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 Gulliver's travels, A tale of a tub, The 
 
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 THE BATTLE OE THE BOOKS 
 
 ETC. 
 
Oxjord University Press, Amen House, London E.C. 4 
 
 GLASGOW NEW YORK TORONTO MELBOURNE WELLINGTON 
 BOMBAY CALCUTTA MADRAS KARACHI CAPE TOWN IBADAN 
 
 Geoffrey Cumherkge, Publisher to the University 
 
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 ETC. 
 
 By 
 JONATHAN SWIFT 
 
 Geoffrey Cumberlege 
 OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS 
 
 LONDON NEW YOEK TORONTO 
 
This edition of Gulliver's Travels, A Tale of 
 a Tub, and The Battle of the Books, wa^ 
 first published in 1919, and reprinted in 1929, 
 1933, 1935, 193S, 1941, 1942, 1947, 1919, 
 1954, and 1956 
 
 3 7^^ 
 
 ^^d 
 
 PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN 
 O.S.A 
 
PREFATORY NOTE 
 
 Oulliver's Travels was originally published in 1726, 
 a second edition following in 1727. The text of both 
 these editions was badly treated by the publisher, 
 Benjamin Motte, and is not authoritative, although the 
 second, according to Swift's friend Charles Ford, ' is 
 much more correct than the first '. There is, however, 
 in the Forster Collection in the South Kensington 
 Museum, an interleaved copy of the first edition con- 
 taining Swift's full corrections copied into it by Ford. 
 Some of those, but not all, wore adopted by Motte in 
 the second edition, and others by the Dublin publisher 
 George Faulkner in his edition of 1735, issued in spite 
 of Swift's protests. The text followed here is substan- 
 tially that of the second edition, with the corrections 
 in Ford's interleaved copy. 
 
 A Tale of a Tub was first published in 1704, in one 
 volume with The Battle of the Books and The MecJianical 
 Operation of the Spirit. They wore issued by Swift to 
 help hia patron. Sir William Temple, in the contro- 
 versy then raging upon Ancient and Modern Learning. 
 Temple had introduced the subject to England in an 
 Essay (1692), upholding the superiority of the Ancients. 
 A reply supporting the Moderns was issued by William 
 Wotton in 1694. The controversy involved, among other 
 questions, that of the genuineness of the Letters of 
 Phalaris ; a new edition of which was now put forth 
 in 1695 (in support of Temple) by Charles Boyle, after- 
 wards fourth Earl of Orrery. Boylo in his preface 
 commented adversely upon the conduct of Dr. Bentley, 
 
vi PREFATORY NOTE 
 
 the librarian at St. James's, who had suddenly withdrawn 
 a manuscript of the Letters lent to Boyle for collation. 
 Bentley replied in 1697 with an appendix to the second 
 edition of Wotton's pamphlet, conclusively proving 
 the Letters to be spurious. 
 
 It was now that Swift came to the aid of Temple and 
 Boyle. The first three editions of A Tale of a Tub, dkc, 
 were published in 1704 ; the fourth in 1705. Wotton, 
 in A Defense of the Reflections upon Ancient and Modern 
 Learning, with Observations upon The Tale of a Tub 
 (1705), commented both on the whole book and on 
 certain special paragraphs. In the fiith edition (1710), 
 Swift replied to the general attack in the Apology, 
 prefixed to the text, and foiled the minor attacks by 
 printing Wotton's own remarks in the form of explana- 
 tory foot-notes. 
 
 The text of this reprint is based on that of the fifth 
 edition published in 1710. Together with the original 
 notes from this edition are given a few from Hawkes- 
 worth's edition of Swift's Works (1755-75) and from 
 Sir Walter Scott's (1814) ; these are marked respec- 
 tively with the initial H and S. 
 
 Two pieces, the Analytical Table and the History of 
 Martin, are given here for the sake of completeness, 
 although not certainly Swift's. They appeared first 
 in an edition of 1720, then in Nichols's edition of 1779, 
 and afterwards in Scott's and other modern reprints. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 TRAVELS INTO SEVERAL REMOTE NATIONS OF 
 THE WORLD 
 
 PAQB 
 
 A Letter from Captain Gulliver to his cousin Sympson . 3 
 
 The Publisher to the Reader ...... 8 
 
 Contents ......... 10 
 
 Parti. A Voyage to LiUiput 17 
 
 Part II. A Voyage to Brobdingnag .... 95 
 Part III. A Voyage to Laputa, Balnibarbi, Glubbdub- 
 
 drib, Luggnagg, and Japan 179 
 
 Part IV. A Voyage to the Country of the Houyhnhnms . 263 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 Analytical Table 359 
 
 An Apology 370 
 
 Postscript 385 
 
 Dedication to Lord Somers ...... 386 
 
 The Bookseller to the Reader 390 
 
 The Epistle Dedicatory to His Royal Highness Prince 
 
 Posterity 301 
 
 The Preface 398 
 
 A Tale of a Tub 409 
 
 The History of Martin 527 
 
 A Project for the Universal Benefit of Mankind . . 535 
 
 A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE FOUGHT 
 
 LAST FRIDAY BETWEEN THE ANCIENT AND 
 
 MODERN BOOKS 
 
 The Bookseller to the Reader 539 
 
 The Preface of the Author 540 
 
 The Battle of the Booka 541 
 
vlii CONTENTS 
 
 A DISCOURSE CONCERNING THE MECHANICAL 
 OPERATION OP THE SPIRIT, ETC. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Bookseller's Advertisoment ..... C74 
 The Meohanioal Operation of the Spirit .... 575 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote Nations 
 
 OF THE 
 
 WORLD. 
 
 In Four PARTS. 
 
 By LEMUEL CVLLIFER, 
 
 Firfl: a Surgeon, and then a Captain 
 of feveral SHIPS. 
 
 To which are prefixed. 
 
 Several Copies of V E R S E S Expla- 
 planatory and Commendatory ; never be- 
 fore printed. 
 
 Vol. I. 
 
 The Second Edition. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for Benj. Motte, af the Middle 
 Temple Gate in Fleet-ftreet. Mdccxxvii. 
 
A LETTER FROM CAPTAIN GULLIVER 
 TO HIS COUSIN SYMPSON^ 
 
 I HOPE you will be ready to own publicly, whenever 
 you shall be called to it, that by your great and frequent 
 urgency you prevailed on me to publish a very loose and 
 uncorrect account of my travels ; with direction to hire 
 some young gentlemen of either university to put them 
 in order, and correct the style, as my cousin Dampier did 
 by my advice, in his book called A Voyage round the 
 World. But I do not remember I gave you power to 
 consent that any thing should be omitted, and much 
 less that any thing should be inserted : therefore, as to 
 the latter, I do here renounce every thing of that kind ; 
 particularly a paragraph about her Majesty the late 
 Queen Anne, of most pious and glorious memory ; 
 although I did reverence and esteem her more than 
 any of human species. But you, or your interpolator, 
 ought to have considered, that as it was not my inclina- 
 tion, so was it not decent to praise any animal of our 
 composition before my master Houyhnhnm : and besides 
 the fact was altogether false ; for to my knowledge, 
 being in England during some part of her Majesty's 
 reign, she did govern by a chief minister ; nay, even by 
 two successively ; the first whereof was the Lord of 
 Grodolphin, and the second the Lord of Oxford ; so that 
 you have made me say the thing that was not. Likewise, 
 in the account of the Academy of Projectors, and several 
 passages of my discourse to my master Houyhnhnm, you 
 have either omitted some material circumstances, or 
 minced or changed them in such a manner, that I do 
 hardly know my own work. When I formerly hiuted to 
 
 ' From the edition of 1736. 
 B 2 
 
4 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 you Bomething of this in a letter, you were pleased to 
 answer that you were afraid of giving oflEence ; that 
 people in power were very watchful over the press, and 
 apt not only to interpret, but to punish every thing which 
 looked like an innuendo (as I think you called it). But 
 pray, how could that which I spoke so many years ago, 
 and at about five thousand leagues distance, in another 
 reign, be applied to any of the Yahoos who now are said 
 to govern the herd ; especially at a time when I little 
 thought on or feared the unhappiness of living under 
 them ? Have not I the most reason to complain, when 
 I see these very Yahoos carried by Houyhnhnms in 
 a vehicle, as if these were brutes, and those the rational 
 creatures ? And indeed, to avoid so monstrous and 
 detestable a sight was one principal motive of my 
 retirement hither. 
 
 Thus much I thought proper to tell you in relation to 
 yourself, and to the trust I reposed in you. 
 
 I do in the next place complain of my own great want 
 of judgement, in being prevailed upon by the entreaties 
 and false reasonings of you and some others, very much 
 against my own opinion, to sufier my travels to be pub- 
 lished. Pray bring to your mind how often I desired you 
 to consider, when you insisted on the motive of public 
 good ; that the Yahoos were a species of animals utterly 
 incapable of amendment by precepts or examples : and 
 so it hath proved ; for instead of seeing a full stop put 
 to all abuses and corruptions, at least in this little 
 island, as I had reason to expect : behold, after above 
 six months warning, I cannot learn that my book hath 
 produced one single efEect according to my intentions : 
 I desired you would let me know by a letter, when party 
 and faction were extinguished ; judges learned and 
 upright ; pleaders honest and modest, with some tincture 
 of common sense ; and Smithfield blazing with pyramids 
 
A LETTER FROM CAPTAIN GULLIVER 5 
 
 of law-books ; the young nobility's education entii-ely 
 changed ; the physicians banished ; the female Yahoos 
 abounding in virtue, honour, truth and good sense ; 
 courts and levees of great ministers thoroughly weeded 
 and swept ; wit, merit and learning rewarded ; all 
 disgracers of the press in prose and verse condemned 
 to eat nothing but their own cotton, and quench their 
 thirst with their own ink. These and a thousand other 
 reformations, I firmly counted upon by your encourage- 
 ment ; as indeed they were plainly deducible from the 
 precepts delivered in my book. And it must be owned 
 that seven months were a sufficient time to correct every 
 vice and folly to which Yahoos are subject, if their 
 natures had been capable of the least disposition to 
 virtue or wisdom : yet so far have you been from 
 answering my expectation in any of your letters, that 
 on the contrary you are loading our carrier every week 
 with libels, and keys, and reflections, and memoirs, and 
 second parts ; wherein I see myself accused of reflecting 
 upon great states-folk, of degrading human nature (for 
 so they have still the confidence to style it), and of 
 abusing the female sex. I find likewise that the writers 
 of those bundles are not agreed among themselves ; for 
 some of them will not allow me to be author of my 
 own travels ; and others make me author of books to 
 which I am wholly a stranger. 
 
 I find likewise that your printer hath been so careless 
 as to confound the times, and mistake the dates of my 
 several voyages and returns ; neither assigning the true 
 year, or the true month, or day of the month : and 
 I hear the original manuscript is all destroyed since 
 the publication of my book. Neither have I any copy 
 left : however I have sent you some corrections, which 
 you may insert, if ever there should be a second edition '. 
 and yet I cannot stand to them, but shall leave that 
 
e GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 matter to my judicious and candid readers, to adjust it 
 as they please. 
 
 I hear some of our sea-Yahoos find fault with my 
 sea-language, as not proper in many parts, nor now in use. 
 I cannot help it. In my first voyages, while I was young, 
 I was instructed by the oldest mariners, and learned to 
 speak as they did. But I have since found that the sea- 
 Yahoos are apt, like the land ones, to become new-fangled 
 in their words, which the latter change every year, 
 insomuch as I remember upon each return to my own 
 country their old dialect was so altered that I could 
 hardly understand the new. And I observe, when any 
 Yahoo comes from London out of curiosity to visit me 
 at my own house, we neither of us are able to deliver 
 our conceptions in a manner intelligible to the other. 
 
 If the censure of Yahoos could any way affect me, 
 I should have great reason to complain that some of 
 them are so bold as to think my book of travels a mere 
 fiction out of my own brain, and have gone so far as to 
 drop hints that the Houyhnhnms and Yahoos have no 
 more existence than the inhabitants of Utopia. 
 
 Indeed I must confess, that as to the people of Lilliput, 
 Brobdingrag (for so the word should have been spelt, and 
 not erroneously Brobdingnag), and Laputa, I have never 
 yet heard of any Yahoo so presumptuous as to dispute 
 their being, or the facts I have related concerning them ; 
 because the truth immediately strikes every reader with 
 conviction. And is there less probability in my account 
 of the Houyhnhnms or Yahoos, when it is manifest as to 
 the latter, there are so many thousands even in this city, 
 who only differ from their brother brutes in Houyhnhnm- 
 land, because they use a sort of a jabber, and do not go 
 naked ? I wrote for their amendment, and not their 
 approbation. The united praise of the whole race would 
 be of less consequence to ma than the neighing of those 
 
A LETTER FROM CAPTAIN GULLIVER 7 
 
 two degenerate Houyhnhnms I keep in my stable ; 
 because from these, degenerate as they are, I still improve 
 in some virtues, without any mixture of vice. 
 
 Do these miserable animals presume to think that 
 I am so far degenerated as to defend my veracity ? Yahoo 
 as I am, it is well known through all Houyhnhnm-land, 
 that by the instructions and example of my illustrious 
 master I was able in the compass of two years (although 
 I confess with the utmost difficulty) to remove that 
 infernal habit of lying, shuffling, deceiving, and equivo- 
 cating, so deeply rooted in the very souls of all my species, 
 especially the Europeans. 
 
 I have other complaints to make upon this vexatious 
 occasion ; but I forbear troubling myself or you any 
 further. I must freely confess, that since my last return 
 some corruptions of my Yahoo nature have revived in 
 me by conversing with a few of your species, and 
 particularly those of my own family, by an unavoidable 
 necessity ; else I should never have attempted so absurd 
 a project as that of reforming the Yahoo race in this 
 kingdom ; but I have now done with all such visionary 
 schemes for ever. 
 
 April 2, 1727. 
 
THE PUBLISHER TO THE READER 
 
 The author of these Travels, Mr. Lemuel Gulliver, is 
 my ancient and intimate friend ; there is likewise some 
 relation between us by the mother's side. About three 
 years ago Mr. Gulliver, growing weary of the concourse of 
 curious people coming to him at his house in RedrifE, 
 made a small purchase of land, with a convenient house, 
 near Newark in Nottinghamshire, his native country ; 
 where he now lives retired, yet in good esteem among his 
 neighbours. 
 
 Although Mr. Gulliver was born in Nottinghamshire, 
 where his father dwelt, yet I have heard him say his 
 family came from Oxfordshire ; to confirm which, 
 I have observed in the churchyard at Banbury, in that 
 county, several tombs and monuments of the GuUivers. 
 
 Before he quitted RedrifE, he left the custody of the 
 following papers in my hands, with the liberty to dispose 
 of them as I should think fit. I have carefully perused 
 them three times : the style is very plain and simple ; 
 and the only fault I find is, that the author, after the 
 manner of travellers, is a little too circumstantial. 
 There is an air of truth apparent through the whole ; 
 and indeed the author was so distinguished for his 
 veracity, that it became a sort of proverb among his 
 neighbours at RedrifE, when any one affirmed a thing, 
 to say it was as true as if Mr. Gulliver had spoke it. 
 
 By the advice of several worthy persons, to whom, 
 with the author's permission, I communicated these 
 papers, I now venture to send them into the world, 
 hoping they may be at least, for some time, a better 
 
THE PUBLISHER TO THE READER » 
 
 entertainment to our young noblemen than the common 
 scribbles of politics and party. 
 
 This volume would have been at least twice as large, 
 if I had not made bold to strike out innumerable passages 
 relating to the winds and tides, as well as to the variations 
 and bearings in the several voyages ; together with the 
 minute descriptions of the management of the ship in 
 storms, in the style of sailors : likewise the account of 
 the longitudes and latitudes ; wherein I have reason to 
 apprehend that Mr. Gulliver may be a little dissatisfied : 
 but I was resolved to fit the work as much as possible to 
 the general capacity of readers. However, if my own 
 ignorance in sea-affairs shall have led me to commit 
 some mistakes, I alone am answerable for them : and 
 if any traveller hath a curiosity to see the whole work 
 at large, as it came from the hand of the author, I shall 
 be ready to gratify him. 
 
 As for any further particulars relating to the author, 
 the reader will receive satisfaction from the first pages 
 of the book. 
 
 RICHARD SYMPSON. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PART I 
 
 A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 
 
 PAOB 
 
 Chap. L The Author gives some account of himself and fa/mily. 
 His first inducements to travel. He is shipwrecked, and 
 swims for his life, gets safe on shore in the country of Lilliput, 
 is made a prisoner, and carried up the country ... 17 
 
 Chap. II. The Emperor of Lilliput, attended by several of the 
 nobility, come to see the Author in his confinement. The 
 Emperor's person and habit described. Learned men ap- 
 pointed to teach the Author their language. He gains favour 
 by his mild disposition. His pockets are searched, and his 
 sword and pistols taken from him ..... 29 
 
 Chap. III. The Author diverts the Emperor and his nobility of 
 both sexes, in a very uncommon manner. The diversions of 
 the court of Lilliput described. The Author hath his liberty 
 granted him, upon certain conditions .... 40 
 
 Chap. IV. Mildendo the metropolis of Lilliput described, to- 
 gether with the Emperor's palace. A conversation between 
 the Author and a principal secretary, concerning the affairs 
 of that empire. The Author's offers to serve the Emperor in 
 his wars ......... 49 
 
 Chap. V. The Author, by an extraordinary stratagem, prevents 
 an invasion. A high title of honour is conferred upon him. 
 Ambassadors arrive from the Emperor of Blefv^cu and sue 
 for peace. The Empress's apartment on fire by an accident. 
 The Author instrumental in saving the rest of the palace . 55 
 
 Cbap. VL Of the inhabitants of Lilliput ; their learning, laws 
 and customs, tlut manner of educating their children. The 
 Author's way of living in that country. His vindication of 
 a great lady ......... 63 
 
 Chap. VII. The Author, being informed of a design to accuse 
 him of high-treason, makes his escape to Blefuscu. His 
 reception there ........ 78 
 
 Chap. VIII. The Author, by a lucky accident, finds means to 
 leave Blefuscu, and, after some difficulties, returns safe to his 
 native country •••..... 85 
 
CONTENTS 11 
 
 PART II 
 
 A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 
 
 FAGll 
 
 Chap. I. A great storm described ; the long-boat sent to fetch 
 water ; the Avihor goes with it to discover the country. He 
 is left on shore, is seized by one of the natives, and carried 
 to a farmer's house. His reception there, with several acci- 
 dents that happened there. A description of the inhabitants 9S 
 
 Chap. IL A description of the farmer's daughter. The Author 
 carried to a market-town, and then to the metropolis. The 
 particulars of his jourrtey ...... 109 
 
 Chap. III. Tlie Author sent for to court. The Queen buys him 
 of his master the farmer, and presents him to the King. He 
 disputes with his Majesty's great scholars. An apartment at 
 Court provided for the Author. He is in high favour with the 
 Queen. Be stands up for the honour of Ms own country. 
 His quarrels with the Queen's dwarf .... 116 
 
 Chap. IV. TJie country described. A proposal for correcting 
 modern maps. The King's palace, and some account of the 
 metropolis. The Author's way of travelling. The chief 
 temple described ........ 128 
 
 Chap. V. Several adventures that happened to the Author. The 
 execution of a criminal. The Author shows his skill in 
 navigation ......... 134 
 
 Chap. VI. Several contrivances of the Author to please tjie King 
 and Queen. He shows his skill in music. The King inquires 
 into the state of Europe, which the Author relates to him. 
 The King's observations thereon ..... 14S 
 
 Chap. VII. TAe Author's love of his country. He makes a pro- 
 posal of much advantage to the King, which is rejected. The 
 King's great ignorance in politics. The learning of that 
 country very imperfect and confined. The laws, and military 
 affairs, and parties in the State . -s. . . .155 
 
 Chap. VIII. The King and Queen make a progress to the fron- 
 tiers. The Author attends them. The manner in which he 
 leaves the country very particularly related. He returns to 
 England 163 
 
12 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 PART III 
 
 A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, BALNIBAKBI, LUGGNAGG, 
 GLUBBDUBDRIB, AND JAPAN 
 
 FAOB 
 
 Chap. I. The Avthor sets out on his third voyage, is taken hy 
 pirates. The malice of a Dutchman. His arrival at an 
 island. He is received into Lapvia . . . . ,179 
 
 Chap. II. The humours and dispositions of the Laputians de- 
 scribed. An account of their learning. Of the King and 
 his Court. The Avihor's reception there. The inhabitants 
 subject to fear and disquietudes. An account of the women . 186 
 
 Chap. IIL A phenomenon solved hy modern philosophy and 
 astronomy. The Laputians' great improvements in the 
 latter. The King's method of suppressing insurrections . 198 
 
 Chap. IV. The Author leaves Laputa ; is conveyed to Balni- 
 barbi, arrives at the metropolis. A description of the metro- 
 polis, and the country adjoining. The Author hospitably 
 received by a great Lord. His conversation with that Lord 205 
 
 Chap. V. The Author permitted to see the Grand Academy of 
 Lagado. The Academy largely described. The Arts wherein 
 the professors employ themselves ..... 212 
 
 Chap. VI. A further account of the Academy. The Author pro- 
 poses some improvements, which are honourably received . 222 
 
 Chap. VII. The Author leaves Lagado, arrives at Maldonada. 
 No ship ready. He takes a short voyage to Glvbbdubdrib. 
 His reception by the Oovernor ...... 229 
 
 Chap. VIII. A further account of Glubbdubdrih. Ancient and 
 
 modern history corrected. ...... 234 
 
 Chap. IX. The Author returns to Maldonada. Sails to the 
 kingdom of Luggnagg. The Author confined. He is sent for 
 to court. The manner of his admittance. The King's great 
 lenity to his subjects ....... 241 
 
 Chap. X. The Luggnaggians commended. A particular descrip- 
 tion of the Struldbrugs, with many conversations between the 
 Author and some eminent persons upon that subject , . 246 
 
 Chap. XL The Author leaves Luggnagg, and sails to Japan. 
 From thence he returns in a Dutch ship to Amsterdam, and 
 from Amsterdam to England ..... 259 
 
CONTENTS 13 
 
 PART IV 
 
 A VOYAGE TO THE COUNTRY OF THE HOUYHNHNMS 
 
 FAQB 
 
 Chap. I. The Avthor seta out as Captain of a ship. His men 
 conspire against him, confine him a long time to his cabin, 
 set him on shore in an unknown land. He travels up 
 in the country. The Yahoos, a strange sort of animal, de- 
 scribed. The Author meets two Houyhnhnms . . . 263 
 
 Chap. II. The Author conducted by a Houyhnhnm to his house. 
 The house described. The Author's reception. The food of 
 the Houyhnhnms. The Author in distress for want of meat, 
 is at last relieved. His manner of feeding in this country . 271 
 
 Chap. IIL The Author studious to learn the language ; the 
 Houyhnhnm his master assists in teaching him. The lan- 
 guage described. Several Houyhnhnms of quality come out 
 of curiosity to see the Author. He gives his master a short 
 account of his voyage ....... 278 
 
 Chap. IV. Tlie Houyhnhnm'a notion of truth and falsehood. 
 The Author's discourse disapproved hy his master. The 
 Author gives a more particular account of himself, and the 
 accidents of his voyage. ...... 28S 
 
 Chap. V. The Author, at his master's command, informs him 
 of the state of England. The causes of war among the princes 
 of Europe. The Author begins to explain the English con- 
 stitution ......... 291 
 
 Chap. VI. A continuation of the state of England under Queen 
 Anne. The character of a first minister in the courts of 
 Europe 298 
 
 Chap. VII. The Author's great love of his native country. His 
 master's observations upon the constitution and administra- 
 tion of England, as described by the Author, with parallel 
 cases and comparisons. His master's observations upon 
 human nature ........ 306 
 
 Chap. VIIL The Author relates several particulars of the 
 Yahoos. The great virtues of the Houyhnhnms. The edu- 
 cation and exercises of their youth. Their general assembly . 315 
 
 Chap. IX. A grand debate at the general assembly of the Houy- 
 hnhnms, and how it was determined. The learning of the 
 Houyhnhnms. Their buildings. Their manner of burials. 
 The defectiveness of their language ..... 322 
 
 Chap. X. The Author's economy and happy life among 
 the Houyhnhnms. His great improvement in virtue, by 
 
14 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 PAGB 
 
 conversing with them. Their conversations. The Author has 
 notice given him by hia master that Tie must depart from the 
 country. He falls into a swoon for grief, but submits. He 
 contrives and finishes a canoe, by the help of a fellow-servant, 
 and puis to sea at a venture ...... 329 
 
 Chap. XL The Author's dangerous voyage. He arrives at New 
 HoUand, hoping to settle there. Is wounded with an arrow 
 by one of the natives. Is seized and carried by force into a 
 Portuguese ship. The great civilities of the Captain. The 
 Author arrives at England ...... 338 
 
 Chap. XII. The Author's veracity. His design in publishing 
 this work. His censure of those travellers who swerve from 
 the truth. The Author dears himself from any sinister ends 
 in writing. An objection answered. The method of planting 
 colonies. His native country commended. The right of the 
 Crown to those countries described by the Author is justified. 
 The difficulty of conquering them. The Author takes his last 
 leave of the reader, proposeth his manner of living for the 
 future, gives good advice, and concludes .... 34S 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote Nations 
 
 OF THE 
 
 WORLD. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 A Voyage to LILLIWT. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed in the Year MDCC XXVII. 
 
BatelPart.li^.l. 
 
 Difcovere(iA.D.i6g3 . 
 
 b 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 PART I 
 
 A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 
 
 CHAP. I 
 
 The Author gives some accourU of himself and famUy. His first indtict- 
 merits to travel. He is shipwrecked, and swims for his life, gets 
 safe on shore in the country of LiUiptU, is made a prisoner, and 
 carried up the country. 
 
 My father had a small estate in Nottinghamshire ; 
 I was the third of five sons. He sent me to Emanuel 
 College in Cambridge at fourteen years old, where 
 I resided three years, and applied myself close to my 
 studies : but the charge of maintaining me (although 
 I had a very scanty allowance) being too great for 
 a narrow fortune, I was bound apprentice to Mr. James 
 Bates, an eminent surgeon in London, with whom 
 I continued four years ; and my father now and then 
 sending me small sums of money, I laid them out in 
 learning navigation, and other parts of the mathematics, 
 useful to those who intend to travel, as I always believed 
 it would be some time or other my fortune to do. When 
 I left Mr. Bates, I went down to my father ; where, by 
 the assistance of him and my uncle John, and some 
 other relations, I got forty pounds, and a promise of 
 thirty pounds a year to maintain me at Leyden : there 
 I studied physic two years and seven months, knowing 
 it would be useful in long voyages. 
 
 Soon after my return from Leyden, I was recom- 
 mended, by my good master Mr. Bates, to be surgeon to 
 
18 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 the Swallow, Captain Abraham Pannell commander ; 
 with whom I continued three years and a half, making 
 a voyage or two into the Levant, and some other parts. 
 When I came back, I resolved to settle in London, to 
 which Mr. Bates, my master, encouraged me, and by 
 him I was recommended to several patients. I took 
 part of a small house in the Old Jury ; and being advised 
 to alter my condition, I married Mrs. Mary Burton, 
 second daughter to Mr. Edmund Burton hosier in 
 Newgate-street, with whom I received four hundred 
 pounds for a portion. 
 
 But, my good master Bates dying in two years after, 
 and I having few friends, my business began to fail ; 
 for my conscience would not suffer me to imitate the 
 bad practice of too many among my brethren. Having 
 therefore consulted with my wife, and some of my 
 acquaintance, I determined to go again to sea. I was 
 surgeon successively in two ships, and made several 
 voyages, for six years, to the East and West-Indies, by 
 which I got some addition to my fortune. My hours of 
 leisure I spent in reading the best authors, ancient and 
 modern . being always provided with a good number of 
 books ; and when I was ashore, in observing the manners 
 and dispositions of the people, as well as learning their 
 language, wherein I had a great facility by the strength 
 of my memory. 
 
 The last of these voyages not proving very fortunate, 
 I grew weary of the sea, and intended to stay at home 
 with my wife and family. I removed from the Old Jury 
 to Fetter-Lane, and from thence to Wapping, hoping to 
 get business among the sailors ; but it would not turn 
 to account. After three years expectation that things 
 would mend, I accepted an advantageous offer from 
 Captain William Prichard, master of the Antelope, 
 who was making a voyage to the South-Sea. We set 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPDT 19 
 
 sail from Bristol May 4, 1699, and our voyage at first 
 was very prosperous. 
 
 It would not be proper, for some reasons, to trouble 
 the reader with the particulars of our adventures in 
 those seas : let it suffice to inform him, that in our 
 passage from thence to the East-Indies, we were driven 
 by a violent storm to the north-west of Van Diemen's 
 Land. By an observation, we found ourselves in the 
 latitude of 30 degrees 2 minutes south. Twelve of our 
 crew were dead by immoderate labour and ill food, the 
 rest were in a very weak condition. On the fifth of 
 November, which was the beginning of summer in those 
 parts, the weather being very hazy, the seamen spied 
 a rock, within half a cable's length of the ship ; but the 
 wind was so strong, that we were driven directly upon 
 it, and immediately split. Six of the crew, of whom 
 I was one, having let down the boat into the sea, made 
 a shift to get clear of the ship, and the rock. We rowed 
 by my computation about three leagues, till we were 
 able to work no longer, being already spent with labour 
 while we were in the ship. We therefore trusted ourselves 
 to the mercy of the waves, and in about half an hour the 
 boat was overset by a sudden flurry from the north. 
 What became of my companions in the boat, as well as 
 of those who escaped on the rock, or were left in the 
 vessel, I cannot tell ; but conclude they were all lost. 
 For my own part, I swam as fortune directed me, and 
 was pushed forward by wind and tide. I often let my 
 legs drop, and could feel no bottom : but when I was 
 almost gone, and able to struggle no longer, I found 
 myself within my depth ; and by this time the storm 
 was much abated. The declivity was so small, that 
 I walked near a mile before I got to the shore, which I 
 conjectured was about eight o'clock in the evening. 
 I then advanced forward near half a mile, but could not 
 
20 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 discover any sign of houses or inhabitants ; at least 
 I was in so weak a condition, that I did not observe 
 them. I was extremely tired, and with that, and the heat 
 of the weather, and about half a pint of brandy that 
 I drank as I left the ship, I found myself much inclined 
 to sleep. I lay down on the grass, which was very short 
 and soft, where I slept sounder than ever I remember to 
 have done in my life, and, as I reckoned, above nine 
 hours ; for when I awaked, it was just day-light. I at- 
 tempted to rise, but was notable to stir: for, as I happened 
 to lie on my back, I found my arms and legs were strongly 
 fastened on each side to the ground ; and my hair, which 
 was long and thick, tied down in the same manner. 
 I likewise felt several slender ligatures across my body, 
 from my arm-pits to my thighs. I could only look 
 upwards ; the sun began to grow hot, and the light 
 offended my eyes. I heard a confused noise about me, 
 but in the posture I lay, could see nothing except the 
 sky. In a little time I felt something alive moving on 
 my left leg, which advancing gently forward over my 
 breast, came almost up to my chin ; when bending 
 my eyes downwards as much as I could, I perceived it 
 to be a human creature not six inches high, with a bow 
 and arrow in his hands, and a quiver at his back. In the 
 mean time, I felt at least forty more of the same kind 
 (as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost 
 astonishment, and roared so loud, that they all ran back 
 in a fright ; and some of them, as I was afterwards told, 
 were hurt with the falls they got by leaping from my 
 sides upon the ground. However, they soon returned, 
 and one of them, who ventured so far as to get a full 
 sight of my face, lifting up his hands and eyes by way of 
 admiration, cried out in a shrill but distinct voice, 
 Behinah degul : the others repeated the same words 
 several times, but I then knew not what they meant. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 21 
 
 I lay all this while, as the reader may believe, in great 
 uneasiness : at length, struggling to get loose, I had the 
 fortune to break the strings, and wrench out the pegs 
 that fastened my left arm to the ground ; for, by lifting 
 it up to my face, I discovered the methods they had 
 taken to bind me, and at the same time, with a violent 
 pull, which gave me excessive pain, I a little loosened 
 the strings that tied down my hair on the left side, so 
 that I was just able to turn my head about two inches. 
 But the creatures ran ofE a second time, before I could 
 seize them ; whereupon there was a great shout in a very 
 shrill accent, and after it ceased, I heard one of them 
 cry aloud, Tolgo phonac ; when in an instant I felt 
 above an hundred arrows discharged on my left hand, 
 which pricked me like so many needles ; and besides 
 they shot another flight into the air, as we do bombs in 
 Europe, whereof many, I suppose, fell on my body 
 (though I felt them not) and some on my face, which 
 I immediately covered with my left hand. When this 
 shower of arrows was over, I fell a groaning with grief 
 and pain, and then striving again to get loose, they 
 discharged another volley larger than the first, and 
 some of them attempted with spears to stick me in the 
 sides ; but, by good luck, I had on me a buff jerkin, 
 which they could not pierce. I thought it the most 
 prudent method to lie still, and my design was to 
 continue so till night, when, my left hand being already 
 loose, I could easily free myself : and as for the inhabi- 
 tants, I had reason to believe I might be a match for 
 the greatest armies they could bring against me, if they 
 were all of the same size with him that I saw. But 
 fortune disposed otherwise of me. When the people 
 observed I was quiet, they discharged no more arrows ; 
 but, by the noise I heard, I knew their numbers increased ; 
 and about four yards from me, over against my right ear. 
 
22 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I heard a knocking for above an hour, like that of people 
 at work ; when turning my head that way, as well as 
 the pegs and strings would permit me, I saw a stage 
 erected, about a foot and a half from the ground, capable 
 of holding four of the inhabitants, with two or three 
 ladders to mount it : from whence one of them, who 
 seemed to be a person of quality, made me a long speech, 
 whereof I understood not one syllable. But I should 
 have mentioned, that before the principal person began 
 his oration, he cried out three times, Langro dehul san 
 (these words and the former were afterwards repeated 
 and explained to me.) Whereupon immediately about 
 fifty of the inhabitants came, and cut the strings that 
 fastened the left side of my head, which gave me the 
 liberty of turning it to the right, and of observing the 
 person and gesture of him that was to speak. He 
 appeared to be of a middle age, and taller than any of 
 the other three who attended him, whereof one was 
 a page that held up his train, and seemed to be somewhat 
 longer than my middle finger ; the other two stood 
 one on each side to support him. He acted every part 
 of an orator, and I could observe many periods of 
 threatenings, and others of promises, pity, and kindness. 
 I answered in a few words, but in the most submissive 
 manner, lifting up my left hand and both my eyes to 
 the sun, as calling him for a witness ; and being almost 
 famished with hunger, having not eaten a morsel for 
 some hours before I left the ship, I found the demands 
 of nature so strong upon me, that I could not forbear 
 showing my impatience (perhaps against the strict rulee 
 of decency) by putting my finger frequently on my 
 mouth, to signify that I wanted food. The Hurgo (for 
 Bo they call a great lord, as I afterwards learnt) under- 
 stood me very well. He descended from the stage, and 
 commanded that several ladders should be applied to 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 23 
 
 my sides, on which above an hundred of the inhabitants 
 mounted, and walked towards my mouth, laden with 
 baskets full of meat, which had been provided, and sent 
 thither by the King's orders, upon the first intelligence 
 he received of me. I observed there was the flesh of 
 several animals, but could not distinguish them by the 
 taste. There were shoulders, legs, and loins, shaped like 
 those of mutton, and very well dressed, but smaller than 
 the wings of a lark. I ate them by two or three at 
 a mouthful, and took three loaves at a time, about the 
 bigness of musket bullets. They supplied me as they 
 could, showing a thousand marks of wonder and astonish- 
 ment at my bulk and appetite. I then made another 
 sign that I wanted drink. They found by my eating 
 that a small quantity would not suffice me, and being 
 a most ingenious people, they slung up with great 
 dexterity one of their largest hogsheads, then rolled it 
 towards my hand, and beat out the top ; I drank it off 
 at a draught, which I might well do, for it did not hold 
 half a pint, and tasted like a small wine of Burgundy, 
 but much more delicious. They brought me a second 
 hogshead, which I drank in the same manner, and made 
 signs for more, but they had none to give me. When 
 I had performed these wonders, they shouted for joy, 
 and danced upon my breast, repeating several times as 
 they did at first, Hekinah degul. They made me a sign 
 that I should throw down the two hogsheads, but first 
 warning the people below to stand out of the way, 
 crying aloud, Borach mivola, and when they saw the 
 vessels in the air, there was an universal shout of Hekinah 
 degul. I confess I was often tempted, while they were 
 passing backwards and forwards on my body, to seize 
 forty or fifty of the first that came in my reach, and 
 dash them against the ground. But the remembrance 
 of what I had felt, which probably might not be the worst 
 
24 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 they could do, and the promise of honour I made them, 
 for so I interpreted my submissive behaviour, soon drove 
 out these imaginations. Besides, I now considered 
 myself as bound by the laws of hospitality to a people 
 who had treated me with so much expense and magnifi- 
 cence. However, in my thoughts I could not sufficiently 
 wonder at the intrepidity of these diminutive mortalsi 
 who durst venture to mount and walk upon my body, 
 while one of my hands was at liberty, without trembling 
 at the very sight of so prodigious a creature as I must 
 appear to them. After some time, when they observed 
 that I made no more demands for meat, there appeared 
 before me a person of high rank from his Imperial 
 Majesty. His Excellency, having mounted on the small 
 of my right leg, advanced forwards up to my face, 
 with about a dozen of his retinue. And producing his 
 credentials under the Signet Royal, which he applied 
 close to my eyes, spoke about ten minutes, without 
 any signs of anger, but with a kind of determinate 
 resolution ; often pointing forwards, which, as I after- 
 wards found, was towards the capital city, about haU 
 a mile distant, whither it was agreed by his Majesty in 
 council that I must be conveyed. I answered in few 
 words, but to no purpose, and made a sign with my hand 
 that was loose, putting it to the other (but over his 
 Excellency's head, for fear of hurting him or his train) 
 and then to my own head and body, to signify that 
 I desired my liberty. It appeared that he understood 
 me well enough, for he shook his head by way of dis- 
 approbation, and held his hand in a posture to show 
 that I must be carried as a prisoner. However, he 
 made other signs to let me understand that I should 
 have meat and drink enough, and very good treatment. 
 Whereupon I once more thought of attempting to break 
 my bonds, but again, when I felt the smart of their 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 25 
 
 arrows upon my face and hands, which were all in 
 blisters, and many of the darts still sticking in them, 
 and observing likewise that the number of my enemies 
 increased, I gave tokens to let them know that they 
 might do with me what they pleased. Upon this the 
 Hurgo and his train withdrew with much civility and 
 cheerful countenances. Soon after I heard a general 
 shout, with frequent repetitions of the words, Peplom 
 aelan, and I felt great numbers of the people on my 
 left side relaxing the cords to such a degree, that 
 I was able to turn upon my right, and to ease myself 
 with making water ; which I very plentifully did, to 
 the great astonishment of the people, who conjecturing 
 by my motions what I was going to do, immediately 
 opened to the right and left on that side, to avoid the 
 torrent which fell with such noise and violence from 
 me. But before this, they had daubed my face and 
 both my hands with a sort of ointment very pleasant 
 to the smell, which in a few minutes removed all the 
 smart of their arrows. These circumstances, added to 
 the refreshment I had received by their victuals and 
 drink, which were very nourishing, disposed me to 
 sleep. I slept about eight hours, as I was afterwards 
 assured ; and it was no wonder, for the physicians, by 
 the Emperor's order, had mingled a sleepy potion in 
 the hogsheads of wine. 
 
 It seems that upon the first moment I was discovered 
 sleeping on the ground after my landing, the Emperor 
 had early notice of it by an express ; and determined 
 in council that I should be tied in the manner I have 
 related (which was done in the night while I slept), that 
 plenty of meat and drink should be sent me, and 
 a machine prepared to carry me to the capital city. 
 
 This resolution perhaps may appear very bold and 
 dangerous, and I am confident would not be imitated 
 
26 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 by any prince in Europe on the like occasion ; however, 
 in my opinion, it was extremely prudent, as well as 
 generous. For supposing these people had endeavoured 
 to kill me with their spears and arrows while I was asleep, 
 I should certainly have awaked with the first sense of 
 smart, which might so far have roused my rage and 
 strength, as to have enabled me to break the strings 
 wherewith I was tied ; after which, as they were not 
 able to make resistance, so they could expect no mercy. 
 These people are most excellent mathematicians, 
 and arrived to a great perfection in mechanics by the 
 countenance and encouragement of the Emperor, who 
 is a renowned patron of learning. This prince hath 
 several machines fixed on wheels for the carriage of 
 trees and other great weights. He often builds his 
 largest men of war, whereof some are nine foot long, 
 in the woods where the timber grows, and has them 
 carried on these engines three or four hundred yards 
 to the sea. Five hundred carpenters and engineers 
 were immediately set at work to prepare the greatest 
 engine they had. It was a frame of wood raised three 
 inches from the ground, about seven foot long and four 
 wide, moving upon twenty-two wheels. The shout 
 I heard was upon the arrival of this engine, which it 
 seems set out in four hours after my landing. It was 
 brought parallel to me as I lay. But the principal 
 difficulty was to raise and place me in this vehicle. 
 Eighty poles, each of one foot high, were erected for 
 this purpose, and very strong cords of the bigness of 
 packthread were fastened by hooks to many bandages, 
 which the workmen had girt round my neck, my hands, 
 my body, and my legs. Nine hundred of the strongest 
 men were employed to draw up these cords by many 
 pulleys fastened on the poles, and thus, in less than 
 three hours, I was raised and slung into the engine, and 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 27 
 
 there tied fast. All this I was told, for while the whole 
 operation was performing, I lay in a profound sleep, 
 by the force of that soporiferous medicine infused into 
 my liquor. Fifteen hundred of the Emperor's largest 
 horses, each about four inches and a half high, were 
 employed to draw me towards the metropolis, which, 
 as I said, was half a mile distant. 
 
 About four hours after we began our journey, I awaked 
 by a very ridiculous accident ; for the carriage being 
 stopped a while to adjust something that was out of order, 
 two or three of the young natives had the curiosity to 
 see how I looked when I was asleep ; they climbed up 
 into the engine, and advancing very softly to my face, 
 one of them, an officer in the Guards, put the sharp 
 end of his half -pike a good way up into my left nostril, 
 which tickled my nose like a straw, and made me sneeze 
 violently : whereupon they stole oS unperceived, and it 
 was three weeks before I knew the cause of my awaking 
 so suddenly. We made a long march the remaining part 
 of that day, and rested at night with five hundred guards 
 on each side of me, half with torches, and half with bows 
 and arrows, ready to shoot me if I should ofEer to stir. 
 The next morning at sunrise we continued our march, 
 and arrived within two hundred yards of the city gates 
 about noon. The Emperor, and all his court, came out 
 to meet us ; but his great officers would by no means 
 suffer his Majesty to endanger his person by mounting 
 on my body. 
 
 At the place where the carriage stopped, there stood an 
 ancient temple, esteemed to be the largest in the whole 
 kingdom, which having been polluted some years before 
 by an unnatural murder, was, according to the zeal of 
 those people, looked on as profane, and therefore had 
 been applied to common uses, and all the ornaments 
 and furniture carried away. In this edifice it was 
 
28 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 determined I should lodge. The great gate fronting to 
 the north was about four foot high, and almost two foot 
 wide, through which I could easily creep. On each side 
 of the gate was a small window not above six inches 
 from the ground : into that on the left side, the King's 
 smiths conveyed fourscore and eleven chains, like those 
 that hang to a lady's watch in Europe, and almost as 
 large, which were locked to my left leg with six and 
 thirty padlocks. Over against this temple, on t'other 
 side of the great highway, at twenty foot distance, there 
 was a turret at least five foot high. Here the Emperor 
 ascended with many principal lords of his court, to have 
 an opportunity of viewing me, as I was told, for I could 
 not see them. It was reckoned that above an hundred 
 thousand inhabitants came out of the town upon the 
 same errand ; and in spite of my guards, I believe there 
 could not be fewer than ten thousand, at several times, 
 who mounted upon my body by the help of ladders. 
 But a proclamation was soon issued to forbid it upon 
 pain of death. When the workmen found it was 
 impossible for me to break loose, they cut all the strings 
 that bound me ; whereupon I rose up with as melancholy 
 a disposition as ever I had in my life. But the noise 
 and astonishment of the people at seeing me rise and 
 walk, are not to be expressed. The chains that held my 
 left leg were about two yards long, and gave me not only 
 the liberty of walking backwards and forwards in a semi- 
 circle ; but, being fixed within four inches of the gate, 
 allowed me to creep in, and lie at my full length in the 
 temple. 
 
CHAP. II 
 
 The Emperor of LiUipal, attended by several of the nobilily, corns to see 
 the Author in hia confinement. The Emperor's person and hahii 
 described. Leairned men appointed to teach the Author their 
 language. He gains favour by hia mild disposition. Hia pockets 
 are searclted, and his sword and pistols taken from him. 
 
 When I found myself on my feet, I looked about me, 
 and must confess I never beheld a more entertaining 
 prospect. The country round appeared like a continued 
 garden, and the inclosed fields, which were generally 
 forty foot square, resembled so many beds of flowers. 
 These fields were intermingled with woods of half a stang, 
 and the tallest trees, as Icould judge, appeared to beseven 
 foot high. I viewed the town on my left hand, which 
 looked like the painted scene of a city in a theatre. 
 
 I had been for some hours extremely pressed by the 
 necessities of nature ; which was no wonder, it being 
 almost two days since I had last disburthened myself. 
 I was under great difficulties between urgency and 
 shame. The best expedient I could think on, was to 
 creep into my house, which I accordingly did ; and 
 shutting the gate after me, I went as far as the length 
 of my chain would suffer, and discharged my body of 
 that uneasy load. But this was the only time I was 
 ever guilty of so uncleanly an action ; for which I 
 cannot but hope the candid reader will give some 
 allowance, after he hath maturely and impartially con- 
 sidered my case, and the distress I was in. From this 
 time my constant practice was, as soon as I rose, to 
 perform that business in open air, at the full extent of 
 my chain, and due care was taken every morning before 
 company came, that the ofiEensive matter should be 
 
30 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 carried off in wheel-barrows, by two servants appointed 
 for that purpose. I would not have dwelt so long upon 
 a circumstance, that perhaps at first sight may appear 
 not very momentous, if I had not thought it necessary 
 to justify my character in point of cleanliness to the 
 world ; which I am told some of my maligners have 
 been pleased, upon this and other occasions, to call in 
 question. 
 
 When this adventure was at an end, I came back 
 out of my house, having occasion for fresh air. The 
 Emperor was already descended from the tower, and 
 advancing on horseback towards me, which had like 
 to have cost him dear ; for the beast, though very 
 well trained, yet wholly unused to such a eight, which 
 appeared as if a mountain moved before him, reared up 
 on his hinder feet : but that prince, who is an excellent 
 horseman, kept his seat, till his attendants ran in, and 
 held the bridle, while his master had time to dismount. 
 When he alighted, he surveyed me round with great 
 admiration, but kept without the length of my chain. 
 He ordered his cooks and butlers, who were already 
 prepared, to give me victuals and drink, which they 
 pushed forward in a sort of vehicles upon wheels tUl 
 I could reach them. I took these vehicles, and soon 
 emptied them all ; twenty of them were filled with meat, 
 and ten with liquor ; each of the former afforded me two 
 or three good mouthfuls, and I emptied the liquor of ten 
 vessels, which was contained in earthen vials, into one 
 vehicle, drinking it off at a draught ; and so I did with 
 the rest. The Empress, and young Princes of the blood, 
 of both sexes, attended by many ladies, sat at some 
 distance in their chairs ; but upon the accident that 
 happened to the Emperor's horse, they alighted, and 
 came near his person, which I am now going to describe. 
 He is taller by almost the breadth of my nail than any 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 31 
 
 of his court, which alone is enough to strike an awe into 
 the beholders. His features are strong and masculine 
 with an Austrian lip and arched nose, his complexion 
 olive, his countenance erect, his body and limbs well pro- 
 portioned, all his motions graceful, and his deportment 
 maj estic . He was then past his prime , being twenty -eight 
 years and three quarters old, of which he had reigned 
 about seven, in great felicity, and generally victorious. 
 For the better convenience of beholding him, I lay on 
 my side, so that my face was parallel to his, and he 
 stood but three yards ofl : however, I have had him 
 since many times in my hand, and therefore cannot be 
 deceived in the description. His dress was very plain 
 and simple, and the fashion of it between the Asiatio 
 and the European ; but he had on his head a light 
 helmet of gold, adorned with jewels, and a plume on 
 the crest. He held his sword drawn in his hand, to 
 defend himself, if I should happen to break loose ; it 
 was almost three inches long, the hilt and scabbard 
 were gold enriched with diamonds. His voice was shrill, 
 but very clear and articulate, and I could distinctly 
 hear it when L stood up. The ladies and courtiers were 
 all most magnificently clad, so that the spot they stood 
 upon seemed to resemble a petticoat spread on the 
 ground, embroidered with figures of gold and silver. 
 His Imperial Majesty spoke often to me, and I returned 
 answers, but neither of us could understand a syllable. 
 There were several of his priests and lawyers present 
 (as I conjectured by their habits) who were commanded 
 to address themselves to me, and I spoke to them in as 
 many languages as I had the least smattering of, which 
 were High and Low Dutch, Latin, French, Spanish, 
 Italian, and Lingua Franca ; but all to no purpose. 
 After about two hours the court retired, and I was left 
 with a strong guard, to prevent the impertinence, and 
 
32 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 probably the malice of the rabble, who were very 
 impatient to crowd about me as near as they durst, 
 and some of them had the impudence to shoot their 
 arrows at me as I sat on the ground by the door of my 
 house, whereof one very narrowly missed my left eye. 
 But the colonel ordered six of the ringleaders to be 
 seized, and thought no punishment so proper as to deliver 
 them bound into my hands, which some of his soldiers 
 accordingly did, pushing them forwards with the butt- 
 ends of their pikes into my reach ; I took them all in 
 my right hand, put five of them into my coat-pocket, 
 and as to the sixth, I made a countenance as if I would 
 eat him alive. The poor man squalled terribly, and 
 the colonel and his officers were in much pain, especially 
 when they saw me take out my penknife : but I soon 
 put them out of fear ; for, looking mildly, and immedi- 
 ately cutting the strings he was bound with, I set him 
 gently on the ground, and away he ran. I treated the 
 rest in the same manner, taking them one by one out of 
 my pocket, and I observed both the soldiers and people 
 were highly obliged at this mark of my clemency, which 
 was represented very much to my advantage at court. 
 Towards night I got with some difficulty into my 
 house, where I lay on the ground, and continued to do 
 so about a fortnight ; during which time the Emperor 
 gave orders to have a bed prepared for me. Six hundred 
 beds of the common measure were brought in carriages, 
 and worked up in my house ; an hundred and fifty of 
 their beds sewn together made up the breadth and 
 length, and these were four double, which however kept 
 me but very indifferently from the hardness of the floor, 
 that was of smooth stone. By the same computation 
 they provided me with sheets, blankets, and coverlets, 
 tolerable enough for one who had been so long inure<3 
 to hardships as I. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 33 
 
 As the news of my arrival spread through the kingdom, 
 it brought prodigioiis numbers of rich, idle, and curious 
 people to see me ; so that the villages were almost 
 emptied, and great neglect of tillage and household 
 affairs must have ensued, if his Imperial Majesty had 
 not provided, by several proclamations and orders of 
 state, against this inconveniency. He directed that 
 those who had already beheld me should return home, 
 and not presume to come within fifty yards of my house 
 without licence from court ; whereby the secretaries of 
 state got considerable fees. 
 
 In the mean time, the Emperor held frequent councils 
 to debate what course should be taken with me ; and 
 I was afterwards assured by a particular friend, a person 
 of great quality, who was looked upon to be as much 
 in the secret as any, that the court was under many 
 difficulties concerning me. They apprehended my 
 breaking loose, that my diet would be very expensive, 
 and might cause a famine. Sometimes they determined 
 to starve me, or at least to shoot me in the face and 
 hands with poisoned arrows, which would soon dispatch 
 me : but again they considered, that the stench of so 
 large a carcass might produce a plague in the metropolis, 
 and probably spread through the whole kingdom. In 
 the midst of these consultations, several officers of the 
 army went to the door of the great council-chamber ; 
 and two of them being admitted, gave an account of 
 my behaviour to the six criminals above-mentioned, 
 which made so favourable an impression in the breast 
 of his Majesty and the whole board in my behalf, that 
 an Imperial (Commission was issued out, obliging all the 
 villages nine hundred yards round the city, to deliver 
 in every morning six beeves, forty sheep, and other 
 victuals for my sustenance ; together with a proportion- 
 able quantity of bread, and wine, and other liquors ; 
 
 EWUT C 
 
34 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 for the due payment of which his Majesty gave assign- 
 ments upon his treasury. For this prince lives chiefly 
 upon his own demesnes, seldom, except upon great 
 occasions, raising any subsidies upon his subjects, who 
 are bound to attend him in his wars at their own expense. 
 An establishment was also made of six hundred persons 
 to be my domestics, who had board-wages allowed for 
 their maintenance, and tents built for them very con- 
 veniently on each side of my door. It was likewise 
 ordered, that three hundred tailors should make me 
 a suit of clothes after the fashion of the country : that 
 six of his Majesty's greatest scholars should be employed 
 to instruct me in their language : and, lastly, that the 
 Emperor's horses, and those of the nobility, and troops 
 of guards, should be frequently exercised in my sight, 
 to accustom themselves to me. All these orders were 
 duly put in execution, and in about three weeks I made 
 a great progress in learning their language ; during which 
 time the Emperor frequently honoured me with his 
 visits, and was pleased to assist my masters in teaching 
 me. We began already to converse together in some 
 sort ; and the first words I learnt were to express my 
 desire that he would please to give me my liberty, which 
 I every day repeated on my knees. His answer, as 
 I could apprehend it, was, that this must be a work of 
 time, not to be thought on without the advice of his 
 council, and that first I must Lumos kelmin pesso desmar 
 Ion emposo ; that is, swear a peace with him and his 
 kingdom. However, that I should be used with all 
 kindness ; and he advised me to acquire, by my patience 
 and discreet behaviour, the good opinion of himself and 
 his subjects. He desired I would not take it ill, if he 
 gave orders to certain proper officers to search me ; for 
 probably I might carry about me several weapons, 
 which must needs be dangerous things, if they answered 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 35 
 
 the bulk of so prodigious a person. I said, his Majesty 
 should be satisfied, for I was ready to strip myself, and 
 turn up my pockets before him. This I delivered part in 
 words, and part in signs. He replied, that by the laws 
 of the kingdom I must be searched by two of his officers ; 
 that he knew this could not be done without my consent 
 and assistance ; that he had so good an opinion of my 
 generosity and justice, as to trust their persons in my 
 hands : that whatever they took from me should be 
 returned when I left the country, or paid for at the rate 
 which I would set upon them. I took up the two officers 
 in my hands, put them first into my coat-pockets, and 
 then into every other pocket about me, except my two 
 fobs, and another secret pocket I had no mind should 
 be searched, wherein I had some little necessaries that 
 were of no consequence to any but myself. In one of 
 my fobs there was a silver watch, and in the other a small 
 quantity of gold in a purse. These gentlemen, having 
 pen, ink, and paper about them, made an exact inventory 
 of every thing they saw ; and when they had done, 
 desired I would set them down, that they might deliver 
 it to the Emperor. This inventory I afterwards trans- 
 lated into English, and is word for word as follows. 
 
 Imprimis, In the right coat-pocket of the Great Man- 
 Mountain (for so I interpret the words Quinbus Flestrin) 
 after the strictest search, we found only one great piece 
 of coarse cloth, large enough to be a foot-cloth for your 
 Majesty's chief room of state. In the left pocket we saw 
 a huge silver chest, with a cover of the same metal, 
 which we the searchers were not able to lift. We 
 desired it should be opened, and one of us stepping 
 into it, found himself up to the mid leg in a sort of dust, 
 some part whereof flying up to our faces, set us both 
 a sneezing for several times together. In his right 
 
36 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 waistcoat-pocket we found a prodigious bundle of white 
 thin substances, folded one over another, about the 
 bigness of three men, tied with a strong cable, and 
 marked with black figures ; which we humbly conceive 
 to be writings, every letter almost half as large as the 
 palm of our hands. In the left there was a sort of 
 engine, from the back of which were extended twenty 
 long poles, resembling the palisados before your Majesty's 
 court ; wherewith we conjecture the Man-Mountain 
 combs his head, for we did not always trouble him with 
 questions, because we found it a great difficulty to make 
 him understand us. In the large pocket on the right 
 side of his middle cover (so I translate the word ranfu-lo, 
 by which they meant my breeches) we saw a hollow 
 pillar of iron, about the length of a man, fastened to 
 a strong piece of timber, larger than the pillar ; and 
 upon one side of the pillar were huge pieces of iron 
 sticking out, cut into strange figures, which we know 
 not what to make of. In the left pocket, another engine 
 of the same kind. In the smaller pocket on the right 
 side, were several round flat pieces of white and redmetal, 
 of diSerent bulk ; some of the white, which seemed to be 
 silver, were so large and heavy, that my comrade and 
 I could hardly lift them. In the left pocket were two 
 black pillars irregularly shaped : we could not, without 
 difficulty, reach the top of them as we stood at the 
 bottom of his pocket. One of them was covered, and 
 seemed all of a piece : but at the upper end of the other, 
 there appeared a white round substance, about twice the 
 bigness of our heads. Within each of these was enclosed 
 a prodigious plate of steel ; which, by our orders, we 
 obliged him to show us, because we apprehended they 
 might be dangerous engines. He took them out of their 
 cases, and told us, that in his own country his practice 
 was to shave his beard with one of these, and to cut his 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 37 
 
 meat with the other. There were two pockets which we 
 could not enter : these he called his fobs ; they were 
 two large slits cut into the top of his middle cover, but 
 squeezed close by the pressure of his belly. Out of the 
 right fob hung a great silver chain, with a wonderful 
 kind of engine at the bottom. We directed him to draw 
 out whatever was fastened to that chain ; which 
 appeared to be a globe, half silver, and half of some 
 transparent metal : for on the transparent side we saw 
 certain strange figures circularly drawn, and thought 
 we could touch them, till we found our fingers stopped 
 by that lucid substance. He put this engine to our 
 ears, which made an incessant noise like that of a water- 
 mill : and we conjecture it is either some unknown 
 animal, or the god that he worships ; but we are more 
 inclined to the latter opinion, because he assures us, 
 (if we understood him right, for he expressed himseU 
 very imperfectly) that he seldom did any thing without 
 consulting it : he called it his oracle, and said it pointed 
 out the time for every action of his life. From the left 
 fob he took out a net almost large enough for a fisherman, 
 but contrived to open and shut like a purse, and served 
 him for the same use : we found therein several massy 
 pieces of yellow metal, which, if they be real gold, must 
 be of immense value. 
 
 Having thus, in obedience to your Majesty's commands, 
 diligently searched all his pockets, we observed a girdle 
 about his waist made of the hide of some prodigious 
 animal ; from which, on the left side, hung a sword of 
 the length of five men ; and on the right, a bag or pouch 
 divided into two cells, each cell capable of holding three 
 of your Majesty's subjects. In one of these cells were 
 several globes or balls of a most ponderous metal, about 
 the bigness of our heads, and requiring a strong hand 
 to lift them : the other cell contained a heap of certain 
 
38 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 black grains, but of no great bulk or weight, for we could 
 hold above fifty of them in the palms of our hands. 
 
 This is an exact inventory of what we found about 
 the body of the Man-Mountain, who used us with great 
 civility, and due respect to your Majesty's commission. 
 Signed and sealed on the fourth day of the eighty-ninth 
 moon of your Majesty's auspicious reign. 
 
 Clbfren Fbblook, Maesi Fbblock. 
 
 When this inventory was read over to the Emperor, 
 he directed me, although in very gentle terms, to deliver 
 up the several particulars . He first called for my scimitar, 
 which I took out, scabbard and all. In the mean time he 
 ordered three thousand of his choicest troops (who then 
 attended him) to surround me at a distance, with their 
 bows and arrows just ready to discharge : but I did 
 not observe it, for my eyes were wholly fixed upon his 
 Majesty. He then desired me to draw my scimitar, 
 which, although it had got some rust by the sea-water, 
 was in most parts exceeding bright. I did so, and 
 immediately all the troops gave a shout between terror 
 and surprise ; for the sun shone clear, and the reflection 
 dazzled their eyes as I waved the scimitar to and fro in 
 my hand. His Majesty, who is a most magnanimous 
 prince, was less daunted than I could expect ; he ordered 
 me to return it into the scabbard, and cast it on the 
 ground as gently as I could, about six foot from the end 
 of my chain. The next thing he demanded was one of 
 the hollow iron pillars, by which he meant my pocket- 
 pistols. I drew it out, and at his desire, as well as 
 I could, expressed to him the use of it ; and charging it 
 only with powder, which by the closeness of my pouch 
 happened to escape wetting in the sea (an inconvenience 
 against which all prudent mariners take special care to 
 provide) I first cautioned the Emperor not to be afraid, 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 39 
 
 and then I let it off in the air. Th« astonishment here 
 was much greater than at the sight of my scimitar. 
 Hundreds fell down as if they had been struck dead ; 
 and even the Emperor, although he stood his ground, 
 could not recover himself in some time. I delivered up 
 both my pistols in the same manner as I had done my 
 scimitar, and then my pouch of powder and bullets ; 
 begging him that the former might be kept from the 
 fire, for it would kindle with the smallest spark, and 
 blow up his imperial palace into the air. I likewise 
 delivered up my watch, which the Emperor was very 
 curious to see, and commanded two of his tallest yeomen 
 of the guards to bear it on a pole upon their shoulders, 
 as draymen in England do a barrel of ale. He was 
 amazed at the continual noise it made, and the motion 
 of the minute-hand, which he could easily discern ; for 
 their sight ia much more acute than ours ; and asked 
 the opinions of his learned men about him, which were 
 various and remote, as the reader may well imagine 
 without my repeating ; although indeed I could not 
 very perfectly understand them. I then gave up my 
 silver and copper money, my purse with nine large 
 pieces of gold, and some smaller ones ; my knife and 
 razor, my comb and silver snufE-box, my handkerchief 
 and journal-book. My scimitar, pistols, and pouch, 
 were conveyed in carriages to his Majesty's stores ; but 
 the rest of my goods were returned me. 
 
 I had, as I before observed, one private pocket which 
 escaped their search, wherein there was a pair of spectacles 
 (which I sometimes use for the weakness of my eyes), 
 a pocket perspective, and several other little conveni- 
 ences ; which, being of no consequence to the Emperor, 
 I did not think myself bound in honour to discover, and 
 I apprehended they might be lost or spoiled if I ventured 
 them out of my possession. 
 
CHAP. Ill 
 
 The Avtiior diverts the Emperor and his nobility of both sexes, in a very 
 uncommon manner. The diversions of the court of Lilliput de- 
 scribed. The Author hath his liberty granted him upon certain 
 conditions. 
 
 My gentleness and good behaviour had gained so far 
 on the Emperor and his court, and indeed upon the 
 army and people in general, that I began to conceive 
 hopes of getting my liberty in a short time. I took all 
 possible methods to cultivate this favourable disposition. 
 The natives came by degrees to be less apprehensive of 
 any danger from me. I would sometimes lie down, and 
 let five or six of them dance on my hand. And at last 
 the boys and girls would venture to come and play at 
 hide and seek in my hair. I had now made a good 
 progress in understanding and speaking their language. 
 The Emperor had a mind one day to entertain me with 
 several of the country shows, wherein they exceed all 
 nations I have known, both for dexerity and magnifi- 
 cence. I was diverted with none so much as that of the 
 rope-dancers, performed upon a slender white thread, 
 extended about two foot, and twelve inches from the 
 ground. Upon which I shall desire liberty, with the 
 reader's patience, to enlarge a little. 
 
 This diversion is only practised by those persons who 
 are candidates for great employments and high favour 
 at court. They are trained in this art from their youth, 
 and are not always of noble birth, or liberal education. 
 When a great office is vacant either by death or disgrace 
 (which often happens) five or six of those candidates 
 petition the Emperor to entertain his Majesty and the 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 41 
 
 court with a dance on the rope, and whoever jumps the 
 highest without falling, succeeds in the office. Very 
 often the chief ministers themselves are commanded 
 to show their skill, and to convince the Emperor that 
 they have not lost their faculty. Flimnap, the Treasurer, 
 is allowed to cut a caper on the straight rope, at least an 
 inch higher than any other lord in the whole empire. 
 I have seen him do the summerset several times together 
 upon a trencher fixed on the rope, which is no thicker than 
 a common pack-thread in England. My friend Beldresal, 
 principal Secretary for Private AflEairs, is, in my opinion, 
 if I am not partial, the second after the Treasurer ; the 
 rest of the great officers are much upon a par. 
 
 These diversions are often attended with fatal accidents, 
 whereof great numbers are on record . I myself have seen 
 two or three candidates break a limb. But the danger is 
 much greater when the ministers themselves are com- 
 manded to show their dexterity ; for by contending to 
 excel themselves and their fellows, they strain so far, 
 that there is hardly one of them who hath not received 
 a fall, and some of them two or three. I was assured that 
 a year or two before my arrival, Flimnap would have 
 infallibly broke his neck, if one of the King's cushions, 
 that accidentally lay on the groimd, had not weakened 
 the force of his fall. 
 
 There is likewise another diversion, which is only 
 shown before the Emperor and Empress, and first 
 minister, upon particular occasions. The Emperor lays 
 on the table three fine silken threads of six inches long. 
 One is blue, the other red, and the third green. These 
 threads are proposed as prizes for those persons whom 
 the Emperor hath a mind to distinguish by a peculiar 
 mark of his favour. The ceremony is performed in his 
 Majesty's great chamber of state, where the candidates 
 are to undergo a trial of dexterity very different from the 
 
42 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 former, and such as I have not observed the least resem- 
 blance of in any other country of the old or the new 
 world. The Emperor holds a stick in his hands, both 
 ends parallel to the horizon, while the candidates, 
 advancing one by one, sometimes leap over the stick, 
 sometimes creep under it backwards and forwards 
 several times, according as the stick is advanced or 
 depressed. Sometimes the Emperor holds one end of 
 the stick, and his first minister the other ; sometimes 
 the minister has it entnely to himself. Whoever 
 performs his part with most agility, and holds out the 
 longest in leaping and creeping, is rewarded with the 
 blue-coloured silk ; the red is given to the next, and 
 the green to the third, which they all wear girt twice round 
 about the middle ; and you see few great persons about 
 this court who are not adorned with one of these girdles. 
 The horses of the army, and those of the royal stables, 
 having been daily led before me, were no longer shy, but 
 would come up to my very feet without starting. The 
 riders would leap them over my hand as I held it on 
 the ground, and one of the Emperor's huntsmen, upon 
 a large courser, took my foot, shoe and all ; which was 
 indeed a prodigious leap. I had the good fortune to 
 divert the Emperor one day after a very extraordinary 
 manner. I desired he would order several sticks of two 
 foot high, and the thickness of an ordinary cane, to be 
 brought me ; whereupon his Majesty commanded the 
 master of his woods to give directions accordingly; 
 and the next morning six woodmen arrived with as 
 many carriages, drawn by eight horses to each. I took 
 nine of these sticks, and fixing them firmly in the ground 
 in a quadrangular figure, two foot and a half square, 
 I took four other sticks, and tied them parallel at each 
 corner, about two foot from the ground ; then I fastened 
 my handkerchief to the nine sticks that stood erect, 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 43 
 
 and extended it on all sides till it was as tight as the 
 top of a drum ; and the four parallel sticks rising about 
 five inches higher than the handkerchief served as 
 ledges on each side. When I had finished my work, 
 I desired the Emperor to let a troop of his best horse, 
 twenty-four in number, come and exercise upon this 
 plain. His Majesty approved of the proposal, and I took 
 them up one by one in my hands, ready mounted and 
 armed, with the proper of&cers to exercise them. As soon 
 as they got into order, they divided into two parties, 
 performed mock skirmishes, discharged blunt arrows, 
 drew their swords, fled and pursued, attacked and 
 retired, and in short discovered the best military 
 discipline I ever beheld. The parallel sticks secured 
 them and their horses from falling over the stage ; and 
 the Emperor was so much delighted, that he ordered 
 this entertainment to be repeated several days, and 
 once was pleased to be lifted up and give the word of 
 command ; and, with great difficulty, persuaded even the 
 Empress herself to let me hold her in her close chair within 
 two yards of the stage, from whence she was able to 
 take a full view of the whole performance. It was my 
 good fortune that no ill accident happened in these 
 entertainments, only once a fiery horse that belonged 
 to one of the captains pawing with his hoof struck 
 a hole in my handkerchief, and his foot slipping, he 
 overthrew his rider and himself ; but I immediately 
 relieved them both, and covering the hole with one 
 hand, I set down the troop with the other, in the same 
 manner as I took them up. The horse that fell was 
 strained in the left shoulder, bat the rider got no hurt, 
 and I repaired my handkerchief as well as I could : 
 however, I would not trust to the strength of it any more 
 in such dangerous enterprises. 
 
 About two or three days before I was set at liberty, 
 
44 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 as I was entertaining the court with these kind of feats, 
 there arrived an express to inform his Majesty that 
 some of his subjects riding near the place where I was 
 first taken up, had seen a great black substance lying 
 on the ground, very oddly shaped, extending its edges 
 round as wide as his Majesty's bedchamber, and rising 
 up in the middle as high as a man ; that it was no living 
 creature, as they at first apprehended, for it lay on the 
 grass without motion, and some of them had walked 
 round it several times : that by mounting upon each 
 other's shoulders, they had got to the top, which was 
 fiat and even, and stamping upon it they found it was 
 hollow within ; that they humbly conceived it might 
 be somethiQg belonging to the Man-Mountaia, and if 
 his Majesty pleased, they would undertake to bring it 
 with only five horses. I presently knew what they 
 meant, and was glad at heart to receive this intelligence. 
 It seems upon my first reaching the shore after our 
 shipwreck, I was in such confusion, that before I came 
 to the place where I went to sleep, my hat, which I had 
 fastened with a string to my head while I was rowing, 
 and had stuck on all the time I was swimming, fell off 
 after I came to land ; the string, as I conjecture, breaking 
 by some accident which I never observed, but thought 
 my hat had been lost at sea. I entreated his Imperial 
 Majesty to give orders it might be brought to me as soon 
 as possible, describing to him the use and the nature of it : 
 and the next day the waggoners arrived with it, but not 
 in a very good condition ; they had bored two holes in 
 the brim, within an inch and half of the edge, and fastened 
 two hooks in the holes ; these hooks were tied by a long 
 cord to the harness, and thus my hat was dragged along 
 for above half an English mile : but the ground in that 
 country being extremely smooth and level, it received 
 less damage than I expected. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 45 
 
 Two days after this adventure, the Emperor having 
 ordered that part of his army which quarters in and about 
 his metropolis to be in a readiness, took a fancy of diverting 
 himself in a very singular manner. He desired I would 
 stand like a Colossus, with my legs as far asunder as 
 I conveniently could. He then commanded his General 
 (who was an old experienced leader, and a great patron 
 of mine) to draw up the troops in close order, and march 
 them under me, the foot by twenty-four in a breast, and 
 the horse by sixteen, with drums beating, colours flying, 
 and pikes advanced. This body consisted of three 
 thousand foot, and a thousand horse. His Majesty 
 gave orders, upon pain of death, that every soldier in 
 his march should observe the strictest decency with 
 regard to my person ; which, however, could not 
 prevent some of the younger officers from turning up 
 their eyes as they passed under me. And, to confess 
 the truth, my breeches were at that time in so ill a 
 condition, that they afforded some opportunities for 
 laughter and admiration. 
 
 I had sent so many memorials and petitions for my 
 liberty, that his Majesty at length mentioned the matter, 
 first in the cabinet, and then in a full council ; where it 
 was opposed by none, except Skyresh Bolgolam, who 
 was pleased, without any provocation, to be my mortal 
 enemy. But it was carried against him by the whole 
 board, and confirmed by the Emperor. That minister 
 was Galbet, or Admiral of the Realm, very much in his 
 master's confidence, and a person well versed in afEairs, 
 but of a morose and sour complexion. However, he was 
 at length persuaded to comply ; but prevailed that the 
 articles and conditions upon which I should be set free, 
 and to which I must swear, should be drawn up by 
 himself. These articles were brought to me by Skyresh 
 Bolgolam in person, attended by two undfir-secretaries, 
 
46 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 and several persons of distinction. After they were 
 read, I was demanded to swear to the performance of 
 them ; first in the manner of my own country, and 
 afterwards in the method prescribed by their laws; 
 which was to hold my right foot in my left hand, to 
 place the middle finger of my right hand on the crown 
 of my head, and my thumb on the tip of my right ear. 
 But because the reader may perhaps be curious to have 
 some idea of the style and manner of expression peculiar 
 to that people, as weU as to know the articles upon 
 which I recovered my liberty, I have made a translation 
 of the whole instrument word for word, as near as I was 
 able, which I here offer to the public. 
 
 GOLBASTO MOMABEN EvLAME GUEDILO ShEFIN MuLLY 
 
 Ully Gub, most mighty Emperor of LUliput, delight and 
 terror of the universe, whose dominions extend five 
 thousand blustriigs (about twelve miles in circumference) 
 to the extremities of the globe ; monarch of all monarchs, 
 taller than the sons of men ; whose feet press down to 
 the centre, and whose head strikes against the sun ; at 
 whose nod the princes of the earth shake their knees ; 
 pleasant as the spring, comfortable as the summer, 
 fruitful as autumn, dreadful as winter. His most 
 sublime Majesty proposeth to the Man-Mountain, lately 
 arrived to our celestial dominions, the following articles, 
 which by a solemn oath he shall be obliged to perform. 
 
 First, The Man-Mountain shall not depart from our 
 dominions, without our licence under our great seal. 
 
 2nd, He shall not presume to come into our metropolis, 
 without our express order ; at which time fhe inhabit- 
 ants shall have two hours warning to keep within theii 
 doors. 
 
 3rd, The said Man-Mountain shall confine his walks to 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 47 
 
 our principal high roads, and not ofier to walk or lie 
 down in a meadow or field of com. 
 
 4th, As he walks the said roads, he shall take the 
 utmost care not to trample upon the bodies of any of our 
 loving subjects, their horses, or carriages, nor take any 
 of our said subjects into his hands, without their own 
 consent. 
 
 5th, If an express requires extraordinary dispatch, the 
 Man-Mountain shall be obliged to carry in his pocket 
 the messenger and horse a six days journey once in 
 every moon, and return the said messenger back (if so 
 required) safe to our Imperial Presence. 
 
 6th, He shall be our ally against our enemies in the 
 Island of Blefuscu, and do his utmost to destroy their 
 fleet, which is now preparing to invade us. 
 
 7th, That the said Man-Mountain shall, at his times 
 of leisure, be aiding and assisting to our workmen, in 
 helping to raise certain great stones, towards covering 
 the wall of the principal park, and other our royal 
 buildings. 
 
 8th, That the said Man-Mountain shall, in two moons' 
 time, deliver in an exact survey of the circumference of 
 our dominions by a computation of his own paces round 
 the coast. 
 
 Lastly, That upon his solemn oath to observe all the 
 above articles, the said Man-Mountain shall have a daily 
 allowance of meat and drink sufiScient for the support of 
 1728 of our subjects, with free access to our Royal 
 Person, and other marks of our favour. Given at our 
 Palace at Belfaborac the twelfth day of the ninety-first 
 moon of our reign. 
 
 I swore and subscribed to these articles with great 
 cheerfulness and content* althoufih some of them were 
 
48 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 not so honourable as I could have wished ; which 
 proceeded wholly from the malice of Skyresh Bolgolam 
 the High Admiral : whereupon my chains were immedi- 
 ately unlocked, and I was at full liberty ; the Emperor 
 himself in person did me the honour to be by at the 
 whole ceremony. I made my acknowledgements by 
 prostrating myself at his Majesty's feet : but he 
 commanded me to rise ; and after many gracious expres- 
 sions, which, to avoid the censure of vanity, I shall not 
 repeat, he added, that he hoped I should prove a useful 
 servant, and well deserve all the favours he had already 
 conferred upon me, or might do for the future. 
 
 The reader may please to observe, that in the last 
 article for the recovery of my liberty the Emperor 
 stipulates to allow me a quantity of meat and drink 
 sufficient for the support of 1728 Lilliputians. Some 
 time after, asking a friend at court how they came to 
 fix on that determinate number, he told me that his 
 Majesty's mathematicians, having taken the height of 
 my body by the help of a quadrant, and finding it to 
 exceed theirs in the proportion of twelve to one, they 
 concluded from the similarity of their bodies, that mine 
 must contain at least 1728 of theirs, and consequently 
 would require as much food as was necessary to support 
 that number of Lilliputians. By which the reader may 
 conceive an idea of the ingenuity of that people, as weU 
 as the prudent and exact economy of so great a prince. 
 
CHAP. IV 
 
 Miiiendo the metropolis ofLiUiput described, together with the Emperor's 
 palace. A conversatiori between the Avihor and a principal 
 Secretary, concerning the affaire of that empire. The Avthor'a 
 offers to serve the Emperor in his ware. 
 
 The first request I made after I had obtained my 
 liberty, was, that I might have licence to see Mildendo, 
 the metropolis ; which the Emperor easily granted me, 
 but with a special charge to do no hurt either to the 
 inhabitants or their houses. The people had notice by 
 proclamation of my design to visit the town. The wall 
 which encompassed it is two foot and an half high, and 
 at least eleven inches broad, so that a coach and horses 
 may be driven very safely round it ; and it is flanked 
 with strong towers at ten foot distance. I stept over the 
 great Western Gate, and passed very gently, and sideling 
 through the two principal streets, only in my short 
 waistcoat, for fear of damaging the roofs and eaves of 
 the houses with the skirts of my coat. I walked with 
 the utmost circumspection, to avoid treading on any 
 stragglers, that might remain in the streets, although 
 the orders were very strict, that all people should keep in 
 their houses at their own peril. The garret windows and 
 tops of houses were so crowded with spectators, that 
 I thought in all my travels I had not seen a more populous 
 place. The city is an exact square, each side of the wall 
 being five hundred foot long. The two great streets, 
 which run cross and divide it into four quarters, are 
 five foot wide. The lanes and alleys, which I could not 
 enter, but only viewed them as I passed, are from twelve 
 to eighteen inches The town is capable of holding five 
 
fiO GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 hundred thousand souls. The houses are from three to 
 five stories. The shops and markets well provided. 
 
 The Emperor's palace is in the centre of the city, whers 
 the two great streets meet. It is enclosed by a wall of 
 two foot high, and twenty foot distant from the buildings. 
 I had his Majesty's permission to step over this wall ; 
 and the space being so wide between that and the palace, 
 I could easily view it on every side. The outward court 
 is a square of forty foot, and includes two other courts : 
 in the inmost are the royal apartments, which I was 
 very desirous to see, but found it extremely difficult ; for 
 the great gates, from one square into another, were but 
 eighteen inches high and seven inches wide. Now the 
 buildings of the outer court were at least five foot high, 
 and it was impossible for me to stride over them without 
 infinite damage to the pile, though the walls were strongly 
 built of hewn stone, and four inches thick. At the same 
 time the Emperor had a great desire that I should see 
 the magnificence of his palace ; but this I was not able 
 to do till three days after, which I spent in cutting down 
 with my knife some of the largest trees in the royal park, 
 about an hundred yards distant from the city. Of these 
 trees I made two stools, each about three foot high, and 
 strong enough to bear my weight. The people having 
 received notice a second time, I went again through the 
 city to the palace, with my two stools in my hands. 
 When I came to the side of the outer court, I stood upon 
 one stool, and took the other in my hand : this I lifted 
 over the roof, and gently set it down on the space between 
 the first and second court, which was eight foot wide. 
 I then stept over the buildings very conveniently from 
 one stool to the other, and drew up the first after me with 
 a hooked stick. By this contrivance I got into the 
 inmost court ; and lying down upon my side, I applied 
 my face to the windows of the middle stories, which 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 61 
 
 were left open on purpose, and discovered the most 
 splendid apartments that can be imagined There I saw 
 the Empress and the young Princes, in their several 
 lodgings, with their chief attendants about them. Her 
 Inlperial Majesty was pleased to smile very graciously 
 upon me, and gave me out of the window her hand 
 to kiss. 
 
 But I shall not anticipate the reader with farther 
 descriptions of this kind, because I reserve them for 
 a greater work, which is now almost ready for the press, 
 containing a general description of this empire, from its 
 first erection, through a long series of princes, with 
 a particular account of their wars and politics, laws, 
 learning, and religion : their plants and animals, their 
 peculiar manners and customs, with other matters very 
 curious and useful ; my chief design at present being 
 only to relate such events and transactions as happened 
 to the public, or to myself, during a residence of about 
 nine months in that empire. -*^ 
 
 One morning, about a fortnight after I had obtained 
 my liberty, Beldresal, principal Secretary (as they style 
 him) of Private Affairs, came to my house attended 
 only by one servant. He ordered his coach to wait at 
 a distance, and desired I would give him an hour's 
 audience ; which I readily consented to, on account of 
 his quality and personal merits, as well as the many good 
 offices he had done me during my solicitations at court. 
 I offered to lie down, that he might the more conveniently 
 reach my ear ; but he chose rather to let me hold him 
 in my hand during our conversation. He began with 
 compliments on my liberty ; said he might pretend to 
 some merit in it : but, however, added, that if it had 
 not been for the present situation of things at court, 
 perhaps I might not have obtained it so soon. For, 
 said he, aa flourishing a condition as we may appear to 
 
52 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 be in to foreigners.^e labour under two mighty evils ; 
 a violent faction at home, and the danger of an invasion 
 by a most potent enemy from abroad! As to the first, 
 you are to understand, that for abo^ seventy moons 
 past there have been twofltruggling parties in this 
 empire, under the names of ^Irifmecksan and Slamechsan, 
 from the high and low heels on their shoes, by which 
 they distinguish themselveQ It is alleged indeed,' that 
 the high heels are most agreeable to our ancient con- 
 stitution : but however this be, his Majesty hath 
 determined to make use of only low heels in the adminis- 
 tration of the government, and all offices in the gift of 
 the Crown, as you cannot but observe ; and particularly, 
 that his Majesty's Imperial heels are lower at least by 
 a drurr than any of his court ; {drurr is a measure about 
 the fourteenth part of an inch) . The animosities between 
 these two parties run so high, that theyj^U neither eat 
 nor drink, nor talk with each other. We compute the 
 Tramecksan, or High-Heels, to exceed TIB in number ; 
 but the power is wholly on our sid^ We apprehend 
 his Imperial Highness, the Heir to the Crown, to have 
 some tendency towards the High-Heels ; at least we can 
 plainly discover one of his heels higher than the other, 
 which gives him a hobble in his gait. Now, in the midst 
 of these intestine disquiets, we are threatened with an 
 invasion from the Island of Blefuscu, which is the other 
 great empire of the universe, almost as large and 
 powerful as this of his Majesty. For as to what we have 
 heard you affirm, that there are other kingdoms and 
 states in the world inhabited by human creatures as 
 large as yourself, our philosophers are in much doubt, 
 and would rather conjecture that you dropped from the 
 moon, or one of the stars ; because it is certain, that an 
 hundred mortals of your bulk would, in a short time, de- 
 stroy all the fruits and cattle of his Majesty's dominions. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 53 
 
 Besides, our histories of six thousand moons make no 
 mention of any other regions, than the two great empires 
 of LUliput and Blefuscu. Which two mighty powers 
 have, as I was going to tell you, been engaged m^ most 
 obstinate war for six and thirty moons past. ^ began 
 upon the following occasion. It is allowed on all hands, 
 that the primitive way of breaking eggs before we eat 
 them, was upon the larger end : but his present Majesty's 
 grandfather, while he was a boy, going to eat an egg, and 
 breaking it according to the ancient practice, happened 
 to cut one of his fingers. Whereupon the Emperor his 
 father published an edict, commanding all his subjects, 
 upon great penalties, to break the smaller end of their 
 eggsj The people so highly resented this law, that our 
 hiafories tell us there have been six rebellions raised 
 on that account ; whereiruene Emperor lost his Ufe, 
 and another his crown, these civil commotions wgm 
 constantly fomented by the monarchs of Blefuscu;) 
 and when they were quelled, the exiles always fled tor 
 refuge to that empire. It is computed, that eleven 
 thousand persons have, at several times, suffered death, 
 rather than submit to break their eggs at the smaller end. 
 Many hundred large volumes have been published upon 
 this controversy : but the books of the Big-Endians 
 have been long forbidden, and the whole party rendered 
 incapable by law of holding employments. During the 
 course of these troubles, the Emperors of Blefuscu did 
 frequently expostulate by their ambassadors, accusing 
 us of making a schism in religion, by offending against 
 a fundamental doctrine of our great prophet Lustrog, 
 in the fifty-fourth chapter of the Brundecral (which is 
 their Alcoran). This, however, is thought to be a mere 
 strain upon the text : for the words are these ; That all 
 true believers shall break their eggs at the convenient end : 
 and which is the convenient end, seems, in my humble 
 
64 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 opinion, to be left to every man's conscience, or at least 
 in the power of the chief magistrate to determine. Now 
 the Big-Endian exiles have found so much credit in the 
 Emperor of Blefuscu's court, and so much private 
 assistance and encouragement from their party here at 
 home, that a bloody war hath been carried on between 
 the two empires for six and thirty moons with various 
 success ; during which time we have lost forty capital 
 ships, and a much greater number of smaller vessels, 
 together with thirty thousand of our best seamen and 
 soldiers ; and the damage received by the enemy is 
 reckoned to be somewhat greater than ours. However, 
 they have now equipped a numerous fleet, and are just 
 preparing to make a descent upon us ; and his Imperial 
 Majesty, placing great confidence in your valour and 
 strength, hath commanded me to lay this account of his 
 affairs before you. 
 
 I desired the Secretary to present my humble duty to 
 
 I the Emperor, and to let him know, that I thought it 
 
 jwould not become me, who was a foreigner, to interfere 
 
 jwith parties ; but I was ready, with the hazard of my 
 
 fe, to defend his person and state against all inveiders. 
 
CHAP. V 
 
 The Author, by an adraordinary stratagem, prevents an invasion, 
 A high title of Jionour is conferred upon him. Ambassadors arrive 
 from the Emperor of Blefascu, and sue for peace. The Empress's 
 apartment on fire by an accident. The Author instrumental in 
 saving the rest of the palace. 
 
 The Empire of Blefuscu is an island situated to the 
 north-north-east side of Lilliput, from whence it is 
 parted only by a channel of eight hundred yards wide. 
 I had not yet seen it, and upon this notice of an intended 
 invasion, I avoided appearing on that side of the coast, 
 for fear of being discovered by some of the enemy's 
 ships, who had received no intelligence of me, all inter- 
 course between the two empires having been strictly 
 forbidden during the war, upon pain of death, and an 
 embargo laid by our Emperor upon all vessels whatsoever. 
 I communicated^^ his Majesty a project I had formed 
 of seizing the enemy's whole fleet : which, as our scouts 
 assured us, lay at anchor in the harbour ready to sail 
 with the first fair wind. I consulted the most experienced 
 seamen, upon the depth of the channel, which they had 
 often plumbed, who told me, that in the middle at 
 high-water it was seventy glumglujfs deep, which is 
 about six foot of European measure ; and the rest of it 
 fifty glumgluffs at most. I walked towards the north-east 
 coast over against Blefuscu ; and lying down behind 
 a hillock, took out my small pocket perspective-glass, 
 and viewed the enemy's fleet at anchor, consisting oi 
 about fifty men of war, and a great number of transports : 
 I then came back to my house, and gave order (for which 
 I had a warrant) for a great quantity of the strongest 
 cabin and bars of iron. The cable was about as thick as 
 
B6 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 packthread, and the bars of the length and size of 
 a knitting-needle. I trebled the cable to make it 
 stronger, and for the same reason I twisted three of the 
 iron bars together, binding the extremities into a hook. 
 Having thus fixed fifty hooks to as many cables, I went 
 back to the north-east coast, and putting off my coat, 
 shoes, and stockings, walked into the sea in my leathern 
 jerkin, about half an hour before high water. I waded 
 with what haste I ooiild, and swam in the middle about 
 thirty yards till I felt ground ; I arrived at the fleet in 
 less than half an hour. The enemy was so frighted when 
 they saw me, that they leaped out of their ships, and 
 swam to shore, where there could not be fewer than 
 thirty thousand souls. I then took my tackling, and 
 fastening a hook to the hole at the prow of each, I tied all 
 the cordstogether at the end. While I was thus employed, 
 the enemy discharged several thousand arrows, many 
 of which stuck in my hands and face ; and besides the 
 excessive smart, gave me much disturbance in my work. 
 My greatest apprehension was for my eyes, which I should 
 have infallibly lost, if I had not suddenly thought of an 
 expedient. I kept among other little necessaries a pair 
 of spectacles in a private pocket, which, as I observed 
 before, had scaped the Emperor's searchers. These 
 I took out and fastened as strongly as I could upon my 
 nose, and thus armed went on boldly with my work in 
 spite of the enemy's arrows, many of which struck 
 against the glasses of my spectacles, but without any 
 other effect, further than a little to discompose them. 
 I had now fastened all the hooks, and taking the knot 
 in my hand, began to pull ; but not a ship would stir, 
 for they were all too fast held by their anchors, so that 
 the boldest part of my enterprise remained. I therefore 
 let go the cord, and leaving the hooks fixed to the ships, 
 I resolutely cut with my knife the cables that fastened 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 67 
 
 the anchors,! receiving above two hundred shots in 
 my face and muids ; then I took up the knotted end of 
 the cables to which my hooks were tied, and with 
 great eage drew fifty of the enemy's largest men-of-war 
 after me./ 
 
 The^JSWfuscudians, who had not the least imagination 
 of what I intejwied, were at first confounded with 
 astonishment. iThey had seen me cut the cables, and 
 thought my desiga^as only to let the ships run a-drift, 
 or fall foul on each other : but when they perceived the 
 whole fleet moving in order, and saw me pulling at the 
 end, they set up such a scream of grief and de^iair, that 
 it is almost impossible to describe or conceive/ When 
 I had got out of danger, I stopt awhile to pick out the 
 arrows that stuck in my hands and face, and rubbed 
 on some of the same ointment that was given me at my 
 first arrival, as I have formerly mentioned. I then took 
 ofE my spectacles, and waiting about an hour, till the 
 tide was a little fallen, I waded through the middle 
 with my cargo, and arrived safe at the royal port of 
 LUliput. 
 
 The Emperor and his whole court stood on the shore 
 expecting the issue of this great adventure. They 
 saw the ships move forward in a large half-moon, but 
 could not discern me, who was up to my breast in water. 
 When I advanced to the middle of the channel, they 
 were yet in more pain, because I was under water to 
 my neck. The Emperor concluded me to be drowned, 
 and that the enemy's fleet was approaching in a hostile 
 manner : but he was soon eased of his fears, for the 
 channel growing shallower every step I made, I came in 
 a short time within hearing, and holding up the end of 
 the cable by which the fleet was fastened, I cried in a loud 
 xoioeljang live the most puissant Emperor of Lillipv^l 
 This great prince received me at my landing with all 
 
58 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 possible encomiums, and created me a Nardac upon the 
 spot, which is the highest title of honour among them. 
 His Majesty desired I would take some other oppor- 
 tunity of bringing all the rest of his enemy's ships into 
 his ports. And so unmeasureable is the ambition of 
 princes, that he seemed to think of nothing less than 
 reducing the whole empire of Blefuscu into a province, 
 and governing it by a Viceroy ; of destroying the Big- 
 Endian exiles, and compelling that people to break the 
 smaller end of their eggs, by which^ would remain the 
 sole monarch of the whole world. /But I endeavoured to 
 divert him from this design, by many arguments drawn 
 from the topics of policy as well as justice ; and I plainly 
 protested, that I would never be an instrument of 
 bringing ^ free and brave people into slave ^7\ And 
 when the matter was debated in council, the wisest part 
 oL^e ministry were of my opinion. 
 
 jytwa open bold declaration of mine was so opposite to 
 the schemes and politics of his Imperial Majesty, that he 
 could never forgive I^ he mentioned it in a very artful 
 manner at council, where I was told that some of the 
 wisest appeared, at least by their silence, to be of my 
 opinion ; but others, who were my secret enemies, could 
 not forbear some expressions, which by a side-wind 
 reflected on me. And from this time began an intrigue 
 between his Majesty and a junto of ministers maliciously 
 bent against me,which broke out in less than two months, 
 and had like to have ended in my utter destruction. 
 Of so little weight are the greatest services to princes, 
 when put into the balance with a refusal to gratify their 
 pasgions. 
 
 /Ab out three weeks after this exploit, there arrived 
 a solemn embassy from Blefuscu, with humble ofEers of 
 a peace ; which was soon concluded upon conditiona 
 very advantageous to our Emperor, wherewith I shall 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 69 
 
 not trouble the readerA There were six ambassadors, 
 with a train of aboufBve hundred persons, and their 
 entry was very magnificent, suitable to the grandeur of 
 their master, and the importance of their business. 
 When their treaty was finished, wherein I did them 
 several good offices by the credit I now had, or at least 
 appeared to have at court, their Excellencies, who were 
 privately told how much I had been their friend, made 
 me a visit in form. They began with many compliments 
 upon my valour and generosity, invited me to that 
 kingdom in the Emperor their master's name, and 
 desired me to show them some proofs of my prodigious 
 strength, of which they had heard so many wonders ; 
 wherein I readily obliged them, but shall not trouble 
 the reader with the particulars. 
 
 When I had for some time entertained their Excellen- 
 cies, to their infinite satisfaction and surprise, I desired 
 they would do me the honour to present my most humble 
 respects to the Emperor their master, the renown of 
 whose virtues had so justly filled the whole world with 
 admiration, and whose royal person I resolved to attend 
 before I returned to my own country : accordingly, the 
 next time I had the honour to see our Emperor, I desired 
 his general licence to wait on the Blefuscudian monarch, 
 which he was pleased to grant me, as I could plainly 
 perceive, in a very cold manner ; but could not guess 
 the reason, till I had a whisper from a certain person, 
 that Flimnap and Bolgolam had represented my inter- 
 course with those ambassadors as a mark of disaffection, 
 from which I am sure my heart was wholly free. And 
 this was the first time I began to conceive some imperfect 
 idea of courts and ministers. 
 
 It is to be observed, that these ambassadors spoke to 
 me by an interpreter, the languages of both empires 
 differing as much from each other as any two in Europe, 
 
60 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 and each nation priding itself upon the antiquity, beauty, 
 and energy of their own tongues, with an avowed 
 contempt for that of their neighbour ; yetfour Emperor, 
 standing upon the advantage he had got by the seizure 
 of their fleet, obliged them to deliver their credentials, 
 and make their speech in the Lilliputian tongue^ And it 
 Eiust be confessed, that from the great intercourse of 
 ;rade and commerce between both realms, from the 
 iontinual reception of exiles, which is mutual among 
 ;hem, and from the custom in each empire to send their 
 jfoung nobility and richer gentry to the other, in order to 
 Dolish themselves by seeing the world and understanding 
 pnen and manners ; there are few persons of distinction, 
 for merchants, or seamen, who dwell in the maritime 
 parts, but what can hold conversation in both tongues ; 
 as I found some weeks after, when I went to pay my 
 respects to the Emperor of Blefuscu, which in the 
 midst of great misfortunes, through the malice of my 
 enemies, proved a very happy adventure to me, as I shall 
 jelate in its proper place. 
 
 The reader may remember, that when I signed those 
 articles upon which I recovered my liberty, there were 
 some which I disliked upon account of their being too 
 servile, neither could anything but an extreme necessity 
 have forced me to submit. But being now a Nardac, of 
 the highest rank in that empire, such ofi&ces were looked 
 upon as below my dignity, and the Emperor (to do him 
 justice) never once mentioned them to me. However, 
 it was not long before I had an opportunity of doing 
 his Majesty, at least, as I then thought, a most signal 
 service. I was alarmed at midnight with the cries of 
 many hundred people at my door ; by which being 
 suddenly awaked, I was in some kind of terror. I 
 heard the word burglum repeated incessantly : several 
 of the Emperor's court, making their way through the 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 61 
 
 crowd, entreated me to come immediately to the palace, 
 where her Imperial Majesty's apartment was on fire, 
 by the carelessness of a maid of honour, who fell asleep 
 while she was reading a romance. I got up in an instant ; 
 and orders being given to clear the way before me, and 
 it being Ukewlse a moonshine night, I made a shift to 
 get to the Palace without trampHng on any of the 
 people. I found they had already appUed ladders to 
 the walls of the apartment, and were well provided 
 with buckets, but the water was at some distance. 
 These buckets were about the size of a large thimble, 
 and the poor people supphed me with them as fast 
 as they could ; but the flame was so violent that they 
 did little good. I might easily have stifled it with my 
 coat, which I unfortunately left behind me fo^ haste, 
 and came away only in my leathern jerkin. \^e case 
 seemed wholly desperate and deplorable ; and this 
 magnificent palace would have infaUibly been burnt 
 down to the ground, if, by a presence of mind, unusu^ 
 to me, I had not suddenly thought of an expedienj/ 
 I had the evening before drunk plentifully of a most 
 deHcious wine, called glimigrim, (the Blefuscudians call 
 it fiunec, but ours, is esteemed the better sort) which 
 Is very diuretic. /By, the luckiest chance in the world, 
 I had not discharged myself of any part of it. The heat 
 I had contracted by coming very near the flames, and 
 by labouring to quench them, made the wine begin to ' 
 operate by urine ; which I voided in such a quantity, 
 and applied so well to the proper places, that in three 
 minutes the fire was wholly extinguished, and the 
 rest of that noble pile, which had cost so many ages in 
 erecting, preserved from destructionX 
 
 It was now day-light, and I i^rorned to my bouse 
 without waiting to congratulate with the Emperor : 
 because, although I had done a very eminent piece of 
 
62 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 service, yet I could not tell how his Majesty might 
 Ji^aent the manner by which I had performed it : for, 
 \by the fundamental laws of the realm, it is capital in 
 any person, of what quaUty qflgyer, to make water 
 within the precincts of the palace? But I was a lit^Je 
 comforted by a message froB»--*ns Majesty, tha£^e 
 would give orders to the Grand Justiciary for jassing 
 my pardon in form; which, however, I could not 
 bbtam. And i wJCs privately assured, that the Empress, 
 conceiving the greatest abhorrence of what I had done, 
 removed to the most distant side of the court, firmly 
 resolved that those buildings should never be repaired 
 for her use : and, in the presence of her chief confidents 
 could not forbear vowing revenge. 
 
CHAP. VI 
 
 0] (he inhabitavU oj Lilliput ; their learning, laws, and customs, tht 
 manner of educating their children. The Author's way of living 
 in that country. His vindication of a great lady. 
 
 (aui 
 
 ^Alt hough I intend to leave the description of this 
 empire to a particular treatise^, yet in the mean time 
 I am content to gratify the curious reader with some 
 general ide as .1 As the common size of the natives is 
 somewhat under six inches high, so there is an ^fiT""*^ 
 proportion in all other animals, a s well aa p lants fi.nH- 
 trees : for instaflCtJ, LhU IkllesL horses and oxen are 
 between four and five inches in height, the sheep an 
 inch and a half, more or less : their geese about the 
 bigness of a sparrow, and so the several gradations 
 downwards till you come to th& smallest, which, to my 
 sight, were almost invisible ; fcut nature hath adapted 
 the eyes of the Lilliputians to all objects proper for their 
 view : they see with great exactness, but at no great 
 distanceTV And to show the sharpness of their sight 
 towards ODJects that are near, I have been much pleased 
 with observing a cook pulling a lark, which was not so 
 large as a common fly ; and a young girl threading an 
 invisible needle with invisible silk. Their tallest trees 
 are about seven foot high ; I mean some of those in the 
 great royal park, the tops whereof I could but just reach 
 with my fist clenched. The other vegetables are in the 
 same proportion ; but this I leave to the reader's 
 imagination. 
 
 I shall say but little at present of their learning, which 
 for many ages hath flourished in all its branches among 
 them : but their manner of writing is very peculiar, 
 
64 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 being neither from the left to the right, like the Europeans ; 
 nor from the right to the left, like the Arabians ; nor 
 from up to down, like the Chinese ; nor from down to 
 up, like the Cascagians ; but aslant from one corner of 
 the paper to the other, like ladies in England. 
 
 They bury their dead with their heads directly down- 
 wards, because they hold an opinion, that in eleven 
 thousand moons they are all to rise again, in which 
 period the earth (which they conceive to be flat) will 
 turn upside down, and by this means they shall, at their 
 resurrection, be found ready standing on their feet. 
 The learned among them confess the absurdity of this 
 doctrine, but the practice still continues, in compliance 
 to ijie vulgar. 
 
 yhere are some laws and customs in this empire very 
 peculiai^, and if they were not sp^rectly contrary to 
 those of my own dear country Jl^ should be tempted 
 to say a little in their justification. It is only to be 
 wished that they were as well executed. The first I shall 
 mention relates to informers. All crimes against the 
 state are punished here with the utmost severity ; but 
 if the person accused maketh his innocence plainly to 
 appear upon his trial, the accuser is immediately put to 
 an ignominious death ; and out of his goods or lands, 
 the innocent person is quadruply recompensed for the 
 loss of his time, for the danger he underwent, for the 
 hardship of his imprisonment, and for all the charges he 
 hath been at in making his defenc'e\ Or, if that fund 
 be deficient, it is largely supplied*Sy the Crown. The 
 Emperor does also confer on him some public mark of 
 his favour, and proclamation is made of his innocence 
 through the whole city. 
 
 They look upon fraud as a greater crime than theft, 
 and therefore seldom fail to punish it with death ; for 
 they allege, that care and vigilance, with a very common 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 65 
 
 understanding, may preserve a man's goods from thieves^ 
 but honesty has no fence against superior cunning ; and 
 since it is necessary that there should be a perpetual 
 intercourse of buying and selling, and dealing upon 
 credit, where fraud is permitted and connived at, or 
 hath no law to punish it, the honest dealer is always 
 undone, and the knave gets the advantage. I remember 
 when I was once interceding with the King for a criminal 
 who had wronged his master of a great sum of money, 
 which he had received by order, and ran away with ; 
 and happening to tell his Majesty, by way of extenuation, 
 that it was only a breach of trust ; the Emperor thought 
 it monstrous in me to offer, as a defence, the greatest 
 aggravation of the crime : and truly I had little to say 
 in return, farther than the common answer, that difierent 
 nations had diSerent customs; for, i confess, I was 
 heartily ashamed. 
 
 Although we usually call reward and punishment the 
 two hinges upon which all government turns, yet I could 
 never observe this maxim to be-fsit in practice by any 
 nation except that of Lilliput. Whoever can there bring 
 sufficient proof that he hath strictly observed the laws of 
 his country for seventy three moons, hath a claim to 
 certain privileges, according to his quality and condition 
 of lite, with a proportionable sum of money out of a fund 
 appropriated for that us^ he likewise acquires the title 
 of Snilpall, or Legal, which is added to his name, but 
 does not descend to his posterity. And these people 
 thought it a prodigious defect of policy among us, when 
 I told them that our laws were enforced only by penalties 
 without any mention of reward. It is upon tins' account 
 that the image of Justice, in their courts of judicature, is 
 formed with six eyes, two before, as many behind, and 
 on each side one, to signify circumspection; with a bag 
 of gold open in her right hand, and a sword sheathed in 
 
66 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 her left, to show she is more disposed to reward than to 
 punish. 
 
 In choosing persons for all employments, they have 
 more regard to good morals than to great abilities ; for, 
 since government is necessary to mankind, they believe 
 that the common size of human understandings is fitted 
 to some station or other, and that Providence never 
 intended to make the management of public affairs 
 a mystery, to be comprehended only by a few persons 
 of sublime genius, of which there seldom are three born 
 in an age : but they suppose truth, justice, temperance, 
 and the like, to be in every man's power ; the practice 
 of which virtues, assisted by experience and a good 
 intention, would qualify any man for the service of his 
 country, except where a course of study is required. 
 But they thought the want of moral virtues was so far 
 from being supplied by superior endowments of the 
 mind, that employments could never be put into such 
 dangerous hands as those of persons so qualified ; and 
 at least, that the mistakes committed by ignorance in 
 a virtuous disposition, would never be of such fatal 
 consequence to the public weal, as the practices of a man 
 whose inclinations led him to be corrupt, and had great 
 abilities to manage, and multiply, and defend his 
 corruptions. 
 
 In like manner, the disbelief of a Divine Providence 
 renders a man uncapable of holding any public station ; 
 for, since kings avow themselves to be the deputies of 
 Providence, the Lilliputians think nothiog can be more 
 absurd than for a prince to employ such men as disown 
 the authority under which he acts. 
 
 In relating these and the following laws, I would only 
 be understood to mean the original institutions, and not 
 the most scandalous corruptions into which these people 
 are fallen by the degenerate nature of man. For as to 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPDT 67 
 
 that infamous practice of acquiring great employments 
 by dancing on the ropes, or badges of favour and 
 distinction by leaping over sticks and creeping under 
 them, the reader is to observe, that they were first 
 introduced by the grandfather of the Emperor now 
 reigning, and grew to the present height by the gradual 
 increase of party and faction. 
 
 Ingratitude is among them a capital crime, as we 
 read it to have been in some other countries ; for they 
 reason thus, that whoever makes HI returns to his 
 benefactor, must needs be a common enemy to the 
 rest of mankind, from whom he hath received no 
 obligation, and therefore such a man is not fit to live. 
 XTheir notions relating to the duties of parents and 
 children differ extremely from ours.j For since the con- 
 junction of male and female is founded upon the great 
 law of nature, in order to propagate and continue the 
 species, the Lilliputians will needs have it, that men 
 and women are joined together like other animals, by 
 the motives of concupiscence ; and that their tender- 
 ness towards their young proeeeds from the like natural 
 principle : for which reasorlthey will never allow, that 
 a child is under any obligation to his father for begettijm. 
 him, or his mother for bringing him into the world»jJ 
 which, considering the miseries of human Ufe, was 
 neither a benefit in itself, nor intended so by his parents, 
 whose thoughts in their love-encounters were otherwise 
 employed. Upon these, and the hke reasonings, their 
 opinion is, that parents are the last of aU others to be 
 trusted with the education of their own children : and 
 therefore they have in every town public nurseries, 
 where aU parents, except cottagers and labourers, are 
 obliged to send their infants of both sexes to be reared 
 and educated when they come to the age of twenty 
 moons, at which time they are supposed to have some 
 
68 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 rudiments of docility. These schools are of several 
 kinds, suited to different qualities, and to both sexes. 
 They have certain professors well skilled in preparing 
 chUdren for such a condition of life as befits the rank 
 of their parents, and their own capacities as well as 
 inclinations. I shall first say something of the male 
 nurg^ries, and then of the female. 
 
 /The nurseries for males of noble or eminent birth, are 
 provided with grave and learned professors, and their 
 several deputie^ The clothes and food of the children 
 are plain and simple. They are T^^f^rl npi|| ||]ii j^iiiiin i|i]i ii 
 irf_hnnnnr, juntir p- cniirap r e, modesty, clemen '^yi rpHfrinn, 
 and love of their cnim tr y ; they are a 'yPT^" '^"'p'"yrif^ I" 
 s ome business, except'ih the times o: '' flftitif" "'""^ °iAPpi"nrr 
 •^ich are very sho rt, and two hoi ^Tfi ^'"'' Hivprginnfi 
 'E bnsistm p ; of hridily exe rcises. They are dressed by men 
 Kll four years of age, and then are obliged to dress 
 themselves, although their quality be ever so great; 
 and the women attendants, who are aged proportionably 
 to ours at fifty, perform only the most menial offices. 
 They are never suffered to converse with servants, but 
 go together in small or greater numbers to take their 
 diversions, and always in the presence of a professor, or 
 one of his deputies ; whereby they avoid those early 
 bad impressions of folly and vice to which our children 
 are subject. Their parents are suffered to see them only 
 twice a year ; the visit is to last but an hour. They are 
 allowed to kiss the child at meeting and parting ; but 
 a professor, who always stands by on those occasions, 
 will not suffer them to whisper, or use any fondling 
 expressions, or bring any presents of toys, sweetmeats, 
 and the like. 
 
 The pension from each family for the education and 
 entertainment of a child, upon failure of due payment, 
 is levied by the Emperor's officers. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 69 
 
 The nurseries for children of ordinary gentlemen, 
 merchants, traders, and handicrafts, are managed 
 proportionably after the same manner ; only those 
 designed for trades are put out apprentices at eleven 
 years old, whereas those of persons of quality continue 
 in their exercises till fifteen, which answers to one and 
 twenty with us : but the confinement is gradually 
 lessened for the last three years. 
 
 An the female nurseries, the young girls of quality are 
 edfitated much like the males, only they are dressed by 
 orderly servants of their own sex ; but always in the 
 presence of a professor or deputy,>*ill they come to dress 
 themselves, which is at five years o^/ And if it be found 
 that these nurses ever presume to entertain the girls with 
 frightful or foolish stories, or the common follies practised 
 by chambermaids among us, they are publicly whipped 
 thrice about the city, imprisoned for a year, and banished 
 for life to the most desolate part of the country. Thue 
 the young ladies there are as much ashamed of being 
 cowards and fools as the men, and despise all personal 
 ornaments beyond decency and cleanliness : neither did 
 I perceive any difference in their education, made by 
 their difference of sex, only that the exercises of the 
 females were not altogether so robust ; and that some 
 rules were given them relating to domestic life, ^d 
 a smaller compass of learning was enjoined them :(for 
 their maxim is, that among people of quality a wife 
 should be always a reasonable and agjeeable companion, 
 because she cannot always be youn.gJl When the girls 
 are twelve years old, which among them is the marriage- 
 able age, their parents or guardians take them home, 
 with great expressions of gratitude to the professors, 
 and seldom without tears of the young lady and her 
 companions. 
 
 In the nurseries of females of the meaner sort, the 
 
70 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 children are instructed in all kinds of works proper for 
 their sex, and their several degrees : those intended for 
 apprentices are dismissed at nine years old, the rest are 
 kept to thirteen. 
 
 The meaner families who have children at these 
 nurseries, are obliged, besides their annual pension, 
 which is as low as possible, to return to the steward of 
 the nursery a small monthly share of their gettings, to 
 be a portion for the child ; and therefore all parents 
 are limited in their expenses by the law. For the 
 Lilliputians think nothing can be more unjust, than 
 for people, in subservience to their own appetites, to 
 bring children into the world and leave the burthen of 
 supporting them on the public. As to persons of quality, 
 they give security to appropriate a certain sum for 
 each child, suitable to their condition ; and these funds 
 are always managed with good husbandry, and the 
 most exact justice. 
 
 The cottagers and labourers keep their children at 
 home, their business being only to till and cultivate the 
 earth, and therefore their education is of little conse- 
 quence to the public ; but the old and diseased among 
 them are supported by hospitals : for begging is a trade 
 unknown in this kingdom. 
 
 And here it may perhaps divert the curious reader, to 
 give some account of my domestics, and my manner of 
 living in this country, during a residence of nine months 
 and thirteen days. Having a head mechanically turned, 
 and being likewise forced by necessity, I had made for 
 myself a table and chair convenient enough, out of the 
 largest trees in the royal park. Two hundred semp- 
 stresses were employed to make me shirts, and linen for 
 my bed and table, all of the strongest and coarsest kind 
 they could get ; which, however, they were forced to 
 quilt together in several folds, for the thickest was some 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 11 
 
 degrees finer than lawn. Their linen is usually three 
 inches wide, and three foot make a piece. The semp- 
 stresses took my measure as I lay on the ground, one 
 standing at my neck, and another at my mid-leg, with 
 a strong cord extended, that each held by the end, while 
 the third measured the length of the cord with a rule of 
 an inch long. Then they measured my right thumb, and 
 desired no more ; for by a mathematical computation, 
 that twice round the thumb is once round the wrist, and 
 80 on to the neck and the waist, and by the help of my 
 old shirt, which I displayed on the ground before them 
 for a pattern, they fitted me exactly. Three hundred 
 tailors were employed in the same manner to make me 
 clothes ; but they had another contrivance for taking 
 my measure. I kneeled down, and they raised a ladder 
 from the ground to my neck ; upon this ladder one of 
 them mounted, and let fall a plumb-line from my collar 
 to the floor, which just answered the length of my coat; 
 but my waist and arms I measured myself. When my 
 clothes were finished, which was done in my house (for 
 the largest of theirs would not have been able to hold 
 them) they looked like the patch-work made by the 
 ladies in England, only that mine were all of a colour 
 I had three hundred cooks to dress my victuals, in 
 little convenient huts built about my house, where they 
 and their families lived, and prepared me two dishes 
 a-piece. I took up twenty waiters in my hand, and 
 placed them on the table ; an hundred more attended 
 below on the ground, some with dishes of meat, and 
 some with barrels of wine, and other liquors, slung on 
 their shoulders ; all which the waiters above drew up 
 as I wanted, in a very ingenious manner, by certain 
 cords, as we draw the bucket up a well in Europe. 
 A dish of their meat was a good mouthful, and a barrel 
 of their liquor a reasonable draught. Their mutton 
 
72 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 yields to ours, but their beef is excellent. I bave had 
 a sirloin so large, that I have been forced to make three 
 bits of it ; but this is rare. My servants were astonished 
 to see me eat it bones and all, as in our country we do the 
 leg of a lark. Their geese and turkeys I usually ate at 
 a mouthful, and I must confess they far exceed ours. 
 Of their smaller fowl I could take up twenty or thirty at 
 the end of my knife. 
 
 One day his Imperial Majesty, being informed of my 
 way of living, desired that himself and his Royal Consort, 
 with the young Princes of the blood of both sexes, might 
 have the happiness (as he was pleased to call it) of dining 
 with me. They came accordingly, and I placed 'em 
 upon chairs of state on my table, just over against me, 
 with their guards about them. Flimnap, the Lord High 
 Treasurer, attended there likewise with his white staff ; 
 and I observed he often looked on me with a sour 
 countenance, which I would not seem to regard, but 
 ate more than usual, in honour to my dear country, as 
 well as to fill the court with admiration. I have some 
 private reasons to believe, that this visit from his 
 Majesty gave Flimnap an opportunity of doing me ill 
 offices to his master. That minister had always been my 
 secret enemy, though he outwardly caressed me more 
 than was usual to the moroseness of his nature. He 
 represented to the Emperor the low condition of his 
 treasury ; that he was forced to take up money at great 
 discount ; that exchequer bills would not circulate 
 under nine per cent, below par ; that in short I had 
 cost his Majesty above a million and a half of sprugs 
 (their greatest gold coin, about the bigness of a spangle) ; 
 and upon the whole, that it would be advisable in the 
 Emperor to take the first fair occasion of dismissing me. 
 
 I am here obliged to vindicate the reputation of an 
 excellent lady, who was an innocent sufEerer upon my 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 73 
 
 account. The Treasurer took a fancy to be jealous of 
 his wife, from the malice of some evil tongues, who 
 informed him that her Grace had taken a violent affection 
 for my person ; and the court-scandal ran for some time, 
 that she once came privately to my lodging. This 
 I solemnly declare to be a most infamous falsehood, 
 without any grounds, farther than that her Grace was 
 pleased to treat me with all innocent marks of freedom 
 and friendship. I own she came often to my house, but 
 always publicly, nor ever without three more in the 
 coach, who were usually her sister and young daughter, 
 and some particular acquaintance ; but this was common 
 to many other ladies of the court. And I still appeal to 
 my servants round, whether they at any time saw a coach 
 at my door without knowing what persons were in it 
 On those occasions, when a servant had given me notice, 
 my custom was to go immediately to the door ; and, 
 after paying my respects, to take up the coach and two 
 horses very carefully in my hands (for if there were six 
 horses, the postillion always unharnessed four) and place 
 them on a table, where I had fixed a moveable rim quite 
 round, of five inches high, to prevent accidents. And 
 I have often had four coaches and horses at once on my 
 table full of company, while I sat in my chair leaning 
 my face towards them ; and when I was engaged with 
 one set, the coachmen would gently drive the others 
 round my table. I have passed many an afternoon 
 very agreeably in these conversations. But I defy the 
 Treasurer, or his two informers (I will name them, and 
 let 'em make their best of it) Clustril and Drunlo, to prove 
 that any person ever came to me incognito, except the 
 secretary Reldresal, who was sent by express command 
 of his Imperial Majesty, as I have before related. 
 I should not have dwelt so long upon this particular, if 
 it had not been a point wherein the reputation of a great 
 
74 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 lady is bo nearly concerned, to say nothing of my own ; 
 though I then had the honour to be & Nardac, which the 
 Treasurer himself is not ; for all the world knows he is 
 only a Clumglum, a title inferior by one degree, as that 
 of a Marquis is to a Duke in England, although I allow 
 he preceded me in right of his post. These false informa- 
 tions, which I afterwards came to the knowledge of, by 
 an accident not proper to mention, made Flimnap the 
 Treasurer show his lady for some time an ill countenance, 
 and me a worse ; and although he were at last undeceived 
 and reconciled to her, yet I lost all credit with him, and 
 found my interest decline very fast with the Emperor 
 himself, who was indeed too much governed by that 
 favourite. 
 
