1 : ! :■•;['"■ :--i y .-,;.•., QJntnell Iniueraitg IGibraty ^.tliaca, 5Jem Ifnrh THE JAMES VERNER SCAIFE COLLECTION CIVIL WAR LITERATURE THE GIFT OF JAMES VERNER SCAIFE CLASS OF 1889 1919 ' The date shows when this volume was taken. To renew this book'bony ttije call No. and give to the librarian. i HOME USE RULES I . . All Books subject to recall | All borrowers must regis- -. ter in the library to borrow books for home use. All books ' must be re- turned at end of college year for inspection and repairs. Limited books must be returned within the four wsek limit and. not renewed. Students must return all books before leaving town. Officers should arrange for ,# „ the return of books wanted during their absence* from : - *-"_, .- ■-- town. Volumes'" of periodicals and of pamphlets are held in the library as much, as possible. For special pur- poses they are given out for a limited time, * Borrowers Should not use their library privileges for •■•'■-■-■- the benefit of other persons, _ M ' Books of special, value ' and gift books, when the ,.. ( . giver wiehesf it, are hot allowed to circulate. ' "" Readers are asked to. re- port all cases of books marked or, mutilated. Do not deface books by marks and writing. \y E565 .H65° rne " ""'^ Ub ' ary olin 3 1924 030 922 565 Cornell University Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924030922565 MACPHERSON, THE GBEAT CONFEDERATE PHILOSOPHER AND SOUTHERN BLOWER. 0»'. HIS PHILOSOPHY, HIS CAEEEE AS"A. WABEIOE, TKAVELiErEEi CLEEGYMAN, POET, AND IJSWSPAFEB PUBHSHjEEl HIS DEATH, EESTXSCITATION, AND OTB'SEQUENf ELECTION TO THE OFFICE OF GOVERNOR OP LOUISIANA. BY ALFRED C. HILLS, EDITOR OF' THE »t¥ O^LBA.WS ERA, NEW^TOEK: PUBLISHED BY JAMES MILLER, (SUCCESSOR TO 0. 3. E SNA N IS ' & CO.,}, 522 BROADWAY. MDOOOLXIT. LI Entered according to Act of Congress, ta the year lS64 t By JAMES MIXLEK, - In ihe Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States lor the Southern District of New York. TO MAJOR-GENERAL NATHANIEL P. BASKS, COMMANDER OP THE BIEAlilllEKf OI'TH'l! ODL|\ the soldi.eh and statesman, ho; .'by his own laboe anbvghlrtus, raised himself from the obscure and humble walks of ijfe. to adorn some of the most jtoxoeable civil and. military positions; anb "WHO, GUIDED BY THE SAME SPffilT OF UNSUR- passed' perseverance, planted ig^e! FLAGS W HIS COUNTRY ON PORT HUDSON, BORE IT IN TRIUMPH THROUGH WESTERN LOUISIANA, AND UP, THE RIO GRANDE, arjjfs Valume, BY PERMISSION, IS INSCRIBED, BY .HIS Sincere admirer and grateful friend, THE AUTHOR. PREFACE The "Macpherson Letters" wera published in the New Orleans Eea during the past year. Their unex- pected, and, perhaps, undeserved popularity in the BiS&BSsrasty and a very general desire on the part of the author's friends to see them in a book, are his reasons for publishing them. His observations in New Or- leans led him to believe that ridicule was the most po- tent weapon that could be employed against the absurd Opinions and prejudices of that portion of the people of the Southwest who sympathised with the rebellion. He had, at least, the gratification of knowing that they were very generally read, not only in the army and navy, but by the people, many of whom believed, for some time, that " Macpherson" was an actual citizen of Madisonville, and a genuine correspondent of the Eea. The blind prejudices, the profound political igno- rance, the strong passions and boundless credulity of the rebels. in New Orleans, must appear incredible to those who have always lived in a free community, PEEFACE. where freedom of speech is tolerated, and where uni- versal education renders every one more or less familiar with passing events and the topics of the times. But those who have freely mingled with that class of Loui- sianians who still cling to the faith of Jeff. Davis, will not he surprised to learn that Maepherson's philosophy was so much in accordance with theirs, and that his exaggerated style of speech was so faithful a copy of secession bombast, that the " great Confederate Philos- opher" was, for some weeks, quite a favorite with the hot-headed rebels of the Crescent City. Many of the incidents which the author attempted; to ridicule in- these " Letters," were too local in their character to be understood by a reader not familiar with the facts. So far as practicable, these parts have been omitted in this publication, and such explanatory notes have been prefixed to each chapter, as seemed ne- cessary to give the general reader an understanding of its import. The author will state that when he commenced the publication of these letters, he had no expectation of writing but one ; and Jto that he signed the first name that occurred to him, without reflection. He was not then aware that an officer named James B. McPherson held a commission in the United States Army, — an ig- norance due, probably, to the fact that for many PREFACE. 7 ; Alpntns the author was in service where newspapers seldom reached him. ,But the officer in question, by his gallant conduct on many hard-fought fields,; has made a national reputation for skilful and daring gen- eralship, and his name is as familiar as household words to all who have read the story of Vicksburg, and of the various movements of the noble army of General Grant. A. 0. H. 2few Oeleahs, La., January, 1864. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE Free Trade with the Rebels . 13 CHAPTER n. Mr. Macpherson hath. Hopes for his Idiotic Boy. — He declareth himself to be a good Union Man. — Correspondence, and the Way to send it.— The True Plan of Conciliation, etc. 16 CHAPTER in. The Great Secession Demonstration in New Orleans, as described by Louis T. Wigfall Macpherson 19 CHAPTER IV. Macpherson takes the Oath of Allegiance. — A Letter from Jeff. Davis. — A. Good Confederate Lady with Yankee Boarders. — A Gross Insult to the Confederacy, etc., etc 8$' CHAPTER V. Macpherson, Journeying to Madisonfille, sees the Great Confed- erate Cross in the Heavens. — He is seized by Arizonian Gue- rillas, and taken to the Place of Execution. — His Escape from Death etc. . . . < . 34 CHAPTER VL A Full Account of the Great Macpherson, Festival at the House of the NoWo. Woman, in New Orleans. : ....... . 45 1* 10 CONTENTS. CHAPTER VII. PAGE Macpherson, setting up as a Confederate Philosopher, explains the Distinction of Races to his Idiotic Boy— Advent, History, and Adventures of the Unhappy Cuss— Macpherson captured by Duryea's Zouaves. — Interview with the " Southern Source," etc., etc 55 CHAPTER VIII. The Great Charity Pair ■ • • 66 CHAPTER IX. The Confederate Arithmetic ^ . . * 81 CHAPTER X. Hymn of Salvation 84 CHAPTER XI. Macpherson dedicates himself to War and Larceny. — He encoun- ters the Honest Jew 85 CHAPTER XH. The Qreat Confederate Traveller describes his Journey through the Louisiana Lowlands Low 91 CHAPTER Xni. Macpherson appearB as a Clergyman, and expounds the Confed- erate Gospel. — He encounters the Weeping Orphan, and unex- pectedly finds a Large Family on his hands. — He preaches from the Text : " Blow ye I" etc., etc 103 CHAPTER XIV. Macpherson as a Military Chieftain. — He is appointed a Major General of Confederate Volunteers.— -He issues a Proclamation, raises an Army, and wins two Battles in a single Day, etc., etc. 118 CONTENTS. 11 CHAPTER XV. PAGE Macpherson encounters and shoots a. Midnight Assassin. — He conscripts Negroes, and addresses them in a manner calculated to arouse their Zeal in the Confederate Causo. — He appoints his Staff, etc., etc «. 125 CHAPTER XVI. The Registered Enemies of the United States leave the Depart- ment of the Gulf. — General Macpherson superintends their Departure.— He " Gobbles" them as soon as they arrive in his Dominions. — He unexpectedly meets the Honest Jew, etc., etc. 132 CHAPTER XVn. An Account of "the Death of James B. Macpherson, the Great Confederate Philosopher, Warrior, Author, and Southern Blower 143 CHAPTER XVIII. TheStesuscitarion of Macpherson- — It is Discovered that he was not Dead, only Dead Drunk.— His Method of Paying Debts. — He makes the Acquaintance of the Reliable Gentleman, etc., etc.... \\ . ...149 CHAPTER XIX. Macpherson encounters the Cussed Pool of Carondelet street.— , Betting on Vicksburg and Port Hudson. — Fourth of July Cel- ebration at Madisonville, etc., etc" 160 CHAPTER XX. The Phantom Confederate ; or, the Ghost of Madisonville. (A True Story) 168 CHAPTER XXI. Macpherson is arrested for Assault and Battery. — He expounds the taw of Responsibility. — He visits Port Hudson and Vicks- burg.— He tests the Homoeopathic Principle, and is Chased by the Devil; etc., etc . ; ... 175 12 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXH. PAGE Macpherson is seized with the Newspaper Mania, and Determines to become an Editor. — He dissolves the Army of Madisonville, etc., etc 182 CHAPTER XXIII. Macpherson, disgusted with the Newspaper Business, resolves to acquire Office and Civil Renown. — The Restoration of Civil Government in Louisiana. — Macpherson is elected Governor of the State, etc., etc 188 CHAPTER XXIV. The Governor is- besieged by Office-seekers. — The ingenious Method by which he dispersed the Mob. — The True Southern Patriot, and why he would not accept Office. — The Idiotic Boy chastised. — The Governor makes a Pilgrimage to Richmond. — The Pull and Authentic History of the Congressional Career of the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman, etc., etc 199 THE LETTERS OF JAMES B. MACPHERSON. OHAPTEE I. Free Trade with the Kebels. Note.— Madisonville is a town sitnated on the Tchefuncta river, near Lake Pontchartrain, and was within the rebel lines at the time these letters were written, as it is, in fact, at the present time.*: The people were known to be destitute of many of the necessaries of life, and the secessionists of New Orleans made a strong effort to induct the authorities to permit free trade across the lake, on the groiind that humanity required it, and that the people were non-combatanjs. The Daily Picayune advocated this theory, and a writer, signing himself " Observer," published a communication in that paper urging its adoption by the authorities. The notion appeared too absurd to be treated seriously, and the author attempted to exhibit it in this light in the following letter, which appeared in The Eka, February 17th,- 1863. MAT>ISQ]5fVTT,T,T!, LA., Sunday Evening. February 15. Sib:— I have a wife and twelve children, all of them sons except the wife. Nine of them are in the Con- federate service, and so am I. The other three are not in the service, because one of them is only three years 14 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. old, but he will probably be old enough to join the army before the United States are crashed. Another one has lost a leg in the war, so that he can't march ; and the other one 'is idiotic. I am home on a furlough, and find my wife and three sons bad enough oif. They are destitute of many of the necessaries of life, and for my part I don't know what they will do. I think the United States ought to supply them with food. They are non-combatants, and there is no chanee that any of them will ever fight except the youngest ; and stipulation might be made that he should not eat any of the food sent over, if that should be deemed' ne^ cessary. So long as I and the. nine able bodied boys stay in the Confederate army, it will be necessary to have the rest of the family receive supplies from iSTew Orleans ; and -humanity and philanthropy demand- that trade should be allowed. I was pleased to read in this morning's Picayune, a communication from Mr. Observer, on this point; He proposes to send salt and other indispensable articles, and says he would go into the business himself, if he had the means, and could get the necessary authority. I hope he will go into it at once, as we need the salt much, and the indispensable articles would also come handy. He can make a good thing of it, as'we are willing to pay a. large price for salt, flour, • quinine, clothing, eottoa-ear J ds ? etc., all of which will bring a larger price here than Observer will have to give for. them in ISTew Orleans. I would pWja- large price for phat my family needs, as I cqiiM' fi&hfc a great deal better if I knew the folks were comfortable at home. rags trade wma the hebels. 15 By all means let some one lend Mr... Observe? the capi- tal ifjhe hash ? t : got it. for tnere is no reason wny non- combatants shouldn't be fed. Yours, sincerely, James B. Macphebsott. P. S. — ^While von are about it. tell Observer to bring me an English rifle, with a cartridge-box, and ahun- .dred rounds of ammunition. J. B. M. CHAPTEE II. Mr. Macpherson hath Hopes for his Idiotic Boy. — He DECXARETH HIMSELF TO BE A GOOD UNION MaN. COR- RESPONDENCE, and the Way to send it. — The True Plan of Conciliation,., etc. Note. — Confederate prisoners who were to leave New Orleans on parole, were discovered to have contraband letters sewed into their clothing. Madisonvtlle, La., February 21st, 1863. Sib: — I find that The Eea published my letter, in which I showed that the United States ought to sup- port my family as long as I am in the Confederate ser- vice, and that the destitute people on this side of the Jake should be permitted to trade with !STew Orleans. "When I saw that letter in The Eea, I experienced all the* pleasure of a man who, for the first time, sees his name in print. I looked at it two or three hours, and then handed it over to my Idiotic Boy. I could not restrain my tears, when I thought of the unhappy fate of that youth, doomed never to write a letter for the newspapers, nor to realize the blissful feelings which swelled in his father's heart, at gazing upon his own name in small-cap letters. " Cheer up, my dear," said my wife. " James, to be sure, is an idiot, but idiots does .sometimes write for newspapers." Immediately she handed me " Observer's" letter in Sunday's Picayune, and I became calm. Whenever I look at that letter I believe fully my wife's remark. Sights oe a kon-combataot: 17 As I told you before, I am home on a furlough, and so long as I remain away from my regiment, at Port Hudson, I consider myself a non-combatant, and I de- mand from the United States government all the rights of a neutral. I wish, while my furlough continues, to take a hand in trade across the lake, and as Observer promises to go into it if anybody will furnish funds, I now definitely offer him my assistance, and promise to invest my last three months' pay as a private, which I have just drawn from the paymaster in Confederate treasury notes and Madisonville butchers' tickets, and three dollars of which are worth three cents in coin. /: What I want now, is, to make arrangements for get- ting all the newspapers across the lake, and to gain in- formation in regard to the Union soldiers in General Banks's Department. So long as I am a neutral, I have a perfect right to know what is going on, and the in- formation thus obtained I could sell to my General for a high price, which would do much towards feeding my destitute family, and helping on our speculations. You will therefore please forward to me immediately a full statement of the number of froop&in the Department of the Gulf, where the camps are located, the quality of arms, the number of guns, the amount of ammunition, the number, strength, and position of the gunboats, the maps and plans of future operations by land and water, and any other small matters which would be of interest and use to me, and which can do no harm so long as I am a non-combatant. If, however, the military author- ities should differ from the Picayune and me in these matters, pleas© sew all necessary letters into the collars and cuffs of the coats of Confederate; soldiers, bound 18 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. only by a, parole of honor, and stuff all the newspapers you can find into the legs of their breeches. But there can be no possible objection to permitting free correspondence with me. I am, in fact, a good Union man, and boldly proclaim my -Union sentiments among my comrades. My doetri'ne is, that the. United States ought to lay down their arms at once,_and then ask for an armistice^ preparatory to a recognition of the Southern Confederacy. Such a step would place the Confederate States under great obligations to the United States, and would, engender a sentiment of friendship. It would, to be sure, result in the complete success of the Confederate cause ; but it would heal all feelings of wounded pride on our part, and perhaps ultimately restore the Union. I, for one, would then go for a re- establishment of the Union, on condition that all the Northern men who do not agree with me should be hung or expelled from the country. If the United States would consent to this, and purge itself effectually of all men of opposite politics, I think we might be reunited and live together in peace. But so long as any- one favorable to the United States government- is tolerated in the North, I, for one, am opposed to the Union, and will urge the Confederate army to fight, and make all I can out of it. Let the United States government pursue a conciliatory policy and hang all its friends, however, and I believe then a happy peace will dawn upon this land, and the advocates of war will skulk away in terror and disgrace. Yours, truly, James B. Macphebson. SECESSION DEMONSTBATION. 19 CHAPTER III. This Great Secession Demonstration in New Orleans, AS DliSpKIBED BY LoDIS T. WlGFALL MaCI'HEBSON. Note. — On the 20th February, 1863, a large number of rebel pris- oners left New Orleans to be ©ichaiHged. They were to have been taken on the steamer Empire Parisli ;? faut that vessel met with some accident before she got off. The departure of these prisoners was made the occasion of a grand demonstration on the part of the seces- sion women of the city, who thronged the levee by thousands, to ex- press their sympathy for the cause of treason. The prisoners all went away with new suite of clothes, furnished by rebel women in the city, and would liave carried other suits had the authorities per- mitted it. The assembly became so noisy and insolent, that a regi- ment of soldiers finally cleared the levee. Mabisonvblle, La., February 28th, 1863. Sir: — I now forward a copy of the letter of my son Louis T. Wigfafl, of tie Confederate Army ; and here I deem it proper to state that I am a descendant of revolutionary sires, and consequently that I named my sons after the greatest lights of American history. They are: George Washington, Louis T. Wigfall, Thomas Jefferson, Roger A. Pryor, Ben. Wood, John C. Breckinridge, Andrew Jackson, Toussaint l'Ouver- ture, and Horatio Seymour. Those are the names of my nine boys in the army. The idiot I have named James Buchanan Floyd, the cripple Braxton Bragg, and the infant Mason Slidell. Having premised thus much, I will proceed with the letter : 20 THE MACPHEBSON LETTEBS. Louis T. Wigfall Macpher son's Aiweutwres m New Orleans. Louis T. Wigfall Macpherson writes : " I've had the biggest kind of a time sense yon hurd from Me last. I was took prisoner by the Tanks. I had sworn never to surrender alive, and I never would have done it, only My back happened to be turned at the minit, and so they got Me and sent Me to New Orleans with the rest. They locked me up for a while, but then they let Me out on payroll in the streets, and I had the fredum of the sitty. " Well, as I went saunchering along the streets I met a lady whose dress and proud bearing told me at once Bhe belonged to the alight, and Bo it proved. She stopped and looked at me mquiringly, and finally bend- ing her proud head towards me, she says': 'Pardon Me, sir, but isn't you a Confederate soljur V , Says I :' 1 Yes, miss, I is.' Says she to Me : ' I thought so by your proud and hauty bearing, and by your dilapidated gray garments, which is dearer in my eyes than the vestments of a monarch, or the costly robes of the Prince de Joinville.' Then I bent my hauty head to- wards her and said : ' I thank you, miss ; you do Me' proud.' . Then says she : ' Come and see us ;' and says I : ' Where do you live ;' Then she told me, and .1 went to see 'em that Jery night. " I found that the family belonged to the alight, and was all of the wright stripe. The lady had ate dau- ters, seven of them grown up, and all of them lovely and charming as rose-blossoms, and all as secesh as Lovell or Vallandigham. The old lady had a stick Yoraro macpbebson's adventckes. 21 about two feet long, which she had saved from the rebel flagstaff at Fort Jackson ever since our victory there over Farrigut. It was ' beautiful to see her wave this stick over the heads of her obediunt dauters and hurrah for the Confederacy. " Says all of them to Me : l Make this your home as long as you are in New Orleans.' Says I : ' Thank you, kind ladies, I will do so ;' and I did. I staid in that house until I was exchanged, and it was beautiful and romantic to see the devotion of them lovely dauters of the South. I was as ragged as Lazarus, and hadn't a red, and so the old lady sent for a Confederate taylor, and had him make Me a sute of close — a nice gray uni- form j.;, and then they took Me up to the photographic gallery and had My likeness took. But this wouldn't do, and each of the ate dauters had a sute made, and each one of them presented me with a Confederate uni- form complete. " Purty soon the time cum to be exchanged on the Empire Parish, and then I put on my whole nine sutes at a time. I felt grand and looked like the Irysh jiunt, only not as tall. Says they all : ' "We are sorry to lose your society, but the Confederacy needs your services, and we musl let you go.' Then they all eryed. "It was now time to go down to the boat, and these lovely ladies was determined to show their devotion to our hoely cawse. So the old laip took her stick, and she with the ate- dauters, all wearing seceshun flags around their wastes, formed a holler square around Me, and I marched in the senter with them as a escort of onur. As we was going to the levee we met a Tank soljur, who shouted out : ' Go it, grayback ! — you need 22 THE MAOPHEBSOSr LETTEE3. an escort of women.' The old lady said : ' I'll take no insult from a Tank !' and then she knocked him down with the peace of the flag-staff allewded to ; and I ap- plawded her and the dauters laft. It was a beauti&l site to behold that woman bend her proud and hauty head and raise her delicate white snowy arm; in the cawse of her country, and to see those lovely dauffij!® so alight, smiling sweetly upon her. " There Was a glorious time at the Levee. Holler squares kept coming in, and all true to the cawse ; and in order to show em I was not afrade to fite, I knocked a big nigger off the wharf into the river. Just as I was going a board, fhe : old lady slapped: Me on the shoulder ; but I didn't feel it, her hand was so delicate and I had so many entes of gray close on. But says she : ' There's one thing I've forgot.' Then she ripped open my cuffs and collers, and sode in a catalogue of Farragut's ships and General Banks's troops, saying : ' That's for Jeff. Davis.' Says I : ' Miss, I'm on my payroll of onur not to do so.' Says she : ' A Confeder- ate payroll is not wuth a, red,' or words to that effect ; and so after they had put a newspaper and a plug of tobacker in each pocket, they all kissed Me, and the old lady said : ' Brave son of the Confederacy ! — the alight of the city has come to see you off and to.shour on your heads the blessings of patryotic matruns and spotless mades, and to nil your pockets with letters and to- backer. Axcept these toakuns of our patryotie-devo- shun, and think of us when you are .fga; above Baton Eouge !' Says I : ' Thanks, miss, to you and your ate alight dauters for your patryotic wishes, for the tobacker you have bestowed, on my unworthy head, and for HEGEO SOtDIEES. 23 teaching me the yalue of a Confederate payroll of ornir.' " Then I went aboard, and the old lady she swung her stick and we all give three cheers for Jeff. Davis ; and then I fell off of the paddle-box into the river, over- cum with the manly emotions which swelled in my bosom. A Yank pulled me out, for I had s® many close on I couldn't stur;. If I ever meet him in battle I'll ring his* neck for him. " I was so heavy with wet close and things that it took the whole ship's crew to pull me out. They set me on the paddle-box, and I was so heavy that the ■whole concern broke down, and they had to put us on another" ship. " As soon as we got up to Port Hudson, I sold all my close for $800 a sute, bringing me a total of $7,200, and now I'm. perfectly destitute-r-haven't got a decent sute to put on. l : ftead" my order to the United States for a new uniform, and invest my money in salt and ship it up to Port Hudson on a flag-of-truce-boat im- mediately, and oblige " Your destitute son, " LOUIS T. WlGFALL MaCPHEESOST, " Co. I, 18th La. Vols." Mr. Maopherson's Views on Negro Soldiers. I now wish to make a feAV remarks on the subject of negro soldiers. I am opposed to negroes inthe abstract, and am dead set against having them enlisted as soldiers.- in the service of the United States ; and I regard such enlistments as inhuman, wicked, barbarous, andJdamna- ble beyond description. The English ©ii^mary does 24 THE MACPHEESO]? tETTEKS. not contain adjectives strong enough to paint the hor- rors of making Union soldiers of negroes; but when you come to make them Confederate soldiers, I, for one, am in favor of it ; and if nine regiments are raised, I mean that each of my sons shall be a Colonel, I will then get my furlough cancelled, and take the field in person ; as a Brigadier-General, in command of the Maepherson Brigade. As soon as the war is over I will' buy a plantation and set them at work on it, and I mean to be the largest slaveholder and autocrat in the Con- federacy. Tours respectfully, James B. Macpheeson. OATH OF ALLEGIANCE. 25 CHAPTEE IV. MAjOFHBRSON TAKES THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE. A LETTER 'from Jeff. Davis. — A Good Confederate Lady with Yankee Boarders. — A Gross Insult to the Confeder- ; ACT, ETC., ETC. Note. — Many secessionists in New Orleans took the oath, of alle- giance to the United States, merely to save their property from con- fiscation. It was not uncommon for them to boast that such was their only motive, and that they did not regard the oath as binding upon their consciences. This was true of some who gained their l-sJilSJJC Dread "by boarding Federal officers. . It was not an unusual Jgjiectacle to see ladieB cross the street rather than pass under a flag bl the United States ; this was one way in which they exhibited their hatred of the Union, and their sympathy for the rebel cause. Madisonvtlle, La., March 7th, 1863. Sir : — You should know that my letters in The Eea have been regularly forwarded to Jeff. Davis, at Rich- mond. With the one in last Sunday's paper, I sent a request that my furlough might be extended ; and in reply I received, by telegraph, the following : Letter from Jeff. Da/vis. "Richmond, Va., March 3. "My Dear Macpheeson : — I have received from time to time the copies of The Eea containing your wise and patriotic letters, which I have read with ever- increasing pleasure. The sufferings of your family and the destitution which prevails among my subjects have touched my paternal heart; and I now recommend that you go at once to New Orleans and take the oath 26 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. of allegiance. Of course you will understand tltat no oath is binding upon the conscience of a Confederate, unless taken before a Confederate magistrate. Having eaten enough to last you until your next visit, and made such observations as will be useful to the cause, you will return on the first flag-of-truce-boat, and -im- mediately communicate to me all information you can obtain. Also, bring your satchel full of edibles for your family. " I have directed my Adjutant-general, S. Cooper, to ' rhake out a new furlough for you, excusing you from all duty with your regiment, so long as you continue td? write for The Era.- " I also forward herewith a commission for your son" John C. Breckinridge Macpherson, as Colonel of the 8th Georgia Negro Confederate Liberty Guards. " I am, my dear Mac, " Yours in Confederate bonds, "" Jefe. Davis." I was proud enough, the Lord knows, when I first saw my name printed in The Eea ; but what shall I say of my feelings when I received the above letter ? ■ " Is it possible," I cried aloud, clasping my hands and raising my eyes impressively, in a manner which would; do credit to Vining Bowers; "is it possible that the President of the new nation, the anchor of Southern independence, the flag-staff of our proud stars and bars, the chiefest demigod of Confederate mythology, has. condescended to write to me in terms of fraternal en- dearment V I clasped my Idiotic Boy to my bosom, waved my letter aloft to heaven, seized my satchel, STRUGGLE WITH CONSCIENCE. 27 and, with emotions only equalled by those of Floyd When he first espied the United States treasury build- ing, started hurriedly for New Orleans. Maqpherson's manly Struggle with his Conscience. The first encounter I had ;W3S with my own con- science. Said conscience to me : " Macpherson, re- member that thou art the descendant of revolutionary sires, the proud representative of an honorable house and name, the great light and mirror of Madisonville chivalry, and, more than all, the confidential agent of Jefil Davis, the greatest man that eve? trod in Confed- erate shoes, worth $300 a pair. Then how canst thou, O Macpherson, lover of honor and hater of Yankees, raise. thy hand to heaven and swear allegiance to a flag which, to thine illuminated mind, is the symbol of . ungodly power and basest tyranny ? and how canst thou consent to eat the bread of Yankees, gotten under the false pretense that thou art faithful to , their flag ? O Macpherson ! pause and go home 1" But I told my conscience to dry up. Did not Daniel eat the bread of the pagan king, and was not Daniel bold as a lion ? "I will take the oath," said I, " but there is not Spaulding's glue enough among living men to stick me to it !" Macpherson tfAm the Oath of Allegiance. Well, I went and took the oath. It was a matter of compulsion, because, it was the only way I could get inside the lines without becoming a prisoner ; and when a man takes an oath under compulsion, he is allowed to 28 THE MAGPHEBSON LETTEBS. break it the first chance. But when I went up to take the oath of allegiance, I asked the Yankee officer if he would have the goodness to let me look at the Bible before I swore. He kindly assented, and looking at the imprint I found it had been published in Boston, and was a regular abolition concern ; and then con- science gave way, and said I could swear to any thing I chose on a Bible printed north of Mason and Dixon's line. I swore to a lot of stuff — more than I like to think of now ; but one of the points was that I would never bear arms against the United States. But to this I mentally added the words, " so long as my fur- lough lasts," and my conscience went to sleep as sound- ly as though it had been soothed by twenty whisky- skins at Marble Hall. Macpherson finds a good Confederate Lady. As I expected to remain in town most of the week, I resolved to find a boarding-house with some good Confederate who had taken the oath of allegiance. I soon discovered such a place — a house kept by a Con- federate lady, whose husband and three sons are in our varmy, boldly fighting for Southern independence, and who has taken the oath of allegiance to save the prop- erty from confiscation. I found this good lady to be true blue. ""Macpherson," said she, when I applied for board, "have you taken the oath of allegiance to the.Abolitionists ?" I blushed all over, from the crown of my Confederate head to the soles of my Confederate shoes, as I replied, "Yes." "Well, then," said this brave lady, "if you have done that git out of this house ! Them as leaves the army when they ought to THE CONFEDERATE LADY. 29 be bearing the burden and beat of the Confederate day, musn't come sneaking around this bouse for shelter. If I was a man, do you think I would be here ? No sir-ee. I would have a Jeff. Davis musket on my shoul- der, and would be sending death and blood abroad among the Yankees as a besom of destruction. Where is my sons and husband ? Isn't they doing their di^ty to the Confederacy on the bloody field, and one of them in the commissary department ! Oh! I hate cowards and traitors, and a man as leaves the Confederacy and comes over to live on Yankee bread is all three com- bined in one mean hateful critter, who can't find no encouragement nor shelter under this roof ! Git out of here, James B. Macpherson ! — or I'll, have my nigger kick you into the gutter !" As she gave utterance to these noble and patriotic sentiments, her tall form was erect, her eyes flashed with Confederate fire like the bolts of Olympian Jove ; her fists were clenched in the very ecstasy of anger, and cowering before her for mercy, I could but feel that I was in the presence of a goddess. " Minerva of Louisiana !" I exclaimed, kneeling be- fore her — " Pallas Athene of the Confederacy ! let me explain to. you the manner and meaning of my visit. Allow me to — " Just at this stage of my address, the good lady's nig- ger, in obedience to a wave of her hand, came stealthi- ly behind me, opened the door, and seizing me by the collar, kicked me out of the house, landing me square in the gutter. I sat there a considerable time, when suddenly a Yankee officer approached, and he asked me into his 30 THE MAOPHEESON LETTEBS. room. To my astonishment, he walked into the very house from which I had just been so summarily ejected. I sat down and wrote an explanation of my position, and sent it to the good lady. In five minutes she sent for me, said she was delighted to see me, proud to have me under her roof, and that I needn't pay a picayune fibr board as long as I staid there. She then had the nigger whipped for kicking me out, and from that mo- ment we were fast friends. I found that her house was full of Yankee officers, except two beautiful young ladies who boarded there, and were true as steel to the Confederacy. " How comes it, madam," I inquired, " that a woman of your proud and patriotic spirit ever consented to take the oath of allegiance, or to have your establish- ment supported by Yankee officers 1" " Because," replied the good lady, " necessity is the mother of invention, and being a mother myself I ean appreciate it. As to taking the oath of allegianee, that don't amount to nothing. The oath never went through my teeth ; it was necessary to save my proper- ty, and I say it boldly, I have no more respect for that oath than I have for the President of Hayti. As to the Yankee boarders, the times has been when thero wasn't Confederate treasury notes enough in Jacob Barker's safe to hire me to feed a Yankee officer ; but times has changed, and finding that I could live on Yankees and hate 'em at the same time, I yielded to the mother of invention." If Mrs. Macpherson could have looked into my heart, as the good lady gave utterance to the above honorable and patriotic sentiments, I fear she might have been BTSULTED BY THE FLAG. 31 jealous of the lively admiration with which the good lady inspired me. But whatever emotions were rising in my heart were suddenly overwhelmed by a great event. The two young ladies referred to previously, came into the room, trembling with excitement and pale with ghastly anger. " Has it come to this !" cried the beautiful maiden. " Are we to be insulted at our very doors !" My chivalric Madisonville blood was aroused by the sight of suffering beauty. " Haste me to know it !" I cried, springing to my feet, " that I, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, may have the vile ruffian ..wMpped... Where is the big nigger that kicked me out -.of doors? Madam, bring him hither, that we may avenge the injuries of your house !" " Such insolence !" cried the beautiful maiden, " and at our very door ! I never !" and she stamped her deli' cate foot upon the carpet, as though she would crush the United States beneath it. " What's the matter 2" demanded the good lady, in tones of angelic thunder. But the beautiful maiden could not answer. She be- came speechless with patriotic rage, and fell to the earth, pointing to the door and gasping with her faint- ing breath — " The flag !