s,/-:i V$: •t / K.f •■ > (latttell Uniaeraitg Slibcacy jlttfaca, Netn $orb FROM THE BENNO LOEWY LIBRARY COLLECTED BY BENNO LOEWY 1854-1919 BEQUEATHED TO CORNELL UNIVERSITY Cornell University Library PS 3039.T48P7 Plu-rl-bus-tah.A song that's-by-no-autho 3 1924 022 189 520 Cornell University Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924022189520 F(yr explanation see last page. 1 Seea iMllJioiif ^ 1|^h)e." PEBPETRATED BT NEW YORK: LIVERMORE k RUDD, 3 I o BRq^jiDi^.A Y,. ,. , 185$. •^'•'11 Entered according to Act of OoogreSB, in the year 18fi6, by LIVEEMOEB 4 EUDD, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the tJnited States, for the Southern District of New York. ElKOTEOTTPED BT PEIIITnD BT THOKiS B. Shitv, 1/, \1(U) ,. D. lOKRBl (2 4 84 Beekman Street. 18 Spruce Street. Y■n'c■V.;^Vll'lll YV./iiiUJ-' ^^j'Utt ation. Boratai, s' ffiBitot, ftotn s' otiainal Sftet^, on s' ""ft ^i** of S' 33avTi''Oaxt, btXQ iscatce aitti b£TS correct. If the Author comprehends this production, it is not a tragedy. He supposes it to be an inconsistent, imprac- ticable, irreconcilable, paradoxical, trochaical ro- mance ; with a couple of ridiculous heroes whose existence is undeniable, and whose final departure was unintentionally tragic ; also a batch of im- EXPLANATION. possible heroines created for this occasion only, and who are unceremoniously disposed of. The characters were imagined by " Doe- sticks," by whom also the facts were invented, and the principal events fabricated. The illustrations were interpolated by John M'Lbnan, who holds himself personally respons- ible therefor. 3?« muc!) traptctrt artisl, from jt Sitrtctj ba Brarttaitlit CONTENTS. »♦• Explanation 3 The Author's Apolooy . 9 Inteoductign .... 13 I. The Pipe, and who Smoked it 27 V II. "Who Came, and "Wheeb he Came Fkom 40 III. PiSHT NuMBEB One— Who "Whipped, who Died, and how MANY Ban Away 60 IV. Fight N'otibbb Two — ^How many Rounds, and who Could n't Come to Time . , .... 63 VI CONTENTS. V. A Fbee-lovi: Maeeiasb '13 VI. The Gatheeqts of the Clans — "What thet went to "Woek at, and ho"w m0oh they got a month . ... 80 VII. How THE HeEO did a GREAT MANY THINGS, AND TVHO HELPED HIM .... .... . . 93 VIII. A SmOLE-HANDED GrAME OF BEAG ... 104 IX. What a Woman did lOg X. What the Heeo 'woeshiped 114 XI. FiOHT NtiMBEE Three, with Vakiahons 122 XII. Matrimoniai, Endearments— Fight Number Four. . . .130 CONTENTS. vii XIII. . ^ PAGE A COMPEOMISB, ASH WHAT CAME OP IT 141 XIV. How A ■Woman got hee Spdnk tjp, and lepi the CotJNTBT 141 XV. The CoNSEQtJENOES — Mother and Child both doino well. 156 XVI. He oontdtoes his Studies — ^His Peogeess. ...... 169 XVII. He still coNTiNtrES his Studies — His purtheb Pbogeess . 175 XVIII. Who Died, and what they did with him 184 XIX. Funeral akd Solemn , 189 XX. A Marriage, and what came op it ........ 195 Vm CONTENTS. XXI. FAGS Family Jabs, and a Depaetuhe 202 XXII. Spirit Rappings and Spiiiit Dbinking mixed 210 XXIII. What he did n't — What his Mother Did,^and wheee she Went to 219 XXIV^. CUFPBE TBIUMPHANT — An UNEXPECTED SMASH — DBMOLITION OP THE Hero 246 €^t ^^ttt^or's %l^ala^h REFUSE to apologize. When I began- this work, I assumed the right to distort facts, to muti- late the records, to belie i^ history, to outrage com- mon sense, and to speak as I should please, about ffi« compiler retusett) to atftnofiii- all dignitaiies, persons, e ge s torn. placcs, and events, with- out the slightest regard for truth or probability, I have done it. I intended to compose a story without plot, plan, or regard for the rules of grammar. I have done it. X THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. I intended to write a poem in defiance of precedent, of prosody, and of the public. I have done it. I intended to upset all commonly received ideas of Chronology, and to transpose dates, periods, epochs and eras, to suit my own con- venience. I have done it. I intended not only to make free with the heathen Grods, and to introduce some of them into our modern " Best Society," but also to invent a mythology of my own, and get up home-made deities to suit myself. I have done it. I intended to slaughter the American Eagle, cut the throat of the Groddess of Liberty, an- nihilate the Yankee nation, and break things generally ; and I flatter myself that — I have done it. If you are discontented with the story — ^if THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. XI the beginning does not siiit you — ^if the middle is not to your taste — if you are not pleased with the catastrophe — ^if you don't like , my dis- position of the characters — ^if you find fault with my imaginative facts — if you think the poetry isn't genuine — if, in fact, you are dissatisfied with the performance, you had better go to the doorkeeper and get your money back, for, I re- peat it, I refuse to apologize. What are you going to do about it ? 38« compfUr Uabetf) s' pcopit , to ssstiafs ttitmselics. iitra^urtiffit* ffit autfiot maJtctf) fjta Uoto }o gt alimitins ^itblicft, in s^ 33acItsrounti jjc Kine. " MT ********* **«* MT UNCLE." — Shdkspea/re. Non-committal applause by tiie curious reader, who don't know wRat to expect. Enter, to slow music, the author, solus and seedy. In the distance are seen the nine muses, smoking short pipes, and eating peanuts. They encourage INTEODUCTIOW. the bashful poet by telling him to "Go in, Lemons!" (The good-natured pubHc will also imagine the lemons.) Thus en- couraged, he speaks as follows : gt xiitteti an* muc!i respecteti SEncU. ON'T you ask me, whence this burlesque ; Whence this captious fabrication, With its huge attempt at satire, With its effort to be funny, With its pride in Yankee spirit. With its love of Yankee firmness, With its flings at Yankee fashions. With its slaps at Yankee humbug. With its hits at Yankee follies, INTKODUCTION. XV And its scoffs at Yankee bragging, With its praise of all that's manly, All that's honest, all that's noble, With its bitter hate of meanness. Hate of pride and affectation. With its >scom of slavish fawning. Scorn of snobs, and scorn of flunkies, Scorn of all who cringe before the Dirty but " almighty dollar ?" Don't you ask — for I shan't tell you. Lest you, too, should be a Yankee And should turn and sue for hbel, Claiming damage — God knows how much. Here the faint-hearted author vanishes in a tremulous flour- ish of coat-tails, and "Doesticks," appearing, learnedly dis- courses as follows: Should you ask me where I found it ? Found this song, perhaps so stupid, ■ Found this most abusive epic ? I should answer, I should tell you INTEODUCTION. That " I found it at my Uncle's," "Number one, around the comer," In a paper, in a pocket, 3iot8tai, s' (E*ttor, liisrofimtf) jf original M&- S' murt)' rrepectcti aSnrit briigfittll tjertal. In a coat, within a bundle. Tied up, ticketed and labelled, Labeled by my careful " Uncle ;" Placed within a cozy recess, On a shelf behind a curtain. Sere I found this frantic poem ; And "my Uncle," kind old "Uncle," Told me that the hard-up author. One day borrowed two and sixpence INTRODUCTION. XVll On this coat, and on this bundle. Months had flown, and still the author Hadn't yet redeemed his pledges, Hadn't paid the two and sixpence. So "my Uncle," dear old "Uncle," Kind, accommodating "Uncle," Sold to me this precious bundle, And this poem lay within it. This is where I got this epic, Epic pawned for two and sixpence. But, where is the hard-up author ? Whether writing, whether starving, Whether dead, or in the almshouse, I don't care — nor does the public. If, stUl further, you should ask me, "Who is this dear noble 'Uncle.?' Tell us of this kind old ' Uncle ;'" I should answer your inquiries Straightway, in such words as follow : " In the Bowery and in Broome street. XVIU INTRODUCTION. Neighbor to the fragrant gin-shop ; In a dark and lonesome cellar Dwells the Hebrew — dwells 'my Uncle,' You can teU his habitation By the golden balls before it. "Here 'my Uncle,' kind old 'Uncle,' Dear, disinterested ' Uncle,' Sits and sings his ' song of sixpence.' ' Sixpence here for every farthing, Every farthing that I lend you You shall soon return me sixpence : And, that by the risk I lose not. Ere I lend you dimes or dollars. You shall leave a hundred values Of the money which you borrow ; Which, if you don't pay my sixpence, Shall be forfeit then forever. Sixpence here for every farthing. Every farthing pays me sixpence.' "Here the painters bring their pictures, INTEODUCTION. Precious, beautiful creations ; Bring them to my kind old 'Uncle.' He to cherish native talent, And encourage home-bred genius, Gives the artist, on his pictures. Half the first cost of the canvas. And the author takes his poem, Which has cost him months of labor ; On which he has poured his life * out — Takes it to my kind old 'Uncle,' Who, to cherish native talent. E« wttiate, a^ iHusitians, anlj s' nertia Vi'ii'iclt 'feifs S' fieitEioIent WincU, Gives him what the ink has cost him, What the ink with which he wrote it. * By " life" the author does not mean autobiography. INTBODUCTION. "But the poet and the painter Are Americans, and natives Of the land which leaves them beggars That's the reason why they're starving- Why they need 'my Uncle's' sixpence.' ge auccesiatui .^oet anS s' prosperous ^ainttt. This is how this naughty poem Once was 'up a spout' in Broome Street — This is all about 'my Uncle' — Good-by, ' Uncle' — go to thunder." * The native poet and the native painter are a couple of native jackasses. If Muggins's poem won't sell, let him Frenchify him- self, and become " Chevalier Muggins" or " Monsieur de Mogyns ;" and if Dobbs can't find a market for his picture, let him trans- mogrify himself into an Italian, and call himself " Signer Dob- boni," and both will find customers enough. If Miss Donovan, the Irish songstress, can't make her music pay expenses, she adds an " i" to her Celtic cognomen, and straightway as " Signorina Douovani," she creates a sensation. Vide Hist. Ital. Opera, every volume within the memory of man. INTEODUCTION. Ye, who love to scold your neighbors, Love to magnify their foUies, Love to swell their faults and errors. Love to laugh at other's dullness, Making sport of other's failings — Buy this modern Yankee fable ; Buy this song that's by no author. Ye, who love to laugh at nonsense, Love the stilted lines of burlesque. Want to read a song historic, Want to read a song prophetic. Want to read a mixed-up story Full of facts and real transactions. Which you know are true and life-like — Also full of lies and fictions, Full of characters of fancy And imaginary people. Buy this home-made Yankee fable ; Buy this song that's by no author. xxu INTBODUCTION. Ye, who want to see policemen, Eoman heroes, modem Bloomers, Heathen gods of every gender, News-boys, generals, apple-peddlers, Modern ghosts of ancient worthies, Editors, and Congress members 3|« CoitBTCssman, a' draitor, a' UStfoat of j' lamcnttli l£|iimltt, etc.. ttt. With their bowie-knives and horsewhips, Saints and scoundrels, Jews and Gentiles, Honest nlen of ancient fable, "With historic modern villains, Jumbled up in dire confusion, . Dovetailed in, at once regardless Of all place or date or country ; INTRODUCTION. XXIU Making such a curious legend As the world has never read of; Headless, taiUess, soulless, senseless, Even authorless and foundling — Buy this modem Yankee fable. Buy this song that's by no author. Ye, who sometimes in your rambles Through the alleys of the city. Where the smell of gas escaping. And the odors of the gutters. And the pejfume of the garbage. And the fragrance of the mud-carts BoyCt remind you of the country. Or the redolence of roses ; Pause by some neglected book-stall, For awhile to muse and ponder On the second-hand collection : If you find among the volumes. Disregarded, shabby volumes, One which answers to our title, xxiv INTRODUCTION. Buy it here and read hereafter — Buy this modem Yankee fable. Buy this song that's by no author. S' ^ublicit Wscolinetj) j' ITolumc at eiicta 33tioft>!8taII. MWiiSlllj ^j lip, an& to|ff SraffUlJ it; WITH ALL THE PAETICULABS. g» ieneriilt anlr s» inuc6 tespecttD SugftcT tnjoaetj Simstlft *>itf) a' pipe snlr a' latest neSoB. N the ancient heathen heaven. On a side hill cafled Olympus, Mister Jupiter, the mighty. 28 A CELESTIAL BBBAKrAST. With his wife and all his children, With his Juno and the babies, Sat one morning eating breakfast. On his feet he had his slippers, On his lap he laid his napkin, In his hand he held the paper. Looking at the " City Items ;" To his lips he raised the buckwheat Pancakes, dripping with molasses — To his lips he raised the coffee, Throwing back his head celestial, ' Opening wide his jawbones godlike, Showed the winding pathway for it. Saying to it — " Run down this way.'' From a shelf within a closet. Taking down his pipe of comfort. With its bowl of yellow meerschaum, With its stem of india-rubber, And its mouth-piece made of ivory ; Filled the bowl with best tobacco. JUPITBE SUBMISSIVE. 29 Breathed upon a lump of charcoal, Tin, in flames, it burst and kindled — Then, in meek obedience to that Superstition of the ladies, That tobacco scents the curtains. Mister Jupiter, the mighty, As a signal to the kitchen That he had devoured his breakfast, And they might wash up the dishes. Walked out doors into the woodshed, There to smoke his pipe of comfort. 4 !| ■^ ^ '*5 ^ r % Supifet, s' tatiil t, emo&eti) ^ MmetiBum in s' tHSontwJtBBe. In the woodshed, on the slop-pail, In his slippers and his shirt-sleeves ; 30 WHAT THE INDIANS DID N'T SEE. With one leg across the other In the style of Mrs. Bloomer, ' At the Woman's Eights Convention, Mister Jupiter sat smoking : And the smoke rose fast and faster. As he sat there puffing, puffing. Like a furious locomotive — A celestial locomotive. First a single line of darkness. Then a denser, bluer vapor, Ever rising, rising, rising TiU it touched the roof above him. And rolled outward through the chink-holes. But the nations didn't see it, And the Indians couldn't see it, Or the warriors wouldn't see it. If they did, they didn't mind it. They had other things to look to. For the Delewares and Mohawks, All the Shoshonies and Blackfeet. WHAT JUPITBE DID SEE. 31 All the Pawnees and Omawhaws, With their squaws and their pappooses, Had their hunting grounds deserted, To attend a grand convention, Eed republican mass-meeting, Which you '11 find, described in detail, In the " Song of Hiawatha." Hiawatha gave them tickets Over all the lakes and rivers, So they all went free, as deadheads. Through the window of the woodshed. Through the smoke so thick and solid. Through his spectacles so clouded, Through his little kitchen-garden, Through the shadows of the beanpoles, Mister Jupiter, the mighty, Saw a maiden coming toward him. To his feet, at once, he started — Threw the slop-pail in a comer, Threw his spectacles far from him. 32 WHAT HE DID. Threw his pipe into the ashes, Threw his shppers through the window — Through the smoke, and through the doorway, Through the alley, through the garden. He went rushing forth, to meet her. Then and there he met and kissed her. Supitn, i' tH^anlstttx, nntiiuett jjt jgsnitte tSoVlita Smnics. Then and there he long embraced her, Looking backward toward the kitchen, Trembling lest his wife should see him. Little fear of that, however, For his spouse was in the parlor, With her hair put up in papers. With her feet in ragged slippers, WHO THE LADY WAS. 33 With a torn and dirty dress on, Studying the latest fashions. Who then, was this stranger maiden ? Who was this pedestrian female ? Hear ye ! hear ye ! patient reader : This fair lady was a goddess, Dressed in deerskin shoes and leggins, Dressed in wampum, beads, and feathers — ■ Quite a quisby looking goddess, Still a goddess without question. Miss America her name was, And she used to live in heaven. In the ancient, heathen heaven, Till she had a " muss" one evening, Had a little row with Juno, And was forced to leave those "diggins." Jupiter on earth had placed her — Made her ruler of the nations. Made her mistress of the redskins, Queen of all the tribes of warriors ; 34 SAVAGE COOKBRY. 