CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 'LIBRARY 
 
CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 
 3 1924 082 460 001 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924082460001 
 
HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE 
 
 OF THE 
 
 SEVENTEENTH CENTURY 
 
BY THE SAME AUTHOR. 
 Crown &V0, cloth extra, "]s, 6d. each. 
 
 A HISTORY OF THE CHAP-BOOKS OF 
 THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY. 
 
 With Nearly 400 Illustrations Engraved in Facsimile of the Originals. 
 
 "Next to a collection of the chap-books themselves, nothing could give a better idea 
 of this branch of the popular literature of the eighteenth century than the volume before 
 us. The author's hope that he has ' succeeded in producing a book at once both amusing 
 and instructive ' is fully justified ; and his book is certain to remain the standard authority 
 on the subject, and to be consulted by every one who wishes to know what was read in 
 the cottage, and the roadside inn, and the village school in the eighteenth century." — 
 Academy, 
 
 " Mr. Ashton knows his subject well, and gives us not only the quaint prose or verse 
 and the still quainter cuts, but also all sorts of collateral information. , . , The book is a 
 delightful contribution to the history of literature." — Graphic. 
 
 SOCIAL LIFE 
 IN THE REIGN OF QUEEN ANNE. 
 
 With 84 Ilhistratio?is. 
 
 "Mr. Ashton has selected an interesting subject, and has done justice to his choice 
 There can be no doubt either of Mr, Ashton's diligence in collecting his materials or of 
 his good sense m refraining from intruding himself unnecessarily upon the reader We 
 are grateful to him both for his industry and his reserve. Even a man who is well versed 
 in the diaries and correspondence of Queen Anne's time will find something that is new 
 to him in every chapter. ... On these subjects, and on every curiosity of Queen Anne's 
 reign, Mr. Ashton has much to say, and he tells his story with good taste and without 
 unnecessary amplification. His volumes will serve a double purpose. They will amuse 
 the ordinary reader of the day and instruct the student of English manners in the habits 
 of a time which has never failed to attract."— ^<:arf«;/y. 
 
 „f ^'f /?-='^'°" has Pi-oduced, beyond a doubt, the most accurate and readable picture 
 of social life under Queen Anne that has yet been published. ... The book ?an h^ 
 opened any^vhere and read with pleasure and profit. "-Wor-^/K^/'oj^. 
 
 "With commendable diligence Mr. Ashton has assembled a vast number of Horn 
 ments, advertisements, and what net, which he has skilfullv irronnS ,^, T . -u 
 trating the education, food, dress, an^usements science art f^A^L^ chapters i lus- 
 His book is, in fact, a valuable and trustworthy col Ltio'n of ^,?Al,W^/.^,1^ "T' 
 these pages the reader may wander at will in that lesser London of w? h r "'i^' }^ 
 
 and Leicester Square were the centres. \v"th Mr Ashton's boot ^iT V Movent Garden 
 provided the reader carry with him a decent am^fntTr ''°.°'^.='" '•""S^ are feasible, 
 memory. And as Mr. Arhton,^!^ comniei daWeZd ind«™unj;sSi%o '"T"^ ^^^ 
 chapter and verse for his statements, our pilgrim mav be modern 1 ''"""'S'' PY" 
 imaginings will possess a certain verisimilitud;.''-^VS,««. '°°'^='^'<^'y sure that his 
 
 CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY \Y. 
 
RICHARD TARLTON. 
 
 Taritoiis Jests, Edit. 163S. 
 
HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE 
 
 of the 
 
 SEVENTEENTH CENTURY 
 
 Collected and Illustrated by 
 JOHN A^SHTON 
 
 AUTHOR OF "chap-books OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY,' 
 "social life in the reign of queen ANNE," etc. 
 
 ^ X"=^ 
 
 ILantron 
 CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 
 1883 
 
comm.L 
 
 UNIVERSITV 
 ^LIBRARY 
 
 PriKtcdhy R. & R. Clark, Edinburgh. 
 
preface. 
 
 Our forefathers delighted to call their country " Merrie Eng- 
 land ; '' and so, in very truth, it was. All sorts of sports and 
 pastimes, such as no other nation can show, were then in use ; 
 and even the elders, in their hours of relaxation, were wont to 
 exchange a merry jest with one another. 
 
 Perhaps some of their jokes lacked the refinement of the 
 present age, but they denoted a keen sense of humour. Many, 
 nay most, cannot be reproduced at the present day, and much 
 has this book suffered therefrom ; and it is for this reason that 
 the jest-books and ballads of this century are so little known. 
 Some few have been printed in small editions, either privately, 
 or for dilettante societies; but they are not fit for general 
 perusal, and the public at large know nothing of them. This 
 is specially the case with the ballad literature of the century, 
 which is unusually rich. The Pepys, Roxburghe, Bagford, 
 Luttrell, and other collections, are priceless treasures; but I 
 know no pubhsher who would be bold enough to reproduce 
 them, in their entirety, for the use of the general public. By 
 this I do not wish to cast any slur, either on the modesty, or 
 morality, of our ancestors ; but their ways were not quite as 
 ours. 
 
 The Bibliographical Reference, which forms an Appendix, 
 will show the wide range that the humour of this century 
 takes ; and this does not exhaust the store by any means. In 
 
viii Preface. 
 
 it I have given, for the use of students, the British Museunjj 
 Catalogue number of every authority (to save trouble, should 
 they wish to refer to the books) ; and, to avoid the multiplicity 
 of footnotes, I have placed against each paragraph a numberl 
 by means of which (on turning to the reference) the worll 
 from which it was taken can at once be seen. I 
 
 Political satire ought to be a work in itself, so that I hava 
 but sparingly used it; and as religious satire hardly comea 
 within the scope of such a book as this, I have but just'^ 
 glanced at it. ^■ 
 
 In every instance that I have found possible, I have given? 
 the tunes of the ballads, taken from the books in which they 
 first appeared, such as The Dancing Master, and Wit ana 
 Mirth; also, in two instances, where I could not thus find 
 them, I have taken them from The Ballad Literature ana\ 
 Popular Music of the Olden Time, by W. Chappell, Esq.,[ 
 F.S.A. j 
 
 If the perusal of this book gives a tithe part as much; 
 pleasure and amusement to the Reader, as it did to me when' 
 compiling it, I am more than content with my labour. 
 
 JNO. ASHTON. 
 
Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 of the 
 
 Seventeenth Century. 
 
 [I.] There was a man that had been drinking so hard that 
 he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at night he would 
 go home, and as he went through a green Meadow, neer a 
 hedge side the Bryers held him by the cloaths and the legs, 
 and he had thought that one had holden him, and would 
 have had him to drink more, and he said, Good fellow, let 
 me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have drank so 
 much already, that I cannot go home ; and there he abode 
 all the same night, and on the morrow went his Ways. 
 
 [2.] When Marcus hath Carrowst March beere and sacke, 
 And feels his head grow dizzy therwithall. 
 Then of Tobacco he a pype doth lacke, 
 Of Trinidade in cane, in leafe, or ball. 
 Which tane a little he doth Speet and Smacke, 
 Then layes him on his bed for feare to fall 
 And on Tobacco layes the blame of all. 
 But that same pype that Marcus brain did lade 
 Was of Madera not of Trinidade. 
 
 [3.] I had a love, and she was chaste. 
 Alack the more's the pity. 
 But wot you how my love was chaste. 
 She was chaste right through the City. 
 
2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 4. A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon thft 
 Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that ha; 
 would put a Trick upon him : and so, coming up to him, 
 said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was 
 content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse. The 
 Parson replyed, the reason was, because the King had made 
 so many Asses Justices, that a Clergyman could not get one 
 to Ride on. 
 
 On a drawer drunk. 
 
 [5.] Drawer with thee now even is thy wine 
 
 For thou hast pierced his hogs-head, and he thine. 
 
 Upon the weights of a Clock. 
 
 [5.] I wonder time's so swift, when as I see, 
 
 Upon her heeles such lumps of lead to bee. 
 
 Nonsense. 
 
 [3.] Oh that my Lungs could bleat like butter'd Pease ; 
 But bleating of my lungs hath Caught the itch. 
 And are as mangy as the Irish Seas, 
 That doth ingender windmills on a Bitch. 
 
 I grant that Rainbowes being lull'd asleep. 
 Snort like a woodknife in a Lady's eyes ; 
 Which makes her grieve to see a pudding creep. 
 For Creeping puddings only please the wise. 
 
 Not that a hard row'd herring should presume 
 To swing a tyth pig in a Cateskin purse ; 
 For fear the hailstons which did fall at Rome, 
 By lesning of the fault should make it worse. 
 
 For 'tis most certain Winter woolsacks grow 
 From geese to swans, if men could keep them so, 
 Till that the sheep shorn Planets gave the hint, 
 To pickle pancakes in Geneva print. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 3 
 
 Some men there were that did suppose the skie 
 
 Was made of Carbonado'd Antidotes ; 
 
 But my opinion is, a Whales left eye, 
 
 Need not be coyned all King Harry groates. 
 
 The reason's plain, for Charons Westerne barge 
 Running a tilt at the subjunctive mood, 
 Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him charge 
 To fasten padlockes with Antartic food. 
 
 The end will be the Mill ponds must be laded, 
 To fish for white pots in a Country dance ; 
 So they that suffered wrong and were upbraded 
 Shall be made friends in a left handed trance. 
 
 [i.] There was three young men going to Lambeth along 
 by the Water side, and the one plaid with the other, and they 
 cast each others Cap into the water, in such sort as they 
 could not get their Caps again : but over the place where 
 their Caps were, did grow a great old tree, which did Cover 
 a great deale of the Water. One of them said to the rest. 
 Sirs, I have found out a notable way to come by them. 
 First I will make myself fast by the middle, with one of 
 your girdles unto the tree, and he that is with you shall 
 hang fast upon my girdle, and he that is last shall take hold 
 on him that holds fast on my girdle, and so with one of his 
 hands he may take up all our caps and cast them on the sand. 
 And so they did ; but when they thought that they had been 
 most secure and fast, he that was above felt his girdle slack, 
 and said. Soft, sirs, my girdle slacketh; make it fast quickly, 
 said they, but as he was untying it to make it faster they fell 
 all three into the water, and were well washed for their pains. 
 
 Of Lynus borrowing. 
 
 [6.] Lynus came late to me sixe crownes to borrow. 
 And sware G — d — him, hee'd repai't to morrow. 
 I knew his word as current as his band, 
 And straight I gave to him three crownes in hand ; 
 This I to give, this he to take was willing, 
 And thus he gain'd, and I sav'd fifteene shilling. 
 
Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Cl)e 2Kaoman to tl)e i^lota 
 
 and 
 
 The Man to the Hen Roost. 
 
 Or, a fine way to cure a Cot ^ean — . 
 
 The Tune is, I have fay all good Wives a Song. — 
 
 Both Men and Women listen well, 
 
 A merry Jest I will you tell, 
 
 Betwixt a Good man and his Wife, 
 
 Who fell the other day at strife : 
 
 He chid her for her Huswivery, 
 
 And she found fault as well as he. 
 
 With him for's work without the door, 
 
 Quoth he (u'e^l quarrel thus no more) 
 
 Sith you and I cannot agree, 
 
 Let's change the work. Content, quoth she, 
 
 My Wheel and Distaffe here take thow, 
 
 And I will drive the Cart and Plow. 
 
 This was concluded 'twixt them both, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 To Cart and Plow the good-wife goeth, 
 The Good man he at home doth tarry, 
 To see that nothing doth miscarry. 
 An apron he before him put, 
 Judge, was not this a handsome slut. 
 He fleets ^ the Milk, he makes the Chese, 
 He gropes ^ the Hens, the Ducks, & Geese, 
 He Brews and Bakes as well as he Can, 
 But not as it should be done, poor man : 
 As he did make his Cheese one day, 
 Two Pigs their Bellies broke with whey ; 
 Nothing that he in hand did take. 
 Did come to good ; once he did Bake, 
 And burnt the Bread as black as a stock, 
 Another time he went to Rock 
 The Cradle, and threw the child o' th' floor, 
 And broke his Nose, and hurt it sore. 
 He went to milk one Eventide 
 A Skittish Cow on the wrong side. 
 His pail was full of Milk, God wot, 
 She Kickt and spilt it every jot. 
 Besides she hit him a blost o' th' face 
 Which was scant well in six weeks space. 
 Thus was he served, and yet too well 
 And more mischances yet befell. 
 Before his apron he'd leave ofi^, 
 Though all his neighbours did him scoff. 
 Now list and mark one pretty jest, 
 'Twill make you laugh above all the rest. 
 As he to churn his Butter went, 
 One Morning with a good intent, 
 The Cot 2 Quean fool did surely dream, 
 For he had quite forgot the Cream, 
 He churn'd all Day with all his might, 
 And yet he could get no Butter at night. 
 'Twere strange indeed for me to utter 
 
 1 Floats, i.e. skims the cream floating on the milk. 
 
 2 Feels whether they have eggs. 
 
 ' One who meddles in women's business. 
 
Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 That without Creame he should make Butter. 
 
 Now having shew'd his huswivery, 
 
 Who did all things thus untowardly, 
 
 Unto the good-wife I'll turn my Rhime, 
 
 And tell you how she spent her time ; 
 
 She us'd to drive the Cart and Plow, 
 
 But do't well she Knew not how, 
 
 She made so many banks i' th' ground. 
 
 He been better have given five pound 
 
 That she had never ta'ne in hand 
 
 So sorely did she spoil the Land. 
 
 As she did go to Sow likewise, 
 
 She made a Feast for Crows and Pies, 
 
 She threw away a hanful at a Place, 
 
 And left all bare another Space. 
 
 At the Harrow she could not rule the Mare 
 
 But hid- one Land, and left two bare. 
 
 And shortly after, one a day, 
 
 As she came home with a Load of Hay 
 
 She overthrew it, nay, and worse 
 
 She broke the Cart, and Kill'd a Horse : 
 
 The good-man that time had ill luck. 
 
 He let in the Sow, and Kill'd a Duck, 
 
 And being grieved at his heart, 
 
 For loss on's Duck, his Horse and Cart, 
 
 The many hurts on both sides done, 
 
 His eyes did with salt water run ; 
 
 Then now, quoth he, full well I see 
 
 The Wheel's for her, the Plow's for me, 
 
 I thee intreat, quoth he, good-wife. 
 
 To take thy Charge, and all my life 
 
 I'll never meddle with huswivery more, 
 
 Nor find such faults as I did before ; 
 
 Give me the Cart Whip and the Frail, 
 
 Take thou the Churn and Milking pail. 
 
 The good-wife she was well content 
 
 And about her Huswivery she went ; 
 
 He to Hedging and to Ditching, 
 
 Heaping, Mowing, Lading, Pitching, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 7 
 
 He would be twatling ^ still before, 
 But after that ne'r twatled more. 
 I wish all Wives that troubled be 
 With Hose and Doublet Huswivery, 
 To serve them as this Woman did, 
 Then may they work and ne'r be chid. 
 Though she i' th' intrim had some loss, 
 Thereby she was eased of a Cross ; 
 Take heed of this you husband men, 
 Let Wives alone to grope the Hen, 
 And meddle you with Horse and Ox. 
 And keep your Lambs safe from the Fox, 
 So shall you live Contented lives, 
 And take sweet pleasure in your Wives. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for J. Wright,^ J. Clarke,* W. Thackeray,* and 
 T. Passinger.5 
 
 [8.] The Marquess of Worcester, calling for a glass of 
 Claret wine, it was told him by his Physician, that Claret 
 wine was naught for his gout ; What, said the Marquess, my 
 old friend Claret ? nay, give it me in spight of all Physicians 
 and their books, it never shall be sai'd that I forsook my 
 friend for my enemy. 
 
 On a cowardly Soiildier. 
 
 [5.] Strotzo doth weare no ring upon his hand, 
 Although he be a man of great command ; 
 But gilded spurs do jingle at his heeles ; 
 Whose rowels are as big as some coach wheels. 
 He grac'd them well, for in the Netherlands, 
 His heels did him more service than his hands. 
 
 ^ Chattering. ^ Published from 1670 to 1690. 
 
 ' From 1650 to 1682. * From 1660 to 1680. 
 
 * From 1670 to 1682. 
 
8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 On a fly in a glasse. 
 
 [5.] A fly out of his glasse a guest did take, 
 
 'Ere with the liquor he his thirst would slake, 
 When he had drunk his fill, again the fly 
 Into the glasse he put, and said, though I 
 Love not flyes in my drink yet others may, 
 Whose humour I nor like, nor will gainsay. 
 
 Upon a Churle that was a great ttsurer. 
 
 [9.] A Chuffe that scarce hath teeth to chew his meate, 
 Heares with deafe ears, and sees with glassy eies. 
 Unto his grave his path doth daily beate, 
 Or like a logg upon his pallett lies : 
 
 Hath not a thought of God, nor of his grace, 
 Speaks not a word but what intends to gaine. 
 Can have no pitty on the poore Mans case, 
 But will the hart-strings of the needy straine : 
 
 Cries not till death, and then but gives a groane, 
 To leave his silver, and his golden bags. 
 Then gapes and dies, and with a little moane 
 Is lapped up in a few rotten ragges : 
 
 What will this C lunch fist leave upon his grave ? 
 
 Here lies the Carkasse of a wretched Knave. 
 
 [4.] An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of 
 London, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to 
 Ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a Coal, Pie Corner was over 
 bak'd and Snow hill melted down. 
 
 [4.] A Highway man being to be hang'd in a Country 
 Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows ; 
 which he neglecting to do, the Execution was forc'd to be 
 defer'd, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending 
 for the Carpenter, asked him why he had not done it ? Why 
 Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never 
 paid for them ; but had I known it had been for your Worship, 
 I would have left all other business to have done it. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 9 
 
 [3.] Sir Egley More'^ that Valiant Knight, 
 With his fa, la, lanctre down dille ; 
 He fetcht his sword and he went to fight 
 With his fa, la, lanctre down dille ; 
 As he went over hill and dale, 
 All cloathed in his coat of Male, 
 With his fa, la, lanctre down dille. 
 
 A huge great Dragon leapes out of his Den, 
 
 With his &C. 
 
 Which had kill'd the Lord knowes how many men, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 But when he saw Sir Egly More, 
 
 Good lack had you seen how this Dragon did roare 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 This Dragon he had on a plaguy hide. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 Which could both sword and speare abide. 
 
 All the trees in the wood did shake. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 Stars did tremble and man did quake, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 But had you seen how the birds lay peeping, 
 
 'T would have made a mans heart to a' fallen a weeping. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 But now it was too late to feare. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 For now it was come to fight dog, fight beare, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 And as a yawning he did fall. 
 
 He thrust his sword in, hilts and all. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 But now as the Knight in coller ^ did burne, 
 With his &c. 
 
 He ow'd the Dragon a shrewd good turne ; 
 With his &c. 
 
 ' For tune see Appendix. = Choler, anger. 
 
lo Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 In at his mouth his sword he bent, 
 The hilt appeared at his fundament. 
 With his &c. 
 
 Then the Dragon hke a Coward began to fly, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 Unto his Den that was hard by. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 And there he laid him down and roar'd ; 
 
 The Knight was vexed for his sword, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 The Sword it was a right good blade, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 As ever Turk or Spaniard made ; 
 
 With his &C. 
 
 I for my part do forsake it, 
 
 And he that will fetch it, let him take it. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 When all this was done to the Ale house he went, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 And by and by his two pence he spent ; 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 For he was so hot with tugging with the Dragon, 
 
 That nothing could quench him but a whole Flagon. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 Now God preserve our King and Queen, 
 
 With his &C. 
 
 And eke in London may be seene, 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 As many Knights, and as many more, 
 
 And all as good as Sir Eglemore. 
 
 With his &c. 
 
 [i.] There was a Fryer in London, which did use to go 
 often to the house of an old woman, but ever when he came 
 to her house, she hid all the meat she had. On a time this 
 Fryer came to her house (bringing certain Company with him) 
 and demanded of the Wife if she had any meat. And she 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 1 1 
 
 said, Nay. Well, quoth the Fryer, have you not a whetstone ? 
 Yea (qd. the Woman) Marry, qd. he, I would make meat 
 thereof. Then she brought a whetstone. He asked her Uke- 
 wise if she had not a Frying-pan. Yea, said she, but what the 
 devil will ye do therewith ? Marry (said the Fryer) you shall 
 see by and by what I will do with it ; and when he had the 
 pan, he set it on the fire, and put the whetstone therein. 
 Cocks body, said the woman, you will burn the pan. No, no, 
 qd. the Fryer, if you will give me some eggs, it will not burn 
 at all. But she would have had the pan from him, when that 
 she saw it was in danger ; yet he would not let her, but still 
 urged her to fetch him some eggs, which she did. Tush said 
 the Fryer, here are not enow, go fetch ten or twelve. So the 
 good Wife was constrayned to fetch more for feare lest the 
 Pan should burn ; And when he had them, he put them in 
 the Pan. Now, qd he, if you have no butter the pan will 
 burn, and the eggs too. So the good wife being very loth to 
 have her pan burnt, and the eggs lost, she fetcht him a dish of 
 butter, the which he put into the pan, and made good meat 
 thereof, & brought to the table, saying. Much good may it do 
 you my Masters, now may you say, you have eaten of a buttered 
 Whetstone. Whereat all the Company laughed, but the woman 
 was exceeding angry because the Fryer had subtilly beguiled 
 her of her meat. 
 
 The Devill and the Fryar. 
 
 [j.] The Devill was once deceived by a fryar. 
 
 Who though he sold his soul cheated the buyer. 
 
 The devill was promist if he would supply, 
 
 The Fryar with Coyn at his necessity, 
 
 When all the debts he ow'd discharg'd were quite. 
 
 The Devill should have his soul as his by right ; 
 
 The Devill defray'd all scores, payd all ; at last 
 
 Demanded for his due, his soul in haste : 
 
 The Fryar return'd this answer, if I owe 
 
 You any debts at all, then you must know 
 
 I am indebted still, if nothing be 
 
 Due unto you, why do you trouble me ? 
 
1 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 On Battus. 
 
 [5.] Battus doth bragge he hath a world of bookes 
 His studies maw holds more than well it may, 
 But seld' or never he upon them looks, 
 And yet he looks upon them every day. 
 He looks upon their out side, but within 
 He never looks nor never will begin : 
 Because it cleane against his nature goes 
 To know mens secrets, so he keeps them Close. 
 
 The 
 Unconscionable Batchelors of DARBY, 
 
 or the 
 
 Young Lasses Pawn'd by their Sweethearts, for a large 
 
 Reckoning, at Nottingham Goose Fair ; where 
 
 poor Susan was forced to pay the Shot. 
 
 To the Tune of To thee. To thee Sr'c. 
 
 [10.] You lovers of mirth attend a while, 
 
 a merry new ditty here I write, 
 I know it will make you laugh and smile, 
 
 for every line aifords delight : 
 The Lasses of Darby with young Men, 
 
 they went to Goose Fair for recreation, 
 But how these Spai-ks did serve them then, 
 
 is truly worth your observation. 
 Truly, truly worth your observation, 
 
 therefore I pray observe this Ditty ; 
 The Maids did complain they came there in vain 
 
 and was not, was not that a pity. 
 
 So soon as they came into the Fair, 
 
 The Batchelors made them conjues ^ low, 
 ' Cong&s, low bows. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 And bid them a thousand welcomes there, 
 this done to a tippling school they go ; 
 
 How pleasant was honest Kate and Sue, 
 believing they should be richly treated, 
 
 But, Neighbours and Friends, as I am true ; 
 no Lasses ever was so cheated ; 
 
 13 
 
 Cheated, cheated, very farely cheated, 
 as you may note by this new Ditty ; 
 
 They were left alone, to make their moan, 
 and was not, was not that a pity ? 
 
 The innocent Lasses fair and gay, 
 
 concluded the Men was kind and free. 
 Because they pass'd the time away, 
 
 a plenty of cakes and ale they see ; 
 For sider and mead they then did call, 
 
 and whatever else the House afforded, 
 But Susan was forc'd to pay for all, 
 
 out of the mony she had hoarded, 
 
14 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Hoarded, hoarded, mony she had hoarded; 
 
 it made her sing a doleful Ditty, 
 And so did the rest with grief opprest, 
 
 and was not, was not that a pity ? 
 
 Young Katy she seemed something Coy, 
 
 because she would make them eager grow, 
 As knowing thereby she might enjoy 
 
 what beautiful Damsels long to know, 
 On complements they did not stand, 
 
 nor did they admire their charming features ; 
 For they had another game in hand, 
 
 which was to pawn these pretty creatures, 
 Creatures, creatures, loving, loving Creatures, 
 
 which was so charming, fair, and pretty ; 
 The Men sneak'd away, and nothing did pay, 
 
 and was not, was not, that a pity ? 
 
 Though out of the door they enter'd first, 
 
 and left them tipling there behind. 
 Those innocent Maids did not mistrust, 
 
 that Batchelors could be so unkind.. 
 Quoth Susan, I know their gone to buy 
 
 the fairings which we did so require. 
 And they will return I know, for why, 
 
 they do our youthful charms admire ; 
 Therefore, therefore, stay a httle longer, 
 
 and I will sing you a pleasant Ditty, 
 But when they found they were catch'd in the pound, 
 
 they sigh'd and weep'd the more's the pity. 
 
 Now finding the Men return'd no more, 
 
 and that the good People would not trust, 
 They presently call'd to know the Score, 
 
 it chanc'd to be fifteen shilling just : 
 Poor Kate had but five pence in her purse, 
 
 but Sue had a crown besides a guinney ; 
 And since the case had happen'd thus, 
 
 poor Soul she paid it e'ry penny, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 15 
 
 Penny, Penny, e'ry, e'ry penny, 
 
 tho' with a sad and doleful Ditty 
 Said she, for this I had not a kiss, 
 
 and was not, was not that a pity ? 
 
 Printed for J. Bissel,i in West Smithfield. 
 
 [i.] There was a Priest in the Country, which had christned 
 a Child ; and when he had christned it, he and the dark were 
 bidden to the drinking that should be there, and thither they 
 went with other people, and being there, the Priest drunk and 
 made so merry that he was quite foxed, ^ and thought to go 
 home before he laid him down to sleep; but having gone a 
 little way, he grew so drowsie, that he could go no further, 
 but laid him down by a ditch side, so that his feet did hang 
 in the water, and lying on his back, the Moon shined in his 
 face : thus he lay till the rest of the Company came from 
 drinking, who as they came home found the Priest lying as 
 aforesaid, and they thought to get him away, but do what 
 they could he would not rise, but said. Do not meddle with 
 me, for I lie very well, I will not stir hence before morning, 
 but I pray you lay some more cloathes on my feet, and blow 
 out the Candle, and let me lie and take my rest. 
 
 In Getam. 
 
 [5.] Geta from wool and weaving first began. 
 Swelling and Swelling to a gentleman ; 
 When he was gentleman, and bravely dight, 
 He left not swelling till he was a knight ; 
 At last forgetting what he was at first. 
 He swole to be a Lord . . . and then he burst. 
 
 On Button a Sexton making a grave. 
 
 [5.] Ye powers above, and heavenly poles. 
 Are graves become but Button Holes. 
 
 1 James Bissel lived at the Bible and Harp, by the Hospital Gate, and 
 published between 1685 and 1695. ''■ Drunk. 
 
^6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 a ilTr^ ^P^''''l^t^n<^'"g together in the Cloysters, seeing 
 
 JuS ^i i ^ '"'' '""^ ''^ '^y ^^'' She hearing him, 
 
 f<^«/</ /« 7vay of Requital say as much of you. Faith, says he 
 so you may, and Lye as T did. ' J- =. 
 
 On Jack Wiseman. 
 I3-] /«fi4 Wiseman brags his very name, 
 Proclaims his wit, he's much to blame, 
 To doe the Proverb so much wrong, 
 Which sayes he's wise that holds his tongue ; 
 Which makes me contradict the Scooles, 
 And apt to thmke the wise men fools, 
 Yet pardon /«f^, I hear that now 
 Thou'rt wed, and must thy wit allow. 
 That by a strange cenigma can, 
 Make a light Woman a Wiseman. 
 
 Of a Woman's Kindnesse to her Husband. 
 
 [6.] One that had lived long by lewdest shifts, 
 
 Brought to the Court that Come from Cockle ^ sifts 
 Adiudged, first to lye a yeere in fetters, 
 Then burned in his forhead with two letters. 
 And to disparage him with more disgrace. 
 To slit his nose, the figure of his face. 
 The prisoners wife with no dishonest mind. 
 To shew herselfe unto her husband kind. 
 Sued humbly to the Lords, and would not cease. 
 Some part of this sharp rigour to release. 
 He was a man (she said) had serv'd in Warre, 
 What mercy would a Souldiers face so marre. 
 Thus much said she, but gravely they replied. 
 It was great mercy that he thus was tried : 
 His crimes deserve he should have lost his life, 
 And hang in ch£unes ; Alas, reply'd the wife. 
 
 If you disgrace him thus, you quite undo him, 
 Good my Lords, hang him, pray be good unto him. 
 1 The Asrostmm gitJiago, Linn. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 1 7 
 
 [i.J There were once too men that were both masterless. 
 and moneyless, & one said to the other, What remedy canst 
 thou now find out, that we may either get some meat or 
 money ? By my troth (qd. the other) I do know a very fine 
 shift, (& being very early in the morning they espyed a man 
 coming with Hogs). Lo, yonder cometh a man with Hogs, 
 and I will tell him that they be sheep, and I will cause him 
 to lay a Wager with me, whether they be Sheep or Hogs : & 
 I will cause the matter to be judged by the next man that 
 cometh, but then thou must go another way & meet with us ; 
 when we demand of thee whether they be sheep or hogs, thou 
 must say that they be sheep. Then they separated themselves 
 the one from the other, and the one went to meet the man 
 that had the Swine, bidding him good morrow ; the man 
 doing the like to him again. Then he said to the old man, 
 Father, where had you your fair sheep. What sheep qd the 
 man ; these sheep that you drive before you : Why, qd the 
 old man, they are swine. What (qd. the other) will you make 
 me a fool ? think you I know not Sheep from Swine ? Marry 
 (qd. the old man) I will lay one of my Swine against what 
 thou wilt, that they be no Sheep. I hold thee my coat against 
 one of thy sheep qd the other. I am content qd the old 
 man, by whom shall we be tryed? By the next man that 
 meets us. Content, said the old man; and then they per- 
 ceived the man coming being the fellow of the young man. 
 And when he came to them the old man requested him to tel 
 them what beasts those were ? Why (qd. he) they be sheep, 
 do you not know sheep ? I told him so (qd. the other young 
 man) but he would not believe me, so I laid my Coat upon a 
 Wager that they were sheep, and he laid me one of his sheep 
 against my Coat that they were Swine ; and I won it have I 
 not? Yea (qd. the old man,) but God help me, I bought 
 them for Swine. And then the young man took one of the 
 fattest hogs he could find amongst them all, & carryed him 
 away, and his fellow went another . way, as though he had not 
 known him, and the poore man returned again to the place 
 where he had bought them. 
 
 What became of him afterward I cannot tell : only thus 
 much I know, that he was deceived by those two crafty fellows 
 
1 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 of one of his hogs. But they immediately met one the other 
 again, and so d the hog for Money, and rejoyced that they 
 fared so well (not knowing how to have otherwise sustained 
 theur wants). 
 
 Of Marcus. 
 
 [5.] When Marcus fail'd a borrowed sura to pay, 
 Unto his friend at the appointed day : 
 'Twere superstition for a man he sayes. 
 To be a strict observer of set dayes. 
 
 [11.] The industrious Smith wherin is showne, 
 How plain deaUng is overthrown, 
 That let a man do the best that he may. 
 An idle huswife will work his decay. 
 Yet art is no burthen ; tho ill we may speed, 
 Our labour will help us in time of our need. 
 
 To the Tune of Young Man remember delights are but vain. 
 
 There was a poor Smith liv'd in a poor town, 
 That had a loving wife bonny and brown. 
 And though he were very discreet and wise. 
 Yet he would do nothing without her advice ; 
 His stock it grew low, full well did he know, 
 He told his wife what he intended to do. 
 Quoth he, sweet wife, if I can prevail, 
 I will shoo horses, and thou shalt sell Ale. 
 
 I see by my labour but little I thrive. 
 
 And that against the stream I do strive 
 
 By selling of Ale some money is got. 
 
 If every man honestly pay for his pot : 
 
 By this we may keep the wolf from the door. 
 
 And live in good fashion though now we live poor. 
 
 If we have good custom, we shall have quick sale. 
 
 So may we live bravely by selling of Ale. 
 
 Kind husband, quoth she, let be as you said. 
 It is the best motion that ever you made, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 A Stan^ of good Ale, let me have in, 
 A dozen of good white bread in my Bin ; 
 
 19 
 
 Tobacco likewise we must not forget. 
 Men will call for it when malt's above wheat. 
 When once it is known, then ore hill and dale. 
 Men will come flocking to taste of our Ale. 
 
 They sent for a wench, her name it was Besse, 
 And her they hired to welcome their guesse,^ 
 
 ' A Stand of Ale was a beer barrel set on end. ^ Guests. 
 
20 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 They took in good Ale, and many things mo, 
 The Smith had got him two strings to his bow : 
 Good fellows came in, and began for to rore, 
 The Smith he was never so troubled before, 
 But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl, 
 These things must be, if we sell Ale. 
 
 The Smith went to his work every day, 
 But still one or other would call him away, 
 For now he had got him the name of an Host, 
 It cost him many a Pot and a Toste. 
 Beside much precious time he now lost. 
 And thus the poor Smith was every day crost. 
 But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl 
 These things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 Men- run on the score, and little they paid, 
 Which made the poor Smith be greatly dismaied, 
 And bonny Besse though she were not slack 
 To welcome her guesse, yet things went to wrack ; 
 For she would exchange a pot for a kisse, 
 Which any fellow should seldom times misse. 
 But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl, 
 These things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 The Smith went abroad, at length hee came home. 
 
 And found his maid and man in a room. 
 
 Both drinking together foot to foot. 
 
 To speak unto them he thought was no boot : 
 
 For they were both drunk and could not reply. 
 
 To make an excuse as big as a lye. 
 
 But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl. 
 
 These things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 He came home again and there he did see 
 
 His Wife kindly sitting on a man's knee. 
 
 And though he said little, yet he thought the more. 
 
 And who can blame the poor Wittall therfore. 
 
 He hug'd her and kist her though Vulcan stood by. 
 
 Which made him to grumble, and look all awry. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 21 
 
 But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl, 
 These things must be, if we sell Ale. 
 
 A Sort of Saylers were drinking one night, 
 And when they were drunk began for to fight, 
 The Smith came to part them, as some do report. 
 And for his good will was beat in such sort 
 That he could not lift his arms to his head. 
 Nor yet very hardly creep up to his bed. 
 But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl. 
 These things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 The Smith by chance a good fellow had met. 
 That for strong Ale was much in his debt, 
 He ask't him for money ; quoth he, by your leave, 
 I owe you no money, nor none you shall have. 
 I owe to your wife, and her I will pay ; 
 The Srhith he was vext and departed away. 
 Alas who can blame him, if now he do rayl. 
 For these things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 A flock of good fellows, all Smiths by their trade, 
 Within a while after a holiday made, 
 Unto the Smith's house they came then with speed. 
 And there they were wondrous merry indeed. 
 With my pot and thy pot to make the score hier. 
 Mine Host was so drunk he fell in the fire. 
 But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl. 
 These things must be if we sell Ale. 
 
 But men ran so much with him on the score. 
 
 That Vulcan at last grew wondrous poor. 
 
 He owed the Brewer and Baker so much. 
 
 They thretned to arrest him, his case it was such ; 
 
 He went to his Anvill, to my pot and thine. 
 
 He turn'd out his Maid, he pul'd down his Signe, 
 
22 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 But O (quoth the good Wife) why should we fail, 
 These things should not be, if we sell Ale. 
 
 The Smith and his boy went to work for some chink. 
 To pay for the liquor which others did drink 
 Of all trades in London few break as I heare, 
 That sell Tobacco, strong Ale and good Beer, 
 They might have done better, but they were loth 
 To fill up their measure with nothing but froth. 
 Let no Ale-house keeper at my Song rayl. 
 These things must be if they sell Ale. 
 
 Humfrey Crowch.'^ 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 London. Printed for Richard Harper ^ in Smithfield. 
 
 [8.] Jack Roberts was desired by his Taylour, when the 
 reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a Bill of his hand. 
 Roberts said, I am content, but you must let no man know it ; 
 when the Taylour brought him the Bill, he tore it as in choler, 
 and said to him, You use me not well, you promised me that no 
 man should know it, and here you have put in : Be it known 
 unto all Men by these Presents. 
 
 [i.] A Certain Butcher was flaying a Calf at night and had 
 stuck a lighted Candle upon his head, because he would be 
 the quicker about his business, and when he had done, he 
 thought to take the same Candle to light him to bed : but he 
 had forgot where he had set it, and sought about the House 
 for it, and all the while it stuck in his Cap upon his head, and 
 lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of his fellows came 
 and asked him what he sought for ? Marry, (quoth he) I look 
 for the Candle which I did flay the Calf withal. Why, thou 
 
 ' Of Humphrey Crowch or Crouch little is known, but we know he 
 published many ballads and books of the chap-book order ; among the 
 former is the Mad Man's Morrice, and among the latter is England's 
 Jests refin'd. He certainly wrote from 1637 to 1687. 
 
 2 Richard Harper published from 1635 to 1642. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 23 
 
 fool, qd. he, thou hast a Candle in thy Cap : and then he felt 
 towards his Cap, and took away the Candle burning, whereat 
 there was great laughing and he mocked for his labour, as he 
 was well worthy. 
 
 [12.] A rich man, and's Wife, 
 
 Were every day at strife, 
 
 And each wisht t'other in the Grave ; 
 But their good Son and Heir 
 Begg'd God grant their Prayer, 
 
 That both their desires they might have. 
 
 [12.] One Hart, that was Wild 
 
 Got a woman with Child, 
 
 But the Justice did take his part ; 
 
 Then she cry'd and did mumble, 
 Sayes the Justice de'e grumble ? 
 
 No, I grieve, Sir, and lay it to Hart. 
 
 [4.] Just after the late Kings Restauration, when going to 
 Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by 
 her Neighbours to go to Church ; for fear of being Presented, 
 she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon : So 
 Dressing herself very fine, she came into the Church, just at 
 the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson having said, Lord 
 have Mercy upon us, and then the People Responding thereto, 
 she Cryed out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and 
 since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come 
 again. 
 
 On Sextus. 
 
 [5.] Sextus doth wish his wife in heaven were 
 
 Where can shee have more happines than there ? 
 
 The Rurall Dance about the May-pole.^ 
 The Tune the first Figure dance at Mr Young's Ball in May 1671 
 [13.] Come lasses and ladds, 
 
 Take leave of your Dadds, 
 ' For tune see Appendix. 
 
24 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And away to the May-pole hey ; 
 
 For every he 
 
 Has got him a she 
 With a Minstrill standing by. 
 For Willy has gotten his Jill, 
 And Jonny has got his Jone, 
 To jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, 
 Jigg it up and down. 
 
 Strike up sayes Wat 
 Agreed sayes Kate, 
 
 And I prethee Fidler play. 
 
 Content sayes Hodge, 
 
 And so sayes Madge, 
 For this is a Holliday. 
 Then every man did put 
 His Hat off to his Lasse, 
 And every Girle did curchy, 
 Curchy, curchy on the Grasse. 
 
 Begin sayes Hall. 
 
 1 1. I says Mall 
 
 Wee'l lead up Packingtons^ pound 
 
 No, no, says Noll 
 
 And so says Doll 
 Wee'l first have Sellengers^ round : 
 Then every man began 
 To foot it round about. 
 And every Girle did jet it, 
 Jet it, jet it in and out 
 
 ' Ay, ay. 
 
 2 This tune certainly was known in Queen Elizabeth's time, for it occurs 
 in her Virginal book, and Chappell says, " It probably took its name from 
 Sir John Packington, commonly called 'lusty Packington,' the same who 
 wagered that he would swim from the Bridge at Westminster, i.e. White- 
 hall Stairs, to that at Greenwich for the sum of ;£'3000. ' But the good 
 Queen, who had particular tenderness for handsome fellows, would not 
 permit Sir John to run the hazard of the trial. ' " 
 
 ' Or St. Leger's round, was thought by Sir John Hawkins to be the 
 oldest country dance now extant, and is to be found in Queen Elizabeth's 
 Virginal book. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 25 
 
 Y'are out, says Dick, 
 'Tis a lye, says Nick, 
 The Fidler play'd it false ; 
 
 'Tis true says Hugh, 
 
 And so says Sue, 
 And so says nimble Alice ; 
 The Fidler then began 
 To play the Tune agen, 
 And every Girle did trip it, 
 Trip it, trip it to the men. 
 
 Let's kiss sa.ys Jane, 
 Content, says JVan 
 And so says every she 
 
 How many says BaU, 
 
 Why three says MaU, 
 For that's a maiden's fee ; ■ 
 But they instead of three 
 Did give 'em halfe a score, 
 And they in kindnesse gave 'em, 
 Gave 'em, gave 'em as many more. 
 
 Then after an hour. 
 
 They went to a bower. 
 
 And play'd for Ale and Cakes, 
 
 And kisses too 
 
 Untill they were due. 
 The Lasses kept the stakes. 
 The Girles did then begin 
 To quarrel with the men. 
 And bid 'em take their kisses back 
 And give 'em their own agea 
 
 Yet there they sate 
 
 Until it was late 
 
 And tyr'd the Fidler quite. 
 
 With singing and playing 
 
 Without any paying, 
 From morning untill night. 
 They told the fidler then, 
 
26 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 They'd pay him for his play, 
 
 And each a 2 pence, 2 pence, 2 pence. 
 
 Gave him and went away. 
 
 [4.] A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, 
 was resolv'd to Examine and Instruct them at home; so 
 going to an Ancient Womans House, amongst other Questions, 
 he asked her how many Commandments there were? She 
 told him she could not tell : he told her there were Ten : 
 Whereat she replied, A Jolly Company ! God Bless you and 
 them both together. Well, but. Neighbour, (says he) Do you 
 think you can keep these Commandments ? Ah 1 God bless 
 you. Sir, (said she) / am a poor Woman, and can hardly keep 
 my self ; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping 
 any of the Commandments for you. 
 
 On Charismus. 
 
 [5.] Thou hast compos'd a book, which neither age 
 Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage. 
 For how can future times or age invade 
 That work, which perished as soone as made. 
 
 [12.] A man did surmise 
 
 That another mans eyes 
 Were both of a different frame ; 
 
 For if they had been Matches, 
 
 Then, alas, poor wretches. 
 His Nose would a set 'em in a flame. 
 
 [8.] Master Mason of Trinity Colledge, sent his Pupil to 
 another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him, who told him 
 T am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber, but if it please 
 thy Tutor to come and read upon it in my Chamber, he shall as 
 long as he will. It was winter, and some dales after the same 
 Fellow sent to Mr Mason to borrow his Bellows, but Master 
 Mason said to his Pupil, / am loath to lend my Bellows out of 
 my Chamber, but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in 
 my Chamber he shall as long as he will. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 27 
 
 Of a drunken Smith. 
 
 [6.] I heard that Smug the Smith for Ale and Spice, 
 Sold all his tooles, and yet he kept his Vice. 
 
 [6.] When Lynus meetes me, after Salutations, 
 Curtesies, complements, and gratulations, 
 He presseth me unto the third deniall. 
 To lend him twenty shillings or a ryall;^ 
 But, with his curt'sies, of his purpose fayling 
 He goes behind my backe cursing and railing. 
 
 Foole, thy kind speeches cost thee not a penny. 
 And more foole I, if they should cost me enny. 
 
 [4.] A Minister going to one of his Parishioners he asked 
 her, who made her ? She reply'd, She did not know : A 
 Child standing by, he asked him the same Question, who 
 Answered, God; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old 
 Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Igno- 
 rant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could 
 tell. Marry, quoth she, I am an old Woman, and have been 
 made a great while, and he was made but father day, he may 
 well tell who made him. 
 
 [13.] I went to the Tavern, and then, 
 
 I went to the Tavern, and then, 
 
 I had good store of Wine, 
 
 And my Cap full of coyne 
 
 And the world went well with me then, then. 
 And the world went well with me then. 
 
 I went to the Tavern agen 
 When I ran on the score 
 And was tum'd out o' th' door 
 
 And the world went ill with me then, then, && 
 
 When I was a Batchelor then, 
 I had a Saddle and a Horse, 
 And I took my own Course, 
 
 And the world went well with me then, then &c. 
 1 Value ten shillings. 
 
28 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 But when I was marry'd, O then 
 My Horse and my Saddle 
 Were turn'd to a Cradle, 
 
 And the world went ill with me then, then, &c 
 
 When. I brought her home mony, then 
 She never would pout. 
 But clip me about. 
 
 And the world went well with me then, then, &c 
 
 But when I was drunk, then, 
 
 She'd kick, she'd fling, 
 
 Till she made the house ring, 
 
 And the world went ill with me then, then &c. 
 
 So I turn'd her away, and then, 
 I got me a Miss 
 To Clip and to kiss, 
 
 And the world went ill with me then, then &c. 
 
 I took my wife home agen. 
 But I chang'd her note 
 For I cut her throat. 
 
 And the world went well with me then, then, &c. 
 
 But when it was known, O then. 
 In a two wheeld Charret 
 To Tiburn I was carry'd. 
 
 And the world went ill with me then, then, &c. 
 
 But when I came there, O then. 
 They forc't me to swing 
 To heaven in a string. 
 
 And the world went well with me then, then &c 
 
 [i.] There was a man in the Country, who had not been 
 any far Traveller, and dwelt far from any Church except a 
 Church that was seven or eight miles from his house, and 
 there they never sung Mass nor Even song, but did ever say 
 it. And on a time he came to London, having never been 
 here before, & being in London he went to Pauls Church, & 
 went into the Chappel, where they sung Mass with Organs, 
 and when he heard the melody of the Organs and the singing 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 29 
 
 together, that he never heard before, he thought he should 
 have gone to Heaven by and by, and looked, and said aloud 
 that every one heard, O Lord, shall I go to heaven presently ? 
 I would thou wouldest let me alone till I might go home and 
 fetch my white stick and black hood, and then I would go 
 gladly with thee. Where at all the people laughed heartily. 
 
 Sorte tiid contentus, 
 
 [5.] If adverse fortune bring to passe 
 
 And wiU that thou an asse must bee, 
 Then be an asse, and live an asse, 
 For out of question wise is hee 
 
 That undergoes with humble mind 
 The state that chance hath him assign'd. 
 
 [12.] A Fellow told his Friends. 
 
 That a Pudding had two ends ; 
 
 But that's a lye, sayes another ; 
 
 Do but think agen. 
 
 And you'l find it begin 
 
 At one end, and ends at t'other. 
 
 [14.] If that from Glove you take the letter G 
 
 Then glove is love, and that I send to thee. 
 
 [IS] THE JOLLY WELSH WOMAN 
 
 Who drinking at the Sign of the Crown in London, found a 
 Spring in her Mugg, for Joy of which hur Sung the 
 praise of Old England resolving never to return to Wales 
 again. 
 Tune of, Hey brave Popery &c. Licensed according to Order. 
 
 There was an Old woman came out of North Wales, 
 And up to fair London her merrily Sails, 
 It was for her pleasure Cuts-plutter-a-nails 
 
 Sing O b7-ave Welsh Woman, Jolly brave Welsh Woman, 
 
 Delicate Welsh Woman. O. 
 
30 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 As soon as hur came into fair London town 
 Hur went to an Alehouse the sign of the Crown, 
 In order to tipple hur streight did sit down. 
 Sing O brave &c. 
 
 Hur being a weary and willing to rest, 
 Hur would not be one of the worst of the guest, 
 But call'd for a Pitcher of Ale of the best. 
 Sing brave &c. 
 
 The Tapster then giving the Jugg in her hand. 
 The Welsh woman streight on hur feet she did stand, 
 And drank a good health to hur King of England. 
 Sing O brave &c. 
 
 Now while she had gotten the jugg at her snout, 
 And being both lusty, courageous and stout, 
 Hur gave it a tug, till hur swigg'd it half out. 
 Sitig O brave && 
 
 The Tapster he see her to be of that strain. 
 And how she did tipple the Liquor amain, 
 Thought he, I will fill up thy pitcher again. 
 Sing O brave &c. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 The jugg hur had plac'd on the Bench by her side, 
 To which the young tapster did cunningly slide, 
 And fiU'd it as if it had been a full tide. 
 Sing brave &c. 
 
 Now hur did not know how her pitcher did fill. 
 Therefore hur did say with a merry good will 
 Here's Tipple and drink, and her Pitcher full still. 
 Sing O brave England &c. 
 
 The praise of this Nation Cuts-plut her will sing, 
 Hur never had known such a wonderful thing. 
 The juggs in this land has a delicate Spring. 
 Sing brave England &c. 
 
 Once more she saluted the lips of her Mugg, 
 And gave it a hearty and dextrous tugg. 
 The Tapster once more he did fill up her jugg. 
 Sing brave England &c. 
 
 The Liquor up into her Noddle did steel. 
 The Floor with her feet hur hardly could feel. 
 So that hur began for to stagger and reel 
 Sing brave England &c. 
 
 Hur swore hur would never to Wales any more. 
 For hur has tasted Rich liquor good store. 
 The like in all Wales hur had neer drank before. 
 Sing brave England &c. 
 
 Hereafter hur never will honour the Leek, 
 This was the best Nation as e're hur did seek. 
 Here's liquor of life that will make a Cat speak. 
 Sing brave England &c. 
 
 In praise of this liquor, hur Cap up she flung. 
 For why, it Created an Eloquent Tongue, 
 Besides it will make an Old Woman look young, 
 
 Sing brave Nappy Ale, Delicate Nappy Ale, 
 
 Dainty fine Nappy Ale. 
 
32 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [i.] In the country dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a 
 French man dwelling with her and he did ever use to go to 
 Church with her, and upon a time he and his Mistresse were 
 going to Church and she bad him pull the doore after him and 
 follow her to the Church, and so he took the doore betweene 
 his armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed his 
 Mistresse with it : But when she looked behinde her and saw 
 him bring the doore upon his back, Why, thou foohsh knave, 
 qd. she, what wilt thou do with the door ? Marry Mistresse, 
 qd. he, you bad me pull the doore after me. Why, qd she, 
 I did command thee that thou shouldest make fast the doore 
 after thee, and not bring it upon thy back after me. But 
 after this, there was much good sport and laughing at his 
 simplicity and foolishnesse therein. 
 
 On a Watch lost in a Tavern. 
 
 [14.] A Watch lost in a Tavern ? that's a Crime, 
 
 You know how men in drinking lose there time : 
 A Watch keeps time, and if time pass away. 
 There is small reason that the Watch should stay. 
 The key hung out, and you forgot to lock it, 
 Time scorns to be kept tame in any pocket. 
 Hereafter if you keep't, thus must you do, 
 Pocket your Watch, and watch your pockets too. 
 
 Of a Precise Taylor. 
 
 [16.] A Taylor thought a man of upright dealing, 
 True, but for lying, honest but for stealing, 
 Did fall one day extreamly sicke by chance. 
 And on the sudden was in wondrous trance. 
 The Fiends of hell mustring in fearfuU manner. 
 Of Sundry Coloured silkes' displayed a Banner, 
 Which he had stolrie, and wish't as they did tell 
 That one day he might finde it all in hell. 
 The man affrighted at this apparition 
 Upon recovery grew a great Precisian. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 33 
 
 He bought a Bible of the new Translation, 
 
 And in his life he shew'd great reformation ; 
 
 He walked mannerly, and talked meekely. 
 
 He heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekely : 
 
 He vowed to shunne all companies unruly, 
 
 And in his speech he used none oath, but truly. 
 
 And zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest, 
 
 His meat for that day, on the eVe was drest, 
 
 And least the custome that he had to steale. 
 
 Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale. 
 
 He gives his journeyman a speciall charge, 
 
 That if the stuffe allow'd fell out too large. 
 
 And that to filch his fingers were inclin'd, 
 
 He then should put the Banner in his minde. 
 
 This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter, 
 
 A Captaine of a ship came three dales after. 
 
 And brought three yards of Velvet, and three Quarters 
 
 To make Venetians ^ down below the garters. 
 
 He that precisely knew what was enuffe, 
 
 Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe. 
 
 His man espying it, said in derision. 
 
 Remember, Master, how you saw the vision. 
 
 Peace (knave) quoth he, I did not see one ragge 
 Of such a coloured silke in all the flagge. 
 
 [8.] A Notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and 
 knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took 
 to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, / charge you in 
 the Kings name to seise and take away that man (meaning the 
 Judge) in the red Gown, for T go in danger of my life because 
 of him. 
 
 On a gentleman that married an heire privately 
 
 at the Tower. 
 
 * 
 
 [5.] The angry Father hearing that his childe 
 Was stoln, married, and his hopes beguild ; 
 
 1 Trunk hose. 
 D 
 
34 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 ('Cause his usurious nature had a thought 
 She might have bin to greater fortunes brought :) 
 With rigid looks, bent brows, and words austere, 
 Ask'd his forc'd son in law how he did dare 
 Thus beare his onely daughter to be married j 
 And by what Cannons he assumed such power ? 
 He sayd, the best in England, sir, the Tower. 
 
 Of Galla's goodly Periwigge. 
 
 Ii6.] You see the goodly hayre that Galla weares, 
 
 'Tis certain her own hayr, who would have thought it ? 
 She sweares it is her owne ; and true she sweares, 
 For hard by Temple-barre last day. she bought it. 
 So faire a haire, upon so foule a forehead. 
 Augments disgrace, and showes the grace is borrow'd. 
 
 [17.] Several Gentlemen were at dinner together, and one 
 of them was a Parson ; among the Dishes one was a Pig, but 
 'twas very lean; Then they concluded that it was only fit 
 for the Parson, being a spiritual Pig, for it had no flesh upon it 
 
 An Invitation to Lubberland. 
 
 with 
 
 An Account of the great Plenty 
 of that Fruitful Country. 
 
 There's all sorts of Fowl and Fish, Ye have there what your Hearts can 
 with Wine and store of Brandy, wish, 
 
 the Hills are Sugar Candy. 
 
 The Tune of Billy mid Molly Or, The Journey-man Shoe maker 
 
 This may be printed R. P.^ 
 
 [19.] There is a ship we understand 
 now riding in the river, 
 1 Richard Pocock, who licensed from 1685 to 1688. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 35 
 
 Tis newly come from Lubberland 
 
 the like I think was never ; 
 You that a lazy life do love, 
 
 I'd have you now go over, 
 They say land is not above 
 
 two thousand leagues from Dover. 
 
 The Captain and the Master too, 
 
 do's give us this relation. 
 And so do's all the whole ships crew, 
 
 concerning this strange nation. 
 The streets are pav'd with pudding-pies 
 
 nay powder'd ^ beef and bacon, 
 They say they scorn to tell you lies, 
 
 who thinks it is mistaken. 
 
 The king of knaves and queen of sluts 
 reign there in peace and quiet ; 
 
 You need not fear to starve your guts, 
 there is such store of diet : 
 1 Salt beef. 
 
36 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 There may you live free from all care, 
 like hogs set up a fatning, 
 
 The garments which the people wear 
 is silver, silk and sattin. 
 
 The lofty buildings of this place 
 
 for many years have lasted. 
 With nutmegs, pepper, cloves and mace, 
 
 the walls are roughly casted, 
 In curious hasty-pudding boil'd, 
 
 and most ingenious Carving. 
 Likewise they are with pancakes ty'd, 
 
 sure, here's no ffear of starving. 
 
 The Captain says, in every Town 
 
 hot roasted pigs will meet ye, 
 They in the streets run up and down, 
 
 still crying out, come eat me : 
 Likewise he says, at every feast 
 
 the very fowls and fishes. 
 Nay, from the biggest to the least, 
 
 comes tumbling to the dishes. 
 
 The rivers run with claret fine, 
 
 the brooks with rich Canary, 
 The ponds with other sorts of wine, 
 
 to make your hearts full merry : 
 Nay, more than this, you may behold 
 
 the fountains flow with Brandy, 
 The rocks are like refined gold, 
 
 the hills are sugar candy. 
 
 Rosewater is the rain they have, 
 
 which comes in pleasant showers. 
 All places are adorned brave 
 
 with sweet and fragrant flowers : 
 Hot Custards grows on e'ery tree 
 
 each ditch afibrds rich jellies 
 Now, if you will be rul'd by me, 
 
 go there, and fill your bellies. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 37 
 
 There's nothing there but holy-days, 
 
 with musick out of measure ; 
 Who can forbear to speak the praise 
 
 of such a land of pleasure ? 
 There you may lead a lazy life, 
 
 free from all kinds of labour, 
 And he that is without a wife, 
 
 may borrow of his neighbour; 
 
 There is no law, nor lawyers fees, 
 
 all men are free from fury, 
 For e'ery one do's what he please, 
 
 without a judge or jury : 
 The summer-time is warm they say, 
 
 the winter's ne'er the Colder, 
 They have no landlords rent to pay, 
 
 each man is a free-holder. 
 
 You that are free to cross the seas, 
 
 make no more disputation, 
 At Lubber land, you'll live at ease, 
 
 with pleasant recreation : 
 The captain waits but for a gale, 
 
 of prosperous wind and weather. 
 And that they soon will hoist up sail, 
 
 make hast away together. 
 
 Printed iox J. Deacon} at the Angel in Gilt Spur Street, 
 
 [4.] An ignorant Country Fellow coming along Paternoster 
 Row, had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money, 
 and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall, there sate 
 a large Monkey, whom he prayed to change his Money ; the 
 Monkey took it and put it into the Till of the Compter, where 
 he had observed to be put, and then came and Grinn'd at the 
 Man, who, being in a passion, made a noise at the Door, 
 whereat the man of the Shop, coming into the Shop, asked 
 him what was the matter ? Sir, said he, I gave your Son half 
 
 ' Jonah Deacon published from 1684 to 1695. 
 
28 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 a Crown to change, and he will not give it me again, but laughs 
 at me, and will not give me one word of answer, tho I have 
 asked him for it many a time. 
 
 [13.] The old name of Robbing, 
 Is now call'd Padding, 
 
 For when the Padders have done, 
 Their Lodgings are ta'ne 
 At the Rope in Tyburn Lane 
 
 In the Parish of Paddington. 
 
 Epitaph 
 
 On an usurer. 
 
 [14.] Here Ues at least ten in the hundred. 
 Shackled up both hands and feet, 
 That at such as lent mony gratis wondred, 
 The gain of usury was so sweet ; 
 But thus being now of life bereav'n 
 'Tis a hundred to one he's scarce gone to heav'n. 
 
 [8.] In Chancery, one time, when the Councel of the 
 parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question, by the 
 plot, and the Councel of one part said, we lie on this side my 
 Lord, and the Councel of the other part said, we lie on this 
 side. The Lord Chancellor Hatton stood up and said. If you 
 lie on both sides, whom will you have me to believe? 
 
 In praise of the Black Jack} 
 
 [13.] Be your liquor small, or as thick as mudd. 
 
 The Cheating bottle cryes, good, good, good. 
 Whereat the master begins to storme, 
 'Cause he said more than he could performe. 
 
 And I wish that his heires may never want Sack, 
 That first devis'd the bonny black Jack. 
 
 1 A bottle made of leather. Sometimes they were ornamented with 
 silver rimS, and a silver plate with the owner's coat of arms thereon ; but 
 generally they were veiy rough. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 39 
 
 No Tankerd, Flaggon, Bottle nor Jugg 
 Are half so good, or so well can hold Tugg, 
 For when they are broke or full of cracks, 
 Then they must fly to the brave black Jacks, 
 And I wish &^c. 
 
 When the Bottle and Jack stands together, O fie on't, 
 The Bottle looks just like a dwarfe to a Gyant ; 
 Then had we not reason Jacks to chuse 
 For this'l make Boots, when the Bottle mends shoes. 
 And I wish 6^r. 
 
 And as for the bottle you never can fill it 
 Without a Tunnell, but you must spill it, 
 'Tis as hard to get in, as it is to get out, 
 'Tis not so with a Jack, for it runs like a spout. 
 And I wish &'c. 
 
 And when we have drank out all our store. 
 The Jack goes for Barme to brew us some more ; 
 And when our Stomacks with hunger have bled. 
 Then it marches for more to make us some bread. 
 And I wish &•€. 
 
 I now will cease to speak of the Jack, 
 But hope his assistance I never shall lack, 
 And I hope that now every honest inan. 
 Instead of Jack will /clip him John. 
 And I wish &c. 
 
 [18.] A melting Sermon being preached in a Country 
 Church, all fell a weeping, except a Country man, who being 
 ask'd why he did not weep with the rest ? Because (says he) 
 I am not of this Parish. 
 
 [18.] A Country-man admiring the stately Fabrick of S. 
 Pauls Cathedral, asked Whether it was made in England, or 
 brought from beyond Sea. 
 
40 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The invincible 
 PRIDE of WOMEN 
 
 or 
 The London Tradesman's Lamentation 
 
 For the Prodigality of his Wife, which doth daily 
 pillage his Purse. 
 
 To the Tune of the Spinning Wheel. Licensed according to orders. 
 
 [20.] I have a Wife, the mores my Care, 
 
 who like a gaudy Peacock goes, 
 In Top Knots, Patches, Powder'd Hair, 
 
 besides she is the worst of shrows ; 
 This fills my Heart with grief and care 
 To think I must this burthen bear. 
 
 It is her forecast to Contrive 
 
 to rise about the hour of Noon, 
 And, if she's Trimm'd and Rigg'd by Five 
 
 why this I count is very soon : 
 Then goes she to a Ball or Play 
 To pass the pleasant night away. 
 
 And when she home returns again 
 
 conducted by a Bully Spark, 
 If that I in the least complain, 
 
 she does my words and actions mark : 
 And does likewise my Gullet tear, 
 Then roars like Thunder in the Air. 
 
 I never had a Groat with her 
 
 most solemnly I here declare, 
 Yet she's as proud as Lucifer, 
 
 and cannot study what to wear : 
 In sumptuous Robes she still appears 
 While I am forc'd to hide my Ears. 
 
of the- Seventeenth Century. 
 
 The lofty Top Knots on her Crown, 
 with which she sails abroad withal, 
 
 Makes me with Care alas ! look down, 
 as having now no hope at all : 
 
 41 
 
 That ever I shall happy be 
 
 In such a flaunting Wife as she. 
 
 In debt with ev'ry Shop she runs 
 for to appear in gaudy Pride, 
 
 And when the Millener she duns, 
 I then am forc'd my Head to hide : 
 
 Dear Friends, this proud imperious Wife 
 
 She makes me weary of my Life. 
 
42 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Sometimes with words both kind and mild 
 I let her know my wretched state, 
 
 For which I streightways am Revil'd : 
 says she, I will appear more Great 
 
 Than any Merchants London Dame, 
 
 Tho' thou art ruin'd for the same. 
 
 'Tis true she is both fair and young, 
 and speaks Italian, Greek, and Dutch, 
 
 Besides she hath the scolding Tongue, 
 which is, in faith, a Tongue too much : 
 
 I dare not speak nor look awry, 
 
 For fear of her severity. 
 
 My worldly glory, joy and bliss 
 is turn'd to sorrow, grief and care. 
 
 He that has such a Wife as this, 
 needs no more torment I declare : 
 
 To buy those Trinkets which they lack, 
 
 Both Stock and Credit goes to Rack. 
 
 There's many more, as well as I, 
 
 in famous London City fair, 
 Whose Wives with prodigality 
 
 doth fill their Husbands hearts with care ; 
 I pity those with all my Heart, 
 Since I with them do bear a Part. 
 
 [4.] Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted, but 
 had not seen each other a great while, meeting on the Road, 
 one ask'd the other how he did ; he told him He was very 
 well, and was Married since he saw him : the other reply'd, 
 That was well indeed : not so well neither, said he, for I have 
 Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not so ill 
 neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well 
 again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out 
 in Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, 
 said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the 
 Skins for more money than the Sheep cost. That was well. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 43 
 
 indeed, quoth his friend. Not so well neither, said he, for I 
 laid out my money in a House and it was burned. That's 
 very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for my 
 Wife was burned in it. 
 
 On a little Gentleman and one Mr Story. 
 
 [5.] The little man, by t'other man's vain glory, 
 It seems was roughly us'd (so says the story) 
 But being a little heated and high blown,' 
 In anger flyes at Story, puis him down ; 
 And when they rise (I know not how it fated) 
 One got the worst, the Story Was translated 
 From white to red, but ere the fight was ended 
 It seems a Gentleman, that one befriended. 
 Came in and parted them ; the little blade. 
 There's none that could intreat, or yet perswade. 
 But he would fight still, till another came. 
 And with sound reasons councel'd gainst the same. 
 'Twas in this manner ; friend, ye shall not fight 
 With one that's so unequall to your height. 
 Story is higher ; t'other made reply, 
 I'd pluck him down were he three Stories high. 
 
 [18.] A Tradesman that would never work by Candle 
 light, was asked the reason why ? To save Candles, says he ; 
 a Peny saved is a Peny got. 
 
 Epitaph on a Scrivener. 
 
 [13.] Here to a period is a Scriv'ner come ; 
 
 This is his last sheet, full point and total sum. 
 
 Of all aspersions, I excuse him not, 
 
 'Tis plain, he liv'd not without many a blot ; 
 
 Yet he no ill example shew'd to any. 
 
 But rather gave good coppies unto many. 
 
 He in good Letters alwayes had been bred, 
 
 And hath writ more, than many men have read. 
 
44 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 He Rulers had at his command by law, 
 
 Although he could not hang, yet he could draw. 
 
 He did more Bond men make than any, 
 
 A dash of s pen alone did ruine many. 
 
 That not without all reason we may call 
 
 His letters, great or little, Capitall ; 
 
 Yet 'tis the Scrivner's fate as sure as Just, 
 
 When he hath all done, then he falls to dust. 
 
 [8.] One was saying that his great Grandfather, and 
 Grandfather, and Father died at Sea. Said another that 
 heard him, and I were you, I would never come at Sea. 
 Why, saith he, where did your great Grandfather, Grandfather 
 and Father die? He answered, where, but in their beds? 
 saith the other, And 1 7vere as you, I would never come to bed. 
 
 These following are to be understood two ways. 
 
 [13.] I saw a Peacock, with a fiery tail. 
 
 I saw a blazing Comet, drop down hail. 
 
 I saw a Cloud, with ivy Circled round. 
 
 I saw a sturdy Oak, creep on the ground. 
 
 I saw a Pismire,^ swallow up a Whale. 
 
 I saw a raging Sea, brim full of Ale. 
 
 I saw a Venice Glass, sixteen foot deep. 
 
 I saw a Well, full of mens tears that weep. 
 
 I saw their Eyes, all in a flame of fire. 
 
 I saw a House, as big as the Moon and higher. 
 
 I saw the Sun, even in the midst of night 
 
 I saw the Man that saw this wondrous sight. 
 
 [12.] One writ Olivarius « 
 
 Instead of Oliverus, 
 In Oliver's time ; 'twas his will. 
 And his reason was good. 
 If well understood, 
 'Cause he varies from vents still. 
 ' An ant. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 45 
 
 [12.] A man he did say 
 
 To his friend t'other day, 
 That his sow had lost her life ; 
 
 Sayes one Mr Howes, 
 
 Now you talk of Sowes, 
 Pray, Neighbour, how does your wife ? 
 
 [i8.] John Scot so famous for his Learning, sitting at 
 Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him 
 what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which 
 he presently reply'd Mensa tantum, that is the Tables breadth ; 
 for the other sat just over against him. 
 
 or, his 
 
 Ramble in a Tempestuous Night, where he 
 
 hapn'd to Discourse with Men of 
 
 several Cdlings, of his own 
 
 Colour and Complexion. 
 
 To a very pleasant itew Tune. 
 
 [21.] And the Devil he was weather-beat, 
 and forc'd to take a tree, 
 Because the tempest was so great, 
 
 his way he could not see : 
 But under an Oak, instead of a Cloak, 
 he stood to keep himself dry, 
 ** And as he stood, a Fryer in his hood, 
 by chance came passing by. 
 
 And the Devil he made the Fryer afraid, 
 
 with that he crost his breast ; ■" 
 Then up the Devil started, the Fryer was faint-hearted, 
 
 you may wink and choose the best : 
 
46 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 For I am the Fryer, and thou art the Lyar, 
 
 therefore thou art my father ; 
 I am a Doctor of Evil, and thou art the Devil, 
 
 the worser I hold thee rather. 
 
 A Collier and his Cart came by, 
 
 which coals he did use to carry. 
 And as soon as the Devil he did him espy, 
 
 he caused him awhile to tarry : 
 For why, I do think that with thee I must drink, 
 
 and he called for a glass of claret ; 
 Now I find by thy smell, that thou earnest from hell, 
 
 and I fear thou hast stole my chariot. 
 
 The next that came by was a Chimney Sweeper, 
 
 with poles, his brooms, and shackles. 
 What meanest thou, Man, the Devil he said, 
 
 that thou usest all those tackles ? 
 I pry thee gentle Blade, tell me thy trade, 
 
 thy face it is so besmeared, 
 Hadst thou been so black, and no tools at thy back, 
 
 thou'dst have made me sore afraid. 
 
 Sir, a Chimney Sweeper I do profess, 
 although my trade's but mean, 
 
 It is for to sweep all dirty holes, 
 and to keep foul chimneys clean : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 47 
 
 Then go to Hell, where the Devil doth dwell, 
 
 and he will give thee a piece, 
 God a mercy, old Dog, when I sheer my hog 
 
 then thou shalt have the fleece. 
 
 The next that came by was a tawny Moor, 
 
 and the Devil bid him see, 
 And he fleered on his tawny skin, 
 
 crying, Friend, art thou any kin to me ? 
 For sure your skin doth resemble our kin, 
 
 therefore let us walk together. 
 And tell me how you do allow, 
 
 of this tempestuous weather. 
 
 Then the next that came by was a Gun-powdeir man, 
 
 which coales and brimstone sifted, 
 That in three quarters of a year, 
 
 himself had hardly shifted : 
 Then up the Devil rose, and snuffed his nose, 
 
 he could indure it no longer, 
 Cry'd, Away with this fume, 'tis not fit for the room 
 
 it will neither quench thirst, no, nor hunger. 
 
 I pre thee, gentle Blade, tell me thy trade, 
 
 as thou hast so strong a smell. 
 It is for to make gunpowder, he said, 
 
 for to blow the Devil out of Hell : 
 And if I had him here, his joynts would I tear, 
 
 he should neither scratch, no, nor bite, 
 I would plague the Devil, for all his evil, 
 
 and make him leave walking by night. 
 
 Then a Tinker worse than all the rest, 
 
 although he was not so black, 
 By chance as he came passing by, 
 
 with his budget on his back : 
 He cry'd. Yonder is the Devil's tree 
 
 let us see who dar'st go thither. 
 For it will sustain, from the wind and the rain, 
 
 or any tempestuous weather. 
 
48 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 That shall be try'd, the Devil then he cry'd, 
 
 then up the Devil he did start, 
 Then the Tinker threw his staif about, 
 
 and he made the Devil to smart : 
 There against a gate, he did break his pate, 
 
 and both his horns he broke : 
 And ever since that time, I will make up my rhime, 
 
 it was called The Devil's Oak. 
 
 Printed for C. Bates,^ at the Sun and Bible, in Pye Corner. 
 
 [4.] A Wine Cooper in Mark Lane taking a Gentleman down 
 into his Cellar to Treat him, he, finding no Seat there for him 
 to sit on, asked him the reason of it ; Wky, says the Wine 
 Cooper,' /will have no Man here Drink longer than he can 
 stand. 
 
 [16.] To Doctor Sheerhood how Sack makes one leane. 
 I marveld much last day what you did meane. 
 To say that drinking Sack will make one leane ; 
 But now I see, I then mistooke you cleane. 
 For my good neighbour Marcus, who I.tro, 
 Feares fatness much, this drinke hath plyde him so. 
 That now except he leane he cannot goe. 
 Ha, gentle Doctor, now I see your meaning. 
 Sack will not leave one leane, 'twill leave him leaning. 
 
 [12.] Tom's Ears being lost, 
 
 For fear of the frost 
 The haire very long he wears ; 
 
 Then ask him why he will 
 
 Not cut it ; he still 
 Says he dares not for his ears. 
 
 [8.] A debaucht Seaman being brought before a Justice of 
 Peace upon the account of swearing, was by the Justice com- 
 manded to deposit his Fine in that behalf provided, which 
 
 1 Charles Bates, at this address (there were three contemporary C. 
 Bates), published in 1685. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 49 
 
 was two shillings, he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a 
 half crown, asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay 
 for cursing, the Justice told him six pence, quoth he then, A 
 Pox take you all for a company of Knaves and fools, and 
 there's half a crown for you ; I will never stand changing of 
 mony. 
 
 The Long Nos'd Lass 
 
 is evidently traceable to Miss Tannakin Skinker, who was 
 born in 1618 ; but it is astonishing how widely spread is the 
 belief in " Pig faced Ladies." No doubt but there has been 
 some foundation in fact for it, for I am credibly informed that 
 not long since,^ a child, whose face bore a singular likeness 
 to a pig, was born in the City of London Lying-in Hos- 
 pital in the City Road — and not only survived its birth, but 
 is in all probability still living. In 181 5 a pig -faced lady, 
 elegantly dressed, used to drive about London in her carriage ; 
 but whether people were being hoaxed by one wearing a mask 
 is not known. George Morland painted a portrait of the 
 "Wonderful Miss Atkinson Born in Ireland, has ;^2o,ooo 
 fortune and is fed out of a Silver Trough," and Fairburn 
 published an engraving of her. Miss Steevens, who founded 
 Steeven's Hospital at Dublin, is also credited with being pig- 
 faced ; whilst pig-faced ladies used commonly to be shown at 
 fairs. But these were fictitious, as a quarrel in a caravan at 
 Plymouth, some years since, brought to light, when it was 
 shown that her ladyship was a bear whose face and neck had 
 been carefully shaved, whilst its head was adorned with a 
 wig with ringlets and a cap with artificial flowers. The 
 bear was securely fastened in a chair, and draped to imitate 
 a fashionably-dressed lady. 
 
 It is, however, with the contemporary monstrosity that 
 we have chiefly to deal, and a very rare tract in the Bodleian 
 Library^ gives " A certaine Relation of the Hog faced Gentle- 
 woman called Mistris Tannakin Skinker, who was borne at 
 Wirkham a Neuter Towne betweene the Emperour and the 
 
 ' Some time between 2Sth June and 29th September 1881. 
 
 ' A wonderful lithographic facsimile by Francis Compton Price, Esq., is 
 in the British Museum, 12205. h., catalogued under the heading Skinker. 
 
 E 
 
50 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Hollander, scituate on the river Rhyne. Who was bewitched 
 in her mothers wombe in the yeare 1618, and hath lived ever 
 since unknowne in this kind to any, but her Parents and a 
 few other neighbours. And can never recover her true 
 shape tell she be married &c. Also relating the cause, as it is 
 since conceived, how her mother came so bewitched. London. 
 Printed by^! O. and are to be sold by F. Grove^ at his shop 
 on Snow-hil ntsxe. St Sepulchers Church." 1640. 
 
 This veracious history gives an account of various remark- 
 able births. " But I come now to humane Births, beginning 
 with those forraigne, and ending with the domesticke ; about 
 the beginning of the Marsick Warre, one Alcippe, a woman of 
 especiall note, at the time of her childing, was delivered of 
 an Elephant ; and another (whose name is not left unto us) 
 of a Serpent. In Thessaly, one was brought to bed of an 
 infant which had the shape of an Hypocentaure, and expired 
 the same day that it received breath," etc. 
 
 After thus paving the way for his own particular marvel, 
 the writer goes on : "I fall now immediatly upon the party 
 before propounded. In a place in Holland called Wirkham, 
 being a neuter Towne ; as lying between Holland and those 
 parts belonging to the Empire, on the River Rhine, lived one 
 loachim Skinker, whose wife's name was Parnel, a man of 
 good revenue, but of a great estate in money and cattle ; these 
 two having very loving lived together without any issue to 
 succeed them in their goods and inheritance : it being no 
 small griefe unto them, that either strangers, or some of their 
 owne ungrateful kindred should after death enjoy those 
 meanes, for which they had so laboriously travail'd : When 
 they were in their greatest despaire, it hapned thus, she found 
 herselfe conceived with childe, which was a greater joy and 
 comfort to her and her husband : But whether they were 
 unthankful for such an unexpected blessing, or what other 
 thing was the cause, I am not able to determine ; but it so 
 hapned, that in the yeere 1618, she was safely delivered of a 
 Daughter, all the limbes and lineaments of her body well 
 featured and proportioned, only her face, which is the orna- 
 ment and beauty of all the rest, had the Nose of a Hog, or 
 ■' Francis Grove published between 1620 and 1655. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 51 
 
 Swine : which was not only a stain and blemish, but a deformed 
 uglinesse, making all the rest lothsome, contemptible and 
 odious to all that lookt upon her in her infancie. 
 
 " If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a Childe, 
 how much greater may wee conjecture their sorrowes were, to 
 be the parents of such a monster : but considering with them- 
 selves what Heavens would have, they had not pOwer to 
 hinder, and studying (as farre as in them lay) to conceale 
 their shame, they so farre mediated with the Midwife and the 
 other women that were present at the delivery, that they 
 should keepe it as close and secret as it was possible to doe : 
 and they called the name of it Tannikin, which is as much in 
 English as Anne or Hannah. . : 
 
 " This prodigious birth though it was knowne to some few, 
 yet it was not made popular & spoken of by all, which the 
 Father and Mother for their owne reputations and credits were 
 very carefuU to maintaine ; so that it was never scene by any 
 (being an infant bare-fac'd) but vail'd and covered, and so- 
 brought up in a private Chamber, both fed and taught by the 
 Parents onely ; and her deformity scarce knowne to any of the 
 Servants : and as the daughter grew in stature, so the Father 
 also increased with wealth, so that he was accounted to be one 
 of the richest men in all that Country 
 
 " It is credibly reported, that this Burgess wife having con- 
 ceived, an old woman suspected for a Witch came to begge 
 of her an Ahnes, but she being at that (time) busied about 
 some necessary affaires gave her a short and neglectful! 
 answer ; at which she went away muttering to herselfe the 
 Divell's Faier nosier, and was heard to say ; As the Mother is 
 Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child shee goeth withall: which 
 is a great probability that the infants deformity came by the 
 malitious Spells and divelish murmurations of this wicked 
 woman ; who, after, for the like, or worse practises both upon 
 men women and children whom she had bewitched unto 
 death, being brought within compasse of the Law ; and after 
 to suffer at the stake ; amongst many other things confessed 
 as much as I have before related ; yet either out of her per- 
 verse obstinacy would not, or else (the Devill forsaking her in 
 extreamity, as he doth all his other servants) in her deficiency 
 
52 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 of power, could not uncharme her : yet by this means that 
 which was before kept so private, was now pubKckly dis- 
 covered to the World ; insomuch • that much confluence of 
 people came to see the progedy, which wearied the Father 
 and cast a blush upon the cheekes of the good woman the 
 mother : some desirous to heare her speake, whose language 
 was onely the Dutch Hoggish Houghs, and the Piggs French 
 Owee, Owee, for other words she was not able to utter ; which 
 bred in some, pitty, in others laughter, according to their 
 severall dispositions. 
 
 " Others were importunate to see her feede, then milke and 
 the like was brought unto her in a Silver Trough ; to which 
 she stooped and eate just as a Swine doth in his swilling Tub; 
 which the more mirth it bred in the Spectators, increased in 
 the Parents the more Melancholy." 
 
 From this part the tract gets more and more romantic. 
 An astrologer was consulted, and he advised her being married, 
 when her cure might be effected. So the parents gave out 
 that she would have a dowry of ;^4o,ooo paid down on her 
 marriage. Then follows a list of her suitors, and after an 
 episode which has nothing to do with the matter in hand, the 
 tract winds up : "I should have spoken something of her 
 residing in or about London, as of her being in Black Friers, 
 or Covent Garden, but I can say little : onely abundance of 
 people doe resort to each place tO enquire the truth : some 
 have protested they have scene her, by the helpe of their 
 acquaintance and give this reason why she will not as yet be 
 Constantly in one place, because the multitude is so great that 
 doe resort thither that they dare not be knowne of her abiding, 
 lest by denying the sight of her, they that own the house should 
 have it pulled down about their eares. Her portion is very 
 large, it being 40,000 pounds; she likewise goeth very gallant 
 in aparrell, and very courteous in her kind to all. And who- 
 ever shall in Pamphlet, or Ballad, write or sing otherwise than 
 is discoursed of in this small Tract, they erre from truth : for 
 what is here discovered, is according to the best and most 
 approved Intelligence." 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 53 
 
 The Long-Nos'd LASS 
 
 or 
 
 The Taylors, Millers, Tinkers, Tanners, and 
 Glovers; with a great number of other 
 Tradesmen, dash't out of Countenance by a Sow- 
 Ships Beauty, to their great discontent, and 
 her perpetual trouble. 
 
 Tune of The Country. Farmer. 
 
 This may be printed R. P. 
 
 [22.] did you not hear of a Rumor of late, 
 
 Concerning a person whose Fortune was great ; 
 
 Her portion was Seventeen thousand good pound, 
 
 But yet a good Husband was not to be found : 
 
 The reason of this I will tell to you now, 
 
 Her visage was perfectly just like a Sow, 
 
 And many to Court her came flocking each day, 
 
 But seeing her, straight they run frighted away. 
 
54 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Amongst all the rest, a fine Taylor also, 
 Resolv'd to this person a Suitor to go ; 
 Quoth he, at the present, alas I am poor. 
 Of Silver and Gold I shall then have good store : 
 Tis Cowcomber^ time, and I now have no Trade, 
 But if I do get her, I then shall be made, 
 Therefore I will put on the best of my Cloaths, 
 My Hat, with my Band, and my Holyday Hose. 
 
 The hopes of this Fortune his fancy did feed. 
 And therefore to her he did hasten with speed. 
 When coming, he straight for this person did ask, 
 She came her own self in a fine Visor, Mask ; 
 And said, I am she. Sir, pray what would you have ? 
 I'm come, quoth the Taylor, your Love for to crave ; 
 She open'd the door, and bid him welcome in, 
 And then to his Courting he straight did begin. 
 
 The Taylor went on with a noble good grace. 
 Like one of much Courage his Love to Embrace ; 
 Thought he, with a Fortune I now shall be blest. 
 But, listen, I pray, to the Cream of the Jest : 
 She puU'd off her Vizor, and turn'd her about, 
 And straightway the Taylor beheld her long Snout ; 
 Ah 1 how he was frighted and run out of door, 
 And vow'd he would never come near her no more. 
 
 The next was a Miller who to her did Ride, 
 Resolved he was for to make her his Bride ; 
 Quoth he, as I now am a right honest Man, 
 rie Wed her and Love her as well as I can ; 
 For Beauty, O let it be now as it will. 
 As long as she brings me good Grist to the Mill ; 
 Both Silver and Gold I shall have at Command, 
 With which I will Purchase me Houses and Land. 
 
 I now in conceit am as great as a Lord, 
 What pleasures soever the World can afford, 
 
 1 i.e. People had their summer clothes, and business was slack until 
 the autumn. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 55 
 
 I'le have it, and likewise in Silver will shine, 
 Then Gillian will wonder to see me so fine : 
 To RoUn my Servant, i'le give my great Bowl, 
 With which I was formerly us'd to take Toll, 
 And likewise the Mill, if I marry this Maid, 
 For never no more will I follow the Trade. 
 