— the flag !" Hastening to the door, we beheld a loathsome spec- tacle. The man living near our door, a citizen of ISTew Orleans, had displayed a United States flag from his dwelling. A more gross insult to the Confederacy and to the good people who have taken the oath of allegiance to 32 THE MACPHEESON LBTTEES. save their property, could not be imagined. As the good lady gazed upon that detestable emblem of tyranny and bloody despotism, to which she had taken the oath of allegiance, she ground her teeth together, so that yon could hear them around the corner. Then we shut the door, and all fainted. As soon as we recovered, we held a family consulta- tion, and it was discussed whether to leave for the Con- federacy or to commit suicide. The beautiful maiden argued in favor of the latter course, as a sentimental way of serving the Confederacy* " How romantic !" she exclaimed ; " what a splendid subject for a Confed- erate Sylvanus Cobb ! — what a touching picture for the artist of. Harper's Weekly or Frank Leslies Illus- trated ! — Oh ! let us commit suicide, and be first in the book of Confederate martyrs, as a lovely matron and maid, who died rather than live under the flag to which they had taken the oath of allegiance, to save their property ! I wish," she added with a sigh, which moved me to tears, "that the whole Southern Confederacy would commit suicide !" This noble and patriotic sentiment would have pre- vailed, only we wished to preserve the property and make some more money out of the Yankees ; and so we decided that every time we. went out of the house, we would go bolt across the street and walk on the other side until We had passed the hateful flag, and then recross the street, thus omitting to walk under it. And the ladies went and took down the name and number of the man who had committed this outrage against the Confederacy, and I immediately sent the memorandum on to Jeff. Davis, asking his protection. TELEGEAM TO JEFF. DAVIS. 33 Just before, leaving ISTew Orleans, I got very drunk. In that state I went to the telegraph office and got Bulkley to send the following dispatch to Jeff. Davis : " Dear' Javis : — Honor report drunkenness alarming extent. Banks's army thoroughly demented— 18 divi- sions actual mutiny manifestations increasing ladies true great want of Madisonville bread and whisky. Full particulars in full letters by next dispatch. Block- ade broken and Federal fleet sunk. Mao. I fear the head of the new nation can't comprehend the above, but it is less obscure than the Southern Con- federacy, and he professes to understand that. Yours untiringly, James B. MAOPHEESoiir. P. S. — My Idiotic Boy is preparing an attack on the Know Nothings and Pilgrim Fathers, which will be sent to the True Delta for publication. J.B. M„ a* 34: THE MAOPHEBBON LETTEBS. CHAPTEE V. Macpbekson, Journeying to Madisonville, sees the Great "Confederate Cross,.i>" the Heavens. — He is seized by Arizonian Guerillas, and taken to the Place of Ex- ecution. — His Escape from Death, etc. Note. — The New Orleans Picayune, of March 7th, contained the following extraordinary announcement of a great phenomenon in the heavens : A Cross nc the Heavens, — A well-defined ctosb was seen in the sky over Kingston, N. C, some two weeks since. A correspondent, writing from that point to the Wilmington (N> C.) Journal, gives the following description of the phenomenon : " The moon rose cloudless. At a little before seven o'clock, two bright spots, some twelve degrees (Qr. in extent ?) were visible, one North and the other South, and immediately thereafter a cross was seen in the heavens, the raoen joining the four arms of the cross. About half-past eight o'clock the Northern light went out, but the cross and the spot to the South remained until past ten, when I re- tired. Can any one tell when the cross appeared before since the days of Constantine, when the letters of I. H. S. accompanied the sign r Sibley, it is known, commanded a body of Arizonian cavalry ; and a detachment of these wild and irregular troops one day " gobbled" a correspondent of The Era. Hewras made to follow them nineteen hours, when he was released in consideration of his gold watch and fifty dollars. The Memphis Appeal was in high favor with the seces- sionists of New Orleans, and its reports of rebel successes were about as truthful as the account contained in Maepherson's letter. The guerillas were much given to. destroying the telegraph within our lines. MADisosrvrLLE, La., February 14th, 1863. Sib : — I approach my subject with awe and supersti- tion. I am the illuminated Confederate who saw the Great Cross in the Heavens,, described by the Wilmington STAKBOW ESCAPE FROM DEATH. 35 Journal, and rreverently believed by the New Orleans Picayune. It will be remembered that, on the occasion of my recent visit to New Orleans, wliere I took the oath of allegiance to the United States, in order to get some- thing to eat, I left that city in a state of beastly intox- iak^qxi. • In one pocket of my breeches I had a bottle of whisky, and in the other a copy of the Picayune, of the Yth inst. As I crossed the line and set foot npon the sacred soil of my beloved Confederacy, I cried aloud : " Hail, sweet Confederacy ! — land of my ancestors ! — land for which George Washington was shot at by an Indian seventeen times, in a single battle ! — for which Jackson fought at New Orleans — for which Burgoyne sur- rendered at Saratoga Springs, as thousands have done since ! — welcome thy faithful Macpherson once more to thy Confederate bosom! What graphic recollections of hunger and thirst crowd upon my patriotic mind, as I tread again thy consecrated soil with a new pair of shoes! For thy sake, I see Ethan Allen demanding the surrender of Ticonderoga, Columbus prowling around in search of the New "World, and the Pilgrim Fathers building huts in the wilds of New England ! " Narrow Escape from, Death. Just at this stage of my apostrophe, I was startled by a .loud crash, and a flashing line of fire from the thicket in my rear, followed by a voice which cried: "Die, base Yankee dog!" The Confederate picket had been deceived by my allusion to the Pilgrim 36 THE MACPHEBSON mettees. Fathers and New England, and, supposing I was a Yankee, had fired upon me a whole volley of Confed- erate musketry. Overcome by a strong emotion of fear, I fell prostrate upon the soil, and was left for dead. But gathering myself up, I 60on discovered that I was as alive as ever, and that the only result of the volley had been to deprive me of a considerable portion of my pantaloons. Grateful for my deliverance from premature and un- natural homicide, I fell into a train of serious reflection ; and conscience, with a heavy hand, chastised me for approaching my native land in a state of beastly in- toxication. I therefore fell upon my knees, and took the pledge of perpetual temperance. I vowed in the most solemn manner that never again, while life should last or the Confederacy endure, would I, under any cir- cumstances, taste, touch, or handle one drop t>f spirituous or malt liquors, wine, Louisiana rum, or cider. I then danced a double-shuffle, and chante^.the Bonnie Blue Flag^MCa. a snatch of Stonewall Jackson's Grand March. Overcome by patriotic emotions, I determined to modify my temperance pledge so far as to take one big swig of whisky. And as I had now come within sight of Madisonville, I sat down by the fence, and taking the bottle from my pocket, cried . aloud : " Bacchus ! son of Jupiter and Semele, thou the victim of Juno's unrelenting hatred, who didst cause - the women of Thebes to run wildly through the woods like Confed- erate Gorillas, to thee I dedicate my last parting drink !" I then -took the biggest swig of whisky I ever took in my life, and the effect was so pleasing, that I kept drinking until the bottle was empty. maopherson's vision. 37 The Vision, In this frame of mini}, and while still seated by the highway, under the fence, I imagined myself at home far my own room. I trust I shall be excused for allud- ing to the subject, but the truth of history requires me to state, that under this 1 strange impression I undressed myself and went to bed, hanging the remnants of my pantaloons on a fence post, believing it to be a chair. Little did I imagine that my bed was Confederate soil, and my shelter the brave o'erhanging firmament, the majestical roof fretted with golden fire. Yet, so it was, and there, upon the all-nourishing bosom of the Con- federacy, there on the highway, in the sight of the ppireg of Madison ville, I lay down under the fence and slept the sleep of intoxicated innocence, dreaming of Mjfi. Davis, the Confederate States of America, Con- stantine. Temperance, Bacchus, and Macpherson. Now it'was 'that a wonderful vision broke upon my bewildered gaze, which I fear the English language is too feeble to describe. Nevertheless, I will try. Nox erat. ' The- moon arose cloudless. At a little •"before seven o'clock two bright spots, about twelve degrees, were ' visible, one north and the other south, and immediately a cross was seen in the heavens, the moon joining the four arms of the cross. About half-past eight o'clock the northern light went out, but the cross and the spot to the south remained until past ten, when I became too drunk to look at it longer, and retired again to the soil of the Confed- eracy. 38 THE MACPHEESON I/ETTEBS. The vision, according to the best of my recollection, which, I admit, is somewhat obscure, presented the fol- lowing appearance : 'EN" TOU- mSm TO NIKA* € S As I have already stated, the northern light went out at half-past eight o'clock, and by casting his eyes at the above diagram of the vision, the reader will per- ceive that the northern light was Jeff. Davis. Having gone to sleep at half-past ten, I turned un- easily on the soil and partially awoke, exclaiming: "Heaven sends miraculous signs whereby it maketh known its approval of the Confederacy. I will imbrue my hands in Yankee blood, and do such sanguinary deeds as will make the. name of Macpherson synony- mous with human gore. My new shoes shall become slippery with homicidal claret." * " With this you will conquer." The words seen by Constantino on the cross in the sky. THE AEIZONIAN GOBILLA. 39 Advent of the Avisorviam, Gorilla. Just at this stage of my patriotic address, I was in- terrupted by a voice like that of Mars, when he roared amid the ranks of the contending Greeks and Trojans, far on the ringing plains of windy Troy. It said : " Death to the ' American fanatic and the blind and vindictive Unionist !' " "That remark," I replied-, arousing myself, "is a quotation from the True Delta's editorial of the 12th inst. AJIow me to inquire to whom you refer in that noble and patriotic expression ?" " To you, vile abolition renegade !■ — you, ' American fanatic and blind and vindictive Unionist !' — you, impu- dent hireling of Abraham Lincoln, a bloodier despot than Nero — a man whose shameless and sanguinary deeds, compared with those of Caligula or Helioga balus, stand black as a Congo African beside a spotless maiden !" " Allow me to inquire^', I responded, " to whom I am indebted for the expression of these noble and patriotic sentiments, at this lonely hour, while the celestial vision whispers peace to my Confederate bosom ?" " I am the Arizonian," he shouted, while the woods trembled with the roar of his beautiful voice : "lam the Chief Gorilla, whose will is Confederate law. I am the bloody avenger of my country's wrongs-^-the gobbler-up of Yankee emissaries and Eka correspond ents, whose purpose to tear out thy vile heart is as relentless as destiny. I am Don Antonio Maria de Santiago Sibley !" And then he smote his breast and howled. 40 THE MAOPHEESCXST LETTEBS. " Pardon me," I replied, " for interrupting you ; but allow me to inquire if you have the latest news through Southern sources ?" He then drew from his pocket .the latest Memphis Appeal, and read as follows : " We have to record a great Confederate victory over the Hessians, at Madisonville, but the lateness of the hour and the scarcity of rum will not permit us to give full details. Suffice it to say that Gen. Bragg passed through Madisonville on the 12th inst. with a force of four hundred thousand volunteers, and after marching forty-five miles encountered the Yankees with greatly superior numbers. The fight lasted eighteen hours, and the Yankees were totally routed. "On the first discharge of our musketry, fifteen thou- sand Ohio troops fell dead. At the close of the en- gagement we buried two hundred and eighty-seven thousand of the enemy's slain. Not a man was hurt on our side, notwithstanding we were exposed to a terrible and destructive fire from the enemy's batteries for a day and a half. "Nine hundred batteries, two hundred thousand prisoners, a million stand of arms, nineteen major-gen- erals, and thirty thousand commissioned officers are among the spoils of our victory. The commissioned officers will be turned over to Gov. Moore for execution, and the privates will be offered double pay and com- missions to join the Confederate service. " Gen. Bragg will reach New Orleans on the 13th inst., at daylight. " Stonewall Jackson is at Madisonville. with eighty- four thousand prisoners. COOTEDEKATB, WAR BULLETINS. 41 Later. "Not one of the enemy survived. Those who were not killed were mortally wounded. " England has recognized the Southern Confederacy, and a French fleet has blockaded New York and Phil- adelphia.' Lincoln is a prisoner. Still Later.. " We regret to learn that Gen. Bragg's victory was not so decisive as at first supposed. He has fallen back upon Madisonville, and thinks he will be able to hold his position. Latest. " The enemy is in full possession of the field, and has advanced two miles. It is believed' that Gen. Bragg's loss is but little more than that of the enemy. Full particulars in our next edition." As the Gorilla read the above reliable intelligence, I had an opportunity to survey the extraordinary person before me. His brow was dark almost to blackness ; his shoulders were as broad as those of Hercules ; his breast was covered with a shaggy Confederate blanket, and his breeches were made of leather. His beard and hair nearly swept the ground, while his head was sur- mounted by. a hat with a broad and dilapidated brim. He carried a lasso in his hand, and hurling it with Arizonian agility, he caught me round the neck and drew me to his horse's feet with the strength of Dr. Windship. He then ordered me to prepare to march . immediately to the place of execution. 42 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. The Vision JEbplmned. As I took my unmentionables from the fence, I found, much, to my astonishment, that the two arms of the cross disappeared, and I discovered that the fence stake on which they had been hanging, formed the upright- part of the great celestial vision, and that the moon, shining through the large hole in the above-mentioned garment, had given it the appearance of joining the four arms of the cross, while the Greek inscription and the cabalistic letters were easily accounted for by the vividness of my imagination, and the presence of the. Picayime in one of my pockets. " Idiot !" shouted the Gorilla, " mount a steed and make haste, for to-morrow thou shalt die." I obeyed, and we started off, the squadron all singing a song of which I remember only the following : "I am the bold Gorilla ; I wears a ragged shirt ; My face is like Attila, All covered o'er with dirt. ' Upon the Mississippi, I walk along so sly, A-watching for to whip a Gunboat a-sadling by. " We've stolen many chickens, We've emptied many a cup ; We've given the Yankees lickings ; We are the Gobblers-up !" This beautiful and patriotic song was interrupted by the sight of a telegraph pole, which immediately in- spired the Gorilla and his followers with uncontrollable MA0PHEE80N RANSOMS HIMSELF. 43 rage. " Cut the connection !" was the shout, and dash- ing boldly forward in line, they demolished the tele- graph pole, and cut the wire in thirty-live pieces with their sabres ; after which we resumed our march, over rough and dangerous roads, impenetrable swamps, and impassable bayous, occasionally stopping to turn a family out of the house, or to rob a hen-roost. In nineteen hours we arrived at the place of execu- tion — a beautiful and romantic spot, surrounded by mud and overhung with cypress-trees. "Now," said the Arizonian, " prepare for instant death !" " Is there nothing," I asked, " that will change thy relentless purpose ?" " Nary," he replied. " I am a patriot, and no base considerations move me. I despise the Yankees for their speculations — their mean tricks of traffic ; I hate them, because they may be approached with bribes, and will sell out for gold or greenbacks. But, as for me," he continued, haughtily smiting his bosom, " I am swayed only by chivalric devotion to my country. I was educated at West Point, at the expense of the United States, and think I got the best of the Yankees when I turned against them, notwithstanding their shrewdness. So did Beauregard. But to what didst thou allude, Macpherson, when thou didst ask if any thing might not change my purpose ?" " I alluded," was my answer, " to the condition of the exchequer. I know that such patriots must live, and that Confederate hen-roosts are much exhausted, and on condition that you spare my valuable life, I will contribute to your financial resources." 44 Hast a gold watch ?" asked the unselfish patriot. 44 THE MACPHEE80N LETTEEB. "I have." " Hast greenbacks ?" "I have." "Greenbacks," quoth the Gorilla, " are not as good as New Orleans shinplasters and car-tickets. I prefer ragged three-dollar bills cut in two in the middle, for they remind me of charity concerts, the proceeds of which are used to clothe Confederate prisoners." " Thy wish shall be gratified, most noble of patriots !" I answered ; " I will give thee my gold watch, and $50 in cut bills, in exchange for my valuable life." " I consider I have got the best of the bargain," said the Gorilla, as he smilingly appropriated the money and watch. " Macpherson, thou hast paid more than thy life is worth." I then returned to Madisonville, thinking of the noble patriotism of those men, actuated only by the love of the new nation, and longing in my heart to kill a Yankee or destroy a telegraph pole. Yours, perseveringly, James B. Macpheeson. THE MACPHEBSON FESTIVAL. 45 CHAPTEE VI. A. Full Account of the Great Macpherson Festival at the House of the Noble Woman, in New Orleans. " Note. — Previous to the departure of the British war-vessel Biaal- do from the port of New Orleans, in the spring of 1863, a party was given to the officers of that ship at the house of a secessionist, in great secrecy. The officers had, on every occasion, exhibited their sympathy for the rebel cause, and the party was composed only of faithful secessionists. The toasts, songs, and. all proceedings were of the worst rebel description. A flag of the United States was thrown under the table, where all present trampled upon it, and the rebel colors were displayed and honored. The tickets of the New Orleans City Railroad Company are used for small change, their value being a picayune — five cents. At the time this letter was written, the secessionists confidently expected " Stonewall" Jackson to capture the city. Indeed; the race of those; who expect to see the rebel power re-established in New Orleans, is not yet extinct ; but as the armies of the " Confederacy" are driven back and defeated by our forces, the rumors of large rebel armies, just ready to dash in upon the city, become more vague and less frequent. MADISONVTLIiE, La., March 21st, 1863. Sir : — I arrived in New Orleans on Saturday, ac- companied by my Idiotic Boy, and had scarcely regis- tered my name at the St. Charles, when I was imme- diately surrounded by a great crowd of admiring friends, who thanked me for my able defense of the Confederacy, and for my brilliant assaults upon the United States. I replied, that the Confederacy alone was worthy of our devotions, and that I received their kind remarks, not as a compliment to me, but to the Confederacy I represented ; and they admitted that such was the fact. I had long believed that I was a 46 THE MACPHERSCUSr LETTEES. descendant of G-erman ancestors, and in order to settle the question definitely, I measured heads with a Dutch- man, and as our heads were exactly of the same size, I considered my Gothic descent fully established. But the principal object of my visit to the city was to accept the invitation of a Noble Woman — a widow, whose husband has lost his life in the cause of the Con- federacy. This lady, charmed both by my patriotism and my literary abilities, had begged that I would visit her, in company with my Idiotic Boy, and promised to give me a grand dinner and festival if I should accept ; and I will now give you a full account of The Great Maepherson Festival. I found, on entering the house, that the most elabo- rate preparations had been made for my reception, and neither time, car-tickets, nor labor had been spared- to make the occasion worthy of the great purpose. A mammoth hoop-skirt had been manufactured ex- pressly for the banquet, so large that it filled the whole room. This was spread over the table and surmounted by a Confederate flag a hundred and sixty feet long, the whole forming a beautiful and spacious canopy. The Noble "Woman and her daughters had a Confed- erate flag in each breadth of skirt, while a miniature flag-staff had been fixed into the back of their heads, from which gracefully streamed the emblem of the new nation, and saucy rebel rosettes covered their craniums, beautifully mingling and contrasting the Confederate colors with the darkness of their shining raven locks. The concave of the spacious canopy was decorated macpherson's reception. 47 with appropriate mottoes and inscriptions, painted in beautiful red ink, which would make a column of the Era; but I shall give only a few of the most striking, to-wit : " Oli, welcome, great Macpherson ! Our hearts no more are light ; We breathe a bitter curse ou Our Yankee foes to-night." " The Confederacy : It must and shall be pre- served." — Andrew Jackson Davis. " Die, Base Yankee Dog !" — James B. Macpher- son. "I am Opposed to Negroes in the Abstract." — Ibid. As I entered the house, followed by my Idiotic Boy, the Noble Woman advanced, and bowing in a stately and inviting manner, said : " "Welcome, great Confeder- ate! — Literary Light of Madispnville and New Orleans ! — you who have defended us when our rights were in peril, and stood up to the scratch when Lovell sold the city to Farragut ! — we wish to pay a tribute to your great abilities, which is only equalled by your devotion to the Confederacy." To which I replied, that I did not regard this as a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy I represented. A nigger fiddler, who had %een hired for the performance, now struck up Beauregard's March, and we all danced a jig around the table. A retired and secluded residence had been selected, and the door was locked, double-bolted, and chained, while the windows were barricaded with empty barrels and Jjfj@?tton bales, to hide the light and prevent the 48 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. noise being heard outside, " These precautions are necessary," said the Noble Woman, " because the peo- ple of New Orleans live in a condition of abject bond- age. We are not permitted to arm ourselves against the United States, nor to keep heavy, ordnance in our houses preparatory to a .Confederate insurrection, nor can we have Confederate -precessions: unless, we attend funerals, nor boldly hurrah for Jeff. Davis.'.' "jUnhappy people !" I exclaimed, my heart wrung with the deepest pity ; ." you remind me of PrometheuSj, the son of Iapetus, and. the instructor, of mortals^ who is said to have surpassed all men in sagacity. For having brought fire from heaven to, earth in a hollow cane, he was chained to a rock with an eagle to prey upon his liver. Even so, enslaved ones, are you bound to an unhappy destiny, with bands of iron and hooks of steel, and the American eagle is gnawing out your vitals. But let not your, hearts be filled with despair, for in thirty thousand years Hercules, the son of Jupiter, hastened to his relief, .snappe.d asunder his bonds, and he, Prometheus still, arose clothed with all; the dignity of Southern independence. And as promptly as Her- cules hastened to the relief of Prometheus, shall Stone> wall Jackson come to snap the Yankee bonds which chain this enslaved people to an unhappy destiny, and you shall arise and shine in the light of the Confed- eracy ! He may be expected, Anno Domini 31,863, if nothing happens, meantime, to. prevent. Were it not •ifor the scarcity of provisions existing at MadisonviLLe, I would invite the enslaved populace, to visit that classi- cal town, and extend to all the freedom of the city in a box. But at present that is impracticable." THE KOBLE WOMAn's ADDEESS. 49 A«jg$§ip many guests had been invited, male and female, "and all of them first-class Confederates, and neutral citizens and foreign subjects. No small- fry were present, I assure you. I was introduced to each one, and they all compli- mented me until I blushed ; but I toid them I did not consider it a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represented. At last the time came for dinner, and we formed a procession in the parlor and marched in under the magnificent canopy. As I entered the room, the nigger struck up, " Hail to the Chief!" when the whole assem- bly gave three cheers for Macpherson and Jeff. Davis. I replied : " I thank you for these manifestations of your kindness, but I do not consider it a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represent." Whereupon we all sat down. Two niggers then entered the room with a United States flag in a miniature coffin. It was taken out and spread under the table, and we all tramped on it. Then the nigger played the Mansfield Lovett Quickstep wp the Jackson Rail/road, when the Noble Woman said : " Ladies and gentlemen — we have assembled this night to honor the great light of Confederate literature, James B. Macpherson. [Deafening sensation.] I have erected this hoopskirt canopy as an appropriate emblem of the eourage, valor, and daring deeds of the Confederates who still reside in New Orleans. For, to the disgrace of the United States be it said, such is the uninterrupted and infamous tyranny under which we groan, that the brave sons of the Confederacy who now inhabit this unhappy city, and even French subjects and British 50 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. sailors, are compelled to seek protection and safety amid the skirts of our beautiful women ; and here alone it is, in secluded places, with double-bolted doors and barricaded windows, with hushed voices and throbbing hearts, stimulated by champagne and nigger-fiddling, and overshadowed and concealed by a mammoth skirt, that we are permitted to trample upon the flag of the United States, that detestable emblem of despotism, whose stripes are painted with innocent Confederate blood, and whose stars are more malignant than Sirius !" As the Noble Woman uttered the closing sentence of her eloquent invective, an electric shock of patriotic rage ran around the table, similar to that which one would experience holding on to a galvanic battery or grabbing the electric eel, and rising to our feet we swore eternal and undying devotion to the Confederacy. The Noble Woman then said that as I had not had any thing to eat for several -days, I had better proceed uninter- ruptedly with my dinner,, and speak afterward. T© which I replied that I did not regard it- as a compli- ment to me personally, but to the Confederacy which I represented. Having eaten, "the cloth was removed, and then it was that the fun commenced. The first regular toast was given by the Noble "Woman. It was : " Maophersost." The whole, assembly arose, and I was drunk standing, when the audience called out : " Speech ! " To which I replied : " I thank you, enslaved citizens of New Or- leans, lovely women with shining locks, and eyes radiant with beauty, countenances rivalling those which come to us in our dreams of fairy-land — brave and stalwart men, devoted to the Confederacy, but prudently wait- THE BEGTJLAK TOASTS. 51 in^ for the coming of Stonewall Jackson before, you risk your lives in the glorious cause — French subjects and English marine:^ justly abusive towards the United Statesj and enjoying- its protection — I thank you all for thisrspontaneous and undeserved! manifestation of your \gQtfcb-wfllj but I do not regard it as a compliment to me personally, but to the Confederacy I represent." The second regular toast was then announced: "IB^tMto The -Yankees."" - " : • • • Drunk Standing, and music by the niggeiv, 1 i: : Third regular toast : " Coneosion to FabbAgut.? ? At the mention of' this name the whole assembly tfrhed pale, except the niggerj who instantly struck up ihsMamMolMnsPdUm. Unable to restrain my rage, I ^i^tied two bottles.'without stopping. '•.», - - ■■'■:-* ■•Fourth regular toast : ", Jeff:;I)avis ahbthe Soothv eejst ^oifEEBEEACY-^-may they float ' «e^? the North American. continent j ' "*** But a chap who hadn't said much previously, but had; sat reading the newspapers, approached me and said: "Sir. IMacpherson — for ^^••gsnius and patriotism I 02 THE MACPHEBSON LETTEBS. have the greatest respect; but as for your boy, he is a humbug. The speech which he palmed off on the audience is not original, but was stolen bodily from the Picayunes editorials of the 17th and 19th inst., with a few alterations for the better ; and for my part, I con- sider the young man's idiocy fully established," He then handed me copies of the papers referred to, and, upon examining them, I found that my poor boy had copied his speech, word for word, from them, with some trifling alterations, and I ordered him- to leave the house. " The name of Macpherson," L, said, " is the synonym of honor, and the undying antagonist of pla- giarism, and I do this to show you that the man whom you this night feed, will sacrifice paternal endearment to the principles of integrity." Volunteer toasts were' now called for, and arising with my most fascinating bow, I proposed, "The Ladies." To which the Noble Woman responded: " The ladies of this City, that is, them that deserves to be called ladies, is true to the Confederacy; for the moment that a female is decently civil to a Yankee, she should, and in my estimation does, forfeit the name of lady. I hope the time will come when, like the royal Saxons, from whom we have descended, we may drink champagne from the skulls of our enemies ; and when the freedom of speech and of the press shall be restored, so that those who whisper Union may be hung to a lamp-post." As the Noble "Woman uttered these sublime and patriotic sentiments, I was animated with overpowering admiration, and springing to my feet, I cried : ' O Hebe! step-daughter of cloud-compejling Jove, and MiGitMESSb^lN- DISGRACE. 53 l|©uBe of ferf ent-stf angling Hfef c#ei, now indeed do I believe that Jupiter dismissedthee from the skies, : and sent thee to 'New Orleans! Such elevated' sentiments as the beautiful. lieing' hefo]?e me has expressed^ could not have emanated from lips wholly mortal, and verily do I believe that the sweet, orator who just took her seat is the Hebe of the South, crowned with immortal yqflijth!" •■-.•: -.-j. ,i'-Ui.\- Champagne now flowed down the table; in torrents, and the scene became one of unalloyed .enjoyment. Youth, beauty, geriius<, there mingled together in songs of sweeff accord to. the Confederacy, until one by one *he Quests disappeared^ leaving ■ me alone beneath the spacious *canopy, with an unfinished bottle before me. I tried to think of a ; subject' for my next letter, but all was"'dim/%a;ceft'|tmj'and confused;: As clouds driven by ,ffife*%inds chase' each'Othef fitfully across the pale ^fefete'face, even so flitted the thoughts and visions of Ihfe'iiELderSiglfef ; and as the ho]low sea at last engulfs the wreeked f mariners struggling vainly &£ life, even so were the thoughts' of Maepherson, vainly struggling for fhape, f©rn&, and eonsisteneyj lost in? the wide ocean of unconsciousness. :V '■ '*• ■ li$bad in conclusion, let me warn young men never to drink aay thing intoxicating ; for now it was* that the name- of Macpherson was first ^Ifiughte into disgraced Ifell under the table in a condition of drunken insen- sibility, from which I was partially aroused the next morning by a scream from the Noble "Woman and her daughters. ■ " '•■-■■-.. nilneyj- in fact, entered the dining-room the next morning*4fter the great "festival^ andi there discovered 54 TH*E MACPHEESON LETTEK8. me stretched, upon the floor, with the detested flag which we had so eagerly trodden under foot wrapped about my person, as I had mistaken it for a Confederate blanket. Incensed at an insult so gross, the Noble Woman and her daughters, without giving me time to arouse and explain, fell upon me. with broomsticks, and pokers, driving me into the street. I was still too drunk to realize what had happened, and actually walked the whole length of Canal-street wrapped in the folds of that detested flag, exciting the admiration of all Yankees, the indignation of Confederates, * the grin of darkies, and the loud yells of a procession of boys who followed me to my lodgings. There my Idiotic Boy tore the hated emblem from the person of his ven- erated father, and we put back to Madisonville, without stopping once to drink. Yours in disgrace, James B. Magphersoit. iu-£ujjrxi.c4[$m he. was paying this just tribute to. my intellectual WOrth, the earth suddenly trembled' beneath our feet, as if suffering in the .thrdee of mortal agony; while a howl of terror SiM 1 frenzied panic rolled' trough the swamp in ^whieh we were situated.' 