2« a«nU« amttico istotfi a slisilt BifftcuUs tnitft s« (Eottiees Sunn. Made her queen of all the country, AH the continent so mighty, Which was named &om her cognomen, Named America, the glorious.* For awhile her reign went smoothly. And her amiahle subjects Shot, and killed, and scalped each other, Boasted, broiled and stewed each other With most excellent good-nature. To her utmost satisfaction : * There is a ridiculous story that this country was called America from one Amerious Vespucius, a foreigner, and u papist. The friends of " Sam" will, undoubtedly, feel much obliged to the author for his vindication of the fair name of the continent, A WOMAN'S COMPLAINT. 35 Then she liked their sports and pastimes, Much enjoyed her situation. But she now returned to heaven, Seeldng Jupiter, the mighty. What she came there to complain of, What she said, and. what she wanted, You shall hear if you'll be patient. ^c fa&oritr anil innocent pastimes of s^ gentle ZaUhaQts, Mister Jupiter, the mighty, Quick returning to the woodshed, On his lap took up the lady. Bade her tell him all her story. Thus she spake, with tears, and sobbing, "All the Indians whom you gave me. 36 DITTO, WITH VABIATIONS. Have cleared out and left the country. When the poet, Henry Wadsworth, Wrote the song of Hiawatha, He took all my Indian subjects, S' fitri! rapacfnuB Kenra atftucta a' Salbogw fnm a' tfeconsolate Smeticii. All my pretty, playful warriors. With their toys, the knife and war-club, With their pretty games of scalping, And their pleasant sports of roasting. And their other torture-pastimes, Took them all to make a book of. SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED. 37 All the Indians have departed, All the land is now deserted ; In it there is not a warrior, Not a squaw, pappoose, or puppy; Nothing left — save Indian summer — He's got all my Indians somewhere." Speaking thus, she put her finger In her mouthy as little children Always do when grieved and troubled, Then began to sob and blubber. Jg' mgiit Stijiiter speaftet^ toit^ mutti ^rofunliits to s' fnqultfng 9iiieifca, Mister Jupiter, the mighty. In his arms then took the maiden. Talked to her in tones endearing, 38 JUPITER CONSOLES THE LADT. Talked to her in tender accents, Talked to her as human mothers Do to peevish human babies. "Don't it cry, the darling Ducky, Bmtrtca, iefng mucj atfectfti, ioijetS ttt nasal ffitsan tnttj s' 9pron. Henry Wadsworth sha'n't abuse it : It shall have some pretty playthings. Let the naughty Henry Wadsworth Have the ugly, nasty Indians, For his song of Hiawatha, You shall have some handsome white men, From across the boundless ocean, Who shall be your pets and playthings. Dry its eyes now, Duclcy dearest, Kiss papa, and then run homeward," SHE VANISHES S9 Then the maiden stopped her crying, Wiped her nose upon her apron, On her spotted doeskin apron ; Kissed old Jupiter, the mighty. Slyly, so his wife, so jealous, Shouldn't find it out and scratch him — Then ran back to earth to wait for The fulfillment of the promise. And old Jupiter, the mighty. As he sat upon the slop-pail. Looking through the unwashed window. Saw her vanish through the garden. SufUtt, B« mttcj nsfttttli, 6)itn«BBtt5 a' JBtpartutt of j' (Eoliljeaa Through the shadows of the bean-poles. Through the clouds of smoke, ascending, Eising from his pipe of comfort. II. Ifett cmt, anJi \a\m ft tmt (xm. N the sea-shore stood the Stood America, the- Goddess, Swearing, in good Bowery English, Fearful oaths of direst vengeance — Vengeance on the recreant Indians, A STUMP SPEECH. 41 .Vengeance on the painted redskinSj Vengeance on them "all and several. From the burly, bowleg chieftain To the piihng, bowleg baby. Thus ran her soliloquizing — (Minus all the execrations), " Traitor Injun ! you're a blackguard, Thus to leave a 'love lorn woman,' Leave an 'unprotected female' To the mercy of the wildcats. When the poet, Henry Wadsworth, Has sold out his last edition Of the song of Hiawatha, He wiU have no more of Injuns ; He will send you trooping homeward. Then, when, you approach these borders, I will give you such a welcome, Such a welcome as you read of. When the white-man comes — ^the pale-face. In his great canoe with pinions, 42 THREATS OP VBNGBANCE. From the regions of the momiag, From his home across the ocean, I shall tell him all the story, Story of the Injun hlackguards. He shall burn your- towns and vdgwams, He shall plow your grounds of hunting. He shall fell your woods and forests. Slay your weakened, warring nations, Drive them westward to the river, Drive them westward to the ocean ; Feast his dogs upon your corpses. Make your bones up into toothpicks. Into fine-tooth combs and tooth-picks. J^t Cootfipicitc. OPPOSITION INDIANS. 43 I vrill show him, in the countty, Things that you have never thought of. You red rascals never dreamed of. He shall make this wide-spread country Such a cultivated country. That you red-skins will be 'nowhere.'" Thus this young, sweet-tempered maiden Paced along the sandy sea-shore. Waiting for the coming pale-face ; Talking to the absent Injun, Swearing at the blackguard "Injun," Shaking both her fists in anger At the "Injun," and at Henry Who had "cabbaged" all her "Injuns" For his song of Hiawatha. For across the bouncing ocean, On a self-conceited Island, Dwelt the tribe of PU-grim-fath-us. Strong were they in pluck and courage, Strong were they in bone and sinew. 44 THE PILGEIM MAKTYBS. Strong were they in nerve and muscle. Strong were they in will and firmness, Strong in stanchness and reliance : But they always came out strongest On the question of Eeligion. They had their peculiar notions Of the future state of mortals; Had their own ideas of Tophet, Had their own ideas of Satan ; Differing from the other churches. So the opposition Christians Tried to turn them, and convert them To the opposition doctrines^— Tried to drive them into heaven. By a path which did not suit them. So they had to leave the country, And as martyrs, injured martyrs Persecuted sea-sick martyrs. In a big canoe — ^the Mayflower — Sculled themselves across the ocean, WHO TBE BOSS PILGBIK WAS. 45 Beached their place of destination, Landed on the rocky sea-shore. 3|» pttKtttteli ililflrim JFaaSJiig cross a' ttrriMe ocean to b' i'Id eounhlt. Chief among these seedy martyrs. Chief of these amphibious martyrs, Of the tribe of Pil-grim-fath-us ; First at prayer, at praise, at dinner. Was the captain, Pluri-bus-tah. He it was who held the painter, Held the painter of the yawl-boat ; He it was who held the boatrhook. Standing in the foremost yawl-boat ; He it was who dropped the painter. He it was who dropped the boat-hook, He it was who left the yawl-boat, 46 THE BOSS PILGBIM LANDS. Jumped up to his waist in water, Wetting both his boots and breeches, Waded through the floating sea-weed. Eanliina "t S' Hrett ffiilatfm. Braving all the crabs and lobsters, Struggled, screeching, sprawling, straddling, Splurging, spattering and splashing, EXIT OF THE GODDESS. 4? Till he stood on solid gravel — Stood, the first, upon the sea-shore. Here America received him With a complicated court'sey, Showed him the surrounding country, Showed him all the wide-spread country, Led him all about the country. Gave him, ere she parted with him, Quit-claim deeds of all the country ; Then she left him in possession, And went off about her business. What her business was, don't ask me • Where she went to, do not ask me ; How she got there, do not ask me ; When she died, or whom she married, I don't know ; so don't you ask me. Off she went, and left him standing There upon the sandy sea-shore ; And the setting sun was shining On his black and seedy breeches, ■48 SOLILOQUY OF THE HBBO. Fastened at his knees with ribbons, On his shoes, with silver buckles, On his hat, so tall and steeply. Like the Tribune's news reporters : 3g' canut anti authentic ^ortraita of g' Bepottefs ai s' Striiunr. And the sun continued shining, Poured its golden rays upon him, To baptize the new born nation, Wouldn't go to bed and leave him, TiU it saw the country's christening. Thus spoke Pluri-bus-tah, solus, " Glorious country ! new found country ! Country yet unknown and nameless ! I will call you — I will name you THE CHBISTBNINQ. 4a From myself, your ftiture master — From my cognomen euphonic. Hail ! thou land of Pluri-bus-tah ! Beign here ever, Pluri-bus-tah ! •C-^M/^ 9< ffioMni atnniti ttafidttg toigatti sun'boliin antl.bsietS $IuiCbuiti;i to Va oinn teitciiant. III. JgE inaj in inljicti a' ^ilpim JFssttl"" punfsSrt) a' HUS the tribes of Pil-grim fa- thus ' Left their native mother country, In their big canoe, with pinions. ADVANTAGES OF THE COUNTET. 61 And were borne across the ocean. To the land of Pluri-bus-tah — Found a land to preach and pray in, With no opposition Christians Who would bother or disturb them. Here was freedom of opinion, Here was liberty of action, Here they might kneel down in prayer, On the sand, and on the gravel, On the sea-weed and the clamshells, Till these last testaceous relics Cut their breeches into tatters. They appreciated freedom, And they liked their new-found country ; So they straight began to clear it, Fit it for a nation's cradle. For their children's home hereafter. Following their sturdy captain, Brawny, stalwart, Pluri-bus-tah, They went forth into the forests. 52 BIS TWO 7BIEXDS. Forth, into the hills and mountains, Doing Pluri-bus-tah's bidding. Doing just what he commanded. Pluri-bus-tah took his coat off, Took his tall and steeply hat ofF, Rolled his shirt-sleeves to his elbows, Took his friends, the Ax and Eifle, " 3S« Si anti jt (ffuimt." As his aids to tame the country: For the Indians, returning From the Hiawatha meeting, Now began to give him trouble. And to fill his wide dominions. KOMANTIC INBIANS. 5S Fierce and cruel were these red men : Hiawatha's deadhead tickets Only thither paid their passage. Thither to his great convention ; And the disappointed warriors Had to work their passage homeward, They were therefore very savage. Very ugly were these red men, Clothed in ftirs, and skins and feathers. Armed with tomahawks and war-clubs, Scalping knives, and bows and arrows, Also other dire inventions. Which at present I can't think of Mr. Cooper says these red men All were daring, brave, and noble, Frank, and honest, open-hearted, Gentlemanly, proud, and stylish ; All were tall, and straight, and handsome. Handsome, marriageable warriors ; So that all romantic maidens, S4 SENTIMENTAL YOUNG LADIES. Who read Mr. Cooper's novels, And the song of Hiawatha, Think how nice 'twould be to marry With some noble Indian Chieftain — Live with him upon the prairies, g' ZdiaBt at romaunct. Live with him within the forest, Sleep, at night, beside his camp-fire. And have little Indian babies. Pluri-bus-tah, found them different ; None of Mr. Cooper's heroes In his neighborhood resided ; INDIANS AS THEY ABE. 55 But the red men Pluri-bus-tah Found upon his timbered coimtry Were not all attired in feathers Feathers of the screaming Eagle ; Were not handsome as he-angels. Nor as honest as they should be ; 3' tis^t natural Unliugf horn nature. But they dressed in dirty breech-clouts; Striped their noble faces over With vermilion and red ochre, TiU they looked like Dr. Watsosi's Temple of the "Holy Zebra." And these same romantic red men Stole all Pluri-bus-tah's whiskey. 66 PLUKIBUSTAH AEGUES WITH HI8 FOES Stole his guns, and stole his horses ; And, besides these little foibles, Had an inconvenient fashion Of igniting aU his wigwams ; Boasting, in the flames, his women. While they killed and scalped his children, Pluri-bus-tah didn't like it. So he thought that he would coax them, Coax these red, romantic Indians To depart and leave the country Free to him and his descendants. And our hero brought such reasons, In his argument, to back him. And his words were so persuasive. And his reasons so convincing. That the red men all departed. Save a number of the boldest. Biggest, ugliest of the chieftains. Who had reasons for remaining. BBFOBB WITXESSES. 51 Liberty, another G-oddess, Eoaming, with her sister Justice, Through the land in search of pkasure, From a distance saw this meeting ; Came and sat upon the comer Of a rail-fence round a corn-field-: Bringing also her relation, Who sat on the fence beside her. As these amiable ladies Sat upon the nearest angle Of the worm-fence, close together, Young Miss Liberty reached over To Miss Justice, who was blindfold; Lifted from her eyes the bandage, 3* 58 SPEECHES BY THE FEMININE DELEGATION, So she, too, could see tlie pastime. Then they clapped their hands together. Cheering on the valiant hero. " Give the red men Cross !" said Justice ; Grive them fits, brave Pluri-hus-tah ! Take your stand in yonder forest, Where their arrows can not hit you, Where their tomahawks can't hurt you, Where their scalping-knives can't reach you. Thence, in safety, you can shoot them. With your rifle you can kill them." -4:^myi ffi« ffioMcssra tooii at j' JTisW- Liberty the cry re-echoed : " Q-ive the red man Goss !" she told him ; "Drive him westward from the forest, CONCLUSION OF THE ARGUMENT. 59 Drive him westward from the prairie, Drive him westward to the momitain, Drive him westward to the ocean, Then beneath the waves submerge him. Chase him from his grounds of hunting, Chase him from his father's ashes, Chase him west, with fire and fagot, Chase him into the Pacific. Give him Goss ! for he's no business, Business none, to be an Injun." Pluri-bus-tah, thus encouraged, Soon persuaded all the warriors To depart and leave his clearing; Then he turned, to ask the ladies To the house to get some hoe-cake ; But they both had started homeward. Having had enough of pastime. When our hero had possession Of the land, for which he'd argued With the red men in the forest, . 60 BEGINNING OF THE SEQUEL. Straightway, he commenced Ms business, Set to work to right the blunders, Which Dame Nature 'd fallen into, When she first laid out the country : For this lady's first arrangements Didn't suit his views exactly. So he chopped the forest trees down. Then he cleared the rotting stumps off, Then he filled the mountain dales up. Then he bored the mighty hills through, Thus he altered all the landscape, Just to suit his Yankee notion. On the mountain streams built saw-mills. Then he dragged the lofty pine-trees. Evergreen, and moaning pine-trees. Trees which crowned the crag and mountain. Emerald coronal of mountain, Pride of the primeval forest. Glory of the t^ingled forest. Mighty giants of the wild-wood. FLY-TIMB. 61 Towering, vegetable giants. With a hundred arms to battle, Battle with ihe mighty Storm-Wind ! These the valiant Pluri-bus-tah, Armed with ax, went out to conquer. Round their roots he made his ax fly Round his head he made the chips fly, On his breeches made the pitch fly. While 'the horse-fly, and the gad-fly Made his pious oaths, like mad, fly. Pluri-bus-tah, persevering. Laid the giants low before him. Dragged them to his cruel sawmill, 62 WHAT THE PEOPLE DID. Sawed tlieir heads off, sawed their hearts out, Sawed them into slabs and scantling. To make wigwams for his people. And his tribe kept on increasing, Building villages and cities. Widening cow-paths into post-roads, Building boats upon the rivers, Sending ships across the ocean. Making forts, and arming soldiers, Training men, and getting jeady — Eeady to fight aU creation. tnlitcotibt of s' bag in Snjit?] je ^Sstim JFast^uB iuilt 5' torts anli SaW s' ^aliasti!. IV. |ig|t mmkx ttoff— |0ta mm xamtss, anJi ia\a tmM't tmt ta time. UHL Brittania, a lady Who resided on the sea-shore, On the other side the ocean : Who was mistress of the island, Of the self-conceited island, Whence the .trihe of Pil-grim-fath-us, In the Mayflower, had departed — Srittenta jE matie (Suian, anS s* ierriik Hson on s' li'^i "t ^ IBuart. 