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 THE GIFT OF 
 
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 7583 
 
Cornell 
 
 / -' By _ 
 K. P. ROYCE and 
 C. L. FUNNELL 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924022436582 
 
OlnrnpU ^mbbltnp 
 
 BY 
 
 CHARLES L. FUNNELL, '16 
 
 AND 
 
 KNIBLOE PERRY ROYCE, '16 
 
 Copyright 1916 by 
 
 k. p. royce and 
 
 c. l. funnell 
 
 ANDRUS& CHURCH 
 
 e 
 
FOREWORD 
 
 If you are a keen observer you have noted that this 
 is a Foreword rather than a Preface. 
 
 We would like to have written a regular preface 
 saying that we have compiled this text at the urgent 
 solicitation of our many friends and our colleagues in 
 the department, who declared that it was needed to 
 fill a long felt want ; that it would be advisable to use 
 three or four of our other works as references in con- 
 nection with the course ; that the theory in chapters 
 XIX to XXIV is advanced and may be omitted in an 
 elementary course without affecting the value of the 
 rest of the work ; and so on according to the con- 
 ventional textual style. 
 
 But that didn't seem quite the thing, so we have 
 written a little Foreword, instead. 
 
 The first poem in the book, "The I^ibrary Fire- 
 place," was written for us by Dean Smith, of Sibley 
 College. For that and for the interest that he has 
 taken in this work, we wish to express our very sin- 
 cere thanks. 
 
 For the illustration on page 4 we are indebted to 
 G. B. Wiser, '17. 
 
 We are also very grateful to the Widow for per- 
 mission to use many things that first appeared in her 
 pages. 
 
 C. L. F. 
 K. P. R. 
 
 Ithaca, N. Y., February i, 1916. 
 
itJiiratrJi to 
 
THE LIBRARY FIREPLACE 
 
 I passed the tower when, through the rain, 
 The vesper bells rang to the night ; 
 
 And 'neath the arches entered, fain 
 To read some tale of love's delight. 
 
 The entrance fireplace was aglow. 
 Where flame was never seen before ; 
 
 And Cupid with his unstrung bow 
 Stirred up the fire to make it roar. 
 
Two benches flank the inglenook 
 Where people far apart could bide ; 
 
 But lo, a man came in and took 
 A seat close by a maiden's side. 
 
 Then Cupid plied his burnished bow 
 Till ruddy firelight filled the place 
 
 And shone upon the pair, and lo, 
 
 Each turned and saw the other's face. 
 
 They gazed into each other's eyes, 
 Their faces rapt and love-beguiled ; 
 
 They whispered low with long-drawn sighs ; 
 And Cupid stirred the fire and smiled. 
 
 I sought the inglenook next day ; 
 
 The hearth was clean, the shining flue 
 Was free from soot ; no ashes lay 
 
 To show the thing I saw was true. 
 
 But I saw man and maid that day. 
 
 Their eyes still bright with Cupid's gleam ; 
 
 Which proves, I think, beyond gainsay, 
 It couldn't all have been a dream. 
 
 Thus Cupid works in various ways 
 To bend us to his heart's desire ; 
 
 And risks his wings beside a blaze 
 To use his bow to stir love's fire. 
 
JUNIOR WEEK 
 
 Journeying far, the lovely horde descends 
 Upon the town. The fair invasion lends 
 New life to those who by some sad mischance 
 Intent on work, have nigh forgotten dance 
 Or merriment. Avaiint now, books and lore ! 
 Reigneth, supreme o'er all, Queen Terpsichore ! 
 
 Welcome, ye guests, who, as ye stay the while, 
 Electrify us with each casual smile. 
 Enthrall us, who are willing vassals all. 
 Kneeling in homage ; obedient to your call. 
 
 A PLAINT 
 
 There are kisses to get for the asking ; 
 
 There are kisses to get for a price ; 
 And then there are misses 
 To whom the word kiss is 
 
 A synonym, almost, for " vice." 
 
 There are kisse§ that come uninvited ; 
 There are kisses that cannot be had ; 
 
 And plenty of misses, 
 
 Who like others' kisses. 
 When I try to kiss them get mad ! 
 
 Right here let us tack on a moral, 
 Just as if 'twas a serious rime ; 
 
 The moral of this is : 
 
 While I can't get kisses 
 The unwilling must dodge all the time. 
 6 
 
A MODERN MIRACLE 
 
 The poor fellow ! See him sitting in the doorway- 
 over there with the sign in his lap : ' ' Please help the 
 blind." Cruel nature has stolen away his light ere 
 half his days in this dark world and wide and that one 
 talent which is death to hide lodged with him un- 
 digested. How pathetic ! Let's look to cheerier 
 things. 
 
 Ah ! Behold the delicate dream coming down on 
 the other side. Sausage-gone, but she's a queen. 
 Regular goddess of grace, doll of daintiness ; perfect 
 princess of pippininity. But look — she's met with an 
 accident ! The port quarter of her gown is gaping 
 wide, displaying a goodly section of her crank-shaft, 
 silk covered. What's that? Meant to be ? Storm- 
 reefed, eh ? 
 
 Behold ! she passes the blind beggar. Ye gods, see 
 him tremble. He must feel her presence. He rises, 
 staggers, arranges his center of gravity and assumes 
 a position of equilibrium. As she sweeps by his field 
 of blindness his head turns. By the horn goggles of 
 Barney Seaman, I mean Oldfield, he sees ! 
 
 But what is he turning his sign over for ; and why 
 does he button his coat over his right arm ? Why, 
 there's something on the other side of his sign. It; 
 reads : " Please help the maimed." 
 
 My old friend Johnny, the fireman, 
 He tells such rippin' lies, 
 
 It makes me wonder if Johnny '11 be 
 A fireman when he dies. 
 
FIRELESS COOKERS 
 
 "Your Honor," blew the chief meatster to the 
 Kink Kannibial, " the damn kitchen fire is out again. 
 What wouldst do to and with the next candidate for 
 laboratory experience in Dommycon ? " 
 
 "His proportions, knave, are they ample or 
 sparse ? ' ' 
 
 "Forsooth, Sire, he is of goodly design, having a 
 factor of safety that will enrich the royal gravy." 
 
 " Pack him in straw then, that he may keep until 
 the fire is again akindle, and meanwhile bring in 
 the maiden-finger salads to commode my cavernous 
 capacity." 
 
 So the latest acquisition to the royal stores was 
 
 stored in the royal hay box, and the Kink dined 
 
 "lightly on maiden finger salads, and the damn kitchen 
 
 fire was kindled and the green grass grew all around. 
 
 At length it came to pass that the chief meatster 
 felt himself called upon to prepare to commode the 
 cavernous capacity of the Kannibial King and accord- 
 ingly he went himself to the royal hay box that he 
 might acquire the next candidate for laboratory ex- 
 perience in dommycon. 
 
 lyong experience had taught the royal meatster that 
 deep-rooted objections were liable to be raised by the 
 candidates for first-hand experience in culinary lab, 
 and he had armed himself with the royal monkey 
 wrench as an instrument of persuasion. Butlo ! upon 
 laying open the royal hay box, his eyes were met with 
 the sight of finely broiled meat and the aroma of 
 cooked condiment bade his olfactory department good- 
 afternoon. The candidate was done ! 
 
Thus did the fireless cooker originate and its modern 
 applications are now diverse and wondrous. One 
 manufacturing company is making a machine similar 
 to the original model and calling it an air-cooled auto- 
 mobile. Although the machine has a reputation for 
 an absence of blowouts, its inventor was often spoken 
 of as a tireless worker. 
 
 RED. RED NOSE 
 
 I've got a lovely red, red nose ; 
 A gay and lurid member. 
 And everywhere I go it glows 
 As red as any ember. 
 
 To get that hue, my bonnie nose 
 Full many drinks drank I, 
 And deeper still thy color grows 
 For I am ever dry. 
 
 For I am ever dry, my dear. 
 And drink from sun to sun. 
 I'll keep thy color bright, my dear 
 While the sands o' life shall run. 
 
 And fare thee well, my crimson beak 
 And fare thee well a' while, 
 For thou shalt ne'er turn dull and bleak 
 While I can drink in style. 
 
CHEESE IT, WILLIAM 
 
 Your superlative excellence," effervesced the im- 
 perial German gong- hop, " there are five thousand 
 angry socialists outside who say that they are going 
 to wreck the royal palace." 
 
 " That'll be all right, Hans. There are a couple of 
 the royal guard out there." 
 
 " Also, your majesty, seventeen French aeroplanes 
 are dropping bombs on the dynamite factory." 
 
 ' ' Oh, have another stick of shpearmindt, the crown 
 prince has his air rifle up on the roof. ' ' 
 
 "And your grace, there are two Americans from 
 Georgia who say they are tempted to lynch you." 
 
 " Mein Gott ! Call out the imperial troops, dou- 
 ble bolt all the doors, open the emergency secret 
 passages, train a 42-centimeter on every entrance and 
 hold the royal armored train ready to leave on instant 
 notice. And Hans, give me about three fingers from 
 that decanter, quick ! " 
 
 I sat in the dentist's arm-chair. 
 He asked how it felt to be there. 
 