 As he was a riding to her on his Mare, 
 He thus was a building Castles in the air ; 
 But when he beheld her most amiable Face, 
 Alas ! he was soon in a sonowful Case ; 
 His hopes were confounded, away he did run. 
 Saying, should I have her, a thousand to one. 
 But I shall be frighted, when her I behold, 
 Therefore I'le not have her for Silver or Gold- 
 
 Both Tinkers and Tanners and Glovers also 
 Came to her, the Money encouraged them so ; 
 Nay, thousands came to her then every day, 
 Each striving to carry this Beauty away : 
 But when they beheld this most ordinary stuff. 
 The sight of her Visage did give them enuff; 
 Yet if she be Marry'd while here she does live, 
 A perfect account of the Wedding I'le give. 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby'^ at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner. 
 
 [17.] Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head 
 so white ? Cause, says he, my head is twenty years older than 
 my beard. 
 
 [4.] A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding 
 briskly on his kettle. Have yoii any Work for a Tinker ? A 
 Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a 
 Pillory near his door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing 
 to the Pillory : to whom the Tinker smartly replyed, Sir, if you 
 ■will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and 
 Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain. 
 ^ He published from 1672 to 1695. 
 
56 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 A Dialogue concerning Hair, between a 
 Man and a Woman. 
 
 M. 
 
 [13.] Ask me no more why I do wear 
 My Hair so far below my ear : ^ 
 For the first Man that e're was made 
 Did never know the Barbers Trade. 
 
 W. 
 
 Ask me no more where all the day 
 The foolish Owl doth make her stay : 
 Tis in your Locks ; for tak't from me, 
 She thinks your hair an Ivy tree. 
 
 M. 
 
 Tell me no more that length of hair 
 Can make my visage look less fair ; 
 For how so'er my hair doth fit, 
 I'm sure that yours comes short of it.^ 
 
 W. 
 
 Tell me no more men wear long hair 
 To chase away the Colder air ; 
 For by experience we may see 
 Long hair will but a back friend be. 
 
 M. 
 
 Tell me no more that long hair can 
 Argue deboistness ^ in a man ; 
 For 'tis Religious being inclin'd 
 To save the Temples from the wind. 
 
 1 Prynne was especially exercised in his mind about this fashion, and 
 wrote a book called " The Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes, or a Summarie 
 discourse, proving the wearing and nourishing of a locke or love locke to 
 be altogether unseemly and unlawfuU unto Christians" (1628), and also 
 "A Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646). 
 
 ' An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over the forehead then 
 worn by ladies. ^ Debauchedness. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 57 
 
 W. 
 
 Ask me no more why Roarers wear 
 Their hair extant below their ear ; 
 Jor having morgag'd all their Land, 
 they'd fain oblige the appearing Band. 
 
 M. 
 
 Ask me no more why hair may be 
 The expression of Gentility : 
 'Tis that which being largely grown 
 Derives its Gentry from the Crown. 
 
 W. 
 
 Ask me no more why grass being grown, 
 With greedy Sickle is cut down. 
 Till short and sweet \ So ends my Song, 
 Lest that long hair should grow too long. 
 
 [i2.] Some did ask Tom Gold 
 What's Latin for Cold ; 
 Why truly, says he, my Friends, 
 I know it full well, 
 And I feel I can tell, 
 For I hav't at my fingers ends. 
 
 [i8.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, 
 where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, 
 ■where yours never was. 
 
 [8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had 
 occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he 
 at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much 
 they would have for-so much as would reach from ear to ear, 
 for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so 
 much ; so some few words passing between them, he at last 
 agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure 
 
58 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 on his own head, thus saying, One ear is here, and the other is 
 nailed to the Pillory in Bristol!, and I fear you have not so much 
 of this Lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain ; 
 therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of 
 payment, & provide the rest with all expedition. 
 
 MARK NOBLE'S FROLLICK; 
 
 who being 
 
 Stopp'd by the Constable near to the Tower, was 
 examin'd where he had been ; whither he was going ; 
 and his Name and Place where he dwelt : to which he 
 answered, Where the Constable would have been glad 
 to have been, and where he was going he dared not go 
 for his Ears, as likewise his Name, which he called 
 Twenty Shillings ; with an Account of what followed 
 and how he came off. 
 
 To the Tune of The New Rant. Licensed according to order. 
 
 ' [23.] One night at a very late hour 
 
 a Watchmaker home did repair ; 
 When coming along by the Tower, 
 was stopp'd by the Constable there. 
 
 Friend, come before Mr Constable, 
 
 to see what his Worship will say. 
 You'd have me do more than I'm able, 
 
 I fear I shall fall by the way. 
 
 Sir, tell me, and do not deceive me, 
 
 where have you been playing your part ? 
 
 Kind Mr Constable, believe me, 
 
 where you'd have been with al your heart. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 Sweet Bacchus in Bumpers were flowing, 
 which Liquor all mortal Men chears, 
 
 And now, after all, I am going, 
 
 where you dare not come for your Ears. 
 
 59 
 
 Your Words they are sawcy and evil, 
 this may be a Charge to your Purse ; 
 
 For why ? you are something uncivil, 
 to answer a Constable thus. 
 
 Oh, where do you dwell with a whennion?i 
 cross Humours we will not allow, 
 
 Sir, out of the King's own Dominion, 
 pray, what can you say to me now? 
 1 " Wanion,'' with a vengeance, with a plague. 
 
6o Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Pray what is your name you cross Villain ; 
 
 be sure that you answer me true ; 
 Why, Sir, It is just Twenty Shilling, 
 
 I think I have satisfied you. 
 
 What Trade are you, Brewer or Baker ? 
 
 or do you a Waterman ply ? 
 No, Sir, I'm an honest Watch-maker, 
 
 my Trade I will never deny. 
 
 Have you e'er a Watch you can show. Sir, ? 
 
 we'll see how it sutes with our Clocks ; 
 Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir. 
 
 I wish you were all in the Stocks. 
 
 You Sawcy impertinent Fellow, 
 because you have answered me so. 
 
 Although your mad Brains they be mellow, 
 this Night to a Prison you go. 
 
 Therefore without any more dodging, 
 the Lanthorns was lighted streightway ; 
 
 They guarded him to his strong Lodging, 
 to lye there while Nine the next day. 
 
 Next Morning the Constable brought him. 
 
 before a Justice to appear, 
 And earnestly then he besought him, 
 
 a Sorrowfull Story to hear. 
 
 Of all the Transactions he told him, 
 to which the good Justice reply'd, 
 
 From Liberty he would withold him, 
 till the Naked Truth should be try'd. 
 
 The Tradesman returned this Answer, 
 the Truth I will never deny ; 
 
 If I may speak without Offence, Sir, 
 I scorn to be catch'd in a Lye. 
 
 I said nothing which was unfitting, 
 as solemnly here I profess ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 6i 
 
 The King, he is King of Great Britain 
 and I live in Britain the less.^ 
 
 The next thing that causes the Trouble, 
 my Name he would have me to show. 
 
 The which is right honest Mark Noble^ 
 and that's Twenty Shillings you know. 
 
 Then asking me where I was going, 
 
 and I being void of all Fears, 
 Right readily made him this Answer, 
 
 where he dare not go for his Ears. 
 
 I rambl'd all day, yet the Centre, 
 
 at night was to lye by my Wife, 
 Instead of his Ears, should he venture, 
 
 1' faith it might cost him his Life. 
 
 Now when he had given this Relation, 
 
 of all that had past in the night. 
 It yielded most pleasant Diversion, 
 
 the Justice he laughed outright 
 
 It seems that a Glass of Canary, 
 
 conducted the Gallant along : 
 I find that he's nothing but merry, 
 
 intending no manner of wrong. 
 
 Therefore I will free him from Prison 
 
 without any Charges or Fees, 
 It being no more than right reason, 
 
 you watch not for such men as these. 
 
 Printed for B. Deacon at the Angel in Giltspur Street. 
 
 [17.] A Gentleman ask'd a Shepherd, whether that River 
 was to be passed over or not : Yes, says he, but going to try, 
 flounc'd over head and ears. Why thou Rogue, says he, did 
 you not tell me it might be past over ? Truly, Sir, says he, I 
 thought so, for my Geese go over and back again every day. 
 
 ' Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street. 
 2 A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble 6s. 8d. 
 
62 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [i2.] One did ask why B 
 
 Was set before C, 
 And did much desire to know ; 
 
 Why, a man must be, 
 
 Before he can see. 
 And I think I have hit on't now. 
 
 Against Swearing. 
 [6.] In elder times an ancient custome was 
 
 To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse. 
 But when the Masse went downe (as old men note) 
 They sware then by the Crosse of this same grote.^ 
 But when the Crosse was likewise held in scome. 
 Then by their faith, the common oth was sworne. 
 Last, having sworne away all faith and troth, 
 Only God damn them is the common oth. 
 
 Thus custome kept decorum by gradation, 
 
 That losing Masse, Crosse, Faith, they find damnation 
 
 One fighting with his wife. 
 [24.] Meg and her husband Tom, not long agoe, 
 Were at it close, exchanging blow for blow. 
 Both being eager, both of a stout heart, 
 Endured many a bang ere they would part 
 
 Peter lookt on & would not stint the strife, 
 He's curst (quoth he) that parteth man and wife. 
 
 Han Infentory of the Couds of William Morgan, 
 ap Renald, ap Hugh, ap Richard, ap Thomas, ap 
 Evan, ap Rice, in the County of Glamorgan, 
 Shentleman. 
 
 Imprimis. In the Pantry of Poultry (for hur own eating) One 
 
 1 Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last bearing a cross on the reverse 
 James I. coined none. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 63 
 
 creat Pig four Week old, one Coose, one Cock Gelding, 
 
 two Black puddings, three Cow-foots. 
 Item. In the Pantry of Plate, one Grid-iron, one Fripan, one 
 
 Tripan, three Wooden Ladle, three Cann. 
 Item. In the Napery, two Towel, two Table Cloath, four 
 
 Napkin, one for hurself, one for hur Wife Shone, two for 
 
 Cusen Shon ap Powell and Thomas ap Hugh, when was 
 
 come to hur House. 
 Item, In the Wardrope, one Irish Rugg, one Frize Sherkin, one 
 
 Sheepskin Tublet,^ Two Irish Stocking, two Shooe, six 
 
 leather Points. 
 Item. In the Tary} one Toasting Shees, three oaten Cake, 
 
 three Pint of Cow Milk, one pound of Cow Butter. 
 Item in the Kitchen, one Pan with white Curd, two White pot, 
 
 two Red Herring, nine Sprat. 
 Item. In the Cellar, one Firkin of Wiggan, two Gallon sower 
 
 ^ Doublet. ° Dairy. 
 
64 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Sider, one Pint of Perry, one little Pottle of Carmarden 
 
 Sack, alias Metheglin. 
 Item, In the Armory of Weapon, to kill her Enemy, One 
 
 Pack Sword, two edge, two Welsh-hook, three long Club 
 
 one Cunn, one Mouse trap. 
 Item. In the Garden, One Ped Carlike, nine Onion, twelve 
 
 Leek, twelve Worm, twelve Frog. 
 Item. In the Leas-way. Two Tun Cow, one Mountain Calf. 
 Item. In the Common-field, Two Welch Nag, twelve long 
 
 leg'd Sheep, fourteen and twenty Coat. 
 Item. In the Proom Close, three Robin Run-hole, four Hare, 
 
 hur own Coods if Imr can catch hur. 
 Item. In the Parn one half Heblet of Oate, seven Pea, two 
 
 Pean. 
 Item. In the Study [j>y Cot hur was almost forgot hur) One 
 
 Welch Pible, two Almanack, one Erra Pater^ one Seven 
 
 Champions 2 for St Taffy sake, twelve Pallat,^ one 
 
 Pedigree. 
 Item. In the Closet Two Straw hat, one louse. 
 Item. In the Ped. Two naked Pody, one Shirt, one Flannel 
 
 smock at hur Ped's head. 
 Item. More Catfle about the House. Two Tog, three Cat, 
 
 twelve Mouse {pox on hur, was eat hur toot Cheese) 1000 
 
 White Flea with black Pack. 
 Item. More Lumber about the House. One Wife, two Shild, 
 
 one call hur Plack Shack, and t'other little Morgan. 
 Item. In the Yard under the Wall, one Wheel, two Pucket, 
 
 one Ladder, two Rope. 
 
 This Inventory taken Note in the presence of hur own Cusen 
 Rowland Merideth ap Howel and Lowellin Morgan ap William 
 in Anno 1849,* ^A« ihe Ten and Thirtieth of Shune. 
 
 The above named William Morgan dyed when hur had 
 threescore and twenty years, thirteen Months, one Week and 
 Seven days. 
 
 ' An astrological almanac. 
 
 2 Chap-book of the "Seven Champions of Christendom. " s Ballads 
 
 * Probably antedated two centmies to make it more comical 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 65 
 
 A NOTE of some LEGACY of a creat deal of Goods, 
 bequeathed to hur Wife and hur two Shild, and all hur Cusens, 
 and Friends and Kindred in the Manner asfolloweth. 
 
 Imprimis. Was give hur teer Wife, Shone Morgan, awl hur 
 Goods in the Ped, over the Ped, and under the Ped. 
 
 Hem. Was give to hur eldest Son Plack Shack, 40 and 1 2 
 Card to play at Whipper Shinny 4 Try to sheat hur 
 Cusen : besides awl her Land to the fule value of 20 and 
 10 shillings 3 groats per Annum. 
 
 Item. Was give to hur second Son, Little Morgan ap Morgan, 
 hur short ladder under the Wall in the Yard and two 
 Rope.i 
 
 Item. Was give to hur Cusen Rowland Merideth ap Howell 
 and Lewellin Morgan whom was made her Executor, full 
 power to pay awl hur Tet, when hur can get Money. 
 
 Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of Evan ap Richard, 
 ap Shinkin, ap Shone, hur own Cusen the Tay and Year above 
 written. 
 
 Licens'd and Enter'd. 
 
 London. Printed by and for W. O.^ and sold by the Booksellers. 
 
 Upon one Day that ran away, and laid 
 the Key under Door. 
 
 [25.] Here Night and Day conspire a cheating flight, 
 For Day they say, is run away by Night. 
 The Day is past, why, Landlord 1 where's your rent, 
 Cou'd you not see the Day is almost spent. 
 Had you but Kept the Watch well, I suppose, 
 'Twas no hard thing to Know how the Day goes ? 
 Day sold and pawn'd and put off what he might, 
 Though it were ne'er so dark. Day would be light : 
 That he away with so much Rent should get. 
 Though Day were light^ 'twas no light matter yet. 
 
 ' Is this legacy a gentle intimation to his son that he may hang himself? 
 2 Is this WilUam Onley, who published from 1650 to 1702 ? 
 
66 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 You had one Day a Tenant, and wou'd fain 
 Your Eyes might one day see that Day again. 
 No, Landlord, No ; you now may truly say, 
 And to your cost too, you have lost a Day, 
 By twy-light Day is neither Day nor Night ; 
 What then ? 'twixt both, he's an Hermaphrodite. 
 Day is departed in a Mist, I fear. 
 For Day is broke, yet does not Day appear : 
 His pale face now does Day in Owl light shrowd. 
 Truth is, at present Day's under a Cloud. 
 If you wou'd meet with Day you must be wiser, 
 And up betimes, for Day's an early riser. 
 Broad Day is early up, but you begin 
 To rouze, and then broad Day is shutting in. 
 From Sun to Sun are the set times of Pay, 
 But you should have been up by break of Day : 
 Yet if you had ? you had got nothing by 't. 
 For Day was Cunning and broke over Night. 
 Day like a Candle is gone out, and where, 
 None knows, except to th' other Hemisphear. 
 You must go look the Day with Candle light, 
 This Day was sure begotten in the Night. 
 The Lanthorn-looker,! if he now began. 
 Might find the Day, but scarce the honest Man. 
 Well, Day farewel ; be't spoke to thy small praise 
 There's little honesty found now a Day's. 
 In vain you do yourself this trouble give, 
 You'i never make an even day while you live ; 
 And yet, who trusted him for any Summe, 
 Might have their mony, if the Day were come. 
 And when will that be ; when the Devil's blind ; 
 You will this Day at the Greek Calends find. 
 For, if the Sun doth hang behind the Change, 
 If you can find the Day before 'tis strange. 
 
 Then to the Tavern, Landlord, let's away, 
 Chear up your heart, hang't, 'tis a broken Day. 
 And for your Rent, never thus Rent your Soul, 
 E're long you'l see Day at a little hole : 
 ■* Diogenes. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 67 
 
 Look at the Counter'^ when you go that way, 
 Early enough, and you'l see peep of Day. 
 But how now Landlord ? what's the matter pray ? 
 What, can't you sleep, you do so long for Day ? 
 Have you a mind. Sir, to arrest the Day ? 
 There's no such Sergeant as a, Joshua. 
 Why, Landlord, is the Quarter out I pray ; 
 That you Keep such a quarter for the Day ? 
 Put off your passion, pray ; true, 'tis a Summe : 
 But don't you know that a Pay-day will come ? 
 I'le warrant you, do you but banish sorrow, 
 My life for yours. Day comes again to morrow. 
 
 [26.] A Person of Quality in this Kingdom, was one night 
 at Supper at Pickadilly house which was then an Ordinary and 
 great Gaming House, where he had bowled all day ; and after 
 Supper he call'd for some Cheese, which it seems was very 
 thin and lean ; then he ask't the Master of the House, where 
 those Cows went, of whose Milk that Cheese was made ? He 
 told him they graz'd not far off; then he swore a great Oath 
 that he was Confident that they never fed in any other place 
 than his Bowling Alley, which was made good by the fatness 
 of the Cheese they now tasted of, for it cries Rub, rub, in the 
 eating of it, when 'tis so long a going down. 
 
 Another person of Quality also, in this Kingdom, amongst 
 other Gentlemen, did often meet at a Bowling Ally, which 
 stood next to the Church-yard j and the Parson of that 
 Church had this Benefit, That if any did swear there, he was 
 to have i ad for every Oath : This Person aforesaid, happened 
 to swear a great Goliah Oath, upon which the Parson 
 demanded i2d. which he gave him; and after that swore 
 many others, for which he paid i2d a piece ; and then swear- 
 ing another, he demanded i2d as before; then he pluckt out 
 of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece and bid him give him 19s. 
 again. Sir, says he, / cannot. Why then, says he, take it for 
 I intend to swear it out. 
 
 ^ One of the city prisons. 
 
68 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 THE GREAT BOOBEE.^ 
 
 To a pleasant New Tune or SalUnger's Round. 
 
 [28.] My Friend, if you will understand 
 
 my Fortunes what they are, 
 I once had Cattell, House and Land, 
 
 but now I am never the near ; 
 My Father left a good estate, 
 
 as I may tell to thee, 
 I couzned was of all I had, 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 I went to School with a good intent, 
 and for to learn my Book, 
 
 And all the day I went to play, 
 in it I never did look : 
 
 Full seven years, or very nigh, 
 as I may tell to thee, 
 
 ^ For tune see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 69 
 
 I could hardly say my Christ Cross Row,^ 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 My Father then in all the haste, 
 
 did set me to the Plow, 
 And for to lash the Horse about, 
 
 indeed I knew not how : 
 My Father took his Whip in his hand, 
 
 and soundly lashed me, 
 He call'd me Fool and Country Clown, 
 
 and great Boobee. 
 
 But I did from my Father run, 
 
 for I will plow no more, 
 Because he so had slashed me, 
 
 and made my sides so sore : 
 But I will go to London Town 
 
 some Vashions for to see. 
 When I came there, they call'd me Clown 
 
 and great Boobee. 
 
 But as I went along the street, 
 
 I carried my Hat in my hand. 
 And to every one that I did meet, 
 
 I bravely bust^ my hand : 
 Some did laugh, and some did scoff, 
 
 and some did mock at me, 
 And some did say I was a Woodcock, 
 
 and a great Boobee. 
 
 Then did I walk in hast to PauVs 
 
 the Steeple for to view. 
 Because I heard some people say, 
 
 it must be builded new ; 
 
 ' The alphabet, so called because in the old Horn books the letters, 
 which were of course in a row, commenced with a. Cross. In Morley's 
 Introduction to Practical Music (printed 1597) is the following : " Christes 
 Crosse be my speed, in all vertue to proceede A. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. k. 
 1. m. n. o. p. q. r. s. and t. double u. v. with y, ezod & per se, con per se, 
 tittle, tittle est. Amen. When you have done begin again, begin again ! " 
 
 ^ Kissed (bussed). 
 
70 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Then I got up unto the top, 
 
 the City for to see, 
 It was so high, it made me Cry 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 From thence I went to Westminster 
 
 and for to see the Tombs, 
 Ah, said I, what a house is here, 
 
 with an infinite sight of Rooms ? 
 Sweetly the Abby bells did ring, 
 
 it was a fine sight to see, 
 Methought I was going to Heaven in a string 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 But as I went along the Street 
 
 the most part of the day. 
 Many gallants did I meet 
 
 methought they were very gay : 
 I blew my Nose and foul'd my Hose, 
 
 some people did me see. 
 They said I was a Beastly Fool, 
 
 and a great Boobee. 
 
 Next day I through Pye Comer past 
 
 the roast meat on the Stall 
 Invited me to take a taste 
 
 my Money was but small : 
 The Meat I pickt, the Cook me kickt 
 
 as I may tell to thee, 
 He beat me sore, and made me rore, 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 As I through Smithfield lately walkt 
 
 a gallant Lass I met 
 FamiUarly with me she talkt, 
 
 which I cannot forget ; 
 She proferr'd me a pint of Wine, 
 
 methought she was wondrous free, 
 To the Tavern then I went with her', 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 71 
 
 She told me we were neer of kin, 
 
 and call'd for Wine good store, 
 Before the reckoning was brought in 
 
 my Cousin proved a : 
 
 My Purse she pickt, and went away, 
 
 my Cousin couzned me, 
 The Vintner kickt me out of door, 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 At the Exchange when I came there, 
 
 I saw most gallant things, 
 I thought the Pictures living were 
 . of all our English Kings : 
 I doft my Hat, and made a Leg, 
 
 and kneeled on my knee, 
 The people laught, and call'd me Fool, 
 
 and great Boobee. 
 
 To Paris Garden ^ then I went, 
 
 where there is great resort, 
 My pleasure was my punishment, 
 
 I did not like the sport : 
 The Garden Bull with his stout horns 
 
 on high then tossed me, 
 I did bewray myself with fear, 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 Then o're the Water did I pass, 
 
 as you shall understand, 
 I^dropt into the Thames alas 
 
 before I came to Land : 
 The Water-man did help me out, 
 
 and thus did say to me, 
 Tis not thy fortune to be drown'd 
 
 like a great Boobee. 
 
 But I have learned so much wit, 
 
 shall shorten all my cares, 
 If I can but a License get 
 to play before the Bears : 
 1 A place at Bankside, Southwark, famous for bull and bear baiting. 
 
72 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 'Twill be a gallant place indeed, 
 
 as I may tell to thee 
 Then who dare call me Fool or Ass 
 
 or great Boobee. 
 
 Printed for F. Coles^ in Wine Street, on Saffron Hill near 
 Hatton Garden. 
 
 [i8.] A pleasant Fancy of an Italian by name Trivelino, 
 Who falling asleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted 
 in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse and got 
 away. Trivelino being awaked, and missing his Horse began 
 to feel himself about, saying Either I am Trivelino, or not: If 
 f am Trivelino my Horse is lost ; If not, I have got a Bridle, 
 but know not how. 
 
 [i2.] A simple Fellow lookt 
 
 On a dish that was cookt. 
 Wherein was a Calves Head by name ; 
 
 One told him, 'twas so clear, 
 
 If he lookt very near. 
 He might see his face in the same. 
 
 Ad Johannuelem Leporem, Lepidissimum ; 
 
 Carmen Heroiaim. 
 
 [24.] I sing the furious battails of the Sphceres 
 Acted in eight and twenty fathom deep. 
 And from that {a) time, reckon so many yeares 
 You'l find (p) Endimion fell fast asleep. 
 
 a. There began the Utopian accompt of years. Mor : Lib i. circa 
 finem. 
 
 b. Eitdimion was a handsome young Welshman, whom one Ltue 
 Moone lov'd for his sweet breath ; and would never hang off his lips • but 
 he not canng for her, eat abundance of toasted cheese, purposely to make 
 his breath unsavory ; upon which she left him presently, and ever since 
 
 tis proverbially spoken (as inconstant as Luce Moone). The VaHcan 
 c^1,y oi Hesiod reades her name Mohun, but contractedly it is Moone 
 Hesiod. lib 4. torn. 3. 
 
 ^ Francis Coles published between 1646 and 1674. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 73 
 
 And now assist me O ye (<:) Musiques nine 
 That teU the Orbs in order as they fight 
 And thou dread (d) Atlas with thine eyes so fine, 
 Smile on me now that first begin to write. 
 
 c. For all the Orbes make Musick in their motion. Berosus de Sphera, 
 • lib 3. 
 
 d. Atlas was a Porter in Mauritania, and because by reason of his 
 strength, he bore burthens of stupendious weight, the Poets fain'd that he 
 carried the Heavens on his shoulders. Cicero denat Deorum. lib, 7. 
 
 («) Pompey that once was Tapster of New June, J-ta-w.*- 
 
 And fought with Cissar on th' (/) jEmathian plaines. 
 First with his dreadful (^) Myrmidons came in, 
 And let them blood in the Hepatick veines. 
 
 e. There were two others of this name. Aldermen of Rome. Tit. 
 Liv. hist. lib. 28. 
 
 f. jEmathia is a very faire Common in Northampton shire. Strabo. 
 lib 321. 
 
 g. These Myrmidons were Cornish-men and sent by Bladud, sometime 
 king of this Realme, to ayd Pompey. Ccesar de bello. civili. lib, 14. 
 
 But then an Antelope in Sable blew. 
 Clad like the {Ji) Prince of Aurange in his cloke, 
 Studded with Satyres, on his Army drew, 
 And presently («) Pheander's Army broke. 
 
 h. It seemes not to be meant by Count Henry but his brother Maurice, 
 by comparing his picture to the thing here spoken of. Jansen. de prced. 
 lib 22, 
 
 i. Pheander was so modest, that he was called the Maiden Knight ; 
 and yet so valiant, that a French Cavaleer wrote his life, and called his 
 hook Pheander \hs Maiden Knight. Hon. d'Urfee. Tom ^l. 
 
 {k) Philip for hardiness sirnaraed Chub, 
 
 In Beauty equall to fork bearing (/) Bacchus, 
 Made such a thrust at {m) Phoebe with his Club, 
 That made the (n) Parthians cry she will us. 
 
 k. This seems not to be that king that was Son of Amintas, and king 
 of Mttcedon ; but one who it seems was very lascivious. 
 
 /. Bacchus was a drunken yeoman of the Guard to Queen Elizabeth 
 and a great Archer ; so that it seems the Authour mistooke his halbert for 
 a forke. 
 
74 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 m. This was Long-Megg^ of Westminster, who after this conflict with 
 Fhillip followed him in all his warres. Justinian, lib 35. 
 
 ». These were Lancashire-men and sent by King Gorbadug (for this 
 war seemes to have been in the time of the Heptarchy in England) to the 
 aide of Casar. Csesar. lib. citat. prope finem. 
 
 A subtle Gloworme lying in a hedge, 
 And heard the story of sweet cheek't {0) Apollo, 
 Snatch'd from bright (/) Styropes his Antick sledge, 
 And to the butter'd Flownders cry'd out {q) Holla. 
 0. Apollo was Casars Page, and a Monomapatan by birth, whose name 
 by inversion was Ollopa : which in the old language of that Country, 
 signifies as much as faire youth : but Euphonia Gratia, called Apollo. 
 Gor. Bee. lib. 46. 
 
 /. Styropes was a lame Smith's-man dwelling in St. John's Street ; but 
 how he was called Bright I know not, except it were by reason of the 
 Luster of his eyes. 
 
 q. Holla, mistaken for Apollo. 
 
 Holla you pamper'd Jades, quoth he, look here, 
 And mounting straight upon a Lobsters thigh. 
 An English man inflam'd with if) double Beere, 
 Swore nev'r to {s) drink to Man, a Woman by. 
 
 r. Cervisia (apud Medicos, vinum hordeaceum) potus est Anglis longe 
 charismus ; Inventum Ferrarii Londinensis, Cui nomen Smuggo. Polydor. 
 Virgil, de Invent, rerum. lib. 2. 
 
 s. Impp. Germanije, antiquitus solebant, statis temporibus, adire 
 Basingstachium ; ubi, de more, Jusjurandum solenne prsestabant, de non 
 viro propinando, prsesente muliere. Hie Mos, jamdudum apud Anglos, 
 pene vim legis obtinuit ; quippe gens ilia, longe humanissima morem 
 istum, in hodiernum usque diem, magna Curiositate, pari Comitate con- 
 juncta, usurpant. Pancirol. utriusque imperii, lib. 6. cap 5. 
 
 By this time grew the conflict to be {t) hot, 
 Boots against boots, 'gainst («) Sandals, Sandals fly, 
 Many poor thirsty men went to the pot. 
 Feathers lopt off", spurrs every where did lie. 
 
 Ccetera desiderantur. 
 t. It seems this was a great battail, both by the furie of it, and the 
 aydes of each side ; but hereof read more in Cornel. Tacit, lib. de moribus 
 German. 
 
 u. This is an imitation of Lucan. " Signis Signa & pila" &c 
 Pharsalia. lib. i. in principio. 
 
 1 A virago who lived temp. Henry VIII. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 75 
 
 Of Treason. 
 
 [16.] Treason doth never prosper j what's the reason? 
 For if it prosper, none dare call it Treason. 
 
 [12.] A miserable Jack 
 
 Gave a little glass of Sack. 
 
 To a Lass that liv'd at the Spittle ; 
 'Tis old wine, says he. 
 That's a wonder, says she, 
 
 To be old, and yet so little. 
 
 [18.] 'Tis said of one who well remembred what he had lent, 
 but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had lost one half of 
 his Memory. 
 
 On the word intollerable. 
 
 [5.] Two gentlemen did to a Tavern come, 
 
 And call'd the drawer for to shew a room, 
 The drawer did, and what room think ye was't? 
 One of the small ones, where men drink in haste ; 
 One gentleman sat down there, but the other 
 Dislik'd it, would not sit, call'd for another : 
 At which his friend, rising up from the table, 
 Cryes, friend, let's stay, this room is tollerable : 
 Why, that's the cause (quoth hee) I will not stay, 
 Is that the cause, quoth th' other ? why, I pray ? 
 To give a reason to you, I am able. 
 Because I hate to be in — Tollerable. 
 
 [26.] A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over night, in the 
 morning could not find his breeches : then he knock'd for the 
 Chamberlain : Sir, says he, if you are sure you brought them in 
 with you, you had best search your pockets for them, for you lost 
 all your Money last Night out of your Pockets, it may be your 
 Breeches are got in there. 
 
76 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The cunning Northerne Begger 
 
 Who all the By-standers doth earnestly pray 
 To bestow a penny upon him to day. 
 
 To the Tune of Tom of Bedlam. 
 
 [29.] I am a lusty begger, 
 
 And live by others giving, 
 I scorne to worke. 
 But by the highway lurke, 
 And beg to get my living : 
 I'le i' th' wind and weather, 
 And weare all ragged Garments, 
 Yet though I am bare, 
 I am free from care, 
 A fig for high preferments. 
 For still will I cry good, your worship, good sir. 
 Bestow one poor denier, sir ; 
 Which when I've got, 
 At the Pipe and Pot, 
 I soon will it casheere, sir. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. yj 
 
 I have my shifts about me, 
 Like Proteus often changing. 
 
 My shape when I will 
 
 I alter still, 
 About the country ranging : 
 As soon as I a Coatch see, 
 Or Gallants by come riding, 
 
 I take my Crotch, 
 
 And rouse from my Couch, 
 Whereas I lay abiding. 
 And still doe cry, hfc. 
 Now as a wandring Souldier, 
 (That has i' th' warres bin maymed 
 
 With the shot of a Gunne) 
 
 To Gallants I runne. 
 And begg, sir, helpe the lamed : 
 I am a poore old Souldier 
 And better times once viewed. 
 
 Though bare now I goe. 
 
 Yet many a foe, 
 By me hath been subdued. 
 And therefore I cry Gj'c. 
 
 Although I nere was further, 
 Than Kentish-street in Southwarke, 
 
 Nor ere did see 
 
 A Battery 
 Made against any bulwarke ; 
 But with my Tricks and Doxes, 
 Lay in some corner lurking. 
 
 And nere went abroad. 
 
 But to beg on the road, 
 To keep my selfe from working : 
 And alwaies to cry df f. 
 
 Anon I'm like a saylor 
 
 And weare old Canvas cloathing. 
 
 And then I say 
 
 The Dunkerks away. 
 Took all and left me nothing : 
 
78 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Sixe ships set all upon us, 
 'Gainst which we bravely ventur'd 
 And long withstood, 
 Yet could doe no good. 
 Our ship at length they enter'd 
 And therefore I cry &'c. 
 
 Sometime I like a Criple 
 Upon the ground lye crawling, 
 For money I begge. 
 As wanting a legge 
 To beare my corps from falling ; 
 Then seeme I weake of body, 
 And long t' have beene diseased, 
 And make complaint 
 As ready to faint. 
 And of my griefs increased. 
 And faintly I cry &'c. 
 
 My flesh I can so temper. 
 That it shall seeme to feister 
 
 And looke all ore, 
 
 Like a raw sore, 
 Whereon I stick a plaister : 
 With blood I daub my face then. 
 To faigne the falling sicknesse. 
 
 That in every place 
 
 They pitty my case, 
 As if it came from weaknesse. 
 And then I doe cry &'c. 
 
 Then as if my sight I wanted, 
 A Boy doth walke beside me, 
 
 Or else I doe 
 
 Grope as I goe. 
 Or have a dog to guide me : 
 And when I'm thus accounted, 
 To th' highway side I hye me. 
 
 And there I stand 
 
 With Cords in my hand, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 79 
 
 And beg of all comes nye me. 
 And earnestly cry &>€. 
 
 Next to some country fellow 
 I presently am turned, 
 
 And cry alacke, 
 
 With a Child at my back, 
 My house and goods were burned : 
 Then me my Doxes follow, 
 Who for my Wifes believed, 
 
 And along wee two 
 
 Together goe. 
 With such mischances grieved. 
 And still we doe cry dfc. 
 
 What though I cannot labour. 
 Shall I therefore pine with hunger, 
 
 No, rather than I 
 
 Will starve where I lye, 
 I'le beg of the money monger : 
 No other care shall trouble 
 My minde, nor griefe disease me, 
 
 Though sometimes the flash 
 
 I get or the lash 
 'Twill but a while displease me. 
 And still will I cry df f. 
 
 No tricks at all shall scape me. 
 But I will by my maunding 
 
 Get some reliefe 
 
 To ease my griefe. 
 When by the highway standing : 
 'Tis better be a Begger 
 And aske of kind good fellowes. 
 
 And honestly have 
 
 What we do crave. 
 Than steale and goe to the Gallowes. 
 Therefore Fie cry Ssfc. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed at London for F. Coules?- 
 » Same as Francis Coles (see "The Great Boobee "). 
 
8o Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [26.] One coming into New-Market to buy some Butter, 
 and there cheapened some; and the woman askt. lod a pound: 
 then he smelt to it ; What, says she, do you smell to it, it seems 
 you do not like my Butter: Yes, says he, but 'tis no better than 
 it should be. Then you'll buy none, says she : No, says he, for 
 a reason best known to myself. Then she askt him the reason, 
 and with much importunity he told her, 'twas because he had 
 no Money : Well then, says the Woman, take it for nothing, so 
 you'll pay m^ for it next time you come. 
 
 [12.] Sirrah, you are base 
 
 To spit in my face. 
 That he vow'd, he wou'd him kill ; 
 Sir, I pray forbear, 
 I thought no hurt here, 
 Nay, rie tread it out, if you will. 
 
 A contest at the Hoop-Tavern between two Lawyers. 
 
 [25.] Two Lawyers had of late a Tavern Jarr 
 
 And as 'twas made, 'twas try'd at Bacchus Bar ; 
 'Y\v& Jury Pints and Quarts, and Pottles were, 
 Each of a quick and understanding Eare, 
 Brought in their verdict, which no sooner pass'd 
 But that the Lawyers they themselves did cast. 
 Sir Burdeux Claret, White, Signiour Canary, 
 Sir Reynold Rhenish, with a tertiorary, 
 Whipt up my Youths (& they ye know were able) 
 This into th' Chimny, that beneath the Table. 
 Where They lay both, instead of a demur. 
 So foxt, that neither, in the case, could stir. 
 They might have else a Writ of Error got, 
 But, O the Error of the Pottle Pot ! 
 Both over-thrown, and on their backs now laid, 
 Let the Sute fall, and their own charges paid. 
 
 And thus, though Westminster makes Clients stoop 
 The Lawyet's Case was alter'd at the Ifoop. ' 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 8i 
 
 [4.] A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford, 
 drinking with two or three Gentlemen, at the Mitre Tavern 
 in the Foultrey, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be 
 forming of Sylogismes &c One wise one was this. He bid 
 them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did : now : says he, 
 I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here 
 one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, 
 that's two, says he; Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why, 
 then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. Very well, 
 says the Gentleman, /'// have one Glass, and that Gentleman 
 shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains 
 in finding it out. 
 
 Of inclosing a Common. 
 
 [6.] A Lord, that purpos'd for his more availe, 
 To compass in a Common with a rayle. 
 Was reckoning with his friend about the Cost, 
 And charge of every rayle, and every post : 
 But he, (that wisht his greedy humour crost) 
 
 Said, Sir, provide you Posts, and without fayling. 
 Your neighbours round about will find you rayling. 
 
 [i2.] Some said, Sir, you keep 
 
 Such a gaping in your sleep. 
 He told 'em then they did lye all ; 
 For a looking glass he'd buy. 
 At his bed's-feet to lye, 
 ' On purpose to make a tryal. 
 
 [4.] A Scholar of Oxford having wore out the Heels of his 
 Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing 
 him them, said, O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small 
 pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite art of 
 repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two 
 Semicircles to my Suppeditors. The Cobler stared upon him, 
 as if he would have looked him through ; but a little recovering 
 himself, said. Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard 
 
82 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces, Pll have a Groat 
 foT thcitim 
 
 The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentle- 
 man's Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, you must 
 crucifie the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will 
 find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester. _ Pray 
 Sir, says the Porter, what is that Fenester ? It is, replies the 
 Scholar, the Diaphanous part of an Edifice, erected for the Intro- 
 duction of Illumination, which so amazed the Porter, that at 
 first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he 
 went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, 
 in more intelligible terms. 
 
 A Caution for Scolds 
 
 or 
 
 A True Way of Taming a Shrew. 
 
 To the tune of Why are my eyes still flowing. . This may be printed R. P. 
 
 [30.] A Noble Man he Marry'd with a cruel Scold, 
 Who in her humours would ne'r be controul'd, 
 So that he was almost a weary of his Life, 
 By the cross humours of his froward Wife : 
 Although he shewed himself exceeding kind. 
 Yet she was still of a turbulent mind ; 
 Husband and Servants her Fury must feel, 
 For in their Ears she would ring them a PeaL 
 
 When any Friend approach'd the presence of her Lord, 
 
 By this vile Shrew they were strangely abhor'd ; 
 
 With cruel Frowns and Railings she would them salute 
 
 Tho' they were Persons of worthy Repute ; 
 
 All was a case for she woud have her Will, 
 
 And the whole House with Confusion she'd fill ; 
 
 So that for fear of the heat of her Fray 
 
 They have been forc'd to run packing away. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 83 
 
 It was his chance to make a worthy noble feast, 
 
 Inviting full forty Couple at least, 
 
 Both Lords and Earls, with vertuous Ladies of high fame, 
 
 Who in true Friendship accordingly came : 
 
 All sorts of dainties he then did prepare. 
 
 No cost nor charge in the least he did spare ; 
 
 But ere they could to their Banqueting fall. 
 
 Sirs, you shall hear how she welcom'd them alL 
 
 When she beheld the Costly Dishes of Rich Meat, 
 This Shrew had not the Stomach to Eat, 
 But did cry out, I shall be Ruined at this rate. 
 This is enough to consume an Estate : 
 Before she any more words did reply 
 She made both Bottles and Dishes to flye ; 
 Both Friends and Husband she there did abuse, 
 Asking him how he dare be so profuse ? 
 
 Like Thunder loud, her voice she straight began to raise, 
 Which made the Guests to stand all in a maze. 
 Who never saw the like in all their lives before. 
 Dishes of Meat they lay strow'd on the floor j 
 Thus in disorder they all went their way, 
 Each one was glad they were out of the fray ; 
 Then said her Husband did ever Man know, 
 Any poor Mortal so plagu'd with a Shrow. 
 
84 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Now the next day he to a skilful Doctor went, 
 Promising that he would give him content, 
 If he could cure the cause of a Distracted Wife 
 Which almost made him a weary of his Life ; 
 Yes, quoth the Doctor, i'le do it ne'r fear. 
 Bring her, for now 'tis the Spring of the Year; 
 I'le take the Lunacy out of her Brains, 
 Or else I wont have a Groat for my pains. 
 
 Then home he went and sent her thither out of hand. 
 Now when the Shrow, she did well understand 
 All their intent, she cal'd the Doctor sneaking knave ; 
 Now when he see she began for to Rave, 
 Straightways the Doctor did bind her in Bed, 
 Leting her Blood, likewise shaving her Head ; 
 Sirrah, said she, I would have you to know, 
 That you shall suffer for serving me so. 
 
 Madam, said he, I know you are beside your Wits, 
 
 But I will soon bring you out of those Fits ; 
 
 I'le cut your Tongue, and when a Gallon you have bled, 
 
 'Twill cure that violent Noise in your Head ; 
 
 Pray Sir, said she, don't afflict me so sore, 
 
 I'le ne'r offend my sweet Husband no more ; 
 
 Thus by sharp Usage and keeping her low. 
 
 He had the fortune to Conquer the Shrow. 
 
 After some time, he came to see his Wife at last, 
 When she begg'd pardon for all that was past ; 
 Saying, her Fits for evermore she would refrain, 
 If he'd be pleas'd to receive her again ; 
 My former Follies I pray now forgive, 
 He ne'r offend you no more while I live : 
 Then in much love they both homeward did go 
 Thus has he made a sweet Wife of a Shrow. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 [18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the 
 Morning, Gentlemen, says he to 'em, you open Shop very earlv 
 to day. -^ -^ 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 85 
 
 [12.] Mr Hill he did say 
 
 H non est litera. 
 But a note of aspiration still ; 
 
 Now I think on't better, 
 
 If it be not a letter, 
 With him it will go very ill. 
 
 On Galla going to the Bath. 
 
 [14.] When Galla for her health goes to the Bath, 
 She carefully doth hide, as is most meet, 
 With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet, 
 Those parts that modesty concealed hath ; 
 Nor only those, but even the breast and neck, 
 That might be seen or shown without all check ; 
 
 But yet one foul and unbeseeming place. 
 
 She leaves uncovered still ; what's that ? her face. 
 
 [8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was 
 reported in some company, where divers of his Creditors were, 
 that he was dead ; one began to say in good faith, then he 
 hath Carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the 
 other world ; and another of them said, and two hundred of 
 mine ; and some others spake of several sums of theirs : 
 whereupon one that was amongst them said, Well, I see now, 
 that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into 
 the other world, yet he may carry other mens. 
 
 [5.] A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, 
 
 Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state. 
 The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted, 
 Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate : 
 
 Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees ; 
 
 Truth quoth the other, each man tosts his cheese. 
 
 [12.] 'Fore a Justice was brought 
 One for a great fault ; 
 
86 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Y'are an errant Dog, Rogue, says he ; 
 
 Sir, I am no Dog, 
 
 Nor so errant a Rogue. 
 As your Worship takes me to be. 
 
 [17.] A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many 
 Gentlemen, and it happened a Knight came thither; and 
 being a great House-wife, early in the Morning she called to 
 her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were served ; which the 
 Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at dinner, 
 Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, I hiow not 
 whether you have had your breakfast yea or no. 
 
 [5.] My love and I for kisses play'd 
 
 She would keep stakes, I was content. 
 And when I wonne, she would be payd ; 
 This made me aske her what she meant, 
 Sayth she, since you are in this wrangling vaine, 
 Take you your kisses, and give me mine againe. 
 
 On a farmer knighted. 
 
 [J.] In my conceit Sax John, you were to blame. 
 To make a quiet good wife, a mad dame. 
 
 [26.] Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house 
 together, one was asking what News there was ? T'other told 
 him. There was forty thousand Men rose to day, which made 
 them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, 
 and what did they intend ? Why faith, says he, only to go to 
 bed at Night again. 
 
 Of Milo the Glutton. 
 
 [6.] Milo with haste to cram his greedy gut, 
 One of his thumbs into the bone had cut. 
 Then straight, it noysed was about by some. 
 That he had lost his stomacke with his thumbe. 
 
 To which one said. No worse hap fall unto him 
 But, if a poore man finde it, 'twill undo him. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 87 
 
 [18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand 
 Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their 
 Coaches went a good rate ; the first looking out of the Coach 
 called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. 
 And I beg, said the Gentleman presently, a thousand Founds. 
 
 A Pleasant new Ballad you here may behold. 
 
 How the Devillj though subtle, was guld by a Scold. 
 
 To the Tune of The Seminary Priest. 
 
 [31.] Give eare my loving Country-men 
 
 that still desire newes, 
 Nor passe not while you heare it sung, 
 
 or else the song peruse : 
 For ere you heare it, I must tell 
 
 my newes, it is not common. 
 But He unfold a trueth betwixt 
 
 a Devill and a woman. 
 
 Tom Thumb is not my subiect, 
 whom Fairies oft did aide, 
 
 Nor that mad spirit Robin 
 
 that plagues both wife and maid 
 
88 Humour, Wit, and Sahre 
 
 Nor is my song satyricke like, 
 invented against no man, 
 
 But onely of a pranke betwixt 
 a Devill and a woman. 
 
 A woman well in yeares 
 
 liv'd with a husband kinde 
 Who had a great desire 
 
 to live content in minde, 
 But twas a thing impossible 
 
 to compasse his desire 
 For night and day with scolding 
 
 she did her husband tire. 
 
 With roughish, lowtish clowne, 
 
 despight thee He be wilde, 
 Doest thou think I marryed thee 
 
 to use thee like a childe. 
 And set thee on my lap, 
 
 or humour what you speake ? 
 Before He be so fond, 
 
 thy very heart He breake. 
 
 Why, loving wife, quoth he, 
 
 He never doe thee wrong, 
 So thoul't be rul'd by me, 
 
 and onely hold thy tongue. 
 And when I come from worke, 
 
 wilt please at board and bed • 
 Doe this my loving wife 
 
 and take all being dead. 
 
 Marke well, quoth she, my words 
 what ere you speak me to, 
 
 By faire meanes or by foule, 
 the contrary He doe. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 89 
 
 According to her speech, 
 
 this man led such a life, 
 That oft he wish't the Devill 
 
 to come and fetch his wife. 
 
 Had he bid her goe homely, 
 
 why then she would goe brave. 
 Had he cal'd her good wife, 
 
 she cal'd him rogue and slave ; 
 Bade he, wife goe to Church, 
 
 and take the fairest pew, 
 Shee'd goe unto an Alehouse, 
 
 and drinke, lye downe and spew. 
 
 The Devill being merry 
 
 with laughing at this mirth. 
 Would needs from hell come trotting, 
 
 to fetch her from the earth ; 
 And coming like a horse, 
 
 did tell this man his minde. 
 Saying, Set her but astride my backe, 
 
 He hurry her through the winde. 
 
 Kinde Devill quoth the man, 
 
 if thou a while will wait, 
 He bid her doe that thing 
 
 shall make her backe thee straight 
 And here He make a vow 
 
 for all she is my wife. 
 He never send for her againe 
 
 whilest I have breath or life. 
 
 Content, the Devill cry'd, 
 
 then to his wife goes he 
 Good wife, goe lead that horse 
 
 so black and fair you see. 
 Goe leade, sir Knave, quoth she 
 
 and wherefore not goe ride ? 
 She took the Devill by the reines, 
 
 and up she goes astride. 
 
90 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The Devill neighed lowd, 
 
 and threw his heeles i' th' ajrre, 
 Kick, in the Devill's name, quoth she, 
 
 a shrew doth never fear. 
 Away to hell he went, 
 
 with this most wicked scold. 
 But she did curbe him with the bit, 
 
 and would not loose her hold. 
 
 The more he cry'd. Give way, 
 
 the more she kept him in, 
 And kickt him so with both her heeles, 
 
 that both his sides were thin. 
 Alight, the Devill cry'd, 
 
 and quick the bridle loose, 
 No I will ride (quoth she) 
 
 whiles thou hast breath or shooes. 
 
 Again she kickt and prickt, 
 
 and sate so stiffe and well, 
 The Devill was not so plagu'd 
 
 a hundred years in helL 
 For pitty light (quoth he) 
 
 thou put'st me to much paine, 
 I will not Hght, (quoth she) 
 
 till I come home againe. 
 
 The Devill shewed her all 
 
 the paines within that place. 
 And told her that they were 
 
 ordain'd for Scolds so base. 
 Being bereft of breath, 
 
 for scolding tis my due, 
 But whilest I live on earth 
 
 He be reveng'd on you. 
 
 Then did she draw her knife, 
 
 and gave his eare a slit, 
 The Devill never felt 
 
 the like from mortall yet. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 91 
 
 So fearing further danger, 
 
 he to his heeles did take, 
 And faster than he came, 
 
 he poast hast home did make. 
 
 Here take her (quoth the Devill) 
 
 to keep her here be bold, 
 For hell would not be troubled 
 
 with such an earthly scold. 
 When I come home, I may 
 
 to all my fellowes tell, 
 I lost my labour and my bloud 
 
 to bring a scold to hell. 
 
 The man halfe dead did stand, 
 
 away the Devill hyde, 
 Then since the world, nor hell, 
 
 can well a Scold abide : 
 To make a saile of ships 
 
 let husbands fall to worke, 
 And give their free consents 
 
 to send them to the Turke. 
 
 Then honest wives and maides, 
 
 and widdowes of each sort, 
 Might live in peace and rest, 
 
 and Silence keep her court, 
 Nor would I have a scold, 
 
 one penny here bestow, 
 But honest men and wives 
 
 buy these before you goe. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed at London for Henry Gossoni dwelling upon London 
 Bridge . neare to the Gate. 
 
 [32.] He went to the wood and caught it, 
 He sate him down and sought it, 
 ^ Henry Gosson published between 1607 and 1641. 
 
92 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Because he could not find it, 
 Home with him he brought it. 
 
 Solution. 
 
 That is a thorn ; for a man went to the wood and caught 
 a thorn in his foot, and then he sate him down, and sought to 
 have pull'd it out, and because he could not find it out he 
 must needs bring it home. 
 
 [26.] A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom, 
 that had an only Child, which was a Daughter and worth 
 ^£'20,000. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth 
 though of no great Fortune ; yet had so far insinuated himself 
 into the young Lady's Favour, that she promis'd him Marriage, 
 if he could get her Father's Consent. Immediately he comes 
 for London, and goes to her Father, and told him, That he 
 would give him ;^ 10 for a Fee if he could assist him in a 
 business which did much concern him : which was. That there 
 was a rich young Heiress in town, which had promised him 
 marriage if it could any way be made good by Law : Why, 
 says he, let her hire a Horse, and invite you to take her 
 away, and let her get up before, and you behind that it may 
 not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you, 
 and let her go to the Minister, and tell him, 'tis her desire to 
 be married to you, and to get a Licence accordingly; and 
 when you are married, then be sure to bed her, and I'll 
 warrant you she's your own. And this, says the Gentleman, 
 you'll avouch for Law ? He told him, Yes. AVell Sir, says 
 he, if you will set your Hand to it, I'll give you Ten Pounds 
 more ; which he did. Immediately he goes into the Country, 
 and shews the young Lady what was done, and how 'twas 
 done; and she accordingly performed her promise, and 
 suddenly married and bedded; and having so continued a 
 week they both came to London, and came to her Father and 
 fell down upon their knees to him, and craved his Blessing • 
 which made him at first fly into harsh Language ; but the 
 Gentleman said. We have done nothing but what you avoucht 
 for Law, and have it under your hand. The Lawyer fearing 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 93 
 
 his Reputation might be brought in question, and seeing him 
 to be a handsome and well bred Gentleman, and of a good 
 family, clape both their hands together, and bid God bless 
 them ; and then gave them a subsistence for the present, and 
 made over all to them after his death. 
 
 [12.] Three had a contest 
 
 Which grain was the best j 
 
 The first said Wheat had the Quorum 
 
 The second stood for Rye 
 
 But the third did reply 
 
 Hordea est farra forum?- 
 
 On one in debt. 
 
 [14.] Don FedrJs out of debt ; be bold to say it ; 
 For they are said to owe that mean to pay it. 
 
 [4.] A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, 
 received a small scratch with a Sword in a Tavern Fray ; at 
 which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a 
 Chyrurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, 
 and the Gentleman in a great fear : for sport's sake pretended 
 great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to 
 fetch him such a Plaister ; W7iy Sir, quoth the Gentleman, is 
 the wound so dangerous f O Yes, replyed the Arch Chyrurgeon, 
 for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self, before he 
 comes. 
 
 Scylla toothlesse. 
 
 [24.] Scylla is toothlesse ; yet when she was young, 
 
 She had both tooth enough, and too much tongue : 
 What should I now of toothlesse Scylla say ? 
 But that her tongue hath worne her teeth away. 
 
 The extravagances of male attire in Charles the First's time 
 justly called down the wrath of the Satirists, particularly of the 
 ^ Far afore 'em. 
 
94 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Puritan School. The Cavaliers, however, were only effeminate 
 in their dress, their gallant conduct in the Civil war proving 
 them to be men of mettle. The subjoined is so faithful m its 
 representation of the then height of fashion as to be almost 
 removed from caricature, still the letterpress evidently intends 
 it to be a satire as bitter as could be made by the Round- 
 head who penned it, who naturally believed in " the Unloveli- 
 nesse of Love Lockes." 
 
 The 
 
 (picture of (x\K ^\K%1\^% (gn^icE, 
 
 with a List of his ridiculous Habits 
 and apish Gestures, 
 
 Maids, where are your hearts become ? look you what here is! 
 
 [33.] I His hat in fashion like a close-stoolepan. 
 
 2 Set on the top of his noddle like a coxcombe. 
 
 3 Banded with a calves tail, and a bunch of riband. 
 
 4 A feather in his hat, hanging down like a Fox taile. 
 
 5 Long haire, with ribands tied in it. 
 
 6. His face spotted. 
 
 7. His beard on the upper lip, compassing his mouth. 
 
 8. His chin thrust out, singing as he goes. 
 
 9. His band lapping over before. 
 
 I o. Great band strings, with a ring tied. 
 
 11. A long wasted dubblet unbuttoned half way. 
 
 12. Little skirts. 
 
 13. His sleeves unbuttoned. 
 
 14. In one hand a stick, playing with it, in the other his 
 
 cloke hanging. 
 
 1 5. His breeches unhooked ready to drop off. 
 
 16. His shirt hanging out. 
 
 1 7. His codpeece open tied at the top with a great bunch 
 
 of riband. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 95 
 
 1 8. His belt about his hips. 
 
 19. His sword swapping betweene his legs like a Monkeys 
 
 taile. 
 
 20. Many dozen points at knees. 
 
 3 1. Above the points of either side two bunches of riband 
 of several! colours. 
 
96 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 2 2. Boot hose tops, tied about the middle of the Calfe, as 
 long as a paire of shirt sleeves, double at the ends 
 like a ruffe band. 
 
 23. The Tops of his boots very large turned down as low 
 
 as his spurs. 
 
 24. A great paire of spurres, gingling like a Morrice 
 
 dancer. 
 
 25. The feet of his boots 2 inches too long. 
 
 26. Two horns at each end of his foot, stradling as he 
 
 goes. 
 
 Nov. 18, 1646. 
 
 [12.] One desir'd, being dead, 
 
 To have Hysop round his head, 
 
 But Time is better I think ; 
 For you'l find it a crime. 
 If not buryed in time. 
 
 For certain your Corps will stink. 
 
 [32.] What work is that the faster ye work, longer is it 
 ere ye have done, and the slower ye work the sooner ye make 
 an end ? 
 
 Solution. That is turning of a Spit ; for if ye turn fast, it 
 will be long ere the meat be roasted, but if ye turn slowly, the 
 sooner it is roasted. 
 
 A new married Bride. 
 
 [5.] The first of all our sex, came from the side of man, 
 I thither am return'd from whence I came. 
 
 Of finding a hare. 
 
 [6.] A Gallant full of life, and void of care. 
 Asked his friend if he would find a hare ? 
 He that for sleepe, more than such sports did care 
 Said, Goe your waies, and leave me heere alone ■ 
 Let them find hares that lost them, I lost none. ' 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 97 
 
 The next illustration is from a single sheet broadside 
 entitled "Englands Wolfe with eagles clawes, or the cruell 
 
 Impieties of Bloud-Thirsty Royalists, and blasphemous Anti- 
 Parliamentarians, under the command of that inhumane Prince 
 Rupert, Digby, and the rest. Wherein the barbarous Crueltie 
 
98 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 of our Civill uncivill Warres is briefly discovered. London : 
 Printed by Matthew Simmons dwelling in Aldersgate Streete. 
 1646." 
 
 This broadside scarcely comes within the scope of this 
 work, dealing as it does with the alleged cruelties committed 
 by the Cavaliers; but the engraving clearly is a political 
 satire, not only on the Cavaliers themselves, but on their extra- 
 vagances in dress. 
 
 [18.] If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to 
 their Owners ? this is the Reason one gives for it : Because 
 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them. 
 
 [8.] There was a Painter became a Physician, whereupon 
 one said to him, You have done well, for before the faults of 
 your work were seen, but now they are unseen. 
 
 [12.] A Lawyer said in jest 
 A Taylor is the best 
 Client in all the Land : 
 And his reason is good, 
 If well understood, 
 'Cause he has so many Suits in hand. 
 
 In Richardum qtiendavi, Divitem, Avariim. 
 
 [24.] Devising on a time what name 1 might 
 Best give unto a dry illiberall chuffe, 
 I After long search on his owne name I light, 
 Nay then (said I) No more, I have enough'; 
 His name and nature do full well agree 
 For's name is Rich and hard; and so is he. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 99 
 
 The Dumb MAID/ 
 
 or, the 
 
 Young Gallant Trappan'd. 
 
 A young Man did tmto her a Woo- 
 ing come, 
 
 But she pretended much that she 
 was dumb ; 
 
 But when they both in Marriage 
 bands were ty'd. 
 
 The Doctor's skill was likewise with 
 
 her try'd ; 
 The Doctor he set her Tongue on the 
 
 Run, 
 She Chatters now and never will 
 
 have done. 
 
 To a New Tune, call'd, Dum, dum, dum ; Or. I would I were in my 
 own Country &c. 
 
 Licens'd and Enter'd according to Order. 
 
 [35.] All you that pass along. 
 Give ear unto my song, 
 Concerning a youth 
 
 that was young, young, young ; 
 And of a Maiden fair 
 Few with her might compare 
 But alack, and alas, she 
 
 was dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 She was beautious, fresh and gay 
 Like the pleasant Flowers in May, 
 And her cheeks was as round, 
 
 as a plum, plum, plum ; 
 She was neat in every part. 
 And she stole away his heart. 
 But alack, and alas, she 
 
 was dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 At length this Country Blade, 
 Wedded this prety Maid, 
 And he kindly conducted 
 hei home, home, home ; 
 ' For tune, see Appendix. 
 
lOo Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thus in her Beauty bright, 
 Lay all his whole Delight 
 But alack, and alas, she 
 was dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 Now will I plainly show 
 
 What work this Maid could do. 
 
 Which a Pattern may be, 
 
 For girls young, young, young : 
 
 O she both day and night 
 In working took delight. 
 But alack, and alas, she 
 was dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 She could brew, and she could bake 
 She could wash, wring and shake 
 She could sweep the house 
 with a broom, broom, broom : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. loi 
 
 She could knit and sow and spin, 
 And do any such hke thing 
 But alack, and alas, she 
 was dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 But at last this man did go, 
 The Doctor's skill to know, 
 Saying, Sir, can you cure 
 
 a Woman of the Dumb ? 
 O it is the easiest part, 
 That belongs unto my Art, 
 For to cure a Woman 
 
 of the Dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 
 To the Doctor he did her bring, 
 And he cut her Chattering-string, 
 And he set her Tongue on 
 
 the run, run, run : 
 In the morning he did rise, 
 And she fill'd his house with cries, 
 And she rattled in his ears 
 
 like a drum, drum, drum. 
 
 To the Doctor he did go. 
 
 With his heart well fill'd with woe. 
 
 Crying, Doctor, I am 
 
 undone, done, done; 
 Now she's turn'd a scolding Wife 
 And I'm weary of my life, 
 Nor I cannot make her hold 
 
 her tongue, tongue, tongue. 
 
 The Doctor thus did say. 
 When she went from me away. 
 She was perfectly cured of 
 
 the dumb, dumb, dumb. 
 But it's beyond the Art of Man, 
 Let him do the best he can, 
 For to make a scolding Woman 
 
 hold her tongue, tongue, tongue. 
 
I02 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 So as you to me came 
 Return you back again 
 And take you the Oyl 
 
 of Hazel ^ strong 
 With it anoint her Body round, 
 When she makes the House to sound, 
 So perhaps you may charm her, 
 
 tongue, tongue, tongue. 
 
 [26.] A Schoolmaster did always dictate to his Scholars. 
 H non est Liter a, that is H is no letter ; and on a time he 
 call'd one of the Scholars to him, and bid him heat the Cawdle, 
 and when he askt for it, the Scholar told him, that he had 
 done with the Cawdle as he did him. Whafs that? says his 
 Master, Why Sir, says he, / did eat it. Sirrah, says he, / 
 bid you heat it with an H. Yes Sir, says he. But I did eat it 
 with Bread. 
 
 [32.] What is that that hath his belly full of man's meat 
 and his mouth full of dirt ? Solution. It is an Oven when 
 it is full of bread, or pies, for that is man's meat, and the 
 Ovens mouth is then closed with dirt. 
 
 [i2.] What's an Ace, says one, 
 Dewce take me, says John, 
 The Tray will be up in a trice 
 You cater waule now. 
 And your wit sinks low, 
 Why friends, the jest is concise. 
 
 [24.] Death and an honest Cobler fell at bate 
 
 And finding him worne out, would needs translate • 
 He was a trusty so'le, and time had bin ' 
 
 He would, well liquord, go through thick and thin 
 Death put a trick upon him, and what was't? 
 The Cobler call'd for All, death brought his last; 
 ^ A hazel switch. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 103 
 
 'Twas not uprightly done to cut his thread, 
 That mended more and more till he was dead ; 
 But since hee's gone, tis all that can be said, 
 Honest Cut-Cobler here is underlayed. 
 
 In political satire it was not to be expected that so 
 prominent a person as Prince Rupert, the son of James I.'s 
 own sister, could come off scathless ; but it is somewhat 
 singular, and it shows the bitterness of the parties, that even 
 his pets, his poodle dog, and his monkey, should provoke the 
 
 satiric ire of the Roundhead writers. Both are historical, 
 and, thanks to Thomason, whose wonderful collection, known 
 as the " Kings Pamphlets," exists in the British Museum, the 
 materials of their history are easily accessible to the student. 
 The Prince's dog " Boy " was a white poodle, and it is some- 
 what curious to note that poodles, over 200 years since, were 
 shaved so as to conserve the lionlike mane, although the 
 dandyisms of tufts on the legs and tail seem to have been 
 reserved for a later era. 
 
 His master must have had a special and peculiar affection 
 for " Boy," as he, and a tame hare, " which used to follow 
 him about & do his bidding with facility," were his solace 
 
I04 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 when imprisoned at Lintz in 1641. According to a writer,^ 
 whose "Prince Ruperts diary " everybody would like to see, 
 it was a "beautiful white dogge," was given him by Lord 
 Arundell, and was " of a breede so famous that the Grand 
 Turk gave it in particular injunction to his ambassador to 
 obtaine him a puppie thereof." His nationality is given in a 
 tract [36] as being either of German or Finland breed, and he 
 must soon have become notorious, as Prince Rupert did not 
 come over to England after his release from prison until Feb- 
 ruary 1642; and we find from the accompanying engraving 
 [36] that early the following year he was politically made use 
 of for party purposes. 
 
 In this dialogue, which is too lengthy for reproduction 
 here, it will be seen that he was already accredited with super- 
 natural qualities. 
 
 " Tobies Dog. ... I heare you are Prince Ruperts white 
 Boy. 
 
 P. Rup. dog. I am none of his White Boy, my name is Puddle. 
 
 Tob. dog. A dirty name indeed, you are not pure enough for 
 my company, besides I hear on both sides of my eares 
 that you are a Laplander, or Fin land Dog, or truly no 
 better than a Witch in the shape of a white Dogge. 
 
 Tob. Dog. You are of Brackley breed, better to hang than 
 to keep. 
 
 Pr. Rob. Dog. No, Sirrah, I am of high Germain breed ; 
 
 Tob. Dog. Thou art a Reprobate, and a lying Curre ; you 
 were either whelpt in Lapland, or else in Fin land ; where 
 there is none but divells and Sorcerers live." 
 
 This supernatural idea seems to have had its rise in Boy's 
 accompanying his master always, even on the battlefield, 
 enjoying a marvellous immunity from harm. There is a very 
 similar engraving to the accompanying, in a chap-book of 
 " The History of the Blind Begger of Bednal Green " [38] 
 where it does duty for "Young Monford Riding to the Wars^ 
 
 1 Memoirs of Prince Rupert and the Cavaliers, by Eliot Warburton. 
 JLond. 1 049. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 105 
 
 where he unhapily lost his Eye sight." ^ And I have no doubt 
 but that in this present work the engraving to "The Poets 
 Dream" is an old woodcut of Prince Rupert and his dog 
 Boy. 
 
 [37-] 
 
 D<tueTi 
 
 itj 
 
 
 6. 
 
 - 
 "Ira 
 
 Km- -A 
 
 BrimiMnflin 
 
 
 "°°^9V^^ 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 % 
 
 
 ^^ki^B 
 
 ^^ 
 
 
 p 
 
 w 
 
 
 ^^^^^ffl^L. 
 
 P% 
 
 
 \ 
 
 r 
 
 
 B^.\.VVJiA>'.^^^^ ^^ftfift^ 
 
 ^ 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 X 
 
 
 ^\\^^^^ 
 
 =^1.^ ■* 
 
 In another tract of the time [39] are plentiful allusions to 
 his being a witch. " Grumbling Sir, or counterfeit Lapland 
 Lady, I admire thy impudence in calling thyself a Lady : Art 
 thou a Lady and hast so much haire ? . . . Thou wouldst 
 be a rough bed fellow for the Divell himself; if thou art not 
 a Divell thyself, thou hast conditions sutable to thy shape, for 
 thou doest snarle and bite at the Parliament, and hast learnt 
 that quality from other Popish Dogs ; good thou canst do 
 
 ^ This is reproduced on p. 360 of " Chap Books of the 18th Century,'' 
 by John Ashton. Lond. 1882. 
 
io6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 none to the Prince, for that is contrary to the nature of a 
 Witch, which in some respects thou unjustly doest assume, but 
 in other conditions most fitly, for a Witch will dine or suppe 
 with a roasted crab squittering in the fire, or with a few boild 
 Onions and a draught of Buttermilke which one of her neigh- 
 bours gave her for fear more than for love, but thou doest 
 fare most deliciously of the rumps and wings of Capons, and 
 Kidneys, and art indeed better fed than taught. Besides a 
 Witch will lie upon an old straw bed with her house Cat which 
 seems instead of her bed fellow. But the Kings chair of state 
 and all the embroydered velvet stools are thy day couches, 
 where thou lyest and sleepest with thy malignant eyes half 
 open, and canst winke at small and great faults as thou doest 
 for occasion. But then thou art a Witch again in some con- 
 ditions, for they are overgrown with ugly gray hair which hangs 
 down about their shoulders, and so art thou, Boy. Witches 
 are ready to doe mischief, but can do no good, and such are 
 thy malignant qualities. Boy ; Pardon me, for though our 
 gracious King loves thee, it is not as thou art a Witch but as 
 thou art Prince Robert's dog." And this attack on poor Boy 
 winds up with calling him " a very cowardly malignant cur," 
 though he look like a lion. 
 
 Another tract [40] talks of "her cousen Prince Ruperts 
 with her white Tog, which as her Moderns hold is a Prince 
 disguis'd." And Cleveland [41] in his ode "to Prince Rupert " 
 sings to poor Bofs disadvantage, and holds him up as a bug- 
 bear. 
 
 " They fear the Giblets of his Train, they fear 
 Even his Dog, that four legg-d Cavalier : 
 He that devours the Scraps which Lunsford makes. 
 Whose Picture feeds upon a Child in Stakes. 
 Who name but Charles he comes aloft for him, 
 But holds up his Malignant Leg at Pym. 
 'Gainst whom they've several Articles in Souse ; 
 First that he barks against the Sense o' th' House. 
 Resolv'd Delinquent, to the Tower straight ; 
 Either to th' Lyons, or the Bishops Grate. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 107 
 
 Next, for his Ceremonious Wag o' th' Tail ; 
 But there the Sisterhood will be his Bail, 
 At least the Countess will. Lust's Amsterdam, 
 That lets in all Religions of the Game. 
 Thirdly, he smells Intelligence, that's better, 
 And cheaper too, than Pym from his own Letter : 
 Who's doubly pay'd (Fortune or we the blinder ?) 
 For making Plots, and then for Fox the Finder. 
 Lastly he is a Devil without doubt ; 
 For when he would He down, he wheels about ; 
 Makes Circles and is Couchant in a Ring, 
 And therefore score up one for Conjuring." 
 
 In a contemporary tract [36] Boy is accredited with being 
 invulnerable, and he had escaped the chances of war in a 
 remarkable manner. It would be a pity to curtail the extract, 
 as it shows well the political amenities of that age. " The 
 Challenge which Prince Griffins Dogge called Towzer hath 
 sent to Prince Ruperfs Dog whose name is Puddle, daring him 
 to meet him at the Parish Garden this present Lent to try a 
 combate before the Worship full the Beares, who are appointed 
 
 to be their Judges in that Case. Thou worme of Wicked- 
 
 nesse, fritter of Folly, spawne of doggednesse, and piece of 
 mungrele stuffe ; in regard of thy base grumbling words and 
 bawling against thy betters. Besides that, is honest Pepper. 
 Tobies Dogge your match, no he is too milde for thee ; thou 
 should have given notice of your Treaty and discourse to me 
 who am thy equall, thou shouldst have found enough of me, 
 for I will have thee know, that I eate as good Rumps and 
 Kidneyes as ever thou, base Cur, dost ; when I have you at 
 the place appointed I will so rump you, and so frump you, that 
 I will leave you never a rumpe nor yet a kidney, no, not with 
 a heart as big as a hen or chickins : I doe now with open 
 mouth defie thee and all thy proceedings, and doe challenge 
 thee to meet me at the place before mentioned, there will I fight, 
 tug and teare thee in a single combate, where I mean to rend 
 thee in pieces, and be revenged on thee, base cur. And'^ 
 although I hear thou art impenitrable and likewise besmeared 
 ' These italics are mine. 
 
io8 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 over with inchaunted oyle, so that no weapon, bullet nor sword- 
 can enter thee to make thee bleed ; yet I have teeth which I have 
 newly whetted shall so fasten and teare your German or Fin- 
 land hide limb meale, and then flea thy skin and hang it on 
 the hedg, and give thy pomperd flesh to those Judges which 
 we are to fight before, (namely the Worshipfull the Bears), to 
 satisfie their hungry mawes this Lent ; let me hear your dogged 
 answer, or else I will proclaim thee Coward in print, and set 
 thy name upon every whipping post &c. . . . Expect no 
 favour from mee, nor will I from you ; I will end the difference 
 
 I will have no Outlandish cur domineer in our Land. So saith 
 your Surleyfoe Towzer, and servant to Prince Grifiin." 
 
 Long after poor Boy's death he was associated with Prince 
 Rupert, for instance [42] — 
 
 " See how the Sectists bustle now. 
 The Independents sturre. 
 London is tam'd say they ; as once 
 Prince Rupert with his curre." 
 
 Boy at all events proved mortal, for he met with his death 
 after escaping in many battlefields, at Marston Moor, on 2d 
 July 1644; and great rejoicings were made by the Puritan 
 faction over his death. One of the " King's Pamphlets " is 
 entirely devoted to him [43], and from this the accompanying 
 engraving is taken. Here poor Boy, who is environed by a 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 109 
 
 hail of bullets, is represented as being " killed by a Valliant 
 Souldier, who had skill in Necromancy." And to keep up the 
 idea of his supernatural birth a witch is standing by, lamenting. 
 The "Elegie" commences with "P. Ruperts Sorrow." 
 
 " Lament poor Cavaliers, cry, howl, and yelp. 
 For the great losse of your Malignant Whelp. 
 Hee's dead ! Hee's dead : No more, alas, can he 
 Protect you Dammes, or get Victorie. 
 How sad that Son of Blood did look to hear 
 One tell the death of this shagg'd Cavalier, 
 Hee rav'd, he tore his Perriwigg, and swore. 
 Against the Round heads that hee'd ne're fight more." 
 
 It goes on with a fabulous supernatural pedigree of Boy. 
 
 " 'Twas like a Dog, yet there was none did know 
 Whether it Devill was, or Dog, or no." 
 
 And after a long political diatribe it winds up thus — 
 
 " To tell you all the pranks this Dogge hath wrought. 
 That lov'd his Master, and him Bullets brought. 
 Would but make laughter, in these times of woe, 
 Or how this Curr came by his fatall blow, 
 Look on the Title Page, and there behold. 
 The Emblem will all this to you unfold. 
 
 Morrall. 
 
 The World's the Witch, the Dogge is the Devill, 
 And men th' Actors, that have wrought this evill." 
 
 So famous was Boy, that the different newspapers gave his 
 death as a special piece of intelligence [44] — " I may not omit 
 to tell you that Prince Rupert lost his Bever, and his horse, 
 and also his Dog was slain, and lay dead neere the Beanfield, 
 where divers affirme the Prince hid himselfe, after a little 
 service, till it was dark, and then he got to Yorke." Again 
 [45] — " As for newes from the North, I heare it further con- 
 firmed, that the rumour which was here about Towne con- 
 cerning P' Ruperts hiding himselfe in a Beane field, and for 
 
I lO 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 which act hee is almost quite out of the Malignants bookes, 
 is acknowledged to be most certaine, Nay, and I myselfe have 
 heard it confessed from the mouths of some notorious Malig- 
 nants : It had beene brave, with a blood hound there to have 
 found him out, the plunderings, cruelties, Massacrings, rapes, 
 and bloodshed, which lie upon his conscience, and which 
 he cannot but beare about continually, must needs have 
 yelded a strong scent to betray him unto revenge. But 
 though his Necromantick Dogge, his Mephisiophiles, was slaine, 
 yet he seemes he made a shift to get secure into Yorke, and 
 
 there to sweare the Townesmen into an opinion of his 
 Victory" And in another newspaper [48] he is mentioned 
 thus— "Amongst the dead Men and Horses which lay on the 
 ground, wee found Prince Ruperts Dog killed. (This is onely 
 mentioned by the way; because the Prince his Dog, hath been 
 much spoken of and was more prized by his Master than 
 Creatures of much more worth.) " 
 
 A contemporary tract [46] (which is a dry political discus- 
 sion, and has nothing whatever to do with the title-page) fur 
 nishes the accompanying engraving, which is exceedingly 
 graphic Here we again see poor Boy, exactly as described 
 lying "dead neere the Beanfield," which is represented with 
 preraphaehte fidelity. It is also hinted at in die en^aSg 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 Ill 
 
 which shows him being shot " by a Valliant Soulder, who had 
 skill in Necromancy," but in this one is introduced the head 
 of Prince Rupert, who is supposed to be there hiding. 
 
 His baggage fell into the hands of the victorious Parlia- 
 mentarians, and the satirist cannot help having a fling at the 
 Prince's Romish proclivities, as the contents of his sumpter 
 horses' baggage shows bulls, crucifixes, images, a bell, etc. 
 On this subject there is another satire [47] — " The Catholikes 
 Petition to Prince Rupert," from which the accompanying 
 engraving is taken. 
 
 But the Prince had another pet, a she monkey, and the 
 satirist must needs make that inoffensive animal a mark at 
 which to spit his spite, although nothing like the supernatural 
 powers of Boy were attributed to her. There are two portraits 
 extant of her, but I have only reproduced one, the dresses in 
 both cases being precisely similar, and may probably represent 
 her real costume [49]. In this tract she is described as — " I 
 never saw such a strange fashioned creature in my life ; for she 
 hath a kind of Round-head as smooth as an apple, and if there 
 be any Round-head this Munkey is one, her brow is low and 
 wrinkled hanging over her little eyes ; her nose thats flatt is 
 very short, her cheekes are leane and lanke, and her thin lipps 
 do hardly cover her teeth, the complection of her whole face 
 is swarthy, cover'd with hayre greene as mosse, and lastly she 
 
1 12 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 that is Prince Ruperfs dog 
 
 hides her head in a 
 black bagg, moreover 
 she weares a greene or 
 yellow gowne trimmed 
 about with lace, & 
 a girdle about her 
 middle by the which 
 she is fastned to the 
 nave of a wheele, for 
 the Prince is full of 
 feares and Jelousies 
 that if she were loose 
 she would steale away 
 into some wood and 
 live there upon nutts 
 and apples. . . . Thus 
 P. Ruperts Monkey is 
 a. kind of old, little, 
 wrinkled, old faced, 
 petulant, wanton, and 
 malignant gentlewoman 
 . . . that sometimes 
 rides upon the beast 
 
 Prince Ruperfs Monkey is a toy. 
 That doth exceed his dog called Boy, 
 Which through dogged folly, 
 Both Barkes and Bites, 
 But this delights 
 The Prince when's melancholy. 
 
 He puts sweetemeats and sugar plumbs 
 Into his Monkey's toothlesse gums. 
 Which open like an oyster, 
 For he doth esteeme 
 A wench I meane. 
 More than a Nun in a Cloister.'' 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 113 
 
 The colour of her dress is also described in a tract, before 
 quoted from [39] — "And Prince ^(7^e^Z'j' Monkey dare not come 
 thither, lest the Parliaments Bitch should tear her green coat 
 off from her back." 
 
 Her food is described in another tract [50] — " She would 
 eat no oatmeal, nor lome of walls to cure her infirmitie, but 
 the longest whitest sugar plums she could put into her mouth, 
 were most delightfuU to her taste, and had such a ravenous 
 appetite to fruit that she would swallow all but the stones, and 
 having gotten a delectable bit in her .mouth, she would onely 
 suck the juice out of it and then spit out the rest. . . . More- 
 over this Monkey was and is by nature a notable plunderer 
 not onely of studdies and closets, into which, if she got, she 
 would teare the books, spill the ink, and eat the sweetmeats." 
 
 This is about all I dare reproduce about this pet of Prince 
 Rupert's, the remainder* of these tracts being iilled with politi- 
 cal allusions, which are somewhat hard to be understood now, 
 and of no interest to this book, the remainder being written 
 somewhat more coarsely than usual. But enough has been 
 said about them to show how the satirists of that age seized 
 upon any thing which they could turn to their purpose. 
 
 [51.] A Citizen for Recreations Sake 
 
 To see the Countrie would a journie make, 
 
 Some dozen mile, or little more. 
 
 Taking his leave of friends two months before ; 
 
 With drinking healths, and shaking by the hand. 
 
 As he had travail'd to some new-found land. 
 
 Well, taking horse, with very much a doe, 
 
 London he leaveth for a day or two : 
 
 And as he rideth meets upon the way 
 
 Such (as what haste soever) bid men stay ; 
 
 Sirrah (sayes one) stand, and your purse deliver ; 
 
 I am a taker, you must be a giver. 
 
 Unto a wood hard by' they hale him in, 
 
 And rifle him unto the very skin. 
 
 Masters (quoth he) pray heare me ere you goe. 
 
 For you have robbed more than you doe know ! 
 
114 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 My horse (in troth) I borrowed of my Brother, 
 
 The Bridle and the Saddle of another : 
 
 The Jerkin and the Bases ^ be a Taylers, 
 
 The Scarfe, I doe assure you, is a Saylers : 
 
 The Falling-band is likewise none of mine. 
 
 Nor Cuffes, as true as this good light doth shine : 
 
 The Sattin Doublet and the Velvet Hose, 
 
 Are our Church-wardens, all the parish knowes. 
 
 The Bootes are John the Grocers of the Swan, 
 
 The Spurs were .lent me by a Serving-man : 
 
 One of my Rings, (that with the great red Stone) 
 
 Insooth I borrowed of my gossip y^a««. 
 
 Her husband knowes not of it gentlemen. 
 
 Thus stands my case, I pray shew favour then. 
 
 Why (quoth the theeves) thou needst not greatly care, 
 
 Since in thy losse so many beare a share : 
 
 The world growes hard, many good fellows lack 
 
 Look not at this time for a penny back. 
 
 Goe tell at London, thou didst meet with four. 
 
 That rifling thee hath rob'd at least a score. 
 
 Tlie Connicatcker'^ and Priest of Paris. 
 
 [52.] A lewd knave, a Cheater, espied a wealthy Priest, whose 
 purse was full of money, lately arrived in the City of Paris 
 out of the Countrey to buy necessaries, and with a bold face 
 saluted him, requested his aid in a small matter concerning 
 a man of his own calling. What's that, (quoth the Priest ?) 
 It is. Sir, (quoth he) this. The Parson of our Towne hath 
 given mee money to buy a Surplesse, and I, having small 
 knowledge in it, would request your ayde in the Choyce of 
 a good one, making no question of your good skill. With 
 all my heart (quoth the Priest.) 
 
 Comming to the shop of sale, the Connicatcher called for 
 some choyce Surplesses, and desired the Priest to choose out 
 one of the best. Which done, intreated him to assay it, 
 
 1 The exact meaning of these garments seems to be in doubt. They 
 were probably some kind of skirt. 2 A sharper. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 115 
 
 whether it were in all points as it ought to be. The Priest 
 was nimble at his game, for it was his dayly exercise, but the 
 Cheater found fault with the making, bearing out such an 
 uncomly bulke at his right side. Oh (quoth the Priest) my 
 girdle and pouch is cause of that, and immediately loosed his 
 girdle and pouch, willing the Connicatcher to hold it till he 
 had better girded up the Surplesse as it ought to be. The 
 Connicatcher having as much as he desired suddenly leapt 
 out of the shop and ranne away as fast .as he could with the 
 Priests girdle and pouch full of money. The Priest turning 
 about, and seeing his purse and money flying for religion {sic) 
 made all the haste he could in the Surplesse after the Conni- 
 catcher, crying and calling Hold the Theefe, Hold the Theefe, 
 The Connicatcher cried out. Hold the Priest, for he is mad, 
 and will kill me : the shopkeeper followed as fast as he could 
 and cried, Stop the Priest, for he hath stolne my Surplesse. 
 The people halfe amazed at this accident, laid hold on the 
 Priest, but before he could declare his misfortune, the Conni- 
 catcher was gone far enough, not to be caught again in haste. 
 Which caused much good laughter, and the Priest payed for 
 the Surplesse. 
 