64 A FAMILY QUABBKL. Who was Pluri-bus-tah's mother, But who ever had denied it, Till she saw him well and thriving, Then her truant son remembered. Pluri-bus-tah, glad to see her. Treated her with love and kindness : But, one evening, in a frolic. He, to play a joke upon her. Mixed her tea vrith salt sea-water. She, however, like the modem Yankee poet, K. N. Pepper, "Didn't sea the goak," but, straightway Fell into a furious passion — Threatened she would spank her offspring, Spank our hero, Pluri-bus-tah ! He, however, still remembering That she set him up in business (Though, in truth, she didn't know it. And would sooner, far, have starved him). Took the matter rather easy. A. FAMILY QUABEBL. 65 But at last, he "got his grit up" — " Up to concert pitch," and higher ; And he swore eternal vengeance, If she didn't stop her jawing ; Said he couldn't strike a woman, Butj if she would send a champion, He would "wallop him like blazes." So Brittania, his mother, Sent her other son to whip him ; His big brother, Johnny Taurus, Who should punish him severely. W tomct lattrtten atj^ lautua, ftom s' sSrttfi in posstMian of at ISurJam famjife. When he saw his foeman coming, Pluri-bus-tah felt his dander Eising, rising, rismg, rising ; 66 PEBPAEA.TI0N8 FOB A And his heart was hot within him, Like a heated brick his heart was. Out he strode into the meadow, At each stride a rod he measured ; And he journeyed on, and onward, Left his wigwam far behind him ; In his hand a rope he carried, With some stakes, an ax and tape-line ; When he reached the distant meadow. He let down the bars and entered. There he built a " ring," according SJoining Soto jt ^piuiiSustaii, mutij txtiWa, Sunt j* ting. To the laws of British " Fancy"— Built a ring with ropes and saplings. For his fight with Johnny Taurus. SHIBT-SLEBVB DUEL. 67 Liberty, had, from a distance, Seen this muss of Pluri-bus-tah — Seen him, with his ax and tape-line. Working in the distant meadow. Building there the ring for battle. On came Johnny and his mother. For his mother came to back him. There to see fair play and honor, In the battle with his brother. And she brought her Lion with her, As a pleasant seat to sit on ; Which should, keep her feet from wetting In the damp and swampy meadow. Liberty could hold no longer. When she saw the trio coming. Three to one, she thought wa'n't honest ; So she hurried down to offer Aid and help to Pluri-bus-tah. Then she caught the golden Eagle, Caught the "bird of Jove," the Eagle, 68 THEY SQUARE OFF Made him perch upon her shoulder, With the bird she took her station, In the ring "with Pluri-bus-tah, There to watch the coming battle. Then began the deadly conflict, Hand to hand, of sMU and science. Liberty, the "fair-plajr" maiden. Stood beside our Pluri-bus-tah, Stood there as his bottle-holder. Every round with anguish watching — Holding hat, and coat, and neckcloth — Cheered him when he felt downhearted, Cheered him with her words of comfort, Cheered him with the promised future, Cheered him with her sweet caresses, Cheered him with the brandy bottle. When he felt his strength declining. Seven long years the battle lasted, ■ Seven long years our Pluri-bus-tah Fought with Mr. Johnny Taurus. AND GO IN. 69 'Twas a rough and tumble combat, Neither yielding to the other. Johnny had his Ma to back him, The old Lady stood behind him, Urging him to prove courageous. Prove himself a lad of spirit. Pluri-bus-tah, he was fighting With a " handsome gal" beside him, And was bound to win the battle, Win the fight, or die a-trying. Seven long years they banged each other. Battered, bruised, and mauled each other. Sometimes, standing up and giving Mutual knocks, with skill and science. Like the Poole and Baker "Artists" — Then again, Hke rowdy " Suckers," "Sailing in," without regard to Any of the laws of "Fancy." Wrestling, scratching, kicking, biting, Rolling on the ground and gouging, 10 THE LAST BOUND. Biting at each other's noses, Knocking at eacli other's grinders, Till, at last, our hero whipped him So his mother didn't know him. Blacked his eyes, and bunged his nose up ; Knocked his teeth out, caved his ribs in. g' SucKks aittt s' arttetre. Master Johnny lost his courage, Cried " Enough," and yelled for mercy ; Lay down on his back and hallooed, Like Lord Forth, in the Crimea, At the fight of Balaklava, For his ma to come and take him Home and put him in the cradle. On that day Britannia's lion Dropped his tail, and bowed his head down. THB VOYAGE HOMJffiWAED. 71 And has, ever since, been tamer Than the lions of Van Amburgh, Or the lions of Herr Driesbach, Or the Uons down at Barnum's, Who don't bite their master's head off, Though they have him halfway swallowed. When the fight, at last, was over, Pluri-bus-tah rose rejoicing. For he, too, was tired and weary ; But he lifted Master Johnny From the ground, and gently took him Through the island, to the Battery, Put him in a Jersey clam boat. Put him in with his companions- In the bow, the British lion. In the stern, his ma, Britannia — For a sail, the blood-red banner. With the broad red cross of England. He had neither bread nor whisky, To sustain him, on his journey 72 WHAT THE BBADEB HAD BETTER DO. Back to Britain and his people. He must either eat the lion, Or the lion must eat Johnny, "Whether he did eat the lion, Or the lion did eat Johnny — Whether each did eat the other, Like the animals of stoiy, I don't know — ^you'd better ask them. 3g« Baunw, Btitannfs, anli a' ILianm tttutiKtS ta mtxrit ffinstenU. V. ^ Iret-lfftoe parriagt. HEN the task at 5; last was ended, And the handsome three were fairly Navigating home, toward Brit- ain, Pluri-bus-tah took his jacket puti'busi'tattrfutrttffito Fiom the "handsome gal" who ge bifgEuame bitf) s^ oi' ffctnfi)u>affertion«. held it 4 1i WHAT WAS DONE Dressed himself, and washed the blood off. Homeward then walked Pluri-bus-tah ; Pleasant was the landscape romid him, Pleasant was the air above him, And the bitterness of anger Had departed wholly from him. But his eyes were badly bunged up. And his face was sadly battered ; Yet, with Liberty, the maiden. Who had been his bottle-holder. Arm in arm, started homeward. Through the swamps, and through the meadows, Over brush, and over fences. Wading creeks, and fording rivers, Like the sons of old Virginia, On they traveled, never tiring,* Till they reached his farm and clearing. Sat them down within his wigwam. * See old song-book " Olo Virginny neyer tire." AFTER THE BATTLE. 75 ■Ht Urinitetti a* S-agEc BUt. Here, he drank a mug of "lager," But the lady, being modest. Took a glass of cool spring water, " With a fly in," to revive her. ITiefa of gt JHae. After they had drunk together. And had each a "half a dozen On the shell," by way of luncheon, 76 WHAT THE LADY HAD N'T AND Each one felt a "sort of likin" For the other, and for marriage — Felt a "passional attraction," As the " Free-love" people have it : Which means — every girl have husbands, Ten or twenty if she needs them, AH she wants if she can get them — Every man, a score of women. Every man a private harem, Like the Mormons now in Utah. g« iSCotmon latfier, s' c6iHrcett an* a' mottiera ti)nM£ So Miss Liberty, the maiden, With no dowry but her petti- Coats, and other under garments, With no clothes but what she stood in She, who, like our modern ladies. Couldn't make a pie or pudding. WHAT SHE COULDN'T DO. 11 Couldn't mend a pair of breeches, Couldn't dam a pair of stockings. Could n't wash the breakfest dishes ; And Mwlike our modem ladies, Couldn't play guitar, piano. Lute, or flute, or even Jewsharp, Couldn't work ia fancy worsted Dogs like mice, and cats like horses- Men and mules so like each other. None could tell, without inquiring, Which was man and which was jackass, ffi' Sampler ins S<" a"* tajrt. Trees and houses, mills and mountains. Of such curious conformation. That no one, except the maker. is WHAT THE GENTLEMAN AGBEED TO DO Knew the mountain from the windmill.* Liberty, thougli thus benighted, Thus unfitted to be married, Said she 'd wed with Pluri-bus-tah, Take him in the Free-love fashion As her first impromptu husband. Pluri-bus-tah, not behind-hand^ Said he'd take the anxious lady, Take her in the Free-Love fashion, Take her, for a white, on triaL This was Pluri-bus-tah's wooing, Thus he won the bottle-holder, Won the female bottle-holder. Who had cheered him in the battle Which he fought with Johnny Taurus. This was Pluri-bus-tah's wedding, And the old South Bell, at Boston, Bang a loud and cheerful chorus — * A lady's crochet work is a thing of snch onrions designs and appearance, that a disinterested obseryer can't often tell whether it is intended for a landscape or a pigeon pot-pie. AND WHAT HE DID. ?9 Pride and joy, and much thanksgiving, And the people swelled the chorus, And the small boys yelled the chorus. Chorus for this ancient bridal, Chorus for this Free-love wedding. S' BtU tfiat rang tijttii u' foaful ftKltome. VI. Ml at, mli fe0to muxfe ■to^at tfefg toent ta pi » m0nt|. comets s' Strangers. EAES they lived in peace together, Years they lived and loved ^ each other. Pluri-hus-tah strove to make her Happy and contented with him — A GENERAL INVITATION, 81 Strove, with strong and honest action, In the glorious cause of freedom. Strove to make his wide-spread country Freedom's home — ^where all the weary And oppressed of every nation. Should he welcome — welcome ever — Welcome here to freedom's fireside. Every morning Pluii-hus-tah Went and stood upon the sea-shore, On the sand upon the sea-shore, Liberty stood there beside him. Side by side they stood, and beckoned To the East, and to the westward — Called to every isle and country. To the poor of every nation. The oppressed of every nation. Here to come with wife and children — Come with cradle, bed and blankets. Here to make their habitation. Here to make their home forever. 82 A LOUD CALL " Come !" cried Pluri-bus-tah, calling Till his voice awoke the echoes, Echoes of the air and ocean, " Come, from king, and queen, and monarch, Come, from autocrat and despot, In the cabin, if you're wealthy. If you ain't, take steerage passage : Only come and bring the babies. Bring the red-faced, squalling babies Bring the squealing, squirming babies. Bring the babies and their cradles. Bring the brats and all their playthings. Come and help me make improvements, Come and help me dig my ditches, Come and help me build my cities. Make the brick and mix the mortar, Carry hod and tend the mason. Come and settle in my country, Settle here and pay me taxes, Settle here and you'll be welcome, If you '11 only pay me taxes." FROM BOTH THE PABTXBBa. Liberty, wlio stood beside him, Then would call, but not so loudly. Her acquaintance wan't extensive In the various lands of Europe, 83 1' fboteteps of u' Mt- And in Asia, and "the rest of Mankind." She had ne'er been heard of; But she'd stand, and caU as loudly As her feeble 'voice would let her. " Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye nations ! I have leased this great Eepublic — 84 WHAT SHE SAID THEN, AND The United States, and Jersey, For a term of years, to live in — Live in with my Pluri-bus-tah. I shall live with Pluri-bus-tah Just so long as I've a mind to. If he shall become outrageous. And run after other women, ■ I shall leave this Pluii-bus-tah, For a home in the Pacific, Probably in Nicaragua, With the vahant Captain Walker. But, at present, I'm a fixture, In this infant Yankee nation, And I shall be glad to see you On the shore — ^be glad to greet you- Bid you welcome to the country." Now it would not be becoming For a lady thus to meet them, Meet new-comers on the sea-shore ; And if Liberty, this morning. WHAT SHE WOULD SAY NOW-A-DATS. 85 ShoTild, with truth, repeat the welcome. She would speak somewhat in this way : "I will now appoint my agents, Who shall stand at Castle Garden, Who shall rob you of your money. Take away your baggage from you, Separate you from your children, Send you one way, them another, Send you off on unknown rail-roads. Send them off on nameless steam-boats, Send you all to divers dismal Places you don't want to go to. ge tertftit Baj!aageI)U9>taf| canfavmi^ to s' costwnt of s' pcrioH. VII. |0to t\i |W0 MJr » gwat mang tp«p, anlr \a\a Siafains $o!° a' ^anient $Iuti> ftiu fuHneee oC ifa t'ni't tmiraceti se iiin>f>Qinit S^tift. Of her load he soon relieved her. Laid the samples on the sea-shore. Made her take a seat beside him. 110 A STOEY, AND THB SEQUEL. Made her sit upon a pumpkin While she should relate her story: TeU how she his ferm had managed, Tell him of the new improvements, Tell him truly all about it. And they sat upon the sea-shore. On the pumpMns by the sea-shore. piutbiius'tafi liiitcnctf) to g' rtunntiit of g' pioiiflient Eticitt And she told him all the story. Told him aU she knew about it. Then he yelled aloud with pleasure. Then he loaded aU his shipping, AU his sloops, and scows, and clam-boats, AU his ships, and barks, and schooners, AU his pUot-boats and steamers ; THK HBEO VIBWS THB LANDSCAPE. IH Loaded them with these productions Which industrious Thrift had brought him ; Sent them off to various nations, People who lived far beyond the Kind, accommodating ocean. And they sent to Pluri-bus-tah, In return for his productions, Gold and silver, plenty of it. Just what Pluri-bus-tah wanted. Then he climbed upon a mountain. Took his station on a mountain. With his hands stuck in his pockets. With his legs stretched wide asunder. Thence surveying aU the landscape. Thence he saw his iron rail-roads. Thence he saw his monster steamers, Thence he saw his matchless clippers, Thence he saw his northern corn-fields. Thence he saw his Southern rice-fields, Saw them aU stretched out before him. 112 WHAT HE SAW, AND All the rail-roads, aU the steamers, All the scows, or tugs, or clippers, AU were bringing money, money. Money home to Pluri-bus-tah. piurl»Iiustop, BujpoBeli to 4» a' BtooMan ?§ia!)ts- Bringing it from Northern corn-fields. Bringing it from Southern rice-fields, Bringing it from every country, Every land, and state, and province; HOW HE LIKED THE PROSPECT. 113 All were bringing money, money, Money home to Pluri-bus-tah. ;iSpontiuIicfte, ox ]f Sin. X. Mm S the money poured upon him, In a golden stream upon him, Pluri-bus-tah came to love it, Better, every day, and better. 2iut(.iiu8.tafi icwm- ^s tlie pile kept on increasing, lostti) jt fnH;a lucre oo his love grew stronger with it. muc$. And he loved his shining money, MODERN PIETY. 115 Better, every day, and better: Better, soon, than truth or honor. But he built his costly churches, Chapels, altars, meeting-houses. Through his land, in every hamlet. Through his land, on every hiU-side. And in these he worshiped heaven. Blacked with care his boots each Sunday, Changed his shirt and put his coat on. Shirt and piety together; Keeping bright his Christian armor. In the closet with his broadcloth. With his Sunday boots and broadcloth. And on each lamented Sunday, Would put on both suits together. With his boots, put on his bounty, With his shirt, his zeal and fervor. With his vest, his orthodoxy. With his pants, pull on religion. Tie his creed up in his neckcloth. 116 ECONOMICAL CHEISTIANITT. Thus would go to Christian service, Sleeping through the prayers and sermon. Yet at night he'd take his suit off, Take his broadcloth Sunday suit off; With it take his Christian zeal ofi Eoll them carefully together, Lock them in a drawer together ; Never wearing suit of broadcloth, Never putting on religion, Save before the pious people, For a dozen hours on Sunday. Yet he worshiped truly, fondly. With the most intense devotion. Tireless, weariless devotion. But the idol that he worshiped Did not dwell with priests or pastors, Seldom lived in Christian churches. It was one that he had whittled From a block of shining metal ; Which he ever had about him, IDOL WOHSHIP. 