 " I feel bored," I explained, 
 
 " I may even say pained. 
 " Your extracting' s distracting, I swear." 
 
LITTLE TALES OF THE WAR 
 
 There had been quite a barbecue in camp. The 
 Chinese cook had had a haircut. On all sides was 
 heavy firing and the youthful drummer was quite non- 
 plussed not to say minused. At home the family 
 practitioner had always warned him against lead 
 poisoning, and now this rain of hot lead froze his 
 blood. This rendered the bending of his limbs quite 
 difficult, and gave the boy a rather formal appearance. 
 A few feet away a private stood upon a gun-carriage 
 supported by a Saturday post. The next instant a 
 dart from the enemy's aircraft fell directly upon him 
 and he stood riveted to the spot. This was too much 
 for the boy, who took up his drum and beat it. 
 
 THE POET'S BOAST 
 
 I have written some hundreds of verses ; 
 I have written some bad and some good ; 
 To various misses I've written of kisses — 
 (And I've kissed, too, whenever I could.) 
 
 I have written of wine and of women ; 
 
 I have written of laughter and song ; 
 
 I have written of fame — (Aye, and likewise of shame.) 
 
 I have written of right and of wrong. 
 
 But in writing these hundreds of verses, 
 
 Some good and a lot of them bad, 
 
 I can proudly proclaim I ne'er tarnished my name 
 
 By the making of rhymes for an "Ad." 
 
AFTERNOON TEA AND AFTERNOON 
 TEASERS 
 
 Afternoon tea is a function which little girls play 
 at and women gossip at and at which the average man 
 is inclined to curse. 
 
 When a man has to go to a tea he spends half the 
 time wishing he was lying comfortably in a hospital 
 with a broken leg and the other half wishing he had 
 five hands and a knee with a flat top. 
 
 But if all this be true, you ask, why does a man ever 
 go to a tea ? 
 
 The reason is not far to seek. " Cherchez la 
 femme," as they say in Turkey, which means search 
 the lady, she may be a spy. 
 
 The afternoon tea-ist need not be an athlete — (this 
 does not apply to Spaniards or Mexicans) — but he 
 must be a juggler, and an expert, too. Many an 
 ardent lover has delivered the coup de grace to his 
 hopes by pouring his tea down his fair one's neck in- 
 stead of his own throat. 
 
 It must be conceded that either by the grace of 
 God or by pure fool luck, we all of us get by some- 
 times ; and by the same token many of us get by all 
 the time ; but once in a while the inevitable happens. 
 
 Your cup is full of tea and your saucer is full of 
 sandwiches and cakes and macaroons and slices of 
 lemon and lumps of sugar and spoons and things. 
 You have been gayly talking to the young lady at 
 your right and smiling at the one across the room. 
 (Yes, that one over there with the honey colored hair 
 and the funny colored gown.) 
 
Presently you taste your tea and — O fateful 
 moment ! — it is not sweet enough. You carefully 
 move the sandwich and two lady fingers and bring to 
 the surface a lump of sugar. And now for the spoon. 
 With great trepidation and infinite care you try to 
 draw it out without disturbing the lemon, the maca- 
 roon or the other lady finger. But now — Ha ! laugh, 
 Alecto ; and you, Magaera, jeer — destiny must be 
 fulfilled. The lady finger slips off. You look up to 
 see whether the young lady with the honey colored 
 hair saw the faux pas and grope for the sandwich 
 blindly. You find it and straightening up, jog some- 
 one's elbow. You put the lady finger on your saucer 
 and off jumps the slice of lemon into the lap of the 
 girl next you. You can hardly blame it, but it is 
 nevertheless rather disconcerting. 
 
 At last the strain is too much, (Ah, Pate, how in- 
 exorable art thou !) and cup and all slip, clatteringly, 
 to the floor. 
 
 And then — 
 
 But let us not harrow our feelings further. Let us 
 draw a veil over the anticlimax. And not a veil like 
 Ruth St. Denis wears when she dances, but a real one 
 that can't be seen thru. 
 
 CROSSING THE CHANNEL 
 
 The preacher stepped hurriedly up to the rail ; 
 His remarks were explicit, tho brief. 
 " A contribution," said he, growing pale, 
 " To the Ministerial Relief." 
 
 13 
 
A NIMBLE RHYMBEL 
 
 An adage old and proved by time 
 Says stolen fruits are succulent, 
 But one should also bear in mind 
 The owner may be truculent. 
 
 The truck you lent quite filled the bill ; 
 We've moved our goods to our new home ; 
 We've settled up and settled down 
 And now we hope no more to roam. 
 
 " To Rome ! To Rome ! " the soldiers cried, 
 " Th' Eternal City, we'll o'erthrow ! " 
 But Caesar met them just outside ; 
 Said Caesar's soldiers, " Nay, not so ! " 
 
 " I neigh, not sew," the bay mare said, 
 ' ' No thimble made, my foot would fit ; 
 ' ' Besides, I could not steer a thread, 
 " I really could not sew a bit." 
 
 How could she sew a bit, indeed ? 
 A bit is far too hard to sew ; 
 And if 'twere sown, such funny seed, 
 I'm sure would never, never grow. 
 
 I went down to the Star with Phyllis, fair ; 
 An actor pulled a joke a bit too rare ; 
 I was amused and laughed a bit, and then — 
 Phyllis arose and left me with a glare ! 
 Goo^ Bye ! 
 
 14 
 
AN ENGINEER ON MUSIC 
 
 This stuff is imagistic. 
 
 It is 
 
 Because it was meant to be 
 
 When it was wrote, 
 
 See? 
 
 Roomy's taking Arts, 
 
 Poor gink. 
 
 Wished me the pasteboards 
 
 To a swell 
 
 Highbrow concert because 
 
 He couldn't go. 
 
 Perhaps he had went 
 
 One time. 
 
 Me, I bit. 
 I went to it, 
 The concert. 
 I try anything 
 Once, Just once. 
 
 First a swell dame wrastled a piano. 
 Some suit, she wore. 
 With pink suspenders 
 Over her shoulders ; 
 Three-tenths of an inch wide. 
 The suspenders, 
 I mean. 
 
 15 
 
She dinged it one with her dainty left 
 
 To see if it was connected up. 
 
 Then she sailed into it. 
 
 It must have been hot ; 
 
 After each swat 
 
 She lifted her mit in the air 
 
 To let it cool off. 
 
 When she got up 
 The piano trembled 
 And groaned 
 For five minutes 
 And everybody 
 Applauded fiercely 
 Probably because her 
 Suspenders held. 
 
 Next the}' pulled a dual meet 
 
 Between a violinist 
 
 And a cello fighter 
 
 For nine and a half minutes. 
 
 It was a frame-up 
 
 From the start. 
 
 The cello chauffeur 
 
 Had to keep the thing's tail 
 
 On the floor, 
 
 While the violiner 
 
 Picked his victim up 
 
 And carried it all around. 
 
 But it had an anchor hold on life 
 
 And died hard. 
 
 16 
 
Then a slim 
 Drink of water 
 Sang a frivolous line 
 About the deep. 
 Let us in on the last verse 
 That he meant the ocean 
 All the time. He was some 
 Subtle guy. 
 
 I've attended Physics 
 
 Lectures on sound, 
 
 And worked in a boiler shop 
 
 Three days 
 
 One afternoon. 
 
 But not for me 
 
 More concerts. 
 
 Not while I have 
 
 My strength. 
 
 I bought some stock ; the price was far from high. 
 " This mineral spring will make me rich," said I, 
 " For they make money fast." And then I found 
 The stock was watered and my spring was dry ! 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 
 The baby ate some worsted 
 
 " Don't worry ; " said his pater 
 
 " He'll likely swallow all the yarns 
 " He hears a little later." 
 
 17 
 
WHY POETS HAVE LONG HAIR 
 
 I'm a hunter of the wild and wary dactyl, 
 I have traced the fierce iambic to his lair, 
 
 When I catch the wily pyrrhic 
 
 I confine him in a lyric 
 And I treat him as a poet wouldn't dare. 
 
 I have chased for days the slim and lithesome trochee 
 I have captured the heroic in my snare. 
 
 When they fought they never hurt me, 
 
 Tho they forced me to exert me, 
 And in time they had to give up in despair. 
 
 Now I caught them all with just the same contrivance, 
 (And to do it took not only skill, but care.) 
 
 In the stilly night I trapped them, 
 
 I entangled and enwrapped them 
 With a net made out of shaggy poets' hair. 
 
 " Sis " had been making fudge her letter said. 
 And when the folks at home had all been fed 
 There still was left a bit. I smacked my lips ; 
 But then, " too soft to mail " I further read ! 
 Goo^ Bye ! 
 
 She was a dream — my name she softly spoke 
 
 As snuggled in my arms she watched the smoke 
 
 And little flames and embers on the hearth 
 
 Make fairy pictures And then I awoke ! 
 