 [12.] One askt a simpleton, 
 
 Pray what Countryman 
 Are you ? says he, from the West ; 
 By my troth says Hugh, 
 I do think so too, 
 All the wise Men come from the East. 
 
 On Bond the Usurer. 
 
 [24.] Here lyes a Bond under this tombe, 
 
 Seald and deliver'd to, god knows whom. 
 
 [17.] One that had sore eyes, was jeer'd by another that 
 was clear ey'd ; who told him they were not so sore, but that 
 he could see a knave : It may be so, says he, but you must 
 look in a Glass then. 
 
1 1 6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [i8.] A Citizen telling a Courtier that he had just then 
 eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, 
 and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep 
 that was in Debt ; For my part, answered the Courtier, / should 
 rather wonder how my Creditors can sleep, well knowing that T 
 shall never pay them. 
 
 [4.] A certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman, 
 jearingly, What was honesty ? she answered, What's that to 
 you ? Meddle with those things that concern you. 
 
 THE PO^TS DREAM 1 
 
 OR, 
 
 The Great Out-cry and Lamentable Complaint 
 
 of the Land against 
 
 BAYLIFFS and their DOGS. 
 
 Wherein is Expressed tlieir Villanous Out-rages to poor 
 
 Men ; With a true Description of their 
 
 Knavery and their Debauch' d Actions ; Prescribed 
 
 and Presented to tlte view of all People. 
 
 To the Tune of Sawny &c. 
 
 [53.] As I lay Slumbring in a Dream, 
 
 methought the world most strangely went • 
 The Bayliffs on High Seats was seen, 
 
 which caus'd the Poor's great discontent. 
 They pluckt true Justice from the Throne, 
 
 erecting Laws made of their own, 
 And burthen'd the Poor till they made them groan, 
 A7id that's the cause that the Land Complains. 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 Their Meeting house was an Ale-wives Bench, 
 
 fix'd in a Street that is termed Old ; 
 Their Speaker was a Play-house- Wench 
 
 both and Thief, and a Devilish Scold. 
 
 Shee'd guzzel Brandy, Wine or Ale, 
 
 and then she'd at her Neighbours Rail, 
 And send for the Bayliffs to have them to Jayl, 
 
 And that's the cause dr'c. 
 
 117 
 
 Methoughts a mighty hunting-match, 
 
 was made by Bayliffs and their Currs : 
 Poor men was the Deer they strove to catch, 
 
 the Houses plac'd in the Room of Furrs ; ^ 
 The Suburbs-Round, it was their Park, 
 
 the Bayliffs yell, the Dogs did Bark, 
 The Poor kept as close as Noah in the Ark, 
 
 And that's the Cause &'C. 
 
 Then Shephard and his Dog wheel'd up to th' right, 
 and thunder'd by a Cursed Lane, 
 
 ^ Fir-trees. 
 
ii8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And there the Villains wrought their Spight, 
 for by them, once, was a poor Man slain. 
 
 They Swear, before they'l ever lack, 
 they'l go to Hell, a Pick-a Pack, 
 
 And thus poor Debters they go to rack. 
 And that's the Cause &-<:. 
 
 There's Cursing Will and Damme Jack, 
 
 and Robbin Tanner's alive agen. 
 And Paunchgut Tom, (a Hellish Pack). 
 
 with perjur'd Dick, and bawdy Ben : 
 Which formerly on Earth did Dwell, 
 
 and now they are return'd from Hell, 
 And doth against our Laws Rebell. 
 
 And that's the Cause &'c. 
 
 When I awaked from my Dream, 
 
 methoughts the world turn'd upside down. 
 And in great haste, I Writ this Theam, 
 
 for the Bayliffs Doggs of our Town • 
 Who for their Pray each hour doe wait, 
 
 like Death at every poor Man's Gate, 
 And brings the Realm to a Dismal fate. 
 
 And that's the Cause 6^^. 
 
 When Poor men are out of Employ 
 
 and have not a Farthing in the World, 
 The while there Wives and Children cry, 
 
 there's many are in a Prison hurl'd : 
 Men are enticed by the Bumms, 
 
 who swear they ne'r will pay their Summs, 
 Thus Poor in Flocks to the Jaylor comes, 
 
 And that's the Cause &^c. 
 
 The Tallyman, Curmudgeon, keeps 
 
 a Baylif and his Dog to Bite, 
 If in their Books, men ever Creeps, 
 
 they quickly swear they'l have their Right ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 119 
 
 So soon as e're they do Back-slide, 
 
 the Torturing Jale they must abide 
 Then Toby and Dog's employ'd j 
 
 And that's the Cause &'c. 
 
 When Rogues are at the Old Bayly Burn'd, 
 
 and that their Pilfering Trades do fail ; 
 From Thieves to Bayliif's Dogs have turn'd, 
 
 to plague and hurry the Poor to Jayl : 
 How like Kid-nappers all the Day, 
 
 in every Corner they Survey, 
 And quaff whole Bowls when they get their way. 
 
 And thafs the Cause &'c. 
 
 Ten Groat's the Fees, and a Crown the arrest 
 
 and three Round OOO's for a Writ beside, 
 Thus Laws are broken, and poor men opprest, 
 
 such Racking torments they must abide. 
 And while the Prisoner sends for Bail, 
 
 they Tope the Brandy, Beer and Ale, 
 And makes him pay, or they have him to Jail. 
 
 And that's the Cause &'c. 
 
 For Twenty Shillings, Ten or Five, 
 
 they'l put a man to a Cursed Charge ; 
 Or run him to Jayl they'l soon contrive, 
 
 where other Bills are exprest at Large : 
 The Jayl Fees many are bound to Rue, 
 
 the Garnish, Bed and Turnkey too. 
 Expects an unexpected Due, 
 
 And that's the Cause dfc. 
 
 Tis seldom a Bayliff or his Dog 
 
 is ever known for to go to Church ; 
 As soon as they here the Word of God 
 
 they leave the Parson in the lurch : 
 They swear they'l come to Church no more, 
 
 they la.y their sins to Adam's Score, 
 And jaunt to Moorfields to a , 
 
 And that's the Cause &=€. 
 
1 20 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thus I conclude and end my Song, 
 
 desiring that you wou'd be content ; 
 There's Christian Peers that may right our wrong. 
 
 when Heaven yields up a Parliament : 
 I hope true Reason will plead our Cause, 
 
 while they'r erecting wholesome Laws 
 They'l keep us from the Crocodils paws, 
 
 and cease the Poor of the Land's Complaints} 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball near the Bear 
 Tavern in Pye Corner. 
 
 The dumbe wife recovered her speech. 
 [52.] A certaine Farmer had taken to wife a dumb woman, 
 and hearing of a great Magician lately come into England, 
 he tooke horse and rode to him, and demanded if there were 
 no help for a woman that had lost her speech. The Magician 
 answered. Yes, it is an easie matter, and told him hee must 
 take an Aspen leafe, and lay it under her tongue, and it 
 would instantly help her. The Farmer was joy'd with this 
 tidings, and returned in haste homewards, suspecting in him- 
 selfe the vertue of his new receit, and therefore to make the 
 matter more sure, he tooke three Aspen leaves, and laid them 
 all three under his wifes tongue, who immediately began to 
 talk and prate very nimbly, and in the end, upon a very 
 small occasion to curse and raile downeright upon her hus- 
 band, as if shee had beene mad. The Farmer was now in a 
 peck of troubles, and posted in all hast to the Magician, 
 certifying him of this unhappy accident. The Magician 
 demanded if hee absolutely followed his counsell. The 
 Farmer answered No, for (quoth he) instead of one leaf I 
 have used three, hoping to make the matter surer. Marry 
 then, God help thee, (quoth the Magician) for it is an easie 
 matter to make a woman speak, but to make her hold her 
 tongue is past my cunning. Nay, all the devills in Hell could 
 never worke such a wonder. Whereat the Farmer much 
 grieved, departed. 
 
 1 l6th Dec. 1671. See the Kings Bench Prisoners Thanks to his 
 Majesty for their late Deliverance By his Majesties Most Gracious Act 
 ?^ s. sh. fol. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 121 
 
 [32.] What is that the more ye lay on, the faster it wasteth ? 
 Solution. That is a Whetstone, for the more ye whet the less 
 is the Whetstone. 
 
 [51.] A Money Monger choyce of Sureties had; 
 A Countrey fellow plaine in Russet clad ; 
 His doublet Mutton-taffety Sheep-skins, 
 His sleeves at hand button'd with two good pins ; 
 Upon his head a filthy greasie Hat, 
 That had a hole eate thorou it by a Rat, 
 A Leather Pouch that with a Snap-hance shut. 
 One hundred Hobnailes in his Shooes were put : 
 The stockings that his Clownish legs did fit. 
 Were Kersie to the calfe, and t'other knit ; 
 And at a word, th' apparell that he wore 
 Was not worth twelve pence, at Who gives morel 
 The other surety of another stuffe, 
 His neck inviron'd with a double Ruffe, 
 Made Lawne and Cambrick both such common ware. 
 His Doublet set had falling Band to spare ; 
 His fashion new, with last Edition stood, 
 His Rapier Hilts imbru'd in golden blood : 
 And these same trappings made him seeme one sound. 
 To passe his credit for an hundred pound, 
 So was accepted ; Russet coat deny'd. 
 But when time came the money should be pay'd. 
 And Monsieur Usurer did hunt him out. 
 Strange alteration struck his heart in doubt ; 
 For in the Counter ^ he was gone to dwell. 
 And Brokers had his painted cloaths to sell ; 
 The Usurer then further understands. 
 The Clowne (refus'd) was rich and had good lands ; 
 Ready (through rage) to hang himselfe, he swore 
 That Silken Knaves should cozen him no more. 
 
 [8.] A seaman coming before the Judges of the Admiralty 
 for admittance into office in a ship bound for the Indies, was 
 by one of the Judges much sleighted, as an insufficient person 
 ^ See footnote, ante. 
 
122 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 for that office which he sought for to acquire ; till the Judge 
 telling him that he believed that he could not say the points 
 of his Compass ; the Seaman answered, better than he could 
 say his Pater Noster : The Judge replyed, that he would wager 
 twenty shillings with him of that ; so the Seaman taking him 
 up, it came to trial, and the Seaman began and said all the 
 points of his Compass very exactly ; the Judge likewise said 
 his Pater Noster, and when he had finished it, he required 
 the wager according to the agreement, because the Seaman 
 was to say his Compass better than he his Pater Noster, which 
 he had not performed : nay hold, quoth the Sea man, the 
 wager is not finished, for I have but half done ; and so he 
 immediately said his Compass backward very exactly, which 
 the Judge failing of in his Pater Noster, the Seaman carried 
 away the prize. 
 
 [i2.] A Grave there was made 
 
 For one Aylet, he said 
 The Bell for him then did toul ; 
 
 But you lye like a Knave, 
 
 It is not a Grave, 
 But only an Aylet hole. 
 
 [17.] One having a very great Nose, and thin beard, was 
 told the shadow of his Nose did hinder his Beard's growth. 
 
 [26.] An Apothecary in Oxford, spoke to a Country man 
 by way of Jeer to bring him some live Rats, and he would 
 give him eighteen pence a piece for them; and a fortnight 
 after he brought them; and then the Apothecary told him, 
 That he was provided the day before. The Country Fellow 
 seeing he was abused, was resolved to be quit with him, 
 saying, /" am unwilling (seeing I have brought them) to carry 
 them back again ; and told him he would take three pence 
 out in Physick at some time or other; and so opened his 
 Bag, and let them about the Shop, which did so whisk up and 
 down the Shelves, that in a little space they broke him about 
 forty Pots and Glasses, and could never get rid of them since. 
 Probatum est. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 123 
 
 A Courtier and a Scholler meeting. 
 
 [5.] A Courtier proud walking along the Street, 
 Hap'ned by chance a Scholler for to meet, 
 The Courtier said, (minding nought more than place) 
 Unto the Scholler, meeting face to face, 
 To take the wall, base men He not permit, 
 The Scholler said, I will, and gave him it. 
 
 [4.] A Lady going to Mass to present her Tapers, fixed 
 one to St. Michael, and another to the Devil that was at his 
 Feet. The Clerk seeing her, told her she did not well to 
 offer a Candle to the Devil. No matter, says the Lady, 'tis 
 good to have Friends every where ; for we know not where we 
 shall go. 
 
 [8.] There was a gentleman fell very sick, and a friend of 
 his said to him. Surely you are in danger, I pray you send for 
 a Physician ; but the sick man answered, It is no matter, for 
 if I die I will die at leisure. 
 
 [51.] A wealthy Misers sonne, upon a day. 
 
 Met a poore Youth, that did intreat and pray 
 Something of Charitie in his distresse ; 
 Helpe Sir (quoth hee) one that is Fatherlesse, 
 Sirriah (sayd hee) away, begone with speed. 
 He helpe none such ; thou art a Knave indeed : 
 Dost thou complaine because thou wants a Father ? 
 Were it in my case I would rejoyce the rather ; 
 For if thy Father's death, cause thee repine, 
 I would my Father had excused thine. 
 
1 24 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The little Barly-Corne/ 
 
 Whose Properties and Vertues here. 
 Shall plainly to the world appeare. 
 And make you merry all the yeere. 
 
 To the tune of Stingo 
 
 [55.] Come, and doe not musing stand, 
 if thou the truth discerne. 
 But take a full cup in thy hand, 
 and thus begin to learne. 
 
 Not of the earth, nor of the ayre, 
 
 at evening or at morne, 
 But, joviale boyes, your Christmas keep 
 
 with the little Barly-Corne. 
 
 It is the cunningst Alchymist, 
 
 that ere was in the Land, 
 Twill change your Mettle when it list 
 
 in turning of a hand. 
 Your blushing Gold to Silver wan, 
 
 your Silver into Brasse, 
 Twill turn a Taylor to a man 
 
 and a man into an ass — 
 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 125 
 
 Twill make a poore man rich to hang 
 
 a signe before his doore, 
 And those that doe the Pitcher hang, 
 
 tho rich, twill make them poore ; 
 Twill make the silliest poorest Snake ^ 
 
 the King's great Porter ' scorne ; 
 Twill make the stoutest Lubber weak, 
 
 this little Barley Corne. 
 
 It hath more shifts than'Zawfe* ere had, 
 
 or Hocus Pocus too, 
 It will good fellowes shew more sport 
 
 " than Bankes * his horse could doe : 
 Twill play you faire above the boord, 
 
 unless you take good heed, 
 And fell you though you were a Lord, 
 
 and iustifie the deed. 
 
 It lends more yeeres unto old Age, 
 
 than ere was lent by Nature, 
 It makes the Poet's fancy rage, 
 
 more than Castalian water; 
 
 ^ ? Sneak. 
 
 ' William Evans, a Welshman in the service of Charles I. He was 
 7 ft. 6 in. high and at a masque at Whitehall drew Sir Jeffrey Hudson out 
 of his pocket. There used to be a bas-relief over Bull's Head Court in 
 Newgate Street, of " The King's Porter and Dwarf." 
 
 ' Dr. John Lambe was an impostor who early in the 17th century 
 practised fortune-telling, juggling, showing a magic crystal, and recovering 
 stolen goods. He was indicted at Worcester for witchcraft, after which 
 he removed to London, where he got into trouble, and he was finally 
 pelted to death by an infuriated mob on 13th June 1628. There is a 
 very rare pamphlet on this subject — "A brief description of the 
 notorious life of John Lambe, otherwise called Dr. Lambe, together 
 with his ignominious death, with a woo3-cut of the popiJace pelting him 
 to death in the City of London." 4° 1628. 
 
 ^ Banks was a Scotchman, and his performing horse had the rare 
 honour of being alluded to by Shakspeare ("Love's Labour's Lost" Act i. 
 s. 2). Moth says to Armado. " Why Sir, is this such a piece of study ? 
 Now here's three studied, ere you'll thrice wink ; and how easy it is to put 
 years to the word three, and study three years in two words, the dancing 
 horse will tell you.^'' The horse was certainly wonderfully trained, and 
 
126 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Twill make a Huntsman chase a Fox, 
 
 and never winde his Horn, 
 Twill cheere a Tinker in the stockes, 
 
 this little Barly-Corne. 
 
 It is the only Will o' th' wispe 
 
 which leades men from the way, 
 Twill make the tongue ti'd Lawyer lisp 
 
 and naught but (hic-up) say. 
 Twill make the Steward droope and stoop 
 
 his Bils he then will scorne, 
 And at each post cast his reckning up, 
 
 this little Barly-Corne, 
 
 Twill make a man grow jealous soone, 
 
 whose pretty Wife goes trim. 
 And raile at the deceiving Moone 
 
 for making homes at him : 
 Twill make the Maidens trimly dance, 
 
 and take it in no scorne, 
 And helpe them to a friend by chance ; 
 
 this little Barly-Coitie. 
 
 It is the neatest Serving man 
 
 to entertaine a friend, 
 It will doe more than money can, 
 
 all iarring suits to end : 
 
 is spoken of in Tarlton's Jests, as having picked him out as being the 
 biggest fool in the company. His tricks were marvellous, but perhaps 
 his most noted feat was riding up the steeple of St. Paul's in the year 1600. 
 This feat is mentioned in the following books. Decker's Dead-Tearme — 
 Owle's Almanack, 16 1 8 — The Meeting of Gallants at an Ordinarie, or the 
 Walkes in Powles, 1604 — The Blacke Booke, 1604 — Northward Hoe, 
 1607 — Rowley's Search for Money, 1609 — Decker's Gul's Horn -book, 
 i6og — and His Jests to make you merie, 1607. The horse afterwards 
 went a continental trip, where he excited great wonder, and his high 
 training was put down to witchcraft. Indeed a rumour was spread about 
 that both he and his master were burnt for sorcery ; but this was not so, 
 for in Charles I.'s reign mention is more than once made of Banks being a 
 vintner in Cheapside. The horse's name was Marocco, and there was a 
 very curious book printed in 1595, called " Maroccus extaticus or Bankes 
 Bay Horse in a Trance," etc. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 127 
 
 There's life in it, and it is here, 
 
 'tis here within this Cup, 
 Then take your liquor; doe not spare, 
 
 but deare carouse it up. 
 
 If sicknesse Come, this Physick take 
 
 it from your heart will set it, 
 If feare incroach, take more of it, 
 
 your heart will soon forget it : 
 Apollo and the Muses nine, 
 
 doe take it in no scorne, 
 There's no such stuffe to passe the time, 
 
 as the little Barly-Corne. 
 
 Twill make a weeping Widdow laugh, 
 
 and some incline to pleasure ; 
 Twill make an old man leave his staffe 
 
 and dance a youthfull measure : 
 And though your clothes be nere so bad, 
 
 all ragged, rent, and tome, 
 Against the Cold you may be clad 
 
 with the little Barly Come. 
 
 Twill make a Coward not to shrinke, 
 
 but be as stout as may be, 
 Twill make a man that he shall thinke. 
 
 that Jon^s as good as my Lady : 
 It will inrich the palest face, 
 
 and with Rubies it adorne, 
 Yet you shall thinke it no disgrace, 
 
 this little Barly Come. 
 
 Twill make your Gossips merry, 
 
 when they their liquor see. 
 Hey, we shall nere be weary, 
 
 sweet Gossip, here's to thee : 
 Twill make the Country Yeoman 
 
 the Courtier for to scorne, 
 And talk of Law suits ore a Can, 
 
 with this little Barly Come. 
 
128 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 It makes a man that write cannot 
 
 to make you large Indentures, 
 When as he reeleth home at night, 
 
 upon the watch he ventures : 
 He cares not for the Candle light 
 
 that shineth in the home, 
 Yet he will stumble the way aright, 
 
 this little Barly-Corne. 
 
 Twill make a Miser prodigall, 
 
 and shew himselfe kind hearted 
 Twill make him never grieve at all, 
 
 that from his Coyne hath parted : 
 Twill make a Shepheard to mistake 
 
 his Sheepe before a storme : 
 Twill make the Poet to excell, 
 
 this little Barly-Corne. 
 
 It will make young Lads to call 
 
 most freely for their Liquor, 
 Twill make a young Lass take a fall, 
 
 and rise againe the quicker : 
 Twill make a man that he 
 
 shall sleepe all night profoundly. 
 And make a man what ere he be 
 
 goe about his businesse roundly. 
 
 Thus the Barly-Corne hath power 
 
 even for to change our nature. 
 And make a Shrew within an houre, 
 
 prove a kind-hearted creature : 
 And therefore here I say againe 
 
 let no man tak't in scorne, 
 That I the vertues doe proclaim 
 
 of the little Barly-Corne. 
 
 Printed in London for E. B. 
 
 The Tanner and the Butcher's dogge, 
 
 [52.] A Country Tanner that was runing hastily through 
 Eastcheape and having a long Pike-Staffe on his shoulder, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 129 
 
 one of the Butchers dogs caught him by the breech. The 
 fellow got loose, and ranne his pike into the Dogs throat, and 
 killed him. The Butcher seeing that his Dog was kill'd tooke 
 hold of the Tanner, and carried him before the Deputy, who 
 asked him, What reason he had to kill the dogge? For 
 mine owne defence (quoth the Tanner). Why, quoth the 
 Deputy, hast thou no other defence but present death ? Sir, 
 quoth the Tanner, London fashions are not like the Countries, 
 for here the stones are fast in the streets, and the Dogs are 
 loose, but in the Country, the dogs are fast tied, and the 
 stones are loose to throw at them ; and what should a man do 
 in this extremity, but use his staife for his own defence? 
 Marry (quoth the Deputy) if a man will needs use his staffe, 
 he might use his blunt end, and not the sharp pike. True, 
 Master Deputy, quoth the Tanner, but you must consider, if 
 the Dog had used his blunt end, and runne his taile at me,- 
 then had there good reason for me to do the like ; but I vow 
 Master Deputy, the Dogge came sharpe at me, and fastned 
 his teeth in my breech, and I again ranne sharp at him, and 
 thrust my pike into his belly. By my faith a crafty knave, 
 quoth the Deputy, if you will both stand to my verdict, 
 send for a quart of wine, be friends, and so you are both 
 discharged. 
 
 Cede majoribus. 
 
 [5.] I took the wall, one rudely thrust me by. 
 And told me the high way did open lye, 
 I thankt him that he would mee so much grace, 
 To take the worse and leave the better place. 
 For if by owners we esteem of things 
 The wall's the subject's, but the way the King's. 
 
 [32.] What is the most profitable beast, and that men eat 
 least on ? Solution. It is a Bee, for it maketh both hony 
 and wax, and yet costeth his master nothing the keeping. 
 
 [i2.] Mr. Button being dead, 
 He was so fat, one said 
 
1 30 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 That his Grave was three foot o're ; 
 
 Why, you -talk like a Fool, 
 
 'Tis but a Button-hole 
 To Graves I have made before. 
 
 [54.] Act I. s. 6. Dame Purecraft. Win the fight 
 Littlewit (her daughter) John Little wit (a Proctor, Win's 
 husband) Zeal of the land Busy (a Banbury ^ man suitor to 
 Dame Purecraft.) 
 
 Purecraft. Now the blaze of the beauteous discipline, fright 
 away this evill from our house ! how now Win the fight, 
 Child : how do you ? Sweet child, speake to me. 
 Win. Yes forsooth. 
 
 Pure. Looke up, sweet Win the fight, and suffer not the 
 enemy to enter you at this doore, remember that your 
 education has bin with the purest ; what polluted one 
 was it, that nam'd first the uncleane beast, Pigge, to you. 
 Child? 
 
 Win. Uh, uh. 
 
 John, Not I, o' my sincerity, mother ; she long'd above three 
 houres, ere she would let me know it ; who was it Win 1 
 Win. A prophane blacke thing with a beard, John. 
 
 Pure. O ! resist it, Win the fight, it is the Tempter, the 
 wicked Tempter, you may know it by the fleshly motion 
 of Pig ; be strong against it, and its foule temptations, in 
 these assaults, whereby it broacheth flesh and blood, as 
 it were, on the weaker side, and pray against its camall 
 provocations, good child, sweet child, pray. 
 
 John. Good mother, I pray you, that she may eate some 
 Pigge, and her bellyfull too ; and doe not you cast away 
 your owne child, and perhaps one of mine, with your tale 
 of the Tempter ; how doe you. Win ? Are you not 
 sicke ? 
 
 ' A synonym for a Puritan, as Butler says in Hudibras — 
 
 "Through Banbury I passed, O profane one, 
 And there I saw a Puritane one 
 Hanging of his Cat on Monday 
 For killing of a Rat on Sunday." 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 131 
 
 Win. Yes, a great As.'iSs. John (uh, uh). 
 
 Pure. What shall we doe? call our zealous brother Busy 
 hither, for his faithfull fortification in this charge of the 
 adversary ; childe, my dear childe, you shall eate Pigge ; 
 be comforted, my sweet childe. 
 
 Win. \} but i' the Fayre, mother. 
 
 Pure. I meane i' the Fayre, if it can be any way made, or 
 found lawfuU; where is our brother Busy? Will hee 
 not come ? looke up, Child. 
 
 John. Presently, mother, as soone as he has cleans'd his 
 beard. I found him fast by the teeth, i' the cold Turkey 
 pye, i' th' cupbord, with a great white loafe on his left 
 hand, and a glasse of Malmesey on his right. 
 
 Pure. Slander not the Brethren wicked one. 
 
 John. Here hee is, now, purified, Mother. 
 
 Pure. O brother Busy I your helpe heere to edifie, and raise 
 us up in a Scruple, my daughter Win the fight is visited 
 with a naturall disease of women ; call'd A longing to 
 eate Pigge. 
 
 John. I, Sir, a Bartholomew ^ pigge ; and in the Fayre. 
 
 Pure. And I would be satisfied from you. Religiously-wise, 
 whether a widdow of the sanctified assembly, or a wid- 
 dowes daughter, may commit the act, without offence to 
 the weaker sisters. 
 
 Busy. Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a 
 carnall disease, or appetite, incident to women ; and as 
 it is carnall, and incident, it is naturall, very naturall : 
 Now Pigge, it is a meat, and a meat that is nourishing, 
 and may be long'd for, and so consequently eaten ; it 
 may be eaten ; very exceeding well eaten ; but in the 
 Fayre, and as a Bartholomew-^vg it can not be eaten, for 
 the very calling it a Bartholomew-^iggs, and to eate it so, 
 is a spice oi Idolatry, and you make the Fayre no better 
 than one of the high Places. This, I take it is the state 
 of the question. A high place. 
 
 John. I, but in a state of necessity, Place should give place 
 Mr Busy. (I have a conceit left, yet) 
 
 ^ I is frequently used for ay. 
 2 It was the proper thing to eat roast sucking pig at Bartholomew fair. 
 
132 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Pure. Good brother Zeale of the land, thinke to make it as 
 lawful! as you can. 
 
 John. Yes, Sir' and as scone as you can ; for it must be, Sir; 
 you see the danger my little wife is in Sir. 
 
 Picre. Truely, I doe love my child dearel)^ and I would not 
 have her miscarry or hazard her first fruites if it might be 
 otherwise. 
 
 Busy. Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject to con- 
 struction, subject, and hath a face of offence, with the 
 weake, a great face, a foule face, but that face may have 
 a vaile put over it and be shaddowed, as it were, it may 
 be eaten, and in the Fayre, I take it, in a Booth, the 
 tents of the wicked : the place is not much, not very 
 much, we may be religious in midst of the prophane, so 
 it be eaten with a reformed mouth, with Sobriety, and 
 humblenesse ; not gorg'd in with gluttony, or greedinesse ; 
 there's the feare : for should she goe there, as taking 
 pride in the place, or delight in the uncleane dressing, to 
 feed the vanity of the eye, or the lust of the palat, it were 
 not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and not 
 good. 
 John. Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't, but courage. 
 Win, we'll be humble enough ; we'll seek out the home- 
 liest Booth i' the Fayre, that's certaine ; rather than faile, 
 wee'll eate it o' the ground. 
 
 Busy. In the way of comfort to the weake, I will goe, and 
 eat. I will eate exceedingly, and prophesie ; there may 
 be a good use made of it, too, now I thinke on't ; by the 
 publike eating of Swines flesh, to professe our hate, and 
 loathing, of ludaisme, whereof the brethren stand taxed ; 
 I will therefore eate, yea, I will eate exceedingly. 
 
 Why women weare a fall. 
 
 [5.] A question 'tis why women weare a fall. 
 The truth it is to pride they are given all. 
 And pride the proverbe saies must have a fall. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 133 
 
 [i2.] A Gentleman did say 
 
 On the last Twelf-day, 
 That Cheese digests ev'ry thing ; 
 
 Y'are dispos'd to jest, 
 
 And will ne're be at rest, 
 But at all will have a fling. 
 
 I'le say't o're agen 
 
 Nay, before any Men, 
 That it causes a good digestion ; 
 
 You'l jest on still. 
 
 Let me say what I will. 
 Though you ne're are askt the Question. 
 
 [32.] What is it that goeth to the water, and leaveth its guts 
 at home? Solution. It is a pillow beer,^ for when it goeth 
 to washing, the pillow and the feathers be left at home. 
 
 [17.] Two Widdows sitting by the fire, were chatting 
 together of their dead Husbands ; and one said, come, let us 
 have another candle, for my poor Husband lov'd light, God 
 send him Light ever lasting ; and says the other ; My poor 
 Husband lov'd a good fire, I wish him Fire everlasting. 
 
 [26.] A Young Country Fellow went a Wooing to a Country 
 Lass, and he had on then a speck and Span new Suit with 
 Silver Buttons also ; and in all his Discourse with her, he used 
 all the Art he could, to have her take notice of his Buttons ; 
 at last when he saw she would take no Notice of them at all : 
 Well, says he, these Silver Buttons keep me so warm : Yes, 
 says she, jjtfz^ had best lie in them all night, lest you should take 
 cold this frosty weather. 
 
 ' Pillow case. 
 
1 34 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The poore man payes for all. 
 
 This is but a dreame which here shall insue, 
 But the Author wishes his words were not true. 
 
 To the Tune of In slumbring sUepe I lay. 
 
 [56.] 
 
 As I lay musing all alone 
 
 upon my resting bed, 
 Full many a cogitation 
 
 did come into my head : 
 And waking from my sleepe, I 
 
 my dreame to mind did call, 
 Methought I saw before mine eyes, 
 
 how poore men payes for all. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 135 
 
 I many objects did behold, 
 
 in this my frightful! Dreame, 
 A part of them I will unfold.; 
 
 and though my present Theame 
 Is but a fancy you may say, 
 
 yet many things doe fall 
 Too true alas ; for at this day 
 
 the poore man pay es for all. 
 
 Methought I saw (which caused my care) 
 
 what I wish were a fable. 
 That poore men still inforced are 
 
 to pay more than they are able ; 
 Me thought I heard them weeping say, 
 
 their substance was but small, 
 For rich men will beare all the sway, 
 
 and poore men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I saw how wealthy men 
 
 did grind the poore mens faces, 
 And greedily did prey on them, 
 
 not pittying their cases : 
 They make them toyle and labour sore, 
 
 for wages too too small : 
 The rich men in the Tavernes rore, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 Methought I saw an Usurer old 
 
 walke in his Fox-fur'd gowne. 
 Whose wealth and eminence control'd 
 
 the most men in the Towne : 
 His wealth he by extortion got, 
 
 and rose by others fall. 
 He had what his hands earned not, 
 
 but poor men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I saw a Courtier proud, 
 
 goe swaggering along. 
 That unto any scarce allow'd 
 
 the office of his tongue : 
 
1 36 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Me thought wert not for bribery, 
 his Peacocks plumes would fall, 
 
 He ruffles out in bravery, 
 but poor men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I met (sore discontent) 
 
 some poore men on the way, 
 I asked one whither he went, 
 
 so fast, and could not stay? 
 Quoth he, I must go take my Lease, 
 
 or else another shall, 
 My Landlords riches doe increase, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I saw most stately wives 
 
 go jetting 1 on the way. 
 That live delightfuU idle lives, 
 
 and go in garments gay : 
 That with the men their shapes doe change, 
 
 or else they'l chide and brawle. 
 Thus women goe like monsters strange, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I was i' th' countrey 
 
 where poore men take great paines. 
 And labour hard continually, 
 
 onely for rich mens gaines : 
 Like th' Israelites in -Egypt, 
 
 the poore are kept in thrall. 
 The task-masters are playing kept, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I saw poore Tradesmen 
 
 i' th' City and else where. 
 Whom rich men keepe as beads-men, 
 
 in bondage, care, and feare : 
 Thei'l have them worke for what they list, 
 
 thus weakest goe to the wall. 
 The rich men eate and drinke the best 
 
 but poore inen pay for all. 
 ' Strutting. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 137 
 
 Me thought I saw two Lawyers base 
 
 one to another say, 
 ■We have had in hand this poore mans Case, 
 
 a twelvemonth and a day ; 
 And yet wee'l not contented be 
 
 to let the matter fall, 
 Beare thou with me, & He beare with thee 
 
 while poore men pay for all. 
 
 Me thought I saw a red-nose Oast, 
 
 as fat as he could wallow, 
 Whose carkasse, if it should be roast, 
 
 would drop seven stone of tallow : 
 He grows rich out of measure, 
 
 with filling measure small, 
 He lives in mirth and pleasure, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 And so likewise the Brewer stout, 
 
 the Chandler and the Baker, 
 The Mault man also without doubt, 
 
 and the Tobacco taker, 
 Though they be proud and stately growne, 
 
 and beare themselves so tall. 
 Yet to the world it is well knowne, 
 
 that poore men. pay for all. 
 
 Even as the mighty fishes still, 
 
 doe feed upon the lesse ; 
 So rich men, might they have ther will 
 
 would on the poore man ceaze ^ 
 It is a proverbe old and true, 
 
 that weakest goe to th' wall, 
 Rich men can drinke till th' sky looke blue, 
 
 but poore men pay for all. 
 
 But now, as I before did say, 
 
 this is but a Dreame indeed. 
 Though all dreames prove not true, some may 
 
 hap right, as I doe reade. 
 1 Seize. 
 
1 3B Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And if that any come to passe, 
 I doubt this my Dreame shall ; 
 
 For still tis found too true a case, 
 that poor e men pay for all. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed at London for H. G. 
 
 A Witty answer of a Countrey fellow. 
 
 [52.] A Country fellow walking London Streets, and gazing 
 up and down at every sight he saw, some mockt him, others 
 pulled him by the Cloake, in so much he could not passe in 
 quiet. He having as much wit, as the boyes knavery, thought 
 hee would requite them for their kinde salutations, with some- 
 thing to laugh at, and to try their wits ; and, comming to 
 Paul's gate, where they sell pinnes and Needles, the boyes being 
 very saucie, pulled him by the cloake, and one said. What 
 lacke you friend? another. What lacke you Countryman? 
 Quoth the fellow, minding to make himself some sport, I want 
 a hood for a Humble Bee, or a payre of Spectacles for a blinde 
 Beare : which so amazed the boy, that he had nothing to reply, 
 and the Countrey Man went laughing away. 
 
 [32.] What is that which 20 will goe into a Tankard, and 
 one will fill a Barn ? 
 
 Solution. It is 20 Candles- not lighted and one lighted. 
 
 [51.] A Sort of Clownes for loss which they sustain'd 
 By Souldiers, to the Captaine sore complain'd. 
 With dolefull wordes, and very woefull faces, 
 They Moov'd him to compassionate their Cases. 
 Good Sir (sayea one) I pray redress our wrong. 
 They that have done it, unto you belong ; 
 Of all that eare we had we are bereft, 
 Except our very Shirts, theres nothing left. 
 The Captaine answer'd thus ; Fellowes heare mee : 
 My Souldiers rob'd you not, I plainely see ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 139 
 
 At your first speech, you made me somewhat sad, 
 
 But your last wordes resolv'd the doubt I had. 
 
 For they which rifled you left Shirts (you say) 
 
 And I am sure mine carry all away : 
 
 By this I know an errour you are in. 
 
 My Souldiers would have left you but your skin. 
 
 [4.] A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County 
 who was a comely young Man, wait upon the Judge who was 
 an old Man, was asked by one, which she had most mind to, 
 the Judge or the Sheriff? She answered, the Sheriff He 
 asking the reason, she replied, That she loved Judgement well, 
 but Execution much better. 
 
 [12.] One did praise dead Beer, 
 
 Says his Friend, I fear 
 That you have a Worm in your Head ; 
 
 Why de'e praise dead Beer ? 
 
 So must you too I swear, 
 We must all speak well of the dead. 
 
 [52.] It chanced, on a Bartholomew-day, when men keep 
 Boothes in Smithfield, a Countrey Gentleman having some 
 Store of money (and no lesse honesty) about him, comming to 
 the Faire, would, amongst the rest needes view the pictures at 
 that time hanging in the Cloysters, where was then much 
 variety of postures, personages, stories, landskips, and such 
 Uke, which carieth away the Senses, to a kinde of admiration 
 for the present : and as he was thus gazing up and down, there 
 comes a nimble diver (as at that time there resorts many) and 
 closes with him, and quickly draws his purse forth of his 
 pocket, and away he hies him presently : the Gentleman mist 
 his purse, but knew not how to helpe himselfe. Going home 
 to his lodging, and pondering in his minde how either to 
 regain his losses, or to be revenged on the Pick-pocket, at 
 length he bethought himself of this device : he caused an 
 honest Taylor to sew a certain number of Fish hookes within, 
 and round about the mouth of his pocket ; with the poynts of 
 the hookes hanging downward, and the next day hies him to 
 
140 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 the same place, in another Countrey Hke habit, and baites his 
 Pocket with more money, and there he stood gazing againe at 
 the pictures, presently his former fish (or one of his fraternity) 
 closes with him again, and dives, which the Gentleman being 
 watchfull of, gives a slip aside and had presently strucke the 
 nibling fish into the hand, and feeling him fast, begins to goe 
 away, and the more he hastes away, the deeper the hookes 
 went into the Divers hand. Oh, (quoth the Pick-pocket) how 
 now Sir (quoth the Gentleman) what makes your hand in my 
 Pocket ? Pull it out I say : Oh Sir (quoth he) I beseech you 
 be good to me : The people gathering together, imagined the 
 Gentleman had an inchanted Pocket, and that the fellow had 
 not power to pull forth his hand again, they would have him 
 before the Justice. No (quoth the Gentleman) He carry him 
 myselfe, so away he went (with the fellowes hand in his Pocket 
 to a Taverne, with two or three of his friends, and told him 
 what he had lost there the day before, and unlesse he would 
 restore it, he would have him before a Justice : which match 
 the fellow for feare of hanging, willingly condescended to 
 surrender. And that ten pound, and ten shillings more 
 towards the mending of his Pocket : so the Gentleman being 
 well satisfied, ript forth his pocket, and away went the Cut- 
 purse, who had so much picking worke to get out of his hands, 
 he could not use his trade for a Moneth after. 
 
 [32.] I came to a tree where were apples, I eat no apples, 
 I gave away no apples, nor I left no apples behind me : and 
 yet I eat, gave away, and left behind me. Solution. There 
 were three apples on the tree, for I eat one apple, gave away 
 one apple, and left one. So I eat no apples, for I eat but one 
 apple, which is no apples, and thus I gave away no apples, for 
 I gave but one, and thus I left no apples for I left but one. 
 
 [5.] When Crassus in his office was instal'd. 
 
 For summs of money, which he yet doth owe, 
 A client by the name of Clerk him Call'd, 
 As he next day to Westminster did go. 
 Which Crassus hearing, whispers thus in's eare, 
 Sirrah, you now mistake, and much do erre, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 141 
 
 That henceforth must the name of Gierke forbear, 
 
 And know I am become an Officer. 
 
 Alas (quoth he) I did not so much marke, 
 Good Mr Officer, that are no clerke. 
 
 [8.] When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the Gity of London, 
 being one of the Justices of Peace, he used to go to the Ses- 
 sions at New-gate, where it fell out that one of the ancientest 
 Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose 
 purses had been cut, for not being more careful ; telling them 
 their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were 
 brought thither, which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him 
 so often to repeat at one time, especially ; the night after, he 
 sent for one of the chief Gut-purses that was in prison, and 
 promised to save him harmless, and stand his friend too, if he 
 would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate 
 on the Bench, and then presently make a sign of it to him ; 
 the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day ; 
 therefore, when they sate again, that Thief was called among 
 the first, who, being accused of his fact, said he did not doubt 
 but that he could sufficiently excuse himself, if he were per- 
 mitted to speak to some of the Bench in private. He was 
 therefore bid to chuse one who he would, and presently he 
 chose that grave old man, who' then had his pouch at his 
 girdle, as they wore them in those dayes; and whilst he 
 whispered him in the ear, he cunningly cut his purse, and 
 then solemnly taking his leave, returns to his place. Sir 
 Thomas knowing by a private sign, that the business was 
 dispatcht, presently took occasion to move the Bench to 
 distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there, 
 and for good example began himself to do it ; when the old 
 man came to open his purse, and sees it cut away, and, much 
 wondering, said he was confident he brought it with him when 
 he came thither that morning. Sir Thomas replied presently. 
 What I will you charge any of us with felony 9 But his choler 
 rising, and he being ashamed of the thing. Sir Thomas calls 
 the Gut-purse and bids him give him his purse again, and 
 withal advised the good old Justice hereafter Not to be so bitter 
 a censurer of innocent mens negligence, when as himself could not 
 secure his purse in that open assembly. 
 
142 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 A merry Jest o{ John Tomson and Jahaman his Wife 
 Whose Jealousie was justly the cause of all their strife. 
 
 To the Tune ol Pegge of Ramsey.^ 
 
 [57.] When I was a Batchelour 
 
 I liv'd a merry life, 
 But now I am a married man, 
 
 and troubled with a wife, 
 I cannot doe as I have done, 
 
 because I live in feare. 
 If I goe but to Isltngto?i, 
 
 my wife is watching there 
 Give me my yellow Hose agatne, 
 
 give me my yellow hose ; 
 For now my wife she watcheth me, 
 
 see yonder where she goes. 
 
 But when I was a prentice bound, 
 and my Indentures made : 
 
 In many faults I have beene found 
 yet never thus afraid. 
 
 ^ For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 143 
 
 For if I chance now by the way 
 
 a woman for to kisse, 
 The rest are ready for to say 
 
 thy Wife shall know of this. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose Qfc. 
 
 Thus when I come in company 
 
 I passe my mirth in feare, 
 For one or other merrily, 
 
 will say my wife is there. 
 And then my look doth make them laugh, 
 
 to see my wofull case : 
 How I stand like John hold my staffe, 
 
 and dare not shew my face. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose &'C. 
 
 There comes a handsome woman in, 
 
 and shakes me by the hand : 
 But how my wife she did begin, 
 
 now you shall understand. 
 Faire dame (quoth she) why dost thou so ? 
 
 he gave his hand to me : 
 And thou shalt know before thou go, 
 
 he is no man for thee. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose ^'c. 
 
 Good wife (quoth she) now doe not scould, 
 
 I will doe so no more ; 
 I thought I might have beene so bolde 
 
 I knowing him before. 
 With that my wife was almost mad, 
 
 yet many did intreat her ; 
 And I, God knpwes, was very sad, 
 
 for feare she would have beat her. 
 Give me my yellow Hose dfc. 
 
 Thus marriage is an enterprise 
 
 experience doth show ; 
 But scolding is an exercise, 
 
 that married men doe know. 
 
1 44 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 For all this while there was no blowes, 
 yet still their tongues was talking ; 
 
 And very fain would yellow hose 
 have had her fists a walking. 
 
 Give me tiiy yellow Hose &•€. 
 
 In comes a neighbour of our towne, 
 
 an honest man, God wot : 
 And he must needes goe sit him downe, 
 
 and call in for his pot. 
 And said to me, I am the man 
 
 which gave to you your wife, 
 And I will doe the best I can, 
 
 to mend this wicked life. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose <S-'c. 
 
 I gave him thankes, and bad him goe, 
 
 and so he did indeed, 
 And told my wife she was a shrow, 
 
 but that was more than need. 
 Saith he, thou hast an honest man, 
 
 and one that loves thee well ; 
 Said she, you are a foole, good sir. 
 
 It's more than you can tell. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose ^'C. 
 
 And yet in truth he loveth me, 
 
 but many more beside ; 
 And I may say, good Sir, to thee, 
 
 that I cannot abide. 
 For though he loves me as his life 
 
 yet now, sir, wot you what. 
 They say he loves his neighbours wife, 
 
 I pray you how like you that. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose dfe. 
 
 Saith he, I hope I never shall 
 seeke fancy fond to follow, 
 
 For love is lawfuU unto all 
 except it be too yellow. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century, 145 
 
 Which lyeth like the Jaundies so, 
 
 in these our Women's faces ; 
 That watch their husbands where they go 
 
 and hunt them out in places. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose &--c. 
 
 Now comes my Neighbour's wife apace, 
 
 to talke a word or two, 
 My wife then meets her face to face, 
 
 and saith, dame, is it you 
 That makes so much of my good man, 
 
 as if he were your owne ? 
 Then clamp as closely as you can, 
 
 I know it will be known. 
 
 Giv& me my yellow hosejs'c. 
 
 Now when I saw the woman gone, 
 
 I call'd my wife aside. 
 And said why art thou such a one, 
 
 that thou canst not abide 
 A woman for to talke with mee, 
 
 this is a wofull case. 
 That I must keepe no company 
 
 except you be in place. 
 
 Give me my yellow hose 6r'e. 
 
 This maketh Batchelers to wooe 
 
 so long before they wed. 
 Because they heare that women now 
 
 will be their husband's head. 
 And seven yeare long I tarried 
 
 for Jakaman my wife. 
 But now that I am married 
 
 I am weary of my life. 
 
 Give me my yellow hose ^c. 
 
 For yellow love is too, too bad, 
 
 without all wit or policie. 
 And too much love hath made her mad, 
 
 and fiU'd her full of Jelousie. 
 
 L 
 
146 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 She thinkes I am in love with those 
 
 I speake to passing by 
 That makes her wear the yellow hose 
 
 I gave her for to dye. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose ^c. 
 
 But now I see shee is so hot 
 
 and lives so much at ease, 
 I will goe get a Souldiers coate, 
 
 and sayle beyond the Seas ; 
 To serve my Captain where and whan, 
 
 though it be to my paine. 
 Thus farewell gentle Jakaman, 
 
 till we two meet again e. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose fy^c. 
 
 Quoth she, good husband, doe not deale 
 
 thus hardly now with me. 
 And of a truth, I will reveale 
 
 my cause of jealousie : 
 You know I alwaies paid the score, 
 
 you put me still in trust, 
 I saved twenty pound and more, 
 
 confesse it needes I must. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose ^^c. 
 
 But now my saving of the same, 
 
 for aught that I doe know ; 
 Made Jelousie to fire her frame, 
 
 to weave this web of woe : 
 And thus this foolish love of mine 
 
 was very fondly bent, 
 But now my gold and goods are thine, 
 
 good husband, be content. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose &-'c. 
 
 And thus to lead my life a new, 
 
 I fully now purpose ; 
 That thou maist change thy coat of blew, 
 
 and I my yellow hose. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 147 
 
 This being done, our Country wives 
 
 may warning take by me, 
 How they doe live such jealous lives, 
 as I have done with thee. 
 
 Give me my yellow Hose d^c. 
 
 M. L. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Imprinted at London for Edward Wright.^ — 
 
 [17.] Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it 
 was dangerous riding down : No, says t'other, I will not light ; 
 for I have but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em : says 
 the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil 
 that, and therefore I'l. light 
 
 [12.] One hung a dirty sheet 
 
 On a pale in the street. 
 
 And there it did hang all the day 
 But 'twas stole at Night, 
 Says the Man, by this light 
 
 They have stole it clean away. 
 
 [52.] Three loytring companions that fell in company to- 
 gether, domineered and swaggered so long, that all their 
 mony was quite consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, 
 and having little or no credit at all left, one of them said. 
 Wee are now in a faire taking : for we may, if we please 
 seek our Dinners with Duke Humphry, Nay, hold (quoth 
 the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can 
 get mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can 
 as easily assemble people. They were at that time not much 
 above two miles from a small Towne in Bark shire, where, 
 when as thither they came, there was a new Pillory, newly 
 set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the Bailiffe, 
 
 ' Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate, and pubhshed between 
 1620 and 165s, at which date he assigns to W. Gilbertson. 
 
148 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory. 
 The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing 
 a while musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest 
 neighbours, and they bad him set up the knave and spare 
 not. So he makes no more a doe, but up he went, and 
 when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellow 
 Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's 
 aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth 
 he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand 
 there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their 
 matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiffe, Turn 
 the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So he, laugh- 
 ing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the Bailiffe 
 said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou 
 hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink ; 
 and, thinking to take some money out of the hole of his 
 apron, he found there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth 
 the Bailiffe, my money is picked out of my apron ; and then 
 the rest of the Butcher's besides swore they had lost theirs 
 also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not think that I have it. 
 No, certainly, quoth the BaiUffe, I know well enough thou 
 hast it not ; for thou wert on the pillory all the while. Why 
 then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the 
 fellow, and so went his wayes. 
 
 [51.] Gentlemen that approch about my Stall, 
 To most rare Phisicke I invite you all ; 
 Come neere and barken what I have to sell. 
 And deale with mee all those that are not well. 
 In this Boxe heere, I have such precious stuffe. 
 To give it prayse, I have not words enuffe : 
 If any Humour in your Braines be crept, 
 I'le fetch it out, as if your heads were swept. 
 Almost through Europe I have shewne my face 
 In every Towne, and every Market-place — 
 Behold this salve, (I do not use to lye) 
 Whole Hospitals there have been curde thereby. 
 I doe not stand heere like a tattar'd slave. 
 My Velvet, and my Chaine of Gold I have : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 149 
 
 Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes ; 
 
 Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes. 
 
 There stands my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne ; 
 
 From hence to Turkic is my credite knowne : 
 
 In sooth I cannot boast, as many will. 
 
 Let nothing speake for mee, but onely skill. 
 
 See you that thing like Ginger-bread lies there. 
 
 My tongue cannot expresse to any eare 
 
 The sundrie vertues that it doth containe, 
 
 Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine. 
 
 If in your Bellies there be crawlers bred 
 
 In multitudes like Haires upon your head. 
 
 Within some howers space, or there about, 
 
 At all the holes you have, I'le fetch them out, 
 
 And ferret them before that I have done. 
 
 Even like the Hare that foorth a Bush doth run. 
 
 Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye ; 
 
 This for the Stomacke : Maisters will you buy ? 
 
 When I am gone, you will repent too late. 
 
 And then (like fooles) among yourselves will prate. 
 
 Oh that we had that famous Man againe. 
 
 When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine : 
 
 Now, for a Stater,"^ you a Box shall have 
 
 That will the lives of halfe a dozen save. 
 
 My man has come, and in mine eare he sayes 
 
 At home for me at least an hundred stayes. 
 
 All Gentlemen ; yet for your Good, you see, 
 
 I make them tarry, and attend for mee. 
 
 If that you have no Money, let me know, 
 
 Phisicke of almes upon you He bestow. 
 
 What Doctor in the world can offer more ? 
 
 Such arrant Clownes I never knew before : 
 
 Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee, 
 
 But not a Penny from you I can see. 
 
 A man shall come to doe such Dunces good. 
 
 And cannot have his meaning understood ? 
 
 To talke to senselesse people is in vaine, 
 
 ' A " fa9qn de parler ; " a stater really was a tetradrachm in silver, 
 and was worth about half a crown. 
 
15° 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 I'le see you hang'd ere I'le come heere againe : 
 Be all diseas'd as bad as Horses be 
 And die in ditches like to Dogges, for me ! 
 An Old-wives-medicine, Parseley, Time and Sage, 
 Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvey age : 
 Goose grease and Fennell, with a few Dog-dates, 
 Is excellent for such base lowzey mates : 
 Farewell, some Hempton ^ halter be the Charme, 
 To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme. 
 
 The following is a satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, 
 was carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time. 
 
 [58-] 
 
 pap my upL jatnfl ihj meu^eJU lay 
 Jlkijam^ niitu^tk^ neratraiimtop.a. 
 tUyttr aptj^fit££ thartjtcfiadin met, 
 InauiuuLnyintmprkcrj ont dn^Jfee 
 
 J^or a. pint o/'winc the arawer £aU 
 
 Iccme opritfie Jyf/ie ihis/qeall 
 
 •4pej tmdi^Ui tovl^ al(ara3 atcJIU 
 
 I inen % women cu^hi to ha^c more tu'tti 
 
 [59.] A Continuation of a Catalogue of Ladies to be set up 
 by Auction, on Monday the 6*^ of this Instant July. 
 
 Catalogues are distributed by the Booksellers of London 
 & Weshninsier. 
 
 Hempen. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 151 
 
 Conditions of Sale. 
 
 First. He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Differ- 
 ence arises, she is to be put up again. 
 
 Secondly. That no Person shall bid less than ;^soo the 
 first Proposal, and always advance j^ioo. 
 
 Thirdly. That all of them shall be bound up in Silks ; 
 and if any shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys 
 them shall be at Liberty to take them away or leave them. 
 
 By E. CI r Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress 
 
 in Q Street. 
 
 £ 
 
 1. One brisk Underbuilt young Widdow near Temple 
 
 Bar 1000 
 
 2. A Buxome young Maid of 19 years of age, who 
 
 stinks of powder, by the same Barr, provided 
 her Father hath not given the ;^8oo to the 
 Poor, will be worth 2000 
 
 3. A Vintner's Widdow, who formerly lived against 
 
 St Dunstan's Church, by reason of her non- 
 Reputation 500 
 
 4. Three Sisters in Shier Lane very brisk, but 2""^ 
 
 hand, and go for Maids, each 800 
 
 5. An old Maiden-Sempstress in Fleet Street. 500 
 
 6. A Booksellers only Daughter in 5' PauVs Church 
 
 Yard, if her Fathers Debts be all paid, value. 1600 
 
 7. A rich Widdow, Humptback, and crooked Legs, 
 
 who has buried 2 Husb. 1 900 
 
 8. A Country Farmer's Daughter, lately come to 
 
 town, and lodges in Essex Street, a good face, 
 
 but an ugly gate. iioo 
 
 9. A famous Conventicler's Daughter, near Covent 
 
 Garden, provided he has a good gathering this 
 
 year, will give her 1500 
 
 10. A Councellor's Daughter in the Temple, very well 
 
 accomplished, only loves Brandy 2300 
 
 11. An Irish Lady, very tall, aged 16. 2700 
 
 1 2. A Soliciters Daughter, not streight but a good Face. 4000 
 
1 5 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 13. Two Sisters, tall handsome Women, lodging by £ 
 
 Shooe Lane, each 1000 
 
 14. A Hummers Daughter, in Fleet Street, brisk and 
 
 airy, not to be bought under a Coach and 6. 1200 
 
 15. A Taylor's Daughter in the same Court, with a 
 
 Flaxen Tow'r to cover her Carret head, worth 800 
 
 1 6. A Fat Widdow of S^ Brides Parish, she is but a 
 
 little foolish, a Lumping Penny worth, 200 
 
 17. An Ale house keepers Daughter in Bell-yard, worth 0000 
 
 (To advance a Cravat String of i8<i each bidding) 
 
 18. A Barbers Wife near S* Dunstans Church, lately 
 
 divorced from her Husband, a pretty Woman, 
 
 and fit for service. What you please 
 
 1 9. The Widdow of the Famous Dr S -fold, late 
 
 Student in Physick Astrology and Poetry, besides 
 
 her Talent in a Napkin. 200 per. Ann. 
 
 20. A young Orphan, Right Honourable by the Fathers 
 
 side, and Right by the Mothers 3000 
 
 [12.] One a Licence had got 
 
 For to begg, God wot. 
 And of a poor Scholar begg'd a DoUer ; 
 
 Thou hast Lice I do fear, 
 
 But no sence, I swear. 
 For to begg of a very poor Scholar. 
 
 [18.] An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring 
 on his Books, he called to his Wife and bad her look to it. 
 You know, says he, / don't concern myself with the household. 
 
 [17.] One parting a Fray, was cut into the Scul : says the 
 Surgeon, Sir, one may see your brains: Nay then I'l be hang'd, 
 says he, for if I had had any brains, I had never come there. 
 
 [17.] A Gentleman losing his way galloping furiously over 
 the plow'd Lands towards Tame, and meeting one, said, Friend 
 is this the way to Tame ? Yes Sir, says he, your Horse, if he 
 be as wild as the Devil. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 153 
 
 THE VIRGIN RACE 
 
 Or, York-shires Glory. 
 
 Being an Account of a Race lately Run at Temple- 
 Newnham - Green ; None being admitted to run, 
 but such as were supposed Virgins. The first 
 that came to the two Miles-Race end, was to have 
 a Silver Spoon, the second, a silver bodkin, the 
 third a Silver Thimble, and the fourth Nothing 
 at all. 
 
 Tune is, u. New Game at Cards. 
 
 [60.] 
 
 You that do desire to hear, 
 Of a Virgin Race run in York-Shire, 
 Come and Listen, I'le declare, 
 Such News before, you never did hear ; 
 For I think since the World begun 
 But seldom Virgins Races run. 
 
1 54 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Four Virgins that supposed were 
 
 A Race did run I now declare, 
 
 Sure such a Race was never seen, 
 
 As this at Temple Newnham Green. 
 
 In half-shirts & Drawers these Maids did run 
 But Bonny Nmi the Race has won 
 
 A Silver Spoon this Nan obtain'd 
 The next a Silver Bodkin gain'd 
 The thirc^ that was not quite so nimble, 
 Was to have a Silver Thimble ; 
 
 And she that was the last of all. 
 
 Nothing unto her share did fall. 
 
 In Drawers Red An7i Clayton run, 
 And she it was the Race that won ; 
 Pegg Hall as I may tell to you. 
 Did run in Drawers that were Blew ; 
 
 Honest Alice Hall that was the third, 
 Her Drawers were white upon my word. 
 
 A concourse great of People were 
 For to behold these Virgins there, 
 Who so well acted the Mans part. 
 And love a Man with all their heart ; 
 
 But what means this, for well we know 
 Maids through the Nation all do so. 
 
 Now let us come to Bonny Nan, 
 Who won a Race once of a man, 
 In Bussing Hall Street he did dwell 
 His name was Luke, 'tis known full well ; 
 And let me now declare to you, 
 At something else she'l beat him too. 
 
 Let none the York-shire Girls despise 
 Who are so Active now a days, 
 So brisk and nimble they do grow. 
 That few can match them, I do know : 
 Then let us stand Up for York shire, 
 Those Country Girls I love most dear. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 155 
 
 A York shire Girl who can outvie, 
 No City Girls can them come nigh, 
 They've Rosey Blushes in their Cheeks, 
 While City Girls are Green as Leeks, 
 This with my fancy will agree 
 A York shire Girl shall be for me. 
 
 Then here's a Health to a York shire Girl, 
 
 For in my eye she is a Pearl 
 
 Whose Beauty doth so charm mine eye. 
 
 That for her I would freely dye. 
 Her virtues do her face adorn, 
 And makes her look fresh as the Morn. 
 
 Now to conclude unto my friend 
 These Lines I freely recommend ; 
 Advising him above the rest. 
 To love a Yorkshire Girl the best ; 
 But let him use his skill for I 
 . Will love a Yorkshire Girl until I dye 
 
 FINIS 
 Printed for J Wright, J Clark, W Thackeray, and T. Passinger^ 
 
 [61.] There were two good fellows of ancient society (who 
 had not seen one another in a great space of tyme) that one 
 morning very luckily met each other in Budge Rotv, and after 
 some signes of gladnesse to meet so happily,, they agreed upon 
 a mornings draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which 
 time they were both sufficiently liquor'd. But their bellies 
 being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the 
 rear of that morning's action with a Cup of Canary ; away they 
 went to the Swan Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours 
 longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks 
 at the end of a battaile, untill both their Eyes were in a very 
 glimmering Condition. In the mean time, whilst they were 
 thus toaping, there fell an exceeding violent and continuing 
 glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the 
 Tavern door, and no passenger could get over : By this time 
 
156 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 my good fellows having call'd, and paid the reckoning, they 
 both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water 
 tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore it was the Thames, 
 and began to call a Sculler; the other being unwilling to 
 engage further, said he would take his leave, which he did 
 with so low a bending Complement, that his britch touching a 
 little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind 
 him, that it made him rebound into the middle of the stream 
 with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner 
 in, but he began to stretch forth his Armes and Leggs to 
 swim ; the other which stood upon the shore, cryed out lament- 
 ably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so 
 good a fellow, and what loss his Wife and Children would 
 suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of 
 Comfort) he calls out to him in these words. Dost thou hear 
 Friend ! Friend ! if thou canst but Gaine Temple Stairis thou 
 wilt be safe, I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man 
 made reply. A pox of Gaine, I do not think of Gaine, if I 
 can but save myself, I care not. 
 
 Quidam erat. 
 
 [5.] A preaching fryar there was, who thus began. 
 The Scripture saith there was a certaine man : 
 A certaine man ? but I do read no where, 
 Of any certaine woman ^ mention'd there : 
 A certaine man, a phrase in Scripture common. 
 But no place shewes there was a Certaine Woman ; 
 And fit it is, that we should ground our faith 
 On nothing more than what the Scripture saith. 
 
 [12.] A fellow once said 
 
 He would ne're keep his Bed, 
 
 Though sick, I heard him to tell it, 
 And his Reason was. 
 Nay I know the Cause, 
 
 For he still had a mind to Sell it. 
 
 1 This is hardly warranted by fact. See Mark xii. 42 ; Luke xi. 27 ; 
 Luke xxiv. 22. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 157 
 
 [26.] A great German Prince, that was much addicted to 
 Drinking, had drank so much one day, that the next he was 
 very sick ; then his Fool came in to him and askt him, why 
 he was so melancholly ? he told him his Sickness was occasion^ 
 by drinking yesterday : Why then, says the Fool, if that be all, 
 I'll be your Physician ; that is, if you are ill with drinking one 
 day, take a Hare of the same Dog. Well, says the Prince, and 
 what the second day ? The Fool told him the same again : 
 And what the third day? the same too. And what at the 
 fourth ? Why the same. We'll come to the purpose, says he, 
 and what the fifth day ? Why Faith, says he, then you'll be 
 as arrant a Fool as I am. 
 
 Mercurius Matrimonialis 
 
 or 
 
 Chapmen for the Ladies lately 
 Offered to Sale by Way of Auction. 
 
 (procured by one of their own Sex) 
 
 [62.] I. A Country Gentleman, who has a very delicate Seat 
 between 20 and 30 Miles off London, and a very con- 
 siderable Estate, a very Proper Comely Person, but not 
 very Witty. 
 
 2. A Linnen Draper near the Stocks Market, a very hand- 
 
 some Genteel Man. 
 
 3. A Milliner on the Royal Exchange, much admired for his 
 
 Handsomness and Gentility. 
 
 4. A Clergyman near Exeter, but now in Town, a pretty Black 
 
 Man, a very good Scholar, proposes for a Joynture 
 £200 per Ann. in Free-land, 
 
 5. A Bookseller near the Exchange a very Sober Man, a Man 
 
 of a Good Trade, besides some Estate. 
 
158 Htimour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 6. A Linnen Drapers Son in Cornhill, a very pretty genteel 
 
 Man, his Father a Man of a very good Estate. 
 
 7. A Goldsmith behind the Exchange — so, so. — 
 
 8. A Miliner in Cheapside, near the end of Bread Street, very 
 
 genteel but no conjurer. 
 
 9. For the Brewers Daughter, a Lace Man in Pater Noster 
 
 Row, who loves the smell of Malt and good Ale, of 
 good heighth and Stature, and Stomach answerable. 
 
 10. A Coffee Man, well lin'd with Broad Pieces of Gold, and 
 
 has a good Trade, a Widdower, wants a Bar keeper. 
 
 11. A lusty, stout proportion'd Man, had a good Estate before 
 
 the Fire,^ and is still fit for Woman's Service. 
 
 1 2. A Bookseller's Son in Paul's Church yard, an extream 
 
 Genteel man, and of the same kidney as the Mercer in 
 Covent Garden. 
 
 1 3. A Commission Officer, full of Courage, brim full of Honour, 
 
 a well proportion'd Man, and very beautiful and yet 
 wants Money. 
 
 1 4. An Apothecary near Bread Street Hill, a very genteel Man, 
 
 a Widdower. 
 
 15. A Young Gentleman now learning to Dance, wants a Wife 
 
 to guide him, his Estate ;^iSo per Ann. 
 
 1 6. A Haberdasher's Son in Cheapside, makes a great Figure 
 
 in the World, his Education good, only wants a Wife, 
 or Place. 
 
 17. A diminutive Bookseller, very difficult in his Choice, 
 
 ;^5ooo proves a Temptation to him. 
 
 18. A Mercer upon Ludgate Hill, Kin to a good Estate, his 
 
 Trade indifferent : 
 
 19. A young Merchant, whose Estate lyes on the Carriby 
 
 Islands, if his Cargo misses the French Fleet, he makes 
 a good Joynture. 
 
 20. An Ancient Gentleman now purchasing an Estate, wants 
 
 a rich Wife to stand by him. 
 
 2 1 . A Goldsmith near the Royal Exchange, a Widdower, of a 
 
 very considerable Estate, besides a great Trade, will 
 make a good Joynture, and perhaps keep a Coach, he's 
 a very brisk Man. 
 
 ' Although this "squib" is not dated, this allusion makes it probable 
 it was written in Charles II. 's time. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 159 
 
 [51.] One Climbing of a Tree, by hap, 
 Fell downe and brake his arme. 
 And did complaine unto a friend. 
 Of his unluckie harme. 
 Would I had counsel'd you before, 
 (quoth he to whom he spake) 
 I know a tricke for Climbers, that 
 They never hurt shall take. 
 Neighbour (sayd he) I have a Sonne, 
 And he doth, use to climbe, 
 Pray let me know the same for him 
 Against another time ? 
 Why thus, (quoth he) let any man 
 That lives, climbe nere so hie. 
 And make no more haste downe, than up, 
 No harme can come thereby. 
 
 [61.] A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, 
 meeting with some of his friends at a mornings draught, told 
 his Companions that, God forgive him, he went to bed like a 
 beast last night. Why ? quoth they, were you so drunk ? No, 
 quoth he, f was so sober. 
 
 SELDOME CLEANELY' 
 
 or 
 
 A merry new Ditty, wherein you may see. 
 The tricke of a Huswife, in every degree. 
 Then lend your attention while I doe unfold 
 As pleasant a story as you have heard told. 
 To the Tune of Upon a Summers time. 
 
 [63.] Draw neere you Countrey Girles 
 and lissen unto me. 
 He tell you here a new conceit 
 concerning Huswifery, 
 concerning Huswifery. 
 
 ^ For tune, see Appendix. 
 
i6o 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Three Aunts I had of late, 
 good Huswifes all were they, 
 
 But cruell death hath taken 
 the best of them away, 
 O the best &c — 
 
 O this was one of my Aunts, 
 the best of all the three, 
 
 And surely though I say it myselfe 
 a cleanly woman was she, 
 a cleanly &c 
 
 My Uncle carelesse was 
 
 in wasting of his store. 
 Which made my Aunt to have a care 
 
 to looke about the more, 
 
 to looke &c — 
 
 When Winter time drew on 
 neere to All hollow day : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. i6i 
 
 My Aunt did cast her wits about 
 to save her Straw and Hay. 
 to save &^c — 
 
 And like a provident woman, 
 
 as plainely did apeare, 
 She starv'd her BuUockes to save her Hay, 
 
 untill another yeare. 
 O ihts was one of my Aunts, 
 
 the best of all the three 
 And surely, though I say't my self e 
 
 a provident woman was shee. 
 
 But as she went to see 
 
 her cattell in the fields ; 
 When she comes home, two pound of durt 
 
 hang dragling at her heeles. 
 O this &'c 
 
 And there she let it hang 
 
 from Candlemas to May, 
 And then shee tooke a hatchet in hand, 
 
 and chopt it cleane away. 
 O this &fc 
 
 In making ot a cheese 
 
 my Aunt shewed her cunning, 
 
 Such perfit skill shee had at will, 
 shee never used running.^ 
 
 O this &"£ 
 
 For having strain'd her milke 
 
 in turning once about, 
 Shee had the best Curd that ever you saw 
 
 by the sent ^ of the strayning clout. 
 O this dr'C 
 
 1 Rennet. " Scent. 
 
 M 
 
1 62 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Shee was the choysest Nurse 
 
 that Hved in all the West ; 
 Her face was white as the charcoal flower 
 
 so was her neck and brest. 
 O this was one of my Aunts, 
 
 the best of all the three, 
 And surely, though I say't myself e, 
 
 a cleanly good Nurse was shee. 
 
 The garments which she did weare 
 did shine like the brazen Crock, 
 
 And where she went, she bore such a sent 
 that the flyes blew in her frock. 
 
 O this dfc 
 
 My Aunt so curious was, 
 
 as I to you may tell, 
 She used to make fat puddings 
 
 in markets for to sell. 
 O this &^c 
 
 The smallest Candle end 
 my Aunt would never lose 
 
 It would helpe to make her puddings fat 
 with the droppings of her nose. 
 
 O this &=€ 
 
 Another trick she had 
 
 as I shall now declare, 
 Shee never swept the house, 
 
 about foure times a yeare. 
 O this &"€ 
 
 And when she swept the Hall, 
 
 the Parler or the Spence, 
 The dust was worth to her at least. 
 
 a shilling or 14 pence. 
 O this i^e 
 
of the Seventeenth Century 163 
 
 One day my Aunt was set 
 
 by the fier side a spinning, 
 As she knew well what was to do 
 
 to woUen or to linnen. 
 O this (s'c 
 
 A change came in her minde, 
 
 her worke being in great hast, 
 She burn'd her Tow, her Wheele and all 
 
 because she would make no wast. 
 O this (s'c 
 
 My Aunt so patient was 
 
 of this I dare be bold. 
 That with her Neighbours shee 
 
 was never knowne to scolde. 
 O this (s'c 
 
 Her lips with lothsome words 
 
 she seldome would defile, 
 But sometimes she would whisper so loud 
 
 you might heare her half a mile 
 O this &=( 
 
 Yet one condition more 
 
 unto you I will show, 
 Shee washt her dishes once a moneth, 
 
 and set them on a row. 
 O this dr'c 
 
 If other wise she had 
 
 but of a dish clout faile, 
 She would set them to the Dog to lick 
 
 and wipe them with his tayle. 
 
 this &=<: 
 
 But to conclude in hast, 
 I hold it not amisse, 
 
 1 love a cleanly huswife well 
 
 as may appeare by this. 
 
1 64 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 O this was one of my Aunts 
 the best of all the three. 
 
 And surely, though I say't myself e, 
 a cleanely woman was she. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 L. Pi 
 
 London. Printed for John Wright junior,''' dwelling at the 
 upper end of the Old Baily. 
 
 Astrology (in the middle of the seventeenth centuiy) was 
 beginning to fall into disrepute, and Butler, in Hudibras, as 
 
 well as Ben Jonson in The Alchemist, satirised unmercifully 
 both the science and its professors. The accompanying 
 engraving " The Astrologer's Bugg Beare " refers to an eclipse 
 of the sun, an event, which even at that time was considered of 
 dire portent. Take the title of one tract as a sample. '"The 
 Shepherds Prognostication, Foretelling the sad and strange 
 Eclipse of the Sun, which will happen on the 29 of March 
 1 ? Laurence Price. 2 jje published fiom 1641 to 1683. 
 
 3 Brit. Mus. Cat. — aSL 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 165 
 
 this present year 1652. which Eclipse will begin about eight 
 of the Clock in the fore noon, and so continue till past the 
 hour of eleven, which will be the dismallest day that ever was 
 known since the year 33, when our Savior Christ suffered on 
 the Crosse for the sins of Mankind, at which time the Seas 
 did roare, the earth did quake, the graves did open, the 
 temple rent from the top to the bottom, Luke 23. 45. And 
 there was a darknesse over all the Land. This Prediction also 
 foretells of many strange Presages and Passages which will 
 follow after that horrible Eclipse of the Sun, and what will 
 insue. With a perfect way whereby to avoid the insuing 
 danger. By L. P." (? Laurence Price.) And the contents 
 of the tract fully bears out its title. 
 
 But "L. P.," whoever he was, entered thoroughly into 
 the joke of the thing, and, when it was all over, wrote a book, 
 teeming with quiet satire, which was published on 9th April 
 1652, called — 
 
 The Astrologer's Bugg Beare. 
 
 [64.] In his little tract he chaffs the people most un- 
 mercifully, yet very quietly, at times so much so that one 
 might almost think it written in earnest. For instance: "A 
 Usurer that was to receive money of a country man that was 
 his debter on that day, durst not to venter fourth of his 
 house; by which meanes the man rid forth out of London 
 and paid not in his moneyes, for which cause the Usurer was 
 about to cut his own throat, and had don it, if he had not bin 
 prevented by some of his Neighboures. 
 
 Some other Christians were so fearefull of what would 
 befall, that they sent their maids two dayes before Black 
 monday for to fetch in faire water in a redynesse to wash, 
 fearing that the ayre would infect the water. 
 
 Some tooke Medicines, Pils, and Antidotes, which was 
 administred unto them by a supposed out landish doctor, 
 which he had set bils for in severall places, caling his 
 Medicines, an Antidote against the tirrible Eclipes of the 
 Sun, so he got money, and they went' away as wise as wood- 
 cockes." 
 
1 66 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Ben Jonson, in " The Alchemist " gives a very vivid and 
 amusing picture of an astrologer and his gulL Act i, 
 Scene 3. Subtle (the astrologer), Face (his agent), Drugger 
 (a tobacconist). 
 
 [65.] Subtle. What is your name, say yoM, Abel Drugger ? 
 
 Drugger. Yes Sir, 
 
 Sub. A Seller of Tobacco ? 
 
 Dru. Yes, Sir 
 
 Sub. 'Umh, 
 
 Free of the Grocers ? ^ 
 
 Dru. I, and't please you. 
 
 Sub. Well, 
 
 Your business Abel? 
 
 Dru. This, and't please your Worship, 
 
 I am a yong beginner, and am building 
 Of a new shop, and't like your worship, just 
 At Corner of a Street : (Here's the plot on't.) 
 And I would know, by art, Sir, of your Worship, 
 Which way I should make my dore, by Necromancie. 
 And where my Shelves. And which should be for Boxes, 
 And which for Potts. I would be glad to thrive, Sir, 
 And, I was wish'd to your Worship by a Gentleman, 
 One Captaine Face, that say's you know mens Planets, 
 And their good Angels, and their bad. 
 
 Sub. I doe 
 
 If I do see 'hem.^ 
 
 Face. What! my honest .(4^i?/? 
 
 Thou art well met here. 
 
 Dru. Troth, Sir, I was speaking 
 
 Just as your Worship came here, of your Worship. 
 I pray you, speake for me to M"' Doctor. 
 
 Face. He shall doe anything. Doctor, doe you heare ? 
 This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow. 
 
 Sub. H'is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on. 
 
 ' Company. 
 
 ^ A play upon the word. Subtle meaning the gold coin called an 
 Angel, value los. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 167 
 
 Face. Already, Sir, ha' you found it? Lo' the Ahel! 
 
 Sub. And in right way to'ward riches. 
 
 Face. Sir ! 
 
 Sub. This Summer 
 
 He will be of the Clothing 1 of his Company. 
 And, next spring, call'd to the Scarlet.^ Spend what 
 he can. 
 
 Face. What, and so little Beard ? 
 
 Sub. Sir, you must thinke. 
 
 He may have a receipt to make hayre come. 
 But he'll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine ^ for't. 
 His fortune lookes for him, another way. 
 
 Face. 'Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soone ? 
 I am amus'd at that ! 
 
 Sub. By a rule, Captayne 
 
 In Metaposcopie which I doe worke by, 
 A certaine Starre i' the forehead, which you see not. 
 Your Chest-nut, or your Olive colourd face 
 Do's never fayle ; and your long Eare doth promise. 
 I knew't, by certaine spotts too, in his teeth. 
 And on the nayle of his Mercurial finger. 
 
 Face. Which finger's that ? 
 
 Sub. His little finger, Looke. 
 
 Yo' were borne upon a Wensday. 
 
 Drug. Yes, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Sub. The Thumbe, in Chiromantie, we give Venus ; 
 The Fore-finger to love ; the Midst, to Saturne ; 
 The Ring to Sol, the Least to Mercurie, 
 Who was the Lord, Sir, of his Horoscope, 
 His House of Life being Libra. Which foreshew'd 
 He should be a Marchant, and should trade with 
 Ballance. 
 
 Face. Why, this is strange ! Is't not, honest Nab ? 
 
 Sub. There is a Ship now, comming from Ormu's, 
 That shall yeeld him such a Commoditie 
 Of Drugs. This is the West, and this the South ? 
 
 Drug. Yes Sir. 
 
 ' i.e. be made a liveryman. ^ Made sheriff. 
 
 3 Pay the penalty instead of serving. 
 
1 68 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Sub. And those are your two sides ! 
 
 Drug. I; Sir. 
 
 Sub. Make me your Dore, then, South; your broad side, 
 West; 
 And, on the East-side of your shop, aloft. 
 Write Mathlaj, Tarmiel, and Baraborat ; 
 Upon the North-part Rael, Velel, Thiel, 
 These are the names of those Mercurtufi Spirits, 
 That doe fright flyes from boxes. 
 
 Bmg. Yes Sir, 
 
 Sub. And 
 
 Beneath your threshold, bury me a Loade stone 
 To draw in Gallants that weare spurres ; The rest 
 Theyll seeme to follow." 
 
 In this play, too, Alchemy is scarified, as is also the 
 Puritanism of the age. 
 
 [12.] A very drunken Sot 
 
 The Hickock had got. 
 Cause he drank Rosa So/is and A^ua Vita ; 
 Such Latine drink that he 
 Declines Hie, Hoc, very free, 
 But such English words as wou'd fright ye. 
 
 [52.] A poore man travelling from door to door a begging, 
 being lately come from Paris, a City in France, being invited 
 by hunger to a good simple Country Swain's doore, to aske 
 his almes ; his wife asked him what he was, and from whence 
 he came? Quoth the fellow, from Paris. From Paradise 
 (quoth she) then thou knowest my old John there (meaning 
 her former husband) I, quoth the fellow, that I doe. I pray 
 thee (quoth she) how doth he doe ? Faith (quoth the fellow) 
 poore, he hath meat and drinke enough, but wants cloathes 
 and mony. Alas, quoth she, I am sory for it, I pray thee 
 stay a little ; and, running up into her Chamber, fetcht downe 
 her husbands new sute of cloathes, and five shillings in mony, 
 and gave it to the fellow, saying, I pray thee remember me to 
 my poore John, and give him this sute of clothes, and five 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 169 
 
 shillings from me, and wrapt them up in a Fardle,^ which the 
 fellow took, and away he went. Presently her husband came 
 home, and found her very pleasant and merry, singing up and 
 downe the house, which she seldome used to doe, and he 
 asked her the cause. Oh, husband, quoth she, I have heard 
 from my old John to-day, he is in Paradise, and is very well, 
 but wants clothes and mony, but I have sent him thy best 
 sute, and five shillings in mony. Her husband seeing she 
 was cozened, enquired of her which way the fellow went that 
 had them. Yonder way, quoth she : he presently took his 
 best horse, Hob, and rode after him for the clothes. The 
 fellow seeing one ride so fast after him, threw the clothes into 
 a ditch, and went softly forward ; her husband overtaking the 
 fellow, said, Didst not see one go this way with a little fardle 
 of clothes at his back? Yes, quoth the fellow, he is newly 
 gone into yonder little Wood: Oh, hold my horse, quoth he, 
 whilst I runne in and finde him out. I will, quoth the fellow, 
 who presently, as soon as he was gone into the wood, took up 
 his fardell, leapt on horseback, and away he went : The Man 
 returning for his horse, his horse was gone ; then going home 
 to his wife, she asked him if he overtook the fellow. I, sweet 
 heart, quoth he, and I have lent him my best horse to ride 
 on, for it is a great long way to Paradise. Truly, husband, 
 quoth she, and I shall love thee the better so long as I live, 
 for making so much of my old John. Which caused much 
 good laughter to all that heard it. 
 
 [5.] Tom vow'd to beat his boy against the wall. 
 And as he strucke, he forth-with caught a fall : 
 The boy deriding said, I doe averre, 
 Y'have done a thing, you cannot stand to, Sir. 
 
 [32.] What is that goeth about the wood and cannot get in? 
 Solution. It is the bark of a tree, for never is the bark 
 within the tree, but alwayes without. 
 ' A bundle. 
 
I'JO 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The country-mans lamentation for the 
 death of his cow. 
 
 A Country Swain, of little wit, one day, 
 Did kill his Cow, because she went astray ; 
 What's that to I or You, she was his own. 
 But now the Ass for his Cow doth moan : 
 Most piteously methink he cries in vain, 
 For now his Cow's free from hunger and pain : 
 What ails the fool to make so great a stir. 
 She cannot come to him, he may to her. 
 
 To a pleasant Country Tune, called Colly my Ccrw. 
 
 [66.] Little Tom Dogget 
 
 what dost thou mean. 
 To kill thy poor Colly, 
 
 now she's so lean : 
 Sing Oh poor Colly, 
 
 Colly my Cow, 
 For Colly will give me 
 
 no more milk now. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 171 
 
 Pruh high, pruh hoe, 
 
 Pruh high, pruh, hoe, 
 
 Pruh, Pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, 
 
 Tal lal daw. 
 
 I had better have kept her, 
 
 till fatter she had been. 
 For now I confess, 
 
 she's a little too lean : 
 Sing Oh ^fc — 
 
 First in comes the Tanner, 
 
 with his Sword by his side, 
 And he bids me five Shillings, 
 
 for my Cow's Hide : 
 Sing Oh is'C 
 
 Then in comes the Tallow Chandler, 
 whose brains were but shallow, 
 
 And he bids me two and Six-pence, 
 for my Cows Tallow : 
 
 Sing Oh &"€ 
 
 Then in comes the Huntsman 
 
 so early in the Morn, 
 He bid me a Penny 
 
 for my Cow's horn : 
 Sing Oh &=€ 
 
 Then in comes the Tripe-Woman 
 
 so fine and so neat. 
 She bid me three halfpence 
 
 for my Cow's feet ; 
 Sing Oh &"€ — 
 
 Then in comes the Butcher 
 
 that nimble tongu'd Youth 
 Who said she was Carrion, 
 
 but he spoke not the truth : 
 Sing Oh &fc 
 
172 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 This Cow had a Skin 
 was as soft as the silk, 
 
 And three times a day 
 
 my poor Cow would give Milk : 
 
 Sing Oh Ss'c — 
 
 She every year 
 
 a fine Calf me did bring, 
 
 Which fetcht me a pound, 
 for it came in the spring : 
 
 Sing Oh S^c 
 
 But now I have kill'd her, 
 
 I can't her recall, 
 I will sell my poor Colly, 
 
 hide, horns and all : 
 Sing Oh ^'c 
 
 The Butcher shall have her, 
 though he gives but a pound ; 
 
 And he knows in his heart 
 that my Colly was sound ; 
 
 Sing Oh ^c 
 
 And when he has bought her, 
 let him sell all together, 
 
 The flesh for to eat, 
 
 and the hide for leather : 
 
 Sing Oh Ss'c — 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for C. Passinger, at the seven stars in the 
 New Buildings on London-bridge — 
 
 [r;.] A Miser having a sheep stolen from him, by a poor 
 man, would needs send him to Prison, saying there was not 
 so damn'd a Rogue in the World ; Pray, Sir, said he, remember 
 yourself, and be good to me — 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 173 
 
 [12.] A Glass, when a G 
 
 Is took away, I.C. 
 Is a Lass, I mean of the Game, 
 
 Put L too away. 
 
