CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PN 6371.065 1915 
 
 1924 027 291 792 
 
THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
Books by Edith B. Ordway 
 
 The Handbook of Conundiums 
 1 6mo, cloth 30 cents net 
 
 The Handbook of Quotations 
 1 2mo, cloth 73 cents net 
 
 The Etiquette of To-day 
 
 1 2mo, cloth 73 cents net 
 
 Handbook of the Operas 
 
 New and Elnlarged Edition 
 1 2mo, cloth $ 1 .00 net 
 
 Full parts, grain leather $1.30 net 
 
 Synonyms and Antonyms 
 I2mo, cloth $1.00 net 
 
 George Sully & Company 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
THE HANDBOOK 
 OF ^ 
 
 CONUNDRUM^ 
 
 BY 
 
 EDITH B. ORDWAY 
 
 Author or "The Etiquette of To-dav," and 
 " Synonyms and Antonyms." 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
CoPTRIOHT, 1914, BY 
 
 SULLY and KLEINTEICH 
 
 CoPYBiaHT, 1915, BY 
 
 SULLY and KLEINTEICH 
 
 AH rights reserred 
 
 VBIHTBS IH V. S. A, 
 
PREFACE 
 
 This book presents a grindstone whereon 
 the reader may whet his wits. It is of suffi- 
 cient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of 
 broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fine- 
 ness of grain to edge the best steel of fancy. 
 
 Like all grindstones, though its form is 
 new, its ingredients are of remote origin. 
 It has whetted many English and American 
 blades for the battle of ideas, and is, there- 
 fore, in places, somewhat worn. IThere is, 
 however, much absolutely fresh surface. 
 
 Any blade of fine temper properly ground 
 upon it is warranted to cleave to the divid- 
 ing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that 
 between humorsome stupidity and precise 
 wit, and that between the wit of laughter 
 only and the wit of insight! 
 
 £. B, (V. 
 
The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027291792 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 A eeNUNDRUM is a riddle in the form ©£ 
 a question, the answer to which involves a 
 pun. Originally the term was applied to any 
 quaint expression. It is thus, in its modern 
 form, a union of the elaborated riddle and 
 the impromptu pun. 
 
 With the earliest development of intelli- 
 gence came the discovery of likeness and 
 difference in things, and the search for anal- 
 ogy was carried out along both sensible and 
 absurd lines, the latter drifting into a double 
 analogy of thought and form, of which the 
 conundrum is the logical product. 
 
 The literatures of all peoples contain the 
 riddle, which might be witty or serious as 
 impulse prompted. All bright and clever 
 minds have seen the possibilities of the pun, 
 and so common is it as an impromptu form 
 of wit among keen people, so general the 
 temptation to fall into it, that it is looked 
 upon with disfavor, as a pitfaU for thought, 
 
viii INTRODUCTION 
 
 which often prevents it from finishing its 
 course. 
 
 The conundrum has, however, an ancient 
 and honorable lineage, and, while not often 
 given its precise form in conversation or 
 anecdote, is readily adapted to the perma- 
 nent embodiment of those flashes of wit 
 which enlighten and cheer. 
 
 The ability to guess and to propound rid- 
 dles was held in high respect in early times. 
 Men of great physical prowess were ex- 
 pected to guess riddles to prove their mental 
 prowess, and many were the contests of this 
 sort which were held. The stakes in these 
 contests were very high, — often life or 
 honor. In Norse mythology the prize of 
 such a contest was once the daughter of the 
 god Thor; in another the life of the giant 
 Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to 
 win in competition with the god Odin. 
 
 So in the old English ballad of the Elfin- 
 knight, a maiden saves herself from an evil 
 spirit by successfully guessing his riddles. 
 Among many primitive peoples the game of 
 riddle-reading was played with opposing 
 sides, each headed by a champion, and with 
 bets staked on the outcome. Often in bal- 
 
INTRODUCTION ix 
 
 lads and folklore the hero's escape from 
 death and final triumph hinge upon the 
 guessing of a riddle. 
 
 The Semitic people held in high regard 
 the power to read riddles, and this power, 
 as in the story of Solomon, blends with the 
 higher intelligence which makes for wisdom. 
 
 Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew 
 conundrums is that of Samson, the strong 
 of intellect as of body, who, when he found 
 the honey which the wild bees had placed in 
 the carcass of a lion, read to the Philistines 
 this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth 
 meat, and out of the strong came forth 
 sweetness." 
 
 Among the Greeks and Romans, as 
 among earlier peoples, all forms of wit and 
 play of word and fancy were tried and popu- 
 lar. D'Israeli, in his " Curiosities of Liter- 
 ature," records that " It is certain that 
 Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he 
 seems to have been more ready with them 
 than with repartees." 
 
 The story of the famous riddle of the 
 Sphinx comes down from Greek mythology. 
 The city of Thebes was infested by a mon- 
 ster having the body of a lion and the upper 
 
K INTRODUCTION 
 
 part of a woman. She lay crouching upon 
 a rock near a narrow pass which led to the 
 city, and propounded to all travelers a rid- 
 dle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, 
 but killing all who failed. The uniform fail- 
 ure of all who came, and their subsequent 
 slaughter, made great lamentation in the 
 city. CEdipus, the unacknowledged son of 
 the King of Thebes, who had shortly before 
 unknowingly killed his father, undertook to 
 rid the city of the monster. He boldly con- 
 fronted the Sphinx, who asked him the rid- 
 dle, " What animal is it that in the morning 
 goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in 
 the evening upon three?" CEdipus replied, 
 " Man, who in childhood creeps on hands 
 and knees, in manhood walks erect, and in 
 old age goes with the aid of a staff." * The 
 Sphinx thereupon cast herself from the 
 rock and perished, and the Thebans made 
 CEdipus king. 
 
 There is one age-old riddle, still current 
 in Brittany, Germany, and Gascony, about 
 which the tradition hovers that Homer died 
 with vexation at not being able to discover 
 the answer. It is, "What we caught we 
 
 * See Gayle/s " Classic Myths in English Literature 
 and in Art" (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911), 
 
INTRODUCTION xi 
 
 threw away, what we could not catch we 
 kept." 
 
 Early folklore riddles dealt with natural 
 phenomena. With the Wolofs the riddle of 
 the wind asks, " What flies forever and rests 
 never? " The Teutonic form was, " What 
 can go in the face of the sun, yet leave no 
 shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa 
 ask: "What is wingless and legless, yet 
 flies fast and cannot be imprisoned? " and 
 answer, " The voice." 
 
 The oldest English riddles extant are 
 among the fragments found in " The Exeter 
 Book." These date back to the eighth cen- 
 tury and were written in Northumbria. 
 while these are not conundrums in the mod- 
 ern sense, they are very elaborate studies of 
 analogy, and contain some of the most 
 imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry. 
 
 In the early half of the seventeeth cen- 
 tury there were published several small 
 books, which contain the sources of many of 
 the conundrums of the present day. These 
 books have been brought together by W. 
 Carew Hazlitt, under the title " Shake- 
 speare's Jest-Books " (London, 1864). The 
 (dates of these books are variously 1600, 
 
xii INTRODUCTION 
 
 1630, 16^36, and 1639. The form is narra- 
 tive, with occasional dialogue, and ap- 
 proaches that of the conundrum, and the wit 
 though far from subtle is often effective. 
 Though the names of the authors of some of 
 these books are known, the authorship of 
 others is in doubt. They were to a consid- 
 erable extent not attributable to one man, 
 but were the bright sayings of the day. 
 
 The first chapter of the present volume, 
 entitled " Early English Wit," brings to., 
 gether, in modernized form, some of the 
 brightest of these sayings. The strangest 
 thing about such a collection is to discover of 
 what antiquity some current conundrums are. 
 That is notably true of one taken from " De- 
 maundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn de 
 Worde in 15 11, namely: 
 
 " Demaiind. How many straws go to a 
 goose's nest? 
 
 J. None, for lack of feet. 
 
 <f 
 
 Besides the puns which may be made 
 within a language itself, through the variety 
 of meanings of words and the similarity of 
 sound in different words, there is a certain 
 class of hybrid puns and conundrums which 
 
INTRODUCTION xiil 
 
 is made by the interchange of languages. 
 The following story illustrates this class : A 
 newly appointed and bashful young curate 
 was visiting a young ladies' school in his 
 parish. The ordeal of facing so many 
 blooming young misses was endured until, 
 the class in Virgil having been found ill-pre- 
 pared and the teacher having requested that 
 the translation be made word for word, he 
 was startled by the declaration made by a 
 pretty young lady, " We kiss him in turn " 
 {Vicissim, in turn), whereupon he ungal- 
 lantly fled. 
 
 When Laud was Archbishop to Charles 
 I, it is related that the Court Jester made 
 the punning grace, " Great praise be to God 
 and llltle Laud to the Devil," which resulted 
 in his banishment by the Archbishop. 
 
 Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a 
 masterly hand, ringing many changes upon 
 it and producing many effects, both grave 
 and gay. An example of the quizzical dia- 
 logue which has the wit of the conundrum as 
 its basis, is found in " Twelfth Night," Act 
 I., scene 5 : 
 
 Clown. Good madonna, why mournest thou? 
 Oliina. Good fool, for my brother's death. 
 
xiv INTRODUCTION 
 
 Clown. I think his soul is in hell, laadoarai. 
 Olivia. I know his soul is in heaven, fool. 
 Clown. The more fool; madonna, to mourn for 
 your brother's soul being in heaven. 
 
 While the conundrum ranks as the formal 
 literary representative of the spontaneous 
 pun, the literature of wit is alive with the 
 naked pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, 
 Lamb, and Holmes are the names of some 
 whose punning arraignments of puns and 
 punsters make them at once judges and pris- 
 oners at the bar. 
 
 Theodore Hook is accredited with the 
 original pun which is the basis of a common 
 conundrum. He bragged that he could 
 make a pun on any subject, and immediately 
 a friend suggested that he make one on the 
 King. "The King is no subject," was the 
 prompt rejoinder. 
 
 The poems of Thomas Hood, the " king 
 of punsters," abound in puns, and the sort 
 of wit, subtle or broad, which may be ex- 
 pressed in puns. He was primarily a poet, 
 and manipulated words in a masterly 
 fashion, not letting them deflect his thought. 
 An example of the inevitableness of his pun- 
 ning is found in the poem on "Sally 
 
TNTRODUCTION xv 
 
 Brown": "They went and told the sexton, 
 and the sexton toll'd the bell." 
 
 A friendly contest between Hook and 
 Hood, as to which could make the best pun, 
 resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two 
 men being of equal merit, according to the 
 friend who was called upon to decide. 
 
 Alexander Pope, although disapproving 
 of the pun as a trifling form of wit, once 
 challenged his hearers to suggest a word 
 upon which he could not make a pun. The 
 word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a 
 man under a ship, was given by a woman 
 present. "That, Madam," replied Pope, 
 "is indeed putting a man under a hardship." 
 
 The incident is told of Charles Lamb that 
 once when in Salisbury Cathedral the con- 
 stable remarked to him that eight people had 
 dined at the top of the spire ; whereupon 
 Lamb remarked that they must be "very 
 sharp set." 
 
 The story is told that a man noted for his 
 wit in puns was asked in regard to the writ- 
 ings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like 
 to expatiate in such a field?" He replied. 
 No. I can't get over the stile (style)." 
 
 From the riddle or pun it is but a short 
 
 (C 
 
xvi INTRODUCTION 
 
 step to the conundrum, which takes the pun 
 from its purely factitious setting and gives it 
 a general application and a permanent form. 
 It is, when rightly constructed, at once in- 
 teresting and instructive, teaching as much 
 by negative as by affirmative statement. It 
 embodies the ever new analogies between 
 dissimilar things, and with a language so fer- 
 tile in idiom as the English aids in its mas- 
 tery. Used in application to historical 
 and geographical subjects it may serve to 
 fix names and places definitely in memory, 
 as well as facts which but for the humorous 
 interest given to them would be dry and 
 easily forgotten. 
 
 There is a certain distinctive flavor to the 
 current conundrums of a period which tells 
 more of the popular interests of the time 
 than anything but a newspaper could. The 
 best conundrums of each period, or those 
 that center around a great event, would 
 make most illuminating historical reading. 
 The opinions of the day are often more 
 clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an 
 essay. It would have been of interest to 
 know what the wits, as well as the historians, 
 said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Bos- 
 
INTRODUCTION xvil 
 
 ton Tea Party, and of Washington and the 
 Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion 
 of posterity would not have differed so 
 widely from that of the wits as from that of 
 the contemporary chroniclers. 
 
 John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and 
 Mirth," published in 1630, was one of the 
 oldest and most distinctive original collec- 
 tions, was the forerunner of such punning 
 poets as Hood and Holmes. In the dedi- 
 cation of his book, in order to forestall criti- 
 cism for the publishing of sayings already 
 well-known, he says : " Because I had 
 many of them (the jests) by relation and 
 heare-say, I am in doubt that some of them 
 may be in print in some other Authors, 
 which I doe assure you is more then I doe 
 know." The authors of all compilations of 
 conundrums in the almost three centuries 
 since have had to make increasingly compre- 
 hensive acknowledgment, which the present 
 author here hastens to give, having drawn 
 from the great common sources, as well as 
 from the unpublished current wit of the day. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Introduction 7 
 
 Chapter Page 
 
 I. Early Engwsh Wit 1 
 
 II. Mythoi,ogicai< Conundrums . . 18 
 
 III. BiBLicAi, Conundrums .... 20 
 
 IV. Historical Conundrums ... 30 
 
 V. Conundrums oE the Civil War 
 
 Period 38 
 
 VI. Geographical Conundrums . . 44 
 
 VII. Literary Conundrums .... 52 
 
 VIII. Conundrums oe the Alphabet . 60 
 
 IX. General Conundrums .... 73 
 
 X. Charades, Stories, and Contests 183 
 
CHAPTER I 
 
 Early English Wit 
 
 In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, 
 and posers of this chapter, the sayings of 
 which were current from about 1600 on to 
 the present day, is seen the growth of the 
 modern form of conundrum, which is ad- 
 hered to largely In the remaining chapters 
 of this book. 
 
 A poet was asked where his wits were. 
 " A- wool-gathering," he answered. " No 
 people have more need of it," was the re- 
 ply. 
 
 A good client Is like a study gown, which 
 sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer 
 warm. 
 
 "Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide 
 lines?" "It is done to keep the peace. 
 For if the plaintiff should be in one line and 
 the defendant in the next, with the lines tq,o 
 
2 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 near together, they might perhaps fall to- 
 gether by the ears." 
 
 A master spoke in a strain which his 
 servant did not understand. The servant 
 thereupon asked that his master might 
 rather give him blows than such hard words. 
 
 What great scholar is this same Finis, be- 
 cause his name is to almost every book?* 
 
 A prodigal is like a brush that spends 
 itself to make others go handsome in their 
 clothes. 
 
 An antiquary loves ever5rthing for being 
 moldy and worm-eaten, — as Dutchmen do 
 cheese. 
 
 It was said that a player had " an idle em- 
 ployment of it." " You are mistaken," was 
 the reply, " for his whole life is nothing 
 else but action." 
 
 A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened 
 to a cinnamon tree, — because the bark was 
 of more worth than the body. 
 
 *Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Con- 
 ceits, Clinches, Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 
 1639), the earliest of its kind, and calls attention to 
 the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's plays were 
 written by Mr. Preface or Mr. Finis. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 3 
 
 One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying 
 that he had hitherto found him a fast friend, 
 and hoped he should find him so still. 
 
 A scholar who was much given to going 
 abroad, was advised that he put away his 
 cushion, as he would then " sit harder to his 
 study." 
 
 It was remarked that " poetry and plain 
 dealing were a couple of handsome wenches." 
 It was replied that "he who weds himself 
 to either of them shall die a beggar." 
 
 Why are women so crooked and perverse 
 in their conditions ? Because the first woman 
 was made of a crooked thing. 
 
 One was advised to marry a little woman, 
 because " of evils the least was to be 
 chosen." 
 
 A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been 
 made by the practice of his profession, de- 
 sired to bequeath a certain sum to the in- 
 sane asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned 
 why, he replied that he had got his money 
 of mad men, and he would give it to them 
 again. 
 
 The trade of tooth drawer is a conscience- 
 less one, because It is " nothing else but to 
 
4 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 take away those things whereby every man 
 gets his living." 
 
 " A vainglorious man " was bragging that 
 his father and uncle had founded a certain 
 hospital. One answered, " 'Tis true, but yet 
 know that your father and your uncle were 
 the mere confounders (co-founders) of that 
 hospital you speak of." 
 
 It was said that corn was a quarrelsome 
 creature, because it rose by the blade, and 
 fell by the ears with those that cut it. 
 
 A tailor was commended for his dexterity, 
 whereupon it was remarked that tailors had 
 their business at their fingers' ends. 
 
 Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, 
 should be well acquainted with all the philo- 
 sophical secrets of the earth, because they 
 had a deeper knowledge of it than any 
 others. 
 
 "Of all knaves there's the greatest hope 
 of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle 
 a fellow, yet he is still mending." 
 
 " A smith," said one, " Is the most prag- 
 matical fellow under the sun, for he hath al- 
 ways many Irons in the fire." 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS j 
 
 TKe proverb, " Wit bought is better than 
 wit taught," had added to it the comment, 
 "because he that never bought any is but 
 a natural wit," embodying the play on the 
 word " natural," the early name for " fool." 
 
 Tall men are the most happy, because 
 they are nearer heaven than other men. 
 They should also be great politicians, be- 
 cause they have extraordinary reach. 
 
 Of all soldiers musketeers are the most 
 lazy, for they are always at rest. 
 
 It is necessary that some rich men be 
 dunces, because pretenders to learning may 
 get preferment, and good wits will be able 
 to help themselves. 
 
 Carpenters are the most civil men because 
 they never do their business without a rule. 
 
 A hangman is the most trusty of friends, 
 for, if he once have to do with a man, he 
 will see him hanged before he shall want 
 money or anything else. 
 
 Physicians have the best of it. If they do 
 well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth 
 covers it. 
 
 A man and his wife were fighting. One 
 
6 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 was asked why he did not part them, and re- 
 plied, that he " had been better bred than to 
 part man and wife." 
 
 Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would en- 
 dure war well, for they would never be stifled 
 with fire and smoke. 
 
 Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their 
 calling, for they never do anything but it is 
 against the hair (fiddlestring). 
 
 Smiths are the most irregular of handi- 
 crafts men, because they never think that 
 they are better employed than when they 
 are addicted to their vices. 
 
 It is no great matter what a drunkard says 
 in his drink, for he never says anything that 
 he can stand to. 
 
 " Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world 
 go which way it will, though there be never 
 so much alteration in times and persons) are 
 still stable men." 
 
 A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and 
 to the devil. God hates him, because he is 
 not what he seems; man hates him, because 
 he seems what he is not; and the devil hates 
 him, because he seems not what he truly is. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 7 
 
 Stage players are the most philosophical 
 of men, because they are as content in rags as 
 in robes. 
 
 " Roaring gallants " are like peddlers, — 
 they carry their whole estate upon their 
 backs. 
 
 An occulist is an excellent sleight-of-hand 
 performer; because if he undertakes to cure 
 a blind man, he will so do it that the patient 
 shall see he does it. 
 
 He that buys a horse in Smithfield and 
 does not look upon him before he buy him, 
 with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse 
 and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles 
 for others to look on. 
 
 Cobblers must be good men because they 
 set men upright, and are always employed in 
 mending soles. 
 
 A wild young gentleman desired to sell his 
 land, and was asked the reason, to which he 
 answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but 
 could not possibly do so until he had for- 
 saken earth. 
 
 A drunkard, returning home at night, 
 found his wife hard at her spinning. She 
 
8 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 reproved him for his 111 husbandry, and com- 
 mended herself for her good housewifery. 
 He replied that she had no great cause to 
 chide, for, as she had been spinning, he 
 came all the way home reeling. 
 
 An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed 
 all patients that came under his hands, 
 boasted that he was a better man than the 
 parson; "For," he said, "your cure main- 
 tains but yourself, but my cures maintain all 
 the sextons in the town." 
 
 A man by the name of Stone fell off his 
 horse Into deep water, from which he 
 struggled, but not without some danger. 
 His companion laughed, and when rebuked, 
 replied that any man would laugh to see a 
 stone swim. 
 
 One who had received a threat that an- 
 other would break his head with a stone, 
 replied, " It is a hard matter to break my 
 head with a stone." 
 
 A physician sought to collect a bill due for 
 service to a patient who had died. He was 
 told that it was a work of charity to visit 
 the sick, but If he wanted money so badly 
 the only way was for him to visit the dead, 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS ^ 
 
 and then he would not want money any more. 
 
 The following dialogue took place be- 
 tween two friends : " I love to hear a man 
 talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear 
 yourself talk as well as any man." 
 
 A gentleman made some purchases upon 
 trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that 
 he would owe him so much money. The 
 proprietor was for a time content, but when 
 he sought to collect the payment, the gentle- 
 man told him that he had not promised to 
 pay him, but had promised to owe him so 
 much money, and that he would not break his 
 promise, as he would have to if he paid the 
 debt. 
 
 "What are Shakespeare's works worth, 
 all bound together?" "Not a farthing." 
 " Not worth a farthing? How so ? " " His 
 plays are worth a great deal of money, but I 
 never heard that his works are worth any- 
 thing at all." 
 
 A man met his friend riding without boots, 
 and asked him about what business he went. 
 The friend replied that it was a matter of 
 great importance, and that he was in great 
 haste. The man said, " I am afraid that 
 
10 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 your labor is lost." " Why? " Inquired tHe 
 rider. " Because," was the reply, " you ride 
 of a bootless errand." 
 
 Which of the letters of the alphabet are 
 the most authentic on a bill or bond? I O U. 
 
 Why do not men and their wives agree 
 better nowadays? Because men are now 
 more learned, and know that "it is false 
 concord that the masculine and feminine 
 gender should agree at all." 
 
 A man had the pictures of the five senses 
 stolen from his house, and came to a justice, 
 desiring that the thieves might be bound to 
 the peace. " For what?" asked the justice. 
 "For stealing your pictures?" "Yes," re- 
 plied the man. " I thought," said the jus- 
 tice, " that you had lost your senses, that you 
 talk so idly." 
 
 One in the midst of a crowd of people on 
 the top of the steeple of St. Paul's Church, 
 London, had his pocket picked. " What vil- 
 lains are these," he exclaimed, " to pick a 
 man's pocket in church I " " Nay, sir," said 
 another, " you are but robbed upon the high- 
 way." 
 