 Goo^ Bye ! 
 i8 
 
THE DAILY PRAYERS OF AN OPTIMISTIC 
 AGNOSTIC 
 
 Monday ; Now I lay me down to sleep, 
 My poker winnings in a heap ; 
 If I die before I wake 
 I'll then have no more coin at stake. 
 
 Tuesday : Now I lay me down to slumber, 
 Prelims coming without number ; 
 If I die before I wake 
 I'll have no more exams to take. 
 
 Wednesday : Now I lay me down to rest, 
 
 A mustard plaster on my chest ; 
 
 If I die before I wake 
 
 'T will be a sure cure for my ache. 
 
 Thursday : Now I lay me down to drowze, 
 A bachelor without a spouse ; 
 If I die before I wake 
 I'll never own a wedding cake. 
 
 Friday : Now I lay me down to snore, 
 
 Where many men have snored before ; 
 
 If I die before I wake 
 
 No more Dorm, beds my back will break. 
 
 Saturday : Now I lay me down to snooze ; 
 
 Dreaming dreams provoked by booze ; 
 
 If I die before I wake. 
 
 Then I'll have no Sunday ache. 
 
 Sunday : Now I lay me down to doze, 
 
 A ripe rum-blossom is my nose ; 
 If I die before I wake 
 Another drink I'll never take. 
 19 
 
ANTS 
 
 Do you like ants ? 
 
 Neither do I. When I was a kid, whenever I 
 wanted to play baseball or go out to the swimming 
 hole instead of mowing the lawn, I was always told 
 to " consider the industrious ant." And I was long 
 past the lawn mowing stage before I thought of coming 
 back with " consider the lilies of the field, how they 
 toil not, neither do they sew socks for soldiers." 
 
 That is the way life goes. You always think of a 
 clever retort about twenty cubic feet too late. Do I 
 hear you ask ' ' Why cubic feet ? ' ' 
 
 If you were only an engineer like me you would 
 remember that gas is always measured in cubic feet. 
 
 Ants resemble humans in many ways. They keep 
 cows, which, strangely enough, ikey don't call cows 
 at all, but aphids ; and they store food over the winter 
 in their nests and they even have thieving ants that 
 steal their food. 
 
 One thing they lack is musical comedy and the 
 reason for its absence has recently been ascertained by 
 one of our investigators after an enormous expenditure 
 of time and labor. Our representative, after long and 
 exhaustive researches, discovered that ants have six 
 legs, so he went to a musical show and tried to imagine 
 it played by ants. In ten minutes his eyes toed in 
 like a prize bull dog and that undoubtedly explains 
 the absence of the histrio-terpsicho-musical art among 
 the Formicae. 
 
THE 1915 FOOTBALL TEAM 
 
 Good Captain Alec Wilson says as Champs our team 
 
 was nix ; 
 It hadn't any polish and it hadn't any tricks ; 
 It was lacking in deception ; why, it really seems a 
 
 sin 
 To call a team a champion that knew but how to win. 
 
 And dear old Charley Brickley could not approve our 
 
 claim ; 
 The team used no deception and its tricks were sadly 
 
 tame. 
 It was woeful weak in polish and its wiles were all too 
 
 thin- 
 In fact it did but one thing well. (Tho that one thing 
 
 was win.) 
 
 Well, perhaps we had no polish and perhaps our tricks 
 
 were stale 
 And it may be that we didn't play the game like dear 
 
 old Yale ; 
 
 BUT 
 
 Did you notice thru the Fall, as the scores were com- 
 ing in 
 
 That tho we lacked those polished tricks we never 
 failed to win ? 
 
 There was once a political chump, 
 Who lost both his legs in a jump. 
 He couldn't give much. 
 Of a speech from a crutch. 
 So he did all his work on the stump. 
 
PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT 
 
 I met a girl 
 
 Whose eyes were stars ; 
 
 Whose papa owned 
 
 Three motor cars. 
 
 She said I'd better 
 
 Call some night. 
 
 And I replied : 
 
 " Perhaps you're right ! " 
 
 I called and said 
 
 I loved her heaps, 
 
 And offered her 
 
 Myself for keeps. 
 
 I promised that 
 
 We'd never fight. 
 
 She softly sighed : 
 
 " Perhaps you're right ! " 
 
 Her Pa came in 
 And smiled at her. 
 Said he, " You'll get 
 Ten thousand per. 
 You see, young man, 
 I'm not so tight.'' 
 And so I said : 
 " Perhaps you're right ! " 
 
 When this you've read 
 
 Perhaps you'll say. 
 
 It couldn't happen 
 
 In this day ; 
 
 That I just dreamed it 
 
 In the night. 
 
 So I'll admit : 
 
 " Perhaps you're right ! " 
 
EATING PLACES 
 
 A " Cat' " is a place to eat at, a restaurant is a place 
 to dine at and a ' ' Dog " is a place — not to eat at ! 
 
 A " Caf " is a place where you go in, pick up a tray 
 and a knife, fork and teaspoon, walk over to the 
 counter where the food is all spread out and then decide 
 to eat soup, nut croquets, pie and salad. So you go 
 back and exchange your teaspoon and knife for a 
 couple more forks and a soup spoon. Then just as 
 you start to sit down the cashier yanks you back and 
 separates you from twenty-seven cents. 
 
 When you escape him you go in and find a table 
 somewhere and sit down and eat. 
 
 And then you wish that you had taken meat, potato 
 and ice cream, as you first intended. 
 
 Restaurants may be distinguished from the other 
 two types of eating places by the palms that will 
 always be found in such establishments. These will 
 be found in hardy profusion, some growing in pots 
 and outstretched over the tables or screening the 
 musicians and others growing on waiters and out- 
 stretched over the tables, gleaning the wherewithal. 
 
 Owing to the fact that we have a lady compositor 
 we are compelled to omit most of our remarks anent 
 " Dogs," but we will quote what the Bible says about 
 them. It says "If you eat at a ' Dog' be wary, or 
 tomorrow you die ! ' ' 
 
 We went down to the Star to see the show. 
 
 From seats in X the girls looked good, and so 
 
 " Between the halves" we thought we'd change our 
 
 seats. 
 But when we saw them from the second row. 
 Goo' By ! 
 23 
 
THOUGHTS ON PARTING FROM A SUMMER 
 
 GIRL 
 
 The heavy clouds that darken all the sky 
 Obscure the fury of the somber sea ; 
 But darker are the shadows in my heart — 
 The summer's past and I am leaving B. 
 
 The growing tempest whips the sea to foam, 
 The angry storm-god shrieks aloud in glee ; 
 But tho a wild storm rages in my heart 
 'Tis little hindrance to the Fates's decree. 
 
 Shoreward the bounding billows madly roll, 
 The screaming seagulls swiftly cliffward flee. 
 Frail fishing craft turn and put back towards home ; 
 And I ? Why, I, tonight, must part from B ! 
 
 Ere long the clouds will break, the wind will die, 
 And soon the sea will smooth and tranquil be. 
 And tho from B I soon must part for aye, 
 I think I can console myself with C. 
 
 The rushee at the Eata Bita Pi's 
 
 Was thinking " Here's a bunch that's just my size." 
 But overheard ' ' Twelve years, ten f rosh a year 
 Will lift the mortgage from our house, you guys." 
 Goo' By ! 
 
 Fi Delta Flush were, to a man, for Piet ; 
 He was a famous Danish " athalete " 
 A telegram had said. But next they heard 
 " Not Danish, Spanish ; just a plain deadbeat ! 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 24 
 
IL DRUMERO 
 
 Just take a slant at the drummer, boys, 
 
 And watch him wabble the stick. 
 
 His figure's becoming for one doing drumming. 
 
 And Oswald, he does it some slick. 
 
 He puts the go in the dancing, 
 
 Without him the movies are dead ; 
 
 Altho the act's bum, he's there with the drum 
 
 When the trapeezer lights on his head. 
 
 The drummer is very resourceful ; 
 
 He practices most every morn. 
 
 It don't get his goat to play a foot-note — 
 
 He does it upon a shoe-horn. 
 
 He bangs the bells in the funeral scene, 
 And gladsomely wallops the snare, 
 When Count DecoUe reviews for Pathe 
 The annual AUentown Fair. 
 
 Then blithely he toots on his honker 
 For the vaudeville automobile. 
 If he didn't do so you never would know 
 That the thing was supposed to be real. 
 
 He blows the siren for storm scenes 
 
 And jingles some shot for the rain. 
 
 He makes water swish with some beans in a dish 
 
 And toots for the onrushing train. 
 
 His mind is a mighty maize marvel. 
 
 Does he train for his work ? Yes, my lord. 
 
 The time he's not drumming he spends not by 
 
 bumming 
 But in driving a second hand Ford. 
 25 
 
'TWAS EVER THUS 
 
 For a time I rather liked the girl. To be sure, she 
 was a bit, so to speak, informal, but I really rather 
 liked her. 
 
 One night we were talking. I mentioned the thea- 
 tre and then — Goo' Bye ! 
 