 What is't then, I pray, 
 Why, an Ass, and you are the same. 
 
 [4.] A Nobleman having a mind to be merry, sent for 
 his Chaplain, and told him, That, unless he could resolve 
 him these three Questions, he should be discarded, and 
 turn'd out of his Service ; but if he cou'd, he shou'd have 
 Thirty Guinneys, and the best Horse in his Stable ; So he 
 propos'd the Questions to him, which were these ; First, what 
 compass the World was about 'i Secondly, How deep the Sea 
 was ? And Thirdly, What he thought f The Poor Chaplain 
 was in a peck of Troubles, and did not know how to answer 
 them, or what to say, thinking them very unreasonable 
 Questions; so that all he could do was to desire a little 
 time to consider upon them, which the Earl granted. So he 
 going along the Fields one day very melancholy, a Cobler 
 of the Town, a Merry Fellow (who was very like the Chaplain, 
 both in Physiognomy and Stature) met him, and ask'd him 
 the reason of his sadness; which with some Reluctancy he 
 told him : O Sir, says the Cobler, don't be dejected, chear 
 up ; I've thought of a device to save your Place, and get 
 you the Money and Horse too ; but you shall give me Ten 
 Guinneys for my pains. So he agreed to't ; and it was thus : 
 Says he, I'll put on your Cloaths, and go to My Lord, and 
 answer his Questions. Accordingly he went, and when he 
 came before him, he answer'd him thus : To the first Question, 
 What Compass the World was about 1 He answered. It was 
 four and twenty hours Journey ; and if a man could keep pace 
 with the Sun, he could easily go it in that time. To the Second, 
 How deep the Sea was ? He answer'd Only a stone's throw ; 
 for cast it into the deepest place of it, and in tiitu it will come 
 to the bottom. To the third (which I fancy your Lordship 
 thinks the most difficult to be resolv'd, but is indeed the 
 easiest) which is ; What your Lordship thinks i I answer. 
 That you think I am your Chaplain, when as indeed I am but 
 
1 74 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 the Cobler of Gloucester. The Nobleman was so pleas'd with 
 his witty Answers, that he perform'd his Promise to his Chap- 
 lain, and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity. 
 
 [51.] An aged Gentleman sore sick did lie. 
 
 Expecting life, that could not chuse but die : 
 
 His Foole came to him, and intreated thus. 
 
 Good Maister, ere you goe away from us, 
 
 Bestowe on Jacke (that oft hath made you laffe) 
 
 Against he waxeth old, your Walking-Staflfe,— 
 
 I will, (quoth he) goe take it, there it is : 
 
 But on condition, Jacke, which shall be this, 
 
 If thou doe meete with any while thou live, 
 
 More foole than thou, the Staffe thou shalt him give. 
 
 Maister, (sayd he) upon my life I will ; 
 
 But I doe hope that I shall keepe it still. 
 
 When Death drew neere, and faintness did proceed, 
 
 His Maister called for a Devine with speed. 
 
 For to prepare him unto Heaven's way. 
 
 The Foole starts up, and hastily did say. 
 
 Oh Maister, Maister, take your Staffe againe. 
 
 That proove your selfe the most Foole of us twaine ; 
 
 Have you now liv'd some foure-score yeares and odd, 
 
 And all this time, are unprepared for God : 
 
 What greater Foole can any meete withall. 
 
 Than one that's ready in the Grave to fall. 
 
 And is to seeke about his soules estate, 
 
 When Death is op'ning of the Prison Gate ? 
 
 Beare Witnesse friends, that I discharge me plaine ; 
 
 Heere Maister, heere, receive your Staffe againe : 
 
 Upon the same condition I did take it. 
 
 According as you will'd me, I forsake it : 
 
 And over and above, I will bestow, 
 
 This Epitaph, which shall your folly show. 
 
 Heere lyes a man, at death did Heaven clayme. 
 But in his life, he never sought the same. 
 
 [26.] A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady, that 
 was a Person of Quality, did much long for Oysters, she then 
 
of the Seventeenth Centtiry. 175 
 
 sent a Foot-man of hers, that was an Irish Man, to the said 
 Lady with a Barrel of Oysters, and as he was going, he met 
 an Arch Wag by the way, who askt him whither he was 
 going ? Then he told him : " O. Donniel, says he, you must 
 gut them before you go, or else they will Poyson the Lady ; 
 I Predde,^ says he, show me how to do it. So the Fellow 
 took them and opened them, and took out all the Oysters 
 and put them into a Wooden Dish that was by, and then 
 put all the Shells again into the Barrell : Now, says he, you 
 may carry them, for they are all gutted: E. Faitj^ said Donniel, 
 for this kindness, I'll give thee a pint of Wine out of the Vails 
 that I shall have of my Lady : but I know not how they 
 were accepted. 
 
 [12.] A man found his Wife 
 
 To be idle all her Life, 
 Then he beat her very sore ; 
 
 I did nothing, says she, 
 
 I know it, says he, 
 Which makes me to beat you therefore. 
 
 [32.] What is that no man would have, and yet when he 
 hath it, will not forgoe it ? 
 
 Solution. It is a broken head, or such Uke, for no man 
 would gladly have a broken head, and yet when he hath it, 
 he would be loth to loose his head, though it be broken. 
 
 [5.] To be indebted is a shame men say 
 Then 'tis confessing of a shame to pay. 
 
 On a certaine present sent from an A rchbishop 
 to his friend. 
 
 [67.] Mittitur in Disco, mihi Piscis ab Archiepisco 
 Po non ponetur, quia potum non mihi detur. 
 
 Englished thus. 
 There was in a dish, sent me a fish, from an Arch bish 
 Hop I will not put heere, because hee sent me noe beere. 
 ' Ay, prithee. 2 I'faith. 
 
176 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 NEWES FROM MORE-LANE. 
 
 or 
 A mad, knavish, and uncivil Frolick of a Tapster 
 dwelling there, who buying a fat Coult for Eighteen 
 pence, the Mare being dead and he not knowing how 
 to bring the Coult up by hand, killed it, and had it 
 baked in a Pastie, and invited many of his Neighbours 
 to the Feast and telling of them what it was : the 
 Conceit thereof made them all Sick, as by the following 
 ditty you shall hear. 
 
 The Tapster fil'd the Cup up to the brim, 
 And all to make the little Coult to swim ; 
 But all that heares it sayes that for his gaine, 
 He is no better than a Wagg in graine. 
 
 The Tune is, A Health to the best of Men. 
 
 [68.] There is a Tapster in More lane 
 
 that did a Pasty make, 
 All People doe of him complaine, 
 
 now for his grosse mistake : 
 Hee instead of Venson fine 
 
 a good fat Coult did kill, 
 And put in store of Clarret Wine, 
 
 his humour to fullfill. 
 
 A Peck of Flower at the least, 
 
 with six pound of Butter, 
 Hee made his Nighbours such a Feast 
 
 and bid them all to supper : 
 A curious fine fat Colt it was, 
 
 and handled daintily : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 The Tapster prov'd himself an Asse, 
 for this his knavery. 
 
 Likewise there was a Baker too, 
 
 that lived in that place, 
 And he was a pertaker too, 
 
 I speak in his disgrace : 
 For he found Flower to make it, 
 
 I speak not in his praise, 
 And afterwards did bake it, 
 
 his knavery for to raise. 
 
 177 
 
 Likewise there was a Carman too 
 
 and he found Butter for it, 
 But when the Knavery Neighbours knew 
 
 they could not but abhor it ; 
 And then there was a Cooke, Sir, 
 
 at More gate doth he dwell. 
 And he then under tooke. Sir, 
 
 to make the Pasty well. 
 
 Some sayit eate as mellow then 
 
 as any little chick, 
 But I tell thee, good-fellow ; then 
 
 it made the Neighbours sick : 
 
 N 
 
1 78 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The Tapster had his humour, 
 
 but the Neighbours had the worst, 
 
 Yet I doe hear they had good Beere 
 and dainty Pastry crust. 
 
 Then every joviall Blade, Sir, 
 
 that lived in that place. 
 Their Money freely paid, Sir, 
 
 they scorned to be bace : 
 They cal'd for Beere, likewise for Ale 
 
 because the Coult should swim. 
 And of the Cup they would not faile, 
 
 but fil'd it to the brim. 
 
 The Car-mans Wife cry'd out and said 
 
 troath 'tis good Meat indeed, 
 So likewise said the Chamber-maid, 
 
 when she on it did feed. 
 The Tapster bid them welcome then, 
 
 and Wea-Hae did he cry 
 You are all welcome, Gentlemen, 
 
 you'r welcome hartily. 
 
 The Glover's Wife was in a heat, 
 
 and did both pout and mump, 
 Because they would not let her eat 
 
 the Buttock and the Rump. 
 As for the merry Weaver's Wife, 
 
 I will give her her due. 
 She spent her Coyne to end the strife 
 
 among that joviall Crew. 
 
 This Colt was not so wholsome though 
 
 as was a good fat Hogg, 
 Yet one came in and told the crew 
 
 it was a mangie Dogg ! 
 But he that told them was to blame, 
 
 and was but a silly Dolt, 
 The Tapster bid him peace for Shame 
 
 for 'twas a good fat Colt. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 179 
 
 The Colt he cost me eighteen pence, 
 
 the Tapster he did say, 
 I hope good Folks 'ere you goe hence, 
 
 you for your Meate will pay. 
 Pox take you for a Rogue quoth one, 
 
 another, he fel'd oaks, 
 Another said he was undone ! 
 
 'twas worse than Harty Choaks. 
 
 The Porter he did give nine pence 
 
 to have it in a Pye, 
 The People ere they went from thence 
 
 did feed most hartily : 
 It was the joviall Baker, 
 
 and knavish Tapster too. 
 The Car-man was pertaker 
 
 was not this a Joviall crew. 
 
 The Potecary he was there, 
 
 Farr and the Sexton too, 
 The Tapster put them in great fear, 
 
 he made them for to spue. 
 Now was not this a knave ingrain, 
 
 to use his Neighbours so. 
 When knaves are scarce, hee'l go for twain, 
 
 good People, what think you. 
 
 The Tapster he came in at last, 
 
 and gave the People vomits, 
 I hope, (quoth he,) the worst is past, 
 
 I have eased your foule Stomacks : 
 Wea-hea cry'd the Tapster then, 
 
 how doe you like my sport, 
 The Women said, so did the Men, 
 
 the Devill take you for't. 
 
 At Brainford as I heard some say 
 
 a mangie Dog was eate : 
 This was not halfe so bad as that, 
 
 and yet the fault was great : 
 
1 80 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Men of good fashon then was there 
 
 that went both fine and brave 
 Now all do say, that this doth heare, 
 
 the Tapster is a knave. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 London, Printed for William Gammon, and to be sould in 
 Smithfield. 
 
 [61.] There fell a great dispute h^i-msX. Jockey a Scotchman, 
 sxiAJenkin a Welch man, and the subject of it was about the 
 fruitfullnesse of their Countries, and thus Jockey began. There 
 was not a braver, fruitfuller Country in the world than Leith in 
 Scotland: The Welch man answered him again, Picot, that 
 was false, for there was no place so full of all sorts of fruite, 
 as was in Wales. Jockey replyed again, that he knew a piece 
 of ground in Scotland where the grass grew up so suddenly 
 that if you throw a Staff in it over night, in that time the 
 pasture would so over grow it, that you could not see it again 
 the next morning. But Jenkin hearing this, with a great 
 Scorne made him this answer, Py Saint Taffe that the 
 throwing so small a thing as a Staff was nothing, for (quoth 
 Shinkin) we have divers pieces of Cround in our Contry, that 
 if you turn your Horse into them, you shall not see him next 
 Morning. 
 
 [12.] Why do Men not agree 
 
 With their Wives now we see 
 Men now are more Learn'd, and do brawl ; 
 Tis false Concord we see 
 For the Masculine to agree 
 With the Feminine Gender at all. 
 
 [26.] Says a Fellow that had lost one of his Ears at 
 Newcastle, for no goodness 'tis thought ; when one told him a 
 Story, 'Tis in at one ear and out at t'other. By my truth, 
 says the other, then there's a great deal of wonder in the 
 travel of these Tales, for thy two Ears be two hundred Miles 
 asunder. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. i8i 
 
 [52.] A Certaine Gentleman in Lincolneshire, being also a 
 Justice of Peace, had an old servant many yeares called Adam 
 Milford, who upon a time came unto his Master, and desired 
 him, in regard that he had been his servant so many yeares, 
 hee would now give him somthing to help him in his old age. 
 Thou sayest true, quoth his Master, and I will tell thee what 
 I \vill doe. Now shortly am I to ride up to London ; if thou 
 wilt pay my costs & charges by the way, I will give thee, ere 
 long, such a thing as shall be worth to thee an hundred pounds. 
 I am content, quoth Adam, and so payed for all their reckoning 
 by the way. Being" come to London, hee put his Master in 
 mind of his former promise that he had made to him. What 
 did I promise thee anything? Yes, quoth Adam, that you 
 did ; for you said you would give me that which should be 
 worth to me an hundred pounds, for bearing your Charges to 
 London. Let me see your writing, quoth his Master. I have 
 none, quoth Adam. Then thou art like to have nothing, 
 quoth his Master; And leame this of me, that when thou 
 makest a bargain with any man, looke thou take a Writing, 
 and beware how thou makest a Writing to any man. This 
 hath availed me an hundred pounds in my dayes. When 
 Adam saw there was no remedy, he was content ; but when 
 they should depart Adam stayed behind his Master to reckon 
 with his Hostis, and on his Master's Scarlet cloake borrowed 
 so much mony, as came to all their charges he had laid out 
 by the way. His Master had not ridden past two miles, but 
 it began to raine apace : wherefore he called for his cloake. 
 His other men made answer that Adam was behinde, and had 
 it with him. So they shrowded them under a tree, till Adam 
 came. When he came, his Master said all angerly, Thou 
 knave, come give me my cloak : hast thou not served me 
 well, to let me be thus wet ? Truely, Sir, (quoth Adam) I 
 have laid it to pawne for all your charges by the way. Why, 
 knave, quoth he, didst thou not promise me to beare my 
 charges to London? Did I? quoth Adam; I, quoth his 
 Master, that thou didst. Let's see, shew me your writing of 
 it, quoth Adam. Whereupon, his Master perceiving he was 
 over-reacht by his man, was fain to send for his cloak againe, 
 and pay the money. 
 
1 82 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 There was a singular mania in this century for chrono- 
 grams, or mailing up dates out of words, which will be best 
 explained in the annexed example. Jas. Hilton, Esq., has 
 by dint of vast trouble and research, been enabled to collect a 
 large quantity of these, and his book^ (of which only a very 
 limited number were printed) will well repay the perusal of the 
 curious. 
 
 Chronogramma. Anno 1628. obiit 
 GeorglYs DVX £YCklnghaMlce 
 
 [67.] Malignant characters that did portend 
 
 Duke-murthering Fate & his untimely end, 
 Constrain'd to die, that would have liv'd & fought 
 Xantippus like, but that fell Felton brought 
 Vncertaine quick ^ to a certaine end. 
 Vaine are designes, where one doth of his freind 
 Vsurpe too much, him you doe countermine 
 In breife the world applaudes this last designe. 
 It was his death, but now hee's dead & gone 
 111 having heard of many, felt but one. 
 
 The date 1628 can be easily made by adding the Roman 
 numerals, which are represented by the capital letters. 
 
 [5.] All things have savour, though some very small. 
 Nay, a box on the eare hath no smell at all. 
 
 [17.] One having a scoulding Wife, swore he would drown 
 himself She followed him desiring him to forbear, or at least 
 to let her speak with him. Speak quickly then, says he : 
 Pray Husband, if you will needs drown your self, take my 
 counsel to goe into a deep place ; for it would grieve my 
 heart to see you long a dying; with that the Fellow came 
 back again and went to the Indies. 
 
 [52.] Coomes of Stapforth hearing that his wife was drowned 
 
 comming from market went with certaine of his friends to 
 
 see if they could finde her in the River ; he, contrary to all 
 
 1- Brit. Mus. Catalogue, 11905, a. a. 8. Hilton, Jas., Chronograms; 
 Lend., 1882, 8vo. 2 Lifg_ 
 
of the Sevenieenik Century. 183 
 
 the rest, sought his wife against the streame : which, they per- 
 ceiving, said, He lookt the wrong way. And why so ? (quoth 
 he) Because (quoth they) you should look down the streame, 
 and not against it. Nay (quoth he) I shall never finde her 
 that way : for she did all things so Contrary in her lifetime, 
 that now she is dead, I am sure she will goe against the 
 streame. 
 
 [12.] I've known many men 
 
 Know each other now and then 
 Yet never the knowledge could get 
 Of any Man before 
 Though known many a score, 
 That ever knew himself yet. 
 
 [4.] Doctor Fuller overtook one M"^ Woodcock upon the 
 Road, falling into Discourse in a facetious manner, ask'd him 
 what difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl, 
 (supposing Mr Woodcock had not known him). He wittily 
 replyed, That an Owl was Fuller in the Head, Fuller in the 
 Face, Fuller in the Eyes, Fuller in the Neck, and Fuller all 
 over. 
 
 On Anne Angel marrying a Lawyer. 
 
 [67.] Anne is an Angel, but what if she bee. 
 What is an Angel, but a Lawyer's fee. 
 
 [67.] A Welchman walking in y« darke for feare 
 
 Some wall might hitte his face a box o' th' eare, 
 Strecht out his armes, y' if such danger Came, 
 His hands might from his face avert y= same. 
 At last betwixt his armes there came a post. 
 Which hitte his nose, and stroke him downe almost ; 
 Pluter of nayles, quoth he, I did not know 
 My nose was longer than my armes till now. 
 
 The accompanying illustration is taken for _ its quaint- 
 ness and as an example of caricature, the tract itself hardly 
 repaying perusal. 
 
1 84 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [69.] No-Body — Why do'st thou father all thy Lies 
 On Me ? heaping Indignities 
 On one that never injured thee 1 
 Some-Body — My Words and Ads hurt No-Body ; 
 No-Body — Som-Body hath belied me much, 
 
 No-Body swe hath cause to grutch. 
 
 [52.] A certain rich Farmer having lain long sick in Norfolk, 
 at last sent for a Physitian from the next Market Towne : who 
 when he came, he felt his pulses, and viewed his water, & 
 then told them, That he could by no means, nor physick 
 escape, the disease had so much power in his body, and so 
 went his way. Within a while after, by God's good help (who 
 is the only giver of all health) the man escaped and was well 
 againe, and walking abroad, being still very weak and feeble, 
 he met with his Physitian, who, being very sore afraid to see 
 him, asks him, if he were' not such a Farmer ; Yes, truely 
 (quoth he) I am : Art thou alive or dead ? (quoth he) Dead 
 (quoth he) I am ; and because I have experience of many 
 things, God hath sent me to take up all Physitians I can get : 
 which made the Physitian quiver and quake, and looke as 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 185 
 
 pale as ashes for feare. Nay feare not quoth the Farmer, 
 though I named all the Physitians, yet I meant thee for none : 
 for I am sure a verier dunce lives not this day, than thou art ; 
 and then I should be a foole to take thee for one, that art 
 more fit to give dogges physicke than men, and so he left 
 him : but the Physitian never left quaking till he was out of 
 his Patients Sight 
 
 To my Booke-seller. 
 
 [70.] Thou that mak'st gaine thy end, and wisely well, 
 
 Call'st a booke good, or bad, as it doth sell. 
 Use mine so, too ; I give thee leave. But crave 
 
 For the luck's sake, it this much favour have. 
 To lye upon thy stall, till it be sought ; 
 
 Not offer'd, as it made sute to be bought ; 
 Nor have my title-leafe on posts, or walls. 
 
 Or in cleft-sticks, advanced to make calls 
 For termers,^ or some clarke-like serving-man. 
 
 Who scarse can spell th' hard names ; whose knight 
 lesse can. 
 If, without these vile arts, it will not sell. 
 
 Send it to Bucklers-bury^ there 'twill, well. 
 
 [61.] Two gentlemen met upon the Road, betwixt Ware 
 and London, the one was a wild young Gallant who had more 
 means than Manners, the other a very grave discreet and 
 temperate Citizen of London; who considering his own yeares, 
 conceived that the younger man would give him the way, and 
 by continuing his speed resolved to trye the young Gallants 
 manners, until their Horses heads met. But the young fellow 
 crost expectation, and uncivilly demanded his way of the 
 
 1 Nares defines thus, " Termer, a person, whether male or female, 
 who resorted to London in term time only, for the sake of tricks to be 
 practised or intrigues to be carried on at that period;" as in Decker's Belman, 
 " Some of these boothalers are called termers, and they ply Westminster 
 Hall ; Michaelmas term is their harvest, and they sweat in it harder than 
 reapers doe at their works in the heat of summer. " 
 
 ^ To wrap up spices or drugs. We should now say, " Send it to the 
 butterman." 
 
1 86 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 elder ; who replyed, Sir, since you will dispute it, I must tell 
 you, according to the rules of Civility, the Elder in our 
 Country have alwayes the way of their Younger : But the bold 
 Upstart answered him again, that his Horse would not give 
 way to a Foole. To which the old man replyed. But my 
 Horse will, and so resigned the way to my gallant. 
 
 [i2.] A Man in a Hall, 
 
 His Dogg Cuckold did call ; 
 
 Says a Woman stood by, 'tis a shame 
 To calle a Dogg so. 
 For I'de have you to know 
 
 'Tis a Christian bodies name. 
 
 [17.] A Lady was bragging that she had overthrown her 
 Enemy in Law : One of her Servants standing by, said, He 
 took a wrong Sow by the ear, when he meddled with your 
 Ladyship. 
 
 [17.] In a great Corporation in England, the Serjeants ^ 
 desired the Mayor they might have Gowns as formerly, for 
 which they had a president : ^ Gowns, says the Mayor, and 
 why not Coats? So caUing for a pair^ of Cards, said he 
 could cut off that Custom by a president also : he shewed 
 them the four Kings and four Queens in Gowns, but the four 
 Knaves all in short Coats. 
 
 [5.] Who woes a wife, thinks wedded men do know 
 The onely true content, I thinke not so ; 
 If Woe in wooers bee, that women court. 
 As the word Woe in wooers doth import ; 
 And Woe in woemen too, that Courted be, 
 As the word Woe in women we doe see. 
 
 1 These must not be confounded with that awful being, now legally 
 extinct, a "Serjeant learned in the Law;" but meant tipstaves, or 
 Serjeants of the mace. ^ Precedent. 3 a. pack. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 187 
 
 A Merry Dialogue between 
 
 Thomas and "John. 
 
 in the praise and dispraise of Women and Wine. 
 
 Thomas against the Women doth contend, 
 But John most stoutly doth their cause defend ; 
 Young and old read these lines that ensue, 
 You'l all confess that what I write is true, 
 I know no reason but that without dispute 
 This may as well be printed as sung to a Lute. 
 
 To a gallant delightful new Tune, well known among Musitioners, and in 
 Play-houses : Called Women and Wine. 
 
 Thomas 
 
 [71.] Some Women are like to the Wine, 
 
 like the Sea, and like the Rocks, 
 But they that proves them soon may find 'em 
 
 like the Wine and Weathercocks. 
 But if you'l believe me, 
 
 i'le tell you true 
 What light Women are likeunto, 
 Wine, Women and Wine, 
 
 thus you may compare them too. 
 
 John 
 
 Women most Constant Men doth find, 
 not like the Sea, but like the Rocks, 
 
 They are evermore loving and kind, 
 not like the Wine and Weather Cocks 
 
 But if &'c 
 
i88 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thomas 
 Women have hooks, and women have crooks, 
 
 so hath the Wine, so hath the Wine, 
 Which draws great Lawyers from their books 
 
 more than the Wine, more than the Wine. 
 But if &=€ 
 
 John 
 
 Women have beauty and fair looks, 
 So hath the Wine, so hath the Wine, 
 
 Far surpassing the Lawyers books 
 
 more than the Wine, more than the Wine. 
 
 But ifyou'l believe me 
 
 Vie tell you true 
 What good Women are like unto, 
 Wine Wine, Women and Wine, 
 
 thus may you compare them too. 
 
 Thomas 
 Women are Witches when they may 
 
 so is the Wine, so is the Wine, 
 Which causeth men from their Wives to stray, 
 
 so will the ^Vine, so will the Wine. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 189 
 
 But ifyo7i't ielieve me 
 
 Vie tell you true 
 What light Women are like unto. 
 Wine, Wine, Women and Wine, 
 
 thus may you compare them too. 
 
 John 
 
 Women are witty when they may, 
 
 so is not Wine, so is not Wine, 
 And causeth Men at home to stay, 
 
 so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine. 
 But if &=€ 
 
 Thomas 
 
 Women have arms for to imbrace, 
 
 more than the Wine, more than the Wine, 
 
 Which brings brave Gallants to disgrace, 
 so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine. 
 
 Btit if &?c 
 
 John 
 
 Women most sweetly do imbrace 
 
 more than the Wine, more than the Wine, 
 
 And save their Husbands from disgrace, 
 so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine. 
 
 But if &=£ 
 
 Thomas 
 
 Women's tongues are like sharp swords, 
 
 so is the Wine, so is the Wine, 
 Which urgeth men to swear damn'd Oaths, 
 
 so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine. 
 But if &'c 
 
 John " 
 
 Women's tongues do speak sweet Words, 
 
 so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine ; 
 They can persuade from damned Oaths, 
 
 so will not Wine, so will not Wine. 
 Biit if S^c 
 
1 90 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Tliomas 
 
 Women they do use to change, 
 
 so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine, 
 And often times abroad will range 
 
 when Sun doth shine, when Sun doth shine. 
 But if &'c 
 
 John 
 
 Good Women they will never change, 
 
 so will the Wine, so will the Wine, 
 For profit they abroad will range. 
 
 Hail, Rain or Shine, Hail Rain or Shine. 
 But if S^c 
 
 Thomas 
 
 Women they will fight and brawl, 
 
 fiU'd with Wine, fill'd with Wine, 
 Their Husbands they will Cuckolds call, 
 
 inflam'd with Wine, inflam'd with Wine. 
 But if dr'C 
 
 John 
 
 Good Women they will comfort all, 
 
 like the best Wine, like the best Wine, 
 Whatever Sorrow doth befall, 
 
 so will good Wine, so will good Wine. 
 But if you' I believe me, 
 
 i'le tell you true. 
 What good Women are like unto, 
 Wine, Wine, Women and Wine, 
 
 thus you may compare them to. 
 
 Printed for J. Williamson,^ at the Sun and Bible in Cannon Street 
 near London Stone. 
 
 [17.] A Welch man in heat of blood, challenged an English- 
 man at Sword and Buckler ; but the Englishman giving him 
 a lusty blow on the leg which vext him, he threw down his 
 Weapon, swearing Splut, was not her Buckler broad enough, 
 but her must hit her on the leg ? 
 
 ^ Published in 1665. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. igi 
 
 [52.] A Bulkin^ well knowne in divers places for his mad 
 
 conceits, and his couzenage, upon a time came into Kent to 
 
 Sittingborne ; and in divers Villages there-about set up Mils 
 
 that all sorts of people, young and old, that would come to 
 
 Sittingborne, on such a day, they should find a man there, 
 
 that would give a remedy for all kinds of diseases ; and also 
 
 would tell them what would happen unto any of them in five 
 
 or Six yeares after : and he would desire but two pence a piece 
 
 of any of them. Whereupon came people of all sorts and 
 
 from all places : so that he gathered of the people that came 
 
 to the value of twenty pounds : and he had provided a Stage, 
 
 and set it up, and placed a chaire where he would sit : and 
 
 so, they being all come in, and every one set in order, he 
 
 comes to the gate, and takes the money from them that 
 
 gathered it, and bids them looke that good rule be kept, and 
 
 so they did : also hee bid them by and by sound the drumme, 
 
 and then he would begin his Orations. He, when they were 
 
 gone, with all haste gets him to the backe-side, and there 
 
 having his Gelding, gets upon his backe, and away towards 
 
 Rochester nd-ts he, as fast as ever he could gallop. Now they, 
 
 thinking he had beene preparing of things in a readinesse, 
 
 sounded the drumme. The Audience looked still when he 
 
 would come, and staying one, two, or three houres, nay more, 
 
 thought sure they were cozened. Whereupon one of the 
 
 Company seeing a paper in the chaire on the Stage, tooke it, 
 
 wherein was written. 
 
 Now you have heard the sound of the drumme, 
 You may all depart like fooles as you come. 
 
 Whereupon the men falling to cursing and swearing, the 
 women to scolding, scratching, and biting, were faine to 
 depart like fooles indeed. 
 
 [12.] A Man being cold 
 
 In's Boots, was so bold. 
 To stand near the fire for remedy ; 
 
 ' Or bulchin, is a little bull, or bull calf. 
 
192 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 You'l burn your Spurs, says Jane, 
 My Boots sure you mean ; 
 _ No, Sir, they are burnt already. 
 
 [26.] A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father, 
 his Father askt him what he had learnt ? Why Father, says he, 
 I'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God. 
 How Zon, says he, come, let's hear itj Why thus. Father, 
 says he, nothing you know is better than the blessing of God, 
 and this Leg of the Capon is better than Nothing : Ergo. 
 
 [52.] In London dwelt a mad conceited fellow, which with 
 his wit lived with Gallants and domineered with good fellowes. 
 Not very long agoe, in Hay-harvest, he gets a Pitchforke on 
 his neck, went forth towards Islington in the morning, and 
 meets with two loads of Hay, comming towards the City to be 
 sold : for the which hee bargained with them that owned the 
 same, for thirty shillings. But whither shall wee bring them ? 
 quoth they. To the Swanne by Smithfield, said hee. And so 
 went his way, and left them : then to the Swan he went, to the 
 good man of the house, and asked if he would buy two loades 
 of Hay ? Yes, quoth the Inne keeper, where be they ? Here 
 they come, quoth he. What shall I pay, quoth the In-keeper ? 
 Foure Nobles ^ a load, quoth the Make-shift. But at the last 
 they agreed for twenty shillings. When they were come, he 
 bad them unload the Hay. So while they were unloading of 
 it, hee came to the Inne-holder, and said, I pray you let me 
 have my money : for while my men unload, I will buy some 
 stuffe to have home with me. The Inne-holder was content, 
 and gave him money, and so hee went away. When the men 
 had unloaded their Hay they came and demanded their money. 
 I have paid your Master (quoth the Inne holder). What 
 Master? quoth they. Marry, quoth hee, he that bad you 
 bring the Hay hither. Wee know him not quoth they. Nor 
 I neither, quoth hee, but with him I bargained, and him have 
 I paid ; with you I meddled not, and therefore go seeke him 
 if you will. And so the poore men were cozened. 
 ^ A noble was 6s. 8d. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 [72.] 
 
 193 
 
 lABoVLSTER LECTVRE. 
 
 This wife ft v/onjtovs racket meanes Lo Ifeepe, 
 tVAf/e/y4'J{u[I)ancL seemes taJhejiebutSjisiiotJltepc 
 Jiut she iniqktJlM. asuietlker\i^&,\xra smothtr^ 
 For ent'rwa one fare, U^ees out at t'other . 
 
 The accompanying quaint illustration shows the antiquity 
 of " Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures." ^ 
 
 ^ At p. 107 the very phrase is mentioned, "These need not feare to 
 have their shoulders besprinkled with Zantifpe^s livery ; or to have their 
 breakfast chang'd into a Morning Curtaine Lecture." 
 
 O 
 
1 94 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [5.] A friend of Durus comming on a day 
 
 To visite him, finding the doores say nay ; 
 
 Being lock'd fast up, first knocks, and then doth pause, 
 
 As Lord have mercy on's ^ had bin the cause ; 
 
 But missing it, he ask't a neighbour by 
 
 When the rich Durus' (doors) were lock'd and why ? 
 
 He said it was a Custome growne of late 
 
 At diner time to lock your great man's gate, 
 
 Durus' his poor friend admir'd & thought the door 
 
 Was not for State lock'd up, but 'gainst the poore, 
 
 And thence departing empty of good cheere. 
 
 Said, Lord have mercy on us is not there. 
 
 [72.] A Man there was, who liv'd a merry life, 
 Till in the end he tooke him to a Wife ; 
 One that no image was (for shee could speake) 
 And now and then her husbands costrell ^ breake : 
 So fierce she was and furious, as in summe. 
 She was an arrant Devill of her tongue. 
 This drove the poore man to a discontent, 
 And oft, and many times did he repent 
 That e're hee chang'd his former quiet state, 
 But 'las, repentance then did come too late. 
 No cure he finde to cure this maladie, 
 But makes a vertue of necessitie. 
 The common cure for care to every man, 
 "A potte of nappy Ale :" where he began 
 To fortifie his braine 'gainst all should come, 
 'Mongst which the clamour of his wives loud tongue 
 This habit graffed ^ in him grew so strong, 
 ' That when he was from Ale, an houre seem'd long. 
 So well hee lik'd th' profession : on a Time 
 Having staid long at pot (for rule nor line 
 Limits no drunkard) even from Morne to Night, 
 He hasted home apace, by the Moone-light : 
 Where as he went, what phantasies were bred, 
 
 ' Houses visited by the plague were marked by a cross chalked on 
 the door, and also the words, "Lord have mercy on us." 
 
 = Head. s Grafted. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 195 
 
 I doe not know, in his distempered head, 
 But a strange Ghost appear' d, and forc'd him stay. 
 With which perplext, hee thus began to say : 
 " Good Spirit, if thou be, I need no charme, 
 For well I know, thou wilt not doe mee harme ; 
 And if the Devill ; sure mee thou shoulds't not hurt, 
 I wed't thy Sister, and am plagued for't. 
 The Spirit, well approving what he said, 
 Dissolv'd to ayre, and quickly vanished. 
 
 [17.] A Taylor sent his bill to a Lawyer for money ; the 
 Lawyer bid the Boy tell his Master, that he was not running 
 away (being very busie at that time). The Boy comes again, 
 and tells him he must needs have his money. Did'st tell him, 
 I was not running away ? Yes Sir, but he bid me tell you, 
 that though you were not running away, yet he was. 
 
 [17.] A Schollar was lock'd out of Wadham Colledge, and 
 about ten a Clock he came and knockt ; the Porter came to 
 the Gate, and told him the Warden had took up the keys with 
 him : Pray, says he to the Porter, go to the Warden, and tell 
 him I am here : Truly, Sir, says he, the Warden is angry with 
 me already, I dare not do it : but if you'll go your self, it may 
 be he'll give you the keys. 
 
 [5.] He's rich that hath great in-comes by the year ; 
 Then that great belly'd man is rich. He swear : 
 For sure, his belly ne'r so big had bin. 
 Had he not daily had great comings in. 
 
 [26.] One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk, ask't him 
 whither he was going ? says he, I am going to the Tavern : 
 No, says t'other, that you are not ; for Drunkenness is the way 
 to Hell, and thither you are going. Puh, says the Drunkard, 
 you are therein much mistaken ; and I ne'r fear that, for I am 
 so drunk, that my Legs are not able to carry me so far ; and 
 what need I go thither agen, for I came from the DeviP 
 (Tavern) but now. 
 
 1 In Fleet Street, close by where Temple Bar stood, now Messrs. 
 Childs' Bank. 
 
196 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 PORTSMOUTH'S Lamentation 
 
 OR 
 
 A Dialogue between Two Amorous Ladies, E.G.^ and D.P.^ 
 
 Dame Portsmouth was design'd for 
 France, 
 But therein was prevented ; 
 
 Who mourns at this Unhappy 
 Chance, 
 and sadly doth lament it. 
 
 To the Tune of, Tom the Taylor, Or, Titus Oats. 
 
 [73.] I prithee Portsmouth tell me plain, 
 
 without dissimulation, 
 When dost thou home return again, 
 
 and leave this English Nation ? 
 Your youthful days are past and gone, 
 
 you plainly may perceive it 
 Winter of age is coming on, 
 
 'tis true, you may believe it. 
 
 1 Eleanor, or Nell, Gwynne. 
 
 2 Louise de Queiouaille, Duchess of Portsmouth, a mistress of Charles 
 II. from whom are descended the Dukes of Richmond, died November 
 1734. aged 88. This ballad was evidently written soon after the king's 
 death in 1685. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 197 
 
 And, Nelly, is't not so with thee, 
 
 why dost thou seem to flout me, 
 I am in clos'd with misery, 
 
 and sorrows round about me : 
 O, 'twas a sad and fatal hour, 
 
 as ere could come to me, 
 When Death did all my joys devour, 
 
 on purpose to undoe me. 
 
 Thy loss was much, I must confess, 
 
 and much to be lamented. 
 Now thou art almost pittiless, 
 
 thy design it is prevented : 
 To France 'twas thy intent to go, 
 
 but therein did'st miscarry. 
 And trouble 'tis to thee I know, 
 
 that thou art forc'd to tarry. 
 
 Fye Nell, this news is worse and worse, 
 
 and doth increase my trouble. 
 That I must now unstring my purse, 
 
 doth make my sorrow double : 
 From hence I thought for to convey 
 
 what in this land I gained. 
 But I am here confin'd to stay, 
 
 and now my credits stain'd. 
 
 Pish, lightly come, and lightly go, 
 
 ne'er let this matter grieve thee, 
 Tho' fortune seems to be thy foe, 
 
 and for a while to leave thee : 
 Yet shee again on thee may smile, 
 
 then be not broken hearted, 
 Tho' from this little Brittish Isle, 
 
 thou must not yet be parted. 
 
 With care and grief I am opprest, 
 
 and I am discontented, 
 Sorrow is lodged in my Breast, 
 
 my Youthful life lamented : 
 
igS Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 How did I vainly spend my time, 
 
 tho' Riches still increased, 
 And played the Wanton in my prime, 
 
 but now my comfort's ceased. 
 
 Well, thou hast laid up Riches store, 
 
 to serve thee when afflicted. 
 And yet doth carp and crave for more, 
 
 thou cans't not contradict it : 
 But let enough thy mind suffice 
 
 since Fortune frowns upon thee. 
 Now shew thyself discreet and wise, 
 
 or else what will come on thee ? 
 
 Could I but safely get to France, 
 
 with all my Gold and Treasure, 
 Then would I briskly sing and dance, 
 
 and Riot beyond measure ; 
 But I am crost in my design, 
 
 which greatly doth torment me. 
 And 'tis in vain for to repine, 
 
 what Plagues hath Heaven sent me. 
 
 Madam I fear it will grow worse, 
 
 with patience strive to bear it. 
 And since you must unstring your purse, 
 
 for it now be prepared : 
 Your debts in England must be paid 
 
 believe me what I tell ye. 
 And thereat be not dismaied, 
 
 but be advised by Nelly. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for C. Dennisson i at the Stationer's Arms, within Aldgate. 
 
 It will be seen by the foregoing supposed portraits of Nell 
 Gwynne and the Duchess of Portsmouth (which, by the way, 
 do plenty of duty in other ballads) that the patching of this 
 ^ He published from 1685 to 1689. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 199 
 
 age among women was in somewhat fantastic form, such a 
 patch as a coach and four not being unknown ; but few know 
 that the mercers (or linen-drapers, as we now call them) 
 patched themselves in order to show the effect to their fair 
 customers. The annexed example shows one who holds a 
 lady's vizard, or mask, for they did not then wear veils, which 
 are quite a modern invention, together with a feather-fan and 
 some ribands, or, as the frontispiece of the book records, 
 divulging the secrets of the toilet. 
 
 [74.] Here's black Bags, Ribons, Copper Laces, 
 Paintings, and beauty spots for faces ? 
 Masques, and Fans you here may have 
 Taffity Gownes and Scarfes most brave 
 Curled haire, and crisped Locks. 
 Aprons white, and Holland Smocks : 
 All sort of powders here are sold 
 To please all People young and old. 
 
200 Humour, Wit, ana Satire 
 
 Then come my Customers touch and try, 
 Behold and see, draw forth and buy. 
 
 Unfortunately this little penny book is generally too broad in 
 its humour to be reprinted; but one extract, which may be 
 reproduced, will suffice to show its quality: — "Come who 
 buys my new Fashion'd Periwigs, if there be any manner of 
 Single man, Widdower, or Batchelor that thinks his owne 
 naturall Haire not good enough for him, here is Jack in a box, 
 that will fit him to a haire, with all sorts of Periwigs, and all 
 sorts of colours and fashions, both long Haire, or short Haire, 
 Flaxen haire, or yellow haire, black, blew, red, tawny, browne, 
 or Abraham ^ Colour, thats halfe. Nits, and half Lice ; or if 
 any bauld pated fellow among you that have lost his hair off 
 from his head, I have a Periwig for him of goodly long Haire, 
 that will hang downe and cover all his shoulders, and that 
 may serve to cover all his knavery ; or, if any younger 
 Brothers that desires to have their naturall Haire that growes 
 upon their heads Dyed of another Colour ? here are all sorts 
 of powders, of several colours and Fashions, that will doe the 
 trick gallantly." 
 
 To one that desired me not to name him. 
 
 [70.] Be safe, nor feare thy selfe so good a fame, 
 
 That, any way, my booke should speake thy name : 
 For, if thou shame, ranck'd with my friends, to goe, 
 I am more asham'd to have thee thought my foe. 
 
 [4.] A Scholar meeting a Countreyman upon the Road 
 rid up very briskly to him ; but the Countreyman, out of 
 respect to him was turning off his Horse to give him the 
 Road, when the Scholar, laying his Hand upon his Sword, 
 
 said, 'Tis well you gave me the Way, or I'd What wou'd 
 
 you have done ? said the Countreyman, holding up his Club at 
 
 him Given it to you, Sir, says he, pulling off his Hat 
 
 to him. 
 
 ' Nares thinks that .^iraw-coloured hair is a corruption for auburn, 
 but it is just possible that, being a patriarch, very gray or white hair is 
 meant. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 201 
 
 [17.] One wondred there was so many Pick pockets about 
 London, seeing there's a Watch at every corner : Pah, says 
 another, they^d as willingly meet with a watch as any thing else. 
 
 [5.] More dew the Mercer, with a kinde salute, 
 Would needs intreate my custome for a suit : 
 Here Sir, quoth he, for Sattins, Velvets call, 
 What e're you please, I'le take your word for alL 
 I thank' d, took, gave my word ; say then. 
 Am I at all indebted to this man ? 
 
 [61.] A mad young Gallant, having rid as he feared, out 
 of his way, overtook a blunt Country fellow, and asked him, 
 which was the way to Salesbury ? The Country man, intending 
 not only to set him right : but withall to know whether or no 
 he had committed any error in his way thither, asked him as 
 the manner is, from whence he came, to which the surly 
 Gallant answered, Why what is that to you, from whence I 
 came ? You say true Master, quoth the Bumkin, It is nothing 
 to me from whence you come, nor whether you goe. So he walkt 
 away with his hands coupled behind him, and left the gentle 
 fool to study out his way to Salesbury. 
 
 To review, or even to largely quote from the dramatists 
 of the seventeenth century is not within the scope of this 
 work, but I cannot refrain (because they are so scarce) from 
 giving a sample of one of the " Drolls," as they were called — 
 short plays performed in booths at the fairs, and very often 
 abbreviated versions of the legitimate drama, as " Bottom the 
 Weaver," from A Midsummer's Nighfs Dream; "The Humours 
 of the Gravemakers," from Hamlet. In fact, as the preface 
 to the book [75.], whence the accompanying Droll is taken, 
 states, " The most part of these Pieces were written by such 
 Penmen as were known to be the ablest Artists that ever this 
 Nation produced, by Name, Shake-spear, Fletcher, Johnson, 
 Shirley, and others ; and these Collections are the very Souls 
 of their writings, if the witty part thereof may be so termed : 
 And the other small Pieces composed by several other Authors, 
 are such as have been of great fame in this last Age, when the 
 
202 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 publique Theatres were shut up, and the Actors forbidden to 
 present us with any of their Tragedies, because we had enough 
 of that in earnest, and Comedies, because the Vices of the 
 Age were too lively and smartly represented; then all that 
 we could divert our selves with, were these humours and 
 pieces of Plays, which passing under the Name of a merry 
 Conceited Fellow, called Bottom the Weaver, Simpleton the 
 Smith, John Swabber, or some such Title, were only allowed 
 us, and that by stealth too, and under pretence of Rope- 
 dancing, or the like ; and these being all that was permitted 
 us, great was the confluence of the Auditors ; and these small 
 things were as profitable, and as great get-pennies to the 
 Actors^ as any of our late famed Plays. I have seen the Red 
 Bull 2 Playhouse, which was a large one, so full that as many 
 went back for want of room as had entred ; and as meanly as 
 you may now think of these Drols, they were then acted by 
 the best Comedians then and now in being ; and I may say, 
 by some that then exceeded all now Living ; by Name, the 
 incomparable Robert Cox who was not only the principal 
 Actor, but also the Contriver and Author of most of these 
 Farces. How have I heard him cryed up for his John 
 Swabber, and Simpleton the Smith ! In which he being to 
 appear with a large piece of Bread and Butter, I have fre- 
 quently known several of the Female Spectators and Auditors 
 to long for some of it : and once that well known Natural, 
 Jaek Adams of Clarkenwel, seeing him with Bread and Butter 
 on the Stage, and knowing him, cryed out, Cuz, Cuz, give me 
 some, give me some ; to the great pleasure of the Audience. 
 And so Naturally did he Act the Smith's part, that being at 
 a Fair in a Countrey Town, and that Farce being presented, 
 the only Master Smith of the Town came to him, saying, well, 
 
 ^ It is a curious fact that both Nares and Halliwell, in their glossaries, 
 describe Drolls as being /«//i?^ shows, when, as is shown, they were acted 
 by living people. 
 
 2 This theatre was in Clerkenwell, at the corner of what is now 
 Woodbridge Street, and here acted (in October 1617, if not again) Edward 
 AUeyn, the founder of Dulwich College. It is frequently mentioned in 
 contemporary books, notably by Prynne in his Histrio Martix, and by 
 Pepys in his Diary, 4th August 1660, and 23d March and 26th May 
 1662. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 203 
 
 although your Father speaks so ill of you, yet when the Fair 
 is done, if you will come and work with me, I will give you 
 twelve pence a week more than I give any other Journey-Man. 
 Thus was he taken for a Smith bred, that was indeed as much 
 of any Trade. 
 
 . . . Thus were these Compositions liked and approved 
 by all, and they were the fittest for the Actors to represent, 
 there being little Cost in Cloaths, which often were in great 
 danger to be seized by the then Souldiers, who, as the Poet 
 sayes, Enter the Red Coat, Exit Hat and Cloak, was very 
 true, not only in the Audience, but the Actors too, were 
 commonly, not only strip'd, but many times imprisoned, till 
 they paid such Ransom as the Souldiers would impose upon 
 them ; so that it was hazardous to Act any thing that required 
 any good Cloaths, instead of which painted Cloath many 
 times served the turn to represent Rich Habits . . . and 
 this painting puts me in mind of a piece I once saw in a 
 Country Inn, where was, with the best skill of the Workman 
 represented King Pharaoh with Moses and Aaron, and some 
 others, to explain which figures, was added this piece of 
 Poetry 
 
 Here Pharaoh with his Goggle Eyes does stare on 
 The High Priest Moses, with the Prophet Aaron. 
 Why, what a Rascal 
 
 Was he that would not let the People go to eat the 
 Phascal. 
 
 The Painting was in every wayes as defective and lame as the 
 Poetry, for I believe he who pictured King Pharaoh, had 
 never seen a King in his Ufe, for all the Majesty he was 
 represented with was goggle Eyes, that his Picture might be 
 answerable to the Verse." 
 
 We see by the above extract that much was not expected 
 in a Droll; and,' verily, few could have been disappointed. 
 To modern taste the humour of the majority is too coarse ; 
 and, therefore, I have been obliged to take, as an exemplar, 
 the most innocent of its class. 
 
204 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 CSe lltimour of 3Sumpltin, 
 
 Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce 
 
 •very well known — - 
 
 [75.] Actors Names, 
 
 Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches. 
 
 Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin. 
 
 I. Hunt. Why, what's the matter? 
 
 Bump. Nay, I know not ; but every day my great Guts, and 
 
 my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as 
 
 passes, and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my 
 
 heart, and make me queasie-stomacht. 
 I Hunt. Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble ? 
 Bump. Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee, if my 
 
 case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in 
 
 love. 
 I Hunt. With whom ? 
 Bump. With any body ; but I cannot find out the way how 
 
 to be in Love. 
 1. Hunt Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melan- 
 
 choUy ? 
 Bump. Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse ; I could even find 
 
 it in my heert to cry presently. 
 1. Hunt. Canst thou sleep well? 
 Bump. I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep. 
 I Hunt. Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant 
 
 upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to 
 
 be in love. 
 Bump. I would it were not possible, on the condition thou 
 
 wert hang'd and quartered. 
 I Hunt. I thank you, Sir. But Bumpkin list to me ; This 
 
 day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to 
 
 sport, and revel it about the May pole : Present thy self 
 
 there, tell thy cause of grief, and I dare warrant thee a 
 
 Sweet-heart presently. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 205 
 
 Bump. If thou cans't do that, He marry her first and learn to 
 
 love her afterwards. 
 I Hunt. Hast hither, Bumpkin I'le go on before {Exit) 
 
 Bump. And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty : 
 that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog- 
 Keeper to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man 
 so comely of person, and having such a pure com- 
 plexion, that all fair Ladies may be ashamed to look on 
 me, and that I should be distressed for a Sweet-heart? 
 Maypole I come. 
 
 And if the Wenches there encrease my pains 
 And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains. 
 
 {Exit) 
 
 Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches. 
 
 2. Co. Wench. Is it possible would Bumpkin be in love ? 
 
 I Hunt. Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have 
 undertaken to become his Doctor : For at the May Pole 
 meeting 'tis decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, 
 come what will on't. 
 
 3. Co. Wench. Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may 
 
 find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a Farewel 
 to Misfortune. {Exit) 
 
 Enter Bumpkin. 
 
 Blimp. That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist 
 a woile, and hear my doleful Tale. 
 
 1. Co. Wench. He'l make us cry sure. 
 
 Bump. Be it known unto all men by these presents 
 
 2. Co. Wench. An Obligation, we will be no witnesses. 
 Bump. Why then I'le hang my self 
 
 3. Co. Wench. We will be witness then. 
 
 Bump. What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should 
 
 woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it. 
 
 Where's your promise now ? 
 I. Hunt. You have not yet exprest yourself j be plain, tell 
 
 them your grief; a remedy will follow. 
 Bump. If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that 
 
 I am in love — with somebody. 
 
2o6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 2. Co. Wench. Would I were she. 
 
 Bump. Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it. 
 2 Co. Wench. Why then, you are my own. 
 
 3. Co, Wench. Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday. 
 
 (They all hang about hini) 
 Bump. Yes, marry did she (Goes to her). 
 
 I. Co. Wench. But I was she that won him at the May pole. 
 2 Co. Wench. Was that the Cause you strove so for the 
 
 Garland. 
 Bump. What's that to you ? {Goes to her.) 
 
 Would I had any of them in quietness. 
 3. Co. Wench. But yet I must have share. 
 
 1. Co. Wench. So must I too. {All pull him) 
 
 2. Co. Wench. I will not part without the better half. 
 Bump. Then who shall have me whole? what — are you mad? 
 
 3. Co. Wench. Theres reason for a madness in this Case. 
 
 1. Co. Wench. I will not loose my right. Let go, I say. 
 
 2. Co. Wench. He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing. 
 Bump. Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me ? Now 
 
 by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, Fie drown 
 myself for spight, that you may perish. {Horn) 
 
 I. Hunt. Hark, hark, my Lord Acteons warning piece ; That 
 Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this 
 day in hunting : Bumpkin why stay you ? the hounds 
 will quarrel with you : we'l come after. 
 
 1. Co. Wench. Will you not stay, my Love? 
 
 Bump. I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will 
 be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own 
 proper Carcase. {Exit) 
 
 2. Co. Wench. Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward. 
 
 2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray. 
 
 3. Co. Wench. Quick as you will ; the doing of it quick, makes 
 
 it shew the better. {A Country Dance. Then Exeunt^ 
 
 Enter Acteon and Bumpkin. 
 
 Acteon, Be nimble, Sirrah. 
 
 Bump. Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to 
 purpose : if Love be such a troublesome Companion I 
 will entreat him to keep out of my Company. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 207 
 
 Acteon. We consume the day. 
 
 Bump. They have saved me a labour. 
 
 Acteon. Fie, what mean you ? The glory of the day calls us 
 
 to action. 
 1 Hunt. Sir, you may please to know, that yesternight I lodged 
 
 a boar within the neighbouring Forest. 
 Bump. Yes, Sir, and I lodged a Fox at a house hard by. 
 
 A pleasant new Ballad to sing both 
 
 Even and Morne, 
 Of the bloody murther of Sir John 
 
 Barley come. 
 
 To the tune of. Shall I lye beyond thee?^ 
 
 [76.] As I went through the North Countrey 
 I heard a merry greeting : 
 A pleasant toy, and full of joy, 
 two noble men were meeting. 
 
 And as they walked for to sport, 
 
 upon a Sommers day, 
 Then with another nobleman 
 
 they went to make a fray. 
 
 AVhose name was sir John Barley Corne, 
 
 he dwelt downe in a dale ; 
 Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh, 
 
 they cal'd him Thomas Goodale. 
 
 Another named Richard Beere, 
 
 was ready at that time 
 Another worthy knight was there 
 
 call'd sir William White Wine. 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. 
 
2o8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke 
 
 some of them in a Can, 
 But the chiefest in a black pot, 
 
 Hke a worthy noble man. 
 
 Sir John Barley-corne fought in a Boule, 
 
 who wonne the victorie ; 
 And made them all to fume and sweare 
 
 that Barley-corne should die. 
 
 Some said kill him, some said drowne, 
 others wisht to hang him hie, 
 
 For as many as follow Barley-corne, 
 shall surely beggers die 
 
 Then with a plough they plowed him up 
 
 and thus they did devise, 
 To burie him quicke within the earth, 
 
 and swore he should not rise. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 209 
 
 With horrowes strong they combed him, 
 
 and burst clods on his head ; 
 A joyfull banquet then was made 
 
 when Barly-Corne was dead. 
 
 He rested still within the earth, 
 
 till raine from skies did fall, 
 Then he grew up in branches greene, 
 
 which sore amaz'd them all. 
 
 And so grew up till Mid-sommer, 
 
 which made them all afeard. 
 For he was sprouted up on hie, 
 
 and got a goodly beard. 
 
 Then he grew till S. James tide, 
 
 his countenance was wan, 
 For he was growne unto his strength, 
 
 and thus became a man. 
 
 With hookes and sickles keene 
 
 into the field they hide ^ 
 They Cut his leg? off by the knees 
 
 and made him wounds full wide. 
 
 Thus bloodily they cut him downe 
 
 from place where he did stand. 
 And like a thiefe for treachery, 
 
 they bound him in a band. 
 
 So then they tooke him up againe 
 
 according to his kind ; 
 And packt him up in severall sackes, 
 
 to wither with the wind. 
 
 And with a pitch forke that was sharpe 
 
 they rent him to the heart. 
 And like a thiefe for treason vile, 
 
 they bound him in a cart. 
 
 1 Hied. 
 
2IO Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And tending him with weapons strong 
 unto the towne they hye, 
 
 And straight they mowed him in a mow 
 and there they let him lie. 
 
 Then he lay groning by the wals, 
 till all his wounds were sore, 
 
 At length they tooke him up againe, 
 and cast him on the floore. 
 
 They hyred two with holly clubs, 
 
 to beat on him at once. 
 They thwacked so on Barly-corne, 
 
 that flesh fell from the bones. 
 
 And then they tooke him up againe, 
 
 to fulfill womens minde, 
 They dusted him, and they sifted him, 
 
 till he was almost blind. 
 
 And then they knit him in a sacke, 
 which grieved him full sore. 
 
 They steeped him in a Fat,^ God wot, 
 for three days space and more. 
 
 And then they took him up againe, 
 
 and laid him for to drie. 
 They cast him on a chamber floore, 
 
 and swore that he should die. 
 
 They rubbed him and they stirred him, 
 and still they did him turne, 
 
 The malt man swore that he should die, 
 his body he would burne. 
 
 They spightfully tooke him up againe, 
 and threw him on a kill ^ 
 
 So dried him there with fire hot 
 and thus they wraught their will. 
 ' Vat. 2 Kiln, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 2 1 1 
 
 Then they brought him to the mill, 
 
 and there they burst his bones, 
 The Miller swore to murther him, 
 
 betwixt a pair of stones. 
 
 Then they tooke him up againe, 
 
 and serv'd him worse than that, 
 For with hot scalding liquor store 
 
 they washt him in a Fat 
 
 But not content with this, God wot, 
 
 that did him mickle harme ; 
 With threatening words they promised 
 
 to beat him into barme. 
 
 And lying in this danger deep, 
 for feare that he should quarrell, 
 
 They tooke him straight out of the fat, 
 and tunn'd him in a barrell. 
 
 And then they set a tap to him, 
 
 even thus his death begun ; 
 They drew out every drain of blood. 
 
 Whilst any drop would run. 
 
 Some brought jacks ^ upon their backs. 
 
 some brought bill and bow, 
 And every man his weapon had, 
 
 Barly-Corne to overthrow. 
 
 When sir John Goodale heard of this 
 
 he came with mickle might. 
 And there he took their tongues away, 
 
 their legs or else their sight. 
 
 And thus sir John in each respect 
 
 so paid them all their hire. 
 That some lay sleeping by the way, 
 
 some tumbling in the mire. 
 
 ' A thick leather coat ; here used in another sense as a " black jack '' 
 or leather can. 
 
2 1 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Some lay groning by the wals, 
 
 some in the streets downeright, 
 The best of them did scarcely know 
 
 what they had done ore night. 
 
 All you good wives that brew good ale 
 
 God turn from you all teene,^ 
 But if you put too much water in 
 , the devill put out your eyne. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 London, Printed for John Wright,^ and are to be sold at his shop 
 in Guilt spurre Street at the signe of the Bible. 
 
 A very slight comparison with Robert Burns' poem on this 
 subject will show how much he was indebted to this version, having 
 plagiarised, almost verbally, in many parts. 
 
 How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it. 
 
 [77.] Tarlton, (as other Gentlemen used) at the first comming 
 up of Tabacco, did take it more for fashion's sake than other- 
 wise, & being in a roome, set between two Men overcome with 
 Wine, and they never seeing the like, wondred at it ; and seeing 
 the vapour come out of Tarlton's nose, cryed out Fire, fire, 
 and then threw a Cup of Wine in Tarlton's face. Make no 
 more stirre, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched : if the Sheriffes 
 come, it will turne to a fine, as the Custome is. And drinking 
 that againe. Fie, sayes the other, what a stinke it makes, I am 
 almost poisoned. If it offend, saies Tarlton, let's every one 
 take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly goe : 
 but Tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay all. 
 
 [5.] Dick had but two words to maintain him ever, 
 And that was. Stand ; and, after, stand — Deliver. 
 But Dick's in Newgate, and he fears shall never 
 Be blest again with that sweet word, Deliver. 
 ■• Sorrow. 
 
 " A John Wright at the Bible, near Newgate, published between 1624 
 and 1627; but a J. Wright in Giltspur Street published from 1670 to 1690. 
 In the Roxburghe Ballads are three editions of this ballad, catalogued (?) 
 1650, 1690, 1730. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 213 
 
 [12.] A tall Man void of wit, 
 
 We may compare him fit 
 To a House six Stories high at least ; 
 Where commonly we see 
 That the upper Rooms be 
 Worst furnish'd than any of the rest. 
 
 [78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of 
 Teneriff (which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in 
 the worlde) asked him why he had not stay'd there, for he was 
 perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe. 
 
 [32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I £at my nurse 
 that fed me, then I dye leaving all blind that saw me. 
 
 Solution. Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having 
 consumed both wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the 
 dark that saw by it. 
 
 The following shows the extent to which political satire 
 can be carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for 
 introducing it : — 
 
 The PARLIAMENTS X Commandements 
 
 [79.] I. Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS 
 and COMMONS assembled at Westminster. 
 
 2. Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor 
 yeeld obedience to any of his Commands ; neither shalt thou 
 weare any Image either of him or his Posterity ; thou shalt 
 not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous 
 Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth 
 Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our 
 Votes, Orders, and Ordinances. 
 
 3. Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in 
 vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names 
 in vaine. 
 
 4. Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that 
 is Our Sabbath ; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for 
 we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it. 
 
214 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 5 Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the 
 King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother, 
 so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall 
 take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee. 
 
 6. Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne, 
 and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth. 
 
 7. Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase 
 and multiply the Saints. 
 
 8. Thou shalt get all thou canst ; part from nothing ; doe 
 no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts. 
 
 9. Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we 
 judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the 
 Saints may enjoy abundance of all things. 
 
 10. Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his 
 Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that 
 belongs unto him ; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be 
 a wicked or ungodly Person. 
 
 All these Commandements Wee require you, and every 
 of you with all diligence to observe ; and We your 
 LORDS and GODS will incline your hearts to keepe 
 the Same. 
 
 The Parliaments PATER NOSTER. 
 
 Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be 
 heaven; you would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES 
 his Kingdome is come unto you ; your wills must be done on 
 earth, as unto the God of heaven ; you have gotten the day, 
 and dispose of our daily bread ; you will not forgive any, 
 neither must you look to be forgiven ; you lead us into rebellion 
 and all other mischiefs, but cannot deUver us from evil. Yours 
 is the Kingdom, the power and glory. Parliament everlasting. 
 Amen. 
 
 The ARTICLES of the FAITH. 
 
 I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, 
 Sedition, Heresy and Rebellion, and in his onely Son Ireton, 
 our Saviour, begotten by the Spirit in a hole, borne of a 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 215 
 
 winching Mare, suffered under a house of Office at Brainford, 
 he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered, and to remain 
 unburied : for he descended into Hull, the third day he rose 
 up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the 
 right hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is 
 no Holy Ghost, nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of 
 sins, but the Communion of the Sisters, the resurrection of his 
 Members, and Parliament everlasting. AMEN. 
 
 Ordered. — That these new Commandements, Pater Noster, 
 and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and 
 Congregations, throughout England and Wales. 
 
 [12.] One told a Principal 
 
 That some Rogues of his Hall 
 
 Had abus'd him late in his Stall ; 
 I desire some redress 
 And you can do no less, 
 
 'Cause of 'em you are the Principal. 
 
 The Miser mump'd of his Gold. 
 
 or 
 
 The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in Bar- 
 tholomew Fair ; shewing how she fed the 
 Usurer with Pig, but made him pay 
 for the Sawce. 
 To the Tune o{ Let Casar live long. Licensed according to order. 
 
 [80.] A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair. 
 
 Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair ; 
 In such rich Apparel she then did appear. 
 As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year : 
 
 Of each huffing'^ Gallant she would make an Ass, 
 She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce. 
 
 1 Swaggering, 
 
2l6 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Among all the rest I will mention but one, 
 A Miser, who is in faif London well known ; 
 Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name, 
 Because I am willing to keep free from blame : 
 Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass 
 She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat 
 From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat ; 
 Except it was given him freely, and then 
 He would eat as much as five labouring Men : 
 He haprid to meet with this beautiful Lass 
 Who fed him with Fig, but he paid for the Sawce 
 
 It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds ^ 
 And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds : 
 The which he was going that Morning to lend : 
 This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend 
 Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass: 
 She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine 
 Nor any such hquors until he had Din'd : 
 Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet 
 I now am resolved to give thee a treat : 
 
 Away to her chamber they straightways did pass. 
 She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 ■ Had been collecting money. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 21 'j 
 
 A Dinner she straightways provided with speed, 
 The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed ; 
 Concluding that he should have nothing to pay, 
 But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way ; 
 
 The Lady supplfd him with Glass after Glass, 
 She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store, 
 
 Till he was not able to drink any more ; 
 
 Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep. 
 
 That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep : 
 
 Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass, 
 She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 She shook him, and finding that he would not wake. 
 The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take ; 
 Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest, 
 This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest : 
 Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass. 
 She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 Now he having told her before where he dwelt, 
 In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt ; 
 Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife. 
 The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife : 
 
 Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas ! 
 
 Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first. 
 And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust ; 
 Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care, 
 For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware : 
 And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass, 
 She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
 Now just as the Porter came to his own Door, 
 The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar ; 
 The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack ! 
 Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back : 
 
 But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas ! 
 
 Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce. 
 
2 1 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold, 
 The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold ; 
 But all was in vain, tho' he search'd Smithfield round, 
 The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found : 
 
 Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass, 
 
 She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce. 
 
 [77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were 
 accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of 
 the apparell, the Wagoner comes to Tarlton & doth desire him 
 to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will sales he : & 
 comming to the Steward, Sir, sales Tarlton, where shall our 
 horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton 
 at that question, suddenly answered. If it please you, or them, 
 let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let 
 them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley : and departs 
 thence about his other businesse. Tarlton commending the 
 sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not 
 quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven 
 Tarlton to a non plus with a jest, whereat they all did laugh 
 heartily : which a Serving man loving Tarlton well, ranne and 
 told him as much. Tarlton, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth 
 to rest thus put off with a jest, goes away and gets two of the 
 horses into the Garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, 
 who with their heeles made havocke : being the Gentleman's 
 only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing 
 horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries out to 
 Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou ? Nothing, Sir, sales he, 
 but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender ; 
 a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at 
 bowles, run, run, your Steward may come after and cry rub. 
 rub : at which, though they smiled, yet the Steward had no 
 thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, & 
 they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was bidden. 
 But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and all, was plenty. 
 
 [81.] Fast bind, fast find : my Bible was well bound ; 
 A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found : 
 Was't bound and loose at once ? how can that be ? 
 'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 2ig 
 
 [78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it 
 self to make others goe handsome in their Cloathes. 
 
 [61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very 
 fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites 
 a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to 
 judge of his bargaine : the Gentleman asked him what rent 
 he paid ? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an 
 hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth 
 his friend, I do not like your bargain. No ! quoth the 
 crooked Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. 
 I am not of their mind, replyed his friend, for would any man 
 be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he 
 cannot stand upright in. So they both laught, and went to 
 dinner. 
 
 [5.] Mistris Marina 'mongst some gossips sate, 
 Where faces were the Subject of their Chat ; 
 Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red, 
 Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned. 
 Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame. 
 Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same : 
 Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by, 
 Said, then love me, for that you know was I. 
 
 [82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth 
 enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a 
 Scavenger ; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much 
 afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers) he threatened me, 
 that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a hundred pound, 
 but hee would see me hanged for it ; I desired him to be 
 quiet and feare nothing, and so in httle space I landed him 
 at the Beares CoUedge on the Bank-side,^ (alias Paris Garden.) 
 Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat 
 had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose. 
 
 • Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for bear-baiting and 
 other sports. 
 
2 20 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [i2.] One Goodman Strong 
 
 Said his Wife did long, 
 And what was it for but Mackrill ? 
 
 But he told him no, 
 
 It must not be so. 
 She's well now, and that will make her ill. 
 
 [17.] There were three Brothers named Buck, and having 
 venison, made three Pasties ; and one of those who were 
 invited was nam'd Cooke, and thinking to play upon the 
 Brothers, said. Here is Buck, Buck, Btick. True, says one of 
 the Brothers, Buck is good meat, but what says the Proverb ; 
 God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks. 
 
 [4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went 
 to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. 
 For if you dye, says he, four proper Fellows shall carry you to 
 Church : Ay but, quoth he, / had rather by half go thither 
 myself. 
 
 THE WELSHMAN'S PRAISE OF WALES. 
 
 [83.] I's not come here to tauke of Frute, 
 
 From whence the Welse does take her Root ; 
 Nor tell long Pedigree of Prince Camber, 
 Whose Linage would fill full a Shamber ; 
 Nor sing the Deeds of old Saint Davy, 
 The Ursip of which would fill a Navy ; 
 But hark ye now for a liddel Tales 
 Sal make great deal to the Credit of JVales : 
 
 For hur will tudge your Ears, 
 
 With the Praise of hur Thirteen Seeres, 
 
 And make you as Clad and Merry, 
 
 As Fourteen Pot of Perry. 
 
 'Tis true was wear him Shirkin Frieze, 
 But what is that ? we have store of Sheize ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 And Got is plenty of Coates Milk, 
 That sell him well, will buy him silk 
 Enough to make him fine to Quarrel, 
 At Hereford Sizes in new Apparel. 
 And get him as much Melmet perhap 
 Sail give it a Face to his Monmouth Cap. 
 
 221 
 
 But then the Ore of Lemster, 
 By Cot is Uver a Sempster; 
 That when he is Spun or Did 
 Yet match him with her Thrid. 
 
 And this the Backs now, let us tell ye 
 Of some Provisions for the Belly ; 
 As Cid and Goie and great Got^s Mother, 
 And Runt and Co7V and great Cow's Uther: 
 
22 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And once but taste on the Welse Mutton, 
 Your Engliss Seeps not worth a Button ; 
 Then for your Fisse, shall shoose it your Dish, 
 Look but about, and there's a Trout, 
 
 A Salmon, Cor or Chevin, 
 
 Will feed you Six or Seven, 
 
 As tauU Men as e'er Swagger 
 
 With Welse Club and long Dagger. 
 
 But all this while was never think 
 
 A word in praise of our Welse Drink ; 
 
 Yet for aull that, is a Cup of Bragat, 
 
 AuU England Seer may cast his Cap at ; 
 
 And what you say to Ale of Webley, 
 
 Toudge him as well, you'll praise him Trebley. 
 
 As well as Metheglin, or Sider, or Meath 
 
 Sail sake it your Dagger quite out o' the Seath. 
 
 And Oate Cake of Guarthenion, 
 
 With a goodly Leek or Onion, 
 
 To give as sweet a rellis, 
 
 As e'er did Harper Ellis. 
 
 And yet is nothing now all this, 
 
 If of our Musicks we do miss ; 
 
 With Harp and Pipes too and the Croud 
 
 Must aull come in and tauk aloud. 
 
 As loud as Bangu, Davy's Bell, 
 
 Of which is no doubt you have hear tell. 
 
 As well as our louder Wrexam Organ, 
 
 Or rumbling Rocks in the Seer of Glamorgan, 
 
 Where look you but in the Ground here. 
 
 And you sail see a Sound there. 
 
 That put her all togedder, 
 
 Is sweet as Measure Pedder. 
 
 [52.] In Barnet was a young woman, that when her husband 
 lay a dying, sorrowed out of measure, for feare that shee 
 should lose him. Her father came to her, desiring her to be 
 contented : for he had provided her another husband, a far 
 more handsome man. But she did not onely continue in her 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 223 
 
 sorrow, but was also greatly displeased, that her father made 
 any motion to her of any other husband. As soone as her 
 other husband was buried and the Sermon was done, and 
 they were at supper, between sobbing and weeping, shea 
 rounded her father in the eare, and said. Father, where is the 
 young man that you told me should bee my husband? for 
 very shortly I purpose to be marled. At which her father 
 suddenly fell a laughing. 
 
 [82.] A Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, 
 and many times when he had lost all his money, then hee 
 would pawne his cloake, and so goe home without either cloak 
 or coyne, which grieved the Lady his Mother very much : for 
 remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuffe 
 so ever) to be made with canvasse painted backes, whereon 
 were fashioned two fooles, which caused the Gentleman ever 
 after to keepe his cloake on his backe, for feare two of the 
 three should be discovered. 
 
 [12.] I was took by a fly. 
 
 Says a Fish ; but I deny 
 
 That, for had he not took the fly 
 
 At first in his mouth. 
 
 He had not, in truth. 
 
 Then have been tost up so high. 
 
 [52.] There was an unthrift in London, that had received 
 of a Merchant certain Wares, which came to fifty pounds, to 
 pay at three moneths ; and at three moneths. But when he 
 had it he consumed and spent it all : so that at the six moneths 
 end there was not any left to pay the Merchant : Wherefore 
 the Merchant arrested him. When he saw there was no 
 other remedy, but either to pay the debt, or go to prison, 
 he sent to a subtill Lawyer, and asked his Counsell how he 
 might clear himself of that debt. What wilt thou give me, 
 (quoth he) if I do ? Five marks (quoth the other) and here 
 it is : and as soon as you have done, you shall have it. Well, 
 said the Lawyer, but thou must be ruled by my counsell, 
 and do thus : When thou commest before the Judge, what- 
 
224 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 soever he saith unto thee, answer thou nothing, but cry Bea, 
 still, and let me alone with the rest. So when he came before 
 the Judge, he said to the Debter, Dost thou owe this Merchant 
 so much money ? Bea (quoth he). What, beast ? (quoth he) 
 answer to that I aske thee. Bea (quoth he again.) Why, 
 how now? quoth the Judge, I think this fellow hath gotten 
 a sheeps tongue in his head : for he answereth in the sheeps 
 language. Why, Sir, quoth the Lawyer, do you think this 
 Merchant that is so wise a man, would be so foolish, as to 
 trust this Ideot with fifty pounds worth of ware, that can speak 
 never a word ? No, Sir, I warrant you — And he persuaded 
 the Judge to cast the Merchant in his own suit. And so the 
 Judge departed, and the Court brake up. Then the Lawyer 
 came to his Client, and asked him his Money, since his 
 promise was performed, and his debt discharged. Bea (quoth 
 he.) Why, thou needs't not cry Bea any longer, but pay me 
 my money. Bea, (quoth he again). Why thou wilt not serve 
 me so, I hope, (quoth the Lawyer) now I have used thee so 
 kindly ? But nothing but Bea could Master Lawyer get for 
 his paines, and so was faine to depart with a flea in his eare. 
 
 [5.] Dolens doth shew his purse, and tels you this. 
 It is more horrid than a Pest-house is ; 
 For in a Pest-house many mortals enter, 
 But in his purse, one angell dares not venture. 
 
 [61.] An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry 
 dayes, being a little purblined by being a very good fellow 
 that would alwayes pay his Clubb,^ having sat up late on the 
 Satterday night, was a little unfitted in his eyes to read right 
 the next morning; turned to a Chapter in Exodus, the be- 
 ginning of the Chapter began thus, And God told Moses &c, 
 but, his eyes failing him, like a true Clubber he read thus. 
 And the Lord told Noses ^ &c — 
 
 [78.] Two Gentlemen talking in latin, in the presence of 
 a woman, she grew jealous that they spake of her, and desired 
 
 ^ i. e. His shave of the liquor consumed. 
 
 '^ Counted heads, so that all should pay their due proportion. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 225 
 
 them to speake english that she might answer them, for she 
 said she was perswaded when men spake latin, although they 
 spake but two words, that still one of them was naught : 
 where upon one of the Gentlemen sayd presently, Bona mulier^ 
 she replyed, I know bona is good, but I'le warrant ye the 
 other word meanes something that's nought. 
 
 The 
 
 Young-Man ^ Maidens Forecast; 
 
 shewing how 
 
 They Reckon'd their Chickens before they were Hatcht. 
 
 To the Tune of. The Country Farmer, Or The Devonshire Damoseh. 
 This may be Printed R.P. 
 
 [84.] I'll tell you a Jest of a Provident Lass, 
 
 Whose Providence prov'd her a Provident Ass ; 
 
 She laid forth her store in such brittle Ware, 
 
 That very small profit did fall to her share ; 
 
 Thirteen to the Dozen of Eggs she would buy, 
 
 And set a Hen over them carefully ; 
 
 As long as she went her footing she watch'd, 
 
 She counted her Chickens before they were Hatch'd. 
 
 Said she, if these Chickens five Capons do prove, 
 Capons be Meat which Gentlemen love ; 
 Those Chickens she would sell to buy a Sow-Pig, 
 That it might have young ones e're it was big ; 
 Then with her Pigs she would have an Ewe, 
 It may have Lambs not kill'd with the Dew ; 
 And, as she was thinking to buy her a Calf, 
 Her Heels they flew from her a Yard and a half. 
 
 Her Heels kiss'd the ground, and up flew her Leggs, 
 Down came her Basket, and broke all her Eggs ; 
 There lay her Pigs, her Chickens, her Lambs, 
 She could not have young ones unless she had Dams ; 
 
 ' Good woman. 
 
226 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thus Fortune did frown by a fall that she catcht, 
 Her Chickens prov'd Addle, before they were Hatcht ; 
 Attend but a while, and I'le briefly declare. 
 Bad fortune did likewise fall to the Man's share. 
 
 And now the Man to the Market will go. 
 
 To see what Dame Nature on him will bestow ; 
 
 He bought him five Eggs, thinking to Thrive, 
 
 And thus did the business finely contrive ; 
 
 Said he, if these Eggs five Cocks they will frame, 
 
 And most of them prove to be Cocks of the Game, 
 
 So soon as their Spurs are long enough grown. 
 
 Then I may ingross a Cock Pit of my own. 
 
 Then may I haveGallants of every sort. 
 
 Both Lords, Knights and Squires, and all to see sport, 
 
 If they Fight bravely these Gallants to please, 
 
 I may come to get Means by the rearing of these : 
 
 And when I have done, I'll get me a rich Wife, 
 
 That I may live happy all days of my Life ; 
 
 And in the Church we will be loving matcht. 
 
 But count not your Chickens before they are Hatcht. 
 
 And when he came home he .set his Eggs by, 
 He could not get up, the Roost was so high ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 227 
 
 But fetching a Ladder, that unhappy time, 
 It was his hard luck with his Eggs for to Climb ; 
 These Ladders prove fatal to many a Man, 
 Aiid are undone by them now and then ; 
 So was this poor Man undone by a Fall, 
 Down comes the Basket, Man, Eggs and all. 
 
 There lay the poor Man with a fall almost Lame, 
 His Cock-Pits and Gallants, and Cocks of the Game ; 
 The loosing of this grieved him to the Life, 
 Yet the grief it was more in the loss of his Wife ; 
 All you young Men live vertuous Lives, 
 And think to get Portions now by your Wives ; 
 Take warning by me before you are Matcht, 
 Pray count not your Chickens before they be Hatcht. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner 
 near West Smithfield. 
 
 [17.] In Ireland, a Bag-piper coming for England with his 
 Snapsack on his shoulder, as he sate at dinner in a wood, 
 three Wolves began to accost him ; then he threw one bread, 
 and another -meat, and still they crept nearer to him ; Upon 
 which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes and began to play, 
 at which noise the Wolves all ran away : A pox take you, 
 says he. If I had known you had loved Musick so well, you 
 should have had it before dinner. 
 
 [26.] A man was condemned the last Sessions to be 
 hang'd for a Robbery ; but before and after he was con- 
 demned, his careful, dear, and loving wife bid him take no 
 care ; for she had took care that he should not die ; which 
 made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done, 
 but for his wife's confidence ; which Confidence she continued 
 to him till the night before he was to be hang'd j and then 
 she came to him and told him, That all the great Promises 
 made to her were come to nothing ; for she could not procure 
 him a Pardon by any means whatever ; which put the poor 
 
2 28 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 man into such a Grief and Trembling that he was scarce 
 himself. Come, husband, says she, take Heart, for though I 
 cannot get you a Pardon, yet I'll tell you what I'll do for you ; 
 I will make you an excellent Cawdle tonight, which will make 
 you sleep well, and another to morrow morning to comfort up 
 your heart before you are hang'd : for truly I believe it troubles 
 you as well as me, that I could not get your pardon ; therefore 
 pass it by this once ; but if ever you come to be hang'd again, 
 I'll warrant you, I'll get you pardon. 
 
 [i2.] Says a man nam'dy^/^«. 
 
 In every place the Sun 
 
 Does rise every Morning soon ; 
 'Tis not so, in every place. 
 For my Son t' his disgrace. 
 
 Never rises till the Afternoon. 
 
 [52.] A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards 
 London in the Winter time, and sitting by the fire side with 
 his Host, untill supper could be made ready, there happened 
 a Rabbit to be at the fire a resting, which the Gentleman 
 perceived to bee very leane, as he thought. Quoth he unto 
 his Host, We have Rabbits in our Country, that one will drip 
 a pottle, and baste itselfe. The In -keeper wondred with 
 himselfe, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, 
 for manners sake, and because he was his guest : but, thinking 
 to requite him. Now truely, quoth he, it is very strange : but I 
 can tell you of as strange a thing as that : Which the Gentle- 
 man was desirous to heare. Quoth he, I had as fine a 
 Grayhound as any was in England : and if I had happened to 
 goe abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go 
 with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before 
 me, which my Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned 
 that my dogge died, and for very love that I bare to him, I 
 made me a bottle of his skin, to carry drinke withall. So, one 
 time in hay harvest, my folkes being making of hay in my 
 grounds, and the weather being hot, I filled my bottle with 
 Beere, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 229 
 
 I was going along, there starts a Hare out of a bush before 
 me : and as it was my custome, I cryed, Now, now, now. 
 My bottle leaping from my girdle, ran and catcht the Hare. 
 What, (quoth the Gentleman) me thinks that should be a lie. 
 Truly sir, said the In-keeper, so did I think yours was. The 
 Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his kindnesse, 
 held himselfe contented. 
 
 [85.] Jack drink away 
 
 Thou hast lost a whole Minute, 
 
 Hang Wenches and Play ; 
 
 There's no pleasure in it. 
 
 Faith take t'other glass 
 
 Though the Nights old and grey. 
 
 We may all have a pass 
 
 To the Grave before day. 
 
 And in the cold forsaken Grave, 
 
 There's no iavdk,Jack, no drink, 
 
 No wine nor women, can we have : 
 
 No Company but Worms that stinck. 
 
 Then name thy own health and begin it. 
 
 [86.] The beginning of our late unnaturall broyles, was, 
 among other causes imputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship- 
 money, for which Mr Hambden was condemned in the 
 Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the 
 judges, who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal, only 
 Judge Hutton, and Judge Crook declared against it, so that a 
 stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman, 
 no friend to the prerogative, said Wittily, The King may get 
 Ship-money by Hooke, but not by Crook ; but since that time 
 other taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by Hook 
 and Crook together. 
 
 [17.] A Country Farmer being sick, he and his Wife came 
 to a Doctor, who advised him to drink Asses Milk and Sugar 
 every morning, but if you can get no Asses milk come to me 
 and I'll help you to some : says his Wife to him, pray do you 
 think that the Doctor gives suck 1 
 
230 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [61.] There was a Gentleman whose onely study and 
 practice was Manhood, as football playing, Wrastling, Pitching 
 the ball, throwing of Weights, Riding, and Fencing, in which 
 active practises he was so perfect, that he over match'd all men 
 that came neer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the 
 West of England, and he was the Conqueror of all men that 
 came to him, and grew froward that he could not find any man 
 fit to match him, but it happened that one day after hunting, 
 at a drinking Match in an Ale house, by chance he met a 
 North Countryman who was highly extolling a great Gamester 
 like himself in the North, who performed all exercises that 
 were manly, and a person that was an over commer of all that 
 durst engage him. The Western Gentleman desired his name 
 and habitation, which was soon told him. But when he heard 
 it, he was impatient of further delay, and therefore in order for 
 a Journey to him he provided himself of all conveniences, and 
 rid into the North, where with little enquiry he found the 
 Gentleman's house, and knocking at the gate, he was informed 
 by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. 
 The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand 
 (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he 
 found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this 
 North Country Gentleman was a very stout man, but of very 
 few words ; and the Western Gentleman of as many, who thus 
 began to accost him : Sir, I have intelligence that you are the 
 stoutest man in all the North, and I am as highly reputed in 
 the West, which hath provoked me to find you out, that we 
 may trye both our strength and our skill, so far that fortune 
 and time may Crown one of us, the only glorious man in 
 England. The North Countryman was still at his worke : 
 but heard distinctly all that he said : but returned no answer, 
 onely when the other had ended speaking, and expected a 
 reply the North Countryman comes fairly to him, puts his 
 hand under his twist,^ and pitcheth him over the Park pales ; 
 the West Country man seeing him do that so easily, began to 
 think there was no contending with him, and therefore very 
 civilly, with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these 
 words, I thank you, Sir, heartily. Pray throw my Horse over too. 
 