 A scholar was fond of sitting in a study 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS ii 
 
 hung around with brown paper, because, he 
 would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a 
 brown study. 
 
 "Why are there drums in the wars?" 
 " To stir up the valor of the soldiers." 
 " Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, 
 the drums are sure to be beaten." 
 
 Why does B stand before C?, Because a 
 man must B before he can C. 
 
 How long is the longest letter in the Eng- 
 lish alphabet? An L long. 
 
 Two men, of whom one was a gold- 
 smith, conspired together to steal a silver 
 bowl. When they had procured it, the gold- 
 smith gilded it over that it might not be 
 known. They were arrested, however, and 
 when the matter came to trial, the judge 
 said, that though the other stole it, yet the 
 guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith. 
 
 One came upon a sexton making a grave 
 for a great tall fellow by the name of Button, 
 and asked him for whom that extraordinarily 
 long grave was. The sexton answered, that 
 he had made many longer than that, and said 
 it was but a button-hole compared with some 
 graves that he had made. 
 
52 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 A man, whose name was You, married a 
 woman of the same name, and was ever after- 
 called " Master W." 
 
 One was wondering why the people of 
 Ethiopia did not write straight along as the 
 northern people do, and another answered 
 that they wrote under the line, and that was 
 the reason of it. 
 
 A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, 
 complained to a scholar that he had bad luck 
 in his business, and that usually those things 
 which he took to dye were spoiled. The 
 scholar told him that the only way to have 
 this amended was to reform himself, for he 
 that lived ill could never dye well. 
 
 What herb is there that cures all diseases? 
 Thyme. 
 
 An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice be- 
 cause he was not nimble enough at his work, 
 and had not his nails and hammer in readi- 
 ness when he should use them; and said that 
 when he himself was an apprentice he was| 
 taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends. 
 
 What does that young man deserve who 
 loves always to be in a playhouse? A box. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 13 
 
 One expressed surprise that there were 
 so many pickpockets about the streets, not- 
 TPithstanding that there was a watch at every 
 corner. It was answered that this was all 
 one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet 
 with a watch as with anything else. 
 
 One who was skilled in writing shorthand 
 offered to teach a lawyer's clerk his skill, but 
 the latter thanked him for his offer, and told 
 him that they could not live by making short 
 hand of anything. 
 
 A coward related to his friend that one 
 had given him a box upon the ear, but that 
 he, instead of returning the blow, had turned 
 to him the other ear also. The friend re- 
 plied, " Sure, there was a great fight betwixt 
 you, when blows were given on both sides." 
 
 The word Interpreter is derived from 
 Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt 
 two that spoke several languages. 
 
 A company of gentlemen entered a tavern 
 whose sign was the Moon, and called for a 
 quart of sack. The drawer told them that 
 they had none, and that the man in the Moon 
 always drank claret. 
 
 A countryman, being asked how a certain 
 
14 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 river which ran through that country was 
 called, replied, that they never had need to 
 call the river, for it came without calling. 
 
 A country fellow who was unaccustomed 
 to paved streets, came to London, and a dog 
 suddenly ran out of one of the houses and 
 came furiously at him. The fellow stooped 
 to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but 
 finding them all fast rammed or paved into 
 the ground, exclaimed, " What a strange 
 country am I in, where the people tie up the 
 stones, and let the dogs loose ! " 
 
 A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfer- 
 ing knave, said, " Sirrah, if thou dost not 
 mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly 
 hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee." 
 The bold knave replied, " I thank your wor- 
 ship for that kind offer, and I beseech your 
 worship not to be out of the way, when I 
 shall have occasion to use you." 
 
 A sailor riding from Dover to London on 
 a tired horse, was urged by his companions 
 to ride faster. " I can come no faster," he 
 replied. " Do you not see that I am be- 
 calmed?" 
 
 Between twelve and one o'clock one asked 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 15 
 
 me what o'clock it was. I answered, " Lit- 
 tle or nothing." He demanded what I 
 meant. I replied that, it being not one of 
 the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted 
 for naught, as that which is less than one is 
 little or nothing. 
 
 (James the First and his successor created 
 knights profusely for the purpose of raising 
 money. From this fact grew the following 
 conundrum :) Why did a knight take place 
 of a gentleman? Because they were knights 
 nowadays before they were gentlemen. 
 
 Why do fat men love their ease so much? 
 Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and 
 is therefore loath to rise. 
 
 Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A 
 fool in earnest. 
 
 One, hearing that a traveler had been on 
 the peak of Teneriffe (which is supposed to 
 be one of the highest hills in the world), 
 asked him why he had not stayed there, for 
 he was sure he would never come so near 
 heaven again. 
 
 What countryman is the devil? A Span- 
 iard; for Spaniards, like the devil, trouble; 
 the whole world. (1600.} 
 
iB HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Musicians may be compared to chame- 
 leons, because they live by air. 
 
 What countryman is a ploughman? They 
 are all born in Hungary. 
 
 Printers are the most lawless men in the 
 kingdom, because they commit faults with 
 license. 
 
 Why should men think there is a world in 
 the moon? Because they are lunatic. 
 (This refers to the book, " A Discovery of 
 a New World," by Bishop Wilkins, which 
 had just appeared in 1638.) 
 
 It was asked of one who wore a thread- 
 bare coat, whether his coat were not sleepy. 
 " Why do you ask? " queried the owner. 
 " Because," was the reply, " I think it hath 
 not had a nap this seven year." 
 
 One remarked " that it was a good fashion 
 that was worn nowadays" (1639) > " because 
 the tailors had so contrived that there was 
 little or no waste in a whole suit." 
 
 The philosopher's stone had need turn all 
 metals to gold because the study of it turns 
 all a man's gold to other metal. 
 
 "A Gallant with a galloping wit was 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 17 
 
 mounted upon a running horse toward a town 
 named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, 
 and, riding at full speed, he met an old man, 
 and asked him, ' Sirrah, is this the way to 
 Tame ? ' ' Yes, sir,' he replied, ' your horse, 
 I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the 
 devil.' 
 
 " This is a riddle to a fool, methinks, 
 And seems to want an CEdipus or Sphinx, 
 But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit* 
 To find you lines, yourself must find you 
 
 wit." 
 
 ♦Sufficient 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 Mythological Conundrums 
 
 Where was Time raised? In the lapse 
 of ages. 
 
 How do we know that Jupiter wore very 
 pinching boots? Because we read of his 
 struggles with the tight-uns (Titans) . 
 
 What great astronomer is like Venus's 
 chariot? Her-shell (Herschell). 
 
 Why does a woman residing up a pair of 
 stairs remind you of a goddess? Because 
 she's a second floorer (Flora). 
 
 Why is a man looking for the philosopher's 
 stone like Neptune? Because he's a sea- 
 king (a-seeking) what never was. 
 
 If all the seas were dried up, what would 
 Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a 
 notion) . 
 
 If a young lady were to wish her father to 
 pull her on the river, what classical name 
 t8 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 19 
 
 might she mention? You row, pa (Europa). 
 
 Why is Orpheus always in bad company? 
 Because you never see him without a lyre. 
 
 If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the 
 Bay of Salamis, what would he have been 
 when he came out? A dripping Pan. 
 
 What did lo die of? lo-dide of potas- 
 sium. 
 
 When does a lady think her husband a 
 Hercules? When he can't get on without 
 his club. 
 
 What girl does Echo think can best an- 
 swer questions? Ann, sir. 
 
 Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? 
 It was through his-whim (his swim) only. 
 
 Why is a coach going down a steep hill 
 like St. George? Because it is always drawn 
 with die drag-on. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 Biblical Conundrums 
 
 What three words did Adam use when 
 he introduced himself to Eve, which read 
 backwards and forwards the same? 
 " Madam, I'm Adam." 
 
 At what time of day was Adam born? A 
 little before Eve. 
 
 Why was the first day of Adam's life the 
 longest? Because it had no Eve. 
 
 How were Adam and Eve prevented front 
 gambling? Their pair o' dice (Paradise) 
 was taken away from them. 
 
 What stone should have been placed at 
 the gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adam- 
 antine (Adam ain't in). 
 
 Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave 
 him? Because he had no knife. 
 
 At what time was Adam married? Upon 
 his wedding Eve. 
 
 20 
 
Handbook OF CONUNDRUMS 21 
 
 What evidence have we that Adam used 
 sugar? Because he raised Cain. 
 
 Who was the first man condemned to hard 
 labor for life? Adam. 
 
 Who was first interested in horse racing? 
 Adam — he was the father of the race. 
 
 How many apples were eaten in the 
 Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam, too, 
 and the devil won, — eleven in all. 
 
 What one word will name the common 
 parent of both beasts and man? A-dam. 
 
 What was the first surgical operation per- 
 formed without the aid of instruments? 
 The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made 
 into a wife. 
 
 Why ought Adam to have been perfectly 
 satisfied with his wife? Because she was 
 cut out especially for him. 
 
 How did Adam and Eve feel when they 
 left the Garden of Eden? Put out. 
 
 Why were the gates of Eden shut after 
 Adam and Eve went out? To keep the 
 dam(p) air out. 
 
 What fur did Adam and Eve wear? 
 Bear (bare) skin. 
 
22 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Be- 
 cause she'd Adam (had 'em). 
 
 For what was Eve made? For Adam's 
 Express Company. 
 
 What did Adam first plant in the Garden 
 of Eden? His foot. 
 
 Who first introduced walking-sticks? 
 Eve gave Adam a little Cain. 
 
 What kind of cottages did Adam's sons 
 prefer? Cottages with eaves (Eves). 
 
 Was our mother Eve High or Low 
 Church? Adam thought her Eve-angelical. 
 
 What did Adam and Eve do when they 
 got out of Eden? Raised Cain. 
 
 Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Be- 
 cause it had a pair-in (paring). 
 
 When was the first gambling? When 
 Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise (pair o' 
 dice) for an apple. 
 
 When did fruit first begin to swear? 
 When the apple damned the first pair. 
 
 Who was the fastest runner in the world? 
 Adam — he was first in the human race. 
 
 How long did Cain hate his brother? As 
 long as he was able; (Abel), 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 23 
 
 Why was Cain's murder like the main 
 strength of his leg? Because it was a sin- 
 new. 
 
 How can a whipping be ordered for a boy 
 in five Old Testament names ? Adam, Seth, 
 Eve, Cain, Abel. 
 
 Why is a printing press like the forbidden 
 fruit? Because from it springs a knowledge 
 of good and evil. 
 
 What was four weeks old when Cain was 
 born, and is not yet five ? The moon. 
 
 Who first introduced salt pork into the 
 Navy? Noah, when he took Ham into the 
 ark. 
 
 Why was Noah obliged to stoop on en- 
 tering the ark? Because, although the ark 
 was high, Noah was a higher ark 
 (Hierarch). 
 
 In what place did the cock crow so loud 
 jhat all the world heard him? In the ark. 
 
 Which animal took most luggage into the 
 ark, and which the least? The elephant, 
 who had his trunk; while the fox and the 
 cock had pnly a brush and a comb between 
 ihem. 
 
24 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Who was the greatest financier of early- 
 times? Noah, — he floated his stock when 
 all the world was in liquidation. 
 
 Where did Noah strike the first nail in 
 the ark? On the head. 
 
 What was Noah busy about in the ark? 
 Preserving pairs. 
 
 Where did Noah keep his bees? In the 
 Archives. 
 
 How do we know that Noah had beer in 
 the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with 
 hops, and the bear was always Bruin. 
 
 What did the cat say when she looked out 
 of the window of the ark? Is that Ararat? 
 
 In what order did Noah come from the 
 ark? He came forth. 
 
 When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? 
 When he slept with his forefathers. 
 
 Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the 
 pit? They thought that it was a good open- 
 ing for the young man. 
 
 Where is the theater mentioned in the 
 Bible? Where Joseph left the family circle 
 and went into the pit. 
 
 Who had the first free entrance into a 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 25' 
 
 theater? Joseph, when he got into the pit 
 for nothing. 
 
 What person in the Bible died a death 
 that no one else ever died — and a part of 
 whose shroud is on every dining table? 
 Lot's wife. 
 
 What did Lot do when his wife turned to 
 salt? Got a fresh one. 
 
 What scene in the life of Moses, the law- 
 giver, reminds us of a gladiatorial show at 
 iRome? The bulrushes. 
 
 Why was Moses the wickedest man that 
 ever lived? Because he broke all the Ten 
 Commandments at once. 
 
 Where are bank checks mentioned in the 
 Bible ? Pharaoh got a check on the bank of 
 the Red Sea — crossed by Moses and Co. 
 
 Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a 
 broker? Because she drew a little prophet 
 from the rushes on the bank. 
 
 What was Pharaoh's chief objection to 
 Moses? He found him more plague than 
 prophet. 
 
 How do we know that there was a panic 
 -in the early days of Moses? Because there 
 
26 HANDBOQK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and 
 Pharaoh's daughter withdrew a valuable de- 
 posit. 
 
 Why do we assume that Moses wore a 
 wig? Because sometimes he was seen with 
 Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. 
 
 If you were to throw a white stone into 
 the Red Sea, what would it become? Wet. 
 
 Who were the first mathematicians men- 
 tioned in the Bible? The Children of Israel, 
 who multiplied upon the face of the earth. 
 
 What is the difference between the ancient 
 Israelites and modern washstands? The 
 former had hewers of wood and drawers of 
 water; the latter have ewers of water and 
 drawers of wood. 
 
 Why would it be Impossible to starve in 
 the desert of Sahara? Because of the 
 sandwiches (sand which is) there. 
 
 How did the sandwiches get there ? When 
 Ham was sent there with his followers, who 
 were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), 
 and when Lot's wife was turned into a pillar 
 of salt, all but-ter (but her) went into the 
 desert. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 27 
 
 Who was the oldest man that ever lived, 
 yet who died before his father did? Methu- 
 selah : his father Enoch did not die, but was 
 translated. 
 
 If Richard Jones were milking a cow too 
 quickly, what ancient name would that ani- 
 mal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, 
 Dick). 
 
 What man had no father? Joshua, the 
 son of Nun. 
 
 Who took the first newspapers? Cain 
 took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua counter- 
 manded the Sun. 
 
 Why was the giant Goliath very much as- 
 tonished when David hit him with a stone? 
 Because such a thing had never entered his 
 head before. 
 
 How many soft-boiled eggs could the 
 giant Goliath eat upon an empty stomach? 
 One, after which his stomach was not empty. 
 
 What ancient king was often literally In 
 his contemporaries' mouth? Agag. 
 
 What is the difference between Solomon 
 iand Rothschild? The one was king of the 
 Jews, the other Jew of the kings. 
 
28 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Where did the Witch of Endor live — and 
 end-her days? At Endor. 
 
 Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? 
 Absalom. 
 
 In what tongue did Balaam's donkey 
 speak? Probably in he-bray-ic. 
 
 Why would Samson have made an excel- 
 lent actor? Because he could so easily bring 
 down the house. 
 
 Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday 
 like Nebuchadnezzar in his debased condi- 
 tion? Because it was my tumbler (might 
 humbler) . 
 
 What is the difference between NineveE 
 and a donkey-boy? One is in Assyria, the 
 other is an ass-hurryer. 
 
 Who was the first unfortunate speculator? 
 Jonah, because he got taken in. 
 
 What did the whale gain in the little 
 transaction between him and Jonah? The 
 whale got all the prophet. 
 
 Why was the whale which swallowed 
 Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an 
 independence? Because he took a great 
 profit (prophet) out of the water. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS zg 
 
 How did Jonah feel when the whale was 
 going to swallow him ? Down in the mouth 
 — as if he was going to blubber. 
 
 What divine law did the whale obey when 
 he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was a stranger 
 and he took him in. 
 
 Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that 
 brought him up. 
 
 Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from 
 the modern theologians? Because while he 
 disagreed with the whale, they disagree 
 about him. 
 
 Why was John the Baptist like a penny? 
 Because he was one cent (sent). 
 
 Who won the first horse race In the Bible? 
 Herodias' daughter when she got a head of 
 John the Baptist on a charger. 
 
 When is a policeman like the good Samari- 
 tan? When he comes out of some area 
 (Samaria). 
 
 Which are the two smallest things men- 
 tioned in the Scripture? The widow's mite, 
 and the wicked flee. 
 
 Why is a good wife like the devil ? While 
 the husbandman sleepeth, she seweth (sow- 
 leth) tears (tares). 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 Historical Conundrums 
 
 There has been but one king crowned iii 
 England since the conquest. What king was 
 he? James I. He was King of Scotland be- 
 fore he was King of England. 
 
 When Louis Philippe was deposed, why 
 did he lose less than any of his subjects? 
 Because, while he lost only a cjcown, they lost 
 a sovereign. 
 
 Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like 
 a wager which is neither lost nor won? Be- 
 cause it is a drawn Bet. 
 
 What Egyptian official would a little boy 
 mention if he were to call his mother to the 
 window to see something wonderful? 
 " Mammy, lookl " (Mameluke). 
 
 What young ladies won the battle of Sala- 
 /nis? The Miss Tocles (Themistocles). 
 
 Who was the most wretched of all the: 
 30 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 311 
 
 murderers of Julius Cssar? The miserable 
 Cinna (sinner). 
 
 What is the difference between the Em- 
 peror of Russia and a beggar? One issues 
 manifestoes; the other manifests toes with- 
 out 'is shoes. 
 
 Why is the Emperor of Russia like d 
 greedy schoolboy on Christmas Day? Be- 
 cause he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and 
 longs for Turkey. 
 
 Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? 
 Because it is one of the great composers of 
 modern times. 
 
 Why was William Tell like a post? Be- 
 cause they couldn't get a bough out of him. 
 
 The name of what character in history 
 would a person mention in asking the servant 
 to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great 
 (fill up the grate). 
 
 Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? 
 Because the last thing he did was to die for 
 his country, and that is about the last thing 
 the volunteers intend doing. 
 
 Why did the population of Rome decrease 
 just before the fall of the empire ? Because 
 
32 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 the Romans had ceased to practice hus- 
 bandry. 
 
 When Charles I was beheaded, of what 
 dish did the executioner dine, and where? 
 He took a chop at the King's Head. 
 
 Why ought Charles I to have preferred 
 burning to decapitation? Because a hot 
 steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold 
 chop. 
 
 Why did the Highlanders do most execu- 
 tion at Waterloo? Because every man had 
 one kilt before the battle began. 
 
 Why are the Royal Academicians the 
 greatest swells ever known? Because Solo- 
 mon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d 
 (arrayed) like one of these. 
 
 What piece of music did the Romans, at 
 the time of the early Christians, most enjoy? 
 A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater). 
 
 If a nice plump Member of Parliament 
 were eaten uncooked by savages, why would 
 he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he 
 would be served as an M. P. raw (em- 
 peror) . 
 
 Why is the list of celebrated musical com- 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 33 
 
 posers like a saucepan? Because it Is incom- 
 plete without a Handel, 
 
 When was Napoleon I most shabbily 
 dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). 
 
 What was once the most fashionable cap 
 in Paris? The mob — ^without a crown. 
 
 In what respects were the governments of 
 Algiers and Malta as different as light from 
 darkness? The one was governed by deys, 
 the other by knights. 
 
 Why is the Delaware River like an ink- 
 stand? Because Penn was the first man who 
 entered it. 
 
 Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf 
 in Rome? Because he thought it a good 
 opening for a young man. 
 
 What were the odds at the battle of Ali- 
 wal? They were six (Sikhs) and we (the 
 English) one (won). 
 
 What Indian battle tried the metal (met- 
 tle) of the English soldiers? The battle of 
 Assay (e). 
 
 Who is the first little boy mentioned by a 
 single word in the history of England? 
 Chap. I. 
 
34 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Who was the first postman? Cadmus. 
 He carried letters from Phoenicia to Greece. 
 
 Where was Humboldt going when he was 
 thirty-nine years old? Into his fortieth 
 year. 
 
 What three letters give the name of a fa- 
 mous Roman general? C P O (Scipio). 
 
 Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his 
 umbrella when he left Paris? Just as he 
 left the rain (reign) was over. 
 
 Why are the English the worst judges of 
 cattle in the world? Because the Pope sent 
 them a bull and they thought it a bore 
 (boar). 
 
 If you wish a very religious man to go to 
 sleep, by what imperial name should you ad- 
 dress him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon). 
 
 Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheap- 
 est ever erected? Because it was built for 
 one sovereign — and finished for another. 
 
 Why is it only natural that the memory of 
 Guy Fawkes should be execrated? Because 
 he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, 
 and they are wretchedly slow. 
 
 Show that a simple typographical error 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 35 
 
 was the cause of the defeats of the poor 
 Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, 
 and got reverses. 
 
 Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient 
 Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole 
 on). 
 
 Why should Columbus be classed among 
 astronomers rather than among explorers? 
 Because he dicovered a whole New World. 
 
 What's the difference between a middle- 
 aged cooper and a trooper of the Middle 
 Ages? The one is used to put a head on 
 his cask, the other used to put a cask 
 (casque) on his head. 
 
 What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, 
 for is it not an F I G (effigy) ? 
 
 How is it England and Russia conjointly 
 govern the ocean? Because England rules 
 the waves, and Russia the serfs. 
 
 What was the difference between Shake- 
 speare and Queen Elizabeth? One was a 
 wonder, the other a Tudor. 
 
 What Tory do the Whigs want on their 
 side ? Vic-tory. 
 
 It went before Queen Mary, it followed 
 
36 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 King William to the end? The letter " m." 
 
 Who caught the fossil fishes? The geo- 
 logical fissures (fishers^- 
 
 Why was the Shah of Persia, during his 
 visit to England, the best card-player in the 
 world? Because the swells gave up their 
 clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and 
 the ladies were within an ace of losing their 
 hearts, when he came to show his diamonds. 
 
 Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic 
 robin? The Diet of Wurms did not agree 
 with him. 
 
 When was beef-tea introduced into Eng- 
 land? When Henry VIII dissolved the 
 Pope's bull. 
 
 Why could not Napoleon III insure his 
 life? Because no man living was able to 
 make out his policy. 
 
 What is the difEerence between two cele- 
 brated Saxon leaders of the fifth century and 
 two others famous in these days? The 
 former were Englst and Horsa, the latter 
 are engines and horses. 
 
 What celebrated battle was fought in ^ 
 dirty slum? The battle of A-gin-court, 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 37 
 
 What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills 
 in? In cider (inside her). 
 
 What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid 
 of Orleans. 
 
 What did they find under the Maine? A 
 horse's neck. 
 
 What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's 
 motto? Give a dog a good name and — 
 hang him. 
 
 Some one mentioning that " columba " was 
 the Latin for a " dove," it gave rise to the 
 following: What is the difference between 
 the Old World and the New? The former 
 was discovered by Columba, who started 
 from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who 
 started from Ge-noa. 
 