CHAP. VII 
 
 The Author, being informed of a design to accuse him of high treason, 
 malces his escape to Blefuscu. His reception there. 
 
 BBrOEE I proceed to give an account of my leaving 
 this kingdom, it may be proper to inform the reader of 
 a private intrigue which had been for two months forming 
 against me. 
 
 I had been hitherto all my life a stranger to courts, 
 for which I was unqualified by the meanness of my con- 
 dition. I had indeed heard and read enough of the 
 dispositions of great princes and ministers ; but never 
 expected to have found such terrible effects of them in 
 BO remote a country, governed, as I thought, by very 
 different maxims from those in Europe. 
 
 When I was just preparing to pay my attendance on 
 the Emperor of Blefuscu, a considerable person at court 
 (to whom I had been very serviceable at a time when 
 he lay under the highest displeasure of his Imperial 
 Majesty) came to my house very privately at night in 
 a close chair, and without sending his name, desired 
 admittance. The chairmen were dismissed ; I put the 
 chair, with his Lordship in it, into my coat-pocket : and 
 giving orders to a trusty servant to say I was indisposed 
 and gone to sleep, I fastened the door of my house, placed 
 the chair on the table, according to my usual custom, 
 and sat down by it. After the common salutations 
 were over, observing his Lordship's countenance full of 
 concern, and enquiring into the reason, he desired 1 
 would hear him with patience in a matter that highly 
 concerned my honour and my life. His speech was to 
 the following effect, for I took notes of it as soon as he 
 left me. 
 
76 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 You are to know, said he, that several Committees ol 
 Council have been lately called in the most private 
 manner on your account ; and it is but two days since 
 his Majesty came to a full resolution. 
 
 You are very sensible that Skyresh Bolgolam {Galbet, 
 or High Admiral) hath been your mortal enemy almost 
 ever since your arrival. His original reasons I know 
 not, but his hatred is much increased since your great 
 success against Blefuscu, by which his glory as Admiral 
 is obscured. This Lord, in conjunction with Flimnap 
 the High Treasurer, whose enmity against you is noto- 
 rious on account of his lady, Limtoc the General, Lalcon 
 the Chamberlain, and BalmufE the Grand Justiciary, 
 have prepared articles of impeachment against you, for 
 treason, and other capital crimes. 
 
 This preface made me so impatient, being conscious 
 of my own merits and innocence, that I was going to 
 interrupt ; when he entreated me to be silent, and thus 
 proceeded. 
 
 Out of gratitude for the favours you have done me, 
 I procured information of the whole proceedings, and 
 a copy of the articles, wherein I venture my head for 
 your service. 
 
 Articles of Impeachment against Quinbus Flestrin 
 (the Man-Mountain) 
 
 Abticle I 
 Whereas, by a statute made in the reign j>f ]p!> Imperial 
 Majesty Calin DefEar Plune, it is enacted! that whoever 
 shall make water within the precincts ot the royal 
 palace, shall be liable to the pains and penalties of 
 high treaso^ notwithstanding, the said Quinbus 
 Flestrin, in^^en breach of the said law, under colour 
 
A VOYAGE 10 LILLIPDT 77 
 
 of extinguishing the fire kindled in the apartment of 
 his Majesty's most dear Imperial Consort, did maU- 
 oiously, traitorously, and devilishly, by discharge of 
 his urine, put out the said fire kindled in the said apart- 
 ment, lying and being within the precincts of the said 
 royal palace, against the statute in that case provided, 
 etc., against the duty, etc. 
 
 Aeticlb II 
 
 That the said Quinbus Flestrin having brought the 
 imperial fleet of Blefuscu into the royal port, and being 
 afterwards commanded by his Imperial Majesty to seize 
 all the other ships of the said empire of Blefuscu, and 
 reduce that empire to a province, to be governed by 
 a Viceroy from hence, and to destroy and put to death 
 not only all the Big-Endian exUes, but likewise all the 
 people of that empire, who would not immediately for- 
 sake the Big-Endian heresy : He, the said Flestrin, like 
 a false traitor against his most Auspicious, Serene, Im- 
 perial Majesty, did petition to be excused from the said 
 service, upon pretence of unwillingness to force the con- 
 sciences, or destroy the liberties and lives of an innocent 
 people. 
 
 Akticle III 
 
 That, whereas certain ambassadors arrived from the 
 court of Blefuscu, to sue for peace in his Majesty's court : 
 He, the said Flestrin, did, like a false traitor, aid, abet, 
 comfort, and divert the said ambassadors, although he 
 knew them to be servants to a Prince who was lately 
 an open enemy to his Imperial Majesty, and in open 
 war against his said Majesty. 
 
 Article IV 
 That the said Quinbus Flestrin, contrary to the duty 
 of a faithful subject, is now preparing to make a voyage 
 
78 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 to the court and empire of Blefuscu, for which he hath 
 received only verbal licence from his Imperial Majesty ; 
 and under colour of the said licence, doth falsely and 
 traitorously intend to take the said voyage, and thereby 
 to aid, comfort, and abet the Emperor of Blefuscu, so 
 late an enemy, and in open war with his Imperial Majesty 
 aforesaid. 
 
 There are some other articles, but these are the most 
 important, of which I have read you an abstract. 
 
 In the several debates upon this impeachment, it must 
 be confessed that his Majesty gave many marks of his 
 great lenity, often urging the services you had done 
 him, and endeavouring to extenuate your crimes. The 
 Treasurer and Admiral insisted that you should be put 
 to the most painful and ignominious death, by setting 
 fire on your house at night, and the General was to 
 attend with twenty thousand men armed with poisoned 
 arrows to shoot you on the face and hands. Some of 
 your servants were to have private orders to strew a 
 poisonous juice on your shirts, which would soon make 
 you tear your own flesh, and die in the utmost torture. 
 The General came into the same opinion, so that for 
 a long time there was a majority against you. But his 
 Majesty resolving, if possible, to spare your life, at last 
 brought off the Chamberlain. 
 
 Upon this incident, Reldresal, principal Secretary for 
 Private Affairs, who always approved himself your true 
 friend, was commanded by the Emperor to deliver his 
 opinion, which he accordingly did ; and therein justified 
 the good thoughts you have of him. He allowed your 
 crimes to be great, but that still there was room for 
 mercy, the most commendable virtue in a prince, and 
 for which his Majesty was so justly celebrated. He 
 said, the friendship between you and him was so well 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 79 
 
 known to the world, that perhaps the most honourable 
 board might think him partial : however, in obedience 
 to the commandJie had received, he would freely offer 
 his sentiments. JThat if his Majesty, in consideration of 
 your services, a£d pursuant to his own merciful disposi- 
 tion, would please to spare your life, and only give order 
 to put out both your eyes, he humbly conceived that by 
 this expedient justice might in some measure be satis- 
 fied, and all the world would applaud the lenity of the 
 Emperor, as well as the fair and generous proceedings, 
 of those who have the honour to be his counsellors .J 
 That the loss of your eyes would be no impedimerff 
 to your bodily strength, by which you might stiU be 
 useful to his Majesty. That blindness is an addition 
 to courage, by concealing dangers from us ; that the 
 fear you had for your eyes was the greatest difficulty 
 in bringing over the enemy's fleet, and it would be 
 sufficient for you to see by the eyes of the miaisters, 
 B Jnce^ the greatest princes do no more. 
 ^_This proposal was receiv£jl-with the utmost disap- 
 probation by the whole board^ Bolgolam, the Admiral, 
 could not preserve his temper, but rising up in fury said 
 he wondered how the Secretary durst presume to give 
 his opinion for preserving the life of a traitor : that the 
 services you had performed, were, by all true reagoos 
 of state, the great aggravation of your crimes ; (jt ^ b at 
 you, who were able to extinguish the fire, by discharge 
 of urine in her Majesty's apartment (which he men- 
 tioned with horror), might, at another time, raise an 
 inundation by the same means, to drown the wnoie 
 palaceTJand the same strength which enabled you to 
 bringjwer the enemy's fleet, might serve, upon tne 
 first discontent, to carry it back : that he had good 
 reasons to think you were a Big-Endian in your heart ; 
 and as treason begins in the heart, before it appears 
 
80 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 in overt acts, so he accused you as a traitor on that 
 account, and therefore insisted you should be put to 
 death. 
 
 The Treasurer was of the same opinion ; he showed 
 to what straits his Majesty's revenue was reduced by 
 the charge of maintaining you, which would soon grow 
 insupportable : that the Secretary's expedient of putting 
 out your eyes was so far from being a remedy against 
 this evil, it would probably increase it, as it is manifest 
 from the common practice of blinding some kind of fowl, 
 after which they fed the faster, and grew sooner fat : 
 that his sacred Majesty and the Council, who are your 
 judges, were in their own consciences fully convinced of 
 your guilt, which was a sufficient argument to condemn 
 you to death, without the formal proofs required by 
 the strict letter of the law. 
 
 But his Imperial Majesty, fully determined against 
 capital punishment, was graciously pleased to say, that 
 since the Council thought the loss of your eyes too easy 
 a censure, some other may be inflicted hereafter. And 
 your friend the Secretary humbly desiring to be heard 
 again, in answer to what the Treasurer had objected 
 concerning the great charge his Majesty was at in main- 
 taining you, said that his Excellency, who had the sole 
 disposal of the Emperor's revenue, might easily provide 
 against that evil, by gradually lessening your establish- 
 ment ; by which, for want of sufficient food, you would 
 grow weak and faint, and lose your appetite, and conse- 
 quently decay and consume in a few months ; neither 
 would the stench of your carcass be then so dangerous, 
 when it should become more than half diminished ; and 
 immediately upon your death, five or six thousand of 
 his Majesty's subjects might, in two or three days, cut 
 your flesh from your bones, take it away by cart- 
 loads, and bury it in distant parts to prevent infection. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPDT 81 
 
 leaving the skeleton as a monument of admiration to 
 
 ^Thus by the great friendship of the Secretary, the 
 wnole aSair was compromised. It was strictly enjoined, 
 that the project of starving you by degrees should be 
 kept a secret, but the sejjience of putting out your eyes 
 was entered on the booksl none dissenting except Bol- 
 golam the Admiral, whofBeing a creature of the Empress, 
 was perpetually instigated by her Majesty to insist upon 
 your death, she having borne perpetual malice against 
 you, on account of that infamous and illegal method 
 you took to extinguish the fire in her apartment. 
 
 In three days your friend the Secretary will be directed 
 to come to your house, and read before you the articles 
 of impeachment ; and then to signify the great lenity 
 and favour of his Majesty and Council, whereby you 
 are only condemned to the loss of your eyes, which his 
 Majesty doth not question you will gratefully and 
 humbly submit to ; and twenty of his Majesty's sur- 
 geons will attend, in order to see the operation well 
 performed, by discharging very sharp-pointed arrows 
 into the balls of your eyes, as you lie on the ground. 
 
 I leave to your prudence what measures you will take ; 
 and to avoid suspicion, I must immediately return in as 
 private a manner as I came. 
 
 His Lordship did so, and I remained alone, under 
 many doubts and perplexities of mind. 
 
 It was a custom introduced by this prince and his 
 ministry (very different, as I have been assured, from 
 the practices of former times) that after the court had 
 decreed any cruel execution, either to gratify the 
 monarch's resentment, or the malice of a favourite, the 
 Emperor always made a speech to his whole Council, 
 expressing his great lenity and tenderness, as qualities 
 known and confessed by all the world. This speech was 
 
82 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 immediately published through the kingdom ; nor did 
 i any thing terrify the people so much as those encomiums 
 on his Majesty's mercy ; because it was observed, that 
 the more these praises were enlarged and insisted on, 
 the more inhuman was the punishment, and the sufferer 
 1, more innocent. And as to myself, I must confess, having 
 never been designed for a courtier either by my birth or 
 education, I was so ill a judge of things, that I could 
 not discover the lenity and favour of this sentence, but 
 conceived it (perhaps erroneously) rather to be rigorous 
 than gentle. I sometimes thought of standing my trial, 
 for although I could not deny the facts alleged in the 
 several articles, yet I hoped they would admit of some 
 extenuations. But having in my life perused many 
 state trials, which I ever observed to terminate as the 
 judges thought fit to direct, I durst not rely on so dan- 
 gerous a decision, in so critical a juncture, and against 
 such powerful enemies. Once I was strongly bent upon 
 resistance, for while I had liberty, the whole strength 
 of that empire could hardly subdue me, and I might 
 easily with stones pelt the metropolis to pieces ; but I 
 soon rejected that project with horror, by remembering 
 the oath I had made to the Emperor, the favours I 
 received from him, and the high title of Nardac he con- 
 ferred upon me. Neither had I so soon learned the 
 gratitude of courtiers, to persuade myself that his 
 Majesty's present severities quitted me of all past obli- 
 gations. 
 
 At last I fixed upon a resolution, for which it is prob- 
 able I may incur some censure, and not unjustly ; for 
 I confess I owe the preserving my eyes, and consequently 
 my liberty, to my own great rashness and want of expe- 
 rience : because if I had then known the nature of princes 
 and ministers, which I have since observed in many 
 other courts, and their methods of treating criminals 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 83 
 
 less obnoxious than myself, I should with great alacrity J 
 and readiness have submitted to so easy a punishment. | 
 But hurried on by the precipitancy of youth, and having 
 his Imperial Majesty's licence to pay my attendance 
 upon the Emperor of Blefuscu, I took this opportunity, 
 before the three days were elapsed, to send a letter to 
 my friend the Secretary, signifying my resolution of 
 setting out that morning for Blefuscu pursuant to the 
 leave I had got ; and without waiting for an answer, 
 I went to that side of the island where our fleet lay. I 
 seized a large man of war, tied a cable to the prow, and, 
 lifting up the anchors, I stripped myself, put my clothes 
 (together with my coverlet, which I brought under my 
 arm) into the vessel, and drawing it after me between 
 wading and swimming, arrived at the royal port of 
 Blefuscu, where the people had long expected me ; they 
 lent me two guides to direct me to the capital city, which 
 is of the same name. I held them in my hands till I 
 came within two hundred yards of the gate, and desired 
 them to signify my arrival to one of the secretaries, and 
 let him know, I there waited his Majesty's commands. 
 I had an answer in about an hour, that his Majesty, 
 attended by the Royal Family, and great ofiScers of 
 the court, was coming out to receive me. I advanced 
 an hundred yards. The Emperor and his train alighted 
 from their horses, the Empress and ladies from their 
 coaches, and I did not perceive they were in any fright 
 or concern. I lay on the ground to kiss his Majesty's 
 and the Empress's hand. I told his Majesty that I 
 was come according to my promise, and with the licence 
 of the Emperor my master, to have the honour of seeing 
 so mighty a monarch, and to oSer him any service in 
 my power, consistent with my duty to my own prince ; 
 not mentioning a word of my disgrace, because I had 
 hitherto no regular information of it, and might suppose 
 
84 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 myself wholly ignorant of any such design ; neither 
 could I reasonably conceive that the Emperor would 
 discover the secret while I was out of his power : wherem, 
 however, it soon appeared I was deceived. 
 
 I shall not trouble the reader with the particular 
 account of my reception at this court, which was suit- 
 able to the generosity of so great a prince ; nor of the 
 difficulties I was in for want of a house and bed, being 
 forced to lie on the ground, wrapped up in my coverlet. 
 
CHAP. VIII 
 
 The Author, by a liicTcy accident, finds means to leave Blefuscu ; and, 
 after some difficvlties, returns safe to his native country. 
 
 Three days after my arrival, walking out of curiosity 
 to the north-east coast of the island, I observed, about 
 half a league off, in the sea, somewhat that looked like 
 a boat overturned. I pulled o£E my shoes and stockings, 
 and wading two or three hundred yards, I found the 
 object to approach nearer by force of the tide ; and 
 then plainly saw it to be a real boat, which I supposed 
 might, by some tempest, have been driven from a ship ; 
 whereupon I returned immediately towards the city, 
 and desired his Imperial Majesty to lend me twenty of 
 the tallest vessels he had left after the loss of his fleet, 
 and three thousand seamen under the command of his 
 Vice-Admiral. This fleet sailed round, while I went 
 back the shortest way to the coast where I first dis- 
 covered the boat ; I found the tide had driven it still 
 nearer. The seamen were all provided with cordage, 
 which I had beforehand twisted to a sufficient strength. 
 When the ships came up, I stripped myself, and waded 
 till I came within an hundred yards of the boat, after 
 which I was forced to swim till I got up to it. The sea- 
 men threw me the end of the cord, which I fastened to 
 a hole in the fore-part of the boat, and the other end to 
 a man of war ; but I found all my labour to little pur- 
 pose ; for being out of my depth, I was not able to work. 
 In this necessity, I was forced to swim behind, and push 
 the boat forwards as often as I could, with one of my 
 hands; and the tide favouring me, I advanced so far, 
 
86 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 that I could just hold up my chin and feel the ground. 
 I rested two or three minutes, and then gave the boat 
 another shove, and so on till the sea was no higher than 
 my arm-pits ; and now the most laborious part being 
 over, I took out my other cables, which were stowed 
 in one of the ships, and fastening them first to the 
 boat, and then to nine of the vessels which attended me ; 
 the wind being favourable, the seamen towed, and I 
 shoved till we arrived within forty yards of the shore ; 
 and waiting till the tide was out, I got dry to the boat, 
 and by the assistance of two thousand men, with ropes and 
 engines, I made a shift to turn it on its bottom, and 
 found it was but little damaged. 
 
 I shall not trouble the reader with the difi&culties I 
 was under by the help of certain paddles, which cost me 
 ten days making, to get my boat to the royal port of 
 Blefuscu, where a mighty concourse of people appeared 
 upon my arrival, full of wonder at the sight of so pro- 
 digious a vessel. I told the Emperor that my good 
 fortune had thrown this boat in my way, to carry me to 
 some place from whence I might return into my native 
 country, and begged his Majesty's orders for getting 
 materials to fit it up, together with his licence to depart ; 
 which, after some kind expostulations, he was pleased 
 to grant. 
 
 I did very much wonder, in all this time, not to have 
 heard of any express relating to me from our Emperor 
 to the court of Blefuscu. But I was afterwards given 
 privately to understand, that his Imperial Majesty, 
 never imagining I had the least notice of his designs, 
 believed I was only gone to Blefuscu in performance of 
 my promise, according to the licence he had given me, 
 which was well known at our court, and would return 
 in a few days when that ceremony was ended. But he 
 was at last in pain at my long absence ; and after con- 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 87 
 
 Bulting with the Treasurer, and the rest of that cabal, 
 a person of quality was dispatched with the copy of the 
 articles against me. This envoy had instructions to 
 represent to the monarch of Blefuscu the great lenity 
 of his master, who was content to punish me no farther 
 than with the loss of my eyes ; that I had fled from 
 justice, and if I did not return in two hours, I should 
 be deprived of my title of Nardac, and declared a traitor. 
 The envoy further added, that in order to maintain the 
 peace and amity between both empires, his master 
 expected, that his brother of Blefuscu would give orders 
 to have me sent back to Lilliput, bound hand and foot, 
 to be punished as a traitor. 
 
 The Emperor of Blefuscu having taken three days to 
 consult, returned an answer consisting of many civilities 
 and excuses. He said, that as for sending me bound, 
 his brother knew it was impossible ; that although I 
 had deprived him of his fleet, yet he owed great obliga- 
 tions to me for many good offices I had done him in 
 making the peace. That however both their Majesties 
 would soon be made easy ; for I had found a prodigious 
 vessel on the shore, able to carry me on the sea, which 
 he had given order to fit up with my own assistance and 
 direction ; and he hoped in a few weeks both empires 
 would be freed from so insupportable an incumbrance. 
 
 With this answer the envoy returned to Lilliput, and 
 the monarch of Blefuscu related to me all that had past, 
 offering me at the same time (but under the strictest 
 confidence) his gracious protection, if I would continue 
 in his service ; wherein although I believed him sincere, 
 yet I resolved never more to put any confidence in 
 princes or ministers, where I could possibly avoid it; 
 and therefore, with all due acknowledgements for his 
 favourable intentions, I humbly begged to be excused, 
 I told him that since fortune, whether good or evil, had 
 
88 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 thrown a vessel in my way, I was resolved to venture 
 myself in the ocean, rather than be an occasion of 
 difference between two such mighty monarchs. Neither 
 did I find the Emperor at all displeased ; and I dis- 
 covered by a certain accident, that he was very glad 
 of my resolution, and so were most of his ministers. 
 
 These considerations moved me to hasten my depar- 
 ture somewhat sooner than I intended ; to which the 
 court, impatient to have me gone, very readily con- 
 tributed. Five hundred workmen were employed to 
 make two sails to my boat, according to my directions, 
 by quilting thirteen fold of their strongest linen together. 
 I was at the pains of making ropes and cables, by twist- 
 ing ten, twenty or thirty of the thickest and strongest 
 of theirs. A great stone that I happened to find, after 
 a long search, by the sea-shore, served me for an anchor. 
 I had the tallow of three hundred cows for greasing my 
 boat, and other uses. I was at incredible pains in cut- 
 ting down some of the largest timber-trees for oars and 
 masts, wherein I was, however, much assisted by his 
 Majesty's ship-carpenters, who helped me in smoothing 
 them, after I had done the rough work. 
 
 In about a month, when all was prepared, I sent to 
 receive his Majesty's commands, and to take my leave. 
 The Emperor and Royal Family came out of the palace ; 
 I lay down on my face to kiss his hand, which he very 
 graciously gave me : so did the Empress and young 
 Princes of the blood. His Majesty presented me with 
 fifty purses of two hundred sprugs a-piece, together with 
 his picture at full length, which I put immediately into 
 one of my gloves, to keep it from being hurt. The 
 ceremonies at my departure were too many to trouble 
 the reader with at this time. 
 
 I stored the boat with the carcases of an hundred oxen, 
 and three hundred sheep, with bread and drink pro- 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 89 
 
 portionable, and as much meat ready dressed as four 
 hundred cooks could provide. I took with me six cows 
 and two bulls alive, with as many ewes and rams, in- 
 tending to carry them into my own country, and propa- 
 gate the breed. And to feed them on board, I had a 
 good bundle of hay, and a bag of com. I would gladly 
 have taken a dozen of the natives, but this was a thiag 
 the Emperor would by no means permit ; and besides 
 a diligent search into my pockets, his Majesty engaged 
 my honour not to carry away any of his subjects, 
 although with their own consent and desire. 
 
 Having thus prepared all things as well as I was able, 
 I set sail on the twenty-fourth day of September 1701, 
 at six in the morning ; and when I had gone about 
 four leagues to the northward, the wind being at south- 
 east, at six in the evening I descried a small island 
 about half a league to the north-west. I advanced 
 forward, and cast anchor on the lee-side of the island, 
 which seemed to be uninhabited. I then took some 
 refreshment, and went to my rest. I slept well, and 
 I conjecture at least six hours, for I found the day broke 
 in two hours after I awaked. It was a clear night. I ate 
 my breakfast before the sun was up ; and heaving 
 anchor, the wind being favourable, I steered the same 
 course that I had done the day before, wherein I was 
 directed by my pocket-compass. My intention was to 
 reach, if possible, one of those islands, which I had 
 reason to believe lay to the north-east of Van Diemen's 
 Land. I discovered nothing all that day ; but upon the 
 next, about three in the afternoon, when I had by my 
 computation made twenty-four leagues from Blefuscu, 
 I descried a sail steering to the south-east ; my course 
 was due east. I hailed her, but could get no answer ; 
 yet I found I gained upon her, for the wind slackened. 
 I made all the sail I could, and in half an hour she spied 
 
90 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 me, then hung out her ancient, and discharged a gun. 
 It is not easy to express the joy I was in upon the unex- 
 pected hope of once more seeing my beloved country, and 
 the dear pledges I had left in it. The ship slackened her 
 sails, and I came up with her between five and six in the 
 evening, September 26 ; but my heart leapt within me to 
 see her English colours. I put my cows and sheep into 
 my coat-pockets, and got on board with all my little 
 cargo of provisions. The vessel was an English merchant- 
 man, returning from Japan by the North and South 
 Seas ; the Captain, Mr. John Biddle of Deptford, a very 
 civil man, and an excellent sailor. We were now in the 
 latitude of 30 degrees south ; there were about fifty men 
 in the ship ; and here I met an old comrade of mine, 
 one Peter Williams, who gave me a good character to 
 the Captain. This gentleman treated me with kindness, 
 and desired I would let him know what place I came from 
 last, and whither I was bound ; which I did in few words, 
 but he thought I was raving, and that the dangers 
 I underwent had disturbed my head ; whereupon I took 
 my black cattle and sheep out of my pocket, which, after 
 great astonishment, clearly convinced him of my veracity. 
 I then showed him the gold given me by the Emperor 
 of Blefuscu, together with his Majesty's picture at full 
 length, and some other rarities of that country. I gave 
 himtwopurses of two hundred sprugs each, and promised, 
 when we arrived in England, to make him a present of 
 a cow and a sheep big with young. 
 
 I shall not trouble the reader with a particular account 
 of this voyage, which was very prosperous for the most 
 part. We arrived in the Downs on the 13th of April, 1702. 
 I had only one misfortune, that the rats on board carried 
 away one of my sheep; I found her bones in a hole, picked 
 clean from the fiesh. The rest of my cattle I got safe on 
 shore, and set them a grazing in a bowling-green at 
 
A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT 91 
 
 Greenwich, where the fineness of the grass made them 
 feed very heartily, though I had always feared the 
 contrary : neither could I possibly have preserved them 
 in so long a voyage, if the Captain had not allowed me 
 some of his best biscuit, which, rubbed to powder, and 
 mingled with water, was their constant food. The short 
 time I continued in England, I made a considerable profit 
 by showing my cattle to many persons of quality, and 
 others : and before I began my second voyage, I sold them 
 for six hundred pounds. Since my last return, I find the 
 breed is considerably increased, especially the sheep ; 
 which I hope will prove much to the advantage of the 
 woollen manufacture, by the fineness of the fleeces. 
 
 I stayed but two months with my wife and family ; 
 for my insatiable desire of seeing foreign countries 
 would suffer me to continue no longer. I left fifteen 
 hundred pounds with my wife, and fixed her in a good 
 house at Redrifi. My remaining stock I carried with 
 me, part in money, and part in goods, in hopes to 
 improve my fortunes. My eldest uncle John had left 
 me an estate in land, near Epping, of about thirty 
 pounds a year ; and I had a long lease of the Black 
 Bull in Fetter Lane, which yielded me as much more ; 
 so that I was not in any danger of leaving my family 
 upon the parish. My son Johnny, named so after his 
 uncle, was at the Grammar School, and a towardly child. 
 My daughter Betty (who is now well married, and has 
 children) was then at her needlework. I took leave of 
 my wife, and boy and girl, with tears on both sides, and 
 went on board the Adventure, a merchant-ship of three 
 hundred tons, bound for Surat, Captain John Nicholas of 
 Liverpool Commander. But my account of this voyage 
 must be referred to the second part of my Travels. 
 
 The End of the First Part. 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote Nations 
 
 OF THE 
 
 WORLD. 
 
 PART II. 
 
 A Voyage to BROBDINGNJG. 
 
 LONDON: 
 Printed in the Year MDCCXXVII. 
 
S'SebalKaj. ir^'Nl''W 
 C MendociQi 
 
 P«'SrFmicis Drake 
 
 P Monterey 
 
 CO : ; 
 
PART II 
 
 A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAQ 
 CHAP. I 
 
 A great storm described ; the long-ioat sent to fetch water ; the Author 
 goes with it to discover the country. He is lejt on shore, is seized 
 by one of the natives, and carried to a farmer's liouse. His recep- 
 tion there, with several accidents that happened there, A description 
 of the inhabitants. 
 
 Having been condemned by nature and fortune to an 
 active and restless life, in two months after my return 
 I again left my native country, and took shipping in the 
 Downs on the 20th day of June, 1702, in the Adventure, 
 Captain John Nicholas, a Cornish man. Commander, 
 bound for Surat. We had a very prosperous gale till 
 we arrived at the Cape of Good Hope, where we landed 
 for fresh water, but discovering a leak we unshipped 
 our goods and wintered there ; for the Captain falling 
 sick of an ague, we could not leave the Cape till the end 
 of March. We then set saU, and had a good voyage till 
 we passed the Straits of Madagascar ; but having got 
 northward of that island, and to about five degrees 
 south latitude, the winds, which in those seas are 
 observed to blow a constant equal gale between the 
 north and west from the beginning of December to the 
 beginning of May, on the 19th of April began to blow 
 with much greater violence, and more westerly than 
 usual, continuing so for twenty days together, during 
 which time we were driven a little to the east of the 
 Molucca Islands, and about three degrees northward of 
 the Line, as our Captain found by an observation he 
 
96 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 took tbo 2nd of May, at which time the wind ceased, 
 and it was a perfect calm, whereat I was not a little 
 rejoiced. But he, being a man well experienced in the 
 navigation of those seas, bid us all prepare against 
 a storm, which accordingly happened the day following : 
 for a southern wind, called the southern monsoon, began 
 to set in. 
 
 Finding it was likely to overblow, we took in our 
 sprit-sail, and stood by to hand the fore-sail ; but 
 making foul weather, we looked the guns were all fast, 
 and handed the mizen. The ship lay very broad off, so 
 we thought it better spooning before the sea, than 
 trying or hulling. We reeft the fore-sail and set him, we 
 hauled aft the fore-sheet ; the helm was hard a weather. 
 The ship wore bravely. We belayed the fore-down haul ; 
 but the sail was split, and we hauled down the yard, and 
 got the sail into the ship, and unbound all the things clear 
 of it. It was a very fierce storm ; the sea broke strange 
 and dangerous. We hauled off upon the lanyard of the 
 whipstaff, and helped the man at helm. We would not 
 get down our top-mast, but let all stand, because she 
 scudded before the sea very well, and we knew that the 
 top-mast being aloft, the ship was the wholesomer, and 
 made better way through the sea, seeing we had sea- 
 room. When the storm was over, we set fore-saU and 
 main-sail, and brought the ship to : then we set the 
 mizen, main-top-sail, and the fore-top-sail. Our course 
 was east-north-east, the wind was at south-west. We got 
 the starboard tacks aboard, we cast ofiE our weather- 
 braces and lifts ; we set in the lee-braces, and hauled 
 forward by the weather-bowlings, and hauled them 
 tight, and belayed them, and hauled over the mizen 
 tack to windward, and kept her full and by as near as 
 she would lie. 
 
 During this storm, which was followed by a strong 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 97 
 
 wind west-south-west, we were carried by my computa- 
 tion about five hundred leagues to the east, so that the 
 oldest sailor on board could not teU in what part of 
 the world we were. Our provisions held out well, our 
 ship was staunch, and our crew all ia good health ; 
 but we lay iu the utmost distress for water. We thought 
 it best to hold on the same course, rather than turn more 
 northerly, which might have brought us to the north-west 
 parts of Great Tartary, and into the frozen sea. 
 
 On the 16th day of June, 1703, a boy on the top-mast 
 discovered land. On the 17th we came in full view of 
 a great island or continent (for we knew not whether) on 
 the south side whereof was a small neck of land jutting 
 out into the sea, and a creek too shallow to hold a ship of 
 above one hundred tons. We cast anchor within a league 
 of this creek, and our Captain sent a dozen of his men 
 well armed in the long-boat, with vessels for water if any 
 could be found. I desired his leave to go with them, 
 that I might see the country, and make what discoveries 
 I could. When we came to land we saw no river or 
 spring, nor any sign of inhabitants. Our men therefore 
 wandered on the shore to find out some fresh water near 
 the sea, and I walked alone about a mile on the other 
 side, where I observed the country all barren and rocky. 
 I now began to be weary, and seeing nothing to entertain 
 my curiosity, I returned gently down towards the creek ; 
 and the sea being full in my view, I saw our men already 
 got into the boat, and rowing for Ufe to the ship. I was 
 going to hollow after them, although it had been to little 
 purpose, when I observed a huge creature walking after 
 them in the sea, as fast as he could : he waded not 
 much deeper than his knees, and took prodigious strides : 
 but our men had the start of him half a league, and the 
 sea thereabouts being full of sharp-pointed rocks, the 
 monster was not able to overtake the boat. This I was 
 
 SWIBTT U 
 
98 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 afterwards told, for I durst not stay to see tlie issue of 
 that adventure ; but ran as fast as I could the way I first 
 went, and then climbed up a steep hill, which gave me 
 some prospect of the country. I found it fully cultivated ; 
 but that which first surprised me was the length of the 
 grass, which in those grounds that seemed to be kept 
 for hay, was about twenty foot high. 
 
 I fell into a high road, for so I took it to be, though it 
 served to the inhabitants only as a footpath through 
 a field of barley. Here I walked on for some time, but 
 could see little on either side, it being now near harvest, 
 and the corn rising at least forty foot. I was an hour 
 walking to the end of this field, which was fenced in with 
 a hedge of at least one hundred and twenty foot high, 
 and the trees so lofty that I could make no computation 
 of their altitude. There was a stile to pass from this 
 field into the next. It had four steps, and a stone to 
 cross over when you came to the uppermost. It was 
 impossible for me to climb this stile, because every step 
 was six foot high, and the upper stone above twenty. 
 I was endeavouring to find some gap in the hedge, when 
 I discovered one of the inhabitants in the next field, 
 advancing towards the stUe, of the same size with him 
 whom I saw in the sea pursuing our boat. He appeared 
 as tall as an ordinary spire-steeple, and took about ten 
 yards at every stride, as near as I could guess. I was 
 struck with the utmost fear and astonishment, and ran 
 to hide myself in the corn, from whence I saw him at the 
 top of the stile, looking back into the next field on the 
 right hand, and heard him call in a voice many degrees 
 louder than a speaking-trumpet : but the noise was so 
 high in the air, that at first I certainly thought it was 
 thunder. Whereupon seven monsters like himself came 
 towards him with reaping-hooks in their hands, each 
 hook about the largeness of six scythes. These people 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 99 
 
 were not so well clad as the first, whose servants or 
 labourers they seemed to be. For upon some words he 
 spoke, they went to reap the com in the field where I lay. 
 I kept from them at as great a distance aslcould.butwas 
 forced to move with extreme difficulty, for the stalks of 
 the corn were sometimes not above a foot distant, so 
 that I could hardly squeeze my body betwixt them. 
 However, I made a shift to go forward till I came to 
 a part of the field where the corn had been laid by the 
 rain and wind. Here it was impossible for me to advance 
 a step ; for the stalks were so interwoven that I could 
 not creep through, and the beards of the fallen ears so 
 strong and pointed that they pierced through my clothes 
 into my fiesh. At the same time I heard the reapers 
 not above an hundred yards behind me. Being quite 
 dispirited with toil, and wholly overcome by grief and 
 despair, I lay down between two ridges, and heartily 
 wished I might there end my days. I bemoaned my 
 desolate widow, and fatherless children. I lamentedx 
 my own folly and wilfulness in attempting a second ' 
 voyage against the advice of all my friends and relations. 
 In this terrible agitation of mind I could not forbear 
 thinking of Lilliput, whose inhabitants looked upon me 
 as the greatest prodigy that ever appeared in the world ; 
 where I was able to draw an Imperial Fleet in my hand, 
 and perform those other actions which will be recorded 
 for ever in the chronicles of that empire, while posterity 
 shall hardly believe them, although attested by millions. 
 I reflected what a mortification it must prove to me to 
 appear as inconsiderable in this nation as one single 
 Lilliputian would be among us. But this I conceived 
 was to be the least of my misfortunes : for as human 
 creatures are observed to be more savage and cruel in 
 proportion to their bulk, what could I expect but to be 
 a morsel in the mouth of the first among these enormous 
 
10^ GULLIVER'S TEAVELS 
 
 jfaarbarians that should happen to seize me ? Undoubt- 
 edly philosophers are in the right when they tell us, that 
 nothing is great or little otherwise than by comparison. 
 It might have pleased fortune to let the Lilliputians 
 find some nation, where the people were as diminutive 
 with respect to them, as they were to me. And who 
 
 (knows but that even this prodigious race of mortals 
 might be equally overmatched in some distant part of 
 the world, whereof we have yet no discovery ? 
 
 Scared and confounded as I was, I could not forbear 
 going on with these reflections, when one of the reapers 
 approaching within ten yards of the ridge where I lay, 
 made me apprehend that with the next step I should be 
 squashed to death under his foot, or cut in two with hia 
 reaping-hook. And therefore when he was again about 
 to move, I screamed as loud as fear could make me. 
 Whereupon the huge creature trod short, and looking 
 round about under him for some time, at last espied 
 me as I lay on the ground. He considered a while with 
 the caution of one who endeavours to lay hold on a small 
 dangerous animal in such a manner that it shall not be 
 able either to scratch or to bite him, as I myself have 
 sometimes done with a weasel in England. At length 
 he ventured to take me up behind by the middle between 
 his forefinger and thumb, and brought me within three 
 yards of his eyes, that he might behold my shape more 
 perfectly. I guessed his meaning, and my good fortune 
 gave me so much presence of mind, that I resolved not 
 to struggle in the least as he held me in the air about 
 sixty foot from the ground, although he grievously 
 pinched my sides, for fear I should slip through his 
 fingers. All I ventured was to raise my eyes towards 
 the sun, and place my hands together in a supplicating 
 posture, and to speak some words in an humble melan- 
 choly tone, suitable to the condition I then was in. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 101 
 
 For I apprehended every moment that he would dash me 
 against the ground, as we usually do any little hateful 
 animal which we have a mind to destroy. But my good 
 star would have it, that he appeared pleased with my 
 voice and gestures, and began to look upon me as 
 a curiosity, much wondering to hear me pronounce 
 articulate words, although he could not understand them. 
 In the mean time I was not able to forbear groaning and 
 shedding tears, and turning my head towards my sides ; 
 letting him know, as well as I could, how cruelly I was 
 hurt by the pressure of his thumb and finger. He seemed 
 to apprehend my meaning ; for, lifting up the lappet of 
 his coat, he put me gently into it, and immediately ran 
 along with me to his master, who was a substantial 
 farmer, and the same person I had first seen in the field. 
 The farmer having (as I supposed by their talk) 
 received such an account of me as his servant could 
 give him, took a piece of a small straw, about the size 
 of a walking staff, and therewith lifted up the lappets 
 of my coat ; which it seems he thought to be some kind 
 of covering that nature had given me. He blew my hairs 
 aside to take a better view of my face. He called his 
 hinds about him, and asked them (as I afterwards 
 learned) whether they had ever seen in the fields any 
 little creature that resembled me. He then placed me 
 softly on the ground upon all four, but I got immediately 
 up, and walked slowly backwards and forwards, to let 
 those people see I had no intent to run away. They all 
 sat down in a circle about me, the better to observe my 
 motions. I puUed oS my hat, and made a low bow 
 towards the farmer. I fell on my knees, and lifted up 
 my hands and eyes, and spoke several words as loud as 
 I could : I took a purse of gold out of my pocket, and 
 humbly presented it to him. He received it on the palm 
 of his hand, then applied it close to his eye, to see what 
 
102/ GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 it was, and afterwards turned it several times with the 
 point of a pin (which he took out of his sleeve), but 
 could make nothing of it. Whereupon I made a sign 
 that he should place his hand on the ground. I took 
 the purse, and opening it, poured all the gold into his 
 palm. There were six Spanish pieces of four pistoles 
 each, beside twenty or thirty smaller coins. I saw him 
 wet the tip of his little finger upon his tongue, and take 
 up one of my largest pieces, and then another, but he 
 seemed to be wholly ignorant what they were. He made 
 me a sign to put them again into my purse, and the purse 
 again into my pocket, which after offering to him several 
 times, I thought it best to do. 
 
 The farmer by this time was convinced I must be 
 a rational creature. He spoke often to me, but the sound 
 of his voice pierced my ears like that of a water-miU, yet 
 his words were articulate enough. I answered as loud as 
 I could, in several languages, and he often laid his ear 
 within two yards of me, but all in vain, for we were wholly 
 unintelligible to each other. He then sent his servants 
 to their work, and taking his handkerchief out of his 
 pocket, he doubled and spread it on his left hand, which 
 he placed flat on the ground, with the palm upwards, 
 making me a sign to step into it, as I could easily do, 
 for it was not above a foot in thickness. I thought it 
 my part to obey, and for fear of falling, laid myself at 
 length upon the handkerchief, with the remainder of 
 which he lapped me up to the head for further secjjjity, 
 and in this manner carried me home to his house .^There 
 he called his wife, and showed me to her ; but she 
 screamed and ran back, as women in England do at 
 the sight of a toad or a spideJ\ However, when she had 
 a while seen my behaviour, 5nd how well I observed the 
 signs her husband made, she was soon reconciled, and by 
 degrees grew extremely tender of me. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAQ 103 
 
 It was about twelve at noon, and a servant brought in 
 dinner. It was only one substantial dish of meat (fit for 
 the plain condition of an husbandman) in a dish of about 
 four-and-twenty foot diameter. The company were the 
 farmer and his wife, three children, and an old grand- 
 mother. When they were sat down, the farmer placed 
 me at some distance from him on the table, which was 
 thirty foot high from the floor. I was in a terrible fright, 
 and kept as far as I could from the edge for fear of falling. 
 The wife minced a bit of meat, then crumbled some bread 
 on a trencher, and placed it before me. I made her a low 
 bow, took out my knife and fork, and fell to eat, whicii 
 gave them exceeding delight. The mistress sent her 
 maid for a small dram cup, which held about three 
 gallons, and filled it with drink; I took up the vessel 
 with much difficulty in both hands, and in a most 
 respectful manner drank to her ladyship's health, 
 expressing the words as loud as I could in English, 
 which made the company laugh so heartily, that I was 
 almost deafened with the noise. This liquor tasted like 
 a small cyder, and was not unpleasant. Then the master 
 made me a sign to come to his trencher side ; but as 
 I walked on the table, being in great surprise aU the 
 time, as the indulgent reader will easily conceive and 
 excuse, I happened to stumble against a crust, and fell 
 flat on my face, but received no hurt. I got up immedi- 
 ately, and observing the good people to be in much 
 concern, I took my hat (which I held under my arm out 
 of good manners) and waving it over my head, made 
 three huzzas, to show I had got no mischief by my fall. 
 But advancing forwards toward my master (as I shall 
 henceforth call him) his youngest son who sat next him, 
 an arch boy of about ten years old, took me up by the 
 legs, and held me so high in the air, that I trembled 
 every limb ; but his father snatched me from him, and 
 
104 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 at the same time gave him such a box on the left ear, 
 as would have felled an European troop of horse to the 
 earth, ordering him to be taken from the table. But 
 being afraid the boy might owe me a spite, and well 
 remembering how mischievous all children among us 
 naturally are to sparrows, rabbits, young kittens, and 
 puppy dogsfTfell on my knees, and pointing to the boy, 
 made my master to understand, as well as I could, that 
 I desired his son might be pardoned. The father 
 complied, and the lad took his seat again ; whereupon 
 I went to him and kissed his hand, which m^ master 
 took, and made him stroke me gently with it\ 
 
 In the midst of dinner, my mistress's favourite cat 
 leapt into her lap. I heard a noise behind me like that 
 of a dozen stocking-weavers at work ; and turning my 
 head, I found it proceeded from the purring of this 
 animal, who seemed to be three times larger than an ox, 
 as I computed by the view of her head, and one of her 
 paws, while her mistress was feeding and stroking her. 
 The fierceness of this creature's countenance altogether 
 discomposed me ; though I stood at the farther end of 
 the table, above fifty foot ofi ; and although my mistress 
 held her fast for fear she might give a spring, and seize 
 me in her talons. But it happened there was no danger ; 
 for the cat took not the least notice of me when my 
 master placed me within three yards of her. ^nd as 
 I have been always told, and found true by experience 
 in my travels, that flying, or discovering fear before 
 a fierce animal, is a certain way to make it pursue or 
 attack you, so I resolved in this dangerous juncture to 
 show no manner of concemX I walked with intrepidity 
 five or six times before theTMy head of the cat, and came 
 within half a yard of her ; whereupon she drew herself 
 back, as if she were more afraid of me : I had less appre- 
 hension concerning the dogs, whereof three or four came 
 
A VOYAGE TO BKOBDINGNAG 105 
 
 into the room , as it is usual in farmers' houses; one of which 
 was a mastifi, equal in bulk to four elephants, and a grey- 
 hound, somewhat taller than the mastifi, but not so large. 
 
 When dinner was almost done, the nurse came in with 
 a child of a year old in her arms, who immediately spied 
 me, and began a squall that you might have heard from 
 London Bridge to Chelsea, after thg^usual oratory of 
 infants, to get me for a playthiag.^The mother out of 
 pure indulgence took me up, and put me towards the 
 child, who presently seized me by the middle, and got 
 my head in his mouth, where I roarei^jo loud that the 
 urchin was frighted, and let me drop^and I should 
 infallibly have broke my neck if the mother had not held 
 her apron under me. The nurse to quiet her babe made 
 use of a rattle, which was a kind of hollow vessel filled 
 with great stones, and fastened by a cable to the child's 
 waist : but all in vain, so that she j^tes^orced to apply 
 the last remedy by giving it suck.^*i- must confess no 
 object ever disgusted me so much as the sight of her 
 monstrous breast, which I cannot tell what to compare 
 with, so as to give the curious reader an idea of its 
 bulk, shape and colour. It stood prominent six foot, 
 and could not be less than sixteen in circumference. 
 The nipple was about half the bigness of my head, and 
 the hue both of that and the dug so varified with spots, 
 pimples and freckles, that nothing could appear more 
 nauseous : for I had a near sight of her, she sitting 
 down the more conveniently to give suck, and I stand- 
 ing on the table. | This made me reflect upon the fair 
 skins of our jingush ladies, who appear so beautiful 
 to us, only because they are of our own sizq ^an d their 
 defects not to be seen but through a magnifymg glass, 
 where we find by experiment that the smoothes^J;.^d 
 whitest skins look rough and coarse, and ill oolouredJ 
 
 I remember when I was at Lilliput, the complexion of 
 
106 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 those diminutive people appeared to me the fairest in 
 the world ; and talking upon this subject with a person 
 of learning there, who was an intimate friend of mine, 
 he said that my face appeared much fairer and smoother 
 when he looked on me from the ground, than it did 
 upon a nearer view when I took him up in my hand 
 and brought him close, which he confessed was at 
 first a very shocking sight. He said he could discover 
 great holes in my skin ; that the stumps of my beard 
 were ten times stronger than the bristles of a boar, 
 and my complexion made up of several colours alto- 
 gether disagreeable : although I must beg leave to 
 say for myself, that I am as fair as most of my sex and 
 country, and very little sunburnt by all my travels. 
 On the other side, discoursing of the ladies in that 
 Emperor's court, he used to tell me, one had freckles, 
 another too wide a mouth, a third too large a nose, 
 nothing of which I was able to distinguish. I confess 
 this reflection was obvious enough ; which however I 
 could not forbear, lest the reader might think those vast 
 creatures were actually deformed : for I must do them 
 justice to say they are a comely race of people ; and parti- 
 cularly the features of my master's countenance, although 
 he were but a farmer, when I beheld him from the height 
 of sixty foot, appeared very well proportioned. 
 
 When dinner was done, my master went out to his 
 labourers, and as I could discover by his voice and 
 gesture, gave his wife a strict charge to take care of me. 
 I was very much tired, and disposed to sleep, which my 
 mistress perceiving, she put me on her own bed, and 
 covered me with a clean white handkerchief, but larger 
 and coarser than the mainsail of a man of war. 
 
 I slept about two hours, and dreamed I was at home 
 with my wife and children, which aggravated my sorrows 
 when I awaked and found myself alone in a vast room, 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 107 
 
 between two and three hundred foot wide, and above 
 two hundred high, lying in a bed twenty yards wide. 
 My mistress was gone about her household afEairs, and 
 had locked me in. The bed was eight yards from tha 
 floor. Some natural necessities required me to get 
 down ; I durst not presume to call, and if I had, it 
 would have been in vain, with such a voice as mine, at 
 so great a distance from the room where I lay to 
 the kitchen where the family kept. While I was 
 under these circumstances, two rats crept up the 
 curtains, and ran smelling backwards and forwards 
 on the bed. One of them came up almost to my 
 face, whereupon I rose in a fright, and drew out my 
 hanger to defend myself. These horrible animals had 
 the boldness to attack me on both sides, and one of 
 them held his fore-feet at my collar ; but I had the 
 good fortune to rip up his belly before he could do me 
 any mischief. He fell down at my feet, and the other 
 seeing the fate of his comrade, made his escape, but not 
 without one good wound on the back, which I gave him 
 as he fled, and made the blood run trickling from him. 
 After this exploit, I walked gently to and fro on the bed, 
 to recover my breath and loss of spirits. These creatures 
 were of the size of a large mastifE, but infinitely more 
 nimble and fierce, so that if I had taken off my belt 
 before I went to sleep, I must have infallibly been torn 
 to pieces and devoured. I measured the tail of the dead 
 rat, and found it to be two yards long, wanting an inch ; 
 but it went against my stomach to drag the carcass ofE 
 the bed, where it lay still bleeding ; I observed it had 
 yet some life, but with a strong slash cross the neck, 
 I thoroughly dispatched it. 
 
 Soon after my mistress came into the room, who seeing 
 me all bloody, ran and took me up in her hand. I pointed 
 to the dead rat, smiling and making other signs to show 
 
108 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I was not hurt, whereat she was extremely rejoiced, 
 calling the maid to take up the dead rat with a pair of 
 tongs, and throw it out of the window. Then she set me 
 on a table, where I showed her my hanger all bloody, and 
 wiping it on the lappet of my coat, returned it to the 
 scabbard. I was pressed to do more than one thing, 
 which another could not do for me, and therefore 
 endeavoured to make my mistress understand that 
 I desired to be set down on the floor ; which after she 
 had done, my bashfulness would not sufier me to express 
 myself farther than by pointing to the door, and bowing 
 several times. The good woman with much difficulty 
 at last perceived what I would be at, and taking me 
 up again in her hand, walked into the garden, where 
 she set me down. I went on one side about two hun- 
 dred yards, and beckoning to her not to look or to 
 follow me, I hid myself between two leaves of sorrel 
 and there discharged the necessities of nature. 
 
 I hope the gentle reader will excuse me for dwelling on 
 these and the like particulars, which however insignificant 
 they may appear to grovelling vulgar minds, yet will 
 certainly help a philosopher to enlarge his thoughts and 
 imagination, and apply them to the benefit of public as 
 well as private life, which was my sole design in present- 
 ing this and other accounts of my travels to the world ; 
 wherein I have been chiefly studious of truth, without 
 aSecting any ornaments of learning or of style. But the 
 whole scene of this voyage made so strong an impression 
 on my mind, and is so deeply fixed in my memory, that 
 in committing it to paper I did not omit one material 
 circumstance : however, upon a strict review, I blotted 
 out several passages of less moment which were in my 
 first copy, for fear of being censured as tedious and 
 trifling, whereof travellers are often, perhaps not without 
 justice, accused. 
 
CHAP. II 
 
 A deacription of the farmer's daughter. The Author carried to a 
 market-toum, and then to the metropolis. The particulars of his 
 journey. 
 
 (My mistress had a daughter of nine years old, a child 
 ofiorward parts for her age, v ery d exterous at her needle, 
 and skilful in dressing her babyj Her mother and she 
 contrived to fit up the baby's cradle for me against 
 night : the cradle was put into a small drawer of a 
 cabinet, and the drawer placed upon a hanging shelf 
 for fear of the rats. This was my bed all the time I 
 stayed with those people, though made more convenient 
 by degrees, as I began to learn their language, and make 
 my wants known. This young girl was so handy, that 
 after I had once or twice pulled off my clothes before 
 her, she was able to dress and undress me, though I 
 never gave her that trouble when she would let me do 
 either myself. She made me seven shirts, and some 
 other linen, of as fine cloth as could be got, which 
 indeed was coarser than sackcloth ; and these she con- 
 stantly washed for me with her own hands. She was 
 likewise my school-mistress to teach me the language : 
 when I pointed to any thing, she told me the name of it 
 in her own tongue, so that in a few days I was able to 
 call for whatever I had a mind to. She was very good- 
 natured, and not above forty foot high, being little for 
 her age. She gave me the name of Childrig, which the 
 family took up, and afterwards the whole kingdom. 
 The word imports what the Latins call nanunculus, the 
 Italians homunceletino, and the English mannikin. To 
 her I chiefly owe my preservation in that country : we 
 
110 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 never parted while I was there ; I called her my Glum- 
 dalcUtch, or little nurse : and I should be guilty of great 
 ingratitude if I omitted this honourable mention of her 
 care and afEection towards me, which I heartily wish it 
 lay in my power to requite as she deserves, instead of 
 being the innocent but unhappy instrument of her dis- 
 grace, as I have too much reason to fear. 
 
 It now began to be known and talked of in the neigh- 
 bourhood, that my master had found a strange animal 
 in the field, about the bigness of a splachnuck, but 
 exactly shaped in every part like a human creature ; 
 which it likewise imitated in all its actions ; seemed to 
 speak in a little language of its own, had already learned 
 several words of theirs, went erect upon two legs, was 
 tame and gentle, would come when it was called, do 
 whatever it was bid, had the finest limbs in the world, 
 and a complexion fairer than a nobleman's daughter of 
 three years old. Another farmer who lived hard by, and 
 was a particular friend of my master, came on a visit on 
 purpose to enquire into the truth of this story. I was 
 immediately produced, and placed upon a table, where 
 I walked as I was commanded, drew my hanger, put it 
 up again, made my reverence to my master's guest, 
 asked him in his own language how he did, and told 
 him he was welcome, just as my little nurse had in- 
 structed me. This man, who was old and dim-sighted, 
 put on his spectacles to behold me better, at which I 
 could not forbear laughing very heartily, for his eyes 
 appeared like the full moon shining into a chamber at 
 two windows. Our people, who discovered the cause 
 of my mirth, bore me company in laughing, at which 
 the old fellow was fool enough to be angry and out of 
 countenance. He had the character of a great miser, 
 and to my misfortune he well deserved it, by the cursed 
 advice he gave my master to show me as a sight upon 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG HI 
 
 a market-day in the next town, which was half an hour's 
 riding, about two and twenty miles from our housg^ 
 I guessed there was some mischief contriving, wheii I 
 observed my master and his friend whispering loBg 
 together, sometimes pointing at me ; and my fears 
 made me fancy that I overheard and understood some 
 of their words. But the next morning Glumdalclitch 
 my little nurse told me the whole matter, which she 
 had cunningly picked out from her mother. The poor 
 girl laid me on her bosom, and fell a weeping with shame 
 and grief. She apprehended some mischief would happen 
 to me from rude vulgar folks, who might squeeze me 
 to death, or break one of my limbs by taking me in 
 their hanSs^ She had also observed how modest I was 
 in my nature, how nicely I regarded my honour, and 
 what an indignity I should conceive it to be exposed 
 for money as a public spectacle to the meanest of the 
 people. She said, her papa and mamma had promised 
 that Grildrig should be hers, but now she found they 
 meant to serve her as they did last year, when they 
 pretended to give her a lamb, and yet, as soon as it was 
 fat, sold it to a butcher. For my own part, I may truly 
 affirm that I was less concerned than my nurse. I had 
 a strong hope which never left me, that I should one day 
 recover my liberty ; and as to the ignominy of being 
 carried about for a monster, I considered myself to be 
 a perfect stranger in the country, and that such a mis- 
 fortune could never be charged upon me as a reproach, 
 if ever I should return to England ; since the King of 
 Great Britain himself, in my condition, must have 
 undergone the same distress. 
 
 My master, pursuant to the advice of his friend, 
 carried me in a box the next market-day to the neigh- 
 bouring town, and took along with him his little daughter 
 my nurse upon a pUlion behind him. The box was close 
 
112 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 on every side, with a little door for me to go in and out, 
 and a few gimlet-holes to let in air. The girl had been 
 BO careful to put the quilt of her baby's bed into it, for 
 me to lie down on. However, I was terribly shaken 
 and discomposed in this journey, though it were but 
 of half an hour. For the horse went about forty foot 
 at every step, and trotted so high, that the agitation 
 was equal to the rising and faUiag of a ship in a great 
 storm, but much more frequent. Our journey was 
 somewhat further than from London to St. Albans. 
 My master alighted at an inn which he used to frequent ; 
 and after consulting a while with the inn-keeper, and 
 making some necessary preparations, he hired the Grul- 
 trud, or crier, to give notice through the town of a strange 
 creature to be seen at the Sign of the Green Eagle, not 
 so big as a splackmick (an animal in that country very 
 finely shaped, about six foot long) and in every part 
 of the body resembling an human creature, could 
 speak several words, and perform an hundred diverting 
 tiieks. 
 
 1 1 was placed upon a table in the largest room of the_ 
 inn, which might be near three hundred foot s quare.^ 
 My little nurse stood on a low stool close to the~table, 
 to take care of me, and direct what I should do. My 
 master, to avoid a crowd, would sufEer only thirty people 
 at a time to see me. I walked about on the table as 
 the girl commanded : she asked me questions as far as 
 she knew my understanding of the language reached, 
 and I answered them as loud as I could. I turned about 
 several times to the company, paid my humble respects, 
 said they were welcome, and used some other speeches 
 I had been taught. I took up a thimble filled with 
 liquor, which Glumdalclitch had given me for a cup, 
 and drank their health. I drew out my hanger, and 
 flourished with it after the manner of fencers in England. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 113 
 
 My nurse gave me part of a straw, which I exercised as 
 a pike, having learned the art in my youth. I was that 
 day shown to twelve sets of company, and as often 
 forced to go over again with the same fopperies, till I 
 was half dead with weariness and vexation. For those 
 who had seen me made such wonderful reports, that the 
 people were ready to break down the doors to come in. 
 My master for his own interest would not suffer any one 
 to touch me except my nurse ; and, to prevent danger, 
 benches were set round the table_at such a distance as 
 put me out of every body's reach. /_ However, an unlucky 
 school-boy aimed a hazel nut directly at my head, which 
 very narrowly missed me ; otherwise, it came with so 
 much violence, that it would have infallibly knocked 
 out my brains, for it was almost as large as a small 
 pumpion : b ut I had the sati sfaction_ta_asa-tbekXOung 
 
 rogue well Twa,t,prL| mw ri l tmrrinrl ni]t "f tb" ''""r" 
 
 - M_y HiUSfergave public notice that he would show 
 me again the next market-day, and in the meantime 
 he prepared a more convenient vehicle for me, which 
 he had reason enough to do ; for I was so tired with my 
 first journey, and with entertaining company for eight 
 hours together, that I could hardly stand upon my legs 
 or speak a word. It was at least three days before I 
 recovered my strength ; and that I might have no rest 
 at home, all the neighbouring gentlemen from an hundred 
 mUes round, hearing of my fame, came td see me at my 
 master's own house. There could not be fewer than 
 thirty persons with their wives and children (for the 
 country is very populous) ; and my master demanded 
 the rate of a full room whenever he showed me at home, 
 although it were only to a single family ; so that for 
 some time I had but little ease every day of the week 
 (except Wednesday, which is their Sabbath) although 
 I were not carried to the town. 
 
114 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 My master finding how profitable I was likely to be, 
 resolved to carry me to the most considerable cities of 
 the kingdom. Having therefore provided himself with 
 all things necessary for a long journey, and settled hia 
 aflairs at home, he took leave of his wife, and upon the 
 17th of August, 1703, about two months after my arrival, 
 we set out for the metropolis, situated near the middle 
 of that empire, and about three thousand miles distance 
 from our house. My master made his daughter Glum- 
 dalclitch ride behind him. She carried me on her lap 
 in a box tied about her waist. The girl had lined it on 
 all sides with the softest cloth she could get, well quilted 
 underneath, furnished it with her baby's bed, provided 
 me with linen and other necessaries, and made every- 
 thing as convenient as she could. We had no other 
 company but a boy of the house, who rode after us with 
 the luggage. 
 
 My master's design was to show me in all the towns 
 by the way, and to step out of the road for fifty or an 
 hundred mUes, to any village or person of quality's 
 house where he might expect custom. We made easy 
 journeys of not above seven or eight score mUes a day ; 
 for Glumdalclitch, on purpose to spare me, complaiaed 
 she was tired with the trotting of the horse. She often 
 took me out of my box at my own desire, to give me air 
 and show me the country, but always held me fast by 
 a leading-string. We passed over five or six rivers 
 many degrees broader and deeper than the Nile or the 
 Ganges ; and there was hardly a rivulet so small as the 
 Thames at London Bridge. We were ten weeks in our 
 journey, and I was shown in eighteen large towns besides 
 many villages and private families. 
 
 On the 26th day of October, we arrived at the metro- 
 polis, called in their language Lorbrulgrud, or Pride of 
 the Universe. My master took a lodging in the principal 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 115 
 
 street of the city, not far from the royal palace, and 
 put out bills in the usual form, containing an exact de- 
 scription of my person and parts. He hired a large 
 room between three and four hundred foot wide. He 
 provided a table sixty foot in diameter, upon which I 
 was to act my part, and palisadoed it round three foot 
 from the edge, and as many high, to prevent my falling 
 over. I was shown ten times a day to the wonder and 
 satisfaction of all people. I could now speak the lan- 
 guage tolerably well, and perfectly understood every 
 word that was spoken to me. Besides, I had learnt 
 their alphabet, and could make a shift to explain a sen- 
 tence here and there ; for Glumdalclitch had been my 
 instructor whUe we were at home, and at leisure hours 
 during our journey. She carried a little book in her 
 pocket, not much larger than a Sanson's Atlas ; it was 
 a common treatise for the use of young girls, giving a 
 short account of their religion : out of this she taught 
 me my letters, and interpreted the words. 
 
CHAP. Ill 
 
 The Author sent for to Court. The Queen huya him of hit master the 
 farmer, and presents him to the King. He disputes with hit 
 Majesty's great scholars. An apartment at Court provided for 
 the Author. He is in high favour with the Queen. He stands up 
 for the honour of his own country. His quarrels with the Queen's 
 dwarf, 
 
 I The frequent labours I underwent every day made in 
 a iBw weeks a very considerable change in my health : 
 the more my master got by me, the more unsatiable he 
 grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was almost 
 reduced to a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and 
 concluding I soon muaidie, resolved to make as good 
 a hand of me as he could) While he was thus reasoning 
 and resolving with hinreelf, a Slardral, or Gentleman 
 Usher, came from court, commanding my master to 
 carry me immediately thither for the diversion of the 
 Queen and her ladies. Some of the latter had already 
 been to see me, and reported strange things of my beauty, 
 behaviour, and good sense. Her Majesty and those who 
 attended her were beyond measure delighted with my 
 demeanour. I fell on my knees, and begged the honour 
 of kissing her Imperial foot ; but this gracious princess 
 held out her little finger towards me (after I was set on 
 a table) which I embraced in both my arms, and put 
 the tip of it with the utmost respect to my lip. She 
 made me some general questions about my country and 
 my travels, which I answered as distinctly and in as few 
 words aa I could. She asked whether I would be content 
 to live at court. I bowed down to the board of the table, 
 and humbly answered, that I was my master's slave, but 
 if I were at my own disposal.^should be proud to devote 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 117 
 
 my life to her Majesty's service. She then asked my 
 master whether he were willing to sell me at a good price. 
 He, who apprehended I could not live a month, was 
 ready enough to part with me, and demanded a thousand 
 pieces of gold, which were ordered him on the sp^ each 
 piece being about the bigness of eight hundred moidores ; 
 but, allowing for the proportion of all things between 
 that country and Europe, and the high price of gold 
 among them, was hardly so great a sum as a thousand 
 guineas would be in England. I then said to the Queen, 
 since I was now her Majesty's mgst humble creature and 
 vassal, I must beg the favour,\that Glumdalclitch, who 
 had always tended me with so nrCTch care and kindness, 
 and understood to do it so well, might be admitted into 
 her service, and continue to be my nurse and instructor. 
 Her Majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the 
 farmer's consent, who was glad enough to have his 
 daughter preferred at court : and the poof girl herself 
 was not able to hide her joy. My late master withdrew, 
 bidding me farewell, and saying he had left me in a good 
 service ; to which I replied not a word, only making him 
 a slight bbwS 
 
 The Queen observed my coldness, and when the 
 farmer was gone out of the apartment, asked me the 
 reason. I made bold to tell her Majesty that I owed no 
 other obligation to my late master, than his not dashing 
 out the brains of a poor harmless creature found by 
 chance in his field ; which obligation was amply recom- 
 pensed by the gain he had made in showing me through 
 half the kingdom, and the price he had now sold me for. 
 That the life I had since led was laborious enough to kiU 
 an animal of ten times my strength. That my health 
 was much impaired by the continual drudgery of 
 entertaining the rabble every hour of the day, and 
 tiiat if my master had not thought my life in danger, 
 
118 GULLIVER'S TRAVEI^ 
 
 her Majesty perhaps would not have got so cheap 
 a bargain. But as I was out of all fear of being ill 
 treated under the protection of so great and good an 
 Empress, the Ornament of Nature, the Darling of the 
 World, the Delight of her Subjects, the Phoenix of the 
 Creation ; so I hoped my late master's apprehensions 
 would appear to be groundless, for I already found 
 my spirits to revive by the influence of her most august 
 presence. 
 
 This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great 
 improprieties and hesitation; the latter part was 
 altogether framed in the style peculiar to that people, 
 whereof I learned some phrases from Glumdalclitch, 
 while she was carrying me to court. 
 
 The Queen giving great allowance for my defective- 
 ness in speaking, was however surprised at so much wit 
 and good sense in so diminutive an animal. She took 
 me in her own hand, and carried me to the King, who 
 was then retired to his cabinet. His Majesty, a prince 
 of much gravity, and austere countenance, not well 
 observing my shape at first view, asked the Queen after 
 a cold manner, how long it was since she grew fond of 
 a splacknuck ; for such it seems he took me to be, as 
 I lay upon my breast in her Majesty's right hand. But 
 this princess, who hath an infinite deal of wit and humour, 
 set me gently on my feet upon the scrutore, and com- 
 manded me to give his Majesty an account of myself, 
 which I did in a very few words ; and Glumdalclitch, 
 who attended at the cabinet door, and could not endure 
 I should be out of her sight, being admitted, confirmed 
 all that had passed from my arrival at her father's 
 hoTk^e. 
 ••■^be King, although he be as learned a person as any in 
 his dominions, and had been educated in the study of 
 philosophy, and particularly mathematics ; yet when he 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 119 
 
 observed my shape exactly, and saw me walk erect, 
 before I began to speak, conceived I might be a piece 
 of clock-work, (which is in that country arrived to a VMy 
 great perfection) contrived by some ingenious a rtis^ 
 But when he heard my voice, and found what I delivered 
 to be regular tm^ rational, he could not conceal his 
 astonishment, fee was by no means satisfied with the 
 relation I gave him of the manner I came into his 
 kingdom, but thought it a story concerted between 
 Glumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a set 
 of words to make me sell at a higher priceTJ Upon this 
 imagination he put several other questions to me, and 
 still received rational answers, no otherwise defective 
 than by a foreign accent, and an imperfect knowledge 
 in the language, with some rustic phrases which I had 
 learned at the farmer's house, and did not suit the polite 
 style of a court. 
 
 His Majesty sent for three great scholars who were 
 then in their weekly waiting, according to the custom in 
 that country. These gentlemen, after they had a while 
 examined my shape with much nicety, were of different 
 opinions concerning me. They all agreed that I could 
 not be produced according to the regular laws of nature, 
 because I was not framed with a capacity of preserving 
 my life, either by swiftness, or climbing of trees, or 
 digging holes in the earth. They observed by my teeth, 
 which they viewed with great exactness, that I was 
 a carnivorous animal ; yet most quadrupeds being an 
 overmatch for me, and field mice, with some others, too 
 nimble, they could not imagine how I should be able to 
 support myself, unless I fed upon snails and other insects, 
 which they offered, by many learned arguments, to 
 evince that I could not possibly do. ^<fe of these 
 virtuosi seemed to think that I might be an embryo, 
 or abortive birth^ But this opinion was rejected by 
 
120 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 the other two, who observed my limbs to be perfect 
 and finished, and that I had lived several years, as it 
 was manifested from my beard, the stumps whereof 
 they plainly discovered through a magnifying-glass. 
 They would not allow me to be a dwarf, because my 
 littleness was beyond all degrees of comparison ; for 
 the Queen's favourite dwarf, the smallest ever known 
 in that kingdom, was nearly thirty foot high. After 
 much debate, they concluded unanimously that I was 
 only relplum scalcath, which is interpreted literally, 
 lusus naturae ; a determination exactly agreeable to 
 the modem philosophy of Europe, whose professors, 
 disdaining the old evasion of occult causes, whereby the 
 followers of Aristotle endeavour in vain to disguise 
 their ignorance, have invented this wonderful solution 
 of all difficulties, to the tmspeakable advancement of 
 human knowledge. 
 
 After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard 
 a word or two. I applied myself to the Kiag, and assured 
 his Majesty, that I came from a country which abounded 
 with several millions of both sexes, and of my own 
 stature ; where the animals, trees, and houses were all 
 in proportion, and where by consequence I might be as 
 able to defend myself, and to find sustenance, as any 
 of his Majesty's subjects could do here ; which I took 
 for a full answer to those gentlemen's arguments. To 
 this they only replied with a smile of contempt, saying 
 that the farmer had instructed me very well in my lesson. 
 The King, who had a much better understanding, 
 dismissing his learned men, sent for the farmer, who by 
 good fortune was not yet gone out of town. Having 
 therefore first examined him privately, and then con- 
 fronted him with me and the young girl, his Majesty 
 began to think that what we told him might possibly be 
 true. He desired the Queen to order that a particular 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 121 
 
 care should be taken of me, and was of opinion that Glum- 
 dalclitch should still continue in her office of tending me, 
 because he observed we had a great affection for each 
 other. A convenient apartment was provided for her 
 at court ; she had a sort of governess appointed to take 
 care of her education, a maid to dress her, and two 
 other servants for menial offices ; but the care of me 
 was wholly appropriated to herself. The Queen com- 
 manded her own cabinet-maker to contrive a box that 
 might serve me for a bed-chamber, after the model that 
 Glumdalclitch and I should agree upon. This man was 
 a most ingenious artist, and according to my directions, 
 in three weeks finished for me a wooden chamber of 
 sixteen foot square, and twelve high, with sash-windows, 
 a door, and two closets, like a London bed-chamber. 
 The board that made the ceiling was to be lifted up and 
 down by two hinges, to put in a bed ready furnished 
 by her Majesty's upholsterer, which Glumdalclitch took 
 out every day to air, made it with her own hands, and 
 letting it down at night, locked up the roof over me. 
 A nice workman, who was famous for little curiosities, 
 undertook to make me two chairs, with backs and 
 frames, of a substance not unlike ivory, and two tables, 
 with a cabinet to put my things in. The room was 
 quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and the ceUing, 
 to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those 
 who carried me, and to break the force of a jolt when 
 I went in a coach. I desired a lock for my door, to 
 prevent rats and mice from coming in : the smith, after 
 several attempts, made the smallest that ever was seen 
 among them, for I have known a larger at the gate of 
 a gentleman's house in England. I made a shift to keep 
 the key in a pocket of my own, fearing Glumdalclitch 
 might lose it. The Queen likewise ordered the thinnest 
 silks that could be gotten, to make me clothes, not much 
 
122 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 thicker than an English blanket, very cumbersome till 
 I was accustomed to them. They were after the fashion 
 of the kingdom, partly resembling the Persian, and 
 partly the Chinese, and are a very grave and decent 
 habit. 
 
 The Queen became so fond of my company, that she 
 could not dine without me. I had a table placed upon 
 the same at which her Majesty ate, just at her left elbow, 
 and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood upon a stool 
 on the floor, near my table, to assist and take care of me. 
 I had an entire set of silver dishes and plates, and other 
 necessaries, which, in proportion to those of the Queen, 
 were not much bigger than what I have seen of the same 
 kind in a London toy-shop, for the furniture of a baby- 
 house : these my little nurse kept in her pocket in a silver 
 box, and gave me at meals as I wanted them, always 
 cleaning them herself. No person dined with the Queen 
 but the two Princesses Royal, the elder sixteen years old, 
 and the younger at that time thirteen and a month. 
 Her Majesty used to put a bit of meat upon one of my 
 dishes, out of which I carved for myself, and her diversion 
 was to see me eat in miniature. For the Queen (who had 
 indeed but a weak stomach) took up at one mouthful aa 
 much as a dozen English farmers could eat at a meal, 
 which to me was for some time a very nauseous sight. 
 She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all, 
 between her teeth, although it were nine times as large 
 as that of a full-grown turkey ; and put a bit of bread 
 into her mouth, as big as two twelve-penny loaves. 
 She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at 
 a draught. Her knives were twice as long as a scythe 
 set straight upon the handle. The spoons, forks, and 
 other instruments were all in the same proportion. 
 I remember when Glumdalclitch carried me out of 
 curiosity to see some of the tables at court, where ten 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 123 
 
 or a dozen of these enormous knives and forks were 
 lifted up together, I thought I had never till then beheld 
 so terrible a sight. 
 
 It is the custom that every Wednesday (which, as I 
 have before observed, was their Sabbath) the King and 
 Queen, with the royal issue of both sexes, dine together in 
 the apartment of his Majesty, to whom I was now become 
 a great favourite ; and at these times my little chair and 
 table were placed at his left hand, before one of the salt- 
 cellars. This prince took a pleasure in conversing with 
 me, enquiring into the manners, religion, laws, govern- 
 ment, and learning of Europe ; wherein I gave him the 
 best account I was able. His apprehension was so clear, 
 and his judgment so exact, that he made very wise 
 reflections and observations upon all I said. But, 
 I confess, that after I had been a little too copious in 
 talking of my own beloved country, of our trade, and 
 wars by sea and land, of our schisms in religion, and 
 parties in the state, the prejudices of his education 
 prevailed so far, that he could not forbear taking me up 
 in his right hand, and stroking me gently with the other, 
 after an hearty fit of laughing, asked me whether I were 
 a Whig or a Tory. Then turning to his first minister, 
 who waited behind him with a white staff, near as 
 tall as the mainmast of the Royal Sovereign, he observed 
 how contemptible a thing was human grandeur, which 
 could be mimicked by such diminutive insects as I : and 
 yet, said he, I dare engage, these creatures have their 
 titles and distinctions of honour, they contrive little 
 nests and burrows, that they call houses and cities; 
 they make a figure in dress and equipage ; they love, 
 they fight, they dispute, they cheat, they betray. And 
 thus he continued on, while my colour came and went 
 several times with indignation to hear our noble country, 
 the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the 
 
124 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 arbitress of Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honour and 
 truth, the pride and envy of the VForld, so contemptuously 
 treated. 
 
 But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so, 
 upon mature thoughts, I began to doubt whether I were 
 injured or no. For, after having been accustomed several 
 months to the sight and converse of this people, and 
 observed every object upon which I cast my eyes to be of 
 proportionable magnitude, the horror I had first con- 
 ceived from their bulk and aspect was so far worn off, 
 that if I had then beheld a company of English lords and 
 ladies in their finery and birth-day clothes, acting their 
 several parts in the most courtly manner, of strutting, 
 and bowing, and prating, to say the truth, I should have 
 been strongly tempted to laugh as much at them as the 
 King and his grandees did at me. Neither indeed 
 could I forbear smiling at myself, when the Queen used 
 to place me upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by 
 which both our persons appeared before me in full view 
 together ; and there could be nothing more ridiculous 
 than the comparison ; so that I really began to imagine 
 myself dwindled many degrees below my usual size. 
 
 Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the 
 Queen's dwarf, who being of the lowest stature that was 
 ever in that country (for I verily think he was not full 
 thirty foot high) became insolent at seeiag a creature 
 so much beneath him, that he would always afEect to 
 swagger and look big as he passed by me in the Queen's 
 antechamber, while I was standing on some table talking 
 with the lords or ladies of the court, and he seldom failed 
 of a smart ^ word or two upon my littleness; against 
 which I could only revenge myself by calling him brother, 
 challenging him to wrestle, and such repartees as are 
 usual in the mouths of court pages. One day at dinnei 
 ■ smart Favikner : small ITSS, VSS. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 125 
 
 this malicious little cub was so nettled with something 
 I had said to him, that raising himself upon the frame 
 of her Majesty's chair, he took me up by the middle, as 
 I was sitting down, not thinking any harm, and let me 
 drop into a large silver bowl of cream, and then ran 
 away as fast as he could. I fell over head and ears, and 
 if I had not been a good swimmer, it might have gone 
 very hard with me ; for Glumdalclitch in that instant 
 happened to be at the other end of the room, and the 
 Queen was in such a fright that she wanted presence 
 of mind to assist me. But my little nurse ran to my 
 relief, and took me out, after I had swallowed above 
 a quart of cream. I was put to bed ; however I received 
 no other damage than the loss of a suit of clothes, which 
 was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was soundly whipped, 
 and as a farther punishment, forced to drink up the bowl 
 of cream, into which he had thrown me ; neither was 
 he ever restored to favour : for soon after the Queen 
 bestowed him to a lady of high quality, so that I saw 
 him no more, to my very great satisfaction ; for I could 
 not tell to what extremity such a malicious urchin might 
 have carried his resentment. 
 
 He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the 
 Queen a laughing, although at the same time she were 
 heartily vexed, and would have immediately cashiered 
 him, if I had not been so generous as to intercede. 
 Her Majesty had taken a marrow-bone upon her plate, 
 and after knocking out the marrow, placed the bone 
 again in the dish erect as it stood before ; the dwarf 
 watching his opportunity, while Glumdalclitch was gone 
 to the sideboard, mounted upon the stool she stood on 
 to take care of me at meals, took me up in both hands, 
 and squeezing my legs together, wedged them into the 
 marrow-bone above my waist, where I stuck for some 
 time, and made a very ridiculous figure. I believe it was 
 
126 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 near a minute before any one knew what was become of 
 me, for I thought it below me to cry out. But, as princes 
 seldom get their meat hot, my legs were not scalded, 
 only my stockings and breeches in a sad condition. 
 The dwarf at my entreaty had no other punishment 
 than a sound whipping. 
 
 I was frequently rallied by the Queen upon account of 
 my fearfulness, and she used to ask me whether the 
 people of my country were as great cowards as myself. 
 The occasion was this. The kingdom is much pestered 
 with flies in summer ; and these odious insects, each of 
 them as big as a Dunstable lark, hardly gave me any 
 rest whUe I sat at dinner, with their continual humming 
 and buzzing about my ears. They would sometimes 
 alight upon my victuals ; and leave their loathsome 
 excrement or spawn behind, which to me was very 
 visible, though not to the natives of that country, 
 whose large optics were not so acute as mine in viewing 
 smaller objects. Sometimes they would fix upon my 
 nose or forehead, where they stung me to the quick, 
 smelling very offensively, and I could easily trace that 
 viscous matter, which our naturalists tell us enables 
 those creatures to walk with their feet upwards upon 
 a ceiling. I had much ado to defend myself against 
 these detestable animals, and could not forbear starting 
 when they came on my face. It was the common 
 practice of the dwarf to catch a number of these insects 
 in his hand, as schoolboys do among us, and let them out 
 suddenly under my nose, on purpose to frighten me, 
 and divert the Queen. My remedy was to cut them in 
 pieces with my knife as they flew in the air, wherein my 
 dexterity was much admired. 
 
 I remember one morning when Glumdalclitch had set 
 me in my box upon a window, as she usually did in fair 
 days to give me air (for I durst not venture to let the 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 127 
 
 box be hung on a nail or of the window, as we do with 
 cages in England) after I had lifted up one of my sashes, 
 and sat down at my table to eat a piece of sweet cake 
 for my breakfast, above twenty wasps, allured by the 
 smell, came flying into the room, humming louder than 
 the drones of as many bagpipes. Some of them seized 
 my cake, and carried it piecemeal away, others flew 
 about my head and face, confounding me with the noise, 
 and putting me in the utmost terror of their stings. 
 However I had the courage to rise and draw my hanger, 
 and attack them in the air. I dispatched four of them, 
 but the rest got away, and I presently shut my window. 
 These insects were as large as partridges : I took out 
 their stings, found them an inch and a half long, and as 
 sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all, and 
 having since shown them with some other curiosities in 
 several parts of Europe, upon my return to England 
 I gave three of them to Gresham College, and kept the 
 fourth for myself. 
 
CHAP. IV 
 
 The country described. A proposal for correcting modern maps. The 
 King's palace, and some account of the metropolis. Tlie Authoft 
 way of travelling. The chief temple described. 
 
 I NOW intend to give the reader a short description of 
 this country, as far as I travelled in it, which was not 
 above two thousand miles round Lorbrulgrud the 
 metropolis. For the Queen, whom I always attended, 
 never went further when she accompanied the King in 
 his progresses, and there stayed till his Majesty returned 
 from viewing his frontiers. The whole extent of this 
 prince's dominions reacheth about six thousand nules 
 in length, and from three to five in breadth. From 
 whence I cannot but conclude that our geographers of 
 Europe are in a great error, by supposing nothing but 
 sea between Japan and California ; for it was ever my 
 opinion, that there must be a balance of earth to counter- 
 poise the great continent of Tartary ; and therefore they 
 ought to correct their maps and charts, by joining this 
 vast tract of land to the north-west parts of America, 
 whgjpin I shall be ready tqJend them my assistance. 
 /The kingdom is a penins^^ terminated to the north- 
 east by a ridge of mountains thirty miles high, which are 
 altogether impassable by reason of the volcanoes upon 
 the tops. Neither do the most learned know what sort 
 of mortals inhabit beyond those mountains, or whether 
 they be inhabited at all. On the three other sides it is 
 bounded by the ocean. There is not one sea-port in the 
 whole kingdom, and those parts of the coasts into which 
 the rivers issue are so full of pointed rocks, and the sea 
 generally so rough, that there is no venturing with the 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 129 
 
 smallest of their boats, so than these people are w hoU? 
 excluded from any commerce with the rest of the w orld! 
 But the large rivers are full of vessels, and abound with 
 excellent fish, for they seldom get any from the sea, 
 because the sea-fish are of the same size with those in 
 Europe, and consequently not worth catching ; whereby 
 it is manifest, that nature, in the production of plants 
 and animals of so extraordinary a bulk, is wholly 
 confined to this continent, of which I leave the reasons 
 to be determined by philosophers. However, now and 
 then they take a whale that happens to be dashed 
 against the rocks, which the common people feed on 
 heartily. These whales I have known so large that 
 a man could hardly carry one upon his shoulders ; and 
 sometimes for curiosity they are brought in hampers 
 to Lorbrulgrud : I saw one of them in a dish at the 
 King's table, which passed for a rarity, but I did not 
 observe he was fond of it ; for I think indeed the bigness 
 disgusted him, although I have seen one somewhat larger 
 in Greenland. 
 
 The country is well inhabited, for it contains fifty-one 
 cities, near an hundred walled towns, and a great number 
 of villages. To satisfy my curious reader, it may be 
 sufficient to describe Lorbrulgrud. This city stands upon 
 almost two equal parts on each side the river that passes 
 through, pt contains above eighty thousand houses, and 
 about six hundred thousand inhabitant It is in length 
 three glongluns (which make about fifty-four English 
 miles) and two and a half in breadth, as I measured it 
 myself in the royal map made by the King's order, 
 which was laid on the ground on purpose for me, and 
 extended an hundred feet : I paced the diameter and 
 circumference several times bare-foot, and computing 
 by the scale, measured it pretty exactly. 
 
 The King's palace is no regular edifice, but an heap of 
 
 SWIFT p 
 
130 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 buildings about seven miles round : the chief rooms are 
 generally two hundred and forty foot high, and broad and 
 long in proportion. A coach was allowed to Glumdalclitch 
 and me, wherein her governess frequently took her out to 
 see the town, or go among the shops ; and I was always of 
 the party, carried ia my box ; although the girl at my 
 own desire would often take me out, and hold me iu her 
 hand, that I might more conveniently view the houses 
 and the people, as we passed along the streets. I reckoned 
 our coach to be about a square of Westminster Hall, but 
 not altogether so high ; however, I cannot be very exact. 
 One day the governess ordered our coachman to stop at 
 several shops, where the beggars, watching their oppor- 
 tunity, crowded to the sides of the coach, and gave mathe 
 most horrible spectacles that ever an English eye behefilJ 
 There was a woman with a cancer in her breast, swelled 
 to a monstrous size, full of holes, in two or three of 
 which I could have easily crept, and covered my whole 
 body. There was a fellow with a wen ia his neck, 
 larger than five wool-packs, and another with a,couple 
 of wooden legs, each about twenty foot high. /But the 
 most hateful sight of all was the lice crawling on their 
 clothes. I could see distinctly the Umbs of these ver- 
 min with my naked eye, much better than those of 
 an European louse through a microscope, and their 
 snouts with which they rooted like swh^ They were 
 the first I had ever beheld, and I should have been 
 curious enough to dissect one of them, if I had proper 
 instruments (which I unluckily left behind me in the 
 ship) although indeed the sight was so nauseous, that 
 it perfectly turned my stomach. 
 
 Besides the large box ia which I was usually carried, 
 the Queen ordered a smaller one to be made for me, of 
 about twelve foot square, and ten high, for the conveni- 
 ence of travelling, because the other was somewhat 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 131 
 
 too large for Glumdalclitch's lap, and cumbersome in 
 the coach ; it was made by the same artist, whom 
 I directed in the whole contrivance. This travelling 
 closet was an exact square with a window in the middle 
 of three of the squares, and each window was latticed 
 with iron wire on the outside, to prevent accidents in 
 long journeys. On the fourth side, which had no window, 
 two strong staples were fixed, through which the person 
 that carried me, when I had a mind to be on horseback 
 put in a leathern belt, and buckled it about his waist. 
 This was always the office of some grave trusty servant 
 in whom I could confide, whether I attended the King 
 and Queen in their progresses, or were disposed to see the 
 gardens, or pay a visit to some great lady or minister of 
 state in the court, when Glumdalclitch happened to be 
 out of order : for I soon began to be known and esteemed 
 among the greatest officers, I suppose more upon account 
 of their Majesties' favour, than any merit of my own. In 
 journeys, when I was weary of the coach, a servant on 
 horseback would buckle my box, and place it on a cushion 
 before him ; and there I had a full prospect of the country 
 on three sides from my three windows. I had in this 
 closet a field-bed and a hammock hung from the ceiling, 
 two chairs and a table, neatly screwed to the floor, to 
 prevent being tossed about by the agitation of the horse 
 or the coach. And having been long used to sea-voyages, 
 those motions, although sometimes very violent, did not 
 much discompose me. 
 
 Whenever I had a mind to see the town, it was always 
 in my travelling-closet, which Glumdalclitch held in her 
 lap in a kind of open sedan, after the fashion of the 
 country, borne by four men, and attended by two others 
 in the Queen's livery. The people who had often heard 
 of me, were very curious to crowd about the sedan, and 
 the girl was complaisant enough to make the bearers 
 
132 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 stop, and to take me in her hand that I might be more 
 conveniently seen. 
 
 I was very desirous to see the chief temple, and 
 particularly the tower belonging to it, which is reckoned 
 the highest in the kingdom. Accordingly one day my 
 nurse carried me thither, but I may truly say I came back 
 disappointed ; for the height is not above three thousand 
 foot, reckoning ^ from the ground to the highest pinnacle 
 top ; which allowing for the difference between the size 
 of those people and us in Europe, is no great matter for 
 admiration, nor at all equal in proportion (if I rightly 
 remember) to Salisbury steeple. But, not to detract 
 from a nation to which during my life I shall acknow- 
 ledge myself extremely obliged, it must be allowed that 
 whatever this famous tower wants in height is amply 
 made up in beauty and strength. For the walls are 
 near an hundred foot thick, built of hewn stone, whereof 
 each is about forty foot square, and adorned on all sides 
 with statues of gods and emperors out in marble larger 
 than the life, placed in their several niches. I measured 
 a little finger which had fallen down from one of these 
 statues, and lay unperoeived among some rubbish, and 
 found it exactly four foot and an inch in length. Glum- 
 dalclitch wrapped it up in a handkerchief, and carried it 
 home in herpocket to keep among other trinkets, of which 
 the girl was very fond, as children at her age usually are. 
 
 The King's kitchen is indeed a noble building, vaulted 
 at top, and about six hundred foot high. The great oven 
 is not so wide by ten paces as the cupola at St. Paul's : 
 for I measured the latter on purpose after my return. 
 But if I should describe the kitchen-grate, the prodigious 
 pots and kettles, the joints of meat turning on the spits, 
 with many other particulars, perhaps I should be hardly 
 believed; at least a severe critic would be apt to think 
 > reckoning Faulkner: tmd rookoning 1726, 1727. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 133 
 
 I enlarged a little, as travellers are often suspected to do. 
 To avoid which censure, I fear I have run too much into 
 the other extreme ; and that if this treatise should 
 happen to be translated into the language of Brobdingnag 
 (which is the general name of that kingdom) and trans- 
 mitted thither, the King and his people would have 
 reason to complain that I had done them an injury by 
 a false and diminutive representation. 
 
 His Majesty seldom keeps above six hundred horses 
 in his stables : they are generally from fifty-four to 
 sixty foot high. But when he goes abroad on solemn 
 days, he is attended for state by a militia guard of five 
 hundred horse, which indeed I thought was the most 
 splendid sight that could be ever beheld, till I saw part 
 of his army in battalia, whereof I shall find another 
 occasion to speak. 
 
CHAP. V 
 
 Several adventures thai happened to the Author. The execution of a 
 criminal. The Author shows his skill in navigation. 
 
 I SHOULD have lived happy enough in that country, if 
 my littleness had not exposed me to several ridiculous and 
 troublesome accidents, some of which I shall venture to 
 relate. Glumdalolitch often carried me into the gardens 
 of the court in my smaller box, and would sometimes 
 take me out of it and hold me in her hand, or set me 
 down to walk. I remember, before the dwarf left the 
 Queen, he followed us one day into those gardens, and 
 my nurse having set me down, he and I being close 
 together, near some dwarf apple-trees, I must needs 
 show my wit by a silly allusion between him and the 
 trees, which happens to hold in their language as it doth 
 in ours. Whereupon, the malicious rogue watching his 
 opportunity, when I was walking under one of them, 
 shook it directly over my head, by which a dozen apples, 
 each of them near as large as a Bristol barrel, came 
 tumbling about my ears ; one of them hit me on the 
 back as I chancejj to stoop, and knocked me down fiat 
 on my face, butflj-eceived no other hurt, and the dwarf 
 was pardpned at my desire, because I had given the 
 provocatiraV 
 
 Another oay Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass- 
 plot to divert myself while she walked at some distance 
 with her governess. In the meantime there suddenly 
 fell such a violent shower of hail, that I was immediately 
 by the force of it struck to the ground : and when I was 
 down, the hailstones gave me such cruel bangs aU over 
 the body, as it I had been pelted with tennis-balls ; 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 135 
 
 however I made a shift to creep on all four, and shelter 
 myself by lying flat on my face on the lee-side of a border 
 of lemon thyme, but so bruised from head to foot that 
 I could not go abroad in ten days. Neither is this at all 
 to be wondered at, because nature in that country 
 observing the same proportion through all her operations, 
 a hailstone is near eighteen hundred times as large as one 
 in Europe, which I can assert upon experience, having 
 been so curious to weigh and measure them. 
 
 But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the 
 same garden, when my little nurse believing she had put 
 me in a secure place, which I often entreated her to do, 
 that I might enjoy my own thoughts, and having left my 
 box at home to avoid the trouble of carrying it, went to 
 another part of the garden with her governess and some 
 ladies of her acquaintance. While she was absent and 
 out of hearing, a small white spaniel belonging to one 
 of the chief gardeners, having got by accident into the 
 garden, happened to range near the place where I lay. 
 The dog following the scent, came directly up, and taking 
 me in his mouth, ran straight to bis master, wagging his 
 tail, and set me gently on the ground. By good fortune 
 he had been so well taught, that I was carried between his 
 teeth without the least hurt, or even tearing my alothes. 
 But the poor gardener, who knew me well, and had 
 a great kindness for me, was in a terrible fright. He 
 gently took me up in both his hands, and asked me how 
 I did ; but I was so amazed and out of breath, that 
 I could not speak a word. In a few minutes I came to 
 myself, and he carried me safe to my little nurse, who 
 by this time had returned to the place where she left me, 
 and was in cruel agonies when I did not appear, nor 
 answer when she caUed : she severely reprimanded the 
 gardener on account of his dog. But the thing was 
 hushed up, and never known at court ; for the girl was 
 
136 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 afraid of the Queen's anger, and truly as to myself, 
 I thought it would not be for my reputation that such 
 a story should go about. 
 
 This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch 
 never to trust me abroad for the future out of her sight. 
 I had been long afraid of this resolution, and therefore 
 concealed from her some little unlucky adventures that 
 happened in those times when I was left by myself. 
 Once a kite hovering over the garden made a stoop at me, 
 and if I had not resolutely drawn my hanger, and run 
 under a thick espalier, he would have certainly carried 
 me away in his talons. Another time walking to the top 
 of a fresh mole-hUl, I fell to my neck in the hole through 
 which that animal had cast up the earth, and coined some 
 lie, not worth Mmembering, to excuse myself for spoiling 
 my clothes. Tf likewise broke my right shin against the 
 shell of a snaH^ which I happened to stumble over, as 
 I was walking alone, and thinking onpoojjjjjglandj 
 
 I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified, 
 to observe in those solitary walks that the smaller birds 
 did not appear to be at all afraid of me, but would hop 
 about within a yard distance, looking for worms and 
 other food with as much indifference and security as if 
 no cretiture at all were near them. I remember a thrush 
 had the conlBdence to snatch out of my hand with his 
 bill a piece of cake that Glumdalclitch had just given 
 me for my breakfast. When I attempted to catch any 
 of these birds, they would boldly turn against me, 
 endeavouring to pick my fingers, which I durst not 
 venture within their reach ; and then they would hop 
 back unconcerned to hunt for worms or snails, as they 
 did before. But one day I took a thick cudgel, and threw 
 it with all my strength so luckily at a linnet that I 
 knocked him down, and seizing him by the neck with 
 both my hands, ran with him in triumph to my nurse. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BEOBDINGNAG 137 
 
 However, the bird.who had only been stunned, recovering 
 himself, gave me so many boxes with his wings on both 
 sides of my head and body, though I held him at arm's 
 length, and was out of the reach of his claws, that I was 
 twenty times thinking to let him go. But I was soon 
 relieved by one of our servants, who wrung off the bird's 
 neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by the Queen's 
 command. This lionet, as near as I can remember, seemed 
 to be somewhat larger than an English swan. 
 
 The Maids of Honou r often invited Gliundalclitch to 
 tneir apartments, and desired she would bring me along 
 with her, on pilose to have the pleasure of seeing and 
 touching me. <C^ey would often strip me naked from 
 top to toe, and lay me at full length in their bosoms ; 
 wherewith I was much disgusted ; because, to say the 
 truth, a very offensive smell came from their skigajk 
 which I do not mention or intend to the disadvantage 
 of those excellent ladies, for whom I have all manner 
 of respect ; but I conceive that my sense was more 
 acute in proportion to my littleness, and that those 
 Ulustrious persons were no more disagreeable to their 
 lovers, or to each other, than people of the same quality 
 are with us in England. And, after all, I found their 
 natural smell was much more supportable than when 
 they used perfumes, under which I immediately swooned 
 away. I cannot forget that an intimate friend of mine 
 in LUliput took the freedom in a warm day, when I 
 had used a good deal of exercise, to complain of a 
 strong smell about me, although I am as little faulty 
 that way as most of my sex : but I suppose his faculty 
 of smeUing was as nice with regard to me, as mine was 
 to that of this people. Upon this point, I cannot for- 
 bear doing justice to the Queen my mistress, and 
 GlumdalcUtch my nurse, whose persons were as sweet 
 as those of any lady in England. 
 
138 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 That which gave me most uneasiness among these 
 I Maids of Honour, when my nurse carried me to visit 
 I them, was to see them use me without any manner of 
 [ceremony, like a creature who had no sort of conse- 
 quence. For they would strip themselves to the skin, 
 and put on their smocks in my presence, while I was 
 placed on their toilet directly before their naked bodies, 
 which, I am sure, to me was very far from being a 
 tempting sight, or from giving me any other emotions 
 than those of horror and disgust. Their skins appeared 
 so coarse and uneven, so variously coloured, when I 
 saw them near, with a mole here and there as broad 
 as a trencher, and hairs hanging from it thicker than 
 pack-threads, to say nothing further concerning the 
 rest of their persons. Neither did they at all scruple, 
 while I was by, to discharge what they had drunk, to 
 the quantity of at least twa hogsheads, in a vessel 
 that held above three tuns, ^^he handsomest among 
 these Maids of Honour, a pleasant frolicsome girl of 
 sixteen, would sometimes set me astride upon one of 
 her nipples, with many other tricks, whereintiie reader 
 will excuse me for not being over particular But I 
 was so much displeased, that I entreated Glumdalchtch 
 to contrive some excuse for not seeing that young lady 
 any more. 
 
 One day a young gentleman, who was nephew to my 
 nurse's governess, came and pressed them both to see an 
 execution. It was of a man who had murdered one of that 
 gentleman's intimate acquaintance. Glumdalclitch was 
 prevailed on to be of the company, very much against 
 her inclination, for she was naturally tender-hearted : 
 and as for myself, although I abhorred such kind of 
 spectacles, yet my curiosity tempted me to see something 
 that I thought must be extraordinary The malefactor 
 was fixed in a chair upon a scaffold erected for the 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 139 
 
 purpose, and his head cut off at a blow with a sword of 
 about forty foot long. The veins and arteries spouted 
 up such a prodigious quantity of blood, and so high in \ 
 the air, that the great jet d'eau at Versailles was not ( 
 equal for the time it lasted ; and the head, when it fell on! 
 the scafEold floor, gave such a bounce, as made me start, J 
 although I were at least half an English mile distanjj""^ 
 The Queen, who often used to hear me talk of my 
 sea-voyages, and took all occasions to divert me when 
 I was melancholy, asked me whether I understood how 
 to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a little exercise 
 of rowing might not be convenient for my health. 
 I answered that I understood both very well. For 
 although my proper employment had been to be surgeon 
 or doctor to the ship, yet often, upon a pinch, I was 
 forced to work like a common mariner. But I could 
 not see how this could be done in their country, where 
 the smallest wherry was equal to a first-rate man of war 
 among us, and such a boat as I could manage would 
 never live in any of their rivers. Her Majesty said, if 
 I would contrive a boat, her own joiner should make it, 
 and she would provide a place for me to sail in. The 
 fellow was an ingenious workman, and by my instructions 
 in ten days finished a pleasure-boat with all its tackling, 
 able conveniently to hold eight Europeans. When it was 
 finished, the Queen was so delighted, that she ran with it 
 in her lap to the King, who ordered it to be put in a cistern 
 full of water, with me in it, by way of trial ; where I could 
 not manage my two sculls, or little oars, for want of room. 
 But the Queen had before contrived another project. 
 She ordered the joiner to make a wooden trough of three 
 hundred foot long, fifty broad, and eight deep ; which 
 being well pitched to prevent leaking, was placed on the 
 floor along the wall, in an outer room of the palace. 
 It had a cock near the bottom to let out the water when 
 
140 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 it began to grow stale, and two servants could easily fill 
 it in half an hour. Here I often used to row for my own 
 diversion, as well as that of the Queen and her ladies, 
 who thought themselves well entertained with my skill 
 and agility. Sometimes I would put up my sail, and 
 then my business was only to steer, while the ladies gave 
 me a gale with their fans ; and when they were weary, 
 some of the pages would blow my sail forward with their 
 breath, while I showed my art by steering starboard or 
 larboard as I pleased. When I had done, Glumdalclitch 
 always carried my boat into her closet, and hung it on 
 a nail to dry. 
 
 In this exercise I once met an accident which had like 
 to have cost me my life. For one of the pages having 
 put my boat into the trough, the governess who attended 
 Glumdalclitch very officiously lifted me up to place me in 
 the boat, but I happened to slip through her fingers, and 
 should have infallibly fallen down forty feet upon the 
 floor, it by the luckiest chance in the world, I had not 
 been stopped by a corking-pin that stuck in the good 
 gentlewoman's stomacher ; the head of the pin passed 
 between my shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and 
 thus I was held by the middle in the air till Glumdalclitch 
 ran to my relief. 
 
 Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was 
 to fill my trough every third day with fresh water, was so 
 careless to let a huge frog (not perceiving it) slip out of 
 his pail. The frog lay concealed till I was put into my 
 boat, but then seeing a resting-place, climbed up, and 
 made it lean so much on one side, that I was forced to 
 balance it with all my weight on the other, to prevent 
 overturning. When the frog was got in, it hopped at 
 once half the length of the boat, and then over my head, 
 backwards and forwards, daubing my face and clothes 
 with its odious slime. The largeness of its features made 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 141 
 
 it appear the most deformed animal that can be conceived . 
 However, I desired Glumdalclitoh to let me deal with it 
 alone. I banged it a good while with one of my sculls, 
 anekat last forced it to leap out of the boat. 
 
 /But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that 
 kmgaom was from a monk^lwho belonged to one of the 
 clerks of the kitchen. Gltiradalclitch had locked me up in 
 her closet, while she went somewhere upon business or 
 a visit. The weather being very warm, the closet window 
 was left open, as well as the windows and the door of my 
 bigger box, in which I usually lived, because of its large- 
 ness and conveniency. As I sat quietly meditating at my 
 table, I heard something bounce in at the closet window, 
 and skip about from one side to the other ; whereat, 
 although I was much alarmed, yet I ventured to look 
 out, but stirred not from my seat ; and then I saw this 
 frolicsome animal, frisking and leaping up and down, till 
 at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view with 
 great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and 
 every window. I retreated to the farther comer of my 
 room, or box, but the monkey looking in at every side, 
 put me into such a fright, that I wanted presence of 
 mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I might easily 
 have done. After some time spent in peeping, grinning, 
 and chattering, he at last espied me, and reaching one 
 of his paws in at the door, as a cat does when she plays 
 with a mouse, although I often shifted place to avoid 
 him, he at length seized the lappet of my coat (which 
 being made of that country cloth, was very thick and 
 strong) and dragged me out. He took me up in his right 
 fore-foot, and held me as a nurse does a child she is going 
 to suckle, just as I have seen the same sort of creature do 
 with a kitten in Europe : and when I offered to struggle, 
 he squeezed me so hard, that I thought it more prudent 
 to submit. I have good reason to believe that he took 
 
142 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I me for a young one of his own species, b3C_lu? often 
 stroking my face very gently with his other-p«w. In 
 these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the 
 closet door, as if somebody were opening it ; whereupon 
 he suddenly leaped up to the window at which he had 
 come in, and thence upon the leads and gutters, walking 
 upon three legs, and holding me in the fourth, till he 
 clambered up to a roof that was next to ours. I heard 
 Glumdalclitch give a shriek at the moment he was 
 carrying me out. The poor girl was almost distracted : 
 that quarter of the palace was all in an uproar ; the 
 servants ran for ladders ; the monkey was seen by 
 hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge of a building, 
 holding me like a baby in one of his fore-paws, and feeding 
 me with the other, by cramming into my mouth some 
 victuals he had squeezed out of the bag on one side of his 
 chaps, and patting me when I would not eat ; whereat 
 many of the rabble below could not forbear laughing ; 
 neither do I thiuk they justly ought to be blamed, for 
 without question the sight was ridiculous enough to 
 every body but myself. Some of the people threw up 
 stones, hoping to drive the monkey down ; but this was 
 strictly forbidden, or else very probably my brains had 
 been dashed out. 
 
 The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several 
 men, which the monkey observing, and finding himself 
 almost encompassed, not being able to make speed enough 
 with his three legs, let me drop on a ridge tile, and made 
 his escape. Here I sat for some time three hundred yards 
 from the ground, expecting every moment to be blown 
 down by the wind, or to fall by my own giddiness, and 
 come tumbling over and over from the ridge to the eaves ; 
 but an honest lad, one of my nurse's footmen, climbed 
 up, and putting me into his breeches pocket, brought me 
 down safe. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 143 
 
 I was almost choked with the filthy stufi the monkey 
 had crammed down my throat : but my dear little nurse 
 picked it out of my mouth with a small needle, and then 
 I fell a vomiting, which gave me great relief. Yet I was 
 so weak and bruised in the sides with the squeezes given 
 me by this odious animal, that I was forced to keep my 
 bed a fortnight. The King, Queen, and all the court, 
 sent every day to enquire after my health, and her 
 Majesty made me several visits during my sickness. 
 iThe monkey was kiUed. and an order made that no 
 such animal should be kept about the palace. \ 
 
 When I attended the King after my recovery, to return 
 him thanks for his favours, he was pleased to rally me 
 a good deal upon this adventure. He asked me what my 
 thoughts and speculations were while I lay in the monkey's 
 paw, how I liked the victuals he gave me, his manner of 
 feeding, and whether the fresh air on the roof had sharp- 
 ened my stomach. He desired to know what I would 
 have done upon such an occasion in my own country. 
 I told his Majesty that in Europe we had no monkeys, 
 except such as were brought for curiosities from other 
 places, and so small that I could deal with a dozen of 
 them together, it they presumed to attack me. And as 
 for that monstrous animal with whom I was so lately 
 engaged, (it was indeed as large as an elephant) if my 
 fears had suffered me to think so far as to make use of 
 my hanger (looking fiercely and clapping my hand upon 
 the hilt as I spoke) when he poked his paw into my 
 chamber, perhaps I should have given him such a wound, 
 as would have made him glad to withdraw it with more 
 haste than he put it in. This I delivered in a firm tone, 
 like a person who was jealous lest his courage should 
 be called in question. However, my speech produced 
 nothing else besides a loud laughter, which all the respect 
 due to his Majesty from those about him could not make 
 
144 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 them contain. Ci^ia made me reflect how vain an attempt 
 it is for a man to endeavour doing himself honour among 
 those w^are out of all degree of equality or comparison 
 with him3 And yet I have seen the moral of my own 
 behaviour very frequent in England since my return, 
 where a little contemptible varlet, without the least title 
 to birth, person, wit, or common sense, shall presume to 
 look with importance, and put himself upon a foot with 
 the greatest persons of the kingdom. 
 
 I was every day furnishing the court with some 
 ridiculous story ; and GlumdalcHtch, although she 
 loved me to excess, yet was arch enough to inform the 
 Queen, whenever I committed any folly that she thought 
 would be diverting to her Majesty. The girl, who had 
 been out of order, was carried by her governess to 
 take the air about an hour's distance, or thirty mUes 
 from town. They ahghted out of the coach near a 
 small foot-path in a field, and Glumdalclitch setting 
 down my travelling box, I went out of it to walk. 
 There was a cow-dung in the path, and I must needs 
 try my activity by attempting to leap over it. I took 
 a run, but unfortunately jumped short, and found 
 myself just in the middle up to my knees. I waded 
 through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen 
 wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief ; 
 for I was filthily bemired, and my nurse confined me 
 to my box till we returned home ; where the Queen 
 was soon informed of what had passed, and the footmen 
 spread it about the court, so that all the mirth, foi 
 some days, was at my expense. 
 
CHAP. VI 
 
 Beveral contrivances of the Author to please the King and Queen. Be 
 ehowa his skill in music. The King inquires into the state of 
 Europe, which the Author relates to Mm. The King's observations 
 thereon. 
 
 I USED to attend the King's levee once or twice a week, 
 and had often seen him under the barber's hand, which 
 indeed was at first very terrible to behold ; for the razor 
 was almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe. His 
 Majesty, according to the custom of the country, was 
 only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the 
 barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of 
 which I picked forty or fifty of the strongest stumps 
 of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it 
 like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at 
 equal distance with as small a needle as I could get 
 from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so arti- 
 ficially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward 
 the points, that I made a very tolerable comb ; which 
 was a seasonable supply, my own being so much broken 
 m the teeth, that it was almost useless : neither did I 
 know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as 
 would undertake to make me another. 
 
 And this puts me in mind of an amusement wherein 
 I spent many of my leisure hours. I desired the Queen's 
 woman to save for me the combings of her Majesty's 
 hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity, and con- 
 sulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had 
 received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed 
 him to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I 
 had in my box, and then to bore little holes with a fine 
 
146 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 awl round those parts where I designed the backs and 
 seats ; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs 
 I could pick out, just after the manner of cane-chairs 
 in England. When they were finished, I made a present 
 of them to her Majesty, who kept them in her cabinet, 
 and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they 
 were the wonder of every one that beheld them. [ Th e 
 Queen would have had me sit upon one of these chairs, 
 but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would 
 rather die a thousand deaths than place a dishonourable 
 part of my body on those precious hairs that once 
 adorned her Majesty's headl Of these hairs (as I had 
 always a mechanical genms) I likewise made a neat 
 little purse about five foot long, with her Majesty's 
 name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glum- 
 dalclitch, by the Queen's consent. To say the truth, 
 it was more for show than use, being not of strength 
 to bear the weight of the larger coins, and therefore 
 she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls 
 are fond of. 
 
 The King, who delighted in music, had frequent 
 concerts at court, to which I was sometimes carried, 
 and set in my box on a table to hear them ; but the 
 noise was so great, that I could hardly distinguish the 
 tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets 
 of a royal army, beating and sounding together just at 
 your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have 
 my box removed from the places where the performers 
 sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows 
 of it, and draw the window curtains ; after which I found 
 their music not disagreeable. 
 
 I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the 
 spinet. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and 
 a master attended twice a week to teach her : I call it 
 a spinet, because it somewhat resembled that instrument. 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 147 
 
 and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy 
 came into my head that I would entertain the King and 
 Queen with an English tune upon this instrument. But 
 this appeared extremely difficult; for the spinet was 
 near sixty foot long, each key being almost a foot wide, 
 so that, with my arms extended, I could not reach to 
 above five keys, and to press them down required a 
 good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great 
 a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived 
 was this. I prepared two round sticks about the bigness 
 of common cudgels ; they were thicker at one end than 
 the other, and I covered the thicker ends with a piece 
 of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on them I might 
 neither damage the tops of the keys, nor interrupt the 
 sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about 
 four foot below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. 
 I ran sideling upon it that way and this, as fast as I 
 could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and 
 made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of 
 both their Majesties : but it was the most violent exer- 
 cise I ever underwent, and yet I could not strike above 
 sixteen keys, nor, consequently, play the bass and treble 
 together, as other artists do ; which was a great dis- 
 advantage to my performance. 
 
 The King, who, as I before observed, was a prince of 
 excellent understanding, would frequently order that 
 I should be brought in my box, and set upon the table 
 in his closet. He would then command me to bring one 
 of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three 
 yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which 
 brought me almost to a level with his face. In this 
 manner I had several conversations with him. I one 
 day took the freedom to tell his Majesty, that the con- 
 tempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of 
 the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent 
 
148 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 qualities of the mind he was master of. That reason 
 did not extend itself with the bulk of the body : on 
 the contrary, we observed in our country that the tallest 
 persons were usually least provided with it. /That among 
 other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of 
 more industry, art and sagacity, than many of the larger 
 kinds. And that, as inconsiderable as he took me to 
 be, I hoped I might live to do his Majesty some signal 
 service^ The King heard me with attention, and began 
 to conceive a much better opinion of me than he had 
 ever before. He desired I would give him as exact an 
 account of the government of England as I possibly 
 could ; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their 
 own customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, 
 by my former discourses), he should be glad to hear of 
 any thing that might deserve imitation. 
 
 Imagine with thyself , courteous reader, how often I then 
 wished for the tongue of DemosthenesorCicero,that might 
 have enabled me to celebrate the praise of my own dear 
 native country in a style equal to its merits and felicity. 
 
 I began my discourse by informing his Majesty that 
 our dominions consisted of two islands, which composed 
 three mighty kingdoms under one sovereign, beside our 
 plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility 
 of our soU, and the temperature of our climate. I then 
 spoke at large upon the constitution of an English Par- 
 liament, partly made up of an illustrious body called 
 the House of Peers, persons of the noblest blood, and of 
 the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I described 
 that extraordinary care always taken of their education 
 in arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors 
 bom to the king and kingdom, to have a share in the 
 legislature, to be members of the highest Court of Judi- 
 cature, from whence there could be no appeal, and to 
 be champions always ready for the defence of their 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 149 
 
 prince and country, by their valour, conduct, and 
 fidelity. That these were the ornament and btdwark 
 of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned 
 ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their 
 virtue, from which their posterity were never once known 
 to degenerate. To these were joined several holy per- 
 sons, as part of that assembly, under the title of Bishops, 
 whose peculiar business it is to take care of religion, and 
 of those who instruct the people therein. These were 
 searched and sought out through the whole nation, by 
 the prince and his wisest counsellors, among such of the 
 priesthood as were most deservedly distinguished by 
 the sanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudi- 
 tion ; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy 
 and the people. 
 
 That the other part of the Parliament consisted of an 
 assembly called the House of Commons, who were all 
 principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the 
 people themselves, for their great abilities and love of 
 their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole 
 nation. And these two bodies make up the most august 
 assembly in Europe, to whom, in conjunction with the 
 prince, the whole legislature is committed. 
 
 I then descended to the Courts of Justice, over which 
 the Judges, those venerable sages and interpreters of 
 the law, presided, for determining the disputed rights 
 and properties of men, as well as for the punishment 
 of vice, and protection of innocence. I mentioned the 
 prudent management of our treasury ; the valour and 
 achievements of our forces by sea and land. I computed 
 the number of our people, by reckoning how many mil- 
 lions there might be of each religious sect, or political 
 party among us. I did not omit even our sports and 
 pastimes, or any other particular which I thought might 
 redound to the honour of my country. And I finished 
 
160 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 all with a brief historical account of afEairs and events 
 in England for about an hundred years past. 
 
 This conversation was not ended under five audiences, 
 each of several hours, and the King heard the whole with 
 great attention, frequently taking notes of what I spoke, 
 as well as memorandums of several questions he intended 
 to ask me. 
 
 When I had put an end to these long discourses, his 
 Majesty in a sixth audience, consulting his notes, pro- 
 posed many doubts, queries, and objections, upon every 
 article. He asked what methods were used to cultivate 
 the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what 
 kind of business they commonly spent the first and 
 teachable part of their lives. What course was taken 
 to supply that assembly when any noble family became 
 extinct. What qualifications were necessary in those who 
 were to be created new lords. Whether the humour of 
 the prince, a sum of money to a court lady, or a prime 
 minister, or a design of strengthening a party opposite 
 to the public interest, ever happened to be motives in 
 those advancements. What share of knowledge these 
 lords had in the laws of their country, and how they 
 came by it, so as to enable them to decide the properties 
 of their fellow-subjects in the last resort. Whether 
 they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or 
 want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, could 
 have no place among them. Whether those holy lords 
 I spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon 
 account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the 
 sanctity of their lives, had never been compilers with 
 the times while they were common priests, or slavish 
 prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions 
 they continued servilely to follow after they were 
 admitted into that assembly. 
 
 He then desired to know what arts were practised in 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 151 
 
 electing those whom I called commoners : whether a 
 stranger with a strong purse might not influence the 
 vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, 
 or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbour- 
 hood. How it came to pass, that people were so 
 violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which 
 I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to 
 the ruia of their families, without any salary or pension : 
 because this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue 
 and public spirit, that his Majesty seemed to doubt it 
 might possibly not be always sincere : and he desired 
 to know whether such zealous gentlemen could have any 
 views of refunding themselves for the charges and 
 trouble they were at, by sacrificing the public good to 
 the designs of a weak and vicious priuce in conjunction 
 with a corrupted ministry. He multiplied his questions, 
 and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head, 
 proposing numberless enquiries and objections, which 
 I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat. 
 
 Upon what I said in relation to our Courts of Justice, 
 his Majesty desired to be satisfied in several points : 
 and this I was the better able to do, having been for- 
 merly almost ruined by a long suit in chancery, which 
 was decreed for me with costs. He asked, what time 
 was usually spent in determining between right and 
 wrong, and what degree of expense. Whether advocates 
 and orators had liberty to plead in causes manifestly 
 known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive. Whether 
 party in religion or politics were observed to be of any 
 weight in the scale of justice. Whether those pleading 
 orators were persons educated in the general knowledge 
 of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other local 
 customs. Whether they or their judges had any part 
 in penning those laws which they assumed the liberty 
 of interpreting and glossing upon at their pleasure. 
 
152 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 Whether they had ever at difEerent times pleaded for 
 and against the same cause, and cited precedents to 
 prove contrary opinions. Whether they were a rich or 
 a poor corporation. Whether they received any pecu- 
 niary reward for pleading or delivering their opinions. 
 And particularly whether they were ever admitted as 
 members in the lower senate. 
 
 He fell next upon the management of our treasury ; 
 and said he thought my memory had failed me, because 
 I computed our taxes at about five or six millions a year, 
 and when I came to mention the issues, he found they 
 sometimes amounted to more than double ; for the 
 notes he had taken were very particular in this point, 
 because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge 
 of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not 
 be deceived in his calculations. But, if what I told him 
 were true, he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run 
 out of its estate like a private person. He asked me, 
 who were our creditors ; and where we should find 
 money to pay them. He wondered to hear me talk of 
 such chargeable and extensive wars ; that certainly we 
 must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad 
 neighbours, and that our generals must needs be richer 
 than our kings. He asked what business we had out of 
 our own islands, unless upon the score of trade or treaty, 
 or to defend the coasts with our fleet. &bpve all, he 
 was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing 
 army in the midst of peace, and among a free people. 
 He said, it we were governed bv*)ur own consent in the 
 persons of our representatives, dg^ould not imagine of 
 whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fi^l ; 
 and would hear my opinion, whether a private man's 
 house might not better be defended by himself, his chil- 
 dren, and family, than by half a dozen rascals picked 
 up at a venture in the streets, for small wages, who 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 153 
 
 might get an hundred times more by cutting their 
 throats. 
 
