v^^^ 
 
 _^^^\^».\^\v\\^t^\•«i»,«^^\^»^v^^\\^^\'■^^^w 
 
 ■.vN\\v\'w>\>is>.\\T.\vi;'ii^\'>^- 
 
L33 
 
 m3 
 
 Cornell University Library 
 PN 56.L33B88 1883 
 
 Law and lawyers in literature / 
 
 3 1924 021 271 410 
 
 CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 THIS BOOK IS ONE OF 
 A COLLECTION MADE BY 
 
 BENNO LOEWY 
 
 1854-1919 
 
 AND BEQUEATHED TO 
 CORNELL UNIVERSITY 
 
QJnrtiPll ICaui i>rl|nnl Slibrarg 
 

 DATE DUE 
 
 
 OQZi^ 
 
 —dnnt 
 
 
 
 KJ ^^m^^ 
 
 IJ^ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 GAYLORD 
 
 
 
 PRINTE!> IN U.SA 
 
LAW 
 
 LAWYERS 
 
 LITERATURE 
 
 BY 
 IRVING ^OWNE 
 
 AUTHOR OF "humorous PHASES OF THE LAW," "SHORT STUDIES 
 OF GREAT LAWYERS " 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 SOULE AND BUGBEE 
 
 1S83 
 
A 
 
 h 5 if o:i_ 
 
 copyeight, 1882, 
 By SOULE and BUGBEE. 
 
 JFranftlin prcBs; 
 
 RAND, AVERY, AND COMPANY, 
 BOSTON. 
 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 TT is my purpose to show how the Law and 
 -*- the Lawyers have been depicted in Literature. 
 I shall do this by extracts from the chief drama- 
 tists, novelists, historians, essayists, and moralists, 
 with occasional notes of illustration, suggestion, 
 or protest. There is, undoubtedly, and always 
 has been, a tendency on the part of mankind to 
 rail against and make fun of all the learned pro- 
 fessions. To call the clergyman a hypocrite, the 
 physician a murderer, and the lawyer a liar, has 
 long been one of the favorite amusements of a 
 numerically considerable part of mankind. Much 
 of this is mere badinage, but a good deal is seri- 
 ous ; and in the portion that is not avowedly 
 serious, there is frequently a grain of earnest. 
 The mass of men do not love men who are able 
 to get a living, and attain honors, without the use 
 of money or muscle. The capitalist thinks very 
 
iv INTRODUCTION. 
 
 little of those who do not lean upon capital ; the 
 merchant has no great respect except for the 
 results of trade ; the mechanic is envious of one 
 who is not obliged to toil with his hands. So, 
 from all these classes, there is a continual under- 
 current of chaffing of the professional men. 
 They are only tolerated because and when they 
 are indispensable. The clergyman is called in 
 to scare away the terrors of sickness and death ; 
 the physician is summoned to cure the pains and 
 ills of life ; the lawyer is retained to rescue es- 
 tates, to make wills, to defend against criminal 
 accusations. Quite in proportion to the careless- 
 .ness and indifference, or the hostility and envy, 
 with which the learned men have been regarded, 
 are the slavishness of the dependence and the 
 implicitness of trust which are shown when the 
 learned men become necessary or convenient. A 
 man who is or imagines himself dying forgets the 
 sport he has made of the clergyman's long face, 
 sober dress, solemn ways, set speech, and quarrels 
 with other sectarians, and has him in at once to 
 pray over him. Even if he has neglected and 
 scoffed at him all his life, he is pretty sure to 
 want him toward the last. So, when a man has 
 the gout or the stomach-ache, he forgets what he 
 
INTRODUCTION. v 
 
 has merrily said about calomel and high dilutions, 
 the fatality of medical councils, the appropriate- 
 ness of the doctor's heading the funeral proces- 
 sion, and the like, and shrieks for the doctor in 
 a roaring hurry. And so when a man wants a 
 contract or a will drawn, or to sue, or to defend 
 a suit, or to get rid of his wife, or to prevent his 
 wife's getting rid of him, or to rescue his own 
 estate, or to capture somebody else's, he retains 
 legal counsel, and forgets all about his long 
 speeches and long bills, his wig and his gown, 
 and his green bag, his willingness to serve the 
 first paying comer, and his zeal, which, like the 
 affliction of the hired mourner in the East, is at 
 the service of his client without much regard to 
 his deserts. Men must have somebody to laugh 
 at and abuse, and they do not always restrict 
 themselves to the learned professions in this re- 
 gard. There are certain tradespeople who serve 
 a like purpose ; as for example, undertakers and 
 plumbers, who are avoided as much as possible, but 
 who must be sent for in a hurry when the water- 
 pipes burst, or the pitcher is broken at the fountain. 
 The Law and the Lawyer have oftener been 
 the subject of animadversion and ridicule on the 
 stage than any other class and profession. Per- 
 
vi INTRODUCTION. 
 
 haps they have not suffered more abuse in gen- 
 eral literature than the clergy, but the rascally 
 attorney has always been a favorite • character in 
 the drama. Perhaps the playwrights, themselves 
 originally an ostracised class, desired to bring 
 down a powerful class to their own level. The 
 lawyer is better game than the physician, for it 
 requires the wit of a Moli^re to make any thing 
 of the latter; but the lawyer comes in play so 
 handily that the vulgar playwright, supplemented 
 by a vulgar actor, never fails to bring down the 
 house by caricaturing an attorney. It must be 
 admitted that a virtuous attorney would be of 
 little interest on the stage. He is nothing but 
 a lay-figure, even in Hogarth's " Marriage 4 la 
 Mode." We are all familiar with the conventional 
 attorney of the ephemeral modern drama. We 
 must not waste our time over him. But we will 
 review the more respectable dramatists, and their 
 method of portraying our subject. 
 
 In like manner I shall not try to keep abreast 
 with the absurdities which the crowd of modern 
 light novelists and magazine-writers have endeav- 
 ored to make pass for law. There are, however, 
 occasional writings of this sort clever enough to 
 deserve a passing allusion without warranting an 
 
INTRODUCTION. vii 
 
 extended quotation or commentary. For example, 
 the most graphic account of the deliberations of 
 a jury on which there are eleven obstinate men, 
 that has ever come under my notice, is to be 
 found in a story in "The Century" magazine for 
 November, 1881, entitled "Eli." The queer char- 
 acters constituting the jury are admirably de- 
 picted ; and the various arguments which the 
 eleven brought to bear upon the one are nar- 
 rated with a knowledge of human nature that led 
 me for a moment to suspect that the author is a 
 lawyer, or has sat on a "hung" jury. Especially 
 amusing is the device of the eleven to worry out 
 the one by allowing ten to sleep, and another to 
 argue with him, by turns, all night. But after 
 all, this fine image with head of gold has feet of 
 clay. What is the evidence upon which the 
 eleven are so ready to convict the prisoner of 
 robbery .■' The offence charged is the robbery of 
 a bank-vault, the lock of which is found broken, 
 but which experts say was first unlocked. Only 
 two persons have keys, — the president, and the 
 prisoner (who had recently taken the cashier's 
 place, and performed his duties in his absence for 
 a short time). On the night of the robbery, the 
 prisoner, who was a fisherman, was seen at one 
 
viii INTRODUCTION. 
 
 o'clock coming across the fields from the direc- 
 tion of the bank, with a large wicker basket slung 
 over his shoulders. He said he had been eel- 
 spearing. The president swore that he himself 
 did not rob the bank. This is all the implicating 
 testimony reported. None of the plunder traced 
 to the prisoner, no sudden affluence, no suspi- 
 cious conduct, no confession or significant admis- 
 sion. The prisoner proved a good reputation. 
 This was the evidence on which eleven men pro- 
 posed to convict their reputable townsman ! On 
 such a case a jury might possibly disagree, but it 
 would be eleven to one the other way. Really, 
 the gifted author should have taken legal counsel 
 before he wrote this clever story, just as Bulwer 
 did before he wrote "Night and Morning." 
 
 Two other recent writers of fiction in magazine 
 serials have tried their hands at depicting court- 
 scenes : namely. Miss Woolson, in " Anne," in 
 " Harper's ; " and Mr. Howells, in " A Modern In- 
 stance," in "The Century." Mr. Howells is cau- 
 tious enough, however, not to describe a trial, but 
 contents himself with opening a default in a divorce 
 case. The rascally plaintiff — husband, of course 
 — runs away, and institutes a suit in Indiana — 
 of course, although it might as well have been in 
 
INTRODUCTION. ix 
 
 Connecticut — for divorce for desertion, and gets 
 his decree by default on service of process by- 
 publication in the newspapers. Providentially 
 one of these newspapers falls into the hands of 
 the wife's friends ; providentially her father is an 
 old lawyer up in Maine, who always hated the hus- 
 band, and who starts by next train, and reaches 
 the court just in season, is admitted on motion, 
 makes an inflammatory speech, and providentially 
 then and there tumbles down in a fatal paralysis. 
 The scene is tolerably exciting, but cheap. Miss 
 Woolson tells a wonderful tale of circumstantial 
 evidence, — how a left-handed rascal's left hand 
 found him out. All this is well enough for the 
 readers of "Harper's " and " Century," but neither 
 can be pronounced a great success so far as depict- 
 ing court-scenes is concerned. In this respect, a 
 little story, written by Mr. Deming of Albany, 
 N. Y., and published in " The Atlantic " for April, 
 1882, is far superior. Indeed, I have never read any 
 thing more correctly realistic. As the author is 
 an old court stenographer, he had the advantage of 
 knowing something of what he was talking about. 
 But as nobody tumbles down in paralysis, or is 
 discovered by his left-handedness, of course it 
 is " dull " in comparison with the serials aforesaid. 
 
X INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Of course I shall not include newspapers in 
 the term "literature." For obvious reasons, I 
 shall not say any thing against newspapers ; but 
 they are not literature. They do have a great 
 deal to say against lawyers, and very little in 
 their favor. This is somewhat singular too : for 
 as Napoleon said, if you scratch a Russian you find 
 a Tartar ; so I believe, if you scratch an editor, 
 you very often find a lawyer. Mr. Lecky attributes 
 much of the force and influence of the modern 
 English press to the strong infusion of lawyers 
 in recent journalism. But these lawyer-editors 
 are so powerful individually, and there are so 
 many of them, that it is the part of discretion to 
 let them alone. Their power is a surprise to me, 
 however ; for the man who should stand on the 
 corner of the streets, and utter his sentiments on 
 any subject, political, legal, or moral, and would 
 find no one to pay him any attention, will com- 
 mand wide-spread attention and considerable ac- 
 ceptance if he sets up as an editor, and prints 
 the same sentiments. Such is the superiority of 
 written to parol evidence. The nearest approach 
 to a newspaper to which I shall pay any attention 
 is "The Spectator." I am confirmed in this deter- 
 mination by a recent number of the London 
 
INTRODUCTION. xi 
 
 "Truth" newspaper. When a newspaper assumes 
 superior correctness, not only by its name, but 
 by its conduct, we are entitled to look for some- 
 thing a little above the ordinary in its represen- 
 tations of this subject. Yet in a recent number 
 of this newspaper, we find a story not a whit be- 
 hind the average newspaper in legal absurdity. A 
 lawyer is called on by an utter stranger to draw 
 his will, and is offered the executorship and a 
 legacy of five hundred pounds for his trouble. 
 This is in strict confidence and secrecy ; because 
 the testator proposes to cut off his family, and 
 substitute his valet as beneficiary. The lawyer 
 complies without any inquiries, and it does not 
 even appear that any extra precautions in the 
 execution are taken on account of the benefit 
 which he is to take under the will. After this 
 he gives the testator his check, for two hundred 
 pounds as a loan. Of course, the testator is the 
 valet in disguise. Of course, too, the affair comes 
 out all right ; but it is on account of the superior 
 shrewdness of the lawyer's clerk. So much for 
 Mr. Labouchere, the editor who writes " I " in- 
 stead of "we," and assumes always to tell the 
 "truth." 
 
 I dp hot pretend that the following review is 
 
xu INTRODUCTION. 
 
 exhaustive. It does not present all that I have 
 
 found ; and doubtless there is much that I have 
 
 not found. But I hope that there is enough set 
 
 forth to give the outlines of the portraiture, and 
 
 to amuse readers who have any interest in the 
 
 subject. 
 
 I. B. 
 
 Albany, N.Y., December, 1882. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Addison 154 
 
 Agathias 287 
 
 Ammianus Marcelunus . . . 119 
 
 Anonymous 3 
 
 Aristophanes i 
 
 Bar, Imaginary Meeting of, on 
 
 Death of Sampson Brass . . 348 
 
 Baraton 282 
 
 Barham 335 
 
 Barleycorn, Sir John ■ . . 37s 
 
 Baxter 139 
 
 Beaumont 45 
 
 Beza 297 
 
 Blackstone 230 
 
 B. N 20s 
 
 bocchius 286 
 
 Boileau : . 213 
 
 BORDE 287 
 
 Brass, Sampson, Imaginary Bar- 
 Meeting ON Death of . . . 348 
 
 Brooke 209 
 
 Bryant 272 
 
 Bull and Boat, Curious Case 
 
 OF 399 
 
 Bulwer 96 
 
 Burlesques 301 
 
 Burke 163 
 
 Burton, John Hill 194 
 
 Butler 223 
 
 Cervantes 75 
 
 Chatterton 234 
 
 Chaucer 202 
 
 page 
 
 CninicHiLL 236 
 
 Clerks, Law 402 
 
 Coleridge 173, 256 
 
 CoLLYER, Bishop 137 
 
 congreve 64 
 
 Cooper ..#..... . 100 
 
 CosiN, Dr. John 136. 
 
 Cowen, Esek, his Trial of Shy- 
 
 LOCK 30 
 
 COWPER 239 
 
 CoxE, Peter 266 
 
 Crabbe . 251 
 
 Cross-Examination in Chief . 320 
 
 Crowley, Robert 203 
 
 Cruikshank's Comic Almanacs, 342 
 
 Daniel 208 
 
 Davenant 210 
 
 Davies, John 277 
 
 De Bury 123 
 
 De Foe 237 
 
 Dekker 209 
 
 Des Autelz 282 
 
 De Tocqueville 165 
 
 Dickens 103 
 
 " Dilly and the D's" . . . 330 
 
 Dogs, Trials of 362-386 
 
 Donne 211 
 
 Dramatists . . 1-74 
 
 DuFFERiN, Lady 164 
 
 Earle, Bishop of Salisbury . 145 
 
 Edgeworth, Miss 71 
 
 Emhrson 790 
 
 xiii 
 
XIV 
 
 CONTENTS, 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Epigrams 273-3°° 
 
 Everett, Edward . . . . 17S 
 
 Farquhar 63 
 
 *' Fasciculus Florum "... 277 
 
 Feltham, Owen .... 151 
 Fielding . . . 65-81 
 
 Fletcher .... 45 
 
 Flora, Trial of ... . 377 
 
 Fuller, Thomas . . . 149 
 
 Furetiere 282 
 
 Gay 238 
 
 "Gentleman IN Black" . . . 306 
 
 " Giovanni in London "... 336 
 
 Goethe .... . . . 261 
 
 Goldsmith 250 
 
 Gray 255 
 
 Greene .... .... 5 
 
 Hall, Bishop 213 
 
 Hawthorne 192 
 
 Heads, Lecture on .... 399 
 
 Herrick . 297 
 
 Holmes, Oliver Wendell . 195 
 
 Horace 199 
 
 Hutton . . 286 
 
 Ireland, W. H. . . 268 
 
 Irving . . . 177 
 
 " Jacke of Dover" 143 
 
 James v. Morgan 307 
 
 Jekyll 283 
 
 Johnson, Samuel 162 
 
 JoNSON 18, 298 
 
 Juvenal 198 
 
 Kenny 72 
 
 Knowles 70 
 
 *' Law, a Comic Song" . . . 312 
 Law Clerks and Students . 403-413 
 
 La Fontaine 218 
 
 Lamb 170 
 
 Landor .... .... 174 
 
 Lever 94 
 
 Lindsay 207, 298 
 
 Lines to Bessy, by a Student- 
 
 at-Law . 329 
 
 Lottery, Trial of .... 389 
 
 Lucillius 287 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Madan, Mrs 296 
 
 Mandeville 248 
 
 Marriage, Curious Imaginary 
 Case of Breach of Promise 
 
 OF. 
 
 383 
 Martial . ... 273 
 
 Massinger ^6 
 
 Matthews' Acting ... 73 
 
 Michaelmas Term . . . 312 
 
 Middleton 6 
 
 M0L16RE . 56 
 
 Monody on the Death of an 
 
 Only Client 327 
 
 Montaigne . ... . 130 
 
 Moore, Edward . . 246 
 
 Moore, Thomas . . 258 
 
 Moralists, etc. . - 119-197 
 
 More, Sir Thomas . . . 134 
 
 Napoleon 169 
 
 Neaves . ... . . 281 
 
 NicARDEus . 289 
 
 Novelists 75-118 
 
 Odes 30^ 
 
 Orrery, Earl of 297 
 
 Osgood, Mrs 270 
 
 Oijven's Latin Epigrams . . . 291 
 Pecke's Heroick Epigrams . . 294 
 Pepys . . . ... 148 
 
 Petronius Arbiter . . . 201, 276 
 '* Pictures of the French " . t8o 
 Poets . . . , 198, 272 
 
 " Poor Robin " 340 
 
 Pope 229, 299 
 
 Precedent for a Bill of Costs, 345 
 
 PUCKLE 153 
 
 QUARLES ... 205 
 
 QUEVEDO . . 150 
 
 Rabelais 125 
 
 Racine 52, 362 
 
 Reade 116 
 
 " Recreation for Ingenious 
 
 Head-Pieces" .... ago 
 
 Revenant, I.E 3ga 
 
 RiCHE 141 
 
 "Robin Conscience" .... 311 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 XV 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Rogers 263 
 
 Rose, Sir George 300 
 
 RUGGLB 146 
 
 "St. Peter v, a Lawyer" . . 303 
 
 Sampson Brass 348 
 
 Scott 87 
 
 Selden, John 151 
 
 Sewell 208 
 
 Shaks'peare 29 
 
 Shelley 262 
 
 Sherlock, Bishop 144 
 
 Sheridan 70 
 
 Shirley 42 
 
 Sidney, Sir Philip 135 
 
 Smith, James 299 
 
 Smollett 76 
 
 Songs 301 
 
 Southey 256, 331 
 
 Stephens, John 206 
 
 Sterne 84 
 
 PAGE 
 
 STBVBNSf George Alexander . 399 
 Story 307 
 
 Students, Law . . 
 " Stultifera Navis" 
 
 Swift 158, 
 
 Sylvester, Joshua 
 Taylor, John 
 
 Whiteacre 
 
 Tennyson 
 
 Terence . 
 
 Thackeray . 
 
 Thomson 
 
 Thornborow V 
 
 Trials, Curious Imaginary 
 
 TroiXope 
 
 Warburton, Bishop. , . 
 Warren, Samuel .... 
 
 Webster 
 
 Westminster Hall, Lines 
 
 Ancient Print of . . 
 Wycherley 
 
 402 
 
 . 264 
 281, 297 
 204 
 . 148 
 . 267 
 3 
 97, 332 
 • 235 
 . 308 
 360-402 
 
 . 162 
 329 
 
 99j 
 
 337 
 61 
 
LAW AND LAWYERS IN 
 LITERATURE. 
 
 AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 
 ARISTOPHANES. 
 
 IN the "Wasps" we have a most vivid picture and 
 admirable satire of the administration of law in an- 
 cient Athens. The state treasury was replenished by 
 fines imposed by the courts upon delinquents, and of 
 the money thus extorted a great part was bestowed on 
 public feasts and amusements. Under such circum- 
 stances a rich defendant stood but a slender chance 
 of escape ; and the six thousand dicasts, or jurymen, of 
 Athens, acquired a passionate fondness for attending the 
 courts. In this comedy, Philocleon, an old dicast, has 
 become nearly insane in his eagerness to discharge his 
 ofiScial duties. " He cannot sleep for thinking of the 
 bench, and prefers to his comfortable bed at home a 
 shake-down at the door of the court, that he may secure 
 a good seat in the front row when the business com- 
 
2 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 mences. There, with his staff in his hand, and his judi- 
 cial cloak on his shoulders, his delight is to sit all day 
 earning his three oboli, and having his ears tickled with 
 the gross flattery by which litigant parties at Athens' 
 sought to conciliate the favor of the judges." His son 
 is much disgusted at his father's mania, and determines 
 to prevent his going abroad, and so guards the outer 
 door, and stretches a net over the court-yard. The old 
 dicast tries to escape by way of the chimney, but in 
 spite of his assertion that he is smoke, is dislodged. 
 Next he pretends to be anxious to go out to sell an ass ; 
 but the son offers to do it for him, and bringing out the 
 animal, discovers that the old man had strapped himself 
 under its belly. Another attempt to escape, by creeping 
 along the roof-tiles, is baffled. Just then a chorus of his 
 fellow-dicasts, dressed and painted to resemble wasps, 
 call on their way to court to inquire why their brother 
 does not accompany them. The wasps and the father 
 rail against the son, who, in defence, asserts that his 
 father has been cheated, and that the career of the dicast 
 is a state of abject servitude. The old man insists that 
 he has, by virtue of his office, an almost despotic power. 
 The chorus is appointed to determine the justice of the 
 dispute, and the argument commences. In Philocleon's 
 account of the delights of his oflSce, the poet lashes the 
 abuses of the system with an unsparing hand. The re- 
 sult of the argument is, that the chorus entreat the old 
 man to submit to his son's wishes. But as the passion is 
 still strong on him, the son suggests that he shall insti- 
 tute a domestic court, and try causes at home. Op- 
 portunely a dog, Cleon, appears, and complains that 
 another dog, Labes, has carried off and eaten a Sicilian 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 3 
 
 cheese. The old man insists on trying this cause imme- 
 diately. So the indictment is framed, — 
 
 " The dog of Cydathenus doth present 
 Dog Labes, of yExone, for that he — 
 Singly, alone — did swallow and devour 
 One whole Sicilian cheese, against the peace." 
 
 The trial goes on, speeches are made pro and con ; 
 and the old dicast votes an acquittal for the first time. 
 
 TERENCE 
 
 has his joke on the lawyers in "Phormio, the Parasite." 
 He makes a father consult three lawyers together as to 
 the feasibility of setting aside a judgment of the court 
 upon certain affairs of his son. One advises him that 
 the decree will certainly be reversed ; another that it as- 
 suredly cannot be reversed ; and the third declares it an 
 intricate question, and that he needs time to dehberate. 
 The questioner leaves in despair, saying he is much 
 more at a loss than before. 
 
 ANONYMOUS. 
 
 This very prohfic and talented author, in an obscure 
 play entitled " Sir Thomas More," found in the collec- 
 tion of the Shakspeare Society, and supposed to have 
 been composed about the close of the sixteenth century, 
 introduces us to a merry scene in court. Lifter is haled 
 before the court on a charge of picking a pocket. Smart, 
 the complainant, appears in person, and by Suresbie, as 
 his attorney. The attorney takes the novel ground that 
 the complainant was to blame for carrying so much 
 money as ten pounds, the sum he lost, about him : — 
 
4 LAW AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 " I promise ye, a man that goes abroade 
 With an intent of trueth, meeting such a bootie, 
 May be provokte to that he never meante. 
 What makes so many pilferers and fellons, 
 But such fond baites that foolish people lay 
 To tempt the needie, miserable wretche ? " 
 
 While the jury are out, Sir Thomas More, then sheriff 
 offers the prisoner, if he will pick the attorney's pocket, 
 to bring him safely off from this accusation. This is 
 done, and the purse is handed to Sir Thomas. The 
 jury find the prisoner guilty. He is sentenced to die ; 
 and according to custom, a subscription is taken to buy 
 him a burial-place. When Suresbie looks for his purse, 
 it is, of course, gone ; and he makes great outcry, alle- 
 ging it contained seven pounds. Thereupon Sir Thomas 
 quotes to him his own views above given on carrying 
 about so much money, in hac verba. His purse is re- 
 turned to him ; and we conclude, although it is not ex- 
 pressly stated, that the prisoner is let off. This incident 
 is founded on facts related in a Life of Sir Thomas. 
 
 Justice was more speedy in those days than now, if we 
 may believe what the sheriff says of some criminals sen- 
 tenced to execution : — 
 
 " Bring them away to execution ; 
 The writt is come aboove two houres since : 
 The cyttie will be fynde for this neglect." 
 
 After Sir Thomas is made chancellor, expecting a visit 
 of ceremony from the learned Erasmus, he dresses up 
 his servant Randall in his robes of office, and passes 
 him off on the scholar as the chancellor. The cheat is 
 discovered when Erasmus addresses the fictitious chan- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 5 
 
 cellor in Latin, and is answered in English, rather com- 
 monplace at that. On More's fall, he declares that 
 
 " halting souldiers and poore needle schoUers 
 Have had my gettings in the Chancerie ; " 
 
 and laughs to himself, 
 
 " To thinke but what a cheate the crowne shall have 
 By my attaindour ! " 
 
 On the scaffold, to the executioner, who asks his for- 
 giveness, he gives his purse, saying, " I had rather it 
 were in thy power to forgive me, for thou hast the sharp- 
 est action against me ; the law, my honest freend, lyes in 
 thy hands now ; here's thy fee j and my good fellowe, 
 let my suite be dispatchted presently; for 'tis all one 
 payne, to dye a lingering death, and to live in the con- 
 tinual mill of a lawe suite." 
 
 GREENE. 
 
 In Robert Greene's " London and England," we find 
 a client "fain to lay his wife's best gown to pawn " for a 
 lawyer's fees. Thrasibulus borrowed forty pounds of 
 a usurer, " whereof he received ten pound in money and 
 thirty pound in lute strings, whereof he could by great 
 friendship make but five pound." By the obhgation, the 
 money was to be repaid between three and four o'clock 
 of a certain afternoon ; but the usurer held the debtor 
 with "brabbling" (quarrelling) "till the clock strook." 
 Held, that the debtor lost his lands which he had " bound 
 in recognizance " for the loan. So Alcon lost his cow 
 which he pledged to the usurer, because he broke a day. 
 In this instance the interest was eighteen pence a week, 
 and the " usury " was the cow's milk. 
 
6 LAW AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 In the same dramatist's J' James the Fourth," a lawyer, 
 a merchant, and a divine rate one another as being re- 
 sponsible for the civil disorders of the time. The divine 
 tasks the lawyer : — 
 
 " Why devise you 
 Clauses, and subtle reasons to except ? " 
 " It is your guise 
 To coin provisos to beguile your laws. 
 To make a gay pretext of due proceeding, 
 When you delay your common pleas for years." 
 " You fleece them of their coin, their children beg, 
 
 And many want, because you may be rich." 
 " The law, say they, in peace consumed us. 
 And now in war we will consume the law." 
 
 MIDDLETON, 
 
 in "The Phoenix," has a very amusing character. Tangle, 
 "an old, crafty client, who, by the puzzle of suits and 
 shifting of courts, has more tricks and starting-holes than 
 the dizzy pates of fifteen attorneys ; one that has been 
 muzzled in law like a bear, and led by the ring of his 
 spectacles from office to office ; " " some say he's as 
 good as a lawyer; marry, I'm sure he's as bad as a 
 knave ; if you have any suits in law he's the fittest man 
 for your company ; has been so towed and lugged him- 
 self, that he is able to afford you more knavish counsel 
 for ten groats than another for ten shiUings ; " "an old, 
 busy, turbulent fellow; a villainous law-worm that eats 
 holes in poor men's causes." 
 
 Then ensues the following scene between Tangle and 
 two suitors, who have come to him for advice : — 
 
 " First Suitor. May it please your worship to give me 
 leave ? 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 7 
 
 Tangle. I give you leave, sir : you have your veniam. 
 Now fill me a brown toast, sirrah. 
 
 First Suit. Has brought me into the court; marry, 
 my adversary has not declared yet. 
 
 Tang. Non declaravit adversarius, sayest thou ? what 
 a villain's that ! I have a trick to do thee good : I will 
 get thee out a proxy, and make him declare, with a pox 
 to him. 
 
 First Suit. That will make him declare, to his sore 
 grief j I thank your good worship ; but put case he do 
 declare ? 
 
 Tang. Si dedarasset if he should declare there — 
 
 First Suit. I would be loath to stand out to the 
 judgment of that court. 
 
 Tang. Non ad judicium, do you fear corruption? 
 then, I'll relieve you again : you shall get a supersedeas 
 non tnolestandum, and remove it higher. 
 
 First Suit. Very good. 
 
 Tang. Now, if it should ever come to a testifican- 
 dum, what be his witnesses ? 
 
 First Suit. I little fear his witnesses. 
 
 Tang. Non metuis testes 2 more valiant man than 
 Orestes. 
 
 First Suit. Please you, sir, to dissolve this into wine, 
 ale, or beer. (^Giving money ^ I come a hundred mile 
 to you, I protest, and leave all other counsel behind me. 
 
 Tang. Nay, you shall always find me a sound card : 
 I stood not a' th' pillory for nothing in '88 ; all the world 
 knows that. Now let me despatch you, sir. I come to 
 you presenter. 
 
 Second Suit. Faith, the party hath removed both body 
 and cause with a habeas corpus. 
 
8 LA W AND LA WYERS JN LITER A TURE. 
 
 Tang. Has he that knavery? but has he put in bail 
 above, canst tell? 
 
 Second Suit. That I can assure your worship he has 
 not. 
 
 Tang. Why, then, thy best course shall be to lay out 
 more money, take out a. procedendo, and bring down the 
 cause and him with a vengeance. 
 
 Second Suit. Then he will come indeed. 
 
 Tang. As for the other party, let the audita querela 
 alone : take me out a special suppUcavit, which will cost 
 you enough, and then you pepper him. For the first 
 party after the procedendo you'll get costs ; the cause be- 
 ing found, you'll have a judgment ; nunc pro tunc, you'll 
 get a venire facias to warn your jury, a decern tales to 
 fill up the number, and a capias utlegatum for your exe- 
 cution. 
 
 Second Suit I thank you, my learned counsel." 
 
 Phcenix then enters, telling Tangle he knew him "in 
 octavo of the duke, but still in law : " — ■ 
 
 " Tang. Still in law? I had not breathed else now; 
 'tis very marrow, very manna to me to be in law; I'd 
 been dead ere this else. I have found such sweet pleas- 
 ure in the vexation of others, that I could wish my years 
 over and over again, to see that fellow a beggar, that 
 bawling knave a gentleman, a matter brought e'en to a 
 judgment to-day, as far as e'er 'twas to begin again to- 
 morrow. O raptures ! here's a writ of demur, there a 
 procedendo, here a sursurrara, there a capiendo, tricks, 
 delays, money — laws ! 
 
 Fhosnix. Is it possible, old lad ? 
 
 Tang. I have been a term-trotter myself any time 
 these five and forty years, — a goodly time and a gra- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 9 
 
 cious ; in which space I ha' been at least sixteen times 
 beggared, and got up again ; and in the mire again, that 
 I have stunk again, and yet got up again. 
 
 Phm. And so clean and handsome now? 
 
 Tang. You see it apparently ; I cannot hide it from 
 you : nay, more, in felici hora be it spoken ; you see 
 I'm old, yet have I at this present nine and twenty suits 
 in law ! 
 
 Phm. Deliver us man ! 
 
 Tang. And all not worth forty shillings. 
 
 Pha. May it be believed? 
 
 Tang. The pleasure of a man is all. 
 
 Phae. An old fellow, and such a stinger ! 
 
 Tang. A stake pulled out of my hedge, there's one ; 
 I was well beaten, I remember, that's two ; I took one 
 abed with my wife again her will, that's three; I was 
 called cuckold for my labour, that's four j I took another 
 abed again, that's five ; then one called me wittol, that's 
 six j he killed my dog for barking, seven ; my maid-ser- 
 vant was knocked at that time, eight ; my wife miscarried 
 with a push, nine ; et sic de cceteris. I have so vexed 
 and beggared the whole parish with process, subpoenas, 
 and such-like molestations, they are not able to spare so 
 much money from a term as would set up a new weather- 
 cock : the church wardens are fain to go to law with the 
 poor's money. 
 
 Phce. Fie, fie ! 
 
 Tang. And I so fetch up all the men every term- 
 time, that 'tis impossible to be at civil cuckoldry within 
 ourselves, unless the whole country rise upon our 
 wives. 
 
 Phm. An excellent stratagem ; but of all I most won- 
 
lO LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 der at the continual substance of thy wit, that having 
 had so many suits in law from time to time, thou hast 
 still money to relieve 'em. 
 
 Tang. Why do you so much wonder at that ? Why, 
 this is my course : my mare and I come up some five 
 days before a term. 
 
 Phce. A good decorum ! 
 
 Tang. Here I lodge, as you see, amongst inns and 
 places of most receipt — 
 
 Phce. Very wittily. 
 
 Tang. By which advantage I dive into countrymen's 
 causes ; furnish em' with knavish counsel, httle to their 
 profit ; buzzing into their ears that course, this writ, that 
 office, this ultimum re/ugium ; as you know I have words 
 enow for the purpose. 
 
 PhcB. Enow a' conscience, i' faith. 
 
 Tang. Enow a' law, no matter for conscience. For 
 which busy and laborious sweating courtesy, they choose 
 but feed me with money, by which I maintain mine own 
 suits ; hoh, hoh, hoh ! Another special trick I have, — 
 nobody must know it, — which is, to prefer most of these 
 men to one attorney, whom I affect best, to answer which 
 kindness of mine he will sweat the better in my cause, 
 and do them the less good ; take't of my word, I helped 
 my attorney to more clients last term than he will de- 
 spatch all his lifetime." 
 
 Phoenix utters these fine lines : — 
 
 " Thou angel sent amongst us, sober Law, 
 Made with meek eyes, persuading action. 
 No loud, immodest tongue, 
 Voic'd like a virgin, and as chaste from sale. 
 Save only to be heard, but not to rail ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. II 
 
 How has abuse deform'd thee to all eyes, 
 
 That where thy virtues sat, thy vices rise ! 
 
 Yet why so rashly for one villain's fault 
 
 Do I arraign whole man ? Admired Law, 
 
 Thy upper parts must needs be sacred, pure, 
 
 And incorruptible ; they're grave and wise : 
 
 'Tis but the dross beneath 'em, and the clouds 
 
 That get between thy glory and their praise, 
 
 That make the visible and foul eclipse ; 
 
 For those that are near to thee are upright. 
 
 As noble in their conscience as their birth ; 
 
 Know that damnation is in every bribe, 
 
 And rarely ' put it off from 'em : rate the presenters, 
 
 And scourge 'em with five years' imprisonment, 
 
 For offering but to tempt 'em. 
 
 Thus is true justice exercis'd and us'd ; 
 
 Woe to the giver when the bribe's refused ! 
 
 'Tis not their will to have law worse than war. 
 
 Where still the poor'st die first ; 
 
 To send a man without a sheet to his grave, 
 
 Or bury him in his papers ; 
 
 'Tis not their mind it should be, nor to have 
 
 A suit hang longer than a man in chains. 
 
 Let him be ne'er so fasten'd. They least know 
 
 That are above, the tedious steps below." 
 
 The following is a scene between False, who is a jus- 
 tice of the peace, and some suitors : — 
 
 " First Suitor. May it please your good worship, mas- 
 ter justice — 
 
 Falso. Please me and please yourself: that's my 
 word. 
 
 First Suit. The party your worship sent for will by 
 no means be brought to appear. 
 
 * Finely, nobly. 
 
12 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Fal. He will not? then, what would you advise me 
 to do therein? 
 
 First Suit. Only to grant your worship's warrant, 
 which is of sufficient force to compel him. 
 
 Fal. No, by my faith, you shall not have me in that 
 trap : am I sworn justice of peace, and shall I give my 
 warrant to fetch a man against his will? Why, there the 
 peace is broken. We must do all quietly : if he come, 
 he's welcome ; and as far as I can see yet, he's a fool to 
 be absent — ay, by this gold is he, which he gave me 
 this morning. {Aside.) 
 
 First Suit. Why, but may it please your good worship — 
 
 Fal. I say again, please me and please yourself: 
 that's my word still. 
 
 First Suit. Sir, the world esteems it a common 
 favor, upon the contempt of the party, the justice to 
 grant his warrant. 
 
 Fal. Ay, 'tis so common, 'tis the worse again : 'twere 
 the better for me were't otherwise. 
 
 First Suit. I protest, sir, and this gentleman can say 
 as much, it lies upon my half-undoing. 
 
 Fal. I cannot see yet that it should be so, — I see 
 not a cross yet. {Aside.) 
 
 First Suit. I beseech your worship, shew me your 
 immediate favour, and accept this small trifle but as a 
 remembrance to my succeeding thankfulness. 
 
 Fal Angels ? I'll not meddle with 'em : you give 
 'em to my wife, not to me. 
 
 First Suit. Ay, ay, sir. 
 
 Fal But I pray tell me now, did the party viva voce 
 with his own mouth, deliver that contempt, that he would 
 not appear, or did you but jest in't ? 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 13 
 
 First Suit. Jest? no, a' my troth, sir: such was his 
 insolent answer. 
 
 Fal. And do you think it stood with my credit to 
 put up such an abuse? Will he not appear, says he? 
 I'll make him appear with a vengeance. LatroneUo ! 
 {Enter LatroneUo^ 
 
 Lat. Does your worship call ? 
 
 Fal. Draw me a strong-limbed warrant for the gen- 
 tleman speedily : he will be bountiful to thee. Go and 
 thank him within. 
 
 First Suit. I shall know your worship hereafter. 
 
 Fal. Ay, I pray thee do. {Exeunt Suitors with 
 LatroneUo^ Two angels, one party, four another ; and 
 I think it a great spark of wisdom and policy, if a man 
 come to me for justice, first, to know his griefs by his 
 fees, which be light, and which be heavy : he may coun- 
 terfeit else, and make me do justice for nothing ; I like 
 not that ; for where I mean to be just, let me be paid 
 well for it : the deed so rare purges the bribe." 
 
 A fencing-match ensues between Falso and Tangle, 
 introductory to which the latter describes the weap- 
 ons : — 
 
 " Tang. Your longsword, that's a writ of delay. 
 
 Fal. Mass, that sword's long enough, indeed : I ha' 
 known it to reach the length of fifteen terms. 
 
 Tang. Fifteen terms ? that's but a short sword. 
 
 Fal. Methinks 'tis long enough : proceed, sir. 
 
 Tang. A writ of delay, longsword ; scandala mag- 
 natum, backsword. 
 
 Fal. Scandals are backswords, indeed. 
 
 Tang. Capias cominus, case of rapiers. 
 
 Fal. O desperate ! 
 
14 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Tang. A latitat, sword and dagger ; a writ of execu- 
 tion, rapier and dagger. 
 
 Fal. Thou art come to our present weapon; but 
 ■v^hat call you sword and buckler, then ? 
 
 Tang. Oh, that's out of use now ! Sword and buck- 
 ler was called a good conscience, but that weapon's left 
 long ago : that was too manly a fight, too sound a 
 weapon, for these our days." 
 
 Tangle's suits go against him ; and he raves, pronoun- 
 cing " a terrible, terrible curse upon you all, I wish you to 
 my attorney. See where a prcemunire comes, a dedimus 
 potestaiem, and that most dreadful execution, excommuni- 
 cato capiendo ! There's no bail to be taken : I shall rot 
 in fifteen jails, make dice of my bones, and let my coun- 
 sellor's son play away his money with 'em." Phoenix de- 
 clares that " who so loves law dies either mad or poor," 
 and pronounces him mad ; to which Fidelo excepts, say- 
 ing, " If he be any way altered from what he was, 'tis for 
 the better." Tangle says he will set himself "free with 
 a deliberandum ; " prays for " an audita querela or a tes- 
 tificandum ; " " an extent, a proclamation, a summons, 
 a recognisance, attachment, and injunction ; a writ, a 
 seizure, a writ of 'praisement, an absolution, a quietus 
 est.'" His distemper is exorcised by Quieto in the fol- 
 lowing formula : — 
 
 " The balsam of a temperate brain 
 I pour into this thirsty vein, 
 And with this blessed oil of quiet, 
 Which is so cheap that few men buy it, 
 Thy stormy temples I allay ; 
 Thou shalt give up the Devil, and pray ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 15 
 
 Forsake his works, they're foul and black, 
 And keep thee bare in purse and back. 
 No more shalt thou in paper quarrel. 
 To dress up apes in good apparel. 
 He throws his stock and all his flock 
 
 Into a swallowing gulf, 
 That sends his goose unto his fox, 
 
 His lamb unto his wolf. 
 
 Keep thy increase, 
 
 And live at peace. 
 For war's not equal to this battle ; 
 That eats but men ; this men and cattle : 
 Therefore no more this combat choose, 
 Where he that wins does always lose ; 
 And those that gain all with this curse receive it. 
 From fools they get it, to their sons they leave it." 
 
 The following deed by the "Captain," who sells his 
 wife just as he is going a voyage, might be a useful 
 precedent to those on whom the obligations of matri- 
 mony rest lightly, and save them the expense and an- 
 noyance of several weeks' residence in some western 
 State : — 
 
 "To all good and honest Christian people, to whom 
 this present writing shall come, know you for a certain, 
 that I, captain, for and in the consideration of five 
 hundred crowns, have clearly bargained, sold, given, 
 granted, assigned, and set over, and by these presents do 
 clearly bargain, sell, give, grant, assign, and set over, all 
 the right, estate, title, interest, demand, possession, and 
 term of years to come, which I, the said captain, have, 
 or ought to have, in and to Madonna Castiza, my most 
 virtuous, modest, loving, and obedient wife, together with 
 all and singular those admirable qualities with which hei 
 
1 6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 noble breast is furnished ; imprimis, the beauties of her 
 mind, chastity, temperance, and above all, patience, ex- 
 cellent in the best of music, in voice delicious, in con- 
 ference wise and pleasing, of age contentful, neither too 
 young to be apish, nor too old to be sottish, and which 
 is the best of a wife, a most comfortable, sweet compan- 
 ion, which said Madonna Castiza, lying and yet being in 
 the occupation of the said captain, to have and to hold, 
 use, and to be acquitted of and from all former bargains, 
 former sales, gifts, grants, surrenders, re-entries; and 
 furthermore, I, the said, of and for the consideration of 
 five hundred crowns to set me aboard, before these pres- 
 ents, do utterly disclaim forever any estate, title, right, 
 interest, demand, or possession of, in, or to the said 
 Madonna Castiza, my late virtuous and unfortunate wife, 
 as also neither to touch, attempt, molest, or incumber 
 any part or parts whatsoever, either to be named or not 
 to be named, either hidden or unhidden, either those 
 that boldly look abroad, or those that dare not shew their 
 faces," etc. 
 
 MASSINGER. 
 
 Massinger's drama, "The Old Law," derives its title 
 from the edict " that every man living to fourscore years, 
 and woman to threescore, shaU then be cut off as fruitless 
 to the republic ; and law shall finish what nature lingers 
 at." The justice of this enactment is gravely discussed 
 by the lawyers in the piece, described as first and second. 
 Clean thes insists that the law is unjust, because it Idlls 
 innocents. Number one replies that he understands 
 conscience, but not law, and when asked if there is 
 any "main difference," answers that the inquirer "wUl 
 never be good lawyer if he understands not that." Be- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 17 
 
 sides, he argues that it does not take the lives of the 
 innocent ; because people cannot live to such an age and 
 be innocent. Cleanthes evidently was a woman's rights 
 advocate ; for he comments on the unjust discrimination 
 between the sexes, and infers that " there was no woman 
 in this senate, certain." Cleanthes then fees number one 
 for advice as to some plan to evade the law; and the 
 counsellor is delivered of this sage opinion : — 
 
 " We say, man is not at age 
 Till he be one and twenty ; before, it's infancy 
 And adolescency ; now, by that addition. 
 Fourscore he cannot be till a hundred and one." 
 
 The client, not regarding the jest as a good one, 
 demands the fee, but is told "there is no law for the 
 restitution of fees." 
 
 Through the enforcement of this law arise many touch- 
 ing scenes of filial affection, and many horrible instances 
 of filial ingratitude and marital infidelity. But it turns 
 out that the law was only a trick to test the morals of 
 the young people of the realm : nobody was put to death, 
 and the supposed victims are produced at the close to 
 confront their putative unkind survivors. The bad sons 
 are deprived of their inheritance, and the incontinent 
 women are forbidden to marry for ten years. The faith- 
 ful are suitably rewarded. There seems no defect of 
 strict poetic justice, save some punishment on the coun- 
 sellors for their bad law. Perhaps the poet considered 
 the sarcasm of making them defend such an unjust 
 enactment a sufficient retribution. The piece winds up 
 with, — 
 
 " The good needs fear no law : 
 It is his safety, and the bad man's awe." 
 
1 8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 JONSON. 
 
 In Jonson's best drama, " The Fox," Voltore, an advo- 
 cate, is made a most unenviable character. Volpone, the 
 Fox, is a sensual old miser, who has accumulated a large 
 fortune by presents from persons whom he promises to 
 make his heirs, and among whom is the advocate. Vol- 
 tore also serves the Fox in a disgraceful legal proceeding, 
 instituted by Volpone against a woman who refuses to 
 gratify his lust. The advocate's character is aptly de- 
 scribed by one who says of him, " His soul moves in his 
 fee." "This fellow, for six sols more, would plead against 
 his Maker." The advocate's argument in court is de- 
 scribed by the Fox's factotum, Mosca, to his master : — 
 
 " Had you heard him first 
 Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate, 
 Then use his vehement figures. I look'd still 
 When he would shift a shirt : and doing this 
 Out of pure love — no hope of gain." 
 
 The Fox feigns death, and wills all his property to 
 Mosca, who says, when the plan is suggested, "Your 
 advocate will turn stark dull upon it;" and the Fox 
 replies, " It will take off his oratory's edge." When the 
 lawyer reads the pretended will, there is a scene. Mosca, 
 in a passage of exquisite irony, says, — 
 
 " Marry, my joy is that you need it not :. 
 You have a gift, sir (thank your education), 
 Will never let you want, while there are men 
 And malice to breed causes. Would I had 
 But half the like for all my fortune, sir ! 
 If I have any suits, as I do hope, 
 Things being so easy and direct, I shall not, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 19 
 
 I will make bold with your obstreperous aid, 
 Conceive me, — for your fee, sir. In meantime, 
 You that have so much law, I know have the conscience 
 Not to be covetous of what is mine." 
 
 Afterward the lawyer, meeting Mosca in the street, 
 rails at him ; and the latter expostulates, — 
 
 " Good advocate, 
 Pray thee not rail nor threaten out of place thus." 
 
 But the lawyer turns the tables on the Fox by exposing 
 to the court the false accusation against Celia : — 
 
 " It is not passion in me, reverend fathers. 
 But only conscience, — conscience, my good sires. 
 That makes me now tell truth." 
 
 However, at the last pinch, the Fox, in disguise, and 
 unknown to the lawyer, whispers him that Mosca, 
 
 " the parasite, 
 Will'd me to tell you that his master lives ; 
 That you are still the man ; your hope the same ; 
 And this was only a jest." 
 
 Whereupon the lawyer falls down in court, and goes 
 through various affected spasms to appear bewitched, 
 and on recovering takes back all he had said against 
 Volpone. " It is to the praise of Jonson," says Gifford, 
 " that he lets slip no opportunity of showing his contempt 
 for the popular opinions on this head," — of witchcraft. 
 Some other complications ensue which it is not necessary 
 in this connection to unravel ; but in the end Volpone's 
 possessions are confiscated, and he is sent to prison. 
 Mosca is condemned to the galleys, and — 
 
20 LAJV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " Thou, Voltore, to take away the scandal 
 Thou hast given all worthy men of thy profession, 
 Art banished from their fellowship and our state." 
 
 Jonson's treatment of the subject of witchcraft is shown 
 in "The Devil is an Ass," in which Sir Paul Eitherside, a 
 superstitious and unfeeling lawyer and justice, explains 
 the dumb show of certain pretended demoniacs brought 
 before him. Among other qualities that Sir Paul attrib- 
 utes to the Devil, is that of being " the master of players' 
 and poets too." The justice is solemn, sententious, and 
 uninteresting, but as to his belief in witchcraft, no more 
 credulous than Bacon and Matthew Hale. 
 
 In "The Magnetic Lady," the character of Practice, 
 the lawyer, is described by Compass with some irreverent 
 fun at our gown and wig : — 
 
 " A man so dedicate to his profession, 
 And the preferments go along with it, 
 As scarce the thundering bruit of an invasion, 
 Another eighty-eight, threatening his country 
 With ruin, would no more work upon him 
 Than Syracusa's sack on Archimede : 
 So much he loves that night-cap ! the bench-gown, 
 With the broad gard on the back ! these show a mail 
 Betrothed unto the study of our laws.'' 
 
 To which Practice answers, — 
 
 " Which you but think the crafty impositions 
 Of subtile clerk, feats of fine understanding, 
 To abuse clots and clowns with." 
 
 When asked if "Practice will be of counsel against 
 us," Compass says, — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 21 
 
 " He is a lawyer, and must speak for his fee, 
 Against his father and mother, — all his kindred, 
 His brothers or his sisters : no exception 
 Lies at the common law. He must not alter 
 Nature for form, but go on in his path." 
 
 Jonson seems to think it necessary to explain, that in 
 this character he meant no disrespect to our profession ; 
 for in one of the interlocutory passages, the boy, in 
 answer to Master Dampley, who inquires whom the poet 
 means by certain characters of the drama, replies, " You 
 might as well ask me what eminent lawyer by the ridicu- 
 lous Master Practice, who hath rather his name invented 
 for laughter, than any offense or injury it can stick on the 
 reverend professors of the law ; and so the wise ones will 
 think." 
 
 To Sir Diaphanous Silkworm, who has been assaulted. 
 Practice recommends a resort to law : — 
 
 " That will give you damages : 
 Five thousand pounds for a finger I have known 
 Given in court ; and let me pack your jury." 
 
 Farther on. Practice says he is " a bencher, and now 
 double reader," — a reference to the days when readings 
 in the Inns of Court were kept up. After seven years 
 the lawyer was in turn to read the second time, and was 
 then called a " double reader." Practice is evidently of 
 authority, for the clerk issues to him a marriage license 
 in blank. To Compass, who asks him how to recover 
 his wife's portion. Practice advises, — ■ 
 
 " Sue him at common law: 
 Arrest him on an action of choke-bail. 
 Five hundred thousand pounds ; it will affright him 
 And all his sureties." 
 
.22 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Of this peculiar action Sir Diaphanous says, — 
 
 " It is a terrible action, more indeed 
 Than many a man is worth, and is call'd fright-bail." 
 
 Practice gives an opinion on another point of law; 
 namely, the crime of infanticide : — 
 
 " The law is plain : if it were heard to cry, 
 And you produce it not, he may indict 
 All that conceal it, of felony and murder." 
 
 WEBSTER. 
 
 "The Devil's Law Case," by Webster, as may be 
 inferred from the title, is very rich in law and lawyers. 
 The action is conveyed in a word : — 
 
 " O jealousy ! 
 How violent, especially in women ! 
 How often has it rais'd the Devil up in form of a law case ! " 
 
 The. first scene in point is between Crispiano, a civil 
 lawyer, and Sanitonella, his clerk. Tlie latter gives us a 
 good idea of the lucrativeness of law practice in Spain, 
 by telling us that his master, " by his mere practice of 
 the law, has gotten, in less than half a jubilee, thirty 
 thousand ducats a year." But it has been accumulated 
 by hard work, as nowadays. Hear the clerk's reheaisa] 
 of these toils : — 
 
 " All the time of your coUectionship 
 Has been a perpetual calendar ; begin first 
 With your melancholy study of the law, 
 Before you come to finger the ruddocks ; after that 
 The tiring importunity of clients, 
 To rise so early, and sit up so late : 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 23 
 
 You made yourself half ready in a dream, 
 And never pray'd but in your sleep. Can I think 
 That you have half your lungs left vifith crying out 
 For judgments and days of trial ? Remember, sir, 
 How often have 1 bore you on my shoulder. 
 Among a shoal or swarm of reeking night-caps. 
 When that your worship has bespit yourself 
 Either with vehemency of argument 
 Or being out from the matter." 
 
 By "ruddocks " we understand red gold coin; "half 
 ready " means half-dressed ; " night-caps " is sarcastic 
 for wigs. Sanitonella is a practical rogue. He insists 
 " that no proctor in the term-time be tolerated to go to 
 the tavern above six times i' th' forenoon : it makes their 
 clients overtaken, and become friends sooner than they 
 would be." 
 
 The master himself has an eye to the main chance, 
 and deems nothing — 
 
 " like the pleasure 
 In taking clients' fees, and piling them 
 In several goodly rows before my desk, 
 And according to the bigness of each heap, 
 Which I took by a leer (for lawyers do not tell them) ; " 
 
 That is, judged of by a glance, without counting — 
 
 " I vail'd my cap, and gave great hope 
 The cause should go on their sides." 
 
 " The noise of clients at my chamber door 
 Was sweeter music far, in my conceit, 
 Than all the hunting in Europe." 
 
 Ariosto, an advocate, in Crispiano's opinion, is — 
 
 " the very miracle of a lawyer; 
 One that persuades men to peace, and compounds quarrels 
 
24 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Among his neighbors without going to law." 
 " Yes, and will counsel 
 In honest causes gratis ; never in his life 
 Took fee but he came and spake f or't ; is a man 
 Of extreme practice ; and yet all his longing 
 Is to become a judge." 
 
 We infer from this that judicial salaries were larger 
 then than now. 
 
 Romelio has a poor opinion of our profession. He 
 teUs Ariosto, — 
 
 " Of all men living, 
 You lawyers I account the only men 
 To confirm patience in us : your delays 
 Would make three parts of this little Christian world 
 Run out of their wits else." 
 
 Sanitonella introduces to his master, Leonora, as a 
 client, the nature of whose business is shadowed forth 
 in the first, line : — 
 
 " Take her into your office, sir : she has that in her belly 
 Will dry up your ink, I can tell you. 
 This is the man that is your learned counsel, — 
 A fellow that will trowl it off with tongue. 
 He never goes without restorative powder 
 Of the lungs of fox in's pocket, and Malaga raisins 
 To make him long-winded." 
 
 And hands him a brief. Ariosto asks, — 
 
 " Do you call this a brief ? 
 Here's, as I weigh them, some fourscore sheets of paper." 
 
 But Sanitonella replies, — 
 
 " We call this but a brief in our office : 
 The scope of the business lies in the margin." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 25 
 
 But Ariosto likes not the odor of the suit : and Sani- 
 tonella employs Contilupo, a spruce lawyer, who, Ariosto 
 having in anger torn up the brief, is still able to read the 
 " foul copy " by the aid of " twenty double ducats ; " in- 
 quiring, " Is not this vivire hones U ?" is told by Sani- 
 tonella, "That's struck out, sir; and wherever you find 
 vivire hones te in these papers, give it a dash, sir;" is 
 "wont to give young clerks half fees* to help him to 
 clients." Of course he accepts the business. 
 
 The court scene is very strongly drawn. Sanitonella 
 cautions the officers to " take special care that you let in 
 no brachy graphy men (short-hand writers) to take notes." 
 He is provided against a long sitting with " a lovely pud- 
 ding pie, which we clerks find great relief in." Cris- 
 piano appears as a judge, but is not known to the suitors- 
 The charge is, that Romelio is illegitimate, being really 
 the son of Crispiano ; while his mother, Leonora, is mar- 
 ried to another. Crispiano, being thus impUcated, dis- 
 covers himself, descends from the bench, and surrenders 
 his place to Ariosto, who fears 
 
 " This law business 
 Will leave me so small leisure to serve God 
 I shall serve the king the worse." 
 
 And makes a seemingly necessary explanation in accept- 
 ing, — 
 
 " I do here first make protestation, 
 
 I ne'er took fee of this Romelio 
 For being of his counsel ; which may free me, 
 Being now his judge, fro' the imputation 
 Of taking a bribe." 
 
 The cross-examination by Crispiano of the waiting- 
 woman produced by Leonora to prove his intimacy with 
 
26 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 her mistress, is exceedingly skilful, and humorously drawn ; 
 but the trial is too broad, as well as too long, to be here 
 detailed. It is sufficient to say that the accusation is 
 completely disproved. According to the roguish clerk, — 
 
 " Uds foot, we are spoil'd ! 
 Why, my client's proved an honest woman. 
 Well, I will put up my papers, 
 And send them to France as a precedent, 
 That they may not say yet, but for one strange 
 Lawsuit, we come somewhat near them." 
 
 Law makes a less prominent figure in " A Cure for a 
 Cuckhold," but the play treats of a novel and amusing 
 question. Franckford has a suit against Compass, a 
 sailor, for the custody of a child, the fruit of an intrigue 
 between himself and Compass's wife during the husband's 
 absence at sea, and with his attorney, Dodge, resorts to 
 a tavern, where also come Compass and his attorney, 
 Pettifog. The parties and attorneys talk over the suit 
 separately. Dodge tells his client, "We shall carry it 
 through most indubitably. You have money to go 
 through with the business, and ne'er fear it but we'll 
 trounce 'em : you are the true father." The tavern-boy 
 asks Compass if he will have any music ; and he answers, 
 " Music among lawyers ! here's nothing but discord." 
 Pettifog tells him that " the defendant was arrested first 
 by Lattitat in an action of trespass." Compass says, "A 
 lawyer told me it should have been an action of the case," 
 — a touch of nature which every lawyer will recognize. 
 Pettifog thinks " Your action of the case is in that point 
 too tickhsh," but has no doubt he will overthrow his 
 adversary. " Sans question. The child is none of yours. 
 What of that ? I marry a widow is possessed of a ward : 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 27 
 
 shall not I have the tuition of that ward ? Now, sir, you 
 lie at a stronger ward; {ot partus sequitur ventrem, says 
 the civil law : and if you were within compass of the four 
 seas, as the common law goes, the child shall be yours 
 certainly." 
 
 Compass. "There's some comfort in that yet. Oh, 
 you attorneys in Guildhall have a fine time on't ! You 
 are in effect both judge and jury yourselves. And how 
 you will laugh at your clients, when you sit in a tavern, 
 and call them coxcombs, and whip up a cause, as a bar- 
 ber trims his customers on a Christmas Eve, — a snip, a 
 wipe, and away ! " 
 
 Pettifog. " That's ordinary, sir : you shall have the 
 like at a nisi prius." 
 
 Two other clients come in to Pettifog, and stand treat, 
 or rather, hand money ostensibly for that purpose to hi'm, 
 of which the lawyer says, " This is my tribute : custom is 
 not more duly paid in the Sound of Denmark," and thus 
 reckons up his gains : " I have sate here in this tavern but 
 one half-hour, drunk but three pints of wine, and what 
 with the offerings of my clients in that short time, I have 
 got nine shillings clear, and paid all the reckoning.'' — 
 "Almost a counsellor's fee," says another of the party. 
 "And a great one, as the world goes in Guildhall," re- 
 plies Pettifog ; " for now our young clerks share with 'em, 
 to help 'em to clients." Of the two last-coming clients 
 he says, " My chent that came in now sues his neighbor 
 for kicking his dog, and using the defamatory speeches. 
 Come out, cuckhold's cur. The other that came in was an 
 informer, a precious knave." The legal party is now in- 
 creased by the advent of Justice Woodroff, and a coun- 
 sellor. The justice is one of the "compromisers," or 
 
28 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 arbitrators, to whose judgment the controversy has been 
 left ; and the counsellor announces to Compass that the 
 decision is against him, and gives him the prevailing 
 reasons : — 
 
 " A child that's base and illegitimate born, 
 The father found, who (if the need required it) 
 Secures the charge and damage of the parish, 
 But the father? who charged with education 
 But the father? then, by clear consequence, 
 He ought, for what he pays for to enjoy. 
 Come to the strength of reason, upon which 
 The law is grounded: the earth brings forth, 
 This ground or (hat, her crop of wheat or rye ; 
 Whether shall the seedsman enjoy the sheaf, 
 Or leave it to the earth that brings it forth ? 
 The summer tree brings forth her natural fruit, 
 Spreads her large arms : who but the lord of it 
 Shall pluck the apples or command the lops ? 
 Or shall they sink into the root again ? 
 'Tis still most clear upon the father's part." 
 
 But Compass retorts, " All this law I deny, and will be 
 mine own lawyer. Is not the earth our mother? and 
 shall not the earth have all her children again ? I would 
 see that law durst keep any of us back : she'll have law- 
 yers and aU first, though they be none of her best chil- 
 dren. My wife is the mother ; and so much for the civil 
 law. Now I come again, and y' are gone at the common 
 law." He then adduces a striking illustration derived 
 from the natural history of domestic animals, in which he 
 supposes one man's gentleman-pig to associate with an- 
 other man's lady-pig, and, in respect to their progeny, 
 asks with great force, "Who shall keep these pigs?" 
 This course of reasoning convinces both the justice and 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 
 
 29 
 
 the counsellor : they revoke their former opinion, and the 
 child is adjudged to Compass. 
 
 In the Duchess of Malfi, Webster draws the character 
 of an unjust prince and, among other things, says, — 
 
 " Hears men's suits 
 With others' ears ; will seem to sleep o' the bench 
 Only to entrap offenders in their answers ; 
 Dooms men to death by information, 
 Rewards by hearsay. 
 
 " The law to him 
 Is like a foul black cobweb to a spider : 
 He makes it his dwelling, and a prison 
 To entangle those shall feed him.'' 
 
 SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 The most universal genius in literature could not have 
 failed to have something to say of law and lawyers. I 
 presume that what he has said is so famiUar to our pro- 
 fession as not to justify a particular review. Shakspeare's 
 frequent use of law-terms is so accurate that some have 
 conjectured that he must have studied law; and in this 
 circumstance, the infidels who believe that his plays were 
 written by Bacon think they find strong confirmation. 
 Lord CampbeU has written a pamphlet on the Legal 
 Acquirements of Shakspeare, in which he considers the 
 question whether he probably had studied law, and con- 
 cludes that there is much to be urged in support of that 
 conjecture, but that he would not blame a jury for disa- 
 greeing about it. The most celebrated law-trial scene 
 in literature unquestionably is that in " The Merchant of 
 Venice." Certainly a more utterly absurd one was never 
 depicted. Bacon never could have brought himself to 
 
30 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURB. 
 
 write such nonsense. Of course we must presume that 
 Shakspeare knew better; he simply adopted the old 
 story : but a trained lawyer like Bacon could never have 
 abandoned himself to do it. This trial scene has been 
 humorously and seriously reviewed by lawyers. Mr. 
 Esek Cowen, of Troy, N.Y., some years ago published in 
 " The Albany Law Journal " a burlesque of this scene so 
 clever that it should be reproduced as part of our sub- 
 ject. If I were given to punning, I should pronounce 
 it a jew d 'esprit. It is in the form of a pretended opin- 
 ion of court, and runs as foUows : — 
 
 "COMMISSION OF APPEALS. 
 "Levi Shylock, appellant, v. Angelo Antonio, respondent. 
 
 " This was an appeal from the judgment of the general 
 term of the first district, afifirming the report of a referee, 
 which report contained directions for very peculiar and 
 unusual legal remedies. The facts are sufficiently stated 
 in the opinion of the court. 
 
 "John Graham,' for the appellant. 
 
 "Charles S. 'SiP&icer,^ for the respondent. 
 
 " (By the Court.) In order to fully understand this case, 
 it will be necessary to refer to certain facts, not very ma- 
 terial, perhaps, to its final determination. The defendant 
 Antonio is an Italian merchant, doing an extensive busi- 
 ness in the city of New York as an importer. Prior to 
 the transactions which resulted in this suit, he had been 
 remarkably successful, — had made much money, which 
 he spent in a princely manner, and stood well in society, 
 
 ■ A promiaent criminal lawyer of the city of New York. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 31 
 
 in spite of a decided tendency to mental unsoundness. 
 We say ' mental unsoundness,' though there is no direct 
 proof on the subject ; because it seems to be conceded 
 that he lent money to his friends without interest, which 
 would, in most business circles, be considered evidence 
 to warrant a commission de lunatico. He had a sporting 
 friend of the same nationality, by the name of Bassanio, 
 who, having been completely ' cleaned out ' (as the vile 
 phrase is) by a season at Saratoga, conceived a novel 
 method of restoring his fortunes. It seems that an eccen- 
 tric resident of Venango County, Penn., having made a 
 large fortune by speculations in oil-lands, left the whole 
 of it to his daughter, on condition that she should take 
 for her husband the suitor who should prove most profi- 
 cient in the ancient and noble game of ' Thimble Rig.' 
 As Bassanio had been accustomed to witness this game 
 at horse-races, he felt confident, that if he had an oppor- 
 tunity, he could tell in which box the ' little joker ' was. 
 But he had no money to take him to Venango County, 
 and his acquaintance with Col. Thomas A. Scott was not 
 sufficiently intimate to justify him in asking for a pass. 
 In this extremity he applied to the defendant for a loan. 
 Antonio would gladly have complied ; but just before, 
 he had invested every dollar he could raise in contraband 
 goods, and vessels built for running the Southern block- 
 ade. Bassanio naturally suggested a note at six months ; 
 but the defendant was prohibited, by his partnership arti- 
 cles, from making or indorsing commercial paper outside 
 of the business of the firm. The two friends then applied 
 to the plaintiff, a gentleman of the Hebrew persuasion, 
 doing business in Chatham Street, for a loan of three 
 thousand dollars upon Antonio's credit. - For several 
 
32 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 reasons the plaintiff was little inclined to look upon the 
 defendant with favor. Besides his unjustifiable habit of 
 lending money without interest, which, as Shylock very 
 properly observed, had a tendency to ' lower the rate of 
 usance,' Antonio chewed tobacco freely, and expectorated 
 with great carelessness upon all objects in his vicinity. 
 Indeed, it appeared in evidence, without objection, that 
 the defendant had frequently spit upon Shylock's ' Jew- 
 ish gaberdine.' The court is not exactly certain as to 
 what a ' gaberdine ' is ; no definition was attempted by 
 either counsel upon the argument; but we may safely 
 assume that it is a garment which is not improved by 
 contact with tobacco-juice : and such incidents will go 
 far to excuse, if they do not justify, the somewhat vindic- 
 tive manner in which this suit was prosecuted. The 
 plaintiff, however, at the time of this application, con- 
 cealed his feelings, and told Antonio that he would 
 charge him no interest, but would merely take a bond 
 conditioned to the effect, that if the loan was not paid 
 when due, the borrower should forfeit a pound of flesh 
 nearest his heart. Bassanio pretended to demur; but 
 Antonio was confident that the loan would be paid when 
 due, and this somewhat singular business transaction was 
 concluded as above stated. Bassanio went to Venango 
 County, guessed the right box, and married the heiress. 
 Antonio's fate was far different. He quarrelled with 
 seve'il members of Congress about the division of the 
 expected profits of his venture, his understanding with 
 the government was broken up, and his ships were sunk 
 by the blockading squadron. And, when Bassanio re- 
 turned from his wedding-tour, he found all Antonio's 
 effects sold out by the sheriff, and numerous executions 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 33 
 
 returned unsatisfied. He found, too, that the plaintiff 
 had abready commenced this action to enforce the for- 
 feiture in the bond. As soon as the cause was at issue, 
 it took the usual course of cases in New- York City, i.e., 
 it was referred to James H. Coleman, Esq. ; ^ but that 
 gentleman being indisposed, all parties agreed to accept 
 as referee a young and unknown lawyer by the name of 
 Balthazar ; which arrangement was the more singular, as 
 he does not appear to have been a relative of any of the 
 judges. 
 
 " And just here arises one of the most curious questions 
 in this case. It is asserted, by the counsel for the appel- 
 lant, that this referee was, in fact, a woman ; that her 
 maiden name was Mary Jane Portia, and that she was 
 the same oleaginous heiress whom Bassanio had just 
 married. 
 
 " The court has been accustomed to give little weight to 
 the assertion of the counsel since the McFarland trial ; 
 but the decision itself furnishes the strongest internal evi- 
 dence that it is the work of one of that pernicious sex 
 which ' brought sin into the world, and all our woe,' and 
 has been bringing sinners into the world ever since, with 
 a similar disregard of consequences. We trust that this 
 most extraordinary precedent will never be followed, and 
 that unsexed women will not attempt to occupy the judg- 
 ment-seats of the land. Otherwise, we fear that we shall 
 have the judgments of the courts dictated by the spirit 
 of Demosthenes and other heathen, instead of by the 
 ' benign and benignant ' principles of the common law. 
 
 " In this case the facts were conceded by all parties ; 
 and after a tender, in open court, of three times the 
 
 ' A standing referee under Judge Barnard in Tweed's day. 
 
34 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 amount of the debt had been made and refused, this 
 referee of uncertain sex proceeded to pronounce judg- 
 ment. His (or her) conclusions of law were as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " I. That the bond was valid, and that the plaintiff was 
 entitled to his pound of flesh. 
 
 " 2. That he was entitled to exactly a pound of flesh, 
 neither more nor less, and not to a drop of blood ; and 
 that if he drew blood, or took a grain of flesh more or 
 less than a pound, he would be guilty of murder. 
 
 " 3. That under an ancient and obsolete ordinance of 
 the city of New York, passed in the time of Peter Stuy- 
 vesant, the plaintiff was liable to capital punishment ' for 
 practising against the life of a Christian.' 
 
 " 4. That he could only escape this punishment by giv- 
 ing half his fortune to his daughter (who had just mar- 
 ried a Christian), and by turning Christian himself. 
 
 " On hearing the latter portion of this decision, the 
 plaintiff felt a considerable abatement of his enthusiasm, 
 and inquired in a tremulous tone 'if that was the law.' 
 On being assured that it was, he offered to take the 
 amount of his bond, and discontinue without costs, to 
 which proposition this astonishing referee repHed, that 
 the plaintiff had forfeited all claim to his money by re- 
 fusing it in open court ! The plaintiff being without 
 counsel, no stay of proceedings was obtained : and the 
 decree of the referee was carried into effect ; the plaintiff 
 being baptized, we presume, by the sheriff of the city 
 and county of New York. Upon a subsequent appeal, 
 the judgment was affirmed by the general term ; and the 
 plaintiff appealed to this court. 
 . " The first conclusion of law, though apparently in favor 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 35 
 
 of the plaintiff, was utterly erroneous for two reasons : 
 I. It is well settled, that when a bond contains a con- 
 dition that is unreasonable and absurd, it will be consid- 
 ered as good only for the sum actually secured by or 
 lent on the faith of it. As in the familiar case where a 
 party, in consideration of a sum of money, agreed to 
 give the price of the twenty-fourth nail in a horse's shoe, 
 at the rate of a penny for the first nail, two for the sec- 
 ond, and so on in geometrical progression. This bond 
 was not only unreasonable, but provided for the commis- 
 sion of a capital crime, and was clearly void under the 
 principle to which I have adverted; 2. The bond was 
 extinguished by the tender of the amount of the loan 
 which it was given to secure. This court has explicitly 
 decided that a tender of the debt, even after it is due, 
 extinguishes all collateral securities. ' Kortright v. Cady,' 
 21 N. Y. 343 ; and the tender at the trial was sufficient 
 to cancel the bond if it ever possessed any validity. 
 
 " But if the referee's first proposition of law is sound, 
 the second becomes a stupendous absurdity. It is a 
 familiar rule of construction, that the right to do a cer- 
 tain act confers the right to the necessary incidents of 
 that act. The referee holds that the plaintiff had a right 
 to cut off a pound of defendant's flesh. Now, as no 
 one can cut an exact pound of flesh to a grain, as no 
 one can do it without drawing blood, it seems too plain 
 for argument that the parties could have intended no 
 such restrictions ; and the court had no right to supply 
 them. If the bond was valid, the plaintiff could have 
 subjected himself to no penalty by simply taking what it 
 gave him. 
 
 " We have not before us the statute referred to in the 
 
36 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 third conclusion of the referee ; but we have great doubts 
 whether the plaintiff, upon any reasonable construction 
 of its terms, could be held liable for taking a bond vol- 
 untarily signed by the defendant. It does not seem to 
 us that this was ' practising against the life ' of the de- 
 fendant, within the meaning of the law. But this is of 
 no importance; for all the proceedings of the referee, 
 under this statute, were void for want of jurisdiction. 
 The plaintiff was then pursuing a civil, though somewhat 
 bloody, remedy ; and what right had the referee, without 
 complaint, warrant, or the intervention of a grand jury, 
 to change this plaintiff into a defendant, on a criminal 
 charge, and herself into a criminal judge ? It would be 
 easy to show that she has violated the constitutions of 
 the United States and the State of New York, as well as 
 nearly all the criminal statutes. 
 
 " The pretence that the plaintiff had forfeited his debt 
 by the refusal of the tender was extremely shallow. 
 Nothing is better settied than that a tender does not ex- 
 tinguish the debt, but only things collateral thereto, such 
 as interest. ' Kortright v. Cady,' above cited. The bias 
 of this female referee was plainly shown by the direction 
 that the plaintiff should pay half his fortune to his 
 daughter, who had run away and married against the 
 wishes of her venerable parent, and who was not even 
 a party to the action. Such encouragement to young 
 women, to disregard the parental commands, is very 
 pretty and romantic ; but it cannot receive the counte- 
 nance of this court. The referee had no authority to 
 make such a disposition of the defendant's property, and 
 it must be restored to him. But the chmax of usurpa- 
 tion and cruelty was to come. The plaintiff was not 
 
jiS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 37 
 
 only required to despoil himself for his daughter's bene- 
 fit, but to embrace Christianity for his own. 
 
 " We are not going to argue this question upon general 
 principles. It is certainly difficult for us to see how any 
 benefit could arise to the Christian church if all the 
 criminals in the land were compelled to adopt that reli- 
 gion at — if the expression is admissible — the point of 
 the halter. We do not mean to deny the power of the 
 legislature to prescribe the union of the criminal with 
 some religious body as a penalty for crime. If coupled 
 with the obligation of hearing two average sermons a 
 week, we are not prepared to say that the punishment 
 would not be exemplary. We place our decision entirely 
 upon the ground, that the legislature have not authorized 
 the infliction of such a penalty; and we are unwilling 
 that the referee should add the functions of that body to 
 her self-appointed duties as civil judge, and court of oyer 
 and terminer : and here we pause for a moment to set 
 ourselves right before the public. Absorbed in our ardu- 
 ous duties, we can pay but little attention to general Ht- 
 erature : but we read the public prints ; and we cannot 
 ignore the fact, that this case has created much interest 
 in the minds of the community. If we are rightly in- 
 formed, the facts have formed the basis of a powerful 
 drama, which has lately been placed upon the stage : and 
 the conduct of the referee has been loudly applauded 
 by audiences unlearned in the law, who doubtless saw in 
 her the embodiment of the classical idea of justice; 
 namely, a woman with her eyes completely blinded. 
 
 " To prevent any misunderstanding, therefore, we assert 
 most positively that our decision upon this point is not 
 influenced by the feeling which seems to have actuated 
 
38 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 one of the witnesses, who objected to the conversion of 
 the daughter of the plaintiff, Miss Jessica Shylock, upon 
 the ground that ' the making of so many new Christians 
 would raise the price of pork.' This court is of the 
 opinion, that in moderation, a pork diet is both healthful 
 and invigorating, and that sausages, when their origin is 
 not involved in too much obscarity, are a ' dish fit for a 
 judge.' 
 
 " But if we know our own hearts, we would not aUow 
 a slight advance in the price of a favorite esculent to 
 stand in the way of the genuine conversion of the hum- 
 blest Hebrew in the land. And in this we believe that 
 we speak the sentiment of the American people, even 
 outside of Chicago and Cincinnati; while in those two 
 cities, the fact that such a fulfilment of Scripture would 
 tend to raise the price of pork, would doubdess be con- 
 sidered the strongest possible reason for the conversion 
 of the whole world. To their citizens no two events 
 could appear more desirable, than that 'the knowledge 
 of the Lord should cover the earth as the waters cover 
 the sea,' and that ' prime mess ' should go up a dollar 
 a barrel. Personal motives therefore have nothing 
 whatever to do with our decision. It is the law of the 
 land, and our own feelings of duty that call upon us to 
 relieve the plaintiflf from his unfortunate position. We 
 have thus disposed of the questions raised by this appeal, 
 but we cannot close without a word of warning to Mrs. 
 Bassanio. The bench of justice is a hard seat, as many 
 of us can feelingly certify, very different from the rock- 
 ing-chairs in which the beauty and fashion of our land 
 are wont to disport themselves ; and if in the tender and 
 appropriate duties of wife and matron she shall forget 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 39 
 
 the spirit of recklessness and intrigue which led her to 
 occupy the position of a referee in this case, we will 
 gladly overlook the past. But if forgetting her duties to 
 her husband and family she shall hereafter occupy the 
 platform, and clamor for the suffrage with the WoodhuUs 
 and Cady Stantons of the day, we shall make it our busi- 
 ness to see if there is not somfi provision of the common 
 or statute law under which she may be punished for her 
 audacious usurpation, — verbum sap. The result of the 
 whole matter is this : We cannot compel restitution of 
 the money paid by the plaintiff to his daughter, as she 
 is not a party to the action. But the entire decree of 
 the referee must be reversed, the plaintiff must have 
 judgment for his three thousand dollars against the de- 
 fendant, with interest from the date of the bond (as 
 there is no proof that the tender has been kept good) ; 
 and he must be permitted, if he so elects, to relapse into 
 Judaism, ' subject only to the Constitution of the United 
 States.' All the judges concurring, ordered accordingly." 
 
 Professor von Ihring, an eminent German jurist, in 
 his eloquent book, "The Struggle for Law," takes a more 
 serious view of Shylock's wrongs, and discourses as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " ' I crave the law.' In these four words the poet has 
 described the relation of law in the subjective to law in 
 the objective sense of the term, and the meaning of the 
 struggle for law, in a manner better than any philosopher 
 of the law could have done it. These four words change 
 Shylock's claim into a question of the law of Venice. To 
 what mighty giant dimensions does not the weak man 
 grow when he speaks these words ! It is no longer the 
 
40 LA W AND LA WYBRS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Jew demanding his pound of flesh : it is the law of Venice 
 itself knocking at the door of justice, for his rights and 
 the law of Venice are one and the same ; they both stand 
 or fail together. And when he finally succumbs under 
 the weight of the judge's decision, who wipes out his 
 rights by a shocking piece of pleasantry ; when we see 
 him pursued by bitter scorn, bowed, broken, tottering on 
 his way, — who can help feeling that in him the law of 
 Venice is humbled? that it is not the Jew, Shylock, who 
 moves painfiilly away, but the typical figure of the Jew in 
 the Middle Ages, that pariah of society who cried in vain 
 for justice ? His fate is eminentiy tragic, not because his 
 rights are denied him, but because he, a Jew of the ■Mid- 
 dle Ages, has faith in the law, — we might say, just as if 
 he were a Christian, — a faith in the law, firm as a rock 
 which nothing can shake, and which the judge himself 
 feels, until the catastrophe breaks upon him like a thunder- 
 clap, dispels the illusion, and teaches him that he is only 
 the despised mediaeval Jew, to whom justice is done by 
 defrauding him." "The jurist can only say that the 
 bond was in itself nuU and void, because its provisions 
 were contrary to good morals.'' But failing to take this 
 ground, " it was wretched subterfuge, a miserable piece 
 of pettifoggery, to deny the right to shed blood in cutting 
 the pound of flesh. Just as well might the judge deny 
 to the person whose right to an easement he acknowl- 
 edged, the right to leave footprints on the land, because 
 this was not expressly stipulated for in the grant." 
 
 Contemporaneously, an English dramatic critic said, 
 on the same topic, — 
 
 "There is something grandly pathetic in the fixed 
 claim of the Jew, as he stands in the judgment-hall, a 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 41 
 
 figure of Fate inexorably persistent, demanding the pen- 
 alty of liis bond ; he is no mere usurer punishing a bank- 
 rupt debtor; if he avenges private injuries, he also 
 represents a nation seeking atonement for centuries of 
 wrong. By what a technical quibble is he denied justice, 
 and tricked out of both penalty and principal ! What a 
 pitiful cur is Gratiano to yelp at his heels ! One's sym- 
 pathies foUow the baffled and persecuted Jew as he slowly 
 withdraws from the court : it is impossible to feel much 
 interested in the release from peril of that very dull per- 
 sonage, Antonio." 
 