1 v^whizAig* noise penetrated the "branches: of the treesf and fale '< with abject fear,.we saw the 'Gorillas dashing' wudly ! 4hrdu'gb* the woods jffli ' confusion, "crying out in tones like; thoS# of §tentor^'the .feetaan warrior whose voiee' was louder than the combined Voice' of Mffeflty men : - "The: Yanks ! the. Yanks are npbnu¥! ? ' On they .-fiew^g&e* the windsf' while the Unhappy Cuss and mysglf,. were transfixed to the earth, with amazement ■ and l^|^%!.; So'on the wdods around us lashed with the '.Ere ' of musketry, -and the highway;: swarmed, with the red-breeches, which, in my terror, I- ;|^|^gd to be devi% dike those in the opera,: who carry 62 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. off Don Giovanni, as he is taking a drink of champagne. The next thing in the strange chapter of my adven- tures, I was surrounded by a squad of the red-breeches, with fierce looks and flashing bayonets, who demanded an immediate and unconditional surrender to Duryea's Zouaves. I replied that the proud chivalric blood of Macpherson, was at any time prepared to be shed for the Confederacy, but that while I had a leg to stand on, or an arm to smite With, I Would never surrender to a Yankee. Macpherson a Captwe. " Fiddlesticks !" replied the Zouave, rapping me on the head with the butt of his 'musket. My hands were then tied behind me and I was carried to the command- ing officer, a prisoner of war. But let it be known to all men forever, that I did not make anyformal sur- render. I then looked around me to learn the destiny of the Unhappy Cuss, and expected to see him hanging to a limb. I knew that the Yankees prosecute this war on a plan of such bloody and barbarous ferocity, that neither of us had the slightest chance of life. Imagine my amazement, therefore, when I saw the Unhappy Cuss seated on a log, side by side with a Yankee officer, taking a drink, and conversing in the most friendly manner. "I am glad to see you here,"T heard him say to the vile Yankee. " I have a load of cotton here ready to be shipped to New Orleans, and I have been waiting my opportunity for several weeks to slip off with it, and now I shall be able to do so. I hail you as a deliverer f HE: " S0UTHEBN SOtiECE." 63 from the. cruel oppressions:, of ibertr.ait0rs ; there is not an impulse in my heart which is not true to the flag, of fte.IJnian. c:'£e4% take- a,, drink!" • -' " Iijina? !. Base dog ! " I exijlstiined, " the cotton is mine, aSdyou aye a, Confederate Recording to■> '•->"•*■ .' \ ..\...-4 ., ,.-■:..»,■,••.: , .. ■ '.>Who M th&fc IS asked the Yankee office^:#Jntin:g tome..-)'"- •■ :■ 9-u, ' ■■ ' .V -^Jv '•■'-' ".- : Ml- - i'tg A crazy; man whom I hired- by/the; .d^y to watch my cotton," replied the Cuss, "but I discharged; him for evident insanity." > t - *■■«•' .'.■.•„«• Eeader! arei you human ? Has your compassion been 'eviscerated ?;g^hmk'ofsit0h,an M insult te mO, the; great, light of Corifederate 'literaturO, and the iBlato of JM adisonville, and weep withlpity :pfc. the depravity of man. My hands were untied, and I was told to go JtOme> for the Yanjk&e commander s.aidh©' pitied an in- sane man ; to which the Unhappy Cuss responded that fOr this reason he pitied -the; whole -Confederacy.,;;,. *."/ . "Good by, Macpherson," ».h© , said. "Iam.grateM for ^our hospi-talityj and, I -aidprit ; the,, mferipriijy >6f t the Yankee race;" , * »■ ■ *.'::;•.-'• ' '-. i"-,; ■,",'!- K- : ' •• ■' •■ "■::>>' • 4$ " Liar ! — swindler !t— thief ]4— traitor Irr-villain \1*. I r# plied, and started for home. '•jfni&rmew with ike SputJie^Sew^ce.'' ' As I was, going'!a|§|Sg^I gaw a: chap dodge from- beK hind a, tree in the sw/ampy.and waveLhishandjtemesj? J approached,; when in a mysterious tone he whiftperjed^t ;*. "lam a Southern. SfUEce!". .■'.■-",. • .;iii;i '''>•' V' ,; -. : April 4th, 1863. See: -It was midnight, and the pale beams of the heaven-trayessitig moon shonef down upon.. the pellucid bosom of Lake Pontchaftraih,' and streamed through the crevices of my Dilapidated): Hospitable .Abode,;' and silence and Slumbers prevailed among' living men* But I,l^!g5redwith, pity for t&.wrpngl of 1 the Confederacy,, and, like mu©hrplanning.f*iTJ'iysseSj t revolving many thoughts in my mmd/v^as Op more able to sleep than was . Calypso, inconsolable at the. i$eparture of ; her' Gre- cian heror *; Therefore, I arose from my lofty couch, and in gloomy meditation, walked to the banks; of the Tchefunctay whose beautiful^ .muddy w&ter,;,seeme(|,.;to be r a,reflex of niy o'wh "sombre and philosophic thoughts. ■ Seating myself upop.. the. all : npurishing, earth,, I thus poured, out my soul to the -noble river: ?./ .. "Q Tchefitocta I, thou,, whose beautiful mud' is as clear as* the hopeSvPf the J^p^ederacy,, listen to?, the moans of thy'philosbphite 1 son! -Tell me, ye lonely depjths pf dirt r ! ^b^lh&r^in p, time pf national calamity, with the stars and stripes floating over the bloodstained, height^ Of Pbntchatoula, a philosophic mind may devote itself to the-pursuit of ocault.teuth, or whether it be not the duty of every Confederate, even though, like me,, he be gifted with a mammoth JJjlttif to bare his arm in the cause ofhis, country ? I pause fpr a reply." Havings! delivered" this '•> eloquent apostrophe to the 68 THE MA.CPHEBSOST LETTEKS. noble river, I fell partially asleep, when I heard a mys- terious voice, crying from the depths : " Bare the arm ! bare the arm !" "I will!" I responded; "for in that voice I recog- nize a Confederate sign and miracle, surpassing in won- der the dreams of the Picayune ; and I shall forthwith proceed with my long-cherished design of forming a Congo Body Guard." I then went to sleep, when I was suddenly aroused by a kick in the back, which sent me headforemost into the muddy depths of the sluggish Tchefuncta. " Spirit !" I exclaimed, " who but recently spake to me from these waters, unless, indeed, my eyes were bent on vacancy, and I with incorp®real air did hold discourse, receive thy son, and assist him to reach dry land!" I then waded back, comparing myself to Venus, who rose from the sea, while the moist-blowing west wind wafted her in soft foam along the waves, and the gold-filleted Seasons received her on the shores of Cyprus, clothed her in immortal garments, placed a golden wreath upon her head, and led her to the assem- bly of the gods. And as I wallowed in the mud of the noble river, I exclaimed : " I am the Yenus of Madi- sonville, arising from the Tchefuncta, and waiting for immortal honors !" I then stepped upon the bank, when a wild mule kicked at me and brayed, and I found that I had mis- taken the mule's familiar voice for a Confederate mir- acle, and that the heels of the said animal had given me midnight baptism. Nevertheless, I accepted the advent of the mule as a celestial sign, and immediately mounting the same, I started for New Orleans. ' THE SOUXABBT HQg gBMfl K 69 Ifbad ^oeeeded seventy-five rods on my journey, when my attention was attracted, by the : clatter of a horse's* hoofs, and soon the Solitary Horseway /whose, appearance and history have Keen fully described by the , late 'Mr. JameSy bnrst upon .my Vision. Immedi-; ately I apostrophized him as the Confederacy, for the seat of theNewJS"ation is to be a Cavalier, and I found the Solitary Horseman to be the lecm ideal of a Confed- erate gentlemani* V/Kb sooner had I spoken, than he dismounted his foam- ing steed, and embracing my knees r exclaimed> ^^.tA.tlasfr X behold thee, Confederate. Plato^ Venus of If^dkonville, and cHefes^Jighfcof Confederate^ letters ! I am 'the delegate of •threelthdusand' citizens' of New Or- leans, who have charged me to express to you the pro- found respectrwhiehrthej?. 'entertain ,for ; your august person, and invite :you to attend a Grand Charity Fair to-morrow-' evening, Tat th©/^esidence «of< a.rgentlpinlaidj whose heart is;;. as true to the Confederacy; as is Jacob [Barker's to his safe^ ■■■, Charity," continued, the Cavalier, "Jake the dews of .heasen,.:fails upon the lowly, and the poor ; .and when I think of/the hard lot of the Unhappy^ orphan, cast upon the heartless world without agnidingj] a^d^rbteeting hand, my heart is torn with a thousand pangslo^agonyj aftd the hot bipod goes,irashkigj wildly through- my rswollen ..y«ins>' O JVfacpherspn!. let us weep for the unhappy lot of the- popr and debased orphan4<"' ■iThe Solitary Horseman burst out in a fit of inconso-fi lable ieara as: he^ uttered this sublimely charitable* sen- 70 THE MACTHEESON LETTERS. timent, and I was about to press his gentle hand in mine, when the Wild Mule gave an awful Jack which frustrated my affectionate design. The brave Cavalier then mounted and we dashed furiously along the high- way. " Is this Fair political ?" I asked. "It is charitable, charitable, Macpherson," he replied — " a Fair in behalf of the Protestant Uniform Asy- lum, an institution for the manufacture of graybaeks, where the weary Confederate may find rest, and the naked Confederate may become clothed." " Who hath contributed thereunto ?" I inquired. Much to my astonishment, the tender-hearted Cava- lier burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, which arose far above the clatter of his horse's hoofs. " That's the joke !" he shouted, as his beautiful laugh rolled through the lonely swamp; "that's the joke !— 4he Yankees have contributed ! Tickets were. sold for ten cents apiece, and in the blessed name of Charity, sweet mother of the helpless, we sold many tickets to Union, men and women, and Yankee officers!" Eeining in my Wild Mule, I cried aloud : " Then indeed do I wash my hands of this matter ;. for I will take no part in a Fair, evenfor Charity, if base Yankee gold is mingled with the spotless currency of the Con- federacy !" The Cavalier whistled, as he drew from his pocket a Hichmond Exam/mer, and read the price of gold, $5.25, and an advance of two hundred per cent, in a week. " Be not too hasty, Confederate Plato," he observed. " You .are aware that the end justifies the means; and in the present instanee the great end to be achieved is BTAOPHEBSON AT 'THE TAJE. - 71 to 'clothe the/Gohfederacy. To rob a Yankee or to deceive a Yankee is the 'highest; Virtue of the Confed- eracy, "i And since the grinding tyranny of 'the United Spates will Hot permit us to: operate openly, we invoke the broad mantle of Charity, which we will cut up and make into Confederate uniforms !" > " Give me thine honest hand, sweet messenger of be- nevolence!" I exclaimed, V. Charity, indeed,, sbalt cover a multitude of sins ; and the mantle; of Charity?.' is gray in the Confederacy." Itfwas night before we reached the. city, and as the mud of the Tehefuhcta still adhered conspicuously to my person, I determined to go to' the St. Charles and | take abath before attending: the Fair. But. as we were riding towards that massive structure, the Solitary Horseman suddenly reined i» bis v sfeedy and pointing to a palatial abode, said : "This is the placed isten I" - ,'■&:■ epnfnsed. din of lovely voices, strains: of angelic musie^ and trippings of the light fantastic toe came to my ears, grateful as the odor of Louisiana Rum to a thirsty Confederate; for I knew that every lovely Vdice was a Confederate voice, every strain a. Confed- erate strain,' and every light fantastic toe a Confeder- : ate toe.. Macpherson'a MstT'aordinary Advent at the .Fair. I was about to hasten to the baths, when my "Wild Mule kicked with extraordinary violence, "lifting me •cje&n from his back, tossing We over, the fence and through |he open door of the palatial .abode,' and land- ingf me oraj the hall on my face, with a force which caused the blood to ooze freely from my nostfili, and 72 THE MA0PHEE8ON BETTERS. mingle its crimson hues with the imud* of the Tche- functa, which still adhered conspicuously to my person. The hall was crowded with beautiful Confederate girls ; and as I arose from my recumbent posture, with my ciasseial mind slightly confused by the vio- lence of the concussion, I imagined myself in a Vestal temple. I therefore cried aloud : " O lovely Confeder- ate Vestals, who attend the sacred flame, fear not me, for I am the Venus of Madisonville; and my only re- gret is that, placing her hand upon the head of Jupiter, your goddess swore perpetual celibacy." The Vestals then joined hands and danced around me, to the en- livening strains of the Pontohatoula Quickstep, and the Great Host approaching, bade me welcome to the abode of Charity, " Allow me to inquire," I said, " whether you have obtained permission to hold this Fair ?" " I did not deem it necessary," he replied, " for I consulted a gentleman who- has held a similar concern at his house, and he assured me that permission was not necessary. I trust the time will soon eome when we can worship the Confederacy according to the dic- tates of our own consciences, with none to molest or make us afraid, and when the ladies can spit in the face of Yankees in the streets with impunity." " Amen !" I responded to this noble and patriotic prayer. The Great Host lovingly took my arm, and, conduct- ing me to an obscure corner, pointed in a mysterious manner to a pile of publications. " To yon," he said, " the great light of Confederate letters, I need not ex- patiate upon the beauties and blessings of literature ; I CONFEDERATE TBACTATEB. 73 negd not telVj^ou, of the power of the press, which en- ables us to prison the public mind, and inundate the l|&d wJith,, Confederate principles." He then handed me two beautiful Confederate. tracts,:one them entitled "The Battle of the Ilandkerehiefs" m& the other '"'TJie Battle of the .Fain", m$. informed hie that the price was two bJ*- S; eac h, which sum I gladly paid as he informed me the proceeds of those two beautiful and, patriotic publications , would go towards clothing the,C,onfederacy, .'■:■■ ..... ■, ■..•■-,.■.;, ,>-<>■ ■ " Perhaps," he remarked, ^ you would . like to see the author of ,those- great works of genius and patri- otism." , •.. , i ^ . ,"I should rejoice, to know him," I replied; "for herein I find the evidences of that peculiar .genius and grace which belongs, in. a greater or less degree, to every thing Confedera|e,j"< "' i ' " You shall be igrS^fif^ he> answered ; and he im- mediately led me face to. face withmy Idiotic Boy! ',' ; There he, is!" said the Great Host; "look upon' the autho^of those beautifuLproductioiis of the human intellect." ,.,••■' JMy double > surprise may be imagined. I supposed the , imbecile youth was quigtly sleeping in his mother's arms ; but tq find him there, surrounded by a galaxy of youth and beauty, and to learn, that he was a full- fledged Confederate author, overpowered me with amazement and gratitude. " Happy father of such a son !" I exclaimed, clasping him to my muddy bosom, " who in early life devotes, the energies of : his idiotic brain to the true path of rectitude, and contributes the efforts of his intellect tp. the great and heaven-ordained 74 THE MACPHKESON LETTEBS. behests of Charity, by furnishing mental pabulum to the followers of, the naked Confederacy!" • Just then the Idiot dodged behind me, and pointing to a lady across the room, said: "Shield me, for the love of heaven!" What is the row, sweet Idiot?" I inquired. " It is my misfortune to know that lady," he replied. "I have eaten at the same table, drank wine from the same bottle, played whist and euchre with the same cards. But she is a Union woman, and it will be a disgrace to recognize her here." " Well said, dear Idiot," I responded. " But show yourself worthy of your revered father and of the Con- federacy you represent." " I will !" he exclaimed, tearing his hair with vehe- ment determination, and then walking coldly by the Yankee woman, without recognizing her. ■• Afterwards he watched his opportunity and winked at her, in order, if possible, to save her good opinion without compro- mising himself. " Sir !" I said with a frown of Confederate displeas- ure upon my features, and addressing myself to the Great Host: "You are a registered enemy of the United States, and I was not prepared for the affront put upon me by the presence of a Yankee woman." "Gas!" responded the Great Host, his eyes gleam- ing like two burners, "you are over zealous. It is pos- sible that the vile tyranny under which we groan, will summon me to answer for this night's business, and the presence of a few Yankees is a shield against sus- picion." I now proceeded to examine the spacious apartments ; ■THE CONFEDERATE SEAL. 75 and at every step I found something to gladden my Confederate •Heart. ■< I learned that beautiful maidens of tender 'years had worked with the mothers' of ' the i :TWy, day after day, and night after night, in manufac- turing miniature Confederate flaggy which they brought here and' sold at "high prices, the proceeds; all g-oing: in# the Confederate 1 treasury. I saw ? alBoi' Confeder- ate d'olMsiabies, jCbhfed^rate roosters and hebs, Coated-' erate 'p||f$"' ^&d%' Of stigar, Confederate' dog's! and Con- federate alligators^al-L manufactured by fair haiwlslin obedience to the dictates of charity.-" But the princi- pal feature of the evening was a Confederate donkey, I . gayly 'dapariiotied, on which sat my Idiotic Boy, wav- ; irig the proud banner of the New Nation, and winking at the girls. ■ • '•;..!- .' '. : , *,"- The\ Great Qmf ^derate. Seal. "That Donkey and that boy," remarked a bystander, "are the proper' and fitting emblems of the'Coufed- eracy. I see that our Congress is disoussirigs the pro- priety of adopting' a Cavalier as the' seal of the New Nation ; and I for one recommend Maepherson's Idiotic Boy mounted on a Donkey as the most expressive and appropriate Boy and ;Beast that can be found to repre- sent the Confederacy." * ' .-, It ^eb' suggested that I myself, mounted on my •Wild- Mule,' would do better ; but the opinion of. the audience Was in favor of l»hre Idiot, ahdso I 'yielded my claims j^cefulff; soothing 'my^disappointed ambition with the sg^shingstreatoi''df paternal pride. '~.-H ."During all this time the piano was sending forth its angeMe' strains, thef keys- thereof being thumbed by 76 THE MACPHKESON LETTERS. snowy delicate fingers, whose gentle touch upon the temples might soothe a tiger's rage, or thaw the cold heart of a conqueror. The Bonnie Blue Flag was played, as the most popular air ; . but whenever that air was struck, I observed that twelve persons immediately left the room, and put cotton in their ears. I demand- ed of the Great JETost the cause of this extraordinary proceeding, which appeared to me to be an insult to the Confederacy. The Great Host applied his forefinger to the side of his nose, giving the end a twist and winking- as he re- pliedj "Witnesses!" " "What witnesses !" I inquired. " You see, Macpherson," he replied, " that my case may come up in court, and it is possible that some who are here may have the baseness to testify that The Bonnie Bkie Flag was performed on that piano. In such a case it will become necessary for me to prove that it was not played. So I have arranged to have twelve witnesses be present through the whole perform- ance and not hear it. If the tune was actually played it is morally certain that these twelve persons must have heard it ; and these witnesses live in a Christian community, and are, as you will perceive, persons of the highest respectability. Cotton will do it, Mac- pherson — cotton will do it !" " Cotton is king," I answered ; " and your case is sure to succeed. When I was justice of the peace in Madisonville, a case came up precisely like yours. Citizen Jenkins accused my nephew, PeterMacpherson, of stealing a pig, and brought three creditable witnesses, MACPHEESON ON MfiMOEf. 77 who swore positively that they saw Peter steal him. But Pete brought four men of the highest respectability, Over from New Orleans, who swore ' quite as positively that they did not see him steal the swinish animal ; and on this testimony I was bound to acquit him. Negative testimony is sure to win in courts that take a proper view of ' events, particularly if iHi' m^gMMte 1 is an uncle of the accused^ as in the case referred to." The night wore away, and our delightful Confederate communion strengthened our weary souls. At a late hour I was called on for a speech, and wishing to ap- pear in my true character, as a Confederate philosopher, I proceeded to deliver an original phrenological dis- course, on one of the most important bumps which the human head contains. Jfacpherson on Mew,ory. " Ladies and' gentlemen," I said ; " proud children of our great Confederate parent, and you of the rising generation ; as mile-boards are set up on the highway to indicate the direction in which the roads run, so hath nature built bumps on the human cranium, to in- dicate the bent of character, and the destiny of man. "The most important of these bumps indicates the organ of Memory ; and in looking around on this audi- ence I see by a glance at that bump that you'are all Confederates. The' Confederate bump of Memory is peculiar in this, that it has the gift of remembering every thing to its own credit and infee's^' with the most wonderful distinctness. Indeed, it remembers more than the facts will justify. At the same time it is wholly incapable of remembering any thing contrary T8 THE MACPHBBSON LETTERS. to the plans, wishes, principles, and interests of the Confederacy. For instance, it remembers that George "Washington was a Yirg'inian, and a slaveholder ; but it forgets stubbornly and hopelessly that he was a strong Union man, and freed his slaves on his death- bed. It remembers that gold arose in New York to 173, but it forgets that it tumbled down faster than it rose. It remembers that the Mississippi was sunk at Port Hudson, but it forgets that the Hartford and Al- batross went by. It remembers that Beauregard won the battle of Manassas, but it forgets that the Yankees whipped the devil out of us at Fort Donelson. Such, ladies, gentlemen, and rising generation, are the char- acteristics of the Confederate bump of Memory — char- acteristics of which I am proud, and which I see per- vade every head in this great charity fair. "Were you called on to swear to-morrow before a Yankee court, whether a Confederate flag was displayed here to-night, could you remember seeing it ? No ! Were you asked whether the Bonnie Bhie Flag was played on that piano, could you remember" that you heard it ? No I Were you asked whether any disloyal sentiment has been expressed here to-night, could you remember hear- ing it ? No !■ — for you are all loyal to the great princi- ples of the new nation, and may r God bless you, and the Confederate bump of Memory forever !" Arrest of the Idiotio Boy. This speech was received with loud applause, and we were about to separate, when a clamor arose in the street. " A Confederate rising ! — to arms ! — to arms !" A MAKTVbH^F JTBEEDOM. 79 I shouted; '; the day of deliverance has come I— Stone- wall Jackson has arrived with nineteen hundred thou- sand patriots !" With; this exclamation I rushed into the street, the excited- assemblage following at my heels, when I found that my Idiotic Boy had been- arrested for hurrahing for Jeff. Davis publicly, and basely im- prisoned in a Yankee jail. "Martyr of freedom!" I cried; "I am proud that.the spirit of the Macphersons has not been crushed, and I resign thee to: a gloripug death and a crown of martyrdom ■■!"_ • • ••: I. found, however, that the-penalty for 4h.e offense was $2.50, and soon a puree, of $200 was made up, the fine paid, and, the boy released, with the balance jiiig- ling in his pocket. As he left, the court-room he set up another tremendous roar for Jeff. Davis, when he was ;jiaicnediately arrested again, and ;fined $2.50. more. "I appeal to the Confederates," I said, " to assist my son to get his release from the vile Yankee tyrants." Im- mediately another contribution of $200 was made up, the fine paid, and tbe> boy released, with a clear balance of $395 m his pocket ; and with this we immediately* returned to Madisonyule, ? . . ; I must now conclude my eighth epistle, to The Era. What is writ is writ. Would it were worthier, The winding up reminds me that I jam mortal; and as that is a subject'. I do not like .#©• reflect upon, I turn my philosophic eye to .the unfading glory of thi ; Confeder- acy , and there I behold unendingj)ower and immortal honor. : The stars shall fade, but the Confederacy shall endure forever. Yours, weekly,. James, B. Macphebsoh. 80 THE MACPHEHSON LETTEES. P. S. — Since writing the above, I have r received the following letter from my son Louis T. "Wigfall : Port Hudson, April 2. " Dad : — Give My love to the Great Hoast, and to the bewtiful ladies which attended the Charity Fare. I have received the uniform they sent Me, and it's the only rag of close I've had sense I sold the nine sntes which was given Me by the ladies as I left New Or- leans on the Empire Parish. " While a heart beats in My Bosom, it will vibrate with the Gratitude of Tour patriotic Sun, LOUIS T. WlGHFALL MaOPHEESOJT. THE CONFEDERATE AfiOHnlEltES. 81 CHAPTEK IX. The Confederate Arithmetic. •■ Madisonville, La., April 11th, 1863: Sib :— On Tuesday last I sat on the boft&m of an in- verted brass kettle -in my door-yard, training up my IdiMic Boy in the way he should gbjand'rejoi'Qilig to find his demented brain so capable of absorbing" the ideas which underlie the Confederacy. " I am," I said to him, '4he Confederate Archimedes. Never, since this great planetary system was called into existence, has there been a nation whose glory and power could compare with the Confederacy which I represent. Wherever the glorious flag of' the new nation floats, freedom of speech and of the press prevails to an alarm- ing extent. " The resources of the Confederacy are inexhaustible. 1 Ever since the formation of the Unionj f the South has supported the North; and therefore it was, that as soon-; 1 as the South withdrew from the concern, the North was reduced to poverty and famine. Grass now grows in Broadway, and in the Central Park of New York. . A reliable g^tleman who has just returned from that place, assures me; that he pastured his horse in front of- the Astor Housey during: his sojourn in that deserted and ruined city. ,.<„.'•'; "But the Confederacy can never become impo^ir;-? ished; and I will now explain to you the principles of ■'.''■:• 4* ' ,. ; . • ' i 82 THE MACPHEBSOH LETTEES. the Confederate Arithmetic — principles of the greatest simplicity, yet productive of astounding results. " The Confederate Arithmetic has two rules. Multi- plication and Subtraction. Multiplication is only em- ployed in the affairs of the Confederacy, and Subtrac- tion in the affairs of the Federals. . The Confederate MultdpUcation-table. "The Confederate multiplication-table, my Sweet Idiot," I continued, " employs two numbers — ft and 50. multiplied by 50 equals 50. represents the basis of Confederate currency, and by multiplying it by 50 you get $50 in cash. Multiply 'this by 50 again, and you have $2,500; and this once more multiplied by 50, gives you $125,000 ; . and this again multiplied, gives you $6,250,000 ; and so on, until the Confederate Treas- ury groans beneath its enormous and insupportable burden of cash. " The rule here laid down also applies to military operations. A Colonel sends out a Captain on a scout- ing expedition, and represents the number of Yankee prisoners actually captured. This the Captain multi- plies by 50, and reports to the Colonel that he has bagged 50 Yankees. The Colonel then multiplies by 50 in his report to the Brigadier General ; the Brigadier General multiplies by 50 in his report to the Division General ; the Division General multiplies by 50 in his report to the Commander of the Department; the Commander of the Department multiplies by 50 in his report to the Secretary of War ; the Secretary of War multiplies by 50, and sends -it to the Jackson Appeal ; the editor of that sheet multiplies by 50 and prints it, CONFEDERATE ARITHMETIC. 83 and the Southern Source them? multiplies by 50 and starts for New Orleans, and by the time the report gets to the St. Charles Hotel, we hare captured thirty-five trillion sixty-two billion and five hundred million (35,062,500,000,000) Yankee prisoners, as any one will see who will work out the sum according to the princi- ples of the Confederate Arithmetic: " Every thing in the Confederacy is multiplied by 50. But when we speak of f&& affairs of the United States, we apply the second great rule of the Confederate Arithmetic, which is as follows : Confederate Rule of Subtraction. " Deduct from, every Federal number twice its actual amount. Thus: a Federal scouting party captures 100 Confederates. From this 100 you must deduct 200, which leaves a balance of 100 in our favor ; and instead of the Yankees getting 100 Confederates, the Confederates get 100 Yankees. It was by this rule that Gen. Bragg. defeated Rosecrans. " Thus, Sweet Idiot," I said, " I have explained to you those.--, great fundamental laws of mathematics which„ underlie the Confederacy; and I am the Confed- erate Archimedes, he who was equally skilled in as- tronomy, geometry, mechanics, hydrostatics, and optics, in all of which he -excelled, and produced many ex* traordinary inventions ; but, in my opinion, notwith- standing his miraeulous skill as displayed in the defense- of Syracuse, he never conceived an idea so grand as the Confederate Arithmetic." Yours, mathematically, James B. Maophebson: 84 THE MACFBERSON LETTERS. CHAPTEE X. HYMN OP SALVATION. BY JAMES B. MACrilttESON, Poet Laureate of Madisonville. Smite and slay the savage Yankee I Break and pulverise his bones ! It is done ; and I will thank thee, Great Confederate Paul Jones 1* Lo ! E. Pluribus and Unum Now are rolling in the dirt ! Brave Gonfederate.who hast hewn 'em, Rise and put on a clean shirt I Now the Pelican is flopping His broad wings in feather high; On, Confederacy ! no stopping — Every Yankee Dog shall die I Never more an Extra Era Shall announce a blown-up Queen ;* Oh, P. Jones, you are my deary, And the biggest brick I've seen I Light is breaking from the heaven I Yea, it streams athwart the sky [ I myself can slay eleven — Every Yankee Dog shall die! New Orleans has been delivered ! Do you ask the reason why? Fate's designs Bhall be uncivered — Every Yankee Dog shall die ! "Queen of the West," a vessel captured by the rebels, after having run the Vicksburg batteries, and destroyed during the cam- paign of General Banks up the Teche, in the spring of 1868. She was commanded by Fuller, who aspired to the title of the Confed- erate Paul Jones ! A SUBLIME FAITH. 85 CHAPTER XI. M4CPHERSON DEDICATES, HIMSELF TO WAR AND IjARCENT. -'• HElES«kilW*R^, l THE^,ONES* JEW-,.:,. Louisiana Lowlands Low, .',,■' '.,if4-yal. 25th, 1863. Sir: — For some .fjsifl tumors of the ; most painful nature reached my earsj while, in my dilapidated hos- pitable abode at Hadisonville, I wa§ preparing my mind to offer my life in.;th<§- sapr.ed cause of the Con- federacy. I read in The: Era? that Gen. Banks had advanced from Brashear City with a, large force of Hes- sians^ and thai the blessed sons of the Confederacy had been whipped, their gunboats destroyed, and their .transports captured or s'uufer while they, were running before the! vile, Yafl^ee foe or falling irito the hands of Ibid. But I did not believe it. I swore it could not. he true ; for wfth* that sublinTie^i'th in the Confederacy which leads our people to ateeeive Confederate eurre^<§$|| and to set facts at deft'ance^T'scWned these statements; asYarikee inventions and falsehoods. , I knew that I ^yTf - ' ... •was the only contributor for* The. Era who dared; to 7 speak the truth, and blow the Confederate trumpet, *#Kl so long as the 'Twue l)dta aM the Picayune. had. not a word to say' on the subject, which they hadn't' for many days, I ■ possessed; my sublime soul in Con- fe^er|^ep*atfence, and clothed ;and fortified my serene mind with stoical Confederate disbelief in ever* word uttered by a Yankee. 86 THE MACPHKRSON LETTERS. But on Wednesday last I was aroused from ray dream of security and Confederate bliss, when the Picayune, a paper in which I have full faith, broke the long and pleasing silence that had sealed its lips, and made known to me that there was at least some foundation for the diabolical reports in The Era which had ap- peared from time to time a week or ten days before. Then it was that, resting my teeth upon the leg of a chair, I gave myself up to momentous meditations. Before my mind arose the incredible vision of Confed- erates flying before Yankees, and I cried aloud : " Ig- noble, debased villain that I am !— why sit I here while my countrymen starve and run leaving their bones behind them to bleach upon the bloody field of car- nage, and while one of the children of my loins lan- guishes in a loathsome dungeon in Baronne street? A rise, Macpherson ! abandon the seductive paths of philosophy and poetry, buckle on a C. S. plate, shoulder a double-barrelled shot-gun, and plunge headlong into the deep-flowing tide of Yankee homicide and larceny !" I then arose ia my terrible might, while my dilapi- dated hospitable abode trembled to the top of the stove-pipe beneath the massive heel of my new boots, with which I smote the quaking ground ; and I swore by the mud image of Jeff. Davis, which had just been set up by my Idiotic Boy, that I never would wash my face or taste a drop of water until I had exterminated every Yankee, man, woman, and child, in the States of Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, and the First Con- gressional District of Texas ! " Not drink any water, James !" exclaimed my wife, in a tone of astonishment ; " what will you drink ?" "Rum!" I answered, with a voice like bellowing tjiundet; "rum, my love! and rum alone 1" ' Therefore ijT j dedicated; myself to the. god of war: " Mars!" I exclaimed, " the. fatherless, son of Juno, whose delight w.as in contest and strife, and who wast a warrior of severe countenance, withficuipassaad; an' ^Lvgive shield Jlp^i; thine arm ! —thee I invoke, and to theelj dedicate. my ya&wis"M99M from; my nos- trils atew^ step. '< .;...''""'