 He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic (as he was 
 pleased to call it) in reckoning the numbers of our people 
 by a computation drawn from the several sects among us 
 in religion and politics. He said, he knew no reason, 
 why those who entertain opinions prejudicial to the 
 public, should be obliged to change, or should not be 
 obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any 
 government to require the first, so it was weakness not 
 to enforce the second : for a man may be allowed to 
 keep poisons in his closet, but not to vend them about 
 for cordials. 
 
 He observed that among the diversions of our nobility 
 and gentry I had mentioned gaming. He desired to 
 know at what age this entertainment was usually taken 
 up, and when it was laid down ; how much of their time 
 it employed ; whether it ever went so high as to affect 
 their fortunes ; whether mean vicious people, by their 
 dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches, 
 and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as 
 well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take 
 them from the improvement of their minds, and force 
 them, by the losses they have received, to learn and 
 practise that infamous dexterity upon others. ^ 
 
 He was perfectly astonished with the historical account 
 I gave him of our affairs during the last century, pro- 
 testing it was only an heap of conspiracies, rebellions, 
 murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments, the 
 worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidious-^ 
 ness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust, 
 or ambition could produce. 
 
 His Majesty in another audience was at the pains to 
 recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken, compared the 
 questions he made with the answers I had given, then 
 
9 
 
 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently, 
 delivered himself in these words, which I shall never 
 forget nor the manner he spoke them in : My little 
 friend GrUdrig, you have made a most admirable 
 panegyric upon your country ; you have clearly proved 
 that ignorance, idleness, and vice, may be sometimes 
 the only ingredients for qualifying a legislator ; that 
 laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by 
 those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, 
 confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you 
 some lines of an institution, which in its original might 
 have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the rest 
 wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It doth 
 not appear from all you have said, how any one virtue 
 is required towards the procurement of any one station 
 among you ; much less that men are ennobled on account 
 of their virtue, that priests are advanced for their piety 
 or learning, soldiers for their conduct or valour, judges 
 for their integrity, senators for the love of their country, 
 or counsellors for their wisdom. As for yourself (con- 
 tinued the King) who have spent the greatest part of 
 your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you 
 may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. 
 But by what I have gathered from your own relation, 
 and the answers I haye with much pains wringed and 
 extorted from you.ll cannot but conclude the bulk 
 of your natives to bethe most pernicious race of little 
 odious vermin that ngiure ever suffered to crawl upon 
 the surface of the eartj^ 
 
CHAP. VII 
 
 Tlie Avthor't love of hia country. He makes a proposal of much advan- 
 tage to the King, which is rejected. The King's great ignorance 
 in politics. The learning of that country very imperfect and con- 
 fined. Their laws, and miliiary affairs, and parties in the State. 
 
 Nothing but an extreme love of truth could have 
 hindered me from concealing this part of my story. 
 It was in vain to discover my resentments, which were 
 always turned into ridicule ; and I was forced to rest 
 with patience while my noble and most beloved country 
 was BO injuriously treated. I am heartily sorry as any of 
 my readers can possibly be, that such an occasion was 
 given : but this prince happened to be so curious and 
 inquisitive upon every particular, that it could not 
 consist either with gratitude or good manners to refuse 
 giving him what satisfaction I was able. Yet thus much 
 I may be allowed to say in my own vindication, that 
 I artfully eluded many of his questions, and gave to 
 every point a more favourable turn by many degrees 
 than the strictness of truth would allow. For I have 
 always borne that laudable partiality to my own country, 
 which Dionysius Halicamassensis with so much justice 
 recommends to an historian. I would hide the frailties 
 and deformities of my political mother, and place her 
 virtues and beauties in the most advantageous light. 
 This was my sincere endeavour in those many discourses 
 I had with that mighty monarch, although it unfortun- 
 ately failed of success. 
 
 But great allowances should be given to a King who 
 lives wholly secluded from the rest of the world, and 
 must therefore be altogether unacquainted with the 
 manners and customs that most prevail in other nations ; 
 
156 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 the want of which knowledge will ever produce many 
 prejudices, and a certain narrowness of thinking, from 
 which we and the politer countries of Europe are wholly 
 exempted. And it would be hard indeed, if so remote 
 a prince's notions of virtue and vice were to be offered aa 
 a standard for aU mankind. 
 
 To confirm what I have now said, and further, to show 
 the miserable effects of a confined education, I shall here 
 insert a passage which will hardly obtain belief. In hopes 
 to ingratiate myself farther into his Majesty's favour, 
 I told him of an invention discovered between three and 
 four hundred years ago, to make a certain powder, into 
 an heap of which the smallest spark of fire falling, would 
 kindle the whole in a moment, although it were as big as 
 a mountain, and make it all fly up in the air together, 
 with a noise and agitation greater than thunder. That 
 a proper quantity of this powder rammed into an hollow 
 tube of brass or iron, according to its bigness, would 
 drive a ball of iron or lead with such violence and speed, 
 as nothing was able to sustain its force. That the largest 
 balls thus discharged, would not only destroy whole 
 ranks of an army at once, but batter the strongest walls 
 to the ground, sink down ships, with a thousand men 
 in each, to the bottom of the sea ; and, when linked 
 together by a chain, would cut through masts and 
 rigging, divide hundreds of bodies in the middle, and 
 lay all waste before them. That we often put this powder 
 into large hollow balls of iron, and discharged them by an 
 engine into some city we were besieging, which would rip 
 up the pavements, tear the houses to pieces, burst and 
 throw splinters on every side, dashing out the brains of 
 all who came near. That I knew the ingredients very 
 weU, which were cheap, and common ; I understood 
 the manner of compounding them, and could direct his 
 workmen how to make those tubes of a size proportionable 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAQ 157 
 
 to all other things in his Majesty's kingdom, and the 
 largest need not be above an hundred foot long ; twenty 
 or thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper quantity 
 of powder and balls, would batter down the waUs of the 
 strongest town iu his dominions in a few hours, or destroy 
 the whole metropolis, if ever it should pretend to dispute 
 his absolute commands. This I humbly offered to his 
 Majesty, as a small tribute of acknowledgment in return 
 of so many marks that I had received of his royal favour 
 and protection. 
 
 The King was struck with horror at the description 
 I had given of those terrible engines, and the proposal 
 I had made. He was amazed how so impotent and 
 grovelling an insect as I (these were his expressions) 
 could entertain such inhuman ideas, and in so familiar 
 a manner as to appear whoUy unmoved at all the scenes 
 of blood and desolation, which I had painted as the 
 common effects of those destructive machines, whereof 
 he said some evil genius, enemy to mankind, must have 
 been the first contriver. As for himself, he protested 
 that although few things delighted him so much as new 
 discoveries in art or in natTire, yet he would rather lose 
 half his kingdom than be privy to such a secret, which 
 he commanded me, as I valued my life, never to mention 
 any more. 
 
 A strange effect of narrow principles and short views 1 
 that a prince possessed of every quality which procures 
 veneration, love, and esteem; of strong parts, great 
 wisdom, and profound learning, endued with admirable 
 talents for government, and almost adored by hia 
 subjects, should from a nice unnecessary scruple, 
 whereof in Europe we can have no conception, let slip 
 an opportunity put into his hands, that would have 
 made him absolute master of the lives, the liberties, 
 and the fortunes of his people; Neither do I say this 
 
158 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 with the least intention to detract from the many virtues 
 of that excellent King, whose character I am sensible 
 will on this account be very much lessened in the opinion 
 of an English reader : but I take this defect among them 
 to have risen from their ignorance, they not having 
 hitherto reduced politics iato a science, as the more acute 
 wits of Europe have done. For I remember very well, 
 in a discourse one day with the Kiug, when I happened 
 to say there were several thousand books among us 
 written upon the art of government, it gave him (directly 
 contrary to my intention) a very mean opinion of our 
 understandings. He professed both to abominate and 
 despise all mystery, refinement, and intrigue, either in 
 a prince or a minister. He could not tell what I meant 
 by secrets of state, where an enemy or some rival nation 
 were not in the case. He confined the knowledge of 
 governing within very narrow bounds ; to common 
 sense and reason, to justice and lenity, to the speedy 
 determination of civU and criminal causes ; with some 
 
 Ser obvious topics, which are not worth considering, 
 i he gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make 
 I ears of corn or two blades of grass to grow upon 
 a spot of ground where only one grew before, would 
 deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service 
 to his country than the whole race of politicians put 
 togethe^ 
 
 The learning of this people is very defective, consisting 
 only in morality, history, poetry, and mathematics, 
 wherein they must be allowed to excel. But the last of 
 these is wholly applied to what may be useful in life, 
 to the improvement of agriculture, and aU mechanical 
 arts ; so that among us it would be little esteemed. And 
 as to ideas, entities, abstractions, and transcendentals, 
 I could never drive the least conception into their heads. 
 No law of that country must exceed in words the 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 159 
 
 number of letters in their alphabet, which consists only 
 in two and twenty. But indeed few of them extend 
 even to that length. They are expressed in the most 
 plain and simple terms, wherein those people are not 
 mercurial enough to discover above one interpretation ; 
 and to write a comment upon any law is a capital crime. 
 As to the decision of civil causes, or proceedings against 
 criminals, their precedents are so few, that they have 
 little reason to boast of any extraordinary skill in either. 
 
 They have had the art of printing, as well as the 
 Chinese, time out of mind. But their libraries are not 
 very large ; for that of the King's, which is reckoned 
 the biggest, doth not amount to above a thousand 
 volumes, placed in a gallery of twelve hundred foot long, 
 from whence I had liberty to borrow what books I pleased. 
 The Queen's joiner had contrived in one of Glumdalclitch's 
 rooms a kind of wooden machine five and twenty foot 
 high, formed like a standiag ladder ; the steps were each 
 fifty foot long. It was indeed a moveable pair of stairs, 
 the lowest end placed at ten foot distance from the wall 
 of the chamber. The book I had a mind to read was 
 put up leaning against the wall. I first mounted to the 
 upper step of the ladder, and turning my face towards 
 the book, began at the top of the page, and so walking 
 to the right and left about eight or ten paces, according 
 to the length of the lines, till I had gotten a little below 
 the level of my eyes, and then descending gradually till 
 I came to the bottom ; after which I mounted again, 
 and began the other page in the same manner, and so 
 turned over the leaf, which I could easily do with both 
 my hande, for it was as thick and stiff as a pasteboard, 
 and in the largest folios not above eighteen or twenty 
 foot long. 
 
 Their style is clear, masculine, and smooth, but not 
 ftorid, for they avoid nothing more than multiplying 
 
160 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 unnecessary words, or using various expressions. I have 
 perused many of their books, especially those in history 
 and morality. Among the rest, I was much diverted with 
 a little old treatise, which always lay in Glumdalclitch's 
 bed-chamber, and belonged to her governess, a grave 
 elderly gentlewoman, who dealt in writings of morality 
 and devotion. The book treats of the weakness of human 
 kind, and is in little esteem, except among the women 
 and the vulgar. However, I was curious to see what an 
 author of that country could say upon such a subject. 
 This writer went through all the usual topics of European 
 moralists, showing how diminutive, contemptible, and 
 helpless an animal was man in his own nature ; how 
 unable to defend himself from the inclemencies of the air, 
 or the fury of wild beasts ; how much he was excelled by 
 one creature in strength, by another in speed, by a third 
 in foresight, by a fourth in industry. He added, that 
 nature was degenerated in these latter declining ages of 
 the world, and could now produce only small abortive 
 births in comparison of those in ancient times. He said, 
 it was very reasonable to think, not only that the species 
 of men were originally much larger, but also, that there 
 must have been giants in former ages, which, as it is 
 asserted by history and tradition, so it hath been 
 confirmed by huge bones and skulls casually dug up in 
 several parts of the kingdom, far exceeding the common 
 dwindled race of man in our days. He argued, that the 
 very laws of nature absolutely required we should have 
 been made in the beginning, of a size more large and 
 robust, not so liable to destruction from every little 
 accident of a tile falling from a house, or a stone cast 
 from the hand of a boy, or of being drowned in a little 
 brook. From this way of reasoning the author drew 
 several moral applications useful in the conduct of life, 
 but needless here to repeat. For my own part, I could 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 161 
 
 not avoid reflecting how universally this talent was spread , 
 of drawing lectures in morality, or indeed rather matter 
 of discontent and repining, from the quarrels we raise 
 with nature. And I believe, upon a strict enquiry, those 
 quarrels might be shown as ill grounded among us as 
 they are among that people. 
 
 As to their military afEairs, they boast that the King's 
 army consists of an hundred and seventy-six thousand 
 foot, and thirty -two thousand horse : if that may be called 
 an army which is made up of tradesmen in the several 
 cities, and farmers in the country, whose commanders 
 are only the nobility and gentry, without pay or reward. 
 They are indeed perfect enough in their exercises, and 
 under very good discipline, wherein I saw no great merit ; 
 for how should it be otherwise, where every farmer is 
 under the command of his own landlord, and every 
 citizen under that of the principal men in his own city, 
 chosen after the manner of Venice by ballot ? 
 
 I have often seen the militia of Lorbrulgrud drawn 
 out to exercise in a great field near the city of twenty 
 miles square. They were in all not above twenty-five 
 thousand foot, and six thousand horse ; but it was 
 impossible for me to compute their number, considering 
 the space of ground they took up. A cavalier mounted 
 on a large steed, might be about an hundred foot high. 
 I have seen this whole body of horse, upon a word of 
 command, draw their swords at once, and brandish 
 them in the air. Imagination can figure nothing so 
 grand, so surprising, and so astonishing. It looked as if 
 ten thousand flashes of lightning were darting at the 
 same time from every quarter of the sky. 
 
 I was curious to know how this prince, to whose 
 dominions there is no access from any other country, 
 came to think of armies, or to teach his people the 
 practice of military discipline. But I was soon informed, 
 
162 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 both by conversation and reading their histories .C_For in 
 the course of many ages they have been troubled with 
 the same disease to which the whole race of mankind is 
 subject; the nobility often contending for power, the 
 people for liberty, and the King for absolute dominion^' 
 All which, however happily tempered by the laws of the 
 kingdom, have been sometimes violated by each of the 
 three parties, and have once or more ^ occasioned civil 
 wars, the last whereof was happily put an end to by this 
 prince's grandfather by a general composition ; and the 
 militia, then settled with common consent, hath been 
 ever since kept in the strictest duty. 
 
 ' Faulknei's and latoi editions read, ' more than once '. 
 
CHAP. VIII 
 
 Tht King and Queen make a progress to the frontiers. The Author 
 attends them. The manner in which he leaves the country very 
 particularly related. He returns to England. 
 
 I HAD always a strong impulse that I should some 
 time recover my liberty, though it was impossible to 
 conjecture by what means, or to form any project with 
 the least hope of succeeding. The ship in which I sailed 
 was the first ever known to be driven within sight of 
 that coast, and the King had given strict orders, that 
 if at any time another appeared, it should be taken 
 ashore, and with aU its crew and passengers brought 
 in a tumbril to Lorbrulgrud. He was strongly bent to 
 get me a woman of my own size, by whom I might 
 propagate the breed : but I think I should rather have 
 died than undergone the disgrace of leaving a posterity 
 to be kept in cages like tame canary birds, and perhaps, 
 in time, sold about the kingdom to persons of quality 
 for curiosities. I was, indeed, treated with much kind- 
 ness ; I was the favourite of a great King and Queen, 
 and the delight of the whole court, but it was upon such 
 a foot as ill became the dignity of human kind. I could 
 never iflrget those domestic pledges I had left behind 
 me. i^wanted to be among people with whom I could 
 converse upon even terms, and walk about the streets 
 and fields without fear of being trod to death like a frog 
 or a young puppy) But my deliverance came sooner 
 than I expected, and in a manner not very common ; 
 the whole story and circumstances of which I shall 
 faithfully relate. 
 
 I had now been two years in this country ; and about 
 
164 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 the beginning of the third, Glumdalclitch and I attended 
 the King and Queen in a progress to the south coast 
 of the kingdom. I was carried, as usual, in my travel- 
 ling-box, which, as I have already described, was a very 
 convenient closet of twelve foot wide. And I had 
 ordered a hammock to be fixed by silken ropes from the 
 four comers at the top, to break the jolts, when a servant 
 carried me before him on horseback, as I sometimes 
 desired, and would often sleep in my hammock while 
 we were upon the road. On the roof of my closet, just 
 over the middle of the hammock, I ordered the joiner 
 to cut out a hole of a foot square, to give me air in hot 
 weather as I slept, which hole I shut at pleasure with 
 a board that drew backwards and forwards through 
 a groove. 
 
 When we came to our journey's end, the King thought 
 proper to pass a few days at a palace he hath near Flan- 
 flasnic, a city within eighteen English miles of the sea- 
 side. Glumdalclitch and I were much fatigued ; I had 
 gotten a small cold, but the poor girl was so iU as to be 
 confined to her chamber. I longed to see the ocean, 
 which must be the only scene of my escape, if ever it 
 should happen. I pretended to be worse than I really 
 was, and desired leave to take the fresh air of the sea, 
 with a page whom I was very fond of, and who had 
 sometimes been trusted with me. I shall never forget 
 with what unwillingness Glumdalclitch consented, nor 
 the strict charge she gave the page to be careful of me, 
 bursting at the same time into a flood of tears, as if 
 she had some foreboding of what was to happen. The 
 boy took me out in my box about half an hour's walk 
 from the palace, towards the rocks on the sea-shore. 
 I ordered him to set me down, and lifting up one of 
 my sashes, cast many a wistful melancholy look towards 
 the sea. I found myself not very well, and told the 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 165 
 
 page that I had a mind to take a nap in my hammock, 
 which I hoped would do me good. I got in, and the boy 
 shut the window close down to keep out the cold. I 
 soon fell asleep, and all I can conjecture is, that while 
 I slept, the page, thinking no danger could happen, went 
 among the rocks to look for birds' eggs, having before 
 observed him from my window searching about, and 
 picking up one or two in the clefts. Be that as it will, 
 I found myself suddenly awaked with a violent pull 
 upon the ring which was fastened at the top of my box 
 for the conveniency of carriage. I felt my box raised 
 very high in the air, and then borne forward with pro- 
 digious speed. The first jolt had like to have shaken 
 me out of my hammock, but afterwards the motion 
 was easy enough. I called out several times as loud as 
 I could raise my voice, but all to no purpose. I looked 
 towards my windows, and could see nothing but the 
 clouds and sky. I heard a noise just over my head like 
 the clapping of wings, and then began to perceive the 
 woful condition I was in ; that some eagle had got the 
 ring of my box in his beak, with an intent to let it fall 
 on a rock like a tortoise in a shell, and then pick out my 
 body, and devour it. For the sagacity and smell of this 
 bird enable him to discover his quarry at a great dis- 
 tance, though better concealed than I could be within 
 a two-inch board. 
 
 In a little time I observed the noise and flutter of 
 wings to increase very fast, and my box was tossed up 
 and down, like a sign-post in a windy day. I heard 
 several bangs or buffets, as I thought, given to the eagle 
 (for such I am certain it must have been that held the 
 ring of my box in his beak), and then all on a sudden 
 felt myself falling perpendicularly down for above a 
 minute, but with such incredible swiftness that I almost 
 lost my breath. My fall was stopped by a terrible squash 
 
166 GULLIVER'S TRATBLS 
 
 that sounded louder to my ears than the cataract of 
 Niagara ; after which I was quite in the dark for another 
 minute, and then my box began to rise so high that I 
 could see light from the tops of my windows. I now 
 perceived that I was fallen into the sea. My box, by 
 the weight of my body, the goods that were in, and the 
 broad plates of iron fixed for strength at the four comers 
 of the top and bottom, floated about five foot deep in 
 water. I did then, and do now suppose that the eagle 
 which flew away with my box was pursued by two or 
 three others, and forced to let me drop while he was 
 defending himself against the rest, who hoped to share 
 in the prey. The plates of iron fastened at the bottom 
 of the box (for those were the strongest) preserved the 
 balance while it fell, and hindered it from being broken 
 on the surface of the water. Every joint of it was well 
 grooved, and the door did not move on hinges, but up 
 and down like a sash, which kept my closet so tight 
 that very little water came in. I got with much difficulty 
 out of my hammock, having first ventured to draw back 
 the slip-board on the roof already mentioned, contrived 
 on purpose to let in air, for want of which I found myself 
 almost stifled. 
 
 How often did I then wish myself with my dear Glum- 
 dalclitch, from whom one single hour had so far divided 
 me ! And I may say with truth, that in th6 midst of 
 my own misfortunes I could not forbear lamenting my 
 poor nurse, the grief she would suffer for my loss, the 
 displeasure of the Queen, and the ruin of her fortune. 
 Perhaps many travellers have not been under greater 
 difficulties and distress than I was at this juncture, 
 expecting every moment to see my box dashed in pieces, 
 or at least overset by the first violent blast, or a rising 
 wave. A breach in one single pane of glass would have 
 been immediate death : nor could any thing have pre- 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 187 
 
 served the windows, but the strong lattice wires placed 
 on the outside against accidents in travelling. I saw the 
 water ooze in at several crannies, although the leaks 
 were not considerable, and I endeavoured to stop them 
 as well as I could. I was not able to lift up the roof of 
 my closet, which otherwise I certainly should have 
 done, and sat on the top of it, where I might at least 
 preserve myself some hours longer than by being shut 
 up, as I may call it, in the hold. Or, if I escaped these 
 dangers for a day or two, what could I expect but a 
 miserable death of cold and hunger ! I was four hours 
 under these circumstances, expecting and indeed wishing 
 every moment to be my last. 
 
 I have already told the reader that there were two 
 strong staples fixed upon that side of my box which 
 had no window, and into which the servant who used 
 to carry me on horseback would put a leathern belt, 
 and buckle it about his waist. Being in this disconsolate 
 state, I heard or at least thought I heard some kind of 
 grating noise on that side of my box where the staples 
 were fixed, and soon after I began to fancy that the 
 box was pulled or towed along in the sea ; for I now 
 and then felt a sort of tugging, which made the waves 
 rise near the tops of my windows, leaving me almost 
 in the dark. This gave me some faint hopes of relief, 
 although I was not able to imagine how it could be 
 brought about. I ventured to unscrew one of my 
 chairs, which were always fastened to the floor ; and 
 having made a hard shift to screw it down again directly 
 under the slipping-board that I had lately opened, I 
 mounted on the chair, and putting my mouth as near 
 as I could to the hole, I called for help in a loud voice, 
 and in all the languages I understood. I then fastened 
 my handkerchief to a stick I usually carried, and thrust- 
 ing it up the hole, waved it several times in the air. 
 
168 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 that if any boat or ship were near, the seamen might 
 conjecture some unhappy mortal to be shut up in the 
 box. 
 
 I found no effect from all I could do, but plainly per- 
 ceived my closet to be moved along ; and in the space 
 of an hour, or better, that side of the box where the 
 staples were, and had no window, struck against some- 
 thing that was hard. I apprehended it to be a rock, 
 and found myself tossed more than ever. I plainly 
 heard a noise upon the cover of my closet, like that of 
 a cable, and the grating of it as it passed through the 
 ring. I then found myself hoisted up by degrees at 
 least three foot higher than I was before. Whereupon 
 I again thrust up my stick and handkerchief, calling 
 for help till I was almost hoarse. In return to which, 
 I heard a great shout repeated three times, giving me 
 such transports of joy, as are not to be conceived but 
 by those who feel them. I now heard a trampling over 
 my head, and somebody calling through the hole with 
 a loud voice in the English tongue : If there be any 
 body below, let them speak. I answered, I was an 
 Englishman, drawn by ill fortune into the greatest 
 calamity that ever any creature underwent, and begged, 
 by all that is moving, to be delivered out of the dungeon 
 I was in. The voice replied, I was safe, for my box was 
 fastened to their ship ; and the carpenter should imme- 
 diately come and s^w an hole in the cover, large enough 
 to pull me out. ^^answered, that was needless, and 
 would take up too much time, for there was no more 
 to be done, but let one of the crew put his finger into the 
 riag, and take the box out of the sea into the ship, and 
 BO into the captain's cabia. Some of them upon hearing 
 me talk so wildly thought I was mad ; others laughed ; 
 for indeed it never came into my head that I was now 
 got among people of my own stature and strengtJiL 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 169 
 
 The carpentei came, and in a few minutes sawed a pas- 
 sage about four foot square, then let down a small 
 ladder, upon which I mounted, and from thence was 
 taken into the ship in a very weak condition. 
 
 The sailors were all in amazement, and asked me a 
 thousand^ questions, which I had no inclination to 
 answer. \l was equally confounded at the sight of so 
 many pigmies, for such I took them to be, after having 
 so long ^customed my eyes to the monstrous objects 
 I had left. But the Captain, Mr. Thomas Wilcocks, 
 an honeCT worthy Shropshire man, observing I was 
 ready to faint, took me into his cabin, gave me a cordial 
 to comfort me, and made me turn in upon his own bed, 
 advising me to take a little rest, of which I had great 
 need. Before I went to sleep I gave him to understand 
 that I had some valuable furniture in my box, too good 
 to be lost, a fine hammock, an handsome field-bed, 
 two chairs, a table, and a cabinet ; that my closet was 
 hung on all sides, or rather quilted, with sUk and cotton ; 
 that if he would let one of the crew bring my closet into 
 his cabin, I would open it there before him, and show 
 him my goods. The Captain hearing me utter these 
 absurdities, concluded I was raving : however, (I sup- 
 pose to pacify me) he promised to give order as I desired, 
 and going upon deck sent some of his men down into 
 my closet, from whence (as I afterwards found) they 
 drew up all my goods, and stripped off the quilting ; 
 but the chairs, cabinet, and bedstead, being screwed 
 to the floor, were much damaged by the ignorance of 
 the seamen, who tore them up by force. Then they 
 knocked off some of the boards for the use of the ship, 
 and when they had got all they had a mind for, let the 
 hull drop into the sea, which by reason of many breaches 
 made in the bottom and sides, sunk to rights. And 
 indeed I was glad not to have been a spectator of the 
 
170 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 havoc they made ; because I am confident it would 
 have sensibly touched me, by bringing former passages 
 into my mind, which I had rather forget. 
 
 I slept some hours, but perpetually disturbed with 
 dreams of the place I had left, and the dangers I had 
 escaped. However, upon waking I found myself much 
 recovered. It was now about eight o'clock at night, 
 and the Captain ordered supper immediately, thinking 
 I had already fasted too long. He entertained me vrith 
 great kindness, observing me not to look wildly, or talk 
 inconsistently : and when we were left alone, desired 
 I would give him a relation of my travels, and by what 
 accident I came to be set adrift in that monstrous 
 wooden chest. He said, that about twelve o'clock at 
 noon, as he was looking through his glass, he spied it 
 at a distance, and thought it was a sail, which he had 
 a mind to make, being not much out of his course, in 
 hopes of buying some biscuit, his own beginning to fall 
 short. That upon coming nearer, and finding his error, 
 he sent out his long-boat to discover what I was ; that 
 his men came back in a fright, swearing they had seen 
 a swimming house. That he laughed at their foUy, 
 and went himself in the boat, ordering his men to take 
 a strong cable along with them. That the weather 
 being calm, he rowed round me several times, observed 
 my windows, and the wire lattices that defended them. 
 That he discovered two staples upon one side, which 
 was all of boards, without any passage for light. He 
 then commanded his men to row up to that side, and 
 fastening a cable to one of the staples, ordered them to 
 tow my chest (as he called it) towards the ship. When 
 it was there, he gave directions to fasten another cable 
 to the ring fixed in the cover, and to raise up my chest 
 with pulleys, which aU the sailors were not able to dc 
 above two or three foot. He said they saw my stick 
 
A VOYAGE TO BEOBDINGNAG 171 
 
 and handkerchief thrust out of the hole, and concluded 
 that some unhappy men must be shut up in the cavity. 
 I asked whether he or the crew had seen any prodigious 
 birds in the air about the time he first discovered me. 
 [To which he answered, that discoursing this matter 
 with the sailors while I was asleep, one of them said he 
 had observed three eagles flying towards the north, but 
 remarked nothing of their being larger than the usual 
 Biz« which I suppose must be imputed to the great height 
 they were at ; and he could not guess the reason of my 
 question. I then asked the Captain how far he reckoned 
 we might be from land ; he said, by the best computa- 
 tion he could make, we were at least an hundred leagues. 
 I assured him, that he must be mistaken by almost half, 
 for I had not left the country from whence I came above 
 two hours before I dropt into the sea. Whereupon he 
 began again to think that my brain was disturbed, of 
 which he gave me a hint, and advised me to go to bed 
 in a cabin he had provided. I assured him I was well 
 refreshed with his good entertainment and company, 
 and as much in my senses as ever I was in my life. He 
 then grew serious, and desired to ask me freely whether 
 I were not troubled in mind by the consciousness of 
 some enormous crime, for which I was punished at the 
 command of some prince, by exposing me in that chest, 
 as great criminals in other coimtries have been forced 
 to sea in a leaky vessel without provisions ; for although 
 he should be sorry to have taken so Ul a man into his 
 ship, yet he would engage his word to set me safe on 
 shore in the first port where we arrived. He added, 
 that his suspicions were much increased by some very 
 absurd speeches I had delivered at first to the sailors, 
 and afterwards to himself, in relation to my closet or 
 chest, as well as by my odd looks and behaviour while 
 I was at supper. 
 
172 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I begged his patience to hear me tell my story, which 
 I faithfully did from the last time I left England to the 
 moment he first discovered me. And as truth always 
 forceth its way into rational minds, so this honest 
 worthy gentleman, who had some tincture of learning, 
 and very good sense, was immediately convinced of my 
 candour and veracity. But further to confirm all I had 
 said, I entreated him to give order that my cabinet 
 should be brought, of which I had the key in my pocket 
 (for he had already informed me how the seamen dis- 
 posed of my closet), I opened it in his presence and 
 showed him the small collection of rarities I made in 
 the country from whence I had been so strangely 
 delivered. There was the comb I had contrived out 
 of the stumps of the King's beard, and another of the 
 same materials, but fixed into a paring of her Majesty's 
 thumb-nail, which served for the back. There was 
 a collection of needles and pins from a foot to half a yard 
 long ; four wasp-stings, like joiners' tacks ; some comb- 
 ings of the Queen's hair ; a gold ring which one day she 
 made me a present of in a most obliging manner, taking 
 it from her little finger, and throwing it over my head 
 like a collar. I desired the Captain would please to 
 accept this ring in return of his civilities, which he 
 absolutely refused. I showed him a com that I had 
 out o£E with my own hand, from a maid of honour's toe ; 
 it was about the bigness of a Kentish pippin, and grown 
 so hard that when I returned to England, I got it hol- 
 lowed into a cup, and set in silver. Lastly, I desired 
 him to see the breeches I had then on, which were made 
 of a mouse's skin. 
 
 I could force nothing on him but a footman's tooth, 
 which I observed him to examine with great curiosity, 
 and found he had a fancy for it He received it with 
 abundaikse of thanks, more than such a trifle could 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 173 
 
 dcBerve. It was drawn by an unskilful surgeon, in a 
 mistake, from one of Glumdalclitch's men, who was 
 afflicted with the tooth-ache, but it was as sound as 
 any in his head. I got it cleaned, and put it into my 
 cabinet. It was about a foot long, and four inches in 
 diameter. 
 
 The Captain was very well satisfied with this plain 
 relation I had given him, and said^e hoped when we 
 returned to England I would oblige the world by putting 
 it in paper and making it public. My answer was that 
 I thought we were already overstocked with books of 
 travels! that nothing could now pass which was not 
 extraerainary ; wherein I doubted some authors less 
 consulted truth than their own vanity, or interest, or 
 the diversion of ignorant readers. That my story could 
 contain little besides common events, without those 
 ornamental descriptions of strange plants, trees, birds, 
 and other animals, or of the barbarous customs and 
 idolatry of savage people, with which most writers 
 abound. However, I thanked him for his good opinion, 
 and promised to take the matter into my thoughts. 
 
 He said he wondered at one thing very much, which 
 was, to hear me speak so loud, asking me whether the 
 King or Queen of that country were thick of hearing. 
 I told him it was what I had been used to for above two 
 years past, and that I admired as much at the voices 
 of him and his men, who seemed to me only to whisper, 
 and yet I could hear them well enough. But when I 
 spoke in that country, it was like a man talking in the 
 street to another looking out from the top of a steeple, 
 unless when I was placed on a table, or held in any 
 person's hand. I told him, I had likewise observed 
 another thing, that when I first got into the ship, and 
 the sailors stood all about me, I thought they were the 
 most little contemptible creatures I had ever beheld. 
 
174 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 For indeed while I was in that prince's country, I could 
 never endure to look in a glass after my eyes heid been 
 accustomed to such prodigious objects, because the 
 comparison gave me so despicable a conceit of myself. 
 The Captain said that while we were at supper he ob- 
 served me to look at every thing with a sort of wonder, 
 and that I often seemed hardly able to contain my 
 laughter, which he knew not well how to take, but 
 imputed it to some disorder in my braia. I answered, 
 it was very true ; and I wondered how I could forbear, 
 when I saw his dishes of the size of a silver three-pence, 
 a leg of pork hardly a mouthful, a cup not so big as 
 a nut-shell ; and so I went on, describing the rest of his 
 household-stufl and provisions after the same manner. 
 For, although the Queen had ordered a little equipage 
 of all things necessary for me while I was in her service, 
 yet my ideas were wholly taken up with what I saw on 
 every side of me, and I winked at my own littleness as 
 people do at their own faults. The Captain understood 
 my raillery very well, and merrily replied with the old 
 English proverb, that he doubted my eyes were bigger 
 than my belly, for he did not observe my stomach so 
 good, although I had fasted all day ; and continuing 
 ia his mirth, protested he would have gladly given an 
 hundred pounds to have seen my closet in the eagle's 
 bUl, and afterwards in its fall from so great an height 
 into the sea ; which would certaialy have been a most 
 astonishing object, worthy to have the description of 
 it transmitted to future ages : and the comparison of 
 Phaeton was so obvious, that he could not forbear 
 applying it, although I did not much admire the conceit. 
 The Captain having been at Tonquin, was in his 
 return to England driven north-eastward to the latitude 
 of 44 degrees, and of longitude 143. But meeting a 
 trade-wind two days after I came on board him, we 
 
A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG 175 
 
 sailed southward a long time, and coasting New Holland 
 kept our course west-south-west, and then south-south- 
 west till we doubled the Cape of Good Hope. Our 
 voyage was very prosperous, but I shall not trouble 
 the reader with a journal of it. The Captain called in 
 at one or two ports, and sent in his long-boat for pro- 
 visions and fresh water, but I never went out of the ship 
 till we came into the Downs, which was on the third 
 day of June, 1706, about nine months after my escape. 
 I ofEered to leave my goods in security for payment 
 of my freight ; but the Captain protested he would not 
 receive one farthing. We took kind leave of each other, 
 and I made him promise he would come to see me at 
 my house in RedrifE. I hired a horse and guide for 
 five shillings, which I borrowed of the Captain. 
 
 As I was on the road, observing the littleness of the 
 houses, the trees, the cattle, and the people, I began 
 to think myself in Lilliput. I was afraid of trampling 
 on every traveller I met, and often called aloud to have 
 them stand out of the way, so that I had like to have 
 gotten one or two broken heads for my impertinence. 
 
 When I came to my own house, for which I was forced 
 to enquire, one of the servants opening the door, I bent 
 down to go in (like a goose under a gate) for fear of 
 striking my head. My wife ran out to embrace me, but 
 I stooped lower than her knees, thinking she could other- 
 wise never be able to reach my mouth. My daughter 
 kneeled to ask my blessing, but I could not see her till 
 she arose, having been so long used to stand with my 
 head and eyes erect to above sixty foot ; and then I 
 went to take her up with one hand, by the waist. I 
 looked down upon the servants and one or two friends 
 who were in the house, as if they had been pigmies, and 
 I a giant. I told my wife, she had been too thrifty, for 
 I found she had starved herself and her daughter to 
 
176 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 nothing. In short, I behaved myself so unaccountably, 
 that they were all of the Captain's opinion when he first 
 saw me, and concluded I had lost my wits. This I men- 
 tion as an instance of the great power of habit and 
 prejudice. 
 
 In a little time 1 and my family and friends came to 
 a right understanding : but my wife protested I should 
 never go to sea any more ; although my evil destiny 
 so ordered that she had not power to hinder me, as the 
 reader may know hereafter. In the mean time I here 
 conclude the second part of my unfortunate voyages. 
 
 The End of the Second Part. 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote Nations 
 
 OF THE 
 
 WORLD. 
 
 ByCapfaml^'ENLUBi.Gui.i.iyER. 
 
 PART III. 
 
 A Voyage to Laputa, Balnibarbi, 
 Glubbdubdrib, Luggnagg and 
 Japan. 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 A Voyage to the Houyhnhnms. 
 
 Vol. II. 
 
 The Second Edition, Corrected. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for Benjamin Motte, at the Middle- 
 Temple-Gate. MDCCXXVII. 
 
PkteIILPart.JILP«^.I 
 
 Parts Unkno-wn 
 
 '^"""^^ « G^ 
 
 GCtU/^uJ/Jn^ 
 
 JLapu/a. 
 
 CUvn^ft'uo 
 
 !^^ 
 
PART III 
 
 A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, BALNIBARBI, 
 GLUBBDUBDRIB, LUGGNAGG. AND JAPAN 
 
 CHAP. I 
 
 The Avilior sets out on his third voyage, is talcen by pirates. The 
 malice of a Dutchraan. His arrival at an island. He is received 
 into LapiUa. 
 
 I HAD not been at home above ten days, when Captain 
 William Robinson, a Cornish man. Commander of the 
 Hope-well, a stout ship of three hundred tons, came to 
 my house. I had formerly been surgeon of another 
 ship where he was master, and a fourth part owner, in 
 a voyage to the Levant ; he had always treated me more 
 like a brother than an inferior officer, and hearing of my 
 arrival made me a visit, as I apprehended only out of 
 friendship, for nothing passed more than what is usual 
 after long absences. But repeating his visits often, 
 expressing his joy to find me in good health, asking 
 whether I were now settled for life, adding that he 
 intended a voyage to the East Indies in two months; 
 at last he plainly invited me, though with some apologies, 
 to be surgeon of the ship ; that I should have another 
 surgeon under me besides our two mates; that my 
 salary should be double to the usual pay ; and that 
 having experienced my knowledge in sea-afEairs to be 
 at least equal to his, he would enter into any engagement 
 to foUow my advice, as much as if I had share in the 
 command. 
 
 He said so many other obliging things, and I knew 
 
180 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 him to be so honest a man, that I could not reject his 
 proposal ; the thirst I had of seeing the world, notwith- 
 standing my past misfortunes, continuing as violent as 
 ever. The only difficulty that remained, was to persuade 
 my wife, whose consent however I at last obtained 
 by the prospect of advantage she proposed to her 
 chUdren. 
 
 We set out the 5th of August, 1706, and arrived at 
 Fort St. George the 11th of April, 1707. We stayed there 
 three weeks to refresh our crew, many of whom were sick. 
 From thence we went to Tonquin, where the Captain 
 resolved to contiaue some time, because many of the 
 goods he intended to buy were not ready, nor could he 
 expect to be dispatched in some months. Therefore in 
 hopes to defray some of the charges he must be at, he 
 bought a sloop, loaded it with several sorts of goods, 
 wherewith the Tonquinese usually trade to the neigh- 
 bouring islands, and putting fourteen men on board, 
 whereof three were of the country, he appointed me 
 master of the sloop, and gave me power to traffic for two 
 months, while he transacted his affairs at Tonquin. 
 
 We had not sailed above three days, when a great 
 storm arising, we were driven five days to the north- 
 north-east, and then to the east ; after which we had 
 fair weather, but stiU with a pretty strong gale from 
 the west. Upon the tenth day we were chased by two 
 pirates, who soon overtook us ; for my sloop was so 
 deep loaden, that she sailed very slow, neither were we 
 in a condition to defend ourselves. 
 
 We were boarded about the same time by both the 
 pirates, who entered furiously at the heeid of their men, 
 but finding us all prostrate upon our faces (for so I gave 
 order) they pinioned us with strong ropes, and setting 
 a guard upon us, went to search the sloop. 
 
 I observed among them a Dutchman, who seemed to 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 181 
 
 be of some authority, though he was not commander of 
 either ship. He knew us by our countenances to be 
 Englishmen, and jabbering to us in his own language, 
 swore we should be tied back to back, and thrown into 
 the sea. I spoke Dutch tolerably well ; I told him who 
 we were, and begged him in consideration of our being 
 Christians and Protestants, of neighbouring countries, 
 in strict alliance, that he would move the Captains to 
 take some pity on us. This inflamed his rage ; he 
 repeated his threatenings, and turning to his companions, 
 spoke with great vehemence, in the Japanese language, 
 as I suppose, often using the word Christianoa. 
 
 The largest of the two pirate ships was commanded 
 by a Japanese Captain, who spoke a little Dutch, but 
 very imperfectly. He came up to me, and after several 
 questions, which I answered in great humility, he said 
 we should not die. I made the Captain a very low bow, 
 and then turning to the Dutchman, said, I was sorry to 
 find more mercy in a heathen, than in a brother Christian. 
 But I had soon reason to repent those foolish words ; for 
 that malicious reprobate, having often endeavoured in 
 vain to persuade both the Captains that I might be 
 thrown into the sea (which they would not yield to after 
 the promise made me, that I should not die), however 
 prevailed so far as to have a punishment inflicted on me, 
 worse in all human appearance than death itself. My 
 men were sent by an equal division into both the pirate 
 ships, and my sloop new manned. As to myself, it was 
 determined that I should be set adrift in a small canoe, 
 with paddles and a sail, and four days' provisions, which 
 last the Japanese Captain was so kind to double out of 
 his own stores, and would permit no man to search me. 
 I got down into the canoe, while the Dutchman standing 
 upon the deck, loaded me with all the curses and injurious 
 terms his language could afford. 
 
182 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 About an hour before we saw the pirates, I had taken 
 an observation, and found we were in the latitude of 
 46 N. and of longitude 183. When I was at some distance 
 from the pirates, I discovered by my pocket-glass several 
 islands to the south-east. I set up my sail, the wind 
 being fair, with a design to reach the nearest of those 
 islands, which I made a shift to do in about three hours. 
 It was all rocky ; however I got many birds' eggs, and 
 striking fire, I kindled some heath and dry sea-weed, by 
 which I roasted my eggs. I ate no other supper, being 
 resolved to spare my provisions as much as I could. 
 I passed the night under the shelter of a rock, strowing 
 some heath under me, and slept pretty weU. 
 
 The next day I sailed to another island, and thence to 
 a third and foiu:th, sometimes using my sail, and some- 
 times my paddles. But not to trouble the reader with 
 a particular account of my distresses, let it suffice that 
 on the fifth day I arrived at the last island in my sight, 
 which lay south-south-east to the former. 
 
 This island was at a greater distance than I expected, 
 and I did not reach it in less than five hours. I encom- 
 passed it almost round before I could find a convenient 
 place to land in, which was a small creek about three 
 times the wideness of my canoe. I found the island to 
 be all rocky, only a little intermingled with tufts of grass 
 and sweet smelling herbs. I took out my small provisions, 
 and after having refreshed myself, I secured the remainder 
 in a cave, whereof there were great numbers. I gathered 
 plenty of eggs upon the rocks, and got a quantity of dry 
 sea-weed and parched grass, which I designed to kindle 
 the next day, and roast my eggs as well as I could. (For 
 I had about me my flint, steel, match, and burning-glass). 
 I lay all night in the cave where I had lodged my 
 provisions. My bed was the same dry grass and sea- weed 
 which I intended for fuel. I slept very little, for the 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 183 
 
 disquiets of my mind prevailed over my weariness, and 
 kept me awake. I considered how impossible it was to 
 preserve my life in so desolate a place, and how miserable 
 my end must be. Yet I found myself so listless and 
 desponding that I had not the heart to rise, and before 
 I could get spirits enough to creep out of my cave the 
 day was far advanced. I walked a while among the 
 rocks ; the sky was perfectly clear, and the sun so hot 
 that I was forced to turn my face from it : when all on 
 a sudden it became obscured, as I thought, in a manner 
 very different from what happens by the interposition 
 of a cloud. I turned back, and perceived a vast opaque 
 body between me and the sun, moving forwards towards 
 the island ; it seemed to be about two miles high, and 
 hid the sun six or seven minutes, but I did not observe 
 the air to be much colder, or the sky more darkened, than 
 if I had stood under the shade of a mountain. As it 
 approached nearer over the place where I was, it appeared 
 to be a firm substance, the bottom flat, smooth, and 
 shining very bright from the reflection of the sea below. 
 I stood upon a height about two hundred yards from the 
 shore, and saw this vast body descending almost to 
 a parallel with me, at less than an English mile distance. 
 I took out my pocket-perspective, and could plainly 
 discover numbers of people moving up and down the 
 sides of it, which appeared to be sloping, but what 
 those people were doing, I was not able to dis- 
 tinguish. 
 
 The natural love of life gave me some inward motions 
 of joy, and I was ready to entertain a hope that this 
 adventure might some way or other help to deliver me 
 from the desolate place and condition I was in. But at 
 the same time the reader can hardly conceive my astonish- 
 ment, to behold an island in the air, iohabited by men, 
 who were able (as it should seem) to raise or sink, or put 
 
184 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 it into a progressive motion, as they pleased. But not 
 being at that time in a disposition to philosophise upon 
 this phenomenon, I rather chose to observe what course 
 the island would take, because it seemed for a while to 
 stand still. Yet soon after it advanced nearer, and 
 I could see the sides of it, encompassed with several 
 gradations of galleries, and stairs at certain intervals, 
 to descend from one to the other. Li the lowest gallery 
 I beheld some people fishing with long angling rods, and 
 others looking on. I waved my cap (for my hat was 
 long since worn out) and my handkerchief towards the 
 island ; and upon its nearer approach, I called and 
 shouted with the utmost strength of my voice ; and 
 then looking circumspectly, I beheld a crowd gather to 
 that side which was most in my view. I found by their 
 pointing towards me and to each other, that they plainly 
 discovered me, although they made no return to my 
 shouting. But I could see four or five men running in 
 great haste up the stairs to the top of the island, who 
 then disappeared. I happened rightly to conjecture, 
 that these were sent for orders to some person in authority 
 upon this occasion. 
 
 The number of people increased, and in less than haU 
 an hour the island was moved and raised in such a manner, 
 that the lowest gallery appeared in a parallel of less than 
 an hundred yards distance from the height where I stood. 
 T then put myseH into the most supplicating postures, and 
 spoke in the humblest accent, but received no answer. 
 Those who stood nearest over against me seemed to be 
 persons of distinction, as I supposed by their habit. 
 They conferred earnestly with each other, looking often 
 upon me. At length one of them called out in a clear, 
 polite, smooth dialect, not unlike in sound to the Italian ; 
 and therefore I returned an answer in that language, 
 hoping at least that the cadence might be more agreeable 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 186 
 
 to his ears. Although neither of us understood the other, 
 yet my meaning was easily known, for the people saw the 
 distress I was in. 
 
 They made signs for me to come down from the rock, 
 and go towards the shore, which I accordingly did ; and 
 the flying island being raised to a convenient height, the 
 verge directly over me, a chain was let down from the 
 lowest gallery, with a seat fastened to the bottom, to 
 which I fixed myself, and was drawn up by pulleys. 
 
CHAP. II 
 
 The humours and dispositions of the Laputians described. An cuxourU 
 of their learning. Of the King and his Court. The Authoi't 
 reception there. The inhabitants subject to fear and disquietudes. 
 An account of the women. 
 
 At my alighting I was Burrounded by a crowd of 
 people, but those who stood nearest seemed to be of 
 better quality. They beheld me with all the marks 
 and circumstances of wonder ; neither indeed was I 
 much in their debt, having never tUl then seen a race 
 of mortals so siagular in their shapes, habits, and 
 countenances. Their heads were aU reclined either to 
 the right or the left ; one of their eyes turned iaward, 
 and the other directly up to the zenith. Their outward 
 garments were adorned with the figures of suns, moons, 
 and stars, interwoven with those of fiddles, flutes, harps, 
 trumpets, guitars, harpsichords, and many other instru- 
 ments of music, unknown to us in Europe. I observed 
 here and there many in the habit of servants, with 
 a blown bladder fastened like a flail to the end of a short 
 stick, which they carried ia their hands. In each bladder 
 was a small quantity of dried pease, or little pebbles (as 
 I was afterwards informed). With these bladders they 
 now and then flapped the mouths and ears of those who 
 stood near them, of which practice I could not then 
 conceive the meaning ; it seems the minds of these 
 people are so taken up with intense speculations, that 
 they neither can speak, nor attend to the discourses 
 of others, without being roused by some external taction 
 upon the organs of speech and hearing ; for which 
 reason those persons who are able to afford it always 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 187 
 
 keep a flapper (the original is dimenok) in their family, 
 as one of their domestics, nor ever walk abroad or make 
 visits without him. And the business of this officer is, 
 when two or more ^ persons are in company, gently to 
 strike with his bladder the mouth of him who is to 
 speak, and the right ear of him or them to whom the 
 speaker addresseth himseK. This flapper is likewise 
 employed diligently to attend his master in his walks, 
 and upon occasion to give him a soft flap on his eyes, 
 because he is always so wrapped up in cogitation, that 
 he is in manifest danger of falling down every precipice, 
 and bouncing his head against every post, and in the 
 streets, of justling others, or being justled himself into 
 the kennel. 
 
 It was necessary to give the reader this information, 
 without which he would be at the same loss with me, 
 to understand the proceedings of these people, as they 
 conducted me up the stairs, to the top of the island, 
 and from thence to the royal palace. While we were 
 ascending, they forgot several times what they were 
 about, and left me to myself, till their memories were 
 again roused by their flappers ; for they appeared 
 altogether unmoved by the sight of my foreign habit 
 and countenance, and by the shouts of the vulgar, 
 whose thoughts and minds were more disengaged. 
 
 At last we entered the palace, and proceeded into the 
 chamber of presence, where I saw the King seated on 
 his throne, attended on each side by persons of prime 
 quality. Before the throne was a large table filled with 
 globes and spheres, and mathematical instruments of 
 aU kind?- His Majesty took not the least notice of us, 
 although our entrance was not without sirfficient noise, 
 by the concourse of all persons belonging to the court. 
 But he was then deep in a problem, and we attended at 
 • more Faidhner : three moie 1726. 1727. 
 
188 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 least an hour, before he could solve it. There stood 
 by him on each side a young page, with flaps in their 
 hands, and when they saw he was at leisure, one of them 
 gently struck his mouth, and the other his right ear ; 
 at which he started like one awaked on the sudden, and 
 looking towards me and the company I was in, recol- 
 lected the occasion of our coming, whereof he had been 
 informed before. He spoke some words, whereupon 
 immediately a young man with a flap came up to my 
 side, and flapped me gently on the right ear ; but I 
 made signs, as well as I could, that I had no occasion 
 for such an instrument ; which, as I afterwards found, 
 gave his Majesty and the whole court a very mean 
 opinion of my understanding. The King, as far as I 
 could conjecture, asked me several questions, and I 
 addressed myself to him in all the languages I had. 
 When it was found that I could neither understand nor 
 be understood, I was conducted by the King's order to 
 an apartment in his palace (this prince being distin- 
 guished above all his predecessors for his hospitality 
 to strangers), where two servants were appointed to 
 attend me. My dinner was brought, and four persons 
 of quality, whom I remembered to have seen very near 
 the King's person, did me the honour to dine with me. 
 We had two courses of three dishes each. In the first 
 course there was a shoulder of mutton, cut into an 
 equilateral triangle, a piece of beef into a rhomboides, 
 and a pudding into a cycloid. The second course wa"! 
 two ducks, trussed up into the form of fiddles ; sausages 
 and puddings resembling flutes and hautboys, and a 
 breast of veal in the shape of a harp. The servants cut 
 our bread into cones, cylinders, parallelograms, and 
 several other mathematical figures. 
 
 While we were at dinner, I made bold to ask the names 
 of several things in their language ; and those noble 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPDTA, ETC. 189 
 
 persons, by the assistance of their flappers, delighted 
 to give me answers, hoping to raise my admiration of 
 their great abilities, if I could be brought to converse 
 with them. I was soon able to call for bread and driak, 
 or whatever else I wanted. 
 
 After dumer my company withdrew, and a person 
 was sent to me by the King's order, attended by a 
 flapper. He brought with him pen, ink, and paper, 
 and three or four books, giving me to understand by 
 signs, that he was sent to teach me the language. We 
 sat together four hours, in which time I wrote down 
 a great number of words in columns, with the transla- 
 tions over against them. I likewise made a shift to 
 leam several short sentences. For my tutor would 
 order one of my servants to fetch something, to turn 
 about, to make a bow, to sit, or stand, or walk, and the 
 like. Then I took down the sentence in writing. He 
 showed me also in one of his books the figures of the 
 sun, moon, and stars, the zodiac, the tropics, and polar 
 circles, together with the denominations of many figures 
 of planes and solids. He gave me the names and 
 descriptions of all the musical instruments, and the 
 general terms of art in playing on each of them. After 
 he had left me, I placed all my words with their inter- 
 pretations in alphabetical order. And thus in a few 
 days, by the help of a very faithful memory, I got some 
 iasight into their language. 
 
 The word, which I interpret the Flying or Floating 
 Island, is in the original Laputa, whereof I could never 
 leam the true etymology. Lap in the old obsolete 
 language signifieth high, and untuh, a governor, from 
 which they say by corruption was derived Laputa, from 
 Lapuntuh. But I do not approve of this derivation, 
 which seems to be a little strained. I ventured to offer 
 to the learned among them a conjecture of my own.. 
 
190 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 that Laputa was quasi lap outed ; lap signifying properly 
 the dancing of the sunbeams in the sea, and outed, 
 a wing, which however I shall not obtrude, but submit 
 to the judicious reader. 
 
 Those to whom the King had entrusted me, observing 
 how ill I was clad, ordered a tailor to come next morn- 
 ing, and take my measure for a suit of clothes. This 
 operator did his of&ce after a different manner from those 
 of his trade in Europe. He first took my altitude by 
 a quadrant, and then with a rule and compasses de- 
 scribed the dimensions and outlines of my whole body, 
 all which he entered upon paper, and in six days 
 brought my clothes very ill made, and quite out of shape, 
 by happening to mistake a figure in the calculation. 
 But my comfort was, that I observed such accidents very 
 frequent, and little regarded. 
 
 During my confinement for want of clothes, and by 
 an indisposition that held me some days longer, I much 
 enlarged my dictionary ; and when I went next to court, 
 was able to understand many things the King spoke, 
 and to return him some kind of answers. His Majesty 
 had given orders that the island should move north- 
 east and by east, to the vertical point over Lagado, the 
 metropolis of the whole kingdom below upon the firm 
 earth. It was about ninety leagues distant, and our 
 voyage lasted four days and an halt. I was not in the 
 least sensible of the progressive motion made in the air 
 by the island. On the second morning about eleven 
 o'clock, the King himself in person, attended by his 
 nobility, courtiers, and officers, having prepared all 
 their musical instruments, played on them for three 
 hours without intermission, so that I was quite stunned 
 with the noise ; neither could I possibly guess the 
 meaning, till my tutor informed me. He said that the 
 people of their island had their ears adapted to hear 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 191 
 
 the music of the spheres, which always played at certain 
 periods, and the court was now prepared to bear their 
 part in whatever instrument they most excelled. 
 
 In our journey towards Lagado, the capital city, his 
 Majesty ordered that the island should stop over certain 
 towns and villages, from whence he might receive the 
 petitions of his subjects. And to this purpose several 
 packthreads were let down with small weights at the 
 bottom. On these packthreads the people strung their 
 petitions, which mounted up directly like the scraps of 
 paper fastened by school-boys at the end of the string 
 that holds their kite. Sometimes we received wine and 
 victuals from below, which were drawn up by pulleys. 
 
 The knowledge I had in mathematics gave me great 
 assistance in acquiring their phraseology, which depended 
 much upon that science and music ; and in the latter 
 I was not unskilled. Their ideas are perpetually con- 
 versant in lines and figures. If they would, for example, 
 praise the beauty of a woman, or any other animal, they 
 describe it by rhombs, circles, parallelograms, ellipses, 
 and other geometrical terms, or by words of art drawn 
 from music, needless here to repeat. I observed in the 
 King's kitchen all sorts of mathematical and musical 
 instruments, after the figures of which they cut up the 
 joints that were served to his Majesty's table. 
 
 Their houses are very ill built, the walls bevil, without 
 one right angle in any apartment, and this defect ariseth 
 from the contempt they bear to practical geometry, 
 which they despise as vulgar and mechanic, those instruc- 
 tions they give being too refined for the intellectuals 
 of their workmen, which occasions perpetual mistakes. 
 And although they are dexterous enough upon a piece 
 of paper in the management of the rule, the pencil, and 
 the divider, yet in the common actions and behaviour 
 of life, I have not seen a more clumsy, awkward, and 
 
192 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 unhandy people, nor so slow and perplexed in their 
 conceptions upon all other subjects, except those of 
 mathematics and music. They are very bad reasoners, 
 and vehemently given to opposition, unless when they 
 happen to be of the right opinion, which is seldom their 
 case. Imagination, fancy, and invention, they are 
 wholly strangers to, nor have any words in their language 
 by which those ideas can be expressed ; the whole com- 
 pass of their thoughts and mind being shut up within the 
 two forementioned sciences. 
 
 Most of them, and especially those who deal in the 
 astronomical part, have great faith in judicial astrology, 
 although they are ashamed to own it publicly. But 
 what I chiefly admired, and thought altogether unac- 
 countable, was the strong disposition I observed ia them 
 towards news and politics, perpetually enquiring into 
 public affairs, giving their judgments in matters of state, 
 and passionately disputing every inch of a party opinion. 
 I have indeed observed the same disposition among most 
 of the mathematicians I have known in Europe, although- 
 I could never discover the least analogy between the 
 two sciences ; unless those people suppose, that because 
 the smallest circle hath as many degrees as the largest, 
 therefore the regulation and management of the world 
 require no more abilities than the handling and turning 
 of a globe. But I rather take this quality to spring from 
 a very common infirmity of human nature, inclining us 
 to be more curious and conceited in matters where we 
 have least concern, and for which we are least adapted 
 either by study or nature. 
 
 These people are under continual disquietudes, never 
 enjoying a minute's peace of mind ; and their distur- 
 bances proceed from causes which very little afEeot the 
 rest of mortals. Their apprehensions arise from several 
 changes they dread in the celestial bodies. For instance, 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 193 
 
 that the earth, by the continual approaches of the Bun 
 towards it, must in course of time be absorbed or swal- 
 lowed up. That the face of the sun will by degrees be 
 encrusted with its own effluvia, and give no more light 
 to the world. That the earth very narrowly escaped 
 a brush from the tail of the last comet, which would 
 have infallibly reduced it to ashes ; and that the next, 
 which they have calculated for one and thirty years 
 hence, will probably destroy us. For if in its perihelion 
 it should approach within a certain degree of the sun 
 (as by their calculations they have reason to dread) it 
 wiU conceive a degree of heat ten thousand times more 
 intense than that of red-hot glowing iron; and in its 
 absence from the sim, carry a blazing tail ten hundred 
 thousand and fourteen miles long ; through which if 
 the earth should pass at the distance of one hundred 
 thousand miles from the nucleus or main body of the 
 comet, it must in its passage be set on fire, and reduced 
 to ashes. That the sun daily spending its rays without 
 any nutriment to supply them, will at last be wholly 
 consumed and annihilated ; which must be attended 
 with the destruction of this earth, and of aU the planets 
 that receive their light from it. 
 
 They are so perpetually alarmed with the apprehen- 
 sions of these and the like impending dangers, that they 
 can neither sleep quietly in their beds, nor have any 
 relish for the common pleasures or amusements of Ufe. 
 When they meet an acquaintance in the morning, the 
 first question is about the sun's health, how he looked 
 at his setting and rising, and what hopes they have to 
 avoid the stroke of the approaching comet. This con- 
 versation they are apt to run into with the same temper 
 that boys discover, in delighting to hear terrible stories 
 of sprites and hobgoblins, which they greedily listen to, 
 and dare not go to bed for fear. 
 
 8WIFT H 
 
194 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 The women of the island have abundance of vivacity : 
 they contemn their husbands, and are exceedingly fond 
 of strangers, whereof there is always a considerable 
 number from the continent below, attending at court, 
 either upon affairs of the several towns and corporations, 
 or their own particular occasions, but are much despised, 
 because they want the same endowments. Among these 
 the ladies choose their gallants : but the vexation is, 
 that they act with too much ease and security, for the 
 husband is always so rapt in speculation, that the mis- 
 tress and lover may proceed to the greatest familiarities 
 before his face, if he be but provided with paper and 
 implements, and without his flapper at his side. 
 
 The wives and daughters lament their confinement 
 to the island, although I think it the most delicious spot 
 ot ground in the world ; and although they live here in 
 the greatest plenty and magnificence, and are allowed 
 to do whatever they please, they long to see the world, 
 and take the diversions of the metropolis, which they 
 are not allowed to do without a particular licence from 
 the King ; and this is not easy to be obtained, because 
 the people of quality have found by frequent experience 
 how hard it is to persuade their women to return from 
 below. I was told that a great court lady, who had 
 several children, is married to the prime minister, the 
 richest subject in the kingdom, a very graceful person, 
 extremely fond of her, and lives in the finest palace of 
 the island, went down to Lagado, on the pretence of 
 health, there hid herself for several months, till the 
 King sent a warrant to search for her, and she was found 
 in an obscure eating-house all in rags, having pawned 
 her clothes to maintain an old deformed footman, who 
 beat her every day, and in whose company she was 
 taken much against her will. And although her hus- 
 band received her with all possible kindness, and without 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 195 
 
 the least reproach, she soon after contrived to steal down 
 again with all hei jewels, to the same gallant, and hath 
 not been heard of since. 
 
 This may perhaps pass with the reader rather for an 
 European or English story, than for one of a country 
 BO remote. But he may please to consider, that the 
 caprices of womankind are not limited by any climate 
 or nation, and that they are much more uniform than 
 can be easily imagined. 
 
 In about a month's time I had made a tolerable pro- 
 ficiency in their language, and was able to answer most 
 of the King's questions, when I had the honour to attend 
 him. His Majesty discovered not the least curiosity to 
 enquire into the laws, government, history, religion, 
 or manners of the countries where I had been, but con- 
 fined his questions to the state of mathematics, and 
 received the account I gave him with great contempt 
 and indifference, though often roused by his flapper on 
 each side. 
 
CHAP. Ill 
 
 A phenomenon solved by modern philosophy and astronomy. The 
 Laputiarui' great improvement in the latter. The King's method 
 of suppressing insurrections. 
 
 I DESiKED leave of this prince to Bee the curiosities of 
 the island, which he was graciously pleased to grant, and 
 ordered my tutor to attend me. I chiefly wanted to 
 know to what cause in art or in nature it owed its several 
 motions, whereof I wiU now give a philosophical account 
 to the reader. 
 
 The Flying or Floating Island is exactly circular, its 
 diameter 7837 yards, or about four miles and an half, 
 and consequently contains ten thousand acres. It is 
 three hundred yards thick. The bottom or under surface, 
 which appears to those who view it from below, is one 
 even regular plate of adamant, shooting up to the height 
 of about two hundred yards. Above it lie the several 
 minerals in their usual order, and over all is a coat of 
 rich mould, ten or twelve foot deep. The * declivity of 
 the upper surface, from the circumference to the centre, 
 is the natural cause why all the dews and rains which 
 fall upon the island, are conveyed in small rivulets 
 toward the middle, where they are emptied into four 
 large basins, each of about half a mile in circuit, and two 
 hundred yards distant from the centre. From these 
 basins the water is continually exhaled by the sun in 
 the daytime, which effectually prevents their overflowing. 
 Besides, as it is in the power of the monarch to raise the 
 island above the region of clouds and vapours, he can 
 prevent the falling of dews and rains whenever he pleases. 
 
 « The Faulkner : This 1726, 1727. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 197 
 
 For the highest clouds cannot rise above two miles, as 
 naturalists agree, at least they were never known to do 
 so in that country. 
 
 At the centre of the island there is a chasm about fifty 
 yards in diameter, from whence the astronomers descend 
 into a large dome, which is therefore called Flandona 
 Oagnole, or the Astronomer's Cave, situated at the depth 
 of a hundred yards beneath the upper surface of the 
 adamant. In this cave are twenty lamps continually 
 burning, which from the reflection of the adamant cast 
 a strong light into every part. The place is stored with 
 great variety of sextants, quadrants.telescopes, astrolabes, 
 and other astronomical instruments. But the greatest 
 curiosity, upon which the fate of the island depends, is 
 a loadstone of a prodigious size, in shape resembling 
 a weaver's shuttle. It is in length six yards, and in the 
 thickest part at least three yards over. This magnet is 
 sustained by a very strong axle of adamant passing 
 through its middle, upon which it plays, and is poised so 
 exactly that the weakest hand can turn it. It is hooped 
 round with an hollow cylinder of adamant, four foot 
 deep, as many thick, and twelve yards in diameter, 
 placed horizontally, and supported by eight adamantine 
 feet, each six yards high. In the middle of the concave 
 side there is a groove twelve inches deep, in which the 
 extremities of the axle are lodged, and turned round as 
 there is occasion. 
 
 The stone cannot be moved from its place by any force, 
 because the hoop and its feet are one continued piece with 
 that body of adamant which constitutes the bottom of the 
 island. 
 
 By means of this loadstone, the island is made to rise 
 and fall, and move from one place to another. For with 
 respect to that part of the earth over which the monarch 
 presides, the stone is endued at one of its sides with an 
 
198 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 attractive power, and at the other with a repulsive. 
 Upon placing the magnet erect with its attracting end 
 towards the earth, the island descends ; but when the 
 repelling extremity points downwards, the island mounts 
 directly upwards. When the position of the stone is 
 oblique, the motion of the island is so too. For in this 
 magnet the forces always act in lines parallel to its 
 direction. 
 
 By this oblique motion the island is conveyed to 
 difEerent parts of the monarch's dominions. To explain 
 the manner of its progress, let A B represent a line drawn 
 cross the dominions of Balnibarbi, let the line c d represent 
 the loadstone, of which let d be the repelling end, and c 
 the attracting end, the island being over G ; let the stone 
 be placed in the position c d, with its repelling end 
 downwards ; then the island will be driven upwards 
 obliquely towards D. When it is arrived at D, let the 
 stone be turned upon its axle, till its attracting end 
 points towards E, and then the island will be carried 
 obliquely towards E ; where if the stone be again turned 
 upon its axle till it stands in the position E F, with its 
 repelling point downwards, the island will rise obliquely 
 towards F, where by directing the attracting end towards 
 0, the island may be carried to 0, and from O to H,hj 
 turning the stone, so as to make its repelling extremity 
 point directly downwards. And thus by changing the 
 situation of the stone as often as there is occasion, the 
 island is made to rise and fall by turns in an oblique 
 direction, and by those alternate risings and fallings 
 (the obliquity being not considerable) is conveyed from 
 one part of the dominions to the other. 
 
 But it must be observed that this island cannot move 
 beyond the extent of the dominions below, nor can it 
 rise above the height of four mUes. For which the 
 astronomers (who have written large ssrstemfl concerning 
 
Plate DH, Part .BI. 
 
 "aae..z^ - 
 
 "•^ MalonaJa 
 
200 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 the stone) assign the following reason : that the magnetic 
 virtue does not extend beyond the distance of four miles, 
 and that the mineral which acts upon the stone in the 
 bowels of the earth, and in the sea about six leagues 
 distant from the shore, is not diffused through the whole 
 globe, but terminated with the limits of the King's 
 dominions ; and it was easy from the great advantage 
 of such a superior situation, for a prince to bring under 
 his obedience whatever country lay within the attraction 
 of that magnet. 
 
 When the stone is put parallel to the plane of the 
 horizon, the island standeth still ; for in that case the 
 extremities of it being at equal distance from the earth, 
 act with equal force, the one in drawing downwards, the 
 other in pushing upwards, and consequently no motion 
 can ensue. 
 
 This loadstone is under the care of certain astronomers, 
 who from time to time give it such positions as the 
 monarch directs. They spend the greatest part of theii 
 lives in observing the celestial bodies, which they do by 
 the assistance of glasses far excelling ours in goodness. 
 For although their largest telescopes do not exceed three 
 feet, they magnify much more than those of an hundred 
 yards among us, and at the same time show the stars 
 with greater clearness. This advantage hath enabled 
 them to extend their discoveries much further than our 
 astronomers in Europe ; for they have made a catalogue 
 of ten thousand fixed stars, whereas the largest of ours 
 do not contain above one third part of that number. 
 They have likewise discovered two lesser stars, or 
 satellites, which revolve about Mars, whereof the 
 innermost is distant from the centre of the primary 
 planet exactly three of the diameters, and the outermost 
 five ; the former revolves in the space of ten hours, and 
 the latter in twenty one and an half ; so that the squaree 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 201 
 
 of their periodical times are very near in the eame 
 proportion with the cubes of their distance from the 
 centre of Mars, which evidently shows them to be 
 governed by the same law of gravitation, that influences 
 the other heavenly bodies. 
 
 They have observed ninety-three different comets, and 
 settled their periods with great exactness. If this be true, 
 (and they affirm it with great confidence) it is much to be 
 wished that their observations were made public, whereby 
 the theory of comets, which at present is very lame and 
 defective, might be brought to the same perfection with 
 other parts of astronomy. 
 
 The King would be the most absolute prince in the 
 universe, if he could but prevail on a ministry to join 
 with him ; but these having their estates below on the 
 continent, and considering that the office of a favourite 
 hath a very uncertain tenure, would never consent to 
 the enslaving their country. 
 
 If any town should engage in rebellion or mutiny, fall 
 into violent factions, or refuse to pay the usual tribute, 
 the King hath two methods of reducing them to obedience. 
 The first and the mUdest course is by keeping the island 
 hovering over such a town, and the lands about it, 
 whereby he can deprive them of the benefit of the sun 
 and the rain, and consequently afflict the inhabitants 
 with dearth and diseases. And if the crime deserve it, 
 they are at the same time pelted from above with great 
 stones, against which they have no defence but by 
 creeping into cellars or caves, whUe the roofs of their 
 houses are beaten to pieces. But if they still continue 
 obstinate, or offer to raise insurrections, he proceeds to 
 the last remedy, by letting the island drop directly upon 
 their heads, which makes a universal destruction both 
 of houses and men. However, this is an extremity to 
 which the prince is seldom driven, neither indeed is he 
 
202 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 willing to put it in execution, nor dare his ministers advise 
 him to an action, which as it would render them odious 
 to the people, so it would be a great damage to their own 
 estates, which lie all below, for the island is the King's 
 demesne. 
 
 But there is still indeed a more weighty reason, why 
 the kings of this country have been always averse from 
 executing so terrible an action, unless upon the utmost 
 necessity. For if the town intended to be destroyed 
 should have in it any tall rocks, as it generally falls out 
 in the larger cities, a situation probably chosen at first 
 with a view to prevent such a catastrophe ; or if it 
 abound in high spires, or pillars of stone, a sudden fall 
 might endanger the bottom or under surface of the 
 island, which, although it consist, as I have said, of one 
 entire adamant two hundred yards thick, might happen 
 to crack by too great a shock, or burst by approaching 
 too near the fires from the houses below, as the backs 
 both of iron and stone will often do in our chimneys. 
 Of all this the people are well apprised, and understand 
 how far to carry their obstinacy, where their liberty or 
 property is concerned. And the King, when he is highest 
 provoked, and most determined to press a city to rubbish, 
 orders the island to descend with great gentleness, out of 
 a pretence of tenderness to his people, but indeed for fear 
 of breaking the adamantine bottom ; in which case it is 
 the opinion of all their philosophers that the loadstone 
 could no longer hold it up, and the whole mass would fall 
 to the ground. 
 
 About three years before my arrival among them, 
 while the King was in his progress over his dominions, 
 there happened an extraordinary accident which had 
 like to have put a period to the fate of that monarchy, 
 at least as it is now instituted. Lindalino, the second 
 city in the kingdom, was the first his Majesty visited 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 203 
 
 in his progress. Three days after his departure the 
 inhabitants, who had often complained of great oppres- 
 sions, shut the town gates, seized on the governor, and 
 with incredible speed and labour erected four large 
 towers, one at every comer of the city (which is an exact 
 square), equal in height to a strong pointed rock that 
 stands directly in the centre of the city. Upon the top 
 of each tower, as well as upon the rock, they fixed a great 
 loadstone, and in case their design should fail, they had 
 provided a vast quantity of the most combustible fuel, 
 hoping to burst therewith the adamantine bottom of the 
 island, it the loadstone project should miscarry. 
 
 It was eight months before the King had perfect notice 
 that the Lindalinians were in rebellion. He then com- 
 manded that the island should be wafted over the city. 
 The people were unanimous, and had laid in store of 
 provisions, and a great river runs through the middle of 
 the town. The King hovered over them several days to 
 deprive them of the sun and the rain. He ordered many 
 packthreads to be let down, yet not a person offered to 
 send up a petition, but instead thereof very bold demands, 
 the redress of aU their grievances, great immunities, the 
 choice of their own governor, and other the like exorbit- 
 ances. Upon which his Majesty commanded all the 
 inhabitants of the island to cast great stones from the 
 lower gallery into the town ; but the citizens had pro- 
 vided against this mischief by conveying their persons 
 and effects into the four towers, and other strong build- 
 ings, and vaults underground. 
 
 The King being now determined to reduce this proud 
 people, ordered that the island should descend gently 
 within forty yards of the top of the towers and rock. 
 This was accordingly done ; but the officers employed 
 in that work found the descent much speedier than 
 usual, and by turning the loadstone could not without 
 
204 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 great difficulty keep it in a firm position, but found the 
 island inclining to fall. They sent the King immediate 
 intelligence of this astonishing event, and begged his 
 Majesty's permission to raise the island higher ; the 
 King consented, a general council was called, and the 
 officers of the loadstone ordered to attend. One of the 
 oldest and expertest among them obtained leave to try 
 an erperiment. He took a strong line of an hundred 
 yards, and the island being raised over the town above 
 the attracting power they had felt, he fastened a piece of 
 adamant to the end of his line, which had in it a mixture 
 of iron mineral, of the same nature with that whereof the 
 bottom or lower surface of the island is composed, and 
 from the lower gallery let it down slowly towards the 
 top of the towers. The adamant was not descended 
 four yards, before the officer felt it drawn so strongly 
 downwards that he coidd hardly pull it back. He then 
 threw down several small pieces of adamant, and 
 observed that they were all violently attracted by the 
 top of the tower. The same experiment was made on 
 the other three towers, and on the rock with the same 
 effect. 
 
 This incident broke entirely the King's measures, and 
 (to dwell no longer on other circumstances) he was forced 
 to give the town their own conditions. 
 
 I was assured by a great minister that if the island had 
 descended so near the town as not to be able to raise itself, 
 the citizens were determined to fix it for ever, to kiU the 
 King and all his servants, and entirely change the 
 government. 
 
 By a fundamental law of this realm, neither the king, 
 nor either of his two elder sons, are permitted to leave the 
 island ; nor the queen, till she is past child-bearing. 
 
CHAP. IV 
 
 IFhe Aiithor leaves Lapvia ; is conveyed to Balnibarhi, arrives at the 
 metropolis, A description of the metropolis, and the country 
 adjoining. The Avihor hospitably received by a great Lord. His 
 conversation with tliat Lord. 
 
 Although I cannot say that I was ill treated in this 
 island, yet I must confess I thought myself too much 
 neglected, not without some degree of contempt. For 
 neither prince nor people appeared to be curious in any 
 part of knowledge, except mathematics and music, 
 wherein I was far their inferior, and upon that account 
 very little regarded. 
 
 On the other side, after having seen all the curiosities 
 of the island, I was very desirous to leave it, being heartily 
 weary of those people. They were indeed excellent in two 
 sciences for which I have great esteem, and wherein I am 
 not unversed ; but at the same time so abstracted and 
 involved in speculation, that I never met with such 
 disagreeable companions. I conversed only with women, 
 tradesmen, flappers, and court-pages, during two months 
 of my abode there, by which at last I rendered myself 
 extremely contemptible ; yet these were the only people 
 from whom I could ever receive a reasonable answer. 
 
 I had obtained by hard study a good degree of know- 
 ledge in their language ; I was weary of being confined 
 to an island where I received so little countenance, and 
 resolved to leave it with the first opportunity. 
 
 There was a great lord at court, nearly related to the 
 King, and for that reason alone used with respect. He 
 was universally reckoned the most ignorant and stupid 
 person among them. He had performed many eminent 
 
206 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 services for the crown, had great natural and acquired 
 parts, adorned with integrity and honour, but so ill an 
 ear for music, that his detractors reported he had been 
 often known to beat time in the wrong place ; neither 
 could his tutors without extreme difficulty teach him 
 to demonstrate the most easy proposition in the mathe- 
 matics. He was pleased to show me many marks of 
 favour, often did me the honour of a visit, desired to be 
 informed in the affairs of Europe, the laws and customs, 
 the manners and learning of the several countries where 
 I had travelled. He listened to me with great attention, 
 and made very wise observations on all I spoke. He had 
 two flappers attending him for state, but never made 
 use of them except at court, and in visits of ceremony, 
 and would always command them to withdraw when 
 we were alone together. 
 
 I entreated this illustrious person to intercede in my 
 behalf with his Majesty for leave to depart, which he 
 accordingly did, as he was pleased to tell me, with regret : 
 for indeed he had made me several offers very advan- 
 tageous, which however I refused with expressions of 
 the highest acknowledgement. 
 
 On the 16th day of February I took leave of his 
 Majesty and the court. The Kiug made me a present 
 to the value of about two hundred pounds English, and 
 my protector his kinsman as much more, together with 
 a letter of recommendation to a friend of his in Lagado, 
 the metropolis. The island being then hovering over 
 a mountain about two miles from it, I was let down 
 from the lowest gallery, in the same manner as I had 
 been taken up. 
 
 The continent, as far as it is subject to the monarch 
 of the Flying Island, passes under the general name of 
 Balniharbi, and the metropolis, as I said before, is called 
 Lagado. I felt some little satisfaction in finding myself 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 207 
 
 on firm ground. I walked to the city without any 
 concern, being clad like one of the natives, and sufficiently 
 instructed to converse with them. I soon found out the 
 person's house to whom I was recommended, presented 
 my letter from his friend the grandee in the island, and 
 was received with much kindness. This great lord, 
 whose name was Munodi, ordered me an apartment in 
 his own house, where I continued during my stay, and 
 was entertained in a most hospitable manner. 
 
 The next morning after my arrival, he took me in his 
 chariot to see the town, which is about half the bigness 
 of London, but the houses very strangely built, and 
 most of them out of repair. The people in the streets 
 walked fast, looked wUd, their eyes fixed, and were 
 generally in rags. We passed through one of the town 
 gates, and went about three miles into the country, 
 where I saw many labourers working with several sorts 
 of tools in the ground, but was not able to conjecture 
 what they were about ; neither did I observe any 
 expectation either of com or grass, although the soil 
 appeared to be excellent. I could not forbear admiring 
 at these odd appearances both in town and country, and 
 I made bold to desire my conductor, that he would be 
 pleased to explain to me what could be meant by so 
 many busy heads, hands, and faces, both in the streets 
 and the fields, because I did not discover any good 
 efiects they produced ; but on the contrary, I never 
 knew a soil so unhappily cultivated, houses so ill contrived 
 and so miinous, or a people whose countenances and 
 habit expressed so much misery and want. 
 
 This Lord Munodi was a person of the first rank, and 
 had been some years Governor of Lagado, but by a cabal 
 of ministers was discharged for insufficiency. However, 
 the King treated him with tenderness, as a well-meaning 
 man, but of a low contemptible understanding. 
 
208 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 When I gave that free censure of the country and its 
 inhabitants, he made no further answer than by telling 
 me that I had not been long enough among them to 
 form a judgement, and that the different nations of the 
 world had different customs, with other common topics 
 to the same purpose. But when we returned to his 
 palace, he asked me how I liked the building, what 
 absurdities I observed, and what quarrel I had with the 
 dress or looks of his domestics. This he might safely 
 do, because every thing about him was magnificent, 
 regular, and polite. I answered that his Excellency's 
 prudence, quality, and fortune, had exempted him from 
 those defects which folly and beggary had produced 
 in others. He said if I would go with him to his country- 
 house, about twenty miles distant, where his estate lay, 
 there would be more leisure for this kind of conversation. 
 T told his Excellency that I was entirely at his disposal, 
 and accordingly we set out next morning. 
 
 During our journey he made me observe the several 
 methods used by farmers in managing their lands, which 
 to me were wholly unaccountable ; for except in some 
 very few places I could not discover one ear of com or 
 blade of grass. But in three hours travelling the scene 
 was wholly altered ; we came into a most beautiful 
 country ; farmers' houses at small distances, neatly 
 built ; the fields enclosed, containing vineyards, corn- 
 grounds, and meadows. Neither do I remember to have 
 seen a more delightful prospect. His Excellency observed 
 my countenance to clear up ; he told me with a sigh that 
 there his estate began, and would continue the same till 
 we should come to his house. That his countrymen 
 ridiculed and despised him for managing his affairs no 
 better, and for setting so ill an example to the kingdom, 
 which however was followed by very few, such as were 
 old, and wilful, and weak like himself. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 209 
 
 We came at length to the house, which was indeed 
 a noble structure, buHt according to the best rules of 
 ancient architecture. The fountains, gardens, waits, 
 avenues, and groves were all disposed with exact 
 judgment and taste. I gave due praises to every thing 
 I saw, whereof his Excellency took not the least notice 
 till after supper, when, there being no third companion, 
 he told me with a very melancholy air that he doubted 
 he must throw down his houses in town and country, 
 to rebuild them after the present mode, destroy all his 
 plantations, and cast others into such a form as modem 
 usage required, and give the same directions to all his 
 tenants, unless he would submit to incur the censure of 
 pride, singularity, afiectation, ignorance, caprice, and 
 perhaps increase his Majesty's displeasure. 
 
 That the admiration I appeared to be under would 
 cease or diminish when he had iDiormed me of some 
 particulars, which probably I never heard of at court, 
 the people there being too much taken up in their own 
 speculations, to have regard to what passed here below. 
 
 The sum of his discourse was to this effect. That about 
 forty years ago certain persons went up to Laputa, either 
 upon business or diversion, and after five months con- 
 tinuance came back with a very little smattering in 
 mathematics, but fuU of volatile spirits acquired in that 
 airy region. That these persons upon their return began 
 to difiUke the management of every thing below, and 
 fell into schemes of putting all arts, sciences, languages, 
 and mechanics upon a new foot. To this end they 
 procured a royal patent for erecting an Academy of 
 Projectors in Lagado ; and the humour prevailed so 
 strongly among the people, that there is not a town 
 of any consequence in the kingdom without such an 
 academy. In these colleges the professors contrive new 
 rules and methods of agriculture and building, and new 
 
210 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 instruments and took for all trades and manufactures, 
 whereby, as they undertake, one man shall do the work 
 of ten ; a palace may be built in a week, of materials so 
 durable as to last for ever without repairing. All the 
 fruits of the earth shall come to maturity at whatever 
 season we think fit to choose, and increase an hundred 
 fold more than they do at present, with innumerable 
 other happy proposals. The only inconvenience is, that 
 none of these projects are yet brought to perfection, and 
 in the mean time, the whole country lies miserably waste, 
 the houses in ruins, and the people without food or 
 clothes. By all which, instead of being discouraged, 
 they are fifty times more violently bent upon prosecuting 
 their schemes, driven equally on by hope and despair ; 
 that as for himself, being not of an enterprising spirit, 
 he was content to go on in the old forms, to live in the 
 houses his ancestors had built, and act as they did in 
 every part of life without innovation. That some few 
 other persons of quality and gentry had done the same, 
 but were looked on with an eye of contempt and ill-will, 
 as enemies to art, ignorant, and iU commonwealth's-men, 
 preferring their own ease and sloth before the general 
 improvement of their country. 
 
 His Lordship added that he would not by any further 
 particulars prevent the pleasure I should certainly take 
 in viewing the grand Academy, whither he was resolved 
 I should go. He only desired me to observe a ruined 
 building upon the side of a mountain about three miles 
 distant, of which he gave me this account. That he had 
 a very convenient mill within half a mile of his house, 
 turned by a current from a large river, and sufficient 
 for his own family as well as a great number of his tenants. 
 That about seven years ago a club of those projectors 
 came to him with proposals to destroy this miU, and buUd 
 another on the side of that mountain, on the long ridge 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 211 
 
 whereof a long canal must be cut for a repository of 
 water, to be conveyed up by pipes and engines to supply 
 the mill ; because the wind and air upon a height agitated 
 the water, and thereby made it fitter for motion ; and 
 because the water descending down a declivity would 
 turn the mill with half the current of a river whose 
 course is more upon a level. He said, that being then 
 not very well with the court, and pressed by many of 
 his friends, he complied with the proposal ; and after 
 employing an hundred men for two years, the work 
 miscarried, the projectors went off, laying the blame 
 entirely upon him, railing at him ever since, and putting 
 others upon the same experiment, with equal assurance of 
 success, as well as equal disappointment. 
 
 In a few days we came back to town, and his Excellency, 
 considering the bad character he had in the Academy, 
 would not go with me himself, but recommended me to 
 a friend of his to bear me company thither. My lord 
 was pleased to represent me as a great admirer of projects, 
 and a person of much curiosity and easy belief ; which 
 indeed was not without truth, for I had myself been 
 a sort of projector in my younger days. 
 
CHAP. V 
 
 Tht Author permitted to see ths Grand Academy of Lagado. The 
 Academy largely described. The Arts wherein the profeaaori 
 employ themselves. 
 
 This Academy is not an entire single building, but a 
 continuation of Several houses on both sides of a street, 
 which growing waste was purchased and applied to 
 that use. 
 
 I was received very kindly by the Warden, and went 
 for many days to the Academy. Every room hath in 
 it one or more projectors, and I believe I could not be 
 in fewer than five hundred rooms. 
 
 The first man I saw was of a meagre aspect, with sooty 
 hands and face, his hair and beard long, ragged and 
 singed in several places. His clothes, shirt, and skia 
 were all of the same colour. He had been eight years 
 upon a project for extracting sun-beams out of cucumbers, 
 which were to be put into vials hermetically sealed, and 
 let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers. He 
 told me he did not doubt in eight years more he should 
 be able to supply the Governor's gardens with sunshiae 
 at a reasonable rate ; but he complained that his stock 
 was low, and entreated me to give him something as an 
 encouragement to ingenuity, especially since this had 
 been a very dear season for cucumbers. I made him 
 a small present, for my lord had furnished me with 
 money on purpose, because he knew their practice of 
 begging from all who go to see them. 
 
 I went into another chamber, but was ready to 
 hasten back, being almost overcome with a horrible 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 213 
 
 Btink. My conductor pressed me forward, conjuring 
 me in a whisper to give no ofience, which would be 
 highly resented, and therefore I durst not so much as 
 stop my nose. The projector of this cell was the most 
 ancient student of the Academy ; his face and beard 
 were of a pale yeUow ; his hands and clothes daubed 
 over with filth. When I was presented to him, he gave 
 me a close embrace (a compliment I could well have 
 excused). His employment from his first coming into 
 the Academy, was an operation to reduce human excre- 
 ment to its original food, by separating the several 
 parts, removing the tincture which it receives from the 
 gall, making the odour exhale, and scumming ofE the 
 saliva. He had a weekly allowance from the society, 
 of a vessel filled with human ordure, about the bigness 
 of a Bristol barrel. 
 
 I saw another at work to calcine ice into gunpowder, 
 who likewise showed me a treatise he had written 
 concerning the malleability of fire, which he intended 
 to publish. 
 
 There was a most ingenious architect who had 
 contrived a new method for building houses, by beginning 
 at the roof, and working downwards to the foundation, 
 which he justified to me by the like practice of those 
 two prudent insects, the bee and the spider. 
 
 There was a man born blind, who had several appren- 
 tices in his own condition : their employment was to 
 mix colours for painters, which their master taught 
 them to distinguish by feeling and smelling. It was 
 indeed my misfortune to find them at that time not 
 very perfect in their lessons, and the professor himself 
 happened to be generally mistaken : this artist is much 
 encouraged and esteemed by the whole fraternity. 
 
 In another apartment I was highly pleased with a pro- 
 jector, who had found a device of ploughing the ground 
 
214, GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 with hogs, to save the charges of ploughs, cattle, and 
 labour. The method is this : in an acre of ground you 
 bury, at six inches distance and eight deep, a quantity 
 of acorns, dates, chestnuts, and other mast or vegetables 
 whereof these animals are fondest ; then you drive six 
 hundred or more of them into the field, where in a few 
 days they will root up the whole ground in search of 
 their food, and make it fit for sowing, at the same time 
 manuring it with their dung. It is true, upon experiment 
 they found the charge and trouble very great, and they 
 had little or no crop. However, it is not doubted that 
 this invention may be capable of great improvement. 
 
 I went into another room, where the walls and ceiling 
 were all hung round with cobwebs, except a narrow 
 passage for the artist to go in and out. At my entrance 
 he called aloud to me not to disturb his webs. He 
 lamented the fatal mistake the world had been so long 
 in of using silk-worms, \yhile we had such plenty of 
 domestic insects, who infinitely excelled the former, 
 because they understood how to weave as well as spin. 
 And he proposed farther that by employing spiders the 
 charge of dyeing silks should be wholly saved, whereof 
 I was fully convinced when he showed me a vast number 
 of flies most beautifully coloured, wherewith he fed his 
 spiders, assuring us that the webs would take a tincture 
 from them ; and as he had them of all hues, he hoped to 
 fit everybody's fancy, as soon as he could find proper 
 food for the flies, of certain gums, oils, and other glutinous 
 matter to give a strength and consistence to the threads. 
 
 There was an astronomer who had undertaken to place 
 a sun-dial upon the great weathercock on the town -house, 
 by adjusting the annual and diurnal motions of the earth 
 and sun, so as to answer and coincide with all accidental 
 turnings by the wind. 
 
 I was complaining of a small fit of the colic, upon 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 215 
 
 which my conductor led me into a room, where a great 
 physician resided, who was famous for curing that 
 disease by contrary operations from the same instru- 
 ment. He had a large pair of bellows with a long slender 
 muzzle of ivory. This he conveyed eight inches up 
 the anus, and drawing in the wind, he affirmed he 
 could make the guts as lank as a dried bladder. But 
 when the disease was more stubborn and violent, he 
 let in the muzzle while the bellows were full of wind, 
 which he discharged into the body of the patient, 
 then withdrew the instrument to replenish it, clapping 
 his thumb strongly against the orifice of the fundament ; 
 and this being repeated three or four times, the adven- 
 titious wind would rush out, bringing the noxious 
 along with it (like water put into a pump), and the 
 patient recover. I saw him try both experiments upon 
 a dog, but could not discern any effect from the former. 
 After the latter, the animal was ready to burst, and 
 made so violent a discharge, as was very offensive to 
 me and my companions. The dog died on the spot, 
 and we left the doctor endeavouring to recover him 
 by the same operation. 
 
 I visited many other apartments, but shall not trouble 
 my reader with all the curiosities I observed, being 
 studious of brevity. 
 
 I had hitherto seen only one side of the Academy, the 
 other being appropriated to the advancers of speculative 
 learning, of whom I shall say something when I have 
 mentioned one illustrious person more, who is called 
 among them the universal artist. He told us he had been 
 thirty years employing his thoughts for the improvement 
 of human life. He had two large rooms full of wonderful 
 curiosities, and fifty men at work. Some were condensing 
 air into a dry tangible substance, by extracting the nitre, 
 and letting the aqueous or fluid particles percolate; 
 
216 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 others softening marble for pillows and pin-cushions ; 
 others petrifying the hoofs of a living horse to preserve 
 them from foundering. The artist himself was at that 
 time busy upon two great designs ; the first, to sow 
 land with chafE, wherein he affirmed the true seminal 
 virtue to be contained, as he demonstrated by several 
 experiments which I was not skilful enough to compre- 
 hend. The other was, by a certain composition of gums, 
 minerals, and vegetables outwardly applied, to prevent 
 the growth of wool upon two young lambs ; and he 
 hoped in a reasonable time to propagate the breed of 
 naked sheep all over the kingdom. 
 
 We crossed a walk to the other part of the Academy, 
 where, as I have already said, the projectors in specu- 
 lative learning resided. 
 
 The first professor I saw was in a very large room, 
 with forty pupils about him. After salutation, observing 
 me to look earnestly upon a frame, which took up the 
 greatest part of both the length and breadth of the room, 
 he said perhaps I might wonder to see him employed 
 in a project for improving speculative knowledge by 
 practical and mechanical operations. But the world 
 would soon be sensible of its usefulness, and he flattered 
 himseK that a more noble exalted thought never sprang 
 in any other man's head. Every one knew how laborious 
 the usual method is of attaining to arts and sciences ; 
 whereas by his contrivance the most ignorant person at 
 a reasonable charge, and with a little bodily labour, may 
 write books in philosophy, poetry, politics, law, mathe- 
 matics, and theology, without the least assistance from 
 genius or study. He then led me to the frame, about 
 the sides whereof all his pupils stood in ranks. \lt was 
 twenty foot square, placed in the middle of the room 
 The superficies was composed of several bits of wood, 
 about the bigness of a die, but some larger than others. 
 
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 r =^ V- -i^ -r" — ■& :?■ i- <C. -'. £r ir s^. 
 
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 ft- 
 
 CJ- 
 
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 R.' 
 
 s. 
 
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 F^ 
 
 <t^ 
 
 JSi 
 
 tfc 
 
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 •p 
 
 K 
 
 5. 
 
 ii 
 
 Ji 
 
 ■ri 
 
 % 
 
 •fc: 
 
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 f:? 
 
 J^ 
 
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 O^ 
 
 Cy. 
 
 ^^ 
 
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 f:T 
 
 J4 
 
 ■■S 
 
 <c- 
 
 Jt" 
 
 c- 
 
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 5^- 
 
 cr. 
 
 E-/ 
 
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 i2r 
 
 s? 
 
 s- 
 
 3 
 
 ^ 
 
 r-. 
 
 ft; 
 
 iS^ 
 
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 cv 
 
 v^ 
 
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 S;-. 
 
 <?- 
 
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 o. 
 
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 fe 
 
 C: 
 
 C- 
 
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 ^ 
 
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 Sb^ 
 
 ^:- 
 
 Q^ 
 
 Ga 
 
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 Vi> 
 
 sv 
 
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 g^-. 
 
 k 
 
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 nWfW? 
 
 TU 
 
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 lU 
 
218 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 They were all linked together by slender wires. These 
 bits of wood were covered on every square with paper 
 pasted on them, and on these papers were written all 
 the words of their language, in their several moods, 
 tenses, and declensions, but without any order. The 
 professor then desired me to observe, for he was going 
 to set his engine at work. The pupils at his command 
 took each of them hold of an iron handle, whereof there 
 were forty fixed round the edges of the frame, and giving 
 them a sudden turn, the whole disposition of the words 
 was entirely changed. He then commanded six and 
 thirty of the lads to read the several lines softly as they 
 appeared upon the frame ; and where they found three 
 or four words together thatmightmake part of a sentence, 
 they dictated to the four remaining boys who were scribes. 
 This work was repeated three or four times, and at every 
 turn the engine was so contrived that the words shitted into 
 new places, as the square bits of wood moved upside dowa ."i 
 
 Six hours a day the young students were employed in 
 this labour, and the professor showed me several volumes 
 in large folio already collected, of broken sentences, 
 which he intended to piece together, and out of those 
 rich materials to give the world a complete body of all 
 arts and sciences ; which however might be still improved, 
 and much expedited, if the public would raise a fund for 
 making and employing five hundred such frames in 
 Lagado, and oblige the managers to contribute in 
 common their several collections. 
 
 He assured me, that this invention had employed all 
 his thoughts from his youth, that he had emptied ^ the 
 whole vocabulary into his frame, and made the strictest 
 computation of the general proportion there is in books 
 between the numbers of particles, nouns, and verbs, and 
 other parts of speech. 
 
 ' emptied Faulkner: employed 1726. 1727. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 219 
 
 I made my humblest acknowledgement to this 
 illustriouB person for his great communicativeness, and 
 promised if ever I had the good fortune to return to my 
 native country, that I would do him justice, as the sole 
 inventor of this wonderful machine ; the form and 
 contrivance of which I desired leave to delineate upon 
 paper, as in the figure here annexed. I told him, although 
 it were the custom of our learned in Europe to steal 
 inventions from each other, who had thereby at least 
 this advantage, that it became a controversy which was 
 the right owner, yet I would take such caution, that he 
 should have the honour entire without a rival. 
 
 We next went to the school of languages, where three 
 professors sat in consultation upon improving that of 
 their own country. 
 
 The first project was to shorten discourse by cutting 
 polysyllables into one, and leaving out verbs and 
 participles, because in reality all things imaginable 
 are but nouns. 
 
 The other project was a scheme for entirely abolishing 
 all words whatsoever ; and this was urged as a great 
 advantage in point of health as well as brevity. For it 
 is plain that every word we speak ie in some degree 
 a diminution of our lungs by corrosion, and consequently 
 contributes to the shortening of our lives. An expedient 
 was therefore ofEered, that siace words are only names 
 for things, it would be more convenient for all men to 
 carry about them such things as were necessary to express 
 the particular business they are to discourse on. And this 
 invention would certainly have taken place, to the great 
 ease as well as health of the subject, if the women, in 
 conjunction with the vulgar and illiterate, had not 
 threatened to raise a rebellion, unless they might be 
 allowed the liberty to speak with their tongues, after 
 the manner of their ancestors ; such constant irrecon- 
 
220 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 cilable enemies to science are the common people. 
 However, many of the most learned and wise adhere to 
 the new scheme of expressing themselves by things, 
 which hath only this inconvenience attending it, that 
 if a man's business be very great, and of various kinds, 
 he must be obliged in proportion to carry a greater 
 bundle of things upon his back, unless he can afEord 
 one or two strong servants to attend him. I have often 
 beheld two of those sages almost sinking under the 
 weight of their packs, like pedlars among us ; who, 
 when they met in the streets, would lay down their loads, 
 open their sacks, and hold conversation for an hour 
 together ; then put up their implements, help each other 
 to resume their burthens, and take their leave. 
 
 But for short conversations a man may carry imple- 
 ments in his pockets and under his arms, enough to supply 
 him, and in his house he cannot be at a loss. Therefore 
 the room where company meet who practise this art, ia 
 full of all things ready at hand, requisite to furnish 
 matter for this kind of artificial converse. 
 
 Another great advantage proposed by this invention 
 was that it would serve as an universal language to be 
 understood in all civilised nations, whose goods and 
 utensils are generally of the same kind, or nearly resem- 
 bling, so that their uses might easily be comprehended. 
 And thus ambassadors would be qualified to treat with 
 foreign princes or ministers of state, to whose tongues 
 they were utter strangers. 
 
 I was at the mathematical school, where the master 
 taught his pupils after a method scarce imaginable to us 
 in Europe. The proposition and demonstration were 
 fairly written on a thin wafer, with ink composed of 
 a cephalic tincture. This the student was to swallow 
 upon a fasting stomach, and for three days following 
 eat nothing but bread and water. Aa the wafer digested. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA. ETC. 221 
 
 the tinctiire monnted to his brain, bearing the proposition 
 along with it. But the snccess hath not hitherto been 
 answerable, partly by some error in the qitantum or 
 composition, and partly by the perverseness of lads, to 
 whom this bolus is so nauseous, that they generally steal 
 aside, and discharge it upwards before it can operate ; 
 neither have they been yet persuaded to use so long an 
 abstinence as the prescription requires. 
 
CHAP. VI 
 
 A further account of the Academy. The Author proposes Home improve- 
 ments, which cure honourably received. 
 
 In the school of political projectors I was but ill enter- 
 tained, the professors appearing in my judgment wholly 
 out of their senses, which is a scene that never faUs to 
 make me melancholy. These unhappy people were 
 proposing schemes for persuading monarchs to choose 
 favourites upon the score of their wisdom, capacity, and 
 virtue ; of teaching ministers to consult the public good ; 
 of rewarding merit, great abilities, eminent services ; 
 of instructing princes to know their true interest by 
 placing it on the same foundation with that of theii 
 people ; of choosing for employments persons qualified 
 to exercise them ; with many other wild impossible 
 chimseras, that never entered before into the heart of 
 man to conceive, and confirmed in me the old observa- 
 tion, that there is nothing so extravagant and irrationaJ 
 which some philosophers have not maintained for truth. 
 
 But however I shall so far do justice to this part of the 
 Academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not 
 so visionary. There was a most ingenious doctor who 
 seemed to be perfectly versed in the whole nature and 
 system of government. This illustrious person had very 
 usefully employed his studies in finding out effectual 
 remedies for all diseases and corruptions, to which the 
 several kinds of public administration are subject by 
 the vices or infirmities of those who govern, as well as 
 by the licentiousness of those who are to obey. For 
 instance, whereas aU writers and reasoners have agreed, 
 that there is a strict universal resemblance between the 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 223 
 
 natural and the political body ; can there be any thing 
 more evident, than that the health of both must be 
 preserved, and the diseases cured by the same prescrip- 
 tions ? It is allowed that senates and great councils 
 are often troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other 
 peccant humours, with many diseases of the head, and 
 more of the heart ; with strong convulsions, with 
 grievous contractions of the nerves and sinews in both 
 hands, but especially the right ; with spleen, flatus, ver- 
 tigos, and deliriums ; with scrofulous tumours full of 
 foetid virulent matter ; with sour frothy ructations, 
 with canine appetites and crudeness of digestion, be- 
 sides many others needless to mention. This doctor 
 therefore proposed, that upon the meeting of a senate, 
 certain physicians should attend at the three first days 
 of their sitting, and at the close of each day's debate, 
 feel the pulses of every senator ; after which, having 
 maturely considered, and consulted upon the nature 
 of the several maladies, and the methods of cure, they 
 should on the fourth day return to the senate house, 
 attended by their apothecaries stored with proper 
 medicines ; and before the members sat, administer 
 to each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corro- 
 sives, restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, 
 icterics, apophlegmatics, acoustics, as their several 
 cases required ; and according as these medicines 
 should operate, repeat, alter, or omit them at the next 
 meeting. 
 
 This project could not be of any great expense to the 
 public, and would, in my poor opinion, be of much use 
 for the dispatch of business in those countries where 
 senates have any share in the legislative power ; beget 
 unanimity, shorten debates, open a few mouths which 
 are now closed, and close many more which are now 
 open ; curb the petulancy of the young, and correct the 
 
224 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 positiveness of the old ; rouse the stupid, and damp the 
 pert. 
 
 Again, because it is a general complaint, that the 
 favourites of princes are troubled with short and weak 
 memories, the same doctor proposed, that whoever at- 
 tended a first minister, after having told his business 
 with the utmost brevity and in the plainest words, should 
 at his departure give the said minister a tweak by the 
 nose, or a kick in the belly, or tread on his corns, or lug 
 him thrice by both ears, or run a pin into his breech, or 
 pinch his arm black and blue, to prevent forgetfulness ; 
 and at every levee day repeat the same operation, tiU 
 the business were done or absolutely refused. 
 
 He likewise directed, that every senator in the great 
 councD of a nation, after he had delivered his opinion, 
 and argued in the defence of it, should be obliged to 
 give his vote directly contrary ; because if that were 
 done, the result would infallibly terminate in the good 
 of the public. 
 
 When parties in a state are violent, he offered a won- 
 derful contrivance to reconcile them. The method is 
 this. You take a hundred leaders of each party, you 
 dispose them into couples of such whose heads are 
 nearest of a size ; then let two nice operators saw ofE 
 the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such 
 a manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let 
 the occiputs thus out o3 be interchanged, applying each 
 to the head of his opposite party-man. It seems indeed 
 to be a work that requireth some exactness, but the pro- 
 fessor assured us that if it were dexterously performed 
 the cure would be infallible. For he argued thus ; that 
 the two half brains being left to debate the matter 
 between themselves within the space of one skull, would 
 soon come to a good understanding, and produce that 
 moderation, as well as regularity of thinking, so much 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 225 
 
 to be wished for in the heads of those who imagine they 
 come into the world only to watch and govern its 
 motion : and as to the difference of brains in quantity 
 or quality among those who are directors in faction, the 
 doctor assured us from his own knowledge that it was 
 a perfect trifle. 
 
 I heard a very warm debate between two professors, 
 about the most commodious and efEectual ways and 
 means of raising money without grieving the subject. 
 The first affirmed the justest method would be to lay 
 a certain tax upon vices and folly, and the sum fixed 
 upon every man to be rated after the fairest manner by 
 a jury of his neighbours. The second was of an opinion 
 directly contrary, to tax those qualities of body and 
 mind for which men chiefly value themselves, the rate 
 to be more or less according to the degrees of excelling, 
 the decision whereof should be left entirely to their own 
 breast. The highest tax was upon men who are the 
 greatest favourites of the other sex, and the assessments 
 according to the number and natures of the favours they 
 have received ; for which they are allowed to be their 
 own vouchers. Wit, valour, and politeness were like- 
 wise proposed to be largely taxed, and collected in the 
 same manner, by every person's giving his own word 
 for the quantum of what he possessed. But as to 
 honour, justice, wisdom, and learning, they should not 
 be taxed at all, because they are qualifications of so 
 singular a kind, that no man will either allow them in 
 his neighbour, or value them ia himself. 
 
 The women were proposed to be taxed according to 
 their beauty and skill in dressing, wherein they had the 
 same privilege with the men, to be determined by their 
 own judgment. But constancy, chastity, good sense, 
 and good nature were not rated, because they would not 
 bear the charge of collecting. 
 
226 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it was pro- 
 posed that the members should raffle for employments, 
 every man first taking an oath, and giving security 
 that he would vote for the court, whether he won or 
 no ; after which the losers had in their turn the liberty 
 of raffling upon the next vacancy. Thus hope and 
 expectation would be kept alive, none would complain 
 of broken promises, but impute their disappointments 
 wholly to fortune, whose shoulders are broader and 
 stronger than those of a ministry. 
 
 Another professor showed me a large paper of instruc- 
 tions for discovering plots and conspiracies against the 
 government. He advised great statesmen to examine 
 into the diet of all suspected persons ; their times of 
 eating ; upon which side they lay in bed ; with which 
 hand they wiped their posteriors ; to take a strict 
 view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the 
 odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or 
 maturity of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts 
 and designs. Because men are never so serious, thought- 
 ful, and intent, as when they are at stool, which he 
 found by frequent experiment ; for in such conjunc- 
 tures, when he used merely as a trial to consider which 
 was the best way of murdering the king, his ordure 
 would have a tincture of green, but quite difEerent 
 when he thought only of raising an insurrection or 
 burning the metropolis. 
 
 The whole discourse was written with great acuteness, 
 containing many observations both curious and useful for 
 politicians, but as I conceived not altogether complete. 
 This I ventured to tell the author, and ofEered if he 
 pleased to supply him with some additions. He received 
 my proposition with more compliance than is usual among 
 writers, especially those of the projecting species, pro- 
 fessing he would be glad to receive farther information. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 227 
 
 I told him that in the kingdom of Tribnia, by the 
 natives called Langden, where I had sojourned some 
 time in my travels, the bulk of the people consist in 
 a manner wholly of discoverers, witnesses, informers, 
 accusers, prosecutors, evidences, swearers, together with 
 their several subservient and subaltern instruments, all 
 under the colours and conduct of ministers of state and 
 their deputies. The plots in that kingdom are usually 
 the workmanship of those persons who desire to raise 
 their own characters of profound politicians, to restore 
 new vigour to a crazy administration, to stifle or divert 
 general discontents, to fill their pockets with forfeitures, 
 and raise or sink the opinion of public credit, as either 
 shall best answer their private advantage. It is first 
 agreed and settled among them, what suspected persons 
 »hall be accused of a plot ; then, efiectual care is taken to 
 secure all their letters and papers, and put the criminals 
 in chains. These papers are delivered to a set of artists, 
 very dexterous in finding out the mysterious meanings 
 of words, syllables, and letters. For instance, they can 
 discover a close-stool to signify a privy council; a 
 fiock of geese, a senate ; a lame dog, an invader ; 
 
 a codshead, a ; the plague, a standing army ; a 
 
 buzzard, a prime minister ; the gout, a high priest ; a 
 gibbet, a secretary of state ; a chamber-pot, a committee 
 of grandees ; a sieve, a court lady ; a broom, a revo- 
 lution ; a mouse-trap, an employment ; a bottomless 
 pit, the treasury ; a sink, the court ; a cap and bells, 
 a favourite ; a broken reed, a court of justice ; an 
 empty tun, a general ; a running sore, the adminis- 
 tration. 
 
 When this method fails, they have two others more 
 effectual, which the learned among them call acrostics 
 and anagrams. First they can decipher all initial letters 
 into political meanings. Thus, N. shall signify a plot ; 
 
228 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 B. a regiment of horse ; L. a fleet at sea ; or secondly 
 by transposing the letters of the alphabet in any sus- 
 pected paper, they can discover the deepest designs of 
 a discontented party. So for example if I should say 
 in a letter to a friend, Our brother Tom has just got the 
 piles, a skilful decipherer would discover that the same 
 letters which compose that sentence may be analysed 
 into the following words : Eesist, a plot is brought 
 home ; The tour. And this is the anagrammatic method. 
 
 The professor made me great acknowledgments for 
 communicating these observations, and promised to 
 make honourable mention of me in his treatise. 
 
 I saw nothing in this country that could invite me to 
 a longer continuance, and began to think of returning 
 home to England. 
 
CHAP. VII 
 
 TJie Author leaves Lagado, arrives at MaMonada. No ship ready. 
 Ee takes a short voyage to Olubbdubdrib. His reception by the 
 Oovernor. 
 
 The continent of which this kingdom is a part extends 
 itself, as I have reason to believe, eastward to that un- 
 known tract of America, westward of California, and 
 north of the Pacific Ocean, which is not above a hundred 
 and fifty miles from Lagado, where there is a good port 
 and much commerce with the great island of Luggnagg, 
 situated to the north-west about 29 degrees north lati- 
 tude, and 140 longitude. This island of Luggnagg 
 stands south-eastwards of Japan, about an hundred 
 leagues distant. There is a strict alliance between the 
 Japanese Emperor and the King of Luggnagg, which 
 affords frequent opportunities of sailing from one island 
 to the other. I determined therefore to direct my course 
 this way, in order to my return to Europe. I hired two 
 mules with a guide to show me the way, and carry my 
 small baggage. I took leave of my noble protector, 
 who had shown me so much favour and made me a 
 generous present at my departure. 
 
 My journey was without any accident or adventure 
 worth relating. When I arrived at the port of Mal- 
 donada (for so it is called) there was no ship in the 
 harbour bound for Luggnagg, nor likely to be in some 
 time. The town is about as large as Portsmouth. I 
 soon fell into some acquaintance, and was very hos- 
 pitably received. A gentleman of distinction said to me 
 that since the ships bound for Luggnagg could not be 
 ready in less than a month, it might be no disagreeable 
 
^0 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 amusement for me to take a trip to the little island 
 of Glubbdubdrib, about five leagues off to the south- 
 west. He offered himself and a friend to accompany 
 me, and that I should be provided with a small con- 
 venient barque for the voyage. 
 
 Glubbdubdrib, as nearly as I can interpret the word, 
 signifies the Island of Sorcerers or Magicians. It is 
 about one third as large as the Isle of Wight, and 
 extremely fruitful : it is governed by the head of a cer- 
 tain tribe, who are all magicians. This tribe marries 
 only among each other, and the eldest in succession is 
 Prince or Governor. He hath a noble palace, and a park 
 of about three thousand acres, surrounded by a wall of 
 hewn stone twenty foot high. In this park are several 
 small enclosures for cattle, corn, and gardening. 
 
 The Governor and his family are served and attended 
 by domestics of a kind somewhat unusual. By his skUl 
 in necromancy, he hath a power of calling whom he 
 pleaseth from the dead, and commanding their service 
 for twenty-four hours, but no longer ; nor can he call 
 the same persons up again in less than three months, 
 except upon very extraordinary occasions. 
 
 When we arrived at the island, which was about eleven 
 in the morning, one of the gentlemen who accompanied 
 me, went to the Governor, and desired admittance for 
 a stranger, who came on purpose to have the honour 
 of attending on his Highness. This was immediately 
 granted, and we all three entered the gate of the palace 
 between two rows of guards, armed and dressed after 
 a very antic manner, and something in their counten- 
 ances that made my flesh creep with a horror I cannot 
 express. We passed through several apartments, between 
 servants of the same sort, ranked on each side as 
 before, till we came to the chamber of presence, where 
 after three profound obeisances, and a few general 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 231 
 
 questions, we were permitted to sit on three stools near 
 the lowest step of his Highness's throne. He understood 
 the language of Balnibarbi, although it were different 
 from that of his island. He desired me to give him 
 some account of my travels ; and to let me see that I 
 should be treated without ceremony, he dismissed all 
 his attendants with a turn of his finger, at which to my 
 great astonishment they vanished in an instant, like 
 visions in a dream, when we awake on a sudden. I 
 could not recover myself in some time, till the Governor 
 assured me that I should receive no hurt ; and observing 
 my two companions to be under no concern, who had 
 been often entertained in the same manner, I began to 
 take courage, and related to his Highness a short history 
 of my several adventures, yet not without some hesita- 
 tion, and frequently looking behind me to the place 
 where I had seen those domestic spectres. I had the 
 honour to dine with the Governor, where a new set of 
 ghosts served up the meat, and waited at table. I now 
 observed myself to be less terrified than I had been in 
 the morning. I stayed till sunset, but humbly desired 
 his Highness to excuse me for not accepting his invita- 
 tion of lodging in the palace. My two friends and I lay 
 at a private house in the town adjoining, which is the 
 capital of this little island ; and the next morning we 
 returned to pay our duty to the Governor, as he was 
 pleased to command us. 
 
 After this manner we continued in the island for ten 
 days, most part of every day with the Governor, and 
 at night in our lodging. I soon grew so familiarized to 
 the sight of spirits, that after the third or fourth time 
 they gave me no emotion at all ; or if I had any appre- 
 hensions left, my curiosity prevailed over them. For 
 his Highness the Governor ordered me to call up what- 
 ever persons I would choose to name, and in whatever 
 
232 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 numbers among all the dead from the beginning of the 
 world to the present time, and command them to answer 
 any questions I should think fit to ask ; with this con- 
 dition, that my questions must be confined within the 
 compass of the times they lived in. And one thing I 
 might depend upon, that they would certainly tell me 
 truth, for lying was a talent of no use in the lower world. 
 
 I made my humble acknowledgements to his Highness 
 for so great a favour. We were in a chamber from 
 whence there was a fair prospect into the park. And 
 because my first inclination was to be entertained with 
 scenes of pomp and magnificence, I desired to see Alex- 
 ander the Great, at the head of his army just after the 
 battle of Arbela ; which upon a motion of the Gover- 
 nor's finger immediately appeared in a large field under 
 the window where we stood. Alexander was called up 
 into the room : it was with great difficulty that I under- 
 stood his Greek, and had but little of my own. He 
 assured me upon his honour that he was not poisoned, 
 but died of a fever by excessive drinking. 
 
 Next I saw Hannibal passing the Alps, who told me 
 he had not a drop of vinegar in his camp. 
 
 I saw Csesar and Pompey at the head of their troops, 
 just ready to engage. I saw the former in his last great 
 triumph. I desired that the senate of Rome might 
 appear before me in one large chamber, and an assembly 
 of somewhat a latter age in counterview in another 
 The first seemed to be an assembly of heroes and demi- 
 gods ; the other a knot of pedlars, pickpockets, high- 
 way-men, and bullies. 
 
 The Governor at my request gave the sign for Csesar 
 and Brutus to advance towards us. I was struck with 
 a profound veneration at the sight of Brutus, and could 
 easily discover the most consummate virtue, the greatest 
 intrepidity and firmness of mind, the truest love of his 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 233 
 
 country, and general benevolence for mankind in every 
 lineament of his countenance. I observed with much 
 pleasure that these two persons were in good intelli- 
 gence with each other, and Caesar freely confessed to 
 me that the greatest actions of his own life were not 
 equal by many degrees to the glory of taking it away. 
 I had the honour to have much conversation with Brutus ; 
 and was told, that his ancestor Junius, Socrates, Epa- 
 minondas, Cato the younger. Sir Thomas More, and 
 himself were perpetually together : a sextumvirate to 
 which all the ages of the world cannot add a seventh. 
 
 It would be tedious to trouble the reader with relating 
 what vast numbers of illustrious persons were called up, 
 to gratify that insatiable desire I had to see the world 
 in every period of antiquity placed before me. I chiefly 
 fed my eyes with beholding the destroyers of tyrants 
 and usurpers, and the restorers of liberty to oppressed 
 and injured nations. But it is impossible to express 
 the satisfaction I received in my own mind, after such 
 a manner as to make it a suitable entertainment to the 
 reader. 
 