 What is the difference between Kossuth 
 and a half-starved countryman? One is a 
 native of Hungary, the other is a hungry na- 
 tive. 
 
 Who may be said to have had the largest 
 family in America? George Washington, 
 for he was the father of his country. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 Conundrums of the Civil War 
 Period 
 
 Why does our army differ from the army 
 of the Revolution? Because in one case the 
 army is bound to defend Washington, in the 
 other Washington was bound to defend the 
 army. 
 
 Why is the Republican Party like a cele- 
 brated English ruler of the seventeenth cen- 
 tury, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? 
 Because it breaks asunder the chains of des- 
 potism and adds a link on (A. Lincoln) to 
 history. 
 
 Why is an owl in the daylight like the Pres- 
 ident of the United States? Because he is 
 a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln). 
 
 Why is one of the new Treasury notes like 
 a young lady's love letter? Because it is the 
 acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) 
 38 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 39 
 
 to which an unusual amount of interest is at- 
 tached. 
 
 Why is the American Union a puzzle to 
 the most profound astronomers? Because 
 some of Its " stars " have gone, and they can- 
 not predict their return. 
 
 Why is General McClellan like the Estab- 
 lished Church? Because he governs by 
 Can (n) on Law. 
 
 Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water 
 like the Union? Because it will not dissolve. 
 
 Why are the shot and shell of the blockad- 
 ing squadron like lovers' vows? Because 
 they are intended for privateers (private 
 ears). 
 
 Why are American greenbacks like the 
 Jews? Because they are the product of Ab- 
 raham, and no one knows if they will ever be 
 redeemed. 
 
 Upon what guard do the New York 
 Zouaves most desire to be put? Beaure- 
 guard. 
 
 Why would the colors of our national en- 
 sign make a good dress for ladies? Because 
 they are colors that won't run. 
 
40 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are our fashionable ladies like a cer- 
 tain class of the city employees? Because 
 they may be seen by scores on a fair day 
 sweeping the streets. 
 
 In what relation does the President of the 
 United States stand to Adam? As second 
 son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel). 
 
 Why is it impossible for the government 
 to grant the request of our Southern 
 brethren? Because children in arms are 
 never left alone. 
 
 Why, when the rebels smite us upon the 
 right cheek, should we refuse to turn to- 
 wards them the left cheek also? Because 
 they have too much " cheek " already. 
 
 Why is Major General McClellan like 
 Charles Dickens? Because he is the author 
 of " Great Expectations." 
 
 Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque 
 like secrets? Because they are for pri- 
 vateers (private ears). 
 
 Why was Cain an enemy of President 
 Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L. 
 
 Why is our army like an entry clerk? Be- 
 cause it is ready to charge. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 41 
 
 Why is President Lincoln like a mariner 
 on a desolate shore? Because he looks to 
 Seward (seaward). 
 
 How does the Copyright Law affect the 
 war? It gives us the right to enter, accord- 
 ing to act of Congress, all the rebel States. 
 
 Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Be- 
 cause they have proved, by deserting their 
 flag, that they have no eye for colors. 
 
 Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras 
 like an English nobleman's mansion? Be- 
 cause there was a Butler engaged in it. 
 
 Why will Americans have more cause to 
 remember the letter S than any other letter 
 in the alphabet? Because it Is the beginning 
 of secession and the end of Jeff Davis. 
 
 Why should it not be loyal for a Union 
 lady to accept a token of regard from a lover 
 at the present time ? Because it would be re- 
 ceiving a Beauregard (beau-regard). 
 
 Why is the rebellion like the world? Be- 
 cause it is coming to an end. 
 
 Why has Mastsachusetts done more to- 
 wards the war loan than any other State? 
 Because she has sent even her Banks. 
 
42 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are two lovers pledged to each other 
 like the Federal Army before Washington? 
 Because they have lately had an engagement 
 and go in strong for the Union. 
 
 Why is a hen looking into a rotten pump- 
 kin like the Southern Confederacy? Because 
 she is trying to see seed (secede). 
 
 Why is the city of Washington like a 
 despairing old maid? Because she has 
 looked long and in vain for a Beauregard. 
 
 What one sentence expresses the wish of 
 both the Southern Confederacy and the 
 United States government? Let us alone (a 
 loan). 
 
 What route should our army take at the 
 present? The rout of the enemy. 
 
 Why is a man just knighted like a nut- 
 meg? Because he's grated. 
 
 Why are lamps like the Thames? Be- 
 cause they have lighters. 
 
 Why is a sedan chair like the world? Be- 
 cause it's between two poles. 
 
 What is the most favorable season to have 
 your letters from India? The season which 
 brings the monsoon. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 43' 
 
 How Ho you Know tKat the Queen ap- 
 proves of the penny postage? Because she 
 gives her countenance to it. 
 
 Why is the old elm on Boston Common 
 like the ladies of Boston? Because they are 
 well hooped. 
 
 How long should a lady's crinoline be 
 made ? A little over two feet. 
 
 Why are ladies who wear large crinolines 
 ugly? Because they are not even passable. 
 
 Why are washerwomen unreasonable? 
 They expect soft water when it rains hard. 
 
 Why are they the greatest of coquettes? 
 They wring men's ruffled bosoms. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 Geographical Conundrums 
 
 What would happen if a colored waiter 
 dropped a platter with a turkey upon it? 
 The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Tur- 
 key, the destruction of China, and the over- 
 flowing of Greece. 
 
 What river is that which runs between two 
 seas? The Thames — ^between Chel-sea and 
 Batter-sea. 
 
 When is the river Thames good for the 
 eyes? When it is high (eye) water. 
 
 Which are the lightest men — Scotchmen, 
 Irishmen, or Englishmen ? In Ireland there 
 are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; 
 but in England, on the Thames, there are 
 lighter men. 
 
 What city of the world do artists make the 
 most drawings of? Cork. 
 
 What islands would form a cheerful lunch- 
 
 44 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 45 
 
 eon party? Friendly, Society, a Sandwich, 
 and Madeira. 
 
 Which one of the United States is the 
 largest and most popular? The state of 
 matrimony. 
 
 Why is a young man engaged to a young 
 lady like a man sailing for a port in France? 
 Because he is bound to Havre (have her). 
 
 How many young ladies does it take to 
 reach from New York to Philadelphia? 
 About one hundred, because a Miss is as 
 good as a mile. 
 
 Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Be- 
 cause it's the Holy Land (whole island). 
 
 If a man and his wife go to Europe to- 
 gether, what is the difference in their mode 
 of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes 
 along. 
 
 Why are the Germans like quinine and 
 gentian? Because they are two-tonics (Teu- 
 tonics). 
 
 What is the most diffcult river on which to 
 get a boat? Arno, because there Arno 
 boats there. 
 
 Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? 
 
46 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Because each one of them is born to blubber, 
 — and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking 
 with his snows frozen. 
 
 Why was the country of Phoenicia like an 
 automobile? Beca:use it had a Tyre on its 
 border. 
 
 Why is the Empress of the French always 
 in bad company? Because she is ever sur- 
 rounded by Paris-ites. 
 
 What sea would a man like most to be in 
 on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). 
 
 How many Spanish noblemen does it take 
 to make an Englishman run? Ten-dons. 
 
 What's the difference between an Irishman 
 frozen to death and a Highlander on a moun- 
 tain-peak in January? One is kilt with the 
 cold, and the other cold with the kilt. 
 
 What county of England, if you dislike it 
 extremely, would you run the chance of be- 
 ing stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you 
 would, very naturally, Suffolk-hate when in 
 it (suffocate). 
 
 Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The 
 balloon burst. What nationality were they 
 while coming down? The one came down a 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 47 
 
 Russian (a-rushing) ; the other caught on a 
 telegraph wire and came down a Pole. 
 
 When is a tradesman at the seaside, 
 though in London? When he comes from 
 Dover to Deal. 
 
 How many cows' tails would it take to 
 reach from Boston to New York? One, if 
 it was long enough. 
 
 What is more foolish than sending coals to 
 Newcastle? Sending milk to Cowes. 
 
 Why is the map of Turkey like a frying- 
 pan? Because it has Greece (grease) at the 
 bottom. 
 
 Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, 
 London, like Ireland? Because there is a 
 bell fast in it (Belfast). 
 
 What part of a bag of grain is like a Kus- 
 sian soldier? A coarse-sack (Cossack). 
 
 Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the 
 pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? Because 
 he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or 
 not (Juggernaut). 
 
 Why is a dissipated young man like Ber- 
 lin, the capital of Germany? Because he Is 
 always on a Spree. 
 
48 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What nation Is It which, when allied to 
 us, becomes the very home of despair?, Tar- 
 tar-us. 
 
 Where ought children who bite their 
 fingers to be sent? To gnaw-thumb-erland 
 (Northumberland) . 
 
 Why Is a short man struggling to kiss a 
 tall woman like an Irishman going up Vesu- 
 vius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at 
 the mouth of the crater. 
 
 What Is the greatest miracle ever worked 
 In Ireland? Waking the dead. 
 
 Why Is a Welshman like a beggar? Ow- 
 ing tQ the Menal Straits through which he 
 goes. 
 
 For what reason ought a Frenchman who 
 speaks Imperfect English and an Englishman 
 who is equally unacquainted with French 
 never to converse together? To prevent 
 their using bad language. 
 
 Why Is Ireland likely to become rich? 
 Because the capital Is always Dublin (dou* 
 bllng) . 
 
 What two letters make a county in Massa- 
 chusetts? SX (Essex). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 49 
 
 Why IS the wic£ of a candle like Athens? 
 It is in the midst of grease (Greece). 
 
 Why is China a desirable country for a 
 man to select a wife in? Because he can 
 make up his mind from pickin' to choose 
 Ann (Pekin to Chusan). 
 
 What is the difference between the North 
 and South Pole? All the difference in the 
 world. 
 
 What part of Spain does your cat, sleep- 
 ing by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? 
 Cat-alone-here (Catalonia). 
 
 Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? 
 Because the ashes of the great (grate) lie 
 there. 
 
 Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese 
 idols? Because they have ears which can- 
 not hear, and eyes which cannot see. 
 
 Which one of the Seven Wonders of the 
 World are railway engines like? The coal- 
 horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes). 
 
 Why may we doubt the existence of the 
 Giants' Causeway? There are so many 
 sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of 
 them. 
 
so HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What is the difference between a certain 
 part of Africa and the shade of Hamlet's 
 father stalking in winter? One is the Gold 
 Coast, the other the cold ghost. 
 
 Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an 
 internal transport. 
 
 Why is New York City like a flash light? 
 It has a Battery. 
 
 When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? 
 When he is going to Bray. 
 
 Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is 
 'an India gent (indigent). 
 
 Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? 
 Because brevity is the sole (soul) of it. 
 
 What is a man like who is in the middle 
 of the Thames and can't swim? Like to be 
 drowned. 
 
 Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? 
 Because it is a great place for tows (toes). 
 
 Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only 
 for very old gentlemen? Because it is a see- 
 Nile (senile) thing to do. 
 
 What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Cas- 
 tile). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 51 
 
 Why is the Bank of England like a thrush ? 
 Because it often changes its notes. 
 
 Why is Canada like courtship? Because 
 it borders on the United States. 
 
 Who were the original bog-trotters ? The 
 Fen-ians. 
 
 Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Be- 
 cause it is often driven into Deal. 
 
 Why is Paris like the letter F? Because 
 it is the capital of France. 
 
 Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? 
 Because it is very often passed over. 
 
 Why do so many people in China travel 
 on foot? Because there is but one coach in 
 China (Cochin China). 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 Literary Conundrums 
 
 What American poet may be considered 
 equal to three-fifths of the poets ancient 
 and modern? Poe. 
 
 The names of which two Greek poems will 
 you mention on alluding to their author's 
 peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's 
 Odd-I-see and lU-I-add. 
 
 Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' 
 son, Achilles ? Because both have " sent 
 many souls to Hades ere their time." 
 
 What injury did the Lavinia of Thom- 
 son's " Seasons " do to young Palemon? She 
 pulled his ears and trod on his corns. 
 
 If a tough beefsteak could speak, what 
 English poet would it mention? Chaw-sir 
 (Chaucer). 
 
 Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two 
 celebrated musicians, said one was Tweedle- 
 
 52 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 53 
 
 dum, the other only Tweedledee?' If so, 
 state which of these two names was the more 
 difficult to write. Tweedledum, because he 
 wrote the other with more e's (ease). 
 
 Why was it a mistake to imagine that Rob- 
 inson Crusoe's island was uninhabited? Be- 
 cause the very first thing he saw upon landing 
 was a great swell a pitchin' into a little 
 " cove " on the shore. 
 
 What prescription is the best for a poet? 
 A composing draught. 
 
 Why is an author the most wonderful man 
 in the world? Because his tale (tail) comes 
 out of his head. 
 
 Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired 
 of novel-writing than Warren? Because 
 Bulwer wrote " Night and Morning," War- 
 ren only " Now and Then." 
 
 What author would eye-glasses and spec- 
 tacles mention to the world if they could only 
 speak? Eusebius (you see by us). 
 
 Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last 
 work? Because it's a cereal (serial) work. 
 
 When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? 
 When it's in a garden (" Enoch Arden "). 
 
54 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 How do we know Lord Byron was good- 
 tempered? Because he always kept his 
 choler (collar) down. 
 
 How can you instantly convict one of error 
 when stating who was the earliest poet? By 
 mentioning one Prior. 
 
 What was the most melancholy fact in the 
 history of Milton? That he could " recite " 
 his poems, but not re-sight himself. 
 
 Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because 
 If the ancient Scandinavians had their 
 "Skalds," we have also had our Burns. 
 
 What English poet does a mummy resem- 
 ble? Dryden (dried-'un). 
 
 What lady of the Dante family is most 
 often spoken of? Ann-dante. 
 
 Why are baldheaded men in danger of dy- 
 ing? Because " Death loves a shining 
 mark." 
 
 What poem of Hood's resembles a tremen- 
 dous Roman nose? " The Bridge of Sighs " 
 (the bridge of size). 
 
 Why was Dickens a greater writer than 
 Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote well, but 
 Dickens wrote WeUer. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 55 
 
 What proof have we that Cowper was in 
 debt? He " oh'd for a lodge in some vast 
 wilderness." 
 
 Why should the poet have expected the 
 woodman to " spare that tree? " Because he 
 thought he was a good feller (fellow) . 
 
 Why are the relics of the departed like a 
 man whose pocket has been robbed and the 
 thief escaped? Because they have both felt 
 " the touch of a vanished hand." 
 
 When is a pie like a poet? When it's 
 Browning. 
 
 What best describes and most impedes a 
 Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan (bunion). 
 
 Why are Addison's works like a looking- 
 glass? Because in them we see the "Spec- 
 tator." 
 
 Was Othello thinking of his wife when he 
 killed her? No, 's mother. 
 
 What toe would you rather kiss than thei 
 Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe. 
 
 Who was the first whistler, and what tune 
 did he whistle? The wind, — "Over the 
 Hills and Far Away." 
 
 Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? 
 
S6 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Dickens. He wrote " All the Year Round," 
 while Bulwer wrote "Night and Mom- 
 ing. 
 
 What countryman was Burns ? A Scorch- 
 man. 
 
 What change of identity did the " Beggar's 
 Opera " effect? It made Gay rich, and Rich 
 gay. 
 
 When was the greatest destruction of poul- 
 try? When King Claudius of Denmark 
 " did murder most foul." 
 
 Why are the abbreviations of degrees 
 tacked on to a man's name? To show that 
 he is a man of letters. 
 
 " Why," asked Moore, the poet, " is love 
 like a potato ? " Because It shoots from the 
 eyes, " and," added Byron, " gets less by 
 pairing." 
 
 If Falstaff had been musical what Instru- 
 ment would he have chosen after dinner? 
 The sackbut. 
 
 Why Is It almost certain that Shakespeare 
 was a broker? Because no man has fur- 
 nished so many stock quotations. 
 
 Why is a statistician like a writer of one 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 57, 
 
 of the Six Best Sellers? Because he is the 
 author of well-figured fiction. 
 
 Why are Parliamentary reports called 
 "Blue Books?" Because they are never 
 re(a)d. 
 
 Why is an architect like a, newspaper 
 writer? Because he gets so much "per col- 
 umn " for his work. 
 
 Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegeta- 
 ble? Because he was a common tatur (com- 
 mentator) . 
 
 Is there any bird which can recite the 
 " Lays of Ancient Rome? " Yes, certainly, 
 Macaw-lays. 
 
 Why cannot the Irish perform the play of 
 " Hamlet? " Because they cannot help mak- 
 ing " Aphalia " (a failure) of the heroine. 
 
 What was Othello's occupation in Venice ? 
 That of a lawyer, because he was attorney- 
 general (a tawny general). 
 
 If you took off your boot and put your 
 foot in the fire, what opera of Verdi's would 
 it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle- 
 a-toe) . 
 
 Why are unsuccessful contestants for a 
 
58 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 prize like Shakespeare? Because they have 
 made " Much Ado About Nothing." 
 
 What is the difference between living " in 
 marble halls " and aboard ship ? In the 
 former you have " vassals and serfs at your 
 side," and in the latter you have vessels and 
 surfs at your side. 
 
 Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' 
 later plots should be complicated? Because 
 one of his earlier works was all of a twist 
 (Oliver Twist). 
 
 Why have the inhabitants of the city of 
 Boston less need of foreign bards than those 
 of any other city? Because they can always 
 find poetry in their own " Holmes." 
 
 Why is a competent lawyer like a blood- 
 stone set in jet? Because he is deep read 
 (red) in Blackstone. 
 
 Names of Authors 
 
 A slang expression. Dickens. 
 
 A brighter and a smarter one. Whittier. 
 
 Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a 
 well-beloved poet you'll see. Bryant. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 59 
 
 It comes from a pig. Bacon. 
 
 II, Mark Twain. 
 
 A ten-footer whose name begins with 
 fifty. Longfellow. 
 
 Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long 
 ago. Spencer. 
 
 What is an oyster heap likely to become? 
 Shelley. 
 
 It is worn on the head. Hood. 
 
 A worker in precious metals. Goldsmith. 
 
 What is the value of a word? Words- 
 worth. 
 
 A domestic animal. Lamb. 
 
 He mends and repairs. Cooper. 
 
 Many people would like to kiss him. 
 Pope. 
 
 It pertains to a monastery. Abbott. 
 
 A domestic servant. Cook. 
 
 Which is the better playwright, William 
 Shakespeare or Brinsley Sheridan? Willis. 
 
 Part of a fish. Finley. 
 
 What the children delight in at the sea- 
 shore. Sands. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Conundrums on the Alphabet 
 
 What word is It of only three syllables 
 which combines in it twenty-six letters? 
 Alphabet. 
 
 Which word in the English language con- 
 tains the greatest number of letters? Dis- 
 proportlonableness. 
 
 What is the best bet ever made? The 
 alphabet. 
 
 When were there only two vowels? In 
 the days of No-a, before U and I were born. 
 
 When will there be but twenty-five letters 
 in the alphabet? When U and I are one. 
 
 Why is U the gayest letter in the alpha- 
 bet? Because it is always in fun. 
 
 Why is T the happiest letter in the alpha- 
 bet? Because it is next to you. 
 
 Which are the two hottest letters in the 
 alphabet? KN (cayenne). 
 60 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 6i 
 
 Why is O the most charitable letter In 
 the alphabet? Because it is found oftener 
 than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d. 
 
 Why is the letter T like matrimony?i It 
 is the end of (juiet .and the beginning of 
 trouble. 
 
 Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? 
 It converts oats into goats. 
 
 When was B the first letter of the alpha- 
 bet? In the days of No-a, 
 
 What step must I take to remove A front 
 the alphabet? B-head it. 
 
 Why is A like a honeysuckle 2 Because 
 %"B" follows it. 
 
 Why is the letter W like ? Scandal? 
 Because it makes ill will. 
 
 Why are two t's like hops ? Because they 
 make beer better. 
 
 Spell enemy in three letters. No, not 
 N M E; it's FOE. 
 
 Spell auburn locks in two letters. S and Y. 
 
 Spell brandy in three letters. B R and Y* 
 and O D V. 
 
62 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What must you add to nine to make it six? 
 S, for IX with S is six. 
 
 If you asked the alphabet to come to din- 
 ner, which letters could not accept your kind 
 invitation till later in the evening ? The last 
 six, as they couldn't come till after T. 
 
 How can you tell a girl of the name of 
 Ellen that she is everything that is delightful 
 in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-1-n. 
 
 What is that which occurs twice in a mo- 
 ment and not once in a thousand years?, 
 The letter M. 
 
 Why is A like twelve o'clock? Because it's 
 the middle of day. 
 
 Why is a false friend like the letter P? 
 Because, though always first in pity, he Is 
 ever last in help. 
 
 Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? 
 Because it's near O (Nero). 
 
 Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? Be- 
 cause it will make an eel feel. 
 
 What letter is that which Is invisible, but 
 never out of sight? I. 
 
 How would you express In two letters that 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 63 
 
 you were twice the bulk of your companion? 
 I W (I double you). 
 
 What two Christian names read the same 
 both ways? Hannah and Anna. 
 
 Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first 
 U in cucumber? Because it's between two 
 seas (c's). 
 
 What word is there of eight letters which 
 has five of them the same ? Oroonoko. 
 
 Why Is O the noisiest of all vowels? 
 Because you cannot make a horrid loud noise 
 Bvlthout it, whilst all the others are inaudihle. 
 
 What word contains the five vowels in 
 their order? Facetious. 
 
 Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? 
 Because it is in the center of bliss, whilst E 
 is in h^U, and all the others are in purgatory. 
 
 What must all the letters of the alphabet 
 be in order to possess infinite sagacity? 
 Wise (y's). 
 
 Yyuryyublcuryy for me. Too 
 W'ise you are, two wise you be ; I see you are 
 'too wise for me. 
 
 What are those things, which, though they 
 
64 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 appear twice in every day, and twice in every 
 week, yet are only seen twice in a year? 
 Vowels. 
 
 What letter in the alphabet is necessary to 
 make a shoe? The last. 
 
 What word of six letters admits of five 
 successive elisions, leaving at each abbrevi- 
 ation a well-known word? Brandy — brand 
 — bran — ran — an — a. 
 
 Name two English words, one of which, 
 being of one syllable only, shall contain more 
 letters than the other of five syllables? 
 Strength — Ideality. 
 
 Why is a glass-blower the most likely per- 
 son to set the alphabet off at a gallop? Be- 
 cause he can make a D-canter. 
 
 What word of six letters contains six words 
 besides itself, without transposing a letter? 
 Herein — he — her — here — ere — rein — in. 
 