■ :>■>, '■■... The Honest Jew. Just after crossing the Yankee .lirieS}£l encountered an individual who informed me that he Was>an Honest Jew. "Eight glajl'-' am -JL ,tQ.:meet yon, my noble -friend," I said.: " for .hpjigsj>. men are. scarce in th^ge- ! unwholesome days. I trust; : you:are. an Israelii^. in whom,th er e-js no guile.". r4 r . ; •:- '''-.,■ " I ish^^l;'t^^f3^^0^^ffi^6t!S t &w ; " and vat I say, dat pe.trute.". - ■- •> •; _ ',■' ■ ••; ,y ■•... .,. "^hen," I answered, "you are. a gj^dl Confederate ; for Confederates alone are :: e^^lklof r sj§e^ang the- . trath," . c, r „;>'::.. ■ .;■: ."",:. '.,-'••; ">'•• '-:; r: i.y , '■ 4|;YpuvT^b,vun little pit," returned; the guileless Is- raelite^ "an'^, shblv' you |< make, seventeen hunder- tollar in fifteen mi nastes^.!'' "J|awF tasked..:,^ - *Iishut up Yankee's eye." :The.jSohest : J0w then beckoned, me to follow kirn; . A^joaehin^th6;||ankee senj|tel,»|^^§yr: 88 THE MACPHERS.ON LETTEBS. "I habe tree hunder tollar goods back ^yonder. I take'*em across that bayou I get two tousan'. JSTow you must shut your eye vile I goes py, an' I gives you fifty tollar!" " ' .--:•.■,,,■ < " All right," replied the Yankee sentinel,- " give me the $50 and I'll shut my eye while you pass." The Honest Jew paid the Yankee the sum specified, and the Jew went back after Jais goods* < But I noticed that the sentinel called the corporal of the guard and had some private conversation with him, after which the corporal disappeared. Soon the Jew came up with his goods, and the Yankee sentinel didn't see him at all when he passed ; but he hadn't got fifty yards before the corporal and four men dodged out from behind a tree and arrested him. His goods were seized and confiscated, and -he was told that if he ever tried such a dodge again, he •would be sent to Fort Jackson with a ball and chain to his leg. " Var's mine fifty tollar ?" said the Honest Jew, shaking his fist at the Yankee sentinel. " I have it," replied the base Yankee dog ; " you gave it to me to shut my eyes while you passed, apd I fulfilled my part of the bargain."* I then resumed my journey to ISTew Orleans, accom- panied bf, the Israelite in whom there jfcfcais no guile, and whose deep-heaving sighs and groans- of agony over his loss, touched me with pity» and filled 1 my mind with tenfold anger against the foul despotism of the United States. * A true incident. ED. THE HONEST MW: 8 ; 9 \ --5 ■ ■ • "M^^elest afld, honest 'friend," I said' to him, "you are a victim of unmitigated villany and iron op- pression. Toil would do good by supplying the Con- federacy and getting rich at the same time ; but the damnable and debased despotism of the United States Steps in your ■way !" , ' ■' ■■•. ";Qh, I pe very boor — very boor, indeed !•" groaned the Israelite in whom there was no guile. " My boor friend !••*• I exclaimed, clasping him to my bosoMj "I will avenge thy; manifold wrongs. I have dedicated myself to Mars, the death-scattering hero of Bfeody:- war s ; and now I also dedicate myself to Hermes, the god of thieves, and the son of Jupiter and Maia •. he whose first act wis to steal the cattle of Apollo. Henceforth, I am the champion of larceny, and I swear Uy /the soul of the Confederacy, that I will not rest from toil and labor until I have stolen a horse!'*" "" '* -' ', " You gives him to me, eh % " asked the Jew, his eyes lighting up With eager fire. .../' ..> " Yes," I replied, " I'll give him to thee| my wronged and. outraged friend." - *',; ■•'"-' ^'* " '; " But tree horses only ■ make me cood for" mine coods." ""' ■ : ~-'--'~ ■■.. ' " ; ■;■ •■ - ■"■' '•■■'•"" "Then .three shalfr thou ftve " I exclaimed. " Yes, I swear it by the honor of a Confederate Warrior, that I will steal three horses for this outraged Jew, and one for myself before I consent tea cessation of hostilities, or return to the ; pursuits of philosophy in .Madison- ville" ' :: "< ■-■■The Honest Jew pressed me to his bosom as we ^jSp-ted in New Orleans, and promised to wait at the 90 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. Opelousas Depot, in Algiers, until I should send him the three horses. Successful Scheme of Fvnance. It was about this time that I put into practical op- eration a great scheme of finance that I had studied out in my secluded and ineditative hours, in my dilap- idated hospitable abode at Madisonville, and I found that it worked to perfection. The principle is as follows: Never invite a man to drink, but always drink when you are asked. By the application of this simple rule, you get for your own use all the liquor you pay for, and also get a good deal which doesn't cost you any thing. I crossed the river on the Canal-street ferry-boat, with the firm determination not to pay a cent for food, lodging, or transportation, during my travels. Since then I have passed through many scenes, which it will require a long letter to describe, and I hereby give notice to the public that my Twelfth, Epistle will be devoted to a full and authentic account of my travels in the Louisiana Lowlands Low, and to a description of the many strange adventures I have encountered. Yours unremittingly, James B. Macpheeson. BANKS'S TEOHE OAMPAI&N.: 91 .'. CHAPTER XII; TjJE {xREAT pONFEDERATE TRAVELLER DESCRIBES Ills' JoURNET THRotjog the Louisiana Lowlands Low. , ,.' Note. — Algiers is the name of a small town opposite New Orleans. ItcpntaiiisJJie' depot of -the Opelousas railroad. Ferry aecommodar tions are imiserable. , At. the time this letter was written, General Bteks's brilliant '; campaign through the Teche country was in prog- ress, and had already resulfed4nrthe destruction of the rebel army of Western Louisiana. Two thousand prisoners had been captured, and a considerable number of them had been confined in the Belle- ville. Iron Works in Algiers, which led' Mr. Macpherson to suppose that the building was. in possession of the Confederates.— — The rebel army which was so. effectually dispersed or /destroyed by the movement of General Banks,. was, in. command of Gen. Richard Tay- lor; a son'of " Old Zackj" the hero and patriot, whose devotion tohis country has jeiyleredvhis ... name dear to every true American. As Gen. Banks's campaign through the .Teche , country seems /not to have been generally 'understood at the time, the author will briefly 'j|ive what he supposes to have been the theory of the movement. ",Why>" it was , ajsked, '( should the United ; States t forces march through a country; take possession of it, and forthwith . abandon itj, 9Pi$n£ ! the inhabitant's who, expecting protection, had shown a love" teethe Union, to suffer, thej.penalty of rehel vengeance ? This would be a '.pertinent inquiry under ordinary drcumst&nce%,.but. the^ author believes a brief statement of facts will explain this matter to the sat- isfaction of every impartial reader^ - i ?'*' ' ; '" '' '••.*' The great object>which General Banks must have had in view, was . the capture of Port Hudson and the opening of the Mississippi river. But Port Hudson MP* a hundred and fifty miles above New Orleans, andr in : erder: to invest it successfully, the General required ©Very soldier ih ! the department.* Indeed, with every soldier, his force Was Seemingly inadequate to the undertaking. The rebel garrisoja| of Port Hudson, atthe time of Its investment, in Jfoy; 1863, number, ed seven thousandeffectiVe men, and at no time during, the siege dift Gen. Banks command more than ten thousand effective men. His lhpsiwere necessarily much longer, than those of the enemy, and: the advantages were all with the garrison, except in the matter of Sup- 92 THE MACPHEKSON LETTERS. plies. In order to besiege Port Hudson, then, -with, any prospect of success, it was necessary that he should take every available man that could be spared. But Taylor, Moriton, and Sibley were in Western Louisiana with a large force of rebels, and if he moved his entire army to Port Hudson, he left his rear and New Orleans itself exposed to the enemy. As he had not a sufficient force to watch the enemy in Western Louisiana and to invest Port Hudson at the same time, it was necessary to destroy the rebel army of Western Louisiana before Port Hudson could be invested. And this work was most successfully accomplished. The Army of the Gulf accomplished a inarch of three hundred miles in twenty days, fighting four battles and winning as many victories. The first battle was at Camp Bis land, christened after a planter by that name, whose plantation, now a picture of ruin and desolation, is situated on the Teche, between Berwick City and the village of Franklin. The rebel army of West ern Louisiana was completely broken up and destroyed by the cam- paign ; and having accomplished this indispensable preliminary step, Gen. Banks at once moved his whole force against Port Hudson. Such, the author believeB, was the theory of the Teche campaign — a campaign which, in rapidity of movement, in general management and important results, has not been surpassed in the history of this war, if we take into account the number 6f men engaged. Brashear City (why will people call such insignificant places cities 1) is situated on Berwick Bay, near the confluence of the Teche and Atchafalaya rivers. It was the- base of supplies in the' Teche cam paign, and the more recent movement by which the rebel army was drawn out of Texas, opening the way for the success of the expedi tion to the Rio Grande. The place was recaptured by the rebels in June, 1863, almost without resistance by our forces ; and large quan tities of stores, ammunition, and a considerable number of prisoners, fell into the hands of the enemy. After the fall of Port Hudson, how ever, the rebels hastily evacuated the place, and just in time to escape capture. It is about ninety miles from New Orleans to the west- ward, and the OpelouBas Bailroad has its present termini at Algiers and Brashear City. The country between the two places is very low, and wide forests are seen on either hand. There are plenty of alliga- tors to be seen sunning themselves, and some are .of enormous size; although it requires the Confederate arithmetic to make them five hundred feet long, as has been done by Mr. Macpherson. The au- thor made the journey described in the following letter (i: e. as fax as Brashear City), in the. latter part of April, for the first time; and his experience at the Brashear City Hotel can only be appreciated by those who have visited " the Great Temple of Wisdom." He has connected the philosophy of Macpherson with the ancient mythology, : , FAREWELL TO THE CRESCENT CITY. 93 because the credulity, mendacity,.passions,. and habits of the secession- ists, miore properly belong to the.jeligion of a pagan country than tq£ a land and. an age of civilisation. 1 Gov Moore, .the. laBt '.Chief Magis- trate elected by the people of Louisiana,; and his itinerant Legisla- ture still, claiming to exercise executive . and , legislative functions, ■were frightened by thft " Yankee" atrny, or the expectation of itsap- prpach, and " skedaddled" tP some indefinite ppint, in or beyond the 'extrenie'^^ternirbrtion of LP^rsjiajha.. ,, Moore still claims to be gov- .«r^r,'o£, i .LbulsiaiCa. His powpJ; is, abpiit,po t ual.t6 that of Sancho Paaza, who, like Moore, also gloried in the titlei of " Governor." '■>,-•••' MiiDtsoNTTLiiS,' La., ■..■-.;-..'■ ' .''■ May 2, 1863. Sir :— AsLFlysses^ the much planning warrior of the Greets, .wandered the victim of cruel Fate, searching vainly for his home, whence he sighed to return vic- ,' torioiis from the [siege of Troy;^ even so was I driven from the paths of philosophy, and from my dilapidated hospitable abode, by the articulate-speakiff^'; voice of Fate, which sent me forth the great Confederate Trav- eller in the Louisiana Lowlands Low. Taking passage on one' of those magnificent steamers belonging to the Canal street Ferry, that are fitted up on a scale of magnificence ' surpassing the' dreams of Fairy Land, or the'gpleh'dor and glory wh^ch surround the President ;of the Confederacy in his stately and oriental palace at Richmond, I stood upon the lofty deck and thus poured out my soul to the people of New Orleans: "Farewell," I cried in tearful tones, "fair Crescent City,' '|jaKiig, upon the great old Father of Waters Uthge I, lea%e; behind. But when I return, I . shall come with banner, brand, and bow, leading the ! victorious and unconquerable legions of Gen. E. Taylor,, and exterminating the vile Yankee foe, whose iron foot resSs upon the bosom of the Confederacy, with terrible #gl§llt, as, the grea;t„ Polyphemus, the one-eyf d.Giani^ 91 THE MAOPHERSON LETTERS. ■lit thirsting for human life,, had plucked a W,body moun- tain from its base and placed it on my head !" I then shouted three times, and committed assault and battery on a newsboy who offered me The Eea. Arriving at Algiers, a magnificent city opposite New Orleans, I discovered that the Belleville Iron Works had fallen into the possession of the Confederacy, and that it contained a strong garrison of Graybacks, numbering several hundred. " Blessed be Jupiter," I exclaimed, "the Father of gods and men, and the overshadowing ruler of cloudy Olympus! — for now I perceive that the invader of the Lowlands Low has been driven back with terrific slaughter !" I then sent a dispatch to the President of the Confederacy in Richmond, announcing that General Banks had been de- feated and completely wiped out ; that General R. Taylor had captured eighteen hundred thousand Yankee pris- oners, and that the head of his invincible column was then in the Belleville Iron "Works of Algiers, protected and watched over by a strong line of Yankee sentinels. I then went to the Yankee Railroad Depot, and de- manded a free pass to Brashear City. " By what authority," inquired the Yankee, " do you make that demand ?" " By the authority of the Southern Confederacy," I replied, " and in virtue of my vow to Mars, the death- scattering hero of bloody wars, that I will neither wash my face nor drink water until I have exterminated every damned v Yankee in Louisiana, Mississippi, and the First •CongresiiMal' District of Texas.!" " You must be Macpherson," replied the Yankee. " Well and truly hast thou spoken," I answered him ; THE CONFEDERATE RELIGION. 95 " I am Maepherson, the great Confederate traveller, whose Massive Intellect will produce a volume of Travels more entertaining, though less truthful, than the tales of the Arabian Nights." " If that won't pass you over this road," answered the Yankee, " I don't know what will." He then gave me a dead-head ticket and introduced me to another chap, who at once made me drink' a bottle of cham- pagne, after which I started off on my journey. " Now, indeed," I exclaimed, " is the will of Jupiter made manifest, and heaven sends auspicious omens; for I ride at the expense of the: United States, and am drunk to start with, without cost — the indispensable condition of a :^^^^^ Traveller and Warrior." " Why is it," asked a chap in the cars, " that you still adhere to the religion of the Greeks and Romans, "believe-in omens* v and offer orisons to the divinities of Olympus, whose worship has been overthrown by the light of Christianity 2" " Untaught Ignoramus !" I answered ; " benighted heathen of Yankee darkness ! if thy dull brain is ca- pable of comprehending the Confederate principles,, I will explain them to you. The Confederate religion is a conglomeration of the faith of Moses and the intel- lectual fables of Olympus, which have been handed down to us by the greatest poets of the earth. As the Jews believe they are the chosen people, and a cussed sight better than anybody else, so. do the Confederates, believe that they are the salt of the earth — a position fully sustained by the large saline deposits near New liejjia. So far, then, our faith is. founded on Moses anA; the Israelites generally ; but the rest, of it corre- 96 THE MACPHEBSON LETTERS. sponds pretty faithfully with the pagan religion, except that ours surpasses the pagan in the magnificent splen- dor of its fables. Let me illustrate this point to your ignorance-besotted mind. Ancient Troy was a village about half the size of Algiers, and the siege of the place was a series of fist-encounters between Ajax, Heenan, Priam, and other prize-fighters. But Homer has converted his pugilists into demigods, and has in- troduced nearly all the gods of heaven, earth, and hell as interested spectators, or active co-operationists. For all this there was a slight foundation in truth ; and the Confederate Religion differs from and surpasses the ancient, in the fact that its biggest stories and achieve- ments have no foundation in fact whatever !" I then presented him with a copy of Macpherson's Confed- erate Arithmetic, and told him that if his muddy and debased brain could comprehend it, he ,was smarter than I was. . " The people along the road turned out by millions to see me, as the train passed on through the Lowlands Low, all giving a hundred and fifty cheers and fifty tigers, in honor of the Plato of the Confederacy and the Venus of Madisonville, whose Mammoth Brain first brought together in a condensed and intelligible form the famous religion and philosophy of the New Nation, which are destined to sweep every other from the earth, from Greenland's Icy Mountains to India's Coral Strand. The car in which I was seated was soon filled with bouquets, hurled at me through the window, formed of red, white, and red, indicative of the Confederate flag, and in imitation of those which the Confederates lIAOPHfcESON SHOOTS AN ALLIGATOR. 97 of New Orleans have b.ee% accustomed to throw at the players, since the damnable despotism of IT. S. will not permit them to tnrow out-and-out secession flags, li^ji^tj'tlj^'iacfauiii^lated.^elght of bouquets and of my Ponderous Intellect proved too much for the labors ing ^Engine, and it, gave out, when we, were kept wait- ing for three hours, surrounded by impenetrable woods and dirty water, moccasin snakes and deep lagoons^;, overhung by Weeping cypressTtrees, and echoing for- ever with %e melodious noteaMi bulhffogs and alli- ■^Then it was that' I, walked into the gloomy fca-es.t, : and recalled $q r my mind the adventure of Balboa, who discovered the Pacific. Ocean^ and wading into it up to his waibt, stretched forth hjs sword and took possession of -that important stream ; in ure name of his king. Therefore I waded into a mud-h6ie up to the top of my feeechesj and stretching forth my brawny arm, took possession of it in the iiame of the Southern Confed- eracy! ' , ", - -.•' .,.'', ' -,-:.■?? 'V/rV'-'^V" 1 ■ ' ' ■ '■■ '■" ' .'. ' '' .'■', t&^lewwithom Alligator flop /mndred feet long: "--■■ As I was wallowing; back, I rnet an alligator: five himdred feet long-b*y : 0"6nfedef ate measuireuient, which is eqtial to ten feet in Yankee, mathematics. . I imme- -diately drew my Jeff. x»|vis, revolver, a terrible brass- rnpunted weapon,, presented to* me by the ladies of Doctor Palmer's congregation, and shot the animal, ex- peeiiflg to see him die at my feet. He paid no attention* , toMt^'hut roiled .over in the dirt and yawned, as though {ling had happened: Theh.it was that my mind 98 THE MAOPHEESON LETTEKS. was filled with admiration and love for the noble ani- mal, to whom I delivered the following able address : "Majestic Confederate mudsill! — aboriginal inhab- itant of the Louisiana Lowlands Low ! — thou art im- pregnable as the defenses of Camp Bisland, and impervious to water and. mud alike. Would to heaven that, deployed as skirmishers in R. Taylor's army, you might wade in Yankee blood, even as now you wallow in mud, the natural ally of the Southern Confederacy !" Arrival at TigeruMe. The engine having been repaired, it gave a Confed- erate snort, and with lightning in its eye and steel in its sinews, drew us to Tigerville, just as the sombre mantle of all-enshrouding night settled over the earth. The conductor shouted " Tigerville," and I looked out, expecting to see a city equal to Madisonville, but could discover nothing but. a wide and lonely forest, in which the deep-laid shadows seemed to conceal a thou- sand phantom forms. But as the train moved on again, I got a sight at Tigerville, which apparently consisted of a grocery store and a brass kettle ; and I found that by a miraculous junction of nature, and art, while the engine was in the centre of the city, the rear car, in which I was seated, was in the midst of, prime- val forests, stretching away for miles on either hand,; At last we reached Brashear City, a town larger than New Orleans, if you include; the woods. A pe- culiarity of this city is, that it has no streets. brasher crrr hotel. 99 The great Temple of Wisdom at JBrashear Gity. .1 Immediately I proceeded > to the Brashear City Hotel, which I soon discovered was a vast tempi© of wisdom and economy. It so, 6trongly resembles my dilapidated hospitable abode in .Madisonyillejithatl burst into tears as the sweet, image of that home arose before me with the Idiotic Boy, now the exponent of Confederate Philosophy, and of my spouse, who sighs for the return of her roving protector, even as Penelope sighed for the return of Ulysses ; but I hope she has fewer suitors than the excellent Greek lady alluded to. Calling for supper, I was told ;that -none could be had ; as it was past the usual hour, and the chief cook had gone to bed: Then was> I filled with admiration at the Arcadian simplicity of life in those remote re^ gions, where the repose of a cook begins at nine o'clock in the evening, and is guarded by the changeless law of eustom. Gladly, ^therefore; did I go to my room, supperlese. ' ' ° The apartment in which I was placed, and from which a Yankee; was expelled to make room for me, filled me with love and admiration beyond the. power of language to describe. There was such an absence of all luxuries, or even necessaries of life, that I at once saw that the architect and proprietor of the establish- ment was a philosopher- and a political economist. The rude walls were constructed of rough Confederate boards, undefiled by the carpenter's plane, the luxu- rious covering of the paper manufactory, or the un- necessary embellishment of the white-washer's brush. 100 THE MAOPHEBSOST LETTERS. "Thanks to Jupiter!" I exclaimed, "the wall-paper which might otherwise have been wasted upon these walls, can now be used for publishing secession jour- nals." I then got into bed, and pulled down the mus- quito-net. I discovered that the mattress was made of cane-stalks, the products of my native Louisiana, with an immense one in the centre, very convenient to hang upon to keep one's self in bed. The only unne- cessary luxury I observed 'consisted of two table-cloths on the bed in place of sheets ; and I got up early in the morning, thinking they might be needed for use on the table. I had not been in bed a great while be- fore the musquitoes, that were buzzing by millions around the net, commenced pouring through in close column by battalions ; while an immense force was held back as a reserve to fill up the ranks shattered by the death-scattering blows of my manly arm. Now it was that a great physical rencounter commenced, surpassing • in bloody destruction the battle of Forts Jackson and St. Philip. I slaughtered them without mercy ; but I found that the wide forests surrounding the city were filled with dauntless legions ; arid however many millions I might destroy, it was probable that I should be compelled at last to surrender to overpowering numbers. Therefore, I thought I would try to stop up some of the holes in the musquito-net. I stuck my hat into one of them, my boots into two others, my breeches into another, my Confederate coat and vest into another, and finally, the washstand and pitcher into the biggest one. But these precautions scarcely checked the overpowering advance of the hostile armies, and I went to tying up the holes in knots, DSTEKVIBW WTm GOV. M00EE. 101 until Iliad tied' twenty-fivei hundred by the Confeder- ate , arithmetic', which is fifty in Yankee mathematics ; but alLto,no avaiL I at last collected the carcasses of the slain, and piled them up around me ; after which I was enabled to enjoy a night of strength-nourishing repose* V ; ■ Arising in theimorning, I' discovered that there was no soap in the croom^ which I regarded as a high per- sonal compliment to my cleanliness ; it was as much as an admission on the part of the landlord, that I was clean;, enough already. -Neither was there any looking- j glass; and I. knew at onfee that the landlord did hot mean to; encourage the sentiments of worldly pride, .engendered in men and worftfh when they survey their persons in a glass. , .w I immediately took passage for Opelousas, whence I walked to- Shr^eporf to find Governor Moore andtheV Legislature, the custodians of the civil rights of Louisi- ana, and the guardians of the State treasury. . ■'■4&i ! ' ' ,, mM^e^jmthMo^frnor Moore. • %^00.ved .diligently for them, but the inhabitants reported .that they had left some time previous, at double-quick, carrying the treasury and archives in a one-horse, cart. , I followed on and reached the Red Biver ;■ and {%!»*#. I discovered Governor Moore weeping on a stump, in the depths of a dismal forest, surround- ed by insects and wild beasts. Seeing me, he fell upon! my neck and cried like a child. "Guardian of law $nd order!" I exclaimed ; "protector of States' rights and the treasury, di$«a#es9>commander-in-chief of the 102 THE MAOPHEESOK lETTi&S. State militia ! thee do I embrace in fraternal and un- dying Confederate affection. Tell me, I pray thee, the cause of thine overwhelming grief." " Macpherson !" , he said, in tearful tones; "look here on this picture, and then on this. - When I took charge of the Legislature, it sat in the fine State-hon.se at Baton Rouge, and I was the proud potentate of the great sugar-planting State, while the treasury was_ overflowing with funds. But where am I now ?" " In a swamp, on a stump !" I rep^t'ea^." " Where is the treasury ?" he continued. " That's what I'm after," I^sweka;^' " Well, thou shalt see: it," he replied ; whereupon he led me to the borders of a mud-hole, and drawing aside the thick overhanging foliage, displayed to my vision a one-horse cart attached to a mule, and both stuck in the mud. " To this complexion hath it come at last !" he groaned ; " for you see before you the archives and the treasury of the State!" I immediately overhauled the contents, and discov- ered the Act of Secession, of January 26, 1861 ; a copy of Macpherson's Confederate' Arithmetic, by which he had tried to multiply by 50, and so fill the treasury ; and an order conscripting all able-bodied niggers into the Confederate ranks as soldiers. " Those," said the Itinerant Moore, " are the State archives. Look now a|; the treasury." I looked, and discovered a five-cent shinplaster on the bank of West Baton B,ouge, a 1 blue car-ticket, and a receipt for two barrels of whisky. "That," said the weeping Moore, "is what remains, of the wealth of Louisiana, after passing through the fiery ordeal of civil war, and the more trying ordeal of my MACPHEK80N IN THE LEGI8LATBBE. 103 policy. The mule represents the motive power of the Confederacy, and the whole concern is now stuck in the mud." "But the glory of the New Nation stall remains," I answered him. v " Jeff. Davis still sits enthroned in oriental magnificence in Richmond, and the Idiotic Boy is monarch of Confederate Philosophy. Let us arise and exterminate the Yankee race!" ' ¥e arose* and taking me to the. recesses of an ini- mense hollow tree, I discovered the Legislature in ses- sion. It consisted of three members, all dead drunk? *' Join us," said the governor; and I joined: "We soon became happy in the consciousness that w'e might soon recover the whole territory of the United States. I was accordingly elected a member of the Legislature, and we forthwith passed an act aeclarlng the power of the Yankees at an end, and seizing^ tHe whole conti- nent of ; America, in the name of the Southern Con- federacy, the said act to take effect immediately^ "Thanks to Jupiter !" I exclaimed ; "the war is how at an end; the North is subdued, and" the flag of the New Nation floats in triumph over every inch of ground on the vast continent." We then got blind drunk, from which I was aroused by the recollection that a Jpeife. -before I had made a vow of larceny, and had promised to steal Jhree horses for the Honest Jew, who had promised to wait in Algiers until I should send him the specified number of animals. I accordingly started off at double-quick, and returned to the Yankee heailquarterjS, at Opelousas. 104: THE MACPHEKS03T LETTERS. The Vow of Lwreeny fulfilled. I was there advised that the late battle-field of Camp Bisland afforded great facilities for stealing horses, and thither I went. Looking around, I discovered not less than sixty animals, and I immediately telegraphed to the Honest Jew, that if he would come up there, I would give him thirty horses instead of three. He went and met me with a glowing face on that field of bloody encounter, in which E. Taylor's forces drove the Yankees thirteen hundred miles in thirteen hours, averaging a hundred miles to the hour. He immedi- ately embraced me. "You pe vun shentlemans," said he; "I bays your pills at the hotel." r |, ■•.■>■■> u- " All right," I answered 'Mm*' "there are sixty horses up there; you shall have thirty; take your pick." He started off on the run, but soon returned with fire and indignation in his eyes. "You pe vun tarn fillain !" he exclaimed. " What's the matter, sweet one !" I asked, in a tone of tenderness. " You tam fillain ! the horses pe every vun tead !" " Dead !" I exclaimed, " and so young — the oldest not being quite twenty ! But weep not, my Honest Jew ; they died in the sacred cause of the Southern Confederacy. Dulce et decorum est pro pafria mori. You never tried it, poor Jew, and you never will. But, I tell thee,. I did not promise that the horses should be alive ; and now, Hermes ! god of thieves, GREAT CONFEDERATE PARSON. 105 I have fulfilled my vow of blood and larceny !" I then kissed the Honest Jew and returned to New Or- leans, having been invited to preach in a secession church on Sunday, April 26th, in. consequence of my able exposition of the Confederate Religion ,to_ the Yankee Ignoramus, and in view of the fact that the proclamation of that bloody despot, Abraham Lincoln, had been ordered to be read in the churches on that day. The prevailing belief among the Confederates was, that I was the only Confederate parson smart enough to do the thing up properly, and outwit the dull Yankee brain. Therefore did I haste, with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love, to as- sume the robes of divinity. In my next letter, I shall appear as the Great Confederate Parson, reading the Prat Confederate, BloweE,- and .the, reason of my fame among men is, that I blow in a more faithful manner than the ggneraltf un of Confederates, although the, ; average(jf the Confederate race is but very little behind ; me, To the C@jtfcder^test.ofi-^few Orleans. I give the . deserved and proud distinction of Blowing in a manner perfectly satisfactory to our Kingj, Jeff. Davis, President of the American Continent. To you, fair ladies, whose beauty is unsurpassed by Hebe herself, I ;,award the meed of supreme, merit next to myself, in 114 THE MAOPHERBON LETTEKS. living up to this great fundamental principle of Con- federate faith. I defy any man with a spark of com- mon humanity in his breast, or the faintest gleam of com- mon sense in his muddy and idiotic brain, to mingle with the Confederates of New Orleans, whether in* public or social life, and say that they do not faithfully follow the divine commandment of this text. Yes, brother saints of both sexes, the Blowing which has been, done in your city, vindicates you forever against the foul suspicion that you meant what you said when you took the oath of allegiance to the United States. Continue in this grand career, and you shall win im- mortal honor. As for myself, whether in sickness or in health, in victory or death, in carnage and slaughter, or in peace and ' innocence, I will Blow and Blow for- evermore. Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, all saws and books, all forms, all pressures past, that youth and observation copied there ; and this commandment all alone shall live within the book and volume of my brain, unmixed with baser matter !" I then placed my hands inge- niously over my mouth, and blew so fiercely that it frightened the thirteen infants of the Weeping Orphan, and they cried in concert with me, making a most beautiful illustration of Confederate theology. At this stage of the proceedings, a delegation entered from Algiers, leading a small live alligator by a red string, which he presented to me in behalf of the Yankee Railroad men at the Algiers Depot. The head man informed me that this beautiful animal was cap- tured in the Louisiana Lowlands Low, arid- that the captors presented him to me as a token of regard for SEBMOlSr. 115 tHe noble animal ; and also that they wished to know his'diieiMons by Confederate measurement. I found that 'according to the rules of Confederate Arithmetic, he Was' seventy-five feet long, which is equal to eigh- teen inches by Yankee measurement. And here allow me to say", that the Confederate Arithmetic is perfectly simple, and if the public will pay proper attention to its rules, they can learn to .cipher as well as I can, and I : shall not then be bothered; by people coming to have me do their sums for them. Multiply every Yankee figure by fifty) and you get the Confederate total. The d'efegalfcn then departed, and I resumed my discourse, having sent the animal under an escort of Stuart's eavaky-, to my dilapidated hospitable abode. > "'" Confederate Saints !" I said,' '' I have now a most loathsome and unholy duty to perform. I have been ordered by the Provost Marshal General, under the penalty of death, to read in your hearing a loathsome and unholy proclamation by that most foul and un- natural despot, Abraham Lincoln, a tyrant more base than Caligula or ' the ' princes of Central Africa. The proclamation fixes next Thursday as a day of national humiliation, fastfng, and prayer, and I had rather give a thousand dollars' than to read it in my temple of Confederate Holiness, provided I was allowed to take up another collection. But my life is of great value to the Confederacy, and the fundamental faith of the N ew ^Nation isj that every man shall look out for his - own neck. Hather : than have my able brain separated from the gigantic frame on which it now stands; I will read this most' hateful proclamation, and I hope the arrangements Will prove effective !" 