CHAP. VIII 
 
 A further account of Qlvhhdubdrib. Ancient and modern history 
 corrected. 
 
 Having a desire to see those ancients who were most 
 renowned for wit and learning, I set apart one day on 
 purpose. I proposed that Homer and Aristotle might 
 appear at the head of all their commentators ; but these 
 were so numerous that some hundreds were forced to 
 attend in the court and outward rooms of the palace. 
 I knew and could distinguish those two heroes at first 
 sight, not only from the crowd but from each other. 
 Homer was the taller and comelier person of the two, 
 walked very erect for one of his age, and his eyes were 
 the most quick and piercing I ever beheld. Aristotle 
 stooped much, and made use of a staff. His visage 
 was meagre, his hair lank and thin, and his voice hollow. 
 I soon discovered that both of them were perfect strangers 
 to the rest of the company, and had never seen or heard 
 of them before. And I had a whisper from a ghost, who 
 shall be nameless, that these commentators always kept 
 in the most distant quarters from their principals in the 
 lower world, through a consciousness of shame and guilt, 
 because they had so horribly misrepresented the meaning 
 of those authors to posterity. I introduced Didymus 
 and Eustathius to Homer, and prevailed on him to treat 
 them better than perhaps they deserved ; for he soon 
 found they wanted a genius to enter into the spirit of 
 a poet. But Aristotle was out of all patience with the 
 account I gave him of Scotus and Ramus, as I presented 
 them to him ; and he asked them whether the rest of 
 the tribe were as great dunces as themselves. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 235 
 
 I then desired the Grovemor to call up Descartes and 
 Gassendi, with whom I prevailed to explain their systems 
 to Aristotle. This great philosopher freely acknow- 
 ledged his own mistakes in natural philosophy, because 
 he proceeded in many things upon conjecture, as aU men 
 must do ; and he found, that Gassendi, who had made 
 the doctrine of Epicurus as palatable as he could, and 
 the vortices of Descartes, were equally exploded. He 
 predicted the same fate to attraction, whereof the present 
 learned are such zealous asserters. He said that new 
 systems of nature were but new fashions, which would 
 vary in every age ; ajid even those who pretend to 
 demonstrate them from mathematical principles, would 
 flourish but a short period of time, and be out of vogue 
 when that was determined. 
 
 I spent five days in conversing with many others of the 
 ancient learned. I saw most of the first Eoman em- 
 perors T prevailed on the Governor to call up EUoga- 
 balus's cooks to dress us a dinner, but they could not 
 show us much of their skill, for want of materials. A 
 helot of AgesUaus made us a dish of Spartan broth, but 
 I was not able to get down a second spoonful. 
 
 The two gentlemen who conducted me to the island 
 were pressed by their private afiairs to return in three 
 days, which I employed in seeing some of the modem 
 dead, who had made the greatest figure for two or three 
 hundred years past in our own and other countries of 
 Europe ; and having been always a great admirer of 
 old illustrious families, I desired the Governor would 
 call up a dozen or two of kings with their ancestors in 
 order for eight or nine generations. But my disap- 
 poiatment was grievous and unexpected. For instead 
 of a long train with royal diadems, I saw in one family 
 two fiddlers, three spruce courtiers, and an Italian pre- 
 late. In another, a barber, an abbot, and two cardinals. 
 
236 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I have too great a veneration for crowned heads to 
 dwell any longer on so nice a subject. But as to 
 counts, marquesses, dukes, earls, and the like, I was not 
 BO scrupulous. And I confess it was not without some 
 pleasure that I found myself able to trace the particular 
 features, by which certain families are distinguished, 
 up to their originals. I could plainly discover from 
 whence one family derives a long chin, why a second 
 hath abounded with knaves for two generations, and 
 fools for two more ; why a third happened to be crack- 
 brained, and a fourth to be sharpers. Whence it came 
 what Polydore Virgil says of a certain great house, Nee 
 vir fortis, nee femina casta. How cruelty, falsehood, 
 and cowardice grew to be characteristics by which cer- 
 tain families are distinguished as much as by their coat 
 of arms. Who first brought the pox into a noble house, 
 which hath lineally descended in scrofulous tumours to 
 their posterity. Neither could I wonder at all this, 
 when I saw such an interruption of lineages by pages, 
 lackeys, valets, coachmen, gamesters, captains and 
 pickpockets. 
 
 I was chiefly disgusted with modem history. For 
 having strictly examined all the persons of greatest 
 name in the courts of princes for an hundred years past, 
 I found how the world had been misled by prostitute 
 writers, to ascribe the greatest exploits in war to cowards, 
 the wisest counsel to fools, sincerity to flatterers, 
 Roman virtue to betrayers of their country, piety to 
 atheists, chastity to sodomites, truth to informers. 
 How many innocent and excellent persons had been 
 condemned to death or banishment, by the practising 
 of great ministers upon the corruption of judges, and 
 the malice of factions. How many villains had been 
 exalted to the highest places of trust, power, dignity, 
 and profit : how great a share in the motions and events 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 237 
 
 of courts, councils, and senates might be challenged by 
 bawds, whores, pimps, parasites, and buffoons. How 
 jnw_a.p npininn T Viarl nf human wlsdom and Jn tegilfcg. 
 when I was truly informed of the springs and motives 
 of great enterprises and revolutions' in the world, and 
 oftEe conteropEitflb iicoidertts-ta-wiiich they owed their 
 success. 
 
 Here I discovered the roguery and ignorance of those 
 who pretend to write anecdotes, or secret history, who 
 send so many kings to their graves with a cup of poison ; 
 will repeat the discourse between a prince and chief 
 minister, where no witness was by ; unlock the thoughts 
 and cabinets of ambassadors and secretaries of state, 
 and have the perpetual misfortune to be mistaken. 
 Here I discovered the secret causes of many great events 
 that have surprised the world, how a whore can govern 
 the back-stairs, the back-stairs a council, and the council 
 a senate. A general confessed in my presence, that he 
 got a victory purely by the force of cowardice and ill 
 conduct ; and an admiral, that for want of proper in- 
 telligence, he beat the enemy to whom he intended to 
 betray the fleet. Three kings protested to me, that 
 in their whole reigns they never did once prefer any 
 person of merit, unless by mistake or treachery of some 
 minister in whom they confided ; neither would they 
 do it if they were to live again ; and they showed with 
 great strength of reason that the royal throne could not 
 be supported without corruption, because that positive, 
 confident, restive temper, which virtue infused into man, 
 was a perpetual clog to public business. 
 
 I had the curiosity to enquire in a particular manner, 
 by what method great numbers had procured to them- 
 selves high titles of honour, and prodigious estates ; 
 and I confined my enquiry to a very modern period : 
 however, without grating upon present times, because 
 
238 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I would be sure to give no ofionce even to foreigners 
 (for I hope the reader need not be told that I do not in 
 the least intend my own country in what I say upon 
 this occasion), a great number of persons concerned 
 were called up, and upon a very slight examination, 
 discovered such a scene of infamy, that I cannot reflect 
 upon it without some seriousness. Perjury, oppression, 
 subornation, fraud, panderism, and the hke infirmities, 
 were amongst the most excusable arts they had to 
 mention, and for these I gave, as it was reasonable, 
 great allowance. But when some confessed they owed 
 their greatness and wealth to sodomy or incest, others 
 to the prostituting of their own wives and daughters ; 
 others to the betraying their country or their prince ; 
 some to poisoning, more to the perverting of justice in 
 order to destroy the innocent ; I hope I may be par- 
 doned if these discoveries inclined me a little to abate 
 of that profound veneration which I am naturally apt 
 to pay to persons of high rank, who ought to be treated 
 with the utmost respect due to their sublime dignity, 
 by us their inferiors. 
 
 I had often tead of some great services done to princes 
 and states, and desired to see the persons by whom those 
 services were performed. Upon enquiry I was told that 
 their names were to be found on no record, except a few 
 of them whom history hath represented as the vilest 
 rogues and traitors. As to the rest, I had never once 
 heard of them. They all appeared with dejected looks, 
 and in the meanest habit, most of them telling me they 
 died in poverty and disgrace, and the rest on a scaffold 
 or a gibbet. 
 
 Among the rest there was one person whose case 
 appeared a little singular. He had a youth about 
 eighteen years old standing by his side. He told me 
 he had for many years been commander of a ship, and 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 239 
 
 in the sea fight at Actium had the good fortune to break 
 through the enemy's great line of battle, sink three of 
 their capital ships, and take a fourth, which was the 
 sole cause of Antony's flight, and of the victory that 
 ensued ; that the youth standing by him, his only son, 
 was killed in the action. He added that upon the confi- 
 dence of some merit, the war being at an end, he went 
 to Rome, and solicited at the court of Augustus to be 
 preferred to a greater ship, whose commander had been 
 killed ; but without any regard to his pretensions, it 
 was given to a youth who had never seen the sea, the 
 son of Libertina, who waited on one of the emperor's 
 mistresses. Returning back to his own vessel, he was 
 charged with neglect of duty, and the ship given to 
 a favourite page of Publicola, the vice-admiral ; where- 
 upon he retired to a poor farm at a great distance from 
 Rome, and there ended his life. I was so curious to 
 know the truth of this story, that I desired Agrippa 
 might be called, who was admiral in that fight. He 
 appeared, and confirmed the whole account, but with 
 much more advantage to the captain, whose modesty 
 had extenuated or concealed a great part of his 
 merit. 
 
 I was surprised to find corruption grown so high and 
 so quick in that empire, by the force of luxury so lately 
 introduced, which made me less wonder at many parallel 
 cases in other countries, where vices of all kinds have 
 reigned so much longer, and where the whole praise as 
 well as pillage hath been engrossed by the chief com- 
 mander, who perhaps had the least title to either. 
 
 As every person called up made exactly the same 
 appearance he had done in the world, it gave me melan- 
 choly reflections to observe how much the race of 
 human kind was degenerate among us, within these 
 hundred years past. How the pox under all its 
 
240 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 consequences and denominations had altered every 
 lineament of an English countenance, shortened the size 
 of bodies, unbraced the nerves, relaxed the sinews and 
 muscles, introduced a sallow complexion, and rendered 
 the flesh loose and rancid. 
 
 I descended so low as to desire that some English 
 yeomen of the old stamp might be summoned to appear, 
 once so famous for the simplicity of their manners, diet 
 and dress, for justice in their dealings, for their true 
 spirit of liberty, for their valour and love of their country. 
 Neither could I be wholly unmoved after comparing the 
 living with the dead, when I considered how all these 
 pure native virtues were prostituted for a piece of money 
 by their grand-children, who in selling their votes, and 
 managing at elections, have acquired every vice and 
 corruption that can possibly be learned in a court. 
 
CHAP. IX 
 
 The Author returns to Maldonada, Sails to the kingdom of Luggnagg. 
 The Author confined. He is sent for to court. The manner of his 
 aimittance. The King's great lenity to his subjects. 
 
 The day of our departure being come, I took leave 
 of his Highness the Governor of Glubbdubdrib, and 
 returned with my two companions to Maldonada, where 
 after a fortnight's waiting, a ship was ready to sail for 
 Luggnagg. The two gentlemen, and some others, were 
 BO generous and kind as to furnish me with provisions, 
 and see me on board. I was a month in this voyage. 
 We had one violent storm, and were under a necessity of 
 steering westward to get into the trade wind, which 
 holds for above sixty leagues. On the 21st of April, 1709, 
 we sailed into the river of Clumegnig,^ which is a seaport 
 town, at the south-east point of Luggnagg. We cast 
 anchor within a league of the town, and made a signal 
 for a pilot. Two of them came on board in less than 
 half an hour, by whom we were guided between certain 
 shoals and rocks, which are very dangerous in the 
 passage, to a large basin, where a fleet may ride in safety 
 within a cable's length of the town wall. 
 
 Some of our sailors, whether out of treachery or 
 inadvertence, had informed the pilots that I was 
 a stranger and a great traveller, whereof these gave 
 notice to a custom-house officer, by whom I was examined 
 very strictly upon my landing. This officer spoke to me 
 in the language of Balnibarbi, which by the force of much 
 commerce is generally understood in that town, especially 
 
 ' into the river of C. modern edd. : in the river C. 1726, 1727 ; in 
 the river of C. Faulkner. 
 
242 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 by seamen, and those employed in the customs. I gave 
 him a short account of some particulars, and made my 
 story as plausible and consistent as I could ; but I 
 thought it necessary to disguise my country, and call 
 myself an Hollander, because my intentions were for 
 Japan, and I knew the Dutch were the only Europeans 
 permitted to enter into that kingdom. I therefora told 
 the officer, that having been shipwrecked on the coast of 
 Balnibarbi, and cast on a rock, I was received up into 
 Laputa, or the Flying Island (of which he had often 
 heard), and was now endeavouring to get to Japan, from 
 whence I might find a convenience of returning to my 
 own country. The officer said I must be confined till he 
 could receive orders from court, for which he would 
 write immediately, and hoped to receive an answer in 
 a fortnight. I was carried to a convenient lodging, with 
 a sentry placed at the door ; however I had the liberty 
 of a large garden, and was treated with humanity enough, 
 being maintained all the time at the King's charge. 
 I was visited ^ by several persons, chiefly out of curiosity, 
 because it was reported that I came from countries very 
 remote of which they had never heard. 
 
 I hired a young man who came in the same ship to be 
 an interpreter ; he was a native of Luggnagg, but had 
 lived some years at Maldonada, and was a perfect master 
 of both languages. By his assistance I was able to hold 
 a conversation with those who came to visit me ; but 
 this consisted only of their questions, and my answers. 
 
 The dispatch came from court about the time we 
 expected. It contained a warrant for conducting me 
 and my retiaue to Traldragdubh or Trildrogdrib, for it 
 is pronounced both ways as near as I can remember, by 
 a party of ten horse. All my retinue was that poor lad 
 for an interpreter, whom I persuaded into my service. 
 
 ■ visited] invited 2726, 7727, <fec 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 243 
 
 and at my humble request, we had each of us a mule 
 to ride on. A messenger was dispatched half a day's 
 journey before us, to give the King notice of my approach, 
 and to desire that his Majesty would please to appoint 
 a day and hour, when it would be his gracious pleasure 
 that I might have the honour to lick the dust before his 
 footstool. This is the court style, and I found it to be 
 more than matter of form. For upon my admittance 
 two days after my arrival, I was commanded to crawl 
 on my belly, and lick the floor as I advanced ; but on 
 -account of my being a stranger, care was taken to have it 
 made so clean that the dust was not offensive. However, 
 this was a peculiar grace, not allowed to any but persons of 
 the highest rank, when they desire an admittance. Nay, 
 sometimes the floor is strewed with dust on purpose, when 
 the person to be admitted happens to have powerful 
 enemies at court. And I have seen a great lord with his 
 mouth so crammed, that when he had crept to the proper 
 distance from the throne, he was not able to speak a word. 
 Neither is there any remedy, because it is capital for 
 those who receive an audience to spit or wipe their 
 mouths in his Majesty's presence. There is indeed 
 another custom, which I cannot altogether approve of. 
 When the King hath a mind to put any of his nobles to 
 death in a gentle indulgent manner, he commands to 
 have the floor strowed with a certain brown powder, of 
 a deadly composition, which being licked up infallibly 
 kills him in twenty-four hours. But in justice to this 
 prince's great clemency, and the care he hath of his 
 subjects' lives (wherein it were much to be wished that 
 the monarchs of Europe would imitate him), it must be 
 mentioned for his honour, that strict orders are given to 
 have the infected parts of the floor well washed after 
 every such execution ; which if his domestics neglect, 
 they are in danger of incurring his royal displeasure. 
 
244 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I myself heard him give directions, that one of his pages 
 should be whipped, whose turn it was to give notice 
 about washing the floor after an execution, but mali- 
 ciously had omitted it ; by which neglect a youmg lord 
 of great hopes coming to an audience, was unfortunately 
 poisoned, although the King at that time had no 
 design against his life. But this good prince was so 
 gracious as to forgive the poor page his whipping, upon 
 promise that he would do so no more, without special 
 orders. 
 
 To return from this digression ; when I had crept 
 within four yards of the throne, I raised myself gently 
 upon my knees, and then striking my forehead seven 
 times on the ground, I pronounced the following words, 
 as they had been taught me the night before, Ickpling 
 glaffthrobb squutserumm blhiop mlashnalt zwin tnodbalk- 
 guffh slMophad gurdlubh asht. This is the compliment 
 established by the laws of the land for all persons ad- 
 mitted to the King's presence. It may be rendered into 
 English thus : May your Celestial Majesty outlive the sun, 
 eleven moons and a half. To this the King returned some 
 answer, which although I could not understand, yet 
 I replied as I had been directed : Fluft drin yalerick 
 dvmldom prastrad mirpush, which properly signifies. 
 My tongue is in the mouth of my friend, and by this 
 expression was meant that I desired leave to bring my 
 interpreter ; whereupon the young man already men- 
 tioned was accordingly introduced, by whose intervention 
 I answered as many questions as his Majesty could put 
 in above an hour. I spoke in the Balnibarbian tongue, 
 and my interpreter delivered my meaning in that of 
 Luggnagg. 
 
 The King was much delighted with my company, and 
 ordered his Bliffmarklub, or High Chamberlain, to 
 appoint a lodging in the court for me and my interpreter. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 345 
 
 with a daily allowance for my table, and a large purse of 
 gold for my common expenses. 
 
 I stayed three months in this country out of perfect 
 obedience to his Majesty, who was pleased highly to 
 favour me, and made me very honourable offers. But 
 I thought it more consistent with prudence and justice 
 to pass the remainder of my days with my wife and 
 family. 
 
CHAP. X 
 
 J'h$ Luggnaggiana commended, A particular description of the Stmld- 
 brugs, with many conversations hetween the Avihor and some 
 eminent persons upon tJiat subject. 
 
 The Luggnaggiana are a polite and generous people, 
 and although they are not without some share of that 
 pride which is peculiar to all Eastern countries, yet they 
 show themselves courteous to strangers, especially such 
 who are countenanced by the court. I had many 
 acquaintance among persons of the best fashion, and 
 being always attended by my interpreter, the conver- 
 sation we had was not disagreeable. 
 
 One day in much good company I was asked by a 
 person of quality, whether I had seen any of their 
 Struldbritgs, or Immortals. I said I had not, and desired 
 he would explain to me what he meant by such an appel- 
 lation applied to a mortal creature. He told me, that 
 sometimes, though very rarely, a child happened to be 
 born in a family with a red circular spot in the forehead, 
 directly over the left eyebrow, which was an infallible 
 mark that it should never die. The spot, as he described 
 it, was about the compass of a silver threepence, but in 
 the course of time grew larger, and changed its colour ; 
 for at twelve years old it became green, so continued 
 till five and twenty, then turned to a deep blue ; at five 
 and forty it grew coal black, and as large as an Enghsh 
 shilling, but never admitted any further alteration. He 
 said these births were so rare, that he did not believe 
 there could be above eleven hundred struldbrugs of both 
 sexes in the whole kingdom, of which he computed 
 about fiity in the metropolis, and among the rest a 
 young girl bom about three years ago. That these 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 247 
 
 productions were not peculiar to any family, but a mere 
 efEect of chance ; and the children of the struldbrugs 
 themselves were equally mortal with the rest of the 
 people. 
 
 I freely own myself to have been struck with inex- 
 pressible delight upon hearing this account, and the 
 person who gave it me happening to understand the 
 Balnibarbian language, which I spoke very well, I could 
 not forbear breaking out into expressions perhaps a 
 little too extravagant. I cried out as in a rapture : 
 Happy nation where every child hath at least a chance 
 for being immortal ! Happy people who enjoy so many 
 living examples of ancient virtue, and have masters 
 ready to instruct them in the wisdom of all former ages I 
 but, happiest beyond all comparison are those excellent 
 struldbrugs, who being born exempt from that universal 
 calamity of human nature, have their minds free 
 and disengaged, without the weight and depression of 
 spirits caused by the continual apprehension of death. 
 I discovered my admiration that I had not observed any 
 of these illustrious persons at court ; the black spot on 
 the forehead being so remarkable a distinction, that I 
 could not have easily overlooked it ; and it was impos- 
 sible that his Majesty, a most judicious prince, should 
 not provide himself with a good number of such wise 
 and able counsellors. Yet perhaps the virtue of those 
 reverend sages was too strict for the corrupt and libertine 
 manners of a court. And we often find by experience 
 that young men are too opinionative and volatile to be 
 guided by the sober dictates of their seniors. However, 
 since the King was pleased to allow me access to his 
 royal person, I was resolved upon the very first occasion 
 to deliver my opinion to him on this matter freely and 
 at large, by the help of my interpreter ; and whether 
 he would please to take my advice or no, yet in one 
 
248 GULLIVEH'S TRAVELS 
 
 thing I was determined, that his Majesty having fre- 
 quently oSered me an establishment in this country, 
 I would with great thankfulness accept the favour, and 
 pass my life here in the conversation of those superior 
 beings the struldbrugs, if they would please to admit me. 
 
 The gentleman to whom I addressed my discourse, 
 because (as I have already observed) he spoke the lan- 
 guage of Balnibarbi, said to me with a sort of a smile, 
 which usually ariseth from pity to the ignorant, that he 
 was glad of any occasion to keep me among them, and 
 desired my permission to explain to the company what 
 I had spoke. He did so, and they talked together for 
 some time in their own language, whereof I understood 
 not a syllable, neither could I observe by their coun- 
 tenances what impression my discourse had made on 
 them. After a short silence, the same person told me 
 that his friends and mine (so he thought fit to express 
 himself) were very much pleased with the judicious 
 remarks I had made on the great happiness and advan- 
 tages of immortal life ; and they were desirous to know 
 in a particular manner, what scheme of living I should 
 have formed to myself, if it had fallen to my lot to have 
 been born a struldbrug. 
 
 I answered, it was easy to be eloquent on so copious 
 and delightful a subject, especially to me who have been 
 often apt to amuse myself with visions of what I should 
 do if I were a king, a general, or a great lord ; and upon 
 this very case I had frequently run over the whole system 
 how I should employ myself and pass the time if I were 
 sure to live for ever. 
 
 That if it had been my good fortune to come into the 
 world a struldbrug, as soon as I could discover my own 
 happiness by understanding the difEerence between life 
 and death, I would first resolve by all arts and methods 
 whatsoever to procure myself riches. In the pursuit 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 249 
 
 of which by thrift and management, I might reasonably 
 expect, in about two hundred years to be the wealthiest 
 man in the kingdom. In the second place, I would from 
 my earliest youth apply myself to the study of arts 
 and sciences, by which I should arrive in time to excel 
 all others in learning. Lastly, I would carefully record 
 every action and event of consequence that happened 
 in the public, impartially draw the characters of the 
 several successions of princes and great ministers of state, 
 with my own observations on every point. I would 
 exactly set down the several changes in customs, lan- 
 guage, fashions of dress, diet and diversions. By all 
 which acquirements, I should be a living treasury of 
 knowledge and wisdom, and certainly become the oracle 
 of the nation. 
 
 I would never marry after threescore, but live in an 
 hospitable manner, yet still on the saving side. I would 
 entertain myseK in forming and directing the minds of 
 hopeful young men, by convincing them from my own 
 remembrance, experience and observation, fortified by 
 numerous examples, of the usefulness of virtue in public 
 and private life. But my choice and constant com- 
 panions should be a set of my own immortal brother- 
 hood, among whom I would elect a dozen from the most 
 ancient down to my own contemporaries. Where any 
 of these wanted fortunes, I would provide them with 
 convenient lodges round my own estate, and have some 
 of them always at my table, only mingling a few of the 
 most valuable among you mortals, whom length of time 
 would harden me to lose with little or no reluctance, 
 and treat your posterity after the same manner ; just 
 as a man diverts himself with the annual succession of 
 pinks and tulips in his garden, without regretting the 
 loss of those which withered the preceding year. 
 
 These strvMbrugs and I would mutually communicate 
 
250 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 our observations and memorials through the course of 
 time, remark the several gradations by which corrup- 
 tion steals into the world, and oppose it in every step, 
 by giving perpetual warning and instruction to man- 
 kind ; which, added to the strong influence of our own 
 example, would probably prevent that continual degener- 
 acy of human nature so justly complained of in all ages. 
 
 Add to all this the pleasure of seeing the various 
 revolutions of states and empires, the changes in the 
 lower and upper world, ancient cities in ruins, and 
 obscure villages become the seats of kings. Famous 
 rivers lessening into shallow brooks, the ocean leaving 
 one coast dry, and overwhelming another ; the dis- 
 covery of many countries yet unknown. Barbarity over- 
 running the politest nations, and the most barbarous 
 become civilized. I should then see the discovery 
 of the longitude, the perpetual motion, the universal 
 medicine, and many other great inventions brought to 
 the utmost perfection. 
 
 What wonderful discoveries should we make in astro- 
 nomy, by outliving and confirming our own predictions, 
 by observing the progress and returns of comets, with 
 the changes of motion in the sun, moon, and stars. 
 
 I enlarged upon many other topics, which the natural 
 desire of endless lite and sublunary happiness could 
 easily furnish me with. When I had ended, and the 
 sum of my discourse had been interpreted as before, to 
 the rest of the company, there was a good deal of talk 
 among them in the language of the country, not without 
 some laughter at my expense. At last the same gentle- 
 man who had been my interpreter said he was desired 
 by the rest to set me right in a few mistakes, which I 
 had fallen into through the common imbecility of human 
 nature, and upon that allowance was less answerable 
 for them. That this breed of struldbriig.i was peculiar 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 251 
 
 to their country, for there were no such people either 
 in Bahiibarbi or Japan, where he had the honour to be 
 ambassador from his Majesty, and found the natives in 
 both those kingdoms very hard to believe that the fact 
 was possible ; and it appeared from my astonishment 
 when he first mentioned the matter to me, that I received 
 it as a thing wholly new, and scarcely to be credited. 
 That in the two kingdoms above mentioned, where 
 during his residence he had conversed very much, he 
 observed long life to be the universal desire and wish 
 of mankind. That whoever had one foot in the grave 
 was sure to hold back the other as strongly as he could. 
 That the oldest had still hopes of living one day longer, 
 and looked on death as the greatest evil, from which 
 nature always prompted him to retreat ; only in this 
 island of Luggnagg the appetite for living was not so 
 eager, from the continual example of the strvMbruga 
 before their eyes. 
 
 That the system of living contrived by me was un- 
 reasonable and unjust, because it supposed a perpetuity 
 of youth, health, and vigour, which no man could be so 
 foolish to hope, however extravagant he may be in his 
 wishes. That the question therefore was not whether 
 a man would choose to be always in the prime of youth, 
 attended with prosperity and health, but how he would 
 pass a perpetual Ufe under all the usual disadvantages 
 which old age brings along with it. For although few 
 men wiU avow their desires of being immortal upon 
 such hard conditions, yet in the two kingdoms before 
 mentioned of Bakubarbi and Japan, he observed that 
 every man desired to put ofE death for some time longer, 
 let it approach ever so late ; and he rarely heard of any 
 man who died willingly, except he were incited by the 
 extremity of grief or torture. And he appealed to me 
 whether in those countries I had travelled as well as 
 
252 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 my own, I had not observed the same general dis- 
 position. 
 
 After this preface he gave me a particular account 
 of the struTdbrugs among them. He said they com- 
 monly acted like mortals, tiU about thirty years old, 
 after which by degrees they grew melancholy and 
 dejected, increasing ia both till they came to fourscore. 
 This he learned from their own confession ; for other- 
 wise there not being above two or three of that species 
 born in an age, they were too few to form a general 
 observation by. When they came to fourscore years, 
 which is reckoned the extremity of living in this country, 
 they had not only all the follies and infirmities of other 
 old men, but many more which arose from the dreadful 
 prospect of never dying. They were not only opinion- 
 ative, peevish, covetous, morose, vain, talkative, but 
 uncapable of friendship, and dead to all natural affec- 
 tion, which never descended below their grandchildren. 
 Envy and impotent desires are their prevailing passions. 
 But those objects against which their envy seems prin- 
 cipally directed, are the vices of the younger sort, and 
 the deaths of the old. By reflecting on the former, they 
 find themselves cut off from all possibility of pleasure ; 
 and whenever they see a funeral, they lament and 
 repine that others have gone to a harbour of rest, to 
 which they themselves never can hope to arrive. They 
 have no remembrance of anything but what they learned 
 and observed in their youth and middle age, and even 
 that is very imperfect. And for the truth or particulars 
 of any fact, it is safer to depend on common traditions 
 than upon their best recollections. The least miserable 
 among them appear to be those who turn to dotage, 
 and entirely lose their memories ; these meet with more 
 pity and assistance, because they want many bad quab'- 
 ties which abound in others. 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 253 
 
 If a struldbrug happen to marry one of his own kind, 
 the marriage is dissolved of course by the courtesy of 
 the kingdom, as soon as the younger of the two comes 
 to be fourscore. For the law thinks it a reasonable 
 indulgence, that those who are condemned without any 
 fault of their own to a perpetual continuance in the 
 world, should not have their misery doubled by the 
 load of a wife. 
 
 As soon as they have completed the term of eighty 
 years, they are looked on as dead in law ; their heirs 
 immediately succeed to their estates, only a small pit- 
 tance is reserved for their support, and the poor ones 
 are maintained at the public charge. After that period 
 they are held incapable of any emplojrment of trust or 
 profit, they cannot purchase lands or take leases, neither 
 are they allowed to be witnesses in any cause, either 
 civil or criminal, not even for the decision of meers and 
 bounds. 
 
 At ninety they lose their teeth and hair, they have 
 at that age no distinction of taste, but eat and drink 
 whatever they can get, without relish or appetite. The 
 diseases they were subject to stiU continue without in- 
 creasing or diminishing. In talking they forget the 
 common appellation of things, and the names of persons, 
 even of those who are their nearest friends and relations. 
 For the same reason they never can amuse themselves 
 with reading, because their memory will not serve to 
 carry them from the beginning of a sentence to the end ; 
 and by this defect they are deprived of the only enter- 
 tainment whereof they might otherwise be capable. 
 
 The language of this country being always upon the 
 flux, the struldbrugs of one age do not understand those 
 of another, neither are they able after two hundred years 
 to hold any conversation (farther than by a few general 
 words) with their neighbours the mortals ; and thus 
 
254 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 they lie under the disadvantage of living like foreigners 
 in their own country. 
 
 This was the account given me of the struldbruga, as 
 near as I can remember. I afterwards saw five or six 
 of different ages, the youngest not above two hundred 
 years old, who were brought to me at several times by 
 some of my friends ; but although they were told that 
 I was a great traveller, and had seen all the world, they 
 had not the least curiosity to ask me a question ; only 
 desired I would give them slums kiidask, or a token of 
 remembrance, which is a modest way of begging, to 
 avoid the law that strictly forbids it, because they are 
 provided for by the public, although indeed with a very 
 scanty allowance. 
 
 They are despised and hated by all sorts of people ; 
 when one of them is born, it is reckoned ominous, and 
 their birth is recorded very particularly ; so that you 
 may know their age by consulting the registry, which 
 however hath not been kept above a thousand years 
 past, or at least hath been destroyed by time or public 
 disturbances. But the usual way of computing how 
 old they are, is by asking them what kings or great per- 
 sons they can remember, and then consulting history, 
 for infallibly the last prince in their mind did not begin 
 his reign after they were fourscore years old. 
 
 They were the most mortifying sight I ever beheld, 
 and the women more horrible than the men. Besides 
 the usual deformities in extreme old age, they acquired 
 an additional ghastliness in proportion to their number 
 of years, which is not to be described ; and among half 
 a dozen, I soon distinguished which was the eldest, 
 although there was not above a century or two between 
 them. 
 
 The reader will easily believe, that from what I had 
 heard and seen, my keen appetite for perpetuity of life 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 255 
 
 was much abated. I grew heartily ashamed of the 
 pleasing visions I had formed, and thought no tyrant 
 could invent a death into which I would not run with 
 pleasure from such a life. The King heard of all that 
 had passed between me and my friends upon this occa- 
 sion, and rallied me very pleasantly, wishing I would 
 send a couple of struldbrugs to my own country, to arm 
 our people against the fear of death ; but this it seems 
 is forbidden by the fundamental laws of the kingdom, 
 or else I should have been well content with the trouble 
 and expense of transportiug them. 
 
 I could not but agree that the laws of this kingdom, 
 relating to the struldbrugs, were founded upon the 
 strongest reasons, and such as any other country would 
 be under the necessity of enacting in the like circum- 
 stances. Otherwise, as avarice is the necessary conse- 
 quent of old age, those immortals would in time become 
 proprietors of the whole nation, and engross the civil 
 power, which, for want of abilities to manage, must end 
 in the ruin of the public. 
 
CHAP. XI 
 
 The Author leaves Luggnagg, and sails to Japai*. From thence he 
 returns in a Dutch ship to Amsterdam, and from Amsterdam to 
 
 England. 
 
 I THOUGHT this account of the struldbntgs might be 
 some entertaimnent to the reader, because it seems to 
 be a little out of the common way, at least I do not 
 remember to have met the like in any book of travels 
 that hath come to my hands ; and if I am deceived, 
 my excuse must be, that it is necessary for travellers, 
 who describe the same country, very often to agree in 
 dwelling on the same particulars, without deserving 
 the censure of having borrowed or transcribed from 
 those who wrote before them. 
 
 There is indeed a perpetual commerce between this 
 kingdom and the great empire of Japan, and it is very 
 probable that the Japanese authors may have given 
 some account of the struldbrugs ; but my stay in Japan 
 was so short, and I was so entirely a stranger to that 
 language, that I was not qualified to make any enquiries. 
 But I hope the Dutch upon this notice will be curious 
 and able enough to supply my defects. 
 
 His Majesty having often pressed me to accept some 
 employment in his court, and finding me absolutely 
 determined to return to my native country, was pleased 
 to give me his licence to depart, and honoured me with 
 a letter of recommendation under his own hand to the 
 Emperor of Japan. He likewise presented me with four 
 hundred forty-four large pieces of gold (this nation 
 delighting in even numbers), and a red diamond which 
 I Bold in England for eleven hundred pounds. 
 
 On the 6th day of May, 1709, 1 took a solemn leave of 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 257 
 
 his Majesty and all my friends. This prince was so 
 gracious as to order a guard to conduct me to Glanguen- 
 stald, which is a royal port to the south-west part of the 
 island. In six days I found a vessel ready to carry me to 
 Japan, and spent fifteen days in the voyage. We landed 
 at a smaU port-town called Xamoschi, situated on the 
 south-east part of Japan ; the town lies on the western 
 point, where there is a narrow strait, leading northward 
 into a long arm of the sea, upon the north-west part 
 of which, Yedo the metropolis stands. At landing, 
 I showed the custom-house officers my letter from the 
 King of Luggnagg to his Imperial Majesty. They knew 
 the seal perfectly well ; it was as broad as the palm of 
 my hand. The impression was, a King lifting up a lame 
 beggar from the earth. The magistrates of the town 
 hearing of my letter, received me as a public minister. 
 They provided me with carriages and servants, and 
 bore my charges to Yedo, where I was admitted to an 
 audience, and delivered my letter, which was opened 
 with great ceremony, and explained to the Emperor by 
 an interpreter, who then gave me notice by his Majesty's 
 order, that I should signify my request, and, whatever 
 it were, it should be granted for the sake of his royal 
 brother of Luggnagg. This interpreter was a person 
 employed to transact afiairs with the Hollanders ; he 
 soon conjectured by my countenance that I was an 
 European, and therefore repeated his Majesty's commands 
 in Low Dutch, which he spoke perfectly well. I answered 
 (as I had before determined) that I was a Dutch merchant, 
 shipwrecked in a very remote country, from whence I 
 travelled by sea and land to Luggnagg, and then took 
 shipping for Japan, where I knew my countrymen often 
 traded, and with some of these I hoped to get an oppor- 
 tunity of returning into Europe : I therefore most 
 humbly entreated his royal favour, to give order that 
 
258 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I should be conducted in safety to Nangasac. To this 
 I added another petition, that for the sake of my patron 
 the King of Luggnagg, his Majesty would condescend 
 to excuse my performing the ceremony imposed on my 
 countrymen, of trampling upon the crucifix, because 
 I had been thrown into his kingdom by my misfortunes, 
 without any intention of trading. When this latter 
 petition was interpreted to the Emperor, he seemed 
 a little surprised, and said he believed I was the first of 
 my countrymen who ever made any scruple in this point, 
 and that he began to doubt whether I was a real Hol- 
 lander or no, but rather suspected I must be a Chris- 
 tian. However, for the reasons I had offered, but chiefly 
 to gratify the King of Luggnagg by an uncommon mark 
 of his favour, he would comply with the singularity of 
 my humour ; but the afEair must be managed with 
 dexterity, and his ofi&cers should be commanded to let 
 me pass as it were by forgetfulness. For he assured me, 
 that if the secret should be discovered by my countrymen 
 the Dutch, they would cut my throat in the voyage. 
 I returned my thanks by the interpreter for so unusual 
 a favour, and some troops being at that time on their 
 march to Nangasac, the commanding officer had orders 
 to convey me safe thither, with particular instructions 
 about the business of the crucifix. 
 
 On the 9th day of June, 1709, I arrived at Nangasac, 
 after a very long and troublesome journey. I soon fell 
 into the company of some Dutch sailors belonging to the 
 Amboyna, of Amsterdam, a stout ship of 450 tons. I had 
 lived long in Holland, pursuing my studies at Leyden, 
 and I spoke Dutch well. The seamen soon knew from 
 whence I came last : they were curious to enquire into 
 my voyages and course of life. I made up a story as short 
 and probable as I could, but concealed the greatest part. 
 I knew many persons in Holland ; I was able to invent 
 
A VOYAGE TO LAPUTA, ETC. 259 
 
 names for my parents, whom I pretended to be obscure 
 people in the province of Gelderland. I would have given 
 the captain (one Theodoras Vangrult) what he pleased 
 to ask for my voyage to Holland ; but understanding 
 I was a surgeon, he was contented to take haK the usual 
 rate, on condition that I would serve him in the way of 
 my calling. Before we took shipping, I was often asked 
 by some of the crew whether I had performed the 
 ceremony above-mentioned. I evaded the question by 
 general answers, that I had satisfied the Emperor and 
 court in all particulars. However, a malicious rogue of 
 a skipper went to an officer, and pointing to me, told him 
 I had not yet trampled on the crucifix : but the other, 
 who had received instructions to let me pass, gave the 
 rascal twenty strokes on the shoulders with a bamboo, 
 after which I was no more troubled with such questions. 
 
 Nothing happened worth mentioning in this voyage. 
 We sailed with a fair wind to the Cape of Good Hope, 
 where we stayed only to take in fresh water. On the 
 10th of April we arrived safe at Amsterdam, having lost 
 only three men by sickness in the voyage, and a fourth 
 who fell from the foremast into the sea, not far from the 
 coast of Guinea. From Amsterdam I soon after set sail 
 for England in a small vessel belonging to that city. 
 
 On the 16th of April, 1710, we put in at the Downs. 
 I landed the next morning, and saw once more my 
 native country after an absence of five years and six 
 months complete. I went straight to Kedriff, where 
 I arrived the same day at two in the afternoon, and found 
 my wife and family in good health. 
 
TRAVELS 
 
 INTO SEVERAL 
 
 Remote Nations 
 
 OF THE 
 
 WORLD. 
 
 By Capfaml^iEMV El. Gulliver, 
 
 PART IV. 
 A Voyage to the Houyhnhnms. 
 
 LONDON: 
 Printed in the Year, MDCCXXVII. 
 
PlateVIPartJffl:^«.I. 
 
 LewittS i-iona 
 
 '>Uieut^ttCj^Dxp\ 
 
 
 
 
 ^-^ 
 
PART IV 
 
 A VOYAGE TO THE COUNTRY OF THE 
 HOUYHNHNMS 
 
 CHAP. I 
 
 The Author sets ovi as Captain of a ship. His men conspire against 
 him, confine him a long time to his cabin, set him on shore in an 
 unknown land. He travels up in the country. The Yahoos, a 
 strange sort of animal, described. The Author meets two Houy- 
 hnhnms. 
 
 I CONTINUED at home with my wife and children 
 about five months in a very happy condition, if I could 
 
 Ji^ve learned the lesson of knowing when I was well. 
 
 JUleft my poor wife big with child, and accepted an 
 advantageous offer made me to be Captaii^of the 
 Adventure, a stout merchantman of 350 torn/: for 
 I understood navigation well, and being growrfweary of 
 a surgeon's employment at sea, which however I could 
 exercise upon occasion, I took a skilful young man of 
 that calling, one Robert Purefoy, into my ship. We 
 set sail from Portsmouth upon the seventh day of August, 
 1710 ; on the fourteenth we met with Captain Pocock of 
 Bristol, at Teneriffe, who was going to the bay of 
 Campechy, to cut logwood. On the sixteenth he was 
 parted from us by a storm ; I heard since my return 
 that hjs ship foundered, and none escaped but one cabin 
 boy. iBte. was an honest man, and a good sailor, but 
 a little too positive in his own opinions, which was the 
 cause of his destruction, as it hath been of several other^ 
 For if he had followed my advice, he might have bSen 
 safe at home with his family at this time, as well as 
 myself. 
 
264 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I had several men died in my ship of calentures, so 
 that I was forced to get recruits out of Barbadoes, and 
 the Leeward Islands, where I touched by the direction 
 of the merchants who employed me, which I had soon 
 too much cause to repent : for I found afterwards that 
 most of them had been buccaneers. I had fifty hands on 
 board, and my orders were that I should trade with the 
 Indians in the South Sea, and make what discoveries 
 I could. These rogues whom I had picked up debauched 
 my other men, and they all formed a conspiracy to seize 
 the ship and secure me ; which they did one morning, 
 rushing into my cabin, and binding me hand and foot, 
 threatening to throw me overboard, if I offered to stir. 
 I told them I was their prisoner and would submit. 
 This they made me swear to do, and then they unbound 
 me, only fastening one of my legs with a chain near my 
 bed, and placed a sentry at my door with his piece 
 charged, who was commanded to shoot me dead, if 
 I attempted my liberty. They sent me down victuals 
 and drink, and took the government of the ship to 
 themselves. Their design was to turn pirates, and 
 plunder the Spaniards, which they could not do, till 
 they got more men. But first they resolved to sell the 
 goods in the ship, and then go to Madagascar for recruits, 
 several among them having died since my confinement. 
 They sailed many weeks, and traded with the Indians, 
 but I knew not what course they took, being kept a close 
 prisoner in my cabin, and expecting nothing less than 
 to be murdered, as they often threatened me. 
 
 Upon the ninth day of May, 1711, one James Welch 
 came down to my cabin ; and said he had orders from 
 the Captain to set me ashore. I expostulated with him 
 but in vain ; neither would he so much as tell me who 
 their new Captain was. They forced me into the long- 
 boat, letting me put on my best suit of clothes, which 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYKNHNMS 265 
 
 were as good as new, and a small bundle of linen, but no 
 arms except my hanger ; and they were so civil as not 
 to search my pockets, into which I conveyed what money 
 I had, with some other little necessaries. They rowed 
 about a league, and then set me down on a strand. 
 I desired them to tell me what country it was. They 
 all swore they knew no more than myself, but said that 
 the Captain (as they called him) was resolved, after they 
 had sold the lading, to get rid of me in the first place 
 where they could discover land. They pushed off im- 
 mediately, advising me to make haste, for fear of being 
 overtaken by the tide, and so bade me farewell. 
 
 In this desolate condition I advanced forward, and 
 soon got upon firm ground, where I sat down on a bank 
 to rest myself, and consider what I had best to do. 
 When I was a little refreshed I went up into the country, 
 resolving to deliver myself to the first savages I should 
 meet, and purchase my life from them by some bracelets, 
 glass rings, and other toys which sailors usually provide 
 themselves with in those voyages, and whereof I had 
 some about me. The land was divided by long rows of 
 trees, not regularly planted, but naturally growing ; 
 there was great plenty of grass, and several fields of oats. 
 I walked very circumspectly for fear of being surprised, 
 or suddenly shot with an arrow from behind or on either 
 side. I fell into a beaten road, where I saw many tracks 
 of human feet, and some of cows, but most of horses. 
 At last I beheld several animals in a field, and one or two 
 of the same kind sitting in trees. Their shape was very 
 singular and deformed, which a little discomposed me, 
 so that I lay down behind a thicket to observe them 
 better. Some of them coming forward near the place 
 where I lay, gave mp an opportunity of distinctly 
 marking their form.^Jheir heads and breasts were 
 covered with a thick hair, some frizzled and others lank ; 
 
266 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 they had beards like goats, and a long ridge of hair down 
 their backs and the fore-parts of their legs and feet, but 
 the rest of their bodies were bare, so that I might see 
 their skins, which were of a brown buff colojuw They 
 had no tails, nor any hair at all on their buttocks, 
 except about the anus ; which, I presume, nature had 
 placed there to defend them as they sat on the ground ; 
 for this posture they used, as well as lying down, and 
 often stood on their hind feet. They climbed high 
 trees, as nimbly as a squirrel, for they had strong 
 extended claws before and behind, terminating in 
 sharp points, and hooked. They would often spring 
 and bound and leap with prodigious agility. The 
 females were not so large as the males ; they had long 
 lank hair on their heads, but none on their faces, nor 
 any thing more than a sort of down on the rest of their 
 bodies, except about the anus, and pudenda. Their 
 dugs hung between their fore-feet, and often reached 
 almost to the ground as they walked. The hair of both 
 sexes was of several coloujs, brown, red, black, and 
 yellow. Upon the whole.VL never beheld in all my 
 travels so disagreeable an animal, nor one against 
 which I naturally conceived so strong an antipa^t]^. 
 So that thinking I had seen enough, full of contempt 
 and aversion, I got up and pursued the beaten road, 
 hoping it might direct me to the cabin of some Indian. 
 I had not got far when I met one of these creatures 
 full in my way, and coming up directly to me. The 
 ugly monster, when ho saw me, distorted several ways 
 every feature of his visage, and stared as at an object 
 he had never seen before ; then approaching nearer, 
 lifted up his fore-paw, whether out of curiosity or 
 mischief, I could not tell. But I drew my hanger, and 
 gave him a good blow with the flat side of it, for I durst 
 not strike him with the edge, fearing the inhabitants 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 267 
 
 might be provoked against me, if they should come to 
 know that I had killed or maimed any of their cattle. 
 When the beast felt the smart, he drew back, and 
 roared so loud that a herd of at least forty came flocking 
 about me from the next field, howling and making 
 odious faces ; but I ran to the body of a tree, and lean- 
 ing my back against it, kept them ofE by waving my 
 hanger. ^Several of this cursed brood getting hold 
 of the branches behind, leapt up into the tree, from 
 whence they began to discharge their excrements on 
 my head ; however, I escaped pretty well, by sticking 
 close to the stem of the tree, but was almost stifled 
 with the filth, which fell about me on every S)2^. 
 
 In the midst of this distress, I observed them all to 
 run away on a sudden as fast as they could, at which 
 I ventured to leave the tree, and pursue the road, 
 wondering what it was that could put them into this 
 fright. But looking on my left hand, I saw a horse 
 walking softly in the field ; which my persecutors 
 having sooner discovered, was the cause of their flight. 
 The horse started a little when he came near me, but 
 soon recovering himseK, looked full in my face with 
 manifest tokens of wonder ; he viewed my hands and 
 feet, walking round me several times. I would have 
 pursued my journey, but he placed himself directly in 
 the way, yet looking with a very mild aspect, never 
 oSering the least violence. We stood gazing at each 
 other for some time ; at last I took the boldness to reach 
 my hand towards his neck, with a design to stroke it, 
 using the common style and whistle of jockeys when 
 they are going to handle a strange horse. But this 
 animal seeming to receive my civilities with disdain, 
 shook his head, and bent his brows, softly raising up 
 his right fore-foot to remove my hand. Then he neighed 
 three or four times, but in so difierent a cadence, that 
 
268 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I almost began to think he was speaking to himself in 
 some language of his own. 
 
 While he and I were thus employed, another horse 
 came up ; who applying himself to the first in a very 
 formal manner, ^ey gently struck each other's right 
 hoof before, neighing several times by turns, aijd varying 
 the sound, which seemed to be almost articulate. They 
 went some paces oS, as if it were to confer together, 
 walking side by side, backward and forward, like persons 
 deliberating upon some affair of weight, but often 
 turning their eyes towards me, as it were to watch that 
 I might not escape. | I was amazed to see such actions 
 and behaviour in oWite beasts, and concluded with 
 myself, that if the inhabitants of this country were 
 endued with a proportionable degree of reason, they 
 must needs be the wisest people upon eafffi^ This 
 thought gave me so much comfort, that I resolved to go 
 forward until I could discover some house or village, or 
 meet with any of the natives, leaving the two horses to 
 discourse together as they pleased. But the first, who 
 was a dapple gray, observing me to steal ofE, neighed 
 after me in so expressive a tone, that I fancied myself 
 to understand what he meant ; whereupon I turned 
 back, and came near him, to expect his farther commands, 
 but concealing my fear as much as I could, for I began 
 to be in some pain, how this Eidventure might terminate ; 
 and the reader will easily believe I did not much like 
 my present situation. 
 
 The two horses came up close to me, looking with great 
 earnestness upon my face and hands. The gray steed 
 rubbed my hat all round with his right fore-hoof, and 
 discomposed it so much that I was forced to adjust it 
 better, by taking it o£E, and settling it again ; whereat 
 both he and his companion (who was a brown bay) 
 appeared to be much surprised ; the latter felt the 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 269 
 
 lappet of my coat, and finding it to hang loose about me, 
 they both looked with new signs of wonder. He stroked 
 my right hand.seeming to admire the softness and colour ; 
 but he squeezed it so hard between his hoof and his 
 pastern, that I was forced to roar ; after which they 
 both touched me with aU possible tenderness. They 
 were under great perplexity about my shoes and stockings, 
 which they felt very often, neighing to each other, and 
 using various gestures, not unlike those of a philosopher, 
 when he would attempt to solve some new and difficult 
 pilSnomenon. 
 
 Wpon the whole, the behaviour of these animals was so 
 orderly and rational, bo acute and judicious, that I at last 
 concluded they must needs be magicians, who had thus 
 metamorphosed themselves upon some design, and seeing 
 a Strang^ in the way, were resolved to divert themselves 
 with him^ or perhaps were really amazed at the sight of 
 a man Sovery different in habit, feature, and complexion 
 from those who might probably live in so remote a climate. 
 Upon the strength of this reasoning, I ventured to address 
 them in the following manner : Gentlemen, it you be 
 conjiurers, as I have good cause to believe, you can 
 understand any language ; therefore I make bold to let 
 your worships know that I am a poor distressed English- 
 man, driven by his misfortunes upon your coast, and 
 I entreat one of you, to let me ride upon his back, as it 
 he were a real horse, to some house or village where I can 
 be relieved. In return of which favour I wUl make you 
 a present of this knife and bracelet (taking them out 
 of my pocket). The two creatures stood silent while 
 I spoke, seeming to listen with great attention ; and 
 when I had ended, they neighed frequently towards 
 each other, as if they were engaged in serious conversa- 
 tion. I plainly observed, that their language expressed 
 the passions very well, and the words might with little 
 
270 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 pains be resolved into an alphabet more easily than the 
 Chiaese. 
 
 I could frequently distinguish the word Yahoo, which 
 was repeated by each of them several times ; and 
 although it was impossible for me to conjecture what 
 it meant, yet while the two horses were busy in conver- 
 sation, I endeavoured to practise this word upon my 
 tongue ; and as soon as they were silent, I boldly 
 pronounced Yahoo in a loud voice, imitating, at the 
 same time, as near as I could, the neighing of a horse ; 
 at which they were both visibly surprised, and the gray • 
 repeated the same word twice, as if he meant to teach 
 me the right accent, wherein I spoke after him as well as 
 I could, and found myself perceivably to improve every 
 time, though very far from any degree of perfection. 
 Then the bay tried me with a second word, much harder 
 to be pronounced ; but reducing it to the English 
 orthography, may be spelt thus, Houyhnhnm. I did 
 not succeed in this so well as the former, but after two 
 or three farther trials, I had better fortune ; and Aney 
 both appeared amazed at my capacity 
 
 After some further discourse, which I then conjectured 
 might relate to me, the two friends took their leaves, with 
 the same compliment of striking each other's hoof ; and 
 the gray made me signs that I should walk before him, 
 whereia I thought it prudent to comply, till I could find 
 a better director. When I offered to slacken my pace, 
 he would cry Hhuun, Hhuun ; I guessed his meaning, and 
 gave him to understand as well as I could, that I was 
 weary, and not able to walk faster ; upon which he 
 would stand a while to let me rest. 
 
CHAP. II 
 
 The Avihor conducted, by a EouyhnJinm to his house. The housi 
 described. The Author's reception. The food of the Houyhnhnms. 
 The Author in distress for want of meat, is at last relieved. Hit 
 manner of feeding in this country. 
 
 Having travelled about three miles, we came to a long 
 Mad of building, made of timber stuck in the ground, 
 and wattled across ; the roof was low, and covered with 
 Btraw. I now began to be a little comforted, and took 
 out some toys, which travellers usually carry for presents 
 to the savage Indians of America and other parts, in 
 hopes the people of the house would be thereby encour- 
 aged to receive me kindly. The horse made me a sign 
 to go in first ; it was a large room with a smooth clay 
 floor, and a rack and manger extending the whole length 
 on one side. There were three nags, and two mares, not 
 eating, but some of them sitting down upon their hams, 
 which I very much wondered at ; but wondered more 
 to see the rest employed in domestic business. These 
 seemed but ordinary cattle ; however, this confirmed 
 my first opinion, that a people who could so far civilize 
 brute animals, must needs excel in wisdom aU the nations 
 of the world. The gray came in just after, and thereby 
 prevented any iU treatment which the others might have 
 given me. He neighed to them several times in a style 
 of authority, and received answers. 
 
 Beyond this room there were three others, reaching the 
 length of the house, to which you passed through three 
 doors, opposite to each other, in the manner of a vista 
 we went through the second room towards the third 
 here the gray walked in first, beckoniag me to attend 
 
272 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I waited in the second room, and got ready my presents 
 for the master and mistress of the house : they were two 
 knives, three bracelets of false pearl, a small looking- 
 glass, and a bead necklace. The horse neighed three or 
 four times, and I waited to hear some answers in a human 
 voice, but I heard no other returns than in the same 
 dialect, only one or two a little shriller than his. I began 
 to think that this house must belong to some person of 
 great note among them, because there appeared so much 
 ceremony before I could gain admittance. But, that 
 a man of quality should be served aU by horses, was 
 beyond my comprehension. I feared my brain was 
 disturbed by my suSerings and misfortunes : I roused 
 myself, and looked about me in the room where I was 
 left alone ; this was furnished like the first, only after 
 a more elegant manner. I rubbed my eyes often, but 
 the same objects stiU occurred. I pinched my arms and 
 sides to awake myself, hoping I might be ia a dream. 
 I then absolutely concluded, that all these appearances 
 could be nothing else but necromancy and magic. But 
 I had no time to pursue these reflections ; for the gray 
 horse came to the door, and, made me a sign to follow 
 him into the third room, \J»ere I saw a very comely 
 mare, together with a colt and foal, sitting on their 
 haunches, upon mats of straw, not unartfuUy made, and 
 perfectly neat and clea«? 
 
 The mare soon after my entrance, rose from her mat, 
 and coming up close, after having nicely observed my 
 hands and face, gave me a most contemptuous look ; 
 then turning to the horse, I heard the word Yahoo often 
 repeated bstwixt them ; the meaning of which word 
 I could not then comprehend, although it were the first 
 I had learned to pronounce ; but I was soon better 
 informed, to my everlasting mortification : for the horse 
 beckoning to me with his head, and repeating the word 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 273 
 
 Shuun, Hhuun, as he did upon the road, which I under- 
 stood was to attend him, led me out into a kind of court, 
 where was another building at some distance from the 
 house. Here we entered, and I saw three of these 
 detestable creatures, whom I first met after my landing, 
 feeding upon roots, and the flesh of some animals, wiiich 
 I afterwards found to be that of asses and dogs, and now 
 and then a cow dead by accident or disease. They were 
 all tied by the neck with strong withes, fastened to a 
 beam ; they held their food between the claws of their 
 forefeet, and tore it with their teeth. 
 
 The master horse ordered a sorrel nag, one of his 
 servants, to untie the largest of these animals, and take 
 him into the yard. The beast and I were brought close 
 together, and our countenances diligently compared, 
 both by master and servant, ^h^ thereupon repeated 
 several times the word Yahoo, v^y horror and astonish-, 
 ment are not to be described, when I observed in this 
 abominable animal a perfect human figure : the face of 
 it indeed was flat and broad, the nose depressed, the lips 
 large, and the mouth wide. But these differences are 
 common to all savage nations, where the lineaments of 1 
 the countenance are distorted by the natives sufiering 
 their infants to lie grovelling on the earth, or by carrying 
 them on their backs, ■^zzling with their face against 
 the mother's shoulder^ The fore-feet of the Yahoo 
 difiered from my hands in nothing else but the length of 
 the nails, the coarseness and brownness of the palms, 
 and the hairiness on the backs. There was the same 
 resemblance between our feet, with the same differences, 
 which I knew very well, though the horses did not, 
 because of my shoes and stockings ; the same in every 
 part of our bodies, except as to hairiness and colour, 
 which I have already described. 
 
 The great difficulty that seemed to stick with the two 
 
274 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 horses, was to see the rest of my body so very different 
 from that of a Yahoo, for which I was obliged to my 
 clothes, whereof they had no conception. The sorrel 
 nag ofEered me a root, which he held (after their manner, 
 as we shall describe in its proper place) between his hoof 
 and pastern ; I took it in my hand, and having smelt it, 
 returned it to him again as civilly as I coidd. He 
 brought out of the Yahoo's kennel a piece of ass's flesh, 
 but it smelt so offensively that I turned from it with 
 loathing: he then threw it to the Yahoo, by whom it 
 was greedily devoured. He afterwards showed me 
 a wisp of hay, and a fetlock full of oats ; but I shook my 
 head, to signify that neither of these were food for me. 
 And indeed, I now apprehended that I must absolutely 
 starve, if I did not get to some of my own species ; for 
 as to those filthy Yahoos, althouglC^ere were few 
 greater lovers of mankind, at that time, than myself, 
 yet I confess I never saw any sensitive being so detestable 
 on all accounts ; and the more I came near them, the 
 more hateful they grew, while I stayed in that countsgj,^ 
 This the master horse observed by my behaviour, and 
 therefore sent the Yahoo back to his kennel. He then 
 put his fore-hoof to his mouth, at which I was much 
 surprised, although he did it with ease, and with a 
 motion that appeared perfectly natural, and made other 
 signs to know what I would eat ; but I could not return 
 him such an answer as he was able to apprehend ; and 
 if he had understood me, I did not see how it was possible 
 to contrive any way for finding myself nourishment. 
 While we were thus engaged, I observed a cow passing 
 by, whereupon I pointed to her, and expressed a desire 
 to let me go and milk her. This had its effect ; for he 
 led me back into the house, and ordered a mare-servant 
 to open a room, where a good store of milk lay in earthen 
 and wooden vessels, after a very orderly and cleanly 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 276 
 
 maimer. She gave me a large bowl full, of which I drank 
 very heartily, and found myself well refreshed. 
 
 About noon I saw coming towards the house a kind of 
 vehicle, drawn like a sledge by four Yahoos. There was 
 in it an old steed, who seemed to be of quality ; he 
 alighted with his hind-feet forward, having by accident 
 got a hurt in his left fore-foot. He came to dine with 
 our horse, who received him with great civility. They 
 dined in the best room, and had oats boiled in milk for 
 the second course, which the old horse ate warm, but the 
 rest cold. Their mangers were placed circular in the 
 middle of the room, and divided into several partitions, 
 round which they sat on their haunches upon bosses of 
 straw. In the middle was 'a large rack with angles 
 answering to every partition of the manger ; so that each 
 horse and mare ate their own hay, and their own mash 
 of oats and milk, with much decency and regularity. 
 The behaviour of the young colt; and foal appeared very 
 modest, and that of the master and mistress extremely 
 cheerful and complaisant to their guest. The gray 
 ordered me to stand by him, and much discourse passed 
 between him and his friend concerning me, as I found by 
 the stranger's often looking on me, and the frequent 
 repetition of the word Yahoo. ^ j 
 
 I happened to wear my gloves, which the master gray 
 observing, seemed perplexed, discovering signs of wonder 
 what I had done to my fore-feet ; he put his hoof three or 
 four times to them, as if he would signify that I should 
 reduce them to their former shape, which I presently did, 
 pulling oS both my gloves, and putting them into my 
 pocket. This occasioned farther talk, and I saw the 
 company was pleased with my behaviour, whereof I soon 
 found the good effects. I was ordered to speak the few 
 words I understood, and while they were at dinner the 
 master taught me the names for oats, milk, fire, water, 
 
276 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 and some others ; which I could readily pronounce after 
 him, having from my youth a great facility in learning 
 languages. 
 
 When dinner was done the master horse took me aside, 
 and by signs and words made me understand the concern 
 that he was in, that I had nothing to eat. Oats in their 
 tongue are called hlunnh. This word I pronounced two 
 or three times ; for although I had refused them at first, 
 yet upon second thoughts I considered that I could 
 contrive to make of them a kind of bmad, which might 
 be sufiSicient with milk to keep me aliveXtilJ/i could make 
 my escapo^ some other country and to creatures of my 
 own specie_g^ The horse immediately ordered a white 
 marc-servant of his family to bring me a good quantity 
 of oats in a sort of wooden tray. These I heated before 
 the fire as well as I could, and rubbed them till the husks 
 came off, which I made a shift to winnow from the grain ; 
 I ground and beat them between two stones, then took 
 water, and made them into a paste or cake, which I 
 toasted at the fire, and ate warm with milk. \L was at 
 first a very insipid-idiet, though common enough in 
 many parts of EuTopen>ut grew tolerable by time ; and 
 having been often reduced to hard fare in my life, this 
 was not the first experiment I had made how easily 
 nature is satisfied. And I cannot but observe, that 
 I never had one hour's sickness while I stayed in this 
 island. 'Tis true, I sometimes made a shift to catch 
 a rabbit or bird by springes made of Yahoos' hairs, and 
 I often gathered wholesome herbs, which I boiled, orate 
 as salads with my bread, and now and then, for a rarity, 
 I made a little butter, and drank the whey. I was at 
 first at a great loss for salt ; but custom soon reconciled 
 the want of it ; and I am confident that the frequent 
 use of salt among us is an effect of luxury, and was first 
 introduced only as a provocative to drink ; except 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 277 
 
 where it is necessary for preserving of flesh in long 
 voyages, or in places remote from great markets. For 
 we observe no animal to be fond of it but man : and as 
 to myself, when I left this country, it was a great while 
 before I could endure the taste of it in anything that 
 I^te. 
 
 (^his is enough to say upon the subject of my diet, 
 wherewith other travellers fill their books, as if the 
 readers were personally concerned whether we fared well 
 or iUA However, it was necessary to mention this 
 matter, lest the world should think it impossible that I 
 could find sustenance for three years in such a country, 
 and among such inhabitants. 
 
 When it grew towards evening, the master horse 
 ordered a place for me to lodge in ; it was but six yards 
 from the house, and separated from the stable of the 
 Yahoos. Here I got some straw, and covering myself 
 with my own clothes, slept very sound. But I was in 
 a short time better accommodated, as the reader shall 
 know hereafter, when I come to treat more particularly 
 about my way of living. 
 
CHAP. Ill 
 
 The Author etitdioiu to lea/rn the langiiage ; the Bouyhnhnm his master 
 assists in teaching him. The language described. Several Houy- 
 hnhnma of quality come out of curiosity to see the Author. Be 
 gives his master a short account of his voyage. 
 
 My principal endeavour was to learn the language, 
 which my master (for so I shall henceforth call him), and 
 his children, anAevery servant of his house, were desirous 
 to teach me. VJ£or they looked upon it as a prodigy that 
 a brute^animal should discover such marks of a rational 
 creatureJ I pointed to every thing and enquired the 
 name of it, which I wrote down in my journal-book when 
 I was alone, and corrected my bad accent by desiring 
 those of the family to pronounce it often. In this em- 
 ployment, a sorrel nag, one of the under servants, was 
 ready to assist me. 
 
 In speaking they pronounce through the nose and 
 throat, and their language approaches nearest to the 
 High Dutch or German of any I know in Europe ; but 
 is much more graceful and significant. The Emperor 
 Charles V made almost the same observation, when he 
 said that if he were to speak to his horse it should be in 
 High Dutch. 
 
 The curiosity and impatience of my master were so 
 great, that he spent many hours of his leisure to instruct 
 me. He was convinced (as he afterwards told me) that 
 I must be a Yahoo, but my teachableness, civility, and 
 cleanliness, astonished him ; which were qualities alto- 
 gether so opposite to those animals. He was most per- 
 plexed about my clothes, reasoning sometimes with 
 himself whether they were a part of my body ; for I 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNKNMS 279 
 
 never pulled them ofi till the family were asleep, and got 
 them on before they waked in the morning. My master 
 was eager to learn from whence I came, how I acquired 
 those appearances of reason which I discovered in all my 
 actions, and to know my story from my own mouth, 
 which he hoped he should soon do by the great pro- 
 ficiency I made in learning and pronouncing their words 
 and sentences. To help my memory, I formed aU I 
 learned into the English alphabet, and writ the words 
 down with the translations. This last after some time 
 I ventured to do in my master's presence. It cost me 
 much trouble to explain to him what I was doing ; for 
 the inhabitants have not the least idea of books or 
 literature. 
 
 In about ten weeks time I was able to understand most 
 of his questions, andkfthree months could give him some 
 tolerable answers. ^E[e was extremely curious to know 
 from what part of thfe-country I came, and how I was 
 taught to imitate a rational creature ; because the Yahoos 
 (whom he saw I exactly resembled in my head, hands, 
 and face, that were only visible), with some appearance 
 of cunning, and the strongest disposition to mischief, 
 were observed to be the most unteachable of aU brut^. 
 I answered that I came over the sea from a far place, 
 with many others of my own kind, in a great hollow 
 vessel made of the bodies of trees. That my companions 
 forced me to land on this coast, and then left me to shift 
 for myself. It was with some difficulty, and by the help 
 of many signs, that I brought him to understand me. 
 He replied, that I must needs be mistaken, or that I said 
 the thing which was not. (For they have no word in their 
 language to express lying or falsehood.) He knew it was 
 impossible that there could be a country beyond the sea, 
 or that a parcel of brutes could move a wooden vessel 
 whither they pleased upon water. He was sure no 
 
280 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 Houyhnhnm alive could make such a vessel, nor would 
 tsutft Yahoos to manage it. 
 
 \The word Houyhnhnm, in their tongue, signifies a 
 horse, and in its etymology, the perfection of natujj. I 
 told my master, that I was at a loss for expression, but 
 would improve as fast as I could ; and hoped in a short 
 time I should be able to tell him wonders : he was pleased 
 to direct his own mare, his colt and foal, and the servants 
 of the family, to take all opportunities of instructing me, 
 and every day for two or three hours he was at the same 
 pains himself. Several horses and mares of quality in 
 the neighbourhood came often to our house upon the 
 report spread of a wonderful Yahoo, that could speak 
 like a Houyhnhnm, and seemed in his words and actions 
 to discover some glimmerings of reason. These delighted 
 to converse with me : they put many questions, and 
 received such answers as I was able to return. By all 
 these advantages I made so great a progress that in five 
 months from my arrival I understood whatever was 
 spoke, and could express myself tolerably well. 
 
 The Houyhnhnms who came to visit my master out of 
 a design of seeing and talking with me, could hardly 
 believe me to be a right Yahoo, because my body had 
 a difierent covering from others of my kind. They were 
 astonished to observe me without the usual hair or skin, 
 except on my head, face, and hands ; but I discovered 
 that secret to my master, upon an accident which 
 happened about a fortnight before. 
 
 I have already told the reader, that every night when 
 the family were gone to bed it was my custom to strip 
 and cover myself with my clothes. It happened one 
 morning early that my master sent for me by the sorrel 
 nag, who was his valet ; when he came I was fast asleep, 
 my clothes fallen off on one side, and my shirt above 
 my waist. I awaked at the noise he made, and observed 
 
J VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 281 
 
 him to deliver his message in some disorder ; after which 
 he went to my master, and in a great fright gave him 
 a very confused account of what he had seen. This I 
 presently discovered ; for going as soon as I was dressed 
 to pay my attendance upon his Honour, he asked me 
 the meaning of what his servant had reported, that I 
 was not the same thing when I slept as I appeared to 
 be at other times ; that his valet assured him, some 
 part of me was white, some yellow, at least not so white, 
 an^ome brown. 
 
 ri had hitherto concealed the secret of my dress, in 
 oflter to distinguish myself as much as possible from 
 that cursed race of T^hoos ; but now I found it in vain 
 to do so any longer! Besides, I considered that my 
 clothes and shoes would soon wear out, which already 
 were in a declining condition, and must be supplied by 
 some contrivance from the hides of Yahoos or other 
 brutes ; whereby the whole secret would be known. 
 I therefore told my master that in the country from 
 whence I came those of my kind always covered their 
 bodies with the hairs of certain animals prepared by 
 art, as well for decency as to avoid the inclemencies of 
 air, both hot and cold ; of which, as to my own person, 
 I would give him immediate conviction, it he pleased 
 to command me ; only desiring his excuse, it I did 
 not esjpose those parts that nature taught us to con- 
 ceal, tee said my discourse was all very strange, but 
 especially the last' part ; for he could not understand 
 why nati^ should teach us to conceal what nature 
 had give^ That neither himself nor famUy were 
 ashamed oi any parts of their bodies ; but however 
 I might do as I pleased. Whereupon I first unbuttoned 
 my coat and pulled it o£E. I did the same with my 
 waistcoat ; I drew off my shoes, stockings, and breeches. 
 I let my shirt down to my waist, and drew up the 
 
282 GULLIVER'S TRAVEI5 ,y 
 
 bottom, fastening it like a girdle about my middle to 
 hide my nakedness. 
 
 My master observed the whole performance ■with great 
 signs of curiosity and admiration. He took up aU my 
 clothes in his pastern, on&_piece after another, and 
 examined them diligently ; (he then stroked my body 
 very gently and looked round me several times, aftCT 
 which he said it was plain I must be a perfect Yahao^ 
 but that I differed very much from the rest of my 
 species, in the softness and whiteness and smoothness 
 of my skia, my want of hair in several parts of my body, 
 the shape and shortness of my claws behind and before, 
 and my afEectation of walking continually on my two 
 hinder feet. He desired to see no more, and gave me 
 leave to put on my clothes again, for I was shuddering 
 with cold. 
 
 I expressed my uneasiness at his giving me so often 
 the appellation of Yahoo, an odious animal for which I 
 had so utter a hatred and contempt. I begged he would 
 forbear applying that word to me, and take the same 
 order in his family, and among his friends whom he 
 suffered to see me. I requested likewise that the secret 
 of my having a false covering to my body might be 
 known to none but himself, at least as long as my present 
 clothing should last ; for as to what the sorrel nag his 
 valet had observed, his Honour might command him to 
 conceal it. 
 
 AU this my master very graciously consented to, and 
 thus the secret was kept till my clothes began to wear 
 out, which I was forced to supply by several contrivances 
 that shall hereafter be mentioned. In the meantime he 
 desired I would go on with my utmost diligence to learn 
 their language, because he was more astonished at my 
 capacity for speech and reason than at the figure of my 
 body, whether it were covered or no ; adding that he 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 283 
 
 waited with some impatience to hear the wonders which 
 I promised to tell him. 
 
 From thenceforward he doubled the pains he had been 
 at to instruct me ; he brought me into all company, 
 and made them treat me with civility, because, as he 
 told them privately, this would put me into good 
 humour and make me more divertiug. 
 
 Every day when I waited on him, beside the trouble 
 he was at in teaching, he would ask me several questions 
 concerning myself, which I answered as well as I could ; 
 and by these means he had already received some general 
 ideas, though very imperfect. It would be tedious to 
 relate the several steps by which I advanced to a 
 more regular conversation : but the first account 
 I gave of myself in any order and length, was to this 
 purpose : 
 
 That I came from a very far country, as I already had 
 attempted to tell him, with about fifty more of my own 
 species ; that we travelled upon the seas, in a great 
 hollow vessel made of wood, and larger than his Honour's 
 house. I described the ship to him in. the best terms 
 I could, and explained by the help of my handkerchief 
 displayed, how it was driven forward by the wind. 
 That upon a quarrel among us, I was set on shore on 
 this coast, where I walked forward without knowing 
 whither, till he delivered me from the persecution of 
 those execrable Yahoos. He asked me who made the 
 ship, and how it was possible that the Houyhnhnms of 
 my country would leave it to the management of brutes ? 
 My answer was that I durst proceed no further in my 
 relation, unless he would give me his word and honour 
 that he would not be offended, and then I would tell 
 him the wonders I had so often promised. He agreed ; 
 and I went on by assuring him that the ship was made i 
 by creatures like myself, who in all the countries I had / 
 
284 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 travelled, as well as in my own, were the only governing, 
 rational animals ; and that upon my arrival hither I 
 was as much astonished to see the Houyhnhnms act like 
 rational beings, as he or his friends could be in finding 
 some marks of reason in a creature he was pleased to 
 call a Yahoo, to which I owned my resemblance in every 
 part, but could not account for their degenerate and 
 brutal nature. I said farther that if good fortune ever 
 restored me to my native country, to relate my travels 
 hither, as I resolved to do, every body would believe 
 that I said the thing which was not ; that I invented the 
 story out of my own head ; and with all possible respect 
 to himself, his family and friends, and under his promise 
 of not being offended, our countrymen would hardly 
 think it probable, that a Houyhnhnm should be the 
 presiding creature of a nation, and a Yahoo the brute. 
 
CHAP. IV 
 
 The Eouyhnhnm^ notion oj truth and falsehood. The Avihcr's iisr 
 course disapproved by his master. The Author gives a more par- 
 ticvlar account of himself, and the accidents of his voyage. 
 
 Jy master heard me with great appearances of un- 
 easiness in his countenance, because doubting, or not 
 believing, are so little known in this country, that the 
 inhabitants cannot tell how to behave themselves under 
 such circumstance^ And I remember in frequent dis- 
 courses with my master concerning the nature of man- 
 hood in other parts of the world, having occasion to talk 
 of lying and false representation, it was with much diffi- 
 culty that he comprehended what I meant, although he 
 had otherwise a most acute judgment. For he argued 
 thus : that the use of speech was to make us understand 
 one another, and to receive information of facts ; now if 
 any one said the thing which was not, these ends were 
 defeated ; because I cannot properly be said to under- 
 stand him ; and I am so far from receiving information, 
 that he leaves me worse than in ignorance, for I am led 
 to believe a thing black when it is white, and short when 
 it is long. And these were all the notions he had con- 
 cerning that faculty of lying, so perfectly well understood 
 among human creatures. 
 
 To return from this digression ; when I asserted 
 that the Yahoos were the only governing animals in 
 my country, which my master said was altogether past 
 his conception, he desired to know whether we had 
 Houyhnhnms among us, and what was their empli 
 ment : I told him we had great numbers, that in summer 
 they grazed in the fields, and in winter were kept in 
 houses, with hay and oats, where Yahoo servants were 
 
286 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 employed to rub their skins smooth, comb their manes, 
 pick their feet, serve them with food, and make their 
 beds. I understand you well, said my master, it is now 
 very plain, from all you have spoken, that whatever 
 share of reason the Yahoos pretend to, the Houyhnhnms 
 are your mae*«rs ; I heartily wish our Yahoos would 
 be so tractablaf. I begged his Honour would please to 
 excuse me'tfraa proceeding any farther, because I was 
 very certain that the account he expected from me would 
 be highly displeasing. But he insisted in commanding 
 me to let him know the best and the worst : I told him 
 he should be obeyed. I owned that the Houyhnhnms 
 among us, whom we called horses, were the most generous 
 and comely animals we had, that they excelled in strength 
 and swiftness ; and when they belonged to persons of 
 quality, employed in travelling, racing, or drawing 
 chariots, they were treated with much kindness and 
 care, till they fell into diseases or became foundered in 
 the feet ; and then they were sold, and used to all kind 
 of drudgery till they died ; after which their skins were 
 stripped and sold for what they were worth, and their 
 bodies left to be devoured by dogs and birds of prey. 
 But the common race of horses had not so good fortune, 
 being kept by farmers and carriers, and other mean 
 people, who put them to great labour, and fed them 
 worse. I described, as well as I could, our way of riding, 
 the shape and use of a bridle, a saddle, a spur, and a whip, 
 of harness and wheels. I added that we fastened plates 
 of a certain hard substance called iron at the bottom of 
 their feet, to preserve their hoofs from being broken by 
 the stony ways on which we often travelled. 
 / My master, after some expressions of great indignation, 
 pondered how we dared to venture upon a Houyhnhnm's 
 /back, for he was sure that the weakest servant in his 
 house would be able to shake ofiE the strongest Yahoo, 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 287 
 
 or by lying down and rolling on his back squeeze th^ 
 brute to death. I answered that our horses were trained 
 up from three or four years old to the several uses 
 we intended them for; that if any of them proved 
 iatolerably vicious, they were employed for carriages ; 
 that they were severely beaten whUe they were yoimg, 
 for any mischievous tricks ; that the males, designed 
 for common use of riding or draught, were generally 
 castrated about two years after their birth, to take 
 down their spirits and make them more tame and 
 gentle ; that they were indeed sensible of rewards 
 and punishments ; but his Honour would please to 
 consider, that they had not the least tincture of reason 
 any more than the Yahoos in this country. 
 
 It put me to the pains of many circumlocutions to 
 give my master a right idea of what I spoke jJS)jjtheir 
 lajQgua£ejiithjKd;--abound^iQ variety^ of words, because 
 their wants and passions are fewer than among uS^ But 
 it is impossible to represent his noble resentment at our 
 savage treatment of the Houyhnhnm race, particu- 
 larly after I had explaiued the manner and use of 
 castrating horses among us, to hinder them from propa- 
 gating their kind, and to render them more servile. He 
 said if it were possible there could be any country where 
 Yahoos alone were endued with reason, they certainly 
 must be the governing animal, because reason will in 
 time always prevail against brutal strength. But con- 
 sidering the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, 
 he thought no creature of equal bulk was so Ul con- 
 trived, for employing that reason in the common 
 offices of life ; whereupon he desired to know whether 
 those among whom I lived resembled me or the Yahoos 
 of his country. I assured him, that I was as well shaped 
 as most of my age ; but the younger and the female& 
 were much more soft and tender, and the skins of the 
 
288 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 latter generally as white as milkY He said I diflered 
 indeed from other Yahoos, being TBUch more cleanly, 
 and not altogether so deformed, but in point of real 
 advantage he thought I difiered for the worsa That 
 my nails were of no use either to my fore or hirtoer-f eet ; 
 as to my fore-feet, he could not properly call them by 
 that name, for he never observed me to walk upon them ; 
 that they were too soft to bear the ground ; that I 
 generally went with them uncovered, neither was the 
 covering I sometimes wore on them of the same shape 
 or so strong as that on my feet behind. That I could not 
 walk with any security, for if eKher of my hinder-feet 
 slipped, I must inevitably fall. HHe then began to find 
 fault with other parts of my body, the flatness of my face, 
 the prominence of my nose, my eyes placed directly in 
 front, so that I could not look on either side without 
 turning my head\ that I was not able to feed myself 
 without lifting««<fe of my fore-feet to my mouth ; and 
 therefore nature had placed those joints to answer that 
 necessity. He knew not what could be the usg of those 
 several clefts and divisions in my feet behind ; tthat these 
 were too soft to bear the hardness and sharpness of stones 
 without a covering made from the skin of some other 
 brute ; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat 
 and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every 
 day with tediousness and troubl^ And lastly that he 
 observed every animal in this country naturally to abhor 
 the Yahoos, whom the weaker avoided and the stronger 
 drove from them. So that supposing us to have the gift 
 of reason, he could not see how it were possible to cure 
 that natural antipathy which every creature discovered 
 against us ; nor consequently, how we could tame and 
 render them serviceable. However, he would, (as he 
 said,) debate the matter no farther, because he was 
 more desirous to know my own story, the country where 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 289 
 
 I was bom, and the several actions and events of my life 
 before I came hither. 
 
 I assured him how extremely desirous I was that he 
 should be satisfied on every point ; but I doubted much 
 whether it would be possible for me to explain myself on 
 several subjects whereof his Honour could have no con- 
 ception, because I saw nothing in his country to which I 
 could resemble them. That however I would do my best, 
 and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly 
 desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words ; 
 which he was pleased to promise me. 
 
 I said my birth was of honest parents in an island 
 called England, which was remote from this country, as 
 many days' journey as the strongest of his Honour's 
 servants could travel in the annual course of the sun. 
 That I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it is to cure 
 wounds and hurts in the body, got by accident or vio- 
 lence ; that my country was governed by a female man, 
 whom we called a Queen. That I left it to get riches, 
 whereby I might maintain myself and family when I 
 should return. That in my last voyage I was Com- 
 mander of the ship, and had about fifty Yahoos under 
 me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced to supply 
 them by others picked out from several nations. That 
 our ship was twice in danger of being sunk ; the first 
 time by a great storm, and the second, by striking against 
 a rock. Here my master interposed, by asking me how 
 I could persuade strangers out of different countries to 
 venture with me, after the losses I had sustained, and the 
 hazards I had run. I said they were fellows of desperate 
 fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth, on 
 account of their poverty or their crimes. Some were 
 undone by lawsuits ; others spent all they had in drink- 
 ing, whoring, and gaming ; others fled for treason ; 
 many for murder, theft., poisoning, robbery, perjury. 
 
290 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 forgery, coining false money, for committing rapes or 
 sodomy, for flying from their colours, or deserting to 
 the enemy, and most of them had broken prison ; 
 none of these durst return to their native countries for 
 fear of being hanged, or of starving in a jail ; and 
 therefore were under the necessity of seeking a liveU- 
 hood in other places. 
 
 During this discourse my master was pleased to inter- 
 rupt me several times ; I had made use of many circum- 
 locutions in describing to him the nature of the several 
 crimes, for which most of our crew had been forced to 
 fly their country. This labour took up several days' 
 conversation before he was able to comprehend me. He 
 was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or 
 necessity of practising those vices. To clear up which 
 I endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power 
 and riches, of the terrible efiects of lust, intemperance, 
 malice and envy. AU this I was forced to define and 
 describe by putting of cases, and making of suppositions. 
 After which, like one whose imagination was struck with 
 something never seen or heard of before, he would lift 
 up his eyes with amazement and indignation. Power, 
 government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other 
 things had no terms wherein that language could express 
 them, which made the difficulty almost insuperable to 
 give my master any conception of what I meant. But 
 being of an excellent understanding, much improved by 
 contemplation and converse, he at last arrived at a com- 
 petent knowledge of what human nature in our parts of 
 the world is capable to perform, and desired I would give 
 him some particular account of that land which we call 
 Europe, but especially of my own country. 
 
CHAP. V 
 
 The AvtJior, at his master's command, informs him of the state of 
 England. The causes of war am,ong the princes of Europe. The 
 Author begins to explain the English constitution. 
 
 The reader may please to observe, that the followmg 
 extract of many conversations I had with my master, 
 contains a summary of the most material points which 
 were discoursed at several times for above two years ; 
 his Honour often desiring fuUer satisfaction as I farther 
 improved in the Houyhnhnm tongue. I laid before him, 
 as well as I could, the whole state of Europe ; I dis- 
 coursed of trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences ; 
 and the answers I gave to all the questions he made, as 
 they arose upon several subjects, were a fund of conversa- 
 tion not to be exhausted. But I shall here only set down 
 the substance of what passed between us concerning my 
 own country, reducing it into order as well as I can, 
 without any regard to time or other circumstances, while 
 I strictly adhere to truth. My only concern is that I 
 shall hardly be able to do justice to my master's argu- 
 ments and expressions, which must needs suffer by my 
 want of capacity, as well as by a translation into our 
 barbarous English. 
 
 In obedience therefore to his Honour's commands, I 
 related to him the Revolution under the Prince of 
 Orange ; the long war with France entered into by the 
 said prince, and renewed by his successor the present 
 Queen, wherein the greatest powers of Christendom were 
 engaged, and which still continued : I computed at his 
 request that about a million of Yahoos might have been 
 killed in the whole progress of it, and perhaps a hundred or 
 jaere cities taken, and thrice as many ships burnt or sunk. 
 \ He asked me what were the usual causes or motives 
 
292 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 that made one country go to war with another. I 
 answered they were innumerable, but I should only 
 mention a few of the chiey Sometimes the ambition of 
 princes, who never thmk they have land or people 
 enough to govern ; sometimes the corruption of ministers, 
 who engage their master in a war in order to stifle or 
 divert the clamour, of the subjects against their evil ad- 
 ministration. Difference in opinions hath cost many 
 millions of lives : for instance, whether flesh be bread, 
 or bread be flesh ; whether the juice of a certain berry be 
 blood or wine ; whether whistling be a vice or a virtue ; 
 whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into the 
 fire ; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, 
 white, red, or gray ; and whether it should be long or 
 short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean ; with many more. 
 Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long 
 continuance, as those occasioned by diSerence in opinion, 
 especially if it be in things indifferent. 
 , Sometimes the quarrel between two princes is to 
 decide which of them shall dispossess a third of his 
 dominions, where neither of them pretend to any right. 
 Sometimes one prince quarrelleth with another, for fear 
 the other should quarrel with him. Sometimes a war is 
 entered upon, because the enemy is too strong, and 
 sometimes because he is too weak. Sometimes our 
 neighbours want the things which we have, or have the 
 things which we want ; and we both fight, till they take 
 ours or give us theirs. It is a very justifiable cause 
 of a war to invade a country after the people have been 
 wasted by famine, destroyed by pestUence, or embroiled 
 by factions among themselves. It is justifiable to enter 
 into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns 
 lies convenient for us, or a territory of land, th^at would 
 render our dominions round and complete, (if a prince 
 sends forces into a nation where the people are poor and 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 293 , 
 
 )^ 
 ignorant, he may lawfully put half of them to death, 
 
 and make slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and 
 reduce them from their barbarous way of UyjngJ It is 
 a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when 
 one prince desires the assistance of another to secure 
 him against an invasion, that the assistant, when he 
 hath driven out the invader, should seize on the do- 
 minions himself, and kill, imprison or banish the prince 
 he came to relieve. Alliance by blood or marriage is a 
 frequent cause of war between princes ; and the nearer 
 the kindred is, the greater is their disposition to quarrel : 
 poor nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud ; and 
 pride and hunger will ever be at variance. For these^ 
 reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the most honourable 
 of all others ; because a soldier is a Yahoo hired, to kill 
 in cold blood as many of his own species, who have never 
 offended him, as possibly he can. 
 
 There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, 
 not able to make war by themselves, who hire out their 
 troops to richer nations, for so much a day to each man ; 
 of which they keep three fourths to themselves, and it 
 is the best part of their maintenance ; such are those in 
 Germany and other northern parts of Europe. 
 
 What you have told me, (said my master) upon the 
 subject of war, does indeed discover most admirably the 
 effects of that reason you pretend to : however, it is 
 happy that the shame is greater than the danger ; and - 
 that nature hath left you utterly uncapable of doing 
 much mischief. 
 
 For your mouths lying flat with your faces, you can 
 hardly bite each other to any purpose, unless by consent. 
 Then as to the claws upon your feet before and behind, 
 they are so short and tender, that one of our Yahoos 
 would drive a dozen of yours before him. And therefore 
 in recounting the numbers of those who have been kiUed 
 
294 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 in battle, I cannot but think that you have said the thing 
 which is not. 
 
 I could not forbear shaking my head and smiling a 
 little at his ignorance. And being no stranger to the art 
 of war, I gave him a description of cannons, culverins, 
 muskets, carabines, pistols, bullets, powder, swords, 
 bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks, undermines, 
 countermines, bombardments, sea fights ; ships sunk 
 with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each 
 side ; dying groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, 
 confusion, trampling to death under horses' feet ; flight, 
 pursuit, victory ; fields strewed with carcases left for 
 food to dogs, and wolves, and birds of prey ; plundering, 
 stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying. And to 
 set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I 
 assured him that I had seen them blow up a hundred 
 enemies at once in a siege, and as many in a ship, and 
 beheld the dead bodies come down in pieces from the 
 clouds, to the great diversion of the spectators. 
 
 I was going on to more particulars, when my master 
 commanded me silence. He said whoever understood 
 the nature of Yahoos might easily believe it possible for 
 so vile an animal to be capable of every action I had 
 named, if their strength and cunning equalled their 
 malice. But as my discourse had increased his abhor- 
 rence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a dis- 
 turbance in his mind, to which he was wholly a stranger 
 before. He thought his ears being used to such abomin- 
 able words, might by degrees admit them with less 
 detestation. That although he hated the Yahoos of this 
 country, yet he no more blamed them for their odious 
 qualities, than he did a gnnayh (a bird of prey) for its 
 ' cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof. But when 
 a creature pretending to reason could be capable of such 
 enormities, he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 295 
 
 might be worse than brutality itself. He seemed there- 
 fore confident, that instead of reason, we were only 
 possessed of some quality fitted to increase our natural 
 vices ; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns the 
 image of an ill-shapen body, not only larger, but more 
 distorted. 
 
 He added, that he had heard too much upon the sub- 
 ject of war, both in this and some former discourses. 
 There was another point which a little perplexed him at 
 present. I had informed him, that some of our crew left 
 their country on account of being ruined by Law ; that 
 I had already explained the meaning of the word ; but 
 he was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law 
 which was intended for every man's preservation, should 
 be any man's ruin. Therefore he desired to be farther 
 satisfied what I meant by law, and the dispensers thereof, 
 according to the present practice in my own country; 
 because he thought nature and reason were sufficient 
 guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in 
 showing us what we ought to do, and what to avoid. 
 
 I assured his Honour that law was a science wherein 
 I had not much conversed, further than by employing 
 advocates, in vain, upon some injustices that had been 
 done me: however, I would give him all the satisfaction 
 I^as able. 
 
 N^said there was a society of men among us, bred up 
 from their youth in the art of proving by words multipUed 
 for the purpose, that white is black, and black is white, 
 according as they are pai^ To this society all the rest 
 of the people are slaves. For example, if my neighbour 
 hath a mind to my cow, he hires a lawyer to prove that 
 he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire 
 another to defend my right, it being against all rules of 
 law that any man should be allowed to speak for himself. 
 Now in this case I who am the right owner lie under two 
 
296 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 great disadvantages. Wirst, my lawyer, being practised 
 almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is quite 
 out of his element when he would be an advocate for 
 justice, whiflih as an office unnatural, he always attempts 
 with ill-will.] The second disadvantage is that^my 
 lawyer muetr^roceed with great caution, or else he will 
 bo reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his 
 brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law. 
 And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my 
 cow. ^he first is to gain over my adversary's lawyer 
 with aaouble fee, who will then betray his client by 
 insinuating that he hath justice on his sicm The second 
 way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust 
 as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary : 
 and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak the 
 favour of the bench. 
 
 Now, your Honour is to know that these judges are 
 persons appointed to decide all controversies of property, 
 as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from 
 the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy, 
 and having been biassed all their lives against truth and 
 equity, are under such a fatal necessity of favouring 
 fraud, perjury.and oppression, that I have known several 
 of them refuse a large bribe from the side where justice 
 lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing 
 unbecoming their nature or their office. 
 '"'^t is a maxim among these lawyers, that whatever 
 hath been done before may legally be done again : and 
 
 I therefore they take special care to record all the decisions 
 formerly made against common justice and the general 
 reason of mankind. These, under the name of prece- 
 dents, they produce as authorities, to justify the most 
 iniquitous opinions ; and the judges never fail of direct- 
 . ing accordingly. 
 
 \ In pleading they studiously avoid entering into the 
 merits of the cause, but are loud, violent, and tedious in 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 297 
 
 dwelling upon all circumstances •which are not to tha 
 purpose. For instance, ia the case already mentioned, 
 they never desire to know what claim or title my adver- 
 sary hath to my cow ; but whether the said cow were red 
 or black, her horns long or short, whether the field I graze 
 her in be round or square, whether she was milked at home 
 or abroad, what diseases she is subject to, and the like ; 
 after which they consult precedents, adjourn the cause] 
 from time to time, and in ten, twe nty, or thirty years 
 c ome to an issue . " ' 
 
 It is likewise to be observed, that this society hath a 
 peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other 
 mortal can understand, and wherein all their l*ws are 
 written, which they take special care to multiply ,'C;w,here- 
 by they have whoUy confounded the very essence of 
 truth and falsehood, of right and wrong ; so that it will 
 take thirty years to decide whether the field left me by 
 my ancestors for six generatioiKbelongs to me, or to 
 a stranger three hundred miles off^ 
 
 In the trial of persons accuse^Tor crimes against the 
 state the method is much more short and commendable : 
 the judge first sends to sound the disposition of those in 
 power, after which he can easily hang or save the criminal, 
 strictly preserving all due forms of law. 
 
 Here my master interposing, said it was a pity that 
 creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities of miud 
 as these lawyers, by the description I gave of them, must 
 certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be instructors 
 of others in wisdom and knowledge. In answer to which 
 I assured his Honour that in all points out of their own 
 trade, they were the most ignorant and stupid generation 
 among us, the most despicable in common conversation, 
 avowed enemies to aU knowledge and learning, and 
 equally disposed to pervert the general reason of man- 
 kind in every other subject of discourse, as in that of 
 their own profession. 
 
CHAP. VI 
 
 A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. Tlie 
 character of a first minister in the courts of Europe. 
 
 My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what 
 motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, 
 disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a con- 
 federacy of injustice, merely for the sake of injuring 
 their fellow-animals ; neither could he comprehend 
 what I meant in saying they did it for hire. Whereupon 
 I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, 
 the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals ; 
 that when a Yahoo had got a great store of this precious 
 substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had 
 a mind to ; the finest clothing, the noblest houses, great 
 tracts of land, the most costly meats and drinks, and 
 have his choice of the most beautiful females. Therefore 
 since money alone was able to perform all these feats, our 
 Yahoos thought they could never have enough of it to 
 spend or save, as they found themselves inclined from 
 their natural bent either to profusion or avarice. That 
 the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, 
 and the latter_^ere a thousand to one in proportion to 
 the former.^_That the bulk of our people were forced 
 to live miserably, by labouring every day for small 
 wages to make a few live plentif uH£^ T enlarged myself 
 much on these and many other particulars to the same 
 purpose ; but his Honour was still to seek ;<-ioT he 
 went upon a supposition that all animals had a title 
 to their share in the productions of the earth, and 
 especially those who presided over the resjtj Therefore 
 he desired I would let him know what these costly 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 299 
 
 meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. 
 Whereupon I ennmerated as many sorts as came into 
 my head, with the various methods of dressing them, 
 which could not be done without sending vessels by sea 
 to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink, 
 as for sauces, and innumerable other conveniences. 
 I assured hiTn that this whole globe of earth must be at 
 least three times gone round, before one of our better 
 female Yahoos could get her breakfast or a cup to put it 
 in. He said that must needs be a miserable country 
 which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants. 
 But what he chiefly wondered at, was how such vast 
 tracts of ground as I described should be whoUy without 
 fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of 
 sending over the sea for drink. I replied that England 
 (the dear place of my nativity) was computed to produce 
 three times the quantity of food, more than its inhabitants 
 are able to consiime, as well as liquors extracted from 
 grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which 
 made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every 
 other convenience of Hfe. But, in order to feed the 
 luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity 
 of the females, we sent away the greatest part of our 
 necessary things to other countries, from whence in 
 return we brought the materials of diseases, foUy, and 
 vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of 
 necessity that vast numbers of our people are compelled 
 to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, 
 cheating, pimping, forswearing, flattering, suborning, 
 forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, 
 scribbling, star-gazing, poiso nin g, whoring, canting, 
 libelling, freethinking, and the like occupations : every 
 one of which terms, I was at much pains to make him 
 understand. 
 That wiae was not imported among us from foreign 
 
300 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 countries, to supply the want of water or other drinks, 
 but because it was a sort of liquid which made us merry 
 by putting us out of our senses, diverted all melancholy 
 thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the 
 brain, raised our hopes, and banished our fears, suspended 
 every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of 
 the use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep ; 
 although it must be confessed, that we always awaked 
 sick and dispirited and that the use of this liquor filled 
 us with diseases, which made our lives uncomfortable 
 and short. 
 
 But beside all this, the bidk of our people supported 
 themselves by furnishing the necessities or conveniences 
 of life to the rich, and to each other. For instance, 
 when I am at home and dressed as I ought to be, I carry 
 on my body the workmanship of an hundred tradesmen ; 
 the building and furniture of my house employ as many 
 more, and five times the number to adorn my wife. 
 
 I was going on to tell him. of another sort of people, 
 who get their livelihood by attending the sick, having 
 upon some occasions informed his Honour that many 
 of my crew had died of diseases. But here it was with 
 the utmost difiSculty that I brought him to apprehend 
 what I meant. He could easily conceive that a Houyhn- 
 hnm grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, 
 or by some accident might hurt a limb. /But that natiure, 
 who works all things to perfection, sEould suffer any 
 pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impossible, 
 and desired to know the reason of so unaccountable 
 an evul I told him we fed on a thousand things which 
 opererted contrary to each other ; Cthat we ate when 
 we were not hungry, and drank without the provocation 
 of thirst ; that we sat whole nights drinking strong 
 liquors without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, 
 inflamed oui bodies, and precipitated or prevented 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 301 
 
 digestic«rr That prostitute female Yahoos acquired a 
 certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of 
 those who fell into their embraces ; that this and many 
 other diseases were propagated from father to son, 
 so that great numbers come into the world with com- 
 plicated maladies upon them ; that it would be endless 
 to give him a catalogue of aU diseases incident to human 
 bodies ; for they could not be fewer than five or six 
 hundred, spread over every limb and joint ; in short, 
 every part, external an^ intestine, having diseases 
 appropriated to them. JTo remedy which there was 
 a sort of people bred upTlmons us, in the profession 
 or pretence of curing the sic^ And because I had 
 some skill in the faculty, I would in gratitude to his 
 Honour let him know the whole mystery and method 
 by which they proceed. 
 
 Their fundamental is that all diseases arise from 
 repletion, from whence they conclude that a great 
 evacuation of the body is necessary, either through the 
 natural passage or upwards at the mouth. Their next 
 business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, 
 salts, juices, seaweed, excrements, barks of trees, ser- 
 pents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, 
 birds, beasts and fishes, to form a composition for smell 
 and taste the most abominable, nauseous and detest- 
 able they can possibly contrive, which the stomach 
 immediately rejects with loathing ; and this they call 
 a vomit ; or else from the same store-house, with some 
 other poisonous additions, they command us to take 
 in at the orifice above or below (just as the physician 
 then happens to be disposed) a medicine equally annoy- 
 ing and disgustful to the bowels ; which relaxing the 
 belly, drives down all before it, and this they call a 
 purge or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians 
 allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice 
 
302 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 only for the intromission of solids and liquids, and the 
 inferior posterior for ejection, these artists ingeniously 
 considering that in all diseases nature is forced out of 
 her seat, therefore, to replace her in it the body must 
 be treated in a manner directly contrary, by inter- 
 changing the use of each orifice, forcing solids and 
 liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at the 
 mouth. 
 
 But besides real diseases we are subject to many that 
 are only imaginary, for which the physicians have 
 invented imaginary cures ; these have their several 
 names, and so have the drugs that are proper for them, 
 and with these our female Yahoos are always infested. 
 
 One great excellency in this tribe is their skill at 
 prognostics, wherein they seldom fail ; their predictions 
 in real diseases, when they rise to any degree of malignity, 
 generally portending death, which is always in their 
 power, when recovery is not : and therefore, upon 
 any unexpected signs of amendment, after they have 
 pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as 
 false prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity 
 to the world by a seasonable dose. 
 
 They are likewise of special use to husbands and 
 wives who are grown weary of their mates, to eldest sons, 
 to great ministers of state, and often to princes. 
 
 I had formerly upon occasion discoursed with my 
 master upon the nature of government in general, 
 and particularly of our own excellent constitution, 
 deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world. 
 But having here accidentally mentioned a minister of 
 state, he commanded me some time after to inform 
 him what species of Yahoo I particularly meant by that 
 appellation. 
 
 I told him that a First or Chief Minister of State, 
 who was the person I infSrtded tcSescribe, was a creature 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 303 
 
 wholly exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, 
 pity and anger ; at least mad e use of no other pas nifTiH 
 but a violent des ire o f wealth, power, and titles ; that 
 he applies nis woras to aii uses, except to the indication 
 of his mind ; that he never tells a truth but with an 
 intent that you should take it for a lie ; nor a lie but 
 with a design that you should take it for a truth ; that 
 those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the 
 surest way of preferment ; and whenever he begins to 
 praise you to others or to yourself, you are from that 
 day forlorn. The worst mark you can receive is a promise, 
 especially when it is confirmed with an oath ; after 
 which every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes. 
 There are thre e methods b y whi ch a man nja^ R. , rise 
 -4i Q..be chief minister ~ the firs? is byTcnowing how with 
 prudence to dispose of a wife, a daughter, or a sister : 
 the second, by betraying or undermining his predecessor : 
 and the third is by a furious zeal in public assemblies 
 against the corruptions of the court. But a wise prince 
 would rather choose to employ those who practise the 
 last of these methods ; because such zealots prove 
 always the most obsequious and subservient to the wUl 
 and passions of their master. That these ministers 
 having all employments at their disposal, preserve 
 themselves in power by bribing the majority of a senate 
 or great council ; and at last, by an expedient called an 
 Act of Indemnity (whereof I described the nature to 
 him) they secure themselves from after-reckonings, and 
 retire from the public, laden with the spoils of the nation. 
 The palace of a chief minister, is a seminary to breed 
 up others in his own trade : the pages, lackeys, and 
 porter, by imitating their master, become ministers 
 of state in their several districts, and learn to excel in 
 the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and 
 bribery. Accordingly they have a subaltern court 
 
304 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 paid to them by persons of the best rank, and sometimes 
 by the force of dexterity and impudence arrive through 
 several gradations to be successors to their lord. 
 
 He is usually governed by a decayed wench or favourite 
 footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces 
 are conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last 
 resort, the governors of the kingdom. 
 
 One day in discourse my master, having heard me 
 mention the nobility of my country, was pleased to 
 make me a compliment which I could not pretend to 
 deserve : that he was sure I must have been bom of 
 some noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, 
 colour, and cleanliness, aU the Yahoos of his nation, 
 although I seemed to fail in strength and agilityj which 
 must be imputed to my diflerent way of living from 
 those other brutes ; and besides I was not only endowed 
 with the faculty of speech, but likewise with some 
 rudiments of reason, to a degree that with aU his acquaia- 
 /"tance I passed for a prodigy. 
 
 He made me observe, that among the Houyhnhnms, 
 the white, the sorrel, and the iron-grey, were not so 
 exactly shaped as the bay, the dapple-grey, and the 
 ' black ; nor born with equal talents of the mind, or 
 I a capacity to improve them ; and therefore continued 
 I always in the condition of servants, without ever 
 I aspiring to match out of their own race, which in that 
 I country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural. 
 — I made his Honour my most humble acknowledg- 
 ments for the good opinion he was pleased to conceive 
 of me ; but assured him at the same time that my birth 
 was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest 
 parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable 
 education ; that nobility among us was altogether 
 a different thing from the idea he had of it ; that our 
 young noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 305 
 
 and luxury ; that as soon as years will permit, they 
 consume their vigour and contract odious diseases 
 among lewd females ; and when their fortunes are 
 almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, 
 disagreeable person, and unsound constitution, merely 
 for the sake of money, whom they hate and despise. 
 That the productions of such marriages are generally 
 scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children ; by which 
 means the family seldom continues above three genera- 
 tions, unless the wife takes care to provide a healthy 
 father among her neighbours or domestics, in order 
 to improve and continue the breed. That a weak 
 diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow 
 complexion, are the true marks of noble blood ; and 
 a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful in a man 
 of quality, that the world concludes his* real father to 
 have been a groom or a coachman. TEe imperfections 
 of his mind run parallel with those of his body, being 
 a composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, 
 sejasuality and pride. 
 
 / Without the consent of this illustrious body no law i 
 /can be enacted, repealed, or altered ; and these have/ 
 /tae decision of all our possessions without appeal. \ 
 
CHAP. VII 
 
 The Avihor't great love of hia native country. His master's observa- 
 tions upon the constitution and administration of England, as 
 described by the Author, with parallel cases and comparisons. Hia 
 master's observations upon human nature. 
 
 The reader may be disposed to wonder how I could 
 prevail on myself to give so free a representation of 
 my own species, among a race of mortals who were 
 already too apt to conceive the vilest opinion of human 
 kiad, from that_entire congruity betwixt me and their 
 Yahoos. But/l must freely confess that the many 
 virtues of those excellent quadrupeds placed in opposite 
 view to human corruptions, had so far opened my eyes 
 and enlarged my understanding, that I began to view 
 the actions and passions of man in a very different 
 light, and to think the honour of my own kind not 
 worth managing^ which, besides, it was impossible 
 for me to do before a person of so acute a judgement 
 as my master, who daily convinced me of a thousand 
 faults in myself, whereof I had not the least perception 
 before, and which among us would never be numbered 
 even among human infirmities. I had likewise learned 
 from his example an utter detestation of all falsehood 
 or disguise, and truth appeared so amiable to me, that 
 I determined upon sacrificing every thing to it. 
 
 Let me deal so candidly with the reader as to confess 
 that there was yet a much stronger motive for the 
 freedom I took in my representation of things, ri h ad 
 not been a year in this country before I contracted such 
 a love and veneration for the inhabitants, that I entered 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 307 
 
 on a firm resolution never to return to human kin^, but 
 to pass the rest of my life among these admirable 
 Houyhnhnms ia the contemplation and practice of every 
 virtue ; where I could have no example or incitement 
 to vice. But it was decreed by fortune, my perpetual 
 enemy, that so great a felicity should not fall to my share. 
 However, it is now some comfort to reflect that in what 
 I said of my countrymen I extenuated their faults 
 as much as I durst before so strict an examiner, and 
 upon every article gave as favourable a turn as the matter 
 would bear. For indeed who is there alive that will 
 not be swayed by his bias and partiality to the place of 
 his birth ? 
 
 I have related the substance of several conversations 
 I had with my master, during the greatest part of the 
 time I had the honour to be in his service, but have 
 indeed for brevity sake omitted much more than is 
 here set down. 
 
 When I had answered all his questions, and his curiosity 
 seemed to be fully satisfied, he sent for me one morning 
 early, and commanding me to sit down at some distance, 
 (an honour which he had never before conferred upon me) 
 he said he had been very seriously considering my whole 
 story, as far as it related both to myself and my country ; 
 that he looked upon us as a sort of animals to whose 
 share, by what accident he could not conjecture, some 
 small pittance of reason had fallen, whereof we made 
 no other use than by its assistance to aggravate our 
 natural corruptions, and tD,acquire new ones which 
 nature had not given us. {Qiat we disarmed ourselves 
 of the few abilities she had bestowed, had been very 
 . successful in multiplying our original wants, and seemed 
 to spend our whole lives in vain endeavours to supply 
 them by our own inventions^ That as to myseln^ 
 was manifest I had neither the strength or agility of 
 
308 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 a common Yahoo, that I walked infirmly on my hinder 
 feet, had found out a contrivance to make my claws 
 of no use or defence, and to remove the hair from my 
 chin, which was intended as a shelter from the sun and 
 the weatherl Lastly, that I could neither run with 
 speed, nor^mb trees like my brethren (as he called 
 them) the Yahoos in this country. 
 
 That our institutions of government and law were 
 plainly owing to our gross defects in reason, and by 
 consequence, in virtue ; because reason alone is sufficient 
 to govern a rational creature ; which was therefore 
 a character we had no pretence to challenge, even from 
 the account I had given of my own people ; although 
 he manifestly perceived that in order to favour them 
 I had concealed many particulars, and often said the 
 thing which was not. 
 
 He was the more confirmed in this opinion, because 
 he observed that as I agreed in every feature of my body 
 with other Yahoos, except where it was to my real 
 disadvantage in point of strength, speed and activity, 
 the shortness of my claws, and some other particulars 
 where nature had no part ; so from the representation 
 I had given him of our lives, our manners, and our 
 actions, he f ound^s near a resemblance in the disposition 
 of our minds. Cl£e said the Yahoos were known to hate 
 one another more than they did any different species 
 of animals ; and the reason usually assigned was the 
 odiousness of their own shapes, which all could see in 
 the rest, but not in themselves. He had therefore begun 
 to think it not unwise in us to cover our bodies, and by 
 that invention conceal many of our own deformities 
 from each other, which would else be hardly supportable^ 
 But he now found he had been mistaken, and that the 
 dissensions of those brutes in his country were owing 
 to the same cause with ours, as I had described them. 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 309 
 
 JFoi if (said he) you throw among five Yahoos as much 
 food as would be sufficient for fifty, they will, instead 
 of eating peaceably, fall together by^the ears, each 
 single one impatient to have all to its^JfJi and therefore 
 a servant was usually employed to stand by while 
 they were feeding abroad, and those kept at home were 
 tied at a distance from each other : that if a cow died 
 of age or accident, before a Houyhnhnm could secure 
 it for his own Yahoos, those in the neighbourhood 
 would come in herds to seize it, and then would ensue 
 such a battle as I had described, with tenable wounds 
 made by their claws on both sides, although l^ey seldom 
 were able to kill one another, for want of su(jh convenient 
 instruments of death as we had invented* At other 
 times the like battles have been fought between the 
 Yahoos of several neighbourhoods without any visible 
 cause ; those of one district watching all opportunities 
 to surprise the next before they are prepared. But if 
 they find their project hath miscarried, they return 
 home, and, for want of enemies, engage in what I call 
 a civil war among themselves. 
 
 That in some fields of his country there are certain 
 shining stones of several colours, whereof the Yahoos are 
 violently fond, and when part of these stones is fitxed 
 in the earth, as it sometimes happeneth, they will dig 
 with their claws for whole days to get them out, then carry 
 them away, and hide them by heaps in their kennels ; 
 but still looking round with great caution, for fear their 
 comrades should find out their treasure. ^Zfy master 
 said he could never discover the reason of this unnatural 
 appetite, or how these stones could be of any use to 
 a Yahoo ; but now he believed it might proceed from 
 the same principle of avarice which I had ascribed to 
 mankind i that he had once, by way of experiment, 
 privately removed a heap of these stones from the place 
 
310 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 where one of his Yahoos had buried it : whereupon, 
 the sordid animal missing his treasure, by his loud 
 lamenting brought the whole herd to the place, there 
 miserably howled, then fell to biting and tearing the 
 rest, began to pine away, would neither eat nor sleep 
 nor work, till he ordered a servant privately to convey 
 the stones into the same hole and hide them as before ; 
 which when his YaJioo had found, he presently recovered 
 his spirits and good humour, but took good care to 
 remove them to a better hiding-place, and hath ever 
 since been a very serviceable brute. 
 
 My master farther assured me, which I also observed 
 myself, that in the fields where these shining stones 
 abound, the fiercest and most frequent battles are fought, 
 occasioned by perpetual inroads of the neighbouring 
 Yahoos. 
 
 He said it was common when two Yahoos discovered 
 such a stone in a field, and were contending which of 
 them should be the proprietor, a third would take the 
 advantage, and carry it away from them both ; which 
 my master would needs contend to have some kind of 
 resemblance with our suits at law ; wherein I thought 
 it for our credit not to undeceive him ; since the decision 
 he mentioned was much more equitable than many 
 decrees among us ; because the plaintiff and defendant 
 there lost nothing beside the stone they contended for, 
 whereas our courts of equity would never have dismissed 
 the cause while either of them had any thing left. 
 
 My master continuing his discourse, said there was 
 nothing that rendered the Yahoos more odious than their 
 undistinguishing appetite to devour every thing that 
 came in their way, whether herbs, roots, berries, the 
 corrupted flesh of animals, or all mingled together ; 
 and it was peculiar in their temper that they were 
 fonder of what they could get by rapine or stealth at 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 311 
 
 a greater distance than much better food provided for 
 them at home. If their prey held out, they would eat 
 till they were ready to burst, after which nature had 
 pointed out to them a certain root that gave them a 
 general evacuation. 
 
 There was also another kind of root very juicy, but 
 somewhat rare and difficult to be found, which the 
 Tahoos sought for with much eagerness, and would 
 suck it with great delight ; and it produced in them 
 the same effects that wine hath upon us. It would 
 make them sometimes hug, and sometimes tear one 
 another ; they would howl and grin, and chatter, and ( 
 re^ and tumble, and then fall asleep in the dirt. 
 \J[ did indeed observe that the Yahoos wergthe only 
 animals in this country subject to any diseasesi which, 
 however, were much fewer than horses have among us, 
 and contracted not by any iU-treatment they meet with, 
 but by the nastiness and greediness of that sordid brute, 
 *^either has their language any more than a general 
 appellation for those maladies, which is borrowed from 
 the name of the beast, and called Hnea-Tahoo, or the 
 TaJioo's evil, and the cure prescribed is a mixture of 
 their own dung and urine forcibly put down the Tahoo's 
 throat^i This I have since often known to have been 
 taken with success, ajid do freely recommend it to my 
 countrymen, for the public good, as an admirable 
 specific against all diseases produced by repletion. 
 
 As to lea rnin g, government, arts, manufactures, and 
 the Kke, my master confessed he could find little or no 
 resemblance between the Yahoos of that country and 
 those in ours. For he only meant to observe what 
 parity there was in our natures. He had heard indeed 
 some curious Houyhnhnms observe that in most herds 
 there was a sort of ruling Yahoo (as among us there is 
 generally some leading or principal stag in a park), who 
 
812 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 was always more deformed in body and mischievous in 
 disposition than any of the rest. That this leader had 
 usually a favourite as like himself as he coiild get, whose 
 employment was to lick his master's feet and posteriors, 
 and drive the female Yahoos to his kennel ; for which he 
 was now and then rewarded with a piece of ass's flesh. 
 This favourite is hated by the whole herd, and therefore 
 to protect himself, keeps always near the person of his 
 leader. He usually continues in office till a worse can 
 be found ; but the very moment he is discarded, his 
 successor, at the head of aU the Yahoos in that district, 
 young and old, male and female, come in a body, and 
 discharge their excrements upon him from head to 
 foot. But how far this might be appHcable to our 
 courts and favourites, and ministers of state, my master 
 said I could best determine. 
 
 I durst make no return to this malicious insinuation, 
 which debased human understanding below the sagacity 
 of a common hound, who has judgement enough to 
 distinguish and follow the cry of the ablest dog in the 
 pack, without being ever mistaken, 
 ^ly master told me there were some qualities remark- 
 able LQ the Yahoos, which he had not observed me to 
 mention, or at least verv slightly, in the accounts I had 
 given him of human kin^ He said those animals, like 
 other brutes, had their females in common ; but in 
 this they differed, that the she Yahoo would admit 
 the male while she was pregnant ; and that the hees 
 would quarrel and fight with the females as fiercely as 
 with each other. Both which practices were such 
 degrees of brutahty, that no other sensitive creature 
 ever arrived at. 
 
 Another thing he wondered at in the Yahoos was their 
 strange disposition to nastiness and dirt, whereas there 
 appears to be a natural love of cleanliness in all other 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHITOS 313 
 
 animals. As to the former accusation, I was glad 
 to let it pass without any reply, because I had not 
 a word to offer upon it in defence of my species, which 
 otherwise I certainly had done from my own inclinations. 
 But I could have easily vindicated human kind from the 
 imputation of singularity upon the last article, if there 
 had been any swine in that country (as unluckily for 
 me there were not), which although it may be a sweeter 
 quadruped than a Yahoo, cannot I humbly conceive in 
 justice pretend to more cleanliness ; and so his Honour 
 himself must have owned, if he had seen their filthy 
 way of feeding, and their custom of wallowing and 
 sleeping in the mud. 
 
 My master likewise mentioned another quality which 
 his servants had discovered in several Yahoos, and to 
 him was wholly unaccountable. He said, a fancy would 
 sometimes take a Yahoo to retire into a corner, to lie 
 down and howl and groan, and spurn away all that 
 came near him, although he were young and fat, wanted 
 neither food nor water ; nor did the servants imagine 
 what could possibly ail him. And the only remedy 
 they found was to set him to hard work, after which 
 he would infallibly come to himself. To this I was sUent 
 out of partiality to my own kind ; yet here I could 
 plainly discover the true seeds of spleen, which only 
 seizeth on the lazy, the luxxu:ious, and the rich ; who, if 
 they were forced to undergo the same regimen, I would 
 undertake for the cure. 
 
 His Honour had further observed that a female 
 Yahoo would often stand behind a bank or a bush, to 
 gaze on the young males passing by, and then appear, 
 and hide, using many antic gestures and grimaces, at 
 which time it was observed that she had a most offensive 
 smell ; and when any of the males advanced, would slowly 
 retire, looking often back, and with a counterfeit show 
 
314 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 of fear, run off into some convenient place where she 
 knew the male would foUow her. 
 