 She told me about a Frosh who used to take her to 
 a good show every time there was a dance, because 
 he didn't care for dancing. 
 
 I remarked that I didn't care for either theatres or 
 dancing. Fortunately it was dark in the room, so 
 she could not look me in the eyes. 
 
 But I did not escape so lightly. There was another 
 Frosh who used to take her out riding in his car ; and 
 another who used to take her to the hotel for dinner ; 
 and another Frosh — and another — 
 
 And then : ' ' You know, / like Frosh ! And be- 
 sides, they're only Frosh for a little while. I don't see 
 why the men are ashamed of being Freshmen." 
 
 I agreed. "Neither do I," I told her ; " In fact I 
 ^zs proud of it when I was a Frosh." 
 
 She started. " Was?" she queried. " Was a 
 Frosh ? Why, /thought you was a Frosh now ! " 
 
 ?jc P^ 7^ *fc .^ ^jc yfi p^ ^|C ^ ijc ?p i|C ^fC *^ *^ 
 
 So now one less Senior lingers 'round the stage door 
 of the "Five and Ten" at ten o'clock on Saturday 
 nights. 
 
 Two rivals, who my sister long adored ; 
 One bought a car — I thought that he had scored 
 A victory. But when he brought the car around 
 'Twas not a car — 'twas but an ancient Ford. 
 Goo' Bye! 
 26 
 
IN A FOREIGN PORT 
 
 "Ah ! cold and gray was the misty bay, 
 And a dank wind stirred the sea, 
 And I looked away o'er the misty bay 
 And my heart was a stone in me. 
 
 As I gazed on the gray, cold, misty bay, 
 
 My heart was leaden in me. 
 
 From the misty bay I sailed away 
 And I sailed away to sea ; 
 And she would not say, ere I sailed away 
 That she had any love for me. 
 
 When I bade her good bye she would not say 
 
 One word of hope for me." 
 
 ' ' And how then, pray, are you so gay, 
 Since your love is o'er the sea ? 
 Your tale is sad but your eyes are gay 
 As you sing your chantey to me. 
 
 Your eyes so gray are very gay, 
 As you sing your song to me.''' 
 
 " I vowed that day as I sailed away. 
 That the sea my bride should be. 
 So I wed that day on the misty bay 
 And my bride was the restless sea. 
 
 So I took for a bride the waters gay 
 
 And my truelove is the sea." 
 
 27 
 
ELECTRICITY 
 
 Electricity was shot into society about 1600 A. D., 
 although the ancients had a bowing acquaintance with 
 it several centuries before there was ushered in this 
 Christian era of peace (in Chautauqua) and prosperity 
 (among the undertakers). 
 
 Probably one reason that the phenomena of electri- 
 city were not understood at an earlier date is because, 
 although the old Greeks knew that when they rubbed 
 a cat's fur the wrong way they got sparks, they also 
 realized that they got scratches and they paid more 
 attention to the scratches than the sparks. It re- 
 mained for later scientists to skin the cat first and 
 thus, by removing the fur from the vicinity of the 
 fractious feline, to obviate the annoyance of abrasion 
 by the animal's claws during the experiment. 
 
 Electricity has done a great deal for civilization. 
 For instance it has given us the wireless telegraph and 
 trans-oceanic cables, which give us something to think 
 about by bringing conflicting reports of the war every 
 hour or so. Another way in which electricity has 
 made living pleasanter is by means of electrical house- 
 hold appliances. There are still several things to be 
 developed by future inventors in order to improve 
 things still more. One is a magnet attachment for 
 keyholes to aid in inserting the key in the early, 
 wobbly hours of the morning. If to this could be 
 added a silencer for climbing stairs with a woozy head 
 and four pairs of feet, what a boon it would be to 
 those of the midnight sons who are benedicts ! 
 
 28 
 
SOME JUNIOR! 
 
 I know a husky Junior 
 
 Who weighs one-ninety-five. 
 
 He's broad and tall and plays football, 
 
 And eats prelims alive. 
 
 He's shot rhinos and tigers 
 
 In jungle dark and deep. 
 
 He's motor-biked and mountain-hiked 
 
 And bites bolts in his sleep. 
 
 He met a girl this summer 
 
 With angel eyes and hair, 
 
 And later on he called upon 
 
 The lady sweet and fair. 
 
 They sat out in the garden 
 
 In a four- foot-six-inch swing. 
 
 His little friend sat in one end 
 
 And he balanced the dog-goned thing. 
 
 With three-foot-six between them 
 
 They talked of books and themes ; 
 
 Then talked of art and remained apart 
 
 And ate some chocolate creams. 
 
 At ten P.M. he shook her hand 
 
 And breezed off like a fan. 
 
 That (Aint I right ?) 
 
 Was a strenuous night 
 
 For a great big college man ! 
 
 29 
 
MUSINGS OF MAY 
 
 Now's the time of varied visions 
 When Spring's smiled away her clouds ; 
 The Senior dreams of salaried missions, 
 Potent care his brow enshrouds. 
 
 Juniors dream of next year's blazers, 
 Summer smiles and sullied scenes ; 
 Upper lips and rusty razors ; 
 Silken scarfs of sundry sheens. 
 
 Sophomores visualize their bearing 
 When as upperclassmen they'll be known. 
 Grave expressions they'll be wearing — 
 By dignity one's rank is shown. 
 
 And the Freshmen — are they musing 
 Of their Sophomore doings rash ? 
 No, they're youthfully efEusing — 
 Soon those caps will be but ash. 
 
 Gladys, (her father owns a city bank,) 
 Gladys, who ' ' knew her dear boy never drank ! ' ' 
 Walked by the Dutch with me in Junior Week, 
 And " Red "—the fool-hollered " Hello, old tank ! " 
 Goo' By ! 
 
 Altho the last day of the term was near 
 My mail I opened without any fear ; 
 A slip fell out. " A check " thought I, but soon 
 I found the check was on my school career. 
 Goo' By ! 
 
 30 
 
THE YELLOW SLIP 
 
 When I was young and very small 
 
 And tender as could be, 
 
 My father took me on his lap 
 
 And chortled thus to me : 
 
 ' ' When you get big and learn to read 
 
 Remember this, be sure ! 
 
 There's nothing quite so harmful 
 
 As yellow literature." 
 
 So now I am a colleger 
 
 I am not led astray. 
 
 I've been as straight as father was ; 
 
 'Twas only yesterday 
 
 I got a pretty yellow slip. 
 
 And burned it up,— why sure ! 
 
 I never have acquired a taste 
 
 For yellow literature. 
 
 She was not young and yet .she was not old ; 
 Her smile alluring was, yet not too bold. 
 She almost had me roped and tied. But when 
 She laughed she showed too many teeth of gold ! 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 
 If medicines make people well, 
 (They sometimes do, I'm sure,)- 
 
 The question then arises : 
 What could a manicure ? 
 
 31 
 
THE ORNITHORHYNCUS 
 
 This animal was one of the last little birds created. 
 It looks like a 'possum at a masquerade, quacks like 
 a duck and swims like an otter. 
 
 It was made by an amateur. Along towards the 
 end of creation Jupiter fell asleep on the job and Bac- 
 chus came staggering along and. saw a few remnants 
 lying around. He picked up a hairy body, unsteadily 
 attached a duck's bill, a pelican's pouch and four 
 webbed feet, and put it down on the ground and undu- 
 lated away. 
 
 When Jupiter woke up and saw it he thought he 
 had done it in his sleep and (since he was a little 
 ashamed of the job) he tucked it away in a corner of 
 Australia, where it stayed hidden for several thousand 
 years. 
 
 When this little spaniel has a brood of kittens they 
 are a litter of eggs. And when it sets on them it 
 stands up and carries them around in the pouch that 
 Bacchus so thoughtfully provided. 
 
 If hens would only carry their eggs about with them 
 that way, they would have time to scratch up twice 
 as many gardens and thus increase their efficiency one 
 hundred per cent. 
 
 All of which, (of course) merely goes to show what 
 wonderful inspiration we may get from " Wine, wine, 
 wine, red wine ! " 
 
 A stude who came over from Rome 
 Invented a toothless comb. 
 
 "Aha," said the Dean, 
 
 " The boy has some bean, 
 A regular Sibley Dome. ' ' 
 32 
 
THE NEW WAGON 
 
 Our new motor car's a pippen. 
 
 It's a 1916 model. 
 
 Oh, I guess we're keeping up with Father Time. 
 
 It has splash illumination. 
 
 And jump-spark jubilation, 
 
 And the tires are lined with fulminate of lime. 
 
 We have almost-floating axles 
 
 Makes her ride extremely easy. 
 
 And the shock divorcers separate the jolts. 
 
 We've an asthma carburetor 
 
 And a water percolater 
 
 Which is fastened to the tank with nickle bolts. 
 
 Now the engine's quite a wonder 
 To the eyes of a physician. 
 
 When she hits upon all twelve she's not so worse. 
 She has sanitary gearing 
 Whose wierd sounds astound the hearing. 
 She's equipped with three speeds horrid and 
 perverse. 
 