 ' Cotgrave says "twist" answers to the French "fourchure," a fork, 
 or division, i.e. he caught hold of him between liis legs. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 231 
 
 [5.] Be not wroth Cotta, that I not salute thee, 
 I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee ; 
 Now thou art made a painted Saint, and I, 
 Cotta, will not commit Idolatry. 
 
 ^^.] A Lusty young Man in Somersetshire, after he had been 
 Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so 
 that he cou'd hardly crawl a long; He, one day, seeing a 
 Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad Bull, ask'd him 
 the reason of it. Why, says the Butcher it is. to Tame him : 
 O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be Married ; 
 if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd. 
 
 The Scolding WIFE. 
 
 To a pleasant New Tune. 
 
 [87.] There was a young man for lucre of gain 
 he lov'd a Widow well. 
 His friends did tell him often and plain, 
 in scolding she did excel. 
 
 Why that is no matter, quoth he, 
 so I may have her Bags of Gold, 
 
 Let her not spare to Brawl and Scold, 
 for I'll be as merry, as merry can be. 
 
 This Woodcock wedded his hearts desire, 
 a Widow with Money enough ; 
 
 They was not so soon out of the Quire, 
 ee'r she began to snuff.^ 
 
 Methink you be very fine, 
 
 you can no quicker get you hence, 
 
 Without such large and great expence, 
 of Sugar'd Sops and Musick to dine. 
 ' To take umbrage. 
 
232 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 They was not all at supper set, 
 
 or at the board sate down, 
 E'er she began to brawl and scold, 
 
 and call'd him a peaking Clown : 
 
 That nothing could he doe 
 
 that was pleasing in her sight, 
 But still she scolded day and night, 
 
 which made this merry man's heart full of woe. 
 
 If he had provided any good cheer, 
 
 for him and her alone. 
 Then she wou'd a said, with words more hot, 
 
 you might a done this of your own ; 
 
 If sparingly he will be, 
 
 then she would have said, with words more hot, 
 I will not be pinch'd of what I brought, 
 
 but of mine own I will be free. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 233 
 
 That nothing he could doe, 
 
 that was pleasing in his sight 
 But still she scolded day and night, 
 
 which made this merry man's heart full of woe. 
 
 A hundred times he curst 
 
 the Priest, the Clerk, the Sexton too. 
 And tongue that did the Widow wooe 
 
 and legs that brought him first. 
 
 It fell out upon a day 
 
 that with his friends he did devise 
 To break her of her scolding guise, 
 
 and what they did they shall be wary ; 
 
 They got and tyed her Arms, 
 
 she could not them undoe. 
 And many other pretty Charms 
 
 they used her unto. 
 
 Her Petticoat was rent and torn, 
 
 upon her Back they did put on. 
 They tore her smock sleeves all along, 
 
 as if a Bedlam she had been born ; 
 
 Her hair about her head they shook, 
 
 all with a Bramble bush. 
 They ring her Arms in every crook 
 
 till out the blood did gush, 
 
 And with an Iron Chain 
 
 fast by the leg he did her tye 
 There within an old dark House by ; 
 
 so soon he went away again ; 
 
 And with a countenance so sad 
 
 he did his Neighbours call. 
 Quoth he my Wife is Mad, 
 
 she doth so rave and brawl ; 
 
-2 34 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Help Neighbours all therefore, 
 
 to see if that you can reclaim, 
 My Wife into her Wits again 
 
 for she is troubled wondrous sore, 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for B. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner. 
 
 [82.] A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly faire house new 
 built, but the broken brickes, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and 
 such rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings, 
 lay confusedly in heapes and scattered here and there : The 
 Cardinall demanded of his Survayor wherefore the rubbish was 
 not conveyed away : The Survayor said that he proposed to 
 hyre an hundred Carts for the purpose. The Cardinall 
 replyed that the charge of Carts might be saved, for a pitt 
 might bee digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, said 
 the Survayor, I pray you what shall wee doe with the earth 
 which we digge out of the said pit ? Why, thou Coxcombe, 
 said the Cardinall, canst thou not dig the pit deepe enough, 
 and bury all together ? 
 
 [77.] At Salisbury, Tarlton & his fellowes were to play 
 before the Maior & his brethren : but one of his company (a 
 yong man) was so drunke, that he could not ; whereat Tarlton, 
 as mad angry, as he was mad drunke, claps me on his legs a 
 huge pair of bolts. ^ The fellow dead asleepe, felt nothing. 
 When all was done, they convayed him to the Jayle on a 
 Man's back, and intreated the Jailer to doe God good service, 
 and let him lye there til he waked. While they were about 
 their sport, the felow waked, & finding himselfe in durance, & 
 the Jaile hung round with bolts and shackles, he began to 
 blesse himselfe, & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had 
 done some mischiefe. With this hee called to know, but 
 none came to him ; then hee thought verily his fault was 
 capitall, and that hee was close prisoner. By and by comes 
 
 ' Shackles or fetters. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 235 
 
 the Keeper, and mooved him, that one so yong should come 
 to so shameful! a death as hanging. Anon, another comes, 
 and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. 
 But at last comes Tarlton and others, intreating the Keeper, 
 yet if it might bee, that they might see their fellow ere they 
 went. But hee very hardly was intreated. But at length the 
 poore drunken Signior cald out for them. In they come. 
 Oh Tom^ sales Tarlton, hard was thy hap, in drunkennes to 
 murder this honest man, and our hard hap too, to have it 
 reported, any of our company is hang'd for it. O God, O 
 God sales the fellow, is my fault so great ? then commend me 
 to all my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow 
 forswore drunkennes, if hee could escape, and by as cunning a 
 wile (to his thinking) they got him out of prison by an escape, 
 and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad to 
 be gone. But see how this iest wrought : by little and little 
 the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time altered his 
 desire of drunkennes. 
 
 [12.] A Barber left handed 
 
 Trim'd so well, that he bandy'd ^ 
 
 With all the Barbers in the Strand, 
 
 For he trims dextrously ; ^ 
 But that I deny, 
 
 'Cause he does it with his left hand. 
 
 [17.] John came to Thomas his house to speak with him : 
 but Thomas came to the door, and bid his Maid say he was 
 not at home, which John overheard ; Two or three days after, 
 Thomas came to speak with John, and John looks out a 
 window, and told him he was not at home : Why do you say 
 so ? do I not see you at home ? Hey day, says John, I 
 believed your Maid you were not at home and you will not 
 believe me my own self. 
 
 1 Was at feud. Minsheu gives its meaning " to join in a faction " and 
 its equivalent in French as "bander," "mutiner." Fleming translates 
 " bander" "to rise — to band against one." 
 
 ^ Dexter, Lat., right hand. 
 
236 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [78.] One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable 
 trade because his trade was nothing else but to take away those 
 things whereby every man gets his living. 
 
 [61.] There was a Gentleman who had been very smartly 
 drinking at the Feathers Tavern in Cheapside, where there is a 
 very long entry from the street door to the Bar, and a drinking 
 roome by the way where were many civill persons with their 
 wives at supper, but their door was only shut to and not 
 latched ; and this Gentleman staggering thorough, reeld against 
 this door, and fell head long into the Room, to the sudden 
 astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the 
 reason of that rudenesse ; the poor Gentleman with very much 
 adoe got up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made 
 hard shift to cry them all mercy in these words. Gentlemen 
 and Ladyes, I pray excuse my boldnesse, and consider I am 
 not the first that have fallen into ill Company. 
 
 The following throws much light on the habits of people 
 in the reign of Charles II., and is valuable as it shows a phase 
 of life not often depicted. 
 
 [85.] A Lampoon on the Greenwich Strowlers. 
 
 Oh ! assist me you Powers, who have Rhimes at command. 
 For I faith I've a weighty business in hand. 
 Of the late Greenwich Strowlers I'me now going to sing. 
 But all things in order — first, God save the King. 
 
 Hem ; hem ; now put we off to the matter. 
 On Easter Sunday, the Raskals took water ; 
 Where landing at Greenwich, they agreed that a share 
 Should be settled o' th' Sculler, instead of his fare. 
 
 Then up they march'd to the sign of the Bull, 
 Where asking for Lodging, quoth the folks we are ful. 
 But we'd see for some for you, and so with that wheadle, 
 Ud's lid, exit's the Landlord, and enter the Beadle. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 237 
 
 With that their Chief Actor begins for to bristle, 
 Quoth he, p'shaw waw, let the Beadle go whistle, 
 For I can ; and he did, too, produce straight a Pattent, 
 That had the King's Hand and Seal, and all that in't. 
 
 Well this rub of fortune is over ; but stay, 
 
 They call for a Reckning, theres six Pence to pay. 
 
 Now mark how damn'd fortune these Strowlers do's cozen, 
 
 They pawn all their stock to pay the half dozen. 
 
 But promising th' Host that he should Tricket free. 
 See their Plays every day, and his whole family. 
 He releases 'em straight, and now all the rabble 
 Marcht up to go lye in their Play house, — a Stable. 
 
 I confess they had never a Scene at all, 
 
 They wanted no copy, they had th' original. 
 
 For the Windowes being down, and most part of the roof, 
 
 How could they want Scenes when they had prospect enough. 
 
 Now we will suppose that Munday is come. 
 And the Play is proclaymed by beat of a Drum. 
 Faith, now you're supposing, let it be Tuesday morn, 
 For of Monday, I know no more than the child unborn. 
 
 It's said that they Acted not upon Monday, 
 Something was wanting, and so they lost one day. 
 They send unto London, what's lacking is gotten. 
 And so on the next day, w'ye all things did cotten. 
 
 The Prizes they took, were a Londoners groat, 
 A Gentleman's size,i but his skipkennel's ^ pot. 
 The Townsmen they let in for drink and good chear, 
 The School boys for peace, and the Seamen for fear. 
 
 ^ Sixpence — the 6 on dice being called "size.'' 
 2 Footman or footboy. 
 
238 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 On Tuesday at three a clock I was we'e 'em, 
 I kist their doorkeeper, and went in to see 'em. 
 Being enter'd an Actor ^ straight brought me a stool, 
 Hee'd a held my cloak too, but I wa'nt such a fool. 
 
 The first that appear'd, when I was come in, 
 With her train to her ankles, was who but the Queen. 
 She civilly made me a curtsy and straight, 
 Retired to sit on her Fagots of state. 
 
 Then in came the King with a Murtherous mind. 
 Gainst his new married Queen, which when I did find, 
 I call'd him a side, and whispering in's Ear, 
 Desired him to fetch me a Flagon of Bear. 
 
 There's twelve pence, said I, take the rest for your pains. 
 
 Your Servant said he. Sir, sweet Mr Haines. 
 
 His Majesty, faith, I must needs say was civil. 
 
 For he took up his Heels, and ran for't like a Devil. 
 
 Meantime I addrest myself to his Bride, 
 And took her unto the tireing House side j 
 A hay loft it was which at a dead lift. 
 Instead of a better serv'd then for a shift. 
 
 But mark the Fate of her Civility, 
 The Players did rant both at her and me : 
 And therefore because for fear she'd be lack'd 
 I ordred the Drummer to beat a long Act. 
 
 He beat and he beat, but no Queen appear'd, 
 He beat till at length the house was all clear'd : 
 By my Troath a sad loss, but to make 'em amends. 
 I threw 'em a Crown, and we were all Friends : 
 And so this Renowned History ends. 
 
 ' This is an allusion to the custom of the gallants sitting on stools 
 on the stage, so frequently spoken of by the dramatists of the sixteenth 
 century. Indeed Queen Anne found it necessary to issue two proclama- 
 tions forbidding people other than actors to go on the stage. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 239 
 
 [52.] A Gentleman upon a time having a man that could 
 write and read well, rebuked him one day for idlenesse, saying, 
 If I had nothing to do, like thee, I would to recreate my wit, 
 set down all the fooles I knew. The fellow, making little 
 answer, tooke his pen and inke, and as his Master had wished 
 him, fell to setting down a Catalogue of the fooles that he was 
 well acquainted with : among whom, and first of all, he set 
 down his Master, who, reading his name, would needs know 
 the nature of his folly; Marry, quoth he. In lending, your 
 Cozen twenty pound this other day : for I think he will never 
 pay you. Yea but (quoth his Master) what if he do pay me ? 
 Then (quoth his man) I will put out your name, and put down 
 his for a foole. 
 
 [20.] A Gentleman in North Wales was standing in a Sun- 
 shiny day, upon a high rock near the Sea-Side in those parts ; 
 and as he was looking about, he saw an Island some Four 
 miles from the shore or there abouts, upon which Island he 
 spy'd two Hares playing one with another : Well, says he, are 
 you got over there now ; for I am sure I cours'd you both 
 yesterday with my two Greyhounds, and then you shew'd me 
 a trick, but now I'll shew you one. So he went immediately 
 home, and fetch't his two Greyhounds, and a great Morter 
 piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight, which he 
 fastened between the two Dogs Necks ; but he was forced to 
 fasten a Cord to it also, lest the Dogs might run away with it ; 
 and when they had carry'd it to the Rock aforesaid, he charg'd 
 the Morter piece, and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into 
 it (for it seems they had been used to it) which two Grey- 
 hounds he ram'd in very well, and then discharg'd the Morter 
 piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds (for you must 
 know he shot with white Powder) and it so happened that says 
 he, I protest t'ye Gentlemen (upon my honest word and Credit 
 'tis true) that the two Greyhounds each lighted upon a Hare 
 as they were playing, and then kill'd 'em and immediately left 
 the Island, and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their 
 mouths, which were one boil'd and t'other roasted for my 
 dinner. One ask't him what colour his Greyhounds were? 
 He swore they were both black before, but the White Powder 
 
240 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 did so Change their Colour, that they were both turn'd grey ; 
 and so from them all of their kind were called Grey hounds, 
 for their sakes to this day. They told him they thought this 
 probable enough to be improbable. O Gentlemen, says he far 
 be it from me to tell you a lie, for if you won't believe me, 
 pray ask my Dogs. 
 
 Upon Thorough-good, an unthrift. 
 
 [5.] Thy Sirname Thorough-good befitteth thee, 
 
 Thou Thorough-good, and good goes thorough thee, 
 Nor thou in good, nor good in thee doth stay, 
 Both of you thorough goe, and pass away. 
 
 [77.] Tarlton having been domineering^ very late one night, 
 with two of his friends, and comming homewards along Cheape- 
 side, the Watch being then set. Master Constable asked, Wlio 
 goes there ? Three merry men, quoth Tarlton. That is not 
 sufficient, What are you? quod M. Constable. Why, sales 
 Tarlton, one of us is an eye maker, and the other a light 
 maker. What saiest thou, knave, doest mocke me ? the one 
 is an eye maker, the other a light maker, which two properties 
 belong unto God onely : commit these blasphemers, quoth the 
 Constable. Nay, I pray you, good M. Constable, be good in 
 your Office, I will approve what I have said to be true, qd 
 Tarlton. If thou canst, sales the Constable, you shall passe, 
 otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why (qd. Tarlton) 
 this fellow is an eye maker, because a Spectacle maker, and 
 this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes 
 your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn. The Constable, 
 seeing them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the 
 Watchmen laughed : & Tarlton with his two Companions 
 went home quietly. 
 
 [78.] One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman 
 because of evils. the least was to be chosen. 
 
 [26.] A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt, and being 
 ' Roystering, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 241 
 
 threatened by his Creditors, that they would have him, if he 
 was above ground, got himself into a Cellar, and there lay with 
 the Tapster ; and being reproved for so doing, he told them 
 there's no fear of catching him there, because 'twas under- 
 ground, and they durst not break their Oaths, because they 
 swore they would have him above Ground. 
 
 THE 
 
 UNFORTUNATE FENCER/ 
 
 or 
 
 The Couragious Farmer of Gloucester-shire 
 
 shewing 
 
 How this huffing Spark went down into those Parts, 
 
 Challenging any one at all sorts of Weapons ; and at 
 
 length (was) shamefully Conquer'd by a 
 
 Country Farmer. 
 
 To the Tune of The Spinning Wheel. Licensed according to Order. 
 
 [88.] You that delight in merriment, 
 
 be pleased attend a while, 
 I hope to give you all content, 
 
 this very Song will make you smile ; 
 'Tis of a Fencer brave and bold, 
 
 adom'd with rich embroider'd Gold. 
 
 This Spark in pomp, and rich array, 
 from London rid with right good will, 
 
 That he young Lords might learn to play 
 all sorts of Weapons by his skill ; 
 
 And whereso e'er this Fencer came, 
 the drum, and trumpet blaz'd his fame. 
 ' For tune, see Appendix. 
 
242 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 This huffing Fencer, fierce and Stout, 
 to Gloucester City did repair, 
 
 And for a Sign he then hung out 
 a Sword of grand Defiance there ; 
 
 The which a Farmer did espy, 
 as he by Chance was passing by. 
 
 The jolly Farmer brisk and bold, 
 as soon as he the Sword beheld, 
 
 He cry'd what is there to be sold ? 
 
 what ! is your Room with Rapiers fiU'd ? 
 
 The Valiant Fencer did reply 
 I come my Valour here to try. 
 
 With that he did his Rapier shake, 
 and said let who will here arrive, 
 
 I do a noble Challenge make, 
 to fight the stoutest man alive : 
 
 The Farmer said I'll answer thee, 
 if that you dare to Cope with me. 
 
 The Fencer cry'd, you sorry knave, 
 here by this Rapier in my hand, 
 
 I'll send the to thy silent Grave, 
 
 against my force no Clown can stand ; 
 
 It shall be try'd the Farmer cry'd, 
 I value not your huffing Pride. 
 
 Next Morning they a Stage prepare, 
 
 the drums did beat and trumpets sound, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 243 
 
 Right joy full ty dings to declare, 
 this Gallant trac'd the City round, 
 
 Dress'd in his Shirt of Holland fine, 
 with Sword that did like Silver shine. 
 
 The Stage he mounted brisk and gay, 
 and eke the Farmer straight likewise ; 
 
 To whom the Huffing Spark did say, 
 of you I'll make a Sacrifice ; 
 
 This work in short I will compleat, 
 
 you should have brought a Winding Sheet. 
 
 No more of that, but let's fall to, 
 I hope to make my Party good ; 
 
 And e'er this World I bid adieux, 
 who knows but I may let you blood ; 
 
 With that he cut him o'er the Face, 
 and thus began the Spark's Disgrace. 
 
 But when they came to Quarter Staff, 
 the Farmer bang'd the Spark about ; 
 
 Which made all the Spectators laugh, 
 and with Huzzas they all did shout ; 
 
 He made his Head and Shoulders sore, 
 he ne'er had been so thrash'd before. 
 
 Thus fairly did he win the day, 
 which put the Fencer in a Rage, 
 
 Who through the Crowd did sneak away, 
 while the stout Farmer kept the Stage ; 
 
 Huzzas of joy did echo round, 
 
 while he with Victory was Crown'd. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby,i J. Deacon,^ J. Blare,^ J. Back.* 
 
 ^ Philip Brooksby had two shops, — one, the Golden Ball, near Bear 
 Tavern, in West Smithfield ; the other, Harp and Ball, also Golden Ball, 
 in Pye Comer. 
 
 2 J. Deacon lived at the Rainbow, near David's Inn, or St. Andrew's 
 Church, Holborn. 
 
 ^ Josiah Blare's shop was the Looking Glass, on London Bridge. 
 
 ^ John Back also lived on London Bridge, at the sign of the Black Boy. 
 
244 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [86.] Ylng James with some of his Nobles having lost their 
 way in a Forest in the persuit of a Deer, came at last a hungry 
 to the side of the same Forest where they espied a little House ; 
 thither hyed the King, and demanded first what victuals in the 
 House, then with some comfortable leysure the way ; the good 
 wife sets before the King a good piece of powdered ^ Beefe and 
 a bag pudding, the King and his Followers fell to eat heartily, 
 & having contented his hostess rid away : by the road side at 
 some distance, a boy presents himself scraping with his legs, 
 bare headed, whereon was a thick scald : Sirrah, said the Lords, 
 cover your head, have you never a Cap ? where do you dwell ? 
 In yonder Cottage an't please you (pointing to the place where 
 the King dined) I had a Cap yesterday, but to day my mother 
 made use of it for a pudding bag ; Quofh the King, it did me 
 no harme in the eating, it shall do me lesse in thinking of it ; 
 come, put on, and let us jog it dow|ij but it stirred the 
 stomacks of his Traine. 
 
 [17.] One Pace a bitter Jester in Queen Elizabeth's daies, 
 came to Court : Come says the Ladies, Pace, we shall now 
 hear of our faults : No, says he, I don't use to talk of that 
 which all the Towne talks of. 
 
 [12.] One saw an Old Woman, 
 
 Which indeed is Common, 
 With her nose to meet with her chin ; 
 'Tis strange, says he, me-thinks, 
 For when that she drinks 
 The De'el a drop can she get in. 
 
 He was then told the cause, 
 And what the reason was 
 
 That her teeth were fell out, and her chin 
 And Nose, like loving Neighbours, 
 Think well of their Labours, 
 
 To reconcile 'em agen. 
 
 1 Salted. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 245 
 
 [52.] A Worshipful! Gentleman in London, having on a 
 time invited divers of his friends to supper to his house, and 
 being at supper, the second course comming in, the first was 
 one of the Gentleman's own men, bringing a Capon ; and by 
 chance, stumbling at the portall door, the Capon flew out of 
 the platter and ranne along the board to the upper end of the 
 table where the Master of the house sate, who making a jest 
 of it, said, By my faith it is well, the Capon is come first, my 
 man will come anon too, I hope. By and by came his man, 
 and takes up the Capon, and layes it in the platter, and sets 
 it on the board. I thank you Sir, quoth his Master, I could 
 have done so my self I, quoth his man, it is an easie matter, 
 sir, for one to do a thing when he sees it done before his 
 face. 
 
 [17.] Some Tylers working on the top of the house, one by 
 chance dropt down through the rafters ; Says one, I like such 
 a Fellow dearly, for he is one that goes through his work. 
 
 [26.] Another swore, that he in his Travels round about 
 the World, which he had encompast Three times and half in 
 Seven years time, but could not finish the other half, because 
 he fell very Sick, and so was forc't to return back agen ; and 
 in his return, he came to a King's Court, but I cannot for my 
 life remember the place, because I have been in so many ; and 
 there, says he, I saw a Lute of a very great bigness, and Thirty 
 Ells long, bating only three inches, and Three broad, and 
 swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb. 
 Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on ? He 
 told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants (of which 
 there's abundance in that Country) had Two large Iron Bows, 
 made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons, with which he, and ' 
 his dear Consort (which I think is the best name for her now, 
 in regard of that Musick) scrat ore the strings ; that is, she 
 on the Treble part, and He on the Bass, whilst Eight great 
 Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute, with 
 their bare feet, and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid ; (but 
 you must conceive that these dogs were bred up to't, or else 
 'twere a thing impossible) to the admiration of all strangers 
 
246 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 that were there; and the Case of that Lute served for a 
 kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in : but it seems 'tis common 
 with them there, for they made nothing of it; and this he 
 made good by whole Volleys of thundering Oaths. 
 
 [5.] A fat house keeper makes leane Executors. The 
 Devill is not alwaies at one doore. He puis with a long rope, 
 that waights for anothers death. 
 
 Come buy this new Ballad, before you doe goe ; 
 If you raile at the Author, I know what I know. 
 
 To the Tune of, Ik tell you but so. 
 
 [89.] It is an old saying 
 
 that few words are best, 
 And he that sayes little, 
 
 shall live most at rest : 
 And I by experience 
 
 doe finde it right so. 
 Therefore He spare speech, 
 
 but I know what I know. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 247 
 
 Yet shall you perceive well, 
 
 though little I say, 
 That many enormities 
 
 I will display : 
 You may guesse my meaning 
 
 by that which I show, 
 I will not tell all 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be some great climbers 
 
 compos'd of ambition, 
 To whom better-born men 
 
 doe bend with submission : 
 Proud Lucifer climbing 
 
 was cast very low, 
 He not stay these men. 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Foxes 
 
 that goe on two legges, 
 They steale greater matters 
 
 than Cocks, Hens and Egges ; 
 To catch many Guls 
 
 in Sheepes cloathing they goe 
 They might be destroy'd 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many men 
 
 that Devotion pretend. 
 And make us beleeve 
 
 that true Faith theyle defend : 
 Three times in one day 
 
 to Church they will goe. 
 They cozen the world, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many rich men 
 
 both Yeomen and Gentry, 
 That for their owne private gaine 
 
 hurt a whole Countrey : 
 
248 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 By closing free Commons, 
 yet they'le make as though 
 
 Twere for common good, 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be divers Papists 
 
 that to save their Fine, 
 Come to Church once a moneth 
 
 to heare Service Divine : 
 The Pope gives them power, 
 
 as they say, to doe so 
 They save money by't too 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Upstarts 
 
 that spring from the Cart, 
 Who gotten to th' Court 
 
 play the Gentleman's part : 
 Their fathers were plaine men, 
 
 they scorne to be so. 
 They think themselves brave 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Officers 
 
 men of great place, 
 To whom, if one sue 
 
 for their favour and grace. 
 He must bribe their servants 
 
 while they make as though 
 They know no such thing, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Women 
 
 that seem very pure, 
 A kisse from a stranger 
 
 they'le hardly endure : 
 They are like Lucretia, 
 
 modest in show. 
 I will accuse none, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 249 
 
 Likewise there be many 
 
 dissembling men, 
 That seeme to hate Drinking 
 
 and Women, yet when 
 They meet with a Wench 
 
 to the Taverne they'le goe. 
 They are civill all day 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Batchelors ' 
 
 that to beguile 
 Beleeving kind Lasses, 
 
 use many a wile, 
 They all sweare that they love, 
 
 when they meane nothing so, 
 And boast of these tricks 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There's many an Usurer, 
 
 that like a Drone, 
 Doth idly live 
 
 upon his moneys Lone : 
 From Tens unto Hundreds 
 
 his money deth grow, 
 He sayes he doth good, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Gallants 
 
 that goe in gay Rayment, 
 For which the Taylor 
 
 did never receive payment ; 
 They ruffle it out 
 
 with a gorgeous show. 
 Some take them for Knights, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There be many Rorers 
 that swagger and rore. 
 
250 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 As though they in the warres had been, 
 
 seven yeeres or more : 
 And yet they never lookt 
 
 in the face of a Foe ; 
 They seeme gallant Sparkes 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There's many both Women 
 
 and Men that appeare 
 With beautifull Outsides 
 
 the Worlds eyes to bleare : 
 But all is not Gold 
 
 that doth glister in show, 
 They are fine with a Pox, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 There's many rich Trades-men 
 
 who live by Deceit, 
 And in Weight and Measure 
 
 the poore they doe cheat, 
 They'le not sweare an Oath 
 
 but indeed, I, and No, 
 They truly protest. 
 
 but I know.&c. 
 
 There be many people 
 
 so given to strife, 
 That they'le goe to Law 
 
 for a two-penny Knife, 
 The Lawyers ne're atske them 
 
 why they doe so, 
 He gets by their hate, 
 
 but I know &c. 
 
 I know there be many 
 will carpe at this Ballet, 
 
 Because it is like 
 
 sowre Sawce to their Pallet ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 251 
 
 But he, shee, or they, 
 
 let me tell ere I goe, 
 If they speak against this Song 
 
 I know what I know. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed by the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke.i 
 
 [82.] A Proper Gentlewoman went to speak with a rich 
 Mizer that had more Gowt than good manners, at her taking 
 leave hee requested her to tast a Cup of Canara : Shee 
 (contrary to his expectation) tooke him at his word and 
 thanked him. Hee commanded Jeffrey Starveling his man, 
 to wash a glasse, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest 
 Jeffrey fill'd a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors 
 thimbles, and gave it to his master, who kist it to save cost, 
 and gave it to the Gentlewoman, saying that it was good 
 Canara of six yeeres old at the least, to whom shee answered 
 (seeing the quantity so small,) Sir, as you requested me, I 
 have tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so 
 little, being of such a great age. 
 
 [61.] There were two notable boon Companions which 
 when they were met were alwayes so indeared to each others 
 Company that very seldom an earlier houre than midnight 
 could part them, but when they were drunk they had two 
 troublesome infirmities. Jack could not goe nor Will could 
 not speak ; therefore one night before they fell to drinking, 
 they made Articles of Agreement that when they were drunke 
 ?^/// should caxry Jack, and /ac^ should speak for Will, and 
 after this agreement to drinking they went pell-mell, untill the 
 one was drunk, and the other lame : So after they had paid 
 the Reckoning, Will takes up Jack a pick-pack and carries 
 him to Ludgate, and being very weary sets him down in the 
 dark close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who 
 were within the Gate hearing a bustle, called out, saying, Who 
 
 ' Published in 1620, and assigned his patent the same year. He is 
 also heard again of in 1642, when his patent was petitioned against, but 
 unsuccessfully. 
 
252 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 goes there ? Come before the Constable. Will could goe 
 well enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the 
 Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he 
 was out so late, and where he lived; to which Will could 
 answer nothing, but make mouths : but Jack having his 
 tongue at hberty, as he was sitting in the blind hole, cryes to 
 the Constable, Sir, he cannot speak. Upon that the Constable 
 asked who was that which spake, and commanded him to 
 come before him ; to which Jack made answer. Sir, I can't 
 goe, at which the Constable and Watch laught ; Will took up 
 his load again and away they marcht. 
 
 To his Quill. 
 
 [5.] Thou hast been wanton, therefore it is meet. 
 Thou shouldst do penance — do it jn a sheet. 
 
 [128.] Caricature of different religious sects. 1646. 
 
 Adanntt 
 
 ^eeJc 
 
 er 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 253 
 
 Jirim 
 
 ntaiv 
 
 Cj^iuorcer 
 
 ii/uvt 
 
254 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [78.] One said Physitians had the best of it, for, if they did 
 well, the world did proclaime it, if ill, the earth did cover it. 
 
 [77.] Upon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife (as passengers) 
 came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty 
 storme arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the 
 Captaine thereof charged every man to throw into the Sea 
 the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten 
 somewhat the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered 
 to throw her over-boord : but the company rescued her ; and 
 being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answerd. 
 She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her. 
 
 [4.] A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged, had 
 the benefit ^ of Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the 
 Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say. God 
 bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and 
 Mother ; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might 
 have been hanged for all the King. 
 
 [4.] One asking a certain Person how his friend came off 
 at the Sessions House ? he told him he was to be Burnt in 
 the Hand ; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter ; for, for 
 a Uttle Fee, the'U Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron. 
 
 [5.] Marriage as old men note, hath likened bin 
 Unto a publique feast, or common route. 
 Where those that are without, would fain get in. 
 And those that are within would faine get out. 
 
 [26.] A Gentleman that had a great Wit, and well belov'd 
 among the great ones, and therefore invited often amongst 
 them ; but it seems had a very sore Leg ; he, being at a 
 Noble mans Table, greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine. Says 
 my Lord to him. Prithee Jack drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy 
 Leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my Leg, for I 
 have care enough of that, for I always drink o' the t' other side. 
 1 This plea was put in for mitigation of punishment, the person 
 presumably being a clerk or learned person, exemplified by his being able 
 to read, the punishment then being commuted to burning on the hand. 
 In later days it became a farce, as a bribe would have the effect of being 
 apparently branded with only a warm or cold iron. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 255 
 
 or 
 
 The Patient Mans Woe 
 
 Declaring the misery, and the great paine 
 By his unquiet wife he doth dayly sustaine. 
 
 To the Tune of Cuckolds all arcrwe. 
 
 [90.] Come Batchelors and Married Men, 
 
 and listen to my Song ; 
 And I will shew you plainely then, 
 
 the injury and wrong 
 That constantly I doe sustaine, 
 
 by the unhappy Ufe, 
 The which does put me to great paine, 
 
 by my unquiet Wife. 
 
 ' For tune, see Appendix. 
 
256 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Shee never linnes ^ her bauling, 
 
 her tongue it so loud, 
 But alwaies shee'l be railing, 
 
 and will not be contrould ; 
 For she the Briches still will weare, 
 
 although it breedes my strife, 
 If I were now a Batchelor, 
 
 I'de never have a Wife. 
 
 Sometime I goe i' th' morning 
 
 about my dayly worke. 
 My wife she will be snorting, 
 
 and in her bed she'le lurke ; 
 Untill the Chimes doe goe at Eight, 
 
 then she'le begin to wake, 
 Her mornings draught well spiced straight, 
 
 to cleare her eyes she'le take. 
 
 As soon as shee is out of bed, 
 
 her Looking Glass she takes. 
 So vainely is she dayly led, 
 
 her mornings worke she makes ; 
 In putting on her brave atyre, 
 
 that fine and costly be, 
 Whilst I worke hard in durt and mire, 
 
 alacke what remedy. 
 
 Then she goes forth a Gossiping, 
 
 amongst her own Comrades, 
 And then she falls a bowsing ^ 
 
 with her merry blades : 
 When I come from my labour hard, 
 
 then shee'le begin to scould, 
 And calls me Rogue without regard, 
 
 which makes my heart full cold. 
 
 When I for quietnesse sake desire, 
 
 my wife for to be still ; 
 She will not grant what I require, 
 but sweares shee'le have her will ; 
 ' Ceases, or leaves off. ^ Drinking. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 257 
 
 Then if I chance to heave my hand, 
 
 straightway she'le murder cry ; 
 Then judge all Men that here do stand 
 
 in what a Case am I. 
 
 And if a Friend by chance me call, 
 
 to drinke a pot of Beere ; 
 Then she'le begin to curse and brail, 
 
 and fight and scratch and teare : 
 And sweares unto my worke she'le send 
 
 me straight without delay. 
 Or else with the same Cudgels end, 
 
 shee will me soundly pay. 
 
 And if I chance to sit at meate 
 
 upon some holy day, 
 She is so sullen she will not eate, 
 
 but vexe me ever and aye : 
 She'le pout, and loure, and curse and bann, 
 
 this is the weary hfe, 
 That I do leade, poore harmlesse man, 
 
 with my most dogged wife. 
 
 Then is not this a pitteous Cause, 
 
 let all men now it trie, 
 And give their verdits by the Lawes, 
 
 betweene my wife and I : 
 And judge the Cause who is to blame. 
 
 He to their Judgement stand, 
 And be contented with the same 
 
 and put thereto my hand. 
 
 If I abroad goe any where, 
 
 my businesse for to doe. 
 Then will my Wife anone be there, 
 
 for to encrease my woe ; 
 Straightway she such a noise will make, 
 
 with her most wicked tongue. 
 That all her Mates her part to take, • 
 
 about me soon will thronge. 
 
258 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thus am I now tormented still, 
 
 with my most wicked Wife, 
 All through her wicked tongue so ill 
 
 I am weary of my life : 
 I know not truely what to doe, 
 
 nor how myselfe to mend : 
 This lingring life doth breede my woe, 
 
 I would 'twere at an ende. 
 
 that some harmlesse honest man, 
 whom Death did so befriend, 
 
 To take his Wife from of his hand, 
 
 his sorrowes for to end : 
 Would change with me to rid my care, 
 
 and take my Wife alive, 
 For his dead Wife unto his share, 
 
 then I would hope to thrive. 
 
 But so it likely will not be, 
 
 that is the worst of all. 
 For to encrease my dayly woe 
 
 and for to breed my fall : 
 My wife is still most froward bent, 
 
 such is my lucklesse fate, 
 There is no man will be content, 
 
 with my unhappy state. 
 
 Thus to conclude and made an ende 
 of these my Verses rude, 
 
 1 pray all wives for to amende, 
 
 and with peace to be endude : 
 Take warning all men by the Ufe 
 
 that I sustained long. 
 Be carefuU how you chuse a Wife, 
 and so He ende my Song. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Arthur Halliarg} 
 London. Printed by M. P. for Henry Gosson ^ on London Bridge 
 ^ neere the Gate. 
 
 ' This ballad is supposed to be unique, and is the only known work 
 of HalUarg, who is not mentioned by Hazlitt. 
 
 2 The date of this ballad in the Museum Catalogue is 1610 {?). 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 259 
 
 [91.] A Bishop on a time examining one that sought to be 
 admitted into the ministery, asked him how many Sacraments 
 there were ; to which question, he, after long pause, answered 
 there were 9 ; Nine, quoth he, how prove you that ? Why, 
 quoth hee, there are 7 beyond sea, and two in England; at 
 which the B. laughing at his ignorance, yet grieved for his 
 folly, sent him away as worthily frustrate of his expectation. 
 
 [4.] A Man being ask'd whether his friend Tom, that was 
 lately dead, had left him any Legacy? No, faith, says he. 
 Not a Tester to drink his health. 
 
 [26.] In the Wars in Germany, between the Swedes and 
 them, there was so great a Frost one Winter, that Two Men 
 desiring to talk with one another, and one was on one side of 
 the River, and t'other on the other, and as they spoke one to 
 another, the Frost was so great, that it froze ^ up their words, 
 which was not audible then, nor indeed (upon my reputation) 
 could not be heard till Nine days after, when it chanc'd to 
 thaw : which one of the company hearing said 'twas a brave 
 Country to speak Treason in ; for whatsoever a Man said, a 
 Man could not be heard ; Nay, the very lowings of the Bulls 
 and Cows were froz'n up also, that the owners had much ado 
 to find them to fodder them, for want of hearing them as 
 formerly. Nay, by your favour, says another, there is another 
 Country, which had as great a Conveniency to speak Treason 
 in as that had, from 1648 to 1660, and there one might speak 
 any sort of Treason, and was never call'd to an account for 
 it : Nay, the more Treason they spoke, they were the better 
 esteem'd ; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in 
 England. 
 
 [52.] There was a notable drunkard of Rochester, whom 
 his wife perswaded as much as in her lay, to leave that Sinne ; 
 but the more she spake the worse he was, and because she 
 controuled him, he would all to beat her. So she let him 
 alone; and because his use was still to stay out till almost 
 
 ^ A somewhat similar story may be found previously, in Rabelais, and 
 some sixty years subsequently, in Baron Munchausen. 
 
26o Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 midnight, she went to bed, and bad her Maid tary up for him, 
 and make a good fire : and the maid did as her Mistresse 
 commanded. One night when he came home the Maid let 
 him in, and he stood by the fire and warmed himself; but his 
 head being too heavy for his body, down he fell into the fire 
 along. The Maid ranne crying, Oh Mistresse, Mistresse, my 
 Master is falne into the fire. No Matter, Maid (quoth she) let 
 him take his pleasure in his owne house, where he will 
 himselfe. 
 
 [4.] A Gentleman not richest in discretion, 
 
 Was alwayes sending for his own phisition. 
 And on a time he needs would of him know. 
 What was the cause his pulse did go so slow ? 
 Why (quoth the Doctor) thus it comes to passe, 
 Must needs go slow, which goes upon an asse. 
 
 [82.] An unhappy boy that kept his father's sheepe in the 
 country, did use to carry a paire ^ of Cards in his pocket, and 
 meeting with boyes as good as himselfe would fall to Cards at 
 the Cambrian game of whip-her-ginny,^ or English one and 
 thirty ; at which sport, hee would some dayes lose a sheepe or 
 two : for which if his father corrected him, hee (in revenge) 
 
 ' A pack. 
 
 2 The same author mentions this game again in "Taylors Motto," as 
 also many other games then in vogue, the names of which are curious — 
 
 " The Prodigall's estate, like to a flux. 
 The Mercer, Draper, and the Silk man sucks ; 
 The Taylor, Millainer, Dogs, Drabs and Dice, 
 Trey trip or Passage, or the Most at thrice ; 
 At Irish, Tick tacke. Doublets, Draughts or Chesse, 
 He flings his money free with carelessnesse : 
 At Novum, Mumchance, mischance (chuse ye which) 
 At One and Thirty, or at Poore and rich, 
 Ruffe, flam. Trump, noddy, whisk, hole, Sant, New Cut, 
 Unto the keeping of foure Knaves he'l put 
 His whole estate at Loadum, or at Gleeke, 
 At Tickle me quickly, he's a merry Greeke, 
 At Primefisto, Post and payre, Primero, 
 Maw, Whip-her-ginny, he's a lib'rall Hero ; 
 At My-sow-pigg'd : and (Reader never doubt ye. 
 He's skill'd in all games except) Looke about ye. 
 Bowles, shove-groate, tennis, no game comes amiss, 
 His purse a purse for any body is." 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 261 
 
 would drive the sheepe home at night over a narrow bridge, 
 where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned 
 in the swift brooke. The old man being wearied with his 
 ungracious dealing, complained to a Justice, thinking to 
 affright him from doing any more the like. In briefe, be- 
 fore the Justice the youth was brought, where (using small 
 reverence, and lesse manners) the Justice said -to him, Sirrah, 
 you are a notable villaine, you play at Cards, and lose your 
 father's sheepe at one and thirty. The Boy replied that it 
 was a lye. A lye, quoth the Justice, you saucy knave, dost 
 thou give me the lye ? No, qd the boy, I gave thee not the 
 lye, but you told me the lye, for I never lost sheepe at one 
 and thirty; for when my game was one and thirty I alwayes 
 wonne. Indeed, said the Justice thou saist true, but I have 
 another accusation against thee, which is, that you drive your 
 fathers sheepe over a narrow bridge where some of them are 
 oftentimes drowned : That's a lye too, quoth the boy, for 
 those that go over the bridge are well enough, it is onely those 
 that fall beside which are drowned : Whereto the Justice said 
 to the boys father. Old man, thou ha.st brought in two false 
 accusations against thy sonne for he never lost sheepe at one 
 and thirty, nor were there ever any drowned that went over 
 the bridge. 
 
 The 
 
 Unfortunate WELCH MAN 
 
 or 
 
 The Untimely Death of Scotch Jockey. 
 
 If her will Fight, her cause to right, 
 
 as daring to presume 
 To Kill and Slay, then well her may 
 
 take this to be her Doom. 
 
 To the Tune of The Country Farmer. This may be Printed R. P. 
 
 [92.] Stout Shonny-ap-Morgan to London would ride. 
 To seek Cousen Taffie whatever betide ; 
 Her own Sisters Son, whom her loved so dear. 
 Her had not beheld him this many long year : 
 
262 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Betimes in the morning stout Shonny arose, 
 And then on the Journey with Courage her goes, 
 ' A Cossit ^ of Gray was the best of her Close, 
 
 Her Boots they were out at the heels and the toes. 
 
 A Sword by her side, and with Bob the Gray Mare, 
 Her rid on the Road like a Champion so rare ; 
 At last how it happened to her hard Lot, 
 To meet with young Jockey, a bonny brisk Scot ; 
 Then Jockey was jolly, and thus he did say, 
 Let's gang to the Tavern, drink wine by my fay. 
 Then Shonny consented, and made no delay. 
 But Jockey left Shonny the Reckoning to pay. 
 
 While Morgan was merry, and thinking no ill. 
 The Scotchman he used the best of his skill ; 
 Considering how he might scamper away, 
 For why Sir, he never intended to pay : 
 But like a false Loon he slipt out of door. 
 And never intended to come there no more, 
 Poor Shonny-ap-Morgan, was left for the Score, 
 Cotzo her was never so served before. 
 
 Her paying the Shot, then away her went, 
 The Welch blood was up, and her mind was bent. 
 For speedy pursuing he then did prepare. 
 Then Morgan did mount upon Bob the Gray Mare ; 
 Then Whip and Spur stout Shonny did ride. 
 And overtopk Jockey near to a Wood side, 
 ' ? Corset. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 263 
 
 And pull'd out her Sword in the height of her Pride, 
 And wounded ^oox Jockey who presently dy'd. 
 
 Then Shonny was taken and hurry'd to Jail, 
 Where her till the Sessions did weep and bewail ; 
 And then at the last, by the Laws of the Land, 
 Was brought to the Bar to hold up her Hand ; 
 O good her Lord Shudge poor Shonny did cry, 
 Now Whip her, and send her to Wales her Country ; 
 Or cut off a Leg, or an Arm, or an Eye, 
 For her is undone, if Condemned to dye. 
 
 But this would not do, poor Shonny was cast. 
 And likewise received her sentence at last ; 
 A Gentleman Robber just at the same time, 
 Received just Sentence then due for his Crime ; 
 Then Shonny-ap-Morgan her shed many tears, 
 Her heart was possessed with sorrow and fears. 
 The Gentleman Thief likewise hung down his ears. 
 For then he expected his antient Arrears. 
 
 The day being come, they must both bid adieu, 
 Forsaking the world and the rest of their Crew ; 
 The Spark was attir'd so gallant and gay. 
 But Shonny was poor, and in ragged array : 
 And when they came both to the Gibbet Tree, 
 The Gentleman gave to the Hangman a Fee, 
 And said, let this Welch man Hang farther from me, 
 So vile and so ragged a Rascal is he. 
 
 The Welch-man he heard him, and was in a rage, 
 
 That nothing almost, could his anger asswage ; 
 
 But fretting and chafiSng, he thus did begin. 
 
 Her will make her to know that her came of good kin ; 
 
 Besides her will tell her her hearty belief, 
 
 That her is no more than a Gentleman Thief, 
 
 That robbed on the Roads, and the Plain and the Heath, 
 
 Her now will Hang by her in spight of her teeth. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for /. Deacon at the Angel in Guiltspur Street. 
 
264 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [82.] A Country fellow (that had not walked much in streets 
 that were paved) came to London, where a dog came suddenly 
 out of a house, and furiously ran at him : the fellow stooped 
 to take up a stone to cast at the Dog, and finding them all 
 fast rammed, or paved in the ground ; quoth hee, what strange 
 Country am I in ? where the people tye up the stones, and let 
 the dogs loose. 
 
 [93.] George (Peele), with others of his Associates, being 
 mery together at the Taverne, having more store of Coyne 
 than usually they did possesse ; although they were regardlesse 
 of their silver, yet they intended for a season to be good 
 husbands, if they knew how to be sparing of that their pockets 
 were then furnished withall : Five pounds they had amongst 
 them, and a plot must be cast how they might bee merrie with 
 extraordinarie cheere three or foure dayes, and keepe their 
 five pounds whole in stocke : George Peele was the man must 
 doe it, or none, and generally they coniured him by their 
 loves, his owne credit, and the reputation that went on him, 
 that he would but in this shew his wit : and, withall, hee should 
 have all the furtherance that in them lay. George as easie, as 
 they earnest, to be wonne to such an exploit, consented and 
 gathered their money together, and gave it all to George, who 
 should be their purse bearer, and the other foure should seeme 
 as servants to George Peele and the better to colour it, they 
 should goe change their cloakes, the one like the other, so 
 neere as they could possible : the which, at Beelzebub's brother, 
 the Broker's, they might quickly doe : This was soone accom- 
 plished, and George was furnished with his blacke Sattin suit, 
 and a paire of bootes, which were as familiar to his legges, as 
 the pillory to a Bakers or Colliers ^ necke, and hee sufficiently 
 possest his friends with the whole scope of his intent, as, gentle 
 Reader, the sequell will shew. Instantly they tooke a paire of 
 Oares, whose armes were to make a false gallop no further than 
 Brainford, where their faire was paid to them so liberally, that 
 each of them the next tide to London, purchased two new 
 wastcoates, yet should these good benefactors come to their 
 usuall places of trade, and if they spie a better fare than their 
 ' Now termed coal merchants, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 265 
 
 owne, that happily the Gentleman hath more minde to goe 
 withall, they will not onely fall out with him that is of their 
 owne sweet transporters, as they are, but abuse the fare 
 they Carrie with foule speeches, as, a Pox, or the Devill go 
 with you : as their Godfather Caron the Ferry-man of Hell 
 hath taught them. I speake not this of all, but of some that 
 are brought up in the East, some in the West, some in the 
 North, but most part in the South : but for the rest they are hon- 
 est compleat men, leaving them to come to my honest George ; 
 who is now merry at the three Pigeons ^ in Braineford, with 
 Sacke and Sugar, not any wine wanting, the Musicians playing, 
 my host drinking, my hostis dauncing with the worshipfull 
 Justice, for so then he was tearmed, and his Mansion house in 
 Kent, who came thither of purpose to be merry with his men ; 
 because he could not so conveniently neere home, by reason 
 of a shrewish wife he had : my gentle hostis gave him all the 
 entertainment the house could afford, for M. Peek had paid 
 royally ; for all his five pounds was come to ten groats. Now 
 George PeeUs wit labors to bring in that five pounds there was 
 spent, which was soone begotten. Being sot at dinner, My 
 host, quoth George, how fals the Tyde out for London ; not 
 till the evening, quoth mine Hoste, have you any businesse. 
 Sir? Yes, marry, quoth George, I intend not to goe home 
 this two dayes : Therefore, my Hoste, saddle my man a horse 
 for London, if you be so well furnished, for I must send him 
 for one bag more, quoth George, ten pounds hath seen no 
 Sunne this six moneths. I am ill furnished if I cannot furnish 
 you with that, quoth my Hoste, and presently sadled him a 
 
 ^ This sign, which exists at Brentford now, was that of a famous house 
 at that time. It is noticed in the old comedy of "The Roaring Girl, or 
 the Catchpole," thus — 
 
 " Thou art admirably suited for the Three Pigeons 
 At Brentford ; I swear I know thee not." 
 
 And Ben Jonson in his "Alchemist" makes Subtle say to Doll Common, 
 "We will turn our course to Brainford, westward, if thou saist the word 
 ... My fine flitter-mouse ^ my bird o' the night, wee'U tickle it at the 
 pigeons." It has been suggested, with some show of probability, that this 
 sign took its origin from the three doves which Noah sent out from the 
 ark. 
 
 1 A bat. 
 
266 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 good Nag, and away rides one of George's men to London, 
 attending the good house of his Master Peek in London ; In 
 the meane time George bespeakes great cheare to Supper, 
 saying he expected some of his friends from London. Now 
 you must imagine there was not a peny owing in the house, 
 for he had paid as liberall as Coesar, as far as Ccesar's wealth 
 went. For indeed most of the money was one Caesar's an 
 honest man yet living in London : but to the Catastrophe. 
 All the day before, had one of the other men of George Peek 
 been a great soliciter to my Hostis, she would beg leave of his 
 Master he might go see a Maid, a sweet heart of his, so farre 
 as Kingstone, and before his Master went to bed, he would 
 returne againe ; saying he was sure shee might command it at 
 his Masters hands. My kinde Hostis willing to pleasure the 
 yong fellow, knowing in her time what belonged to such 
 matters, went to Master Peek, and moved him in it : which he 
 angerly refused. But she was so earnest in it, that shee swore 
 hee should not deny her, protesting he went but to see an 
 uncle of his some five miles off. Marry, I thanke you, quoth 
 George, my good Hostis, would you so discredit me, or hath 
 the knave no more wit, than at this time to goe, knowing I 
 have no horse here, and would he, base cullian, go afoot ? 
 Nay, good Sir, quoth mine Hostis, be not angry, it is not his 
 intent to goe afoot ; for hee shall have my Mare, and I will 
 assure you. Sir, upon my word, he shall be here againe, to 
 have you to bed. Wei, quoth George, Hostis He take you at 
 your word, let him goe, his negligence shall light upon you. 
 So be it, quoth mine Hostis : so down goeth she, and sends 
 away civill Thomas, for so she cal'd him, to his sweet heart 
 backt upon her Mare : which Thomas instead of riding to 
 Kingstone, tooke London in his way, where, meeting with my 
 other horseman, attended the arrivall of George Peek, which 
 was not long after. They are at London, George in his 
 Chamber at Brainford, accompanied with none but one 
 Anthony Nit, a Barber, who Din'd and Sup't with him con- 
 tinually, of whom he had borowed a Lute to passe away the 
 melancholy afternoone, of which he could play as well as 
 Banks's ^ his horse. The Barber very modestly takes his leave ; 
 ' See footnote, p. 125. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 267 
 
 George obsequiously bids him to supper, who (God willing) 
 would not faile. George being left alone with his two supposed 
 men, gave them the meane how to escape, and, walking in the 
 Court, George found fault with the weather, saying it was 
 rawish, and cold : which words mine Hostis hearing, my kinde 
 Hostis fetched her Husbands holiday Gowne ; which George 
 thankfully put about him, and withall called for a cup of Sacke, 
 after which he would walke into the Meddowes, and practise 
 upon his Lute. 'Tis good for your worship to do so, quoth 
 mine Hostis : which walk George took directly to Sion,i 
 where, having the advantage of a paire of Oares at hand, made 
 this Journey to London, his two Associates behind, had the 
 plot in their heads by Georges instruction for their escape : for 
 they knew he was gone ; my Hostis, she was in the Market 
 buying of provision for Supper : mine Hoste he was at Tables,^ 
 and my two masterlesse men desired the maids to excuse them 
 if their Master came, for, quoth they, we will goe drinke two 
 pots with my Smug Smithes wife at old Brainford. I warrant, 
 you, quoth the Maides. So away went my men to the Smith's 
 at old Brainford ; from thence to London, where they all met, 
 and sold the Horse and the Mare, the Gowne and the Lute, 
 which money was as badly spent, as it was lewdly got. How 
 my Hoste and my Hostis lookt when they saw the event of 
 this ; goe but to the three Pigeons at Brainford, you shall 
 know. 
 
 [94.] Two being in a Tavern, the one swore the other 
 should pledge him : why then, quoth the other, I will ; who 
 went presently down the stairs, and left him as a pledge for 
 the Reckoning 
 
 [91.] First my mother brought me forth, when shortly after, 
 I, the Daughter, bring forth my mother againe. 
 
 Resolution. Of water is first made ice, which afterwards 
 melts, and brings forth water againe, and so the daughter 
 brings forth the mother, as the mother first the daughter. 
 
 1 Sion House, now the seat of the Duke of Northumberland, is oppo- 
 site the western end of Kew Gardens. 
 
 * Backgammon, or any other games played on the same board. 
 
268 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Times Alteration 
 
 or 
 
 The Old Mans rehearsall, what brave dayes he knew 
 A great while agone, when his old Cap was new. 
 
 To the Tune of lie nere be drunke againe. 
 
 [94*.] When this Old Cap was new, 
 
 tis since two hundred yeere, 
 No malice then we knew, 
 
 but all things plentie were : 
 All friendship now decayes, 
 
 (beleeve me this is true) 
 Which was not in those dayes, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 The Nobles of our Land 
 were much delighted then, 
 
 To have at their command 
 a Crue of lustie Men : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 269 
 
 Which by their Coates were knowne 
 
 of Tawnie, Red or Blue, 
 With Crests on their sleeves showne 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Now Pride hath banisht all, 
 
 unto our Lands reproach. 
 Then he whose meanes is small, 
 
 maintaines both Horse and Coach. 
 Instead of an hundred Men, 
 
 the Coach allows but two ; 
 This was not thought of then, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Good Hospitalitie 
 
 was cherisht then of many. 
 Now poore men starve and die, 
 
 and are not helpt by any 
 For Charitie waxeth cold, 
 
 and Love is found in few ; 
 This was not in time of old, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Where ever you travel'd then, 
 
 you might meet on the way 
 Brave Knights and Gentlemen, 
 
 clad in their Country Gray ; 
 That courteous would appear, 
 
 and kindly welcome you, 
 No Puritans then were, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Our Ladies in those dayes 
 
 in civill Habit went, 
 Broad-cloth was then worth prayse, 
 
 and gave the best content ; 
 French Fashions then were scom'd, 
 
 fond Fangles then none knew. 
 Then Modestie Women adorn'd, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
270 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 A Man might then behold, 
 
 at Christmas, in each Hall, 
 Good Fires, to curbe the Cold, 
 
 and Meat for great and small. 
 The Neighbours were friendly bidden, 
 
 and all had welcome true, 
 The poor from the Gates were not chidden, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Black Jackes to every man 
 
 were fill'd with Wine and Beere, 
 No Pewter Pot nor Kanne 
 
 in those dayes did appeare : 
 Good cheare in a Noble-mans house 
 
 was counted a seemly shew. 
 We wanted no Brawne nor Sowse 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 We tooke not such delight 
 
 in Cups of Silver fine. 
 None under the degree of a Knight, 
 
 in Plate drunk Beere or Wine. 
 Now each Mechanicall man, 
 
 hath a Cup-board of Plate for a shew, 
 Which was a rare thing then, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Then Briberie was unborne, 
 
 no Simonie men did use, 
 Christians did Usurie scorne, 
 
 devis'd among the Jewes. 
 Then Lawyers to be Feed, 
 
 at that time hardly knew. 
 For man with man agreed, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 No Captaine then carowst 
 
 nor spent poore Souldiers Pay, 
 
 They were not so abus'd 
 as they are at this day. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 271 
 
 Of seven dayes they make eight, 
 
 to keepe from them their due, 
 Poore Souldiers had their right 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 Which made them forward still 
 
 to goe, although not prest. 
 And going with good will, 
 
 their fortunes were the best. 
 Our English then in fight 
 
 did forraine Foes subdue, 
 And forst them all to flight, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 God save our gracious King, 
 
 and send him long to live. 
 Lord, mischiefe on them bring, 
 
 that will not their almes give. 
 But seeke to rob the Poore, 
 
 of that which is their due ; 
 This was not in time of yore, 
 
 when this old Cap was new. 
 
 M. P.i 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke. 
 
 [77.] In the Country Tarlton told his Hostesse he was a 
 Conjurer. O, Sir (sayes she) I had pewter stolne off my shelf 
 the other day, help me to it, and I will forgive you all the 
 pots of Ale you owe mee, which is sixteene dozen. Sayes 
 Tarlton, To morrow morning the Divell shall help you to 
 it, or I will trounce him. Morning came, and the Hostesse 
 and he met in a roome by themselves. Tarlton, to passe the 
 time with exercise of his wit with circles and tricks, fals to 
 coniure, having no more skill than a dogge. But see the 
 iest, how contrarily it fell out : as he was calling out, mons, 
 pons, simul & fons, and such like, a Cat (unexpected) leapt 
 ' ? Martin Parker. 
 
272 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 from the gutter window, which sight so amazed Tarlton, that 
 he skipt thence, & threw his Hostesse downe, so that he 
 departed with his fellowes, and left her hip out of joynt, be- 
 ing then in the Surgeons hands, & not daring to tell how it 
 came. 
 
 [4.] One ask'd a Fellow if he would go into the Water 
 with him : No, says he, I'll never go into the Water till I 
 have learnt to Swim. 
 
 [26.] A Woman accidentally coming into the room where 
 they were, and hearing them speak of that Frost ^ in Germany, 
 told some such stories ; but when she saw the Company began 
 to scruple at the truth of it (which I wonder they did, if they 
 consider but her following discourse) then she up and told 
 them That her dear and loving Husband, peace be with him, 
 was in that great Frost, out late one night, which, truly, Gen- 
 tlemen, I believe was the occasion of his death ; though he 
 lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it ; he, I say, riding 
 that night, came to a Common, where were great store of 
 very good Cole-pits, insomuch that he fell down to the bottom 
 in one of them, and his Horse fell directly upon him ; that it 
 was impossible at that time of night, and in such weather, to 
 be relieved in that great distress ; and, having lain so for a 
 long time, and no hopes to be relieved at all, he presently 
 bethought himself, and immediately rose, and went to the 
 next Village, and there borrowed a Pickaxe and a Spade, and 
 then came back with 'em to the Pit, and first digged out him- 
 self, and then his Horse, and so about Five a Clock in the 
 Morning came home ; but so weary and so cold, that he could 
 not unbutton his Doublet : Nay, says she, after I had hope 
 (sic) him off with all his Cloaths : he was so benumb'd, that 
 I was forc'd to take a Warming Pan of hot Coles, and so went 
 all over his body, yet was he so cold, that he scarcely felt, 
 though the Warming Pan sometimes stood a pretty while 
 together in one place ; which truly. Gentlemen, I was fain to 
 do for my Dear Husband : which confirmed them in the 
 belief of it, that it was as true as any of the rest, and gave her 
 
 ' See ante, p. 259. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 273 
 
 thanks for it also, and so she made them half a dozen reverend 
 Courchys and bid 'em good by. 
 
 On a Cobler. 
 
 [5.] Death at a Coblers doore oft made a stand, 
 And alwaies found him on the mending hand ; 
 At last came death in very foule weather. 
 And ript the soale from the upper leather : 
 Death put a trick upon him, and what was't ? 
 The Cobler call'd for's awle, death brought his Laste. 
 
 [82.] There was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes, 
 who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of 
 wine : but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it, 
 maintaining it for the lesser evill, to shut up the windowes of 
 his body, than to suifer the house to fall downe, through want 
 of repair. 
 
 [52.] In Gloucestershire dwelt one that cured frantick men 
 in this manner ; when the fit was on them he would put them 
 in a gutter of water, some to the knees, some to the middle, 
 and some to the neck, as the disease was on them. So one 
 that was well amended, standing at the gate, by chance a 
 Gentleman came riding by with his Hawks and his Hounds. 
 The mad fellow called him, and said. Gentleman, whether go 
 you ? On hunting (quoth the Gentleman.) What do you with 
 all those Kites and Dogs ? They be Hawks and Hounds, 
 quoth the Gentleman. Wherefore keep you them ? (quoth the 
 other). Why, (quoth he) for my pleasure. What do they cost 
 you a yeare to keepe them ? Forty pounds (quoth the Gentle- 
 man) And what do they profit you ? (quoth he) Some ten 
 pounds (quoth the Gentleman) Get thee quickly hence, quoth 
 the fellow, for if my Master finde thee here, he will put thee into 
 the gutter up to the throat. 
 
 The next illustration is a scathing satire on the treatment 
 of the army in Ireland. Perhaps the tersest notice of the 
 history of this time is in The Chronological Historian, by W. 
 Toone. "16 Feb. 1646. The Parliament sent a Committee 
 to form the Army for Ireland. — The Commissioners found the 
 Army not inclined to obey them." 
 
2 74 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The humble Petition of us the Parliaments poore 
 Souldiers in the Army of Ireland, whereof 
 many are starved already, and many dead 
 for want of Chirurgions. 
 
 [95.] That we the poor distressed Souldiery under the 
 Parliaments Service in Ireland, having heretofore served the 
 Parliament under the Lord Generall Essex, Valiant Massey, 
 and noble Sir William Waller, and the rest, &c, did in all 
 faithfulnesse, hardship and desperate service as ever any, 
 hazzard our lives and fortunes, and did according to order obey 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 275 
 
 and disband, then not so much as doubting of all our Arreares, 
 and now have almost served you two years in all integrity 
 and faithfulnesse both Winter and Summer, wet and dry, 
 frost and Snow, having no other bedding than the bare ground 
 for our beds, and the skies for their covering, and when dry 
 in the day and night, no other signe to drink at but the Sun 
 and Moone, and nothing but water, having no plenty, but 
 cold backs, hungrie bellies, and puddle water, and when sore 
 wounded, not a Surgeon to dresse us, or if a Surgeon, no 
 chest, nor salve, nor oyntments ; and for bread many times 
 not a loafe of two pence under sixpence, and rotten Cheese 
 sent, not fit for a dog, and for butter, it went from London to 
 Dover, and mistook Dublin and went to Dunkirk, and for our 
 new Cloathes all made of the French fashion, and being too 
 little for any of us, were carried to France to cloath them, 
 hardly hats to our heads but what our haire growes through, 
 and neither hose or shooes, doublet or breeches, tearing our 
 Snapsacks to patch a hole to hide our naked and starved flesh, 
 and our swords naked for want of scabberds : Thus with our 
 backs without cloaths and our bellies without food, and not 
 a penny to buy anything, and the kernes having burnt all the 
 come and destroyed aU fit for succour, we forced to march 
 bare legged and bare footed, having neither fire nor food, we 
 perish in misery, and our Commanders being in a manner in 
 the same case, having nothing but good words to pay us with, 
 shewing us often your Orders upon Orders for our pay, plenti- 
 fully promising but not performing, and thus wee dropping 
 downe dead daily in our marching, and so feeble and so 
 weak, being not able to fight or do any more service without 
 some supply, but all like to starve and die in misery, when all 
 meanes is anticipated, and the Tax of 60000I. wholly ingrossed 
 by your Army from us, and your Souldiery quartered in Kings 
 houses, and clad Gentile like, and fed in Free-quarter to the 
 full, and lie in good beds, and take their pleasure and ease in 
 rest and peace. 
 
 We humbly desire our hungry bellies may once be filled, 
 and our naked backs be cloathed, and our legs and feet be 
 hosed and shooed, and our Surgeons once more fitted, and all 
 recruited with food to supply us once more, that we may go 
 
276 Humour, Wit, and Sahre 
 
 out again to finish that work we have begun, and not to lie 
 Uke Drones to eat up ethers meat, and we do not doubt, but 
 with Gods blessing to give you a happy account of the Con- 
 quest of the whole Land, and shall ever pray for' a happy 
 Parliament. 
 
 DUBLIN : Printed by W. B. 1648 {Feb. 18. 1647). 
 
 Good Ale for my Money^ 
 
 The Good-fellowes resolution of strong Ale, 
 That cures his nose from looking pale. 
 
 To the Tune of The Countrey Lass. 
 
 [96.] Be merry my friends, and list a while 
 
 unto a merry jest. 
 It may from you produce a smile, 
 
 when you heare it exprest : 
 Of a young man lately married, 
 
 which was a boone good fellow ; 
 This song in 's head he alwaies carried, 
 
 when drinke had made him mellow. 
 / cannot go home, nor I will not go lionie, 
 
 it's 'long of the oyle of Barly, 
 I'le tarry all night for my delight, 
 
 and go home in the morning early. 
 
 No Tapster stout, or Vintner fine, 
 
 quoth he shall ever get 
 One groat out of this purse of mine 
 
 to pay his masters debt : 
 Why should I deal with sharking Rookes, 
 
 that seeke poore guls to cozen, 
 To give twelve pence for a quart of wine, 
 
 of ale 'twill buy a dozen. 
 'Twill make me sing, I cannot go home 6-^ 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. The Country Lass is identical with Stingo. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 The old renowned Ipocrist^ 
 and Raspie^ doth excell, 
 
 But never any wine could yet 
 my honour please to swell : 
 
 277 
 
 ^ 
 
 ^m^^S!'^ 
 
 wm^m 1 
 
 
 
 \ 
 
 I 
 
 ^^'^^^^^ 1 
 
 
 
 1^ 
 
 % 
 
 
 5 
 
 The Rhenish wine or Muscadine, 
 
 sweet Malmsie is too fulsome, 
 No, give me a cup of Barlie broth 
 
 for that is very wholesome. 
 ^ Twill make me sing d^c — 
 
 Hot Waters are to me as death, 
 and soon the head oreturneth, 
 
 1 Hippocras, a compound of wine, sugar, and spice mixed and strained 
 through a cloth. 
 
 2 Or raspis — raspberry wine. 
 
2/8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And Nectar hath so strong a breath 
 
 Canary when it burneth. 
 It cures no paine but breakes the braine, 
 
 and raps out oathes and curses, 
 And makes men part with heavie heart, 
 
 but light it makes their purses. 
 T cannot go home &"£ 
 
 Some say Metheglin^beares the name, 
 
 with Perry and sweet Sider, 
 'Twill bring the body out of frame, 
 
 and reach the belly wider : 
 Which to prevent I am content 
 
 with Ale that's good and nappie. 
 And when thereof I have enough, 
 
 I thinke myselfe most happy. 
 / cannot go home &'c 
 
 All sorts of men when they do meet, 
 
 both trade and occupation, 
 With curtesie each other greet, 
 
 and kinde humiliation : 
 A good coale fire is their desire, 
 
 whereby to sit and parly, 
 They'le drinke their ale and tell a tale 
 
 and go home in the morning early. 
 / cannot go home Gr^c 
 
 Your domineering swaggering blades, 
 
 and Cavaliers that flashes, 
 That throw the Jugs against the walls, 
 
 and break in peeces glasses. 
 When Bacchus round cannot be found, 
 
 they will in merriment 
 Drink ale and beere and cast of care, 
 
 and sing with one consent. 
 / cannot go home <5r»c 
 
 Lawrence Price. 
 Printed at London. 
 1 A mixture of honey and water, boiled and fermented. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 279 
 
 [52.] A notable yong Rogue, having plaid some notable 
 knavish pranke, was for the offence to be whipt, and as hee 
 was ready to be tied to the Cart, hee said to the Beadle that 
 should whip him ] Here is ten Shillings for thee, I pray thee 
 use mee kindly, and deale not too cruelly with me : to whom 
 the Beadle promised great curtesie ; but being tied fast to the 
 Cart, hee whipt him very severely. The fellow called unto 
 him, and bad him remember his promise : What knave (quoth 
 the Beadle) do'st prate and talke, and knowest not the Law. 
 Afterward being released he bethought himselfe how he might 
 be revenged on the Beadle, and seeing him stand in the 
 Market, pickes a pocket, and puts the purse into the Beadles 
 pocket, and goes to the fellow, from whom he had stolne the 
 purse, saying. Friend, do you misse nothing? who presently 
 cryed out, saying He had lost his purse. Yonder Beadle hath 
 it (quoth hee) and you shall finde it in his pocket, I saw him 
 take it. The man that had lost his purse goes unto the 
 Beadle, and apprehended him, for his purse, who utterly 
 denied he had it, neither knew of any such matter. But 
 being found about him, he was condemned to die for it. The 
 pick- pocket being imprisoned againe for some small fault 
 desired he might be hangman that day, and it being granted : 
 When the Beadle came to be hanged. Sirrah (quoth the pick 
 pocket) do you remember how you whipt me the other day 
 when I gave you ten shillings ? I. (quoth the Beadle) I pray 
 thee forgive me, I am now ready to dye. I. sirrah (quoth hee) 
 thank me for it, for I pickt the purse and put it in your 
 pocket. With that the Beadle began to cry aloud, saying. 
 Hold, hold. What, knave, (quoth the pick pocket) do'st talke 
 and prate, and knowest not the Law. And so he turned him 
 beside the ladder. 
 
 [17.] A fat man riding upon a lean horse, was ask'd. Why 
 he was so fat, and the horse so lean ? said : Because I look 
 to myself, and my 'man to my horse. 
 
 [4.] A Blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, 
 the Gentleman's man came running to him, and told him that 
 the blind Minister was come to see him. 
 
28o 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The very rare book from which the accompanying illus- 
 tration is taken is not of interest to the general reader. It is 
 a dialogue between the miller and those who bring their wives, 
 etc., to be ground young again ; but the woodcut itself is very 
 curious as a caricature. 
 
 [97.] 
 
 [26.] Another Fellow said that he had heard all their 
 stories, and did think at first that some of them had been 
 untruths, but now, says he, I am better satisfied ; and I will 
 tell you what I know upon my own knowledge. I was once 
 in some company where I heard one of them say that to his 
 knowledge a Raven would live a hundred years : so the next 
 day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal, 
 and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing ; and I think 
 in my Conscience no Bird but a Raven could sing like him. 
 Well, says he, I kept this Bird above a hundred years ; nay, 
 if I should say two hundred, I should not lie, (and fed him 
 all the time myself) At last being very tame I turn'd him 
 out of the Cage and put him into a Room, where I had only 
 a Goose, but never a Gander for her : I know not how it 
 happened, but the Raven and the Goose fell in league to- 
 gether (for you must know 'twas a Cock Raven,) and she 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 281 
 
 brought ten young ones, all coloured half black, and half 
 white; and those Five which were black towards the head 
 cry'd just like a Raven, and those that were white towards the 
 head, cry'd like Geese, and I eat one of the former, that was 
 black towards the head ; and, if you'll believe me, I have had 
 ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach, especially 
 if I see any Carrion, that 'tis a great disturbance to me : Nay, 
 one of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife 
 Carrion; and though I did not love her before; yet ever 
 since I have had a great kindness for her. Then they told 
 him that the strangness of this story made it true, and the 
 Proverb makes it good, that is ^Tis not so strange as true. 
 
 The following caricature of Shrovetide, which has more 
 artistic merit than most similar productions, has a companion in 
 Lent, which, however, not being able to procure the original, I 
 do not give. 
 
 [98.] Fatte Shrovetyde mounted on a good fatt Oxe, 
 Suppos'd that Lent was mad, or caught a Foxe^ 
 Armd Cap a pea from head unto the heele, 
 A Spit, his long sword, somewhat worse than Steele, 
 (Sheathed in a fatt Pigge, and a Peece of Porke) 
 His bottles fil'd with Wine, well-stopt with Corke. 
 The two plump Capons fluttering at his Crupper, 
 And's shoulders lac'd with Sawsages for Supper ; 
 The Gridir'n (like a well strung Instrument) 
 Hung at his backe, and for the Turnament 
 His Helmet is a Brasse Pott, and his Flagge 
 A Cookes foule Apron, which the wind doth wagg, 
 Fixd to a Broome, thus bravely he did ride, 
 And boldly to his foe, he thus replyde. 
 
 What art thou, thou leane jawde Annatamie 
 All spirit (for I no flesh upon thee spie) 
 Thou bragging peece of ayre and smoake that prat'st. 
 And all good fellowship and friendship hat'st. 
 You'le turne our feasts to fasts, when, can you tell 
 Against your spight, we are provided well. 
 
 ' I.e. foxed or drunk. 
 
282 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thou sayst thou'lt ease the Cookes, the Cooks could wish 
 Thee boyld, or broyld with all thy froathy fish, 
 For one fish dinner takes more paines and cost 
 Than three of flesh, bak'd, roast or boyld, almost. 
 
 SHROVETTDE 
 
 JotilhatlaUreJtuy,DfaTAtii^JitJlii>j Lnaei , SHROVE -5fl^/i/yi>M'0f<i«/"'"'ShlDvetTdc InUtisJray 
 
 Youle take away our playes, our sports and pleasure, 
 And give the Butchers time for ease and leasure. 
 Alasse poor scabbe, how barren are thy hopes 
 The Fencers, Beares, and Dauncers on the Ropes, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 283 
 
 Is manly sport, or lawlesse recreation 
 Which all thy sev'n weeks time, are still in fashion. 
 The truth is, thou aswagest few mens hunger. 
 And hast no faithfull friend but the Fishmonger. 
 There's little danger to attend on me. 
 When men are drownd at Sea to furnish thee. 
 Pease pottage, and dryde beanes, by proofe we find, 
 Offends and fills men with unwholsome wind, 
 And ere I'le be a slave and pinch my maw 
 rie breake all Proclamation, rule and Law, 
 Wee'le fill our Tubs with powdred flesh, beside 
 By licenc't Butchers we will be supplyde 
 With fresh meat ; so hungry Lent adieu, 
 We are resolv'd to feed in spight of you 
 
 FINIS 
 LONDON 
 
 Printed by M. S. for Thomas Jenner, and are to be sold at his 
 Shop at the South Entrance of the Royal Exchange 1 660. 
 
 [93.] George (JPeele) was not so merry at London with his 
 Capons and Claret, as poore Anthony the Barber was sorrow- 
 full at Brainford for the losse of his Lute, & therefore deter- 
 mined to come to London to seeke out George Peek, which by 
 the meanes of a Kinsman that Anthony Nit had in London, 
 his name was Cuts or Feats, a Fellow that had good skill in 
 tricks on the Cards, and he was well acquainted with the place 
 where George^ s common abode was, and for kindred sake he 
 directed the Barber where he should have him, which was at 
 a blinde Ale house in Sea-cole Lane.^ There he found 
 George in a greene Jerkin, a Spanish platter fashioned Hat, 
 all alone with a Pecke of Oysters. The Barber's heart danc'd 
 within him for joy he had so happily found him ; he gave him 
 the time of the day. George not a little abashed at the sight 
 of the Barber, yet went not to discover it openly ; he that at 
 all times had a quicke invention, was not now behind hand 
 to entertaine my Barber, who knew for what his comming was. 
 1 This lane was between Snow Hill and Fleet Lane. 
 
284 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 George thus saluted him, My honest Barber, quoth George, 
 welcome to London, I partly know your businesse, you come 
 for your Lute, doe you not ? Indeed Sir, quoth the Barber, 
 for that is my comming. And beleeve me, quoth George, you 
 shall not lose your labour, I pray you stand to, and eat an 
 oyster, and I'le go with you presently : For a Gentleman in 
 the Citie of great worship, borrowed it of me for the use of 
 his Daughter, that plays exceeding well, and had a great 
 desire to have the Lute ; but. Sir, if you will goe along with 
 me to the Gentlemans house, you shall have your Lute with 
 great satisfaction, for had you not come, I assure you I had 
 sent to you ; for you must understand that all that was done 
 at Brainford among us mad Gentlemen, was but a jest, and no 
 otherwise. Sir, I think not any otherwise, quoth the Barber, 
 but I would desire your worship, that as you had it of me in 
 lone, so in kindnesse you would helpe me to it againe. What 
 else, quoth George, He goe with thee presently, even as I am, 
 for I came from hunting this morning, and should I go up to 
 the certain Gentlemen above, I should hardly get away. I 
 thank you Sir, quoth the Barber, so on goes George with him 
 in his greene Jerkin, a wand in his hand very pretty, till he 
 came almost to the Alderman's House, where, making a 
 sodaine stay. Afore God, quoth George, I must crave thy 
 pardon at this instant, for I have bethought myselfe, should 
 I go as I am, it would be imagined I had had some of my 
 Lords hounds out this morning, therefore I'le take my leave 
 of thee, and meet thee where thou wilt about one of the Clock. 
 Nay good Sir, quoth the Barber, goe with me now, for I 
 purpose, God willing, to be at Brainford tonight. Saist thou 
 so, quoth George, why then I'le tell thee what thou shall doe, 
 thou art here a stranger, and altogether unknowne, lend me 
 thy Cloake and thy Hat, and doe thou put on my greene 
 Jerken, and I'le goe with thee directly along. The Barber, 
 unwilling to leave him untill he had his Lute, yeelded to the 
 change. So when they came to the Gentleman's porch he ' 
 put on Georges greene Jerken and his Spanish Hat : and he 
 the Barbers Cloake, and his Hat ; either of them being thus 
 fitted, George knocks at the doore, to whom the Porter bids 
 heartily welcome, for George was well knowne, who at that 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 285 
 
 time had all the oversight of the Pageants, he desires the 
 Porter to bid his friend welcome, for he is a good fellow and 
 a keeper, Master Porter, one that at his pleasure can bestow 
 a haunch of Venison on you : Marry that can I, quoth the 
 Barber. I thank you Sir, answered the Porter, Master Peek, 
 my Master is in the Hall, pleaseth it you to walke in ? With 
 all my heart, quoth George, in the meane time let my friend 
 beare you company. That he shall. Master Peele, quoth the 
 Porter, and if it please him he shall take a simple dinner with 
 me. The Barber gives him harty thankes, nothing doubting 
 Master Peele any way, seeing him knowne, and himselfe so 
 welcome, fell in Chat with the Porter. George Peele goes 
 directly to the Alderman, who now is come into the Court in 
 the eye of the Barber, where George after many complaints, 
 drawes a black paper out of his bosome, & making action to 
 the Barber, reads to the Alderman as followeth, I humbly 
 desire your worship to stand my friend in a sleight matter ; 
 yonder hard favoured knave, that sits by your Worship's 
 Porter, hath dog'd me to arrest me, and I • had no other 
 meanes but to take your Worship's house for shelter; the 
 occasion is but triviall, onely for stealing of a piece of flesh, 
 rayselfe consorted with three or foure gentlemen of good 
 fashion, that would not willingly have our names come in 
 question. Therefore this is my boone, that your Worship 
 would let one of your servants let me out at the Garden doore, 
 and I shall think myselfe much indebted to your Worship. 
 The kind Gentleman, little dreaming of George PeeUs deceit, 
 took him into the Parlor, gave him a brace of Angels, & 
 caused one of his servants to let George out at the Garden 
 doore, which was no sooner opened, but George made way 
 for the Barber seeing him any more, and all the way he went, 
 could not choose but laugh at his knavish conceit ; how he 
 had guld the simple Barber, who sat all this while with the 
 Porter, blowing of his nayles ; to whom came this fellow that 
 'let George out. You whorson Keeperly Rascall, quoth the 
 fellow, dare you come any honest Gentleman in my Masters 
 house ? Not I, so God helpe me, quoth the Barber, I pray 
 Sir where is the Gentleman Master Peele that came along with 
 me? Farre enough, quoth the Fellow, for your comming 
 
286 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 neere him, he is gone out at the Garden doore. Garden 
 doore ? quoth the Barber, Sir, I am no Keeper, I am quite 
 undone : I am a Barber dwelling at Brainford, and, with 
 weeping teares, up and told him how George had used him. 
 The servant goes in & tels his Master; which when he heard, 
 he could not but laugh at the first : yet in pitty of the poore 
 Barber, he gave him twenty shillings towards his losse. The 
 Barber, sighing, tooke it, and towards Brainford home he goes, 
 and whereas hee came from thence in a new Cloake and a 
 faire Hat, hee went home weeping in an old Hat, and a greene 
 Jerken. 
 
 The accompanying illustration is taken from a tract, in 
 itself of no literary merit or humour, but the picture is amusing, 
 representing a " Brown ^ Dozen of Drunkards, ali-ass Drink- 
 haros, Jocoseriously descanted to our wine drunk, wrath 
 drunk, and zeale drunk staggering times." 
 
 [99.] 
 
 [94.] A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, 
 found his wife hard at her spinning ; she reproving him for his 
 ill husbandry, and commending herself for her good huswifery, 
 
 ' Most probably meant for a round dozen, or baker's dozen, as there 
 are thirteen depicted and thirteen characters in the tract. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 287 
 
 he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she 
 had been spinning, he came home all the way reeling. 
 
 [91.] There was a man bespake a thing. 
 
 Which when the owner home did bring. 
 He that made it did refuse it, 
 And he that bought it would not use it. 
 And he that hath it doth not know. 
 Whether he hath it, I, or no. 
 Resolution A Coffin bought by another for a dead man. 
 
 [86.] One affirmed that he had been in a certain Country, 
 where their Bees were as big as our Sheep. This impudent 
 lye one began to examine, and therefore said, sure then the 
 Bee-hives must be of a huge bignesse; No, saith the other, 
 they are no bigger than ours; How then can they get in? 
 said one. This bogled^ the lyar like a Mouse in pitch ; at 
 last he answered, let them whom it concerns look to that. 
 
 A Health to all Good-Fellowes : 
 
 or 
 •The good Companions Arithmaticke. 
 
 To the Tune of, To drive the cold Winter away. 
 
 Be merry my hearts, and call for your quarts, 
 
 and let no liquor be lacking. 
 We have gold in store, we purpose to roare, 
 
 untill we set care a packing. 
 Then Hostis make haste, and let no time waste, 
 
 let every man have his due, , 
 
 To save shooes and trouble, bring in the pots double, 
 
 for he that made one made two. 
 
 I'le drink up my drinke, and speak what I thinke, 
 strong drinke will make us speake truely, 
 ' Puzzled, bothered. 
 
288 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 We cannot be termed all drunkards confirmed, 
 
 so long as we are not unruly. 
 Wee'le drinke and be civill, intending no evill, 
 
 if none be offended at me, 
 As I did before, so lie adde one more, 
 
 and he that made two made three. 
 
 The greedy Curmudgin sits all the day snudging^ 
 at home with browne bread and small beare, 
 
 To Coffer up wealth, he starveth himselfe, 
 scarce eats a good meale in a yeare. 
 