 At other times if a female stranger came among 
 them, three or four of her own sex would get about her, 
 and stare and chatter, and grin, and smell her all over ; 
 and then turn off with gestures that seemed to express 
 contempt and disdain. 
 
 Perhaps my master might refine a little in these 
 speculations, which he had drawn from what he observed 
 himself, or had been told him by others ; however, 
 I could not reflect without some amazement, and much 
 sorrow, that the rudiments of coquetry, censure, and 
 scandal, should have place by instinct in womankind. 
 
 I expected every moment that my master would 
 accuse the Yahoos of those unnatural appetites in both 
 sexes, so common among us. But nature, it seems, 
 hath not been so expert a school-mistress ; and these 
 poKter pleasures are entirely the productions of art 
 and reason, on our side of the globe. 
 
CHAP. VIII 
 
 Tht Avihor relates several particulars of the Yahoos. The rp-eat virtues 
 of the Houyhnhnm s. The educaiion and exercises oj their youth. 
 Their general assembly. 
 
 As I ought to have understood human nature much 
 better than I supposed it possible for my master to do, 
 so it was easy to apply the character he gave of the 
 Yahoos to myself and my countrymen ; and I believed 
 I could yet make farther discoveries from my own 
 observation. I therefore often begged his favour to 
 let me go among the herds of Yahoos in the neighbour- 
 hood, to which he always very graciously consented, 
 being perfectly convinced that the hatred I bore those 
 brutes would never suffer me to be corrupted by them ; 
 and his Honour ordered one of his servants, a strong 
 sorrel nag, very honest and good-natured, to be my 
 guard, without whose protection I durst not undertake 
 such adventures. For I have already told the reader 
 how much I was pestered by those odious animals upon 
 my first arrival. And I afterwards failed very narrowly 
 three or four times of falling into their clutches, when 
 I happenqi.t^istray at any distance without my hanger. 
 And I have reason to believe they had some imagination 
 that I was of their own species, which I often assisted 
 myself, by stripping up my sleeves, and showing my 
 naked arms and breast in their sight, when my pro- 
 tector was with me. At which times they would ap- 
 proach as near as they durst, and imitate my actions 
 after the manner of monkeys, but ever with great signs 
 of hatred ; as a tame jack-daw with cap and stockings 
 is always persecuted by the wild ones, when he happens 
 to be got among them. 
 
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 They are prodigiously nimble from their infancy ; 
 however, I once caught a young male of three years old, 
 and endeavoured by all marks of tenderness to make 
 it quiet ; but the little imp fell a squaOing and scratch- 
 ing and biting with such violence that I was forced to 
 let it go ; and it was high time, for a -whole troop of old 
 ones came about us at the noise, but finding the cub 
 was safe (for away it ran), and my sorrel nag being by, 
 they durst not venture near us. I observed the young 
 animal's flesh to smell very rank, and the stink was 
 somewhat between a weasel and a fox, but much more 
 disagreeable. I forgot another circumstance (and per- 
 haps I might have the reader's pardon if it were wholly 
 omitted), that while I held the odious vermin in my 
 hands, it voided its filthy excrements of a yeUow liquid 
 substance, aU over my clothes ; but by good fortune 
 there was a small brook.hard by, where I washed myself 
 as clean as I could ;£jIthough I durst not com^_mto 
 my,jnaster's presence, until I were sufficiently air.ed.^ 
 /By what I could discover, the Yahoos appear to be 
 the most unteachable of all animals, their capacities 
 never reaching higher than to draw or carry burd ensi] 
 Yet I am of opinion this delect ariseth chieily from a 
 perverse, restive disposition. For they are cunning, 
 malicious, treacherous, and revengeful. J^Bf a.re strong 
 and hardy, but of a cowardly spirit, and by consequence, 
 insolent, abject, and cruel. It is observed that the 
 red-haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mis- 
 chievous than the rest, whom yet they much exceed in 
 strength and activity. 
 ^lim-Houyhohams keep-the Y ahoos for pres gDluis&4a 
 huta not far frnm the hn^ ian ; Vmt. t.t^a rpst, arp. gpnt ahrnaA 
 to certain fields, where they dig up roots, eart-severaL 
 kinds of herbs, and search about for carrion, or-sometimes 
 catch weasels and luhimuhs (a sort of wjldjat), w hich 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 317 
 
 they greedily devour. Nature hath taught them to dig 
 deep holes with their nails on the side of a rising ground, 
 wherein they lie by themselves ; only the kennels of 
 the females are larger, sufficient to hold two or three 
 cub^ 
 
 They swim from their infancy like frogs, and are able 
 to continue long under water, where they often take 
 fish, which the females carry home to their young. 
 And upon this occasion, I hope the reader will pardon 
 my relating an odd adventure. 
 
 Being one day abroad with my protector the sorrel 
 nag, and the weather exceeding hot, I entreated him 
 to let me bathe in a river that was near. He consented, 
 and I immediately stripped myself stark naked, and 
 went down softly into the stream. It happened that 
 a young female Yahoo, standing behind a bank, saw 
 the whole proceeding, and inflamed by desire, as the 
 nag and I conjectured, came running with all speed, 
 and leaped into the water, within five yards of the 
 place where I bathed. I was never in my life so terribly 
 frighted ; the nag was grazing at some distance, not 
 suspecting any harm. She embraced me after a most 
 fulsome manner ; I roared as loud as I could, and the 
 nag came galloping towards me, whereupon she quitted 
 her grasp, with the utmost reluctancy, and leaped upon 
 the opposite bank, where she stood gazing and howling 
 aUjJie time I was putting on my clothes. 
 
 [This was matter of diversion to my master and 
 his family, as well as of mortification to myself. For 
 now I could no longer deny that I was a real Yahoo 
 in every limb and feature, since the females had a 
 natural propensity to me, as one of their own speci^^ 
 Neither was the hair of this brute of a red colour (which 
 might have been some excuse for an appetite a little 
 irregular), but black as a sloe, and her countenance did 
 
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 not make an appearance altogether so hideous as the 
 rest of the kind ; for, I think, she could not be above 
 eleven years old. 
 
 Having lived three years in this country, the reader 
 I suppose will expect that I should, like other travellers, 
 give him some account of the manners and customs of 
 its inhabitants, which it was indeed my principal study 
 tojeam. 
 
 /As these noble Houyhnhnms are endowed by nature 
 wTHi a general disposition to all virtues, and have no 
 conceptions or ideas of what is evil in a rational creature, 
 so their grand maxim is to cultivate reason, and to be 
 wholly governed by it?\ Neither is reason among them 
 a point problematicaFas with us, where men can argue 
 with plausibility on both sides of the question ; but 
 strikes you with immediate conviction ; as it must needs 
 do where it is not mingled, obscured, or discoloured by 
 passion and interest. L ^ j emember it was with extreme 
 difficulty that I could bring my master to understand 
 the meaning of the word opinion, or how a point could 
 be disputable ; because reason taught us to affirm or 
 deny only where we are certain, and beyogd our know- 
 ledge we cannot do eith^J> So that /controversies, 
 wranglings, disputes, and positiveness in false or dubious 
 propositions, are evils unknown among the Houyhn- 
 hnmsNj In the like manner when I used to explain to 
 him our several systems of natural philosophy, he would 
 laugh that a creature pretending to reason should value 
 itself upon the knowledge of other people's conjectures, 
 and in things where that knowledge, if it were certain, 
 could be of no use. Wherein he agreed entirely with the 
 sentiments of Socrates, as Plato delivers them ', which 
 I mention as the highest honour I can do that prince 
 of philosophers. I have often since reflected what 
 destruction such a doctrine would make in the libraries 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOXJYHNHNMS 319 
 
 of Europe, and how many paths to fame would be then 
 shut up in the learned world, r-^ cv^m,T i\}^\yji( V^ 
 /Fri endship and benevolence are the two principal 
 virtues among the Houyhnhnms^nd these not confined 
 to particular objects, but universal to the whole race. 
 (For a stranger from the remotest part is equally treated 
 with the nearest neighbour, and wherever he goes looks 
 upon himself as at homeTA They preserve decency and 
 
 civility in the lughest degrees, but are altogether ignorant 
 of ceremony. jThey have no fondness for their colt s or 
 foals, but the caretEey take in^ducatmg them pro- 
 
 iatmg \ 
 
 ceeds entirely frogi^the dictates of reason. \And I ob- 
 served my master to show the same afiection^to his 
 neighbour's issue that he had for his own. ffhey will 
 have it that nature teaches them to love me whole 
 species, and it is reason only that maketh a distin cti on 
 of persons, where there is a superior degree of virtueJ 
 
 When the matron Houyhnhnms have produced one 
 of each sex, they no longer accompany with their 
 consorts, except they lose one of their issue by some 
 casualty, which very seldom happens ; but in such a 
 case they meet again ; or when the like accident befalls 
 a person whose wife is past bearing, some other couple 
 bestow him one of their own colts, and then go together 
 again till the mother is pregnant. This caution is 
 necessary to prevent the country from being over- 
 burthened with numbers. But the race of inferior 
 Houyhnhnms bred up to be servants is not so strictly 
 limited upon this article ; these are allowed to produce 
 three of each sex, to be domestics in the noble families. 
 VJn: their marriages they are exactly careful to choose 
 BwcE^colours as will not make any disagreeable mixture 
 in the breed .*^ Strength is chiefly valued in the male, 
 and comeliness in the female ; not upon the account of 
 love, but to preserve the race from degenerating ; for 
 
320 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 Jwhere a female happens to excel in strength, a consort 
 TB chosen with regard to oomelineys. Courtship, love, 
 presents, jointures, settlements, have no place in their 
 thoughts, or terms wherehy to express them in their 
 language. The young couple meet and are joined, 
 merely because it is the determination of their parents 
 and friends : it is what they see done every day, and 
 they look upon it as one of the necessary actions of a 
 rational being. But the violation of marriage, or any 
 other unchastity, was never heard of ; and the married 
 pair pass their lives with the same friendship and mutual 
 benevolence that they bear to all others of the same 
 species who come in their way ; without jealousy, 
 fondness, quarrelling, or discontent. 
 
 In educating the youth of both sexes, their method 
 is admirable, and highly deserves our imitation. These 
 are not sufiered to taste a grain of oats, except upon 
 certain days, till eighteen years old ; nor milk, but very 
 rarely ; and in summer they graze two hours in the 
 morning, and as long in the evening, which their parents 
 likewise observe ; but the servants are not allowed 
 above half that time, and a great part of their grass is 
 brought home, which they eat at the most convenient 
 hours, when they can be best spared from work. 
 
 Temperance, industry, exercise and cleanliness, are 
 the lessons equally enjoined to the young ones of both 
 sexes ; and my master thought it monstrous in us to 
 give the females a diSerent kind of education from the 
 males,^xcept in some articles of domestic managernegtS; 
 wherebyT^s he truly observed, one half of our natives 
 were good for nothing but bringing children into the 
 world ; and to trust the care of our children to such 
 useless animals, he said, was yet a greater instance of 
 brutality. 
 
 But the Houyhnhnms train up their youth to strength, 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 321 
 
 jspeed, and hardiness, by exercising them in running 
 Taces up and down steep hills, and over hard stony- 
 grounds ; and when they are all in a sweat, they are 
 ordered to leap over head and ears into a pond or river. 
 Four times a year the youth of a certain district meet 
 to show their proficiency in running and leaping, and 
 other feats of strength and agilitvi where the victor 
 is rewarded with a song made in ms or her praise. On 
 this festival the servants drive a herd of Yahoos into 
 the field, laden with hay and oats and mUk, for a repast 
 to the Houyhnhnms ; after which these brutes are 
 immediately driven back again, for fear of being noisome 
 to the assembly. 
 
 Every fourth year, at the vernal equinox, there is 
 a representative council of the whole nation, which 
 meets in a plain about twenty miles from our house, 
 _ and continues about five or six days. Here they enquire 
 into the state and condition of the several districts ; 
 whether they abound or be deficient in hay or oats, or 
 cows or Yahoos. And wherever there is any want 
 (which is but seldom) it is immediately supplied by 
 unanimous consent and contribution. Here likewise 
 the regulation of children is settled : as for instance, 
 if a Houyhnhnm hath two males, he changeth one of 
 them with another that hath two females ; and when 
 a child hath been lost by any casualty, where the 
 mother is past breeding, it is determined what family 
 in the district shall breed another to supply the loss. 
 
 H 
 
CHAP. IX 
 
 A grand debate at the general assembly of tJte HouyJinhnme, and how 
 it was determined. The learnitig of the Houyhnhnma. Their 
 buildings. Their manner of burials. Tlie defectiveness of their 
 language. 
 
 One of these grand assemblies was held in my time, 
 about three months before my departure, whither my 
 master went as the representative of our district. In 
 this council was resumed their old debate, and indeed, 
 the only debate which ever happened in that country ; 
 whereof my master after his return gave me a very 
 pa^jbicular account. 
 
 (The question to be debated was whether the Yahoos 
 should be exterminated from the face of the e artSTy 
 One of the members for the affirmative offered several 
 arguments of great strength and weight, alleging that 
 as the Yahoos were the most filthy, noisome, and de- 
 formed animal which nature ever produced, so they 
 were the most restive and indocible, mischievous and 
 malicious : they would privately suck the teats of the 
 Houyhnhnma' cows, kill and devour their cats, trample 
 down their oats and grass, if they were not contin- 
 ually watched, and commit a thousand other extrava- 
 gancies. He took notice of a general tradition, that 
 Yahoos had not been always in that country ; but 
 that many ages ago two of these brutes appeared 
 together upon a mountain, whether produced by the 
 heat of the sun upon corrupted mud and slime, or from 
 the ooze and froth of the sea, was never known. That 
 these Yahoos engendered, and their brood in a short 
 time grew so numerous as to over-run and infest the 
 whole nation. That the Houyhnhnms to get rid of this 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 323 
 
 evil, made a general hunting, and at last enclosed the 
 whole herd ; and destroying the elder, every Houy- 
 hnhnm kept two young ones in a kennel, and brought 
 them to such a degree of tameness, as an animal so 
 savage by nature can be capable of acquiring ; using 
 them for draught and carriage. That there seemed to 
 be much truth in this tradition, and that those creatures 
 could not be Ylnhniatnahy (or aborigines of the land), 
 because of the violent hatred the Houyhnhnms, as well 
 as all other animals, bore them ; which although their 
 evil disposition sufficiently deserved, could never have 
 arrived at so high a degree, if they had been aborigines, 
 or else they would have long since been rooted out. 
 That the inhabitants taking a fancy to use the service 
 of the Yahoos, had very imprudently neglected to culti- 
 vate the breed of asses, which were a comely animal, 
 easily kept, more tame and orderly, without any offen- 
 sive smell, strong enough for labour, although they 
 yield to the other in agility of body ; and if their bray- 
 ing be no agreeable sound, it is far preferable to the 
 horrible bowlings of the Yahoos. 
 
 Several others declared their sentiments to the same 
 purpose, when my master proposed an expedient to the 
 assembly, whereof he had indeed borrowed the hint 
 from me. He approved of the tradition mentioned by 
 the honourable member who spoke before, and affirmed 
 that the two Yahoos said to be first seen, among them 
 had been driven thither over the sea ;^[uiat coming to 
 land and being forsaken by their companions they 
 retired to the mountains, and degenerating by degrees, 
 became in process of time, much more savage than those 
 of their own species in the country from whence these 
 two originals came. I The reason of his assertion was 
 that he had now m his possession a certain wonderful 
 Yahoo (meaning myself), which most of them had heard 
 
324 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 of, and many of them had seen. He then related to 
 them how he first found me ; that my body was all 
 covered with an artificial composure of the skins and 
 hairs of other animals ; that I spoke in a language of 
 my own, and had thoroughly learned theirs ; that I 
 had related to him the accidents which brought me 
 thither ; that when he saw me without my covering 
 I was an exact Yahoo in every part, only of a whiter 
 colour, less hairy, and with shorter claws. He added 
 how I had endeavoured to persuade him that in my 
 own and other countries the Yahoos acted as the govern- 
 ing, rational animal, and held the Houyhnhnms in ser- 
 vitude ; that he observed in me all the qualities of a 
 Yahoo, only a little more civilized by some tincture of 
 reason, which however was in a degree as far inferior 
 to the Houyhnhnm race as the Yahoos of their country 
 were to me ; that among other things I mentioned 
 a custom we had of castrating Houyhnhnms when 
 they were young, in order to render them tame ; that 
 the' operation was easy and safe ; that it was no shame 
 to learn wisdom from brutes, as industry is taught by 
 the ant, and building by the swallow. (For so I trans- 
 late the word lyhannh, although it be a much larger 
 fowlJv'^That this invention might be practised upon 
 tEe younger Yahoos here, which, besides rendering 
 them tractable and fitter for use, would in an age 
 put an end to the whole species without destroying 
 Kfe. That in the mean time the Houyhnhnms should 
 be exhorted to cultivate the breed of asses, which, as 
 they are in all respects more valuable brutes, so they 
 have this advantage, to be fit for service at five years 
 old, which the others are not till twelve. 
 
 This was all my master thought fit to tell me at that 
 time of what passed in the grand council. But he was 
 pleased to conceal one particular, which related per- 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 325 
 
 sonally to myself, whereof I soon felt the unhappy 
 effect, as the reader will know in its proper place, and 
 from whence I date all the succeeding misfortunes of 
 my life. 
 
 The Houyhnhnms have no letters, and consequently 
 their knowledge is all traditional. But there happening 
 few events of any moment among a people so well united, 
 naturally disposed to every virtue, wholly governed by 
 reason, and cut ofi from all commerce with other nations, 
 the historical part is easily preserved without burthening 
 their memories. I have already observed that they are 
 subject to no diseases, and therefore can have no need 
 of physicians. However, they have excellent medicines 
 composed of herbs, to cure accidental bruises and cuts 
 in the pastern or frog of the foot by sharp stones, as 
 well as other maims and hurts in the several paxts of 
 the body. 
 
 They calculate the year by the revolution of the sun 
 and the moon, but use no subdivisions into weeks. They 
 are well enough acquainted with the motions of those 
 two luminaries, and understand the nature of eclipses ; 
 and this is the utmost progress of their astronomy. 
 
 In poetry they must be allowed to excel aU other 
 joortals ; wherein the justness of their similes, and the 
 minuteness, as well as exactness of their descriptions, 
 aje indeed inimitable. Their verses abound very much 
 in both of these, and usually contain either some exalted 
 notions of friendship and benevolence, or the praises 
 of those who were victors in races and other bodily 
 exercises. Their build ings, aJthough very nide and 
 simple, aje not inconvenient, but well contrived to 
 defend them from aU injuries of cold and heat. They 
 have a kind of tree, which at forty years old loosens in 
 the root, and falls with the first storm : they grow very 
 straight, and being pointed like stakes with a sharp 
 
326 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 stone (for the Houyhnhnms know not the use of iron), 
 they stick them erect in the ground about ten inches 
 asunder, and then weave in oat-straw, or sometimes 
 wattles betwixt them. The roof is made after the same 
 manner, and so are the doors. 
 
 The Houyhnhnms use the hollow part between the 
 pastern and the hoof of their fore-feet as we do our 
 hands, and this with greater dexterity than I could at 
 first imagine. I have seen a white mare of our family 
 thread a needle (which I lent her on purpose) with that 
 joint. They milk their cows, reap their oats, and do 
 all the work which requires hands, in the same manner. 
 They have a kind of hard flints, which by grinding 
 against other stones, they form into instruments, that 
 serve instead of wedges, axes, and hammers. With 
 tools made of these flints they likewise cut their hay 
 and reap their oats, which there groweth naturally in 
 several fields : the Yahoos draw home the sheaves in 
 carriages, and the servants tread them in certain covered 
 huts, to get out the grain, which is kept in stores. They 
 make a rude kind of earthen and wooden vessels, and 
 bake the former in the sun. 
 
 If they can avoid casualties, they die only of old age, 
 and are buried in the obscurest places that can be 
 found, their friends and relations expressing neither joy 
 nor grief at their departure ; nor does the dying person 
 discover the least regret that he is leaving the world, 
 any more than if he were upon returning home from a 
 , visit to one of his neighbours. I remember my master 
 having once made an appointment with a friend and 
 his family to come to his house upon some affair of 
 importance, on the day fixed the mistress and her two 
 children came very late ; she made two excuses, first 
 for her husband, who, as she said, happened that very 
 morning to shnuwnh. The word is strongly expressive 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHXEXIIS 327 
 
 in their lans^age, bat not easily rendered into English ; 
 it signifies,^o_reiiins to his first mother. Her excuse for 
 not coming Eooner was that her husband dying late in 
 the morning, she was a good while consnlting her ser- 
 vants abont a convenient place where his body should 
 be laid ; and I observed she behaved herself ai our house 
 ;.s cheerfully as the rest, and died about th ree months . 
 after. ' 
 
 T'ney live generally to seventy or seventy -five years, 
 Tery seldom to fourscore : some weeis before their 
 death they feel a gradual decay, but without pain. 
 During this time they are much visited by their friends, 
 because they cannot go abroad with their usual ease 
 and satkfactioiL However, about ten dovs before their 
 death, which they seldom fail in computing, they return 
 the visitB that have been made them by those who 
 are nearest in the nei^bourhood, being carried in a 
 conveaient sledge drawn by Yahoos : \rhioh vehicle they 
 nse, not only upon this occasion, but wh^i they grow 
 old, upon long journeys, or when they are lamed by 
 any accident. And therefcre when the dying Houy- 
 Lnhnnis return those visits, they take a solemn leave 
 of their triends, as if they were going to some remote 
 part of the country, where they designed to pass the 
 rest of their lives. 
 
 I know not whether it may be worth observing that 
 tiie Hcuyhnhnnis have no ward in their language to 
 e3OTes any thing that is evil, except what they borrow 
 from the defomiiries or ill qnaUties of the Yahoos. 
 Thus they denote the fclly of a servunr, an omission 
 of a ch£d. a stone that cuts thei: feet, a continnancs 
 of foni or cnseas-^nable weather, and the like, by adding 
 to each the epithet of Yahoo. For instance, Hkm» 
 Tahoo, Wknakoim, Taioo, TnthmitdisiiJma Yaioo, and 
 an ai-contedTed Louse TK^.c'.rn.-.nrr.rQMir.'j: Yakso. 
 
328 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 I could with great pleasure enlarge further upon the 
 manners and virtues of this excellent people ; but 
 intending in a short time to publish a volume by itself 
 expressly upon that subject, I refer the reader thither, 
 and in the mean time, proceed to relate my own sad 
 catastrophe. 
 
CHAP. X 
 
 The Author's economy, and happy life among the Houyhnhnms. His 
 great improvement in virtue, iy conversing with them. Their con- 
 versations. The Author has notice given him by his master that 
 he ■must depart from the country. He falls into a swoon for grief, 
 hut submits. He contrives and finishes a canoe, hy the help of a 
 fellow-servant, and puts to sea at a venture. 
 
 I HAD settled my little economy to my own heart's con- 
 tent. My master had ordered a room to be made for 
 me after their manner, about six yards from the house ; 
 the sides and floors of which I plastered with clay, and 
 covered with rush-mats of my own contriving ; I had 
 beaten hemp, which there grows wild, and made of it 
 a sort of ticking ; this I fiUed with the feathers of several 
 birds I had taken with springes made of Yahoos' hairs, 
 and were excellent food. I had worked two chairs with 
 my knife, the sorrel nag helping me in the grosser and 
 more laborious part. When my clothes were worn to 
 rags, I made myself others with the skins of rabbits, and 
 of a certain beautiful animal about the same size, called 
 nnuhnoh, the skin of which is covered with a fine down. 
 Of these I likewise made very tolerable stockings. I soled 
 my shoes with wood which I cut from a tree and fitted 
 to the upper leather, and when this was worn out, 
 I supplied it with the skins of Yahoos dried in the sun. 
 I often got honey out of hollow trees^ which I mingled 
 with water, or ate with my bread. H^o man could more 
 verify the truth of these two maxims. That nature is very 
 easily satisfied ; and That necessity is the mother oj 
 inventi^;^ I enjoyed perfect health of body, and tran- 
 quillity of mind ; I did not feel the treachery or incon- 
 etancy of a friend, nor the injuries of a secret or open 
 
330 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 enemy. I had no occasion of bribing, flattering, or 
 pimping to procure the favour of any great man or of 
 his minion. I wanted no fence against fraud or oppres- 
 sion ; Aere was neither physician to destroy my body, 
 noi: lawyer to ruin my fortuney no informer to watch 
 my words and actions, or forge accusations against me 
 for hire ; here were no gibers, censurers, backbiters, 
 pickpockets, highwaymen, housebreakers, attorneys, 
 bawds, buffoons, gamesters, politicians, wits, splenetics, 
 tedious talkers, controvertists, ravishers, murderers, 
 robbers, virtuosos ; no leaders or followers of party 
 and faction ; no encouragers to vice, by seducement 
 or examples ; no dungeon, axes, gibbets, whipping- 
 posts, or piUories ; no cheating shopkeepers or me- 
 chanics ; no pride, vanity, or afiEectation ; no fops, 
 bullies, drunkards, strolUng whores, or poxes ; no 
 ranting, lewd, expensive wives ; no stupid, proud 
 pedants ; no importunate, overbearing, quarrelsome, 
 noisy, roaring, empty, conceited, swearing companions ; 
 no scoundrels, raised from the dust for the sake of 
 their vices, or nobility thrown into it on account of 
 their virtues ; no lords, fiddlers, judges, or dancing- 
 masters. 
 
 I had the favour of being admitted to several Houyhn- 
 hnms, who came to visit or dine with my master ; where 
 his Honour graciously suffered me to wait in the 
 room, and listen to their discourse. Both he and his 
 company would often descend to ask me questions, 
 and receive my answers. I had also sometimes the 
 honour of attending my master in his visits to others. 
 I never presumed to speak, except in answer to 
 a .question ; and then I did it with inward regret, 
 because it was a loss of so much time for improving 
 myself ; but ''^ was infinitely delighted with the 
 station of an humble auditor in such conversations, 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 331 
 
 where nothing passed but what waguseful, expressed in 
 the fewest and most significant wordsjf where the greatest 
 decency was observed, without the least degree of cere- 
 mony ; where no person spoke without being pleased 
 himself, and pleasing his companions ; where there 
 was no interruption, tediousness, heat, or difference of 
 sentiments. They have a notion that when people are 
 met together, a short silence doth much improve con- 
 versation : this I found to be true i for during those 
 little intermissions of talk, new ideas would arise in 
 their thoughts, which very much enlivened the discourse. 
 Their subjects are generally on friendship and benevo- 
 lence, or order and economy ; sometimes upon the visible 
 operations of nature, or ancient traditions ; upon the 
 bounds and limits of virtue ; upon the unerring rules of 
 reason, or upon some determinations to be taken at the 
 next great assembly ; and often upon the various excel- 
 lencies of poetry. I may add without vanity that my 
 presence often gave them sufficient matter for discourse, 
 because it afforded my master an occasion of letting his 
 friends into the history of me and my country, upon 
 which they were all pleased to descant in a manner not 
 very advantageous to human kind ; and for that reason 
 I shall not repeat what they said : only I may be allowed 
 to observe that his Honour, to my great admiration, 
 appeared to understand the nature of Yahoos in all 
 countries much better than myself. He went through 
 all our vices and follies, and discovered many whiish I had 
 never mentioned to him, by only supposing what (qualities 
 a Yahoo of their country, with a small proportion at 
 reason, might be capable of exerting ; and concluded, 
 with too much probability, how vile as well as miserable 
 such a creature must be. 
 
 I freely confess that all the little knowledge I have of 
 any value was acquired by the lectures I received from 
 
332 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 my master, and from hearing the discourses of him and 
 his friends ; to which I should be prouder to listen than 
 to dictate to the greatest and wisest assembly in Europe. 
 I admired the strength, comeliness, and speed of the 
 inhabitants ; and such a constellation of virtues in such 
 amiable persons produced in me the highest veneration. 
 At first, indeed, I did not feel that natural awe which the 
 Yahoos and all other animals bear towards them ; but it 
 grew upon me by degrees, much sooner than I imagined, 
 and was mingled with a respectful love and gratitude, 
 that they would condescend to distinguish me from the 
 raefe of my species. 
 
 ]When I thought of my family, my friends, my country- 
 men, or human race in general, I considered them as 
 they really were. Yahoos in shape and disposition, per- 
 haps a little more civilized, and qualified with the gift 
 of speech, but making no other use of reason than to im- 
 prove and multiply those vices whereof their brethren 
 in this country had only the share that nature allotted 
 them!^ When I happened to behold the reflection of my 
 own form in a lake or fountain, I turned away my face 
 in horror and detestation of myself, and could better , 
 endure thei sight of a common Yahoo than of my own 
 person. <^y conversing with the Houyhnhnms, and look- 
 ling upon them with delight,! fell to imitate their gait and 
 gesture, which is now grown into an habit, and my 
 friends often tell me in a blunt way, that I trot Ijke 
 /a horse ; which, however, I take for a great complimfiGj^ 
 ( Neither shall I disown that in speaking I am apt to fall into 
 the voice and manner of the Houyhnhnms, and hear myself 
 ridiculed on that account without the least mortification. 
 Li the midst of all this happiness, and when I looked 
 upon myself to be fully settled for life, my master sent for 
 me one morning a little earlier than his usual hour. 
 I observed by his countenance that he was in some 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 333 
 
 perplexity, and at a loss how to begin what he had to 
 speak. /Afte r a short silence he told me he did not know 
 how I would take what he was going to say ; that in the 
 last general assembly, when the affair of the Yahoos was 
 entered upon, the representatives had taken oJEEence at 
 his keeping a Yahoo (meaning myself) in his family more 
 like a Houyhnhnm than a brute anim^^ That he was 
 known frequently to converse with me, as if he could 
 receive some advantage or pleasure in my company ; 
 that such a practice was not agreeable to reason or 
 iiature, nor a thing never heard of before among them. 
 ' The assembly did therefore exhort him, either to employ 
 me like the rest of my species, or command me to swim 
 back to the place from whence I camgij That the first 
 of these expedients was utterly rejected by all the 
 Houyhnhnms who had ever seen me at his house or theit 
 own : for they alleged that because I had some rudi- 
 ments of reason, added to the natural pravity of those 
 animals, it was to be feared I might be able to seduce 
 them into the woody and mountainous parts of the 
 country, and bring them in troops by night to destroy the 
 Houyhnhnms' cattle, as being naturally of the ravenous 
 kind, and averse from labour. 
 
 My master added that he was daily pressed by the 
 Houyhnhnmsof the neighbourhood to have the assembly's 
 exhortation executed, which he could not put off much 
 longer. He doubted it would be impossible for me to 
 swim to another country, and therefore wished I would 
 contrive some sort of vehicle resembling those I had 
 described to him, that might carry me on the sea ; in 
 which work I should have the assistance of his own 
 servants, as well as those of his neighbours. He con- 
 cluded that for his own part he could have been content 
 to keep me in his service as long as I lived ; because 
 he found I had cured myself of some bad habits and 
 
334 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 dispositions, by endeavouring, as far as my inferior 
 nature was capable, to imitate the Houyhnhnms. 
 
 I should here observe to the reader, that a decree of 
 the general assembly in this country is expressed by the 
 word hnhloayn, which signifies an exhortation, as near 
 as I can render it ; for they have no conception how 
 a rational creature can be compelled, but only advised 
 or exhorted, because no person can disobey reason with- 
 out giving up his claim to be a rational creature. 
 
 I was struck with the utmost grief and despair at my 
 master's discourse, and being unable to support the 
 agonies I was under, I fell into a swoon at his feet ; when 
 I came to myself he told me that he concluded I had been 
 dead (for thesg people are subject to no such imbecilities 
 of nature), ri answered in a faint voice that death would 
 have been tCo great an happiness^, that although I could 
 not blame the assembly's exhortation, or the urgency 
 of his friends, yet, in my weak and corrupt judgment, 
 I thought it might consist with reason to have been less 
 rigorous. That I could not swim a league, and probably 
 the nearest land to theirs might be distant above an 
 hundred ; that many materials, necessary for making 
 a small vessel to carry me off, were wholly wanting in this 
 country, which, however, I would attempt in obedience 
 and gratitude to his Honour, although I concluded the 
 thing to be impossible, and therefore /ledked on myself 
 as abeady devoted to destruction. \H*at the certain 
 prospect of an unnatural death was the least of my evils ; 
 for supposing I should escape with life by some strange 
 adventure, how could I think with temper of passing my 
 days among Yahoos, and relapsing into my old corrup- 
 / tions, for want of examples to lead and keep me within 
 l^the paths of virtue^ That I knew too well upon what 
 -solid reasons all the determinations of the wise Houyhn- 
 hnms were founded, not to be shaken by arguments 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 335 
 
 of mine, a miserable Yahoo ; and therefore, after pre- 
 senting him with my humble thanks for the offer of his 
 servants' assistance in making a vessel, and desiring 
 a reasonable time for so difficult a work, I told him I 
 would endeavour to preserve a wretched being ; and if 
 ever I returned to England, was not without hopes of 
 being useful to my own species by celebrating the praises 
 of the renowned Houyhnhnms, and proposing their 
 virtues to the imitation of mankind. 
 
 My master in a few words made me a very gracious 
 reply, allowed me the space of two months to finish my 
 boat ; and ordered the sorrel nag, my fellow-servant 
 (for so at this distance I may presume to call him) to 
 follow my instructions, because I told my master that 
 his help would be sufficient, and I knew he had a tender- 
 ness for me. 
 
 In his company my first business was to go to that part 
 of the coast where my rebellious crew had ordered me to 
 be set on shore. I got upon a height, and looking on 
 every side into the sea, fancied I saw a small island 
 towards the north-east : (I took out my pocket-glass, 
 and could then clearly dis^guish it about five leagues 
 off, as I computed ; but it appeared to the sorrel nag 
 to be only a blue cloud ; for as he had no conception of 
 any country beside his own, so he could not be as erpert 
 in distinguishing remote objects at sea as we who so 
 much converse in that elemciiifca 
 
 After I had discovered this island, I considered no 
 farther ; but resolved it should, if possible, be the first 
 place of my banishment, leaving the consequence to 
 fortune. 
 
 I returned home, and consulting with the sorrel nag, we 
 went into a copse at some distance, where I with my 
 knife, and he with a sharp flint fastened very artificially 
 after their manner to a wooden handle, cut down several 
 
V 
 
 336 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 oak wattles about the thickness of a walking-staff, and 
 some larger pieces. But I shall not trouble the reader 
 with a particular description of my own mechanics ; 
 let it sufi&ce to say that in six weeks time, with the help 
 of the sorrel nag, who performed the parts that required 
 most labour, I finished a sort of Indian canoe, but much 
 larger, covering it with the skins of Yahoos well stitched 
 together, with hempen threads of my own making. My 
 sail was likewise composed of the skins of the same 
 animal ; but I made use of the youngest I could get, the 
 older being too tough and thick ; and I likewise provided 
 myself with four paddles. I laid in a stock of boiled 
 flesh, of rabbits and fowls, and took with me two vessels, 
 one filled with milk and the other with water. 
 
 I tried my canoe in a large pond near my master's 
 house, and then corrected in it what was amiss ; stop- 
 ping all the chinks with Yahoos' tallow, till I found it 
 staunch, and able to bear me and my freight. And 
 when it was as complete as I could possibly make it, 
 I had it drawn on a carriage very gently by Yahoos 
 to the sea-side, under the conduct of the sorrel nag and 
 another servant. 
 
 When all was ready, and the day came for my depar- 
 ture, I took leave of my master and lady and the whole 
 family, my eyes flowing with tears, and my heart quite 
 sunk with grief. But his Honour, out of curiosity, and 
 perhaps (if I may speak it without vanity) partly out of 
 kindness, was determined to see me in my canoe, and 
 got several of his neighbouring friends to accompany 
 him. I was forced to wait above an hour for the tide, 
 and then observing the wind very fortunately bearing 
 towards the island to which I intended to steer my course, 
 I took a second leave of my master ; but as I was going 
 to prostrate myself to kiss his hoofihe did me the honour 
 to raise it gently to my mouth. ILsso. not ignorant how 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 337 
 
 much I have been censured for mentioning this last 
 particular. For my detractors are pleased to think it 
 improbable that so illustrious a person should descend 
 to give so great a mark of distinction to a creature so 
 inferior as ITa Neither have I forgot how apt some 
 travellers are to boast of extraordinary favours they 
 have received. But if these censurers were better 
 acquainted with the noble and courteous disposition of 
 the Houyhnhnms, they would soon change their opinion. 
 I paid my respects to the rest of the Houyhnhnms in 
 his Honour's company ; then getting into my canoe, 
 I pushed ofi from shore. 
 
CHAP. XI 
 
 The Antlior'i dangerotu voyage. He arrives at Neto Bolland, hoping 
 to settle tJiere. Is wounded with an arrow by one of the natives. 
 Is seized and carried by force into a Portuguese ship. The great 
 civilities of the Captain. The Author arrives at England. 
 
 I BEGAN this desperate voyage on February 16, 1714-5, 
 at 9 o'clock in the morning. The wind was very favour- 
 able ; however, I made use at first only of my paddles ; 
 but considering I should soon be weary, and that the 
 wind might chop about, I ventured to set up my little 
 saU ; and thus with the help of the tide I went at the rate 
 of a league and a half an hour, as near as I could guess. 
 My master and his friends continued on the shore tUl 
 I was almost out of sight ; and I often heard the sorrel 
 nag (xyhn a) ways loved me ) crying out, Hnuy ilia nyha 
 majah Yahoo, Take care of thyself, gentle Yahoo. 
 <Mj design was, if possible, to discover some small 
 island uninhabited, yet sufficient by my labour to furnish 
 me with the necessaries of lifeJ which I would have 
 thought a greater happiness than to be first minister in 
 the politest court of Europe ; (bo horrible was the idea 
 I conceived of returning toJive in the society and under 
 the government of Yahoos._/For in such a solitude as 
 I desired I could at least enjoy my own thoughts, and 
 reflect with delight on the virtues of those inimitable 
 Houyhnhnms, without any opportunity of degenerating 
 into the vices and corruptions of my own species. 
 
 The reader may remember what I related when my 
 crew conspired against me and confined me to my cabin. 
 How I continued there several weeks without knowing 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNKNMS 339 
 
 what course we took ; and when I was put ashore in the 
 long-boat, how the sailors told me with oaths, whether 
 true or false, that they knew not in what part of the 
 world we were. However, I did then beUeve us to be 
 about ten degrees southward of the Cape of Good Hope, 
 or about 45 degrees southern latitude, as I gathered from 
 some general words I overheard among them, being 
 I supposed to the south-east in their intended voyage to 
 Madagascar. And although this were but little better than 
 conjecture, yet I resolved to steer my course eastward, 
 hoping to reach the south-west coast of New Holland, 
 and perhaps some such island as I desired, lying westward 
 of it. The wind was full west, and by six in the evening 
 I computed I had gone eastward at least eighteen leagues, 
 when I spied a very small island about half a league o£E, 
 which I soon reached. It was nothing but a rock, with 
 one creek, naturally arched by the force of tempests. 
 Here I put in my canoe, and climbing up a part of the 
 rock, I could plainly discover land to the east, extending 
 from south to north. I lay all night in my canoe ; and 
 repeating my voyage early in the morning, I arrived in 
 seven hours to the south-east point of New Holland. 
 This confirmed me in the opinion I have long enter- 
 tained, that the maps and charts place this country at 
 least three degrees more to the east than it really is ; 
 which thought I communicated many years ago to^y 
 worthy friend Mr. Herman MoiQ and gave him my 
 reasons for it, although he hath rather chosen to follow 
 other authors. 
 
 . I saw no inhabitants in the place where I landed, and 
 being unarmed, I was afraid of venturing far into the 
 country. I found some shellfish on the shore, and ate 
 them raw, not daring to kindle a fire, for fear of being 
 discovered by the natives. I continued three days 
 feeding on oysters and limpets, to save my own 
 
340 GULLIVEE'S TRAVELS 
 
 provisions ; and I fortunately found a brook of excellent 
 water, which gave me great relief. 
 
 On the fourth day, venturing out early a little too far, 
 j I saw twenty or thirty natives upon a height, not above 
 five hundred yards from me. They were stark naked, 
 men, women, and children, round a fire, as I could dis- 
 cover by the smoke. One of them spied me, and gave 
 notice to the rest ; five of them advanced towards me, 
 leaving the women and children at the fire. I made what 
 haste I could to the shore, and getting into my canoe, 
 shoved off : the savages observing me retreat, ran after 
 me ; and before I could get far enough into the sea, 
 discharged an arrow, which wounded me deeply on the 
 inside of my left knee (I shall carry the mark to my 
 grave) . I apprehended the arrow might be poisoned, and 
 paddling out of the reach of their darts (being a calm day), 
 I made a shift to suck the wound and dress it as well as 
 I could. 
 
 I was at a loss what to do, for I durst not return to the 
 same landing-place, but stood to the north, and was 
 forced to paddle ; for the wind, though very gentle, was 
 against me, blowing north-west. As I was looking about 
 for a secure landing-place, I saw a sail to the north-north- 
 east, which appearing every minute more visible, I was 
 in some doubt whether I should wait for them or no ; 
 but at last my detestation of the Yahoo race prevailed, 
 and turning my canoe, I sailed and paddled together to 
 the south, and got into the same creek from whence 
 I set out in the morning/loosing rather to trust nrreelf 
 among these barbarians,than live with European YahflflSv 
 I drew up my canoe as close as I could to the shore, and 
 hid myself behind a stone by the little brook, which, 
 as I have already said, was excellent water. 
 
 The ship came within half a league of this creek, and 
 sent her long-boat with vessels to take in fresh water (for 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 341 
 
 the place it seems was very well known), but I did not 
 observe it till the boat was almost on shore, and it was 
 too late to seek another hiding-place. The seamen at 
 their landing observed my canoe, and rummaging it all 
 over, easUy conjectured that the owner could not be far 
 o£E. Four of them well armed searched every cranny and 
 lurking-hole, till at last they found me flat on my face 
 behind the stone. They gazed awhile in admiration at 
 my strange uncouth dress, my coat made of skins, my 
 wooden-soled shoes, and my furred stockings ; from 
 whence, however, they concluded_L_jv^as not a native 
 of the place, who all go naked. ^One of the seamen in 
 Portuguese bid me rise, and asked who I was. I under- 
 stood that language very well, and getting upon my feet, 
 said I was a poor Yahoo, banished from the HoujdiBhnms, 
 and desired they would please to let me depart; They 
 admired to hear me answer them in their own tongue, 
 and saw by my complexion I must be an European, but 
 were at a loss to know what I meant by Yahoos and 
 Houyhnhnms, and at the same time feU a laughing at 
 my strange tone in speaking, which resembled the 
 neighing of a horse. I trembled all the while betwixt 
 fear and hatred : I again desired leave to depart, and was 
 gently moving to my canoe ; but they laid hold of me, 
 desiring to know what country I was of, whence I came, 
 with many other questions. I told them I was bom in 
 England, from whence I came about five years ago, and 
 then their country and ours were at peace. I therefore 
 hoped they would not treat me as an enemy, since I 
 meant them no harm, but was a poor Yahoo, seeking 
 some desolate place where to pass the remainder of his 
 unfortunate life. 
 
 When they began to talk, I thought I never heard or 
 saw any thing so unnatural ; for it appeared to me as 
 monstrous as if a dog or a cow should speak in England, 
 
342 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 or a Yahoo in Houyhnhnm-land. The honest Portu- 
 guese were equally amazed at my strange dress, and the 
 odd manner of delivering my words, which however they 
 understood very well. They spoke to me with great 
 humanity, and said they were sure the Captain would 
 carry me gratis to Lisbon, from whence I might return 
 to my own country ; that two of the seamen would go 
 back to the ship, ioform the Captain of what they had 
 seen, and receive his orders ; in the mean time, unless 
 I would give my solemn oath not to fly, they would 
 secure me by force. I thought it best to comply with 
 their proposal. They were very curious to know my story, 
 but I gave them very little satisfaction ; and they all 
 conjectured that my misfortunes had impaired my 
 reasoi* Li two hours the boat, which went loaden with 
 vessels Of water, returned with the Captain's command 
 to fetch me on board. I fell on my knees to preserve 
 my liberty ; but all was in vain, and the men having 
 tied me with cords, heaved me into the boat, from 
 whence I was taken into the ship, and from thence into 
 the Captain's cabin. 
 
 His name was— Pedro— deJIendez ; he was a very 
 courteous and generous person ; he entreated me to give 
 some account of myself, and desired to know what 
 I would eat or drink ; said I should be used as well as 
 himself, and spoke so many obliging things, that I 
 wondered to find such civilities from a Yahoo. How- 
 ever, I remained silent and sullen ; I was ready to faint 
 at the very smell of him and his men. At last I desired 
 something to eat out of my own canoe ; but he ordered 
 me a chicken and some excellent wine, and then directed 
 that I should be put to bed in a very clean cabin. I 
 would not undress myself, but lay on the bed-clothes, and 
 in half an hour stole out, when I thought the crew was at 
 dinner, and getting to the side of the ship was going to 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOIJYHNHNMS 343 
 
 leap into the sea, and swim for my life, rather than 
 continue among Yahoos. But one of the seamen pre- 
 vented 'me, and having iaformed the Captara, I was 
 ch^^ed ,to my cabin. 
 
 |^|ter dinner Don Pedro came to me, and desired to 
 know my reason for so desperate an attempt, assured me 
 he only meant to do me all the service he was able, and 
 spoke so very movingly, that at last I descended to treat 
 him like an animal which had some little portion of 
 reasonJ I gave him a very short relation of my voyage, 
 of the conspiracy against me by my own men, of the 
 country where they setjae on shore, and of my three 
 years residence there. ^AU which he looked upon as if 
 it were a dream or a vision ; whereat I took great oSence, 
 for I had quite forgot the faculty of lying, so peculiar 
 to Yahoos in all countries where they preside, and, con- 
 Bequently the disposition of suspecting truth in others of 
 their own specie^? I asked him whether it were the 
 custom in his country to say the thing that was not. 
 I assured him I had almost forgot what he meant by 
 falsehood, and if I had lived a thousand years in Houyhn- 
 hnm-land, I should never have heard a lie from the mean- 
 est servant, that I was altogether indifferent whether 
 he believed me or no, but however, in return for his 
 favours, I would give so much allowance to the corruption 
 of his nature as to answer any objection he would 
 please to make, and then he might easily discover the 
 truth. 
 
 The Captain, a wise man, after many endeavours to 
 catch me tripping in some part of my story, at last began 
 to have a better opinion of my veracity, and the rather, 
 because he confessed he met with a Dutch skipper, who 
 pretended to have landed with five others of his crew 
 upon a certain island or contiuent south of New Holland, 
 where they went for fresh water, and observed a horse 
 
344 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 driving before him several animals exactly resembling 
 those I described under the name of Yahoos, with some 
 other particulars, which the Captain said he had-fqrgot ; 
 because he then concluded them all to be lies. /But he 
 added that since I professed so inviolable an attachment 
 to truth, I must give him my word of honour to bear him 
 company in this voyage, without attempting any thing 
 against my life, or else he would continue me a prisoner 
 till we arrived at LisbogJ I gave him the promise he 
 required, but at the same time protested that I would 
 sufier the greatest hardships rather than return to live 
 among Yahoos. 
 
 Our voyage passed without any considerable accident. 
 In gratitude to the Captain I sometimes sat with him at 
 his earnest request, and strove to conceal my antipathy 
 to human kind, although it often broke out, which he 
 suffered to pass without observation. But the greatest 
 part of the day I confined myself to my cabin, to avoid 
 seeing any of the crew. The Captain had often entreated 
 me to strip myself of my savage dress, ajid ofiered to 
 lend me the best suit of clothes he had. /Th is I would 
 not be prevailed on to accept, abhorring to cover myself 
 with any thing that had been on the back of a Yajja3, 
 I only desired he would lend me two clean shirts, which 
 having been washed since he wore them, I believed 
 would not so much defile me. These I changed every 
 second day, and washed them myself. 
 
 We arrived at Lisbon, Nov. 5, 1715. At our landing 
 the Captain forced me to cover myself with his cloak, 
 to prevent the rabble from crowding about me. I was 
 conveyed to his own house, and at my earnest request 
 he led me up to the highest room backwards. I conjured 
 him to conceal from all persons what I had told him of 
 the Houyhnhnms, because the least hint of such a story 
 would not only draw numbers of people to see me, but 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 345 
 
 probably put me in danger of being imprisoned, or 
 burnt by the Inquisition. The Captain persuaded me 
 to accept a suit of clothes newly made ; but I would not 
 Buffer the tailor to take my measure ; however, Don 
 Pedro being almost of my size, they fitted me well 
 enough. He accoutred me with other necessaries all 
 new, which I aired for twenty-four hours before I would 
 use them. 
 
 The Captain had no wife, nor above three servants, 
 none of which were suffered to attend at meals, and his 
 whole deportment was so obliging, added to very good 
 human imderstanding, that I really began to tolerate 
 his company. He gained so far upon me that I ventured 
 to look out of the back window. By degrees I was 
 brought into another room, from whence I peeped into 
 the street, but drew my head back in a fright^ In 
 a week's time he seduced me down to the door, ijpund 
 my terror gradually lessenejL l>ii* ^^J hatred and 
 contempt seemed to increase_;^,4j¥as at last bold enough 
 to walk the street in his company, but kept my nose weU 
 stopped with rue, or sometimes with tobaofij?. 
 
 In ten days Don Pedro, to whom I had given some 
 account of my domestic affairs, put it upon me as a matter 
 of honour and conscience, that I ought to return to my 
 native country, and live at home with my wife and 
 children. He told me there was an English ship in the 
 port just ready to sail, and he would furnish me with 
 all things necessary. It would be tedious to repeat his 
 arguments, and my contradictions. He said it was 
 altogether impossible to find such a solitary island as 
 I had desired to live in ; but I might command in my 
 own house, and pass my time in a manner as recluse as 
 I pleased. 
 
 I complied at last, finding I could not do better. 
 I left Lisbon the 24th day of November, in an English 
 
346 GULLIVEE'S TEAVELS 
 
 merchantman, but who was the master I never inquired. 
 Don Pedro accompanied me to the ship, and lent me 
 twenty pounds. He took kind leave of me, and embraced 
 me at parting, which I bore as well as I could. During 
 this last voyage I had no commerce with the master or 
 any of his men ; but pretending I was sick, kept close 
 in my cabin. On the fifth of December, 1715, we cast 
 anchor in the Downs about nine in the morning, and 
 at three in the afternoon I got safe to my house at 
 Rotherhith. 
 
 ^My wife and family received me with great surprise 
 and joy, because they concluded me certainly dead ; 
 but I must freely confess the sight of them filled me 
 only with hatred, disgust, and contempt, and the more 
 by reflecting on the near alliance I had to th^^ For 
 although since my unfortunate exile from the Houy- 
 hnhnm, country, I had compelled myself to tolerate the 
 sight of Yahoos, and to converse with Don Pedro de 
 Mendez, yet my memory, and imagination were perpetu- 
 ally filled with the virtues and ideas of those exalted 
 Houyhnhnms. Qjid when I began to consider that by 
 copulating with one of the Yahoo species I had become 
 a parent of more, it^truck me with the utmost shame, 
 confusion, and horrOTs" 
 
 r As soon as I entered the house, my wife took me in her 
 arms and kissed me, at which, having not been used to 
 the touch of that odious animal for so many years, I fell 
 in a swoon for almost an hour. At the time I am writing 
 it is five years since my last return to England : during 
 the first year I could not endure my wife or children in 
 my presence, the very smell of them was intolerable, 
 much less could I suffer them to eat in the same room. 
 To this hour they dare not presume to touch my bread, 
 or drink out of the same cup, neither was I ever able to 
 let one of them take me by the hand. The first money 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 347 
 
 £ laid out was to buy two young stone-horses, which 
 I keep in a good stable, and next to them the groom 
 is my greatest favourite ; for I feel my spirits revived 
 by the smell he contracts in the stable. My horses 
 understand me tolerably well ; I converse with them 
 at least four hours every day. They are strangers to 
 bridle or saddle ; they live in great amity with me^ 
 and friendship to each other. 
 
CHAP. XII 
 
 The Author's veracity. Bia design in publishing this work. Bis 
 censure of those travellers wlio swerve from the truth. The Author 
 clears himself from any sinister ends in writing. An objection 
 answered. Tlie method of planting colonies. His native country 
 commended. The right of the Crown to those countries described 
 by the Author is justified. The difficulty of conquering them. 
 The Author takes his last leave of the reader, proposeth his manner 
 of living for the future, gives good advice, and concludes. 
 
 Thus, gentle reader, I have given thee a faithful 
 history of my travels for sixteen years and above seven 
 months ; wherein I have not been so studious of 
 ornament as truth. I could perhaps like others have 
 astonished thee with strange improbable tales ; but 
 I rather chose to relate plain matter of fact in the 
 simplest manner and style ; because my principal design 
 was to inform, and not to amuse thee. 
 
 It is easy for us who travel into remote countries, which 
 
 are seldom visited by Englishmen or other Europeans, 
 
 to form descriptions of wonderful animals both at sea 
 
 and land. Whereas a traveller's chief aim should be to 
 
 make men wiser and better, and to improve their minds 
 
 by the bad as well as good example of what they deliver 
 
 concerning foreign places. 
 
 r — -1 could heartily wish a law was enacted, that every 
 
 \ traveller, before he were permitted to publish his voyages, 
 
 1 should be obliged to make oath before the Lord High 
 
 IChancellor that aU he intended to print was absolutely 
 
 brue to the best of his knowledge ; for then the world 
 
 would no longer be deceived as it usually is, while some 
 
 vriters, to make their works pass the better upon the 
 
 mblic, impose the grossest falsities on the unwary reader. 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 349 
 
 I have perused several books of travels with great delight 
 in my younger days ; but having since gone over most 
 parts of the globe, and been able to contradict many 
 fabulous accounts from my own observation, it hath 
 given me a great disgust against this part of reading, 
 and some indignation to see the credulity of mankind so 
 impudently abused. Therefore since my acquaintance 
 were pleased to think my poor endeavours might not be 
 unacceptable to my country, I imposed on myself as 
 a maxim, never to be swerved from, that I would strictly 
 adhere to truth ; neither indeed can I be ever under the 
 least temptation to vary from it, while I retain in my 
 mind the lectures and example of my noble master, and 
 the other illustrious Houyhnhnms, of whom I had so long 
 the honour to be an humble hearer. 
 
 Nee 3% miserum FoHuna Sinonem 
 
 Finxit, vanum etiam mendacemqva improha finget, 
 
 I know very well how little reputation is to be got by 
 writings which require neither genius nor learning, nor 
 indeed any other talent except a good memory or an exact 
 journal. I know likewise that writers of travels, like 
 dictionary-makers, are sunk into oblivion by the weight 
 and bulk of those who come after, and therefore Ue 
 uppermost. And it is highly probable that such travellers 
 who shall hereafter visit the countries described in this 
 work of mine, may, by detecting my errors (if there be 
 any), and adding many new discoveries of their own, 
 justle me out of vogue, and stand in my place, making 
 the world forget that I was ever an author. This indeed 
 would be too great a mortification it I wrote for fame : 
 but, as my sole intention was the public good, I cannot 
 be altogether disappointed. For who can read of the 
 virtues I have mentioned in the glorious Houyhnhnms, 
 without being ashamed of his own vices, when he 
 
350 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 considers himself as the reasoning, governing animal 
 of his country ? I shall say nothing of those remote 
 nations where Yahoos preside ; amongst which the least 
 corrupted are the Brobdingnagians, whose wise maxims 
 in morality and government it would be our happiness 
 to observe. But I forbear descanting farther, and 
 rather leave the judicious reader to his own remarks 
 and applications. 
 Ill am not a little pleased that this work of mine can 
 \~possibly meet with no censurers : for what objections 
 can be made against a writer who relates only plain facts 
 that happened in such distant countries, where we have 
 not the least interest with respect either to trade or 
 negotiations T I have carefully avoided every fault with 
 which common writers of travels are often too justly 
 charged. Besides, I meddle not the least with any party, 
 but write without passion, prejudice, or ill-will against 
 any man or number of men whatsoever. I write for 
 the noblest end, to inform and instruct mankind, over 
 whom I may, without breach of modesty, pretend to 
 some superiority, from the advantages I received by 
 conversing so long among the most accomplished 
 Houyhnhnms. I write without any view towards profit 
 or praise. I never suffer a word to pass that may look 
 like reflection, or possibly give the least offence even to 
 those who are most ready to take it. So that I hope 
 I may with justice pronounce myself an author perfectly 
 blameless, against whom the tribes of answerers, con- 
 siderers, observers, reflecters, detecters, remarkers, will 
 never be able to find matter for exercising their talents. 
 I confess it was whispered to me that I was bound in 
 duty as a subject of England to have given in a memorial 
 to a Secretary of State at my first coming over ; because 
 whatever lands are discovered by a subject belong to 
 the Crown. But I doubt whether our conquests in the 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUTHNHNMS 351 
 
 countries I treat of, would be as easy as those of Ferdin- 
 ando Cortez over the naked Americans. The Lilliputians 
 I think are hardly worth the charge of a fleet and army 
 to reduce them ; and I question whether it might be 
 prudent or safe to attempt the Brobdingnagians ; or 
 whether an English army would be much at their ease with 
 the Flying Island over their heads. The Houyhnhnms, 
 indeed, appear not to be so well prepared for war, 
 a science to which they are perfect strangers, and 
 especially against missive weapons. However, supposing 
 myself to be a minister of state, I could never give my 
 advice for invading them. Their prudence, unanimity ,1\ 
 unacquarntedness with fear, and their love of their\ 
 country, would amply supply all defects in the military 
 art. Imagiae twenty thousand of them breaking into the 
 midst of an European army, confounding the ranks, over- 
 turning the carriages, battering the warriors' faces into / 
 mummy by terrible yerks from their hiuder hoofs. Fori 
 they would weU deserve the character given to Augustus : 
 Recalcitrat undique tutus. But instead of proposals) 
 for conquering that magnanimous nation, I rather wish| 
 they were iu a capacity or disposition to send a sufficients 
 number of their inhabitants for civilizing Europe, bji 
 teaching us the first principles of honour, justice, truth] 
 temperance, public spirit, fortitude, chastity, friendship, 
 benevolence, and fidelity. The names of all which 
 virtues are still retained among us in most languages, and 
 are to be met with in modem as well as ancient authors ; 
 which I am able to assert from my own small reading. 
 But I had another reason which made me less forward 
 to enlarge his Majesty's dominions by my discoveries. 
 To say the truth, I had conceived a few scruples with 
 relation to the distributive justice of princes upon those 
 occasions. For instance, a crew of pirates are driven by 
 a storm they know not whither, at length a boy discovers 
 
352 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 land from the topmast, they go on shore to rob and 
 plunder, they see an harmless people, are entertained 
 with kindness, they give the country a new name, they 
 take formal possession of it for their King, they set up 
 a rotten plank or a stone for a memorial, they murder 
 two or three dozen of the natives, bring away a couple 
 more by force for a sample, return home, and get their 
 pardon. Here commences^ new dominion acquired 
 with a title by divine right .iShiVB are sent with the first 
 opportunity, the natives driven out or destroyed, their 
 princes tortured to discover their gold, a free licence 
 given to all acts of inhumanity and lust, the earth reek- 
 ing with the blood of its inhabitants : and this execrable 
 crew of butchers employed in so pious an expedition, ia 
 a modern colony sei^t to convert and civilize an idolatrous 
 and barbarous people] 
 
 |..^But this description, I confess, doth by no means affect 
 (the British nation, who may be an example to the whole 
 world for their wisdom, care, and justice in planting 
 coloniesi their liberal endowments for the advancement 
 of reli^on and learning ; their choice of devout and able 
 pastors to propagate Christianity ; their caution in 
 stocking their provinces with people of sober lives and 
 conversations from this the mother kingdom ; their 
 strict regard to the distribution of justice, in supplying 
 the civil administration through all their colonies with 
 officers of the greatest abilities, utter strangers to corrup- 
 tion ; and to crown all, by sending the most vigilant 
 and virtuous governors, who have no other views than 
 the happiness of the people over whom they preside, 
 and the honour of the Kjng their master. 
 
 But, as those countries which I have described do not 
 appear to have any desire of being conquered, and 
 enslaved, murdered or driven out by colonies, nor abound 
 either in gold, silver, sugar, or tobacco ; I did humbly 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 353 
 
 conceive they were by no means proper objects of our 
 zeal, our valour, or our interest. However, if those whom 
 it more concerns think fit to be of another opinion, I am 
 ready to depose, when I shall be lawfully called, that 
 no European did ever visit these countries before me. 
 I mean, it the inhabitants ought to be believed ; unless 
 a dispute may arise about(ttLe two Yahoos, said to have 
 been seen many ages ago in a mountain in Houyhnhnm- 
 land, from whence the opinion is, that the race of those 
 brutes hath descended ; and these, for anything I know, 
 may have been Englishr)frhich indeed I was apt to 
 suspect from the lineaments of their posterity's counten- 
 ances, although very much defaced. But, how far that 
 will go to make out a title, I leave to the learned in 
 colony-law. 
 
 But as to the formality of taking possession in my 
 Sovereign's name, it never came once into my thoughts ; 
 and if it had, yet as my affairs then stood, I should 
 perhaps in point of prudence and self-preservation have 
 put it ofi to a better opportunity. 
 
 Having thus answered the only objection that can ever 
 be raised against me as a traveller,X_bere take a final 
 leave of aU my courteous readers, and return to enjoy 
 my own speculations in my little garden at Redriff, to 
 apply those excellent lessons of virtue which I learned 
 among the Houyhnhnms, to instruct the Yahoos of ^j. 
 own family as far as I shall find them docible animalg_y 
 to behold my figure often in a glass, and thus if possible 
 habituate myself by time to tolerate the sight of a human 
 creature ; to lament the brutality of Houyhnhnms in 
 my own country, but always treat their persons with 
 respect, for the sake of my noble master, his family, his 
 friends, and the whole Houyhnhnm race, whom these of 
 ours have the honour to resemble in all their lineaments, 
 however their intellectuals came to degenerate. 
 
354, GULLIVER'S TRAVELS 
 
 J\. began last week to permit my wife to sit at dinner 
 ^ith me, at the farthest end of a long table, and to answer 
 (but with the utmost brevity) the few questions I ask her. 
 Yet the smell of a Yahoo continuing very offensive, 
 I always keep my nose well stopped with rue, lavender, 
 or tobacco leaves. And althou^jt be hard for a man 
 late in life to remove old habits, 43'ni ^lo* altogether out 
 of hopes in some time to suffer a neighbour Yahoo in my 
 company, without the apprehensions I am yet under of 
 his teeth or his claws \ 
 
 My reconcilement to the Yahoo-kind in general might 
 not be so difficult, if they would be content with those 
 j^es and follies only which nature hath entitled them to. 
 (I am not in the least provoked at the sight of a lawyerj^ 
 a pick-pocket, a colonel, a fool, a lord, a gamester, 
 a poHtician, a whore-master, a physician, an evidence, 
 a suborner, an attorney, a traitor, or the lik^, this is 
 all according to the due course of things : \}o\A when 
 I behold a lump of deformity and diseases both in body 
 and mind, smitten with pride, it immediately breaks 
 aU the measures of my patiencejj neither shall I be ever 
 able to comprehend how such an animal and such a 
 vice could tally together. The wise and virtuous 
 Houyhnhnms, who abound in all excellencies that can 
 adorn a rational creature, have no name for this vice 
 in their language, which hath no terms to express any 
 thing that is evil, except those whereby they describe 
 the detestable quaUties of their Yahoos, among which 
 they were not able to distinguish this of pride, for want 
 of thoroughly understanding human nature, as it 
 showeth itseK in other countries, where that animal 
 presides. But I, who had more experience, could 
 plainly observe some rudiments of it among the wild 
 Yahoos. 
 
 But the Houyhnhnms, who live under the government 
 
A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS 356 
 
 of reason, are no more proud of the good qualities they 
 possess, than I should be for not wanting a leg or an arm, 
 which no man in his wits would boast of, although he 
 must be miserable without them. I dwell the longer 
 upon this subject from the desire I have to make the 
 society of an English Yahoo by any means not insupport- 
 able ; and therefore I here entreat those who have any 
 tincture of this absurd vice, that they will not presume 
 to come in my sight. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
A 
 
 TALE 
 
 OF A 
 
 T U B. 
 
 Written for the Univerfal Im- 
 provement of Mankind. 
 
 Diu multumque defideratum. 
 
 To which is added, 
 
 An ACCOUNT of a 
 
 BATTEL 
 
 BETWEEN THE 
 
 Antient and Modern BOOKS 
 in St. J-amts\ Library. 
 
 Balima eacabafa eanaa irrauriflia, diarba da caeotaba 
 fobor camelanthi. Inn. Lih. i. C. 1 8. 
 
 Jwvatque novos decerfere flores, 
 
 Infignemque meo capiti fttere indecoronam^ 
 
 Unde frius nulli •velarunt timfora. Mufte. Lucret. 
 
 The Fifth Edition: With the Au- 
 thor's Apology and Explanatory Notes. 
 By W. W-tt-n, B. D. and others. 
 
 LONDON: Printed for John Nutt, near 
 Statloners.Hall. M DCC X. 
 
Treatises wrote by the same Author, most of tliem 
 mentioned in the following Discourses ; which will 
 be speedily published. 
 
 A Character of the present Set of Wits in this Island. 
 —A panegyrical Essay upon the Number Three. 
 
 A D issertation upon the principal Productions of Grub 
 Street. 
 
 Lectures upon a Dissection of Human Nature. 
 ~ A Panegyric upon the World. 
 
 An analytical Discourse upon Zeal, histori-theo-physi- 
 logically considered. 
 ~ A general History of Ears. 
 
 A modest Defence of the Proceedings of the Rabble in ofl 
 ages. 
 
 A Description of the Kingdom of Absurdities. 
 
 A Voyage into England, by a Person of Quality in Terra 
 Australis incognita, translated from the Original. 
 
 A critical Essay upon the Art of Carding, philosophi- 
 cally, physically, and musically considered. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 ANALYTICAL TABLE 
 
 The AfiHior'a Apology 
 
 The Tale approved of by a great majority among the 
 men of taste (370). Some treatises written expressly 
 against it ; but not one syllable in its defence (370). 
 The greatest part of it finished in 1696, eight years 
 before it was published (370). The author's intention 
 when he began it (370). No irreligious or immoral 
 opinion can fairly be deduced from the book (371). The 
 clergy have no reason to dislike it (371). The author's 
 intentions not having met with a candid interpretation, 
 he declined engagLog in a task he had proposed to 
 himself, of examining some publications, that were 
 intended against all religion (372). Unfair to fix a name 
 upon an author, who had so industriously concealed 
 himself (373). The Letter on Enthusiasm, ascribed by 
 several to the same author (373). If the abuses in law 
 or physic had been the subject of this treatise, the learned 
 professors in either faculty would have been more 
 liberal than the clergy (373). The passages which appear 
 most liable to objection are parodies (373). The author 
 entirely innocent of any intention of glancing at those 
 tenets of religion, which he has by some prejudiced or 
 ignorant readers been supposed to mean (374). This 
 particularly the case in the passage about the three 
 wooden machines (374). An irony runs through the 
 whole book (375). Not necessary to take notice of 
 treatises written against it (375). The usual fate of 
 common answerers to books of merit is to sink into 
 
360 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 waste paper and oblivion (375). The case very different, 
 when a great genius exposes a foolish piece (375). 
 Reflections occasioned by Dr. King's Bemarhs on the 
 Tale of a Tub ; others, by Mr. Wotton's (376). The 
 manner in which the Tale was first published accounted 
 for (381). The Fragment not printed in the way the 
 author intended ; being the ground-work of a much 
 larger discourse (382). The oaths of Peter why intro- 
 duced (382). The severest strokes of satire in the treatise 
 are levelled against the custom of employing wit in 
 profaneness or immodesty (383). Wit the noblest and 
 most useful gift of human nature ; and humour the 
 most agreeable (383). Those who have no share of 
 either, think the blow weak, because they are themselves 
 insensible (383). 
 
 P.S. The author of the Key wrong in all his conjec- 
 tures (385). The whole work entirely by one hand ; 
 the author defying any one to claim three lines in the 
 book (385). 
 
 The Bookseller's Dedication to the Lord Somers 
 
 How he finds out that lord to be the patron intended 
 by his author (386). Dedicators ridiculous, who praise 
 their patrons for quahties that do not belong to them 
 (388). 
 
 The Bookseller to the Reader 
 
 TeUs how long he has had these papers, when they 
 were writ, and why he publishes them now (390). 
 
 The Dedication to Posterity 
 
 The author, apprehending that Time will soon destroy 
 almost all the writings of this age, complains of his 
 malice against modem authors and their productions, 
 in hurrying them so quickly oflE the scene ; and therefore 
 
ANALYTICAL TABLE 361 
 
 addresses posterity In favour of his contemporaries ; 
 assures him they abound in wit and leamirij ;, and books ; 
 and, for instance, menti;HiB yDiyden, 3ia te^/D'Urfey, 
 Bentley, and Wotton>3^). / ( / 
 
 The occasion and design of this work (398). 
 
 Project for employing the beaux of the nation (399). 
 Of modern prefaces (400). Modern wit how delicate (400). 
 Method for penetrating into an author's thoughts (401). 
 
 Complaints of every writer against the multitude of 
 writers, like the fat fellow in a crowd (402). Our author 
 Insists on the coaamon privilege of writers, viz. to be 
 favourably' explained, when not understood ; and to 
 praise himself m theXmodern way (403).) This treatise 
 without satire; and why (404). Fame^ooner got by 
 satire thai^ panegyric i the subject of the latter being 
 narrow, and that of the former infinite (405). Difference 
 between Athens and England,as to general and particular 
 satire (406). The author designs a panegyric on the 
 world, and a modest defence of the rabble (408). 
 
 Sect. I. The Intboduction. A physico -mytho- 
 logical dissertation on the difEerent sorts of oratorial 
 machines (409). Of the bar and the bench (410). The 
 author fond of the number Three ; promiseth a panegyric 
 on it (411). Of pulpits ; which are the best (411). Of 
 ladders on which the British orators surpass all others 
 (411). Of the stage itinerant ; the seminary of the two 
 former (412). A physical reason why those machines 
 are elevated (412). Of the curious contrivance of 
 modern theatres (413). These three machines emblemati- 
 cally represent the various sorts of authors (414). 
 
 An apologetical dissertation for the Grub Street writers, 
 against their revolted rivals of Gresham and Will's (416). 
 Superficial readers cannot easUy find out wisdom ; which 
 
362 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 Is compared to several pretty things (417). Commen- 
 taries promised on several writings of Grub Street 
 authors, as Reynard the Fox, Tom Thumb, Dr. Fcmstus, 
 WhiUington and Ma Cat, The Hind and Panther, Tommy 
 Pots, and The Wise Men of Gotlimn (418). The author's 
 pen and person worn out in serving the state (420). 
 Multiplicity of titles and dedications (421). 
 
 Sect. II. Tale of a Tub (422). Of a Father and hia 
 Three Sons (422). His will, and his legacies to them (422). 
 Of the young men's carriage at the beginning : and of 
 the genteel qualifications they acquired in town (423). 
 Description of a new sect, who adored their creator the 
 tailor (424). Of their idol, and their system (424). The 
 three brothers foUow the mode against their father's 
 will ; and get shoulder-knots, by help of distinctions ; 
 gold-lace, by help of tradition; flame-coloured satin 
 lining, by means of a supposed codicil;' silver fringe, 
 by virtue of critical interpretation ; and embroidery of 
 Indian figures, by laying aside the plain literal meaning 
 (428). The will at last looked up (434). Peter got into 
 a lord's house, and after his death turned out his children 
 (435). 
 
 Sect. III. A Digeession concerning Critics (435). 
 Three sorts of Critics ; the two first sorts now extinct 
 (436). The true Critic's genealogy, office, definition 
 (437). Antiquity of their race proved from Pausanias, 
 who represents them by asses browsing on vines ; and 
 Herodotus, by asses with horns ; and by an ass that 
 frighted a Scythian army ; and Diodorus, by a poisonous 
 weed ; and Ctesias, by serpents that poison with their 
 vomit ; and Terence, by the name of Malevoli (440). 
 The true Critic compared to a Tailor, and to a true 
 Beggar (443). Three characteristics of a true modern 
 Critic (445). 
 
 Sect. IV. A Tale ci- a Txtb continued (446). Peter 
 
ANALYTICAL TABLE 363 
 
 assumes grandeur and titles ; and, to support them, turns 
 projector (446). The Author's hopes of being translated 
 into foreign languages (446). Peter's first invention, of 
 Terra Australia Incognita (447). The second of a remedy 
 for Worms (447). The third, a Whispering-Office (448). 
 Fourth, an Insurance-Office (448). Fifth, an Universal 
 Kckle (449). Sixth, a set of Bulls with leaden feet (449). 
 Lastly, his pardons to malefactors (451). Peter's brains 
 turned ; he plays several tricks, and turns out his 
 brothers' wives (452). Gives his brothers bread for 
 mutton and for wine (454). TeUs huge lies : of a cow's 
 milk, would fill 3,000 churches ; of a sign-post as large 
 as 16 men of war ; of a house, that travelled 2,000 
 leagues (466). The brothers steal a copy of the will ; 
 break open the cellar door ; and are both kicked out 
 of doors by Peter (457). 
 
 Secf. V. A DiGBESSiON in the modem kind (459). 
 Our author expatiates on his great pains to serve the 
 public by instructing, and more by diverting (459). The 
 Modems having so far excelled the Ancients, the Author 
 gives them a receipt for a complete system of aU arts 
 and sciences, in a small pocket volume (460). Several 
 defects discovered in Homer ; and his ignorance in 
 modem inventions, &c. (461). Our Author's writings fit 
 to supply all defects (463). He justifies his praising his 
 own writings, by modem examples (463). 
 
 Sect. VI. Tam of a Tub continued (466). The 
 two brothers ejected agree in a resolution to reform, 
 according to the wiU (466). They take different names ; 
 and are found to be of different complexions (467). How 
 Martin began rudely, but proceeded more cautiously, in 
 reforming his coat (468). Jack, of a different temper, 
 and fall of zeal, faUs a-tearing all to pieces (469). He 
 endeavours to kindle up Martin to the same pitch; 
 but, not succeeding, they separate (471). Jack runs 
 
364 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 mad, gets many names, and founds the sect of delists 
 (473). 
 
 Sect. VII. A Digbession In praise of Digressions 
 (474). Digressions suited to modern palates (474). 
 A proof of depraved appetites ; but necessary for 
 modern writers (474). Two ways now in use to be book- 
 learned ; 1. by learning Titles ; 2. by reading Indexes 
 (475). Advantages of this last : and of Abstracts (476). 
 The number of writers increasing above the quantity of 
 matter, this method becomes necessary and useful (476). 
 The Reader empowered to transplant this Digression (479). 
 
 Sect. VIII. Tale continued (479). System of the 
 ^olists : they hold wind, or spirit, to be the origin 
 of aU things, and to bear a great part in their com- 
 position (479). Of the fourth and fifth animas attri- 
 buted Dy them to man (480). Of their belching, or 
 preaching (481). Their inspiration from ^KorCa (483). 
 They use barrels for pulpits (483). Female officers used 
 for inspiration ; and why (484). The notion opposite 
 to that of a Deity, fittest to form a Devil (485). Two 
 Devils dreaded by the jEohsts (486). Their relation 
 with a Northern nation (486). The Author's respect for 
 this sect (487). 
 
 Sect. IX. Dissertation on Madness. Great con- 
 querors of empires, and founders of sects in philosophy 
 and rehgion, have generally been persons whose reason 
 was disturbed (487). A small vapour, mounting to the 
 brain, may occasion great revolutions (488). Examples : 
 of Henry IV., who made great preparations for war, 
 because of his mistress's absence ; and of Louis XIV., 
 whose great actions concluded in a fistula. Extrava- 
 gant notions of several great philosophers, how nice to 
 distinguish from madness (490). Mr. Wotton's fatal 
 mistake, in misapplying his peculiar talents (492). 
 Madness the source of conquests and systems (494). 
 
ANALYTICAL TABLE 365 
 
 Advantages of fiction and delusion over truth and reality 
 (495). The outside of things better than the inside (496). 
 Madness, how useful (497). A proposal for visiting 
 Bedlam, and employing the divers members in a way 
 useful to the public (49S). 
 
 Sect. X. A Fabthee I>iGEESSi03r. The Author's com- 
 pliments to the Headers (502). Gireat civilities practised 
 between Authors and Headers ; and our Author's thanks 
 to the whole nation (502). How well satisfied Authors 
 and Booksellers are (503). To what occasions we owe 
 most of the present writings (503). Of a paltry scribbler, 
 our Author is afraid of ; and therefore desires Dr. Bentley's 
 protection (504). He gives here his whole store at one 
 meal (504) . Usefulness of this treatise to diSerent sorts of 
 Headers ; the superficial, the ignorant, and the learned 
 (505). Proposal for making some ample Ckimmentari^ 
 on this work ; and of the usefolness of C!ommentaries 
 for dark writers (505). Useful hints for the Commen- 
 tators of this Treatise (507). 
 
 Sect. XI. The Tai^ of a Tub continued (508). The 
 Author, not in haste to be at home, shows the difference 
 between a traveller weary, or in haste, and another in 
 good plight, that takes his pleasure, and views every 
 pleasant scene in his way (508). The sequel of Jack's 
 adventures ; his superstitious veneration for the Holy 
 Scripture, and the uses he made of it (509). His flaming 
 zeal, and blind submission to the Decrees (510). His 
 faarangae for Predestination (512). He covers roguish 
 tricks with a show of devotion (513). Affects singularity 
 in manners and speech (514). His aversion to music 
 and painting (514). His discourses provoke sleep (515). 
 Hia groaning, and affecting to suffer for the good cause 
 (515). The great antipathy of Peter and Jack made 
 (hem both run into extremes, where they often met (516). 
 
 The degenerate ears of this age cannot afford a sufficient 
 
366 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 handle to hold men by (518). The senses and passions 
 afford many handles (520). Curiosity is that by which 
 our Author has held his readers so long (520). The rest 
 of this story lost, &c. (521), 
 
 The Conclusion. Of the proper Seasons for publish- 
 ing books (522). Of profound Writers (523). Of the 
 ghost of Wit (524). Sleep and the Muses nearly related 
 (525). Apology for the Author's fits of dulness (525). 
 Method and Reason the lacqueys of Invention (525). 
 Our Author's great coUeotion of Flowers of little use 
 tm now (525). • 
 
 The Battle op the Books 
 
 The Preface tells us, this piece was written in 1697, on 
 occasion of a famous dispute about Ancient and Modem 
 Learning, between Sir WUliam Temple and the Earl of 
 Orrery on the one side, and Mr. Wotton and Dr. Bentley 
 on the other (539). 
 
 War and invasions generally proceed from the attacks 
 of Want and Poverty upon Plenty and Riches (541). The 
 Moderns quarrel with the Ancients, about the possession 
 of the highest top of Parnassus ; and desire them to 
 surrender it, or to let it be levelled (542). The answer 
 of the Ancients not accepted (543). A war ensues; in 
 which rivulets of ink are spUt ; and both parties hang out 
 their trophies, books of controversy (544). These books 
 haunted with disorderly spirits ; though often bound 
 to the peace in Libraries (545). The Author's advice 
 in this case neglected, occasions a terrible fight in 
 St. James's Library (546). Dr. Bentley, the Library 
 Keeper, a great enemy to the Ancients (546). The 
 Moderns, finding themselves 50,000 strong, give the 
 Ancients ill language (548). Temple, a favourite of the 
 
ANALYTICAL TABLE 367 
 
 Ancients (549). An incident of a quarrel between a Bee 
 and a Spider ; with their arguments on both sides (549). 
 ^sop applies them to the present dispute (553). The 
 order of battle of the Modems, and names of their 
 leaders (555). The leaders of the Ancients (556). Jupiter 
 calls a council of the Gods, and consults the book of 
 Fate ; and then sends his orders below (556). Momus 
 brings the news to Criticism ; whose habitation and 
 company is described (557). She arrives; and sheds her 
 influence on her son Wotton (559). The battle described 
 (660). Paracelsus engages Galen ; Aristotle aims at 
 Bacon, and kills Descartes ; Homer overthrows Gondi- 
 bert, kills Denham and Wesley,^ Perrault" and Fonte- 
 nelle (561). Encounter of Virgil and Dryden ; of Lucan 
 and Blackmore ; of Creech and Horace ; of Pindar and 
 Cowley (562). The episode of Bentley and Wotton (566). 
 Bentley's armour (566). His speech to the modem 
 generals (567). ScaHger's answer (567). Bentley and 
 Wotton march together (568). Bentley attacks Phalaris 
 and Msop (668). Wotton attacks Temple in vain (569). 
 Boyle pursues Wotton ; and, meeting Bentley in his 
 way, he pursues and kills them both (571). 
 
 Deeunt cetera. 
 
 • Samuel Wesley, rector of Ormesby and Epworth, in lincolnshirei 
 He died April 25, 1735. [S.] 
 
 ' Charles Perrault, author of a poem, entitled, Le SUcle de Louit 
 le Grand, in which the modem authors are exalted above the ancient ; 
 and of several other curious works. He was bom in 1626, and died in 
 1703 [Nichols.] 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 A DlSOOtTRSB CONCBENING THE MeCHANIOAIj OpBEATION 
 01' THE SpIEIT 
 
 The Author, at a loss what title to give this piece, finds, 
 after much pains, that of A Letter to a Friend to be most 
 in vogue (575). Of modem excuses for haste and 
 negligence, &c. (576). 
 
 Sect. I. Mahomet's fancy of being carried to Heaven 
 by an Ass, followed by many Christians (577). A great 
 afiSnity between this creature and man (577). That 
 talent of bringing his rider to Heaven, the subject of this 
 Discourse ; but for Ass and Rider, the Author uses the 
 synonymous terms of Enlightened Teacher and Fanatic 
 Hearer (578). A tincture of Enthusiasm runs through 
 aU men and all sciences ; but prevails most in Religion 
 (578). Enthusiasm defined and distinguished (579). 
 That which is Mechanical and Artificial is treated of by 
 our Author (579). Though Art oftentimes changes into 
 Nature : examples in the Scythian Longheads, and 
 EngHsh Roundheads (580). Sense and Reason must be 
 laid aside to let this Spirit operate (580). The objections 
 about the manner of the Spirit from above descending 
 upon the Apostles, make not against this Spirit that 
 arises within (582). The methods by which the Assembly 
 helps to work up this Spirit, jointly with the Preacher 
 (583). 
 
 Sect. II. How some worship a good Being, others 
 an evil (585). Most people confound the bounds of 
 good and evil (585). Vain mortals think the Divinity 
 interested in their meanest actions (586). The scheme 
 of spiritual mechanism left out (587). Of the usefulness 
 of quilted night-caps, to keep in the heat, to give motion 
 and vigour to the little animals that compose the brain 
 (687). Sound of far greater use than sense in the 
 
AI^ALYTICAL TABLE 369 
 
 operations of the Spirit, as ia Music (588). Inward light 
 consists of theological polysyllables and mysterious texts 
 (589). Of the great force of one vowel in canting ; and 
 of blowing the nose, hawking, spitting, and belching 
 (£89). The Author to publish an Essay on the Art of 
 Caating (590). Of speaking through the nose,or snuffling : 
 its origin from a disease occasioned by a conflict betwixt 
 the Flesh and the Spirit (591). Inspired vessels, hke 
 lanterns, have a sorry sooty outside (593). Fanaticism 
 deduoed from the Ancients, in their Orgies, Bacchanals, 
 &c. (593). Of their great lasciviousness on those occasions 
 (595). The Fanatics of the first centuries, and those of 
 later times, generally agree in the same principle, of im- 
 proving spiritual into carnal ejaculations, &c. (597). 
 
AN APOLOGY 
 For the, &c. 
 
 If good and ill nature equally operated upon Mankind, 
 I might have saved myself the trouble of this Apology ; 
 for it is manifest by the reception the following discourse 
 hath met with, that those who approve it, are a great 
 majority among the men of taste ; yet there have been 
 two or three treatises written expressly against it, besides 
 many others that have flirted at it occasionally, without 
 one syllable having been ever published in its defence, 
 or even quotation to its advantage, that I can remember, 
 except by the polite author of a late discourse between 
 a Deist and a Socinian. 
 
 Therefore, since the book seems calculated to live at 
 least as long as our language and our taste admit no 
 great alterations, I am content to convey some Apology 
 along with it. 
 
 The greatest part of that book was finished above 
 thirteen years since, 1696, which is eight years before it 
 was pubhshed. The author was then young, his inven- 
 tion at the height, and his reading fresh in his head. By 
 the assistance of some thinking, and much conversation, 
 he had endeavoured to strip himself of as many real 
 prejudices as he could ; I say real ones, because, under 
 the notion of prejudices, he knew to what dangerous 
 heights some men have proceeded. Thus prepared, he 
 thought the numerous and gross corruptions in Religion 
 and Learning might furnish matter for a satire, that 
 woiild be useful and diverting. He resolved to proceed 
 in a manner that should be altogether new, the world 
 
AN APOLOGY 371 
 
 having been already too long nauseated with endless 
 repetitions upon every subject. The abuses in Religion, 
 he proposed to set forth in the Allegory of the Coats, and 
 the three Brothers, which was to make up the body of 
 the discourse. Those in learning he chose to introduce 
 by way of digressions. He was then a young gentleman 
 much in the world, and wrote to the taste of those who 
 were like himself ; therefore, in order to allure them, he 
 gave a liberty to his pen, which might not suit with 
 maturer years, or graver characters, and which he could 
 have easily corrected with a very few blots, had he been 
 master of his papers, for a year or two before their publi- 
 cation. 
 
 Not that he would have governed his judgement by 
 the iU-placed cavils of the sour, the envious, the stupid, 
 and the tasteless, which he mentions with disdain. He 
 acknowledges there are several youthful saUies, which, 
 from the grave and the wise, may deserve a rebuke. But 
 he desires to be answerable no farther than he is guilty, 
 and that his faults may not be multiplied by the ignorant, 
 the unnatural, and uncharitable applications of those 
 who have neither candour to suppose good meanings, 
 nor palate to distinguish true ones. After which, he wiU 
 forfeit his life, if any one opinion can be fairly deduced 
 from that book, which is contrary to Religion or MoraKty. 
 ^^y should any clergyman of our church be angry to 
 see the folKes of fanaticism and superstition exposed, 
 though in the most ridiculous manner ; since that is 
 perhaps the most probable way to cure them, or at least 
 to hinder them from farther spreadingjj Besides, though 
 it was not intended for their perusal, it raUies nothing 
 but what they preach against. It contains nothing to 
 provoke them by the least scurrility upon their persons or 
 their functions. It celebrates the Church of England as 
 the most perfect of all others in discipline and doctrine. 
 
372 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 it advances no opinion they reject, nor condemns 
 any they receive. If the clergy's resentments lay upon 
 their hands, in my humble opinion they might have 
 found more proper objects to employ them on : nondum 
 tibi defuit hostis ; I mean those heavy, illiterate scrib- 
 blers, prostitute in their reputations, vicious in their 
 lives, and ruined in their fortunes, who, to the shame of 
 good sense as well as piety, are greedily read, merely 
 upon the strength of bold, false, impious assertions, mixed 
 with unmannerly reflections upon the priesthood, and 
 openly intended against aU Religion ; in short, full of 
 such principles as are kindly received, because they are 
 levelled to remove those terrors, that Religion tells men 
 wiU be the consequence of immoral Uves. Nothing like 
 which is to be met with in this discourse, though some 
 of them are pleased so freely to censure it. And I wish 
 there were no other instance of what I have too fre- 
 quently observed, that many of that reverend body are 
 not always very nice in distinguishing between their 
 enemies and their friends. 
 
 Had the author's intentions met with a more candid 
 interpretation from some whom out of respect he for- 
 bears to name, he might have been encouraged to an 
 examination of books written by some of those authors 
 above described, whose errors, ignorance, dulness, and 
 vUlainy, he thinks he could have detected and exposed 
 in such a manner, that the persons who are most con- 
 ceived to be infected by them, would soon lay them aside 
 and be ashamed : But he has now given over those 
 thoughts ; since the weightiest men, in the weightiest 
 stations, are pleased to think it a more dangerous point 
 to laugh at those corruptions in Religion, which they 
 themselves must disapprove, than to endeavour puUing 
 up those very foundations, wherein aU Christians have 
 agreed. 
 
AN APOLOGY 373 
 
 He thiiiks it no fair proceeding, that any person should 
 offer determinately to fix a name upon the author of 
 this discourse, who hath all along concealed himself from 
 most of his nearest friends : Yet several have gone a 
 farther step, and pronounced another book ^ to have been 
 the work of the same hand with this, which the author 
 directly affirms to be a thorough mistake ; he having yet 
 never so much as read that discourse : a plaininstance how 
 little truth there often is in general surmises, or in conjec- 
 tures drawn from a similitude of style, or way of thinking. 
 
 Had the author writ a book to expose the abuses 
 In Law, or in Physic, he believes the learned professors 
 in either faculty would have been so far from resenting 
 it, as to have given him thanks for his pains, especially 
 if he had made an honourable reservation for the true 
 practice of either science. But Religion, they tell us, 
 ought not to be ridiculed ; and they tell us truth : yet 
 surely the corruptions in it may ; for we are taught by 
 the tritest maxim in the world, that Religion being the 
 best of things, its corruptions are likely to be the worst. 
 
 There is one thing which the judicious reader cannot 
 but have observed, that some of those passages in this 
 discourse, which appear most liable to objection, are 
 what they call parodies, where the author personates the 
 style and manner of other writers, whom he has a mind 
 to expose. I shaU produce one instance, it is in the_ffait 
 h undre d a nd twentieth page. Dryden, L'Estrange, and 
 some others I shall not name, are here levelled at, who, 
 having spent their Lives in faction, and apostacies, and aU 
 manner of vice, pretended to be sufferers for Loyalty 
 and Religion. So Dryden tells us, in one of his prefaces, 
 of his merits and sufferings, [and] thanks God that he 
 possesses his soul in patience.^ In other places he talks at 
 
 ' Letter on Enthusiasm\_'pyiblished in 1708 by Lord Shaftesbury. — S.] 
 • In the TaJe of a Tub, Diyden is repeatedly mentioned with groat 
 
374 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 the same rate ; and L' Estrange often uses the like style ; 
 and I believe the reader may find more persons to give 
 that passage an application. But this is enough to direct 
 those who may have overlooked the author's intention. 
 
 There are three or four other passages, which preju- 
 diced or ignorant readers have drawn by great force to 
 hint at iU meanings ; as if they glanced at some tenets 
 in rehgion. In answer to all which, the author solemnly 
 protests, he is entirely innocent ; and never had it once 
 in his thoughts, that anything he said, would in the 
 least be capable of such interpretations, which he will 
 engage to deduce full as fairly from the most innocent 
 book in the world. And it will be obvious to every reader, 
 that this was not any part of his scheme or design, the 
 abuses he notes being such as all Church of England 
 men agree in ; nor was it proper for his subject to meddle 
 with other points, than such as have been perpetually 
 controverted since the Reformation. 
 
 To instance only in that passage about the three 
 wooden machines, mentioned in the Introduction : In 
 the original manuscript there was a description of a 
 fourth, which those who had the papers in their power, 
 blotted out, as having something in it of satire, that 
 I suppose they thought was too particular ; and there- 
 fore they were forced to change it to the number Three, 
 from whence some have endeavoured to squeeze out 
 a dangerous meaning, that was never thought on. And, 
 indeed, the conceit was half spoiled by changing the 
 numbers ; that of Four being much more cabaUstic, and, 
 therefore, better exposing the pretended virtue of Num- 
 bers, a superstition there intended to be ridiculed. 
 
 Another thing to bo observed is, that there generally 
 
 diarespeot, not only as a translator and original author, but a 
 mean-spirited sycophant of the great. The passage here alluded to 
 occurs in the Eeaay on Satire, trhich Dryden prefixed to his version ot 
 Juvenal. — S. 
 
AN APOLOGY 375 
 
 runa an irony through the thread of the whole book, 
 which the men of taste will observe and distinguish, and 
 which will render some objections that have been made, 
 very weak and insignificant. 
 
 This Apology being chiefly intended for the satisfaction 
 of future readers, it may be thought unnecessary to take 
 any notice of such treatises as have been writ against this 
 ensuing discourse, which are already sunk into waste 
 paper and oblivion, after the usual fate of common 
 answerers to books, which are allowed to have any merit : 
 They are indeed like annuals, that grow about a young 
 tree, and seem to vie with it for a summer, but fall and 
 die with the leaves in autumn, and are never heard of 
 any more. When Dr. Eachard writ his book about the 
 Contempt of the Clergy, numbers of these answerers 
 immediately started up, whose memory, if he had not 
 kept alive by his repUes, it would now be utterly un- 
 known that he were ever answered at all. There is indeed 
 an exception, when any great genius thinks it worth his 
 whUe to expose a foolish piece ; so we still read Marvell's 
 Answer to Parker* with pleasure, though the book it 
 answers be sunk long ago : so the Earl of Orrery's 
 Remarks wUl be read with delight, when the Dissertation 
 he exposes will neither be sought nor found : * but these 
 are no enterprises for common hands, nor to be hoped 
 for above once or twice in an age. Men would be more 
 cautious of losing their time in such an undertaking, if 
 they did but consider, that, to answer a book effectually, 
 requires more pains and skill, more wit, learning, and 
 judgement, than were employed in the writing it. And 
 
 ' Parker, afterwards Bishop of Oxford, wrote many treatises 
 against the Dissenters, with insolence and contempt, says Burnet, that 
 enraged them beyond measure ; for which he was chastised by Andrew 
 Marvell, under-secretary to Milton, in a little book called The Beliearsal 
 Tranaprosed. — H . 
 
 ' Boyle's remarks upon BerUht/'t Dissertation on the Epistles of 
 Phalaria. — H. 
 
376 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 the author assures those gentlemen, who have given 
 themselves that trouble with him, that his discourse is 
 the product of the study, the observation, and the inven- 
 tion of several years ; that he often blotted out much 
 more than he left, and if his papers had not been a long 
 time out of his possession, they must have still undergone 
 more severe corrections : and do they think such a 
 building is to be battered with dirt-pellets, however 
 envenomed the mouths may be that discharge them ? 
 He hath seen the productions but of two answerers, one 
 of which first appeared as from an unknown hand, but 
 since avowed by a person,^ who, upon some occasions, 
 hath discovered no ill vein of humour. 'Tis a pity any 
 occasions should put him under a necessity of being so 
 hasty in his productions, which, otherwise, might often 
 be entertaining. But there were other reasons obvious 
 enough for his miscarriage in this ; he writ against the 
 conviction of his talent, and entered upon one of the 
 wrongest attempts in nature, to turn into ridicule, by 
 a week's labour, a work which had cost so much time, 
 and met with so much success in ridiculing others : the 
 manner how he has handled his subject I have now forgot, 
 having just looked it over, when it first came out, as 
 others did, merely for the sake of the title. 
 
 The other answer is from a person of a graver character, 
 and is made up of half invective, and half annotation;* 
 in the latter of which, he hath generally succeeded weU 
 enough. And the project at that time was not amiss, to 
 draw in readers to his pamphlet, several having appeared 
 desirous that there might be some expKcation of the more 
 difficult passages. Neither can he be altogether blamed 
 
 ' Dr. William King, the civilian, author of An Account of Denmark, 
 a dissertation on samplera, and other pieces of burlesque on the Royal 
 Society. — H. 
 
 ' Wotton's Defence of hit Eeflectiona upon Ancient and Modern 
 Learning. — H. 
 
AN APOLOGY 377 
 
 for offering at the Invective part, because it is agreed on 
 all hands that the author had given him sufficient provo- 
 cation. The great objection is against his manner of 
 treating it, very unsuitable to one of his function. It 
 was determined by a fair majority, that this answerer 
 had, in a way not to be pardoned, drawn his pen against 
 a certain great man then aUve, and universally rever- 
 enced for every good quality that could possibly enter 
 into the composition of the most accomplished person ; 
 it was observed how he was pleased, and affected to have 
 that noble writer called his adversary ; and it was a point 
 of satire well directed ; for I have been told Sir W[illiam] 
 T[emple] was sufficiently mortified at the term. All the 
 men of wit and pohteness were immediately up in arms 
 through indignation, which prevailed over their con- 
 tempt, by the consequences they apprehended from such 
 an example ; and it grew to be Porsenna's case ; idem tre- 
 centi juravimua. In short, things were ripe for a general 
 insurrection, till my Lord Orrery had a little laid the 
 spirit, and settled the ferment. But, his lordship being 
 principally engaged with another antagonist,^ it was 
 thought necessary, in order to quiet the minds of men, 
 that this opposer should receive a reprimand, which 
 partly occasioned that discourse of The Battle of the 
 Boohs ; and the author was farther at the pains to insert 
 one or two remarks on him, in the body of the book. 
 
 This answerer has been pleased to find fault with about 
 a dozen passages, which the author will not be at the 
 trouble of defending, further than by assuring the reader, 
 that, for the greater part, the refiecteris entirely mistaken, 
 and forces interpretations which never once entered into 
 the writer's head, nor wQl he is sure into that of any 
 reader of taste and candour ; he allows two or three at 
 most, there produced, to have been deUvered unwarily : 
 
 ' Bentley, concerning Phalaiis and ^sop. — H. 
 
378 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 for which he desires to plead the excuse offered already, 
 of his youth, and frankness of speech, and his papers 
 being out of his power at the time they were published. 
 But this answerer insists, and says, what he chiefly 
 disHkes, is the design : what that was, I have already 
 told, and I believe there is not a person in England who 
 can understand that book, that ever imagined it to have 
 been anything else, but to expose the abuses and cor- 
 ruptions in Learning and Religion. 
 
 But it would be good to know what design this reflecter 
 was serving, when he concludes his pamphlet with a 
 Caution to Readers to beware of thinking the author's 
 wit was entirely his own : surely this must have had 
 some allay of personal animosity, at least mixed with the 
 design of serving the public by so useful a discovery ; and 
 it indeed touches the author in a very tender point ; who 
 insists upon it, that through the whole book he has not 
 borrowed one single hint from any writer in the world ; 
 and he thought, of all criticisms, that would never have 
 been one. He conceived it was never disputed to be an 
 original, whatever faults it might have. However this 
 answerer produces three instances to prove this author's 
 wit is not his own in many places. The first is, that the 
 f names of Peter, Martin, and Jack, are borrowed from 
 ^ a letter of the late Duke of Buckingham. Whatever wit 
 is contained in those three names, the author is content 
 to give it up, and desires his readers wiU subtract as much 
 as they placed upon that account ; at the same time 
 protesting solemnly, that he never once heard of that 
 letter, except in this passage of the answerer : so that 
 the names were not borrowed, as he affirms, though they 
 should happen to be the same ; which, however, is odd 
 /-enough, and what he hardly believes : that of Jack being 
 . not quite so obvious as the other two. The second in- 
 stance to shew the author's wit is not hia own, is Peter's 
 
 (I 
 
AN APOLOGY 379 
 
 banter (as he calls it in his Alsatia phrase) upon Transub- 
 stantiation, which is taken from the same duke's con- 
 ference with an Irish priest, where a cork is turned into 
 a horse. This the author confesses to have seen about 
 ten years after his book was writ, and a year or two 
 after it was published. Nay, the answerer overthrows 
 this himself ; for he allows the Tale was writ in 1697 ; 
 and I think that pamphlet was not printed in many 
 years after. It was necessary that corruption should 
 have some allegory as well as the rest ; and the author 
 invented the properest he could, without inquiring what 
 other people had writ ; and the commonest reader wiU 
 find, there is not the least resemblance between the two 
 stories. The third instance is in these words ; ' I have 
 been assured, that the battle in St. James's Library is, 
 mutatis mutandis, taken out of a French book, entitled. 
 Combat des Livres, if I misremember not.' In which 
 passage there are two clauses observable ; ' I have been 
 assured ; ' and, ' if I misremember not.' I desire first 
 to know whether, if that conjecture proves an utter 
 falsehood, those two clauses will be a sufficient excuse 
 for this worthy critic. The matter is a trifle ; but, would 
 he venture to pronounce at this rate upon one of greater 
 moment ? I know nothing more contemptible in a writer 
 than the character of a plagiary, which he here fixes at 
 a venture ; and this not for a passage, but a whole dis- 
 course, taken out from another book, only mutatis mu- 
 tandis. The author is as much in the dark about this as 
 the answerer ; and wUl imitate him by an affirmation 
 at random ; that if there be a word of truth in this 
 reflection, he is a paltry, imitating pedant ; and the 
 answerer is a person of wit, manners, and truth. He 
 takes his boldness, from never having seen any such 
 treatise in his life, nor heard of it before ; and he is sure 
 It is impossible for two writers, of different times and 
 
380 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 countries, to agree in their thoughts after such a manner, 
 that two continued discourses shall be the same, only 
 mutatis mutandis. Neither will he insist upon the mis- 
 take of the title, but let the answerer and his friend 
 produce any book they please, he defies them to shew 
 one single particular, where the judicious reader wiU 
 affirm he has been obUged for the smallest hint ; giving 
 only allowance for the accidental encountering of a single 
 thought, which he knows may sometimes happen ; 
 though he has never yet found it in that discourse, nor 
 has heard it objected by anybody else. 
 
 So that, if ever any design was unfortunately executed, 
 it must be that of this answerer ; who, when he would 
 have it observed, that the author's wit is not his own, ia 
 able to produce but three instances, two of them mere 
 trifles, and all three manifestly false. If this be the way 
 these gentlemen deal with the world in those criticisms, 
 where we have not leisure to defeat them, their readers 
 had need be cautious how they rely upon their credit ; 
 and whether this proceeding can be reconciled to hu- 
 manity or truth, let those who think it worth their whUe 
 determine. 
 
 It is agreed, this answerer would have succeeded much 
 better, if he had stuck wholly to his business, as a com- 
 mentator upon the Tale of a Tub, wherein it cannot be 
 denied that he hath been of some service to the public, 
 and has given very fair conjectures towards clearing 
 up some difficult passages ; ^ but it is the frequent error 
 of those men (otherwise very commendable for their 
 labours), to make excursions beyond their talent and 
 their office, by pretending to point out the beauties and 
 the faults ; which is no part of their trade, which they 
 always fail in, which the world never expected from 
 
 ' Which have accordingly been retained in all subsequent edi- 
 tions. — S. 
 
AN APOLOGY 381 
 
 them, nor gave them any thanks for endeavouring at. 
 The part of MineUius, or Famaby,^ would have fallen in 
 ■with his genius, and might have been serviceable to 
 many readers, who cannot enter into the abstruser parts 
 of that discourse ; but optat ephippia boa piger : the 
 dull, unwieldly, ill-shaped ox would needs put on the 
 furniture of a horse, not considering he was bom to 
 labour, to plough the ground for the sake of superior 
 beings, and that he has neither the shape, mettle, nor 
 speed, of that nobler animal he would affect to personate. 
 
 It is another pattern of this answerer's fair dealing, to 
 give us hints that the author is dead, and yet to lay the 
 suspicion upon somebody, I know not who, in the country ; 
 to which can be only returned, that he is absolutely 
 mistaken in all his conjectures ; and surely conjectures 
 are, at best, too light a pretence to allow a man to assign a 
 name in public. He condemns a book, and consequently 
 the author, of whom he is utterly ignorant ; yet at the 
 same time iixes in print what he thinks a disadvantageous 
 character upon those who never deserved it. A man who 
 receives a bufiet in the dark, may be allowed to be vexed ; 
 but it is an odd kind of revenge, to go to cuffs in broad 
 day with the first he meets with, and lay the last night's 
 injury at his door. And thus much for this discreet, 
 candid, pious, and ingenious answerer. 
 
 How the author came to be without his papers, is a 
 story not proper to be told, and of very nttle use, being 
 a private fact of which the reader would believe as little 
 or as much as he thought good. He had, however, a 
 blotted copy by him, which he intended to have writ 
 over, with many alterations, and this the pubhshers were . 
 well aware of, having put it iato the bookseller's preface, 
 that they apprehended a surreptitious copy, which was to 
 
 ■ Low oommentatora who wrote notea upon classic authors for the 
 use of schoolboys. — H. 
 
382 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 be altered, &c. This, though not regarded by readers, 
 ■was a real truth, only the surreptitious copy was rather 
 that which was printed ; and they made aU haste they 
 could, which indeed was needless ; the author not being 
 at aU prepared ; but he has been told the bookseller was 
 in much pain, having given a good sum of money for the 
 copy. 
 
 In the author's original copy there were not so many 
 chasms as appear in the book ; and why some of them 
 were left, he knows not ; had the publication been trusted 
 to him, he should have made several corrections of pas- 
 sages, against which nothing hath been ever objected. 
 He should Hkewise have altered a few of those that seem 
 with any reason to be excepted against ; but, to deal 
 freely, the greatest number he should have left untouched, 
 as never suspecting it possible any wrong interpretations 
 could be made of them. 
 
 The author observes, at the end of the book, there is 
 a discourse called A Fragment, which he more wondered 
 to see in print than all the rest. Having been a most 
 imperfect sketch, with the addition of a few loose hints, 
 which he once lent a gentleman, who had designed 
 a discourse on somewhat the same subject ; he never 
 thought of it afterwards ; and it was a sufficient surprise 
 to see it pieced up together, wholly out of the method 
 and scheme he had intended ; for it was the ground- 
 work of a much larger discourse, and he was sorry to 
 observe the materials so foolishly employed. 
 
 There is one further objection made by those who have 
 answered this book, as well as by some others, that Peter 
 is frequently made to repeat oaths and curses. Every 
 reader observes, it was necessary to know that Peter did 
 swear and curse. The oaths are not printed out, but only 
 supposed, and the idea of an oath is not immoral, like 
 the idea of a profane or immodest speech. A man may 
 
AN APOLOGY 383 
 
 laugh at the Popish folly of cursing people to hell, and 
 imagine them swearing, without any crime ; but lewd 
 words, or dangerous opinions, though printed by halves, 
 fill the reader's mind with ill ideas ; and of these the 
 author cannot be accused. For the judicious reader will 
 find that the severest strokes of satire in his book are 
 levelled against the modem custom of employing wit 
 upon those topics ; of which there is a remarkable in- 
 stance in the four hundred and seventy-seventh page, 
 as well as in several others, though perhaps once or twice 
 expressed in too free a manner, excusable only for the 
 reasons already alleged. Some overtures have been made, 
 by a third hand, to the bookseller, for the author's alter- 
 ing those passages which he thought might require it ; 
 but it seems the bookseller will not hear of any such thing, 
 being apprehensive it might spoil the sale of the book. 
 
 The author cannot conclude this apology without 
 making this one reflection ; that Jas wit is the noblest 
 and most useful gift of human nature, so humour is the 
 most agreeable ; and where these two enter far into the 
 composition of any work, they wiU render it always 
 acceptable to the world.J Now, the great part of those 
 who have no share or taste of either, but by their pride, 
 pedantry, and iU manners, lay themselves bare to the 
 lashes of both, think the blow is weak, because they are 
 insensible ; and, where wit hath any mixture of raiUery, 
 'tis but caUing it banter, and the work is done. This 
 polite word of theirs was first borrowed from the bullies 
 in White-Friars, then fell among the footmen, and at 
 last retired to the pedants ; by whom it is applied as 
 properly to the productions of wit, as if I should apply 
 it to Sir Isaac Newton's mathematics. But, if this ban- 
 tering, as they call it, be so despisable a thing, whence 
 comes it to pass they have such a perpetual itch towards < 
 it themselves ? To instance only in the answerer already 
 
384 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 mentioned : it is grievous to see him, in some of his 
 ■writings, at every turn going out of his way to be waggish, 
 to tell us of a cow that pricked up her tail ; and in his 
 answer to this discourse, he says, it is all a farce and 
 a ladle ; with other passages equally shining. One may 
 say of these impedimenta literarum, that wit owes them 
 a shame ; and they cannot take wiser counsel than to 
 keep out of harm's way, or at least not to come till they 
 are sure they are called. 
 
 To conclude : with those allowances above required, 
 this book should be read ; after which, the author con- 
 ceives, few things will remain which may not be excused 
 in a young writer. He wrote only to the men of wit and 
 taste, and he thinks he is not mistaken in his accounts, 
 when he says they have been aU of his side, enough to give 
 him the vanity of telling his name, wherein the world, 
 with aU its wise conjectures, is yet very much in the 
 dark; which circumstance is no disagreeable amusement 
 either to the public or himself. 
 
 The author is informed, that the bookseller has pre- 
 vailed on several gentlemen to write some explanatory 
 notes ; for the goodness of which he is not to answer, 
 having never seen any of them, nor intends it, till they 
 appear in print ; when it is not unlikely he may have 
 the pleasure to find twenty meanings which never en- 
 tered into his imagiaation. 
 
 June 3, 1709. 
 
POSTSCRIPT 
 
 SijrcTE the wrlticg of this, which was abcat a vearago, 
 a piosrirute bookseller hath pablished a foolish paper, 
 nnda the name of Notes on the Tjli of a Tub, with some 
 scooimt of the author : and, with an insoience which, 
 I snppcee, is ptmishable bv law, hath presumed to assi zn 
 certain names. It irill be enough for the author to 
 assure the world, that the writer of that paper is utterly 
 wrong in all his conjectures upon th-i,: .-. f iir. The author 
 farther asserts, that the whole work is entirely of one 
 hand, which every reader of judgement \rHi easily dis- 
 coTer : the gaatleman who gave the copy to the book- 
 seller, being a friend of the author, and using no oriiex 
 liberties besides that of expunging certaia parages, 
 where now the chasms appear under the name of desida- 
 rjij. Bat if any person will prove his claim to tiuee 
 lines in the whole boot, let him step forth, and tdl his 
 name and titles ; upm which, the bookseller shall hare 
 orders to pre&x them to the next edition, and the 
 claimant shaU from hencefcffwazd be acknowledged the 
 imdispured author. 
 
XO THE BIGHT HONOUBABLE 
 
 JOHN LORD SOIVIERS 
 
 Mt Lobd, 
 Though the author has written a large Dedicatioii, yet 
 that being addressed to a prince, whom I am never likely 
 to have the honour of being known to ; a person besides, 
 as far as I can observe, not at all regarded, or thought on 
 by any of our present writers ; and being wholly free 
 from that slavery which booksellers usually lie under, to 
 the caprices of authors ; I think it a wise piece of pre- 
 sumption to inscribe these papers to your lordship, and 
 to implore your lordship's protection of them. God and 
 your lordship know their faults and their merits ; for, 
 as to my own particular, I am altogether a stranger to 
 the matter ; and though everybody else should be 
 equally ignorant, I do not fear the sale of the book, at 
 all the worse, upon that score. Your lordship's name 
 on the front in capital letters will at any time get off one 
 edition : neither would I desire any other help to grow 
 an alderman, than a patent for the sole privilege of dedi- 
 cating to your lordship. 
 
 tl should now, in right of a dedicator, give your lordship 
 a list of your own virtues, and, at the same time, be very 
 unwilling to offend your modesty ; but chiefly, I should 
 celebrate your liberality towards men of great parts and 
 small fortunes, and give you broad hints that I mean 
 myselfj And I was just going on, in the usual method, 
 to peruse a hundred or two of dedications, and transcribe 
 an abstract, to be applied to your lordship ; but I was 
 diverted by a certain accident. For, upon the covers 
 of these papers, I casually observed written in large 
 
DEDICATION TO LORD SOMERS 387 
 
 letters the two foUowing words, DETUR DIGNISSIMO ; 
 which, for aught I knew, might contain some important 
 meaning. But it unluckily fell out, that none of the 
 authors I employ understood Latin (though I have them 
 often in pay to translate out of that language) ; I was 
 therefore compelled to have recourse to the curate of 
 our parish, who Englished it thus, Let it be given to the 
 worthiest : and his comment was, that the author meant 
 his work should be dedicated to the subUmest genius of 
 the age for wit, learning, judgement, eloquence, and 
 wisdom. I called at a poet's chamber (who works for 
 my shop) in an alley hard by, showed him the transla- 
 tion, and desired his opinion, who it was that the author 
 could mean : he told me, after some consideration, that 
 vanity was a thing he abhorred ; but, by the description, 
 he thought himself to be the person aimed at ; and, at 
 the same time, he very kindly offered his own assistance 
 gratis towards penning a dedication to himself. I de- 
 sired him, however, to give a second guess. Why, then, 
 said he, it must be I, or my Lord Somers. From thence 
 I went to several other wits of my acquaintance, with 
 no small hazard and weariness to my person, from a 
 prodigious number of dark, winding stairs ; but found 
 them all in the same story, both of your lordship and 
 themselves. Now, your lordship is to understand, that 
 this proceeding was not of my own invention ; for I have 
 somewhere heard, it is a maxim, that those to whom 
 everybody allows the second place, have an undoubted 
 title to the first. 
 
 This InfaUibly convinced me, that your lordship was 
 the person intended by the author. But, being very un- 
 acquainted in the style and form of dedications, I em- 
 ployed those wits aforesaid to furnish me with hints and 
 materials, towards a panegyric upon your lordship's 
 virtues. 
 
388 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 In two days they brought me ten sheets of paper, filled 
 up on every side. They swore to me, that they had ran- 
 sacked whatever could be found in the characters of 
 Socrates, Aristides, Epaminondas, Cato, TuUy, Atticus, 
 and other hard names, which I cannot now recoUect. 
 However, I have reason to believe, they imposed upon 
 my ignorance ; because, when I came to read over their 
 collections, there was not a syllable there, but what I 
 and everybody else knew as weU as themselves : there- 
 fore I grievously suspect a cheat ; and that these authors 
 of mine stole and transcribed every word, from the uni- 
 versal report of mankind. So that I look upon myself 
 as fifty shillings out of pocket, to no manner of purpose. 
 
 If, by altering the title, I could make the same 
 materials serve for another Dedication (as my betters 
 have done) it would help to make up my loss ; but I 
 have made several persons dip here and there in those 
 papers, and before they read three lines, they have all 
 assured me plainly, that they cannot possibly be appKed 
 to any person besides your lordship. 
 
 I expected, indeed, to have heard of your lordship's 
 bravery at the head of an army ; of your undaunted 
 courage in mounting a breach, or scaling a wall ; or to 
 have had your pedigree traced in a lineal descent from 
 the house of Austria ; or of your wonderful talent at 
 dress and dancing ; or your profound knowledge in algebra, 
 metaphysics, and the oriental tongues. But to ply the 
 world with an old beaten story of your wit, and eloquence, 
 and learning, and wisdom, and justice, and politeness, and 
 candour, and evenness of temper in all scenes of life ; of 
 that great discernment in discovering, and readiness in 
 favouring deserving men ; with forty other common 
 topics ; I confess, I have neither conscience nor coun- 
 tenance to do it. Because there is no virtue, either of a 
 public or private Efe, which some circumstances of your 
 
DEDICATION TO LORD SOMEES 389 
 
 own have not often produced upon the stage of the ■world ; 
 and those few, which, for want of occasions to exert 
 them, might otherwise have passed unseen or unobserved 
 by your friends, your enemies have at length brought 
 to Ught.i 
 
 'Tis true, I should be very loth, the bright example of 
 your lordship's virtues should be lost to after-ages, both 
 for their sake and your own ; but chiefly because they 
 will be so very necessary to adorn the history of a late 
 reign ; and that is another reason why I would forbear 
 to make a recital of them here ; because I have been 
 told by wise men, that, as dedications have run for some 
 years past, a good historian wUl not be apt to have re- 
 course thither in search of characters. 
 
 There is one point, whereia I think we dedicators 
 would do well to change our measures ; I mean, instead 
 of miming on so far upon the praise of our patrons' 
 liberahty, to spend a word or two in admiring their 
 patience. I can put no greater compliment on your 
 lordship's, than by giving you so ample an occasion to 
 exercise it at present. Though perhaps I shall not be 
 apt to reckon much merit to your lordship upon that 
 score, who having been formerly used to tedious 
 harangues, and sometimes to as little purpose, wUl be 
 the readier to pardon this ; especially, when it is offered 
 by one, who is with all respect and veneration. 
 My Lord, 
 
 Your lordship's most obedient. 
 And most faithful servant. 
 
 The Bookseller. 
 
 ' See some Eiccoont of Lord Someis' trial and acquittal ia 1701. — S- 
 
THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER 
 
 It is now six years since these papers came first to my 
 hand, which seems to have been about a twelvemonth 
 after they were writ ; for the author tells us in his 
 preface to the first treatise, that he hath calculated it for 
 the year 1697, and in several passages of that Discourse, 
 as well as the second, it appears they were written 
 about that time. 
 
 As to the author, I can give no manner of satisfaction ; 
 however, I am credibly informed, that this publication 
 is without his knowledge ; for he concludes the copy is 
 lost, having lent it to a person, since dead, and being 
 never in possession of it after : so that, whether the 
 work received his last hand, or whether he intended to 
 fiU up the defective places, is like to remain a secret. 
 