 Extra seats are disappearing. 
 
 Makes her look so very roomy, 
 
 When those straight back seats are flat and can't 
 
 be seen 
 But its late, you must remember 
 We'll keep this until September 
 When we'll swap it in and get a ' 17. 
 
 Father came home a trifle lit, I fear 
 And Mother stamped her foot and said, " lyook here ;: 
 " You make a fine example for your son ! " 
 Pa said, " Jush warnin'; notexshamp' m' dear.', 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 33 
 
EXCERPTS FROM A LECTURE ON PROFANITY 
 
 By Prof. Imas Wearer, Hon. Fel. S.P.P. 
 
 I am before you tonight, gentlemen, to speak in be- 
 half of a much mentioned but seldom thought of sub- 
 ject, and one, withall, misunderstood and overmuch 
 abused. My topic this evening is the economic signi- 
 ficance of profanity and I sincerely trust that I may 
 be able to disabuse the minds of any of my hearers 
 of any false impression of the subject which they may 
 now have. The beauty of profanity is now fairly well 
 understood and is so widely accepted as a fact that it 
 needs no apologist today, but the usefulness of impre- 
 cation is a phase of the matter that has received far 
 too little attention. 
 
 ' ' Let me repeat : profanity has an economic value 
 that has been far too little appreciated by the careless 
 youth of the present generation. 
 
 ' ' Perhaps a few homely examples will serve to il- 
 lustrate my point. 
 
 ' ' Many a tennis racket has been broken by a clumsy 
 owner, irate at his own ineptness, but consider how 
 many have been saved, a bit of Billingsgate serving as 
 a vent for the angered owner's spleen. 
 
 ' ' Then, too, there are numberless unrealized possi- 
 bilities. Many a virgin field is merely awaiting the 
 inspiration of a master mind to open up an unlimited 
 vista of opportunity for anathematization. 
 
 ' ' Suppose that girls should rap out an oath, upon 
 occasion, instead of bursting into tears. What a sav- 
 ing there would result in powder, handkerchiefs and 
 time ! 
 
 34 
 
' ' Is this not an end well worth working for ? 
 
 " If enough interest is shown a local chapter of the 
 national Society for the Propagation of Profanity will 
 be organized. Eligibility to membership as an Asso- 
 ciate rests upon no more than a declaration of a de- 
 sire for proficiency in profanity, but higher ranks de- 
 pend upon achievement, the grade of Execrator Ex- 
 traordinary being attainable only upon the discovery 
 and development of a new imprecation. 
 
 ' ' I now wish to thank you all for your careful at- 
 tention and trust that you have gained something by 
 it. Any questions will be cheerfully answered in the 
 informal discussion which we hope will now ensue. 
 
 AINT IT A FACT ? 
 
 When I foist got an intro to Arthur 
 
 I fell fer him softer than hay. 
 Say goils I fought he was spifEy 
 
 He had such an elegant way. 
 
 His arm was so heavy and husky 
 
 When he steered me around to de show 
 
 An' he always remembered de popcorn ; 
 He's a regular prince wid de dough. 
 
 His fussin' was up to de minute 
 
 An' his duds they was always top-notch. 
 Why, goils I was crazy 'bout Arthur 
 
 'Till I seen that he wore a wrist watch. 
 
 35 
 
LOVE KNOWS NO NIGHT 
 
 Over on the far hill the sombre shadows deepen ; 
 
 Softly on the near hill the sunset's red glow falls. 
 Weary up the far hill a lone wayfarer stumbles ; 
 
 Cheery on the near hill a mating songbird calls 
 And greets eve with melodious delight. 
 
 Over on the far hill the evening shadows lengthen ; 
 
 Softly on the near hill the tender twilight falls. 
 Weary on the far hill the lone wayfarer slumbers ; 
 
 Here upon the near hill the songster calls, still calls, 
 lyoud rings the vibrant voice; I,ove knows no night. 
 
 DEATH IN THE DESERT 
 
 Behind the barren hills the sullen sun 
 Sinks slowly from the sight of screaming Death, 
 I<one-lying on the desert's thirsty path, 
 Mocked by thin Judas-clouds of rainless dun. 
 The Wanderer, his thread of life nigh spun, 
 Choking and gasping, with his last weak breath 
 Cries to the God in whom he has no faith. 
 Fearing to feel his little day is done. 
 
 Above, a buzzard wheels on lazy wing. 
 In slow, unhurried, patient watchfulness, 
 Knowing full well the pitiful mad Thing 
 But little longer to his life can cling. 
 
 The clicking shutter's pause ends his distress ; 
 'Twas but a movie, called " The Wilderness." 
 
 36 
 
THE GIRL IN THE CASE 
 
 A cadetlet left for Mexico ; 
 
 His sweetheart saw him start. 
 
 " You take my picture, John," said she, 
 
 " And wear it next your heart. 
 
 " 'Twill stop those horrid bullets 
 
 That tear one all apart." 
 
 So the freshman took his IngersoU 
 And opened up the case, 
 And when the guarantee ran out 
 The picture took its place. 
 
 He took it into battle once 
 And wore it next his Skotch ; 
 But instead of stopping bullets. 
 That picture stopped the watch. 
 
 The 'phone girl's voice was sweet. Her name was 
 
 Grace 
 She said, as she demurely named the place 
 And hour for a date. With beating heart 
 I kept the tryst. But when I saw her face. 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 
 I strolled into the theatre one day ; 
 A sign, " Mantell in ' Hamlet' " showed the way. 
 I took my seat, the curtain rose, and then 
 I found 'twas only movies of the play. 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 
 37 
 
ALUMNI 
 
 Alumni comes from aluminum, meaning something 
 very light, but yet pretty hard. That is, the word 
 does. The objects to which it is applied come from 
 Pittsburg, Chicago, Grand Rapids and several well- 
 known cities. Aluminum is a name given to various 
 utensils of culinary warefare in which something is 
 stewed. The French tell us we have many misap- 
 plied words. 
 
 A great many seniors come back. Some do not 
 entertain a desire so to proceed, while others fondly 
 slip their families the coy impression that they have to 
 make Ithaca on their business trip. Those who desire 
 to return do not stay for Summer School. 
 
 Conversely, those who come to Summer School are 
 school teachers. Yes, conversely is the word. One 
 conversed with us last season for three hours and 
 seven sundaes on the subject of the proposed applica- 
 tion of logical sequence to the pedagogical procedure 
 pertaining to instruction in colloquial cosmetics. She 
 was a pure theorist however. She just daubed 'em on. 
 
 Being an alumnux is a sad depressing job. You are 
 always wishing for the good old days which were the 
 best of your life and now that you are out in the cold 
 world and receiving a substantial subsequence every 
 Saturday night you can truly realize the aesthetic joy 
 of the old days when you found it necessary to hock 
 your only chronometer in order to raise the collateral 
 for a couple of clean collars. Realizing these things, 
 you fall for the life secretary's idea of coming back 
 
 38 
 
disguised as successful business men and renew the 
 gladsome gaiety of yore, wherein you have such an 
 enviable time as to instil in the resolvers of every un- 
 dergrad the firm resolve to come back to his first 
 reunion. 
 
 TRAUMEREI 
 
 lyong, long ago I met you, 
 But how short the time has seemed ! 
 How I've striven to forget you, 
 But how oft of you I've dreamed ! 
 
 Your slender hands I can't forget ; 
 I know their every gesture well. 
 Fond memory holds for me yet 
 Your voice so clear, so like a bell. 
 
 Ah, swiftly do the days go by. 
 The months and years roll on apace. 
 But though I try and try and try 
 I can't forget your smiling face. 
 
 I can't forget you. Not at all. 
 I cannot now, I could not then, 
 I often think I hear you call 
 At seven-forty-five, Big Ben. 
 
 39 
 
SENTIMENT 
 
 Adam started it. 
 
 When Adam periscoped Eve, he remarked : " Kid, 
 you're the only woman in the world for me." 
 
 Right there is where Adam ran his trawler into a 
 submarine mine. Say, do you think for a minute Eve 
 didn't know she was the only woman ? Can you so 
 cause your imagination to be elongated as to for one- 
 twenty-fifth of a second present to your subconscious 
 vision a mental picture thereof ? 
 
 Like a canine with rose-metal legs can overtake an 
 asbestos feline on Main Street, Gehena, you cannot. 
 Eve was wise. 
 
 In fact she admitted it and at once began wearing 
 her hair up. Perhaps this is why sentiment is always 
 connected with the fair sex. The fair sex to which 
 sentiment is associated may be classed in three types. 
 
 The first type was made from a rib and had its sole 
 representative in Mrs. Adam. 
 
 The second type is made from a pen by Henry 
 Bungalo and Under Standlaws. These are merely 
 pictures and are quite useful in showing the American 
 girl how to hold her nose when being kissed bj' a 
 gentleman wearing Glueit Freebodj^ collars. 
 