 But I'le not do so, how ere the world go 
 so long as I have money in store 
 
 I scorne for to faile, go fil us more Ale, 
 for he that made three made four. 
 
 Why sit you thus sadly, because I call madly, 
 
 I meane not to leave in the lurch, 
 My reckoning He pay ere I go away, 
 
 else hang me as high as a Church. 
 Perhaps you will say, this is not the way, 
 
 they must pine that in this world will thrive, 
 No matter for that, wee'le laugh and be fat, 
 
 for he that made foure made five. 
 ^ Being mean, miserly. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 289 
 
 To those my good friends my love so extends, 
 
 I cannot truely expresse it ; 
 When with you I meet, your words are so sweet, 
 
 I am unwilling to misse it. 
 I hate all base slaves that their money saves, 
 
 and all those that use base tricks, 
 For with joviall blades, I'm merry as the Maids, 
 
 for he that made five made six. 
 
 Then drink about round till sorrow be dround, 
 
 and let us sing hey downe a derry, 
 I cannot endure, to sit thus demure, 
 
 for hither I came to be merry. 
 Then plucke up a good heart before we depart, 
 
 with my Hostesse we will make it even. 
 For I am set a madding, and still will be adding, 
 
 for he that made six made seven. 
 
 Sad mellanchoUy will bring us to folly, 
 
 and this is deaths principall magent, (sic) 
 But this course I will take, it never shall make 
 
 me looke otherwise than an agent. 
 And in more content my time shall be spent, 
 
 and I'le pay every man his right, 
 Then hostesse go fill, and stand not so still, 
 
 for he that made seven made eight. 
 
 At home I confesse, with my wife honest Besse, 
 
 I practise good husbandry well, 
 I follow my calling, to keep me from falling ; 
 
 my neighbours about me that dwell 
 Wil praise me at large for maintaining my charge, 
 
 but when I to drinking incline 
 I scorne for to shrinke, go fetch us more drinke, 
 
 for he that made eight made nine. 
 
 Then while we are here, wee'le drinke Ale & Beer, 
 
 and freely our money wee'le spend, 
 Let no man take care, for paying his share, 
 
 if need be I'le pay for my friend, 
 u 
 
290 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Then Hostesse make haste, and let no time waste, 
 
 you're welcome all, kind Gentlemen; 
 Never fear to Carowse, while there is beere in the house, 
 
 for he that made nine made ten. 
 
 Then Hostesse be quicker, and bring us more liquor, 
 
 and let no attendance be missing, 
 I cannot content me, to see the pot empty, 
 
 a full cup is well worth the kissing. 
 Then Hostesse go fetch us some, for till you do come, 
 
 we are of all joyes bereaven, 
 You know what I mean, make haste, come again, 
 
 for he that made ten, made eleven. 
 
 With merry solaces, quite voyd of all malice, 
 
 with honest good fellowes thats here, 
 No cursing nor swearing, no staring nor tearing, 
 
 amongst us do seeme to appeare. 
 When we have spent, all to labour we fall, 
 
 for a living wee'le dig, or wee'le delve, 
 Determin'd to be both bounteous and free, 
 
 he that made eleven, made twelve. 
 
 Now I think it is fit and most requisit, 
 
 to drinke a health to our wives, 
 The which being done, wee'le pay and be gone, 
 
 strong drinke all our wits now deprives. 
 Then, Hostesse, let's know the sum me that we owe, 
 
 twelve pence there is for certain 
 Then fill t'other pot, and here's money for't 
 
 for he that made twelve made thirteene. 
 
 FINIS. 
 London, Printed for Henry Gossen. 
 
 [52.] An untravelled Irish man intended to see England, 
 and arriving at London, chanced to light on a Barbers shoppe, 
 supposing by his cluster of Basons hanging at the door, it must 
 of necessity be some penny-pottage Ordinary : and, wanting 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 291 
 
 the language, entred the shop, and pointed to his mouth, 
 meaning some victuals to stay his hunger. The Barber 
 gathered by this signe, that the poore fellow had pain in his 
 teeth, and desired to have one pluckt out ; willed him to sit 
 downe in his Chaire, and approached with his dismall instru- 
 ments towards the fellows chaps. The Irishman began to 
 wonder at this strange kinde of feeding, giving the Barber to 
 understand (so well as he could) he was never brought up to 
 that kinde of feeding, and with an unmannerly thrust bad him, 
 Avant.^ The Barber, half discontented, tumbled the Irish 
 man with his Chair upside down, who, sprawling on the ground 
 began to seeke after the doore, and made as much haste to 
 his lodging as he could : where, meeting with one of his 
 Countrymen, hee prayed him, of all loves, to depart this 
 Country of England, and returne to that worthy Ireland. For, 
 (quoth he) they be ill divels here, and no honest men, since 
 when a poore stranger makes shew of hunger, the knavish 
 Inhabitants will break out men's teeth like dogs, and so send 
 us to our Country again with never a tooth in our heads : which 
 caused much good mirth to all that heard it. 
 
 [17.] A great Lord being in the Tower was visited by some 
 other Lords ; and being merry, one began the Kings health, 
 which he refused to pledge. They told him 'twould be ill 
 taken : Why truly, my Lords, sales he, I'll pray for the Kings 
 health, but drink for my own. 
 
 [4.] A gentleman ordr'd a Crane for Supper ; but his Cook, 
 having a Sweetheart in a longing condition, cut off a Leg and 
 sent her; so the one Legg'd Crane was set on the Table, 
 which the Gentleman seeing, was enrag'd at his Cook ; but 
 he, being an arch Wag, readily told the Gentleman that 
 Cranes had but one Leg, and avowed it with that Confidence, 
 that he gain'd upon his wise Masters belief; but he, resolving 
 to observe it as he was walking in the Fields one Frosty 
 Morning, he saw a flock of Cranes, and, sending for his Cook, 
 they held up one of their Legs under their Wings, as is 
 
 ^ Avaunt, begone. 
 
292 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 the Custom of those birds in the cool weather. So, says his 
 Cook, I hope your Worship is satisfied that they have but one 
 Leg; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them, cries 
 Cush, and frighted them up. Whereupon both Legs appear'd. 
 Look, says the Gentleman, they have now two Legs. Oh, 
 says the Cook, if you had cried Cush to that in the Dish, it 
 wou'd have had two Legs too. 
 
 [26.] A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt, and 
 had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity, but one among 
 the rest, that of leaping so well, that no Ditch or Hedg, 
 though never so broad or deep but he whipt over : nay, an 
 ordinary House was nothing with him, or small Country 
 Church also, but yet could never leap over the Steeple. It 
 fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad 
 on him, came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide, 
 which you'll say was very broad ; yet this poor beast leapt 
 with him to the very brink of the River on the other side, and 
 there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree which ran 
 into his Belly ; which the Master seeing, alighted, and so left 
 the poor Beast in that condition, yet would not kill him, and 
 so went away. About six months after, this Gentleman was 
 riding that way with his Man, and as they rode, says his 
 Master, Don't you see something move yonder? Yes, says 
 he, I think I see a Tree go ; and coming near to it, they put 
 aside all the Boughs, and there spied his late Horse, which he 
 thought had died there : so they cut off all the Boughs, which 
 were so many as to load almost three Carts, and then he took 
 the poor Beast home, and cur'd him of all but the stump of 
 the Tree which was in his Belly ; and, indeed he need not do 
 it, for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year ; that is, 
 at least two or three load of Wood, which serv'd him to burn 
 in his Chamber; for he would never burn any other than 
 that, out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his. But 
 some that heard him tell it, thought it savour'd too much 
 of the Legend : Why, if you won't believe me, ask my Man, 
 who knows it as well as I, and shall swear it too, if you 
 please. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century, 
 
 293 
 
 [18.] Here at last doth she lie in quiet, 
 
 Who whilst she lived was ever unquiet 
 
 Her Husband prays, if by her Grave you walk, 
 
 You'd gently tread, for if waked, she'll talk. 
 
 The following was written in 1646, and is a satire on the 
 then feeling of the army. 
 
 C6e 
 
 I. 
 
 [100.] No money yet, why then let's pawn our swords, 
 And drinke an health to their confusion 
 Who doe instead of money send us words. 
 Lets not be subject to the vain delusion 
 
 Of those would have us fight without our pay. 
 While money chinks, my Captain i'le obey. 
 
294 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 II. 
 
 I'le not be slave to any servile Groom, 
 Let's to the Sutlers and there drink and sing 
 My Captain for a while shall have my room, 
 Come hither Tom, of Ale two douzen bring, 
 
 Plac'd Ranke and File, Tobacco bring us store, 
 And as the Pots doe empty, fill us more. 
 
 III. 
 
 Let the Drum cease, and never murmure more, 
 Untill it beat, warning us to repair 
 Each man for to receive of Cash good store. 
 Let not the Trumpet shril, ere rend the ayre, 
 Untill it cites us to the place where we 
 May heaps of silver for our payment see. 
 
 IV. 
 
 I come not forth to doe my Countrey good, 
 I come to rob, and take my fill of pleasure, 
 Let fools repel their foes with angry mood, 
 Let those doe service while I share the treasure : 
 I doe not mean my body ere shall swing 
 Between a pare of crutches, tottering. 
 
 V. 
 
 Let thousands fall, it nee'r shall trouble me. 
 Those puling fools deserve no better fate, 
 They mirth's Apposers were, and still would be, 
 Did they survive, let me participate, 
 
 Of pleasures, gifts, while here I live, and I 
 Care not, although I mourne eternally. 
 
 VI. 
 
 I laugh to think how many times I have 
 Whiles others fighting were against the foe, 
 Within some Thicket croucht myself to save, 
 Yet taken for a valiant Souldier tho, 
 
 When I amongst them come, for I with words. 
 Can terrifie, as others can with swords. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 295 
 
 VII. 
 Damme you Rogue if thou provoke my wroth 
 1 1'le carve thee up, and spit thee, joynt by joynt 
 There's none that tasted of my fury hath, 
 But fear and tremble lest I should appoint 
 
 A second penance from them, when my brow 
 Is bent, marke how the rascalls to me bow. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Thus menacing I'm taken for to be 
 
 A man indeed, when I should fear to fight 
 
 With coward Thersites, and if that he 
 
 Were my Antagonist, but I dehght 
 
 To fight and pash dame Ceres treasure ^ 
 
 To quaff Lyeris bloud ^ I take great pleasure. 
 
 IX. 
 
 Proceed yee brethren, doe each other hate, 
 
 And fight it to the last, / wish the Wars 
 
 May ever untill doomsday frosperate, 
 
 And time nee'r see a period of the jars : 
 For I before like to a slave did live. 
 Now like unto a Lurdain * doe I thrive. 
 
 X. 
 
 Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate 
 
 Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed. 
 
 An tha'st a Female of an easie rate 
 
 Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed : 
 
 Run on, thoutt wish when that day comes thou must ' 
 Give an account, that thott hadst been more just. 
 
 1 Canes qui 
 multum 
 latrant, 
 raro mor- 
 dent. 
 
 [86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out 
 of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it 
 backward and forward ; when he had read the circumscription 
 of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long 
 they shall last I know not, for I see here the Commonwealth of 
 England, and God with Us are not of one side. 
 
296 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [93.] George (Feele) on a time being happily furnished both 
 of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money 
 he borrowed : but no matter how he was possest of them, and 
 towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and 
 fellow students : and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he 
 sojourned that night : Being at supper accompanied with his 
 Hostis, among other table -talke, they fell into discourse of 
 Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. 
 George Peek observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, 
 upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised 
 her womanly endevour ; telling her, he loved her so much the 
 better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke 
 and Chirurgirie; and George had a Dictionary of Physicall 
 words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he 
 seemingly profest : and told his good Hostis, at his returne he 
 would teach her something that should doe her no hurt ; for 
 (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as 
 farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one 
 that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope 
 to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a 
 Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a 
 long time sicke of the same disease : Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth 
 the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure 
 in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend 
 your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentle- 
 woman will bee very thankful! to you. I' faith (quoth George) 
 happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such 
 that I cannot : and so good night, mine Hostis. So away 
 went George to bed ; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature 
 of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee 
 was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received 
 from my new Doctor : (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning 
 being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this 
 Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man 
 she had at her house : protesting he was the best seene in 
 Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she 
 heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no 
 question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to 
 heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Hus- 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 297 
 
 barid, presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to 
 come and visit her Husband. Which message when George 
 heard, hee wondred ; for hee had no more skill in Physicke 
 than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as 
 heaven from hell. But, to conclude, George set a bold face 
 on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman ; where, when 
 hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee 
 was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman 
 lay wonderfuU sicke : for all Physicke had given him over : 
 George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, 
 hee was very farre spent ; yet, quoth hee, under God I will 
 doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Where- 
 upon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden ? That 
 I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me 
 thither, quoth George. Where, when hee came, hee cut a 
 handful! of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever 
 else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid^ of his 
 Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them 
 againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which 
 he made some pottle ^ of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentle- 
 man to drinke off a maudlin ^ Cup full, and willed his wife to 
 give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night : pro- 
 testing, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee 
 that : giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him 
 wonderfull warme : and at my retume, quoth George, some 
 tenne dayes hence, I will retume and see how hee fares : For, 
 quoth he, by that time something will be done ; and so I will 
 take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Wor- 
 shippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee 
 to day. Indeede, quoth George, I cannot now stay, my haste 
 is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose George 
 was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house : for 
 hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, 
 which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's 
 house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes 
 stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined 
 long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her 
 house : which George promised, and with seeming nicenesse 
 ^ Lappet. 2 A measure of two quarts. ' Query, middling-AieA. 
 
298 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings 
 heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his 
 Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this : 
 Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, 
 or the conceit the Gentleman had of George Peele, but it so 
 pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes 
 walked abroad ; and that fortunate potion which George made 
 at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he 
 had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. George his 
 money being spent, he made his returne towards London ; and 
 when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee 
 enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. 
 The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was 
 well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way 
 by chance. Art thou sure of it ? quoth George. Yes, beleeve 
 me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. 
 This was no simple newes to George. He presently set spurres 
 to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, 
 hee went directly to his Inne : at whose arrivall, the Hostis 
 clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the 
 Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the 
 Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them 
 imagine that have any after-healths. George Peek was sent 
 for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and 
 his friends, George Peek had 20 pounds delivered him : which 
 money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London 
 witnesse. 
 
 [14.] A Man of Waks between S^ David's day and Easter, 
 Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester. 
 His host did chalk it up behind the doore. 
 And said. For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score. 
 I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these ? 
 Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese? 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 299 
 
 THE 
 
 IHerrg (Sossip's Uintrication, 
 
 To the Groats worth of good Councel Declaration. 
 
 Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day, 
 For all the fauh is laid most on the Men, they do say. 
 For if a Man do intend for to thrive. 
 Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife. 
 
 To the Tune of Digbies Farewel. 
 
 mS/a 
 
 f 
 
 u 
 
 
 
 -,, 
 
 W9 
 
 ^ ^^ J^MItl l^^ll 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 
 "-^^m 
 
 
 ytStk MAJd 
 
 ^^1 
 
 ■ l 
 
 - 
 
 ■= 
 
 
 ■ 
 
 -J 
 
 A Company of Gossips that love strong bub,i 
 
 that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club. 
 They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long. 
 
 come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon. 
 They cupt it about, and they made such great hast, 
 
 till their nose and their face were all of a blaze. 
 A Man he may work all the days of his life, 
 
 but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive. 
 
 What is't for a Man to marry a Wife, 
 
 if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life, 
 1 Drink. 
 
300 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 As there is in London and England all or'e 
 
 they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor. 
 
 When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together, 
 they then take no care for fare or foul weather. 
 
 There's many a Husband takes pains and dds thrive, 
 
 but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive. 
 
 When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head, 
 
 they care not a pin how their Children are fed, 
 Then one sales here Sister i'le drink unto thee 
 
 our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly. 
 I have a shilling sales one, I have two saies another, 
 
 we will let it fly now we are together. 
 And thus you may see although a Man strive 
 
 he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive. 
 
 When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're, 
 they have drunken so much they can drink no more. 
 
 Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand, 
 you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand. 
 
 A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife, 
 
 he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life. 
 T?iere's many a Husband (s'c 
 
 They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt, 
 
 then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport, 
 Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a 
 
 to see them so drunk then they cry out the more ; 
 Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so 
 
 to take so much drink that she can hardly go. 
 There's many a Husband &•£ — 
 
 There is some that is known that will drink all the day, 
 & within night come home drunk, & not a word they 
 can say, , 
 
 rie promise you true there so heavy i' th' head, 
 
 they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed : 
 It needs now must be a great shame unto those. 
 
 for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths. 
 There's many a Husband 6^c 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 301 
 
 Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore, 
 
 more than they are able to pay to be sure, 
 When they are absent and taking of Pains, 
 
 thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains ; 
 Which makes many a Man to fret all his life, 
 
 because he is so tide to such a careless Wife. 
 There's many a Husband d^c 
 
 But for civil good Women I have nothing to say, 
 
 they deserve a great praise though all these go astray, 
 
 They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex, 
 and many a good Woman to see them is vext : 
 
 For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare, 
 and of Husband and Children have no better care. 
 There's many a Husband dfc 
 
 It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way, 
 
 & keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray, 
 
 Then her Husband will love her the better sure, 
 and let her want nothing that he can procure : 
 
 For a Woman that's given to wast and consume, 
 makes many a honest man be not for home. 
 There's many a Husband Gfc 
 
 What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill, 
 and never be satisfied till her Belly be full, 
 
 And then there, one husband they straight will abuse, 
 with all the base names that they ever can use : 
 
 And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow, 
 she ready crys Murther, all this we may know. 
 Therms many a Husband &'c 
 
 And now all good Women that heareth this Song, 
 I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong, 
 
 I will not condemn all for half a Skore, 
 
 I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more : 
 
 Besides other places ; God send them to mend, 
 and then I do hope they take me for their friend. 
 There's many a Husband &^c 
 
302 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And now to conclude, there is no more to be said, 
 
 I wish that this Song it often be read 
 Amongst the good Women that love for to club, 
 
 and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub : 
 And then you shall see what brave days they will spend, 
 
 your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end. 
 There^s many a Husband cs'c 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner. 
 
 [52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed 
 of a Jew (of the same town) a thousand Duckets,^ and missing 
 his day of payment, he sought from time to time to absent 
 himself from his Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied 
 him going into a Barbers shop, and ran presently and fetcht a 
 couple of Sergeants to arrest the debter, now at the Barbers a 
 trimming. Which done the Jew came and found the Gentle- 
 man halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would instantly 
 discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman being 
 driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and 
 asked the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all 
 shaved? The Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why 
 then, (quoth the Gentleman) Barber and Serjeants beare 
 witnesse what the Jew hath promised. Contented (quoth the 
 Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaven 
 this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and 
 ban, and finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a 
 Governor, who, well considering the matter, dismissed both 
 the gentleman and the Jew, as both free men, without farther 
 challenge of debt, untill the Gentlemans beard was all shaven, 
 which till his dying day he never suffered. And the Jew lost 
 his money. 
 
 [17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to 
 Church the first Sunday after her husband was chosen ; and 
 just as she came into the Church, the people began to stand 
 up at the Creed ; which the poor heart mistook, and took it 
 
 1 A coin struck by dukes : a ducat was worth in silver about 4s. 6d. , 
 in gold about 9s. 6d. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 303 
 
 to be an honour done purposely to her; An't please God, 
 says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out of 
 his Office. 
 
 [4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might 
 reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the 
 Prince his Son after him. 
 
 [4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, 
 because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some 
 trick ; so knowing him to be a very Curious neat Man, they 
 daubed the Railes of the Stairs with some Tar. Now the 
 Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands in it, which 
 set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his Schollars, 
 and took them into strict Examination ; but, suspecting one 
 above the rest,- he was very sharp upon him, urging him to 
 confess it, telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it ; 
 but the Master was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, 
 said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it 
 not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it : 
 Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, 
 and so very eagerly asked him who ? Your Worship, Sir, says 
 he : Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his 
 Fellows, for his Ingenuity. 
 
 [26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated 
 of strange things, and one among them said, that he had a 
 piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd 
 on Christmass day for many years together, and at last was 
 robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces, and could 
 never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live and 
 bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence ? 
 Why, says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on 
 Christmass-day, that it had not the vertue also to bloom without 
 the help of the Sun or earth ? and so let out some Oaths to 
 confirm it. 
 
 But another being by, to fit him in his Story ; and to make 
 it appear to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm 
 what t'other had said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I 
 
304 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 my self have seen that Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred 
 Christmas-day, and if I were to say a Hundred more, I should 
 not lie ; and I went once thither, when they were come to 
 the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took 
 some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as 
 the fashion is now (for you know our fashion in England for 
 Cloaths never alters) and when I and some others were at 
 Church together upon Christmass day in the morning, little 
 thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock precisely (he swore) 
 that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick, that he was 
 covered all over with them ; insomuch that he lookt as if he 
 had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that 
 he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht 
 an Axe, and cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his 
 way out; and when they had done, he went home in this 
 posture to his lodging ; and swore also, that there was as much 
 Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his 
 Chamber ; but however, says he, I had rather be at the charge 
 of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I 
 tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you 
 before : whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether 
 it was truth or no : but I hope there's no doubt now : and so 
 swore it agen. 
 
 [78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason 
 why he would sel his land ? who answered because he hoped 
 to go to heven, which he could not possibly do til he forsook 
 earth. 
 
 [91.] Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter, 
 
 I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better : 
 I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse, 
 What student is this, I pray you rehearse ? 
 Resolution, A Worme bred in a booke. 
 
 [18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, 
 intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he 
 begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb, him 
 in his Solitude. Another who had not the luck to please his 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 30s 
 
 Auditors ; He did better last Year, said one. How can that 
 be ? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very 
 Thing he did better, reply'd the iirst. 
 
 [17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave : 
 Truly, says he. Though I say it, that should not say it, my 
 Father is as honest a man as ever lived by bread. 
 
 le complaint of M, Tenter-hookeihe TroUUor, andSirTliornasDodgerthe Tatentee.^ 
 
 If any aske, what things these Monsters be, 
 Tis a Projector and a Patentee : 
 Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle, 
 And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all. 
 
 [loi.] Loe I, that lately was a.' Man of fashion 
 
 The Bug-beare and the Scarcrow of this Nation 
 
 ^ " On a broadside, entitled as above, is a woodcut, which represents 
 a ' Projector ' who has a pig's ( ? fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, 
 and fish hooks for fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on 
 
3o6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Th' admired mighty Mountee banke of Fame, 
 
 The Juggling Hocus Focus of good name, 
 
 The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare, 
 
 And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare, 
 
 Now Time hath pluck'd the Vizard from my face, 
 
 I am the onely Image of disgrace. 
 
 My ugly shape I hid so cunningly 
 
 (Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty) 
 
 That from the East to West from South to North, 
 
 I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth. 
 
 And (Sweet Sir Thomas Dodger) for your sake. 
 
 My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake, 
 
 My braines I tost with many a strange vagary, 
 
 And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry. 
 
 To you, such Frojects, as I could invent. 
 
 Not thinking there would come a Parliament. 
 
 I was the great Frojector, and from me, 
 
 Your Worship learn'd to be a Patentee, 
 
 I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale, 
 
 And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale. 
 
 I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought 
 
 Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought. 
 
 What was I but your journey man, I pray. 
 
 To bring youre worke to you, both night and day : 
 
 I found Stuffe, and you brought it so about 
 
 You (like a skilfuU Taylor) cut it out, 
 
 And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure) 
 
 You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure. 
 
 My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low, 
 
 According as your power did Ebbe or Flow : 
 
 And at your will I was Screwd up too high 
 
 his legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing cards, and 
 a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins on his right arm, and a 
 measure for spirits on his left arm, a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a 
 dredger, ( ? for starch) on the skirts of his coat. 
 
 "The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the speech 
 of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for 
 saying that merchants were more screwed up and wronged in England 
 than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."— Catalogue of Prints and Drawings 
 in the British Museum, No. 263. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 307 
 
 That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby. 
 
 For you, I made my Fingers fish-hookes still 
 
 To catch at all Trades, either good or ill, 
 
 I car'd not much who lost, so we might get, 
 
 For all was Fish that came into the Net. 
 
 For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares) 
 
 I put a Swines face on, an Asses eares, 
 
 The one to listen unto all I heard 
 
 Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd. 
 
 The other to tast all things, good or bad. 
 
 (As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had. 
 
 Soape, Starch, Tobacco, Pipes, Pins, Butter, Haye, 
 
 Wine, Coales, Cards, Dice, and all came in my way, 
 
 I brought your worship, every day and houre, 
 
 And hope to be defended by your power. 
 
 Sir Thomas Dodgers Answer. 
 
 Alas good Tenter hooke, I tell thee plaine. 
 
 To seeke for heipe of me tis but in vaine : 
 
 My Patent which I stood upon of late. 
 
 Is like an Almanacke that's out of Date. 
 
 T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe, 
 
 But now it wants both force and vertue too. 
 
 This was the turne of whirling Fortune's wheele, 
 
 When we least dream'd we should her changing feele. 
 
 Then Time, and fortune, both with joynt consent 
 
 Brought us to mine by a Parliament : 
 
 I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits 
 
 Which now I find were but alluring baits, 
 
 And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare. 
 
 To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare. 
 
 Thou in the Project of the Soape didst toyle, 
 
 But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle, 
 
 That people wondred how we held it fast 
 
 But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last. 
 
 The Project for the Starch thy wit found out, 
 
 Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout, 
 
 The Pagan weed (Tobacco) was our hope 
 
 In Leafe, Pricke, Role, Ball, Pudding, Pipe, or Rope. 
 
3o8 Httmotir, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Brasseele, Varina, Meavis, Trinidado, 
 Saint Christophers, Virginia, or Barvado ; 
 Bermudas, Providentia, Shallowcongo, 
 And the most part of all the rest {Mundungo^). 
 That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke, 
 And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake. 
 Thou framdst the Butter Patent in thy braines, 
 (A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.) 
 I had forgot Tobacco Pipes, which are 
 Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware. 
 Dice run against us, we at Cards are crost, 
 We both are turn'd up Noddies,^ and all's lost. 
 Thus from Sice-sinke^ we'r sunke below Dewce-ace,^ 
 And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace. 
 Pins pricke us, and Wine frets our very hearts. 
 That we have rais'd the price of Pints and Quarts. 
 Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst. 
 And madst me up the price of Sea-coales hoyst. 
 Come, Leather, Partrich, Pheasant, Rags, Gold twist. 
 Thou brought'st all to my Mill, what was't we mist ? 
 Weights, Bon lace^ Mowstraps, new, new. Corporation, 
 Rattles, Seadans^ of rare invented fashion, 
 Silke, Tallow, Hobby-horses, Wood, red herring. 
 Law, Conscience, Justice, swearing, and Forswearing. 
 All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought 
 That every thing was good that profit brought. 
 But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe, 
 I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe. Finis. 
 John Taylor 7 
 
 London. Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles, dwelling 
 in the Old Baily. 1641. 
 
 ' Trashy tobacco — from the Spanish Mondingo, paunch, tripes, black 
 pudding. 
 
 2 Fools ; but there was also a game at cards called noddy, supposed 
 to have been the same as cribbage. 
 
 3 Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on dice — six-five. 
 * Two-one. ^ Bone-lace. 
 
 " Sedan chairs, which are said to have been introduced into England 
 in 1581, and first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe 
 obtained a patent, or privilege, for them in 1634. f The water poet. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 309 
 
 [82.] A Mayor that was on hunting (by chance) one asked 
 him how hee liked the Cry : a pox take the Dogs, saith he, 
 they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the Cry. 
 
 [82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a 
 poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged ; at which word 
 the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, 
 I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no 
 more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour. 
 
 [94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked 
 him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no ? Why do you 
 ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not 
 had a Nap this seven years. 
 
 [102.] Monsieur Domingo is a skilful! man. 
 
 For much experience he hath lately got, 
 Proving more Physick in an alehouse can, 
 Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot ; 
 Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd. 
 But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd, 
 
 For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge, 
 
 Why then he sweares ; now by the Lord I thinke 
 
 All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge : 
 
 A cup of Claret is the onely drinke. 
 
 And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe 
 
 Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe. 
 
 [93.] George {Peek) was invited one night by certaine of 
 his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street : 
 and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old 
 friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing George 
 tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfq being 
 unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had 
 rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that 
 instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry 
 that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an 
 invited guest ; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for 
 
3IO Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my 
 advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to 
 George doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. 
 George presently told him what hee should doe; so they 
 parted. George (was) well entertained, with extraordinary 
 welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table ; Supper 
 being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when 
 he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee foUowes, (as 
 George had directed him) who when George saw. You whorson 
 Rascall (quoth George) what make you heere ? Sir, quoth he, 
 I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth 
 George, have I not forewarned you of this ? I pray you. Sir, 
 quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? 
 quoth George, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, 
 and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. 
 You Dunghill, quoth George, doe you out face me ? and with 
 that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head ; after 
 that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to 
 throw it, the Gentleman staid him : meane while HM. got the 
 Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went : which when 
 George saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. 
 So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, 
 and was never suspected for it of the Company. 
 
 [17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having 
 both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep 
 when Sermon was done : a man jogg'd one of them, and bid 
 him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, All People, 
 sales he : The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, 
 Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalm. 
 
 [4.] One boasting of his Credit, said. He knew a Scrivener 
 that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own 
 Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl. 
 
 [26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many 
 years together, whose name was Roan, and being tired with 
 working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night ; which a 
 thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 3 1 1 
 
 went away with it : But Old Roan when he awak't (though 
 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the 
 Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, 
 hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not 
 the neighing of old Roan ? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, 
 let us rise and see what's the matter with him ; and when they 
 came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle : Well 
 Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or 
 Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can 
 sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot 
 upon poor Roan ; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's 
 help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back ; which 
 with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as 
 well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and 
 I am sure you'll say warmer : And tnis Horse, said he, they 
 kept for many years after, and every year it brought him 
 Thirty Tod^ of Wool : And I hope you will believe it ; but if 
 you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to 
 find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it 
 was true — lie so. 
 
 [91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, 
 takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by 
 another, yet that other is not begot without it ? Resolution. 
 Smoake. 
 
 [103.] A Clipper^ being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came 
 to Tyburn, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for 
 another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, 
 that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to 
 Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many 
 Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and 
 gone Headlong down to Hell ; but that now he was almost 
 sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in Abraham's Bosom ; 
 Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but 
 if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay 
 here a little longer. 
 . ' A tod of wool weighs 28 lbs. ^ Of coin, a capital offence. 
 
3 1 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her 
 Son there ; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some 
 drink : No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do 
 you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better. 
 
 [4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his 
 Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) 
 He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock 
 against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me 
 by such extravagant Expenses ? I will have but half a one 
 killed at a time. 
 
 A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel.^ 
 
 Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are 
 
 laid aside, 
 And Flaggons and Noggins they 
 
 cannot abide ; 
 And let all Wives do what they can, 
 'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man ; 
 
 And this you may very well be sure, 
 The Leather Bottel will longest 
 
 endure ; 
 And I wish in Heaven his Soul may 
 
 dwell 
 That first devised the Leather Bottel 
 
 To the Tune of The Bottle Maker's Delight, &c. 
 
 [104.] God above that made all things. 
 
 The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein. 
 
 The Ships that on the Sea do Swim, 
 
 To keep Enemies out that none comes in ; , 
 
 And let them do all what they can, 
 
 'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man. 
 
 And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell 
 That first devised the Leather Bottel. 
 
 Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood ? 
 In faith they are, and can, not be good ; 
 For when a Man he doth them send 
 To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend ; 
 The Bearer falleth down by the way. 
 And on the ground the Liquor doth lay ; 
 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 And then the Bearer begins to ban, 
 And swears it is long of the Wooden Can. 
 But had it been the Leather Bottel, 
 Although he had fallen, yet all had been well 
 Then I Wish b^c. 
 
 Then what do you say to these Glasses fine ? 
 Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine ; 
 For when a Company they are set' 
 For to be merry, as we are met ; 
 Then if you chance to touch the Brim, 
 Down falls the Liquor and all therein, 
 
 313 
 
 If your Table Cloath be never so fine. 
 There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine : 
 It may be for a small Abuse, 
 A young Man may his Service lose ; 
 But had it been a Leather Bottel, 
 And the Stopple in, then all had been well. 
 And I wish dr'c 
 
 Then what do you say these black Pots three ? 
 True, they shall have no praise of me, 
 For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife, 
 As many have done, I know, in their Life ; 
 They lay their Hands on the Pot both, 
 And loth they are to lose their Broath ; 
 
314 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The one doth tug, the other doth hill, 
 Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill ; 
 But they shall answer another Day, I 
 For casting their liquor so vainly away ; 
 But had it been in the Leather Bottel, 
 They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake, 
 And yet their Liquor no harm could take ; 
 They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake. 
 Then I wish &'C 
 
 Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine ? 
 True, they shall have no Praise of mine ; 
 For when a Lord he doth them send 
 To be filled with Wine as he doth intend ; 
 The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away. 
 Because it is Silver most gallant and gay : 
 O then the Lord he begins to ban, 
 And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man ; 
 There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom, 
 But with his Leather Bottel may come ; 
 Then I wish d^c 
 
 A Leather Bottel we know is good, 
 Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood, 
 For when a Man is at work in the Field, 
 Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield ; 
 Then a Leather Bottle standing him by. 
 He may drink always when he is a dry ; 
 It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain, 
 Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain ; 
 J^or I wish Qfc 
 
 Also the honest Sith-man^ too. 
 He knew not very well what to do. 
 But for his Bottle standing him near. 
 That is filled with good Household beer ; 
 At Dinner he sits him down to eat. 
 With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat ; 
 Then this Bottle he takes up amain, 
 ' Mower. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 315 
 
 And drinks, and sets him down again ; 
 Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend, 
 And hold out till this day doth end ; 
 For I wish &"€ 
 
 And likewise the Haymakers they, 
 When as they are turning and making their Hay ; 
 In Summer-weather, when as it is warm, 
 A good Bottel full then will do them no harm ; 
 And at Noon time they sit them down, 
 And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown ; 
 Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle, 
 What should we do but for this Bottle ? 
 They could not work if this Bottle were done, 
 For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun. 
 Then I wish &'c 
 
 Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher, 
 The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher, 
 The Binder, and the Raker and all 
 About the Bottels ears do fall ; 
 And if his Liquor be almost gone. 
 His Bottel will he part with to none, 
 But says, my Bottel is but small 
 One Drop I will not part withal : 
 You must go drink at some Spring or Well, 
 For I will keep my Leather Bottel, 
 Then I wish ^fc 
 
 Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel, 
 When as it is filled with Liquor full well, 
 Though the Substance of it be but small. 
 Yet the Name of the thing is all. 
 There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight, 
 But in a Bottel doth take Delight : 
 For when he is hunting of the Deer, 
 He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer : 
 Likewise the Man that works at the Wood, 
 A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good 
 Then I wish &'c 
 
3i6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Then when this Bottel doth grow old, 
 And will good Liquor no longer hold, 
 Out of the Side you may take a Clout, 
 Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out ; 
 Else take it and hang it upon a Pin, 
 It will serve to put many odd Trifles in, 
 As Hinges, Awls,*and Candle-ends, 
 For young Beginners must have such things ; 
 Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell, 
 That first devised the Leather Bottel. 
 
 London : Printed by and for W. O. and sold by the Booksellers 
 of Pye Corner, and London Bridge. 
 
 [105.] When Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he 
 had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver 
 furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in 
 Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him. It is so that 
 I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have 
 bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres 
 (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as 
 shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said 
 the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send 
 them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. 
 Then said Scogin, you shall have them within these two days, 
 and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every 
 thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the 
 gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, 
 and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge : 
 the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound 
 and odde money. The Alderman said. When shall I have my 
 money ? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else 
 the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme 
 set^ The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent 
 for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me com- 
 mended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe 
 meet, I will content him according to my promise ; so, on a 
 time, Scogin went to Korfax,^ and he espied the Alderman, 
 
 ^ Commences. 
 
 ^ Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets meet ; supposed to be 
 a corruption of quatre voies. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 317 
 
 and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good 
 footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you 
 said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, 
 or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, 
 said Scogin, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken ; 
 No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. 
 Now, said Scogin, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for 
 now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you 
 shall have your money; but if I can, said Scogin, I will not 
 meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore 
 a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, 
 fast find. 
 
 [103.] A Gentleman having left a Bag of Money in a 
 Hackney Coach, besides an Advertisement in the Gazet, he 
 put up a paper at the Exchange, that he would give a sixth 
 part {viz ;£^2o) to the Coachman, if he would bring him his 
 Money ; the Fellow, hearing of the offer, went to the Exchange 
 and writ on the Paper, Then shall I be the Loser, which was 
 all the Gentleman had for his Coin. 
 
 [26.] One swore most plentifully. That he saw a Lobster 
 kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain; then they all began to think 
 indeed that was a lie, till he very discreetly told them how it 
 was; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth, Southampton, 
 and upon the Sea-Coasts thereabouts, are presently convey'd in 
 Panniers into the Midland Country, and by the way on Salis- 
 bury Plain did drop a very good Lobster, and a Hare a little 
 after, came close to the Lobster : which the Lobster feeling, 
 with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot, and so 
 kill'd him ; and swore also that they put it into a Pie, and 
 both bak't together (but I don't mean with the skin and the 
 shell on) then you'd think't a lie indeed ; and so sent up to 
 London, and eaten there. 
 
 [102.] Alas, Delfridus keepes his bed, God knowes. 
 Which is a sign his worship's very ill : 
 His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisike goes ; 
 No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill. 
 
3 1 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Yet doth he eat, drink, talke, and sleepe profound, 
 Seeming to all men's judgements healthful found. 
 
 Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne 
 What ? think you so ? may such a hap procure it ? 
 Well ; faith, 'tis true, his Hose is out at pawne, 
 A breechlesse chance is come, he must indure it : 
 His Hose to Brokers Jayle committed are. 
 His Singular, and only Velvet paire. 
 
 [17.] A man on his death bed bequeathed all that he had 
 to his three Sons, to the first he gave all his Land, for he 
 said he had been very dutiful, but he said he hoped his Father 
 would live to enjoy it all himself : To the second, he gave all 
 his money and goods, for he had been dutiful also, and he 
 wisht his father might live and enjoy it all himself : And to 
 the third, he said. Thou hast been a Villain, a Rogue, and a 
 Vagabond ; I first give to thee the benefit of the Stocks, to 
 keep both thy legs warm ; and next Bridwell, where thou 
 shall dine upon freecost with M' Lashington every day ; and 
 then I bestow the Gallows upon thee at last : Truly Father, 
 says he, I thank you, and / hope you'll live to enjoy them all, 
 yourself. 
 
 [94.] One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such 
 wide lines : Another answered, It was done to keep the peace ; 
 for if the Plaintiff" should be in one line, and the Defendant in 
 the next, the lines being too near together, they might perhaps 
 fall together by the Ears. 
 
 [4.] W Noy'^ the Attorney General, making a Venison 
 Feast in a Tavern where Ben Johnson and some of his Com- 
 1 "Noy, when Whitlocke came to him about the Bill, advised with 
 him about the King's Patent concerning an association between England 
 and Scotland for fishing. Noy loved a little drollery, and gave White- 
 locke eleven groats out of his little purse. Here, said Noy, take these 
 single pence ; and I give you more than an attorney's fee, because you will 
 be a better man than an Attorney-General ; and this you will find to be 
 true. This was in 1629." — Lives of Eminent Sergmnts at Law, by H. W. 
 Woolrych, Land. 1869. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 319 
 
 panions were Drinking, and he having a mind to some of the 
 Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to M' Noy 
 
 When all the World was drown'd, 
 
 No Venison could be found ; 
 For then there was no Park : 
 
 Lo here we sit, 
 
 Without e're a bit, 
 Noy has it all in his Ark. 
 
 For the ingenuity of which, M'' Noy sent him a good corner of 
 a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down. 
 
 At another time, Ben Johnson intending to go through the 
 Half Moone Tavern in Aldersgate Street, was denied entrance, 
 the Door being shut : upon which he made these Verses. 
 
 Since the Half-Moon is so unkind, 
 to make me go about. 
 The Sun my Money now shall take, 
 the Moon shall go without. 
 
 And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, for- 
 saking the Half-Moon for this affront. 
 
 [91.] When I lived, I fed the living, now I am dead, I 
 bear the living, and with swift speed walke over the living. 
 Resolution. A Ship made of an Oake, growing, fed Hogs with 
 Acorns, now beares men, swims over fishes. 
 
 The English Irish Souldier 
 
 With his new Discipline, new Armes, old Stomacke, and 
 new taken pillage, who had rather Eate than Fight. 
 
 [io6.] If any Souldate 
 
 think I do appeare. 
 In this strange Armes 
 
 and posture, as a Jeere, 
 Let him advance up to me 
 
 he shall see, 
 He stop his mouth 
 
 and we wil both agree. 
 
320 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Our Skirmish ended 
 
 our Enemies fled or slaine 
 Pillage wee cry then, 
 
 for the Souldiers gaine, 
 
 And this compleat Artillery 
 
 I have got, 
 The best of Souldiers, 
 
 I think, hateth not. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century 321 
 
 My Martiall Armes 
 
 dealt I amongst my foes 
 With this I charged stand 
 
 'gainst hungers blowes'; 
 This is Munition 
 
 if a Souldier lacke, 
 He fights like lohn a dreams "^ 
 
 or Lent's ^m.JackeP' 
 
 All safe and cleare, 
 
 my true Arms rest awhile, 
 And welcome pillage 
 
 you have foes to soile. 
 This Pot, my Helmet, 
 
 must not be forsaken. 
 For loe I seiz'd it 
 
 full of Hens and Bacon. 
 
 Rebels for Rebels drest it 
 
 but our hot rost 
 Made them to flye 
 
 and now they kisse the post. 
 And better that to kisse 
 
 than stay for Pullets 
 And have their bellies 
 
 cram'd with leaden bullets. 
 
 This fowle my Feather is, 
 
 who "wins most fame, 
 To weare a pretty Duck 
 
 he need not shame ; 
 This Spit my well chargd 
 
 Musket with a Goose, 
 
 1 i.e. a stupid, semi-idiot, as — 
 
 '' A Dull and Muddy Mettled rascal, peak, 
 U^sjohn a dreams, impregnant of my cause, 
 And can say nothing." — Hamlet, Act ii. Scene s. 
 
 2 " A Jack a Lent " was a stiaw-stuffed image which was shot at, 
 beaten, thrown at, and otherwise ill-treated during Lent. It was supposed 
 to represent Judas Iscariot. 
 
322 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Now cryes come eate me, 
 let your stomacks loose. 
 
 This Dripping Pan's my 
 
 target, and this Hartichoke 
 My Basket-hilted blade 
 
 can make 'em smoake. 
 And make them slash and cut 
 
 who most Home puts, 
 lie most my fury 
 
 sheath into his guts 
 
 This Forke my Rest is, 
 
 and my Bandaleers 
 Canary Bottles, 
 
 that can quell base feares. 
 And make us quaffe downe 
 
 danger, if this not doe, 
 What is it then ? can raise 
 
 a spiritt into fearful! men. 
 
 This Match are linkes 
 
 to light down to my belly 
 Wherein are darksome chinks 
 
 as I may tell yee. 
 Or Sassages, or Puddings, 
 
 choose you which. 
 An excellent Needle, 
 
 Hungers wounds to stitch. 
 
 These my Supporters, 
 
 garter'd with black pots, 
 Can Steele the nose 
 
 & purg the brain of plots ; 
 These tosts my shooestrings, 
 
 steept in this strong fog. 
 Is able of themselves 
 
 to foxe a Dog. 
 
 These Armes being vanisht, 
 once againe appeare 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 323 
 
 A true and faithful Souldier 
 
 As you were ; 
 But if this wants, 
 
 and that we have no biting 
 In our best Armours 
 
 we make sorry fighting 
 
 FINIS 
 Printed at London for R. IVood and A. Coe 1642. 
 
 [93.] There was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West 
 Countrey, and had staid here in London a Tearme longer than 
 hee intended, by reason of a Booke that George (Peek) had to 
 translate out of Greeke into English : and when he wanted 
 money, George had it of the Gentleman, but the more he 
 supplyed him of Coine, the further off he was from his Booke, 
 and could get no end of it, neither by faire meanes, entreatie, 
 or double pajmient : for George was of the Poeticall disposition, 
 never to write so long as his money lasted ; some quarter of 
 the Booke being done, and lying in his hands at randome. 
 
 The Gentleman had plotted a meanes to take such an 
 order with George next time he came, that he would have his 
 Booke finished. It was not long before he had his Company ; 
 his arrival was for more money; the Gentleman bids him 
 welcome; causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into 
 discourse about his Booke, found it was as neere ended, as he 
 left it two moneths ago. The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd 
 no longer, caused two of his men to binde George hand and 
 foot in a Chayre : a folly it was for him to aske what they 
 meant by it : the Gentleman sent for a Barber, and George 
 had a beard of an indifferent size, and well growne : he made 
 the Barber shave him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, 
 as he was of money : the Barber he was well contented for his 
 paines, who left George like an old woman in mans apparell : 
 and his voyce became it well, for it was more woman than 
 man. George quoth the Gentleman, I have always used you 
 like a friend, my purse hath beene open to you : that you have 
 of mine to translate, you know it is a thing I highly esteeme : 
 therefore I have used you in this fashion, that I might have an 
 
324 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 end of my Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as 
 my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his men to unbinde 
 him, and putting his hand into his pocket, gave him two brace 
 of Angels ; quoth hee. Master Peek, drinke this, and by that 
 time you have finished my booke, your beard will be growne, 
 untill which time, I know you will be ashamed to walke abroad. 
 George patiently tooke the gold, said little, and when it was 
 darke night, took his leave of the Gentleman, and went directly 
 home : who, when his wife saw, I omit the wonder shee made, 
 but imagine those that shall behold their husbands in such a 
 case. To bed went George, and ere morning hee had plotted 
 sufficiently how to cry quid pro quo with his politick Gentleman. 
 George had a Daughter of the age of tenne yeeres, a Girle 
 of a pretty forme, but of an excellent wit : and she had George 
 so tutored all night, that although himselfe was the Author of 
 it, yet had hee beene transformed into his Daughters shape, 
 he could not have done it with more conceit. George at that 
 time dwelt at the Banke Side from whence this she-sinnow,^ 
 early in the morning, with her haire dichevalled, wringing her 
 hands, and making such pittifuU moane with shrikes and teares, 
 and beating of her brest, that made the people in a maze : 
 some stood wondring at the Childe; others plucked her to 
 know the occasion ; but none could stay her by any meanes, 
 but on shee kept her journey, crying, O, her Father, her good 
 Father, her deare Father, over the Bridge, thorow Cheapside, 
 and so to the Old Bailey, where the Gentleman sojourned, 
 there sitting her selfe downe, a hundred people gaping upon 
 her, there she begins to cry out. Woe to that place, that her 
 Father ever saw it : she was a Cast-away, her Mother was un- 
 done : till with the noise, one of the Gentlemans men comming 
 downe, looked on her, and knew her to be George Peeks 
 Daughter : hee presently runnes up, and tels his Master, who 
 commanded his man to bring her up. The Gentleman was in 
 a cold sweat, fearing that George had, for the wrong that he 
 did him the day before, some way undone himselfe. When 
 
 1 A woman very finely dressed. " Whereas she wont in her feathered 
 youthfulnesse to looke with amiable eye on her gray breast, and her speckled 
 side sayles, all sinnowed Wi'ih silver guilles." — I^erce Penilesse his Suppli- 
 cation to the Divell, by Thos. Nash. 1592. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 325 
 
 the Girle came up, he demanded the cause why she so lamented, 
 and called upon her Father ? George his flesh and blood, after 
 a million of sighs, cried out upon him, he had made her Father, 
 her good Father, drowne himselfe. Which words once uttered, 
 she fell into a Counterfeit swoone, whom the Gentleman soon 
 recovered. This newes went to his heart, and he, being a man 
 of a very milde condition, cheered up the Girle, made his men 
 to go buy her new cloathes from top to toe, said he would be 
 a Father to her, gave her five pounds, bid her go home and 
 carry it to her mother, and in the evening he would visit her. 
 At this, by little and little she began to be quiet : desiring him 
 to come and see her Mother. He tels her, he will not faile, 
 bids her goe home quietly. So downe stayres goes she peartly,^ 
 and the wondring people that staid at doore, to heare the 
 manner of her griefe, had of her nought but knavish answers, 
 and home went she directly. The Gentleman was so crossed 
 in mind, and disturbed in thought at this unhappy accident, 
 that his soule could not be in quiet, till he had beene with this 
 wofuU widdow, as hee thought, and presently went to Blacke 
 Fryers, tooke a payre of Oares, and went directly to George 
 Peeks house, where hee found his wife plucking of Larkes, my 
 crying Crocadile turning of the Spit, and George pinn'd up in 
 a blanket, at his translation. The Gentleman, more glad at 
 the unlookt for life of George, than the losse of his money, 
 tooke part in the good cheere George had to dinner, wondred 
 at the cunning of the Wench, and within some few dales after 
 had an end of his Booke. 
 
 [77.] There was a great huge man 3 yards in the Waste, at 
 S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late dales, (one 
 M. Blague by name) & a good kinde Justice too, careful! for 
 the poore ; this Justice met with Tarlton in Norwich : Tarlton, 
 said he, give me thy hand ; But you. Sir, being richer, may 
 give me a greater gift, give me your body ! and imbracing him 
 could not halfe compasse him : being merry in talke, said the 
 Justice ; Tarlton tell me one thing, what is the difference 
 betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir, said Tarlton, as 
 much and like difference, as twixt you and me ; I like a Flea 
 1 Briskly, lively. 
 
326 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 (see else) can skip nimbly : But you, like a fat Louse creepe 
 slowly, and you can go no faster, were a Butcher's axe over 
 you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, 
 quoth the Justice. I, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else 
 had I not been here now, for ever one knave (making a stop) 
 seekes out another : the Justice understanding him, laughed 
 heartily. 
 
 [17.] A Gentleman had a desire to hire two resolute Ruffians 
 to do some exploit upon one that had abused him : A little 
 after his man brings him two whose faces were slasht and cut : 
 No, says he, I'll have none of you, but if you can bring me 
 those men that gave you those wounds, they are for my turn. 
 
 [4.] A Sea Captain was invited to a Hunting Match, who 
 when he came home related what sport he had after this 
 manner : Our Horses, says he, being well Rigg'd, we man'd 
 them \ and the Wind being at West South West, (Fifteen of us 
 in Company) away we stood over the Downs ; in the time of 
 half a Watch, we spied a Hare under full Sail, we Tackt, and 
 stood after her, coming up close, she Tacks, and we Tackt, 
 upon which Tack I had like to run aground ; but getting clear 
 off, I stood after her again ; but as the Devil would have it, 
 just as I was going to lay her aboard, bearing too much Wind, 
 I and my Horse overset and came Heel ^ upwards. 
 
 A Leicester-shire Frolick; 
 Or, The Valiant Cook-Maid. 
 
 Being a merry composed Jest of. Five Taylors that had been 
 at work till their Wages came to 5 pounds, likewise a merry 
 conceited Cook-maid that lived in the house, went to her 
 Master, and desired him to lend her a horse, and she would 
 venture her skill to take the 5 pounds from these five Taylors, 
 without either Sword or Pistol, in a jesting way, to make her 
 Master some sport and to show her valour : her Master loving 
 
 1 ? Keel. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 327 
 
 mirth more than sadness, agreed to it; so a Horse was sadled, 
 and other things to disguise herself, because she might not be 
 known : away she went (it being in the Evening) and met them 
 before they got home, with nothing in her hand but a black 
 pudding, the faint hearted Taylors delivered her their Money 
 very quietly, for fear they should a been shot through with a 
 Black Pudding, and what followed after is expressed *in the 
 following Ditty. 
 
 Tune is Ragged & Torn. 
 
 With Allowance. 
 
 [107.] I'le tell you a pretty fine jest, 
 
 if that you do please it to hear, 
 For the truth on't I do protest, 
 
 I'm sure that you need not to fear : 
 It is of a valiant Cook-maid, 
 
 that lived at a Nobleman's place _ 
 And five Taylors that once was afraid 
 
 when as they lookt her in the face. 
 O this was a valiant Cook-maid, 
 
 without either Pistol or Gun, 
 But with a Black Pudding did fright, 
 
 five Taylors and put them to th' run. 
 
 1 Tliis engraving is from another version. 
 
328 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 This Noble-man upon a time, 
 
 had great store of work for to do, 
 But to bring every thing into rhyme, 
 
 'twill study my brains you must know ; 
 Five Taylors that lived hard by, 
 
 that worked for fourpence a day. 
 For Beef and for Pudding at night, 
 
 they'd better do so than to play. 
 O this Qfc 
 
 These Taylors a great while did work, 
 
 two Masters, and their three men, 
 They laboured as hard as a Turk, 
 
 with Stitching both too and agen ; 
 And when that their work it was done, 
 
 their money unto them was told. 
 Full five good pounds it is known. 
 
 Of Silver, but not of red Gold. 
 O this df'c 
 
 And when as their money they'd got, 
 
 then who was so jocond as they. 
 Each Man of the best drank his pot, 
 
 and homewards they straight took their way ; 
 A Cook-Maid there was in the house, 
 
 that us'd full merry to be. 
 Who went to her Master in haste, 
 
 and these words unto him did say. 
 O this G^c 
 
 Master, if that you please, 
 
 some pastime I for you will make 
 But to lend me a horse then (quoth she) 
 
 and this money I from them will take \ 
 Her Master, then hearing the jest, 
 
 would try what this Cook-maid could do, 
 Some mirth he did think it the best, 
 
 as Gentlemen will do, you know. 
 O this ^'c 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 329 
 
 A horse then was sadled with speed, 
 
 and boots and Spurs she put on, 
 And other materials most fit, 
 
 because she would not be known ; 
 A horse-back she straight got astride, 
 
 with a Hogs-Pudding in her hand. 
 And meeting these Taylors in haste, 
 
 she presently bid them to stand. 
 O this isfc 
 
 Deliver your Money (quoth she) 
 
 or else your manhoods now try. 
 Or by this same thing in my hand, 
 
 every man of you shall dye ; 
 Then out her Black-Pudding she puU'd, 
 
 which sore did the Taylors aifright. 
 They thought it had been a Pistol well charg'd, 
 
 because 'twas late in the night. 
 O this dr'c 
 
 They beg'd their lives she might save, 
 
 we are but poor Taylors (quoth they) 
 And truly no money we have, 
 
 for we work but for four pence a day ; 
 You lye, like all Rogues (quoth she) 
 
 and do not my patience provoke, 
 For 5 pounds you have tane for your work, 
 
 so presant that word did them choak. 
 O this dfc. 
 
 That money deliver with speed, 
 
 if that you think well on your lives, 
 Or by this same thing you shall bleed, 
 
 the which will go farther than knives ; 
 Then out of their pockets their money they took, 
 
 with many a sorrowful tear. 
 And gave it into her hand, 
 
 here's all on't each Taylor did swear. 
 O this &"£ — 
 
330 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And when she their money had got, 
 
 she set Spurs and away she did run, 
 The Devil go with you (quoth they) 
 
 for i'me sure that we are undone ; 
 But when that this Cook-maid came home, 
 
 strait unto her Master she told. 
 And show'd him his money again, 
 
 how passages went she did unfold. 
 O this S^c. 
 
 The pooi^'fajbr nia^in^ hU complaint to the Ejquife 
 
 But here comes the cream of the jest, 
 
 those Taylors which was such Men, 
 After they'd stood pausing awhile, 
 
 then back they returned again ; 
 They came with a pittiful tone, 
 
 their hair stood like men bewitcht. 
 To th' Gentleman they made their moan, 
 
 for their mony their fingers it itcht. 
 O this &fc 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 331 
 
 The Gentleman laugh'd in conceit, 
 
 how many was there said he, 
 Sure you were all men sufficient 
 
 to a beaten above two or three ; 
 Truly we saw but one man, 
 
 the which took our Money away, 
 But we feared he had partakers in store, 
 
 or else he should never a carried the day. 
 O this dfc 
 
 He was well mounted upon a- good steed, 
 
 and a Pistol that put us to studying, 
 You lye like all fools (quoth she) 
 
 it was but a black Hogs-Pudding; 
 Thus they the poor Taylors did jeer, 
 
 and the Cook-maid laugh'd in conceit. 
 That with nothing but a black Pudding, 
 
 and that five Taylors did beat. 
 O this Qfc. 
 
 Then straightway the Gentleman spoke, 
 
 what will you give then (said he) 
 To have all your money again, 
 
 and the face on't once more to see : 
 Quoth the Taylors we'l give the ton half, 
 
 and that's very fair you do know, 
 Altho' that we were such fools, 
 
 to part with our good silver so. 
 O this 6r'c 
 
 Then straitways he call'd for the Cook, 
 
 then the Taylors did laugh in their sleeve. 
 And set her to conjuring strait, 
 
 which made the poor Taylors believe ; 
 That she by her art had it found, 
 
 and show'd them the place where it lay. 
 Which made the poor Taylors to smile, 
 
 so merry and jocand was they. 
 O this &'c. 
 
332 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Here take half the money said they, 
 
 the which we did promise to you, 
 And for you we ever will pray, 
 
 for such Cook-Maids there is but a few ; 
 I'le have none of your money she said, 
 
 as sure as i'me here alive. 
 One may know what Cowards you are, 
 
 to let a Hogs-Pudding to fright you all 5. 
 O this Ss'c. 
 
 And thus the old Proverb is true, 
 
 nine Taylors do make but one man, 
 And now it doth plainly appear, 
 
 let them all do what they can ; 
 For had they been stout hearted Lads, 
 
 they need not called for aid. 
 Nor afraid to tast of a Pudding, 
 
 nor yet be'n out-brav'd by a Maid. 
 O this &'c 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby, at the Golden-Ball, at Pye-Corner, near 
 West Smithfield. 
 
 How Jacke by playing of the Whiting got his dinner. 
 
 [105.] When the sicknesse was at Oxford, on a time 
 Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lye at S. Bartholemewes 
 by Oxford, and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat : 
 On a Friday he said to his scholler, Jacke, here is twopence, 
 goe to the market and buy me three whitings, the which his 
 scholler did; & when hee was come home, Scogin said, 
 Jacke, goe seeth me a whiting to my dinner : Jacke heard him 
 say so, and deferred the time, thinking hee should fare ill when 
 that his master had but a whiting to dinner. At last Scogin 
 said, doth the fish play? Jacke said, would you have one 
 play without a fellow? Scogin said, Jacke thou saist truth, 
 put another whiting into the pan. Then Jacke prepared his 
 fish to seeth them : then Scogin said, Jacke doth the fish play 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 333 
 
 now ? Jcuke said, I trow they be mad or else wood,^ for one 
 doth fight with the other, that I have much adoe to keepe 
 them in the pan. Then said Scogin, put the other whiting 
 betwixt them to break the strife. Jacke was then glad, think- 
 ing he should get somewhat to dinner, and sod^ the fish and 
 had his part. 
 
 [26.] One swore pretty largely too, That he knew a Hare, 
 that after he was taken and garbaged,^ did give the Dogs a 
 chase for five or six miles together ; then they cry'd out all 
 'twas a loud lie. No, says he, it can't be a loud lie, for it 
 seems you don't allow it. Yes, says they, we do allow it for 
 a lie. But, says he, I do avow it for truth, and thus it was, 
 for the Hare being tied to a Huntsman's Saddle in a string, 
 it happened that the string slips, and the Hare in the string 
 hung down between the Horses Legs upon the Ground, and 
 the Horse being mettlesome, gaillopt away with the Hare at 
 his heels, and the Dogs marcht after ; but the truth was, the 
 Man could not hold the Horse in : Nay then, say they, this 
 may be impossibly possible. 
 
 Another very sober Man told a story ; That once he went 
 a coursing alone with a Grey hound Bitch, that was great 
 with Whelp ; and, having started a Hare, it hapned the Hare 
 went through a Muse* is a Hedg where a Carpenter had hid 
 his Axe, lying it seems with the edge upwards : and so the 
 Hare being with young, in going through that Muse, cut her 
 belly with the edge of the Axe ; and then out started 8 young 
 Hares, and began to run immediately ; but the Grey hound 
 Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same 
 Muse, by Chance Cut her belly also, and out came Eight 
 Whelps ; which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares, 
 and the Bitch after the Old Hare and Kill'd em all. Now, 
 says he to them, Some nice people may take this for a lie, 
 
 > Or wode, mad or furious. ^ Or sodden, boiled. 
 
 ^ Disembowelled. 
 
 1 Or muset, a hole in a hedge through which game passes. Ed. Top- 
 sell in his " Histore of fonre footed beasts," Lond. 1607, says, "But 
 the good and aproved hounds, on the contrary, when they have found the 
 hare, make shew thereof to the hunter, by running more speedily, and 
 with gesture of head, eyes, ears, and taile winding to the hares muse," etc. 
 
334 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 but I think 'tis as probable as any of the rest, because the 
 wonder is greater : that there should be but just the number 
 of Eight Whelps, and Eight young Hares, and if true Proba- 
 turn est. 
 
 [82.] Seigneur Valdrino (paymaster to the Campe of 
 Alphonsus King of Aragon) a man exquisite in Courtship and 
 complement ; as two or three were at strife laying Wagers 
 what Countryman he was ; a blunt bold Captaine asked what 
 was the matter : why Captaine, said one, we are laying a wager 
 what Countriman my Lord Treasurer Valdrino is : Oh, said 
 the Captaine, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in 
 the land of Promise, for I have served the King in his wars, 
 these seven yeers without pay, and ever when I petition to 
 my Lord, he payes me with no coyne but promises, which 
 makes me half assured that hee is that Countryman. 
 
 Epitaph on a Scholler. 
 
 [5.] Forbeare, friend, t' unclaspe this booke 
 Onely in the fore front looke. 
 For in it have errours bin. 
 Which made th' authour call it in : 
 
 Yet know this 't shall have more worth, 
 
 At the second comming forth. 
 
 [17.] A Gardener being to be hang'd, his Wife came to 
 give him his last kiss at the Gallows : Out, you Baggage, says 
 he, we are like to thrive well at the years end ; there can't be 
 a meeting in all the Country but you'll be sure to make one — 
 Go home and weed, home and weed. 
 
 [91.] There is a body without a heart. 
 
 That hath a tongue, and yet no head. 
 Buried it was, e're it was made ; 
 And loude doth speake, and yet is dead. 
 Resolution. A Bell, which when it is cast, is founded in 
 the ground. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 335 
 
 [4.] Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go 
 into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets ; one being 
 to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to Catch 
 them. So they being come to the place, he that watch'd, 
 cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi ; which noise frighted all the 
 Rabbets into their Burrows, whereupon the other was very 
 angry with him ; Why, says he, who thought the Rabbets had 
 understood Latin 1 
 
 [94.] A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another, meets 
 him in the street, and gives him a Box on the Ear; The 
 other, not willing to strike again, puts it off with a jest, asking 
 him whether it was in jest or earnest ? The other answers, 
 It was in earnest : I am glad of that, said he, for if it had 
 been in jest, I should have been very angry, for I do not like 
 such jesting, and so pass'd away from him. 
 
 [103.] A Gentleman making Addresses of Love to a young 
 Lady, often swore by his Soul that he would be very faithful 
 to her, in keeping dl the promises he had made; but how- 
 ever failing in some small Matters, she was afraid to venture 
 on to a Marriage, lest he should deceive her in greater, which 
 he perceiving, said they would pawn her Soul upon it. Ay, 
 Sir, replyed the Lady, you must find out a better Pattern, 
 for that has been dipt so often, theres nothing more to be 
 lent upon. 
 
 [17.] A Gentleman stammering much in his speech, laid 
 down a winning Card; and then said to his partner. Ho, 
 sa, ay you now, was not this Ca-ca-card pa-a-ssing we-we-well 
 la-a-aid? Yes, says t'other, 'twas well laid, but it needs not 
 half that Cackling. 
 
336 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 My Wife will be my Master : 
 
 or. The Married -mans Complaint against his 
 unruly Wife. 
 
 The Tune is, A Taylor is a Man. 
 
 [io8.] As I was walking forth of late, 
 
 I heard a man complaining. 
 With that I drew me near to him, 
 
 to know the cause and meaning 
 Of this his sorrow, pain and grief, 
 
 which bred him such disaster ; 
 Alas, quoth he, what shall I do, " 
 
 my wife will be my master. 
 But if ezier I am a Widdower, 
 
 and another wife do marry, 
 I mean to keep her poor and bare, 
 
 and the purse I mean to carry. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 337 
 
 If I should give her forty pound, 
 
 within her apron folding, 
 No longer then she's telling on't, 
 
 her tongue would ne'r leave scolding, 
 As Esops Dog barkt at the Moon 
 
 thinking for to distast her, 
 So doth my wife scold without cause 
 
 and strives to be my master. 
 But if ever &•€ 
 
 Were I so strong as Hercules^ 
 
 or wiser than Apollo, 
 Or had I Icarus wings to flye, 
 
 my wife would after follow : 
 Or should I live as many years 
 
 as ever did King Nestor, 
 Yet do I greatly stand in fear 
 
 my wife would be my Master. 
 But if ever &•€ 
 
 I know no cause nor reason why, 
 
 that she with me should jangle, 
 I never gave her cause at all 
 
 to make her with me wrangle ; 
 I please her still in what I may, 
 
 and do no jot distast her. 
 Yet she doth strive both night and day 
 
 always to be my Master. 
 But if ever dfc 
 
 I every morning make a fire, 
 
 all which is done to ease her 
 I get a Nutmeg, make a toast, 
 
 in hope therewith to please her : 
 Of a Cup of nappy ale and spice, 
 
 of which she is first taster, 
 And yet this cros-grain'd quean will scold 
 
 and strive to be my Master. 
 But if ever d^c 
 
338 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 I wash the dishes, sweep the house, 
 
 I dress her wholsome dyet, 
 I humour her in every thing, 
 
 because I would be quiet : 
 Of every several dish of meat, 
 
 she'l surely be first taster, 
 And I am glad to pick the bones, 
 
 She is so much my Master. 
 But if ever &"£ 
 
 Sometimes she'l sit while day gives light, 
 
 in company with good fellows. 
 In Taverns and in bowsing Kens, 
 
 or. in some pimping Ale house : 
 And when she comes home drunk at night, 
 
 though I do not distast her, 
 She'l fling, she'l throw, she'l scratch and bite, 
 
 and strive to be my Master. 
 But if ever Ss'c 
 
 Her bed I make both soft and fine, 
 
 and put on smock compleatly, 
 Her shooes and stockings I pull off, 
 
 and lay her down most neatly : 
 I cover her, and keep her warm 
 
 for fear I should distast her, 
 I hug her kindly in my arms. 
 
 Yet still She'l be my Master. 
 But if ever is^c 
 
 And when I am with her in bed 
 
 she doth not use me well sir, 
 She'l wring my nose, and pull my ears, 
 
 a pittiful case to tell sir ; 
 And when I am with her in bed, 
 
 not meaning to molest her, 
 She'l kick me out at the bed's feet, 
 
 and so become my Master. 
 But if ever &'c 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 339 
 
 And thus you hear how cruelly 
 
 my wife doth still abuse me, 
 At bed, at board, at noon and night 
 
 she always did misuse me : 
 But if I were a lusty Man 
 
 and able for to baste her. 
 Then would I surely use some means, 
 
 that she should not be my Master. 
 But if ever &•( 
 
 You Batchelors that sweet-hearts have, 
 
 when as you are a Wooing, 
 Be sure you look before you leap, 
 
 for fear of your undoing : 
 The after wit is not the best, 
 
 and he that weds in hast sir, 
 May like to me, bewail his case, 
 
 if his wife do prove his Master. 
 But if ever &^„ 
 
 You Married Men that have good wives, 
 
 I wish you deal well by them. 
 For they more precious are than Gold, 
 
 if once you come to try them : 
 A good wife makes a husband glad, 
 
 then let him not distast her, 
 But a Scold will make a man run mad, 
 
 if once she proves his Master. 
 But if ever &'c 
 
 Printed for /^ Coles, T. Vere^J. Wright, J. Clarke, IV. Thackeray, 
 and T. Passinger. 
 
 [93.] There was some halfe dozen of Citizens, that had 
 oftentimes beene soUiciters to George {Peele), he being a Master 
 of Art at the Universitie of Oxford, that hee would ride with 
 them to the Commencement, it being at Midsomer. George, 
 willing to pleasure the Gentlemen his friends, rode along with 
 them. When they had rode the better part of the way, they 
 
 ' Published from 1648 to 1680. 
 
340 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 baited at a village called Stoken, five miles from Wickham; 
 good cheere was bespoken for dinner, and frolicke was the 
 company, all but George, who could not be in that pleasant 
 vaine that did ordinarilie possess him, by reason he was with- 
 out mony : but he had not fetcht fortie turnes about the 
 Chamber, before his noddle had entertained a conceit how 
 to money himself with credit, and yet glean it from some one 
 of the Company. There was among them one excellent Asse, 
 a fellow that did nothing but friske up and down the Chamber, 
 that his money might bee heard chide in his pocket : this 
 fellow had George observed, and secretly convay'd his gilt 
 Rapier and Dagger into another Chamber, and there closely 
 hid it : that done, he called up the Tapster, and upon his 
 cloake borrowes 5 shillings for an houre or so, till his man 
 came, (as he could fashion it well enough :) so much money he 
 had, and then who more merry than George! Meate was 
 brought up, they set themselves to dinner, all fuU of mirth, 
 especially my little foole, who dranke not of the conclusion 
 of their feast : dinner ended, much prattle past, every man 
 begins to buckle to his furniture : among whom this Hich- 
 cock missed his Rapier : at which all the Company were in a 
 maze ; he, besides his wits, for he had borrowed it of a speciall 
 friend of his, and swore he had rather spend twenty Nobles. 
 This is strange, quoth George, it should be gone in this fashion, 
 none beeing heere but our selves, and the fellowes of the house, 
 who were examined, but no Rapier could be heard of: but 
 George in a pittifuU chafe, swore it should cost him fortie 
 shillings, but hee would know what was become of it, if Art 
 could do it ; and with that he caused the Oastler to saddle 
 his Nag, for George would ride to a Scholler, a friend of his, 
 that had skill in such matters. O, good M. Peek, quoth the 
 fellow, want no money, heere is forty shillings, see what you 
 can doe, and, if you please, I'le ride along with you. Not so, 
 quoth George, taking his fortie shillings, I'le ride alone, and 
 be you as merry as you can till my returne. So George left 
 them, and rode directly to Oxford ; there he acquaints a friend 
 of his with all the circumstances, who presently tooke Horse, 
 and rode along with him to laugh at the Jest. When they 
 came backe, George tels them he has brought one of the 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 341 
 
 rarest men in England : whom they with much complement 
 bid welcome. He, after a distracted countenance, and strange 
 words, takes this Bulfinch by the wrist, and carried him into 
 the privy, and there willed him to put in his head, but while 
 he had written his name and told forty : which he willingly 
 did : that done, the SchoUer asked him what he saw ? By 
 my faith, sir, I smelt a villainous sent, but I saw nothing. 
 Then I have, quoth he, and with that directed him where 
 his Rapier was : saying, it is just North East, inclosed in 
 Wood, neere the earth : for which they all made diligent 
 search, till George who had hid it under a settle, found it, to 
 the comfort of the fellow, the joy of the Company, and the 
 eternall credit of his friend, who was entertained with Wine 
 and Sugar j and George redeemed his Cloake, rode merrily 
 to Oxford, having Coine in his pocket, where this Loach 
 spares not for any expence, for the good fortune he had in 
 the happy finding of his Rapier. 
 
 [94.] One said the Midwifes Trade, of all Trades, was 
 most commendable, because they lived not by the hurts of 
 other men as Surgeons do ; nor by the falling out of friends, 
 as Lawyers do ; but by the agreement betwixt party and party. 
 
 [105.] On a time Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to market, 
 to buy a penny worth of fresh herring. Scogin said, bring 
 foure herrings for a penny, or else bring none. Jack could 
 not get foure herrings but three for his penny ; and when he 
 came home, Scogin said, how many herrings hast thou brought? 
 and Jacke said, three herrings, for I could not get foure for a 
 penny. Scogin said he would none of them : Sir, said Jacke, 
 then will I, and here is your penny againe. When dinner time 
 was come then Jack did set bread and butter before his 
 Master, and rosted his herrings, and sate downe at the lower 
 end of the table and did eate the herrings. Scogin said, let 
 mee have one of thy herrings, and thou shalt have another of 
 mee another time. Jacke said, if you will have one herring, 
 it shall cost you a penny. What, said Scogin, thou will not 
 take it on thy Conscience : Jacke said, my conscience is such, 
 that you get not a morsell here, except I have my penny again. 
 
342 , Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Thus contending together, Jacke had made an end of his 
 herrings : A Master of Arts of Oxford, one of Scogins fellowes, 
 did come to see Scogin, and when Scogin had espied him, 
 hee said to Jacke, set up the bones of the herrings before 
 me : sir, said Jacke, they shall cost you a penny. Then said 
 Scogin, what, wilt thou shame me? No, sir, said Jacke, 
 give me my penny again, and you shal have up the bones, 
 or else I will tell all. Scogin then cast down a penny to Jacke, 
 and Jacke brought up to Scogin the herring bones : and by 
 this time the Master of Arts did come in to Scogin, and Scogin 
 bad him welcome, saying, if you had come sooner you should 
 have had fresh herrings to dinner. 
 
 [26.] A confident bold Fellow at a Nisi prius in the 
 Country, having a Trial then in Law, and fearing that the 
 Trial would go against him, said to the Judge, My Lord, I do 
 not desire your Sentence now, but only your Opinion at the 
 present ; and I will wait upon your Lordship for Judgment 
 at some other time. Well, says the Judge, if you'd only 
 have my Opinion now, why then my Opinion is. That if you 
 had had Judgment to be hang'd seven -years ago, the Country 
 would have been more quiet than it is now. Well, my Lord, 
 says he, if this be your Opinion, then your Judgement and 
 mine doth not suit at all, so that I'le have nothing to do with 
 you, but go to another Judge. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 343 
 
 Poor Robin's Prophesie, 
 
 or 
 
 The merry Conceited Fortune -Teller. 
 
 Although the Poet makes no large Apology, 
 Some insight he may have into Ass-trology, 
 Then buy this Song, and give your Judgment of it, 
 And then perhaps you'l say he's a Small Prophet 
 For he can tell when things will come to pass, 
 That you will say is strange as ever was. 
 
 Tune of. The Delights of the Bottle &c.' 
 "With Allowance. Ro. L' Estrange.^ 
 
 [109.] All you that delight to hear a new song, 
 
 Or to see the world turn'd topsie turvy e're long, 
 Come give good attention unto these my Rhimes, 
 And never complain of the hardness of times, 
 For all will be mended, by this you may find, 
 And Golden days come, when the Devil is blind. 
 
 And iirst for the Shopkeeper, this I can tell. 
 That after long trusting, all things will be well. 
 The Gallant will pay him, what ever's his due 
 And make him rejoyce when he finds it is true : 
 False weights, & false measures, he then will not mind, 
 But honest will prove, when the Devil is blind. 
 
 The Country Client that comes up to Term, 
 Likewise from this subject, good news he may learn, 
 A benefit which he shall never more leese 
 For Lawyers hereafter will plead without Fees : 
 You shall have Law freely, if you be inclin'd. 
 Without any charge, when the Devil is blind. 
 
 The Usurer open his Coffers will throw. 
 
 And break all his Locks both above and below, 
 
 He'l burn all his Parchments, and cancel his Bands, 
 
 1 For tune, see Appendix, same as The Leather Bottel. 
 ^ Licensed from 1663 to 1685. 
 
344 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And freely return all his Morgaged Lands ; 
 Young heirs will be glad for to see them so kind, 
 But that will not be till the Devil is blind. 
 
 The Learned Phisitian who valued his wealth, 
 Will now be more chary of all peoples health, 
 And make it his business howe're he doth thrive, 
 To pussle his brains for to keep men alive : 
 Nor Mountebank Bills in the Streets you shall find. 
 For they I keep in their lies, when the Devil is Blind. 
 
of the Sez'enieentk Century. 345 
 
 Your Lady of pleasure that us'd for to rant, 
 And Coach it about with her lusty Gallant, 
 Will then become modest, and find a new way 
 To live like a Nun in a Cloyster all day : 
 Her Pride, and her painting she never will mind, 
 But seem like a Saint when the Devil is blind. 
 
 Yea the Bullies themselves that did use for to rore, 
 
 And spent great estates in good wine and a w 
 
 Shall leave oif their gameing, and fairly take up, 
 And scarcely will tast of the Grape half a Cup, 
 But leave good Canary, and Claret behind. 
 Small Tipple to Drink, when the Devil is blind. 
 
 The Hecks ^ and the Padders ^ who used to prey. 
 And venture abroad for no purchase, no pay, 
 ShaU work for their livings, and find a new trade. 
 And never more travel like Knights of the Blade ; 
 Let Newgate stand empty, and then you will find 
 All this will prove true, when the Devil is blind. 
 
 All Trades men will strive for to help one another, 
 And firiendly will be, like to Brother and Brother, 
 And keep up their prices that money may flow, 
 Their charge to maintain and to pay what they owe : 
 Then two of a trade shall agree, if you mind. 
 And all will be well when the Devil is Mind. 
 
 The Tapsters no more shall their Ticklers froth. 
 No Coffee men blind us with their Ninny broth. 
 Full measures of liquor shall pass through the Land, 
 And men without money the same shall command ; 
 You'l say 'tis a wonder when this you do find. 
 And that you will sure when the Devil is blind. 
 
 Not onely the City shall find this welfare, 
 But throughout the Country the same they shall share, 
 No cheating and couzening tricks shall be us'd. 
 For by such deceit we have all been abus'd ; 
 Those men who of late with Duke Humphrey have din'd 
 With plenty shall flow, when the Devil is blind. 
 Probably a contraction for hector or bully. ^ Footpad. 
 
346 Humour, Wtt, ana Satire 
 
 Then let us be merry and frolick amain, 
 Since the golden world is returning again, 
 We shall be all Gallants, as sure as a Gun, 
 When this work is finisht that's hardly begun ; 
 Then Poets in both pockets Guinneys ^ shall find, 
 And purchase estates when the Devil is Mind. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright and /. Clarke. 
 
 [no.] Evermore when Maister Hobson^ had any busines 
 abroad, his prentices wold ether bee at the taverne, filling there 
 heads with wine, or at the dagger in cheapeside, cramming 
 their bellies with minced pyes, but above al other times, it was 
 their common custome (as London prentises use) to follow 
 their maisters upon Sundays to the Church dore, and then 
 to leave them and hie unto the taverne, which Maister Hobson 
 on a time perceving one of his men to doe, demanded at his 
 comming home what the Preachers text was : Sir (quoth the 
 fellow) I was not at the beginning ; what was in the middle 
 (quoth Maister Hobson) Sir, (qd the fellow) then was I asleepe : 
 said Maister Hobson againe, what then was the conclusion? 
 
 1 Guineas were made from the gold from the West Coast of Africa, 
 and were first coined in 1663, the African company having by charter 
 the right of stamping an elephant on the coin. 
 
 ^ He must not be confounded with the Cambridge carrier, whose 
 famous dictum has passed into a proverb, " Hobson's choice, that or none," 
 that is, his inflexible rule was for his customer to take the horse he appor- 
 tioned to him or go without. Our Hobson may be best described in the 
 words of his editor : — " In the beginning of Queene Elizabeths most happy 
 raigne, our late deceased Soveraigne, under whose peaceful government 
 long flourished this our Country of England; There lived in the Citty of 
 London, a merry Citizen named old Hobson, a haberdasher of small wares, 
 dwelling at the lower end of ckeapside, in the Poultry : as well known 
 through this part of England, as a Sergeant knows the Counter-gate, he 
 was a homely plaine man, most commonly wearing a button'd cap close to 
 his eares, a short gowne girt hard about his middle, and a paire of slippers 
 upon his feete of an ancient fashion ; as for his wealth it was answerable 
 to the better sort of our Cittizens, but of so mery a disposition, that his 
 equal therein is hardly to be found ; hereat let the pleasant disposed people 
 laugh, and the more graver in Carriage take no exceptions, for here are 
 merriments without hurt, and humorous jests savoring upon wisdome ; read 
 willingly, but scoffe not spitefully, for old Hobson spent his dayes merrily." 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 347 
 
 then Replyed his servant, I was come, Sir, away before the 
 end j by which meanes he knew well he was not there, but 
 rather in some tippling house offending Gods majesty, and 
 the lawes of the land. Therefore the next Sunday morning 
 after, Maister Hobson called all his servants together, and in 
 the sight of many of his neighbors and their prentises, tooke 
 a peece of chaulke, & chaulkd them all the way along to the 
 Church derectly, which proved a great shame to his owne 
 servants, but a good example to all others of like condition ; 
 after this was never the like mesdemenour used amongst them. 
 
 [17.] One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that 
 Five hundred men on hors back might stand under its shade ; 
 and I for my part, says another, have seen a Caldron so wide. 
 That Three hundred men wrought therein, each distant from 
 the other twenty yards : Then the Cabbage-Iyer ask'd him, 
 For what use was that Caldron? Says he, To boil your 
 Cabbage in. 
 
 [67.] A man excused ■^ beating of his wife, because she 
 was his owne flesh, saying, may I not beat mine owne flesh ? 
 and she upon that excused y^ scratching of him, saying, May 
 I not scratch mine own head ? 
 
 [102.] An honest Vicker, and a kind consort. 
 
 That to the Alehouse friendly would resort. 
 To have a game at Tables now and than. 
 Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man : 
 As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl. 
 As ever man should need to play withall : 
 Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse. 
 Rashly in choUer did forsweare her house. 
 Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore, 
 Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more. 
 But mightily his Hostesse did repent, 
 For al her guests to the next Ale house went, 
 Following their Vickars steps in everie thing : 
 He led the Parish even by a string. 
 At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine 
 
348 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 She was undone unlesse he came againe. 
 
 Desiring certain friends of hers and his, 
 
 To use a pollicie, which should be this : 
 
 Because with cunning he should not forsweare him, 
 
 To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him. 
 
 Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke, 
 
 And so they alwayes carried him to drinke. 
 
 [4.] The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow 
 that was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the 
 Judge to be favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his 
 Lordship : Why, how so ? said the Judge. Why answered the 
 Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and 
 my name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the 
 Judge ; but you and I can't be kindred till you are Hang'd, 
 for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hang'd. 
 
 [26.] Another Story was. That he being in a Low room, 
 with some Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale ; he saw the 
 Man of the House open a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with 
 such a Violence, that it strook his Hat off his Head, and after 
 that went through the Cieling of that Room and another Room 
 above that, which was two pair of Stairs high, and kill'd a Man 
 and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew up into 
 the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and 
 Mallet. 
 
 Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw 
 with my own Eyes, that being with some others in an upper 
 Room, one was then opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork 
 then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House, 
 that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as 
 he was flying just then over the House ; and the hole was so 
 big which the Cork had made, that down fell the Kite thorow 
 the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she was 
 wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they 
 sold to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink 
 in any other Room in that House : but I don't know that it 
 ever hapned so agen ; for these things, though there be truth 
 in 'em, don't happen every day so. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 349 
 
 [103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having 
 a Cup of a large size, out of which she usually drank, and in 
 which she never left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and 
 said, It was not decent for a Woman to drink so great a 
 quantity: She told him, that the Virgin Mary being at the 
 bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire her beautiful 
 Face : upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her another 
 something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it; 
 however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it ; and 
 being repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive 
 Drinking : Oh, says she, I do it because the foul Fiend should 
 not have one drop of it. 
 