 Is there a word in the English language 
 which contains all the vowels? Yes, un- 
 questionably. 
 
 Why is quizzing like the letter D dii 
 horseback? It is deriding (D riding). 
 
 When did " Chicago " begin with a " C " 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 65 
 
 and end with an " e " ? Chicago always Be- 
 gan with a " C " and end always began with 
 an " e." 
 
 There is an English word of more than 
 two letters, of which la is the middle, is 
 the beginning, and is the end, though there 
 is but one " a " and one " 1 " in the word. 
 What is it? Island, of which "la" is the 
 middle, " is " the beginning, " and " is the 
 end. 
 
 What word is there of five letters, that, 
 by taking two away, leaves but one? Stone. 
 
 What word of one syllable, if you take 
 two letters from it, remains a word of two 
 syllables? Plague; ague. 
 
 Why is the letter E a gloomy and dis- 
 contented vowel? Because, though never 
 out of health and pocket, it never appears 
 in spirits. 
 
 Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth let- 
 ters of the alphabet of more importance 
 than the others? Because we cannot get 
 ON well without them. 
 
 Why is the letter D like a squalling child? 
 Because it makes ma mad. 
 
66 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What river is ever without a beginning 
 and ending? S-ever-n. 
 
 Which is the coldest river? The Ice is 
 (Isis). 
 
 What word of ten letters can be spelled 
 with five? XPDNC (expediency). 
 
 What word of four syllables represents 
 Sin riding on a little animal? Synonymous 
 (Sin on a mouse). 
 
 Why is an island like the letter T? Be- 
 cause it is in the midst of water (wa-t-er) . 
 
 Like what four letters of the alphabet is 
 a honey-producing insect when in small 
 health? Like A B C D (a bee seedy). 
 
 Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine ? 
 Because it makes needles needless. 
 
 Why is an uncomfortable seat like com- 
 fort? Because it is devoid of e's (ease). 
 
 What two letters do boys delight in to the 
 annoyance of their elders? Two t's (to 
 tease). 
 
 What single word would you put down for 
 $40 borrowed from you? XL lent (excel- 
 lent). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 67 
 
 What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf 
 woman? A, because it makes her hear. 
 
 What word is it, which, by changing a 
 single letter, becomes its own opposite? 
 United, untied. 
 
 Why should the male sex avoid the letter 
 A? Because it makes men mean. 
 
 Why is a schoolmistress like the letter 
 C? Because she forms lasses into classes. 
 
 Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? 
 Because it is always in waiting. 
 
 Spell an interrogation with one letter. Y 
 (why?). 
 
 Why is the letter T like an amphibious 
 animal? Because it lives both in earth and 
 water. 
 
 Why is the nose on your face like the v, 
 in civUity? Because it's between two eyes 
 (i's). 
 
 Take away one letter from me, and like 
 Macbeth I murder; take away two, and I 
 probably shall die, if my whole does not save 
 me. KiU-iU-skiU. 
 
 There is a word of three syllables, from 
 
68 HANDBOQK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 which if you take away five letters a male will 
 remain ; if you take away four, a female will 
 be conspicuous; if you take away three, a 
 great man will appear; and the whole word 
 shows what Joan of Arc was? He, her, 
 hero, heroine. 
 
 What letter In the Dutch alphabet will 
 name an English lady of title ? A Dutch-S. 
 
 Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? 
 Because we can't be wed without it. 
 
 Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? 
 Because It Is the end of pork. 
 
 How do you spell " blind pig " In two let- 
 ters? P G, pig without an I. 
 
 Why is a horse like the letter O? Because 
 Gee makes It Go. 
 
 Why Is the figure 9 like a peacock? It 
 is nothing without its tail. 
 
 When is the letter L like a piece of un- 
 paralleled generosity? When It enables a 
 lady to make over a lover. 
 
 Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? 
 It Is the end of beef. 
 
 Describe a suit of old clothes in two let- 
 ters? C D (seedy). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 69 
 
 Make five less by adding to it. V, IV. 
 
 Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? 
 Because it begins and ends in sauciness. 
 
 What small animal is turned into a larger 
 one by beheading it? Fox — ox. 
 
 Why are sidewalks in winter like music? 
 If you don't C sharp, you will B flat. 
 
 Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? 
 Because she's never inconsolable. 
 
 What two letters express the most agree- 
 able people in the world? U and I. 
 
 How does the letter Y work an impossi- 
 bility? It makes a lad into a lady. 
 
 Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal 
 will be transposed into a point. Add X to 
 ape, and you obtain apex. 
 
 Why is the letter N like a pig? Because 
 It makes a sty nasty. 
 
 Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? 
 When I get to C U (see you) I forget every- 
 thing else. 
 
 Why is the letter B like a fire? Because 
 it makes oil boil. 
 
70 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is the letter R a profitable letter? 
 Because it makes ice into rice. 
 
 Why is the letter T like Easter? Because 
 it's the last of Lent. 
 
 When does a blacksmith make a row in the 
 alphabet? When he makes a poke-R and 
 shove-L. 
 
 What did the old woman say when she 
 looked into the empty flour barrel? 
 O I C U R M T. 
 
 Why did Noah object to the letter D? 
 Because it made the ark dark. 
 
 Why are stars like an old barn? Because 
 there are r, a, t, s in both. 
 
 What are the worst letters of recommen- 
 dation? I O U. 
 
 Why is the letter D like a sailor? It 
 follows the C (sea). 
 
 If I were in the sun and you out of it, 
 what would the sun become ? Sin. 
 
 I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I 
 frequently stand upon one leg; If you behead 
 me I stand upon two ; if you again decapitate 
 me I stand upon four. I shall think you are 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 71 
 
 related to me if you do not now recognize 
 me. Glass^ — lass — ass. 
 
 Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, 
 Wye, Dee. 
 
 Three letters an ode give to fame. LEG 
 (elegy). 
 
 Three letters an attribute name. NRG 
 (energy) . 
 
 Three letters a compliment claim. U X L 
 (You excel). 
 
 The beginning of eternity, 
 The end of time and space. 
 The beginning of every end. 
 The end of every race. Letter E. 
 
 One letter's a tree? U (yew). 
 One means to agree? A (aye). 
 One is to drink? T (tea). 
 One a bird, think? J (jay). 
 
 Now of letters that rhyme 
 
 You must guess them in time; 
 
 One is an Insect busy all day? B (bee). 
 
 One is a river that wends on Its way? D 
 (Dee). 
 
 One Is a slang word it is best not to say. 
 G (Gee). 
 
 These two letters are not at all hard? 
 E Z (easy). 
 
72 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 These letters form a literary composition. 
 SA (essay). 
 
 These letters will decompose? D K (de- 
 cay) . 
 
 These letters form a material to wear? 
 P K (pique). 
 
 These letters do the best of all? XL 
 (excel). 
 
 These letters form a tree? L M (elm). 
 
 The meaning of these letters is not full? 
 MT (empty). 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 General Conundrums 
 
 Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Be- 
 cause it is first cradled, then threshed, and 
 afterward becomes the flower of the family. 
 
 What is it that is queer about flowers? 
 They shoot before they have pistils. 
 
 What is the worst thing to catch afire? 
 Nothing. 
 
 Why is a man who has parted from his bed 
 like one obliged to keep it? He is bed- 
 ridden. 
 
 What is the oldest coupler in use? The 
 wedding ring. 
 
 Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Be- 
 cause they make the butterfly. 
 
 What is the difference between a mouse 
 and a young lady? The one harms the 
 cheese, the other charms the " he's." 
 
 When is a man thinner than a lath? 
 When he is a-shaving. 
 
 73 
 
74 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon- 
 wheel? Because she is surrounded by fel- 
 loes (fellows). 
 
 Of what religious persuasion is the sea? 
 A Quaker — for it has a broad brim. 
 
 Though I dance at a ball, yet am I noth- 
 ing at all. A shadow. 
 
 What is that which, though black itself, 
 enlightens the world? Ink. 
 
 When is a sailor not a sailor? When 
 he's a-board. 
 
 What is the difference between a chess- 
 player and an habitual toper? One watches 
 the pawn, the other pawns the watch. 
 
 Which animal is the heaviest in all cre- 
 ation? A le(a)d horse. 
 
 What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? 
 For-tune, made up of bank-notes. 
 
 Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his 
 fortune, like the water in a filter? Because 
 he soon runs through it, and leaves many 
 matters behind to settle. 
 
 Why is English grammar like gowt? Be- 
 cause it's torture (taught yer). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 75 
 
 Why is an office with no work to do like a 
 good dinner eaten by an invalid? Because 
 it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure). 
 
 Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Be- 
 cause he polishes the understandings of his 
 patrons. 
 
 Why is opening a letter like taking a very 
 queer method of entering a room? Be- 
 cause it is breaking through the sealing 
 (ceiling). 
 
 Why are persons with short memories 
 like office-holders? Because they are al- 
 ways for-getting everything. 
 
 What word is it which expresses two 
 things we men all wish to get, one bringing 
 the other, but which if we do get them, the 
 one bringing the other, we are unhappy? 
 Miss-fortune. 
 
 When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When 
 in a hog's head. 
 
 Why is a joint company not like a watch? 
 Because it does not go after it is wound up. 
 
 When may a man be said to be personally 
 involved? When he is wrapped up in him- 
 self. 
 
76 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What wind should a hungry sailor wish 
 for? One that blows fowl and chops about. 
 
 Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Be- 
 cause they have to scratch for a living. 
 
 Why do British soldiers never run away? 
 Because they belong to the standing army. 
 
 What part of a car resembles a person? 
 The wheel, because it is tired. 
 
 On which side of a pitcher is the handle? 
 The outside. 
 
 When may a chair be said to dislike you? 
 When it can't bear you. 
 
 What is that which divides by uniting and 
 unites by dividing? The scissors. 
 
 Why are young children like castles In the 
 air? Because their existence is only in-fancy. 
 
 Why is a proud girl like a music book? 
 She is full of airs. 
 
 Why is a short negro like a white man? 
 Because he is not at all black (not a tall 
 black). 
 
 Why are bells the most obedient of inani- 
 mate things? Because they make a noise 
 whenever they are told (tolled). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 77 
 
 Why is the most discontented man the 
 most easily satisfied? Nothing satisfies him. 
 
 Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like 
 thieves? They ought to be taken up. 
 
 Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for 
 cheating us? We call them to take us in. 
 
 Why are weary people like carriage 
 wheels? Because they are tired. 
 
 Why does a tall man eat less than a short 
 man? Because he makes a little go a long 
 way. 
 
 What is the dryest subject? The mummy. 
 
 When are candles and women most alike ? 
 When sputtering. 
 
 Why are confectioners so much sought 
 for? Because they serve kisses. 
 
 How many sides has a pitcher? Two, in- 
 side and outside. 
 
 What is wind like in a storm? Like to 
 blow your hat off. 
 
 What is the difference between an honest 
 and dishonest laundress? One irons your 
 linen, the other steals it. 
 
 When is a policeman very like a rain- 
 
78 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 beau? When he appears after the storm 
 is over. 
 
 Where are we most likely to find the sky 
 blue? The nearer we go to the Milky Way. 
 
 What is the difference between a wealthy 
 toper and a skillful miner? One turns his 
 gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz 
 into gold. 
 
 Why is an orange like a church steeple? 
 Because we have a peel from it. 
 
 Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer 
 of a hypocrite? Because it's a solemn sound 
 from a thoughtless tongue. 
 
 Why Is a shoemaker like a true lover? 
 Because he's faithful to the last. 
 
 What is the difference between a honey- 
 comb and a honeymoon? One is made up 
 of a lot of little cells, the other is one enor- 
 mous sell only. 
 
 Why is the crabbed old bachelor who 
 made the above conundrum like a harp 
 struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted 
 lyre. 
 
 When is truth not truth any longer? 
 When it lies at the bottom of a well. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 79 
 
 What should a clergyman preach about? 
 About a quarter of an hour. 
 
 When is a man's pastor really and truly 
 his brother? When he's his pa's son (par- 
 son). 
 
 What is the best way to hide a bear; it 
 doesn't matter how big he is — the bigger the 
 better? Skin him. 
 
 Why are sentries like day and night? Be- 
 cause when one comes the other goes. 
 
 When does the eagle turn carpenter? 
 When he soars (saws) the woods — and 
 plains. 
 
 Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee 
 like? An axe with a dull edge, because it 
 must be ground before it can be used. 
 
 Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Be- 
 cause it is making use of flash language. 
 
 Why is a spider a good correspondent? 
 Because he drops a line by every post. 
 
 What is the difference between a corre- 
 spondent and a corespondent? One is a man 
 who does write (right), and the other a 
 man who does wrong. 
 
8o HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What kind of servants are best for hotels? 
 The inn-experienced. 
 
 What sort of a day would be a good one 
 to run for a cup? A muggy one. 
 
 Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? 
 Because the more you lick them the faster 
 they go. 
 
 Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid 
 waistcoat? To keep a check on his stomach. 
 
 When a church is burning, what is the only 
 part that runs no chance of being saved? 
 The organ, because the engine can't play 
 upon it. 
 
 When are sheep stationery? When turned 
 into pens, and into paper when folded. 
 
 What key in music will make a good of- 
 ficer? A Sharp Major. 
 
 What is the key-note to good manners? 
 B Natural. 
 
 In what key should a declaration of love 
 be made? Be mine, ah! (B Minor). 
 
 Why do teetotalers run such a slight rlslc 
 of drowning? Because they are so accus- 
 tomed to keep their noses above water. 
 
HANDBOOK OE CONUNDRUMS 8i 
 
 What kind of a cravat would a hog be 
 most likely to choose ? A pigs-tye, of course. 
 
 Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? 
 Because she's empty, yet full of bounce. 
 
 When is a butcher a thorough thief? 
 When he steals a knife and cuts away with 
 it. 
 
 Why is a field of grass like a person older 
 than yourself? Because it's past-your-age 
 (pasturage). 
 
 If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where 
 should he go to supply the deficiency? To 
 a grog shop, because there bad spirits are 
 retailed. 
 
 What sense pleases you most in an un- 
 pleasant acquaintance? Absence. 
 
 Why is an abstract of a lecture like a senti- 
 mental boy and girl kissing? Because It's a 
 syllabus (silly buss). 
 
 Why is a pictorial riddle like a second 
 kiss? Because it's a rebus (re-buss). 
 
 Why is the latest thing In a fashionable 
 gown like the South African bushman's 
 club? Because it's "perfectly stunning." 
 
 Why is a department store like a country 
 
82 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 sewing circle? Because it has so many no- 
 tions. 
 
 Why is a music teacher like a baseball 
 coach ? Because he frequently says, " Try 
 that last run over again." 
 
 What is the difference between a bright 
 scholar and shoe polish? One shines at the 
 head, the other at the foot. 
 
 What is a better investment the worse it 
 is? A tenement. 
 
 When does a musician fail? When he is 
 unable to discount his notes. 
 
 Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in soli- 
 tary confinement? Because he has too much 
 time on his hands. 
 
 When is a doctor like a cross-tempered 
 man? When he is losing his patients. 
 
 Under what circumstances are a builder 
 and a newspaper reporter equally likely to 
 fail? When they make up stories without 
 foundations. 
 
 Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? 
 Because his mind is always on the rack, and 
 his only consolation is woe (whoa I) . 
 
 Why is a good joke like the modern ballot 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 83 
 
 box? Because It is the greatest repeater 
 Jcnown to history. 
 
 Why is a dressmaker braver than an 
 ^ctor? Because she Is not afraid of the 
 hoolL 
 
 Why is the aspiring poet about to ap- 
 proach an editor with his verses like a con- 
 sumptive? Because he's going into a de- 
 cline. 
 
 Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Be- 
 cause he always appears well dressed. 
 
 Why should a candle-maker never be 
 pitied? Because all his works are wicked, 
 and all his wicked works, when brought to 
 light, are only made light of. 
 
 How would you increase the speed of a 
 very slow boat? Make her fast. 
 
 Why Is matrimony like an invested city? 
 Because when we are out of It we wish to 
 be in It, and when we are in it we wish to 
 be out of It. 
 
 Why is a person of short stature like an 
 almanac? Because he is often looked over 
 or over-looked. 
 
 Why Is a certain kind of coach like the ex- 
 
,84 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 elusive option on a certain girl's kisses? Be- 
 cause it's an omnibus. 
 
 Why are seasick excursionists like a strong 
 opposition in Congress? Because they are 
 opposed to the motion. 
 
 Why is the aeronaut whose airship plows 
 into the earth like a successful speculator? 
 Because he has taken a flier in real estate. 
 
 Why are airship inventors like musicians? 
 Because they bend all their energies to the 
 conquest of the air. 
 
 Why are the speeches of an orator Heard 
 through a phonograph like the State House 
 dome? Because they are hollow but illumi- 
 nating. 
 
 Why is a discredited politician like an un- 
 popular dentist? Because each has lost his 
 pull. 
 
 Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? 
 Because they propagate. 
 
 Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? 
 Because it's all powder and puff. 
 
 Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? 
 Because we can't enjoy It without crackers. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS S$ 
 
 Why ought women to be employed in a 
 post-office ? Because they know how to man- 
 age the mails (males). 
 
 Why do the recriminations of married 
 couples resemble the sound of waves on the 
 shore? Because they are murmurs of the 
 tied (tide). 
 
 What have you now before you which 
 would give you a company, a veiled lady, and 
 a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum. 
 
 Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep 
 liable to arrest? Because she is engaged in 
 a kid-napping project. 
 
 What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, 
 because the advertisements of it read con- 
 stantly, "Horehound drops lO cents a lb." 
 
 Why does a rich lady act prudently by 
 marrying a penniless man? Because she 
 husbands her resources. 
 
 Why should a straw hat never be raised to 
 a lady? Because, no matter how much you 
 raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it- is 
 never felt. 
 
 When is a wall like a fish? When it is 
 scaled. 
 
86 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps 
 to believe in the existence of young ladies? 
 Because he calls every Miss a Myth. 
 
 Why is a specimen of handwriting like a 
 dead pig? Because it is done with the 
 pen. 
 
 Why are good intentions like fainting 
 ladies? Because all they want is carrying 
 out. 
 
 What is it we all frequently say we will 
 do and no one has ever yet done? Stop a 
 minute. 
 
 Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? 
 Because he must take it off its guard. 
 
 Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a 
 true convert? Because its turning is the re- 
 sult of conviction. 
 
 Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable 
 one to follow? Because, by conducting it 
 with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than 
 most others, and all his drafts (draughts) 
 are paid. 
 
 Why is the inside of everything mysteri- 
 ous? Because we can't make it out. 
 
 What is that which a woman frequently 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 87 
 
 gives her lovely countenance to, yet never 
 takes kindly? The small-pox. 
 
 Why. is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of 
 111 events? Because it is an auger-ill. 
 
 What Is the strongest day? Sunday, be- 
 cause all of the others are " week" days. 
 
 What is the best way to make the hours go 
 fast? Use the spur of the moment. 
 
 Why Is the proprietor of a balloon like a 
 phantom? Because he's an airy-naught 
 (aeronaut). 
 
 Why Is a fool in a high station like a man 
 In a balloon? Because everybody appears 
 little to him, and he appears little to every- 
 body. 
 
 Why is an old coat like Iron? Because It 
 IS a specimen of hard-ware. 
 
 Why Is a leaky barrel like a coward? Be- 
 cause it runs. 
 
 If a man attempts to jump a ditch and 
 falls, why Is he likely to miss the beauties of 
 summer? Because the fall follows right 
 after the spring, unless he makes a summer- 
 set between them. 
 
 What does an Iron-clad vessel of war, with 
 
88 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 four inches of steel plating and all its guns 
 on board, weigh just before starting on a 
 cruise? She weighs anchor. 
 
 Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? 
 Because she brings in the close (clothes) of 
 the week. 
 
 When is it a good thing to lose your tem- 
 per? When it is a bad one. 
 
 Why should a man never marry a woman 
 named Ellen? Because he rings his own 
 (k)nell. 
 
 What is it which covers a multitude of 
 sin(ner)s? The gravestone. 
 
 Why is a vessel being blown out to sea 
 like a bankrupt householder? Because both 
 submit to a forced sail. 
 
 Why is a rooster on a fency like a penny? 
 Because his head's on one side and tail's on 
 the other. 
 
 What is the military definition of a kiss? 
 A report at headquarters. 
 
 Why are washerwomen foolish people? 
 Because they put out their tubs to catch soft 
 water when it rains hard. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 89 
 
 What Is smaller than a mite's mouth? 
 What goes into it. 
 
 Why is love always represented as a child? 
 Because he never reaches the age of discre- 
 tion. 
 
 Why is a man hanged better than a vaga- 
 bond? Because he has a visible means of 
 support. 
 
 What is the difference between photogra- 
 phy and whooping-cough? The one makes 
 facsimiles, the other sick families. 
 
 Why is a dog like a man four feet ten 
 inches tall? Because he stands over four 
 feet. 
 
 Why does the mayor order the saloons 
 closed after a great fire? That the people 
 may not try to drown their losses. 
 
 What is it which more people lie under 
 than upon? The gravestone. 
 
 What is it that opens to all comers, adver- 
 tises only the doctors, and yet is good for 
 everything that ails you ? The grave. 
 
 Why is a bride, weary of her apartment 
 home, like a wrecked automobile? They've 
 both got flat tire. 
 
90 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is a gardener like a detective-story 
 writer? Because he works up his plot. 
 
 Why is a widower in love again like a good 
 gardener? Because he immediately removes 
 his weeds. 
 
 Why can the weight of an illuminating 
 argument never be accurately determined? 
 Because as the hearer weighs the words the 
 scales fall from his eyes. 
 
 How does the surgeon, whose bill for an 
 operation has been delayed by executors, re- 
 semble his deceased patient? He feels ter- 
 ribly cut up. 
 
 How does the cavalryman whose horse 
 has thrown him differ from the faithful or- 
 derly? He obeys orders from hind quar- 
 ters, while the orderly obeys orders from 
 headquarters. 
 
 What is the best place to sow wild oats? 
 Near a bank. 
 
 Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? 
 Because he can make you a-light. 
 
 Why is an automobilist who exceeds the 
 speed limit like a social reprobate? Because 
 he's too fast. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 91 
 
 Why is the divorce court like certain news- 
 papers? Because it has a matrimonial co- 
 respondents' (correspondence) section. 
 
 What is the longest word in the English 
 language? Smiles, because it has a mile be- 
 tween its first and last letters. 
 
 Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a 
 pound of feathers? A pound of feathers, 
 which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound 
 of gold is a pound troy. 
 
 What is the first thing you do when you 
 get into bed? You make an impression. 
 
 Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Be- 
 cause twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is 
 twenty-two (too). 
 
 Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright- 
 laughing-eye no better than an eye destroyed? 
 Because it's an-eye-elated. 
 
 That which every one requires, that which 
 every one gives, that which every one asks, 
 and that which very few take? Advice. 
 
 When is a thief like a reporter? When 
 he takes notes. 
 
 When is a nation like a baby? When It is 
 In arms. 
 
92 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What does the lamp post become when the 
 lamp is removed? A lamp lighter. 
 
 Why is a mother who spoils her child like 
 a person building castles in the air? She 
 indulges in-fancy too much. 
 
 When you listen to your little brother's 
 drum, why are you like a just judge? Be- 
 cause you hear both sides. 
 
 What is the action of the moon? It af- 
 fects physically the tide, and sentimentally 
 the untied. 
 
 Why is a father who frequently thrashes 
 his boy likely to be prosecuted? Because he 
 exerts undue influence in the making of a will. 
 
 How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt 
 now travel ? By ex-Pres. 
 
 Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical 
 convalescent? Because he's been operated 
 on. 
 
 Why is the humiliated braggart like the 
 small boy who has drunk the washing fluid? 
 Because he has swallowed the lye. 
 
 Why is the fresh young upstart like an 
 aerial postman? Because he's up and com- 
 ing. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS gj 
 
 Why Is an elevator man like an aeronaut?, 
 Because his life Is all ups and downs. 
 
 What is the coldest place In an opera 
 house? Z row. 
 
 What will eventually change the size of 
 the auto? The demand for more gauge 
 (mortgage) which the present fad creates. 
 
 Why Is the nurse of an Insane ward like 
 a popular opera star? Because everybody's 
 crazy about him. 
 
 Why do love letters have a financial 
 value? Because they are promissory notes. 
 
 When are words musical? When they 
 have a ring to them. 
 
 When Is a woman a live wire? When 
 she's shocking. 
 
 Why Is It easy to practice rotation of crops 
 on the prairies? Because of the frequency 
 of whirlwinds there. 
 
 Why is an astronomer like a theatrical 
 manager? Because he's always looking for 
 new stars. 
 
 Why is an airship bequeathed you by your 
 father like the portrait of an ancestor? Be- 
 cause it is a family heirloom. 
 
94 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is a lady's arm not a, lady's arm? 
 When it is a little bare. 
 
 When is a fish above its station? When 
 it rises and takes a fly. 
 
 When is a boy not a boy? When he is a 
 regular brick. 
 
 When is a piece of wood like a queen? 
 When it is made into a ruler. 
 
 When is a skein of thread like the root of 
 an oak? When it is full of knots. 
 
 What is that which has a mouth but never 
 speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it? A 
 river. 
 
 Why should you never have a tailor who 
 does not understand his trade? Because you 
 would get bad habits from him. 
 
 What is the difference between a sailor 
 and a soldier? One tars his ropes, the other 
 pitches his tent. 
 
 Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? 
 Falsehood. 
 
 What is the best thing to make in a hurry? 
 Haste. 
 
 Why are cobblers like a famous physician? 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 95 
 
 They are skilled in the art of healing (heel- 
 ing). 
 
 What pen ought never to be used for writ- 
 ing? A sheep pen. 
 
 When is a subject beneath one's notice? 
 When it is under consideration. 
 
 Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? 
 He knows the value of his sovereign. 
 
 When is a bill not a bill ? When it is dew. 
 
 What is the proper newspaper for in- 
 valids? The Weekly News. 
 
 When is a pint of milk not a pint? When 
 It's condensed. 
 
 What tune makes everybody glad? For- 
 tune. 
 
 What is it that has four legs and only 
 one foot? A bedstead. 
 
 Why is attar of roses never moved with- 
 out orders? Because it is sent wherever it 
 goes. 
 
 What goes most against a farmer's grain? 
 His reaper. 
 
 What precious stone is like the entrance to; 
 a field? A-gate. 
 
96 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is a man like frozen rain? When 
 he is hale (hail). 
 
 Which of the stars should be subject to the 
 game laws? Shooting stars. 
 
 What garden crop would save draining? 
 Leeks. 
 
 When does a cook break the game laws? 
 When she poaches eggs. 
 
 When is a river like a young lady? When 
 it is crossed. 
 
 Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? 
 Because he often feels a great deal bored. 
 
 When does a donkey weigh least? When 
 he is within the pound. 
 
 What is the last blow a defeated ship gives 
 in battle? Striking her own flag. 
 
 What had better be done when there is a 
 great rent on a farm? It had better be sewn 
 (sown). 
 
 Why should onions be planted near the 
 potatoes in a garden? So that the onions 
 may have a tear-producing effect upon the 
 eyes of the potatoes and make them self- 
 irrigating. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 97 
 
 Why may not the proprietor of a forest 
 fell his own timber? Because no one is al- 
 lowed to cut when it is his own deal. 
 
 What is the oldest piece of furniture in the 
 world? The multiplication table. 
 
 Which is the greatest number, six dozen 
 Hozen or half a dozen dozen? Six dozen 
 dozen, of course. 
 
 What is that which, the more you take 
 from it, the larger it grows? A hole. 
 
 If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what 
 blessing would it invoke ? A bee-attitude. 
 
 Why is a blockhead deserving of promo- 
 tion? Because he is equal to any post. 
 
 Why Is an artist stronger than a horse? 
 Because he can draw Windsor Castle all by 
 himself, and take it clean away in his pocket 
 if necessary. 
 
 Why is money often moist? Because it Is 
 frequently dew in the morning, and mist at 
 night. 
 
 Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? 
 Because they lie first on one side, and then 
 on the other, and remain wide awake all the 
 time. 
 
98 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 And what do they do when they die ? Lie 
 still. 
 
 When is a lawyer like a donkey? When 
 drawing a conveyance. 
 
 What proverb must a lawyer not act up 
 to ? He must not take the will for the deed. 
 
 Why will scooping out a turnip be a 
 noisy process? Because it makes it hollow. 
 
 When was beef the highest? When the 
 cow jumped over the moon. 
 
 What is the difference between one yard 
 and two yards? A fence. 
 
 Why is a straw hat like kissing through 
 the telephone? Because neither is felt. 
 
 Why is your shadow like a false friend? 
 Because it only follows you in sunshine. 
 
 Why is your nose in the middle of your 
 face? Because it is the scenter. 
 
 If a woman asks her blind lover the color 
 of a flower, what would he say? " I have no 
 i-dea." 
 
 Wh«n are lawyers circumstances? When 
 they alter cases. 
 
 Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? 
 It keeps a-waggin'. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 99 
 
 Why are chickens liberal? They give a 
 peck when they take a graiti. 
 
 What animals are in the clouds? Rain- 
 dear. 
 
 Why is a young lawyer in his office like one 
 of his chickens roosting on his neighbor's 
 fence? He has no business there. 
 
 What is the difference between persever- 
 ance and obstinacy? One arises from a 
 strong will, the other from a strong won't. 
 
 In what color should friendship be kept? 
 In violet. 
 
 What is the noblest musical instrument? 
 An upright piano. What the vilest? A 
 lyre. 
 
 How do seamstresses resemble rascals? 
 They cut and run. 
 
 Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of 
 conundrums? Because it is full of notions. 
 
 Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the 
 water? Because he goes on swimmingly. 
 
 Why is the man who falls in the kennel 
 approved of? Because he's add-mir'd. 
 
 Why is an organ an enemy to religion? 
 Because it stands against the communion. 
 
joo HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are sharpers like sparrows?, Because 
 they feather their nests. 
 
 Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? 
 Because it always does as the company does. 
 
 Why is a newspaper like a lame man? 
 Because it generally lies. 
 
 Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Be- 
 cause its rail's against you. 
 
 Why is a high wind like a dumb man in 
 distress? Because it makes moving signs. 
 
 Why are sheep the most dissipated of ani- 
 mals? They gambol all their youth, live by 
 the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and 
 they get fleeced at last. 
 
 Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting 
 dog? He makes a little hare go a great way. 
 
 Why is a horse that is constantly rid, 
 though never fed, never starved? Because 
 he's never without a bit. 
 
 Why is a sleepy servant like a warming 
 pan? Because he's in bed before his master. 
 
 Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad 
 teeth? Because he has a good many acherSr 
 
 Why is an apple like a good song? Be- 
 cause It is encored. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS loi 
 
 Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a 
 gun? Because it covers the ball. 
 
 Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because 
 his business is to work ore. 
 
 Why is a garter like the gates of a slaugh- 
 ter house? Because it holds the stock in 
 (stocking). 
 
 Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Be- 
 cause it is or will be berry'd. 
 
 Why is an apron like peas? Because it is 
 gathered. 
 
 Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed 
 coming out of the opera, does it make him 
 complimentary to the ladies? Because the 
 pressure makes him flatter. 
 
 Why are a couple of first-rate breech- 
 loaders like two beautiful young ladies? Be- 
 cause they're pair-o'-guns (paragons). 
 
 Why Is a woman's beauty like a gold colnii 
 Because when once changed it soon goes. 
 
 What herb is most injurious to a lady's 
 beauty? Thyme. 
 
 When is a superH woman like bread? 
 When given as a toast. 
 
102 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Be- 
 cause it's a secreter (sea creatur') of great 
 sighs (size). 
 
 How many wives are you allowed by the 
 Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz. : Fo(u)r better, 
 fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poor- 
 er; total, sixteen. 
 
 Why is paper like a beggar? Because it 
 is composed of rags. 
 
 Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because 
 the Imp o' Darkness can never be Imp o' 
 Light. 
 
 Who is the man who carries everything 
 before him? The footman. 
 
 Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? 
 Because he makes people steal (steel) pens 
 and tells them they do write (right). 
 
 What is the greatest eye-sore in a farm- 
 yard? A pig-sty. 
 
 What is better than God, worse than the 
 devil, what the dead live on, and the living 
 would die if they lived on? Nothing. 
 
 Why is a prudent man like a pin? Be- 
 cause his head prevents him from going too 
 far. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 103 
 
 Whence proceeds the eloquence of a law- 
 yer? From his mouth. 
 
 At what time by the clock Is a pun the most 
 effective ? When it strikes one. 
 
 Why is a dead hen better than a live one? 
 Because she will lay wherever you put her. 
 
 Why Is a true and faithful friend like a; 
 garden seed? Because you never know the 
 value of either until they are put under 
 ground. 
 
 What benefit can be derived from a paper 
 of pins? They will give you many good 
 points. 
 
 What kind of a cat do we generally find 
 in a large library? A catalogue. 
 
 Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? 
 Because all the mails (males) are tied up in 
 bags. 
 
 What kind of a swell luncheon would 
 hardly be considered a grand affair? A 
 luncheon of dried apples and warm water, 
 which is really a swell affair. 
 
 Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's 
 a younker (young cur). 
 
 What is that thing which we all eat and 
 
;io.4 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 drinK, although It is often a man and often 
 a woman? A toast. 
 
 How do eggs show their anger on being 
 called Heggs? By becoming eggs-aspirated 
 (exasperated). 
 
 On what side of a church does a yew-tree 
 grow? The outside. 
 
 Why is a man whose " heart is in his 
 mouth " through fright, like a cabbage? Be- 
 cause his heart's in his head. 
 
 Why is a shoemaker more charitable than 
 another man? Because he is ready to give 
 any man a lift. 
 
 Why is a picture like a fine woman? Be- 
 cause it's framed to please. 
 
 Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? 
 Because he'll pump you. 
 
 Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? 
 Because he'll send you a vial in. 
 
 Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? 
 He knows how to stretch his bill. 
 
 When is a man incapable of performing 
 a bare-faced action? When he wears a 
 heavy beard and a mustache. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 105 
 
 Why is a thief like a philosopher? Be- 
 cause he is given to fits of abstraction. 
 
 Why is it illegal for a man to possess a 
 short walking stick? Because it can never 
 be-long to him. 
 
 Why is a person who asks questions the 
 strangest of all individuals? Because he is 
 the querist. 
 
 What is that which travels about, goes 
 much up and down, and wears shoes, but 
 never had any shoes? A football. 
 
 Why are the pages of a book like the days 
 of a man? Because they are numbered. 
 
 What word makes you sick if you leave out 
 one of its letters ? Music. 
 
 Why is a race at a circus like a big confla- 
 gration? Because the heat is in tents (in- 
 tense). 
 
 Which is the left side of a plum pudding? 
 The part that is not eaten. 
 
 Why is a man who runs in debt like a 
 clock? He runs on tick. 
 
 Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Be- 
 cause it is a bee-holder (beholder). 
 
io6 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and pa- 
 per? Because they are stationary (station- 
 ery). 
 
 Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses 
 hare (hair). 
 
 Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He 
 often runs for a plate or a cup. 
 
 Why is a good story like a church bell? 
 Because it is often tolled (told). 
 
 What is the weight of the moon? Four 
 quarters. 
 
 How can you distinguish a fashionable man 
 from a tired dog? One wears an entire cos- 
 tume ; the other simply pants. 
 
 What is the difference between a new 
 sponge and a fashionable man? If you well 
 wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet 
 the other it takes all the swell out of him. 
 
 If I were to see you riding on a donkey, 
 what fruit should I be reminded of? A pair 
 (pear). 
 
 Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? 
 Because they mew-till-late and destroy pa- 
 tience (mutilate and destroy patients) . 
 
 When may you be said literally to " drink 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 107 
 
 in " music? When you have a piano for-tea 
 (forte). 
 
 What is the difference between a profes- 
 sional pianoforte player, and the one who 
 hears him? One plays for his pay, the other 
 pays for his play. 
 
 Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady ? 
 Because he's a pilferer (pill for her). 
 
 Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? 
 Because they have both done quacking. 
 
 Why is a commercial traveler whose " walk 
 in life " is selling eggs, certain to be success- 
 ful? Because he shows a good egg-sample 
 from egg-sell-ent motives (example from ex- 
 cellent motives). 
 
 Why is an egg overdone like an egg under- 
 done? Because it's hardly done. 
 
 What is most like a hen stealing? Why, 
 a cock-robin. 
 
 Why have chickens no fear of a future 
 state ? Because they have their next world in 
 this (necks twirled). 
 
 By what female name would an egg object 
 to be called? Addle-laid (Adelaide). 
 
 Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds 
 
,io8. HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 known? Because they always have a comb 
 about them. 
 
 Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because 
 he shrinks from washing. 
 
 What is the difference between the earth 
 and the sea ? One is dirty, the other tidy. 
 
 Why is geology considered a deep science? 
 Because it penetrates deep into the earth. 
 
 Why was our last question like a young 
 lady sitting on theological works? Because 
 it was virgin on something serious. 
 
 When you see a lady in distress, what 
 should you pull up, and what bury? You 
 should pluck up courage and inter-fear 
 (interfere) in her behalf. 
 
 What is the difference between a good and 
 a bad governess? One teaches Miss, the 
 other misteaches. 
 
 When may a man be said to be literally 
 immersed in his business? When giving a 
 swimming lesson. 
 
 What prevents a running river running 
 right away? It is tied up. 
 
 What sort of a cold is necessary to insure 
 your getting on well at Court? Influence-sir. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 109 
 
 Why is a man taking a hedge at a single 
 bound like one snoring? Because he does it 
 in his-leap (his sleep). 
 
 Why are ladies like hinges? Because they 
 are things to a door (adore). 
 
 What is that which never asks questions, 
 yet requires many answers? The door- 
 knocker. 
 
 Why is a door always in the subjunctive 
 mood? Because it is always wood (would) 
 — or should be. 
 
 Why is a new-born baby like a storm? 
 Because it begins with a squall. 
 
 When is a schoolmaster like a man witH 
 one eye ? When he has a vacancy for a pupil. 
 
 How do angry women prove themselves 
 strong nerved ? They exhibit their " presents 
 of mind " by giving you a bit of it. 
 
 What soup would cannibals prefer? The 
 broth of a boy. 
 
 What is the only form in this world which 
 all nations, barbarous and civilized and other- 
 wise, are agreed upon following? The fe- 
 male form. 
 
 Why is a comet more like a dog than the 
 
no HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 dog-star? Because it has a tail and the dog- 
 star hasn't. 
 
 Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than 
 in the morning? Because he is let out at 
 night and taken in in the morning. 
 
 Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good 
 manager? Because he makes both ends meet. 
 
 When is a black dog not a black dog? 
 When he is a grey-hound. 
 
 Why should you always choose white 
 cows ? Because it is no use milking those that 
 are dun before you begin. 
 
 Why are two watches given as prizes like 
 a happy married couple? Because though 
 they are two, yet are they one (won). 
 
 Why is a human being like an earthen jug? 
 Because both are made of clay. 
 
 Why is a man with corns on his feet like a 
 certain favorite vegetable? Because he is a 
 toe-martyr (tomato). 
 
 Why is a bald head like heaven? Because 
 there is no parting or dyeing there. 
 
 Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? 
 Because there is an arm-y presentation. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS iii 
 
 Why is a young man who seldom attends 
 church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church 
 in a rain storm, like one who constantly at- 
 tends church ? Because he is sitting under the 
 droppings of the sanctuary. 
 
 If a general should ask in vain for martial 
 music, what word would embody his request? 
 Conundrum (can none drum?). 
 
 Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fash- 
 ioned country woman ? Because she reels and 
 spins. 
 
 In what constellation are the two shooting 
 dogs which never go down? In Ursa Major, 
 the pointers ; they never go down because they 
 are not setters. 
 
 What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's- 
 nest pudding, and for what other bird was it 
 made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) 
 made it, and for the swallow, of course. 
 
 Why are some ministers worse than Brig- 
 ham Young? Because they have married 
 more women than they can support, and 
 would like to marry more. 
 
 In what respect does an attorney resemble 
 a clergyman? He studies the law and profits 
 (prophets) . 
 
112 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What is the best way to raise strawberries ? 
 With a spoon. 
 
 Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an 
 honorable man ? Because he is above doing a 
 mean action. 
 
 " Why," asKs a disconsolate widow, " is 
 venison like my late and never-sufficiently-to- 
 be-lamented husband?" Because it is the 
 dear (deer) departed. 
 
 What consolation has the homely girl? She 
 will be a pretty old one if she lives long 
 enough. 
 
 What moral sentence does a weathercock 
 suggest? " It is a vain (vane) thing to 
 a-spire." 
 
 What is that which if you take away all 
 the letters remains the same ? The postman. 
 
 Why is a correct knowledge of grammar 
 Indispensable to young clergymen? Because 
 it leads to a (c) curacy. 
 
 Why is an extremely religious Roman 
 Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose? 
 Because she is so faithful to her proper gan- 
 der (propaganda). 
 
 Why is a baker a most improvident per- 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 113 
 
 son? Because he is continually selling that 
 which he kneads himself. 
 
 Why is a good husband like dough? Be- 
 cause a woman needs him. 
 
 Why is it that the sun always rises in the 
 East? Because the (y)east makes every- 
 thing rise. 
 
 What is a very frequent mistake clergy- 
 men make in their sermons? Their being 
 too long. 
 
 What is that if you take the whole away 
 some remains? Whole-some. 
 
 Why is coal the most contradictory article 
 known to commerce? Because when pur- 
 chased it goes to the cellar (seller). 
 
 What is the difference between a baby and 
 a shipwrecked sailor? One clings to its ma, 
 and the other to his (s)par. 
 
 Why is a lance like the moon? Both are 
 the glory of the knight. 
 
 When can you carry water In a sieve? 
 When it is ice. 
 
 Why is a lame dog liEe the side of a moun- 
 tain? It is a slow pup. 
 
J 14 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg- 
 grater. 
 
 When is it easiest to read? In the autumn 
 when Nature turns the leaves. 
 
 Why do women seek husbands named Wil- 
 liam? That they may have a Will of their 
 own. 
 
 Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep 
 in? It leaves a-wake behind. 
 
 Who are the best astronomers ? The stars, 
 for they have studded the heavens for cen- 
 turies. 
 
 What is it that goes up and down hill, but 
 never moves ? The road. 
 
 What is the difference between the Prince 
 of Wales and a fountain? One is heir to the 
 throne, the other thrown to the air. 
 
 W^hy is a negro woman like a doorway? 
 Because she's a negress. 
 
 How does a sailor know there's a man in 
 the moon? Because he has been to sea. Why 
 didn't he stay there? Because he found it 
 was full. 
 
 Why are you most likely to miss the I2 150 
 train ? It is ten to one if you catch it. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 115 
 
 Why should alchemists and astrologers be 
 females? They are often Ann Elizas and 
 Charlotte Anns from birth. 
 
 How does Patrick propose to get over his 
 single blessedness? By proposing to Bridge- 
 it. 
 
 Why is a Eiss like a sermon? Because it 
 requires two heads and an application. 
 
 Why should a man named Benjamin marry 
 a girl named Annie ? Because he would then 
 be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated. 
 
 State why a donkey browsing in a bed of 
 thistles appears ill. Because he's a little down 
 in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about 
 the face. 
 
 Why am I, when prudently laying by 
 money, like myself when foolishly squander- 
 ing it? Because in either case I am — ass. 
 
 When is a teapot like a kitten? When 
 you're teasin' it (your tea's in it). 
 
 Why does a puss purr? For an obvious 
 pur-puss (purpose). 
 
 When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swim- 
 mer? When it stems the currants. 
 
ii6 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because 
 it's meant to keep the chaps off. 
 
 Why are the bars of a convent like a black- 
 smith's apron? Because they keep the sparks 
 off. 
 
 in what condition is a beer-barrel when it 
 resembles old-fashioned curtains? When it's 
 tap is dry (tapestry). 
 
 Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's 
 funeral never be dry? Because they have a 
 gaU on a bier between them. 
 
 What is the best day for making pancakes ? 
 Fry-day. 
 
 Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Be- 
 cause they have both occasioned the fall of 
 man. 
 
 On a frosty day, what are the best fishes 
 to fasten together? Skates, soles, an' 
 (h)eels. 
 
 In what sort of syllables ought a parrot 
 to be taught to speak? In poUy-silly-bills. 
 
 Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to 
 have more than two reasons for the faith 
 that is in him? Because three scruples make 
 a dram. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 117 
 
 What Is the best key to a good dinner? 
 Turkey. 
 
 Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? 
 It is a pup-pet. 
 
 Which of the planets would a tortoise like 
 best to live in? Herschel. 
 
 Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Be- 
 cause it pierces hearts. 
 
 What is the most suitable dance to wind 
 up a frolic? A reel. 
 
 Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? 
 One makes a din, the other a dinner. 
 
 What death does the sculptor die? He 
 makes faces, and busts. 
 
 When may a room that is full of people 
 be said to be empty? When there is not a 
 single person in it. 
 
 Of what trade is the sun? A tanner. 
 
 When may a ship be said to be in love? 
 When she is tender on a man-of-war. 
 