117 In the bottom of his pocket, Bottom of his deepest pocket. And he bowed and knelt before it, Not one day in seven only, But each morning's early sunlight Brought the thoughts of this his idol. And each night's uneasy slumber Brought the dreams of this his idol. And he bowed and knelt before it, Daily, hourly, without ceasing — As attentive to his idol As are Branch and Briggs to Matsell. In the street and in the market. And in sanctimonious Wall-street, On the wharves beside the sea-shore. In the mud beside the sea-shore, Here he knelt, and cringed, and groveled, To the deity he worshiped. Should you ask me, " What this idol ? What this god that Pluri-bus-tah 118 WHAT THE HBBO WORSHIPED. 3' {lonliniitti) anil s' tngtie dibM at police ; s' man ttiat iDonietg j' UiiintetesteD JScissD anU s> Satnacit ]3ranc$. Knelt before, and bowed and prayed to, Prayed to with such zeal and fervor That he cut his pantaloons through — Cut his knees upon the gravel ?" This should be my instant answer : " Money, money, money, money !" Coppers, fips, and dimes, and quarters, All received some veneration, BIS FKAYBBS. lid Some respect and veneration. But the god he wildly worshiped, Traded off his heart and soul for, (As of old did Doctor Faustus, Swapping jackknives with the Devil), Was the king of dimes and quarters, Was the god of Pluri-bus-tah. And the prayers which he, on Sunday, Offered to the King of Heaven, To ' Our Father,' King of Heaven, From his lips fell strange and coldly. But the week-day prayer he uttered, Daily, hourly prayer he uttered. From his- heart came hot and earnest, And the language run this wise : ' Potent, and Almighty DOLLAR !' On the face of this his idol. He had placed the graven image, Image and the superscription, Of his wife, his Free-Love partner, 120 HOW THX IDOI. LOOKED. Liberty, in scarlet-night-cap, As, if livii^ now, she might be Photographed, full length, by Brady, Graced the side of every dollar; So that when he kissed his idol, Liberty felt complimented. Thinking it was her dear picture Pluri-bus-tah loved so fondly. Never maiden more mistaken, Pluri-bus-tah loved the doUar, Potent and "Almighty Dollar," 32' mste iSoIIat. Sfotciieli from tf otiainal in s' possnuiion of ■ tart jimnii man, 6era tare anli ecaccc, ft ieinj a' tot one Jt tiaB. Dirty, filthy, greasy, DOLLAR ! And he would have loved as truly, HOW THB LADY FLATTBBED HEBSBLF. 121 Hugged as closely, kissed as fondly, Had the female image on it Been a dog, or been a jackass. XI. ELL, their honeymoon had ^ lasted Longer than had been ex- \ pected. ;^ Fifty years had passed, and left them Better, firmer friends than ever. piuri.iuB.taSconii«etet9 g^^ ^j^Qjg ^ame a fearfiil quarrel ; Pluri-bus-tah, on one morning. Straying through his southern rice-fields, Through his sugar-cane plantation, PLUEI-BUS-TAH PONDERS. 123 Through the fields of snowy cotton, Through his acres of tobacco, Thought how many dimes they brought Tn'm- But the thought of what they cost him, What he paid for work and labor Was a saddening reflection ; And he turned the matter over, Thought how he could be more saving, Save the sum his broad plantations. Yearly cost for work and labor. ^OTttait of s^ 33Iadtamaoi. As he cast his eye about him, Sable Cuffee met his vision. Cufiee was a powerful darkey. 124 WHO CUFPEE WAS, ASTD Bich in muscle and in sinew, Strong and vigorous and active ; And his skull, like boiler iron, And his hands, like legs of mutton, And his feet, like small portmanteaus. And his hack, so broad and brawny. Made him just the very person To do Pluri-bus-tah's toiling, In his Southern rice plantations. Pluri-bus-tah pondered on it. Pondered long upon the question ; But, at last, he made his mind up. And resolved to conquer Cuffee, Make him work and do his drudging. But he didn't mean to pay him. Pay him for his toiling labor. That would be no speculation, For he loved his darling doUars ; And his thought was how to save them. Keep them in his breeches pocket. PLUEI-BUS-TAH'S COGITATION. 125 He resolved to conquer Cuffee, Make him work for him for nothing, Make him work, or else he'd lick him. Pluri-hus-tah then got ready ; For the battle then made ready ; First took off his coat and jacket, Put his boots on, roUed his sleeves up ; Then he took a horn of whiskyj piuii'buB'taft tanrtj on s' ajitfta to sttmgtSin 61m (n s« ContSat.. iuiS'iati. Then the victor, Pluri-bus-tah, Fastened Cuffee's hands behind him, Tied his huge feet close together. Put him in a top-sail schooner, " Toted" him " way down the river," Put him on his rice plantations, 128 PLUEI-BUS-TAH'S VICTOKT, AND Made him hoe, and dig, and grub there ; Told him if he did n't do it, He'd come every day and thrash him, Every morning after breakfast. Should you ask me " What's the reason ?" I should answer, I should tell you, In the words of Pluri-bus-tah, In the words he spoke to Cuffee, "I am white, and I am stronger, You are black, and you are weaker, And, beside, you have no business, And no right to be a nigger." After this triumphant battle Pluri-bus-tah started homeward, Thrust his hands into his pockets, And went whistling on his journey. But the wonder in his mind was. What would Liberty, his partner. Say about this new achievement ? Truly, he was slightly fearful HIS MISGIVINGS. 129 That she might rebel against it, Make a row and scratch his eyes out. InWcatibt of s« faas in intiic!! ^Ititi.Iiu«.tafl eiptctfli to it tretlbrt in " a« uentlt libtrta. 6* XII, Itatnmffnial ^rdsmmmts—fylt nnmlyfi: fern. ^->f. OEN had given way to night- faU. ■;' It was growing dapk and darker, As he traveled, whistling, homeward, Thinking, ruminating home- nfijFit'itfa iDiti) succMs, ward. Long the journey was and toilsome, THB HERO eOBS UOMB. 131 And 't was midnight, after midnight, Ere he reached his modest mansion ; Which he entered with his night-key, With his surreptitious night-key. Liberty had long been sleeping, Dreaming, snoozing in her bedroom, Dreaming about Nicaragua. Pluri-bus-tah pulled his boots off. Wound his watch, and hung his hat up, Then he sat him down to ponder ; In his mind were some misgivings That his wife would raise a rumpus, And that he had best be ready, Eeady for a curtain lecture. For his spouse, thougii kind and gentle. And most cburteous before folks. Calling him " my love," before folks. When she got him in the bedroom. And the door was closed behind them, She was "some" on curtain-lectures. 182 COGITATION. As he sat there, thinking, pondering, He beheld, within the closet Near, his suit of Sunday broadcloth, AU his Seventh-day religion — Truth, Benevolence, and Mercy, Charity, and Love for Brethren. Then he felt within his pocket, Deep recesses of his pocket. And from thence he drew his idol — Drew a shining, silver Dollar. At the sight his heart grew harder ; At the sight his hand clenched firmer. And Benevolence and Honor, Charity, and aU Eeligion, Faded into air before it. Pluri-bus-tah stiU saw Cuffee Drudging in the swampy rice-fields. But he felt no touch of mercy. Only felt the silver doUar, Only saw his greasy idol. A DBSPBKATB EESOLVE. 183 And he thought upon his bargain, Wherein he got all the winnings ; Cuffee only blows and bruises. Then he thought upon the profit, Thought upon the pile of dollars He should make by this transaction. Then his conscience died within him. Then his heart grew more courageous, Then he marched into his bedroom. Saw his wife asleep and snoring. But he nerved himself to wake her. Meaning there to stand and take it, Stand and take her curtain-lecture. She had gone to bed in anger, Had tied on her blood-red nightcap, Eolled the stars and stripes about her, Wrapped the bed-clothes aU around her. So her husband should not get them ; And she lay asleep and snoring, With her gaping mouth wide open. 134 8UAVITEK IN MODO, Pluri-bus-tah's courage failed him When he saw the blood-red nightcap, But he took another toddy, Then one more, and cleared for action. piuti'luiiita^ not foisting to atoafts s* skEpfns jartnn of s' concnn, trealttS ligfitls. Softly, then the bed approaching, With a hand as kind and gentle As his nerves would then admit of. He began to wake the lady, Wake his wife, with fear and trembling. First he shook her, softly speaking In a low, caressing whisper : " Liberty, my Love : I want you ; Want to tell you something, darling : Wake and speak to Pluri-bus-tah." All his words were unavailing. POETITKR IN BB. 135 For the lady kept on snoring. He began to get impatient, Wlien he found he could n't wake her, And he took to harsher measures. First, he pulled the piUow-case off, Then he snaked the stars and stripes off. Then he jerked the feather-bed off. Then he almost jerked her head off. Trying to jerk her scarlet cap off. But these efforts could not wake her. These mild measures did not wake her. Then he took another toddy, And he made a final trial. Bound he went, behind the bedstead, And, with one tremendous effort, Tipped the whole concern up edgewise ; And the lady, in obedience To the laws of gravitation. Boiled, fuU length, upon the carpet. Like a discontented saw-log. 136 THE FEMALE FLIES TO ARMS, AND Vluti-&u0.ta( lieins unliei s' inSuence at s' ^jititei causct^ s' ^'"Oetal} to tip fn an unaccountable anS iuonSccful manner ; Hilierts ieina mucS sui^tiSE* tjctcat. With a bound, like Gabriel Eayel, When he jumps through some big mountain, Through some interposing mountain. Liberty sprang from the carpet ; Sprang to arms and caught the broomstick, Ran and caught a hickory broomstick, Which she flourished o'er her husband. Vengeance in her eye was flashing As she stood before her husband, With the hickory broom uplifted. And this amiable couple, Standing there within their bedroom. THE AGGRESSOR SUES FOE MEECT. 137 Formed a splendid living picture, Formed a grand tableau nocturnal. !U6ettj! (M' muci) aSuart), feBnett fiet poBition as t' SfronB.mfnlrtB SHIomait. But the lady did not strike him ; For he was so "very humble," And his air so supplicating, She, at once, laid down her weapon. She, the first "strong-minded woman," Yielded to the cry for mercy — Then, approaching Pluri-bus-tah, Threw her dainty arms about him. All his absence then forgiving. Then a thought struck Pluri-bus-tah That he'd make a bowl of toddy And invite his wife to share it, 188 PUNCH, That he'd touch her soul with ttfddy, Mollify her heart with whiskey, Get her feeling nice and joUy ; Then, when they were snug and cozy. In the height of her good nature. He would break his fearful tidings, And would tell the whole true story Of his fight with sable Ouffee. 3piuri.SuB«ta6 aenlsttti) s' BtntU liSerta to s' sfBuctiiit coittottion caOeB is s' anciente, ^unc^. So he made the whiskey-toddy. Made it hot, and sweet, and steaming, Placed the bowl upon the table. And they two sat down to share it. "While with fear and trepidation, (For he feared a shght disturbance AB A PEACBMAKEB. 139 Of his loved domestic quiet,) He the history unfolded, Told her the minutest details; Link by link, he let the chain out, As he saw the toddy working. Till at last he got to "finis." Liberty had coolly listened, Listened with her whole attention. Drank his words in with her whiskey, But no syllable had spoken, Had not breathed above a whisper. Had not drank above a gallon. But when Pluri-bus-tah finished. When he had, at last, concluded, And the toddy-bowl was empty. Liberty, with grace uprising. Placed her lovely arms akimbo. In an attitude so classic, Kesolute, and energetic. As would win the admiration 140 BBEAKBBS AHEAD. Of Miss Stone and Mrs. Blackwell, Mrs. Rose, and Mrs. Davis, And all others of the modem Breeches-claiming school of women ; With her hair done up in papers. And her feet in slouchy slippers, With her sleeves rolled to her elhows. With her httle fists close douhled, Thus she stood, upright, defiant, To give Pluri-hus-tah "Jesse." Jl' gtntle Hflierta (a&Ing patiaftm copfotulg of t' punc$, &ibi|tt$ to puncti $Iut{>iu« toxmia tjiat tfiig $ais no connection loitj s' 331scIl>iaQ linr. XIV. |0to » Mmm |tr spnfe up anli Mt tfet OTntrs. aduaatr, Iietcnm'n< ctt) to IcB&e s^Wi^' to it inaiting {bi a SetBej ffiitj Jfnra 33oat. TEANGE to say, this holy horror, This unbounded, pious horror. Of oppression and wrong-doing. Which the lady had paraded In the cause of colored Ouffee, Was not always quite apparent. When, within the Northern Cities, 148 STEAINING AT A GATE fVhite men were the ones downtrodden, Euled by masters quite as brutal, Quite as grasping and exacting. Wielding lasbes quite as cruel As'tlie ones which Southern drivers Flourished over sable Cuffee. But the lady, when she wanted Matter for her indignation, Did not look at home, or near her, But she turned her distant vision To the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. Thus she overlooked the rascals Who, at home, her name insulted. Did not see the frauds and falsehoods Of the men who wore her colors, Who professed to do her bidding In the Councils of the nation ; Did not see the secret conclave. Headed by designing scoundrels, Working in congenial darkness, AND SWALLOWING A SAW-MILL. 149 To prescribe the rights of white men ; Striving, white men's hands to fetter, White men's tongues to gag and silence, White men's homes to wreck and ruin. fflonftt ttjteanttatiiin of s' Knnfa'WottiMtg's (StanB.ILolJBe, from a ?PSota« giajS ia B' Sttat JStala- White men's hearts to crush forever ; Doing every kindred outrage In the sacred name of Freedom — Did not see within the cities AH the festering corruption Which their rulers knew and nurtured — Theft, and rohbery, and killing, Murder, and assassination. 150 WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES These, and other little trifles Which free white folks there encountered, Needed quite as much correction. Needed it, perhaps, as quicldy As did Cuffee need his freedom. Strange she did not see that white men In her Northern, lauded countries. With their hoasting brag of freedom Had their own peculiar bondage, Their "peculiar institution," Had a universal master ; Had a master who exacted An obedience far more abject Than was ever asked of Cuffee By the great Tobacco Eaisers In the Mah-sun-dic-sun country. Liberty passed by this serfdom, Did not see that all were servants. Slaves to the Almighty Dollar. But the lady's soul and spirit SHOULDN'T THEOW STONES. 151 Were intent on other business, Other things of more importance, And her charity expended Upon evils far more distant ; So, at home, the wrong was growing, Till the far-off wrong was righted. Liberty thus made her mind up, " White folks, you must wait for Ouffee. If you're murdered, 'grin and bear it,' I can only stop these murders And attend to home rehgion. When the heathen lands are godly, Borrioboola Grha converted." In the morning, when the sisters. Peace and Thrift came down to breakfast, They demanded explanation Of the great nocturnal rumpus. Liberty explained the matter. All her husband's faults excusing. But the sisters rose together. 152 A FAMILY FIGHT, Eose and swore they 'd leave the country, Since she quarreled with her husband. Liberty implored, entreated. Begged, with tears and supplications, They would stay and not desert her. Thrift was won by her persuasion, And agreed that she'd stand by her. She 'd stand by her weeping sister. Thus she whispered, to console her : "Where my sister lives will I live, Where her home is there shall mine be: When she dies or leaves the country, I will foUow next express-train." Gentle Peace had got her grit up. Got her " dander" fairly risen. And had packed her trunks and bandbox, Had got ready bag and baggage, Eeady for her homeward journey. Then, with tears, she kissed her sisters. Gave them a promiscuous kissing EXIT IN A EAGE. 153 On their faces, necks, and shoulders, And embraced them with such feeling. With such tenderness and pathos That she tore their hooks and eyes off. Here she got on board the steamer And departed from the country, Looking very sad and sea-sick. SiMvs to s' xavBf)ittee of s' i'E^S'i S'°t< caztet^ up in 9ciounte. This is why these broad dominions, All the lands of Pluri-bus-tah, Never have known peace or quiet Since that fight with curly Cuffee. For while Cuffee kept his promise And attended to his business. 