 Shakspeare, in his drama of " King John," Act I., 
 Scene i, gives us a trial before the Aula Regis ; the king 
 himself being present in person, Fitz-Peter being chief 
 justiciar, in a "legitimacy case," as it was called, which 
 involved the legitimacy of one who was said to be the 
 illegitimate son of Richard Cceur de Lion. In that trial 
 the doctrine /a/ifr est quern nuptias demonstrant, subject, 
 however, to the exception of the absence of the husband 
 extra quaiuor maria, was contended for : and Lady 
 Faulconbridge having remained in England while her 
 husband was employed in Germany, the defendant was 
 found illegitimate ; much stress being given to the testi- 
 mony of Dowager Queen Eleanor, who declared that the 
 defendant had a "trick of Coeur de Lion's face," and 
 that " she read in his composition the token of her son, 
 and she was sure that she was his grandame." So, by the 
 advice of Lord Chief Justice Fitz-Peter, judgment was 
 given for the plaintiif; while the defendant, kneeling 
 before the king, rose Sir Richard Plantagenet. 
 
42 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 SHIRLEY 
 
 has a " Moral dressed in dramatic ornament," entitled 
 "Honoria and Mammon." These names describe two 
 female characters, representing honor and riches. Phan- 
 tasm, servant of Mammon, proposes to Traverse, a law- 
 yer, an introduction to his mistress, with a design of 
 making a match between them, telling him, " I have no 
 mind the city would your client, sir, should break his 
 back with burden of his gold." A sort of legal love- 
 scene ensues between the lady and the lawyer : — 
 
 " Traverse. ... I can court you 
 In a more legal way, and in the name 
 Of love and law, arrest you, thus. {Embraces her. 
 
 Mammon. Arrest me ? 
 
 Trav. And hold you fast, imprisoned in my arms, 
 Without or bail or mainprize. 
 
 Mam. This does well. 
 
 Trav. I can do better yet, and put in such 
 A declaration, madam, as shall startle 
 Your merriest blood. 
 
 Mam. I may put in my answer. 
 
 Trav. Then comes my replication, to which 
 You may rejoin. — Currat lex ! 
 Shall we join issue presently ? " 
 
 In view of his approaching alliance, the lawyer says, — 
 
 " Since fame spread my intended marriage 
 With Lady Mammon, methinks the people 
 Look on me with another face of fear 
 And admiration : in my thoughts I see 
 Myself already in the throne of law." 
 
 To make sure of the lady, he confines her to his house. 
 Just then a doctor comes, informing Traverse that he is 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 
 
 43 
 
 attending Alworthy, a sick scholar, in love with Honoria, 
 and her guest, and, describing the latter lady in glowing 
 terms, wonders that the lawyer has never sought her, 
 saying, — 
 
 " Men that are eminent in law are wont 
 To be ambitious of Honour. 
 
 Trav. It is a maxim in our politics, 
 A judge destroys a mighty practicer : 
 When they grow rich and lazy, they are rife 
 For Honour." 
 
 At length the lawyer is so inflamed by the doctor's 
 description, that he consents to accompany him, disguised 
 as a physician, to the lady's house, and once there, is 
 so much pleased with her, that he craves possession of 
 -her person, and offers, if the doctor will advocate his 
 claims, to give him gold, and do all his law business for 
 nothing. The doctor thereupon says, — 
 
 " I now suspect the lawyer is short-liv'd : 
 Men of his robe are seldom guilty of 
 These restitutions." 
 
 Traverse, pretending that Alworthy is dead, gets Hono- 
 ria's person in his possession, and proposes to make her 
 his wife, arid Mammon his concubine. But Mammon 
 escapes : and Honoria, resisting all the lawyer's violence, 
 and proffers of money, is finally released by Conquest, 
 who himself vainly tries to prevail on her to become his, 
 and then to induce Traverse to kill Alworthy ; the lawyer 
 resists, and is rewarded with the friendship of the lady 
 and her lover. The allegory is too apparent to need 
 explanation. 
 
 In " Chabot " there is some fine argumentation on the 
 
44 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 part of an advocate employed to impeach the chancellor 
 on account of his corrupt and unjust prosecution of the 
 admiral Chabot. He starts off, " It hath been said, and 
 will be said again, and may truly be justified, omnia ex 
 lite fieri. It was the position of philosophers, and now 
 proved by a more philosophical sect, the lawyers, that 
 omnia ex lite fiant, we are all made by law — made, I 
 say, and worthily, if we be just ; if we be unjust, marr'd : 
 though in marring some there is necessity of making 
 others ; for if one fall by the law, ten to one but another 
 is made by the execution of the law, since the corruption 
 of one must conclude the generation of another, though 
 not always in the same profession : the corruption of an 
 apothecary may be the generation of a doctor of physic ; 
 the corruption of an alderman may be the generation of 
 a country justice," etc. The treasurer interrupts him, 
 and beseeches him to " leave all digressions, and speak 
 of the chancellor." He then abuses the chancellor most 
 roundly, even commenting unfavorably on his personal 
 appearance. The treasurer interrupts him again, saying, 
 " Your tongue was guilty of no such character when he 
 sat judge upon the admiral, — a pious, incorrupt man, a 
 faithful and fortunate servant to his king ; and one of the 
 greatest honors that ever the admiral deceived was, that 
 he had so noble and just a judge : this must imply a 
 strange volubility in your tongue or conscience." To 
 this the lawyer replies in the following masterpiece of 
 sophistry : " He was then a judge, and in cathedra, in 
 which he could not err ; it may be your lordships' cases ; 
 out of the chair and seat of justice he hath his firailties, 
 is loosed, and exposed to the conditions of other human 
 natures : so every judge, your lordships are not ignorant, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 45 
 
 hath a kind of privilege while he is in his state, office, 
 and being ; and although he may, quoad se, internally 
 and privately, be guilty of bribery of justice, yet quoad 
 nos, and in public, he is an upright and innocent judge. 
 We are to take no notice — nay, we deserved to suffer, if 
 we should detect or stain him ; for in that we disparage 
 the office, which is the king's, and may be our own : but 
 once removed from his place by just dishonor of the 
 king, he is no more a judge, but a common person, 
 whom the law takes hold on ; and we are then to forget 
 what he hath been, and without partiality to strip and lay 
 him open to the world, a counterfeit and corrupt judge," 
 etc. 
 
 BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER. 
 
 The legal profession and Frenchmen were held up to 
 scorn in Beaumont and Fletcher's comedy, entitled " The 
 Little French Lawyer," in which, strange to say, the law- 
 yer is by no means the principal personage, and is not 
 closely connected with the plot. The character of La 
 Writ, the lawyer, is ascribed by several editors to Beau- 
 mont's pen. La Writ is a fussy, busy, choleric, mean- 
 spirited fellow, who, by an accidental success in a duel 
 forced on him by a ruffling gallant, is filled with the idea 
 that he is a man of spirit, and courts strife until his 
 affected bravery is cudgelled out of him. He makes his 
 first appearance in a sort of general answer to a crowd 
 of cHents : — 
 
 " I understand your causes, — 
 Yours about corn, yours about pins and glasses — 
 Will you make me mad ? have I not all the parcels ? 
 And his petition, too, about bell-founding.? 
 Send in your witnesses — What will you have me do ? 
 
46 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Will you have me break my heart? My brains are mailed ! 
 
 And tell your master, as I am a gentleman, 
 
 His cause shall be the first. Commend me to your mistress, 
 
 And tell her, if there be an extraordinary feather, 
 
 And tall enough for her — I shall despatch you too, 
 
 I know your cause, for transporting of farthingales : 
 
 Trouble me no more. I say again to you. 
 
 No more vexation ! Bid my wife send me some puddings ; 
 
 I have a cause to run through requires puddings ; 
 
 Puddings enough. Farewell." 
 
 That it was the fashion in those days for attorneys to 
 carry bags, is evidenced by the fact that in the duel La 
 Writ's life is saved by his bag, which he hangs in front of 
 him. His antagonist loses his sword, and La Writ tri- 
 umphs, — an example of nonsuit applied to the duel. 
 He takes this success so kindly that he becomes intoxi- 
 cated, sings lewd songs, asks for " a wench or two," says 
 he "hates a coward," — a reminder of FalstafFs "a 
 plague o' all cowards, say L" But while he is winning 
 glory in this unaccustomed field, his causes go by de- 
 fault ; and he flings away his bag, with " Avaunt, thou 
 buckram budget of petitions ! Thou spital of lame 
 causes ! " He challenges the president-judge for dis- 
 missing his causes, and when told that he is no swords- 
 man, says, " Let him learn : time, that trains chickens up, 
 will teach him quickly." The judge, on receiving the 
 challenge from this "wranggling advocate," this "little 
 figent thing," this " notable talking knave," pleads his old 
 age as an excuse for not meeting him in person, and 
 deputes his kinsman to fight in his place. The kinsman 
 Sampson appears ; and the seconds, by preconcert, strip 
 both combatants to the skin for the purpose of discover- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 47 
 
 ing any concealed armor, and then run away with their 
 clothing and their swords. After a noisy combat of 
 words, in which the shivering La Writ proposes " to fight 
 at buffets," which Sampson scoffs at, — " My lord, mine 
 uncle's cause depend on boxes ! " — the two fall in with 
 the judge and his friends ; and La Writ is beaten by one 
 of the latter, who says, — 
 
 " Nay, never look : your lawyer's pate is broken, 
 And your litigious blood about your ears, sirrah. 
 Why do you fight and snarl ? 
 
 La Writ. I was possessed. 
 
 Champernel. I'll dispossess you. {Beats him!' 
 
 After promising to " fall close to his trade again, and 
 leave brawling," and asking the judge's forgiveness, he is 
 permitted to depart, " an advocate new-vamp'd." After 
 this La Writ is as meek as Katharina after her taming by 
 Petruchio, and gives Sampson and his chents as good 
 advice as Katharina her friends. He dissuades Sampson 
 from revenge, saying, — 
 
 " I find I am wiser than a justice of peace now: 
 Give me the wisdom that's beaten into a man ! 
 That sticks still by him. 
 Go, my son Sampson, I have now begot thee, 
 I'll send thee causes ; speak to thy lord, and live, 
 And lay my share by ; go, and live in peace ; 
 Put on new suits, and show fit for thy place ; 
 That man neglects his living is an ass. 
 
 Come cheerly, boys, about our business ! 
 Now welcome tongue again ; hang swords ! " 
 
 In "The Widow," Martino, clerk of Brandino, the 
 justice, gives a warrant to a suitor, with, — 
 " Nay, look upon 't, and spare not : every one cannot 
 
48 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 get that kind of warrant from me, signior. Do you see 
 this prick i' the bottom ? it betokens power and speed ; 
 it is a privy mark that runs betwixt the constables arid 
 my master : those that cannot read, when they see this, 
 know 'tis for lechery or murder ; and this being away, 
 the warrant comes gelded and insufficient. . . . Look 
 you, all these are nihils : they want the punction." 
 
 Much of " The Spanish Curate " seems designed to 
 " crucify the lawyer." In this admirable comedy, the 
 character of Bartolus, the lawyer and one of the principal 
 personages, and the standing of lawyers as evidenced by 
 the luxurious habits of their wives, are strikingly and suc- 
 cinctly exhibited in the opening speeches of his hand- 
 some spouse, Amaranta : — 
 
 " You know your own disease, distrust and jealousy. 
 
 You are too covetous : 
 If that be rank'd a virtue, you have a rich one. 
 Set me, like other lawyers' wives, off handsomely, 
 Attended as I ought ; and as they have it. 
 My coach, my people, and my handsome women, 
 My will in honest things." 
 
 From another speech of Bartolus, it appears that one 
 of the learned professions brought grist to the lawyer's 
 mill, which, in modern times, does not except indi- 
 rectly : — 
 
 " 'Tis some honest client. 
 Rich and litigious, the curate has brought to me." 
 
 But the curate brings instead a law-student in the per- 
 son of Leandro, a gallant disguised, who is in love with 
 the beautiful Amaranta, and, as a means to prosecute his 
 suit, proposes to become an inmate of Bartolus's house 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 
 
 49 
 
 and office. It would be pleasing to the profession to 
 meet a law-student of equal ability and willingness to pay- 
 nowadays; for this one offered twenty ducats a month 
 for the privilege, besides three hundred down, and to 
 " defray his diet." Of course, he was accepted. Diego, 
 the sexton, who accompanies him, bids him adieu with — 
 
 " Take a good heart : and when you are a cunning lawyer, 
 I'll sell my bells ; and you shall prove it lawful." 
 
 Amaranta's suspicions are aroused by the hberal pay- 
 ments which her husband tells her the student has made : 
 and the student serenades her in some verses, which she 
 says "are no law; they sound too sweetly." Don Hen- 
 rique employs Bartolus in a dishonest cause, upon which 
 hinges the other branch of the plot. Bartolus scruples 
 not : " We surgeons of the law do desperate cures ; good 
 fees beget good causes ; the prerogative of the crowns 
 will carry the matter; the assistant sits to-morrow, and 
 he's your friend : your moneyed men love naturally ; and 
 as your loves are clear, so are your causes. Hang the 
 penurious ! their causes, like their purses, have poor 
 issues." But he " must have witnesses enough and ready 
 — substantial, fearless souls — that will swear suddenly — 
 that will swear any thing ; for variety, they may swear 
 truth, else 'tis not much look'd after." He then advises 
 his client to " see " the judge, and dismisses him with 
 "go, and believe i' the law." Before they come into 
 court, the defendant assails Bartolus with foul language, 
 and insinuates that he "would plead a needy client's 
 cause for a starv'd hen, or half a little loin of veal, though 
 fly-blown." Bartolus's opening speech in court is quite 
 in the modern vein : — 
 
so LA IV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " If I stood here 
 To plead in the defence of an ill man, 
 Most equal judge, or to accuse the innocent 
 (To both which I profess myself a stranger). 
 It would be requisite I should deck my language 
 With tropes and figures, and all flourishes 
 That grace a rhetorician : 'tis confess'd 
 Adulterate metals need the goldsmith's art 
 To set 'em off ; what in itself is perfect 
 Contemns a borrowed gloss." 
 
 As a matter of course, the court is with Bartolus and 
 his client. On another occasion Bartolus says, — 
 
 " I have been atoning two most wrangling neighbors : 
 They had no money, therefore I made even." 
 
 But Leandro finding scant opportunities to court Ama- 
 ranta, his friends, the curate and the sexton, enter into a 
 plot to entice Bartolus from home. Diego feigns mortal 
 sickness, and sends Lopez for Bartolus to draw his will. 
 Then ensues a most amusing scene. It is represented to 
 Bartolus that Diego is very rich, and after making sun- 
 dry bequests, intends most of his estate for the covetous 
 lawyer. Diego's attendants give him drink to sustain his 
 strength ; and he, becoming tipsy, makes the most ex- 
 travagant and absurd provisions for all sorts of strange 
 objects : and the lawyer is in an agony at seeing his pros- 
 pects dissipated. After spinning out this will as long as 
 possible, the conspirators confess that they have been 
 fooling Bartolus. He raves ; and Diego " finds this cata- 
 plasm of a well-cozened lawyer, laid to his stomach, 
 lenifies his fever." In the mean time, the handsome wife 
 and the law-student are improving the opportunity at 
 home, and in a pretended attendance at church. On 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 51 
 
 Baxtolus's return he rages horribly, but is quieted by 
 Lopez's mention of the Inquisition as a terror to those 
 who deny their wives the privilege of church. He pre- 
 tends to be reconciled, and invites the conspirators to 
 breakfast. They attend : he deprives them of their 
 weapons, surrounds them with officers, and instead of 
 edibles, puts in one dish " an execution for a thousand 
 ducats " against the guest ; in another, " a capias from his 
 surgeon and his silk man;" in another, "a strong cita- 
 tion ; " and in another, " a warrant to appear before the 
 judges." Out of this mess they are rescued by a deus 
 ex machina, and in the end all parties are reconciled. 
 
 In " A Wife for a Month," a " Lawyer, Physician, Cap- 
 tain, and Cutpurse pass over the stage ; " and Tony, a 
 fool, in his remarks to Podrano concerning the various 
 " suitors to the widow lady," deals out hard measure to 
 our profession, in respect to our gallantry toward the fair 
 sex : — 
 
 " Podrano. Why, these are rascals ! 
 
 Tony. They were meant to be so : 
 Does thy master deserve better kindred ? 
 
 Pod. There's an old lawyer, 
 Trimm'd up like a galley-foist : what would he do with her .-' 
 
 Tony. As usurers do with their gold : he would look on 
 her. 
 And read her over once a day, like a hard report, 
 Feed his dull eye, and keep his fingers itching; 
 For any thing else she may appeal to a parliament : 
 Subpcsnas axid posteas have spoil'd his codpiece." 
 
 When the suitors present themselves and urge their 
 claims, the lawyer says, " I am a lawyer : I can make 
 her a jointure of any man's land in Naples ; and she 
 
52 LA IV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 shall keep it too : I have a trick for it." To which Tony 
 answers, — 
 
 " Canst thou make her a jointure of thine honesty, 
 Or thy abihty, thou lewd abridgement ? 
 Those are nonsuited, and flung o'er the bar." 
 
 When, to test their sincerity, it is inquired of the 
 suitors which of them will " dare take her for one month, 
 and then die ? " the lawyer excuses himself, because 
 
 " This is like to be a year of great dissention 
 Among good people, and I dare not lose it : 
 There will be money got." 
 
 RACINE. 
 
 Closely modelled, in several scenes, upon " The Wasps " 
 of Aristophanes, but of more intelligible, because of more 
 modem, interest, is " Les Plaideurs " of Racine. We 
 have, as dramatis personcB, Dandin, a judge, fond of 
 exercising his powers ; his son, L^andre, a gay youth, to 
 whom the study of the law, for which his father designs 
 him, is irksome ; L'lntim^, the judge's secretary ; Petit 
 Jean, the house-porter, illiterate ; and the Prompter, 
 who helps the advocate. Petit Jean, in the trial scene ; 
 also Chicaneau, a citizen, and La Comtesse, botla litigious. 
 L^andre and Dandin make their first appearance in a 
 dialogue, in which the old man expostulates with his son 
 on account of his dissolute course, and reproaches him 
 for despising the law. The hereditary pride of the old 
 French judge is strikingly illustrated : — 
 
 " Money is not earned so fast in my dominion. 
 Each of thy fine ribbons cost me 'n opinion. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 53 
 
 My gown makes you ashamed ! And you the son of a judge ! 
 Should'st act the gentleman ? O Dandin ! that's all fudge ! 
 See, in my dressing-room and chamber, looking down. 
 The portraits of the Dandins : all these have worn the gown. 
 It is a good profession. Compare, — that price with this, — 
 The New- Year's gifts of a good judge and those of a mar- 
 quis. 
 Remark what we shall be at th' end of next December, — 
 What's then your gentleman ? A post in th' ante-chamber." 
 
 The son tries to convince the father that his health 
 demands repose and retirement, and to induce him to 
 stay at home, and temporarily give up business. The old 
 gentleman being indisposed to accede, the son threatens 
 restraint. The judge says that life to him, without the 
 exercise of his official duties, is a punishment. The son 
 tells him he can set up a domestic court. At that 
 moment the porter opportunely rushes in, announcing 
 that the house-dog. Citron, has carried off and devoured 
 a capon. The judge seizes on the idea, orders the ar- 
 raignment of the offender, and assigns the porter to the 
 prosecution, and the secretary to the defence. The trial 
 then goes on, with the aid of the Prompter ; the advo- 
 cates having first been crammed for their respective 
 parts. I give in another place a translation in full of 
 this admirable scene, in which the tedious prolixity and 
 irrelevancy of the advocates, and their oratorical affecta- 
 tions, with the ad captandum argument of presenting the 
 prisoner's family in court, which even nowadays is so 
 effective when the action is against a railroad, and the 
 relatives are women in weeds, are drawn in a masterly 
 manner. 
 
 In the last scene, our author depicts the indifference 
 
54 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 with which courts had grown to regard the torture of 
 litigants upon the rack, or " putting the question," as it 
 was termed : — 
 
 "Dandin. Have you, then, never seen a party put to 
 torture ? 
 
 Isabelle. No, and believe I never would for my salvation. 
 
 Dandin. I wish you'd gratify for this your inclination. 
 
 Isabelle. Oh! when th' unhappy suffer, can any one 
 stand by? 
 
 Dandin. Why, to fill an hour or two, it answers passa- 
 bly." 
 
 This, from a magistrate who was so overcome at the 
 sight of the prisoner's orphaned family, is pretty strong 
 satire, but not extravagant, as observation shows. In 
 a dialogue between Chicaneau and La Comtesse, the 
 former gives the following account of his experience in 
 litigation : — 
 
 Here are the facts. Fifteen or twenty years, an ass 
 
 Over my meadow had accustomed been to pass 
 
 And there disport himself, by which much waste he made ; 
 
 For which before the village judge my plaint I laid. 
 
 The ass I attach. An appraiser's nominated : 
 
 At trusses two of hay the waste is estimated. 
 
 In short, with this award, after a year, they fling 
 
 Me empty out of court. And then an appeal I bring. 
 
 Now, while th' appeal in court was sleeping at its ease, — 
 
 Remark particularly, madame, if you please, — 
 
 My lawyer, Drolichon, — no fool, — on my petition. 
 
 Obtained by bribery a premature decision; 
 
 And thus 1 gain my cause. On that, what comes to pass ? 
 
 My opponent sly resists the scire facias. 
 
 But while procedure on procedure thickens, 
 
 My adversary turns into my field his chickens. 
 
AS DEPICTED IN THE DRAMATISTS. 55 
 
 To ascertain, unto the court it then seemed meet, 
 How much of grass one chicken in one day can eat. 
 Issue at last is joined. In fine, when every thing 
 In that condition stands, the cause, they say, they'll bring 
 To hearing, April fifteenth or sixteenth, 'fifty-six. 
 I write fresh score. I put in evidence, and mix 
 Plaints, pleas, inspections, compulsory inquisitions, 
 Reports of experts, transfers, three mesne decisions, 
 Fresh facts and grievances, reports and stipulations ; 
 I swear to prove all false, get royal declarations : 
 Fourteen appointments, thirty writs, six allegations. 
 Productions six and twenty, twenty just'fications, 
 Judgment in short. My cause is swallowed in expense 
 Amounting to about five or six thousand francs. 
 Call you this doing right ? Is this the way of courts ? 
 After fifteen or twenty years ! There's no resource 
 For me left open but petition civil. 
 
 The countess is also an old hand. She has been in law 
 thirty years or more. Chicaneau says, " That's not much,'' 
 and asks how old she is. " Sixty," she replies. But most 
 of her suits are finished. She has on hand only four or 
 five little affairs, — one against her husband, and others 
 against her father and her children. She has endeavored 
 to live honestly, but to live without htigation cannot con- 
 tent her. She is no compromiser : she will have all or 
 nothing, and will sell her chemise if necessary. 
 
 The accounts of the origin of this, Racine's only com- 
 edy, vary materially. One account is, that a troublesome 
 and disastrous lawsuit, in which he was the losing party, 
 was the occasion of it. According to another and rather 
 apocryphal account, it was invented and written at a 
 tavern supper, at which were present Racine, Chapelle, 
 Boileau, La Fontaine, Furetifere, Cavois, and Brilhac, a 
 
S6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 counsellor of parliament. One proposed that they write 
 a satire, each furnishing a line in turn. When it came 
 Brilhac's turn, he was not equal to the poetical emer- 
 gency, and proposed that they write a comedy on law 
 and lawyers instead; he furnisliing the characters from 
 life, and the rest of them the verses. So, on this hint, 
 Furetiere formed the plot ; Racine, Chapelle, and Boileau 
 made the verses ; and Cavois and the rest furnished the 
 wit. 
 
 MOLIERE. 
 
 The great comedist of France entertained the same 
 idea of smoothing the asperities of the law by the charms 
 of music and poetry. In his play entitled " Monsieur de 
 Pourceaugnac, or Squire Lubberly," the hero, an advo- 
 cate of Limoges, becomes a prey to all sorts of practical 
 jokes, and, among other things, is threatened with a 
 prosecution for bigamy. Sbrigani, the engineer of all 
 the mischiefs against the simple-minded squire, teUs him, 
 " In this country justice is as rigorous as the Devil against 
 that sort of crime." 
 
 " Lubberly. Ay ! but though there should be an 
 Information, Citation, Decree, and Judgment obtained 
 by Surprize, Default, and Contumacy, I've a way, by dis- 
 puting the Jurisdiction of the Court, to gain Time, and 
 bring about the Means of invalidating the Prosecution. 
 
 Sbrigani. Why, this is talking of it in all the terms ! 
 and 'tis plain that you are of the profession, sir. 
 
 Lub. I ? Not at all : I — I am a gentleman. 
 
 Sbri. Certainly, to talk thus, you must have studied 
 the practice. 
 
 Lub. No : it's nothing but common sense ; which 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 57 
 
 makes me conclude I shall always be admitted to justify 
 myself by facts, and that I cannot be condemned upon 
 a simple accusation, without a re-examination, and a con- 
 frontation with the parties. 
 
 Sbri. This is finer still. 
 
 Lub. These words come from me without my knowl- 
 edge. 
 
 Sbri. Methinks the common sense of a gentleman 
 may go so far as to conceive what is right and the order 
 of justice, but not to know the very terms of quibbling. 
 
 Lub. These are some words I have remembered by 
 reading romances." 
 
 Would that I could find these romances ! They con- 
 clude to seek legal advice ; and Sbrigani offers to conduct 
 him to a couple of very able men, but warns him not to 
 be surprised at their manner of speaking : " They have 
 contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming, which 
 appears like singing ; and you'll take all they say to you 
 for music." 
 
 Then ensues the scene with the lawyers. First coun- 
 sellor, drawling out his words, — 
 
 " In case of Po-li-ga-my, 
 Hanging's what the laws decree." 
 
 Second counsellor, speaking very fast, — 
 
 "What you've done 
 Is clear and plain ; 
 And in that case 
 'Tis very full 
 What the law says. 
 Consult our authors, 
 Legislators, and glossators. 
 
S8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Justinian, Papinian, 
 
 Ulpian, Tribonian, 
 
 Fernand, Rebuffi, John Imolus, 
 
 Paul, Castro, Julian, Bartolus, 
 
 Jason, TUciat, and Cujas, 
 
 That able man, you'll find they say. 
 
 In th' case of Poligamy, 
 
 Hanging the laws decree." 
 
 Second counsellor sings, — 
 
 " AU people that are civilized 
 And well advised, 
 French, English, Hollanders, 
 Danes, Swedes, and Polanders, 
 Flemings, Spanish, Portuguese, 
 Italians, Germans, — all of these, 
 Herein you'll find 
 Are of a mind. 
 In the case of Poligamy 
 Hanging the laws decree." 
 
 First counsellor sings, — 
 
 " In the case of Poligamy, 
 Hanging the laws decree." 
 
 This would be a good tune for our government to 
 sing to the Mormons. 
 
 I think we lawyers ought to be grateful that Molifere 
 did not write about our profession so much as he did 
 about the physicians. The following, from " Le Malade 
 Imaginaire," will sufficiently explain my reason for think- 
 ing so. Argan desires to will his property to his wife ; 
 but Bonnefoy, the notary, tells him that cannot be done. 
 "Custom is against it. If you were in a country of 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 59 
 
 statute law, it might be done : but at Paris, and in coun- 
 tries for the most part governed by custom, 'tis what 
 can't be; and the disposition would be null. AU the 
 advantage that a man and woman, joined by wedlock, 
 can give each to the other, is by mutual gift during life. 
 Moreover, there must be no children, either of the two 
 conjuncts or of one of them, at the decease of the first 
 that dies. 
 
 Argan. Then, 'tis a very impertinent custom that a 
 husband can't leave any thing to a wife, by whom he's 
 tenderly beloved, and who takes so much care of him. 
 I should desire to consult my counsellor, to see what I 
 could do. 
 
 Bonnefoy. 'Tis not to counsel that you must apply ; 
 for they are commonly severe in these points, and ima- 
 gine it a great crime to dispose of any thing contrary 
 to law. They are difficult people, and are ignorant of 
 the by-ways of conscience. There are other persons to 
 consult who are much fitter to accommodate you ; who 
 have expedients of passing gently over the law, and of 
 making that just which is not allowed ; who know how 
 to smooth the- difficulties of an affair, and to find means 
 of eluding custom by some indirect advantage. Without 
 that, where should we always be ? There must be a facility 
 in things : otherwise we should do nothing, and I would 
 not give a sous for our business." 
 
 Argan then asks how he can give his estate to his wife, 
 and deprive his children of it. Bonnefoy replies, " You 
 must secretly choose an intimate friend of your wife's, to 
 whom you may bequeath, in due form by your will, all 
 that you can ; and this friend shall afterward give up all 
 to her. You may further sign a great many bonds without 
 
6o LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 suspicion, payable to several creditors, who shall lend their 
 names to your wife, and shall put into her hands a decla- 
 ration that what they had done in it was only to serve 
 her. You may likewise, in your lifetime, put into her 
 hands ready money or bills which you may have payable 
 to the bearer." 
 
 In " L'Ecole des Femmes " our poet explains the law 
 of jointures and settlements, through the mouth of a 
 notary : " The law says, the husband that is to be shall 
 settle upon the wife that is to be the third part of her 
 portion ; but the law signifies nothing at all : you may 
 do a great deal more than that if you've a mind to. As 
 for the presents to be made, let them agree together. I 
 say, the husband that is to be may jointure the wife that 
 is to be just as he thinks fit. He may give her so much, 
 and more, if he loves her greatly, and is desirous to oblige 
 her, and that by way of jointure or settlement, as they 
 call it, to be lost, and go away entirely to the right heirs 
 of the wife that is to be, upon her decease ; or else, 
 according to the statute, as people have a mind ; or as a 
 gift, by deed in form, which may be made either single 
 or mutual. Wherefore do you shrug? Talk I like a fool, 
 or don't I understand the manner of a contract? Who 
 is it can teach me ? Nobody, I presume. Don't I know, 
 that when they are married, they have in law an equal 
 right to all movables, moneys, immovables, and acquisi- 
 tions, unless they give it up by an act of renunciation? 
 Don't I know that a third part of the portion of the wife 
 that is to be becomes in common," etc. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 6 1 
 
 WYCHERLEY. 
 
 As might be expected from the dissolute manners of 
 those times, law and lawyers make but a small iigure in the 
 dramatists of the Restoration. In " The Plain Dealer," 
 however, we find some amusing hits at the lawyers, and 
 one very amusing character, " Widow Blackacre, a petu- 
 lant, litigious widow, always in law." Scene i of Act III. 
 is laid in Westminster Hall, where Manly and Freeman 
 enter : — 
 
 "Manly. I hate this place worse than a man who 
 has inherited a chancery suit. I wish I were out on't 
 again. 
 
 Freeman. Why, you need not be afraid of this 
 place ; for a man without money needs no more fear a 
 crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets. 
 
 Man. This the reverend of the law would have 
 thought the palace or residence of Justice ; but if it be, 
 she lives here with the state of a Turkish emperor rarely 
 seen, and besieged, rather than defended, by her numer- 
 ous blackguard here." 
 
 The widow enters in a crowd of half a dozen law- 
 yers : — 
 
 " Widow. Offer me a reference ! you saucy compan- 
 ion, you ! D'ye know who ye speak to ? Art thou a 
 solicitor in chancery, and offer me a reference? Mr. 
 Sergeant Plodden, here's a fellow has the impudence to 
 offer me a reference ! 
 
 Sergeant Plodden. Who's that has the impudence to 
 offer a reference within these walls ? " 
 
 The widow says to Mr. Quaint, " Pray, go talk a great 
 deal in chancery; let your words be easy and your 
 
62 LAiV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 sense hard ; my cause requires it ; branch it bravely, and 
 deck my cause with flowers, that the snake may lie hid- 
 den. Go, go, and be sure you remember the decree of 
 my Lord Chancellor, Tricesimo quart of the queen. 
 
 Quaint. I will, as I see cause, extenuate or exem- 
 plify matters of fact ; baffle truth with impudence ; an- 
 swer exceptions with questions, though never so imperti- 
 nent; for reasons give 'em words; for law and equity, 
 tropes and figures ; and so relax and enervate the sinews 
 of their argument with the oil of my eloquence. But 
 when my lungs can reason no longer, and not being able 
 to say any thing more for our cause, say every thing of 
 our adversary." 
 
 On espjdng another lawyer, the widow exclaims, " Is 
 not that Mr. What-d'ye-caU-him, that goes there, he that 
 offered to sell me a suit in chancery for five hundred 
 pounds, for a hundred down, and only pajdng the clerk's 
 fees?" Again, Manly complains that "a lawyer talked 
 peremptorily and saucily to me, and as good as gave me 
 the lie ; " to which Freeman replies, " They do it so often 
 to one another at the bar, that they make no bones on't 
 elsewhere." 
 
 Major Old/ox, given to scribbling, and in love with the 
 widow, says to her, "Here's a poem, in blank verse, 
 which I think a handsome declaration of one's passion ; " 
 to which the widow answers, " Oh ! if you talk of declara- 
 tions, I'll show you one of the prettiest penned things, 
 which I mended too, myself, you must know. 
 
 Old. Nay, lady, if you have used yourself so much 
 to the reading harsh law, that you hate smooth poetry, 
 here is a character for you of — 
 
 Wid. A character ! Nay, then I'll show you my bill 
 
/iS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 63 
 
 of chancery here, that gives you such a character of my 
 adversary, makes him as black — 
 
 Old. Pshaw ! Away, away, lady ! But, if you think 
 the character too long, here is an epigram, not above 
 twenty lines, upon a cruel lady, who decreed her servant 
 should hang himself, to demonstrate his passion. 
 
 Wid. Decreed ! If you talk of decreeing, I have 
 such a decree here, drawn by the finest clerk — 
 
 Old. O lady, lady ! all interruption and no sense 
 between us, as if we were lawyers at the bar ! but I 
 had forgot Apollo and Littleton never lodge in a head 
 together." 
 
 Which last sentiment is agreed with by Pope, who 
 says, — 
 
 " How sweet an Ovid, Murray was our boast ! 
 How many Martials were in Pulteney lost ! " 
 
 This dialogue winds up with an offer on the part of 
 the major to read a letter about "the coffee-man's case." 
 The widow answers, " Nay, if your letter have a case in't, 
 'tis something; but first, I'll read you a letter of mine 
 to a friend in the country, called a letter of attorney." 
 Finally, when one proposes to marry her, she replies, " Oh, 
 stay, sir ! Can you be so cruel as to bring me under 
 Covert- Baron again, and put it out of my power to sue 
 in my own name ? Matrimony to a woman is worse than 
 excommunication, in depriving her of the benefit of the 
 law." 
 
 FARQUHAR, 
 
 In "The Twin Rivals," depicts a vulgar, rascally attorney, 
 Subtleman ; but I find only one sentiment in his speeches 
 
64 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 worthy of quotation. He is endeavoring to induce an- 
 other to swear to a false will ; and when it is objected 
 to as against conscience, he asks, " But, if we make it 
 lawful, what should you fear? We now think nothing 
 against conscience, tiU the cause be thrown out of court." 
 
 CONGREVE, 
 
 in "Love for Love," makes Valentine, who assumes 
 madness, inquire, "Why does that lawyer wear black? 
 Does he carry his conscience without-side? Lawyer, 
 dost thou know me ? 
 
 Buckram. O Lord ! what must I say ? Yes, sir. 
 
 Valentine. Thou Hest, for I am truth. 'Tis hard I 
 cannot get a livelihood amongst you. I have been sworn 
 out of Westminster Hall the first day of every term, — let 
 me see, — no matter how long. But I'U tell you one 
 thing : it's a question that would puzzle an arithmetician, 
 if you should ask him, whether the Bible saves more 
 souls in Westminster Abbey, or damns more in Westmin- 
 ster HaU." 
 
 After the lawyer goes, he says, "'Tis well: then we 
 may drink a bout without going together by the ears." 
 When the lawyer re-enters, he exclaims, " 'Tis the lawyer 
 with an itching palm ; and he's come to be scratched — 
 my nails are not long enough. Let me have a pair of 
 red-hot tongs, quickly, quickly ; and you shall see me act 
 St. Dunstan, and lead the Devil by the nose." The 
 lawyer runs off in a fright, and the pseudo-lunatic cries 
 to him that he need not run so fast. " Honesty will 
 not overtake you.'' Congreve shows his acuteness by 
 attributing such sentiments as the foregoing to a madman. 
 
 Jeremy, a servant, endeavoring to give an adequate 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE liRAMATISTS. 65 
 
 idea of his skill in putting off his master's creditors, says, 
 " I have dispatched some half a dozen duns with as 
 much dexterity as a hungry Judge does causes at dinner- 
 time." 
 
 Scandal, in speaking of his collection of portraits, — 
 "as like as at KneUer's," — says, "I have some Hiero- 
 glyphics too : I have a Lawyer with a hundred Hands, 
 two Heads, and but one Face." 
 
 FIELDING, 
 
 who himself was a lawyer, and a justice of the peace, has 
 several gibes at the lawyers in "Don Quixote in Eng- 
 land," a comedy little known. Sancho sings the follow- 
 ing song : — 
 
 " Rogues there are of each nation, 
 
 Except among the divines ; 
 
 And vinegar, since the creation, 
 
 Hath still been made of all wines. 
 
 Against one lawyer Lurch 
 
 A county scarce can guard : 
 
 One parson does for a church. 
 
 One doctor for a churchyard." 
 
 Brief, a lawyer, is cudgelled, and delivers himself as 
 follows : " I'll have satisfaction : I won't be used after 
 this manner for nothing, while there is either law, or 
 judge, or justice, or jury, or crown-office, or actions of 
 damages, or on the case, or trespasses, or assaults and 
 batteries. I am abus'd, beaten, hurt, maimed, disfigured, 
 defaced, dismembered, kiU'd, massacred, and murdered 
 by this rogue, robber, rascal, villain. I sha'n't be able to 
 appear at Westminster half the whole term. It will be 
 as good a three hundred pounds out of my pocket as 
 
66 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 ever was taken." A physician suggests that the ofTender 
 is mad. Brief replies, " Pshaw ! the man is no more 
 mad than I am. I should be finely off if he could be 
 proved non combos mentis : 'tis an easy thing for a man 
 to pretend madness ex post facto. Very fine doctrine! 
 very fine indeed ! A man's beating of another is a proof 
 of madness. So that if a man be indicted he has noth- 
 ing to do but to plead non compos mentis, and he's 
 acquitted, of course : so there's an end of all actions of 
 assault and battery at once." (This is worthy of study 
 by those emotionally lunatic persons who murder men 
 in a fit of jealousy, and after acquittal for madness, have 
 a lucid interval all the rest of their lives.) Don Quix- 
 ote argues that the lawyer himself is mad, " or he would 
 not have gone into a scuffle, when it is the business of 
 men of his profession to set other men by the ears and 
 keep clear themselves." The piece winds up with a 
 song, in which it is sung that 
 
 " Lawyers are for Bedlam fit, 
 Or they never 
 Could endeavor 
 Half the rogueries to commit 
 Which we're so mad to let 'em." 
 
 In his farce, " An Old Man taught Wisdom," Worm- 
 wood, a lawyer, asks, "What would you do without 
 lawyers? Who'd know his own property?" In "Pas- 
 quin: a Dramatic Satire on the Times," being the re- 
 hearsal of two plays, viz., a comedy called "The 
 Election," and a tragedy called "The Life and Death 
 of Common Sense," Law is one of the characters of the 
 tragedy, and conspires with Physic to overthrow Com- 
 mon Sense, saying, — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 6j 
 
 " While that drowsy queen 
 Maintains her empire, what becomes of us ? 
 Thou knows't, my Lord of Physic, I had long 
 Been privileg'd by custom immemorial. 
 In tongues unknown, or rather none at all, 
 My edicts to deliver through the land ; 
 When this proud queen, this Common Sense, abridg'd 
 My power, and made me understood by all. 
 
 Physic. My lord, there goes a rumor through the court 
 That you descended from a family 
 Related to the queen : Reason is said 
 T' have been the mighty founder of your house. 
 
 Law. Perhaps so; but we have rais'd ourselves so 
 high. 
 And shook this founder from us off so far, 
 We hardly deign to own from whence we came.'' 
 
 The Queen of Common Sense enters, and says, — 
 
 " My Lord of Law, I sent for you this morning : 
 I have a strange petition given to me ; 
 Two men, it seems, have lately been at law 
 For an estate, which both of them have lost, 
 And their attorneys now divide between them. 
 
 Law. Madam, these things will happen in the law. 
 
 Q. C. S. Will they, my lord ? then better we have 
 none; 
 But I have also heard a sweet bird sing, 
 That men, unable to discharge their debts 
 At a short warning, being sued for them. 
 Have, with both power and will their debts to pay, 
 Lain all their lives in prison for their costs. 
 
 Law. That may perhaps be some poor person's case, 
 Too mean to entertain your royal ear. 
 
 Q. C. S. My lord, while I am queen, I shall not think 
 One man too mean or poor to be redress'd : 
 
68 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Moreover, lord, I am inform'd your laws 
 Are grown so large, and daily yet increase, 
 That the great age of old Mathusalem 
 Would scarce suffice to read your statutes out." 
 
 Queen Ignorance invades the realm, and is supported 
 by the conspirators, including " attorneys all completely 
 arm'd in brass." Queen Common Sense is overcome 
 and slain; but while Ignorance is thanking Law and 
 Physic for their aid, and assuring them that she will not 
 forget their services, the ghost of the dead queen arises, 
 and routs the whole crowd. 
 
 Fielding seems to think, however, that there is one 
 occupation more infamous than that of the lawyer : — 
 
 " The lawyer who's been 
 
 In the pillory seen, 
 While eggs his complexion made yellow: 
 
 Nay, the Devil's to blame. 
 
 Or he'll own to his shame, 
 That a stock-jobber has no fellow." 
 
 This, of course, seems extravagant to us in the year 
 1882. 
 
 In "Rape upon Rape, or the Justice caught in his 
 own Trap," we find evidence that law was not, in Field- 
 ing's time, administered in the petty tribunals with that 
 purity which now characterizes our justices' courts. Jus- 
 tice Squeezum, and Quill, his clerk, come upon the 
 scene : — 
 
 "Squeezum. Did mother Bilkum refuse to pay my 
 demands, say you ? 
 
 Quill. Yes, sir: she says she does not value your 
 worship's protection of a farthing ; for that she can bribe 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 69 
 
 two juries a year to acquit her in Hicks' hall, for half the 
 money which she hath paid you within these three 
 months. 
 
 Squeez. Very fine ! I shall shew her that I under- 
 stand something of juries as well as herself. Quill, make 
 a memorandum against mother Bilkum's trial, that we 
 may remember to have the panel No. 3 : they are a set 
 of good men, and true, and hearken to no evidence but 
 mine. 
 
 Quill. Sir, Mr. Snap, the bailiffs follower, hath set 
 up a shop, and is a freeholder. He hopes your worship 
 will put him into a panel on the first vacancy. 
 
 Squeez. Minute him down for No. 2. I think half 
 of that panel are baiKfFs' followers. Thank Heaven ! the 
 laws have not excluded those butchers. 
 
 Quill. No, sir : the law forbids butchers to be jury- 
 men, but does not forbid jurymen to be butchers. 
 
 Squeez. Quill, d'ye hear? Look out for some new 
 recruits for the panel No. i . We shall have a swinging 
 vacancy there the next session. Truly, if we do not take 
 some care to regulate the juries in the Old Bailey, we 
 shall have no juries for Hicks' hall. 
 
 Quill. Very true, sir. But that panel hath been 
 more particularly unfortunate. I believe I remember it 
 hanged at least twice over." 
 
 Squeezum elsewhere says, "The laws are turnpikes, 
 only made to stop people who walk on foot, and not to 
 interrupt people who drive through them in their car- 
 riages. The laws are like a game at loo, where a blaze 
 of court-cards is always secure, and the knaves are the 
 safest cards in the pack." 
 
70 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 SHERIDAN, 
 
 in " The School for Scandal," has a good idea of the 
 responsibility of slanderers, when he makes Sir Peter 
 Teazle say, " I would have law merchant for them too ; 
 and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer 
 of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should 
 have a right to come on any of the indorsers." 
 
 KNOWLES. 
 
 In Sheridan Knowles's charming comedy, "The Love 
 Chase," the same old tune is sung by Sir William Fond- 
 love, for whom the lawyers are drawing up a marriage 
 settlement : — 
 
 " Sir Wil. How many words you take to tell few things I 
 Again, again say over what, said once, 
 Methinks were told enough ! 
 
 First Lawyer. It is the law 
 Which labors at precision. 
 
 Sir Wil. Yes, and thrives 
 Upon uncertainty — and makes it, too, 
 With all its pains to shun it. I could bind 
 Myself, methinks, with but the twentieth part 
 Of aU this cordage, sirs.'' 
 
 However much men may complain of the verbosity 
 of lawyers in fastening marriage upon them, I believe 
 they are never known to find any fault with waste of 
 words in unfastening the "cordage;" but this is a 
 question fitter for the meridian of Chicago than for 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 71 
 
 MISS EDGEWORTH, 
 
 also, in her comedy "Love and Law," portrays the 
 Utigious spirit of the Irish in an admirable manner. 
 Counsellor O'Blaney says, "In Ireland it would as ill 
 become a gentleman to be any way shy of a law-shute as 
 of a duel." To the suggestion that law is expensive, he 
 answers, " But 'tis the best economy in the end ; for, 
 when once you have cast or non-shuted your man in the 
 courts, 'tis as good as winged him in the field. And sup- 
 pose you don't get sixpence costs, and lose your cool 
 hundred by it, still it's a great advantage ; for you are let 
 alone to enjoy your own in pace and quiet ever after, 
 which you could not do in this county without it." 
 Carver, a justice, says, "The poor ha,ve nothing to do 
 with the laws. 
 
 O'Blaney. Except the penal. 
 
 Carver. True, the civil law is for us men of property." 
 Catty Rooney, a termagant, law-loving widow, speaking 
 of a law-suit she has vidth a neighbor about a bit of bog, 
 says, " I'll drive all the grazing cattle, every foor-footed 
 baast off the land, and pound 'em in Ballynavogue ; and 
 if they replevy, why, I'll distrain again : -if it be forty times, 
 I will go. I'll go on distraining, and I'll advertise, and 
 I'll cant, and I'll sell the distress at the end of eight days. 
 And if they dare for to go for to put a plough in that bit 
 of reclaimed bog, I'll come down upon 'em with an 
 injunction : and I would not value the expense of bring- 
 ing down a record a pin's pint ; and if that went again 
 me, I'd remove it to the courts above, and wilcome : and 
 after that, I'd go into equity ; and if the chancellor would 
 not be my friend, I'd take it over to the House of Lords 
 
72 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 in London, so I would, as soon as look at 'em ; for I'd 
 wear my feet to the knees for justice, so I would." 
 
 KENNY. 
 
 " Love, Law, and Physic," a farce by James Kenny, is 
 celebrated. Mr. Daniel, in his introduction to the modem 
 acting edition, says of the character of Flexible, the bar- 
 rister, which was written for Matthews, " We were present 
 on the second night of his performance, and had the good 
 luck to see his imitation of the late Lord Ellenborough, in 
 his mock charge to the jury, which was one of the finest 
 things the actor ever did ; for not only were the voice, 
 manner, pronunciation, and roll of his lordship hit off with 
 perfect exactness, but his very physiognomy was exhibited 
 with astonishing truth. We never beheld an audience 
 more completely taken by surprise. For some special 
 reason, Matthews discontinued it after the second night." 
 While it is hardly worth while to analyze the play, the 
 passage above spoken of may be of interest. It is as 
 follows : " Now, gentlemen, there cannot remain a doubt 
 on your minds that the plaintiff's misfortune was aggra- 
 vated, even as it originated by an unhappy manual ren- 
 counter with the dear companion of his destiny, in which 
 the acute extremities of her delicate fingers unfortunately 
 dislodged the sovereign specific, while in the very act of 
 performing its never-failing duty of restoration. Hence, 
 gentlemen, it was not to the application of the remedy, 
 but its removal ; not to his medical friend's want of skill 
 but his spouse's want of temper; not to his Infallible 
 Balsam, but to her cream of tartar, gentlemen, — that the 
 plaintiff owes the injury for which he comes into court, 
 and calls upon you for heavy damages." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE DRAMATISTS. 73 
 
 In Townsend's sketch of Ellenborough, in " Lives of 
 Twelve Eminent Judges," we find the following reference 
 to Matthews's acting in this piece, and the "special" 
 reasons that led to its sudden withdrawal : " The effect, 
 we are told, was quite astonishing. The pit was almost 
 filled with men of law. Soon after, Matthews received a 
 request that he would go to Carlton House on a certain 
 evening. He found the prince surrounded by a very 
 small circle. After a most gracious reception, the general 
 conversation was resumed ; and Matthews was for some 
 time at a loss to guess the immediate cause of his invita- 
 tion. At length the prince began to speak of the extraor- 
 dinary sensation Matthews's recent imitation had caused, 
 adding that he had the greatest desire in the world to 
 hear it, and concluded by saying that it would be con- 
 sidered as a favor if Matthews would then give the charge 
 to the jury as he had given it on the first night of the 
 new farce. Matthews obviously hesitated ; and the prince 
 said, ' Oh ! don't be afraid, Mr. Matthews ; we're all tiled 
 here. Come, pray oblige me : I'm longing to hear it ; 
 I am something of a mimic myself. My brother, here ' 
 (turning to the Duke of York) , ' can tell you that I give 
 a very fair imitation of Lord Eldon. With respect to 
 yours of Lord Ellenborough, it was not so well, when you 
 found it so taken up, to continue it in public ; and I am 
 very glad your own good taste and feeling prompted 
 you to refuse a repetition of it : but here you need have 
 no scruples.' There were about twenty present. Mr. 
 Matthews, of course, obeyed. The prince was in rap- 
 tures, and declared himself astonished at ihe closeness 
 of the imitation, shutting his eyes while he listened to it 
 with excessive enjoyment. ' It is the man himself ! ' he 
 
74 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 exclaimed. The Duke of York approved in peals of 
 laughter. The clever mimic returned home delighted 
 with his intoxicating reception, and the prince's object 
 was gained." 
 
 One other passage from this play is worth quoting. 
 Flexible, being asked if he can prove black is white, 
 becomes enraged. " Shall a timber-merchant dare con- 
 tend with me on points of law? Traduce its professors, 
 asperse, blacken, detract, defame, contemn, injure, insult, 
 hurt, wrong, annoy, calumniate, and heap them with con- 
 tumely? Provoke wrath, generate choler, and kindle 
 contention? Sir, are you acquainted with statute and 
 common law ? Do you know predicaments, praemunires, 
 and precedents, nolle prosequis, fi. fas., and fieri facias, 
 with all the horrible dangers of scandalum magnatum ? 
 Any one of which, much more their united conglomera- 
 tion, might sink you and your whole property, trade, 
 credit, friends, family, and connections, in one vast, 
 tremendous, irresistible, and uncontractible ruin ! " 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 75 
 
 II. 
 
 AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 
 
 CERVANTES. 
 
 Right here is a good place to skip over to the island 
 of Barataria, and speak of that wise governor, Sancho 
 Panza, who made a very judicious decision on a criminal 
 complaint, which will always stand as a model for succeed- 
 ing judges. A woman haled a man before the governor, 
 complaining that he had ravished her. She told the usual 
 story, — unexpected attack, unavailing resistance, and final 
 triumph of superior force. The defence was, that the 
 complainant consented. There were no other witnesses. 
 Under modem administration, where women have no 
 rights, the defendant would have been mulcted and 
 imprisoned in short order. But Sancho was not of the 
 nineteenth century. He asked the man if he had any 
 money about him, and being answered that he had 
 twenty silver pieces, commanded him to give them to the 
 woman, and ordered the latter to leave the court. She 
 went, with thanks to this " second Daniel." Then Sancho 
 directed the man to pursue her, and take away the money 
 from her. He went ; and both soon returned into the gov- 
 ernor's presence, the woman clamoring for fresh justice 
 against the man for attempted robbery. "What, then," 
 asked the governor, "did he take the money from you?" 
 
76 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 The woman replied that she was no such baby as to allow 
 him to succeed ; and the man confessed that he could 
 not, with all his strength, accomplish the governor's pur- 
 pose. Therefore the governor commanded the woman 
 to return the silver, and banished her the realm, under 
 pain of stripes, with the intimation that if she had been 
 as careful of her chastity as of her money, she would 
 never have lost it. The exquisite humor of this scene 
 can be appreciated only by reading the chapter : it is too 
 broad for quotation, without having first received the re- 
 visions of some such gentleman as Mr. Bowdler, who 
 edited an expurgated " Family Shakspeare.'' Peter Pindar 
 has imitated this scene ; but as is not unusual in imita- 
 tions, the humor is converted into deliberate vulgarity. 
 
 SMOLLETT. 
 
 One of the most entertaining legal characters in fiction 
 is Tom Clarke, the attorney, in " Sir Launcelot Greaves." 
 The character of a lawyer simply good would, of course, 
 be utterly uninteresting ; and so the author has contrived 
 to invest this character with interest by rendering him 
 ineffably tedious. He says of him at the outset, that his 
 " goodness of heart, even the exercise of his profession 
 had not been able to corrupt. Before strangers he never 
 owned himself an attorney without blushing, though he 
 had no reason to blush for his own practice. . . . He 
 piqued himself on understanding the practice of the 
 courts, and in private company he took pleasure in lay- 
 ing down the law ; but he was an indifferent orator, and 
 tediously circumstantial in his explanations." 
 
 Capt. Crowe narrates how his grandmother and his 
 maiden aunt, by the assistance of an attorney, " hove him 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 77 
 
 out of his inheritance." — "' Yes, indeed, sir!' added Mr. 
 Clarke, ' those two malicious old women docked the in- 
 tail, and left the estate to an alien.' Here Mr. Ferrett 
 thought proper to intermingle in the conversation with a 
 'Pish ! what, dost talk of docking the intail?- Dost not 
 know, that by the statute Westm., 2, 13 Ed., the will and 
 intention of the donor must be fulfilled, and the tenant 
 in tail shall not alien after issue had, or before ? ' — ' Give 
 me leave, sir,' replied Tom, ' I presume you are a prac- 
 titioner in the law. Now, you know, that in the case of a 
 contingent remainder, the intail may be destroyed by 
 levying a fine, and sufiFering a recovery ; or otherwise 
 destroying the particular estate, before the contingency 
 happens. \l feoffees, who possess an estate only during 
 the hfe of a son, where divers remainders are limited 
 over, make a feoffment in fee to him, by the feoffment all 
 the future remainders are destroyed. Indeed, a person 
 tn remainder may have a writ of intrusion, if any do 
 intrude after the death of a tenant for life ; and the writ 
 ex gravi querela lies to execute a devise in remaitider 
 after the death of a tenant in tail without issue.' — -'Spoke 
 like a true disciple of Geber,' cried Ferrett. ' No, sir,' 
 rephed Mr. Clarke : ' Counsellor Caper is in the convey- 
 ancing way — I was clerk to Serjeant Croaker.' — 'Ay, 
 now you may set up for yourself,' resumed the other ; ' for 
 you can prate as unintelligibly as the best of them.' — ■ 
 ' Perhaps,' said Tom, ' I do not make myself understood. 
 If so be as how that is the case, let us change the posi- 
 tion, and suppose that this here case is tail after possi- 
 bility of issue extinct. If a tenant in tail after a possibility 
 make a feoffment of his land, he in reversion may enter 
 for the forfeiture. Then we must make a distinction 
 
78 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 between genera/ tail and special tail. It is the word body 
 that makes the intail : there must be a bady in the tail, 
 devised to heirs, male or female ; otherwise it is a fee- 
 simple, because it is not limited of what body. Thus a 
 corporation cannot be seised in tail. For example, here 
 is a young woman — what is your name, my dear ? ' — 
 ' Dolly,' answered the daughter, with a courtesy. ' Here's 
 Dolly — I seise DoEy in tail — Dolly, I seise you in tail.' 
 — ' Sha'n't, then,' cried Dolly, pouting. ' I am seised of 
 land in fee — I settle on Dolly in tail.' " For the con- 
 tinuation of this discussion, see the original report. 
 
 At a later period, Ferrett observed that Greaves was a 
 common nuisance, and ought to be prosecuted on the 
 statute of barratry. " ' No, sir,' resumed Mr. Clarke, ' he 
 cannot be convicted of barratry unless he is always at 
 variance with some person or other, a mover of suits and 
 quarrels, who disturbs the peace under color of law. 
 Therefore he is in the indictment styled, communis male- 
 factor, calumniator, etseminator litium.' — ' Prythee truce 
 with thy definitions,' cried Ferrett, ' and make an end of 
 thy long-winded story. Thou hast no title to be so 
 tedious, until thou comest to have a coif in the court of 
 common pleas.' " 
 
 Tom also laid down the law of robbery. " ' Taking 
 away another man's movables,' said he, 'and personal 
 goods, against the will of the owner, is furtum and 
 felony according to the statute ; different, indeed, from 
 robbery, which implies putting in fear on the king's high- 
 way, in alta via regia violenter et felonice captum et as- 
 portatum, in magnum terrorum, etc. ; for if the robbery 
 be laid in the indictment as one in quadam via pedestri, 
 in a footpath, the offender will not be ousted of his 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 79 
 
 clergy. It must be in alia via regia ; and your Honor 
 will please to take notice that robberies committed on 
 the river Thames are adjudged as done in alta via regia, 
 for the king's high-stream is all the same as the king's 
 highway.' " 
 
 Capt. Crowe and Tom, suspected of being highway- 
 men, were set upon and beaten, their horses and money 
 were taken from them, and they were dragged before 
 a justice, who committed them for vagrancy. Tom 
 thus delivers himself on this complication : " ' As there 
 was no just cause of suspicion, I am of opinion the 
 justice is guilty of a trespass, and may be sued for 
 falsum imprisonamentum, and considerable damages 
 obtained ; for you will please to observe, sir, no justice 
 has a right to commit any person till after due examina- 
 tion : besides, we were not committed for an assault and 
 battery, audita querela, nor as wandering lunatics by the 
 statute, who, to be sure, may be apprehended by a jus- 
 tice's warrant, and locked up, and chained if necessary, 
 or be sent to their last legal settlement ; but we were com- 
 mitted as vagrants and suspected highwaymen. Now, we 
 do not fall under the description of vagrants, nor did any 
 circumstance appear to support the suspicion of robbery ; 
 for to constitute robbery, there must be something taken : 
 but here nothing was taken but blows, and they were upon 
 compulsion. Even an attempt to rob, without any taking, 
 is not felony, but a misdemeanor. To be sure, there is a 
 taking in deed, and a taking in law : but still the robber 
 must be in possession of a thing stolen ; and we attempted 
 to steal ourselves away.' " 
 
 Mr. Gobble, the justice, is also a great character. Sir 
 Launcelot being brought before him, he thus addresses 
 
8o LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 him: "'The laws of this land has provided — I says as 
 how provision is made by the laws of this here land, in 
 reverence to delinquems and manefactors, whereby the 
 king's peace is upholden by we magistrates, who repre- 
 sents his Majesty's person better than in e'er a contagious 
 nation under the sun ; but howsomever, that there king's 
 peace, and this here magistrate's authority, cannot be 
 adequably and identically upheld, if so be as how crimi- 
 nals escapes unpunished. Now, friend, you must be con- 
 fidentious in your own mind ; as you- are a notorious 
 criminal, who have trespassed again the law on divers 
 occasions and importunities : if I had a mind to exercise 
 the rigor of the law, according to the authority wherewith 
 I am wested, you and your companions in iniquity would 
 be sewerely punished by the statue ; but we magistrates 
 has a power to litigate the sewerity of justice,' " etc. 
 
 Mrs. Gobble, the justice's wife, pronounces the knight 
 " a vagram, and a dilatory sort of person," and says if she 
 was her husband, she would " ferk him with a primineery." 
 
 In the " Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom " is 
 an amusing account of a lawyer's bill, in which the count 
 found himself charged with three hundred and fifty attend- 
 ances. " He could not help expostulating with him on 
 this article, which seemed to be so falsely stated with re- 
 gard to the number; when his questions drew on an 
 explanation, by which he found he had incurred the pen- 
 alty of three shillings and fourpence for every time he 
 chanced to meet the conscientious attorney, either in the 
 park, the coffee-house, or the street, provided they had 
 exchanged the common salutation : and he had great 
 reason to believe the solicitor had often thrown himself 
 in his way, with a view to swell this item of his account." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 8 1 
 
 FIELDING. 
 
 In " Amelia," Fielding has some observations on the 
 British laws and their administration. He speaks of the 
 absurdity of appointing, as constables and watchmen, 
 decrepit old people, who from want of bodily strength are 
 incapable of getting a livelihood by work. " These men, 
 armed only with a pole, which some of them are scarce 
 able to lift, are to secure the persons and houses of his 
 Majesty's subjects from the attacks of gangs of young, 
 bold, stout, desperate, and well-armed villains. If the 
 poor old fellows should run away from such enemies, no 
 one, I think, can wonder, unless it be that they were able 
 to make their escape." He also makes the startling 
 statement, that he has " been sometimes inclined to think 
 that this office of a justice of the peace requires some 
 knowledge of the law, for this simple reason : because in 
 every case which comes before him, he is to judge and 
 act according to law. Again, as these laws are contained 
 in a great variety of books, — the statutes which relate to 
 the office of a justice of peace making of themselves 
 at least two large volumes in folio, and that part of his 
 jurisdiction which is founded on the common law being 
 dispersed in above' a hundred volumes, — I cannot con- 
 ceive how this knowledge should be acquired without 
 reading." He depicts the character of Justice Thrasher, 
 who " was never indifferent in a cause but when he could 
 get nothing on either side." To one who is accused of 
 assault and battery, he says, " Sirrah, your tongue betrays 
 your guilt. You are an Irishman, and that is always suffi- 
 cient evidence with me." True British justice that, even 
 to this day ! Justice Thrasher proposed to commit an 
 
82 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 accuser, who failed to make out his case, for perjury : but 
 his clerk dissuaded him, by suggesting that he could not 
 do it before indictment ; " because it is not against the 
 peace till the indictment makes it so." — " Why, that may 
 be ! " cries the justice : "and indeed, perjury is but scan- 
 dalous words ; and I know a man cannot have a warrant 
 for those unless you put for rioting them into the war- 
 rant.'' This refers to the state of the law by which abusive 
 words were not punishable by the magistrate, and to the 
 practice which had grown into vogue of construing a little 
 harmless scolding into a riot, and of committing scores 
 of old women to prison for the licentious use of their 
 tongues, which is the natural prerogative of their sex. 
 Fielding also animadverts with severity against the dis- 
 tinction then drawn between perjury and larceny ; the 
 former being a misdemeanor only, and therefore bailable, 
 and the latter a felony and non-bailable. He also refers 
 to the law of Charondas, the famous law-giver of Thumim, 
 by which men who married the second time were removed 
 from all public councils ; it being deemed unreasonable 
 "to suppose that he who was so great a fool in his own 
 family should be wise in pubhc affairs." He denounces 
 the injustice of the law which declares a larcenous breach 
 of trust to be no crime, unless it be committed by a ser- 
 vant, and then only in case the goods taken, amount in 
 value to forty shillings, and in this connection makes the 
 magistrate say, " Such are the laws, and such the method 
 of proceeding, that one would almost think our laws were 
 ipade rather for the protection of rogues than for the 
 punishment of them." He makes another magistrate 
 deny an application for a search-warrant to discover 
 stolen title-deeds, on the ground that they " savoured of 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 83 
 
 the realty, and it was not felony to steal them. If, 
 indeed, they were taken away in a box, then it would be 
 felony to steal the box." 
 
 In Joseph Andrews, the jealous Lady Booby, desiring 
 to prevent the marriage between Joseph and Fanny, and 
 get them out of the parish, desired Parson Adams to dis- 
 continue publishing the banns. The parson replied, that 
 Lawyer Scout informed him " that any person who serves 
 a year gains a settlement in the parish where he serves.'' 
 Thereupon the lady sent for Scout. " I am resolved," 
 said she, " to have no discarded servants of mine settled 
 here ; and so, if this be your law, I shall send to another 
 lawyer.'' Scout said, " If she sent to a hundred lawyers, 
 not one or aU of them could alter the law. The utmost 
 that was in the power of a lawyer, was to prevent the 
 law's taking effect ; and that he could do for her lady- 
 ship as well as any other. And I believe," says he, 
 "madam, your ladyship, not being conversant in these 
 matters, hath mistaken a difference ; for I asserted only, 
 that a man who served a year was settled. Now, there 
 is a material difference between being settled in law and 
 settled in fact ; and as I affirmed generally he was set- 
 tled, and law is preferable to fact, my settlement must 
 be understood in law and not in fact. And suppose, 
 madam, we admit he was settled in law, what use will 
 they make of it ? How. doth that relate to fact ? He is 
 not settled in fact ; and, if he be not settled in fact, he 
 is not an inhabitant ; and, if he is not an inhabitant, he is 
 not of this parish ; and then undoubtedly he ought not 
 to be published here I ... if we can prove in evidence 
 that he is not settled in fact, it is another matter. What 
 I said to Mr. Adams was on a supposition that he was 
 
84 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 settled in fact; and indeed, if that was the case, I 
 should doubt ... the subsequent marriage, co-operat- 
 ing with the law, will carry law into fact. When a man 
 is married, he is settled in fact ; and then he is not re- 
 movable. . . . The laws of this land are not so vulgar 
 to permit a mean fellow to contend with one of your 
 ladyship's fortune. We have one sure card, which is, to 
 carry him before Justice Frolick, who, upon hearing your 
 ladyship's name, will commit him without any further 
 questions. ... To say truth, it is a great blessing to the 
 country that he is in the commission ; for he hath taken 
 several poor off our hands that the law would never lay 
 hold on. I know some justices that make as much of 
 committing a man to Bridewell as his lordship at 'size 
 would of hanging him : but it would do a man good to 
 see his worship, our justice, commit a fellow to Bridewell, 
 he takes so much pleasure in it ; and when once we ha'un 
 there, we seldom hear any more o'un. He's either starved, 
 or eat up by vermin, in a month's time." ..." This Scout 
 was one of those fellows, who, without any knowledge of 
 the law, or being bred to it, take upon them, in defiance 
 of an Act of Parliament, to act as lawyers in the country, 
 and are called so. They are the pests of society, and a 
 scandal to a profession to which indeed they do not 
 belong, and which owes to such kind of rascallions the 
 ill-will which weak persons bear towards it." 
 
 STERNE. 
 
 In "Tristram Shandy" we find a learned argument on 
 the proposition "That the mother is not of kin to her 
 child." The adjudication to this effect in the Duke of 
 Suffolk's case, "cited in Brooke, taken notice of by 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 85 
 
 Coke, and found in Swinburne on Testaments," is thus 
 stated by Sterne : — 
 
 " In the reign of Edward the Sixth, Charles, Duke of 
 Suffolk, having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter 
 by another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised 
 goods to his son, and died ; after whose death the son 
 died also, but without will, without wife and without 
 child ; his mother and his sister by the father's side (for 
 she was born of the former venter) then living. The 
 mother took the administration of the son's goods, 
 according to the statute of the 21st of Harry the Eighth, 
 whereby it is enacted. That in case any person die in- 
 testate, the administration of his goods shall be com- 
 mitted to the next of kin. The administration being 
 thus (surreptitiously) granted to the mother, the sister 
 by the father's side commenced a suit before the eccle- 
 siastical judge, alleging, ist, that she herself was next of 
 kin ; and 2d, that the mother was not of kin at all to the 
 party deceased ; and therefore prayed the court that the 
 administration granted to the mother might be revoked, 
 and be committed unto her, as next of kin of the de- 
 ceased, by force of the said statute. Hereupon, as it 
 was a great cause, and much depending upon its issue, 
 and many causes of great property likely to be decided, 
 in times to come, by the precedent to be then made, the 
 most learned, as well in the laws of this realm as in the 
 civil law, were consulted together, whether the mother 
 was of kin to her son or no ? Whereunto, not only the 
 -temporal lawyers, but the church lawyers, the juriscon- 
 sulti, the jurisprudentes, the civilians, the advocates, the 
 commissaries, the judges of the consistory and preroga- 
 tive courts of Canterbury and York, with the master of 
 
86 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 the faculties, were all unanimously of opinion that the 
 mother was not of kin to her child." This sage decision 
 was based on the civil maxim, Libert sunt de sanguine 
 patris et matris, sed pater et mater non sunt de sanguine 
 liberorum. " ' Let the learned say what they will, there 
 must certainly,' quoth my uncle Toby, ' have been some 
 sort of consanguinity betwixt the Duchess of Suffolk and 
 her son.' — 'The vulgar are of the same opinion,' quoth 
 Lorick, 'to this hour.' " 
 
 I doubt the active participancy of the temporal law- 
 yers in this decision, and am inclined to give the entire 
 credit of it to those tribunals of which Clarendon wrote : 
 " I have never yet spoken with one clergyman, who hath 
 had the experience of both litigations, that hath not in- 
 genuously confessed he had rather, in the respect to the 
 trouble, charge, and satisfaction to his understanding, 
 have three suits depending in Westminster Hall than one 
 in the arches, or any ecclesiastical court." It would 
 probably be time wasted for the members of our profes- 
 sion to look for this case in the books ; as I suspect that 
 notwithstanding its vraisemblance, it had its origin in 
 Sterne's fantastic brain. 
 
 Sterne also, in "The Author's Preface," draws a pic- 
 ture representing an extraordinary state of things, in 
 which persons of the learned and cultivated professions 
 agree instead of disagreeing, and are directed by lauda- 
 ble, natural, and sensible motives instead of those selfish 
 and inconsistent ones that usually guide their conduct. 
 Thus he speaks of "fiddlers and painters, judging by. 
 their eyes and ears," and of physicians "feehng their 
 patients' pulse instead of their apothecary's." As to 
 lawyers he observes, — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 87 
 
 " In that spacious hall, a coalition of the gown, from 
 all the bars of it, driving a damn'd, dirty, vexatious 
 cause before them, with all their might and main, the 
 wrong way ! kicking it out of the great doors, instead of 
 in .' and with such fury in their looks, and such a degree 
 of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the 
 laws had been originally made for the peace and preser- 
 vation of mankind ; perhaps a more enormous mistake 
 committed by them still, a litigated point fairly hung up ; 
 for instance, whether John o' Nokes his nose could 
 stand in Tom o' Stiles his face, without a trespass, or not? 
 rashly determined by them in five and twenty minutes, 
 which, with the cautious pros and cons required in so 
 intricate a proceeding, might have taken up as many 
 months ; and if carried on upon a military plan, as your 
 Honors know an action should be, with all the stratagems 
 practicable therein, such as feints, forced marches, sur- 
 prises, ambuscades, mask-batteries, and a thousand other 
 strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all 
 advantages on both sides, might reasonably have lasted 
 them as many years, finding food and raiment aU that 
 term for a centumvirate of that profession." 
 
 SCOTT. 
 
 Of the administration of justice in Scotland, Walter 
 Scott, himself a lawyer, gives a most humorous picture 
 in " Redgauntlet." In this admirable novel the charac- 
 ter of the elder Fairford, a brisk, smart, pedantic, shrewd, 
 learned, fussy attorney, is drawn to the life. His son, 
 Allen Fairford, is designed for the bar ; and the old gen- 
 tleman finds an excellent opportunity to put him forward 
 in his debut. Peter Peebles, " an insane beggar, as poor 
 
88 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 as Job, and as mad as a March hare," has for fifteen 
 years had a suit against one Plainstanes, " et per contra." 
 To use his own words, " If he is laird of naething else, 
 he is dominus litis:' It is this suit, to which no parallel 
 was ever framed in fiction save the honored case of Jam- 
 dyce, which old Fairford tells his son he must be ready 
 to argue before the lords at three or four days' notice. 
 When his son fears that he should spoil any cause thrust 
 on him so hastily, the old man replies, " The chirurgeons 
 have a useful practice by which they put their apprentices 
 and tyrones to work upon senseless dead bodies, to 
 which, as they can do no good, so they can certainly do 
 as little harm. Ye cannot spoil it, Alan. As there have 
 been about ten or a dozen agents concerned, and each 
 took his own way, the case is come to that pass that 
 Stair or Armiston could not mend it : and I do not think 
 that even you, Alan, can do it much harm ; ye may get 
 credit by it, but can lose none." Peebles being a suitor 
 in forma pauperis, Dumtoustie, one of the poor's law- 
 yers, and nephew to one of the lords, had been assigned 
 to the conduct of the case; "but as soon as the hair- 
 brained goose saw the pokes" (process-bags), "he took 
 fright, called for his nag, lap on, and away to the country 
 is he gone." The lord, his uncle, being much mortified 
 at this defection, old Fairford offered his son Alan to 
 fill the gap, an offer eagerly embraced by the runaway's 
 uncle, and by the crack-brained client himself. The 
 account is contained in a letter from the young attorney 
 to his friend Darsie Latimer. "My father called to 
 James Wilkinson to bring in the two bits of pokes he 
 would find on his table. Exit James, and presently re- 
 enters, bending under the load of two huge leathern bags, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 89 
 
 full of papers to the brim, and labelled on the greasy 
 backs with the magic impress of the clerks of court, and 
 the title ' Peebles against Plainstanes.' This huge mass 
 was deposited on the table ; and my father, with no ordi- 
 nary glee in his countenance, began to draw out the vari- 
 ous bundles of papers, secured by none of your red tape 
 or whip-cord, but stout, substantial casts of tarred rope, 
 such as might have held small craft at their moorings." 
 The crazy client is then introduced upon the scene ; and 
 Alan continues, "Such insane paupers have sometimes 
 seemed to me to resemble wrecks Ipng upon the shoals" 
 on the Goodwin Sands, or in Yarmouth Roads, warning 
 other vessels to keep aloof from the banks on which they 
 have been lost ; or rather, such ruined clients are like 
 scarecrows and potato-bogles, distributed through the 
 courts to scare away fools from the scene of litigation." 
 Peter made the terrifying proposition to state the case 
 himself to Alan, but the old gentleman came to the res- 
 cue : " I am your agent for the time," resumed my father ; 
 " and you, who are acquainted with the forms, know that 
 the client states the cause to the agent — the agent to 
 the counsel." — "The counsel to the Lord Ordinary," 
 continued Peter, once set a-going, like the peal of an 
 alarm-clock, " the Ordinary to the Inner House, the 
 President to the bench. It is just like the rope to the 
 man, the man to the ox, the ox to the water, the water 
 to the fire." Old Fairford then goes on to explain the 
 causes to his son. Peter Peebles and Paul Plainstanes 
 had been partners, who having dissolved the partnership 
 by consent, their affairs at length came into court, and 
 " branched out into several distinct processes, most of 
 which have been conjoined by the Ordinary. There is 
 
90 LA IV AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 the original action of ' Peebles v. Plainstanes,' convening 
 him for payment of ;£3,ooo, less or more, as alleged bal- 
 ance due by Plainstanes. 2d, There is a counter-action, 
 in which Plainstanes is pursuer, and Peebles defender, for 
 ;£2,5oo, less or more, being balance alleged per contra 
 to be due by Peebles. 3d, Mr. Peebles's seventh agent 
 advised an action of compt and reckoning at his instance, 
 wherein what balance should prove due on either side 
 might be fairly struck and ascertained. 4th, To meet 
 the hypothetical case, that Peebles might be found liable 
 in a balance to Plainstanes, Mr. Wildgoose, Mr. Peebles's 
 eighth agent, recommended a multiplepoinding to bring 
 all parties concerned into the field." This last form of 
 action is highly approved by poor Peter, who declares it 
 "the safest remedium juris in the whole form of pro- 
 cess," and that he has " known it conjoined with a dec- 
 larator of marriage." Peter also confirms old Fairford's 
 statement of the case, but suggests that he has " omitted 
 to speak a word of the arrestments, or of the action of 
 suspension of the charge on the bill, or the advocation of 
 the sheriff-court process." There were also other actions 
 branching out of the main cause, such as when Peter 
 " compelled the villain Plainstanes to pull his nose within 
 two steps of King Charles' statue in the Parliament 
 Close.'' This however proved a " stumper." " Never 
 man could tell me how to. shape that process : no coun- 
 sel that ever selled wind could condescend and say 
 whether it were best to proceed by way of petition and 
 complaint, ad vindictam publicam, with consent of his 
 Majesty's advocate, or for action on the statute for bat- 
 tery pendente lite, whilk would be the winning my plea 
 at once, and so getting a back-door out of court." But 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 91 
 
 Peter's " pet process of all " was, when he had the good 
 luck to provoke his antagonist to pull his nose at the 
 very threshold of the court, — a grievous offence. One 
 counsel was for making it out hamesucken, the essence 
 of which is, to strike a man in his dwelling-place, on the 
 theory that the court was Peter's dwelling-place. 
 
 With the aid of his father, young Fairford succeeded 
 in understanding this complicated cause, and was in the 
 midst of a convincing argument in court when an un- 
 toward accident happened. His father, who was selecting 
 and giving to him, for the purpose of reading them to the 
 court, various letters from the correspondence of the par- 
 ties, by oversight handed him a letter relating to his friend 
 Darsie Latimer, which had arrived pending Alan's exami- 
 nation of the cause, and which his father had suppressed 
 for fear it might take Alan away from his duty. This let- 
 ter informed Alan that Darsie had got into a scrape down 
 the country ; and, on perusing it, Alan flung down his 
 brief, and rushed out of court, leaving his client in the 
 lurch, and himself liable to the imputation made upon 
 him with Dumtoustie by one of their lordships, of having 
 lost his wits. " In the mean while," says Scott, " although 
 the haze which surrounded the cause or causes of that 
 unfortunate litigant had been, for a time, dispelled by 
 Alan's eloquence, hke a fog by the thunder of artillery, 
 yet it seemed once more to settle down upon the mass 
 of litigation thick as the palpable darkness of Egypt, at 
 the very sound of Mr. Tough's voice, who, on the second 
 day after Alan's departure, was heard in answer to the 
 opening counsel. Deep-mouthed, long-breathed, and 
 pertinacious, taking a pinch of snuff betwixt every sen- 
 tence, which otherwise seemed interminable, the veteran 
 
92 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 pleader prosed over all the themes which had been 
 treated so luminously by Alan. He quietly and imper- 
 ceptibly replaced all the rubbish which the other had 
 cleared away, and succeeded in restoring the veil of 
 obscurity and unintelligibility which had for many years 
 darkened the case of Peebles against Plainstanes ; and 
 the matter was once more hung up by a remit to an 
 accountant, with instructions to report before answer." 
 The case went, as old Fairford said, "just like a decreet 
 in absence, and was lost for want of a contradictor." 
 
 Peter, true to his habit, served both Fairfords with a 
 petition and complaint for malversation in office. Not 
 content with this, he pursues Alan down the country; 
 and we next meet him in an amusing scene before Squire 
 Foxley and his clerk, Master Nicholas, — a scene which 
 perhaps furnished Dickens with the ideas of his Justice 
 Nupkins and Clerk Jinks in "Pickwick Papers," — in 
 which he inquires, "Is't here they sell the fugie war- 
 rants?" His purpose is, "to apprehend a young lawyer 
 that is in meditatione fugm" and whom he has " run ower 
 to the English side." In answer to the justice's inquiry 
 if he had robbed him, Peter replies, " He has robbed me 
 of himself — of his help, comfort, aid, and assistance ; 
 whilk, as a counsel to a client, he is bound to yield me, 
 raiione officii." The warrant is granted, and afterward 
 answers the purpose of mixing the plot up just as well 
 as if it had been legal ; for Alan is arrested on it, and 
 temporarily restrained of his liberty. 
 