116 THE HACPHEEBON LETTERS. I then commenced reading the proclamation in the ^Ethiopian tongue, and, simultaneously with the pro- nunciation of the firbt word, the whole audience gave the Confederate snort, while a nigger fiddler struck up the S. Taylor Gallopade, and forty others danced a grand hoe-down in the gallery. The "Weeping Orphan pinched his thirteen children until they screamed at the top of their voice, and the ladies went to upsetting stools and drumming on the pews with their fan- handles. As soon as the reading was completed, the audience knelt and received my benediction. Thus did I outwit the dull Yankee brain ; thus did I obey the order and trample it in the dust at the same time ; thus did I save the great temple of Confederate Holiness from defilement and sacrilege. Returning from church, I indulged in liberal pota- tions, and made the proposition to the Weeping Or- phan of taking five hundred drinks in succession, and we went at it. I recollect swallowing the thirtieth, and then my Massive.Brain lost a consciousness of mundane events. But when I awoke, I found that the "Weeping Orphan had stolen $3,000 out of my pocket, and ske- daddled, leaving his wife and thirteen children on my hands to support. Thus, in a moment, was I reduced from luxury to abject penury and degrading poverty ; and my scanty earnings barely sustain the life of the helpless ones that fortune has so unexpectedly thrown under the protecting segis of my Benevolence. But such is the fate of all sublunary greatness.. The light that streams down from the morning sun is, ere long, hidden in the shadows of all-enshrouding night. The smile that lights up the face of innocence and MAOPHEBSON PHILOSOPHISES. 1. beauty is soon dissipated and lost in the haggard lin of grief. The step of youth must some day totter wi' age ; the glory of life is transient as the meteor's nasi and until I have an opportunity to take up anoth< collection, or to steal a thousand dollars, I must grappl single-handed and alone, with the ill fortunes of Hi and remain gaunt with famine and thirst. Yours, theologically, James B. MAOPHEEsoir. 118 THE MAOPHEESOH LETTERS. CHAPTEE XIV. * Macpherson as a Military Chieftain.— He is appointed a Major General of Confederate Volunteers. — He issues a Proclamation, raises an Army, and wins two Battles in a single Day, etc., etc. Note. — The rebel forces at Pontchatoula, the .capture of which place has already been noted, were composed, in part, of Choctaw Indians. Some of these were captured and brought to New Orleans ; as prisoners of war. MADISONVrLLB, LA., May i6th, 1863. Sib:— Plunged suddenly injto.the depths of military glory and renown, it becomes my pleasant duty to ac- quaint the admiring millions who read my able pro- ductions, that Jeff. Davis, the great Confederate Jupiter, has appointed and commissioned me a Major General of Confederate Volunteers, with my Idiotic Boy as Chief of Staff, and has erected this part of the Con- federacy into a military district, to be known as the Department of Madisonville. My first official act was to get blind drunk on Con- federate whisky, after which I directed my Idiotic Boy to issue my Proclamation, as follows : Macpherson's Proclamation. Head Qeb. Depak't-Madisontujle, Madisonville, La., May 10th, 1863. General Order No. 1. In accordance with the unparalleled glory and dignity which now surround me, I hereby assume command of the army and AN ABSOEBESG PEOFANITY. 119 navy of the Department of Madisonville. I shall demand and enforce the fullest obedience to the Confederate Articles of War; and all male persons between the ages of ten and one hundred are hereby notified to report to me at once, armed and equipped for military service. Any citizen or resident of this Department, male or female, who shall hereafter pronounce the word "Yan- kee" without placing before it the Confederate adjective "damned," shall be hung without trial. Soldiers and females of Madisonville! arise in your might and glory, and hurl the terrific thunderbolts of merciless vengeance against the United States! In me you have a leader worthy of your highest confidence and admiration, who will lead you to im- mediate victory and undying renown. With my own hand I will plant the victorious Stars and Bars on the Custom House of New Orleans, and on the St. Charles and City hotels ; and sweeping with my legions like- a besom of death-scattering destruction, I will not pause in my onward career of homicide and slaughter, until my unconquerable army shall enter the Arctic regions, and plant the almighty and overpowering flag of the Confederacy upon the North Pole, there to float as long as the all-nourishing earth shall revolve in the boundless and unfathomable realms of celestial space. By order of Maj. Geit. James B. Maophekson. The Idiotic Box, Chief of Staff. The first extraordinary result of my promotion was an absorbing profanity, which compelled me to swear every time I opened my mouth ; and I believe that my experience in this respect is similar to that of most military men. Whereas, but a few days before I stood in the pulpit and expounded the Confederate religion to a benighted world, and presented myself as a model of the Christian virtues and graces, and a strict temper- ance man, I found, the moment I put on a uniform, I was bound to swear like a Second Dragoon, and drink like the Tenth Infantry. " Where is your army V asked the Idiotic Boy. 120 THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. "Damn the army!" I replied. "It is a peculiarity of Confederate warfare, that a Major General requires no army. Proclamations, sir, proclamations are the things with which to crush the Yankee foe. How did Beauregard raise the blockade of Charleston ? With a Proclamation ! How did Magruder do the same thing at Galveston ? With a Proclamation I How did Gov- ernor Moore conscript the niggers in the Trans-Missis- sippi Department ? With a Proclamation ! Are they greater Generals than I? No, sir! You damned Idiot ! talk to me about an army ! I'll show you that I'm Major General and Commander of the Depart- ment. Pen, ink, paper, and gas are the only imple- ments necessary to secure a Confederate victory at every step !" I then wrung the Idiot's nose and swore to be revenged. Subsequently I determined to raise an army, and opened a Recruiting Office in Madisonville, and swore that I would fill the ranks at 'all hazards. I raised a Confederate flag two hundred feet long by Confederate, measurement, which is four feet in Yankee mathemat- ics, and sent a nigger through the streets pounding on a tin pan to drum up recruits. The first one that came in was seventy -four years of age, blind in , one eye, walking on two crutches, and armed witk_a buzz-saw. " Welcome !" I exclairned^'"" young and ardent sol- dier of your country, to the headquarters of Confeder- ate glory. You are the nucleus of the army of this department, and I will lead you to endless conquest F* He then whirled his buzz-saw and took his place in line-of-battle. I conscripted two niggers to hold him up on his crutches while he should fight. A COLUMN tfT OEDEK OF BATTLE. 121 Finding that this patriotic youth was the only per- son who would voluntarily enlist, or, voluntarily obey my orders, I resolved to enforce my authority at the point of the sword, 'mid scenes of broil and battle. I therefore mounted the Confederate Mule, the same an- imal that carried me to New Orleans when I attended the great Charity Fair, and drawing my shining blade with a Confederate flourish, placed myself at the head of the column, determined to lead in person, according to Macpherson's Confederate Tactics, a profound work on military science, which I had compiled the night before. I marched off in the following order : 1st. The General Commanding, viz., myself. 2d. Music, viz., the nigger with a tin pan.. 3d. The column in ; order of battle, consisting of the patriotic youth, sup* ported on either flank by an African. I determined to make my first demonstration on the abode of a Choctaw Indian, who had some time been seen about MEadisonvillfi dressed in the peculiar and fantastic style of his race. Halting in front, I gave the order to deploy column in the back yard, for the purpose of cutting off retreat, while 1 should attack in front, with the musician supporting me as a reserve. These .^jsTOs^tions having been made on scientific principle's,; Pgave the Confederate snort, the great sig- nal of attack. The Indian, started from his morning slumbers,* without waiting to dress, jumped out of a side window and cut for the woods. " Sweet Choc- taw !" I exclaimed, "for the moment thy speed gives thee success ; but this ib no fault of my tactics, and thou owest thy safety to the fact that I have not an adequate force to support my flanks. > If thou thinkest (i 122 THE MAOPHERSON LETTEES. me deficient in the art of war, try and make thine es- cape through the hack yard, o%er my invincible ool- umn !" I then put spurs to my mule, and started in pursuit. After a race of two miles, I overtook him and held him, while, in obedience to my orders, the column came up, and the Choctaw was conscripted, and took his place in line of battle, a willing and obe- dient soldier of the Confederacy. " The Great Spirit," I said to himj "will not send any Choctaw to the happy Hunting Grounds, unless lie fights for the Con- federacy." The column then marched back to Madi- sonville. My Chief of Staff reported a case of gross and dam- nable insubordination, which I resolved to punish in Confederate style, with the fullest extremity of military vengeance. A young and able-bodied man, only sixty years of age, living in the suburbs of the city of Madi- sonville, had disregarded the order to enlist, and had concealed himself in the woods, armed with a shot-gun, determined to die rather than take up arms against the United States. I immediately ordered my forces, white and Choctaw, to advance, and halted at the res- idence of the accursed Yankee. Dismounting, I en- tered the house, where I found a woman and five chil- dren. " Where," I demanded in tones of thunder, flourishing my sword, and stamping my foot, "where, woman, is thy Yankee husband !" " Oh, sir !" said she, falling at my feet, and looking imploringly in my face, " for the love of Heaven, spare him ! He is old and feeble, and we shall starve with- out him. We are poor and hungry, and he is our only hope. Look upon my children, and pity us." : CONFEDERATE JTTSTICE. 123 •> " "What are children to "me, or I to children ?" I asked. "I am a Confederate General, sworn to win innumerable battles with this shining sword, and to exterminate the whole vile race- of detested Yankees. Your husband shall die ! He'is a Yankee !" " He is not a Yankee," said the woman ; " he was born' and raised in Louisiana." " What do I cal-e where he was born ?" I answered. "Every man 'who does not fall down and Worship Jefi\ Davis and the Southern Confederacy", and is not will- ing to leave wife.and children behind hitn to starve to death, for the sake of Southern independence, the satne is a Yankee, and shall suffer death ?" I then ordered the Choctaw Division' td advance, with two blood- hounds thrown out in front, as skirmishers and deleotf- ives, and gave oiffders to bring the villain, alive^if pos- sible, but_dead, if necessary. The Division gave 'the Choctaw warwhoop and advanced at the double-quick, and the bloodhounds soon got on the scent. In a few hours the accursed villain was brought to my head- quarters, Bleeding from wounds inflicted' by my skir- mishers. ; - ■•'■'■ .- • v" I am old and feeble," he began to say, ' " and ■wholly unable to bear arms." M Siksnce !" I exclaimed. " Perhaps your benighted and besotted mind does not understand the grekCfun- damental principles of Confederate Justice, so beauti- fully illustrated in the official career of General Hind- man, who reprieved two men after they had been shot. It is a peculiarity in our system of jurisprudence, that we understand a case without asking any questions, and convict and punish & man without investigating 124 THE MACPHEBSOK LETTEES. his case. I have Confederate brains in my head, and it is as clear to me as the light which beams from the all-beholding sun, that you are a Yankee Abolitionist. You will, therefore, prepare for instant death." A gallows was erected in front of his house, and he was hung by the Choctaw Division, under my order. As an act of mercy, I permitted his wife and children to witness the execution. Thus, in a single day, did I raise and equip a Con- federate army, discipline them, put them on a war footing, and win two battles. I retired for the night, thankful for the success of my patriotic efforts^ and panting for glory upon the fiejld of carnage. Yours undeviatingly, Jambs'- B. Maopheesoit. A MmtSTIGHT ASSASSIN, 125 CHAPTEK XV. Macpherson Encounters and shoots a Midnight Assas- sin.— He ClONSCBIPTS NeOROES, AND addresses them in a Manner, calculated to arouse their Zeal in the Con- federate Cause. — He appoints his Staff, etc., etc. Note. — In the following letter the author attempted to exhibit the Southern method of treating negroes, and the inducements which the Richmond (Sovernment might offer them to serve in their cause. " The Inconsolable Thug," who receives a staff appointment, is agentle- man whose history has been omitted in this volume. He had a phys- ical fight with Macpherson, in which the Confederate Philosopher was so badly worsted that he had to wear his head bandaged with " a material poultice" for some weeks. Mabisontelle, La., May 23, 1863. Sir: — Arousing from a dream, I looked up and saw a Midnight Assassin stealing into my room with fierce looks, and with a dagger in his hand, which he pur- posed to plunge into my vitals. This sight it was that harrowed up my soul, froze my young blood, made my two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres, my knot- ted and combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end like quills upon the fretful porcu- pine ! "Is this a dagger which I see before me?" I exclaimed: "ox art thou but a dagger of the mind ; a false creation, proceeding from the rum-oppressed brain ? Avaunt ! and quit my sight ! Let the earth hide thee!" But the earth declined to do it, and the stealthy Midnight Assassin, with murder in his heart and the 126- THE 'MA0PHER80H KGTTEBS. instrument of death in his hand, stood over me, ready to perpetrate hW crime of blood. "Such," I thought, "is the unhappy lot of grdatnesBJito be exposed to the shafts of malignant envy, to be watched, hunted, fol- lowed, -assassinated! Oh that I were but an ordinary man! Oh that 'nature had withholden from me the prolific gifts of Genius, foif^the masterly qualities of a military commander! Then I might! have lived in quiet seclusion and peace; but now I must die the vic- tim of enVied greatness !" It then occurred to me that as a great Confederate General, it might be proper to show fight, and die in heroic combat, falling with my face to the foe. * "What man dares, I dare!" I exclaimed. "Approach thou like the rugged Russian Bear, the armed Rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan Tiger, and my firm nerves shall never tremble! " As I said this, the cold perspiration stood upon my forehead. I then drew my Jeff. Davis revolver from under my head, and shot the villain dead on the spotl The moment- 1 had committed this deed of homicide, my conscience reproved me, and trembling with fear, I wrapped my head up tight -in the Confederate Blan- ket which always covers my martial couch. "T am," I said, " a foul and unnatural murderer ; and if justice dwells in Madisonville-, .1 shall- be hung by the neck until I am dead !" . AurorAyat last mounted her golden chariot, and the light of morning shed its celestial lustre over the man- inhabiting', earth. But I, overcome by a consciousness of guilty homicide, dared not look up for! two hours. Then I was moved by a conviction of duty, and wish- ing to drill my army in Confederate tactics, I resolved MADISONVTLLE CONGO GTTABD8. 127 to leap boldly from my couch, gaze indifferently upon the mangled remains of my victim, and deny all knowl- edge of the transaction. Therefore, hurling the per- spiration-besmeared blanket from my august person, I leaped from the bed and opened my eyes, to fix them on the dead corse of my red-handed homicide. But I discovered that nobody was hurt. There was, how- ever, a distinct bullet-hole in my Gray Confederate breeches, that were hanging on a chair at the foot of the bed ; and these I had mistaken and shot for a Mid- night Assassin. The MadisonviUe Congo Guards. Therefore, I determined to conscript all niggers between the ages of nine and one hundred, within fiye miles of MadisonviUe, and issued orders to that effect. But the vile darkies did not heed my commands, and I therefore deployed the buzz-saw Division as skir- mishers, with orders to fetch in every nigger that could be found. Ten of them were captured and brought to my headquarters ; whereupon I proceeded to address them in a very able and patriotic manner, both upon the destiny of articulate-speaking men, and the duty of Confederate soldiers in the field, with the hope, of instilling into their besotted intellects' some gleamings of the lofty and humane philosophy of the Confederacy. "You damned niggers!" I said; "yon are about to be enrolled as Confederate Boldiers, under the laws of Louisiana, and in accordance with the proclamation of Governor Moore. This is the highest honor that could 12* THE MACPHEE80K KETWRS. be bestowed even upon a white man, and for you to receive it is a blessing so vast and incomprehensible that none but a Mammoth Brain can understand the full and imperishable felicity that has descended into your black souls. But you will please understand that this is not a compliment to you personally, but to the Confederacy which you represent ; and you will also comprehend distinctly that you are not human beings at all, and that the design of the Infinite was that you should be slaves and wild beasts forever. The Con- federacy is based upon this divine law of nature^ which made the Confederacy to boss and abuse niggers and keep them on a perfect equality with Confederate mules. You are the connecting link between man and the monkey, and differ from the Orang-Outang only in the gift of speech. This was given you by the Almighty, in order that you might better serve your masters; for everybody must admit that a. dumb nig- ger will not bring as high a price in the market as those that can utter speech» Vice President Stephens has nobly said that niggers are the corner-stone of fthe Confederacy, and this I wish to impress upon your debased and idiotic minds. Your heels are long and your shins tender, and that proves the truth of Judge Taney's declaration, that you haven't^ay rights that white men ought to respect. The LorS cursed Ham, and the ham was smoked. Therefore you are blacky damn you ! and must be enslaved by the Confederates for evermore. I can prove it by the Confederate Bible; for the theology of the Confederacy, as I showed in my celebrateSVsermon from the words, 'Blow ye,' permits true believers to strike out any pas- ADDEESS TO THE CONGO GUAKDS. 129 sage of Scripture they don't like, and to put in any- thing they'd like to have there. " Therefore it is that the Confederate Theology is superior to every other. Tou can prove any . thing you want to by it, or you can confcrand every theory ever started or adopted by mortal man. The Confed- erate Bible is on a par with the Confederate Arithme- tic, and I am the author of both. Therefore, let no nigger dispute my words, for I can prove every thing I say. Tou are niggers, and niggers are not men, and it is now your glorious privilege to fight for these di- vine principles of the Southern Confederacy — princi- ples founded upon the great and everlasting law of Confederate veracity." The effect of this splendid oration upon those to whom it was addressed, was, indeed, like; magic. The bold declarations of truth smote upon their heathenish and bestial intellects, and inspired them with overpow- ering and matchless zeal for Southern Independence. They gave five hundred cheers for the Confederacy^ and six hundred for me, and threw their hats a thour sand feet in the air by Confederate measurement, while the biggesttnigger, grinning from ear to ear, struck up the Old John Brown song, the whole Congo Division joining in the chorus: "Glory, glory, hallelujah!'' Immediately the spirit of prophecy and of poesy de- scended upon me, and I composed a Confederate war- song, to be sung on all occasions, as follows : 6* 130 (THE MACPHERBON LETTEKS. SONG OK THE CONGO , GUARDS. By Fame's B. Maohsbrson, Author of the Cdttfcderate Arithmetic and the Hymn of Sutvation. '•' "1. ' Oh the niggers they are monkeys and were born for slavery, The niggers they are monkeys and were born for slavery, The niggers they are monkeys and were born for slavery, M ve.go fighting along. • -, . Glory, glory, halleluj ah 1 Giory, glory, hallelujah! ■ Glory, glory, hallelujah! As we go fighting along. 2. Oh the abolition Yankees ihey are a set of thieves, The abolition Yankees, &c, &e. I should have proceeded further with this beautiful production, but I have adopted the rule that I will never write a poem of more than two stanzas. I then proceeded to arm the Congo Division with sheep- shears, and issued the following General Order : Headqt/akters, Department of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 20th, 1863. General Order No. 2. The General Commanding hereby gives notice that the follow- ing high-toned gentleman and officers will constitute his staff, and will be obeyed and respected accordingly until farther orders : The Idiotio Bot, Chief of Staff. The Honest Jew, Chief Quartermaster. The Unhappy Cpss, Chief Commissary. The Solitary Horseman, Chief of Cavalry. The Noble Woman, Superintendent of the Great Confederate Clothing Emporium in New Orleans. The Inconsolable Thdg, Chief of Artillery. The Weeping Okpiian, Judge Advocate. The Sot/thekn Souiwk, Chief of Signal Corps. CONFEDERATE LAW OF PROMOTION. 131 The officers above named will report immediately at the Great Confederate Clothing Emporium, in Canal street, and the ladies of New Orleans are hereby directed to furnish a uniform for each, out of the great Charity Fund. By order of Major General James B. Maopherson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Sta£ It will be seen that in the above order I have fol- lowed the Confederate law of promotion, and given a posish to each of my friends. I shall make each of my nine sons a Brigadier General as soon as I can re- cruit nine men. Yours, boldly, James B. Macphekson. 132 THE MACPHERSON LETTEBS. CHAPTEK XVI. The Registered Enemies of the United States leavb the Department of the Gulf. — General Macpherbon SUPERINTENDS THEIR DEPARTURE. He " GOBBLES" THEM AS SOON AS THET ARRIVE IN HIS DOMINIONS. He UNEXPECT- EDLY MEETS THE HONEST JeW, JBJSC., ETC. Note. — On the 30th of April, 1863, an order was published by Major General Banks, requiring all registered enemies of the United States to leave the Department of the' Gulf, on or before the fifteenth day of the next month. As no one could sail for any«port in the United States or a foreign country without taking the oath of allegiance to the United States, the registered enemies were compelled to go over to the " Confederacy," for which they had professed such a profound rever- ence and love. So long as they were forbidden to go, they were loud in their complaints that the cruel and despotic government should prevent them from joining their friends ;. but when they were or- dered to go, all their zeal disappeared, and they were equally- loud in their complaints that the cruel and despotic government should com- pel them to go. When the time of their departure actually arrived, they presented a melancholy spectacle ; a more dejected set of wretches was never seen. To add to their grief, as Boon as they arrived in Mobile, the able-bodied men were forced to join the rebel army. The order sending them out of the Department was received with, great exultation by the Union citizens of New Orleans ; for some of these registered enemies had become very insolent, under the lenity that permitted them to remain in the cityi Many of them had registered their names as enemies of the United States, in order to make them- selves popular with the secessionists, and without any«Bxpectation that they would ever be compelled to leave the Department. And when they found that the fact of being registered enemies in- volved the necessity of going away, and, as was the case with many, of leaving home, family, and kindred behind them, perhaps forever, the romance all melted into thin air, and th'ey discovered, that a sen- timental attachment for the land of Jeff. Davis, which could be cher- ished in security at a distance, was quite a different matter when it exiled them from the comforts and pleasures of civilised life. registered ens-mies. 133 ' Madiswtvxllb, La., - May 30th, 1863. Sir : — A Macedonian cry came to me as in.my dilap- idated hospitable abode I meditated schemes of blood- shed and revenges : It came. from New Orleans, from a Registered Enemy, and said : " What shall I do 3 Come over and help me !" ~ , v - . , j ,.. , Arriving'in New Orleans,, I immediately called upon the Macedonian, and with him forthwith went down to Lakeport to witness the departure of the firsli regular load of Registered Enemies., "Now," I said,. "there will be a grand secession demonstration, exceeding that on the levee, when the women turned aiit mkinasse to ,fciss the departing Confederate prisoners. I will sum- mon the people to arms, raise a revolt, capture New OrleanSj and add it.to the .Department of Madison ville !'' But when I arrived at, the point of embarkation my soul and face beciame swollen with Confederate indig- nation. Eor instead of a grand. secesh r demonstratioii I only found a small crowd of weeping women and wailing sMJdren, who said they wished ffielr husbands and fathers i-had taken the oath of allegiance to the United States,' instead d£ running off to the Confederacy and leaving them to starve alone. . ,, ,, . ,. .,,,.,. - " Stopj sitohiltreasonable talk as that!" I shouted in tones of Confederate thunder. "Every person whp •utters a, sentiment favorable to the Union, will have his name written down, and* he shall be'l&ag when the Confederates come her& !" . '"•' '?■* ' •-■ ■ \ V .What has the United States done so bad ?" asked a woman who was weepihg in a base and cowardly man- ner at the departure ojTi her husband, " Did; we hot 134 THE MACFHEBSON LETTERS. live together in peace and plenty before the South seceded? "What wickedness did the United States commit ?" " It robbed us of eternal rights," I answered. " Is it not the eternal right of a wife to be protected by her husband, and to have her children fed and cared for by their father ?" asked she, in a violent flood of 'tears. " Base, cowardly woman !" I exclaimed ; "the great light of Confederate Science has never pierced your weak and debased intellect. Women and children, food and raiment, are nothing beside Southern Inde- pendence. Were it not for the rebellion, would I ever have been a Major General ? No ! Would Jeff. Davis have been a President ? No ! Would My Idiotic Boy have been Chief of Staff, or the Honest Jew a Quarter- master? No! Such, madame, are the happy fruits of rebellion. What to me are weeping women and starv- ing children ? — what desolate firesides and blasted fields ? — what trenches of buried soldiers and plantations gone to waste? Nothing! These are the price of Confed- erate shoulder-straps and civic crowns. What though they are stained in innocent blood and bathed in wom- an's tears ? They glitter all the same, and glory still summons the Confederate Warrior to the field ! Starve, for ought I care ! The more that starve, the less there will be to feed on the next crop !" " You are an unfeeling brute !" sobbed the woman. " Madame," I replied, drawing myself up to my full height, and smiting my breast with great dignity; " madame, if my position does not protect me from in- sult, my sex at least should be respected 1" REGISTERED ENEMIES. 135 I -then turned away with an air of justly offended pride, and turned my eyes upon the black ship, about to depart for the - lovely shores of my native land. I expected to see countenances gleaming with joy and patriotic pride. " These true and devoted friends of the Confederacy," I said, "have filled the earth with their moans, to be allowed to come to us, when they knew they couldn't ; and now that they are at last al 1 lowed to come to our sweet land of cotton and inde- pendence,, their; faces will glow with unspeakable de- light',": Imagine my burning wrath, when instead of this, I saw a pack of the most dejected devils that my eyes ever rested upon. One was looking at his wife and children with streaming eyes, and asking in a low moan if it was too late to take the Oath of Allegiance. " Too late !" replied a Yankee Demon. Then the Registered Enemy smote his forehead with his hand, and said he had made a damned fool of himself, to which the Yankee Demon nodded assent. " Beloved Confederates !" I said, addressing, them from the shore j " as the, Children of Israel, represented in Madisonville by the Honest Jew, wandered for forty years in the Wilderness, but at last found the happy land of Canaan, so have you, while twelve times the Moon hath filled her horn, borne with meek patience the.,unsufferable and loathsome bondage of the United J3t%tesj sighing for the happiness of the Confederacy. But now. the long night of your vassalage has been dis- pelled by the brilliant splendor of the rising Confederate Sun, and you are about to plant your weary feet in Madisonville; a land that flows with milk and hoMs-y^ where the butehery of the Yankee Demons cannot dis- 136 THE MAGPHEESON LETTEES. turb tlie quiet security of your throats, and where the Stars and Bars will stand between you and all harm." Even this eloquence did not arouse their stupid souls, and I turned away in disgust, reluctantly concluding! that the Registered Enemies were a lot of blockheads. I immediately started for Madisonville on my Con- federate Mule, in order to get there before the Regis- tered Enemies reported at my. headquarters. Maepherson meets the Honest Jew. As I was going hurriedly home, I saw a man in the woods tucking rolls of paper into the trunk of a hollow tree. Approaching him stealthily, I was astonished to recognize in him my integrity-loving friend and Con- federate co-laborer, the Honest Jew. Wishing to give him a pleasant surprise, I caught him violently by the collar and planted my right foot stoutly against his shins, before he was aware of my presence. He jumped eight feet in the air, and struck the ground, looking pale as a corpse, exclaiming with fero- cious earnestness : " I no steal '«m ! I pe berfectly innocent ! — berfectly innocent !" " My innocent and outraged friend !" I replied, " of course you are innocent. Who accused you of stealing ?" " Gott im Himmel !" shouted the Honest Jew; "I taut you pe vun tarn tief and robber. I now know you pe mine tear Sheneral." We then clasped each other in a tender, loving embrace, until our bosoms were bathed in tears of mutual love. " A pleasant sturprise, my dear," I said. THE HONEST JEW EESTAITOIEKWG. 137 " Oh, yah, vim sehr tarn bleasant surbrise," he an- swered. . ,:> " What have you here ?" 1~ asked, approaching the tree. "Noting, noting at all," he answered. " Then there can be no harm if I look at nothing," I answered, and then proceeded to examine the tree, when I discovered several very large rolls of Confed- erate treasury notes. "Sweet disciple of Moses," I Baid, " whence and for whom this vast treasure ?" " Mine !" he cried, while a look of agony passed over his features. " Sir !" I said, " you are a swindler and thief,! I am your superior officer, and I swear that unless you divide with me justly and fairly, I wffi hang you, and expose to the world your infamous crimes !" . The Honest Jew then swore he always intended to divide with me, and that he hid the bills only as a means of security. I then asked him how he had man- aged to accumulate such vast wealth. " I sells the glothing and horses," he replied. I then learned that, after conscripting an army, the Honest Jew had drawn clothing and horses from- the Govern- ment, and that he had 6old the clothing to the soldiers and the horses to the highest bidder, and that the money in the tree was the iruit of this scheme, alike creditable to his head and heart. " Nothing," I remarked, " but an equal distribution of the proceeds, could have reconciled me to this .admi- rable trick. Come once more to my bosom !" " I make you very rich in five tays," said the Honest Jew. 138 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEB3. "How," I asked. " You vait for the Kegistered Enemies,".lie answered. Arriving at Headquarters, I found that great numbers of Kegistered Enemies had arrived and were arriving from New Orleans, and thereupon I immediately issued an order on the subject, as follows : Headqtjabtebs, Department of Madisonville, Madisonville, La., May 28th, 1863. General Order No. 3. "Whereas, it has come to the knowledge of. the Major-General commanding this Department, that certain and numerous persons, pretending to be Kegistered Enemies of the United States have arrived within the limits of his command from New Orleans, it is therefore ordered: That all the Registered Male Enemies of the United States coming to these shores, not over one hundred years of age, shall be immediately conscripted and enrolled as a part of the military force of this Department ; unless they shall pay over to the Chief Quartermaster the. sum of one thousand dollars, in which case they shall be exempt from the draft. By order of Majoe Geneeal James B. Maopheesok. The Idiotic Bot, Chief of Staff. The first Eegistered Enemy who reported himself at Headquarters was the Macedonian, who came with a smiling face, and, slapping me on the shoulder, said : " Our relations have been so pleasant heretofore, that I shall find in your sweet society full compensation for the sacrifice I make in leaving my native land." But I put on a look of offended dignity, and inquired who it was that presumed to make himself so familiar ! I then handed him a copy of the above order, and he turned pale as a ghost when he read it. However, he paid one thousand dollars to the Honest Jew. In all five hundred tece ooMsnrts^ - , *SS oojfsoB^praiPi 139 men paid their thousand dollars, whi&m&de $h© , i 4 .. ' U , > , t he Idiotic 'JBot, Chief of $j$|f. .. " By what coders/justice is it," inquired thei^pce- aifnian, "%hat,*after -taking our money on promise of exemption, you compel us to liter th& service ? " "By'thfi. code of Confederate justice," I replied: " the same principle, that is- in farce in New Orleans, which compels negro property-holders to pay taisesfor the support of schools^ and .