154 CUPFHE TAKES A COMMON-SKNSE Keeping Southward of the landmark, Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun, At the yearly 'lection season, Northern candidates for office, Making speeches full of horror, Showing furious indignation At the slavery of Ouffee ; Then would try to coax him Westward 2' onlj true anS Butjentic rtprraentation of s' (HnlirT.gtount! Baflbjas, from s« original, bj2 one tofjo knobis. By the subterranean railroad. Cuffee's masters this resented And kicked up a muss about it, So there was a constant squabble For the liberty of Cuflfee. He, himself, not interested In the wrangling of the white men, VIEW OP THE QUESTION. 155 Sat him in the chimney-corner, With his hoe-cake and his fiddle, Never thinking, never caring, Who would win the fight, or lose it. Satisfied that aU the white men. Whether Northern, whether Southern, When they had him, would compel him Still to do their menial service. So he sat him down, contented With his hoe-cake and his fiddle. Since for white men he must labor. Caring not where lived his master. Whether North, or whether Southward Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. JB' nnibttunittanlltio&initiilllun Statftimooc enfoattft tlnratlt- XV. IBERTY, like other ladies, gt infant proB> i . . tea ffiunfls-iBft. Loved her lord as ladies ought to;- raftnf). And one summer morning early, With a son her spouse presented: Heir to all his sire's domihions, BOCK THE CRADLE LUCY. 157 All the land from shore to mountain, All the seas, and lakes, and rivers; Heir to all the lazy white folks ; Heir to Cuffee and his "increase," "Ihorease" sahle, yellow, piehald; 5Iuti'ioa«ta6 wcftrti) e« (Italrle, anU Stinettii 2« fabntih JSonn of " Ho it &)f)il' S" S°ung," etc. Heir to every thing his father Heretofore had been the lord of. Pluri-bus-tah now was getting Somewhat feeble and decrepit From old age and much exertion. So he stayed at home contented, Stayed at home to tend the baby. 158 TUNGA-MEEEAKAH Yunga-merrakah they called him, Called this darling, precious offspring, Which, translated, means " some pumpkins;" And he grew and thrived as no one E'er before had seen a "human." When he had been bom a fortnight. He was missed from home one Sunday, As the fire alarm was sounding. Then was fear and consternation ; For they feared the lovely youngster Might, perhaps, have been run over; Might have fallen in the river. Might, perhaps, have "got his neck broke;" Might have "been and gone and done it," In some way they could not think of So they searched in all directions, Francticly, in all directions — All the family and servants, With the whole corps of policemen, Headed by Steve Branch and Matsell, BUNS WITH THE MACHINE. Who walked, arm in arm, together, Talkmg ahout Briggs and Brandon. But 'twas Pluri-bus-tah found him, Found him coming, in his shirt-sleeves. With an engine from the Bowery, From a fire up in the Bowery, 159 3|unB8»iHettaftaii astonislietfi s' ttnctailt aiiB eiicrTcspect(1i gluti'Ijua'tafi. "With his boots outside his breeches, "With a hat, cigar, and trumpet, Looking like an infant "Syksey." "When his father tried to take him In his arms, to bear him homeward, Tunga-merrakah resented His parental interference. 160 HOMEWARD BOUND. And squared off like Thomas Hyer ; Crying to his frightened father, "Q-'way, old fel, or I shall hit yer. If you don't go 'way and leave me, I'll get 'Forty's' hoys to lick yer!" Pluri-hus-tah called on Matsell, Trying to induce the youngster To return and see his mother. And at last they called a carriage, Then they formed a grand procession, With a guard of honor round it ; Thus they took him home, lamenting. S< fnfant Protiss is tonitsttl to 5' patnnal Boot Iib 5' great (Ifiirf iEatatll anU tl' 1S,eettbet H^vfe. From this time the youngster ruled them, Euled the household and the country. Pluri-bus-tah couldn't whip him. PLUEI-BUB-TAH'S LABOB. 161 Neither could his mother. spank him; But the hoy was lord and master — And his parents yielded to him. Pluri-hus-tah, turning sadly From the hoy, too big to manage, Still went piling up the dollars — Piled them up in heaps like mountains. For his hopeful son to scatter. 2« tnaa fn l>>6ictl piutWuS'tail JiUtS up S' filtlis Eurrc. StiU, with old and shriveled fingers. Still, with body bending double, Bent with age and bowed with sorrow, StiU, with face aU deeply wrinkled, Still, with life and spirit ebbing, While each pulse-throb and each heart-beat Op'd bis ready grave still wider, 162 TITITGA-lfBBBAEAH FB06BESSES The old man still kept grasping, gaining, Heaping, piling up tlie dollars, For his hopeful son to scatter. And the boy, thus loved and cherished. Kept on growing fast and faster, Kept on getting "fast" and "faster;" And his doting father kept him In the city of Manhattan, To complete his education. Kept him there to learn his country, AU about its early story, AH about its present greatness, AU its power, and might, and greatness ; Trusting he would come to love it — Love the land of Pluri-bus-tah : And would learn the art of battle, That he might from foes protect it ; Learn the art of navigation, That he might increase its commerce ; Learn the value of his country, IN HIS STUDIES. And develop its resources. Tmiga-Merrakah was willing To commence this undertaking, And at once procured him teachers In the city, to instruct him. Here he studied navigation, Here he practised ball projection. 163 S' ptecociotie aoutfi ^anBO'SHnrskal) toKetti Ecsionis in s' (uiioug dtrnt teStH JSilliticDe tram s' exfnienct'B ^iiifcesor. Here he learned to use the broad-sword. Learned to wield the heavy broad-sword, Learned from seeing others do it ; For he would not tire his muscle, Eun the risk of blows and bruises. On his precious head and shoulders ; 164 THE SANGUINAEY For he knew 'twould grieve his mother, To behold her hoy all gory, Bleeding from a hroad-sword combat. So he went unto the Bowery, To the Theater in the Bowery : There, from robber-chiefs and brigands, There, from corsairs and highwaymen, There, from bandits, rogues, and pirates, There, from bloody-minded sailors, g» btrific combat in a' famnuB trageBa ot a' ^t^'S^tex ^dican, or s" lost Sooti)picI:> as elutctcb is ^avsu'Mtmit!^. There was where our youthful hero Learned the mighty sword to brandish In the cause of tliis his country. When his courage was excited By a long protracted combat, AETS OF WAE, 165 He would want to show his prowess, And would seek for foes to conquer — Seek them in some neighboring "alley" Where the balls were big and plenty, Where the cannon-balls were heavy, Where the men were sound' and solid, And would bear a deal of knocking Without fighting or resisting. Here he'd have the small boy set them In platoons, upon the "alley," Headed by a noble captain. S' nailt (Captain, a' icancS up, se feattncti erijitain. Then he'd take his hostile station, Take his station in his shirt-sleeves. Boldly fronting his opponents 166 THE BATTLE Off Without trembling, fear, or flinching. Lifting then the dire projectile, Soon to scatter death among them, O'er his head, with care, he'd poise it. To the earth, with grace, he'd lower it. Then among their ranks he'd hurl it. Dealing death, and getting "ten-strikes." -^wafi^^ ^r- Then, before their ranks could rally, While their men were in confusion, While his next cigar was lighting, While his " whisky-sMn" was making, He would shout his fearful war-cry. TBN-PUN-ALLAH. 167 Yunga-Merrakali's dire war-cry. Througli the alley, through the bar-room, Through the fumes of gin and whisky, Through the clouds of thick cigar-smoke, Would be heard his rallying war-cry, " Set 'em up, there, on both alleys 1" Thus, like Tennyson's six hundred. He would fight the dreadful combat, Though the foes were ten against him, Ten to one ! an odds most fearful ! He would fight without despairing. Without yielding, without shrinking, "Without winking, without blinking," But, we can't say, without drinking. He would fight till they had yielded. Till his foemen, all, were scattered. And the alley-boy was peeping, And he'd won a glorious battle. O'er his conquered foes exulting. He would drink a glass at parting, 168 THB VICTOBT. Drink this merry toast at parting, " Yunga-merrakah, forever ! Who has won this glorious battle, Won the field of Ten-pun-Allah !" appnranu of s' Stcna tstiotiB to a' tealtjful piKStinu of Stnplia aCtn a' game. XVI. ND he learned the arts of fish-craft : Not to catch the oily porpoise, ^\ Not the rouged and painted dolphin, y With his fancy-dress-baU jacket ; ffiejmMtSiiatft, ijot the seal, so soft and furry, tiraton 6a an Sit. ■' ' tot,notaa«cfot. jj^j^ ^j^g gj^^j,j^^ ^^j^ gj^jjg gQ pleasant, Not to catch the whale, so mighty, As his father did before him — 8 no besighted jbbsey But to set the bristling shad-stakes ; Catch dock-eels and smelts and sunfish, How to snare the nimble porgies, How to trap the graceful flounders, How to lure the crabs and lobsters, Lure the beauteous crabs and lobsters From their homes among the sea-weed. And he studied navigation, Learned the art of navigation : How to run a laay mud-scow, How to steer a tossing clam-boat, Steer it without sky or compass, Steer it without star or needle, Far across the world of waters, To the unknown land of Jersey, The benighted land of Jersey ; Land which Liberty, his mother. Never yet had set her foot in. He would boldly steer his clam-boat To the city of Hoboken, AND ITS WONDROUS CITY. 171 City of the Target-Shooters, City of the Sunday-Dutchmen, City which can't pay its taxes, City which can't pa;y its servants. City which don't pay expenses, City which is now beseeching Jersey City to adopt it — City which has sold its court-house For the charges of the builder, City, which, if pawned for sixpence, Could n't pay for its redemption. Yunga-Merrakah, so fearless, Here would steer his tossing clam-boat. Here would land upon their borders. All the Jerseymen defying ; Jerseymen, who live on strangers, Live, and feed, and fat, on strangers; Jerseymen who, every morning, . When they kneel with their petitions. Alter all the words and language 172 JBBSBY PRATEES. For the latitude of Jersey. "Give us, this day, our daily" stranger, Is the Jersey supplication, Altered and revised by statute. And, where'er the Common Prayer-Book Supplicates for grace and blessings On " the President and Congress," Jersey prayers are written "for the Camden and the Amboy Railroad." jje iUmt'tfiitstj! Saecsman putsuetS u' timOi Ctadrllet tjat wtiuttl) to tite in trattsnoug ]SaiI>rara. Yunga-Merrakah, thus tutored By his kind and careful teachers. By the gentlemanly " short-boys," Soon learned all the modern graces, Learned the secrets of the bar-room. MTSTEEIB8 OP UDOLPHO. 173 Learned where he could find good liquor, In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. This, dear toddy-loving reader, Unsophisticated reader. Older heads than ours would puzzle, Even in these "Aromatic" Days of good " Scheidam" Udolpho. But our Hterary hero. In his course of education, Bead "the Mysteries of Udolpho," '■ iHaBtreira at liIBoIpI)o. Learned the history of Udolpho, Learned to tell the real Udolpho From the spurious Udolpho, 174 HOW TO TELL THE GENUINE ABTICLE. By the cork, and by the label, By the square, high-shouldered bottle, By the smell, and by the tasting. a raw anU most Stautiftitla iounS Folunw of a' ^SBttti're. XVII. U still cmtiv.m& \h ^k^sm. fii! kxt\tx I'N his course of education, I ' I Tunga-Merrakah encountered Murphy, the most fashionable ge unsowa, sut aj. Gamester in the mighty city, of ffiamiura, from In the city of Manhattan. nautt acts. Murphy knew the game of paste- board. 178 MBTEOPOLITAK Games with pretty, painted pasteboard; He knew all the games with ivory — Globes of ivory, cubes of ivory, Pretty, shining cubes of ivory ; In a wooden box he placed them. Shook and jostled them together, Threw them on the board before him, Thus exclaiming and explaining — " Right side up are all the pieces ; Two are threes, and two are sixes ; Eighteen, don't you see, are counted ?" And he knew the game of thimbles — Knew the game of triple thimbles. Thimbles three and " little joker ;" And he thus to him explained it : On his knee he placed the thimbles ; Under one he put the joker ; Then he moved them with his fingers — "One goes this way, one goes that way; One goes over, one goes under; AMUSEMENTS. 177 Now's the time to bet jaar money- Bet it on the little joker ; Where 's the little joker gone to ?" 38' i^Ma anS mttgrtic ffiamilre plajetfi a' dSume cotlfK " gr littlt HoRet," fot s' amuamtent of s' admiring ^lopulact. And he knew the patent-safe game, With its treacherous bit of paper, And its' secret, sliding cover ; But he didn't tell the safe game. Fearing it would spoil his business. Tunga-merrakah was anxious To be taught the games of pasteboard ; 8* 178 THB GAMES OP PASTEBOAED, But the careful, cautious Murphy The aristocratic Murphy, The genteel, black-bearded Murphy, Would not play outside his mansion. Fearing folks would say he cheated, And would set policemen on him And would have them both arrested Have them borne before the judges. Not that Murphy feared policemen. Not that Murphy feared the judges ; Murphy had a potent weapon Which could sweep them all before him ; But he did not want the people. Want the idle, chattering people, To inquire his avocation. Ask him how he got his living ; So he took our youthful hero. Led him to his Broadway mansion. There to show him all the mysteries, Teach him all the games of pasteboard. WHY THE STAES DONT STOP IT. 179 Yunga-Merrakah then asked him, " If your games are so unlawful, Why do not the 'star' poUcemen — The policemen who are models, Who have won the Mayor's medals, Won the German-silver medals, Which the Mayor didn't pay for, But charged over to the city — Why do not these said policemen Come in here and stop your gaming? Murphy winked his ghstening optic. On his nose he placed his finger, While he slowly, slyly whispered, "Though. the Mayor's star policemen Know my house, and know my calling. They sometimes themselves will enter, Here to play the games of pasteboard. And these model star policemen All are very lucky fellows ; For they always win my money ; TcBO NOTHING VENTUEE And their good luck always blinds them To my house, and to my gaming, Till their winnings are exhausted ; Then, again, they're sure to enter. Here to play the games of pasteboard." JS' BhiBrtianB of j' CTitS pl^S »' S' fafiotite (Siratf. Satisfied with this explaining, Tunga-Merrakah was willing. Then, to learn the game of " Faro" Of disinterested Murphy. At the table they were seated, With their piles of heaped-up money On the green cloth on the table. Murphy held the painted pasteboards ; One by one he slowly dealt them, NOTHING HAVE. 181 From a box of shining metal — Dealt, and laid them on the table — In two separate piles he laid them, Side by side upon the table. On the ace or on the ten-spot, On the king, or knave, or eight-spot. On the queen, or on the four-spot, Yunga-Merrakah was betting; Betting all his pocket-money — Money, with his mother's likeness Stamped upon each dime and quarter. But he cared not for his mother; Only cared to learn of Murphy How to play the game of faro. All night long the luckless youngster Played with Murphy, cunning Murphy; Played till midnight, played till morning, Played until the lucky Murphy Of his treasures had despoiled him. He lost all his pocket-money. 182 HK LOSES ALL HE OWNS. Every dollar, every penny; Then he took his diamond pin off, Then he took his diamond ring off, And he took his golden studs out, Took his watch, and took his chain off, Bet them all upon the ten-spot, Lost them all to cunning Murphy, Then he took his broadcloth coat off, Then he took his satin vest off, Then he took his silk cravat off, Took his patent-leather hoots off; Grlaring wildly upon Murphy, ^J '"^^ Sunsa'iSterrattati. aner ;;< S!icitcmcnt of s' ffibtnfns, talut!) Bit siting. WHAT HE DOES ABOUT' IT. 183 Flung them wildly on tlie table, Bet them wildly on the ten-spot — Lost ! and, wildly, promenaded, Coatless, bootless, breathless, brainless. Through the snow back to his mother. XVIII. VERY day the evening found him ^^7:- In the cunning Mur- lpiuti.Buis.taft, at ttneraWe, fticftfti s« phj's mansion, JSutftet. g' BfatOT is reminlirtl tfiat _ , . , Ijt last tDotliB (ntrt, "I Sit a trut xJettmg Stlll nlS pOCKBt- Bmctican." money, Betting now his father's money, Betting now his mother's money, Betting any body's money, MOBE LOSSES. 