 Any lawyer who has noted the importance that petty 
 litigants arrogate on account of their law-suits, will appre- 
 ciate the force of poor Peter's words : " It's very true 
 that it is grandeur upon earth to hear one's name thun- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 93 
 
 dered out along the long-arched roof of the Outer-H<5use, 
 — ' Poor Peter Peebles against Plainstanes et per contra ; ' 
 a' the best lawyers in the house fleeing like eagles to 
 their prey ; some because they are in the cause, and some 
 because they want to be thought engaged ; to see the 
 reporters mending their pens to take down the debate ; 
 the lords themselves pooin' in their chairs, like folk sitting 
 down to a gude dinner, and crying on the clerks for parts 
 and pendicles of the process. To see a' this, and to ken 
 that naithing will be said or dune among a' thae grand 
 folk, for maybe the feck of three hours, saving what con- 
 cerns you and your business, — O man ! nae wonder 
 that ye judge this to be earthly glory ! " To this he thinks 
 there are some offsets. " To see ane's warldly substance 
 capering in the air in a pair of weigh-banks, now up, 
 now down, as the breath of judge or counsel inclines it 
 for pursuer or defender," — this he deems a drawback. 
 
 The delays of the Scottish law are slyly satirized in a 
 speech of Mackitchinson, the host, to the Antiquary : " I 
 thought ye had some law affair of your ain to look after. 
 I have ane myself, — a ganging plea that my father left 
 me, and his father afore left to him. It's about our back- 
 yard ; ye '11 maybe hae heard of it in the Parliament 
 House, — Hutchinson against Mackitchinson : it's a weel 
 kenn'd plea, — it's been four times in afore the fifteen, 
 and deil onything the wisest o' them could make o't,' but 
 just to send it out again to the Outer-House. Oh, it's a 
 beautiful thing to see how lang and how carefully justice 
 is considered in this country ! " 
 
94 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 LEVER. 
 
 An amusing example of how ignorant of the forms 
 and substance of legal procedure a famous author can 
 afford to be, is furnished in Charles Lever's novel entitled 
 "The Daltons ; or, Three Roads in Life." He details the 
 fortunes of a family of the Irish gentry, whose decayed 
 condition compelled them to pass their lives in exile on 
 the Continent. The scene opens at Baden-Baden in the 
 decade from 1820 to 1830. Peter Dalton, the head of 
 this family of exiles, dies at Baden-Baden. His family 
 get an inkling that an accusation is to be set on foot in 
 Ireland against their deceased father, charging him with 
 having murdered a kinsman by the name of Godfrey 
 before leaving Ireland. The family hasten to Ireland to 
 make defence against the charge. On their arrival in 
 Ireland it turns out that an indictment against the dead 
 Dalton, for the murder of Godfrey, had been concocted 
 in a lawyer's office without the intervention of a grand 
 jury. All parties prepare for trial. The trial is held at 
 Kilkenny, so famous for its cat combat ; but that struggle 
 was nothing compared to the scene which is now depicted. 
 Meekins, the chief witness for the prosecution, is put on 
 the stand, and tells an awful story, but by a skilful cross- 
 examination, is made, not only to exculpate the deceased 
 accused, but to inculpate himself as the murderer, is 
 ordered by the judge into the dock on the spot : the trial 
 goes on against him, without intermission, under the same 
 indictment and before the same jury ; and he is convicted, 
 sentenced, and executed ! Now, as Squeers would say, 
 here's " richness.'' The author is as credulous as an old 
 woman as to the fearful effects of cross-examination. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 95 
 
 Hear him : " If they can involve him (the witness) in a 
 narrative, be it ever so slight or vague, these lawyers exer- 
 cise a kind of magic power in what is called cross-exami- 
 nation, and can detect a secret fact by tests as fine as 
 those by which the chemist discovers a grain of poison." 
 It would be exact chemistry indeed that could discover 
 a grain of sense in such writing as this. Truly, this is 
 not one of the Levers by which Archimedes promised to 
 move the world ; and yet it is from such books that nine- 
 tenths of the novel-reading world get their ideas of law 
 and its administration. 
 
 If any thing could atone for such blundering, it would 
 be the picture of Irish justice, as drawn in the same 
 novel ; Peter Dalton aforesaid, in his Hfetime, being the 
 artist : — 
 
 " Look at the shouts of laughing in the law-coorts ! At 
 any trial, — murder, if you like, — y see how the fun goes 
 on, — the judge quizzing the jury, and the counsel quiz- 
 zing the judge, and the pris'ner quizzing all three. There 
 was poor old Norbury — rest his soul ! — I remember 
 well how he couldn't put on the black cap for laughing. 
 Many's the time in Ireland, when, what between the blun- 
 derin' of the crown lawyers, the flaws of the indictment, 
 the conscientious scruples of the jury, — you know what 
 that means, — and the hurry of the judge to be away to 
 Harrowgate or Tunbridge, a villain gets off. But instead 
 of going out with an elegant, bran-new character, a bit of 
 joke — a droll word spoken during the trial — sticks to 
 him all his hfe after, till it would be just as well for him 
 to be hanged at once as be laughed at from Pill Lane to 
 the Lakes of Killamey. Don't I remember well when 
 one of the Regans — Tim, I think it was — was tried for 
 
96 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 murder at Tralee ! There was a something or other they 
 couldn't convict upon. 'Twas his grandmother's age was 
 put down wrong, or the color of his step-mother's hair ; 
 or the nails in his shoes wasn't described right ; whatever 
 it was, it was a flaw, as they called it ; and a flaw in a 
 brief, like one in a boiler, leaves everybody in hot water," 
 etc. 
 
 BULWER. 
 
 In a note to the edition of " Night and Morning," pub- 
 lished in 185 1, Lord Lytton says, "The work lays claim 
 to one kind of interest which I certainly never intended 
 to effect for it ; viz., in exemplifying the glorious uncer- 
 tainty of the Law. For humbly aware of the blunders 
 which novehsts, not belonging to the legal profession, are 
 apt to commit when they summon to the denoHmeni of 
 a plot the aid of a deity so mysterious as Themis, I sub- 
 mitted to an eminent ^wyer the whole case of ' Beaufort 
 versus Beaufort,' as it stands in this novel. And the 
 pages which refer to that suit were not only written from 
 the opinion annexed to the brief I sent in, but submitted 
 to the eye of my counsel, and revised by his pen. N. B. 
 — He was feed. Judge, then, my dismay, when I heard, 
 long afterward, that the late Mr. O'Connell disputed the 
 soundness of the law I had thus bought and paid for ! 
 ' Who shall decide when doctors disagree ? ' AH I can 
 say is, I took the best opinion that love or money could 
 get me ; and I should add, that my lawyer, unawed by 
 the alleged ipse dixit of the great Agitator (to be sure, 
 he is dead), still stoutly maintains his own views of the 
 question. I have however thought it prudent, so far to 
 meet the objection suggested by Mr. O'Connell, as to 
 make a slight alteration in this edition," etc. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 97 
 
 I have not had the curiosity to endeavor to discover 
 the alleged error : because the error, if any existed, was 
 the fault of our profession, and not that of the novehst ; 
 assuming the correctness of his lordship's statement. 
 It is to be feared, however, that his lordship was parsi- 
 monious in the matter of the fee ; or that being a sec- 
 ond-rate novelist, he naturally took to a lawyer of hke 
 rank. But I have cited his note to commend the good 
 sense of his example to all novel-writers who touch on 
 Law, and especially to such as Lever and Cooper. 
 
 THACKERAY, 
 
 in "Cox's Diary," one of his collection of minor sketches, 
 gives this picture of an irrepressible Irish barrister : " We 
 received a strange document from Higgs, in London, 
 which began, ' Middlesex, to wit : Samuel Cox, late of 
 Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in said county, 
 was attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat of a plea, where- 
 fore, with force and arms, he entered into one messuage, 
 with the appurtenances, which John Tuggeridge, Esq., 
 demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which 
 is not yet expired, and ejected him.' And it went on to 
 say that we, 'with force of arms, viz., with swords, 
 knives, and staves, ejected him.' Was there ever such a 
 monstrous falsehood? 
 
 "Higgs, Biggs, and Blatterwick had evidently been 
 bribed: for — would you believe it? — they told us to 
 give up possession at once ; as a will was found, and we 
 could not defend the action. 
 
 "Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say any 
 thing concerning it? What shall I say of the Lord Chief 
 Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed of the wig he 
 
98 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 sits in? What of Mr. and Mr. , who exerted 
 
 their eloquence against justice and the poor? On our 
 side, too, was no less a man than Mr. Sergeant Binks, 
 who, ashamed I am for the honor of the British bar to 
 say it, seemed to have been bribed too ; for he actually 
 threw up his case ! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, 
 his junior, — and to whom, in this humble way, I offer 
 my thanks, — all might have been well. I never knew 
 such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appear- 
 ing for the first time in that court, said, ' Standing here, 
 upon the pidestal of secred Thamis ; seeing around me 
 the amymints of a profission I rispict ; having before 
 me a vinerable jo,odge and an enlightened jury, — the 
 counthry's glory, the nation's cheap definder, the poor 
 man's priceless palladium, — how must I thrimble, my 
 lard, how must the blush bejew my cheek ' — (Some- 
 body cried out, ' O cheeks ! ' In the court there was a 
 dreadful roar of laughing ; and when order was estab- 
 lished, Mr. Mulligan continued) : ' My lard, I heed them 
 not : I come from a counthry accustomed to opprission ; 
 and as that counthry — yes, my lard, that Ireland — (do 
 not laugh: I am proud of it) — is ever, in spite of her 
 tyrants, green and lovely and beautiful, my client's cause, 
 likewise, will rise superior to the malignant imbecility — 
 I repeat, the malignant imbecility- — of those who would 
 thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my client's 
 name, in my, counthry's, — aye, and my own, — I, with 
 folded arrums, hurl a scamful and eternal defiance ! ' 
 
 " ' For Heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan ' — (' Mulugan, 
 me lard,' cried my defender.) 'Well, Mulligan, then, 
 be calm, and keep to your brief.' 
 
 " Mr. Mulligan did : and for three hours and a quarter, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 99 
 
 in a speech crammed with Latin quotations, and unsur- 
 passed for eloquence, he explained the situation of me 
 and my family ; the romantic manner in which Tugger- 
 idge, the elder, gained his fortune, and by which it after- 
 ward came to my wife ; the state of Ireland ; the original 
 and virtuous poverty of the Coxes — from which he 
 glanced passionately for a few minutes (until the judge 
 stopped him) to the poverty of his own country; my 
 excellence as a husband, father, landlord ; my wife's, as 
 a wife, mother, landlady. 
 
 " All was in vain : the trial went against us." 
 
 WARREN. 
 
 Probably the first law-book that the student gets hold 
 of is "Ten Thousand a Year," in which Mr. Samuel 
 Warren, an amiable and funny but rather mean-spirited 
 barrister, mixes up some bad law with a good deal of 
 toad)dsm and servility to "the upper classes." His firm 
 of rascally attorneys. Quirk, Gammon, & Snap, are famil- 
 iar and celebrated. In spite of the author. Oily Gam- 
 mon is a much more interesting character — I had almost 
 said a more respectable character — than his too saintly 
 hero. Unintentionally the author excites our sympathy 
 for him, just as Milton does for Satan. We need now 
 only point out the bad law ; leaving the book to be read, 
 as it certainly deserves to be, for its combination of clev- 
 erness and cringing. There is a great ejectment suit, 
 in which the hero's title depends on an ancient deed, in 
 which there was an apparent erasure, written over by the 
 same hand, but unnoted. The presiding judge refused 
 to admit the instrument in evidence. Now, this has not 
 been law in three hundred years, if it ever was. The 
 
lOO LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 instrument is always admitted ; and, if the erasure is 
 material, the jury are to pronounce whether it was made 
 before or after delivery. Some courts say, there is a pre- 
 sumption that an erasure was made before delivery, be- 
 cause the presumption is always against fraud ; others 
 that there is no presumption either way; but all agree 
 that the paper must be received for what it may be worth. 
 Those who are curious on this point may find it well 
 discussed in the recent case of Neil v. Case, 25 Kans. 
 510 ; S.C. 37 Am. Rep. 259 ; to which the editor of the 
 latter series has appended an exhaustive note. 
 
 COOPER. 
 
 This novelist has a good deal to say of the subject in 
 hand. He himself was in law pretty much all his life. 
 What with prosecuting editors, who criticised his later 
 and poorer novels ; and a standing fight with his neigh- 
 bors at Cooperstown, whom he accused of trespassing 
 on his manorial rights, — we may readily suppose he was 
 in a most unenviable state of mind. He was a man of 
 haughty manners, of unyielding temper, and of aristo- 
 cratic ideas. After all he wrote in praise of the Indian 
 character, one might expect him to side with the Antir 
 Rent movement ; but I am informed that he published 
 several novels against it. I believe he was generally suc- 
 cessful in his libel suits, for in his day the people of this 
 country were much more proud of a second-rate author 
 than of a first-rate editor : but he must at some time 
 have met with a rebuff; for, in " The Ways of the Hour," 
 we find a systematic and elaborate attack on the trial by 
 jury. The key-note is sounded in the preface. He here 
 announces the object of the book to be " to draw the 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. loi 
 
 attention of the reader to some of the social evils that 
 beset us, more particularly in connection with the ad- 
 ministration of criminal justice." As to jury trial he 
 says, " In our view, the institution itself, so admirable in 
 a monarchy, is totally unsuited to a democracy." He 
 refers to the prejudices of juries against railroad compa- 
 nies, and against the claims of non-resident creditors, 
 and to the influence of politics in the composition and 
 verdicts of juries. And he makes the startling announce- 
 ment, " It is certain that the juries are falling into dis- 
 repute throughout the length and breadth of the land." 
 
 In this book, written in 1850, we find plenty of sneers 
 at the newly adopted Code of Procedure, and at the sys- 
 tem of choosing judges by popular election ; although 
 the author discloses that he is as grossly ignorant of the 
 design and scope of the one as he must necessarily 
 have been of the practical results of the other. The 
 plot is as absurd as could be conceived. A young lady 
 is indicted for the murder of an aged married couple, 
 in whose family she, with another woman, a German, had 
 been an inmate. The house burns down : two human 
 skeletons are found in the ruins, bearing marks of vio- 
 lence on the head. A piece of money is found in the 
 possession of the accused corresponding to a peculiar 
 piece known to have been kept by the old people among 
 their hoard in a stocking. The old man and the Ger- 
 man woman were both missing, but the medical testi- 
 mony leaned to the theory that the skeletons were both 
 female. The accused is first put on trial for the murder 
 of the old man. With no more proof than the foregoing 
 of the corpus delicti, and no evidence on the part of the 
 defence to speak of, and in spite of a charge very favora- 
 
102 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 ble to the accused, the jury find the prisoner guilty. 
 She is sentenced to die, but just then the old man walks 
 into court ! Some discussion ensues as to what to do in 
 this juncture. One of the lawyers suggests an examina- 
 tion of the code ! But, leaving matters just as they are, 
 the prisoner, sentenced to die for the murder of an indi- 
 vidual alive and well in court, is put on trial for the 
 murder of the old wOman ! Out of this embarrassing 
 predicament the fair accused is delivered by her own 
 acuteness. She herself conducts the cross-examination 
 of the people's chief witness, a woman who identifies 
 the piece of money, and worrying her as only one 
 woman can worry another, makes the witness confess 
 that she stole the stocking-hoard, and put the peculiar 
 piece of money in the prisoner's purse, and that the 
 wounds on the skulls of the deceased were caused by a 
 ploughshare which fell on them. Of course the young 
 lady was acquitted ; and it was not deemed worth while 
 after this to put her on trial for the arson, of which she 
 also stood indicted. Mr. Cooper however does not 
 explain to us what was done with the sentence of death, 
 nor whether the code furnished any road out of the 
 difficulty. 
 
 One might be surprised that an author of Cooper's 
 calibre should seriously anticipate that such trivialities 
 as these could shake the system of trial by jury : but I 
 must do him the justice to say that he did not anticipate 
 any thing of the sort ; for he tells us in his preface, that 
 he " has not the vanity to suppose that any thing con- 
 tained in this book will produce a very serious impression 
 on the popularity of the jury : " but when in connection 
 with this subject, he informs us that he designs the book 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 103 
 
 " to cause a portion of his readers to reflect on the sub- 
 ject," I must confess that the most obvious reflection is, 
 that if juries were constituted and justice administered as 
 the author depicts them, it is no wonder that he procured 
 some verdicts in his favor in libel-suits. 
 
 DICKENS. 
 
 Presuming that this author's writings are familiar to 
 every lawyer, if not to every one else, I had not pur- 
 posed to make any quotations from them or criticisms 
 upon them. We are all, I take it, pretty familiar with 
 his legal characters, — Tulkinghorn and Vholes, Sampson . 
 Brass and his sister Sally, Justice Nupkins and his clerk 
 Jinks, Sergeant Buzfuzz, the promising young Mr. Phun- 
 key and the little judge, Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, and 
 the inexorable partner Jorkins. If he had done nothing 
 else in this way except to draw that wonderful scene in 
 "Our Mutual Friend," where Rogue Riderhood makes 
 his "Alfred Davy," he would have demonstrated his 
 acute knowledge of human nature and of the workings 
 of legal affairs. But a re-perusal of " Bleak House " has 
 induced me to devote a few moments to some reflections 
 upon this writer. It is commonly urged against Dickens 
 that he is a caricaturist. This cannot be denied. The 
 scenes of life, as he draws them, are colored by his 
 strong imagination and his deep sympathies. His intel- 
 lectual eyes seem to be what Sam Weller calls " a pair 
 of patent double million magnifying gas microscopes of 
 hextra power." His pictures of the theory and adminis- 
 tration of law are doubtless exaggerations, but they are 
 useful ones. In his preface to " Les Plaideurs," Racine 
 observes, "For my own part, I think Aristophanes was 
 
I04 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 right in carrying his ideas beyond the bounds of proba- 
 bility. The judges of the Areopagus perhaps would, not 
 easily have discovered that he had satirized their natural 
 avidity for gain, the clever tricks of their clerks, and the 
 tediousness of their advocates. It was proper to exagger- 
 ate these personages a httle, to enable them to recognize 
 themselves." And so it was proper for Dickens, in the 
 famous trial of "Bardell v. Pickwick," to exaggerate the 
 intellectual narrowness of the judge, the skill of advo- 
 cates in making mountains out of mole-hills, the badgering 
 of witnesses, the garrulity of women, and the stupidity of 
 jurors. But in that superb romance, " Bleak House," I 
 find little exaggeration. It would indeed be difficult, 
 even for Dickens, to exaggerate the wrongs growing out 
 of the chancery system, — that monstrous monument of 
 legal ingenuity, perversion, and oppression. When I 
 reflect upon it, I can think of but one grain of mitiga- 
 tion that our. profession can urge for themselves : it is a 
 system invented by the clergy, and thrust upon us. We 
 have the same excuse for tolerating it that the present 
 generation of slaveholders had for practising the crime 
 of slavery. Selden discovered the radical fault of the 
 chancery system two centuries ago. " Equity in law," 
 he says, " is the same that the spirit is in Religion, what 
 every one pleases to make it. Sometimes they go ac- 
 cording to Conscience, sometimes according to Law, 
 sometimes according to the Rule of Court. Equity is a 
 Roguish thing ; for Law we have a measure, know what 
 to trust to : Equity is according to the Conscience of 
 him that is Chancellor, and as that is larger or narrower, 
 so is Equity. 'Tis all one as if they should make the 
 standard for the measure we call a foot, a Chancellor's 
 
^S DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 105 
 
 foot : what an uncertain measure would this be ? One 
 Chancellor has a long Foot, another a short Foot, a third 
 an indifferent Foot. 'Tis the same thing in the Chancel- 
 lor's Conscience." He might have added, whatever else 
 it is, the chancellor's foot is always heavy. The propo- 
 sition substantially made to a recent legislature of New 
 York, to return to the distinction between law and equity 
 in this State, strikes me as would a proposal to Congress 
 to return to the system of involuntary servitude. 
 
 "Bleak House" is generally considered one of the 
 author's failures. To me it is his greatest success. The 
 story is too gloomy, perhaps, to appeal to the ordinary 
 novel-reading taste ; but for lawyers it possesses a terrible 
 interest. Believing that our profession are not so familiar 
 with it as they ought to be, let me make some quotations. 
 Is there much exaggeration in his picture of the court of 
 chancery and a chancery suit? 
 
 "On such an afternoon, if ever, the lord high chan- 
 cellor ought to be sitting here — as here he is — with a 
 foggy glory round his head, softly fenced in with crimson 
 cloth and curtains, addressed by a large advocate with 
 great whiskers, a little voice, and an interminable brief, 
 and outwardly directing his contemplation to the lantern 
 in the roof, where he can see nothing but fog. On such 
 an afternoon, some score of members of the high court 
 of chancery bar ought to be — as here they are — mistily 
 engaged in one of the ten thousand stages of an endless 
 cause, tripping one another up on slippery precedents, 
 groping knee-deep in technicalities, running their goat- 
 hair and horse-hair warded heads against walls of words, 
 and making a pretence of equity with serious faces, as play- 
 ers might. On such an afternoon the various solicitors 
 
io6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 in the cause, some two or three of whom have inherited it 
 from their fathers, who made a fortune by it, ought to be 
 — as are they not? — ranged in a line, in a long, matted 
 well (but you might look in vain for Truth at the bottom 
 of it) between the registrar's red table and the silk gowns, 
 with bills, cross-bills, answers, rejoinders, injunctions, 
 affidavits, issues, references to masters, masters' reports, 
 mountains of costly nonsense, piled before them. Well 
 may the court be dim, with wasting candles here and 
 there ; well may the fog hang heavy in it, as if it would 
 never get out ; well may the stained-glass windows lose 
 their color, and admit no light of day into the place ; well 
 may the uninitiated from the streets, who peep in through 
 the glass panes in the door, be deten-ed from entrance 
 by its owlish aspect, and by the drawl languidly echoing 
 to the roof from the padded dais where the lord high 
 chancellor looks into the lantern that has no light in it, 
 and where the attendant wigs are all stuck in a fog-bank ! 
 This is the court of chancery ; which has its decaying 
 houses and its blighted lands in every shire ; which has 
 its worn-out lunatic in every mad-house, and its dead in 
 every churchyard ; which has its ruined suitor, with his 
 slipshod heels and threadbare dress, borrowing and beg- 
 ging through the round of every man's acquaintance ; 
 which gives to moneyed might the means abundantly of 
 wearying out the right ; which so exhausts finances, pa- 
 tience, courage, hope ; so overthrows the brain and 
 breaks the heart, that there is not an honorable man 
 among its practitioners who would not give — who does 
 not often give — the warning, ' Suffer any wrong that can 
 be done you rather than come here ! ' 
 
 "Who happen to be in the lord chancellor's court 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 107 
 
 this murky afternoon besides the lord chancellor, the 
 counsel in the cause, two or three counsel who are never 
 in any cause, and the well of solicitors before mentioned ? 
 There is the registrar below the judge, in wig and gown ; 
 and there are two or three maces, or petty-bags, or privy- 
 purses, or whatever they may be, in legal court-suits. These 
 are all yawning ; for no crumb of amusement ever falls from 
 Jaendyce and Jarndyce (the cause in hand), which was 
 squeezed dry years upon years ago. The short-hand 
 writers, the reporters of the court, and the reporters of the 
 newspapers, invariably decamp with the rest of the regulars 
 when Jarndyce and Jarndyce comes on. Their places 
 are a blank. Standing on a seat at the side of the hall, 
 the better to peer into the curtained sanctuary, is a little 
 mad old woman in a squeezed bonnet, who is always in 
 court, from its sitting to its rising, and always expecting 
 soine incomprehensible judgment to be given in her 
 favor. Some say she really is, or was, a party to a suit ; 
 but no one knows for certain, because no one cares. She 
 carries some small litter in a reticule, which she calls her 
 documents ; principally consisting of paper matches and 
 dry lavender. A sallow prisoner has come up, in custody, 
 for the half-dozenth time, to make a personal application 
 ' to purge himself of his contempt ; ' which, being a soli- 
 tary surviving executor who has fallen into a state of 
 conglomeration about accounts of which it is not pre- 
 tended that he had ever any knowledge, he is not at all 
 likely ever to do. In the mean time his prospects in life 
 are ended. Another ruined suitor, who periodically 
 appears from Shropshire, and breaks out into efforts to 
 address the chancellor at the close of the day's business, 
 and who can by no means be made to understand that the 
 
io8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 chancellor is legally ignorant of his existence after making 
 it desolate for a quarter of a century, plants himself in a 
 good place, and keeps an eye on the judge, ready to call 
 out ' my lord ! ' in a voice of sonorous complaint, on the 
 instant of his rising. A few lawyers' clerks and others, who 
 know the suitor by sight, linger, on the chance of his fur- 
 nishing some fun, and enlivening the dismal weather a little. 
 " Jamdyce and Jarndyce drones on. This scare-crow 
 of a suit has, in course of time, become so complicated 
 that no man alive knows what it means. The parties to 
 it understand it least ; but it has been observed, that no 
 two chancery lawyers can talk about it for five minutes 
 without coming to a total disagreement as to all the 
 premises. Innumerable children have been bom into 
 the cause ; innumerable young people have married 
 into it; innumerable old people have died out of it. 
 Scores of persons have deliriously found themselves made 
 parties in Jarndyce and Jamdyce, without knowing how 
 or why : whole families have inherited legendary hatreds 
 with the suit. The little plaintiff or defendant, who was 
 promised a new rocking-horse when Jarndyce and Jam- 
 dyce should be settled, has grown up, possessed himself 
 of a real horse, and trotted away into the other world. 
 Fair wards of court have faded into mothers and grand- 
 mothers ; a long procession of chancellors has come in 
 and gone out ; the legion of bills in the suit have been 
 transformed into mere bills of mortality ; there are not 
 three Jarndyces left upon the earth, perhaps, since old 
 Tom Jarndyce in despair blew his brains out at a coffee- 
 house in Chancery Lane, — but Jarndyce and Jarndyce 
 still drags its weary length before the court, perennially 
 hopeless. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 109 
 
 " Jamdyce and Jarndyce has passed into a joke. That 
 is the only good that has ever come of it. It has been 
 death to many, but it is a joke in the profession. Every 
 master in chancery has had a reference out of it. Every 
 chancellor was ' in it,' for somebody or other, when he 
 was counsel at the bar. Good things have been said 
 about it by blue-nosed, bulbous-shoed old benchers, in 
 select port-wine committee after dinner in hall. Articled 
 clerks have been in the habit of fleshing their legal wit 
 upon it. The last lord chancellor handled it neatly, when, 
 correcting Mr. Blowers, the eminent silk gown, who said 
 that such a thing might happen when the sky rained 
 potatoes, he observed, ' or when we get through Jamdyce 
 and Jamdyce, Mr. Blowers,' — a pleasantry that particu- 
 larly tickled the maces, bags, and purses. 
 
 " How many people out of the suit Jarndyce and 
 Jamdyce has stretched forth its unwholesome hand to 
 spoil and corrupt, would be a very wide question. From 
 the master, upon whose impaling files reams of dusty war- 
 rants in Jamdyce and Jamdyce have grimly writhed into 
 many shapes ; down to the copying-clerk in the Six Clerks' 
 Office, who has copied his tens of thousands of chancery- 
 folio-pages under that etemal heading, — no man's nature 
 has been made better by it. In trickery, evasion, procras- 
 tination, spoliation, botheration, under false pretences of all 
 sorts, there are influences that can never come to good." 
 
 " Thus, in the midst of the mud and at the heart of 
 the fog, sits the lord high chancellor in his high court 
 of chancery." 
 
 " When we came to the court, there was the lord chan- 
 cellor — the same whom I had seen in his private room in 
 Lincoln's Inn — sitting in great state and gravity on the 
 
no LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 bench, with the mace and seals on a red table below 
 him, and an immense, flat nosegay, like a little garden, 
 which scented the whole court. Below the table, again, 
 was a long row of solicitors, with bundles of papers on 
 the matting at their feet ; and then there were the gen- 
 tlemen of the bar in wigs and gowns, — some awake and 
 some asleep, and one talking, and nobody paying much 
 attention to what he said. The lord chancellor leaned 
 back in his very easy chair, with his elbow on the cush- 
 ioned arm, and his forehead resting on his hand : some 
 of those who were present dozed ; some read the news- 
 papers ; some walked about, or whispered in groups : 
 all seemed perfectly at their ease, by no means in a 
 hurry, very unconcerned, and extremely comfortable. 
 
 "To see every thing going on so smoothly, and to 
 think of the roughness of the suitors' lives and deaths ; 
 to see all that full dress and ceremony, and to think of 
 the waste, and want, and beggared misery it represented ; 
 to consider, that while the sickness of hope deferred was 
 raging in so many hearts, this polite show went calmly on 
 from day to day, and year to year, in such good order 
 and composure ; to behold the lord chancellor, and the 
 whole array of practitioners under him, looking at one 
 another and at the spectators as if nobody had ever 
 heard that all over England the name in which they were 
 assembled was a bitter jest, was held in universal horror, 
 contempt, and indignation, was known for something so 
 flagrant and bad that little short of a miracle could bring 
 any good out of it to any one, — this was so curious and 
 self-contradictory to me, who had no experience of it, 
 that it was at first incredible ; and I could not compre- 
 hend it. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. iii 
 
 " When we had been there half an hour or so, the 
 case in progress — if I may use a phrase so ridiculous in 
 such a connection — seemed to die out of its own vapidity, 
 without coming, or being by anybody expected to come, 
 to any result. The lord chancellor then threw down a 
 bundle of papers from his desk to the gentlemen below 
 him, and somebody said ' Jarndyce and Jarndyce.' Upon 
 this there was a buzz and a laugh, and a general with- 
 drawal of the by-standers, and a bringing in of great 
 heaps and piles, and bags and bagsful, of papers. 
 
 " I think it came on ' for further directions,' — about 
 some bill of costs, to the best of my understanding, which 
 was confused enough. But I counted twenty-three gen- 
 tlemen in wigs, who said they were ' in it ; ' and none of 
 them appeared to understand it much better than I. 
 They chatted about it with the lord chancellor, and con- 
 tradicted and explained among themselves ; and some of 
 them said it was this way, and some of them said it was 
 that way ; and some of them jocosely proposed to read 
 huge volumes of affidavits ; and there was more buzzing 
 and laughing, and everybody concerned was in a state of 
 idle entertainment ; and nothing could be made of it by 
 anybody. After an hour or so of this, and a good many 
 speeches being begun and cut short, it was ' referred back 
 for th^ present ; ' and the papers were bundled up again, 
 before the clerks had finished bringing them in." 
 
 There does not seem to be much exaggeration in this 
 to any one who has charge of a suit a quarter of a century 
 old, as I have. Mine has outlasted one constitution of 
 our State, and the constitutions of half a dozen attorneys. 
 As there are a large number of defendants who are contin- 
 ually dying off, most of my efforts, since I came into the 
 
112 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 suit six years ago, have been devoted to dragging it out of 
 the grave. The action, is to enforce a legacy. My client 
 himself, who is only the administrator of the original 
 plaintiff, has outlived the Almighty's statute of limitations. 
 My own connection with the suit serves forcibly to remind 
 me of the frail tenure of human life, and the emptiness 
 of its pursuits. Now, in all this, there ought not to be 
 any thing to excite derision ; but a notice of trial, on my 
 part, is the signal for an immense amount of sceptical 
 merriment on the part of the defendants' attorneys. Some 
 of them even go so far as to assume an air of injury, as 
 if I were doing something unbecoming in pressing for a 
 decision. AH of them regard the litigation as a huge 
 joke. This, too, under our system, which makes no dis- 
 tinction between law and equity. The inquiry arises in 
 horribly gigantic proportions, What would become of 
 my client's rights in chancery? 
 
 Elsewhere, in the same book, Dickeins says, " The one 
 great principle of the English law is, to make business 
 for itself There is no other principle distinctly, certain- 
 ly, and consistently maintained through all its narrow 
 turnings. Viewed by this light, it becomes a coherent 
 scheme, and not the monstrous maze the laity are apt to 
 think it. Let them but once clearly perceive that its 
 grand principle is to make business for itself, at their 
 expense, and surely they will cease to grumble." 
 
 The argument that the abolition of the system would 
 entail disaster on the class of solicitors is thus set forth 
 and answered by our author : " The respectability of Mr. 
 Vlioles has even been cited with crushing effect before 
 parliamentary committees, as in the following blue min- 
 utes of a distinguished attorney's evidence : — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 113 
 
 " ' Question (number five hundred and seventeen thou- 
 sand eight hundred and sixty-nine). — ^If I understand 
 you, these forms of practice indisputably occasion delay? 
 
 " ' Answer. — Yes, some delay. 
 
 "^ Q. — And great expense ? 
 
 "'A. — Most assuredly they cannot be gone through 
 for nothing. 
 
 "' Q. — And unspeakable vexation ? 
 
 "'A. — I am not prepared to say that. They have 
 never given me any vexation, — quite the contrary. 
 
 "' Q. — But you think that their abolition would dam- 
 age a class of practitioners ? 
 
 "'A. — I have no doubt of it. 
 
 "' Q. — Can you instance any type of that class ? 
 
 "'A. — Yes: I would unhesitatingly mention Mr. 
 Vholes. He would be ruined. 
 
 " ' Q. — Mr. Vholes is considered, in the profession, a 
 respectable man? 
 
 " ' A. (which proved fatal to the inquiry for ten years) . 
 — Mr. Vholes is considered, in the profession, a most 
 respectable man.' 
 
 "So, in familiar conversation, private authorities, no 
 less disinterested, will remark that they don't know what 
 this age is coming to ; that we are plunging down preci- 
 pices ; that now here is something else gone ; that these 
 changes are death to people like Vholes, — a man of un- 
 doubted respectability, with a father in the Vale of Taun- 
 ton, and three daughters at home. Take a few steps 
 more in this direction, say they, and what is to become 
 of Vholes's father? Is he to perish? And of Vholes's 
 daughters ? Are they to be shirt-makers or governesses ? 
 As though Mr. Vholes and his relations being minor 
 
114 L^^ ^^O LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 cannibal chiefs, and it being proposed to abolish canni- 
 balism, indignant champions were to put the case thus : 
 Make man-eating unlawful, and you starve the Vholeses ! " 
 To my mind, there is no exaggeration in poor Miss 
 Flite, the crazy chancery suitor who caged canary-birds, 
 and called them the wards in chancery, naming them 
 Hope, Joy, Youth, Peace, Rest, Life, Dust, Ashes, Waste, 
 Want, Ruin, Despair, Madness, Death, Cunning, Folly, 
 Words, Wigs, Rags, Sheepskin, Plunder, Precedent, Jar- 
 gon, Gammon, and Spinach. To my mind, there is no 
 exaggeration in the story of the two wards in Jamdyce, 
 whose hapless destinies were united by marriage, and 
 whose earthly union was sundered by a broken heart on 
 the day when the legal lamp in the case of Jamdyce and 
 Jamdyce went out for want of pecuniary oil. To my 
 mind, there is no exaggeration in the scene in which our 
 author depicts the merriment and derision with which the 
 bar received the intelligence that Jamdyce and Jamdyce 
 was "over for good," and saw the papers carried out, — 
 " bundles in bags, bundles too large to be got into any 
 bags, immense masses of papers of all shapes and no 
 shapes, which the bearers staggered under, and threw 
 down for the time being, anyhow, on the hall pavement, 
 while they went back to bring out more.'' And so great 
 is the power of education, of precedent, and of habit, 
 that to my mind, there is no exaggeration in the absurd 
 pride with which Mr. Kenge refers to Jamdyce and Jam- 
 dyce as "a monument of chancery practice," and boasts 
 " that on the numerous difficulties, contingencies, mas- 
 terly fictions, and forms of procedure in this great cause, 
 there has been expended study, ability, eloquence, knowl- 
 edge, intellect," and that " the matured autumnal fraits 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 115 
 
 of the woolsack have been lavished upon Jarndyce and 
 Jarndyce." It is not unnatural for lawyers to feel in this 
 wayj who are brought up under a system in which their 
 incomes depend in a great measure upon the number of 
 words they can employ to express an idea, and in which 
 success is very essentially dependent on their skill and 
 adroitness in misleading their adversaries. Still less does 
 this work deserve the charge of exaggeration when we 
 read in the author's preface, that " at the present mo- 
 ment," 1853, "there is a suit before the court which was 
 commenced nearly twenty years ago, in which from thirty 
 to forty counsel have been known to appear at one time ; 
 in which costs have been incurred to the amount of 
 seventy thousand pounds ; which is a friendly suit, and 
 which is (I am assured) no nearer to its termination now 
 than when it was begun. There is another well-known 
 suit in chancery, not yet decided, which was commenced 
 before the close of the last century, and in which more 
 than double the amount of seventy thousand pounds has 
 been swallowed up in costs." And we may be sure Mr. 
 Dickens does not exaggerate when he assures us, in the 
 preface, that " every thing set forth in these pages, con- 
 cerning the court of chancery, is substantially true, and 
 within the truth." ^ 1 
 
 While, then, the trial scene in " Pickwick Papers " is a 
 piece of ingenious pleasantry, the prison scene in the 
 same work, and the whole of "Bleak House" and of 
 " Little Dorrit," are something better and more useful. 
 They are full of that broad and earnest humanity which 
 is the key-note and theme of all Mr. Dickens's works, 
 and which renders him the most engaging and influential 
 writer of English fiction since Shakspeare. 
 
Ii6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 But truth is better as well as stranger than fiction, and 
 the most potently useful words written upon law in this 
 century were those of the New- York Code of Procedure 
 of 1848: "It is expedient that the present forms of 
 actions and pleadings in cases at common law shall be 
 abolished, that the distinction between legal and equita- 
 ble remedies should no longer continue, and that an 
 uniform course of proceeding in all cases should be 
 established." 
 
 CHARLES READE, 
 
 in two of his later novels, " Very Hard Cash " and " Grif- 
 fith Gaunt," gives long reports of imaginary law-trials. I 
 believe that Mr. Reade has studied law, but he certainly 
 has not drunk deep enough at the legal spring to escape 
 blunders that would throw out a candidate for admission 
 to the bar. For example, in " Very Hard Cash," in an 
 action of false imprisonment, the issue being the insanity 
 of the plaintiff, he admits the dying declaration of the 
 plaintiffs sister to the effect that he was sane ! And in 
 " Griffith Gaunt " he admits evidence of a woman's un- 
 chastity on the question of her reputation for veracity ! 
 In the latter novel he severely satirizes what he calls the 
 "postponement swindle." In this he also makes his 
 heroine defend herself (successfully, of course) against 
 an accusation of murder. All this is conveyed with 
 great wit and power, and with a dramatic sense in which 
 the author surpasses aU his contemporaries. For the 
 action of false imprisonment which his hero brought 
 against the proprietor of the insane asylum, an approxi- 
 mate precedent may be found in real life, in Van Deusen 
 V. Newcomer, 40 Mich. 90, where the Michigan supreme 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE NOVELISTS. 117 
 
 court were equally divided on the question, whether the 
 superintendent of an insane asylum, in good faith confin- 
 ing a person at the instance of his friends, without pre- 
 vious judicial determination of his insanity, is liable to 
 such an action when it turns out that he was sane. 
 
 TROLLOPE. 
 
 If I were called on to designate the most brilliant 
 writer of fiction of the present century, I should hesitate ; 
 but if I were required to name the dullest, I could not 
 hesitate a moment in awarding this voluminous writer the 
 palm. " The Nation " once acutely said, " Flatness has 
 always been at once Mr. TroUope's forte and foible." 
 Trollope in fiction and Tupper in poetry, — to the mind, 
 an inseparable pair ! Mr. TroUope's exceeding goodness 
 does not make up for his dulness. " Orley Farm " illus- 
 trates his dealing with legal subjects. The great question 
 is one of fact as to the genuineness of a will of Sir 
 Joseph. The legatee was permitted to testify that her 
 father had once told her that he hoped Sir Joseph would 
 provide for her ; that she had always known the testator, 
 and did not think it unnatural he should provide for her, 
 etc. 
 
 But it is in his ethics that Mr. Trollope is strongest. 
 He severely blames Mr. Furnival, a barrister, for espous- 
 ing and advocating his clients' cause with zeal and ap- 
 parent confidence, when he "knew" she had forged the 
 will. By "knew" he simply means, suspected. "And 
 more than this," he adds, " stranger than this, worse 
 than this, when the legal world knew — as the legal 
 world soon did know — that all this had been so, the 
 legal world found no fault with Mr. Furnival, conceiving 
 
Il8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 that he had done his duty by his client in a manner be- 
 coming an English barrister and an English gentleman." 
 This is goody-goody ; and after reading such fine senti- 
 ments we are surprised, in reading his " Life of Cicero," to 
 note that he has nothing to say against his idol, Cicero, 
 who once, he says, "by the happiness of a bon mot, 
 brought the accused off safely, though he was manifestly 
 guilty," and who had the craft to suppress the passage in 
 the published editions of his speech. (Herein Cicero 
 shows his superiority to our modern congressman, who 
 never says any thing clever except in the " Record.") In 
 another part of the " Life of Cicero,'' Mr. Trollope says, 
 " When I look at the practice of our own times, I find 
 that thieves and rebels are defended by honorable advo- 
 cates, who do not scruple to take their briefs in opposition 
 to their own opinions." (Pray, what have "their own 
 opinions" to do with it?) It suited Cicero to do the 
 same. If I were detected in a plot for blowing up a 
 cabinet council, I do not doubt but that I should get the 
 late attorney-general to defend me." And why not? It 
 would go less against the grain to defend him for that 
 than for writing such poor, dull stuff, which not even his 
 excessive virtue can render tolerable. Cicero stands in 
 no need of apology on this score. But I am foolish to 
 get in a heat over Mr. TroUope. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 119 
 
 III. 
 
 AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ESSAY- 
 ISTS, HISTORIANS, AND SATIRISTS. 
 
 AMMIANUS MARCELLINUS, 
 
 In his Roman history, draws the following terrible picture 
 of the Roman lawyers, which evidently has so much of 
 exaggeration and fiction in its composition, that it be- 
 comes appropriate to quote it under our subject : — 
 
 " Of these the chief is that tribe of men who, sowing 
 every variety of strife and contest in thousands of actions, 
 wear out the doorposts of widows and the thresholds of 
 orphans, and create bitter hatred among friends, relations, 
 or connections who have any disagreement, if they can 
 only find the least pretext for a quarrel. And in these 
 men the progress of age does not cool their vices, as it 
 does those of others, but only hardens and strengthens 
 them. And amid all their plunder, they are insatiable 
 and yet poor, whetting the edge of their genius in order 
 by their crafty orations to catch the ear of the judges ; 
 though the very title of those magistrates is derived from 
 the name of justice. 
 
 " In the pertinacity of these men, rashness assumes 
 the disguise of freedom ; headlong audacity seeks to be 
 taken for constancy ; and an empty fluency of language 
 usurps the name of eloquence. 
 
1 20 LAW AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 "There is a second class of those men, who, professing 
 the science of the law, especially the interpretation of 
 conflicting and obsolete statutes, as if they had a bridle 
 placed in their mouths, keep a resolute silence, in which 
 they rather resemble their shadows than themselves. 
 These, like those men who cast nativities or interpret the 
 oracles of the sibyl, compose their countenances to a sort 
 of gravity, and then make money of their supine drowsi- 
 ness. And that they may appear to have a more pro- 
 found knowledge of the laws, they speak of Trebatius 
 and Cascellius and Alfenus, and of the laws of the 
 Aurunci and Sicani, which have long become obsolete, 
 and have been buried ages ago with the mother of Evan- 
 der. And if you should pretend to have deliberately 
 murdered your mother, they will promise you that there 
 are many cases recorded in abstrase works which will 
 secure your acquittal if you are rich enough to pay for it. 
 
 " There is a third class of these men, who, to arrive at 
 distinction in a turbulent profession, sharpen their merce- 
 nary mouths to mystify the truth, and by prostituting 
 their countenances and their vile barking, work their way 
 with the pubKc. These men, whenever the judge is 
 embarrassed and perplexed, entangle the matter before 
 him with further difficulties, and take pains to prevent 
 any arrangement, carefully involving every suit in knotty 
 subtleties. When these courts, however, go on rightly, 
 they are temples of equity : but when they are perverted, 
 they are hidden and treacherous pitfalls ; and if any per- 
 son falls into them, he will not escape till after many 
 years have elapsed, and till he himself has been sucked 
 dry to his very marrow. 
 
 " There is a fourth and last class, impudent, saucy, and 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 12 1 
 
 ignorant, consisting of those men who, having left school 
 too early, run about the corners of cities, giving more 
 time to farces than to the study of actions and defences, 
 wearing out the doors of the rich, and hunting for the 
 luxuries of banquets and rich food. And when they have 
 given themselves up to gains, and to the task of hunting 
 for money by every means, they incite men, on any small 
 pretence whatever, to go to law : and if they are per- 
 mitted to defend a cause, which but seldom happens, it is 
 not till they are before the judge, while the pleadings are 
 being recited, that they begin to inquire into the cause 
 of the client, or even into his name ; and then they so 
 overflow with a heap of unarranged phrases and circum- 
 locutions, that from the noise and jabber of the vile 
 medley, you would fancy you were hstening to Thersites. 
 But when it happens that they have no single allegation 
 they can estabhsh, they then resort to an unbridled license 
 of abuse, for which conduct they are continually brought 
 to trial themselves, and convicted when they have poured 
 ceaseless abuse upon people of honor ; and some of these 
 men are so ignorant that they do not appear ever to have 
 read any books. And if in a company of learned men 
 the name of any ancient author is ever mentioned, they 
 fancy it to be some foreign name of a fish or other eata- 
 ble. And if any stranger asks (we will say) for Marcia- 
 nus, as one with whom he is as yet unacquainted, they 
 all at once pretend that their name is Marcianus. Nor 
 do they pay the shghtest attention to what is right ; but 
 as if they had been sold to and become the property of 
 avarice, they know nothing but a boundless license in 
 asking. And if they catch any one in their toils, they 
 entangle him in a thousand meshes ; pretending sickness 
 
122 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 by way of protracting the consultations. And to produce 
 a useless recital of some well-known law, they prepare 
 seven costly methods of introducing it ; thus weaving 
 infinite complications and delays. And when at last 
 days and months and years have been passed in these 
 proceedings, and the parties to the suit are exhausted, 
 and the whole matter in dispute is worn out with age, 
 then th€se men, as if they were the very heads of their 
 profession, often introduce sham advocates along with 
 themselves. And when they have arrived within the bar, 
 and the fortune or safety of some one is at stake, and 
 they ought to labor to ward off the sword of the execu- 
 tioner from some innocent man, or calamity and ruin, 
 then, with wrinkled brows, and arms thrown about with 
 actor-like gestures, so that they want nothing but the 
 flute of Gracchus at their back, they keep silence for some 
 time on both sides ; and at last, after a scene of premed- 
 itated collusion, some plausible preamble is pronounced 
 by that one of them who is most confident in his power 
 of speaking, and who promises an oration which shall 
 rival the beauties of the oration for Cluentius or for Ctes- 
 iphon. And then, when all are eager for him to make an 
 end, he concludes his preamble with a statement that the 
 chief advocates have as yet only had three years since 
 the commencement of the suit to prepare themselves to 
 conduct it, and so obtains an adjournment, as if they had 
 to wrestle with the ancient Antxus, while still they reso- 
 lutely demand the pay due for their arduous labors. 
 
 "Finally, the profession of a lawyer, besides other 
 things, has in it this, which is most especially formidable 
 and serious (and this quality is almost innate in all liti- 
 gants), namely, that when, through one or other out of a 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 123 
 
 thousand accidents, they have lost their action, they 
 fancy that every thing which turned out wrong was owing 
 to the conduct of their counsel ; and they usually attribute 
 the loss of every suit to him, and are angry, not with the 
 weakness of their case or (as they often might be) with 
 the partiality of the judge, but only with their advocate." 
 
 RICHARD DE BURY, 
 
 who was under Edward III., Bishop of Durham and Lord 
 Chancellor of England, has a chapter in his " Philobi- 
 blon," a treatise on the love of books, entitled " Laws are, 
 properly speaking, neither Sciences nor Books." He 
 says, " Because the discipline of contraries is one and 
 the same, and the reasoning power is available to oppo- 
 sites, and at the same time human feelings are most 
 prone to mischief, it happens that the practitioners of 
 this faculty indulge more in protracting litigation than in 
 peace, and quote the law, not according to the intention 
 of the legislator, but violently twist his words to the pur- 
 pose of their own machinations." And further, that the 
 books of civil law " are nevertheless useful things, like the 
 scorpion in treacle," and that "the causes of laws are, for 
 the most part, not to be discussed." 
 
 His translator, IngUSj says, in a note on this chapter, 
 " It may be said generally, that the church and the law 
 were never on good terms ; because lawyers were often 
 obliged to defend themselves and others against the rapa- 
 city of the church : if they were also rapacious, the dis- 
 like between the parties would be the more confirmed. 
 The lawyers were perhaps too prudent to write much 
 against the church ; but the church did not spare them, 
 as may be seen in the legends and collections of miracles. 
 
124 L'^^ ^ND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 ' A lawyer had often sold his tongue when living : when 
 he opened his mouth to take his last gasp, it disappeared.' 
 It is to be hoped he had redeemed the rest of his body. 
 The following ditty was found in a breviary, apparently 
 of the thirteenth century, set to music so as to resemble 
 the hymns : — 
 
 " ' Venditores labiorum 
 Fleant advocati, 
 Qui plus student premiorum, 
 Dande quantitati, 
 Quam causae qualitati ; 
 Ad consulta prelatorum, 
 
 Multi sunt vocati, 
 Sed electi pauci quorum, 
 Adquiescat animorum, 
 Virtus equitati. 
 Parcunt veritati, 
 Stantes causis pro reorum. 
 Jus pervertunt decretorum, 
 Sanctas leges antiquorum ; 
 Nummus obligati, 
 Duplices probati, 
 Mala fovent perversorum, 
 
 Scelus operati, 
 Quod attentat occultorum, 
 Judex Christe non eorum 
 Parcat falsitati.' " 
 
 Which I have endeavored to translate, or rather imi- 
 tate,— 
 
 They shall weep, those labial vendors, 
 
 Lawyers, fraud enacting ; 
 Striving more for what law renders 
 By the suits' protracting, 
 Than the right exacting. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 125 
 
 So the church to consultation 
 
 Calls attorneys many ; 
 For, despite this wide vocation, 
 Moved by equity's inspiration, 
 
 She finds hardly any. 
 
 Destitute of verity, 
 Counting lawsuits their subsistence ; 
 Robbing laws of all consistence, — 
 Sacred laws of long existence ; 
 
 Bound by a retaining fee. 
 
 Steeped in vile duplicity. 
 Deeds of wicked men fomenting ; 
 
 Working deep iniquity 
 When they seem to right consenting. 
 Christ, the Judge, of their repenting 
 
 Will not spare the falsity. 
 
 The translator's remark about the hatred of the church 
 for lawyers reminds me that St. Ives, the advocate of the 
 poor, was maliciously said by the priests to be the patron, 
 but not the pattern, of the lawyers. Bercheure, too, in the 
 "Repertorium Morale," in speaking of the croaking of 
 frogs, compares them to lawyers : " Tales sunt causidici 
 et advocati quod vera isti sunt clamosi, quia clamando 
 litigant ad invicem." " Philobiblon " was edited and 
 published in an elegant form a few years ago by Judge 
 Samuel Hand, of Albany, formerly of the Court of 
 Appeals of this State, a gentleman whose position in the 
 profession is so assured, that he can afford to be thought 
 guilty of knowing something outside of law-calf 
 
 RABELAIS. 
 
 If I were called on to specify the author, who, while he 
 is conceded to rank among the most distinguished of all 
 
126 LAIV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 times, is also the least read, and when read, least under- 
 stood, I should unhesitatingly say Rabelais. And yet the 
 witty Frenchman is quite explicit and unequivocal on the 
 subject under present consideration. The procedure of 
 his Justice Bridlegoose is too amusing not to be quoted 
 in full : — 
 
 "For having well and exactly seen, surveyed, over- 
 looked, reviewed, recognized, read and read over again, 
 turned and tossed over, seriously perused and examined 
 the bills of complaint, accusations, impeachments, indict- 
 ments, warnings, citations, summonings, compositions, 
 appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, instruc- 
 tions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, 
 evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross-speeches, 
 contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, 
 instruments of the depositions of witnesses, rejoinders, 
 replies, confirmations of former assertions, duplies, triples, 
 answers to rejoinders, writings, deeds, reproaches, dis- 
 abling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation bills, re- 
 examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, 
 declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal mis- 
 sives, letters of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments 
 of compulsion, delineatories, anticipatories, evocations, 
 messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, dilatory pleas, 
 demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, returns, 
 confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and 
 other such like confects and spiceries, both at the one 
 and the other side, as a good judge ought to do, conform 
 to what hath been noted thereupon." 
 
 Here let us pause for breath, and to ask if there were 
 no codifiers in those days? 
 
 "That being done," continues Francis, "I posit on 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 127 
 
 the end of a table in my closet all the pokes and bags 
 of the defendant, and then allow unto him the hazard of 
 the dice, according to the usual manner of your other 
 worships. I thereafter lay down upon the other end of 
 the same table the bags and satchels of the plaintiff, as 
 your other worships are accustomed to do, just over 
 against one another. Then I do likeways semblably 
 throw the dice for him, and forthwith liver him his 
 chance. I give out sentence in his favor unto whom 
 hath befallen the best chance by dice, judiciary, tribu- 
 nian, pretorial, what comes first." 
 
 This learned and impartial judge being inquired of, 
 why then he did " not deliver up these fair throws and 
 chances the very same day and hour, without any further 
 procrastination or delay?" and "to what use can those 
 vreitings serve you, those papers and other procedures 
 contained in the bags and pokes of the law-suitors?" 
 makes answer, " They are behoofed unto me, and serve 
 my turn in three things very exquisite, requisite, and au- 
 thentic : first, for formality sake ; " secondly, " in lieu of 
 some other honest and healthful exercise ; " and thirdly, 
 " I defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit, surcease, 
 pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, 
 and shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to 
 the end that the suit or process, being well fanned and 
 winnowed, tossed and canvassed to and fro, narrowly, 
 precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and exam- 
 ined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and de- 
 bated, may by succession of time come at last to its full 
 ripeness and maturity. By means whereof, when the 
 fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the parties 
 cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will, with 
 
128 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 much greater patience, and more mildly and gently, en- 
 dure and bear up the disastrous load of their misfortune 
 than if they had been sentenced at their first arrival unto 
 the court." 
 
 Of one who settled a great many law-suits, he said, 
 " He was no judge at all, but a right honest man." 
 
 He also has a chapter in which he likens the forma- 
 tion of law-suits to the growth of a bear's cub, which, at 
 first shapeless and ugly, is licked into form by its dam. 
 At first they consist of only one or two writings ; " but 
 when there are heaps of these legiformal papers packed, 
 piled, laid up together, impoked, insatcheled, and put up 
 in bags, then it is with good reason we term that a suit." 
 
 "Process,'' he "says, "is purchase; viz., of good store 
 of money to the lawyers, and of many pokes — id est, 
 Prou Sacks — to the pleaders." 
 
 He was very severe on the judges, whom he called 
 " furred law-cats," and of whom he says they " are most 
 terrible and dreadful monsters that devour little children." 
 
 In his chapter on the " Apedepts," he satirizes certain 
 courts of judicature. Among the monsters in this island 
 was one which fed on Appeals, and another whose name 
 was Review. The island was colonized from Attorney- 
 land, and its inhabitants fed on parchment, ink-horns, 
 and pens. 
 
 In commenting on another law-suit, he says, " Here- 
 upon the magisters made a vow never to decrott them- 
 selves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or 
 clothes : Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never 
 to blow or snuff" their noses until judgment were given by 
 a definitive sentence. By these vows do they continue 
 unto this time both dirty and snotty ; for the court hath 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 129 
 
 not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as 
 yet. The judgment, or decree, shall be given out and 
 pronounced at the next Greek Calends — that is, never. 
 As you know that they do more than nature, and con- 
 trary to their own articles. The articles of Paris main- 
 tain that to God alone belongs infinity; and nature 
 produceth nothing that is immortal, for she putteth an 
 end. and period to all things by her engendered, accord- 
 ing to the saying. Omnia orfa cadunt. But these thick 
 mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before 
 them bpth infinite and immortal. In doing whereof 
 they have given occasion to, and verified, the saying of 
 Chilo the Lacedemonian, consecrated to the Oracle at 
 Delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of 
 law-suits ; and that suitors are miserable ; for sooner 
 shall they attain to the end of their lives, than to the 
 final decision of their pretended rights." 
 
 Against what other part soever of Rabelais' works 
 the charge of obscurity may be sustained, it certainly 
 cannot be brought against these animadversions on law- 
 yers. It also seems to me, that if we may judge by the 
 want of consistency in the decisions of some of the 
 highest legal tribunals in this land, the custom of dice- 
 throwing as a means of determining law-suits is by no 
 means obsolete. The only argument against this belief 
 is, that if the aleatory chance prevailed, their judgment 
 would occasionally be just. 
 
 This review of Rabelais also suggests the query, 
 whether the practice of Justice Bridlegoose may not 
 have given rise to the phrase, " cast in law," or " cast in 
 damages," — a problem for Mr. Richard Grant White, 
 Dean Trench, and the other word-hunters. 
 
130 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 MONTAIGNE 
 
 has less to say on the subject of our reading than might 
 be expected. He asks, " What can be more outrageous 
 than to see a nation where, by lawful custom, the ofiEice 
 of a judge is to be bought and sold, where judgments 
 are paid for with ready money, and where justice may 
 legally be denied to him that has not wherewithal to pay ; 
 where this merchandise is in so great repute, as in our 
 government, to furnish a fourth estate of wrangling law- 
 yers, to add to the three ancient ones of the church, 
 nobility, and people ; which fourth estate, having the 
 laws in their hands, and sovereign power over men's 
 lives and fortunes, make a body separate from the no- 
 bility?" He complains that "the very women and chil- 
 dren, nowadays, take upon them to school the oldest 
 and most experienced men about the ecclesiastical laws ; 
 whereas the iirst of those of Plato forbids them to in- 
 quire so much as into the reason of civil laws, which 
 were to stand instead of divine ordinances." He com- 
 plains, too, of the fluctuation of laws, particularly in 
 England, especially in regard to religion ; and of his own 
 country, he says, " I have known a thing that was capital 
 to become lawful." He says that King Ferdinand, send- 
 ing colonies to the Indies, "wisely provided that they 
 should not carry along with them any law-students, for 
 fear lest suits should get a footing in that new world ; as 
 being a science in its own nature the mother of altera- 
 tion and division ; judging with Plato, ' that lawyers and 
 physicians are the pests of a country.' " He very per- 
 tinently inquires, " Whence does it come to pass that our 
 common language, so easy for all other uses, becomes 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 131 
 
 obscure and unintelligible in wills and contracts? and 
 that he who so clearly expresses himself herein, whatever 
 he speaks or writes, cannot find in this any way of de- 
 claring himself that he does not fall into doubt and con- 
 tradiction? If it be not that the princes of this art, 
 applying themselves with a peculiar attention to invent 
 and cull out sounding words, and contrive artistical peri- 
 ods, have so weighed every syllable, and so thoroughly 
 sifted every sort of seam, that they are now confounded 
 and entangled in the infinity of figures, and so many 
 minute divisions, that they can no more fall into any rule 
 or prescription, nor any certain intelligence." He in- 
 sists that glosses and commentaries only serve to obscure 
 the text. " This is most apparent in the law ; we give 
 the authority of law to infinite doctors, infinite decisions, 
 and as many interpretations ; yet do we find any end of 
 the need of interpreting ? Is there, for all that, any prog- 
 ress or advancement toward peace? Do we stand in 
 need of any fewer advocates or judges than when this 
 great mass of law was yet in its first infancy? " On this 
 point he is at direct variance from Dr. Johnson, who, as 
 we have seen, believed, that as precedents multiplied, the 
 less would be the need of lawyers. It is interesting to 
 be told that Montaigne never had a suit. " No judge, 
 thank God, has ever yet spoken to me in the quality of a 
 judge." He is particularly savage on the French laws, 
 and I judge his remarks on this point to be quite appli- 
 cable to the bulk of our State legislation : " They " (the 
 laws) " are often made by fools ; more often by men 
 that, out of hatred to equality, fail in equity ; but always 
 by men who are vain and irresolute authors. There is 
 nothing so much, nor so grossly, nor so ordinarily faulty, 
 
132 -LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 as the laws. The command is so perplexed and incon- 
 stant, that it, in some sort, excuses both disobedience 
 and defect in the interpretation, the administration, and 
 the observation of it." I hope the makers of our late 
 proposed constitution will ponder this last sentence. His 
 chapter on "Sumptuary Laws" we commend to the New- 
 England Prohibitionists. This wise man winds it up with 
 this weighty sentence : " No laws are in their true credit, 
 but such to which God has given so long a continuance 
 that no one knows their beginning, or that there ever was 
 any other." 
 
 Of the multitude of laws he observes, "I am not 
 much pleased with his opinion who thought by the multi- 
 tude of laws to curb the authority of judges, in cutting 
 out for them their several parcels ; he was not aware that 
 there is as much liberty and latitude in the interpretation 
 of laws as in their form : and they but fool themselves 
 who think to lessen and stop our disputes by recalling to 
 us the express words of the Bible ; forasmuch as the 
 mind does not find the field less spacious wherein to con- 
 trovert the sense of another, than to deliver his own ; and 
 as if there were less animosity and tartness in commen- 
 tary than in invention. We see how much he was mis- 
 taken ; for we have more laws in France than all the rest 
 of the world put together, and more than would be ne- 
 cessary for the government of all the worlds of Epicurus : 
 ' Ut olim flagitiis, sic nunc legibus laboramus ; ' and yet 
 we have left so much to the decisions and opinions of 
 our judges, that there never was so full a liberty or so 
 full a license. What have our legislators gained by cull- 
 ing out a hundred thousand particular cases, and by 
 applying to these a hundred thousand laws? This num- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 133 
 
 ber holds no manner of proportion with the infinite 
 diversity of human actions ; the multiplication of our 
 inventions will never arrive at the variety of examples ; 
 add to these a hundred times as many more, it will still 
 not happen, that of events to come there shall one be 
 found that in this vast number of millions of events so 
 chosen and recorded, shall so tally with any other one, 
 and be so exactly coupled and matched with it, that there 
 will not remain some circumstance and diversity which 
 will require a diverse judgment. There is little relation 
 between our actions, which are in perpetual mutation, 
 and fixed and immutable laws ; the most to be desired 
 are the most rare, the most simple and general : and I 
 am even of opinion that we had better have none at all 
 than to have them in so prodigious number as we have. 
 Nature always gives them better and happier than those 
 we make ourselves ; witness the picture of the Golden 
 Age of the poets, and the state wherein we see nations 
 live who have no other : some there are who for their 
 only judge take the first passer-by who travels along their 
 mountains, to determine their cause ; and others, who, on 
 their market-day, choose out some one amongst them 
 on the spot to decide their controversies. What danger 
 would there be that the wisest among us should so deter- 
 mine ours, according to occurrences, and at sight, with- 
 out obligation of example and consequence ? " 
 
 Of the permanence of laws : " It is a very great doubt 
 whether any so manifest benefit can accrue from the 
 alteration of a law received, let it be what it will, as there 
 is danger and inconvenience in altering it.'' 
 
 Of the origin of laws : " Laws derive their authority 
 from possession and use; 'tis dangerous to trace them 
 
134 LAW AND LAWYERS JN LITERATURE. 
 
 back to their beginning ; they grow great, and ennoble 
 themselves, like our rivers by running : follow them up- 
 ward to their source ; 'tis but a little spring, scarce dis- 
 cernible, that swells thus, and fortifies itself by growing 
 old." 
 
 MORE 
 
 himself, in his youth, wrote a poem entitled "A Merry 
 Jest : how a Sergeant would learn to play the Friar." 
 He sets out by inculcating the idea that it is unsafe for a 
 man to go outside his pecuUar vocation, — " ne sutor 
 ultra crepidem" — and applies this to lawyers and mer- 
 chants : — 
 
 " A man of law 
 That never saw 
 The ways to buy and sell, 
 Weening to rise 
 By merchandise, 
 I pray God speed him well. 
 A merchant eke, 
 That will go seek, 
 By all the means he may, 
 To fall in suit 
 Till he dispute 
 His money clean away ; 
 Pleading the law 
 For every straw, 
 Shall prove a thrifty man. 
 With 'bate and strife, 
 But by my life 
 I cannot tell you whan." 
 
 The story is long and dull. In a word, the sergeant 
 disguised himself as a friar, in order to procure access to 
 a debtor in hiding, who feigned sickness, and, drawing 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 135 
 
 out his mace to enforce his process, was attacked by the 
 debtor and his wife and maid-servant, and thrown d5wn 
 stairs. 
 
 More did not tolerate lawyers in his " Utopia." " They 
 have no lawyers among them," he says, "for they con- 
 sider them as a sort of people whose profession it is to 
 disguise matters as well as to arrest laws ; and, therefore, 
 they think it is much better that every man should plead 
 his own cause and trust it to the judge, as well as in 
 other places the client does it to a counsellor. By this 
 means, they both cut off many delays, and find out truth 
 more certainly. For after the parties have laid open the 
 merits of their cause, without those artifices which law- 
 yers are apt to suggest, the judge examines the whole 
 matter, and supports the simplicity of such well-meaning 
 persons, whom otherwise crafty man would be apt to run 
 down. And thus they avoid those evils which appear 
 very remarkably among all those nations that labor under 
 a vast load of laws." 
 
 SIDNEY. 
 
 While our profession are popularly accused of bad 
 manners, it is gratifying to learn that Sir Philip Sidney, 
 that soul of honor and entire gentleman, held us in the 
 estimation indicated in the following extract from " An 
 Apologie for Poetrie : " — 
 
 " And for the Lawyer, though jFus bee the daughter 
 of Justice, and Justice the chiefe of Vertues, yet because 
 hee seeketh to make men good, rather Formidine pcsna, 
 than Virfutis amore, or to say righter, dooth not endeavor 
 to make men good, but that their evill hurt not others ; 
 having no care so hee be a good Cittizen, how bad a man 
 
136 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 he be. Therefore, as our wickednesse maketh him ne- 
 cessarie, and necessitie maketh him honorable, so is he 
 not in the deepest trueth to stande in rancke with these, 
 who all indeavour to take naughtines away, and plant 
 goodnesse even in the secretest cabinet of our souls? 
 And these foure are all that any way deale in that con- 
 sideration of men's manners, which beeing the Supreme 
 knowledge, they that best breed it deserve the best com- 
 mendation." 
 
 The other three of "these foure" are the poet, the 
 historian, and the philosopher. Pretty good company 
 for men of bad manners, truly ! Sir Philip farther on 
 discusses the nice point whether poets are blameworthy 
 for giving names to men they write of, and thus arguing 
 a conceit of an actual truth : " And doth the Lawyer lye 
 then," says he, "when under the names of jfohn a Stile 
 and John a Noakes hee puts his case ? " But poetry, 
 he acknowledges, may be abused, and so may law : 
 " Dooth not knowledge of Law, whose end is to even 
 and right all things, being abused, grow the crooked fos- 
 terer of horrible injuries ? " 
 
 COSIN. 
 
 The following " Lawyer's Creed " might be in danger 
 of being considered blasphemous if it had been written 
 by a layman; but as the work of Dr. John Cosin, a 
 prelate of the seventeenth century, I suppose it is entirely 
 orthodox : — 
 
 " Credo in dominum Judicem pro arbitrio statuentem ; 
 
 In Attornatum meum, omnium litium creatorem; 
 
 Et in duodecim vires in cassibus nostris nihil intelligentes. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 137 
 
 Credo Westmonasteriensem Aulam esse Ecclesiam Catho- 
 
 licam ; 
 Statua omnia, prohibitiones, decreta, et reportus, esse tradi- 
 
 tiones apostolicas ; 
 Sed omnes lites futuras esse asternas ; 
 Et nullam esse debitorum remissionem ; 
 Si plus velis, 
 Credo omnes academias et artes humaniores esse abolendas, 
 
 in secula seculorum, Amen.'' 
 
 As an oifset, I quote the following from an early vol- 
 ume of " The Gentleman's Magazine," — a fitting recep- 
 tacle for such enlightened sentiments : " The Portion of 
 a Just Lawyer. Whilst he lives, he is the Delight of the 
 Court, the Ornament of the Bar, a Pattern of Innocency, 
 the Glory of his Profession, a Terror to Deceit, the 
 Oracle of his Country. And when Death calls him to 
 the Bar of Heaven, by the De habendo corpus cum causa, 
 he finds the Judge his Advocate, nonsuits the Devil, and 
 continues one of the Long Robe in Glory." 
 
 BISHOP COLLYER, 
 
 in his moral essays, has the following dialogue : — 
 
 "Philotimus. Pray, what is your opinion of those law- 
 yers who appear in a foul cause ? 
 
 Philalethes. I think if they know it they misbehave 
 themselves, and have much to answer for. What can be 
 more unaccountable than to solicit against justice, and 
 lend the credit of our character to an ill business ? To 
 throw in dilatory pleas and false suggestions, to perplex 
 the argument or entangle the witness ? To make a mer- 
 cenary noise against right or reason ? To misapply pre- 
 cedents and statutes, and draw the laws into a conspiracy, 
 
138 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 to endeavor to surprise the judge and mislead the jury? 
 To employ learning and lungs and elocution to such 
 purposes as these, is to disgrace the bar, and mismanage 
 to a high degree. 
 
 Philot. Must the counsel start at every dark appear- 
 ance, and the client be dismissed at the first information? 
 that is hard : a cause which has an ill face at first, clears 
 up sometimes in the court, and brightens strangely upon 
 the proceedings. This observation prevailed with Sir 
 Matthew Hale to discharge his scruples, and practise with 
 more freedom. 
 
 Philal. I grant this reverend judge relaxed a little, 
 and gave his conscience more reason you mention. 
 When his business lay at the bar, he made no diflSculty 
 to venture through suspicion and dislike : he thought it 
 no fault to bring the matter to an issue, and try the 
 strength of either party. But when he once found it 
 work foul and shrink under the test, he would engage no 
 further, nor ever encourage the keeping on the dispute. 
 
 Philot. What then : must a man turn away his cHents 
 and baulk his profession ? 
 
 Philal. It is no part of a lawyer's profession to pro- 
 mote injustice, or help one man to that which belongs to 
 another. The laws are made to secure property, to put 
 an end to contests, and help those to right that suffer 
 wrong. They were never designed to entangle matters, 
 to perpetuate quarrels, to enrich any set of men at the 
 damage of the community. To engage in an ill cause, 
 when I am conscious it is so, is, in plain English, to en- 
 courage a litigious humor, to countenance a knave : it is 
 to do my best to disseize an honest man of his birthright, 
 and wrest his money or his land from him. If the privi- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 139 
 
 lege of practice, if the pretence of taking a fee, will justify 
 us in this liberty, why may not the consideration of money 
 bear us out in other remarkable instances ? Why may 
 we not be hired for any other mischief? Why may not a 
 physician take a fee of one man to poison another? " 
 
 BAXTER, 
 
 in his " Christian Directory," giving directions to lawyers 
 about their duty to God, says, " Be not counsellors or 
 advocates against God ; that is, against justice, truth, or 
 innocency. A bad cause would have no patrons if there 
 were no bad or ignorant lawyers. It is a dear-bought 
 fee which is got by sinning, especially by such a wilful, 
 aggravated sin as the deliberate pleading for iniquity, or 
 opposing of the truth. Whatever you say or do against 
 truth and innocency and justice, you do it against God 
 himself. And is it not a sad case, that among professing 
 Christians there is no cause so bad but can find an advo- 
 cate for a fee? I speak not against just counsel to a 
 man that has a bad cause (to tell him it is bad and per- 
 suade him to disown it) , nor do I speak against you for 
 pleading against excessive penalties or damages ; for so 
 far your cause is good, though the main cause of your 
 client was bad : but he that speaketh or counselleth 
 another for the defence of sin, or the wronging of the 
 innocent, or the defrauding another of his right, and will 
 open his mouth to the injury of the just, for a little 
 money, or for a friend, must try whether that money or 
 friend will save him from the vengeance of the Universal 
 Judge (unless faith and true repentance, which will cause 
 confession and restitution, do prevent it). To deal freely 
 
I40 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 with you counsellors, it is a matter that they who are 
 strangers to your profession can scarce put any fair con- 
 struction upon, that the worst cause, for a little money, 
 should find an advocate among you ! This driveth the 
 standers-by upon this harsh dilemma, — to think that 
 either your understandings or your consciences are very 
 bad. If, indeed, you so little know a good cause from a 
 bad, then it must needs tempt men to think you very 
 unskilled in your profession. But when almost every 
 cause, even the worst, that comes to the bar, shall have 
 some of you for it, and some against it ; and in the pal- 
 pablest causes you are some on one side and some on 
 the other, — the strange difference of your judgments doth 
 seem to betray your weakness. But if you know the 
 causes to be bad which you defend, and to be good which 
 you oppose, it more evidently betrays a deplorable con- 
 science. I speak not of your innocent or excusable mis- 
 takes in cases of great difficulty, nor yet of excusing a 
 cause bad in the main from unjust aggravations; but 
 when money will hire you to plead for injustice against 
 your own knowledge, and to use your will to defraud the 
 righteous, and spoil his cause, or vex him with delays for 
 the advantage of your unrighteous cUent, I would not 
 have your conscience for all your gains, nor your account 
 to make for all the world." 
 
 I must admit, it is to be feared that lawyers are too 
 much like other men, — no better than clergymen, for in- 
 stance, either in judgment or conscience. If there is any 
 efficacy in a particular creed, the vast majority of clergy- 
 men must be damned for not being wise enough to be- 
 lieve it ; and observation teaches us that they are subject 
 to pecuniary influences, for which I do not say they are 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 141 
 
 to be blamed. We live, not in a " Saints' Rest," but in a 
 sinful world ; and Baxter is not set to scold Matthew 
 Hale. 
 
 RICHE, 
 
 in "The Honestie of this Age, proving by good cir- 
 cumstance that the World was never Honest till now," 
 has the following : — 
 
 " Shall we yet make a steppe to Westminster Hall, 
 a little to ouer-look the lawyers? My skiU is vnable 
 to render due reuerence to the honorable judges accord- 
 ing to their worthinesse, but especially at this instant, as 
 the benches are nowe supplyed : neyther would I eclips 
 the honest reputation of a number of learned lawyers, 
 that are to be held in a reuerent regard, and that 
 are to be honoured and esteemed; yet amongst these 
 there be a number of others that doe multiplie sutes, and 
 drawe on quarrelles betweene friend and friend, betweene 
 brother and brother, and sometimes betweene the father 
 and Sonne ; and amongst these, although there bee some 
 that can make good shift to send their cKents home with 
 penilesse purses, yet there be other some againe, that at 
 the end of the tearme, doe complaine themselves that 
 their gettings have not bin enough to defray their ex- 
 pences, and doe therefore thinke that men are become to 
 be more wise in these dayes then they have beene in 
 former ages, and had rather put uppe a wrong then fee 
 a lawyer ; but I doe not thinke there is any such wise- 
 dome in this age, when there are so many wrangling spirits 
 that are ready to commence suites, but for a neighbour's 
 goose, that shall but happen to looke ouer a hedge : now 
 what conceipt I have in the matter I will partly make 
 manifest by this insuing circumstance : — 
 
142 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 "As the worthy gentlemen that haue beene Lords 
 Maiors of the honourable cittie of London have beene 
 generally renowned for their wisedome in gouemment, so 
 they have beene no lesse famed for their hospitality and 
 good housekeeping during the time of their Mairolties. 
 Amongst the rest, there was one who long sithens being 
 readie to set himselfe downe to his dinner with his com- 
 pany that were about him, there thronged in on the 
 sodaine a great company of strangers in that onreuerent 
 manner as had not formerly beene accustomed, where- 
 upon one of the officers, comming to the L. Maior, sayd 
 onto him, ' If it please your lordship, here be too few 
 stooles.' — ' Thou lyest, knave,' answered the Maior. 
 ' There are too many guests.' 
 
 " Now I am perswaded that if lawyers (indeed) haue 
 iust cause to complaine of their little gettings, it is not 
 for that there be too few suites, but because there be too 
 many lawyers, especially of these aturnies, soliciters, and 
 such other petty Foggers, whereof there be such abun- 
 dance that the one of them can hardly thrive by the 
 other; and this multitude of them doe trouble all the 
 partes of Englande. 
 
 " The profession of the Law I doe acknowledge to be 
 honorable, and (I thinke) the study of it should especially 
 belong to the better sort of gentlemen : but our Innes of 
 Court now (for the greater part) are stuffed with the of- 
 spring of farmers, and with all other sorts of tradesmen ; 
 and these, when they haue gotten some few scrappings of 
 the law, they do sow the seedes of suites, they doe set 
 men at variance, and doe seeke for nothing more then to 
 checke the course of iustice by their delatory pleas : for 
 the, better sort of the learned lawyers, I doe honour them. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 143 
 
 " Tliey say it is an argument of a licentious common- 
 wealth, where Phisitians and Lawyers have too great com- 
 minges in : but it is the surfeits of peace that bringeth in 
 the Phisitians gaine ; yet in him there is some dispatch of 
 businesse, for if he cannot speedily cure you he will yet 
 quickly kill you : but with the Lawyer there is no such 
 expedition ; he is all for delay ; and if his tongue be 
 not well typt with gold, he is so dull of language, that 
 you shall not heare a comfortable worde come out of his 
 mouth in a whole Michaelmasse Tearme : if you wiU un- 
 locke his lips, it must be done with a golden fee ; and 
 that perhaps may sette his tongue at libertie to speak 
 (sometimes) to as good a purpose as if he hadde still 
 beene mute." 
 
 He also compares the learned and liberal professions 
 together in " Riche his Farewell to Militarie Profes- 
 sion," and estimates the law thus : " To become a stu- 
 dent in the lawe, there are suche a number of theim 
 already that he thinkes it is not possible that one of 
 theim should honestly thrive by another ; and some will 
 saie that one lawyer and one goshauke were enough in 
 one shire. But of my conscience, there are more law- 
 yers in some one shire in Englande, with attomeis, solicit- 
 ours, or, as they are termed, brokers of causes, or pettie 
 foggers, than there are goshaukes in all Norwaie." 
 
 "JACKE OF DOVER, 
 
 His Quest of Inquirie, or his Privy Search for the Veriest 
 Foole in England," is the title of a scarce tract pub- 
 lished about 1600, in which I find this : " There was of 
 late (quoth another of the jurie) a ploughman and a 
 butcher dwelling in Lancaster, who for a trifling matter 
 
144 ^■^W AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 (like two fooles) went to law, and spent much money 
 therein, almost to both their undoings ; but at last, being 
 both consented to be tride by a lawyer dwelling in the same 
 town, each of them, in hope of a further favour, bestowed 
 gyftes upon him : the ploughman first of all presented 
 him a cupple of good fat hens, desiring Mr. Lawyer to 
 stand his good friend, and to remember his suite in law ; 
 the which he courteously tooke at his hands, saying, that 
 what favour he could show him, he should be sure of the 
 uttermost. But now when the butcher heard of the pre • 
 senting of these hens by the ploughman, he went and 
 presently killed a good fatte hogge, and in like manner, 
 presented it to the lawyer, as a bribe to draw him to his 
 side ; the which he also tooke very courteously, and 
 promised the like to him, as he did before to the other. 
 But so it feU out, that shortly after, the verdict passed on 
 the butcher's side; which, when the ploughman had 
 notice of, he came unto the lawyer, and asked him where- 
 fore his two hens were forgotten? ' Marry,' quoth he, 
 ' because there came in a fatte hogge and eate them up.' — 
 ' Now a vengeance take that hog,' quoth the ploughman, 
 ' that eate both my suite in law and hens together ! '" 
 
 BISHOP SHERLOCK, 
 
 in his " Trial of the Witnesses," submits to a jury the 
 Scripture account of the resurrection of Christ. The 
 arguments on both sides are given in the form of speeches 
 of counsel on the trial of an indictment for perjury. 
 The jury having deliberated, — 
 
 " yudge. What say you? Are the Apostles guilty 
 of giving false evidence in the case of the resurrection 
 of Jesus, or not guilty? 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 145 
 
 Foreman. Not guilty. 
 