 The third type is made on a typewriter by Robert 
 W. Chambers. This last method seems to show the 
 wonderful progress of our civilization ; the cost of 
 production must have been reduced by quantity out- 
 put. Robert considers a modern story quite meagrely 
 plummed without six or seven of this model. 
 
 Sentiment led to marriage. 
 
 40 
 
Recognizing the trend of the times. The Speonk 
 Daily Clarion last year had a plate made which is 
 worded as follows, and saves lots of time by merely 
 making it necessary to insert the names of senti- 
 mentees;: 
 
 ' ' The pretty and life-long romance of 
 
 and which has been a constant reminder 
 
 of the sweet innocence of lyove in our midst, ter- 
 minated last afternoon when the Rev. 
 
 joined them with the joints of sacred 
 
 matrimony at the church. The bride is one 
 
 of Speonk' s fairest belles and has been very popular 
 
 in society here for years. She wore a gown of 
 
 over trimmed with and carried 
 
 blossoms and was attended by— who wore 
 
 over trimmed with and carried 
 
 blossoms. The groom is the son of Mr. and 
 
 Mrs. and is employed by in the im- 
 portant capacity of and was attended by 
 
 whom he presented with of the first 
 
 water. On their return from an extensive honeymoon 
 
 to New Jersey, the happy couple will reside 
 
 at . The Speonk Daily Clarion extends to 
 
 them as it has to many couples before them and will 
 to many after them if certain citizens of this city pay 
 for their last year's subscription a most hearty senti- 
 ment of cooperation and congratulation. God bless 
 them while they are happy ! " 
 
 As the editor of the Clarion was telling us, modern 
 methods tend toward the destruction of one's linen 
 and the production of efficiency. Now with that plate 
 all his typesetter has to do is ask a few questions over 
 
 41 
 
the phone and stick in a line or so and there you have 
 half a column of Hymenal all written and set up. 
 Then too there is no jealousy aroused by one couple 
 getting a smoother write-up than another. 
 
 All of which reminds us of the chief exponent of 
 Kaiseritis in our bachelor's club who sums up the 
 matter in the stolid concisity peculiar to his species : 
 
 " If you ain't married, you always can, but if you 
 have you can't never didn't." 
 
 COAXING THE MUSE 
 
 It is not hard to write in rhyme, 
 I always find it simple. 
 For rhyme, you see, rhymes well with time 
 And simple rhymes with dimple. 
 There's nothing to it ! 
 
 Thus could I rave on by the yard, 
 A-rhyming and a-rhyming. 
 I do not find it a tall hard ; 
 lyook, rhyming rhymes with climbing. 
 A cinch to do it. 
 
 Of course the difificultest part 
 Is finding what to write on, 
 But after one once gets a start. 
 One then can write right, right on ! 
 It's done ! I knew it. 
 
 42 
 
SEPTEMBER 
 
 A week ago we packed our grip 
 
 And bid a fond farewell 
 
 To the cutely comely queen 
 
 Of that sylvan summer scene, 
 
 Where the lucre loving hotel keepers dwell. 
 
 And we told her that last day 
 
 How it hurt to break away ; 
 
 How it put our palpitator on the rack. 
 
 But altho we said we hated 
 
 For learning to be slated, 
 
 You can bet your life we're mighty glad we're back. 
 
 Season's busy in the stores; 
 
 Even polished up their doors. 
 
 I/Ovely welcome signs are hanging on the wall. 
 
 On business keenly bent, 
 
 Clothes reduced up ten per cent, 
 
 And the studes will buy the stuff because its Fall. 
 
 They will talk about our boys 
 
 As the cause of supernoise 
 
 But they notice when we're gone it's rather slack. 
 
 And from the Stewart Avenue car 
 
 To the front row in the Star 
 
 You can bet your life they're mighty glad we're back. 
 
 A prof who was studying microbes 
 Invented a brand new caste ; 
 He christened 'em SLIDERULERIA, 
 They multiplied so fast. 
 
 43 
 
THE COMPETITOR 
 
 The Competitor is busy, he's busy all the time, 
 He hardly gets a chance to breathe or eat ; 
 He has no time for fun, but must write a funny rhyme 
 Or dispose of Season Tickets on the street. 
 
 He must go out after ads, he must act as water boy. 
 Or beg old clothes for our C. U. C. A. 
 He's a busy, busy lad — has no time to think of joy ; 
 For he's at it every minute every day. 
 
 Yes, the Compets surely have a merry, merry life, 
 And a hurried, varied life they all must lead ; 
 The Star is not for them ; every day is full of strife. 
 Yes, a worried, harried life they lead, indeed. 
 
 A damsel in a dancehall caught my eye ; 
 As graceful as a nymph she glided by. 
 I made a date. But when the dance was o'er 
 I found she'd gone off with another guy. 
 Goo^ Bye ! 
 
 My deadly rival went away one night. 
 " Out of the way " I thought. But was I right ? 
 We soon found out he'd gone away to war 
 And won a dozen medals in some fight. 
 Goo' Bye ! 
 
 44 
 
MOTION PICTURES 
 
 While moving pictures were invented but a short time 
 ago even now the identity of the inventor is shrouded 
 in the mists of obliviscence. Some people ascribe the 
 invention to Edison ; others think that Providence 
 engineered the deal ; and there are not a few who give 
 the credit to no less a personage than his Satanic 
 Majesty, himself. 
 
 Consider the many educational advantages that the 
 movies offer. You can learn how to rob a bank, make 
 love to a maid, a wife or a widow, (sod, grass or col- 
 lege), or how to catch a thief or a murder. Also 
 whether soup is being eaten with a spoon or a straw 
 at the most haut ton church teas, what style collar to 
 wear at a dance or a hanging and other bits of learn- 
 ing and etiquette, too numerable to enumerate. 
 
 Here, for instance, is an example of "how to be- 
 have," culled from the movies. 
 
 You are down and out ; haggard, worn, starving. 
 You are sleeping in the streets, barely able to keep 
 body and soul together. (Poor but honest stuff, you 
 know). 
 
 You are trying to decide whether there is more ef- 
 fort entailed in throwing yourself in front of a sub- 
 way express or off the bridge into the river. You 
 have just decided in favor of the subway because af- 
 ter you've jumped you can't change your mind. 
 
 You are slouching along towards the nearest sta- 
 tion when you see me. You don't recognize me be- 
 cause I am all gussied up in a silk hat, furlined coat, 
 ninety dollar suit and all the andsoforths. 
 
 45 
 
(That's all right, I know I haven't, but remember, 
 this is — or is it these are ? — the movies). 
 
 Fortunately I recognize you, hustle you into my 
 limousine, take you home, loan you a bunch of 
 clothes, a valet, a bite to eat and a nip to drink 
 and listen to your story. I have not forgotten the 
 time you slipped me the answer to the third prob- 
 lem in that Math, final and thus let me graduate 
 with my class and now that I have the opportunity I 
 am only too glad to show my gratitude in some material 
 way. 
 
 So justlikethat I offer you a ten thousand dollar 
 position in my office, and right here the ' ' how to be- 
 have " part comes in. Unless you are in the habit 
 of being fiat broke and having some one dangle 
 lucrative positions before your eyes, you will proba- 
 bly leap from your chair, throw your arms about my 
 neck and shout ' ' lead me to it " or some other quota- 
 tion from the classics. But if you are in the movies 
 you will not act in such indecorous haste or with 
 much unseemly impetuosity. No. I might even say 
 no, indeed, you will not. What is ten thousand to 
 you ? You will start up, then sink back in your chair; 
 open your mouth to speak several times ; and you will 
 close it as many times without uttering more than a 
 word or two. Meanwhile j'our face will be working 
 like the face of one being torn limb from limb on the 
 rack. After registering from six to twenty feet of 
 this terrific mental struggle you at last make your de- 
 cision. It has been quite evident that your resolution 
 to end your life was as nothing compared to this 
 momentous determination, so I am prepared to hear 
 
 46 
 
some dolorous resolve, some austere renunciation, 
 when you clench your fist and in a solemn written-in- 
 blood-and-sworn-to-secrecy manner you say, "Ye s — 
 I'll — do it." And you accept the position without 
 any unseemly haste or indecorous impetuosity. 
 
 Many people fear that the movies are going to drive 
 the " legit " out of business. But why fret ? If they 
 could only displace the orchestras so that we could 
 see them play instead of being forced to hear them, I 
 personally would not be a bit troubled by the change. 
 
 The other day I saw an educational film. It was a 
 very educational film. It was called "The I^ife of 
 Chopin." It was a fine film but the girl that played 
 the piano did not care for Chopin. When he was 
 writing his w. k. Funeral March she played " Tip- 
 per ary ;" and she played "There's a Little Spark 
 
 Still Burning," when he kicked in. I repeat, 
 
 it was a very educational film. 
 
 FRESH PAINT 
 
 The letter box was freshly daubed 
 And a sign revealed the fact 
 But the passers-by all had to try. 
 
 How fresh paint does attract. 
 
 A sign-painter' s working across the street. 
 His work is quite exact : 
 ' ' BuDHEizER Beer is Sold in Here. ' ' 
 How fresh paint does attract ! 
 