 If I should go about to tell the reader, by what accident 
 I became master of these papers, it would, in this un- 
 believing age, pass for little more than the cant or jargon 
 of the trade. I therefore gladly spare both him and 
 myself so unnecessary a trouble. There yet remains a 
 difficult question, why I published them no sooner. 
 I forbore upon two accounts ; first, because I thought I 
 had better work upon my hands ; and secondly, because 
 I was not without some hope of hearing from the author, 
 and receiving his directions. But I have been lately 
 alarmed with intelligence of a surreptitious copy, which 
 a certain great wit had new polished and refined, or, as 
 our present writers express themselves, ^^iec? to the humour 
 of the age ; as they have already done, with great felicity, 
 to Don Quixote, Boccahni, La Bruyere, and other authors. 
 However, I thought it fairer dealing to offer the whole 
 work in its naturals. If any gentleman will please to 
 furnish me with a key, in order to explain the more 
 .difficult parts, I shall very gratefully acknowledge the 
 favour, and print it by itself. 
 
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY 
 TO HIS BOYAL, HIGHNESS 
 
 PRINCE POSTERITY^ 
 
 Sm, 
 I here present your highness with the fruits of a very 
 few leisure hours, stolen from the short intervals of a 
 world of business, and of an employment quite alien from 
 such amusements as this, the poor production of that 
 refuse of time, which has lain heavy upon my hands, 
 during a long prorogation of parKament, a great dearth 
 of foreign news, and a tedious fit of rainy weather ; for 
 which, and other reasons, it cannot choose extremely 
 to deserve such a patronage as that of your highness, 
 whose numberless virtues, in so few years, make the 
 world look upon you as the future example to all princes, 
 for although your highness is hardly got clear of infancy, 
 yet has the universal learned world already resolved 
 upon appealing to your future dictates, with the lowest 
 and most resigned submission ; fate having decreed you 
 sole arbiter of the productions of human wit, in this poHte 
 and most accomplished age. Methinks, the number of 
 appellants were enough to shock and startle any judge, 
 of a genius less unlimited than yours : but, in order to 
 
 * The Citation out of Irensna in the title-page, which seems to be all 
 gibberish, is a fonn of initiation nsed anciently by the Marcosian 
 Heretics. — W. Wotton. 
 
 It is the nsnal style of decried writers to appeal to Posterity, who ia 
 here represented as a prince in his nonage, and Time as his governor ; 
 and the author begins in a way very frequent with him, by personat- 
 ing other writers, who sometimes offer such reasons and excuses for 
 publishing their works, as they ought chieSy to conceal and be 
 ashamed of. 
 
i59 
 392 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 prevent such glorious trials, the person (it seems) to 
 whose care the education of your highness is committed, 
 has resolved (as I am told) to keep you in almost a uni- 
 versal ignorance of our studies, which it is your inherent 
 birth-right to inspect. 
 
 It is amazing to me, that this person should have 
 assurance, in the face of the sun, to go about persuading 
 your highness, that our age is almost whoUy illiterate, 
 and has hardly produced one writer upon any subject. 
 I know very well, that when your highness shall come 
 to riper years, and have gone through the learning of 
 antiquity, you will be too curious to neglect inquiring 
 into the authors of the very age before you : and to 
 think that this insolent, in the account he is preparing 
 for your view, designs to reduce them to a number so 
 insignificant as I am ashamed to mention ; it moves my 
 zeal and my spleen for the honour and interest of our 
 vast flourishing body, as well as of myself, for whom, 
 I know by long experience, he has professed, and still 
 continues, a peculiar malice. 
 
 'Tis not unlikely, that, when your highness will one day 
 peruse what I am now writing, you may be ready to 
 expostulate with your governor, upon the credit of what 
 I here afSrm, and command him to show you some of 
 our productions. To which he will answer (for I am 
 well informed of his designs) by asking your highness, 
 where they are ? and what is become of them ? and 
 pretend it a demonstration that there never were any, 
 because they are not then to be found. Not to be found 1 
 who has mislaid them ? are they sunk in the abyss of 
 things ? 'Tis certain, that in their own nature they 
 were light enough to swim upon the surface for all 
 eternity. Therefore the fault is in him, who tied weights 
 so heavy to their heels, as to depress them to the centre. 
 Is their very essence destroyed ? Who has annihilated 
 
DEDICATION TO PRINCE POSTERITY 393 
 
 them ? were they drowned by purges, or martyred by 
 pipes ? who administered them to the posteriors of 
 
 ? But, that it may no longer be a doubt with 
 
 your highness, who is to be the author of this universal 
 ruin, I beseech you to observe that large and terrible 
 sc}-the which your governor aSeots to bear continually 
 about him. Be pleased to remark the length and 
 strength, the sharpness and hardness of his nails and 
 teeth : consider his baneful, abominable breath, enemy 
 to Life and matter, infectious and corrupting : and then 
 reflect, whether it be possible, for any mortal ink and 
 paper of this generation, to make a suitable resistance. 
 O ! that your highness would one day resolve to disarm 
 this usurping maify'e du pakiis ^ of his furious engines, 
 €ind bring your empire hors de page.^ 
 
 It were endless to recount the several methods of 
 tyranny and destruction, which your governor is pleased 
 to practise upon this occasion. His inveterate malice is 
 such to the writmgs of our age, that of several thousands 
 produced yearly from this renowned city, before the next 
 revolution of the sun, there is not one to be heard of : 
 Unhappy infants ! many of them barbarously destroyed, 
 before they have so much as learnt their mother-tongue 
 to beg for pity. Some he stifles in their cradles ; others 
 he frights into convulsions, whereof they suddenly die ; 
 some he flays alive ; others he tears hmb from Umb. 
 Great numbers are offered to Moloch ; and the rest, 
 tainted by his breath, die of a languishing consumption. 
 
 But the concern I have most at heart, is for our cor- 
 poration of poets ; from whom I am preparing a petition 
 to your highness, to be subscribed with the names of 
 one himdred thirty six of the first rate ; but whose 
 immortal productions are never likely to reach your eyes, 
 though each of them is now an humble and an earnest 
 
 ' Comptroller. ' Out of guardianship. 
 
394 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 appellant for the laurel, and has large comely volumes 
 ready to shew, for a support to his pretensions. The 
 never-dying works of these illustrious persons, your 
 governor, sir, has devoted to unavoidable death ; and 
 your highness is to be made believe, that our age has 
 never arrived at the honour to produce one single poet. 
 
 We confess Immortality to be a great and powerful 
 goddess ; but in vain we offer up to her our devotions 
 and our sacrifices, if your highness's governor, who has 
 usurped the priesthood, must, by an unparalleled am- 
 bition and avarice, wholly intercept and devour them. 
 
 To afOrm that our age is altogether unlearned, and 
 devoid of writers in any kind, seems to be an assertion so 
 bold and so false, that I have been some time thinking, 
 the contrary may almost be proved by uncontrollable 
 demonstration. 'Tis true, indeed, that although their 
 numbers be vast, and their productions numerous in pro- 
 portion, yet are they hurried so hastUy off the scene, that 
 they escape our memory, and delude our sight. When 
 I first thought of this address, I had prepared a copious 
 list of titles to present your highness, as an undisputed 
 argument for what I affirm. The originals were posted 
 fresh upon aU gates and comers of streets ; but, returning 
 in a very few hours to take a review, they were all torn 
 down, and fresh ones in their places. I inquired after 
 them among readers and booksellers ; but I inqviired in 
 vain ; the memorial of them was lost among men; their 
 place was no more to be found ; and I was laughed to 
 scorn for a clown and a pedant, without all taste and re- 
 finement, little versed in the course of present affairs, 
 and that knew nothing of what had passed in the best 
 companies of court and town. So that I can only avow 
 in general to your highness, that we do abound in learn- 
 ing and wit; but to fix upon particulars, is a task too 
 sUppery for my slender abilities. If I should venture 
 
DEDICATION TO PRmCE POSTERITY 395 
 
 in a windy day to affirm to your highness, that there is 
 a large cloud near the horizon in the form of a bear, 
 another in the zenith with the head of an ass, a third to 
 the westward with claws like a dragon, and your highness 
 should In a few minutes think fit to examine the truth, 
 'tis certain they would all be changed in figure and 
 position : new ones would arise, and all we could agree 
 upon would be, that clouds there were, but that I was 
 grossly mistaken in the zoography and topography of 
 them. 
 
 But your governor perhaps may still insist, and put the 
 question : What is then become of those immense bales 
 of paper, which must needs have been employed in such 
 numbers of books ? can these also be wholly annihilate, 
 and so of a sudden, as I pretend ? What shall I say in 
 return of so invidious an objection ? It ill befits the 
 distance between your highness and me, to send you for 
 ocular conviction to a jakes or an oven, to the windows 
 of a bawdy-house, or to a sordid lantern. Books, Uke 
 men their authors, have no more than one way of coming 
 into the world, but there are ten thousand to go out of it, 
 and return no more. 
 
 I profess to your highness, in the Integrity of my heart, 
 that what I am going to say Is literally true this minute 
 I am writing : what revolutions may happen before It 
 shall be ready for your perusal, I can by no means 
 warrant : however, I beg you to accept it as a specimen 
 of our learning, our politeness, and our wit. I do there- 
 fore affirm, upon the word of a sincere man, that there 
 is now actually in being a certain poet, called John 
 Dryden, whose translation of Virgil was lately printed 
 in a large foUo, well bound, and, if diligent search were 
 made, for aught I know, is yet to be seen. There is 
 another, called Nahum Tate, who is ready to make oath, 
 that he has caused many reams of verse to be published. 
 
396 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 whereof both himself and his bookseller (if lawfully re- 
 quired) can still produce authentic copies, and therefore 
 wonders why the world is pleased to make such a secret 
 of it. There is a third, known by the name of Tom 
 Durfey, a poet of a vast comprehension, an universal 
 genius, and most profound learning. There are also one 
 Mr. Rymer, and one Mr. Dennis, most profound critics. 
 There is a person styled Dr. B — tl-y, who has written 
 near a thousand pages of immense erudition, giving a 
 full and true account of a certain squabble, of wonderful 
 importance, between himself and a bookseller : he is 
 a writer of infinite wit and humour ; no man rallies with 
 a better grace, and in more sprightly turns. Farther, 
 I avow to your highness, that with these eyes I have 
 beheld the person of William W-tt-n, B.D., who has 
 written a good sizeable volume against a friend of your 
 governor (from whom, alas 1 he must therefore look for 
 little favour),^ in a most gentlemanly style, adorned with 
 the utmost politeness and civility ; replete with dis- 
 coveries equally valuable for their novelty and use ; and 
 embellished with traits of wit, so poignant and so appo- 
 site, that he is a worthy yokemate to his forementioned 
 friend. 
 
 Why should I go upon farther particulars, which might 
 fill a volume with the just eulogies of my cotemporary 
 brethren ? I shall bequeath this piece of justice to a 
 larger work, wherein I intend to write a character of the 
 present set of wits in our nation : their persons I shall 
 describe particularly and at length, their genius and 
 understandings in miniature. 
 
 In the meantime, I do here make bold to present 
 your highness with a faithful abstract, drawn from the 
 universal body of all arts and sciences, intended wholly 
 
 Sir William Temple.— H, 
 
DEDICATION TO PRINCE POSTERITY 397 
 
 for your service and instruction. Nor do I doubt in the 
 least, but your highness will peruse it as carefully, and 
 make as considerable improvements, as other young 
 princes have already done, by the many volumes of late 
 years written for a help to their studies. 
 
 That your highness may advance in wisdom and 
 virtue, as well as years, and at last outshine all your 
 royal ancestors, shall be the daily prayer of. 
 Sir, 
 
 Tour Highness's 
 
 Most devoted, <bc 
 Veeemb. 1697. 
 
THE PREFACE 
 
 The wit8 of tho present age being so very numerous 
 and penetrating, it seems the grandees of Church and 
 State begin to fall under horrible apprehensions, lest 
 these gentlemen, during the interval of a long peace, 
 should find leisure to pick holes in the weak sides of 
 Religion and Government. To prevent which, there 
 has been much thought employed of late, upon certain 
 projects for taking off the force and edge of those 
 formidable inquirers, from canvassing and reasoning 
 upon such delicate points. They have at length fixed 
 upon one, which will require some time as weU as cost 
 to perfect. Meanwhile, the danger hourly increasing, 
 by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is reason 
 to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may, at an 
 hour's warning, be drawn out into pamphlets, and other 
 offensive weapons, ready for immediate execution, It 
 was judged of absolute necessity, that some present 
 expedient be thought on, till the main design can be 
 brought to maturity. fTo this end, at a Grand Com- 
 mittee some days ago, this important discovery was 
 made by a certain curious and refined observer — that 
 seamen have a custom, when they meet a whale, to 
 fling him out an empty tub by way of amusement, to 
 divert him from laying violent hands upon the ship. 
 This parable was immediately mythologized ; the whale 
 was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan, which tosses 
 and plays with all schemes of Religion and Government, 
 whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, 
 
THE PREFACE 399 
 
 and noisy, and wooden, and given to rotation : this is 
 the Leviathan from whence the terrible wits of our age 
 are said to borrow their weapons. The ship in danger 
 is easily understood to be its old antitype, the Common- 
 wealth. But how to analyze the tub, was a matter of 
 difficulty ; when, after long enquiry and debate, the 
 literal meaning was preserved ; and it was decreed, 
 that, in order to prevent these Leviathans from tossing 
 and sporting with the Commonwealth (which of itself 
 is too apt to fluctuate) they should be diverted from 
 that game by a Tale of a Tub. And, my genius being 
 conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the 
 honour done me to be engaged in the performance. 
 
 This is the sole design in publishing the following 
 treatise, which I hope will serve for an interim of some 
 months to employ those unquiet spirits, till the per- 
 fecting of that great work ; into the secret of which, 
 it is reasonable the courteous reader should have some 
 Uttle Ught. 
 
 It is intended, that^a large Academy be erected, 
 capable of containing £nine thousand seven hundred 
 forty and three persons ; which, by modest computa- 
 tion, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number 
 of wits in this islandTl These are to be disposed into the 
 several schools of this academy, and there pursue those 
 studies to which their genius most inclines them. The 
 undertaker himself will publish his proposals with aU 
 convenient speed ; to which I shall refer the curious 
 reader for a more particular account, mentioning at 
 present only a few of the principal schools. There is, 
 first, a large Psederastic School, with French and Italian 
 masters. There is also the Spelling School, a very 
 spacious building : the School of Looking-glasses : the 
 School of Swearing : the School of Critics : the School 
 of Salivation : the School of Hobby-horses : the School 
 
400 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 of Poetry : the School of Tops * : the School of Spleen : 
 the School of Gaming : with many others, too tedious 
 to recount. No person to be admitted member into any 
 of these schools, without an attestation under two 
 sufficient persons' hands, certifying him to be a wit. 
 
 But, to return : I am sufficiently instructed in the 
 principal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable 
 of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination 
 to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has 
 returned empty ; the latter having been wholly drained 
 by the following treatise. Not so, my more successful 
 brethren the moderns ; who will by no means let slip 
 a preface or dedication, without some notable distin- 
 guishing stroke to surprise the reader at the entry, and 
 kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to. ensue. 
 Such was that of a most ingenious poet, who, soliciting 
 his brain for something new, compared himself to the 
 hangman, and his patron to the patient : this was 
 insigne, recens, indictum ore alio.^ When I went through 
 that necessary and noble course of study,^ I had the 
 happiness to observe many such egregious touches, 
 which I shall not injure the authors by transplanting : 
 because I have remarked, thalfi^othing is so very tender 
 as a modernjjiece of wit, which is apt to suffer so much 
 in the carria.gaJ Some things are extremely witty to-day, 
 or fasting, or in this place, or at eight o'clock, or 
 over a bottle, or spoke by Mr. W hat'd' y'call'm , or in 
 a summer's morning : any ot the which, by the smallest 
 transposal or misapplication, is utterly annihilate. 
 Thus, wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may 
 
 ' This I think the author should liave omitted, it being of the very 
 same nature with the School of Hobby-horses, if one may venture to 
 censure one who is so severe a censurer of others, perhaps with too 
 little distinction. 
 
 ' Horace. Something extraordinary new, and never hit upon 
 before. 
 
 ' Reading Prefaces, &o. 
 
THE PEEFACE 401 
 
 not stray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being lost. 
 The modems have artfully fixed this mercury, and 
 reduced it to the circumstances of time, place, and 
 person. Such a jest there is, that will not pass out of 
 Covent-Garden ; and such a one, that is nowhere 
 intelligible but at Hyde-Park Comer. Now, though it 
 sometimes tenderly affects me to consider, that all the 
 towardly passages I shall deliver in the following 
 treatise, will grow quite out of date and reUsh with the 
 first shifting of the present scene, yet I must needs 
 subscribe to the justice of this proceeding : because, 
 I cannot imagine why we should be at expense to 
 furnish wit for succeeding ages, when the former have 
 made no sort of provision for ours : wherein I speak the 
 sentiment of the very newest, and consequently the 
 most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, 
 being extremely sohcitous, that every accomplished 
 person, who has got into the taste of wit calculated for 
 this present month of August, 1697, should descend to 
 the very bottom of all the sublime throughout this 
 treatise, I hold fit to lay down this general maxim : 
 whatever reader desires to have a thorough comprehen- 
 sion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a better 
 method, than by putting himself into the circumstances 
 and postures of life, that the writer was in upon every 
 important passage, as it flowed from his pen : For this 
 will introduce a parity, and strict correspondence of 
 ideas, between the reader and the author. Now, to 
 assist the diligent reader in so delicate an affair, as far as 
 brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the shrewdest 
 pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed in a garret ; 
 at other times (for a reason best known to myself) 
 I thought fit to sharpen my invention with hunger ; and 
 in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and 
 ended, under a long course of physic, and a great want 
 
402 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 of money. Now, I do aflarm, it will be absolutely Im- 
 possible for the candid peruser to go along with me in 
 a great many bright passages, unless, upon the several 
 difficulties emergent, he will please to capacitate and 
 prepare himself by these directions. And this I lay 
 down as my principal postulatum. 
 
 LBecause I have professed to be a most devoted servant 
 of all modem f ormP I apprehend some curious wit may 
 object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface, 
 without declaiming, according to the custom, against the 
 multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of 
 writers most reasonably complains. I am just come 
 from perusing some hundreds of prefaces, wherein the 
 authors do at the very beginning address the gentle 
 reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of these I 
 have preserved a few examples, and shall set them down 
 as near as my memory has been able to retain them. 
 One begins thus : 
 
 For a man to set up for a writer, when the press swarms 
 with, &c. 
 
 Another : 
 
 The tax upon paper does not lessen the number of 
 scribblers, who daily pester, &o. 
 Another : 
 
 When every little would-be-mt takes pen in hand, 'tis 
 in vain to enter the lists, &o. 
 Another : 
 
 To observe what trash the press swarms with, &o. 
 Another : 
 
 Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, that I 
 venture into the public ; for who upon a less consideration 
 would be of a party with such a rabble of scribblers, &c. 
 
 Now, I have two words in my own defence against this 
 objection. First, I am far from granting the number of 
 writers a nuisance to our nation, having strenuously 
 
THE PREFACE 403 
 
 maintained the contrary, in several parts of the following 
 discourse. Secondly, I do not well understand the justice 
 of this proceeding ; because I observe many of these polite 
 prefaces to be not only from the same hand, but from 
 those who are most voluminous in their several produc- 
 tions. Upon which, I shall tell the reader a short tale. 
 
 A mountebank, in Leicester-fields, had drawn a huge 
 assembly about him. Among the rest, a fat unwieldy 
 fellow, half stifled in the press, would be every fit crying 
 out. Lord ! what a filthy crowd is here ! pray, good 
 people, give way a httle. Bless me 1 what a devil has 
 raked this rabble together ! z — ds ! what squeezing is 
 this 1 honest friend, remove your elbow. At last a 
 weaver, that stood next him, could hold no longer. 
 A plague confound you, said he, for an overgrown sloven ; 
 and who, in the devil's name, I wonder, helps to make up 
 the crowd half so much as yourself ? Don't you con- 
 sider, with a pox, that you take up more room with that 
 carcase, than any five here ? Is not the place as free 
 for us as for you ? Bring your own guts to a reasonable 
 compass, and be d — n'd, and then I'll engage we shall 
 have room enough for us all. 
 
 There are certain common privileges of a writer, the 
 benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no reason to doubt ; 
 particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be 
 concluded, that something very useful and profound is 
 couched underneath : and again, that whatever word 
 or sentence is printed in a diSerent character, shall be 
 judged to contain something extraordinary either of 
 wit or sublime. 
 
 As for the liberty I have thought fit to take of praising 
 myself, upon some occasions or none, I am sure it will 
 need no excuse, if a multitude of great examples be 
 allowed sufficient authority. For it is here to be noted, 
 that praise was originally a pension paid by the world; 
 
404 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 but the modems, finding the trouble and charge too 
 great in collecting it, have lately bought out the fee- 
 simple ; since which time, the right of presentation is 
 wholly in ourselves. For this reason it is, that when an 
 author makes his own eulogy, he uses a certain form to 
 declare and insist upon his title, which is commonly 
 in these or the like words, ' I speak without vanity ' ; 
 which I think plainly shews it to be a matter of right 
 and justice. Now I do here once for all declare, 
 that in every encounter of this nature through the 
 following treatise, the form aforesaid is implied ; which 
 I mention, to save the trouble of repeating it on so many 
 occasions. 
 
 'Tis a great ease to my conscience, that I have writ 
 so elaborate and useful a discourse, without one grain 
 of satire intermixed ; which is the sole point wherein 
 I have taken leave to dissent from the famous originals 
 of our age and country. I have observed some satirists 
 to use the public much at the rate that pedants do 
 a naughty boy, ready horsed for discipline : first, 
 expostulate the case, then plead the necessity of the rod 
 from great provocations, and conclude every period 
 with a lash. Now, if I know anything of mankind, these 
 gentlemen might very well spare their reproof and 
 correction : for there is not, through all nature, another 
 so callous and insensible a member as the world's 
 posteriors, whether you apply to it the toe or the birch. 
 Besides, most of our late satirists seem to lie under a sort 
 of mistake ; that because nettles have the prerogative 
 to sting, therefore all other weeds must do so too. 
 I make not this comparison out of the least design to 
 detract from these worthy writers ; for it is well known 
 among mythologists, that weeds have the pre-eminence 
 over all other vegetables ; and therefore the first mon- 
 arch of this island, whose taste and judgment were so 
 
THE PREFACE 405 
 
 acute and refined, did very wisely root out the roses 
 from the coUajT of the Order, and plant the thistles in 
 their stead, as the nobler flower of the two. For which 
 reason it is conjectured by profounder antiquaries, that 
 the satirical itch, so prevalent in this part of our island, 
 was first brought among us from beyond the Tweed. 
 Here may it long flourish and abound : may it survive 
 and neglect the scorn of the world, with as much ease 
 and contempt, as the world is insensible to the lashes 
 of it. May their own dulness, or that of their party, 
 be no discouragement for the authors to proceed ; but 
 let them remember, it is with wits as with razors, which 
 are never so apt to cut those they are employed on, as 
 when they have lost their edge. Besides, those whose 
 teeth are too rotten to bite, are best, of all others, 
 qualified to revenge that defect with their breath. 
 
 I tun not like other men, to envy or undervalue the 
 talents I cannot reach ; for which reason I must needs 
 bear a true honour to this large eminent sect of our 
 British writers. And I hope this little panegyric will 
 not be offensive to their ears, since it has the advantage 
 of being only designed for themselves. Indeed, nature 
 herself has taken order, that fame and honour should be 
 purchased at a better pennyworth by satire, than by 
 any other productions of the brain ; the world being 
 soonest provoked to praise by lashes, as men are to love. 
 There is a problem in an ancient author, why dedications, 
 and other bundles of flattery, run aU upon stale musty 
 topics, without the smallest tincture of anything new ; 
 not only to the torment and nauseating of the Christian 
 reader, but (if not suddenly prevented) to the universal 
 spreading of that pestilent disease, the lethargy, in this 
 island : whereas there is very little satire, which has not 
 something in it untouched before. The defects of the 
 former are usually imputed to the want of invention 
 
406 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 among those who are dealers in that kind ; but, I think, 
 with a great deal of injustice ; the solution being easy 
 and natural. For the materials of panegyric, being 
 very few in number, have been long since exhausted. 
 For, as health is but one thing, and has been always the 
 same, whereas diseases are by thousands, beside new 
 and daily additions ; J^, all the virtues that have been 
 ever in mankind, are to be counted upon a few fingers ; 
 but his follies and vices are innumerable, and time adds 
 hourly to the hea^T) Now the utmost a poor poet can 
 do, is to get by heart a list of the cardinal virtues, and 
 deal them with his utmost UberaUty to his hero or his 
 patron : he may ring the changes as far as it will go, 
 and vary his phrase tUl he has talked round : but the 
 reader quickly finds it is all pork,^ with a little variety of 
 sauce. For there is no inventing terms of art beyond 
 our ideas ; and, when ideas are exhausted, terms of art 
 must be so too. 
 
 But though the matter for panegyric were as fruitful 
 as the topics of satire, yet would it not be hard to find 
 out a sufficient reason why the latter will be alwajns 
 better received than the first. For, this being bestowed 
 only upon one, or a few persons at a time, is sure to raise 
 envy, and consequently ill words from the rest, who 
 have no share in the blessing ; but satire, being levelled 
 at all, is never resented for an ofEence by any, since every 
 individual person makes bold to understand it of others, 
 and very wisely removes his particular part of the 
 burden upon the shoulders of the world, which are 
 broad enough, and able to bear it. To this purpose, 
 I have sometimes reflected upon the difference between 
 Athens and England, with respect to the point before us. 
 In the Attic commonwealth,* it was the privilege and 
 birthright of every citizen and poet to rail aloud, and in 
 > PlutoToh. ' Vide Xenophon. 
 
THE PREFACE 407 
 
 public, or to expose upon the stage, by name, any 
 person they pleased, though of the greatest figure, 
 whether a Creon, an Hyperbolus, an Alcibiades, or a 
 Demosthenes : but, on the other side, the least reflecting 
 word let fall against the people in general, waa imme- 
 diately caught up, and revenged upon the authors, 
 however considerable for their quality or their merits. 
 Whereas in England it is just the reverse of all this. 
 Here, you may securely display your utmost rhetoric 
 against mankind, in the face of the world ; tell them, 
 ' That all are gone astray : that there is none that doth 
 good, no not one ; that we live in the very dregs of 
 time ; that knavery and atheism are epidemic as the 
 pox ; that honesty is fled with Astraea ; ' with any 
 other commonplaces, equally new and eloquent, which 
 are unfurnished by the splendida bilis.^ And when you 
 have done, the whole audience, far from being offended, 
 shall return you thanks, as a deliverer of precious and 
 useful truths. Nay, farther ; it is but to venture your 
 lungs, and you may preach in Convent-Garden against 
 foppery and fornication, and something else : against 
 pride, and dissimulation, and bribery, at Whitehall : 
 you may expose rapine and injustice in the Inns of 
 Court Chapel : and in a city pulpit, be as flerce as you 
 please against avarice, hypocrisy, and extortion. 'Tia 
 but a baU bandied to and fro, and every man carries 
 a racket about him, to strike it from himself, among the 
 rest of the company. But, on the other side, whoever 
 should mistake the nature of things so far, as to drop 
 but a single hint in public, how such a one starved half 
 the fleet, and half -poisoned the rest : how such a one, 
 from a true principle of love and honour, pays no debts 
 but for wenches and play : how such a one has got a 
 clap, and runs out of his estate : how Paris, bribed by 
 ' Horace. Spleen. 
 
408 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 Juno and Venus,* loth to offend either party, slept out 
 the whole cause on the bench : or how such an orator 
 makes long speeches in the senate, with much thought, 
 little sense, and to no purpose ; whoever, I say, should 
 venture to be thus particular, must expect to be im- 
 prisoned for scandalum magnatum ; to have challenges 
 sent him ; to be sued for defamation ; and to be brought 
 before the bar of the house. 
 
 But I forget that I am expatiating on a subject wherein 
 I have no concern, having neither a talent nor an 
 incUnation for satire. On the other side, I am so 
 entirely satisfied with the whole present procedure of 
 human things, that I have been some years preparing 
 materials towards A Panegyric upon the World ; to 
 which I intended to add a second part, entitled, A 
 modest Defence of the Proceedings of the Babble in aU 
 Ages. Both these I had thoughts to publish, by way 
 of appendix to the following treatise ; but finding my 
 common-place book fill much slower than I had reason 
 to expect, I have chosen to defer them to another 
 occasion. Besides, I have been vmhappily prevented 
 in that design by a certain domestic misfortime ; in the 
 particulars whereof, though it would be very seasonable, 
 and much in the modem way, to inform the gentle 
 reader, and would also be of great assistance towards 
 extending this preface into the size now in vogue, which 
 by rule ought to be large in proportion as the subsequent 
 volume is small ; yet I shall now dismiss our impatient 
 reader from any farther attendance at the porch, and, 
 having duly prepared his mind by a preHminary dis- 
 course, shall gladly introduce him to the sublime 
 mysteries that ensue. 
 
 ' Juno and VenuB are money and a mistress, very powerful bribes to 
 a judge, if scandal says true. I remember such reflections were oast 
 about that time, but I cannot fix the person intended here. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB, ETC. 
 
 SECTION I 
 
 THE INTRODUCTION 
 
 Whobvbb hath an ambition to be heard in a crowd, 
 must press, and squeeze, and thrust, and climb, with 
 Indefatigable pains, till he has exalted himself to a certain 
 degree of altitude above them. Now, in all assemblies, 
 though you wedge them ever so close, we may observe 
 this peculiar property, that over their heads there is 
 room enough, but how to reach it is the difi&cult point ; 
 it being as hard to get quit of number, as of hell. 
 
 Evadere ad auras. 
 
 Hoc opus, hie labor est,^ 
 
 To this end, the philosopher's way in all ages has been 
 by erecting certain edifices in the air : but, whatever 
 practice and reputation these kind of structures have 
 formerly possessed, or may still continue in, not except- 
 ing even that of Socrates, when he was suspended in 
 a basket to help contemplation, I think, with due sub- 
 mission, they seem to labour under two inconveniences. 
 First, That the foundations being laid too high, they 
 have been often out of sight, and ever out of hearing. 
 Secondly, That the materials, being very transitory, have 
 suffered much from inclemencies of air, especially in 
 these north-west regions. 
 
 Therefore, towards the just performance of this great 
 
 ' But to return, and view the cheerful skies, 
 In this the task and mighty labour lies. — Dbydbh. 
 
410 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 work, there remain but three methods that I can think 
 on ; whereof the wisdom of our ancestors being highly 
 sensible, has, to encourage all aspiring adventurers, 
 thought fit to erect three wooden machines for the use 
 of those orators, who desire to talk much without inter- 
 ruption. These are, the pulpit, the ladder, and the stage- 
 itinerant. For, as to the bar, though it be compounded 
 of the same matter, and designed for the same use, it 
 cannot, however, be well allowed the honour of a fourth, 
 by reason of its level or inferior situation exposing it to 
 perpetual interruption from collaterals. Neither can the 
 bench itself, though raised to a proper eminency, put in 
 a better claim, whatever its advocates insist on. For, if 
 they please to look into the original design of its erection, 
 and the circumstances or adjuncts subservient to that 
 design, they will soon acknowledge the present practice 
 exactly correspondent to the primitive institution, and 
 both to answer the etymology of the name, which in the 
 Phoenician tongue is a word of great signification, 
 importing, if literally interpreted, the place of sleep ; 
 but in common acceptation, a seat well bolstered and 
 cushioned, for the repose of old and gouty limbs : senea 
 ut in otia tuta recedant. Fortune being indebted to them 
 this part of retaUation, that, as formerly they have long 
 talked whilst others slept, so now they may sleep as long 
 whilst others talk. 
 
 But if no other argument could occur, to exclude the 
 Bench and the Bar from the list of oratorial machines, 
 it were sufficient that the admission of them would over- 
 throw a number, which I was resolved to establish, what- 
 ever argument it might cost me ; in imitation of that 
 prudent method observed by many other philosophers 
 and great clerks, whose chief art in division has been to 
 grow fond of some proper mystical number, which their 
 Imaginations have rendered sacred, to a degree, that 
 
INTRODUCTION 411 
 
 they force common reason to find room for it in every 
 part of nature ; reducing, including, and adjusting, every 
 genus and species within that compass, by coupling some 
 against their wills, and banishing others at any rate. 
 Now, among all the rest, the profound number THREE 
 is that which hath most employed my sublimest specu- 
 lations, nor ever without wonderful delight. There 
 is now in the press (and will be published next term) 
 a panegyrical essay of mine upon this number, wherein 
 I have by most convincing proofs not only reduced the 
 senses and the elements under its banner, but brought 
 over several deserters from its two great rivals, SEVEN 
 and NINE. 
 
 Now, the first of these oratorial machines, in place, as 
 well as dignity, is the pulpit. Of pulpits there are in 
 this island several sorts ; but I esteem only that made 
 of timber from the sylva Caledonia, which agrees very 
 well with our chmate. If it be upon its decay, 'tis the 
 better both for conveyance of sound, and for other 
 reasons to be mentioned by and by. The degree of per- 
 fection in shape and size, I take to consist in being 
 extremely narrow, with little ornament ; and, best of 
 all, without a cover (for, by ancient rule, it ought to be 
 the only uncovered vessel in every assembly where it is 
 rightfully used), by which means, from its near resem- 
 blance to a pillory, it wiU ever have a mighty influence 
 on human ears. 
 
 Of ladders I need say nothing : 'tis observed by 
 foreigners themselves, to the honour of our country, 
 that we excel all nations in our practice and understand- 
 ing of this machine. The ascending orators do not only 
 obhge their audience in the agreeable delivery, but the 
 whole world in their early publication of these speeches ; 
 which I look upon as the choicest treasury of our British 
 eloquence, and whereof, I am informed, that worthy 
 
«2 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 citizen and bookseller, Mr. John Dunton, hath made 
 a faithful and a painful collection, which he shortly 
 designs to pubUsh in twelve volumes in foHo, illustrated 
 with copperplates. A work highly useful and curious, 
 and altogether worthy of such a hand.^ 
 
 The last engine of orators is the stage itinerant,* 
 erected with much sagacity, sub Jove pluvio, in triviis 
 et quadriviis? It is the great seminary of the two former, 
 and its orators are sometimes preferred to the one, and 
 sometimes to the other, in proportion to their deservings, 
 there being a strict and perpetual intercourse between 
 all three. 
 
 From this accurate deduction it is manifest, that for 
 obtaining attention in public, there is of necessity 
 required a superior position of place. But although this 
 point be generally granted, yet the cause is little agreed 
 in ; and it seems to me, that very few philosophers have 
 fallen into a true, natural solution of this phenomenon. 
 The deepest account, and the most fairly digested of any 
 I have yet met with, is this : that air being a heavy body, 
 and therefore (according to the system of Epicurus *), 
 continually descending, must needs be more so, when 
 loaden and pressed down by words ; which are also 
 bodies of much weight and gravity, as it is manifest 
 from those deep impressions they make and leave upon 
 us ; and therefore must be delivered from a due altitude, 
 
 ■ Mr. John Dunton was a broken bookseller, who commenced 
 author in despair, a sinking in rank from which it may easily be 
 guessed he derived little profit. He published hia own memoirs under 
 the modest title of his iXje and Errors, in which he characterizes every 
 bookseller, stationer, and printer in London, and brings up the rear 
 of hia catalogue with the character of seventeen principal binders. 
 This biography he perhaps substituted for the scheme recommended 
 in the text. — S. 
 
 ' Is the mountebank's stage, whose orators the author determines 
 either to the gallows or a conventicle. 
 
 ' In the open air, and in streets where the greatest resort is. 
 
 * Lucretius, Lib. 2. 
 
INTRODUCTION 413 
 
 or else they will neither carry a good aim, nor fall down 
 with a sufficient force. 
 
 Corpoream quoqne enim vocem oonstare fatendum est, 
 Et sonitum, quoniam possunt impellere sensus.' 
 
 L0CB. Lib. 4k. 
 
 And I am the readier to favour this conjecture, from 
 a common observation, that in the several assemblies of 
 these orators, nature itself hath instructed the hearers 
 to stand with their mouths open, and erected parallel 
 to the horizon, so as they may be intersected by a per- 
 pendicular line from the zenith to the centre of the 
 earth. In which position, if the audience be well com- 
 pact, every one carries home a share, and little or nothing 
 is lost. 
 
 I confess there is something yet more refined, in the 
 contrivance and structure of our modem theatres. For, 
 first, the pit is sunk below the stage, with due regard to 
 the institution above deduced ; that, whatever weighty 
 matter shall be dehvered thence (whether it be lead or 
 gold) may fall plumb into the jaws of certain critics (as 
 I think they are called) which stand ready open to devour 
 them. Then, the boxes are built round, and raised to 
 a level with the scene, in deference to the ladies ; because, 
 that large portion of wit, laid out in raising pruriences 
 and protuberances, is observed to run much upon a line, 
 and ever in a circle. The whining passions, and little 
 starved conceits, are gently wafted up, by their own 
 extreme levity, to the middle region, and there fix and 
 are frozen by the frigid understandings of the inhabitants. 
 Bombastry and buffoonery, by nature lofty and light, 
 soar highest of all, and would be lost in the roof, if the 
 prudent architect had not, with much foresight, con- 
 trived for them a fourth place, called the twelve-penny 
 
 ' "Tis certain then, that Toice that thus can wound. 
 Is all material ; body every sound. 
 
414 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 gallery, and there planted a suitable colony, who greedily 
 intercept them in their passage. 
 
 Now this physico-logioal scheme of oratorial recep- 
 tacles or machines, contains a great mystery ; being 
 a type, a sign, an emblem, a shadow, a symbol, bearing 
 analogy to the spacious commonwealth of writers, and 
 to those methods, by which they must ezalt themselves 
 to a certain eminency above the inferior world. By the 
 pulpit are adumbrated the writings of our modem saints 
 in Great Britain, as they have spiritualized and refined 
 them, from the dross and grossness of sense and human 
 reason. The matter, as we have said, is of rotten wood ; 
 and that upon two considerations ; because it is the 
 quaHty of rotten wood, to give light in the dark : and 
 secondly, because its cavities are full of worms ; which 
 is a type with a pair of handles,^ having a respect to the 
 two principal qualifications of the orator, and the two 
 different fates attending upon his works. 
 
 The ladder is an adequate symbol of faction, and of 
 poetry, to both of which so noble a number of authors 
 are indebted for their fame. Of faction, because * . . . 
 Hiatus in MS. ....... 
 
 Of poetry, because its 
 orators do perorate with a song ; and because, climbing 
 up by slow degrees, fate is sure to turn them off, before 
 they can reach within many steps of the top : and 
 
 • The two principal qualifications of a fanatic preacher are, his 
 inward light, and his head full of maggots ; and the two different 
 fates of his writings are, to be burnt or worm-eaten. 
 
 * Here is pretended a defect in the manuscript ; and this is very 
 frequent with our author, either when he thinks he cannot say any- 
 thing worth reading, or when he has no mind to enter on the subject, 
 or when it is a matter of little moment, or perhaps to amuse his 
 reader, whereof he is frequently very fond, or, lastly, with some 
 satirical intention [1710]. 
 
 Thus a former commentator ; but it is obvious that the gap is left 
 to infer the danger of describing the factious partisan's progress to 
 that consummation which is the subject of discussion. — S. 
 
INTRODUCTION 415 
 
 because It is a preferment attained by transferring of 
 property, and a confounding of meum and tuum. 
 
 Under the stage -itinerant, are couched those produc- 
 tions designed for the pleasure and dehght of mortal 
 man ; such as, Six-penny-worth of Wit, Westminster 
 Drolleries, Dehghtful Tales, Compleat Jesters, and the 
 like ; by which the writers of and for Grub Street, have 
 in these latter ages so nobly triumphed over Time ; have 
 chpped his wings, pared his naUs, filed his teeth, turned 
 back his hour-glass, blunted his scythe, and drawn the 
 hob-nails out of his shoes. It is under this classis 
 I have presumed to list my present treatise, being just 
 come from having the honour conferred upon me to be 
 adopted a member of that illustrious fraternity. 
 
 Now, I am not unaware, how the productions of the 
 Grub Street brotherhood, have of late years fallen under 
 many prejudices, nor how it has been the perpetual 
 employment of two junior start-up societies to ridicule 
 them and their authors, as unworthy their established 
 post in the commonwealth of wit and learning. Their 
 own consciences will easily inform them, whom I mean ; 
 nor has the world been so neghgent a looker-on, as not 
 to observe the continual efforts made by the societies of 
 Gresham,"- and of Will's,^ to edity a name and reputation 
 upon the ruin of OURS. And this is yet a more feeling 
 grief to us, upon the regards of tenderness as weU as of 
 justice, when we reflect on their proceedings not only as 
 unjust, but as ungrateful, undutiful, and unnatural. 
 For how can it be forgot by the world or themselves (to 
 say nothing of our own records, which are fuU and clear 
 in the point), that they both are seminaries not only of 
 
 • Gresham College was the place where the Royal Society then met, 
 {rom whence they removed to Crane Court in Fleet Street. — H. 
 
 ' Will's coffee-house was formerly the place where the poets usually 
 met, which, though it be yet fresh in memory, yet in some years may 
 be forgot, and want this explanation. 
 
416 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 our planting, but our watering too ? I am informed, 
 our two rivals have lately made an offer to enter into the 
 Usts with united forces, and challenge us to a comparison 
 of books, both as to weight and number. In return to 
 which (with licence from our president), I humbly oflEer 
 two answers : first, we say, the proposal is like that 
 which Archimedes made upon a smaller affair,^ including 
 an impossibility in the practice ; for where can they 
 find scales of capacity enough for the first, or an arith- 
 metician of capacity enough for the second ? Secondly, 
 we are ready to accept the challenge, but with this con- 
 dition, that a third indifferent person be assigned, to 
 whose impartial judgement it shall be left to decide, 
 which society each book, treatise, or pamphlet, do most 
 properly belong to. This point, God knows, is very far 
 from being fixed at present ; for we are ready to pro- 
 duce a catalogue of some thousands, which in all common 
 justice ought to be entitled to our fraternity, but [are] by 
 the revolted and new-fangled writers most perfidiously 
 ascribed to the others. Upon all which, we think it very 
 unbecoming our prudence, that the determination should 
 be remitted to the authors themselves ; when our adver- 
 saries, by briguing and caballing, have caused so universal 
 a defection from us, that the greatest part of our society 
 hath already deserted to them, and our nearest friends 
 begin to stand aloof, as if they were half-ashamed to 
 own us. 
 
 This is the utmost I am authorized to say upon so 
 ungrateful and melancholy a subject ; because we are 
 extreme unwilling to inflame a controversy, whose con- 
 tinuance may be so fatal to the interests of us all, desir- 
 ing much rather that things be amicably composed; 
 and we shall so far advance on our side, as to be ready 
 to receive the two prodigals with open arms, whenever 
 > Tit, About moying the earth. 
 
INTRODUCTION 417 
 
 they shall think fit to return from their husks and their 
 harlots ; which, I think, from the present course of their 
 studies,^ they most properly may be said to be engaged 
 in ; and, like an indulgent parent, continue to them our 
 affection and our blessing. 
 
 But the greatest maim given to that general reception, 
 which the writings of our society have formerly received 
 (next to the transitory state of all sublunary things), 
 hath been a superficial vein among many readers of the 
 present age, who wiU by no means be persuaded to 
 inspect beyond the surface and the rind of things ; 
 whereas wisdom is a fox, who, after long hunting, will 
 at last cost you the pains to dig out. 'Tis a cheese, which, 
 by how much the richer, has the thicker, the homelier, 
 and the coarser coat ; and whereof, to a judicious palate, 
 the maggots are the best. 'Tis a sack-posset, wherein 
 the deeper you go, you will find it the sweeter. Wisdom 
 is a hen, whose cackling we must value and consider, 
 because it is attended with an egg. But then lastly, 'tis 
 a nut, which, unless you choose with judgement, may 
 cost you a tooth, and pay you with nothing but a worm. 
 In consequence of these momentous truths, the Grubasan 
 Sages have always chosen to convey their precepts and 
 their arts, shut up within the vehicles of types and fables, 
 which having been perhaps more careful and curious in 
 adorning, than was altogether necessary, it has fared 
 with these vehicles, after the usual fate of coaches over- 
 finely painted and gilt, that the transitory gazers have 
 so dazzled their eyes, and filled their imaginations with 
 the outward lustre, as neither to regard or consider the 
 person or the parts of the owner within. A misfortune 
 we undergo with somewhat less reluctancy, because it 
 has been common to us with Pythagoras, iEsop, Socrates, 
 and other of our predecessors. 
 
 > Virtuoso esperiments, and modem comedies. 
 
 ffWIFT ™ 
 
*18 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 However, that neither the world, nor ourselves, may 
 any longer sufEer by such misunderstandings, I have 
 been prevailed on, after much importunity from my 
 friends, to travel in a complete and laborious disserta- 
 tion, upon the prime productions of our society ; which, 
 beside their beautiful externals, for the gratification of 
 superficial readers, have darkly and deeply couched 
 under them the most finished and refined systems of all 
 sciences and arts ; as I do not doubt to lay open, by 
 untwisting or imwinding, and either to draw up by 
 exantlation, or display by incision. 
 
 This great work was entered upon some years ago, by 
 one of our most eminent members : he began with the 
 History of Reynard the, Fox,^ but neither lived to publish 
 his essay, nor to proceed farther in so useful an attempt ; 
 which is very much to be lamented, because the dis- 
 covery he made, and communicated with his friends, is 
 now universally received ; nor do I think any of the 
 learned will dispute that famous treatise to be a com- 
 plete body of civil knowledge, and the revelation, or 
 rather the apocalypse, of all State Arcana. But the 
 progress I have made is much greater, having already 
 finished my annotations upon several dozens ; from 
 some of which I shall impart a few hints to the candid 
 reader, as far as will be necessary to the conclusion at 
 which I aim. 
 
 The first piece I have handled Is that of Tom Thumb, 
 whose author was a Pythagorean philosopher. This dark 
 treatise contains the whole scheme of the Metempsy- 
 chosis, deducing the progress of the soul through all her 
 stages. 
 
 The next is Dr. Faustus, penned by Artephius, an 
 
 ' The Author seems here to be mistaken, for I have seen a Latin 
 edition of Reynard the Fox, above an hundred years old, which I take 
 to be the original ; for the rest, it has been thought by many people 
 to contain some satirical design in it. 
 
INTRODUCTION 419 
 
 author bonce notce, and an adeptus ; he published it in 
 the nine-hundred-eighty-fourth year of his age ^ ; this 
 writer proceeds wholly by reincrudation, or in the ma 
 humida ; and the marriage between Faustus and Helen 
 does most conspicuously dilucidate the fermenting of 
 the male and female dragon. 
 
 Whittington and his Cat is the work of that mysterious 
 rabbi, Jehuda Harmasi, containing a defence of the 
 Gremara of the Jerusalem Mishna,^ and its just preference 
 to that of Babylon, contrary to the vulgar opinion. 
 
 The Hind and Panther. This is the masterpiece of 
 a famous writer now living,' intended for a complete 
 abstract of sixteen thousand schoolmen, from Scotus 
 to Bellarmine. 
 
 Tommy Potts.* Another piece, supposed by the same 
 hand, by way of supplement to the former. 
 
 The Wise Men of Gotham, cum appendice. This is 
 a treatise of immense erudition, being the great original 
 and fountain of those arguments, bandied about both in 
 EVance and England, for a just defence of the modems' 
 learning and wit, against the presumption, the pride, and 
 the ignorance of the ancients. This unknown author 
 hath so exhausted the subject, that a penetrating reader 
 will easily discover whatever hath been written since 
 upon that dispute, to be little more than repetition. An 
 abstract of this treatise hath been lately published by 
 a worthy member of our society.^ 
 
 These notices may serve to give the learned reader 
 
 ' He lived a thousand. 
 
 ' The Gemara ia the decision, explanation, or interpretation of the 
 Jewish rabbis ; and the Mishna is properly the code or body of the 
 Jewish civil or common law. — H. 
 
 ' Viz. In the year 1698. 
 
 ' A popular ballad, then the favourite of the vulgar, now an object 
 of ambition to the collectors of black-letter. — S 
 
 ' This I suppose to be understood of Mr. W-tt-n's Discourse of 
 Ancient and Modern Learning. 
 
420 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 an idea, as well as a taste, of what the whole work is 
 likely to produce ; wherein I have now altogether cir- 
 cumscribed my thoughts and my studies ; and, if I can 
 bring it to a perfection before I die, shall reckon I have 
 weU employed the poor remains of an unfortunate life.* 
 This, indeed, is more than I can justly expect, from 
 a quiU worn to the pith in the service of the state, in 
 •pros and cotis upon Popish plots, and meal-tubs,^ and 
 exclusion bills, and passive obedience, and addresses of 
 lives and fortunes, and prerogative, and property, and 
 liberty of conscience, and letters to a friend : from an 
 understanding and a conscience thread-bare and ragged 
 with perpetual turning ; from a head broken in a hundred 
 places by the maUgnants of the opposite factions ; and 
 from a body spent with poxes ill cured, by trusting to 
 bawds and surgeons, who (as it afterwards appeared) 
 were professed enemies to me and the government, and 
 revenged their party's quarrel upon my nose and shins. 
 Fourscore and eleven pamphlets have I written under 
 three reigns, and for the service of six and thirty factions. 
 But, finding the state has no farther occasion for me 
 and my ink, I retire willin gly to draw it out into specu- 
 lations more becoming a philosopher ; having, to my 
 unspeakable comfort, passed a long life with a conscience 
 void of offence. 
 
 But to return. I am assured from the reader's can- 
 dour, that the brief specimen I have given, will easily 
 clear all the rest of our society's productions from an 
 aspersion grown, as it is manifest, out of envy and igno- 
 rance; that they are of little farther use or value to 
 
 ' Here the author seems to personate L'Estrange, Diyden, and 
 some others, who, after having passed their lives in vices, faction, 
 and falsehood, have the impudence to talk of merit and innocence and 
 sufferings. 
 
 ' In King Charles the Second's time, there was an account of 
 a Presbyterian plot, found in a tub, which then made much noise. 
 
INTRODUCTION 421 
 
 mankind, beyond the common entertainments of their 
 wit and their style ; for these I am sure have never yet 
 been disputed by our keenest adversaries : in both which, 
 as well as the more profound and mystical part, I have 
 throughout this treatise closely followed the most ap- 
 plauded originals. And to render aU complete, I have, 
 with much thought and application of mind, so ordered, 
 that the chief title prefixed to it (I mean that under 
 which I design it shall pass in the common conversations 
 of court and town) is modelled exactly after the manner 
 peculiar to our society. 
 
 I confess to have been somewhat liberal in the business 
 of titles,^ having observed the humour of multiplying 
 them, to bear great vogue among certain writers, whom 
 I exceedingly reverence. And indeed it seems not un- 
 reasonable that books, the children of the brain, should 
 have the honour to be christened with variety of names, 
 as well as other infants of quality. Our famous Dryden 
 has ventured to proceed a point farther, endeavouring to 
 introduce also a multiplicity of god-fathers ^ ; which is 
 an improvement of much more advantage, upon a very 
 obvious accoimt. 'Tis a pity this admirable invention 
 has not been better cultivated, so as to grow by this time 
 into general imitation, when such an authority serves it 
 for a precedent. Nor has my endeavours been wanting 
 to second so useful an example. But it seems there is an 
 unhappy expense usually annexed to the calling of a 
 god-father, which was clearly out of my head, as it is very 
 reasonable to believe. Where the pinch lay, I cannot cer- 
 tainly affirm ; but having employed a world of thoughts 
 and pains to split my treatise into forty sections, 
 and having entreated forty lords of my acquaintance, 
 
 • TIio title-page in the original was so torn, that it wa3 not possible 
 to recover several titles, which the author here speaks of, 
 ' See Virgil translated, &c. 
 He dedicated the different parts of Virgil to different patrons. — H. 
 
422 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 that they would do me the honour to stand, they 
 all made it a matter of conscience, and sent me their 
 excuses. 
 
 SECTION II 
 
 Once upon a time, there was a man who had three sous 
 by one wife,^ and all at a birth, neither could the midwife 
 tell certainly which was the eldest. Their father died 
 while they were young ; and upon his deathbed, calling 
 the lads to him, spoke thus : 
 
 ' Sons, because I have purchased no estate, nor was 
 bom to any, I have long considered of some good legacies 
 to bequeath you ; and at last, with much care, as well as 
 expense, have provided each of you (here they are) a new 
 coat.^ Now, you are to understand, that these coats 
 have two virtues contained in them : one is, that with 
 good wearing, they will last you fresh and sound as long 
 as you live ; the other is, that they wUl grow in the same 
 proportion with your bodies, lengthening and widening 
 of themselves, so as to be always fit. Here, let me see 
 them on you before I die. So, very well ; pray, children, 
 wear them clean, and brush them often. You will find 
 in my wUl ' (here it is) full instructions in every par- 
 ticular concerning the wearing and management of your 
 coats ; wherein you must be very exact, to avoid the 
 penalties I have appointed for every transgression or 
 neglect, upon which your future fortunes wUl entirely 
 depend. I have also commanded in my will, that you 
 
 ' By these three sons, Peter, Martin, and Jack, Popery, the Church 
 of England, and our Protestant dissenters, are designed. — W. Wotton. 
 
 * Byhis ooats which he gave his sons, the garments of the Israelite!. 
 — W. Wotton. 
 
 An error (with submission) of the learned commentator ; for by the 
 ooats are meant the doctrine and faith of Christianity, by the wisdom 
 of the Divine Founder fitted to all times, places, and circumstances. — 
 Lambin. 
 
 • The New Testament. 
 
A TALE 01" A TUB 423 
 
 should live together in one house like brethren and 
 friends, for then you mil be sure to thrive, and not other- 
 wise.' 
 
 Here the story says, this good father died, and the 
 three sons went all together to seek their fortunes. 
 
 I shall not trouble you with recounting what adven- 
 tures they met for the first seven years ; any farther than 
 by taking notice, that they carefully observed their 
 father's wiU, and kept their coats in very good order : 
 that they travelled through several countries, encoun- 
 tered a reasonable quantity of giants, and slew certain 
 dragons. 
 
 Being now arrived at the proper age for producing 
 themselves, they came up to town, and fell in love with 
 the ladies, but especially three, who about that time 
 were in chief reputation ; the Duchess d' Argent, Madame 
 de Grands Titres, and the Cbuntess d'OrgueU.'- On their 
 first appearance, our three adventurers met with a very 
 bad reception ; and soon with great sagacity guessing 
 out the reason, they quickly began to improve in the 
 good qualities of the town : they writ, and rallied, and 
 rhymed, and sung, and said, and said nothing : they 
 drank, and fought, and whored, and slept, and swore, and 
 took snuff : they went to new plays on the first night, 
 haunted the chocolate-houses, beat the watch, lay on 
 bulks, and got claps : they bilked hackney-coachmen, 
 ran in debt with shop-keepers, and lay with their wives : 
 they killed baihfis, kicked fiddlers down stairs, eat at 
 Locket's,* loitered at Will's : * they talked of the draw- 
 ing-room, and never came there : dined with lords they 
 
 » Thrar mistresses are the Dachess d' Argent, Mademoiselle de 
 Grands Titres, and the Countess d'Orgneil, i. e. covetonsness, ambi- 
 tion, and pride; which were the three great vices that the ancient 
 Fathers inveighed against, as the first corruptions of Christianity. — 
 W. WOTTON. 
 
 " A noted tavern. — S. ' See p. 415, note. 
 
424 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 never saw : whispered a duchess, and spoke never 
 a word : exposed the scrawls of their laundress for 
 billetdoux of quality : came ever just from court, and 
 were never seen in it : attended the Levee sub dio : got 
 a list of peers by heart in one company, and with great 
 familiarity retailed them in another. Above all, they 
 constantly attended those Committees of Senators, who 
 are silent in the House, and loud in the coffee-house ; 
 where they nightly adjourn to chew the cud of politics, 
 and are encompassed with a ring of disciples, who lie in 
 wait to catch up their droppings. The three brothers 
 had acquired forty other qualifications of the like stamp, 
 too tedious to recount, and by consequence were justly 
 reckoned the most accomplished persons in the town. 
 But all would not suffice, and the ladies aforesaid con- 
 tinued still inflexible. To clear up which difficulty 
 I must, with the reader's good leave and patience, have 
 recourse to some points of weight, which the authors of 
 that age have not sufficiently illustrated. 
 
 For about this time it happened a sect arose,'- whose 
 tenets obtained and spread very far, especially in the 
 grand monde, and among everybody of good fashion. 
 They worshipped a sort of idol,^ who, as their doctrine 
 deKvered, did daily create men by a kind of manufactory 
 operation. This idol they placed in the highest parts of 
 the hoTise, on an altar erected about three foot : he was 
 shewn in the posture of a Persian emperor, sitting on 
 a superficies, with his legs interwoven under him. This 
 god had a goose for his ensign, whence it is that some 
 learned men pretend to deduce his original from Jupiter 
 Capitolinus. At his left hand, beneath the altar. Hell 
 seemed to open, and catch at the animals the idol was 
 
 ' This is an occasional satire npon dress and fashion, in order to 
 Introduce what follows. 
 
 ' By this idol is meant a tailor. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 425 
 
 creating ; to prevent which, certain of his priests hourly 
 flung in pieces of the uninformed mass, or substance, and 
 sometimes whole Umbs already enlivened, which that 
 horrid gulf insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold. The 
 goose was also held a subaltern divinity or deus minorum 
 gentium, before whose shrine was sacrificed that creature, 
 whose hourly food is human gore, and who is in so great 
 renown abroad, for being the delight and favourite of the 
 ^Egyptian Cercopithecus.^ Millions of these animals were 
 cruelly slaughtered everyday, to appease the hunger of that 
 consuming deity. The chief idol was also worshipped 
 as the inventor of the yard and the needle ; whether as 
 the god of seamen, or on account of certain other mystical 
 attributes, hath not been sufficiently cleared. 
 
 The worshippers of this deity had also a system of 
 their behef, which seemed to turn upon the following 
 fundamental. They held the universe to be a large suit 
 of clothes, which Invests everything : that the earth is 
 invested by the air ; the air is invested by the stars ; and 
 the stars are Invested by the primum mobile. Look on 
 this globe of earth, you will find it to be a very complete 
 and fashionable dress. What is that which some call 
 land, but a fine coat faced with green ? or the sea, but 
 a waistcoat of water-tabby ? Proceed to the particular 
 works of the creation, you will find how curious Journey- 
 man Nature hath been, to trim up the vegetable beaux ; 
 observe how sparkish a periwig adorns the head of a 
 beech, and what a fine doublet of white satin is worn by 
 the birch. To conclude from all, what is man himself but 
 a micro-coat,^ or rather a complete suit of clothes with 
 aHits trimmings ? As to his body, there can be no dis- 
 pute : but examine even the acquirements of his mind, 
 
 ' The iEgyptians worshipped a monkey, which animal is very fond 
 of eating lice, styled here creatures that feed on human gore. 
 
 ' Alluding to the word microcosm, or a little world, as man hatb 
 been called by philosophers. 
 
426 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 you •will find them all contribute in their order towards 
 furnishing out an exact dress. To instance no more : is 
 not religion a cloak ; honesty a pair of shoes worn out 
 in the dirt ; self-love a surtout ; vanity a shirt ; and 
 conscience a pair of breeches ; which, though a cover for 
 lewdness as well as nastiness, is easily slipt down for the 
 service of both ? 
 
 These postulata being admitted, it wiU follow in due 
 course of reasoning, that those beings, which the world 
 calls improperly suits of clothes, are in reahty the most 
 refined species of animals ; or to proceed higher, that 
 they are rational creatures, or men. For is it not mani- 
 fest that they live, and move, and talk, and perform aU 
 other offices of human life ? Are not beauty, and wit, 
 and mien, and breeding, their inseparable proprieties ? 
 In short, we see nothing but them, hear nothing but 
 them. Is it not they who walk the streets, fill up 
 parliament-, coffee-, play-, bawdy-houses ? 'Tis true, 
 indeed, that these animals, which are vulgarly called 
 suits of clothes, or dresses, do, according to certain com- 
 positions, receive different appellations. If one of them 
 be trimmed up with a gold chain, and a red gown, and 
 a white rod, and a great horse, it is called a Lord-Mayor : 
 if certain ermines and furs be placed in a certain position, 
 we style them a Judge ; and so an apt conjunction of 
 lawn and black satin we entitle a Bishop. 
 
 Others of these professors, though agreeing in the 
 main system, were yet more refined upon certain branches 
 of it ; and held that man was an animal compounded of 
 two dresses, the natural and the celestial suit, which 
 were the body and the soul : that the soul was the out- 
 ward, and the body the inward clothing ; that the latter 
 was ex traduce ; but the former of daily creation and 
 circumfusion ; this last they proved by scripture, be- 
 cause in them we live, and move, and have our being ; 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 427 
 
 as likewise by philosophy, because they are all in all, and 
 all in every part. Besides, said they, separate these 
 two, and you will find the body to be only a senseless 
 unsavoury carcase. By all which it is manifest, that 
 the outward dress must needs be the soul. 
 
 To this system of rehgion, were tagged several subal- 
 tern doctrines, which were entertained with great vogue ; 
 as particularly, the faculties of the mind were deduced 
 by the learned among them in this manner ; embroidery 
 was sheer wit ; gold fringe was agreeable conversation ; 
 gold lace was repartee ; a huge long periwig was 
 humour ; and a coat full of powder was very good 
 raillery : all which required abundance of finesse and 
 delicatesse to manage with advantage, as well as a strict 
 observance after times and fashions. 
 
 I have, with much pains and reading, collected out of 
 ancient authors, this short summary of a body of philo- 
 sophy and divinity, which seems to have been composed 
 by a vein and race of thinking, very difEerent from any 
 other systems, either ancient or modern. And it was 
 not merely to entertain or satisfy the reader's curiosity, 
 but rather to give him light into several circumstances of 
 the following story ; that knowing the state of disposi- 
 tions and opinions in an age so remote, he maj^ better 
 comprehend those great events, which were the issue of 
 them. I advise therefore the courteous reader to peruse 
 with a world of application, again and again, whatever 
 I have written upon this matter. And leaving these 
 broken ends, I carefully gather up the chief thread of my 
 story and proceed.^ 
 
 ' The first part of the Tale is the history of Peter ; thereby Popery 
 is exposed : everybody knows the Papists have made great additions 
 to Christianity ; that, indeed, is the great exception which the Church 
 of England makes against them j accordingly Peter begins his pranks 
 with adding a shoulder-knot to his coat. — W. Wotton. 
 
 His description of the cloth of which the coat was made, has a far- 
 ther meaning than the words may seem to import : ' The coats theii 
 
428 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 These opinions, therefore, were so universal, as well as 
 the practices of them, among the refined part of court 
 and town, that our three brother-adventurers, as their 
 circumstances then stood, were strangely at a loss. For, 
 on the one side, the three ladies they addressed them- 
 selves to (whom we have named already) were ever at 
 the very top of the fashion, and abhorred all that were 
 below it but the breadth of a hair. On the other side, 
 their father's will was very precise, and it was the main 
 precept in it, with the greatest penalties aimexed, not 
 to add to, or diminish from, their coats one thread, with- 
 out a positive command in the will. Now, the coats 
 their father had left them were, 'tis true, of very good 
 cloth, and, besides, so neatly sewn, you would swear they 
 were all of a piece ; but, at the same time, very plain, 
 and with little or no ornament : and it happened, that 
 before they were a month in town, great shoulder-knots ^ 
 came up : straight all the world was shoulder-knots ; no 
 approaching the ladies' ruelles without the quota of 
 shoulder-knots. That fellow, cries one, has no soul, 
 where is his shoulder-knot ? Our three brethren soon 
 discovered their want by sad experience, meeting in 
 their walks with forty mortifications and indignities. 
 If they went to the play-house, the door-keeper shewed 
 them into the twelve-penny gallery. If they called 
 a boat, says a waterman, I am first sculler. If they 
 stepped to the Rose to take a bottle, the drawer would 
 cry, Friend, we sell no ale. If they went to visit a lady, 
 
 father had left them were of very good cloth, and, besides, so neatly 
 sewn, you would swear it had been all of a piece ; but, at the same 
 time, very plain, with little or no ornament.' This is the distinguish- 
 ing character of the Christian religion : Christiana religio dbsolvta et 
 simplex, was Ammianus Maroellinus's description of it, who was 
 himself a heathen. — W. Wottoit. 
 
 ' By this is understood the first introducing of pageantry, and 
 unnecessary ornaments in the Church, such as were neither for con- 
 venience nor edification, aa a shoulder-knot, in which there is neither 
 symmetry nor use. 
 
A TALE OP A TUB 429 
 
 a footman met them at the door, with, Pray send up your 
 message. In this unhappy case, they went immediately 
 to consult their father's will, read it over and over, but 
 not a word of the shoulder-knot. What should they 
 do ? What temper should they find ? Obedience was 
 absolutely necessary, and yet shoulder-knots appeared 
 extremely requisite. After much thought, one of the 
 brothers, who happened to be more book-learned than 
 the other two, said, he had found an expedient. ' 'Tis 
 true,' said he, ' there is nothing here in this will, totidetn 
 verbis,^ making mention of shoulder-knots : but I dare 
 conjecture we may find them inclusive, or totidem syllabis.' 
 This distinction was immediately approved by all ; and 
 BO they fell again to examine the will. But their evU star 
 had so directed the matter, that the first syllable was not 
 to be found in the whole writing. Upon which disappoint- 
 ment, he who found the former evasion, took heart, and 
 said, ' Brothers, there is yet hopes ; for though we cannot 
 find them totidem verbis, nor totidem syllabis, I dare 
 engage we shall make them out, tertio modo, or totidem 
 Uteris.' This discovery was also highly commended, 
 upon which they fell once more to the scrutiny, and 
 picked out S,H,0,U,L,D,E,R ; when the same planet, 
 enemy to their repose, had wonderfully contrived, that 
 a K was not to be found. Here was a weighty difficulty 1 
 But the distinguishing brother (for whom we shall here- 
 after find a name) now his hand was in, proved by 
 a very good argument, that K was a modem illegitimate 
 letter, imknown to the learned ages, nor anywhere to be 
 found in ancient manuscripts, Calendse hath in Q.V.C.* 
 
 > When the Papists cannot find anything which they want in Scrip- 
 (nre, they go to oral tradition : thus Peter is introduced satisfied 
 with the tedious way of looking tor all the letters of any word, which 
 he has occasion for in the WUl, when neither the constituent syUables, 
 nor much less the whole word, were there in terminia. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' Quibusdam veteribus oodicibus ; i. e. some ancient manuscripts. 
 
430 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 been sometimes writ with a K, but erroneously ; for in 
 the best copies it has been ever spelt with a C. And by 
 consequence it was a gross mistake in our language to 
 spell Knot with a K ; but that from henceforward he 
 would take care it should be writ with a C. Upon 
 this aU farther difficulty vanished ; shoulder-knots 
 were made clearly out to be jure paterno : and our three 
 gentlemen swaggered with as large and as flaunting ones 
 as the best. 
 
 But, as human happiness is of a very short duration, 
 so in those days were human fashions, upon which it 
 entirely depends. Shoulder-knots had their time, and 
 we must now imagine them in their decline ; for a certain 
 lord came just from Paris, with fifty yards of gold lace 
 upon his coat, exactly trimmed after the court fashion 
 of that month. In two days all mankind appeared closed 
 up in bars of gold lace : ^ whoever durst peep abroad 
 without his compliment of gold lace, was as scandalous 
 as a — , and as ill received among the women. What 
 should our three knights do in this momentous affair ? 
 They had sufficiently strained a point already in the 
 afiair of shoulder-knots. Upon recourse to the will, 
 nothing appeared there but altum silentium. That of the 
 shoulder-knots was a loose, fljdng, circumstantial point ; 
 but this of gold lace seemed too considerable an alteration 
 without better warrant. It did aliquo modo essentice 
 adhcerere, and therefore required a positive precept. 
 But about this time it fell out, that the learned brother 
 aforesaid had read Aristotelis Dialectica, and especially 
 that wonderful piece de Interpretatione, which has the 
 faculty of teaching its readers to find out a meaning in 
 everything but itself, like commentators on the Revela- 
 
 ' I cannot tell whether the author means any new innovation by 
 this word, or whether it be only to introduce the new methods ot 
 forcing and perverting Scripture. 
 
A TALE OP A TUB 431 
 
 dons, who proceed prophets without understanding a 
 syllable of the text. ' Brothers,' said he, * you are to 
 be informed,^ that of wills duo sunt genera, nuncupatory * 
 and scriptory ; that to the scriptory will here before us, 
 there is no precept or mention about gold lace, conceditur : 
 but, si idem affirmetur de nuncupatorio, negatur. (For, 
 brothers, if you remember, we heard a fellow say, when 
 we were boys, that he heard my father's man say, that he 
 heard my father say, that he would advise his sons to get 
 gold lace on their coats, as soon as ever they could 
 procure money to buy it.' ' By G — ! that is very true,' 
 cries the other ; ' I remember it perfectly well,' said the 
 third. And so without more ado, they got the largest 
 gold lace in the parish, and walked about as fine as lords. ) 
 
 A while after there came up all in fashion a pretty sort 
 of flame-coloured satin * for linings ; and the mercer 
 brought a pattern of it immediately to our three gentle- 
 men : ' An please your worships,' said he,* * my Lord 
 
 C and Sir J. W. had linings out of this very piece 
 
 last night ; it takes wonderfully, and I shall not have 
 a remnant left enough to make my wife a pin-cushion, by 
 
 • The next subject of our author's wit is the glosses and interpreta- 
 tions of Scripture ; very many absurd ones of which are allowed in the 
 most authentic books of the Church of Rome. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' By this is meant tradition, allowed to have equal authority with 
 the scripture, or rather greater. 
 
 ■ This is purgatory, whereof he speaks more particularly hereafter ; 
 but here, only to shew how Scripture was perverted to prove it, 
 which was done by giving equal authority with the Canon to Apo- 
 crypha, called here a codicil annexed. 
 
 It is likely the author, in every one of these changes in the brothers' 
 dresses, refers to some particular error in the Church of Rome, though:^' 
 it is not easy, I think, to apply them all : but by this of flame- 
 coloured satin, is manifestly intended purgatory ; by gold lace may 
 perhaps be understood, the lofty ornaments and plate in the churches; 
 the shoulder-knots and silver fringe are not so obvious, at least to me ; 
 but the Indian figures of men, women and children, plainly relate to 
 the pictures in the Romish churches, of God like an old man, of the 
 Virgin Mary, and our Saviour as a child. 
 
 ' This shews the time the author writ, it being about fourteen years 
 since those two persons were reckoned the fine gentlemen of the town 
 
432 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 to-morrow morning at ten a'clock.' Upon this, they fell 
 again to rummage the will, because the present case also 
 required a positive precept, the lining being held by 
 orthodox writers to be of the essence of the coat. After 
 long search, they could fix upon nothing to the matter in 
 hand, except a short advice of their father's in the will, 
 to take care of fire, and put out their candles before they 
 went to sleep.^ This, though a good deal for the purpose, 
 and helping very far towards self-conviction, yet not 
 seeming wholly of force to establish a command ; and 
 being resolved to avoid farther scruple, as well as future 
 occasion for scandal, says he that was the scholar, ' I 
 remember to have read in wills of a codicil aimexed, 
 which is indeed a part of the will, and what it contains 
 hath equal authority with the rest. Now, I have been 
 considering of this same will here before us, and I cannot 
 reckon it to be complete for want of such a codicil : I will 
 therefore fasten one in its proper place very dexterously : 
 I have had it by me some time ; it was written by 
 a dog-keeper of my grandfather's,* and talks a great 
 deal (as good luck would have it) of this very flame- 
 coloured satin.' The project was immediately approved 
 by the other two ; an old parchment scroll was tagged 
 on according to art, in the form of a codicil annexed, 
 and the satin bought and worn. 
 
 / Next winter, a player, hired for the purpose by the 
 
 ! corporation of fringe-makers, acted his part in a new 
 
 comedy, all covered with silver fringe,' and, according 
 
 .^to the laudable custom, gave rise to that fashion. Upon 
 which the brothers, consulting their father's will, to their 
 
 ■ That is, to take care of hell ; and, in order to do that, to subdue 
 and extinguish their lusts. 
 
 ' I believe this refers to that part of the Apocrypha, where mention 
 is made of Tobit and his dog. 
 
 ' This is certainly the farther introducing the pomps of habit and 
 ornament. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 433 
 
 great astonishment found these words ; ' Item, I charge 
 and command my said three sons to wear no sort of 
 silver fringe upon or about their said coats,' etc., 
 ■with a penalty, in case of disobedience, too long here to 
 insert. However, after some pause, the brother so often 
 mentioned for his erudition, who was well skilled in 
 criticisms, had found in a certain author, which he said 
 should be nameless, that the same word, which in the 
 will is called fringe, does also signify a broom-stick, and 
 doubtless ought to have the same interpretation in this 
 paragraph. This another of the brothers disliked, be- 
 cause of that epithet silver, which could not, he humbly 
 conceived, in propriety of speech, be reasonably applied 
 to a broom-stick ; but it was replied upon him, that this 
 epithet was understood in a mythological and allegorical 
 sense. However, he objected again, why their father 
 should forbid them to wear a broom-stick on their coats, 
 a caution that seemed unnatural and impertinent ; upon 
 which he was taken up short, as one that spoke irrever- 
 ently of a mystery, which doubtless was very useful and 
 significant, but ought not to be over-curiously pried into, 
 or nicely reasoned upon. And, in short, their father's 
 authority being now considerably sunk, this expedient 
 was allowed to serve as a lawful dispensation for wearing 
 their full proportion of silver fringe. 
 
 A while after was revived an old fashion, long anti- 
 quated, of embroidery with Indian figures of men, women, 
 and children.^ Here they remembered but too well how 
 their father had always abhorred this fashion ; that he 
 made several paragraphs on purpose, importing his utter 
 detestation of it, and bestowing his everlasting curse to his 
 
 • The images of saints, the blessed Virgin, and our Saviour an 
 infant. 
 
 Ibid. Images in the Church of Rome give him but too fair a handle. 
 The brothers remembered, &c. The allegory here is direct. — W. 
 
 WOTTOK. 
 
434 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 eons •whenever they should wear it. For all this. In 
 a few days they appeared higher in the fashion than 
 anybody else in the town. But they solved the matter 
 by saying, that these figures were not at all the same 
 with those that were formerly worn, and were meant in 
 the wUl. Besides, they did not wear them in the sense 
 as forbidden by their father ; but as they were a com- 
 mendable custom, and of great use to the public. That 
 these rigorous clauses in the will did therefore require 
 some allowance, and a favourable interpretation, and 
 ought to be understood cum grano sails. 
 
 But fashions perpetually altering in that age, the 
 scholastic brother grew weary of searching farther 
 evasions, and solving everlasting contradictions ; re- 
 solved, therefore, at aU hazards, to comply with the 
 modes of the world, they concerted matters together, and 
 agreed unanimously to lock up their father's wiU in a 
 strong box,^ brought out of Greece or Italy (I have forgot 
 which), and trouble themselves no farther to examine it, 
 but only refer to its authority whenever they thought fit. 
 In consequence whereof, a while after it grew a general 
 mode to wear an infinite number of points, most of them 
 tagged with sUver : upon which, the scholar pronounced 
 ex cathedra,^ that points were absolutely jure patemo, 
 as they might very well remember. 'Tis true, indeed, the 
 fashion prescribed somewhat more than were directly 
 
 ' The Papists formerly forbade the people the use of soriptnre in 
 a vulgar tongue ; Peter therefore locks up his father's will in a strong 
 box, brought out of Greece or Italy. Those countries are named, 
 because the New Testament is written in Greek ; and the vulgar 
 Latin, which is the authentic edition of the Bible in the Church of 
 Rome, is in the language of old Italy. — W. Wottoit. 
 
 " The popes, in their decretals and bulla, have given their sanction 
 to very many gainful doctrines, which are now received in the Church 
 of Borne, that are not mentioned in scripture, and are unknown to the 
 primitive church. Peter, accordingly, pronounces ex cathedra, that 
 points tagged with silver were absolutely jure patemo ; and so they 
 wore them in great numbers. — W. Wotton. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 435 
 
 named in the will ; however, that they, as heirs-general 
 of their father, had power to make and add certain 
 clauses for public emolument, though not deducible, 
 totidem verbis, from the letter of the will, or else multa 
 absurda sequerentur. This was understood for canonical, 
 and therefore on the following Sunday they came to 
 church all covered with points. 
 
 The learned brother, so often mentioned, was reckoned 
 the best scholar in all that, or the next street to it ; inso- 
 much as, having run something behind-hand with the 
 world, he obtained the favour from a certain lord,'- 
 to receive him into his house, and to teach his children. 
 A while after the lord died, and he, by long practice of 
 his father's will, found the way of contriving a deed of 
 conveyance of that house to himself and his heirs ; 
 upon which he took possession, turned the young squires 
 out, and received his brothers in their stead. 
 
 SECTION III 
 
 A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS 
 
 Though I have been hitherto as cautious as I could, 
 upon all occasions, most nicely to follow the rules and 
 methods of writing laid down by the example of our 
 illustrious moderns ; yet has the unhappy shortness of 
 my memory led me into an error, from which I must 
 immediately extricate myself, before I can decently 
 
 • TMs was Constantine the Great, from whom the popes pretend 
 a donation of St. Peter's patrimony, which they have been never abU) 
 to produce. 
 
 Ihid. The bishops of Rome enjoyed their privileges in Rome at first 
 by the favour of emperors, whom at last they shut out of their own 
 capital city, and then forged a donation from Constantine the Great, 
 the better to justify what they did. In imitation of this, Peter, 
 having run something behind-hand in the world, obtained leave of 
 a certain lord, &o. — W. Wotton. 
 
436 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 pursue my principal subject. I confess Tnth shame, It 
 was an unpardonable omission to proceed so far as I have 
 already done, before I had performed the due discourses, 
 expostulatory, supplicatory, or deprecatory, with my 
 good lords the critics. Towards some atonement for 
 this grievous neglect, I do here make humbly bold, to 
 present them with a short account of themselves and 
 their art, by looking into the original and pedigree of the 
 word, as it is generally understood among us, and very 
 briefly considering the ancient and present state thereof. 
 By the word critic, at this day so frequent in all 
 conversations, there have sometimes been distinguished 
 three very different species of mortal men, according as 
 I have read in ancient books and pamphlets. For first, 
 by this term was understood such persons as invented 
 
 ; or drew up rules for themselves and the world, by 
 observing which, a careful reader might be able to pro- 
 nounce upon the productions of the learned, from his 
 taste to a true relish of the sublime and the admirable, 
 and divide every beauty of matter or of style from the 
 corruption that apes it. In their common perusal of 
 books, singling out the errors and defects, the nauseous, 
 the fulsome, the dull, and the impertinent, with the cau- 
 
 P^tion of a man that walks through Edinburgh streets in 
 a morning, who is indeed as careful as he can to watch 
 diligently, and spy out the filth in his way ; not that he 
 is curious to observe the colour and complexion of the 
 ordure, or take its dimensions, much less to be paddling 
 in, or tasting it ; but only with a design to come out as 
 cleanly as he may. These men seem, though very 
 erroneously, to have understood the appellation of critic 
 in a literal sense ; that one principal part of his office 
 was to praise and acquit ; and that a critic, who sets up 
 to read only for an occasion of censure and reproof, is 
 a creature as barbarous as a judge, who should take up 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITiaS 437 
 
 a resolution to hang all men that came before him upon 
 a trial. 
 
 Again, by the word critic have been meant, the re- 
 storers of ancient learning from the worms, and graves, 
 and dust of manuscripts. 
 
 Now the races of those two have been for some ages 
 utterly extinct ; and besides, to discourse any farther 
 of them, would not be at aU to my purpose. 
 
 The third and noblest sort, is that of the TRUE 
 CRITIC, whose original is the most ancient of all. 
 Every true critic is a hero born, descending in a direct 
 line, from a celestial stem by Momus and Hybris, who 
 begat ZoUus, who begat Tigellius, who begat Etcaatera 
 the elder ; who begat Bentley, and Rymer, and Wotton, 
 and Perrault, and Dennis, who begat Etcaetera the 
 younger. 
 
 And these are the critics, from whom the common- 
 wealth of learning has in aU ages received such immense 
 benefits, that the gratitude of their admirers placed their 
 origin in Heaven, among those of Hercules, Theseus, 
 Perseus, and other great deservers of mankind. But 
 heroic virtue itself, hath not been exempt from the 
 obloquy of evil tongues. For it hath been objected, 
 that those ancient heroes, famous for their combating 
 80 many giants; and dragons, and robbers, were in their 
 own persons a greater nuisance to mankind, than any 
 of those monsters they subdued ; and therefore to 
 render their obhgations more complete, when all other 
 vermin were destroyed, should in conscience have con- 
 cluded Avith the same justice upon themselves. Hercules 
 most generously did, and hath upon that score procured 
 to himself more temples and votaries, than the best of 
 his fellows. For these reasons, I suppose, it is, why 
 some have conceived, It would be very expedient for 
 the public good of learning, that every true critic, as soon 
 
438 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 as he had finished his task assigned, should immediately 
 deliver himself up to ratsbane, or hemp, or [leap] from 
 some convenient altitude; and that no man's preten- 
 sions to so illustrious a character should by any means 
 be received, before that operation were performed. 
 
 Now, from this heavenly descent of criticism, and the 
 close analogy it bears to heroic virtue, 'tis easy to assign 
 the proper employment of a true ancient genuine critic ; 
 which is, to travel through this vast world of writings ; 
 / to pursue and hunt those monstrous faults bred within 
 ' them ; to drag out the lurking errors, like Cacus from 
 his den ; to multiply them like Hydra's heads ; and rake 
 them together like Augeas's dung ; or else drive away 
 a sort of dangerous fowl, who have a perverse inclina- 
 tion to plunder the best branches of the tree of knowledge, 
 like those stymphaUan birds that eat up the fruit. 
 
 These reasonings will furnish us with an adequate 
 definition of a true critic : that he is a discoverer and 
 collector of writers' faults. Which may be farther put 
 beyond dispute by the following demonstration : — ^That 
 whoever will examine the writings in all kinds, wherewith 
 this ancient sect has honoured the world, shall imme- 
 diately find, from the whole thread and tenor of them, 
 that the ideas of the authors have been altogether con- 
 versant and taken up with the faults, and blemishes, 
 and oversights, and mistakes of other writers ; and, let 
 the subject treated on be whatever it will, their imagina- 
 tions are so entirely possessed and replete with the 
 defects of other pens, that the very quintessence of what 
 ^s bad does of necessity distil into their own ; by which 
 means the whole appears to be nothing else but an 
 abstract of the criticisms themselves have made. 
 
 Having thus briefly considered the original and office 
 of a critic, as the word is understood in its most noble and 
 universal acceptation, I proceed to refute the objections 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS 439 
 
 of those who argue from the silence and pretermission of 
 authors ; by which they pretend to prove, that the very 
 art of criticism, as now exercised, and by me explained, is 
 wholly modem ; and consequently, that the critics of 
 Great Britain and France have no title to an original so 
 ancient and illustrious as I have deduced. Now, if I 
 can clearly make out, on the contrary, that the most 
 ancient writers have particularly described both the 
 person and the office of a true critic, agreeable to the 
 definition laid down by me, their grand objection, from 
 the silence of authors, wiU fall to the ground. 
 
 I confess to have for a long time borne a part in this 
 general error : from which I should never have acquitted 
 myself, but through the assistance of our noble modems ; 
 whose most edifying volumes I turn indefatigably over 
 night and day, for the improvement of my mind, and 
 the good of my country. These have, with unwearied 
 pains, made many useful searches into the weak sides of 
 the ancients, and given us a comprehensive list of them.^ 
 Besides, they have proved beyond contradiction, that 
 the very finest things delivered of old, have been long 
 since invented, and brought to light by much later pens ; 
 and that the noblest discoveries those ancients ever made, 
 of art or of nature, have all been produced by the tran- 
 scending genius of the present age. Which clearly 
 shows, how little merit those ancients can justly pretend 
 to ; and takes o£E that blind admiration paid them by 
 men in a comer, who have the unhappiness of conversing 
 too little with present things. Reflecting maturely upon 
 aU this, and taking in the whole compass of human 
 nature, I easily concluded, that these ancients, highly 
 sensible of their many imperfections, must needs have 
 endeavoured, from some passages in their works, to 
 obviate, soften, or divert the censorious reader, by 
 
 ' See Wotton, OJ Ancient and Modem Learning. 
 
440 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 satire, or panegyric upon the true critics, in imitation 
 of their masters, the moderns. Now, in the common- 
 places of both these,! I was plentifully instructed, by 
 a long course of useful study in prefaces and prologues ; 
 and therefore immediately resolved to try what I could 
 discover of either, by a diligent perusal of the most 
 ancient writers, and especially those who treated of the 
 earliest times. Here I found, to my great surprise, that 
 although they all entered, upon occasion, into particular 
 descriptions of the true critic, according as they were 
 governed by their fears or their hopes ; yet, whatever 
 they touched of that kind, was with abundance of 
 caution, adventuring no farther than mythology and 
 hieroglyphic. This, I suppose, gave ground to super- 
 ficial readers, for urging the silence of authors, against 
 the antiquity of the true critic, though the types are so 
 apposite, and the applications so necessary and natural, 
 that it is not easy to conceive how any reader of a modem 
 eye and taste could overlook them. I shall venture 
 from a great number to produce a few, which, I am very 
 confident, will put this question beyond dispute. 
 
 It well deserves considering, that these ancient writers, 
 in treating enigmatically upon the subject, have gener- 
 ally fixed upon the very same hieroglyph, varying only 
 the story according to their affections or their wit. For 
 first : Pausanias is of opinion, that the perfection of 
 writing correct was entirely owing to the institution of 
 critics ; and that he can possibly mean no other than the 
 true critic, is, I think, manifest enough from the follow- 
 ing description. He says, they were a race of men, who 
 delighted to nibble at the superfluities, and excrescen- 
 cies of books ; which the learned at length observing, 
 took warning, of their own accord, to lop the luxuriant, 
 the rotten, the dead, the sapless, and the overgrown 
 
 ' Satire and panegyric upon critics. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS 441 
 
 branches from their worlcs. But now, all this he 
 cunningly shades under the following allegory ; that 
 the Nauphans in Argia ^ learned the art of pruning their 
 vines, by observing, that when an ASS had browsed upon 
 one of them, it thrived the better, and bore fairer fruit. 
 But Herodotus,* holding the very same hieroglyph, 
 speaks much plainer, and almost in terminis. He hath 
 been so bold as to tax the true critics of ignorance and 
 malice ; telling us openly, for I think nothing can be 
 plainer, that in the western part of Libya, there were 
 ASSES with HORNS: upon which relation Ctesias^ 
 yet refines, mentioning the very same animal about 
 India, adding, that whereas all other ASSES wanted 
 a gall, these homed ones were so redundant in that 
 part, that their flesh was not to be eaten, because of its 
 extreme bitterness. 
 
 Now, the reason why those ancient writers treated 
 this subject only by types and figures, was, because they 
 durst not make open attacks against a party so potent 
 and so terrible, as the critics of those ages were ; whose 
 very voice was so dreadful, that a legion of authors 
 would tremble, and drop their pens at the sound : 
 for so Herodotus tells us expressly in another place,* 
 how a vast army of Scytliians was put to flight in a 
 panic terror, by the braying of an ASS. From hence it 
 is conjectured by certain profound philologers, that the 
 great awe and reverence paid to a true critic, by the 
 writers of Britain, have been derived to us from those 
 our Scythian ancestors. In short, this dread was so 
 universal, that, in process of time, those authors, who 
 had a mind to publish their sentiments more freely, 
 In describing the true critics of their several ages, were 
 
 • Lib. [2.]. ■ Lib. A 
 ' Vide excerpta ex eo apud Pliotium. 
 
 • Lib. 4. 
 
442 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 forced to leave off the use of the former hieroglyph, as 
 too nearly approaching the prototype, and invented 
 other terms instead thereof, that were more cautious 
 and mystical. So Diodorus,^ speaking to the same 
 purpose, ventures no farther than to say, that in the 
 mountains of Helicon, there grows a certain weed, which 
 bears a flower of so damned a scent, as to poison those 
 who offer to smell it. Lucretius gives exactly the same 
 relation : 
 
 Est etiam magnis Heliconia montibus arbor, 
 Floria odore hominem taetro oonsueta neoare.' 
 
 Lib. 6. 
 
 But Ctesias, whom we lately quoted, hath been a great 
 deal bolder ; he had been used with much severity by 
 the true critics of his own age, and therefore could not 
 forbear to leave behind him at least one deep mark of 
 his vengeance against the whole tribe. His meaning is 
 so near the surface, that I wonder how it possibly came 
 to be overlooked by those who deny the antiquity of 
 true critics. For, pretending to make a description of 
 many -strange animals about India, he hath set down 
 these remarkable words : 'Amongst the rest,' says he, 
 ' there is a serpent that wants teeth, and consequently 
 cannot bite ; but if its vomit (to which it is much 
 addicted) happens to fall upon anything, a certain 
 rottenness or corruption ensues. These serpents are 
 generally found among the mountains, where jewels 
 grow, and they frequently emit a poisonous juice : 
 whereof whoever drinks, that person's brains fly out of 
 his nostrils.' 
 
 There was also among the ancients a sort of critic, not 
 distinguished in species from the former, but in growth 
 or degree, who seem to have been only the tyros OT 
 
 • Lib. 
 
 * Near Helicon, and round the learned hill, 
 
 Grow treea, whose blossoms with their odour kilL 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS 443 
 
 junior scholars ; yet, because of their differing employ- 
 ments, they are frequently mentioned as a sect by 
 themselves. The usual exercise of these younger 
 students, was, to attend constantly at theatres, and 
 learn to spy out the worst parts of the play, whereof 
 they were obliged carefully to take note, and render 
 a rational account to their tutors. Fleshed at these 
 smaller sports, like young wolves, they grew up in time 
 to be nimble and strong enough for hunting down large 
 game. For it hath been observed both among ancients 
 and moderns, that a true critic hath one quality in 
 common with a whore and an alderman, never to change 
 his title or his nature ; that a gray critic has been 
 certainly a green one, the perfections and acquirements 
 of his age being only the improved talents of his youth ; 
 like hemp, which some naturalists inform us is bad for 
 BufEocations, though taken but in the seed. I esteem 
 the invention, or at least the refinement of prologues, 
 to have been owing to these younger proficients, of 
 whom Terence makes frequent and honourable mention, 
 under the name of tnalevoli. 
 
 Now, 'tis certain, the institution of the true critics 
 was of absolute necessity to the commonwealth of 
 learning. For all human actions seem to be divided, 
 like Themistocles and his company ; one man can fiddle, 
 and another can make a small town a great city ; and 
 he that cannot do either one or the other, deserves to 
 be kicked out of the creation. The avoiding of which 
 penalty has doubtless given the first birth to the nation 
 of critics ; and withal, an occasion for their secret 
 detractors to report, that a true critic is a sort of mechanic, 
 set up with a stock and tools for his trade, at as little 
 expense as a tailor ; and that there is much analogy 
 between the utensils and abilities of both : that the 
 tailor's hell is the type of a critic's common-place book. 
 
444, A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 and his wit and learning held forth by the goose ; that 
 It requires at least as many of these to the making up 
 of one scholar, as of the others to the composition of 
 a man ; that the valour of both is equal, and their 
 weapons near of a size. Much may be said in answer 
 to those invidious reflections ; and I can positively 
 affirm the first to be a falsehood : for, on the contrary, 
 nothing is more certain, than that it requires greater 
 layings out, to be free of the critic's company, than of 
 any other you can name. For, as to be a true beggar, 
 it will cost the richest candidate every groat he is worth ; 
 so, before one can commence a true critic, it will cost 
 a man all the good qualities of his mind ; which, perhaps, 
 for a less purchase, would be thought but an indifferent 
 bargain. 
 
 Having thus amply proved the antiquity of criticism, 
 and described the primitive state of it, I shall now 
 examine the present condition of this empire, and shew 
 how well it agrees with its ancient self. A certain 
 author,"- whose works have many ages since been 
 entirely lost, does, in his fifth book, and eighth chapter, 
 say of critics, that their writings are the mirrors of 
 learning. This I understand in a literal sense, and 
 suppose our author must mean, that whoever designs 
 to be a perfect writer, must inspect into the books of 
 critics, and correct his invention there, as in a mirror. 
 Now, whoever considers, that the mirrors of the ancients 
 were made of brass, and sine mer curio, may presently 
 apply the two principal qualifications of a true modem 
 critic, and consequently must needs conclude, that 
 these have always been, and must be for ever the same. 
 For brass is an emblem of duration, and, when it is 
 skilfully burnished, will cast reflections from its own 
 
 ■ A qnotation after the manner of a great author. Vide Bentley'a 
 Diaaertation, dec. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS 445 
 
 superficies, without any assistance of mercury from 
 behind. All the other talents of a critic will not require 
 a particular mention, being included, or easily deducible 
 to these. However, I shall conclude with three maxims, 
 which may serve both as characteristics to distinguish 
 a true modern critic from a pretender, and will be also 
 of admirable use to those worthy spirits, who engage in 
 so useful and honourable an art. 
 
 The first is, that criticism, contrary to all other 
 faculties of the intellect, is ever held the truest and best, 
 when it is the very first result of the critic's mind ; as 
 fowlers reckon the first aim for the surest, and seldom 
 fail of missing the mark, if they stay not for a second. 
 
 Secondly, the true critics are known by their talent of 
 swarming about the noblest writers, to which they are 
 carried merely by instinct, as a rat to the best cheese, 
 or a wasp to the fairest fruit. So when the king is on 
 horseback, he is sure to be the dirtiest person of the 
 company ; and they that make their court best, are 
 such as bespatter him most. 
 
 Lastly, a true critic, in the perusal of a book, is like 
 a dog at a feast, whose thoughts and stomach are wholly 
 set upon what the guests fling away, and consequently 
 is apt to snarl most when there are the fewest bones. 
 
 Thus much, I think, is suflacient to serve by way of 
 address to my patrons, the true modern critics ; and 
 may very well atone for my past silence, as well as that 
 which I am like to observe for the future. I hope I have 
 deserved so well of their whole body, as to meet with 
 generous and tender usage at their hands. Supported 
 by which expectation, I go on boldly to pursue those 
 adventiures already so happily begun. 
 
446 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 SECTION IV 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 I HAVE now with much pains and study conducted the 
 reader to a period, where he must expect to hear of great 
 revolutions. For no sooner had our learned brother, 
 so often mentioned, got a warm house of his own over 
 his head, than he began to look big, and to take mightily 
 upon him ; insomuch, that unless the gentle reader, 
 out of his great candour, will please a little to exalt his 
 idea, I am afraid he wiU henceforth hardly know the 
 hero of the play, when he happens to meet him ; his 
 part, his diess, and his mien being so much altered. 
 
 He told his brothers, he would have them to know 
 that he was their elder, and consequently his father's 
 sole heir ; nay, a while after, he would not allow them 
 to call him brother, but Mr. PETER ; and then he 
 must be styled Father PETER ; and sometimes. My 
 Lord PETER. To support this grandeur, which he 
 soon began to consider could not be maintained without 
 a better fonde than what he was bom to, after much 
 thought, he cast about at last to turn projector and 
 virtuoso, wherein he so weU succeeded, that many 
 famous discoveries, projects, and machines, which bear 
 great vogue and practice at present in the world, are 
 owing entirely to Lord Peter's invention. I wUl 
 deduce the best account I have been able to collect of 
 the chief amongst them, without considering much the 
 order they came out in ; because, I think, authors are 
 not well agreed as to that point. 
 
 I hope, when this treatise of mine shall be translated 
 into foreign languages (as I may without vanity afiSrm, 
 that the labour of collecting, the faithfulness in recount- 
 ing, and the great usefulness of the matter to the pubUo, 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 447 
 
 will amply deserve that justice) that the worthy mem- 
 bers of the several academies abroad, especially those of 
 France and Italy, wUl favom:ably accept these humble 
 oflEers, for the advancement of universal knowledge. 
 I do also advertise the most reverend fathers, the 
 Eastern Missionaries, that I have, purely for their sakes, 
 made use of such words and phrases, as will best admit 
 an easy turn into any of the oriental languages, especially 
 the Chinese. And so I proceed with great content of 
 mind, upon reflecting, how much emolument this whole 
 globe of Earth is like to reap by my labours. 
 
 The first undertaking of Lord Peter, was, to purchase 
 a large continent,^ lately said to have been discovered 
 In Terra Australia Incognita. This tract of land he 
 bought at a very great penny-worth, from the discoverers 
 themselves (though some pretend to doubt whether 
 they had ever been there), and then retailed it into 
 several cantons to certain dealers, who carried over 
 colonies, but were all shipwrecked in the voyage. 
 Upon which Lord Peter sold the said continent to other 
 customers again, and again, and again, and again, with 
 the same success. 
 
 The second project I shall mention, was his sovereign 
 remedy for the worms,* especially those in the spleen.' 
 The patient was to eat nothing after supper for three 
 nights : as soon as he went to bed, he was carefully 
 to lie on one side, and when he grew weary, to turn upon 
 the other. He must also duly confine his two eyes to 
 the same object : and by no means break wind at both 
 
 ' That is. Purgatory. 
 
 * Penance and absolution are played upon under the notion of 
 a sovereign remedy for the worms, especially in the spleen, which, by 
 observing Peter's prescription, would void insensibly by perspiration, 
 ascending through the brain, &o. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' Here the author ridicules the penances of the Church of Borne, 
 which may be made as easy to the sinner as he pleases, provided he will 
 pay for them accordingly. 
 
448 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 ends together, without manifest occasion. These pre- 
 scriptions diligently observed, the worms would void 
 insensibly by perspiration, ascending through the brain. 
 
 A third invention was the erecting of a whispering- 
 office,^ for the public good, and ease of all such as are 
 hypochondriacal, or troubled with the colic ; as mid- 
 wives, small poHticians, friends fallen out, repeating 
 poets, lovers happy or in despair, bawds, privy-coun- 
 sellors, pages, parasites, and bufioons : in short, of all 
 such as are in danger of bursting with too much wind. 
 An ass's head was placed so conveniently, that the 
 party affected, might easily with his mouth accost either 
 of the animal's ears ; which he was to apply close for 
 a certain space, and by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to 
 the ears of that animal, receive immediate benefit, 
 either by eructation, or expiration, or evomition. 
 
 Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter's was, 
 an office of insurance ^ for tobacco-pipes, martyrs of the 
 
 modem zeal, volumes of poetry, shadows, and 
 
 rivers : that these, nor any of these, shall receive 
 damage by fire. From whence our friendly societies may 
 plainly find themselves to be only transcribers from this 
 original ; though the one and the other have been of great 
 benefit to the undertakers, as well as of equal to the pubKc. 
 
 Lord Peter was also held the original author of 
 puppets and raree-shows ; * the great usefulness whereof 
 being so generally known, I shall not enlarge farther 
 upon this particular. 
 
 But another discovery, for which he was much 
 
 ' By hifl whispering-offioo, for the relief of eaves-droppera, 
 physicians, bawds, and privy-oounsellors, he ridicules auricular 
 confession ; and the priest who takes it, is described by the ass's 
 head. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' This I take to be the office of indulgences, the gross abuses 
 whereof first gave occasion for the Reformation. 
 
 ' I believe are the monkeries and ridiculous processions, &c., 
 among the papists. 
 
A TALE OP A TUB 449 
 
 renowned, was his famous universal pickle."- For, having 
 remarked how your common pickle,^ in use among 
 housewives, was of no farther benefit than to preserve 
 dead flesh, and certain kinds of vegetables, Peter, with 
 great cost as well as art, had contrived a pickle proper 
 for houses, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and 
 cattle ; wherein he could preserve them as sound as 
 insects in amber. Now, this pickle to the taste, the 
 smell, and the sight, appeared exactly the same with 
 what is in common service for beef, and butter, and 
 herrings (and has been often that way applied with 
 great success) ; but, for its many sovereign virtues, 
 was a quite different thing. For Peter would put in 
 a certain quantity of his powder pimperlimpimp,^ after 
 which it never failed of success. The operation was 
 performed by spargefaction,* in a proper time of the 
 moon. The patient who was to be pickled, if it were 
 a house, would infallibly be preserved from all spiders, 
 rats, and weasels. If the party affected were a dog, 
 he should be exempt from mange, and madness, and 
 hunger. It also infallibly took away aU scabs and lice, 
 and scalled heads from children, never hindering the 
 patient from any duty, either at bed or board. 
 
 But of all Peter's rarities, he most valued a certain 
 set of bulls,^ whose race was by great fortune preserved 
 
 ' Holy water, he calls an universal pickle, to preserve houses, 
 gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could 
 preserve them as sound as insects in amber. — W. Wotton. 
 
 " This is easily understood to be holy water, composed of the same 
 ingredients with many other pickles. 
 
 ' And because holy water differs oijy in consecration from com- 
 mon water, therefore he tells us that his pickle by the powder of 
 pimperlimpimp receives new virtues, though it differs not in sight 
 nor smell from the common pickles, which preserve beef, and butter, 
 and herrings. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' Sprinkling. — H. 
 
 ' The papal bulls are ridiculed by name, so that here we are at no 
 loss for the author's meaning. — W. Wotton. 
 
 Ibid. Here the author has kept the name, and means the pope's 
 
 «W1FT Q 
 
450 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 in a lineal descent from those that guarded the golden 
 fleece. Though some who pretended to observe them 
 curiously, doubted the breed had not been kept entirely 
 chaste ; because they had degenerated from their 
 ancestors in some quahties, and had acquired others 
 very extraordinary, but a foreign mixture. The bulls of 
 Colchos are recorded to have brazen feet ; but whether 
 it happened by ill pasture and running, by an aUay 
 from intervention of other parents, from stolen intrigues ; 
 whether a weakness in their progenitors had impaired 
 the seminal virtue, or by a decline necessary through 
 a long course of time, the originals of nature being 
 depraved in these latter sinful ages of the world ; what- 
 ever was the cause, 'tis certain, that Lord Peter's bulls 
 were extremely vitiated by the rust of time in the metal 
 of their feet, which was now sunk into common lead. 
 However, the terrible roaring, pecuUar to their lineage, 
 was preserved ; as likewise that faculty of breathing 
 out fire from their nostrils ; which, notwithstanding, 
 many of their detractors took to be a feat of art ; to be 
 nothing so terrible as it appeared ; proceeding only 
 from their usual course of diet, which was of squibs and 
 crackers.^ However, they had two peculiar marks, 
 which extremely distinguished them from the buUs of 
 Jason, and which I have not met together in the descrip- 
 tion of any other monster, beside that in Horace : — 
 
 Varias inducere plumas ; 
 
 and 
 Atrum definit in piscem. 
 
 For these had fishes' tails, yet upon occasion could outfly 
 any bird in the air. Peter put these bulls upon several 
 
 bulls, or rather his fulminations, and exoommunioationa of heretical 
 prinoea, all signed with lead and the seal of the fisherman. 
 
 ' These are the fulminations of the pope, threatening hell and 
 damnation to those princes who oSend him. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 451 
 
 employs. Sometimes he would set them a-roaring to 
 fright naughty boys,^ and make them quiet. Sometimes 
 he -would send them out upon errands of great impor- 
 tance ; where, it is wonderful to recount, and perhaps 
 the cautious reader may think much to believe it, an 
 a/ppetUvs sensibilis, deriving itself through the whole 
 family from their noble ancestors, guardians of the 
 golden fleece, they continued so extremely fond of gold, 
 that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only upon 
 a oompUment, they would roar, and spit, and belch, 
 and piss, and fart, and snivel out fire, and keep a per- 
 petual coil, till you flung them a bit of gold ; but then, 
 jtulveris exigui jactu, they would grow calm and quiet 
 as lambs. In short, whether by secret connivance, or 
 encouragement from their master, or out of their own 
 liquorish affection to gold, or both, it is certain they 
 were no better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering beggars ; 
 and where they could not prevail to get an alms, would 
 make women miscarry, and children fall into flts, who 
 to this very day, usually call sprights and hobgobUns by 
 the name of bull-beggars. They grew at last so very 
 troublesome to the neighbourhood, that some gentlemen 
 of the north-west got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, 
 and baited them so terribly, that they felt it ever after. 
 I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's pro- 
 jects, which was very extraordinary, and discovered him 
 to be master of a high reach, and profound invention. 
 Whenever it happened that any rogue of Newgate was 
 condemned to be hanged, Peter would offer him a pardon 
 for a certain sum of money ; which when the poor caitiff 
 had made all shifts to scrape up, and send, his lordship 
 would return a piece of paper in this form.'' 
 
 " That is, kings who inonx his displeasure. 
 ' This is a copy of a general pardon, signed Sermis Servorum. 
 Ibid, Absolution in articuU) mortis, and the tax camerce ayoato- 
 licce, are jested upon in Emperor Peter's letter. — W. Wotton. 
 
452 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 'TO all mayors, sheriffs, jaDors, constables, bailiffs, 
 hangmen, &c. Whereas we are informed, that A. B. 
 remains in the hands of you, or any of you, under the 
 sentence of death. We will and command you, upon 
 sight hereof, to let the said prisoner depart to his own 
 habitation, whether he stands condemned for murder, 
 sodomy, rape, sacrilege, incest, treason, blasphemy, &c., 
 for which this shall be your sufficient warrant : and if 
 you fail hereof, G — d — mn you and yours to all eternity. 
 And so we bid you heartily farewell. 
 
 Your most humble 
 man's man, 
 
 Emperor PETER.' 
 
 The wretches, trusting to this, lost their lives and 
 money too. 
 
 I desire of those, whom the learned among posterity 
 will appoint for commentators upon this elaborate 
 treatise, that they will proceed with great caution upon 
 certain dark points, wherein all, who are not vere adepti, 
 may be in danger to form rash and hasty conclusions, 
 especially in some mysterious paragraphs, where certain 
 arcana are joined for brevity sake, which in the operation 
 must be divided. And I am certain, that future sons 
 of art will return large thanks to my memory, for so 
 grateful, so useful an innuendo. 
 
 It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader that 
 so many worthy discoveries met with great success in 
 the world ; though I may justly assure him, that I have 
 related much the smallest number ; my design having 
 been only to single out such as will be of most benefit 
 for public imitation, or which best served to give some 
 idea of the reach and wit of the inventor. And therefore 
 it need not be wondered at, if, by this time, Lord Peter 
 was become exceeding rich. But, alas ! he had kept his 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 453 
 
 brain so long and so violently upon the rack, that at last 
 it shook itself, and began to turn round for a little ease. 
 In short, what with pride, projects, and knavery, poor 
 Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest 
 imaginations in the world. In the height of his fits (as 
 it is usual with those who run mad out of pride) he would 
 call himself God Almighty,^ and sometimes monarch of 
 the universe. I have seen him (says my author) take 
 three old high-crowned hats,' and clap them all on 
 his head three story high, with a huge bunch of keys 
 at his girdle,' and an angling-rod in his hand. In which 
 guise, whoever went to take him by the hand in the way 
 of salutation, Peter with much grace, like a well-educated 
 spaniel, would present them with his foot ; * and if they 
 refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as 
 their chops, and give them a danmed kick on the mouth, 
 which hath ever since been called salute. Whoever 
 walked by without paying him their compliments, having 
 a wonderful strong breath, he would blow their hats off 
 into the dirt. Meantime his affairs at home went upside 
 down, and his two brothers had a wretched time ; where 
 his first boutade ^ was, to kick both their wives one morn- 
 ing out of doors, and his own too ; ' and in their stead, 
 gave orders to pick up the first three strollers could be 
 met with in the streets. A while after he naUed up the 
 cellar-door, and would not allow his brothers a drop 
 
 ' The Pope is not only allowed to be the vicar of Christ, but by 
 aeveral divines is called God upon earth, and other blasphemous titles. 
 
 ' The triple crown. 
 
 ' The keys of the church. 
 
 Ibid. The Pope's universsd monarchy, and his triple crown and 
 fisher's ring. — W. Wotton. 
 
 * Neither does his arrogant way of requiring men to kiss his slipper 
 escape reflection. — Wotton. 
 
 ' This word properly signifies a sudden jerk, or lash of a horse, 
 when you do not expect it. 
 
 * The celibacy of the Romish clergy is struck at in Peter's beating 
 his own and brothers' wives out of doors. — W. Wotton. 
 
454 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 of drink to their victuals.^ Dining one day at an alder- 
 man's in thie city, Peter observed him expatiating, after 
 the manner of his brethren, in the praises of his sirloin 
 of beef. Beef, said the sage magistrate, is the king of 
 meat ; beef comprehends in it the quintessence of part- 
 ridge, and quail, and venison, and pheasants, and plum- 
 pudding, and custard. When Peter came home, he 
 would needs take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine 
 into use, and apply the precept, in default of a sirloin, 
 to his brown loaf : ' Bread,' says he, ' dear brothers, is 
 the stafE of life ; in which bread is contained, inclusive, 
 the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal, venison, part- 
 ridge, plum-pudding, and custard : and, to render all 
 complete, there is intermingled a due quantity of water, 
 whose crudities are also corrected by yeast or barm, 
 through which means it becomes a wholesome fermented 
 liquor diffused through the mass of the bread.' Upon 
 the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner, 
 was the brown loaf served up in all the formality of 
 a city feast. ' Come, brothers,' said Peter, ' fall to, and 
 spare not ; here is excellent good mutton ; * or hold, 
 now my hand is in, I'll help you.' At which word, in 
 much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two 
 good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his 
 brothers. The elder of the two, not suddenly entering 
 into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language 
 to examine the mystery. ' My lord,' said he, ' I doubt, 
 with great submission, there may be some mistake.' 
 ' What,' says Peter, ' you are pleasant ; come then, let 
 us hear this jest your head is so big with.' ' None in 
 
 The Pope's refusing the cup to the laity, persuading them that 
 the blood is contained in the bread, and that the bread is the real and 
 entire body of Christ. 
 
 " Transubatantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and 
 according to the popish dootrino of concomitants, his wine too, which 
 in his way he calls palming his damned crusts upon the brothers for 
 mutton.^W. WoTTON. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 455 
 
 the world, my lord ; but unless I am very much deceived, 
 your lordship was pleased a while ago to let fall a word 
 about mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my 
 heart.' ' How,' said Peter, appearing in great surprise, 
 ' I do not comprehend this at all.' — Upon which, the 
 younger interposing to set the business right, ' My lord,' 
 said he, ' my brother, I suppose, is hungry, and longs 
 for the mutton your lordship hath promised us to dinner.' 
 ' Pray,' said Peter, ' take me along with you ; either 
 you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I 
 approve of. If you there do not like your piece, I will 
 carve you another, though I should take that to be the 
 choice bit of the whole shoulder.' ' What then, my lord,' 
 replied the first, ' it seems this is a shoulder of mutton 
 all this while ? ' ' Pray, sir,' says Peter, ' eat your vic- 
 tuals, and leave o£E your impertinence, if you please, for 
 I am not disposed to relish it at present.' But the other 
 could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected 
 seriousness of Peter's countenance. ' By G — , my lord,' 
 said he, ' I can only say, that to my eyes, and fingers, and 
 teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of 
 bread.' Upon which the second put in his word : ' I 
 never saw a piece of mutton in my life so nearly resem- 
 bling a slice from a twelve-penny loaf.' ' Look ye, 
 gentlemen,' cries Peter in a rage, ' to convince you what 
 a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful puppies you 
 are, I will use but this plain argument ; by G — , it is 
 true, good, natural mutton as any in Leadenhall market ; 
 and G — confound you both eternally, if you offer to 
 believe otherwise.' Such a thundering proof as this left 
 no further room for objection ; the two unbelievers 
 began to gather and pocket up their mistake as hastily 
 as they could. ' Why, truly,' said the first, ' upon more 
 mature consideration' — 'Ay,' says the other, inter- 
 rupting him, 'now I have thought better on the thing, 
 
456 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 your lordship seems to have a great deal of reason.' 
 ' Very well,' said Peter ; ' here, boy, fill me a beer-glass 
 of claret ; here's to you both, with all my heart.' The 
 two brethren, much delighted to see him so readily 
 appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and said 
 they would be glad to pledge his lordship. ' That you 
 shall,' said Peter ; ' I am not a person to refuse you 
 anything that is reasonable : wine, moderately taken, 
 is a cordial ; here is a glass a-piece for you ; 'tis true 
 natural juice from the grape, none of your damned 
 vintner's brewings.' Having spoke thus, he presented 
 to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them 
 drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would do them no 
 hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the 
 usual office in such delicate conjunctures, of staring 
 a sufficient period at Lord Peter and each other, and 
 finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to 
 enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the poitlt as 
 he pleased ; for he was now got into one of his mad fits, 
 and to argue or expostulate further, would only serve 
 bo render him a hundred times more untractable. 
 
 I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its 
 circumstances, because it gave a principal occasion to 
 that great and famous rupture,'- which happened about 
 the same time among these brethren, and was never 
 afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large 
 in another section. 
 
 However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his 
 lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common 
 conversation, extreme wilful and positive, and would at 
 any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself 
 once to be in an error. Besides, he had an abominable 
 faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions ; 
 and swearing, not only to the truth, but cursing the 
 ' By this rupture is meant the Bef ormation. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 457 
 
 whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the 
 least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he 
 had a cow ^ at home, which gave as much milk at a meal, 
 as would fill three thousand churches ; and what was 
 yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another 
 time he was telling of an old sign-post,* that belonged to 
 his father, with nails and timber enough on it to build 
 sixteen large men-of-war. Talking one day of Chinese 
 waggons, which were made so light as to sail over moun- 
 tains : — ' Z ds,' said Peter, ' where's the wonder of 
 
 that ? By Gr — , I saw a large house of lime and stone ' 
 travel over sea and land (granting that it stopped some- 
 times to bait) above two thousand German leagues.' 
 And that which was the good of it, he would swear 
 desperately all the while, that he never told a lie in his 
 life ; and at every word : ' By G — , gentlemen, I tell 
 you nothing but the truth : and the D — 1 broil them 
 eternally, that will not believe me.' 
 
 In short, Peter grew so scandalous that all the neigh- 
 bourhood began in plain words to say, he was no better 
 than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his 
 ill usage, resolved at last to leave him ; but first they 
 humbly desired a copy of their father's will, which had 
 now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of 
 granting this request, he called them damned sons of 
 whores, rogues, traitors, and the rest of the vile names 
 he could muster up. However, while he was abroad 
 
 ' The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary's milk among the 
 papists, under the allegory of a cow, which gave as much milk at 
 a meal as would fill three thousand churches. — W. Wotton. 
 
 ' By this sign-post is meant the cross of our Blessed Saviour. 
 
 " The chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous 
 inventions of popery ; the Church of Eome intended by these things 
 to gull silly, superstitious people, and rook them of their money ; the 
 world had been too long in slavery, our ancestors gloriously redeemed 
 us from that yoke. The Church of Rome therefore ought to be exposed, 
 and he deserves well of mankind that does expose it. — W. Wotton. 
 
 Ibid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy Land 
 to Italy. 
 
458 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched 
 their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will,* 
 and took a copia vera, by which they presently saw how 
 grossly they had been abused ; their father having left 
 them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that what- 
 ever they got should lie in common among them all. 
 Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was to break 
 open the cellar-door, and get a little good drink,^ to 
 spirit and comfort their hearts. In copying the will, 
 they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, 
 and separate maintenance ; upon which their next work ' 
 was to discard their concubines, and send for their wives. 
 Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters a solicitor 
 from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure 
 a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. 
 But the two brothers told him, he was a coxcomb to 
 seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged 
 much better than his client ; and discovered all the 
 method of that imposture, in the same form I delivered 
 it a while ago, advising the solicitor to put his friend 
 upon obtaining a pardon from the king.* In the midst 
 of all this clutter and revolution, in comes Peter with 
 a file of dragoons * at his heels, and gathering from all 
 hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after 
 several millions of scurrilities and curses, not very 
 important here to repeat, by main force very fairly 
 kicks them both out of doors,' and would never let them 
 come under his roof from that day to this. 
 
 ' Translated the scriptures into the vulgar tongues. 
 
 ' Administered the cup to the laity at the communion. 
 
 ' Allowed the marriages of priests. 
 
 " Directed penitents not to trust to pardons and absolutions pro- 
 cured for money, but sent them to implore the mercy of God, from 
 whence alone remission is to be obtained. 
 
 ' By Peter's dragoons is meant the civil power, which those princes 
 who were bigoted to the Romish superstition, employed against the 
 reformers. 
 
 • The Pope shuts all who dissent from him out of the Church. 
 
A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND 459 
 
 SECTION V 
 
 A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND 
 
 We, whom the world is pleased to honour with the 
 title of modern authors, should never have been able to 
 compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance, 
 and never-djdng fame, if our endeavours had not been 
 80 highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. 
 This, universe ! is the adventurous attempt of me 
 thy secretary : 
 
 Quemvis perferre laborem 
 
 Suadet, et induoit nootes vigilare ssrenas. 
 