 When is she actively in love? When she 
 seeks a mate. 
 
 When is she ambitiously in love? When 
 she is making up to a peer. 
 
ii8 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is she foolishly in love ? When she 
 is attached to a great buoy. 
 
 When is she absurdly in love ? When she 
 is h'anchoring after a heavy swell. 
 
 When is she demonstratively in love? 
 When she hugs the shore. 
 
 When is she weakly in love? When she 
 rests on the bosom of a little cove. 
 
 When is she treated too familiarly? 
 When a smack follows her bow. 
 
 Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He 
 asks for alms when he wants legs. 
 
 Why has the acrobat such a wonderful di- 
 gestion? Because he lives on ropes and 
 poles, and thrives. 
 
 If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what 
 would he fall against? Against his inclina- 
 tion. 
 
 Why IS a little dog's tail like the heart of 
 a tree? Because it's farthest from the bark. 
 
 Why is there no such thing as an entire 
 day? Because every day begins by break- 
 ing. 
 
 What is that which every living being has 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 119 
 
 seen, but will never see again? Yesterday. 
 
 What is that which will be yesterday, and 
 was to-morrow? To-day. 
 
 What is better than presence of mind in 
 a railway accident? Absence of body. 
 
 Why is traveling by the Subway danger- 
 ous? Because then you are sure to be run 
 over by carriages and automobiles. 
 
 Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady 
 that she is " as beautiful as an angel? " Be- 
 cause, if we believe what we read, the angels 
 must be very ancient. 
 
 What is the superlative of temper?! 
 Tempest. 
 
 On what day of the year do women tails 
 least? On the shortest day. 
 
 What sort of a musical instrument re- 
 sembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn. 
 
 What Is It which every one wishes for, 
 and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is 
 obtained? A good appetite. 
 
 If a spider were late to dinner, what 
 would he do? Take a fly. 
 
 Name the most unsociable things In the 
 
120 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 world? Milestones; for you never see two 
 of them together. 
 
 Why is swearing like an old coat? Be- 
 cause it is a bad habit. 
 
 Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly 
 through the earth, starting from New York, 
 and you went in at this end, where would you 
 come out? Out of the hole. 
 
 What is the difference between a Roman 
 Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses 
 wax candles and the other dips. 
 
 Why, when you paint a man's portrait, 
 may you be described as stepping into his 
 shoes? Because you make his feet-yours 
 (features). 
 
 What is the very best and cheapest light, 
 especially for painters? Daylight. 
 
 Why is a marine painter like a large ves- 
 sel? Because he draws so much water. 
 
 Why is it extraordinary not to find a 
 painter's studio as hot as an oven? Be- 
 cause it is there that he makes his bread. 
 
 Where should you feel for the poor? In 
 your pocket. 
 
 What is the best way of making a coat 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 121, 
 
 last? Make the trousers and waistcoat first. 
 
 What animals are admitted at the opera? 
 White kids. 
 
 With what two animals do you always go 
 to bed? Two calves. 
 
 Why are the actions of men like great 
 rivers? Because we see the course that they 
 take, but not the source whence they spring. 
 
 When is a young lady not a young lady? 
 When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart). 
 
 Which is better, getting the gin of your 
 choice or a shoulder of mutton? A shoul- 
 der of mutton; as nothing earthly can be 
 better than getting her you love, and a 
 shoulder of mutton is much better than noth- 
 ing. 
 
 At what period in his sorrow does a wid- 
 ower recover from the loss of his dear de- 
 parted? When he re-wives (revives). 
 
 Why are policemen particularly required 
 in a hop ground? Because there are always 
 so many people picking pockets there. 
 
 When is water most likely to escape? 
 When it is only half-tide. 
 
122 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Plant a puppy, and what would come up ? 
 Dog would. 
 
 Why are artists like washerwomen? Be- 
 cause they are not satisfied until their works 
 are " hung on the line." 
 
 Why is a man who never lays a wager as 
 bad as a regular gambler? Because he is no 
 better (bettor). 
 
 Why does the conductor cut a hole in your 
 railroad ticket? To let you pass through. 
 
 Why should a man troubled with gout 
 make his will? Because he will then have 
 his leg at ease (legatees). 
 
 What is that which no one wishes to have, 
 yet no one wishes to lose? A bald head. 
 
 Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? 
 Because they sin-till-late (scintillate). 
 
 Why are very old people necessarily pro- 
 lix and tedious? Because they die late (di- 
 late). 
 
 A lady asked a gentleman how old he 
 was. He answered, " My age is what you 
 do. in everything — excel (XL)." 
 
 Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and un- 
 grateful friend? Because, though you may 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 123 
 
 positively load its back with silver, it will 
 reflect on you. 
 
 Why Is a butler like a mountain? Be- 
 cause he looks down on the valley (valet). 
 
 What is that which the fox has and the 
 hare most wants? A brush. 
 
 What is the best way to keep a man's 
 love? Not to return it. 
 
 Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Be- 
 cause it has no beginning and no end. 
 
 Why does a young lady prefer her moth- 
 er's fortune to her father's? Because, 
 though she likes patrimony, she still better 
 likes matrimony. 
 
 Why is a deceptive woman like a seam- 
 stress? Because she is not what she seams 
 (seems). 
 
 When does a man stand a good chance of 
 being completely sewn up? When he has a 
 stitch in his side. 
 
 Why does a dressmaker never lose her 
 hooks? Because she has an eye to each of 
 them. 
 
 What is the difference between a farmer 
 and a seamstress ? The farmer gathers what 
 
124 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 he sows, while the seamstress sews what she 
 gathers. 
 
 If we were going to kill a conversational 
 goose, what vegetable would she allude to? 
 Ah !-spare-a-goose ! (asparagus). 
 
 What is the best thing to do to enjoy the 
 happiness of courting? To get a little gal- 
 an'-try (gallantry). 
 
 How is it that the affections of young 
 ladies, notwithstanding that they may pro- 
 test and vow constancy, are always doubt- 
 ful? Because they are only miss givings 
 (misgivings). 
 
 Why may a beggar wear a very short 
 coat? Because it will be long enough before 
 he gets another. 
 
 What part of a lion is a new-born infant 
 like? His tail, because it was never seen 
 before. 
 
 Why can you never expect a fishmonger 
 to be generous? Because his business makes 
 him sell-fish. 
 
 Why is a judge's nose like the middle of 
 the earth? Because it's the center of grav- 
 ity. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 1251 
 
 What is the gentlest kind of spur? A 
 whisper. 
 
 Why should not soldiers meddle with nut- 
 crackers? Because they make the shells 
 burst on the kernel (colonel). 
 
 Why is a hammer like a general? It goes 
 to the head, and settles the point of a tack 
 (attack). 
 
 What is the best material for kites ? Fly- 
 paper. 
 
 What two reasons are there why a young 
 lady going to the altar is certainly going 
 wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led. 
 
 When does the tongue assume the func- 
 tions of the teeth? When it back-bites. 
 
 What is a button? A small event that is 
 always coming off. 
 
 What medicine ought to be given to 
 misers ? Anti-mony. 
 
 What was the cause of the potato rot?; 
 The rot-atory motion of the earth. 
 
 What is the end to which all like to come ? 
 A divid-end. 
 
 What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson. 
 
126 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why should one never complain of the 
 price of a car ticket? It is a fare thing. 
 
 Where does one see breakers ahead on 
 land? In a railway station. 
 
 What is a heavy incidental expense? 
 Having one's tooth filled. 
 
 What is the difference between forms and 
 ceremonies? Yqu sit upon one, and stand 
 upon the other. 
 
 How do locomotives hear? Through 
 their engin-eers. 
 
 What is the great motive for traveling? 
 The loco-motive. 
 
 Why has a barber more than one life? 
 Because he dyes (dies) very often. 
 
 How do you call the ship that carries 
 more passengers than the Olympic? Court- 
 ship. 
 
 Why IS a high rate of fare on a railroad 
 like an overloaded gun? Because it is too 
 much for a charge. 
 
 When is a United States soldier like a 
 man with a ragged coat? When he is out 
 under arms. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 127 
 
 When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? 
 When it has lost its nap. 
 
 Why can hotel boarders dine off the 
 gong? Because " it is a-rousing dinner." 
 
 Why is a retired actor like an extor- 
 tioner? Because he is an ex-actor. 
 
 Who has most need to pray to be deliv- 
 ered from temptation? An editor, for he 
 is beset by the " devil." 
 
 How can an actress appear in two pieces 
 on the same evening? Because she's taking 
 a part (taken apart). 
 
 Why is a watch like the moon? Because 
 it presents halves and quarters and reports 
 time. 
 
 Why Is any divorced man like a man 
 playing at ten pins? Because he has to pay 
 an alimony (an alley-money). 
 
 Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like 
 an ignorant school teacher? Because her 
 pupils are kept in the dark. 
 
 Why is a ball discharged in the air like 
 an article for soldiers' comfort? Because 
 it is a blank hit (blanket). 
 
 Why is an honest poor man like a dis- 
 
128 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 honest bankrupt man? Because they both 
 fail to become rich. 
 
 Why is a beautiful woman at her mar- 
 riage festival like one on horseback? Be- 
 cause she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein) . 
 
 Why are the men appointed to wind up 
 the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has 
 defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? 
 Because the receiver is as bad as the 
 thief. 
 
 Why do architects make excellent actors? 
 Because they are good at drawing houses. 
 
 Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a 
 woman who blushes is admired for her 
 cheek. 
 
 Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? 
 Because it is catching. 
 
 Why do girls kiss each other, and men 
 not? Because girls have nothing better to 
 kiss, and men have. 
 
 If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon 
 do I use? A blunderbuss. 
 
 Why would young ladies of the present 
 day make good pugilists? Because they are 
 eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and are 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 129 
 
 willing to make a match with a man twice 
 their own size any day. 
 
 When is a man a mufi ? When he holds a 
 lady's hand without squeezing it. 
 
 When is a man a spoon? When he 
 touches a lady's two lips without kissing 
 them. 
 
 How would you measure a lover's sincer- 
 ity? By his sighs (size). 
 
 When is music like vegetables? When 
 there Is two beats (beets) to a measure. 
 
 Why is the Outlook like a man of four- 
 score? Because It's weekly. 
 
 Why is a false oath like a trial in the 
 criminal court? Because it Is per-jury. 
 
 Why are doctors always wicked men? 
 Because the worse people are the more they 
 are with them. 
 
 What sort of music should a girl sing 
 whose voice Is cracked and broken? 
 Pieces. 
 
 What Is better than an Indifferent siflger 
 in a drawing room after dinner? A differ- 
 ent one. 
 
I30 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What animals always have gaiters on? 
 Alligators. 
 
 What nation has always overcome in the 
 end? Determination. 
 
 Why should you never sleep in a railway 
 train? The train runs over sleepers. 
 
 What most frequently becomes a woman? 
 A little girl. 
 
 What is an Englishman's notion of wom- 
 an's mission? Sub-mission. 
 
 What remedy does an Irishman take for 
 a scolding wife? He takes an e-lix-ir (he 
 licks her) . 
 
 What is the difference between a cloud of 
 rain and a beaten child? One pours with 
 rain, the other roars with pain. 
 
 What did the sunbeam say to the violet? 
 " Wilt thou? " And she wilted. 
 
 What rose is "born to blush unseen"? 
 Neg-roes. 
 
 What relation is a loaf of bread to a 
 locomotive? The mother — ^bread being a 
 necessity, a locomotive being an invention, 
 and " Necessity is the mother of invention." 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 131 
 
 What is more moist than a young lady 
 with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in 
 her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied 
 shoes, and a crick in her back? A young 
 Jady with a notion (an ocean) in her head. 
 
 What is the best kind of agricultural fair? 
 A farmer's very pretty daughter. 
 
 Why is a photograph like a member of 
 Congress? Because it's a representative. 
 
 Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned 
 criminal? Because he's glad to get off. 
 
 When is a bank note like iron? When 
 it is forged. 
 
 Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is 
 light when it rises. 
 
 Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long 
 life? He can't die just (digest) now. 
 
 Why does a person who is ailing lose his 
 sense of touch? Because he does not feel 
 well. 
 
 If you were to swallow a man, what sort 
 of man would you prefer? A little London 
 porter. 
 
 Why should you never make love In the 
 
132 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 country? Because corn has ears, potatoes 
 eyes, and the beans talk. 
 
 Why is an aged man like a deserted 
 house? His gait (gate) is broken, and his 
 locks are few. 
 
 What did a blind man take at breakfast 
 which restored his sight? A cup and saucer 
 (saw, sir!). 
 
 Which is the laziest plant, and whi(3i the 
 most active? The creeper and the running 
 
 vine. 
 
 Why is an autoist whose machine has been 
 completely wrecked like a reformed autoist? 
 Because he has suddenly given up motoring. 
 
 What does a hen do when she stands on 
 one foot? Lifts up the other. 
 
 Why should the largest tree be near a 
 church? There should be no bigger tree 
 (bigotry) there. 
 
 Why is a stupid servant like a church 
 bell? He has to be often told (tolled). 
 
 Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like 
 dancing masters? They depend on their 
 pumps. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 133 
 
 Why does a duck go into water? For 
 diver's (diverse) reasons. 
 
 Why does a duck come out of water? 
 For sun-dry (sundry) reasons. 
 
 What is the difierence between a duck 
 with one wing and one with two? Merely 
 a difierence of a pinion (opinion). 
 
 Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? 
 He isn't dead yet. 
 
 When is the wind like a woodchopper? 
 When it cuts. 
 
 What makes the ocean get angry? It has 
 been crossed so often. 
 
 What is the characteristic of a watch? 
 Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its 
 face, and runs down its own works. 
 
 When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? 
 When It runs down. 
 
 Why is a girl like an arrow? Because 
 she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow 
 comes, and can't go off without one. 
 
 Why are teeth like verbs? Because they 
 are regular, irregular, and defective. 
 
 What hands are those which work night 
 
134 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 and day, yet never wear out; which", al- 
 though they strike, do not stop? Clock 
 hands. 
 
 What's the difference between a gardener 
 and a billiard marker? One minds his peas, 
 the other his cues. 
 
 What is that which denotes the state of 
 mind and of the body? The tongue. 
 
 Why are books your best friends? Be- 
 cause, when they bore you, you can shut 
 them up without giving offense. 
 
 Why, when you are out in a boat, should 
 you never be surprised by a sudden squall? 
 Because, if you go for a sale, you may ex- 
 pect to be sold. 
 
 Why is no country free? Because any- 
 body is liable to be sold by auction whom it 
 is possible for the auctioneer to take in. 
 
 Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, 
 may you pick his pockets? Because he has 
 picked yours (pictures). 
 
 Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the 
 best of them are but meer-shams. 
 
 Where can you find every word of your 
 last interesting conversation with Miss 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 135 
 
 all written down, word for word? In the 
 dictionary. 
 
 What is that which a cat has but no other 
 animal ? Kittens. 
 
 Why is an egg like a colt? Because it 
 isn't fit for use until it's broken. 
 
 How is it guns can kick when they have 
 no legs ? They kick with their breeches. 
 
 Why is a sporting clergyman like a sol- 
 dier who runs from battle? Because he de- 
 parts from his sphere of action. 
 
 When is a soldier charitable? When he 
 presents arms. 
 
 Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow 
 candles? Because when they're exposed to 
 the fire they run. 
 
 When may an army be said to be totally 
 destroyed? When the soldiers are all in 
 quarters. 
 
 Why is a defeated army like wool? Be- 
 cause it's worsted. 
 
 What sort of men are most aboveboard 
 in their movements? Chessmen. 
 
 Why should good-natured people never 
 
136 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 go to small dancing parties? Because hops 
 produce great bitterness. 
 
 What is tantalizmg?! Giving invitations 
 only to teas. 
 
 Why is flirting like plate-powder? Be- 
 cause It brightens the spoons. 
 
 What Is a kiss? A receipt given you by 
 a lady on paying your addresses. 
 
 When are kisses sweetest? When sirup- 
 titiously (surreptitiously) obtained. 
 
 Why are two young ladies kissing each 
 other an emblem of Christianity? Because 
 they are doing unto each other as they would 
 men should do unto them. 
 
 Why Is confessing to a father confessor 
 like killing bees? Because you un-buzz-'em 
 (unbosom) . 
 
 When does a leopard change his spots? 
 When he moves from one spot to another. 
 
 When an old woman in a scarlet cloak 
 was crossing a field in which a goat was 
 browsing, what took place? The goat 
 turned to butter (butt her), and the old 
 woman Into a scarlet runner. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 137 
 
 What is the most wonderful animal in the 
 farmyard? A pig, for he is killed and then 
 cured. 
 
 Why is an elephant's head different from 
 every other head? Because if you cut his 
 head off his body you do not take it from 
 the trunk. 
 
 Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? 
 No cow has eight legs. 
 
 What is the difference between the cradle 
 and the grave? The one is for the first 
 born, the other for the last bourn. 
 
 Why must a Yankee speculator be very 
 subject to water on the brain? Because he 
 always has an ocean (a notion) in his head. 
 
 What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, 
 as when burned, they are ashes still. 
 
 If a tree were to break the panes of a 
 window, what would they say? Tree, mend 
 us (tremendous). 
 
 When is a charade like a fir-tree? When 
 you get a deal bored from its length. 
 
 Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? 
 Because he pierces the ears. 
 
138 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is an old man's head like a song exe- 
 cuted by an indifferent singer? Because It 
 is often terribly bawled (bald). 
 
 Why is a piano like an onion? Because 
 it's mell-odious (melodious) . 
 
 What sort of medicine is most like a sick 
 monkey? A pill (ape-ill). 
 
 When is a girl like a mirror? When she's 
 a good-looking (g)lass. 
 
 What is the difference between some 
 women and their looking-glasses? They 
 talk without reflecting, and the mirrors re- 
 flect without talking. 
 
 What is the best way to prevent water 
 coming into your house? Do not pay your 
 water rates. 
 
 What do ladies look for when they go to 
 church? The hymns (hims). 
 
 When may a man's coat-pocket be empty 
 and yet have something in it? When it has 
 a hole in it. 
 
 What is the difference between a sweep 
 and a man in mourning? One is blacked 
 with soot, and the other is suited with black. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 139 
 
 What is the difference between killed sol- 
 diers and repaired garments? The former 
 are dead men, the latter are mended (men 
 dead). 
 
 Why does a salmon die before it lives? 
 Because its existence is ova before it comes 
 to life. 
 
 When is a schoolboy like a postage 
 stamp? When he is licked and put in the 
 corner to make him stick to his letters. 
 
 What is the difference between an engine- 
 driver and a schoolmaster? One minds the 
 train, the other trains the mind. 
 
 When is a member of Congress fero- 
 cious? When he inserts his claws (clause) 
 Into the Bill of another member. 
 
 What is the best description of " rapid 
 consumption"? Bolting one's food. 
 
 Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Be- 
 cause he is stronger than his tail, otherwise 
 his tail would wag him. 
 
 Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? 
 Because it's not currant (current). 
 
 When is a blow from a lady welcome? 
 When she strikes you agreeably. 
 
I40 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When you give a lady a lock of your hair, 
 what else does she receive from you at the 
 same time? A key to your feelings. 
 
 Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive en- 
 gine? Because she sends off the sparks, 
 transports the mails, has a train following 
 her, and passes over the plain. 
 
 What part of speech is kissing? A con- 
 junction. 
 
 Why are there more marriages In win- 
 ter than in summer? Because the men seek 
 comforters, and the ladies seek muffs. 
 
 How do the young ladies show their dis- 
 like of mustaches? By setting their faces 
 against them. 
 
 Why are young ladies bad grammarians? 
 Because you seldom find one who can decline 
 Matrimony. 
 
 Where is it that all women are equally 
 beautiful? In the dark. 
 
 Why do girls like looking at the moon? 
 Because there's a man in it. 
 
 Why is a prosy preacher like the middle 
 of a wheel? Because the felloes around it 
 are tired. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 141 
 
 Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a 
 hangman? It has a stern duty to perform. 
 
 What is the difference between a cat and 
 a document? One has claws at the end of 
 its paws, and the other has pauses at the 
 end of its clauses. 
 
 What two beaus can every lady have near 
 at hand? El-bows. 
 
 When is a man like a cannon-ball? When 
 he looks round. 
 
 When does the House of Representatives 
 present one of the most ludicrous spectacles? 
 When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and 
 its noes (nose) on the other. 
 
 What three acts comprise the chief busi- 
 ness of some women's lives? Attr-act, 
 contr-act, detr-act. 
 
 Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Be- 
 cause he's an ass. 
 
 What is the difference between a donkey 
 and a postage stamp? One you lick with a 
 stick, the other you stick with a lick. 
 
 Why shouldn't you go to church if you 
 have a cough? Because you will be sure to 
 disturb the rest of the congregation. 
 
142 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is it dangerous to enter a church? 
 When there Is a canon in the reading desk, 
 a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop 
 charges the congregation. 
 
 When is a rushlight like a tombstone? 
 When it is put up for a late husband. 
 
 Why are women like churches? Be- 
 cause there is no living without one; be- 
 cause there is many a-spire to them; and 
 because they are objects of adoration. 
 
 Why is your thumb, when putting on a 
 glove, like eternity? Because It's ever- 
 last-in' (everlasting). 
 
 Why are kisses like creation? They are 
 made of nothing, yet are very good. 
 
 Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman 
 near the end of his sermon? He's tor'd his 
 clothes. 
 
 Why is a greenback more desirable than 
 gold? When you put it In your pocket you 
 double It and when you take It out you find 
 it in creases. 
 
 Why is it dangerous to walk out In the 
 spring? The grass Is full of blades, the 
 trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, 
 Sand the bull rushes out. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 143 
 
 What is that which, although only four 
 inches long and three inches wide, contains 
 a solid foot? A shoe. 
 
 What is the difference between a physician 
 and a magician? One is a cupper, the other 
 a sorcerer. 
 
 What becomes of all the pins? They fall 
 to the earth, and become terra-pins. 
 
 Why is a belle like a locomotive? She 
 transports the mails. 
 
 Why is a Freshman like a telescope? 
 He is easily drawn out, seen through, and 
 shut up. 
 
 Why is a flea like a long winter? It 
 makes a backward spring. 
 
 What is the smallest room in the world? 
 The mush-room. 
 
 What is the largest room in the world? 
 Room for improvement. 
 
 What is that which Is above all human 
 imperfections, and yet shelters the weakest 
 and most depraved, as well as the best of 
 men?. A hat. 
 
 Why does a man permit himself to be hen- 
 pecked? Because he's chicken-hearted. 
 
144 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why would a compliment from a chicken 
 be an insult? Because it would be in fowl 
 language. 
 