 As we sat in the corner behind the palms 
 I couldn't resist the act, 
 
 And I touched her hps with my — finger tips. 
 How fresh paint does attract ! 
 47 
 
THRU THE GOGGLES 
 
 You c'n spiel of yer jobs and yer drivin' in town, 
 But yuh dont wanter sling it tub me ; 
 I drove benzine buggies when youse guys was luggies. 
 I'm wise to de game, do you see. 
 
 Now I've woiked fer de boss sence he got his first car, 
 And I've pushed gas to lots of 'em since. 
 But the job of me life was when him and his wife 
 Took a joy ride what still makes me wince. 
 
 The son of de boss is a stude at Cornell 
 
 Where they pull a swell shin-dig each year. 
 
 So the young guy's papa says, "we'll take George 
 
 the car ; 
 We really dont need it down here." 
 
 'T was colder than Vanderbuilts' butler that week 
 When we drove the old buss up the State, 
 And when we pulls down in that Ithaca town 
 I swears I'll go back on a freight. 
 
 Slang's Palace Garage was filled up to the doors 
 But they said they could store the old ship ; 
 And I let me wheels slide as I stopped her inside 
 Just to show 'em some brakes that will grip. 
 
 48 
 
The boss and his wife goes on up the hill 
 To stay at the young feller's frat. 
 They leaves me alone and says they will phone 
 The place that they wanted me at. 
 
 I had just took my coat off and filled up with gas 
 When the manager yells out the door 
 " They want yer road louse at the Oui Busta house 
 At nine- hundred-twenty Kdgemoor." 
 
 They was breakfasts and tea-drinks and swary dansants 
 And I carted that gang to 'em all, 
 But that Oui Busta bunch had some elegant punch — 
 They kept it out back in the hall. 
 
 We takes in the Prom on the night of the Fifth 
 And they sticks there like brushes in glue, 
 And when we gets back to that Oui Busta shack 
 Thinks I : " By cheeses we're thru." 
 
 But just as I drops off me brake with a sigh 
 
 The bunch all comes out with a leap 
 
 And the chief of the sneaks says, " We'll go to the 
 
 Pekes 
 And dance while the chaps are asleep. ' ' 
 
 'Twas chilly up there in that ice- water breeze. 
 It even got tru me fur coat. 
 But I shivered in shame when I slanted a dame 
 With a little black string round her throat. 
 
 There's jobs where you chaperone ashes, me boys, 
 And jobs where you barber the grass. 
 But when a guy speaks of Cornell Junior Weeks 
 You tell him you're ready to pass. 
 
 49 
 
FORSAKEN, OR THE MAIDEN'S PRAYER 
 
 By Pellow-Stealer Pillbox. 
 
 Stars of the summer night, 
 Tell me. Ah, tell aright 
 Where is my love tonight ? 
 Thinks he of me ? 
 
 We had a date today, 
 But he phoned ' ' called away, ' ' 
 And would not even say 
 Where he must go. 
 
 The stars would not reply. 
 But had she asked me I 
 Would have said he was nigh — 
 Down town, maybe. 
 
 Had she looked in "The Dutch," 
 Or in some other such 
 Place, she would have been much 
 Surprised, I know. 
 
 I possess a social roommate 
 Who is rather long and tall. 
 Last week he got gym credit 
 Without any work at all, 
 Swinging all the dumb belles 
 At the deaf mutes' ball. 
 
 50 
 
PRAISE BY PROXY 
 
 Fire my jaded brain, Beauty, inspire me ! 
 Must I desire in vain, I who desire thee ? 
 
 I would a paean sing, lauding one dear to me ; 
 
 But in my song should ring plaudits, sincere, to Thee. 
 
 When at her shrine I Bow, incense I burn to Thee 
 Wilt Thou not help me now, now as I turn to Thee ? 
 
 Guide my unskillful pen ; kindle a spark in me ! 
 Quickly shall beauty then, scatter the dark in me. 
 
 Thru her I worship Thee, Beauty. Attend my plea ; 
 Teach her to care for me. Make her will bend to me. 
 
 HISTORICAL 
 
 When I first saw this planet fair 
 No barber' d ever cut my hair. 
 And money gave me not a care. 
 But that was years ago. 
 
 Whene'er I wanted anything, 
 I'd howl and yell until they'd bring 
 The thing I wanted — I was king. 
 But that was years ago. 
 
 A damsel fair once looked at me ; 
 "I'd like to kiss you, boy," said she. 
 I yelled " You can't ! " and turned to flee. 
 Gosh, that was years ago. 
 
 A man once told me I could write ; 
 He said my stuff showed promise — quite. 
 He saw my great career in sight. 
 And that was years ago ! 
 51 
 
MILKMEN 
 
 Milkman is the third person masculine singular for 
 the city poets' idea of a rural heroine, and the com- 
 mon, or garden variety is usually some singular mas- 
 culine. When, in the roseate riasma of Junior Week, 
 you forsake your cot of adiabatic comfort and plod 
 jovially down the mounting to meet Clarice on the 
 6:55 a. m. I^ehigh, you will see him, juggling his blue 
 white bottles to the tune of Tip-em-airy, just as if this 
 were not the day of days when the girl of girls would 
 arrive to spend four enchanted twenty-four hour days. 
 And to think that maybe he will juggle the milk that 
 but a short hour later will wander streamily down the 
 interior of her swan-like neck ! How dispoetic are 
 the things of commerce and milk peddling. 
 
 Yet he doesn't give a care, nor a whoop, but pursues 
 the arduous jooties of his perfession according to the 
 rules laid down by the American Amalgamation of 
 Milkmen. They are all about the same. Now you 
 take this affair that slings the juice de cou up on our 
 route — right here on Stewart Avenue, the Riverside 
 Drive of Ithaca. That fellow possesses neither fear 
 nor compassion. Sunday mornings, when all students 
 worthy of the epithet would fain remain entranced an 
 extra hour, that baneful youth leaves his wagon on 
 our corner and gleefully slings empty bottles at his 
 wire basket. Every once in a while he gets one in, 
 and being a person of small and modest needs, that is 
 sufficient encouragement to lead him to continue the 
 firing with all the optimism of a cadet corps squad 
 shooting wax bullets at clay pigeons. 
 
 52 
 
Cruel cynic, say you, that I should stoop to the 
 mercenary aim of getting space credit at the expense 
 of one who seirves me my breakfast elixir ? But not. 
 Being a coffee-totaler, I take my drinking water undi- 
 luted. I can't see this milky whey effect for drinking 
 purposes, and my avid aversion is neither new nor 
 recent. Why years and years ago Moses did a freight 
 job on some commandments, among which was a clause 
 aga,inst adulteration. Almost all the really learned 
 people, that is, the majority of us feel that the milk- 
 man's job aint what it uster be when Captain Noah 
 and Bill Borden fed the lacteal lucriment to the infan- 
 tile contingent of the second cabin, but anyhow they 
 defeated the prohibition bill in the House. 
 
 Uncle Joseph DeGroat was a prophet of note. 
 He could tell when t' would rain or would snow. 
 He could most always tell where to dig for a well. 
 And the way that the breezes would blow. 
 And up to the time when he cashed in his checks, 
 And into a pine box they rolled him, — 
 He knew to a minute the time he would die. 
 For the kind hearted sheriff had told him. 
 
 I thought I loved Ehza Jane McPhit 
 For she had looks and just a little wit. 
 But just when I was on proposing bent 
 I found Eliza could not cook a bit ! 
 Goo' Bye! 
 
 53 
 
A LAMENT 
 
 Jonah was the first submarine explorer 
 
 He used a whale for a scow ; 
 
 He staid under water for an hour and a quarter, — 
 
 But Joe aint livin' now. 
 
 Isaiah was the original aviator ; 
 
 In a firewagon made his bow. 
 
 On his very first try made Heaven on high, — 
 
 But Ise aint livin' now. 
 
 Hercules was pretty husky ; 
 
 Never got worried in a row. 
 
 It's pretty straight dope he'd make a white hope, — 
 
 But Herk aint livin' now. 
 
 Sir Launcelot was a bear with the spear. 
 He practiced on the cow. 
 
 He could split up a card clean across the back yard- 
 But lyaunce aint livin' now. 
 
 Napoleon Bonepart got into print 
 
 With his stunts against Moscow. 
 
 He could take it again with a thousand men, — 
 
 But Nap aint livin' now. 
 
 Pipe all dose guys what's went beyond — 
 Dey's roostin' on de shelf ! 
 Gee, it makes me blink when I stops to t'ink, 
 'Cause I aint feelin' well meself ! 
 
 54 
 
DEATH 
 
 Death was discovered by a man named Cain some 
 little time ago. And since his time no one has been 
 able completely to forget it. 
 
 Death is like electricity — everybody knows about it 
 but nobody understands it. 
 
 A great many people have found out about it but 
 they have been singularly uncommunicative after- 
 wards. Personally, our vote is in favor of being on 
 the outside looking in rather than being on the inside 
 looking out. 
 