 5Bo fl©one^, no jTrienD. 
 
 The Spendthrift he, when 'tis too late. 
 Laments his sad and Wretched state : 
 And all good Men he doth advise. 
 That they would Merry be and wise. 
 
 ~, rji .1 All you that do desire to play 
 
 \ At Cards, to pass the time away. 
 
 [in.] All you that freely spend your Coyn, 
 Come learn by this advice of mine ; 
 That you no more so play the Fool, 
 Nor Tipple in the Fuddling-School : 
 For when that you have spent your store. 
 Your Host will turn you out o' th door. 
 
 This by experience I do know, 
 Who too too lately found it so : 
 Five hundred pound was left to me, 
 Which I consum'd immediately : 
 And when my Money was all gone, 
 I like an Ass was lookt upon. 
 
 While I had Gold and Silver store, 
 I thought the world did me adore : 
 
350 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 For then each false dissembling Curr, 
 Would cry, your humble servant, Sir : 
 But now my Money is all spent, 
 Too late, poor Fool, I do^lament. 
 
 When I was in Prosperity, 
 
 Each Tap-lach ^ that I passed by : 
 
 Would cringe and bow, and swear to be 
 
 My Servant to Eternity : 
 
 But now alas, my Money's gone, 
 
 And Servants I have never a one. 
 
 But now if to their house I go, 
 
 E're drink they draw, they'l surely know 
 
 1 Used as a term of contempt for a publican, taplash being very small 
 beer, or the refuse of the casks. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 351 
 
 If that my Pocket it will speak, 
 Which is enough my heart to break : 
 If not, then he who was my friend. 
 Out of the door soon will me send. 
 
 Oh, what a dreadful thing is this. 
 
 That I of all my Servants miss ; 
 
 And those who did me oft invite. 
 
 To drink with them now do me slight : 
 
 But if again I Money get, 
 
 I surely then shall have more wit. 
 
 Yet is not spending all the Crime, 
 For idly then I spent my time. 
 And rather than Companions lack, 
 I'de pick up every Idle Jack : 
 And he that would me Master call, 
 Should me command, my Purse and all. 
 
 The Hostis she would flatter then, 
 And say I was a pretty Man : 
 And this so tickled then mine ear. 
 That I my praise so oft did hear : 
 Come hang't said I, giv's t'other Pot, 
 And thus I feasted every Sot. 
 
 At last I had no Money left. 
 And then was I of joys bereft ; 
 My Host and Hostis they did frown. 
 And said I was a Drunken Clown : 
 So then was I dispis'd by all, 
 That me before did Master call. 
 
 From street to street as I did pass. 
 Folks cry'd, there goes a Drunken Ass, 
 Who not long since had Money store. 
 But now no Creature is more poor : 
 For Pots and Pipes made him so low, 
 That like a Beggar he doth go. 
 
3 52 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Then who would pitty such a one, 
 Who could not keep himself alone, 
 If Wife and Children he had had, 
 The case had then been far more sad : 
 But he no pitty doth deserve, 
 If for a bit of Bread he starve. 
 
 This is the pitty I do find, 
 That when I had it was so kind. 
 To him that said he was my friend, 
 I'de give him Wine and Money lend ; 
 But now myself I have undone. 
 My Company all men do shun. 
 
 Let this my case a warning be. 
 
 That none may play the Fool like me : 
 
 A greater plague there cannot be, 
 
 Than falling from Prosperitie 
 
 Into a state so deadly low, 
 
 Your nearest friends will not you know. 
 
 Account your Money as your friend. 
 So shall you flourish to the end. 
 But when you come of friends to borrow. 
 It will but aggravate your sorrow : 
 To see how they will slight you then. 
 And say you are the worst of men. 
 
 Your Pot Companions will you slight. 
 In whom they once did take delight, 
 And while your Money it doth last 
 With Oaths they'l tye their friendship fast ; 
 But when that you have wasted all, 
 Then from you will your Servants fall. 
 
 Such servants you may have good store, 
 Who help to eat you out of door. 
 And by their drinking in Excess, 
 Will help to make you Money less : 
 Then Young-men warning take by me, 
 That of my Money was too free. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 353 
 
 This doth my Passion much provoke, 
 To think when I am like to Choake, 
 Those that I heretofore did feast, 
 They will not mind me in the least : 
 Nor make me drink, who once were proud, 
 To drink with me to be allow'd. 
 
 My Kindred and Relations near. 
 Who once did vow they loVd me dear ; 
 Will know me not, but me despise. 
 As loathsom to their scornful eyes : 
 For without Money there's no Friend, 
 And thus my Song in Woe doth End. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray, 
 and T. Passinger. 
 
 [105.] Scogin on a time had two eggs to his breakefast, and 
 Jacke his scholler should rost them, and as they were rosting, 
 Scogin went to the fire to warme him, and as the eggs were 
 rosting Jacke said, Sir, I can by sophistry prove that here be 
 three Eggs. Let me see that, said Scogin. I shall tell you, 
 sir, said Jacke : Is not here one ? Yes, said Scogin. And is 
 not here two, said Jacke? Yea, said Scogin, of that I am sure. 
 Then Jacke did tell the first egge againe, saying, is not this the 
 third ? O said Scogin, Jacke thou art a good sophister. Wei, 
 said Scogin, these two eggs shal serve me for my break fast, 
 and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that 
 thou didst give mee the last day. So one goode turne doth 
 aske another, and to deceive him that goeth about to deceive, 
 is no deceit. 
 
 [94.] A Gentleman Hawk'd in another mans ground, to 
 which the surly owner shew'd himself angry; at which the 
 Gentleman spet in his face. What is your reason for that ? 
 said the Farmer. I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I 
 gave you warning, for I hawked before I spet. 
 
354 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [67.] A Scholar traveyling, and having noe money, call'd at 
 an Alehouse, and ask'd for a penny loafe, then gave his 
 hostesse it againe, for a pot of ale ; and having drunke it of, 
 was going away. The woman demanded a penny of him. 
 For what ? saies he. Shee answers, for y^ ale. Quoth hee, I 
 gave you y' loafe for it. Then, said she, pay for y= loafe. 
 Quoth hee, had you it not againe ? which put y* woman to a 
 non plus, that y^ scholar went free away. 
 
 [93.] George {Peek) lying at an old Widdowes house, and 
 had gone on so farre on the Score, that his credit would 
 stretch no further : for she had made a vow not to depart 
 with drinke or victuals without ready money. Which George 
 seeing the fury of his froward Hostis, in griefe kept his 
 Chamber ; called to his Hostis and told her, she should 
 understand that he was not without money, how poorely 
 soever he appeared to her, and that my diet shall testifie: 
 in the meane time, good Hostis, quoth he, send for such a 
 friend of mine. Shee did : so his friend came : to whom 
 George imparted his mind; the effect whereof was this, to 
 pawne his Cloake, Hose and Doublet, unknowne to his 
 Hostis : for, quoth George this seven nights doe I intend to 
 keepe my bed. (Truly hee spake, for his intent was that the 
 bed should not keepe him any longer). Away goes he to 
 pawne his apparell ; George bespeakes good cheere to supper, 
 which was no shamble butcher stuffe, but according to the 
 place ; for, his Chamber being remote from the house, at the 
 end of the Garden, his apparell being gone, it appeared to him 
 as the Counter ; therefore to comfort himselfe he dealt in 
 Poultrie. His friend brought the money, supped with him 1 
 his Hostis hee very liberally payed, but cavelled with her at 
 her unkindnesse : vowing that while he lay there, none should 
 attend him but his friend. The Hostis reply'd, A God's name, 
 she was well contented with it : so was George too : for none 
 knew better than himselfe what he intended; but in briefe 
 thus he used his kinde Hostis. After his Apparell and Money 
 was gone, hee made bolde with the feather bed hee lay on, 
 which his friend-ship convey'd away, having as villanous a 
 Wolfe in his belly as George, though not altogether so wise; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 355 
 
 for that feather bed they devoured in two daies, feathers and 
 all, which was no sooner digested, but away went the Coverlet, 
 Sheetes and the Blancket; and at the last dinner, when 
 George's good friend perceiving nothing left but the bed-cords, 
 as the Devill would have it, straight came into his mind the 
 fashion of a halter ; the foolish kind knave would needs fetch 
 a quart of sacke for his friend George; which Sacke to this day 
 never saw Vintners Cellar; and so he left George in a cold 
 chamber, a thin shirt, a ravished bed, no comfort left him, but 
 the bare bones of deceased Capons. In this distresse, George 
 bethought him what he might doe ; nothing was left him ; and 
 as his eye wandred up and downe the empty Chamber, by 
 chance he spied out an old Armour ; at which sight George 
 was the joyfuUest man in Christendome ; for the Armour of 
 Achilles, that Ulysses and Ajax strove for, was not more 
 precious to them, than this to him : for hee presently claps it 
 upon his backe, the Halbert in his hand, the Moryon on his 
 head, and so gets out the backe way, marches from Shorditch 
 to Clarkenwell, to the no small wonder of those spectators 
 that beheld him. Being arrived to the wished haven he would 
 be, an old acquaintance of his furnished him with an old Sute 
 and an old Cloake for his old Armour. 
 
 [102.] A Lawier being sicke and extreame ill, 
 
 Was mooved by his friends to make his will, 
 
 For they with one consent resolved all ; 
 
 He never more would see Westminster Hall. 
 
 Hee feeling in himselfe his end was neere. 
 
 Unto their counsell did encline his eare ; 
 
 And absolute gave all the wealth he had 
 
 To franticke persons, lunaticke and mad, 
 
 To no man else he would a pennie give. 
 
 But only such as doe in Bedlem live. 
 
 This caused his friends most strangely to admire. 
 
 And some of them his reason did require ? 
 
 Quoth he, my reason to you I'le reveale : 
 
 That you may see with equitie I deale. 
 
 From mad mens hands I did my wealth receave, 
 
 Therefore that wealth to madmens hands I leave. 
 
3S6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [no.] Not farre from maister Hohsons house, there dwelled 
 one of those cunning men, otherwise called fortune tellers, 
 such cossoning ^ companions, as at this day, (by their Crafts) 
 make simple women beleeve how they can tell what husbands 
 they shall have, how many children, how many sweetharts, 
 and such like : if goods bee stole, who hath them, with promise 
 to helpe them to their losses againe ; with many other like 
 deceiptfuU elusions. To this wise man (as some termes him) 
 goes maister Hobson, not to reap any benefit by his crafty 
 cunning, but to make a Jest, and tryall of his experience, .so, 
 causing one of his servants to lead a masty ^ dog after him, 
 staying at the Cuning mans doore with the dog in his hand, 
 up goes master Hobson to y^ wise man, requesting his skil, 
 for he had lost ten pound lately taken from him by theeves, 
 but when and how he knew not well. The cunning man 
 knowing maister Hobson to be one of his neighbors, and a 
 man of a good reputation, fell (as he made showe) to conjuring 
 and casting of figures, and after a few words of incantation, 
 as his common use was, hee tooke a very large faire looking 
 glasse, and bad Maister Hobson to looke in the same, but not 
 to cast his eyes backward in any Case ; the which hee did, 
 and therein saw the picture of a huge and large oxe with two 
 broad homes on his head, the which was no otherwise, but as 
 hee had often deceitfully shewd to others, a cossoning fellow like 
 the cunning man himselfe, clothed in an oxe hide, which fellow 
 he maintained as his servant, to blinde the peoples eyes withall, 
 and to make them beleeve hee could shew them the Divill at 
 his pleasure in a glasse : this vision maister Hobson perceving, 
 & gessing at the knavery thereof, gave a whistle for his dog, 
 which then stayed below at the doore, in his man's keeping, 
 which whistle being no sooner hard but the dog ran up the 
 stayers to his maister, as hee had beene mad, and presently 
 fastned upon the poor fellow in the oxe hide, and so tore him 
 as it was pittifull to see. The Cunning man cried for the 
 passion of God take off your dog. No, (quoth Maister Hobson) 
 let the Divill and the Dogge fight, venture thou thy divill, and 
 I will venture my dog. To conclude, the oxe hide was tome 
 from the fellows backe, and so their knaveryes were discovered, 
 and their cunning shifts layd open to the world. 
 
 ' Cozening, cheating. = Mastiff. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 357 
 
 [94.] A Country fellow going down Ludgate Hill, his heels 
 by chance slipping from him, fell upon his Breech : one 
 standing by, told him that London Streets were stout and 
 scornful : It may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kisse 
 my Breech, as stout as they were. 
 
 The London Ladies Vindication 
 
 of 
 
 Top - Knots : 
 
 With the many Reasons that She shows for the Con- 
 tinuation of the same : 
 As also proving Men to be as Proud as themselves. 
 
 To the Tune of, Here T love. There I love: Or, TTie two English Travellers. 
 Licensed according to Order. 
 
 [112.] Young Women and Damsels that love to go fine. 
 Come listen a while to this Ditty of mine. 
 In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear 
 Our Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 I am a young Woman, 'tis very well known, 
 And I am resolv'd to make use of my own, 
 In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear 
 A Tower and Top Knot, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 They talk of a Calf which was seen in our dress. 
 But let us take Courage, Girls, nevertheless. 
 In spight of those Rumours, we'll constantly wear 
 A Tower and Top Knot, and Powdered Hair. 
 
 We are not such Fools to believe what they say, 
 'Tis fit that young Women should go fine and gay. 
 In spight of their Bugbears, brave Girls, let us wear. 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
3 S 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Were we to be Ruled by some sort of Men, 
 
 We should go like Women of Fourscore and Ten, 
 
 In spight of those Cox combs, brave Girls, we will wear 
 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 Like Beautiful Angels we strive to appear, 
 The Hearts of our Husbands in order to cheer. 
 Then what is the Reason that we may not wear 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 If we are the Pleasure and Joy of their Life, 
 Pray when can they take more delight in a Wife, 
 Then at the same time when rich Garments they wear. 
 With Towers and Top Knots, and Powdered Hair. 
 
 We see the young Misses and Jilts of the Town, 
 Have six Stories high, as they walk up and down. 
 Then pray tell me why should not honest Wives wear 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 If we an't as Fine and as Gaudy as they. 
 
 Who knows but our Husbands might soon run astray, 
 
 Consider this, Women, and still let us wear 
 
 Our Towers and Topknots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 359 
 
 It is but a Folly to tell us of Pride, 
 
 While we have these Arguments still on our side ; 
 
 As long as we live we will flourishing wear 
 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 Nay further I'le tell ye the case it is thus, 
 That all is not sav'd which is put in the Purse ; 
 A Shopkeepers Lady she utters much Ware 
 When drest in her Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 What Man would not have his Wife richly Array'd 
 When as he well knows it enlarges his Trade ; 
 Come, come, I must tell ye, 'tis fit we should wear 
 Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair. 
 
 Sometimes when our Husbands are out of the way, 
 Pray tell me what huffing young Gallants will stay, 
 If that a fine Delicate Wife were not there ? 
 Then Hey for the Top Knots, and Powdered Hair. 
 
 Some young-men may flout us, yet mark what I say, 
 There's no Woman living, now Prowder than they ; 
 Observe but the many knick-knacks which they wear. 
 More Costly than Top Knots, or Powdered Hair. 
 
 Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we daily behold. 
 And Embroidered Wastcoats of Silver and Gold ; 
 Likewise, Turn up Stockings, they constantly wear 
 More Costly than Topknots, or Powdered Hair. 
 
 If Pride be a sin and a folly, why then 
 
 Han't we a far better Example from Men ? 
 
 If Gaudy Apparel those Gallants do wear. 
 
 We will have our Top Knots and Powdered Hair. 
 
 Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black 
 
 [103.] A Gentleman in a Town in Hartfordshire, being 
 much in Debt, was oblig'd to keep House close, a Bailiff who 
 had been promised a great reward to take that Gentleman, 
 having made several attempts in vain to snap him, at last 
 
3 6o Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 resolv'd upon one that he thought could not fail, so pretending 
 himself in dispair, came by the Gentlemans Parlor Window, 
 (which was next the Street, and where he sat Writing every 
 Day) and pulling out of his Pocket a Halter, made a Nooze, 
 and seemed as if he intended to Hang himself therewith; a 
 Grindstone was before the Door, upon which he got up, and 
 threw the Rope over a good Bough of the Tree, and fastned it, 
 and then put his Head in, concluding the Gentleman would 
 whip out, and so he should arrest him ; but as the Devil would 
 have it, the Grindstone which stood firm like a Rock for him 
 to get up, tumbled down as soon as ever the Halter was about 
 his Neck, the Innocent, Unwary Gentleman seeing what past, 
 sallied out, to Cut the Rope, and save the Man ; but the 
 Bailiff's Follower lying in Ambuscade, snap'd the Gentleman 
 as soon as ever he peept out, and carried him off, and let his 
 Master hang ; who carried the Jest too far, and when the 
 Gentleman told the Bailiff's Follower that his Master would 
 
 soon be Dead if he did not cut him down — Let him be D 
 
 said he, I have got my Prize, and I shall have the Reward, and 
 my Masters place too. 
 
 [26.] A Man being very much diseas'd and weak, was be- 
 moaning himself to his only Son, whom he lov'd very well. 
 Yor, Jack, says he, if I stand, my Legs ake, if I kneel my 
 Knees ake, if I go, my Feet ake, if I lie then my Back akes, if 
 I sit my Hips ake, if I lean, my Elbows ake. Why truly, 
 Father, says he, (like a good dutiful Child) I advise you, 
 Father, to hang yourself an hour or two, and if that does not 
 do, then come to me again. 
 
 [67.] A Scholer being at a Parson's house, stole a Pig ; the 
 Parson looking out at his window, spied him and said, Scholer, 
 Scholer, I'le none of that. Noe more you shall, quoth -f 
 Scholer, and ran away with it. 
 
 [82.] A Nobleman of France (as hee was riding) met with 
 a yeoman of the Country, to whom he said, My friend, I 
 should know thee, I doe remember I have often seene thee : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 361 
 
 My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your 
 Honors poore tenants, and my name is T. I. I remember 
 thee better now (said my Lord) there were two brothers of 
 you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine alive. 
 The aforesaid Nobleman having had a Harper that was 
 blinde playing to him after supper, somewhat late, at last hee 
 arose, and commanded one of his servants to light the Harper 
 downe the staires : to whom the Serving man sayd, my Lord, 
 the Harper is blind ; thou ignorant knave, quoth my Lord, he 
 hath the more need of light. 
 
 [105.] When that Scogin had taught his schoUer that hee 
 with helpe might be Sub deacon, he said to him, thou shalt goe 
 to take orders, and I will go with thee. And if thou dost 
 stand in any doubt, take heed to my booke, and give an eare 
 to me, and I will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they 
 that should take orders, were come to oppositions, Scogin did 
 come forth with his scholler. And the Ordinary did oppose 
 him with a verse of the Psalter; which was this, Moab, 
 Agareniy Gebal, Amon 6^ Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum. 
 Scogins scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said Scogin to 
 the Ordinary, you shall understand that Moab, Agareni, Gebal, 
 Amon &= Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, were unhappy 
 fellowes, for they did trouble the children of Israel, and if they 
 trouble my scholler, it is no marvell : but now I doe tell thee, 
 my scholler, be not afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon &= 
 Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, for I will stand beside to 
 comfort thee, for Moab, Agareni Ss^c can do thee no harm for 
 they be dead. By reason that Scogin did so oft repeate these 
 words, the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid : and through 
 Scogins promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholler 
 should take Orders, and be Sub deacon. After this when the 
 orders were given againe, Scogin did speake to his schollers 
 Father, to send in a letter three or foure peeces of gold. The 
 Schollers Father was content so to doe ; so that his son might 
 be Deacon. Then said Scogin to his scholler, thou shalt 
 deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth sit in opposi- 
 tions, and as soone as he feeleth the letter, he will perceive 
 that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee 
 
362 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Quomoio valet magtster tuusi that is to say, how doth thy 
 Master ? thou shalt say Bene : that is to say, well. Then will 
 he say, Quid petis ? What thing doest thou aske ? Then 
 thou shalt say, Diaconatum, to be a Deacon. Then the 
 Ordinary will say, Es tu literatus 1 art thou learned ? & thou 
 shalt say Aliqualiter, somewhat. Now said Scogin, thou hast 
 no more than three words to beare in mind in Latine, which is 
 to say Bene, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and 
 the scholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money 
 he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and de- 
 livered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving 
 money in the letter, said to the scholler. Quid petis 1 that is 
 to say, what dost thou aske or desire ? The scholler remem- 
 bring Scogins words, that the first word was Bene, he said Bene, 
 that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said 
 Quomodo valet Magister tuus ? How doth thy Master ? The 
 scholler said, Diaconatum that is to say Deacon. The Ordi- 
 nary did see he was a foole, & said, Tu es stultus, thou art a 
 foole : the scholler said Aliqualiter, that is to say, somewhat. 
 Nay, said the Ordinary not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, a starke 
 foole. Then the scholler was amazed, and said, sir, let me 
 not goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell 
 of gold for you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary, on that 
 condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and 
 learne, you shall bee Deacon at this time. Heere a man may 
 see that money is better than learning. 
 
 [17.] In a wedding between a Gentleman of a great Family 
 and no Wealth, and a Widdow of great Wealth ; says one This 
 is like a Black pudding ; the one brought blood, and the other 
 Suet and Oatmeal 
 
 [no.] In the beginning 'of Queene Elizabeaths raigne, when 
 the order of hanging out lanterne and Candlelight first of all 
 was brought up ; the bedell of the warde where Maister Hohon 
 dwelt, in a darke evening crieing up and downe, hang out your 
 lantornes ; using no other words. Whereupon Maister Hobson 
 tooke an empty lantorne, and according to the beadles call 
 hung it out. This flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 363 
 
 part, and for the same offence was sent to the counter ; but 
 being released, the next night following, the beadle thinking to 
 amend his call, cried with a loud voice, hang out your lantorne 
 and Candle. Maister Hobson hereupon hung out a lantorne 
 and candle unlighted, as the beadle againe commanded, where- 
 upon he was sent againe to the counter. But the next night 
 the beadle being better advised, cryed, hang out your lantorne 
 and candle light, hang out your lantorne and candle light, 
 which maister Hobson at last did, to his great commendations, 
 which try of lanthorne and candle light is in right manner used 
 to this day. 
 
 [94.] One observ'd it to be a good fashion that was worn 
 now a days, because the Taylors had so contrivd it, that there 
 was little or no Waste in a whole Suit. 
 
 The illustration to this satire on drunkenness (which is 
 dated September 1652) is indebted for its point to the foxes, 
 it being then a cant term when a man was drunk to say he 
 was foxed; the geese denote the foolish behaviour of men 
 when under the influence of drink. 
 
 BARNABIES SUMMONS: 
 
 Paie your Groat in the Morning. 
 
 [113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, called Vintners, Sack 
 drawers. White wine, Claret, Rhenish, Bastard Sherry, or 
 Canary Blades, and Birds, together with all Ale Brewers, Beer 
 Brewers (alias) Hogshead fillers, Barrellers, Tapsters, or 
 Firkinners : As also for all Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, 
 Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, RufHers, Scufflers, and ShufHers, 
 with Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast makers ; not for- 
 getting other depending Officers of a lower Rank, of our 
 stumbling Fraternity, viz Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck 
 spigots. Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, in- 
 cluding in the said Warrant as a Reserve, our true and trusty 
 Friends for the speedier effecting our designe and purpose. All 
 
3^4 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Vulcans, Crispins, Tinkers, Pedlars, and of late our endeared 
 friends, the Society of Upstart Printers, and Newes Mongers ; 
 and excluding by special command, all Three peny Ordinary 
 Sharks, as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers, Snip Eared 
 Scriveners, Presbyters, either English, Scotch, or Dutch, (but 
 stay there a little) for though the last of these be good for 
 nothing else, yet they are stout Drinkers and Drunkards ; and 
 therefore if they please to tiple as formerly they have done, 
 and must doe now, they shall have the benefit of this our 
 Warrant, provided they neither drink all, nor too much ; our 
 
 Execute your 
 
 Wartdnt. 
 
 Bcw«rcjrour Crcfe. 
 
 Warrant for the generall content of all Bonos Sociqs is set 
 out in maner and forme following, that all whom it may con- 
 cern (as it does too many) may, if they can stand, understand 
 it. 
 
 The WARRANT. 
 Know all men by these presents, that we. Sir Resolute Red- 
 nose, of the Town of Taplow, in the County of Cumberland, 
 with our dear and trusty Cosins Sir Ferdinando Fiery Face, 
 Lord Sigistnund Ruby Nose, together with our associates and 
 fellow Commissioners, Sir William Swill-boule, Sir Gregory 
 Toss-pot, Sir Thomas Spend-all, Sir Alexander Dry lips. Sir 
 Lewis Lick-Spiggot, Edward Barley, Thomas Maltster, Richard 
 Brewer, and Geffery Tapster Esquires &c. By vertue of a 
 Mandamus, or a fieri facias, issued unto us from the great 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 365 
 
 Wine Cellar in Bacchus Prerogative Court, near to Stumbling 
 Alley, from the Lord James Fill-Pot, and Signeur Jeronymo 
 Tap-lash, do Enact, appoint, and ordaine, that any and every 
 person,' male or female, of what Countrey soever, being taken 
 so drunk, that they are without wit, sence, or reason, shall forth- 
 with pay to the under Officers herein named, viz, to John Bottle 
 nose, William Suck-all, Gerard Turn- Tub, and Jenkin ap 
 Morgan of Ale-ton, or to their Deputy, or Deputies, the full 
 and just sum of 4"* without any resistance or delay upon the 
 next Morning ; but in case of any of the Delinquents in the 
 Premises, shall be so ingenuous as to confesse their fault with- 
 out distraining, that then this Penalty shall not exceed above 
 2^- But in case the parties are resolved to ride the old ridden 
 Jade called Cut, or a Dog of the same Haire ^ next morning, 
 without any remorse, and will presume to hunt the Fox againe, 
 that then our said Bayliffs, and Deputies are forthwith either 
 to joyne with them, or else to suspend the execution of this 
 our said Warrant, till he or they may be sober, which is much 
 feared will not quickly be effected ; and therefore, for the 
 better and surer progresse herein, that Justice may be the 
 sooner executed, we enjoyn all Constables of Burroughs and 
 Parishes as well high as Petty, to be assisting to this our merry 
 Warrant, and do desire them if they or any of their substitute 
 Officers can find leasure from sleep, or their nodding benches, 
 to examine the Premises and Persons, to shew due respects 
 unto them, considering well that the case and cause not only 
 hath been their own, but suddenly and shortly will be again, 
 as soon as they can either meet with merry Company or good 
 moneys. Hereof they or any of them are not to faile at their 
 utmost perils. 
 
 To all Constables, Head bor- Given at our Mannour of 
 oughs, and other petty Officers, Flushing in the Full Moone 
 and stout Drinkers, whom this Tavern at Sun rising 
 specially concernes. Anno 155432. 
 
 Upon the last day of the first 
 of March. 
 
 Ut Supra. 
 Sic in oris:. 
 
366 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [26.] One told a Story (which he swore was of certain as 
 you know all these things are,) For, says he, I was riding to 
 Saint Albans, and riding through a Lane, that was of stiif Clay, 
 as I was galloping, my Horses foot sticking in, pluckt off shoe 
 and hooff too, and so I gallopt on for three or four Miles ; and 
 my horse never complained, that I never saw a horse gallop 
 so well on three legs in my life ; at length he began to .limp, 
 then I lighted to see what he ailed and found both shooe and 
 hooff gone ; so, fearing to pay for the horse, got presently up 
 agen, and gallopt as fast as I could drive ; and fortunately my 
 Horse leg lighted agen in the same place, and puU'd up hooff, 
 shoe and all, which was better fastened than when I came out ; 
 and so I performed my journy, and got that night as far as I 
 rid. 
 
 [91.] One evening as Cold as Cold might be, 
 
 With frost and haile, and pinching weather, 
 Companions about three times three 
 Lay close all in a pound together. 
 Yet one after another they tooke a heate, 
 And died that night all in a sweat. 
 Resolution. A pound of Candles. 
 
 This Ditty out of Gloucestershire was sent. 
 To London, for to have it put in Print ; 
 I Therefore draw near, and listen unto this, 
 It doth concern a Man that did Amiss ; 
 And so to shun the Anger of his Wife, 
 He thought with Poyson for to end his Life, 
 But instead of Poyson he drank Sack, 
 For which his Wife did soundly pay's back- 
 To the Tune of Old Flesh &c.— 
 
 [114.] There was a shaving Royster, 
 as I heard many tell, 
 In Michal-Danes fair forest, 
 in Gloucestershire did dwell : 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 Some call'd him William Wiseman, 
 but in that they were to blame, 
 
 Some call'd him Leonard Lackwit, 
 but that was not his name ; 
 
 His name was Simple Simon, 
 as it is well approv'd, 
 
 367 
 
 And among his Friends and Kinsfolks, 
 
 he dearly was belov'd : 
 He capor'd and he vapour'd 
 
 and he liv'd a merry life. 
 But yet, good Man, at all times, 
 
 he could not rule his Wife. 
 
 His Wife she was a Woman, 
 
 that lov'd a cup of Sack, 
 And she would tipple soundly, 
 
 behind her Husband's back ; 
 
368 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 A bottle she had gotten that 
 
 would hold two quarts or more, 
 Well fill'd with wine she hang'd it 
 
 behind her chamber door : 
 And she told unto her Husband 
 
 that it was poyson strong, 
 And bad him not to touch it, 
 
 for fear of doing wrong : 
 If thou drink but one drop on't, 
 
 (quoth she) 'twill end thy life ; 
 Therefore in time take heed, 
 
 and be ruled by thy Wife. 
 
 This Simon's wife had plenty 
 
 of fatting hogs and pigs, 
 With geese, ducks, hens, and turkies, 
 
 that laid great store of eggs : 
 Both Sheep and such like cattel, 
 
 fine ews and pritty lambs. 
 Which up and down the forrest 
 
 did feed, and suck their dams ; 
 She put trust to her Husband 
 
 to look unto them all, 
 To keep them safe from danger ; 
 
 now mark what did befal : 
 He did his best endeavour 
 
 to shun all sorts of strife, 
 And yet through strange misfortune 
 
 he could not please his Wife. 
 
 One morning she sent him 
 
 to field to keep her sheep. 
 And charg'd him to be watchful, 
 
 and take heed he did not sleep : 
 A piece of bread and butter 
 
 she gave him in his hand, 
 Whereby she made him promise 
 
 to do as she did command. 
 But see what happened to him, 
 
 when he came to the field. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 369 
 
 He fell asleep, while foxes 
 
 three of his lambs had killed : 
 This bred a great dissention 
 
 and rais'd a world of strife, ■ 
 Till Simon for his fault 
 
 had beg'd pardon of his Wife. 
 
 Another day she sent him 
 
 her ducks and geese to tend, 
 And charg'd him on her blessing, 
 
 he should no more offend : 
 Her goslins and her chickens 
 
 with him she put in trust, 
 Who took a stick and told them, 
 
 for they were twenty just : 
 But a woful chance befel to 
 
 poor Simon before night. 
 For seven of his chickens 
 
 were took prisoners by the kite : 
 This vexed him, and it made him 
 
 half weary of his life. 
 For he knew not what answer 
 
 to make unto his Wife. 
 
 Next morning when that Simon 
 
 was sent to milk the cow. 
 Another strange mishap there was 
 
 done to him by the sow ; 
 For whilst that he was driving 
 
 the little pigs away, 
 The sow came into the dairy-house 
 
 and swill'd up all the whey ; 
 The cheese out of the cheese fat 
 
 she did both tear and hawl, 
 And so threw down the cream-pot, 
 
 and made an end of all : 
 Wherewith she burst her belly, 
 
 and so she lost her life. 
 And poor Simon knew not what answer 
 
 to make unto his wife. 
 
 2 B 
 
370 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 When's Wife came in the dairy-house, 
 
 and saw what there was done, 
 A strong and fierce encounter 
 
 she presently begun ; 
 She pull'd him by the ears, 
 
 and she wrung him by the nose, 
 And she kickt him on the belly, 
 
 while the tears ran down his hose. 
 And she vow'd to be revenged 
 
 before the morrow day, 
 For all the brood of chickens, 
 
 which the kite had carried away : 
 Poor Simon stood amazed, 
 
 being weary of his life. 
 For he good Man was tired 
 
 with his unruly Wife. 
 
 For when that he perceived 
 
 his Wife in such a rage, 
 Nor knowing how, nor which way 
 
 his fury to asswage : 
 He cunningly got from her, 
 
 and to the chamber went, 
 Thinking himself to poyson, 
 
 for that was his intent ; 
 So coming to the bottle, 
 
 which I spoke of before. 
 He thought it to be poyson, 
 
 which hung behind the door : 
 He vow'd to drink it all up, 
 
 and end his wretched life, 
 Rather than live in thraldom, 
 
 with such a cursed Wife. 
 
 So opening of a window, which 
 stood towards the South, 
 
 He took the bottle of sack, 
 and set it to his mouth : 
 
 Now will I drink this poyson, 
 (quoth he) with all my heart ; 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 371 
 
 So that the first draught he drunk on't 
 
 he swallowed near a quart : 
 The second time that he set 
 
 the bottle to his snout, 
 He never left off swigging, 
 
 till he had suckt all out : 
 Which done, he fell down backward 
 
 like one bereft of life, 
 Crying out, I now am poysoned 
 
 by means of my cursed Wife. 
 
 Quoth he, I feel the poyson 
 
 now run through every vein. 
 It rumbles in my belly, 
 
 and it tickles in my brain ; 
 It wambles in my stomack, 
 
 and it molifies my heart, 
 It pierceth through my members, 
 
 and yet I feel no smart ; 
 Would all that have curst wives, 
 
 example take hereby, 
 For I dye as sweet a death sure, . 
 
 as ever man did dye : 
 'Tis better with such poyson, 
 
 to end a wretched life, 
 Than to live, and be tormented 
 
 with such a wicked Wife. 
 
 Now see what followed after, 
 
 his Wife by chance did walk. 
 And coming by the window, 
 
 she heard her Simon talk ; 
 And thinking on her bottle, 
 
 she up the stairs did run. 
 And came into the chamber, 
 
 to see what he had done ; 
 When as she saw her Husband, 
 
 lying drunk upon his back, 
 And the bottle lying by him, 
 
 but never a drop of sack : 
 
372 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 I am poyson'd, I am poyson'd, 
 quoth he, long of my Wife, 
 
 I hope I shall be at quiet 
 now I have lost my life. 
 
 Pox take you, are you poyson'd, 
 
 (quoth she) I now will strive. 
 And do my best endeavour 
 
 to make you run alive : 
 With that a quill of powder 
 
 she blew up in his nose. 
 Then like a man turn'd antick, 
 
 he presently arose ; 
 So down the stairs he run straight, 
 
 into the open street. 
 With hooping and hollowing, 
 
 to all that he did meet ; 
 And with a loud voice cryed out, 
 
 I am raised from death to life, 
 By virtue of a powder, that 
 
 was given me by my Wife. 
 
 Some folks that did behold him, 
 
 were in a grievous fear. 
 For seeing of a Madman, 
 
 they durst not him come near : 
 He leaped and he skipped, 
 
 thorow fair and thorow foul. 
 Whilst the people gaz'd upon him 
 
 like pyce upon an owl : 
 His Wife she followed after, 
 
 thorow thick, and thorow thin, 
 And with a basting cudgel 
 
 she soundly bang'd his skin : 
 And thus poor Simon cryed out 
 
 I'm raised from death to life. 
 By virtue of a powder, that 
 
 was given me by my Wife. 
 
 At last a friend of Simon^s 
 which was to him some kin. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 373 
 
 By fair and kind persuasions, 
 
 open'd door and let him in ; 
 He sent for Simon's Wife, and 
 
 so made them both good friends, 
 Who kindly kist each other, 
 
 and so all discord ends ; 
 The Neighbours all rejoyced 
 
 to see them thus agreed, 
 And like a loving couple 
 
 to bed they went with speed. 
 No doubt but Simple Simon 
 
 that night well pleas'd his wife, 
 For ever since that time, he 
 
 hath lived a quiet Ufe. 
 
 London : Printed by and for W. Onley^ and A. Melbourn; ^ and 
 sold by the Booksellers of Pye Corner and London Bridge. 
 
 [93.] George (Peele) was making merry with three or foure 
 of his friends in Pye Corner ; where the Tapster of the house 
 was much given to Poetrie : for he had ingrossed The Knight 
 of the Sunne, Venus and Adonis, and other Pamphlets which 
 the Stripling had collected together j and knowing George to 
 be a Poet, he tooke great delight in his company, and out of 
 his bounty would bestow a brace of Cannes of him. George 
 observing the humour of the Tapster, meant presently to worke 
 upon him. Wliat will you say, quoth George to his friends, if, 
 out of this spirit of the Cellar, I fetch a good Angell, that 
 shall bid us all to supper. We would gladly see that quoth 
 his friends. Content your selfe, quoth George. The Tapster 
 ascends with his two Cannes, delivers one to Master Peele, and 
 the other to his friends : gives them kind welcome : but George, 
 in stead of giving him thankes, bids him not to trouble him : 
 and beginnes in these termes : I protest. Gentlemen, I wonder 
 you will urge me so much ; I sweare I have it not about me. 
 What is the matter? quoth the Tapster. Hath any one 
 
 1 Published between 1650 and 1702. 
 
 2 Published between 1670 and 1697. 
 
374 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 angered you ? No, faith, quoth George, He tell thee, it is this : 
 There is a friend of ours in Newgate, for nothing but onely the 
 command of the Justices, and he being now to be released, 
 sends to me to bring him an Angell: now the man I love 
 dearely well ; and if hee want tenne Angels he shall have them ; 
 for I know him sure : but heere's the misery, either I must goe 
 home, or I must be forced to pawne this ; and pluckes an old 
 Harry-groat out of his pocket. The Tapster lookes upon it : 
 Why, and it please you. Sir, quoth he, this is but a groat. No, 
 Sir, quoth George, I know it is but a groat : but this groat will 
 I not lose for forty pound : for this groat had I of my mother, 
 as a testimony of a Lease of a House I am to possesse after 
 her decease ; and if I should lose this groat, I were in a faire 
 case : and either I must pawne this groat, or there the fellow 
 must lye still. Quoth the Tapster, If it please you, I will lend 
 you an Angell on it, and I will assure you it shall bee safe. 
 Wilt thou ? quoth George; as thou art an honest man, locke 
 it up in thy Chest, and let me have it whensoever I call for it. 
 As I am an honest man, you shall, quoth the Tapster. George 
 delivered him his groat ; the Tapster gave him ten shillings : 
 to the Taverne goe they with the money, and there merrily 
 spend it. It fell out, some time after, the Tapster, having 
 many of these lurches,^ fell to decay, and indeede was turned 
 out of service, having no more coine in the world than this 
 groat, and in this misery, hee met George, as poore as himselfe. 
 O, Sir, quoth the Tapster, you are happily met ; I have your 
 groat safe, though since I saw you last, I have bid great 
 extremitie ; and I protest, save that groat, I have not any one 
 penny in the world ; therefore I pray you. Sir, helpe me to my 
 money, and take your pawne. Not for the World, quoth 
 George : thou saist thou hast but that Groat in the world : my 
 bargaine was, that thou shouldst keepe that groat, untill I did 
 demand it of thee : I ask thee none. I will doe thee farre 
 more good ; because thou art an honest fellow, keepe thou that 
 groat still, till I call for it : and so doing, the proudest Jacke 
 in England cannot justifie that thou art not worth a groat ; 
 otherwise, they might : and so, honest Michael, farewell. So 
 George leaves the poore Tapster picking of his fingers, his head 
 * Drains on his purse. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 375 
 
 full of proclamations what he might doe : at last sighing, hee 
 ends with this Proverbe 
 
 For the price of a Barrel of Beere 
 I have bought a gi-oats worth of wit, 
 Is not that deare ? 
 
 [67.] In a certaine towne there was a goose stolne, and it 
 could not bee found, out who stole it ; so ye minister a while 
 after at service, bade all ye people kneele downe, who answered 
 I. (aye) Many did, but saith hee, he that stole ye goose doth 
 not. But I doe, quoth hee, and was taken. 
 
 [103.] An English Gentleman taking into his Service (in 
 pure Compassion) an Irishman, who was forc'd to leave his 
 Country upon his Conversion from the Romish (of which he 
 was a Priest) to the English Church : Employed him in 
 Errands, and sometimes let him follow him, to acquaint him 
 with the Town ; and having staid at a Coffee House some time, 
 in expectation of a Man with whom he had Business, who not 
 coming, he left his Servant there, to tell him that he could 
 stay no longer, but was gone to such a Tavern. The Fellow 
 immediately run after his Master, and ask'd him What he should 
 say to the Gentleman if he should not come ? 
 
 [no.] A poore begger man, that was foule, blacke, and 
 loathsome to behould, came on a time to Maister Hobson as 
 he walked in Moore feelds, and asked something of him for an 
 almes, to which Maister Hobson said, I prethee, good fellow, 
 get thee from me, for thou lookst as thou camst lately out of 
 hell. The poore begger man, perceving hee would give him 
 nothing, answered forsooth, Sir, you say true, for I came lately 
 out of Hell indeed ; why didst not thou tarry there still ? quoth 
 maister Hobson; nay. Sir, quoth the begger, there is no Roome 
 for such begerr men as I am, for all is kept for such gentlemen 
 Cittizens as you be : this wity answere caused Maister Hobson 
 to give the poore man a teaster.^ 
 
 [82.] A Fellow having more drinke than wit, in a winter 
 evening made a foolish vowe, to take the wall of as many as 
 ^ Sixpence. ' 
 
376 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 hee met betwixt the Temple bar, and Charing Crosse; and 
 comming neere the Savoy, where stood a Poste, a little distance 
 from the wall, the Drunkard tooke it for a man, and would have 
 the wall, beginning to quarrell and give the Poste foule words : 
 at which a man came by, and asked the matter, and whom he 
 spake to : hee answered hee would have the wall of that fellow 
 that stood so stiffly there : my friend, said the other, that is a 
 Poste, you must give him the way. Is it so, said the fellow, a 
 pox upon him, why did he not blow his horn ? 
 
 [26.] Two Baboons being to be seen at their first coming 
 to London, abundance of Citizens and others did resort thither 
 to take a view of them, and did heartily laugh at their ugliness, 
 and the strange faces which they made ; which a most motheriy 
 and very discreet woman being present, did sharply thus rebuke 
 'em. "D'ye think you do well to laugh at strangers, who 
 understand not your Language, and if you were in their 
 Country, you'd take it for a great abuse, I warrant you, if they 
 should laugh at you." 
 
 [4.] King James Riding a Hunting in Essex, comes to a 
 Gate which he must go through, and seeing a Country Clown 
 at it, he says to him, Prethee, good Fellow, open the gate. 
 But he, knowing who it was, answered, No, a'nt please your 
 Grace, I am not worthy to be in that Office ; but I'le run and 
 fetch M"^ Jolmson, who is a Justice of the Peace, and lives a 
 Mile off, and he shall open it for your Grace : so he ran away 
 as fast as he could, and left the King to open it himself 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 377 
 
 The French Dancing-Master 
 
 AND THE 
 
 ENGLISH SOLDIER. 
 
 Or, the Difference betwixt Fidling and Fighting 
 
 Displayed in a Dialogue betwixt an Englishman 
 
 and a Frenchman. 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 [115.] Monsieur, good morn, whither away so faste ? 
 
 Some great importance sure doth cause this haste ; 
 Your running looks do in effect thus say, 
 Monsieur is gone, 'cause Landlord asketh pay. 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar me no sush man, me scorn de shift 
 Me plus Affaires dat me from home do lift. 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 You scorn to shift, tis true I think you say. 
 Witness your Shirt, not washt this many a day. 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Par me fay de Rascall to degrase, 
 
 Ne autre man in de varle live in such case ; 
 
 Begar though me no speak si bon English, 
 
 Me thrush Tord in de belly if de speak dis ; 
 
 Begar me de born Gentil-man de France 
 
 Me can learn English a le mode de Dance : 
 
 Me play ode leetle Fidle, me can sing. 
 
 Par mafoy, no Poet Orphus sush Musick bring ; 
 
 Begar, you no sush man in all de England have, 
 
 For de Fidle, and de Dancing brave. 
 
378 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 But when you come to meet your Foe in face 
 The Fidler and the Fidler's out of case. 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar de art Jack-napes to a teetle^ 
 
 Me be brave Fellow, me can feight a leetle ; 
 
 Me wear Feader in de Hat, me have Tord by side. 
 
 Me be de Gentil-man when me on de Horse ride ; 
 
 Englishman be a Clown, make Leg like a de Beare, 
 
 Frenchman be de Gentil-man, he fidle, and he dance rare. 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 'Tis true, in dancing you do us excel, 
 But can you, as the English, fight as well? 
 When Mars unsheaths his Sword, and Canons roar. 
 And men lye welt'ring in their purple gore. 
 When Towns are burnt, and Cities are destroy'd, 
 To what use will your Dancing be employ'd ? 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar he de great Fool to speak sush ting, 
 Brava, brava, de Dance, de Fidele, Sing; 
 No sush ting in de varle, to peepe, to dance. 
 To be dreass like de Madam, a le Mode France. 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 Brave Monsieur ! gallant Monsieur ! wondrous rare ! 
 Fidling and fooling, none with thee compare ! 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar, he be de Rogue, de Villain, de Carle, 
 
 To speak 'gainst de Dance, de brave ting in de varle ; 
 
 Begar me do love it out of all de Cry, 
 
 Par mafoy he speak 'gainst it, tell loud lye : 
 
 France-man is de Gentilman in de high Sphere, 
 
 Vat is de Clown vas dis skip de Angleterre 
 
 De French Monsieur skip and leap like de Spright, 
 
 He caper and kick, is not dat a rare Shite ? 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 379 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 A rare Shite 'tis indeed, I needs must say, 
 To see men skip like Puppets in a Play ; 
 To act the Mimick, fidle, prate and Dance, 
 And cringe like Apes, is a le mode France : 
 But to be resolute, one to fight with ten, 
 And beat them, 's proper unto English men. 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar France man is couragio, feight like te Tiffell, 
 
 He kill, he slay, cutt men off de midle ; 
 
 De brave Monsieurs, de Oliver, de Rowland, 
 
 Begar de feight as long as de could stand ; 
 
 Amadis de Gaule, de Jioy Charlemain, 
 
 De make blood run down like drops of de rain, 
 
 Begar, with new fashion so exc'lent ! so rare ! 
 
 No men in de varle wid de French make compare. 
 
 Englishman. 
 
 But Monsieur, have you never heard report 
 
 Of Poictiers, Crescy, and of Agen-court ? 
 
 When France was drown'd with streams of Frenchmen's 
 
 blood. 
 And English Valor could not be withstood ? 
 Sixth Henry in Paris Crown'd in State, 
 And France (submissive) did on England wait. 
 When only Talbot's Name did bear such sway, 
 To make Ten thousand French men run away ? 
 Is not France, and the Nation still the same, 
 Whom England did in all Encounters tame ? 
 Have we not Hero's still who are endu'd 
 With Valor, (Stars of the first Magnitude ?) 
 YoRKS Duke, Brave Albemarle, equal to those 
 Our Ancestors, who French men did oppose ? 
 With other Worthies of deserved Fame, 
 Make Frenchmen tremble for to hear their Name. 
 
380 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Frenchman. 
 
 Begar dis true, de English-man speak right, 
 France leave to Dance, and now de learn to Fight. 
 
 Adieu Monsieur. 
 London, Printed in the Year 1666. 
 
 [103.] A Nobleman often hunting, used to be always near 
 his Huntsman, who was an excellent old Servant, and one of 
 whom he priz'd, and was often familiar with ; but at coming to 
 a Hedge or Ditch, he wou'd call him. Jack do you leap first. 
 Not I by G — , my Lord, (reply's he) do you go first and break 
 your Neck, if you please, I value mine a little more. 
 
 [82.] A Countrey woman at an Assize was to take her oath 
 against a party ; the said party entreated the Judge that her 
 oath might not bee taken; the Judge demanded why he 
 excepted against her : my Lord (quoth hee) shee is a Re- 
 cusant or Romane Catholique, and they hold it in no matter 
 of Conscience to swear any thing against us. Come hither, 
 woman, said the Judge, I doe not thinke thou art a Recusant, 
 I am perswaded that for fourty shillings thou wilt sweare the 
 Pope is a knave : Good, my Lord, said shee, the Pope is a 
 stranger to mee, but if I knew him as well as I know your 
 Lordship, I would sweare for half the mony. 
 
 [116.] The following satire is given merely as a type : 
 
 From Commonwealth Coblers, and zealous State Tinkers, 
 From Speeches and Expedients of Politick Blinkers, 
 From Rebellious Taps, and Tapsters, and Skinkers. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From Elephant Baptists, and their doughty free State, 
 From looking in Newgate through Reformation Grate, 
 And from their last sayings and Hempen-ruff Fate. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From Papists on one hand, and Phanatick o' th' t'other, 
 From Presbyter y«(3^, the Popes younger brother. 
 And Congregational Daughters far worse than their Mother. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 381 
 
 From Religions that teach men to kill and to slay, 
 From faith that is coupled with the word Disobey, 
 And from Sectaries e'er having of another day. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From Members that constantly quarrel with the Head, 
 And subjects that for Sterling, pay their Sovereign with Lead, 
 And preserve Kings and Governments by wishing them dead. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From over short Parliaments, and over long, 
 From a selling our Birth rights for an old song. 
 And breaking Mag. Charta to make it more strong. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From taking away Juries by Parliament Votes, 
 And securing from Popery by cutting of throats. 
 From a Beam in ovu: Eye, to cure them of Motes. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From " Vox "es, and factious saucy Addresses, 
 To repeal those good Laws of honest Qu. Bess'es 
 From Fanaticks rage, and the Popes God bless us. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From a Bill that to take away Ale and Cake voices, 
 Robs all the old Freeholders, at Elections, of Choices, 
 And enables Fanaticks to make greater Noises. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 From the wisdom of Bedlam, and the anger of Fools, 
 From the whipping and learning of meeting house Schools 
 And the Exit of Traytors, and Commonwealth Tools. 
 
 Libera nos. 
 
 Of the following satire only a portion is given, as the 
 pamphlet (of ten pages) is too long to give in exUnso : — 
 
 [117.] Received out of the Treasuries of the Excize, Cus- 
 toms and the Exchequer ;^43o,ooo. 
 
382 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Disbursed as followeth 
 
 The ACCOMPT. 
 
 L. S. D 
 
 Imprimis. For three and twenty long Cloaks, at 
 Seven Pounds Ten Shillings, per Cloak, 
 to cover the Committee^ of Safety's 
 Knavery. 243. — — 
 
 Item. For Six Dozen of large fine Holland Hand- 
 kerchiefs, with great French Buttons, for 
 the Lord Fleetwood, to wipe away the 
 Teares from his Excellencies Cheeks, at 
 Twenty Shillings per Handkerchief. 72. — . — 
 
 Item Paid his young Daughters Musick-Master, 
 and Dancing Master, for fifteen Moneths 
 AiTears, due at the Interruption of Par- 
 liament 59. 5. — 
 
 Item For four rich Mantles for his Lady, two 
 lac'd and two embroidered, and a brave 
 New Gown, made to congratulate her 
 Husband's new Honor. 270. — . — 
 
 Item Bestowed by her Order, upon the Journey 
 men Taylors, and given to him that 
 brought home and tryed on the said 
 Gown, seven pieces in gold. 7- i4- — 
 
 Item For an innumerable company of Pectoral 
 Rolls and Lozenges, to dry up his Excel- 
 lencies Rheum, at two pence a piece 30. 2. 2 
 
 Item For two Rolls of Spanish Tobacco for 
 Colonel Sydenham, at twenty shillings 
 per pound, according to the Protectors 
 rate, and five black Pots to warm Ale in, 
 at twelve pence a piece, together with 
 ten Groce of glaz'd Pipes, at nine shil- 
 lings the groce. 45- ^S- 4- 
 ^ A committee of 23, which was inaugurated on 26th October 1659 
 
 to take upon themselves the exercise of the Government, till another form 
 
 of Government should be agreed upon, which they declared should never 
 
 be in single hands again, as a Chief Magistrate, a, King, or even the House 
 
 of Lords. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 383 
 
 Itetn For two gilt Horn bookes for his great son, 
 
 at two shillings, sixpence a piece 5. — 
 
 Item laid out for seven rich new Gowns, bespoke 
 at Paris for the Lady Lambert, to be worn 
 seven several dayes one after another, at 
 her Husbands coming to the Crowne, 
 every Gown valued at Sixty pound, one 
 with the other 480. — . - — 
 
 Item for Pins and Gloves for the said Lady 83. 9, • — 
 
 Item for vamping Colonel Clarks Riding boots, 
 
 and for new Spur Leathers 10. • — . — ■ 
 
 &c &c &c &c — 
 
 Parody was almost unknown, but the following will serve 
 as an example ; — 
 
 Song. 
 
 [118.] I must confess, upon a day. 
 
 When all my thoughts were Westward ha, 
 Near Hampton Court I saw a Face, 
 The Throne of Modesty and Grace ; 
 In whose each motion might be seen 
 Hadassa and the Southern Queen ; 
 Her Smiles were arguments to prove 
 The Fhoenix, and the God of Love. 
 From these the Pencil learnt those Draughts 
 Of Titan's Beams, and Cupid's Shafts. 
 
 Bless me, said I, since I must die, 
 My Heart a Sacrifice shall lie, 
 Burnt with the Lustre of her eye. 
 
 The Mock. 
 
 And I, being lately Eastward bound. 
 To take a merry Countrey Round, 
 There I beheld a Thing call'd Woman, 
 Save him that hath her. Match for no man ! 
 In whose behaviour you may spell ^ 
 WhsX Job's Wife was, &nd. Jezabel. 
 
384 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Her looks make good the doubtful story 
 Of Acharon and Purgatory. 
 From these the Painter had advice 
 To limn the Toad and Cockatrice. 
 
 This made me cry, since Friends must part, 
 E're this vile wretch shall have my heart, 
 I'le suffer. Drive away the Cart. 
 
 [105.] There was an olde woman that had but one tooth 
 in her head, & that did ake very sore, she went to Master 
 Scogin for remedy. Come with me, mother, said Scogin, & 
 you shall be healed by & by. He then got a packthreed, and 
 went to the Smiths forge with the woman, and he said to the 
 Smith, I pray you, heate me a Coulter in your Forge. I will, 
 said the Smith. Then he went to the old woman, and said. 
 Mother, let me see your tooth, and she did so : he took his 
 packthreed and bound it fast about the tooth, & tyed the other 
 end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore, whereat the 
 Smith used to tie his horses & mares, and when the Coulter 
 was glowing hot, Scogin tooke the Coulter and ran with it 
 against the old woman, saying ; Why dost thou stand here like 
 an old mare ? I will run thee through with this hot Coulter. 
 The" woman being afraid, gave a braid^ with her head, and ran 
 her way, & left her tooth behind her. Scogin ran after the 
 woman, and she cryed out for helpe (for she was afraid that 
 Scogin would have burnt her.) The Smith ran after Scogin 
 for his Coulter, for he was afraid that Scogin would run away 
 with it 
 
 [94.] One perswaded a Scholar that was much given to 
 rambling, and going abroad, to sell or put away his Cushion, 
 and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study. 
 
 [26.] A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen 
 for Money, which he pretended was due to him, and finding 
 his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness 
 and went to him himself, and modestly said to him in private : 
 Sir, There's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so, says 
 1 A start, a toss of the head. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 385 
 
 the Scholar, I pray where is it ? we'll divide it if you please. 
 Sir, says he, I have taken your word for it hitherto. Truly, 
 says he, so you are like to do till you are paid. 
 
 [4.] A young lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed 
 so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found 
 a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning : I, says the 
 Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it. 
 
 [no.] Maister Hoison on a time in company of one of his 
 neighbors, roade from London towards Sturbridge faire, so the 
 first night of there jorny they lodged at Ware in an Inne 
 where great store of Company was, and in the morning when 
 every man made him ready to ride, and some were on 
 horsbacke setting forward, the Cittizen, his neighbour found 
 him sitting at the Inne gate, booted and spurd, in a browne 
 studdy, to whome hee saide, for shame, Maister Hobson, why 
 sitte you heare, why doe you not make your selfe redy to 
 horsebacke, that we may set forward with company ? Maister 
 Hobson replyed in this manner, I tarry (quoth he) for a good 
 cause. For what cause ? quoth his neighbour. Mary, quoth 
 Maister Hobson, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell 
 which is mine owne, and I know well, when every man is 
 ridden and gone, the horse that remaneth behind, must needs 
 be mine. 
 
 [17.] A Puritan coming to a Cheese mongers to buy 
 Cheese, when he gave him a tast, he put his hat before his 
 eyes, to say Grace ; Nay, says he, I see instead of tasting my 
 Cheese, you intend to make a meal of it. 
 
 2 c 
 
386; Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 The BEGGARS 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 IN THE JOVIAL CREW. 
 To an excellent New Tune.^ 
 
 [119.] There was a jovial Beggar, 
 he had a wooden Leg, 
 Lame from his Cradle, 
 
 and forced for to Beg ; 
 And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go, 
 And a Begging we will go. 
 
 A Bag for my Oatmeal, 
 
 another for my Salt, 
 A little pair of Crutches, 
 
 to see how I can halt ; 
 And a Begging, &fc 
 
 A Bag for my Bread, 
 
 another for my Cheese, 
 A little Dog to follow me, 
 
 to gather what I leese. 
 And a Begging 6-f 
 
 A Bag for my Wheat, 
 another for my Rye, 
 
 * For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 387 
 
 A little Bottle by my side, 
 to drink when I'm a dry. 
 And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go, 
 And a Begging we will go. 
 
 To Pimlico we'll go, 
 
 where merry we shall be. 
 With ev'ry Man, a Can in's hand, 
 
 and a Wench upon his knee. 
 And a Begging &=€ 
 
 Seven years I served 
 
 my old Master Wild, 
 Seven years I begged 
 
 whilst I was but a Child 
 And a begging dr'c 
 
 I had the pretty knack 
 
 for to wheedle and to cry. 
 By young and by old 
 
 much pitied e'er was I. 
 And a begging di^e 
 
 Fatherless and Motherless 
 
 still was my Complaint, 
 And none that ever saw me 
 
 but took me for a Saint. 
 And a begging &^c 
 
 I begg'd for my Master, 
 
 and got him store of Pelf, 
 But Jove now be praised, 
 
 I now beg for myself 
 And a begging dr'c 
 
 Within a hollow Tree 
 
 I Hve, and pay no Rent, 
 Providence provides for me, 
 
 and I am well content. 
 And a begging i^c 
 
388 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Of all occupations 
 
 a Beggar lives the best, 
 For when he is a weary, 
 
 he'll lie him down and rest. 
 And a begging &'c 
 
 I fear no Plots against me, 
 
 but live in open Cell ; 
 Why who woud be a King 
 
 when a Beggar lives so well ? 
 And a begging &>€. 
 
 Printed for R. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye-Corner. 
 
 [67.] A Company went to an Inne without money, when 
 ye reckoning was to be pay'd, one called his hostesse, asking 
 her what it was : she said two shillings. Then he askt her 
 what one should pay for bloodshed : she answered ten groats, 
 Then, said he, cut my finger and give me y= rest^ againe. 
 
 [52.] One Dromo, a certaine Tiler, sitting upon a ridge of 
 a House, laying on certaine roofe tiles, looking backe, and 
 reaching somewhat too far for a little morter, that lay by him, 
 fell backward and by good hap, fell upon a man that was 
 sitting under the house, whom with his fall he bruised to 
 death, but thereby saved his owne life. Not many dayes 
 after, a sonne of the dead mans, caused this man to be 
 apprehended for murther, and, having him before the Judge, 
 cried unto the Judge for justice : who asking the prisoner 
 what hee could say for himselfe, received this answer. Truly, 
 Sir, I never thought the man any hurt, neither did I thinke to 
 fall : but since it was my hap to hit upon him to save ray life, 
 if it please your Lordship, I am contented that he shall have 
 justice ; for my selfe, I had no malice to his father, though I 
 see he hath a great deale to me : but let him doe his worst, I 
 care not, I aske no favour : let him go up to the top of the 
 house where I sate, and I will sit where his father sate ; let 
 him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can, and fall upon 
 
 ^ ».«. give me the change. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century, 389 
 
 mee to save his life, I will bee contented. The Judge seeing 
 the mans innocency, and how farre he was from intent of any 
 evill to the man whom he had slaine, willed the complainant 
 to take this course for his contentment : which he refusing, 
 was dismissed the Court, and the Prisoner thus by his wity 
 answer released. 
 
 [no.] There was a certaine farmer that lost forty pounds 
 betwixt Cambridge and London, and being so great a summe, 
 he made proclamation in all market Townes there abouts, that 
 whosoever had found forty and five pounds, should have the 
 five pounds for his labour for finding it, and therefore he put 
 in the five pound more than was lost. It was Maister Hobsons 
 fortune to find the same sum of forty pounds, and brought the 
 same to the baylive of Ware & required the five pounds for 
 his paines, as it was proclaymed. When the country farmer 
 understood this, and that he must needs pay five pounds for 
 the finding, he sayd that there was in the purse five and forty 
 pounds, and so would hee have his owne mony and five 
 pounds over. So long they strove, that the matter was 
 brought before a Justice of the Peace, which was one Maister 
 Fleetwood, who after was Recorder of London ; but when 
 Maister Fleetwood understood by the bayleife that the pro- 
 clamation was made for a purse of five and forty pound, he 
 demanded where it was. Here, quoth the baylie, and gave it 
 him. Is it just forty pound? said Maister Fleetwood. Yes 
 truly, (quoth the bayleife) Here maister Hobson, sayd Ma. 
 Fleetwood, take you this mony for it is your owne, and if you 
 chance to find a purse of five and forty pound, bring it to this 
 honest farmer. That is mine, quoth the farmer, for I lost just 
 forty pound. You speake too late (quoth Maister Fleetwood). 
 Thus the farmer lost the mony, and maister Hobson had it 
 according to justice. 
 
 [67.] Mr. French the King's Fisher, beeing a Widower, 
 married a young woman, and shortly died, on whom one made 
 this distich. 
 
 By fish hee liv'd, by fish hee thriv'd, 
 He touched y* flesh, and so hee died. 
 
390 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [103.] An Alderman of Norwich, having a Maid servant 
 Married from his House, went two or three Years after to see 
 her, and ask'd (amongst other things) how many Children she 
 had? Truly Sir, says she, none. O Lord, replys he, what 
 should be the reason of that ? I don't know, says the Woman. 
 Alas ! adds the Old Fellow, now I rernember me, your Mother 
 had none. 
 
 [105.] After a while Sco^n came to London, hee married a 
 young woman, taking her for a maid, as other men doe. 
 At last he thought to prove his wife, and fained himselfe 
 sicke. Oh good wife, saies he, I will shew you a thing, and 
 if you will promise me to conceale it. She said, Sir, you may 
 tell mee what you will, I were worse than accursed, if I should 
 disclose your counsell : O wife, said Scogin, I had a great 
 pang to day in my sicknesse, for I did parbrake,^ and cast out 
 a Crow. A Crow ? said shee. Yea, said Sco^n, God helpe 
 me. Be of good comfort said she, you shall recover and doe 
 well. Well wife, said Scogin, goe to Church and pray for me : 
 shee went to the Church, and by & by one of her gossips met 
 with her and asked how her husband did. I wis,^ said she, a 
 sore sick man he is, and like to die, for there is an evill signe 
 and token in him. What is that. Gossip? said shee. Nay, 
 by gisse,^ I will not tell it to any man alive. What, said the 
 woman, you may tell me, for I will never bewray your 
 counsell. By gisse, said Scogin's wife, if I wist that you wold 
 keep my counsel, I wold tel you. Then said the woman, 
 whatsoever you doe tell, I will lay it dead under my feet. 
 Oh, said Scogins wife, my husband parbraked two Crowes. 
 Jesus, said the woman, I never heard of such a thing. This 
 woman as she did meet with another gossip of hers, shewed 
 that Scogin had parbraked three Crowes. So it went on from 
 one gossip to another, that ere Mattens were finished, all the 
 parish knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crowes. And 
 when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit, one came to 
 request him and all the Parish to pray for Scogin, for he had 
 parbraked twenty Crowes. The Priest blessed him and said 
 
 ' Or parbreak, to vomit. 2 Suppose or think. 
 
 5 An oath, a corruption oi Jesus. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 391 
 
 to the Parishioners, I doe pray you pray for Scogin, for he is 
 in perill of his life, and hath parbraked 2 1 Crowes. By and 
 by one went to Scogin, and said, Sir, is it as it is spoken in the 
 Church of you ? What is that, said Scogin. The Priest said 
 in the Pulpit that you parbraked 21 Crowes. Said Scogin, 
 what a lie is this ? By & by the bels were told for sacring, 
 and Scogin hied him to Church, lustily and merry, and when 
 the men and women did see him in the Church, they looked 
 upon one another, and marvelled of this matter. After Masse, 
 Scogin asked what were they that they should bring such a tale 
 upon him. At last the matter was so boulted out, that the 
 original of the cause began at Scogins wife. 
 
 t [17.] A poor Countrey Boy came up to London to be an 
 Apprentice to a Cobler, and seeing the Lord Mayors show, 
 and hearing that Sir Simon Eyre who formerly was Lord 
 Mayor, had been apprentice to a Shoemaker ; one said to him, 
 Is not this a brave show : I, says the Boy, His this we must all 
 come to. 
 
 [4.] A silly old fellow meeting his God son, ask'd whither 
 he was going ? To School, said the Boy : That's well, said 
 he, there's a Penny for you ; Be a good Boy, and mind your 
 Book, and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral 
 Sermon. 
 
 [94.] It was said by one, that a Hangman had a con- 
 templative Profession, because he was never at work, but he 
 was put in minde of his own end. 
 
 [94.] Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes, said one? 
 'Tis (replied another) because their Expences may not be too 
 great. 
 
 [67.] John Hall, beeing in a sheete (of printing, or writing) 
 called, Knavp, is said to have Carried it to -f Vice Ch. 
 (ancellor) Dr Gouch to complaine, who beeing walking in his 
 garden, 'and vexed that hee would trouble- him w* such a. 
 
392 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 frivolous matter, tare y' sheete & cast it abroad. John gathers 
 up all ye pieces : y' D' demanded why ? Hee answered, I 
 would bee loth to leave y= Knave in your worship's garden. 
 
 [94.] One commending a Taylor for his dexterity in his 
 Profession ; another standing by, ratified his opinion, saying, 
 Taylors had their business at their fingers ends. 
 
 The Bad -Husbands Folly 
 
 or 
 
 Poverty made known. 
 
 A Man may waste and spend away his store, 
 But if misery comes he has no help therefore, 
 This man that brought himself into decay, 
 Shews other Good fellows that they go not astray. 
 
 To the Tune of Come hither my own sweet Duck. 
 
 [120.] To all Good-Fellows now, 
 
 I mean to sing a Song, 
 I have wrought my own decay, 
 
 and have done myself great \\Tong : 
 In following the Ale-house, 
 
 I have spent away my store. 
 Bad Company did me undo. 
 
 but tie do so no m^re. 
 
 That man that haunts the Ale house, 
 and likewise the Drunken Crew, 
 
 Is in danger to dye a Beggar, 
 without any more ado ; 
 
 Would I might be an Example 
 to all Good fellows sure ; 
 Bad Company &>€ 
 
 I had a fair Estate of Land, 
 was worth forty pound a year. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 I sold and Mortgaged all that, 
 and spent it in strong Beer : 
 
 My wife and friends could not rule me, 
 until I did wax poor. 
 Bad Company &'c 
 
 I came unto my Hostis, 
 
 and called for Liquor apace. 
 
 She saw my money was plenty, 
 and she smiled in my face : 
 
 If I said fill a Flaggon, 
 
 they set two upon the score, 
 Bad Company &■€ 
 
 393 
 
 I ranted night and day, 
 
 and I let my Money flye. 
 While my wife was almost dead with grief 
 
 to hear her Children cry : 
 For they were almost starv'd and pin'd 
 
 they wanted food so sore. 
 Bad Company &•€ 
 
 At two a Clock i' th' morn 
 I would come Drunken home, 
 
 And if my wife spoke but a word, 
 I'de kick her about the Room ; 
 
394 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And domineer and swear, 
 and call her and . 
 
 Bad Company (s'c 
 
 Then I fell sick upon the same, 
 and lay three months and more, 
 
 But never an Alewife in the Town, 
 would come within my door : 
 
 But my poor wife was my best friend, 
 and stuck to me therefore. 
 Bad Company &•€ 
 
 My wife she sold her Petticoat, 
 and pawn'd her Wedding Ring, 
 
 To relieve me in my misery, 
 in any kind of thing : 
 
 was not I a woful man, 
 
 to waste and spend my store, 
 And let my wife 6^ children want at home 
 but Tie do so no more. 
 
 When I began to mend a little, 
 
 I walke to take the air, 
 And as I went along the Town, 
 
 I came by my Hostises door i 
 
 1 askt her for to trust me two-pence, 
 
 she denyed me the more, 
 The Money that I have spent with her, 
 but rie do so no more. 
 
 As soon as I get strength agen 
 
 i'le fall to work apace. 
 To maintain my wife and children, 
 
 for my Hostises are base : 
 I see who is a mans best friend, 
 
 if he be sick or poor. 
 Bad Company dfc 
 
 And when I do get money agen, 
 I'le learn for to be wise. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 395 
 
 And not believe that Drunken Crew, 
 
 that filled my ears with lyes : 
 And carry it home unto my wife 
 
 and of my Children take more care. 
 Bad Company &=€ 
 
 He runs a very long Race 
 
 that never turns again ; 
 And brings himself unto disgrace, 
 
 and has poverty for his pain ; 
 But now I will be careful sure, 
 
 and forgo the Ale-house door. 
 Bad Company &=€ 
 
 Now to conclude and make an end 
 
 what I have put in Rhime, 
 That all Good-fellows they may se 
 
 to mend their lives in time : 
 And learn for to be Thrifty, 
 
 to save something by in store. 
 Bad Company dr'c. 
 
 r Printed for I. Deacon, at the Angel in Guilt Spur street, 
 without Newgate. 
 
 [no.] There dwelled not farre from Maister Hobson, two 
 very ancient women, the youngest of them both was above 
 three score yeares of age, and uppon a time sitting at the 
 taverne together, they grew at varience which of them should 
 be the youngest (as women, indeede, desier to be accompted 
 younger than they be) in such manner that they layd a good 
 supper, of the valew of twenty shillings, for the truth thereof, 
 and Maister Hobson they agreed upon to be their Judge of the 
 difference. So after Maister Hobson had knowledge thereof, 
 the one came to him, and as a present gave him a very faire 
 pidgion pye, worth some five shillings, desiering him to passe 
 the vardet ^ of her side ; within a while after, the other came, 
 and gave Maister Hobson a very faire grayhound, which kind 
 of dogges he much delighted in : praying him likewise to be 
 favorable on her side, wherefore hee gave judgment that the 
 1 Verdict. 
 
39^ Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 woman that gave him the grayhound was the yonger, and so 
 she wonn the supper of twenty shillings, Which she perceiving, 
 came to him and sayd. Sir, I gave you a pidgion pie, and you 
 promised the verdit should goe on my side. To whome 
 Maister Hobson said, of a truth, good woman, there came a 
 grayhound into my house, and eate up the pidgion pye, and 
 so by that meanes I quite forgot thee. 
 
 [103.] A Soldier Quartering in Cambridge, often observ'd 
 a Young Country Wench that Sold Piggs a Market Days, 
 whereupon he went to her, and desir'd to see some of her 
 Pigs, she having several, he said, he would have one alive, so 
 she shewed him one that she had in a Bag. Well, Sweet 
 heart, said he, I live hard by, I will go and shew the Pig to 
 my Captain ; if he like it, you shall have three shillings for 
 it, but in the mean time I will leave the Money with you ; 
 thus having got the Pig tied up in the Bag, he went to his 
 Lodging, and put in a Dog in the Bag instead of it, and 
 returning quickly to the Damsel, said his Captain did not like 
 the Pig, and therefore she took the Bag without looking into 
 it, and gave him his Money again. Not long after came a 
 French man in haste to buy a Pig, and he not liking those 
 that were dead, would have a live One ; Sir, said she, I have 
 one of the same bigness alive, the Price of it is three Shillings, 
 I will not sell it a Farthing Cheaper ; well, said he, if you will 
 not, here is your Money, but how shall I carry it ? Why, for 
 a Groat you shall have the Poke and all. Poke, what is dat ? 
 said Monsieur. 'Tis a Bag. Is dat de Poke ? well here's a 
 Groat. Thus away he goes with his Bargain home, but when 
 he comes to look in the Poke, he see the Dog, O de diable, 
 (said he) is dis de Pig ? de Dible take me, if I do buy Pig in 
 de Poke agen. 
 
 The Brewer} 
 
 [121.] Of all the trades that ever I see, 
 
 Theres none to the Brewer compared may be ; 
 For so many several wayes works he. 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 ' A satire on Oliver Cromwell. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 397 
 
 A Brewer may put on a noble face, 
 And come to the wars with such a grace, 
 That he may obtain a Captains place ; 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 A Brewer may speak so learnedly well, 
 And raise such stories for to tell. 
 That he may be come a Colonel ; 
 Which ^r^c 
 
 A Brewer may be a Parliament man, 
 For so his knavery first began, 
 And work the most cunning plots he can ; 
 Which dfc 
 
 A Brewer may be so bold a Hector, 
 That when he has drunk a cup of Nectar 
 He may become a Lord Protector ; 
 WJiich 6^(r 
 
 A Brewer may do all these things, you see. 
 Without controul, nay he may be 
 Lord Chancellor of the University : 
 Which is'c 
 
 A Brewer may sit like a Fox in his cub. 
 And preach a Lecture out of a tub. 
 And give the world a wicked rub ; 
 Which &'c 
 
 But here remaines the strangest thing. 
 
 How he about his plots did bring. 
 
 That he should be Emperour above a King ; 
 
 Which no body can deny, deny ; 
 
 Which no body dares deny. 
 
 [17.] Two Gentlemen riding from Shipton to Burjord to- 
 gether, and seeing the Miller of Burford riding softly before 
 on his sacks, resolved to abuse him ; so one went on one side 
 of him, and t'other on the other, saying Miller, now tell us, 
 which art thou, more Knave or Fool ? Truly, says he, I know 
 not which I am most but I think / am between both. 
 
398 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [105.] On a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of 
 Bury, hee asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury. The 
 Cowheard said twenty miles. May I, said Scogin, ride thither 
 to night : yea, said the Cowheard, if you ride not too fast, and 
 also if you ride not a good pace, you will be wet ere you come 
 halfe waye there. As Scogin was riding on his way, he did see 
 a cloud arise that was blacke, and being afiraid to be wet, he 
 spurred his horse and did ride a great pace, and riding so fast, 
 his horse stumbled and strained his leg, and might not goe. 
 Scogin revolving in his mind the Cowheards words, did set 
 up his horse at a poore mans house, and returned to the Cow- 
 heard, supposing that he had beene a good Astronomer, because 
 hee said, if you ride not too fast, you may be at Bury tonight, 
 and alsoe if you doe not ride fast you shal be wet ere you 
 come there. Scogin said to the Cowheard, what shall I give 
 thee to tell mee, when I shall have raine or faire weather? 
 There goeth a bargain, said the Cowheard : what wilt thou 
 give me ? Scogin said. Twenty shillings. Nay, said the Cow- 
 heard, for forty Shillings I will tell you and teach you, but I 
 will be paid first. Hold the money, said Scogin. The Cow- 
 heard said. Sir, doe you see yonder Cow with the cut tail? 
 Yea, sard Scogin. Sir, said the Cowheard, when that she doth 
 begin to set up her rumpe, and draw to a hedge or bush, 
 within an houre after we shall have raine : therefore take the 
 Cow with you, and keepe her as I doe, and you shall ever be 
 sure to know when you shall have faire weather or foule. 
 Nay, said Scogin keepe thy Cow still, and give me twenty 
 shillings of my mony. That is of my gentlenes saith the Cow- 
 heard, howbeit you seeme to bee an honest man, there is 
 twenty Shillings. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 JOAN'S Ale is New;' or: 
 
 399 
 
 A new merry Medley, shewing the power, the 
 strengfth, the operation, and the vertue that remains in 
 good Ale, which is accounted the Mother -drink of 
 England. 
 
 All you that do this merry Ditty view, 
 Taste oi Joan's Ale, for it is strong and new. 
 
 To a pleasant New Northern Tune. 
 
 [122.] There was a jovial Tinker, 
 
 Which was a good Ale Drinker, 
 He never was a shrinker, 
 believe me this is true. 
 And he came from the wild ^ of Kent, 
 When all his money was gone and spent, 
 
 ^ For tune, see Appendix. 2 Weald. 
 
400 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Which made him like a Jack a Lent. 
 And Jones Ah is new. 
 And Jones Ale is new Boys, 
 And Jones Ale is new. 
 
 The Tinker he did settle, 
 Most like a man of Mettle, 
 And vow'd to pawn his Kettle, 
 
 now mark what did ensue. 
 His Neibors they flockt in apace. 
 To see Tom Tinker's comely face, 
 Where they drank soundly for a space. 
 Whilst Jones Ale Ss'c 
 
 The Cobler and the Broom-man, 
 
 Came next into the room man, 
 
 And said they would drink for boon man 
 
 let each one take his due. 
 But when good liquor they found, 
 They cast their caps upon the ground 
 And to the Tinker they drank round ; 
 Whilst Jones Ale &'c 
 
 The Rag man he being weary, 
 With the bundle he did carry, 
 He swore he would be merry, 
 and spend a shilling or two. 
 And he told his Hostis to her face. 
 The Chimney Corner was his place 
 And he began (to) drink apace. 
 And Jones Ale 6^c 
 
 The Pedler he grew nigher. 
 For it was his desire. 
 To throw the Rags i'th' fire, 
 and burn the bundle blew. 
 So whilst they drank whole flashes, 
 And threw about the Glasses, 
 The rags were burnt to ashes, 
 And Jones Ale &^c 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 401 
 
 I* 
 
 And then came in a Hatter, 
 To see what was the matter, 
 He scorned to drink cold water, 
 
 amongst that Jovial crew. 
 And like a man of courage stout, 
 He took the quart-pot by the snout, 
 And never left till all was out, 
 
 Jones Ale &>/: 
 
 The Taylor being nimble 
 
 With Bodkin, Shears, and Thimble, 
 
 He did no whit dessemble, 
 
 1 think his name was True 
 He said that he was like to choak. 
 And called so fast for lap and smoak. 
 Until he had pawned his Vinegar Cloake, 
 
 For Jones Ale &fc 
 
 Then came a pittiful Porter, 
 Which often did resort there, 
 Quoth he i'le shew some sport here, 
 
 amongst this jovial crew. 
 The Porter he had very bad luck, 
 Before that it was ten o'clock, 
 The fool got drunk and lost his frock, 
 
 For Junes Ale &'c. 
 
 The bony brave Shoomaker, 
 A brave Tobacco taker, 
 He scorned to be a Quaker 
 
 I think his name was Hugh. 
 He called for liquor in so fast. 
 Till he forgot his Awl and Last, 
 And up the reckonings he did cast. 
 Whilst Jones Ale &fc 
 
 And then came in the Weaver, 
 You never saw a braver. 
 With a Silk-man, and a Glover, 
 Tom Tinker for to view 
 
402 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 And so to welcome him to Town, 
 They every man spent half a crown, 
 And so the drink went merrily down, 
 For Jones Ale (s'c 
 
 Then came a drunken Dutchman, 
 And he would have a touch, man, 
 But he soon took too much, man, 
 
 which made them after rue. 
 He drank so long as I suppose, 
 Till greasie drops fell from his nose. 
 And like a beast befoul'd his hose, 
 
 Whilst Jones Ale (s'c 
 
 A Welshman he came next, Sir, 
 With joy and sorrow mixt Sir, 
 Who being partly vext Sir, 
 
 he out his dagger drew. 
 Cuts-plutter-a-nails, quoth Taffie then, 
 A Welshman is a Shentleman 
 Come Hostis fill's the other Can, 
 
 For Jones Ale Ss'c, , 
 
 Thus like to men of courage stout. 
 Courageously they drank about. 
 Till such time all the ale was out, 
 
 as I may say to you. 
 And when the business was done. 
 They every man departed home, 
 And promised Jone again to come, 
 
 when she had brew'd anew. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed for F. Coles. T. Vera. J. Wright, J. Clarke, 
 W. Thackeray and T. Passinger. 
 
 [17.] A Shoomaker thought to mock a Collier being black, 
 saying, What news from Hell ? how fares the Devil ? Faith, 
 says the Collier, he was just riding forth as I came thither, 
 and wanted nothing 6ut a Shoomaker to pluck on his boots. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 [I23-] 
 
 403 
 
 :'HE 5C OT^ HOLDING THEIK YOVNO^INGES N0.5X TOY GB INSTO 
 
 The date of this curious poHtical caricature is 14th July 
 1651. It must be remembered that Charles II. was crowned 
 at Scone on ist January 165 1, and this satire deals with the 
 behaviour of the Scots towards their young monarch. It is 
 too long to give t'n extenso, but the following will give a fair 
 idea of its tenor. Above the illustration are printed these 
 lines :— 
 
 Jockey. 
 
 Presbytor. 
 
 King. 
 
 '' I. Jockey turne the stone of all your plots, 
 For none turns faster than the turne-coat Scots 
 
 We for our ends did make thee King, be sure 
 Not to rule us, we will not that endure. 
 
 You deep dissemblers, I know what you doe, 
 And for revenges sake, I will dissemble too." 
 
404 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 On either side of the print is a long poem, of which I will 
 only give the commencement : — 
 
 " This Embleme needs no learned Exposition, 
 The World knows well enough the sad condition 
 Of Regall Power, and Prerogative 
 Dead, and dethron'd in England, now alive 
 In Scotland, where they seem to love the Lad, 
 If hee'l be more obsequious than his Dad. 
 And Act according to Kirk Principles, 
 More subtile than were Delphick Oracles. 
 For let him lye, dissemble, kill and slay, 
 Hee's a good Prince that will the Kirk obey,'' etc. etc 
 
 [no.] Upon a new yeares day Maister Hobson sitting at 
 dinner in a Poets Company, or one, as you may tearme him, a 
 writer of histories, there came a poore man and presented him 
 a cople of orringes, which hee kindly tooke as a new yeares 
 guift, and gave the poore man for the same, an angell of goold, 
 and there upon gave it to his wife to lay it up among his other 
 jewels, considering that it had likewise cost him an Angel, the 
 which she did. The Poet sitting by, and marking the bounty 
 of Ma. Hobson for so small a matter, he went home, and 
 devised a booke contayning forty sheets of paper, which was 
 halfe a yeare in writing, and came and gave it to Maister 
 Hobson in dedication, and thought in his mind, that he, in 
 recompencing the poore man so much for an orringe, would 
 yeeld far more recompence for his booke, being so long in 
 studying. Maister Hobson tooke the Poets booke thankfully, 
 and perseving he did it onely for his bounty shewed for the 
 orringe given him : willed his wife to fetch the said orringe, 
 which he gave to the Poet, being then almost rotten, saying, 
 here is a jewel which cost me a thousand times the worth in 
 gould, therefore I think thou art well satisfied for thy bookes 
 dedication : the poet seeing this, went his way all a shamed. 
 