^hen forbids them 4o^send their children, to /8c|iool ; and;?the same principle by which John C. B re cTa^i§gi§| sitting ^ the f&nate of the United States, and drawing^ his, salary from, the "United SHJtellteeasury, plotted and,|oiled foij the down- fall of the J&jhiqnj and the up-building, of the , Southern Confederacy.'*; BetilhdeM witk t the Honest Jew. ; ; At midnight, in m^jjgj^d|||tent, I summoneff the Honest Jgm to my presence, and told him we had 140 THE MAOPHBBSOlf LETTERS. made a million dollars, and it was time to divide. I therefore ordered him to settle immediately, and to pay over to me one-half the profits, in accordance with the bargain fairly agreed to by both parties. " Show me your receipts," said the Jew ; " I can bay no monish mitout receipts to show I owe it !" " Loathsome and disgusting reptile ! " I exclaimed, " is it thus you trifle with pecuniary rights and eternal justice ? Is it thus you seek to subvert the principles of Confederate veracity, and uproot the very founda- tions of society ? Can you expect to rob the Confed- eracy and its loyal subjects with impunity, and not divide the profits with your Commanding General ! I will show you that it cannot be done. For half thy wealth, it is Macpherson's ; the other half comes to the general State which I represent, and so I'll take the whole." "Nay, take my life and all, pardon. not that;" re- plied the Honest Jew, " yon take my house when you do take the prop that doth sustain my house ; you take my life when you do take the means whereby I live." "Bring hither the cash and abjure thy vile faith, and thou shalt live and have half," I said. "Yah," replied the Honest Jew, " I do that mit time. I goes now and pring you the monish." He then started off to bring to my tent the treasure ; and I lay congratulating myself that I had made half a million dollars, and converted a Jew to the true faith. But hour after hour passed, and the Honest Jew did not return. Two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock, daylight, and no welcome Mosaic footstep came to cheer me in my waiting loneliness. THE HONEST JEW SKEDADDKEB. 141 " Oh Honest Jew ! " I cried in my distress,- " what evil hath befallen thee? Oh whither hast thon wan- dered!; Did thy pious youthful feet go astray in the woods ? " I then hastened' to the hollow tree, hoping at least to find the treasure, even if I could not once more clasp the Honest Jew to my bosom in a loving .embrace; But imagine; my griefj terror, rage^. when I discovered that the vile villain had gobbled up all the money and skedaddled to distant and unknown places,, leaving me once, more to groan and moan in honesfc .poverty^ the victim of loathsome and disgusting ras- , Tours eternally, . .... James B.jMacphebson'. 142 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. CHAPTER XVII. ' An Account of the Death of James B. Macpherson, the Great Confederate Philosopher, Warrior, Author, and Southern Blower. Note. — The author determined to discontinue Macpherson's Let- ters, and knew of no better way than to kill him off. Accordingly the following obituary notice was prepared and published in The Era of June 7th. HuNd be the heavens with black ! — yield day to night ! Comets, importing change of times and States, bran- dish your crystal tresses in the sky, and with them scourge the bad revolting stars, that have consented to Macpherson's death ! It becomes our painful duty to announce to the world the death of James B. Macfhbrson, of Madi- sonville, Louisiap,, Major General of Confederate Vol- unteers, invincible warrior and pugilist, Plato of the Confederacy, Archimedes of the New Nation, Author of the celebrated Confederate Arithmetic, Traveller through the Louisiana Lowlands Low, Father of twelve sons, Clergyman, and Southern Blower — the scintilla- tions of whose Ponderous Intellect have so long illu- minated the columns of The Era. The Mammoth Brain of our revered correspondent no longer works ; the Herculean Arm is no longer bared in the cause of the Confederacy he so faithfully and zealous- ly represented ; the tongue of persuasive eloquence has been silenced in the embrace of all-devouring Death! He expired at his dilapitated hospitable MACPHEESON DEINKmG HEMLOCK. ±i3 abode, in Ma'dfeonville^ at the solemn hour of mid- night, last Monday, being the six hundred and sixtieth Olympiad and the third year thereof, and the year 3 of the Southern Confederacy.- The cause of his death is melancholy beyond ofe* scription. He did not fall in battle, as .Wis, his ardent desire,. at the head of his invincible legions, dealing tdeath and destruction among vile Yankee foes ; but lie fell a victini to his own hands. In a word, he com- mitted suicide. Calling his Idiotic Boy to his side, he exclaimed : " Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolye itself into a dew ! or that the Everlasting had not fixed JWfr canon 'gainst self-slaughter ! Now indeed I fear the avenging wrath of the offended gods, of Olympus. But if I would reach the Elysian Fields, where dwells the soul of the great Achilles, I must die at once, like Socrates, the Philosopher, by drinking poisonous hemlock ! " Having announced his determination, his family and his staff in vain gathered around him with tears, striv- ing to win him from his fatal purpose. They p.©iated out to him the deadly stroke the Confederacy would suffer; the pallor with which Philosophy and Reli- gion would hear of his death; the inconsolable tears of his wife and staff; the exultation of the Yankee De- mon, and th® honest grief of The; Eea. But all in vain. ."I love the Confederacy with intense and pas- sionate love," he answered, " but the will of the gods and the Voice Of Oracular ffate must be obeyed ! " He then ordered the hemlock to hie brought to l#ii.3n a five-gallon demijohn, and calmly entered upon the 144 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. business of preparation for his journey across the Styx, — or to quote from his own beautiful words, for " the coming of that solemn hour, when neither worldly pomp, nor martial renown, nor yet the brave love of the Confederacy which pervades every impulse of my soul, and every throb of my heart, can stay my foot- steps in the last pilgrimage to the realms of Pluto." .' ; 1 Macphersori's WiU. He then took four drinks of the hemlock, and pro- deeded to make his will, with all the calmness and dig- nity of Confederate greatness. " To my faithful and beloved wife," he said, " I give and bequeath my dilapidated hospitable abode, and all it contains ; to my Idiotic Boy, the mantle of Phi- losophy and the management of Confederate Policy ; to my staff, I give my sword and uniform, and it is my wish that after my death they shall contend for it in single combat, as Ulysses and Telamonian Ajax con- tended for the armor of divine Achilles; and to the combatants for the splendid prize, I say in the words of man-smiting Heenan, ma/y ike best mem win/ "To the Noble Woman and the ladies of "New Orleans, I leave the task of fanning and keeping alive the fires of treason in the Yankee-oppressed Crescent City." Having made the above disposition of his worldly affairs, he took four drinks of the hemlock, and re- marked that the working of the Mammoth Brain would cease the moment the working of the fatal hemlock began. •■ THE DEATH-BED SCENE. 14S "To the Unhappy Cuss," he said, "I leave the ar- rangements for the funeral. I wish to be buried with military honors worthy of my rank and name. I wish to have my funeral modelled on that of Alexander the Great, a warrior whose fame was only surpassed by my own. In the third Section of the sixteenth Book of Rollin's History, you will find an account of the cer- emonies performed at the interment of the Conqueror of the World; and I wish those performances to be earried out to the letter, over my own remains." At this stage of the solemn scene, there was a loud wail heard in the; door, and looking around there was seen the Honest Jew, pale and haggard, and bathed with tears. He fell upon the floor, rolled over, threw himself upon the neck of the expiring Philosopher, tore his hair, and asked to be forgiven. "To err. is human — to forgive divine!" answered the dying General. '•' Your arrival is most opportune, for the treasury is empty and the preparations for my funeral will involve ati immense outlay. Promise to defray these expenses, and I will forgive you all.'* " I bromise," saidi the H5»$sfc- Jew ; and then the two great men, happily reconciled, embraced with touching affection. " It has been the great purpose of my life," said the expiring Warrior, " to re-establish in all its glory the worship of the Olympian 1 gods ; for the pagan religion alone, with such additions as I have made, is] fitted to the demands of the Confederacy. But I am cut off by Fate in the midst of my labors, and I desire to be buried after the manner of the Greeks and Romans." Midnight a* last cast the shadow of deepest gloom 116 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. over the. face of universal nature. The great Macpher- son had now nearly emptied the demijohn, and all felt conscious that the fatal hemlock must soon do its hor- rible>work. Suddenly he gave a wild groan, and, rising in his couch, smote his breast and spake his last words, as follows : Last Words of ' Macpherson. "The long day has passed," he exclaimed; "the long night is come ! O Jupiter ! thou great father of gods and men, the most high and powerful among the immortals, whom all others obey ! avenge the wrongs of the Confederacy, and smite the Yankees with the bolts of thy thunder! Farewell, brave Staff! Carry out the policy which I have' inaugurated, imitate my valor, and .always buy your hats of Stapleton, 95 Canal-street." A cold sweat then stood upon his intellectual brow ; the eyes became fixed, the lips ceased to move, and James B. Maopherson, the great light of Confederate letters, the favorite of the ladies of ISTew Orleans, ceased to breathe the vital air. "We have the authority of the Southern Source, a member of his staff, for saying that prodigies of na- ture attended the departure of the valorous chieftain to the realms of Pluto. He informs us that cloud-com- pelling Jove, at the moment of dissolution, hurled a living bolt of thunder from Mount Olympus, which smashed the five-gallon demijohn, that had held the impious poison, .into a thousand atoms, and tore the musquito bar worse than was torn that one which Mac- maophekson'b epitaph. 147 pherson described in the great Temple of Wisdom at Brashear City. Long and bitterly did his staff and his friends gaze upon his serene countenance ; not even the pallor of death could erase the lineaments of thought or hide the phrenological developments of the Mammoth Brain. Then the Honest Jew brought in a coffin of baked clay, and every thing was prepared for the im- posing ceremonies of the interment, which were per- formed with great pomp, and were an exact copy of those performed in honor of Alexander the Great, ex- cept that'^IFkejJh'ef son's chariot was trimmed with brass instead of ''goft; •The following inscription, composed by Macpherson himself, Was placed over his Tomb, at his own request : JACOBUS B. MACPHERSON. ILLUSTRISSIMUS, SCRIPTOE, POETA, MATHEMATICUS, FtEDERATUS, PR2EDICATOR, MILES EXERCITATUS. JOVI, FILIUS TERTIU8, HEBCCLIS.-ET BACCHI PRATER, FCEDERIS AUSTRAMS PLATO, ET PERI&HINATOR CELEBERRI- MUS. IMMATCRA MORTE ABRIEPIEBATCR OLTMPIADIS BEXOENTESIM^E ET SEXCENSESIM^ ANNO TERTIO, ET ECEDERIS AtT^TRALIS ANNO TERTIO. DEOS OI.YMPIACOS ADORABAT, ET UT IN OAM- PI8 ELYSIIS MANES AOHILLIS CONJUNGERET, E VITA CEDEBAT. Our task is accomplished ; our mournful duty is done. If the Southern Confederacy has lost its brightest; or- nament, the Editor of The Eea has lost his most high? 148 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. falutin contributor. In conclusion, we have to ac- knowledge our indebtedness to the Idiotic Boy, and other members of General Macpherson's staff, for the particulars of his death. The great Philosopher and hero who has departed, has often reminded our readers that man is mortal, and that earthly greatness soon vanishes, like the dews in the sunshine of the unclouded heaven. Let each take the lesson home, remembering; that even the Mammoth Brain of Macpherson had to succumb to the power with which earth's greatest men have contended in vain. There is no fountain of per- petual youth, even in the Southern Confederacy, nor yet in Madisonville, a place which Macpherson assured us flows with milk and honey ! RESUSCITATION OF MACPHEKSOB CHAPTER XVIII. The Resuscitation of Macpherson. — It is Dii he was not Dead, only Dead Dbdnk. — H Paying Debts. — He makes the Acquain Reliable Gentleman, etc., etc. Note. — During the siege of Port Hudson, New Oi filled with rumors of disasters to trie army of Gener were fod-usjripusly circulated by the secessionists. made it their principal business to lounge around the 5 and to retail these unfounded reports. Every statem "Reliable .Gentleman" in his conversation with 1 author himself heard at different times in that build made by piling wood on the levee was, on one occasi' the roar of artillery by some negroes ; and from this report of a disastrous repulse of our army. Mac suBcitated in obedience to what appeared to be a very on the part of the readers of The Era. The Reg who went from New Orleans to Mobile, carried i news. On their statements one of the Mobile papen announcing that New Orleans had been captured by ' under Magruder, who immediately started for Forts Philip with a force of fifteen thousand men. It m this connection, to state that during the siege of Poi midable force of Texans advanced into Western Lot intention of taking the fort at Donaldsonville (a vills miles above New Orleans), cutting off the supplies of seizing all the vessels that could be found, crossin making a descent upon New Orleans. This force wa mated at ten thousand to eighteen thousand men. 1 rebels were frustrated by two serious defeats — on Crossing, and the other at Donaldsonville. The de at the latter place was one of the most brilliant ol garrison consisted of about a hundred and fifty men, of Major Bullen, and many of these were convalescen ing force, under General Greene, consisted of an entii gunboat Princess Royal, under Commander Wolsey, vance of the enemy. A desperate hand-to-hand fig] 150. THE MACPHEE60N LKTTltE?. enemy advancing to the parapet. A hundred and twenty rebel pris- oners were actually captured by the garrison, inside the works. About a hundred of the enemy's dead were buried by our soldiers ; and the rebel loss in killed, wounded, and prisoners was about four tiines as large as the entire force defending the place. Our loss was . inconsiderable. The fight at Lafourche Crossing was also a brilliant affair. There were, in fact, two engagements, in both of which the enemy wag repulsed with severe Iosb. Colonel Cahill and Colonel Stickney gained great credit in the successful defense of the place. General Emory was at that time in command of the defenses of New Orleans, and no officer could have performed his duties more vigilant- ly or faithfully. The capture of Brashear City, and the erection of rebel batteries on the river, threatened to sever all communication with General Banks's forces at Port Hudson, and New Orleans itself was menaced. The secessionists were in constant expectation of the ar- rival of a rebel army, for many days ; and the Union citizens, as well as the officers in command, were not certain their expectation would not be realised. General Shepley, Military Governor of the State, called upon the people to rally for the defense of their homes, and formed a brigade for sixty days' service. General Emory called for negro volun- teers, and two regiments were promptly raised. The author has deemed it proper to make these explanations, in order to show the reader what a fruitful field New Orleans presented, in those days, for "Beliable Gentlemen" and "Intelligent Contrabands." Madisonvtuoe, L.a, June 27th, 1863. Sir: — I died in the consoling faith that I was the Biggest Liar in the Southern Confederacy ; but after the arrival of the Registered Enemies in Alabama, I found they were going so far ahead of me in that line, that I should have to rise from my grave arid vindicate my noble reputation by the invention of more sublime falsehoods than ever before graced my able produc- tions. In truth, the mendacious stories those unhappy exiles spread in the streets of Mobile actually made my bones rattle in their coffin ; and I came forth like that mythological giant whose name I have forgotten ; but who, smitten to the earth, always arose with renewed KOT DEAD — ONLY DEAD DRUNK. 151 strength ; and I will now tell such astounding lies as shall cause the Yankees to howl and the Confederacy go mad in the ecstasies of bliss ! An account of my death and burial has been pub- lished, and a Latin inscription placed on my tomb, so ponderous and incomprehensible that all hope of resus- citation seemed to be at an end. It was given out that I had committed self-slaughter, by drinking poisonous hemlock from a five-gallon demijohn. But the truth is, I was not dead, but only dead drunk, and the hem- lock was only ordinary Louisiana Bum, Alexander the Great drank the health of his friend Proteas in the Cup of Hercules, a Dutch Lager Beef arrangement, that held six bottles. He. pledged his friend the second time in this enormous bumper, and immediately fell fiat and died. Socrates, the greatest philosopher of the Greeks, as I am of the Confederates, took one swig of hemlock, and expired. In order to show myself superior to both of these, I drank the five gallons of Louisiana Rum, convinced that it is more fatal than the liquid consumed by Alexander, or the hemlock imbibed by Socrates. But I played dead to see what the newspapers would say about me, and what action would be taken by the Confederate Gov- emment. Much to my«agfeoH.J6hment, the Yankee Eea was the only paper in !N"ew Orleans that paid any attention whatever to my death. The others had been profuse in their tears over Stonewall Jackson ; they had made themselves and their readers perfectly miserable over every two-penny Confederate hero who got killed or drank himself to death ; but when I, who had always 152 THE MACPHERSON LETTERS. praised them — I, who had been the champion of their creed, and lied on the same side — I, Macpherson, the great and shining light of the Confederacy, the Invin- cible Warrior and the most magnificent Blower the Confederate Sun ever shone upon in all his course — I say, when I, greater and wiser than all, was supposed to he dead and gone to my grave, they had not a tear to shed for me ; not a black column-rule with which- to express an emotion of grief; not even a line among the editorial notices of auction sales and health-restoring patent pills, to announce the destruction of my noble mind, and the overthrow of the greatest Intellect that the world haB ever known. Then it was I found how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a cussed fool for a friend. Macpherson comes forth. "Wednesday evening, June 17th, in the third year of Confederate Independence, was the anniversary of the Yankee battle of Bunker Hill, where the ragged; American militia clinched boldly with the Brit'iisll Ilegulars. The pale new moon presented the faintest possible crescent outline of beautiful silver, sinking into the boundless expanse of Western Louisiana, when I arose in all the habiliments with which the Honest Jew had clothed me, and proceeded to my D. H. A. (said initials being a classical abbreviation for my Dilapidated Hospitable Abode). As I entered that renowned mansion, more famous than the White House at Washington, or the Pewter Mug of New York, the Idiotic Boy fell flat on the STEW WAT TO PAT OLD DEBTS. 153 floor, overcome with strange unearthly fear, and cried .aloud : " Tell Dae why thy canonised bones, hearsed in death, have burst their cerements ; why the sepulchre wherein we saw thee quietly inurned, hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws to cast thee up again ! What may this mean, that thou, dread corse, again in complete steel, revisitest thus the glimpses of the moon, making night hideous ? " " Dry up ! " I replied, at the same time hitting him in the chops, and loudly demanding a drink of gin. Macpherson pays his Debts by a General Order. I found a vast number of bills from all quarters, and claimants immediately besieged my dwelling, demand- ing instant payment. In the first place, there was the Confederate tailor, with a bill of $1.8,000 for my outfit as a Major General, who said his family was starving, and nothing but prompt liquidation would save them and him from famine. " Prompt liquidation is my rule," I replied, and immediately took four drinks. Then came the butcher with a similar bill far six months' supply of sole-leather steak ; then the grocer, the shoemaker, and so on to the end of the chapter. " Something must be done for these mudsills of soci- ety," I said, "Tj is one of the evils of our existence, that laboring men have to eat and wear clothes ; and were I to suggest improvements in the formation of the Universe, I would arrange it that the mudsills who wait upon the Southern aristocracy, should. grow fat on air, and look with contempt on base pecuniary 7* 154 THE MACPHEKSGN LETTEKS. means. I must at once pay these debts ; and the devil of it is, there isn't a dime in the treasury !" Then it was that light burst upon me from South Carolina, the great fountain of Southern Independence. Then it was that I remembered that on the 6th day of June, 1861, Governor Pickens paid all the debts of the South by a proclamation, declaring it to be, treason for a Southerner to pay up in cash. Therefore I deter- mined to relieve my creditors, and pay all bills by. a General Order; and accordingly I issued the follow- ing: Headqtjabteks, Dep't of- Madison viixe, Madisonville, La., June 18th, 1863. General Order No. 6. , * Having come to life after consuming five gallons of Louisiana Bum, and having again assumed command of this Department, and having been pained at" the sufferings &f" my deserving creditors; and annoyed by their- impertinent supplications for payment, in order to relieve them and me by an ingenious Confederate device, jt is hereby ordered and declared as follows: 1. It shall be regarded as treason for the Major General-com- manding this Department, or any of his staff, to pay any tailors' bills, butchers'; bills, grocers' bills, promissory notes, or debts, of any description whatever. 2. Any person presenting a bill to the Mirjor General command- ing this Department, or any member of his staff, or demanding paymeat for articles supplied, shall be guilty of misprision of trea- son, apd shall be punished with death by hanging, and his estate and personal effects shall be confiscated to the personal use and possession of the Major General commanding this Department. By order of Major Genebal James B. Macpheksost. The Idiotio Boy, Chief of Staff. The Reliable Gentleman. The Unhappy Cuss and myself then started for New Orleans, to get the latest intelligence. Arriving at the THE RELIABLE GENTLEMAN. 155 St. Charles Hotel, we put up for the night, when a man came up, and pulling me to one side, asked what, the news was from Madisonville. I replied that I had not the honor of his acquaintance, and that he would do better to mind his own business, and not exhibit any of his impertinence to a Major General of Confed- erate Volunteers. . Hereupon the fellow drew himself up with great dig- nity, until he looked quite tall, and said : "K. G. S. C. H." " I am familiar with every language," I replied, " known to articulate-speaking men, since the accident at the tower of Babel ; I understand all science and philosophy : I am, in fact, an Encyclopaedia of Useful Knowledge, revised and enlarged ; but I cannot, with all my learning, master those mystic symbols." "I am," said the oifended fellow, "the Reliable Gentleman of the St. Charles Hotel !" " Come to my arms, sweet one I" I cried, clasping him to my heaving bosom in a loving embrace. " I regret that the Southern Source is not here to make your acquaintance; for there is such a remarkable re- semblance in your personal appearance, impudent man- ners, and unblushing mendacity, that you might be mistaken for twins, or for one and'the same person." The Reliable Gentleman bowed profoundly, and re- plied : "I ant proud, General ; you do me infinite honor. I am, so to speak, the Ears of the St. Charles ; for I hear every thing." " Judging from the enormous development of your acoustic organs," I replied, looking admiringly at his ears, " I am fully prepared to believe your statement." 156 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEES. Again the Eeliable Gentleman bowed his pleasure. " I am," he continued, " the Eepository of all informa- tion ; nothing occurs without ifiy' 1 " knowledge ; I am, sir, a Boiling Caldron, wherein are thrown all scraps of information, to be cooked up into reliable intelli- gence ; and as the witches of Macbeth threw poisoned entrails, fillet of snake, tongue of dog, adder's fork, and lizard's leg into their caldron, so does every Big Liar- hurl his reliable information to me. I button-hole every man I see ; I pump him until he tells all he knows and all he don't know ; and I spread the news around town, adding such suggestions as will please the person to whom I speak." " Dear Caldron !" I replied, kissing him fondly, " you are the man I have long desired to find. Come now, sit down, and tell me all that has happened during the last four or five weeks." You should have seen the dignity and pride which then sat enthroned upon the countenance of the Boil- ing Caldron and Repository, as he drew himself up, apparently believing that he was an India Rubber Man, and could stretch himself out as tall as Honest Old Abe, if he but put himself to it. I own I never saw Wisdom until I looked upon that majestic countenance. Retiring to the front of the Rotunda, and placing our feet higher than our heads, the Reliable Gentleman proceeded to give me the following additional par- ticulars : " During the period you mention," he said, impres- sively, " the bloodiest battle ever fought on this Conti- nent has taken place at Port Hudson. Shiloh, Fort Donaldson. Malvern Hill, were as a droD comnared THE RELIABLE GENTLEMAN. 157 to the red ocean of blood which there flooded the land." " Which whipped ?" I inquired. "The advantage was decidedly with our arms," he replied; "but the victory was on the side of the enemy." The Keliable Gentleman was about to proceed with his narrative, when he suddenly espied an Intelligent Contraband on the opposite side of the street. Quicker than Olympian lightning he darted off, seized him by the button-hole, and showered upon him a series of questions in sueh rapid succession, that the Intelligent Contraband was almost paralysed. " Dey's at it, massa.!" said I. C. "At what ?" inquired R. C. " Fightin' up dar !" was the reply ; " I'se hearn 'em !" Immediately the Keliable Gentleman rushed fran- tically through the Btreets, grabbing every man he met, and telling Mm that a bloody battle was in progress up the river ; that he had just seen a highly respectable gentleman direct from the; battle-field, and that the slaughter was dreadful. Immediately the street corners were crowded by an excited populace, eagerly devour- ing the news, and repeating it with Wild exaggerations. Soon the Intelligent Contraband approached me, and said: "Dar's a mistake, massa.,. Dat ar fightin' noise was dem niggers on the levee, pilin' up wood !" The Reliable Gentleman then returned, and resumed the history of events. " A negro regiment went in a thousand strong," he said, " and seven hundred of them fell dead on the first fire. The slaughter was terrible. One was caught and hung, and three escaped lame for 158 THE MACPHEKSOtT LKTTEES. life. Thirty-five Federal Generals were killed on the spot. The slaughter was awful. Federal loss in two hours, seventeen thousand five hundred and two. Meantime, General Johnston concentrated a force of ninety-seven thousand in General Banks's rear, ready and willing to tear him in pieces. General Banks and staff were isap-' tured, and Colonel Grierson, with his whole comrifend. The slaughter was frightful. General Breckinridge next* made his appearance in General Banks's rear, with an iuM mense force, and just before he' arrived at Jackson, sent a - nigger to General Banks, to let him know that he was in'" his rear. On the 3d of June, General Banks raised the siege, and, with his whole command, retreated to Baton Kouge, which place was subsequently captured by the enemy. The slaughter was appalling. Kirby -Smith then crossed the river at Bayou Sara, moved towards Port Hudson, and got into General Banks's rear, with an immense force, sufficient to crush him, while Sibley, just returned from a flying visit to Texas, hung upon his flanks with a tremendous force. The slaughter was unparalleled. General Taylor, about this time, got in General Banks's rear. A portion of General Banks's forces were then sent to Yicksburg to reinforce. General Grant. About this time a detachment of General Grant's army was sent to the, aid of General Banks, from Yicksburg. The slaughter was tremendous !" Here the Reliable Gentleman put on a look of such awful wisdom and solemnity that I thought I should die. If my Idiotic Boy knew twice as much as that man, I'd make him Grand Blow-Master of the Con-- federacy. He then looked around with his fingers on his lips,, indicative of profound secresy, and making sure THE RELIABLE GENTLLJIAST. 159 tliat no one could overhear him, made the following confidential communication : " Every human being in Western Louisiana, white and black, old and young, has been.put to death ! Every house, barn, shed, outhouse, ^ee^sifcump, shrub, cotton-bale, and combustible sub- stance of every name and sex, was burned by the torch of the.incendiary ! The country is depopulated; the human'Tace in that part is extinct, and the inhabitants are suffering all the torments of famine !" Having delivered this crushing and reliable announce: ment, he started for the Bar-Eoom in great haste, and I left instantly for Madisonville, satisfied that the ser- vices of the Great. Confederate Blower were not re- quired in New Orleans. . , ; Yours, sufficiently, James B. Maopheeson. 160 THE MA.CPHEESOST LETTERS. CHAPTEE XIX Macpherson encounters the Cussed Fool of Carondelet-^ street. — Betting on Vicksburg and Port Hudson.-^- Fourth of JulyCeleuration at Madisonvilu:, etc., etc. Note. — The Union citizen?, of New Orleans will not soon forget the unbounded joy inspired by the news of the capture of Vicksburg and Port Hudson. The rebels stoutly refused to believe that either place had fallen, and pronounced both reports " Yankee lies." They talked loudly, and offered to bet against odds ; but it was found that when brought to the test, they generally " backed out." • > , Mabisontcllb, La., •July 18thy 1863. Sib : — As I was sitting in Jacobs's Picture Gallery, undergoing Photography, I chanced to e^st my eyes upon the sidewalk, and there I saw a Cussed Fool, whom I knew at once was a good Confederate. Therer fore I rushed out, without waiting to bid my, friend, good-day, or to pay my bill, and clasping him warmly by the hand, asked him what he was driving at. " Betting," he replied. "What are you betting on?" I asked him. " On Vicksburg," replied the Cussed Fool. " What's the matter with Vicksburg ?" I asked. "Nothing," he answered; "and that's what's the matter with me. Come to my place in Carondelet- street, and I will show you something that will make your Confederate eyes gleam with joy." Walking to his place I was delighted to find that he was none of your poor white trash, but an out-and-out VTCKSBTJEG NOT TAKEN BY GRANT. 161 Southern aristocrat. "We took four drinks of wine, and I told him it was very choice, but that for an honest, steady drink, Louisiana Bum could not be beaten. " Now then," said he, " I am going to prove to you by the Confederate Arithmetic that Vicksburg is not taken, and that the dispatch published by the Yankee editor of The Eba was a foul and infamous invention — a He made out of whole cloth, for a bad purpose, which, it is sup- posed, was to affect" the price of sugar and molasses, etc." " Proceed," I said, " for I am author of the Arithme- tic of which you speak." " In the first place," said he, " Vicksburg is impreg- nable. It is a Gibraltar, as I can prove to you by all the Southern papers that have published any thing on the subject." He then took down a file of Southern papers and pointed out eight thousand places in which Vicksburg was called " Gibraltar," and declared to be " impregnable." " JSTow," he continued, " the combined forces of Fz-ance and Spain were unable to reduce Gib- raltar, and a place that is impregnable cannot be taken, according to my views. But when we come to analyse the question we find that the intrenchments of Vicks- burg are equal to twenty thousand men by the usual estimate, and this multiplied by fifty, according to Con- federate mathematics, would make the works equal to one million of men. One Confederate is equal to five Yankees, and this would bring it up to five millions of men. Then we will take the garrison, which amounts to forty thousand. This sum multiplied by fifty gives us a garrison of two millions, each of whom is equal to five Yankees, and so, in fact, the garrison is ten millions strong. The garrison and the intrenchments together 162 THE MACPHEKSOH- LETTEES. thus give us fifteen million brave Southern patriots, all armed and ready to fight with desperate valor for Con- federate independence. That nearly equals the entire population of the free States, and if they cannot hold out against Grant's army, then I will sell out and go .to France." " Tou satisfy me," I replied, •" I am Bure that Vicks- burg is not taken !" "I'll bet ten thousand dollars on it!" passionately cried the Cussed Fool. Just then a Yankee came up, and said : " I'll take that bet !" ' " What !" cried the Cussed Fool, in amazement. " I'll take the bet," he repeated, and at the same time put down ten one thousand dollar greenbacks. A smile of wonder passed over the face of the Cussed Fool, as he surveyed the Yankee from head to foot, as though he had been a curiosity in Barnum's Museum. Understanding his meaning, I proceeded to explain : "You Damned Yankee," I said, "you do not under- stand the principles of well-regulated Southern families. When a man says he will bet on the Confederacy or that Vicksburg is not taken, do you suppose he means it ? Not a bit of it ! It is an ordinance with the great doctrine of Blowing ; a doctrine which I preached in the Temple of Confederate Holiness in Camp street, and which is faithfully followed by every secessionist in New Orleans." " That's true," said the Cussed Fool of Carondelet- street. " I'll not bet a dime ; put up your money ! But I know a man who will bet ten thousand dollars to one thousand that Vicksburg is not taken." MteT HUDSON not -iOBtsiHHpBlv-; |63 .. ; '■** Shfifr'ninl to me,*said the Damn|$' Yankee. We^then walked down to JQTawkins's, and there we found him. His? face was red an'i> Swollen with blow* ing, and immediately I recognised him as the Great Southern Snorter. He ItM&w it was a lie— he: had seen & paper of a later date, and Vieksburg held; out and was impregnable. -He was ready, to bet ten to one, up to any amount, that the Yankee dispatch wife a lie. '■'■* Up to w£i& amount, sir 2" inquired the |£anlee. "Up to any amjpnt you. please!"