185 Losing every body's money, All tliat he could beg or borrow. From his father's till he took it, From his mother's pocket filched it; And he lost it aU to Mniphy, Lost it ia the game of faro. Then his &iends, the gamblers, taught him, When his money was expended. How, again, he might procure it ; Taught him how to make post-obits, As his father now was feeble. And was like to perish quickly; How to draw up various papers, On which Jews would lend him money; Notes, and drafts, and obligations. To be paid with interest tenfold, "When his father should be buried. And he should his wealth inherit. Then he forged his father's writing, 186 HOW HE OOT THE MONEY. Forged his name to bills of credit ; Thus obtained supplies of money, For his faro-teacher Murphy, Yunga-Merraljah, whenever Now he met his aged father, Glared with envious eyes upon him ; Calculating how much -longer His old life would last to vex him — Keep bim from his great possessions Then his fingers clutched together, And he wished that it was lawful For a son to choke his father, When he should grow old and helpless — Knock his head off, knock his brains out. Kill him, plant him deep in Greenwood — Any way to get his money. So he tried to coax his father To a primary election In the Sixth Ward ; but the old man " Knew the ropes," and would n't go there • CONSPIBACT. 187 g« Sloolite Siitti'MIartets amuze tJemBeliira 6it8 a' fefiotlte Cnectinn jHuee. Sftetri^ txlten in gitat ^uns fig s^ ^ituit. Tried to send Tn'm on a journey- Over the New Haven Eailroad ; But he could n't fool his father, Couldn't fool old Pluri-hus-tah. But at last the old man yielded, And agreed to take a journey — Gro to Washington, the city Where the Congress was assemhled ; Where the concentrated wisdom Of the country was assemhled. Lighting for the country's profit. (?) There his spouse had gone hefore him; Liberty had gone before him. And was fighting there a battle— 188 PLUBI-BUS-TAH'S DEATH. Tooth and nail, was fighting, scratching, For some property she claimed there ; For the little territories Known as Kansas and Nebraska. And the old man's fond affection Led him there to wait beside her- Wait beside her until Congress Should elect their needed Speaker, And his wife have done her quarrel. There the old man watched and waited, Wearily he watched and waited, For them to elect a Speaker; Months passed on, and Pluri-bus-tah Died of age before they did it. S« ^ublitlt o« rmintKli of s' JTact tjat j' urtit ^piutf-buB-tad fa Brfonct XIX. UNGA-MEKRAKAH, the hop&- fill, Gave, by telegraph, directions That his defunct father's cor- 3ge tratiful ^vmsn'&miikt^ txjftnttW} !iis 3Sui)ect for pus S:«r„'.?se™'' Should be sent express by railroad. Therefore Adams, the express-man, Put the body in a coffin. 190 THB 60N DISCONSOLATE. Marked it "this side up," and sent it. And our hero, in the mean time, Tied some crape upon his elbow, Put a bottle in his pocket, Started for the railroad d^pot, Waiting for the old man's coming. But, before the train's arrival, He retired into a closet - With a money-lending lawyer, 3g< tittinUet Son ecritetfi Koneolattan inftti s' i^an at fUta, bi$o cipIaiiutS 9' lamcnteli ^luri-bua-tafi'a lain. To compute the sum exactly The old man had left behind him. Money, lands, and stocks and railroads Houses, stores, and public buildings ; ENTEIS BSOWNH. 191 All were counted, checked, and valued. And the lawyer told the total To the son so sad and sorrowing. From the sum they then deducted All the funeral expenses ; So that when the train arrived there. They had ciphered out the balance. Knew what was the old man's fortune — Consequently, just how many Tears to shed and hacks to order. Yunga-Merrakah, the mourner. Took the old man's lifeless corpus To the great paternal mansion, Thence he sent for Browne the sexton — Pompous Browne, of Graceless Chapel — Browne, who manages the weddings — Browne, who makes the funerals joUy — Browne, who operates the parties — Browne, whose shrill and well-known whistle Opes the door and scares the hackmen — 192 THE DISCOKSOLATS SON. Browne, whose word is law and gospel In all fashionable circles — Browne was summoned, Browne was sent for. Yunga-Merrakah the mourner, » In his room so sad and lonely. With a friend to cheer his sorrow. In his room, when Browne had entered, Gave his orders for the ftmeral. Yunga-Merrakah the mourner. With his friend to cheer his sorrow, Had, by way of killing sadness. Been engaged in playing euchre. On the table stood the bottle. On the table sat the glasses. On the table lay the counters ; Near a chair was Browne the sexton, With his "list" between his fingers, Waiting to note down the programme. Yunga-Merrakah the mourner Did not stop his playing euchre, GIVES DIEKCTIONS FOE THE BUEIAL, 193 But he gave the sad directions For the funeral of his father In the intervals of smoMng, In,the intervals of drinking. g« mournfifl IBtofnne ftfecobnrft b' stttitttB Son tmiti) afttcWB. In the intervals of playing, While the restless cards were shuffling. Thus they played the game of euchre, Thus Browne got his full directions For old Pluri-hus-tah's funeral; And assuring "on his honor," That they should be all perfected In the very latest fashion. Made his how, and then departed. 9 194 HIC JACET. So the next day Pluri-bus-tah In the Greenwood vault was buried In, the latest style of fashion. Cornet Btprraentation of g' SConili of it flnuetiloua piuii-Iius'tnl). XX. §, Pamagt, ani to^at tame al it. LUEI-BUS-TAH now was buried, i And the energy and spirit, All the honesty and honor. With what love of truth and just- ge fnonlinug little sob aUit Cupfli, ice ait* a' SSins tin' itaaticotstaon- Formerly had ruled the councils Wtfon supposeti to tr»atrimo„E. q^ ^^^ ^^^^^ Yengah nation, Seemed to all have perished with him ; 196 WHAT THE SON GOT, AND Seemed to all be buried deeply In the grave of Pluri-bus-tab. Yunga-Merrakah tbe mourner, Heir to all tbe great possessions Whicli bis fatber left bebind bim,. Laid his band on piles of dollars, Laid bis band on land and warebouse, On tbe far-extended grain-fields, On tbe grand, primeval forest. On the blooming, boundless prairie; Laid his band on woolly Cuffee, Who bad lost his former spirit Of resistance and rebellion ; And his band had lost its power, Power to break tbe hold so puny Yunga-Merrakah laid upon bim — Laid his hand on Northern white men- Lazy, shiftless Northern white men — Who were poorer far, and meaner Than black Cuffee ever bad been. WHAT THB WIDOW DIDN'T GET, 197 All of these his father left him ; For his mother, by her marriage — Which was but a Free-Love marriage, A mere temporary marriage, Without church, or priest, or parson — Could not claim a right of dower. Had no money, lands, or mansion, Had no place to live — because she Grot no "thirds" she had no quarters. Though the heir had money left him, With his father's broad dominions ; S« irqumSina 'Saria'i'Mmsfttii iraiumtfi jt melancSoIs fn s« potntt cancoction callcli ^fiencfigtililn. Tet he lacked his father's vigor, Lacked his energy of purpose. Lacked his unrelenting will-power. 198 THE DISCONSOLATE YOUTH. WMcli had made the earth and ocean To his purposes obedient. These his sire had taken with him, To the jolly land of spirits, To the land of the Hereafter. But he had his father's vices, Had his avarice and grasping, Had his self-conceit and'foUy, Had his love of dimes and dollars Still he had not e'en these vices, In their strong and earnest vigor; All were weakened and diluted. Fit for his degeneration. Fitted to his puny standard. Then, besides hereditary Vices given by his father. He had other ones ingenious. Others of his own invention. Yunga-Merrakah, the mourner. Passed a sad and solemn fortnight, MOtTKNS THE DEAE DEPARTED. 199 Shut out from the world of fashion ; Passed it with his boon companions, Weeping for the dear departed, Sighing for the dead old "buffer." gunsa-WertaRa!] an* s' ctmlioKniifrijnlia arc muri) iepnesED in upi'tfts, oiniitB to jf total tiI;au8tion of j' tSJSifefta- Then he rose, one sunny morning, Took the crape from off his elbow ; Then took off his "suit of sables," And resolved to cease » his mourning For his much-lamented father. For, he said, his broad dominions Needed now his sole attention. And he spake to his companions In this language, pure and classic. 200 HE GIVES UP MOURNING "No more sadness, no more sighing, No more woe, and no more weeping. No more tears, no more seclusion. To Delmonico's let's hasten ; There we'll have a high old blow out. 2* swat Utlmomco'is. (ge skttcd iiiaa malre Satile gtttinj clianBr for s' last 100 liollat Sin fit 5' poegtission of j' artist.) I'U make pompous Browne, the sexton, Stand the treat from his expenses, Dock it from his funeral charges. He should, really, have some feeling, Pity for the sole survivor, And not charge so much for funerals." AND FOBGETS BIS FATHSB. 201 This is when he put off mourning, And forgot his sturdy father, And forgot old Pluri-bus-taL XXI. HEIFT, who, heretofore, had quarreled ffifjtfR (je tauitrt) «. ^itij j^gj. gjgtgj,,g hopeful off- rattBctfl mattetB ot im< t portanc?, anti tijcn 8ioprt6. spring, Who had seldom smiled upon him In his youthful undertakings ; Now, when the precocious youngster Took possession of the country, MARKIAGE. 203 And became its only master, Straight resolved that she would leave it, And go back to where she came from. Yunga-Merrakah had married — Taking pity and compassion On those God-forsaken spinsters, Or (what they regret more deeply), On those maw-forsaken spinsters, Those who die in "the pursuit of Breeches under difficulties" — Married a "strong-minded woman:"* Thus had done his country service. She was one of those who scribble For the magazines and weeklies. Over names alliterative — * It is expected that, by yirtue of a speoial act to encourage tlio individual abatement of national nuisances, Congress will grant a large pension to each of those two or three heroic but unfortunate men who have recently had the hardihood and patriotism to marry those Woman's-Bighta females who, having eagerly embraced the first offer of marriage, have recently disappeared from public life. 204 WHO THE BEIDB WAS. " Bessie Basswood," " Sallie Simple, "Peggy Pensive," "Nancy Ninkum" She was one of those who travel "Lecturing" throughout the country, g« popular ilira at jt sttonjcininUelJ JTraialt. Jge eetuctite Sloontn. Serving up a weat dilution Of the thoughts some man has taught them- Waldo Emerson and water ; Andrews' broth or Owen gruel ; Nichols' nastiness refined, that Decent folks may sit and hear it. She was one who "spoke in public" THE STEP-MOTHER OBJECTS. 205 At the Woman's Eight's Conventions; One who wore the Bloomer costume, Half-way petticoats, half-breeches. This the masculine co-partner, This the woman just imported From the distant He-bride Islands, Whom our youthful hero married, And brought home to rule his mansion. Liberty her son entreated, "Bring not here an idle maiden. Bring not here this" useless woman. Hands unskillful, feet unwilling. Bring one that can tend the babies, Dam your socks and sew your buttons; Bring not here this feeble talker. Bring not here this senseless speaker; Put her in the place provided: In the Museum at Barnum's, Or in the Insane Asylum — The untamable department." 206 HOSTILITIES DECLARED Yunga-Merrakah responded, "Hold your ceaseless jaw, old woman! I will marry this young lady; She'll be 'boss,' too, of my dwelling; WS,J)nt s' Woomer ougi^t to bt. You stall yield obedience to her: If you won't, clear out and leave us." So he brought her to his mansion. Brought her home to rule his mother Kow began a deadly quarrel : Thrift declared a war remorseless With this female interloper. Then began the greatest battle That the sun had ever looked on. AND A SKIEMISH. 207 That the war-birds ever witnessed. From the morn till night it lasted; Fourteen hours these furious females Fought, with fists, and feet, and fingers, Clawing, pulling, biting, scratching. Yunga-Merrakah sat near them. Sat upon the center-table, With cigars and whisky near him, Watching the tremendous conflict. E« «6ttRi>tn s^o&irtl) itself po!nrrfuI rmci. ^N the land of Uncle Thomas, In the land of Pierce the mighty, In the city of Manhattan, In the reign of great Fernando, In the time of Branch and Matsell, In the time of Poole and Baker, In the time of righteous Bamum, In the time of honest Schuyler, NEWS FROM THE SPIKIT LAND. 211 In the time of pious Wyckoff, Pious, persevering Wyckoff, Yunga-Merrakah resided In the city of Manhattan, In a lofty brown stone mansion. But the avenue and number I can't tell you — I've forgotten. In those times, of which I've written, Spirits from the other countries, From the land of the Hereafter, From the land where Hiawatha And his partner, Minne-ha-ha, Now are rearing phantom babies : (For that lady had a goblin In her arms, a nursing goblin, And twin specters in her cradle. Infant ghosts, with shadowy aprons. Misty bibs, and airy tuckers, At the very last advices By those quadrupedal "mediums," 212 WHAT THE 8PIEITS DO Whom we know as " Koons" and " Foxes,") As, before, I mentioned to you, Spirits from the other countries, From the land of the Hereafter, Often came to earth to visit. Came upon a spirit rail train, ge fsontierCul Spirit Erain tfiat ttnMtti) on s' ^^ anions Bailioah. Svf' poscS to it s' Seaft'dealK on a jltasun enutsion. Often got a fortnight's furlough, Often came on leave of absence, Not as ugly apparitions. Not as goblins, ghosts, or specters. Not in sheet, or shroud, or coffin ; But they came, unseen of mortals, Kicking up a mighty rumpus, Knocking on the chairs and tables. ON LBAVB 01" ABSENCE. 213 Kicking over bales and boxes, Cutting up unbeard-of antics, Like a gbostly set of rowdies, Kapping on the chairs and tables, Prophecies of good and evil, Most profound mysterious nonsense ! Shakspeare, Washington, and Franklin, With a hundred other worthies, Poets, authors, statesmen, sagfes, Came from spheres so bright and blissful, From the land of the Hereafter, Came to sMn their ghostly knuckles. Knocking upon floors and tables, At the call of earthly boobies. So old Pluri-bus-tah's spirit, Wishing to be in the fashion, Came to see the brown stone mansion, Tunga-Merrakah's great mansion, Came a-knocldng on the sideboard, Seeking, probably, for brandy. 214 TUNGA-MBEEAKAH EBCEIVBS But his offspring heard the racket Of the old man's bony knuckles. Feeling for the wished-for bottle, And suspected that it might be Something of his father's spirit. First he took the big decanter In his hands, and held it tightly, For he knew if 'twas his father. That the brandy soon would vanish. Then he spake, in trembling language Asking, " Is a spirit present ?" Qt teetlrae ipltitot s' tufunct V(uii>iiiui-tai ineiitctti on Ijabing ano^ fuU at tf npirit b{ A;i[ius'tit$, bbsustcli, UaictS fit a Ctianlin'Siist. XXIII. M'anX Mint \u ^ai\a Jiir, anlJ Ja\m i\i totnt ta: UNGA-MEEKAKAH, the mourner, Was no more, but lord and master gungs • iHortaSafl eiaminttfutflian. Of the glorious Yengah nation. ttu for s' JutfoSe otannaation. rjij^g^ ^^ f^^ j^jg f^^ importance, And assumed the airs of empire ; Then, that he the eyes might dazzle Of all modern kings and princes, 220 THE INVENTION OF He assumed a dress of splendor Fit for him to rule and reign in. He assumed the Shanghai costume — Costume of his own invention — Partly his, and partly borrowed From the Hippodrome performers ; Not from Siegrist nor Franconi, But 'twas borrowed from the monkeys, From the libeled, slandered monkeys, From the skilled equestrian monkeys, From the ones who ride the ponies. g« trut nil* authentic ffirisin ot a' fiannent tsUia SianjJaJ. Inaccessible his hat was, Like a tall, six-story stove-pipe; And beneath it towered his collar, Towered his lofty standing collar, THE SHANGHAI ABSUKDITY. 