 Judge. Very well ; and now, gentlemen, I resign my 
 commission, and am your humble servant. 
 
 " The company then rose up, and were beginning to 
 pay their compliments to the judge and the counsel, but 
 were interrupted by a gentleman who went up to the 
 judge, and offered him a fee. ' What is this ? ' says the 
 judge. 'A fee, sir,' said the gentleman. 'A fee to 
 a judge is a bribe,' said the judge. ' True, sir,' said the 
 gentleman ; ' but you have resigned your commission, 
 and will not be the first judge that has come from the 
 bench to the bar, without any diminution of honour. 
 Now, Lazarus's case is to come on next, and this fee 
 is to retain you on his side.' " 
 
 EARLE. 
 
 Another curious book is " Microcosmographie ; or, A 
 Peece of the World Discovered in Essayes and Charac- 
 ters," by Dr. John Earle, Bishop of Salisbury, first pubUshed 
 in 1628. Among the characters is " an attoihiey ; " — 
 
 " His antient beginning was a blue coat, since a livery, 
 and his hatching under a lawyer; whence, though but 
 pen-feathered, he hath now nested for himself, and with 
 his hoarded pence purchased an office. Two desks and 
 a quire of paper set him up, where he now sits in state 
 for all comers. We can call him no great author ; yet he 
 writes very much, and with the infamy of the court is 
 maintained in his libels. He has some smatch of a 
 scholar, and yet uses Latin very hardly, and lest it 
 should accuse him, cuts it off in the midst, and will not 
 let it speak out. He is, contrary to great men, main- 
 tained by his followers ; that is, his poor country clients. 
 
146 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 that worship him more than their landlord : and be they 
 never such churls, he looks for their courtesy. He first 
 racks them soundly himself, and then delivers them to 
 the lawyer for execution. His looks are very solicitous, 
 importing much haste and dispatch : he is never without 
 his hands full of business ; that is, — • of paper. His 
 skin becomes at last as dry as his parchment, and his 
 face as intricate as the most winding cause. He talks 
 statutes as fiercely as if he had mooted seven years in 
 the inns of court, when all his skill is stuck in his girdle, 
 or in his office-window. Strife and wrangling have made 
 him rich ; and he is thankful to his benefactor, and nour- 
 ishes it. If he live in a country village, he makes aU his 
 neighbors good subjects ; for there shall be nothing 
 done, but what there is law for. His business gives 
 him not leave to think of his conscience, and when the 
 time, or term of his life is going out ; for dooms-day he 
 is secure, for he hopes he has a trick to reverse judg- 
 ment." 
 
 RUGGLE, 
 
 the facetious author of "Ignoramus," has introduced 
 some macaronic burlesques on Law Latin in that amus- 
 ing play. Ignoramus himself thus recites how he will 
 endow his mistress Rosabella : — 
 
 " Si possem, vellem pro te, Rosa, ponere pellem ; 
 Quicquid tu vis, crava, at habebis singula brava ; 
 Et Aa.ho,fee simple, si monstras Lovers pretty dimple. 
 Gownos, silkcoatos, kirtellos, et petticoatos. 
 Farthingales biggos, stomacheros, et periwiggos, 
 Pantofflos, cuffos, garteros, Spanica ruffes, 
 Buskos et soccos, tiffanas, et Cambrica smockos, 
 Pimpillos, purses ; ad ludos ibis et ursos." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 147 
 
 I think it would be fitter to read canos for ursos, if the 
 husband were expected to pay for all this toggery. 
 
 In another scene, Ignoramus, perusing a legal docu- 
 ment, breaks out to his clerk with, " O, ho ! vide hie est 
 defaulta lit^fe ; emenda, emenda ; nam in nostra lege, 
 una comma evertit totum Placitum." Describing the 
 sway that Cupid has acquired over him, he says, " Pri- 
 mum cum amabam Rosabellam, nisi parvum, misit par- 
 vum Cape, turn magnum Cape, et post, alias Capias et 
 pluries Capias, et Capias infinitas ; et sic misit tot Capias, 
 ut tandem capavit me, ut legatum ex omni sensu et 
 ratione mea. Cum scribo instrumentum, si femina nomi- 
 natur, scribo Rosabellam ; pro Corpus cum causa, corpus 
 cum Cauda ; pro noverint universi, Amaverint universi ; 
 pro habere ad rectum, habere ad lectum ; et sic vasto 
 totum instrumentum." , 
 
 This play, written to ridicule the Latinized EngHsh 
 and other barbarisms of the Law, was enacted before 
 King James, who was observed to chuckle at it. Among 
 the actors were the gentlemen who were afterward known 
 as Lord HoUis, the Bishop of Peterborough, the Dean of 
 Canterbury, Earl Northampton, and Lake, Secretary of 
 State. The ridicule was deserved, but still great men 
 differ on the subject; for Blackstone says, "The truth is, 
 what is called Law Latin is really a mere technical lan- 
 guage, calculated for eternal duration, and easy to be 
 apprehended, both in present and future times, and on 
 those accounts best suited to preserve those memorials 
 which are intended for perpetual rules of action. The 
 rude Pyramids of Egypt have endured from the earliest 
 ages ; while the more modern and more elegant struc- 
 tures of Attica, Rome, and Palmyra have sunk beneath 
 the stroke of Time." 
 
148 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 TAYLOR. 
 
 In the works of John Taylor, the Water Poet, we find 
 a beggar's prayer for a lawyer : — 
 
 " May the terms be everlasting to thee, thou man of 
 tongues; and may contentions grow and multiply; may 
 actions beget actions, and cases engender cases as thick 
 as hops ; may every day of the year be a Shrove Tues- 
 day; let proclamations forbid fighting, to increase ac- 
 tions of battery; that thy cassock may be three-piled, 
 and the welts of thy gown may not grow threadbare ! " 
 
 PEPYS. 
 
 The diarist, good Mr. Pepys, records that he went " to 
 the office, where Mr. Prin come to meet about the Chest 
 business ; and till company come, did discourse with 
 me a good while in the garden about the laws of Eng- 
 land, telling me the main faults in them " (of course, that 
 took a good while) ; " and among others, their obscurity 
 of long statutes, which he is about to abstract out of 
 all of a sort ; and as he lives and parliaments come, get 
 them put into laws, and the other statutes repealed, and 
 then it will be a short work to know the law." What a 
 pity Mr. Prin couldn't have been immortal ! By a singu- 
 lar collocation, the only other topic touched upon in this 
 paragraph is the plague, which, he blesses God, "is 
 decreased sixteen this week." I suppose the Mr. Prin 
 referred to was William Prynne, who lost his ears on 
 account of some ungallant reflections on Queen Hen- 
 rietta Maria, in his screed against play-actors, entided 
 " Histrio-Mastix : " if this supposition is correct, and 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 149 
 
 Pepys correctly reports him above, he certainly could 
 well spare something from his ears. 
 
 THOMAS FULLER, 
 
 in his character of " The Good Advocate," says, — 
 
 " He not only hears but examines his client, and pinch- 
 eth the cause where he fears it is foundered. For many 
 cUents in telling their case rather plead than relate it, so 
 that the advocate hears not the true state of it till opened 
 by the adverse party." " If the matter be doubtful, he 
 will only warrant his own diligence. Yet some keep an 
 assurance office in their chamber, and wiU warrant any 
 cause brought unto them, as knowing, that if they fail, 
 they lose nothing but what long since was lost, — their 
 credit. He makes not a Trojan siege of a suit, but 
 seeks to bring it to a set battle in a speedy trial. Yet 
 sometimes suits are continued by their difficulty, the 
 potency and stomach of the parties, without any default 
 in the lawyer." "In trivial matters, he persuades his 
 client to sound a retreat, and make a composition. When 
 his name is up, his industry is not down ; thinking to 
 plead, not by his study, but his credit. Commonly, phy- 
 sicians, like beer, are best when they are old ; and law- 
 yers, hke bread, when they are young and new. But our 
 advocate grows not lazy." "He is more careful to de- 
 serve than greedy to take fees." "Yet shall he, besides 
 those two great felicities of common lawyers, that they 
 seldom die either without heirs, or making a will, find 
 God's blessing on his provisions and posterity." 
 
 These are the sentiments of a wise, just, and sensible 
 man. From his character of "The Good Judge" we 
 extract the.foUowing : — 
 
ISO LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " He harkens to the witnesses, though tedious." 
 " Many country people must be impertinent before 
 they can be pertinent, and cannot give evidence about a 
 hen, but first they must begin .with it in the egg. All 
 which our judge is contented to hearken to. He meets 
 not a testimony half-way, but stays till it come at him." 
 " If any shall brow-beat a pregnant witness on purpose 
 to make his proof miscarry, he checketh them, and helps 
 the witness that labors in his delivery. On the other 
 hand, he nips those lawyers, who, under a pretense of 
 kindness to lend a witness some words, give him new 
 matter, — yea, clean contrary to what he intended." 
 " His private affections are swallowed up in the common 
 cause as rivers lose their names in the ocean." 
 
 QUEVEDO, 
 
 a Spanish satirist of the first half of the seventeenth cen- 
 tury, was much given to " Visions," and in one of the 
 Day of Judgment has the following uncomfortable allu- 
 sion to lawyers : " I had to pity the eagerness with which 
 a great crowd of notaries and lawyers was rushing by, 
 flying from their own ears," — a long journey for some 
 of our profession, it must be confessed, — " in order to 
 escape hearing their own sentence : but none succeeded 
 in this, except those who, in this present world, had had 
 their ears cropped off as thieves ; but these, owing to the 
 neglect of justice, were by no means in the majority." 
 
 As an offset to this, I do not discover that Dante gives 
 us any place in his " Inferno.'' The nearest approach to 
 it is a reference in the argument preceding the twenty- 
 sixth canto, as translated by Wright, to "evil counselors." 
 But aside from the natural doubt whether that phrase 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 151 
 
 means lawyers, it does not seem to be supported by any 
 thing in the poem, — the reporter's syllabus is not borne 
 out by the decision. It is hardly worth while, on the 
 other hand, to examine whether the poet gives us a place 
 in Paradise : his age was not Christianized enough for 
 such a stretch of charity. 
 
 SELDEN. 
 
 The learned Selden, in "Table-Talk," has an interest- 
 ing section on law, in which the most striking observa- 
 tion is, " Ignorance of the law excuses no man ; not that 
 all men know the law, but because 'tis an excuse every 
 man will plead, and no man can tell how to confute him." 
 
 OWEN FELTHAM, 
 
 in his " Resolves," thus expresses his opinion : " Ques- 
 tionless there are of this profession (the law) that are the 
 light and wonder of the age. They have knowledge and 
 integrity ; and by being versed in books and men, in the 
 noble acts of justice and of prudence, they are fitter for 
 judgment and the regiment of the world than any men 
 else that live. And their honesty, truly weighed, is the 
 gallantest engine that they can use and thrive withal. A 
 faithful advocate can never sit without clients ; nor do I 
 believe that man could lose by it in the close that would 
 not take a cause he knew not honest. A goldsmith may 
 gain an estate as well as he that trades in every coarser 
 metal. An advocate is a limb of friendship, and farther 
 than the altar he is not bound to go. And it is observed 
 of as famous a lawyer as I think was then in the world, 
 the Roman Cicero, that he was slain by one he had 
 defended when accused for the murder of his father. 
 
152 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Certainly he that defends an injury is next to him that 
 commits it. And this is recorded, not only as an exam- 
 ple of ingratitude, but as a punishment for patronizing an 
 ill cause. In all pleadings, foul language, malice, imper- 
 tinence, and recriminations are ever to be avoided. The 
 cause, more than the man, is to be convinced. Over- 
 powering oratory is not ever to be practiced. Torrents 
 of words do often bear down even trophies of truth, 
 which does so fret and anger the party overborne, that 
 the resort is no more to paper and pleadings, but to pow- 
 der and steel." 
 
 PUCKLE. 
 
 Of James Puckle Uttle is known save that he wrote a 
 curious book, first published in 1711, entiried, "The 
 Club : in a Dialogue between Father and Son," with the 
 motto, in vino Veritas, in which various characters are 
 described, alphabetically, and with but one character to 
 each letter, by the son, who tells his father that he met 
 them at the club the night before, where they all got 
 drunk; whereupon the father moralizes. The letter L 
 affords an opportunity to describe a lawyer. The other 
 characters are Antiquary, Buffoon, Critic, Detractor, En- 
 vioso. Flatterer, Gamester, Hypocrite, Impertinent, Knave, 
 Moroso, Newsmonger, Opiniator, Projector, Quack, Rake, 
 Swearer, Traveler, Usurer, Wiseman, Xantippe, Youth, 
 Zany. So we are placed among what cannot, on the 
 whole, be called good company. The dialogue on Law- 
 yer is as follows : — 
 
 " Son. A wit of the law, that made it as much his 
 care and business to create feuds and animate differ- 
 ences as the Vestal Virgins used to maintain the sacred 
 fire, growing drunk, boasted himself an attorney. That 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 153 
 
 he had a knack of improving trifles and frivolous con- 
 tests into good, fat causes, as he called them. That he 
 could set man and wife at variance the first day of their 
 marriage, and parents and children the last moment of 
 their lives. That he seldom troubled his head with Coke 
 upon Littleton ; the law lay in a little compass ; trials 
 chiefly depended upon evidence, and let him alone to 
 deal with witnesses." 
 
 The father then tells the oyster-story, better told. by 
 Boileau, and continues, — 
 
 "Suppose it possible to fence against combination, 
 subornation, and false evidence ; can any be certain the 
 justice of his cause shall outweigh the subtilty of his ad- 
 versary's counsel? 
 
 " ' Will not fear, favor, bribe, and grudge, 
 The same cause several ways adjudge ? 
 Do not some juries give their verdict. 
 As if they felt the cause, not heard it ; 
 And witnesses, like watches, go 
 Just as they're set, too fast or slow .'' ' 
 
 " The rich man that attempts at his charge to make all 
 knaves honest will quickly see his error, or die a beggar ; 
 but the poor fool that rashly engages in a law-suit com- 
 mits himself to the house of correction, where he must 
 labor stoutly to pay his fees : in short, whoever flies to a 
 knavish lawyer for succour, as the sheep to the bushes in 
 a storm, must expect to leave a good part of his coat 
 behind him. Yet still it is the quacks in the law, like 
 those in physic, make the remedy worse than the disease. 
 According to the proverb, good right wants good assist- 
 ance J and seeing Great Britain affords so many lawyers, 
 whose learning and integrity render them the light and 
 
154 ^■^W AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 wonder of the age, he is doubly a fool, that, to defend 
 his right, applies himself to a scab." 
 
 The edition of Puckle's Club, from which I quote, is 
 charmingly illustrated with wood-cuts, after designs by 
 Thurston; and the passage cited is preceded by a 
 vignette exhibiting " a limb of the law bribing a wit- 
 
 ADDISON 
 
 has some pleasant reflections on law in No. 564 of "The 
 Spectator," introduced by this apposite quotation from 
 Horace : — 
 
 " Adsit 
 Regula, peccatis quse poenas irroget aequas, 
 Ne scutica dignum horribili sectere flagello." 
 
 Among other things he observes, "The very same 
 action may sometimes be so oddly circumstanced that it 
 is difficult to determine whether it ought to be rewarded 
 or punished. Those who compiled the laws of England 
 were so sensible of this that they have laid it down as 
 one of their first maxims, ' It is better suffering a mis- 
 chief than an inconvenience ; ' which is as much as to 
 say in other words, that since no law can take in or pro- 
 vide for all cases, it is better private men should have 
 some injustice done them than that a public grievance 
 should not be redressed. This is usually pleaded in de- 
 fense of all those hardships which fall on particular per- 
 sons in particular occasions, which could not be foreseen 
 when a law was made. To remedy this, however, as 
 much as possible, the court of chancery was erected, 
 which frequently mitigates and breaks the teeth of the 
 common law, in cases of men's properties ; while in 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 155 
 
 criminal cases there is a power of pardoning still lodged 
 in the crown." 
 
 This about the court of chancery in England sounds 
 like a grim joke. For " breaks the teeth " read " picks 
 the teeth," and one gets nearer the truth, for chancery- 
 does not demolish the common law's grinding power ; 
 but if any crumb or fragment of an estate or controversy 
 still sticks to the teeth of the common law, chancery 
 carefully cleans them out, and the suitor too. 
 
 ,Tliis paper concludes with the anecdote from Plutarch 
 of the Spartan youth, who, being in the bath when his 
 city was attacked, rushed out naked, and was greatly- in- 
 strumental in routing the enemy. For his gallantry he 
 was rewarded by the magistrates with a garland ; but 
 for going to battle unarmed, he was fined a thousand 
 drachmas. 
 
 In No. 577 is found "The humble petition of John a 
 Noakes and John a Styles. Showeth, that your petition- 
 ers have had causes depending in Westminster Hall 
 above five hundred yealrs, and that we despair of ever 
 seeing them brought to an issue ; that your petitioners 
 have not been involved in these law-suits out of any 
 litigious temper of their own, but by the instigation of 
 contentious persons ; that the young lawyers in our inns 
 of court are continually setting us together by the ears, 
 and think they do us no hurt because they plead for us 
 without a fee ; that many of the gentlemen of the robe 
 have no other clients besides us two ; that when they 
 have nothing else to do they make us plaintiffs and de- 
 fendants, though they were never retained by either of 
 us j that they traduce, condemn, or acquit us without any 
 regard to our reputations and good names in the world. 
 
IS6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Your petitioners, therefore, being thereunto encouraged 
 by the favorable reception which you gave to our Kins- 
 man Blank, do humbly pray that you will put an end to 
 the controversies which have been so long depending 
 between us your said petitioners, and that our enmity may 
 not endure from generation to generation ; it being our 
 resolution to live hereafter as becometh men of peaceable 
 dispositions.'' 
 
 The reference to " our Kinsman Blank " is explained 
 by reverting to No. 563, a letter of complaint written by 
 "Blank," the postscript of which is quite in point : — 
 
 " P. S. — I herewith send you a paper drawn up by a 
 country attorney, employed by two gentlemen, whose 
 names he was not acquainted with, and who did not 
 think fit to let him into the secret which they were trans- 
 acting. I heard him call it a ' blank instrument,' and 
 read it after the following manner. You may see by this 
 single instance of what use I am to the busy world : — 
 
 " I, T. Blank, Esquire, of Blank town, in the county 
 of Blank, do own myself indebted in the sum of Blank 
 to Goodman Blank, for the services he did me in pro- 
 curing me the goods following. Blank ; and I do hereby 
 promise the said Blank to pay unto him the said sum of 
 Blank, on the Blank day of the month of Blank next 
 ensuing, under the penalty and forfeiture of Blank." 
 
 In No. 372 (by Steele) is a communication from one 
 describing an evening passed at "a lawyers' club," the 
 tendency of which he complains is " to increase fraud 
 and deceit." He says, " Every one proposes the cause 
 he has then in hand to the board, upon which each mem- 
 ber gives his judgment according to the experience he 
 has met with. If it happens that any one put a case of 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 157 
 
 which they have had no precedent, it is noted down by 
 their clerk, Will Goosequill (who registers all their pro- 
 ceedings) , that one of them may go the next day with it 
 to a counsel. This, indeed, is commendable, and ought 
 to be the principal end of their meeting ; but had you 
 been there to have heard them relate their methods of 
 managing a cause, their manner of drawing out their 
 bills, and, in short, their arguments upon the several 
 ways of abusing their clients, with the applause that is 
 given to him who has done it most artfully, you w;ould 
 before now have given your remarks upon them." 
 
 In No. 21 Addison reflects "upon the three great 
 professions of divinity, law, and physic ; how they are, 
 each of them, overburdened with practitioners, and filled 
 with multitudes of ingenious gentlemen that starve one 
 another." 
 
 He pays his compliments to us as follows : " The body 
 of the law is no less encumbered with superfluous mem- 
 bers, that are like Virgil's army, which he tells us was so 
 crowded many of them had not room to use their weap- 
 ons. This prodigious society of men may be divided 
 into the litigious and peaceable. Under the first are 
 comprehended all those who are carried down in coach- 
 fuls to Westminster Hall every morning in term-time. 
 Martial's description of this species of lawyers is full of 
 humor : 'Iras et verba locant.' ' Men that hire out their 
 words and anger,' — that are more or less passionate ac- 
 cording as they are paid for it, and allow their client a 
 quantity of wrath proportionate to the fee which they 
 receive from him. I must, however, observe to the 
 reader, that above three parts of those whom I reckon 
 among the litigious are such as are only quarrelsome in 
 
IS8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 their hearts, and have no opportunity of showing their 
 passion at the bar. Nevertheless, as they do not know 
 what strifes may arise, they appear at the hall every day, 
 that they may show themselves in readiness to enter the 
 lists whenever there shall be occasion for them. The 
 peaceable lawyers are, in the first place, many of the 
 benchers of the several inns of court, who seem to be 
 the dignitaries of the law, and are endowed with those 
 qualifications of mind that accomplish a man rather for 
 a ruler than a pleader. These men live peaceably in 
 their habitations, eating once a day, and dancing once a 
 year, for the honor of their respective societies. An- 
 other numberless branch of peaceable lawyers are those 
 young men, who, being placed at the inns of court in 
 order to study the laws of their country, frequent the 
 playhouse more than Westminster Hall, and are seen in 
 all public assemblies except in a court of justice." 
 
 We might well take comfort to ourselves if we met 
 with no severer critic than the gentle Addison. 
 
 SWIFT. 
 
 Gulliver, in the "Voyage to the Houyhnhnms," gives 
 the following caustic account of law and lawyers : — 
 
 " There was a society of men among us, bred up from 
 their youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for 
 the purpose, that white is black, and black is white, ac- 
 cording as they are paid. To this society all the rest 
 of the people are slaves. For example, if my neighbor 
 has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove that he 
 ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire 
 another to defend my right, — it being against all rules 
 of law that any man should speak for himself. Now, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 159 
 
 in this case, I, who am the right owner, lie under two 
 great disadvantages : first, my lawyer, being practiced 
 almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is quite 
 out of his element when he would be an advocate for 
 justice, which is an unnatural office he always attempts 
 with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will. The second 
 disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great 
 caution, or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, 
 and abhorred by his brethren, as one who would lessen 
 the practice of the law. And therefore I have but two 
 methods to preserve my cow. The first is, to gain over 
 my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will then 
 betray his client by insinuating that he has justice on his 
 side. The second way is, for my lawyer to make my 
 cause appear as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to 
 belong to my adversary; and this, if it be skilfully 
 done, will certainly bespeak the favor of the bench. 
 Now, yovu" honor is to know that these judges are per- 
 sons appointed to decide all controversies of property, as 
 well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the 
 most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy, and 
 having been biased all their lives against truth and equity, 
 lie under such a fatal necessity of favoring fraud, per- 
 jury, and oppression, that I have known some of them 
 refuse a large bribe from the side where justice lay, rather 
 than injure the faculty by doing any thing unbecoming 
 their nature or their office. It is a maxim among these 
 lawyers, that whatever has been done before may legally 
 be done again ; and therefore they take special care to 
 record all the decisions formerly made against common 
 justice and the general reason of mankind. These, un- 
 der the name of precedents, they produce as authorities 
 
1 6o LAW AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 to justify the most iniquitous opinions ; and the judges 
 never fail of directing accordingly. In pleading, they 
 studiously avoid entering into the merits of the cause, 
 but are loud, violent, and tedious in dwelling upon all 
 circumstances which are not to the purpose. For in- 
 stance, in the case already mentioned, they never desire 
 to know what claim or title my adversary has to my 
 cow, but whether the said cow were red or black, her 
 horns long or short, whether the field I graze her in be 
 round or square, whether she was milked at home or 
 abroad, what diseases she is subject to, and the like ; 
 after which they consult precedents, adjourn the cause 
 from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years 
 come to an issue. It is likewise to be observed, that 
 this society has a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, 
 that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all 
 their laws are written, which they take special care to 
 multiply ; whereby they have confounded the very es- 
 sence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong : so 
 that it will take thirty years to decide whether the field 
 left me by my ancestors for six generations belongs to me, 
 or a stranger three hundred miles off. In the trial of 
 persons accused for crimes against the State, the method 
 is much more short and commendable : the judge first 
 sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after 
 which he can easily hang or save a criminal ; strictly pre- 
 serving all forms of law." 
 
 In the "Voyage to Brobdingnag," Swift makes the 
 king inquire as to courts of law : " Upon what I said in 
 relation to our courts of justice, his majesty desired to 
 be satisfied in several points ; and this I was the better 
 able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. l6l 
 
 suit in chancery, whicli was decreed for me with costs." 
 He asked " what time was usually spent in determining 
 between right and wrong, and what degree of expense ? 
 Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in 
 causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or op- 
 pressive? Whether party, in religion or politics, were 
 observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice? 
 Whether those pleading orators were persons educated in 
 the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, 
 national, and other local customs? Whether they or 
 their judges had any part in framing those laws which 
 they assumed the liberty of interpreting and glossing 
 upon at their pleasure? Whether they ever had, at 
 different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, 
 and cited precedents to prove contrary opinions? 
 Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation? 
 Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading, 
 or delivering their opinions? And particularly, whether 
 they were ever admitted as members in the lower sen- 
 ate?" 
 
 He also makes the king afterward say that he has 
 proved "that laws are best explained, interpreted, and 
 applied by those whose interest and abilities lie in per- 
 verting, confounding, and eluding them." 
 
 In speaking of the laws of that country, he says no 
 one of them " must exceed in words the number of let- 
 ters in their alphabet, which consist only of two and 
 twenty. But indeed few of them extend even to that 
 length. They are expressed in the most plain and simple 
 terms, wherein those people are not mercurial enough to 
 discover above one interpretation ; and to write a com- 
 ment upon any law is a capital crime." 
 
1 62 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In treating of the way in which they unravel plots in 
 Laputa, and of the concealed significance of sundry signs 
 and emblems in treasonable communications, he says a 
 broken reed stands for a court of justice. 
 
 It is supposed that Swift's hostility to lawyers was 
 owing to the vexatious prosecutions of the printers and 
 publishers of his " Drapier Letters." 
 
 BISHOP WARBURTON, 
 
 in speaking of the character of Cicero, in " The Divine 
 Legation of Moses," observes, " As an orator he was an 
 advocate for his client, or more properly, personated 
 him. Here, then, without question, fae was to feign and 
 dissemble his own opinions, and to speak those of his 
 client. And though some of those who call themselves 
 casuists have held it unlawful for an advocate to defend 
 what he thinks an ill cause, yet I apprehend it to be the 
 natural right of every member of society, whether accus- 
 ing or accused, to speak freely and fully for himself, and 
 if, either by a legal or natural incapacity, this cannot be 
 done in person, to have a proxy provided or allowed by 
 the state to do for him what he can not or may not do for 
 himself. I apprehend that all states have done it, and 
 that every advocate is such a proxy. Tully, therefore, 
 feigning or dissembKng his own opinions under this char- 
 acter, acted, I say, neither a weak nor an unfair part." 
 
 JOHNSON. 
 
 Sam Johnson had some good ideas about law as afiout 
 most other subjects. When the goose, Boswell, said to 
 him, that " a gay friend had advised him against being a 
 lawyer, because he would be excelled by plodding block- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 163 
 
 heads," the great man rephed, " Why, sir, in the formu- 
 lary and statutory part of law, a plodding blockhead may 
 excel; but in the ingenious and rational part of it, a 
 plodding blockhead can never excel." He called the 
 study of the law copious and generous. His opinions on 
 the morality of a lawyer's receiving fees, and acting for a 
 cause which he knows to be bad, are too familiar to our 
 profession to justify quoting them here, and were dictated 
 by the good sense of a true moralist. Johnson was 
 himself no mean lawyer, as is shown by his argument 
 furnished to Boswell on Vicious Intromission. His sup- 
 position, however, that with the increase of precedents, 
 the less occasion there would be for lawyers, is hardly 
 borne out by experience : on the contrary, the more 
 numerous the precedents, the greater seems the need of 
 a class of expert reasoners to explain and distinguish them. 
 Johnson says elsewhere, " To hiss a pleader at the bar 
 would perhaps be deemed illegal and punishable." 
 
 BURKE. 
 
 Burke attributed the untractable spirit of the American 
 colonists in a large measure to their general study of law. 
 In his speech on Conciliation with America, he says, — 
 
 " This study renders men acute, inquisitive, dexterous, 
 prompt in attack, ready in defence, full of resources. In 
 other countries, the people, more simple, and of a less 
 mercurial cast, judge of an ill principle in government, 
 only by an actual grievance : here they anticipate the evil, 
 and judge of the pressure of the grievance by the bad- 
 ness of the principle. They augur misgovernment at a 
 distance, and snuff the approach of tyranny in every 
 tainted breeze." 
 
l64 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 LADY DUFFERIN, 
 
 in a lively letter to Miss Berry, relating her experience in 
 recovering some stolen property, gives us some pleasant 
 views of the administration of criminal law. 
 
 "Altogether, my Old-Bailey recollections are of the 
 most pleasing and gratifying nature. It is true that I have 
 only got back three pairs and a half of stockings, one 
 gown, and two shawls ; but that is but a trifling considera- 
 tion in studying the glorious institutions of our country. 
 We were treated with the greatest respect and ham sand- 
 wiches, and two magistrates handed us to the carriage. 
 For my part, I could not think we were in the criminal 
 court, as the law was so uncommonly civil. . . . We 
 have gone through two examinations in court ; they were 
 very hurrying and agitating affairs : and I had to kiss either 
 the Bible or the magistrate, I don't recollect which ; but 
 it smelt of thumbs. ... I find that the idea of personal 
 property is a fascinating illusion ; for our goods belong, in 
 fact, to our country, and not to us ; and that the petti- 
 coats and stockings I have fondly imagined mine, are 
 really the petticoats of Great Britain and Ireland. I am 
 now and then indulged with a distant glimpse of my most 
 necessary garments in the hands of different pohcemen, 
 but in this stage of the proceedings, may do no more than 
 wistfully recognize them. Even on such occasions the 
 words of justice are, ' Policeman B, 25, produce your 
 gowns.' ' Letter A, 36, identify your lace.' ' Letter C, 
 tie up your stockings.' All this is harrowing to the feel- 
 ings, but one cannot have every thing in this life. We 
 have obtained justice, and can easily wait for a change 
 of linen." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 165 
 DE TOCQUEVILLE, 
 
 in " Democracy in America," makes some interesting 
 observations on lawyers in the United States, and a com- 
 parison between them and French advocates. He says, 
 " In visiting the Americans and stud)fing their laws, we 
 perceive that the authority they have intrusted to num- 
 bers of the legal profession, and the influence which 
 these individuals exercise in the government, is the most 
 powerful existing security against the excesses of democ- 
 racy." And again : " The more we reflect upon all that 
 occurs in the United States, the more shall we be per- 
 suaded that the lawyers, as a body, form the most power- 
 ful, if not the only, counterpoise to the democratic 
 element." This statement is singularly at variance with 
 Burke, who, as we have seen, attributes the birth and 
 growth of American independence and freedom in a 
 great measure to the influence of legal studies and pur- 
 suits among the people. Further : " The special infor- 
 mation which lawyers derive from their studies insures 
 them a separate rank in society, and they constitute a sort 
 of privileged body in the scale of intellect. This notion 
 of their superiority perpetually recurs to them in the 
 practice of their profession : they are the masters of a 
 science which is necessary, but which is not very gener- 
 ally known ; they serve as arbiters between the citizens, 
 and the habit of directing to their purpose the blind 
 passions of parties in litigation inspires them with a cer- 
 tain contempt for the judgment of the multitude." "The , 
 English and American lawyers investigate what has been 
 done ; the French advocate inquires what should have 
 been donej the former produce precedents, the latter 
 
l66 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 reasons. A French observer is surprised to hear how 
 often an English or American lawyer quotes the opin- 
 ion of others, and how little he alludes to his own ; while 
 the reverse occurs in France. There the most trifling 
 litigation is never conducted without the introduction of 
 an entire system of ideas peculiar to the counsel em- 
 ployed, and the fundamental principles of law are dis- 
 cussed in order to obtain a perch of land by the decision 
 of the court. This abnegation of his own opinion, and 
 this implicit deference to the opinion of his forefathers, 
 which are common to the English and American lawyer, 
 this servitude of thought which he is obliged to profess, 
 necessarily give him more timid habits and more conser- 
 vative inclinations in England and America than in 
 France." If our author were now alive he would recog- 
 Hize the need of adding a note to this text, to acknowl- 
 edge the change which years have wrought, in this country 
 at least. The maxim stare decisis has had its day ; and 
 now we are called on instead to stare at the decisions 
 of our highest courts, which alter the rule of law on any 
 given point every year. Nay, even from one term of 
 court to another, and that on the gravest constitutional 
 questions, before the highest legal tribunal of our land. 
 The " opinion of our forefathers " seems to have lost its 
 potency. Sheridan's father once counselled him to take 
 a wife: "Whose wife shall I take?" replied the witty 
 profligate. So now, if we look for a precedent, we may 
 well ask, considering their contrariety, which one shall we 
 stand by? Our law-books are subject to the reproach 
 which some infidels allege against the Bible, — you can 
 prove any doctrine by them. That De Tocqueville was 
 right to some extent in his idea that French lawyers are 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 167 
 
 • 
 
 less attentive to precedents than others, must be admitted. 
 Nothing can exceed the license, turbulence, and uncer- 
 tainty of French trials, even in these times. Witness 
 the celebrated trial of Prince Pierre Bonaparte for the 
 murder of Victor Noir. " The Nation " newspaper says 
 of it, " The examination or cross-examination of counsel 
 is unknown in France, that duty being reserved to the 
 court ; and dexterity in it is one of the qualifications of a 
 good judge. But the result is, that there are no rules of 
 evidence. Every thing that has the remotest connection 
 with the case is welcome, hearsay of all kinds included ; 
 and the witnesses mix up their opinions with their facts 
 somewhat in the style- of a parlor narrative, broken by 
 attempts on the part of the judge to trip the narrator up, 
 or point out the moral of what he is saying, or indicate 
 the course which virtue ordained under the circumstances 
 described. Considering that every pains was taken to 
 make the trial decorous and solemn, the report suggests 
 some amusing speculation as to what would have been 
 the nature of the proceedings had Rochefort's demand 
 in the chambers been complied with, and the prince been 
 ' tried by the people.' " 
 
 Our author also says, " In America there are no nobles 
 or literary men, and the people are apt to nSstrust the 
 wealthy : lawyers consequently form the highest political 
 class, and the most cultivated portion of society. They 
 have nothing to gain by innovation, which adds a conser- 
 vative interest to their natural taste for public order. If 
 I were asked where I place the American aristocracy, I 
 should reply, without hesitation, that it is not among the 
 rich, who are united by no common tie, but that it occu- 
 pies the judicial bench and bar." " The lawyers of the 
 
1 68 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 m 
 
 United States form a party which is but little feared and 
 scarcely perceived, which has no badge peculiar to itself, 
 which adapts itself with great flexibility to the exigencies 
 of the time, and accommodates itself without resistance 
 to all the movements of the social body. But this party 
 extends over the whole community, and penetrates into 
 all the classes which compose it : it acts upon the coun- 
 try imperceptibly, but finally fashions it to suit its own 
 purposes." Since De Tocqueville's day a great body of 
 literary men has sprung up in this country, and the mo- 
 nopoly of the legal profession over political offices is at 
 an end. There is now a great fourth estate, composed 
 of platform-lecturers, authors, and notably of editors, who 
 gather a large share of political honors. Within a few 
 years we have witnessed the novel spectacle of the second 
 of the most lucrative offices in the gift of the General 
 Government bestowed on a novelist, and a historian has 
 lately represented us at the court of St. James. The man 
 selected to go to England and defend the cause of our 
 government against the doctrine of secession, was chosen 
 more for his shining abilities as a platform-lecturer, than 
 even his elevated reputation as a clergyman. We con- 
 struct senators and governors, even, out of wholesale gro- 
 cers, shoemakers, and country general-store-keepers ; and 
 iron-founders and cotton-manufacturers sit in the lower 
 House of Congress. The day, then, is gone by for lawyers 
 to monopolize political preferment ; but they may still lead 
 and dictate the policy of our government, provided they 
 are counsellors and not pettifoggers. 
 
j4s depicted by the moralists, etc. 169 
 
 napoleon. 
 
 This great law-giver had some funny ideas about law- 
 yers and law-suits. The latter, he said, were " an abso- 
 lute leprosy, a social cancer. My code had singularly 
 diminished law-suits, by placing numerous causes within 
 the comprehension of every individual. But there still 
 remained much for the legislator to accomplish. Not 
 that I could hope to prevent men from quarrelling, — this 
 they have done in all ages ; but I might have prevented 
 a third party in society from living upon the quarrels of 
 the other two, and even stirring up disputes to promote 
 their own interest. It was therefore my intention to 
 establish the rule that lawyers should never receive fees 
 except when they gained causes. Thus what htigations 
 would have been prevented ! On the first examination 
 of a cause, a lawyer would have rejected it had it been 
 at all doubtful. There would have been no fear that a 
 man, living by his labor, would have undertaken to con- 
 duct a law-suit from mere motives of vanity ; and if he 
 had, he himself would have been the only sufferer in case 
 of failure." 
 
 These are despotic ideas, and go far to demonstrate 
 that lawyers flourish only under free institutions. It is 
 but a step from this to the despotism of Persia, under 
 which the emperor's physician is slain unless he cures the 
 sick emperor. Napoleon was wise to depress our profes- 
 sion, for if he had not done so we should doubtless have 
 deposed him. But he had not learned to distinguish 
 between simplifying the law, and degrading and hamper- 
 ing its administrators. His code did the former : the 
 latter was consistent with the arbitrary rule that muzzled 
 the press and interdicted free speech. 
 
170 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 LAMB. 
 
 The two most tenderly beloved names in English liter- 
 ature — Goldsmith and " the gentle EUa " — have dealt 
 mercifully with lawyers. One of the latter's most charm- 
 ing essays is "The Old Benchers of the Inner Temple." 
 It is difficult to believe that its characters are wholly ideal ; 
 but such is the truth, it is said, except that Samuel Salt 
 really lived, and so far from being a wolf among lambs, 
 was a benefactor to the Lamb family. The Old Bench- 
 ers, it must be remembered, were those who had the best 
 seats at table. Let us make a few extracts : — 
 
 " The terrace is indeed left which we used to call the 
 parade, but the traces are passed away of the footsteps 
 which made its pavement awful ! It has become common 
 and profane. The Old Benchers had it almost sacred to 
 themselves, in the fore-part of the day at least. They 
 might not be sided or jostled. Their air and dress as- 
 serted the parade. You left wide spaces betwixt you 
 when you passed them. We walk on even terms with 
 their successors. The roguish eye of J — 11, ever ready 
 to be delivered of a jest, almost invites a stranger to vie 
 a repartee with it. But what insolent familiar durst have 
 mated Thomas Coventry ? whose person was a quadrate, 
 his step massy and elephantine, his face square as the 
 lion's, his gait peremptory and path-keeping, indivertible 
 from his way as a moving column, the scarecrow of his 
 inferiors, the brow-beater of equals and superiors, who 
 made a solitude of children wherever he came, for they 
 fled his insufferable presence as they would have shunned 
 an Ehsha bear. His growl was as thunder in their ears, 
 whether he spake to them in mirth or in rebuke ; his invi- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 171 
 
 tatory notes being indeed of all most repulsive and hor- 
 rid. Clouds of snuff, aggravating the natural terrors of 
 his speech, broke from each majestic nostril, darkening 
 the air. He took it, not by pinches, but a palmful at 
 once, diving for it under the mighty flaps of his old-fash- 
 ioned waistcoat pocket ; his waistcoat red and angry ; his 
 coat dark rappee, tinctured by dye original, and by ad- 
 juncts, with buttons of obsolete gold. And so he paced 
 the terrace. 
 
 " By his side a milder form was sometimes to be seen, 
 the pensive gentility of Samuel Salt. They were coevals, 
 and had nothing but that and their benchership in com- 
 mon. In politics Salt was a Whig, and Coventry a 
 staunch Tory. Many a sarcastic growl did the latter cast 
 out — for Coventry had a rough, spinous humor — at the 
 political confederates of his associate, which rebounded 
 from the gentle bosom of the latter like cannon-balls from 
 wool. You could not ruffle Samuel Salt. 
 
 " S. had the reputation of being a very clever man, 
 and of excellent discernment in the chamber-practice of 
 the law. I suspect his knowledge did not amount to 
 much. When a case of difficult disposition of money, 
 testamentary or otherwise, came before him, he ordinarily 
 handed it over, with a few instructions, to his man Lovel, 
 who was a quick little fellow, and would despatch it out 
 of hand, by the light of natural understanding, of which 
 he had an uncommon share. It is incredible what repute 
 for talents S. enjoyed by the mere trick of gravity. He 
 was a shy man : a child might pose him in a minute — 
 indolent and procrastinating to the last degree. Yet men 
 would give him credit for vast application, in spite of 
 himself. . . . Yet S. was thought by some of the great- 
 
172 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 est men of his time a fit person to be consulted, not 
 alone in matters pertaining to the law, but in the ordinary 
 niceties and embarrassments of conduct, — from force of 
 manner entirely. He never laughed. 
 
 " With Coventry and with Salt in their walks upon the 
 terrace, most commonly Peter Pierson would join to make 
 up a third. They did not walk linked arm-in-arm in 
 those days, ' as now our stout triumvirs sweep the streets,' 
 but generally with both hands folded behind them for 
 state, or with one at least behind, the other carrying a 
 cane. P. was a benevolent but not a prepossessing 
 man." 
 
 Then foUow portraits of Barrington, among whose 
 accounts of his year's treasurership was the charge, 
 " Item, disbursed Mr. Allen, the gardener, twenty shil- 
 lings, for stuff to poison the sparrows, by my orders ; " 
 Wharry, "attenuated and fleeting," whose gait, "three 
 steps and a jump," was accounted for as " a trial of pois- 
 ing; " and Mingay, who, having lost his right hand, siip- 
 pUed it with an iron hook, with which, I suppose, he 
 grappled with ugly causes. In introducing these antiques 
 he says, " Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." 
 Among Lamb's intimates were two lawyers, — the slov- 
 enly Martin Burney, to whom Charles said, " If dirt were 
 trumps, what hands you would hold ! " and Crabb Rob- 
 inson, to whom announcing with glee his first retainer, 
 he replied, "Thou great first cause, least understood." 
 His account of a lawyer, in a letter to Mrs. Haslett, is 
 probably a good-humored satire. This imaginary barris- 
 ter contended that the word "heir" must, in tlie law- 
 courts, be pronounced hayer, and " thought it might even 
 vitiate a cause if the counsel pronounced it otherwise." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 173 
 COLERIDGE, 
 
 in "Table-Talk," has this chapter on "Duties and Needs 
 of an Advocate : " "There is undoubtedly a limit to the 
 exertions of an advocate for his client. He has a right, 
 it is his bounden duty, to do every thing which his chent 
 might honestly do, and to do it with all the effect which 
 any exercise of skill, talent, or knowledge of his own 
 may be able to produce. But the advocate has no right, 
 nor is it his duty, to do that for his cUent which his client 
 in foro conscientitz has no right to do for himself; as 
 for a gross example, to put in evidence a forged deed or 
 will, knowing it to be so forged. As to mere confound- 
 ing witnesses by skilful cross-examination, I own I am 
 not disposed to be very strict. The whole thing is per- 
 fectly well understood on all hands ; and it is little more, 
 in general, than a sort of cudgel-playing between the 
 counsel and the witness, in which I think I have seen 
 the witness have the best of it as often as his assailant. 
 It is of the utmost importance in the administration of 
 justice, that knowledge and intellectual power should be, 
 as far as possible, equalized between the crown and the 
 prisoner, or plaintiff and defendant. Hence especially 
 arises the necessity for an order of advocates, men whose 
 duty it ought to be to know what the law allows and dis- 
 allows, but whose interest should be wholly indifferent 
 as to the persons and characters of their clients. If a 
 certain latitude in examining witnesses is, as experience 
 seems to have shown, a necessary means toward the evis- 
 ceration of the truth of matters of fact, I have no doubt, 
 as a moralist, in saying that such latitude, within the 
 bounds now existing, is justifiable." "Still, I think, that 
 
174 L'iW ^ND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 upon the whole, the advocate is placed in a position un- 
 favorable to his moral being, and indeed to his intellect 
 also in its higher powers. Therefore I would recommend 
 an advocate to devote some part of his leisure time to 
 some study of the metaphysics of the mind, or meta- 
 physics of theology, — something, I mean, which shall 
 call forth all his powers, and centre his wishes in the in- 
 vestigation of truth alone, without reference to a side to 
 be supported. No studies give such a power of distin- 
 guishing as metaphysical ; and in their natural and un- 
 perverted tendency, they are ennobling and exalting. 
 Some such studies are wanted to counteract the operation 
 of legal studies and practice, which sharpen indeed, but 
 like a grinding- stone, narrow while they sharpen." It 
 would be difficult to conceive any thing that grows 
 broader with sharpening. 
 
 LANDOR. 
 
 Walter Savage Landor, in his " Imaginary Dialogues," 
 thus makes Gen. Lacy discourse of law to Cura Merino : — 
 
 " To talk of France is nugatory : England, then, where 
 more causes are tried within the year than among us 
 within ten, has only twelve judges, criminal and civil, in 
 her ordinary courts. A culprit, or indeed an innocent 
 man, may lie six months in prison before his trial, on sus- 
 picion of having stolen a petticoat or pair of slippers. 
 As for her civil laws, they are more contradictory, more 
 dilatory, more complicated, more uncertain, more expen- 
 sive, more inhumane, than any now in use among men. 
 They who appeal to them for redress of injury suffer an 
 aggravation of it ; and when justice comes down at last, 
 she alights on ruins. . . . Law in England, and in most 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 175 
 
 other countries of Europe, is the crown of injustice, 
 burning and intolerable as that hammered and nailed 
 upon the head of Zekkler, after he had been forced to 
 eat the quivering flesh of his companions in insurrection. 
 In the statutes of the North American United States, 
 there is no such offence as libel upon the government ; 
 because in that country there is no worthless wretch 
 whose government leads to or can be brought into con- 
 tempt. This undefined and undefinable offence in Eng- 
 land hath consigned many just men and eminent scholars 
 to poverty and imprisonment, to incurable maladies, and 
 untimely death. Law, like the Andalusian bull, lowers 
 her head and shuts her eyes before she makes her push ; 
 and either she misses her object altogether, or she leaves 
 it immersed in bloodshed. . . . The faultiness of the 
 English laws is not complained of nor pointed out exclu- 
 sively by the speculative or the sanguine, by the op- 
 pressed or the disappointed : it was the derision and 
 scoff of George the Second, one of the bravest and 
 most constitutional of kings. 'As to our laws,' said he, 
 ' we pass near a hundred every session, which seem 
 made for no other purpose but to afford us the pleasure 
 of breaking them.' " 
 
 EDWARD EVERETT 
 
 had a great admiration for our profession, for one who 
 was educated as a clergyman. He says, " The lawyer 
 must be able to reason from the noblest principles of 
 human duty, and the most generous feehngs of human 
 nature ; he must fully comprehend the mighty maze of 
 the social relations; he must carry about with him a 
 stock of learning almost boundless ; he must be a sort 
 
176 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 of god to men and communities, who look up to him in 
 the dearest peril of their lives and fortunes; and he 
 must, at the same time, be conversant with a tissue of 
 the most senseless fictions and arbitrary technicalities 
 that ever disgraced a liberal science." 
 
 His remarks on the engrossing nature of our profes- 
 sional duties are quite appreciative : " He passes his 
 days in his office, giving advice to clients, often about 
 the most uninteresting and paltry details of private busi- 
 ness, or in arguing over the same kind of business in 
 court ; and when it comes night, and he gets home, tired 
 and harassed, instead of sitting down to rest or to read, 
 he has to study out another perplexing cause for the 
 next day, or go before referees, or attend a political 
 meeting and make a speech, while every moment which 
 can be regarded in any degree at leisure time is con- 
 sumed by a burdensome correspondence. Besides this, 
 he has his family to take care of. It is plain that he has 
 no more leisure for the free and improving cultivation of 
 his mind, independent of his immediate profession, than 
 if he had been employed the same number of hours in 
 mechanical or manual labor. I have no doubt there are 
 many, of very respectable standing, who do not, in any 
 branch of knowledge not connected with their immedi- 
 ate profession, read the amount of an octavo volume in 
 the course of a season." 
 
 He might have added, if he had known the profes- 
 sion as well as I do, that there is a great deal of " loaf- 
 ing " done by them. Valuable hours are wasted at the 
 " post-office " (that's where we usually tell our wives we 
 are going, after supper), or at the tavern, and even in 
 our offices, with our heels higher than our heads. To 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 177 
 
 such the example of Everett might be recommended, 
 who always carried a classic in his pocket for perusal 
 while in the water-closet. An eminent lawyer of this 
 State, formerly a judge of our highest court, found 
 time to make himself one of the ablest microscopists in 
 the country ; and I know another who has become well 
 versed in history, literature; and science, by the habit of 
 burning the gas aU night over the head of his bed, and 
 occupying his wakeful hours with a book. 
 
 IRVING, 
 
 in the history of New York, records a wise judgment 
 given in a law-suit by Gov. Wouter Von Twiller. Wan- 
 die Van Schoonhoven claimed a balance of account 
 against Barent Bleecker. The governor despatched his 
 constable for the defendant, armed with his jack-knife as 
 summons, and his tobacco-box as warrant. The parties 
 produced their books of account. "The sage Wouter 
 took them one after the other, and having poised them 
 in his hands, and attentively counted over the number 
 of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and 
 smoked for half an hour without saying a word : " at 
 length he gave it as his decision, that inasmuch as the 
 books were of the same thickness and weight, the 
 accounts were balanced, the parties should exchange 
 receipts, and the constable pay the costs. This adjudi- 
 cation diffused general joy throughout New Amsterdam, 
 and not another law-suit look place during the whole of 
 his administration. 
 
 The author records that the province was governed 
 without laws, and recommends the example, on the 
 ground that laws excite the obstinacy of men, and that 
 
178 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 unless they were continually warned that certain things 
 are wrong, they would do right out of pure ignorance, 
 and because they knew no better. 
 
 He also has an admirable chapter on the jurisprudence 
 of William the Testy ; " Among the wrecks and frag- 
 ments of exalted wisdom which have floated down the 
 stream of time from venerable antiquity, and been picked 
 up by those humble but industrious wights who fly along 
 the shores of literature, we find a shrewd ordinance of 
 Charondas, the Locrian legislator. Anxious to preserve 
 the judicial code of the state from the additions and 
 amendments of country members, and seekers of popu- 
 larity, he ordained that whoever proposed a new law 
 should do it with a halter about his neck ; whereby, in 
 case his propositions were rejected, they just hung him 
 up : and there the matter ended. 
 
 " The effect was, that for more than two hundred years 
 there was but one trifling alteration in the judicial code ; 
 and legal matters were so clear and simple that the whole 
 race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment. 
 The Locrians, too, being freed from all incitement to 
 litigation, lived very lovingly together, and were so happy 
 a people that they make scarce any figure in history ; it 
 being only your litigious, quarrelsome, rantipole nations 
 who make much noise in the world. 
 
 " I have been reminded of these historical facts in 
 coming to treat of the internal pohcy of William the 
 Testy. Well would it have been for him had he, in the 
 course of his universal acquirements, stumbled upon 
 the precaution of the good Charondas, or had he looked 
 nearer at home, at the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer, 
 where the community was governed without laws. Such 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 179 
 
 legislation, however, was not suited to the busy, meddling 
 mind of William the Testy. On the contrary, he con- 
 ceived that the true wisdom of legislation consisted in 
 the multiplicity of laws. He accordingly had great pun- 
 ishments for great crimes, and little punishments for little 
 offences. By degrees the whole surface of society was 
 cut up by ditches and fences, and quickset hedges of 
 the law, and even the sequestered paths of private life 
 so beset by petty rules and ordinances, too numerous to 
 be remembered, that one could scarce walk at large 
 without the risk of letting off a spring-gun, or falling 
 into a man-trap. 
 
 " In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws 
 became apparent, — a class of men arose to expound and 
 confound them. Petty courts were instituted to take 
 cognizance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to 
 abound ; and the community was soon set together by 
 the ears. 
 
 " Let me not be thought as intending any thing de- 
 rogatory to the profession of the law, or to the distin- 
 guished members of that illustrious order. Well am I 
 aware that we have in this city innumerable worthy gen- 
 tlemen, the knights-errants of modem days, who go about 
 redressing wrongs and defending the defenceless, not for 
 the love of filthy lucre, or the selfish cravings of renown, 
 but merely for the pleasure of doing good. Sooner would 
 I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my 
 ink-bottle forever, than infringe, even for a nail's-breadth, 
 upon the dignity of these truly benevolent champions of 
 the distressed. On the contrary, I allude merely to those 
 caitiff scouts, who in these latter days of evil, infest the 
 skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish 
 
l8o LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 knights of yore the honorable order of chivalry; who 
 under its auspices commit flagrant ^vrongs ; who thrive 
 by quibbles, by quirks and chicanery, and like vermin, 
 increase the corruption in which they are engendered. 
 
 " Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as 
 the facility of gratification. The courts of law would 
 never be so crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgrace- 
 ful suits, were it not for the herd of pettifoggers. These 
 tamper with the passions of the poorer and more ignorant 
 classes, who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in 
 itself, are ever ready to embitter it by litigation. These, 
 like quacks in medicine, excite the malady to profit by 
 the cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees. As 
 the quack exhausts the constitution, the i pettifogger ex- 
 hausts the purse : and as he who has once been under 
 the hands of a quack is forever after prone to dabble in 
 drugs, and poison himself with infallible prescriptions, so 
 the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to embroil 
 himself with his neighbors, and impoverish himself with 
 successful law-suits. My readers will excuse this digres- 
 sion into which I have been unwarily betrayed : but I 
 could not avoid giving a cool and unprejudiced account 
 of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, 
 and with the effects of which I am ruefully acquainted ; 
 having been nearly ruined by a law-suit which was de- 
 cided against me, and my ruin having been completed 
 by another, which was decided in my favor.'' 
 
 "PICTURES OF THE FRENCH; 
 
 A series of literary and graphic delineations of French 
 character, by Jules Janin, Balzac, Cormenin, and other 
 celebrated French authors," is a very entertaining book, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. i8l 
 
 embracing a variety of characters, from peers to pension- 
 ers, including attorneys, judges, and law-students. I 
 make a few extracts from the sketch of "The Attorney," 
 by Altaroche : — 
 
 " It might seem, at first sight, that the French attorney 
 exercises one of those patent professions which can be 
 known and understood by such of the public at^ large as 
 will merely take the trouble to look and listen. This 
 supposition is the more natural, as the profession is cre- 
 ated and regulated by the law, which everybody is sup- 
 posed to know. Such however is not the case — at least 
 in Paris. There the attorney is not the slave of the legal 
 text, but rather the proprietor, with all the proprietary 
 rights of use and abuse. We might almost say, consider- 
 ing the animosity with which he tortures it, that he is its 
 executioner. The country attorney has simply to follow 
 set forms : the Paris attorney is compelled to invent and 
 imagine." 
 
 " An attorneyship in Paris is not a possession for life, 
 but merely a transitory employment. It is only in the 
 country that a man dies an attorney. In Paris an attor- 
 ney's office is a kind of park-preserve, well laid out, 
 abounding with game, in which it is necessary to purchase 
 a license to hunt for fortune. His game-bags being well 
 filled, the sportsman resigns his snares and the key to the 
 first comer." 
 
 "The head clerk buys an attorneyship in order to 
 marry ; the attorney sells in order to raise the expenses 
 of commencing a chase after fortune." 
 
 During his courtship he is a dandy ; after marriage, a 
 sloven. His office, always at his residence, is fitted up 
 with great elegance, and is a lounging-place for gossips, 
 
l82 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 who bring him business out of gratitude. His head clerk 
 generally knows more law than his principal. Most of 
 his copying is done by students, without remuneration, 
 who write "vaudevilles destined to be refused by the 
 Follies Dramatiques, or love-letters to the milliner's girls 
 round the corner." 
 
 "In his summary the Parisian attorney compHcates 
 the proceedings as much as possible, while the country 
 attorney generally tries to simplify them. To attain his 
 end, the provincial attorney takes the shortest way ; while 
 the Paris attorney makes a long detour, well knowing that 
 to him the road is not sown with thorns and flints. He 
 introduces the utmost possible number of pleadings into 
 the same cause : he crowds proceeding upon proceeding, 
 suit upon suit. He not only goes through all the formal- 
 ities necessary to the affair in hand, but complicates it in 
 every way that the law directly or indirectly authorizes. 
 In a word, his talent consists in extracting from a suit all 
 that is legally possible, and in making every squeeze ad- 
 vantageous to himself." 
 
 Then follows an account of the manner in which the 
 French attorneys get up their pleadings. The folio sys- 
 tem prevails ; and if a pleading is reasonably only twenty- 
 five fohos in length, they insert in the middle a parcel of 
 manuscript, which they keep on hand for the purpose, 
 and serve the whole on the opposite attorney, and charge 
 for serving — say seventy-five fohos. The opposite attor- 
 ney removes the injected manuscript, and sends it back 
 in his answer, making a similar charge. And so this 
 shutdecock is kept flying to and fro, and nobody suffers 
 but the suitors. 
 
 Then we have a narrative of how a partition suit is 
 managed : — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 183 
 
 "The licitation is the legal sale of an estate that cannot 
 be divided. For instance, a house in Paris descends in 
 heritage to two brothers. It being impossible to divide 
 it into two portions, the brothers apply conjointly to an 
 attorney to have it legally sold. In such a case the at- 
 torney's business would appear to be of the simplest 
 nature. The two parties being agreed, it would only be 
 necessary to procure the assent of the court to a judg- 
 ment drawn up by himself, authorizing the licitation, or 
 legal sale, after going through the usual forms. 
 
 " But widely different is the Parisian attorney's inter- 
 pretation of his duty. So simple a proceeding would not 
 produce a sufficiently long bill of costs. Our attorney's 
 way of going to work is as follows : Having received the 
 written request of the two brothers, who have but one 
 will, one common wish, namely, to sell as soon as possi- 
 ble, and share the proceeds, the attorney draws up the 
 demand for licitation at Peter's request : Paul offers no 
 opposition, — far from it. But no matter : our attorney 
 fictitiously selects for Paul another attorney, and under 
 the name of this colleague, who kindly lends his signature 
 (such being the custom), serves himself as Peter's attor- 
 ney, with a request to hinder the licitation in the name 
 of Paul. 
 
 " The reasoning urged in this process cannot be other- 
 wise than illusory, for a licitation is never opposed by the 
 law : therefore it is only an affair of form, to which no 
 great importance is attached. The second clerk has in 
 store an abundance of consecrated phrases for this ficti- 
 tious opposition. 
 
 " In the request that he draws up in the name of the 
 opposing Paul, he says, ' You must be aware, and unfor- 
 
184 LA IV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 tunately it is an observation but too well founded, that at 
 the present moment all business is stagnant, in conse- 
 quence of the existing commercial crisis. Paris in par- 
 ticular has especial reason to complain of the sad effects 
 it produces. Time was when the capitalist sought with 
 avidity for eligible investments in houses ; but now that 
 the rage for joint-stock companies has made such rapid 
 advances, complete discredit has fallen on all that does 
 not offer tempting advantages to speculators and stock- 
 jobbers : buyers are therefore at a discount ; and houses, 
 any more than land, cannot be disposed of even at the 
 most deteriorated price,' etc. 
 
 " Now comes Peter's turn. Peter replies to Paul's plea 
 by a rejoinder; and the same clerk, after having manu- 
 
 , factured the demand, is charged with the reply. He 
 makes Peter speak in such terms as the following : — 
 
 . \ " ' Our opponent is in error, and completely mistaken 
 
 (n his view of the actual state of business. Joint-stock 
 companies have fallen into complete discredit ; capital is 
 flowing back into solid and substantial investments, ex- 
 empt from the risk and hazard of speculative commerce ; 
 and confidence is universal. It would be a difficult task 
 to find a more propitious moment to effect an advan- 
 tageous sale of houses, landed property,' etc. 
 
 " We need not say that this theme may be varied at 
 will to the same tune, and that under the pen of the sec- 
 ond clerk, similar phrases may be spun out to an indefi- 
 nite length, so as to produce two voluminous requests. 
 Formulae, consisting of a certain number of pages each, 
 according to the importance of the licitation, are in use. 
 If the property be of small value, the style of the request 
 is rapid and concise as that of Paul Louis Courrier : on 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 185 
 
 the contrary, if the price is considerable, the style of the 
 request is diffuse and inflated as that of Victor Ducange 
 or Salvandy. 
 
 " A suppositious exchange of summonses then ensues 
 between Paul and Peter, who, after a certain time, find to 
 their amazement that they have unconsciously sustained 
 a formal lawsuit ! Singular litigants ! who, without the 
 slightest difference of opinion, have contested in the 
 judicial arena till their worthy attorney has exhausted his 
 fictitious combinations." 
 
 In the chapter on "The Court of Assize," by Cor- 
 menin, are some severe remarks on public prosecutors 
 and judges : — 
 
 " Little do they understand their office and their call- 
 ing who debase the magistrate in the man, the actor, the 
 partisan. They do not arraign the prisoner ; they plead, 
 they bawl, they rave, they rage with invective ; now they 
 arrange the folds of their black drapery in studied folds, 
 to accuse with elegance, as the gladiators of Rome stud- 
 ied the attitude in which they should gracefully await the 
 death-stroke ; now they mimic the gesture and voice of a 
 tragedy-king, and fancy they are making an effect when 
 they are only making a noise. 
 
 " Erect at the bar, with a countenance flaming with 
 animation, they command the jury, seated at their feet : 
 they perplex them with gesticulation, they stun them with 
 vociferation. I have seen jurors shut their eyes and stop 
 their ears at the approach of these storms of rhetoric — 
 of these deafening clamors. Pity, oh ! pity for the jury, 
 if not for the prisoners ! " 
 
 " But when reality takes the place of fiction, when 
 these same spectators sit as jurymen in court, when it 
 
1 86 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 is their verdict which is to kill or acquit, their thoughts 
 assume a graver color. They bid the giddy fancies, which 
 queen it in the brain, keep out. They have no ears but 
 for the calmer voice of reason, no eyes but for the fact, 
 no thought but for the thoughts of the prisoner; they 
 question his every feature ; they anxiously scrutinize his 
 answers, — his contradictions, his ejaculations, his emo- 
 tions, his smiles, his pale countenance, his chill shudder. 
 There they sit in the presence of God, of man, and of 
 that sacred Truth which they would fain lay hold on, 
 which they search, they demand, they implore. ^Vaken 
 them not from so holy a meditation : the rhetoric of all 
 your orators is not worth a good man's conscience. No : 
 they mistake their calling, who, as counsel for the crown, 
 are forever straining their sinews and their jaws to stilt up 
 a heinous crime on the shoulders of a trifling misdemeanor. 
 They mistake their calling who dress up their common 
 truisms of morality in the jingle of poetic rodomontade, 
 and who would scare the public if public vengeance does 
 not fall on the veriest trifles. They mistake their calling 
 who apostrophize the prisoner, inveigh against his coun- 
 sel, and browbeat his witnesses. They mistake their 
 calling who do not frankly abandon the prosecution 
 wlien the evidence has brought out the innocence of the 
 accused, but who persist in the demand of punishment, 
 lessened by one degree. They mistake their calling who 
 stimulate and excite the jury, the court, and the audience 
 by their impassioned metaphors, their frantic appeals to 
 political sympathies, their rolling eyes and threatening 
 gestures — to earn the wretched satisfaction of having it 
 said, ' How powerfullv he has spoken ! How eloquent 
 he has been ! ' 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 187 
 
 " The duties of that higher branch of the magistracy 
 which occupies the bench are not less numerous than 
 those of the lower branch which pleads at the bar. I 
 know of no office more sacred, more solemn, or more 
 august than that of the chief judge of the assize. The 
 assemblage of his powers represents the triple sway of 
 might, religion, and justice. He unites the triple author- 
 ity of the king, the priest, and the judge. How high an 
 opinion ought a magistrate placed in so eminent a situa- 
 tion — perhaps the first in society — to have of himself, 
 that is to say, of his proper duties, in order to discharge 
 them worthily. With what sagacity must he connect the 
 thread of evidence, broken a hundred times by the tortu- 
 ous skill of the advocate. To bring out truth from the 
 contradictions of the witnesses ; to compare the oral with 
 the written evidence ; to combine the analogous points 
 of the case ; to cut short doubts ; to urge the questions ; 
 to lay hold of every circumstance, every fact, every letter, 
 every admission, every exclamation, every word, every 
 gesture, every look, every tone of voice, which may give a 
 clue to the truth ; to interrogate the prisoner with gentle 
 firmness ; to exhort him to confession and repentance ; 
 to raise his fainting spirits ; to warn him when he is com- 
 mitting himself; to direct him when he proceeds; to 
 restrain the counsel for the crown and for the prisoner 
 within the bounds of propriety, without checking their 
 rightful liberty; to explain to the jury the points of law; 
 to give the witnesses full time to reflect, and to give their 
 answers clearly ; to keep a respectful silence in the court, — 
 these are the manifold duties of the president of a court. 
 Happy is he who can understand them — who can dis- 
 charge them. But the great stumbling-block of the judge 
 
1 88 LAW AND LAWYERS LN LITERATURE. 
 
 is the summing up of the evidence. To sum up is to 
 give a clear account of the facts ; to go over the evidence 
 on either side ; to examine what has been said in support 
 of the charge, and in behalf of the prisoner, and nothing 
 but what has been said ; and to place before the jury, 
 with logical simplicity, the questions to which their ver- 
 dict is to be the answer. All summing up ought to be 
 precise, firm, full, impartial, and short. 
 
 " But there are judges who loll in their chairs as if 
 they were taking their ease : there are judges who sketch 
 pen-caricatures of the people in court, who twine their 
 fingers through their curls, who pass all the pretty women 
 in court in review with their eye-glass, who intimidate 
 the prisoner by the harsh and imperious brevity of their 
 questions, who affront and put out the witnesses, bully 
 the counsel, and provoke the jury. Some are ridiculous, 
 and others impertinent ; but there are some who are 
 worse than either, — those who give way to all their pas- 
 sions, as men or as partisans. They rush into the strife 
 of politics, their weapons in their hand, their finger on 
 the trigger; they open upon the jury all the batteries of 
 the accusation ; they throw into the shade the defence ; 
 they lump the facts of the case together, instead of clear- 
 ing them up ; they expatiate upon times and places and 
 persons and characters and opinions wholly foreign to 
 the cause ; they want to court the government, or a 
 coterie, or a personage ; they hint that what the jury 
 still consider as a mere charge is, in their eyes, a con- 
 victed crime ; they point out its obvious commission 
 and its imminent danger ; they quibble with law and 
 flourish with rhetoric ; they supply fresh arguments, 
 which they invent, to those which he. the public ac- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 189 
 
 cuser, has left untouched, and excuse themselves by say- 
 ing such is the language of the indictment ; though the 
 indictment says nothing of the sort, and they add a false- 
 hood to their shame. 
 
 " Fancy the position of a prisoner who has been re- 
 freshed, who has been restored, by the courageous and 
 persuasive language of his counsel, only to be felled to 
 the earth by the terrible weight of the judge's charge ! 
 The jury, too ! the jury might be upon their guard 
 against the vehemency of an accuser, who was only 
 doing his daily work, and of the counsel for the prisoner, 
 because theirs was avowedly partial language ; but what 
 protection is there against the hand that holds the im- 
 partial beam of justice ? — against the judge, who ought 
 simply to report upon the cause, without letting his own 
 opinions transpire, without disclosing the man under the 
 robe of the magietrate ? 
 
 "The jury have no vast and practiced powers of 
 memory to retain, to compare, to arrange, and to judge 
 the conflicting arguments bandied from side to side. 
 What with the excitement of their feelings, and the fatigue 
 of their duties, they yield, as all plain men do, to the last 
 impression they have received. If that last impression be 
 given under the form of a reiterated accusation, how 
 heavy a weight must lie upon the conscience of that jury ! 
 how great a peril on the head of that prisoner ! " 
 
 The last two paragraphs are applicable to other coun- 
 tries than France, and to other judges than French 
 judges. Those judges who seem to regard themselves 
 as helpers of the people's attorney, and to fear that they 
 themselves suffer reproach if a prisoner is acquitted, may 
 well ponder these sentiments. 
 
I go LAW AND LAWYEMS IN LITERATURE. 
 EMERSON. 
 
 In the essay on Eloquence, which forms a chapter of 
 Ralph Waldo Emerson's volume entitled " Society and 
 Solitude," — a book full of wisdom expressed in a most 
 honeyed style, — are a few remarks on lawyers : "There 
 is a petty lawyer's fluency, which is sufficiently impressive 
 to him who is devoid of that talent ; though it be, in so 
 many cases, nothing more than a facility of expressing 
 with accuracy and speed what everybody thinks and says 
 more slowly, without new information, or precision of 
 thought, but the same thing, neither less nor more." 
 
 " In a court of justice the audience are impartial : 
 they really wish to sift the statements, and know what 
 the truth is. And in the examination of witnesses there 
 usually leap out, quite unexpectedly, three or four stub- 
 born words or phrases, which are the pith and fate of the 
 business, which sink into the ear of all parties, and stick 
 there, and determine the cause. All the rest is repetition 
 and qualifying ; and the court and the country have 
 really come together to arrive at these three or four 
 memorable expressions, which betrayed the mind and 
 meaning of somebody." 
 
 " I remember, long ago, being attracted by the dis- 
 tinction of the counsel and the local importance of the 
 cause, into the court-room. The prisoner's lawyers were 
 the strongest and cunningest lawyers in the common- 
 wealth. They drove the attorney for the state from cor- 
 ner to corner, taking his reasons from under him, and 
 reducing him to silence, but not to submission. When 
 hard pressed, he revenged himself in turn on the judge, 
 by requiring the court to define what salvage was. The 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 191 
 
 court, thus pushed, tried words, and said every thing it 
 could think of to fill the time, supposing cases, and 
 describing duties of insurers, captains, pilots, and mis- 
 cellaneous sea-officers, that are, or might be — like a 
 schoolmaster puzzled by a hard sum, who reads the con- 
 text with emphasis. But all this flood not serving the cut- ■ 
 tlefish to get away in, — the horrible shark of the district 
 attorney being still there, grimly awaiting with his ' the 
 court must define,' — the poor court pleaded its inferi- 
 ority. The superior court must establish the law for this ; 
 and it read away piteously the decisions of the supreme 
 court, but read to those who had no pity. The judge was 
 forced at last to rule something, and the lawyers saved 
 their rogue under the fog of a definition. The parts were 
 so well cast and discriminated, that it was an interesting 
 game to watch. The government was well enough rep- 
 resented. It was stupid ; but it had a strong will and 
 possession, and stood on that to the last. The judge had 
 a task beyond his preparation, yet his position remained 
 real : he was there to represent a great reality, — the jus- 
 tice of states, which we could well enough see beetling 
 over his head, and which his trifling talk nowise affected, 
 and did not impede, since he was entirely well-meaning." 
 " The statement of the fact, however, sinks before the 
 statement of the law, which requires immeasurably higher 
 powers, and is a rarest gift, being in all great masters 
 one and the same thing ; in lawyers, nothing technical, 
 but always some piece of common sense, alike inter- 
 esting to laymen as to clerks. Lord Mansfield's merit 
 is the merit of common sense. It is the same quaKty 
 we admire in Aristotle, Montaigne, Cervantes, or in 
 Samuel Johnson, or FrankUn. Its application to law 
 
192 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 seems quite accidental. Each of Mansfield's famous 
 decisions contains a level sentence or two which hit the 
 mark. His sentences are not always finished to the eye, 
 but are finished to the mind. The sentences are in- 
 volved ; but a solid proposition is set forth, a true distinc- 
 tion is drawn. They come from and they go to the 
 sound human understanding; and I read without sur- 
 prise that the black-letter lawyers of the day sneered at 
 his ' equitable decisions,' as if they were not also learned. 
 This, indeed, is what speech is for, — to make the state- 
 ment," etc. 
 
 HAWTHORNE, 
 
 in the " English Note-book,'' makes a visit to a British 
 court of justice : " I was in the crown court on Saturday, 
 
 sitting in the sheriffs seat. The judge was Baron , 
 
 an old gentleman of sixty, with very large, long features. 
 His wig helped him to look like some strange kind of 
 animal, very queer, but yet with a sagacious, and on the 
 whole beneficent, aspect. During the session some mis- 
 chievous young barrister occupied himself with sketching 
 the judge in pencil ; and, being handed about, it found 
 its way to me. It was very like and very laughable, but 
 hardly caricatured. The judicial wig was an exceedingly 
 odd affair ; and as it covers both ears, it would seem in- 
 tended to prevent his lordship, and justice in his person, 
 from hearing any of the case on either side, that thereby 
 he may decide the better. It is hke the old idea of 
 bhndfolding the statue of justice. 
 
 " It seems to me, there is less formality, less distance, 
 between the judge, jury, witnesses, and bar, in the Eng- 
 lish courts than in our own. The judge takes a very 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 193 
 
 active part in the trial, constantly asking a question of 
 the witness on the stand, making remarks on the conduct 
 of the trial, putting in his word on all occasions, and 
 allowing his own sense of the matter in hand to be pretty 
 plainly seen : so that before the trial is over, and long 
 before his own charge is delivered, he must have exer- 
 cised a very profound influence over the minds of the 
 jury. All this is done, not without dignity, yet in a fa- 
 miliar kind of way. It is a sort of paternal supervision 
 of the whole matter, quite unlike the cold awfulness of 
 an American judge. But all this may be owing partly to 
 
 the personal characteristics of Baron . It appears 
 
 to me, however, that from the closer relations of all par- 
 ties, truth was likely to be arrived at and justice to be 
 done. As an innocent man, I should not be afraid to 
 be tried by Baron ." 
 
 A charming sketch, truly, and suggesting a novel idea 
 of the English courts. Hawthorne's experience of Amer- 
 ican courts was probably confined to Massachusetts, 
 where a good deal of state and dignity prevails. 
 
 We could not expect any thing commonplace from our 
 great romancist ; and so, when he walks through the gar- 
 den of Clement's Inn, it seems quite in keeping that he 
 " remembered that Justice Shallow was of old a student 
 there.'' 
 
 He attended court again, and remarks, " The lawyers, 
 as far as aspect goes, seemed to me inferior to an Amer- 
 ican bar, judging from their countenances, whether as 
 intellectual men or gentlemen. Their wigs and gowns 
 do not impose on the spectator, though they strike him 
 as an imposition. Their day is past." 
 
 Sydney Smith entertained similar views of wigs and 
 
194 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 gowns. He said, " The Americans are tlie first persons 
 wiio have discarded the tailor in the administration of 
 justice, and his auxiliary, the barber, — two persons of end- 
 less importance in the codes and laws of Europe. A 
 judge administers justice without a colorific wig and 
 parti-coloured gown, in a coat and pantaloons. We have 
 doubts whether one atom of useful influence is added to 
 men in important situations by any color, quantity, or 
 configuration of cloth and hair." 
 
 JOHN HILL BURTON, 
 
 in "The Book Hunter," gives a view of the "peculiar 
 cant and jargon " of the Scottish law, as contrasted 
 with that of the English : — 
 
 " When one has been at work among interlocutors, 
 suspensions, tacks, wadsets, multiplepoindings, adjudica- 
 tions in implement, assignations, infeftments homologa- 
 tions, charges of horning, quadrennium utiles, vicious in- 
 tromissions, decrees of putting to silence, conjoint actions 
 of declarator and reduction-improbation, the brain, be- 
 ing saturated with these and their kindred, becomes re- 
 freshed by crossing the border of legal nomenclature, and 
 getting among common recoveries, demurrers, quare im- 
 pedits, tails-male, tails-female, docked tails, latitats, avow- 
 ries, nihil dicits, cestuis qui trusts, estoppels, essoigns, 
 darrien presentments, eraparlances, mandamuses, qui 
 tams, capias ad faciendums or ad withernam, and so 
 forth. After vexatious interlocutors in which the Lord 
 Ordinary has refused interim interdict, but passed the 
 bill to try the question, reserving expenses ; or has re- 
 pelled the dilatory defences, and ordered the case to 
 the roll for debate on the peremptory defences ; or has 
 
AS DEPICTEDBY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 195 
 
 taken to avizandum ; or has ordered re-revised con- 
 descendence and answers on the conjoint probation ; or 
 has sisted diligence till caution be found, judicio sisti ; 
 or has done nearly all these things together in one breath, 
 — it is like the consolation derived from meeting a com- 
 panion in adversity, to find that at Westminster Hall, ' In 
 fermedon, the tenant having demanded a view after a 
 general imparlance, the demandant issued a writ of petit 
 cape — held irregular.' " 
 
 I am glad this was so held ; for if such things are reg- 
 ular and normal, I should pity the English lawyers. 
 
 OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, 
 
 the wittiest man in America, thus discourses of lawyers, 
 in that delightful book, "The Poet at the Breakfast 
 Table : " — 
 
 " The lawyers are the cleverest men, the ministers are 
 the most learned, and the doctors are the most sensible. 
 The lawyers are a picked lot, ' first scholars ' and the like ; 
 but their business is as unsympathetic as Jack Ketch's. 
 There is nothing humanizing in their relations with their 
 fellow-creatures. They go for the side that retains them. 
 They defend the man they know to be a rogue, and not 
 very rarely throw suspicion on the man they know to be 
 innocent. Mind you, I am not finding fault with them : 
 every side of a case has a right to the best statement it 
 admits of; but I say, it does not tend to make them sym- 
 pathetic. Suppose, in a case of Fever v. Patient, the 
 doctor should side with either party according to whether 
 the, old miser or his expectant heir was his employer. 
 Suppose the minister should side with the Lord or the- 
 Devil, according to the salary offered, and other inciden- 
 
196 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 tal advantages, where the soul of a sinner was in question. 
 You can see wliat a piece of work it would make of their 
 sympathies. But the lawyers are quicker-witted than 
 either of the other professions, and abler men generally. 
 They are good-natured ; or if they quarrel, their quarrels 
 are above-board. I don't think they are as accomplished 
 as the ministers, but they have a way of cramming with 
 special knowledge for a case, which leaves a certain shal- 
 low sediment of intelligence in their memories about a 
 good many things. They are apt to talk law in mixed 
 company ; and they have a way of looking round when 
 they make a point, as if they were addressing a jury, that 
 is mighty aggravating; as I once had occasion to see 
 when one of 'em, and a pretty famous one, put me on 
 the witness-stand at a dinner-party once.'' 
 