 Why is an aristocratic seminary for young 
 ladies like a flower garden? Because it's a 
 place of haughty culture (horticulture). 
 
 Why are deaf people like India shawls? 
 Because you can't make them here (hear). 
 
 What is that which belongs to yourself, 
 yet Ts used by every one more than yourself? 
 Your name. 
 
 What tongue is that which frequently hurts 
 and grieves you, and yet does not speak a 
 word? The tongue of your shoe. 
 
 When may a man be said to be personally 
 involved? When he is wrapped up in him- 
 self. 
 
 What is most like a horse's foot? A 
 mare's. 
 
 Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunt- 
 ing-field? Because the better tempered he 
 is the easier he takes a fence (offense). 
 
 What is a dogma ? An opinion laid down 
 with a snarl. 
 
HANDBOOK OE CONUNDRUMS 145 
 
 Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? 
 Because it stops a waggin'. 
 
 When are handcuffs like knapsacks? 
 When made for two-wrists (tourists). 
 
 What is the difference between a butter- 
 fly and a volcano? In one the lava comes 
 out of the crater, in the other the " crater " 
 comes out of the larva. 
 
 Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like 
 one who presents a young lady with a young 
 dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup). 
 
 Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? 
 It has sent many a boy to sea (see). 
 
 What is the best way to double a flock of 
 sheep? Fold them. 
 
 Why are mortgages like burglars? They 
 secure (seek your) money. 
 
 Why is a woman's thought like the tele- 
 graph? It is so much quicker than the 
 mail (male) intelligence. 
 
 If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it 
 be a good plan to lose another to-morrow? 
 So as to make your loss a-gain. 
 
 What constitutes a weighty discourse? 
 
146 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 First to znn-'ounce a text, then to ex- 
 pound it. 
 
 What is disgusting to all but those who 
 swallow it? Flattery. 
 
 Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He 
 is a man of deeds as well as of words. 
 
 Why does a young man study law? To 
 get on. 
 
 Why does he continue in the profession? 
 To get honor. 
 
 Why does he leave the profession? To 
 get honest. 
 
 What is the difference between fog and 
 a falling star? One is a mist on earth, the 
 other is missed in heaven. 
 
 Why is the present moment like skim- 
 milk? It's scum (come). 
 
 Why is a four-quart measure like a side- 
 saddle ? They both hold a gal (1) on. 
 
 How can you shoot one hundred and 
 twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a wig. 
 
 Name that which, with only one eye put 
 out, has but a nose left. Noise. 
 
 Why are laundresses good navigators? 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 147 
 
 Because they are always crossing the line, 
 and going from pole to pole. 
 
 What is that which if you name it eve^ 
 you break it? Silence. 
 
 What is that which you can keep evert 
 after giving it to somebody else 2 Your 
 word. 
 
 What is that which the dead and the liv- 
 ing do at the same time? Go round with 
 the world. 
 
 What snuff-taker is that whose box gets 
 fuller the more pinches he takes? The 
 snuffers. 
 
 Why are your nose and chin constantly at 
 variance? Because words are continually 
 passing between them. 
 
 What is the smallest bridge in the world? 
 The bridge of your nose. 
 
 Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous 
 Koh-i-noor diamond? Because he's a, Jew- 
 ill. 
 
 Why is an undutlful son like one born 
 deaf? Because your voice is lost upon him. 
 
 What is that which is put on the table 
 
148 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 and cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards. 
 
 What fashionable game do frogs play at 
 . — ^besides leap-frog? Croaky (croquet). 
 
 What question is that to which you posi- 
 tively must answer yes? What does y-e-s 
 spell ? 
 
 What would a pig do if he wished to 
 build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in 
 his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty) . 
 
 If the before-mentioned porker wished to 
 demolish the pig's sty he had built, what 
 quotation would he make? "I could a tail 
 (tale) unfold." 
 
 What is that which is white, black, and 
 red all over, which shows some people to 
 be green, and makes others look black and 
 blue? A newspaper. 
 
 Why is a newspaper like an army? Be- 
 cause it has leaders, columns, and reviews^ 
 
 What part of a lady's face in January is 
 like a celebrated fur? Chin-chilly (chin- 
 chilla). 
 
 Why are suicides invariably successful peo- 
 ple in the world? Because they always 
 manage to accomplish their own ends. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 149 
 
 Where is the cheapest place to buy poul- 
 try? At the State Bath House, where you 
 can get a duck for a dime. 
 
 Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? 
 Because they are both fancy bred (bread) , 
 
 What makes more noise than a pig In a 
 sty? Two pigs. 
 
 When would a farmer have the best op- 
 portunity for overlooking his pigs? When 
 he has a sty in his eye. 
 
 What is lengthened by being cut at both 
 ends? A ditch. 
 
 Why does a nobleman's title sometimes 
 become extinct? Because, though the king 
 can make a man appear (a peer), he can't 
 make him apparent (a parent). 
 
 What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays 
 the doctor? A draft. 
 
 What is the worst kind of fare for a man 
 to live on? Warfare. 
 
 Of what color are the winds and waves in 
 a storm? The winds blew (blue) and the 
 waters rose. 
 
 How does a ray of light get through a 
 prism? It hews (hues) it§ way. 
 
7 so HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What would a bear want if he should get 
 into a dry-goods store? Muslin (muzzling). 
 
 When does English butter become Irish 
 butter? When it is made into little Pats. 
 
 Which is the most ancient of trees? The 
 elder tree. 
 
 Which are the most seasonable clothes? 
 Pepper and salt. 
 
 Why are lawyers and doctors safe peo- 
 ple by whom to take example? Because 
 they practice their professions. 
 
 Why is a fiddle like a man who gives 
 money to make up a quarrel? Because it is 
 for a-tone-ment. 
 
 Why is a good pun like a good cat? Be- 
 cause it requires pause (paws). 
 
 Why is a Jew's harp like a goo3 dinner? 
 Because it makes a man's mouth water. 
 
 Why is there a bad audience at the play- 
 house when the pit is full? Because it is a 
 pitiful house. 
 
 Why is a fortified town like a pudding? 
 Because it's often batter'd. 
 
 Why does a tallow chandler live better 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 151 
 
 than another man? Because he lives on the 
 fat of the land. 
 
 Why is a water lily like a whale? Be- 
 cause it comes to the surface to blow. 
 
 Why is a resolution like a looking glass? 
 Because it is so easily broken. 
 
 Why can you never tell real hysterics 
 from sham ones? Because in either case it 
 is a feint (faint). 
 
 When may ladies who are enjoying them- 
 selves be said to look wretched? When at 
 the opera, as then they are in tiers. 
 
 When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When 
 It becomes a pretty woman. 
 
 Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it 
 Is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then 
 shoots. 
 
 Why is a miserly uncle with whom you 
 have quarreled like a person with a short 
 memory? Because he is ever for-getting, 
 and never for-giving. 
 
 Why are worn-out clothes like children 
 without parents? Because they are left 
 off'uns (orphans). 
 
 What is the difference between a milk- 
 
152 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 maid and a swallow? One skims the milk, 
 the other the water. 
 
 Why is a very demure young lady like a 
 tugBoat? Because she pays no attention to 
 the swells that follow her. 
 
 What smells most in a chemist's shop? 
 The nose. 
 
 Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, 
 because it will run for you till it drops. 
 
 Which travels faster, heat or cold? 
 Heat, because you can easily catch cold. 
 
 What did the muffin say to the toasting 
 fork? You're too pointed. 
 
 I am forever, yet was never. Eternity. 
 
 Which eat more grass, black sheep or 
 white? White, because there are more of 
 them. 
 
 Why IS a very amusing man like a very 
 bad shot? Because he keeps the game 
 alive. 
 
 What is the height of folly? Spending 
 your last shilling on a purse. 
 
 In what sort of family does the seventh 
 night of the week come on the sixth? In 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 153 
 
 that sort of family where Saturday is a bath 
 night (is Sabbath night). 
 
 Why are clouds like coachmen? Because 
 they hold the reins (rains). 
 
 On what supposition could a pocket hand- 
 kerchief be used to build a house ? If it be- 
 came-brick (be cambric). 
 
 Why did the young lady return the dumb 
 waiter? Because it didn't answer. 
 
 Why is a schoolboy being flogged like 
 your eye? Because he's a pupil under the 
 lash. 
 
 Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Be- 
 cause blow, when perfect, makes blew. 
 
 When has a man brown hands? When 
 he^s tand-'em driving. 
 
 Why is the leading horse in a wagon- 
 team like the acceptor of a bill? Because 
 he's the end horse, sir (endorser). 
 
 Why is a man marrying a second time like 
 sal volatile? Because it's re-wiving. 
 
 When may a lady be absolutely pro- 
 nounced to be quite past recovery? When 
 she is speechless, and can only chatter with 
 her teeth. 
 
154 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are ladies' eyes like persons sepa- 
 rated by the Atlantic Ocean? Because, al- 
 though they may correspond, they never 
 meet. 
 
 What two ages often prove illusory? 
 Mir-age and marri-age. 
 
 State the difference between a grocer sell- 
 ing a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's 
 boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs 
 a pound, the other pounds away. 
 
 Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It 
 may be considered underground. 
 
 When can an Irish servant answer two 
 questions at the same time? When she is 
 asked, " What's o'clock, and where's the 
 cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's 
 ate." 
 
 Why would an owl be offended at your 
 calling him a pheasant? Because you 
 would be making game of him. 
 
 Why can a fish never be in the dark? Be- 
 cause of his parraffins (pair o' fins). 
 
 When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, 
 quarrelsome man? When it is put out be- 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 155 
 
 fore it has had time to flare up and blaze 
 away. 
 
 Why is love like a candle? Because the 
 longer it burns the less it becomes. 
 
 What is the difference between a tight 
 Boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, 
 the other makes corns ache. 
 
 Why does the east wind never blow 
 straight? Because it blows oblique (blows 
 so bleak). 
 
 What is the difference between a premiere 
 danseuse and a duck? One goes quick on 
 her beautiful legs, the other goes " quack " 
 on her beautiful eggs. 
 
 What is the difference between a French 
 pastry-cook and a billstlcker? One puffs up 
 paste, the other pastes up puffs. 
 
 Why is it vulgar to sing and play by your- 
 self? Because it is so-lo. 
 
 When is a young lady like an acrobat? 
 When she shows her sleight of hand by re- 
 fusing you. 
 
 Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like 
 a pretty girl? Because it is seldom let 
 alone. 
 
156 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why is the root of the tongue like a de- 
 jected man? Because it is down in the 
 mouth. 
 
 What part of one's head is fit to eat? 
 An ear o' rye (awry). 
 
 Why cannot you make a venison pasty of 
 buck venison? Because the pasty must be 
 made of dough (doe). 
 
 Why ought venison to be only half- 
 cooked? Because what is done, cannot be 
 helped. 
 
 Why do sailors working in brigs make 
 Bad servants? Because it is impossible for 
 a man to serve two mast-ers well. 
 
 Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging- 
 house keepers with newly married couples? 
 Because they are accustomed to sea-side 
 dears (seize ideas), and to make the most 
 out of them that is possible. 
 
 What is Majesty deprived of its externals? 
 A jest (M-ajest-y). 
 
 Why is a cracker like death? Because It 
 is a debt o' natur' (detonator). 
 
 What is the greatest instance of canni- 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 157 
 
 balism on record? When a rash man ate a 
 rasher. 
 
 What tree bears the most fruit to market? 
 The axle-tree. 
 
 How is it that trees can put on new dresses 
 without " opening their trunks "? Because 
 they leave out their summer clothing. 
 
 What Is the difference between a potato 
 and a soldier? One shoots from the eye, 
 the other from the shoulder. 
 
 What is the difference between a beehive 
 and a diseased potato? None at all; one is 
 a bee-holder (beholder) , the other a speck'd 
 tatur (spectator). 
 
 What is the difference between a piece of 
 honeycomb and a black eye? One is pro- 
 duced by a laboring bee, the other by a be- 
 laboring. 
 
 Why are country girls' cheeks like well- 
 printed cottons? Because they are war- 
 ranted to wash — and keep color. 
 
 Why are volunteers like old maids? Be- 
 cause they are always ready, but never 
 wanted. 
 
158 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why would young ladies make good vol- 
 unteers? Because they are accustomed to 
 bare arms. 
 
 What is the difference between love and 
 war? One breaks hearts, the other heads. 
 
 What is the difference between a volunteer 
 and an omelet? The difference is that one 
 is equipped to go forth, the other is egg 
 whipped to go froth. 
 
 Why is a black man necessarily a con- 
 jurer? Because he is a negro-man-sir (ne- 
 cromancer). 
 
 What is that which every one frequently 
 holds yet rarely touches? His tongue. 
 
 What is a good way to make money fast? 
 Put it in a safety deposit box. 
 
 Why is one who uses hair dye like a 
 (Suicide? Because he dies by his own hand. 
 
 Why are frames put about tomato plants? 
 To make the tomato ketchup (catch up). 
 
 Why should wire be used to train string 
 beans? So that they may not be too stringy. 
 
 Why is a proposal like the first conviction 
 for drunkenness? Because it is a short sen- 
 tence which generally leads to a long one. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 159; 
 
 What kind of a pen does the plagiarist 
 use? Steel. 
 
 If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, whaS 
 relation does she bear to you? Your 
 mother. 
 
 Of what profession is every child? A 
 player. 
 
 Why is Troy weight like an unconscien- 
 tious person? Because it has no scruples. 
 
 Which is heavier, the half or the full 
 moon? The half, because the full moon is 
 as light again. 
 
 Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? 
 Because his is all net profit. 
 
 W hen is a boat like a heap of snow? 
 When it is a-drift. 
 
 What 'bus has found room for the great- 
 est number of people? Colum-bus. 
 
 Why is an alligator the most deceitful of 
 animals? Because he shows an open coun- 
 tenance in the act of taking you in. 
 
 When may a man be said to be really over 
 head and ears in debt? When he hasn't 
 paid for his wig. 
 
i6o HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What is the difference between the Prince 
 of Wales, an orphan, a bald-headed man, and 
 a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, 
 the second has ne'er a parent, the third has 
 no hair apparent, and the fourth has a hairy 
 parent. 
 
 When does a son not take after his 
 father? When his father leaves him noth- 
 ing to take. 
 
 Why are poor relations like fits of the 
 gout? Because the oftener they come the 
 longer they stay. 
 
 Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like 
 sympathy? Because it is a fellow feeling 
 for another. 
 
 When could you eat a lady's hand? 
 When it is a warm muff in. 
 
 Just state the difference between an 
 auction and sea-sickness. One is a sale of 
 effects, the other the effects of a sail. 
 
 Why does a man who has been all his 
 life a woodcutter, never come home to din- 
 ner? Because he's not only bred (bread) 
 there, but he's always a chop in (a-choppin') 
 the wood. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS i6i 
 
 What is the difference between a soldier 
 and a fisherman? One bayonets, the other 
 nets a bay. 
 
 What musical instrument invites you to 
 fish? Cast-a-net (castanet). 
 
 What is the difference between a fisher- 
 man and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his 
 hook, the other hates his book. 
 
 What words may be pronounced quicker 
 and shorter by adding syllables to them? 
 Quick and short. 
 
 What is the worth of a woman? Double 
 you, O man (w-o-man). 
 
 Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it 
 goes from mouth to mouth. 
 
 What shape is a kiss ? A-lip-tickle (ellip- 
 tical). 
 
 What becomes every woman? A blush. 
 
 Why are three couples going to be mar- 
 ried like penny trumpets? Because they go 
 two-two-two. 
 
 What is that which fastens two people to- 
 gether, yet touches only one? The wedding- 
 ring. 
 
1 62 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What is a ring? A hole with a rim 
 around it. 
 
 What grows bigger the more you con- 
 tract it? Debt. 
 
 Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his 
 fortune, like the water in a filter? Because 
 he soon runs through it, and leaves many 
 matters behind to settle. 
 
 Why are birds melancholy in the morning? 
 Because their little bills are all over dew 
 (overdue). 
 
 What is the difference between a last will 
 and testament and a man who has eaten as 
 much as he can? One is signed and dated, 
 and the other is dined and sated. 
 
 What is the greatest feat, in the eating 
 way, ever known? That recorded of a man 
 who commenced by bolting a door, after 
 which he threw up a window, and then sat 
 down and swallowed a whole story. 
 
 How should love come to the door? 
 With a ring. 
 
 If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to 
 marry, what flower would he name? Any; 
 money (anemone). 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 163 
 
 When may two people be said to be half- 
 witted? When there is an understanding 
 between them. 
 
 Why is the science of self-defense like 
 low tide? It develops the muscles. 
 
 Why should a teetotaler never take a 
 wife? He will not sup-porter (support her). 
 
 Why should free seats at church be 
 abolished? They make people good for 
 nothing. 
 
 What relation is the door-mat to the 
 threshold? A step-father (farther). 
 
 When is love deformed? When it is all 
 on one side. 
 
 Where have you the most extended view? 
 In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole 
 to pole. 
 
 What burns to keep a secret? Sealing 
 wax. 
 
 Plant the setting sun, and what will come 
 up? The morning glory. 
 
 Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy 
 ciphering? He; puts down three and carries 
 one. 
 
1 64 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are eyes like stage-horses? They 
 are always under the lash. 
 
 What is the brightest idea of the day? 
 Your eye, dear. 
 
 Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee 
 drink? They are 'lasses in water. 
 
 Of what color is grass under snow? In- 
 visible green. 
 
 What is the hardest conundrum? Life, 
 because we all have to give it up. 
 
 What is that which is often given you, 
 which you never have, yet which you often 
 give up? A conundrum. 
 
 What kin is that child to his own father 
 who is not his own father's son? His 
 daughter. 
 
 If Dick's father is Tom's son, what re- 
 lation is Dick to Tom? Tom is his grand- 
 father. 
 
 When does a man sneeze three times? 
 When he cannot help it. 
 
 Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? 
 Because his master pays it for him. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 165 
 
 When may a man be said to have four 
 hands? When he doubles his fists. 
 
 What goes over the water and under the 
 water, but never touches the water? A 
 woman crossing a bridge with a pail of 
 water on her head. 
 
 How many peas In a pint? One. 
 
 When is a soldier like a watch? When 
 he is on guard. 
 
 How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn 
 his living? By fowl means. 
 
 Why Is a butcher's cart like his top boots? 
 Because he carries his calves there. 
 
 Why does a cat rest better in summer? 
 Because summer brings a cat-a-pillow (cat- 
 erpillar) . 
 
 What is It that every man overlooks ? His 
 nose. 
 
 Why should potatoes grow better than any 
 other vegetable ? Because they have eyes to 
 see what they are doing. 
 
 What were the last words of the bugler 
 who was gored by the bull? "Blow the 
 horiMfl *" 
 
1 66 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are laxlyers like shears? Because 
 they do not cut each other, but only what 
 conies between them. 
 
 What have feet andValK not? Stoves. 
 
 What have eyes and see not? Potatoes. 
 
 What have noses but smell not? Tea- 
 pots. 
 
 What have hands but work not? Clocks. 
 
 What have mouths but eat not? Rivers. 
 
 What have ears but hear not? Corn- 
 stalks. 
 
 What have tongues but talE not? 
 Wagons. 
 
 Why do we all go to bed? Because the 
 bed will not come to us. 
 
 What is higher and handsomer when the 
 head is off ? A pillow. 
 
 What is the best thing to make in a hurry? 
 Haste. 
 
 Why do dentists malce good politicians? 
 Because tTiey have a great pull. 
 
 If a tailor and a goose are on the top of 
 ia, monument, what is the quickest way for 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 167 
 
 the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose. 
 
 If I walk into a room full of people and 
 place a new penny upon the table in fuU view 
 of the company, what does the coin do? It 
 Jooks round. 
 
 Why is a mouse like hay? Because the 
 cat'll eat it (cattle). 
 
 Why is a madman equal to two men? Be- 
 cause he is one beside himself. 
 
 Which member of Congress wears the 
 largest hat? The one who has the largest 
 head. 
 
 When does a pig become landed property? 
 When he is turned into a meadow. 
 
 What is the difference between a cow and 
 a rickety chair? One gives milk and the 
 other gives whey (way). 
 
 What flower most resembles a bull's 
 mouth? The cowslip. 
 
 When is a lady deformed? When mend- 
 ing stockings; because she then has her 
 hands where her feet ought to be. 
 
 Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a 
 phantom? Because he's an airy-nought 
 (aeronaut). 
 
1 68 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why do little birds In their nests agree? 
 For fear of falling out. 
 
 Why is the flight of an eagle a most un- 
 pleasant sight to witness? Because it's an 
 eye-sore ('igh soar). 
 
 What impermeable fabric is a sparrow 
 like? Gutter percher (guttapercha). 
 
 Which of the feathered tribe can lift the 
 heaviest weights? The crane. 
 
 Why does the rope dancer invariably have 
 to repeat his performances? Because they 
 are always on cord (encored). 
 
 What is the difference between a widow 
 and a window? Little if «-y; for the trans- 
 parents griefs of the one, like the panes of 
 the other, are removed in course of re-pair- 
 ing; and the latter is for mankind to look 
 out of, while the former looks out for man- 
 kind. 
 
 When may a loaf of bread be said to be 
 inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it. 
 
 What part of a fish weighs most? The 
 scales. 
 
 What is that which works when it plays 
 and plays when it works? A fountain. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 16,9 
 
 Why is divinity the easiest of the three 
 learned professions? Because it is easier 
 to preach than to practice. 
 
 Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because 
 they ride on the main (mane). 
 
 Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a 
 common? Because it goes round the waste 
 (waist). 
 
 Why is a thief like a knocker? Because 
 they are tied up to prevent disturbance. 
 
 What's the difference between a bee and 
 a donkey? One gets all the honey, and the 
 other all the whacks (wax). 
 
 Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Be- 
 cause it's often under arms. 
 
 Why are cripples and beggars similar to 
 shepherds and fishermen? Because they 
 live by hook and by croolc. 
 
 What is that which has four legs and flies 
 in the air? Two canary birds. 
 
 What is the only pain of which every one 
 makes light? A window pane. 
 
 Why is a smith a dangerous companion? 
 Because he deals in forgery. 
 
170 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Why are coals like poor laboring men? 
 Because they feed the great. 
 
 Why is an honest friend like orange chips ? 
 Because he's candid. 
 
 Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? 
 Because it has a colonel (kernel) . 
 
 Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? 
 Because it is best when full. 
 
 What is the principal part of a horse? 
 The mane (main) part. 
 
 Why is a candle like an atheist? Because 
 it's wicked. 
 
 Why is a dog like a free? Because they 
 both produce a bark. 
 