221 (Like a liuman adaptation Of that ornament the pig-yoke,) Which should keep his head from turning, And from bowing, and from moving. And his coat, it reached ,his ankles, Meeting there his patent leathers. And his legs, like slimsy broomsticks, Like attenuated broomsticks, Were surrounded by his tailor With a covering so fantastic, And which clung to him so tightly, That his servant, every evening. Had to skin him like a catfish. g« attentide Setbaitt pcclitfj s' feiitmallc gunfla'OTtrtaitat. Thus was made his splendid costume. Which should give the world assurance 222 PROGRESSION. That its wearer was "some pumpkins," That he "bossed" a splendid "ked'n'try." Tunga-Merrakah determined' To put off his Bowery notions, To stop running with the engine. To have done with "Mose" and "Syksey," And to cut the whole red-shirt-dom. So this vegetable human. Which had sprouted in the Bowery, Which was nurtured in the Bowery, Which had grown up in the Bowery, Now was suddenly transplanted To the latitude of Broadway; And this budding Bowery Syksey Blossomed to a Broadway Shanghai Yunga-Merrakah, ambitious To excel his father's actions. And to rival his inventions. Started many enterprises, And invented curious engines. THE ORI6INAI. CRYSTAL PALACE. 223 But the enterprises "broke" him, And his patents wouldn't answer. This because Miss Thrift had left him, Left him to his own destruction. One day Mister Johnny Taurus, Now grown old, and stout, and burly, With the wish to please his children, Please his pretty, rosy children, > Gave his gardener, Mr. Paxton, His commands to build a play-house. The ingenious Mr. Paxton, With a zeal that does him credit, Straightway went to work and did it. AU of glass and iron he made it : Iron, to give it strength and firmness, Glass, to woo the glorious sun-light ; Then with birds and flowers he filled it. Filled it full with sweetest music. Filled it full with rarest beauty, Filled it full with gems of painting, 224 TUNGA-MERRAKA.H PIBATES THE IDEA. Filled it full with gems of sculpture ; All things, beautiful and useful, Found a home within this play-house Built for Johnny Taurus' children. Honor be to Thomas Paxton ! He it was who built this temple, Built the glorious Crystal Palace, Built this home of peace and sunlight, Where the world's contending nations Met, and gave the hand of friendship. Yunga-Merrakah had witnessed. From his home across the water, How the enterprise succeeded ; And he stole the thought of Paxton, Stole the crystal thought of Paxton, Brought it to his wooden country. And resolved to build a play-house Like the one of Johnny Taurus. So he swindled all the nations, Swindled all the world together. SWINDLES THB ARTISTS. 225 Herein he excelled his father, Who had never cheated largely, " Swapping truck" with other countries ; Who had only sold them watches Made of lead, instead of silver, Sold them white-wood hams and shoulders, Sold them loads of wooden nutmegs, But had never tried to cheat them On the Crystal Palace system. But he lacked his sire's invention. Lacked the spirit of invention ; So he missed Ms calculations : Made his irons all too little. Made his timbers aU too crooked. Made his glass all cracked and knotty; Then he suddenly discovered That he had run out of " putty," So his playhouse was a failure. But before they knew the failure. Artists, great, of other nations, 10* 226 SELLS THEIR PICTUEES AT AUCTION. Sent their pictures and their statues, Sent their choicest masterpieces, To exhibit in his play-house. Yunga-Merrakah, the tricky, When he found 't would be a failure. Stole the strangers' goods and chattels, Stole them all to pay expenses. |« toorfta Ota' joot Joteian artists in s' ffirsstal ^alact are salB for a« ficneKt of gun(!a>^raraft!iti. Then he tried to galvanize it Into life with Pierce and Barnum : Even these gigantic humbugs Could n't save the Crystal Palace. By its side he built a temple, Overlooking all the country. Built a temple out of shingles, AWOTHEE FAIIiUEE. Higher, far, than Hainan's gallows. Highest tower in all creation. i21 ITfcfi) of s' batting ffiienbatotj!, atea pixt it S' Crsstal ^abce, taken from a t)isfl point on Conirs Sslanti, Tunga-Merrakah intended, From its top, to view the motions Of the various heavenly bodies. And control them to his notion ; 228 THE PACIFIC RAILKOAI) AND But he found it would not answer, So, one day, he kicked it over. Then he laid his plans for building, To the sea, a mighty railway, Through the chains of lofty mountains, Far across the tiresome prairies. Over wide and rushing rivers, Letting nothing stay or stop him. Till he run his locomotive From the strand of the Atlantic To the shore of the Pacific. This, too, failed, for he had listened To so many differing voices, That his brain, so weak and watery, Soon was utterly bewildered. And because he couldn't run it, Eun his great Pacific railroad, Through each city, town, and village Of each man of his advisers, Run it through each infant village WHY IT FAILED. 229 Which could boast a jail and court-house^ Run it through the squire's back garden, Eun it through the lawyer's pasture, Eun it through the doctor's meadow, Eun it through the parson's pig-pen, |« Mev "f I' I!«at ?PaciHc JSailtoali, ptopneeb to tun ang anU titxniolim, to pitase s' ArtocIsiiortrnB. g' SSrtci) (a from ^ ori'sinal itauBiit mala in E« aanli Sj s' i'"'" ©nffinen initS a (ualftina'Sticit, asststeti bjj a ;mall 9og ecratci)fna Ebr Bate. Eun it through the summer fallow Of each grim and gray-haired granny Who might choose to pay a dollar Toward this national convenience, He gave up his mountain railway ; 230 THH WASHINGTON MONUMENT And the great Pacific railway Died of squabbling, grasping grannies. In a fit of patriotism, He resolved to biuld a tombstone — Build at Washington a tombstone To the memory of the person Whom he called his "country's father;" And he made a hideous drawing, Hideous in whole and detail. Showing ho'vf' the promised building Was to look, if e'er completed. Then he sent his cunning agents, Who were smooth of tongue and oily, Who persuaded simple people That the building would be glorious, That the plan was Art's perfection. Simple-minded, honest people. Whose ideas of architecture Were derived from barns and haystacks. Thought the monument was lovely, AND WHY IT FAILED. 231 Tried by. these, the only models, And they paid their dimes and dollars To the oily, smooth-tongued agents. Then the agents begged the marble. Suppascb to Sabe iten gt g' JWasfiinBton iKonu- orijind Bug£C8titm for ment at tax ae motJtlof gt JUSasfiinB' it i)ta got. tort ifKoniimeitt. Begged the painted blocks of marble, Begged the bricks, and begged the mortar ; But where aU the money went to. No one knows except the agents. Thus the land escaped the nuisance. 232 THE ROANOKE AND ERICSSON Thus avoided the infliction, And the tower was not erected, Save, perhaps, a half a story. Yunga-Merrakah the weakling, Over again had "tried and couldn't." Then he built a splendid steamer, Built her on his father's niodel. Bunt her very well and finely; But his father wasn't present, To assist him at the launching. So he broke her back in launching. Smashed his steamboat all to pieces. B« WtrtuI ffalamita tjat IcfcII s' 0^"' Sttamljart. Then he built another steamer. Made to run without hot water. Only hard coal and caloric ; ATfD WHY THEY DIDN'T GO. 233 But she ran so very slowly — ' Fourteen miles in fifteen hours — That, one day, he rashly sunk her, Sunk her on the Jersey marshes. ' Fieto of E' (EricsBon on Set stanB mttnsfai trial Wj. Then conceived a scheme gigantic, That he 'd dive beneath the ocean, Lay a massive iron caMe Down among the shells and seaweed. And would telegraph across it. Telegraph across the ocean. So he made his iron cable, Made his massive, twisted cable, And invited the reporters To be present on the schooner, There to see the ceremony — 234 THB SUBMAEINE TELEGEAPH. See him, like the Doge of Venice, Wed the sea with metal circlet — But the cable broke to shivers. And the ocean stole the pieces. Then the captain of the schooner, With his crew and the reporters, All got drunk, and went home glorious^ ^feetcd, feinWa furnisjEtr ij a jaat Spirit JBrtium nut on s' Wl&ainsl), at s' I°st STcIecrraiiliic ffiailc. Ficb sujposrD to lie aiout ten feet from t^e enti tfat irofie loose. Thus the curse that was upon him, Every day grew more apparent ; And his quick degeneration Was perceived in every action, For the spirit of invention Had departed with his father. All his " water-gas" was gammon ; FOREIGN AIES, 255 All his fire annihilators Would n't put a kitchen fire out. And his theaters were failures, Till he let a woman boss them — Let his Woman's Rights companion Boss the house and take the money — Boss them and cut off the dead-heads, When she made it pay expenses. Then our hero, not contented With his home-made airs and graces, Soon began to put on foreign Airs, and smirks, and affectation ; Tried to speak in choice Italian, Or converse in French, the booby. But the superficial knowledge. Which the brainless brat had mustered. Made him speak a mongrel Kngo, Bastard French and worse Italian, So contemptible a jargon. That if he had been at Babel, 236 A BEEACH or PBOMISK, And had uttered such a cackling, The involuntary linguists Mustered at that mixed assemblage, Would have hissed out the intruder, Would have kicked him out instanter. Then he broke his fether's bargain. Which had been for years regarded. Broke the promise about Cuffee, Did not keep him in the rice-fields. In the sugar-cane plantations, To the Southward of the landmark, Of the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun. But he led him up, and Northward, Northward of the flowing river. To the prairie-fields of Kanzas. This was Liberty's dominion, This the land she loved and cherished. This the land she set her heart on. This the land that she had conquered In that tedious fight in Congress, AND A MUSS. 237 As a gift from the departed, The lamented Pluri-bus-tah. When she saw the sable Cuffee Trespass upon her possessions, Cross the line of the division, Cross the line of Mah-sun-dic-suft, She grew raving mad, and furious. Took the first train home from Congress, Bound to find her only ofispring, Tunga-Merrakah, and give him Particular Jesse, if he -wouldn't promise to he decent, and behave himself hereafter.* Liberty, in time, reached Gotham, Without accident or hindrance. Tired, weary, hot, and dusty. And with anger boiling ov^r. Search she made to find her offspring^ But the gentleman was missing, Missing from his brown stone mansion^ * This line is not a Trochaic 288 PUESUIT OF SHANGHAI " Where can the young rip be gone to ?" She, herself interrogated. " Gone to Burton's or the Bowery ? Gone to Wallack's or to Niblo's ? Gone to see the Model Artists ? Gone to see the Common Council ?* Gone to visit the Free Lovers ? Gone to meet with the Live Oak Club ?" But she asked at all these places, And, alas! she couldn't find him , Then she went to the apartment Of that strange and secret Order, Of that mystic band of brothers. Whose proceedings are so secret. So profound and so mysterious ; And the brothers are so faithful, That in spite of guard and watchmen, * Common Sooundrels has been BUggeated as being a more appropriate term. See Hist. City of New Tort, •which don't say any thing to the contrary. DNDBR DIFFICULTIES. 239 Spite of oaths and secret pass-words, Fashioned to exclude Reporters, Their proceedings, so mysterious, And so mystical, are always Published in next morning's Tribune. Here went Liberty to seek him, To this room, so dark and silent. To the room of the Dark Lanterns. But the watchman at the portal. Took her for a Monk or Prior, Took her for a Priest or Bishop, Took her for an Emissary Of the Church of Rome, the hated. For his sight was bleared and blinded By the arts of the Dark Lanterns, And he only saw a Bishop, Sa;w a foreign, Romish Bishop, Though 't was Liberty in person ! Then he slammed the door upon her. And the lady, straight, departed. 240 LIBERTY STILL SEARCHES, Thus it was that the Dark Lanterns Did not know the God they worshiped, ' btgilant itiavftciptr of jc Sarit Hantern HotiBe iiraH) i' toot asafiut E^ great HtbertQ. Do not know the God they worship, But deny her face, as Peter Once denied his Lord and Master. What it is they really worship, May be you can tell, for I can't. Liberty, thus unsuccessful, Asked a watchman for directions. Where to find her absent youngster. Thus she found where he had gone to,' Gone to hear the great French actress, Gone to hear Rachel, the actress, Jabber French for Yankee dollars. A.KS AT LAST FINDS HSB SOIT. 841 Liberty went in, a dead-head, In the boxes found her offspring. With his hair all oiled and greasy, Just as it had come from Phalon's, With an opera-glass before him, With a play-book in his fingers, Trying to follow the great actress. \fntttU at i' Qteat Stattcl. {torn a' orfgfnd sketc!) tTsnelattb tzam jf lut Sxtn^ eliition : taften at tte moment s^c is ewffoiti to eas, "PoUsSoua {ancj." "Making believe" he understood her, And his vixen wife sat by him. 11 242 HB CUTS HEB DBAD. When the young man saw his mother In her soiled and dusty garments, Without hoops, or sDks, or laces, Without opera-cloak or diajnonds, Lacking all the elegances Of a fashionable wardrobe. Thinking to himself, he muttered, " Snobistocracy will wonder, Mrs. Grundy turn her nose up, ' If I recognize that woman ; And the best thing I can think of, Is to cut her dead as blazes." So he fixed his glass upon her. Stared with both eyes fuU upon her Then refused to recognize her, Looked as if he did n't know her, Turned his gaze upon the actress, On the chattering Gallic actress, And pretended to be listening. HEB CONSBQUBNT WKATH. 243 ffiunsa'iWntaltati ttansBietfi s' maternal patient. Liberty "saw through the mill-stone," And marked out her course of action ; So she marched outside the. "show-shop," Took her station on the curbstone. Then began, and spake as follows : "Good-by, Tengah land, I leave you; You have swindled and betrayed me ; Yimga-Merrakah, I leave you — You have humbled and abused me ; I disown you, I deny you : You 're no child of mine, by thunder !" Then she caught the Yengah eagle 244 HBB FIKAL KZIT. By the neck, and wrung his head off, Wrapped the stars and stripes about her, Took the ferry-boat for Jersey, Leaving Yengah land forever. ILOntg Sttivititttfi jf ffiog^ XXIV. HTJS the lady left the conntiy, Left her weak, degenerate off- spring. From this time our puny hero "^T™? ."r*! Faster sped unto his ruin: out of jt KttU »n6 ot J' '^ • , Smaller grew each day, and meaner ; Botn. 246 HIS DOWNHILL JOUENET. And the sun, eacli night descending. Found him less than in the morning; And the sun, each mom arising, Found him smaller than at evening. One by one, he lost the virtues. Lost the few and scanty virtues — ]gun2a>jnenaftEiS tmitatet^, in trtesii anU mannns, g' once gteat tamila caJItli a' ffiamilns. Virtues of whose solid substance. He had once possessed the shadow ; Lost that glimmering of manhood, Iiost that semblance faint of honor, SYMPTOMS OP TKOUBLB. 247 -Lost those signs of earnest vigor Of which he, in youth, had boasted. But his trickery and cunning, All his greed, and wUe, and shrewdness, All his love of mean intriguing, Still remained as strong as ever ; And he only lacked the power Still to be a noted villain. Now the Northmen and the Southmen, After many a year of quarrel On the ancient Cuffee question, Came, at last, to open battle On the bloody field of Kansas ; There to have the final struggle For the ownership of Cuffee And the lordship of the country. Both the armies now were mustered ; From the North, the furious legions Hastened to the place of fighting, Aimed with swords, and armed with pistols, 248 THS KOBTH AND SOUTH ABM FOB BATTLIC, Armed with tracts, and armed with Bibles, Armed with Beecher's " moral rifles," Which would preach most moving sermons, And convince their foes of error. Shnplmunte aC bin aria ortin ftf nUIs fucnfeflcli to s> {latiiotic (n$dEtant> of s' tountis cancn Etangaa tig gC NoitQ anH g' Sotttfi. From the South came other legions, Also ready for the struggle. Also armed with swords and pistols. Bowie-knives and long revolvers. With a store of stinging horsewhips, With a store of tar and feathers. To regale their captive foemen, Treat their anti-slavery foemen. When they should have made them prisoners. AND THB PUN BBOINS. 