 This is a magnanimous, and on the whole, a pretty just 
 estimate. Law is the science of reason, and reason has 
 little in common with the sympathies. ' That is the true 
 reason why lawyers are less sympathetic than physicians, 
 and less emotional, not to say hysterical, than clergymen. 
 But the Doctor makes a mistake in assuming that lawyers 
 often know, or even suspect, that their clients are wrong ; 
 and he does them an inadvertent injustice in charging 
 that their throwing suspicion on the innocent is not very 
 rare. The lawyer almost always believes his client right 
 and innocent. His honest zeal for his client generally 
 outruns his client's zeal for himself The lawyer is always 
 angry or chagrined when he is beaten, and it frequently 
 takes him years to be able to see why he was beaten. 
 Guilty clients never confess. Clients hardly ever divulge 
 the whole truth of a business transaction. Beforehand 
 they can always prove every thing " by forty witnesses ; " 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE MORALISTS, ETC. 197 
 
 when the time comes, the lawyer is frequently puzzled to 
 prove any thing by anybody. The lawyer's honest zeal is 
 necessary to his success, or to his ability to present his 
 client's case with any degree of skill or power. If the 
 counsel of Dr. Webster, professor at the same medical 
 school with Dr. Holmes, had not thoroughly believed his 
 client innocent of the murder of Dr. Parkman, he never 
 could have defended him with such superb ability. As 
 to the comparative learning of the professions, I am 
 inclined to express it thus : The clergyman knows a good 
 deal of a considerable number of things ; the physician 
 knows a great deal more of a smaller number of things ; 
 the lawyer knows a little of a great many more things than 
 either. 
 
198 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 IV. 
 
 AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 
 
 JUVENAL, 
 
 In his Seventh Satire, draws the following picture of the 
 Roman lawyers, their fees, their state, and their revelries : 
 the translation is by Charles Dryden, son of " glorious 
 John : " — 
 
 " Next show me the well-lung'd Civilian's gain, 
 Who bears in triumph an artillery train 
 Of chancery libels ; opens first the cause, 
 Then with a pick-lock tongue perverts the laws ; 
 Talks loud enough in conscience for his fee, 
 Takes care his client all his zeal may see ; 
 Twitch'd by the sleeve, he mouths it more and more, 
 Till with white froth his gown is slaver'd o'er. 
 Ask what he gains by all his lying prate, 
 A captain's plunder trebles his estate. 
 The magistrate assumes his awful seat : 
 Stand forth, false Ajax, and thy speech repeat. 
 Assert thy client's innocence ; bawl and tear 
 So loud thy country judge at least may hear, 
 If not discern ; and when thy lungs are sore. 
 Hang up the victor's garland at thy door. 
 Ask for what price thy venal tongue was sold, — 
 A rusty gammon of some sev'n years old, 
 Tough, withered cabbage, ropy wine, a dish 
 Of shotten herrings, or stale, stinking fish. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 199 
 
 For four times talking, if one piece thou take, 
 
 That must be cantled, and the judge go snack. 
 
 'Tis true, Emilius takes a fivefold fee. 
 
 Though some plead better, with more law than he ; 
 
 But then he keeps his coach, six Flanders mares 
 
 Draw him in state, whenever he appears ; 
 
 He shows his statues, too, where plac'd on high 
 
 The ginnett [jenett ?], underneath him, seems to fly ; 
 
 While with a lifted spear, in armor bright. 
 
 His aiming figure meditates a fight. 
 
 With arts like these, rich iVIatteo, when he speaks, 
 
 Attracts all fees, and little lawyers breaks." 
 
 He then depicts a needy attorney : — 
 
 " Tongillus, very poor, has yet an itch 
 Of gaining wealth by feigning to be rich ; 
 
 Nor can I wonder at such tricks as these : 
 The purple garments raise the lawyer's fees, 
 And sell him dearer to the fool that buys. 
 
 Not TuUy now could get ten groats by pleading, 
 Unless the diamond glittered on his hand : 
 Wealth's all the rhetoric clients understand." 
 
 HORACE, 
 
 in the Fifth Satire of the second book, has a humorous 
 dialogue between Ulysses and Tiresias, in which the lat- 
 ter gives the former some useful hints about earning an 
 easy living, by being appointed the beneficiary of rich 
 old men, of which I offer the following translation : — 
 
 In truth I've told you, and tell you again. 
 Put trust in wills of moribund old men ; 
 Though one or two escape by biting off the bait, 
 Relinquish not your hope, nor quit the art, but wait. 
 
20O LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 In every suit that's at the bar contested, 
 
 Or small or great, you should be interested; 
 
 If any rich and childish rogue should supplicate 
 
 The law against the good, be thou his advocate ; 
 
 Despise the man of purer cause and life, 
 
 If he has a son at home or fruitful wife. 
 
 " Quintus," or " Publius " (prefixes charms will lend 
 
 To ears polite), " your virtue has made me your friend : 
 
 I causes plead of substance various. 
 
 And guide through legal quirks precarious ; 
 
 And any one shall sooner snatch my eyes, 
 
 Than cheat a nut's worth, or your cause despise. 
 
 My care's to keep you safe from loss or jest." 
 
 Bid him go home, and nurse himself, and rest. 
 
 Be his solicitor, steadfastly persevere, 
 
 By summer or by winter, heat or cold, whene'er 
 
 Unseasoned statues split with glaring Sirius, 
 
 Or Alps are spued upon with snow by greasy Furius.' 
 
 " Do you not see," says one, jogging his neighbor, 
 
 " How sharp he is, how lavish of his labor?" 
 
 By such acute inventions you shall clients fleece : 
 
 More tunnies swimming in, your fish-ponds shall increase. 
 
 If any affluent man an ailing son shall rear — 
 
 Lest too much complaisance should make your plot appear, 
 
 Crawl humble, in the hope of being second heir ; 
 
 And if the boy should die by casualty, 
 
 Perchance your name may fill the vacancy. 
 
 Whoever offers you his will t' peruse. 
 
 Seem to decline the parchment, and refuse; 
 
 But if you're quick, you'll catch, with sidelong squint, 
 
 From the first page a pretty certain hint 
 
 Of what's in th' second clause — if you take all, 
 
 Or only are co-heir with several. 
 
 ^ Furius, in a poem on the Gallic war, had said, "Jupiter hibemas icana nive 
 conspuet Alpes." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 201 
 
 A lawyer, bailiif-born and old, will sometimes cheat 
 The gaping, greedy raveif, and his purse deplete ; 
 And Coranus will laugh at Nasica's defeat. 
 
 PETRONIUS ARBITER. 
 
 I find that this author has a good deal to say about 
 law and lawyers. " Cerberus, forensis erat causidicus," 
 has been thus translated : — 
 
 " Sure Cerberus a lawyer first must be. 
 Whose clam'rous mouth would open for a fee ; 
 But since whene'er he wrangl'd, still he had 
 Three specious reasons for the noise he made, — 
 To please his client, to inform the court, 
 And to gain riches for his own support, — 
 Therefore he's doom'd in hell three heads to bear, 
 And in his mouth three howling tongues to wear, 
 That the loud eloquence he once could boast, 
 To his own interest, but his client's cost. 
 Might now be turn'd to dreadful howls and yelps, 
 The snarling language of illiterate whelps ; 
 And tho' on earth no other bribe but gold 
 Would make the pleader for his client scold. 
 Yet now in hell agreasy sop must be, 
 Instead of coin, the growling puppy's fee." 
 
 In his First Satire, one of the characters, having had 
 his coat stolen, is advised to resort to law to recover 
 it: — 
 
 " Law bears the name, but money has the power : 
 The cause is bad whene'er the client's poor. 
 Those strict-life'd men that seem above our world, 
 Are oft too modest to resist our gold. 
 So judgment, like our other wares, is sold ; 
 And the grave knight that nods upon the laws, 
 Wak'd by a bribe, smiles, and approves the cause." 
 
202 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 But he is afraid of the law, and is " clear for buying 
 it, though we know it to be our own, and rather recover 
 the treasure with a little money than embroil ourselves in 
 an uncertain suit." 
 
 CHAUCER. 
 
 Chaucer described a lawyer as one of the Canterbury 
 Pilgrims : — 
 
 " A Sergeant of the Lawe, ware and wise, 
 That often hadde yben at the paruis," 
 Thar was also, ful riche of excellence. 
 Discrete he was, and of gret reverence : 
 He semed swiche,^ his wordes were so wise, 
 Justice he was ful often in assise, 
 By patent, and by pleine commissioun ; 
 For his science, and for his high renouji, 
 Of fees and robes had he many on. 
 So grete a pourchasour was nowher non. 
 All was fee simple to him in effect, 
 His pourchasing might not ben in suspect. 
 No wher so besy a man as he ther n'as, 
 And yet he semed besier than he was. 
 In termes hadde he cas and domes 3 alle, 
 That fro the time of king Will, weren falle. 
 Therto he coude endite, and make a thing, 
 Ther coude no wighte pinche 4 at his writing. 
 And every statute coude he plaine by rote. 
 He rode but homely in a medlee cote. 
 Girt with a seint 5 of silk, with barres smale. 
 Of his array tell I no lenger tale." 
 
 What a vivid description ! especially the touch, "seemed 
 busier than he was." 
 
 * Parvis, church portico. ^ Such. 3 Opinions. 4 Find flaw, s Girdle. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 203 
 
 ROBERT CROWLEY. 
 
 "The voyce of the laste Trumpet, blowen by the 
 seventh Angel (as is mentioned in the eleventh of the 
 Apocalips), callying al estate of men to the ryght path 
 of theyr vocation ; wherein are conteyned xii lessons to 
 twelve severall estats of men ; which, if they learne and 
 folowe, al shall be wel, and nothing amis," is a book 
 printed in London in 1550, and so scarce that I have 
 never been able to find a copy in this country, and have 
 become acquainted with it only by seeing a copy quoted 
 in an old catalogue at fifteen pounds, and some extracts 
 cited in Brydges' Restituta. The lessons are addressed 
 respectively to beggars, servants, yeomen, lewd priests, 
 scholars, learned men, physicians, lawyers, merchants, 
 gentlemen, magistrates, and women. The following is a 
 portion of "The Lawiar's Lesson : " — 
 
 " Nowe come hither, thou manne of Lawe, 
 And marcke what I shall to the saye ; 
 For I intend the for'to drawe 
 Out of thy most ungodly waye. 
 Thy calling is good and godly, 
 If thou wouldste walke theren aryght ; 
 But thou art so passying gredy, 
 That God's fear is out of thy syght. 
 Thou desirest so to be alofte. 
 That thy desyre can have no staye : 
 Thou hast forgotten to go soft, 
 Thou art so hasty on thy way. 
 But now I call the to repent. 
 And thy gredines to forsake ; 
 For God's wrath is agaynst the bent, 
 If thou wilt not my warnyng take. 
 
204 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Fyrst, call unto thy memorye 
 For what cause the Laws war fyrst made ; 
 And then apply the busily 
 To the same ende to use thy trade. 
 The Lawes were made, undoubtedly, 
 That al such men as are oppreste, 
 Myght in the same fynde remedy. 
 And leade their lyves in quiet reste. 
 Dost thou then walke in thy callyng ? 
 When for to vexe the innocent 
 Thou wilt stande at a barre, ballyng, 
 Wyth all the craft thou canst invente. 
 I saye ballyng — for better name 
 To have it cannot be worthye ; 
 When lyke a beast, without al shame, 
 Thou wilt do wrong to get money." 
 
 JOSHUA SYLVESTER 
 
 dedicated the following sonnet to Chancellor Egerton : 
 
 THE LAW. 
 
 " Most humbly shewes to thy great worthiness 
 (Great moderator of our Britain lawes), 
 The muses abject (subject of distress) 
 How long wrong-vext, in a not needless cause, 
 Not at the King's Bench, but the Penny-less, 
 By one, I Want (the son of simpleness) : 
 Unable more to greaze the scraping paws 
 Of his Attorney Shift, or oil the jaws 
 Of his (dear) counsell, Sergeant Pensiveness, 
 He is compell'd, in forma pauperis, 
 To plead himself, and shew his (little) law 
 In the free court of thy mild courtesies. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 205 
 
 Please it, therefore, an Injunction grant, 
 To stay the Suit between himself and Want. 
 
 For thee and thine, for ay, 
 
 So he and his shall pray." 
 
 B. N. 
 
 These initials, probably those of Nicholas Breton, are 
 subscribed to the prefatory address of a singular book 
 entitled, " I Would, and Would Not,'' published in Lon- 
 don in 1614. An idea of the author's plan, as well as 
 his style, may be conveyed by the following stanzas appli- 
 cable to our subject : — 
 
 " I would I were a man of such deepe wit, 
 
 As might discerne the depth of every cause ; 
 
 That wheresoere I did in Judgement sit, 
 I might be held a Note-booke in the Lawes. 
 
 My braine might seeme a kinde of miracle. 
 And every word I spake an Oracle. 
 
 And yet I would not; for then, woe were me, 
 I should be troubled with a world of Cases : 
 
 Both rich and poore would then my Clients be, 
 Some with their pleasing, some with piteous faces; 
 
 And when the Rich had left their briberie, 
 I should not rest for Forma Pauperie^'' 
 
 FRANCIS QUARLES, 
 
 In "Emblems Divine and Moral," speaking of the 
 " golden age," says, — 
 
 " There was no client then to wait 
 The leisure of his long-tail'd advocate ; 
 The talion law was in request. 
 And chanc'ry courts were kept in every breast ; 
 
206 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LIT&RATURE. 
 
 Abused statutes had no tenters, 
 
 And men could deal secure without indentures." 
 
 JOHN STEPHENS, 
 
 in 1 6 15, published "Essayes and Characters, ironical and 
 instructive. With a new Satyre, in defense of common 
 Lawyers, mixt with reproofe against their common En- 
 emy." The following extract is said to allude to Ruggles's 
 Latin play of " Ignoramus," which was a severe attack 
 on law and lawyers : — 
 
 " It hath been tolde 
 Sound wits are modest, shallow wits are bolde ; 
 And therefore did the law-tearme Poet weene 
 To please a publike eare with private spleene. 
 Now, O the pitty ! that a misconceite 
 Of some, should all the Law and Lawyers baite. 
 Content yourselfe (saith Ignoramus), I 
 Am well acquainted with your pollicy : 
 You in the fencer's trick are deeply read ; 
 And off'ring at the foot, you mean the head. 
 As doth a rebell who hath taken armes, 
 He promises to heljje his countries harmes, 
 But hath a meaning to surprise the towne. 
 And make the total regiment his owne, 
 Such was the meaning, to disgrace the Law 
 Under a colour'd trick, and wisely draw 
 That honor to yourselves which follows them.'' 
 
 He also gives the character of an honest lawyer : " He 
 is a precious diamond set in pure gold ; the one gives 
 glory to the other; and being divided, they be lesse 
 valuable. He knows Law to be the mistres of man, and 
 yet he makes Honesty the mistres of the Law. He hath 
 as much leasure to dispute with Conscience in the most 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 207 
 
 busie tearme as in the deadest vacation. He rails not 
 against the vices of his profession, but makes his profes- 
 sion commendable by his owne practise of vertue. He 
 may well be a president to the best physicians, for he 
 undertakes no cure when he perceives it inclining to be 
 desperate. He makes the cause, and not the client, the 
 object of his labour. He hath no leasure to protract 
 time, or save his cKent's opinion with jests premeditated, 
 or windy inferences. He owes so much worship to desert 
 and innocence, that he can as faithfully applaud sufficient 
 worth, as not to insult over, or exclaime against, dull 
 ignorance. He dares know and professe, in spight of 
 potency : hee dares be rich and honest, in despight 
 of custome." 
 
 LYNDSAY. 
 
 While we are grubbing among ancient remains, it would 
 be wrong to pass over Sir David Lyndsay's "Monarchie," 
 in which a personage termed " Experience " thus speaks 
 of Law : — 
 
 " I would some Prince of great discretion 
 In vulgar language plainly causde translate 
 The needful Lawes of this Region : 
 Then would there not be halfe so great debate 
 Among us people of the low estate. 
 If every man the verity did know, 
 We needed not to treat these men of Law. 
 To do our neighbour wrong, we would beware, 
 If we did fear the Lawes punishment : 
 There would not be such brawling at the Bar, 
 Nor men of Law chine to such Royal rent, 
 To keep the Law if all men were content, 
 And each man do as he would be done to, 
 The Judges would get little thing adoe.'' 
 
208 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 SEWELL, 
 
 in his tragedy "Sir Walter Raleigh," thus describes Coke 
 and the crown lawyers in the memorable trial of the hero 
 who gave the title to the play : — 
 
 " I heard the deep-mouth'd Pack, that scented Blood 
 From their first starting, and pursued their View 
 With the Law Musick of long-winded Calumny. 
 Well I remember one among the Tribe, 
 A reading Cut-throat skill 'd in Parallels, 
 And dark Comparisons of wond'rous Likeness, 
 Who, in a Speech of unchew'd Eloquence, 
 Muster'd up all the Crimes since Noah's Days, 
 To put in Ballance with this fancied Plot, 
 And made e'en Catiline a Saint to Raleigh : 
 The Sycophant so much o'er-play'd his part, 
 I could have hugg'd him, kiss'd the unskillful Lies 
 Hot from his venal Tongue." 
 
 DANIEL, 
 
 in his lines on " Lord Keeper Egerton," has the follow- 
 ing, which reminds us of a passage in Montaigne : — 
 
 " Since her interpretations, and our deeds, 
 Unto a like infinity arise, 
 As b'ing a science that by nature breeds 
 Contention, strife, and ambiguities; 
 For altercation controversy feeds, 
 And in her agitation multiplies : 
 The field of cavil lying all like wide. 
 Yields like advantage unto either side. 
 
 Which made the grave Castilian king devise 
 
 A prohibition that no advocate 
 Should be convey'd to th' Indian Colonies, 
 Lest their new settling, shaken with debate, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 209 
 
 Might take but slender root, and so not rise 
 
 To any perfect growth of fine estate ; 
 For having not this skill how to contend, 
 Th' unnourish'd strife would quickly make an end." 
 
 BROOKE, 
 
 in " Mustapha," thus speaks of law : — 
 
 " Laws the next pillars be with which we deal, 
 As sophistries of ev'ry common weal ; 
 Or rather nets, which people do ask leave 
 That they to catch their freedoms in, may weave ; 
 And still add more unto the sultan's pow'r. 
 By making their own frames themselves devour. 
 These Lesbian rules, with show of real grounds, 
 Giving right, narrow; will, transcendant bounds." 
 
 DEKKER, 
 
 in "Match me in London," observes, — 
 
 " You oft call Parliaments, and there enact 
 Laws good and wholesome, such as whoso break 
 Are hung by the purse or neck. But as the weak 
 And smaller flies i' the spider's web are ta'en. 
 When great ones tear the web and free remain ; 
 So may that moral tale of you be told 
 Which once the wolf related : in the fold 
 The shepherds kill'd a sheep, and eat him there ; 
 The wolf look'd in, and see'ng them at such cheer, 
 Alas ! quoth he, should I touch the least part 
 Of what you tear, you would pluck out my heart. 
 Great men make laws, that whosoe'er draws blood 
 Shall dye ; but if they murder flocks, 'tis good. 
 I'll go eat my lamb at home, sir." 
 
2IO LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In Tourneur's "Revenger's Tragoedie " we find this 
 dialogue : — 
 
 " I. Tell me, what has made thee so melancholy? 
 2. Why, going to law. 
 
 1. Why, will that make a man melancholy? 
 
 2. Yes, to look long on ink and black 
 Buckram. I went to law in anno 
 Quadragesima secundo, and I 
 
 Waded out of it in anno sexagesimo tertio. 
 I. What! three and twenty years in law? 
 z. I have known those that have been five and fifty, 
 
 And all about pullen and pigs. 
 
 1. May it be possible such men should breathe, 
 To vex the terms so much ? 
 
 2. 'Tis food to some, 
 
 My lord. There are old men at the present 
 That are so poison'd with th' affectation 
 Of law-words, having had many suits canvass'd, 
 That their common talk is nothing but barb'rous 
 Latin : they cannot so much as pray, but 
 In law, that their sins may be remov'd, with 
 A writ of error, and their souls fetch'd up 
 To heaven with a certiorari" 
 
 DAVENANT, 
 
 in his lines on the " Restauration," says, — 
 
 "Your clemency has taught us to believe 
 It wise, as well as virtuous, to forgive. 
 And now the most offended shall proceed 
 In great forgiving, till no laws we need. 
 For law's slow progresses would quickly end, 
 Could we forgive as fast as men offend. 
 Revenge of past offences is the cause 
 Why peaceful minds consented to have laws : 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 21 1 
 
 Yet plaintiffs and defendants much mistake 
 Their cure, and their diseases lasting make ; 
 For to be reconciled, and to comply, 
 Would prove their cheap and shortest remedy : 
 The length and charge of law vex all that sue ; 
 Laws punish many, reconcile but few.'' 
 
 In " Gondibert " he says, — 
 
 " Yet since on all war never needful was, 
 Wise Aribert did keep the people sure 
 By laws from little dangers ; for the laws 
 Then from themselves, and not from pow'r secure. 
 
 Else conquerors, by making laws, o'ercome 
 Their own gain'd pow'r, and leave men fury free ; 
 
 Who growing deaf to pow'r, the laws grow dumb ; 
 Since none can plead, where all may judges be." 
 
 DONNE, 
 
 in rugged and forcible verse, thus scolds at lawyers in his 
 Second Satire : — 
 
 " The insolence 
 
 Of Coscus only breeds my just offense, 
 
 Whom time (which rots all, and makes botches pox, 
 
 And plodding on must make a calf an ox) 
 
 Hath made a lawyer ; which (alas !) of late 
 
 But scarce a poet, jollier of this state 
 
 Than are new beneficial ministers, he throws 
 
 Like nets or lime-twigs, wheresoe'er he goes, 
 
 His title of barrister on every wench. 
 
 And woos in language of the pleas and bench. 
 
 ' A motion, Lady.' — ' Speak, Coscus.' — ' I have been 
 
 In love e'er since tricesimus of the queen. 
 
 Continued claims I've made, injunctions got, 
 
 To stay my rival's suit, that he should not 
 
212 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Proceed ; spare me, in Hilary term I went ; 
 
 You said if I returned next 'size in Lent, 
 
 I should be in remitter of your grace ; 
 
 In the interim my letters should take place 
 
 Of affidavits.' Words, words, which would tear 
 
 The tender labyrinth of a maid's soft ear 
 
 More, more than ten Slavonians' scoldings, more 
 
 Than when winds in our ruined abbeys roar. 
 
 When sick with poetry, and possest with muse 
 
 Thou wast run mad — I hoped ; but men which choose 
 
 Law practice for mere gain, bold souls repute 
 
 Worse than imbrotheled strumpets prostitute. 
 
 Now, like an owl-like watchman, he must walk 
 
 His hand still at a bill ; now he must talk 
 
 Idly, like prisoners, which whole months will swear 
 
 That only suretyship hath brought them there, 
 
 And to every suitor lie in every thing. 
 
 Like a king's favorite, or like a king : 
 
 Like a wedge in a block, wring to the bar. 
 
 Bearing like asses, and more shameless far 
 
 Than carted whores, lie to the grave judge, for 
 
 Bastardy abounds not in kings' titles, nor 
 
 Simony and Sodomy in churchman's lives, 
 
 As these things do in him ; by these he thrives. 
 
 Shortly, as the sea, he'll compass all the land. 
 
 From Scots to Wight, from Mount to Dover-strand, 
 
 And spying heirs, melting with luxury, 
 
 Satan will not joy at their sins, as he ; 
 
 For (as a thrifty wench scrapes kitchen stuff 
 
 And barrelling the droppings, and the snufiE 
 
 Of wasting candles, which in thirty year, 
 
 Relicly kept, perchance buys wedding cheer) 
 
 Piece-meal he gets lands, and spends as much time 
 
 Wringing each acre, as maids pulling prime. 
 
 In parchment, then, large as the fields, he draws 
 
 Assurances, big as glossed civil laws, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 213 
 
 So huge, that men (in our time's forwardness) 
 
 Are fathers of the church for writing less. 
 
 These he writes not, nor for these written pays, 
 
 Therefore spares no length (as in those first days, 
 
 When Luther was profest, he did desire 
 
 Short paternosters, saying as a friar 
 
 Each day his beads, but having left those laws. 
 
 Adds to Christ's prayer the power and glory clause). 
 
 But when he sells or changes land, he impairs 
 
 His writings, and (unwatched) leaves out ses heires, 
 
 And slyly as any commenter goes by 
 
 Hard words or sense ; or in divinity 
 
 As controverters in vouched texts leave out 
 
 Shrewd words which might against them clear the doubt." 
 
 BISHOP HALL, 
 
 in the Third Satire of the second book, animadverts on 
 the law and lawyers : — 
 
 " Who doubts ? the laws fell down from heav'n's height, 
 Like to some gliding star in winter's night? 
 Themis, the scribe of God, did long agone 
 Engrave them deep in during marble stone, 
 And cast them down on this unruly clay, 
 That men might know to rule and to obey. 
 But now their characters depraved bin, 
 By them that would make gain of others' sin. 
 And now hath wrong so mastered the right. 
 That they live best that on wrong's offal light. 
 So loathly fly, that lives on galled wound. 
 And scabby festers inwardly unsound. 
 Feeds fatter with that poisonous carrion. 
 Than they that haunt the healthy limbs alone. 
 Woe to the weal where many lawyers be. 
 For there is sure much store of malady. 
 
214 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 'Twas truly said, and truly was foreseen, 
 The fat kine are devoured of the lean. 
 Genus and Species long since barefoot went 
 Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment; ' 
 Whiles father Bartoll ^ on his footcloth rode. 
 Upon high pavement gaily silver strow'd. 
 Each homebred science percheth in the chair 
 While sacred arts grovel on the groundsel bare. 
 Since peddling Barbarisms 'gan be in request, 
 Nor classic tongues, nor learning found no rest, 
 The crouching client, with low bended knee, 
 And many worships, and fair flattery, 
 Tells on his tale as smoothly as him list, 
 But still the lawyer's eye squints on his fist ; 
 If that seem lined with a larger fee, 
 Doubt not the suit, the law is plain for thee. 
 Tho' must he buy his vainer hope with price, 
 Dishclout his crowns, and thank him for advice. 
 So have I seen in a tempestuous stowre, 
 Some briar-bush showing shelter from the show'r, 
 Unto the hopeful sheep that fain would hide 
 His fleecy coat from that same angry tide : 
 The ruthless briar, regardless of his plight, 
 Lays hold upon the fleece he should acquite, 
 And takes advantage of the careless prey, 
 That thought she in securer shelter lay. 
 The day is fair, the sheep would far to feed ; 
 The tyrant briar holds fast his shelter's need, 
 And claims it for the fee of his defence : 
 So robs the sheep, in favour's fair pretence." 
 
 ' I.e., the professor of logic is obliged to go a-foot. 
 2 Bartolus, a civil lawyer of the fourteenth centuxy. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 215 
 
 BOILEAU, 
 
 educated to the law, excuses his desertion to literature, 
 in his First Satire : — 
 
 " Shall I hereafter act another part, 
 Phoebus abandon for Bartholu's art ? 
 Turn o'er the Institutes, thumb Littleton, 
 And draggling at my tail a dirty gown, 
 Pick up for every cause a double crown ? 
 But at the very thought I start, and find 
 The Bar and I shall ne'er be of a mind. 
 Can I in such a barbarous country bawl. 
 And rend with venal lungs the guilty hall ; 
 Where innocence does daily pay the cost. 
 And in the labyrinth of law is lost ; 
 Where wrong by tricks and quirks prevails o'er right, 
 And black is by due form of law made white ; 
 Garvin outnoised by Graham yields the prize. 
 And Ciceros are formed o'er mutton pies? 
 E'er I a thought like this can entertain. 
 Frost shall at midsummer congeal the Seine ; 
 His Holiness shall turn a Protestant, 
 Beecher wear lawn, and Tyng the elder cant." 
 
 The translation which I quote has dashes in place of 
 the proper names, and I have ventured to supply the 
 names which I think the poet must have intended. 
 
 In the Eighth Satire the following occurs : — 
 
 " No eagle does upon his peerage sue, 
 And strive some meaner eagle to undo ; 
 No fox was e'er suborned by spite or pay, 
 To swear his brother fox's life away ; 
 Nor any hind, for impotence at rut. 
 Did e'er the stag into the Arches put, 
 
2i6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Where a grave dean the congress might ordain, 
 And with that burlesque word his sentence stain. 
 They do no dreadful quo warranto fear, 
 Nor courts of sessions or assize are there. 
 No common pleas, queen's bench, or chancery bar; 
 But happier they, by nature's charter free. 
 Secure and safe, in mutual peace agree, 
 And know no other law but equity." 
 
 "What would he think, upon lord mayor's day, 
 Should he the pomp and pageantry survey, 
 Or view the judges, and their solemn train, 
 March with grave decency to kill a man ? 
 What would he think of us, should he appear 
 In turn, amongst the crowds, at Westminster, 
 And there the hellish din and jargon hear, 
 Where Spencer and his pack, with deep mouth'd notes, 
 Drown Billingsgate and all its oyster boats ? 
 There see the judges, Serjeants, barristers, 
 Attorneys, counsellors, solicitors. 
 Criers, and clerks, and all the savage crew. 
 Which wretched man at his own charge undo ? " 
 
 In his epistle to the Abbot des Roches, the poet 
 says, — 
 
 " Dost think, thou champion of thy church's rights, 
 That justice follows if the law invites ? 
 Would'st thou thy proud rebellious monks chastise ? 
 Believe me, 'tis a dangerous enterprise. 
 Can Ausanet, tho' feed, secure the cause, 
 Convince the judges and compel the laws? 
 Tho' just thy suit, ne'er think it will succeed. 
 In vain the law directs, and lawyers plead. 
 Don't imitate the fools whom lust of gold 
 Provokes, and makes 'em in a process bold ; 
 Don't at thy cost the greedy bench enrich. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 21 7 
 
 Nor let litigious hopes thy mind bewitch ; 
 
 For he who in a suit his weapon draws, 
 
 Is often beggar'd, tho' he gain his cause. 
 
 But who, the lawyers say, would lose his right ? 
 
 The law has no respect for muck or might. 
 
 At Caen they preach this doctrine, where the son 
 
 The father follows, and is soon undone. 
 
 At Mons betimes the sire this lesson reads, 
 
 The son's soon taught, and son the sire succeeds. 
 
 But thou on this side of the Oise wert bred, 
 
 And wilt not with their follies fill thy head ; 
 
 Nor wilt thou, Hke some hot incumbents, squeeze 
 
 The clowns, nor sue a peasant for a piece. 
 
 Nor e'er the law has ta'en its costly course, 
 
 Make bawling Mazier and Corbin hoarse. 
 
 No, no — but if thou e'er should'st long to fee 
 
 A lawyer, pr'ythee, first consult with me. 
 
 And if I can't these wicked thoughts disperse, 
 
 Read this old tale, which now I tell in verse : — 
 
 " It happen'd in a former wrangling age. 
 An author writes (no matter for the page), 
 Two travelers, for breakfast ready found 
 A fat stray oyster lying on the ground. 
 Says one, 'Tis mine ; the other says the same : 
 And hot they grew, and hunger fann'd the flame. 
 Who should come by, while they debating stand, 
 But Justice, with the balance in her hand. 
 To her they both applied. She heard the cause, 
 And found them bent to leave it to the laws. 
 She weighed the matter, and to end it well. 
 Opened the fish, and gave to each a shell. 
 ' Thus,' having swallowed it at once, she cried, 
 ' We judge the cause, and thus the goods divide. 
 What, but for fools, would law and lawyers do ? 
 'Twas a good oyster, gentlemen ; adieu.' " 
 
2l8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In the first epistle to the king, Boileau speaks of — 
 
 " The costly quarrels of the wrangling bar, 
 More fatal than the bloody feud of war." 
 
 The following translation of a Latin epigram by this 
 poet closes the list of his contributions to my subject : — 
 
 " UPON A YOUNG LAWYER, THE SON OF A COUNTRY BEADLE. 
 
 " While the fierce beadle's brat does loudly bawl, 
 How silent are the mob, how still the hall ! 
 Yet think not that his rhetoric's revered : 
 The son is harmless, but the father's feared." 
 
 LA FONTAINE. 
 
 The twentieth Fable of the Second Book of La Fon- 
 taine contains a point of law derived, I infer, from Phs- 
 drus. The translation given below is Elizur Wright's, 
 slightly modified : — 
 
 " If what old story says of yEsop's true. 
 
 The oracle of Greece he was. 
 And more than Areopagus he knew. 
 
 With all its wisdom in the laws. 
 The following tale gives but a sample 
 Of what his fame has made so ample. 
 
 Three daughters shared a father's purse, 
 
 Of habits totally diverse. 
 The first, bewitched with drinks delicious, 
 The next, coquettish and capricious, 
 The third, supremely avaricious. 
 
 The sire, expectant of his fate, 
 
 Bequeathed his whole estate 
 
 In equal shares to them, 
 
 And to their mother just the same, — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 2 19 
 
 To her made payable when (and not before) 
 
 Each daughter should possess her part no more. 
 
 The father died. The females three 
 
 Were much in haste the will to see. 
 
 They read and read, but still 
 
 Saw not the willer's will. 
 
 For could it well be understood 
 
 That each of this sweet sisterhood, 
 
 When she possessed her part no more, 
 
 Should to her mother pass it o'er .? 
 
 'Twas surely not so easy saying 
 
 How lack of means would help the paying. 
 What meant their honored father, then ? 
 Th' affair was brought to legal men, 
 Who, after turning o'er the case 
 Some hundred thousand different ways, 
 
 Threw down the learned bonnet. 
 
 Unable to decide upon it. 
 
 And then advised the heirs, 
 
 Without more thought, to adjust affairs. 
 As to the widow's share, the counsel say, 
 We hold it just the daughters each should pay 
 
 One-third to her upon demand. 
 
 Should she not choose to have it stand 
 Commuted as a life annuity. 
 Paid from her husband's death, with due congruity. 
 
 The thing thus ordered, the estate 
 Is duly cut in portions three ; 
 And in the first they all agree 
 
 To put the feasting lodges, plate. 
 Luxurious cooling mugs. 
 Enormous liquor jugs, 
 Rich cupboards, — built beneath the trellised vine, — 
 The stores of ancient, sweet Malvoisian wine. 
 
 The slaves to serve it at a sign, — 
 
220 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In short, whatever in a great house 
 There is of feasting apparatus. 
 The second part is made 
 Of what might help the jilting trade, — 
 
 The city house and furniture,- 
 
 Genteel and exquisite, be sure ; 
 The eunuchs, milliners, and laces. 
 The jewels, shawls, and costly dresses. 
 The third is made of household stuff, 
 More vulgar, rude and rough, — 
 Farms, fences, flocks, and fodder, 
 And men and beasts to turn the sod o'er. 
 
 This done, since it was thought 
 
 To give the parts by lot 
 
 Might suit, or it might not, 
 Each paid her shar.e of fees dear. 
 And took the part that pleased her. 
 
 'Twas in great Athens town 
 
 Such judgment gave the gown. 
 
 And then the public voice 
 Applauded both the judgment and the choice ; 
 
 But ^sop well was satisfied 
 
 The learned men had set aside, 
 
 In judging thus the testament, 
 
 The very jist of its intent. 
 The dead, quoth he, could he but know of it, 
 Would heap reproaches on such Attic wit. 
 What ! men who proudly take their place 
 As sages of the human race. 
 
 Lack they the simple skill 
 
 To settle such a will ? 
 
 This said, he undertook himself 
 
 The task of portioning the pelf. 
 
 And straightway gave each maid the part 
 
 The least according to her heart, — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 221 
 
 The gay coquette the drinking stuff; 
 
 The drinker next the farms and cattle ; 
 
 And on the miser, rude and rough, 
 The robes and lace did ^sop settle ; 
 
 For thus, he said, an early date 
 
 Would see the sisters alienate 
 
 Their several shares of the estate. 
 No motive now in maidenhood to tarry, 
 They all would seek, post haste, to marry ; 
 
 And having each a splendid bait. 
 
 Each soon would find a fitting mate. 
 And leaving thus their father's goods intact, 
 Would to their mother pay them all in fact, — 
 
 Which of the testament 
 
 Was plainly the intent. 
 The people, who had thought a slave an ass. 
 Much wondered how it came to pass, 
 
 That one alone should have more sense 
 
 Than all their men of most pretence." 
 
 Among La Fontaine's Tales is one entitled " Le Juge de 
 Mesle," of which I propose the following paraphrase : — 
 
 " Two advocates, unable to agree, 
 
 Perplexed a plain provincial magistrate : 
 They so enwrapped the case in mystery. 
 
 He could conjecture naught of its true state. 
 Two straws he did select, of length unequal, 
 
 And offered to the parties, with close grip: 
 Defendant drew the long, and as a sequel. 
 
 Acquitted, gaily from the court did trip. 
 The other members of the court deride : 
 
 But he replies. My blame you must divide ; 
 My judgment is no novelty in law : 
 
 For you at hazard frequently decide, 
 And never pull, nor even care, a straw." 
 
222 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 The story of the Oyster and the Litigants has been so 
 spiritedly told by La Fontaine, that although it has been 
 so often told, I will venture to present it in Wright's 
 excellent version : — 
 
 " Two pilgrims on the sand espied 
 
 An oyster thrown up by the tide : 
 
 In hope both swallowed ocean's fruit, 
 
 But ere the fact there came dispute. 
 
 While one stooped down to take the prey, 
 
 The other pushed him quite away. 
 Said he, 'twere rather meet 
 To settle which shall eat. 
 
 Why, he who first the oyster saw, 
 
 Should be its eater by the law : 
 
 The other should but see him do it. 
 
 Replied his mate. If thus you view it, 
 
 Thank God the lucky eye is mine. 
 
 But I've an eye not worse than thine, 
 
 The other cried, and will be cursed, 
 
 If, too, I didn't see it first. 
 
 You saw it, did you ? Grant it true, 
 
 I saw it, then, and felt it too. 
 Amidst this very sweet affair. 
 
 Arrived a person very big. 
 
 Yclept Sir Nincom Periwig. 
 They made him judge, — to set the matter square. 
 
 Sir Nincom, with a solemn face, 
 
 Took up the oyster and the case. 
 
 In opening both, the first he swallowed ; 
 
 And in due time his judgment followed. 
 Attend : the court awards you each a shell, 
 Cost free ; depart in peace, and use them well. 
 
 Foot up the cost of suits at law, 
 The leavings reckon, and award. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 223 
 
 The cash you'll see Sir Nincom draw, 
 
 And leave the parties — purse and cards.'' 
 
 BUTLER. 
 
 Sam Butler had not a high opinion of lawyers, which 
 perhaps was due to his having married a widow whom 
 he thought possessed of a great fortune, which, being 
 placed on bad security, or through the unskilfulness or 
 roguery of a lawyer, was lost. In his commonplace 
 book he says a lawyer never ends a suit, but prunes it, 
 that it may grow the faster, and yield a greater increase 
 of strife. The same idea occurs in Hudibras : — 
 
 " So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, 
 And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, 
 Do stave and tail with writs of error, 
 Reverse of judgment, and demurrer. 
 To let them breathe a while, and then 
 Cry whoop, and set them on again." 
 
 His line, — 
 
 " Like scriv'ner newly crucify'd," 
 
 refers to the cutting off the ears, inflicted on lawyers or 
 scriveners guilty of dishonest practices. In another 
 place he says, — 
 
 " Others believe no voice fan organ 
 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, 
 Until, with subtle cobweb cheats. 
 They're catch'd in knotted law, like nets ; 
 In which, when once they are imbrangled, 
 The more they stir, the more they're tangled : 
 And while their purses can dispute. 
 There's no end of th' immortal suit." 
 
224 -^^^ AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Of the Pickwickian nature of our quarrels, and the 
 character of our learning, he holds these just views : — 
 
 " For law's the wisdom of all ages. 
 And manag'd by the ablest sages ; 
 Who, though their bus'ness at the bar 
 Be but a kind of civil war. 
 In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons 
 Than e'er the Grecians did, and Trojans, 
 They never manage the contest 
 T' impair their public interest, 
 Or by their controversies lessen 
 The dignity of their profession." 
 
 " While lawyers have more sober sense 
 Than t' argue at their own expense. 
 But make their best advantages 
 Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss ; 
 And out of foreign controversies. 
 By aiding both sides, fill their purses ; 
 But have no int'rest in the cause 
 For which th' engage and wage the laws, 
 Nor further prospect than their pay. 
 Whether they lose or win the day; 
 And tho' th' abounded in all ages 
 With sundry learned clerks and sages ; 
 Tho' all their bus'ness be dispute. 
 With which they canvass ev'ry suit, — 
 They've no disputes about their art, 
 Nor in polemics controvert : 
 While all professions else are found 
 With nothing but disputes t' abound." 
 
 " But lawyers are too wise a nation 
 T' expose their trade to disputation. 
 Or make the busy rabble judges 
 Of all their secret piques and grudges ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 325 
 
 In which, whoever wins the day, 
 
 The whole profession's sure to pay. 
 
 Besides, no mountebanks nor cheats 
 
 Dare undertake to do their feats, 
 
 When in all other sciences 
 
 They swarm like insects, and increase. 
 
 For what bigot durst ever draw, 
 
 By Inward Light, a deed in law ? 
 
 Or could hold forth, by revelation, 
 
 An answer to a declaration ? 
 
 For those that meddle with their tools, 
 
 Will cut their fingers, if they're fools ; 
 
 And if you follow their advice. 
 
 In bills and answers and replies. 
 
 They'll write a love letter in chancery." 
 
 But again, — 
 
 " He that with injury is griev'd, 
 And goes to law to be reliev'd, 
 Is sillier than a sottish chouse, 
 Who, when a thief has robb'd his house, 
 Applies himself to cunning men 
 To help him to his goods agen ; 
 When all he can expect to gain. 
 Is but to squander more in vain." 
 
 A righteous hit at "detectives." Under these lines, 
 in Butler's manuscript, are the following strictures on 
 lawyers : — 
 
 " More nice and subtle than those wire-drawers, 
 Of equity and justice, common lawyers ; 
 Who never end, but always prune, a suit. 
 To make it bear the greater store of fruit. 
 As laboring men their hands, criers their lungs. 
 Porters their backs, lawyers hire out their tongues. 
 
226 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 A tongue to mire and gain'accustom'd long, 
 Grows quite insensible to right or wrong." 
 
 The absurd practice of verifying the answer, but not 
 the petition, in chancery, is thus commented on : — 
 
 " And knowing he that first complains, 
 Th' advantage of the business gains; 
 For courts of justice understand 
 The plaintiff to be eldest hand ; 
 Who what he pleases may aver, 
 The other nothing till he swear." 
 
 The scene in which Hudibras states his case to his 
 counsel is most admirable. But first the character of 
 the counsel, who is also a justice, is drawn in the most 
 unfavorable light. He was 
 
 " A lawyer fit for such a case. 
 An old dull sot, who told the clock 
 For many years at Bridewell dock." 
 
 The puisne judge was formerly called the tell-clock, as 
 supposed to be littie employed, but listening how the 
 time went, something like our " side justices." He finds 
 the justice in his den, — 
 
 " With books and money plac'd for show. 
 Like nest-eggs to make clients lay. 
 And for his false opinion pay." 
 
 The dialogue between the client and his counsel shows 
 a knowledge of human nature and of law rarely paral- 
 leled in literature : — 
 
 " Quoth he, there is one Sidrophel, 
 
 Whom I have cudgell'd. — Very well. 
 
 And now he brags he hath beaten me — 
 Better and better still, quoth he — 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 227 
 
 And vows to stick me to the wall, 
 
 Where'er he meets me — Best of all. — 
 
 'Tis true the knave have taken's oath 
 
 That I robb'd him — Well done, in troth. — 
 
 When he's confess'd he stole my cloak. 
 
 And pick'd my fob, and what he took ; 
 
 Which was the cause that made me bang him, 
 
 And take my goods again — Marry hang him. — 
 
 Now, whether I should beforehand 
 
 Swear he robb'd me ? — I understand. — 
 
 Or bring my action of conversion 
 
 And trover for my goods ? — Ah, whoreson ! — 
 
 Or, if 'tis better to indite, 
 
 And bring him to his trial ? — Right. — 
 
 Prevent what he designs to do. 
 
 And swear for th' state against him ? — True. — 
 
 Or whether he that is defendant. 
 
 In this case, has the better end on't, 
 
 Who, putting in a new cross-bill. 
 
 May traverse th' action ? — Better still. — 
 
 Then, there's a lady too — Aye, marry. — 
 
 That's easily prov'd accessory ; 
 
 A widow, who by solemn vows, 
 
 Contracted to me for my spouse, 
 
 Combin'd with him to break her word, 
 
 And has abetted all — Good Lord ! — 
 
 Suborn'd th' aforesaid Sidrophel 
 
 To tamper with the dev'l of hell. 
 
 Who put m' into a horrid fear. 
 
 Fear of my life — Make that appear. — 
 
 Made an assault with fiends and men 
 
 Upon my body — Good agen. — 
 
 And kept me in a deadly fright. 
 
 And false imprisonment, all night. 
 
 Meanwhile they robb'd me, and my horse, 
 
 And stole my saddle — Worse and worse. — 
 
228 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 And made me mount upon the bare ridge, 
 T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage." 
 
 The lawyer approves his case, and would like to have 
 it his own case. 
 
 " But we that practise dare not own ; 
 The law severely contrabands 
 Our taking bus'ness off men's hands ; 
 'Tis common barratry, that bears 
 Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears, 
 And crops them till there is not leather 
 To stick a pen in left of either ; 
 For which some do the summer-sault, 
 And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault : 
 But you may swear at any rate. 
 Things not in nature for the state ; 
 For in all courts of justice here 
 A witness is not said to swear, 
 But make oath, that is, in plain terms, 
 To forge whatever he affirms. 
 
 I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that, 
 Because 'tis to my purpose pat ; 
 For Justice, tho' she's painted blind, 
 Is to the weaker side inclin'd. 
 Like charity : else right and wrong 
 , Cou'd never hold it out so long. 
 
 And like blind fortune, with a sleight, 
 
 Convey men's interest and right 
 
 From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, 
 
 As easily as hocus pocus j 
 
 Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious ; 
 
 And clear again, like hiccius doctius.^'' 
 
 His lawyer also counsels him to 
 
 " Retain all sorts of witnesses, 
 That ply i' th' Temple, under trees ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 229 
 
 Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts, 
 
 About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts ; 
 
 Or wait for customers between 
 
 The pillar-rows in Lincoln's-Inn, 
 
 Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail. 
 
 And affidavit-men ne'er fail 
 
 T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths. 
 
 According to their ears and clothes, 
 
 Their only necessary tools. 
 
 Besides the Gospel, and their souls ; 
 
 And when ye're furnished with all purveys, 
 
 I shall be ready at your service." 
 
 Of the nature of an oath, Hudibras says, — 
 
 " Oaths were not purpos'd, more than law. 
 To keep the good and just in awe, 
 But to confine the bad and sinful, 
 Like mortal cattle in a pinfold." 
 
 In short, Hudibras bristles all over with accurate 
 knowledge of law, and scathing sarcasms on its ministers 
 and administration. Butler's correct use of law-phrases 
 is not singular when we learn that he was for some years 
 clerk to a justice, but nothing short of genius can ac- 
 count for his remarkable insight into the human mind 
 and human motives. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 Pope has immortahzed one lawyer, Mr. Fortescue, to 
 whom his First Satire is addressed : — 
 
 " I come to counsel learned in the law: 
 You'll give me like a friend, both sage and free. 
 Advice, and (as you use) without a fee.'' 
 
 Fortescue was the author of the humorous report in 
 Scriblerus, " Straddling versus Stiles," in which this nice 
 
230 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 point is discussed with professional pliraseology and due 
 gravity : " Sir John Swale of Swalehall, in Swaledale, by 
 the river Swale, knight, made his last will and testament, 
 in which, among other bequests, was this ; viz., ' Out of 
 the kind love and respect that I bear unto my much- 
 honored and good friend, Mr. Matthew Straddling, gent., 
 I do bequeath unto the said Matthew Straddling, gent., 
 all my black and white horses.' The testator had six 
 black horses, six white horses, and six pied horses. The 
 debate, therefore, was whe^^her or no the said Matthew 
 Straddling should have the said pied horses by virtue of 
 the said bequest." The case is ably debated, though not 
 at such length as legal cases usually are, when it is sud- 
 denly terminated by a motion in arrest of judgment, that 
 the pied horses were mares ; and thereupon an inspection 
 was prayed ! 
 
 Fortescue in 1738 was master of the rolls, but he would 
 never have been remembered by posterity had it not 
 happened that he worked for a poet for nothing. 
 
 BLACKSTONE, 
 
 who had a great passion and genius for literature, gave 
 up every thing for the law; but his legal acquirements 
 and talents, although large, were not distinguished enough 
 to have given him immortality, unless they had been 
 joined with that elegant style which makes his Commen- 
 taries so delightful. The following is his melodious and 
 playful "Farewell to the Muse,'' written in 1744 : 
 
 " As by some tyrant's stern command 
 A wretch forsakes his native land, 
 In foreign climes condemned to roam, 
 An endless exile from his home ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 231 
 
 Pensive he treads the destin'd way, 
 And dreads to go, nor dares to stay ; 
 Till on some neighb'ring mountain's brow 
 He stops, and turns his eye below ; 
 There, melting at the well-known view, 
 Drops a last tear, and bids adieu : 
 So I, thus doom'd from thee to part, 
 Gay queen of Fancy and of Art, 
 Reluctant move, with doubtful mind. 
 Oft stop, and often look behind. 
 
 Companion of my tender age. 
 
 Serenely gay and sweetly sage. 
 
 How blithesome were we wont to rove 
 
 By verdant hill or shady grove, 
 
 Where fervent bees, with humming voice, 
 
 Around the honey'd oak rejoice, 
 
 And aged elms with aweful bend 
 
 In long cathedral walks extend ! 
 
 Lulled by the lapse of gliding floods, 
 
 Cheer'd by the warbling of the woods. 
 
 How blest my days, my thoughts how free, 
 
 In sweet society with thee ! 
 
 Then all was joyous, all was young, 
 
 And years unheeded rolled along; 
 
 But now the pleasing dream is o'er. 
 
 These scenes must charm me now no more : 
 
 Lost to the field, and torn from you — 
 
 Farewell ! — a long, a last adieu. 
 
 Me wrangling courts and stubborn Law 
 To smoak and crowds and cities draw : 
 There selfish Faction rules the day. 
 And Pride and Av'rice throng the way ; 
 Diseases taint the murky air, 
 And midnight conflagrations glare ; 
 
232 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Loose Revelry and Riot bold 
 In frighted street their orgies hold ; 
 Or when in silence all is drown'd, 
 Fell murder walks her lonely round : 
 No room for Peace, no more for you ; 
 Adieu, celestial nymph, adieu ! 
 
 Shakespeare no more, thy sylvan son, 
 
 Nor all the art of Addison, 
 
 Pope's heav'n strung lyre, nor Waller's ease, 
 
 Nor Milton's mighty self must please ; 
 
 Instead of these, a formal band 
 
 In furs and coifs around me stand : 
 
 With sounds uncouth and accents dry, 
 
 That grate the soul of harmony. 
 
 Each pedant sage unlocks his store 
 
 Of mystic, dark, discordant lore, 
 
 And points with tott'ring hand the ways 
 
 That lead me to the thorny maze. 
 
 There, in a winding, close retreat, 
 Is Justice doom'd to fix her seat : 
 There, fenc'd by bulwarks of the Law, 
 She keeps the wond'ring world in awe, 
 And there, from vulgar sight retir'd. 
 Like eastern queens is more admired. 
 
 Oh, let me pierce the secret shade 
 Where dwells the venerable maid ! 
 There humbly mark, with rev'rent awe, 
 The guardian of Britannia's Law, 
 Unfold with joy her sacred page 
 (Th' united boast of many an age. 
 Where mix'd, yet uniform, appears 
 The wisdom of a thousand years). 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 233 
 
 In that pure spring the bottom view, 
 Clear, deep, and regularly true. 
 And other doctrines thence imbibe 
 Than lurk within the sordid scribe ; 
 Observe how parts with parts unite 
 In one harmonious rule of right ; 
 See countless wheels distinctly tend 
 By various laws to one great end ; 
 While mighty Alfred's piercing soul 
 Pervades and regulates the whole. 
 
 Then welcome business, welcome strife. 
 Welcome the cares, the thorns of life. 
 The visage wan, the pore-blind sight. 
 The toil by day, the lamp at night, 
 The tedious forms, the solemn prate, 
 The pert dispute, the dull debate. 
 The drowsy bench, the babbling Hall, — 
 For thee, fair Justice, welcome all ! 
 
 Thus, though my noon of life be past, 
 Yet let my setting sun at last 
 Find out the still, the rural cell 
 Where sage Retirement loves to dwell ! 
 There let me taste the home-felt bliss 
 Of innocence and inward peace : 
 Untainted by the guilty bribe, 
 Uncurs'd amid the harpy tribe. 
 No orphan's cry to wound my ear, 
 My honour and my conscience clear, 
 Thus may I calmly meet my end, 
 Thus to my grave in peace descend." 
 
 The same agreeable poet wrote "The Lawyer's 
 Prayer : " — 
 
234 -i^^ AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " Ordain'd to tread the thorny ground, 
 Where very few, I fear, are sound, 
 Mine be the conscience void of blame, 
 The upright heart, the spotless name, 
 The tribute of the widow's pray'r, 
 The righted orphan's grateful tear ! 
 To Virtue and her friends a friend. 
 Still may my voice the weak defend ! 
 Ne'er may my prostituted tongue 
 Protect th' oppressor in his wrong. 
 Nor wrest the spirit of the laws 
 To sanctify the villain's cause ! 
 Let others, with unsparing hand. 
 Scatter their poison through the land, 
 Enflame dissention, kindle strife. 
 And strew with ills the path of life ; 
 On such her gifts let Fortune shower. 
 Add wealth to wealth, and power to power : 
 On me may favouring Heaven bestow 
 That peace which good men only know, 
 The joy of joys by few possess'd, — 
 The eternal sunshine of the breast! 
 Power, fame, and riches I resign — 
 The praise of honesty be mine. 
 That friends may weep, the worthy sigh, 
 And poor men bless me when I die ! " 
 
 CHATTERTON, 
 
 I suspect, hints at the state of the law of libel under 
 Mansfield, and at Mansfield, when he says, in "The 
 Whore of Babylon," — 
 
 " Complaints are libels, as the present age 
 Are all instructed by a law-wise sage. 
 Who, happy in his eloquence and fees. 
 Advances to preferment by degrees ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 235 
 
 Trembles to think of such a daring step 
 As from a tool to Chancellor to leap : 
 But lest his prudence should the law disgrace, 
 He keeps a longing eye upon the mace." 
 
 He at any rate referred to Mansfield in the following 
 passage from the same poem : — 
 
 " And who shall douut and false conclusions draw 
 Against the inquisitions of the law, 
 With jailors, chains, and pillories must plead, 
 And Mansfield's conscience settle right his creed. 
 Is Mansfield's conscience, then, will Reason cry, 
 A standard block to dress our notions by ? 
 Why, what a blunder has the fool let fall, — 
 That Mansfield has no conscience, none at all." 
 
 THOMSON, 
 
 in "The Seasons," makes an occasional and not flatter- 
 ing reference to law and lawyers : — 
 
 " Let this through cities work his eager way, 
 By legal outrage and established guile, 
 The social sense extinct. . . . 
 
 Let these 
 Insnare the wretched in the toils of law, 
 Fomenting discord, and perplexing right, 
 An iron race ! " 
 
 " The toils of law (what dark insidious men 
 Have cumbrous added to perplex the truth. 
 And lengthen simple justice into trade). 
 How glorious were the day that saw these broke, 
 And every man within the reach of right ! " 
 
236 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 SWIFT, 
 
 in "The Beast's Confession," says, — 
 
 " The lawyer swears (you may rely on't) 
 He never squeezed a needy client ; 
 And this he makes his constant rule, 
 To which his brethren call him fool : 
 His conscience always was so nice. 
 He freely gave the poor advice, 
 By which he lost, he may affirm, 
 A hundred fees last Easter term ; 
 While others of the learned robe, 
 Would break the patience of a Job. 
 No pleader at the bar could match 
 His diligence and quick dispatch ; 
 Ne'er kept a cause, he well may boast. 
 Above a term or two at most." 
 
 CHURCHILL. 
 
 The law of libel in England, under Lord Mansfield, 
 reached an extremely unjust and unpopular interpreta- 
 tion. In pursuance of the idea, " the greater the truth, 
 the greater the libel," juries were instructed that their 
 province was the question of publication alone ; and a 
 great deal of judicial bullying was resorted to for the 
 purpose of extorting verdicts on this question, which 
 although consonant with evidence, jurors felt would be 
 the foundation of unjust and excessive judgments. The 
 poet Churchill loses no opportunity of rebuking Mans- 
 field for producing this state of the law. For instance, 
 he speaks of one who prayed a judge 
 
 " That some new laws he would provide 
 (If old could not be misapplied 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 237 
 
 With as much ease and safety there 
 As they are misapplied elsewhere), 
 By which it might be construed treason 
 In man to exercise his reason ; 
 Which might ingeniously devise 
 One punishment for truth and lies, 
 And fairly prove when they had done, 
 That truth and falsehood were but one ; 
 Which juries must indeed retain, 
 But their ejEEects should render vain, 
 Making all real power to rest 
 In one corrupted, rotten breast, 
 By which false gloss the very Bible 
 Might be interpreted a libel." 
 
 DE FOE, 
 
 in his " Hymn to the Pillory," has the following fine pas- 
 sage on law : — 
 
 " The first intent of laws, 
 Was to correct the effect, and check the cause ; 
 
 And all the ends of punishment 
 Were only future mischiefs to prevent. 
 
 But justice is inverted when 
 
 Those engines of the law. 
 Instead of pinching vicious men, 
 
 Keep honest ones in awe." 
 
 And the following, not so fine, on lawyers : — 
 
 " Next bring some lawyers to thy bar. 
 By innuendo they might all stand there : 
 
 There let them expiate that guilt. 
 And pay for all that blood their tongues have spilt. 
 
 These are the mountebanks of State, 
 Who, by the slight of tongues, can crimes create. 
 And dress up trifles in the robes of fate ; 
 
238 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 The mastiffs of a government, 
 
 To worry and run down the innocent." 
 
 The secret of De Foe's hostility to the lawyers is found 
 in the fact that he had been put in the pillory for pub- 
 lishing a " scandalous and seditious pamphlet," entitled 
 "The Shortest Way with the Dissenters." We can ex- 
 cuse his violence in consideration of the malice and 
 bigotry of his accusers. He made money out of the 
 hymn, however : just as our distinguished countryman, 
 Mr. Train, finds it to his profit to go about rehearsing his 
 incarceration in an Irish bastile, at the hands of the bru- 
 tal British Government, for his advocacy of the cause of 
 that down-trodden race whom Ossian describes as " the 
 bare-breeched Fenians." 
 
 GAY 
 
 addresses his fable, "The Dog and the Fox,'' to a lawyer, 
 and introduces it as follows : — 
 
 " I know you lawyers can with ease 
 Twist words and meanings as you please ; 
 That language, by your skill made pliant, 
 Will bend to favor every client ; 
 That 'tis the fee directs the sense, 
 To make out either side's pretense. 
 When you peruse the clearest case. 
 You see it with a double face ; 
 For scepticism is your profession : 
 You hold there's doubt in all expression. 
 
 Hence is the bar with fees supplied. 
 Hence eloquence takes either side. 
 Your hand would have but paltry gleaning, 
 Could every man express his meaning. 
 Who dares presume to pen a deed, 
 Unless you previously are fee'd ? 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 239 
 
 'Tis drawn, and to augment the cost, 
 In dull prolixity engrost ; 
 And now we're well secured by law, 
 Till the next brother find a flaw. 
 
 Read o'er a will. Was't ever known 
 But you could make the will your own ? 
 For when you read, 'tis with intent 
 To find out meanings never meant. 
 Since things are thus, se defendendo, 
 I bar fallacious innuendo" 
 
 COWPER. 
 
 The " Report of an Adjudged Case, not to be found in 
 any of the Books," is an amiable satire. The character 
 of the case and the organization of the court are stated 
 in the first two stanzas : — 
 
 " Between Nose and Eyes a strange contest arose ; 
 The spectacles set them unhappily wrong : 
 The point in dispute was, as all the world knows. 
 To which the said spectacles ought to belong. 
 
 So Tongue was the lawyer, and argued the cause 
 With a great deal of skill, and a wig full of learning ; 
 
 While Chief-Baron Ear sat to balance the laws. 
 So famed for his talent in nicely discerning." 
 
 After submitting the arguments in favor of the title of 
 the Nose, — 
 
 " Then shifting his side (as a lawyer knows how), 
 He pleaded again in behalf of the Eyes." 
 
 The result was, that 
 " His lordship decreed, with a grave solemn tone, 
 
 Decisive and clear, without one if or but, 
 ' That whenever the Nose put his spectacles on, 
 
 By daylight or candle-light, Eyes should be shut ! ' " 
 
240 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 Cowper was articled to an attorney, and an occupant 
 of chambers in the inner temple for a number of years as 
 a student at law. To this he pleasantly refers in one of 
 his letters, which are among the most charming in the 
 language : " I know less of the law than a country at- 
 torney, yet sometimes I think I have almost as much 
 business. My former connection with the profession has 
 got wind ; and though I earnestly profess, and protest, 
 and proclaim it abroad, that I know nothing of the mat- 
 ter, they catmot be persuaded to believe that a head once 
 endowed with a legal periwig can ever be deficient in 
 those natural endowments it is supposed to cover." " In- 
 deed, if two of the wisest in the science of jurisprudence 
 may give opposite opinions on the same point, which 
 does not unfrequently happen, it seems to be a matter 
 of indifference whether a man answers by rule or at a 
 venture. He that stumbles upon the right side of the 
 question is just as useful to his client as he that arrives at 
 the same end by regular approaches, and is conducted 
 to the mark he aims at by the greatest authorities." 
 
 The case of the Spectacles was originally written in an- 
 other letter to a lawyer, and was thus prefaced : " Happy 
 is the man who knows just enough of the law as to make 
 himself a little merry now and then with the solemnity of 
 judicial proceedings. I have heard of common law judg- 
 ments before now ; indeed, have been present at the deliv- 
 ery of some, that according to my poor apprehension, 
 while they paid the utmost respect to the letter of the stat- 
 ute, have departed widely from the spirit of it, and being 
 governed entirely by the point of law, have left equity, 
 reason, and common sense behind them, at an infinite 
 distance. You will judge whether the following report 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 241 
 
 of a case, drawn up by myself, be not a proof and illus- 
 tration of this satirical assertion." 
 
 The poet plumed himself so on this case that he sent 
 it to another correspondent, with the suggestion that 
 poetical reports of law-cases are desirable, for the reasons 
 that they would be more commonly deposited in the 
 memory ; divested of the law's infinite circumlocution, 
 they would become surprisingly intelligible in comparison 
 with their present obscurity ; " and lastly, they would, by 
 this means, be rendered susceptible of musical embellish- 
 ment, and instead of being quoted in the country with that 
 dull monotony so wearisome to by-standers, frequently lull- 
 ing even the justices themselves to sleep, might be re- 
 hearsed in recitation, which would have an admirable effect 
 in keeping the attention fixed and lively, and could not fail 
 to disperse that heavy atmosphere of sadness and gravity 
 which hangs over the jurisprudence of our country." He 
 then relates a story of a lawyer who undertook to put 
 Coke into metre, and cites the following sample of his 
 skill: — 
 
 " Tenant in fee 
 
 Simple is he, 
 And need not quake nor quiver, 
 
 Who hath his lands 
 
 Free from demands 
 To him and his heirs forever." 
 
 This reminds me of some rules for purchasing lands, 
 found in a book printed in 1586, entitled "A Booke of 
 the Arte and Manner how to plant and Graffe all sortes 
 of trees : " — 
 
 " Who so wil be wise in purchasing, 
 Let him consider these points following: 
 
242 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 First see that the lande be cleare, 
 
 In title of the sellar, 
 
 And that it stand in no danger 
 
 Of no woman's dowrie. 
 
 See whether the tenure be bond or free, 
 
 And release of every feoffee. 
 
 See that the sellar be of age, 
 
 And that it lie not in mortgage. 
 
 Whether a tail be thereof found. 
 
 And whether it stand in statute bound. 
 
 Consider what service longeth thereto, 
 
 And what quit rent thereout must go. 
 
 And if it be come of a wedded woman. 
 
 Think thou then on covert baron. 
 
 And if you may in any wise, 
 
 Make your charter with warrantise, 
 
 To thee, thine heires, assignes also. 
 
 Thus should a wise purchaser" do." 
 
 Of a piece with this law-learning is the following " Ca- 
 nons of Descent : " — 
 
 " I. Estates go to the issue iitetti) 
 Of him last seized in infinitum; 
 Like cow-tails, downward, straight they tend, 
 But never lineally ascend : 
 
 2. This gives that preference to males 
 At which a lady justly rails. 
 
 3. Of two males, in the same degree, 
 The eldest, only, heir shall be : 
 With females we this order break. 
 And let them all together take. 
 
 4. When one his worldly strife hath ended. 
 Those who are lineally descended 
 From him, as to his claims and riches, 
 Shall stand precisely in his breeches. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 243 
 
 5. When lineal descendants fail, 
 Collaterals the land may nail ; 
 
 So that they be (and that a bore is) 
 De sanguine progenitoris. 
 
 6. The heir collateral, d'ye see, 
 
 Next kinsman of whole blood must be. 
 
 7. And of collaterals the male 
 Stocks are preferred to the female, 
 Unless the land come from a woman, 
 And then her heirs shall yield to no man.'' 
 
 Or this : — 
 
 " A woman, having settlement, 
 
 Married a man with none : 
 The question was, he being dead, 
 
 If that she had was gone ? 
 Quoth Sir John Pratt, her settlement 
 
 Suspended 6.\A remain. 
 Living the husband — but him dead, 
 
 It doth revive again." 
 
 (Chorus of puisne judges) : — 
 
 " Living the husband — but him dead, 
 It doth revive again." 
 
 Let no one scoff at such improving exercises. John 
 Scott, afterward Lord Eldon, is said to have amused him- 
 self by turning pieces of poetry into the form of legal 
 instruments, and actually to have converted the ballad 
 of " Chevy Chase " into the shape and style of a bill of 
 chancery. What would we not give to possess it ? 
 
 Cowper's idea of "musical embellishment " would do 
 very well if we were always sure of so mellifluous a re- 
 porter. As to the music which should accompany the 
 decisions, a course of rules would naturally be adopted, 
 
244 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 and the technical machinery of the law made to con- 
 form to the new state of things. In choosing the key, 
 judgments upon the rights of infants would be set in the 
 minor, and courts-martial would be conducted in the ma- 
 jor. Causes involving small amounts of money should 
 be dashed off in a presto movement ; but large estates 
 
 — especially where the costs come out of the fund — 
 should be inquired into at the dehberate pace of an 
 adagio. Personal actions — such as slander, assault and 
 battery, and particularly breach of promise of marriage 
 
 — ought to be treated in flats. Musical terms might be 
 used to describe legal process and remedies. For in- 
 stance : An order appointing a receiver might appropri- 
 ately be indicated by a hold ; a stay of proceedings by a 
 rest; an order of arrest by a slur ; while a re-argument 
 might properly be called a repeat or da capo, — back to 
 the beginning. The fund in litigation would generally 
 be diminuendo, and the costs crescendo, to the end. 
 The course of some litigations, in which one judge en- 
 joins another, would be described by a passage full of 
 accidentals. Famous music already written could be 
 adapted to various necessities of the law. Thus, an argu- 
 ment on the law of descent could well be illustrated by 
 the music of the opera of " Orpheus ; " a trial for mur- 
 der by poisoning could be preluded by the strains of 
 "Lucrezia Borgia;" a bill of discovery would be ade- 
 quately set to an air from " La Somnambula," in which 
 groping in sleep and darkness is so thrillingly described ; 
 those pleas of insanity which inevitably accompany the 
 defence of people who avenge their own domestic griev- 
 ances, would fitly be conveyed in the harmonies of 
 " Hamlet ; " and the ease with which the marriage rela- 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 245 
 
 tion is dissolved in some parts of our favored country 
 would be admirably set out by the melodious story of 
 "Don Pasquale." 
 
 Cowper gives the following translation of a Latin poem 
 by Vincent Bourne, entitled "The Cause Won : " — 
 
 " Two neighbors furiously dispute ; 
 A field — the subject of the suit. 
 Trivial the spot, yet such the rage 
 With which the combatants engage, 
 'Twere hard to tell who covets most 
 The prize — at whatsoever cost. 
 The pleadings swell. Words still suffice : 
 No single word but has its price. 
 No term but yields some fair pretence 
 For novel and increased expense. 
 
 Defendant thus becomes a name, 
 Which he that bore it may disclaim ; 
 Since both, in one description blended, 
 Are plaintiffs — when the suit is ended." 
 
 The same idea is expressed in the following : — 
 
 " Unhappy Chremes, neighbor to a peer. 
 Kept half his lordship's sheep, and half his deer ; 
 Each day his gates thrown down, his fences broke, 
 And injur'd still the more, the more he spoke ; 
 At last resolved his potent foe to awe. 
 And guard his right, by statute and by law, 
 A suit in chancery the wietch begun. 
 Nine happy terms through bill and answer run, 
 Obtain'd his cause and costs, and was undone." 
 
246 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 EDWARD MOORE 
 
 published " Fables for the Female Sex," in London, up- 
 wards of a century ago ; and among his lucubrations is 
 the following : — 
 
 " ' Past twelve o'clock,' the watchman cry'd ; 
 His brief the studious lawyer plied ; 
 The all-prevailing fee lay nigh, 
 The earnest of to-morrow's lie. 
 Sudden the furious winds arise, 
 The jarring casement shatter'd flies : 
 The doors admit a hollow sound. 
 And rattling from their hinges bound, 
 When Justice in a blaze of light, 
 Reveal'd her radiant form to sight. 
 
 The wretch with thrilling horror shook, 
 
 Loose every joint, and pale his look : 
 
 Not having seen her in the courts. 
 
 Or found her mentioned in reports, 
 
 He ask'd, with fault'ring tongue, her name, 
 
 Her errand there, and whence she came ? 
 
 Sternly the white-rob'd shade reply'd 
 (A crimson glow her visage dy'd), 
 ' Canst thou be doubtful who I am ? 
 Is Justice grown so strange a name? 
 Were not your courts for Justice rais'd? 
 'Twas there of old my altars blaz'd. 
 My guardian thee I did elect. 
 My sacred temple to protect. 
 That thou and all thy venal tribe 
 Should spurn the goddess for the bribe ! 
 Aloud the ruin'd client cries 
 That Justice has neither ears nor eyes: 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 247 
 
 In foul alliance with the bar, 
 'Gainst me the judge denounces war, 
 And rarely issues his decree 
 But with intent to baffle me.' 
 
 She paus'd. Her breast with fury burn'd. 
 The trembling lawyer thus return'd : — 
 ' I own the charge is justly laid, 
 And weak th' excuse that can be made ; 
 Yet search the spacious globe, and see 
 If all mankind are not like me. 
 The gownsman, skilled in Romish lies, 
 By faith's false glass deludes our eyes ; 
 O'er conscience rides, without control, 
 And robs the man to save his soul. 
 The doctor, with important face, 
 By sly design mistakes the case ; 
 Prescribes, and spies out the disease, 
 To trick the patient of his fees. 
 The soldier, rough with many a scar, 
 And red with slaughter, leads the war. 
 If he a nation's trust betray. 
 The foe has offered double pay. 
 When vice o'er all mankind prevails, 
 And weighty interest turns the scales, 
 Must I be better than the rest. 
 And harbor justice in my breast? 
 On one side only take the fee, 
 Content with poverty and thee ? ' 
 
 ' Thou blind to sense, and vile of mind, 
 The exasperated shade rejoin'd, 
 ' If vii-tue from the world is flown, 
 WiU others' faults excuse thy own ? 
 For sickly souls the first was made ; 
 Physicians for the body's aid ; 
 
248 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE 
 
 The soldier guarded liberty ; 
 Man woman, and the lawyer me. 
 If all are faithless to their trust, 
 They leave not thee the less unjust. 
 Henceforth your pleadings I disclaim, 
 And bar the sanction of my name : 
 Within your courts it shall be read, 
 That Justice from the law is fled.' " 
 
 MANDEVILLE, 
 
 in the "Fable of the Bees," has these Hudibrastic lines 
 on lawyers, in reference to the subject of the registration 
 of voters : — 
 
 " The lawyers, of whose art the basis 
 Was raising feuds and splitting cases, 
 Oppos'd all Registers, that cheats 
 Might make more work with dipt estates ; 
 As 'twere unlawful that one's own 
 Without a law-suit should be known ! 
 They put off hearings wilfully, 
 To finger the refreshing fee ; 
 And to defend a wicked cause 
 Examin'd and survey'd the laws. 
 As burglars shops and houses do, 
 To see where best they may break through." 
 
 Farther on he says, — 
 
 "Justice herself, fam'd for fair dealing, 
 By bhndness had not lost her feeling : 
 Her left hand, which the scales should hold, 
 Had often dropt 'em, bribed with gold ; 
 And though she seem'd impartial. 
 Where punishment was corporal, 
 Pretended to a reg'lar course, 
 In murder, and all crimes of force ; 
 
^iS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 249 
 
 Though some first pillory'd for cheating, 
 Were hang'd in hemp of their own beating; 
 Yet it was thought, the sword she bore 
 Check'd but the desp'rate and the poor; 
 That urg'd by mere necessity, 
 Were ty'd up to the wretched tree, 
 For crimes which not deserv'd that fate, 
 But to secure the rich and great." 
 
 " But Jove, with indignation mov'd, 
 At last in anger swore, he'd rid 
 The brawling hive of fraud ; and did." 
 
 " The bar was silent from that day ; 
 For now the willing debtors pay 
 Ev'n what's by creditors forgot ; 
 Who quitted them that had it not 
 Those that were in the wrong stood mute. 
 And dropt the patch'd, vexatious suit ; 
 On which since nothing else can thrive. 
 Than lawyers in an honest hive, 
 All except those that got enough, 
 With ink-horns by their sides troop'd o£E." 
 
 In his sixth dialogue this author says, " The study of 
 the law is very crabbed and very tedious ; but the pro- 
 fession of it is as gainful, and has great honours annexed 
 to it : the consequence of this is, that few come to be 
 eminent in it but men of tolerable parts and great appli- 
 cation. And whoever is a good lawyer, and not noted for 
 dishonesty, is always fit to be a judge, as soon as he is 
 old and grave enough. To be a lord chancellor, indeed, 
 requires higher talents ; and he ought not only to be a 
 good lawyer and an honest man, but likewise a person 
 of general knowledge and great penetration But this 
 
250 LA IV AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 is but one man; and considering what I have said of 
 the law, and the power which ambition and the love 
 of gain have upon mankind, it is morally impossible, that 
 in the common course of things among the practitioners 
 in chancery, there should not at all times be one or 
 other fit for the seals." 
 
 GOLDSMITH 
 
 wrote the following on "honest Tom Hickey," who gave 
 the poet good dinners : — 
 
 " Here Hickey reclines, a most blunt, pleasant creature ; 
 And slander itself must allow him good nature : 
 He cherish'd his friend, and he relish'd a bumper; 
 Yet one fault he had, and that one was a thumper. 
 Perhaps you may ask if the man was a miser? 
 I answer, No, no, for he always was wiser. 
 Too courteous, perhaps, or obligingly flat ? 
 His very worst foe can't accuse him of that. 
 Perhaps he confided in men as they go. 
 And so was too foolishly honest ? Ah, no ! 
 Then, what was his failing ? come, tell it, and burn ye : 
 He was — could he help it ? a special attorney." 
 
 In " The Logicians Refuted," he controverts the idea 
 that reason belongs to man alone, and says, among other 
 things, — 
 
 " Who ever knew an honest brute. 
 At law his neighbor prosecute. 
 Bring action for assault and battery? " 
 
 In "The Citizen of the Worid," Goldsmith describes 
 a visit to Westminster Hall, made by the Chinese nar- 
 rator with a friend who has a law-suit there, and who has 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 251 
 
 "been on the eve of an imaginary triumpli these ten 
 years." His lawyer tells him that he " has Salkeld and 
 Ventris strong in his favor, and there are no less than 
 fifteen cases in point." Unfortunately Coke and Hale 
 are against him. The Chinese cannot understand why a 
 case should be decided upon precedents. His friend ex- 
 plains, that it is in order to consume time ; for " the more 
 time that is taken up in considering any subject, the better 
 it will be understood." The Chinese is astonished at the 
 number of attendants at court. His friend says, " They 
 live by watching each other. For instance, the catch-pole 
 watches the man in debt, the attorney watches the catch- 
 pole, the counselor watches the attorney, the solicitor 
 the counselor, and all find sufficient employment." Just 
 then the attorney informs his friend that his cause is put 
 off till another term, aijd the Chinese and his friend go 
 to see Bedlam. 
 
 CRABBE, 
 
 that amiable poet, whose verses have the double advan- 
 tage of being just as good prose as poetry, has something 
 to say of law and law-books, in his poem called " The 
 Library : " — 
 
 " On either side 
 The huge Abridgments of the Law abide ; 
 Fruitful as vice the dread correctors stand, 
 And spread their guardian terrors round the land: 
 Yet as the best that human care can do, 
 Is mix'd with error, oft with evil too, 
 Skill'd in deceit, and practised to evade, 
 Knaves stand secure, for whom these laws were made ; 
 And justice vainly each expedient tries, 
 While art eludes it, or while power defies." 
 
252 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Hereupon an interlocutor, in the shape of a " youthful 
 poet," breaks out into song about those happy ages 
 "when the free nations knew not laws," and "love was 
 law," etc., but is rebuked and corrected by the older 
 bard, who explains that the laws were made — 
 
 " Those to contro], and these to succour trade ; 
 To curb the insolence of rude command, 
 To snatch the victim from the usurer's hand; 
 To awe the bold, to yield the wrong'd redress. 
 And feed the poor with Luxury's excess. 
 
 Like some vast flood, unbounded, fierce, and strong, 
 His nature leads ungovern'd man along ; 
 Like mighty bulwarks made to stem that tide, 
 The laws are form'd, and placed on ev'ry side : 
 Whene'er it breaks the bounds by these decreed, 
 New statutes rise, and stronger laws succeed ; 
 More and more gentle grows the dying stream, 
 More and more strong the rising bulwarks seem ; 
 Till like a miner working sure and slow, 
 Luxury creeps on, and ruins all below; 
 The basis sinks, the ample piles decay; 
 The stately fabric shakes and falls away; 
 Primeval want and ignorance come on ; 
 But Freedom, that exalts the savage state, is gone." 
 
 The editor of Crabbe's poems has an interesting note, 
 quoted from Sir D. Dalrymple (Lord Hailes), on Abridg- 
 ments : — 
 
 "Who are they, whose unadorned raiment bespeaks 
 their inward simplicity? These are law-books, statutes, 
 and commentaries on statutes, — whom all men can obey, 
 and yet few only can purchase. Like the Sphynx in antiq- 
 uity, they speak in enigmas, and yet devour the unhappy 
 wretches who comprehend them not. Behold, for our 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 253 
 
 comfort, ' An Abridgment of Law and Equity ! "~ It con- 
 sists not of many volumes ; it extends only to twenty-two 
 folios ; yet as a few thin cakes may contain the whole 
 nutritive substance of a stalled ox, so may this compen- 
 dium contain the essential gravy of many a report and 
 adjudged case. The sages of the law recommend this 
 Abridgment to our perusal. Let us, with all thankfulness 
 of heart, receive their counsel. Much are we beholden 
 to physicians, who only prescribe the bark of the quin- 
 quina, when they might oblige their patients to swallow 
 the whole tree." 
 