- crieji$' he, at the same time" Sending out a peculiar :b/le§wing sound j@|m his nostrils. ; ,- : v?' **£■■' '^ " Say ten thousand,"a^pied the Yankee. " Say any tin&gysu. please; ! ? * cried the Great Southern Snorter. • ••''-:»;■.'■ r.'/gfi ■ -) *' " I say, then," replied liegfankee, " that I'll bet you ten thousand dollar^ against Eve thousand that V| burg has been taken b|j General Granfe!" "You must ex^^-me," said the great Southern Snorter, " I#ast l^^^pber that Ithave- an imperative engag^fee%t. I have no time 4fs talk with you, and, besides, if I j^uld bet, most likely 'J. would get ar- ^^ted." The grealjj Southern Snortiefc then walked oft with a sad lot>k| and all the YankeeSilaughed. |. J||t thefi a fiendish newsboy, canje up, and thrusting papers |&? our faces, cried out : "Jffere'&Jspur Extra ^AA^FaM of Pm Hudson t" r v" ■*■% "*' "Its aaolber Yankee lie!" cried, the Cussed Fo6l ; ." Illlpl^ll thousand itjgfta lief I #m prijve tha| PorfeHudsbii is impregnable and the Gibraltar of* the Lower Mississippi !'^tHe theia ran the §|||| over on*fi|e . ; eh$|of his fingers, w a defj^lt Catholic Would -count the \G4: THE MACPHEESON LETTKRS. beads, and I was pleased to see that he had the whole Confederate Arithmetic at his tongue's end. " Garrison, 10,000 by 50 is 500,000, by 5 is 2,500,000. Fortifica- tions, ditto is ditto; total number of Confederates^ 5,000,000 1 The whole Yankee army could not contend with one-tenth part of that number, and I know that Port Hudson is not taken I" Sow the Rebellion sa/oeA Property. We then walked off, arm-in-arm, the Cussed Fool in a most thoughtful abstracted mood. " Fool," I said, " you are one of the best Confed- erates I have seen, and I now wish to ask, what you and the rest of the Confederates got up this rebellion for ?" " To save our property," he replied. Just then we observed a . red auction flag in front of a most beautiful residence, and halting at the door, we discovered Ttlee in all his glory, selling the furniture and every thing else at auction. ^This," said the Cussed Fool, " is a sale by order of the Quartermaster ; the house and furniture were confiscated and sold by the United States, because the former owner was in the Confederate army. Now see his splendid furniture, his mirrors framed with massive gold, his statuary of Carrara marble, his pianos, his library, all and every thing put up for sale by Yankees, and bid off by Yan- kee purchasers, and the fruits thereof going into the treasury of the United States, a government that every Confederate despises." " Where are his niggers ?" I asked. "Niggers!" shouted the Cussed Fool, while a flash FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 165 iug glow of pain overspread his fine face ; " echo answers, "Where? They have skedaddled, and refuse to return. They have enlisted or found employment elsewhere, and the proprietor thereof may say, in the words of the poet: 'Never again shall I behold thee!'" " And this is the way you saved his property by the rebellion !" I remarked. " Macpherson," said the Cussed Fool, " if the South- ern Confederacy should bust up, I'm going to France." " Go it," I replied, and whistled the new Confederate air of "Zee m Pennsyfacmia" July Oh — Magruder in New Orleans. On the 4th of July, the people of Madisonville as- sembled in a vast multitude around my residence, and demanded an oration. The Idiotic Boy read the Con- federate Declaration of Independence, which, for want of a table, he rested upon the head of a nigger. I then mounted a soap-barrel, and proceeded to expatiate on the beauties of Southern Independence. ■ "It is eighty-seven years ago to-day," I said, " that George Washington and John B. Floyd laid the foundations of the Southern 'Confederacy, by proclaiming to the na- tions of the civilised world the eternal and heaven- . ordained doctrine of secession. But it took Jeff. Davis and the Miles Legion to complete the noble work ; and it was 'not until the year 1861 that Truth, robed in light gray, and bearing a Palmetto tree in her hand, stepped forth from the shores of South Carolina, and clasping Jeff. Davis and A. H. Stephens in her arms, 166 THE MACPHEKSON IJ5TTERS. carried them to Richmond, thereto found a dynasty more permanent than that of Denmark Yesey or Gov. Doit, of Ehode Island." During the inspiring ceremonies of this great cele- bration, the Buzz Saw Division paraded under arms, and the Honest Jew peddled jewelry among the crowd. I then had the following General Order read aloud, and the* vast assembly dispersed to their respectable abodes : Hbadqttaetees, Department or Madisonvill , Madisonville, La., July 4th, 1863. General Order No. 7. 1. The General Commanding felicitates the people of his De- partment on the recent brilliant Confederate" Victories at Port Hudson and Vickshurg, and also in Pennsylvania and Tennessee. The splendid valor of our troops has demonstrated to the world that, an impregnable Gibraltar cannot be taken, and that an in- vincible warrior cannot whipped. 2. General Magruder, having captnred the city of New Orleans and Forts Jackson and St. Philip, will immediately report to me for duty at these headquarters. 8. The city of New Orleans and vicinity are hereby annexed to the Department of Madisonville. By order of Major General James B. Maophebson: The Idiotic Bot, Chief of Staff. The Philosophy of Honesty. Before leaving the Cussed Fool, I asked him to de- fine Honesty, and he replied that it consisted of form- ing an opinion and sticldng to it through thick and thin, in spite of facts or arguments. " The man," said he, " who lives up to his faith at the greatest sacrifice of comfort, money, and common sense, is the most honest man. Tell me who you think he is." THE PHTLOSOPHY OP HOHESTY. 16*[ In^'Iied as follows: "I agree wiih. your definition, and in my opinion Brigham Young is the most honest and self-sacrificing man on this • Continent. He be- lieves in Bigamy, and lives up to his creed by main- taining forty wives, thus depriving him of every earthly comfort to illustrate the great principle of his creed ! " Yours, heroically, James B. Maopheesojst. . 168 THE MACTHEK60N LETTERS. CHAPTER XX. The Phantom Confederate; or, the Ghost or Madison- VILLE. (A True Story.) Madisonvtlle, La., i August 1, 1863. Sib: — It was m. the full of the Moon, in the month called Julius by the Romans, and anno tertio de la Southern Confederacy, at the very witching hour of night, when churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes forth contagion to the world, that I might have been seen seated on a cypress stump, in'the midst of a blasted heath, near the classical city of Madisonville, C. S. A., with a roll of plug tobacco' in my hand, (a present from Gov. Lubbock, of Texas), and a Confederate can- teen of Louisiana Rum by my side. Thus sitting did I meditate upon that beautiful scene described by Vir- gil, in which ^ have not brains ejioagh to suffer serious damage." Suddenly the Phantom began to dance with the wildest joy, wBitirhis whole ghastly face became lighted up with enthusiastic bliss. " Tell me," I saidy " the caJjtlHof this sudden revulsion, of feeling, which seems to ^Srve lifted you from the lowest sub-basement of Despair to the highest attic of Delight ?" ; "A great victory in - Pennsylvania !" he replied. " The: field of ^jpi^pboxg fills- me with Jiif speakabie happiness!", •■'■"■.■•., ^ g^ As j|§jf spoke, however, I noticed |Jg^t one of his eyes had been gouged out-, and one side of his faee ; complete- ly smashed in, while a stream of blood was ||S|gj6Jng to the earth. I inquise&the Cleaning of thi% an|| he re- plied, it was the result of casualties at Gettysburg. '£!Nb great victory," he said, "is ever won without ap- palling Sacrifices ofcnf3 and limb; but Lee has succeed- ecynv^ting o| t pf J&nnsylvania, with aloofr of only .^py^five* 'thousand men!" 4>t .^^0, ^".-.jftjl : ^lsthatalll*fif asked. , ''^ : ■■■'■&■■'' "Every bit, sure as you live, Macpherson!" cried the Confederate Ghost; sad, jumping up, I began- to iwhistle the air of u MoWy,])ut the kettle on," and then, seizing each roJfaer'§}hand% we danced a compound double-shuffle for thiljfcy minutes, in honor of Gettys- bujife This magnificent exhibition was interrupted by twinges of excruciating pain, ^which caused the'^host to writhe and swear like a , 3qja® , .with the gout. J' What nowjf I enquiJid; 172 ■_*. THE MACPHEESON LETTEKS. " That disease," lie answered, " is known in the Con- federacy as 'Boseorans m the Legs? Whenever a Con- federate General gets that disorder, he starts off at a double-quick, and cannot stop until he falls, out of wind. I've got the disease !" he cried, with a tone of terror. " I caught it in Tennessee and Pennsylvania. Curse those malarious Yankee dens of death and per- dition!" And so exclaiming, the Ghost started off, and ran so smartly that even I, fleet of limb as I am, could scarcely keep up. Over the blasted heath, through the silent streets of Madisonville, down the lane, and around the dilapidated hospitable abode, ran the fleet-footed Ghost, with Macpherson at his heels. The Idiotic Boy jumped out of bed, and joined in the chase, without waiting to dress. In vain did we try to tree him — in vain to intercept him ! To run, run, run, now and forever, seemed to be the strong passion that possessed his Soul, and bound his body obedient to the Will. " Tullahoma !" he cried, as he leaped a wide ditch. " Chattanooga !" he screamed, as he jumped a fence, and fell on the other side, exhausted. and appar- ently defunct. Raising him to his feet, I rubbed his head with a shoe brush until the left eye opened, his lips quivered, and he faintly whispered in my ear the word " Bragg-adocio !" A Strange Phenomenon. Now it was that a most extraordinary phenomenon . presented itself to my eyes. The Ghost, starting up, suddenly leaped in the, air like a bullet-pierced Indian, and fell to the earth in two pieces. Upon examination, EXTRA.OEDESf.AEY PHENOMENON. 173 I discovered that he had been clean split in two length- wise, as even and slick as though an immense razor, dropped with the accuracy of a guillotine and the power of Hercules, had severed him in twain. It ex- tended to the top of the cranium. One piece was, in short, the right half of a : human body, and the other the left half. ' It now became doubtful whether conscious- ness would ever return; but return it did, and each separate part began to talk on its own hook, the left part saying his name was J. Davis, and the right that his name was Magruder Lubbock. The conversation of the two was so incoherent and contradictory, it was evident neither side knew what the other was about, and both bled so copiously that I was in constant fear of instantaneous dissolution. I asked J. Davis to give me the name of this extraordinary disease, and he re- plied that it was called " Open Mississippi Rimer" in the Confederacy. " When a man "gets this disorder^" he continued, " his case is incurable ; there is no possi- bility of ever again uniting his disjointed parts. I caught it at Vicksburg and Port Hudson, and there is no medicine in the world that can do me good !" Visit to New Orleans. The Idiotic Boy and myself tore up a Confederate blanket, and with the pieces tied together the two parts the best we could, and all three of us started for New Orleans in a butcher's cark As if wonders would never cease, when we arrived in front of the St. Charles Hotel, I found that half of the Ghost had disappeared. On enquiring of the remaining half what had become 174 THE MACJPHEKSON LETTEBS. of his fellow, lie replied that on drawing up before the Hotel, the right eye had espied General "Weitzel stand- ing on the steps, and had immediately left for Texas, procuring a new crutch at Brashear City. Curiously did I watch the movements of the remain- ing half of the Phantom Confederate. He strayed leis- urely down to the Clay Monument, and informed the crowd that foreign intervention was now a fixed fact, and that a French fleet was about to be sent to New Orleans, in obedience to the petition of our French cit- izens to the Emperor, through their consul herej'to be protected against a negro insurrection that broke out • in this city on the Fourth of July, and has been raging with terrible fury ever since. Having made all his friends in that neighborhood happy, by this announce- ment, he then walked up to Carondelet-street and visit- ed the Cussed Fool, who read Vallandigham's second letter aloud from the balcony, to an admiring audience. At this stage of the proceedings an Extra Eea an- noxmced the total suppression of the great Confederate Revolution in New York city, whereupon the Phan- tom put on a look of dismay, and disappeared through the back door, in a sudden and unaccountable manner. I have not seen him since. Let no one question the literal truth of my ghost story. I give the world the untarnished honor of a Confederate soldier and a chivalric Southern gentleman, that every word I have written is exact, literal truth. Tours, intermittently, James B. Maophee60N. ■■ ONE MAN BE9PON8LBIJ3 FOE ANOTHER'S ACTS. 175 CHAPTEE XXI. Macpherson is Arrested for Assault and Battery. — He Expounds the Law of Responsibility. — He" visits Po$t Hudson and Vicksburg.— He tests the HoMcBbPAtmo- Principle, and is Chased by the Devil, etc., etc. -• .,..;, Note. — The Author takes tie liberty of" introducing ah extract foom a very complimentary introduction to the main portion of the following letter from the Indianapolis Journal, as explanatory of its spirit. " The responsibility of the ' Abolitionist ' for the beating MaO- pherson gave the 'nigger,' is exaetlj that which the Copperheads fasten upon the people of the North for the Southern rebellion. ' If you had only done what the South wanted,' they say, ' there would have been no war. Why- didn't you get dwvm* on your knees and lick the dust, and take yoiJS kickipg kindly, as we did, and wanted you to do ? If you had, this unnatural and unconstitutional war would never have happened. Tou are responsible for it. The blood is all on your skirts, you mean, cowardly wfoelps.?- Macpherson epitomizes the speech of Judge Perkins before the K. CJ. C.'s last winter ' tp.a dot.' The judge, himself, could not state* its main point and spirit better.'* - • - MADISONVrLLB, LA., August 22d, 1863. > See : — As I was: going along Rampart street,. In New Orleans, last Wednesday, I met a nigger on one side of the street and an Abolitionist on the other. " Abo.," I said, " you go over and pull that nigger's, wool." " What for ?" asked Abo. " Because I tell you to," I replied. " It wouldn't be right," replied Abo. ; " ihe boy has done me no harm, and I shan't pull his wool." "If you don't do it," I replied, "I'll knock him down and pound him within an inch of his life," 176 THE MAOPHEEBOST LETTEE8. "I shan't do it," said Abo.; "and I would like to know what he has done to yon." " Nothing," I replied, " but he's a nigger, and that's enough. If you'll pull his wool I'll let him off. But you won't, and if I whip him to death, you'll be re- sponsible for it, you vile inhuman, Abolition renegade ! Where's your humanity for the nigger ? Where's your philanthropy % Where's your regard for human rights and liberties ? The owner and overseer are the only true friends of the nigger ! I implore you to save him from the awful mauling I'll give him; but you won't, you infernal, hypocritical, sneaking, puritanical, drawling, damned Massachusetts, Boston, round-head Yankee Abolition fool !" Saying which, with a Btream of fire flashing from both eyes, I rushed upon the darkey with the ferocity of a tiger, knocked him flat on his back, kicked his face into a jelly, and whipped him with . a raw-hide until he wasn't able to stand on his feet, and a stream of blood ran from every vein in his body. "What's yon gone an' done, massa?" said the un- happy wretch, when I let up on him. "I, you black numbskull!" I answered; "/didn't do it : it was that sneaking Abolition nigger-thief that did it. I am your best friend and protector !" A policeman came up and arrested me for assault and battery. I was arraigned at the bar as a crimi- nal, and made the following address to the Court : Macphersorits eloquent Plea m, Defense. " May it please the Court : I do not suppose any thing I can say will alter your predetermined decision, or DEFENSE- FOB BEATING. THE NIGGEK. 177 your fixed resolution to offer me up as a sacrifice to Abolition fanaticism. As Socrates stood up to be tried by a pack of heathen numbskulls, so do I stand up in the^preeeiice of Yankee nincompoops, who no more comprehend and understand the rules and regulations of Confederate Courts of Justice, than.Jeff. Davis com- prehends the meaning of his own proclamations. . And as Socrates fell a prey to the lubberheadedness of the Pppnla^i Athenian tribunal, so shall I fail, with all my learning, to prevent this besotted Court from; commit- ting Scandalum Magnatum — an offense against Con- federate prelates and dignitaries, which;; under the old statutes of England, was no offense when committed against, common folks, buta crime when done t&, big men like me. K" eviertheless, if the truth can permeate your bestial intellects,, allow me to call your attention to the law of this case. In the first place, I take the ground that the authority of Governor Moore and the Louisiana Legislature (which at last accounts was in session behind the Rocky Mountains), is in force in this city, and that the Black Code of Louisiana is binding upon Yankees who come into the Department of the Gulf. I also plead the usages and customs of the Con- federates in justification of my conduct ; and this brings me to a logical analysis of the case. The wit- nesses against me. are two — a nigger and an Abolition- ist. Under the Black Code of Louisiana, a slave's testimony cannot be taken in a Court of Justice, and under the former precedents and usages of this great Confederate Commonwealth, an Abolitionist should be hung without trial. Therefore, the nigger's: evidence is no evidence at all, and the Abolitionist has no busi- 178 THE MACPHEKSOBT LETTERS. ness here ; he had better go North and sing psalms, and not venture into my Department, for if he does I'll hang him higher than Hainan or John Brown. I there- fore ask the Court to discharge me, send the nigger back to Confederate slavery, and hang the Aboli- tionist." The Court didn't see it, and. so I continued my thrill- ing discourse: " In the second place, the Abolition Cuss is responsi- ble for the pounding of the darkey ; since, had he pulled his wool as I requested him' to do, I should not have touched the black brute. But Horace Greeley is the author of this war, and Wendell Phillips got up the late riots in New York, as I can prove to you by an editorial in one of the New Orleans papers : and what can you expect of an Abolitionist any how ? They alone are responsible for the war and for slavery, and therefore I ought to be discharged." In spite of this irresistible logic, which should have secured my instant release, the Court declined to let me off, and was about to pronounce sentence, when I jumped out. of the second-story window, and made off for Madison ville so fast that the whole Department of the Gulf couldn't catch me. Maepherson visits Port Hudson and Vickshwrg. I went up to Port Hudson and Vicksburg on the steamer Crescent, with a whole load of Yankee generals, colonels, congressmen, lawyers, and editors, and shed tears of inconsolable grief as I gazed upon the deserted Confederate rat-holes behind the parapets of Port Hud- APPARITION Off THE DEVIL. 179 son, where we stopped to look at the works. Not believing that the place had been taken, I enquired for the headquarters of General Gardner, and was direct- ed to an old house that had many holes through the roof, and the balcony clean knocked off by Yankee shells. ;■,. ■ " Is General Gardner in ?" I enquired of a sentineL " Yes," was the reply, " he is in jail." I knew then that Port Hudson was taken, and so telegraphed to the Cussed Fool of Carondelet street. I regret to add that my observations at Vicksburg were equally unsatisfactory. 8imiUa SimiUbus Curcmtwr. Heart-sick and discouraged at the drooping condition of the Confederate cause on the Mississippi, I returned to Madisonville, and devoted myself wholly to drink- ing. Having swallowed one demijohn of Louisiana Kum, I became beastly drunk ; and then it was that the great principle of Hahnemann — " like cures like" — burst upon my mind. If it be true, I thought, that like cures like, then will another demijohn of the same de- structive liquid restore my mind and body to their ac- customed activity. Accordingly I applied the remedy in doses larger than those which had produced the disease, and it resulted in a perfect cure. I got over being drunk, but in doing so I got the delirium tre- , mens, which lasted me for two weeks, and confined me to my room. That is the reason I have not written any letters recently. I never suspected that the Devil was a hod-carrier. 180 THE MACPHEESON LETTEBS. until I was prostrated by this singular disorder ; but as soon as the thing was fairly on me, I saw him with a hod of bricks on the top of his head, grinning at me hideous- ly, and every now and then picking out a brick and pitching it at my head with unerring aim. I cut around the house because the Devil was after me, but he was too fast, and hit me at every step. He was dressed in gray uniform, a good deal soiled and faded, and his shoes had burst out so that it showed his cloven foot. This performance continued at intervals for fourteen days, and whenever the Old Boy chased me around the house, he hummed the following : DITTY, SUNG BY OLD SCRATCH AS HE CHASED MACPHEE- SON WITH BRICKS. Dear Jeff, 's sick they say, Bat I mean, he shall stay On earth a while longer ; My cause will he stronger With his plotting you see ; So a while let him be t Secession I like, It was a ten-strike ; My clerks are all busy — Writing names till they're dizzy ! Yet awhile, it is planned, Jeff's card-house shall stand! I like men that lie So much faster than I Ever could, I believe, E'en in dealing with Eve ! Yes, the Rebs a/re, a wonder, They lie bo like thunder I I love New York rioters And slung-shot proprietors, Who'll burn an Asylum ; Not yet will I "spile" 'em I the devil's ditty. 181 I've siisjpeiided rily orders To bring 'em into my borders I The Copperhead fection Suits majust to a fraction,. They follow Fernando And play to my hand so, And never pull triggers But in shooting poor niggers I And as .for, that standing fh£m, Mr. "^allandigham, And New York Judge MeCunn, There never was better one ; They preach habeas corpus And blow like a porpoise ! Yet a while let 'em hobble, Bnt soon will I gobble The whole, as guerillas Seize chickens or fillies, , With greater momentum Than grape could have sent 'em I When lie finished up the performance of this ditty, he disappeared, and I arose clothed and in my right mind. Yours, occasionally, J. BuoHANAsr Maopheeson. 182 THE MA0PHEE60N LETTERS. CHAPTEE XXII. Macpherson is seized with the Newspaper Mania, and de- termines TO BECOME AN EDITOR. He DISSOLVES THE ARM* OF MaDISONVILLE, ETC., ETC. Note. — At the time this letter was published, a great number, pf newspaper schemes were on foot in New Orleans. No less than three new dailies were in contemplation, beside one which had actually been started.; Madisonttlee, La., Oct. 9 i; 1863. Sin : — Returning from the Convention of General Magruder and the kicked-out Governors, recently held in Texas, I stopped in New Orleans on my return. But I soon discovered that a malignant and destructive con- tagion had broken out in that city, which, in its devas- tating ravages, spared neither age, sex, color, nor condi- tion. From the high in position down to the lowest son of a gun, it took all, sparing none in its onward and miraculous progress. As the hot and noxious, simoom sweeps over the burning sand, while a thick sulphurous exhalation rises from the earth, first in hurried gyra- tions, and then ascends the air and covers the whole heavens — while hissing and crackling noises are heard, and animal life perishes as though touched by Greek fire, even so had this pestilent epidemic seized with an unyielding grasp every one who ventured within the circle of its magic influence. The millionaire was taken in the midst of luxury and splendor ; the lawyer in his office ; the literati in garrets ; fair women fell its vie- - A MALIGNANT CONTAGION* 183 tims ; even a Confederate^ fresh, from Fort Jackson^ was stricken before he had been threef*dsys from prison^ My first impulse was to -skedaddle, as unceremoni- ously as the ReliableGentleinan of the-St. Charles Hotel did, When he heard there was a case of yellow fever in town* ■ But learning that the' disease seldom proved fatal, except to the pocket, I determined to take my chances,, especially as I had no money, and was, in fact, a tt^elling object of charity. But I had not beeii in the city two hours before I was seked with a violent and uncontrollable desire to start a daily newspaper, or to get an interest in one already started. It came upon me like a flash of lightning hurledbythe hand of Jupfc ter, when he darts 'tie destructive bolts froftthfwmmit of divine Olympus ; and it worked upon my mind in a manner so violent .that I soon fell sprawling on the fjloor, as/ flat as one of Sylvanus Cobb's noVelsi' The crash of my fall tastily brought a friend to my sidei- "(Sreat Heaven!" he exelaimed; "Maepherson has.i|||$$ ;the contagion! .Aj, physician,- quick! for the loveof Confederate InteHect!" A distinguished physician soon; appeared, felt of my bounding, pulse, and' began to quption me as to the symptdfisiof the disorder. "This desire to start a newspaper," be began — " have you .ever had it before ?" _■■$*■■ -,■, .•* '■'■" "Only in slight degree," I : . answered" hiim,. "For some ^tirne I have had it in my head to put ihii Idiotic <$3©y, in editorial charge of a papefc; for the manner in? which the press in New Orleans is conducted, has con- vinced me that he would be .a' bright. and ^ shinli^light amon^hisveotenaporaries; But that was as nothing compared to the desire which. I now feel; A wild 7 , 181 THE MACFHEKSON LETTEB8. restless fatality, an irresistible purpose, consume me, as if one of Gillmore's batteries had been opened, Bweeping Greek Eire through my bones." " There is no doubt as to what ails you," said the good Doctor, shaking his head gravely ; " you have caught the prevailing distemper, known in medical parlance as the Newspaper Mania ! " "Is there no remedy ! " I asked. " Only one that I know of," he answered. " And what might that be ? " I inquired. " To pay the bills of some newspaper establishment for a month," he replied, "receiving in return the re- ceipts of the concern, has, so far as my observation goes, proved an effectual remedy for all complaints of this nature." " Is the remedy severe ? " I asked, " Alas ! yes," he answered ; " none but millionaires can indulge in it; and unless you have plenty of metal, your case is hopeless;" I therefore harried back to Madisonville* hoping that a change of. climate and the quiet repose of my home, might restore my mental equilibrium ; or that, con- certing measures with the Honest Jew, I might gratify the terrible desire that now burned to the very mar- rpw of my bones. Imagine my horror, therefore, when on reaching my abode, I found that the very disorder from which I had hoped to escape, was raging with tenfold fury in Madisonville. The Idiotic Boy, first among the vic- tims, had already started a daily, and was astonishing the human race with the wisdom and genius of his leaders. Three SSere,t. prospectuses were in circulation THE NEWSP'AFEeI PROJECT. 185- for rival sheets j and even the rmiHiary'had not escaped'- the distemper. The Whole Buzz-Saw Division had tnrned u '3ff fe':printers, and every stationer '&»*§' bobhseHer in town was 'prMin^'f'o^tfe^L • I "asked 5 the' Honest Jew, how much the average profits of a ! newspaper were ; and he answered with glowing eyeballs", that ; a daily newspaper made' a hundred thousand ' dollars' sjevery three days ; and that it was his intention to ; set two running at dheejiu a large b^ildiMg^frbntiiig on !; Mtreets^-a 'rieWspkper at each end. ■ Both, he said, ycould beprmted f^bm the same form, and'as the public would never read either,* they would -not discover" the* base deception. -* : "- ; '-' •-'•'' *'' '• "The press of Madison ville is already lftrgef I be- gan; "its papers, in fact, are more numerous than its' readers ; and if we a¥e' tb establish a hew cdticef n, or seize an old one, we must Advocate some prfacfpM that nobody^bfelieVed, or ever can believe; sdthat burs will- be the exclusive organ of that Idea, and meiet with no competition." r "•■■'■■"" ■■■ "Vat brinciple do ybtt cdl'dat ? " enquired the Is- raelite. ; ■•' .'• ■ _-;}'" ! '''-^ '•''•';; » ' -fW,.-*j \tfyf u " That;" I repled, " is yet to 'be Mffved - frbnl Jtl^; Mammoth Brain ofhimhbwhefbVeyou; it is a-q'uel^ tion of intellect that I alone can §olve.' ? .v'*l "lhave him ! "said the Jew ''*' "What is it? 'pasted. -''* '' ' "''•* .." No brinciple ! " he replied, with a Ibbk of triumph'? " Brjhbiple be tampt ! Bublish a 8'aper mit'rib brin^ ^'jut. the great "Idea^I saW, ' was f ''^^MW^^$ I would buy or seize "'all the newspaper 'lestablisffien^f ; 186 THE BIAOEfiERSON LETTERS. in Madisonville ; all their presses, all their types. 1 would then construct a building of 'gigantic propor- tions, eighteen stories; high and. five thousand feet front on four streets, and into this magnificent temple of art should be put all the materials of all the offices in this city ; and my great mind and overshadowing genius should be the ruling and guiding spirit of the splendid whole. All rival factions would then bow to me, and all give me their patronage.. The lion should-, lie down with the lamb, the ^Confederate with the Yankee, the tiger with the jackass, the- elephant with the baboon, and the greatest man of the age should lead them. Filled with this Idea, even as my insides were filled with liquid Rum, I arose and issued the following : General Order So, 9. HeAdqttaetKSS, Department of Madisonviixe, , • Madisonville, La., Oct. 1st, 1863. The General Commanding announces that the Army efi Madison- ville is hereby dissolved. Tho men have fought bravely -without pay, and I should consider it an insult to their pride and_ patriot- ism to offer them money in this late stage of their ,pxotriac3pi. , j|de- privations and sufferings. They will, therefore, be Imineqaately mustered out of the service without further compensation than tie: consciousness of having done their duty, and of having served under the greatest warrior of ancient or modern times. The; money which would have been paid to the troops under different circumstances, will be turned over to the Honest Jew, who will disburse the same in accordance with verbal instructions from these Headquarters. Soldiers Of the Department of Madisonville ! your swords shall fee .beaten into printing presses, and your bay- onets into ink-rollers; no more shall you grapple withV bloody foes, but you shall stick type and do job printing. But, under, all circumstances, you will be cheered by the grateful reflection that your General will retain his rank and pay, whether sweating macpherson'b editorial programme. 187 blood on the field of carnage, or swaying the destinies of the hu- man race with the editorial pen;. By command of Majok General James B. Maophekson. The Idiotic Boy, Chief of Staff. Thus, Consolidation and the downfall of all rivalry- is, the grand Idea that now possesses me. I shall ex- fc(li8nge the gray gory garments of war for the editorial robe, and shall make my paper the organ of every prin- ciple and sentiment known to mankind. I shall take .one position in one article and follow it immediately by ^aaother, taking' a directly opposite view ; and thus will ' I be able to conciliate all conflicting opinions and in- terests. Farewell "the plumed troop and the big wars that make ambition virtue ! Oh, farewell the braying mule and the shrill trumpet, the ear-piercing fife, the Confederate flag, and all the pride, pomp, and circum- stance of glorious war— except the pay ! And oh, you mortal Confederate engines, whose rude throats the im- _- mortal Jove's dread clamors poorly counterfeit, Fare- well ! — Macpherson's occupation's changed ! Tours, undeviatingly, James B. MACPHEEsoisr. 