249 After preaching from the parsons, After speeches from the leaders, After whisky from the harrels, Both the armies took their coats off, And prepared for deadly conflict. Then they all mixed in together, Had a grand, impartial battle, No one showing fear or favor, No one crying quit, or quarter. Each one slashing up his neighbor. Shooting, stabbing friend and brother. In one great, promiscuous murder. There, for years, they kept the fight up, From the South and North recruiting. As their forces, both, diminished, Till at last the very women, All the women and the children Of the land of Pluri-bus-tah, On the fatal field had fallen, And the land was all deserted. 11* 250 CtTFPEE, WATCHING HIS OPPOBTUHITY, Cuffee, wheii the figlit was ended, Took possession of the country, And himself the King elected. g' once mutt petsecutell 93Iacftimi(iot cteaietfi iimscUISinB o's' BCit countta n{ 5' trtunct ^luti'iua'tai. Thus was modernized the fable Of the cats, and cheese and monkey. Thus did Cuff become the ruler, Kuler and the sole survivor, Save his puny, former master. In the land of Pluri-bus-tah. Then he crossed the ancient landmark, Crossed the line of Mah-sun-dic-sun, Came from Kansas and Nebraska, Owning all the Yengah nation. ELECTS HIMSELF CHIEF COOK. 251 All the cities, all the countiy, Were the property of Cuffee, And the city of Manhattan Was the home of conquering Cuffee. He had risen against his master, Eisen against his puny master, Yunga-Merrakah, his master, And beneath his thumb had got him. Cuffee, now, his wrongs remembering. Which he, in his youth had suffered. From the father, Pluri-bus-tah, On the son now turned the tables. Made him pull his Shanghai coat off. 253 HOW HB 8KKVKD HIS MASTEB. Made him take a spade and pick-ax Suited to his small dimensions, Made him sweat, and slave, and labor. As old Cuffee did before him. All the fields were now neglected. Undisturbed by plow or harrow, All the verdant, fertile meadows, Blooming prairies,, waving corn-fields All the Southern broad plantations. S< rtmiliu of s' snat Uooibag of s' incftnt , Ztmflt ttHitti s' Sisttic. All the Northern wide spread grain-fields, Changed into a dreary desert. WHAT BECOMES OF THE COUNTBT, 253 Overgrown with thorns and thistles, Home for toads and crawling serpents. Years passed on and sable Cuffee, Ignorant and unenlightened, Could not rule the wide-spread country, From which he had driven his master. Knew not how to rule the sources From which it derived its greatness. Then the Lathe and Engine rusted. JJtIits fcunB in ji« JJuins of jt ancient iBanSattan. Then the Loom, the Press, the Anvil, In the mold of earth were buried. Then the Eaiboad was forgotten, 254 TUNGA-MKBEAKAH GOES TO WOBK, Then the Locomotive, useless, Then the Lightning broke the fetters With which Morse to earth had chained it, And escaping, fled forever. In the docks the shipping rotted. And the sea, no more a servant, Wrecked and mined all the steamers. Tears rolled on, and buildings molderedj Years roUed on, and desolation Euled the land of Pluri-bus-tah. Yunga-Merrakah had dwindled To a size so small and tiny. That if the distinguished General Thomas Thumb was placed beside him, Tom would seem a monstrous giant. And the unforgiving Cuffee, Stem and unrelenting Cuffee, Kept his cruel thumb upon him. Made him wield the spade and pick-ax, Wield them, not for gain or profit, TBAGICAL END OP THK HBRO. 255 Only for black Cuifee's pleasure. Only to glut Cuffee's vengeance. Sc Wacftamooc Bins ttiucaiett ^urts^'Mttxaiuil) into s msstnira of iaxH fDdcK. One day making excavations, In the ruins of Manhattan, The great city of Manhattan, Yunga-Merrakah discovered. Something huge, and round, and shining. Days he tugged and toiled to get it, From the ruins to unearth it. And, at last, almost succeeded. When the monstrous mass of metal Toppled over — crushed him — smashed him, Smashed him into human chowder. 258 CUFFBE BEING LEFT SOLITAEY, For it was his father's idol. Was old Pluri-bus-tah's idol ; It was the Almighty dollar. Tunga-Merrakah thus perished, Seeking the Almighty dollar, Smashed so far beyond redemption, That at the great final roU-caU, Yunga-Merrakah won't answer; For his life, his soul, his spirit. All were sacrificed together, Were demolished by the dollar, Smashed by the Almighty dollar. Cuffee, thus remaining solus (All his friends long since were buried) In the ruins of Manhattan, Last of aU the Yengah nation. Strolled up Broadway, now deserted. To the former site of "Christy's." Here he kicked about the ruins In a most ferocious manner, CONSOLES HIMSELF WITH MUSIC. Till his foot turned up a banjo Which had there remained for ages, Eeady strung and tuned for playing. Cuffee gazed upon the banjo, Then he looked upon the dollar. 267 Bins Wacknmoor biscoiictet!), iit gje tuina ofgt untitnt Sempli sta* JSlocft jHusra, a bennatle Sanfo, Liberty was stamped upon it. Liberty, her form and image — And her only form and image .Left in all that wide-spread country, Was her form upon the dollar. 258 HB VISITS TAMMANY HALL, Ouffee sat him down and pondered. Pondered how to spend the dollar. No more rum, and no more whisky, No more music, and no more dancing, How shall Cuffee spend his dollar ? Echo answered, "Gin and sugar." Down to Tammany he hastened. Thinking, as he hurried onward. There, where Democrats assembled. There, where ruled the mighty Eynders, There 'U be liquor found, if any Has survived the lapse of ages. Soon he reached the ancient ruin, And amid the bricks and mortar, WHEBS HB SIKOS HIS SICATH SONG. 259 Found a mighty smell of whisJky, Only this and nothing further.* Then he set the dollar edgewise, Then he took the tuneful banjo, J6* Bf na 6«Miittt8 lontBonw. S injittj s' platntiSt SeatJ-Bong, connnniciin! " I'm Binhtt ainaa to IraSe s"^," *£., ani 6fM. Gazed upon the lonely image, And extemporized his death-song; To the air of Yankee Doodle, Ancient air of Yankee Doodle, * " You may break, you may shatter the vase if you win, But the scent of the rosea will hang roiuid it still." — ^Moobe. 260 UELAKCHOLT DEATH 07 CU77EX. Sung his sad and cruel death-song, Like the Indians that you read of In the song of Hiawatha. Then he laid him down and died there. With the banjo in his fingers, With his feet stuck through a coal-hole. With his nose among the cinders, And his mouth half fiill of ashes. Cufifee laid him down and died there, And the dollar was his head-stone. Thus our every-day-seen hero, Yunga-Merrakah, had fizzled ; Cufiee also was a corpus, Like poor Villikins' fair Dinah— And the mighty Yengah nation Now was perished and forgotten. While its only trace or token, Was the last. Almighty dollar. In the land of the Hereafter, When the Master of life shall seek tu. OBAITD FINALS. 261 Seek to find this Yengah nation, He shall only find its symbol, Only the Almighty dollar. The Almighty, Yankee dollar. Our sole delegate to Heaven, Then shall represent our nation In that glorious "good time coming," In the land of the Hereafter. MORAL, FINIS. NOTE. AN AUTHENTIC HISTOET OP oini The autograph attached to the Frontispiece is a fac-simile, taken from the original signature on a six months' note-of-hand for two and nine- pence sterling, given by Pluri-bus-tah in settle- ment of a bin for a rump steak, at a porter- house. The descendants of the illustrious hero, not wishing to make public the fact that he set- tled so small a bLU in so unusual a manner, tore the name from the paper, and it was only res- cued from destruction, and preserved to the world. 204 KOTB. bj a providential accident. The engraving is an accurate copy of an old and exceedingly scarce picture, vrhich was discovered, [by a small boy who was in search oi a martin's nest,] imder the west end of the third clapboard from the bottom, on the belfiy of the old shingle church, which stands half-way up the hill on the shady side of the frog-pond, with its gable end fronting the pump. The Kkeness is said to be admirably correct. Juat PubtUh.ei, A NEW AStI mi^iltlVto EDITION Off THE CHEAPESI AND BEST WOEK ON AKOHITECTURB. THE CARPENTER'S ASSISTANT RURAL ARCHITECT. Illustrated with upwards of Two Hundred Copper and Electrotype Plates ; Embracing the orders of Architecture, Modern ai^d Practical Sta!r BuUdlc?, Plana, Elevations, Grounds, etc., etc., of Cottages, Tillas, and Farm Buildings, In- cluding Church Edifices. BY WILLIAM: BKOWN AND LEAVIS K. JOT, ARCHITECTS. Twenty-first Thousand- — Large Quarto^ bound in Leather, $3 60 Do, Bo, Sound in Morocco, marble edges, 5 00 OPINIONS OK THE WORKj [From the Telegraph.} This is a book which every carpenter and house builder should own. Mr. LiVBRMORB ; Dbar Sir,— I have deemed the " Carpenters Assistant and Rural Architect," by Messra. Browil and Joy, published by you, as one of the most valuable guides and books of reference in my libi*ary, and take an early opportunity to congratu - late you on the appearance of a new cmd improved edition of the work, which I have just purchased. The Lithographic Plates, comprising designs for church edifices, adds In my opi- nion a striking feature to the book, and I hare no hesitation in averring that it wU] be sought for by every Architect, Builder, and Carpenter in our countiy, wh« wishes to possess the most concise and practical treatise published. Respectfully yours, SAMUEL PHILLIPS, Architect and Builder, Boston. . From Practical Oat^entera and AroMtects,'^ We, the undersigned citizens of Worcester, Mass., practical carpenters, are per- sonally acquainted with William Brown, Esq., Architect, and author of a work, entitled the " Odrpenter^s Assistmit a/nd Biiral Architect." We have examined that work with attention, and commend it to all who are interested in the study or practice of the art, as a valuable treatise on architecture, and it la eminently prac- tical in its character. We cheerfully recommend It to the patronage of carpenteri and the public. EDWARD LAMB,, J. S. WOODWORTH, W. R. BI&BLOm PREEMAN UPHAM, M. H. MORSE, HORATIO N. TOWER. P. W. TAFT, S. D. HARDING^, I have carefully examined the " Carpenter's Assistant and Rural Architect," and believe It to be a work well adapted to meet the wants of the practical workman, being practical in its character, alnd valuable for the perspicuity of its arrangement, clearness of its designs, and brevity of its explanations, I would most (iheerfully recommend it to the patro'nage''of carpenters and stu- dents. ELBRIDOE BOYBEN, Architect. Mr, Browh : Sir,— I have examined your work on architecture, and feeling confident of its utility, from its extreme simplicity and singular adaptedneas to meet the wants of the carpenters, I do cheerfully recommend it to the condition of every carpenter, especially the apprentice, who will find all the rudiments of architecture necessary, as well as designs for practice. A. L. BROOKS. LIVERMOEE & KUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, New York; r / ' ,^, - ' -'.. lV■^ t\\. Is fg^lISI^®^^. Fully Illustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the moat eminent artifte An elegant 12mo. vol. l)ouud in Muslin, gilt extra. $1. LIVERUORE & BUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, N. T< A BOOK FEOM "DOESTICKS." THE eHEAT AMEEIOAN WIT AND HDMOKIST I BY Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B. Fully Mhtstrated iy the most eminent Artists, 12mo., dound in m/usUn, gilt extra, |1. 12,113 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following the day of publication ; and from every part of the country the demand still continues. W^\A lie This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking, stetches of persona and places, filled trith humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with laughter from the title-page to the close. In the langu age of an eminent journalist, who speaks of the book : " From the- first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative, Doesticks' book is ft running fire of comicality. In taking up the book, the reader finds himself precisely in the same condition as the man who, after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream independent of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too," How DoRsticks came to think of it; Doesticks satisfies Philander; y thousands." — New Orlea/na Bee. " Doesticks* fun is not of the artificial, spasmodic order, it arises from a keen perception of the humorous Side of things." — New York THbune. '^ His blows at humbug are trenchant, and his sympathies are ever with ho- inanity.*' — Boston Evening Gazette. "Doesticks comes to us like a full and sparkling goblet, overflowing with the rich and brilliant sayings of an original mind. If you woold drive away the * Blue Devils,' purchase Doesticks, and every sketch you read will be better than any pill for the indigestion." — The Ujicle Samuel, Boston, " What Cruikshanks, Leech, or Gava^nl does with the pencil, he accomplishes with the pen." — IVie N. Y. Dutchman. " The author is a humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows are aimed with severe accuracy agaiust a vast number of the follies, fhiilties, and humbugs of the day/' — ATrierioansLnd Commercic^ Advertiser, jBomTnors, Md, LTYERMORE & RTJDD, Publishes, 310 Bbo^way, Nbw Yobk. 'DON'T CRACK YOUR SIDES." WILL APPEAR m MAY, PICaOID FEOM THE PATCH OF INVISIBLE GREEN, ESQ. A quaint title, dear reader, is it not 7 Yet one that will answer well to introduce to the public in book form a series of graphic delineations which have at irregular intervals enlivened the columns of one of the principal journals of the Queen City. They have attracted much atten- tion not only there, but in all parts of the tJnion, for their genial humor and sprightliness, the faithiulness with which the writer has sketched the peculiarities of the " characters" with whom he has come in con- tact during his daily rambles, and also for the excellent moral tone which pervades them throughout. They convey many an earnest lesson in life, even while causing the reader to shake his sides at the ludicrousness of the picture drawn. His happy manner of hitting off the foibles, holding up to contempt the vices, and enlisting the better feelings in favor of the often unde- served miseries of those in the lower walks of city life, have made "Invisible" hosts of friends in all parts of the country; and their number has been largely increased by the frequency with which his shorter sketches have "gone the rounds of the press." To the lovers of true humor we can recommend this volume. It vrill be extensively illustrated with cuts, from designs by MoLenan, who is already favorably known to the public, especially in his inimit- able illustrations of " Flvrri-lms-tah." LIVERMORE & RTJDD, PuUishera, 3J0 Beoadwat, New Yoek. A BOOK THAT WILL MAKE ITS MARK! IN PEESS. The undersigned have the satisfaction of announcing to the Public and the Trade that they have in Press, and will Publish in April, an original fiction of unusual interest and merit, by an American writer, entitled, ASPENWOLD. The claims of this work to a high place in the front rank of our na- tional literature will be admitted by every reader whose critical abilities enable him to appreciate authorial excellence. It is written in the form of an autobiography, like the works of Mab- ETATT, and win fiivorably compare with the best of that popular writer's productions. It is fi:ee &om the hackneyed incidents which comprise the principal stock in trade of most of our modem noveligte, and is emphatically j3l 3F