 Crabbe does our profession the honor of devoting to 
 us a letter in "The Borough." He heads it " Professions 
 — Law;" and as one would naturally expect, a letter on 
 " Physic " succeeds : but one looks in vain for any epis- 
 tle on " Divinity " from the reverend poet's pen. It 
 seems, on perusing these letters, that the place of honor 
 is given to the law, not on account of any especial par- 
 tiality in the writer for our profession, but simply for the 
 reason that one of two criminals is hanged first, or with 
 the courtesy that Polyphemus extended to Ulysses, the 
 privilege of being the last to be devoured. After the 
 lawyers and doctors are executed, the clergy appear to 
 receive a full pardon. The letter in question is so dull, 
 that it is difficult to select any thing for quotation. The 
 poet, in alluding to the increasing prosperity of attorneys, 
 observes, — 
 
 "One Man of Law in George the Second's reign 
 Was all our frugal fathers would maintain; 
 He too was kept for forms ; a man of peace', 
 To frame a contract, or to draw a lease : 
 
254 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 He had a clerk, with whom he used to write 
 All the day long, with whom he drank at night; 
 Spare was his visage, moderate his bill. 
 And he so kind, men doubted of his skill." 
 
 If our poet could see the bills of lawyers of this day, 
 he would not pronounce modern attorneys of a " spare " 
 habit. 
 
 After comparing lawyers to spiders, and their clients 
 to flies, etc., after the time-honored vogue, he admits that 
 there may now and then be an honest attorney ; but 
 
 "These are the few. — In this, in every place, 
 Fix the litigious, rupture-stirring race ; 
 Who to contention as to trade are led. 
 To whom dispute and strife are bliss and bread." 
 
 In speaking of the ideas that the young imbibe of vari- 
 ous occupations, he says, — 
 
 " The youth has heard — it is in fact his creed — 
 Mankind dispute, that Lawyers may be fee'd." 
 
 He makes the lawyer contend that only three of the 
 Ten Commandments are obligatory ; namely, those 
 against stealing, murder, and adultery : — 
 
 " Break these decrees, for damage you must pay ; 
 These you must reverence, and the rest — you may." 
 
 Really, if a clergyman will write such stuff as this, one 
 might be excused from observing the third command- 
 ment, at least. He compares the law to a still : while 
 the fire burns of itself, gains are quickly made ; when it 
 begins to fail, the lawyers blow the flame : — 
 
 " At length the process of itself will stop. 
 When they perceive they've drawn out every drop." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 255 
 
 In all this chaff I find one grain of wit. Of an attor- 
 ney who got clients by hospitality, he says, — 
 
 " For this he now began his friends to treat : 
 His way to starve them was to make them eat." 
 
 GRAY. 
 
 It is interesting to learn the views of the elegant author 
 of the " Elegy in a Country Churchyard " on the " Study 
 of the Law." They are found in a letter to his friend 
 West, who had thoughts of devoting himself to the pro- 
 fession : " Examples show one that it is not absolutely 
 necessary to be a blockhead to succeed in this profession. 
 The labour is long, and the elements dry and unenter- 
 taining ; nor was ever anybody (especially those that 
 afterward made a figure in it) amused, or even not dis- 
 gusted in the beginning ; yet upon a further acquaintance, 
 there is surely matter for curiosity and reflection. It is 
 strange if among all that huge mass of words, there be not 
 somewhat intermixed for thought. Laws have been the 
 result of long deliberation, and that not of dull men, but 
 the contrary, and have so close a connection with his- 
 tory, — nay, with philosophy itself, — that they must par- 
 take a little of what they are related to so nearly. Besides, 
 tell me, have you ever made the attempt ? Was not you 
 frighted merely with the distant prospect? Had the 
 Gothic character and bulkiness of these volumes (a tenth 
 part of which, perhaps, it will be no further necessary to 
 consult than as one does a dictionary) no ill effect upon 
 your eye? Are you sure, if Coke had been printed by 
 Elzevir, and bound in twenty neat pocket volumes, in- 
 stead of one folio, you should never have taken him for an 
 hour, as you would a TuUy, or drank your tea over him ? " 
 
2S6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 COLERIDGE 
 
 must have been suffering from an under-dose of opium 
 when he wrote "The Devil's Thoughts," in which he 
 says, — 
 
 " He saw a Lawyer killing a viper 
 
 On a dung-hill hard by his own stable ; 
 And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind 
 Of Cain and his brother Abel." 
 
 There is some dispute as to whether Coleridge or 
 
 SOUTHEY 
 
 is entitled to the discredit of the foregoing. Southey 
 was very fond of writing about the Devil, and of con- 
 necting him with lawyers. Thus, in "The Alderman's 
 Funeral," in speaking of the dead man's donations to 
 charity, he calls them 
 
 " Retaining fees against the Last Assizes, 
 When for the trusted talents, strict account 
 Shall be required from all, and the old Arch-Lawyer 
 Plead his own cause as plaintiff." 
 
 In this view Southey will have an easy term at the day 
 of judgment, for he had but few talents to account for. 
 
 In "All for Love; or, a Sinner well Saved," the poet 
 represents Satan as claiming a human soul by virtue of a 
 bond signed by the unhappy mortal : — 
 
 " Mine is he by a bond, 
 Which holds him fast in law ; 
 I drew it myself for certainty ; 
 And sharper than me must the Lawyer be 
 Who in it can find a flaw." 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 257 
 
 But Basil, the bishop, defeats him by showing that the 
 bond was framed with fraudulent intent : — 
 
 " This were enough ; but more than this, 
 A maxim, as thou knowest, it is. 
 Whereof all laws partake. 
 
 That no one may of his own wrong 
 His own advantage make.'' 
 
 The Fiend gives up, beaten, and says to himself, — 
 
 " The Law thy calling ought to have been, 
 
 With that wit so ready and tongue so free, 
 
 To prove by reason, in reason's despite, 
 
 That right is wrong, and wrong is right. 
 
 And white is black, and black is white : 
 
 What a loss have I had in thee ! " 
 
 There is something delightfully absurd in the idea of 
 Southey, who has written so many dull and interminable 
 poems, reprimanding the lawyers for their verbosity. 
 But in "The Doctor" we find the following: "That 
 crafty politician, who said the use of language is to con- 
 ceal our thoughts, did not go farther in his theory than 
 the members of the legal profession in their practice ; as 
 every deed which comes from their hands may testify, 
 and every court of law bears record. You employ them 
 to express your meaning in a deed of conveyance, a mar- 
 riage settlefnent, or a will ; and they so smother it with 
 words, so envelop it with technicalities, so bury it be- 
 neath redundancies of speech, that any meaning which is 
 sought for may be picked out, to the confusion of that 
 which you intended. Something, at length, comes to be 
 contested : you go to a court of law to demand your 
 right, or you are summoned into one to defend it. You 
 
25 8 LAfV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 ask for justice, and you receive a nice distinction — 
 a forced construction, a verbal criticism. By such 
 means you are defeated and plundered in a civil cause ; 
 and in a criminal one, a slip of the pen in the indict- 
 ment brings off the criminal scot-free. As if shps of 
 the pen in such cases were always accidental ! But be- 
 cause judges are incorruptible (as, blessed be God ! they 
 still are, in this most corrupt nation), and because bar- 
 risters are not to be suspected of ever intentionally 
 betraying the cause which they are feed to defend, it is 
 taken for granted that the same incorruptibility, and the 
 same principled integrity, or gentlemanly sense of honor, 
 which sometimes is its substitute, are to be found among 
 all those persons who pass their miserable lives in quill- 
 driving, day after day, from morning till night, at a 
 scrivener's desk, or in an attorney's office ! " 
 
 Southey, however, did not object to being dubbed 
 LL.D. by Oxford. 
 
 TOM MOORE 
 
 treats of the same idea, in much the same spirit, and with 
 the same inevitable last rhyme, in "A Case of Libel." 
 He describes the Devil as coming to London, and put- 
 ting on the habiliments and demeanor of a gentleman. 
 One of the newspapers, however, warns people that he is 
 the evil one ; and the fiend takes legal advice as to his 
 rights in the premises. The result is described by the 
 poet as follows : — 
 
 " Away he posts to a man of law ; 
 
 And oh, 'twould make you laugh to've seen 'em, 
 As paw shook hand, and hand shook paw, 
 And 'twas ' Hail, good fellow, well met,' between 'em. 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 259 
 
 Straight an indictment was preferred — 
 
 And much the Devil enjoyed the jest, 
 When, looking among the judges, he heard 
 
 That of all the batch, his own was Best. 
 
 In vain Defendant proffered proof 
 That Plaintiff's self was the Father of Evil — 
 
 Brought Hoby forth to swear to the hoof, 
 And Stultz to speak to the tail of the Devil. 
 
 The Jury — saints, all snug and rich. 
 And readers of virtuous Sunday papers — 
 
 Found for the Plaintiff: on hearing which 
 The Devil gave one of his loftiest capers. 
 
 For oh, it was nuts to the father of lies 
 (As this wily fiend is named in the Bible), 
 
 To find it settled by laws so wise. 
 That the greater the truth, the worse the libel!" 
 
 Shelley was not alone in his abuse of Lord Eldon ; for 
 Moore, also, gives him his compliments in " A Vision, by 
 the Author of Christabel." The author dreams that he 
 was carried by a vicious spirit into the court of chan- 
 cery. 
 
 '• Around me flitted unnumbered swarms 
 Of shapeless, bodiless, tailless forms 
 (Like bottled-up babes that grace the room 
 Of that worthy knight, Sir Everard Home), — 
 All of them things half-killed in rearing ; 
 Some were lame — some wanted hearing; 
 Some had through half a century run. 
 Though they hadn't a leg to stand upon. 
 Others, more merry, as just beginning, 
 Around on ^ point of law were spinning ; 
 
26o LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Or balanced aloft, 'twixt Bill sxiA Answer, 
 
 Lead at each end, like a tight-rope dancer. 
 
 Some were so cross that nothing could please 'em ; 
 
 Some gulped down affidavits to ease 'em : 
 
 All were in motion, yet never a one, 
 
 Let it moite as it might, could ever move on. 
 
 ' These,' said the Spirit, ' you plainly see, 
 
 Are what are called Suits in Chancery ! ' 
 
 I looked, and I saw a wizard rise. 
 
 With a wig like a cloud before men's eyes. 
 
 In his agM hand he held a wand, 
 
 Wherewith he beckoned his embryo band ; 
 
 And they moved and moved, as he waved it o'er, 
 
 But they never got on one inch the more. 
 
 And still they kept limping to and fro, 
 
 Like Ariels round old Prospero, 
 
 Saying, ' Dear Master, let us go ; ' 
 
 But still old Prospero answered, ' No.' 
 
 And I heard the while, that wizard elf 
 
 Muttering, muttering spells to himself. 
 
 While over as many old papers he turned, 
 
 As Hume e'er moved for, or Omar burned. 
 
 He talked of his Virtue, though some, less nice 
 
 (He owned with a sigh), preferred his Vice; 
 
 And he said, ' I think ' — 'I doubt ' — 'I hope,' 
 
 Called God to witness, and damned the Pope ; 
 
 With many more sleights of tongue and hand 
 
 I couldn't, for the soul of me, understand. 
 
 Amazed and posed, I was just about 
 
 To ask his name, when the screams without, 
 
 The merciless clack of the imps within. 
 
 And that conjurer's mutterings, made such a din, 
 
 That startled, I woke — leaped up in my bed — 
 
 Found the Spirit, the imps, and the conjurer fled, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 261 
 
 And blessed my stars, right pleased to see 
 That I wasn't as yet in Chancery." 
 
 No doubt the great chancellor forgave the poet this 
 irresistibly funny banter. -If he had been like some mod- 
 ern judges, he would have brought him into chancery by 
 an injunction restraining the publication. 
 
 In "The Fudge Family in Paris," Phil. Fudge writes 
 to his brother, Tim Fudge, Esq., Barrister-at-Law, as 
 follows : — 
 
 " Who shall describe thy powers of face, 
 Thy well-fee'd zeal in every case. 
 Or wrong or right — but ten times warmer 
 (As suits thy calling) in the former — 
 Thy glorious, lawyer-like delight 
 In puzzling all that's clear and right. 
 Which, though conspicuous in thy youth, 
 
 Improves so with a wig and band on. 
 That all thy pride's to waylay Truth, 
 
 And leave her not a leg to stand on. 
 Thy patent, prime morality, — 
 
 Thy cases, cited from the Bible, — 
 Thy candor, when it falls to thee 
 
 To help in trouncing for a libel. 
 These are the virtues, Tim, that draw 
 
 The briefs into thy bag so fast ; 
 And these, O Tim! — if Law be Law — 
 
 Will raise thee to the Bench at last." 
 
 GOETHE 
 
 illustrates what Mr. Palgrave describes as the "folly of 
 obstinately retaining a law after it has outlived its use and 
 application^" as follows in Faust : — 
 
262 LAW AND LAWYERS IJSt LITERATURE. 
 
 "Laws, like inherited disease, descend: 
 They slyly wind their way from age to age, 
 And glide almost unseen from place to place. 
 Reason to nonsense grows a benefit to plague. 
 Woe unto thee, that thou a grandson art. 
 Of inborn law, to which each man has right, — 
 Of that, unfortunately, there is no question." 
 
 He makes the chancellor thus discourse of the admin- 
 istration of justice : — 
 
 " One steals a woman, one a steer, 
 
 Lights from the altar, chalice, cross, 
 Boasts of his deeds full many a year, 
 
 Unscathed in body, without harm or loss. 
 Now to the hall accusers throng ; 
 
 On cushioned seat the judge presides ; 
 
 Surging meanwhile in eddying tides, 
 Confusion waxes fierce and strong. 
 
 He may exult in crime and shame, 
 Who on accomplices depends : 
 
 Guilty ! the verdict they proclaim 
 When Innocence her cause defends. 
 
 So will the world succumb to ill, 
 And what is worthy perish quite : 
 
 How then may grow the sense which still 
 Instructs us to discern the right ? 
 E'en the right-minded man, in time, 
 
 To briber and to flatterer yields : 
 The judge, who cannot punish crime. 
 
 Joins with the culprit whom he shields." 
 
 SHELLEY. 
 
 Nothing ever written against the chancery court of 
 England equals, in intensity and bitterness, the lines of 
 Shelley "To the Lord Chancellor." The chancellor, 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 263 
 
 Lord Eldon, had decreed that the poet was not a fit 
 person to have the custody and education of his eldei 
 children, on account, I believe, of his peculiar notions 
 of religion ; and the poet poured out the vials of his 
 wrath on him and his court, commencing as follows : — 
 
 " Thy country's curse is on thee, darkest Crest 
 Of that foul, knotted, many-headed worm 
 Which rends our Mother's bosom — Priestly Pest! 
 Masked Resurrection of a buried form ! " 
 
 The Star-chamber meaning. He curses the chief big- 
 wig by nearly as many forms, and with as great ingenuity, 
 as the Catholic anathema, and among other things, 
 
 " By all the acts and snares of thy black den." 
 
 Elsewhere, in the same piece, he mildly characterizes 
 the chancery and the chancellor as 
 
 " the earth-consuming hell, 
 Of which thou art a demon.'' 
 
 It must be bad enough to be a chancellor, without 
 being cursed by a poet. 
 
 ROGERS. 
 
 The poet Rogers, in his poem " Italy," dresses up a 
 law incident very neatly, and entides it "The Bag of 
 Gold." Three banditti deposited with their hostess, Lu- 
 crezia, a bag of gold, to be delivered on the joint order 
 of the three. They departed; but one soon returned, 
 asking leave to put his seal on the bag, as the other two 
 had done, and, while the hostess's attention was momen- 
 tarily withdrawn, made off with the treasure. Of course, 
 in due time, the other two appear, and demand the gold. 
 
264 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Ruin stares the hostess in the face. No counsellor could 
 be found to advocate her cause, because she had no 
 money to pay fees. At this juncture, when the trial-day 
 was approaching, Lorenzo, inspired by love of her daugh- 
 ter, Gianetta, volunteers his services, and on the trial 
 takes the self-evident position, that as the gold was to 
 be delivered to the three, two cannot lawfully claim it. 
 His defence was successful ; and fame, and marriage with 
 the fair Gianetta, followed. The original of this story is 
 said to be found in a case of Attorney-Gen. Noy, with 
 whose client, an innkeeper, tliree drovers had made a 
 similar deposit. 
 
 "STULTIFERA NAVIS, 
 
 The Modern Ship of Fools," is the title of a little book 
 published at London in 1807, modelled upon the cele- 
 brated work of Sebastian Brandt, with the same title. It 
 has a curious colored frontispiece, representing "Fools 
 passing the Portico of Folly." Section six is addressed 
 to "Foolish ■Counsellors, Judges, and Men of Law: " — 
 
 " And can no quibble law itself excuse ; 
 Must I condemn thee, spite of all thy ruse? 
 
 A wond'rous tale my chronicle now tells ; 
 For in the place of judge's robe sedate, 
 The lawyer's garb, the wig on counsel's pate, 
 
 I view a zany's ladle, ears, and bells. 
 
 Say, what's thy judgment? pr'ythee, silly ass, 
 Brittle thyself as any Venice glass, 
 
 Dar'st thou take life which Heav'n alone can give? 
 What are thy quirks, deceitful man of law? 
 What are thy pleadings, counsel, when a flaw 
 
 Condemns the guiltless, bids the guilty live ? 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 265 
 
 Right is to thee a pleasing masquerade ; 
 Thine object hicre, justice but a trade : 
 
 The fee will win thee, be it foul or fair. 
 Browbeat the evidence, turn black to white, 
 Hoodwink the jury by sophistic flight. 
 
 Hear innocence condemned : what need'st thou care ? 
 
 Sable's thy robe, well fitted to impart 
 
 The sabler dye that stains thy callous heart, 
 
 Glutted with gold by fell extortion got. 
 Thy daring principle is j£^ alone : 
 The cries of injur'd, and the prisoner's groan, 
 
 Ne'er urge thee to commiserate their lot. 
 
 V Envoy of the Poet. 
 
 Mark o'er thine head now hangs the steady scale, 
 Pois'd in the hand supreme the balance see : 
 
 Knock at thy breast, and should stern justice fail, 
 Think on that justice which must wait on thee. 
 
 The Poefs Chorus to Fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on, each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis.'' 
 
 Section thirty-five is "of fools who go to law for 
 trifles," with the motto, " Cum licet fugere, ne quare 
 litetn :" — 
 
 " The fool who doth at trifles claw, 
 And to obtain 'em goes to law. 
 Yet having met with sad disaster. 
 Applies, to heal it, blister plaister. 
 The remedy ne'er fails to stick 
 Upon his head, so wondrous thick: 
 For if with law you once begin, 
 'Twill strip the poor man to the skin, 
 
266 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TITRE. 
 
 And from the rich alike will steal 
 Enough to make the client feel 
 Just like the sheep, that in a storm, 
 Sought 'neath the hedge a covert warm ; 
 And there, from rain and wind defended, 
 He waited till the storm was ended, 
 Then bleated out a thousand thanks. 
 And bounded blithe to sunny banks. 
 But found, though shelter'd from the wind, 
 Part of his fleece was left behind. 
 Thus, bramble-like, we find that law, 
 When once a fool gets in its jaw, 
 Though from the theft it saves his coat, 
 'Twill steal the pound and leave the groat." 
 
 COXE. 
 
 Probably the silliest poem in the English language is 
 "The Social Day," by Peter Coxe. The author, who 
 was a wealthy gentleman, seems tp have been afflicted 
 by cacoethes scribendi and an extraordinary amount of 
 vanity. He published this poem in a most sumptuous 
 form, sparing no expense in typography and illustrations. 
 The latter formed an era in English engraving ; and 
 among them was the first steel plate ever executed in 
 England, — " The Broken China Jar," after Wilkie. The 
 following extract, pertinent to our subject, will give an 
 adequate idea of the merits of the poem : — 
 
 "The law decisive has exprest. 
 Setting disputed points at rest, 
 That no learned clerk, by means of gold, 
 Can have possession of the fold 
 Formed to protect that flock from harm 
 The Saviour gathered in his arm ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 267 
 
 Taking the self-appointed station, 
 By means of purchased presentation, 
 'Till by a debt of nature paid. 
 The legal entrance has been made : 
 'Tis then he may demand possession, 
 As heir immediate in succession ; 
 Claiming, thenceforward, as his due, 
 Rectorial tithe, and right of pew. 
 No act collusive can avail. 
 No resignation bonds prevail : 
 Justice, correct, ne'er takes upon her 
 To blend her rights with those of honour. 
 Each law should be a standard measure. 
 Not shaped at will, or changed at pleasure ; 
 But fixed the assize, and public shown. 
 And then our equal rights are known : 
 And yet the courts, in blinking time. 
 Turn casuists to meet the crime. 
 Thus 'tis no crime the cures to buy 
 Before the aged incumbents die ; 
 Though trembling on the verge of death. 
 They scarce can draw their fleeting breath : 
 But if the vital spark be gone. 
 One instant fled, the crime is done; 
 Betwixt life's flame and its extinction. 
 The law assumes that nice distinction." 
 
 TENNYSON 
 
 has little to say of our subject, but he gives the very best 
 description of the common law : — 
 
 — "the lawless science of our law, 
 That codeless myriad of precedent. 
 That wilderness of single instances." 
 
268 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 IRELAND. 
 
 "Scribbleomania, or the Printer's Devil's Polychroni- 
 con, a sublime poem, edited by Anser Pendragon, Esq.," 
 is a satirical poem by W. H. Ireland, who is best, or 
 rather worst, known as the author of the famous Shak- 
 speare forgeries, which created a tremendous sensation in 
 the literary world, causing Boswell to go down on his 
 knees in thanksgiving. One chapter is devoted to juris- 
 prudence, and is as follows : — 
 
 " From culture dispelling gross ignorance dense. 
 That prescribes to our passions the curb-rein of sense; 
 From morality's rules planted deep in the breast, 
 Where goading of turpitude ne'er was impress'd, — 
 Springs love for those writers, from whom we can draw 
 The precepts of justice and source of all law : 
 Since the upright no terrors in punishment trace, 
 For the guilty alone bear the brand of disgrace. 
 Our code void of quirks in a Blackstone is seen, 
 From Burn's jurisprudence staunch precepts we glean ; 
 While our rights from Delolme are at once understood, 
 ' That freedom acquired from our forefathers' blood.^ 
 Such works fundamental for aye stand enrolled, 
 Such names should grace adamant, blazon'd in gold. 
 As a link of the bar, I with honor renown 'em. 
 And exulting with circlet unfading thus crown 'em." 
 
 Then comes the following : — 
 
 " Do we not find these lords sedate 
 Make laws themselves, so intricate. 
 That one act patches up another, 
 As rogue will rogue, because a brother? 
 In vain for verdict ye resort, 
 And come with clean hands into court ; 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 269 
 
 Since right and wrong give equal sport 
 
 To counsel, who'll cross-question so, 
 
 That whether witness will or no. 
 
 He'll surely gainsay what is sooth, 
 
 And mar with lie the naked truth. 
 
 In vain on high sits Justice scowling. 
 
 In vain poor Goddess makes a growling ; 
 
 They heed her not, but with ear clinkers 
 
 Out-argue right: as for her blinkers. 
 
 Lest their keen glance should raise a stir, 
 
 They've bound e'en up with mockinger. 
 
 An oath to him who'd truth be killing, 
 
 Is kiss the book and give a shilling; 
 
 No more nor less, for when digestion 
 
 Is strong with conscience, to each question, 
 
 Witness may cut pert counsel short, 
 
 By stating he remembers naught. 
 
 Thus what with flaws the truth defeating. 
 
 And pleader's impudent brow-beating; 
 
 Judges who vary on the case. 
 
 Good allegations out of place ; 
 
 A witness who cannot remember 
 
 If 'twas in August or December, — 
 
 In short, such ugly cross-grain'd things, 
 
 With fifty others, trial brings. 
 
 And Where's in this the wonder, pray ? 
 
 Did not a famous judge once say. 
 
 That speaking truth deserves as well 
 
 Punition, being a libel. 
 
 As he who truth doth vilify 
 
 By telling a confounded lie ? 
 
 So from that hour when truth's been stripp'd 
 
 In courts for blabbing, she's been whipp'd." 
 
2 70 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 American poets have had very little to say of our sub- 
 ject. 
 
 MRS. OSGOOD 
 
 wrote the following exquisite poem, entitled " A Flight of 
 Fancy : " — 
 
 '' At the bar of Judge Conscience stood Reason arraigned, 
 The jury impanelled — the prisoner cliained: 
 The judge was facetious at times, though severe, 
 Now waking a smile, and now drawing a tear, — 
 An old-fashioned, fidgety, queer-looking wight. 
 With a clerical air, and an eye quick as light. 
 
 ' Here, Reason, you vagabond ! look in my face : 
 I'm told you're becoming a real scapegrace. 
 They say that young Fancy, that airy coquette, 
 Has dared to fling round you her luminous net ; 
 That she ran away with you, in spite of yourself, 
 For pure love of frolic — the mischievous elf. 
 
 ' The scandal is whispered by friends and by foes, 
 And darkly they hint, too, that when they propose 
 Any question to your ear, so lightly you're led, 
 At once to gay Fancy you turn your wild head ; 
 And she leads you off in some dangerous dance, 
 As wild as the polka that galloped from France. 
 
 ' Now up to the stars with you, laughing, she springs. 
 With a whirl and a whisk of her changeable wings ; 
 Now dips in some fountain her sun-painted plume. 
 That gleams through the spray, like a rainbow in bloom ; 
 Now floats in a cloud, while her tresses of light 
 Shine through the frail boat and illumine its flight; 
 Now glides through the woodland to gather its flowers ; 
 Now darts like a flash to the sea's coral bowers ; 
 In short, cuts such capers, that with her I ween 
 It's a wonder you are not ashamed to be seen ! 
 
AS DEPICTED BY THE POETS. 2 71 
 
 ' Then, she talks such a language ! — melodious enough, 
 
 To be sure — but a strange sort of outlandish stufE ! 
 
 I'm told that it licenses many a whopper, 
 
 And when once she commences no frowning can stop her ; 
 
 Since it's new — I've no doubt it is very improper ! 
 
 They say that she cares not for order or law ; 
 
 That of you — you great dunce ! — she but makes a cat's 
 
 paw. 
 I've no sort of objection to fun in its season. 
 But it's plain that this Fancy is foo/mg' you, Reason!' 
 
 Just then into court flew a strange little sprite, 
 With wings of all colors and ringlets of light ! 
 She frolicked round Reason, till Reason grew wild, 
 Defying the court and caressing the child. 
 The judge and the jury, the clerk and recorder, 
 In vain called this exquisite creature to order ; — 
 ' Unheard of intrusion ! ' They bustled about 
 To seize her ; but wild with delight at the rout. 
 She flew from their touch like a bird from a spray. 
 And went waltzing and whirling and singing away ! 
 
 Now up to the ceiling, now down to the floor! 
 
 Were never such antics in court-house before ! 
 
 But a lawyer, well versed in the tricks of his trade, 
 
 A trap for the gay little innocent laid : 
 
 He held up a mirror j and Fancy was caught 
 
 By her image within it, so lovely she thought, — 
 
 What could the fair creature be ! — bending its eyes 
 
 On her own with so wishful a look of surprise ! 
 
 She flew to embrace it : the lawyer was ready ; 
 
 He closed round the sprite a grasp cool and steady : 
 
 And she sighed, while he tied her two luminous wings, 
 
 ' Ah ! Fancy and Falsehood are different things ! ' 
 
 The witnesses, — maidens of uncertain age. 
 With a critic, a publisher, lawyer, and sage, — 
 
272 LAfV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 All scandalized greatly at what they had heard 
 Of this poor little Fancy (who flew like a bird), 
 Were called to the stand, and their evidence gave : 
 The judge charged the jury, with countenance grave ; 
 Their verdict was ' guilty : ' and Reason looked down 
 As his honor exhorted her thus, with a frown : — 
 
 ' This Fancy, this vagrant, for life shall be chained 
 
 In your own little cell, where /o// should have remained ; 
 
 And you — for ^yi^ar punishment — jailer shall be: 
 
 Don't let your accomplice come coaxing to me ! 
 
 I'll none of her nonsense — the little wild witch ! 
 
 Nor her bribes — although rumor does say she is rich. 
 
 ' I've heard that all treasures and luxuries rare 
 
 Gather round at her bidding, from earth, sea, and air; 
 
 And some go so far as to hint, that the powers 
 
 Of darkness attend her more sorrowful hours. 
 
 But go ! ' and Judge Conscience, who never was bought. 
 
 Just bowed the pale prisoner out of the court. 
 
 'Tis said that poor Reason next morning was found 
 At the door of her cell, fast asleep on the ground, 
 And nothing within, but one plume rich and rare, 
 Just to show that young Fancy's wing once had been there. 
 She had dropped it, no doubt, while she strove to get 
 
 through 
 The hole in the lock, which she could not undo.'' 
 
 BRYANT, 
 
 who was unsuccessful as a lawyer and early abandoned 
 the profession, in his charming poem, "Green River," 
 regrets that he is 
 
 " Forced to drudge for the dregs of men, 
 And scrawl strange words with a barbarous pen." 
 
EPIGRAMS. 273 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 MARTIAL. 
 
 This Roman poet satirized the tedious and irrelevant 
 orations of lawyers, in an epigram on Postumus, an ad- 
 vocate ; the cause of action being trover for the conver- 
 sion of three kids : — 
 
 " Tu Cannas, Mithridaticumque bellum, 
 Et perjuria Punici furoris, 
 Et SuUas, Mariosque, Muciosque, 
 Magna voce sonas, manuque tota, — 
 Jam die, Postume, de tribus capellis." 
 
 This has been thus imitated by Hay : — 
 
 " My cause concerns not battery nor treason : 
 I sue my neighbor for this only reason, 
 That late three sheep of mine to pound he drove ; 
 This is the point the court would have you prove. 
 Concerning Magna Charta you run on, 
 And all the perjuries of old King John ; 
 Then of the Edwards and Black Prince you rant. 
 And talk of John o' Stiles and John o' Gant; 
 With voice and hand a mighty pother keep : 
 Now pray, dear sir, one word about the sheep." 
 
 This has been again imitated : — 
 
274 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " A weighty lawsuit I maintain : 
 'Tis for three crab-trees in a lane. 
 The trees are mine, there's no dispute; 
 But neighbour Quibble crops the fruit 
 My counsel Bawl, in studied speech, 
 Explores, beyond tradition's reach, 
 The laws of Saxons and of Danes ; 
 Whole leaves of Doomsday Book explains ; 
 The origin of tithes relates. 
 And feudal tenures of estates. 
 If now you've fairly spoke your all, 
 One word about the crab-trees. Bawl ! " 
 
 And again, in a translation from the French of La 
 Harpe : — 
 
 " About three sheep that late I lost, 
 I had a lawsuit with my neighbour ; 
 And Glibtongue, of our bar the boast, 
 Pleaded my cause with zeal and labour. 
 He took two minutes first to state 
 The question that was in debate ; 
 Then showed, by learn'd and long quotations, 
 The law of nature and of nations ; 
 What TuUy said, and what Justinian, 
 And what was Puffendorf's opinion. 
 Glibtongue, let those old authors sleep, 
 And come back to our missing sheep." 
 
 I have tried my own hand at Martial thus : — 
 
 On Cannae's fatal field, and Mithridate's war, 
 
 And all the perjuries of Carthaginian fury, 
 
 And SuUas, Mariuses, Muciuses, by the score, 
 
 With loud voice and sweeping hand you harangue the jury. 
 
 Your rhetoric irrelevant good sense forbids : 
 
 The action, Postumus, is trover foi' three kids. 
 
EPIGRAMS. 275 
 
 The following is to Rufus, on a pretended lawyer : — 
 
 " He whose left arm loaden with books you see, 
 And throng'd with busy clerks to that degree, 
 Whose face composed attentively does hear 
 Causes and suits poured in at either ear, 
 Most like a Cato, TuUy, or a Brutus, 
 If put upon the rack, could not salute us, 
 In Latin, with 'good-morning,' nor in Greek ; 
 And if thou doubt the truth, let's to him speak." 
 
 To Gargilianus : — 
 
 " For twice ten years you to the hall resort. 
 And now pursue your cause in the third court : 
 Would any madman let a process last 
 For twenty years, who sooner could be cast ? " 
 
 Thus imitated : — 
 
 " Full twenty years through all the courts. 
 One craving process George supports. 
 You're mad, George — twenty years ! you're mad : 
 A nonsuit's always to be had." 
 
 The three courts were the old Roman court, that of 
 Julius Csesar, and that of Augustus. The following is to 
 Titus : — 
 
 " Thou urgest me to plead, and dost repeat, 
 ' How great the gain when you the wrong defeat ! ' 
 That which the ploughman does is also great." 
 
 But the ploughman has to share his gains. 
 
 " Cinna, is this to plead ? and wisely say 
 Only nine words in ten hours of the day ? 
 But with a mighty voice thou cravs't for thee 
 The hour-glass twice two times reversed to be. 
 Cinna, how great's thy taciturnity ! " 
 
276 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 To Naevolus : — 
 " Still in a crowd of noise thy voice is heard, 
 Thou think'st thyself a lawyer for thy prattle : 
 In this account each man that wears a beard 
 May be as wise. Lo, all men peace ! Now prattle." 
 
 " Seven glasses, Cecilian, thou loudly did'st crave : 
 Seven glasses the judge full reluctantly gave. 
 Still thou bawl'st, and bawl'st on, and as ne'er to bawl off, 
 Tepid water in bumpers supine dost thou quaff. 
 That thy voice and thy thirst at a time thou may'st slake, 
 We entreat from the glass of old Chronos thou take." 
 
 I.e., drink from the water-clock itself. 
 
 " You said, ten guineas when- your cause was done : 
 What ! do you think to fob me off with one ? 
 Now you pretend that I could nothing say — 
 The more you owe, my blushes to repay." 
 
 On a lawyer turned farmer : — 
 
 " A little farm you purchase near the town. 
 With a poor timber house, just dropping down. 
 And business quit, a better farm by far — 
 I mean the certain profits of the bar. 
 Of wheat, oats, beans, and barley, large supplies 
 The lawyer got; which now the farmer buys." 
 
 PETRONIUS ARBITER, 
 
 " Quisquis habet nummos secura naviget aura 
 
 Fortunamque suo temperet arbitrio. 
 Uxorem ducat Danaen, ipsumque licebit 
 
 Acrisiura jubeat credere, quod Danaen. 
 Carmina componat, declamet, concrepet, omnes 
 
 Et peragat causas, sitque Catone prior. 
 Juris consultus paret, non paret, habeto, 
 
 Atque esto, quidquid Servius et Labeo. 
 
EPIGRAMS. 277 
 
 ■ Multa loquor : quidvis nummis prasentibus opta ; 
 Et veniet : clausum possidet area Jovem." 
 
 I have tried my hand at the above as follows : — 
 
 He who has wealth may sail with fav'ring wind, 
 
 And temper Fortune's laws to suit his mind ; 
 
 In Danae's lap may pour the golden shower, 
 
 And satisfy Acrisius with the dower ; 
 
 Make laws, declaim, his fingers snap, despatch 
 
 All suits, and Cato's dignity o'ermatch. 
 
 Let lawyers say, / see, or / don^t see. 
 
 And be, like Servius, his who pays most fee. 
 
 Ask what you please ; 'twill come for ready pelf: 
 
 The money-box encloses Jove himself. 
 
 By Sir John Davies : — 
 
 " Publius, student at the common law. 
 
 Oft leaves his books, and for his recreation 
 To Paris Garden doth himself withdraw. 
 
 Where he is ravisht with such delectation. 
 As downe among the bears and dogs he goes, 
 
 Where, whilst he skipping cries, to head, to head, 
 His satten doublet and his velvet hose 
 
 Are all with spittle from above bespread. 
 When he is like his father's country hall. 
 
 Stinking with dogges, and muted all with hawkes ; 
 And rightly, too, on him this filth doth fall. 
 
 Which for such filthy sports his bookes forsakes, 
 Leaving old Ploydon, Dier, and Brooke alone, 
 
 To see old Harry Hunks and Sacarson." ' 
 
 The next four are from " Fasciculus Florum, or a 
 Nosegay of Flowers, translated out of the Garden of sev- 
 eral Poets and other Authors." London, 1636 : — 
 
 > Names of two celebrated bears. 
 
278 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATUHE. 
 
 " This kind of course much profit doth them draw 
 Their purple and their jewels sell their law; 
 So needful 'tis with greater voice to live, 
 And greater show, that men large Fees may give." 
 
 The following verses, translated from Latin, were pre- 
 sented to learned King James in Bacon's time, and 
 gained at his royal hands the poor delayed suitor the 
 quick despatch of his cause : — 
 
 " Thy great Seales, faithfull Keeper, thou dids't send 
 Vnto (great King) my honest cause to end : 
 My Cause he well decreed, but Seale still lackes ; 
 So had I Honey, but without the Wax : 
 Grant me (my Liege) in favour of my case, 
 T' enjoy the whole Hive of your Princely Grace." 
 
 "The Satyricall Poet" complains of the corruption of 
 lawyers in his time : — 
 
 " If my unhonest Neighbour seize my Lands, 
 And Fields of my Forefathers to his hands, 
 Dig up the sacred Mere-stone, th' ancient Bound 
 Of mine inheritance, and Grand-sires Ground, 
 Whereon with Pulse and hallow'd Wafer Cake, 
 A yearly Sacrifice I wont to make ; 
 
 Or being my Debtor, though damnably 
 Forswear the Debt, or payment mee deny, 
 Vowing the Bill under his hand and Seal 
 Is Counterfeit, not worth a cockle-shell, — 
 Yet I am forced to stay a year from hence, 
 Till Time the People's Common Pleas commence ; 
 When that time comes, I then must all's abide 
 A thousand trifling put off tricks beside." 
 
 This, I think, is imitated from Martial : — 
 
EPIGRAMS. 279 
 
 " Get thee to Gallia or to Africa, 
 The nurse of Lawyers, if thee list to lay 
 Thy Tongue to pawn, and plead for muckle meed, 
 And hire out thy voice at a good price indeed." 
 
 Epitaph on the gravestone of an attorney in St. Pan- 
 eras churchyard : — 
 
 " Here lieth one, deny it if you can, 
 Who, though a lawyer, was an honest man : 
 The gates of heav'n to him are open wide, 
 But shut, alas ! to all the tribe beside." 
 
 An imitation : — 
 
 " Entomb'd within this vault a Lawyer lies. 
 Who Fame assureth us was just and wise. 
 An able advocate, and honest too : 
 That's wondrous strange indeed — if it be true." 
 
 Another epitaph : — 
 
 " Hie jacet Jacobus Straw, 
 Who forty years foUow'd the law; 
 
 And when he dy'd. 
 
 The Devil cry'd, 
 Jemmy, give us your paw." 
 
 On an insolvent barrister : — 
 
 "Without effect is nolo pros. 
 
 How happens this? cries one, and pauses: 
 His palm no fees were known to cross ; 
 Effects can only spring from causes." 
 
 Proposed inscription for the Inner-Temple Gate, Lon- 
 don : -~ 
 
 " As by the Templars' holds you go. 
 The korse and lamb displayed. 
 
28o LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In emblematic figures show 
 The merits of their trade, 
 
 That clients may infer from thence 
 How just is their profession : 
 
 The lamb sets forth their innocence, 
 The horse their expedition. 
 
 O happy Britons ! happy isle ! 
 
 Let foreign nations say : 
 Where they get justice without guile, 
 
 And law without delay." 
 
 Answer to the above : — 
 
 " Deluded men, these holds forego. 
 Nor trust such cunning elves : 
 These artful emblems tend to show 
 Their clients, not themselves. 
 
 'Tis all a trick, these all are shams. 
 By which they mean to cheat you ; 
 
 But have a care, for you're the lambs, 
 And they the wolves that eat you. 
 
 Nor let the thoughts of no delay 
 To these their courts invite you : 
 
 'Tis you're the showy horse, and they 
 The jockeys that will ride you." 
 
 This has been better thus expressed : — 
 
 " Your clients speciously you've plied, 
 But time will soon impress 'em : 
 The horse denotes you mean to ride. 
 The lamb you mean to fleece 'em." 
 
 Pickwickian quarrels : — 
 
EPIGRAMS. 281 
 
 " Two lawyers, when a knotty cause was o'er, 
 Shook hands, and were as friendly as before : 
 ' Zounds ! ' said the client, ' I would fain know how 
 You can be friends, who were such foes just now?' 
 ' Thou fool ! ' said one, ' we lawyers, though so keen, 
 Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between ! '" 
 
 An attorney's heir : — 
 
 "The father took it of the Devil, and then 
 Gave it his son — to send it back again." 
 
 A country quarter-sessions, — Swift : — 
 
 " Three or four parsons full of October ; 
 Three or four squires, between drunk and sober ; 
 Three or four lawyers ; three or four liars; 
 Three or four constables ; three or four criers ; 
 Three or four parishes, bringing appeals ; 
 Three or four writings, and three or four seals ; 
 Three or four bastards, and three or four whores ; 
 Tag, rag, and bobtail, three or four scores; 
 Three or four statutes misunderstood ; 
 Three or four paupers, all praying for food ; 
 Three or four roads that never were mended ; 
 Three or four scolds, and the sessions are ended." 
 
 "How comes it that Quibus should pass for a witi" 
 He sold what he spoke, and he bought what he writ." 
 
 By Lord Neaves : — 
 
 " We grease the axle that it may not creak : 
 We grease the lawyer's palm to make him speak." 
 
 Advantage of Impecuniosity : — 
 
 " Clients returning, before thieves may sing ; 
 For back from London they can't money bring." 
 
282 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 The Consequences of the Fall : — 
 
 " From Adam's fall behold what sad disasters ! 
 Both us and ours it sells to various masters, — 
 Our souls to Priests, our body to the Doctors, 
 Our lands and goods to Pleaders and to Proctors." 
 
 By Furetifere. On a statue of Justice removed into the 
 market-place : — 
 
 " Q. Tell me why Justice meets our eye, 
 Raised in the marlcet-place on high ? 
 A. The reason, friend, may soon be told: 
 'Tis meant to show she's to be sold." 
 
 By Guillaume des Autelz : — 
 
 " Blindfold is Justice drawn, for this, 
 To show she's random, hit or miss ; 
 A sword she bears, — bugbear for those 
 Sans wit or wealth to ward its blows ; 
 The pair of scales she's made to hold 
 Makes sure that all she gets is sterling gold." 
 
 From Baraton : — 
 
 " ' Call silence ! ' the Judge to the officer cries : 
 ' This hub-hub and talk, will it never be done ? 
 Those people this morning have made such a noise, 
 We've decided ten causes without hearing one.' " 
 
 On the Law of Libel : — 
 
 " Our statesmen all boast that in matters of treason. 
 The law of old England is founded on reason ; 
 But they own that when libel comes under its paw, 
 It is rarely indeed that there's reason in law." 
 
 "You may say certain spades are black, 
 And you may call a spade a spade ; 
 
EPIGRAMS. 283 
 
 But if you name a quack a quack, 
 
 By law of libel you are flayed. 
 The ace of spades you deem an ace, 
 
 No legal terrors then you brave ; 
 But 'tis with cards alone the case, 
 
 That you may call a knave a knave." 
 
 On a Briefless Barrister : — 
 
 " If to reward them for their various evil. 
 All lawyers go hereafter to the Devil, 
 So little mischief thou dost from the laws, 
 Thou'lt surely go below without a cause.'' 
 
 On the statue in Clement's Inn of a negro supporting 
 a sun-dial : — 
 
 " In vain, poor sable son of woe. 
 
 Thou seek'st the tender tear ; 
 For thee, alas ! it still must flow. 
 
 For mercy dwells not here. 
 From Cannibals thou fled'st in vain. 
 
 Lawyers less quarter give : 
 The first won't eat you till you're slain, 
 
 The last will do't alive." 
 
 " The law decides questions of Metim and Tuum, 
 By kindly arranging to make the thing Siitim" 
 
 "When we've nothing to dread from the law's sternest 
 frowns. 
 How we smile at the barristers' wigs, bands, and gowns ; 
 But no sooner we want them to sue or defend. 
 Than their laughter begins, and our mirth's a' an end." 
 
 By Jekyll : — 
 
 " The sergeants are a grateful race ; 
 Their dress and language show it : 
 
284 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Their purple robes from Tyre we trace, 
 Their arguments go to it." 
 
 On a part of St. Mary's Church at Oxford being con- 
 verted into a law-school : — 
 
 " Yes, yes, you may rail at the Pope as you please, 
 But trust me that miracles never will cease. 
 See here — an event that no mortal suspected ! 
 See Law and Divinity closely connected ! 
 Which proves the old proverb, long reckon'd so odd, 
 That the nearer the church the farther from God." 
 
 Seven good things requisite before going to law : — 
 
 "Dear Tom, take advice, nor commit z. faux pas j 
 As you travel through life, never get into law : 
 The odds are against you a million to one, 
 'Tis a horse to a hen that you're quickly undone ; 
 And if there's no help, and to law you must go, 
 Indispensables seven 'tis fit you should know. 
 And first you'll be wise to reflect well and pause. 
 And be sure, ere you stir, you have a good cause. 
 Like your cause, your attorney should also be good — 
 A sine qua non — it is well understood. 
 Your jury besides must be good and not packed. 
 And by a good counsel your cause must be backed : 
 A good witness and staunch, too, you'll certainly need ; 
 If in this point you fail, Tom, you cannot succeed. 
 To make all secure, ere an inch more you budge, 
 You'll be lost if you haven't a very good judge. 
 These are six needful things ; yet fast you'll be stuck. 
 And still lose your cause, if you haven't good luck.'' 
 
 On the Lord Advocate : — 
 
 " He clenched his pamphlets in his fist, 
 He quoted and he hinted, 
 
EPIGRAMS. 285 
 
 Till in a declamation mist, 
 
 His argument he tint it ; 
 He gaped for't, he grasped for't, 
 
 He found it was awa', man ; 
 But what his common sense came short, 
 
 He eked out wi' law, man." 
 
 The D3dng Lawyer : — 
 
 " Old Quillit, his race upon earth almost run, 
 Thus sagely advised his too diffident son : 
 ' Like a true limb of law, would you live at your ease. 
 Ne'er boggle on any side, lad, to take fees ; 
 Keep clear of a noose, though you merit to swing. 
 And be sure to sell justice for what it will bring.' — 
 ^Sell justice ! ' retorted his wondering heir, 
 ' A thing of such value, so precious, so rare. 
 The cement of society, honour's best band — 
 Sell justice ? ' — ' Ay, sell it, and that out of hand, 
 You extravagant rascal ! If 'tis as you say, 
 A thing of such price, would you give it away ? ' " 
 
 On a Briefless Barrister, recovered from illness : — 
 
 " On his sick-bed as Simple lay, — 
 
 A novice in the laws, — 
 The hopeless youth was heard to say, 
 ' How cruel to be snatched away. 
 
 And die without a cause ! ' 
 Jove, pitying, hears : his gracious nod 
 
 The youth from death reprieves. 
 Yet, with submission to the god. 
 His case is still extremely odd, — 
 
 Without a cause he lives." 
 
 A Verbal Distinction : — 
 
 " A counsel once of talents vain, 
 A Quaker rudely treated. 
 
286 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Who often in his story plain 
 The word ' also ' repeated. 
 
 ' Also ! ' said Brief, with sneering wit, 
 ' Won't likewise do as well ? ' — 
 
 ' No, friend ; but if thou wilt permit, 
 Their difference I will tell. 
 
 ' Scarlett's a counsel learned, we know, 
 
 Whose talents oft surprise : 
 Thou art a counsel, friend, also, 
 
 But surely not like-wise^ " 
 
 From the Latin of Bocchius : — 
 
 " Alexander in judgment was sitting one day, 
 And was seen with his right ear attention to pay 
 To the plaintiff, but purposely block up the way 
 
 To the left with his finger. Said he 
 To his retinue, asking him why this was done, 
 'My other ear, sure, if the plaintiff gets one, 
 
 The defendant's a right to have free.' " 
 
 The next two are from "Sat3Ticall Epigrams," com- 
 piled by Henry Hutton, 1621 : — 
 
 An Action of the Case : — 
 
 " Shouldring a minstrell in a lane I broke 
 His vioU's case by an unlucky stroke ; 
 Who swore he would complaine, to vent his grudge. 
 And what care I what any law will judge ? 
 For why : I will maintaine it face to face, 
 'T can be no more but th' action of the case." 
 
 In Causidicum : — 
 
 " Causidicus wears patch'd cloathes, some bruit, 
 And must do so, for he has nere a suite." 
 
EPIGRAMS. 287 
 
 The Suit Ended : — 
 
 " Ten pence recovered ! ten pounds spent in cost I 
 You say I've gained my suit: I say I've lost." 
 
 Two of a trade : — 
 
 " How fitly joined, the lawyer and his wife ! 
 He moves at bar, and she at home, the strife." 
 
 I translate the next epitaph from the French of 
 Borde : — 
 
 " Here lies a law solicitor profoundly wise, 
 
 Who seventy years to pillage others' goods descended. 
 He mourns, if from the other world he recognize 
 That you read free of charge these lines for him in- 
 tended." 
 
 From the Greek of Lucillius : — 
 
 " I lost a little pig, an ox, a goat. 
 For which you, Menecles, received a groat, 
 In small retainer — neither I nor these 
 Have aught in common with Orthryades : 
 My thieves I trace not to Thermopyla ; 
 Against Eutychides is this our plea : 
 Why Xerxes bring again on Grecian grounds ? 
 And Lacedaemon with my loss confound ? 
 The facts, the law, or else 1 raise loud cries — 
 So iVIenecles \ — the rest my pig supplies." 
 
 The above reminds us of Martial. The next two are 
 from the Greek of Agathias : — 
 
 " Blind to law's use and wont. Fool ! not to know 
 That we to men corrupt must judgment owe : 
 Thou boasted thy shrewd eloquence, whose fire 
 Knows in best words right issue to inspire. 
 
288 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Hope on ! I pardon thee ; but vain and strange, 
 Thy genius serves not Themis' course to change." 
 
 A judgment as profound as Bunsby's : — 
 
 " A poor man a learned sergeant sought and saw, 
 And questioned him upon this point of law: 
 ' My slave-girl ran away ; her some one found, 
 And knowing her another's chattel, bound 
 In marriage to his man, to whom she gave 
 Issue : of whom now is that issue slave ? ' 
 He ponder'd, and deep por'd in many a book. 
 Then, turning his arch'd brow, with solemn look, 
 ' To you or him who has the slave-girl now, 
 Her issue here in case as slave must bow : 
 But seek out some wise judge ; you'll quickly gain 
 His weightier voice, if true what you explain.' " 
 
 Another version of the same : — 
 
 " A plaintiff thus explained his cause 
 To counsel learned in the laws: 
 ' My bond-maid lately ran away. 
 And in her fliglit was met by A, 
 Who, knowing she belonged to me, 
 Espoused her to his servant B. 
 The issue of this marriage, pray. 
 Do they belong to me or A ? ' 
 The Lawyer, true to his vocation. 
 Gave signs of deepest cogitation, 
 Look'd at a score of books, or near, 
 Then hemm'd, and said, 'Your case is clear: 
 Those children, so begot by B 
 Upon your bond-maid, must, you see. 
 Be yours or A's. Now this I say, 
 They can't be yours if they to A 
 
EPIGRAMS. 289 
 
 Belong : it follows then, of course, 
 That if they are not his, they're yours. 
 Therefore, by my advice, in short, 
 You'll take the opinion of the court.' " 
 
 From the Greek of Nicardeus : — 
 
 " Two persons deaf as posts invok'd the laws ; 
 A judge than either deafer tried the cause : 
 One said the other owed him five months' rent. 
 One that all night in mill-work he had spent. 
 ' Wherefore contend ye .'' ' frowning said the Court, 
 ' Of both the mother, both must her support.' " 
 
 This was translated into Latin by Sir Thomas More. 
 Another version of the same : — 
 
 " A deaf man cited his deaf neighbour 
 
 Before a judge as deaf, to ground 
 A debt unpaid for quarter's labour : 
 
 Defendant swore, so far from sound. 
 That mites were swarming in the cheese. 
 
 The judge, whose mind suspended stood, 
 At last decreed the marriage good. 
 
 And then dismissed them both to pay the fees." 
 
 From Borbonius : — 
 
 " A thief once consulted a lawyer of note, 
 How best to ensure from the halter his throat. 
 Said the sage, as he pocketed gravely his fee, 
 ' Run away if you can, and perhaps you'll be free.' " 
 
 On the Law of Custom, founded on fact. From an 
 obscure Albany poet : — 
 
 " A western New- York judge of sterling mental stuff, 
 Of shaven upper lip, of manners coarse and rough, 
 
290 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Disdaining all such foppery as clean apparel, 
 
 Once with a young attorney sought to pick a quarrel, 
 
 And with ill-timed severity in court did lash 
 
 Th' offending youth because he sported a mustache, — 
 
 Saying, ' Young man, that dirty hair about your mouth 
 
 You didn't wear till you from Buffalo went south, 
 
 And left plain folks like us for the metropolis.' 
 
 The bashful but deserving youth blushed deep at this, 
 
 But held his tongue, and bowing low to the rebuke, 
 
 Waited till summing up, when thus revenge he took: 
 
 ' The point is, gentlemen, whether a custom's proved. 
 
 With reference to which these parties are supposed 
 
 T' have contracted, — one, 'tis said, to Buffalo, 
 
 Peculiar and unknown as further south you go. 
 
 Such case may easily be, for from his honor's talk 
 
 You learn what's strange to you is common in New York. 
 
 With us they let the beard grow on the upper lip. 
 
 But this subjects one here to a judicial nip ; 
 
 No custom's universal, but customs vary 
 
 With each degree of latitude in which you tarry ; 
 
 A New-York judge takes pride in keeping free from dirt — 
 
 Not so with judges here— -look at his honor's shirt!' 
 
 The bar with loud applause greeting this pithy one, 
 
 Acknowledged G r met his match in F n.'' 
 
 The next seven are from "Recreation for Ingenious 
 Head-Pieces, or a Pleasant Grove for their Wits to Walk 
 in," etc. London, 1667 : — 
 
 " Loquax, to hold thy tongue would do thee wrong. 
 For thou wouldst be no man but for thy tongue." 
 
 " If Lawyers had for Term a tearm of war, 
 Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers are ; 
 But here's the difference 'tween Guns and Gowns, 
 These take good Angels, th' other take crackt Crowns:^ 
 
EPIGRAMS. 291 
 
 " Our Civil Law doth seem a Royal thing, 
 It hath more titles than the Spanish king; 
 But yet the Common Law quite puts it down, 
 In getting, like the Pope, so many a Crown." 
 
 " A lusty old gown-grave, gray-headed Sire, 
 Stole to a wench to quench his lust's desire : 
 She ask'd him what profession he might be ? 
 I am a Civil Lawyer, girle (quoth he). 
 A Civil Lawyer, Sir ! you make me muse. 
 Your talk's too broad for civil men to use : 
 If Civil Lawyers are such bawdy men, 
 O what (quoth she) are other Lawyers then?" 
 
 " Law serves to keep disordered men in aw. 
 But Aw preserves orders and keeps the Law: 
 Were Aw away L {aw)yers would lyers be 
 For Lucre, which they have and hold in fee" 
 
 " To go to Law I have no maw, 
 Although my suite be sure ; 
 For I shall lack suits to my back, 
 Ere I my suit procure.'' 
 
 Upon Anne's marriage with a Lawyer : — 
 
 "Anne is an Angel — what if so she be ? 
 What is an Angel but a Lawyer's fee ? " 
 
 The next twenty-six are from Owen's Latin Epi- 
 grams : — 
 
 " If happy's he who knows of things the cause. 
 How happy thou Cause-Pleader with Applause." 
 
 " Lawyers are prudent, provident beside ; 
 For prudently they for Themselves provide." 
 
292 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " Physicians and Lawyers in their Trade 
 Are like, their gain of others' loss is made : 
 To Patients these, to Clients those, apply 
 Their helping hand, and help themselves thereby." 
 
 " A man lies with a Wife, which is his own. 
 Whom he supposed Another's, till 'twas known : 
 Whether the Child by such mistake begot, 
 Be spurious, legitimate, or not ? " 
 
 " No Terms determine, no Vacations vain. 
 Thou wholly Vacant art, by Strifes to gain." 
 
 " Rome had one God, called Terminus of old ; 
 But Westminster more Terms than one doth hold." 
 
 To the Lord Chancellor : — 
 
 " Lest Force, the greatest Enemy to Law, 
 Should violate it, Law keeps Force in awe ; 
 But thou the Law's Extreams hast pow'r t' abate, 
 And in the Chancery to moderate." 
 
 " Thou pleadest for thyself, not client ; he 
 Not for himself, but brings his Gold for thee : 
 The certain Laws uncertain Causes cross ; 
 Thou sure of gain, thy Client's sure of loss." 
 
 " Pontilian, thee Christ'pher sues at Law ; 
 Not thee, but money 'tis from thee to draw." 
 
 To a Lawyer : — 
 
 " Part of thy Life thou to thy wife dost give, 
 Part to thy Client : When to thyself wilt live ? " 
 
 "Thou shalt not steal, this Law's for Lawyers writ: 
 Thou shalt not kill, this for Physician's fit." 
 
EPIGRAMS. 293 
 
 " Though Cicero call Law the sum of Reason, 
 And that Law's best which thence proceeds in season : 
 Few Lawyers are Logicians ; use Example, 
 The Laws and Statutes are of either Temple.'' 
 
 The Four Terms at Law : — 
 
 " The first Term's from St. Michael declar'd, 
 For now the Arch-Angel' doth the Lawyer guard : " 
 The next is Hilary ; this Term doth cause 
 The Lawyers hilarity by the Laws. 
 The third from Easter feast its title took : 
 The Lawyer's Dockets are like the Easter Book.^ 
 The fourth Term's called Trinity ; but why ? 
 Because each cause hath a Triplicity." 3 
 
 " Wert not cause-maker, thou, thy need to serve. 
 Thou, no cause-pleader, might'st for hunger starve." 
 
 " Kings, Shepherds ; People, Sheep ; Laws, Fodder, are : 
 For sick Sheep, Doctors, Kings, Law's cure prepare." 
 
 " I many Penal statutes, Fronto, saw, 
 But not one Premial in all your Law : 
 Laws Penal, Premial, support a state ; 
 This age hath lost the last : the first's in date." 
 
 " Hast care to cure, and to secure thy cause ? 
 Incline then. Client, to thy Lawyer's Laws." 
 
 "God t' Adam gave a Law before his Sin: 
 III manners, therefore, all Laws brought not in." 
 
 " A Judge, who to be just, on bribes doth look. 
 Is like a Fish, which, while it takes, is took." 
 
 ' The gold coin, ^ The parson's Easter Book. 3 Client, lawyer, judge. 
 
294 I-^W AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " We have one Advocate in Heav'n, saith Paul : 
 Are no more Advocates within that Hall ? " 
 
 " We many Laws have made, almost not any ; 
 For if not any kept, what's good so many ? 
 That Laws be kept, this one more Law ordain, 
 Which, if soon marr'd, will soon be made again." 
 
 " Wonder'st the Judges' Ears are shut to thee, 
 When unto them thine hands not open be ? " 
 
 " If Judge to thee be deaf, thy cause is lost ; 
 Thy gain is vain Experience with cost : 
 'Tis better Judges please than plead the Laws ; 
 Those before them indulge unto thy Cause." 
 
 " If mortals would as nature dictates live, 
 They need not Fees to the Physicians give : 
 If men were wise, they need not have their Cause 
 Pleaded, prolong'd by th' ambiguous Laws. 
 So Bartolus might (Feeless) go to bed. 
 And mice corrode Hippocrates unread." 
 
 " The way to Law than Justice more we trace, 
 Though this the shorter, that's the longer. Race." 
 
 " To take a thing without the Lord's consent 
 Is theft. What if the lady be content? " 
 
 This is from Thomas Pecke's " Heroick Epigrams," 
 London, 1659 : — 
 
 " The study of the Laws did Galba please 
 Better than other charming Sciences. 
 When Princes want the Knowledge of the Law, 
 'Tis Tyranny, not Reason, keeps in Awe." 
 
EPIGRAMS. 295 
 
 By the same : — 
 
 " Law is a well. 
 Men are the thirsty buckets, wWch receive 
 More or less Water, as Reason gives Leave. 
 There's an Eternal Spring." 
 
 " Certain set forms, fixt in the Memory, 
 Almost accomplish for the chancery." 
 
 From Sir Walter Raleigh's " Pilgrimage : " — 
 
 "From thence to Heaven's bribeless Hall, 
 Where no corrupted voices brawl, 
 No Conscience molten into Gold, 
 No forg'd Accuser bought or sold. 
 No cause deferr'd, no vain-spent journey ; 
 For there Christ is the King's attorney, 
 Who pleads for all without degrees ; 
 And he hath Angels, but no Fees : 
 And when the grand twelve million Jury 
 Of our sins, with direfuU fury, 
 
 'Gainst our Souls black verdicts give, 
 Christ pleads his Death, and then we live. 
 Be thou my Speaker, taintless Pleader, 
 Unblotted Lawyer, true Proceeder! 
 Thou giv'st Salvation even for Alms, — 
 Not with a bribed Lawyer's Palms.'' 
 
 On seeing a law-book, bound in uncolored calf, and 
 white edges : — 
 
 " With unstain'd edges and in spotless calf, 
 A Law bock bound must make a stoic laugh ; 
 For in that striking emblem you may see 
 Not what the law is, but what the Law should be : 
 A Law book thus in the Law Livery drest, 
 Is like a Jesuit in a Layman's vest ; 
 
296 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 'Tis like a strumpet cloath'd in spotless white ; 
 'Tis like a bitter apple, fair to sight ; 
 'Tis like a simple Quaker, plain and neat, 
 That with his yeas and noes is sure to cheat ; 
 'Tis like a pirate that false colours shows, 
 Or Hecla's flames concealed in virgin snows ; 
 'Tis like, in short, 'tis like Dan Milton's sin, 
 All fair without, but monstrous foul within." 
 
 " A Justice, walking o'er the frozen Thames, 
 The ice about him round began to crack : 
 He said to's man, 'Here is some danger, James; 
 I pr'ythee, help me over on thy back.' " 
 
 On a counsellor having his hat stolen in Westminster 
 Hall : — 
 
 " Should'st thou to Justice, honest thief, be led, 
 Swear that you stole his hat who had no head : 
 That plea alone all danger shall remove. 
 Nor judge nor jury can the damage prove." 
 
 By Mrs. Madan, in her brother's " Coke upon Lyttle- 
 ton:" — 
 
 " O thou, who labour'st in this rugged mine, 
 May'st thou to gold th' unpolished ore refine ! 
 May each dark page unfold its haggard brow ! 
 Doubt not to reap, if thou canst bear to plough. 
 To tempt thy care, may each revolving night 
 Maces and purses swim before thy sight ! 
 From hence, in times to come, adventurous deed! 
 May'st thou essay to look and speak like Mead! 
 When the black bag and rose no more shall shade 
 With martial air the honours of thy head ; 
 When the full wig thy visage shall enclose, 
 And only leave to view thy learned nose, — 
 
EPIGRAMS. 297 
 
 Safely may'st thou defy wits, beaux, and scoffers, 
 While tenants, in fee simple, stuff thy coffers ! " 
 
 Epitaph on a magistrate who had formerly been a 
 barber : — 
 
 " Here lies Justice : be this his truest praise ; 
 He wore the wig which once he made, 
 And learnt to shave both ways." 
 
 From Herrick : — 
 
 " Dead falls the cause, if once the hand be mute ; 
 But let that speak, the client gets the suit." 
 
 By the Earl of Orrery : — 
 
 " For that is made a righteous law by time. 
 Which law at first did judge the highest crime." 
 
 "Tua Cczsar JEtas " was Justice Aston's motto on 
 the rings which he distributed on being made a judge of 
 the king's bench ; this epigram was thereupon made : — 
 
 " All, all, is Caesar's, new-rob'd Aston cries : 
 All, all, is Caesar's, the King's Bench replies. 
 Poor people, you have nothing left, we see, 
 Since all is Cassar's \vhich belong'd to me." 
 
 Epitaph from the Latin of Theodore Beza : — 
 
 " O fickle Fortune, cruel, heartless jade ! 
 This brawler who his voice his fortune made, 
 Summoned to plead in Rhadamanthus' court, 
 Finds what he sold before must now be bought." 
 
 By Swift : — 
 
 " Here lies Judge Boate within a coffin : 
 Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffing. 
 
298 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 A Boat a judge ! yes, where's the blunder ? 
 A wooden judge is no such wonder. 
 And in his robes, you must agree, 
 No boat was better deckt than he. 
 'Tis needless to describe him fuller : 
 In short, he was an able skuUer." 
 
 Anonymous : — 
 
 " Here lies Lawyer Lag, in a woeful condition. 
 Who once was a law-man, now turn'd politician ; 
 Alive, he a Templar was, keeping his terms.; 
 And dead, he makes one in the Diet of Worms." 
 
 " He practiced virtue, pleaded for the right. 
 And ran the race that all men try to win : 
 He lightened many an over-burdened wight ; 
 And if a stranger came, he took him in." 
 
 By Ben Jonson : — 
 
 " No cause, nor client fat, will Cheveril leese ; 
 But as they come, on both sides he takes fees, 
 And pleaseth both ; for while he melts his grease 
 For this, that wins for whom he holds his peace." 
 
 By Lindsay (a friend of Dean Swift ; a judge, and an 
 elegant scholar) : — 
 
 "A slave to crowds, scorch 'd with the summer's heats, 
 In courts the wretched lawyer toils and sweats ; 
 While smiling Nature, in her best attire, 
 Regales each sense, and vernal joys inspire. 
 Can he who knows that real good should please. 
 Barter for gold his liberty and ease ? ' 
 Thus Paulus preach'd : When, entering at the door. 
 Upon his board his clients pour the ore. 
 He grasps the shining gifts, pores o'er the cause, 
 Forgets the sun, and dozes o'er the laws." 
 
EPIGRAMS. 299 
 
 Pope thus translates Boileau's famous oyster case (see 
 ,215): — 
 
 " Once (says an author, where I need not say), 
 Two travelers found an oyster in their way: 
 Both fierce, both hungry, the dispute grew strong ; 
 While, scale in hand, dame Justice pass'd along. 
 Before her each with clamor pleads the laws, 
 Explain'd the matter, and would win the cause. 
 Dame Justice, weighing long the doubtful right, 
 Takes, opens, swallows it before their sight. 
 The cause of strife remov'd so rarely well, 
 ' There, take (says Justice), take ye each a shell. 
 We thrive at Westminster on fools like you : 
 'Twas a fat oyster — live in peace — Adieu.' 
 
 , ' " 
 
 "UNION IS STRENGTH." 
 
 The following epigram was made at the expense of 
 four lawyers who were in the habit of going together in 
 one coach to Westminster Hall for a shiUing the load : — 
 
 " Causidici cum felices quatuor uno 
 
 Quoque die repetunt limina nota fori. 
 Quanta sodalitium prestabit commoda ! cui non 
 Contingerint socii cogitur ire pedes." 
 
 Four merry lawyers in one carriage ride, 
 To seek the threshold of the court each day. 
 
 Great comforts in such partnerships reside ; — 
 Were they not cronies, each must foot his way. 
 
 JAMES SMITH, 
 
 one of the authors of " Rejected Addresses," wrote this 
 epigram, at the expense of lawyers, on the street in 
 which he lived in London : — 
 
300 LAW AND LAWYESS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " In Craven street, Strand, the attorneys find place ; 
 And ten dark coal-barges are moor'd at its base. 
 Fly, Honesty, fly ! seek some safer retreat : 
 There's craft in the river, and craft in the street." 
 
 But Sir George Rose came to their rescue in the fol- 
 lowfing extemporaneous after-dinner epigram : — 
 
 " Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat, 
 From attorneys and barges ? — 'od rot 'em ! 
 For the lawyers ■sxs.just at the top of the street, 
 And the barges axQjust at the bottom." 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES-. 30 1 
 
 VI. 
 
 SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 
 OF A LAWYER AND THE DEVIL. 
 
 I TRANSLATE the following from the Latin of a legend of 
 the Middle Ages : " A certain man was a lawyer of differ- 
 ent towns, pitiless, grasping, and making great exactions 
 from all in his power. On a certain day, when, for the 
 purpose of exacting tribute, he was hastening to a cer- 
 tain town, the Devil, in the likeness of a man, joined him 
 on his journey; whom, as well from the horror which he 
 felt as from their conversation, he perceived to be the 
 evil one. He greatly feared to go with him ; but in no 
 way, either by praying, or by making the sign of the 
 cross, could he shake him off. As they walked on to- 
 gether, a certain poor man approached them, leading a 
 pig by a string. And as the pig ran hither and thither, 
 the angry man cried out, ' Devil take thee ! ' Hearing 
 this, the lawyer, hoping that by this means he could free 
 himself from his companion, said to him, ' Listen, friend, 
 that pig is given to thee ; go, seize him.' The fiend re- 
 sponded, ' He is not given to me from the heart, and so 
 I cannot take him.' Then, as they were passing through 
 another place, a baby cried ; and its mother, standing in 
 the door of her house, exclaimed, in a petulant tone, 
 ' Devil take thee ! why dost thou trouble me with thy 
 
302 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 crying?' Then the lawyer said, 'See, you are the richer 
 by one soul ; take the baby, which is yours.' To whom 
 the Devil, as before, said, ' It is not given to me from the 
 heart, but such is the way of speaking that people have 
 when they are angry.' But as they began to draw near 
 to the town to which they were bound, some men, seeing 
 them afar off from the town, and knowing the occasion 
 of the lawyer's coming, cried out, ' Devil take thee, and 
 go to the Devil ! ' Hearing this, the fiend, wagging his 
 head and laughing, said to the lawyer, 'Behold, they 
 have given thee to me from the bottom of their hearts ; 
 and therefore thou art mine.' And the Devil seized him 
 that very hour, but what he did with him is not known. 
 This conversation and these things are related by a ser- 
 vant of the lawyer, who was with him on the journey." 
 
 A curious interview, between St. Peter and a lawyer is 
 described in Carr's " Remarks of the Government of the 
 several Parts of Germanic, Denmark," etc. Amsterdam, 
 1688 : "And now, because I am speaking of Pettyfogers, 
 give me leave to tell you a story I mett with when I lived 
 in Rome. Goeing with a Romane to see some Antiqui- 
 tyes, he showed a chapell dedicated to one St. Evona, a 
 lawyer of Brittaine, who he said came to Rome to entreat 
 the Pope to give the lawyers of Brittaine a Patron, to 
 which the Pope replied, that he knew of no Saint but 
 what was disposed of to other Professions. At which 
 Evona was very sad, and earnestly begd of the Pope to 
 think of one for him. At last the Pope proposed to St. 
 Evona that he should goe round the church of St. John 
 de Latera blindfould, and after he had said so many Ave 
 Marias, that the first Saint he layd hold of should be his 
 Patron, which the good old lawyer willingly undertook : 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 303 
 
 and at the end of his Ave Maryes he stopt at St. Michel's 
 altar, where he layd hold of the Divill, under St. Michel's 
 feet, and cryd out, this is our Saint ; let him be our Pa- 
 tron. So being unblindfolded, and seeing what a Patron 
 he had chosen, he went to his lodgings so dejected, that 
 in a few months after he dyed, and coming to heaven's 
 gates, knockt hard. Whereupon St. Peter asked who it 
 was that knockt so bouldly. He replied that he was St. 
 Evona the advocate. Away, away, said St. Peter ; here 
 is but one Advocate in heaven ; here is no room for you 
 lawyers. O but, said St. Evona, I am that honest lawyer 
 who never tooke fees on both sides, or pleaded in a bad 
 cause ; nor did I ever set my naibours together by the 
 eares, or lived by the sins of the people. Well, then, 
 said St. Peter, come in. This newes coming down to 
 Rome, a witty poet writ on St. Evona's tomb these 
 words : — 
 
 ' St. Evona, un Briton, 
 Advocat non Larron, 
 Haleluiah.' " 
 
 ST. PETER o. A LAWYER. 
 
 The following lines are printed on a sheet of foolscap ; 
 and at the head is a cut representing St. Peter opening 
 the gates of heaven to a lawyer demanding an entrance, 
 but whom the saint, on recognizing his profession, refuses 
 to admit. There is no date or author's name : — 
 
 "Professions will abuse each other; 
 The priest won't call the lawyer brother ; 
 While Salkeld still beknaves the parson, 
 And says he cants to keep the farce on. 
 
304 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Yet will I readily suppose 
 
 They are not truly bitter foes, 
 
 But only have their pleasant jokes, 
 
 And banter, just like other folks. 
 
 As thus, for so the)- quiz the Law, 
 
 Once on a time, the attorney. Flaw, 
 
 A man, to tell you as the fact is, 
 
 Of vast chicane, of course, of practice, 
 
 (But what profession can we trace 
 
 Where some will not the corps disgrace? 
 
 Seduc'd, perhaps, by roguish client, 
 
 Who tempts him to become more pliant), 
 
 A notice had to quit the world, 
 
 And from his desk at length was hurl'd. 
 
 Observe, I pray, the plain narration : 
 
 'Twas in a hot and long vacation, 
 
 When time he had, but no assistance, 
 
 Though great from courts of law the distance, 
 
 To reach the court of truth and justice 
 
 (Where, I confess, my only trust is) ; 
 
 Though here below the learned pleader 
 
 Shows talents worthy of a leader. 
 
 Yet his own fame he must support, 
 
 Be sometimes witty with the court, 
 
 Or work the passions of a jury 
 
 By tender strains, or full of fury. 
 
 Mislead them all, tho' twelve apostles : 
 
 While with new law the judge he jostles, 
 
 And makes them all give up their pow'rs 
 
 To speeches of at least three hours. 
 
 But we have left our little man. 
 
 And wander'd from our purpos'd plan : 
 
 'Tis said (without ill-natured leaven). 
 
 If lawyers ever get to heaven. 
 
 It surely is by slow degrees 
 
 (Perhaps 'tis slow they take their fees) 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 305 
 
 The case, then, now I'll fairly state : 
 
 Flaw reach'd at last to heaven's high gate ; 
 
 Quite spent, he rapp'd, none did it neater. 
 
 The gate was open'd by St. Peter, 
 
 Who look'd astonish'd when he saw, 
 
 All black, the little man of law: 
 
 But Charity was Peter's guide ; 
 
 For having once himself denied 
 
 His Master, he would not o'erpass 
 
 The penitent of any class : 
 
 Yet having never heard there enter'd 
 
 A lawyer, nay, nor one that ventur'd 
 
 Within the realms of peace and love, 
 
 He told him, mildly, to remove, 
 
 And would have clos'd the gate of day, 
 
 Had not old Flaw, in suppliant way. 
 
 Demurring to so hard a fate, 
 
 Begg'd but a look, tho' through the gate. 
 
 St. Peter, rather off his guard, 
 
 Unwilling to be thought too hard. 
 
 Opens the gate to let him peep in. 
 
 What did the lawyer ? Did he creep in ? 
 
 Or dash at once to take possession ? 
 
 Oh, no ! he knew his own profession : 
 
 He took his hat off with respect. 
 
 And would no gentle means neglect, 
 
 But finding it was all in vain 
 
 For him admittance to obtain. 
 
 Thought it were best, let come what will, 
 
 To gain an entry by his skill. 
 
 So while St. Peter stood aside 
 
 To let the door be open'd wide, 
 
 He skimm'd his hat with all his strength 
 
 Within the gates to no small length : 
 
 St. Peter star'd ; the lawyer asked him, 
 
 ' Only to fetch his hat,' and pass'd him : 
 
306 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 But when he reach'd the jack he'd thrown, 
 Oh ! then was all the lawyer shown ; 
 He clapp'd it on, and arms a-kembo 
 (As if he'd been the gallant Bembo), 
 Cry'd out, ' What think you of my plan ? 
 Eject me, Peter, if you can^ " 
 
 "THE GENTLEMAN IN BLACK" 
 
 is the title of a little volume, published anonymously in 
 London in 1831, with illustrations by Cruikshank. The 
 story is of two young men, English and French respec- 
 tively, who, having run through their fortunes by dissipa- 
 tion, enter severally into a contract with the Devil, by 
 which they are to have an unlimited supply of money on 
 demand, provided they would sin one second the first 
 year, two seconds the next, double that the third, and so 
 on during life. All the sins committed before and after, 
 over and above the stipulated amount, were to be taken 
 into account. "So that you see," said Lucifer, "not 
 even a hermit need live more immaculately." The scene 
 is laid in the time of the French Revolution. The 
 Englishman, ignorant of the Frenchman's compact, acci- 
 dentally falls in with his confrere in iniquity ; and on dis- 
 covering the similarity of their circumstances, they are as 
 naturally bound together as Dr. Rappaccini's daughter 
 and the young medical student, in Hawthorne's fascinat- 
 ing tale (which see). A jolly time they have for twenty- 
 eight years, when the Devil reminds them that they are 
 in arrears ; and it becomes apparent on calculation, that 
 in order to transact the stipulated amount of wickedness 
 for that year, it would require, reckoning sixteen hours to 
 the day, some twenty-three hundred and thirty days. 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 307 
 
 Looking ahead one or two years added to their perplex- 
 ity. Right here the Englishman called into requisition 
 the services of old Bagsby, a lawyer, who, after proposing 
 a compromise which the G. in B was not inclined to 
 accept, threatened to throw the business into chancery. 
 " ' Into where ? ' cried the gentleman in black, starting 
 upon his legs, upsetting his black snuff-box and black- 
 guard, letting fall his black smelling-bottle, oversetting his 
 black bag, and disarranging his black-edged papers ; 
 while his black hair stood erect upon his head, and his 
 black Geneva cloak swelled out rigidly behind, as though 
 thrust forth .and supported by a mop-stick. ' Into chan- 
 cery,' repeated old Bagsby gravely : ' Mr. Ledger will pay 
 the money into court.' — ' From whence it will never 
 come out in my time,' roared the gentleman in black, 
 like a lion taken in the toils. ' No, no : I accept the 
 merchant's offer.' " Cruikshank's illustration of this scene 
 is very amusing. 
 
 Perhaps if the Devil (or the author) had known how 
 strongly courts have always leaned toward the enforce- 
 ment of contracts similar to the one in question, he would 
 have had less horror of chancery. There is the great 
 leading case of James v. Morgan, Levinz, in, which 
 was an action in special assumpsit, on an agreement to 
 pay for a horse a barleycorn for the first nail in his shoes, 
 and double every other nail, which, as there were thirty- 
 two nails, amounted to five hundred quarters of barley : 
 under the instructions of the court the jury gave as dam- 
 ages the full value of the horse, eight pounds ; and it is 
 inferred that the contract was considered valid, from the 
 fact, that on a motion in arrest of judgment, the verdict 
 was affirmed. I know Mr. Story, in his work on Con- 
 
308 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 tracts, cites the case as establishing; a contrary doctrine ; 
 but he seems to be mistaken. Then, too, there is the 
 other great case of Thornborow v. Whiteacre, 2 Lord 
 Raymond, 11 64, in which the court on demurrer were 
 inclined to hold good a contract to dehver, in consid- 
 eration of 2j. 6d. paid, and 4/. 17J. (>d. to be paid, two 
 rye-corns on the then next Monday, and double every 
 succeeding Monday for a year, which would have re- 
 quired the delivery of more rye than was grown in the 
 whole year ; the judge observing, that although the con- 
 tract was a foolish one, yet it was good in law, and the 
 defendant ought to pay for his folly : but the case was 
 compromised, and no judgment was given. But on the 
 question of the tediousness of chancery the Devil and 
 the author are sound ; for that institution seldom failed 
 to ruin one party to the htigation, and frequently ruined 
 both. 
 