188 THE MACPHEESON LETTERS. CHAPTER XXIII. Macpherson, disgusted with the Newspaper Business, re- solves to acquire Office and Civil Renown. — The Restoration of Civil Government in Louisiana. — Mac- pherson is elected Governor of the State, etc., etc. Note. — The pro-slavery party of Louisiana, hoping to retain Hie " divine institution" in New Orleans and other parishes where it was not abolished by the President's Proclamation, formed a scheme to hold an election on the second day of November, 1863, the day fixed by the old Constitution, for a Governor, Congressmen, State officers, and a. Legislature. Of course there could have been no legality or au- thority in such an election, since it had not been called by the Gov- ernor; or countenanced in any manner by the military authorities. The State officers who were in Louisiana previous to the outbreak of the rebellion, had deserted their posts and joined the Confed- eracy ; and the only government in Louisiana, since the occupation of New Orleans by the United States forces, has been the military government. A few Copperheads — perhaps twenty, all told — met secretly in Masonic Hall, and nominated candidates for the different offices. Their proceedings and designs were kept profoundly secret, as long as possible. They determined that on the Wednesday pre- ceding the election, they would issue a call for a mass-meeting, to be held the next Saturday evening, to ratify their nominations. In other words, the people were to have five days' notice before the election. The matter "leaked out," however, a little sooner than the conspirators intended to have it. But on the Wednesday pre- ceding the day fixed for the election, the Masonic Hall clique issued; an " Address to the People of Louisiana," calling upon them to con- vene at the usual places of voting, the next Monday, and elect civil officers, and assuring them there was " nothing to prevent" it ; that the military would not interfere, and that this course would meet the approval of the national government. " On the second of November, then," said the address, " go to the polls and cast your votes as usual ; your chosen Congressmen will take their seats on the first Monday of December ; your chosen Legislators will meet on the third Monday of January and organise ; your State officers will on the same day be MACPHERSOBT EST THE STEWSPAPEE BUSHffESS. 189 inaugurated, and thus the wheels of civil government will be once more set in motion in our State, and we trust prosperously and for the benefit of mankind. Fail to make this little effort, and your last opportunity for renewing Civil State Government, in accordance with legal provisions, will fruitlessly pass, with the probable de- struction of Republican Institutions. * * * " Let us arise, then, and gO forth and perform the imperative and sacred duty of electing the officers of a Civil Government in Louisi- ana, on Monday, the second day of November, the time appointed by OUT laws ; and if we fail, it, may be the last time we will have the power of acting as freemen." The purpose of this movement, it was well understood, was to re- store the infamous Black Code of Louisiana — a code most barbarous in its provisions — and to re-establish slavery on its former founda- tions. But the scheme, as soon as it was exposed, subjected its authors to such ridicule and contempt, that they "backed out" of it,;. and published an announcement that the election would not be held, since It 'was feared that the people would not vote! But the end.it seems was not yet ; for the gentlemen who were nominated by Masonic Hall, had the assurance to claim that they were entitled to exercise the offices for which they were named, on the ground that had the election been held, they would have received a majority of the votes I 'JSfearly all the men nominated by Masonic Hall for State officers were residents of New Orleans. Some of them were notorious for their rebel proclivities ; some had signed or voted for the Ordinance of Secession, in the Convention of 1861. MADISONVTLLE, Li., October 30th, 1863. Sie : — As. the Devil, after the great secession move- ment described by Milton, was hurled headlong flam- ing from the ethereal sky, with hideous ruin and com- bustion, down to. bottomless perdition, there to dwell in adamantine chains and penal fire, so had I been pitched heels over head from the lofty position I once occupied, and was nowhere. The few days' experience I had in the newspaper business came near worrying the life out of me. Every five minutes during the night, my door-bell would ring furiously, and some new candidate for newspaperial fame and wealth would 190 THE MACPHEESOlf LETTERS. present himself, with propositions to buy me outsat half price or to steal the concern outright, until finally ' in disgust I told the Honest Jew to take the whole con- . Cern'and go to the devil with it, or anywhere else, pro- vided he would give me an hour's sleep. Having disbanded the army of Madisonville, and the Buzz-Saw Division having all turned job printers, I have felt my powers sensibly decline. I turned my; at- tention to philosophy, which is a good thing in its way ; but even Soerates was as poor as a Confederate paclkk horse, and was abused for it by his wife. In short, phi- losophy don't pay bills. Therefore, having lost military power, I determined to acquire enough civil grandeur to make up for it ; and I planned a grand scheme for inaugurating civil government in Louisiana. Secresy was very important, since the plot was owe so wis^that the lubberly-headed masses of the people' could never comprehend or appreciate it. Therefore, I called a meeting of the faithful in the attic of my dilapidated hospitable abode, to lay before them the splendid con- ception that had sprung from my Mammoth Brain": The better to ensure secresy, a grip and pass-word: were adopted. The grip consisted of a grab at the nasal or- gan, and the pass-word was : " Treasury? The fol- lowing distinguished statesmen were present : James Buchanan Maepherson, the Confederate Phi- losopher and Southern Blower ; his son, and Chief of Staff, the Idiotic Boy ; his Quartermaster, the Honest Jew ; his Commissary, the Unhappy Cuss ; his .Chief of Cavalry, the Solitary Horseman ; his Chief of Artil- lery, the Inconsolable Thug ; his Chief of Signal Corps, the Southern Source ; his Judge Advocate, the Weep- rBTAUGUEATING CIVIL GOVERNMENT. 191 ing Orphan ; his Aids-de-Camp, the Macedonian, the Reliable Gentleman, and the Cussed Fool of Carondelet- street. It was a touching sight, and one calculated to bring tears to the eyes of an alligator, to look upon this as- sembly of fallen greatness. Every man of them had ^njoyed a fat office under me in the days of my martial glory ; but now they looked like a set of darned loafers, with lank jaws and seedy breeches. They reminded me of the congregation of registered enemies that Satan got around him in the infernal regions, after his repulse by the heavenly army. I arose and addressed them as follows : Maqpherson's Address. r ;& 1T "J|ell0w-eitizens- of Louisiana! "We address you as .loyal to the Government." [A voice: " Which GoveEE- ment ?"] Macpherson : " None of your d — d business, you hounds ! Wait till my scheme is put into execu- tion, and then learn what it is by the results. As loyal citizens you have duties to perform to me and your- ; $i§Ives, your State and country. We are in danger, and ..jaaaaediate action is required. The fact is, you are like me in one respect — you all want office ; and the want of civil government, in our State can, by a proper effort on your part, soon be supplied, under laws and a Con- stitution formed and adopted by yourselves, in a time of profound peace. It is made your duty as well as your .right,- to meet at the usual places, and cast- your votes for me as Governor, and for yourselves to fill the -best offices in the State. Heretofore in our history the direction of these elections has been had by legal 192 THE MACPKEK60N LETTEES. agents ; but the legal agents now have no authority of any sort, and, therefore, we will take charge of the whole business ourselves. We held a State election in 1861, and nothing has since happened that amounts to any thing. We promise you that the military will not interfere, there being none in this part of the country ; and we think we can assure you that your action ...in this respect will meet the approval of the National Gov- ernment." [A voice : " Which National Government ?"] Macpherson : " Dry up, you vagabond ! We urge upon you action in this important crisis. It will convince the world of our wish and determination to manage the offices of the State and the public revenue in the man- ner most satisfactory to ourselves ; it will encourage all desirous of making a splurge in other States, and will have a tendency to cause the soldiers to throw down their arms, and give us our own way, overawed by the civil grandeur that will surround us. Go to the polls then ! Your Governor will assume his constitutional functions, and the Legislature will convene in Madi sonville forthwith ; your Congressmen will take their seats as soon as they can find them." [A voice : " In Washington or in Richmond ?"] Macpherson: "Silence, you low-lived scoundrel! It is our intention to assume our old status, in order that we cau clear the State of Yankee office-holders,, and whip our niggers under our own vine and fig-treij' with none to molest or to make us afraid. Let ;iifi arise, then, and go forth and perform the imperative and sacred duty of electing ourselves to office; and if we fail, it may 'be the last time we shall have the power of acting as freemen^-that is, thrashing the PABCELLraG OUT THE CANDIDATES. 193 diggers and spending the' public fund according to our own discretion ! " jfcv i At the conclusion lathis able and patriotic address, a burst of applause greeted me like the roar of battle. The Southern Source then arose, and stated that he had just had an interview with Jeff. Davis, and had been assured of his approval and support. The Em- peror of France had also promised a land and naval force to co-operate with the new governor. [Applause.] The Idiotic Boy was loudly called for, but declined 'to speak, as he was about to be a candidate for the suffrages of his fellow-citizens for one of the highest offices in their gift. Modesty, he said, prevented him add^g^Hig.iihe.aH«Menee5 but he nevertheless went on and spoke two columns, saying that the facts of seces- sion and rebellion, had changed MotMog, except to turn the offices over to the present$$nlpafi^$jwhich he be- lieved to be a good thing. In conclusion, he expressed the hope that the advertising and job" work necessary to be done, would be given to the paper with which it was well known he was connected. [Hisses by the Stenest Jew and other publish ersliJc I interfered, say- ing, that the newspaper business had played out, and had nothing ta do with political questions. The Honest Jew said : " Pefore I gives mine subbort of der measure, I vish to know if I be made Dreasurer. You makes me Dreasurer, I zteals the bublie funds and tivides mitryou vun half the brofit !" [Applause, and the nomination of the Honest Jew as State Treas- urer by acclamation.] The meeting then proceeded to nominate candidates^ when the following ticket ; was :agreed to: - _y 9 194 THE MAOPHEBSON LETTERS. STATE ELECTION. For Governor: James Buchanan Macpherson, Of Madisonville. For Lieutenant Governor : The Idiotic Boy, Of Madisonville. For Secretary of State : The' Unhappy Cubs, Of Madisonville. For State Treasurer : The Honest Jew, Of Madisonville. For Auditor : The Reliable Gentleman, Of Madisonville. For Attorney General : The Weeping Orphan, Of Madisonville. For Superintendent of Public Education : The Southern Source, Of Madisonville. For Congress — Madisonville District : The Cussed Fool, Of Madisonville. For Congress — State at Large : The Solitary Horseman, Of Madisonville. It was suggested that Madisonville was not properly represented on the ticket. We had the ballots printed GBAND RATIFICATION MEETING. 195 immediately, and to each one was attached the fol- lowing: Notion. — Gentlemen wishing to become members of the State Senate and Legislature, can be accommodated by paying their initiation fee and becoming members of the patriotic association that manufactured the above ticket. As soon as the party is large enough, a candidate will be named for each district in the State. J. B. M., Governor^ Grand Ratification Meeting. It was voted unanimously that time was of great* consequence, and that the sooner we were elected the surer we would be of our offices. Wishing, however, to give the lubberly-headed people a fair show, we called a grand Eatification Meeting, to be held at Merritt's Hotel, in Madisonville, the next morning at five o'clock. The suu was not up when the assembly convened, but that made no difference. On motion, James B. Macpherson, of Madisonville, was chosen President ; and the Idiotic Boy, of Madisonville, was appointed Segj|Sg( tary. A list of Vice-Presidents was then appointed as follows : The Unhappy Cuss, of Madisonville ; the Honest Jew, of Madisonville ; the Keliable Gentleman, of Madisonville ; the "Weeping Orphan, of Madisonville ; the Southern Source, of Madisonville ; the Cussed Fool, of Madisonville;' the Solitary Horseman, of Madi- sonville. The audience consisted' of the Inconsolable Thug, of Madisonville> the bar-keeper of Merritt's Madisonville "Hotel (drunk), and three niggers of Madisonville, sleep- ing on the sidewalk. " Fellow-citizens of Louisiana !" I said, " I am thank- 196 THE MACPHEESON LETTEBS. M for the honor conferred upon me, in being called to preside over the deliberations of this great assembly. I am happy to greet my fellow-citizens of Louisiana upon this auspicious occasion. [Three cheers by the Inconsolable Thug, who knocked down the barkeeper, by way of a ' tiger.'] Our principles are well known. "We go for restoring the State as it was before the Yan- kee brutes came down here and took New Orleans ; and we believe that the offices of a State belong to the great men of the State. If elected to the office of Gov- ernor by the suffrages of the people, I shall perform the duties of the office in a manner perfectly satisfactory to myself." [Applause on the platform.] The Idiotic Boy suggested that the ticket had t been enthusiastically endorsed by the people of Louisiana, and that the election ought to come off at six o'clock the same morning. We therefore adjourned to the usual places of holding elections, and in fifteen minutes there- after the polls closed. The result was proclaimed in a rl^ud tone of voice, and it was found that every candidate nominated in the attic had been elected with- out opposition. The only disturbance at the polls was occasioned by the Inconsolable Thug, who rolled up his coat and pulled off his sleeves, and fought the barkeeper and the niggers for the drinks. At seven o'clock a. m. of the same day, I was solemnly inaugurated Governor of the State of Louisiana. The ceremonies were performed at Merritt's Hotel, Madi- sonville. A high stool was arranged in front of the bar, with a decanter and glass within reach ; and on this stool I took my seat, looking as wise as though I MACPHEB80N AS GOTEENOE. 197 had had my head soaked in sage tea for four months ; while on my left was the Lieutenant-Governor elect and the other State dignitaries. The oath was administered by the barkeeper, after which I delivered the following Inpfg'tiral Address ':' '^Fellow-citizens of Louisiana ! It is customary on occasions of the solemn inauguration of the Chief . Magistrate of the State, that his predecessor should be present. But in the present instance I am authorised to say that it .is not convenient for Governor Moore to attend. I beg leave to say that I shall pursue the same policy that he did, and I sincerely pray that my gubernatorial career may be crowned with results no less brilliant than those he realised." . Amid the plaudits of the crowd, I was then escorted 'to theD. H. Abode, now become the Executive Man- sion, amid salvos of artillery from a hundred-pound wooden howitzer. I rode on. a triumphal horse-car decorated with old newspapers and drawn by eight j ackasses. The officers of State having: been sworn in, I issued the following : PROCLAMATION TO THE Jjg^PLBjjOF LOUISIANA. I, James Buchanan Maephers'on^ having been unanimously elected Governor 'of* the State of Louisiana, hereby issue thismy Proclamation, ^ad decrJSl as follows : 1. That the State House at Baton Rouge having been- burned down, the seat of Government is removed to Madisonville, where the Legislature will convene at one o'clock this afternoon. 2. The salaries of all public officers sue hereby doubled, and a year's salary shall be drawn in advance. 3. The public debt having increased beyond the capacity of the 198 THE MAOPBERSON letters. treasury, the same is hereby canceHedy arid the State Treasurer will rub out and begin anew. '."'.'. .''. ".».«' ^-3 4. The Confederate Arithmetic is hereby designated as the offi* cial /mathematical system, and the Superintendent of Education will see that none other is tanghti' 5 . '", .''''[■ }''■ 5. Civil government having now been firmly established, in the whole of Louisiana, the United States army is directed, to pack up and leave by the next steamer for the North ; and #v/isjgr dammed Yankee found in the State after.the second day of November, will be hung to a lamp-post. •,-,,, ,» T In witness whereof, I have hereunto setthe seals of the State of Louisiana, on the twenty-eighth day of October, Anno Domini one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Southern Confederacy, three. "' By the Governor. The Unhappy Cttss, Secretary of State. I will now conclude my epistle, expressing the hope that the life of the undersigned may be prolonged to an unnatural extent, and that he may he re-elected at the expiration of his present term. Tours, Gubernatorially, "■ James Buchanan Macphekson. REBELS WASTnSTG OEFIOE DSDEE MAOPHEBSON. 199 CHAPTER XXIV. The Governor is besieged by Office-seekers. — The inge- nious Method by which he dispersed the. Mob. — The True Southern Patriot, and why he would not accept Office. — The Idiotic Boy chastised. — The Governor- makes a Pilgrimage to Richmond. — The full and au- thentic History of the Congressional Career of the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman, etc., etc. Executive Mansion, Madisonville, La., Dec. 31st, 1863. Sik : — Since my elevation to the lofty position of Governor of Louisiana, every Confederate within five thousand miles of Madisonville has applied to me for an office. I was delighted beyond measure to see the amount of patriotism which these faithful sons of chiv- alry possessed. Every one of them, I found, had first raised the Confederate flag in New Orleans, and had been last to pull it down when the infernal Yankees took possession of that impregnable city. Every one of them had suffered tenfold persecution, and the ago- nies of purgatorial punishment for the holy cause of Southern rights ; and there was not one who did not declare that his soul would swell with gratitude, if I would point out to him a method in which he might immediately spend the remnants of his fortune and pour out his heart's blood for the sacred Confed- eracy. 200 THE MACPHERSON LETTEES. How the Governor got rid of 'em. ' "«^ ^5 " Sweet Gorfed'&r||i? patriots !" I said, addressing them from the roof of the house ; " you all want office.. I sympathise with your honourable, ambition, and I will give every one of you a position [loud shouts of applause on all sides] on certain terms. [Many voices,; ' Give us the terms, Governor !' and, ' We accept.'] Don't be in a hurry about accepting, you hoxinds [.un- til you hear the conditions. You are all anxious to serve the Confederacy in the most effectual manner. [Cries of ' yes,' ' that's • so,' pt cetera.] You would willingly lay down yonr lives, your fortunes, and your sacred honor on the glorious altar of Southern Inde- pendence. [Loud cries of 'yes,' and ' bully for the Gov. !'] "Well, sweet ones ! you shall be accommo- , dated. [Cheers and shouts for fifteen minutes.] Every one of you shall have a posish under my admin- istration, if you will enlist' in the Confederate army for three years or during the war, unless sooner dis- charged !" A hum of voices was heard on all sides, like that described by Homer, when the Greeks issued from their black ships to pounce upon Priam. It grew fainter and fainter, until it fell upon the ear like strains of distant music, and then it died out altogether. On looking about me, I discovered that the vast assembly of patriots had disappeared. Every mother's son of 'em had skedaddled ; not o5ie has since asked for an office or shown his head in Madisonville. JDIOTIO BOY OEinOISING THE 1ETTEBS. 201 The True Southern Patriot, . I then made the acquaintance of the True Southern ^-Patriot ; the man who didn't want office. He was a man of meek manners, and said he only came to assure r.me of his supreme admiration of my great abilities, arid- that he was mine respectfully until death should us part. I asked him if he would like to go to Con- gress, whereupon he seemed' stricken with horror. " jNo," he replied, " the time of my political ambition has passed ; nothing on earth would induce me to accept an office." On questioning him, I found that he already held four offices -under the Confederate Government ; and tolfehis fact I attributed his Reluctance to take a posish. The Idiotic Boy ehastised. I have prepared my letters to The Eba for publica- tion in book form, and the manuscript has already gone on to the publisher in ]5Tew York. It will be the ^greatest work that ever emanated from the human in- tellect, and as a history of Confederate Gloi-y will .«qual in truthfulness the story of Sinbad the Sailor. I gathered all the letters together in a big pile, and taking up a pair of scissors, remarked to the Idiotic Boy that I should cut from them every part not worth printing. " If you do that," replied the Imbecile Youth. " your'book will not make two pages." I flogged him like Satan for that speech. But when 202 THE MAOPHEEBON LETTERS. I came to look over the letters, I found he was alto- gether too near the truth, and for thie I flogged him again within an inch of his life. The Governor's Pilgrimage to Richmond. As the faithful Mohammedans make a pilgrimage to Mecca for the good of the soul, so did I start for Richmond in the search of political power. It will be remembered by the readers of my former able produc- tion, that at the time I was elected Governor of Loui- siana, a whole set of State officers was chosen, and that the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman were elected as representatives in Congress. The election was held in Madisonville before daylight, on the morn- ing of October 28th, 1863, and the barkeeper of Mer- ritt's Hotel administered the oath of office. It may seem strange that the Chief Magistrate of a great State should be hard up ; but such, nevertheless, was the case : for the Treasurer, the Honest Jew, stole all the money, and ran away. I therefore called a council of State, and addressed them as follows : " Brother dignitaries of the Commonwealth of Loui- siana ! called, as all of us were, by the unanimous suf- frages and sufferings of our fellow-citizens, to uphold the dignity and power of the State, and to dispose of the public revenue according to the dictates of our own consciences, it becomes our duty to stand by the ship of State in adversity as well as in prosperity. Honeafc; poverty has been held as a mark of honor by the wisest sages of antiquity ; and if it be in truth an honor, then are we entitled to the highest respect, for there isn't a NOVEL EXPEDIENT TO GET MONEY. 203 red in. the treasury, and it becomes our duty to raise the wind. Happily, an honorable way is open for the ac- complishment of this most desirable object. I have therefore to propose that the Cussed Fool and the Sol- itary Horseman shall go to Richmond to get seats in Congress, if possible. But for fear they may not suc- ceedj I will go with them, and we will collect mileage from the Sergeant-at-arms, before their claim is passed upon by the House. This will yield a very handsome sum, and we will divide it equally among the various officers of the State." This proposition was received with loud, shouts of ap- proval ; and accompanied by the two members of Con- gress and the Idiotic Boy (Lieutenant Governor), we set out for the great Confederate capital. I journeyed over hills and mountains and through valleys, until I ar- rived in a big swamp,, which, I was told, was formerly known as the Chickahominy Bottoms, but is now called Strategy Swamp, because a whole army got swamped while practising strategy in those gloomy regions. I sank to my middle every time I stepped ; and the Idi- otic Boy informed me that it only required a siege of the malarious fever to ruin my constitution and com- plete my military education. I then debouched from the woods, and, lo and be- hold 1 the city of Jeff. Davis loomed upon my vision. " O great Confederate Jerusalem !" I exclaimed, " as all the Honest Jews shall some day be gathered together in Palestine, so shall all the Confederates soon swarm with- in thy gates, when Meade, Grant, and Gilmore im- piously crowd them up in one place. And as the foot- print of Mohammed is preserved in a sacred temple, so 204 .. THE MACPHEESON LETTEES. shall the mark of my Confederate shoes form a shrine, for future generations ?" . ■■•" -^ K -. ., v <*. >• "We then advanced to 1he- city h^ the rig^f^ank, and I •immediately visited the- Executive Mansion, and had an interview, with- Jeff. Davis. Jeff, was glad to see me, hut said he had heen a liittla more near-sighted than usual since Chickamatiga. I told him we camej&i rep- resentatives of a great principle. . 3 ; .r .--. "What principle is that V ashed Jeff.;-; " Mileage," I answered. He said he hoped we would succeed, and that the best plan would he to get the Clerk of the House drunk j and hire him to place the names of th||two Congressmen on the roll before any ohj^ctio^was raised ; and then to apply immediately to .the Serge^t^ at-arms for mileage. - •..,:," ■■; .;,.- ..■•".■ ..%"->. It is a melancholy fact .that; the human mind is so constituted, in some instances,, that it is open to the voice of duty and justice only, after it has received the inducement of a liberal fee. And it is providential, perhaps, that the Louisiana Delegation had no money; otherwise we might have been tempted to try to bribe the Clerk. But we found this unnecessary. The Clerk was anxious to be re-elected, -and. in order, to accomplish this he determined not to enroll the names of any but those who would vote for him, and a promise to vote for him was all that was needed to secure a place on the roll of members. , „.. . : The great and momentous day at last arrived for Congress to assemble. The Louisiana Delegata&il! looked pale and haggard, but I told theni I would* stand- by them untiLthey got their, mileage. ¥e : approached macphekson's two delegates m congress. 205 "|he- Sergeant-at-anns, where, in accordance with in- structions, the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman fell prostrate before that official dignitary, and in tears and lamentations sufficient to move a house, implored him to pay them their mileage. The Sergeant-at-arms replied that he didn't see it, and I haven't seen it yet myself. The Louisiana Delegation then arose to its feet, and we all went into the House of Representatives together, when the following proceedings occurred : Mr. Stevens said: I ask to have the credentials of the persons claiming to be representatives from Louisi- ana read. Glebe: tjust drunk enough to be funny). — The Clerk will gratify the curiosity of the gentleman. [Laughter by the Idiotic Boy, the Louisiana Delegation, and me.] Now came the greatest triumph of my life ; for the Clerk proceeded to read, in a clear and distinct tone of voice, the credentials which Lhad prepared by four weeks' labor, and a careful study of Webster's Diction- ary and the Black Code of Louisiana : CREDENTIALS. I, James Buchanan Macpherson, Governor of the State of Lou- isiana, duly and legally elected by the voters of said State, in pur- suance of my twenty-second letter to the Eha, and the Constitu- tfon and laws, and inaugurated by taking the oath administered by the barkeeper of Merritt's Hotel, do certify that at an election begun and held in Madisonville, before daylight, on the morning of the twenty -seighth day of October, 1863, in accordance with Masonic Hall, for the purpose of electing Representatives from said State and raising the wind, the following named persons were regularly elected to represent said State in said Congress for the term of two years from the fourth day of March, 1863, namely : 206 THE MACPHEKSON LETTEBS. The Cussed Fool. The Solitary Horseman. .*■' >r ., < • All of whom were regularly elected in accordance with the Constitution and Laws of said State of Louisiana, as by me con- strued and interpreted. In testimony whereof, I, James Buchanan Macpherson, Author of the Confederate Arithmetic, Traveller through the Louisiana Lowlands Low, Clergyman, Poet, Philosopher, Plato'of the Con- federacy, Warrior, great Southern Blower, and Governor, elected as aforesaid, do hereby commission said persons, so elected as aforesaid and duly sworn, to represent said. State in the said Con- federate Congress, on condition that they shall pay my hotel bills as long as T remain in Richmond, and divide their mileage with me honorably and justly; and I do hereby give these credentials in evidence of their fair and square election; and I do hereby af- fix my private seal of office, my predecessor and friend, Moore, having carried off the great seal, and having had no opportunity to send it back, in consequence of General Banks chasing him like the devil last spring, from which he has, never recovered ; and my said private seal I have hereunto affixed this twentieth day of November, in the third year of Jeff. Davis, and the year of our Lord, 1883. « -^ , James Buchanan Maopheeson, 1 _^J 1 Governor of the State of Louisiana. My private seal, which I affixed to the' above docu- ment, is the picture of a jackass grabbing at a crib be- yond his reach. Stevens moved to strike the name of the Cussed Fool and the Solitary Horseman from the roll of members ; but was induced to withdraw it, and we proceeded to the election of a speaker. The Louisiana Delegation voted for a candidate of their own, and thus succeeded in getting their names in the Congressional proceedings. The future historian, the unborn Herodotus, will be struck with the appearance of those euphonious names, and he will also be struck by the fact that they never appear afterward. BKOOKS SUSTAINS THE LOUISIANIAN8. 207 After the election ||§a s^0^ the members went up to be : Sw||||; and' now there Was *a*0w* with the Louisiana Delegation. Stevj^p objected to the Louisir ana Delegation, and Brooks came forward, prompt |§ever, to vindicate the cause of inndfeettce, and justice. Bfe'l^d that he boped the House would JH&n in the ordi- nal way, and swear $$) e£ery man,»woman, :and child that applied tf^athnission. It was hard wor&to stand, and he thdught the gentlemen from'^^^a should have seats. If, after admitting them -anti pa;fej|jg their mileage, it should be found desirable to^^ r^rof,|Blem, they could be kicked oul or put out m jjjjjj manner the House should determin^ He knew f nothing of the rMbts of the members from Louisiana, ancf Ijgi diitfft jpjlp -a damn, so long as th^i were good Confederates and would vote on his side*! The country -^'asi rich and could afford ,to pay. These gentlemen had come a ioqg distance for 1 seats, amdC it '^#^iM not be in accordance with the rules of chivalry or 'hospitality to keep them standing, except on one ^jf - the standing committees, ^temrninger could eas4y ppnt off a few mor^ treasury notes. [Applaus'e' by the : £io|isiana^^^^ion.] ' Stevens. — ^^pe^jKpedentials are no £|£$gntials at affi 7 WTho has ever heard of this pretended Gov. Macpherson %■■ [Voice—" $100. The I*ftl."]J r^jgfe what $g|it does he ^claim that title IT^e 16 - has been no election in Louisi- ana, and hpw l^as, it possible for anybody to get elected;? Brooks moved ^atJMacpherson's Twenty-second Let- ter, containing ^account of the State election be read for .^^information of the ignoramus vscho had just tajieii. 1 His seat. He would there find, an official account of the, Ifettai and its results. But it made no difference" 208 THE MAOPHEBSOIT LETTEES. whether there had been an election or not. He put it upon the ground of courtesy. These gentlemen had taken a great deal of trouble, and he believed if they were refused admittance others would be deterred from asking for seats in the House* Stevens moved to refer the members from Louisiana to the committee on credentials. Allen moved to lay the Delegation on the table. Lost. Stevens's motion was then carried ; the banner of freedom and truth trailed in the dust ; the free-born citizens of Louisiana were virtually expelled, from the House. From this moment, in my opinion, dates the visible decline of public virtue in the Confederacy. What encouragement is there, henceforth, for patriots ambitious to go to Congress? None f What way is there left open by which a pennyless Governor like me can pay his hotel bills, if his Mends get nothing to divide with him ? None ! The knees of the Cussed Fool knocked together, and it was in vain that I strove to administer consolation and hope to his wounded and bleeding soul. I asked him to show that the spirit of a man had some place in him yet, and to resign himself to his fate. " Resign !" said he, brightening up ; " that is a good idea. T will resign myself," and immediately he wrote his resignation as member of Congress, which I accepted on the spot, and notified the Speaker of the fact in writing. But that leather-headed ignoramus said the Cussed Fool was no member at all, and he didn't see how he could resign a seat which he never possessed. Therefore, he would not trouble the House with the matter. PROPOSALS FOE MATEIMOKT. 209 The question then arose how we were to get away from the city without paying our bills. "We finally hit upon the expedient of having every thing charged to the Solitary Horseman, who still remains in Eichmond waiting at the door of the House patiently, day by day, for the Committee on Credentials to let him in. He hopes by his patient conduct and meek looks, to arouse the pity of the House ; and praying that he may suc- ceed, I remain, Tours, officially, James B. Macpheesobt. P. S. — Jem. 1st, 1864. — This being leap year, sealed proposals for matrimony will be received until the thirty-first day of December next. J. B. M. THE END. PYOROFT'S COURSE OP ENGLISH READING, ADATTED TO EVERT TASTE ASS CAPACITY, By REV". JOSEPH PYCROPT, B. 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