 What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's 
 helmet? A cask (casque). 
 
 Why is it no offense to conspire in the 
 evening? What is treasonable is reason- 
 able after t. 
 
 Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? 
 Because he is in a-coughing. 
 
 Why is a fiddler like a mam in amaze? 
 Because he's at a stand. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 171 
 
 What part of a fish is HKe the end of a 
 book? The fin-is. 
 
 What language should a linguist end 
 with? The Finnish. 
 
 What sea is most traveled by clever intel- 
 lectual people? Brilliancy. 
 
 What is the difference between a butcher 
 and a flirt? One kills to dress, the other 
 dresses to kill. 
 
 Why is marriage with a deceased wife's 
 sister like the wedding of two fish? Be- 
 cause it's a-finny-tie (affinity). 
 
 A man bought two fishes, but on taking 
 them home found he had three; how was 
 this ? He had two — and one smelt. 
 
 If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five 
 dollars, what would a ton of coal come to? 
 To ashes. 
 
 Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied 
 of all mechanics? Because he's always on 
 the strike for wages. 
 
 Why is selling off bankrupt goods like 
 preparing a dish of soup? Because it is a 
 liquidation of stock. 
 
 Why is a wide-awake so called? Be- 
 
172 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 cause It never had a nap, and never wants 
 one. 
 
 What is the difference between a young 
 lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feel- 
 ing, the other is felt. 
 
 What is worse than raining cats and 
 dogs? Hailing street cars. 
 
 What is the oldest lunatic on record? 
 Time out of mind. 
 
 How can you make one pound of green 
 tea go as far as five pounds of black? Buy 
 the above quantities in Boston, and send 
 them down to New York. 
 
 Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a 
 dangerous carriage to drive In? Because 
 the cabman always drives over your head. 
 
 Why is whispering In company like a 
 forged bank note? Because It Is uttered 
 but not allowed. 
 
 Which constellation resembles an empty 
 fireplace? The Great Bear. 
 
 What Is the last remedy for a smoky 
 chimney. Putting the fire out. 
 
 Why Is a clever wit like a chemist? Be- 
 cause he has many a good retort. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 173 
 
 Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent 
 lover? Because his is unremitting affection. 
 
 What Is the difference between a spend- 
 thrift and a feather bed? One is hard up 
 and the other soft down. 
 
 What comes after cheese? Mouse. 
 
 Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like 
 a diplomat arguing his policy? Because 
 each has a well-defined end in view. 
 
 When may a man be said to breakfast be- 
 fore he gets up? When he takes a roll in 
 bed. 
 
 When are volunteers not volunteers? 
 When they are mustered (mustard). 
 
 Which is the merriest sauce? Caper 
 sauce. 
 
 Why Is a cat going up three pairs of stalrg 
 like a high hill? Because she's a-mounting 
 (a mountain). 
 
 Why Is a lead pencil like a perverse child ? 
 Because it never does write (right) by itself. 
 
 Why are wooden ships, as compared with 
 Ironclads, of the female sex? Because they 
 are the weaker vessels. 
 
174 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 At what time of life may a man be said 
 to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When 
 long experience has made him sage. 
 
 When is a sailor not a sailor? When he 
 is aloft. 
 
 What wild animals may be correctly shut 
 up in one enclosure? Twelve ounces in one 
 pound. 
 
 What makes a pair of boots? Two 
 boots. 
 
 What tree is of the greatest Importance in 
 history? The date. 
 
 Why is the superintendent of a children's 
 play-ground like a stranded vessel? Be- 
 cause he runs arground. 
 
 Why is the road-bed laborer on a rail- 
 road like a hunted bear in the mountains? 
 Because he makes tracks for his life. 
 
 Why is the engineer of a train like an 
 aeronaut? Because he frequently slows 
 down. 
 
 Why is it impossible that there should be 
 a best horse on a race course? Because 
 there is always a bettor. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 175 
 
 When may a ship be said to be in love? 
 When she wishes for a mate. 
 
 What is that which has never been felt, 
 seen, or heard, — never existed, and still has 
 a name? Nothing. 
 
 Why is a congreve-box without matches 
 superior to all other boxes? Because it is 
 matchless. 
 
 Why is a postman in danger of losing his 
 way? Because he is guided by the directions 
 of strangers. 
 
 What is that which comes with a coach, 
 goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, 
 and yet the coach cannot go without it? 
 Noise. 
 
 Why is a missionary like a pig roasting 
 on a spit? Because he goes around doing 
 good. 
 
 Why are hogs more intelligent than hu- 
 mans? Because they nose (knows) every- 
 thing. 
 
 What makes a pet dog wag his tail when 
 he sees his master? Because he's got one to 
 wag. 
 
 What other edifice does a man sometimes 
 
176 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 carry about with him besides a sty in his 
 eye? A castle in the (h)air. 
 
 When is a fast young man nearest heaven ? 
 When on a lark. 
 
 When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? 
 When it's smoked. 
 
 When is a man most likely to get floored 
 (flawed)? When he's up late (a plate), 
 and so runs a chance of becoming cracked. 
 
 What are the features of the cannon? 
 Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers. 
 
 Who always sits with his hat on before 
 the queen? Her coachman. 
 
 Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a 
 house on fire? Because the sooner it is put 
 out the better. 
 
 When is a river not a river ? When it is 
 eyewater (high water). 
 
 What trade never turns to the left? A 
 wheelwright. 
 
 What trade is more than full? Fuller. 
 
 Why is electricity like the police when 
 they are wanted? Because it is an invisi- 
 ble force. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 177 
 
 When is a borough like a ship ? When it 
 is under canvass. 
 
 Why are guns like trees? People plant 
 them and they shoot. 
 
 How does a boy look if you hurt him? 
 It makes him yeU O ! (yellow) . 
 
 What part of your ear would be the most 
 essential for a martial band? The drum. 
 
 What is it that stands aloft, and regulates 
 our daily movements, yet feels no interest in 
 our concerns; directs us when to go, and 
 when to come ; yet cares not whether we at- 
 tend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, 
 often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, 
 and we feel no resentment when the reproof 
 is given? A clock. 
 
 Why is the dove a very cautious little 
 dear? Because he minds his peas and coos. 
 
 When is a baby like a breakfast cup? 
 When it's a tea thing (teething). 
 
 Why is a chicken served to a minister like 
 a theological student? Because it is about 
 to enter the ministry. 
 
 What animal keeps the best time? A 
 , watch dog. 
 
178 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? 
 When it is a little pale (pail). 
 
 When is a nose not a nose? When it is a 
 little reddish (radish). 
 
 What sort of a face does the auctioneer 
 like best? One that is for-bidding. 
 
 When is a straight field not a straight 
 field? When it is a rye field (a wry). 
 
 What is it that walks with its head down- 
 ward? A nail in a shoe. 
 
 Why are the hours from one to twelve 
 like good Christians? Because they are al- 
 ways on the watch. 
 
 Why is a hen walking across the road like 
 a conspiracy? Because it is a foul proceed- 
 ing. 
 
 What sort of sympathy would you rather 
 be without? You don't want to be pitted 
 by the small-pox. 
 
 What is that which we often return but 
 never borrow? Thanks. 
 
 What animals are always seen at a fu- 
 neral? Black kids. 
 
 What did the pistol ball say to th§ 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 179 
 
 wounded duelist? " I hope I give satisfac- 
 tion." 
 
 Why is horse racing a necessity? Be- 
 cause it is a matter of course. 
 
 What is a young lady who refuses you? 
 Two no-ing by half. 
 
 Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? 
 Because it is matured by falling due 
 (dew). 
 
 What games do the waves play at? At 
 pitch and toss. 
 
 What fish is most valued by a loving wife ? 
 Her-ring. 
 
 Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whip- 
 ping her boy? Because it's a hiding of the 
 son (sun). 
 
 When does a man's hair resemble a pack- 
 ing box? When it stands on end. 
 
 Why is a woman who tries to drive a 
 balky horse like a successful actress? Be- 
 cause she's the leading lady. 
 
 Why is a mad bull an animal of con- 
 vivial disposition? Because he offers a horn 
 to every one he meets. 
 
i8o HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 When is silence likely to get wet? When 
 it reigns. 
 
 How do you malce a Maltese cross ? Pull 
 its tail. 
 
 What is a waste (waist) o£ time? The 
 middle of an hour glass. 
 
 Who is the most popular preacher? 
 Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he is 
 silent. 
 
 Why is a muddy road a guardian of the 
 public safety? Because it reduces the speed 
 of autos. 
 
 Why does a student never lead a sedentary 
 life? Because he's always pursuing his 
 studies. 
 
 Why arc bishops like superannuated 
 washerwomen? Because they wear lawn 
 dresses (were laundresses). 
 
 Why can no clergyman have a wooden 
 leg? ^ Because, although a chaplain may be 
 a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un 
 (layman). 
 
 If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, 
 what is squeezing point? Two in the shade. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS i8i 
 
 What is that which becomes too young the 
 longer it exists? A portrait. 
 
 What is that which we often catch yet 
 never see? A passing remark. 
 
 What is the geometrical form of an es- 
 caped parrot? A polygon (poUy gone). 
 
 Why is a lamp like a house? Because it 
 has a chimney. 
 
 Why is the wall going to decay? Because 
 you can see its molding. 
 
 How does a tipsy man generally look? 
 Dizzy-pated. 
 
 At what age should a man marry? At 
 the parsonage. 
 
 Why is a committee of inquiry like a 
 cannon? It makes a report. 
 
 What is the most popular paper at a sum- 
 mer resort? Flypaper. 
 
 What coat is finished without buttons and 
 put on wet? A coat of paint. 
 
 Why do you think that a judge of the 
 criminal court is looked upon with con- 
 tempt? Because every day the worst of 
 scoundrels are set before him. 
 
i82 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Wh/ is a Book like a king? It has many 
 pages. 
 
 What roof never keeps out the wet? The 
 roof of the mouth. 
 
 What fruit is on a cent? A date. 
 
 Why are good women like ivy? Because 
 the greater the ruin, the closer they cling. 
 
 Why are bad women like ivy? Because 
 the closer they cling the greater the ruin. 
 
 Echoes 
 
 What must be done to conduct a news- 
 paper right? Write. 
 
 What is necessary to a farmer to assist 
 him ? System. 
 
 What would give a blind man the great- 
 est delight? Light. 
 
 What is the best advice to give a justice 
 of the peace? Peace. 
 
 Who commit the greatest abominations? 
 Nations. 
 
 Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire. 
 
 What made the tart tart? Because she 
 didn't want the baker to bake her. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 Charades, Stories, and Contests 
 
 My first makes company, 
 My second shuns company, 
 My third assembles company. 
 My whole puzzles company. 
 
 Co-nun-drum. 
 
 My first is a reflection, my second not so 
 much, and my whole none at all. Thought- 
 less. 
 
 I lived upon my own substance and died 
 when I had devoured myself, A candle. 
 
 I have hands, but no fingers ; no bed, but 
 a tick. A clock. 
 
 You can hang me on the wall, but if you 
 take me down, you cannot hang me up again. 
 Wall paper. 
 
 In my first my second sat, my third and 
 fourth I ate, In-sat-i-ate. 
 
 ^S 
 
i84 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 May my first never be lost in my second, 
 To prevent me from enjoying my whole. 
 
 Friendship. 
 
 My lirst I do, and my second — when I 
 say you are my whole — I do not. Love-lie 
 (Lovely). 
 
 My first is a prop, my second also is a 
 prop, and my whole is a prop as well. Foot- 
 stool. 
 
 Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; 
 scratch my back, and I'm nobody. A mir- 
 ror. 
 
 By well employing my second you will 
 never regret my first, and you will the more 
 thoroughly enjoy my whole. Past-time. 
 
 When you stole my first, I lost my second, 
 and you are the only person to give me my 
 whole. Hearts-ease. 
 
 Why Isi the emblem of America more last- 
 ing than that of France, England, Ireland, 
 or Scotland? 
 
 The lily may fade, and its leaves decay, 
 
 The rose from its stem may sever; 
 Shamrock and thistle may pass away, 
 But the stars shall shine for ever. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 185 
 
 Read see that me but not my got 
 Up shall I love if me love for- 
 And you love you that love for be 
 Down and you if you do you shall 
 Read up and down and you shall see. 
 
 Can you tell me why 
 A hypocrite's eye 
 Can better descry 
 Than you or I 
 On how many toes 
 A pussy-cat goes? 
 
 A man of deceit 
 Can best count-er-f elt ; 
 And so, I suppose, 
 Can best count her toes. 
 
 My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a 
 
 door; 
 My second is made into calces and a bun; 
 My third is, believe me, by none thought a 
 
 bore; 
 My whole we have frequently been led to 
 believe by many authors of the United 
 States is very often indeed called one. 
 Mat-ry ( e ) -money. 
 
 Why is a cross old bachelor lilce the pre- 
 
i86 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 ceding conundrum? Because he's averse to 
 matrimony. 
 
 By equal division, I know I am right; 
 The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight. 
 
 VIII 
 
 XIII, "Ain: VIII 
 
 I came to a field and couldn't get through it; 
 So I went to school and learned how to do it. 
 
 Fence. 
 
 Legs have I got, but seldom walk, 
 I backbite all, yet never talk. 
 
 A flea. 
 
 I am a good state, there can be no doubt 
 
 of it; 
 But those who are in, entirely are out of It. 
 
 Sane; insane. 
 
 Formed long ago, yet made to-day, 
 
 I'm most employed while others sleep; 
 
 What none would like to give away. 
 Yet no one likes to keep. 
 
 Bed. 
 
 My first of anything is half, 
 My second is complete; 
 
 And so remains until once more 
 My first and second meet. 
 
 Seml-clrcle. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 187 
 
 Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, 
 Who Is that highly favored man, 
 Who, though he has married many a wife, 
 May still live single all his life? 
 
 A clergyman. 
 
 Great numbers do our use despise, 
 But yet, at last they find, 
 
 Without our help in many things, 
 They might as well be blind. 
 
 Spectacles. 
 
 My love for you will never know 
 My first, nor yet my second; 
 
 'Tis like your wit and beauty, so 
 My whole 'twill aye be reckoned. 
 
 End-less. 
 
 As I was going through a field of wheat, 
 I found something good to eat; 
 It wasn't fish or flesh or bone; 
 I kept it till it ran alone. 
 
 An egg. 
 
 There's a word composed of three letters 
 
 alone 
 Which reads backwards and forwards the 
 
 same. 
 It expresses the sentiments warm from th^ 
 
 heart. 
 
1 88 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 And to beauty lays principal claim. 
 
 Eye. 
 
 We travel much, yet pris'ners are, 
 And close confined to boot; 
 
 We with the swiftest horse keep pace, 
 Yet always go on foot. 
 
 A pair of spurs. 
 
 My first doth afiliction denote. 
 
 Which my second is destined to feel; 
 
 But my whole is the sure antidote 
 
 That affliction to soothe and to heal. 
 
 Wo-man. 
 
 Those who take me improve, be their task 
 
 what it may. 
 Those who have me are sorrowful through 
 
 the long day; 
 I am hated alike by the foolish and wise. 
 Yet without me none ever to eminence rise. 
 
 Pains. 
 
 Your initials begin with an A, 
 You've an A at the end of your name. 
 The whole of your name is an A, 
 And it's backwards and forwards the same. 
 
 Anna. 
 
 Ever running on my race. 
 Never staying at one place, 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 189 
 
 Through the world I make my tour, 
 Everywhere at the same hour. 
 If you please to spell my name, 
 Reversed or forward it's the same. 
 
 Noon. 
 
 You name me once, and I am famed 
 For deeds of noble daring; 
 
 You name me twice, and I am found 
 In savage customs sharing. 
 
 Tar-tar. 
 
 What is that which lives in winter, dies 
 in summer, and grows with its root upwards? 
 An icicle. 
 
 Water soft is my Erst, water hard is my 
 
 second. 
 Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet 
 
 reckon'd. 
 
 Liquor-ice (licorice). 
 
 From a number that's odd cut off the head, 
 
 It then will even be. 
 Its tail, I pray, next take away. 
 
 Your mother then you'll see. 
 
 Seven — even — Eve. 
 
 My first is of illustrious line. 
 
 Of beauteous form and face divine ; 
 
 Which when my second does assail, 
 
I90 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Both form and beauty then do fail; 
 My whole an arduous task to do 
 With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue. 
 
 Man-age. 
 
 A stranger comes from foreign shores, 
 
 Perchance to seek relief ;_ 
 Curtail him, and you find his tale 
 
 Unworthy of belief; 
 Curtailed again, you recognize 
 
 An old Egyptian chief. 
 
 Alien — a lie — Ali. 
 
 An ugly little fellow, that some might call a 
 
 pet. 
 Was easily transmuted to a parson when he 
 
 ate; 
 And when he set off running, an Irishman 
 
 was he; 
 Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon 
 
 a tree. 
 
 Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant. 
 
 Ere Adam was, my early days began; 
 I ape each creature", and resemble man; 
 I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass. 
 Nor leave the least impression where I pass ; 
 Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt, 
 Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt, 
 Sy et seen each day ; if not, be sure at night 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 191 
 
 You'll quickly find me out by candlelight. 
 
 Shadow. 
 
 'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered 
 
 in Hell, 
 And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell ; 
 On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to 
 
 rest. 
 And the depths of the ocean its presence 
 
 confessed. 
 'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven 
 
 asunder. 
 Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the 
 
 thunder. 
 'Twas allotted to man with his earliest 
 
 breath, 
 Attends at his birth, and awaits him in 
 
 death; 
 It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and 
 
 health. 
 Is the prop of his house, and the end of his 
 
 wealth. 
 In the whispers of conscience its voice will 
 
 be found. 
 Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be 
 
 drowned. 
 In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with 
 
 care, 
 But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir. 
 
192 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf 
 
 to the ear, 
 '(Twill make it acutely and instantly hear. 
 Without it the soldier and sailor may roam, 
 But woe to the wretch who expels it from 
 
 home! 
 So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower : 
 Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour I 
 
 The letter " H." 
 
 Stories 
 
 How do you punctuate the sentence, " I 
 saw a five-dollar bill on the street? " Make 
 a dash after it. 
 
 There was a carpenter who made a cup- 
 board door; it proved too big. He cut it, 
 and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he 
 thereupon cut it again, and made it fit beau- 
 tifully. How was this? He did not cut it 
 enough the first time. 
 
 There are twelve birds in a covey. A 
 hunter kills a brace, then how many remain? 
 None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly 
 away. 
 
 A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he 
 could see more with one eye than his friend 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 193 
 
 could with two. How was this? Because 
 he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other 
 only saw his one. 
 
 A hunter and his dog went out hunting. 
 The dog went not behind, went not before, 
 nor on one side of him. Where did he go? 
 On the other side. 
 
 Which would you rather — look a greater 
 fool than you are, or be a greater fool than 
 you look? (Let the person choose, then 
 say, "That is impossible.") 
 
 Which would you rather — ^that a lion ate 
 you or a tiger? Why, you would rather 
 that the lion ate the tiger, of course. 
 
 A man stopped before the window of a 
 trunk store; within, a large trunk was 
 marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one 
 "$15.00," and a small one bore the placard, 
 "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the 
 man said, and walked on. 
 
 A man was crossing a bridge over a small 
 stream, and noticed a sign which read, 
 " Don't fish here." " Do they?, " he asked, 
 and walked on. 
 
194 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Age Contest 
 
 What age will people reach if they llv^ 
 long enough? Dotage. 
 
 To what age do most people looE for- 
 ward? Marriage. 
 
 A necessary attribute gf a soldier? 
 Courage. 
 
 What age is required at sea? Tonnage. 
 
 What age are we forbidden to worship? 
 Image. 
 
 What iage do people get stucK on? 
 • Mucilage. 
 
 What age is neither more nor less? 
 Average. 
 
 What is the iage of profanity? Damage. 
 
 At what age will vessels ride safely? 
 Anchorage. 
 
 What age does the infant in arms pas§ 
 through ? Crib-bage. 
 
 What age does the small boy enjoy? 
 Sauce-age (sausage). 
 
 What age is the young lady most inter- 
 ested io?: Garb-age. 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 195 
 
 What age does the child in primary school 
 dislike? Ad (d) -age. 
 
 What age does the bride desire ? Dotage. 
 
 What age is necessary for a clergyman? 
 Parsonage. 
 
 What Is the age of communication? 
 Postage. 
 
 What age is most important to travelers? 
 Mileage. 
 
 What is the age of slavery? Bondage. 
 
 What age is served for breakfast? Sau- 
 sage. 
 
 What is the' most Indigestible age? 
 Cabbage. 
 
 What age signifies the farmer? Tillage. 
 
 What age belongs to travelers? Bag- 
 gage. 
 
 What'iage is an Indication of wealth? 
 Acreage. 
 
 What age do milliners delight In? Plum- 
 age. 
 
 What age is shared by a doctor and a 
 lawyer ? Patronage. 
 
196 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 What age is used in turkey stuffing? 
 (S)age. 
 
 What age do a number of people enjoy 
 in common? Village. 
 
 Ant Contest 
 
 What is the oldest ant? Adam-ant. 
 What ant hires his home? Tenant. 
 What ant is joyful? Jubilant. 
 What ant is learned? Savant. 
 What ant is well informed? Conversant. 
 What ant is trustworthy? Confidant. 
 What ant is proud? Arrogant. 
 What ant sees things? Observant. 
 What ant is angry? Indignant. 
 What ant tells things? Informant. 
 What ant is successful? Triumphant. 
 What ant is an officer? Commandant. 
 What ant is a beggar? Mendicant 
 What ant is obstinate? Defiant. 
 What ant is youngest? Infant, 
 
HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 197 
 
 What is the ruling ant? Dominant. 
 What is the wandering ant? Errant. 
 What ant lives in a house? Occupant. 
 What ant points out things? Significant 
 What ant is prayerful? Supplicant. 
 
 City Contest 
 
 What city is for few people? Scarcity. 
 Happy people? Felicity. 
 Hypocrites? Duplicity. 
 Chauffeurs ? Velocity. 
 Truthful people? Veracity. 
 Athletes? Elasticity. 
 Greedy people? Voracity. 
 Wild beasts? Ferocity. 
 Home lovers'? Domesticity. 
 Actors? Publicity. 
 Reporters? Audacity. 
 Wise people? Sagacity. 
 Hungry people? Capacity. 
 Telegraph operators? Electricity. 
 
198 HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS 
 
 Crowds ? Multiplicity. 
 Nations? Reciprocity. 
 Old people? Eccentricity. 
 Beggars ? Mendicity. 
 Unhappy people? Infelicity. 
 Office-seekers ? Pertinacity. 
 
 THE END 
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