 Most people take death very seriously. And (since 
 ' ' turn about is fair play ' ' ) death takes us all seri- 
 ously in the end. 
 
 Many of us are a little curious about the ' ' bourne 
 from which no mortal may return ' ' but we never let 
 our curiosity get the better of our judgment. 
 
 We are like Socrates. He, you remember, said 
 when they handed him the cup, " it will doubtless be 
 a very novel sensation, but gosh all hemlock, living is, 
 plenty novel enough for me. 
 
 DOLEFUL DEFINITIONS 
 
 Neutrality — That which one fights to maintaik' 
 and which is irretrievably lost as soon as one fights tO' 
 
 maintain it. 
 
 Defeat — The pin to prick the bubble of our self- 
 satisfaction. 
 
 55 
 
PSYCHOLOGY 
 
 Do you believe in spherical aberration ? 
 
 Say yes. 
 
 Then, Meagerly Informed, do you realize that you 
 do not know that such a thing exists ? Well you 
 don't. It may have been there when you last saw it 
 but because you cannot see it now it ain't there. See? 
 
 Psychology was discovered by a Grecian ox-cart 
 chauifeur one dark night while blithely speeding down 
 the Apian Parkway. His headlights ^went out as he 
 passed the new sewer excavation from the Troy laundry 
 and left him in total devoidment of light. 
 
 " Kappa lambda psi," he murmured, "alpha iota 
 sigma, zeta, zeta, delt." 
 
 And with these simple words, we have the modest, 
 yet self-confident theorem which has formed the mar- 
 velous basis of our modern science of the thinkorium. 
 The lowly chauffeur realized that without his lights 
 he could not see, and not seeing, things did not exist. 
 
 Proceeding on this basis he went forward to light 
 up. Upon holding a match in close proximity to the 
 place where the starboard ox was before the light 
 went out he received prompt physiological evidence 
 that with the advent of light objects again become 
 existant. This evidence he retained for some time 
 and carried in constantly with him wherever he went. 
 
 Thus was the corner stone laid to the eminent edi- 
 fice of elucidation on the formerly vague mystery as 
 to why we say " excuse me " to a prof and "eyes in 
 the boat " to a frosh when we bump into them, and 
 also why we do not elect the marvelous course if we 
 see it first. 
 
 56 
 
CAFETYRANNY CONFRONTED 
 
 It was indeed a tense moment, darnfit wasn't. J. 
 Rufus de Gree sat at a prominent table in the Casca- 
 dilla Cafeteria with a full meal contained snugly within 
 him, a check for thirty-eight cents on his tray and one 
 lonesome dime in his pocket, with which to cope with 
 the crisis. 
 
 But, as one civilian to another I ask you, did he 
 become the victim of idle fear ? Not so, comes the 
 suburban echo. On the contrary he rose with the 
 calm air of the accustomed diner and went back after 
 a plate of ice cream, receiving for same a check for 
 ten cents. 
 
 After peacefully assuming an outside boundary to 
 the ice cream he leisurely wandered out in a crowd, 
 paying his ten cent check and carrying the extra thirty- 
 eight center over to the Corner Book and collecting 
 on the same a " rite away" discount of five per cent. 
 And the next day he got on the front page of the Sun. 
 
 THE ONLY JUDGE 
 
 They say its foolish 
 
 To write to you, so many miles away 
 
 And long for your letters 
 
 When the town has beautious faces in profusion 
 
 That I lack in judgment. 
 
 But You, Dream in the Distance, 
 
 Do You call it foolish — or something sweeter ? 
 
 57 
 
THE TYPEWRITER 
 
 Behold the typewriter ! Is not its intricate 
 simplicity truly wonderful ? It is a universal neces- 
 sity : the pianoforte of the reporter ; the excuse for 
 having girls in many offices ; to paraphrase the late 
 Mr. J. Milton, who would not sing of typewriters ? 
 
 The typewriter is essentially a labor-saving device 
 but it may also be classed as a humanitarian institu- 
 tion. For while thousands of stenogs. are busy at 
 their machines they are kept from going to tango teas 
 and thus — . What's that? Saved from the destruc- 
 tive influence of the modern dances ? Not at all ! 
 Not a tall. They are kept away from the tango teas 
 and thus there is room for the rest of us to dance the 
 new stuff without getting stepped on so often. 
 
 I have a collapsible typewriter that cost me fifty 
 dollars, but father had one that was a lot more expen- 
 sive than that. His was collapsible, too. One day 
 when the mater came down to the office and found her 
 on dad's lap she collapsed all right. The office is 
 slowly recovering from the shock but it will never 
 look the same without her. 
 
 KISSING 
 
 Kissing is "the little boy's duty, the old man's 
 privilege and the young man's " — je ne sais quoi. 
 
 Kissing is like the tide — it is greatly influenced by 
 the moon. And also (like the tide) there is more of 
 it in some latitudes than in others. 
 
 The art of osculation is highly developed in this 
 country, but over the water they have extended the 
 art to a scope far beyond our wildest dreams. On the 
 
 58 
 
other side, even the men, when they meet, mingle 
 their mutton-chops in furious embrace ! 
 
 The kiss has been called ' ' the cherry in the cocktail 
 of love, ' ' but we have noticed that even in dry towns 
 we can usually get cherries. 
 
 And by the same token many a ringless maiden 
 possesses a prehensile pair of lips ! 
 
 IN THE DORM 
 
 He has hyphenated hair* and he wears a ' ' made ' ' 
 tie and round detachable cuffs. 
 
 He wears pegtop trousers and a baggy double 
 breasted coat, each as innocent of crease as guilty of 
 grease. 
 
 His shoulders are stooped and lopsided and he scufEs 
 when he walks. 
 
 He never speaks to me, altho his room adjoins mine 
 in the dormitory. 
 
 In the cafeteria he tucks his napkin under his collar 
 and eats ambidexterously. To see him in a death 
 grapple with a twelve-inch ear of corn or the neck of 
 a chicken is a sight for the gods — to avoid. 
 
 But he does not play ' ' Humoreske " on a six dollar 
 violin with a jitney touch, at eleven P. M., nor does 
 he borrow my shaving soap and leave it locked in his 
 room when I want it in a hurry. And he does not 
 borrow my good tobacco and hand out bum cigars in 
 return, nor does he entrench himself in my Morris 
 chair and recount ancient and shady anecdotes when I 
 am trying to write up a report. 
 
 So every day I praise the gods and little bluefish 
 that have given me such an agreeable neighbor. 
 * Parted in the middle. 
 
 59 
 
WHALES 
 
 The whale is a large animal that is very fond of the 
 water and spouts a lot. 
 
 (No, Therese, neither Wm. Jenny Brine nor Hon. 
 Jo. Dan. is whales. ) 
 
 The dead whale is highly prized for his blubber, 
 wherein he differs from the live child. To get blubber 
 from a whale, one paddles out and throws a harpoon 
 into him and then cuts him up. To get blubber from 
 
 a small boy one just paddles and 
 
 he is quite cut up. 
 
 Whale bone used to be largely used in corset-mak- 
 ing. But with the great advance in science, of late 
 years, has come remarkable progress in the making of 
 alloy steels of great strength and at present vanadium 
 or chrome steels are used to keep milady in shape. 
 
 The sperm whale has it over his bony brother in the 
 race for popularity. The sperm whale supplies 
 ambergris which is used as a base for many perfumes 
 and we can assure our readers on the best of authority 
 that the skunk is not due to supplant it for some time 
 to come. 
 
 CHRISTMAS ! it was a rough passage. Most of 
 the passengers were sick but Mrs. Malaprop had not 
 yet succumbed. However, the second dinner was too 
 much. "No thanks," said she as she started for the 
 rail, " no more salad, I am already full to depletion." 
 
 60 
 
THE STUDENTS LITANY 
 
 From the Prof, who delivereth lectures on lighting 
 and ventilation in close and dingy halls ; and' from 
 him who giveth an important note just as the hour 
 endeth; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From short vacations and long assignments ; yea, 
 and from triple cuts ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From the Prof, who pulleth ancient jokes and ex- 
 pecteth laughter ; and from the Prof, who pulleth no 
 jokes nor cracketh ever a smile ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From the Prof, who giveth out six problems, say- 
 ing ' ' Thou must needs but substitute in the formula 
 and turn the crank, and I,o, it is finished," and feign- 
 eth surprise when their completion consumeth seven 
 hours ; yea, from him who thinketh that all our time 
 is his ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From standardized jokes on the greenness of Frosh ; 
 and on the sophistication of Sophomores ; yea, from 
 customary comedy ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From the Prof, whomumbleth in his beard, facing 
 the wall ; yea, from him who talketh so low that it 
 profiteth only the Prof. ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 From the Prof, who detesteth a high mark and de- 
 lighteth in catch questions ; 
 
 Good Lord deliver us. 
 
 AMEN. 
 
 6i 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PS 3511.U59C8 
 
 Cornell scribblings, 
 
 3 1924 022 436 582 
 
Jftl**!.