 [26.] A deaf Man was selling Pears at the Towns end in 
 S* Gileses, and a Gentleman riding out o' th' Town, askt him 
 what 'twas a Clock ? He said Ten a Penny, Master : Then 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 405 
 
 he askt him agen what 'twas a Clock ? He told 'em indeed 
 he could afford no more. You Rogue, says he, I'll kick you 
 about the streets. Then says the man, Sir, if you won't, 
 another will. 
 
 [4.] A woman coming to a Parson, desir'd him to preach 
 a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead; the Parson 
 promised her to do it ; but she desiring to know the Price of 
 his Sermon ; he told her it was Twenty Shillings. Twenty 
 Shillings ! says she. An Ass spoke for an Angel, and won't 
 you speak under Twenty Shillings ? The Parson being a little 
 netled at her, told her she was better fed than taught. Sir, 
 says she, 'tis very true ; for my Husband feeds me, and You 
 teach me. 
 
 [93.] George {Peek) was at Bristow, and there staying 
 somewhat longer than his coyne -would last him, his Palfrey 
 that should bee his Carrier to London, his head was growne 
 so big, that he could not get him out of the stable ; it so 
 fortuned at that instant, certaine Players came to the Towne, 
 and lay at that Inne where George Peek was : to whom George 
 was well knowne, being in that time an excellent Poet, and 
 had acquaintance of most of the best Players in England ; 
 from the triviall sort hee was but so so ; of which these were, 
 only knew George by name, no otherwise. There was not 
 past three of the Companie come with the Carriage, the rest 
 were behinde, by reason of a long Journey they had ; so that 
 night they could not enact ; which George hearing, had pre- 
 sently a Stratageme in his head, to get his Horse free out of 
 the stable, and Money in his Purse to beare his charges up to 
 London. And thus it was : Hee goes directly to the Maior, 
 tels him he was a Scholler and a Gentleman, and that he had 
 a certaine Historie of the Knight of the Rodes ; and withall, 
 how Bristow was first founded, and by whom, and a briefe^ of 
 all those that before him had succeeded in Office in that 
 worshipfull Citie : desiring the Maior, that he, with his pre- 
 sence, and the rest of his Brethren, would grace his labors. 
 The Maior agreed to it, gave him leave, and withall appointed 
 1 A list or catalogue. 
 
4o6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 him a place : but for himselfe, hee could not be there, being in 
 the evening : but bade him make the best benefit he could of 
 the Citie ; and very liberally gave him an Angell, which George 
 thankfully receives, and about his businesse he goes, got his 
 Stage made, his Historey cryed, and hyred the Players Apparell, 
 to furnish out his Shew, promising to pay them liberally ; and 
 withall desired them they would favour him so much, as to 
 gather him his money at the doore ; (for hee thought it his 
 best course to imploy them, lest they should spie out his 
 knaverie ; for they have perillous heads.) They willingly 
 yeeld to doe him any kindnes that lyes in them ; in briefe, 
 carry their apparell in the Hall, place themselves at the doore, 
 where George in the meane time, with the tenne shillings he 
 had of the Maior, delivered his Horse out of Purgatorie, and 
 carries him to the Townes end, and there placeth him, to be 
 ready at his comming. By this time the Audience were 
 come, and some forty shillings gathered, which money George 
 put in his purse, and putting on one of the Players Silke 
 Robes, after the trumpet had sounded thrice, out he comes, 
 makes low obeysance, goes forward with his Prologue, which 
 was thus : 
 
 A trifling Toy, a Jest of no account, pardie. 
 
 The Knight, perhaps, you think for to bee I : 
 
 Think on so still ; for why, you know that thought is free. 
 
 Sit still a while, I'le send the Actors to ye. 
 
 Which being said, after some fire workes that hee had made of 
 purpose, threw out among them, and downe stayres goes he, 
 gets to his Horse, and so with fortie shillings to London; 
 leaves the Players to answer it ; who when the Jest was 
 knowne, their innocence excused them, beeing as well gulled 
 as the Maior and the Audience. 
 
 [82.] There was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at 
 the Tower Wharfe at London, where a Countryman passing 
 by, most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded 
 how old shee was. One made answer that she was a yeaie 
 old. Good Lord blesse me, said the Countryman, is shee so 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 407 
 
 big growne in one yeere, what a greatnesse will shee bee by the 
 time she comes to my age ? 
 
 [82.] Twelve SchoUers riding together, one of them said, 
 my masters, let us ride faster. Why? quoth another, methinks 
 wee ride a good pace, I'le warrant it is foure mile an hour. 
 Alas, said the first, what is foure mile an houre amongst us 
 all? 
 
 [17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems 
 did not bring home to his Shrewish Wife so much money as 
 she expected ; with that she flew about his ears, and did so 
 jole him ! Good wife, says he, be quiet, for I would willingly 
 wear my bands without cuffs, if you please. 
 
 [105.] On a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow, and two 
 or three of the Bishops servants being merrily disposed, consult 
 how they might have good cheere and pay no money, and 
 every one invented a way as they thought best. At last Scogin 
 said, I have invented a cleanly shift. At the signe of the 
 Crowne against Peter's Church, is a new Tapster, which ere 
 this hath not scene any of us, and "he is also purblind, so that 
 if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us. Therefore wee 
 will goe thither and make good cheere, and when we have a 
 reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all ; then will I say 
 to avoid the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and 
 we wil run round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first, 
 let him pay for all, and so we may escape away. Every man 
 liked Scogin's device best, so in conclusion they came thither, 
 and had good cheere, for they spared no cost : so that in the 
 end their reckoning drew to ten Shillings. Then as Scogin 
 had devised afore, they did. The Tapster was blinded, so 
 they ran round about him, and first Scogin got out, and then 
 another, so that at last they got all away, and left the tapster 
 groping in every place about the house for him that should 
 pay the shot. The master of the house being in a chamber 
 next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping 
 that they made, came in to see what they did, whom the 
 Tapster caught in his armes, saying. Sir, you must pay the 
 
40 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 reckoning. Marry, said his Master, so I thinke I must indeed, 
 for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his 
 Master sought and enquired for Scogin and the rest, but they 
 could neither find them, nor heare newes of them. 
 
 [94.] Hangmen practice their cunning for the most part 
 upon good natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive, 
 before the hurt be attempted. 
 
 [4.] A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his 
 Son play roguish Tricks, Why, Shrah, said he, did you ever 
 see me do so, when I was a Boy, as you are? 
 
 [4.] A Precise Fellow hearing much swearing in a Bowling 
 Green, said, For Shame Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great 
 mercy the Bowling Green doth not fall on your Heads. 
 
 jgicft anti ifrot!); 
 
 or 
 
 The Good-fellows Complaint for want of full 
 Measure. 
 
 Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tap- 
 sters, Ale Drapers ; and all the rest of the Society 
 of Drunkard Makers, by filling their drink in false 
 Flaggons, Pimping Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers ; 
 Rabbits, Jugs, and short Quarterns, To the Grand 
 Abuse of the Society of Good Fellowship. 
 
 Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching ; 
 Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching. 
 
 Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more. 
 
 [124.] All you y' are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall, 
 And Tapsters wherever you be, 
 Be sure you be ready to come at my call. 
 And your Knavery here you shall see. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 409 
 
 A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd, 
 To Challenge you out if you dare, 
 A very sharp Tryal you're like to find, 
 Although it be at your own Bar. 
 
 Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide, 
 But times are so wondrous hard. 
 That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd, 
 Of our Measure we have been debar'd. 
 
 But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves) 
 And lay you open to view. 
 It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves) 
 And tell you no more than is true. 
 
 -A 
 
 1 
 
 f\ 
 
 0^ 
 
 If A' 
 
 ■ d. 
 
 :l :! A 
 
 If in a cold Morning we chance to come. 
 
 And bid a Good Morrow, my Host, 
 
 And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots 
 
 Yet scarce will afford us a Toast. 
 
 For those y' drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here. 
 Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have. 
 Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part. 
 And y' makes my Hostis go brave. 
 
 But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use, 
 Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief. 
 For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose, 
 Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief. 
 
4 1 o Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on, 
 We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth, 
 Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink. 
 Far worser than North Country Cloth. 
 
 When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys, 
 The tickling Cans they run round. 
 Pray tak't in good part, for a Winchester Quart "^ 
 Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound. 
 
 Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs, 
 Are ready whene're you do call, 
 A P — take his Trade, such Measure that's made, 
 I wish that old Nick had them all. 
 
 When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel, 
 And call for some Nance^ of the best, 
 Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot. 
 For now they are all in request. 
 
 Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty, 
 But still they are all for the Pinch ; 
 Thus, every day they drive Custom away. 
 And force us good-Fellows to flinch, 
 
 Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay. 
 Though seldom he did it before ; 
 With Marlborough Cholke you his patience provoke. 
 Whenever he clears off his score. 
 
 The women likewise which are not precise. 
 
 But will take a Cup of the best, 
 
 Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure 
 
 Or else you shall have little rest. 
 
 There's Billings-gate Nan, all her whole gang. 
 Complaining for want of their due ; 
 True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar, 
 For they'l drink till their Noses look blew. 
 
 ^ A Winchester quart holds nearly half a gallon. 
 * Nantz brandy. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 411 
 
 A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast, 
 Of things that are out of their reach ; 
 So long as a Groat remains in the Coat, 
 They over good Liquor will preach. 
 
 In Shoo Makers Row there's true hearts you know, 
 But give them their Measure and weight, 
 The/l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur, 
 And Tope it from Morning till Night. 
 
 Then there'^ honest Smug y' with a full jug 
 Will set all his Brains in a float ; 
 But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots, 
 Will scarce quench y' spark in his Throat. 
 
 With many such Blades, of several Trades, 
 Which freely their Money will spend ; 
 But fill them good drink, they value not chink 
 Wherever they meet with a friend. 
 
 Most Trades in y= Nation gives their approbation, 
 How that you are much for to blame ; 
 Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses, 
 And fill up your Measure for shame. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 A Preachment on Malt. 
 
 [26.] Certain Townsmen of Frisal, returning from a merry 
 Meeting at a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, 
 who had lately made a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and 
 among other opprobrious words, called them Malt worms. 
 Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel 
 him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be Malt. The 
 Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them 
 in their cause, began his Sermon as foUoweth. 
 
 There is no preaching without Division, and this Text 
 cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one 
 word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. 
 It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found 
 
412 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 to be four, viz m. a. l. t. These letters represent four inter- 
 pretations, which Divines commonly do use thus. M. Moral, 
 A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological. 
 
 The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach 
 you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procur- 
 ing your attention to the Sermon ; Therefore M. Masters. A. 
 All. L. Listen T. To the Text 
 
 An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another 
 thing meant ; The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant 
 is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drun- 
 kards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat. A. 
 Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure. 
 
 The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of hereto- 
 fore, so it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. 
 L. Little. T. Thrift. 
 
 The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to 
 somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to 
 come ; the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt 
 produceth and worketh in some of you, viz M. Murther; in 
 others A. Adultery ; in all L. Loose living : in many T. Treason, 
 and that which hereafter foUoweth in this world, and in the 
 world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L. Lamentation. 
 T. Trouble. 
 
 I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade 
 you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the 
 danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no 
 hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly 
 telleth me, it is M. to A. that is a Thousand Pound to a Pot 
 of Ale you will never mend; because all Drunkards are L 
 Lewd. T. Thieves ; but yet for discharging my Conscience 
 and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my 
 Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. 
 Mend A. All; and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. 
 Masters, A. All, L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment. 
 
 By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains 
 that then were between Hawk and Buzzard,^ nearer sleeping 
 than waking, which the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leav- 
 ing them to take their nap. 
 
 ' In a doubtful condition. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 413 
 
 [82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of 
 an hundred Oysters ; his friend perswaded him not to buy 
 them, for they were too small. Too small, reply'd the Pren- 
 tice, there is not much losse in that, for I shall have the more 
 to the hundred. 
 
 [no.] Maister Hobson being still very good to poore and 
 most bountyfuU to aged people, there came to him usually 
 twice or thrice .a weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing 
 under his window, for the which he continually gave him- 
 twelve pence a time. Maister Hobson having one of his ser- 
 vants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he would suffer 
 the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his 
 benefit : the which the blind singing man was forst to give, 
 rather than loose all : after twice or thrice parting shares, 
 Maister Hobson had thereof intelligence, who consulting with 
 the blind man, served his servant in this maner; still he 
 looked for halfe whatsoever he got, so this at last was Maister 
 Hobsons guift, who gave commaundement that the blind man 
 should have for his singing three score Jeerkes with a good 
 whippe, and so to be equally parted as the other guifts were, 
 the which were presently given: the blinde mans were but 
 easie, but Master Hobsons mans were very sound ones, so 
 that every Jerke drewe blood ; after this he never sought to 
 deminish his masters bounty. 
 
 [4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign 
 was the Moon, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, 
 for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called 
 for a bottle of Sack ; whereupon the Drawer told them they 
 had none : At which, they, not a little admiring,^ as not know- 
 ing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them. 
 The Man in the Moon drinks Claret?' The Fancy of which 
 
 ^ Wondering. 
 ^ There was a roystering drinking song with that title, which is not 
 very scarce ; there is one in the Roxburghe Ballads. '^' °°' ^' ' 
 
 " Our man in the moon drinks Clarret, 
 With powder-beef, turnep, and carret ; 
 If he doth so, why should not you 
 Drink until tlie sky looks blew?" 
 
4 1 4 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 pleased them so that they said they were resolved to be 
 sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their 
 Brothers Health in the Moon. 
 
 [93.] George (Peele) once had invited halfe a score of his 
 friends to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no 
 cheere wanting, wine enough, musicke playing : the night 
 growing on, & being upon departure, they call for a reckon- 
 ing. George swears there is not a penny for them to pay. 
 They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes would yeeld 
 unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne 
 shillings, some five, some more : protesting something they 
 will pay. Well, quoth George, taking up all the money ; seeing 
 you will be so wilfull you shall see what shall follow : he com- 
 mands the musicke to play, and while they were skipping and 
 dancing, George gets his Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hy- 
 pocrist, and leaves them and the reckoning to pay. They 
 wondring at the stay of George, meant to be gone : but they 
 were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to pay 
 the reckoning anew. 
 
 [26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set 
 up an Ale house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did 
 discredit himself so much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and • 
 Ale ? He told him the chief reason was because he lov'd a 
 Countryman better than a stranger ; for Beer and Ale are my 
 Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger : but the Gentleman told 
 him he did not well, for he must make much of any Stranger 
 that comes within his gates : So will I that, says he, when I 
 get it within my gates agen ; I'll make more of it than I did ; 
 nay much more, because I would not break the Command. 
 
 [105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French 
 Lords, and hee gave unto Peter Achadus {Scogins chamber 
 fellow) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in 
 Feasant, Partridge, Plover, Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such 
 other : and because Scogins chamber fellow had great business 
 to do, he wrote all such things as he would have bought in a 
 bill, and desired Scogin to bestow the money, who was well 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 4 1 5 
 
 contented. When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his 
 mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the 
 money to himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in Paris, 
 and said, sir, it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding 
 doth feast a great many of his friends, and I must have so 
 many of every sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, 
 therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the Bill be 
 prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch 
 them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid 
 out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde 
 money, then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter, 
 and asked if everything were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, 
 and here' is your bill reasonably prized. Then said Scogin, 
 let somebody goe with me for to receive your money : the 
 Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. Scogin went to St. 
 Peter's Church, where there was a Priest that had on his Albe, 
 and was ready to goe to Masse : Scogin went to the Priest, 
 and said. Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded 
 that her Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought 
 her to you, to the intent you should perswade her. The 
 Priest said he would doe what he could. I thanke you, 
 said Scogin. Then Scogin came to the woman, and said, 
 if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear 
 what he doth say. Then Scogin came to the Priest, and said 
 Master, here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse 
 is done? Yea, said the Priest. Then said Scogin to the 
 woman, you heare what my master doth say, therefore I pray 
 you send me by some token, whereby I may receive the wares. 
 The woman sent him by a true token, and then Scogin did 
 hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the 
 Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber : when masse 
 was done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and 
 asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her 
 head ? Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to reason of 
 such matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that 
 I were gone : Wherefore ? said the Priest. The woman said, 
 for wares that your man hath received. What man ? said the 
 Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The 
 Priest said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that 
 
4 1 6 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be 
 your head. What, master Abbot, said the woman, you shal 
 not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8 shillings of you 
 for wares that your man hath received, for you promised to 
 pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the 
 Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, 
 nor I promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I 
 would perswade you to obey your Husband, who ought to 
 be your head, and so the Priest went his way. The woman 
 perceiving that shea was deceived, went home to see if Scogin 
 had received the ware, and he had received them, and was 
 gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband 
 sought for Scogin, but they could not find him. 
 
 [17.] A Citizen having married a Cockney, and he taking 
 her with him into the Country, to see his Friends, as they 
 were riding spyed a Willow tree on which abundance of Wants 
 or Moles were hung : O dear, says she. Husband, look what 
 a fine Tree here is ; I never knew how they grew till now ; 
 for it is a Black Pudding tree. 
 
 [82.] A man was very angry with his maid, because his 
 eggs were boyled too hard ; truly, said she, I have made them 
 boyle a long houre, but the next you have, shall boyle two 
 houres but they shall be tender enough. 
 
 [26.] A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing 
 through the Street, and seeing all a Bed, and no Candle in 
 any Window neither ; then bethought himself of this project ; 
 for then he went up and down crying Fire, Fire, which made 
 several come to the Windows : They askt him where ? where? 
 He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he would 
 go to't to warm himself; For, says he, I am devilish cold. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 417 
 
 The Country -mans new care away. 
 
 To the Tune of, Love will find out the way. 
 
 [125.] If there were imployments 
 
 for men, as have beene, 
 And Drummes, Pikes and Muskets 
 
 in th' field to be seene, 
 And every worthy Souldier 
 
 had truely their pay, 
 Then might they be bolder 
 
 to sing, Care away. 
 
 If there were no Rooking, 
 
 but plaine dealing used, 
 If honest Religion 
 
 were no wayes abused, 
 If pride in the Country 
 
 did not beare sway, 
 The Poore and the Gentry 
 
 might sing. Care away. 
 
 If Farmers consider'd 
 the dearenesse of graine, 
 2 E 
 
4 1 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 How honest poore Tradesmen 
 their charge should maintaine, 
 
 And would bate the price on't 
 to sing, Care away 
 
 We should not be nice on't 
 of what we did pay. 
 
 If poore Tenants, Landlords 
 
 would not racke their rents, 
 Which oft is the cause of 
 
 their great discontents. 
 If, againe, good house-keeping 
 
 in th' Land did beare sway, 
 The poore that sits weeping 
 
 might sing, Care away. 
 
 If Spendthrifts were careful! 
 
 and would leave their follies, 
 Ebriety hating 
 
 Cards, Dice, Bowling- Alleyes, 
 Or with wantons to dally 
 
 by night or by day. 
 Their wives might be merry, 
 
 and sing, Care away. 
 
 If Children to Parents 
 
 would dutifull be, 
 If Servants with Masters 
 
 would deale faithfully. 
 If Gallants poore Tradesmen 
 
 would honestly pay, 
 Then might they have Comfort 
 
 to sing, Care away. 
 
 There is no contentment 
 
 to a conscience that's cleare, 
 That man is most wretched 
 a bad mind doth beare, 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 419 
 
 To wrong his poore Neighbour 
 
 by night or by day, 
 He wants the true comfort 
 
 to sing, Care away. 
 
 But he that is ready 
 
 by goodnesse to labour, 
 In what he is able 
 
 to helpe his poore Neighbour, 
 The Lord will ever blesse him 
 
 by night and by day, 
 AU ioyes shall possesse him 
 
 to sing. Care away. 
 
 Would wives with their husbands, 
 
 and husbands with wives 
 In love and true friendship 
 
 would so lead their lives. 
 As best might be pleasing 
 
 to God night and day. 
 Then they with hearts easing 
 
 might sing, Care away. 
 
 No crosse can be greater 
 
 unto a good mind. 
 Than a man to be matched 
 
 with a woman unkind. 
 Whose tongue is never quiet 
 
 but scolds night and day. 
 That man wants the comfort 
 
 to sing, Care away. 
 
 A Vertuous woman 
 
 a husband that hath. 
 That's given unto lewdnesse, 
 
 to envy and wrath, 
 Who after wicked women 
 
 does hunt for his prey, 
 That woman wants comfort 
 
 to sing. Care away. 
 
420 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 Like true subiects loyall, 
 
 to God let us pray, 
 Our good king so Royall, 
 
 to preserve night and day : 
 With the Queen, Prince and Nobles, 
 
 the Lord blesse them aye. 
 Then may we have comfort 
 
 to sing, Care away. 
 
 [82.] There was a lusty young SchoUer preferred to a 
 Benefice in the Country, and commonly on Sundayes and 
 holy dayes after evening prayer hee would have a dozen bouts 
 at cudgels with the sturdiest youths in his parish : The Bishop 
 of the Diocesse hearing of it, sent for the parson, telling him 
 this beseemed not his profession and gravity, and if that he 
 did not desist from that unmeet kind of exercise, hee would 
 unbenefice him. Good my Lord, (said the Parson) I beseech 
 you to conceive rightly of mee, and I doubt not but my 
 playing at cudgels will be counted toUerable ; for I doe it of 
 purpose to edifie the ruder sort of my people. How so, said 
 the Bishop. Marry, my Lord, (quoth the Parson) whatsoever 
 I do teach them at morning and evening prayer, I doe beat 
 soundly into their heads with cudgels afterward, for their better 
 remembrance. 
 
 [94.] He that buys a Horse in Smithfield, and does not 
 look upon him with a pair of Spectacles, before he buys him, 
 makes his Horse and himself a pair of sorrowful Spectacles for 
 others to look at. 
 
 [no.] Upon a time Maister Hobson lying in saint Albones, 
 there came certaine musitions to play at his chamber doore, 
 to the intent as they filled his eares with their musicke, he 
 should fil their purses with mony : whereupon he bad one of 
 the servants of the Inne (that waited upon him) to goe and 
 tell them that hee could not then indure to heare their musicke 
 for he mourned for the death of his mother, so the musitians 
 disapoynted of their purpose went sadly all away. The fellow 
 heard him speake of mourning, asked him how long agoe it is 
 since he buried his mother ; truely (quoth maister Hobsoti) it 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 421 
 
 is now very neare forty yeares agoe. The fellow understanding 
 his subtilty, and how wittily he sent away the musitians, 
 laughed very hartely. 
 
 [52.] On a Winters evening a Country husband man went 
 to fetch his wives kine home to milk, and driving them into 
 the back side, hee forgot to shut the gate, and hee comes into 
 the house, sits him down by the fire side. The kine finding 
 the gate open, ranne trotting and lowing downe the durty lane, 
 toward the field, and the mans daughter looking forth at the 
 doore and seeing them, cries out to her mother, Faith my 
 father is a fine man, I think the kine are gone to the devill, 
 shall I goe after them ? No (quoth her mother) daughter, you 
 are too forward : Let your father goe, he's fitter, he has his 
 hie shoone on. 
 
 A Song. 
 
 [121.] Sir Francis, Sir Francis, Sir Francis his Son, 
 Sir Robert and eke Sir William did come, 
 And eke the good Earl of Southampton 
 March't on his way most gallantly ; 
 And then the Queen began to speak, 
 Youre welcome home Sir Francis Drake. 
 Then came my Lord Chamberlain,and with his white stafFe, 
 And all the people began for to laugh. 
 
 The Queen's Speech. — 
 Gallants all of British bloud, 
 Why do ye not saile on th' Ocean flood ? 
 I protest ye'are not all worth a Philberd 
 Compared with Sir Humphrey Gilberd. 
 
 The Queen's Reason. 
 For he walkt forth in a rainy day, 
 To the new-found Land he took his way. 
 With many a gallant fresh and green ; 
 He never came home agen.^ God bless the Queen. 
 
 1 Sir Humphrey Gilbert was half-brother to Sir Walter Raleigh, and 
 was a famous navigator of Elizabeth's reign. In 1583 he took possession 
 of Newfoundland, but his ship foundered on the voyage home, gth 
 September 1584. 
 
42 2 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 [82.] A Justice of the Peace was very angry with a country 
 yeoman, because hee came not to him at his first sending for 
 him ; and after he had bountifully bestowed two or three 
 dozen of knaves upon him, hee said to him. Sirrah, I will 
 make you know that the proudest knave that dwels under my 
 command shall come before mee when I send for him. I 
 beseech your worship said the man, to pardon mee, for I was 
 afraid : afraid of what ? said the Justice. Of your worship 
 answered the fellow. Of mee ? said the Justice, why wast 
 thou afraid of mee ? Because your worship lookes so like a 
 Lyon, said the man. A Lyon ? quoth the Justice, when didst 
 thou see a Lyon? May it please your worship (the fellow 
 replyde) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to Cokbrooke 
 market, with a white face and his foure legs bound. 
 
 This fellow was a knave, or foole, or both. 
 Or else his wit was of but slender growth : 
 He gave the white fac'd Calfe the Lyons stile, 
 The Justice was a proper man the while. 
 
 [4.] One that was Born in the Parish of S' Giles Cripple- 
 gate said : When I dye, I'll be Buried in Cripple Church Yard, 
 an't please God I live. 
 
 [26.] A Notable Fellow, that, as 'tis said would not be 
 drunk above seven days in the week ; and when he was 
 drunk was so besotted that he knew not what he did. Once 
 his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch him home, and 
 when he found him out, he found him reeling ripe also. And 
 as they came down Ludgate Hill, in a Moon-shiny night, saw 
 the reflection of the Bell-Savage sign post upon the ground, 
 and it seems took it for a Block, and went to lift his Leg over 
 it, his Prentice having him by the Arm for his supporter, askt 
 what he meant by that ? Why, says he, to go over this Block 
 He told him 'twas not a Block. What is it then ? says he, 
 'Tis a Sign, says the Boy. What Sign, I prithee? Why 
 Master 'tis a Sign you are drunk. 
 
 [17.] One who was deep in debt, and forced to keep within 
 all day for fear of Serjeants and Bailiffs would yet at night 
 
-^ of the Seventeenth Century. 423 
 
 adventure abroad in some back Lanes and Alleys. Passing 
 one night through the Butchers Shambles, going in hast, one 
 of the Tenter Hooks catcht hold of his cloak. He thinking it 
 had been a Serjeant which had thus shoulder clapt him, 
 looking back, said. At whose Suit I pray you 1 
 
 [105.] When Scogin should ride home againe, his bootes 
 were nought, and hee could not tell what shift to make. At 
 last he devised what he might doe : whereupon he sent his 
 man for a shoo-maker to bring him a paire of Bootes. The 
 shoo-maker brought the bootes, and when hee had pulled on 
 the right foot boote, and was pulling on the other boot, Scogin 
 said, it was marvellous strait, and that it did pinch his leg : 
 wherefore hee prayed him to carry it home, and set it on the 
 laste an houre or two : for (quoth he) I have a thing to write 
 that will hold mee two houres, and all that time I will sit and 
 write, & keepe this other boote on my leg still untill that be 
 ready. The shoemaker tooke the boot and went home, as 
 Scogin had bidden him. When the shoo maker was gone, hee 
 sent his man for another shoo maker, and caused one to pull 
 off the boot which the first shoo maker had pulled on. When 
 the other shoo maker was come, Scogin caused him to pull on 
 the left boot, and when hee was pulling on the right foot boot, 
 Scogin found fault with it, as he did with the first shoo maker, 
 and sent him away in like sort. When he was gone, hee 
 caused his man to make ready their horses, and hee pulled on 
 the boot againe, which the first shoo maker had left behinde 
 him, and so he rode away with the two bootes of two shoo 
 makers : shortly after, the shoomakers came and enquired for 
 Scogin, but hee and his man were gone, almost an houre 
 before. 
 
 [82.] Two Playsterers being at worke for mee at my house 
 in Southwarke, did many times patch and dawbe out part of 
 their dayes labour with prating, which I, being digging in my 
 garden did over heare that their chat was of their wives, and 
 how that if I were able (quoth one) iny wife should ride in 
 pompe through London, as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday. 
 Why, quoth the other, how did shee ride I pray? Marry, 
 
424 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 said hee, in state, in her Horslitter. O base, quoth the other, 
 Horslitter : I protest as poore a man as I am, I would have 
 allowed my wife a three-peny trusse of cleane Straw. 
 
 [26.] Henry Martin the great Rumper, for you know all 
 Martins are Birds, and he being so, flew so high before; but 
 after the King's most happy Restauration, was brought so low, 
 as to kneel at the Bar of the Lord's House; though 'tis 
 thought he never came into the Lords House before, unless it 
 were to see a handsome Girl there. But at the Lords Bar he 
 was askt what he could say, that Judgment should not pass 
 upon him ? My Lords, says he, I understood that the King's 
 Proclamation extended to favour of life, upon rendring myself, 
 which I then did. And, withal, my Lords, I do let you to 
 know, and I do ingeniously confess it, that I never obey'd any 
 of his Majesty's Proclamations before, but this ; and I hope I 
 shall not be hang'd for taking the King's word now. 
 
 [94.] One sitting by the Fire to take Tobacco, said the Fire 
 was his friend, and presently spit into it : To which one replied, 
 You do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his 
 face. 
 
 The Jo VI all Crew/ 
 
 Beggars-Bush. 
 
 In wfhich a Mad Maunder doth vapour and swagger 
 
 With praiseing the Trade of a bonney bold Beggar. 
 
 To the tune of, From hunger and Cold. 
 
 [126.] A Beggar, a Beggar, 
 
 A Beggar I'le be. 
 There's none leads a Life so jocond as hee ; 
 A Beggar I was, 
 And a Beggar I am, 
 A Beggar I'le be, from a Beggar I came : , 
 
 1 For tune, see Appendix. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 
 
 425 
 
 If (as it begins) our Trading do fall, 
 
 I fear (at the last) we shall be Beggars all. 
 
 Our Tradesmen miscarry in all their affayrs 
 
 And few men grow wealthy, but Courtiers and Players. 
 
 A Graver my father, 
 
 A Maunder my mother, 
 A Filer my sister, a Filcher my brother, 
 
 A Canter my Unckle, 
 
 That cared not for Pelfe, 
 A Lifter my aunt, a Beggar myselfe. 
 
 In white wheaten straw, when their bellies were full. 
 Then I was begot, between Tinker and Trul. 
 And therefore a Beggar, a Beggar Pie be, 
 For none hath a spirit so jocond as he. 
 
 When Boyes do come to us, 
 
 And that their intent is 
 To follow our Calling, we nere bind them Prentice, 
 
 Soon as they come too't. 
 
 We teach them to doo't. 
 And give them a Staff and a Wallet to boot. 
 We teach them their Lingua, to Crave and to Cant, 
 The devil is in them if then they can want. 
 If any are here that Beggars will bee, 
 We without Indentures will make them free. 
 
426 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 We begg for our bread, 
 
 But sometimes it happens 
 We feast with Pigg, Pullet, Conny and Capons 
 
 For Churche's affairs 
 
 We are no Man-slayers 
 We have no religion, yet live by our prayers. 
 But if when we begg, Men will not draw their purses, 
 We charge and give fire, with a volley of curses, 
 The Devil confound your good Worship we cry, 
 And such a bold brazenfaced Beggar am I. 
 
 London. Printed for W. Thackeray, T. Passenger, and 
 W. Whitwood. 
 
 [82.] A Justice of the Peace committed a fellow to prison, 
 and commanded him away three or foure times, but stil the 
 fellow intreated him. Sirrah, (said the Justice) must I bid you 
 bee gone so many times, and will you not goe ? The felloW' 
 answered. Sir, if your worship had bidden mee to dinner or 
 supper, I should in my poore manners not to have taken your 
 offer under two or three biddings ; therefore I pray you blame 
 me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison. 
 
 [26.] King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in 
 Oxfordshire, the King, finding it to rain so one morning that 
 he could not ride a hunting, had got some Nobility and Gentry 
 together, resolving to be merry. And one humour was, that 
 the King having that morning a fine curvetting Horse given 
 him, which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his life, told them 
 that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse. 
 So one told one lie, and another, another : and several had 
 told others, that there was great laughing; and just in the 
 midst of this mirth in comes a Country Fellow, complaining 
 to the King that some of his Servants had wrong'd him : Well, 
 well, says the King, we'll hear you of that anon ; come, come 
 hither amongst us, and you must know that he that can tell 
 the greatest lie shall have that horse. Truly Sir, says he, an't 
 please your Grace, I never told a lie in all my life. With 
 that says the King, Give him the Horse, give him the Horse, 
 for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day. 
 
of the Seventeenth Centtiry. 427 
 
 [94.] A yong lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not 
 with his credit sell anything ; yet his father being but lately 
 dead, at length was checkt by some of his friends for his loose 
 and extravagant life, and withal told him he had base and 
 beastly Associates that did draw him to ill houses. He, taking 
 this opportunity, answered, Truly, Friends, your Counsel is 
 very good, I will presently go sell my Coach and Horses. 
 
 [17.] One being desired to eat some Oysters, refused, saying 
 they were ungodly meat, unchristianly meat, uncharitable meat, 
 and unprofitable meat. And being demanded his reason why 
 he said it, he answered, They were ungodly meat, because they 
 were eaten without saying of Grace ; unchristianly meat because 
 the Creature was eaten alive ; uncharitable meat, because they 
 left no offal to the poor, and unprofitable meat, because most 
 commonly there was more spent upon them than the Oysters 
 cost. 
 
 [no.] Maister Hobson, and another of his neighbours, on a 
 time walking to Southwarke faire, by chance drunke in a house 
 which had the signe of Sa. Christopher, of the which signe the 
 good man of the house gave this commendation ; Saint 
 Christopher (quoth he) when hee lived upon the earth bore the 
 greatest burden that ever was, which was this, he bore Christ 
 over a river. Nay there was one (quoth maister Hobson) that 
 bore a greater burden ; Who was that (quoth the in keeper). 
 Mary, quoth Maister Hobson, the asse that bore both him and 
 his mother: so was the Inne keeper called asse by Craft. 
 After this, talking merely together, the aforsaid Inne keeper 
 being a little whitled ^ with drinke, & his head so giddy that he 
 fell into the fire, people standing by, ran sodainely and tooke 
 him up ; oh let him alone (quoth Maist. Hobson) a man may 
 doe what he will in his owne house, and lie where so ever he 
 listeth. The man having little hurt, with this sight grew 
 immediately sober, and, after, foxed Maister Hobson and his 
 neighbour so mightely, that comming over London bridge, 
 being very late, ranne against one of the posts, which Maister 
 Hobson thinking it to bee some man that had justled him, drew 
 1 Intoxicated. 
 
42 8 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 out his dodgion ^ dagger, and thrust it up into the very hilt 
 into the hollow post ; whereupon verely hee had thought hee 
 had kil'd some man : so, running away, was taken by the 
 watch, and so all the Jest was discovered. 
 
 [52.] A mad fellow newly married, had onely one young 
 child by his wife, of some quarter old, whom he dearly and 
 tenderly loved, but he was much given to good fellowship, and 
 she altogether addicted to sparing, & good huswifery: still 
 he used to come merry home from the taverne from his boone 
 companions, to her great griefe, she being as sparing of her 
 purse, as prodigall of her tongue, for she was little better than 
 a Scold, would oft upbraid him with his expences of money, 
 and time, and to be so often drunke was prejudiciall both to 
 his estate and bodily health, and that it were far better to spend 
 that at home in his house than in a Taverne ; with such Matron 
 like speeches, always concluding her exhortations with a vow 
 that if ever he came home again in the like pickle she would 
 (happen what would come) fling the Child into the Moat (for 
 the house was moted round.) It happned shortly after, that 
 he revelling till late in a cold frosty Winter evening, she having 
 intelligence by her scouts where hee was, made no doubt hee 
 would come home flustred. She commands the Infant to 
 bee convaied to the farther part of the house, and to wrap the 
 Cat in the blankets, put it in the Cradle, and there sit and 
 rocke it. Presently comes her Husband, she fals to her old 
 lesson of quarrelling with him, and hee with her, ill words begot 
 worse, much lewd language past betwixt them. The woman 
 suddenly steps to the Cradle (having spied her advantage ;) I 
 have long threatned thee a mischiefe, and that revenge I cannot 
 worke on thee (come doggs, come devills) I will inflict on thy 
 Brat in the Cradle ; instantly snatched it up in her armes, and 
 ran with it to the Moat side, and flings it into the middle of 
 the water : the poore man much affrighted, leaves to pursue 
 her, and leaps into the water, up in mud and water to the very 
 chinne, crying. Save, oh save the child. Now waded he in the 
 Moat in a very bitter cold frost, till he brought out the Mantle, 
 and with much paine and danger comes to the shore, and still 
 ' A dudgeon dagger was one having a boxwood handle. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 429 
 
 crying, Alas, my poore childe, opened the Cloathes : At length 
 the frighted Cat cryed Mew, and being at liberty leapt from 
 betwixt his armes, and ranne away. The husband both amazed 
 and vexed, the woman heartily laughed at her revenge, and the 
 poore man was glad to reconcile the difference before she 
 would either give him fire or dry linnen. 
 
 [26.] A dear and Loving wife, that always bore a great 
 respect to her Husband, both in Sickness and in Health, and 
 now did make it appear to the very last. For when her dear 
 Husband was, in Essex, condemned to die, for a small matter 
 God knows, that is only for stealing four or five Horses, and 
 breaking up as many Houses ; so this sweet loving Soul his 
 wife, hearing where he was, came and gave him a visit. Wife, 
 says he, you see what I am come to now, prithee pray for me, 
 and have a care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. 
 Husband, says she, as soon as I heard of it, you see I came 
 to you, and as you know I have always been loving to you, you 
 shall now find it at the last. Pray Husband, tell me, are we 
 to be at the charge ,of a Rope, or they, for I would have all 
 things ready to do you a kindness ; for here I have brought 
 one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie, And so left the Rope 
 with him. Well, wife, says he, I thank you heartily, and pray 
 go home, and look after the Children. No, Husband, says 
 she, I have not come so far, but a Grace a God I'll see you 
 hang'd before I go. 
 
 [17.] A Countrey man passing by S' Pauls Church, at such 
 time as it was tum'd from a House of Prayer, to be a den of 
 Thieves ; I mean, an unsanctified Guard of Souldiers : He 
 seeing what manner of Cattle inhabited it, asked a Shopkeeper 
 hard by, If that place were Noah's Ark? Being asked the 
 reason of his demand, Because, said he, I see so many unclean 
 beasts therein. 
 
 [105.] When Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelve 
 miles on their way, hee overtooke a Priest that was riding to 
 London, to pay his first fruits, with whom he kept company 
 untill he came to Stamford, and all that way as they rode, 
 Scogin made the Priest very good cheere, and would let him 
 
43° Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 pay no money, so that Scogin had but two shillings left : and 
 riding betweene Stamford & Huntington, Scogin complayned" 
 him to the Parson in this sort : I marvell master Parson (quoth 
 he) how men doe when they want money, to get it ? For when 
 I want money, I know not how to get any, except I should 
 steale. No, no, said the Priest, doe you not know that they 
 that serve God well, doe not want, and how that God promiseth, 
 that if you call upon him in your afflictions, that hee will helpe 
 you? You say well, master Parson, said Scogin, and rode 
 before ; and when hee saw a faire place, hee kneeled downe 
 and lifted up his hands, and prayed to God, till Master 
 Parson and his man did overtake him, but nothing hee could 
 get. When they were come, hee told them he prayed, but 
 could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once againe, and 
 then if I can get nothing, both you, Master Parson and my 
 man shall helpe me to pray, for I doe not doubt but God will 
 helpe something, when hee heareth all our prayers. And then 
 Scogin did ride before againe, and when hee saw his place 
 convenient, hee alighted him from his horse and tied him to a 
 tree, and kneeled downe, and prayed as hee had done before, 
 until such time as they came to him. Then, said the Parson, 
 How do you now. Master Scogin ? By my troth, said he, I 
 can get nothing ; wherefore, alight, sirra, quoth he to his man, 
 and tie your horse to yonder tree, and then hee went to the 
 Parson, and took his horse by the bridle, and 'told him hee 
 must need,es helpe him to pray. The Parson for feare durst 
 not say him nay, but alighted, and tooke his capcase^ from the 
 saddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his 
 man how much money hee had in his purse ? He sayd, twenty 
 pence. By my troth, said Scogin, and I have but two shillings, 
 and how much have you Master Parson? said hee. The 
 Parson thought that if he had told him all, hee would surely 
 have borrowed a good part of it, and he said, five pounds. 
 Well, let us pray hartily, said Scogin, and then they kneeled 
 downe, and prayed for the space of halfe an houre ; and Scogin 
 said, let us see whether God have heard our request, or no. 
 And then, he looked in his own purse, where was but two 
 shillings, and then he looked in his man's purse, where was 
 ' A small leather travelling case. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 431 
 
 but twenty pence. Then Scogin came to the Parson, and said, 
 Now Master Parson, let us see what you have, for I doe not 
 doubt but God hath heard our prayers ; and tooke the Priests 
 capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty Pounds in 
 it, which the Parson should have paid for his first fruits. Then 
 Scogin spread his cloake abroad, and poured out the money, 
 and when hee had told it, hee said. By Lady, Master Parson, 
 God hath heard our prayer; and then hee gave him five 
 pounds, and said. Master Parson, here is the five pound that 
 thou had before wee began to pray, and the rest we will have ; 
 for I see that you are so well acquainted with God, that with 
 praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more : and this 
 will doe us great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for you 
 to pray halfe an houre. The Parson desired Scogin to let him 
 have the rest of the money, for hee said that hee did ride to 
 London to pay his first fruits. Well, said Scogin, then you 
 must pray againe, for wee will have this, and so they rode 
 away, and left the Priest behind them ; and the Priest was 
 faine to ride home againe for more money. 
 
 [82.] In Queene Elizabeths dayes there was a fellow that 
 wore a brooch in his hat, Uke a tooth drawer, with a Rose and 
 Crowne and two letters : this fellow had a warrant from the 
 Lord Chamberlaine at that time to travell with an exceeding 
 brave Ape which hee had ; whereby hee gat his living from time 
 to time at markets and fayres : his Ape did alwayes ride upon 
 a mastiffe dog, and a man with a drum to attend him. It 
 happened that these foure travellers came to a towne called 
 Looe in Cornwall, where the Inne being taken, the drum went 
 about to signifie to the people that at such an Inne was an 
 Ape of singular vertue and quality, if they pleased to bestow 
 their time and money to see him. Now the townsmen, being 
 honest labouring Fishers, and other painfull functions, had no 
 leasure to waste either time or coyne in Aj>e tricks, so that no 
 audience came to the Inne, to the great griefe oi Jack an Apes 
 his Master ; who, collecting his wits together, resolved to 
 adventure to put a tricke upon the towne, whatsoever came of 
 it; whereupon hee took pen, inke, and paper and wrote a 
 warrant to the Mayor of the towne as followeth. 
 
432 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 These are to will and require you, and every of you with 
 your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof, you make 
 your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is an 
 Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised throughout her 
 Majesties dominions, that by his long experience amongst her loving 
 subjects, hee may bee the better enabled to doe her Majesty service 
 hereafter ; and hereof faile you not, as you will answer the con- 
 trary. &'C. 
 
 This warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a 
 shoemaker at the furthest end of the towne to read it ; which 
 when he heard, hee sent for all his brethren, who went with 
 him to the Towne Hall to consult upon this waighty businesse. 
 Where after they had sate a quarter of an houre, no man saying 
 any thing, nor any man knowing what to say ; at last a young 
 man that never had borne any office, said. Gentlemen, if I 
 were fit to speake, I thinke (without offence, under correction 
 of the Worshipful!) that I should soone decide this businesse ; 
 to whom the Mayor said, I pray good neighbour speake, for - 
 though you never did beare any office here, yet you may speake 
 as wisely as some of us. Then sir, said the young man, my 
 opinion is that this Ape carrier is a gybing scoffing knave, and 
 one that doth purpose to make this towne a jesting mocking 
 stocke throughout the whole Kingdome : for was it ever knowne 
 that a fellow should be so impudent audacious, as to send a 
 Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a towne, 
 to the Queenes Lieutenant, and that he with his brethren, their 
 wives and families should be all commanded to come before 
 a Jack an Apes i My counsell is, that you take him and his 
 Ape, with his man, and his dog, and whip the whole messe or 
 murrinal ^ of them out of the towne, which I thinke will be 
 much for your credit if you doe. 
 
 At which words a grave man of the towne being much 
 moved, said. My friend, you have spoken little better than 
 treason, for it is the Queene's Ape, and therefore beware what 
 you say ; you say true, said master Mayor, I muse who bad 
 
 ' Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival or mournival. The 
 " Compleat Gamester " says, " A Mournival is either all the aces, the four 
 kings, queens or knaves, and a ^eck is three of any of the aforesaid." 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 433 
 
 that saucy fellow come into our Company, I pray thee, my 
 friend, depart ; I thinke you long to have us all hanged. So 
 in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no com- 
 pany for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter ? 
 Marry (said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the 
 mans hat that hee is the Queenes man, and who knowes what 
 power a knave may have in the Court, to doe poore men 
 wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the Ape, it is but 
 two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well taken, 
 and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde 
 people that would shew so much duty to her Ape, what may 
 shee thinke wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither ? 
 besides, it is above 200 miles to London, and if wee should 
 bee complained on and fetched up with Pursinants,^ whereas 
 now every man may escape for his two pence, He warrant it 
 would cost us ten groats a peece at the least. This counsell 
 passed currant, and all the whole drove of the townsmen, with 
 wives and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a 
 table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master Mayor 
 (because it was the Queenes Ape) put off his hat, and made 
 a leg, but Jacke let him passe unregarded. But mistris 
 Mayoresse comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands 
 before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding, made a 
 low curtsie, whilest Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) 
 respected not the man, yet to expresse his courtesie to his 
 wife, hee put forth his paw towardes her, and made a 'mouth, 
 which the woman perceiving, said, Husband, I doe think in 
 my Conscience that the Queenes Ape doth mock mee : where- 
 at Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor 
 espying, was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou Ape, I doe see 
 thy saucinesse, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more 
 manners than thou hast then they have all bin better fed than 
 taught : and I will make thee know before thou goest from 
 hence, that this woman is my wife, an ancient woman, and a 
 midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for age. 
 
 In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where 
 Jack an Apes tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said. 
 Sir, doe you allow your Ape to abuse my Wife ? No sir, quoth 
 
 ^ Pursuivants 
 2 F 
 
434 Humour, Wit, and Satire 
 
 the other, not by any meanes ; truly, said the Mayor, there is 
 witnesse enough within that have seene him make mops and 
 movves at her, as if shee were not worthy to wipe his shooes 
 and I will not so put it up. Jack's tutor replyed. Sir, I will 
 presently give him. condigne punishment; and straight bee 
 tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his Apt by 
 the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made bis 
 teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes : ^ Which 
 master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his bands, 
 saying, enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentle- 
 man, let mee intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; 
 and I pray you and your Ape after the Play is done, to come 
 to my house and sup with mee and my wife. 
 
 [17.] King James keeping his Court at Theobalds,^ in a time 
 of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were 
 set at several places to hinder the concourse of people from 
 flocking thither, without some necessary occasion : Amongst 
 others, one Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a 
 Serving man) was examined what Lord he belonged unto? 
 To which he readily replyed. To the Lord Jehmah : which 
 words being beyond the Constables understanding, he asked 
 his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord ? They replyed 
 No — : However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, 
 said. Well, let him pass, notwithstanding ; / believe it is some 
 Scottish Lord or other. 
 
 [26.] A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings 
 Head Tavern, came Reeling out up Chancery Lane, and 
 
 1 A jack was usually made of pear tree, and rested on the back end 
 of the key lever. It had a movable tongue of holly working in a centre 
 and kept in its place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill 
 projects at right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed, the 
 jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the string, which it 
 twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills. 
 
 2 Is in the parish of Cheshunt, co. Hertford. Was originally the seal 
 of Lord Burleigh, whom Elizabeth frequently visited. It was used as a 
 hunting lodge by James I., and Charles I. often resided there. William 
 III. gave it to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765 the remains 
 of the old palace were pulled down, and the new mansion is now the seat 
 of Sir Henry Meux, Bart. 
 
of the Seventeenth Century. 43 S 
 
 chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his 
 motion round so long that he was tired ; whereupon, leaning 
 on the Rail he askt one that passed by, where he was ; he told 
 him over against the Chancery. I thought so (says he) and 
 thats the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place. 
 
 [94.] A Welchman that had one of his own Countrey men 
 waiting upon him, went to see a Comedy, and drawing out a 
 Purse of gold and silver at the door, was espied by a Cut 
 purse and dog'd, who seated himself close by him, his servant 
 having all this while a careful eye towards his Master, and 
 jealous of the Cut purse, so that whilest his Master was mind- 
 ing his sport, the Cheater got all his gold and silver out of his 
 pocket, and was about to be gone. The little Welchman's 
 blood rising at it, presently drew out his knife, and cut off his 
 ear, which made the fellow startle, and troubled with the 
 smart thereof, ask't what he meant by it? To whom the 
 Welchman replied, shewing him his ear in his hand, No great 
 harm friend, onely give hur Master hur purse, and I will give 
 hur hur ear. 
 
 [105.] Scogtn waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised 
 him to make his Testament, and to shew where he would lye 
 after hee was dead : Friends, said Scogtn, when I came into 
 this World, I brought nothing with me, and when I shall 
 depart out of this world, I shall take nothing away but a 
 sheet ; take you the sheet, and let mee have the beginning 
 againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray you 
 that I may be buried at the East side of Westminster, under 
 one of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good 
 drinke all the dayes of my life, and there was he buried. 
 
 When the extreame pangs of death came upon Scogtn, the 
 holy Candle was put in his hand to blesse himselfe. When 
 Scogtn had done so, in surrendring thankes to God, hee said. 
 Now the proverbe is fulfilled, that he that worst may shall 
 hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is thrust to the wall. 
 
 On the syllable Con. 
 [17.] Dogs concurr. Steeples conspire wheels converse, 
 
436 
 
 Humour, Wit, and Satire. 
 
 Lawyers contend, and Nurses can tend too, Foxes consent, 
 Minors condescend, Women conceive, Apple mongers consider, 
 Millstones contrive. Prisoners congeal, Rope makers concord. 
 Scriveners condition, Faggotters combine, Jaylors confine, 
 Sick men consume. Drums convene, and Scolds can vex, 
 Commanders conduct, great Officers controul. Ducks can dive, 
 Mourners condole. Clouds condense, great SchoUars convincej 
 Parishioners Congregate, Country Shoemakers contribute, viz 
 Countrey boot, Gamesters are concise which does not much 
 Conduce to their winning, grave Counsellors conceal. Cardinals 
 conclave. School boys construe, Countrey fellows conjoble.^ 
 Judges condemn. Friars confess, Jesuites confute, and Friends 
 conferr together. Politicians consult, Blind men connive, and 
 Cutlers connive too. Proud men contemn. Disputants contest 
 together. Landlords confirm, and their Tenants can farm any 
 thing they let out ; Bells convoke, that is call Yokes together. 
 Smiths contaminate, defile, that is do file, and I, like an 
 Epilogue conclude. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 1 From con, together, and jobbernol, head. To concert, to settle, to 
 discuss. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 BIBLIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE 
 
 TO THE SOURCES 
 
 WHENCE THIS BOOK WAS COMPILED. 
 
 [i.] C. 40, a. 1 1. The Sackful! of Newes. London. Printed by 
 Andrew Clark, and are to be sold by Thomas Passenger,^ at the Three 
 Bibles upon London Bridge. 1673 (b.l.) 
 
 [2.] Additional MSS. 12,049. Epigrams &c of Sir John Harington, 
 Knight. 
 
 (3.] E. 16 1 7. Wit and Drollery, Jovial Poems. Never before Printed. 
 By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.^ And other admirable Wits- 
 London. Printed for Nath Brook^ at the Angel in Cornhill. 18 Jan. 
 1656 (? 1655 O.S.). Catalogued under P.(J.) 
 
 [4.] 12,316, a. 20. England's Jests Refin'd and Improv'd, being a 
 Choice Collection of the Merriest Jests, Smartest Repartees, Wittiest 
 Sayings, and most Notable Bulls, yet extant ; with many New ones, never 
 before Printed &c. 3rd Edition London. Printed iox John Harris, at the 
 Harrow va. ths Poultry. 1693. Catalogued H. C. (Humphrey Crouch). 
 
 [5.] 11,601, b.b. 23. Witts Recreations. Selected from the finest 
 Fancies of Modeme Muses. With a Thousand out-Landish Proverbs. 
 London. Printed for Humph. Blunden, at y= Castle in Cornhill. 1640. 
 Catalogued Wit. 
 
 [6.] 239, i. 25. Epigrams both Pleasant and Serious, written hy that 
 All- Worthy Knight, Sir lohn Harrington, and never before Printed. 
 London. Imprinted {ox John Budge,^ and are to be sold at his shoppe at 
 the south dore ai Pauls, and at Britaines Burse^ 16 15. 
 
 1 T. Passenger published between 1670 and 1682. 
 
 2 Sir John Menzies, James Smith, Sir William Davenant, and John Dryden. The 
 dedication and preface signed J.3P., i.e. John Playford, a publisher and writer of 
 prefaces of that period. 
 
 3 Nathaniel Brook published between 1661 and 1668. 
 
 * John Budge was in business in 1609, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads shows. 
 5 Query, Royal Exchange, 
 
438 Appendix. 
 
 [7.] 5^^^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [8.] Grenville, 10,381. Witty Apothegms delivered at Several Times 
 and upon Several Occasions by King James King Charls, The Marquess 
 of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor. London. 
 Printed for W. R. for Matthew Smelt and are to be sold at his Shop next 
 to the Castle near Moorgate 1 669. 
 
 tg.] Grenville, 10,374. Choice Chance and Change or Conceites in 
 their Colours. Imprinted at London for Nathaniell Fosbrooke, and are to 
 be sold at his shop in Pauls Churchyard at the signe of the Helmet, 1606. 
 
 ['°-l ^liT^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [II.] ^■'^^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [12.] 11,626, a. a. 36. Westminster Quibbles in verse : Being a Mock 
 to the Crab of the Woood, and to that Tune : or. a Miscellany of Quibling, 
 Catches, Joques and Merriments. London. Printed for William 
 Cademan^ at the Popes Head in the Lower Walk of the New Exchange. 
 1672. 
 
 [13.J Westmmster Drollery, the Second Part, being a Compleat 
 Collection of all the Newest and Choicest Songs and Poems at Court, and 
 both the Theaters. By the Author of the First Part, never Printed before, 
 London. Printed for William Gilbert at the Half Moon in Sf Pauls 
 Church-yard, & Tho. Sawbridge at the three Flcrwer de Ltues in LittU 
 Britain 1672. (11,621, a. 45.) 
 
 [14.] Wits Interpreter the English Parnassus &c. The 3"! Edition with 
 many new Additions By J. C(otgrave) London. 1 671. (Grenville, 
 10,378.) 
 
 [is.] £^' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [16.] The most Elegant and Wittie Epigrams of Sir John Harington 
 Knight. Digested into foure Bookes. — London. Printed by George 
 Miller 1633. (^^ "■ ") 
 
 [17.] C. 40, b. II. Oxford Jests Refined and Enlarged; being a 
 Collection of Witty Jests, Merry Tales, & Pleasant Joques. Collected by 
 Captain W. H.2 Native of Oxford. London. Printed for Simon Miller, 
 at the Star at the West End of St Paul's. 1684. Catalogued Hickes (W.) 
 
 [18.] Delight & Pastime or Pleasant Diversion for both sexes consisting 
 of Good History &c &c— London. Printed iox J Sprint at the Bell, and 
 
 1 Cademan also published in 167s, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads bears that date. 
 s Nothing is known of Capt. Wm. Hickes, except as being the author of Oxford 
 Drolleries and Oxford Jests, 
 
Appendix. 439 
 
 G. Conyers at the Gold Ring, in Little Britain, over against the Sugar 
 Loaf. 1697. Price i/. Catalogued M.(g.) 
 
 [19.] "^-^-^i^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 [20.] '^- ^' ''■ ' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 A Collection of English Ballads. 
 
 Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [23.] "^ "' '■ " Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 359 
 
 [24.] C. 40, a. I. Wit Restor'd in severall select Poems not formerly 
 publish't. London. Printed for R. Pollard, N. Brooks and T. Dring,^ 
 and are to be sold at the Old Exchange, and in Fleet Street. 1658. 
 Catalogued Wit. 
 
 [25.] 1078, e. 2. Norfolk Drollery, Or a Compleat Collection of the 
 Newest Songs, Jovial Poems, and Catches &c — By the Author, M. Steven- 
 son. London. Printed for R. Reynolds,^ at the Sun and Bible, i.ud.John 
 Lutton at the Blue Aiuhor in the Poultry. 1673. Catalogued Stevenson. 
 
 [26.] Coffee House Jests Refined and Enlarged. By the Author of the 
 Oxford Jests. The Fourth Edition, with Large Additions. London. 
 Printed for Hen. Rhodes, next door to the Swan Tavern, near Bride Lane 
 YO. Fleet Street. 1686. Catalogued Coffee House Jests. 12,316,3.15. 
 
 816, m. 9 
 3> 
 
 [27-] 
 
 [28.] 5:^9 Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [29.] ?^^i^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [30.] ?:-^^iL?^ Roxburghe. Ballads. 
 
 [31-] ^^^r-' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [32.] C. 40, a. 6. The Booke of Merry Riddles, together with proper 
 
 Questions, and witty Proverbs, to make pleasant pastime. No lesse 
 
 ■ useful! than behoovefull for any young man or child, to know if he be 
 
 quick witted, or no. London. Printed iox John Stafford,'^ and W.G, 
 
 and are to be sold at the George near Fleetbridg. 1660. 
 
 [33.] ^^° Single Sheets. 
 
 1 Published between 1650 and 1687. 2 Rowland Reynolds published also in 1671. 
 
 9 Published^ from 1631 to 1660. _ Mr. Halliwell reprinted this little book in i865. 
 He says, "It is believed to be unique. It is an edition with many variations of the 
 old Book of Riddles alluded to by Slender." The copy in the British Museum has a 
 pencil note, " Cost me ten pounds unbound." It is in black letter. 
 
440 Appendix. 
 
 , [34-] '^^ Single Sheets. 
 
 [35-] '=^^' The Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [36-] -if- A Dialogue or Rather a Parley betweene Prince Superls 
 Dogge, whose name is Puddle and Toiies Dog whose name is Pepper 
 &c. Whereunto is added the Challeng which Prince Griffins Dogg called 
 Towner hath sent to Prince Ruperts Dogg Puddle, in the behalf of honest 
 Pepper Tobies Dog. Moreover the said Prince Griffin is newly gone to 
 Oxford to lay the Wager, and to make up the Match. Printed at 
 London for I. Smith 1643. 
 
 [37-] -^ The Bloody Prince, or a declaration of the most cruell 
 Practices of Prince Rupert, and the rest of the Cavaliers in fighting 
 against God, and the true Members of His Church. By I. W, London. 
 Printed 1643. Catalogued W. (I.) 
 
 [38.] 12,613 c. The History of the Blind Begger of Bednal Green. 
 
 139-1 -jj- The Parliaments unspotted Bitch : in answer to Prince 
 Roberts Dog called Boy, And his Malignant She Monkey. London. 
 Printed for R. Jackson 1643.^ Catalogued England. 
 
 [4°-] "J6~ The Welsh Embassadour, Or the happy Newes his Worship 
 hath brought to London, &c — Printed for /. Underwood 1643.1 
 
 [41.] 11,609, c. 6. The Works of Mr John Cleveland &c — London. 
 Printed by R Holt for Ohadiah Blagrave at the Bear and Star, over against 
 the little North Door in St PauFs Church yard 1687. 
 
 ^^^•^ 'sii" The Braggadocia Souldier : and the Civill Citizen. 
 Printed for J. L. 1647. 
 
 [43-] -^ A Dogs Elegy, or Ruperts Tears^ for the late Defeat given 
 him at Marston moore, neer York, by the Three Renowned Generalls 
 Alexander Earl of Leven, Generall of the Scottish Forces, Fardinando Lord 
 Fairefax, and the Earle ^Manchester Generalls of the Enghsh Forces in 
 the North. Where his beloved Dog named Boy, was killed by a Valliant 
 Souldier, who had skill in Necromancy. Likewise the strange breed of this 
 Shagged Cavalier, whelji'd of a Malignant Water- witch ; with all his tricks 
 
 Sad Caveliers, Rupert invites you all 
 That doe survive, to his Dogs Funeral!. 
 Close mourners are the Witch, Pope, & devill, 
 That much lament yo'r late befallen evill. 
 
 Printed at London for G. B. July 27. 1644. 
 
 1 This, as far as I can learn, is the only year of his publishing. 
 
 • These (said to be the invention of Pnnce Rupert) are small pear-shaped bubbles of 
 glass, formed by dropping melted glass in water. They will bear a smart stroke on the 
 thick end, but if the thin end is fractured, which is done very easily, they are resolved 
 into a very fine powder, bursting with a slight explosion. These toys arc easily 
 procurable. 
 
Appendix. 441 
 
 E. 3 
 
 [44-1 -5- The Kingdomes Weekly Intelligencer. Catalogued P.P. 
 London. 
 
 Us-] ^ A CONTINUATION of Certain Speciall and Remarkable 
 passages informed to the Parliament, and otherwise from divers parts of 
 this Kingdome, from Wednesday the lo* ai luly, till Wednesday the 17. 
 of luly. 1644. Catalogued P. P. London. Special and Remarkable 
 
 £ 2 
 
 [4S.J -^ Ruperts Sumpter, and Private Cabinet rifled. And a Dis- 
 covery oi\x& Jewels By way of Dialogue between Mercurius Britannicus 
 xa&M.txcarms, Aulicus. London. Printed byj. CoeiA.D. 1644. Cata- 
 logued Rupert. 
 
 E. 4 
 
 [47-] — The Catholike's Petition to Prince A^/w/ showing The ground 
 of their Griefe, The force of their Constancie, and their hopes of Recovery. 
 With a Draught of a Proclamation presented to his Highnesse, for the 
 more speedy Recruiting his Army, destroying the Protestants, and gaining 
 a Crowne. 
 
 Prince looke about thee, here is much adoe, 
 'Tis time to looke, and lay about thee too ; 
 Send obstinate offenders to their graves. 
 That neither will be Catholikes nor slaves. 
 
 Printed according to Order for G. B. ^ August i. 1644. Catalogued 
 Catholics. 
 
 E. 2 
 
 [48-] -7- A Continuation of true Intelligence from the English and 
 Scottish Forces, in the North, for the service of King and Parliament, and 
 now beleaguering York, from the l6'h of June to Wednesday the lo'h 
 oi July. 1644. Wherein is given a full and particular Accompt of the 
 Battaile with Prince Rupert, and the Marquesse New Castle together with 
 the successe thereof. By Sim. Ash. Chaplaine to the Earle of Manchester, 
 and one of the Ministers of the Assembly. London. Printed for Thomas 
 Underhill, at the Bible in Woodstreet. 1644. 
 
 [49-] -5^ An exact description of Prince Ruperfs Malignant She- 
 Monkey, a great Delinquent : Having approved herselfe a better servant, 
 than his white Dog called Boy. Laid open in three particulars : I. What 
 she is in her owne shape. 2. What she doth figuratively signifie. 3. Her 
 malignant tricks and qualities. Printed for E.Johnson. 1642 (a misprint 
 for 1643). Catalogued Ruperts. 
 
 tso-l -^ The numerous Tricks and Conceits of Prince Roberts Malig- 
 nant She-Monkey, discovered to the world before her liiarriage. Also the 
 
 1 Jane Coe published between 1644 and 1647. 
 2 Probably G. Bishop, who published from 1641 to 1644. 
 
442 Appendix. 
 
 manner of her marriage to a Cavaleer, andiow within three dayes space, she 
 called him Cuckold to his face. London, printed for T. Cornish. (There 
 is no date, but it must have been in the same year as [49.]) Catalogued 
 Rupert. Prince. 
 
 [SI.] C. 39, e. 58. Doctor Merry-man : or Nothing but Mirth. Written 
 by S. R. London Printed for Samuell Sand, and are to be sold at his 
 Shoppe neere Holborne bridge. 161 6. Catalogued R.(s.) 
 
 [52.] C. 40, c. 33. Pasquil's Jests with the Merriments of Mother 
 Bunch. Wittie pleasant, and delightful!. London. Printed by I. F, and 
 are to be sold by William Gilbertson 1 at the signe of the Bible m Giltspur- 
 street. (1650?) 
 
 [53.] '—^^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [S4-] 2044, g. Bartholomew Fayre : A Comedie, Acted in the Yeare 
 16 14 By the Lady Elizabeths Servants, And then dedicated to King 
 Iames, of most Blessed Memorie. By the Author, Beniamin Johnson. 
 London. Printed by I. B. for Robert Allot, and are to be sold at the signe 
 of the Beare, in Pauls Church-yard. 1 631. 
 
 tss-l ^^' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 [56.] ^^^' Roxburghe Ballads, 
 ts/.l ^-'^~- Roxburghe BaUads. 
 
 669, f. 10 
 103 
 
 r59-] Harl. MSS. ^^ 
 
 [58.] '-55;|^ Single Sheets. 1646. 
 
 [60.] ' ^^ °°'/- " Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [61.] 12,315, a. II. Mirth in abundance. Set forth and made manifest 
 in many Jests, upon severall occasions, full of Wit and Truth. Contriv'd 
 to relieve the Melancholy, and rejoyce the Merry, to expell sorrow, and 
 advance Jollity. All of them New and Noble, free from Rayling, Baudeiy, 
 Blasphemy or Incivility. Collected and set together by a lover of lawfull 
 Mirth and true hearted Society. London. Printed for Francis Grme, 
 neere the Saracens Head on Snow Hill. 1659. 
 
 [62.] Harl. MSS. ^' 
 
 [63.1 ^^1^' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [64.] E^ The Astrologer's Bugg-beare : Being a briefe Description of 
 many Pitthy Passages, which were brought to passe upon that day which 
 the Astrologers pointed out for Black-Monday : Whereby wee may all see 
 1 Gilbertson published between 1640 and 1663. 
 
Appendix. 443' 
 
 and know that God's power is^yond man's expectation. Mark well and 
 take notice, it is worth your observation. Written by L. P. London. 
 Printed for Sicnarf Seloc, in the Yeare of the downfall of darke Astrology, 
 and are to be sold in Country and City, by honest, harmlesse people, that 
 love England and its Friends. Catalogued P. (l. ) 
 
 [6s.] 644. b. 56. The Alchemist written by Ben lonson. 
 
 Neque, me ut miretur turba, laboro : 
 
 Contentus paucis lectoribus. 
 
 London printed by Thomas Snodham^ for Walter Burre,^ and are sold 
 \iyJohn Stepneth at the West End of Paulas. 1612. 
 
 [66.] ^^^ Roxburghe BaUads. 
 
 [67.J Ad. MSS. 15,227. Sir John Harringtons Epigrams. 
 
 Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 5 No-Body his Complaint. Dialogue between IVIaster No- 
 Body, and Doctour Some-Body. A delightful] Discourse, by George Baron 
 
 No-Body Why do'st tJiou/aiher all thy Lies 
 On Tne ? heaping Indignities 
 On one that never injur' d thee ? 
 Some-Body My Words and Acts hurt No-Body. 
 No-Body. Som-Body hath belied ine inuch^ 
 
 No-Body sure hath cajise to grutch. 
 
 London. Printed by B. Alsop,' dwelling near the Upper-Pomp in 
 Grub Street. 1652. 
 
 [70.] 2044, g. lonson's Works. Vol. I. Epigrammes. i. Booke. 
 The Author B. I.* London. 1616.^ 
 
 [71.] ^^^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [72.] Grenville, 16,427. Ar"! asleepe Husband? A Boulster Lecture. 
 Stored With all variety of Witty jeasts, merry Tales, and other pleasant 
 passages; Extracted from the choicest flowers of Philosophy, Poesy, 
 antient and moderne History. Illustrated with Examples of incomparable 
 constancy, in the excellent History of Philodes and Doricka. By Philo- 
 gmes Panedonius. London, Printed by R. Bishop, for Richard Best, and 
 are to be sold at his shop neare Graies-Inne-gate in Holeborne. 1646. 
 
 [73-] ?ii?;i:^= Bagford Ballads. 
 
 1 Alias Easi^ published between 1609 and 1612. 2 Certainly published in 1600. 
 
 3 Published between 1650 and 1652. 4 Ben Jonson. 
 
 5 I cannot find a separate edition of these Epigrams, although there is this entry in 
 the Register of the Stationers Company : "John Stepneth. 15^ Maii 1612. Entred for 
 his Copy vnder th' (h)andes of master Nydd, and Th(e) wardens, A booke called, Ben 
 Johnson his Epigrams, yyt' " 
 
444 Appendix. 
 
 174-] ~~^ — Here's Jack in a Box, th^wUl Coniure the Fox, or a new 
 List of the new Fashions now used in London. 
 
 Come who buyes Jack in a Box, 
 
 That will Cunjure the Fox, 
 
 And move them to delight ; 
 
 It may serve as I may say, 
 
 For to passe the time away, 
 
 In the long Winter nights, 
 
 To sit by a good fire, 
 
 When the Season doth require, 
 
 Your Body to keepe warme : 
 
 This Booke of merriment 
 
 Will yield you sweet content. 
 
 And doe you no harme. 
 This new merry Booke was newly Invented, 
 But never before this time Imprinted. 
 
 Written hy Lmirence Price in the moneth of October. 1656.— London, 
 Printed for Tho. Vcre'^ at the Angel without Newgate. 
 
 [7s.] Grenville, 11,163. The Wits, or Sport upon Sport. Being a 
 curious Collection of several Drols and Farces, Presented and Shewn For 
 the Merriment and Delight of Wise Men, and the Ignorant As they 
 have been sundry times Acted in Publique, and Private, In London at 
 Bartholomew, In the Countrey at other Faires. In Halls and Taverns. 
 On several Mountebancks Stages, at Charing Cross, Lincolns Inn Fields, 
 and other places. By Several Stroking Players, Fools, and Fidlers, and 
 the Mountebancks Zainies with Loud Laughter, and great Applause. 
 Written I know not when, by several Persons, I know not who. But now 
 newly Collected by your Old Friend to please you. Francis Kirkman.' 
 London, 1672, 
 
 '■'^'■' 343 Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [77.] 12,331, b. 42. Tarlton's Jests. Drawne into these three parts. 
 I. His Court Witty lests. 2. His found City lests. 3. His Countrey- 
 pretty lests. full of delight. Wit and honest Mirth. London. Printed by 
 IH.3 for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the 
 signe of the Beare. 1638. 
 
 [78.] C. 40, a. 22. Conceits, Clinches, Flashes, and Whimzies, 
 Newly studied, with some Collections, but those never published before 
 in this kinde. London. Printed by R. Hodgkinsonne for Daniel Frere, 
 and are to be sold at the signe of the red Bull in little Briitain. 1639. 
 
 [79.] ^^ (Single Sheets) 25 Jan. 1647. 
 
 [80.] '^^ °y " A CoUecUon of Ballads. 
 
 [81.] 11,623, a.a.a. 32. Epigrammes written on purpose to be read: 
 with a Proviso that they may be understood by the Reader, being Ninety 
 in Number : Besides two new made Satyres that attend them. By John 
 
 I He published from 1648 to 1680. 2 Kirkman also published in 1661. 
 
 !* In all probability Joseph Hunt in Bedlem, near Moore lield gate, who printed in 1613. 
 
Appendix. 445 
 
 Taylor,! at the Signe of the Poet's Head, in Phcenix Alley, neare the 
 middle of Long Aker, or Covent Garden. London, Printed in the 
 Yeare 1 651. 
 
 [82.] 79, h. 22. "Wit & Mirth" in "All the Workes of lohn 
 Taylor the Water poet being 63 in number, collected into one Volum by 
 the Author with sundry new Additions, Corrected, Revised, and newly 
 Imprinted. 1 630. 
 
 [83.] '^■39.^^°'-3 The Bagford Ballads. 
 [84.] '—^ A Collection of Ballads. 
 
 [Ss-] 1078, g. 15. Covent Garden Drollery, or a Collection of all 
 the Choice Songs, Poems, Prologues and Epilogues, Sung and Spoken at 
 Courts and Theaters) never in Print before. Written by the refind'st 
 Witts of the Age. And Collected by A(lexander) B(rome). London. 
 Printed for James Magnes neer the Piazza in Russel Street. 1672. Cata- 
 logued B. (a.) 
 
 [86.] 12,316, 11. 27. Fragraenta Aulica, or Court and State Jests in 
 Noble Drolleiy. True and Reall. Ascertained to their Times, Places 
 and Persons. By T. S. Gent. London, Printed for H Marsh^ at the 
 Princes Armes in Chancery Lane near Fleet street ; and Jos. Coniers ' at 
 the Black Raven in the long Walk near Christ Church. 1 662. Cata- 
 logued S.(T. Gent.) 
 
 [87.] '^—^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [88.] £^5ii A Collection of BaUads. 
 
 [89.] £^' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [90.] £^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [91.] 12,316, a.a. 7. A Helpe to Discourse. Or A IMisselany of 
 Seriousnesse with IVIerriment. Consisting of witty Philosophical!, Grama- 
 ticall, and Astronomicall Questions and Answers. As also Of Epigrams, 
 Epitaphs, Riddles, and Jests. Together with the Countrey-mans Coun- 
 sellour, next his yearley Oracle or Prognostication to consult with. Con- 
 tayning divers necessary Rules and Observations, of much use and conse- 
 quence, beeing knowne. Now the sixt time published, and much inlarged 
 by the former Authors W. B.* and E. P.^ London. Printed by B. A. 
 and T Fawcet, for Leonard Becket, and are to be sold at his shop in the 
 Temple, neere the Church. 1627. Catalogued. B. (w. ) and P. (E. ) 
 
 1 The "Water Poet." 2 Published 1660, 1661. 
 
 3 Or Conyers, was also in Fetter Lane, Duck Lane, on Holbom Hill, and at the 
 Anchor and Bible adjoining St. Peter's Alley, Comhill, published 1682-1691. 
 
 4 William Basse. 
 
 6 Edward Phillips, author of Theatrum Poetarum, or a CompIeat'CoUection of the ~? 
 Poets. Lond. 1675. 
 
44^ Appendix. 
 
 [92.] S^^^ A Collection of Ballads. 
 
 [93.] C. 40, d. 38. Merrie conceited Jests of George Peelel Gentle- 
 man, sometimes a Student in Oxford. 'Wherein is shewed the course of 
 his life, how he lived ; a man very well knowne in the Citie of London, 
 and elsewhere. 
 
 Buy, Feade and judge 
 The price doe not grudge ; 
 It will doe thee more pleasure, 
 Than twice so much treasure. 
 
 London. Printed by G. P. for F. Faulkner, 2 and are to be sold at his 
 Shop in Southwarke, neere Saint Margarets Hill. 1627. 
 
 [94-] — 7-^— A choice Banquet of Witty Jests, Rare Fancies, and 
 Pleasant Novels. Fitted for all the Lovers of Wit, Mirth, and Eloquence. 
 Being an Addition to Archee's^ Jests, taken out of his Closet ; but never 
 publisht by him in his life time. London. Printed by T. J. and are to 
 be sold by Peter Dring* at the Sun in the Poultry 1660. Catalogued 
 Armstrong (A.) Jester. 
 
 [95.] ^^ Single Sheets. 
 
 [96.] '^^—^ Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [97.] 12,316, a. 43. The Merry Dutch Miller and New Invented Wind- 
 mill. Wherewith he undertaketh to grind all sorts of Women, as the 
 Old, Decreped, Wrinkled,- Blear ey'd. Long Nosed, Blind, Lame, Scolds, 
 
 Jealous, Angry, Poor, Drunkards, W , Sluts, or all others what 
 
 soever. They shall come out of his Mill Young, Active, Pleasant, Hand- 
 some, Wise, Loving, Vertuous and Rich ; Without any Deformity and 
 just suteable to their Husband's Humours. 
 
 The Rich for Money, and the Poor for nothing. Composed Dialogue 
 wise, for the Recreation of all those that are inclined to be merry, and 
 may serve to pass away an hour in a Cold winter night (without any great 
 offence) by a good fire side. 
 
 The Miller and the Mill you see 
 How throng'd with Customers they be : 
 Then bring your Wives unto the Mill, 
 And Young for Old you shall have still 
 
 London. Printed by E. Crowch.s for F. Coles.e T. Vere,' and J. 
 Wright.8 1672. 
 
 1 He was a dramatic author, and an acquaintance both of Shakespeare and Ben Jon- 
 son. He led what we should term a somewnat " fast life." 
 
 2 He lived "over against St. Margaret's Hill in Southwark," and published one of Die 
 Roxburghe ballads in 163 1. 
 
 3 Archie Armstrong, Court Jester lo James I. and Charles I. . , 
 
 4 There was another of this name, T. Bring, who lived in Fleet Street, and published 
 between 1650 and 1687. 5 Published from 1658 to 1674. 
 
 6 Although separate publishers, they were occasionally partners, and as such pub- 
 lished from 1655 to 1680. 
 
Appendix. 447 
 
 [58.] ^Si^ Single Sheets. 
 
 [99-1 "14^ A Brown Dozen of Drunkards : (Ali-ass Drink-hards) 
 Wlaipt, and shipt to the Isle of Guls : for their abusing of M' Malt the 
 bearded son, and Barley-broth the brainlesse daughter of Sir John Barley- 
 corne. All joco-seriously descanted to our Wine drunk, Wrath drunk, 
 Zeale drunk, staggering Times. By one that hath drunk at S' Patricks i 
 Well. London. Printed by Robert Austen on Addlin-hill. 1 648. 
 
 [100.] ^SxLj? Single sheets. 
 49 
 
 [loi.] ■ ,2 ' Poetical Broadsides. 
 
 [102.] 1076, m. 2. Humors Ordinarie. Where a man may bee verie 
 merrie, and exceeding well used for his six-pence. At London. Printed 
 by Edward Allde, for William firebrand, and are to bee sold at his 
 Shoppe in the Popes head Alley, right over against the Taverne doore. 
 1607. Catalogued Rowlands, (s.) 
 
 [103.] 12,314, i. 31. Ingenii Fructus, or the Cambridge Jests, being 
 Youths Recreation &c. By W. B. London printed for William Spiller, 
 over against the Cross Keys in Red Lyon street, near the Fields, Holboum, 
 1700. Price bound y 
 
 [,04.] ^- 3^;;^°'- '■ Bagford Ballads. 
 
 [los.l 1080, e. 26. The First and best Part of Scoggins Jests. Full 
 of vritty mirth and pleasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places : 
 being a preservative against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, 
 Doctor of Physicke. London. Printed for Francis Williams 1626. 
 
 [106.] '^ Single Sheets. 
 
 [107.] '^- "' °- ° English Ballads. 
 
 [108.] 5^^^° English Ballads. 
 
 [109.] 9^j5Lf English Ballads. 
 
 [no.] C. 39, d. 2. The Pleasant Conceites of Old Hobson the merry 
 Londoner, full of humorous discourses, and witty merriments. Whereat 
 the quickest wittes may laugh, and the Wiser sort take pleasure. Printed 
 at London for John Wright, and are to be sold at his shoppe neere Christ 
 Church gate, 1607. Catalogued Johnson (R.) 
 
 tin.] '=^^ English Ballads. 
 
 [112.] e^HL^if English Ballads. 
 
 ingle Sheets — S( 
 
 1 A cant Irish term for the best whisky. 
 
 [113.] °^^''° Single Sheets — Sep. 1652 
 
44 8 Appendix. 
 
 [114.] Si^pJ' English Ballads. 
 
 [IIS.] c^i2iit-!2L2 Luttrell Collection. 
 
 B4 
 
 [116.] Newspapers, 1681, vol. 3. Heraclitus Ridens : at a Dialogue 
 between Jest and Earnest, concerning the Times. Numb. 15. Tuesday 
 May 10, 1681. 
 
 816. m. 19 
 
 [117.1 — pi — An exact. Accompt of the Receipts and Disbursements 
 Expended by the Committee of Safety. Upon the Emergent Occasions of 
 the Nation. Dehvered in by M'^ R. Secretary to the said Committee, to 
 prevent false Reports, and prejudicate Censures. London Printed for 
 Jer. Hanzen. i56o. 
 
 C. 20, f. 4 vol. 2 
 
 ["8.] ;jj— (The Luttrell Collection) Inamorato and Misogamos; 
 
 or a Love Song Mock'd. London. Printed for H. Brome, at the Gun, at 
 the West End of S' Pauls. 1675. 
 
 [119.] '^■^g'^';''"'-' Bagford BaUads. 
 
 English Ballads. 
 
 [121.] C. 39, b. 39. Wit and Drollery, Joviall Poems : Corrected and 
 much amended with Additions, By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.^and 
 the most refined Wits of the Age. London. Printed for Nath Brook, at 
 the Angel in Cornhil, 1661. Catalogued M. (e.) (The Editor of this 
 edition.) 
 
 [„2.] ?^^^ English Ballads. 
 
 [123.] ^',3 '° Old Sayings and predictions verified. 
 
 [124.] ^^-^~- Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [125.] • °°' • ' Roxburghe Ballads. 
 
 [126.] '^■^''^'^''°'-° Bagford Collection. 
 
 [127.] 1078, e. 32. Wit and Mirth ; or Pills to purge Melancholy. 
 Being a Collection of the best Merry Ballads and Songs, Old and New. 
 Fitted to all Humours, having each there proper Tune for either Voice 
 or Instrument, many of the Songs being a new Set. &c — London. 
 Printed by Will. Pearson, for Henry Playford. at his Shop in the Temple 
 Change. 1699. 
 
 [128.] — jjj — Catalogue of the severall Sects and Opinions in England 
 and other Nations, With a briefe Rehearsall of their false and dangerous 
 Tenents. Printed for R A 1647. 
 
 1 See No. 3 and footnote. 
 
SOME OF THE TUNES 
 
 noted 
 
 in this Book. 
 
 Sir Eglamore. See p. g. 
 
 Come Lasses and Lads. See p. Z2>- 
 
 ^^^^^^^^^^is 
 
450 
 
 Appendix. 
 Sellenger's Round. See p. 68. 
 
 Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. See p. 99. 
 
 ^_U— &^ 
 
 Sawney and Jockey. Seep. 116. 
 
 Stingo ; or, the Oyle of Barley. Seep. 124. 
 
Appendix. 45 1 
 
 Pegge of Ramsay ; or, Watton Town's End. Seep. 142. 
 
 Upon a Summer's Day. See p. 159. 
 
 Shall I lye beyond thee ? or, Lulle me beyond thee. Seep. 207. 
 
 The Spinning Wheel. Seep. 241. 
 
452 Appendix. 
 
 Cuckolds all a Row. See p. 255. 
 
 The Leather Bottel. Seep. ^12. 
 
 Ragged and Tom. Seep. 327 
 
Appendix. 453 
 
 There was a Jovial Beggar. &«/. 386. 
 
 -r f» 
 
 ^^^=^ 
 
 \ y w - 
 
 loarCs Ale is New. See p. 399. 
 
lAvgust, i88^ 
 
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