 To this end, I have some time since, with a world of 
 pains and art, dissected the carcass of human nature, 
 and read many useful lectures upon the several parts, 
 both containing and contained ; till at last it smelt so 
 strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which, I 
 have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with 
 exact contexture, and in due symmetry ; so that I am 
 ready to shew a very complete anatomy thereof, to all 
 curious gentlemen and others. But not to digress farther 
 in the midst of a digression, as I have known some 
 authors enclose digressions in one another, like a nest 
 of boxes ; I do affirm, that having carefully cut up 
 human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and 
 important discovery, that the public good of mankind 
 is performed by two ways, instruction and diversion. 
 And I have farther proved, in my said several readings 
 (which perhaps the world may one day see, if I can pre- 
 vail on any friend to steal a copy, or on certain gentle- 
 men of my admirers to be very importunate), that as 
 mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater 
 advantage by being diverted than instructed ; his 
 epidemical diseases being fastidiosity, amorphy, and 
 
460 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 oscitation ; whereas, in the present universal empire of 
 wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for 
 instruction. However, in compliance with a lesson of 
 great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the 
 point in all its heights ; and, accordingly, throughout 
 this divine treatise, have sldlfully kneaded up both 
 together, with a layer of utile, and a layer of dulce. 
 
 When I consider how exceedingly our illustrious 
 moderns have eclipsed the weak glimmering lights of 
 the ancients, and turned them out of the road of all 
 fashionable commerce, to a degree, that our choice 
 town wits,^ of most refined accomplishm^ents, are in 
 grave dispute, whether there have been ever any ancients 
 or no : in which point, we are like to receive wonderful 
 satisfaction from the most useful labours and lucubra- 
 tions of that worthy modem. Dr. B — ^tley : I say, when 
 I consider all this, I cannot but bewail, that no famous 
 modem hath ever yet attempted an universal system, 
 in a small portable volume, of all things that are to be 
 known, or believed, or imagined, or practised in life. 
 I am, however, forced to acknowledge, that such an 
 enterprise was thought on some time ago by a great 
 philosopher of O. Brazile.* The method he proposed 
 was, by a certain curious receipt, a nostrum, which, 
 after his untimely death, I found among his papers, and 
 do here, out of my great afiection to the modem learned, 
 present them with it, not doubting it may one day 
 encourage some worthy undertaker. 
 
 * The learned person here meant by our author, hath been endea- 
 vouring to annihilate so many ancient writers, that, until he is pleased 
 to stop his hand, it will be dangerous to afSrm, whether there have 
 been any ancients in the world. 
 
 ' This is an imaginary island, of kin to that which is called the 
 Painters' Wives Island, placed in some unknown part of the ocean, 
 merely at the fancy of the map-maker. — 1710. 
 
 There was a belief that the inhabitants of the Isleof Arran could, 
 at certain times, distinguish an enchanted island, called by them 
 O Brazil.— S. 
 
A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND 461 
 
 Tou take fair correct copies, well bound in calf's-akin, 
 and lettered at the back, of all modern bodies of arts and 
 sciences whatsoever, and in what language you please. 
 These you, distil in balneo Marise, infusing quintessence 
 of poppy Q.S., together with three pints of Lethe, to be had 
 from the apothecaries. You cleanse away carefully the 
 sordes and caput mortuum, letting all that is volatile 
 evaporate. You preserve only the first running, which 
 is again to be distilled seventeen times, till what remains 
 will amount to about two drams. This you keep in a glass 
 vial, hermetically sealed, for one-and-twenty days. Then 
 you begin your catholic treatise, taking every morning 
 fasting (first shaking the vial), three drops of this elixir, 
 snuffing it strongly up your nose. It will dilate itself about 
 the brain (where there is any), in fourteen minutes, and 
 you immediately perceive in your head an infinite number 
 of abstracts, summaries, compendiums, extracts, collections, 
 medulas, excerpta quBodams, florilegias, and the like, 
 all disposed into great order, and reducible upon paper. 
 
 I must needs own, it was by the assistance of this 
 arcanum, that I, though otherwise impar, have adven- 
 tured upon so daring an attempt, never achieved or 
 undertaken before, but by a certain author called Homer, 
 in whom, though otherwise a person not without some 
 abilities, and, for an ancient, of a tolerable genius, I have 
 discovered many gross errors, which are not to be for- 
 given his very ashes, if, by chance, any of them are left. 
 For whereas we are assured he designed his work for 
 a complete body of all knowledge,^ human, divine, 
 political, and mechanic, it is manifest he hath wholly 
 neglected some, and been very imperfect in the rest. 
 For, first of all, as eminent a cabalist as his disciples 
 would represent him, his account of the opus magnum 
 
 » Homerus omnes res humanas poematis oomplexus eat. — Xenoph, 
 In Conviv. 
 
462 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 is extremely poor and deficient ; he seems to have read 
 but very superficially either Sendivogus, Behmen, or 
 Anthroposophia Theomagica} He is also quite mistaken 
 about the sphaera pyroplastica, a neglect not to be atoned 
 for ; and (if the reader will admit so severe a censure), 
 vix crederem autorem hunc unquam audivisse ignis vocem. 
 His failings are not less prominent in several parts of 
 the mechanics. For, having read his writings with the 
 utmost application, usual among modern wits, I could 
 never yet discover the least direction about the structure 
 of that useful instrument, a save-all. For want of which, 
 if the modems had not lent their assistance, we might 
 yet have wandered in the dark. But I have still behind a 
 fault far more notorious to tax this author with ; I mean, 
 his gross ignorance in the common laws of this realm, 
 and in the doctrine as well as discipline of the Church 
 of England.^ A defect, indeed, for which both he, and 
 all the ancients, stand most justly censured, by my 
 worthy and ingenious friend, Mr. W-tton, Bachelor of 
 Divinity, in his incomparable treatise of Ancient and 
 Modern Learning : a book never to be sufficiently valued, 
 whether we consider the happy turns and Sowings of the 
 author's wit, the great usefulness of his sublime dis- 
 coveries upon the subject of flies and spittle, or the 
 laborious eloquence of his style. And I cannot forbear 
 doing that author the justice of my public acknowledg- 
 ments, for the great helps and liftings I had out of his 
 incomparable piece, while I was penning this treatise. 
 
 ' A treatise written about fifty years ago, by a Welsh gentleman of 
 Cambridge. His name, as I remember, was Vaughau, as appears by 
 the answer to it writ by the learned Dr. Henry More. It is a piece of 
 the most unintelligible fustian, that perhaps was ever published in any 
 
 ' Mr. W-tt-n (to whom our author never gives any quarter) in 
 his comparison of ancient and modern learning, numbers divinity, 
 law, &o., among those parts of knowledge wherein we excel the 
 ancients. 
 
A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND 463 
 
 But, beside these omissions in Homer, already men- 
 tioned, the curious reader will also observe several 
 defects in that author's writings, for which he is not 
 altogether so accountable. For whereas every branch 
 of knowledge has received such wonderful acquirements 
 since his age, especially within these last three years, or 
 thereabouts, it is almost impossible he could be so very 
 perfect in modem discoveries as his advocates pretend. 
 We freely acknowledge him to be the inventor of the 
 compass, of gunpowder, and the circulation of the blood : 
 but I challenge any of his admirers to show me, in all 
 his writings, a complete account of the spleen. Does he 
 not also leave us wholly to seek in the art of political 
 wagering ? What can be more defective and unsatis- 
 factory than his long dissertation upon tea ? And as to 
 his method of salivation without mercury, so much cele- 
 brated of late, it is, to my own knowledge and experience, 
 a thing very little to be relied on. 
 
 It was to supply such momentous defects, that I have 
 been prevailed on, after long solicitation, to take pen in 
 hand ; and I dare venture to promise, the judicious 
 reader shall find nothing neglected here, that can be of 
 use upon any emergency of life. I am confident to have 
 included and exhausted all that human imagination can 
 rise or fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the perusal 
 of the learned certain discoveries that are wholly un- 
 touched by others ; whereof I shall only mention, among 
 a great many more, my New Help of Smatterers, or the 
 Art of being Deep-learned and Shallow-read ; A Curiou.t 
 Invention about Mouse-Traps ; A Universal Rule of 
 Reason, or Every Man his own Carver ; together with 
 a most useful engine for catching of owls. All which the 
 judicious reader will find largely treated on in the several 
 parts of this discourse. 
 
 I hold myself obliged to give as much light as is 
 
464 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 possible, into the beauties and excellencies of what I am 
 writing : because it is become the fashion and humour 
 most applauded among the iirst authors of this polite 
 and learned age, when they would correct the ill-nature 
 of critical, or inform the ignorance of courteous readers. 
 Besides, there have been several famous pieces lately 
 published, both in verse and prose, wherein, if the writers 
 had not been pleased, out of their great humanity and 
 affection to the public, to give us a nice detail of the 
 sublime and the admirable they contain, it is a thousand 
 to one, whether we should ever have discovered one 
 grain of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny, 
 that whatever I have said upon this occasion, had been 
 more proper in a preface, and more agreeable to the mode 
 which usually directs it there. But I here think fit to 
 lay hold on that great and honourable privilege, of being 
 the last writer. I claim an absolute authority in right, 
 as the freshest modern, which gives me a despotic power 
 over all authors before me. In the strength of which 
 title, I do utterly disapprove and declare against that 
 pernicious custom, of making the preface a bill of fare 
 to the book. For I have always looked upon it as a high 
 point of indiscretion in monster-mongers, and other 
 retailers of strange sights, to hang out a fair large picture 
 over the door, drawn after the life, with a most eloquent 
 description underneath. This hath saved me many 
 a threepence ; for my curiosity was fully satisfied, and 
 I never offered to go in, though often invited by the 
 urging and attending orator, with his last moving and 
 standing piece of rhetoric : ' Sir, upon my word, we are 
 just going to begin.' Such is exactly the fate, at this 
 time, of Prefaces, Epistles, Advertisements, Introduc- 
 tions, Prolegomenas, Apparatuses, To the Readers. This 
 expedient was admirable at first ; o ur great Jryden 
 has long carried it as far as it would go, and with in- 
 
A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND 465 
 
 credible success. He has often said to me in confidence, 
 that the world would have never suspected him to be 
 BO great a poet, if he had not assured them so frequently 
 in his prefaces, that it was impossible they could either 
 doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be so ; however,' 
 I much fear, his instructions have edified out of their 
 place, and taught men to grow wiser in certain points, 
 where he never intended they should ; for it is lament- 
 able to behold, with what a lazy scorn many of the 
 yawning readers in our age, do now-a-days twirl over 
 forty or fifty pages of preface and dedication (which is 
 the usual modem stint), as if it were so much Latin. 
 Though it must be also allowed on the other hand, that 
 a very considerable number is known to proceed critics 
 and wits, by reading nothing else. Into which two 
 factions, I think, all present readers may justly be 
 divided. Now, for myself, I profess to be one of the 
 former sort ; and therefore, having the modem inclina- 
 tion, to expatiate upon the beauty of my own productions, 
 and display the bright parts of my discourse, I thought 
 best to do it in the body of the work ; where, as it now 
 lies, it makes a very considerable addition to the bulk 
 of the volume ; a circumstance by no means to be neg- 
 lected by a skilful writer. 
 
 Having thus paid my due deference and acknowledg- 
 ment to an established custom of our newest authors, 
 by a long digression unsought for, and an universal 
 censure unprovoked, by forcing into the light, with much 
 pains and dexterity, my own excellencies, and other 
 men's defaults, with great justice to myself, and can- 
 dour to them, I now happily resume my subject, to the 
 infinite satisfaction both of the reader and the author. 
 
466 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 SECTION VI 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 We left Lord Peter in open rupture with his two 
 brethren ; both for ever discarded from his house, and 
 resigned to the wide world, with little or nothing to trust 
 to. Which are circumstances that render them proper 
 subjects for the charity of a writer's pen to work on, 
 scenes of misery ever affording the fairest harvest for 
 great adventures. And in this the world may perceive 
 the difference between the integrity of a generous author 
 and that of a common friend. The latter is observed to 
 adhere close in prosperity, but on the decline of fortune 
 to drop suddenly off. Whereas the generous author, just 
 on the contrary, finds his hero on the dunghill, from 
 thence by gradual steps raises him to a throne, and then 
 immediately withdraws, expecting not so much as thanks 
 for his pains ; in imitation of which example, I have 
 placed Lord Peter in a noble house, given him a title to 
 wear, and money to spend. There I shall leave him for 
 some time, returning where common charity directs me, 
 to the assistance of his two brothers, at their lowest ebb. 
 However, I shall by no means forget my character of an 
 historian to follow the truth step by step, whatever 
 happens, or wherever it may lead me. 
 
 The two exiles, so nearly united in fortune and interest, 
 took a lodging together, where, at their first leisure, they 
 began to reflect on the numberless misfortunes and vexa- 
 tions of their life past, and could not tell on the sudden, 
 to what failure in their conduct they ought to impute 
 them, when, after some recollection, they called to mind 
 the copy of their father's will, which they had so happily 
 recovered. This was immediately produced, and a firm 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 467 
 
 resolution taken between them, to alter whatever was 
 already amiss, and reduce all their future measures to 
 the strictest obedience prescribed therein. The main 
 body of the will (as the reader cannot easily have forgot) 
 consisted in certain admirable rules about the wearing 
 of their coats, in the perusal whereof, the two brothers 
 at every period duly comparing the doctrine with the 
 practice, there was never seen a wider difierence between 
 two things, horrible downright transgressions of every 
 point. Upon which they both resolved, without further 
 delay, to fall immediately upon reducing the whole, 
 exactly after their father's model. 
 
 But here it is good to stop the hasty reader, ever 
 impatient to see the end of an adventure, before we 
 writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record, 
 that these two brothers began to be distiaguished at this 
 time by certain names. One of them desired to be called 
 MARTIN,! and the other took the appellation of JACK.^ 
 These two had lived in much friendship and agreement, 
 under the tyranny of their brother Peter, as it is the 
 talent of fellow-sufEerers to do ; men in misfortune, 
 being like men in the dark, to whom all colours are the 
 same. But when they came forward into the world, and 
 began to display themselves to each other, and to the 
 light, their complexions appeared extremely different, 
 which the present posture of their affairs gave them 
 sudden opportunity to discover. 
 
 But here the severe reader may justly tax me as a 
 writer of short memory, a deficiency to which a true 
 modern cannot but of necessity be a little subject. 
 Because, memory being an employment of the mind 
 upon things past, is a faculty for which the learned in 
 our illustrious age have no manner of occasion, who deal 
 entirely with invention, and strike all things out of 
 ' Martin Luther. • John Calvin. 
 
468 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 themselves, or at least by collision from each other ; 
 upon which account, we think it highly reasonable to 
 produce our great forgetfulness, as an argument un- 
 answerable for our great wit. I ought in method to have 
 iaformed the reader, about fifty pages ago, of a fancy 
 Lord Peter took, and infused into his brothers, to wear 
 on their coats whatever trimmings came up in fashion ; 
 never pulling off any, as they went out of the mode, but 
 keeping on all together, which amounted in time to a 
 medley the most antic you can possibly conceive, and 
 this to a degree, that upon the time of their falling out, 
 there was hardly a thread of the original coat to be seen, 
 but an infinite quantity of lace and ribbons, and fringe, 
 and embroidery, and points (I mean only those tagged 
 with silver,^ for the rest fell ofE). Now this material 
 circumstance having been forgot in due place, as good 
 fortune hath ordered, comes in very properly here, 
 when the two brothers were just going to reform their 
 vestures into the primitive state, prescribed by their 
 father's will. 
 
 They both unanimously entered upon this great work, 
 looking sometimes on their coats, and sometimes on the 
 will. Martin laid the first hand ; at one twitch brought 
 off a large handful of points ; and, with a second pull, 
 stripped away ten dozen yards of fringe.^ But when he 
 had gone thus far, he demurred a while : he knew very 
 well there yet remained a great deal more to be done ; 
 however, the first heat being over, his violence began to 
 cool, and he resolved to proceed more moderately in the 
 rest of the work ; having already very narrowly escaped 
 a swinging rent, in pulling off the points, which, being 
 
 • Points tagged with sUver are those doctrines that promote the 
 greatness and wealth of the church, which have been therefore woven 
 deepest in the body of Popery. 
 
 ' Alluding to the comiuencement of the Beformation in England, 
 by seizing on the abbey lands. — S. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 469 
 
 tagged with silver (as we have observed before), the 
 JTidioious workman had, with much sagacity, double 
 sewn, to preserve them from falling.^ Resolving therefore 
 to rid his coat of a huge quantity of gold-lace, he picked 
 up the stitches with much caution, and diligently gleaned 
 out all the loose threads as he went, which proved to be 
 a work of time. Then he fell about the embroidered 
 Indian figures of men, women, and children, against 
 which, as you have heard in its due place, their father's 
 testament was extremely exact and severe : these, with 
 much dexterity and application, were, after a while, 
 quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. For the rest, where 
 he observed the embroidery to be worked so close, as 
 not to be got away without damaging the cloth, or where 
 it served to hide or strengthen any flaw in the body of 
 the coat, contracted by the perpetual tampering of 
 workmen upon it ; he concluded, the wisest course was 
 to let it remain, resolving in no case whatsoever, that the 
 substance of the stufi should suffer injury, which he 
 thought the best method for serving the true intent and 
 meaning of his father's will. And this is the nearest 
 account I have been able to collect of Martin's proceed- 
 ings upon this great revolution. 
 
 But his brother Jack, whose adventures will be so 
 extraordinary, as to furnish a great part in the remainder 
 of this discourse, entered upon the matter with other 
 thoughts, and a quite different spirit. For the memory 
 of Lord Peter's injuries produced a degree of hatred and 
 spite, which had a much greater share of inciting him, 
 than any regards after his father's commands, since 
 these appeared, at best, only secondary and subservient 
 to the other. However, for this medley of humour, he 
 made a shift to find a very plausible name, honouring 
 
 ' The dissolution of the monasteries occasioned several insurreo- 
 tions, and much convulsion, during the reign of Edward VL — S. 
 
470 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 it with the title of zeal ; which is perhaps the most 
 significant word that hath been ever yet produced in any 
 language ; as, I think, I have fully proved in my ex- 
 cellent analytical discourse upon that subject ; wherein 
 I have deduced a histori-theo-physi-logical account of 
 zeal, shewing how it first proceeded from a notion into 
 a word, and from thence, in a hot summer, ripened into 
 a tangible substance. This work, containing three large 
 volumes in folio, I design very shortly to publish by the 
 modem way of subscription, not doubting but the 
 nobility and gentry of the land will give me all possible 
 encouragement, having already had such a taste of what 
 I am able to perform. 
 
 I record, therefore, that brother Jack, brimful of this 
 miraculous compound, reflecting with indignation upon 
 Peter's tyranny, and farther provoked by the despond- 
 ency of Martin, prefaced his -resolutions to this purpose. 
 ' 'WTiat ! ' said he, ' a rogue that locked up his drink, 
 turned away our wives, cheated us of our fortunes, 
 palmed his damned crusts upon us for mutton, and at 
 last kicked us out of doors ! must we be in his fashions, 
 with a pox ? A rascal, besides, that all the street cries 
 out against.' Having thus kindled and inflamed himself 
 as high as possible, and by consequence in a delicate 
 temper for beginning a reformation, he set about the 
 work immediately, and in three minutes made more 
 dispatch than Martin had done in as many hours. For, 
 courteous reader, you are given to understand, that zeal 
 is never so highly obliged, as when you set it a-tearing ; 
 and Jack, who doated on that quality in himself, allowed 
 it at this time its full swing. Thus it happened, that, 
 stripping down a parcel of gold lace a little too hastily, 
 he rent the main body of his coat from top to bottom ; 
 and whereas his talent was not of the happiest in taking 
 up a stitch, he knew no better way than to darn it again 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 471 
 
 with packthread and a skewer.^ But the matter was 
 yet infinitely worse (I record it with tears) when he pro- 
 ceeded to the embroidery : for, being clumsy by nature, 
 and of temper impatient ; withal, beholding millions of 
 stitches that required the nicest hand, and sedatest con- 
 stitution, to extricate ; in a great rage he tore off the 
 whole piece, cloth and all, and flung it into the 
 kennel,^ and furiously thus continuing his career : ' Ah, 
 good brother Martin,' said he, ' do as I do, for the love 
 of God ; * strip, tear, pull, rend, flay ofi all, that we may 
 appear as unlike the rogue Peter as it is possible. I 
 would not, for a hundred pounds, carry the least mark 
 about me, that might give occasion to the neighbours of 
 suspecting I was related to such a rascal.' But Martin, 
 who at this time happened to be extremely phlegmatic 
 and sedate, begged his brother, of aU love, not to damage 
 his coat by any means; for he never would get such 
 another: desired him to consider, that it was not their 
 business to form their actions by any reflection upon 
 Peter, but by observing the rules prescribed in their 
 father's wUl. That he should remember, Peter was still 
 their brother, whatever faidts or injuries he had com- 
 mitted ; and therefore they should by all means avoid 
 such a thought as that of taking measures for good and 
 evil, from no other rule than of opposition to him. That 
 it was true, the testament of their good father was very 
 exact in what related to the wearing of their coats ; yet 
 it was no less penal and strict in prescribing agreement 
 
 ' The refonnera in Scotland left their established clergy in an 
 almost beggarly condition, from the hasty violence with which they 
 seized on aU the possessions of the Romish church. — S. 
 
 " The Presbyterians, in discarding forms of prayers, and unneces- 
 sary church ceremonies, disused even those founded in scripture. — S. 
 
 ' The Presbyterians were particularly anxious to extend their 
 church government into England. This was the bait held out by the 
 English parliament, to prevail on the Scots to invade England in 1643, 
 and it proved successful. — S. 
 
472 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 and friendship and afieotion between them. And there- 
 fore, if straining a point were at all dispensible, it would 
 certainly be so rather to the advance of unity than 
 increase of contradiction. 
 
 Martin had still proceeded as gravely as he began, and 
 doubtless would have delivered an admirable lecture 
 of morality, which might have exceedingly contributed 
 to my reader's repose, both of body and mind (the true 
 ultimate end of ethics) ; but Jack was already gone 
 a flight-shot beyond his patience. And as in scholastic 
 disputes, nothing serves to rouse the spleen of him that 
 opposes, so much as a kind of pedantic affected calmness 
 in the respondent ; disputants being for the most part 
 like unequal scales, where the gravity of one side advances 
 the lightness of the other, and causes it to fly up, and 
 kick the beam ; so it happened here that the weight of 
 Martin's argument exalted Jack's levity, and made him 
 fly out, and spurn against his brother's moderation. 
 In short, Martin's patience put Jack in a rage ; but that 
 which most afSicted him, was, to observe his brother's 
 coat so well reduced into the state of innocence ; while 
 his own was either wholly rent to his shirt, or those 
 places which had escaped his cruel clutches, were still in 
 Peter's livery. So that he looked like a drunken beau, 
 half rifled by bullies ; or like a fresh tenant of Newgate, 
 when he has refused the payment of garnish ; or like 
 a discovered shoplifter, left to the mercy of Exchange 
 women ; * or like a bawd in her old velvet petticoat, 
 resigned into the secidar hands of the mobile. Like any 
 or like all of these, a medley of rags, and lace, and rents, 
 and fringes, unfortunate Jack did now appear : he 
 would have been extremely glad to see his coat in the 
 condition of Martin's, but infinitely gladder to find that 
 
 ' The galleries over the piazzas in the Royal Exchange were 
 formerly filled with shopa, kept chiefly by women. — H. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 473 
 
 of Martin's in the same predicament with his. However, 
 since neither of these was likely to come to pass, he 
 thought fit to lend the whole business another turn, and 
 to dress up necessity into a virtue. Therefore, after as 
 many of thefox's^ arguments as he could muster up, for 
 bringing Martin to reason, as he called it ; or, as he 
 meant it, into his own ragged, bobtailed condition ; and 
 observing he said all to little purpose ; what, alas ! was 
 left for the forlorn Jack to do, but, after a million of 
 scurrilities against his brother, to run mad with spleen, 
 and spite, and contradiction. To be short, here began 
 a mortal breach between these two. Jack went imme- 
 diately to new lodgings, and in a few days it was for 
 certain reported, that he had run out of his wits. In 
 a short time after he appeared abroad, and confirmed 
 the report by falling into the oddest whimseys that ever 
 a sick brain conceived. 
 
 And now the little boys in the streets began to salute 
 him with several names. Sometimes they would call 
 him Jack the bald ; * sometimes. Jack with a lantern ; ^ 
 sometimes, Dutch Jack ; * sometimes, French Hugh ; ^ 
 sometimes, Tom the beggar ; * and sometimes. Knocking 
 Jack of the north.' And it was under one, or some, or 
 all of these appellations (which I leave the learned reader 
 to determine), that he hath given rise to the most illus- 
 trious and epidemic sect of iEolists ; who, with honour- 
 able commemoration, do still acknowledge the renowned 
 
 • The fox in the fable, who having been caught in a trap and lost 
 his tail, used many arguments to persuade the rest to out off theirs ; 
 that the irregularity of his deformity might not expose him to 
 derision. — H. 
 
 ' That is, Calvin, from calvus, bald. 
 
 ' All those who pretend to inward light. 
 
 ' Jack of Leyden, who gave rise to the Anabaptists. 
 
 ' The Huguenots. 
 
 ' The Gueuses, by which name some Protestants in Flanders were 
 called. 
 
 ' John Knox, the reformer of Scotland. 
 
474 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 JACK for their author and founder. Of whose original, 
 as well as principles, I am now advancing to gratify the 
 world with a very particular account. 
 
 — ^Melleo oontingens cunota lepore. 
 
 SECTION VII 
 
 A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OP DIGRESSIONS 
 
 I HAVE sometimes heard of em Iliad in a nutshell ; but 
 it has been my fortune to have much oftener seen a nut- 
 shell in an Iliad. There is no doubt that human life has 
 received most wonderful advantages from both ; but to 
 which of the two the world is chiefly indebted, I shall 
 leave among the curious, as a problem worthy of their 
 utmost inquiry. For the invention of the latter, I think 
 the commonwealth of learning is chiefly obliged to the 
 great modern improvement of digressions : the late re- 
 finements in knowledge, running parallel to those of diet 
 in our nation, which among men of a judicious taste are 
 dressed up in various compounds, consisting in soups 
 and olios, fricassees, and ragouts. 
 
 'Tis true, there is a sort of morose, detracting, ill-bred 
 people, who pretend utterly to disrelish these polite 
 innovations ; and as to the similitude from diet, they 
 allow the parallel, but are so bold to pronounce the 
 example itself, a corruption and degeneracy of taste. 
 They tell us that the fashion of jumbling fifty things 
 together in a dish, was at first introduced, in compliance 
 to a depraved and debauched appetite, as well as to 
 a crazy constitution : and to see a man hunting through 
 an olio, after the head and brains of a goose, a widgeon, 
 or a woodcock, is a sign he wants a stomach and digestion 
 for more substantial victuals. Farther, they aflBrm, 
 
DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS 475 
 
 that digressions in a book are like foreign troops in 
 a state, which argue the nation to want a heart and 
 hands of its own, and often either subdue the natives, 
 or drive them into the most unfruitful comers. 
 
 But, after all that can be objected by these super- 
 cilious censors, 'tis manifest, the society of writers 
 would quickly be reduced to a very inconsiderable 
 number, if men were put upon making books, with the 
 fatal confinement of delivering nothing beyond what is 
 to the purpose. 'Tis acknowledged, that were the case 
 the same among us, as with the Greeks and Romans, 
 when learning was in its cradle, to be reared, and fed, 
 and clothed by invention, it would be an easy task to 
 fill up volumes upon particular occasions, without 
 farther expatiating from the subject than by moderate 
 excursions, helping to advance or clear the main design. 
 But with knowledge it has fared as with a numerous 
 army, encamped in a fruitful country, which, for a few 
 days, maintains itself by the product of the soil it is on ; 
 tUl, provisions being spent, they are sent to forage many 
 a mile, among friends or enemies, it matters not. Mean- 
 while, the neighbouring fields, trampled and beaten 
 down, become barren and dry, affording no sustenance 
 but clouds of dust. 
 
 The whole course of things being thus entirely changed 
 between us and the ancients, and the modems wisely 
 sensible of it, we of this age have discovered a shorter, 
 and more prudent method, to become scholars and wits, 
 without the fatigue of reading or of thinking. The most 
 accomplished way of using books at present, is two- 
 fold ; either, first, to serve them as some men do lords, 
 learn their titles exactly, and then brag of their acquaint- 
 ance. Or, secondly, which is indeed the choicer, the 
 profounder, and politer method, to get a thorough 
 insight into the index, by which the whole book is 
 
476 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 governed and turned, like fishes by the tail. For, to 
 enter the palace of learning at the great gate, requires an 
 expense of time and forms ; therefore men of much 
 haste, and little ceremony, are content to get in by the 
 back door. For the arts are all in a flying march, and 
 therefore more easily subdued by attacking them in the 
 rear. Thus physicians discover the state of the whole 
 body, by consulting only what comes from behind. 
 Thus men catch knowledge, by throwing their wit on 
 the posteriors of a book, as boys do sparrows with 
 flinging salt upon their tails. Thus human life is best 
 understood, by the wise man's rule, of regarding the end. 
 Thus are the sciences found, like Hercules's oxen, by 
 tracing them backwards. Thus are old sciences un- 
 ravelled, like old stockings, by beginning at the foot. 
 Besides all this, the army of the sciences hath been of 
 late, with a world of martial discipline, drawn into its 
 close order, so that a view or a muster may be taken of 
 it with abundance of expedition. For this great blessing 
 we are wholly indebted to systems and abstracts, in 
 which the modem fathers of learning, like prudent 
 usurers, spent their sweat for the ease of us their children. 
 Foq^P-bour is the seed of idlen^s| and it is the peculiar 
 happiness of our noble age to gather the fruit. 
 
 Now the method of growing wise, learned, and 
 sublime, having become bo regular an affair, and so 
 established in all its forms, the numbers of writers must 
 needs have increased accordingly, and to a pitch that 
 hath made it of absolute necessity for them to interfere 
 continually with each other. Besides, it is reckoned, 
 that there is not at this present, a sufficient quantity of 
 new matter left in nature, to furnish and adorn any one 
 particular subject to the extent of a volume. This I am 
 told by a very skilful computer, who hath given a full 
 demonstration of it from rules of arithmetic. 
 
DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS 477 
 
 This, perhaps, may be objected against by those who 
 maintain the infinity of matter, and therefore will not 
 allow, that any species of it can be exhausted. For 
 answer to which, let us examine the noblest branch of 
 modern wit or invention, planted and cultivated by the 
 present age, and which, of all others, hath borne the 
 most and the fairest fruit. For, though some remains 
 of it were left us by the ancients, yet have not any of 
 those, as I remember, been translated or compiled into 
 systems for modern use. Therefore we may affirm, to 
 our own honour, that it has, in some sort, been both 
 Invented and brought to a perfection by the same hands. 
 What I mean is, that highly celebrated talent among 
 the modern wits, of deducing similitudes, allusions, and 
 applications, very surprising, agreeable, and apposite, 
 from the pudenda of either sex, together with their 
 proper uses. And truly, having observed how little 
 invention bears any vogue, besides what is derived into 
 these channels, I have sometimes had a thought, that 
 the happy genius of our age and country was propheti- 
 cally held forth by that ancient typical description of the 
 Indian pigmies ; * whose stature did not exceed above 
 two foot ; sed quorum pudenda crassa, et ad talos usque 
 pertingentia. Now, I have been very curious to inspect 
 the late productions, wherein the beauties of this kind 
 have most prominently appeared. And although this 
 vein hath bled so freely, and all endeavours have been 
 used in the power of human breath to dilate, extend, and 
 keep it open ; like the Scythians,^ who had a custom, 
 and an instrument, to blow up the privities of their 
 mares, that they might yield the more milk ; yet I am 
 under an apprehension it is near growing dry, and past 
 all recovery ; and that either some new fonde of wit 
 should, if possible, be provided, or else that we must 
 ■ Ctesise fragm. apud Pbotium. ' Herodot. L. 4. 
 
478 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 e'en be content with repetition here, as well as upon all 
 other occasions. 
 
 This will stand as an uncontestable argument, that 
 our modern wits are not to reckon upon the infinity of 
 matter for a constant supply. What remains therefore, 
 but that our last recourse must be had to large indexes, 
 and little compendiums ? Quotations must be plenti- 
 fully gathered, and booked in alphabet ; to this end, 
 though authors need be little consulted, yet critics, and 
 commentators, and lexicons, carefully must. But above 
 all, those judicious collectors of bright parts, and flowers, 
 and observandas, are to be nicely dwelt on, by some 
 called the sieves and boulters of learning, though it is 
 left undetermined, whether they dealt in pearls or meal, 
 and consequently, whether we are more to value that 
 which passed through, or what stayed behind. 
 
 By these methods, in a few weeks, there starts up 
 many a writer, capable of managing the prof oundest and 
 most universal subjects. For, what though his head be 
 empty, provided his commonplace book be full, and it 
 you will bate him but the circumstances of method, and 
 style, and grammar, and invention ; allow him but the 
 common privileges of transcribing from others, and 
 digressing from himself, as often as he shall see occasion ; 
 he will desire no more ingredients towards fitting up 
 a treatise, that shall make a very comely figure on a book- 
 seller's shelf ; there to be preserved neat and clean for 
 a long eternity, adorned with the heraldry of its title 
 fairly inscribed on a label ; never to be thumbed or 
 greased by students, nor bound to everlasting chains of 
 darkness in a library : but, when the fulness of time is 
 come, shall happily undergo the trial of purgatory, in 
 order to ascend the sky. 
 
 Without these allowances, how is it possible we 
 modem wits should ever have an opportunity to intro- 
 
DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS 479 
 
 duce our collections, listed under so many thousand 
 heads of a difierent nature ; for want of which, the 
 learned world would be deprived of infinite delight, as 
 well as instruction, and we ourselves buried beyond 
 redress in an inglorious and undistinguished oblivion ? 
 
 From such elements as these, I am aUve to behold the 
 day, wherein the corporation of authors can outvie aU 
 Its brethren in the field. A happiness derived to us, with 
 a great many others, from our Scythian ancestors, among 
 whom the number of pens was so infinite, that the 
 Grecian ^ eloquence had no other way of expressing it, 
 than by saying, that in the regions, far to the north, it 
 was hardly possible for a man to travel, the very air was 
 BO replete with feathers. 
 
 The necessity of this digression will easily excuse the 
 length ; and I have chosen for it as proper a place as 
 I could readUy find. If the judicious reader can assign 
 a fitter, I do here empower him to remove it into any 
 other corner he pleases. And so I return, with great 
 alacrity, to pursue a more important concern. 
 
 SECTION VIII 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 The learned j^olists ^ maintain the original cause of 
 all things to be wind, from which principle this whole 
 universe was at first produced, and into which it must at 
 last be resolved ; that the same breath, which had 
 kindled, and blew up the flame of nature, should one day 
 blow it out : — 
 
 Quod prooul a nobis fleotat Fortuna gubernans. 
 
 This is what the adepti understand by their anima 
 mundi ; that is to say, the spirit, or breath, or wind of 
 
 ' Herodot. L. 4. 'All pretenders to inspiration whatsoever. 
 
480 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 the world ; for examine the whole system by the 
 particulars of nature, and you will find it not to be 
 disputed. Tor whether you please to call the forma 
 informans of man, by the name of spiritus, animus, 
 afflatus, or anima ; what are all these but several appella- 
 tions for wind, which is the ruling element in every 
 compound, and into which they all resolve upon their 
 corruption ? Farther, what is life itself, but, as it is 
 commonly called, the breath of our nostrils ? Whence it 
 is very justly observed by naturalists, that wind still 
 continues of great emolument in certain mysteries not 
 to be named, giving occasion for those happy epithets 
 of turgidus and infiatus, applied either to the emittent or 
 recipient organs. 
 
 By what I have gathered out of ancient records, I find 
 the compass of their doctrine took in two-and-thLrty 
 points, wherein it would be tedious to be very particular. 
 However, a few of their most important precepts, 
 deducible from it, are by no means to be omitted ; among 
 which the following maxim was of much weight : That 
 since wind had the master share, as well as operation, in 
 every compoimd, by consequence, those beings must be 
 of chief excellence, wherein that primordium appears 
 most prominently to abound, and therefore man is in 
 highest perfection of all created things, as having, by the 
 great bounty of philosophers, been endued with three 
 distinct animas or winds, to which the sage .ffioUsts, 
 with much liberality, have added a fourth, of equal 
 necessity as well as ornament with the other three, by 
 this quartum principium, taking in the four corners of 
 the world. Which gave occasion to that renowned 
 cabalist,Bumbastus,^ of placing the body of a man indue 
 position to the four cardinal points. 
 
 ' This is one of the names of Paracelsus ; he was called Christo- 
 phorus, Theophrastus, Paracelsus, Bumbastus. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 481 
 
 In consequence of this, their next principle was, that 
 man brings with him into the worid, a peculiar portion 
 or grain of wind, which may be called a quinta essentia, 
 extracted from the other four. This quintessence is of 
 a catholic use upon all emergencies of life, is improveable 
 into all arts and sciences, and may be wonderfully 
 refined, as well as enlarged, by certain methods in 
 education. This, when blown up to its perfection, ought 
 not to be covetously hoarded up, stifled, or hid under 
 a bushel, but freely communicated to mankind. Upon 
 these reasons, and others of equal weight, the wise 
 iEolists affirm the gift of BELCHING to be the noblest 
 act of a rational creature. To cultivate which art, and 
 render it more serviceable to mankind, they made use 
 of several methods. At certain seasons of the year, you 
 might behold the priests amongst them, in vast numbers, 
 with their mouths ^ gaping wide against a storm. At 
 other times were to be seen several hundreds linked 
 together in a circular chain, with every man a pair of 
 bellows applied to his neighbour's breech, by which 
 they blew up each other to the shape and size of a tun ; 
 and for that reason, with great propriety of speech, did 
 usually call their bodies, their vessels. When, by these 
 and the like performances, they were grown sufficiently 
 replete, they would immediately depart, and disembogue, 
 for the public good, a plentiful share of their acquire- 
 ments, into their disciples' chaps. For we must here 
 observe, that all learning was esteemed among them to 
 be compounded from the same principle. Because, first, 
 it is generally affirmed, or confessed, that learning 
 pufieth men up ; and, secondly, they proved it by the 
 following syllogism : Words are but wind ; and learning 
 is nothing but words ; ergo, learning is nothing but 
 
 ' This is meant of those seditions preachers, who blow up the seeds 
 of rehellion, &o, 
 
 SWIFT B 
 
482 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 wind. For this reason, the philosophers among them 
 did, in their schools, deliver to their pupils, all their 
 doctrines and opinions, by eructation, wherein they had 
 acquired a wonderful eloquence, and of incredible variety. 
 But the great characteristic, by which their chief sages 
 were best distinguished, was a certain position of 
 countenance, which gave undoubted intelligence, to 
 what degree or proportion the spirit agitated the inward 
 mass. For, after certain gripings, the wind and vapours 
 issuing forth, having first, by their turbulence and con- 
 vulsions within, caused an earthquake in man's little 
 world, distorted the mouth, bloated the cheeks, and 
 gave the eyes a terrible kind of relievo. At which junc- 
 tures all their belches were received for sacred, the 
 sourer the better, and swallowed with infinite consolation 
 by their meagre devotees. And, to render these yet 
 more complete, because the breath of man's Ufe is in 
 his nostrils, therefore the choicest, most edifying, and 
 most enlivening belches, were very wisely conveyed 
 through that vehicle, to give them a tincture as they 
 passed. 
 
 Their gods were the fourwinds, whom they worshipped, 
 as the spirits that pervade and enliven the universe, and 
 as those from whom alone all inspiration can properly 
 be said to proceed. However, the chief of these, to 
 whom they performed the adoration of latria,^ was the 
 almighty North,^ an ancient deity, whom the inhabitants 
 of Megalopolis, in Greece, had likewise in highest 
 reverence : omnium deorum Boream maxime celebrant.^ 
 This god, though endued with ubiquity, was yet sup- 
 posed, by the prof ounder ^olists, to possess one peculiar 
 habitation, or (to speak in form) a cesium empyroeum, 
 
 ' Latria is that worship which is paid only to the supreme 
 Deity.— H. 
 
 ' The more zealous seotaiies were the presbyterians of the Scottish 
 discipline. — S. ' Pausan, L. 8. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 483 
 
 wherein he was more intimately present. This was 
 situated in a certain region, well known to the ancient 
 Greeks, by them called Skotux, or the Land of Darkness. 
 And although many controversies have arisen upon that 
 matter, yet so much is undisputed, that from a region 
 of the like denomination, the most refined delists have 
 borrowed their original, from whence, in every age, the 
 zealous among their priesthood have brought over their 
 choicest inspiration, fetching it with their own hands 
 from the fountain-head in certain bladders, and displod- 
 ing it among the sectaries in all nations, who did, and do, 
 and ever will, daUy gasp and pant after it. 
 
 Now, their mysteries and rites were performed in this 
 manner. 'Tis well known among the learned, that the 
 virtuosos of former ages had a contrivance for carrying 
 and preserving winds in casks or barrels, which was of 
 great assistance upon long sea voyages, and the loss 
 of so useful an art at present is very much to be lamented, 
 though, I know not how, with great negligence omitted 
 by PanciroUus.^ It was an invention ascribed to .Solus 
 himself, from whom this sect is denominated ; and who, 
 in honour of their founder's memory, have to this day 
 preserved great numbers of those barrels, whereof they 
 fix one in each of their temples, first beating out the top ; 
 into this barrel, upon solemn days, the priest enters, 
 where, having before duly prepared himself by the 
 methods already described, a secret funnel is also con- 
 veyed from his posteriors to the bottom of the barrel, 
 which admits new supplies of inspiration, from a northern 
 chink or cranny. Whereupon, you behold him swell 
 immediately to the shape and size of his vessel. In this 
 posture he disembogues whole tempests upon his audi- 
 tory, as the spirit from beneath gives him utterance, 
 
 ' An author who vprit De Artibus perditis, &c.. Of arts lost, and oi 
 arts invented. 
 
484 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 which, issuing tx adytis and penetralibus, is not performed 
 without much pain and gripings. And the wind, in 
 breaking forth, deals with his face ^ as it does with that 
 of the sea, first blackening, then wrinkling, and at last 
 bursting it into a foam. It is in this guise the sacred 
 ^olist delivers his oracular belches to his panting dis- 
 ciples ; of whom, some are greedily gaping after the 
 sanctified breath, others are all the while hymning out 
 the praises of the winds ; and, gently wafted to and fro 
 by their own humming, do thus represent the soft breezes 
 of their deities appeased. 
 
 It is from this custom of the priests, thatsome authors 
 maintain these delists to have been very ancient in the 
 world. Because, the delivery of their mysteries, which 
 I have just now mentioned, appears exactly the same 
 with that of other ancient oracles, whose inspirations 
 were owing to certain subterraneous efHuviimis of wind, 
 delivered with the same pain to the priest, and much 
 about the same influence on the people.^ It is true, 
 indeed, that these were frequently managed and directed 
 by female officers, whose organs were understood to be 
 better disposed for the admission of those oracular gusts, 
 as entering and passing up through a receptacle of 
 greater capacity, and causing also a pruriency by the 
 way, such as, with due management, hath been refined 
 from carnal into a spiritual ecstasy. And, to strengthen 
 this profound conjecture, it is farther insisted, that this 
 custom of female priests ^ is kept up still in certain refined 
 colleges of our modern ^olists, who are agreed to receive 
 their inspiration, derived through the receptacle afore- 
 said, like their ancestors, the Sybils. 
 
 ' This is an exact description of the changes made in the face by 
 enthusiastic preachers. 
 
 ' The oracles delivered by the Pythoness and other priestesses of 
 ApoUo.— S. 
 
 ' Quakers who suffer their women to preach and pray. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 485 
 
 And whereas the mind of Man, when he gives the 
 spur and bridle to his thoughts, doth never stop, but 
 naturally saUies out into both extremes, of high and low, 
 of good and evil ; his first flight of fancy commonly 
 transports him to ideas of what is most perfect, finished, 
 and exalted ; till, having soared out of his own reach and 
 sight, not well perceiving how near the frontiers of 
 height and depth border upon each other ; with the 
 same course and wing, he falls down plumb into the 
 lowest bottom of things, like one who travels the east 
 into the west, or like a straight line drawn by its own 
 length into a circle. Whether a tincture of malice in our 
 natures makes us fond of furnishing every bright idea 
 with its reverse ; or whether reason, reflecting upon the 
 sum of things, can, like the sun, serve only to enlighten 
 one half of the globe, leaving the other half by necessity 
 under shade and darkness ; or, whether fancy, flying up 
 to the imagination of what is highest and best, becomes 
 overshot, and spent, and weary, and suddenly falls, like 
 a dead bird of paradise, to the ground ; ^ or whether, 
 after all these metaphysical conjectures, I have not 
 entirely missed the true reason ; the proposition, how- 
 ever, which has stood me in so much circumstance, is 
 altogether true ; that, as the most uncivilized parts of 
 mankind have some way or other climbed up into the 
 conception of a God, or Supreme Power, so they have 
 seldom forgot to provide their fears with certain ghastly 
 notions, which, instead of better, have served them 
 pretty tolerably for a devil. And this proceeding seems 
 to be natural enough ; for it is with men, whose imagina- 
 tions are lifted up very high, after the same rate as with 
 those whose bodies are so ; that, as they are delighted 
 with the advantage of a nearer contemplation upwards, 
 
 ' It was an ancient belief that birds ot paradise had no feet, but 
 always continued on the wing, until their death. — S. 
 
486 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 so they are equally terrified with the dismal prospect of 
 the precipice below. Thus, in the choice of a devil, it 
 hath been the usual method of mankind, to single out 
 some being, either in act or in vision, which was in moat 
 antipathy to the god they had framed. Thus also the 
 sect of ^oUsts possessed themselves with a dread, and 
 horror, and hatred of two malignant natures, betwixt 
 whom, and the deities they adored, perpetual enmity 
 was established. The first of these was the chameleon,* 
 sworn foe to inspiration, who in scorn devoured large 
 influences of their god, without refunding the smallest 
 blast by eructation. The other was a huge terrible 
 monster, called Moulinavent, who, with four strong arms, 
 waged eternal battle with all their divinities, dexterously 
 turning to avoid their blows, and repay them with 
 interest. 
 
 Thus furnished, and set out with gods, as well as 
 devils, was the renowned sect of delists, which makes 
 at this day so illustrious a figure In the world, and 
 whereof that polite nation of Laplanders are, beyond all 
 doubt, a most authentic branch ; of whom I therefore 
 cannot, without injustice, here omit to make honourable 
 mention, since they appear to be so closely allied in point 
 of interest, as well as inclinations, with their brother 
 .iEolists among us, as not only to buy their winds by 
 wholesale from the same merchants, but also to retail 
 them after the same rate and method, and to customers 
 much alike. 
 
 Now, whether this system here delivered was wholly 
 compiled by Jack ; or, as some writers believe, rather 
 
 ' I do not well understand what the Author aims at here, any more 
 than by the terrible Monster, mentioned in the following Knes, called 
 Moulinavent, which is the French word for a windmill. — 1710. 
 
 Ibid. The author seems to mean latitudinarians, persons too in- 
 different to rehgion, either to object to, or to receive with interest, 
 ony modification of its doctrines. — S. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 487 
 
 copied from the original at Delphos, with certain addi- 
 tions and emendations, suited to the times and circum- 
 stances, I shall not absolutely determine. This I may 
 afiSrm, that Jack gave it at least a new turn, and formed 
 it into the same dress and model as it lies deduced by me. 
 I have long sought after this opportunity of doing 
 justice to a society of men for whom I have a peculiar 
 honour ; and whose opinions, as well as practices, have 
 been extremely misrepresented and traduced by the 
 malice or ignorance of their adversaries. For I think it 
 one of the greatest and best of human actions, to remove 
 prejudices, and place things in their truest and fairest 
 light ; which I therefore boldly undertake, without any 
 regards of my own, beside the conscience, the honour^ 
 and the thanks. 
 
 SECTION IX 
 
 A DIGRESSION CONCERNING THE ORIGINAL, THE USE. 
 AND IMPROVEMENT OF MADNESS, IN A COMMON- 
 WEALTH. 
 
 NoE shall it any ways detract from the just reputation 
 of this famous sect, that its rise and institution are owing 
 to such an author as I have described Jack to be — a 
 person whose intellectuals were overturned, and his brain 
 shaken out of its natural position ; which we commonly 
 suppose to be a distemper, and call by the name of mad- 
 ness or frenzy. For, if we take a survey of the greatest 
 actions that have been performed in the world, under the 
 influence of single men, which are, the establishment of 
 new empires by conquest, the advance and progress of 
 new schemes in philosophy, and the contriving, as well 
 as the propagating, of new religions ; we shall find the 
 authors of them all to have been persons, whose natural 
 reason had admitted great revolutions, from their diet, 
 their education, the prevalency of some certain temper. 
 
488 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 together with the particular influence of air and climate. 
 Besides, there is something individual in human minds, 
 that easily kindles, at the accidental approach and 
 collision of certain circumstances, which, though of 
 paltry and mean appearance, do often flame out into the 
 greatest emergencies of life. Tor great turns are not 
 always given by strong hands, but by lucky adaption, 
 and at proper seasons ; and it is of no import whore the 
 fire was kindled, if the vapour has once got up into the 
 brain. For the upper region of man is furnished like the 
 middle region of the air ; the materials are formed from 
 causes of the widest difference, yet produce at last the 
 same substance and effect. Mists arise from the earth, 
 steams from dunghills, exhalations from the sea, and 
 smoke from fire ; yet all clouds are the same in com- 
 position as well as consequences, and the fumes issuing 
 from a jakes will furnish as comely and useful a vapour 
 as incense from an altar. Thus far, I suppose, will easily 
 be granted me ; and then it will follow, that, as the face 
 of nature never produces rain, but when it is overcast and 
 disturbed, so human understanding, seated in the brain, 
 must be troubled and overspread by vapours, ascending 
 from the lower faculties to water the invention and 
 render it fruitful. Now, although these vapours (as it 
 hath been already said) are of as various original as those 
 of the skies, yet the crop they produce differ both in 
 kind and degree, merely according to the soil. I will 
 produce two instances to prove and explain what I am 
 now advancing. 
 
 A certain great prince * raised a mighty army, filled his 
 coffers with infinite treasures, provided an invincible 
 fleet, and all this without giving the least part of his 
 design to his greatest ministers or his nearest favourites. 
 Immediately the whole world was alarmed ; the neigh- 
 ■ This waa Harry the Great of France. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 489 
 
 bouring crowns in trembling expectations towards what 
 point the storm would burst ; the small politicians every- 
 where forming profound conjectures. Some believed he 
 had laid a scheme for universal monarchy ; others, after 
 much insight, determined the matter to be a project for 
 pulling down the pope, and setting up the reformed 
 religion, which had once been his own. Some, again, of 
 a deeper sagacity, sent him into Asia to subdue the Turk, 
 and recover Palestine. In the midst of all these projects 
 and preparations, a certain state-surgeon,* gathering the 
 nature of the disease by these symptoms, attempted the 
 cure, at one blow performed the operation, broke the 
 bag, and out flew the vapour ; nor did anything want to 
 render it a complete remedy, only that the prince unfor- 
 tunately happened to die in the performance. Now, is the 
 reader exceeding curious to learn from whence this vapour 
 took its rise, which had so long set the nations at a gaze ? 
 What secret wheel, what hidden spring, could put into 
 motion so wonderful an engine ? It was afterwards dis- 
 covered that the movement of this whole machine had 
 been directed by an absent female, whose eyes had raised 
 a protuberancy, and, before emission, she was removed 
 into an enemy's country. What should an unhappy 
 prince do in such ticklish circumstances as these ? He 
 tried in vain the poet's never-failing receipt of corpora 
 quceque ; for 
 
 Idque petit corpus mens unde est sauoia amore : 
 Unde feritur, eo tendit, gestitque coire. — Ltjcb. 
 
 Having to no purpose used all peaceable endeavours, 
 
 the collected part of the semen, raised and inflamed, 
 
 became adust, converted to choler, turned head upon the 
 
 spinal duct, and ascended to the brain. £Uhe very same 
 
 principle that influences a bully to break the windows of 
 
 a whore who has jilted him, naturally stirs up a great 
 
 ■ BaviUao, who stabbed Henry the Great in his coach. 
 
490 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 prince to raise mighty armies, and dream of nothing but 
 sieges, battles, and victoriesj 
 
 Tetemma belli 
 
 Causa. 
 
 The other instance ^ is what I have read somewhere In 
 a very ancient author, of a mighty king, who, for the 
 space of above thirty years, amused himself to take and 
 lose towns, beat armies, and be beaten, drive princes out 
 of their dominions ; fright children from their bread and 
 butter ; bum, lay waste, plunder, dragoon, massacre 
 subject and stranger, friend and foe, male and female. 
 'Tis recorded, that the philosophers of each country were 
 in grave dispute upon causes natural, moral, and politi- 
 cal, to find out where they should assign an original 
 solution of this phenomenon. At last the vapour or 
 spirit, which animated the hero's brain, being in per- 
 petual circulation, seized upon that region of the human 
 body, so renowned for furnishing the zibeta occidentalis,^ 
 and, gathering there into a tumour, left the rest of the 
 world for that time in peace. Of such mighty conse- 
 quence it is where those exhalations fix, and of so little 
 from whence they proceed. The same spirits, which, in 
 their superior progress, would conquer a kingdom, 
 descending upon the anus, conclude in a fistula. 
 
 Let us next examine the great introducers of new 
 schemes in philosophy, and search tUl we can find from 
 what faculty of the soul the disposition arises in mortal 
 man, of taking it into his head to advance new systems, 
 with such an eager zeal, in things agreed on all hands 
 impossible to be known ; from what seeds this disposi- 
 
 ' This is meant of the present French king [Louis XIV.]. 
 
 ' Paracelsus, who was so famous for chemistry, tried an experi- 
 ment upon human excrement, to make a perfume of it ; which, when 
 he had brought to perfection, he called zibeta occidentalis, or western 
 civet ; the back parts of man (according to his division mentioned 
 by the author, page 180) being the west. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 491 
 
 tion springs, and to what quality of human nature these 
 grand innovators have been indebted for their number of 
 disciples. Because it is plain, that several of the chief 
 among them, both ancient and modern, were usually 
 mistaken by their adversaries, and indeed by all, except 
 their own followers, to have been persons crazed, or out 
 of their wits ; having generally proceeded, in the com- 
 mon course of their words and actions, by a method very 
 different from the vulgar dictates of unrefined reason ; 
 agreeing for the most part in their several models, with 
 their present undoubted successors in the academy of 
 modem Bedlam (whose merits and principles I shall 
 farther examine in due place). Of this kind were Epi- 
 curus, Diogenes, Apollonius, Lucretius, Paracelsus, Des- 
 cartes, and others, who, if they were now in the world, 
 tied fast, and separate from their followers, would, in 
 this our undistinguishing age, incur manifest danger of 
 phlebotomy, and whips, and chains, and dark chambers, 
 and straw. £5'or what man, in the natural state or course 
 of thinking, did ever conceive it in his power to reduce 
 the notions of all mankind exactly to the same length, 
 and breadth, and heighth of his owoll Yet this is the first 
 humble and civil design of all innovators in the empire of 
 reason. Epicurus modestly hoped, that, one time or 
 other, a certain fortuitous concourse of all men's opinions, 
 after perpetual justlings, the sharp with the smooth, the 
 light and the heavy, the round and the square, would, by 
 certain clinamina, unite in the notions of atoms and void, 
 as these did in the originals of all things. Cartesius 
 reckoned to see, before he died, the sentiments of all 
 philosophers, like so many lesser stars in his romantic 
 system, wrapped and drawn within his own vortex. 
 Now, I would gladly be informed, how it is possible to 
 account for such imaginations as these in particular men, 
 without recourse to my phenomenon of vapours, ascend- 
 
492 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 ing from the lower faculties to overshadow the brain, and 
 there distilling into conceptions, for which the narrowness 
 of our mother-tongue has not yet assigned any other 
 name besides that of madness or phrenzy. Let us there- 
 fore now conjecture how it comes to pass, that none of 
 these great prescribers do ever fail providing themselves 
 and their notions with a number of implicit disciples. 
 And, I think, the reason is easy to be assigned : for there 
 is a peculiar string in the harmony of human understand- 
 ing, which, in several individuals, is exactly of the same 
 tuning. This, if you can dexterously screw up to its 
 right key, and then strike gently upon it, whenever you 
 have the good fortune to light among those of the same 
 pitch, they will, by a secret necessary sympathy, strike 
 exactly at the same time. And in this one circumstance 
 lies all the skill or luck of the matter ; for, if you chance 
 to jar the string among those who are either above or 
 below your own height, instead of subscribing to your 
 doctrine, they will tie you fast, call you mad, and feed 
 you with bread and water. It is therefore a point of the 
 nicest conduct, to distinguish and adapt this noble talent, 
 with respect to the differences of persons and of times. 
 Cicero understood this very well, when writing to a friend 
 in England, with a caution, among other matters, to 
 beware of being cheated by our hackney-coachmen (who, 
 it seems, in those days were as arrant rascals as they are 
 now), has these remarkable words : Est quod gaudeas te 
 in ista loca venisse, ubi aliquid sapere viderere} For, to 
 speak a bold truth, it is a fatal miscarriage so ill to order 
 affairs, as to pass for a fool in one company, when in 
 another you might be treated as a philosopher. Which 
 I desire some certain gentlemen of my acquaintance to 
 lay up in their hearts, as a very seasonable innuendo. 
 This, Ladeed, was the fatal mistake of that worthy 
 > Epist. ad Fam. Trebatio. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 493 
 
 gentleman, my most ingenious friend, Mr. W-tt-n : a per- 
 son, in appearance, ordained for great designs, as well as 
 performances ; whether you will consider his notions or 
 his looks. Surely no man ever advanced into the public 
 with fitter qualifications of body and mind, for the 
 propagation of a new religion. Oh, had those happy 
 talents, misapplied to vain philosophy, been turned into 
 their proper channels of dreams and visions, where dis- 
 tortion of mind and countenance are of such sovereign 
 use, the base detracting world would not then have dared 
 to report, that something is amiss, that his brain hath 
 undergone an unlucky shake ; which even his brother 
 modernists themselves, like ungrates, do whisper so loud, 
 it reaches up to the very garret I am now writing in. 
 
 Lastly, whosoever pleases to look into the fountains 
 of enthusiasm, from whence, in all ages, have eternally 
 proceeded such fattening streams, will find the spring- 
 head to have been as troubled and muddy as the current. 
 Of such great emolument is a tincture of this vapour, 
 which the world calls madness, that without its help, 
 the world would not only be deprived of those two great 
 blessings, conquests and systems, but even all mankind 
 would unhappily be reduced to the same belief in things 
 invisible. Now, the former postulatum being held, that 
 it is of no import from what originals this vapour pro- 
 ceeds, but either in what angles it strikes and spreads 
 over the understanding, or upon what species of brain it 
 ascends ; it will be a very delicate point to cut the feather, 
 and divide the several reasons to a nice and curious 
 reader, how this numerical difference in the brain can 
 produce effects of so vast a difference from the same 
 vapour, as to be the sole point of individuation between 
 Alexander the Great, Jack of Leyden, and Monsieur Des 
 Cartes. The present argument is the most abstracted 
 that ever I engaged in ; it strains my faculties to their 
 
494 ,A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 highest stretch ; and I desire the reader to attend ■mth 
 utmost perpensity for I now proceed to unravel this 
 knotty point. 
 
 There is in mankind a certain * . . • 
 
 • •••■•"■ 
 
 Eic multa ....•• 
 
 desideraniur. ...... 
 
 And this I take to be a clear solu- 
 tion of the matter. 
 
 Having therefore so narrowly passed through this 
 intricate difficulty, the reader will, I am sure, agree with 
 me in the conclusion, that if the modems mean by 
 madness, only a disturbance or transposition of the brain, 
 by force of certain vapours issuing up from the lower 
 faculties, then has this madness been the parent of all 
 those mighty revolutions that have happened in empire, 
 in philosophy, and in religion. For the brain, in its 
 natural position and state of serenity, disposeth its 
 owner to pass his life in the common forms, without any 
 thought of subduing multitudes to his own power, his 
 reasons, or his visions ; and the more he shapes his 
 understanding by the pattern of human learning, the 
 less he is inclined to form parties after his particular 
 notions, because that instructs him in his private infirmi- 
 ties, as well as in the stubborn ignorance of the people. 
 vBut when a man's fancy gets astride of his reason, when 
 Imagination is at cuffs with the senses, and common 
 understanding, as well as common sense, is kicked out 
 of doors ; the first proselyte he makes is himseK ; and 
 when that is once compassed, the difficulty is not so 
 great in bringing over others ; a strong delusion always 
 operating from without as vigorously as from within. 
 
 ' Here is another defect in the manuscript ; but I think the author 
 did wisely, and that the matter which tlius strained his faculties was 
 not worth a solution ; and it were well if all metaphysical cobweb 
 problems were no otherwise answered. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 495 
 
 For cant and vision are to the ear and the eye, the same 
 that tickling is to the touch. Those entertainments and 
 pleasures we most value in life, are such as dupe and 
 play the wag with the senses. For, if we take an 
 examination of what is generally understood by happi- 
 ness, as it has respect either to_thejmdg[staiidin|^ 9L^^^ 
 senses, we shall find all its properties and adjuncts will 
 hefdlinder this short definition, that it is a perpetual 
 possession of being well deceived. A nd, first', with re - 
 lation to the mind or understanding^^ 'tis manifest what _ 
 mighty advantages~fiction has oyer truth ; and the 
 reason is just at our elbow, because imagination can 
 bmld nobler scenes, and produce more wonderful revolu- \ 
 tions than fortune or nature will be at expense to furnish. < 
 Nor is mankind so much to blame in his choice thus 
 determining him, if we consider that the debate merely 
 lies between things past and things conceived; and so the 
 question is only this : — whether things, that have place 
 in the imagination, may not as properly be said to exist, 
 as those that are seated in the memory, which may be 
 justly held in the affirmative, and very much to the 
 advantage of the former, since this is acknowledged to be 
 the womb of things, and the other allowed to be no more 
 than the grave. Again, if we take this definition of 
 happiness, and examine it with reference to the senses, it 
 will be acknowledged wonderfully adapt. How fading 
 and insipid do all objects accost us, that are not conveyed 
 in the vehicle of delusion ! How shrunk is everything, as 
 It appears in the glass of nature ! So that if it were not 
 for the assistance of artificial mediums, false lights, 
 refracted angles, varnish, and tinsel, there would be 
 a mighty level in the felicity and enjoyments of mortal 
 men. If this were seriously considered by the world, 
 as I have a certain reason to suspect it hardly will, men 
 would no longer reckon among their high points of 
 
496 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 wisdom, the art of exposing weak sides, and publishing 
 infirmities ; an employment, in my opinion, neither 
 better nor worse than that of unmasking, which, I think, 
 has never been allowed fair usage, either in the world, or 
 the play-house. 
 
 In the proportion that credulity is a more peaceful 
 possession of the mind than curiosity ; so far preferable 
 is that wisdom, which converses about the surface, to 
 that pretended philosophy, which enters into the depth 
 of things, and then comes gravely back with information 
 and discoveries, that in the inside they are good for 
 nothing. The two senses, to which all objects first 
 address themselves, are the sight and the touch ; these 
 never examine farther than the colour, the shape, the 
 size, and whatever other quahties dwell, or are drawn by 
 art upon the outward of bodies ; and then comes reason 
 officiously with tools for cutting, and opening, and 
 mangling, and piercing, ofEering to demonstrate, that 
 they are not of the same consistence quite through. Now 
 I take all this to be the last degree of perverting nature; 
 one of whose eternal laws it is, to put her best furniture 
 forward. And therefore, in order to save the charges of 
 all such expensive anatomy for the time to come, I do 
 here think fit to inform the reader, that in such conclu- 
 sions as these, reason is certainly in the right, and that in 
 most corporeal beings, which have fallen under my cog- 
 nizance, the outside hath been infinitely preferable to 
 the in ; whereof I have been farther convinced from 
 some late experiments. Last week I saw a woman 
 flayed, and you will hardly believe how much it altered 
 her person for the worse. Yesterday I ordered the 
 carcass of a beau to be stripped in my presence, when 
 we were all amazed to find so many unsuspected faults 
 under one suit of clothes. Then I laid open his brain, 
 his heart, and his spleen ; but I plainly perceived at 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 497 
 
 every operation, that the farther we proceeded, we found 
 the defects increase upon us in number and bulk ; froaa— 
 all which, I justly formed this conclusion to myseK; ' 
 that whatever philosopher or projector can find out an 
 art to sodder and patch up the flaws and imperfections 
 of nature, will deserve much better of mankind, and 
 teach us a more useful science, than that so much in 
 present esteem, of widening and exposing them (Hke him 
 
 who held anatomy to be the ultimate end of physic). . 
 
 And he, whose fortunes and dispositions have placed him 
 in a convenient station to enjoy the fruits of this nobla 
 art ; he that can, with Epicurus, content his ideas with 
 the films and images that fly off upon his senses from the 
 superficies of things ; such a man, truly wise, creams oflj 
 nature, leaving the sour and the dregs for phnosophyi 
 and reason to lap up. This is the sublime and refined 
 point of felicity, called, the possession of being weU! 
 deceived ; the serene peaceful state, of being a fooll 
 among knaves. — ^ 
 
 But to return to madness. It is certain, that, according 
 to the system I have above deduced, every species 
 thereof proceeds from a redundancy of vapours ; there- 
 fore, as some kinds of phrenzy give double strength to the 
 sinews, so there are of other species, which add vigour, 
 and Ufe, and spirit to the brain. Now, it usually happens, 
 that these active spirits, getting possession of the brain, \ 
 resemble those that haunt other waste and empty , 
 dwellings, which, for want of business, either vanish, and \ 
 carry away a piece of the house, or else stay at home, 
 and fling it all out of the windows. By which, are 
 mystically displayed the two principal branches of 
 madness, and which some philosophers, not considering 
 BO well as I, have mistaken to be different in their causes, 
 over-hastUy assigning the first to deficiency, and the 
 other to redundance 
 
498 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 I think it therefore manifest, from what I have here 
 advanced, that the main point of skill and address is, to 
 furnish employment for this redundancy of vapour, and 
 prudently to adjust the season of it ; by which means it 
 may certainly become of cardinal and catholic emolu- 
 ment In a commonwealth. Thus one man, choosing a 
 proper juncture, leaps into a gulf, from whence proceeds 
 a hero, and is called the saver of his country ; another 
 achieves the same enterprise, but, unluckily timing it, 
 has left the brand of madness fixed as a reproach upon 
 his memory ; upon so nice a distinction, are we taught 
 to repeat the name of Curtius with reverence and love, 
 that of Empedocles with hatred and contempt. Thus 
 also it is usually conceived, that the elder Brutus only 
 personated the fool and madman for the good of the 
 public ; but this was nothing else than a redundancy 
 of the same vapour long misapplied, called by the Latins, 
 ingenium par negotiis ; "• or (to translate it as nearly as 
 I can) a sort of phrenzy, never in its right element, till 
 you take it up in business of the state. 
 
 Upon all which, and many other reasons of equal 
 weight, though not equally curious, I do here gladly 
 embrace an opportunity I have long sought for, of 
 recommending it as a very noble undertaking to Sir 
 Edward Seymour, Sir Christopher Musgrave, Sir John 
 Bowls, John How, Esq., and other patriots concerned, 
 that they would move for leave to bring in a bill for 
 appointing commissioners to inspect into Bedlam, and 
 the parts adjacent ; who shall be empowered to send 
 for persons, papers, and records, to examine into the 
 merits and qualifications of every student and pro- 
 fessor, to observe with utmost exactness their several 
 dispositions and behaviour, by which means, duly 
 distinguishing and adapting their talents, they might 
 ' Taoit. 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 499 
 
 produce admirable instruments for the several offices 
 
 in a state ■', civil, and military, proceeding in 
 
 such methods as I shall here humbly propose. And I 
 hope the gentle reader will give some allowance to my 
 great solicitudes in this important affair, upon account of 
 the high esteem I have borne that honourable society, 
 whereof I had some time the happiness to be an unworthy 
 member. 
 
 Is any student tearing his straw in piece-meal, swearing 
 and blaspheming, biting his grate, foaming at the mouth, 
 and emptying his piss-pot in the spectators' faces ? Let 
 the right worshipful the commissioners of inspection give 
 him a regiment of dragoons, and send him into Flanders 
 among the rest. Is another eternally talking, sputtering, 
 gaping, bawling, in a sound without period or article ? 
 What wonderful talents are here mislaid 1 Let him be 
 furnished immediately with a green bag and papers, and 
 threepence in his pocket,^ and away with him to West- 
 minster Hall. You will find a third gravely taking the 
 dimensions of his kennel, a person of foresight and insight, 
 though kept quite in the dark ; for why, like Moses, 
 ecce comuta^ erat ejus fades. He walks duly in one pace, 
 entreats your penny with due gravity and ceremony, 
 talks much of hard times, and taxes, and the whore of 
 Babylon, bars up the wooden window of his cell con- 
 stantly at eight o'clock, dreams of fire, and shoplifters, 
 and court-customers, and privileged places. Now, what 
 a figure would all these acquirements amount to, if the 
 owner were sent into the city among his brethren ! 
 Behold a fourth, in much and deep conversation with 
 himself, biting his thumbs at proper junctures, his 
 
 ' Ecclesiastical. — H. 
 
 " A lawyer's coach-hire [when four together, from any of the Inns 
 of Court to Westminster — H.]. 
 
 " Comutus is either homed or shining, and by this term Moses is 
 described in the vulgar Latin of the Bible. 
 
500 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 countenance checkered with business and design, some- 
 times walking very fast, with his eyes naUed to a paper 
 that he holds in his hands ; a great saver of time, some- 
 what thick of hearing, very short of sight, but more of 
 memory ; a man ever in haste, a great hatcher and 
 breeder of business, and excellent at the famous art of 
 whispering nothing ; a huge idolater of monosyllables 
 and procrastination, so ready to give his word to every- 
 body, that he never keeps it ; one that has forgot the 
 common meaning of words, but an admirable retainer 
 of the sound ; extremely subject to the looseness, for 
 his occasions are perpetually calling him away. If you 
 approach his grate in his familiar intervals : ' Sir,' says 
 he, ' give me a penny, and I'll sing you a song ; but give 
 me the penny first.' (Hence comes the common saying, 
 and commoner practice, of parting with money for a 
 song.) What a complete system of court skill is here 
 described in every branch of it, and all utterly lost with 
 wrong application ! Accost the hole of another kennel, 
 first stopping your nose, you will behold a surly, gloomy, 
 nasty, slovenly mortal, raking in his own dung, and 
 dabbling in his urine. The best part of his diet is the 
 reversion of his own ordure, which, expiring into steams, 
 whirls perpetually about, and at last re-infunds. His 
 complexion is of a dirty yellow, with a thin scattered 
 beard, exactly agreeable to that of his diet upon its first 
 declination, like other insects., who, having their birth 
 and education in an excrement, from thence borrow their 
 colour and their smell. The student of this apartment 
 is very sparing of his words, but somewhat over-liberal 
 of his breath. He holds his hand out ready to receive 
 your penny, and immediately upon receipt withdraws 
 to his former occupations. Now, is it not amazing to 
 think, the society of Warwick-lane should have no more 
 concern for the recovery of so useful a member ; who, 
 
A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS 501 
 
 if one may judge from these appearances, would become 
 the greatest ornament to that illustrious body ? Another 
 student struts up fiercely to your teeth, puffing with his 
 lips, half squeezing out his eyes, and very graciously 
 holds j'ou out his hand to kiss. The keeper desires you 
 not to be afraid of this professor, for he will do you no 
 hurt ; to him alone is allowed the liberty of the ante- 
 chamber, and the orator of the place gives you to under- 
 stand, that this solemn person is a tailor run mad with 
 pride. This considerable student is adorned with many 
 other qualities, upon which, at present, I shall not farther 
 enlarge . . . Hark in your ear -^ . . . I am strangely mis- 
 taken, if all his address, his motions, and his airs, would 
 not then be very natural, and in their proper element. 
 
 I shall not descend so minutely, as to insist upon the 
 vast number of beaux, fiddlers, poets, and politicians, 
 that the world might recover by such a reformation ; 
 but what is more material, besides the clear gain redound- 
 ing to the commonwealth, by so large an acquisition of 
 persons to employ, whose talents and acquirements, if 
 I may be so bold as to affirm it, are now buried, or at 
 least misapplied ; it would be a mighty advantage 
 accruing to the public from this inquiry, that all these 
 would very much excel, and arrive at great perfection 
 in their several kinds ; which, I think, is manifest from 
 what I have already shown, and shall enforce by this 
 one plain instance, that even I myself, the author of 
 these momentous truths, am a person, whose imagina- 
 tions are hard-mouthed, and exceedingly disposed to run 
 away with his reason, which I have observed from long 
 experience to be a very light rider, and easily shook off ; 
 upon which account, my friends will never trust me 
 
 ' I eannot conjecture what the author means here, or how this 
 ohasm could be filled, though it is capable of more than one inter- 
 pretation. 
 
602 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 alone, -without a solemn promise to vent my speculations 
 In this, or the like manner, for the universal benefit of 
 human kind ; which perhaps the gentle, courteous, and 
 candid reader, brimful of that modem charity and 
 tenderness usually annexed to his o£Soe, will be very 
 hardly persuaded to believe. 
 
 SECTION X 
 
 A FARTHER DIGRESSION 
 
 It is an unanswerable argument of a very refined age, 
 the wonderful civilities that have passed of late years 
 between the nation of authors and that of readers. 
 There can hardly pop out a play, a pamphlet, or a poem, 
 without a preface full of acknowledgment to the world for 
 the general reception and applause they have given it,* 
 which the Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from 
 whom it received. In due deference to so laudable a 
 custom, I do here return my humble thanks to his 
 Majesty, and both Houses of Parliament ; to the Lords 
 of the King's Most Honourable Privy Council ; to the 
 reverend the Judges ; to the clergy, and gentry, and 
 yeomanry of this land ; but in a more especial manner 
 to my worthy brethren and friends at Will's Coffee- 
 house, and Gresham College, and Warwick Lane, and 
 Moorfields, and Scotland Yard, and Westminster Hall, 
 and Guildhall ; in short, to all inhabitants and retainers 
 whatsoever, either in court, or church, or camp, or city, or 
 i country, for their generous and universal acceptance of 
 
 ithis divine treatise. I accept their approbation and 
 good opinion with extreme gratitude, and, to the utmost 
 of my poor capacity, shall take hold of all opportunities 
 to return the obligation. 
 
 > This is literally true, us we may observe in the prefaces to most 
 plays, poems, &o. 
 
A FARTHER DIGRESSION 503 
 
 I am also happy, that fate has flung me into so blessed 
 an age for the mutual fehcity of booksellers and authors, 
 whom I may safely afSrm to be at this day the two only 
 satisfied parties in England. Ask an author how his last 
 piece hath succeeded : Why, truly, he thanks his stars, 
 the world has been very favourable, and he has not the 
 least reason to complain : and yet, by G — , he writ it 
 in a week, at bits and starts, when he could steal an hour 
 from his urgent affairs ; as it is a hundred to one you may 
 see farther in the preface, to which he refers you, and 
 for the rest, to the bookseller. There you go as a cus- 
 tomer, and make the same question : he blesses his God 
 the thing takes wonderfully, he is just printing a second 
 edition, and has but three left in his shop. You beat 
 down the price : ' Sir, we shaU not differ,' and, in hopes 
 of your custom another time, lets you have it as reason- 
 able as you please, ' and pray send as many of your 
 acquaintance as you will, I shall, upon your account, 
 furnish them all at the same rate.' 
 
 Now, it is not well enough considered, to what acci- 
 dents and occasions the world is indebted for the greatest 
 part of those noble writings, which hourly start up to 
 entertain it. If it were not for a rainy day, a drunken 
 vigU, a fit of the spleen, a course of physio, a sleepy 
 Sunday, an iU run at dice, a long tailor's bill, a beggar's 
 purse, a factious head, a hot sun, costive diet, want of 
 books, and a just contempt of learning — but for these 
 events, I say, and some others too long to recite (espe- 
 cially a prudent neglect of taking brimstone inwardly) 
 I doubt, the number of authors and of writings would 
 dwindle away to a degree most woful to behold. To 
 confirm this opinion, hear the words of the famous 
 Troglodyte philosopher : ' 'Tis certain,' said he, ' some 
 grains of folly are of course annexed, as part of the com- 
 position of human nature, only the choice is left uSj 
 
504 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 whether we please to wear them inlaid or embossed, and 
 we need not go very far to seek how that is usually 
 t determined, when we remember it is with human faculties 
 j as with liquors, the lightest will be ever at the top.' 
 
 There is in this famous island of Britain a certain 
 paltry scribbler, very voluminous, whose character the 
 reader cannot wholly be a stranger to. He deals in 
 a pernicious kind of writings, called Second Parts, and 
 usually passes under the name of the Author of the First. 
 I easily foresee, that as soon as I lay down my pen, this 
 nimble operator will have stole it, and treat me as inhu- 
 manly as he hath already done Dr. Blackmore, Lestrange, 
 and many others, who shall here be nameless. I there- 
 fore fly for justice and relief into the hands of that great 
 rectifier of saddles,^ and lover of mankind. Dr. B-tley, 
 begging he will take this enormous grievance into his 
 most modem consideration ; and if it should so happen, 
 that the furniture of an ass, in the shape of a second 
 part, must, for my sins, be clapped by a mistake upon 
 my back, that he will immediately please, in the presence 
 of the world, to lighten me of the burden, and take it 
 home to his own house, till the true beast thinks fit to 
 call for it. 
 
 In the meantime I do here give this public notice, 
 that my resolutions are to circumscribe, within this dis- 
 course, the whole stock of matter I have been so many 
 years providing. Since my vein is once opened, I am 
 content to exhaust it all at a running, for the pecuHai 
 advantage of my dear country, and for the universal 
 benefit of mankind. Therefore hospitably considering 
 the number of my guests, they shall have my whole enter- 
 tainment at a meal, and I scorn to set up the leavings in 
 
 ' Alluding to the trite phrase, ' place the saddle on the right 
 horse.' — H. Bentley is ridiculed by Boyle, for making use of some 
 such low and vernacular forms of expression. — S. 
 
A FARTHER DIGRESSION 505 
 
 the cupboard. What the guests cannot eat, may be given 
 to the poor, and the dogs ^ under the table may gnaw 
 the bones. This I understand for a more generous pro- 
 ceeding, than to turn the company's stomach, by inviting 
 them again to-morrow to a scurvy meal of scraps. 
 
 If the reader fairly considers the strength of what 
 I have advanced in the foregoing section, I am convinced 
 it will produce a wonderful revolution in his notions and 
 opinions ; and he will be abundantly better prepared 
 to receive and to relish the concluding part of 
 miraculous treatise. Readers may be divided into thred 
 classes — the superficial, the ignorant, and the learned I 
 and I have with much felicity fitted my pen to the geniusl 
 and advantage of each. The superficial reader will be| 
 strangely provoked to laughter ; which clears the breast 
 and the lungs, is sovereign against the spleen, and the 
 most innocent of all diuretics. The ignorant reader ', 
 (between whom and the former the distinction is ex- i 
 tremely nice) will find himself disposed to stare ; which 
 is an admirable remedy for ill eyes, serves to raise and 
 enliven the spirits, and wonderfully helps perspiration. 
 But the reader truly learned, chiefly for whose benefit 
 I wake when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, 
 will here find sufficient matter to employ his specula- 
 tions for the rest of his life. It were much to be wishedv_ 
 and I do here humbly propose for an experiment, that 
 every prince in Christendom will take seven of the; 
 deepest scholars in his dominions, and shut them up 
 close for seven years in seven chambers, with a com- 
 mand to write seven ample commentaries on this com- 
 prehensive discourse. I shall venture to affirm, that 
 whatever difference may be found in their several con- 
 jectures, they will be all, without the least distortion, 
 
 ' By dogs, the author means common injudicious critics, as he 
 explains it himself before in his Digression upon Critics (p. 445). 
 
606 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 manifestly deducible from the text. Meantime, it is my 
 earnest request, that so useful an undertaking may be 
 entered upon (if their Majesties please) with all con- 
 venient speed ; because I have a strong inclination, 
 before I leave the world, to taste a blessing, which we 
 mysterious writers can seldom reach, tiU we have got 
 into our graves : whether it is, that fame, being a fruit 
 grafted on the body, can hardly grow, and much less 
 ripen, till the stock is in the earth : or whether she be 
 a bird of prey, and is lured, among the rest, to pursue 
 after the scent of a carcass : or whether she conceives 
 her trumpet sounds best and farthest when she stands 
 on a tomb, by the advantage of a rising ground, and the 
 echo of a hollow vault. 
 
 'Tis true, indeed, the republic of dark authors, after 
 they once found out this excellent expedient of dying, 
 have been peculiarly happy in the variety, as well as 
 extent of their reputation. For, night being the uni- 
 versal mother of things, wise philosophers hold all 
 writings to be fruitful, in the proportion they are dark ; 
 and therefore, the true Uluminated ^ (that is to say, the 
 darkest of all) have met with such numberless commen- 
 tators, whose scholastic midwifery hath delivered them 
 of meanings, that the authors themselves perhaps never 
 conceived, and yet may very justly be allowed the lawful 
 parents of them, the words of such writers being like 
 seed,^ which, however scattered at random, when they 
 light upon a fruitful ground, will multiply far beyond 
 either the hopes or imagination of the sower. 
 
 And therefore, in order to promote so useful a work, 
 I will here take leave to glance a few innuendoes, that 
 may be of great assistance to those sublime spirits, who 
 
 ' A name of the Bosicrucians. 
 
 • Nothing is more frequent than for Commentators to force inter- 
 pretation, which the author never meant 
 
A FARTHER DIGRESSION 507 
 
 shall be appointed to labour in a universal comment upon 
 this wonderful discourse. And, first/ I have couched 
 a very profound mystery in the number of O's multiplied 
 by seven, and divided by nine. Also, if a devout brother 
 of the Rosy Cross will pray fervently for sixty-three 
 mornings, with a lively faith, and then transpose certain 
 letters and syllables, according to prescription, in the 
 second and fifth section, they will certainly reveal into 
 a full receipt of the opus magnum. Lastly, whoever will 
 be at the pains to calculate the whole number of each ■ 
 letter in this treatise, and sum up the difference exactly 
 between the several numbers, assigning the true natural 
 cause for every such difference, the discoveries in the 
 product will plentifully reward his labour. But then he 
 must beware of Bythus and Sig6,* and be sure not to 
 forget the qualities of Acamoth ; a cujus lacrymia hu- 
 mecta prodit substantia, ct risu lucida, a tristitia solida, 
 el h timore mabilis ; wherein Eugenius Philalethes * hath 
 committed an unpardonable mistake. 
 
 ' This is what the Cabalists among the Jews have done with the 
 Bible, and pretend to find wonderful mysteries by it. 
 
 " I was told by an eminent divine, whom I consulted on this point, 
 that these two barbarous words, with that of Acamoth and its 
 qualities, as here set down, are quoted from Irenaeus. This he dis- 
 covered by searching that ancient writer for another quotation of our 
 author, which he has placed in the title-page, and refers to the book 
 and chapter ; the curious were very inquisitive, whether those bar- 
 barous words, hasima eacabasa, ibc. are really in Irenaeus, and upon 
 inquiry 'twas found they were a sort of cant or jargon of certain 
 heretics, and therefore very properly prefixed to such a book as this of 
 our author. 
 
 ' Vid. Anima magica abscondita. To the above-mentioned treatise, 
 called Anthroposophia Theomagica, there is another annexed, called 
 Anima magica abscondita, written by the same author, Vaughan, 
 under the name of Eugenius Philalethes, but in neither of those 
 treaties is there any mention of Acamoth or its qualities, so that this 
 is nothing but amusement and a ridicule of dark, unintelligible 
 writers ; only the words, d cujus lacrymis, &c. are, as we have said, 
 transcribed from Irenaeus, though I know not from what part. I 
 believe one of the author's designs was to set curious men a-hunting 
 through indexes, and inquiring for books out of the common road. 
 
608 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 SECTION XI 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 Aftbb bo wide a compass as I have wandered, I do 
 now gladly overtake, and close in with my subject, and 
 shall henceforth hold on with it an even pace to the end 
 of my journey, except some beautiful prospect appears 
 within sight of my way, whereof though at present I 
 have neither warning nor expectation, yet upon such 
 an accident, come when it will, I shall beg my reader's 
 favour and company, allowing me to conduct him 
 through it along with myself. For in writing it is as 
 in travelling : if a man is in haste to be at home (which 
 I acknowledge to be none of my case, having never so 
 little business as when I am there), if his horse be tired 
 with long riding and ill ways, or be naturally a jade, 
 I advise him clearly to make the straightest and the 
 commonest road, be it ever so dirty. But then surely 
 we must own such a man to be a scurvy companion at 
 best ; he spatters himself and his fellow-travellers at 
 every step : all their thoughts, and wishes, and conver- 
 sation, turn entirely upon the subject of their journey's 
 end ; and at every splash, and plunge, and stumble, 
 they heartily wish one another at the devil. 
 
 On the other side, when a traveller and his horse are 
 in heart and plight, when his purse is full, and the day 
 before him, he takes the road only where it is clean or 
 convenient ; entertains his company there as agreeably 
 as he can ; but upon the first occasion, carries them 
 along with him to every delightful scene in view, whether 
 of art, of nature, or of both ; and if they chance to refuse 
 out of stupidity or weariness, let them jog on by them- 
 selves and be d — n'd ; he'll overtake them at the next 
 town, at which arriving, he rides furiously through ; the 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 509 
 
 men, women, and children run out to gaze ; a hundred * 
 noisy curs run barking after him, of which, if he honours 
 the boldest with a lash of his whip, it is rather out of 
 sport than revenge ; but should some sourer mongrel 
 dare too near an approach, he receives a salute on the 
 chaps by an accidental stroke from the courser's heels 
 (nor is any ground lost by the blow) which sends him 
 yelping and limping home. 
 
 I now proceed to sum up the singular adventures of 
 my renowned Jack, the state of whose dispositions and 
 fortunes the careful reader does, no doubt, most exactly 
 remember, as I last parted with them in the conclusion 
 of a former section. Therefore, his next care must be, 
 from two of the foregoing, to extract a scheme of notions, 
 that may best fit his understanding for a true relish of 
 what is to ensue. 
 
 Jack had not only calculated the first revolution of 
 his brain so prudently, as to give rise to that epidemic 
 sect of .delists, but succeeding also into a new and 
 strange variety of conceptions, the fruitfulness of his 
 imagination led him into certain notions, which, although 
 in appearance very unaccountable, were not without 
 their mysteries and their meanings, nor wanted followers 
 to countenance and improve them. I shall therefore be 
 extremely careful and exact in recounting such material 
 passages of this nature as I have been able to collect, 
 either from undoubted tradition, or indefatigable read- 
 ing ; and shall describe them as graphically as it is pos- 
 sible, and as far as notions of that height and latitude 
 can be brought within the compass of a pen. Nor do I 
 at all question, but they will furnish plenty of noble 
 matter for such, whose converting imaginations dispose 
 them to reduce all things into types ; who can make 
 shadows, no thanks to the sun, and then mould them 
 
 ' By these are meant what the author calls the true critics, p. 445 
 
510 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 into substances, no thanks to philosophy ; whose peculiar 
 talent lies in fixing tropes and allegories to the letter, 
 and refining what is literal into figure and mystery. 
 
 Jack had provided a fair copy of his father's will, 
 engrossed in form upon a large skin of parchment ; and, 
 resolving to act the part of a most dutiful son, he became 
 the fondest creature of it imaginable. For although, as 
 I have often told the reader, it consisted wholly in certain 
 plain, easy directions, about the management and wear- 
 ing of their coats, with legacies and penalties, in case of 
 obedience or neglect, yet he began to entertain a fancy 
 that the matter was deeper and darker, and therefore 
 must needs have a great deal more of mystery at the 
 bottom. ' Gentlemen,' said he, ' I will prove this very 
 skin of parchment to be meat, drink, and cloth, to be the 
 philosopher's stone, and the universal medicine.' In con- 
 sequence of which raptures, he resolved to make use of it 
 in the most necessary, as well as the most paltry, occa- 
 sions of life.'- He had a way of working it into any shape 
 he pleased ; so that it served him for a nightcap when 
 he went to bed, and for an umbrella in rainy weather. 
 He would lap a piece of it about a sore toe, or when he 
 had fits, bum two inches under his nose ; or if anything 
 lay heavy on his stomach, scrape ofE, and swallow as 
 much of the powder, as would lie on a silver penny — 
 they were all infallible remedies. With analogy to these 
 refinements, his common talk and conversation ran 
 wholly in the phrase of his will,* and he circumscribed 
 the utmost of his eloquence within that compass, not 
 daring to let slip a syllable without authority from thence. 
 
 ' The author here lashes those pretenders to purity, who place bo 
 much merit in using Scripture phrase on all occasions. 
 
 ' The Protestant dissenters use Scripture phrases in their serious 
 discourses and composures, more than the Church of England men ; 
 accordingly. Jack is introduced making his common talk and con- 
 versation to run wholly in the phrase of his will. — W. Wotton. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 511 
 
 Once, at a strange house, he was suddenly taken short 
 upon an urgent juncture, whereon it may not be allowed 
 too particularly to dilate ; and being not able to call to 
 mind, with that suddenness the occasion required, an 
 authentic phrase for demanding the way to the back- 
 side ; he chose rather, as the more prudent course, to 
 Incur the penalty in such cases usually annexed. Neither 
 was it possible for the united rhetoric of mankind, to 
 prevail with him to make himself clean again ; because, 
 having consulted the will upon this emergency, he met 
 with a passage ■■• near the bottom (whether foisted in by 
 the transcriber, is not known) which seemed to forbid it. 
 
 He made it a part of his religion, never to say grace 
 to his meat ; * nor could all the world persuade him, as the 
 common phrase is, to eat his victuals like a Christian.* 
 
 He bore a strange kind of appetite to snap-dragon,* 
 and to the livid snufEs of a burning candle, which, he 
 would catch and swallow with an agility wonderful to 
 conceive ; and by this procedure, maintained a per- 
 petual flame in his belly, which, issuing in a glowing 
 steam from both his eyes, as well as his nostrils and his 
 mouth, made his head appear in a dark night, like the 
 skull of an ass, wherein a roguish boy had conveyed 
 
 ' I cannot guess the author's meaning here, which I would be very 
 glad to know, because it seems to be of importance. 
 
 ' Incurring the penalty in such cases usually annexed,' wants no 
 explanation. He would not make himself clean, because, having con- 
 sulted the wiU (i. e. the New Testament), he met with a passage near 
 the bottom, i. e. in the eleventh verse of the last chapter of the 
 Revelations, ' He which is filthy, let him be filthy still,' which seemed 
 to forbid it. ' Whether foisted in by the transcriber,' is added, 
 because this paragraph is wanting in the Alexandrian MS., the oldest 
 and most authentic copy of the New Testament. — H. 
 
 ' The slovenly way of receiving the sacrament among the fanatics. 
 
 ' This is a common phrase to express eating cleanlily, and is meant 
 for an invective against that undecent manner among some people in 
 receiving the sacrament ; so in the lines before, which is to be under- 
 stood of the Dissenters refusing to kneel at the sacrament. 
 
 ' I cannot well find the author's meaning here, unless it be the hot, 
 untimely, blind zeal of enthusiasts. 
 
512 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 a farthing candle, to the terror of his Majesty's liege 
 subjects. Therefore, he made use of no other expedient 
 to light himseK home, but was wont to say, that a wise 
 man was his own lanthorn. 
 
 He would shut his eyes as he walked along the streets, 
 and if he happened to bounce his head against a post, or 
 fall into a kennel (as he seldom missed either to do one 
 or both), he would tell the gibing prentices, who looked 
 on, that he submitted with entire resignation, as to a 
 trip, or a blow of fate, with whom he found, by long 
 experience, how vain it was either to wrestle or to cuff, 
 and whoever durst undertake to do either, would be 
 sure to come o£E with a swinging fall, or a bloody nose. 
 ' It was ordained,' said he, ' some few days before the 
 creation, that my nose and this very post should have 
 a rencounter, and, therefore, nature thought fit to 
 send us both into the world in the same age, and to 
 make us countrymen and fellow-citizens. Now, had 
 my eyes been open, it is very likely the business might 
 have been a great deal worse ; for how many a con- 
 founded slip is daily got by man with all his foresight 
 about him ! Besides, the eyes of the understanding 
 see best, when those of the senses are out of the way ; 
 and therefore, blind men are observed to tread their 
 steps with much more caution, and conduct, and judge- 
 ment, than those who rely with too much confidence 
 upon the virtue of the visual nerve, which every little 
 accident shakes out of order, and a drop, or a film, can 
 wholly disconcert ; like a lanthorn among a pack of 
 roaring bullies when they scour the streets, exposing 
 its owner and itself to outward kicks and buffets, which 
 both might have escaped, if the vanity of appearing 
 would have suffered them to walk in the dark. But 
 farther, if we examine the conduct of these boasted 
 lights, it will prove yet a great deal worse than their 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 513 
 
 fortune. 'Tis true, I have broke my nose against this 
 post, because fortune either forgot, or did not think it 
 convenient, to twitch me by the elbow, and give me 
 notice to avoid it. But let not this encourage either 
 the present age or posterity to trust their noses into 
 the keeping of their eyes, which may prove the fairest 
 way of losing them for good and all. For, O ye eyes, 
 ye bund guides, miserable guardians are ye of our 
 frail noses ; ye, I say, who fasten upon the first preci- 
 pice in view, and then tow our wretched willing bodies 
 after you, to the very brink of destruction. But, alas 1 
 that brink is rotten, our feet slip, and we tumble down 
 prone into a gulf, without one hospitable shrub in the 
 way to break the fall — a fall, to which not any nose of 
 mortal make is equal, except that of the giant Laur- 
 calco,*- who was lord of the silver bridge. Most properly 
 therefore, O eyes, and with great justice, may you be 
 compared to those foolish lights, which conduct men 
 through dirt and darkness, till they fall into a deep pit 
 or a noisome bog.' 
 
 This I have produced as a scantling of Jack's great 
 eloquence, and the force of his reasoning upon such 
 abstruse matters. 
 
 He was, besides, a person of great design and im- 
 provement in affairs of devotion, having introduced a 
 new deity, who hath since met with a vast number of 
 worshippers, by some called Babel, by others Chaos ; 
 who had an ancient temple of Gothic structtire upon 
 Salisbury plain, famous for its shrine, and celebration 
 by pilgrims. 
 
 When he had some roguish trick to play,* he would 
 down with his knees, up with his eyes, and fall to 
 
 ' Vide Don Quixote. 
 
 ' The viUainies and cruelties committed by enthusiasts and fanatics 
 among us were all performed under the disguise of religion and long 
 prayers. 
 
 swiri g 
 
514 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 prayers, though in the midst of the kennel. Then It 
 was that those who understood his pranks, would be 
 sure to get far enough out of his way, and whenever 
 curiosity attracted strangers to laugh, or to listen, he 
 would of a sudden with one hand out with his gear, and 
 piss full in their eyes, and with the other, all to bespatter 
 them with mud. 
 
 In winter he went always loose and unbuttoned,^ and 
 clad as thin as possible, to let in the ambient heat ; 
 and in summer lapped himself close and thick to keep 
 It out. 
 
 In all revolutions of government,^ he would make his 
 court for the office of hangman general ; and in the 
 exercise of that dignity, wherein he was very dexterous, 
 would make use of no other vizard,' than a long 
 prayer. 
 
 He had a tongue so musculous and subtile, that he 
 could twist it up into his nose, and deliver a strange 
 kind of speech from thence. He was also the first in 
 these kingdoms, who began to improve the Spanish 
 accomplishment of braying ; and having large ears, 
 perpetually exposed and erected, he carried his art to 
 such a perfection, that it was a point of great difficulty 
 to distinguish, either by the view or the sound, between 
 the original and the copy. 
 
 He was troubled with a disease, reverse to that called 
 the stinging of the tarantula ; and would run dog- 
 mad at the noise of music,* especially a pair of bag- 
 pipes. But he would cure himself again, by taking 
 two or three turns in Westminster Hall, or Billingsgate, 
 
 ' They affect differences in habit and behaviour. 
 
 ' They are severe perseoutois, and all in a form of cant and devo- 
 tion. 
 
 ' Cromwell and his confederates went, as they called it, to seek God, 
 when they resolved to murder the king. 
 
 * This is to expose our Dissenters' aversion to instrumental music in 
 churches. — W. Wottou 
 
A TALE OP A TUB 515 
 
 or In a boarding-school, or the Royal-Exchange, or a 
 state coffee-house. 
 
 He was a person that feared no colours,*^ but mortally 
 hated all, and, upon that account, bore a cruel aversion 
 to painters ; insomuch, that, in his paroxysms, as he 
 walked the streets, he would have his pockets loaden 
 with stones to pelt at the signs. 
 
 Having, from this manner of living, frequent occa- 
 sion to wash himself, he would often leap over head 
 and ears into water,* though it were in the midst of the 
 winter, but was always observed to come out again 
 much dirtier, if possible, than he went in. 
 
 He was the first that ever found out the secret of 
 contriving a soporiferous medicine to be conveyed in 
 at the ears ; ' it was a compound of sulphur and balm 
 of Gilead, with a little pilgrim's salve. 
 
 He wore a large plaister of artificial caustics on his 
 stomach, with the fervour of which, he could set him- 
 self a-groaning, like the famous board upon applica- 
 tion of a red-hot iron. 
 
 He would stand in the turning of a street, and, calling 
 to those who passed by, would cry to one, ' Worthy sir, 
 do me the honour of a good slap in the chaps.' * To 
 another, ' Honest friend, pray favour me with a hand- 
 some kick on the arse ' ; ' Madam, shall I entreat a 
 small box on the ear from your ladyship's fair hands ? ' 
 ' Noble captain, lend a reasonable thwack, for the love 
 of God, with that cane of yours over these poor shoul- 
 ders.' And when he had, by such earnest soUcitations, 
 
 ' They quarrel at the most innocent (leoenoy and ornament, and 
 deface the statues and paintings on all the churches in England. 
 
 ' Baptism of adults by plunging. — H. 
 
 ' Fanatic preaching, composed either of hell and damnation or 
 a fulsome description of the joys of heaven ; both in such a dirty, 
 nauseous style, as to be well resembled to pilgrim's salve. 
 
 * The fanatics have always had a way of affecting to run into perse- 
 cution, and count vast merit upon every little hardship they suffer. 
 
516 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 made a shift to procure a basting sufiBcient to sweD 
 up his fancy and his sides, he would return home ex- 
 tremely comforted, and full of terrible accounts of what 
 he had undergone for the public good. ' Observe this 
 stroke,' said he, shewing his bare shoulders, ' a plaguy 
 janissary gave it me this very morning at seven a'clock, 
 as, with much ado, I was driving off the great Turk. 
 Neighbours mine, this broken head deserves a plaister ; 
 had poor Jack been tender of his noddle, you would 
 have seen the Pope and the French king, long before 
 this time of day, among your wives and your ware- 
 houses. Dear Christians, the great Mogul was come as 
 far as Whitechapel, and you may thank these poor 
 sides, that he hath not (God bless us) already swallowed 
 up man, woman, and child.' 
 
 It was highly worth observing the singular efEects of 
 that aversion,^ or antipathy, which Jack and his brother 
 Peter seemed, even to an affectation, to bear toward 
 each other. Peter had lately done some rogueries, 
 that forced him to abscond ; and he seldom ventured 
 to stir out before night, for fear of bailiffs. Their 
 lodgings were at the two most distant parts of the 
 town from each other ; and whenever their occasions 
 or humours called them abroad, they would make 
 choice of the oddest unlikely times and most uncouth 
 rounds they could invent, that they might be sure to 
 avoid one another : yet, after all this, it was their 
 perpetual fortune to meet. The reason of which is 
 easy enough to apprehend ; for, the phrenzy and the 
 
 • The papists and fanatics, though they appear the most averse to 
 each other, yet bear a near resemblance in many things, as has been 
 observed by learned men. 
 
 Ibid. The agreement of our dissenters and the papists, in that 
 which Bishop Stillingfleet called the fanaticism of the Church of Borne, 
 is ludicrously described, for several pages together, by Jack's likeness 
 to Peter, and their being often mistaken for each other, and their 
 frequent meeting when they least intended it.— W. Wotton. 
 
A TALE OP A TUB 517 
 
 spleen of both having the same foundation, we may 
 look upon them as two pairs of compasses, equally 
 extended, and the fixed foot of each remaining in the 
 same centre ; which, though moving contrary ways 
 at first, will be sure to encounter somewhere or other 
 in the circumference. Besides, it was among the great 
 misfortunes of Jack, to bear a huge personal resem- 
 blance with his brother Peter. Their humour and dis- 
 positions were not only the same, but there was a 
 close analogy in their shape and size, and their mien. 
 Insomuch as nothing was more frequent than for a 
 bailiff to seize Jack by the shoulders, and cry, ' Mr. 
 Peter, you are the king's prisoner.' Or, at other times, 
 for one of Peter's nearest friends to accost Jack with 
 open arms, ' Dear Peter, I am glad to see thee, pray 
 send me one of your best medicines for the worms.' 
 This, we may suppose, was a mortifying return of 
 those pains and proceedings Jack had laboured in so 
 long ; and finding how directly opposite all his en- 
 deavours had answered to the sole end and intention 
 which he had proposed to himself, how could it avoid 
 having terrible effects upon a head and heart so fur- 
 nished as his ? However, the poor remainders of his 
 coat bore all the punishment ; the orient sun never 
 entered upon his diurnal progress, without missing a 
 piece of it. He hired a tailor to stitch up the collar so 
 close, that it was ready to choke him, and squeezed 
 out his eyes at such a rate, as one could see nothing 
 but the white. What little was left of the main sub- 
 stance of the coat, he rubbed every day for two hours 
 against a rough-cast wall, in order to grind away the 
 remnants of lace and embroidery, but at the same 
 time went on with so much violence, that he proceeded 
 a heathen philosopher. Yet, after all he could do of 
 this kind, the success continued still to disappoint his 
 
618 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 expectation. For, as it is the nature of rags to bear a 
 kind of mock resemblance to finery, there being a sort 
 of fluttering appearance in both, which is not to be 
 distinguished at a distance, in the dark, or by short- 
 sighted eyes ; so, in those junctures, it fared with Jack 
 and his tatters, that they offered to the first view a 
 ridiculous flaunting ; which, assisting the resemblance 
 in person and air, thwarted all his projects of separa- 
 tion, and left so near a similitude between them, as fre- 
 quently deceived the very disciples and followers of both 
 
 Desunt non- 
 nulla. 
 
 The old Sclavocian proverb said well, that it is with 
 men as with asses ; whoever would keep them fast, 
 must find a very good hold at their ears. Yet I think 
 we may afSrm, that it hath been verified by repeated 
 experience, that, 
 
 Effugiet tamen hseo sceleratua vincula Proteus. 
 
 It is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our 
 ancestors, with great allowances to times and persons ; 
 for if we look into primitive records, we shall find, 
 that no revolutions have been so great, or so frequent, 
 as those of human ears. In former days, there was 
 a curious invention to catch and keep them ; which, 
 I think, we may justly reckon among the artes perditcB ; 
 and how can it be otherwise, when, in these latter 
 centuries, the very species is not only diminished to a 
 very lamentable degree, but the poor remainder is also 
 degenerated so far as to mock our skUfuUest tenure ? 
 For, if the only slitting of one ear in a stag hath been 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 519 
 
 found sufficient to propagate the defect through a 
 whole forest, why should we wonder at the greatest 
 consequences, from so many loppings and mutilations, 
 to which the ears of our fathers, and our own, have 
 been of late so much exposed ? 'Tis true, indeed, that 
 while this island of ours was under the dominion of 
 grace, many endeavours were made to improve the 
 growth of ears once more among us. The proportion of 
 largeness was not only looked upon as an ornament of 
 the outward man, but as a type of grace in the inward. 
 Besides, it is held by naturalists, that, it there be a 
 protuberancy of parts, in the superior region of the 
 body, as in the ears and nose, there must be a parity 
 also in the inferior ; and, therefore, in that truly pious 
 age, the males in every assembly, accei^ng as they 
 were gifted, appeared very forward in exposing their 
 ears to view, and the regions about them ; because 
 Hippocrates tells us,* that, when the vein behind the 
 ear happens to be out, a man becomes a eunuch : and 
 the females were nothing backwarder in beholding and 
 edifying by them ; whereof those who had already 
 used the means, looked about them with great concern, 
 in hopes of conceiving a suitable ofispring by such a 
 prospect ; others, who stood candidates for benevolence, 
 found there a plentiful choice, and were sure to fix 
 upon such as discovered the largest ears, that the breed 
 might not dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter 
 sisters, who looked upon all extraordinary dilatations 
 of that member as protrusions of zeal, or spiritual 
 excrescencies, were sure to honour every head they 
 sat upon, as if they had been marks of grace ; * but 
 especially that of the preacher, whose ears were usually 
 of the prime magnitude ; which, upon that account, 
 
 ' Lib. de aere, loeia, et aguis. 
 
 ■ As if they had been cloven tongaes. — First Edition. — S- 
 
520 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 he was very frequent and exact in exposing with all 
 advantages to the people : in his rhetorical paroxysms 
 turning sometimes to hold forth the one, and sometimes 
 to hold forth the other ; from which custom, the whole 
 operation of preaching is to this very day, among their 
 professors, styled by the phrase of holding forth. 
 
 Such was the progress of the saints for advancing the 
 size of that member ; and it is thought the success 
 would have been every way answerable, if, in process 
 of time, a cruel king * had not arose, who raised a 
 bloody persecution against all ears above a certain 
 standard ; upon which, some were glad to hide their 
 flourishing sprouts in a black border, others crept wholly 
 under a periwig ; some were slit, others cropped, and 
 a great number sliced off to the stumps. But of this 
 more hereafter in my general History of Ears, which 
 I design very speedily to bestow upon the public. 
 
 From this brief survey of the falling state of ears in 
 the last age, and the small care had to advance their 
 ancient growth in the present, it is manifest, how little 
 reason we can have to rely upon a hold so short, so 
 weak, and so slippery ; and that whoever desires to 
 catch mankind fast, must have recourse to some other 
 methods. Now, he that will examine human nature 
 with circumspection enough, may discover several 
 handles, whereof the six * senses afford one a-piece, 
 beside a great number that are screwed to the passions, 
 and some few riveted to the intellect. Among these 
 last, curiosity is one, and, of all others, affords the 
 firmest grasp ; curiosity, that spur in the side, that 
 bridle in the mouth, that ring in the nose, of a lazy and 
 Impatient and a grunting reader. By this handle it is, 
 
 > This was King Charles the Second, who at his restoration tamed 
 out all the dissenting teachers that would not conform. 
 ' Including Soaliger's. 
 
A TALE OF A TUB 621 
 
 that an author should seize upon his readers ; which as 
 soon as he has once compassed, all resistance and 
 struggling are in vain, and they become his prisoners 
 as close as he pleases, till weariness or dulness force 
 him to let go his gripe. 
 
 And therefore, I, the author of this miraculous 
 treatise, having hitherto, beyond expectation, main- 
 tained, by the aforesaid handle a firm hold upon my 
 gentle readers, it is with great reluctance, that I am 
 at length compelled to remit my grasp, leaving them, 
 in the perusal of what remains, to that natural oscitanoy 
 inherent in the tribe. I can only assure thee, courteous 
 reader, for both our comforts, that my concern is 
 altogether equal to thine, for my unhappiness in losing, 
 or mislajring among my papers, the remaining part of 
 these memoirs ; which consisted of accidents, turns, and 
 adventures, both new, agreeable, and surprising ; and 
 therefore calculated, in all due points, to the delicate 
 taste of this our noble age. But, alas ! with my utmost 
 endeavours, I have been able only to retain a few of 
 the heads. Under which, there was a full account, how 
 Peter got a protection out of the King's Bench ; and 
 of a reconcilement ^ between Jack and him, upon a 
 design they had, in a certain rainy night, to trepan 
 brother Martin into a spunging-house, and there strip 
 him to the skin. How Martin, with much ado, shewed 
 them both a fair pair of heels. How a new warrant 
 came out against Peter ; upon which, how Jack left 
 
 ' In the reign of King James the Second, the Preabyterians, by the 
 king's invitation, joined with the Papists, against the Church of Eng- 
 land, and addressed him for repeal of the penal laws and test. The 
 king, by his dispensing power, gave liberty of conscience, which both 
 Papists and Presbyterians made use of ; but, upon the Revolution, 
 the Papists being down of course, the Presbyterians freely continued 
 their assemblies, by virtue of King James's indulgence, before they 
 had a toleration by law. This I believe the author means by Jack's 
 stealing Peter's protection, and making use of it himself. 
 
522 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 him in the lurch, stole his protection, and made use of 
 it himself. How Jack's tatters came into fashion in 
 court and city ; how he got upon a great horse, ■'^ and 
 eat custard.^ But the particulars of all these, with 
 several others, which have now slid out of my memory, 
 are lost beyond all hopes of recovery. For which 
 misfortune, leaving my readers to condole with each 
 other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their 
 several constitutions ; but conjuring them by all the 
 friendship that hath passed between us, from the title- 
 page to this, not to proceed so far as to injure their 
 healths for an accident past remedy ; I now go on to 
 the ceremonial part of an accomplished writer, and 
 therefore, by a courtly modern, least of all others to be 
 omitted. 
 
 THE CONCLUSION 
 
 Going too long is a cause of abortion as effectual, 
 though not so frequent, as going too short ; and holds 
 true especially in the labours of the brain. Well fare 
 the heart of that noble Jesuit,' who first adventured to 
 confess in print, that books must be suited to their 
 several seasons, like dress, and diet, and diversions. 
 And better fare our noble nation, for refining upon this 
 among other French modes. I am living fast to see 
 the time, when a book that misses its tide, shall be 
 neglected, as the moon by day, or like mackarel a week 
 after the season. No man hath more nicely observed 
 our climate, than the bookseller who bought the copy 
 of this work. He knows to a tittle what subjects will 
 
 ' Sir Humphry Edwyn, a Presbyterian, was some years ago Lord 
 Mayor of London, and had the insolence to go in his formalities to 
 a oonvenviole, with the ensigns of his oifioe. 
 
 ' Custard is a famous dish at a Lord Mayor's feast 
 
 ' Pere d'Orloans. 
 
THE CONCLUSION 523 
 
 best go off in a dry year, and which it is proper to expose 
 foremost, when the weather-glass is fallen to much rain. 
 When he had seen this treatise, and consulted his 
 almanack upon it, he gave me to understand, that he 
 had manifestly considered the two principal things, 
 which were, the bulk and the subject ; and found it 
 would never take but after a long vacation, and then 
 only in case it should happen to be a hard year for 
 turnips. Upon which I desired to know, considering 
 my urgent necessities, what he thought might be 
 acceptable this month. He looked westward, and said, 
 ' I doubt we shall have a fit of bad weather. However, 
 if you could prepare some pretty little banter (but not 
 
 in verse), or a small treatise upon the , it would run 
 
 like wildfire. But, if it hold up, I have already hired an 
 author to write something against Dr. B — ^tl-y, which, 
 I am sure, will turn to account.' * 
 
 At length we agreed upon this expedient ; that when 
 a customer comes for one of these, and desires in 
 confidence to know the author, he will tell him very 
 privately, as a friend, naming whichever of the wits 
 shall happen to be that week in the vogue ; and if 
 Durfey's last play should be in course, I had as lieve 
 he may be the person as Congreve. This I mention, 
 because I am wonderfully well acquainted with the 
 present relish of courteous readers ; and have often 
 observed, with singular pleasure, that a fly, driven from 
 a honey-pot, will immediately, with very good appetite, 
 alight, and finish his meal on an excrement. 
 
 I have one word to say upon the subject of profound 
 
 writers, who are grown very numerous of late ; and I 
 
 know very well, the judicious world is resolved to list 
 
 ' When Dr. Prideaux brought the copy of his Connexion of the Old 
 and Neu) Testament to the bookseller, he told him it was a dry subject, 
 and the printing could not safely be ventured unless he could enliven 
 it with a little humour. — H 
 
524 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 me In that number. I conceive therefore, as to the 
 business of being profound, that it is with writers as with 
 wells — a person with good eyes may see to the bottom 
 of the deepest, provided any water be there, and, that, 
 often, when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, 
 besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and 
 half under-ground, it shall pass, however, for wondrous 
 deep, upon no wiser a reason, than because it is wondrous 
 dark. 
 
 I am now trying an experiment very frequent among 
 modern authors ; which is to write upon nothing ; 
 when the subject is utterly exhausted, to let the pen 
 still move on ; by some called the ghost of wit, delighting 
 to walk after the death of its body. And to say the 
 truth, there seems to be no part of knowledge in fewer 
 hands, than that of discerning when to have done. 
 By the time that an author has writ out a book, he and 
 his readers are become old acquaintants, and grow very 
 loth to part ; so that I have sometimes known it to be 
 in writing, as in visiting, where the ceremony of taking 
 leave has employed more time than the whole conversa- 
 tion before. The conclusion of a treatise resembles the 
 conclusion of human life, which hath sometimes been 
 compared to the end of a feast ; where few are satisfied 
 to depart, ut planus vitce conviva. For men will sit 
 down after the fullest meal, though it be only to doze, 
 or to sleep out the rest of the day. But, in this latter, 
 I differ extremely from other writers, and shall be too 
 proud, if, by all my labours, I can have anyways con- 
 tributed to the repose of mankind, in times * so turbulent 
 and unquiet as these. Neither do I think such an 
 employment so very alien from the office of a wit as 
 some would suppose. For, among a very polite nation 
 
 ' This was writ before the peace of Ryswick [which was signed in 
 September, 1697.— H.]. 
 
THE CONCLUSION 525 
 
 In Greece/ there were the same temples built and 
 consecrated to Sleep and the Muses, between which 
 two deites they believed the strictest friendship was 
 established. 
 
 I have one concluding favour to request of my reader ; 
 that he will not expect to be equally divertetf^and 
 informed by every line or every page of this discourse ; 
 but give some allowance to the author's spleen, and 
 short fits or intervals of dulness, as well as his own ; 
 and lay it seriously to his conscience, whether, if he were 
 walking the streets in dirty weather or a rainy day, he 
 would allow it fair dealing in folks at their ease from 
 a window to critic his gait, and ridicule his dress at 
 such a juncture. 
 
 In my disposure of employments of the brain, I have 
 thought fit to make invention the master, and to give 
 method and reason the office of its lackeys. The cause 
 of this distribution was, from observing it my peculiar 
 case, to be often under a temptation of being witty upon 
 occasion, where I could be neither wise, nor sound, nor 
 anything to the matter in hand. And I am too much 
 a servant of the modern way, to neglect any such 
 opportunities, whatever pains or improprieties I may 
 be at, to introduce them. For I have observed, that, 
 from a laborious collection of seven hundred thirty 
 eight flowers and shining hints of the best modern 
 authors, digested with great reading into my book of 
 commonplaces, I have not been able, after five years, 
 to draw, hook, or force, into common conversation, any 
 more than a dozen. Of which dozen, the one moiety 
 failed of success, by being dropped among unsuitable 
 company ; and the other cost me so many strains, and 
 traps, and ambages to introduce, that I at length 
 resolved to give it over. Now, this disappointment 
 ■ Trezenii. Pausan. lib. 2. 
 
526 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 (to discover a secret), I miist own, gave me the first hint 
 of setting up for an author ; and I have since found, 
 among some particular friends, that it is become a very 
 general complaint, and has produced the same effects 
 upon many others. For I have remarked many a 
 towardly word to be wholly neglected or despised in 
 discourse, which has passed very smoothly, with some 
 consideration and esteem, after its preferment and 
 sanction in print. But now, since, by the liberty and 
 encouragement of the press, I am grown absolute 
 master of the occasions and opportunities to expose the 
 talents I have acquired, I already discover, that the 
 issues of my observanda begin to grow too large for the 
 receipts. Therefore, I shall here pause a while, till 
 I find, by feeling the world's pulse and my own, that 
 it will be of absolute necessity for us both, to resume 
 my pen. 
 
THE HISTORY OF MARTIN 
 
 Giving an Account of his Departure from Jack, and 
 their setting up for themselves, on which account they were 
 obliged to travel and meet many Disasters, finding no 
 shelter near Peter's Habitation : Martin succeeds in the 
 North : Peter thunders against Martin for the Loss of 
 the large Revenue he used to receive from thence ; Harry 
 Huff sent Martin a Challenge to Fight, which he received ; 
 Peter rewards Harry for the pretended Victory, which 
 encouraged Harry to huff Peter also. With many other 
 extraordinary Adventures of the said Martin in several 
 Places with many considerable Persons. 
 
 With a Digression concerning the Nature, Usefulness, 
 and Necessity of Wars and Quarrels. 
 
 How Jack and Martin, being parted, set up each for 
 himself. How they travelled over hills and dales, met 
 many disasters, suffered much for the good cause, 
 and struggled with difficulties and wants, not having 
 where to lay their head ; by all which they afterwards 
 proved themselves to be right father's sons, and Peter 
 to be spurious. Finding no shelter near Peter's habi- 
 tation, Martin travelled northwards, and finding the 
 
 The hintB or fragments of allegory, here thrown out, are not in 
 nnison with the former part of the Tale, either in political principle 
 or in the conduct of the fable. The tone of many passages is 
 decidedly not only Whiggish, but of the Low Church, and the 
 author ia forced, somewhat awkwardly, to introduce two Martins 
 instead of one ; the first representing the sect of Luther, the second 
 the Church of England. The fragment does not appear in the first 
 edition, and to me has much more the appearance of a rough draft, 
 thrown aside and altered, than of any continuation of the original 
 story. — S. 
 