 Hearing of his friend's escape, the Frenchman, after 
 fruitless endeavors to interest the clergy in his behalf, 
 retains Bagsby to effect his discharge. The G. in B., 
 learning this, endeavors to seduce the lawyer from his 
 client, and to act for him. Bagsby refuses to listen until 
 he shall receive a retaining-fee. The Devil thereupon 
 pulls out an immensely long and serpentine purse, one 
 end of which still seems hid in his pocket : and the law- 
 yer's virtue begins to ooze out, when some callers inter- 
 rupt them, and the purse rushes like a live thing into its 
 owner's pocket; it was, in fact, a. fee tail: and the owner 
 disappears. The picture of this feeing scene is enough 
 to make a lawyer sigh at its improbability. 
 
 In the discharge of his duty to his French client, Bags- 
 by goes to France, and is there associated with a Jesuit, 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 309 
 
 a friend of the Frenchman. The Devil observes, "A 
 double-tongued Jesuit, and an old, wily, slippery, English 
 lawyer ! Fearful odds ! What chance have I between 
 them? I don't feel myself at all comfortable." So great 
 is his dread of this partnership of law and religion, that 
 he accedes without much demur to Bagsby's proposition, 
 to compromise the affair, by having his client pay back 
 half the moneys, and the Devil remit half the sins, and 
 at the end of fourteen years the question to be resumed 
 as left on that day. Bagsby draws up an interminable 
 instrument, which the Devil has not the patience to read, 
 but seeing the heads are right, executes and delivers it, 
 and receives a check for half his moneys. Thereupon he 
 goes into a fit of immoderate laughter, and informs Bags- 
 by that his principal reason for postponing his claim four- 
 teen years is the hope that the lawyer will then be dead. 
 " Litera scripts manent" responds Bagsby, and explains 
 that the instrument reserves to his client the option of 
 cancelling whichever half of the eight and twenty years 
 he pleases, and that of course he will cancel the first half, 
 and will have no difficulty in sinning one second on the 
 first year of the renewed claim, and double each succeed- 
 ing year, fespecially as he will have the advantage of the 
 clause in the original contract giving credit for extra sin- 
 ning before or after, and will thus be credited with the 
 sins of the latter half of the term. " So, altogether, if 
 he makes proper use of the money yet remaining in his 
 hands, what with interest and compound interest, I think 
 you might almost as well be in chancery ! " The Devil 
 curses his imprudence in dealing without his own lawyer ; 
 but finally his admiration of the trick overcomes his 
 anger, and he says, " I will do myself the pleasure of 
 
3IO LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 calling upon you at Lyon's Inn ere long. I admire your 
 talents, and shall cultivate a more intimate acquaintance ; 
 for you have convinced me, that notwithstanding a con- 
 siderable portion of self-conceit to which I plead guilty, 
 I have yet much to learn. People say that I have a very 
 extensive circle of friends among gentlemen of your pro- 
 fession, but I assure you that the report is not to be relied 
 on. Indeed, considering the facilities of introduction 
 which I possess, and the inducements I frequently have 
 in my power to hold out, I am often surprised that I 
 have not more on my list." 
 
 An appropriate tail-piece to this entertaining volume 
 represents the gentleman in black hanged by his caudal 
 member to a gallows. 
 
 The author of " The Gentleman in Black " was not the 
 only one who thought that lawyers were a match for his 
 Satanic Majesty, as the following song bears witness : — 
 
 " A lawyer, quite famous for making a bill, 
 
 And who in good living delighted. 
 To dinner one day with hearty good will 
 
 Was by a rich client invited. 
 But he charged six and eightpence for going to dine, 
 
 Which the client he paid, tho' no ninny, 
 And in turn charged the lawyer, for dinner and wine, 
 
 One a crown, and the other a guinea. 
 But gossips, you know, have a saying in store, 
 He who matches a lawyer has only one more. 
 
 The lawyer he paid it and took a receipt, 
 While the client stared at him with wonder. 
 
 With the produce he gave a magnificent treat. 
 But the lawyer soon made him knock under. 
 
 That his client sold wine, information he laid, 
 
SOJ\rGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 311 
 
 Without license ; and spite of his storming, 
 The client a good thumping penalty paid, 
 
 And the lawyer got half for informing. 
 But gossips, you know, have a saying in store. 
 He who matches a lawyer has only one more." 
 
 In the "Herdsman's Happy Life," found in Byrd's 
 Songs (1588), we read, — 
 
 " For lawyers and their pleading 
 
 They 'steem it not a straw ; 
 They thinlc that honest meaning 
 
 Is of itself a law ; 
 Where conscience judgeth plainly, 
 
 They spend no money vainly." 
 
 In another old ballad, called " Robin Conscience," we 
 find the following : — . 
 
 " Thus banished from the court I went, 
 To Westminster incontinent, 
 Where I alas was sorely spent 
 
 for coming : 
 The lawyers did against me plead ; 
 ' 'Twas no great matter,' some there said, 
 ' If Conscience quite were knock'd in th' head : 
 
 then musing, 
 From them I fled with winged haste ; 
 They did so threaten me to baste. 
 Thought it was vain my breath to waste 
 
 in counsel. 
 For lawyers cannot me abide, 
 Because for falsehood I them chide ; 
 And he that holds not on their side 
 
 must down stiU." 
 
312 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 "MICHAELMAS TERM" 
 
 is the title of an ancient broadside ballad preserved in 
 the British Museum. The benefits derived by people of 
 various occupations at this season are described, and 
 lawyers come in for a share : — 
 
 " Some atturnies, and some that solicite law cases, 
 
 That at the vacation in the country plods, 
 They, like to King James, can use double faces, 
 
 And bribe to set neighbor with neighbor at odds. 
 Now hither they come, with their bags full of law ; 
 
 But the profits they all to themselves do confirm: 
 Although it be but for a trusse of rye straw, 
 
 The case must be try'd at Michaelmas term. 
 
 The lawyers' hands are still itching for fees, 
 
 Which makes the plain husbandman let out his farm, 
 
 To come up to London to eat bread and cheese, 
 While lawyers eat roast meat in Michaelmas term." 
 
 "Law, a Comic Song," set to the music of Malbrook, 
 is perhaps old enough to bear resuscitation : — 
 
 " Come list to me a minute, 
 A song I'm going to begin it : 
 There's something serious in it, 
 
 So, pray, attention draw. 
 
 'Tis all about the Law, 
 
 So, pray, attention draw. 
 Experience, I have bought it, 
 And now to you I've brought it: 
 Will you or not be taught it .■" 
 
 I sing the charms of Law. 
 
 L-A-W — law, 
 
 Which has met with a deuce of dclat. 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 313 
 
 If you're fond of pure vexation, 
 And long procrastination, 
 You're just in a situation 
 To enjoy a suit at law. 
 
 When your cause is first beginning, 
 You only think of winning ; 
 Attorneys slyly grinning, 
 
 The while the cash they draw. 
 
 Your cause goes on see-saw. 
 
 As long as your cash they draw. 
 With brief and consultation, 
 Bill and replication, 
 Latin and — botheration. 
 
 While the counsel loudly jaw ; 
 
 J-A-W — jaw, 
 
 Is a very great thing in law. 
 If you're fond, etc. 
 
 Snail-like your cause is creeping, 
 It hinders you from sleeping : 
 Attorneys only reaping. 
 
 For still your cash they draw ; 
 
 D-R-A-W — draw, 
 
 Is the mainspring of the law. 
 Misery, toil, and trouble 
 Make up the bubble bubble, 
 Leave you nothing but stubble, 
 
 And make you a man of straw. 
 
 I^A-W — law. 
 
 Divides the wheat from the straw. 
 If you're fond, etc. 
 
 And when your cause is ending, 
 Your case is no way mending. 
 Expense each step attending; 
 
314 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 And then they find a flaw. 
 
 Then the judge, like any jack-daw, 
 
 Will lay down what is Law. 
 In a rotten stick your trust is, 
 You find the bubble burst is ; 
 And though you don't get justice. 
 
 You're sure to get plenty of Law. 
 
 And L-A-W — law, 
 
 Leaves you not worth a straw. 
 If you're fond, etc. 
 
 So if life is all sugar and honey. 
 And fortune has always been sunny, 
 And you want to get rid of your money, 
 
 I'd advise you to go to law. 
 
 Like ice in a rapid thaw. 
 
 Your cash will melt awa'. 
 Comfort 'tis folly to care for, 
 Life's a lottery — therefore 
 Without a why or a wherefore, 
 
 I'd advise you to go to law; 
 
 And L-A-W — law, 
 
 Does like a blister draw. 
 If you're fond, etc.'' 
 
 A case of crim. con. : — 
 
 " The charge prepared, the lawyers met, 
 The judges on the benches wriggling: 
 Orators fine, with speeches set, 
 Put all the signoras giggling. 
 Culprit here, with heart of coal. 
 From Mister Gudgeon stole his soul, 
 Hymen's couch, where cheek-by-jowl, 
 A fry of cherubs blest their nursery. 
 To this Tarquin she did harken. 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 315 
 
 Serpent, Eden, poison, flattery, 
 Jury, fury, bother, pother. 
 Pillory, fine, assault and battery.'' 
 
 Old father Antic, — the law : — 
 
 " Old father Antic, — the law, — 
 With his wig full of wisdom and awe, 
 
 He'll coax and amuse ye. 
 
 Confound and confuse ye. 
 Till fast you get fixed in its claw: 
 
 Then lofty or low be. 
 
 He'll tickle your toby, 
 Will old father Antic, — the law. 
 
 Old father Antic, — the law, — 
 Will chatter like any jack-daw, 
 
 With justice in waiting. 
 
 With parchment and prating, 
 Descant on each quibble and flaw : 
 
 So quick in his notions. 
 
 So slow in his motions. 
 Is old father Antic, — the law. 
 
 Old father Antic, — the law, — 
 If once he can catch Johnny Raw, 
 
 In fighting his battles, 
 
 His goods and his chattels, 
 He'll swallow all into his maw ; 
 
 For sin is his mother. 
 
 And Beelzebub's brother 
 Is old father Antic, — the law." 
 
 " I'm thankful I'm not a lawyer : " — 
 
 " A lawyer is thought to be clever, 
 And which I don't mean to deny ; 
 
3l6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 From interest he never will sever; 
 
 Give him fees, and he'll never grow shy : 
 Rich clients, involved in the law. 
 
 Are things which a lawyer desires ; 
 And to lay on them softly his paw, 
 
 Then his costs, he genteelly requires." 
 
 \_Spoken.'\ "Here, sir, is my bill of costs, which I 
 conceive, under the circumstances of this case, you will 
 not think immoderate." — " Oh, no ! not in the least : 
 here's a draft for the amount." — "Thank you, sir; I am 
 extremely obhged to you : and I trust upon a similar, or 
 any other occasion, when I may have the pleasure of see- 
 ing your face again, the like assiduity, attention, and ap- 
 plication will not be wanting on my part." 
 
 " With his latitat and capias, 
 Bills and fieri-facias. 
 Parchment rolls and paper slips, 
 Honey tongue, but lying lips, 
 I'm thankful I am not a lawyer. 
 
 His coat then denotes his profession. 
 
 For in black things a lawyer delights : 
 He's afraid it won't last till next session, 
 
 When money will put it to rights. 
 Oh ! how much will his clients now grieve 
 
 Since the lawyer is going to rack ; 
 And unless they give him a reprieve. 
 
 He will not have a coat to his back." 
 
 \Spoken.\ " Charity, charity, gentlemen, is the noblest 
 passion of man ; pray endeavor to get into law, and let 
 me endeavor to get you out of it ; for believe me, gentle- 
 men, it is an indisputable, incontrovertible, and undeniable 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 317 
 
 fact, as times now go, that a lawyer can scarcely get an 
 honest piece of bread, or corks sufficient to keep his head 
 above water." 
 
 " With his dedimus and alias, 
 Chancery suits and habeas, 
 Old settlements and abstracts, 
 Briefs and other rotten tracts, 
 I'm thankful I am not a lawyer." 
 
 The Lawyer's Clerk — air, " Poor Jack : '' — 
 
 " Go, lawyers and scriveners and clerks, d'ye see, 
 
 'Bout parchment, pens, stamps, and the like : 
 A snug little desk, and a good office, give me, 
 
 And 'taint to a little I'll strike ; 
 Though the deed should be long, sir, and I pressed for 
 time. 
 
 And intricate and hard to draw. 
 Clear the desk, stow the books, and set all in a line, 
 
 And I'll do it in due form of law. 
 Avast, then ! don't think me a milksop so soft. 
 
 To be taken with trifles aback ; 
 For in Westminster Hall the judge sits up aloft, 
 
 The guard and protector of Jack. 
 
 I heard my good master palaver one day, 
 
 'Bout writs, bonds, and deeds, and the like : 
 So many fine things to me he did say, 
 
 He made law as plain as a pike ; 
 For says he, how our client can founder, d'ye see, 
 
 Without orders that come down below ; 
 And many fine things that proved clearly to me, 
 
 The chief justice would take us in tow ; 
 For says he, d'ye mind me, though you should e'er so oft 
 
 Delay pleadings, and set them aback, 
 
3l8 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 That same noble judge that sits perched up aloft, 
 Will be guard and protector of Jack. 
 
 I says to a client (for d'ye see, he would swear). 
 
 When he lost his last cause all through me, 
 I give you my word the proceedings were fair. 
 
 And to doubt it a fool you must be ; 
 For d'ye see, the law's just : and a verdict for all 
 
 Can't be had ; one must win, and no more. 
 And if, my dear sir, you should be in the wrong, 
 
 Your antagonist then gets before. 
 Come, then, all's a hazard : now don't be so soft. 
 
 Next cause you'll recover it back ; 
 For d'ye see, those twelve men that sit perched up aloft, 
 
 They'll then give a verdict for Jack. 
 
 D'ye mind me, a lawyer should be every inch 
 
 All in one, as the skins of a deed, 
 And well brave the court, too, without ofPring to flinch, 
 
 If ever he'd wish to succeed. 
 As to me in all causes, all briefs, pleas, and suits, 
 
 Nought's a trouble if money it brings, 
 My advice I will give to reap the first fruit. 
 
 Charge high ; and the blame is the king's. 
 If cause comes to trial, don't think me so soft, 
 
 To be taken with conscience aback; 
 For that same noble judge that sits perched up aloft, 
 
 Will be guard and protector of Jack.'' 
 
 From " An Hundred Years Hence : " — 
 
 "You chancery lawyers. 
 Whose subtilety thrives 
 In spinning out suits 
 
 To the length of three lives, — 
 Such suits which the cUents 
 Do wear out in slavery. 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 319 
 
 Whilst pleader makes conscience 
 
 A cloak for his knavery, — 
 May boast of his subtilety 
 
 In the present tense ; 
 But non est inventus 
 
 An hundred years hence." 
 
 Consequences of Sunday travelling, — founded on 
 fact : — 
 
 " Three eminent men of the law 
 
 Lately travelled on Sunday together, 
 Through roads that were cover'd with snow, 
 
 Not regarding the day nor the weather : 
 At length they got into a pit, 
 
 (How dismal the tale to be told !) 
 Where they and their horses, to wit. 
 
 Had liked to have perish'd with cold. 
 Tho' they often before, none can doubt, 
 
 Had waded thro' thick and thro' thin. 
 Yet the more now they tried to get out, 
 
 The deeper, alas they sunk in. 
 
 Fortune ! now lend 'em thine aid. 
 
 Or how canst thou answer thy charge ? 
 Thou hast Coke upon Littleton laid. 
 
 And pull'd down the statutes at large. 
 The goddess was mov'd with their cries. 
 
 And determin'd to save all their lives : 
 Then quick to their succor she flies. 
 
 To the joy of their clients and wives. 
 Ye lawyers, remember their doom. 
 
 And be warn'd at the fall of these men : 
 
 1 hope you will never presume 
 To travel on Sunday again." 
 
320 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 "A CROSS-EXAMINATION IN CHIEF. 
 
 " Barrister. Call John Tomkins. 
 
 Witness. Here (is sworn) ! 
 
 Bar. Look this way — what's your name ? 
 
 Wit. John Tomkins. 
 
 Bar. John Tomkins, eh ! And pray, John Tomkins, 
 what do you know about this affair? 
 
 Wit. As I was going along Cheapside — 
 
 Bar. Stop, stop ! not quite so fast, John Tomkins. 
 When was you going along Cheapside ? 
 
 Wit. On Monday, the 26th of June. 
 
 Bar. Oh, oh ! Monday, the 26th of June ; and pray, 
 how came you to know that it was Monday, the 26th of 
 June? 
 
 Wit. I remember it very well. 
 
 Bar. You have a good memory, John Tomkins : here 
 is the middle of November, and you pretend to remem- 
 ber your walking along Cheapside in the end of June ? 
 
 Wit. Yes, sir : I remember it as if it was but yesterday. 
 
 Bar. And pray, now, what makes you remember it 
 so very well? 
 
 Wit. I was then going to fetch a midwife. 
 
 Bar. Stop there, if you please. (Gentlemen of the 
 jury, please to attend to this.) So, John Tomkins, you, 
 a hale, hearty man, were going to fetch a midwife? 
 Now, answer me directly, — look this way, sir; what 
 could you possibly want with a midwife ? 
 
 Wit. I wanted to fetch her to a neighbor's wife who 
 was ill abed. 
 
 Bar. A neighbor's wife ! What, then, you have no 
 wife of your own ? 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 321 
 
 Wit No, sir. 
 
 Bar. Recollect yourself: you say you have no wife 
 of your own? 
 
 Wit. No, sir : I never had a wife. 
 
 Bar. None of your quibbles, friend : I did not ask 
 you if you ever had a wife. I ask you if you have now 
 a wife, and you say no. 
 
 Wit. Yes, sir ; and I say truth. 
 
 Bar. Yes, sir ! and no, sir ! and you say truth ! We 
 shall soon find that out. And was there nobody to fetch 
 a midwife but you ? 
 
 Wit. No : my neighbor lay ill himself. 
 
 Bar. What ! did he want a midwife too ? {A loud 
 laugh.) 
 
 Wit. He lay Ul of a fever, and so I went to serve 
 him. 
 
 Bar. No doubt, you are a very serviceable fellow, in 
 your way. But pray, now, after you had fetched the 
 midwife, where did you go ? 
 
 Wit. I went to call upon a friend. 
 
 Bar. Hold : what time in the day was this ? 
 
 Wit. About seven o'clock in the evening. 
 
 Bar. It was quite daylight, was it not? 
 
 Wit. Yes, sir : it was a fine summer evening. 
 
 Bar. What ! is it always daylight in a summer even- 
 ing? 
 
 Wit. I believe so {smiling). 
 
 Bar. No laughing, sir, if you please : this is too 
 serious a matter for levity. What did you do when you 
 went to call upon a friend ? 
 
 Wit. He asked me to take a walk; and when we 
 were walking, we heard a great noise — 
 
322 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Bar. And where was this ? 
 
 Wit. In the street. 
 
 Bar. Pray attend, sir: I don't ask you whether it 
 was in the street, I ask you what street ? 
 
 Wit. I don't know the name of the street, but it 
 turns down from — 
 
 Bar. Now, sir, upon your oath, do you say you don't 
 know the name of the street? 
 
 Wit. No, I don't. 
 
 Bar. Did you ever hear it? 
 
 Wit. I may have heard it, but I can't say I remem- 
 ber it. 
 
 Bar. Do you always forget what you have heard ? 
 
 Wit. I don't know that I ever heard it ; but I may 
 have heard it, and forgot it. 
 
 Bar. Well, sir, perhaps we may fall upon a way to 
 make you remember it. 
 
 Wit. I don't know, sir: I would tell it if I knew 
 it. 
 
 Bar. Oh, to be sure you would ! you are remarkably 
 communicative. Well, you heard a noise ; and I suppose 
 you went to see it too. 
 
 Wit. Yes : we went to the house where it came 
 from. 
 
 Bar. So, it came from a house ! and, pray, what kind 
 of a house ? 
 
 Wit. The Cock and Bottle, — a public house. 
 
 Bar. The Cock and Bottle ! why, I never heard of 
 such a house. Pray, what has a cock to do with a 
 bottle? 
 
 Wit. I can't tell : that is the sign. 
 
 Bar. Well, and what passed there ? 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 323 
 
 Wit. We went in to see what was the matter, and the 
 prisoner there — 
 
 Bar. Where ? 
 
 Wit. Him at the bar there : I know him very well. 
 
 Bar. You know him ? How came you to know him ? 
 
 Wit. We worked journey work together once, and I 
 remember him very well. 
 
 Bar. So, your memory returns : you can't teU the 
 name of the street, but you know the name of the pubhc 
 house, and you know the prisoner at the bar. You are 
 a very pretty fellow ! And, pray, what was the prisoner 
 doing ? 
 
 Wit. When I saw him he was — 
 
 Bar. When you saw him ! Did I ask you what he 
 was doing when you did not see him ? 
 
 Wit. I understand he had been fighting. 
 
 Bar. Give us none of your understanding : tell what 
 you saw. 
 
 Wit. He was drinking some Hollands and water. 
 
 Bar. Are you sure it was Hollands and water ? 
 
 Wit. Yes : he asked me to drink with him, and I 
 just put it to my lips. 
 
 Bar. No doubt you did, and I dare say did not take 
 it soon from them. But now, sir, recollect you are upon 
 oath; look at the jury, sir; upon your oath, will you 
 aver that it was Hollands and water? 
 
 Wit. Yes, it was. 
 
 Bar. What ! was it not plain gin? 
 
 Wit. No : the landlord said it was Hollands. 
 
 Bar. Oh ! now we shall come to the point — the land- 
 lord said ? Do you believe every thing the landlord of 
 the Cock and Bottle says ? 
 
324 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Wit. I don't know him enough. 
 
 Bar. Pray, what religion are you of ? 
 
 Wit. I am a Protestant. 
 
 Bar. Do you believe in a future state ? 
 
 Wit Yes. 
 
 Bar. Then what passed after you drank the Hollands 
 and water? 
 
 Wit I heard there had been a fight, and a man 
 killed : and I said, ' O Robert ! I hope you have not 
 done this ; ' and he shook his head. 
 
 Bar. Shook his head ; and what did you understand 
 by that? 
 
 Wit Sir? 
 
 Bar. I say, what did vou understand by his shaking 
 his head? 
 
 Wit I can't tell. 
 
 Bar. Can't tell ! can't you tell what a man means 
 when he shakes his head? 
 
 Wit. He said nothing. 
 
 Bar. Said nothing ! I don't ask you what he said : 
 what did you say? 
 
 Wit What did I say? 
 
 Bar. Don't repeat my words, fellow, but come to 
 the point at once. Did you see the dead man? 
 
 Wit. Yes : he lay in the next room. 
 
 Bar. And how came he to be dead ? 
 
 Wit. There had been a fight, as I said before. 
 
 Bar. I don't want you to repeat what you said 
 before. 
 
 Wit. There had been a fight between him and the — 
 
 Bar. Speak up ! his lordship don't hear you : can't 
 you raise your voice ? 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 325 
 
 Wit. There had been a fight between him and the 
 prisoner — 
 
 Bar. Stop there : pray, when did this fight begin ? 
 
 Wit. I can't tell exactly ; it might be an hour before : 
 the man was quite dead. 
 
 Bar. And so he might, if the fight had been a month 
 before : that was not what I asked you. Did you see 
 the fight? 
 
 Wit. No : it was over before we came in. 
 
 Bar. We ! what we ? 
 
 Wit. I and my friend. 
 
 Bar. Well, and it was over; and you saw nothing? 
 
 Wit. No. 
 
 Bar. Gem'men of the jury, you will please to attend 
 to this : he positively swears he saw nothing of the fight. 
 Pray, sir, how was it that you saw nothing of the 
 fight? 
 
 Wit. Because it was over before I entered the house, 
 as I said before. 
 
 Bar. No repetitions, friend. Was there any fighting 
 after you entered ? 
 
 Wit. No : all was quiet. 
 
 Bar. Quiet ! you just now said you heard a noise, 
 you and your precious friend. 
 
 Wit. Yes : we heard a noise — 
 
 Bar. Speak up, can't you ? and don't hesitate so. 
 
 Wit. The noise was from the people crying and 
 lamenting. 
 
 Bar. Don't look to me, look to the jury. Well, cry- 
 ing and lamenting. 
 
 Wit. Crying and lamenting that it happened, and all 
 blaming the dead man. 
 
326 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Bar. Blaming the dead man ! why, I should have 
 thought him the most quiet of the whole (another laugh) . 
 But what did they blame him for? 
 
 Wit. Because he struck the prisoner several times 
 without any cause. 
 
 Bar. Did you see him strike the prisoner? 
 
 Wit. No ; but I was told that — 
 
 Bar. We don't ask you what you was told : what did 
 you see ? 
 
 Wit. I saw no more than I have told you. 
 
 Bar. Then why do you come here to tell us what 
 you heard? 
 
 Wit. I only wanted to give the reason why the com- 
 pany blamed the deceased. 
 
 Bar. Oh, we have nothing to do with your reasons, 
 or theirs either ! 
 
 Wit. ' No, sir : I don't say you have. 
 
 Bar. Now, sir, — remember you are upon oath, — 
 you set out with fetching a midwife : I presume you now 
 went for an undertaker. 
 
 Wit. No, I did not. 
 
 Bar. No ! that is surprising, — such a friendly man 
 as you. I wonder the prisoner did not employ you. 
 
 Wit. No : I went away soon after. 
 
 Bar. And what induced you to go away? 
 
 Wit. It became late, and I could do no good. 
 
 Bar. I dare say you could not; and so you come 
 here to do good, don't you? 
 
 Wit. I hope I have done no harm. I have spoken 
 like an honest man : I don't know any thing more of the 
 matter. 
 
 Bar. Nay, I sha'n't trouble you further {witness 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 327 
 
 retires, but is called again). Pray, sir, what did the 
 prisoner drink his Hollands and water out of ? 
 
 Wit. A pint tumbler. 
 
 Bar. A pint tumbler ! what? a rummer? 
 
 Wit. I don't know : it was a glass that holds a pint. 
 
 Bar. Are you sure it holds a pint ? ' 
 
 Wit. I believe so.. 
 
 Bar. Ay, when it is full, I suppose ! You may go 
 your ways, John Tomkins. A pretty hopeful fellow that. 
 {Aside.)" 
 
 The following from " Punch " are too good not to be 
 rendered more accessible than the newspaper columns : — 
 
 "monody on the death of an only client. 
 
 " Oh ! take away my wig and gown, 
 Their sight is mockery now to me : 
 I pace my chambers up and down, 
 Reiterating, ' Where is ke ? ' 
 
 Alas ! wild echo, with a moan. 
 
 Murmurs above my feeble head : 
 In the wide world I am alone ; 
 
 Ha, ha ! ihy only client's dead ! 
 
 In vain the robing-room I seek: 
 
 The very waiters scarcely bow; 
 Their looks contemptuously speak, 
 
 ' He's lost his only client now.' 
 
 E'en the mild usher, who of yore 
 Would hasten when his name I said, 
 
 To hand in motions, comes no more : 
 He knows my only client's dead. 
 
328 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Ne'er shall I, rising up in court, 
 
 Open the pleadings of a suit : 
 Ne'er shall the judges cut me short, 
 
 While moving them for a compute. 
 
 No more with a consenting brief 
 Shall I politely bow my head : 
 
 Where shall I run to hide my grief ? 
 Alas ! my only client's dead. 
 
 Imagination's magic power 
 Brings back as clear as clear can be, 
 
 The spot, the day, the very hour, 
 When first I signed my maiden plea. 
 
 In the Exchequer's hindmost row 
 I sat, and some one touched my head ; 
 
 He tendered ten-and-six : but oh ! 
 That only client now is dead. 
 
 In vain I try to sing, — I'm hoarse. 
 
 In vain I try to play the flute. 
 A phantom seems to flit across, — 
 
 It is the ghost of a compute. 
 
 I try to read, but all in vain ; 
 
 My chamber listlessly I tread ; 
 Be still, my heart ; throb less, my brain ; 
 
 Ho, ho ! my only client's dead. 
 
 I think I hear a double knock ; 
 
 I did — alas ! it is a dun. 
 Tailor, avaunt ! my sense you shock : 
 
 He's dead ! you know I had but one. 
 
 What's this they thrust into my hand ? 
 
 A bill returned ! — ten pounds for bread ! 
 My butcher's got a large demand : 
 
 I'm mad! my only client's dead." 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 329 
 
 "LINES TO BESSY BY A STUDENT AT LAW. 
 
 " My heart is like a title-deed, 
 Or abstract of the same ; 
 Wherein, my Bessy, thou may'st read 
 Thine own long-cherished name. 
 
 Against thee I my suit have brought; 
 
 I am thy plaintiff lover : 
 And for the heart that thou hast caught, 
 
 An action lies, — of trover. 
 
 Alas ! upon me every day 
 
 The heaviest costs you levy : 
 Oh, give me back my he^rt — but nay ! 
 
 I feel I can't replevy. 
 
 I'll love thee with my latest breath : 
 
 Alas ! I cannot _)/o« shun. 
 Till the hard hand of sheriff death 
 
 Takes me in execution. 
 
 Say, Bessy dearest, if you will 
 
 Accept me as a lover? 
 Must true affection file a bill 
 
 The secret to discover? 
 
 Is it my income's small amount 
 
 That leads to hesitation ? 
 Refer the question of account 
 
 To Cupid's arbitration." 
 
 In 1 85 1, at the time of the World's Exhibition in 
 London, Samuel Warren wrote a very peculiar and ex- 
 traordinary poem, styled "The Lily and the Bee," called 
 
330 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 out by the exhibition ; of which " Punch " published a 
 burlesque, entitled "The Dilly and the D's." The 
 "Dilly" was the Oxford coach. The poem describes 
 the upsetting of this coach, and finally the safe arrival 
 of Mr. Warren at Oxford, where, in company with Derby 
 and Disraeli, he has the degree of LL.D. conferred on 
 him. I extract some passages applicable to our sub- 
 ject : — 
 
 " O Spirit ! Spirit of Literature, 
 Alien to Law ! 
 
 O Muse, ungracious to thy sterner sister, Themis, 
 Whither away ? Away ! 
 Far from my brief — 
 Brief with a fee upon it, 
 Tremendous ! 
 
 And probably — before my business is concluded — 
 A Refresher ; nay, several ! ! 
 Whither whirlest thou thy thrall ? 
 Thy willing thrall ? 
 ' Now and thenj ' 
 But not just at this moment. 
 If you please, Spirit ! 
 No, let me read and ponder on 
 The Pleadings. 
 Declaration ! 
 Plea! ! 
 
 Replication! I ! 
 Rejoinder! ! ! ! 
 Surrejoinder I ! I I ! 
 Rebutter! ! ! ! ! ! 
 Surrebutter! !!!!!! 
 Etc! Etc! ! Etc! ! ! 
 It may not be. The muse, 
 As ladies often are. 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 331 
 
 Though lovely, is obstinate, 
 And will have her own way. , 
 
 I obey, Spirit. 
 
 Hang my brief, 'tis gone ! 
 
 To-morrow let my junior cram me in court. 
 
 Behold ! and thank thy stars 
 
 That led thee — Worm — 
 
 Thee, that art merely a writer 
 
 And a barrister, 
 
 Although a man of elegant acquirements, 
 
 A gentleman and a scholar — 
 
 Nay, F.R.S., to boot — 
 
 Into such high society. 
 
 Among such Swells, 
 
 And REAL NOBS! 
 
 Behold ! ten live Lords ! and lo ! no end 
 
 Of ex-Cabinet Ministers ! 
 
 Oh ! happy, happy, happy, 
 
 Oh, happy Sam ! 
 
 Say, isn't this worth, at the least, 
 
 ' Ten thousand a year^ f 
 
 And these are all, to-day at least, 
 
 Thy fellows ! 
 
 Going to be made 
 
 LL.D.'s, even as thyself : 
 
 And thou shalt walk in silk attire, 
 
 And hob and nob with all the mighty of the earth." 
 
 Southey, in a letter to his three young daughters, gives 
 an amusing account of his being double-ell-deed at Ox- 
 ford. " When the theatre is full, the vice-chancellor and 
 the heads of houses and the doctors enter. Those per- 
 sons who are to be ell-ell-deed remain without in the 
 
332 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 divinity schools, in their robes, till the convocation have 
 signified their assent to the ell-eU-deeing : and then they 
 are led into the theatre one after another, in a line, into 
 the middle of the area ; the people first making a lane for 
 them. The professor of civil law, Dr. Phillimore, went 
 before, and made a long speech in Latin, telling the vice- 
 chancellor and the dignissimi doctores what excellent 
 persons we were who were now to be ell-ell-deed. Then 
 he took us one by one by the hand, and presented each 
 in his turn, pronouncing his name aloud, saying who and 
 what he was, and calling him many laudatory names, end- 
 ing in issimus. The audience then cheered loudly, to 
 show their approbation of the person ; the vice-chancellor 
 stood up, and, repeating the first words in issime, ell-ell- 
 deed him ; the beadles lifted up the bar of separation, 
 and the new-made doctor went up the steps, and took his 
 seat among the dignissimi doctores." 
 
 THACKERAY, 
 
 under the title of "Jacob Omnium's Hoss," makes 
 " Pleaceman X " thus discourse of the Palace Court : — 
 
 " One sees in Viteall Yard, • 
 
 Vera pleacemen do resort, 
 A wenerable hinstitute. 
 
 'Tis called the Pallis Court. 
 A gent as got is i on it, 
 
 I think will make some sport. 
 
 The natur of this court 
 
 My hindignation riles ; 
 A few fat legal spiders 
 
 Here set and spin their viles ; 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 333 
 
 To rob the town theyr privlege is, 
 In a hayrea of twelve miles. 
 
 The judge of this year court 
 
 Is a mellitary beak : 
 He knows no more of Lor, 
 
 Than praps he does of Greek, 
 And prowides hisself a deputy 
 
 Because he cannot speak. 
 
 Four counsel in this Court — 
 
 Misnamed of Justice — sits ; 
 These lawyers owes their places to 
 
 Their money, not their wits ; 
 And there six attornies under them, 
 
 As here their living gits. 
 
 These lawyers, six and four. 
 
 Was a livin at their ease, 
 A sendin of their writs abowt. 
 
 And droring in the fees, 
 When there erose a cirkimstance 
 
 As is like to make a breeze." 
 
 Then follows an account of how a gentleman's horse 
 was stolen and recovered, and how the livery-man, with 
 whom the horse had been lodged by the thief, "sum- 
 mingsd " the owner into the " Pallis Court " to pay for 
 said keeping : the result is thus narrated : — 
 
 " Pore Jacob went to court, 
 
 A counsel for to fix, 
 And choose a barrister out of the four, 
 
 An attorney of the six ; 
 And there he sor these men of Lor, 
 
 And watched 'em at their tricks. 
 
334 L^JV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 The dreadful day of trile 
 
 In the Pallis Court did come : 
 The lawyers said their say, 
 
 The judge looked wery glum ; 
 And then the British jury cast 
 
 Pore Jacob Hom-ni-um. 
 
 a weary day was that 
 For Jacob to go through : 
 
 The debt was two seventeen 
 
 (Which he no mor owed than you) ; 
 
 And then there was the plaintives costs, 
 Eleven pound six and two. 
 
 And then there was his own, 
 Which the lawyers they did fix 
 
 At the wery moderate figgar 
 Of ten pound one and six. 
 
 Now Evins bless the Pallis Court, 
 And all its bold verdicks ! 
 
 1 cannot settingly tell 
 
 If Jacob swaw and oust, 
 At aving for to pay this sumb ; 
 
 But I should think he must, 
 And av drawn a cheque for £2/^ 4s. 8d., 
 
 With most igstreme disgust. 
 
 O Pallis Court, you move 
 
 My pitty most profound ! 
 A most amusing sport 
 
 You thought it, I'll be bound, 
 To saddle hup a three pound debt. 
 
 With two and twenty pound. 
 
 Good sport it is to you 
 To grind the honest pore ; 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 335 
 
 To pay their just or unjust debts, 
 
 With eight hundred per cent for Lor ; 
 
 Make haste and git your costs in, 
 They will not last much more ! 
 
 Come down from that tribewn, 
 
 Thou Shameless and Unjust ; 
 Thou Swindle, picking pockets in 
 
 The name of Truth august ; 
 Come down, thou hoary Blasphemy, 
 
 For die thou shalt and must. 
 
 And go it, Jacob Homnium, 
 
 And ply your iron pen ; 
 And rise up, Sir John Jervis, 
 
 And shut me up that den, — 
 That sty for fattening lawyers in. 
 
 On the bones of honest men." 
 
 BARHAM, 
 
 in " Look at the Clock," has a few stanzas applicable to 
 our subject. The story is of a Welshman who killed his 
 scolding wife : — 
 
 " The fatal catastrophe 
 
 Named in my last strophe 
 As adding to grim Death's exploits such a vast trophy, 
 Made a great noise ; and the shocking fatality 
 Ran over, like wild fire, the whole principality. 
 And then came Mr. Ap Thomas, the Coroner, 
 With his jury to sit, some dozen or more, on her. 
 
 Mr. Pryce to commence 
 
 His 'ingenious defense,' 
 Made a 'powerful appeal ' to the jury's 'good sense.' 
 
 The world he must defy 
 
 Ever to justify 
 
336 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Any presumption of ' Malice Prepense ; ' — 
 
 The unlucky lick 
 
 From the end of his stick 
 He ' deplored ' — he was ' apt to be rather too quick ; ' 
 
 But really her prating 
 
 Was so aggravating, 
 Some trifling correction was just what he meant ; all 
 The rest, he assured them, was ' quite accidental.' 
 
 Then he calls Mr. Jones, 
 
 Who depones to her tones. 
 And her gestures and hints about ' breaking his bones.' 
 While Mr. Ap Morgan and Mr. Ap Rhy 
 
 Declared the deceased 
 
 Had styled him ' a Beast,' 
 And swear they had witnessed, with grief and surprise, 
 The allusion she made to his limbs and his eyes. 
 
 The jury, in fine, having sat on the body 
 
 The whole day, discussing the case and gin-toddy, 
 
 Returned about half-past eleven at night. 
 
 The following verdict : ' We find, sarve her right! ' " 
 
 "GIOVANNI IN LONDON" 
 
 has a scene with the following — 
 
 TRIO. 
 
 First Lawyer, Second Lawyer, Giovanni. 
 Air — " Soldier, give me one pound." 
 
 " First Lawyer. Giovanni, give me one pound. 
 
 Second Lawyer. Giovanni, give me two. 
 
 First Lawyer. Trial, it comes on to-day ; 
 
 Second Lawyer. And nothing can we do. 
 
 First Lawyer. You must give a fee 
 
 Both to me — 
 Second Lawyer. And me. 
 
SOATGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 337 
 
 Both Lawyers, For oh ! the law's a mill 
 
 That without grist will never go. 
 Giovanni. Lawyer, there is one pound ; {to first lawyer) 
 Lawyer, there are two ; {to second lawyer) 
 And now I am without a pound. 
 Thanks to the law and you. 
 For oh ! I feel the law 
 Has clapped on me its paw ; 
 And oh ! the law's a mill 
 That without grist wiU never go." 
 
 WESTMINSTER HALL. 
 
 The following lines are inscribed on an ancient print 
 of Westminster Hall : — 
 
 "When fools fall out, for ev'ry flaw. 
 They run horn-mad to go to law: 
 A hedge awry, a wrong plac'd gate, 
 Will serve to spend a whole estate. 
 Your case the lawyer says is good, 
 And justice cannot be withstood : 
 By tedious process from above, 
 From office they to office move ; 
 Thro' pleas, demurrers, the devil, and all, 
 At length they bring it to the kail, — 
 The dreadful hall by Rufus rais'd, 
 For lofty Gothic arches prais'd. 
 The first of Term, the fatal day, 
 Doth various images convey ; 
 First, from the courts with clam'rous bawl. 
 The criers their attorneys call : 
 One of the gown, discreet and wise, 
 Vrjprofer means his witness tries ; 
 From Wreathock's gang not right or laws, 
 H' assures his trembling client's cause : 
 
338 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 This gnaws his handkerchief, while that 
 Gives the Icind ogling nymph his hat ; 
 Here one in love with choiristers 
 Minds singing more than law affairs. 
 A. sergeant limping on behind, 
 Shows justice lame as well as blind. 
 To gain new cUents some dispute, 
 Others protract an ancient suit. 
 Jargon and noise alone prevail. 
 While sense and reason's sure to fail. 
 At Babel thus law terms began. 
 And now at Westm er go on." 
 
 The occupations of First Term Day are further de- 
 scribed in the following, by John Baynes, a lawyer, who 
 lived in the latter half of the last century : the names all 
 represent real persons : — 
 
 OF JUSTIFYING BAIL. 
 
 ^'^ Baldwin. Hewett, call Taylor's bail — for I 
 Shall now proceed to justify. 
 
 Hewett. Where's Taylor's bail ? 
 
 \st Bail. I can't get in. 
 
 Hewett. Make way. 
 
 Lord Mansfield. For Heaven's sake, begin. 
 
 Hewett. But where's the other ? 
 
 id Bail. Here I stand. 
 
 Mingay. I must except to both. Command 
 
 Silence — and if your lordship crave it, 
 Austen shall read our affidavit. 
 
 Austen. Will Priddle, late of Fleet Street, gent, 
 Makes oath and saith, that late he went 
 To Duke's place, as he was directed, 
 By notice, and he there expected 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 
 
 339 
 
 Mingay. 
 Atisten. 
 
 Mingay. 
 
 ■id Bail. 
 
 Mingay. 
 
 2d Bail. 
 Mingay. 
 
 id Bail. 
 Mingay. 
 
 id Bail. 
 Mingay. 
 
 id Bail. 
 Mingay. 
 
 To find both bail — but none could tell 
 Where the first bail lived — 
 
 Very well. 
 And this deponent further says 
 That asking who the second was, 
 He found he'd bankrupt been, and yet 
 Had ne'er obtained certificate. 
 When to his house deponent went, 
 He full four stories high was sent, 
 And found a lodging almost bare ; 
 No furniture but half a chair, 
 A table, bedstead, broken fiddle, 
 And a bureau. 
 
 (Signed) William Priddle. 
 
 Sworn at my chambers. 
 
 Francis Buller. 
 No affidavit can be fuller. 
 Well, friend, you've heard this affidavit : 
 What do you say ? 
 
 Sir, by your leave, it 
 Is all a lie. 
 Sir, have a care. 
 What is your trade ? 
 
 A scavenger. 
 And pray, sir, were you never found 
 Bankrupt ? 
 
 I'm worth a thousand pound. 
 A thousand pound, friend — boldly said — 
 In what consisting? 
 
 Stock in trade. 
 And pray, friend, tell me, do you know 
 What sum you're bail for ? 
 
 Truly, no. 
 My lords, you hear — no oaths have check'd 
 
 him: 
 I hope your lordships will — 
 
340 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Willes. Reject him. 
 
 Mingay. Well, friend, now tell me where you dwell ? 
 \st Bail. Sir, I have lived in Clerkenwell 
 
 These ten years. 
 Mingay. Half a guinea dead. (Aside.) 
 
 My lords, if you've the notice read, 
 
 It says Duke's place. So I desire 
 
 A little further time to inquire. 
 Baldwin. Why, Mr. Mingay, all this vapor? 
 Willes. Take till to-morrow. 
 Lord Mansfield. Call the paper." 
 
 "POOR ROBIN," 
 
 whoever he may be, has his fling at the lawyers : - 
 
 " This day the long vacation o'er, 
 And lawyers go to work once more, 
 With their materials aU provided. 
 That they may have the cause decided. 
 The plaintiff he brings in his bill ; 
 He'll have his cause, cost what it will : 
 Till afterward comes the defendant, 
 And is resolved to make an end on't ; 
 And having got all things in fitness. 
 Supplied with money and with witness ; 
 And makes a noble, bold defense. 
 Backed with material evidence. 
 The proverb is, one cause is good 
 Until the other's understood. 
 They thunder out to little purpose, 
 With certiorari, habeas corpus. 
 Their rephcandos, writs of error. 
 To fill the people's hearts with terror. 
 And if the lawyers do approve it. 
 To chancery they must remove it ; 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 341 
 
 And then the two that were so warm 
 Must leave it to another term : 
 Till they go home and work for more, 
 To spend as they have done before." 
 
 Many legal odes have been written, but none better 
 than this: "To a Sparrow alighting before the Judges' 
 Chambers in Serjeants' Inn, Fleet street. Written in 
 half an hour, whUe attending a summons : " — 
 
 " Art thou solicitor for all thy tribe, 
 
 That thus I now behold thee? — one that comes 
 Down amid bail-above, an under scribe, 
 
 To sue for crumbs ? — 
 Away ! 'tis vain to ogle round the square, — 
 
 I fear thou hast no head — 
 
 To think to get thy bread 
 Where lawyers are ! 
 
 Say — hast thou pulled some sparrow o'er the coals, 
 
 And flitted here a summons to indite ? 
 
 I only hope no cursed judicial kite 
 Has struck thee off the rolls ! 
 I scarce should dream thee of the law — and yet 
 
 Thine eye is keen and quick enough — and still 
 Thou bear'st thyself with perk and tiny fret : — 
 
 But then how desperately short thy bill/ 
 How quickly might'st thou be of that bereft ! — 
 A sixth ' taxed off ' — how little would be left ! 
 
 Art thou on summons come, or order bent ? 
 
 Tell me, for I am sick at heart to know. 
 Say — in the sky is there ' distress for rent,' 
 
 That thou hast flitted to the courts below ? 
 If thou wouldst haul some sparrow o'er the coals, 
 
 And wouldst his spirit hamper and perplex — 
 
342 LA IV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Go to John Body — he's available — 
 Sign, swear, and get a bill of Middlesex. 
 Returnable (mind — bailable !) 
 On Wednesday after th' morrow of All Souls. 
 
 Or dost thou come a sufferer ? I see — 
 
 I see thee ' cast thy bail-i-aX eyes around.' 
 Oh ! call James White, and he will set thee free. 
 He and John Baines will speedily be bound 
 In double the sum 
 That thou wilt come, 
 And meet the plaintiff Bird on legal ground. 
 But stand — oh, stand aside ! — for look, 
 
 Judge Best, on no fantastic toe, 
 Through dingy arch — by dirty nook — 
 Across the yard into his room doth go ; — 
 And wisely there doth read 
 Summons for time to plead, 
 And frame 
 Order for same. 
 
 Thou twittering, legal, foolish, feather'd thing, 
 
 A tiny boy, with salt for latitat. 
 Is sneaking, bailiff-like, to touch thy wing ; — 
 
 Canst thou not see the trick he would be at ? 
 Away, away ! and let him not prevail. 
 
 I do rejoice thou'rt off, and yet I groan 
 
 To read in that boy's silly fate my own : 
 
 I am at fault. 
 
 For from my attic though I brought my salt, 
 I've failed to put a little on thy tale ! " 
 
 The next two are from Cruikshank's Comic Alma- 
 nacs : — 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 343 
 
 "A LAW REPORT. 
 ** Doe on the demise of Roe, versus Roe on the demise of Doe. 
 
 "This was a case of ejectment. Gabble (Q.C.) for 
 plaintiff. — This is a clear case of ouster {Shower, 2) ; 
 but if the tenant in possession disputes the title of tenant 
 in tail, he cannot plead laches (^Campbell, i). In this 
 case the remainder man was regularly let in, but the 
 widow cannot now claim dower {Blackstone, 3) . Suppose 
 the mortgagee had been anxious to foreclose, then plain- 
 tiff must have been guided by the rule in- Shelly's case 
 (Adolphus and Ellis,' 6). Here there is nothing of the 
 kind. If defendant takes any thing, it is in the character 
 of tenant in reversion after the possibility of issue extinct 
 (Shower, i). 
 
 Thumpus (Sergeant) contra. — Doe takes only a 
 chattel interest, or at most, a base fee {Taunton, 6). 
 The court must presume that the outstanding term is sat- 
 isfied {East, 6). The rule is not now as Coke laid it 
 down, for Mansfield (C.J.) declined taking it up. This 
 is a case of common ouster. Doe walked in as trustee, 
 and was kicked out in tail. There is no relief for him at 
 common law {Bracton). The door was shut upon him 
 by defendant's son, and the parent is not answerable for 
 the act of the boy ( Chitty) . Judgment was now deliv- 
 ered by the court. 
 
 Mither (C.J.). — This is an uncommon case. Doe 
 was never regularly in, nor was Roe regularly out. Both 
 took as devisees of the same testator. The case in 
 Shower cannot guide us here, though the rule laid down 
 has been recognized. I do not think there is much in 
 the objection to the widow's claim of dower, though I 
 
344 -£^^ AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 see I have got it upon my notes. A mortgagee may 
 suffer by laches, but then the defendant should have 
 pleaded the tort. There is nothing of this on the record, 
 and the verdict must go accordingly. 
 
 Puny (J.). — I am of the same opinion. My brother 
 Thumpus has referred us to Bracton. I know the point 
 in Bracton, and have decided it twice the other way. 
 But here I think the rule in Shelly's case comes in, and 
 carries the verdict. 
 
 Twaddle (J.). — There are four points in this case: 
 three of them amounted to nothing, and the fourth has 
 been conceded. The laches ought to have appeared on 
 the pleadings. There cannot be a use upon a use {San- 
 ders) ; but a trustee may tate by the common law, which 
 the statute, Jac. II., c. 14, did not interfere with. The 
 provisions of the act removed much abuse, and the 
 eighty-fourth is a particularly wholesome section. Here 
 these questions do not arise ; and as the rule is clear, the 
 verdict must follow it. 
 
 Shiver (J.). — I am of the same opinion." 
 
 "the long vacation. 
 
 " Poor briefless one ! thy furrowed face 
 For thy profession shows thy fitness ; 
 And in its parchment h'nes we trace. 
 Too plainly, ' These indentures witness.' 
 
 Thy gown, thy bag, and all around 
 
 Bespeak thine utter desolation : 
 Thy purse would lank and void be found — 
 
 Yes, all proclaims the long vacation. 
 
 Thy voice in court is always mute ; 
 
 For known to all thy friends the fact is, 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 
 
 345 
 
 That to thy melancholy flute, 
 Thou dost confine thy chamber practice. 
 
 They think thy clerk must sure enjoy 
 
 A sinecure — they much mistake : 
 They little know the wretched boy 
 
 Both cleans thy boots, and cooks thy steak. 
 
 Thy friends predicted unto thee 
 
 A judgeship : pray excuse my broaching 
 
 A theme that must unpleasant be, 
 
 Though to the bench thou art approaching. 
 
 Be of good cheer ! perhaps at last. 
 Fate may with some appointment bless thee. 
 
 And all thy present trials past. 
 
 In ' brief authority ' still dress thee." 
 
 As no work on law can be considered complete with- 
 out a 
 
 PRECEDENT FOR A BILL OF COSTS, 
 
 I offer the following, rendered by a tailor to his lawyer 
 for a suit of clothes, and designed as a set-off against the 
 lawyer's bill : — 
 
 Attending you in conference concerning your proposed suit, 
 conferring thereon when you could not iinally determine . 
 
 Attending you again thereon, when found you prepared, and 
 taking measures accordingly 
 
 Entering 
 
 Instructions and warrant to woollen-draper 
 
 Copy thereof to keep 
 
 Instructions to foreman . . 
 
 Difficulty arising as to proceedings, attending him in con- 
 sultation 
 
 Paid fees to woollen-draper 
 
 Attending him thereon 
 
 Perusing his receipt 
 
 Attending to file same . . ... . . . 
 
 ;£o 
 
 6s. 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 o 
 
 3 
 
 o 
 
 5 
 
 o 
 
 2 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 4 
 
 i8 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 o 
 
 3 
 
 o 
 
 3 
 
 Zd. 
 
346 LA IV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Filing 
 
 Attending button-maker, instructing him 
 
 Paid his charges 
 
 Having received summons to proceed, perusing and con- 
 sidering same 
 
 Drawing consent and copy to keep 
 
 Postage , . . . 
 
 Copy order thereon and entering . 
 
 Appointing consultation as to further proceedings, and at- 
 tending same , 
 
 Foreman having filed a demurrer, preparing argument 
 against same .... 
 
 Attending long argument on demurrer, when same over- 
 ruled 
 
 Perusing foreman's plea . . . 
 
 Bxcepting to same . 
 
 Entering exceptions 
 
 Perusing notice of motion to remove suit, and preparing 
 valid objections to lay before you 
 
 Same being overruled, consent thereto on an undertaking . 
 
 Expenses on removal of suit, paid by you at the time . . 
 
 Writing you my extreme dissatisfaption at finding the suit 
 removed into the King's Bench, and tliat I should move 
 the court, when you promised to obtain a rule as soon as 
 term commenced, and attend me thereon 
 
 Conferring with you, in presence of your attendant, at my 
 house, on the first day of term, when you succeeded in 
 satisfying me that you were a Gent, one, etc., and an 
 honorable man, and expressed great dissatisfaction at the 
 proceedings had with the suit while out of my hands; 
 receiving your instructions to demand of your uncle that 
 same should retimi to me, on my paying a lien he claimed 
 thereon, and received from you his debenture for that 
 purpose . 
 
 Perusing same, and attending him in St. George's Fields 
 therewith and thereon 
 
 Paid him, principal and interest 
 
 In consideration of circumstances, no charge for receiving 
 suit back . 
 
 Perusing letter unexpectedly received from you, dated from 
 your own house, respecting short notice of trial .... 
 
 Attending you thereon 
 
 Attending at Westminster several mornings to try the suit, 
 when at last got same on . . . . 
 
 ifi 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 
 
 347 
 
 Paid fees ^ 
 
 Fee to porter 
 
 It being detennined that the suit should be put into a special 
 case, drawing special instructions to box-maker for same . 
 
 Attending him therewith and thereon . t 
 
 Paid him his fee for special case 
 
 Paid his clerk's fee 
 
 Considering case as settled 
 
 Attending foreman for his consent to same, when he prom- 
 ised to determine shortly . 
 
 Attending him again thereon to obviate his objections, and 
 obtained his consent with difficulty , 
 
 Drawing bill of costs .... 
 
 Fair copy for Mr, to peruse and settle 
 
 Attending him therewith . . 
 
 Fee to him settling . 
 
 Attending him for same 
 
 Perusing and considering the same as settled 
 
 Attending Mr. again, suggesting amendments . . 
 
 Fees to him on amending .... 
 
 Perusing same as amended 
 
 Fair copy, with amendments, to keep 
 
 Entering 
 
 Fair copy for service 
 
 Thirty-eight various attendances to serve same 
 
 Service thereof . 
 
 Drawing memorandum of service 
 
 Attending to enter same 
 
 Entering same 
 
 Attending you concerning same 
 
 Accepted service of order to attend at the theatre, and gave 
 consent 
 
 Retaining-fee at box-office .- 
 
 Service of order on box-keeper 
 
 Self and wife, with six children, two of her cousins, her 
 brother and his son, two of my brothers, jny sister-in-law, 
 three nephews, four nieces, each attending for four hours 
 and a half to see the " Road to Ruin " and the " Beggars' 
 Opera," eighty-five hours and a half, at 3s. 4d. per hour 
 — very moderate 
 
 Coach-hire there and back 
 
 Attending you to acquaint you with particulars in general, 
 and concerning settlement particularly 
 
 Instructions for receipt 
 
 ;Co 
 
 1 2 J. 
 
 
 
 S 
 
 
 
 13 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 2 
 
 2 
 
 
 
 2 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 15 
 
 
 
 7 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 5 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 5 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 7 
 
 
 
 5 
 
 
 
 7 
 
 6 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 5 
 
 
 
 3 
 
 
 
 2 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 17 
 
 
 
 
 
 18 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 
 
 3 
 
348 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 
 /:o 
 
 SS. 
 
 ad. 
 
 Vacation-fee . . 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 Refreshing-fee . , 
 
 o 
 
 13 
 
 4 
 
 Perusing receipt and amending same 
 
 o 
 
 6 
 
 8 
 
 
 
 
 6 
 
 Engrossing on stamp .... . .... 
 
 o 
 
 2 
 
 6 
 
 Paid duty and paper 
 
 o 
 
 3 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 o 
 
 10 
 
 
 
 
 £6i 
 
 OS. 
 
 9rf. 
 
 To numerous, various, and a great variety of divers and 
 
 
 
 
 very many letters, messages, and attendances to, from, on, 
 
 
 
 
 and upon, you and your agents and others, pending a ne- 
 
 
 
 
 gotiation for settlement, far too numerous to be mentioned; 
 
 
 
 
 and an infinite deal of trouble, too troublesome to trouble 
 
 
 
 
 you with, or to be expressed, without more and further 
 
 
 
 
 trouble, but which you must, or can, or shall, or may 
 
 
 
 
 know or be informed of, what you please 
 
 
 
 
 - 
 
 £. 
 
 s. 
 
 d. 
 
 
 
 
 
 The ruthless reformers of these evil days have done 
 away with any necessity for the foregoing as a precedent, 
 but it may serve to remind the profession of that paradise 
 of compensation from which theoretically they have been 
 ejected. The lawyers used to be paid in proportion to 
 the number of words they employed. So naturally they 
 never were distinguished for conciseness. As the hack- 
 man carries the stranger roundabout so as to make a 
 large demand, so the ancient lawyer beat about the bush 
 with his verbal tediousness. Nowadays he goes straighter 
 to his destination, but the fare seems about as high as 
 ever. 
 
 DEATH OF SAMPSON BRASS. 
 
 I take it for granted that every lawyer is acquainted 
 with Mr. Sampson Brass, the attorney of Dickens's "Old 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 349 
 
 Curiosity Shop." Our concluding burlesque will relate 
 to him. It is somewhat notorious that there is one occa- 
 sion on which all the lawyers speak well of any other par- 
 ticular member of the profession ; and that is, when he is 
 dead, and his survivors hold a "bar-meeting" over him. 
 According to such meetings, no bad lawyer has ever 
 died ; and this may account for the lowered tone of the 
 profession, which the good editors of newspapers are so 
 unanimously lamenting in these days. Mr. John C. Greene 
 of Troy, N.Y., some years ago discovered, and transmitted 
 to "The Albany Law Journal" for publication, an ac- 
 count of the proceedings of the bar on the death of Mr. 
 Brass ; and by his permission, I reproduce it here : — 
 
 "POSTHUMOUS JUSTICE. 
 
 " The bales of old paper and rags gathered from the 
 ends of the earth, to be ' worked up ' by Yankee mills, 
 are full of curiosities. The chiffonier's hook penetrates, 
 sooner or later, the most secret places, and brings up to 
 the light many strange matters, — bundles of letters tied 
 with faded ribbon ; huge rolls of manuscript, ' rejected ' 
 (when their rejection meant starvation perhaps), and 
 gathered from pubHshers' waste-baskets ; quaint and curi- 
 ous volumes of forgotten lore ; account-books of defunct 
 firms ; pamphlets and tracts without number. Do you 
 ever think, brother, upon what a weird palimpsest you 
 are drawing your little innocent bill of costs, or your cold- 
 blooded affidavit? No, not you. 
 
 "Not long since, while visiting the extensive works 
 of my friends Pulp & Co. of Pulpville, the distinguished 
 paper-manufacturers, in a huge pile of material about to 
 be placed in the bleacher, I noticed and picked up a 
 
3So LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 pamphlet, which, as it contained many familiar names, 
 attracted my attention, and interested me at once. It is 
 entitled 'Proceedings and Resolutions of a meeting of 
 the Attorneys and Solicitors of London, upon the death 
 of Sampson Brass, Esq., late of Bevis Marks,' and con- 
 tains the speeches and resolutions made upon that mel- 
 ancholy occasion. I regret that the proceedings are too 
 lengthy to be published entire in this journal; but as 
 they are, I have made a synopsis of the more impor- 
 tant parts, which I hasten to present to my professional 
 brethren. 
 
 " The pamphlet appears to have been prepared by a 
 reporter who was present. It begins with the statement 
 that ' the meeting was largely attended, and was impres- 
 sive in its solemnity. Among those present were observed 
 the Hon. T. Traddles, one of the barons of the exchequer ; 
 Mr. Conversation Kenge and Mr. Carboy of Lincoln's 
 Inn; Mr. Dodson and Mr. Fogg of Freeman's Court; 
 Mr. Parker of Gray's Inn ; Mr. Vholes of Furnival's Inn ; 
 Mr. Witherden, Mr. Abel Garland, Mr. Jaggers, Mr. 
 Wemick, Mr. Solomon Pell, Mr. Mortimer Lightwood, 
 of the Temple ; Mr. Guppy, and many others. 
 
 " ' The meeting was organized by calling to the chair 
 the Hon. Baron Traddles, who said, upon taking his seat, 
 "Again, gendemen, pallid death has visited our profes- 
 sion ; and we are called upon to pay the last tribute of 
 respect to a departed brother. This occasion is one 
 of more than ordinary interest and solemnity. Our dis- 
 tinguished brother, Mr. Tupton Tulkinghorn, after a long 
 life of assiduous devotion to his profession, has passed to 
 his reward. Mr. Tulkinghorn was a man of no common 
 mould. He brought to the conduct of his business great 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 351 
 
 natural talents and assiduous cultivation. Untiring in his 
 application, his causes were thoroughly prepared ; and no 
 contingency could arise on their trial which his fore- 
 thought and research had not provided for. In his 
 devotion to the interests of his clients, he afforded to all 
 of us a bright example of professional fidelity, limited and 
 qualified, as it was, only by his quick moral perception 
 and sterling integrity. As a lawyer, his loss to the pro- 
 fession is irreparable. As a man, the kindliness of his 
 nature, his courtesy and affability in his daily intercourse 
 with his professional brethren, his generosity and frank- 
 ness, his scorn of all that was mean or dishonorable, has 
 fondly endeared him to us ; and it will be long before the 
 profession cease to cherish his memory and revere his 
 virtues." ' 
 
 " Mr. Guppy and Mr. Garland were then appointed 
 secretaries. Mr. Pell, Mr. Perker, and Mr. Wemick, 
 committee on resolutions. 
 
 " Mr. Kenge then spoke as follows : — 
 
 " [It is to be regretted that I am compelled to omit 
 portions of the speech of Mr. K., as my space is limited ; 
 and in condensing it, it will lose much of the fervor and 
 earnestness of the original.] He said, ' That the critical 
 analysis of character was often a difficult task, nearly 
 impossible when it was masked behind the conventionali- 
 ties, and he was sorry to add the hypocrisies, of life : but 
 in the case of our late friend and brother, the task was 
 easier; for so open and generous was his nature, that 
 hypocrisy was to him an impossibility ; and in every occur- 
 rence of his life the whole man stood revealed.' Mr. K. 
 spoke feelingly of Mr. Brass in his relations with his pro- 
 fessional brethren and his clients, and of his devotion to 
 
352 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 the interest of the latter. 'One incident in his life,' 
 Mr. K. continued, 'which, properly understood, reflected 
 credit upon his professional character, had been seized 
 upon by an anonymous Bohemian scribbler, writing under 
 the pseudonyme of " Boz," who never lost an opportu- 
 nity of attacking our profession, and so distorted as to 
 create for a short time an unfavorable impression of our 
 friend in non-professional circles ; but he thanked Heaven, 
 the deceased never for a moment lost the confidence 
 and esteem of the profession. That,' said Mr. K., 'I 
 believe to be the proudest eulogium that can be passed 
 upon any lawyer.' Mr. K. remarked at length upon the 
 attributes of the deceased as a man and a lawyer, and 
 spoke of the irreparable loss the profession had sustained 
 by his death. ' But,' said Mr. K., 'he has gone, full of 
 years and honors, to take his place in the stately vista of 
 the pillars of our profession.' Mr. K. concluded by an 
 affecting reference to the inroads which death had lately 
 made in the ranks of the profession, regretted our ina- 
 bihty to check the march of the ruthless destroyer, 
 counselled resignation to the inscrutable decrees of 
 Providence, and an unfaltering trust in the beneficent 
 intentions of the Creator. He eloquently and feelingly 
 compared the consolations of religion with those which 
 philosophy affords, and concluded with the quotation, — 
 
 " ' Philosophy and reason ! Ah, how vain 
 
 Their lessons to the feelings ! They but teach 
 To hide them deeper, and to show a calm, 
 Unruffled surface to the idle gaze.' 
 
 " ' He was followed,' says the report, ' by Mr. Vholes 
 of Fumival's, who spoke as follows : — 
 
SOATGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 353 
 
 " ' Mr. Chairman, — I have hastened from the funeral 
 solemnities of my aged father, who was recently buried 
 in the beautiful Vale of Taunton, where I have been 
 graciously permitted by Divine Providence to contribute 
 to his support for many years, to be present at this 
 mournful occasion. Mr. Chairman, I consider the cus- 
 tom of meeting to pay our tribute to our deceased breth- 
 ren as a most beautiful and beneficent one ; and I hope 
 that it may be long before it is abandoned. The careful 
 analysis of character which occasions like this ehcit, 
 teaches the lawyer that his whole duty is so to live that 
 he may be respected by the profession, and leave a com- 
 petency to his family. I can cordially unite in all that 
 has been said of the professional character and capacity 
 of our deceased brother. In his social relations, his 
 genial disposition and conversational powers left nothing 
 to be desired ; but that of which I desire principally to 
 speak, is the eminent purity of his life, and his deep 
 religious experience. Mr. Brass was a Christian gentle- 
 man, — nay, more, he was that embodiment of all that is 
 noble in man, the Christian lawyer ! His religious con- 
 victions had always been deep and abiding, his faith 
 simple and childlike : but for a short time before his 
 death, he seemed more thoroughly aroused, and deter- 
 mined in the future to devote himself more untiringly to 
 pious ministrations and works of love ; and he spoke 
 with affecting earnestness of the pleasure he anticipated 
 in more intimate association with active Christians. But 
 alas for the uncertainty of earthly hopes ! we now assem- 
 ble to mourn our loss, which is his eternal gain. Let us, 
 my fiiends, lay this afflicting dispensation to heart, and, 
 considering the frail tenure of Ufe, apply our hearts to 
 
354 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 wisdom ; for in such an hour as we think not, we may be 
 called to meet the realities of another world, and our 
 families be left to the cold charities of this, very inade- 
 quately provided for.' 
 
 "Mr. Witherden then addressed the meeting. He said 
 that he thought that the profession was generally apt to 
 lay too much stress upon the intellectual attainments of 
 lawyers, and to think too little of the qualities of their 
 hearts : he desired to bear testimony to the qualities of 
 the heart of the deceased, rather than to his eminent 
 professional attainments, which were known to all, and 
 required no eulogy at his hands. Mr. W. then spoke 
 at great length of the private and social virtues of the 
 deceased, and instanced many acts of charity and un- 
 selfish devotion. Mr. Witherden spoke feehngly of his 
 own relations with Mr. B., and concluded as follows : 
 'During nearly forty years of professional life, I was 
 constantly brought in contact with my deceased brother 
 in the relation, both of colleague and adversary; and 
 never in that long period was our intercourse darkened 
 by a cloud of suspicion, or disturbed by an unkind word 
 or a bitter thought. But thou art gone, my brother, my 
 companion — 
 
 " ' " No lovelier spirit than thine 
 
 Ever burst from its mortal control 
 In the realms of the blessed to shine ! " ' 
 
 "The reporter says, that, during the remarks of Mr. 
 Witherden, his partner, Mr. Garland, was so overcome 
 by his emotions as to require assistance to leave the 
 hall. 
 
 " Mr. Dodson of Freeman's Court, Cornhill, next ad- 
 
SONGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 355 
 
 dressed the chair as follows : ' I feel, Mr. Chairman, that 
 I cannot add any thing to the eloquent and deserved 
 tributes of respect that have been offered to the memory 
 of our lamented brother ; but I desire, as a humble mem- 
 ber of the profession which he adorned, and as an old 
 and familiar acquaintance of his, to signify my acquies- 
 cence in what has been said of his character. Perhaps 
 it may not be out of place for me to add, that if there 
 was one virtue for which our deceased friend was more 
 remarkable than another, it was the singular purity of his 
 relations toward his clients. He never stooped to specu- 
 lating in his clients' causes, — a practice common in these 
 days, and very reprehensible. He was a peace-maker, 
 and always discouraged personal actions, such as breach 
 of promise of marriage, and slander. He was a liberal 
 and kindly man. I recollect an instance illustrative of 
 these traits, to which my partner, Mr. Fogg, was witness, 
 and which, if he were present, he would confirm. He 
 had commenced an action against a poor man on a debt 
 of two pound ten : the debtor came to settle, and brought 
 with him the amount of the debt, and only three pound 
 five for costs. It was in Mr. Brass's power to demand a 
 much larger sum for costs, because he had just ordered 
 his clerk to go and file the declaration ; but the debtor's 
 distress at the suggestion was so evident, that he waived 
 his right, and exacted only the trifling sum mentioned. 
 I never shall forget the amiable and compassionate smile 
 that irradiated his features as he sat at his desk and 
 wrote an acquittance ; and when he handed it to the 
 debtor, saying, "There, there; no matter about the 
 stamp," I was quite overcome with admiration. 
 
 " ' Another trait of Mr. Brass's character was his deli- 
 
3S6 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 cacy and consideration for the feelings of others. A gen- 
 tleman, against whom a cause of action had once been 
 placed in his hands for enforcement, having called, in 
 response to a letter from Mr. Brass, and the interview 
 having terminated unsatisfactorily, he sent a clerk to 
 serve the writ on him in the street, just outside the door, 
 rather than serve it himself in his own office. 
 
 " ' These are unimportant matters when separately con- 
 sidered ; but it is their aggregate that renders the reputa- 
 tion of Sampson Brass so deserving of emulation, and so 
 firmly fixed in the memory of his brethren, his clients, 
 and those against whom he was employed. " Monumen- 
 ium ai'e perennius." ' 
 
 " Mr. Guppy followed. He spoke of the ready assist- 
 ance always furnished by Mr. Brass to young lawyers, 
 and of his great acumen. Mr. G. said, ' For many years 
 I never noticed taxation of a bill of costs, without first 
 submitting it to my friend ; and I do not recall an in- 
 stance in which the bill was not raised from fifteen shil- 
 lings to three pounds by his untiring research.' 
 
 " The report then gives the speeches of Messrs. Fogg, 
 Perker, Wertiick, and others ; but I have room for the 
 remarks of Mr. Lightwood only. Mr. L. was the last 
 speaker, and said, — 
 
 " ' Mr. Chairman, I had not intended to say any thing 
 upon this melancholy and interesting occasion, knowing, 
 as I did, that there would be no lack of those who would 
 desire to pay a tribute to the worth of our departed friend ; 
 and so I came here entirely without preparation. Yet I 
 cannot forbear to trespass a little upon the time of the 
 meeting. 
 
 " ' As our lamented brother was my senior by a score 
 
SO^TGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 357 
 
 of years, I knew him better as a lawyer than as a man ; 
 and it was not my privilege to meet him in those social 
 relations in which his genial nature and kindly heart 
 endeared him to his intimate acquaintances. It is as 
 an attorney, then, that I shall speak of him. His dis- 
 tinguishing characteristic was the zeal with which he 
 pursued the interests of his clients, and the unflagging 
 industry which he brought to the preparation of his 
 causes. It has been remarked to me by Lord Chief 
 Justice Wraybum, that when he was at the bar, he was 
 never so well briefed as when he was retained by Mr. 
 Brass. Said his lordship, " Nothing was so minute as to 
 be overlooked, and no contingency so improbable as not 
 to be provided for. Every question for the examination 
 of his witnesses was carefully prepared and elaborately 
 written out; and," added his lordship, with suppressed 
 emotion, " his witnesses were equally well prepared for 
 the questions." In one of my earhest causes, which, 
 from its importance, was much talked of at the time, — I 
 refer to Riderhood v. The London and Hamburgh Steam- 
 ship Co., — I had the good fortune to be associated 
 with the late Mr. Brass. Of the qualities, as a lawyer, 
 which he displayed in the preparation of that casp, I 
 cannot speak too highly. My friend. Lord Wraybum, 
 who held the brief for the plaintiff, remarked to me, upon 
 the coming in of the verdict, which was for two thousand 
 pounds, " that we were indebted for it chiefly to the zeal 
 and ingenuity of my colleague in searching for witnesses 
 in and about Lime-'us-hole, and in preparing, arranging, 
 and reconciling their evidence ; " and added his lordship 
 feelingly, " in this case,the client was worthy of the lawyer." 
 In common with the rest of the profession, I deplore a 
 loss that, I fear, this generation cannot supply.' 
 
358 LAW AND LAWYEHS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 " Then follows in the pamphlet the report of the com- 
 mittee on resolutions : their substance is as follows : — 
 
 "i. Recognizes in this bereavement the hand of Di- 
 vine Providence. 
 
 " 2. Avers that the profession are called to mourn the 
 loss of one who had few equals and no superiors as a 
 lawyer and a man, the quality both of his head and 
 heart. 
 
 " 3. Tenders sympathy to the wife and children of de- 
 ceased. 
 
 " 4. That we attend the funeral in a body. 
 
 "5. That the proceedings, etc., be published, and cop- 
 ies transmitted, etc. 
 
 " I need not say how this little book delighted me. I 
 had been somewhat prejudiced, I blush to confess, 
 against Mr. B., by some malicious reports that had 
 been circulated concerning him by the Bohemian news- 
 paper writer referred to in one of the speeches given 
 above ; but upon a perusal of this pamphlet, I am con- 
 vinced that Mr. B. was as good as the rest of us. I 
 was somewhat puzzled by the name of Tulkinghorn ap- 
 pearing in the remarks of the Hon. Baron who pre- 
 sided, and also by the words, 'the wife and children,' 
 in the third resolution, as it is well known Mr. B. 
 never married ; but these eiTors are very naively ex- 
 plained in the ' errata ' upon the last page of the report, 
 which I give entire, as it contains some hints which it 
 would be well for the profession in this country to act 
 upon, as much labor might be saved. 
 
SOJVGS, ODES, AND BURLESQUES. 359 
 
 " ' Errata. 
 
 " ' Since the foregoing pages were printed, we have 
 received from the Hon. Baron Traddles a note, explana- 
 tory of the appearance in his remarks of the name of 
 Mr. Tupton Tulkinghorn instead of that of Mr. S. Brass. 
 He says, " The mortifying error in my remarks was occa- 
 sioned by the carelessness of ray clerk in filling out the 
 printed blank form of chairman's speech. It seems he 
 was so much impressed with the tragic fate of the late 
 Mr. T., that he inserted his name in the blank left for 
 the purpose instead of that of Mr. Brass ; and at the 
 meeting I was too much overcome by my emotion to 
 observe it." 
 
 " ' Also, in the third resolution, for " the wife and chil- 
 dren " read " the beautiful and accomplished sister." The 
 error occurred from the fact that the committee on reso- 
 lutions were not personally acquainted with the deceased, 
 and neglected to strike out the words "the wife and 
 family " from the printed form. 
 
 " ' Reporter.' " 
 
36o LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 VII. 
 
 CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 
 
 Under this head may be set down Lucian's piece, 
 entitled " Bis Accusatus ; " or, " The Double Indictment." 
 In this the causes of " Drunkenness v. The Academy," 
 "Stoa V. Pleasure," "Virtue v. Luxury," "Rhetoric v. A 
 Syrian," and " Dialogue v. The Same," are argued, at the 
 command of Jupiter, before Justice, aided by Mercury as 
 a sort of sheriff, and an Athenian jury. These are causes, 
 which among others, have been accumulating until the 
 king of gods yields to the entreaties of mortals, and de- 
 spatches his daughter. Justice, much against her wUl, to 
 earth to dispose of them, with an ultimate appeal to him. 
 Mercury makes proclamation of the court, announcing 
 that the number of the judges will be determined by the 
 importance of the charge in the indictment. " If one 
 or another, having begun his process, shall die before 
 sentence is passed, ^acus has orders to send him imme- 
 diately back." The effect of this proclamation is de- 
 scribed by Pan : " Heavens ! what a noise is here ! What 
 a clamor ! How they crowd together ! With what pre- 
 cipitancy they are clambering up the hill to the Are- 
 opagus ! How one hangs to the skirts of the other, and 
 every one is resolved to be the first ! . . . Speeches at 
 the bar I have had enough to surfeit me, for I hear them 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS, 361 
 
 every day on the Areopagus." Justice observes, "The 
 people stand very thick, and make a great noise, hum- 
 ming and buzzing all round the citadel, like so many 
 wasps." She then calls the case of " Drunkenness v. The 
 Academy," saying, "Let Drunkenness open the case. 
 Now ? What ails you ? Go, Mercury, and ask her what 
 is the matter ! " 
 
 Mercury. " She says she cannot produce the charges 
 herself, because the wine has tied up her tongue. ' I am 
 afraid they will laugh at me,' she said, ' when they hear 
 what a stammering I make : you see that I can scarce 
 stand on my feet.' " 
 
 yustice. " Then, let her employ a proper attorney. 
 There are advocates enough at hand, who are ready to 
 split their lungs for three oboli," — about fourpence 
 sterling. But in the absence of any who seemed willing 
 to plead the cause of Drunkenness, says Mercury, " The 
 Academy is always ready to speak on both sides, pro 
 and con, and professes to make it equally clear that a 
 thing is black, and that it is white. She can, therefore, 
 she says, first plead for me, and afterward for herself." 
 And so she does, and wins her own cause by every vote 
 but one. " Stoa v. Pleasure " is next taken up ; Epicurus 
 speaking for the defendant, who wins unanimously. The 
 plaintiff appeals to Jupiter. " Virtue v. Luxury " is next 
 called j but Justice rules, that as it is identical with the 
 last cause, it must await the decision of Jupiter on the 
 appeal, and directs Mercury not to pay the jury any fees, 
 because there has been no determination. Mercury 
 exclaims, " So, then, these good old chuffs, who have 
 clambered up the hill, are to have their labor for their 
 pains." The Syrian then beats Rhetoric and Dialogue. 
 
362 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 In the latter case the judges keep their seats, and receive 
 double fees, on account, I suppose, of the tediousness 
 of the cause. The whole piece is a satire upon the 
 philosophers and rhetoricians of Greece : but it is hard 
 to believe that some of Pan's remarks on them were not 
 intended equally for the lawyers who were so " ready to 
 spilt their lungs " for a trifle ; as for instance, the follow- 
 ing : " At first, when they converse together, about their 
 trumpery, they are calm and peaceable : but when once 
 they get deeper into dispute, they gradually raise their 
 voices to such a pitch that they can strain them no 
 higher, and scream as if they were singing a war-song ; 
 so that from sheer exertion, and striving to outbawl one 
 another, their faces become red as scarlet, their necks 
 swell, and their veins rise like a trumpeter's. By roaring 
 all together at the same time, they lose sight of the argu- 
 ment, confound the hundredth proposition with the thou- 
 sandth; and after having insulted one another with aU 
 kinds of abuse, they separate, wiping with their iingers 
 the sweat off' their foreheads ; and he that has bawled the 
 loudest, and dealt out the most opprobrious epithets, is 
 generally looked upon as the conqueror. In the mean 
 time the crowd, composed chiefly of people who have 
 nothing to do, stand round, and take delight in hearing 
 the fellows vie with each other in insolence and clamor. 
 . . . Whether the public may receive any benefit from 
 their noise and impudence, or what they themselves can 
 gain by their reasonings and disputations, I do not pre- 
 tend to know." 
 
 The following is the trial of the dog, from Racine's 
 " Les Plaideurs : " — 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 363 
 
 "Danditt. Come, who are you down there? 
 
 Liandre. These are the advocates. 
 
 Dandin (to the Prompter). And you ? 
 
 Prompter. I come to help their halting memory. 
 
 Dandin. I understand. And you ? 
 
 Uandre. I'm the auditory. 
 
 Dandin. Commence then. 
 
 Prompter. Gentlemen — 
 
 Petit Jean. Oh ! take a lower key, 
 
 For if you prompt so loud they never can hear me. 
 My lord — 
 
 Dandin. Put on your hat.' 
 
 Petit Jean. O sir — 
 
 Dandin. I say, put on your hat. 
 
 Petit Jean. O sir ! 
 I think I understand good breeding better'n that. 
 
 Dandin. Be covered, I repeat. 
 
 Petit Jean (putting on his hat, to Prompter). Well, 
 Prompter, now be dumb ; 
 That which I know the best is my exordium. 
 Your honors, when I consider with exactitude 
 The world's inconstancy, full of vicissitude ; 
 When I behold so many races different. 
 So many wandering stars, not one star permanent ; 
 When I view Czesar and his fortune ; 
 When I behold the sun, when I behold the moon; 
 When I behold the state of the Babylonians, 
 Transferred from Persia to the Macedonians ; 
 When I behold the Lorraines, at first despotic. 
 Pass to a monarchy, and then grow democratic ; 
 When I behold Japan — 
 
 VIntimd. When will he stop beholding ? 
 
 Petit Jean. Oh dear ! why will he interrupt me with his 
 scolidng ? 
 I cannot speak a word. 
 
 ' Tile French lawyers were privileged to plead covered. 
 
364 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Dandin. Restive attorney, 
 
 Why don't you let him finish up his journey ? 
 Wlien I'm a-sweat to learn if he'n Japan discover 
 A harbor for his capon, and thus his wandering's over, 
 You've interrupted him with your discourse absurd: 
 Now, advocate, proceed. 
 
 Petit yean. I can't. I've lost the word. 
 
 Liandre. Out with it. Little John. Your debut none de- 
 rides. 
 But why d'ye keep your arms stuck close against your sides ? 
 And stand upon your feet like a statue perpendicular ? 
 Come, brighten up, don't be afraid, we're not particular. 
 
 Petit Jean {moving his arms). When — I behold — when 
 — I behold — 
 
 Uandre. Well, what ? you dunce ! 
 
 Petit Jean. Why, how can one expect to course two 
 hares at once ? 
 
 Prompter. 'Tis said — 
 
 Petit Jean. 'Tis said — 
 
 Prompter. In the — 
 
 Petit Jean. In the — 
 
 Prompter. Metamorphosis — 
 
 Petit Jean. What say ? 
 
 Prompter. That the metem — 
 
 Petit Jean. That the metem — 
 
 Prompter. Sychosis — 
 
 Petit Jean. Sychosis — 
 
 Prompter. Oh dear! The horse — 
 
 Petit Jean. The horse — 
 
 Prompter. Again said ! 
 
 Petit Jean. Again — 
 
 Prompter. The dog. 
 
 Petit Jean. The dog — 
 
 Prompter. O blockhead! 
 
 Petit Jean. The blockhead— 
 
 Prompter. Plague take this advocate ! 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 365 
 
 Petit Jean. The plague on you be cast ! 
 
 See t'other fellow, too, with's face like Lenten fast ! 
 Go to the Devil, all ! 
 
 Dandin. Come, on to business push. 
 
 Petit Jean. Oh dear me ! what's the use of beating round 
 the bush ? 
 They teach me to speak words in length a fathom each, 
 Big sounding words, that would from here to Pontoise reach ; 
 Now, I don't see the sense of all this hurly-burly : 
 In short, to find a fowl I came this morning early ; 
 There's naught your dog won't steal, if it but take the shape 
 
 on 
 Of fowl : and now he's gone and gobbled up our capon, — 
 A capon from the Maine ; here's nothing to decide : 
 The first time that I find him, I'll soundly tan his hide. 
 
 Uandre. A very neat conclusion, worthy your setting 
 out! 
 
 Petit Jean. Oh, carp who will ! One knows my meaning 
 without doubt. 
 
 Dandin. Produce your witnesses. 
 
 Uandre. Well said, if he's got any. 
 
 They don't come for the wish : they cost a deal of money. 
 
 Petit Jean. We have a plenty, though ; and they're be- 
 yond reproach. 
 
 Dandin. Let them present themselves. 
 
 Petit Jean. I have them in my pouch. 
 
 Behold them! here they are, — the capon's legs and head! 
 Examine them and judge. 
 
 VIntimd. I object to them. 
 
 Dandin. Well said ! 
 
 But why object ? 
 
 Ulnttmd. They're from the Maine : ' their trade's to 
 cozen. 
 
 Dandin. True, these Maine witnesses crowd in here by 
 the dozen. 
 
 ' 1 infer that the inhabitants of Maine were notorious " experts." 
 
366 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 VIntimJ. Your honor — 
 
 Dandin. Tell me, sir, shall you be expeditious ? 
 
 VIntimi. I cannot answer any thing. 
 
 Dandin. Why, that's judicious. 
 
 VIntimi{j.n a tone ending in a squeal). My lords, all that 
 can astound the culpable, 
 All that which mortals hold the most redoubtable, 
 Against us here assembled, seems to be in league, — 
 In short, I mean to say, eloquence and intrigue. 
 The fame of the deceased on one hand stands t' admonish, 
 On t' other, eloquence doth equally astonish, — 
 The shining eloquence of master Little John. 
 
 Dandin. Say, can't you soften down the shrillness of 
 your tone ? 
 
 DIntimi (in his ordinary -voice). Oh, yes ! I've many of 
 them. {In a pompous tone.) Whatever diffidence 
 May justly be aroused by said fame and eloquence, 
 We rest upon your truth, as Hope leans on the anchor, 
 And trust your sense of right to mitigate all rancor. 
 Before the great Dandin innocence is power ; 
 Yes, before the Cato of Normandy, the lower, 
 That sun of equity whose beams have never languished ; 
 Vict'ry delights the gods ; but Cato's for the vanquished. 
 
 Dandin. Now truly he pleads well. 
 
 L'IntimJ. To make no further pause, 
 
 I take my cue, and go to the merits of my cause. 
 Aristotle wisely says, in his Politikon, — 
 
 Dandin. Why, advocate, the point is now about a capon, 
 And not of Aristotle and his politics. 
 
 VIntimL But the authority of the Peripatetics 
 Has proved that good and evil — 
 
 Dandin. . In courts of equity 
 
 Your Aristotle hasn't the least authority. 
 Come, to the point. 
 
 L'Intimi. Pausanias, in his Corinthiacs, — 
 
 Dandin. To the point. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 367 
 
 VIntitni. RebufE — 
 
 Dandin. To the point, I tell you. 
 
 VTntimi. The great Jacques — 
 
 Dandin. The point, the point, the point ! 
 
 UlntimS. Harmenopul, in fact, — 
 
 Dandin. I'll enter your default. 
 
 Ulntimd. Oh dear, how rash you act ! 
 
 Then have the facts. (Q^ickfy.) This dog to the kitchen 
 
 drawing nigh, 
 A capon plump and sweet within he did espy : 
 Now, he for whom I speak with hunger there was hasting; 
 He against whom I speak was nicely plucked and basting; 
 Then he for whom I speak, seized on, took off, secreted 
 Him against whom I speak. The larder thus depleted, 
 He's taken on a writ. Counsel plead pro and con : 
 A day's fixed. I'm to speak, I speak, and now I've done. 
 
 Dandin. Tut, tut, tut, tut ! Learn better how to try your 
 case. 
 Th' irrelevant you give at a deliberate pace, 
 Th' important you run over at a gallop strong. 
 
 DIntimd. The former, may it please you, sir, is fine. 
 
 Dandin. It's wrong. 
 
 Were causes ever known to be in this way pleaded ? 
 What say th' assembly ? 
 
 Liandre. This style is now most heeded. 
 
 VIntimd {in a vehement tone). Where were we, gentle- 
 men ? They come. And how come ? 
 They chase my client, and they force a mansion. 
 What mansion ? Why, the mansion of our own judge. 
 They force the cellar which serves us for refuge. 
 Of brigandage they then accuse us, and of theft : 
 We're then dragged headlong forth, and to our accusers left, 
 To master Little John, your honor — I attest. 
 Who does not know the law ; If any Dog (Digest 
 De vi, and see the paragraph Caponibus) 
 Is manifestly contrary to such abuse? 
 
368 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 And when it turned out true that my poor client Citron 
 
 Had eaten all or most of the aforesaid capon, 
 
 Against this trifling deed you will not hesitate 
 
 To weigh our former actions, and let them mitigate. 
 
 When has my client ever been reprimanded ? 
 
 By whom has this your house always been defended ? 
 
 When have we failed to bark at robbers in our town ? 
 
 Witness three low attorneys, from whom we've torn the gown. 
 
 They show you certain fragments to accuse us by ; 
 
 Receive these other fragments to help us justify. 
 
 Petit Jean. But Adam — 
 
 VIntimd. You keep still. 
 
 Petit Jean. L'Intimd — 
 
 Vlntimi. You're too rude. 
 
 Petit Jean. He's hoarse ! 
 
 VIntimL Shut up ! 
 
 Dandin. Repose a moment, then conclude. 
 
 nintimiifn a wheezing voice). Since, then, a moment's 
 rest to catch our breath's permitted. 
 And formal peroration's not t' be intermitted, 
 I come, without omission or prevarication, 
 Compendiously t' enunciate an explication. 
 And hold up to your eyes a general exposition 
 Of all my cause, and all my client's imposition. 
 
 Dandin. T' repeat the same thing twenty times, he pre- 
 fers by far, 
 Than once t' abridge. O man, or whatever else you are, 
 Devil, conclude ! or Heaven seize thee with damnation ! 
 
 Vlntimd. I finish. 
 
 Dandin. Oh 1 
 
 VIntimi. Before the world's creation — 
 
 Dandin. Oh, skip over to the Flood ! 
 
 VlntimS. Well, then, before the birth 
 
 Of time, of the material system, and of the earth, — 
 The world, the universe, and nature universal 
 Lay buried in the bosom of the material. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 369 
 
 The elements, — the fire, the air, the earth, the water, — 
 Piled up or buried, are naught but a heap of matter, 
 A dire confusion of matter without form. 
 Chaos, disorder, and brooding rout enorm. 
 As Ovid sings, there was, on all the face of nature, — 
 Called chaos by the Greeks, — one rude, indefinite feature. 
 (Dandin, being sleepy, nods, and falls heavily^ 
 
 Ldandre. My father, what a tumble ! 
 
 Petit Jean. See how he drops his head ! 
 
 Uandre. Come, father, rouse yourself ! 
 
 Petit yean. Your honor, are you dead ? 
 
 Ldandre. Father ! I say. 
 
 Dandin. Well, well ! what ? who ? a man, it seems. 
 
 Truly, I've been asleep, and had most awful dreams. 
 
 Uandre. Come, sir, decide. 
 
 Dandin. To the galleys ! 
 
 Liandre. You hardly can, sir, 
 
 Commit a dog that way. 
 
 Dandin. No more — you have my answer. 
 
 What with the world and chaos, I've such a muddled pate ! 
 Wind up this cause. 
 
 Ulntim^ {presenting the puppies to Mm). Come hither, 
 you family desolate : 
 Come, little ones, whom he would orphans render, 
 Give utterance to your understandings tender. 
 Yes, gentlemen, you here behold our misery : 
 Restore a father to his orphaned family ; 
 Our father dear, by whom we were engendered — 
 Our father dear — 
 
 Dandin. This issue can't be tendered. 
 
 DIntimi. Our father, gentlemen — 
 
 Dandin. Don't such a noise be keeping. 
 
 They're making a great muss there — 
 
 Vlntimd. That's our way of weeping ! 
 
 Dandin. Why, now, I seem to be quite taken with com- 
 passion ; 
 
370 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATUKE. 
 
 And this which I behold is fit to touch that passion ! 
 I am quite bothered here. The fact alleged so presses : 
 A crime's averred; th' accused himself confesses. 
 But if he is condemned, equal's th' embarrassment ; 
 For then these pretty children must be to th' asylum sent. 
 But I am occupied. I cannot see a person.'' 
 
 Dogs have always been a favorite subject of imaginary 
 trials, as we have seen in Aristophanes and Racine. In 
 1681-82 the Earl of Argyle was tried and convicted of 
 high treason in refusing the test oath without certain 
 quahfications. Halifax told Charles II. he understood 
 not the Scotch law, but the English law would not have 
 hanged a dog for such a crime. Clarendon blessed God 
 he lived not in a country where there were such laws. 
 The very hospital children made a mockery of the reason- 
 ing of the crown lawyers. The boys of Heriot's Hospital 
 resolved among themselves that the house-dog belonging 
 to that establishment held a public ofiSce, and ought to 
 take the test. The paper being presented to him, he 
 refused to swallow the same, unless it was rubbed over 
 with butter. Being then buttered, the dog swallowed it, 
 and was then accused and condemned for having taken 
 the test with a quahfication, as in the case of Argyle. 
 There is an exceedingly rare "Account of the Arraign- 
 ment, Trial, Escape, and Condemnation of the Dog of 
 Heriot's Hospital in Scotland, that was supposed to have 
 been hang'd, but did at last slip the halter.'' The pris- 
 soner's escape was urged as additional proof of his guilt ; 
 and proclamation of attainder was issued against this 
 " cutt - lugged, brownish-coloured Mastiff Tyke, called 
 Watch, short-leged and of low stature." 
 
 The dog is again made a scape-goat in " The Trial of 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 371 
 
 Farmer Carter's Dog for Murder," written in 1771, by 
 Edward Long, some time Judge of the Admiralty Court 
 of Jamaica, which purports to have been composed in 
 consequence of " a real event which actually took place 
 in 1 771, near Chichester." The names of the justices 
 engaged in the event ridiculed have been preserved, and 
 it is said that the court were long and well known by the 
 nicknames assigned then in Mr. Long's pamphlet. In 
 presenting this admirable satire in full, I regret that I 
 cannot reproduce the accompanying picture of the crimi- 
 nal, shackled and haltered, sitting bolt upright, in mortal 
 terror. 
 
 " County of Sexgotham, ss. 
 
 At a High Court of Oyer and Terminer and Gaol- 
 Delivery, holden this day of , 1771, at Gotham 
 
 HaU. 
 
 Present — The Worshipful J. Bottle, Esq., President. 
 
 A. Noodle, Mat o' the Mill, Osmyn Ponser, Esqs., 
 Just-asses and Associates. 
 
 Game-act, Plaintiff, v. Porter, Defendant. The court 
 having met, the indictment was read, which we omit for 
 the sake of brevity. 
 
 Court. Prisoner, hold up your paw at the bar. 
 
 First Counsel. He is sullen, and refuses. 
 
 Court. Is he so ? Why, then, let the constable hold 
 it up, nolens volens. (Which was done according to 
 order.) 
 
 Court. What is the prisoner's name ? 
 
 Constable. P — P — Po — rt — er, an't please your 
 worship. 
 
 Court. What does the fellow say ? 
 
372 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Constable. Porter! an't please you ; Porter. 
 
 Mat. He says Porter. It's the name of a liquor the 
 London kennel^ much delight in. 
 
 Ponser. Ay ! 'tis so ; and I remember another name- 
 sake of his. I was hand in glove with him. I'll tell you 
 a droll story about him. 
 
 Court. Hush, brother. Culprit, how will you be 
 tried? 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Please your worship, he won't say 
 a word. Stat mutus, — as mute as a fish." 
 
 Here imagine the before-described picture inserted. 
 
 " Court. How ? — what ? — won't the dog speak ? 
 Won't he -do what this court bids him ? What's to be 
 done ? Is the dignity of this court to be trifled with in 
 such a manner ? 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Please your worships, it is pro- 
 vided by the statute in these cases, that when a culprit is 
 stubborn, and refuses to plead, he is to be made to plead, 
 whether he will or no. 
 
 Court. Ay ? How's that, pray ? 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Why, the statute says that he must 
 first of all be thumb-screwed. 
 
 Court. Very good. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. If that will not do, he must be laid 
 flat on his back, and squeezed like a cheese in a press 
 with heavy weights. 
 
 Court. Very well, and what then ? 
 
 Counsel for Pros. What then? Why, when all the 
 breath is squeezed out of his body, if he should still con- 
 tinue dumb, which sometimes has been the case, he 
 generally dies for want of breath. 
 
 * His worship meant canaille. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 373 
 
 Court. Very likely. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. And thereby saves the court a 
 great deal of trouble, and the nation the expense of 
 a halter. 
 
 Court. Well, then, since the law stands thus — con- 
 stable, twist a cord about the culprit's forepaws — 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Four paws ! Why, he has but 
 two. 
 
 Court. Fore paws, or fore feet, blockhead ! and 
 strain it as tight as you can till you make him open his 
 mouth. (The constable attempted to enforce the order, 
 but in drawing a little too hard, received a severe bite.) 
 
 Constable. 'S blood and suet ! He has snapped off 
 a piece off my nose. 
 
 Court. Mr. Constable, you are within the statute of 
 swearing, and owe the court one shilling. 
 
 Constable. Zounds and death, your worships ! I could 
 not help it for the blood o' me. 
 
 Court. Now you owe us two shillings. 
 
 Constable. That's a d — d bad plaster, your worships, 
 for a sore nose ! 
 
 Court. That being but half an oath, the whole fine 
 amounts to two shillings and sixpence, or a half-crown 
 bowl. So, without going further, if you are afraid of his 
 teeth, apply this pair of nut-crackers to his tail. 
 
 Constable. I shall, your worships. (He had better 
 success with the tail, as will now appear.) 
 
 Prisoner. Bow, wow, wow, wow, wow ! 
 
 Court. Hold, enough ! that will do. 
 
 It was now held, that though the prisoner expressed 
 himself in a strange language, yet as he could speak no 
 other, and as the law cannot only make dogs to speak, 
 
374 L^W ^ND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 but explain their meaning, too, so the law understood 
 and inferred that the prisoner pleaded not guilty, and put 
 himself upon his trial. Issue, therefore, being joined, 
 the counsel for the prosecution proceeded to address the 
 court, but was stopped by the other side. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. I take leave to demur to the 
 jurisdiction of the court. If he is to have a trial per 
 pares, you must either suppose their worships to be his 
 equals ; that is to say, not his betters, which would be a 
 great indignity : or else you must have a venire for a jury 
 of twelve dogs. I think you are fairly caught in this 
 dilemma. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. By no means: it is easily cured. 
 We'll send the constable with a mandamus to his Grace's 
 kennel. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. They are foxhounds. Not the 
 same species, — therefore, not his equals. I do not 
 object to the harriers, nor to a tales de circumstantibus. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. That's artful, brother; but it won't 
 take. I smoke your intention of garbling a jury. You 
 know the harriers will be partial, and acquit your cUent 
 at any rate. Neither will we have any thing to do with 
 your tales. 
 
 Mat. No, no : you say right. I hate your tales and 
 tale-bearers. They are a rascally pack altogether. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Besides, the statute gives your 
 worships ample jurisdiction in this case : and if it did 
 not give it, your worships know how to take it ; because 
 the law says, boni est judicis ampliare jurisdictionem. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Then I demur for irregularity. 
 The prisoner is a dog, and cannot be triable as a man. 
 Ergo, not within the intent of the statute. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 375 
 
 Counsel for Pros. That's a poor subterfuge. If the 
 statute respects a man (a fortiori) , it will affect a dog. 
 
 Ponser. You are certainly right : for when I was in 
 the Turkish dominions, I saw an Hebrew Jew put to 
 death for killing a dog ; although dog was the aggressor. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. A case in point, please your wor- 
 ships, and a very curious and learned one it is ; and the 
 plain induction from it is this : that the Jew (who I take 
 for granted was a man), being put to death for killing a 
 dog, it follows that said dog was as respectable a person, 
 and of equal rank in society with the said Jew; and 
 therefore — ergo -^ and moreover, that said dog so slain 
 was, to all and every purpose of legal inference and in- 
 tendment, neither more nor less than a man. 
 
 Court. We are all clearly of that opinion. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. Please your worships of the hon- 
 orable bench. On Saturday, the — of February, in- 
 stant, on or about the hour of five in the afternoon, the 
 deceased Mr. Hare was travelling quietly about his busi- 
 ness, in a certain highway or road leading towards Muck- 
 ingham ; and then and there, the prisoner at the bar, 
 being in the same road, in and upon the body of the 
 deceased, with force and arms, a violent assault did 
 make ; and further, not having the fear of your worships 
 before his eyes, but being moved and seduced by the 
 instigation of a devilish fit of hunger, he the said pris- 
 oner did him, the said deceased, in the peace of our lord 
 of the manor then and there being, feloniously, wickedly, 
 wantonly, and of malice aforethought, tear, wound, pull, 
 haul, tousle, macerate, masticate, lacerate, and dislocate, 
 and otherwise evilly entreat ; of all and singular which 
 tearings, woundings, pullings, haulings, tousleings, mas- 
 
376 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 tications, and so forth, maliciously inflicted in manner 
 and form aforesaid, the said Hare did languish, and lan- 
 guishing did die, in Mr. Just-ass Ponser's horse-pond, to 
 wit: and that is to say, contrary to the statute in that 
 case made and provided, and against the peace of our 
 said lord, his manor and dignity. 
 
 This, please your worships, is the purport of the in- 
 dictment : to this indictment the prisoner has pleaded 
 not guilty, and now stands upon his trial before this 
 honorable bench. 
 
 -Your worships will therefore allow me, before I come 
 to call our evidence, to expatiate a little upon the heinous 
 sin of which the prisoner at the bar is charged. Hem ! 
 — to murder — Ehem ! — to murder, may it please your 
 worships, in Latin, is — is — murderare ; or in the true 
 and original sense of the word, murder-ha-re . H, as 
 your worships well know, being not as yet raised to the 
 dignity of a letter by any act of parliament, it foUows that 
 it plainly is no other than murder-a-re, according to 
 modern refined pronunciation. The very root and ety- 
 mology of the word does therefore comprehend in itself 
 a thousand volumes in foho, to show the nefarious and 
 abominable guilt of the prisoner in the commission and 
 perpetration of this horrid fact. And it must appear as 
 clear as sunshine to your worships, that the word murder- 
 are, which denotes the prisoner's crime, was expressly 
 and originally applied to that crime, and to that only, as 
 being the most superlative of all possible crimes in the 
 world. I do not deny, that since it first came out of the 
 mint, it has through corruption been affixed to offences 
 of a less criminal nature, such as killing a man, a woman, 
 or a child. But the sense of the earliest ages having 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 377 
 
 Stamped hare-murder, or murder-ha-re (as the old books 
 have it), with such extraordinary atrociousness, I am 
 sure that Just-asses of your worships' acknowledged and 
 well-known wisdom, piety, erudition, and humanity, will 
 not at this time of the day be persuaded to hold it less 
 detestable and sinful. Having said thus much on the 
 nature of the prisoner's guilt, I mean not to aggravate 
 the charge, because I shall always feel due compassion 
 for my feUow-creatures, however wickedly they may de- 
 mean themselves. I shall next proceed, with your wor- 
 ships' leave, to call our witnesses. Call Lawrence Lurcher 
 and Toby Tunnel. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. I must object to swearing these 
 witnesses. I can prove they were both of them drunk, 
 and non compos, during the whole evening when this act 
 is supposed to have been committed. 
 
 Bottle. That will do you no service : I am very often 
 drunk myself, and never more in my senses than at such 
 times. 
 
 Court. We all agree in this point with brother Bottle. 
 (Objection overruled, and witnesses sworn.) 
 
 Lurcher. As I and Toby Tunnel here was a-going 
 hoam to Squire Ponser's, along the road, one evening 
 after dark, we sees the prisoner at the bar, or somebody 
 like him, lay hold of the deceased, or somebody like him, 
 by the back, an't please your worships. So, says I, Toby, 
 says I, that looks, for all the world, like one of Squire 
 Ponser's hares. So the deceased cried out pitifully for 
 help, and jumped over a hedge, and the prisoner after 
 him, growling and swearing bitterly all the way. So, 
 says I, Toby, let's run after 'um. So I scrambled up the 
 hedge; but Toby laid hold of ray leg to help himself 
 
378 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 up, SO both of US tumbled through a thick furze bush 
 into the ditch. So next moming, as we was a-going by 
 the squire's, we sees the deceased in his worship's horse- 
 pond. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Are you sure he was dead? 
 
 Lurcher. Ay, as dead as my great-grandmother. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. What did you do with the body? 
 
 Ponser. That's not a fair question. It ought not to 
 be answered. 
 
 Lurcher. I bean't ashamed nor afeard to tell, not I. 
 We carried it to his worship Squire Ponser ; and his wor- 
 ship had him roasted, with a pudding in his belly, for 
 dinner, that same day. 
 
 Counsel for Pros. That is nothing to the purpose. 
 Have you any more questions for the witness ? 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Yes, I have. Pray, friend, how 
 do you know the body you found was the very same you 
 saw on the evening before ? 
 
 Lurcher. I can't tell, but I'm ready to take my Bible 
 oath on't. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. That is a princely argument, and 
 I shall ask you nothing further. 
 
 Mrs. Margery Dripping, cook to his worship Squire 
 Ponser, deposed to the condition of the deceased. 
 
 DEFENCE. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Please your worships, I am coun- 
 sel for the prisoner, who, in obedience to your worship's 
 commands, has pleaded not guilty ; and I hope to prove 
 that his plea is a good plea, and that he must be acquitted 
 by the justice of his cause. In the first place, the wit- 
 nesses have failed in proving the prisoner's identity; 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 379 
 
 next, they have not proved the identity of the deceased ; 
 thirdly, they do not prove who gave the wounds ; fourth- 
 ly, nor to whom they were given ; fifthly, nor whether the 
 party died of the wounds, if they were given, as sup- 
 posed, to this identical hare. For I insist upon it, that 
 because a hare was found in the squire's horse-pond, non 
 sequitur that he was killed and thrown in by the defend- 
 ant. Or if they had proved that defendant had mali- 
 ciously, and animo furioso, pursued the deceased into 
 the horse-pond, it does not prove the defendant guilty 
 of his death, because he might owe his death to the 
 water ; and therefore in that case the pond would be 
 guilty ; and if guilty, triable ; and if triable, punishable 
 for the same, and not my client. And I must say, under 
 favor, that his worship would likewise be particeps crim- 
 inis, for not having filled it up to prevent such accidents. 
 One evidence, who never saw the prisoner till now, nor 
 the deceased till after the fact supposed to have hap- 
 pened, declares he is sure the prisoner killed the de- 
 ceased. And why? Because he is ready to take his 
 Bible oath on't. This is, to be sure, a very logical con- 
 viction. 
 
 Court. It is a very legal one, and that's better. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. I submit to your wisdoms. But 
 I must conclude with observing, that admitting a part 
 of the evidence to be true, viz., that the prisoner did 
 meet the deceased on the highway, and held some con- 
 ference with him, — I say, that supposing this, for argu- 
 ment's sake, I do insist that Mr. Hare, the deceased, was 
 not following a lawful, honest business at that late hour, 
 but was wickedly and mischievously bent upon a feloni- 
 ous design of trespassing on farmer Carter's ground, and 
 
380 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Stealing, consuming, and carrying off his com and his 
 turnips. I further insist, that the defendant, knowing 
 this his felonious and evil machination, and being re- 
 solved to defend the property of this his good friend and 
 ■oatron from such depredations, did endeavor to divert 
 -lim from it, which, not being able to effect by fair means, 
 he was then obliged to try his utmost, as a good subject 
 and trusty friend, to seize and apprehend his person, and 
 bring him, per habeas corpus, before your worships, to be 
 dealt with according to law. But the deceased, being 
 too nimble for him, escaped out of his clutches, and 
 tumbling accidentally in the dark into his worship's horse- 
 pond, was there drowned. This is, I do not doubt, a 
 true history of the whole affair, and proves, that in the 
 strictest construction of law, it can only be a case of per 
 infortunium, unless your worship should rather inchne to 
 deem it 3.felo de se. 
 
 Noodle. A fall in the sea ! No such thing : it was 
 only a horse-pond ; that's clear from the evidence. 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Howsoever your worships may 
 think fit to judge of it, I do humbly conceive, upon the 
 whole matter, that the defendant is not guilty; and I 
 hope your worships, in your wisdoms, will concur with 
 me in opinion, and acquit him. 
 
 The counsel for the prosecution repUed in a long 
 speech. He contended that Mr. Hare, the deceased, 
 was a peaceable, quiet, sober, and inoffensive sort of a 
 person, beloved by king, lords, and commons, and never 
 was known to entertain any idea of robbery, felony, or 
 depredation, but was innocendy taking the air one after- 
 noon for the benefit of his health, when he was suddenly 
 accosted, upon his majesty's highway, by the prisoner. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 381 
 
 who immediately and bloody-mindedly, without saying a 
 syllable, made at him, with so much fury in his counte- 
 nance, that the deceased was put in bodily fear, and 
 being a lover of peace, crossed the other side of the 
 way : the prisoner followed him close, and pressed him 
 so hard that he was obliged to fly over hedge and ditch, 
 with the prisoner at his heels. It was at this very junc- 
 ture they were observed by the two witnesses first ex- 
 amined. The learned counsel further affirmed from 
 circumstances, which he contended amounted to pre- 
 sumptive evidence, that after various twinings and wind- 
 ings, in his endeavors to escape, his foot slipped, and the 
 prisoner seized him and inflicted divers wounds ; but 
 that the deceased, finding means to get away, took to the 
 pond, in order to swim across ; when the prisoner, run- 
 ning round the pond incessantly, prevented his escape ; 
 so that faint and languishing under his wounds and loss 
 of blood, the hapless victim there breathed his last, in 
 manner and form as the indictment sets forth. He also 
 alleged, that as Mr. Hare lived within his worship's ter- 
 ritory, where there are several more of the same family, 
 he could not therefore be going to farmer Carter's ; for 
 that would have been absurd, when he might have got 
 corn and turnips enough on his worship's own ground. 
 Can there, said the learned gentleman, be a stronger, a 
 weightier, a surer, a — a — a ? 
 
 Court. We understand you. It is as clear as crystal. 
 (Their worships in consultation.) 
 
 Court. Has the prisoner's counsel any thing further 
 to offer in his behalf ? 
 
 Prisoner's Counsel. Call farmer Carter. Pray, farmer 
 Carter, inform the court what you know of the prisoner's 
 life, character, and behavior? 
 
382 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Carter. I have known the prisoner these several 
 years. He has lived in my house great part of that time. 
 He was always sober — 
 
 Court. Never the honester for that. Well, go on. 
 
 Carter. Sober, honest, sincere, trusty, and careful. 
 He was one of the best and most faithful friends I ever 
 knew. He has many a time deterred thieves from 
 breaking into my house at night, and murdering me and 
 my family. He never hated nor hurt anybody but 
 rogues and night-walkers. He performed a million of 
 good offices for me, for no other recompense than his 
 victuals and lodging, and seemed always happy and con- 
 tented with what I could afford him, however scanty the 
 provision. He has driven away many a fox that came to 
 steal my geese and turkeys, and for taking care of a flock 
 of sheep there is not his equal in the country. In short, 
 whenever he dies I shall lose my best friend, my best 
 servant, and most vigilant protector. I am positive that 
 he is as innocent as a babe of the crime charged upon 
 him ; for he was with me the whole evening, and supped 
 and slept at home. He was, indeed, my constant com- 
 panion ; and we were seldom or never asunder. If your 
 worships please, I'll be bail for him from five pounds to 
 five hundred. 
 
 Court. That cannot be': it is not a bailable offence. 
 Have you any thing else to say, Mr. Positive ? 
 
 Carter. Say? I think I've said enough, if it signified 
 any thing. 
 
 Bottle. Drag him away out of hearing. 
 
 Carter. I will have justice ! You, all of ye, deserve 
 hanging more than your prisoner ; and you all know it 
 too. 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 383 
 
 Court. Away with him, constable ! Scum of the 
 earth ! Base-born peasant ! (Carter is hauled out of 
 the court, after a stout resistance.) 
 
 Court A sturdy beggar ! We must find out some 
 means of wiring that fellow. 
 
 The counsel for the prosecution prayed sentence of 
 death upon the culprit at the bar. 
 
 Court. How says the statute ? Are we competent for 
 this? 
 
 Counsel for Pros. The statute is, I confess, silent. 
 But silence gives consent. Besides, this is a case of 
 the first impression, and unprovided for by law. It is 
 your duty, therefore, as good and wise magistrates of the 
 Hundreds of Gotham, to supply this defect of the laws, 
 and to suppose that the law, where it says nothing, may 
 be meant to say whatever your worships shall be pleased 
 to make it. 
 
 Bottle. It is now incumbent upon me to declare the 
 opinion of this high and right worshipful court here 
 assembled. Shall the reptile of a dung-hill, a paltry 
 muck-worm, a pitchfork fellow, presume for to go for to 
 keep a dog? And not only a dog, but a dog that 
 murders hares? Are these divine creatures, that are 
 religiously consecrated to the mouths alone of squires 
 and nobles, to become the food of garlic-eating rogues ? 
 It is a food that nature and policy forbid to be contami- 
 nated by their profane teeth. It is by far too dainty for 
 their robustious constitutions. How are our clayey lands 
 to be turned up and harrowed, and our harvests to be 
 got in, if our laborers, who should strengthen themselves 
 with beef and ale, should come to be fed with hare, par- 
 tridge, and pheasant? Shall we suffer our giants to be 
 
384 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 nourished with mince-meat and pap? Shall we give our 
 horses chocolate and muffins? No, gentlemen. The 
 brains of laborers, tradesmen, and mechanics (if they 
 have any), should ever be sodden and stupefied with the 
 grosser aliments of bacon and dumphng. What is it but 
 the spirit of poaching that has set all the lower class, 
 the canaille, a-hunting after hares' flesh? You see the 
 effects of it, gentlemen : they are all run mad with politics, 
 resist their rulers, despise their magistrates, and abuse us 
 in every corner of the kingdom. If you had begun 
 hanging of poachers ten years ago, d'ye think you would 
 have had one left in the kingdom by this time ? No ; I'U 
 answer for it : and your hares would have multiplied till 
 they had been as plenty as blackberries, and not left a 
 stalk of corn upon the ground. This, gentlemen, is the 
 very thing we ought to struggle for, that these insolent 
 clowns may come to find that the only use they are good 
 for, is to furnish provision for these animals. In short, 
 gentlemen, although it is not totally clear fi-om the evi- 
 dence that the prisoner is guilty, nevertheless hanged he 
 must and ought to be in terrorem to all other offenders. 
 Therefore, let the culprit stand up, and hearken to the 
 judgment of the court. 
 
 Constable. Please, your worship, he's up. 
 
 Bottle. Porter, thou hast been found guilty of a most 
 daring, horrible, and atrocious crime. Thou hast, with- 
 out being qualified as the law directs, and without license 
 or deputation from the lord of the manor, been guilty of 
 shedding innocent blood. In so doing, thou hast broken 
 the peace of the realm, set at naught the laws and stat- 
 utes of thy country, and (what is more than all these) 
 offended against these respectable personages, who have 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 385 
 
 been sitting in judgment upon thee. For all this enor- 
 mity of guilt, thy life doth justly become forfeit, to atone 
 for such manifold injuries done to our most excellent 
 constitution. We did intend, in Christian charity, to 
 have given some moments for thy due repentance, but as 
 the hour is late, and dinner ready, now hear thy doom. 
 Thou must be led from the bar to the end of the room, 
 where thou art to be hanged by the neck to yonder 
 beam, coratu nobis, till you are dead, dead, dead. 
 Hangman, do your duty. 
 
 Constable. Please your worships, all is ready. 
 
 Ponser. Hoist away, then; hoist away. (Porter is 
 tucked up.) 
 
 Mat. Come, it seems to be pretty well over with him 
 now. The constable has given him a jerk, and done his 
 business. 
 
 Bottle. He's an excellent fellow. 
 
 Ponser. The best informer in the whole country. 
 
 Bottle. And must be well encouraged. 
 
 Ponser. He shall never want a license whilst I live. 
 
 Noodle. Come, shall we go to dinner ? 
 
 Bottle. Ay : he'll never course hares again in this 
 world. Gentlemen, the court is adjourned. (^Exeunt 
 omnes.y 
 
 EPITAPH, 
 
 Composed by Sam Snivel, the parish clerk, proposed to 
 be put, at farmer Carter's expense, on the unfortunate 
 malefactor''s tombstone : " Here lie the remains of honest 
 Porter, who, after an innocent and well-spent life, was 
 dragged hither, and tried for a crime he never committed, 
 upon laws to which he was unamenable, before men who 
 
386 LAW AND LAWYEHS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 were no judges, found guilty without evidence, and 
 hanged without mercy ; to give to future ages an exam- 
 ple that the spirit of Turkish despotism, tyranny, and 
 oppression, after glutting itself with the conquest of lib- 
 erty in British men, has stooped at length to wreak its 
 bloody vengeance on British dogs! Anno Dom. 1771. 
 Requiescat in pace." 
 
 All the unities seem to be observed in this account. 
 The only imaginable improvement would be, to write the 
 epitaph in dog Latin. 
 
 " The Arraigning and Indicting of Sir John Barleycorn, 
 Knt., printed for Timothy Tosspot," is a whimsical little 
 tract, in which the knight is put upon his trial at the sign 
 of the Three Loggerheads, before " Oliver, and Old Nick, 
 his holy father," as judges. The witnesses for the prose- 
 cution were cited under the hands and seals of the said 
 judges, sitting "at the sign of the Three Merry Com- 
 panions in Bedlam ; that is to say. Poor Robin, Merry 
 Tom, and Jack Lackwit." The prisoner pleaded not 
 guilty, and Lawyer Noisy thus opened the cause : " May 
 it please your lordship, and gentlemen of the jury, I am 
 counsel for the king against the prisoner at the bar, who 
 stands indicted of many heinous and wicked crimes, in 
 that the said prisoner, with malice prepense and several 
 wicked ways, has conspired and brought about the death 
 of several of his majesty's loving subjects, to the great 
 loss of several poor famihes, who by this means have 
 been brought to ruin and beggary, which, befora the 
 wicked designs and contrivances of the prisoner, lived in 
 a flourishing and reputable way, but now are reduced to 
 low circumstances and great misery, to the great loss of 
 their own families and the nation in general. We shall 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 387 
 
 call our evidence ; and if we make the facts appear, I do 
 not doubt but you will find him guilty, and your lordship 
 will award such punishment as the nature of his crimes 
 deserves." Vulcan, the blacksmith, then testified that the 
 prisoner had quarrelled with him, thrown him down, 
 picked his purse, and set his wife a-scolding. Will, the 
 weaver, that the prisoner had bound him hand and foot, 
 thrown him in a ditch, and dislocated his shoulder. 
 Stitch, the tailor, to the same effect. Wheatley, the baker, 
 that the prisoner had spoiled his business. The prisoner, 
 being called on for his defence, urged that he was a friend 
 to his accusers until they abused him, and that if any one 
 was to blame, it was his brother Malt, who, being called, 
 urged the same arguments. Thomas, the ploughman, 
 Bunch, the brewer, and Mistress Hostess, gave the pris- 
 oner an excellent character, insisting that he was indis- 
 pensable to them, and that " if you put him to death, all 
 England is undone : for there is not another in the land 
 can do as he can do, and hath done ; for he can make 
 a cripple go, a coward fight, and a soldier neither feel 
 hunger nor cold." The court then charge the jury: 
 " You have now heard what has been offered against Sir 
 John Barleycorn, and the evidence that has been pro- 
 duced in his defence. If you are of opinion that he is 
 guilty of those wicked crimes laid to his charge, and has 
 with malice prepense conspired and brought about the 
 death of several of his majesty's loving subjects, you are 
 then to find him guilty ; but if, on the contrary, you are 
 of opinion that he had no real intention of wickedness, 
 and was not the immediate, but only the accidental, cause 
 of these evils laid to his charge," — that is, I suppose, if 
 the complainant's negligence contributed to produce the 
 
388 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 injury, — " then, according to the statute law of this king- 
 dom, you ought to acquit him." Verdict, Not guilty. 
 It is to be noted that the prisoner, according to the com- 
 mon law usage, had no counsel ; and it may well be, that 
 if all prisoners were as influential with courts and juries as 
 Sir John, their rights would be safe without counsel in 
 these days. 
 
 Another curious trial is that of Flora, in " Fvnebria 
 Floriae, or the Downfall of May-Games," a tract published 
 in 1 66 1 by Thomas Hall. The arraignment is as follows : 
 " Flora, hold up thy hand. Thou art here indicted by 
 the name of Flora, of the city of Rome, in the county 
 of Babylon, for that thou, contrary to the peace of our 
 sovereign lord, his crown and dignity, hast brought in a 
 pack of practical fanatics ; viz., ignorants, atheists, papists, 
 drunkards, swearers, swash bucklers, maid Marians, mor- 
 rice dancers, maskers, mummers. May-pole stealers, 
 health-drinkers, together with a rascallion rout of fiddlers, 
 fools, fighters, gamesters, lewd women, light women, con- 
 temners of magistracy, affronters of ministry, rebellious to 
 masters, disobedient to parents, misspenders of time, and 
 abusers of the creature," etc. 
 
 " y^dgc- What sayest thou, guilty or not guilty ? 
 
 Prisoner. Not guilty, my lord. 
 
 y^udge. By whom wilt thou be tried ? 
 
 Pris. By the pope's holiness, my lord. 
 
 jpudge. He is thy patron and protector, and so unfit 
 to be a judge in this case. 
 
 Pris. Then I appeal to the prelates and loi-d bishops, 
 my lord. 
 
 yudge. This is but a tiffany put off; for though some 
 of that rank did let loose the rein to such profaneness in 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 389 
 
 causing the book of sports, for the profanation of God's 
 holy day, to be read in churches, yet 'tis well known that 
 the gravest and most pious of that order have abhorred 
 such profaneness and misrule. 
 
 Pris. Then I appeal to the rout and rabble of the 
 world. 
 
 J^udge. These are thy followers and thy favorites, 
 and unfit to be judges in their own case. 
 
 Fris. My lord, if there be no remedy, I am content to 
 be tried by a jury. 
 
 jFudge. Thou hast well said : thou shalt have a full, 
 a fair, and a free hearing. Crier, call the jury. 
 
 Crier. O yes ! O yes ! All manner of persons that can 
 give evidence against the prisoner at the bar, let them 
 come into court, and they shall be freely heard. 
 
 yudge. Call in the Holy Scriptures. 
 
 Crier. Make room for the Holy Scriptures to come 
 in." 
 
 Not only the Holy Scriptures, but Pliny, Lactantius, 
 Synodus Francica, Charles the Second, Ordinance of Par- 
 liament, Solemn League and Covenant, Order of the Coun- 
 cil of State, Mr. Elton, Dr. Ames, Bishops Babington and 
 Andrews, and finally Ovid, give testimony against the 
 unfortunate goddess. No one appeared to testify in her 
 behalf, and she was adjudged to perpetual banishment ; 
 the judge pronouncing sentence without any verdict from 
 the jury, or summing up in the prisoner's behalf. It is 
 evident that these trials, like parables, " do not go on all 
 fours." 
 
 About the beginning of the eighteenth century, in Eng- 
 land, the " Royal Oak Lottery," as the rival, if not the 
 parent, of the various other demoralizing schemes of the 
 
390 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 same sort, obtained the largest share of public odium. 
 The evils it had created are popularly set forth in a 
 tract, entitled " The Arraignment, Trial, and Condemna- 
 tion of Squire Lottery, alias Royal Oak Lottery," London, 
 1699. The following jurors were impanelled: Mr. Posi- 
 tive, a draper in Covent Garden ; Mr. Squander, an oil- 
 man in Fleet Street ; Mr. Pert, a tobacconist, ditto ; Mr. 
 Captious, a miUiner in Paternoster Row ; Mr. Feeble, a 
 coffee-man near the Change ; Mr. Altrick, a merchant in 
 Grace-church Street ; Mr. Haughty, a vintner, by Gray's 
 Inn, Holborn ; Mr. Jealous, a cutler, at Charing Cross ; 
 Mr. Peevish, a bookseller, in St. Paul's Churchyard ; Mr. 
 Spilbook, near Fleet Bridge ; Mr. Noysie, a silkman upon 
 Ludgate Hill ; Mr. Finical, a barber in Cheapside. The 
 indictment and arraignment are as follows : " You stand 
 indicted by the name of Squire Lottery, alias Royal Oak 
 Lottery, for that you, the said Squire Lottery, not having 
 the fear of God in your heart, nor weighing the Regard 
 and Duty you owe, and of right ought to pay, to the Inter- 
 est, Safety, and Satisfaction of your Fellow-Subjects, have 
 from time to time, and at several times, and in several 
 places, contrary to the known Laws of this Kingdom, under 
 the shadow and coverture of a Royal Oak, propagated, 
 continued, and carried on a most unequal, intricate, and 
 insinuating Game, to the utter ruin and destruction of 
 many thousand Families ; and that you, the said Squire 
 Lottery, alias Royal Oak Lottery, as a common Enemy to 
 all young People, and an inveterate Hater of all good Con- 
 versation and Diversion, have for many years past, and do 
 still continue, by certain cunning Tricks and Stratagems, in- 
 sidiously, falsely, and impiously, to trepan, cheat, deceive, 
 decoy, and entice divers Ladies, Gentlemen, Citizens, 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 391 
 
 Apprentices, and others, to play away their Money, at 
 manifest Odds and Disadvantage ; and that you, the said 
 Squire Lottery, alias Royal Oak Lottery, the more se- 
 cretly and effectually to carry on and propagate your base, 
 malicious, and covetous Designs and Practices, did and 
 do still encourage several lewd and disorderly Persons, to 
 meet, propose, treat, consult, consent, and agree upon 
 several unjust and illegal methods, how to ensnare and 
 entangle People into your delusive Game ; by which 
 means, you have for many years past, utterly, entirely, and 
 irrecoverably, contrary to all manner of Justice, Humanity, 
 or good Nature, despoiled, depraved, and defrauded an in- 
 credible number of Persons of every Rank, Age, Sex, and 
 condition, of all their Lands, Goods, and Effects ; and 
 from the Ruins of multitudes built fine Houses, and pur- 
 chased large Estates, to the great Scandal and reflection 
 on the Wisdom of the Nation, for suffering such an intol- 
 erable Imposter to pass so long unpunished. What say'st 
 thou, Squire Lottery? art thou guilty of the aforesaid 
 Crimes, Cheats, Tricks, and Misdemeanors, thou stand'st 
 Indicted of, or not Guilty ? 
 
 Lottery. Not Guilty. But before I proceed to make 
 my Defence, I beg I may be permitted the assistance of 
 three or four learned Sharpers to plead for me, in case 
 any Matter of Law arise." 
 
 The managers for the prosecution then call as wit- 
 nesses Captain Pasthope and Counsellor Frivolous, who 
 testified as to the means used by the accused to ruin 
 themselves and others. The prisoner called Captain 
 Quondam and Mr. Scamper, who spoke to his good char- 
 acter. The jury found against the prisoner, who, with 
 Mr. Auction and Dr. Sandbank, also tried and convicted, 
 
392 LAJV AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 was then sentenced. The prisoner, in the course of his 
 argument, uttered the following, which, however true it 
 may have been of his country, certainly can have no 
 apphcation to this nation and these days. " If all the 
 Knaves and Cheats of the Nation were called to the Bar 
 and executed, there would only be a few Fools left to 
 defend the Commonwealth." 
 
 Under the present heading may properly be cited some 
 extracts from " Le Revenant," a paper published in 
 Blackwood for April, 1827, purporting to be the relation, 
 of one who had been hanged and was still alive. The 
 account of the trial is terribly powerful and lifelike. 
 
 " The whole business of my trial and sentence passed 
 over as coolly and formally as I would have calculated a 
 question of interest, or summed up an undei-writing ac- 
 count. I had never, though I lived in London, wit- 
 nessed the proceedings of a criminal court before ; and 
 I could hai'dly believe the composure and indifference, 
 and yet civility, — for there was no show of anger or ill- 
 temper, — with which I was treated, together with the 
 apparent perfect insensibility of all the parties round 
 me, while I was rolling on with a speed which nothing 
 could check, and which increased every moment, to my 
 ruin. I was called suddenly up from the dock, when 
 my turn for trial came, and placed at the bar ; and the 
 judge asked, in a tone which had neither severity nor 
 compassion about it, nor carelessness nor anxiety, nor 
 any character or expression whatever that could be dis- 
 tinguished, ' If there was any counsel appeared for the 
 prosecution?' A barrister then, who seemed to have 
 some consideration, — a middle-aged, gentlemanly-look- 
 ing man, — stated the case against me, as he said he 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 393 
 
 would do, ' very fairly and forbearingly j ' but as soon as 
 he read the facts from his brief, ' that only,' I heard an 
 officer of the gaol who stood behind me say, ' put the 
 rope about my neck.' My master then was called to 
 give his evidence, which he did very temperately ; but it 
 was conclusive. A young gentleman, who was my coun- 
 sel, asked a few questions in cross-examination, after 
 he had carefully looked over the indictment ; but there 
 was nothing to cross-examine upon. I knew that well 
 enough, though I was thankful for the interest he seemed 
 to take in my case. The judge then told me, I thought 
 more gravely than he had spoken before, 'that it was 
 time for me to speak in my defence, if I had any thing 
 to say.' I had nothing to say. I thought one moment 
 to drop down on my knees and beg for mercy, but again 
 I thought it would only make me look ridiculous ; and I 
 only answered as well as I could, 'that I would not 
 trouble the court with any defence.' Upon this the judge 
 turned round, with a more serious air still, to the jury, 
 who all stood up to listen to him as he spoke. And I 
 listened, too, — or tried to listen attentively, — as hard as 
 I could ; and yet with all I could do, I could not keep 
 my thoughts from wandering. For the sight of the 
 court, — all so orderly and regular and composed and 
 formal and well satisfied, — spectators and all, — while I 
 was running on with the speed of wheels on smooth soil 
 down hill to destruction, seemed as if the whole trial 
 were a dream, and not a thing in earnest. The barris- 
 ters sat round the table silent, but utterly unconcerned ; 
 and two were looking over their briefs, and another was 
 reading a newspaper ; and the spectators in the gallery 
 looked on and listened as pleasantly as though it were a 
 
394 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 matter, not of death, going on, but of pastime or amuse- 
 ment; and one very fat man, who seemed to be the 
 clerk of the court, stopped his writing when the judge 
 began, but leaned back in his chair with his hands in his 
 breeches pockets, except once or twice that he took 
 snuff; and not one living soul seemed to take notice — 
 they did not seem to know the fact — that there was a 
 poor, desperate, helpless creature, whose days were fast 
 running out, whose hours of life were even with the last 
 grains in the bottom of the sand-glass, among them ! I 
 lost the whole of the judge's charge, thinking of I know 
 not what, — in a sort of dream, — unable to steady my 
 mind to any thing, and only biting the stalk of a piece of 
 rosemary that lay by me. But I heard the low, distinct 
 whisper of the foreman of the jury, as he brought in the 
 verdict, ' Guilty,' and the last words of the judge, say- 
 ing, ' that I should be hanged by the neck until I was 
 dead,' and bidding me ' prepare myself for the next life, 
 for my crime was one that admitted of no mercy in this.' 
 As the door of the court closed behind us, I saw the 
 judge fold up his papers, and the jury being sworn in the 
 next case." 
 
 To pass "from grave to gay: " I had hesitated for a 
 moment whether to include the following under the head 
 of imaginary trials, for it seems as true as Robinson 
 Crusoe ; but as a justice of the peace could scarcely have 
 had jurisdiction of an action of damages for breach of 
 promise of marriage, and parties at the time indicated 
 were not competent to testify on their own behalf, I have 
 concluded that it must fall under my province. 
 
 " Phillis Schoonmakerw. Cuff Hogeboom. This was an 
 action for a breach of the marriage promise, tried before 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 395 
 
 Squire De Witt, justice of the peace and quorum, at New 
 Paltz, N.Y. The parties, as their names indicate, were 
 black, or, as philanthropists would say, colored folk. 
 Counselor Van Schaaick appeared on behalf of the lady. 
 He recapitulated the many verdicts which had been 
 given of late in favor of injured innocence, much to the 
 honor and gallantry of an American jury. It was time to 
 put an end to these faithless professions, to these cold- 
 hearted delusions : it was time to put a curb upon the 
 false tongues and false hearts of pretended lovers, who, 
 with honied accents, only woo'd to ruin, and only pro- 
 fessed to deceive. The worthy counsellor trusted that no 
 injurious impression would be made on the minds of the 
 jury by the color of his client : — 
 
 " ' 'Tis not a set of features. 
 
 This tincture of the skin, that we admire.' 
 
 " She was black, it was true ; so was the honored wife 
 of Moses, the most illustrious and inspired of prophets. 
 OtheUo, the celebrated Moor of Venice, and the victo- 
 rious general of her armies, was black ; yet the lovely 
 Desdemona saw ' Othello's visage in his mind.' In 
 modern times, we might quote his sable majesty of Hayti, 
 or since that country had become a republic, the gallant 
 Boyer. He could also refer to Rhio Rhio, king of the 
 Sandwich Islands, his copper-colored queen, and Madam 
 Poki, so hospitably received and fed to death by their 
 colleague, the King of England — nay, the counsellor was 
 well advised that the brave general Sucre, the hero of 
 Ayachucho, was a dark mulatto. What, then, is color in 
 estimating the griefs of a forsaken and ill-treated female ? 
 She was poor, it was true, and in a humble sphere of 
 
396 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITER A TURE. 
 
 life ; but love levels all distinctions : the blind god was 
 no judge and no respecter of colors ; his darts penetrated 
 deep, not skin deep ; his cUent, though black, was flesh 
 and blood, and possessed affections, passions, resent- 
 ments, and sensibilities ; and in this case she confidently 
 threw herself upon a jury of freemen, — of men of the 
 North, as the friends of the Northern President would say, 
 of men who did not live in Missouri, and on sugar-plan- 
 tations ; and from such his client expected just and 
 liberal damages. 
 
 "Phillis then advanced to the bar to give her testi- 
 mony. She was, as her counsel represented, truly made 
 up of flesh and blood, being what is called a strapping 
 wench, as black as the ace of spades. She was dressed 
 in the Low-Dutch fashion, which has not varied for a 
 century, — linsey - woolsey petticoats, very short ; blue 
 worsted stockings ; leather shoes, with a massive pair of 
 silver buckles ; bead ear-rings ; her woolly hair combed, 
 and face sleak and greasy. There was no ' dejected 
 'haviour of visage ; ' no broken heart visible in her face ; 
 she looked fat and comfortable, as if she had sustained 
 no damage by the perfidy of her swain. Before she was 
 sworn, the court called the defendant, who came from 
 among the crowd, and stood respectfully before the bench. 
 Cuff was a good-looking young fellow, with a tolerably 
 smartish dress, and appeared as if he had been in the 
 metropolis, taking lessons of perfidious lovers : he cast 
 one or two cutting looks at Phillis, accompanied by a 
 significant turn up of the nose, and now and then a con- 
 temptuous ejaculation of Eh ! ■ — ■ Umph ! — Ough ! — 
 which did not disconcert the fair one in the least ; she 
 returning the compliment by placing her arms a-kimbo, 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 397 
 
 and surveying her lover from head to foot. The court 
 inquired of Cuif whether he had counsel? 'No, massa,' 
 he replied ; ' I tell my own 'tory : you see, Massa Squire, I 
 know de gentlemen of de jury berry veil ; dere is Massa 
 Teerpenning of Little 'Sophus — know him berry veil ; I 
 plough for him : den dere is Massa Traphagan of our town 
 
 — how he do, massa ? — ah ! dere Massa Topper, dat 
 prints de paper at Big 'Sophus — know him too : dere is 
 Massa Peet Steenberg — know him too ; he owe me little 
 money : — I know 'em all, Massa Squire. I did go to get 
 Massa Lucas to plead for me, but he gone to the Court 
 of Error at Albany : Massa Sam Free and Massa Cock- 
 burn said they come to gib me good character, but I no 
 see 'em here.' 
 
 " Cuff was ordered to stand aside, and PhiUis was 
 sworn. Plaintiff said she did not know how old she was ; 
 believed she was sixteen ; — she looked nearer twenty-six ; 
 
 — she lived with Hons Schoonmaker ; was brought up in 
 the family. She told her case as pathetically as possible. 
 ' Massa Squire,' said she, ' I was gone up to Massa 
 Schoonmaker's lot, on Shaungum Mountain, to pile brush : 
 den Cuff, he vat stands dare, cum by vid de teem ; he top 
 his horses and say, " How de do, PhiUis ? " ' or as she gave 
 it probably in Dutch, ' How gaud it mit you ? ' — ' " Hail 
 goot," said I ; den massa he look at me berry hard and 
 say, " PhiUis, pose you meet me in the nite, ven de moon 
 is up, near de barn; I got sumting to say : " den I say, 
 "Berry weU, Cuff, I viU; " he vent up de mountain, and 
 I vent home : ven I eat my supper, and milk de cows, I 
 say to myself, PhUUs, pose you go down to de barn, and 
 hear what Cuff has to say. Veil, Massa Squire, I go. 
 Dare was Cuff, sure enough. He told me heaps of tings 
 
398 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 all about love; called me Weenus, and Jewpeter, and 
 oder tings vat he got out of de playhouse ven he vent 
 down in de slope to New York ; and he ax'd me if I'd 
 marry him before de Dominie, Osterhaut, he vat preached 
 in Milton, down 'pon Marlbro'. I say, " Cuff, you make 
 fun on me : " he say, " No, by mine zeal. I vil marry 
 you, Phillis : " den he gib me dis here as earnest.' Phillis 
 here drew from her huge pocket an immense pair of scis- 
 sors, a jack-knife, and a wooden pipe curiously carved, 
 which she offered as a testimony of the promise, and 
 which was sworn to as the property of Cuff, who subse- 
 quently had refused to fulfil the contract. 
 
 " Cuff admitted that he had made her a kind of prom- 
 ise, but that it was conditional. ' I told her, Massa Squire, 
 that she was a slave and a nigger, and she must wait till 
 the year '27, then all would be free, 'cording to the new 
 constitution : den she said, " Berry veil, I vill vait." ' 
 
 " Phillis utterly denied the period of probation : it was 
 to take place, she said, ' ven he got de new corduroy 
 breeches from Crippleley Coon, de tailor ; he owe three 
 and sixpence, and Massa Coon won't let him hab dem 
 vidout de money : den Cuff, he run away to Varsing ; I 
 send Coon Crook, de constable, and he find um at Shan- 
 dakin, and he bring him before you, massa.' 
 
 " The testimony here closed. The court charged the 
 jury, that although the testimony was not conclusive, yet 
 the court was not warranted in taking the case out of the 
 hands of the jury. A promise had evidently been made, 
 and had been broken. Some difference existed as to the 
 period when the matrimonial contract was to have been 
 fulfilled : and it was equally true and honorable, that in 
 the year 1827, slavery was to cease in the State, and that 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 399 
 
 fact might have warranted the defendant in the postpone- 
 ment ; but of this there was no' positive proof : and as 
 the parties could neither read nor write, the presents 
 might be construed into a marriage promise. The court 
 could see no reason why these humble Africans should 
 not, in imitation of their betters, in such cases, appeal to 
 a jury for damages ; but it was advisable not to make 
 those damages more enormous than circumstances war- 
 ranted, yet sufficient to act as a lesson to those colored 
 gentry in their attempts to imitate fashionable infidelity. 
 
 " The jury brought in a verdict of ten dollars and costs 
 for the plaintiff. The defendant, not being able to pay, 
 was committed to Kingston jail, — a martyr to his own 
 folly, and an example to all in like cases offending." 
 
 STEVENS. 
 
 In a curious little book entitled " A Lecture on Heads, 
 by George Alexander Stevens, with Additions by Mr. 
 Pilou, as delivered by Mr. Charles Lee Lewes," pub- 
 lished in London, A.D. 1802, and adorned with wood- 
 cuts after Thurston's designs, we find the following 
 chapter on law, illustrated with cuts of the respective 
 counsel for the Bull and the Boat : — 
 
 " Law is law, law is law, and as in such and so forth, 
 and hereby and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, 
 notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance : people 
 are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is 
 like a book of surgery : there are a great many terrible 
 cases in it. It is also like physic : they that take the 
 least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentle- 
 woman, very well to follow. Law is also hke a scolding 
 wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new 
 
400 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 fashion ; people are bewitched to get into it : it is also 
 like bad weather ; most people are glad when they get 
 out of it. 
 
 " We shall now mention a cause called ' Bullum versus 
 Boatum.' It was a cause that came before me. The 
 cause was as follows : There were two farmers, — Farmer 
 A and Farmer B. Farmer A was seised or possessed of 
 a bull : Farmer B was seised or possessed of a ferry-boat. 
 Now, the owner of the ferry-boat had made his boat 
 fast to a post on shore with a piece of hay, twisted rope- 
 fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After 
 he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was 
 very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to 
 dinner. Farmer A's bull, as it was very natural for a 
 hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner ; 
 and observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out some 
 turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled 
 into the ferry-boat. He ate up the turnips, and to make 
 an end of his meal, fell to work upon the hay-band : the 
 boat, being eaten from its moorings, floated down the 
 river, with the bull in it ; it struck against a rock, beat a 
 hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the buU over- 
 board. Whereupon the owner of the bull brought his 
 action against the boat for running away with the bull. 
 The owner of the boat brought his action against the bull 
 for running away with his boat. And thus notice of trial 
 was given, Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. 
 
 " Now, the counsel for the Bull began with saying, 
 ' My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel 
 in this cause for the bull. We are indicted for running 
 away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of 
 running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, 
 
CURIOUS IMAGINARY TRIALS. 401 
 
 my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat 
 than a man in a coach may be said to ran away with the 
 horses : therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is 
 not punishable ? How can we eat what is not eatable ? 
 Or how can we drink what is not drinkable ? Or, as the 
 law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? 
 Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for 
 the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the 
 jury would be guilty of a bull.' 
 
 "The counsel for the boat observed that the bull 
 should be nonsuited, because, in his declaration, he had 
 not specified what color he was of; for thus wisely and 
 thus learnedly spoke the counsel : ' My lord, if the bull 
 was of no color, he must be of some color ; and if he 
 was not of any color, what color could the bull be of ? ' I 
 overruled this motion myself, by observing the bull was a 
 white buU, and white is no color : besides, as I told my 
 brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of 
 color in the law ; for the law can color any thing. This 
 cause being afterward left to a reference, upon the award, 
 both buU and boat were acquitted ; it being proved that 
 the tide of the river carried them both away : upon 
 which I gave it as my opinion, that as the tide of the 
 river carried both bull and boat away, both buU and 
 boat had a good action against the water-baiUfif. 
 
 " My opinion being taken, an action was issued ; and 
 upon the traverse, this point of law arose, how, wherefore, 
 and whether ; why, when, and what ; whatsoever, where- 
 as, and whereby, — as the boat was not a compos mentis 
 evidence, how could an oath be administered? That 
 point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring 
 that for his client he would swear any thing. 
 
402 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 "The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out 
 of the original record in true law Latin, which set forth 
 in their declaration, that they were carried away, either 
 by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The charter of 
 the water-bailiff was as follows : ' Agues bailifi est magis- 
 tratus in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habueruni 
 finnos et scales, claws, shells, et talcs, qui swimmare in 
 freshibus vel saltibus riveris, lakos, pondis, canalibus, et 
 well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbu- 
 tus solus ; ' that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and 
 soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the 
 law : the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be 
 understood by addle-headed people. BuUum and Boatum 
 mentioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling ; but it 
 being proved that they were carried away, neither by the 
 tide of flood nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the 
 top of high water, they were nonsuited : but such was 
 the lenity of the court, upon their paying all costs, they 
 were allowed to begin again, tie novo." 
 
LA W CLERKS AND LA W STUDENTS. 403 
 
 VIII. 
 
 LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS. 
 
 A CLERKSHIP to an attorney is probably not better 
 adapted to the expansion of the intellect than walking 
 the tight-rope, or heading pins, or keeping a toll-gate. 
 William Cobbett, the author or editor of " The Political 
 Register," who served in the capacity of attorney's clerk 
 for some time, has recorded his disgust for the occupa- 
 tion : " When I think of the saids and so forths, and the 
 counts of tautology, that I scribbled over ; when I think 
 of those sheets of seventy-two words, and those lines two 
 inches apart, — my brain turns. Gracious Heaven ! if I 
 am doomed to be wretched, bury me beneath Iceland 
 snows, and let me feed on blubber ; stretch me under the 
 burning Une, and deny me the propitious dews ; nay, if 
 it be thy will, suffocate me with the infected and pestilen- 
 tial air of a Democrat's club-room ; but save me, whatever 
 you do, save me from the desk of an attorney." Lord 
 Brougham said, " Even a year in an attorney's ofifice, as 
 the law is now practiced, I should not hold too severe a 
 task, nor too high a price to pay, for the benefit it must 
 surely lead to." The author of "The Pleader's Guide" 
 thus recorded his disgust at the occupation : — 
 
 " And better to improve your taste, 
 Are by your parents' fondness plac'd 
 
404 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 Among the best, the chosen few 
 (Blest, if their happiness they knew), 
 Who, for three hundred guineas paid 
 To some great master of the trade. 
 Have at his rooms, by special favor, 
 His leave to use their best endeavor, 
 By drawing pleas, from nine to four, 
 To earn him thrice three hundred more, 
 And after dinner, may repair 
 To 'foresaid rooms, and then and there 
 Have 'foresaid leave, from five to ten. 
 To draw th' aforesaid pleas again." 
 
 Perhaps, too, the familiarity with petty meannesses has a 
 tendency to blunt the sensibilities. I shall never forget 
 the shock I underwent as a fresh law- clerk, when I dis- 
 covered the amount of virtual lying tolerated under a 
 "general denial." Possibly it is a similar shock that 
 drives some into dissipation ; for I believe law-clerks are 
 notoriously rakish and drunken, at least in England. 
 Such were the four clerks of Dodson and Fogg, in " Pick- 
 wick Papers,'' the attorneys for Mrs. Baidell, on whom 
 Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller made a call to see if that 
 cause of action could not be compromised, — an unwise 
 step at all times, and which at this particular time resulted 
 in Mr. Pickwick's being served with the process. While 
 Mr. Pickwick and Sam were waiting in the ante-room for 
 an interview with the attorneys, they heard some of the 
 conversation of these nice young men, to which let us 
 listen again : — 
 
 " ' That was a game, wasn't it ? ' said one of the gentle- 
 men, in a brown coat and brass buttons, inky drabs, and 
 bluchers, at the conclusion of some inaudible relation of 
 his previous evening's adventures. 
 
LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS. 405 
 
 «< 1 
 
 ■ Devilish good, devilish good,' said the seidlitz- 
 powder man. 
 
 "'Tom Cummins was in the chair,' said the man with 
 the brown coat : ' it was half-past four when I got to 
 Somers Town ; and then I was so uncommon lushey that 
 I couldn't find the place where the latch-key went in, and 
 was obliged to knock up the old 'ooman. I say, I won- 
 der what old Fogg 'ud say if he knew it. I should get 
 the sack, I s'pose — eh? ' 
 
 "At this humorous notion all the clerks laughed in 
 concert. 
 
 " ' There was such a game with Fogg here this mom- 
 in',' said the man in the brown coat, 'while Jack was 
 up stairs sorting the papers, and you two were gone to 
 the stamp-office. Fogg was down here opening the 
 letters, when that chap as we issued the writ against at 
 Camberwell, you know, came in : what's his name 
 again ? ' 
 
 " ' Ramsey,' said the clerk who had spoken to Mr. 
 Pickwick. 
 
 '"Ah! Ramsey, — a precious seedy-looking customer. 
 " Well, sir," says old Fogg, looking at him very fierce, — 
 you know his way, — "well, sir, have you come to settle?" 
 — " Yes, I have, sir," said Ramsey, putting his hand in 
 his pocket, and bringing out the money : " the debt's two 
 pound ten, and the costs three pound five ; and here it is, 
 sir : " and he sighed like bricks as he lugged out the 
 money, done up in a bit of blotting-paper. Old Fogg 
 looked first at the money and then at him ; and then he 
 coughed in his rum way, so that I knew something was 
 coming. "You don't know there's a declaration filed, 
 which increases the costs materially, I suppose?" said 
 
4o6 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 Fogg. "You don't say that, sir," said Ramsey, starting 
 back : "the time was only out last night, sir." — "I do say 
 it, though," said Fogg : " my clerk's just gone to file it. 
 Hasn't Mr. Jackson gone to file that declaration in Bull- 
 man and Ramsey, Mr. Wicks?" Of course I said yes; 
 and then Fogg coughed again, and looked at Ramsey. 
 " My God ! " said Ramsey, "and here have I nearly driven 
 myself mad, scraping this money together, and all to no 
 purpose.'' — " None at all," said Fogg coolly : " so you had 
 better go back and scrape some more together, and bring 
 it here in time." — "I can't get it, by God ! " said Ramsey, 
 striking the desk with his fist. "Don't bully me, sir," said 
 Fogg, getting into a passion on purpose. " I am not 
 bullying you, sir," said Ramsey. " You are," said Fogg : 
 " get out, sir ; get out of this office, sir, and come back, 
 sir, when you know how to behave yourself." Well, 
 Ramsey tried to speak, but Fogg wouldn't let him ; so he 
 put the money in his pocket, and sneaked out. The 
 door was scarcely shut, when old Fogg turned round to 
 me, with a sweet smile on his face, and drew the declara- 
 tion out of his coat-pocket. " Here, Wicks," says Fogg, 
 " take a cab, and go down to the Temple as (Juick as you 
 can, and file that. The costs are quite safe ; for he's a 
 steady man with a large family, at a salary of five and 
 twenty shillings a week ; and if he gives us a warrant of 
 attorney, as he must in the end, I know his employers 
 will see it paid ; so we may as well get all we can out of 
 him, Mr. Wicks : it's a Christian act to do it, Mr. Wicks ; 
 for with his large family, and small income, he'll be all 
 the better for a good lesson against getting into debt ; 
 won't he, Mr. Wicks, won't he? " and he smiled so good- 
 naturedly as he went away, that it was delightful to see 
 
LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS. 407 
 
 him. ' He is a capital man of business,' said Wicks, in 
 a tone of tlie deepest admiration, ' capital, isn't he ? ' 
 
 " The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion, 
 and the anecdote afforded the most unlimited satisfac- 
 tion. 
 
 "'Nice men these here, sir,' whispered Mr. Weller to 
 his master : ' wery nice notion of fun they has, sir ! ' " 
 
 A very celebrated fictitious law-clerk is Uriah Heap, 
 in "David Copperfield," whose very name suggests 
 wriggling meanness, and whom Dickens has depicted so 
 vividly that he assumes the reality of an historical person- 
 age ; who read " a great fat book, with such demonstrative 
 attention, that his lank forefinger followed up every line 
 as he read, and made clammy tracks along the page, like 
 a snail; " whose nostrils seemed to twinkle, instead of his 
 eyes ; whose hand felt in the dark like a fish ; who was 
 " the umblest person going ; " whose father, from having 
 been a sexton, had become " a partaker of glory; " who 
 was fond of passing an hour or two in the evening with 
 Mr. Field, meaning the delectable writer on practice ; 
 we see him now, " kissing his hand, and leering at us like 
 a mask," or making " motions with his mouth as if the 
 pear were ripe already, and he were smacking his lips 
 over it." To adopt Mr. Micawber's description of him, 
 "transcendent and immortal hypocrite and perjurer." 
 
 Of very different stuff was the vocal Dick Swiveller, 
 in the " Old Curiosity Shop," clerk for a time to the 
 legal firm of Sampson Brass and his sister Sally, that 
 " female dragon." But law with Richard was only an 
 episode ; and it is to be feared, if he had pursued it, that 
 its irreconcilableness with literature would have deprived 
 the world of those frequent " droppings into poetry," by 
 
4o8 LA W AND LA WYERS IN LITERA TURE. 
 
 which he illustrated the most commonplace events of 
 life. Blackstone and Murray deserted the Muse, and the 
 mechanical routine of a clerk's desk would have quenched 
 the divine afflatus in the soul of Swiveller himself. 
 
 David Copperfield was a law-clerk and law-student ; 
 but clearly he is an imaginary character, — a fiction of 
 law. Those discussions between himself and his master 
 and destined father-in-law, Mr. Spenlow, one of the firm 
 of which the inexorable Jorkins was the other partner 
 and constant scape-goat, on the subject of the ecclesi- 
 astical courts, never took place, I suspect. We believe 
 in Uriah and Swiveller, and Dodson and Fogg's young 
 gentlemen, but not in David. He is much too good to 
 be true ; that is to say, he was never bound to the law. 
 Such an apprenticeship would have made a different 
 article of him. I know what I risk in thus asserting my 
 disbelief in David as a clerk ; but I reiterate the language 
 of Betsy Prig, when she denied the existence of Mrs. 
 Harris, " I don't believe there's no sich a person." 
 
 On the other hand, one readily gives credit to Lovel, 
 the clerk of Samuel Salt, in Lamb's essay on " The Old 
 Benchers of the Inner Temple." He was Salt's savor. 
 
 " Lovel took care of every thing. He was at once 
 his clerk, his good servant, his dresser, his friend, his 
 'flapper,' his guide, stop-watch, auditor, treasurer. He 
 did nothing without consulting Lovel, nor failed Ln any 
 thing without expecting and fearing his admonishing. 
 He put himself almost too much in his hands, had they 
 not been the purest in the world. He resigned his title 
 almost to respect as a master, if L. could ever have 
 forgotten for a moment that he was a servant. 
 
 " I knew this Lovel. He was a man of an incorrigible 
 
LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS. 409 
 
 and losing honesty. A good fellow withal, and 'would 
 strike.' In the cause of the oppressed he never con- 
 sidered inequalities, or calculated the number of his 
 opponents. He once wrested the sword out of the hand 
 of a man of quality, that had drawn upon him, and 
 pommelled him severely with the hilt of it. The swords- 
 man had offered insult to a female, — an occasion upon 
 which no odds against him could have prevented the 
 interference of Lovel. He would stand next day bare- 
 headed to the same person, modestly to excuse his 
 interference ; for L. never forgot rank where some- 
 thing better was not concerned. L. was the liveKest 
 little fellow breathing; had a face as gay as Garrick's, 
 whom he was said greatly to resemble (I have a portrait 
 of him which confirms it) ; possessed a fine turn for 
 humorous poetry, — next to Swift and Prior; moulded 
 heads in clay or plaster of Paris to admiration, by the 
 dint of natural genius merely; turned cribbage-boards 
 and such small cabinet toys to perfection ; took a hand 
 at quadrille or bowls with equal facility; made punch 
 better than any man of his degree in England ; had the 
 merriest quips and conceits ; and was, altogether, as 
 brimful of rogueries and inventions as you could desire. 
 He was a brother of the angle, moreover, and just such 
 a free, hearty, honest companion as Mr. Izaak Walton 
 would have chosen to go a-fishing with." 
 
 We get another glimpse of law-students in " Pictures 
 of the French." In reproducing some of these Hterary 
 delineations, I regret that I cannot also place before the 
 reader some of the graphic accompaniments which add 
 so much to this volume. The first thing the French law- 
 student does on entering upon his studies, is to get him 
 
4IO LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 a companion to keep house for him, a female one of 
 course. " The loves of the student and the grisette are 
 none of those headstrong passions which make all the 
 weeping and wailing of our modern drama : in a short 
 time he treats her hardly better than a maid-servant, 
 sends her on errands, and makes her get him tobacco, 
 brandy, and ham for supper." This seems a very im- 
 proper association ; but we are reminded by Lord Camp- 
 bell, in his life of Lord Thurlow, who had three illegiti- 
 mate daughters, that up to the close of the eighteenth 
 century, " a majority of the judges had married their 
 mistresses. The understanding then was, that a man 
 elevated to the bench, if he had a mistress, must either 
 marry her or put her away." And he wickedly adds, 
 " For many years there has been no necessity for such 
 an alternative." After this we may not be censorious as 
 to the Frenchman's morals, nor surprised at learning 
 that "his law-library consists of ' Beranger's Songs,' 
 ' Voltaire's Tales,' ' The Contract Social,' — an odd vol- 
 ume of one of Paul de Kock's novels, — and a few more 
 old tomes." 
 
 "If we were asked by what outward signs the law- 
 student may be recognized, we should reply that he does 
 not dress in the latest fashion, but that he creates a 
 fashion for himself. He takes care to let his hair and 
 his beard grow, in order, as he says, not to look like a 
 grocer; but at certain periods of the year, before the 
 examinations, these signs of anarchy disappear. His 
 head resembles the style of a member of the Jacobin 
 Club ; his tuft and moustache that of a gallant at the 
 court of Louis XIH. 
 
 "A colossal pipe is absolutely indispensable to the 
 
LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS. 411 
 
 Student : he is a wholesale smoker. His pipe-bowl 
 attests the skill of the smoker, and presents the effigy 
 of a Turk, Henry IV., Robert Macaire, Francis I., St. 
 Just, or some other hero. 
 
 " He is king of the Latin quarter ; at the theatre he 
 lords it; he lords it in the tavern; he lords it in the 
 street. 
 
 " The fine arts, — literature, philosophy, and politics, — 
 he will study them all, every thing but his law. He 
 devours the new novels, and decides the fate of the last 
 new play. The portrait of Madame George Sand, hooked 
 by a pin to his bed's head, bears witness to his enthusi- 
 astic admiration for that distinguished hermaphrodite." 
 
 He has the cacoethes scribendi. " The tales he com- 
 poses almost invariably begin, ' It was in a lovely morn- 
 ing of spring, that two men, wrapped in large cloaks, 
 were silently descending the hill,' etc. Or sometimes he 
 rushes in medias res : ' By the mass ! ' exclaimed our 
 young hero, as he emptied at a draught his goblet of 
 Hungarian wine, ' we live, my lords, in times,' etc. His 
 poetry is generally consumptive, languid, pulmonary, 
 giving over, and given over by, all the world ; full of I's 
 and interjections ; as, for instance, — 
 
 " ' I wander weary and alone, 
 
 Along the world : an outcast moan 
 
 Breaks from my pallid lips ! 
 All things are born to nurse my sadness ! 
 My heart is struck with gall and madness, 
 
 My soul is in eclipse ! ' 
 
 These things, of course, are only written — never read. 
 "The deadliest animosity bums between the law- 
 
412 LAW AND LAWYERS IN LITERATURE. 
 
 student and the policeman.. They are foes as irrecon- 
 cilable as the Capulets and the Montagues. 
 
 " It is rare that the law-student does not play on some 
 instrument. He takes lessons on the flageolet, the Ger- 
 man flute, or the French horn ; or at least he can crow an 
 air on the accordeon. 
 
 "Three, four, or five years suffice for the student to 
 pass triumphantly through his five probations, including 
 the thesis. You may recognize in an instant in the Salle 
 des Pas Perdus — the Westminster Hall of Paris — him 
 who has just been called. He flaunts along in his bor- 
 rowed gown ; his heaving breast raises the tawny frill ; 
 he carries under his arm an immense portfoho, stuffed 
 with papers, to simulate the absent briefs." 
 
 " In the spouting-clubs, where the student and junior 
 advocates learn the art of defending the widow and the 
 orphan, the youthful aspirant pleads with equal emphasis 
 and erudition. He quotes the year-books and the digest, 
 Pothier and Gains, and crams his speech with scraps of 
 Latin. ' Yes ! ' he exclaims, ' in the question now before 
 us, my learned friend on the other side is penitus extra- 
 neus ; he is urged on by the hope of gain, certat de lucro 
 captando : while we — we certantes de damno vitando.' 
 The junior advocate is fond of anticipating the argu- 
 ments of the other side ; and it is extraordinary if you 
 do not detect in his speech two or three phrases pro- 
 nounced in a shrill voice, and beginning, ' My friends on 
 the other side will, perhaps,' — and then, after enumer- 
 ating these imaginary objections, he throws back his 
 sleeves, raises his arms to heaven, and exclaims, ' Is it 
 possible to imagine — I ask, gentlemen, whether it be 
 possible to imagine a line of argument more entirely 
 
LAW CLERKS AND LAW STUDENTS, 413 
 
 unsupported by the facts of the case, more contrary to 
 the principles of law, more extravagant to the ears of the 
 court, more — I check myself, gentlemen, lest my rising 
 indignation should lead me to forget what is due to the 
 audience which I have the honor of addressing.' " 
 
 These extracts convince us that no profounder truth 
 was ever uttered than when Major Jack Downing said, 
 "There's a great deal o' human natur in mankind in 
 gineral."