528 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 Thuringians^ and neighbouring people disposed to change, 
 he set up his stage first among them, where, making it his 
 business to cry down Peter's powders, plaisters, salves, 
 and drugs, which he had sold a long time at a dear rate, 
 allowing Martin none of the profit, though he had been 
 often employed in recommending and putting them off, 
 the good people, willing to save their pence, began to 
 hearken to Martin's speeches.^ How several great lords 
 took the hint, and on the same account declared for 
 Martin ; particularly one who, not having enough of 
 one wife, wanted to marry a second, and knowing Peter 
 used not to grant such licences but at a swinging price, 
 he struck up a bargain with Martin, whom he found 
 more tractable, and who assured him he had the same 
 power to allow such things. How most of the other 
 northern lords, for their own private ends, withdrew 
 themselves and their dependents from Peter's authority, 
 and closed in with Martin. How Peter, enraged at the 
 loss of such large territories, and consequently of so 
 much revenue, thundered against Martin, and sent out 
 the strongest and most terrible of his bulls to devour 
 him ; but this having no effect, and Martin defending 
 himself boldly and dexterously, Peter at last put forth 
 proclamations, declaring Martin, and all his adherents, 
 rebels and traitors, ordaining and requiring all his 
 loving subjects to take up arms, and to kill, burn, 
 and destroy all and every one of them ; promising 
 large rewards, &c., upon which ensued bloody wars and 
 desolations. 
 
 How Harry Huff,^ Lord of Albion, one of the greatest 
 bullies of those days, sent a cartel to Martin to fight him 
 
 ' The States in the North of Germany, who adopted the Lutheran 
 religion. — S. 
 
 ■ The well-known commencement of Lather's revolt against the 
 Church of Rome is here insinuated. — S. 
 
 • Henry VIII's controversy with Luther in behalf of the Pope. — S 
 
THE HISTORY OF MARTIN 529 
 
 on a stage, at cudgels, quarter-staff, back-sword, &c. 
 Hence the origin of that genteel custom of prize-fighting 
 so well known and practised to this day among those 
 polite islanders, though unknown everywhere else. 
 How Martin, being a bold blustering fellow, accepted 
 the challenge. How they met and fought, to the great 
 diversion of the spectators ; and, after giving one 
 another broken heads and many bloody wounds and 
 bruises, how they both drew off victorious ; in which 
 their example has been frequently imitated by great 
 clerks and others since that time. How Martin's friends 
 applauded his victory, and how Lord Harry's friends 
 complimented him on the same score, and particularly 
 Lord Peter, who sent him a fine feather for his cap^ to 
 be worn by him and his successors, as a perpetual mark 
 of his bold defence of Lord Peter's cause. How Harry, 
 flushed with his pretended victory over Martin, began 
 to huff Peter also, and at last downright quarrelled 
 with him about a wench. How some of Lord Harry's 
 tenants, ever fond of changes, began to talk kindly of 
 Martin, for which he mauled 'em soundly, as he did 
 also those that adhered to Peter. How he turned some 
 out of house and hold, others he hanged or burnt, &c. 
 
 How Harry Huff, after a deal of blustering, wench- 
 ing, and bullying, died, and was succeeded by a good- 
 natured boy, who, giving way to the general bent of 
 his tenants, allowed Martin's notions to spread every- 
 where, and take deep root in Albion. How, after hia 
 death, the farm fell into the hands of a lady, who was 
 violently in love with Lord Peter. How she purged 
 the whole country with fire and sword, resolved not to 
 leave the name or remembrance of Martin. How Peter 
 triumphed, and set up shops again for selling his own 
 powders, plaisters, and salves, which were now called 
 • The title of ' Defender of the Faith.'— S. 
 
530 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 the only true ones, Martin's being all declared counter- 
 feit. How great numbers of Martin's friends left the 
 country, and, travelling up and down in foreign parts, 
 grew acquainted with many of Jack's followers, and 
 took a liking to many of their notions and ways ; which 
 they afterwards brought back into Albion, now under 
 another landlady, more moderate and more cunning 
 than the former. How she endeavoured to keep friend- 
 ship both with Peter and Martin, and trimmed for some 
 time between the two, not without countenancing and 
 assisting at the same time many of Jack's followers ; 
 but, finding no possibility of reconciling all the three 
 brothers, because each would be master, and allow no 
 other salves, powders, or plaisters to be used but his 
 own, she discarded all three, and set up a shop for those 
 of her own farm, well furnished with powders, plaisters, 
 salves, and all other drugs necessary, all right and true, 
 composed according to receipts made by physicians and 
 apothecaries of her own creating, which they extracted 
 out of Peter's, and Martin's, and Jack's receipt-books, 
 and of this medley or hodgepodge, made up a dispensa- 
 tory of their own, strictly forbidding any other to be 
 used, and particularly Peter's ; from which the greatest 
 part of this new dispensatory was stolen. How the 
 lady, farther to confirm this change, wisely imitating her 
 father, degraded Peter from the rank he pretended as 
 eldest brother, and set up herself in his place as head 
 of the family, and ever after wore her father's old cap, 
 with the fine feather he had got from Peter for standing 
 his friend ; which has likewise been worn with no small 
 ostentation, to this day, by all her successors, though 
 declared enemies to Peter. How Lady Bess and her 
 physicians, being told of many defects and imperfections 
 in their new medley dispensatory, resolve on a farther 
 alteration ; and to purge it from a great deal of Peter's 
 
THE HISTORY OF MARTIN 531 
 
 trash, that still remained in it, but were prevented by 
 her death. How she was succeeded by a north-country 
 farmer, who pretended great skill in managing of farms, 
 though he could never govern his own poor little old 
 farm, nor yet this large new one after he got it. How 
 this new landlord, to shew his valour and dexterity, 
 fought against enchanters, weeds, giants, and wind-mills, 
 and claimed great honour for his victories, though he oft- 
 times b-sh-t himself when there was no danger.^ How 
 his successor, no wiser than he, occasioned great dis- 
 orders by the new methods he took to manage his farms. 
 How he attempted to establish in his northern farm the 
 same dispensatory used in the southern, but miscarried ; 
 because Jack's powders, pills, salves, and plaisters, were 
 there in great vogue. 
 
 How the author finds himself embarrassed for having 
 introduced into his history a new sect difEerent from the 
 three he had undertaken to treat of ; and how his 
 inviolable respect to the sacred number three obliges 
 him to reduce these four, as he intends to do all other 
 things, to that number ; and for that end to drop the 
 former Martin, and to substitute in his place Lady Bess's 
 institution, which is to pass under the name of Martin 
 in the sequel of this true history. This weighty point 
 being cleared, the author goes on, and describes mighty 
 quarrels and squabbles between Jack and Martin ; how 
 sometimes the one had the better, and sometimes the 
 other, to the great desolation of both farms ; tUl at last 
 both sides concur to hang up the landlord, who pretended 
 to die a martyr for Martin ; though he had been true to 
 neither side, and was suspected by many to have a great 
 afEection for Peter. 
 
 ■ The absurd publications of James, respecting Demonology, &o. — S. 
 
532 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 A DIGRESSION ON THE NATURE, USEFULNESS, AND 
 NECESSITY OF WARS AND QUARRELS 
 
 This being a matter of great consequence, the author 
 intends to treat it methodically and at large in a treatise 
 apart ; and here to give only some hints of what his 
 large treatise contains. The state of war natural to ail 
 creatures. War is an attempt to take by violence from 
 others a part of what they have and we want. Every 
 man, fully sensible of his own merit, and finding it not 
 duly regarded by others, has a natural right to take 
 from them all that he thinks due to himself ; and every 
 creature, finding its own wants more than those of 
 others, has the same right to take everything its nature 
 requires. Brutes much more modest in their preten- 
 sions this way than men, and mean men more than 
 great ones. The higher one raises his pretensions this 
 way, the more bustle he makes about them ; and the 
 more success he has, the greater hero. Thus greater 
 souls, in proportion to their superior merit, claim 
 a greater right to take everything from meaner folks. 
 This the true foundation of grandeur and heroism, and 
 of the distinction of degrees among men. War, there- 
 fore, necessary to establish subordination, and to found 
 cities, states, kingdoms, &c., as also to purge bodies politic 
 of gross humours. Wise princes find it necessary to have 
 wars abroad, to keep peace at home. War, famine, and 
 pestilence, the usual cures for corruptions in bodies 
 poUtio. A comparison of these three. The author is to 
 write a panegjTric on each of them. The greatest part 
 of mankind loves war more than peace. They are but 
 few and mean-spirited that live in peace with all men. 
 The modest and meek of all kinds always a prey to 
 those of more noble or stronger appetites. The inclina- 
 tion to war universal ; those that cannot or dare not 
 make war in person employ others to do it for them 
 
A DIGRESSION OF WARS 533 
 
 This maintains bullies, bravoes, cut-throats, lawyers, 
 soldiers, &o. Most professions would be useless, if all 
 were peaceable. Hence brutes want neither smiths nor 
 lawyers, magistrates nor joiners, soldiers nor surgeons. 
 Brutes, having but narrow appetites, are incapable of 
 carrying on or perpetuating war against their own 
 species, or of being led out in troops and multitudes to 
 destroy one another. These prerogatives proper to man 
 alone. The excellency of human nature demonstrated 
 by the vast train of appetites, passions, wants, &c., that 
 attend it. This matter to be more fully treated in the 
 author's Panegyric on Mankind. 
 
 THE HISTORY OF MARTIN 
 
 How Jack, having got rid of the old landlord, and set 
 up another to his mind, quarrelled with Martin, and 
 turned him out of doors. How he pUlaged all his shops, 
 and abolished the whole dispensatory. How the new 
 landlord laid about him, mauled Peter, worried Martin, 
 and made the whole neighbourhood tremble. How 
 Jack's friends fell out among themselves, split into 
 a thousand parties, turned all things topsyturvy, till 
 everybody grew weary of them ; and at last, the 
 blustering landlord dying, Jack was kicked out of doors, 
 a new landlord brought in, and Martin re-established. 
 How this new landlord let Martin do what he pleased, 
 and Martin agreed to everything his pious landlord 
 desired, provided Jack might be kept low. Of several 
 efEorts Jack made to raise up his head, but all in vain ; 
 till at last the landlord died, and was succeeded by one 
 who was a great friend to Peter, who, to humble Martin, 
 gave Jack some liberty. How Martin grew enraged at 
 this, called in a foreigner, and turned out the landlord ; 
 in which Jack concurred with Martin, because this 
 
534 A TALE OP A TUB 
 
 landlord was entirely devoted to Peter, into whose arms 
 he threw himself, and left his country. How the new 
 landlord secured Martin in the full possession of his 
 former rights, but would not allow him to destroy Jack, 
 who had always been his friend. How Jack got up his 
 head in the north, and put himself in possession of a 
 whole canton,^ to the great discontent of Martin, who, 
 finding also that some of Jack's friends were allowed 
 to live and get their bread in the south parts of the 
 country, grew highly discontent with the new landlord 
 he had called in to his assistance. How this landlord 
 kept Martin in order ; upon which he fell into a raging 
 fever, and swore he would hang himself, or join in with 
 Peter, unless Jack's children were all turned out to 
 starve.* Of several attempts made to cure Martin, and 
 make peace between him and Jack, that they might 
 unite against Peter ; but all made ineffectual by the 
 great address of a number of Peter's friends, that herded 
 among Martin's, and appeared the most zealous for his 
 interest. How Martin, getting abroad in this mad fit, 
 looked so like Peter in his air and dress, and talked so 
 like him, that many of the neighbours could not dis- 
 tinguish the one from the other ; especially when Martin 
 went up and down strutting in Peter's armour, which 
 he had borrowed to fight Jack. What remedies were 
 used to cure Martin's distemper, &c. 
 
 Here the author being seized with a fit of dulness (to 
 which he is very subject), after having read a poetical 
 
 epistle addressed to , it entirely composed his senses, 
 
 so that he has not writ a line since. 
 
 N.B. — Some things that follow after this are not in the 
 MS. but seem to have been written since, to fill up the 
 place of what was not thought convenient then to print. 
 
 " Presbytery established in Scotland. — S. 
 
 ■ Clamoui that the church was in danger from the dissenters. — S. 
 
PROJECT FOR THE BENEFIT OF MANKIND 535 
 
 A PROJECT 
 
 FOR THE UNIVERSAL BENEFIT OF MANKIND 
 
 The author, having laboured so long, and done so 
 much, to serve and instruct the public, without any 
 advantage to himself, has at last thought of a project, 
 which will tend to the great benefit of all mankind, and 
 produce a handsome revenue to the author. He intends 
 to print by subscription, in 96 large volumes in folio, 
 an exact description of Terra Australia incognita ; * 
 collected with great care and pains from 999 learned and 
 pious authors, of undoubted veracity. The whole work, 
 illustrated with maps and cuts agreeable to the subject, 
 and done by the best masters, will cost but a guinea each 
 volume to subscribers ; one guinea to be paid in advance, 
 and afterwards a guinea on receiving each volume, 
 except the last. This work will be of great use for aU 
 men, and necessary for all families ; because it contains 
 exact accounts of all the provinces, colonies, and man- 
 sions of that spacious country, where, by a general doom, 
 aU transgressors of the law are to be transported ; and 
 every one having this work, may choose out the fittest 
 and best place for himself, there being enough for aU, so 
 as every one shall be fully satisfied. 
 
 The author supposes that one copy of this work will be 
 bought at the public charge, or out of the parish rates, 
 for every parish-church in the three kingdoms, and in all 
 the dominions thereunto belonging ; and that every 
 family that can command ten pounds per annum, even 
 though retrenched from less necessary expenses, will 
 also subscribe for one. He does not think of giving out 
 above nine volumes yearly ; and considering the number 
 requisite, he intends to print at least 100,000 for the first 
 
 ■ By thia title it will be remembered the author points out the 
 future state [Tale of a Tub. Section 4]. — S. 
 
538 A TALE OF A TUB 
 
 edition. He 's to print proposals against next term, with 
 a epeoimen, and a curious map of the capital city, with 
 its twelve gates, from a known author, who took an exact 
 , survey of it in a dream. ^ Considering the great care and 
 pains of the author, and the usefulness of the work, he 
 hopes every one will be ready, for their own good as well 
 as his, to contribute cheerfully to it, and not grudge him 
 the profit he may have by it, especially if it comes to 
 a third or fourth edition, as he expects it will very soon. 
 
 He doubts not but it will be translated into foreign 
 languages, by most nations of Europe, as well as of Asia 
 and Africa, being of as great use to all those nations as to 
 his own ; for this reason, he designs to procure patents 
 and privileges for securing the whole benefit to himself, 
 from all those different princes and states, and hopes to 
 see many millions of this great work printed, in those 
 different countries and languages, before his death. 
 
 After this business is pretty well established, he has 
 promised to put a friend on another project, almost as 
 good as this, by establishing insurance offices everywhere, 
 for securing people from shipwreck, and several other 
 accidents in their voyage to this country ; and these 
 offices shall furnish, at a certain rate, pilots well versed 
 in the route, and that know all the rocks, shelves, quick- 
 sands, &c., that such pilgrims and travellers may be 
 exposed to. Of these he knows a great number ready 
 instructed in most countries ; but the whole scheme of 
 this matter he's to draw up at large, and communicate 
 to his friend. 
 
 ' St. John's vision in Eevelation, — S. 
 
A 
 
 Full and True Account 
 
 OF THE 
 
 BATTEL 
 
 Fought laft F^IVAT, 
 Between the 
 
 Anttent and the Modern 
 
 BOOKS 
 
 IN 
 
 St. JAMES'S 
 
 LIBRARY. 
 
 LONDON: 
 Printed in the Year, MDCCX. 
 
THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER 
 
 The following Discourse, as it is unquestionably of the 
 same author, so it seems to have been written about the 
 same time with the former ; I mean the year 1697, when 
 the famous dispute was on foot about ancient and modem 
 learning. The controversy took its rise from an essay 
 of Sir WUliam Temple's upon that subject, which was 
 answered by W. Wotton, B.D., with an Appendix by 
 Dr. Bentley, endeavouring to destroy the credit of ^sop 
 and Phalaris for authors, whom Sir WUliam Temple had, 
 in the essay before-mentioned, highly commended. In 
 that appendix, the doctor falls hard upon a new edition 
 of Phalaris, put out by the Honourable Charles Boyle 
 (now Earl of Orrery), to which Mr. Boyle replied at large, 
 with great learning and wit ; and the doctor volumin- 
 ously rejoined. In this dispute, the town highly resented 
 to see a person of Sir William Temple's character and 
 methods roughly used by the two reverend gentlemen 
 aforesaid, and without any manner of provocation. At 
 length, there appearing no end of the quarrel, our author 
 tells us, that the BOOKS in St. James's Library, looking 
 upon themselves as parties principally concerned, took 
 up the controversy, and came to a decisive battle ; but 
 the manuscript, by the injury of fortune or weather, 
 being in several places imperfect, we cannot learn to 
 which side the victory fell. 
 
 I must warn the reader to beware of applying to 
 persons wha t isj iere meant only of books in the most 
 literal sense. \Sf3, when Virgil is mentioned, we are not to 
 understand the person of a famous poet called by that 
 
540 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 name, but only certain sheets of paper, bound up in 
 leather, containing: in print the works of the said poet ; 
 and so of the rest, j 
 
 THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR 
 
 ^atire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally 
 discover everybody's face but their own ; which is the chief 
 reason for that kind reception it meets in the world, and 
 that so very few are offended wit hyt^ But if it should 
 happen otherwise, the danger is not great ; and I have 
 learned, from long experience, never to apprehend mischief 
 from those understandings I have been able to provoke ; for 
 anger and fury, though they add strength to the sinews of the 
 body, yet are found to relax those of the mind, and to render 
 all its efforts feeble and impotent. 
 
 There is a brain that will endure but one scumming ; let 
 the owner gather it with discretion, and manage his little 
 stock with husbandry ; but, of all things, let him beware of 
 bringing it under the lash of his betters, because that will 
 make it all bubble up into impertinence, and he will find no 
 new supply. Wit, without knowledge, being a sort of cream, 
 which gathers in a night to the top, and, by a skilful hand, 
 may be soon whipped into froth ; but, once scummed away, 
 what appears underneath will be Jit for nothing but to be 
 thrown to the hogs. 
 
A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE 
 BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY, ETC. 
 
 Whoever examines with due circumspection into the 
 Annual Records of Time * will find it remarked, that war 
 is the child of pride, and pride the daughter of riches. 
 The former of which assertions may be soon granted, but 
 one cannot so easily subscribe to the latter ; for pride is 
 nearly related to beggary and want, either by father or 
 mother, and sometimes by both : and, to speak naturally, 
 it very seldom happens among men to fall out when all 
 have enough ; invasions usually travelling from north to 
 south, that is to say, from poverty upon plenty. The 
 most ancient and natural grounds of quarrels are lust and 
 avarice ; which, though we may allow to be brethren, or 
 collateral branches of pride, are certainly the issues of 
 want. For, to speak in the phrase of writers upon the 
 politics, we may observe in the Republic of Dogs (which, 
 in its original, seems to be an institution of the many), 
 that the whole state is ever in the prof oundest peace after 
 a full meal ; and that civil broils arise among them when 
 it happens for one great bone to be seized on by some 
 leading dog, who either divides it among the few, and 
 then it falls to an oligarchy, or keeps it to himself, and 
 then it runs up to a tyranny. The same reasoning also 
 holds place among them in those dissensions we behold 
 upon a turgescency in any of their females. For the 
 
 ' Riches produoeth pride ; pride is war's ground, &o. Tide 
 Ephem. de Mary Clarke ; opt. edit, [now called Wing's Sheet Alma- 
 nack, and printed by J. Roberta for the Company of Stationers. — H.] 
 
542 ' THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 right of possession lying in common (it being impossible 
 to establish a property in so delicate a case), jealousies 
 and suspicions do so abound, that the whole common- 
 wealth of that street is reduced to a manifest state of war, 
 of every citizen against every citizen, till some one, of 
 more courage, conduct, or fortune than the rest, seizes 
 and enjoys the prize ; upon which naturally arises plenty 
 of heart-burning, and envy, and snarling against the 
 happy dog. Again, if we look upon any of these repub- 
 lics engaged in a foreign war, either of invasion or 
 defence, we shall find the same reasoning will serve as to 
 the grounds and occasions of each, and that poverty or 
 want in some degree or other (whether real or Ln opinion, 
 which makes no alteration in the case), has a great share, 
 as well as pride, on the part of the aggressor. 
 
 Now, whoever will please to take this scheme, and 
 either reduce or adapt it to an inteUeotual state, or com- 
 monwealth of learning, will soon discover the fi.rst ground 
 of disagreement between the two great parties at this 
 time in arms, and may form just conclusions upon the 
 merits of either cause. But the issue or events of this 
 war are not so easy to conjecture at ; for the present 
 quarrel is so inflamed by the warm heads of either 
 faction, and the pretensions somewhere or other so 
 exorbitant, as not to admit the least overtures of accom- 
 modation. This quarrel first began (as I have heard it 
 affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood) about 
 a small spot of ground, lying and being upon one of the 
 two tops of the hUl Parnassus ; the highest and largest 
 of which had, it seems, been time out of mind Ln quiet 
 possession of certain tenants, called the Ancients, and 
 the other was held by the Modems. But these, dishking 
 their present station, sent certain ambassadors to the 
 Ancients, complaining of a great nuisance ; how the 
 height of that part of Parnassus quite spoiled the pros- 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 543 
 
 pect of theirs, especially towards the east ; * and there- 
 fore, to avoid a war, offered them the choice of this 
 alternative — either that the Ancients would please to 
 remove themselves and their effects down to the lower 
 Bummity, which the Moderns would graciously surrender 
 to them, and advance in their place ; or else that the 
 said Ancients will give leave to the Moderns to come with 
 shovels and mattocks, and level the said hill as low as 
 they shall think it convenient. To which the Ancients 
 made answer, how little they expected such a message as 
 this from a colony whom they had admitted, out of their 
 own free grace, to so near a neighbourhood. That, as to 
 their own seat, they were aborigines of it, and therefore 
 to talk with them of a removal or surrender, was a lan- 
 guage they did not understand. That if the height of 
 the hill on their side shortened the prospect of the 
 Moderns, it was a disadvantage they could not help, but 
 desired them to consider, whether that injury (if it be 
 any) were not largely recompensed by the shade and 
 shelter it afforded them. That as to the levelling or 
 digging down, it was either folly or ignorance to propose 
 it, if they did, or did not know, how that side of the hill 
 was an entire rock, which would break their tools and 
 hearts, without any damage to itself. That they woidd 
 therefore advise the Modems rather to raise their own 
 side of the hill, than dream of pulling down that of the 
 Ancients ; to the former of which they would not only 
 give licence, but also largely contribute. All this was 
 rejected by the Moderns with much indignation, who 
 still insisted upon one of the two expedients ; and so this 
 difference broke out into a long and obstinate war, main- 
 
 * Sir William Temple affects to trace the progress of arts and 
 sciences from east to west. Thus the modems had only such know- 
 ledge of the learning of Chaldiea and Egypt as was conveyed to them 
 through the medium of Grecian and Boman writers. — S. 
 
544 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 tained on the one part by resolution, and by the courage 
 of certain leaders and allies ; but on the other, by the 
 greatness of their number, upon all defeats, affording 
 continual recruits. In this quarrel whole rivulets of ink 
 have been exhausted, and the virulence of both parties 
 enormously augmented. Now, it must here be under- 
 stood, that ink is the great missive weapon in all battles 
 of the learned, which, conveyed through a sort of engine 
 called a quill, infinite numbers of these are darted at 
 the enemy, by the valiant on each side, with equal skUl 
 and violence, as if it were an engagement of porcupines 
 This malignant liquor was compounded, by the engineer 
 who invented it, of two ingredients, which are gall and 
 copperas, by its bitterness and venom to suit in some 
 degree, as well as to foment, the genius of the comba- 
 tants. And as the Grecians, after an engagement, when 
 they could not agree about the victory, were wont to set 
 up trophies on both sides, the beaten party being content 
 to be at the same expense, to keep itself in countenance 
 (a laudable and ancient custom, happily revived of late, 
 in the art of war), so the learned, after a sharp and 
 bloody dispute, do on both sides hang out their trophies 
 too, whichever comes by the worse. These trophies have 
 largely inscribed on them the merits of the cause, a full 
 impartial account of such a battle, and how the victory 
 fell clearly to the party that set them up. They are 
 known to the world under several names ; as disputes, 
 arguments, rejoinders, brief considerations, answers, 
 replies, remarks, reflections, objections, confutations. 
 For a very few days they are fixed up in all public places, 
 either by themselves or their representatives,* for pas- 
 sengers to gaze at ; from whence the chiefest and largest 
 are removed to certain magazines they call libraries, 
 there to remain in a quarter purposely assigned them, 
 ' Their title-pages. 
 
THE BATTLE OP THE BOOKS 545 
 
 &nd from thenceforth begin to be called Books of 
 Controversy. 
 
 In these books is wonderfully instilled and preserved 
 the spirit of each warrior, while he is aUve ; and after his 
 death his soul transmigrates there to inform them. This 
 at least is the more common opinion ; but I believe it is 
 with libraries as with other cemeteries, where some philo- 
 sophers affirm that a certain spirit, which they call 
 brutum hominis, hovers over the monument till the body 
 is corrupted and turns to dust or to worms, but then 
 vanishes or dissolves. So, we may say, a restless spirit 
 haunts over every book, till dust or worms have seized 
 upon it, which to some may happen in a few days, but to 
 others later ; and, therefore, books of controversy being, 
 of all others, haunted by the most disorderly spirits, have 
 always been confined in a separate lodge from the rest ; 
 and, for fear of mutual violence against each other, it was 
 thought prudent by our ancestors to bind them to the 
 peace with strong iron chains. Of which invention the 
 original occasion was this — When the works of Scotus 
 first came out, they were carried to a certain great 
 library and had lodgings appointed them ; but this 
 author was no sooner settled than he went to visit his 
 master Aristotle ; and there both concerted together to 
 seize Plato by main force, and turn him out from his 
 ancient station among the divines, where he had peace- 
 ably dwelt near eight hundred years. The attempt 
 succeeded, and the two usurpers have reigned ever since 
 in his stead : but to maintain quiet for the future, it was 
 decreed, that all polemics of the larger size should be held 
 fast with a chain. 
 
 By this expedient, the public peace of libraries might 
 certainly have been preserved, if a new species of con- 
 troversial books had not arose of late years, instinct 
 with a most malignant spirit, from the war above 
 
546 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 mentioned between the learned, about the higher summit 
 of Parnassus. 
 
 When these books were first admitted into the public 
 libraries, I remember to have said, upon occasion, to 
 several persons concerned, how I was sure they would 
 create broils wherever they came, unless a world of care 
 were taken ; and therefore I advised, that the champions 
 of each side should be coupled together, or otherwise 
 mixed, that, like the blending of contrary poisons, their 
 malignity might be employed among themselves. And 
 it seems I was neither an ill prophet nor an ill counsellor ; 
 for it was nothing else but the neglect of this caution 
 which gave occasion to the terrible fight that happened 
 on Friday last between the ancient and modem books in 
 the King's Library. Now, because the talk of this battle 
 is so fresh in everybody's mouth, and the expectation 
 of the town so great to be informed in the particulars, 
 I, being possessed of all qualifications requisite in an 
 historian, and retained by neither party, have resolved 
 to comply with the urgent importunity of my friends, by 
 writing down a full impartial account thereof. 
 
 The guardian of the regal library,* a person of great 
 valour, but chiefly renowned for his humanity,* had been 
 a fierce champion for the Modems ; and, in an engage- 
 ment upon Parnassus, had vowed, with his own hands, 
 to knock down two of the Ancient chiefs,* who guarded 
 
 ' Dr. Bentley was appointed Royal Librarian, December 23, 1693, 
 upon the death of hia predecessor, Mr. Justell. He had already dis- 
 tinguished himaeU by hia learning and by his excellent sermons. — S. 
 
 ' The Honourable Mr. Boyle, in the preface to his edition ol 
 Phalaris, says he was refused a manuscript by the library keeper, pro 
 solita humanitate sud. — 1710. 
 
 This was the sparkle which kindled so hot a flame. Dr. Bentley 
 does not quite clear himself of having been a little churlish concern- 
 ing the manuscript. — S. 
 
 " Dr. Bentley aided Wotton in his Befledions upon Ancient and 
 Modern Learning, by proving that the works of Phalaris and ^sop, 
 authors extolled by Sir William Temple, were in reality spurious. — S. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 547 
 
 a small pass on the superior rock ; but, endeavouring to 
 climb up, was cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy 
 weight, and tendency towards his centre : a quality to 
 which those of the Modern party are extreme subject ; 
 for, being light-headed, they have in speculation a won- 
 derful agility, and conceive nothing too high for them to 
 mount, but in reducing to practice discover a mighty 
 pressure about their posteriors and their heels. Having 
 thus failed in his design, the disappointed chaMpion bore 
 a cruel rancour to the Ancients, which he resolved to 
 gratify by showing all marks of his favour to the books of 
 their adversaries, and lodging them in the fairest apart- 
 ments ; when, at the same time, whatever book had the 
 boldness to own itself for an advocate of the Ancients, 
 was buried alive in some obscure comer, and threatened, 
 upon the least displeasure, to be turned out of doors. 
 Besides, it so happened, that about this time there was 
 a strange confusion of place among aU the books in the 
 library ; for which several reasons were assigned. Some 
 imputed it to a great heap of learned dust, which a per- 
 verse wind blew off from a shelf of Moderns into the 
 keeper's eyes. Others affirmed he had a humour to pick 
 the worms out of the schoolmen, and swallow them fresh 
 and fasting ; whereof some fell upon his spleen, and 
 some climbed up into his head, to the great perturbation 
 of both. And lastly, others maintained, that, by walk- 
 ing much in the dark about the library, he had quite lost 
 the situation of it out of his head ; and therefore in 
 replacing his books he was apt to mistake, and clap Des- 
 cartes next to Aristotle ; poor Plato had got between 
 Hobbes and the Seven Wise Masters, and Virgil was 
 hemmed in with Dryden on one side and Withers on the 
 other. 
 
 Meanwhile those books that were advocates for the 
 Modems chose out one from among them to make a 
 
648 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 progress through the whole library, examine the number 
 and strength of their party, and concert their afiairs. This 
 messenger performed all things very industriously, and 
 brought back with him a list of their forces, in all fifty 
 thousand, consisting chiefly of light-horse, heavy-armed 
 foot, and mercenaries ; whereof the foot were in general 
 but sorrily armed, and worse clad ; their horses large, 
 but extremely out of case and heart ; however, some 
 few, by trading among the Ancients, had furnished them- 
 selves tolerably enough. 
 
 While things were in this ferment, discord grew 
 extremely high, hot words passed on both sides, and 
 ill blood was plentifully bred. Here a solitary Ancient, 
 squeezed up among a whole shelf of Moderns, offered 
 fairly to dispute the case, and to prove by manifest 
 reasons, that the priority was due them, from long 
 possession, and in regard of their prudence, antiquity, 
 and, above all, their great merits towards the Modems. 
 But these denied the premises, and seemed very much 
 to wonder, how the Ancients could pretend to insist 
 upon their antiquity, when it was so plain (if they went 
 to that) that the Moderns were much the more ancient * 
 of the two. As for any obligations they owed to the 
 Ancients, they renounced them all. ' 'Tis true ', said 
 they, ' we are informed, some few of our party have 
 been so mean to borrow their subsistence from you ; but 
 the rest, infinitely the greater number (and especially we 
 French and English) were so far from stooping to so base 
 an example, that there never passed, tUl this very hour, 
 six words between us. For our horses are of our own 
 breeding, our arms of our own forging, and our clothes 
 of our own cutting out and sewing.' Plato was by chance 
 upon the next shelf, and observing those that spoke to 
 be in the ragged phght mentioned a while ago, their jades 
 
 ' According to the modern paradox- 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 549 
 
 lean and foundered, their weapons of rotten wood, their 
 armour rusty, and nothing but rags underneath, he 
 laughed loud, and in his pleasant way swore, by G — 
 he believed them. 
 
 Now, the Moderns had not proceeded in their late 
 negotiation with secrecy enough to escape the notice of 
 the enemy. For those advocates, who had begun the 
 quarrel by setting first on foot the dispute of precedency, 
 talked so loud of coming to a battle, that Temple hap- 
 pened to overhear them, and gave immediate intelligence 
 to the Ancients, who thereupon drew up their scattered 
 troops together, resolving to act upon the defensive ; 
 upon which, several of the Modems fled over to their 
 party, and among the rest Temple himself. This Temple, 
 having been educated and long conversed among the 
 Ancients, was, of all the Moderns, their greatest favourite, 
 and became their greatest champion. 
 
 Things were at this crisis, when a material accident 
 fell out. For, upon the highest corner of a large window, 
 there dwelt a certain spider, swollen up to the first mag- 
 nitude by the destruction of infinite numbers of flies, 
 whose spoils lay scattered before the gates of his palace, 
 like human bones before the cave of some giant. The 
 avenues to his castle were guarded with turnpikes and 
 palisadoes, all after the modern way of fortification.^ 
 After you had passed several courts, you came to the 
 centre, wherein you might behold the constable himself 
 in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting to each 
 avenue, and ports to sally out, upon all occasions of prey 
 or defence. In this mansion he had for some time dwelt 
 in peace and plenty, without danger to his person by 
 swallows from above, or to his palace by brooms from 
 
 ' Fortification was one of the arts, upon the improvement of 
 which the argument in favour of the moderns was founded by their 
 advocates. — S. 
 
550 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 below ; when it was the pleasure of fortune to conduct 
 thither a wandering bee, to whose curiosity a broken 
 pane in the glass had discovered itself, and in he went ; 
 where, expatiating a while, he at last happened to alight 
 upon one of the outward walls of the spider's citadel ; 
 which, yielding to the unequal weight, sunk down to 
 the very foundation. Thrice he endeavoured to force 
 his passage, and thrice the centre shook. The spider 
 within, feeling the terrible convulsion, supposed at first 
 that nature was approaching to her final dissolution ; 
 or else that Beelzebub,-"^ with all his legions, was come to 
 revenge the death of many thousands of his subjects, 
 whom his enemy had slain and devoured. However, he 
 at length valiantly resolved to issue forth, and meet his 
 fate. Meanwhile the bee had acquitted himself of his 
 toUs, and, posted securely at some distance, was em- 
 ployed in cleansing his wings, and disengaging them 
 from the ragged remnants of the cobweb. By this time 
 the spider was adventured out, when, beholding the 
 chasms, the ruins, and dilapidations of his fortress, he 
 was very near at his wit's end ; he stormed and swore 
 like a madman, and swelled till he was ready to burst. 
 At length, casting his eye upon the bee, and wisely 
 gathering causes from events (for they knew each other 
 by sight) : ' A plague split you,' said he, ' for a giddy 
 son of a whore. Is it you, with a vengeance, that have 
 made this litter here ? Could not you look before you, 
 and be d — d ? Do you think I have nothing else to do, 
 in the devil's name, but to mend and repair after your 
 arse ? ' — ' Good words, friend,' said the bee (having now 
 pruned himself, and being disposed to droll), ' I'll give 
 you my hand and word to come near your kennel no 
 more ; I was never in such a confounded pickle since I 
 was born.' — ' Sirrah,' replied the spider, ' if it were not 
 ' Supposed to be the tutelar deity of the flies. — S. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 551 
 
 for breaking an old custom in our family, never to stir 
 abroad against an enemy, I should come and teach you 
 better manners.' — ' I pray have patience,' said the bee, 
 ' or you will spend your substance, and, for aught I see, 
 you may stand in need of it all, towards the repair of 
 your house.' — ' Rogue, rogue,' replied the spider, ' yet 
 methinks you should have more respect to a person, 
 whom all the world allows to be so much your betters.' 
 — ' By my troth,' said the bee, ' the comparison will 
 amount to a very good jest, and you will do me a favour 
 to let me know the reasons that all the world is pleased 
 to use in so hopeful a dispute.' At this the spider, 
 having swelled himself into the size and posture of a 
 disputant, began his argument in the true spirit of 
 controversy, with a resolution to be heartily scurrilous 
 and angry, to urge on his own reasons, without the least 
 regard to the answers or objections of his opposite, and 
 fully predetermined in his mind against all conviction. 
 
 ' Not to disparage myself,' said he, ' by the comparison 
 with such a rascal, what art thou but a vagabond with- 
 out house or home, without stock or inheritance, bom 
 to no possession of your own, but a pair of wings and 
 a drone-pipe ? Your livelihood is an universal plunder 
 upon nature ; a freebooter over fields and gardens ; and, 
 for the sake of stealing, will rob a nettle as easily as a 
 violet. Whereas I am a domestic animal, furnished with 
 a native stock within myself. This large castle (to show 
 my improvements in the mathematics ■^) is all built with 
 my own hands, and the materials extracted altogether 
 out of my own person.' 
 
 ' I am glad,' answered the bee, ' to hear you grant at 
 least that I am come honestly by my wings and my 
 
 • The improvements in mathematical science were (very justly) 
 urged by those who contended for the excellence of modem 
 learning. — S. 
 
552 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 voice ; for then, it seems, I am obliged to Heaven alone 
 for my flights and my music ; and Providence would 
 never have bestowed on me two such gifts, without 
 designing them for the noblest ends. I visit indeed all 
 the flowers and blossoms of the field and the garden ; 
 but whatever I collect thence enriches myself, without 
 the least injury to their beauty, their smell, or their taste. 
 Now, for you and your skill in architecture and other 
 mathematics, I have little to say : in that building of 
 yours there might, for aught I know, have been labour 
 and method enough ; but, by woful experience for us 
 both, 'tis too plain, the materials are naught, and I hope 
 you will henceforth take warning, and consider duration 
 and matter as well as method and art. You boast, indeed, 
 of being obliged to no other creature, but of drawing and 
 spinning out all from yourself ; that is to say, if we may 
 judge of the liquor in the vessel by what issues out, you 
 possess a good plentiful store of dirt and poison in your 
 breast ; and, though I would by no means lessen or dis- 
 parage your genuine stock of either, yet I doubt you 
 are somewhat obliged, for an increase of both, to a little 
 foreign assistance. Your inherent portion of dirt does 
 not fail of acquisitions, by sweepings exhaled from below ; 
 and one insect furnishes you with a share of poison to 
 destroy another. So that, in short, the question comes 
 all to this — Whether is the nobler being of the two, that 
 which, by a lazy contemplation of four inches round, by 
 an overweening pride, feeding and engendering on itself, 
 turns all into excrement and venom, producing nothing 
 at all, but flybane and a cobweb ; or that which, by 
 an universal range, with long search, much study, true 
 judgement, and distinction of things, brings home honey 
 and wax.' 
 
 This dispute was managed with such eagerness, 
 clamour, and warmth, that the two parties of books, in 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 553 
 
 arms below, stood silent a while, waiting in suspense 
 what would be the issue, which was not long undeter- 
 mined : for the bee, grown impatient at so much loss 
 of time, fled straight away to a bed of roses, without 
 looking for a reply, and left the spider like an orator, 
 collected in himself and just prepared to burst out. 
 
 It happened upon this emergency, that ^sop broke 
 silence first. He had been of late most barbarously 
 treated by a strange efiect of the regent's humanity, 
 who *■ had tore ofE his title-page, sorely defaced one half 
 of his leaves, and chained him fast among a shelf of 
 Moderns. Where, soon discovering how high the quarrel 
 was like to proceed, he tried all his arts, and turned him- 
 self to a thousand forms. At length, in the borrowed 
 shape of an ass, the regent mistook him for a Modern ; 
 by which means he had time and opportunity to escape 
 to the Ancients, just when the spider and the bee were 
 entering into their contest, to which he gave his atten- 
 tion with a world of pleasure ; and when it was ended, 
 swore in the loudest key, that in all his life he had never 
 known two cases so parallel and adapt to each other, as 
 that in the window, and this upon the shelves. ' The 
 disputants,' said he, ' have admirably managed the dis- 
 pute between them, have taken in the full strength of 
 all that is to be said on both sides, and exhausted the 
 substance of every argument 'pro and con. It is but to 
 adjust the reasonings of both to the present quarrel, 
 then to compare and apply the labours and fruits of 
 each, as the bee has learnedly deduced them, and we 
 shall find the conclusion fall plain and close upon the 
 Moderns and us. For, pray, gentlemen, was ever any- 
 thing so modern as the spider, in his air, his turns, and 
 
 ' Bentley, who denied the antiquity of ^sop, and the authenticity 
 of the fables ascribed to him, which he supposed to have been com- 
 posed by Maximus Planudes. — S. 
 
554 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 his paradoxes ? He argues in the behalf of you his 
 brethren and himself, with many boastings of his native 
 stock and great genius, that he spins and spits wholly 
 from himself, and scorns to own any obligation or assis- 
 tance from without. Then he displays to you his great 
 skill in architecture, and improvement in the mathe- 
 matics. To all this the bee, as an advocate retained by 
 us the Ancients, thinks fit to answer — that, if one may 
 judge of the great genius or inventions of the Moderns 
 by what they have produced, you will hardly have 
 countenance to bear you out in boasting of either. 
 Erect your schemes with as much method and skill as 
 you please ; yet if the materials be nothing but dirt, 
 spun out of your own entrails (the guts of modern brains), 
 the edifice will conclude at last in a cobweb, the duration 
 of which, like that of other spiders' webs, may be im- 
 puted to their being forgotten, or neglected, or hid in 
 a comer. For anything else of genuine that the Modems 
 may pretend to, I cannot recollect ; unless it be a large 
 vein of wrangling and satire, much of a nature and sub- 
 stance with the spider's poison ; which, however, they 
 pretend to spit wholly out of themselves, is improved 
 by the same arts, by feeding upon the insects and vermin 
 of the age. As for us the Ancients, we are content with 
 the bee to pretend to nothing of our own, beyond our 
 wings and our voice, that is to say, our flights and our 
 language. For the rest, whatever we have got, has been 
 by infinite labour and search, and ranging through every 
 comer of nature ; the difference is, that, instead of dirt 
 and poison, we have rather chosen to fill our hives with 
 honey and wax, thus furnishing mankind with the two 
 noblest of things, which are sweetness and light.' 
 
 'Tis wonderful to conceive the tumult arisen among 
 the books, upon the close of this long descant of JEsop ; 
 both parties took the hint, and heightened their ani- 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 555 
 
 mosities so on a sudden, that they resolved it should 
 come to a battle. Immediately the two main bodies 
 withdrew, under their several ensigns, to the farther 
 parts of the library, and there entered into cabals and 
 consults upon the present emergency. The Modems 
 were in very warm debates upon the choice of their 
 leaders ; and nothing less than the fear impending from 
 their enemies, could have kept them from mutinies upon 
 this occasion. The difierence was greatest among the 
 horse, where every private trooper pretended to the 
 chief command, from Tasso and Milton to Dryden and 
 Withers. The light-horse ^ were commanded by Cowley 
 and Despreaux.* There came the bowmen * under their 
 valiant leaders, Descartes, Gassendi, and Hobbes, 
 whose strength was such that they could shoot their 
 arrows beyond the atmosphere, never to fall down again, 
 but turn, like that of Evander, into meteors, or, like the 
 cannon-ball, into stars. Paracelsus brought a squadron 
 of stink-pot-flingers from the snowy mountains of 
 Rhsetia. There came a vast body of dragoons, of 
 different nations, under the leading of Harvey,* their 
 
 ' The epio poeta were presented as full-armed horsemen ; the 
 lyrical bards as light horse. — S. 
 
 ' More commonly known by the name of Boileau. — H. 
 
 ' The philosophers, whether physical or metaphysical, are thus 
 classed.— -S. 
 
 * The celebrated discoverer of the circulation of the blood ; con- 
 cerning which Sir William Temple, with very little candour, thus 
 expresses himself : 'There is nothing new in astronomy to vie with 
 the ancients, unless it be the Copernaean system ; nor in physio, 
 unless Harvey's circulation of the blood. But whether either of these 
 be modem discoveries, or derived from old fountains is disputed ; 
 nay, it is so too, whether they are true or no ; for though reason may 
 seem to favour them more than the contrary opinions, yet sense can 
 very hardly aUow them ; and, to satisfy mankind, both these must 
 concur. But if they are true, yet these two great discoveries have 
 made no change in the conclusions of astronomy, nor in the practice 
 of physic and so have been of little use to the world, though, perhaps, 
 of much honour to the authors.' — Essay upon Ancient and Modern 
 Learning. — S. 
 
556 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 great aga : part armed with scythes, the weapons of 
 death ; part with lances and long knives, all steeped in 
 poison : part shot bullets of a most maUgnant nature, 
 and used white powder, which infallibly killed without 
 report. There came several bodies of heavy-armed foot, 
 all mercenaries, under the ensigns of Guicciardini, Davila, 
 Polydore Virgil, Buchanan, Mariana, Camden, and others. 
 The engineers were commanded by Regiomontanus and 
 Wilkins. The rest were a confused multitude, led by 
 Scotus, Aquinas, and Bellarmine ; of mighty bulk and 
 stature, but without either arms, courage, or discipline. 
 In the last place, came infinite swarms of calones,*^ a dis- 
 orderly rout led by L' Estrange, rogues and ragamufSns, 
 that follow the camp for nothing but the plunder, all 
 without coats to cover them. 
 
 The army of the Ancients was much fewer in number ; 
 Homer led the horse, and Pindar the light-horse ; Euclid 
 was chief engineer ; Plato and Aristotle commanded the 
 bowmen ; Herodotus and Livy the foot ; Hippocrates 
 the dragoons. The allies, led by Vossius and Temple, 
 brought up the rear. 
 
 All things violently tending to a decisive battle. Fame, 
 who much frequented, and had a large apartment for- 
 merly assigned her in the regal library, fled up straight 
 to Jupiter, to whom she delivered a faithful account of 
 all that had passed between the two parties below. (For, 
 among the gods, she always tells truth.) Jove, in great 
 concern, convokes a council in the Milky Way. The 
 
 • These are pamphlets, which are not bound or covered. — 1710. 
 
 Ev calling this disorderly rout calones the author points both his 
 satire and contempt against all sorts of mercenary scribblers, who 
 write as they are commanded by the leaders and patrons of sedition, 
 faction, corruption, and every evil work : they are styled calones 
 because they are the meanest and most despicable of all writers, as the 
 calones, whether belonging to the army or private families, were the 
 meanest of all slaves or servants whatsoever. — H. 
 
 Sir Roger L'Estrange was distinguished by his activity in this 
 dirty warfare in the reigns of Charles II and James XL — S. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 557 
 
 senate assembled, he declares the occasion of convening 
 them ; a bloody battle just impendent between two 
 mighty armies of Ancient and Modern creatures, called 
 books, wherein the celestial interest was but too deeply 
 concerned. Momus,* the patron of the Moderns, made 
 an excellent speech in their favour, which was answered 
 by Pallas, the protectress of the Ancients. The assembly 
 was divided in their afiections ; when Jupiter commanded 
 the book of fate to be laid before him. Immediately 
 were brought by Mercury three large volumes in folio, 
 containing memoirs of all things past, present, and to 
 come. The clasps were of silver, double gilt ; the covers 
 of celestial turkey leather ; and the paper such as here 
 on earth might almost pass for vellum. Jupiter, having 
 silently read the decree, would communicate the import 
 to none, but presently shut up the book. 
 
 Without the doors of this assembly, there attended 
 a vast number of light, nimble gods, menial servants to 
 Jupiter : these are his ministering instruments in all 
 affairs below. They travel in a caravan, more or less 
 together, and are fastened to each other, like a link of 
 galley-slaves, by a light chain, which passes from them 
 to Jupiter's great toe ; and yet, in receiving or delivering 
 a message, they may never approach above the lowest 
 step of his throne, where he and they whisper to each 
 other, through a long hollow trunk. These deities are 
 called by mortal men accidents or events ; but the gods 
 call them second causes. Jupiter having delivered his 
 message to a certain number of these divinities, they 
 flew immediately down to the pinnacle of the regal 
 library, and, consulting a few minutes, entered unseen 
 and disposed the parties according to their orders. 
 
 Meanwhile, Momus, fearing the worst, and calling to 
 
 ' Momus is named as the presiding deity of the Moderns, probably 
 on account of the superiority claimed forthem in works of humour. — S- 
 
558 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 mind an ancient prophecy, which bore no very good face 
 to his children the Modems, bent his flight to the region 
 of a malignant deity, called Criticism. She dwelt on the 
 top of a snowy mountain in Nova Zembla ; there Momus 
 found her extended in her den, upon the spoils of num- 
 berless volumes half devoured. At her right hand sat 
 Ignorance, her father and husband, blind with age ; at 
 her left. Pride, her mother, dressing her up in the scraps 
 of paper herself had torn. There was Opinion, her sister, 
 light of foot, hoodwinked, and headstrong, yet giddy, 
 and perpetually turning. About her played her children, 
 Noise and Impudence, Dulness and Vanity, Positiveness, 
 Pedantry, and Hi-manners. The goddess herself had 
 claws like a cat ; her head, and ears, and voice, resembled 
 those of an ass ; her teeth fallen out before, her eyes 
 turned inward, as if she looked only upon herself ; her 
 diet was the overflowing of her own gall ; her spleen 
 was so large, as to stand prominent like a dug of the 
 first rate ; nor wanted excrescencies in form of teats, 
 at which a crew of ugly monsters were greedily sucking ; 
 and, what is wonderful to conceive, the bulk of spleen 
 increased faster than the sucking coxild diminish it. 
 ' Goddess,' said Momus, ' can you sit idly here while our 
 devout worshippers, the Modems, are this minute enter- 
 ing into a cruel battle, and perhaps now lying imder the 
 swords of their enemies ? Who then hereafter will ever 
 sacrifice or build altars to our divinities ? Haste, there- 
 fore, to the British Isle, and, if possible, prevent their 
 destruction ; while I make factions among the gods, 
 and gain them over to our party.' 
 
 Momus, having thus deUvered himself, stayed not for 
 an answer, but left the goddess to her own resentment. 
 Up she rose in a rage, and, as it is the form upon such 
 occasions, began a soliloquy : ' 'Tis I,' (said she,) ' who 
 give wisdom to infants and idiots ; by me, children 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 559 
 
 grow wiser than their parents ; by me, beaux become 
 politicians, and school-boys judges of philosophy ; by 
 me, sophisters debate, and conclude upon the depths 
 of knowledge ; and coffeehouse wits, instinct by me, 
 can correct an author's style and display his minutest 
 errors, without understanding a syllable of his matter 
 or his language. By me, striplings spend their judge- 
 ment, as they do their estate, before it comes into their 
 hands. 'Tis I who have deposed wit and knowledge 
 from their empire over poetry, and advanced myself in 
 their stead. And shall a few upstart Ancients dare oppose 
 me ? — ^But come, my aged parents and you, my children 
 dear, and thou, my beauteous sister ; let us ascend my 
 chariot, and haste to assist our devout Modems, who are 
 now sacrificing to us a hecatomb, as I perceive by that 
 grateful smell, which from thence reaches my nostrils.' 
 
 The goddess and her train having mounted the chariot, 
 which was drawn by tame geese, flew over infinite 
 regions, shedding her influence in due places, till at length 
 she arrived at her beloved island of Britain ; but in 
 hovering over its metropolis, what blessings did she not 
 let fall upon her seminaries of Gresham and Covent 
 Garden ! And now she reached the fatal plain of 
 St. James's Library, at what time the two armies were 
 upon the point to engage ; where, entering with all her 
 caravan unseen, and landing upon a case of shelves, now 
 desert, but once inhabited by a colony of virtuosoes, 
 she stayed a while to observe the posture of both armies. 
 
 But here the tender cares of a mother began to fill her 
 thoughts, and move in her breast. For, at the head of 
 a troop of Modem Bowmen, she cast her eyes upon her 
 son W-tt-n ; to whom the fates had assigned a very 
 short thread. W-tt-n, a young hero, whom an unknown 
 father of mortal race begot by stolen embraces with this 
 goddess. He was the darling of his mother above all 
 
560 THE BATTLE OP THE BOOKS 
 
 her children, and she resolved to go and comfort him. 
 But first, according to the good old custom of deities, 
 she oast about to change her shape, for fear the divinity 
 of her countenance might dazzle his mortal sight, and 
 overcharge the rest of his senses. She therefore gathered 
 up her person into an octavo compass ; her body grew 
 white and arid, and split in pieces with dryness ; the 
 thick turned into pasteboard, and the thin into paper, 
 upon which her parents and children artfully strewed 
 a black juice, or decoction of gall and soot, in form of 
 letters ; her head, and voice, and spleen, kept their 
 primitive form, and that which before was a cover of 
 skin, did still continue so. In which guise she marched 
 on towards the Moderns, undistinguishable in shape and 
 dress from the divine B-ntl-y, W-tt-n's dearest friend. 
 ' Brave W-tt-n,' said the goddess, ' why do our troops 
 stand idle here, to spend their present vigour, and oppor- 
 tunity of this day ? Away, let us haste to the generals, 
 and advise to give the onset immediately.' Having 
 spoke thus, she took the ugliest of her monsters, full 
 glutted from her spleen, and flung it invisibly into his 
 mouth, which, flying straight up into his head, squeezed 
 out his eye-balls, gave him a distorted look, and half 
 overturned his brain. Then she privately ordered two 
 of her beloved children, Dulness and Ill-Manners, closely 
 to attend his person in all encounters. Having thus 
 accoutred him, she vanished in a mist, and the hero 
 perceived it was the goddess his mother. 
 
 The destined hour of fate being now arrived, the fight 
 began ; whereof, before I dare adventure to make a par- 
 ticular description, I must, after the example of other 
 authors, petition for a hundred tongues, and mouths, and 
 hands, and pens, which would all be too little to perform 
 so immense a work. Say, goddess, that presidest over 
 History, who it was that first advanced in the field of 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 561 
 
 battle ! Paracelsus, at the head of his dragoons, observ- 
 ing Galen in the adverse wing, darted hia javelin with 
 a mighty force, which the brave Ancient received upon 
 his shield, the point breaking in the second fold. . 
 
 Hicpauca 
 desuni. 
 
 They bore the wounded aga ^ on their shields to his chariot 
 
 Desunt ....... 
 
 nonnulla. ...... 
 
 ThcL, Aristotle, observing Bacon * advance with a 
 furious mien, drew his bow to the head, and let fly his 
 arrow, which missed the valiant Modern, and went 
 hizzing over his head. But Descartes it hit ; the steel 
 point quickly found a defect in his head-piece ; it pierced 
 the leather and the pasteboard, and went in at his right 
 eye. The torture of the pain whirled the valiant bowman 
 round, till death, like a star of superior influence, drew 
 him into his own vortex." 
 
 Ingens hiatus 
 hie in MS. 
 
 when Homer appeared at the head 
 
 ' Dr. Harvey. It was not thought proper to name hia antagonist, 
 but only to intimate that he was wounded. — H. 
 
 ' The author, in naming Bacon, does a piece of justice to modern 
 philosophy which Temple had omitted. ' I know of no new philo- 
 sophers that have made entries on that noble stage for fifteen hundred 
 years past, unless Descartes and Hobbes should pretend to it ; of 
 whom I shall make no critique here, but only say, that, by what 
 appears of learned men's opinions in this age they have by no means 
 eclipsed the lustre of Plato, Aristotle, Epicurus, or others of the 
 ancients.' — Eesat/ on Ancient and Modern Learning. — Neither Swift 
 nor Temple mention the discoveries of Newton, though the Priiwipia 
 were published in 1657. — S. 
 
 ' Alluding to his absurd system. — S. 
 
562 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 of the cavalry, mounted on a furious horse, with difficulty 
 managed by the rider himself, but which no other mortal 
 durst approach : he rode among the enemy's ranks, and 
 bore down all before him. Say, goddess, whom he slew 
 first, and whom he slew last 1 First, Gondibert ^ ad- 
 vanced against him, clad in heavy armour, and moimted 
 on a staid, sober gelding, not so famed for his speed as 
 his docility in kneeling, whenever his rider would mount 
 or alight. He had made a vow to Pallas that he would 
 never leave the field till he had spoiled Homer ^ of his 
 armour : Madman, who had never once seen the wearer, 
 nor understood his strength ! Him Homer overthrew, 
 horse and man, to the ground, there to be trampled and 
 choked in the dirt. Then, with a long spear, he slew 
 Denham,* a stout Modern, who from his father's side 
 derived his lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of 
 mortal race. He fell, and bit the earth. The celestial part 
 Apollo took, and made it a star ; but the terrestrial lay 
 wallowing upon the ground. Then Homer slew W-sl-y,* 
 with a kick of his horse's heel ; he took Perrault by mighty 
 force out of his saddle, then hurled him at FonteneUe, 
 with the same blow dashing out both their brains. 
 
 On the left wing of the horse, Virgil appeared, in 
 shining armour, completely fitted to his body : He was 
 mounted on a dapple-gray steed, the slowness of whose 
 pace was an effect of the highest mettle and vigour. He 
 cast his eye on the adverse wing, with a desire to find 
 an object worthy of his valour, when, behold, upon a 
 sorrel gelding of a monstrous size, appeared a foe, issuing 
 
 ' A heroic poem by Sir William Davenant, in stanzas of four 
 lines. — H. 
 
 ' Yid. Homer. 
 
 ' Sir John Denham's poems are very unequal, extremely good and 
 very indifferent ; so that his detractors said he was not the real 
 au thor of Cooper's Hill. 
 
 * Mr. Wesley, who wrote the Life of Christ, in verse, &o. A 
 wretched scribbler. — S. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 563 
 
 trom among the tidckest of the enemy's squadrons ; but 
 his speed was less than his noise ; for his horse, old and 
 lean, spent the dregs of his strength in a high trot, which, 
 though it made slow advances, yet caused a loud clashing 
 of his armour, terrible to hear. The two cavaliers had 
 now approached within the throw of a lance, when the 
 stranger desired a parley, and, lifting up the vizor of his 
 helmet, a face hardly appeared from within, which, after 
 a pause, was known for that of the renowned Dryden. 
 The brave Ancient suddenly started, as one possessed 
 with surprise and disappointment together ; for the 
 helmet was nine times too large for the head, which 
 appeared situate far in the hinder part, even like the 
 lady in a lobster, or like a mouse under a canopy of state, 
 or like a shrivelled beau, from within the penthouse of 
 a modern periwig ; and the voice was suited to the visage, 
 sounding weak and remote. Dryden, in a long harangue, 
 soothed up the good Ancient, called him father, and, by 
 a large deduction of genealogies, made it plainly appear 
 that they were nearly related.* Then he humbly pro- 
 posed an exchange of armour, as a lasting mark of 
 hospitality between them. Virgil consented (for the 
 goddess Di£6idence came unseen, and cast a mist before 
 his eyes), though his was of gold, and cost a hundred 
 beeves, the other's but of rusty iron.* However, this 
 glittering armour became the Modem yet worse than his 
 own. Then they agreed to exchange horses ; but, when 
 it came to the trial, Dryden was afraid, and utterly 
 unable to mount. 
 
 Alter hiatus 
 in MS. 
 
 ' Alluding to the Preliminary Dissertations in Dryden's Virgil. — S. 
 • Vid. Homer. 
 
564 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 Lucan appeared upon a fiery horse of admirable shape, 
 but headstrong, bearing the rider where he list over the 
 field ; he made a mighty slaughter among the enemy's 
 horse ; which destruction to stop, Bl-ckm-re, a famous 
 Modern (but one of the mercenaries), strenuously op- 
 posed himseK, and darted a javelin with a strong hand, 
 which, faUing short of its mark, struck deep in the earth. 
 Then Lucan threw a lance ; but .^Esculapius came un- 
 seen, and turned off the point. ' Brave Modern,' said 
 Lucan, ' I perceive some god protects you,-' for never did 
 my arm so deceive me before ; but what mortal can 
 contend with a god ? Therefore, let us fight no longer, 
 but present gifts to each other.' Lucan then bestowed 
 the Modem a pair of spurs, and Bl-ckm-re gave Lucan 
 a bridle.^ ...... 
 
 Pauca de- 
 
 sunt. ... . . 
 
 Creech : but the goddess Dulness took a cloud, formed 
 into the shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and 
 placed in a flying posture before him. Glad was the 
 cavaUer to begin a combat with a flying foe, and pursued 
 the image, threatening loud, till at last it led him to the 
 peaceful bower of his father, Ogleby, by whom he was 
 disarmed, and assigned to his repose. 
 
 Then Pindar slew — , and — , and Oldham, and — , and 
 Afra the Amazon,* light of foot ; never advancing in 
 a direct liae, but wheeling with incredible agility and 
 force, he made a terrible slaughter among the enemy's 
 
 • His skill as a physician atoned for hia duhiess as a poet. — H. 
 
 • The respect with which Swift treats Blaokmore, in comparison to 
 his usage of Dryden, shows, as plainly as his own Ode to the Athenian 
 Society, that he was at this period incapable of estimating the higher 
 kinds of poetry. — S. 
 
 • Mrs. AphraBehn, author of many plays, novels, and poems. — H. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 665 
 
 light horse. Him when Cowley observed, his generous 
 heart burnt within him, and he advanced against the 
 fierce Ancient, imitating his address, and pace, and 
 career, as well as the vigour of his horse and his own 
 skill would allow. When the two cavaliers had approach- 
 ed within the length of three javelins, first Cowley threw 
 a lance, which missed Pindar, and, passing into the 
 enemy's ranks, fell inefEectual to the ground. Then 
 Pindar darted a javelin so large and weighty that scarce 
 a dozen cavaliers, as cavaliers are in our degenerate days, 
 could raise it from the ground ; yet he threw it with ease, 
 and it went, by an unerring hand, singing through the 
 air ; nor could the Modern have avoided present death, 
 if he had not luckily opposed the shield that had been 
 given him by Venus.-' And now both heroes drew their 
 swords ; but the Modern was so aghast and disordered, 
 that he knew not where he was ; his shield dropped from 
 his hands ; thrice he fled, and thrice he could not escape ; 
 at last he turned, and lifting up his hands in the posture 
 of a suppliant : ' Godlike Pindar,' said he, ' spare my 
 life, and possess my horse with these arms, besides the 
 ransom which my friends will give when they hear I am 
 alive, and your prisoner.' ' Dog ! ' said Pindar, ' let 
 your ransom stay with your friends ; but your carcass 
 shall be left for the fowls of the air and the beasts of the 
 field.' With that he raised his sword, and, with a 
 mighty stroke, cleft the wretched Modem in twain, the 
 sword pursuing the blow ; and one half lay panting on 
 the ground, to be trod in pieces by the horses' feet, the 
 other half was borne by the frighted steed through the 
 field. This Venus * took, washed it seven times in 
 ambrosia, then struck it thrice with a sprig of amaranth ; 
 
 ' His poem called Tlie Mistress. — H. 
 
 ' I do not approve the author's judgment in this, for I think 
 Oowley'« Pindarics are much preferable to his Mistress. 
 
566 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 upon which the leather grew round and soft, and the 
 leaves turned into feathers, and being gilded before, 
 continued gilded still ; so it became a dove, and she 
 harnessed it to her chariot. .... 
 
 Hiatus valde de- 
 flendus in MS. 
 
 Day being far spent, and the numerous forces of the 
 Modems half inclining to a retreat, there issued forth 
 from a squadron of their heavy-armed foot, a captain, 
 whose name was B-ntl-y, in person the most ^^^ Episode 
 deformed of aU the Moderns ; tall, but with- of B-ntl-y 
 out shape or comeliness ; large, but without *° ~ "' 
 strength or proportion. His armour was patched up of 
 a thousand incoherent pieces, and the sound of it, as he 
 marched, was loud and dry, like that made by the fall 
 of a sheet of lead, which an Etesian wind blows suddenly 
 down from the roof of some steeple. His helmet was of 
 old rusty iron, but the vizor was brass, which, tainted by 
 his breath, corrupted into copperas, nor wanted gall from 
 the same fountain ; so that, whenever provoked by anger 
 or labour, an atramentous quality, of most malignant 
 nature, was seen to distil from his lips. In his right hand 
 he grasped a flail, and (that he might never be unpro- 
 vided of an offensive weapon) a vessel full of ordure in 
 his left.-' Thus completely armed, he advanced with 
 a slow and heavy pace where the Modern chiefs were 
 holding a consult upon the sum of tilings ; who, as he 
 came onwards, laughed to behold his crooked leg and 
 hump shoulder, which his boot and armour, vainly en- 
 deavouring to hide, were forced to comply with and ex- 
 pose. The generals made use of him for his talent of 
 railing, which, kept within government, proved fre- 
 
 ' The person here spoken of is famous for letting fly at everybody 
 without distinction, and using mean and foul scurrilities. 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 667 
 
 quently of great service to their cause, but, at other 
 times, did more mischief than good ; for at the least 
 touch of offence, and often without any at all, he would, 
 like a wounded elephant, convert it against his leaders. 
 Such, at this juncture, was the disposition of B-ntl-y ; 
 grieved to see the enemy prevail, and dissatisfied with 
 everybody's conduct but his own. He humbly gave the 
 Modern generals to understand, that he conceived, 
 with great submission, they were all a pack of rogues, 
 and fools, and sons of whores, and d — d cowards, and 
 confounded loggerheads, and illiterate whelps, and non- 
 sensical scoundrels ; that if himself had been constituted 
 general, those presumptuous dogs,^ the Ancients, would, 
 long before this, have been beaten out of the field. 
 ' You,' said he, ' sit here idle ; but when I, or any other 
 valiant Modem, kill an enemy, you are sure to seize the 
 spoil. But I will not march one foot against the foe till 
 you all swear to me, that, whomever I take or kill, his 
 arms I shall quietly possess.' B-ntl-y having spoken 
 thus, Scaliger, bestowing him a sour look : ' Miscreant 
 prater ! ' said he, * eloquent only in thine own eyes, thou 
 raUest without wit, or truth, or discretion. The malignity 
 of thy temper perverteth nature, thy learning makes thee 
 more barbarous, thy study of humanity more inhuman ; 
 thy converse amongst poets, more grovelling, miry, and 
 dull. All arts of civilizing others render thee rude and 
 untractable ; courts have taught thee ill manners, and 
 polite conversation has finished thee a pedant. Besides, 
 a greater coward burdeneth not the army. But never 
 despond ; I pass my word, whatever spoil thou takest 
 shall certainly be thy own, though, I hope, that vile 
 carcass will first become a prey to kites and worms.' 
 
 B-ntl-y durst not reply, but, half choked with spleen 
 and rage, withdrew, in full resolution of performing 
 ' Vid. Homer, de Thersite, 
 
568 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 some great achievement. With him, for his aid and 
 companion, he took his beloved W-tt-n ; resolving, 
 by policy or surprise, to attempt some neglected quarter 
 of the Ancients' army. They began their march over 
 carcasses of their slaughtered friends ; then to the 
 right of their own forces ; then wheeled northward, 
 tUl they came to Aldrovandus's tomb, which they 
 passed on the side of the declining sun. And now they 
 arrived, with fear, towards the enemy's out-guards ; 
 looking about, if haply they might spy the quarters of 
 the wounded, or some straggling sleepers, imarmed, 
 and remote from the rest. As when two mongrel curs, 
 whom native greediness and domestic want provoke 
 and join in partnership, though fearful, nightly to 
 invade the folds of some rich grazier, they, with tails 
 depressed, and lolling tongues, creep soft and slow ; 
 meanwhile, the conscious moon, now in her zenith, 
 on their guilty heads darts perpendicular rays ; nor 
 dare they bark, though much provoked at her reful- 
 gent visage, whether seen in puddle by reflection, or 
 in sphere direct ; but one surveys the region round, 
 while t'other scouts the plain, it haply to discover, at 
 distance from the flock, some carcass half devoured, 
 the refuse of gorged wolves, or ominous ravens. So 
 marched this lovely, loving pair of friends, nor with 
 less fear and circumspection ; when, at distance, they 
 might perceive two shining suits of armour hanging 
 upon an oak, and the owners not far off in a profound 
 sleep. The two friends drew lots, and the pursuing 
 of this adventure fell to B-ntl-y ; on he went, and in 
 his van Confusion and Amaze, while Horror and Affright 
 brought up the rear. As he came near, behold two 
 heroes of the Ancients' army, Phalaris and ilisop, lay 
 fast asleep : B-ntl-y would fain have dispatched them 
 both, and, steaHng close, aimed his flail at Phalaris's 
 
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 669 
 
 breast. But then the goddess Affright interposing, 
 caught the Modern in her icy arms, and dragged him 
 from the danger she foresaw ; for both the dormant heroes 
 happened to turn at the same instant, though soundly 7 
 sleeping, and busy in a dream. For Phalaris^ was 
 just that minute dreaming how a most vile poetaster 
 had lampooned him, and how he had got him roaring 
 in his bull. And Mso-p dreamed that, as he and the 
 Ancient chiefs were lying on the ground, a wild ass 
 broke loose, ran about, trampling and kicking, and 
 dunging in their faces. B-ntl-y, leaving the two 
 heroes asleep, seized on both their armours, and with- 
 drew in quest of his darling W-tt-n. 
 
 He, in the meantime, had wandered long in search of 
 some enterprize, till at length he arrived at a small 
 rivulet, that issued from a fountain hard by, called, in 
 the language of mortal men. Helicon. Here he stopped, 
 and, parched with thirst, resolved to allay it in this 
 limpid stream. Thrice with profane hands he essayed 
 to raise the water to his lips, and thiioe it slipped all 
 through his fingers. Then he stooped prone on his 
 breast, but, ere his mouth had kissed the liquid crystal, 
 Apollo came, and in the channel held his shield betwixt 
 the Modern and the fountain, so that he drew up 
 nothing but mud. For, although no fountain on earth 
 can compare with the clearness of HeUcon, yet there lies 
 at bottom a thick sediment of slime and mud ; for so 
 Apollo begged of Jupiter, as a punishment to those 
 who durst attempt to taste it with unhallowed lips, and 
 for a lesson to all not to draw too deep or far from the ' 
 spring. 
 
 At the fountain-head W-tt-n discerned two heroes ; 
 the one he could not distinguish, but the other was 
 
 ' This is according to Homer, who tells the dreams of those who 
 were killed in their sleep. 
 
570 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 soon known for Temple, general of the allies to the 
 Ancients. His back was turned, and he was employed 
 in drinking large draughts in his helmet from the 
 fountain, where he had withdrawn himself to rest 
 from the toUs of the war. W-tt-n, observing him, 
 with quaking knees, and trembling hands, spoke thus 
 to himself : ' that I could kill this destroyer of our 
 army, what renown should I purchase among the chiefs 1 
 But to issue out against him,-' man for man, shield 
 against shield, and lance against lance, what Modem 
 of us dare ? For he fights like a god, and PaUas or 
 Apollo are ever at his elbow. But, O mother ! it what 
 Fame reports be true, that I am the son of so great a 
 goddess, grant me to hit Temple with this lance, that 
 the stroke may send him to hell, and that I may return 
 in safety and triumph, laden with his spoils.' The 
 first part of his prayer, the gods granted at the inter- 
 cession of his mother and of Momus ; but the rest by 
 a perverse wind sent from Fate was scattered in the 
 air. Then W-tt-n grasped his lance, and, brandishing 
 it thrice over his head, darted it with all his might, 
 the goddess, his mother, at the same time, adding 
 strength to his arm. Away the lance went hissing, 
 and reached even to the belt of the averted Ancient, 
 upon which lightly grazing, it fell to the ground. 
 Temple neither felt the weapon touch him, nor heard 
 it fall ; and W-tt-n might have escaped to his army, 
 with the honour of having remitted his lance against 
 BO great a leader, unrevenged ; but Apollo, enraged 
 that a javelin, flung by the assistance of so foul a 
 goddess, should pollute his fountain, put on the shape 
 
 of , and softly came to young Boyle, who then 
 
 accompanied Temple. He pointed first to the lance, 
 
 then to the distant Modern that flung it, and com- 
 
 ' Vid. Homer, 
 
THE BATTLE 0¥ THE BOOKS 571 
 
 manded the young hero to take immediate revenge.* 
 
 Boyle, clad in a suit of armour, which had been given 
 
 him by all the gods,^ immediately advanced against 
 
 the trembling foe, who now fled before him. As a 
 
 young lion in the Libyan plains or Araby desert, sent 
 
 by his aged sire to hunt for prey, or health, or exercise, 
 
 he scours along, wishing to meet some tiger from the 
 
 mountains, or a furious boar ; if chance, a wild ass, 
 
 with brajrings importune, affronts his ear, the generous 
 
 beast, though loathing to distaia his claws with blood 
 
 so vile, yet, much provoked at the offensive noise which 
 
 Echo, foolish nymph, like her ill-judging sex, repeats 
 
 much louder, and with more delight than Philomela's 
 
 song, he vindicates the honour of the forest, and hunts 
 
 the noisy long-eared animal. So W-tt-n fled, so Boyle 
 
 pursued. But W-tt-n, heavy-armed and slow of foot, 
 
 began to slack his course, when his lover, B-ntl-y, 
 
 appeared, returning l^den with the spoils of the two 
 
 sleeping Ancients. Boyle observed him well, and soon 
 
 discovering the helmet and shield of Phalaris, his 
 
 friend, both which he had lately with his own hands 
 
 new polished and gilded. Rage sparkled in his eyes, 
 
 and, leaving his pursuit after W-tt-n, he furiously 
 
 rushed on against this new approacher. Fain would 
 
 he be revenged on both ; but both now fled different 
 
 ways ; and, as a woman ' in a little house that gets 
 
 a painful livelihood by spinning,* if chance her geese 
 
 be scattered o'er the common, she courses round the 
 
 ' Boyle alleges in hia preface, as his principal reason for entering 
 into the controversy about Phalaris, his respect for Sir William 
 Temple, who had been coarsely treated by Bentley. — S. 
 
 • Boyle was assisted in this dispute by Dean Aldrich, Dr. Atterbury, 
 afterwards Bishop of Rochester, and other persons at Oxford, cele- 
 brated for their genius and their learning, then called the Christ- 
 Church wits. — H. • Vid. Homer. 
 
 * This is also after the manner of Homer ; the woman's getting 
 s painful livelihood by spinning, has nothing to do with the similitude, 
 nor would be excusable without such an authority. 
 
572 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS 
 
 plain from side to side, compelling here and there the 
 stragglers to the flock ; they cackle loud, and flutter 
 o'er the champaign. So Boyle pursued, so fled this 
 pair of friends : finding at length their flight was vain, 
 they bravely joined, and drew themselves in phalanx. 
 First B-ntl-y threw a spear with all his force, hoping 
 to pierce the enemy's breast ; but PaUas came unseen, 
 and in the air took o£E the point, and clapped on one 
 of lead, which, after a dead bang against the enemy's 
 shield, fell blunted to the ground. Then Boyle, observ- 
 ing well his time, took a lance of wondrous length 
 and sharpness ; and as this pair of friends compacted 
 stood close side to side, he wheeled him to the right, 
 and, with unusual force, darted the weapon. B-ntl-y 
 saw his fate approach, and flanking down his arms close 
 to his ribs, hoping to save his body, in went the point, 
 passing through arm and side, nor stopped or spent its 
 force, till it had also pierced the valiant W-tt-n, who, 
 going to sustain his dying friend, shared his fate.* As 
 when a skilful cook has trussed a brace of woodcocks, 
 he, with iron skewer, pierces the tender sides of both, 
 their legs and wings close pinioned to their ribs ; so was 
 this pair of friends transfixed, till down they fell, joined 
 in their lives, joined in their deaths, so closely joined that 
 Charon would mistake them both for one, and waft them 
 over Styx for half his fare. Farewell, beloved loving pair ! 
 Few equals have you left behind : and happy and immor- 
 tal shall you be, if all my wit and eloquence can make you. 
 And, now ...... 
 
 Desunt ccetera. 
 
 • Notwithstanding what is here stated, Wotton was treated with 
 much moie delicacy by Boyle, than was liis friend Bentley. — S. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
A 
 
 DISCOURSE 
 
 Concerning the 
 
 Mechanical Operation 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 SPIRIT. 
 
 IN A 
 
 LETTER 
 
 To a FRIEJ^T>. 
 
 A 
 
 FRAGMENT. 
 
 LONDON: 
 Printed in the Year, MDCCX. 
 
THE BOOKSELLERS ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 The following Discourse came into my hands perfect and 
 entire. But there being several things in it which the 
 present age would not very well hear, I kept it by me some 
 years, resolving it should never see the light. At length, by 
 the advice and assistance of a judicious friend, I retrenched 
 those parts that might give most offence, and have now 
 ventured to publish the remainder. Concerning the author 
 I am wholly ignorant, neither can I conjecture whether it 
 be the same with that of the two foregoing pieces, the original 
 having been sent me at a different time, and in a different 
 hand. The learned reader mil better determine, to whose 
 judgement I entirely submit it. 
 
A 
 DISCOURSE 
 
 CONCEENINQ THE 
 
 MECHANICAL OPERATION 
 
 OF THE 
 
 SPIRIT, ETC.i 
 
 For T, H. Esquire,^ at his Chambers in the Academy 
 of the Beaux Esprits in New Holland. 
 
 Sir, 
 It is now a good while since I have had in my head 
 something, not only very material, but absolutely 
 necessary to my health, that the world should be in- 
 formed in. For, to tell you a secret, I am able to contain 
 it no longer. However, I have been perplexed, for some 
 time, to resolve what would be the most proper form 
 to send it abroad in. To which end I have been three 
 days coursing through Westminster-Hall, and St. Paul's 
 Churchyard, and Fleet Street, to peruse titles ; and I do 
 not find any which holds so general a vogue, as that of 
 a Letter to a Friend : Nothing is more common than to 
 
 ■ This Discourse is not altogether equal to the two former, the best 
 parts of it being omitted ; whether the bookseller's account be true, 
 that he durst not print the rest, I know not ; nor indeed is it easy to 
 determine, whether he may be relied on in anything he says of this 
 or the former treatises, only as to the time they were writ in, which, 
 however, appears more from the discourses themselves than his 
 relation. 
 
 ' Supposed to be Colonel Hunter, for some time believed to be the 
 author of the Letter of Enthusiasm, mentioned in the Apology for the 
 Tale of a Tub.— H. 
 
576 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 meet with long epistles, addressed to persons and places, 
 where, at first thinking, one XTOuld be apt to imagine it 
 not altogether so necessary or convenient ; such as, 
 a neighbour at next door, a mortal enemy, a perfect stranger, 
 or a person of quality in the clouds ; and these upon 
 subjects, in appearance the least proper for conveyance 
 by the post, as long schemes in philosophy ; dark and 
 wonderfvl mysteries of state ; laborious dissertations in 
 criticism and philosophy ; advice to parliaments, and the 
 like. 
 
 Now, sir, to proceed after the method in present wear. 
 (For let me say what I will to the contrary, I am afraid 
 you will publish this letter, as soon as ever it comes to 
 your hands.) I desire you will be my witness to the 
 world how careless and sudden a scribble it has been ; 
 that it was but yesterday when you and I began acci- 
 dentally to fall into discourse on this matter : that I was 
 not very well when we parted ; that the post is in such 
 haste, I have had no manner of time to digest it into 
 order, or correct the style ; and if any other modem 
 excuses for haste and negligence shall occur to you in 
 reading, I beg you to insert them, faithfully promising 
 they shall be thankfully acknowledged. 
 
 Pray, sir, in your next letter to the Iroquois Virtuosi, 
 do me the favour to present my humble service to that 
 illustrious body, and assure them I shall send an account 
 of those phenomena, as soon as we can determine them 
 at Gresham. 
 
 I have not had a line from the Literati of Tobinambou 
 these three last ordinaries. 
 
 And now, sir, having dispatched what I had to say 
 of forms, or of business, let me entreat you will suffer me 
 to proceed upon my subject ; and to pardon me, if I 
 make no farther use of the epistolary style tUl I come to 
 conclude. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 577 
 
 SECTION I 
 
 'Tis recorded of Mahomot, that, upon a visit ho was 
 going to pay in Paradise, he had an oSor of several 
 veliieles to conduct him upwards ; as fiery chariots, 
 winged horses, and celestial sedans ; but he refused 
 them all, and would bo borne to Heaven upon nothing 
 but his ass. Now this inclination of Mahomet, as 
 singular as it seems, hath been since taken up by a great 
 number of devout Christians ; and doubtless, with very 
 good reason. For since that Arabian is known to have 
 borrowed a moiety of hi.s religious system from the 
 Christian faith ; it is but just he should pay reprisals to 
 such as would challenge them ; wherein the good people 
 of England, to do them all right, have not been backward. 
 For, though there is not any other nation in the world 
 so plentifully provided with carriages for that journey, 
 either as to safety or ease, yet tliore are abundance of us 
 who will not be satisfied with any other machine beside 
 this of Mahomet. 
 
 For my own part, I must confess to bear a very singular 
 respect to this animal, by whom I take human nature 
 to be most admirably hold forth in all its qualities as well 
 as operations : And therefore, whatever in my small 
 reading occurs, concerning this our fellow-creature, I do 
 never fail to set it down by way of common-place ; and 
 when I have occasion to write upon human reason, 
 politics, eloquence, or knowledge ; I lay my memor- 
 andums before me, and insert them with a wonderful 
 facility of application. However, among all the qualifi- 
 cations ascribed to this distinguished brute, by ancient 
 or modern authors ; I cannot remember this talent of 
 bearing his rider to Heaven, has been recorded for 
 a part of his character, except in the two examples 
 mentioned already ; therefore, I conceive the methods 
 
578 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 of this art to be a point of useful knowledge in very few 
 hands, and which the learned world would gladly be 
 better informed in. This is what I have undertaken to 
 perform in the following discourse. For, towards the 
 operation already mentioned, many peculiar properties 
 are required both in the rider and the ass ; which I shall 
 endeavour to set in as clear a light as I can. 
 
 But, because I am resolved, by all means, to avoid 
 giving offence to any party whatever, I will leave oS 
 discoursing so closely to the letter as I have hitherto 
 done, and go on for the future by way of allegory, though 
 in such a manner, that the judicious reader may, without 
 much straining, make his applications as often as he 
 shall think fit Therefore, if you please, from hence- 
 forward, instead of the term ass, we shall make use of 
 gifted or enlightened teacher ; and the word rider we 
 will exchange for that of fanatic auditory, or any other 
 denomination of the like imporb. Having settled this 
 weighty point ; the great subject of inquiry before us, 
 is to examine by what methods this teacher arrives at 
 his gifts, or spirit, or light ; and by what intercourse 
 between him and his assembly, it is cultivated and 
 supported. 
 
 In all my writings I have had constant regard to this 
 great end, not to suit and apply them to particular 
 occasions and circumstances of time, of place, or of 
 person, but to calculate them for universal nature and 
 mankind in general. And of such catholic use I esteem 
 this present disquisition ; for I do not remember any 
 other temper of body, or quality of mind, wherein all 
 nations and ages of the world have so unanimously 
 agreed, as that of a fanatic strain, or tincture of enthu- 
 siasm ; which, improved by certain persons or societies 
 of men, and by thom practised upon the rest, has been 
 able to produce revolutions of the greatest figure in 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 579 
 
 history ; as will soon appear to those who know anything 
 of Arabia, Persia, India, or China, of Morocco and Peru. 
 Farther, it has possessed as great a power in the king- 
 dom of knowledge, where it is hard to assign one art or 
 science which has not annexed to it some fanatic branch. 
 Such are, Th& Philosophers Stone, The Grand Elixir,^ The 
 Planetary Worlds, The Squaring of the Circle, The Sum- 
 mum Bonum, Utopian Commonwealths ; with some others 
 of less or subordinate note : which all serve for nothing 
 else, but to employ or amuse this grain of enthusiasm, 
 dealt into every composition. 
 
 But if this plant has found a root in the fields of 
 empire and of knowledge, it has fixed deeper, and spread 
 yet farther, upon holy ground. Wherein, though it hath 
 passed under the general name of enthusiasm, and per- 
 haps arisen from the same original, yet hath it produced 
 certain branches of a very different nature, however 
 often mistaken for each other. The word, in its univer- 
 sal acceptation, may be defined, a lif ting-up of the soul 
 or its faculties above matter. This description will hold 
 good in general : but I am only to understand it as 
 applied to religion ; wherein there are three general ways 
 of ejaculating the soul, or transporting it beyond the 
 sphere of matter. The first is the immediate act of God, 
 and is called prophecy or inspiration. The second is the 
 immediate act of the Devil, and is termed possession. The 
 third is the product of natural causes, the effect of strong 
 imagination, spleen, violent anger, fear, grief, pain, and 
 the like. These three have been abundantly treated on 
 by authors, and therefore shall not employ my enquiry. 
 But the fourth method of religious enthusiasm, or 
 launching out of the soul, as it is purely an effect of artifice 
 and mechanic operation, has been sparingly handled, or 
 not at all, by any writer ; because, though it is an art 
 • Some writers hold them for the same, others not. 
 
580 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 of great antiquity, yet, having been confined to fow 
 persons, it long wanted those advancements and rofine- 
 ments which it afterwards met with, since it has grown so 
 epidemick, and fallen into so many cultivating hands. 
 
 It is therefore upon this Mechanical Operation of the 
 Spirit that I mean to treat, as it is at present performed 
 by our British Workmen. I shall deliver to the reader 
 the result of many judicious observations upon the 
 matter ; tracing, as near as I can, the whole course and 
 method of this trade, producing parallel instances, and 
 relating certain discoveries that have luckily fallen in 
 my way. 
 
 I have said that there is one branch of religious 
 enthusiasm which is purely an effect of Nature ; whereas 
 the part I mean to handle is wholly an effect of art, 
 which, however, is inclined to work upon certain natures 
 and constitutions more than others. Besides, there is 
 many an operation which, in its original, was purely an 
 artifice, but through a long succession of ages hath grown 
 to be natural. Hippocrates tells us that among our 
 ancestors, the Scythians, there was a nation called 
 Long-Heads,^ which at first began, by a custom among 
 midwives and nurses, of moulding, and squeezing, and 
 bracing up the heads of infants ; by which means Nature, 
 shut out at one passage, was forced to seek another, and 
 finding room above, shot upwards in the form of a sugar- 
 loaf ; and, being diverted that way for some generations, 
 at last found it out of herself, needing no assistance from 
 the nurse's hand. This was the original of the Scythian 
 Long-heads, and thus did custom, from being a second 
 nature, proceed to bo a first. To all which there is 
 something very analogous among us of this nation, who 
 are the undoubted posterity of that refined people. For, 
 in the age of our fathers, there arose a generation of men 
 
 ' Macrooephiili. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 681 
 
 in this island, called Round-heads,^ whose race is now 
 spread over three kingdoms, yet, in its beginning, was 
 merely an operation of art, produced by a pair of scissors, 
 a squeeze of the face, and a black cap. These heads, thus 
 formed into a perfect sphere in all assemblies, were 
 most exposed to the view of the female sort, which did 
 influence their conceptions so effectually, that nature at 
 last took the hint and did it of herself ; so that a Round- 
 Head has been ever since as familiar a sight among us as a 
 Long-Head among the Scythians. 
 
 Upon these examples, and others easy to produce, I 
 desire the curious reader to distinguish, first, between an 
 effect grown from Art into Nature, and one that is 
 natural from its beginning ; secondly, between an effect 
 wholly natural, and one which has only a natural founda- 
 tion, but where the superstructure is entirely artificial. 
 For the first and the last of these, I understand to come 
 within the districts of my subject. And having obtained 
 these allowances, they will serve to remove any objec- 
 tions that may be raised hereafter against what I shall 
 advance. 
 
 The practitioners of this famous art proceed, in general, 
 upon the following fundamental : That the corruption 
 of the senses is the generation of the spirit : Because the 
 senses in men are so many avenues to the fort of reason, 
 which, in this operation, is wholly blocked up. All 
 endeavours must be therefore used, either to divert, bind 
 up, stupify, fluster, and amuse the senses, or else to 
 justle them out of their stations ; and, while they are 
 either absent, or otherwise employed, or engaged in a 
 civil war against each other, the spirit enters, and per- 
 forms its part. 
 
 ' The fanatics in the time of Charles I, ignorantly applying the 
 text, 'Ye know that it is a shame for men to hayo long hair,' out tlicirn 
 very short. — H. 
 
 IJ'i 
 
582 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 Now the usual methods of managing the senses upon 
 such conjunctures are what I shall be very particular in 
 delivering, as far as it is lawful for me to do ; but having 
 had the honour to be initiated into the mysteries of every 
 society, I desire to be excused from divulging any rites, 
 wherein the profane must have no part. 
 
 But here, bef orel can proceed farther, a very dangerous 
 objection must, if possible, be removed. For it is 
 positively denied by certain critics, that the spirit can, 
 by any means, be introduced into an assembly of modern 
 saints, the disparity being so great, in many material 
 circumstances, between the primitive way of inspiration 
 and that which is practised in the present age. This 
 they pretend to prove from the second chapter of the 
 Acts, where, comparing both, it appears, first, That the 
 apostles were gathered together with one accord in one place ; 
 by which is meant an universal agreement in opinion 
 and form of worship ; a harmony (say they) so far from 
 being found between any two conventicles among us, 
 that it is in vain to expect it between any two heads in 
 the same. Secondly, the spirit instructed the apostles in 
 the gift of speaking several languages, a knowledge so 
 remote from our dealers In this art, that they neither 
 understand propriety of words or phrases in their own. 
 Lastly (say these objectors), the modern artists do utterly 
 exclude all approaches of the spirit, and bar up its ancient 
 way of entering, by covering themselves so close and so 
 industriously a-top. For they will needs have it as 
 a point clearly gained, that the Cloven Tongues never 
 sat upon the apostles' heads while their hats were on. 
 
 Now, the force of these objections seems to consist in 
 the different acceptation of the word spirit : which, if 
 it be understood for a supernatural assistance, approach- 
 ing from without, the objectors have reason, and their 
 assertions may be allowed ; but the spirit we treat of 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 583 
 
 here proceeding entirely from within, the argument 
 of these adversaries is wholly eluded. And upon the 
 same account, our modern artificers find it an expedient 
 of absolute necessity, to cover their heads as close as 
 they can, in order to prevent perspiration, than which 
 nothing is observed to be a greater spender of Mochanick 
 Light, as we may, perhaps, farther shew in convenient 
 place. 
 
 To proceed therefore upon the phenomenon of Spiritual 
 MecJianism, it is here to be noted, that in forming and 
 working up the spirit, the assembly has a considerable 
 share as well as the preacher. The method of this 
 arcanum is as follows : — They violently strain their eye- 
 balls inward, half-closing the lids ; then, as they sit, 
 they are in a perpetual motion of see-saw, making long 
 hums at proper periods, and continuing the sound at 
 equal height, choosing their time in those intermissions, 
 while the preacher is at ebb. Neither is this practice, 
 in any part of it, so singular and improbable as not to 
 be traced in distant regions from reading and observa- 
 tion. For, first, the Jauguis,^ or enlightened saints of 
 India, see all their visions by help of an acquired strain- 
 ing and pressure of the eyes. Secondly, the art of see- 
 saw on a beam, and swinging by session upon a cord, 
 in order to raise artificial ecstasies, hath been derived 
 to us from our Scythian ^ ancestors, where it is practised 
 at this day among the women. Lastly, the whole pro- 
 ceeding, as I have here related it, is performed by the 
 natives of Ireland, with a considerable improvement ; 
 and it is granted, that this noble nation hath, of all 
 others, admitted fewer corruptions and degenerated 
 least from the purity of the old Tartars. Now it is usual 
 for a knot of Irish, men and women, to abstract them- 
 selves from matter, bind up all their senses, grow 
 ' Bomier, Mem. de Mogol. • Gnagnini Hist. Sarmat. 
 
584 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 visionary and spiritual, by influence of a short pipe of 
 tobacco, handed round the company, each preserving 
 the smoke in his mouth till it comes again to his turn to 
 take it in fresh : at the same time there is a concert 
 of a continued gentle hum, repeated and renewed by 
 instinct, as occasion requires, and they move their bodies 
 up and down, to a degree, that sometimes their heads 
 and points lie parallel to the horizon. Meanwhile you 
 may observe their eyes turned up, in the posture of one 
 who endeavours to keep himself awake ; by which, and 
 many other symptoms among them, it manifestly appears 
 that the reasoning faculties are all suspended and 
 superseded, that imagination hath usurped the scat, 
 scattering a thousand deliriums over the brain. Re- 
 turning from this digression, I shall describe the methods 
 by which the sj)irit approaches. The eyes being dis- 
 posed according to art, at first you can see nothing, 
 but, after a short pause, a small glimmering light begins 
 to appear, and dance before you. Then, by frequently 
 moving your body up and down, you perceive the 
 vapours to ascend very fast, till you are perfectly 
 dosed and flustered, like one who drinks too much in 
 a morning. Meanwhile the preacher is also at work ; 
 he begins a loud hum, which pierces you quite through ; 
 this is immediately returned by the audience, and you 
 find yourself prompted to imitate them, by a mere 
 spontaneous impulse, without knowing what you do. 
 The interstitia are duly filled up by the preacher, to 
 prevent too long a pause, under which the spirit would 
 soon faint and grow languid. 
 
 This is all I am allowed to discover about the pro- 
 gress of the spirit, with relation to that part which is 
 borne by the assembly ; but in the methods of the 
 
 sr to which I now proceed, I shall be more large 
 
 rticular. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 685 
 
 SECTION II 
 
 You will road it very gravely remarked in the books 
 of those illustrious and right eloquent penmen, the 
 modern travellers, that the fundamental difiorence in 
 point of religion, between the wild Indians and us, 
 lies in this ; that we worship God, and they worship 
 the devil. But there are certain critics who will by no 
 means admit of this distinction ; rather believing, that 
 all nations whatsoever adore the true God, because 
 they soem to intend their devotions to some invisible 
 power of greatest goodness and ability to help them, 
 which, perhaps, will take in the brightest attributes 
 ascribed to the divinity. Others, again, inform us, 
 that those idolaters adore two principles ; the principle 
 of good, and that of evil ; which, indeed, I am apt to 
 look upon as the most universal notion that mankind, 
 by the mere light of nature, ever entertained of things 
 invisible. How this idea hath been managed by the 
 Indians and us, and with what advantage to the under- 
 standings of either, may well deserve to be examined. 
 To mo the difference appears little more than this, 
 that they are put oftoner upon their knees by their 
 fears, and wo by our desires ; that the former set them 
 a-praying, and us a-cursing. What I applaud them for 
 is their discretion, in limiting their devotions and their 
 deities to their several districts, nor ever suffering the 
 liturgy of the white God to cross or interfere with that 
 of the black. Not so with us, who, pretending by the 
 lines and measures of our reason to extend the dominion 
 of one invisible power and contract that of the other, 
 have discovered a gross ignorance in the natures of 
 good and evil, and most horribly confounded the 
 frontiers of both. After men have lifted up the throne 
 of their divinity to the caelum empyroeum, adorned with 
 
586 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECnANICAL 
 
 all such qualities and accomplishments as themselves 
 seom most to value and possess : after they have sunk 
 their principle of evil to the lowest centre, bound him 
 with chains, loaded him with curses, furnished him 
 with viler dispositions than any rake-hell of the town, 
 accoutred him with tail and horns and huge claws and 
 saucer eyes : I laugh aloud to see these reasoners, at 
 the same time, engaged in wise dispute about certain 
 walks and purlieus, whether they are in the verge of 
 God or the devil, seriously debating, whether such and 
 such influences come into men's minds from above or 
 below, whether certain passions and affections are guided 
 by the evil spirit or the good : 
 
 Dum fas atque ncfas esiguo fine libidinum 
 Discornunt avidi. — 
 
 Thus do men establish a fellowship of Christ with Belial, 
 and such is the analogy they make between Cloven 
 Tongues and Cloven Feet. Of the like nature is the 
 disquisition before us : It hath continued these hundred 
 years an even debate, whether the deportment and the 
 cant of our English enthusiastic preachers were pos- 
 session or inspiration, and a world of argument has 
 been drained on either side, perhaps to little purpose. 
 For, I think, it is in life as in tragedy, where it is held 
 a conviction of groat defect, both in order and inven- 
 tion, to interpose the assistance of preternatural power, 
 without an absolute and last necessity. However, it 
 is a sketch of human vanity, far every individual to 
 imagine the whole universe is interested in his meanest 
 concern. If he hath got cleanly over a kennel, some 
 angel unseen descended on purpose to help him by the 
 hand ; if he hath knocked his head against a post, it 
 was the devil, for his sins, let loose from hell on purpose 
 to buffet him. Who, that sees a little paltry mortal, 
 
OPERATION OP THE SPIRIT 587 
 
 droning, and dreaming, and drivelling to a multitude, 
 can think it agreeable to common good sense, that 
 either Heaven or Hell should be put to the trouble of 
 influence or inspection upon what he is about ? There- 
 fore I am resolved immediately to weed this error out 
 of mankind, by making it clear that this mystery of 
 vending spiritual gifts is nothing but a trade, acquired 
 by as much instruction, and mastered by equal prac- 
 tice and application, as others are. This will best 
 appear by describing and deducing the whole process 
 of the operation, as variously as it hath fallen under 
 my knowledge or experience. 
 
 Here the whole scheme of 
 spiritual mechanism was de- 
 duced and explained, with 
 an appearance of great read- 
 ing and observation ; but it 
 was thought neither safe nor 
 convenient to print it. 
 
 Here it may not be amiss to add a few words upon 
 the laudable practice of wearing quiltod caps ; which 
 is not a matter of more custom, humour, or fashion, as 
 some would pretend, but an institution of great sagacity 
 and use ; these, when moistened with sweat, stop all 
 perspiration, and by reverberating the heat, prevent 
 the spirit from evaporating any way, but at the mouth ; 
 even as a skilful house-wife, that covers her still with 
 a wet clout, for the same reason, and finds the same 
 effect. For it is the opinion of choice virtuosi, that the 
 brain is only a crowd of little animals, but with teeth 
 and claws extremely sharp, and therefore, cling together 
 
588 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 in the contexture we behold, like the picture of Hobbes'a 
 Leviathan, or like bees in perpendicular swarm upon 
 a tree, or like a carrion corrupted into vermin, still 
 preserving the shape and figure of the mother animal. 
 That all invention is formed by the morsure of two or 
 more of these animals, upon certain capillary nerves, 
 which proceed from thence, whereof three branches 
 spread into the tongue, and two into the right hand. 
 They hold also that these animals are of a constitution 
 extremely cold ; that their food is the air we attract, 
 their excrement phlegm ; and that what we vulgarly 
 call rheums, and colds, and distillations, is nothing else 
 but an epidemical looseness, to which that little com- 
 monwealth is very subject, from the climate it lies 
 under. Farther, that nothing less than a violent heat 
 can disentangle these creatures from their hamated 
 station of life, or give them vigour and humour, to 
 imprint the marks of their little teeth. That if the 
 morsure be hexagonal, it produces poetry ; the circular 
 gives eloquence ; if the bite hath been conical, the 
 person, whose nerve is so affected, shall be disposed to 
 write upon the politics ; and so of the rest. 
 
 I shall now discourse briefly, by what kind of prac- 
 tices the voice is best governed, towards the composition 
 and improvement of the spirit ; for without a competent 
 skill in tuning and toning each word, and syllable, and 
 letter, to their due cadence, the whole operation is 
 incomplete, misses entirely of its effect on the hearers, 
 and puts the workman himself to continual pains for 
 new supplies, without success. For it is to be under- 
 stood, that, in the language of the spirit, cant and 
 droning supply the place of sense and reason, in the 
 language of men : because, in spiritual harangues, the 
 disposition of the words according to the art of grammar 
 hath not the least use, but the skill and influence wholly 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 589 
 
 lie in the choice and cadence of the syllables ; even 
 as a discreet composer, who, in setting a song, changes 
 the words and order so often that he is forced to make 
 it nonsense before he cap make it music. For this 
 reason, it hath been held by some that the Art of 
 Canting is ever in greatest perfection, when managed 
 by ignorance ; which is thought to be enigmatically 
 meant by Plutarch, when he tells us, that the best 
 musical instruments were made from the bones of an 
 ass. And the profounder critics upon that passage 
 are of opinion, the word, in its genuine signification, 
 moans no other than a jaw-bone ; though some rather 
 think it to have been the oa sacrum : but in so nice a 
 case I shall not take upon me to decide ; the curious 
 are at liberty to pick from it whatever they please. 
 
 The first ingredient towards the Art of Canting is a 
 competent share of inward light ; that is to say, a 
 large memory, plentifully fraught with theological 
 polysyllables, and mysterious texts from holy writ, 
 applied and digested by those methods and mechanical 
 operations, already related : the bearers of this light 
 resembling lanthorns compact of leaves from old Geneva 
 Bibles ; which invention. Sir H-mphrey Edw-n,* 
 during his mayoralty, of happy memory, highly ap- 
 proved and advanced ; affirming the Scripture to be 
 now fulfilled, whore it says : Thy word is a lanthorn to 
 my feet, and a light to my patJis. 
 
 Now, the Art of Canting consists in sldlfully adapting 
 the voice to whatever words the spirit delivers, that 
 each may strike the ears of the audience with its most 
 significant cadence. The force or energy of this elo- 
 quence, is not to be found, as among ancient orators, 
 
 ' A Presbyterian, who, ascending to the dignity of Lord Mayor oj 
 London, went in his official character to a mecting-houso. — S. [See 
 p. 522.] 
 
690 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 in the disposition of words to a sentence, or the turning 
 of long periods ; but, agreeable to the modern refine- 
 ments in music, is taken up wholly in dwelling and 
 dilating upon syllables and letters. Thus, it is frequent 
 for a single vowel to draw sighs from a multitude ; 
 and for a whole assembly of saints to sob to the music 
 of one solitary liquid. But these are trifles ; when 
 even sounds inarticulate are observed to produce as 
 forcible effects. A master workman shall blow his 
 nose so powerfully as to pierce the hearts of his people, 
 who are disposed to receive the excrements of his brain 
 with the same reverence as the issue of it. Hawking, 
 spitting, and belching, the defects of other men's rhetoric, 
 are the flowers, and figures, and ornaments of his. For, 
 the spirit being the same in all, it is of no import through 
 what vehicle it is conveyed. 
 
 It is a point of too much difficulty to draw the prin- 
 ciples of this famous art within the compass of certain 
 adequate rules. However, perhaps I may one day 
 oblige the world with my Critical Essay upon the Art 
 of Canting ; philosopJiically, physically, and musically 
 considered. 
 
 But, among all improvements of the spirit, wherein 
 the voice hath borne a part, there is none to be com- 
 pared with that of conveying the sound through the nose, 
 which, under the denomination of snuffling,^ hath passed 
 with so great applause in the world. The originals of 
 this institution are very dark ; but, having been initi- 
 ated into the mystery of it, and leave being given me 
 to publish it to the world, I shall deliver as direct a 
 relation as I can. 
 
 This art, like many other famous inventions, owed 
 
 « 
 
 ' The snuffling ol men who have lost their noses by lewd courses, 
 is said to havu given rise to that tone, which our Dissenters did too 
 much affect, — W. Wotion. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 591 
 
 its birth, or at least improvement and perfection, to 
 an effect of chance, but was established upon solid 
 reasons, and hath flourished in this island ever since 
 with great lustre. All agree that it first appeared upon 
 the decay and discouragement of bagpipes, which having 
 long suffered under the mortal hatred of the brethren, 
 tottered for a time, and at last fell with monarchy. 
 The story is thus related. 
 
 As yet snuffling was not ; when the following adven- 
 ture happened to a Banbury saint. Upon a certain 
 day, while he was far engaged among the tabernacles 
 of the wicked, he felt the outward man put into odd 
 commotions, and strangely pricked forward by the 
 inward ; an effect very usual among the modern in- 
 spired. For some think that the spirit is apt to feed 
 on the flesh, like hungry wines upon raw beef. Others 
 rather believe there is a perpetual game at leap-frog 
 between both ; and sometimes the flesh is uppermost, 
 and sometimes the spirit, adding, that the former, 
 while it is in the state of a rider, wears huge Rippon 
 spurs, and when it comes to the turn of being bearer, 
 ia wonderfully headstrong and hardmotithed. How- 
 ever it came about, the saint felt his vessel full extended 
 in every part (a very natural effect of strong inspira- 
 tion) ; and the place and time falling out so unluckily 
 that he could not have the convenience of evacuating 
 upwards, by repetition, prayer, or lecture, he was 
 forced to open an inferior vent. In short, he wrestled 
 with the flesh so long, that he at length subdued it, 
 coming off with honourable wounds, all before. The 
 surgeon had now cured the parts primarily affected ; 
 but the disease, driven from its post, flew up into his 
 head ; and, as a skilful general, valiantly attacked 
 In his trenches and beaten from the field, by flying 
 marches withdraws to the capital city, breaking down 
 
592 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 the bridges to prevent pursuit ; so the disease, repelled 
 from its first station, fled before the Rod of Hermes 
 to the upper region, there fortifying itself ; but, finding 
 the foe making attacks at the nose, broke down the 
 bridge, and retired to the head-quarters. Now, the 
 naturalists observe, that there is in human noses an 
 idiosyncracy, by virtue of which, the more the passage 
 is obstructed, the more our speech delights to go through, 
 as the music of a flageolet is made by the stops. By 
 this method, the twang of the nose becomes perfectly 
 to resemble the snufile of a bagpipe, and is found to 
 be equally attractive of British ears ; whereof the 
 saint had sudden experience, by practising his new 
 faculty with wonderful success in the operation of the 
 spirit : for, in a short time, no doctrine passed for 
 sound and orthodox, unless it were delivered through 
 the nose. Straight, every pastor copied after this 
 original, and those who could not otherwise arrive to 
 a perfection, spirited by a noble zeal, made use of the 
 same experiment to acquire it. So that, I think, it 
 may be truly affirmed, the saints owe their empire to 
 the snuffling of one animal, as Darius did his to the 
 neighing of another, and both stratagems were per- 
 formed by the same art ; for we read how the Persian 
 beast acquired his faculty by covering a mare the day 
 before.* 
 
 I should now have done, if I were not convinced, that 
 whatever I have yet advanced upon this subject is liable 
 to great exception. For, allowing all I have said to be 
 true, it may still be justly objected, that there is, in the 
 commonwealth of artificial enthusiasm, some real 
 foundation for art to work upon in the temper and com- 
 plexion of individuals, which other mortals seem to 
 want. Observe but the gesture, the motion, and the 
 ' Horodot. 
 
OPERATION OP THE SPIRIT 693 
 
 countenance, of some choice professors, though in their 
 most familiar actions, you will find them of a different 
 race from the rest of human creatures. Remark your 
 commonest pretender to a light within, how dark and 
 dirty and gloomy ho is without ; as lanthorns, which, 
 the more light thoy boar in thoir bodies, cast out so 
 much the more soot and smoke and fuliginous matter 
 to adhere to the sides. Listen but to their ordinary 
 talk, and look on the mouth that delivers it ; you will 
 imagine you are hearing some ancient oracle, and your 
 understanding will be equally informed. Upon these, 
 and the like reasons, certain objectors pretend to put 
 it beyond all doubt, that there must be a sort of preter- 
 natural spirit possessing the heads of the modern saints ; 
 and some will have it to be the heat of zeal working 
 upon the dregs of ignorance, as other spirits are pro- 
 duced from loos by the force of fire. Some again think, 
 that, when our earthly tabernacles are disordered and 
 desolate, shaken and out of repair, tho spirit delights 
 to dwell within them, as houses are said to be haunted, 
 when they are forsaken and gone to decay. 
 
 To set this matter in as fair a light as possible, I shall 
 hero very briefly deduce the history of Fanaticism from 
 the most early ages to the present. And if we are able 
 to fix upon any one material or fundamental point, 
 wherein the chief professors have universally agreed, 
 I think we may reasonably lay hold on that, and assign 
 it for the great seed or principle of the spirit. 
 
 The most early traces we meet with of fanatics in 
 ancient story are among the Egjrptians, who instituted 
 those rites, known in Greece by tho names of Orgia, 
 Panegyres, and Dionysia, whether introduced there by 
 Orpheus and Molampus we shall not dispute at present, 
 nor in all likelihood at any time for the future.* These 
 • Diod. Sic. L. 1. Plat, de Iside et Osirido, 
 
594 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 feasts were celebrated to the honour of Osiris, whom 
 the Grecians called Dionysus, and is the same with 
 Bacchus j which has betrayed some superficial readers 
 to imagine, that the whole business was nothing more 
 than a set of roaring, scouring companions, overcharged 
 with wine ; but this is a scandalous mistake foisted 
 on the world by a sort of modern authors, who have 
 too literal an understanding ; and, because antiquity 
 is to be traced backwards, do therefore, like Jews, 
 begin their books at the wrong end, as if learning were 
 a sort of conjuring. These are the men who pretend to 
 understand a book by scouting through the index, as 
 if a traveller should go about to describe a palace, when 
 he had seen nothing but the privy ; or like certain 
 fortune-tellers in Northern America, who have a way 
 of reading a man's destiny by peeping in his breech. 
 For, at the time of instituting these mysteries, there 
 was not one vine in all Egypt,* the natives drinking 
 nothing but ale ; which liquor seems to have been far 
 more ancient than wine, and has the honour of owing 
 its invention and progress, not only to the Egyptian 
 Osiris,^ but to the Grecian Bacchus, who, in their 
 famous expedition, carried the receipt of it along with 
 them, and gave it to the nations they visited or subdued. 
 Besides, Bacchus himself was very seldom, or never, 
 drunk ; for it is recorded of him, that he was the first 
 inventor of the mitre,^ which he wore continually on 
 his head (as the whole company of bacchanals did) to 
 prevent vapours and the headache after hard drinking. 
 And for this reason (say some) the Scarlet Whore, 
 when she makes the kings of the earth drunk with her 
 cup of abomination, is always sober herself, though she 
 never balks the glass in her turn, being, it seems, kept 
 
 > Herod. L. 2. • Diod. Sio. L. 1 and 3. ' Id. L. 4. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 595 
 
 upon her legs by the virLue of her triple mitre. Now 
 these feasts were instituted in imitation of the famous 
 expedition Osiris made through the world, and of the 
 company that attended him, whereof the bacchanalian 
 ceremonies were so many types and symbols. From 
 which account ^ it is manifest, that the fanatic rites of 
 these bacchanals cannot be imputed to intoxications by 
 wine, but must needs have had a deeper foundation. 
 What this was, we may gather large hints from certain 
 circumstances in the course of their mysteries. For, 
 in the first place, there was, in their processions, an 
 entire mixture and confusion of sexes ; they affected 
 to ramble about hills and deserts ; their garlands 
 were of ivy and vine, emblems of cleaving and clinging, 
 or of fir, the parent of turpentine. It is added that 
 they imitated satyrs, were attended by goats, and rode 
 upon asses, all companions of great skill and practice 
 in aSairs of gallantry. They bore for their ensigns 
 certain curious figures, perched upon long poles, made 
 into the shape and size of the virga genitalis, with its 
 appurtenances, which were so many shadows and 
 emblems of the whole mystery, as well as trophies set 
 up by the female conquerors. Lastly, in a certain 
 town of Attica, the whole solemnity stripped of all its 
 types,* was performed in puris naturalibus, the votaries 
 not flying in coveys, but sorted into couples. The same 
 may be farther conjectured from the death of Orpheus, 
 one of the institutors of these mysteries, who was torn 
 in pieces by women, because he refused to communi- 
 cate his orgies to them ; ' which others explained by 
 telling us he had castrated himself upon grief for the 
 loss of his wife. 
 
 ' See the particulars in Diod. Sic. L. 1 ot 3. 
 
 * Dionysia Brauronia. 
 
 ' Vide Photium in excerptis 6 Conone. 
 
696 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 Omitting many others of less note, the next fanatics 
 we meet with, of any eminence, were the numerous 
 sects of heretics appearing in the five first centuries 
 of the Christian era, from Simon Magus and his followers 
 to those of Eutyches. I have collected their systems 
 from infinite reading, and, comparing them with those 
 of their successors, in the several ages since, I find there 
 are certain bounds set even to the irregularities of 
 human thought, and those a great deal narrower than 
 is commonly apprehended. For, as they all frequently 
 interfere, even in their wildest ravings, so there is 
 one fundamental point, wherein they are sure to meet, 
 as lines in a centre, and that is, the Community of 
 Women. Great were their solicitudes in this matter, 
 and they never failed of certain articles in their schemes 
 of worship, on purpose to establish it. 
 
 The last fanatics of note were those which started 
 up in Germany, a little after the reformation of Luther, 
 springing as mushrooms do at the end of a harvest ; 
 such were John of Leyden, David George, Adam 
 Neuster,*- and many others ; whose visions and revela- 
 tions always terminated in leading about half a dozen 
 sisters a-pieco, and making that practice a fundamental 
 part of their system. For human life is a continual 
 navigation, and if we expect our vessels to pass with 
 safety through the waves and tempests of this fiuctuat- 
 ing world, it is necessary to make a good provision of 
 
 ' John of Leyden is well known a3 the leader of those enthusiastic 
 Anabaptists who seized the city of Munster, in 1533, and made it for 
 many months a scene of cruelty, blasphemy, and extravagance. 
 Neuster or Nestorius was head of a sect who also baptized adults, 
 and expected a reign of the saints upon earth. David George was 
 founder of the heretics called Familists; he assumed the title and 
 prerogatives of the true IMessias. Most of these heretics added gross 
 debauchery to their enthusiasm, and some of thom would not allow 
 their female disciples to be clothed, because they said they were the 
 Naked Truth.— S. 
 
OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 597 
 
 the (losh, as soamen lay in store of beef for a long 
 voyage. 
 
 Now from this brief survey of some principal sects 
 among the fanatics in all ages (having omitted the 
 Mahometans and others, who might also help to con- 
 firm the argument I am about) to which I might add 
 several among ourselves, such as the Family of Love, 
 Sweet Singers of Israel, and the like : and from reflect- 
 ing upon that fundamental point in their doctrines 
 about women, wherein they have so unanimously 
 agreed ; I am apt to imagine, that the seed or principle 
 which has ever put men upon visions in things in- 
 visible, is of a corporeal nature ; for the profounder 
 chemists inform us, that the strongest spirits may be 
 extracted from human flesh. Besides, the spinal 
 marrow, being nothing else but a continuation of the 
 brain, must needs create a very free communication 
 between the superior faculties and those below : and 
 thus the thorn in the, flesh serves for a spur to the spirit. 
 I think, it is agreed among physicians, that nothing 
 affects the head so much as a tentiginous humour, 
 repelled and elated to the upper region, found, by daily 
 practice, to run frequently up into madness. A very 
 eminent member of the faculty assured me, that, when 
 the Quakers first appeared, he seldom was without 
 
 some female patients among them for the furor . 
 
 Persons of a visionary devotion, either men or women, 
 are, in their complexion, of all others the most amorous ; 
 for zeal is frequently kindled from the same spark with 
 other fires, and, from inflaming brotherly love, will 
 proceed to raise that of a gallant. If we inspect into 
 the usual process of modern courtship, we shall find if 
 to consist in a devout turn of the eyes, called ogling ; 
 an artificial form of canting and whining by rote, every 
 interval, for want of other matter, made up with a 
 
398 A DISCOURSE ON THE MECHANICAL 
 
 shrug or a hum, a sigh or a groan ; the style compact 
 of insignificant words, incoherences, and repetition. 
 These I take to be the most accomplished rules of 
 address to a mistress ; and where are those performed 
 with more dexterity than by the saints ? Nay, to 
 bring this argument yet closer, I have been informed by 
 certain sanguine brethren of the first class, that, in 
 the height and orgasmus of their spiritual exercise, it 
 has been frequent with them . . . ; immediately after 
 which, they found the spirit to relax and flag of a sudden 
 with the nerves, and they were forced to hasten to a 
 conclusion. This may be farther strengthened, by 
 observing, with wonder, how unaccountably all females 
 are attracted by visionary or enthusiastic preachers, 
 though never so contemptible in their outward men ; 
 which is usually supposed to be done upon considera- 
 tions purely spiritual, without any carnal regards at 
 all. But I have reason to think, the sex hath certain 
 characteristics, by which they form a truer judgment 
 of human abilities and performings than we ourselves 
 can possibly do of each other. Let that be as it will, 
 thus much is certain, that, however spiritual intrigues 
 begin, they generally conclude like all others ; they 
 may branch upwards towards heaven, but the root is 
 in the earth. Too intense a contemplation is not the 
 business of flesh and blood ; it must, by the necessary 
 course of things, in a little time let go its hold, and 
 fall into matter. Lovers for the sake of celestial con- 
 verse are but another sort of Platonics, who pretend to 
 see stars and heaven in ladies' eyes, and to look or 
 tWnk no lower ; but the same pit is provided for both ; 
 and they seem a perfect moral to the story of that 
 philosopher, who, while his thoughts and eyes were 
 fixed upon the constellations, found himself seduced 
 by his lower parts into a ditch. 
 
OPERATION OP THE SPIRIT 599 
 
 1 had somewhat more to say upon this part of the 
 subject, but the post is just going, which forces me in 
 great haste to conclude, 
 
 Sir, 
 
 Yours, &o. 
 
 Pray hum this letter as soon 
 as it oomes to your handa. 
 
PEINn-D IN 
 
 GREAT BRITAIN 
 
 AT THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY PRESS 
 
 OXFORD 
 
 BY 
 
 CHARLES BATEY 
 
 PRINTER 
 
 TO THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY