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Ai \-]\^'i 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAt.E 
 
 Bartholomew Fair i 
 
 Cynthia's Revels ; or, The Fountain of Self- 
 
 LovE . . . . -159 
 
 Sejanos, his Fall ..... . . 307 
 
"BAIiTHOLOdMEW FcAI% 
 
 Jon. II. 
 
HIS comedy was produced, at the Hope 
 Theatre (on the Bank-side), October 31, 
 1614, and acted, as Jonson tells us, by 
 the Lady Elizabeth's servants. The Lady 
 Elizabeth was the daughter of James I. ; 
 she married the Elector Palatine, and 
 saw many evil days both as a wife and 
 mother : her descendants have been more fortunate, and 
 are now on the throne of Great Britain. 
 
 The Biographia Drainatica speaks of an edition of this 
 play in quarto, 1614. I know of no earlier one than the 
 folio, 1631-1641, nor do I believe that it ever appeared in 
 that form. In the title-page, it is said that it was dedicated 
 in the year 1614 to King James ; but by this expression no 
 more is meant than that it was addressed to him in an 
 occasional prologue, written for the purpose ; though this 
 probably led to the mistake just noticed. When this play 
 was printed James was dead. 
 
 Bartholomew Fair was always a favourite with the people : 
 this is easily accounted for from the ridicule with which it 
 covers the Puritans. It was revived, as might naturally be 
 expected, immediately after the Restoration, and was fre- 
 quently honoured with a royal command by Charles, whom 
 tradition represents as greatly delighted with the character 
 of Cokes, which was, indeed, excellently played by Wintersel 
 and afterwards by Nokes, the most celebrated comic per- 
 former of those days. To this comedy, Collin, the rustic 
 champion of Puritanism, is taken, on his visit to London, 
 
 3 
 
4 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 and D'Urfey gives a humorous account of his zeal and fury 
 at the scenical disgrace of Rabbi Busy. D'Urfey pays an 
 incidental compliment to this piece, by representing Collin 
 as completely deceived at first, and believing that what 
 he saw and heard of the Puritans was a scene of real life. 
 
 I am sorry to observe that the excellent folio of 1616 deserts 
 us here. Why this drama was not admitted into it, cannot 
 now be told, unless, as I believe was really the case, that 
 much of that volume was carried through the press some 
 time before it was given to the public. Be this as it may, 
 the subsequent plays do not exhibit, to my eye, the same 
 marks of Jonson's care as those already given : nor do 1 
 think that he concerned himself with the revision of the 
 folio now before us, or, indeed, ever saw it, though many 
 of the pieces contained in it are dated several years antece- 
 dent to his death. 
 To this comedy was prefixed the following apt motto : 
 
 Siforei in terris^ rideret Dejnocritits : iiavi 
 Spectaret ^opul^nn ludis attentius ipsis 
 Ut sibi prmhentein viimo spectacnla plura. 
 Scriptores aiiteni narrare putaret asello 
 Fahellajn surdo. — Hor. lib. ii. epist. i. 
 
To the King's Majesty. 
 
 Your Majesty is welcome to a Fair ; 
 
 Such place, such men, such language, and such ware 
 
 You must expect : with these, the zealous noise 
 
 Of your land's faction, scandalized at toys, 
 
 As babies, hobby-horses, puppet-plaj's. 
 
 And such-like rage, whereof the petulant ways 
 
 Yourself have known, and have been vext with long. 
 
 These for your sport, without particular wrong. 
 
 Or just complaint of any private man. 
 
 Who of himself, or shall think well, or can, 
 
 The maker doth present : and hopes to-night 
 
 To give you for a fairing true delight. 
 
John Littlewit, a Proctor. 
 
 Zeal-of-the-i,and Busy, suitor to Dame Purecraft, a 
 
 Banbury man.' 
 WiNWiB'E, his rival, a Gentleman. 
 Tom Quarlous, companion to Winwife, a Gamester. 
 Bartholomew Cokes, an Esquire of Harrow. 
 Humphrey Waspe, his man. 
 Adam Overdo, a Justice of Peace. 
 
 Lanthorn Leatherhead, a Hobby-horse Seller (toyman 
 EzEKiEL Edgworth, a Cutpurse. 
 Nightingale, a Ballad-singer. 
 Mooncalf, Tapster to Ursula. 
 Dan Jordan Knockem, a horse-courser and a ranger of 
 
 TurnbuU. 
 
 Val. Cutting, a Roarer, or bully. 
 
 Captain Whit, a Bawd. 
 
 Trouble-all, a Madman. 
 
 Bristle, | ,,, , , 
 
 } Watchmen. 
 Haggise, ) 
 
 POCHER, a Beadle. 
 
 FiLCHER, I t-v 1 
 
 SHARK well, ( Door-keepers to the puppet-show. 
 
 Solomon, Littlewit's man. 
 
 Northern, a Clothier (a Northern man). 
 
 Puppy, a Wrestler (a Western man). 
 
 Win-the-fight Littlewit. 
 
 Dame Purecraft, her Mother, and a Widow. 
 
 Dame Overdo. 
 
 Grace Wellborn, Ward to Justice Overdo. 
 
 Joan Trash, a Gingerbread- woman. 
 
 Ursula, a Pig-woman. 
 
 Alice, mistress o' the game. 
 
 Costardmonger, Mousetrap-man, Corncuiter, Watch, Porters, 
 
 Puppets, Passengers, Mob, Boys, &-c. 
 
 I-e., a Puritan. 
 
"BATiTHOLOoMEW FqAI%, 
 
 THE INDUCTION. 
 
 The Stage. 
 
 Enter the Stage-keeper. 
 
 TAGE. Gentlemen, have a little 
 patience, they are e'en upon com- 
 ing instantly. He that should 
 begin the play, Master Littlewit, 
 the proctor, has a stitch new fallen 
 in his black silk stocking ; 'twill 
 be drawn up ere you can tell 
 twenty : he plays one o' the Arches that dwells about 
 the hospital, and he has a very pretty part. But for 
 the whole play, will you have the truth on't ? — I am 
 looking, lest the poet hear me, or his man. Master 
 Brome,' behind the arras — it is like to be a very con- 
 ceited scurvy one, in plain English. When 't comes 
 to the Fair once, you were e'en as good go to Virginia, 
 for anything there is of Smithfield. He has not 
 hit the humours, he does not know them ; he has 
 not conversed with the Bartholomew birds, as they 
 
 ' The author's amanuensis. 
 7 
 
8 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 say ; he has ne'er a sword and buckler-man in his 
 Fair ; nor a little Davy, to take toll o' the bawds 
 there, as in my time ; nor a Kindheart, if anybody's 
 teeth should chance to ache, in his play ; nor a 
 juggler with a well-educated ape, to come over the 
 chain for a King of England, and back again for the 
 Prince, and sit still on his arse for the Pope and the 
 King of Spain. None of these fine sights ! Nor has 
 he the canvas cut in the night, for a hobby-horse-man 
 to creep into his she neighbour, and take his leap 
 there. Nothing ! No : an some writer that I know 
 had had but the penning o' this matter, he would 
 have made you such a jig-a-jog in the booths, you 
 should have thought an earthquake had been in the 
 Fair ! But these master-poets, they will have their 
 own absurd courses ; they will be informed of nothing. 
 He has (sir reverence) kicked me three or four times 
 about the tiring-house, I thank him, for but offering 
 to put in with my experience. I'll be judged by you, 
 gentlemen, now, but for one conceit of mine : would 
 not a fine pump upon the stage have done well for a 
 property now ? and a punk set under upon her head, 
 with her stern upward, and have been soused by my 
 witty young masters o' the Inns of Court ? What 
 think you of this for a show, now ? he will not hear o' 
 this ! I am an ass ! I ! and yet I kept the stage in 
 Master Tarleton's time,' I thank my stars. Ho ! an 
 that man had lived to have played in Bartholomew 
 Fair, you should have seen him have come in, and 
 have been cozened in the cloth-quarter, so finely ! and 
 Adams, the rogue,^ have leaped and capered upon him, 
 and have dealt his vermin about, as though they had 
 cost him nothing! and then a substantial watch to 
 
 " A celebrated comedian in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. 
 
BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 9 
 
 have stolen in upon them, and taken them away, 
 with mistaking words, as the fashion is in the stage- 
 practice. 
 
 Enter the Bookholder ' with a Scrivener. 
 
 Book. How now ! what rare discourse are you fallen 
 upon, ha ? have you found any familiars here, that 
 you are so free ? what's the business ? 
 
 Stage. Nothing, but the understanding gentlemen 
 o' the ground ^ here asked my judgment. 
 
 Book. Your judgment, rascal ! for what ? sweeping 
 the stage, or gathering up the broken apples for the 
 bears within ? Away, rogue, it's come to a fine 
 degree in these spectacles, when such a youth as you 
 pretend to a judgment. \_Exit Stage-keeper. J And 
 yet he may, in the most of this matter, i' faith : for 
 the author has writ it just to his meridian, and the 
 scale of the grounded judgments here, his play-fellows 
 in wit. — Gentlemen \comes forward'], not for want 
 of a prologue, but by way of a new one, I am sent out 
 to you here, with a scrivener, and certain articles 
 drawn out in haste between our author and you ; 
 which if you please to hear, and as they appear reason- 
 able, to approve of ; the play will follow presently — 
 Read, scribe ; give me the counterpane. 
 
 " Scriv. Articles of agreement, indented, between 
 the spectators or hearers, at the Hope on the Bank- 
 side in the county of Surrey, on the one party ; and 
 the author of Bartholomew Fair, in the said place 
 and county, on the other party : the one and thirtieth 
 day of October, 1614, and in the twelfth year of the 
 
 ' I.e., the prompter. ' J.e., the pit. 
 
lo BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 reign of our sovereign lord, James, by the grace of 
 God, King of England, France, and Ireland, defender 
 of the faith ; and of Scotland the seven and fortieth. 
 
 " Imprimis. It is covenanted and agreed, by and 
 between the parties aforesaid, and the said spectators 
 and hearers, as well the curious and envious, as the 
 favouring and judicious, as also the grounded judg- 
 ments and understandings, do for themselves severally 
 covenant and agree to remain in the places their 
 money or friends have put them in, with patience, for 
 the space of two hours and a half, and somewhat more. 
 In which time the author promiseth to present them 
 by us, with a new sufficient play, called Bartholomew 
 Fair, merry, and as full of noise as sport : made to 
 delight all, and to offend none ; provided they have 
 either the wit or the honesty to think well of them- 
 selves. 
 
 " It is further agreed, that every person here have 
 his or their free-will of censure, to like or dislike at 
 their own charge, the author having now departed 
 with his right : it shall be lawful for any man to judge 
 his sixpen'worth, his twelve pen'worth, so to his 
 eighteen-pence, two shillings, half a crown, to the 
 value of his place ; provided always his place get not 
 about his wit. And if he pay for half a dozen, he 
 may censure for all them too, so that he will under- 
 take that they shall be silent. He shall put in for 
 censures here, as they do for lots at the lottery ; 
 marry, if he drop but sixpence at the door, and will 
 censure a crown's-worth, it is thought there is no 
 conscience or justice in that. 
 
 " It is also agreed, that every man here exercise his 
 own judgment, and not censure by contagion, or upon 
 trust, from another's voice or face, that sits by him, be 
 
BAR THOL OME W FAIR. 1 1 
 
 he never so first in the commission of wit ; as also, 
 that he be fixed and settled in his censure, that what 
 he approves or not approves to-day, he will do the 
 same to-morrow ; and if to-morrow, the next day, and 
 so the next week, if need be ; and not to be brought 
 about by any that sits on the bench with him, though 
 they indite and arraign plays daily. He that will 
 ?,\\eax Jerommo or Andronicus are the best plays yet, 
 shall pass unexcepted at here, as a man whose judg- 
 ment shows it is constant, and hath stood still these 
 five and twenty or thirty years. Though it be an 
 ignorance it is a virtuous and staid ignorance ; and 
 next to truth, a confirmed error does well ; such a 
 one the author knows where to find him. 
 
 " It is further covenanted, concluded, and agreed, 
 that how great soever the expectation be, no person 
 here is to expect more than he knows, or better ware 
 than a fair will afford : neither to look back to the 
 sword and buckler age of Smithfield, but content 
 himself with the present. Instead of a little Davy, to 
 take toll o' the bawds, the author doth promise a 
 strutting horse-courser, with a leer drunkard, two or 
 three to attend him, in as good equipage as you would 
 wish. And then for Kindheart, the tooth-drawer, a 
 fine oily pig-woman, with her tapster, to bid you 
 welcome, and a consort of roarers for music. A wise 
 justice of peace meditant, instead of a juggler with an 
 ape. A civil cutpurse searchant. A sweet singer of 
 new ballads allurant : and as fresh an hypocrite as 
 ever was broached, rampant. If there be never a 
 servant monster in the fair, who can help it, he says, 
 nor a nest of antiques ? he is loth to make nature 
 afraid in his plays, like those that beget tales, tempests, 
 and such like drolleries, to mix his head with other 
 
12 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 men's heels ; let the concupiscence of jigs and dances 
 reign as strong as it will amongst you ; yet if the 
 puppets will please anybody they shall be intreated to 
 come in. 
 
 " In consideration of which, it is finally agreed, by 
 the aforesaid hearers and spectators, That they neither 
 in themselves conceal, nor suffer by them to be 
 concealed, any state-decypherer, or politic picklock of 
 the scene, so solemnly ridiculous as to search out who 
 was meant by the gingerbread- woman,, who by the 
 hobby-horse man, who by the costardmonger, nay, 
 who by their wares. Or that \yill pretend to afBrm on 
 his own inspired ignorance, what Mirror of Magistrates" 
 is meant by the justice, what great lady by the pig- 
 woman, what concealed statesman by the seller of 
 mouse-traps, and so of the rest. But that such person, 
 or persons, so found, be left discovered to the mercy 
 of the author, as a forfeiture to the stage, and your 
 laughter aforesaid. As also such as shall so desper- 
 ately, or ambitiously play the fool by his place afore- 
 said, to challenge the author of scurrility, because the 
 language somewhere savours of Smithfield, the booth, 
 and the pigbroth, or of profaneness, because a madman 
 cries, God quit you, or bless you ! In witness whereof, 
 as you have preposterously put to your seals already, 
 which is your money, you will now add the other part 
 of suffrage, your hands. The play shall presently 
 begin. And though the Fair be not kept in the 
 same region that some here perhaps would have it, yet 
 think that therein the author hath observed a special 
 decorum, the place being as dirty as Smithfield, and 
 as stinking every whit. 
 
 ■ Alluding to the collection or series of poems so named, describing 
 the fall of the Unfortunate Great. 
 
BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 13 
 
 " Howsoever, he prays you to believe his ware is 
 still the same, else you will make him justly suspect 
 that he that is so loth to look on a baby or an hobby- 
 horse here, would be glad to take up a commodity of 
 them, at any laughter or loss, in another place." 
 
 \^Exeimt. 
 
i6 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [Act i. 
 
 change, in a summer evening, with a lace to boot, as 
 this has. Dear Win, let Master Winwife kiss you. 
 He comes a-wooing to our mother. Win, and may be 
 our father perhaps. Win. There's no harm in him. 
 Win. 
 
 Winw. None in the earth, Master Littlewit. 
 
 \_Kisses her. 
 
 Lit. I envy no man my delicates, sir. 
 
 Winw. Alas, you have the garden where they grow 
 still ! A wife here with a strawberry breath, cherry- 
 lips, apricot cheeks, and a soft velvet head, like a 
 melicotton. 
 
 Lit. Good, i' faith ! now dulness upon me, that I 
 had not that before him, that I should not light on't 
 as well as he ! velvet head ! 
 
 Winw. But my taste. Master Littlewit, tends to 
 fruit of a later kind ; the sober matron, your wife's 
 mother. 
 
 Lit. Ay, we know you aie a suitor, sir ; Win and I 
 both wish you well. By this licence here, would you 
 had her, that your two names were as fast in it as here 
 are a couple ! Win would fain have a fine young 
 father i' law, with a feather ; that her mother might 
 hood it and chain it with Mistress Overdo. But you 
 do not take the right course. Master Winwife. 
 
 Winw. No, Master Littlewit, why ? 
 
 Lit. You are not mad enough. 
 
 Winw. How ! is madness a right course ? 
 
 Lit. I say nothing, but I wink upon Win. You 
 have a friend, one Master Quarlous, comes here some- 
 times. 
 
 Winw. Why, he makes no love to her, does he ? 
 
 Lit. Not a tokenworth that ever 1 saw, I assure 
 you : but 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 17 
 
 Winw. What ? 
 
 Lit. He is the more mad-cap of the two. You do 
 not apprehend me. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. You have a hot coal in your mouth now, 
 you cannot hold. 
 
 Lit. Let me out with it, dear Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. I'll tell him myself. 
 
 Lit. Do, and take all the thanks, and much good do 
 thy pretty heart, Win. 
 
 ^ Mrs. Lit. Sir, my mother has had her nativity- 
 water cast lately by the cunning-men in Cow-lane, 
 and they have told her her fortune, and do ensure her, 
 she shall never have happy hour, unless she marry 
 within this sen'night ; and when it is, it must be a 
 madman, they say. 
 
 Lit. Ay, but it must be a gentleman madman. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, so the t'other man of Moor-fields 
 says. 
 
 Winw. But does she believe them ? 
 
 Lit. Yes, and has been at Bedlam twice since every 
 day, to inquire if any gentleman be there, or to come 
 there mad. 
 
 Winw. Why, this is a confederacy, a mere piece of 
 practice upon her by these impostors. 
 
 Lit. I tell her so ; or else, say I, that they mean 
 some young madcap gentleman ; for the devil can 
 equivocate as well as a shopkeeper : and therefore 
 would I advise you to be a little madder than Master 
 Quarlous hereafter. 
 
 Winw. Where is she, stirring yet ? 
 
 Lit. Stirring ! yes, and studying an old elder come 
 
 from Banbury, a suitor that puts in here at meal tide, 
 
 to praise the painful brethren, or pray that the sweet 
 
 singers may be restored ; says a grace as long as his 
 
 Jon. II. c 
 
,6 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [Act I. 
 
 change, in a summer evening, with a lace to boot, as 
 this has. Dear Win, let Master Winwife kiss you. 
 He comes a-wooing to our mother. Win, and may be 
 our father perhaps. Win. There's no harm in him. 
 Win. 
 
 Winw. None in the earth, Master Littlewit. 
 
 \Kisses her. 
 
 Lit. I envy no man my delicates, sir. 
 
 Winw. Alas, you have the garden where they grow 
 still ! A wife here with a strawberry breath, cherry- 
 lips, apricot cheeks, and a soft velvet head, like a 
 melicotton. 
 
 Lit. Good, i' faith ! now dulness upon me, that I 
 had not that before him, that I should not light on't 
 as well as he ! velvet head ! 
 
 Winw. But my taste, Master Littlewit, tends to 
 fruit of a later kind ; the sober matron, your wife's 
 mother. 
 
 Lit. Ay, we know you are a suitor, sir ; Win and I 
 both wish you well. By this licence here, would you 
 had her, that your two names were as fast in it as here 
 are a couple ! Win would fain have a fine young 
 father i' law, with a feather ; that her mother mighl 
 hood it and chain it with Mistress Overdo. But you 
 do not take the right course. Master Winwife. 
 
 Winw. No, Master Littlewit, why ? 
 
 Lit. You are not mad enough. 
 
 Winw. How ! is madness a right course ? 
 
 Lit. I say nothing, but I wink upon Win. You 
 have a friend, one Master Quarlous, comes here some- 
 times. 
 
 Winw. Why, he makes no love to her, does he ? 
 
 Lit. Not a tokenworth that ever 1 saw, I assure 
 you : but 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 17 
 
 Winw. What ? 
 
 Lit. He is the more mad-cap of the two. You do 
 not apprehend me. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. You have a hot coal in your mouth now, 
 you cannot hold. 
 
 Lit. Let me out with it, dear Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. I'll tell him myself. 
 
 Lit. Do, and take all the thanks, and much good do 
 thy pretty heart. Win. 
 -^ Mrs. Lit. Sir, my mother has had her nativity- 
 water cast lately by the cunning-men in Cow-lane, 
 and they have told her her fortune, and do ensure her, 
 she shall never have happy hour, unless she marry 
 within this sen'night ; and when it is, it must be a 
 madman, they say. 
 
 Lit. Ay, but it must be a gentleman madman. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, so the t'other man of Moor-fields 
 says. 
 
 Winw. But does she believe them ? 
 
 Lit. Yes, and has been at Bedlam twice since every 
 day, to inquire if any gentleman be there, or to come 
 there mad. 
 
 Winw. Why, this is a confederacy, a mere piece of 
 practice upon her by these impostors. 
 
 Lit. I tell her so ; or else, say I, that they mean 
 some young madcap gentleman ; for the devil can 
 equivocate as well as a shopkeeper : and therefore 
 would I advise you to be a little madder than Master 
 Quarlous hereafter. 
 
 Winw. Where is she, stirring yet ? 
 
 Lit. Stirring ! yes, and studying an old elder come 
 
 from Banbury, a suitor that puts in here at meal tide, 
 
 to praise the painful brethren, or pray that the sweet 
 
 singers may be restored ; says a grace as long as his 
 
 Jon. II. c 
 
i8 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 breath lasts him ! Sometime the spirit is so strong 
 with him, it gets quite out of him, and then my 
 mother, or Win, are fain to fetch it again with malm- 
 sey or aqua coelestis. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, indeed, we have such a tedious life 
 with him for his diet, and his clothes too ! he breaks 
 his buttons, and cracks seams at every saying he sobs 
 out. 
 
 Lit. He cannot abide my vocation, he says. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. No ; he told my mother, a proctor was a 
 claw of the beast, and that she had little less than 
 committed abomination in marrying me so as she has 
 done. 
 
 Lit. Every line, he says, that a proctor writes, 
 when it comes to be read in the bishop's court, is a 
 long black hair, kembed out of the tail of Anti- 
 christ. 
 
 Winw. When came this proselyte ? 
 
 Lit. Some three days since. 
 
 Enter Quarlous. 
 
 Qiiar. O, sir, have you ta'en soil here ? It's well a 
 man may reach you after three hours running yet ! 
 What an unmerciful companion art thou, to quit thy 
 lodging at such ungentlemanly hours ! none but a 
 scattered covey of fiddlers, or one of these rag-rakers 
 in dunghills, or some marrow-bone man at most, 
 would have been up Avhen thou wert gone abroad, by 
 all description. I pray thee what ailest thou, thou 
 canst not sleep ? hast thou thorns in thy eyelids, or 
 thistles in thy bed ? 
 
 Wiivw. I cannot tell : it seems you had neither in 
 your feet, that took this pain to find me. 
 
 Q,uar. No, an I had, all the lime hounds o' the city 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 
 
 ig 
 
 should have drawn after you by the scent rather. 
 
 Master John Littlewit ! God save you, sir. 'Twas a 
 hot night with some of us, last night, John : shall we 
 pluck a hair of the same wolf to-day,' Proctor John ? 
 
 Lit. Do you remember, Master Quarlous, what we 
 discoursed on last night ? 
 
 Quar. Not I, John, nothing that I either discourse 
 or do ; at those times I forfeit all to forgetfulness. 
 
 Lt't. No ! not concerning Win ? look you, there she 
 is, and drest, as I told you she should be ; hark you, 
 sir, [whispers him.] had you forgot ? 
 
 Quar. By this head I'll beware how I keep you 
 company, John when I drink, an you have this 
 dangerous memory : that's certain. 
 
 Lit. . Why, sir ? 
 
 <^m. Why ! we were all a little stained last night, 
 sprinkled with a cup or two, and I agreed with Proctor 
 John here, to come and do somewhat with Win (I 
 know not what 'twas) to-day ; and he puts me in mind 
 on't now ; he says he was coming to fetch me. Before 
 truth, if you have that fearful quality, John, to re- 
 member when you are sober, John, what you pi'omise 
 drunk, John ; I shall take heed of you, John. For 
 this once I am content to wink at you. Where's your 
 wife ? come hither, Win. [Kisses her. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Why, John ! do you see this, John ? look 
 you ! help me, John. 
 
 Lit. Q Win, fie, what do you mean. Win? be 
 womanly. Win ; make an outcry to your mother. 
 Win ! Master Quarlous is an honest gentleman, and 
 our worshipful good friend, Win ; and he is Master 
 Winwife's friend too ; and Master Winwife comes a 
 
 ' A proverbial phrase for getting intoxicated again with the same 
 liquor. 
 
2b 
 
 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 suitor to your mother, Win ; as I told you before, 
 Win, and may perhaps be our father. Win : they'll do 
 do you no harm. Win ; they are both our worshipful 
 good friends. Master Quarlous ! you must know 
 Master Quarlous, Win ; you must not quarrel with 
 Master Quarlous, Win. 
 
 Quar. No, we'll kiss again, and fall in. 
 
 \Kisses her again. 
 
 Lit. Yes, do, good Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. In faith, you are a fool, John. 
 
 Lit. A fool- John, she calls me ; do you mark that, 
 gentlemen ? pretty Littlewit of velvet ! a fool- John. 
 
 Qiiar. She may call you an apple- John,^ if you use 
 this. [Aside.'] [Ji'isses her again. 
 
 Wimv. Pray thee forbear, for my respect, some- 
 what. 
 
 Quar. Hoy-day ! how respective you are become o' 
 the sudden ! I fear this family will turn you reformed 
 too ; pray you come about again. Because she is in 
 possibility to be your daughter-in-law, and may ask 
 you blessing hereafter, when she courts it to Totenham 
 to eat cream ! Well, I will forbear, sir ; but, i' faith, 
 would thou wouldst leave thy exercise of widow-hunt- 
 ing once ; this drawing after an old reverend smock 
 by the splay-foot ! There cannot be an ancient tripe 
 or trillibub in the town, but thou art straight nosing 
 it, and 'tis a fine occupation thou'lt confine thyself to 
 when thou hast got one ; scrubbing a piece of buff, as 
 if thou hadst the perpetuity of Pannier-alley to stink 
 in ; or perhaps worse, currying a carcass that thou 
 hast bound thyself to alive. I'll be sworn, some of 
 them that thou art, or hast been a suitor to, are so old 
 as no chaste or married pleasure can ever become 
 
 ' A punning allusion to apple-squire : i.e., pimp or procurer. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 21 
 
 them ; the honest instrument of procreation has forty 
 years since left to belong to them ; thou must visit 
 them as thou wouldst do a tomb, with a torch or three 
 handfuls of link, flaming hot, and so thou mayst hap 
 to make them feel thee, and after come to inherit ac- 
 cording to thy inches. A sweet course for a man to 
 waste the brand of life for, to be still raking himself a 
 fortune in the old woman's embers ! We shall have 
 thee, after thou hast been but a month married to one 
 of them, look like the quartan ague and the black 
 jaundice met in a face, and walk as if thou hadst 
 borrowed legs of a spinner and voice of a cricket. 
 I would endure to hear fifteen sermons a week for her, 
 and such coarse and loud ones as some of them must 
 be ! I would e'en desire of fate, I might dwell in a 
 drum and take in my sustenance with an old broken 
 tobacco-pipe and a straw. Dost thou ever think to 
 bring thine ears or stomach to the patience of a dry 
 grace as long as thy table-cloth ; and droned out by 
 thy son here (that might be thy father) till all the 
 meat on thy board has forgot it was that day in the 
 kitchen ? or to brook the noise made in a question of 
 predestination by the good labourers and painful eaters 
 assembled together, put to them by the matron your 
 spouse ; who moderates with a cup of wine ever and 
 anon, and a sentence out of Knox between ? Or the 
 perpetual spitting before and after a sober-drawn ex- 
 hortation of six hours, whose better part was the hum- 
 h a-hum ? or to hear prayers groaned out over thy 
 iron chests, as if they were charms to break them ? 
 And all this for the hope of two apostle-spoons, to 
 suffer ! and a cup to eat a caudle in ! for that will be 
 thy legacy. She'll have conveyed her state safe 
 enough from thee, an she be a right widow. 
 
22 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act 1. 
 
 Winw. Alas, I am quite oiF that scent now. 
 Qtcar. How so ? 
 
 Wr/«nv. Put off by a brother of Banbury, one that, 
 they say, is come here, and governs all already. 
 
 Quar. What .do you call him ? I knew divers of 
 those Banburians when I was in Oxford. 
 Wtnw. Master Littlewit can tell us. 
 Lit. Sir ! — Good Win, go in, and if Master Bartho- 
 lomew Cokes his man come for the licence (the little 
 old fellow), let him speak with me. \_Exit Mrs. 
 Littlewit.] What say you, gentlemen ? 
 
 Wimv. What call you the reverend elder you told 
 me of, your Banbury man ? 
 
 Lit. Rabbi Busy, sir ; he is more than an elder, he 
 is a prophet, sir. 
 
 Qiiai'. O, I know him ! a baker, is he not ? 
 Lit. He was a baker, sir, but he does dream now 
 and see visions ; he has given over his trade. 
 
 Qua]'. I remember that too ; out of a scruple he 
 took that, in spiced conscience, those cakes he made, 
 were served to bridales, maypoles, morrices, and such 
 profane feasts and meetings. His christian name is 
 Zeal-of-the-land. 
 
 Lit. Yes, sir ; Zeal-of-the-land Busy. 
 Winw. How ! what a name'^ there ! 
 Lit. O, they have all such names, sir ; he was wit- 
 ness for Win here,— they will not be called godfathers 
 —and named her Win-the-fight ; you thoughfher 
 name had been Winnifred, did you not ? 
 Winw. I did indeed. 
 
 Lit. He would have thought himself a stark repro- 
 bate if it had. 
 
 Quar. Ay, for there was a blue-starch woman of 
 the name at the same time. A notable hypocritical 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 23 
 
 vermin it is ; I know him. One that stands upbn his 
 face more than his faith at all times : ever in seditious 
 motion and reproving for vainglory ; of a most lunatic 
 conscience and spleen, and affects the violence of 
 singularity in all he does : he has undone a grocer 
 here in Newgate-market, that broke with him, trusted 
 him with currants, as arrant a zeal as he, that's by the 
 way. By his profession he will ever be in the state of 
 innocence though, and childhood ; derides all anti- 
 quity, defies any other learning than inspiration ; 
 and what discretion soever years should aflford him, it 
 is all prevented in his original ignorance : have not to 
 do with him, for he is a fellow of a most arrogant and 
 invincible dulness, I assure you. — Who is this ? 
 
 Re-enter Mrs. Littlewit with Waspe. 
 
 Waspe. By your leave, gentlemen, with all my 
 heart to you ; and God you good morrow ! Master 
 Littlewit, my business is to you : is this licence 
 ready ? 
 
 Lit. Here, I have it for you in my hand. Master 
 Humphrey. 
 
 Waspe. That's well ; nay, never open or read it to 
 me, it's labour in vain, you know. I am no clerk, I 
 scorn to be saved by my book, i' faith, I'll hang first ; 
 fold it up on your word, and give it me. What must 
 you have for it ? 
 
 Lit. We'll talk of that anon. Master Humphrey. 
 
 Waspe. Now, or not at all, good Master Proctor ; I 
 am for no anons, I assure you. 
 
 Lit. Sweet Win, bid Solomon send me the little 
 black box within in my study. 
 
 Waspe. Ay, quickly, good mistress, I pray you ; for 
 I have bpth eggs on the spit, and iron in the' fire. 
 
24 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [ACT I. 
 
 \_Extt Mrs. Littlewit.] Say what you must have, 
 good Master Littlewit. 
 
 Lit. Why, you know the price. Master Numps. 
 
 Waspe. I know ! I know nothing, I : when tell 
 you me of knowing ? Now I am in haste, sir, I do 
 not know, and I will not know, and I scorn to know, 
 and yet, now I think on't, I will, and do know as well 
 as another ; you must have a mark for your thing 
 here, and eightpence for the box ; I could have saved 
 twopence in that, an I had bought it myself ; but 
 here's fourteen shillings for you. Good Lord, how 
 long your little wife stays ! pray God, Solomon, your 
 clerk, be not looking in the wrong box. Master 
 Proctor. 
 
 Lit. Good i' faith ! no, I warrant you, Solomon is 
 wiser than so, sir. 
 
 Waspe. Fie, fie, fie, by your leave, Master Littlewit, 
 this is scurvy, idle, foolish, and abominable, with all 
 my heart ; I do not like it. [ Walks aside. 
 
 Wi'nw. Do you hear ! Jack Littlewit, what business 
 ^does thy pretty head think this fellow may have, that 
 he keeps such a coil with ? 
 
 Quar. More than buying of gingerbread in the 
 cloister here, for that we allow him, or a gilt pouch in 
 the Fair ? 
 
 Lit. Master Quarlous, do not mistake him ; he is 
 his master's both-hands, 1 assure you. 
 
 Qt£ar. What ! to pull on his boots a-mornings, or 
 his stockings, does he ? 
 
 Lit. Sir, if you have a mind to mock him ; mock 
 him softly, and look t'other way : for if he apprehend 
 you fiout him once, he will fly at you presently. A 
 terrible testy old fellow, and his name is Waspe too. 
 
 Quar. Pretty insect ! make much on him. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 25 
 
 Waspe. A plague o' this box, and the pox too, and 
 on him that made it, and her that went for't, and all 
 that should have sought it, sent it, or brought it ! do 
 you see, sir. 
 
 Lit. Nay, good Master Waspe. 
 
 Waspe. Good Master Hornet, t — in your teeth, 
 hold you your tongue : do not I know you ? your 
 father was a 'pothecary, and sold clysters, more than 
 he gave, I wusse ; and t — in your little wife's teeth 
 too- — here she comes — 
 
 Re-enter Mrs. Littlewit with the box. 
 
 'twill make her spit, as fine as she is, for all her velvet 
 custard on her head, sir. 
 
 Lit. O, be civil, Master Numps. 
 
 Waspe. Why, say I have a humour not to be civil ; 
 how then ? who shall compel me, you ? 
 
 Lit. Here is the box now. 
 
 Waspe. Why, a pox o' your box, once again ! let 
 your little wife stale in it, an she will. Sir, I would 
 have you to understand, and these gentlemen too, if 
 they please 
 
 Winw. With all our hearts, sir. 
 
 Waspe. That I have a charge, gentlemen. 
 
 Lit. They do apprehend, sir. 
 
 Waspe. Pardon me, sir, neither they nor you can 
 apprehend me yet. You are an ass. I have a young 
 master, he is now upon his making and marring ; the 
 whole care of his well-doing is now mine. His foolish 
 schoolmasters have done nothing but run up and 
 down the country with him to beg puddings and cake- 
 bread of his tenants, and almost spoiled him ; he has 
 learned nothing but to sing catches and repeat Rattle 
 bladder, rattle ! and 0, Madge ! I dare not let him 
 
26 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 walk alone for fear of learning of vile tunes, which he 
 will sing at supper, and in the sermon-times ! If he 
 meet but a carman in the street, and I find him not 
 talk to keep him off on him, he will whistle him and 
 all his tunes over at night in his sleep ! He has a head 
 full of bees ! I am fain now, for this little time I am 
 absent, to leave him in charge with a gentlewoman : 
 'tis true, she is a justice of peace his wife, and a gentle- 
 woman of the hood, and his natural sister ; but what 
 may happen under a woman's government, there's the 
 doubt. Gentlemen, you do not know him ; he is 
 another manner of piece than you think for : but 
 nineteen years old, and yet he is taller than either of 
 you by the head, God bless him ! 
 
 Quar. Well, methinks this is a fine fellow. 
 
 Winw. He has made his master a finer by this 
 description, I should think. 
 
 Quar. 'Faith, much about one, it is cross and pile, 
 whether for a new farthing. 
 
 Waspe. I'll tell you, gentlemen 
 
 Ltt. Will't please you drink, Master Waspe. 
 
 Waspe. Why, I have not talked so long to be dry, sir. 
 You see no dust or cobwebs come out o' my mouth, do 
 you ? you'd have me gone, would you ? 
 
 Lit. No, but you were in haste e'en now, Master 
 Numps. 
 
 Waspe. What an I were ! so I am still, and yet I 
 will stay too ; meddle you with your match, your Win 
 there, she has as Httle wit as her husband, it seems : I 
 have others to talk to. 
 
 Lit. She's my match indeed, and as little wit as I, 
 good ! 
 
 Waspe. We have been but a day and a half in town, 
 gentlemen, 'tis true ; and yesterday in the afternoon 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 27 
 
 we walked London, to show the city to the gentle- 
 woman he shall marry, Mistress Grace ; but afore I 
 will endure such another half day with him, I'll be 
 drawn with a good gib-cat through the great pond at 
 home, as his uncle Hodge was. Why, we could not 
 meet that heathen thing all the day, but staid him : he 
 would name you all the signs over, as he went, aloud : 
 and where he spied a parrot or a monkey, there he 
 was pitched, with all the little long coats about him, 
 male and female ; no getting him away ! I thought 
 he would have run mad o' the black boy in Bucklers- 
 bury, that takes the scurvy, roguy tobacco there. 
 
 Lit. You say true. Master Numps ; there's such a 
 one indeed. 
 
 Waspe. It's no matter whether there be or no, 
 what's that to you ? 
 
 Quar. He will not allow of John's reading at any 
 hand. 
 
 Enter Cokes, Mistress Overdo, and Grace. 
 
 Cokes, O, Numps ! are you here, Numps ? look 
 where I am, Numps, and Mistress Grace too ! Nay, 
 do not look angerly, Numps : my sister is here and all, 
 I do not come without her. 
 
 Waspe. What the mischief do you come with her ? 
 or she with you ? 
 
 Cokes. We come all to seek you, Numps. 
 
 Waspe. To seek me ! why, did you all think I was 
 lost, or run away with your fourteen shillings worth 
 of small ware here ? or that I had changed it in the 
 Fair for hobby-horses ? 'Sprecious to seek me ! 
 
 Mrs. Over. Nay, good Master Numps, do you show 
 discretion, though he be exorbitant, as Master Overdo 
 says, and it be but for conservation o' the peace. 
 
28 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 Waspe. Marry gip, goody She-justice, Mistress 
 Frenchhood ! t— in your teeth, and t— in your 
 Frenchhood's teeth too, to do you service, do you see ! 
 Must you quote your Adam to me ! you think you are 
 Madam Regent still. Mistress Overdo, when I am in 
 place ; no such matter, I assure you, your reign is out, 
 when I am in, dame. 
 
 Mrs. Over. I am content to be in abeyance, sir, and 
 be governed by you ; so should he too, if he did well ; 
 but 'twill be expected you should also govern your 
 passions. 
 
 Waspe. Will it so, forsooth ! good Lord, how sharp 
 you are, with being at Bedlam yesterday ! Whetstone 
 has set an edge upon you, has he ? 
 
 Mrs. Over. Nay, if you know not what belongs to 
 your dignity, I do yet to mine. 
 
 Waspe. Very well then. 
 
 Cokes. Is this the licence, Numps ? for love's sake 
 let me see't ; I never saw a licence. 
 
 Waspe. Did you not so ? why, you shall not see't 
 then. 
 
 Cokes. An you love me, good Numps. 
 
 Waspe. Sir, I love you, and yet I do not love you 
 in these fooleries : set your heart at rest, there's 
 nothing in it but hard words ; and what would you 
 see it for ? 
 
 Cokes. I would see the length and the breadth on't, 
 that's all ; and I will see it now, so I will. 
 
 Waspe. You shall not see it here. 
 
 Cokes. Then I'll see it at home, and I'll look upon 
 the case here. 
 
 Waspe. Why, do so ; a man must give way to him 
 a little in trifles, gentlemen. These are errors, diseases 
 of youth ; which he will mend when he comes to 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 29 
 
 judgment and knowledge of matters. I pray you con- 
 ceive so, and I thank you : and I pray you pardon 
 him, and I thank you again. 
 
 Quar. Well , this dry nurse, I say still, is a delicate man . 
 Mrs. Lit. And I am for the cosset his charge : ^ 
 did you ever see a fellow's face more accuse him for 
 an ass ? 
 
 Qtiar. Accuse him ! it confesses him one without 
 accusing. What pity 'tis yonder wench should marry 
 such a Cokes ! 
 Winw. 'Tis true. 
 
 Quar. She seems to be discreet, and as sober as she 
 is handsome. 
 
 Winw. Ay, and if you mark her, what a restrained 
 scorn she casts upon all his behaviour and speeches ? 
 Cokes. Well, Numps, I am now for another piece 
 
 of business more, the Fair, Numps, and then 
 
 Waspe. Bless me ! deliver me ! help, hold me ! the 
 Fair ! 
 
 Cokes. Nay, never fidge up and down, Numps, and 
 vex itself. I am resolute Bartholomew in this ; I'll 
 make no suit on't to you : 'twas all the end of my 
 journey indeed, to show Mistress Grace my Fair. I 
 call it my Fair, because of Bartholomew : you know 
 my name is Bartholomew, and Bartholomew Fair. 
 
 Lit. That was mine afore, gentlemen ; this morning. 
 I had that, i' faith, upon his licence, believe me, there 
 he comes after me. 
 
 Quar. Come, John, this ambitious wit of yours, I 
 am afraid, will do you no good in the end. 
 Lit. No ! why, sir ? 
 
 Quar. You grow so insolent with it, and overdoing, 
 John, that if you look not to it, and tie it up, it will 
 " A cosset is a lamb, colt, &c., brought up by hand. 
 
30 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 bring you to some obscure place in time, and there 
 'twill leave you. 
 
 Winw. Do not trust it too much, John, be more 
 sparing, and use it but now and then ; a wit is a 
 dangerous thing in this age ; do not over-buy it. 
 
 Lit. Think you so, gentlemen ? I'll take heed on't 
 hereafter. 
 
 Mm. Lit. Yes, do, John. 
 
 Cokes. A pretty little soul, this same Mistress 
 Littlewit, would I might marry her ! 
 
 Grace. So would I ; or anybody else, so I might 
 scape you. \Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Numps, I will see it, Numps, 'tis decreed : 
 never be melancholy for the matter. 
 
 Waspe. Why, see it, sir, see it, do see it : who 
 hinders you ? why do you not go see it ? 'slid, see it. 
 
 Cokes. The Fair, Numps, the Fair. 
 
 Waspe. Would the Fair, and all the drums and 
 rattles in it, were in your belly for me ! they are 
 already in your brain. He that had the means to 
 travel your head now, should meet finer sights than 
 any are in the Fair, and make a finer voyage on't ; to 
 see it all hung with cockleshells, pebbles, fine wheat 
 straws, and here and there a chicken's feather, and a 
 cobweb. 
 
 Qiiar. Good faith, he looks, methinks, an you mark 
 him, like one that were made to catch flies, with his 
 Sir Cranion-legs.' 
 
 " I.e., small spider-like legs ; but Cranion is the fairy appellation 
 for a fly. Thus Drayton : 
 
 " Four nimble gnats the horses were, 
 Their harnesses of gossamere, 
 Fly Cranion, her charioteer, 
 
 Upon the coach-box getting." 
 
 Nimphidia. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 31 
 
 Wiiiw. And his Numps, to flap them away. 
 
 Waspe. God be wi' you, sir, there's your bee in a 
 box, and much good do't you. 
 
 \_Gives Cokes the box. 
 
 Cokes. Why, your friend, and Bartholomew ; an 
 you be so contumacious. 
 
 Quar. What mean you, Numps ? 
 
 \_Takes Waspe aside as he is going out. 
 
 Waspe. I'll not be guilty, I, gentlemen. 
 
 Over. You will not let him go, brother, and lo.se 
 him ? 
 
 Cokes. Who can hold that will away ? I had rather 
 lose him than the Fair, I wusse. 
 
 Waspe. You do not know the inconvenience, gentle- 
 men, you persuade to, nor what trouble I have with 
 him in these humours. If he go to the Fair, he will 
 buy of everything to a baby there ; and household 
 stuff for that too. If a leg or an arm on him did not 
 grow on, he would lose it in the press. Pray heaven I 
 bring him off with one stone ! And then he is such a 
 ravener after fruit ! — ^you will not believe what a coil 
 I had t'other day to compound a business between a 
 Cather'ne-pear woman and him, about snatching : 'tis 
 intolerable, gentlemen. 
 
 Wiiiw. O, but you must not leave him now to these 
 hazards, Numps. 
 
 Waspe. Nay, he knows too well I will not leave him, 
 and that makes him presume. Well, sir, will you go 
 now ? if you have such an itch in your feet, to foot it 
 to the Fair, why do you stop, am. I [o'] your tarriers ? 
 go, will you go, sir ? why do you not go ? 
 
 Cokes. O, Numps, have I brought you about ? 
 come, Mistress Grace, and sister, I am resolute Bat, i' 
 faith, still. 
 
32 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act I. 
 
 Gra. Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair, nor 
 ambition to see it ; there's none goes thither of any 
 quality or fashion. 
 
 Cokes. O Lord, sir ! you shall pardon me. Mistress 
 Grace, we are enow of ourselves to make it a fashion ; 
 and for qualities, let Numps alone, he'll find qualities. 
 Q,uar. What a rogue in apprehension is this, to 
 understand her language no better ! 
 
 Wirm. Ay, and offer to marry her ! Well, I will 
 leave the chase of my widow for to-day, and directly 
 to the Fair. These flies cannot, this hot season, but 
 engender us excellent creeping sport. 
 
 Quar. A man that has but a spoonful of brain 
 would think so.^ — ^Farewell, John. 
 
 {^Exeunt Quarlous and Winwife. 
 Lit. Win, you see 'tis in fashion to go to the Fair, 
 Win ; we must to the Fair too, you and I, Win. I 
 have an affair in the Fair, Win, a puppet-play of mine 
 own making, say nothing, that I writ for the motion- 
 man, which you must see, Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. I would I might, John ; but my mother 
 will never consent to such a profane motion, she will 
 call it. 
 
 Lit. Tut, we'll have a device, a dainty one. Now, 
 Wit, help at a pinch, good Wit come, come good Wit, 
 an it be thy will ! I have it. Win, I have it, i' faith, 
 and 'tis a fine one. Win, long to eat of a pig, sweet 
 Win, in the Fair, do you see, in the heart of the Fair, 
 not at Pye-corner. Your mother will do anything, 
 Win, to satisfy your longing, you know ; pray thee 
 long presently ; and be sick o' the sudden, good Win. 
 I'll go in and tell her ; cut thy lace in the meantime, 
 and play the hypocrite, sweet Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. No, I'll not make me unready for it. I 
 
SCENE I.J BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 33 
 
 can be hypocrite enough, though I were never so 
 strait-laced. 
 
 Lit. You say true, you have been bred in the family, 
 and brought up to't. Our mother is a most elect 
 hypocrite, and has maintained us all this seven year 
 with it, like gentlefolks. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Ay, let her alone, John, she is not a wise 
 wilful widow for nothing ; nor a sanctified sister for a 
 song. And let me alone too, I have somewhat o' the 
 mother in me, you shall see ; fetch her, fetch her — 
 \_Exit LiTTLEWiT. j Ah ! ah ! \^Seems to swoon. 
 
 Re-enter Littlewit with Dame Purecraft. 
 
 Pure. Now the blaze of the beauteous discipline 
 fright away this evil from our house ! how now, 
 Win-the-fight, child ; how do you ? sweet child, speak 
 tome. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, forsooth. 
 
 Pure. Look up, sweet Win-the-fight, and suffer not 
 the enemy to enter you at this door, remember that 
 your education has been with the purest. What pol- 
 luted one was it, that named first the unclean beast, 
 pig, to you, child ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit Uh, uh ! 
 
 Lit. Not I, on my sincerity, mother ; she longed 
 above three hours ere she would let me know it. — Who 
 was it, Win ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. A profane black thing with a beard, 
 John. 
 
 Pure. O, resist it, Win-the-fight, it is the tempter, 
 the wicked tempter, you may know it by the fleshly 
 motion of pig ; be strong against it, and its foul temp- 
 tations, in these assaults, whereby it broacheth flesh 
 and blood, as it were on the weaker side ; and pray 
 
 Jon. II. D 
 
34 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 against its carnal provocations ; good child, sweet child, 
 pray. 
 
 Lit. Good mother, I pray you that she may eat 
 some pig, and her belly full too ; and do not you cast 
 away your own child, and perhaps one of mine, with 
 your tale of the tempter. How do you do, Win, are 
 you not sick ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, a great deal, John, uh, uh ! 
 
 Pure. What shall we do ? Call our zealous brother 
 Busy hither, for his faithful fortification in this charge 
 of the adversary. \^Exit Littlewit.] Child, my 
 dear child, you shall eat pig ; be comforted, my sweet 
 child. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Ay, but in the Fair, mother. 
 
 Pure. I mean in the Fair, if it can be any way made 
 or found lawful. 
 
 Re-enter Littlewit. 
 
 Where is our brother Busy ? will he not come ? Look 
 up, child. 
 
 Lit. Presently, mother, as soon as he has cleansed 
 his beard. I found him fast by the teeth in the cold 
 turkey-pie in the cupboard, with a great white loaf 
 on his left hand, and a glass of malmsey on his right. 
 
 Pure. Slander not the brethren, wicked one. 
 
 Lit. Here he is now, purified, mother. 
 
 Enter Zeal-of-the-land Busy. 
 
 Pure. O, brother Busy ! your help here, to edify 
 and raise us up in a scruple : my daughter Win-the- 
 fight is visited with a natural disease of women, called 
 a longing to eat pig. 
 
 Lit. Ay, sir, a Bartholomew pig ; and in the Fair. 
 
 Ihire. And T would be satisfied from you, religiously- 
 wise, whether a widow of the sanctified assembly, or a 
 
SCKNE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 35 
 
 widow's daughter, may commit the act without offence 
 to the weaker sisters. 
 
 Busy. Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a 
 disease, a carnal disease, or appetite, incident to 
 women ; and as it is carnal and incident, it is natural, 
 very natural ; now pig, it is a meat, and a meat that 
 is nourishing and may be longed for, and so con- 
 sequently eaten ; it may be eaten ; very exceeding well 
 eaten : but in the Fair, and as a Bartholomew pig, it 
 cannot be eaten ; for the very calling it a Bartholomew 
 pig, and to eat it so, is a spice of idolatry, and you 
 make the Fair no better than one of the high-places. 
 This, I take it, is the state of the question : a high- 
 place. 
 
 Lit. Ay, but in state of necessity, place should give 
 place, Master Busy. I have a conceit left yet. 
 
 Fiire. Good brother Zeal-of-the-land, think to make 
 it as lawful as you can. 
 
 Lit. Yes, sir, and as soon as you can ; for it must be, 
 sir : you see the danger my little wife is in, sir. 
 
 Pure. Truly, I do love my child dearly, and I would 
 not have her miscarry, or hazard her first-fruits, if it 
 might be otherwise. 
 
 Bus. Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject 
 to construction, subject, and hath a face of offence 
 with the weak, a great face, a foul face ; but that face 
 may have a veil put over it, and be shadowed, as it 
 were ; it may be eaten, and in the Fair, I take it, in a 
 booth, the tents of the wicked : the place is not much, 
 not very much, we may be religious in the midst of 
 the profane, so it be eaten with a reformed mouth, 
 with sobriety, and humbleness ; not gorged in with 
 gluttony or greediness, there's the fear : for, should 
 she go there, as taking pride in the place, or delight 
 
36 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act i. 
 
 in the unclean dressing, to feed the vanity of the eye, 
 or lust of the palate, it were not well, it were not fit, 
 it were abominable,and not good. 
 
 Lit. Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't ; but 
 courage, Win, we'll be humble enough, we'll seek out 
 the homeliest booth in the Fair, that's certain ; rather 
 than fail, we'll eat it on the ground. 
 
 Pure. Ay, and I'll go with you myself, Win-the- 
 fight, and my brother Zeal-of-the-land shall go with us 
 too, for our better consolation. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Uh, uh ! 
 
 IJt. Ay, and Solomon too. Win, the more the 
 merrier. Win, we'll leave Rabbi Busy in a booth. 
 \_Aside to Mrs. Lit.] — Solomon ! my cloak. 
 
 Enter Solomon with the cloak. 
 
 Sal. Here, sir. 
 
 Bus. In the way of comfort to the weak, I will go 
 and eat. I will eat exceedingly, and prophesy ; there 
 may be a good use made of it too, now I think on't : 
 by the public eating of swine's flesh, to profess our 
 hate and loathing of Judaism, whereof the brethren 
 stand taxed. I will therefore eat, yea, I will eat 
 exceedingly. 
 
 Lit. Good, i' faith, I will eat heartily too, because I 
 will be no Jew, I could never away with that stiff- 
 necked generation : and truly, I hope my little one 
 will be like me, that cries for pig so in the mother's 
 belly. 
 
 Bus. Very likely, exceeding likely, very exceeding 
 likely, ^Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 SCENE I.— The Fair. 
 
 A number of Booths^ Stalls, &c., set out, Lanthorn 
 Leatherhead, Joan Trash, aitd others, sitting 
 by their wares. 
 
 Enter Justice Overdo, at a distance, in disguise. 
 
 VER. Well, in justice name, and the 
 king's, and for the commonwealth ! 
 defy all the world, Adam Overdo, 
 for a disguise, and all story ; for 
 thou hast fitted thyself, I swear. 
 Fain would I meet the Linceus now, 
 that eagle's eye, that piercing Epi- 
 daurian serpent (as my Quintus Horace calls him), 
 that could discover a justice of peace (and lately of the 
 Quorum) under this covering. They may have seen 
 many a fool in the habit of a justice ; but never till 
 now, a justice in the habit of a fool. Thus must we 
 do though, that wake for the public good ; and thus 
 hath the wise magistrate done in all ages. There is a 
 doing of right out of wrong, if the way be found. 
 Never shall I enough commend a worthy worshipful 
 man, sometime a capital member of this city, for his 
 high wisdom in this point, who would take you now 
 the habit of a porter, now of a carman, now of the 
 
 37 
 
38 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 dog-killer in this month of August ; and in the winter, 
 of a seller of tinder-boxes. And what would he do in 
 all these shapes ? marry, go you into every alehouse, 
 and down into every cellar ; measure the length of 
 puddings, take the gauge of black pots and cans, ay, 
 and custards, with a stick ; and their circumference 
 with a thread ; weigh the loaves of bread on his middle 
 finger ; then would he send for them home ; give the 
 puddings to the poor, the bread to the hungry, the 
 custards to his children ; break the pots, and burn the 
 cans himself : he would not trust his corrupt officers, 
 he would do it himself. Would all men in authorit}' 
 would follow this worthy precedent ! for alas, as we 
 are public persons, what do we know ? nay, what can 
 we know ? we hear with other men's ears, we see with 
 other men's eyes. A foolish constable or a sleepy 
 watchman, is all our information ; he slanders a 
 gentleman by the virtue of his place, as he calls it, 
 and we, by the vice of ours, must believe him. As, 
 awhile agone, they made me, yea me, to mistake an 
 honest zealous pursuivant for a seminary ; and a 
 proper young bachelor of musick, for a bawd. This 
 we are subject to that live in high place ; all our 
 intelligence is idle, and most of our intelligencers 
 knaves ; and by your leave, ourselves thought little 
 better, if not arrant fools, for believing them. I, Adam 
 Overdo, am resolved therefore to spare spy-money 
 hereafter, and make mine own discoveries. Many are 
 the yearly enormities of this Fair, in whose courts of 
 Pie-poudres ' I have had the honour, during the three 
 days sometimes to sit as judge. But this is the special 
 
 ' " From the French Pied-poudreux : a court held in fairs to do 
 justice to buyers and sellers, and for redress of all disorders com- 
 mitted in them. " 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 39 
 
 day for detection of those foresaid enormities. Here is 
 my black book for the purpose ; this the cloud that 
 hides me ; under this covert I shall see and not be 
 seen. On, Junius Brutus. And as I began, so I'll 
 end ; in justice' name, and the king's, and for the 
 commonwealth ! 
 
 \_Advaiices to the booths, and stands aside. 
 Leath. The Fair's pestilence dead methinks ; people 
 come not abroad to-day, whatever the matter is. Do 
 you hear, sister Trash, lady of the basket ? sit farther 
 with your gingerbread progeny there, and hinder not 
 the prospect of my shop, or I'll have it proclaimed in 
 the Fair, what stuff they are made on. 
 
 Trash. Why, what stuff are they made on, brother 
 Leatherhead ? nothing but what's wholesome, I assure 
 you. 
 
 Leath. Yes, stale bread, rotten eggs, musty ginger, 
 and dead honey, you know. 
 
 Over. Ay ! have I met with enormity so soon. 
 
 \^Aside. 
 Leath. I shall mar your market, old Joan. 
 Trash. Mar my market, thou too-proud pedler ! do 
 thy worst, I defy thee, I, and thy stable of hobby- 
 horses. I pay for my ground as well as thou dost : an 
 thou wrong'st me, for all thou art parcel-poet, and an 
 inginer, I'll find a friend who shall right me, and 
 make a ballad of thee, and thy cattle all over. Are 
 you puft up with the pride of your wares ? your 
 arsedine ? 
 
 Leath. Go to, old Joan, I'll talk with you anon ; 
 and take you down too, afore Justice Overdo : he is 
 the man must charm you, I'll have you in the Pie- 
 poudres. 
 
 Trash. Charm me ! I'll meet thee face to face, afore 
 
40 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 his worship, when thou darest : and though I be a 
 little crooked o' my body, I shall be found as upright 
 in my dealing as any woman in Smithfield, I ; charm 
 me ! 
 
 Over. I am glad to hear my name is their terror 
 
 yet ; this is doing of justice. \^Astde. 
 
 \_A number of people pass over the stage. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack ? what is't you buy ? what 
 do you lack ? rattles, drums, halberts, horses, babies o' 
 the best, fiddles of the finest ? 
 
 Enter Costurdmonger, foHowed by Nightingale. 
 
 Cost. Buy any pears, pears, fine, very fine pears ! 
 Trash. Buy any gingerbread, gilt gingerbread. 
 Night. Hey, [^sings. 
 
 Now the Fair's a filling ! 
 
 O for a tune to startle 
 
 The birds o' the booths here billing. 
 
 Yearly with old saint Bartle ! 
 
 The drunkards they are wading. 
 
 The punks and chapmen trading ; 
 
 Who'd see the Fair without his lading ? 
 
 Buy any ballads, new ballads ? 
 
 Enter Ursula j6'o»? her booth. 
 
 Urs. Fie upon't : who would wear out their youth 
 and prime thus, in roasting of pigs, that had any cooler 
 vocation ? hell's a kind of cold cellar to't, a very fine 
 vault, o' my conscience ! — What, Mooncalf! 
 
 Moon. \within.\ Here, mistress. 
 
 Night. How now, Ursula ? in a heat, in a heat ? 
 
 Urs. My chair, you false faucet you ; and my 
 morning's draught, quickly; a bottle of ale, to quench 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 41 
 
 me, rascal. I am all fire and fat, Nightingale, I shall 
 e'en melt away to the first woman, a rib again, I am 
 afraid. I do water the ground in knots, as I go, like 
 a great garden pot ; you may follow me by the SS I 
 make. 
 
 Night. Alas, good Urse ! was Zekiel here this 
 morning ? 
 
 Urs. Zekiel ? what Zekiel ? 
 
 Night. Zekiel Edgworth, the civil cutpurse, you 
 know him well enough ; he that talks bawdy to you 
 still : I call him my secretary. 
 
 Urs. He promised to be here this morning, I 
 remember. 
 
 Night. When he comes, bid him stay : I'll be back 
 again presently. 
 
 Urs. Best take your morning dew in your belly, 
 Nightingale. 
 
 Enter Mooncalf with the chair. 
 
 Come, sir, set it here ; did not I bid you should get a 
 chair let out o' the sides for me, that my hips might 
 play ? you'll never think of anything till your dame 
 be rump-galled ; 'tis well, changeling : because it can 
 take in your grasshopper's thighs, you care for no more. 
 Now, you look as you had been in the corner of the 
 booth, fleaing your breech with a candle's end, and set 
 fire o' the Fair. Fill, Stote, fill. 
 
 Over. This pig-woman do I know, and I will put 
 her in, for my second enormity ; she hath been before 
 me, punk, pinnace, and bawd, any time these two and 
 twenty years upon record in the Pie-poudres. \Aside. 
 
 Urs. Fill again, you unlucky vermin ! 
 
 Moon. Pray you be not angry, mistress, I'll have it 
 widened anon. 
 
42 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Urs. No, no, T shall e'en dwindle away to't, ere the 
 Fair be done, you think, now you have heated me : a 
 poor vexed thing I am, I feel myself dropping already 
 as fast as I can ; two stone o' suet a day is my propor- 
 tion. I can but hold life and soul together with this 
 (here's to you. Nightingale), and a whiif of tobacco at 
 most. Where's my pipe now ? not filled ! thou arrant 
 incubee. 
 
 Night. Nay, Ursula, thou'lt gall between the tongue 
 and the teeth, with fretting, now. 
 
 Urs. How can I hope that ever he'll discharge his 
 place of trust, tapster, a man of reckoning under me, 
 that remembers nothing I say to him ? \_Exit Night.] 
 but look to't, sirrah, you were best. Threepence a 
 pipe-full, I will have made, of all my whole half pound 
 of tobacco, and a quarter of pound of colts-foot mixt 
 with it too, to [eke] it out. I that have dealt so long 
 in the fire, will not be to seek in smoke now. Then 
 six and twenty shillings a barrel I will advance on my 
 beer, and fifty shillings a hundred on my bottle-ale ; I 
 have told you the ways how to raise it. Froth your 
 cans well in the filling, at length, rogue, and jog your 
 bottles o' the buttock, sirrah, then skink out the first 
 glass ever, and drink with all companies, though you be 
 sure to be drunk ; you'll misreckon the better, and be 
 less ashamed on't. But your true trick, rascal, must be, 
 to be ever busy, and mistake away the bottles and cans, 
 in haste, before they be half drunk off, and never hear 
 anybody call (if they should chance to mark you), till 
 you have brought fresh, and be able to forswear them. 
 Give me a drink of ale. 
 
 Over. This is the very womb and bed of enormity ! 
 gross as herself ! this must all down for enormity, all, 
 every whit on't. \_Aside. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 43 
 
 \_Knocking within. 
 
 . Urs. Look who's there, sirrah : five shilHngs a pig 
 
 is my price, at least ; if it be a sow pig, sixpence more ; 
 
 if she be a great-bellied wife, and long for't, sixpence 
 
 more for that. 
 
 Over. tempora ! mores ! I would not have lost 
 my discovery of this one grievance, for my place and 
 worship o' the bench. How is the poor subject abused 
 here ! Well, I will fall in with her, and with her 
 Mooncalf, and win out wonders of enormity ! [ Comes 
 forward?!^ — By thy leave, goodly woman, and the fat- 
 ness of the Fair, oily as the. king's constable's lamp, 
 and shining as his shooing-horn ! hath thy ale virtue, 
 or thy beer strength, that the tongue of man may be 
 tickled, and his palate pleased in the morning ? Let 
 thy pretty nephew here go search and see. 
 
 Urs. What new roarer is this ? 
 
 Moon. O Lord, do you not know him, mistress ? 'tis 
 mad Arthur of Bradley, that makes the orations. — 
 Brave master, old Arthur of Bradley, how do you ? 
 welcome to. the Fair ! when shall we hear you again, 
 to handle your matters, with your back against a booth, 
 ha ? I have been one of your little disciples, in my 
 days. 
 
 Over. Let me drink, boy, with my love, thy aunt 
 here ; that I may be eloquent : but of thy best, lest 
 it be bitter in my mouth, and my words fall foul on 
 the Fair. 
 
 Urs. Why dost thou not fetch him drink, and offer 
 him to sit ? 
 
 Moon. Is it ale or beer, Master Arthur ? 
 
 Over. Thy best, pretty stripling, thy best ; the 
 same thy dove drinketh, and thou drawest on holy- 
 days. 
 
44 
 
 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Urs. Bring him a sixpenny bottle of ale : they say 
 a fool's handsel is lucky. 
 
 Over. Bring both, child. \_Sits down in the booth.} 
 Ale for Arthur, and beer for Bradley. Ale for thine 
 aunt, boy.' \_Extt MooN.j My disguise takes to the 
 very wish and reach of it. I shall, by the benefit of 
 this, discover enough and more : and yet get off with 
 the reputation of what I would be : a certain middling 
 thing, between a fool and a madman. \_Astde. 
 
 Enter Knockem. 
 
 Knock. What ! my little lean Ursula ! my she-bear ! 
 art thou alive yet, with thy litter of pigs to grunt out 
 another Bartholomew Fair ? ha ! 
 
 Urs. Yes, and to amble a foot, when the Fair is 
 done, to hear you groan out of a cart, up the heavy 
 hill 
 
 Knock. Of Holbourn, Ursula, meanst thou so ? for 
 what, for what, pretty Urse ? 
 
 Urs. For cutting halfpenny purses, or stealing little 
 penny dogs out o' the Fair. 
 
 Knock. O ! good words, good words, Urse. 
 
 Over. Another special enormity. A cutpurse of 
 the sword, the boot, and the feather ! those are his 
 marks. \Aside. 
 
 Re-enter Mooncalf with the ale, &c. 
 
 Urs. You are one of those horse-leeches that gave 
 out I was dead, in TurnbuU-street, of a surfeit of bottle- 
 ale and tripes ? 
 
 Knock. No, 'twas better meat, Urse : cows' udders, 
 cows' udders ! 
 
 ' In the cant language of the age, aunt denoted a baivd. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 45 
 
 Urs. Well, I shall be meet with your mumbling 
 mouth one day. 
 
 Knock. What ! thou'lt poison me with a newt in a 
 bottle of ale, wilt thou ? or a spider in a tobacco-pipe, 
 Urse ? Come, there's no malice in these fat folks, I 
 never fear thee, an I can scape thy lean Mooncalf here. 
 Let's drink it out, good Urse, and no vapours ! 
 
 \_Exit Ursula. 
 
 Over. Dost thou hear, boy? There's for thy ale, 
 
 and the remnant for thee. — Speak in thy faith of a 
 
 faucet now ; is this goodly person before us here, this 
 
 vapours, a knight of the knife ? 
 
 Moon. What mean you by that. Master Arthur ? 
 Over. I mean a child of the horn-thumb, a babe of 
 booty, boy, a cutpurse. 
 
 Moon. O Lord, sir ! far from it. This is Master 
 Daniel Knockem Jordan : the ranger of Turnbull. He 
 is a horse-courser, sir. 
 
 Over. Thy dainty dame, though, called him cut- 
 purse. 
 
 Moon. Like enough, sir ; she'll do forty such things 
 in an hour (an you listen to her) for her recreation, if 
 the toy take her in the greasy kerchief : it makes her 
 fat, you see ; she battens with it. 
 
 Over. Here I might have been deceived now, and 
 have put a fool's blot upon myself, if I had not played 
 an after game of discretion ! \Aside. 
 
 Re-enter Ursula, dropping. 
 
 Knock. Alas, poor Urse ! this is an ill season for 
 thee. 
 
 Urs. Hang yourself, hackney-man ! 
 
 Knock. How, how, Urse ! vapours ? motion breed 
 vapours. 
 
46 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ir. 
 
 Urs. Vapours ! never tusk, nor twirl your dibble, 
 good Jordan, I know what you'll take to a very drop. 
 Though you be captain of the roarers, and fight well 
 at the case of piss-pots, you shall not fright me with 
 your lionrchap, sir, nor your tusks ; you angry ! you 
 are hungry. Come, a pig's head will stop your mouth, 
 and stay your stomach at all times. 
 
 Knock. Thou art such another mad, merry lUrse, 
 still ! troth I do make conscience of vexing thee, now 
 in the dog-days, this hot weather, for fear of foundering 
 thee in the body, and melting down a pillar of the 
 Fair. Pray thee take thy chair again, and keep state ; 
 and let's have a fresh bottle of ale, and a pipe of tobacco ; 
 and no vapours. I'll have this belly o' thine taken up, 
 and thy grass scoured, wench. — 
 
 Enter Edgworth. 
 
 Look, here's Ezekiel Edgworth ; a fine boy of his 
 ijiches, as any is in the Fair ! has still money in his 
 purse, and will pay all, with a kind heart, and good 
 vapours. 
 
 Edg. That I will indeed, willingly. Master Knockem ; 
 fetch some ale and tobacco. 
 
 \Exit Moon. — People cross the stage. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack, gentlemen ? maid, see a 
 fine hobby-horse for your young master ; Cost you but 
 a token a week his provender. 
 
 Re-enter Nightingale, with Corncutter and Mouse- 
 trap-man. 
 
 Corn. Have you any corns in your feet and toes ? 
 Mouse. Buy a mousetrap, a mousetrap, or a tor- 
 mentor for a flea ? 
 
 Trash. Buy some gingerbread ? 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOME W FAIR. 47 
 
 Night. Ballads, ballads ! fine new ballads : — 
 
 " Hear for your love, and buy for your money. 
 A delicate ballad o' the ferret and the coney. 
 A preservative again' the punk's evil. 
 Another of goose-green starch, and the devil.' 
 A dozen of divine points, and the godly garters : 
 The fairing of good counsel, of an ell and three 
 quarters." 
 
 What is't you buy ? 
 
 " The windmill blown down by the witch's fart. 
 Or Saint George, that, O ! did break the dragon's 
 heart." 
 
 Re-enter Mooncalf, with ale and Tobacco. 
 
 Edg. Master Nightingale, come hither, leave your 
 mart a little. 
 
 Night. O my secretary ! what says my secretary ? 
 
 \They walk into the booth. 
 
 Over. Child of the bottles, what's he ? what's he ? 
 
 {Points to Edgworth. 
 
 Moon. A civil young gentleman. Master Arthur, that 
 keeps company with the roarers, and disburses all still. 
 He has ever money in his purse ; he pays for them, 
 and they roar for him ; one does good offices for 
 another. They call him the secretary, but he serves 
 nobody. A great friend of the ballad-man's, they are 
 never asunder. 
 
 Oyer.' What pity 'tis, so civil a young man should 
 haunt this debauched company ? here's the bane of 
 the youth of our time apparent. A proper penman, 
 
 " This was " a goodly ballad against pride, showing how the devil 
 appeared to a lady which was starching her ruff by night. " 
 
BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 I see't in his countenance, he has a good clerk's look 
 with him, and I warrant him a quick hand. 
 
 Moon. A very quick hand, sir. \_Exit. 
 
 Edg. {whispering with Nightingale and Ursula.] 
 All the purses and purchase I give you to-day by 
 conveyance, bring hither to Ursula's presently. Here 
 we will meet at night in her lodge, and share. Look 
 you choose good places for your standing in the Fair, 
 when you sing, Nightingale. 
 
 Urs. Ay, near the fullest passages ; and shift them 
 often. 
 
 Edg. And in your singing, you must use your 
 hawk's eye nimbly, and fly the purse to a mark still, 
 where 'tis worn, and on which side ; that you may 
 give me the sign with your beak, or hang your head 
 that way in the tune. 
 
 Urs. Enough, talk no more on't : your friendship, 
 masters, is not now to begin. Drink your draught of 
 indenture,- your sup of covenant, and away : the Fair 
 fills apace, company begins to come in, and I have 
 ne'er a pig ready yet. 
 
 Knock. Well said ! fill the cups, and light the 
 tobacco : let's give fire in the works, and noble 
 vapours. 
 
 Edg. And shall we have smocks, Ursula, and good 
 whimsies, ha ? 
 
 Urs. Come, you are in your bawdy vein ! — the best 
 the Fair will afford, Zekiel, if bawd Whit keep his 
 word. — 
 
 Re-enter Mooncalf. 
 How do the pigs. Mooncalf ? 
 
 Moon. Very passionate, mistress, one of 'em has 
 wept out an eye.' Master Arthur o' Bradley is 
 
 ' When the eye of a pig in roasting drops out, it is a mark that 
 the pig is ahnost roasted enough. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 49 
 
 melancholy here, ftobody talks to him. Will you any 
 tobacco, Master Arthur ? 
 
 Over. No, boy ; let my meditations alone. 
 
 Moon. He's studying for an oration now. 
 
 Over. If I can with this day's travail, and all my 
 policy, but rescue this youth here out of the hands of 
 the lewd man and the strange woman, I will sit down 
 at night, and say with my friend Ovid, 
 Jamque opus exegi, quod nee Jovis t'ra, nee tgnts, &c. 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Knock. Here, Zekiel, here's a health to Ursula, and 
 a kind vapour ; thou hast money in thy purse still, 
 and store 1 how dost thou come by it ? pray thee 
 vapour thy friends some in a courteous vapour. 
 
 Edg. Half I have. Master Dan Knockem, is always 
 
 at your service. \Pulh out his purse. 
 
 Over. Ha, sweet nature ! what goshawk would prey 
 
 upon such a lamb ? \_Aside. 
 
 Knock. Let's see what 'tis, Zekiel ; count it, come, 
 fill him to pledge me. 
 
 Enter Winwife and Quarlous. 
 
 Winw. We are here before them, methinks. 
 
 Quar. All the better ; we shall see them come in 
 now. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack, gentlemen, what is't you 
 lack ? a fine horse ? a lion ? a bull ? a bear ? a dog or 
 a cat ? an excellent fine Bartholomew-bird ? or an 
 instrument ? what is't you lack ? 
 
 Quar. 'Slid ! here's Orpheus among the beasts, 
 with his fiddle and all ! 
 
 Trash. Will you buy any comfortable bread,' gentle- 
 men ? 
 
 ' I.e., spiced gingerbread. 
 Jon. II. E 
 
50 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Quar. And Ceres selling her daughter's picture, in 
 ginger-work. 
 
 Winw. That these people should be so ignorant to 
 think us chapmen for them ! Do' we look as if we 
 would buy gingerbread or hobby-horses ? 
 
 Quar. Why, they know no better ware than they 
 have, nor better customers than come : and our very 
 being here makes us fit to be demanded, as well as 
 others. Would Cokes would come ! there were a true 
 customer for them. 
 
 Knock. \to Edgworth.] How much is't ? thirty 
 shillings ? Who's yonder ! Ned Winwife and Tom 
 Quarlous, I think I yes : (give me it all, give it me all.) 
 — Master Winwife ! Master Quarlous ! will you take a 
 pipe of tobacco with us ? — Do not discredit me now, 
 Zekiel. [Edgworth gives him his purse. 
 
 Winw. Do not see him ; he is the roaring horse- 
 courser, pray thee let's avoid him : turn down this 
 way. 
 
 Quar. 'Slud, I'll see him, and roar with him too, 
 an he roared as loud as Neptune ; pray thee go with 
 me. 
 
 Winw. You may draw me to as likely an incon- 
 •venience, when you please, as this. 
 
 Quar. Go to then, come along ; we have nothing 
 to do, man, but to see sights now. 
 
 \They advance to the booth. 
 
 Knock. Welcome, Master Quarlous, and Master 
 Winwife ; will you take any froth and smoke with us ? 
 
 Quar. Yes, sir ; but you'll pardon us if we knew 
 not of so much familiarity between us afore. 
 
 Knock. As what, sir ? 
 
 Quar. To be so lightly invited to smoke and froth. 
 
 Knock. A good vapour ! will you sit down, sir ? 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 51 
 
 this is old Ursula's mansion ; how like you her bower ? 
 Here you may have your punk and your pig in state, 
 sir, both piping hot. 
 
 Qtiar. I had rather have my punk cold, sir. 
 
 Over. There's for me : punk ! and pig ! [Aside. 
 
 Urs. [wi'ikm.] What, Mooncalf, you rogue ! 
 
 Moon. By and by, the bottle is almost off, mistress ; 
 here. Master Arthur. 
 
 Urs. [withm.] I'll part you and your play fellow 
 there, in the garded coat, an you sunder not the sooner. 
 
 Knock. Master Winwife, you are proud, methinks, 
 you do not talk, nor drink ; are you proud ? 
 
 Winw. Not of the company I am in, sir, nor the 
 place, I assure you. 
 
 Knock. You do not except at the company, do you ! 
 are you in vapours, sir ? 
 
 Moon. Nay, good Master Daniel Knockem, respect 
 my mistressr's bower, as you call it ; for the honour of 
 our booth, none o' your vapours here. 
 
 Enter Ursula with a firebrand. 
 
 Urs. Why, you thin, lean polecat you, an they 
 have a mind to be in their vapours must you hinder 
 'em? What did you know, vermin, if they would 
 have lost a cloak, or such trifle ? must you be drawing 
 the air of pacification heie, while I am tormented 
 within i' the fire, you weasel ? 
 
 \_Astde to Mooncalf. 
 
 Moon. Good mistress, 'twas in behalf of your booth's 
 credit that I spoke. 
 
 Urs. Why 1 would my booth have broke if they 
 had fallen out in't, sir ? or would their heat have fired 
 it ? In, you rogue, and wipe the pigs, and mend the 
 fire that they fall not, or I'll both baste and roast you 
 
52 BAkTHOLOMEW FAIR. [ACT II. 
 
 till your eyes drop out like them. — Leave the bottle 
 behind you, and be curst awhile ! \_Exit Moon. 
 
 Quar. Body o' the Fair! what's. this? mother of 
 the bawds ? 
 
 Knock. No, she's mother of the pigs, sir, mother of 
 the pigs. 
 
 Winw. Mother of the furies I think, by her fire- 
 brand. 
 
 Quar. Nay, she is too fat to be a fury, sure some 
 walking sow of tallow ! 
 
 Winw. An inspired vessel of kitchen stuff ! 
 Quar. She'll make excellent geer for the coach- 
 makers here in Smithfield to anoint wheels and axle- 
 trees with. \_She drinks this while. 
 Urs. Ay, ay, gamesters, mock a plain, plump, soft 
 wench of the suburbs, do, because she's juicy and 
 wholesome ; you must have your thin pinched ware, 
 pent up in the compass of a dog-collar (or 'twill not 
 do), that looks like a long-laced conger set upright, 
 and a green feather, like fennel in the joll on't. 
 
 Knock. Well said, Urse, my good Urse ! to 'em, Urse ! 
 Quar. Is she your quagmire, Daniel Knockem ? is 
 this your bog ? 
 
 Night. We shall have a quart el presently. 
 Knock. How ! bog ? quagmire ? foul vapours ! 
 humph ! 
 
 Quar. Yes, he that would venture for't, I assure 
 him, might sink into her and be drowned a week ere 
 any friend he had could find where he were. 
 
 Winw. And then he would be a fortnight weighing 
 up again. 
 
 Quar. 'Twere like falling into a whole shire of 
 butter ; they had need be a team of Dutchmen should 
 draw him out. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FA/R. 53 
 
 Knock. Answer 'em, Urse : where's thy Bartholo- 
 mew wit now, Urse, thy Bartholomew wit ? 
 
 Urs. Hang 'em, rotten, roguy cheaters, I hope to 
 see them plagued one day (poxed they are already, I 
 am sure) with lean playhouse poultry, that has the 
 bony rump sticking out like the ace of spades or the 
 point of a partizan, that every rib of them is like the 
 tooth of a saw ; and will so grate them with their hips 
 and shoulders as (take 'em altogether) they were as 
 good lie with a hurdle. 
 
 Qtiar. Out upon her, how she drips ! she's able to 
 give a man the sweating sickness with looking on her. 
 
 Urs. Marry look off, with a patch on your face and 
 a dozen in your breech, though they be of scarlet, sir ! 
 I have seen as fine outsides as either of yours, bring 
 lousy linings to the brokers, ere now, twice a week. 
 
 Quar. Do you think there may be a fine new cucking- 
 stool ' in the Fair, to be purchased ; one large enough, 
 I mean ? I know there is a pond of capacity for her. 
 
 Urs. For your mother, you rascal ! Out you 
 rogue, you hedge-bird, you pimp, you pannier-man's 
 bastard, you ! 
 
 Quar. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Urs. Do you sneer, you dog's-head, you trendle- 
 tail ! you look as you were begotten a top of a cart in 
 harvest time, when the whelp was. hot and eager. Go, 
 snufF after your brother's bitch. Mistress Commodity ; 
 that's the livery you wear, 'twill be out at the elbows 
 shortly. It's time you went to't for the t'other 
 remnant. 
 
 Knock. Peace, Urse, peace, Urse ; — they'll kill the 
 poor whale and make oil of her. Pray thee go in. 
 
 ■ Now frequently corrupted into ducking-stoo'. 
 
54 
 
 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Urs. I'll see them poxed first, and piled and double 
 piled. 
 
 Winw. Let's away, her language grows greasier 
 than her pigs. 
 
 Urs. Does it so, snotty-nose ? good Lord ! are you 
 snivelling ? You were engendered on a she-beggar in 
 a barn, when the bald thrasher, your sire, was scarce 
 warm. 
 
 Winw. Pray thee let's go. 
 
 Quar. No, faith ; I'll stay the end of her now ; I 
 know she cannot last long : I find by her similes she 
 wanes apace. 
 
 Urs. Does she so ? I'll set you gone. Give me 
 my pig-pan hither a little : I'll scald you hence, an 
 you will not go. \_Exit. 
 
 Knock. Gentlemen, these are very strange vapours, 
 and very idle vapours, I assure you. 
 
 Quar. You are a very serious ass, we assure you. 
 
 Knock. Hump, ass ! and serions ! nay, then pardon 
 me my vapour. I have a foolish vapour, gentlemen. 
 Any man that does vapour me the ass, Master Quar- 
 lous 
 
 Quar. What then, Master Jordan ? 
 
 Knock. I do vapour him the lie. 
 
 Quar. Faith, and to any man that vapours me the 
 lie, I do vapour that. \Strikes him. 
 
 Knock. Nay then, vapours upon vapours. 
 
 [ They fight. 
 
 Re-enter Ursula with the dripping-pan. 
 
 Edg. Night. 'Ware the pan, the pan, the pan ! she 
 comes with the pan, gentlemen ! [Ursula falls with 
 the pan.] God bless the woman. 
 
 Urs. Oh ! \_Exennt Quarlous and Winwife. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 55 
 
 Trash, [runs in.] What's the matter ? 
 
 Over. Goodly woman ! 
 
 Moon. Mistress ! 
 
 Urs. Curse of hell, that ever I saw these fiends ! 
 oh ! I have scalded my leg, my leg, my leg, my leg ! 
 I have lost a limb in the service ! run for some cream 
 and salad oil, quickly. Are you under-peering, you 
 baboon ! rip off my hose, an you be men, men, men. 
 
 Moon. Run you for some cream, good Mother Joan. 
 I'll look to your basket. \_Extt Trash. 
 
 Leath. Best sit up in your chair, Ursula. Help, 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Knock. Be of good cheer, Urse ; thou hast hindered 
 me the currying of a couple of stallions here, that 
 abused the good racebawd of Smithfield ; 'twas time 
 for them to go. 
 
 Night. I' faith, when the pan came, — they had 
 made you run else. This had been a fine time for 
 purchase, if you had ventured. 
 
 \_Aside to Edgworth. 
 
 Edg. Not a whit, these fellows were too fine to 
 carry money. 
 
 Knock. Nightingale, get some help to carry her leg 
 out of the air : take off her shoes. Body o' me ! she 
 has the mallanders, the scratches, the crown scab, and 
 the quitter bone in the t'other leg. 
 
 Urs. Oh, the pox ! why do you put me in mind of 
 my leg thus, to make it prick and shoot ? Would you 
 have me in the hospital afore my time ? 
 
 Knock. Patience, Urse, take a good heart, 'tis but a 
 blister as big as a windgall. I'll take it away with the 
 white of an egg, a little honey and hog's grease, have 
 thy pasterns well rolled, and thou shalt pace again by 
 to-morrow. I'll tend thy booth, and look to thy 
 
56 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 affairs the while : thou shalt sit in thy chair, and give 
 directions, and shine Ursa major. 
 
 {^Exeunt Knockem and Mooncalf with Ursula in 
 her chair. 
 
 Over. These are the fruits of bottle-ale and tobacco ! 
 the foam of the one, and the fumes of the other ! 
 Stay, young man, and despise not the wisdom of these 
 few hairs that are grown grey in care of thee. 
 
 Edg, Nightingale, stay a little. Indeed I'll hear 
 some of this ! 
 
 Enter Cokes, with his box, Waspe, Mistress Overdo, 
 and Grace. 
 
 Cokes. Come, Numps, come, where are you ? 
 Welcome into the Fair, Mistress Grace. 
 
 Edg-. 'Slight, he will call company, you shall see, 
 and put us into doings presently. 
 
 Over. Thirst not after that frothy liquor ale ; for 
 who knows when he openeth the stopple, what may 
 be in the bottle ? Hath not a snail, a spider, yea, a 
 newt been found there ? thirst not after it, youth ; 
 thirst not after it. 
 
 Cokes. This is a brave fellow, Numps, let's hear him. 
 
 Waspe. 'Sblood ! how brave is he ? in a garded 
 coat ! You were best truck with him ; e'en strip, and- 
 truck presently, it will become you. Why will you 
 hear him ? because he is an ass, and may be akin to 
 the Cokeses ? 
 
 Cokes. O, good Numps. 
 
 Over. Neither do thou lust after that tawny weed 
 tobacco. 
 
 Cokes. Brave words ! 
 
 Over. Whose complexion is like the Indian's that 
 vents it. 
 
SCENE l.j BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 57 
 
 Cokes. Are they not brave words, sister ? 
 Over. And who can tell, if before the gathering 
 and making up thereof, the Alligartha hath not 
 pissed thereon ? 
 
 Waspe. 'Heart ! let 'em be brave words, as brave as 
 they will ! an they were all the brave words in a 
 country, how then ? Will you away yet, have you 
 enough on him ? Mistress Grace, come you away ; I 
 pray you be not you accessary. If you do lose your 
 licence, or somewhat else, sir, with listening to his 
 fables, say Numps is a witch, with all my heart, do, 
 say so. 
 
 Cokes. Avoid in your satin doublet, Numps. 
 Over. The creeping venom of which subtle serpent, 
 as some late writers affirm, neither the cutting of the 
 perilous plant, nor the drying of it, nor the lighting 
 or burning, can any way persway ' or assuage. 
 Cokes. Good, i' faith ! is it not, sister ? 
 Over. Hence it is that the lungs of the tobacconist 
 are rotted, the liver spotted, the brain smoked like the 
 backside of the pig-woman's booth here, and the 
 whole body within, black as her pan you saw e'en now 
 without. 
 
 Cokes. A fine similitude that, sir ! did you see the 
 pan ? 
 
 Edg. Yes, sir. 
 
 Over. Nay, the hole in the nose here of some 
 tobacco-takers, or the third nostril, if I may so call 
 it, which makes that they can vent the tobacco out, 
 like the ace of clubs, or rather the flower-de-lis, is 
 caused from the tobacco, the mere tobacco ! when the 
 poor innocent pox, having nothing to do there, is 
 miserably and most unconscionably slandered. 
 ■ Mitigate. 
 
58 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Cokes. Who would have missed this, sister ? 
 
 Mrs. Over. Not anybody but Numps. 
 
 Cokes. He does not understand. 
 
 Edg. \_picks CoKES^s pocket of his purse.] Nor you 
 feel. {^Asi'de. 
 
 Cokes. What would you have, sister, of a fellow 
 that knows nothing but a basket-hilt, and an old fox ' 
 in't ? the best music in the Fair will not move a log. 
 
 Edg. l^Gives the purse aside to NiGHT.J In, to 
 Ursula, Nightingale, and carry her comfort : see it 
 told. This fellow was sent to us by Fortune, for our 
 first fairing. \_Exit Night. 
 
 Over. But what speak I of the diseases of the body, 
 children of the Fair ? 
 
 Cokes. That's to us, sister. Brave, i' faith ! 
 
 Over. Hark, O you sons and daughters of Smith- 
 field ! and hear what malady it doth the mind : it 
 causeth swearing, it causeth swaggering, it causeth 
 snuffling and snarling, and now and then a hurt. 
 
 Mrs. Over. He hath something of Master Overdo, 
 methinks, brother. 
 
 Cokes. So methought, sister, very much of my 
 brother Overdo : and 'tis when he speaks. 
 
 Over. Look into any angle of the town, the Streights, 
 or the Bermudas,^ where the quarrelling lesson is read, 
 and how do they entertain the time, but with bottle- 
 ale and tobacco ? The lecturer is o' one side, and his 
 pupils o' the other ; but the seconds are still bottle-ale 
 and tobacco, for which the lecturer reads, and the 
 novices pay. Thirty pound a week in bottle-ale ! 
 
 ' I.e., broadsword, as distinguished from the small (foreign) 
 sword. 
 
 = Cant-names then given to the places frequented by bullies, 
 knights of the post, and fencing masters. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 59 
 
 forty in tobacco ! and ten more in ale again. Then 
 for a suit to drink in, so much, and, that being 
 slavered, so much for another suit, and then a third 
 suit, and a fourth suit ! and still the bottle-ale 
 slavereth, and the tobacco stinketh. 
 
 Waspe. Heart of a madman ! are you rooted here ? 
 will you never away ? what can any man find out in 
 this bawling fellow, to grow here for ? He is a full 
 handful higher sin' he heard him. Will you fix here, 
 and set up a booth, sir ? 
 
 Over. I will conclude briefly 
 
 Waspe. Hold your peace, you roaring rascal, I'll 
 run my head in your chaps else. You were best build 
 a booth, and entertain him ; make your will, an you 
 say the word, and him your heir ! heart, I never knew 
 one taken with a mouth of a peck afore. By this 
 light, I'll carry you away on my back, an you will not 
 come. \_He gets Cokes up on pick-back. 
 
 Cokes. Stay, Numps, stay, set me down. I have 
 lost my purse, Numps. O my purse ! One of my 
 fine purses is gone ! 
 
 Mrs. Over. Is it indeed, brother ? 
 
 Cokes. Ay, as I am an honest man, would I were 
 an arrant rogue else ! a plague of all roguy damned 
 cutpurses for me. \_Exam.ines his pockets. 
 
 Waspe. Bless 'em with all my heart, with all my 
 heart, do you see ! now, as I am no infidel, that I 
 know of, I am glad on't. Ay, I am (here's my witness), 
 do you see, sir ? I did not tell you of his fables, I ! 
 no, no, I am a dull malt horse, I, I know nothing. 
 Are you not justly served, in your conscience now, 
 speak in your conscience ? Much good do you with 
 all my heart, and his good heart that has it, with all 
 my heart again. 
 
6o BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ii. 
 
 Edg. This fellow is very cKaritable, would he had a 
 purse too ! but I must not be too bold all at a time. 
 
 ^Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Nay, Numps, it is not my best purse. 
 
 Waspe. Not your best ! death ! why should it be 
 your worst ? why should it be any, indeed, at all ? 
 answer me to that, give me a reason from you, why it 
 should be any ? 
 
 Cokes. Nor my gold, Numps ; I have that yet, look 
 here else, sister. [^Shows the other purse. 
 
 Waspe. Why so, there's all the feeling he has ! 
 
 Mrs. Over. I pray you have a better care of that, 
 brother. 
 
 Cokes. Nay, so I will, I warrant you ; let him catch 
 this that catch can. I would fain see him get this, 
 look you here. 
 
 Waspe. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so ! very good. 
 
 Cokes. I would have him come again now, and but 
 offer at it. Sister, will you take notice of a good jest ? 
 I will put it just where the other was, and if we have 
 good luck, you shall see a delicate fine trap to catch 
 the cutpurse nibbling. 
 
 Edg. Faith, and he'll try ere you be out o' the Fair. 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Come, Mistress Grace, prithee be not 
 melancholy for my mischance ; sorrow will not keep 
 it, sweetheart. 
 
 Grace. I do not think on't, sir. 
 
 Cokes. 'Twas but a little scurvy white money, hang 
 it ! it may hang the cutpurse one day. I have gold 
 left to give thee a fairing yet, as hard as the world 
 goes. Nothing angers me but that nobody here 
 looked like a cutpurse, unless 'twere Numps. 
 
 Waspe. How ! I, I look like a cutpurse ? death ! 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 6i 
 
 your sister's a cutpurse ! and your mother and father, 
 and all your kin, were cutpurses ! and here is a rogue 
 is the bawd o' the cutpurses, whom I will beat to begin 
 with. \Beats Overdo. 
 
 Over. Hold thy hand, child of wrath, and heir of 
 anger, make it not Childermass day ' in thy fury, or 
 the feast of the French Bartholomew, parent of the 
 massacre. 
 
 Cokes. Numps, Numps ! 
 
 Mrs. Over. Good Master Humphrey ! 
 
 Waspe. You are the Patrico,^ are you ? the patriarch 
 of the cutpurses ? You share, sir, they say ; let them 
 share this with you. Are you in your hot fit of 
 preaching again ? I'll cool you. \_Beats him again. 
 
 Over. Murther, murther, murther ! \_Exeitnt. 
 
 • Innocent's day. 
 
 ° Among strolling beggars and gipsies the patrico is the orator of 
 the gang, the hedge i:>riest who officiates at their ceremonies of 
 marriage. 
 
ACT THE THIRD. 
 
 SCENE I.— The Fair. 
 
 Lan'Thorn Leatherhead, Joan Trash, and others^ 
 sitting by their wares, as before. 
 
 Enter Val. Whit, Haggise, and Bristle. 
 
 ^HIT. Nay, tish all gone, now ! dish 
 
 tish, phen tou wilt not be phitin call, 
 master offisher, phat ish a man te 
 better to lishen out noyshes for tee, 
 and tou art in an oder orld, being 
 very shufEshient noyshes and 
 gallantsh too ? one o' their brabblesh 
 ush all dish fortnight, but tou art 
 
 would have fed 
 so bushy about 
 
 beggersh still, tou hast no leshure 
 to intend shentlemen, and 't be. 
 
 ffag. Why, I told you, Davy Bristle. 
 
 Bri. Come, come, you told me a pudding, Toby 
 Haggise ; a matter of nothing ; I am sure it came to 
 nothing. You said, let's go to Ursula's, indeed ; but 
 then you met the man with the monsters, and I could 
 not get you from him. An old fool, not leave seeing 
 yet! 
 
 Hag. Why, who 
 
 would 
 62 
 
 have thought anybody 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 63 
 
 would have quarrelled so early ; or that the ale o' the 
 fair would h ave been up so soon ? 
 
 Whit. Phy, phat a clock toest tou tink it ish, man ? 
 Hag. I cannot tell. 
 
 Whit. Tou art a vish vatchman, i' te mean teem. 
 Hag. Why, should the watch go by the clock, or 
 the clock by the watch, I pray ? 
 
 Bri. One should go by another, if they did well. 
 Whit. Tou art right now ! phen didst tou ever 
 know or hear of a shuffishient vatchment, but he did 
 tell the clock, phat bushiness soever he had ? 
 
 Bri. Nay, that's most true, a sufficient watchman 
 knows what a clock it is. 
 
 Whit. Shleeping or vaking : ash well as te clock 
 himshelf, or te Jack dat shtrikes him. 
 
 Bri. Let's inquire of Master Leatherhead, or Joan 
 Trash here. — Master Leatherhead, do you hear, Master 
 Leatherhead ? 
 
 Whit. If it be a Ledderhead, tish a very tick 
 Ledderhead, tat sho mush noish vill not piersh him. 
 
 Leath. I have a little business now, good friends, do 
 not trouble me. 
 
 Whit. Phat, because o' ty wrought neet-cap, and ty 
 phelvet sherkin, man ? phy ! I have sheene tee in ty 
 ledder sherkin, ere now, mashter o' de hobby-horses, 
 as bushy and stately as tou sheemest to be. 
 
 Trash. Why, what an you have, Captain Whit ? he 
 has his choice of jerkins, you may see by that, and 
 his caps too, I assure you, when he pleases to be either 
 sick or employed. 
 
 Leath. God-a-mercy Joan, answer for me. 
 Whit. Away, be not sheen in my company, here be 
 shentlemen, and men of vorship. 
 
 \_Exeunt Haggise and Bristle. 
 
64 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act in. 
 
 Enter Quarlous and Winwife. 
 
 Quar. We had wonderful ill luck, to miss this 
 prologue o' the purse ; but the best is, we shall have 
 five acts of him ere night : he'll be spectacle enough, 
 I'll answer for't. 
 
 Whit. O creesh ! Duke Quarlous, how dosht tou ? 
 tou dosht not know me, I fear : I am te vishesht man, 
 but Justish Overdo, in all Bartholomew Fair now. 
 Give me twelve pence from tee, I vill help tee to a 
 vife vorth forty marks for't, and't be. 
 
 Quar. Away, rogue ; pimp, away. 
 
 Whit. And she shall shew tee as fine cut orke for't 
 in her shmock too as tou cansht vish, i' faith ; vilt tou 
 have her, vorshipful Vinvife ? I vill help tee to her 
 here, be an't be, into pig-quarter, gi' me ty twelve 
 pence from tee. 
 
 Winw. Why, there's twelve pence, pray thee wilt 
 thou begone ? 
 
 Whit. Tou art a vorthy man, and a vorshipful man 
 still. 
 
 Qiiar. Get you gone, rascal. 
 
 Whit. I do mean it, man. Prinsh Quarlous, if tou 
 hasht need on me, tou shalt find me here at Ursla's, I 
 vill see phat ale and punque ish i' te pigsty for tee, 
 bless ty good vorship. \Exit. 
 
 Quar. Look ! who comes here : John Littlewit ! 
 
 Winw. And his wife, and my widow, her mother : 
 the whole family. 
 
 Quar. 'Slight, you must give them all fairings now. 
 
 Winw. Not I, I'll not see them. 
 
 Quar. They are going a feasting. What school- 
 master's that is with 'em ? 
 
 Winw. That's my rival, I believe, the baker. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 65 
 
 Enter Rabbi Busy, Dame Purecraft, John Little- 
 wit, and Mrs. Littlewit. 
 
 Busy. So, walk on in the middle way, fore-right, 
 turn neither to the right hand nor to the left ; let not 
 your eyes be drawn aside with vanity, nor your ear 
 with noises. 
 
 Quar. O, I know him by that start. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack, what do you buy, 
 mistress ? a fine hobby-horse, to make your son a 
 tilter ? a drum, to make him a soldier ? a fiddle, to 
 make him a reveller ? what is't you lack ? little dogs 
 for your daughters ? or babies, male or female ? 
 
 Busy. Look not toward them, hearken not ; the 
 place is Smithfield, or the field of smiths, the grove 
 of hobby-horses and trinkets, the wares are the wares 
 of devils, and the whole Fair is the shop of Satan : 
 they are hooks and baits, very baits, that are hung 
 out on every side, to catch you, and to hold you, as it 
 were, by the gills, and by the nostrils, as the fisher 
 doth ; therefore you must not look nor turn to- 
 ward them. — The heathen man could stop his ears 
 .with wax against the harlot of the sea ; do you 
 the like with your fingers against the bells of the 
 beast. 
 
 Winw. What flashes come from him ! 
 
 Quar. O, he has those of his oven ; a notable hot 
 baker 'twas when he plied the peel ' : he is leading 
 his flock into the Fair now. 
 
 Winw. Rather driving them to the pens ; for he 
 will let them look upon nothing. 
 
 ' The shovel-like instrument with which bakers withdraw their 
 bread from the oven. 
 Jon. II. 
 
66 BARTHOLOMEW FAIJi. [act in. 
 
 Enter Knockem and Whit from Ursula's booth. 
 
 Knock. Gentlewomen, the weather's hot ; whither 
 walk you ? have a care of your fine velvet caps, the 
 Fair is dusty. Take a sweet delicate booth, with 
 boughs, here in the way, and cool yourselves in the 
 shade ; you and your friends. The best pig and 
 bottle-ale in the Fair, sir. Old Ursula is cook, there 
 you may read ; [^Points to the sign., a pig's head, with 
 a large writing under it.^ the pig's head speaks it. 
 Poor soul, she has had a stringhalt, the maryhinchco ; 
 but she's prettily amended. 
 
 Whit. A delicate show-pig, little mistress, with 
 shweet sauce, and crackling, like de bay-leaf i' de fire, 
 la ! tou shalt ha' de clean side o' de tableclot, and di 
 glass vashed with phatersh of Dame Annesh Cleare.' 
 
 Lit. \_Gazing at the inscription.'] This is fine 
 verily. Here be the best pigs, and she does roast them 
 as well as ever she did, the pig's head says. 
 
 Knock. Excellent, excellent, mistress ! with fire o' 
 juniper and rosemary branches ! the oracle of the 
 pig's head, that, sir. 
 
 Pure. Son, were you not warned of the vanity of 
 the eye ? have you forgot the wholesome admonition 
 so soon ? 
 
 Lit. Good mother, how shall we find a pig, if we do 
 not look about for't ! will it run off o' the spit, into 
 our mouths, think you, as in Lubberland, and cry wee, 
 wee ! 
 
 Busy. No, but your mother, religiously- wise, con- 
 ceiveth it may oifer itself by other means to the sense, 
 as by way of steam, which I think it doth here in this 
 
 ' There was anciently near Hoxton a spring of water called 
 Agnes k Clare, corrupted to Annis the Clear. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 67 
 
 place — huh, huh — yes, it doth. \_He scents after it 
 like a hotcnd.'] And it were a sin of obstinacy, great 
 obstinacy, high and horrible obstinacy, to decline or 
 resist the good titillation of the famelic sense, which 
 is the smell. Therefore be bold — huh, huh, huh — 
 follow the scent : enter the tents of the unclean, for 
 once, and satisfy your wife's frailty. Let your frail 
 wife be satisfied ; your zealous mother, and my suffer- 
 ing self, will also be satisfied. 
 
 Lit. Come, Win, as good winny here as go farther, 
 and see nothing. 
 
 Busy. We scape so much of the other vanities, by 
 our early entering. 
 
 Pure. It is an edifying consideration. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. This is scurvy, that we must come into 
 the Fair, and not look on't. 
 
 Lit. Win, have patience. Win, I'll tell you more 
 anon. 
 
 \_Exeunt into the booth, Littlewit, Mrs. Littlewit, 
 Busy, and Purecraft. 
 
 Knock. Mooncalf, entertain within there, the best 
 pig in the booth, a pork-like pig. These are Banbury 
 bloods, o' the sincere stud, come a pig-hunting. Whit, 
 wait, Whit, look to your charge. \_Exit Whit. 
 
 Busy. \_within.\ A pig prepare presently, let a pig 
 be prepared to us. 
 
 Enter Mooncalf and Ursula. 
 
 Moon. 'Slight, who be these ? 
 
 Urs. Is this the good service, Jordan, you'd do me ? 
 
 Knock. Why, Urse, 'why, Urse ? thou'lt have 
 vapours i' thy leg again presently, pray thee go in, 
 it may turn to the scratches else. 
 
 Urs. Hang your vapours, they are stale, and stink 
 
6§ Bartholomew FAIR. [act nt. 
 
 like you ! Are these the guests o' the game you 
 promised to fill my pit withal to-day ? 
 
 Knock. Ay, what ail they, Urse ? 
 
 Urs. Ail they ! they are all sippers, sippers o' the 
 city ; they look as they would not drink off two 
 pen'orth of bottle-ale amongst 'em. 
 
 Moon. A body may read that in their small printed 
 ruifs. 
 
 Knock. Away, thou art a fool, Urse, and thy Moon- 
 calf too : in your ignorant vapours now ! hence ; 
 good guests, I say, right hypocrites, good gluttons. 
 In, and set a couple o' pigs on the board, and half a 
 dozen of the biggest bottles afore 'em, and call Whit. 
 \_Exit Mooncalf.] I do not love to hear innocents 
 abused : fine ambling hypocrites ! and a stone-puritan 
 with a sorrel head and beard ! good mouthed glutton ; 
 two to a pig, away. 
 
 Urs. Are you sure they are such ? 
 
 Knock. O' the right breed, thou shalt try 'em by 
 the teeth, Urse ; where's this Whit ? 
 
 Re-enter Whit. 
 Whtt. 
 
 " Behold, man, and see, 
 What a worthy man am ee ! 
 With the fury of my sword. 
 And the shaking of my beard, 
 I will make ten thousand men afeard." 
 
 Knock. W&W said, brave Whit! in, and fear the 
 ale out o' the bottles into the bellies of the brethren, 
 and . . . the sisters drink to the cause, and pure 
 vapours. [Exeunt Knockem, Whit, and Ursula. 
 
 Qtiar. My roarer is turned tapster, methinks. Now 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 69 
 
 were a fine time for thee, Winwife, to lay aboard thy 
 widow, thou'lt never be master of a better season or 
 place ; she that will venture herself into the Fair and 
 a pig-box, will admit any assault, be assured of that. 
 
 Winw. I love not enterprises of that suddenness 
 though. 
 
 Quar. I'll warrant thee, then, no wife out of the 
 widow's hundred : if I had but as much title to her, 
 as to have breathed once on that straight stomacher 
 of hers, I would now assure myself to carry her yet ere 
 she went out of Smithfield ; or she should carry me 
 which were the fitter sight, I confess. But you are a 
 modest undertaker, by circumstances and degrees ; 
 come, 'tis disease in thee, not judgment ; I should 
 offer at all together. — 
 
 Enter Overdo. 
 
 Look, here's the poor fool again, that was stung by 
 the Wasp erewhile. 
 
 Over. I will make no more orations shall draw on 
 these tragical conclusions. And I begin now to think, 
 that by a spice of collateral justice, Adam Overdo 
 deserved this beating ; for I, the said Adam, was one 
 cause (a by-cause) why the purse was lost ; and my 
 wife's brother's purse too, which they know not of yet. 
 But I shall make very good mirth with it at supper, 
 that will be the sport, and put my little friend Master 
 Humphrey Waspe's choler quite out of countenance : 
 when, sitting at the upper end of my table, as I use, 
 and drinking to my brother Cokes, and Mistress Alice 
 Overdo, as I will, my wife, for their good affection to 
 old Bradley, I deliver to them, it was I that was 
 cudgelled, and show them the marks. To see what 
 bad events may peep out o' the tail of good purposes ! 
 
70 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act in. 
 
 the care I had of that civil young man I took fancy to 
 this morning (and have not left it yet), drew me to 
 that exhortation, which drew the company indeed ; 
 which drew the cutpurse ; which drew the money ; 
 which drew my brother Cokes his loss ; which drew 
 on Waspe's anger ; which drew on my beating : a 
 pretty gradation ! and they shall have it in their 
 dish, i' faith, at night for fruit ; I love to be merry 
 at my table. I had thought once, at one special blow 
 he gave me, to have revealed myself; but then (I 
 thank thee, fortitude) I remembered that a wise man, 
 and who is ever so great a part of the commonwealth 
 in himself, for no particular disaster ought to abandon 
 a public good design. The husbandman ought not, 
 for one unthankful year, to forsake the plough ; the 
 shepherd ought not, for one scabbed sheep, to throw 
 by his tar-box ; the pilot ought not, for one leak in 
 the poop, to quit the helm ; nor the alderman ought 
 not, for one custard more at a meal, to give up his 
 cloke ; the constable ought not to break his staff, and 
 forswear the watch, for one roaring night ; nor the 
 piper of the parish, ut parvis componere magna 
 solebam, to put up his pipes for one rainy Sunday. 
 These are certain knocking conclusions ; out of \vrhich, 
 I am resolved, come what come can, come beating, 
 come imprisonment, come infamy, come banishment, 
 nay, come the rack, come the hurdle (welcome all), I 
 will not discover who I am, till my due time ; and yet 
 still, all shall be, as I said ever, in justice' name, and 
 the king's, and for the commonwealth. 
 
 Wtnw. What does he talk to himself, and act so 
 seriously, poor fool ! 
 
 Quar. No matter what. Here's fresher argument 
 intend that. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 71 
 
 Enter Cokes, Mistress Overdo, and Grace Well- 
 born, followed by Waspe, loaded with toys. 
 
 Cokes. Come, Mistress Grace, come, sister, here's 
 more fine sights yet, i' faith. Od's 'Hd, where's 
 Numps ? 
 
 Leatk. What do you lack, gentlemen ? what is't 
 you buy ? fine rattles, drums, babies, little dogs, and 
 birds for ladies ? what do you lack ? 
 
 Cokes. Good honest Numps, keep afore, I am so 
 afraid thou'lt lose somewhat ; my heart was at my 
 mouth when I mist thee. 
 
 Waspe. You were best buy a whip in your hand to 
 drive me. 
 
 Cokes. Nay, do not mistake, Numps ; thou art so 
 apt to mistake ! I would but watch the goods. Look 
 you now, the treble fiddle was e'en almost like to be 
 lost. 
 
 Waspe. Pray you take heed you lose not yourself ; 
 your best way were e'en get up and ride for more 
 surety. Buy a token's ' worth of great pins, to fasten 
 yourself to my shoulder. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack, gentlemen ? fine purses, 
 pouches, pin-cases, pipes ? what is't you lack ? a pair 
 o' smiths to wake you in the morning ? or a fine 
 whistling bird ? 
 
 Cokes. Numps, here be finer things than any we 
 have bought by odds ! and more delicate horses, a 
 great deal ; good Numps, stay, and come hither. 
 
 Waspe. Will you scourse ° with him ? you are in 
 Smithfield, you may fit yourself with a fine easy going 
 street-nag, for your saddle, again Michaelmas term, 
 
 ' /.«., A farthing's worth. " I.e., deal with him foi; his horses? 
 
72 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 do : has he ne'er a little odd cart for you to make 
 a caroch on in the country, with four pied hobby- 
 horses? Why the measles should you stand here, 
 with your train, cheapning of dogs, birds, and babies ? 
 you have no children to bestow them on, have you ? 
 
 Cokes. No, but again I have children, Numps, 
 that's all one. 
 
 Waspe. Do, do, do, do ; how many shall you have, 
 think you ? an I were as you, I'd buy for all my tenants 
 too, they are a kind of civil savages, that will part 
 with their children for rattles, pipes, and knives. 
 You were best buy a hatchet or two, and truck with 
 'em. 
 
 Cokes. Good Numps, hold that little tongue o' 
 thine, and save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou 
 know'st. 
 
 Waspe. A resolute fool you are, I know, and a very 
 sufficient coxcomb ; with all my heart ;— nay, you 
 have it, sir, an you be angry, t — in your teeth, twice ; 
 if I said it not once afore, and much good do you. 
 
 Winw. Was there ever such a self -affliction, and so 
 impertinent ? 
 
 Qtcar. Alas, his care will go near to crack him ; 
 let's in and comfort him. \They come forward. 
 
 Waspe. Would I had been set in the ground, all 
 but the head on me, and had my brains bowled at, 
 or threshed out, when first I underwent this plague 
 of a charge ! 
 
 Qiiar. How now, Numps ! almost tired in your 
 protectorship ? overparted, overparted ? 
 
 Waspe. Why, I cannot tell, sir, it may be I am ; 
 does it grieve you ? 
 
 Quar. No, I swear does't not, Numps ; to satisfy 
 you. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 73 
 
 Waspe. Numps ! 'sblood, you are fine and familiar : 
 how long have we been acquainted, I pray you ! 
 
 Quar. I think it may be remembered, Numps, 
 that ; 'twas since morning, sure. 
 
 Waspe. Why, I hope I know't well enough, sir ; I 
 did not ask to be told. 
 
 Quar. No ! why, then ? 
 
 Waspe. It's no matter why ; you see with your eyes 
 now, what I said to you to-day : you'll believe me 
 another time ? 
 
 Quar. Are you removing the Fair, Namps? 
 
 Waspe. A pretty question, and a civil one 1 yes, 
 faith, I have my lading, you see, or shall have anon ; 
 you may know whose beast I am by my burden. If 
 the pannier-man's jack were ever better known by his 
 loins of mutton, I'll be flayed, and feed dogs for him 
 when his time comes. 
 
 Wi'mv. How melancholic Mistress Grace is yonder ! 
 pray thee let's go enter ourselves in grace with her. 
 
 Cokes. Those six horses, friend, I'll have 
 
 Waspe. How ! 
 
 Cokes. And the three Jews-trumps ; and half a dozen 
 o' birds, and that drum (I have one drum already) and 
 your smiths ; I like that device of your smiths, very 
 
 pretty well ; and four halberts and, let me see, 
 
 that fine painted great lady, and her three women for 
 state, I'll have. 
 
 Waspe. No, the shop ; buy the whole shop, it will 
 be best ; the shop, the shop ! 
 Leath. If his worship please. 
 
 Waspe. Yes, and keep it during the Fair, Bobchin. 
 
 Cokes. Peace, Numps. — Friend, do not meddle with 
 him, an you be wise, and would show your head above 
 board ; he will sting thorough your wrought nightcap, 
 
74 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 believe me. A set of these violins I would buy too, 
 for a delicate young noise I have in the country, that 
 are every one a size less than another, just like your 
 fiddles. I would fain have a fine young masque at my 
 marriage, now I think on't : but I do want such a 
 number of things ! — And Numps will not help me 
 now, and I dare not speak to him. 
 
 Trash. Will your worship buy any gingerbread, 
 very good bread, comfortable bread ? 
 
 Cokes. Gingerbread ! yes, let's see. 
 
 \_Runs to her shop. 
 
 Waspe. There's the t'other springe. 
 
 Leath. Is this well, goody Joan, to interrupt my 
 market in the midst, and call away my customers ? 
 can you answer this at the pie-poudres ? 
 
 Trash. Why, if his mastership has a mind to buy, 
 I hope my ware lies as open as another's ; I may show 
 my ware as well as you yours. 
 
 Cokes. Hold your peace ; I'll content you both. 
 I'll buy up his shop, and thy basket. 
 
 Waspe. Will you, i' faith ? 
 
 Leath. Why should you put him from it, friend. 
 
 Waspe. Cry you mercy ! • you'd be sold too, would 
 you ? what's the price on you, jerkin and all, as you 
 stand ? have you any qualities ? 
 
 Trash. Yes, good-man, angry-man, you shall find 
 he has qualities, if you cheapen him. 
 
 Waspe. Od's so, you have the selling of him ! 
 What are they, will they be bought for love or money ? 
 
 Trash. No, indeed, sir. 
 
 Waspe. For what then, victuals? 
 
 Trash. He scorns victuals, sir ; he has bread and 
 butter at home, thanks be to God ! and yet he will do 
 more for a good me^l, if the toy ta^ke him in the belly ; 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 75 
 
 marry then they must not set him at lower ends, if 
 they do, he'll go away, though he fast : but put him 
 a-top o' the table, where his place is, and he'll do you 
 forty fine things. He has not been sent for, and 
 sought out for nothing, at your great city-suppers, to 
 put down Coriat and Cokely,' and been laughed at for 
 his labour ; he'll play you all the puppets in the town 
 over, and the players, every company, and his own 
 company too ; he spares nobody. 
 
 Cokes, r faith? 
 
 Tj-aih. He was the first, sir, that ever baited the 
 fellow in the bear's skin, an't like your worship : no 
 dog ever came near him since. And for fine motions ! 
 
 Cokes. Is he good at those too ? can he set out a 
 masque, trow ? 
 
 Trash. O lord, master ! sought to far and near for 
 his inventions ; and he engrosses all, he makes all the 
 puppets in the Fair. 
 
 Cokes. Dost thou, in troth, old velvet jerkin ? give 
 me thy hand. 
 
 Trash. Nay, sir, you shall see him in his velvet 
 jerkin, and a scarf too at night, when you hear him 
 interpret Master Littlewit's motion. 
 
 Cokes. Speak no more, but shut up shop presently, 
 friend, I'll buy both it and thee too, to carry down 
 with me ; and her hamper beside. Thy shop shall 
 furnish out the masque, and hers the banquet. I 
 cannot go less, to set out anything with credit. 
 What's the price, at a word, of thy whole shop, case 
 and all as it stands ? 
 
 Leath. Sir, it stands me in six-and-twenty shillings 
 
 ' Coryat was famous for his travels, an account of which he 
 published under the title of Coryafs Crudities. Cokely was the 
 master of a motion or puppet-show. 
 
76 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 sevenpence halfpenny, besides three shiUings for my 
 ground. 
 
 Cokes. Well, thirty shilHngs will do all then ! and 
 what comes yours to ? 
 
 Trash. Four shillings and elevenpence, sir, ground 
 and all, an't like your worship. 
 
 Cokes. Yes, it does like my worship very well, poor 
 woman ; that's five shillings more : what a masque 
 shall I furnish out, for forty shillings, twenty pound 
 Scotch, and a banquet of gingerbread ! there's a 
 stately thing ! Numps ? sister ? and my wedding 
 gloves too ! that I never thought on afore ! All my 
 wedding gloves, gingerbread ? O me ! what a device 
 will there be, to make 'em eat their fingers' ends ? and 
 delicate brooches for the bridemen and all ! and then 
 I'll have this poesie put to them. For the best grace, 
 meaning Mistress Grace, my wedding poesie. 
 
 Grace. I am beholden to you, sir, and to your 
 Bartholomew wit. 
 
 Waspe. You do not mean this, do you ? Is this 
 your first purchase ? 
 
 Cokes. Yes, faith ; and I do not think, Numps, but 
 thou'lt say, it was the wisest act that ever I did in my 
 wardship. 
 
 Waspe. Like enough ! I shall say anything, I ! 
 
 Enter Edgworth, Nightingale, and People, followed, 
 at a distance, by Overdo. 
 
 Over. I cannot beget a project, with all my political 
 brain yet : my project is how to fetch off this proper 
 young man from his debauched company. I have 
 followed him all the Fair over, and still I find him 
 with this songster, and I begin shrewdly to suspect 
 their familiarity ; and the young man of a terrible 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW PAIk. 11 
 
 taint, poetry ! with which idle disease if he be infected, 
 there's no hope of him in a state-course. Actum est 
 of him for a commonwealth 's-man, if he go to't in 
 rhyme once. \_Aside. 
 
 Edg. [To Nightingale.] Yonder he is buying of 
 gingerbread ; set in quickly, before he part with too 
 much of his money. 
 
 Night. [Advancing and singing.\ My masters and 
 friends, and good people draw near 
 
 Cokes. [Runs to the ballad-man.^ Ballads ! hark, 
 hark ! pray thee, fellow, stay a little ! good Numps, 
 look to the goods. What ballads hast thou ? let me 
 see, let me see myself. 
 
 Waspe. Why so ! he's flown to another lime-bush, 
 there he will flutter as long more ; till he have ne'er 
 a feather left. Is there a vexation like this, gentle- 
 men ? will you believe me now, hereafter shall I have 
 credit with you ? 
 
 Quar. Yes, faith shalt thou, Numps, and thou art 
 worthy on't, for thou sweatest for't. I never saw a 
 young pimp-errant and his squire better matched. 
 
 Winw. Faith, the sister comes after them well too. 
 
 Grace. Nay, if you saw the justice her husband, my 
 guardian, you were fitted for the mess, he is such a 
 wise one his way 
 
 Wtnw. I wonder we see him not here. 
 
 Grace. O ! he is too serious for this place, and yet 
 better sport then than the other three, I assure you, 
 gentlemen, wherever he is, though it be on the bench. 
 
 Cokes. How dost thou call it ? A caveat against 
 cutpurses ! a good jest, i' faith, I would fain see that 
 demon, your cutpurse you talk of, that delicate- 
 handed devil ; they say he walks hereabout ; I would 
 see him walk now. Look you, sister, here, here — [He 
 
7§ BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ill. 
 
 shows his purse boastingly'] — let him come, sister, and 
 welcome. Ballad-man, does any cutpurse haunt 
 hereabout ? pray thee raise me one or two ; begin, 
 and show me one. 
 
 Night. Sir, this is a spell against them, spick and 
 span new ; and 'tis made as 'twere in mine own person, 
 and I sing it in mine own defence. But 'twill cost a 
 penny alone, if you buy it. 
 
 Cokes. No matter for the price ; thou dost not 
 know me, I see, I am an odd Bartholomew. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Has it a fine picture, brother ? 
 
 Cokes. O, sister, do you remember the ballads over 
 the nursery chimney at home o' my own pasting up ? 
 there be brave pictures, other manner of pictures than 
 these, friend. 
 
 Waspe. Yet these will serve to pick the pictures out 
 of your pockets, you shall see. 
 
 Cokes. So I heard them say ! Pray thee mind him 
 not, fellow ; he'll have an oar in everything. 
 
 Night. It was intended, sir, as if a purse should 
 chance to be cut in my presence, now, I may be 
 blameless though ; as by the sequel will more plainly 
 appear. 
 
 Cokes. We shall find that in the matter : pray thee 
 begin. 
 
 Night. To the tune of Paggington's pound, sir. 
 
 Cokes. \sings?[ Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la ! 
 Nay, I'll put thee in tune and all ! mine own country 
 dance ! Pray thee begin. 
 
 Night. It is a gentle admonition, you must know, 
 sir, both to the purse-cutter and the purse-bearer. 
 
 Cokes. Not a word more out of the tune, an thou 
 lov'st me : Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la. Come, 
 when ? 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. ^ 
 
 Night, \smgs.] " My masters, and friends, and good 
 people, draw near, 
 And look to your purses, for that I do say ; " 
 
 Cokes. Ha, ha, this chimes ! Good counsel at first 
 dash. 
 
 Night. "And the' little money in them you do bear. 
 It cost more to get, than to lose in a day." 
 
 Cokes. Good ! 
 
 Night. " You oft have been told, 
 
 Both the young and the old, 
 And bidden beware of the cutpurse so bold ; " 
 
 Cokes. Well said ! he were to blame that would not, 
 i' faith. 
 
 Night. "Then if you take heed not, free me from 
 the curse. 
 Who both give you warning, for, and the cutpurse. 
 Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by thy 
 
 nurse. 
 Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse." 
 
 Cokes. Good i' faith ; how say you, Numps, is there 
 any harm in this ? 
 
 Night. " It hath been upbraided to men of my trade. 
 That oftentimes we are the cause of this crime ; " 
 
 Cokes. The more coxcombs they that did it, I wusse. 
 
 Night. " Alack and for pity, why should it be said ? 
 As if they regarded or places, or time ! 
 
 Examples have been 
 
 Of some that were seen 
 In Westminster-hall, yea, the pleaders between ; 
 
So BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act ill. 
 
 Then why should the judges be free from this curse, 
 More than my poor self, for cutting the purse ? " 
 
 Cokes. God a mercy for that ! why should they be 
 more free indeed ? 
 
 Night. " Youth, youth, thou hadst better been 
 starved by thy nurse, 
 Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse." 
 
 Cokes. That again, good ballad-man, that again. 
 [He sings the burden with him.] O, rare ! I would 
 fain rub mine elbow now, but I dare not pull out my 
 hand. On, I pray thee ; he that made this ballad 
 shall be poet to my masque. 
 
 Night. " At Worc'ster 'tis known well, and even in 
 the jail, 
 A knight of good worship did there show his face, 
 Against the foul sinners, in zeal for to rail, 
 And lost ipso facto his purse in the place." 
 
 ■Cokes'. Is it possible ? 
 
 Night. " Nay, once from the seat 
 Of judgment so great, 
 A judge there did lose a fair pouch of velvete." 
 
 Cokes. I' faith ? 
 
 Night. " O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse, 
 Are those that so venture their necks for a purse ! 
 Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by thy 
 
 nurse. 
 Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse." 
 
 Cokes. \Sings after him.] Youth, youth, &c. — Pray 
 thee stay a little, friend. Yet o' thy conscience, 
 Numps, speak, is there any harm in this ? 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 8i 
 
 Waspe. To tell you true, 'tis too good for you, less 
 you had grace to follow it. 
 
 Over. It doth discover enormity, I'll mark it more : 
 I have not liked a paltry piece of poetry so well a good 
 while. {^Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Youth, youth, &c. ; where's this youth now ? 
 a man must call upon him for his own good, and yet 
 he will not appear. Look here, here's for him ; 
 [Shows his purse.l handy dandy, which hand will he 
 have ? On, I pray thee with the rest ; I do hear of 
 him, but I cannot see him, this master youth, the 
 cutpurse. 
 
 Night. " At plays, and at sermons, and at the 
 sessions, 
 'Tis daily their practice such booty to make ; 
 Yea, under the gallows at executions, 
 They stick not the stare-abouts' purses to take. 
 Nay, one without grace. 
 At a [far] better place, 
 At court, and in Christmas, before the king's face ; " 
 
 Cokes. That was a fine fellow ! I would have him 
 now. 
 
 Night. " Alack then for pity must I bear the curse, 
 That only belongs to the cunning cutpurse ? " 
 
 Cokes. But where's their cunning now, when they 
 should use it ? they are all chained now, I warrant 
 you. \_Sings.^ Youth, youth, thou hadst better — The 
 rat-catchers' charms are all fools and asses to this ; a 
 pox on them, that they will not come ! that a man 
 should have such a desire to a thing, and want it ! 
 
 Quar. 'Fore God I'd give half the Fair, an 'twere 
 mine, for a cutpurse for him, to save his longing. 
 Jon. II. G 
 
82 BARTHOLOMEW fair: [act m. 
 
 Cokes. Look you, sister, {Shows his purse agairil 
 here, here, where is't now ? which pocket is't in, for a 
 wager ! 
 
 Waspe. I beseech you leave your wagers, and let 
 him end his matter, an't may be. 
 
 Cokes. O, are you edified, Numps ! 
 
 Over. Indeed he does interrupt him too much : 
 there Numps spoke to purpose. {Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Sister, I am an ass, I cannot keep my purse ! 
 {Shows it again, and puts it np.] On, on, I pray thee, 
 friend. 
 
 Night. "Youth, youth, thou hadst better been 
 starved by thy nurse. 
 Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse." 
 
 {As Nightingale sings, Edgworth gets up to 
 Cokes and tickles him in the ear with a straw 
 twice to draw his hand out of his pocket. 
 Winw. Will you see sport ? look, there's a fellow 
 gathers up to him, mark. 
 
 Quar. Good, i' faith ! O, he has lighted on the 
 wrong pocket. 
 
 Winw. He has it !- 'fore God, he is a brave fellow : 
 pity he should be detected. 
 
 Night. " But O, you vile nation of cutpurses all. 
 Relent and repent, and amend and be sound, 
 And know that you ought not, by honest men's fall. 
 Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground ; 
 
 And though you go gay. 
 
 In silks, as you may. 
 It is not the highway to heaven (as they say). 
 Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse. 
 And kiss not the gallows for cutting a purse. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 83 
 
 Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by thy 
 
 nurse, 
 Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse." 
 
 All. An excellent ballad ! an excellent ballad ! 
 Edg. Friend, let me have the first, let me have the 
 first, T pray you. 
 
 \_As Nightingale reaches oitt the ballad, Edgworth 
 slips the purse into his hand. 
 
 Cokes. Pardon me, sir ; first come first served ; and 
 I'll buy the whole bundle too. 
 
 Winw. That conveyance was better than all, did 
 you see't ? he has given the purse to the ballad-singer. 
 
 Qtiar. Has he ? 
 
 Edg. Sir, I cry you mercy, I'll not hinder the poor 
 man's profit ; pray you, mistake me not. 
 
 Cokes. Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if 
 that be mistaking ; I met you to-day afore : ha ! 
 humph ! O Lord ! my purse is gone, my purse, my 
 purse, my purse ! 
 
 Waspe. Come, do not make a stir, and cry yourself 
 an ass thorough the Fair afore your time. 
 
 Cokes. Why, hast thou it, Numps ? good Numps, 
 how came you by it, I marie ? 
 
 Waspe. I pray you seek some other gamester to 
 play the fool with ; you may lose it time enough, for 
 all your Fair wit. 
 
 Cokes. By this good hand, glove and all, I have lost 
 it already if thou hast it not ; feel else, and Mistress 
 Grace's handkerchief too, out of the t'other pocket. 
 
 Waspe. Why, 'tis well, very well, exceeding pretty 
 and well. 
 
 Edg. Are you sure you have lost it, sir ? 
 
 Cokes. O Lord ! yes ; as I am an honest man, I had 
 it but e'en now, at Youth, youth. 
 
84 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 Night. I hope you suspect not me, sir ? 
 
 Edg. Thee ! that were a jest indeed ! dost thou 
 think the gentleman is foohsh ? where hadst thou 
 hands, I pray thee ? Away, ass, away ! \^Exit Night. 
 
 Over. I shall be beaten again if I be spied. 
 
 \Aside, retiring. 
 
 Edge. Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is 
 stealing away. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Brother, it is the preaching fellow : you 
 shall suspect him. He was at your t'other purse, you 
 know! \_Seizes Overdo.] Nay, stay, sir, and view 
 the work you have done ; an you be beneficed at the 
 gallows, and preach there, thank your own handiwork. 
 
 Cokes. Sir, you shall take no pride in your prefer- 
 ment, you shall be silenced quickly. 
 
 \They seize Overdo. 
 
 Over. What do you mean, sweet buds of gentility ? 
 
 Cokes. To have my pennyworths out on you, bud. 
 No less than two purses a day serve you ! I thought 
 you a simple fellow, when my man Numps beat you in 
 the morning, and pitied you. 
 
 Mrs. Over. So did I. I'll be sworn, brother ; but 
 now I see he is a lewd and pernicious enormity, as 
 Master Overdo calls him. 
 
 Over. Mine own words turned upon me like 
 swords ! \_Aside. 
 
 Cokes. Cannot a man's purse be at quiet for you in 
 the master's pocket, but you must entice it forth, and 
 debauch it ? [Overdo is carried off. 
 
 Waspe. Sir, sir, keep your debauch, and your fine 
 Bartholomew terms to yourself, and make as much on 
 'em as you please. But give me this from you in the 
 meantime ; I beseech you, see if I can look to this. 
 
 Cokes. Why, Numps ? 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 85 
 
 Waspe. Why ! because you are an ass, sir, there's a 
 reason the shortest way, an you will needs have it : 
 now you have got the trick of losing, you'd lose your 
 breech an 'twere loose. I know you, sir, come, deliver 
 \Takes the box from him\ you'll go and crack the 
 vermin you breed now, will you ? 'tis very fine ; will 
 you have the truth on't ? they are such retchless flies 
 as you are, that blow cutpurses abroad in every corner ; 
 your foolish having of money makes them. An there 
 were no wiser than I, sir, the trade should lie open for 
 you, sir, it should, i' faith, sir. I would teach your 
 wit to come to your head, sir, as well as your land to 
 come into your hand, I assure you, sir. 
 
 Winw. Alack, good Numps ! 
 
 Waspe. Nay, gentlemen, never pity me, I am not 
 worth it. Lord send me at home once to Harrow o' 
 the Hill again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat 
 with all my heart. 
 
 \_Exeunt Waspe, Cokes, and Mrs. Oyerbo, followed 
 by Edgworth. 
 
 Quar. [_Stops Edgworth.J Stay, sir, I must have 
 a word with you in private. Do you hear ? 
 
 Edg. With me, sir ! what's your pleasure, good sir ? 
 
 Quar. Do not deny it, you are a cutpurse, sir, this 
 gentleman here and I saw you : nor do we mean to 
 detect you, though we can sufHciently inform our- 
 selves toward the danger of concealing you ; but you 
 must do us a piece of service. 
 
 Edg. Good gentlemen, do not undo me ; I am a 
 civil young man, and but a beginner indeed. 
 
 Quar. Sir, your beginning shall bring on your 
 ending for us : we are no catchpoles nor constables. 
 That you are to undertake is this ; you saw the old 
 fellow with the black box here? 
 
86 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 Edg. The little old governor, sir ? 
 
 Quar. That same : I see you have flown him to 
 a mark already. I would have you get away that box 
 from him, and bring it us. 
 
 Edg. Would you have the box and all, sir, or only 
 that that is in't ? I'll get you that, and leave him the 
 box to play with still, which will be the harder of the 
 two, because I would gain your worship's good opinion 
 of me. 
 
 Winw. He says well, 'tis the greater mastery, and 
 'twill make the more sport when 'tis mist. 
 
 Edg. Ay, and 'twill be the longer a missing, to 
 draw on the sport. 
 
 Quar. But look you do it, now, sirrah, and keep 
 your word, or 
 
 Edg. Sir, if ever I break my word with a gentle- 
 man, may I never read word at my need. Where 
 shall I find you ? 
 
 Quar. Somewhere i' the Fair, hereabouts : dispatch 
 it quickly. [Exit Edgworth.J I would fain see the 
 careful fool deluded ! Of all beasts, I love the serious 
 ass ; he that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool 
 with the greatest diligence that can be. 
 
 Grace. Then you iwould not choose, sir, but love 
 my guardian. Justice Overdo, who is answerable to. 
 that description in every hair of him. 
 
 Quar. So I have heard. But how came you. 
 Mistress Wellborn, to be his ward, or have relation to 
 him at first ? 
 
 Grace. Faith, through a common calamity, he 
 bought me, sir ; and now he will marry me to his 
 wife's brother, this wise gentleman that you see ; or 
 else I must pay value o' my land. 
 
 Quar. 'Slid, is there no device of disparagement, or 
 
sCene I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. §7 
 
 so ? talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock of the 
 law : would I had studied a year longer in the Inns of 
 Court, an 't had been but in your case. 
 
 Wiiiw. Ay, Master Quarlous, are you proffering ! 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Grace. You'd bring but little aid, sir. 
 
 Winw. I'll look to you, in faith, gamester. — \_Aside.'\ 
 An unfortunate foolish tribe you are fallen into, lady, 
 I wonder you can endure them. 
 
 Grace. Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off 
 must wear them. 
 
 Wimv. You see what care they have on you, to 
 leave you thus. 
 
 Grace. Faith, the same they have of themselves, sir. 
 I cannot greatly complain if this were all the plea 
 I had against them. 
 
 Winw. 'Tis true ; but will you please to withdraw 
 with us a little, and make them think they have lost 
 you. I hope our manners have been such hitherto, 
 and our language, as will give you no cause to doubt 
 yourself in our company. 
 
 Grace. Sir, I will give myself no cause ; I am so 
 secure of mine own manners, as I suspect not yours. 
 
 Quar. Look where John Littlewit comes. 
 
 Wmw. Away, I'll not be seen by him. 
 
 Quar. No you were not best, he'd tell his mother, 
 the widow. 
 
 Winw. Heart ! what do you mean ? 
 
 Qtcar. Cry you mercy, is the wind there ? must not 
 the widow be named ? {^Exeunt 
 
 Enter Littlewit from Ursula's booth, followed by 
 Mrs. LiTTLEViTiT. 
 
 Lit. Do you hear. Win, Win ? 
 
88 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iiL 
 
 Mrs. Lit. What say you, John ? 
 
 Lit. While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I'll 
 tell you a thing. Win ; we shall never see any sights in 
 the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win : good Win, 
 sweet Win, long to see some hobby-horses, and some 
 drums, and rattles, and dogs, and fine devices, Win. 
 The bull with the five legs, Win ; and the great hog. 
 Now you have begun with pig, you may long for any- 
 thing, Win, and so for my motion, Win. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. But we shall not eat of the bull and the 
 hog, John ; how shall I long, then ? 
 
 Lit. O yes, Win : you may long to see as well as to 
 taste. Win : how did the pothecary's wife, Win, that 
 longed to see the anatomy. Win ? or the lady, Win, 
 that desired to spit in the great lawyer's mouth, after 
 an eloquent pleading ? I assure you, they longed. 
 Win ; good Win, go in and long. 
 
 \_Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewxt. 
 
 Trash. I think we are rid of our new customer, 
 brother Leatherhead, we shall hear no more of him. 
 
 Leath. All the better ; let's pack up all and begone, 
 before he find us. 
 
 Trash. Stay a little, yonder comes a company ; it 
 may be we may take some more money. 
 
 Enter Knockem and Busy. 
 
 Knock. Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my 
 hair,' and leave vapours : I see that tobacco, and 
 bottle-ale, and pig, and Whit, and very Ursla herself, 
 is all vanity. 
 
 Busy. Only pig was not comprehended in my admo- 
 nition, the rest were : for long hair, it is an ensign of 
 
 ' Close hair was at this time the distinguishing mark of a Puritan. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW fair: 89 
 
 pride, a banner ; and the world is full of those 
 banners, very full of , banners. And bottle-ale is 
 a drink of Satan's, a diet-drink of Sataii's, devised 
 to puif us up, and make us swell in this latter 
 age of vanity ; as the smoke of tobacco, to 
 keep us in mist and error : but the fleshly woman, 
 which you call Ursla, is above all to be avoided, 
 having the marks upon her of the three enemies of 
 man ; the world, as being in the Fair ; the devil, as 
 being in the fire ; and the flesh, as being herself. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Purecraft. 
 
 Pure. Brother Zeal-of-the-land ! what shall we do ? 
 my daughter Win-the-fight is fallen into her fit of 
 longing again. 
 
 Busy. For more pig ! there is no more, is there ? 
 
 Pure. To see some sights in the Fair. 
 
 Busy. Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place 
 swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou 
 art the seat of the beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave 
 thee ! Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee. 
 
 \_Goes forward. 
 
 Knock. An excellent right hypocrite ! now his belly 
 is full, he falls a railing and kicking, the jade. A very 
 good vapour ! I'll in, and joy Ursla, with telhng how 
 her pig works ; two and a half he eat to his share ; and 
 he has drunk a pail-full. He eats with his eyes, as 
 well as his teeth. \_Exit. 
 
 Leath. What do you lack, gentlemen? what is't you 
 buy ? rattles, drums, babies 
 
 Busy. Peace, with thy apocryphal wares, thou pro- 
 fane publican ; thy bells, thy dragons, and thy Tobie's 
 dogs. Thy hobby-horse is an idol, a very idol, a fierce 
 and rank idol ; and thou the Nebuchadnezzar, the 
 
06 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iii. 
 
 proud Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that sett'st it up, 
 for children to fall down to, and worship. 
 
 Leath. Cry you mercy, sir ; will you buy a fiddle 
 to fill up your noise ? 
 
 Re-enter Littlewit and his Wife. 
 
 Lit. Look, Win, do, look a God's name, and save 
 your longiiig. Here be fine sights. 
 
 Pure. Ay, child, so you hate them, as our brother 
 Zeal does, you may look on them. 
 
 Leath. Or what do you say to a drum, sir ? 
 
 Busy. It is the broken belly of the beast, and thy 
 bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his 
 throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the 
 gnashing of his teeth. 
 
 Trash. And what's my gingerbread, I pray you ? 
 
 Busy. The provender that pricks him up. Hence 
 with thy basket of popery, thy nest of images, and 
 whole legend of ginger-work. 
 
 Leath. Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I'll 
 have you clapped fairly by the heels, for disturbing 
 the Fair. 
 
 Busy. The sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be 
 silent. 
 
 Pure. Good brother Zeal ! 
 
 Leath. Sir, I'll make you silent, believe it. 
 
 Lit. I'd give a shilling you could, i' faith, friend. 
 
 \_Aside to Leath. 
 
 Leath. Sir, give me your shilling, I'll give you my 
 shop, if I do not ; and I'll leave it in pawn with you 
 in the meantime. 
 
 Lit. A match, i' faith ; but do it quickly then. 
 
 \_Bxit Leatherhead. 
 
 Busy, {p Mrs. Purecraft.] Hinder me not. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. gt 
 
 woman. I was moved in spirit, to be here this day, 
 in this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair ; and fitter may 
 it be called a Foul than a Fair ; to protest against the 
 abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the 
 afflicted saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, 
 exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the 
 merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of 
 popery upon the stalls here, here, in the high places. 
 See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet there, in 
 her yellow gown and green sleeves ? the profane pipes, 
 the tinkling timbrels ? a shop of relicks ! 
 
 \_Attempts to seize the toys. 
 
 Lit. Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with them. 
 
 Busy. And this idolatrous grove of images, this 
 
 flasket of idols, which I will pull down 
 
 [ Overthrows the gingerbread basket. 
 
 Trash. O my ware, my ware ! God bless it ! 
 
 Busy. In my zeal, and glory to be thus exercised. 
 
 Re-enter Leatherhead, leith Bristle, • Haggish, and 
 other Officers. 
 
 Leath. Here he is, pray you lay hold on his zeal ; 
 we cannot sell a whistle for him in tune. Stop his 
 noise first. 
 
 Busy. Thou canst not ; 'tis a sanctified noise. I 
 will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have 
 daunted the profane enemy. And for this cause 
 
 Leath. Sir, here's no man afraid of you, or your 
 cause. You shall swear it in the stocks, sir. 
 
 Busy. I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the 
 pikes of the land. \,They seize him. 
 
 Leath. Carry him away. 
 
 Pure. What do you mean, wicked men ? 
 
 Busy. Let them alone, I fear them not. 
 
92 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act hi. 
 
 \_Exeunt Officers with Busy, followed by Dame 
 
 PURECRAFT. 
 
 Lit. Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for 
 our liberty ? now we may go play, and see over the 
 Fair, where we list ourselves : my mother is gone after 
 him, and let her e'en go, and lose us. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, John ; but I know not what to do. 
 
 Lit. For what. Win ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. For a thing I am ashamed to tell you, i' 
 faith ;, and 'tis too far to go home. 
 
 Lit. I pray thee be not ashamed. Win. Come, i' 
 faith, thou shalt not be ashamed : is it anything about 
 the hobby-horse man ? an't be, speak freely. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him ; 
 no, I have very great what sha' call 'um, John. 
 
 [ Whispers him. 
 
 Lit. O, is that all. Win ? we'll go back to Captain 
 Jordan, to the pig-woman's. Win, he'll help us, or she, 
 with a dripping-pan, or an old kettle, or something. 
 The poor greasy soul loves you. Win ; and after we'll 
 visit the Fair all over. Win, and see my puppet-play, 
 Win ; you know it's a fine matter. Win. 
 
 \_Exeiint LiTTLEwiT and Mrs. Littlewit. 
 
 Leath. Let's away ; I counselled you to pack up 
 afore, Joan. 
 
 Trash. A pox of his Bedlam purity ! He has 
 spoiled half my ware : but the best is, we lose' 
 nothing if we miss our first merchant. 
 
 Leath. It shall be hard for him to find or know us, 
 when we are translated, Joan. \_Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE FOURTH. 
 
 SCENE I.— The Fair. 
 
 Booths, Stalls, a Pair of Stocks, &c. 
 
 Enter Cokes, Bristle, Haggise, and Pocher, with 
 OvnmiO, followed by Troubleall. 
 
 3R0. My masters, I do make no doubt 
 but you are officers. 
 Bri. What then, sir ? 
 Tro. And the king's loving and 
 obedient subjects. 
 
 Bri. Obedient, friend ! take heed 
 . what you speak, I advise you ; 
 OHver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, we 
 grant you ; but not his obedient, at this time, by your 
 leave ; we know ourselves a little better than so ; we are 
 to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. 
 Here's one of his obedient subjects going to the stocks ; 
 and we'll make you such another, if you talk. 
 
 Tro. You are all wise enough in your places, I know. 
 Bri. If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in 
 question ? 
 
 Tro. I question nothing, pardon me. I do only 
 hope you have warrant for what you do, and so quit 
 you, and so multiply you. \_Exit. 
 
 93 
 
94 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Hag. What is he ?— Bring him up to the stocks 
 there. Why bring you him not up ? 
 
 [Overdo is brought forward. 
 
 Re-enter Troubleall. 
 
 Tro. If you have Justice Overdo's warrant, 'tis well ; 
 you are safe : that is the warrant of warrants. I'll not 
 give this button for any man's warrant else. 
 
 Bri. Like enough, sir ; but let me tell you, and 
 you play away your buttons thus, you will want them 
 ere night, for any store I see about you ; you might 
 keep them, and save pins, I wuss. \Exit Troubleall. 
 
 Over. What should he be, that doth so esteem and 
 advance my warrant ? he seems a sober and discreet 
 person. It is a comfort to a good conscience to be 
 followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The 
 world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear 
 adversity ; and it will beget a kind of reverence to- 
 wards me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when 
 they shall see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it 
 doth neither break me, nor bend me. \^Aside. 
 
 Hag. Come, sir, here's a place for you to preach in. 
 Will you put in your leg ? 
 
 Over. That I will, cheerfully. 
 
 {They put him in the stocks. 
 
 Bri. O' my conscience, a seminary ! ' he kisses the 
 stocks. 
 
 Cokes. Well, my masters, I'll leave him with you ; 
 now I see him bestowed, I'll go look for my goods, and 
 Numps. 
 
 Hag. You may, sir, I warrant you : where's the 
 t'other bawleV ? fetch him too, you shall find them 
 both fast enough. lExit Cokes. 
 
 ' I.e., A Romish priest educated in the seminaries abroacl, 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 95 
 
 Over. In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the 
 
 author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, 
 
 sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble 
 
 a triumph. [Aside. 
 
 Re-enter Troubleall. 
 
 Tro. Do you assure me upon your words ? May I 
 undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you 
 have this warrant ? 
 
 Hag. What's this fellow, for God's sake ? 
 
 Tro. Do but show me Adam, Overdo, and I am 
 satisfied. \^Exit. 
 
 Bri. He is a fellow that is distracted, they say ; one 
 Troubleall : he was an officer in the court of pie- 
 poudres here last year, and put out of his place by 
 Justice Overdo. 
 
 Over. Ha ! {Aside. 
 
 Bri. Upon which he took an idle conceit, and is 
 run mad upon't : so that ever since he will do nothing 
 but by Justice Overdo's warrant ; he will not eat a 
 crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel 
 ready. His wife, sir reverence, cannot get him make 
 his water, or shift his shirt, without his warrant. 
 
 Over. If this be true, this is my greatest disaster. 
 How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of 
 so good a nature to me, out of his wits ! where there 
 is no room left for dissembling. \Aside. 
 
 Re-enter Troubleall. 
 Tro. If you cannot show me Adam Overdo, I am 
 in doubt of you ; I am afraid you cannot answer it. 
 
 \_Exit. 
 Hag. Before me, neighbour Bristle, — and now I 
 think on't better, — Justice Overdo is a very parantory 
 person. 
 
95 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Bri. O, are you advised of that ! and a severe 
 justicer, by your leave. 
 
 Over. Do I hear ill o* that side too ? \^Aside. 
 
 Bri. He will sit as upright on the bench, an you 
 mark him, as a candle in the socket, and give light to 
 the whole court in every business. 
 
 Hag. But he will burn blue, and swell like a boil, 
 God bless us, an he be angry. 
 
 Bri. Ay, and he will be angry too, when he lists, 
 that's more ; and when he is angry, be it right or 
 wrong, he has the law on's side ever : I mark that too. 
 
 Over. I will be more tender hereafter. I see com- 
 passion may become a justice, though it be a weakness, 
 I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue. \Aside. 
 
 Hag. Well, take him out o' the stocks again ; we'll 
 go a sure way to work, we'll have the ace of hearts of 
 our side, if we can. \They take Overdo out. 
 
 Enter Pocher, and Officers with Busy, followed by 
 Mrs. Pltrecraft. 
 
 Poch. Come, bring him away to his fellow there. — 
 Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though 
 we cannot rule your tongue. 
 
 Busy. No, minister of darkness, no ; thou canst not 
 rule my tongue ; my tongue it is mine own, and with 
 it I will both knock and mock down your Bartholomew 
 abominations, till you be made a hissing to the neigh- 
 bouring parishes round about. 
 
 Hag. Let him alone, we have devised better upon't. 
 
 Pure. And shall he not into the stocks then ? 
 
 Bri. No, mistress, we'll have them both to Justice 
 Overdo, and let him do over 'em as is fitting ; then I, 
 and my gossip Haggise, and my beadle Pocher are 
 discharged. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 97 
 
 Pure. O, I thank you, blessed honest men ! 
 Bri. Nay, never thank us ; but thank this madman 
 that comes here ; he put it in our heads. 
 
 Re-enter Troubleall. 
 
 Pure. Is he mad ? now heaven increase his mad- 
 ness, and bless it, and thank it. — Sir, your poor hand- 
 maid thanks you. 
 
 Tro. Have you a warrant ? an you have a warrant, 
 show it. 
 
 Pure. Yes, I have a warrant out of the word, to 
 give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the 
 brethren. \_Exeunt all but Troubleall. 
 
 Tro. It is Justice Overdo's warrant that I look for ; 
 if you have not that, keep your word, I'll keep mine. 
 Quit ye, and multiply ye. 
 
 Enter Edgworth and Nightingale. 
 
 Edg. Come away. Nightingale, I pray thee. 
 
 Tro. Whither go you ? where's your warrant. 
 
 Edg. Warrant ! for what, sir ? 
 
 Tro. For what you go about, you know how fit it is ; 
 an you have no warrant, bless you, I'll pray for you, 
 that's all I can do. \Exit. 
 
 Edg. What means he ? 
 
 Night. A madman that haunts the Fair ; do you 
 not know him ? It's marvel he has not more followers 
 after his ragged heels. 
 
 Edg. Beshrew him, he startled me. I thought he 
 had known of our plot. Guilt's a terrible thing. 
 Have you prepared the costardmonger ? 
 
 Night. Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears ; he 
 is at the corner here, ready. And your prize, he 
 Jon. It. H 
 
98 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 comes down sailing that way all alone, without his 
 protector ; he is rid of him, it seems. 
 
 Edg. Ay, I know ; I should have followed his 
 protectorship, for a feat I am to do upon him : but 
 this offered itself so in the way, I could not let scape : 
 here he comes, whistle ; be this sport called Dorring 
 the Dotterel. 
 
 Re-enter Cokes. 
 
 Night. Wh, wh, wh, wh, &c. [ Whistles. 
 
 Cokes. By this Hght, I cannot fin I my gingerbread 
 wife, nor my hobby-horse man, in all the Fair now, to 
 have my money again : and I do not know the way 
 out on't, to go home for more. Do you hear, friend, 
 you that whistle ? what tune is that you whistle ? 
 
 Night. A new tune I am practising, sir. 
 
 Cokes. Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee ? 
 nay, on with thy tune ; I have no such haste for an 
 answer : I'll practise with thee. 
 
 Enter Costardmonger zvith a basket of Pears. 
 
 Cos. Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine ! 
 [Nightingale sets his foot afore him and he falls 
 with his basket. 
 Cokes. Ods so ! a muss a muss, a muss, a muss ! ' 
 
 \_Falls a scrambling for the pcari. 
 Cos. Good gentlemen, my ware, my ware ; I am a 
 poor man. Good sir, my ware. 
 
 Night. Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you. 
 Cokes. Do, and my cloak an thou wilt, and my hat 
 too. 
 
 Edg. A delicate great boy ! methinks he out- 
 scrambles them all. I cannot persuade myself but 
 
 ' I.e., K scramble. 
 
SCENE I.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 99 
 
 he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant 
 to-day. 
 
 Night Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel. 
 
 Edg. Purse I a man might cut out his kidneys, I 
 think, and he never feel 'em, he is so earnest at the 
 sport. 
 
 Night. His soul is half-way out on's body at the 
 game. 
 
 Edg. Away, Nightingale ; that way. 
 
 [Nightingale runs off with his sword, cloak, and 
 hat. 
 
 Cokes. I think I am furnished for cather'ne pears, 
 for one undermeal.' Give me my cloak. 
 
 Cos. Good gentleman, give me my ware. 
 
 Cokes. Where's the fellow I gave my cloak to ? my 
 cloak and my hat ? ha ! ods 'lid, is he gone? thieves, 
 thieves ! help me to cry, gentlemen. \_Exit hastily. 
 
 Edg. Away, costardmonger, come to us to Ursula's. 
 \_Exit Cost.] Talk of him to have a soul ! 'heart, if 
 he have any more than a thing given him instead of 
 salt, only to keep him from stinking, I'll be hanged 
 afore my time presently : where should it be, trow? 
 in his blood ? he has not so much toward it in his 
 whole body as will maintain a good flea ! and if he 
 take this course, he will not have so much land left as 
 to rear a calf, within this twelvemonth. Was there 
 ever green plover so pulled ! That his little overseer 
 had been here now, and been but tall enough to see 
 him steal pears, in exchange for his beaver hat and his 
 cloak thus ! I must go find him out next, for his 
 black box, and his patent, it seems, he has of his 
 place ; which I think the gentleman would have a 
 reversion of, that spoke to me for it so earnestly. 
 
 \_Exit. 
 " I.e., For an afternoon's meal. 
 
100 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Re-enter Cokes. 
 Cokes. Would I might lose my doublet, and hose 
 too, as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think 
 there be anything but thieving and cozening in this 
 whole Fair. Bartholomew Fair, quoth he ! an ever 
 any Bartholomew had that luck in't that I have had, 
 I'll be martyred for him, and in Smithfield too. I 
 have paid for my pears, a rot on 'em ! I'll keep them 
 no longer ; \throws away his pears.'\ you were choke- 
 pears to me. I had been better have gone to mum- 
 chance for you, I wuss. Methinks the Fair should not 
 have used me thus, an 'twere but for my name's-sake. 
 I would not have used a dog o' the name so. O, 
 Numps will triumph now ! 
 
 Enter Troubleall. 
 
 Friend, do you know who I am, or where I lie ? I 
 do not myself, I'll be sworn. Do but carry me home, 
 and I'll please thee ; I have money enough there. I 
 have lost myself, and my cloak, and my hat, and my 
 fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and Mistress 
 Grace, a gentlewoman that I should have married, 
 and a outwork handkerchief she gave me, and two 
 purses, to-day ; and my bargain of hobby-horses and 
 gingerbread, which gfieves me worst of all. 
 
 7ro. By whose warrant, sir, have you done all this? 
 
 Cokes. Warrant ! thou art a wise fellow indeed ; as 
 if a man need a warrant to lose anything with. 
 
 Tro. Yes, Justice Overdo's warrant, a man may get 
 and lose with, I'll stand to't. 
 
 Cokes. Justice Overdo ! dost thou know him ? I 
 lie there ; he is my brother-in-law ; he married my 
 sister : pray thee show me the way ; dost thou know 
 the house ? 
 
SCENE II.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. loi 
 
 Tro. Sir, show me your warrant : I know nothing 
 without a warrant, pardon me. 
 
 Cokes. Why, I warrant thee ; come along : thou 
 shalt see I have wrought pillows there, and cambric 
 sheets, and sweet bags too. Pray thee guide me to 
 the house. 
 
 Tro. Sir, I'll tell you ; go you thither yourself first 
 alone, tell your worshipful brother your mind, and but 
 bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk's, with 
 Adam Overdo underneath (here I'll stay you), I'll obey 
 you, and I'll guide you presently. 
 
 Cokes. 'Slid, this is an ass, I have found him : pox 
 upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool ! fare- 
 well ! you are a very coxcomb, do you hear ? 
 
 Tro. I think I am ; if Justice Overdo sign to it, I 
 am, and so we are all : he'll quit us all, multiply us 
 all. \_Exeimt. 
 
 SCENE \\.— Another part of the Fair. 
 
 Enter , Grace, Quarlous, and Winwife, with their 
 swords drawn. 
 
 Grace. Gentlemen, this is no way that you take ; 
 you do but breed one another trouble and ofEeiice, and 
 give me no contentment at all. I am no she that 
 affects to be quarrelled for, or have my name or fortune 
 made the question of men's swords. 
 
 Quar. 'Slood, we love you. 
 
 Grace. If you both love me, as you pretend, your 
 own reason will tell you but one can enjoy me : and 
 to that point there leads a directer line, than by my 
 
I02 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 infamy, which must follow if you fight. 'Tis true, I 
 have profest it to you ingenuously, that rather than to 
 be yoked with this bridegroom is appointed me, I 
 would take up any husband almost upon any trust ; 
 though subtlety would say to me, I know, he is a fool, 
 and has an estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy 
 a friend beside : but these are not my aims ; I must 
 have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. 
 I shall ill make one of these politic wives. 
 
 Winw. Why, if you can like either of us, lady, say 
 wnich is he, and the other shall swear instantly to 
 desist. 
 
 Quar. Content, I accord to that willingly. 
 
 Grace. Sure you think me a woman of an extreme 
 levity, gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that meeting 
 you by chance in such a place as this, both at one 
 instant, and not yet of two hours' acquaintance, 
 neither of you deserving afore the other of me, I 
 should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect 
 one more particularly) as to say, this is he, and name 
 him. 
 
 Quar. Why, wherefore should you not ? What 
 should hinder you ? 
 
 Grace. If you would not give it to my modesty, 
 allow it yet to my wit ; give me so much of woman 
 and cunning as not to betray myself impertinently. 
 How can I judge of you, so far as to a choice, without 
 knowing you more ? You are both equal, and alike 
 to me yet, and so indifferently affected by me, as each 
 of you might be the man, if the other were away : for 
 you are reasonable creatures, you have understanding 
 and discourse ; and if fate send me an understanding 
 husband, I have no fear at all but mine own manners 
 shall make him a good one. 
 
SCENE II.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 103 
 
 Quar. Would I were put forth to making for you 
 then. 
 
 Grace. It may be you- are, you know not what is 
 toward you ; will you consent to a motion of mine, 
 gentlemen ? 
 
 Winiv. Whatever it be we'll presume reasonableness, 
 coming from you. 
 
 Quar. And fitness too. 
 
 Grace. I saw one of you buy a pair of tables e'en 
 now. 
 
 Wimv. Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, un- 
 written in. 
 
 Grace. The fitter for what they may be employed 
 in. You sh.all write either of you hei"e a word or a 
 name, what you like best, but of two or three syllables 
 at most ; and the next person that comes this way, 
 because Destiny has a high hand in business of this 
 nature, I'll demand which of the two words he or she 
 doth approve, and according to that sentence fix my 
 resolution and affection without change. 
 
 Quar. Agreed ; my word is conceived already. 
 
 Wmiv. And mine shall not be long creating after. 
 
 Grace. But you shall promise, gentlemen, not to be 
 curious to know which of you it is, taken ; but give 
 me leave to conceal that till you have brought me 
 either home or where I may safely tender myself 
 
 Wimv. Why, that's but equal. 
 
 Quar. We are pleased. 
 
 Grace. Because I will bind both your endeavours to 
 work together friendly and jointly each to the other's 
 fortune, and have myself fitted with some means to 
 make him that is forsaken a part of amends. 
 
 Quar. These conditions are very courteous. Well, 
 my word is out of the Arcadia^ then ; Argalus. 
 
I04 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Winw. And mine out of the play ; Palcmon. 
 
 \_They write. 
 
 Enter Tuoubleall. 
 
 Tro. Have you any warrant for this, gentlemen. 
 
 Quar. Winw. Ha ! 
 
 Tro. There must be a warrant had, believe it. 
 
 Winw. For what ? - 
 
 Tro. For whatsoever it is, anything indeed, no 
 matter what. 
 
 Quar. 'Slight ! here's a fine ragged prophet dropt 
 down i' the nick ! 
 
 Tro. Heaven quit you, gentlemen ! 
 
 Quar. Nay, stay a little : good lady, put him to the 
 question. 
 
 Grace. You are content then ? 
 
 Winw. Quar. Yes, yes. 
 
 Grace. Sir, here are two names written 
 
 Tro. Is Justice Overdo one ? 
 
 Grace. How, sir ! I pray you read them to yourself; 
 it is for a wager between these gentlemen ; and with 
 a stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve 
 best. 
 
 Tro. They may be both worshipful names for aught 
 I know, mistress ; but Adam Overdo had been worth 
 three of them, I assure you in this place, that's in 
 plain English. 
 
 Grace. This man amazes me. I pray yovi like one 
 of them, sir. 
 
 Tro. [marks the 'book.'\ I do like him there, that has 
 the best warrant, mistress, to save your longing, and 
 (multiply him) it may be this. But I am still for 
 Justice Overdo, that's my conscience ; and quit you. 
 
 Winw. Is it done, lady ? 
 
SCENE II.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 105 
 
 Grace. Ay, and strangely as ever I saw : what 
 fellow is this, trow ? 
 
 Qiiar. No matter what, a fortune-teller we have 
 made him : which is it, which is it ? 
 
 Grace. Nay, did you not promise not to inquire ? 
 
 Enter Edgworth. 
 
 Qitar. 'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me. 
 Look, here's our Mercury come ; the licence arrives 
 in the finest time too ! 'tis but scraping out Cokes his 
 name, and 'tis done. 
 
 Wmw. How now, lime-twig, hast thou touched ? 
 
 Edg. Not yet, sir ; except you would go with me 
 and see it, it is not worth speaking on. The act is 
 nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man 
 with the box, fallen into the finest company, and so 
 transported with vapours ! they have got in a northern 
 clothier, and one Puppy, a western man, that's come 
 to wrestle before my Lord Mayor anon, and Captain 
 Whit, and one Val Cutting, that helps Captain Jordan 
 to roar, a circling boy ; with whom your Numps is so 
 taken that you may strip him of his clothes, if you 
 will. I'll undertake to geld him for you, if you had 
 but a surgeon ready to sear him. And Mistress Jus- 
 tice there is the goodest woman ! she does so love 
 them all over in terms of justice and the style of 
 
 authority, with her hood upright that I beseech 
 
 you come away, gentlemen, and see't. 
 
 Quar. 'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair ; 
 what will you do, Ned ? 
 
 Wmw. Why, stay hereabout for you : Mistress 
 Wellborn must not be seen. 
 
 Quar. Do so, and find out a priest in the mean- 
 time 1^ I'll bring the licence. — Lead, which way is't 1 
 
io6 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Edg. Here, sir, you are on the back o' the booth 
 already ; you may hear the noise. \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE lU.— Another part of the Fair. 
 
 Ursula's Booth., as before : Knockem, Whit, 
 Northern, Puppy, Cutting, Waspe, and Mrs. 
 Overdo, discovered, all in a state of intoxication. 
 
 Knock. Whit, bid Val Cutting continue the vapours 
 for a lift, Whit, for a lift. \_Aside to Whit. 
 
 Nor. I'll nc mare, I'll ne mare ; the eale's too 
 meeghty. 
 
 Knock. How now ! my galloway nag the staggers, 
 ha ! Whit, give him a slit in the forehead. Cheer 
 up, man ; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I'd 
 cure him now, an I had it, with a little butter and 
 garlick, long pepper and grains. Where's my horn ? 
 I'll give him a mash presently, shall take away this 
 dizziness. 
 
 Pup. Why, where are you, zurs ? do you vlinch, 
 and leave us in the zuds now ? 
 
 Nor. I'll ne ' mare, I is e'en as vull as a paiper's bag, 
 by my troth, I. 
 
 Pap. Do my northern cloth zhrink i' the wetting, 
 ha? 
 
 Knock. Why, well said, old flea-bitten ; ' thou'lt 
 never tire, I see. \They fall to their vapours again. 
 
 Cut. No, sir, but he may tire if it please him. 
 
 ' A familiar oliservalion of the livery-stable. "A flea-bitten 
 horse never tires." 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 107 
 
 Whit. Who told dee sho, that he vuld never teer, 
 man ? 
 
 Cut. No matter who told him so, so long as he 
 knows. 
 
 Knock. Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there. 
 
 Enter behind Edgworth with Quarlous. 
 
 Edg. They are at it still, sir ; this they call vapours. 
 
 Whit. He shall not pardon dee, captain ; dou shalt 
 not be pardoned. Pre'dee, shweetheart, do not pardon 
 him. 
 
 Ctit. 'Slight, I'll pardon him, an I list, whosoever 
 says nay to't. 
 
 Quar. Where's Numps ? I miss him. 
 
 Waspe. Why, I say nay to't. 
 
 Quar. O, there he is. 
 
 Knock. To what do you say nay, sir ? 
 
 Waspe. To anything, whatsoever it is, so long as I 
 do not like it. 
 
 Whit. Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a 
 little. 
 
 Cut. No, he must not like it at all, sir ; there you 
 are i' the wrong. 
 
 Whit. I tink I bee : he musht not like it indeed. 
 
 Cut. Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, 
 for all you. 
 
 Knock. If he have reason, he may like it, sir. 
 
 Whit. By no meensh, captain, upon reason, he may 
 like nothing upon reason. 
 
 Waspe. I have no reason, nor I will hear of no 
 reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an ass 
 that either knows any, or looks for't from me. 
 
 Cut. Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir. 
 
 Washe. Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you. 
 
io8 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Whit. Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing 
 in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man. 
 
 Waspe. Why then, I do grant him nothing : and I 
 have no sense. 
 
 Cut. 'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed. 
 
 Waspe. 'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't 
 better, and I will grant him anything, do you see. 
 
 Knock. He is in the right, and does utter a sufficient 
 vapour. 
 
 Cut. Nay, it is no sufficient vapour neither, I deny 
 that. 
 
 Knock. Then it is a sweet vapour. 
 
 Cut. It may be a sweet vapour. 
 
 Waspe. Nay, it is no sweet vapour neither, sir, it 
 stinks, and I'll stand to't. 
 
 Whit. Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, captain : all vapour 
 dosh shtink. 
 
 Waspe. Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall 
 not stink. 
 
 Cut. By your leave, it may, sir. 
 
 Waspe. Ay, by my leave it may stink, I know that. 
 
 Whit. Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot 
 by thy leave, angry man. 
 
 Waspe. How can it not ? 
 
 Knock. Nay, never question him, for he is in the 
 right. 
 
 Whit. Yesh, I am in de right, I confesh it, so ish de 
 little man too. 
 
 Waspe. I'll have nothing confest that concerns me. 
 I am not in the right, nor never was in the right, nor 
 never will be in the right, wliile I am in my right 
 mind. 
 
 Cut. Mind ! why, here's no man minds you, sir, nor 
 anything else. \They drink again. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 109 
 
 Pup. Vriend, will you mind this that we do ? 
 
 {Obeying Northern the cup. 
 
 Quar. Call you this vapours ! this. is such belching 
 of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your 
 business, sir ? 
 
 Edg. You shall see, sir. \_Goes up to Waspk. 
 
 Nor. I'll ne mare, my waimb warkes too mickle 
 with this auready. 
 
 Edg. Will you take that, Master Waspe, that no- 
 body should mind you ? 
 
 Waspe. Why, what have you to do ? is't any matter 
 to you ? 
 
 Edg. No, but methinks you should not be unminded, 
 though. 
 
 Waspe. Nor I wu' not be, now I think on't. Do 
 you hear, new acquaintance ? does no man mind me, 
 say you ? 
 
 Cut. Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how ? 
 
 Waspe. Nay, I care as little how as you do ; that 
 was not my question. 
 
 Whit. No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned 
 man, and I am a valiant man, i' faith la, tou shalt 
 speak for me, and I will fight for tee. 
 
 Knock. Fight for him, Whit ! a gross vapour, he 
 can fight for himself. 
 
 Waspe. It may be I can, but it may be I wu' not, 
 how then ? 
 
 Cut. Why, then you may choose. 
 
 Waspe. Why, then I'll choose whether I choose or no. 
 
 Knock. I think you may, and 'tis true ; and I allow 
 it for a resolute vapour. 
 
 Waspe. Nay then, I do think you do not think, and 
 it is no resolute vapour. 
 
 Cut. YeS', in some sort he may allow you. 
 
no BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Knock. Ill no sort, sir, pardoa me, I can allow him 
 nothing. You mistake the vapour. 
 
 Waspe. He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort. 
 
 Whit. Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake. 
 
 Waspe. A t— in your teeth, never pre dee me, for 
 I will have nothing mistake. 
 
 Knock. T — ! ha, t — ? a noisome vapour : strike, 
 Whit. ' ;•. \_Astdc to Whit. 
 
 \They fall together by the ears., while Edgwoeth 
 steals the licence out of the box. and exit. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Why, gentlemen, why, gentlemen, I 
 charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. 
 In the king's name, and my husband's, put up your 
 weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself else. 
 
 Quar. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Waspe. Why do you laugh, sir ? 
 
 Quar. Sir, you'll allow me my christian liberty. I 
 may laugh, I hope. 
 
 Cut. In some sort you may, and in some sort you 
 may not, sir. 
 
 Knock. Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh 
 nor hope in this company. 
 
 Waspe. Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in 
 any sort, an't please him. 
 
 Quar. Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me 
 exceedingly. 
 
 Waspe. No exceeding neither, sir. 
 
 Knock. No, that vapour is too lofty. 
 
 Quar. Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game 
 of vapours, I am not very good at it, but 
 
 Cut. ]_draws a circle on the ground.'\ Do you hear, 
 sir ? I would speak with you in circle. 
 
 Quar. In circle, sir ! what would you with me in 
 circle ? 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. in 
 
 Cut. Can you lend me a piece, a Jacobus, in circle ? 
 Quar. 'Slid, your circle will prove more costly than 
 your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none. 
 Ciit. Your beard's not well turned up, sir. 
 Quar. How, rascal ! are you playing with my 
 beard ? I'll break circle with you. 
 
 [ They all draw and fight. 
 Pup. Nor. Gentlemen, gentlemen I 
 Knock. [Aside to Whit.] Gather up, Whit, gather 
 up, Whit, good vapours. 
 
 [_Exit, while Whit takes up the swords, cloaks, 
 &c., and conceals them. 
 Mrs. Over. What mean you ? are you rebels, 
 gentlemen ? shall I send out a serjeant-at-arms, or a 
 writ of rebellion against you ? I'll commit you upon 
 my womanhood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if 
 you persist. \_Exeunt Quarlous and Cutting. 
 
 Waspe. Upon my justice-hood ! marry s — o' your 
 hood : you'll commit ! spoke like a true justice of 
 peace's wife indeed, and a fine female lawyer ! t— in 
 your teeth for a fee, now. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Why, Numps, in Master Overdo's name 
 I charge you. 
 
 Waspe. Good Mistress Underdo, hold your tongue. 
 Mrs. Over. Alas, poor Numps ! 
 Waspe. Alas ! and why alas from you, I beseech 
 you ? or why poor Numps, goody Rich ? Am I come 
 to be pitied by your tuft-taffata now ? Why, mistress, 
 I knew Adam the clerk, your husband, when he was 
 Adam Scrivener,' and writ for twopence a sheet, as 
 
 ■ Numps had been reading Chaucer, who addresses his amaiiuensis 
 by this name : 
 
 "Adam Scrivenere, if ever it the befalle, 
 Boece or Troiles for to write new," &c. 
 
112 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, 
 dame 
 
 Enter Bristle and other Watchmen. 
 
 What are you, sir ? 
 
 Bri. We be men, and no infidels ; what is the 
 matter here, and the noises, can you tell ? 
 
 Waspe. Heart, what ha' you to do ? cannot a man 
 quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on't by 
 you ? what are you ? 
 
 Bri. Why, we be his majesty's watch, sir. 
 
 Waspe. Watch ! 'sblood, you are a sweet watch 
 indeed. A body would think, an you watched well 
 a-nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time 
 a-day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you 
 rogues, your kennels, and lie down close. 
 
 Bri. Down ! yes, we will down, I warrant you : 
 down with him ; in his majesty's name, down, down 
 with him, and carry him away to the pigeon- 
 holes. 
 
 \_Some of the Watch seize Waspe, and carry him 
 off. 
 
 Mrs. Over. I thank you, honest friends, in the 
 behalf o' the crown, and the peace, and in Master 
 Overdo's name, for suppressing enormities. 
 
 Whit. Stay, Bristle, here ish anoder brash of 
 drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay 
 de five shillings very well. \_Points to Northern and 
 Puppy, drunk and asleep on the bench.'] Take 'em to 
 de, in de graish o' God : one of hem do's change cloth 
 for ale in the Fair here ; te toder ish a strong man, a 
 mighty man, my Lord Mayor's man, and a wrastler. 
 He has wrashled so long with the bottle here, that the 
 man with the beard hash almosht streek up his heelsh. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 113 
 
 Bri. 'Slid, the clerk o' the market has been to cry 
 him all the Fair over here, for my lord's service. 
 
 Whit. Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make 
 ty best on him. \^Exeunt Bristle and the rest of the 
 Watch with Northern and Puppy.]— How now, 
 woman o'shilk, vot ailsh ty shweet faish ? art tou 
 melancholy ? 
 
 Mrs. Over. A little distempered with these enor- 
 mities. Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, captain ? 
 
 Whit. Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do 
 it, shpeak out. 
 
 Mrs. Over. I cannot with modesty speak it out, 
 but— — [ Whispers him. 
 
 Whit. I vill do it, and more and more, for de. 
 What Ursla, an't be bitch, an't be bawd, an't be ! 
 
 Enter Ursula. 
 
 Urs. How now, rascal ; what roar you for, old pimp ? 
 
 Whit. Plere, put de cloaks, Ursh ; de purchase. 
 Pre de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave voman 
 to a Jordan, an't be. 
 
 Urs. 'Slid, call your Captain Jordan to her, can you 
 not ? 
 
 Whit. Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the 
 velvet woman to de 
 
 Urs. I bring her ! hang her : heart, must I find a 
 common pot for every punk in your purlieus ? 
 
 Whit. O, good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest 0' velvet, 
 i' fait la. 
 
 Urs. Let her sell her hood, and buy a sponge, with 
 a pox to her ! my vessel is employed, sir. I have but 
 one, and 'tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest 
 proctor and his wife are at it within ; if she'll stay her 
 time, so. \^Exit. 
 
 Jon. II. I 
 
114 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Whit. As soon as tou cansht, shweet Ursh. Of a 
 valiant man I tink I am te patientsh man i' the world, 
 or in all Smithfield. 
 
 Re-enter Knockem. 
 
 Knock. How now, Whit ! close vapours, stealing 
 your leaps ! covering in corners, ha ! 
 
 Whit. No, fait, captain, dough tou beesht a vishe 
 man, dy vit is a mile hence now. I was procuring a 
 shmall courtesie for a woman of fashion here. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Yes, captain, though I am a justice of 
 peace's wife, I do love men of war, and the sons of the 
 sword, when they come before my husband. 
 
 Knock. Sayst thou so, filly ? thou shalt have a leap 
 presently, I'll horse thee inyself else. 
 
 Urs. \within.\ Come, will you bring her in now, and 
 let her take her turn ? 
 
 Whit. Grammercy, good Ursh, I tank de. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Master Overdo shall thank her. \_Exit. 
 
 Re-enter Ursula, followed by Littlewit and Mrs. 
 
 LiTTLEWIT. 
 
 Lit. Good ga'mere Urse, Win and I are exceedingly 
 beholden to you, and to Captain Jordan, and Captain 
 Whit. — Win, I'll be bold to leave you in this good 
 company. Win ; for half an hour or so. Win ; while 
 I go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the 
 puppets be perfect ; and then I'll come and fetch you. 
 Will. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Will you leave me alone with two men, 
 John? 
 
 Lit. Ay, they are honest gentlemen, Win, Captain 
 Jordan and Captain Whit ; they'll use you very civilly, 
 Win. God be wi' you. Win. \Exii. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 115 
 
 Urs. What, is her husband gone ? 
 
 Knock. On his false gallop, Ursa, away. 
 
 UrSi An you be right Bartholomew birds, now show 
 yourselves so : we are undone for want of fowl in the 
 Fair here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three 
 or four gallants with him at night, and I have neither 
 plover nor quail for them : persuade this between you 
 two, to become a bird o' the game, while I work the 
 velvet woman within, as you call her. 
 
 Knock. I conceive thee, Urse : go thy ways. \_Exit 
 Ursula.] Dost thou hear, Whit ? is't not pity, my 
 delicate dark chestnut here, with the fine lean head, 
 large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, 
 long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep 
 sides, short fillets, and full flanks ; with a round belly, 
 a plump buttock, large thighs, knit knees, straight 
 legs, short pasterns, smooth hoofs, and short heels, 
 should lead a full honest woman's life, that might live 
 the life of a lady ? 
 
 Whit. Yes, by my fait and trot it is, captain ; de 
 honest woman's life is a scurvy dull life indeed, la. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. How, sir, is an honest woman's life a 
 scurvy life ? 
 
 Whit. Yes fait, shweetheart, believe him, de leef of 
 a bond-woman ! but if dou vilt hearken to me, I vill 
 make tee a free woman and a lady ; dou shalt live like 
 a lady, as te captain saish. 
 
 Knock. Ay, and be honest too sometimes ; have her 
 wires and her tires, her green gowns and velvet petti- 
 coats. 
 
 Whit. Ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford in dy 
 coash, shee de players, be in love vit 'em : sup vit 
 gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting. 
 
 Knock, Brave vapours ! 
 
ii6 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Wh-it. And lie by twenty on 'em, if dou pleash, 
 shweetheart. 
 
 ■ Mrs. Lit. What, and be honest still ! that were fine 
 sport. 
 
 Whit. Tish common, shweetheart, tou mayst do it 
 by my hand : it shall be justified to thy husband's 
 faish, now : tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between 
 his hornsh, la. 
 
 Knock. Yes, and wear a dressing, top and top- 
 gallant, to compare with e'er a husband on 'em all, 
 for a foretop : it is the vapour of spirit in the wife to 
 cuckold nowadays, as it is the vapour of fashion in the 
 husband not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed citizen 
 is an abominable vapour. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Lord, what a fool have I been ! 
 
 Wliit. Mend then, arid do everyting like a lady 
 hereafter ; never know ty husband from another man. 
 
 Knock. Nor any one man from another, but in the 
 dark. 
 
 ^Miit. Ay, and then it ish no digsrash to know any 
 man. 
 
 Urs. \within.'\ Help, help here ! 
 
 Knock. How now ? what vapour's there ? 
 
 Re-enter Ursula. 
 
 Urs. O, you are a sweet ranger, and look well to 
 your walks ! Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, 
 ramping Alice, has fallen upon the poor gentlewoman 
 within, and pulled her hood over her ears, and her 
 hair through it. 
 
 Enter Alice, beating and driving in Mrs. Overdo. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Help, help, in the king's name ! 
 Alice. A mischief on you, they are such as you are 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 117 
 
 that undo us and take our trade from us, with your 
 tuft-taffata haunches. 
 
 Knock. How now, AHce ! 
 
 Alice. The poor common whores can have no traffic 
 for the privy rich ones ; your caps and hoods of velvet 
 call away our customers, and lick the fat from us. 
 
 Urs. Peace, you foul ramping jade, you 
 
 Alice. Od's foot, you bawd in grease, are you 
 talking ? 
 
 Knock. Why, Alice, I say. 
 
 Alice. Thou sow of Smithfield, thou ! 
 
 Urs. Thou tripe of TurnbuU ! 
 
 Knock. Cat-a-mountain vapours, ha ! 
 
 Urs. You know where you were tawed lately ; both 
 lashed and slashed you were in Bridewell. 
 
 Alice. Ay, by the same token you rid that week,' 
 and broke out the bottom of the cart, night-tub. 
 
 Knock. Why, lion face, ha ! do you know who I 
 am ? shall I tear ruff, slit waistcoat, make rags of 
 petticoat, ha ! go to, vanish for fear of vapours. Whit, 
 a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. \They kick out 
 Alice.] Come, brave woman, take a good heart, thou 
 shalt be a lady too. 
 
 Whit. Yes, fait, dey shall all both be ladies, and 
 write madam : I vill do't myself for dem. Do is the 
 word, and D is the middle letter of madam, D D, put 
 'em together, and make deeds, without which all words 
 are alike, la ! 
 
 Knock. 'Tis true : Ursula, take them in, open thy 
 wardrobe, and fit them to their calling. Green gowns,, 
 crimson petticoats, green women, my lord mayor's green 
 women ! guests o' the game, true bred. I'll provide 
 you a coach to take the air in. 
 
 ' I.e., you were carted for a bawd. 
 
ii8 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. But do you think you can get one ? 
 
 Knock. O, they are common as wheelbarrows where 
 there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger's wife has 
 'em ; for first he buys a coach that he may marry, and 
 then he marries that he may be made cuckold in't : for 
 if their wives ride not to their cuckolding, they do 
 them no credit. \_Exeimt Ursula, Mrs. Littlewit, 
 and Mrs. Overdo.] Hide and be hidden, ride and be 
 ridden., says the vapour of experience. 
 
 Enter Troubleall. 
 
 Tro. By what warrant does it say so ? 
 
 Knock. Ha, mad child o' the pie-poudres ! art thou 
 there ? fill us a fresh can, Urse, we may drink together. 
 
 Tro. I may not drink without a warrant, captain. 
 
 Knock. 'Slood, thou'll not stale without a warrant 
 shortly. Whit, give me pen, ink, and paper, I'll draw 
 him a warrant presently. 
 
 Tro. It must be Justice Overdo's. 
 
 Knock. I know, man ; fetch the drink, Whit. 
 
 Whit. I pre dee now, be very brief, captain ; for de 
 new ladies stay for dee. 
 
 \_Exit, and re-enters with a can. 
 
 Knock. O, as brief as can be, here 'tis already. [ Gives 
 Troubleall a paper. 1 Adam Overdo. 
 
 Tro. Why, now I'll pledge you, captain. 
 
 Knock. Drink it off, I'll come to thee anon again. 
 
 [ Exeunt. 
 
SCiiNE IV.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 119 
 
 SCENE W.—Tke back of Ursula's Booth. Overdo 
 171 the Stocks, People, &c. 
 
 Enter Quarlous with the licence, and Edgworth. 
 
 Qtiar. Well, sir, you are now discharged ; beware of 
 being spied hereafter. 
 
 Edg. Sir, will it please you enter in here at Ursula's, 
 and take part of a silken gown, a velvet petticoat, or a 
 wrought smock ; I am promised such, and I can spare 
 a gentleman a moiety. 
 
 Quar. Keep it for your companions in beastliness, I 
 am none of them, sir. If I had not already forgiven 
 you a greater trespass, or thought you yet worth my 
 beating, I would instruct your manners to whom you 
 made your offers. But go your ways, talk not to me, 
 the hangman is only fit to discourse with you ; the 
 hand of beadle is too merciful a punishment for your 
 trade of life. \^Exit Edgworth.] I am sorry I em- 
 ployed this fellow, for he thinks me such ; facinus quos 
 inqtiinat, cequat. But it was for sport ; and would I 
 make it serious, the getting of this licence is nothing 
 to me, without other circumstances concur. I do think 
 how impertinently I labour, if the word be not mine 
 that the ragged fellow marked ; and what advantage 
 I have given Ned Winwife in this time now of working 
 her, though it be mine. He'll go near to form to her 
 what a debauched rascal I am, and fright her out of all 
 good conceit of me. I should do so by him, I am sure, 
 if I had the opportunity. But my hope is in her 
 temper yet ; and it must needs be next to despair, that 
 is grounded on any part of a woman's discretion. I 
 would give, by my troih now, all I could spare, to my 
 clothes and my sword, to meet my tattered soothsayer 
 
I20 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 again, who was my judge in the question, to know 
 certainly whose word he has damned or saved ; for till 
 then I live but under a reprieve. I must seek him. 
 Who be these ? 
 Enter Bristle and some of the Watch, with Waspe. 
 
 Waspe. Sir, you are a Welsh cuckold, and a prating 
 runt, and no constable. 
 
 Bri. You say very well. — Come, put in his leg in 
 the middle roundel, and let him hole there. 
 
 \_They put him in the stocks. 
 
 Waspe. You stink of leeks, metheglin, and cheese, 
 you rogue. 
 
 Bri. Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in 
 the stocks in the meantime ? if you have a mind to 
 stink too, your breeches sit close enough to your bum. 
 Sit you merry, sir. 
 
 Quar. How now, Numps ? 
 
 Waspe. It is no matter how ; pray you look off. 
 
 Quar. Nay, I'll not offend you, Numps ; I thought 
 you had sat there to be seen. 
 
 Waspe. And to be sold, did you not ? pray you mind 
 your business, an you have any. 
 
 Quar. Cry you mercy, Numps ; does your leg lie 
 high enough ? 
 
 Enter Haggise. 
 
 Bri. How now, neighbour Haggise, what says 
 Justice Overdo's worship to the other offenders ? 
 
 Hag. Why, he says just nothing ; what should he 
 say, or where should he say ? He is not to be found, 
 man ; he has not been seen in the Fair here all this 
 livelong day, never since seven o'clock i' the morning. 
 His clerks know not what to think on't. There is no 
 court of pie-poudres yet. Here they be returned. 
 
SCENE IV.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 121 
 
 Enter others of the Watch ivith Busy. 
 
 Bri. What shall be done with them then, in your 
 discretion ? 
 
 Hag. I think we were best put them in the stocks 
 in discretion (there they will be safe in discretion) for 
 the valour of an hour, or such a thing, till his worship 
 come. 
 
 Bri. It is but a hole matter if we do, neighbour 
 Haggise ; come, sir, \to Waspe] here is company for 
 you : heave up the stocks. 
 
 \_As they open the stocks, Waspe puts his shoe on his 
 hand, and slips it in for his leg. 
 
 Waspe. I shall put a trick upon your Welsh dili- 
 gence perhaps. '\_Aside. 
 
 Bri. Put in your leg, sir. [7b Busy. 
 
 Quar. What, Rabbi Busy ! is he come ? 
 
 Busy. I do obey thee ; the lion may roar, but he 
 cannot bite. I am glad to be thus separated from the 
 heathen of the land, and put apart in the stocks, for 
 the holy cause. 
 
 Waspe. What are you, sir? 
 
 Busy. One that rejoiceth in his aflBiction, and sitteth 
 here to prophesy the destruction of fairs and May- 
 games, wakes and Whitsun-ales, and doth sigh and 
 groan for the reformation of these abuses. 
 
 Waspe \_to OvEKDo]. And do you sigh and groan 
 too, or rejoice in your affliction ? 
 
 Over. I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a 
 thing Avithout me. Adam, thou art above these 
 batteries, these contumelies. In te manca riiit forluna, 
 as thy friend Horace says ; thou art one, Quern neque 
 pauperies, neque mors, neque vinctda tcrrent. And 
 therefore, as another friend of thine says, I think it 
 be thy friend Persius, Non te qucesiveris extra. 
 
122 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Quar. What's here ! a stoic in the stocks ? the fool 
 is turned philosopher. 
 
 Busy. Friend, I will leave to communicate my spirit 
 with you, if I hear any more of those superstitious 
 relics, those lists of Latin, the very rags of Rome, and 
 patches of Popery. 
 
 Waspe. Nay, an you begin to quarrel, gentlemen, 
 I'll leave you. I have paid for quarrelling too lately : 
 look you, a device, but shifting in a hand for a foot. 
 God be wi' you. \Slips out his hand. 
 
 Busy. Wilt thou then leave thy brethren in tribu- 
 tion? 
 
 Waspe. For this once, sir. [.SxzV, running. 
 
 Busy..'ll\\OM art a halting neutral: stay him there, 
 stop him, that will not endure the heat of persecution. 
 
 Bri. How now, what's the matter ? 
 
 Busy. He is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it 
 out. 
 
 Bri. What, has he made an escape ! which way ? 
 follow, neighbour Haggise. 
 
 \_Exeimt Haggise and Watch. 
 
 Enter Dame Purecraft. 
 
 Pure. O me, in the stocks ! have the wicked pre- 
 vailed ? 
 
 Busy. Peace, religious sister, it is my calling, comfort 
 yourself ; an extraordinary calling, and done for my 
 better standing, my surer standing, hereafter. 
 
 Enter Troubleall, loith a can. 
 
 Tro. By whose warrant, by whose warrant, this ? 
 Quar. O, here's my man dropt in I looked for. 
 Over. Ha! 
 Pure. O, good sir, they have set the faithful here to 
 
SCENE IV.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 123 
 
 be wondered at ; and provided holes for the holy of the 
 land. 
 
 Tro. Had they warrant for it ? showed they Justice 
 Overdo's hand ? if they had no warrant, they shall 
 answer it. 
 
 Re-enter Haggise. 
 
 Bri. Sure you did not lock the stocks sufficiently, 
 neighbour Toby. 
 
 Hag. No ! see if you can lock them better. 
 
 Bri. They are very sufficiently locked, and truly ; 
 yet something is the matter. 
 
 Tro. True ; your warrant is the matter that is in 
 question ; by what warrant ? 
 
 Bri. Madman, hold your peace, I will put you in 
 his room else, in the very same hole, do you see ? 
 
 Quar. How, is he a madman ! 
 
 Tro. Show me Justice Overdo's warrant, I obey you. 
 
 Hag. You are a mad fool, hold your tongue. 
 
 \_Exeunt Haggise and Bristle. 
 
 Tro. In Justice Overdo's name, I drink to you, and 
 here's my warrant. \_Shows his can. 
 
 Ouer. Alas, poor wretch ! how it yearns my heart 
 for him. ]^Aside. 
 
 Quar. If he be mad, it is in vain to question him. 
 I'll try him though — Friend, there was a gentlewoman 
 showed you two names some hours since, Argalus and 
 Palemon, to mark in a book ; which of them was it 
 you marked. 
 
 Tro. I mark no name but Adam Overdo, that is the 
 name of names, he only is the sufficient magistrate ; 
 and that name I reverence, show it me. 
 
 Quar. This fellow's mad indeed : I am further off 
 now than afore. 
 
124 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act iv. 
 
 Over. I shall not breathe in peace till I have made 
 him some amends. \Aside. 
 
 Qiiar. Well, I will make another use of him is come 
 in my head : I have a nest of beards in my trunk, one 
 something like his. 
 
 Re-enter Bristle and Haggise. 
 
 Brt. This mad fool has made me that I know not 
 whether I have locked the stocks or no : I think I 
 locked them. \Trtes the locks. 
 
 Tro. Take Adam Overdo in your mind, and fear 
 nothing. 
 
 Bri. 'Slid, madness itself! hold thy peace, and take 
 that. \_Strtkes him. 
 
 Tro. Strikest thou without a warrant ? take thou 
 that. 
 
 \_They fight ^ and leave open the stocks in the scuffle. 
 
 Busy. We are delivered by miracle ; fellow in 
 fetters, let us not refuse the means ; this madness was 
 of the spirit : the malice of the enemy hath mocked 
 itself. \Exeunt Busy and Overdo. 
 
 Pure. Mad do they call him ! the world is mad in 
 error, but he is mad in truth : I loved him o' the 
 sudden (the cunning man said all true) and shall love 
 him more and more. How well it becomes a man to 
 be mad in truth ! O that I might be his yoke-fellow, 
 and be mad with him, what a many should we draw 
 to madness in truth with us ! \_Exit. 
 
 Bri. How now, all scaped ! where's the woman ? it 
 is witchcraft ! her velvet hat is a witch, o' my con- 
 science, or my key ! the one. — The madman was a 
 devil, and I am an ass ; so bless me, my place, and 
 mine office ! \_Exit.^ affrighted. 
 
ACT THE FIFTH. 
 
 SCENE I.— The Fair, as before. A Booth. 
 
 Lanthoen Leatherhead, dressed as a puppet show- 
 man, FiLCHER, and Sharkwell with a flag. 
 
 EATH. Well, luck and Saint Bar- 
 tholomew ! out with the sign of 
 our invention, in the name of 
 wit, and do you beat the drum 
 the while : all the foul i' the 
 Fair, I mean all the dirt in 
 Smithfield, — that's one of Master 
 Littlewit's carwhitchets now — will be thrown at our 
 banner to-day, if the matter does not please the 
 people. O, the motions that I, Lanthorn Leatherhead, 
 have given light to, in my time, since my Master Pod 
 died ! Jerusalem was a stately thing, and so was 
 Nineveh, and the City of Norwich, and Sodom and 
 Gomorrah, with the rising of the prentices, and 
 pulling down the bawdy-houses there upon Shrove 
 Tuesday ; but the Gunpowder Plot, there was a get- 
 penny ? I have presented that to an eighteen or 
 twentypence audience, nine times in an afternoon. 
 Your home-born projects prove ever the best, they are 
 so easy and familiar ; they put too much learning in 
 their things now o' days : and that I fear will be the 
 
126 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 spoil of this. Littlewit ! I say, Micklewit ! if not too 
 mickle ! look to your gathering there, goodman 
 Filcher. 
 
 Filch. I warrant you, sir. 
 
 Leath. An there come any gentlefolks, take two- 
 peace apiece, Sharkwell. 
 
 Shark. I warrant you, sir, threepence an we can. 
 
 \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE W.— Another part of the Fair. 
 Enter Overdo, disguised like a Porter. 
 
 Over. This latter disguise, I have borrowed of a 
 porter, shall carry me out to all my great and good 
 ends ; which however interrupted, ivere never de- 
 stroyed in me : neither is the hour of my severity yet 
 come to reveal myself, wherein, cloud-like, I will 
 break out in rain and hail, lightning and thunder, 
 upon the head of enormity. Two main works I have 
 to prosecute : first, one is to invent some satisfaction 
 for the poor kind wretch, who is out of his wits for 
 my sake and yonder I see him coming, I will walk 
 aside and project for it. 
 
 Enter Winwife and Grace. 
 Winw. I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he 
 returns not ; it may be he is struck in here to seek us. 
 Grace. See, here's our madman again. 
 
 Enter Quarlous, in Troubleall's clothes., followed 
 
 by Dame Purecraft. 
 Quar. I have made myself as like him as his gown 
 and cap will give me leave. 
 
SCENE II.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 127 
 
 Pure. Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad 
 with you in truth. 
 
 Winw. How ! My widow in love with a madman ? 
 
 Pure. Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you. 
 
 Quar. By whose warrant ? leave your canting. 
 Gentlewoman, have I found you? [7b Mistress 
 Grace.] Save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye ! Where's 
 your book ? 'twas a sufficient name I marked, let me 
 see't, be not afraid to show't me. 
 
 Grace. What would you with it, sir ? 
 
 Quar. Mark it again and again at your service. 
 
 Grace. Here it is, sir, this was it you marked. 
 
 Quar. Palemon I fare you well, fare you well. 
 
 Winw. How, Palemon ! 
 
 Grace. Yes, faith, he has discovered it to you now, 
 and therefore 'twere vain to disguise it longer ; I am 
 yours, sir, by the benefit of your fortune. 
 
 Winw. And you have him, mistress, believe it, that 
 shall never give you cause to repent her benefit ; but 
 make you rather to think that in this choice she had 
 both her eyes. 
 
 Grace. I desire to put it to no danger of protesta- 
 tion. {^Exeunt Grace and Winwife. 
 
 Quar. Palemon the word, and Winwife the man ! 
 
 Pure. Good sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your 
 madness, shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that 
 would draw with you in truth. 
 
 Quar. Away, you are a herd of hypocritical proud 
 ignorants, rather wild than mad ; fitter for woods, and 
 the society of beasts, than houses, and the congregation 
 of men. You are the second part of the society of 
 canters, outlaws to order and discipline, and the only 
 privileged church-robbers of Christendom. Let me 
 alone : Palemon the word, and Winwife the man ! 
 
128 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Pure. I must uncover myself unto him, or I shall 
 never enjoy him, for all the cunning men's promises. 
 \_Aside.\ Good sir, hear me, I am worth six thousand 
 pound, my love to you is become my rack ; I'll tell 
 you all and the truth, since you hate the hypocrisy of 
 the party-coloured brotherhood. These seven years I 
 have been a wilful holy widow, only to draw feasts 
 and gifts from my entangled suitors : I am also by 
 office an assisting sister of the deacons, and a devourer, 
 instead of a distributor of the alms. I am a special 
 maker of marriages for our decayed brethren with our 
 rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when 
 they are married, for the relief of the poor elect : as 
 also our poor handsome young virgins, with our 
 wealthy bachelors or widowers ; to make them steal 
 from their husbands, when I have confirmed them in 
 the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if 
 I have not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scold- 
 ing drab into a silent minister, than make me leave 
 pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. 
 Our elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I 
 know him to be the capital knave of the land, making 
 himself rich by being made a feoffe in trust to de- 
 ceased brethren, and cozening their heirs by swearing 
 the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus 
 having eased my conscience, and uttered my heart 
 with the tongue of my love ; enjoy all my deceits 
 together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed 
 this to you, but that in time I think you are mad, and 
 I hope you'll think me so too, sir ? 
 
 Qiiar. Stand aside, I'll answer you presently. \He 
 walks hy.'l Why should I not marry this six thousand 
 pound, now I think on't, and a good trade too that 
 she has beside, ha ? The t'other wench Winwife is 
 
SCENE II.] BARTHOLOMEW FA TR. 129 
 
 sure of ; there's no expectation for me there. Here I 
 may make myself some saver yet, if she continue mad, 
 there's the question. It is money that I want, why 
 should not I marry the money when 'tis offered me ? 
 I have a licence and all, it is but razing out one name, 
 and putting in another. There's no playing with a 
 man's fortune ! I am resolved : I were truly mad an 
 I would not ! — Well, come your ways, follow* me, an 
 you will be mad, I'll show you a warrant. 
 
 \_Takes her along with him. 
 
 Pure. Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire. 
 
 Over, {stopping him.'] Sir, let me speak with you. 
 
 Quar. By whose warrant ? 
 
 Over. The warrant that you tender, and respect so ; 
 Justice Overdo's. I am the man, friend Troubleall, 
 though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) 
 for the good of the republic in the Fair, and the weed- 
 ing out of enormity. Do you want a house, or meat, 
 or drink, or clothes ? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be 
 supplied you ; what want you ? 
 
 Quar. Nothing but your warrant. 
 
 Over. My warrant ! for what ? 
 
 Quar. To be gone, sir. 
 
 , Over. Nay, I pray thee stay ; I am serious, and have 
 not many words, nor much time to exchange with 
 thee. Think what may do thee good. 
 
 Quar. Your hand and seal will do me a great deal 
 of good ; nothing else in the whole Fair that I know. 
 
 Over. If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it 
 willingly. 
 
 Quar. Why, it will satisfy me, that's end enough 
 to look on ; an you will not give it me, let me 
 
 go- 
 
 Over. Alas, thou shalt have it presently ; I'll but 
 Jon. II. K 
 
I30 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 step into the scrivener's here by, and bring it. Do 
 not go away. \Exit. 
 
 Quar. Why, this madman's shape will prove a very 
 fortunate one, I think. Can a ragged robe produce 
 these effects ? if this be the wise justice, and he bring 
 me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on't. 
 
 Re-enter Overdo. 
 
 He is come already! 
 
 Over. Look thee ! here is my hand and seal, Adam 
 Overdo ; if there be anything to be written above in 
 that paper that thou wantest now, or at any time 
 hereafter, think on't, it is my deed, I deliver it so ; 
 can your friend write ? 
 
 Quar. Her hand for a witness, and all is well. 
 
 Over. With all my heart. \^He urges her to sign it. 
 
 Quar. Why should not I have the conscience to 
 make this a bond of a thousand pound now, or what I 
 would else ? \^Aside. 
 
 Over. Look you, there it is, and I deliver it as my 
 deed again. 
 
 Quar. Let us now proceed in madness. 
 
 \_Exeunt Quarlous and Dame Purecraft. 
 
 Over. Well, my conscience is much eased ; I have 
 done my part, though it doth him no good, yet Adam 
 hath offered satisfaction. The sting is removed from 
 hence ! Poor man, he is much altered with his 
 affliction, it has brought him low. Now for my other 
 work, reducing the young man, I have followed so 
 long in love, from the brink of his bane to the centre 
 of safety. Here, or in some such like vain place, I 
 shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time. 
 
 IMxit. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 131 
 
 SCENE 111.— Another part of the Fair. 
 
 The Puppet-show Booth, as before. 
 
 Enter Sharkwell and Filcher, with hills and Cokes 
 in his doublet and hose, followed by the Boys of 
 the Fair. 
 
 Cokes. How now ! what's here to do, friend ? art 
 thou the master of the monuments ? 
 
 Shar. 'Tis a motion, an't please your worship. 
 
 Enter Overdo behind. 
 
 Over. My fantastical brother-in-law, Master Bar- 
 tholomew Cokes ! 
 
 Cokes. A motion ! what's that ? [^Reads.'] " The 
 ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, other- 
 wise called the Touchstone of true Love, with as true 
 a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two 
 faithful friends o' the Bankside." — Pretty, i' faith, 
 what's the meaning on't ? is't an interlude, or what 
 is't? 
 
 Filch. Yes, sir, please you come near, we'll take 
 your money within. 
 
 Cokes. Back with these children ; they do so follow 
 me up and down ! 
 
 Enter Littlewit. 
 
 Lit. By your leave, friend. 
 
 Filch. You must pay, sir, an you go in. 
 
 Lit. Who, I ! I perceive thou knoAv'st not me ; 
 call the master of the motion. 
 
 Shark. What, do you not know the author, fellow 
 Filcher ? You must take no money of him ; he must 
 ;Come in gratis : Master Littlewit is a voluntary ; he is 
 the author. 
 
132 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Lit. Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have 
 any notice taken that I am the author, till we see how 
 it passes. 
 
 Cokes. Master Littlewit, how dost thou ? 
 
 Lt't. Master Cokes ! you are exceeding well met : 
 what, in your doublet and hose, without a cloak or a 
 hat? 
 
 Cokes. I would I might never stir, as I am an 
 honest man, and by that fire ; I have lost all in the 
 Fair, and all my acquaintance too : didst thou meet 
 anybody that I know, Master Littlewit? my man 
 Numps, or my sister Overdo, or Mistress Grace? 
 Pray thee. Master Littlewit, lend me some money to 
 see the interlude, here ; I'll pay thee again, as I am a 
 gentleman. If thou'lt but carry me home, I have 
 money enough there. 
 
 Lit. O, sir, you shall command it ; what, will a 
 crown serve you ? 
 
 Cokes. I think it will ; what do we pay for coming 
 in, fellows ? 
 
 Filch. Twopence, sir. 
 
 Cokes. Twopence ! there's twelvepence, friend ; nay, 
 I am a gallant, as simple as I look now ; if you see me 
 with my man about me, and my artillery again. 
 
 Lit. Your man was in the stocks e'en now, sir. 
 
 Cokes. Who, Numps ? 
 
 Lit. Yes, faith. 
 
 Cokes. For what, i' faith ? I am glad o' that ; re- 
 member to tell me on't anon ; I have enough now. 
 What manner of matter is this. Master Littlewit? 
 what kind of actors have you ? are they good 
 actors ? 
 
 Lit. Pretty youths, sir, all children both old and 
 young ; here's the master of 'em 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 133 
 
 Enter Leatherhead. 
 
 Leath. [aside to Littlewit.]] Call me not Leather- 
 head, but Lantern. 
 
 Ltt. Master Lantern, that gives light to the busi- 
 ness. 
 
 Cokes. In good time, sir ! I would fain see them, I 
 would be glad to drink with the young company ; 
 which is the tiring-house ? 
 
 Leath. Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat 
 little ; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us ; you 
 cannot go upright in't. 
 
 Cokes. No ! not now my hat is off ? what would you 
 have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, 
 as I was once to-day ? Have you none of your pretty 
 impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch 
 ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses ? 
 Let me see some of your actors. 
 
 Lit. Show him them, show him them. Mast«r 
 Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the 
 quality. \_Extt Leatherhead. 
 
 Over. Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is 
 the consumption of many a young gentleman ; a per- 
 nicious enormity. [Aside. 
 
 Re-enter Leatherhead ivitli a basket. 
 
 Cokes. What ! do they live in baskets ? 
 Leath. They do lie in a basket, sir, they are o' the 
 small players. 
 
 Cokes. These be players minors indeed. Do you 
 I call these players ? 
 
 I Leath. They are actors, sir, and as good as any, 
 none dispraised, for dumb shows : indeed, I am the 
 I mouth of them all. 
 
 Cokes, Thy mouth will Itold them all. I think one 
 
134 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [ACT v, 
 
 tailor would go near to beat all this company with a 
 hand bound behind him. 
 
 Lit. Ay, and eat them all too, an they were in cake- 
 bread. 
 
 Cokes. I thank you for that, Master Littlewit ; a 
 good jest ! Which is your Burbage now ? 
 
 Leath. What mean you by that, sir ? 
 
 Cokes: Your best actor, your Field ? 
 
 Lit. Good, i' faith ! you are even with me, sir. 
 
 Leath. This is he, that acts young Leander, sir : he 
 is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so 
 affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here ! 
 and this is lovely Hero ; this with the beard Damon ; 
 and this pretty Pythias : this is the ghost of king 
 Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener ; as you shall see 
 anon at large. 
 
 Cokes. Well, they are a civil company, I like 'em 
 for that ; they oifer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break 
 jests, as the great players do : and then, there goes 
 not so much charge to the feasting of them, or making 
 them drunk, as to the other, by reason of their little- 
 ness. Do they use to play perfect, are they never 
 flustered ? 
 
 Leath. No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for 
 it ; they are as well governed a company, though I 
 
 say it And here is young Leander, is as proper 
 
 an actor of his inches, and shakes his head like an 
 hostler. 
 
 Cokes. But do you play it according to the printed 
 book ? I have read that. 
 
 Leath. By no means, sir. 
 
 Cokes. No ! how then ? 
 
 Leath. A better way, sir ; that is too learned and 
 poetical for our audience : what do they know what 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 135 
 
 Hellespont is, guilty of true love's blood f or what 
 Abydos is ? or the other, Sestos hight ? 
 
 Cokes. Thou art in the right ; I do not know myself. 
 
 Leath. No, I have entreated Master Littlewit to 
 take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain 
 for our people. 
 
 Cokes. How, I pray thee, good Master Littlewit ? 
 
 Lit. It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir ; but 
 there is no such matter, I assure you : I have only 
 made it a little easy, and modern for the times, sir, 
 that's all. As for the Hellespont, I imagine our 
 Thames here ; and theii Leander I make a dyer's son 
 about Puddle-wharf : and Hero a wench o' the Bank- 
 side, who going over one morning to Old Fish-street, 
 Leander spies her land at Trig-stairs, and falls in love 
 with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having meta- 
 morphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero 
 in love with a pint of sherry ; and other pretty 
 passages there are of the friendship, that will delight 
 you, sir, and please you of judgment. 
 
 Cokes. I'll be sworn they shall : I am in love with 
 the actors already, and I'll be allied to them presently. 
 — They respect gentlemen, these fellows : — Hero shall 
 by my fairing : but which of my fairings ? — let me 
 see — i' faith, my fiddle ; and Leander my fiddlestick : 
 then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the 
 ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted. 
 
 Enter Winwife and Grace. 
 
 Winw. Look, yonder's your Cokes gotten in among 
 his playfellows ; I thought we could not miss him at 
 such a spectacle. 
 
 Grace. Let him alone, he is so busy he will never 
 spy us. 
 
136 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. ' [act v. 
 
 Leath. Nay, good sir ! 
 
 [7b Cokes, who is handling the puppets. 
 
 Cokes. I warrant thee I will not hurt her, fellow ; 
 what, dost thou think me uncivil ? I pray thee be 
 not jealous ; I am toward a wife. 
 
 Lit. Well, good Master Lantern, make ready to 
 begin, that I may fetch my wife ; and look you be 
 perfect, you undo me else, in my reputation. 
 
 Leath. I warrant you, sir, do not you breed too 
 great an expectation of it among your friends ; that's 
 the hurter of these things. 
 
 Lit. No, no, no. \^Exit. 
 
 Cokes. I'll stay here and see ; pray thee let me see. 
 
 Winw. How diligent and troublesome he is ! 
 
 Grace. The place becomes him, methinks. 
 
 Over. My ward, Mistress Grace, in the company of 
 a stranger ! I doubt I shall be compelled to discover 
 myself before my time. \_Aside. 
 
 Enter Knockem, Edgworth, and Mrs. Littlewit, 
 followed by Whit supporting Mrs. Ov^erdo, 
 masked. 
 
 Filch. Twopence a-piece, gentlemen, an excellent 
 motion. 
 
 Knock. Shall we have fine fireworks and good 
 vapours ? 
 
 Shark. Yes, captain, and waterworks too. 
 
 Whit. I pree dee take care o' dy shmall lady there, 
 Edgworth ; I will look to dish tall lady myself. 
 
 Leath. Welcome, gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen. 
 
 Whit. Predee mashter o' the monshtersh, help a 
 very sick lady here to a chair to shit in. 
 
 Leath. Presently, sir. 
 
 \_A chair is brought in for Mrs. Overdo. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 137 
 
 Whit. Good fait now, Ursula's ale and aquavitse ish 
 to blame for't : shit down, shweetheait, shit down and 
 sleep a little. 
 
 Edg. [to Mrs. LiTTLEWiT.J Madam, you are very 
 welcome hither. 
 
 Knock. Yes, and you shall see very good vapours. 
 
 Over. Here is my care come ! I like to see him in 
 so good company : and yet I wonder that persons of 
 such fashionr should resort hither. \_Asidc. 
 
 Edg. There is a very private house, madam. 
 
 Leath. Will it please your ladyship sit, madam ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, good man. They do so all-to-be- 
 madam me, I think they think me a very lady. 
 
 Edg. What else, madam ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Must I put off my mask to him ? 
 
 Edg. O, by no means. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. How should my husband know me then ? 
 
 Knock. Husband ! an idle vapour ; he must not 
 know you, nor you him : there's the true vapour. 
 
 Over. Yea ! I will observe more of this. [Aside. 
 Is this a lady, friend ? 
 
 Wliit. Ay, and dat is anoder lady, shweetheart ; if 
 thou hasht a mind to 'em, give me twelvepence from 
 tee, and dou shalt have eder oder on 'em. 
 
 Over. Ay ! this will prove my chiefest enormity : I 
 will follow this. [Aside. 
 
 Edg. Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogged 
 with a husband ? 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Yes, a great deal. When Avill they begin, 
 trow, in the name o' the motion ? 
 
 Edg. By-and-by, madam ; they stay but for 
 company. 
 
 Knock. Do you hear, puppet-master, these are 
 tedious vapours, when begin you ? 
 
138 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Leath. We stay but for Master Littlewit, the 
 author, who is gone for his wife ; and we begin 
 presently. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. That's I, that's I. 
 
 Edg. That was you, lady ; but now you are no s-uch 
 poor thing. 
 
 Knock. Hang the author's wife, a running vapour ! 
 here be ladies will stay for ne'er a Deha of them all. 
 
 Whit. But hear me now, here ish one- o' de ladish 
 ashleep, stay till shee but vake, man. 
 
 Enter Waspe. 
 
 Waspe. How now, friends ! what's here to do ? 
 
 Filch. Twopence a-piece, sir, the best motion in the 
 Fair. 
 
 Waspe. I believe you lie ; if you do, I'll have my 
 money again, and beat you. 
 
 Mrs. Lit. Numps is come ! 
 
 Waspe. Did you see a master of mine come in here, 
 a tall young squire of Harrow-o'-the-Hill, Master 
 Bartholomew Cokes ? 
 
 Filch. I think there be such a one within. 
 
 Waspe. Look he be, you were best : but it is very 
 likely : I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I 
 have been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the 
 Bull with the Five Legs and Two Fizzles — he was a 
 calf at Uxbridge Fair two years agone — and at the 
 Dogs that dance the morrice, and the Hare of the 
 Tabor ; and mist him at all these ! Sure this must 
 needs be some fine sight that holds him so, if it have 
 him. 
 
 Cokes. Come, come, are you ready now ? 
 
 Leath. Presently, sir. 
 
 Waspe. Hoyday, he's at work in his doublet and 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 139 
 
 hose ! Do you hear, sir, are you employed, that you 
 are bareheaded and so busy ? 
 
 Cokes. Hold your peace, Numps ; you have been 
 in the stocks, I hear. 
 
 Waspe. Does he know that ! nay, then the date of 
 my authority is out ; I must think no longer to reign, 
 my government is at an end. He that will correct 
 another must want fault in himself. 
 
 Wt'nw. Sententious Numps ! I never heard so much 
 from him before. 
 
 Leath. Sure Master Littlewit will not come ; please 
 you take your place, sir ; we'll begin. 
 
 Cokes. I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it, 
 and mine eyes too. O Numps, in the stocks, Numps ! 
 Where's your sword, Numps ! 
 
 Waspe. I pray you intend your game, sir ; let me 
 alone. 
 
 Cokes. Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit 
 down, Numps ; I'll interpret to thee : did you see 
 Mistress Grace ? It's no matter neither now I think 
 on't, tell me anon. 
 
 Winio. A great deal of love and care he expresses. 
 
 Grace. Alas, would you have him to express more 
 than he has ? That were tyranny. 
 
 Cokes. Peace, ho ! now, now. 
 
 Leath. " Gentles, that no longer your expectations 
 may wander. 
 Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander. 
 With a great deal of cloth, lapped about him like a 
 
 scarf. 
 For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf ; 
 Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our 
 Abydus, 
 
I40 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 As the Bankside is our Sestos ; and let it not be 
 
 denied us. 
 Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller, 
 Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler ; 
 And seeing Leander's naked leg and goodly calf, 
 Cast at him from the boat a sheep's eye and an half 
 Now she is landed, and the sculler come back, 
 By-and-by you shall see what Leander doth lack. 
 
 Lean. Cole, Cole, old Cole ! 
 
 Leath. That is the sculler's name without control. 
 
 Lean. Cole, Cole, I say. Cole ! 
 
 Leath. We do hear you. 
 
 Lean. Old Cole ! 
 
 Leath. Old Cole ! Is the dyer turned collier ? 
 How do you sell ? 
 
 Lean. A pox o' your manners, kiss my hole here, 
 and smell. 
 
 Leath. Kiss your hole and smell ! there's manners 
 indeed. 
 
 Lean. Why, Cole, I say. Cole ! 
 
 Leath. Is't the sculler you need ? 
 
 Lean. Ay, and be hanged. 
 
 Leath. Be hanged ! look you yonder. 
 Old Cole, you must go hang with Master Leander. 
 
 Cole. Where is he ? 
 
 Lean. Here, Cole : what fairest of fairs, 
 Was that fare that thou landest but now at Trig- 
 stairs ! " 
 
 Cokes. What was that, fellow ? pray thee tell me, 
 I scarce understand them. 
 
 Leath. " Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs, 
 Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs ? 
 Cole. It is lovely Hero. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOI.OME1V FAIR. 141 
 
 Lean. Nero ? 
 Cole. No, Hero. 
 Leath. It is Hero 
 Of the Bankside, he saith, to tell you truth without 
 
 erring, 
 Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh 
 
 herring. 
 Leander says no more, but as fast as he can, 
 Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the 
 Swan." 
 
 Cokes. Most admirable good, is't not ? 
 
 Leath. " Stay, sculler. 
 Cole. What say you ? 
 Leath. You must stay for Leander, 
 And carry him to the wench. 
 
 Cole. You rogue, I am no pander." 
 
 Cokes. He says he is no pander. 'Tis a fine 
 language ; I understand it now. 
 
 Leath. " Are you no pander, goodman Cole ? here's 
 no man says you are ; 
 You'll grow a hot cole, it seems ; pray you stay for 
 your fare. 
 Cole. Will he come away ? 
 Leath. What do you say ? 
 Cole. I'd have him come away. 
 Leath. Would you have Leander come away ? why, 
 pray, sir, stay. 
 You are angry, goodman Cole ; I believe the fair 
 
 maid 
 Came over with you a' trust : tell us, sculler, are you 
 paid ? 
 Cole. Yes, goodman Hogrubber of Pickthatch. 
 
142 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Leath. How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. 
 Cole. Ay, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. Take you 
 that. \_Strikes him over the pate. 
 
 Leath. O, my head. 
 Cole. Harm watch, harm catch." 
 
 Cokes. Harm watch, harm catch, he says ; very 
 good, i' faith : the sculler had like to have knocked 
 you, sirrah. ■ 
 
 Leath. Yes, but that his fare called him away. 
 
 Lean. " Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, 
 
 row. 
 Leath. You are knavishly loaden, sculler, take heed 
 
 where you go. 
 Cole. Knave in your face, goodman rogue. 
 Lean. Row, row, row, row, row." 
 
 Cokes. He said, knave in your face, friend. 
 
 Leath. Ay, sir, I heard him ; but there's no talking 
 to these watermen, they will have the last word. 
 
 Cokes. Od's my life ! I am not allied to the sculler 
 yet ; he shall be Dauphin my hoy. But my fiddlestick 
 does fiddle in and out too much : I pray thee speak to 
 him on't ; tell him I would have him tarry in my 
 sight more. 
 
 Leath. I pray you be content ; you'll have enough 
 on him, sir. 
 
 " Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so 
 
 stupid. 
 But that you have heard of a little god of love called 
 
 Cupid ; 
 Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw 
 
 her, 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 143 
 
 This present day and hour doth turn himself to a 
 
 drawer. 
 And because he would have their first meeting to be 
 
 merry, 
 He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry ; 
 Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her, 
 Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture. 
 [Leander goes into Mistress Hero's room. 
 Jonas. A pint of sack, score a pint of sack in the 
 Coney." 
 
 Cokes. Sack ! you said but e'en now it should be 
 sherry. 
 
 Jonas. " Why, so it is ; sherry, sherry, sherry ! " 
 
 Cokes. Sherry, sherry, sherry ! By my troth, he 
 makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid too. 
 Let me see, thou might'st help me now, an thou 
 wouldst, Numps, at a dead lift ; but thou art dreaming 
 of the stocks still. — Do not think on't, I have forgot 
 it ; 'tis but a nine days' wonder, man ; let it not 
 trouble thee. 
 
 Waspe. I would the stocks were about your neck, 
 sir ; condition I hung by the heels in them till the 
 wonder wore oif from you, with all my heart. 
 
 Cokes. Well said, resolute Numps!' but hark you, 
 friend, where's the friendship all this while between 
 my drum Damon and my pipe Pythias ? 
 
 Leath. You shall see by-and-by, sir. 
 
 Cokes. You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too ; 
 no, I'll see them all enact before I go ; I shall not 
 know which to love best else. 
 
 Knock. This gallant has interrupting vapours, 
 troublesome vapours ; Whit, puff with him. 
 
H4 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Whit. No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone ; he is 
 a child, i' faith, la. 
 
 Leath. " Now, gentles, to the friends, who in num- 
 ber are two, 
 And lodged in that alehouse in which fair Hero does 
 
 do. 
 Damon, for some kindness done him the last week. 
 Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to 
 
 seek : 
 Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting, 
 And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting. 
 Pythias. You whore-masterly slave, you." 
 
 Cokes. Whore-masterly slave, you ! very friendly 
 and familiar that. 
 
 Damon. " Whore-master in thy face. 
 Thou hast lain with her thyself, I'll prove it in this 
 place." 
 
 Cokes. Damon says Pythias has lain with her him- 
 self, he'll prove 't in this place. 
 
 Leath. "They are whore-masters both, sir, that's a 
 
 plain case. 
 Pythias. You lie like a rogue. 
 Leath. Do I lie like a rogue ? 
 Pythias. A pimp and a scab. 
 Leath. A pimp and a scab ! 
 I say, between you, you have both but one drab. 
 Damon. You lie again. 
 Leath. Do I lie again ? 
 Damon. Like a rogue again. ^ 
 Leath. Like a rogue again ! 
 Pythias. And you are a pimp again." 
 
SCENE Iii.J BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 145 
 
 Cokes. And you are a pimp again, he says. 
 Damon. " And a scab again." 
 Cokes. And a scab again, he says. 
 
 Leath. " And I say again, you are both whore- 
 masters again. 
 And you have both but one drab again. 
 
 Damon and Pythias. Dost thou, dost thou, dost 
 thou ? \They fall upon him. 
 
 Leath. What, both at once ? 
 
 Pythias. Down with him, Dambn. 
 
 Damon. Pink his guts, Pythias.-, 
 
 Leath. What, so maUcious ? 
 Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house ? " 
 
 Cokes. Ho ! well acted, my drum. Well acted, my 
 pipe, well acted still ! 
 
 Waspe. Well acted, with all my heart. 
 
 Leath. " Hold, hold your hands." 
 
 \ 
 
 Cokes. Ay, both your hands, for my sake ! for you 
 have both done well. 
 
 Damon. " Gramercy, pure Pythias. 
 Pythias. Gramercy, dear Damon." 
 
 Cokes. Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my 
 drum. 
 
 Pythias and Damon. " Come, now we'll together to 
 
 breakfast to Hero. 
 Leath. 'Tis well you can now go to breakfast to 
 Hero. 
 You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and 
 honero." 
 
 Cokes. How is't, friend, have they hurt thee ? 
 
 Jon. II. L 
 
146 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Leath. O no : 
 Between you and I, sir, we do but make show. — 
 " Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial, 
 'Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship's true 
 
 trial. 
 Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with 
 
 other. 
 They fight you no more than does brother with 
 
 brother ; 
 But friendly together, at the next man they meet, 
 They let fly their anger, as here you might see't." 
 
 Cokes. Well, we have seen it, and thou hast felt it, 
 whatsoever thou sayest. What's next, what's next .' 
 
 Leath. " This while young Leander with fair Hero 
 is drinking, 
 And Hero grown drunk to any man's thinking ! 
 Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her, 
 Till Cupid, distinguished like Jonas the drawer, 
 From under his apron, where his lechery lurks. 
 Put love in her sack.' Now mark how it works. 
 
 Hero. O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear 
 Leander, 
 I'll for ever be thy goose, so thou'lt be my gander." 
 
 Cokes. Excellently well said. Fiddle, she'll ever be 
 his goose, so he'll be her gainder : was't not so ? 
 Leath. Yes, sir, but mark his answer now. 
 
 Lean. '' And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed, 
 I'll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread." 
 
 Cokes. Brave ! he will swim over the Thames, and 
 tread his goose to-night, he says. 
 
 Leath. Ay, peace, sir, they'll be angry if they hear 
 you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 147 
 
 Lean. " But lest the Thames should be dark, my 
 goose, my dear friend, 
 Let thy window be provided of a candle's end. 
 
 Hero. Fear not, my gander, I protest I should 
 handle 
 My matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle. 
 Lean. Well then, look to't, and kiss me to boot. 
 Leath. Now here come the friends again, Pythias 
 and Damon, 
 And under their cloaks they have of bacon a gam- 
 mon. 
 Pythias. Drawer, fill some wine here." 
 
 Leath. How, some wine there ! 
 There's company already, sir, pray forbear. 
 
 Damon. " 'Tis Hero. 
 Leath. Yes, but she will not to be taken, 
 After sack and fresh-herring, with your Dunmow- 
 bacon. 
 Pythias. You lie, it's Westfabian. 
 Leath. Westphalian, you should say. 
 Damon. If you hold not your peace, you are a cox- 
 comb, I would say. [Leander and Hero ktss. 
 What's here, what's here ? kiss, kiss, upon kiss. 
 Leath. Ay, wherefore should they not ? what harm 
 is in this ? 
 'Tis Mistress Hero. 
 Damon. Mistress Hero's a whore. 
 Leath. Is she a whore ? keep you quiet, or, sir 
 
 knave, out of door. 
 Danton. Knave out of door ! 
 Hero. Yes, knave out of door. 
 Damon. Whore out of door. 
 
 {They fall together by the ears. 
 
148 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Hero. I say, knave out of door. 
 
 Damon. I say, whore out of door. 
 
 Pythias. Yea, so say I too. 
 
 Hero. Kiss the whore o' the a — . 
 
 Leath. Now you have something to do. 
 You must kiss her o' the a — , she says. 
 
 Damon and Pythias. So we will, so we will. 
 
 [ They kick her. 
 
 Hero . O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold. 
 
 Leath. Stand'st thou still ! 
 Leander, where art thou ? stand'st thou still like a sot. 
 And not offerest to break both their heads with a 
 
 pot ? 
 See who's at thine elbow there ! puppet Jonas and 
 Cupid. 
 
 Jonas. Upon 'em, Leander, be not so stupid. 
 
 Leati. You goat-bearded slave ! 
 
 Damon. You whore-master knave 1 \_They fight 
 
 Lean. Thou art a whore-master. 
 
 Jonas. Whore-masters all. 
 
 Leath. See, Cupid with a word has tane up the 
 brawl." 
 
 Knock. These be fine vapours. 
 
 Cokes. By this good day, they fight bravely ; do 
 they not, Numps ? 
 
 Waspe. Yes, they lacked but you to be their second , 
 all this while. 
 
 Leath. " This tragical encounter falling out thus to 
 busy us. 
 It raises up the ghost of their friend Dibnysius ; 
 Not like a monarch, but the master of a school, 
 In a scrivener's furred gown, which shows he is no 
 fool : 
 
SCENE HI.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 149 
 
 For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself 
 
 warm. 
 O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harm 
 Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave. 
 That after his death you should fall out thus and 
 
 rave. 
 And call amorous Leander whore-master knave ? 
 Damon. I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure 
 it." 
 
 Rabbi Busy rushes in. 
 
 Busy. Down with Dagon ! down with Dagon ! 'tis 
 I, I will no longer endure your profanations. 
 
 Leatli. What mean you, sir ? 
 
 Busy. I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, 
 that heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a 
 beam, a very beam, — not a beam of the sun, nor a 
 beam of the moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a 
 house-beam, nor a weaver's beam, but a beam in the 
 eye, in the eye of the brethren ; a very great beam, 
 an exceedingly 'great beam ; such as are your stage- 
 players, rimers, and morrice-dancers, who have walked 
 hand in hand, in contempt of the brethren, and the 
 cause ; and been borne out by instruments of no mean 
 countenance. 
 
 Leath. Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed 
 by authority. 
 
 Busy. Thou art all licence, even licentiousness 
 itself, Shimei ! 
 
 Leath. I have the Master of the Revels' hand for't, 
 sir. 
 
 Busy. The master of the rebel's hand thou hast, 
 Satan's ! hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy 
 mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for 
 it thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my 
 
ISO BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v, 
 
 mouth wide, and gaped. I have gaped as the oyster 
 for the tide, after thy destruction : but cannot com- 
 pass it by suit or dispute ; so that I look for a bickering 
 ere long, and then a battle. 
 
 Knock. Good Banbury vapours ! 
 
 Cokes. Friend, you'd have an ill match on't, if you 
 bicker with him here ; though he be no man of the fist, 
 he has friends that will to cuffs for him. Numps, will 
 not you take our side ? 
 
 Edg. Sir, it shall not need ; in my mind he oifers 
 him a fairer course, to end it by disputation : hast 
 thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy 
 quality ? 
 
 Leath. Faith, sir, I am not well-studied in these 
 controversies between the hypocrites and us. But 
 here's one of my motion, puppet Dionysius, shall 
 undertake him, and I'll venture the cause on't. 
 
 Cokes. Who, my hobby-horse ! will he dispute with 
 him ? 
 
 Leath. Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I 
 hope. 
 
 Cokes. That's excellent ! indeed he looks like the 
 best scholar of them all. Come, sir, you must be as 
 good as your word now. 
 
 Busy. I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts 
 known : assist me, zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make 
 me full ! 
 
 Wmw. What a desperate, profane wretch is this ! 
 is there any ignorance or impudence like his, to call 
 his zeal to fill him against a puppet ? 
 
 Qtiar. I know no fitter match than a puppet to 
 commit with an hypocrite ! 
 
 Busy. First, I say unto thee, idol, -thou hast no 
 calling. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 151 
 
 Dion. " You lie, I am called Dionysius." 
 
 Leath. The motion says, you lie, he is called Diony- 
 sius in the matter, and to that calling he answers. 
 
 Busy. I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful 
 calling. 
 
 Dion. " Is yours a lawful calling ? " 
 
 Leath. The motion asketh, if yours be a lawful 
 calling. 
 Busy. Yes, mine is of the spirit. 
 
 Dion. " Then idol is a lawful calling." 
 
 Leath. He says, then idol is a lawful calling ; for 
 you called him idol, arid your calling is of the spirit. 
 
 Cokes. Well disputed, hobby-horse. 
 
 Busy. Take not part with the wicked, young 
 gallant : he neigheth and hinnieth ; all is but hinny- 
 ing sophistry. I call him idol again ; yet, I say, his 
 calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol. 
 
 Dion. " It is not profane." 
 
 Leath. It is not profane, he says. 
 Busy. It is profane. 
 
 Dion. " It is not profane." 
 
 Busy. It is profane. 
 
 Dion. " It is not profane." 
 
 Leath, Well said, confute him with Not still. You 
 cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir. 
 
 Busy. Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though 
 he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan ; I am zeal- 
 ous for the cause 
 
 Leath. As a dog for a bone. 
 
J 52 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v. 
 
 Busy. And I say it is profane, as being the page of 
 Pride, and the waiting-woman of Vanity. 
 
 Dion. " Yea ! what say you to your tire-womeii 
 then ? " 
 
 Leath. Good. 
 
 Dion. '' Or feather-makers in the Friers, that are of 
 your faction of faith ? are not they, with their perukes, 
 and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much 
 pages of Pride, and waiters upon Vanity ? What say 
 you, what say you, what say you ? " 
 
 Busy. I will not answer for them. 
 
 Dion, " Because you cannot, because you cannot. 
 Is a bugle-maker a lawful calling ? or the confect- 
 makers ? such you have there ; or your French 
 fashioner ? you would have all the sin within your- 
 selves, would you not, would you not ? " 
 
 Busy. No, Dagon. 
 
 Dion. " What then, Dagonet ? is a puppet worse 
 than these ? " 
 
 Busy. Yes, and my main argument against you is, 
 that you are an abomination ; for the male among you 
 putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female 
 of the male.- 
 
 Dion. " You lie, you lie, you lie abominably." 
 
 Cokes. Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie 
 thrice. 
 
 Dion. "It is your old stale argument against the 
 players, but it will not hold against the puppets ; for 
 we have neither male por female amongst us. And 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 153 
 
 that thou mayst see, if thou wilt; like a malicious pur- 
 blind zeal as thou art ! " \_Takcs tip his garment. 
 
 Edg. By my faith, there he has answered you, 
 friend, a plain demonstration. 
 
 Dion. " Nay, I'll prove, against e'er a Rabbin of 
 them all, that my standing is as lawful as his ; that I 
 speak by inspiration, as well as he ; that I have as 
 little to do with learning as he ; and do scorn her helps 
 as much as he." 
 
 Busy. I am confuted, the cause hath failed me. 
 
 Dion. "Then be converted, be converted." 
 
 Leath. Be converted, I pray you, and let the play 
 go on ! 
 
 Busy. Let it go on ; for I am changed, and will 
 become a beholder with you. 
 
 Cokes. That's brave, i' faith, thou hast carried it 
 away, hobby-horse ; on with the play. 
 
 Ovej'. [^discovering himself^ Stay, now do I forbid ; 
 I am Adam Overdo ! sit still, I charge you. 
 
 Cokes. What, my brother-in-law ! 
 
 Grace. My wise guardian ! 
 
 Edg. Justice Overdo ! 
 
 Over. It is time to take enormity by the forehead, 
 and brand it ; for I have discovered enough. 
 
 Enter Ouaklous in Tr'oubleall's clothes, as before.^ 
 and Dame Purecraft. 
 
 Qitar. Nay, come, mistress bride ; you must do as 
 I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I 
 have here Justice Overdo for it. 
 
 Over. Peace, good Troubleall ; come hither, and 
 •you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you. 
 
154 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [act v, 
 
 and your friend too ; you also, young man [fo Edg- 
 worth] shall be my care ; stand there. 
 
 Edg. Now, mercy upon 'me. 
 
 Knock. Would we were away, Whit, these are 
 dangerous vapours, best fall off with our birds for fear 
 o' the cage. [ They attempt to steal away. 
 
 Over. Stay, is not my name your terror ? 
 
 Whtt. Yesh, fait, man, and it ish for tat we would 
 begone, man. 
 
 Enter Littlewit. 
 
 Lit. O, gentlemen ! did you not see a wife of mine? 
 I have lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted ; my 
 little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman's 
 house in trust yonder, the pig-woman's, with Captain 
 Jordan and Captain Whit, very good men, and I can- 
 not hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she's stepped aside. 
 Mother, did you not see Win ? 
 
 Over. If this grave matron be your mother, sir, 
 stand by her, et digito compesce lahellum ; I may 
 perhaps spring a wife for you anon. Brother Bartho- 
 lomew, I am sadly sorry to see you so lightly given, 
 and such a discipline of enormity with your grave 
 governor Humphrey ; but stand you both there, in the 
 middle place ; I will reprehend you in your course. 
 Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of 
 the stranger. 
 
 Wi'nw. Pardon me, sir, I am a kinsman of hers. 
 
 Over. Are you so ! of what name, sir ? 
 
 Wi'nw. Winwife, sir. 
 
 Over. Master Winwife ! I hope you have won no 
 wife of her, sir ; if you have, I will examine the possi- 
 bility of it at fit leisure. Now to my enormities : look 
 "upon me, O London ! and see me, O Smithfield ! the 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 155 
 
 example of justice, and Mirror of Magistrates ; the true 
 top of formality and scourge of enormity. Hearken 
 unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries ; 
 and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar'st, of old ; 
 or Columbus, Magellan, or our countryman Drake, of 
 later times. Stand forth, you weeds of enormity, and 
 spread. First Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypo- 
 crite ; — \to Leatherhead.] Next thou other ex- 
 tremity, thou profane professor of puppetry, little 
 better than poetry : — \to Whit.J Then thou strong 
 debaucher and seducer of youth ; witness this easy and 
 honest young man, \_pointing to Edg.J — \to Knock, j 
 Now, thou esquire of dames, madams, and twelvepenny 
 ladies ; — Now, my green madam herself of the price ; 
 let me unmask your ladyship. \DiscQvers Mrs. Lit. 
 
 Lit. O my wife, my wife, my wife ! 
 
 Over. Is she your wife ? redde te Harpocratem. 
 
 Enter Troubleall, with a dripping-pan.^ followed by 
 Ursula and Nightingale. 
 
 Tro. By your leave, stand by, my masters, be un- 
 covered. 
 
 Urs. O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Night- 
 ingale ; my pan, my pan ! 
 
 Over. What's the matter ? 
 
 Night. He has stolen gammar Ursula's pan. 
 
 Tro. Yes, and I fear no man but Justice Overdo. 
 
 Over. Ursula ! where is she ? O the sow of 
 enormity, this ! welcome, stand you there ; you song- 
 ster, there. 
 
 Urs. An't please your worship, I am in no fault : a 
 gentleman stripped him in my booth, and borrowed 
 his gown, and his hat ; and he ran away with my 
 goods here for it. 
 
156 BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. [ACT v. 
 
 Over, [to QuARLOUS.J Then this is the true mad- 
 man, and you are the enormity ! 
 
 Qitar. You are in the right ; I am mad but from 
 the gown outward. 
 
 Over. Stand you there. 
 
 Qtiar. Where you please, sir. 
 
 Mrs. Quar. [waking] O, lend me a bason, I am 
 sick, I am sick ! where's Master Overdo ? Bridget, 
 call hither my Adam. 
 
 Over. How ! [He is shamed and silenced. 
 
 Whit. Dy very own wife, i' fait, worshipful Adam. 
 
 Mrs. Over. Will not my Adam come at me ! shall 
 I see him no more, then ? 
 
 Quar. Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity ? 
 are you oppressed with it ? I'll help you : hark you, 
 sir, in your ear — Your innocent young man, you have 
 ta'en such care of all this day, is a cutpurse, and hath 
 got all your brother Cokes's things, and helped you to 
 your beating and the stocks ; if you have a mind to 
 hang him now, and show him your magistrate's wit, 
 you may i but I should think it were better recovering 
 the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I 
 thank you, sir, for the gift of your ward. Mistress 
 Grace ; look you, here is your hand and seal, by the 
 way. Master Winwife, give you joy, you are Palemon^ 
 you are possessed of the gentlewoman, but she must 
 pay me value, here's warrant for it. And,' honest 
 madman, there's thy gown and cap again ; I thank 
 thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweetheart [to 
 Mrs. Pure.], when I please still ; never fear me ; and 
 careful Numps, where's he ? I thank him for my 
 licence. 
 
 Waspe. How ! 
 
 Quar. 'Tis true, Numps. 
 
SCENE III.] BARTHOLOMEW FAIR. 157 
 
 Waspe. I'll be hanged then. ' 
 
 Quar. Look in your box, Numps. — Nay, sir, {to 
 Overdo.] stand not you fixed here, like a stake in 
 Finsbury, to be shot at, or the whipping-post in the 
 Fair, but get your wife out o' the air, it will make her 
 worse else : and remember you are but Adam, flesh 
 and blood ! you have your frailty, forget your other 
 name of Overdo, and invite us all to supper. There 
 you and I will compare our discoveries ; and drown 
 the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at 
 home. 
 
 Cokes. How now, Numps, have you lost it ? I 
 warrant 'twas when thou wert in the stocks. Why 
 dost not speak ! 
 
 Waspe. I will never speak while I live again, for 
 aught I know. 
 
 Over. Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be 
 so too ; this pleasant conceited gentleman hath wrought 
 upon my judgment, and prevailed. I pray you take 
 care of your sick friend, Mistress Alice, and my good 
 friends all 
 
 Quar. And no enormities. 
 
 Over. I invite you home with me to my house to 
 supper : I will have none fear to go along, for my 
 intents are ad correctionem, non ad destructionem ; ad 
 cedijicaiidiim, non ad diruendum : so lead on. 
 
 Cokes. Yes, and bring the actors along, we'll have 
 the rest of the play at home. \_Exeunt. 
 
Your Majesty hath seen the play, and you 
 Can best allow it from your ear and view. 
 You know the scope of writers, and what store 
 Of leave is given them, if they take not more, 
 And turn it into licence : you can tell 
 If we have used that leave you gave us well : 
 Or whether we to rage or licence break, 
 Or be profane, or make profane men speak : 
 This is your power to judge, great sir, and not 
 The envy of a few. Which if we have got. 
 We value less what their dislike can bring. 
 If it so happy be, t' have pleased the King. 
 
 153 
 
CYNTHIA'S HEVELS; OR, THE 
 FOUNT AIU^ OF SELF-LOVE. 
 
HE first edition of this " Comical Satire" 
 was printed in quarto, 1601, with this 
 motto, 
 
 Quod non dant proceres, dabit histrio — 
 Haud tamen invideas vati, quern pulpita 
 pas ami J 
 
 which probably bore an allusion to some circumstance now 
 unknown. When Jonson republished it, he chose a more 
 intelligible passage : Nasulum volo, nolo polyposumj and 
 transferred the last line of the former motto, to the title-page 
 of his general works. The folio edition of this play, which 
 appeared in 1616, differs considerably from the quarto, being 
 increased by several new scenes, with which, to the utter 
 discomfiture of the reader's patience, the author injudiciously 
 swelled out the last two acts. Cynthia's Revels appears to 
 have been not unfavourably received, since we are told that 
 it was " frequently acted at the Blackfriars, by the children 
 of Queen Elizabeth's chapel-" It was also among the 
 earliest plays revived after the Restoration, and was often ' 
 performed at the New Theatre in Drury Lane, '' very satis- 
 factorily," as Downes says, " to the town : " though now laid 
 aside. Cynthids Revels was first acted in 1600, and the 
 folio gives the names of the boys (children, as they were 
 called) who performed the principal parts : " Nat. Field, Sal. 
 Pavy, Tho. Day, I. Underwood, Rob. Baxter, and John 
 Frost." Of these some lived to be eminent in their pro- 
 fession ; and one, who died young, and who was, indeed, an 
 actor of very extraordinary promise, was honoured by the 
 grateful poet with an epitaph, which has not often been sur- 
 passed. 
 
TO 
 
 THE SPECIAL FOUNTAIN OF MANNER?, 
 THE COURT. 
 
 " Thou art a bountiful and brave spring, and waterest 
 all the noble plants of this Island. In thee the whole 
 kingdom dresseth itself, and is ambitious to use thee 
 as her glass. Beware then thou render men's figures 
 truly, and teach them no less to hate their deformities, 
 than to love their forms : for to grace there should 
 come reverence ; and no man can call that lovely 
 which is not also venerable. It is not powdering, 
 perfuming, and every day smelling of the tailor, that 
 converteth to a beautiful object : but a mind shining 
 through any suit, which needs no false light, either of 
 riches or honours, to help it. Such shalt thou find 
 some here, even in the reign of Cynthia, — a Crites and 
 an Arete. Now, under thy Phoebus, it will be thy 
 province to make more ; except thou desirest to have 
 thy source mix with the spring of self-love, and so wilt 
 draw upon thee as welcome a discovery of thy days, as 
 was then made of her nights. 
 
 " Thy Servant, but not Slave, 
 
 ■'BEN. JONSON." 
 
 )on. II. 
 
DRA MATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Cynthia. 
 Mercury. 
 Hesperus. 
 Crites. 
 
 AmORPHUS. -Tf^-.-^^fX- - 
 ASOTUS. "'■^'-^'ff ^ 
 
 HeDON. — Vu f ^ f/r- rUst. 
 
 Anaides. - ^--,*-^^' '-'^-^ 
 
 morphides. 
 
 Prosaites. 
 
 MORUS. 
 
 Cupid. 
 
 Echo. 
 
 Arete. — 
 
 PhANTASTE. - ''^•^' t^-^^-'-^ 
 
 Argurion. ^-i •■"•'.; 
 
 PhILAUTIA. - '' ' ^ '-^^ 
 
 MORIA. - - ■ 
 
 Cos. 
 
 Gelaia. L .■■■' '■' 
 Phronesis, ^ 
 Thauma, > Mutes. 
 Time, J 
 
 SCENE. — Gargaphie. 
 
CYNTHIA'S LEVELS. 
 
 THE INDUCTION. 
 
 The Stage. 
 
 After the second sounding. 
 
 Enter three of the Children strtigglmg. 
 
 IRST CHILD. Pray you away ; why, 
 fellows ! • Gods so, what do you 
 mean ? 
 
 2 Child. Marry, that you shall 
 not speak the prologue, sir. 
 
 3 Child. Why, do you hope to 
 speak it ? 
 
 2 Child. Ay, and I think I have most right to it : I 
 am sure I studied it first. 
 
 3 Child. That's all one, if the author think I can 
 speak it better. 
 
 I Child. I plead possession of the cloak : ' gentles, 
 your suffrages, I pray you. 
 
 [ Within.'] Why, Children ! are you not ashamed ? 
 come in there ! 
 
 ' The usual dress of the person who spoke the prologue was a 
 black velvet cloak. 
 
 163 
 
 1 
 
 s 
 
i64 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [induct. 
 
 3 Child. 'Slid, I'll play nothing in the play, unless 
 I speak it. 
 
 I Child. Why, will you stand to most voices of the 
 gentlemen ? let that decide it. 
 
 3 Child. O, no, sir gallant ; you presume to have 
 the start of us there, and that makes you offer so 
 prodigally. 
 
 1 Child. No, would I were whipped, if I had any 
 such thought ; try it by lots either. 
 
 2 Child. Faith, I dare tempt my fortune in a greater 
 venture than this. 
 
 3 Child. Well said, resolute Jack ! I am content 
 too, so we draw first. Make the cuts. 
 
 1 Child. But will you not snatch my cloak while I 
 am stooping ? 
 
 3 Child. No, we scorn treachery. 
 
 2 Child. Which cut shall speak it ? 
 
 3 Child. The shortest. 
 
 1 Child. Agreed : draw; \_They draw cuts.] The 
 shortest is come to the shortest. Fortune was not 
 altogether blind in this. Now, sir, I hope I shall go 
 forward without your envy. 
 
 2 Child. A spite of all mischievous luck ! I was 
 once plucking at the other. 
 
 3 Child. Stay, Jack : 'slid, I'll do somewhat now 
 afore I go in, though it be nothing but to revenge my- 
 self upon the author ; since I speak not his prologue. 
 I'll go tell all the argument of his play afore-hand, and 
 so stale his invention to the auditory before it comes 
 forth. 
 
 1 Child. O, do not so. 
 
 2 Child. By no means. 
 
 3 Child. \_Advancing to the front of the Stage.]-^ 
 First, the title of his play is Cynthia's Revels, as any 
 
INDUCT.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 165 
 
 man that hath hope to be saved by his book can 
 witness ; the scene Gargaphie, which I do vehemently 
 suspect for some fustian country ; but let that vanish. 
 Here is the court of Cynthia, whither he brings Cupid 
 travelling on foot, resolved to turn page. By the way 
 Cupid meets with Mercury ; — that's a thing to be 
 noted ; take any of our play-books without a Cupid or 
 Mercury in it, and burn it for an heretic in poetry. 
 [/« these and the subsequent speeches, at every break, 
 the other two interrupt, and endeavour to stop him.'\ 
 Pray thee let me alone. Mercury, he in the nature 
 of a conjuror, raises up Echo, who weeps over her 
 love, or daffodil. Narcissus, a little ; sings ; curses the 
 spring wherein the pretty foolish gentleman melted 
 himself away : and there's an end of her. — Now I am 
 to inform you that Cupid and Mercury do both become 
 pages. Cupid attends on Philautia, or Self-love, a 
 court lady : Mercury follows Hedon, the Voluptuous, 
 and a courtier ; one that ranks himself even with 
 Anaides, or the Impudent, a gallant, and that's my 
 part ; one that keeps Laughter, Gelaia, the daughter of 
 Folly, a wench in boy's attire, to wait on him. — These, 
 in the court, meet with Amorphus, or the Deformed, 
 a traveller that hath drunk of the fountain, and there 
 tells the wonders of the water. They presently dispatch 
 away their pages with bottles to fetch of it, and them- 
 selves go to visit the ladies. But I should have told 
 you — Look, these emmets put me out here — that with 
 this Amorphus, there comes along a citizen's heir, 
 Asotus, or the Prodigal, who, in imitation of the 
 traveller, who hath the Whetstone following him, 
 entertains the Beggar, to be his attendant. Now the 
 nymphs who are mistresses to these gallants, are 
 Philautia, Self-love ; Phantaste, a light Wittiness ; 
 
i66 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [induct. 
 
 Argurion, Money ; and their guardian, Mother Moria, 
 or Mistress Folly 
 
 I Child. Pray thee, no more. 
 
 3 Child. There Cupid strikes Money in love with 
 the Prodigal, makes her dote upon him, give him 
 jewels, bracelets, carcanets, &c. All which he most 
 ingeniously departs withal to make known to the 
 other ladies and gallants ; and in the heat of this, 
 increases his train with the Fool to follow him as well 
 as the Beggar. By this time, your Beggar begins to 
 wait close, who is returned with the rest of his fellow 
 bottlemen. There they all drink, save Argurion, who 
 is fallen into a sudden apoplexy 
 
 1 Child. Stop his mouth. 
 
 3 Child. And then, there's a retired scholar there, 
 you would not wish a thing to be better contemned of 
 a society of gallants, than it is ; and he applies his 
 service, good gentleman, to the Lady Arete, or Virtue, 
 a poor nymph of Cynthia's train : that's scarce able to 
 buy herself a gown ; you shall see her play in a black 
 robe anon : a creature that, I assure you, is no less 
 scorned than himself. Where am I now ? at a stand ! 
 
 2 Child. Come, leave at last, yet. 
 
 3 Child. O, the night is come ('twas somewhat 
 dark, methought), and Cynthia intends to come forth ; 
 that helps it a little yet. All the courtiers must 
 provide for revels ; they conclude upon a masque, the 
 device of which is — What, will you ravish me ? — that 
 each of these Vices, being to appear before Cynthia, 
 would seem other than indeed they are ; and therefore 
 assume the most neighbouring Virtues as their mask- 
 ing habit I'd cry a rape, but that you are children. 
 
 2 Child. Come, we'll have no more of this anticipa- 
 tion ; to give them the inventory of their cates afore- 
 
INDUCT.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 167 
 
 hand, were the discipline of a tavern, and not fitting 
 this presence. 
 
 I Child. Tut, this was but to show us the happiness 
 of his memory. I thought at first he would have 
 played the ignorant critic with everything, along as 
 he had gone ; I expected some such device. 
 
 3 Child. O, you shall see me do that rarely ; lend 
 me thy cloak. 
 
 1 Child. Soft, sir, you'll speak my prologue in it. 
 3 Child. No, would I might never stir then. 
 
 2 Child. Lend it him, lend it him. 
 I Child. Well, you have sworn. 
 
 [ Gives him the cloak. 
 
 3 Child. I have. Now, sir, suppose I am one of 
 your genteel auditors, that am come in, having paid 
 my money at the door, with much ado, and here 1 
 take my place and sit down : I have my three sorts of 
 tobacco in my pocket, my light by me, and thus I 
 begin. \At the breaks he takes his tobacco.^ By this 
 light, I wonder that any man is so mad, to come to see 
 these rascally tits play here. They do act like so many 
 wrens, or pismires — not the fifth part of a good face 
 amongst them all. And then their music is abomin- 
 able — able to stretch a man's ears worse than ten — 
 pillories, and their ditties — most lamentable things, like 
 the pitiful fellows that make them — poets. By this 
 vapour, an 'twere not for tobacco — I think — the very 
 stench of 'em would poison me, I should not dare to 
 come in at their gates. A man were better visit 
 fifteen jails — or a dozen or two of hospitals — than once 
 adventure to come near them. " How is't ? well ? 
 
 I Child. Excellent ; give me my cloak. 
 3 Child. Stay ; you shall see me do another now, 
 but a more sober, or better-gathered gallant ; that is. 
 
1 68 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [induct. 
 
 as it may be thought, some friend, or well-wisher to 
 the house : and here I enter. 
 
 1 Child. What, upon the stage too ? 
 
 2 Child. Yes ; and I step forth like one of the 
 children, and ask you, Would you have a stool, sir? " 
 
 3 Child. A stool, boy ! 
 
 2 Child. Ay, sir, if you'll give me sixpence I'll fetch 
 you one. 
 
 3 Child. For what, I pray thee ? what shall I do 
 with it ? 
 
 2 Child. O lord, sir ! will you betray your 
 ignorance so much ? why throne yourself in state on 
 the stage, as other gentlemen use, sir. 
 
 3 Child. Away, wag ; what, wouldst thou make aa 
 implement of me ? 'Slid, the boy takes me for a piece 
 of perspective, I hold my life, or some silk curtain, 
 come to hang the stage here ! Sir crack,^ I am none 
 of your fresh pictures, that use to beautify the decayed 
 dead arras in a public theatre. 
 
 2 Child. 'Tis a sign, sir, you put not that confidence 
 in your good clothes, and your better face, that a 
 gentleman should do, sir. But I pray you, sir, let 
 me be a suitor to you, that you will quit our stage 
 then, and take a place, the play is instantly to 
 begin. 
 
 3 Child. Most willingly, my good wag ; but I would 
 speak with your author, where is he ? 
 
 2 Child. Not this way, I assure you, sir ; we are not 
 
 ' At the theatres in Joiison's time, spectators were admitted on 
 the stage. Here they sat on stools, the price of which, as the situa- 
 tion was more or less commodious, was sixpence, or a shiUing ; here, 
 too, their own pages, or the boys of the house, supplied them with 
 pipes and tobacco. 
 
 ' Crack is a sprightly forward boy. It frequently occurs in Jonsoi) 
 and his contemporaries, 
 
INDUCT.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 169 
 
 so officiously befriended by him, as to have his presence 
 in the tiring-house, to prompt tis aloud, stamp at the 
 book-holder, swear for our properties, curse the poor 
 tireman, rail the music out of tune, and sweat for every 
 venial trespass we commit, as some author would, if he 
 had such fine enghles as we. Well, 'tis but our hard 
 fortune ! 
 
 3 Child. Nay, crack, be not disheartened. 
 
 2 Child. Not I, sir ; but if you please to confer with 
 our author, by attorney, you may, sir ; our proper self 
 here, stands for him. 
 
 3 Child. Troth, I have no such serious affair to 
 negotiate with him, but what may very safely be turned 
 upon thy trust. It is in the general behalf of this fair 
 society here that I am to speak, at, least the more 
 judicious part of it, which seems much distasted with 
 the immodest and obscene writing of many in their 
 plays. Besides, they could wish your poets would 
 leave to be promoters of other men's jests, and to way- 
 lay all the stale apothegms, or old books, they can 
 hear of, in print or otherwise, to farce their scenes 
 withal. That they would not so penuriously glean wit 
 from every laundress or hackney-man, or derive their 
 best grace, with servile imitation, from common stages, 
 or observation of the company they converse with ; as 
 if their invention lived wholly upon another man's 
 trencher. Again, that feeding their friends with 
 nothing of their own, but what they have twice or 
 thrice cooked, they should not wantonly give out, how 
 soon they had drest it ; nor how many coaches came to 
 carry away the broken meat, besides hobby-horses and 
 foot-cloth nags. 
 
 2 Child. So, sir, this is all the reformation you 
 seek? 
 
I70 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [induct. 
 
 3 Child. It is ; do not you think it necessary to be 
 practised, my little wag ? 
 
 2 Child. Yes, where any such ill-habited custom is 
 received. , 
 
 3 Child. O, (I had almost forgot it too,) they 
 say, the timbrce or ghosts of some three or four plays 
 departed a dozen years since, have been seen walking 
 on your stage here ; take heed, boy, if your house be 
 haunted with such hobgoblins, 'twill fright away all 
 your spectators quickly. 
 
 2 Child. Good, sir ; but what will you say now, if 
 a poet, untouched with any breath of this disease, find 
 the tokens upon you, that are of the auditory ? As 
 some one civet-wit among you, that knows no other 
 learning than the price of satin and velvets ; no other 
 perfection than the wearing of a neat suit ; and yet 
 will censure as desperately as the most professed critic 
 in the house, presuming his clothes should bear him 
 out in it. Another, whom it hath pleased nature to 
 furnish with more beard than brain, prunes his mus- 
 taccio, lisps, and, with some score of affected oaths, 
 swears down all that sit about him ; " That the old 
 Hieronimo, as it was first acted, was the only best, and 
 judiciously penned play of Europe." A third great- 
 bellied juggler talks of twenty years since, and when 
 Monsieur was here,' and would enforce all wits to be 
 of that fashion, because his doublet is still so. A 
 fourth miscalls all by the name of fustian, that his 
 grounded capacity cannot aspire to. A fifth only 
 shakes his bottle head, and out of his corky brain 
 squeezeth out a pitiful learned face, and is silent. 
 
 ' The Duke of Anjou, brother to Charles IX., King of France, 
 who came into England in 1579 to pay his addresses to Queen 
 Elizabeth. 
 
INDUCT.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 171 
 
 3 Child. By my faith, Jack, you have put me down : 
 I would I knew how to get off with any indifferent 
 grace ! Here, take your cloak, and promise some 
 satisfaction in your prologue, or, I'll be sworn, we have 
 marred all. 
 
 2 Child. Tut, fear not, child, this will never distaste 
 a true sense : be not out, and good enough. I would 
 thou hadst some sugar-candied to sweeten thy mouth. 
 
 The third sounding. 
 
If gracious silence, sweet attention, 
 
 Quick sight, and quicker apprehension. 
 
 The lights of judgment's throne, shine any where. 
 
 Our doubtful author hopes this is their sphere ; 
 
 And therefore opens he himself to those. 
 
 To other weaker beams his labours close. 
 
 As loth to prostitute their virgin-strain. 
 
 To every vulgar and adulterate brain. 
 
 In this alone, his Muse her sweetness hath. 
 
 She shuns the print of any beaten path ; 
 
 And proves new ways to come to learned ears : 
 
 Pied ignorance she neither loves nor fears. 
 
 Nor hunts she after popular applause, 
 
 Or foamy praise, that drops from common jaws : 
 
 The garland that she wears, their hands must twine. 
 
 We can both censure, understand, define 
 
 What merit is : then cast those piercing rays. 
 
 Round as a crown, instead of honoured bays. 
 
 About his poesy ; which, he knows, affords 
 
 Words, above action ; matter, above words. 
 
 172 
 
ACT THE FIRST. 
 
 SCENE I. — A Grove and Fountain. 
 
 Enter Cupid, and Mercury loith his caduceus, on 
 different sides. 
 
 UP. Who goes there ? 
 Mer. 'Tis I, blind archer. 
 Cnp. Who, Mercury ? 
 Mer. Ay. 
 Cz^/. "Farewell. 
 Mer. Stay, Cupid. 
 Cup. Not in your company, 
 Hermes, except your hands were rivetted at your 
 back. 
 
 Mer. Why so, my little rover ? 
 Cup. Because I know you have not a finger, but is 
 as long as my quiver, cousin Mercury, when you please 
 to extend it. 
 
 Mer. Whence derive you this speech, boy ? 
 Cup. O ! 'tis your best polity to be ignorant. You 
 did never steal Mars his sword out of the sheath, you ! 
 nor Neptune's trident ! nor Apollo's bow ! no, not 
 you ! Alas, your palms, Jupiter knows, they are as 
 tender as the foot of a foundered nag, or a lady's face 
 new mercuried, they'll touch nothing. 
 Mer. Go to, infant, you'll be daring still. 
 173 
 
174 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 Cup. Daring ! O Janus ! what a word is there ? why, 
 my Ught feather-heeled coz, what are you any more 
 than my uncle Jove's pander ? a lacquey that runs on 
 errands for him, and can whisper a light message to a 
 loose wench with some round volubility ? wait man- 
 nerly at a table with a trencher, warble upon a crowd 
 a little, and fill out nectar when Ganymede's away ? 
 one that sweeps the gods' drinking-room every morn- 
 ing, and sets the cushions in order again, which they 
 threw one at another's head over night : can. brush 
 the carpets, call the stools again to their places, play 
 the crier of the court with an audible voice, and take 
 state of a president upon you at wrestlings, pleadings, 
 negociations, &c. Here's the catalogue of your em- 
 ployments, now ! O no, I err ; you have the marshal- 
 ling of all the ghosts too that pass the Stygian ferry, 
 and I suspect you for a share with the old sculler 
 there, if the truth were known : but let that scape. 
 One other peculiar ivirtue you possess, in lifting, or 
 leiger-du-main, which few of the house of heaven have 
 else besides, I must confess. But, methinks, that 
 should not make you put that extreme distance 'twixt 
 yourself and others, that we should be said to " over 
 dare " in speaking to your nimble deity. So Hercules 
 might challenge priority of us both, because he can 
 throw the bar farther, or lift more join'd stools at the 
 arm's end, than we. If this might carry it, then we, 
 who have made the whole body of divinity tremble at 
 the twang of our bow, and enforced Saturnius himself 
 to lay by his curled front, thunder, and three-forked 
 fires, and put on a masking-suit, too light for a reveller 
 
 of eighteen to be seen in 
 
 Mer. How now ! my dancing braggart in decitm 
 sexto ! charm your skipping tongue, or I'll 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 175 
 
 Cup. What ? use the virtue of your snaky tipstaff 
 there upon us ? 
 
 Mer. No, boy, but the smart vigour of my palm 
 about your ears. You have forgot since I took your 
 heels up into air, on the very hour I was born, in sight 
 of all the bench of deities, when the silver roof of the 
 Olympian palace rung again with applause of the 
 fact. 
 
 Clip. O no, I remember it freshly, and by a particu- 
 lar instance ; for my mother Venus, at the same time, 
 but stooped to embrace you, and, to speak by meta- 
 phor, you borrowed a girdle of hers, as you did Jove's 
 sceptre while he was laughing ; and would have done 
 his thunder too, but that 'twas too hot for your itching 
 iingers. 
 
 Mer. 'Tis well, sir. 
 
 CiLp. I heard you but looked in at Vulcan's forge 
 the other day, and entreated a pair of his new tongs 
 along with you for company : 'tis joy on you, i' faith, 
 that you will keep your hooked talons in practice with 
 anything. 'Slight, now you are on earth, we shall 
 have you filch spoons and candlesticks rather than 
 fail : pray Jove the perfumed courtiers keep their 
 casting-bottles, pick-tooths, and shittle-cocks from you, 
 or our more ordinary gallants their tobacco-boxes ; for 
 I am strangely jealous of your nails. 
 
 Mer. Never trust me, Cupid, but you are turned a 
 most acute gallant of late ! the edge of my wit is clean 
 taken. off with the fine and subtile stroke of your thin- 
 ground tongue ; you fight with too poignant a phrase, 
 for me to deal with. 
 
 Cup. O Hermes, your craft cannot make me confi- 
 dent. I know my own steel to be almost spent, and 
 therefore entreat my peace with you, in time : you are 
 
176 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i, 
 
 too cunning for me to encounter at length, and I 
 think it my safest ward to close. 
 
 Mer. Well, for once, I'll suffer you to win upon 
 me, wag ; but use not these strains too often, they'll 
 stretch my patience. Whither might you march 
 now ? 
 
 Cup. Faith, to recover thy good thoughts, I'll 
 discover my whole project. The huntress and queen 
 of these groves, Diana, in regard of some black and 
 envious slanders hourly breathed against her, for her 
 divine justice on Acteon, as she pretends, hath here in 
 the vale of Gargaphie,' proclaimed a solemn revels, 
 which (her godhead put off) she will descend to grace, 
 with the full and royal expense of one of her clearest 
 moons : in which time it shall be lawful for all sorts 
 of ingenious persons to visit her palace, to court her 
 nymphs, to exercise all variety of generous and noble 
 pastimes : as well to intimate how far she treads such 
 malicious imputations beneath her, as also to show 
 how clear her beauties are from the least wrinkle of 
 austerity they may be charged with. 
 
 Mer. But what is all this to Cupid ? 
 
 Cup. Here do I mean to put off the title of a god, 
 and take the habit of a page, in which disguise, during 
 the interim of these revels, I will get to follow some 
 one of Diana's maids, where, if my bow hold, and my 
 shafts fly but with half the willingness and aim they 
 are directed, I doubt not but I shall really redeem the 
 minutes I have lost, by their so long and over nice 
 proscription of my deity from their court. 
 
 Mer. Pursue it, divine Cupid, it will be rare. .. 
 
 Cup. But will Hermes second me ? 
 
 Mer. I am now to put in act an especial designment 
 
 " The vale where Acteon was torn to pieces by his own hounds. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 177 
 
 from my father Jove ; but, that performed, I am for any 
 fresh action that offers itself. 
 
 Cup. Well, then we part. [Exit. 
 
 Mer. Farewell, good wag. 
 Now to my charge. — Echo, fair Echo, speak, 
 'Tis Mercury that calls thee ; sorrowful nymph, 
 Salute me with thy repercussive voice. 
 That I may know what cavern of the earth 
 Contains thy airy spirit, how, or where 
 I may direct my speech, that thou mayst hear. 
 
 Echo \belonsi\. Here. 
 
 Mer. So nigh ! 
 
 Echo. Ay. 
 
 Mer. Know, gentle soul, then, I am sent from Jove, 
 Who, pitying the sad burthen of thy woes. 
 Still growing on thee, in thy want of words 
 To vent thy passion for Narcissus' death, 
 Commands, that now, after three thousand years. 
 Which have been exercised in Juno's spite, 
 Thou take a corporal figure, and ascend. 
 Enriched with vocal and articulate power. 
 Make haste, sad nymph, thrice shall my winged rod 
 Strike the obsequious earth, to give thee way. 
 Arise, and speak thy sorrows, Echo, rise. 
 Here, by this fountain, where thy love did pine. 
 Whose memory lives fresh to vulgar fame. 
 Shrined in this yellow flower, that bears his name. 
 
 Echo \ascends.'\ His name revives, and lifts me up 
 from earth, 
 O, which way shall I first convert myself. 
 Or in what mood shall I essay to speak. 
 That, in a moment, I may be delivered 
 Of the prodigious grief I go withal ? 
 See, see, the mourning fount, whose springs weep yet 
 
 [on. II. N 
 
178 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 Th' untimely fate of that too beauteous boy, 
 
 That trophy of self-love, and spoil of nature, 
 
 Who, now transformed into this drooping flower 
 
 Hangs the repentant head, back from the stream, 
 
 As if it wished. Would I had never looked 
 
 III such a flattering mirror ! O Narcissus, 
 
 Thou that wast once, and yet art, my Narcissus, 
 
 Had Echo but been private with thy thoughts, 
 
 She would have dropt away herself in tears. 
 
 Till she had all turned water ; that in her. 
 
 As in a truer glass, thou mightst have gazed. 
 
 And seen thy beauties by more kind reflection. 
 
 But self-love never yet could look on truth 
 
 But with bleared beams ; slick flattery and she 
 
 Are twin-born sisters, and so mix their eyes, 
 
 As if you sever one, the other dies. 
 
 Why did the gods give thee a heavenly form. 
 
 And earthly thoughts to make thee proud of it ? 
 
 Why do I ask ? 'Tis now the known disease 
 
 That beauty hath, to bear too deep a sense 
 
 Of her own self-conceived excellence. 
 
 O, hadst thou known the worth of heaven's rich gift, 
 
 Thou wouldst have turned it to a truer use. 
 
 And not with starved and covetous ignorance. 
 
 Pined in continual eyeing that bright gem, 
 
 The glance whereof to others had been more, 
 
 Than to thy famished mind the wide world's store : 
 
 So wretched is it to be merely rich ! 
 
 Witness thy youth's dear sweets here spent untasted. 
 
 Like a fair taper, with his own flame wasted. 
 
 Mer. Echo be brief, Saturnia is abroad. 
 And if she hear, she'll storm at Jove's high will. 
 
 Echo. I will, kind Mercury, be brief as time. 
 Vouchsafe me, I may do him these last rites, 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 179 
 
 But kiss his flower, and sing some mourning strain 
 Over his watery hearse. 
 
 Mer. Thou dost obtain ; 
 I were no son to Jove should I deny thee. 
 Begin, and more to grace thy cunning voice. 
 The humorous air shall mix her solemn tunes 
 With thy sad words : strike, music, from the spheres, 
 And with your golden raptures swell our ears. 
 
 Echo \accompanied\ 
 
 Slow, slow, fresh fount, keep time with my salt tears : 
 
 Yet slower, yet ; O faintly, gentle springs : 
 List to the heavy part the music bears. 
 
 Woe weeps out her division, when she sings. 
 Droop herbs and flowers. 
 Fall grief in showers, 
 Our beauties are not ours ; 
 O, I could still, 
 Like melting snow upon some craggy hill. 
 
 Drop, drop, drop, drop. 
 Since nature's pride is now a withered daffodil. — 
 
 Mer. Now, have you done ? 
 
 Echo. Done presently, good Hermes ; bide a little ; 
 Suffer my thirsty eye to gaze awhile. 
 But e'en to taste the place, and I am vanished. 
 
 Mer. Forego thy use and liberty of tongue. 
 And thou mayst dwell on earth, and sport thee there. 
 
 Echo. Here young Acteon fell, pursued and torn 
 By Cynthia's wrath, more eager than his hounds ; 
 And here — ah me, the place is fatal ! — see 
 The weeping Niobe, translated hither 
 From Phrygian mountains ; and by Phoebe reared. 
 As the proud trophy of her sharp revenge. 
 
i8o CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 Mer. Nay, but hear 
 
 Echo. But here, O here, the fountain of self-love, 
 In which Latona, and her careless nymphs, 
 Regardless of my sorrows, bathe themselves 
 In hourly pleasures. 
 
 Mer. Stint thy babbling tongue ! 
 Fond Echo, thou profanest the grace is done thee. 
 So idle worldings merely made of voice. 
 Censure the Powers above them. Come, away, 
 Jove calls thee hence, and his will brooks no stay. 
 
 Echo. O, stay : I have but one poor thought to 
 clothe 
 In airy garments, and then, faith, I go. 
 Henceforth, thou treacherous and murdering spring, 
 ge.gy£r_c alled the fo untain of self-love : 
 And with thy water let this curse remain, 
 As an inseparate plague, that who but taste 
 A drop thereof, may, with the instant touch. 
 Grow dotingly enamoured on themselves. 
 Now, Hermes, I have finished. 
 
 Mer. Then thy speech 
 Must here forsake thee. Echo, and thy voice, 
 As it was wont, rebound but the last words. 
 Farewell. 
 
 Echo [retiring]. Well. 
 
 Mer. Now, Cupid, I am for you, and your mirth. 
 To make me light before I leave the earth. 
 
 Enter Amorphus, hastily. 
 
 Amo, Dear spark of beauty, make not so fast 
 
 away. 
 Echo. Away. •' 
 
 Mer. Stay, let me observe this portent yet. 
 Amo. I am neither your Minotaur, nor your Centaur, 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. i8i 
 
 nor your satyr, nor your hyaena, nor your babion,' but 
 your mere traveller, believe me. 
 
 Echo. Leave me. 
 
 Alcr. I guessed it should be some travelling motion 
 pursued Echo so. 
 
 Amo. Know you from whom you fly ? or whence ? 
 
 Echo. Hence. \_Exit. 
 
 Amo. This is somewhat above strange : A nymph 
 of her feature and lineament, to be so preposterously 
 rude ! well, I will but cool myself at yon spring, and 
 follow her. 
 
 Mer. Nay, then I am familiar with the issue : I'll 
 leave you too. \_Exit. 
 
 Amo. I am a rhinoceros, if I had thought a creature 
 of her symmetry could have dared so improportion- 
 able and abrupt a digression. — Liberal and divine 
 fount, suffer my profane hand to take of thy bounties 
 \takes up some of the water'\. By the purity of my 
 taste, here is most ambrosaic water ; I will sup of it 
 again. By thy favour, sweet fount. See, the water, a 
 more running, subtile, and humorous nymph than she, 
 permits tne to touch and handle her. What should I 
 infer ? if my behaviours had been of a cheap or custo- 
 mary garb ; my accent or phrase vulgar ; my garments 
 trite ; my countenance illiterate, or unpractised in the 
 encounter of a beautiful and brave attired piece ; then 
 I might with some change of colour have suspected 
 my faculties. But, knowing myself an essence so sub- 
 limated and refined by travel ; of so studied and well 
 exercised a gesture ; so alone in fashion ; able to 
 render "^ the face of any statesman living ; and to speak 
 the mere extraction of language ; one that hath now 
 
 ■ I.e. Baboon. 
 
 " The first folio has, tender the face. 
 
1 83 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 made the sixth return upon venture ; and was your 
 first that ever enriched his country with the true laws 
 of the duello ; whose optics have drunk the spirit of 
 beauty in some eight score and eighteen princes' courts, 
 where I have resided, and been there fortunate in the 
 amours of three hundred forty and five ladies, all 
 nobly, if not princely descended ; whose names I have 
 in catalogue. To conclude, in all so happy, as even 
 admiration herself doth seem to fasten her kisses upon 
 me : — certes, I do neither see, nor feel, nor taste, nor 
 savour the last steam or fume of a reason, that should 
 invite this foolish, fastidious nymph, so peevishly to 
 abandon me. Well, let the memory of her fleet into 
 air; my thoughts and I am for this other element, 
 water. 
 
 Enter Crites and AsoTus. 
 
 Cri. What, the well dieted Amorphus become a 
 water drinker ! I see he means not to write verses 
 then. 
 
 Aso. No, Crites ! why ? 
 
 Cri. Because — 
 Nulla placer e dm, nee vivere carmina possunt, 
 Quce scribuntur aquce potoribus. 
 
 Amo. What say you to yourtlelicoiT?] 
 
 Cri. O, the Muses' well ! that's "ever excepted. 
 
 Amo. Sir, your Muses have no such water, I assure 
 you : your nectar or the juice of your nepenthe, is 
 nothing to it ; 'tis above your metheglin, believe it. 
 
 Aso. Metheglin ; what's that, sir ?, may I be so 
 audacious to demand ? 
 
 Amo. A kind of Greek wine I have met with, sir, 
 in my travels ; it is the same that Demosthenes usually 
 drunk, in the composure of all his exquisite and 
 mellifluous orations. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 183 
 
 Cri. That's to be argued, Amorphus, if we may 
 credit Lucian, who, in his Encomio Demosthems, 
 affirms he never drunk but water in any of his 
 compositions. 
 
 Amo. Lucian is absurd, he knew nothing : I will 
 believe mine own travels before all the Lucian s of 
 Europe. He doth feed you with fittons,' figments, 
 and leasings. 
 
 Crt. Indeed, I think, next a traveller, he does 
 prettily well. 
 
 Amo. I assure you it was wine, I have tasted it, 
 and from the hand of an Italian antiquary, who 
 derives it authentically from the Duke of Ferrara's 
 bottles. How name you the gentleman you are in 
 rank with there, sir ? 
 
 Cri. 'Tis Asotus, son to the late deceased Philargyrus, 
 the citizen. 
 
 Amo. Was his father of any eminent place or 
 means ? 
 
 Cri. He was to have been prjetor next year. 
 
 Amo. Ha ! a pretty formal young gallant, in good 
 sooth ; pity he is not more genteelly propagated. 
 Hark you, Crites, you may say to him what I am, 
 if you please ; though I affect not popularity, yet I 
 would be loth to stand out to any whom you shall 
 vouchsafe to call friend. 
 
 Cri. Sir, I fear I may do wrong to your sufficiencies 
 in the reporting them, by forgetting or misplacing 
 some one : yourself can best inform him of yourself, 
 sir ; except you had some catalogue or list of your 
 faculties ready drawn, which you would request me 
 to show him for you, and him to take notice of. 
 
 ' The reading of the quarto '•& fictions. 
 
1 84 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 Amo. This, Crites, is sour ; \aside.'\ I will think, 
 sir. 
 
 Cri. Do so, sir. — O heaven ! that anything in the 
 likeness of man should suffer these racked extremities, 
 for the uttering of his sophisticate good parts. \_Aside. 
 
 Aso. Crites, I have a suit to you ; but you must 
 not deny me : pray you make this gentleman and I 
 friends. 
 
 Cri. Friends ! why, is there any difference between 
 you ? 
 
 Aso. No ; I mean acquaintance, to know one 
 another. 
 
 Cri. O, now I apprehend you ; your phrase was 
 without me before. 
 
 Aso. In good faith, he's a most excellent rare man, 
 I warrant him. 
 
 Crt. 'Slight, they are mutually enamouied by this 
 time. \_Aside. 
 
 Aso. Will you, sweet Crites ? 
 
 Cri. Yes, yes. 
 
 Aso. Nay, but when ? you'll defer it now, and 
 forget it. 
 
 Cri. Why, is it a thing of such present necessity, 
 that it requires so violent a dispatch ? 
 
 Aso . No, but would I might never stir, he's a most 
 ravishing man ! Good Crites, you shall endear me 
 to you, in good faith ; la ! 
 
 Cri. Well, your longing shall be satisfied, sir. 
 
 Aso. And withal, you may tell him what my father 
 was, and how well he left me, and that I am his 
 heir. 
 
 Cri. Leave it to me, I'll forget none of your dear 
 graces, I warrant you. 
 
 Aso. Nay, I know you can better marshal these 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 185 
 
 affairs than I can O gods ! I'd give all the world, 
 
 if I had it, for abundance of such acquaintance. 
 
 Cri. What ridiculous circumstance might I devise 
 now to bestow this reciprocal brace of butterflies one 
 upon another ? \_Aside. 
 
 Amo. Since I trod on this side the Alps, I was not 
 so frozen in my invention. Let me see : to accost 
 him with some choice remnant of Spanish or Italian ! 
 that would indifferently express my languages now : 
 marry, then, if he should fall out to be ignorant, it 
 were both hard and harsh. How else ? step into 
 some ragioni del stato, and so make my induction ! 
 that were above him too ; and out of his element, 
 I fear. Feign to have seen him in Venice or Padua ! 
 or some face near his in similitude ! 'tis too pointed 
 and open. No, it must be a more quaint and collateral 
 
 device, as stay : to frame some encomiastic speech 
 
 upon this our metropolis, or the wise magistrates 
 thereof, in which politic number, 'tis odds but his 
 father filled up a room ? descend into a particular 
 admiration of their justice, for the due measuring 
 of coals, burning of cans, and such like ? as also 
 their religion, in pulling down a superstitious cross, 
 and advancing a Venus, or Priapus, in place of it ? 
 ha ! 'twill do well. Or to talk of some hospital whose 
 walls record his father a benefactor ? or of so many 
 buckets bestowed on his parish church in his life-time, 
 with his name at length, for want of arms, trickt upon 
 them ? any of these. Or to praise the cleanness of 
 the street wherein he dwelt ? or the provident painting 
 of his posts, against he should have been praetor ? or, 
 leaving his parent, come to some special ornament 
 about himself, as his rapier, or some other of his 
 accoutrements ? I have it : thanks, gracious Minerva ! 
 
1 86 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act 1. 
 
 Aso. Would I had but once spoke to him, and 
 then He comes to me ! 
 
 Amo. 'Tis a most curious and neatly wrought band, 
 this same, as I have seen, sir. 
 
 Aso. O lord, sir ! 
 
 Amo. You forgive the humour of mine eye, in 
 observing it. 
 
 Cri. His eye waters after it, it seems. \_Aside. 
 
 Aso. O lord, sir ! there needs no such apology, I 
 assure you. 
 
 Crt. I am anticipated : they'll make a solemn deed 
 of gift of themselves, you shall see. \_Aside. 
 
 Amo. Your riband too does most gracefully, in 
 troth. 
 
 Aso. 'Tis the most genteel, and received wear now, 
 sir. 
 
 Amo. Believe me, sir, I speak it not to humour 
 you — I have not seen a young gentleman, generally, 
 put on his clothes with more judgment. 
 
 Aso. O, 'tis your pleasure to say so, sir. 
 
 Amo. No, as I am virtuous, being altogether un- 
 tra veiled, it strikes me into wonder. 
 
 Aso. I do purpose to travel, sir, at spring. 
 
 Amo. I think I shall affect you, sir. This last 
 speech of yours hath begun to make you dear to 
 me. 
 
 Aso. O lord, sir ! I would there were anything in 
 me, sir, that might appear worthy the least worthiness 
 of your worth, sir. I protest, sir, I should endeavour 
 to show it, sir,.with more than common regard, sir. 
 
 Cri. O, here's rare motley, sir. \_Aside. 
 
 Amo. Both your desert, and your endeavours are 
 plentiful, suspect them not : but your sweet disposition 
 to travel, I assure you, hath made you another myself 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 187 
 
 in mine eye, and struck me enamoured on your 
 beauties. 
 
 Aso. I would I were the fairest lady of France for 
 your sake, sir ! and yet I would travel too. 
 
 Amo. O, you skould digress from yourself else : 
 for, believe it, your travel is your only thing that 
 rectifies, or, as the Italian says, vi rendt pronto alV 
 attioni, makes you fit for action. 
 
 Am. I think it be great charge though, sir. 
 
 Amo. Charge ! why, 'tis nothing for a gentleman 
 that goes private, as yourself, or so ; my intelligence 
 shall quit my charge at all time. Good faith, this hat 
 hath possest mine eye exceedingly ; 'tis so pretty and 
 fantastic ; what ! is it a beaver ? 
 
 Aso. Ay, sir, I'll assure you 'tis a beaver, it cost me 
 eight crowns but this morning. 
 
 Amo. After your French account ? 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir. 
 
 Cri. And so near his head ! beshrew me, dangerous. 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Amo. A very pretty fashion, believe me, and a most 
 novel kind of trim : your band is conceited too ! 
 
 Aso. Sir, it is all at your service. 
 
 Amo. O, pardon me. 
 
 Aso. I beseech you, sir, if you please to wear it, you 
 shall do me a most infinite grace. 
 
 Cri. 'Slight, will he be praised out of his clothes ? 
 
 Aso. By heaven, sir, I do not offer it you after 
 the Italian manner ; I would you should conceive 
 so of me. 
 
 Amo. Sir, I shall fear to appear rude in denying 
 your courtesies, especially being invited by so proper 
 a distinction. May I pray your name, sir ? 
 
 Aso. My name is Asotus, sir. 
 
1 88 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 Amo. I take your love, gentle Asotus ; but let me 
 
 win you to receive this, in exchange 
 
 \_They exchange beavers. 
 
 Cri. Heart ! they'll change doublets anon. \_Aside. 
 
 Amo. And, from this time esteem yourself in the 
 first rank of those few whom I profess to love. What 
 make you in company of this scholar here ? I will 
 bring you known to gallants, as Anaides of the 
 ordinary, Hedon the courtier, and others, whose 
 , society shall render you graced and respected : this 
 ^ is a trivial fellow, too mean, too cheap, too coarse for 
 you to converse with. 
 
 Aso. 'Slid, this is not worth a crown, and mine cost 
 me eight but this morning. 
 
 Cri. I looked when he would repent him, he has 
 begun to be sad a good while. 
 
 Amo. Sir, shall I say to you for that hat ? Be not 
 so sad, be not so sad. It is a relic I could not so easily 
 have departed with, but as the hieroglyphic of my 
 affection ; you shall alter it to what form you please, 
 it will take any block ; I have received it Varied on 
 record to the three thousandth time, and not so few. 
 It hath these virtues beside ; your head shall not ache 
 under it, nor your brain leave you, without liceflce; 
 it will preserve your complexion to eternity ; for no 
 beam of the sun, should you wear it under zona 
 torrida, hath power to approach it by two ells. It 
 is proof against thunder and enchantment ; and was 
 given me by a great man in Russia, as an especial 
 prized present ; and constantly affirmed to be the 
 hat that accompanied the politic Ulysses in his tedious 
 and ten years travels. 
 
 Aso. By Jove, I will not depart withal, whosoever 
 would give me a million. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 189 
 
 Enter Cos and Prosaites. 
 Cos. :Save you, sweet bloods ! does any of you want 
 a creature, or a dependent ? 
 
 Cri. Beshrew me, a fine blunt slave ! 
 Amo. A page of good timber ! it will now be my 
 grace to entertain him first, though I cashier him 
 again in private.^How art thou called ? 
 Cos. Cos, sir, Cos. 
 
 Cri. Cos ! how happily hath fortune furnished him 
 with a whetstone ? 
 
 Amo. I do entertain you, Cos ; conceal your quality 
 till we be private ; if your parts be worthy of me, 
 I will countenance you ; if not, catechize you. — 
 Gentles, shall we go ? 
 
 Aso. Stay, sir ; I'll but entertain this other fellow, 
 and then — I have a great humour to taste of this water 
 too, but I'll come again alone for that — mark the 
 place. — What's your name, youth ? 
 Pros. Prosaites, sir. 
 
 Aso. Prosaites ! a very fine name ; Crites, is it 
 not? 
 
 Cri. Yes, and a very ancient one, sir, the Beggar. 
 Aso. Follow me, good Prosaites ; let's talk. 
 
 \_Exeunt all but Crites. 
 Cri. He will rank even with you, ere't be long. 
 If you hold on your course. O vanity. 
 How are thy painted beauties doted on, 
 By light and empty idoits ! how pursued 
 With open and extended appetite ! 
 How they do sweat, and run themselves from breath, 
 I Raised on their toes, to catch thy airy forms. 
 
 Still turning giddy, till they reel like drunkards, 
 , That buy the merry madness of one hour 
 With the long irksomeness of following time ! 
 
igo CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act i. 
 
 how despised and base a thing is man, 
 
 If he not strive t'erect his groveUing thoughts 
 Above the strain of flesh ! but how more cheap, 
 When, ev'n his best and understanding part. 
 The crown and strength of all his faculties, 
 Floats, like a dead drowned body, on the stream 
 Of vulgar humour, mixt with common'st dregs ! 
 
 1 suffer for their guilt now, and my soul, 
 Like one that looks on ill-affected eyes, 
 
 Is hurt with mere intention on their follies. 
 
 Why will I view them then, my sense might ask me? 
 
 Or is't a rarity, or some new object. 
 
 That strains my strict observance to this point ? 
 
 O, would it were ! therein I could afford 
 
 My spirit should draw a little near to theirs. 
 
 To gaze on novelties ; so vice were one. 
 
 Tut, she is stale, rank, foul ; and were it not 
 
 That those who woo her greet her with locked eyes, 
 
 In spite of all th' impostures, paintings, drugs. 
 
 Which her bawd. Custom, dawbs her cheeks withal. 
 
 She would betray her loathed and leprous face. 
 
 And fright the enamoured dotards from themselves : 
 
 But such is the perverseness of our nature. 
 
 That if we once but fancy levity. 
 
 How antic and ridiculous soe'er 
 
 It suit with us, yet will our muffled thought 
 
 Choose rather not to see it, than avoid it : 
 
 And if we can but banish our own sense. 
 
 We act our mimic tricks with that free licence. 
 
 That lust, that pleasure, that security. 
 
 As if we practised in a paste-board case. 
 
 And no one saw the motion, but the motion. 
 
 Well, check thy passion, lest it grow too loud : 
 
 While fools are pitied, they wax fat and proud. 
 
ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 SCENE l.—The Court. 
 
 Enter Cupid and Mercury, disguised as pages. 
 
 UP. Why, this was most unexpectedly 
 followed, my divine delicate Mer- 
 cury ; by the beard of Jove, thou art 
 a precious deity. 
 
 Mer. Nay, Cupid, leave to speak 
 
 improperly ; since we are turned 
 
 cracks, let's study to be like cracks ; 
 
 practise their language and behaviours, and not with 
 
 ' a dead imitation : Act freely, carelessly, and capri- 
 
 vciously, as if our veins ran with quicksilver, and not 
 
 ° utter a phrase but what shall come forth steeped in 
 
 the very brine of conceit, and sparkle like salt in fire. 
 
 Cup. That's not every one's happiness, Hermes : 
 
 Though you can presume upon the easiness and 
 
 dexterity of your wit, you shall give me leave to be 
 
 a little jealous of mine ; and not desperately to hazard 
 
 it after your capering humour. 
 
 i Mer. Nay, then, Cupid, I think we must have you 
 hoodwinked again ; for you are grown too provident 
 since your eyes were at liberty. 
 
 Cup. Not so, Mercury, I am still blind Cupid to thee. 
 Mer. And what to the lady nymph you serve ? 
 
192 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ii. 
 
 Cup. Troth, page, boy, and sirrah : these are all my 
 titles. 
 
 Mer. Then thou hast not altered thy name, with 
 thy disguise ? 
 
 Cup. O no, that had been supererogation ; you 
 shall never hear your courtier call but by one of these 
 three. 
 
 Mer. Faith, then both our fortunes are the same. 
 
 Cup. Why, what parcel of man hast thou lighted 
 on for a master ? 
 
 Mer. Such a one as, before I begin to decipher 
 him, I dare not affirm to be anything less than a 
 courtier. So much he is during this open time of 
 revels, and would be longer, but that his means are 
 to leave him shortly after. His name is Hedon, a 
 gallant wholly consecrated to his pleasures. 
 
 Cup. Hedon ! he uses much to my lady's chamber, 
 I think. 
 
 Mer. How is she called, and then I can show thee ? 
 
 Cup. Madam Philautia. 
 
 Mer. O ay, he affects her very particularly indeed. 
 These are his graces. He doth (besides me) keep a 
 barber and a monkey ; he has a rich wrought waist- 
 coat to entertain his visitants in, with a cap almost 
 suitable. His curtains and bedding are thought to be 
 his own : his bathing-tub is not suspected. He loves 
 to have a fencer, a pedant,' and a musician seen- in his 
 lodging a-mornings. 
 
 Cup. And not a poet ? 
 
 Mer. Fie, no : himself is a rhymer, and that's 
 thought better than a poet. He is not lightly^ 
 within to his mercer, no, though he come when he 
 takes physic, which is commonly after his play. He 
 ' I.e., 3, teacher of the languages. ° Commonly, in ordinary cases. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 193 
 
 beats a tailor very well, but a stocking-seller admir- 
 ably : and so consequently any one he owes money to, 
 that dares not resist him. He never makes general 
 invitement, but against the publishing of a new suit ; 
 marry, then you shall have more drawn to his 
 lodging, than come to the launching of some three 
 ships ; especially if he be furnished with supplies for 
 the retiring of his old wardrobe from pawn : if not, he 
 does hire a stock of apparel, and some forty or fifty 
 pound in gold, for that forenoon, to show. He is 
 thought a very necessary perfume for the presence, 
 and for that only cause welcome thither : six milliners' 
 shops afford you not the like scent. He courts ladies 
 with how many great horse he hath rid that morn- 
 ing, or how oft he hath done the whole, or half the 
 pommado ' in a seven-night before : and sometimes 
 ventures so far upon the virtue of his pomander, that 
 he dares tell 'em how many shirts he has sweat at 
 tennis that week ; but wisely conceals so many dozen 
 of balls he is on the score. Here he comes, that is 
 all this. 
 
 Enter Hedon, Anaides, and Gelaia. 
 
 Hed. Boy! 
 
 Mer. Sir. 
 
 Hed. Are any of the ladies in the presence ? 
 
 Mer. None yet, sir. 
 
 Hed. Give me some gold, — more. 
 
 Ana. Is that thy boy, Hedon ? 
 
 Hed. Ay, what think'st thou of him ? 
 
 Ana. I'd geld him ; I warrant he has the philo- 
 sopher's stone. 
 
 Hed. Well said, my good melancholy devil ! sirrah, 
 
 ' Vaulting on a horse, without the aid of stirrups, by resting one 
 hand on the saddle-bow. 
 
 Jon. II. O 
 
194 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ii. 
 
 I have devised one or twd of the prettiest oaths, this 
 morning in my bed, as ever thou heard'st, to protest 
 withal in the presence. 
 
 Ana. Prithee, let's hear them. 
 
 Hed. Soft, thou'lt use them afore me. 
 
 Ana. No, d — mn me then — I have more oaths 
 than I know how to utter, by this air. 
 
 Hed. Faith, one is. By the tip of yoitr ear, sweet 
 lady. Is it not pretty, and genteel ? 
 
 Ana. Yes, for the person 'tis applied to, a lady. It 
 should be light and 
 
 Hed. Nay, the other is better, exceeds it much : 
 the invention is farther fet too. By the white valley 
 that lies between the Alpine hills of your bosom, T 
 protest 
 
 Ana, Well, you travelled for that, Hedon. 
 
 Mer. Ay, in a map, where his eyes were but blind 
 guides to his understanding, it seems. 
 
 Hed. And then I have a salutation will nick all, by 
 this caper : hay ! 
 
 Ana. How is that ? 
 
 Hed. You know I call Madam Philautia, my 
 Honour ; and she calls me, her Ambition. Now, 
 when I meet her in the presence anon, I will come to 
 her, and say. Sweet Honour, I have hitherto contented 
 my sense with the lilies of your hand, but now I will 
 taste the roses of your lip ; and withal, kiss her : to 
 which she cannot but blushing answer, Nay, now you 
 are too ambitious. And then do I reply : / cannot 
 be too Ambitious of Honour, sweet lady. Will't not 
 be good ? ha ? ha ? 
 
 Ana. O, assure your soul. 
 
 Hed. By heaven, I think 'twill be excellent ; and a 
 very politic achievement of a kiss. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 195 
 
 Ana. I have thought upon one for Moria of a 
 sudden too, if it take. 
 
 Hed. What is't, ray dear Invention ? 
 Ana. Marry, I will come to her (and she always 
 wears a muff, if you be remembered), and T will tell 
 her. Madam, your whole self cannot but be perfectly 
 wise ; for your hands have wit enough to keep them- 
 selves warm. 
 
 Hed. Now, before Jove, admirable! \Q:^'LK\^laughs.\ 
 Look, thy page takes it too. By Phcebus, my sweet 
 facetious rascal, I could eat water-gruel with thee a 
 month for this jest, my dear rogue. 
 
 Ana. O, by Hercules, 'tis your only dish ; above all 
 your potatoes or oyster-pies in the world. 
 
 Hed. I have ruminated upon a most rare wish too, 
 and the prophecy to it ; but I'll have some friend to 
 be the prophet ; as thus : I do wish myself one of my 
 mistress's cioppini.' Another demands, Why would 
 he be one of his mistress's cioppini ? a third answers, 
 Because he would make her higher : a fourth shall 
 say. That will make her proud ! arid a fifth shall 
 conclude. Then do I prophesy pride will have a fall ; — 
 and he shall give it her. 
 
 Ana. I will be your prophet. Gods so, it will be 
 most exquisite ; thou art a fine inventious rogue, 
 sirrah. 
 
 Hed. Nay, and I have poesies for rings too, and 
 riddles that they dream not of. 
 
 Ana. Tut, they'll do that, when they come to sleep 
 on them, time enough. But were thy devices never in 
 the presence yet, Hedon ? 
 Hed. O no, I disdain that. 
 
 ' A high shoe, or rather dog, worn by the Spanish and Italian 
 ladies. 
 
196 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act li. 
 
 Ana. 'Twere good we went afore then, and brought 
 them acquainted with the room where they shall act, 
 lest the strangeness of it put them out of countenance, 
 when they should come forth. 
 
 {Exeunt Hedon and Anaides. 
 
 Cup. Is that a courtier too ? 
 
 Mer. Troth, no ; he has two essential parts of the 
 courtier, pride and ignorance ; marry, the rest come 
 somewhat after the ordinary gallant. 'Tis Impudence 
 itself, Anaides ; one that speaks all that comes in his 
 cheeks, and will blush no more than a sackbut. He 
 lightly occupies the jester's room at the table, and 
 keeps laughter, Gelaia, a wench in page's attire, 
 following him in place of a squire, whom he now and 
 then tickles with some strange ridiculous stuff, uttered 
 as his land came to him, by chance. He will censure 
 or discourse of anything, but as absurdly as you would 
 wish. His fashion is not to take knowledge of him 
 that is beneath him in clothes. He never drinks 
 below the salt.^ He does naturally admire his wit 
 that wears gold lace or tissue ; stabs any man that 
 speaks more contemptibly of the scholar than he. He 
 is a great proficient in all the illiberal sciences, as 
 cheating, drinking, swaggering, whoring, and such 
 like : never kneels but to pledge healths, nor prays 
 but for a pipe of pudding-tobacco. He will blaspheme 
 in his shirt. The oaths which he vomits at one 
 supper would maintain a town of garrison in good 
 swearing a twelvemonth. One other genuine quality 
 he has which crowns all these, and that is this : to a 
 friend in want, he will not depart with the weight of 
 a soldered groat, lest the world might censure him 
 prodigal, or report him a gull : marry, to his cocka- 
 ' He never drinks to those at the lower end of the table. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 197 
 
 trice, or punquetto, half a dozen taffata gowns or satin 
 kirtles in a pair or two of months, why, they are 
 nothing. 
 
 Ctcp\ I commend him, he is one of my chents. 
 
 \They retire to the back of the stage. 
 
 Enter Amorphus, Asotus, and Cos. 
 
 Amo. Come, sir. You are now within regard of the 
 presence, and see, the privacy of this room how 
 sweetly it offers itself to our retired intendments. — 
 Page, cast a vigilant and enquiring eye about, that we 
 be not rudely surprised by the approach of some ruder 
 stranger. 
 
 Cos. I warrant you, sir. I'll tell you when the wolf 
 enters, fear nothing. 
 
 Mer. O what a mass of benefit shall we possess, in 
 being the invisible spectators of this strange show now 
 to be acted ! 
 
 Amo. Plant yourself there, sir ; and observe me. 
 You shall now, as well be the ocular, as the ear- 
 witness, how clearly I can refel that paradox, or rather 
 pseudodox, of those, which hold the face to be the 
 index of the mind, which, I assure you, is not so in 
 any politic creature : for instance ; I will now give you 
 the particular and distinct face of every your most 
 noted species of persons, as your merchant, your 
 scholar, your soldier, your lawyer, courtier, &c., and 
 each of these so truly, as you would swear, but that 
 your eye shall see the variation of the lineament, it 
 were my most proper and genuine aspect. First, for 
 your merchant, or city-face, 'tis thus ; a dull, plodding 
 face, still looking in a direct line, forward : there is no 
 great matter in this face. Then have you your 
 student's, or academic face, which is here an honest, 
 
igS CYNTHIA'S RAVELS. [ACT II. 
 
 simple, and methodical face ; but somewhat more 
 spread than the former. The third is your soldier's 
 face, a menacing and astounding face, that looks 
 broad and big : the grace of this face consisteth much 
 in a beard. The anti-face to this is your lawyer's face, 
 a contracted, subtile, and intricate face, full of quirks 
 and turnings, a labyrinthean face, now angularly, now 
 circularly, every way aspected. Next is your statist's 
 face, a serious, solemn, and supercilious face, full of 
 formal and square gravity : the eye for the most part 
 deeply and artificially shadowed : there is great judg- 
 ment required in the making of this face. But now, 
 to come to your face of faces, or courtier's face ; 'tis 
 of three sorts, according to our subdivision of a 
 courtier, elementary, practic, and theoric. Your 
 courtier theoric, is he that hath arrived to his farthest, 
 and doth now know the court rather by speculation 
 than practice ; and this is his face : a fastidious and 
 oblique face ; that looks as it went with a vice, and 
 were screwed thus. Your courtier practic, is he that 
 is yet in his path, his course, his way, and hath not 
 touched the punctilio or point of his hopes ; his face 
 is here ; a most promising, open, smooth, and over- 
 flowing face, that seems as it would run and pour 
 itself into you : somewhat a northerly face. Your 
 courtier elementary, is one but newly entered, or as 
 it were in the alphabet, or ut-re-mi-fa-sol-la of court- 
 ship. Note well this face, for it is this you must 
 practise. 
 
 Aso. I'll practise them all, if you please, sir. 
 
 Amo. Ay, hereafter you may : and it will not be 
 altogether an ungrateful study. For, let your soul be 
 assured of this, in any rank or profession whatever, 
 the more general or major part of opinion goes with 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 199 
 
 the face, and simply respects nothing else. Therefore, 
 if that can be made exactly, curiously, exquisitely, 
 thoroughly, it is enough : but for the present you 
 shall only apply yourself to this face of the elementary 
 courtier, a light, revelling, and protesting face, now 
 blushing, now smiling, which you may help much 
 with a wanton wagging of your head, thus, (a feather 
 will teach you,) or with kissing your finger that hath 
 the ruby, or playing with some string of your band, 
 which is a most quaint kind of melancholy besides : 
 or, if among ladies, laughing loud, and crying up your 
 own wit, though perhaps borrowed, it is not amiss. 
 Where is your page ? call for your casting- bottle, and 
 place your mirror in your hat, as I told you : so ! 
 Come, look not pale, observe me, set your face, and 
 enter. 
 
 Mer. O for some excellent painter, to have taken 
 the copy of all these faces ! \_Astde, 
 
 Aso. Prosaites ! 
 
 Amo. Fie ! I premonish you of that : in the court, 
 boy , lacquey, or sirra h. 
 
 Cos. Master, lupus in . O, 'tis Prosaites. 
 
 Enter Prosaites. 
 
 Aso. Sirrah, prepare my casting-bottle ; I think I 
 must be enforced to purchase me another page ; you 
 see how at hand Cos waits here. 
 
 \_Exeunt Amorphus, Asotus, Cos, and Prosaites. 
 
 Mer. So will he too, in time. 
 
 Cup. What's he. Mercury ? 
 
 Mer. A notable smelt.' One that hath newly 
 entertained the beggar to follow him, but cannot get 
 
 ' The quarto reads finch. Smelt, like gtidgemi, is used by our 
 old writers for a gull, a simpleton. 
 
200 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ii. 
 
 him to wait near enough. 'Tis Asotus, the heir of 
 Philargyrus ; but first I'll give ye the other's character, 
 which may make his the clearer. He that is with 
 \ him is Amorphus, a traveller, o ne so made out of the 
 / mixture of shreds of forms, that himself is truly 
 deformed. He walks most commonly with a clove 
 or pick-tooth in his mouth, he is the very mint of 
 compliment, all his behaviours are printed, his face 
 is another vaLuia£_of_ essays, and his beard is an 
 Aristarchus. He speaks all cream-skimmed, and 
 more affected than a dozen waiting-women. He is 
 his own promoter in every place. The wife of the 
 ordinary gives him his diet to maintain her table in 
 discourse ; which, indeed, is a mere tyranny over her 
 other guests, for he will usurp all the talk : ten con- 
 stables are not so tedious. He is no great shifter ; 
 once a year his apparel is ready to revolt. He doth 
 use much to arbitrate quarrels, and fights himself, 
 exceeding well, out at a window. He will lie cheaper 
 than any beggar, and louder than most clocks : for 
 which he is right properly accommodated to the 
 Whetstpne, his pageH The other gallant is his Zany, 
 and doth most of these tricks after him ; sweats to 
 imitate him in everything to a hair, except a beard, 
 which is not yet extant. He doth learn to make 
 strange sauces, to eat anchovies, maccaroni, bovioli, 
 fagioli,' and cavaire, because he loves them ; speaks as 
 he speaks, looks, walks, goes so in clothes and fashion : 
 is in all as if he were moulded of him. Marry, before 
 they met, he had other very pretty sufficiencies, which 
 yet he retains some light impression of ; as frequent- 
 ing a dancing school, and grievously torturing 
 
 " Bovioli were snails, or rather cockles ; and fagioli, French 
 beans. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 201 
 
 Strangers with inquisition after his grace in his 
 galHard. He buys a fresh acquaintance at any rate. 
 His eyes and his raiment confer much together as he 
 goes in the street. He treads nicely Hke the fellow 
 that walks upon ropes, especially the first Sunday of 
 his silk stockings ; and when he is most neat and new, 
 you shall strip him with commendations. 
 
 Cup. Here comes another. 
 
 \Q,^i't^% passes over the stage. 
 
 Mer. Ay, but one of another strain, Cupid ; this 
 fellow weighs somewhat. 
 
 Cup. His name, Hermes ? 
 
 Mer. Crites. A creature of a most perfect and 
 divine temper : one in whom the humours and 
 elements are peacefully met, without emialation of 
 precedency ; he is neitheFtoo fantastically melancholy, 
 too slowly phlegmatic, too lightly sanguine, or too 
 rashly choleric ; but in all so composed and ordered, 
 as it is clear Nature went about some full work, she 
 did more than make a man when she made him. His 
 discourse is like his behaviour, uncommon, but not 
 unpleasing ; he is prodigal of neither. He strives 
 rather to be that which men call judicious, than to 
 be thought so ; and is so truly learned, that he affects 
 not to show it. He will think and speak his thoughts 
 both freely ; but as distant from depraving another 
 man's merit, as proclaiming his own. For his valour, 
 'tis such that he dares as little to offer an injury as 
 receive one. In sum, he hath a most ingenuous and 
 sweet spirit, a sharp and seasoned wit, a straight 
 judgment and a strong mind. Fortune could never 
 break him, nor make him less. He counts it his 
 pleasure to despise pleasures, and is more delighted 
 with good deeds than goods. It is a competency to 
 
202 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ii. 
 
 him that he can be virtuous. He doth neither covet 
 nor fear ; he hath too much reason to do either ; and 
 that commends all things to him. 
 
 Cup. Not better than Mercury commends him. 
 
 Mer. O, Cupid, 'tis beyond my deity to give him 
 his due praises : I could leave my place in heaven to 
 live among mortals,' so I were sure to be no other 
 than he. 
 
 Cup. 'Slight, I believe he is your minion, you seem 
 to be so ravished with him. 
 
 Mer. He's one I would not have a wry thought 
 darted against, willingly. 
 
 Cup. No, but a straight shaft in his bosom I'll 
 promise him, if T am Cytherea's son. 
 
 Mer. Shall we go, Cupid ? 
 
 Cup. Stay, and see the ladies now : they'll come 
 presently. I'll help to paint them. 
 
 Mer. What, lay colour upon colour ! that affords 
 but an ill blazon. 
 
 Cup. Here comes metal to help it, the Lady 
 Argurion. [Argurion passes over the stage. 
 
 Mer. Money, money. 
 
 Cup. The same. A nymph of a most wandering 
 and giddy disposition, humorous as the air, she'll run 
 from gallant to gallant, as they sit at primero in the 
 presence, most strangely, and seldom stays with any. 
 She spreads as she goes. To-day you shall have her 
 look as clear and fresh as the morning, and to-morrow 
 as melancholic as midnight. She takes special 
 pleasure in a close obscure lodging, and for that 
 cause visits the city so often, where she has many 
 secret true concealing favourites. When she comes 
 abroad, she's more loose and scattering than dust, and 
 will fly from place to place, as she were wrapped with 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 203 
 
 a whirlwind. Your young student, for the most part, 
 she affects not, only salutes him, and away : a poet, 
 nor a philosopher, she is hardly brought to take any 
 notice of ; no, though he be some part of an alche- 
 mist. She loves a player well, and a lawyer infinitely ; 
 but your fool above all. She can do much in court 
 for the obtaining of any suit whatsoever, no door but 
 flies open to her, her presence is above a charm. The 
 worst in her is want of keepings state, and too much ' 
 descending into inferior and base offices ; she's for 
 any coarse employment you will put upon her, as to 
 be your procurer, or pander. 
 
 Mer. Peace, Cupid, here comes more work for you, 
 another character or two. 
 
 Enter Phantaste, Moria, and Philautia. 
 
 Phan. Stay, sweet Philautia, I'll but change my 
 fan, and go presently. 
 
 Mor. Now, in very good serious, ladies, I will have 
 this order reversed, the presence must be better main- 
 tained from you : a quarter past eleven, and ne'er a 
 nymph in prospective ! Beshrew my hand, there 
 must be a reformed discipline. Is that your new 
 ruff, sweet lady-bird ? By my truth, 'tis most intri- 
 cately rare. 
 
 Mer. Good Jove, what reverend gentlewoman in 
 years might this be ? 
 
 Cup. 'Tis Madam Moria, guardian of the nymphs ; 
 one that is not now to be persuaded of her wit ; she 
 will think herself wise against all the judgments that 
 come. A lady made all of voice and air, talks any- 
 thing of anything. She is like one of your ignorant 
 poetasters of the time, who, when they have got 
 acquainted with a strange word, never rest till they 
 
204 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ii. 
 
 have wrung it in, though it loosen the whole fabric of 
 their sense. 
 
 Mer. That was pretty and sharply noted, Cupid. 
 
 Cup. She will tell you, Philosophy was a fine 
 reveller, when she was young, and a gallant, and that 
 then, though she say it, she was thought to be the 
 dame Dido and Helen of the court : as also, what a 
 sweet dog she had this time four years, and how it 
 was called Fortune ; and that, if the Fates had not cut 
 his thread, he had been a dog to have given enter- 
 tainment to any gallant in this kingdom ; and unless 
 she had whelped it herself, she could not have loved 
 a thing better in this world. 
 
 Mer. O, I prithee no more, I am full of her. 
 
 Cup. Yes, I must needs tell you she composes a 
 sack-posset well ; and would court a young page 
 sweetly, but that her breath is against it. 
 
 Mer. Now, her breath or something more strong 
 protect me from her ! The other, the other, 
 Cupid ? 
 
 Cup. O, that's my lady and mistress, Madam 
 Philautia. She admires not herself for any one par- 
 ticularity, but for all : she is fair, and she knows it ; 
 she has a pretty light wit too, and she knows it ; she 
 can dance, and she knows that too ; play at shuttle- 
 cock, and that too : no quality she has, but she shall 
 take a very particular knowledge of, and most lady- 
 like commend it to you. You shall have her at any 
 time read you the history of herself, and very subtilely 
 run over another lady's sufficiencies to come to her 
 own. She has a good superficial judgment in paint- 
 ing, and would seem to have so in poetry. A most 
 complete lady in the opinion of some three beside 
 herself. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 205 
 
 Phi. Faith, how Uked you my quip to Hedon,, about 
 the garter ? Was't not witty ? 
 
 Mor. Exceeding witty and integrate : you did so 
 aggravate the jest withal. 
 
 Phi. And did I not dance movingly the last 
 night ? 
 
 Mor. Movingly ! out of measure, in troth, sweet 
 charge. 
 
 Mer. A happy commendation, to dance out of 
 measure ! 
 
 Mor. Save only you wanted the swim in the turn : 
 
 O ! when I was at fourteen 
 
 ' Phi. Nay, that's mine own from any nymph in the 
 court, I'm sure on't ; therefore you mistake me in 
 that, guardian : both the swim and the trip are pro- 
 perly mine ; everybody will affirm it that has any 
 judgment in dancing, I assure you. 
 
 Pha. Come now, Philautia. I am for you ; shall 
 we go ? 
 
 Phi. Ay, good Phan taste. What ! have you changed 
 your head-tire ? 
 
 Pha. Yes, faith, the other was so near the common, 
 it had no extraordinary grace ; besides, I had worn it 
 almost a day, in good troth. 
 
 Phi. I'll be sworn, this is most excellent for the 
 device, and rare ; 'tis after the Italian print we looked 
 on t'other night. 
 
 Pha. 'Tis so : by this fan, I cannot abide anything 
 that savours the poor over-worn cut, that has any 
 kindred with it ; I must have variety, I : this mixing 
 in fashion, I hate it worse than to burn juniper in my 
 chamber, I protest. 
 
 Phi. And yet we cannot have a new peculiar court- 
 tire, but these retaimers will have it ; these suburb 
 
2o6 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [ACT ii. 
 
 Sunday-waiters ; these courtiers for high days ; I know 
 not what I should call 'em 
 
 Pha. O, ay, they do most pitifully imitate ; but I 
 have a tire a coming, i' faith, shall 
 
 Mor. In good certain, madam, it makes you look 
 most heavenly ; but, lay your hand on your heart, you 
 never skinned a new beauty more prosperously in your 
 life, nor more metaphysically : look, good lady ; sweet 
 lady, look. 
 
 Phi. 'Tis very clear and well, believe me. But if 
 you had seen mine yesterday, when 'twas young, you 
 would have^ -Who's your doctor, Phantaste ? 
 
 Pha. Nay, that's counsel, Philautia ; you shall par- 
 don me : yet I'll assure you he's the most dainty, 
 sweet, absolute, rare man of the whole college. O ! 
 his very looks, his discourse, his behaviour, all he does 
 is physic, I protest. 
 
 Phi. For heaven's sake, his name, good dear Phan- 
 taste. 
 
 Pha. No, no, no, no, no, no, believe me, not for 
 a million of heavens : I will not make him cheap. 
 
 Fie 
 
 \_Exeunt Phantaste, Moria, and Philautia. 
 
 Cup. There is a nymph too of a most curious and 
 elaborate strain, light, all motion, an ubiquitary, she 
 is everywhere, Phantaste 
 
 Mer. Her very name speaks her, let her pass. But 
 are these, Cupid, the stars of Cynthia's court ? Do 
 these nymphs attend upon Diana ? 
 
 Cup. They are in her court. Mercury, but not as 
 stars ; these never come in the presence of Cynthia. 
 The nymphs that make her train are the divine Arete, 
 Time, Phronesis, Thauma, and others of that high 
 sort. These are privately brought in by Moria in this 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 207 
 
 licentious time, against her knowledge : and, like so 
 many meteors, will vanish when she appears. 
 
 Enter Prosaites, singings followed by Gelaia and 
 Cos, with bottles. 
 " Come follow me, my wags, and say, as I say. 
 
 There's no riches but in rags, hey day, hey day : 
 
 You that profess this art, come away, come away, 
 
 And help to bear a part. Hey day, hey day,'' fo'c. 
 [Mercury and Cupid come forward. 
 
 Mer. What, those that were our fellow pages but 
 now, so soon preferred to be yeomen of the bottles ! 
 The mystery, the mystery, good wags ? 
 
 Cup. Some diet-drink they have the guard of. 
 
 Pro. No, sir, we are going in quest of a strange 
 fountain, lately found out. 
 
 CuJ). By whom ? 
 
 Cos. My master, or the great discoverer, Amorphus. 
 
 Mer. Thou hast well intitled him, Cos, for he will 
 discover all he knows. 
 
 Gel. Ay, and a little more too, when the spirit is 
 upon him. 
 
 Pro. O, the good travelling gentleman yonder has 
 caused such a drought in the presence, with reporting 
 the wonders of this new water, that all the ladies and 
 gallants lie languishing upon the rushes, like so many 
 pounded cattle in the midst of harvest, sighing one to 
 another, and gasping, as if each of them expected a 
 cock from the fountain to be brought into his mouth ; 
 and without we return quickly, they are all, as a youth 
 would say, no better than a few trouts cast ashore, or 
 a dish of eels in a sand-bag. 
 
 Mer. Well, then, you were best dispatch, and have 
 a care of them. Come, Cupid, thou and I'll go peruse 
 this dry wonder. \_Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE THIRD. 
 
 SCENE I. — An Apartment at the Court. 
 
 Enter Amorphus and AsoTus. 
 
 IMO. Sir, let not this discounten- 
 ance or disgallant you a whit ; 
 you must not sink under the first 
 disaster. It is with your young 
 grammatical courtier, as with your 
 neophyte player, a thing usual to 
 be daunted at the first presence 
 or interview : you saw, there was Hedon, and Anaides, 
 far more practised gallants than yourself, who were 
 both out, to comfort you. It is no disgrace, no more 
 than for your adventurous reveller to fall by some 
 inauspicious chance in his galliard, or for some subtile 
 politic to undertake the bastinado, that the state 
 might think worthily of him, and respect him as a 
 man well beaten to the world. What ! hath your 
 tailor provided the property we spake of at your 
 chamber, or no ? 
 Aso. I think he has. 
 
 Amo. Nay, I intreat you, be not so flat and melan- 
 cholic. Erect your mind : you shall redeem this with 
 the courtship I will teach you against the afternoon. 
 Where eat you to-day ? 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 209 
 
 Aso. Where you please, sir ; anywhere, I. 
 
 Amo. Come, let us go and taste some light dinner, 
 a dish of sliced caviare, or so ; and after, you shall 
 practise an hour at your lodging gome few forms that 
 I have recalled. If you had but so far gathered your 
 spirits to you, as to have taken up a rush when you 
 were out, and wagged it thus, or cleansed your teeth 
 with it ; or but turned aside, and feigned some busi- 
 ness to whisper with your page, till you had recovered 
 yourself, or but found some slight stain in your stock- 
 ing, or any other pretty invention, so it had been 
 sudden, you might have come off with a most clear 
 and courtly grace. 
 
 Aso. A poison of all ! I think I was forespoke, I. 
 
 Amo. No, I must, tell you, you are not audacious 
 enough ; you must frequent ordinaries a month more, 
 to initiate yourself : in which time, it will not be 
 amiss, if, in private, you keep good your acquaintance 
 with Crites, or some other of his poor coat ; visit his 
 lodging secretly and often ; become an earnest suitor 
 to hear some of his labours. 
 
 Aso. O Jove ! sir, I could never get him to read a 
 line to me. 
 
 Amo. You must then wisely mix yourself in rank 
 with such as you know can ; and, as your ears do 
 meet with a new phrase, or an acute jest, take it in : a 
 quick nimble memory will lift it away, and) at your 
 next public meal, it is your own. 
 
 Aso. But I shall never utter it perfectly, sir. 
 
 Amo. No matter, let it come lame. In ordinary 
 talk you shall play it away, as you do your light 
 crowns at primero : it will pass. 
 
 Aso. I shall attempt, sir. 
 
 Amo. Do. It is your shifting age for wit, and, I 
 Jon. ir. p 
 
2IO CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act hi. 
 
 assure you, men must be prudent. After this you may 
 to court, and there fall in, first with the waiting-woman, 
 then with the lady. Put case they do retain you there, 
 as a fit property, to hire coaches some pair of months, 
 or so ; or to read them asleep in afternoons upon some 
 pretty pamphlet, to breathe you ; why, it shall in time 
 embolden you to some farther achievement : in the 
 interim, you may fashion yourself to be careless and 
 impudent. 
 
 Aso. How if they would have me to make verses ? 
 I heard Hedon spoke to for some. 
 
 Amo. Why, you must prove the aptitude of your 
 genius ; if you find none, you must hearken out a vein, 
 and buy ; provided you pay for the silence as for the 
 work, then you may securely call it your own. 
 
 Aso. Yes, and I'll give out my acquaintance with all 
 the best writers, to countenance me the more. 
 
 Amo. Rather seem not to know them, it is your 
 best. Ay, be wise, that you never so much as mention 
 the name of one, nor remember it mentioned ; but if 
 they be offered to you in discourse, shake your light 
 head, make between a sad and a smiling face, pity 
 some, rail at all, and commend yourself : 'tis your only 
 safe and unsuspected course. Come, you shall look 
 back upon the court again to-day, and be restored to 
 your colours : I do now partly aim at the cause of your 
 repulse — which was ominous indeed — for as you enter 
 at the door, there is opposed to you the frame of a 
 wolf in the hangings, which, surprising your eye sud- 
 denly, gave a false alarm to the heart ; and that was 
 it called your blood out of your face, and so routed 
 the whole rank of your spirits : I beseech you labour 
 to forget it. And remember, as I inculcated to you 
 before, for yojir comfort, Hedon and Anaides. \Bxeunt. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 211 
 
 SCENE II. — Another Apartment in the same. 
 
 Enter Hedon and Anaides. 
 
 Hed. Heart, was there ever so prosperous an inven- 
 tion thus unluckily perverted and spoiled by a whore- 
 son bookworm, a candle-waster ? 
 
 Ana. Nay, be not impatient, Hedon. 
 
 Hed. 'Slight, I would fain know his name. 
 
 Ana. Hang him, poor grogran rascal ! prithee think 
 not of him : I'll send for him to my lodging, and have 
 him blanketed when thou wilt, man. 
 
 Hed. Ods so, I would thou couldst. Look, here he 
 comes. 
 
 Enter Crites, and -walks in a musing posture at the 
 back of the stage. 
 
 Laugh at him, laugh at him ; ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Ana. Fough ! he smells all lamp-oi] with studying 
 by candle-light. 
 
 Hed. How confidently he went by us, and carelessly ! 
 Never moved, nor stirred at anything ! Did you 
 observe him ? 
 
 Ana. Ay, a pox on him, let him go, dormouse : he 
 is in a dream now. He has no other time to sleep, 
 but thus when he walks abroad to take the air. 
 
 Hed. 'Sprecious, this afflicts me more than all the 
 rest, that we should so particularly direct our hate and 
 contempt against him, and he to carry it thus Avithout 
 wound or passion ! 'tis insufferable. 
 
 Ana. 'Slid, my dear Envy, if thou but say'st the 
 word now, I'll undo him eternally for thee. 
 
 Hed. How, sweet Anaides ? 
 
 Ana. Marry, half a score of us get him in, one night, 
 and make him pawn bis wit for a supper. 
 
212 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act hi. 
 
 Had. Away, thou hast such unseasonable jests ! By 
 this heaven, I wonder at nothing more than our 
 gentlemen ushers, that will suffer a piece of serge or 
 perpetuana to come into the presence : methinks they 
 should, out of their experience, better distinguish the 
 silken disposition of courtiers, than to let such terrible 
 "coarse rags mix with us, able to fret any smooth or 
 gentle society to the threads with their rubbing 
 devices. 
 
 Ana. Unless 'twere Lent, Ember-weeks, or fasting- 
 days, when the place is most penuriously empty of all 
 other good outsides. D n me, if I should adven- 
 ture on his company once more, without a suit of bulF 
 to defend my wit ! he does nothing but stab, the slave ! 
 How mischievously he crossed thy device of the pro- 
 phecy there ? and Moria, she comes without her muff 
 too, and there my invention was lost. 
 
 Hed. Well, I am resolved what I'll do. 
 
 Ana. What, my good spirituous spark ? 
 
 Hed. Marry, speak all the venom I can of him ; and 
 poison his reputation in every place where I come. 
 
 Ana. 'Fore God, most courtly. 
 
 Hed. And if I chance to be present where any 
 question is made of his sufficiencies, or if anything he 
 hath done private or public, I'll censure it slightly and 
 ridiculously. 
 
 Alia. At any hand beware of that ; so thou mayst 
 draw thine own judgment in suspect. No,'I'll instruct 
 thee what thou shalt do, and by a safer means: 
 approve anything thou hearest of his, to the received 
 opinion of it ; but if it be extraordinary, give it from 
 him to some other whom thou more particularly 
 affect'st ; that's the way to plague him, and he shall 
 never come to defend himself. 'Slud, I'll give out all 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 213 
 
 he does is dictated from other men, and swear it too, 
 if thou'lt have me, and that I know the time and place 
 where he stole it, though my soul be guilty of no such 
 thing ; and that I think, out of my heart, he hates 
 such barren shifts : yet to do thee a pleasure, and him 
 a disgrace, I'll damn myself, or do anything. 
 
 Hed. Gramercy, my dear devil ; we'll put it seriously 
 in practice, i' faith. \_Exeunt Hedon and Anaides. 
 
 Crt. [coming forward. '\ Do, good Detraction, do, 
 and I the while ^-^-^^ 
 
 Shall shake thy spite oif with a careless smile. 
 Poor piteous gallants ! what lean idle slights 
 Their thoughts suggest to flatter their starved hopes 1 
 As if I knew not how to entertain 
 These straw-devices ; but of force must yield 
 To the weak stroke of their calumnious tongues. 
 What should I care what every dor doth buz 
 In credulous ears ? It is a crown to me 
 That the best judgments can report me wronged ; 
 Them liars, and their slanders impudent. 
 Perhaps, upon the rumour of their speeches, 
 Some grieved friend will whisper to me ; Crites, 
 ■Men speak ill of thee. So they be ill men, 
 If they spake worse, 'twere better : for of such 
 To be dispraised, is the most perfect praise. 
 What can his censure hurt me whom the world 
 Hath censured vile before me ! If good Chrestus, 
 Euthus, or Phronimus, had spoke the words, 
 They would have moved me, and I should have called 
 My thoughts and actions to a strict account 
 Upon the hearing : but when I remember, 
 'Tis Hedon and Anaides, alas, then, 
 I think but what they are, and am not stirred. 
 The one a light voluptuous reveller, 
 
214 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act hi. 
 
 The other, a strange arrogating pufF, 
 Both impudent, and ignorant enough ; 
 That talk as they are wont, not as I merit : 
 Traduce by custom, as most dogs do bark. 
 Do nothing out of judgment, but disease, 
 Speak ill, because they never could speak well. 
 And who'd be angry with this race of creatures ? 
 What wise physician have we ever seen 
 Moved with a frantic man ? the same affects ^ 
 That he doth bear to his sick patient. 
 Should a right mind carry to such as these : 
 And T do count it a most rare revenge, 
 That I can thus, with such a sweet neglect. 
 Pluck from them all the pleasure of their malice, 
 For that's the mark of all their enginous drifts. 
 To wound my patience, howsoe'er they seem 
 To aim at other objects ; which if missed, 
 Their envy's like an arrow shot upright. 
 That, in the fall, endangers their own heads. 
 
 Enter Arete. 
 
 Are. What, Crites ! where have you drawn forth 
 the day, 
 You have not visited your jealous friends ? 
 
 Cri. Where I have seen, most honoured Arete, 
 The strangest pageant, fashioned like a court, 
 (At least I dreamt I saw it) so diffused. 
 So painted, pied, and full of rainbow strains. 
 As never yet, either by time, or place. 
 Was made the food to my distasted sense : 
 Nor can my weak imperfect memory 
 Now render halfthe forms unto my tongue, 
 That were convolved within this thrifty room. 
 
 ' I.e., affections, dispositions. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. arj 
 
 • Here stalks me by a proud and spangled sir, 
 That looks three handfuls higher than his foretop ; 
 Savours himself alone, is only kind 
 And loving to himself ; one that will speak 
 More dark and doubtful than six oracles ; 
 Salutes a friend, as if he had a stitch ; 
 Is his own chronicle, and scarce can eat 
 For registring himself ; is waited on 
 By mimics, jesters, panders, parasites. 
 And other such like prodigies of men. 
 He past, appears some mincing marmoset 
 Made all of clothes and face ; his limbs so set 
 As if they had some voluntary act 
 Without man's motion, and must move just so 
 In spite of their creation : one that weighs 
 His breath between his teeth, and dares not smile 
 Beyond a point, for fear t'unstarch his look ; 
 Hath travelled to make legSj and seen the cringe 
 Of several courts, and courtiers ; knows the time 
 Of giving titles, and of taking walls ; 
 Hath read court-common-places ; made them his : 
 Studied the grammar of state, and all the rules 
 Each formal usher in that politic school 
 Can teach a man. A third comes, giving nods 
 To his repenting creditors, protests 
 To weeping suitors, takes the coming gold 
 Of insolent and base ambition, 
 That hourly rubs his dry and itchy palms ; 
 Which griped, like burning coals, he hurls away 
 Into the laps of bawds, and buffoons' mouths. 
 With him there meets some subtle Proteus, one 
 Can change, and vary with all forms he sees ; 
 Be anything but honest ; serves the time ; 
 Hovers betwixt two factions, and explores 
 
2i6 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iir. 
 
 The drifts of both ; which, with cross face, he bears 
 
 To the divided heads, and is received 
 
 With mutual grace of either : one that dares 
 
 Do deeds worthy the hurdle or the wheel, 
 
 To be thought somebody : and is in sooth 
 
 Such as the satirist points truly forth. 
 
 That only to his crimes owes all his worth. 
 
 Are. You tell us wonders, Crites. 
 
 Crt. This is nothing. 
 There stands a neophite glazing of his face, 
 Pruning his clothes, perfuming of his hair. 
 Against his idol enters ; and repeats, 
 Like an unperfect prologue, at third music, 
 His part of speeches, and confederate jests. 
 In passion to himself. Another swears 
 His scene of courtship over ; bids, believe him. 
 Twenty times ere they will ; anon, doth seem 
 As he would kiss away his hand in kindness ; 
 Then walks off melancholic, and stands wreathed. 
 As he were pinned up to the arras, thus. 
 A third is most in action, swims and frisks, 
 Plays with his mistress's paps, salutes her pumps. 
 Adores her hems, her skirts, her knots, her curls. 
 Will spend his patrimony for a garter. 
 Or the least feather in her bounteous fan. 
 A fourth, he only comes in for a mute ; 
 Divides the act with a dumb show, and exit. 
 Then must the ladies laugh, straight comes their 
 
 scene, 
 A sixth times worse confusion than the rest. 
 Where you shall hear oneiialk of this man's eye. 
 Another of his lip, a third, his nose, 
 A fourth commend his leg, a fifth, his foot, 
 A sixth, his hand, and every one a limb ; 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 217 
 
 That you would think the poor distorted gallant 
 Must there expire. Then fall they in discourse 
 Of tires and fashions, how they must take place, 
 Where they may kiss, and whom, when to sit down. 
 And with what grace to rise ; if they salute. 
 What court'sy they must use : such cobweb stuff 
 As would enforce the common'st sense abhor 
 Th' Arachnean workers. 
 
 Are. Patience, gentle Crites. 
 This knot of spiders will be soon dissolved, 
 And all their webs swept out of Cynthia's court, 
 When once her glorious deity appears, 
 And but presents itself in her full light : 
 Till when, go in, and spend your hours with us, 
 Your honoured friends, Time and Phronesis, ~' 
 In contemplation of our goddess' name. 
 Think on some sweet and choice invention now, 
 Worthy her serious and illustrious eyes, 
 That from the merit of it we may take 
 Desired occasion to prefer your worth. 
 And make your service known to Cynthia. 
 It is the pride of Arete to grace 
 Her studious lovers ; and, in scorn of time. 
 Envy, and ignorance, to lift their state 
 Above a vulgar height. True happiness 
 Consists not in the multitude of friends, 
 But in the worth and choice. Nor would I have 
 Virtue a popular regard pursue : 
 Let them be good that love me, though but few. 
 
 Cri. I kiss thy hands, divinest Arete, 
 And vow myself to thee and Cynthia. \_Exeunt. 
 
2i8 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act III. 
 
 SCENE III. — Another Apartment in the same. 
 
 Enter Amorphus, /ottowed by AsoTus and his Tailor. 
 Amo. A little more forward : so, sir. Now go in, 
 discloak yourself, and come forth. \^Exit AsoTus. 
 Tailor, bestow thy absence upon us ; and be not prodigal 
 of this secret, but to a dear customer. \Exit Tailor. 
 
 Re-enter AsoTus. 
 
 'Tis well entered, sir. Stay, you come on too fast ; 
 your pace is too impetuous. Imagine this to be the 
 palace of your pleasure, or place where your lady is 
 "pleased to be seen. First, you present yourself, thus : 
 and spying her, you fall off, and walk some two turns ; 
 in which time, it is to be supposed, your passion hath 
 sufficiently whited your face, then, stifling a sigh or 
 two, and closing your lips, with a trembling boldness, 
 and bold terror, you advance yourself forward. Prove 
 thus much, I pray you. 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir ; — pray Jove I can light on it ! Here, 
 I come in, you say, and present myself ? 
 
 Amo. Good. 
 
 Aso. And then I spy her, and walk off"? 
 
 Amo. Very good. 
 
 Aso. Now, sir, I stifle, and advance forward ? 
 
 Amo. Trembling. 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir, trembling : I shall do it better when 
 I come to it. And what must I speak now ? 
 
 Amo. Marry, you shall say : " Dear Beauty," or 
 " Sweet Honour," (or by what other title you please 
 to remember her), " methinks you are melancholy." 
 This is, if she be alone now, and discompanied. 
 
 Aso. Well, sir, I'll enter again ; her title shall be, 
 " My dear Lindabrides." 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 219 
 
 Amo. .Lindabrides ! 
 
 Aso. Ay, sir, the Emperor Alicandroe's daughter, 
 and the Prince Meridian's sister, in The Knight of the 
 Sun; she should have been married to him, but that 
 the Princess Claridiana 
 
 Amo. O, you betray your reading. 
 
 Aso. Nay, sir, I have read history, I am a Httle 
 humanitian. Interrupt me not, good sir. " My dear 
 Lindabrides, — my dear Lindabrides, — my dear Linda- 
 - brides, methinks you are melancholy." 
 
 Amo. Ay, and take her by the rosy-fingered hand. 
 
 Aso. Must I so : O ! — " My dear Lindabrides, me- 
 thinks you are melancholy." 
 
 Anio. Or thus, sir. '' All variety of divine pleasures, 
 choice sports, sweet music, rich fare, brave attire, 
 soft beds, and silken thoughts, attend this dear 
 beauty." 
 
 Aso. Believe me, that's pretty. " All variety of 
 divine pleasures, choice sports, sweet music, rich fare, 
 brave attire, soft beds, and silken thoughts, attend 
 this dear beauty." 
 
 Amo. And then, offering to kiss her hand, if she 
 shall coyly recoil, and signify your repulse ; you are 
 to re-enforce yourself with him, 
 
 " More than most fair lady. 
 Let not the rigour of your just disdain 
 Thus coarsely censure of your servant's zeal." 
 
 And withal, protest her to be the only and absolute 
 unparalleled creature you do adore, and admire, and 
 respect, and reverence, in this court, corner of the 
 world, or kingdom. 
 
 Aso. This is hard, by my faith. I'll begin it all 
 again. 
 
220 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act hi. 
 
 Amo. Do so, and I will act it for your lady* 
 
 Aso. Will you vouchsafe, sir ? " All variety of 
 divine pleasures, choice sports, sweet music, rich fare, 
 brave attire, soft beds, and silken thoughts, attend this 
 dear beauty." 
 
 Amo. So, sir, pray you away. 
 
 Aso. " More than most fair lady, 
 
 Let not the rigour of your just disdain 
 
 Thus coarsely censure of your servant's zeal ; 
 I protest you are the only, and absolutej_unap- 
 
 _2ai^lled- " ""^ 
 
 ' Amo. U nparalleled . 
 
 Aso. " Unparalleled creature, I do adore, and admire, 
 and respect, and reverence, in this court, corner of the 
 world, or kingdom." 
 
 Amo. This is, if she abide you. But now, put the 
 case she should be passant when you enter, as thus : 
 you are to frame your gait thereafter, and call upon 
 her, " lady, nymph, sweet refuge, star of our court." 
 Then, if she be guardant, here ; you are to come on, 
 and, laterally disposing yourself, swear by her blushing 
 and well-coloured cheek, the bright dye of her hair, 
 her ivory teeth (though they be ebony), or some such 
 white and innocent oath, to induce you. If regardant, 
 then maintain your station, brisk and irpe, show the 
 supple motion of your pliant body, but in chief of 
 your knee, and hand, which cannot but arride her 
 proud humour exceedingly. 
 
 Aso. I conceive you, sir, I shall perform all these 
 things in good time, I doubt not, they do so hit me. 
 
 Amo. Well, sir, I am your lady ; make use of any 
 of these beginnings, or some other out of your own 
 invention ; and prove how you can hold up, and 
 follow it. Say, say. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 221 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir. " My dear Lindabrides." 
 
 Amo. No, you affect that Lindabrides too much ; 
 and let me tell you it is not so courtly. Your pedant 
 should provide you some parcels of French, or some 
 pretty commodity of Italian, to commence with, if you 
 would be exotic and exquisite. 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir, he was at my lodging t'other morning, 
 I gave him a doublet. 
 
 Amo. Doiible your benevolence, and give him the 
 hose too ; clothe you his body, he will help to 
 apparel your mind. But now, see what your proper 
 genius can perform alone, without adjection of any 
 other Minerva. 
 
 Aso. I comprehend you, sir. 
 
 Amo. I do stand you, sir: fall back to your first 
 place. Good, passing well ; very properly pursued. 
 
 Aso. " Beautiful, ambiguous, and sufficient lady, 
 what ! are you all alone ? " 
 
 Amo. " We would be, sir, if you would leave us." 
 
 Aso. " I am at your beauty's appointment, bright 
 angel ; but " 
 
 Amo. " What but ? " 
 
 Aso. " No harm, more than most fair feature." 
 
 Amo. That touch relished well. 
 
 Aso. " But, I protest " 
 
 Amo. " And why should you protest ? " 
 
 Aso. " For good will, dear esteemed madam, and 
 I hope your ladyship will so conceive of it : 
 
 ' And will, in time, return from your disdain. 
 And rue the suff'rance of our friendly pain.' " 
 
 Amo. O, that piece was excellent ! If you could 
 pick out more of these play-particles, and, as occasion 
 
222 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act ill. 
 
 shall salute you, embroider or damask your discourse 
 with them, persuade your soul, it v/ould most 
 judiciously commend you. Come, this was a well- 
 discharged and auspicious bout. Prove the second. 
 
 Aso. " Lady, I cannot ruffle it in red and yellow." 
 
 Amo. " Why, if you can revel it in white, sir, 'tis 
 sufficient." 
 
 Aso. " Say you so, sweet lady ! Lan, tede, de, de, 
 de, dant, dant, dant, dante. \Sings and dances.'} No, 
 in good faith, madam, whosoever told your ladyship 
 so, abused you ; but I would be glad to meet your 
 ladyship in a measure." 
 
 Amo. " Me, sir ! Belike you measure me by your- 
 self, then ? " 
 
 Aso. " Would I might, fair feature." 
 
 Amo. " And what were you the better, if you 
 might ? " 
 
 Aso. " The better it please you to ask, fair lady." 
 
 Amo. Why, this was ravishing, and most acutely 
 continued. Well, spend not your humour too much, 
 you have now competently exercised your conceit : 
 this, once or twice a day will render you an accom- 
 plished, elaborate, and well-levelled gallant. Convey 
 in your courting-stock, we will in the heat of this go 
 visit the nymphs' chamber. \_Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE FOURTH. 
 
 SCENE I. — An Apartment in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Phantaste, 
 
 Philautia, 
 and Cupid. 
 
 Argurion, Moria, 
 
 HA. I would this water would arrive 
 once, our travelling friend so com- 
 mended to us. 
 
 Arg. So would I, for he has left 
 all us in travail with expectation 
 of it. 
 
 Pha. Pray Jove, I never rise 
 from this couch, if ever I thirsted more for a thing in 
 my whole time of being a courtier. 
 
 Phi. Nor I, I'll be sworn : the very mention of it 
 sets my lips in a worse heat, than if he had sprinkled 
 them with mercury. Reach me the glass, sirrah. 
 Cup. Here, lady. 
 
 Mor. They do not peel, sweet charge, do they ? 
 Phi. Yes, a little, guardian. 
 
 Mor. O, 'tis an eminent good sign. Ever when my 
 lips do so, I am sure to have some delicious good drink 
 or other approaching. 
 
 Arg. Marry, and this may be good for us ladies ; 
 for it seems 'tis far fet by their stay. 
 
 Mor. My palate for yours, dear Honour, it shall 
 prove most elegant, I warrant you. O, I do fancy 
 
224 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 this gear that's long a coming, with unmeasurable 
 strain. 
 
 Pha. Pray thee sit down, Philautia ; that rebatu ' 
 becomes thee singularly. 
 
 Phi. Is it not quaint ? 
 
 Pha. Yes, faith. Methinks, thy servant Hedon is 
 nothing so obsequious to thee as he was won't to be : 
 I know not how, he is grown out of his garb a-late, he's 
 warped. 
 
 Mor. In trueness, and so methinks too : he is much 
 converted. • 
 
 Phi. Tut, let him be what he will, 'tis an animal I 
 dream not of. This tire, methinks, makes me look 
 very ingeniously, quick, and spirited ; I should be some 
 Laura, or some Delia, methinks. 
 
 Mor. As I am wise, fair Honours, that title she 
 gave him, to be her Ambition, spoiled him : before, 
 he was the most propitious and observant young 
 novice 
 
 Pha. No, no, you are the whole heaven awry, 
 guardian ; 'tis the swaggering coach-horse Anaides 
 draws with him there, has been the diverter of him. 
 
 Phi. For Cupid's sake speak no more of him ; 
 would I might never dare to look in a mirror again, 
 if I respect ever a marmoset of 'em all, otherwise than 
 I would a feather, or my shuttlecock, to make sport 
 with now and then. 
 
 Pha. Come, sit down ; troth, an you be good 
 beauties, let's run over them all now. Which is the 
 properest man amongst them ? I say, the traveller, 
 Amorphus. 
 
 Phi. O, fie on him, he looks like a Venetian 
 
 ' A kind of rUff or collar-band, which turned back, and lay in 
 plaits, on the shoulders. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 225 
 
 trumpeter in the battle of Lepanto, in the gallery 
 yonder ; and speaks to the tune of a country lady, that 
 comes ever in the rearward or train of a fashion. 
 
 Mor. I should have judgment in a feature, sweet 
 beauties. 
 
 Pha. A body would think so, at these years. 
 
 Mor. And I prefer another now, far before him, a 
 million at least. 
 
 Pha. Who might that be, guardian ? 
 
 Mor. Marry, fair charge, Anaides. 
 
 Pha. Anaides ! you talked of a tune, Philautia : 
 there's one speaks in a key, like the opening of some 
 justice's gate, or a postboy's horn, as if his voice feared 
 an arrest for some ill words it should give, and were 
 loth to come forth. 
 
 Phi. Ay, and he has a very imperfect face. 
 
 Pha. Like a sea-monster, that were to ravish An- 
 dromeda from the rock. 
 
 Phi. His hands too great too, by at least a straw's 
 breadth. 
 
 Pha. Nay, he has a worse fault than that too. 
 
 Phi. A long heel ? 
 
 Pha. That were a fault in a lady, rather than him : 
 no, they say he puts off the calves of his legs, with his 
 stockings, every night. 
 
 Phi. Out upon him ! Turn to another of the 
 pictures, for love's sake. What says Argurion ? 
 Whom does she commend after the rest ? 
 
 Cup. I hope I have instructed her sufficiently for 
 an answer. \_Aside. 
 
 Mor. Troth, I made the motion to her ladyship 
 for one to-day, i' the presence, but it appeared she was 
 otherways furnished before : she would none. 
 
 Pha. Who was that, Argurion ? 
 
 Jon. II. 
 
226 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 Mor. Marry, the poor plain gentleman in the black 
 there. 
 
 Pha. Who, Crites ? 
 
 Arg. Ay, ay, he : a fellow that nobody so much as 
 looked upon, or regarded ; and she would have had 
 me done him particular grace. 
 
 Pha. That was a true trick of yourself, Moria, to 
 persuade Argurion to affect the scholar. 
 
 Arg. Tut, but she shall be no chooser for me. In 
 good faith, I like the citizen's son there, Asotus ; me- 
 thinks none of them all come near him. 
 
 Pha. Not Hedon ? 
 
 Arg. Hedon ! in troth, no. Hedon's a pretty slight 
 courtier, and he wears his clothes well, and sometimes 
 in fashion ; marry, his face is but indifferent, and he 
 has no such excellent body. No, the other is a most 
 delicate youth ; a sweet face, a straight body, a well- 
 proportioned leg and foot, a white hand, a tender voice. 
 
 Phi. How now, Argurion ? 
 
 Pha. O, you should have let her alone, she was 
 bestowing a copy of him upon us. Such a nose were 
 enough to make me love a man, now. 
 
 Phi. And then his several colours, he wears ; where- 
 in he flourishes changeably, every day. 
 
 Pha. O, but his short hair, and his narrow eyes ! 
 
 Phi. Why she doats more palpably upon him than 
 ever his father did upon her. 
 
 Pha. Believe me, the young gentleman deserves it. 
 If she could doat more, 'twere not amiss. He is an 
 exceeding proper youth, and would have made a 
 most neat barber-surgeon, if he had been put to it 
 in time. 
 
 Phi. Say you so ! Methinks he looks like a tailor 
 already. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 227 
 
 Pha. Ay, that had sayed on one of his customer's 
 suits. His face is like a squeezed orange, or 
 
 Arg. Well, ladies, jest on : the best of you both 
 would be glad of such a servant. 
 
 Mor. Ay, I'll be sworn would they, though he be a 
 little shame-faced. 
 
 Pha. Shame-faced, Moria ! out upon him. Your 
 shame-faced servant is your only gull. 
 
 Mor. Go to, beauties, make much of time, and 
 place, and occasion, and opportunity, and favourites, 
 and things that belong to them, for I'll ensure you 
 they will all relinquish ; they cannot endure above 
 another year ; I know it out of future experience ; 
 and therefore take exhibition, and warning. I was 
 once a reveller myself, and though I speak it, as mine 
 own trumpet, I was then esteemed 
 
 Phi. The very march-pane of the court I warrant 
 you. 
 
 Pha. And all the gallants came about you like flies, 
 did they not ? 
 
 Mor. Go to, they did somewhat ; that's no matter 
 now. 
 
 Pha. Nay, good Moria, be not angry. Put case, 
 that we four now had the grant from Juno, to wish 
 ourselves into what happy estate we could, what would 
 you wish to be, Moria ? 
 
 Mor. Who, I ! let me see now. I would wish to 
 be a wise woman, and know all the secrets of court, 
 city, and country. I would know what were done 
 behind the arras, what upon the stairs, what in the 
 garden, what in the nymphs' chamber, what by barge, 
 and what by coach. I would tell you which courtier 
 were scabbed and which not ; which lady had her 
 own face to lie with her a-nights and which not ; who 
 
228 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 put off their teeth with their clothes in court, who 
 their hair, who their complexion ; and in which box 
 they put it. There should not a nymph, or a widow, 
 be got with child in the Verge, but I would guess, 
 within one or two, who was the right father, and in 
 what month it ,was gotten ; with what words, and 
 which way. I would tell you which madam loved 
 a monsieur, which a player, which a page ; who slept 
 with her husband, who with her friend, who with her 
 gentleman-usher, who with her horse-keeper, who 
 with her monkey, and who with all ; yes, and who 
 jigged the cock too. 
 
 Pha. Fie, you'd tell all, Moria ! If I should wish 
 now, it should be to have your tongue out. But what 
 says Philautia ? Who should she be ? 
 
 Phi. Troth, the very same I am. Only I would 
 wish myself a little more command and sovereignty ; 
 that all the court were subject to my absolute beck, 
 and all things in it depending on my look ; as if there 
 were no other heaven but in my smile, nor other hell 
 but in my frown ; that I might send for any man 
 I list, and have his head cut off when I have done 
 with him, or made an eunuch if he denied me ; and if 
 I saw a better face than mine own, I might have 
 my doctor to poison it. What would you wish, 
 Phantaste ? 
 
 Pha. Faith, I cannot readily tell you what : but 
 methinks I should wish myself all manner of creatures. 
 Now I would be an empress, and by and by a duchess ; 
 then a great lady of state, then one of your miscellany 
 madams, then a waiting-woman, then your citizen's 
 wife, then a coarse country gentlewoman, then a 
 dairy-maid, then a shepherd's lass, then an empress 
 again, or the queen of fairies : and thus I would prove 
 
SCENE 1.] CYNTHIA'S kEVELS. 229 
 
 the vicissitudes and whirl of pleasures about and 
 again. As I were a shepherdess, I would be piped 
 and sung to ; as a dairy-wench, I would dance at 
 maypoles, and make syllabubs ; as a country gentle- 
 woman, keep a good house, and come up to term to 
 see motions ; as a citizen's wife, be troubled with a 
 jealous husband, and put to my shifts ; others' miseries 
 should be my pleasures. As a waiting-woman I 
 would taste my lady's delights to her ; as a miscellany 
 madam, invent new tires, and go visit courtiers ; as a 
 great lady, lie a-bed, and have courtiers visit me ; as 
 a duchess, I^would keep my state ; and as an empress, 
 I would do anything. And, in all these shapes, I 
 would ever be followed with the affections of all that 
 see me. Marry, I myself would affect none : or if I 
 did, it should not be heartily, but so as I might save 
 myself in them still, and take pride in tormenting the 
 poor wretches. Or, now I think on't, I would, for 
 one year, wish myself one woman ; but the richest, 
 fairest, and delicatest in a kingdom, the very centre of 
 wealth and beauty, wherein all lines of love should 
 meet ; and in that person I would prove all manner 
 of suitors, of all humours, and of all complexions, and 
 never have any two of a sort. I would see how love, 
 by the power of his object, could work inwardly alike, 
 in a choleric man and a sanguine, in a melancholic and 
 a phlegmatic, in a fool and a wise man, in a clown and 
 a courtier, in a valiant man and a coward ; and how 
 he could vary outward, by letting this gallant express 
 himself in dumb gaze ; another with sighing and 
 rubbing his fingers ; a third, with play-ends and 
 pitiful verses ; a fourth with stabbing himself, and 
 drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his 
 blood ; a fifth, in coloured ribands and good clothes ; 
 
230 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act IV. 
 
 with this lord to smile, and that lord to court, and the 
 t'other lord to dote, and one lord to hang himself. 
 And, then, I to have a book made of all this, which I 
 would call the Book of Humours, and every night read 
 a little piece ere I slept, and laugh at it. — Here comes 
 Hedon. 
 
 Enter Hedon, Anaides, and Mercury, who retires 
 with Cupid to the hack of the stage, where they 
 converse together. 
 
 Hed. Save you, sweet and clear beauties ! By the 
 spirit that moves in me, you are all most pleasingly 
 bestowed, ladies. Only I can take it for no good 
 omen, to find mine Honour so dejected. 
 
 Phi. You need not fear, sir ; I did of purpose 
 humble myself against your coming, to decline the 
 pride of my Ambition. 
 
 Hed. Fair Honour, Ambition dares not stoop ; but 
 if it be your sweet pleasure I shall lose that title, I will, 
 as I am Hedon, apply myself to your bounties. 
 
 Phi. That were the next way to dis-title myself of 
 honour. O no, rather be still Ambitious, I pray you. 
 
 Hed. I will be anything that you please, whilst it 
 pleaseth you to be yourself, lady. Sweet Phantaste, 
 dear Moria, most beautiful Argurion 
 
 Ana. Farewell, Hedon. 
 
 Hed. Anaides, stay, whither go you ? 
 
 Ana. 'Slight, what should I do here ? an you 
 engross them all for your own use, 'tis time for me to 
 seek out. 
 
 Hed. I engross them ! Away, mischief ; this is 
 one of your extravagant jests now, because I began to 
 salute them by their names. 
 
 Ana. Faith, you might have spared us Madam 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 331 
 
 Prudence, the guardian there, though you had more 
 covetously aimed at the rest. 
 
 Hed. 'Sheart, take them all, man : what speak you 
 to me of aiming or covetous ? 
 
 Ana. Ay, say you so ! nay, then, have at them : — 
 Ladies, here's one hath distinguished you by your 
 names already. It shall only become me to ask how 
 you do. 
 
 Hed. Ods so, was this the design you travailed with ? 
 
 Pha. Who answers the brazen head ? it spoke to 
 somebody. 
 
 'Ana. Lady Wisdom, do you interpret for these 
 puppets ? 
 
 Mor. In truth and sadness, honours, you are in 
 great offence for this. Go to ; the gentleman (I'll 
 undertake with him) is a man of fair living, and able 
 to maintain a lady in her two coaches a day, besides 
 pages, monkeys, and paraquettoes, with such atten- 
 dants as she shall think meet for her turn ; and there- 
 fore there is more respect requirable, howsoe'er you 
 seem to connive. Hark you, sir, let me discourse 
 a syllable with you. I am to say to you, these ladies 
 are not of that close-and-open behaviour as haply you 
 may suspend ; their carriage is well known to be such 
 as it should be, both gentle and extraordinary. 
 
 Mer. O, here comes the other pair. 
 
 Enter Amorphus and AsoTus. 
 
 Amo. That was your father's love, the nymph 
 Argurion. I would have you direct all your courtship 
 thither : if you could but endear yourself to her affec- 
 tion, you were eternally engallanted. 
 
 Aso. In truth, sir ! pray Phcebus I prove favoursome 
 in her fair eyes. 
 
232 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act vi. 
 
 Amo. All divine mixture, and increase of beauty to 
 this bright bevy of ladies ; and to the male courtiers, 
 compliment and courtesy. 
 
 Hed. In the behalf of the males, I g^-atify you, 
 Amorphus. 
 
 Pha. And 1 of the females. 
 
 Amo. Succinctly returned, I do vail to both your 
 thanks, and kiss them ; but primarily to yours, most 
 ingenious, acute, and polite lady. 
 
 Phi. Ods my life, how he does all-to-be-qualify her ! 
 ingenious., acute., a.-aA polite! as if there was not others 
 in place as ingenious, acute, and polite as she. 
 
 Hed. Yes, but you must know, lady, he cannot 
 speak out of a dictionary method. 
 
 Pha. Sit down, sweet Amorphus. When will this 
 water come, think you ? 
 
 Amo. It cannot now be long, fair lady. 
 
 Cup. Now observe. Mercury. ' 
 
 Aso. How, most ambiguous beauty ! love you ? 
 that I will by this handkerchief. 
 
 Mer. 'Slid, he draws his oaths out of his pocket. 
 
 Arg. But will you be constant ? 
 
 Aso. Constant, madam ! I will not say for constant- 
 ness ; but by this purse, which I would be loth to 
 swear by, unless it were embroidered, I protest, more 
 than most fair lady, you are the only absolute and 
 unparalleled creature, I do adore, and admire, and 
 respect, and reverence in this court, corner of the 
 world, or kingdom. Methinks you are melancholy. 
 
 Arg. Does your heart speak all this ? 
 
 Aso. Say you ? 
 
 Mer. O, he is groping for another oath. 
 
 Aso. Now by this watch — I marie how forward the 
 day is — I do unfeignedly vow myself — 'slight, 'tis 
 
SCENE I.J CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 233 
 
 deeper than I took it, past five— yours entirely 
 addicted, madam. 
 
 Arg. I require no more, dearest Asotus ; henceforth 
 let me call you mine, and in remembrance of me, 
 vouchsafe to wear this chain and this diamond. 
 
 Aso. O lord, sweet lady ! 
 
 Cicp. There are new oaths for him. What ! doth 
 Hermes taste no alteration in all this ? 
 
 Mer. Yes, thou hast strook Argurion enamoured on 
 Asotus, methinks. 
 
 Cup. Alas, no ; I am nobody, I ; I can do nothing 
 in this disguise. 
 
 Mer. But thou hast not wounded any of the rest, 
 Cupid. 
 
 Clip. Not yet ; it is enough that I have begun so 
 prosperously. 
 
 Arg. Nay, these are nothing to the gems I will 
 hourly bestow upon thee ; be but faithful and kind 
 to me, and I will lade thee with my richest bounties ; 
 behold, here my bracelets from mine arms 
 
 Aso. Not so, good lady, by this diamond. 
 
 Arg. Take 'em, wear 'em ; my jewels, chain of 
 pearl, pendants, all I have. 
 
 Aso. Nay, then, by this pearl you make me a 
 wanton. 
 
 Cup. Shall she not answer for this, to maintain him 
 thus in swearing ? 
 
 Mer. O no, there is a way to wean him from this, 
 the gentleman may be reclaimed. 
 
 Cup. Ay, if you had the airing of his apparel, coz, I 
 think. 
 
 Aso. Loving ! 'twere pity an I should be living else, 
 believe me. Save you, sir, save you, sweet lady, save 
 you, Monsieur Anaides, save you, dear madam. 
 
234 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [ACT IV. 
 
 Ana. Dost thou know him that saluted thee, 
 Hedon ? 
 
 Hed. No, some idle Fungoso, that hath got above 
 the cupboard since yesterday. 
 
 Ana. 'Slud, I never saw him till this morning, and 
 he salutes me as familiarly as if we had known together 
 since the deluge, or the first year of Troy action. 
 
 Amo. A most right-handed and auspicious en- 
 counter. Confine yourself to your fortunes. 
 
 Phi. For sport's sake let's have some Riddles or 
 Purposes, ho ! 
 
 Pha. No, faith, your Prophecies are best, the t'other 
 are stale. 
 
 Phi. Prophecies ! we cannot-all sit in at them ; we 
 shall make a confusion. -No ; what called you that 
 we had in the forenoon ? 
 
 Pha. Substantives and adjectives, is it not, Hedon ? 
 
 Phi. Ay, that. Who begins ? 
 
 Pha. I have thought ; speak your adjectives, sirs. 
 
 Phi. But do not you change then. 
 
 Pha. Not I. Who says ? 
 
 Mor. Odoriferous. 
 
 Phi. Popular. 
 
 Arg. Humble. 
 
 Ana. White-livered. 
 
 Hed. Barbarous. 
 
 Amo. Pythagorical. 
 
 Hed. Yours, signior ? 
 
 Aso. What must I do, sir ? 
 
 Amo. Give forth your adjective with the rest ; as 
 preposterous, good, fair, sweet, well 
 
 Hed. Anything that hath not been spoken. 
 
 Aso. Yes, sir, well-spoken shall be mine. 
 
 Pha. What, have you all done ? 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 235 
 
 All. Ay. 
 
 Pha. Then the substantive is Breeches. Why 
 odoriferous breeches, guardian ? 
 
 Mor. Odoriferous, — because odoriferous : that which 
 contains most variety of savour and smell we say is 
 most odoriferous ; now breeches, I presume, are 
 incident to that variety, and therefore odoriferous 
 breeches. 
 
 Pha. Well, we must take it howsoever. Who's 
 next ? Philautia ? 
 
 Phi. Popular. 
 
 Pha. Why popular breeches ? 
 
 Phi. Marry, that is, when they are not content to 
 be generally noted in court, but will press forth on 
 common stages and brokers' stalls, to the public view 
 of the world. 
 
 Pha. Good. Why humble breeches, Argurion ? 
 
 Arg. Humble ! because they use to be sat upon ; 
 besides, if you tie them not up, their property is to 
 fall down about your heels. 
 
 Mer. She has worn the breeches, it seems, which 
 have done so. 
 
 Pha. But why white-livered f 
 
 Ana. Why! are not their linings' white ? Besides, 
 when they come in swaggering company, and will 
 pocket up anything, may they not properly be said 
 to be white-livered ? 
 
 Pha. O yes, we must not deny it. And why bar- 
 baroics, Hedon ? 
 
 Hed. Barbarous ! because commonly, when you 
 have worn your breeches sufficiently, you give them 
 to your barber. 
 
 Amo. That's good ; but how Pythagorical f 
 
 Phi. Ay, Amorphus, why Pythagorical breeches .? 
 
236 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iV. 
 
 Amo. O most kindly of all ; 'tis a conceit of that 
 fortune, I am bold to hug my brain for. 
 
 Pha. How is it, exquisite Amorphus ? 
 
 Amo. O, I am rapt with it, 'tis so fit, so proper, so 
 happy 
 
 Phi. Nay, do not rack us thus. 
 
 Amo. I never truly relished myself before. Give 
 me your ears. Breeches Pythagorical, by reason of 
 their transmigration into several shapes. 
 
 Mor. Most rare, in sweet troth. Marry this young 
 gentleman, for his well-spoken 
 
 Pha. Ay, why well-spoken breeches ? 
 
 Aso. Well-spoken ! Marry, well-spoken, because— 
 whatsoever they speak is well taken ; and whatsoever 
 is well taken is well spoken. 
 
 Mor. Excellent ! believe me. 
 
 Aso. Not so, ladies, neither. 
 
 Hed. But why breeches, now ? 
 
 Pha. Breeches, quasi bear-riches ; when a gallant 
 bears all his riches in his breeches. 
 
 Amo. Most fortunately etymologised. 
 
 Pha. Nay, we have another sport afore this, of A 
 thing done, and who did it, &c. 
 
 Phi. Ay, good Phantaste, let's have thSt : distribute 
 the places. 
 
 Pha. Why, I imagine, A thing done ; Hedon thinks, 
 who did it ; Moria, with what it was done ; Anaides, 
 where it was done ; Argurion, when it was done ; 
 Amorphus, for what cause was it done ; you, Philautia, 
 what followed upon the doing of it ; and this gentle- 
 man, who would have done it better ? What ? is it 
 conceived about ? 
 
 All. Yes, yes. 
 
 Pha. Then speak you, sir. Who would have done it 
 better f 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 237 
 
 Aso. How ! does it begin at me ? 
 
 Pha. Yes, sir : this play is called the Crab, it goes 
 backward. 
 
 Aso. May I not name myself ? 
 
 Pki. If you please, sir, and dare abide the venture 
 of it. 
 
 Aso. Then I would have done it better, whatever 
 it is. 
 
 Pha. No doubt on't, sir : a good confidence. What 
 -followed upon the act, Philautia ? 
 
 PM. A few heat drops, and a month's mirth. 
 
 Pha. For what cause, Amorphus ? 
 
 Amo. For the delight of ladies. 
 
 Pha. When, Argurion ? 
 
 Arg. Last progress. 
 
 Pha. Where, Anaides ? 
 
 Ana. Why, in a pair of pained slops.' 
 
 Pha. With what, Moria ? 
 
 Mor. With a glyster. 
 
 Pha. Who, Hedon ? 
 
 Hed. A traveller. 
 
 Pha. Then the thing done was. An oration was 
 made. Rehearse. An oration was made — 
 
 Hed. By a traveller — 
 
 Mor. With a glyster — 
 
 Ana. In a pair of pained slops-^ 
 
 Arg. Last progress — 
 
 Amo. For the delight of ladies — 
 
 Phi. A few heat drops, and a month's mirth 
 followed. 
 
 Pha. And, this silent gentleman would have done it 
 better. 
 
 ' Large and loose breeches, which were the fashionable dress of 
 the age, and seem to have been made ol panes or partitions, perhaps 
 of different colours. 
 
238 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 Aso. This was not so good, now. 
 
 Phi. In good faith, these unhappy pages would be 
 whipped for staying thus. 
 
 Mor. Beshrew my hand and my heart else. 
 
 Amo. I do wonder at their protraction. 
 
 Ana. Pray Venus my whore have not discovered 
 herself to the rascally boys, and that be the cause of 
 their stay. 
 
 Aso. I must suit myself with another page : this 
 idle Prosaites will never be brought to wait well. 
 
 Mor. Sir, I have a kinsman I could willingly wish 
 to your service, if you will deign to accept of him. 
 
 Aso. And I shall be glad, most sweet lady, to 
 embrace him. Where is he ? 
 
 Mor. I can fetch him, sir, but I would be loth to 
 make you to turn away your other page. 
 
 Aso. You shall not, most sufficient lady ; I will keep 
 both : pray you let's go see him. 
 
 Arg. Whither goes my love ? 
 
 Aso. I'll return presently, I go but to see a page 
 with this lady. \_Exeunt AsoTus and Moria. 
 
 Ana. As sure as fate, 'tis so ; she has opened all : 
 a pox of all cockatrices ! D — n me, if she have played 
 loose with me, I'll cut her throat, within a hair's 
 breadth, so it may be healed again. 
 
 Mer. What, is he jealous of his hermaphrodite ? 
 
 Cup. O, ay, this will be excellent sport. 
 Phi. Phantaste, Argurion ! what, you are suddenly 
 struck, methinks ! For love's sake let's have some 
 music till they Come : Ambition, reach the lyra, I 
 pray you. 
 
 Hed. Anything to which my Honour shall direct 
 me. 
 
 Phi. Come, Amorphus, cheer up Phantaste. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 239 
 
 Amo. It shall be my pride, fair lady, to attempt all 
 that is in my power. But here is an instrument that 
 alone is able to infuse soul into the most melancholic 
 and dull-disposed creature upon earth. O, let me kiss 
 thy fair knees. Beauteous ears, attend it. 
 
 Hed. Will you have " the Ktss," Honour ? 
 
 -Ph'. Ay, good Ambition. 
 
 Hedon smgs. 
 O, that joy so soon should waste ! 
 Or so sweet a bliss 
 As a kiss 
 Might not for ever last ! 
 So sugared, so melting, so soft, so delicious. 
 The dew that lies on roses, 
 When the morn herself discloses. 
 Is not so precious. 
 O rather than I would it smother, 
 Were I to taste such another ; 
 It should be my wishing 
 That I might die with kissing. 
 
 Hed. 1 made this ditty, and the note to it, upon a 
 kiss that my Honour gave me ; how like you it, sir ? 
 
 Amo. A pretty air ; in general, I like it well : but 
 in particular, your long die-note did arride me most, 
 but it was somewhat too long. I can show one almost 
 of the same nature, but much before it, and not so 
 long, in a composition of mine own. I think I have 
 both the note and ditty about me. 
 
 ffed. Pray you, sir, see. 
 
 Amo. Yes, there is the note ; and all the parts if I 
 misthink not. I will read the ditty to your beauties 
 here ; but first I am to make you familiar with the 
 occasion, which presents itself thus. Upon a time, 
 
240 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 going to take my leave of the emperor, and kiss his 
 great hands, there being then present the kings of 
 France and Arragon, the dukes of Savoy, Florence, 
 Orleans, Bourbon, Brunswick, the Landgrave, Count 
 Palatine ; all which had severally feasted me ; besides 
 infinite more of inferior persons, as counts and others ; 
 it was my chance (the emperor detained by some 
 exorbitant affair) to wait him the fifth part of an hour, 
 or much near it. In which time, retiring myself into 
 a bay-window, the beauteous lady Annabel, niece to 
 the empress, and sister to the king of Arragon, who 
 having never before eyed me, but only heard the 
 common report of my virtue, learning, and travel, fell 
 into that extremity of passion for my love, that she 
 immediately swooned : physicians were sent for, she 
 had to her chamber, so to her bed ; where, languishing 
 some few days, after many times calling upon me, 
 with my name in her lips, she expired. As that (I 
 must mourningly say) is the only fault of my fortune, 
 that, as it hath ever been my hap to be sued to, by all 
 ladies and beauties, where I have come ; so I never 
 yet sojourned or rested in that place or part of the 
 world, where some high-born, admirable, fair feature 
 died not for my love. 
 
 Mer. O, the sweet power of travel ! — Are you guilty 
 of this, Cupid ? 
 
 Cup. No, Mercury, and that his page Cos knows, if 
 he were here present to be sworn. 
 
 Phi. But how doth this draw on the ditty, sir ? 
 
 Mer. O, she is too quick with him ; he hath not 
 devised that yet. 
 
 Amo. Marry, some hour before she departed, she 
 bequeathed to me this glove : which golden legacy, 
 the emperor himself took care to seiid after me, in six 
 
CENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 241 
 
 coaches, covered all with black velvet, attended by the 
 state of his empire ; all which he freely presented me 
 with : and I reciprocally (out of the same bounty) 
 gave to the lords that brought it : only reserving the 
 gift of the deceased lady, upon which I composed this 
 ode, and set it to my most affected instrument, the 
 lyra. 
 
 Thou more than most sweet glove. 
 Unto my more sweet love, 
 Suifer me to store with kisses 
 This empty lodging, that now misses 
 The pure rosy hand, that wear thee. 
 Whiter than the kid that bare thee. 
 Thou art soft, but that was softer ; 
 Cupid's self hath kissed it ofter 
 Than e'er he did his mother's doves. 
 Supposing her the queen of loves, 
 That was thy mistress, best of gloves. 
 
 Mer. Blasphemy, blasphemy, Cupid ! 
 
 Cup. I'll revenge it time enough, Hermes. 
 
 Phi. Good Amorphus, let's hear it sung. 
 
 Amo. I care not to admit that, since it pleaseth 
 Philautia to request it. 
 
 Hed. Here, sir. 
 
 Amo. Nay, play it, I pray you ; you do well, you do 
 well. \_He sings it.'\ How like you it, sir ? 
 
 Hed. Very well, in troth. 
 
 Amo. But very well ! O, you are a mere mammo- 
 thrept ' in judgment, then. Why, do you not observe 
 how excellently the ditty is aifected in every place ? 
 that I do not marry a word of short quantity to a 
 long note ? nor an ascending syllable to a descending 
 
 ' A spoiled child, a delicate nursling. 
 Jon. II. R 
 
242 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act IV. 
 
 tone ? Besides, upon the word best there, you see 
 how I do enter with an odd minum, and drive it 
 through the brief ; which no intelligent musician, I 
 know, but will afKrm to be very rare, extraordinary, 
 and pleasing. 
 
 Mer. And yet not fit to lament the death of a lady, 
 for all this. 
 
 Cup. Tut, here be they will swallow anything. 
 
 Pha. Pray you, let me have a copy of it, Amorphus. 
 
 Phi. And me too ; in troth, I like it exceedingly. 
 
 Amo. I have denied it to princes ; nevertheless, to 
 you, the true female twins of perfection, I am won to 
 depart withal. 
 
 Hed. I hope, I shall have my Honour's copy. 
 
 Pha. You are ambitious in that, Hedon. 
 
 Re-enter Anaides. 
 
 Amo. How now, Anaides ? what is it hath conjured 
 up this distemperature in the circle of your face ? 
 
 Ana. Why, what have you to do ? A pox upon 
 your filthy travelling face ! hold your tongue. 
 
 Hed. Nay, dost hear, Mischief ? 
 
 A7ia. Away, musk-cat ! 
 
 Amo. I say, to thee thou art rude, debauched, im- 
 pudent, coarse, unpolished, a frapler,' and base. 
 
 Hed. Heart of my father, what a strange alteration 
 has half a year's haunting of ordinaries wrought in 
 this fellow ! that came with a tufftaffata jerkin to town 
 but the other day, and a pair of pennyless hose, and 
 now he is turned Hercules, he wants but a club. 
 
 Ana. Sir, you with the pencil on your chin ; I will 
 garter my hose with your guts, and that shall be all. 
 
 lExit 
 
 ' One who quarrels, a bully. 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 243 
 
 Mer. 'Slid, what rare fireworks be here ? flash, 
 flash. 
 
 Pha. What's the matter, Hedon ? can you tell ? 
 
 Hed. Nothing, but that he lacks crowns, and thinks 
 we'll lend him some to be friends. 
 
 Re-enter AsoTus and Moria, with Morus. 
 
 Aso. Come, sweet lady, in good truth I'll have it, 
 you shall not deny me. Morus, persuade your aunt 
 I may have her picture, by any means. 
 
 Moms, Yea, sir : good aunt now, let him have it, 
 he will use me the better ; if you love me, do, good 
 aunt. 
 
 Mor. Well, tell him Jje shall have it. 
 
 Morus. Master, you shall have it, she says. 
 
 Aso. Shall I ? thank her, good page. 
 
 Clip. What, has he entertained the fool ? 
 
 Mer. Ay, he'll wait close, you shall see, though the 
 beggar hang off a while. 
 
 Morus. Aunt, my master thanks you. 
 
 Mor. Call him hither. 
 
 Morus. Yes ; master. 
 
 Mor. Yes, in verity, and gave me this purse, and 
 he has promised me a most fine dog ; which he will 
 have drawn with my picture, he says : and desires 
 most vehemently to be known to your ladyships. 
 
 Pha. Call him hither, 'tis good groping such a gull. 
 
 Morus. Master Asotus, Master Asotus ! 
 
 Aso. For love's sake, let me go : you see I am 
 called to the ladies. 
 
 Arg. Wilt thou forsake me, then ? 
 
 Aso. Od so ! what would you have me do ? 
 
 Mer. Come hither, Master Asotus. — I do ensure 
 your ladyships, he is a gentleman of a very worthy 
 
244 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act IV. 
 
 desert : and of a most bountiful nature. — You must 
 show and insinuate yourself responsible, and equivalent 
 now to my commendment. — Good honours, grace 
 him. 
 
 Aso< 1 protest, more than most fair ladies, "I do 
 wish all variety of divine pleasures, choice sports, 
 sweet music, rich fare, brave attire, soft beds, and 
 silken thoughts, attend these fair beauties." Will it 
 please your ladyship to wear this chain of pearl, and 
 this diamond, for my sake ? 
 Arg. O ! 
 
 Aso. And you, madam, this jewel and pendants ? 
 Arg-. O ! 
 
 Pka. We know not how to deserve these bounties, 
 out of so slight merit, Asotus. 
 
 Pki. No, in faith, but there's my glove for a favour. 
 I%a. And soon after the revels, I will bestow a 
 garter on you. 
 
 Aso. O lord, ladies ! it is more grace than ever I 
 could have hoped, but that it pleaseth your ladyships 
 to extend. I protest it is enough, that you but take 
 knowledge of my if your ladyship want em- 
 broidered gowns, tires of any fashion, rebatues, jewels, 
 or carcanets, anything whatsoever, if you vouchsafe to 
 
 accept 
 
 CuJ>. And for it they will help you to shoe-ties and 
 devices. 
 
 Aso. I cannot utter myself, dear beauties, but you 
 
 can conceive 
 
 Arg. O ! 
 
 /%«. Sir, we will acknowledge your service, doubt 
 not — henceforth, you shall be no more Asotus to us, 
 but our goldfinch, and we your cages. 
 
 Aso. O Venus ! madams ! how shall I deserve this ? 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 245 
 
 if I were but made acquainted with Hedon, now — 
 I'll try ; pray you, away. [7b Argurion. 
 
 Mor. How he prays money to go away from him ! 
 Aso. Amorphus, a word with you ; here's a watch 
 I would bestow upon you, pray you make me known 
 to that gallant. 
 
 Amo. That I will, sir. — Monsieur Hedon, I must 
 entreat you to exchange knowledge with this gentleman. 
 
 Hed. 'Tis a thing, next to the water we expect, I 
 thirst after, sir. Good Monsieur Asotus. 
 
 Aso. Good Monsieur Hedon, I would be glad to be 
 loved of men of your rank and spirit, I protest. Please 
 you to accept this pair of bracelets, sir ; they are not 
 worth the bestowing 
 
 Mer. O Hercules, how the gentleman purchases ! 
 this must needs bring Argurion to a consumption. 
 
 Hed. Sir, I shall never stand in the merit of such 
 bounty, I fear. 
 
 Aso. O Venus, sir ; your acquaintance shall be 
 sufficient. And, if at any time you need my bill, 
 or my bond 
 
 Arg. O, O ! \_Swoons. 
 
 Amo. Help the lady there ! 
 
 Mor. Gods-dear, Argurion ! madam, how do you ? 
 
 Arg. Sick. 
 
 Pha. Have her forth, and give her air. 
 
 Aso. I come again straight, ladies. 
 
 [^Exeunt AsoTus, MoRus, and Argurion. 
 
 Mer. Well, I doubt all the physic he has will scarce 
 recover her ; she's too far spent. 
 
 Re-enter Anaides with Gelaia, Prosaites and 
 Cos, with the bottles. 
 
 Phi. O, here's the water come ; fetch glasses, page. 
 
246 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 Gel. Heart of my body, here's a coil, indeed, with 
 your jealous humours ! nothing but whore and bitch, 
 and all the villainous swaggering names you can think 
 on ! 'Slid, take your bottle, and put it in your guts 
 for me, I'll see you poxed ere I follow you any longer. 
 
 Ana. Nay, good punk, sweet rascal ; d— n me, if I 
 am jealous now. 
 
 Gel. That's true, indeed ; pray let's go. 
 
 Mor. What's the matter, there ? 
 
 Gel. 'Slight, he has me upon interrogatories (nay, 
 my mother shall know how you use me), where I have 
 been ? and why I should stay so long, and, how is't 
 possible ? and withal calls me at his pleasure T know 
 not how many cockatrices, and things. 
 
 Mor. In truth and sadness, these are no good 
 epitaphs, Anaides, to bestow upon any gentlewoman ; 
 and I'll ensure you if I had known you would have 
 dealt thus with my daughter, she would never have 
 fancied you so deeply as she has done. Go to. 
 
 Ana. Why, do you hear. Mother Moria ? heart ! 
 
 Mor. Nay, I pray you, sir, do not swear. 
 
 Ana. Swear ! why ? 'sblood, I have sworn afore 
 now, I hope. Both you and your daughter mistake 
 me. I have not honoured Arete, that is held the 
 worthiest lady in court, next to Cynthia, with half 
 that observance and respect as I have done her in 
 private, howsoever outwardly I have carried myself 
 careless and negligent. Come, you are a foolish punk, 
 and know not when you are well employed. Kiss me, 
 come on ! do it, I say. 
 
 Mor. Nay, indeed, I must confess, she is apt to 
 misprision. But I must have you leave it, minion. 
 Re-enter AsoTus. 
 
 Aimo. How now, Asotus ? how does the lady ? 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 247 
 
 Aso. Faith, ill. I have left my page with her, at 
 her lodging. 
 
 Hed. O, here's the rarest water that ever was tasted : 
 fill him some. 
 
 Pro. What ! has my master a new page ? 
 
 Mer. Yes, a kinsman of the Lady Moria's : you 
 must wait better now, or you are cashiered, Prosaites. 
 
 Ana. Come, gallants, you must pardon my foolish 
 humour ; when I am angry, that anything crosses 
 me, I grow impatient straight. Here, I drink to 
 you. 
 
 Phi. O, that we had five or six bottles more of this 
 liquor ! 
 
 Pha. Now 1 commend your judgment, Amorphus : 
 \Jinocking v)ithin.'\ Who's that knocks ? look page. 
 
 \_Exit Cos. 
 
 Mor. O, most delicious ; a little of this would make 
 Argurion well. 
 
 Pha. O, no, give her no cold drink by any means. 
 
 Ana. 'Sblood, this water is the spirit of wine, I'll be 
 hanged else. 
 
 Re-enter Cos with Arete. 
 
 Cos. Here's the Lady Arete, madam. 
 
 Are. What, at your bever, gallants ? 
 
 Mor. Will't please your ladyship to drink ? 'tis of 
 the New Fountain water. 
 
 Are. Not I, Moria, I thank you. — Gallants, you are 
 for this night free to your peculiar delights ; Cynthia 
 will have no sports : when she is pleased to come 
 forth, you shall have knowledge. In the meantime, 
 I could wish you did provide for solemn revels, and 
 some unlooked-for device of wit, to entertain her, 
 against she should vouchsafe to grace your pastimes 
 with her presence. 
 
248 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 Amo. What say you to a masque ? 
 
 Hed. Nothing better, if the project were new and 
 rare. 
 
 Are. Why, I'll send for Crites, and have his advice : 
 be you ready in your endeavours : he shall discharge 
 you of the inventive part. 
 
 Pha. But will not your ladyship stay ? 
 
 Are. Not now, Phantaste. \_Exit. 
 
 Phi. Let her go, I pray you good Lady Sobriety, 
 I am glad we are rid of her. 
 
 Pha. What a set face the gentlewoman has, as she 
 were still going to a sacrifice ! 
 
 Phi. O, she is the extraction of a dozen of Puritans, 
 for a look. 
 
 Mor. Of all nymphs i' the court, I cannot away with 
 her ; 'tis the coarsest thing ! 
 
 Phi. I wonder how Cynthia can affect her so above 
 the rest. Here be they are every way as fair as she, 
 and a thought fairer, I trow. 
 
 Pha. Ay, and as ingenious and conceited as she. 
 
 Mor. Ay, and as politic as she, for all she sets such 
 a forehead on't. ' 
 
 Phi. Would I were dead, if I would change to be 
 Cynthia. 
 
 Pha. Or I. 
 
 Mor. Or I. 
 
 Amo. And there's her minion, Crites : why his 
 advice more than Amorphus ? Have not I invention 
 afore him ? learning to better that invention above 
 him ? and infanted with pleasant travel 
 
 Ana. Death, what talk you of his learning ? he 
 understands no more than a schoolboy ; I have put 
 him down myself a thousand times, by this air, and 
 yet I never talked with him but twice in my hfe : you 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 249 
 
 never saw his like. I could never get him to argue 
 with me but once ; and then, because I could not 
 construe an author I quoted at first sight, he went 
 away and laughed at me. By Hercules, I scorn him, 
 as I do the sodden nymph that was here even now, 
 his mistress. Arete ? and I love myself for nothing 
 else. 
 
 Hed. I wonder the fellow does not hang himself, 
 being thus scorned and contemned of us that are held 
 the most accomplished society of gallants. 
 
 Mer. By yourselves, none else. 
 
 ffed. I protest, if I had no music in me, no court- 
 ship, that I were not a reveller and could dance, or 
 had not those excellent qualities that give a man life 
 and perfection, but a mere poor scholar as he is, I 
 think T should make some desperate way with myself ; 
 whereas now — would I might never breathe more, if 
 I do know that creature in this kingdom with whom 
 I would change. 
 
 Ctip. This is excellent ! Well, I must alter all this 
 soon. 
 
 Mer. Look you do, Cupid. The bottles have 
 wrought, it seems. 
 
 Aso. O, I am sorry the revels are crost. I should 
 have tickled it soon. I did never appear till then. 
 'Slid, I am the neatliest-made gallant i' the company, 
 and have the best presence ; and my dancing — well, 
 I know what our usher said to me last time I was at 
 the school. Would I might have let Philautia in the 
 measures, an it had been the gods' will ! I am most 
 worthy, I am sure. 
 
 Re-snter MoRUS. 
 
 Mortis. Master, I can tell you news ; the lady kissed 
 
250 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act iv. 
 
 me yonder, and played with me, and says she loved 
 you once as well as she does me, but that you cast her 
 ofr. 
 
 Aso. Peace, my most esteemed page. 
 
 Mortis. Yes. 
 
 Aso. What luck is this, that our revels are dashed ! 
 now was I beginning to glister in the very highway 
 of preferment. An Cynthia had but seen me dance 
 a strain, or do but one trick, I had been kept in court, 
 I should never have needed to look towards my friends 
 again. 
 
 Amo. Contain yourself, you were a fortunate young 
 man, if you knew your own good ; which I have now 
 projected, and will presently multiply upon you. 
 Beauties and valours, your vouchsafed applause to 
 a motion. The humorous Cynthia hath, for this night, 
 withdrawn the light of your delight. 
 
 Pha. 'Tis true, Amorphus : what may we do to 
 redeem it ? 
 
 Amo. Redeem that we cannot, but to create a new 
 flame is in our power. Here is a gentleman, my 
 scholar, whom, for some private reasons me specially 
 moving, I am covetous to gratify with title of master 
 in the noble and subtile science of courtship : for 
 which grace he shall this night, in court, and in the 
 long gallery, hold his public act, by open challenge, 
 to all masters of the mystery whatsoever, to play at 
 the four choice and principal weapons thereof, viz., 
 the Bare Accost, the Better Regard, the Solemn 
 Address, and the Perfect Close. What say you? 
 
 All. Excellent, excellent, Amorphus. 
 
 Amo. Well, let us then take our time by the fore- 
 head : I will instantly have bills drawn, and advanced 
 in every angle of the court. — Sir, betray not your 
 
SCENE I.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 251 
 
 too much joy. — Anaides, we must mix this gentleman 
 with you in acquaintance, Monsieur Asotus. 
 
 Ana. I am easily entreated to- grace any of your 
 friends, Amorphus. 
 
 Aso. Sir, and his friends shall likewise grace you, 
 sir. Nay, I begin to know myself now. 
 
 Amo. O, you must continue your bounties. 
 
 Aso. Must T ! Why, I'll give him this ruby on 
 my finger. Do you hear, sir ? I do heartily wish 
 your acquaintance, and I partly know myself worthy 
 of it ; please you, sir, to accept this poor ruby in a 
 ring, sir. The poesy is of my own device. Let this 
 Mush for me., sir. 
 
 Ana. So it must for me too, for I am not ashamed 
 to take it. 
 
 Morus. Sweet man ! By my troth, master, I love 
 you ; will you love me too, for my aunt's sake ? I'll 
 wait well, you shall see. I'll still be here. Would 
 I might never stir, but you are a fine man in these 
 clothes ; master, shall I have them when you have 
 done with them ? 
 
 Aso. As for that, Morus, thou shalt see more here- 
 after, in the meantime, by this air, or by this feather, 
 I'll do as much for thee, as any gallant shall do for his 
 page, whatsoever, in this court, corner of the world, 
 or kingdom. \_Exeunt all but the Pages. 
 
 Mer. I wonder this gentleman should affect to keep 
 a fool : methinks he makes sport enough with himself. 
 
 Cup. Well, Prosaites, 'twere good you did wait 
 closer. 
 
 Pro. Ay, I'll look to it ; 'tis time. 
 
 Cos. The revels would have been most sumptuous 
 to-night, if they had gone forward. \_Exit. 
 
 Mer. They must needs, when all the choicest 
 
252 
 
 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 
 
 [act IV. 
 
 singularities of the court were up in pantofles ; ne'er 
 a one of them but was able to make a whole show of 
 itself. 
 
 Aso. {wt'thtn.] Sirrah, a torch, a torch ! 
 
 Pro. O, what a call is there ! 1 will have a canzonet 
 made, with nothing in it but sirrah ; and the burthen 
 shall be, I come. \_Extf. 
 
 Mer. How now, Cupid, how do you like this 
 change ? 
 
 Cup. Faith, the thread of my device is cracked, I 
 may go sleep till the revelling music awake me. 
 
 Mer. And then too, Cupid, without you had pre- 
 vented the fountain. Alas, poor god, that remembers 
 not self-love to be proof against the violence of his 
 quiver ! Well, I have a plot upon these prizers, for 
 wKTch I must presently find out Crites, and with his 
 assistance pursue it to a high strain of laughter, or 
 Mercury hath lost of his metal. \_Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE FIFTH. 
 
 SCENE l.—The same. 
 
 Enter Mercury and Crites. 
 
 3ER. It is resolved on, Crites, you 
 must do It. 
 Ci'i. The grace divinest Mercury 
 have done me, 
 lu this vouchsafed discovery of him- 
 self, 
 
 Binds my observance in the utmost 
 term 
 Of satisfaction to his godly will : 
 Though I profess, without the affectation 
 Of an enforced and formed austerity, 
 I could be willing to enjoy no place 
 With so unequal natures. 
 
 Mer. We believe it. , 
 
 But for our sake, and to inflict just bains 
 
 On their prodigiousfollies, aid us now : 
 
 No man is presently made bad with ill. 
 
 And good men, like the sea, should still maintain 
 
 Their noble taste in midst of all fresh humours 
 
 That flow about them, to corrupt their streams. 
 
 Bearing no season, much less salt of goodness. 
 
254 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 f It is our purpose, Crites, to correct, 
 
 \ And punish, with our laughter, this night's sport, 
 Which our court-dorsso heartily intend : 
 And by that worthy scorn, to make them know 
 How far beneath the dignity of man 
 Their serious and most practised actions are. 
 
 C?'z'. Ay, but though Mercury can warrant out 
 His undertakings, and make all things good, 
 Out of the powers of his divinity, 
 Th' offence will be returned with weight on me, 
 That am a creatiire so despised and poor ; 
 When the whole court shall take itself abused 
 By our ironical confederacy. 
 
 Mer. You are deceived. The better ra^e in court. 
 That have the true nobility called^virtue, 
 Will apprehend it, as a grateful righ 
 Done to their separate merit ; and approve 
 The fit rebuke of so ridiculous heads. 
 Who with their apish customs and forced garbs 
 Would bring the name of courtier in contempt. 
 Did it not live unblemished in some few, 
 Whom equal Jove hath loved, and Phoebus formed 
 Of better metal, and in better mould. 
 
 Cri. Well, since my leader-on is Mercury, 
 I shall not fear to follow. If I fall. 
 My proper virtue shall be my relief. 
 That followed such a cause, and such a chief. \_Excunt. 
 
 SCENE II. — Another Room in the same. 
 
 Enter AsoTus and Amorphus. 
 Aso. No more, if you love me, good master ; you 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 255 
 
 are incompatible to live withal : send me for the 
 ladies ! 
 
 Amo. Nay, but intend me.' 
 
 Aso. Fear me not ; I warrant you, sir. 
 
 Amo. Render not yourself a refractory on the 
 sudden. I can allow well, you should repute highly, 
 heartily, and to the most, of your own endowments ; 
 it gives you forth to the world the more assured : 
 but with reservation of an eye, to be always turned 
 dutifully back upon your teacher. 
 
 Aso. Nay, good sir, leave it to me. Trust me with 
 trussing all the points of this action, I pray. 'Slid, I 
 hope we shall find wit to perform the science as well 
 as another. 
 
 Amo. I confess you to be of an apted and docible 
 humour. Yet there are certain punctilios, or (as I 
 may more nakedly insinuate them) , certain intrinsecate 
 strokes and wards, to which your activity is not yet 
 amounted, as your gentile dor in colours. For suppo- 
 sition, your mistress appears here in prize, ribanded 
 with green and yellow ; now, it is the part of every 
 obsequious servant, to be sure to have daily about him 
 copy and variety of colours, to be presently answerable 
 to any hourly or half hourly change in his mistress's 
 revolution 
 
 Aso. I know it, sir. 
 
 Amo. Give leave, I pray you — which, if your 
 antagonist, or player against )'0U, shall ignorantly be 
 without, and yourself can produce, you give him 
 the dor. 
 
 Aso. Ay, ay, sir. 
 
 Amo. Or, if you can possess your opposite, that the 
 green your mistress wears, is her rejoicing or exulta- 
 ■ Note me heedfuUy. 
 
256 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 tion in his service ; the yellow, suspicion of his truth, 
 from her height of affection : and that he, greenly 
 credulous, shall withdraw thus, in private, and from 
 the abundance of his pocket (to displace her jealous 
 conceit) steal into his hat the colour, whose blueness 
 doth express trueness, she being not so, nor so aifected ; 
 you give him the dor.' 
 
 Aso. Do not I know it, sir ? 
 
 Amo. Nay, good swell not above your under- 
 standing. There is yet a third dor in colours. 
 
 Aso. I know it too, I know it. 
 
 Amo. Do you know it too ? what is it ? make good 
 your knowledge. 
 
 Aso. Why, it is no matter for that. 
 
 Amo. Do it, on pain of the dor. 
 
 Aso. Why ; what is't, say you ? 
 
 Amo. Lo, you have given yourself the dor. But I 
 will remonstrate to you the third dor, which is not, as 
 the two former dors, indicative, but deliberative : as 
 how ? as thus. Your rivalis, with a dutiful and 
 serious care, lying in his bed, meditating how to 
 observe his mistress, dispatcheth his lacquey to the - 
 chamber early, to know what her colours are for the 
 day, with purpose to apply his wear that day accord- 
 ingly : you lay wait before, preoccupy the chamber- 
 maid, corrupt her to return false colours ; he follows 
 the fallacy, comes out accoutred to his believed in- 
 structions ; your mistress smiles, and you give him 
 the dor. 
 
 Aso. Why, so I told you, sir, I knew it. 
 
 Amo. Told me ! It is a strange outrecuidance : ■' 
 your humour too much redoundeth. 
 
 Aso. Why, sir, what, do you think you know more ? 
 
 ■ I.e., baffle, subject to scorn. = Pride, arrogance, or presumption. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 257 
 
 Amo. I know that a cook may as soon and properly 
 be said to smell well, as you to be wise. I know these 
 are most clear and clean strokes. But then, you 
 have your passages and imbrocatas in courtship ; as 
 the bitter bob in wit ; the reverse in face or wry- 
 mouth ; and these more subtile and secure offenders. 
 I will example unto you : your opponent makes entry 
 as you are engaged with your mistress. You seeing 
 him, close in her ear with this whisper. Here comes 
 your baboon^ disgrace him ; and withal stepping off, 
 fall on his bosom, and turning to her, politicly, aloud 
 say, Lady, regard this noble gentleman, a man rarely 
 parted, second to none in this court ; and then, 
 stooping over his shoulder, your hand on his breast, 
 your mouth on his backside, you give him the reverse 
 stroke, with this sanna, or stork's-bill, which makes 
 up your wit's bob most bitter. 
 
 Aso. Nay, for heaven's sake, teach me no more. I 
 know all as well — ■ — 'Slid, if I did not, why was I 
 nominated ? why did you choose me ? why did the 
 ladies prick out me ? I am sure there were other 
 gallants. But me of all the rest ! By that light, and, 
 as I am a courtier, would I might never stir, but 'tis 
 strange. Would to the lord the ladies would come 
 once ! 
 
 Enter Morphides. 
 
 Morp. Signior, the gallants and ladies are at hand. 
 Are you ready, sir ? 
 
 Amo. Instantly. Go, accomplish your attire. \_Exit 
 AsoTus.j Cousin Morphides, assist me to make good 
 the door with your officious tyranny. 
 
 Citizen [within.'\ By your leave, my masters there, 
 pray you let's come by. 
 Jon. II. s 
 
2s8 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Pages [wtthm.} You by ! why should you come by 
 more than we ? 
 
 Citizen's Wife [within.'\ Why, sir ! because he is 
 my brother that plays the prizes. 
 
 Morp. Your brother ! 
 
 Citizen \within.'\ Ay, her brother, sir, and we must 
 come in. 
 
 Tailor [within.] Why, what are you ? 
 
 Citizen [wiihh.'] I am her husband, sir. 
 
 Tailor [within.'] Then thrust forward your head. 
 
 Amo. What tumult is there ? 
 
 Morp. Who's there ? bear back there ! Stand from 
 the door ! 
 
 Amo. Enter none but the ladies and their hang- 
 byes. 
 
 Enter Phantaste, Philautia, Argurion, Moria, 
 Hedon, and Anaides, introducing two Ladies. 
 
 Welcome, beauties, and your kind shadows. 
 
 Hed, This country lady, my friend, good Signior 
 Amorphus. 
 
 Ana. And my cockatrice here. 
 
 Amo. She is welcome. 
 
 The Citizen and his Wife, Pages, &c., appear at 
 the door. 
 
 Morp. Knock those same pages there ; and, good- 
 man coxcomb the citizen, who would you speak 
 withal ? 
 
 Wife. My brother. 
 
 Amo With whom ? Your brother ! 
 
 Morp. Who is your brother ? 
 
 Wife. Master Asotus. 
 
 Amo. Master Asotus ! is he your brother ? he is 
 
SCENE 11.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 259 
 
 taken up with great persons ; he is not to know you 
 to-night. 
 
 Re-enter AsoTUS, hastily. 
 
 Aso. O Jove, master ! an there come e'er a citizen 
 gentlewoman in my name, let her have entrance, I 
 pray you : it is my sister. 
 
 Wife. Brother! 
 
 Cti. [thrusting in.] Brother, Master Asotus ! 
 
 Aso. Who's there ? 
 
 Wife. 'Tis I, brother. 
 
 Aso. Gods me, there she is 1 good master, intrude 
 her. 
 
 Morp. Make place ! bear back there ! 
 
 Enter Citizen's Wife. 
 
 Amo. Knock that simple fellow there. 
 
 Wife. Nay, good sir, it is my husband. 
 
 Morp. The simpler fellow he. — Away ! back with 
 your head, sir ! \JPushes the Citizen back. 
 
 Aso. Brother, you must pardon your non-entry : 
 husbands are not allowed here, in truth. I'll come 
 home soon with my sister ; pray you meet us with 
 a lantern, brother. Be merry, sister ; I shall make 
 you laugh anon. \_Exit. 
 
 Pha. Your prizer is not ready, Amorphus. 
 
 Amo. Apprehend your places ; he shall be soon, 
 and at all points. 
 
 Ana. Is there anybody come to answer him ? shall 
 we have any sport ? 
 
 Amo. Sport of importance ; howsoever, give me the 
 gloves. 
 
 Hed. Gloves 1 why gloves, signior ? 
 
 Phi. What's the ceremony ? 
 
26o CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act. v. 
 
 Amo. {distributing gloves."] Beside their received 
 fitness, at all prizes, they are here properly accommo- 
 date to the nuptials of my scholar's 'haviour to the 
 lady Courtship. Please you apparel your hands. 
 Madam Phantaste, Madam Philautia, guardian, Signior 
 Hedon, Signior Anaides, gentlemen all, ladies. 
 
 All. Thanks, good Amorphus. 
 
 Amo. 1 will now call forth my provost, and present 
 him. \_Exit. 
 
 Ana. Heart ! why should not we be masters as well 
 as he ? 
 
 lied. That's true, and play our masters' prizes as 
 well as the t'other ? 
 
 Mor. In sadness, for using your court-weapons, 
 methinks you may. 
 
 Pha. Nay, but why should not we ladies play our 
 prizes, I pray ? I see no reason but we should take 
 them down at their own weapons. 
 
 Phi. Troth, and so we may, if we handle them well. 
 
 Wife. Ay, indeed, forsooth, madam, if 'twere in 
 the city, we would think foul scorn but we would, 
 forsooth. 
 
 Pha. Pray you, what should we call your name ? 
 
 Wife. My name is Downfall. 
 
 Hed. Good Mistress Downfall ! I am sorry your 
 husband could not get in. 
 
 Wife. 'Tis no matter for him, sir. 
 
 A7ta. No, no, she has the more liberty for herself. 
 
 \_A flourish. 
 
 Pha. Peace, peace ! they come^ 
 
 Re-enter Amorphus, introducing AsoTus in a fUll- 
 dress suit. \ 
 
 Amo. So, keep up your ruff ; the tincture of youK 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 261 
 
 neck is not all so pure, but it will ask it. Maintain 
 your sprig upright ! your cloak on your half-shoulder 
 falling ; so : I will read your bill, advance it, and 
 present you. — Silence ! 
 
 " Be it known to all that profess courtship, by these 
 presents (from the white satin reveller, to the cloth of 
 tissue and bodkin) that we, Ulysses- Polytropus-Amor- 
 phus, master of the noble and subtile science of 
 courtship, do give leave and licence to our provost, 
 Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus, to play his master's 
 prize, against all masters whatsoever, in this subtile 
 mystery, at these four, the choice and most cunning 
 weapons of court-compliment, viz., the bare accost ; 
 
 the BETTER REGARD ; the SOLEMN ADDRESS ; and the 
 
 PERFECT CLOSE. These are therefore to give notice to 
 all comers, that he, the said Acolastus-Polypragmon- 
 Asotus, is here present (by the help of his mercer, 
 tailor, milliner, sempster, and so forth) at his designed 
 hour, in this fair gallery, the present day of this 
 present month, to perform and do his uttermost for 
 the achievement and bearing away of the prizes, which 
 are these : viz. For the Bar^ Accost, two wall-eyes in 
 a face forced : for the Better Regard, a face favourably 
 simpering, with a fan waving : for the Solemn Address, 
 two lips wagging, and never a wise word : for the 
 Perfect Close, a wring by the hand, with a banquet in 
 a corner. And Phcebus save Cynthia ! " 
 
 Appeareth no man yet, to answer the prizer ? no 
 voice ? — Music, give them their summons. \_Mustc. 
 
 Pha. The solemnity of this is excellent. 
 
 Amo. Silence ! Well, I perceive your name is 
 their terror, and keepeth them back. 
 
263 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Aso. I 'faith, master, let's go ; nobody comes. 
 Vtctus, victa, victum ; victi, vicice, victi — let's be 
 retrograde. 
 
 Amo. Stay. That were dispunct to the ladies. 
 Rather ourself shall be your encounter. Take your 
 state up to the wall ; and, lady \leading Moria to the 
 state'] may we implore you to stand forth, as first term 
 or bound to our courtship. 
 
 Hed. 'Fore heaven, 'twill show rarely. 
 
 Amo. Sound a charge. 
 
 \_A charge. 
 
 Ana. A pox on't ! Your vulgar will count this 
 fabulous and impudent now ! by that candle, they'll 
 never conceit it. 
 
 \They act their Accost severally to Moria. 
 
 Pha. Excellent well ! admirable ! 
 
 Phi. Peace ! 
 
 Hed. Most fashionably, believe it. 
 
 Phi. O, he is a well-spoken gentleman. 
 
 Pha. Now the other. 
 
 Phi. Very good. 
 
 Hed. For a scholar. Honour. 
 
 Ana. O, 'tis too Dutch. He reels too much. 
 
 \_A flourish. 
 
 Hed. This weapon is done. 
 
 Amo. No, we have our two bouts at every weapon ; 
 expect. 
 
 Cri. [within.] Where be these gallants, and their 
 brave prizer here ? 
 
 Morp. Who's there ? bear back : keep the door. 
 
 Enter Crites, introducing Mercury, fantastically 
 dressed. 
 
 Amo. What are you, sir ? 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 263 
 
 Crt. By your licence, grand-master. — Come forward, 
 sir. [7b Mercury. 
 
 Ana. Heart ! who let in that rag there amongst us ? 
 Put him out, an impecunious creature. 
 
 Hed. Out with him ! 
 
 Morp. Come, sir. 
 
 Amo. You must be retrograde. 
 
 Cri. Soft, sir, I am truchman,' and do flourish 
 before this monsieur, or French-behaved gentleman, 
 here ; who is drawn hither by report of your chartels, 
 advanced in icourt, to prove his . fortune with your 
 prizer, so he may have fair play shown him, and the 
 liberty to choose his stickler. 
 
 Amo. Is he a master ? 
 
 Cri. That, sir, he has to show here ; and confirmed 
 under the hands of the most skilful and cunning com- 
 plimentaries ^ alive : Please you read, sir. 
 
 \Gives him a certificate. 
 
 Amo. What shall we do ? 
 
 Ana. Death ! disgrace this fellow in the black stuff, 
 whatever you do. 
 
 Amo. Why, but he comes with the stranger. 
 
 Hed. That's no matter : he is our own countryman. 
 
 Ana. Ay, and he is a scholar besides. You may 
 disgrace him here with authority. 
 
 Amo. Well, see these first. 
 
 Aso. Now shall I be observed by yon scholar till I 
 sweat again ; I would to Jove it were over. 
 
 Cri. \to Mercury.] Sir, this is the wight of worth 
 that dares you to the encounter. A gentleman of so 
 pleasing and ridiculous a carriage ; as, even standing, 
 carries meat in the mouth, you see ; and, I assure you, 
 although no bred courtling, yet a most particular 
 
 ' Interpreter. ° Masters of defence. 
 
264 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 man, of goodly havings, well fashioned 'haviour, and 
 of as hardened and excellent a bark as the most 
 naturally qualified amongst them, informed, reformed, 
 and transformed from his original citycism ; by this 
 elixir, or mere magazine of man. And, for your 
 spectators, you behold them what they are : the most 
 choice particulars in court : this tells tales well : this 
 provides coaches ; this repeats jests ; this presents 
 gifts ; this holds up the arras ; this takes down from 
 horse ; this protests by this light ; this swears by that 
 candle ; this deligtiteth ; this adoreth : yet all but 
 three men. Then, for your ladies, the most proud, 
 witty creatures, all things app ehending, nothing 
 understanding, perpetually laughing, curious main- 
 tainers of fools, mercers, and minstrels, costly to be 
 kept, miserably keeping, all disdaining but their 
 painter and apothecary, 'twixt whom and them there 
 is this reciprock commerce, their beauties maintain their 
 painters, and their painters their beauties. 
 
 Mer. Sir, you have played the painter yourself, 
 and limned them to the life. I desire to deserve 
 before them. 
 
 Amo. {j'eturning the certificate.] This is authentic. 
 We must resolve to entertain the monsieur, howsoever 
 we neglect him. 
 
 Hed. Come, let's all go together, and salute him. 
 
 Ana. Content, and not look on the other. 
 
 Amo. Well devised ; and a most punishing disgrace. 
 
 Hed. On. 
 
 Amo. Monsieur, we must not so nmch betray our- 
 selves to discourtship, as to suffer you to be longer 
 unsaluted : please you to use the state ordained for 
 the opponent ; in which nature, without envy, we 
 receive you. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 265 
 
 Hed. And embrace you. 
 
 Aita. And commend us to you, sir. 
 
 Phi. Believe it, he is a man of excellent silence. 
 
 Pha. He keeps all his wit for action. 
 
 Ana. This hath discountenanced our scholaris, most 
 richly. 
 
 Hed. Out of all emphasis. The monsieur sees we 
 regard him not. 
 
 Amo. Hold on ; make it known how bitter a thing it 
 isnot to looked on in court. 
 
 Hed. 'Slud, will he call him to him yet ! Does not 
 monsieur perceive our disgrace ? 
 
 Ana. Heart ! he is a fool, I see. We have done 
 ourselves wrong to grace him. 
 
 Hed! 'Slight, what an ass was I to embrace 
 him ! 
 
 Crt. Illustrious and fearful judges 
 
 Hed. Turn away, turn away. 
 
 Cri. It is the suit of the strange opponent (to 
 whom you ought not to turn your tails, and whose 
 noses I must follow) that he may have the justice, 
 before he encounter his respected adversary, to see 
 some light stroke of his play, commenced with some 
 other. 
 
 Hed. Answer not him, but the stranger ; we will 
 not believe him. 
 
 Amo. I will demand him myself. 
 
 Crt. O dreadful disgrace, if a man were so foolish to 
 feel it ! 
 
 Amo. Is it your suit, monsieur, to see some pre- 
 lude of my scholar ? Now, sure the monsieur wants 
 language 
 
 Hed. And take upon him to be one of the accom- 
 plished ! 'Slight, that's a good jest ; would we could 
 
266 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 take him with that nullity. — Non sapete voi parlar' 
 Italiano ! 
 
 Ana. 'Sfoot, the carp has no tongue. 
 
 Cri. Signior, in courtship, you are to bid your 
 abettors forbear, and satisfy the monsieur's re- 
 quest. 
 
 Amo. Well, I will strike him more silent with 
 admiration, and terrify his daring hither. He shall 
 behold my own play with my scholar. Lady, with 
 the touch of your white hand, let me reinstate you. 
 \_Leads Moria back to the state.^ Provost, [fo 
 AsoTUS,] begin to me at the Bare Accost. \_A 
 charge.'] Now, for the honour of my discipline. 
 
 Hed. Signior Amorphus, reflect, reflect : what means 
 he by that mouthed wave ? 
 
 Crt. He is in some distaste of your fellow disciple. 
 
 Mer. Signior, your scholar might have played well 
 still, if he could have kept his seat longer : I have 
 enough of him now. He is a mere piece of glass, I see 
 through him by this time. 
 
 Amo. You come not to give us the scorn, monsieur ? 
 
 Mer. Nor to be frighted with a face, signior. I 
 have seen the lions. You must pardon me. I shall 
 be loth to hazard a reputation with one that has not 
 a reputation to lose. 
 
 Amo. How ! 
 
 Crt. Meaning your pupil, sir. 
 
 Ana. This is that black devil there. 
 
 Amo. You do offer a strange affront, monsieur. 
 
 Cri. Sir, he shall yield you all the honour of a 
 competent adversary, if you please to undertake him. 
 
 Mer. I am prest for the encounter. 
 
 Amo. Me ! challenge me ! 
 
 Aso. What, my master, sir ! 'Slight, monsieur, 
 
SCENEli.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 267 
 
 meddle with me, do you hear : but do not meddle 
 with my master. 
 
 Mer. Peace, good squib, go out. 
 
 Crt. And stink, he bids you. 
 
 Aso. Master ! 
 
 Amo. Silence ! I do accept him. Sit you down and 
 observe. Me ! he never profest a thing at more 
 charges. — Prepare yourself, sir. — Challenge me ! I 
 will prosecute what disgrace my hatred can dictate to 
 me. 
 
 Crt. How tender a traveller's spleen is ! Com- 
 parison to men that deserve least, is ever rnost 
 offensive. 
 
 Amo. You are instructed in our chartel, and know 
 our weapons ? 
 
 Mer. I appear not without their notice, sir. 
 
 Aso. But must I lose the prizes, master ? 
 
 Amo. I will win them for you ; be patient. — Lady, 
 [fo MoriaJ vouchsafe the tenure of this ensign. — Who 
 shall be your stickler ? 
 
 Mer. Behold him. [Points to Crites. 
 
 Amo. I would not wish you a weaker. — Sound, 
 musics. — I provoke you at the Bare Accost. 
 
 \_A charge. 
 
 Pha. Excellent comely ! 
 
 Cri. And worthily studied. This is the exalted 
 foretop. 
 
 Hed. O, his leg was too much produced. 
 
 Ana. And his hat was carried scurvily. 
 
 Phi. Peace ; let's see the monsieur's Accost. Rare ! 
 
 Pha. Sprightly and short. 
 
 Ana. True, it is the French courteau : ' he lacks 
 but to have his nose slit. 
 
 ' I.e., a little active horse : whence our curtal. 
 
268 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Hed. He does hop. He does bound too much. 
 
 \A flourish. 
 
 Amo. The second bout, to conclude this weapon. 
 
 [A charge. 
 
 Pha. Good, believe it ! 
 
 Phi. An excellent offer ! 
 
 Cri. This is called the solemn band-string. 
 
 Hed. Fob, that cringe was not put home. 
 
 Ana. He makes a face like a stabbed Lucrece. 
 
 Aso. Well, he would needs take it upon him, but 
 would I had done it for all this. He makes me sit still 
 here, like a baboon as I am. 
 
 Cri. Making villainous faces. 
 
 Phi. See, the French prepares it richly. 
 
 Cri. Ay, this is ycleped the Serious Trifle. 
 
 Ana, 'Slud, 'tis the horse-start out o' the brown 
 study. 
 
 Cri. Rather the bird-eyed stroke, sir. Your 
 observance is too blunt, sir. \_A flourish. 
 
 Amo. Judges, award the prize. Take breath, sir. 
 This bout hath been laborious. 
 
 Aso. And yet your critic, or your besogno,' will 
 think these things foppery, and easy, now ! 
 
 Cri. Or rather mere lunacy. For would any 
 reasonable creature make these his serious studies 
 and perfections, much less, only live to these ends ? to 
 be the false pleasure of a few, the true love of none, 
 and the just laughter of all ? 
 
 Hed. We must prefer the monsieur, we courtiers 
 must be partial. 
 
 Ana. Speak, guardian. Name the prize, at the 
 Bare Accost. 
 
 Mor. A pair of wall eyes in a face forced. 
 ' Beggar. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 269 
 
 Ana. Give the monsieur. Amorphus has lost his 
 eyes. 
 
 Amo. I ! Is the palate of your judgment down ? 
 Gentles, I do appeal. 
 
 Aso. Yes, master, to me : the judges be fools. 
 
 Ana. How now, sir ! tie up your tongue, mungrel. 
 He cannot appeal. 
 
 Aso. Say you, sir ? 
 
 Ana. Sit you still, sir. 
 
 Aso. Why, so I do ; do not I, I pray you ? 
 
 Mer. Remercie, madame, and these honourable 
 censors. 
 
 Amo. Well, to the second weapon, the Better 
 Regard. I will encounter you better. Attempt. 
 
 Hed. Sweet Honour. 
 
 Phi. What says my good Ambition ? 
 
 Hed. Which take you at this next weapon ? I lay 
 a Discretion with you on Amorphus 's head. 
 
 Phi. Why, I take the French behaved gentleman. 
 
 Hed. 'Tis done, a Discretion. 
 
 Cri. A. Discretion ! A pretty court-wager ! 
 Would any discreet person hazard his wit so ? 
 
 Pha. I'll lay a Discretion with you, Anaides. 
 
 Ana. Hang 'em, I'll not venture a doit of Discretion 
 on either of their heads. 
 
 Cri. No, he should venture all then. 
 
 Ana. I like none of their plays. \_A charge. 
 
 Hed. See, see ! this is strange play ! 
 
 Ana. 'Tis too full of uncertain motion. He hobbles 
 too much. 
 
 Cri. 'Tis called your court-staggers, sir. 
 
 Hed. That same fellow talks so now he has a place ! 
 
 Ana. Hang him ! neglect him. 
 
 Mer. " Your good ladyship's affectioned. " 
 
270 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Wife. Ods so ! they speak at this weapon, brother. 
 
 Asn. They must do so, sister ; how should it be the 
 Better Regard, else ? 
 
 Pha. Methinks he did not this respectively enough. 
 
 Phi. Why, the monsieur but dallies with him. 
 
 Hed. Dallies ! 'Slight, see ! he'll put him to 't in 
 earnest. — Well, done, Amorphus ! 
 
 Ana. That pufF was good indeed. 
 
 Cri. Ods me ! this is desperate play : he hits himself 
 o' the shins. 
 
 Hed. An he make this good through, he carries it, 
 I warrant him. 
 
 Cri. Indeed he displays his feet rarely. 
 
 Hed. See, see ! he does the respective leer damnably 
 well. 
 
 Amo. "The true idolater of your beauties shall 
 never pass their deities unadored : I rest your poor 
 knight." 
 
 Hed. See, now the oblique leer, or the Janus : he 
 satisfies all with that aspect most nobly. \_A flourish. 
 
 Cri. And most terribly he comes off; like your 
 rodomontado. 
 
 Pha. How like you this play, Anaides ? 
 
 Ana. Good play ; but 'tis too rough and boisterous. 
 
 Amo. I will second it with a stroke easier, wherein 
 I will prove his language. \A charge. 
 
 Ana. This is filthy, and grave, now. 
 
 Hed. O, 'tis cool and wary play. We must not 
 disgrace our own camerade too much. 
 
 Amo. " Signora, ho tanto obligo per le favore 
 resciuto da lei ; che veramente desidero con tutto il 
 core, a remunerarla in parte : e sicurative, signora mea 
 cara, che io sera sempre pronto a servirla, e honoraria. 
 Bascio le mane de vo' signoria." 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 271 
 
 Cri. The Venetian dop this.' 
 
 Pha. Most unexpectedly excellent ! The French 
 goes down certain. 
 
 Aso. " As buckets are put down into a well ; 
 Or as a school-boy " 
 
 Cri. Truss up your simile, jackdaw, and observe. 
 
 Hed. Now the monsieur is moved. 
 
 Ana. Bo-peep ! 
 
 Hed. O, most antick. 
 
 Cri. The French quirk, this, sir. 
 
 Ana. Heart, he will over-run her. 
 
 Mer. " Madamoyselle, Je voudroy que pouvoy 
 monstrer mon affection, mais je suis tant malheureuse, 
 ci froid, ci layd, ci — Je ne scay qui de dire — excuse 
 moi, Je suis tout vostre." \A flourish. 
 
 Phi. O brave and spirited ! he's a right Jovialist. 
 
 Pha. No, no : Amorphus's gravity outweighs it. 
 
 Cri. And yet your lady, or your feather, would out- 
 weigh both. 
 
 Ana. What's the prize, lady, at this Better Regard ? 
 
 Mor. A face favourably simpering, and a fan 
 waving. 
 
 Ana. They have done doubtfully. Divide. Give 
 the favourable face to the signior, and the light wave 
 to the monsieur. 
 
 Amo. You become the simper well, lady. 
 
 Mer. And the wag better. 
 
 Amo. Now to our Solemn Address. Please the 
 well-graced Philautia to relieve the lady sentinel ; she 
 hath stood long. 
 
 Phi. With all my heart ; come, guardian, resign 
 your place. [Moria comes from the state. 
 
 Amo. Monsieur, furnish yourself with what solem- 
 ' The dop is the dip, a very low bow, or curtesy. 
 
272 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act V. 
 
 nity of ornament you think fit for this third weapon ; 
 at which you are to show all the cunning of stroke 
 your devotion can possibly devise. 
 
 Mer. Let me alone, sir. I'll sufficiently decipher 
 your amorous solemnities. — Crites, have patience. 
 See, if I hit not all their practic observance, with 
 which they lime twigs to catch their fantastic lady- 
 birds. 
 
 Cri. Ay, but you should do more charitably to do 
 it more openly, that they might discover themselves 
 mocked in these monstrous affections. \A charge. 
 
 Mer. Lackey, where's the tailor ? 
 
 Enter Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Milliner, Jeweller, 
 and Feather-maker. 
 
 Tai. Here, sir. 
 
 Hed^ See, they have their tailor, barber, perfumer, 
 milliner, jeweller, feather-maker, all in common ! 
 
 \They make themselves ready on the stage. 
 
 Ana. Ay, this is pretty. 
 
 Amo. Here is a hair too much, take it off. Where 
 are thy mullets ? ' 
 
 Mer. Is this pink of equal proportion to this cut, 
 standing off this distance from it ? 
 
 Tai. That it is, sir. 
 
 Mer. Is it so, sir ? You impudent poltroon, you 
 
 slave, you list, you shreds, you 
 
 \_Beats the Tailor. 
 
 Hed. Excellent ! This was the best yet. 
 
 Ana. Why, we must use our tailors thus : this is 
 our true magnanimity. 
 
 Mer. Come, go to, put on ; we must bear with you 
 for the times' sake. 
 
 ' Small pincers. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 273 
 
 Amo. Is the perfume rich in this jerkin ? 
 Per. Taste, smell ; I assure you, sir, pure benjamin,' 
 the only spirited scent that ever awaked a Neapolitan 
 nostril. You would wish yourself all nose for the love 
 on't. I frotted a jerkin for a new-revenued gentleman 
 yielded me threescore crowns but this morning, and 
 the same titillation. 
 
 Amo. I savour no sampsuchine in it.^ 
 
 Per. I am a Nulli-fidian, if there be not three-thirds 
 of a scruple more of sampsuchinum in this confection 
 than ever I put in any. I'll tell you all the ingre- 
 dients, sir. 
 
 Amo. You shall be simple to discover your simples. 
 
 Per. Simple ! why, sir ? What reck I to whom 
 I discover ? I have in it musk, civet, amber, Phoeni- 
 cobalanus, the decoction of turmerick, sesana, nard, 
 spikenard, calamus odoratus, stacte, opobalsamum, 
 amomum, storax, ladanum, aspalathum, opoponax, 
 oenanthe. And what of all these now ? what are 
 you the better ? Tut, it is the sorting, and the divid- 
 ing, and the mixing, and the tempering, and the 
 searching, and the decocting, that makes the fumiga- 
 tion and the sufFumigation. 
 
 Amo. Well, indue me with it. 
 
 Per. I will, sir. 
 
 Hed. An excellent confection. 
 
 Cri. And most worthy a true voluptuary. Jove ! 
 what a coil these musk-worms take to purchase 
 another's delight ? for themselves, who bear the 
 odours, have ever the least sense of them. Yet I do 
 like better the prodigality of jewels and clothes, 
 whereof one passeth to a man's heirs : the other at 
 least wears out time. This presently expires, and, 
 
 ' An aromatic gum. " Sweet marjoram. 
 
 Jon. II. T 
 
274 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 without continual riot in reparation, is lost : which 
 whoso strives to keep, it is one special argument to 
 me, that, aifecting to smell better than other men, he 
 doth indeed smell far worse. 
 
 Mer. I know you will say, it sits well, sir. 
 
 Tat. Good faith, if it do not, sir, let your mistress be 
 judge. 
 
 Mer. By heaven, if my mistress do not like it, I'll 
 make no more conscience to undo thee than to undo 
 an oyster. 
 
 Tai. Believe it, there's ne'er a mistress in the world 
 can mislike it. 
 
 Mer. No, not goodwife tailor, your mistress ; that 
 has only the judgment to heat your pressing-tool. 
 But for a court-mistress that studies these decorums, 
 and knows the proportion of every cut to a hair, 
 knows why such a colour is cut upon such a colour, 
 and when a satin is cut upon six taffataes, will look 
 
 that we should dive into the depth of the cut Give 
 
 me my scarf. Show some ribands, sirrah. Have you 
 the feather ? 
 
 Feat. Ay, sir. 
 
 Mer. Have you the jewel ? 
 
 Jew. Yes, sir. 
 
 Mer. What must I give for the hire on't ? 
 Jew. You shall give me six crowns, sir. 
 
 Mer. Six crowns ! By heaven-'twere a good deed to 
 borrow it of thee to show, and never let thee have it 
 again. 
 
 Jew. I hope your worship will not do so, sir. 
 
 Mer. By Jove, sir, there be such tricks stirring, 
 I can tell you, and worthily too. Extorting knaves, 
 
 that live by these court-decorums, and yet What's 
 
 your jewel worth, I pray ? 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 275 
 
 Jew. A hundred crowns, sir. 
 
 Mer. A hundred crowns, and six for the loan on't 
 an hour ! what's that in the hundred for the year ? 
 These impostors would not be hanged ! Your thief is 
 not comparable to them, by Hercules. Well, put it 
 in, and the feather ; you will have it an you shall, 
 and the pox give you good on't ! 
 
 Amo. Give me my confects, my moscadini, and 
 place those colours in my hat. 
 
 Mer. These are Bolognian ribands, I warrant you. 
 
 Mil. In truth, sir, if they be not right Granado 
 silk , 
 
 Mer, A pox on you, you'll all say so. 
 
 Mil. You give me not a penny, sir. 
 
 Mer. Come, sir, perfume my devant ; 
 " May it ascend, like solemn sacrifice. 
 Into the nostrils of the Queen of Love ! " 
 
 Hed. Your French ceremonies are the best. 
 
 Ana. Monsieur, signior, your Solemn Address is 
 too long ; the ladies long to have you come on. 
 
 Amo. Soft, sir, our coming on is not so easily 
 prepared. Signior Fig ! 
 
 Per. Ay, sir. 
 
 Amo. Can you help my complexion, here ? 
 
 Per. O yes, sir, I have an excellent mineral fucus 
 for the purpose. The gloves are right, sir ; you shall . 
 bury them in a muck-hill, a draught, seven years, and 
 take them out, and wash them, they shall still retain 
 their first scent, true Spanish. There's ambre in the 
 umbre. 
 
 Mer. Your price, sweet Fig ? 
 
 Per. Give me what you will, sir ; the signior pays 
 me two crowns a pair ; you shall give me your love, 
 sir. 
 
276 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Mer. My love ! with a pox to you, goodman 
 Sassafras. 
 
 Per. I come, sir. There's ah excellent diapasm in 
 a chain too, if you like it. 
 
 Amo. Stay, what are the ingredients to your fucus ? 
 
 Per. Nought but sublimate and crude mercury, sir, 
 well prepared and dulcified, with the jaw-bones of a 
 sow, burnt, beaten, and searced.' 
 
 Amo. I approve it. Lay it on. 
 
 Mer. I'll have your chain of pomander, sirrah ; 
 what's your price ? 
 
 Per. We'll agree, monsieur ; I'll assure you it was 
 both decocted and dried where no sun came, and kept 
 in an onyx ever since it was balled, 
 
 Mer. Come, ■ invert my mustachio, and we have 
 done. 
 
 Amo. 'Tis good. 
 
 Bar. Hold still, I pray you, sir. 
 
 Per. Nay, the fucus is exorbitant, sir. 
 
 Mer. Death, dost thou burn me, harlot ! 
 
 Bar. I beseech you, sir. 
 
 Mer. Beggar, varlet, poltroon. \_Beats him. 
 
 Hed. Excellent, excellent ! 
 
 Ana. Your French beat is the most natural beat of 
 the world. 
 . Aso. O that I had played at this weapon ! 
 
 \_A charge. 
 
 Pha. Peace, now they come on ; the second part. 
 
 Amo. " Madam, your beauties being so attractive, 
 I muse you are left thus alone." 
 
 Phi. " Better be alone, sir, than ill-accompanied." 
 
 Amo. " Nought can be ill, lady, that can come near 
 your goodness." 
 
 Finely sifted. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. i17 
 
 Mer. -" Sweet madam, on what part of you soever 
 a man casts his eye, he meets with perfection ; you 
 are the Hvely image of Venus throughout ; all the 
 graces smile in your cheeks ; your beauty nourishes as 
 well as delights ; you have a tongue steeped in honey, 
 and a breath like a panther, your breasts and forehead 
 are whiter than goat's milk or May blossoms ; a cloud 
 is not so soft as your skin " 
 
 Hed. Well strook, monsieur ! He charges like a 
 Frenchman indeed, thick and hotly. 
 
 Mer. " Your cheeks are Cupid's baths, wherein he 
 uses to steep himself in milk and nectar : he does light 
 all his torches at your eyes, and instructs you how to 
 shoot and wound with their beams. Yet I love nothing 
 in you more than your innocence ; you retain so 
 native a simplicity, so unblamed a behaviour! Me- 
 thinks, with such a love, I should find no head, 
 nor foot of my pleasure ; you are the very spirit of a 
 lady." 
 
 Ana. Fair play, monsieur, you are too hot on the 
 quarry'; give your competitor audience. 
 
 Amo. " Lady, how stirring soever the monsieur's 
 tongue is, he will lie by your side more dull than your 
 eunuch." 
 
 Ana. A good stroke ; that mouth was excellently 
 put over. 
 
 Amo. " You are fair, lady " 
 
 Cri. You offer foul, signior, to close ; keep your dis- 
 tance ; for all your bravo rampant here. 
 
 Amo. "I say you are fair, lady, let your choice be 
 fit, as you are fair." 
 
 Mer. " I say ladies do never believe they are fair, till 
 some fool begins to doat upon them." 
 
 Phi. You play too rough, gentlemen. 
 
27 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act. v. 
 
 Amo. " Your Frenchified fool is your only fool, lady : 
 I do ^ield to this honourable monsieur in all civil and 
 humane courtesy." \_A flourish. 
 
 Mer. Buz ! 
 
 Ana. Admirable. Give him the prize, give him 
 the prize : that mouth again was most courtly hit, and 
 rare. 
 
 Amo. I knew I should pass upon him with the bitter 
 bob. 
 
 Hed. O, but the reverse was singular. 
 
 Pha. It was most subtile, Amorphus. 
 
 Aso. If I had done 't, it should have been better. 
 
 Mcr. How heartily they applaud this, Crites ! 
 
 Cri. You suffer them too long. 
 
 Mer. I'll take off their edge instantly. 
 
 Ana. Name the prize, at the Solemn Address. 
 
 Phi. Two lips wagging. 
 
 Cri. And never a wise word, I take it. 
 
 Ana. Give to Amorphus. And, upon him again ; 
 let him not draw free breath. 
 
 Amo. Thanks, fair deliverer, and my honourable 
 judges. Madam Phantaste, you are our worthy object 
 at this next weapon. 
 
 Pha. Most covetingly ready, Amorphus. 
 
 \_She takes the state instead of Vvni.AijriA. 
 
 Hed. Your monsieur is crest-fallen. 
 
 Alia. So are most of them once a year. 
 
 Amo. You will see, I shall now give him the gentle 
 Dor presently, he forgetting to shift the colours, which 
 are now changed with alteration of the mistress. At 
 your last weapon, sir. The Perfect Close. Set forward. 
 \_A charge.] Intend your approach, monsieur. 
 
 Mer. 'Tis yours, signior. 
 
 Amo. With your example, sir. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'' S REVELS. 279 
 
 Mer. Not I, sir. 
 
 Amo. It is your right. 
 
 Mer. By no possible means. 
 
 Amo. You have the way. 
 
 Mer. As I am noble 
 
 ^ Amo. As I am virtuous 
 
 Mer. Pardon me, sir. 
 
 Amo. I will die first. 
 
 Mer. You are a tyrant in courtesy. 
 
 Amo. He is removed. \_Stays Mercury on his 
 moving-.] Judges, bear witness. 
 
 Mer. What of that, sir ? 
 
 Amo. You are removed, sir. 
 
 Mer. Well. 
 
 Amo. I challenge you ; you have received the Dor. 
 Give me the prize. 
 
 Mer. Soft, sir. How, the Dor ? 
 
 Amo. The common mistress, you see, is changed. 
 
 Mer. Right, sir. 
 
 Amo. And you have still in your hat the former 
 colours. 
 
 Mer. You lie, sir, I have none : I have pulled them 
 out. I meant to play discoloured. 
 
 \^A JlourisA. 
 
 Cri. The Dor, the Dor, the Dor, the Dor, the Dor, 
 the palpable Dor ! 
 
 Ana. Heart of my blood, Amorphus, what have you 
 done ? stuck a disgrace upon us all, and at your last 
 weapon ! 
 
 Aso. I could have done no more. 
 
 Hed. By heaven, it was most unfortunate luck. 
 
 Ana. Luck ! by that candle, it was mere rashness, 
 and oversight ; would any man have ventured to play 
 so open, and forsake his ward ? D — n me, if he have 
 
28o CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act V. 
 
 not eternally undone himself in court, and discounte- 
 nanced us that were his main countenance, by it. _ 
 
 Arm. Forgive it now : it was the solecism of my 
 stars. 
 
 Cri. The Wring by the hand, and the Banquet, is 
 ours. 
 
 Mer. O, here's a lady feels like a wench of the first 
 year ; you would think her hand did melt in your 
 touch ; and the bones of her fingers ran out at length 
 when you prest 'em, they are so gently delicate ! He 
 that had the grace to print a kiss on these lips, should 
 taste wine and rose-leaves. O, she kisses as close as a 
 cockle. Let's take them down, as deep as our hearts, 
 wench, till our very souls mix. Adieu, signior : good 
 faith, I shall drink to you at supper, sir. 
 
 Atia. Stay, monsieur. Who awards you the prize ? 
 
 Cri. Why, his proper merit, sir ; you see he has 
 played down your grand garb-master here. 
 
 Ana. That's not in your logic to determine, sir : 
 you are no courtier. This is none of your seven or 
 nine beggarly sciences, but a certain mystery above 
 them, wherein we that have skill must pronounce, and 
 not such fresh men as you are. 
 
 Cri. Indeed, I must declare myself to you no profest 
 courtling ; nor to have any excellent stroke at your 
 subtile weapons ; yet if you please, I dare venture a 
 hit with you, or your fellow. Sir Dagonet, here. 
 
 Ana. With me ? 
 
 Cri. Yes, sir. 
 
 Ana. Heart, I shall never have such a fortune to 
 save myself in a fellow again, and your two reputations, 
 gentlemen, as in this. I'll undertake him. 
 
 Hed. Do, and swinge him soundly, good Anaides. 
 
 Ana. Let me alone ; I'll play other manner of play 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 281 
 
 than has been seen yet. I would the prize lay 
 on't! 
 
 Mer. It shall if you will, I forgive my right. 
 
 Ana. Are you so confident ! what's your weapon ? 
 
 Cri. At any, I, sir. 
 
 Mer. The Perfect Close, that's now the best. 
 
 Ana. Content, I'll pay your scholarity. Who 
 offers ? 
 
 Cri. Marry, that will I : I dare give you that 
 advantage too. 
 
 Ana. You dare ! well, look to your liberal sconce. 
 
 Amo. Make your play still, upon the answer, sir. 
 
 Ana. Hold your peace, you are a hobby-horse. 
 
 Aso. Sit by me, master. 
 
 Mer. Now, Crites, strike home. \A charge. 
 
 Cri. You shall see me undo the assured swaggerer 
 with a trick, instantly : I will play all his own play 
 before him ; court the wench in his garb, in his phrase, 
 with his face ; leave him not so much as a look, an 
 eye, a stalk, or an imperfect oath, to express himself 
 by, after me. \_Aside to Mercury. 
 
 Mer. Excellent, Crites. 
 
 Ana. When begin you, sir ? have you consulted ? 
 
 Cri. To your cost, sir. Which is the piece stands 
 forth to be courted ? O, are you she ? \_To Philautia.] 
 "Well, madam, or sweet lady, it is so, I do love you 
 in some sort, do you conceive ? and though I am no 
 monsieur, nor no signior, and do want, as they say, 
 logic and sophistry, and good words, to tell you why 
 it is so ; yet by this hand and by that candle it is so ; 
 and though I be no book-worm, nor one that deals by 
 art, to give you rhetoric and causes why it should be 
 so, or make it good it is so ; yet d — n me, but I know 
 it is so, and am assured it is so, and I and my sword 
 
282 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act V. 
 
 shall make it appear it is so, and give you reason suffi- 
 cient how it can be no otherwise but so 
 
 Hed. 'Slight, Anaides, you are mocked, and so we 
 are all. 
 
 Mer. How now, signior ! what, suffer yourself to be 
 cozened of your courtship before your face ? 
 
 Hed. This is plain confederacy to disgrace us : let's 
 be gone, and plot some revenge. 
 
 Amo. " When men disgraces share. 
 The lesser is the care." 
 
 Cri. Nay, stay, my dear Ambition. [7b Hedon.] 
 I can do you over too. You that tell your mistress, 
 her beauty is all composed of theft ; her hair stole 
 from Apollo's goldy-locks ; her white and red, lilies 
 and roses stolen out of paradise ; her eyes two stars, 
 plucked from the sky ; her nose the gnomon of Love's 
 dial, that tells you how the clock of your heart goes ; 
 and for her other parts, as you cannot reckon them, 
 they are so many ; so you cannot recount them, they 
 are so manifest. Yours, if his own, unfortunate Hoy- 
 den, instead of Hedon. \A flourish. 
 
 Aso. Sister, come away, I cannot endure them 
 longer. \_Exeunt all but Mercury and Crites. 
 
 Mer. Go, Dors, and you, my madam Courtingstocks, 
 Follow your scorned and derided mates ; 
 Tell to your guilty breasts, what mere gilt blocks 
 You are, and how unworthy human states. 
 
 Cri. Now, sacred God of Wit, if you can make 
 Those, whom our sports tax in these apish graces. 
 Kiss, like the fighting snakes, your peaceful rod ; 
 These* times shall canonize you for a god. 
 
 Mer. Why, Crites, think you any noble spirit, 
 Or any, worth the title of a man. 
 Will be incensed to see the enchanted veils 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 283 
 
 Of self-conceit, and servile flattery, 
 Wrapt in so many folds by time and custom. 
 Drawn from his wronged and bewitched eyes ? 
 Who sees not now their shape and nakedness, 
 Is blinder than the son of earth, the mole ; 
 Crowned with no more humanity, nor soul. 
 
 Crt. Though they may see it, yet the huge estate, 
 Fancy, and form, and sensual pride have gotten, 
 Will make them blush for anger, not for shame. 
 And turn shown nakedness to impudence. 
 Humour is now the test we try things in : 
 All power is just : nought that delights is sin. 
 And yet the zeal of every knowing man 
 Opprest with hills of tyranny, cast on virtue 
 By the light fancies of fools, thus transported. 
 Cannot but vent the JEXa.2^ of his fires, 
 T'inflame best bosoms with much worthier love 
 Than of these outward and effeminate shades ; 
 That these vain joys, in which their wills consume 
 Such powers of wit and soul as are of force 
 To rise their beings to eternity. 
 May be converted on works fitting men : 
 And, for the practice of a forced look, 
 An antic gesture, or a fustian phrase. 
 Study the native frame of a true heart. 
 An inward comeliness of bounty, knowledge. 
 And spirit that may conform them actually 
 To God's high figures, which they have in power ; 
 Which to neglect for a self-loving neatness. 
 Is sacrilege of an unpardoned greatness. 
 
 Mer. Then let the truth of these things strengthen 
 thee. 
 In thy exempt and only man-like course ; 
 Like it the more, the less it is respected : 
 
284 . CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Though men fail, virtue is by gods protected. — 
 
 See, here comes Arete ; I'll withdraw myself. \^Exit. 
 
 Enter Arete. 
 
 Are. Crites, you must provide straight for a masque, 
 'Tis Cynthia's pleasure. 
 
 Cri. How, bright Arete ! 
 Why, 'twere a labour more for Hercules : 
 Better and sooner durst I undertake 
 To make the different seasons of the year. 
 The winds or elements, to sympathize. 
 Than their unmeasurable vanity 
 Dance truly in a measure. They agree ! 
 What though all concord's born of contraries ; 
 So many follies will confusion prove. 
 And like a sort of jarring instruments, 
 All out of tune : because, indeed, we see 
 There is not that analogy 'twixt discords. 
 As between things but merely opposite. 
 
 Are. There is your error : for as Hermes' wand 
 Charms the disorders of tumultuous ghosts ; 
 And as the strife of Chaos then did cease. 
 When better light than Nature's did arrive : 
 So what could never in itself agree, 
 Forgetteth the eccentric property. 
 And at her sight turns forthwith regular, 
 Whose sceptre guides the flowing ocean : 
 And though it did not, yet the most of them 
 Being either courtiers, or not wholly rude. 
 Respect of majesty, the place, and presence, 
 Will keep them within ring, especially 
 When they are not presented as themselves, 
 But masqued like others : for, in troth, not so 
 To incorporate them, could be nothing else. 
 
SCENE II.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 285 
 
 Than like a state ungoverned, without laws, 
 Or body made of nothing but diseases : 
 The one, through impotency, poor and wretched ; 
 The other, for the anarchy, absurd. 
 
 Cri. But, lady, for the revellers themselves. 
 It would be better, in my poor conceit, 
 That others were employed ; for such as are 
 Unfit to be in Cynthia's court, can seem 
 No less unfit to be in Cynthia's sports. 
 
 Are. That, Crites, is not purposed without 
 Particular knowledge of the goddess' mind ; 
 Who holding true intelligence, what follies 
 Had crept into her palace, she resolved 
 Of sports and triumphs, under that pretext. 
 To have them muster in their pomp and fulness, 
 That so she might more strictly, and to root, 
 Effect the refor mation sh e intends. 
 
 Cri. I riSwconceive her heavenly drift in all. 
 And will apply my spirits to serve her will. 
 O thou, the very power by which I am. 
 And but for which it were in vain to be. 
 Chief next Diana, virgin heavenly fair. 
 Admired Arete, of them admired 
 Whose souls are not enkindled by the sense. 
 Disdain not my chaste fire, but feed the fiame 
 Devoted truly to thy gracious name. 
 
 Are. Leave to suspect us : 'Crites well shall find. 
 As we are now most dear, we'll prove most kind. 
 
 [ 'Within.\ Arete ! 
 
 Are. Hark, I'm called. 
 
 Cri. I follow instantly. 
 Phoebus Apollo, if with ancient rites. 
 And due devotions, I have ever hung 
 Elaborate Paeans on thy golden shrine, 
 
286 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act V. 
 
 Or sung thy triumphs in a lofty strain, 
 
 Fit for a theatre of gods to hear ; 
 
 And thou, the other son of mighty Jove, 
 
 Cyllenian Mercury, sweet Maia's joy, 
 
 If in the busy tumults of the mind 
 
 My path thou ever hast illumined. 
 
 For which thine altars I have oft perfumed, 
 
 And decked thy statues with discoloured flowers : 
 
 Now thrive invention in this glorious court. 
 
 That not of bounty only, but of right, 
 
 Cynthia may grace, and give it life by sight. \_Exit. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 ^«fer Hesperus, Cynthia, Arete, Time, Phronesis, 
 and Thauma. 
 
 Music accompanied. Hesperus sings. 
 
 Queen, and huntress, chaste and fair, 
 Now the sun is laid to sleep, 
 Seated in thy silver chair. 
 State in wonted manner keep : 
 
 Hesperus entreats thy light. 
 
 Goddess, excellently bright. 
 
 Earth, let not thy envious shade 
 Dare itself to interpose ; 
 Cynthia's shining orb was made 
 Heav'n to clear, when day did close : 
 
 Bless us then with wished sight. 
 
 Goddess excellently bright. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 287 
 
 Lay thy bow of pearl apart, 
 
 And thy crystal shining quiver ; 
 
 Give unto the flying hart 
 
 Space to breathe, how short soever : 
 
 Thou that mak'st a day of night 
 
 Goddess excellently bright. 
 
 Cyii. When hath Diana, like an envious wretch. 
 That glitters only to his soothed self. 
 Denying to the world the precious use 
 Of hoarded wealth, withheld her friendly aid? 
 Monthly we spend our still-repaired shine. 
 And not forbid our virgin-waxen torch 
 To burn and blaze while nutriment doth last : 
 That once consumed, out of Jove's treasury 
 A new we take, and stick it in our sphere, 
 To give the mutinous kind of wanting men 
 Their looked-for light. Yet what is their desert ? 
 Bounty is wronged, interpreted as due : 
 Mortals can challenge not a ray, by right. 
 Yet do expect the whole of Cynthia's light. 
 But if that deities withdrew their gifts 
 For human follies, what could men deserve 
 But death and darkness ? It behoves the high. 
 For their own sakes, to do things worthily. 
 
 Are. Most true, most sacred goddess ; for the 
 heavens 
 Receive no good of all the good they do : 
 Nor Jove, nor you, nor other heavenly Powers, 
 Are fed with fumes which do from incense rise. 
 Or sacrifices reeking in their gore ; 
 Yet for the care which you of mortals have, 
 (Whose proper good it is that they be so,) 
 You well are pleased with odours redolent : 
 
288 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [ACT v. 
 
 But ignorant is all the race of men, 
 
 Which still complains, not knowing why, or when. 
 
 Cyn. Else, noble Arete, they would not blame. 
 And tax, or for unjust, or for as proud. 
 Thy Cynthia, in the things which are indeed 
 The greatest glories in our starry crown ; 
 Such is our chastity, which safely scorns, 
 Not love, for who more fervently doth love 
 Immortal honour, and divine renown ? 
 But giddy Cupid, Venus' frantic son. 
 Yet, Arete, if by this veiled light 
 We but discovered (what we not discern) 
 Any the least of imputations stand 
 Ready to sprinkle our unspotted fame 
 With note of lightness, from these revels near ; 
 Not, for the empire of the universe, 
 Should night, or court, this whatsoever shine. 
 Or grace of ours, unhappily enjoy. 
 Place and occasion are two privy thieves. 
 And from poor innocent ladies often steal 
 The best of things, an honourable name ; 
 To stay with follies, or where faults may be. 
 Infers a crime, although the party free. 
 
 Are. How Cynthianly, that is, how worthily 
 And like herself, the matchless Cynthia speaks ! 
 Infinite jealousies, infinite regards. 
 Do watch about the true virginity : 
 But Phoebe lives from all, not only fault. 
 But as from thought, so from suspicion free. 
 Thy presence broad-seals our delights for pure ; 
 What's done in 'Cynthia's sight is done secure. 
 
 Cyn. That then so answered, dearest Arete, 
 What th' argument, or of what sort our sports 
 Are like to be this night, I not demand. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 289 
 
 Nothing which duty, and desire to please, 
 Bears written in the forehead, comes amiss. 
 But unto whose invention must we owe 
 The complement of this night's furniture ? 
 
 Are. Excellent goddess, to a man's, whose worth, 
 Without hyperbole, I thus may praise ; 
 One at least studious of deserving well. 
 And, to speak truth, indeed deserving well. 
 Potential merit stands for actual. 
 Where only opportunity doth want. 
 Not will, nor power ; both which in him abound. 
 One whom the Muses and Minerva love ; 
 For whom should they, than Crites, more esteem. 
 Whom Phoebus, though not Fortune, holdeth dear ? 
 And, which convinceth excellence in him, 
 A principal admirer of yourself. 
 Even through the ungentle injuries of Fate, 
 And difficulties, which do virtue choke, 
 Thus much of him appears. What other things 
 Of farther note do lie unborn in him. 
 Them I do leave for cherishment to show. 
 And for a goddess graciously to judge. 
 
 Cyn. We have already judged him. Arete ; 
 Nor are we ignorant how noble minds 
 Suffer too much through those indignities : 
 Which times and vicious persons cast on them. 
 Ourself have ever vowed to esteem 
 As virtue for itself, so fortune, base ; 
 Who's first in worth, the same be first in place. 
 Nor farther notice. Arete, we crave 
 Than thine approval's sovereign warranty : 
 Let 't be thy care to make us known to him ; 
 Cynthia shall brighten what the world niade dim. . 
 
 \_Exit Arete.. 
 
 Jon. II. u 
 
290 
 
 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act V. 
 
 The First Masque. 
 Enter Cupid, disguised as Anteros, followed hy 
 
 - SxORG^jplGLAIA, EuPHANTASTE, «««^ APHELEIA. ( 
 
 Cup. " Clear pearl of heaven, and, not to be farmer 
 ambitious in titles, Cynthia ! the fame of this illus- 
 trious night, among others, hath also drawn these four 
 fair virgins from the palace of their queen Perfection, 
 (a word which makes no sufficient difference betwixt 
 hers and thine,) to visit thy imperial court : for she, 
 their sovereign, not finding where to dwell among 
 men, before her return to heaven, advised them wholly 
 to consecrate themselves to thy celestial service, as in 
 whose clear spirit (the proper element and sphere of 
 virtue) they should behold not her alone, their ever- 
 honoured mistress, but themselves (more truly them- 
 selves) to live enthronized. Herself would have com- 
 mended them unto thy favour more particularly, but 
 that she knows no commendation is more available 
 with thee than that of proper virtue. Nevertheless 
 she willed them to present this crystal mound,' a note 
 of monarchy, and symbol of perfection, to thy more 
 worthy deity ; which, as here by me they most humbly 
 do, so amongst the rarities thereof, that is the chief, to 
 show whatsoever the world hath excellent, howsoever 
 remote and various. But your irradiate judgment will 
 soon discover the secrets of this little crystal world. 
 Themselves, to appear more plainly, because they 
 know nothing more odious than fa lse pret exts, have 
 chosen to express their several qualities thus in several 
 colours. 
 
 " The first, in citron colour, is natural aflTection, 
 which, given us to procure our good, is sometime 
 
 ■ Mound is an orb or globe : and by this name particularly the 
 globe is called which the king carries at his coronation. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. sgi 
 
 called -Storge ; and as every one is nearest to himself, 
 so this handmaid of reason, allowable Self-love, as it is 
 without harm, so are none without it : her place in 
 the court of Perfection was to quicken minds in the 
 pursuit of honour. Her device is a perpendicular level, 
 upon a cube or square ; the word se suo modulo ; 
 alluding to that true measure of one's self, which, as 
 every one ought to make, so is it most conspicuous in 
 thy divine example. 
 
 "The second, in green, is Aglaia, delectable and 
 pleasant conversation, whose property is to move a 
 kindly delight, and sometime not without laughter : 
 her office to entertain assemblies, and keep societies 
 together with fair familiarity. Her device, within a 
 ring of clouds, a heart with shine about it ; the word, 
 cur arum nuhila pello : an allegory of Cynthia's light, 
 which no less clears the sky than her fair mirth the 
 heart. 
 
 " The third, in the discoloured mantle spangled all 
 over, is Euphantaste, a well-conceite d Wittin ess, and 
 employed in honouring the court with the riches of 
 her pure invention. Her device, upon a Petasus, or 
 Mercurial hat, a crescent ; the word, stc laus ingenii ; 
 inferring that the praise and glory of wit doth ever 
 increase, as doth thy growing moon. 
 
 "The fourth, in white, is Apheleia, a nymph as 
 pure and simple as the soul, or as an abrase table, and 
 is therefore calle d Simplicit y ; without folds, without 
 plaits, without colour, without counterfeit ; and, (to 
 speak plainly) plainness itself. Her device is no 
 device. The word under her silver shield, omnts abest 
 fucus; alluding to thy spotless self, who art as far from 
 impurity as from mortality. 
 
 " Myself, celestial goddess, more fit for the court of 
 
292 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Gynthia than the arbours of Cytherea, am called 
 A ntero s, or Love's enemy ; the more welcome there- 
 fore to thy court, and the fitter to conduct this 
 quaternion, who, as they are thy professed votaries, 
 and for that cause adversities to Love, yet thee, 
 perpetual virgin, they both love, and vow to love 
 eternally." 
 
 Re-enter Arete, with Crites. 
 
 Cyn. Not without wonder, nor without delight. 
 Mine eyes have viewed, in contemplation's depth, 
 This work of wit, divine and excellent : 
 What shape, what substance, or what unknown power. 
 In virgin's habit, crowned with laurel leaves, 
 And olive-branches woven in between, 
 On sea-girt rocks, like to a goddess shines ! 
 O front ! O face ! O all. celestial, sure. 
 And more than mortal ! Arete, behold 
 Another Cynthia, and another queen. 
 Whose glory, like a lasting plenilune. 
 Seems ignorant of what it is to wane. 
 Nor under heaven an object could be found 
 More fit to please. Let Crites make approach. 
 Bounty forbids to pall our thanks with stay. 
 Or to defer our favour, after view : 
 The time of grace is, when the cause is new. 
 
 Are. Lo, here the man, celestial Delia, 
 Who (hke a circle bounded in itself) 
 Contains as much as man in fulness may. 
 Lo, here the man, who not of usual earth. 
 But of that nobler and more precious mould 
 Which Phoebus self doth temper, is composed ; 
 And who, though all were wanting to reward. 
 Yet to himself he would not wanting be : 
 Thy favour's gain is his ambition's most, 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 293 
 
 And labour's best ; who (humble in his height) 
 Stands fixed silent in thy glorious sight. 
 
 . Cyn. With no less pleasure than we have beheld 
 This precious crystal work of rarest wit, 
 Our eye doth read thee, now instilled, our Crites ; 
 Whom learning, virtue, and our favour last, 
 Exempteth from the gloomy multitude. 
 With common eye the Supreme should not see : 
 Henceforth be ours, the more thyself to be. 
 
 Cri. Heaven's purest light, whose orb may be 
 eclipsed. 
 But not thy praise ; divinest Cynthia ! 
 How much too narrow for so high a grace. 
 Thine (save therein) the most unworthy Crites 
 Doth find himself ! for ever shine thy fame ; 
 Thine honours ever, as thy beauties do. 
 In me they must, my dark world's chiefest lights, 
 By whose propitious beams my powers are raised 
 To hope some part of those most lofty points, 
 Which blessed Arete hath pleased to name, 
 As marks, to which my endeavour's steps should bend : 
 Mine, as begun at thee, in thee must end. 
 
 The Second Masque. 
 Enter Mercury as a page., introducing Eucosmos, 
 
 EUPATHES, EUTOLMOS, and EUCOLOS. 
 
 Mer. " Sister of Phcebus, to whose bright orb we 
 owe, that we not complain of his absence : these four 
 brethren (for they are brethren, and sons of Eutaxia, 
 a lady known, and highly beloved of your resplendent 
 deity) not able to be absent, when Cynthia held a 
 solemnity, officiously insinuate themselves into thy 
 presence : for as there are four cardinal virtues, upon 
 which the whole frame of the, cSurt doth' move, so are 
 
294 
 
 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 these the four cardinal properties, without which the 
 body of compliment moveth not. With .these four 
 silver javelins (which they bear in their hands) they 
 support in princes' courts the state of the presence, as 
 by office they are obliged ; which, though here they 
 may seem superfluous, yet, for honour's sake, they thus 
 presume to visit thee, having also been employed in 
 the palace of Queen Perfection. And though to them 
 that would make themselves gracious to a goddess, 
 sacrifices were fitter than presents, or impresses, yet 
 they both hope thy favour, and (in place of either) use 
 several symbols, containing the titles of thy imperial 
 dignity. 
 
 " First, the hithermost, in the changeable blue and 
 green robe, is a commendably-fashioned gallant, 
 Eucosmos ; whose courtly habit is the grace of the 
 presence, and delight of the surveying eye : whom 
 ladies understand by the names of Neat and Elegant. 
 His symbol is divce virgt'm, in which he would ex- 
 press thy deity's principal story, which hath ever been 
 virginity. 
 
 " The second, in the rich accoutrement, and robe of 
 purple, empaled with gold, is Eupathes ; who enter- 
 tains his mind with a harmless, but not incurious 
 variety : all the objects of his senses are sumptuous, 
 himself a gallant, that, without excess, can make use 
 of superfluity, go richly in embroideries, jewels, and 
 what not, without vanity, and fare delicately without 
 gluttony ; and therefore (not without cause) is uni- 
 versally thought to be of fine humour. His symbol is 
 divce optima; ; an attribute to express thy goodness, in 
 which thou so resemblest Jove thy father. 
 
 " The third, in the blush-coloured suit, is Eutolmos, 
 as duly respecting others, as never neglecting himself ; 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 295 
 
 commonly known by the title of good Audacity ; to 
 courts and courtly assemblies a guest most acceptable. 
 His symbol to divce viragini j to express thy hardy 
 courage in chase of savage beasts, which harbour in 
 woods and wildernesses. 
 
 ~ " The fourth, in watchet ' tinsel, is the kind and 
 truly benefique Eucolos, who imparteth not without 
 respect, but yet without difficulty, and hath the happi- 
 ness to make every kindness seem double, by the 
 timely and freely bestowing thereof. He is the chief 
 of them, who by the vulgar are said to be of good 
 nature. His symbol is divce maximce ; an adjunct to 
 signify thy greatness, which in heaven, earth, and hell, 
 is formidable. 
 
 Music. A Dance by the two Masques joined^ during 
 which Cupid and Mercury retire to the side of 
 the stage. 
 
 Cup. Is not that Amorphus, the traveller ? 
 
 Mer. As though it were not ! do you not see how 
 his legs are in travail with a measure ? 
 
 Cup. Hedon, thy master, is next. 
 
 Mer. What, will Cupid turn nomenclator, and cry 
 them? 
 
 Cup. No, faith, but I have a comedy toward, that 
 would not be lost for a kingdom. 
 
 Mer. In good time, for Cupid will prove the comedy. 
 
 Cup. Mercury, I am studying how to match them. 
 
 Mer. How to mismatch them were harder. 
 
 Cup. They are the nymphs must do it ; I shall sport 
 myself with their passions above measure. 
 
 Mer. Those nymphs would be tamed a little indeed, 
 but I fear thou hast not arrows for the purpose. 
 ■ Light sky-blue. 
 
296 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Clip. O yes, here be of all sorts — flights, rovers, and 
 butt-shafts. But I can wound with a brandish, and 
 never draw bow for the matter. 
 
 Mer. I cannot but beHeve it, my invisible archer, 
 and yet methinks you are tedious. 
 
 Cjip. It behoves me to be somewhat circumspect, 
 Mercury ; for if Cynthia hear the twang of my bow, 
 she'll go near to whip me with the string : therefore, 
 
 to prevent that, I thus discharge a brandish upon 
 
 it makes no matter which of the couples. Phantaste 
 and Amorphus, at you. [ Waves his arrow at them. 
 
 Mer. Will the shaking of a shaft strike them into 
 such a fever of affection ? 
 
 Cup. As well as the wink of an eye : but, I pray 
 thee, hinder me not with thy prattle. 
 
 Mer. Jove forbid I hinder thee ! Marry, all that 
 I fear is Cynthia's presence, which, with the cold 
 of her chastity, casteth such an antiperistasis about 
 the place, that no heat of thine will tarry with the 
 patient. 
 
 Cup. It will tarry the rather, for the antiperistasis 
 will keep it in. 
 
 Mer. I long to see the experiment. 
 
 Cup. Why, their marrow boils already, or they are 
 all turned eunuchs. 
 
 Mer. Nay, an't be so, I'll give over speaking, and 
 be a spectator only. \_The first dance ends. 
 
 Amo. Cynthia, by my bright soul, is a right exquisite 
 and splendidious lady ; yet Amorphus, I think, hath 
 seen more fashions, I am sure more countries : but 
 whether I have or not, what need we gaze on Cynthia, 
 that have ourselves to admire ? 
 
 Pha. O, excellent Cynthia ! yet if Phantaste sat 
 where she does, and had such attire on her head, (for 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 297 
 
 attire can do much,) I say no more^ — but goddesses are 
 goddesses, and Phantaste is as she is ! I would the 
 revels were done once, I might go to my school of 
 glass again, and learn to do myself right after all this 
 ruffling. 
 
 \Miisic : they begin the second dance. 
 
 Mer. How now, Cupid ? here's a wonderful change 
 with your brandish ! do you not hear how they dote ? 
 
 Clip. What prodigy is this ? no word of love, no 
 mention, no motion ! 
 
 Mer. Not a word, my little tgitt's fattte , not a word. 
 
 Cttp. Are my darts enchanted ? is their vigour 
 gone ? is their virtue 
 
 Mer. What ! Cupid turned jealous of himself? ha, 
 ha, ha ! 
 
 Cup. Laughs Mercury ? 
 
 Mer. Is Cupid angry ? 
 
 Cup. Hath he not cause, when his purpose is so 
 deluded ? 
 
 Mer. A rare comedy, it shall be entitled Cupid's. 
 
 Cup. Do not scorn us, Hermes. 
 
 Mer. Choler and Cupid are two fiery things ; I 
 scorn them not. But I see that come to pass, which I 
 presaged in the beginning. 
 
 Cup. You cannot tell : perhaps the physic will not 
 work so soon upon some as upon others. It may be 
 the rest are not so resty. 
 
 Mer. Ex ungue ; you know the old adage : as these, 
 so are the remainder. 
 
 Cup. I'll try : this is the same shaft with which I 
 wounded Argurion. [ Waves his arrow again. 
 
 Mer. Ay, but let me save you a labour, Cupid : 
 there were certain bottles of water fetched, and drunk 
 off" since that time, by these gallants. 
 
298 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 Cup. Jove strike me into earth ! the Fountain of 
 Self-love ! 
 
 Mer. Nay, faint not, Cupid. 
 
 Cup. I remembered it not. 
 
 Mer. Faith, it was ominous to take the name of 
 Anteros upon you ; you know not what charm or 
 enchantment lies in the word : you saw I durst not 
 venture upon any device in our presentment, but was 
 content to be no other than a simple page. Your 
 arrows' properties (to keep decorum), Cupid, are 
 suited, it should seem, to the nature of him you 
 personate. 
 
 Cup. Indignity not to be borne ! 
 
 Mer. Nay, rather an attempt to have been forborne. 
 
 \_The second dance ends. 
 
 Cup. How might I revenge myself on this insulting 
 Mercury ? there's Crites, his minion, he has not tasted 
 of this water. [ Waves Ms arrow at Crites.] It shall 
 be so. Is Crites turned dotard on himself too ? 
 
 Mer. That follows not, because the venom of your 
 shafts cannot pierce him, Cupid. 
 
 Cup. As though there were one antidote for these, 
 and another for him. 
 
 Mer. As though there were not ; or, as if one 
 effect might not arise of divers causes ? What say 
 you to Cynthia, Arete, Phronesis, Time, and others 
 there ? 
 
 Cup. They are divine. 
 
 Mer. And Crites aspires to be so. 
 
 \Music ; they begin the third dance. 
 
 Cup. But that shall not serve him. 
 
 Mer. 'Tis like to do it, at this time.. But Cupid is 
 grown too covetous, that will not spare one of a 
 multitude. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 299 
 
 Cup. One is' more than a multitude. 
 
 Mer. Arete's favour makes any one shot-proof 
 against thee, Cupid. I pray thee, light honey-bee, 
 remember thou art not now in Adonis' garden, but in 
 Cynthia's presence, where thorns lie in garrison about 
 the roses. Soft, Cynthia speaks. 
 
 Cyn. Ladies and gallants of our court, to end 
 And give a timely period to our sports. 
 Let us conclude them with declining night ; 
 Our empire is but of the darker half. 
 And if you judge it any recompense 
 For your fair pains, t' have earned Diana's thanks, 
 Diana grants them, and bestows their crown 
 To gratify your acceptable zeal. 
 For you are they, that not, as some have done. 
 Do censure us, as too severe and sour. 
 But as, more rightly, gracious to the good ; 
 Although we not deny, unto the proud. 
 Or the profane, perhaps indeed austere : 
 For so Actseon, by presuming far, 
 Did, to our grief, incur a fatal doom ; 
 And so, swoln Niobe, comparing more 
 Than he presumed, was trophseed into stone. 
 But are we therefore judged too extreme ? 
 Seems it no crime to enter sacred bowers, 
 And hallowed places, with impure aspect. 
 Most lewdly to pollute ? Seems it no crime 
 To brave a deity ? Let mortals learn 
 To make religion of offending heaven. 
 And not at all to censure powers divine. 
 To men this argument should stand for firm, 
 A goddess did it, therefore it was good : 
 We are not cruel, nor delight in blood, — 
 But what have serious repetitions 
 
300 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 To do with revels, and the sports of court ? 
 
 We not intend to sour your late delights 
 
 With harsh expostulation. Let it suffice 
 
 That we take notice, and can take revenge 
 
 Of these calumnious and le<Vd blasphemies. 
 
 For we are no less Cynthia than we were. 
 
 Nor is our power, but as ourself, the same : 
 
 Though we have now put on no tire of shine. 
 
 But mortal eyes undazzled may endure. 
 
 Years are beneath the spheres, and time makes weak 
 
 Things under heaven, not powers which govern heaven. 
 
 And though ourself be in ourself secure. 
 
 Yet let not mortals challenge to themselves 
 
 Immunity from thence. Lo, this is all : 
 
 Honour hath store of spleen, but wanteth gall. 
 
 Once more we cast the slumber of our thanks 
 
 On your ta'en toil, which here let take an end. 
 
 And that we not mistake your several worths. 
 
 Nor you our favour, from yourselves remove 
 
 What makes you not yourselves, those clouds of 
 
 masque ; 
 Particular pains particular thanks do ask. 
 
 \_The dancers unmask. 
 How ! let me view you. Ha ! are we contemned ? 
 Is there so little awe of our disdain. 
 That any (under trust of their disguise) 
 Should mix themselves with others of the court. 
 And, without forehead, boldly press so far. 
 As farther none ? How apt is lenity. 
 To be abused ! severity to be loathed ! 
 And yet how much more doth the seeming face 
 Of neighbour virtues, and their borrowed names, 
 Add of lewd boldness to loose vanities ! 
 Who would have thought that Philautia durst 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 301 
 
 Or have usurped noble Storge|s name, 
 
 Or with that theft have ventured on our eyes ? 
 
 Who would have thought, that all of them should 
 
 hope 
 So much of our connivance, as to come 
 To grace themselves with titles not their own ? 
 Instead of med'cines, have we maladies ? 
 And such imposthumes as Phantaste is 
 Grow in our palace ? We must lance these sores. 
 Or all will putrify. Nor are these all. 
 For we suspect a farther fraud than this : 
 Take off our veil, that shadows may depart. 
 And shapes appear, beloved Arete. So, 
 Another face of things presents itself. 
 Than did of late. What ! feathered Cupid masqued. 
 And masqued like Anteros ? And stay ! more strange ! 
 Dear Mercury, our brother, like a page. 
 To countenance the ambush of the boy ! 
 Nor endeth our discovery as yet : 
 Gelaia, like a nymph, that but erewhile, 
 In male attire,- did serve Anaides ? — 
 Cupid came hither to find sport and game. 
 Who heretofore hath been too conversant 
 Among our train, but never felt revenge ; 
 And Mercury bear Cupid company. 
 Cupid, we must confess, this time of mirth. 
 Proclaimed by us, gave opportunity 
 To thy attempts, although no privilege : 
 Tempt us no farther ; we cannot endure 
 Thy presence longer ; vanish hence, away ! 
 
 \_Exit Cupin. 
 You, Mercury, we must entreat to stay. 
 And hear what we determine of the rest ; 
 For in this plot we well perceive your hand. 
 
302 
 
 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 But (for we mean not a censorian task, 
 
 And yet to lance these ulcers grown so ripe), 
 
 Dear Arete, and Crites, to you two 
 
 We give the charge ; impose what_pai;is you please : 
 
 Th' incurable cut off, the re^reform,. 
 
 Remembering ever what we fifgt-Secreed, 
 
 Since revels were proclaimed, let now none bleed. 
 
 Are. How well Diana can distinguish times, 
 And sort her censures, keeping to herself 
 The doom of gods, leaving the rest to us ! 
 Come, cite them, Crites, first, and then proceed. 
 
 Cri. First, Philautia, for she was the first, 
 Then light Gelaia in Aglaia's name, 
 Thirdly, Phantaste, and Moria next, 
 Main Follies all, and of the female crew : 
 Amorphus, or Eucosmos' counterfeit, 
 Voluptuous Hedon ta'en for Eupathes, 
 Brazen Anaides, and Asotus last. 
 With his two pages, Morus and Prosaites ; 
 And thou, the traveller's evil, Cos, approach, 
 Impo stors all , and male deformities 
 
 Ire. Nay, forward, for I delegate my power. 
 And will that at thy mercy they do stand. 
 Whom they so oft, so plainly scorned before. 
 'Tis virtue which they want, and wanting it. 
 Honour no garment to their backs can fit. 
 Then Crites, practise thy discretion. 
 
 Cri. Adored Cynthia, and bright Arete, 
 Another might seem fitter for this task. 
 Than Crites far, but that you judge not so : 
 For I (not to appear vindicative. 
 Or mindful of contempts, which I contemned, 
 As done of impotence) must be remiss ; 
 Who, as I was the author, in some sort, 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 303 
 
 To work their knowledge into Cynthia's sight, 
 So should be much severer to revenge 
 The indignity hence issuing to her name : 
 But there's not one of these who are unpained, \/ 
 Or by themselves unpunished ; for vice 1 
 
 Is like a fury to the vicious mind, 
 And turns delight itself to punishment. 
 But we must forward, to define their doom. 
 You are offenders, that must be confessed ; 
 Do you confess it ? 
 All. We do. 
 
 Crt. And that you merit sharp correction ? 
 All. Yes. 
 
 Crt. Then we (reserving unto Delia's grace 
 Her farther pleasure, and to Arete 
 What Delia granteth) thus do sentence you : 
 That from this place (for penance known of all. 
 Since you have drunk so deeply of Self-love) 
 You, two and two, singing a Palinode, 
 March to your several homes by Niobe's stone, 
 And offer up two tears apiece thereon. 
 That it may change the name, as you must change, 
 And of a stone be called Weeping-cross ; 
 Because it standeth cross of Cynthia's way. 
 One of whose names is sacred Trivia. 
 And, after penance thus performed, you pass 
 In like set order, not as Midas did. 
 To wash his gold off into Tagus' stream ; 
 But to the well of knowledge. Helicon ; — " 
 Where, purged of your present maladies, 
 Which are not few, nor slender, you become 
 Such as you fain would seem, and then return. 
 Offering your service to great Cynthia. 
 This is your sentence, if the goddess please 
 
304 
 
 CYNTHIA'S REVELS. [act v. 
 
 To ratify it with her high consent ; 
 
 The scope of wise mirth unto fruit is bent. 
 
 Cyn. We do approve thy censure, beloved Crites ; 
 Which Mercury, thy true propitious friend, 
 (A deity next Jove beloved of us,) 
 Will undertake to see exactly done. 
 And for this service of discovery. 
 Performed by thee, in honour of our name, 
 We vow to guerdon it with such due grace 
 As shall become our bounty, and thy place. 
 Princes that would their people should do well 
 Must at themselves begin, as at the head ; 
 For men, by their example, pattern out 
 Their imitations, and regard of laws : 
 A virtuous court a world to virtue draws. 
 
 \_Exeimt Cynthia and her Nymphs, followed by 
 Arete and Crites : — Amorphus, Phantaste, 
 &c., go off the stage in pairs, singing tlie 
 following 
 
 PALINODE. 
 
 Amo. From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, 
 irpes, and allfa ffected~humou rs^ 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 
 Pha. From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, 
 doves, and such fantastic humours, 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 
 Amo. From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, 
 whiffs, and all such swaggering humours. 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 
SCENE III.] CYNTHIA'S REVELS. 305 
 
 Pha. From waving fans, coy glances, glicks, cringes, 
 and all such simpering humours, 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Amo. From making love by attorney, courting of 
 puppets, and paying for new acquaintance, 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Pha. From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, dil- 
 does, and paraquettoes. 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 
 Amo. From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, 
 gloves, garters, and rings with poesies. 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Pha. From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, 
 and renewing old rivalled faces, 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Amo. From squiring to tilt-yards, play-houses, 
 pageants, and all such public places, 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Pha. From entertaining one gallant to gull another, 
 and making fools of either. 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 Amo. From belying ladies' favours, noblemen's 
 countenance, coining counterfeit employments, vain- 
 glorious taking to them other men's services, and all 
 self-loving humours. 
 
 Chorus. Good Mercury defend us. 
 
 Mercury and Crites sing. 
 Now each one dry his weeping eyes. 
 
 And to the Well of Knowledge haste ; 
 Where purged of your maladies. 
 
 You may of sweeter waters taste : 
 And with refined voice report 
 The grace of Cynthia, and her court. \_Exeunt. 
 
 Jon. II. X 
 
Gentles, be 't known to you, since I went in 
 I am turned rhymer, and do thus begin. 
 The author (jealous how your sense doth take 
 His travails) hath enjoined me to make 
 Some short and ceremonious epilogue ; 
 But if I yet know what, I am a rogue : 
 He ties me to such laws as quite distract 
 My thoughts, and would a year of time exact. 
 I neither must be faint, remiss, nor sorry. 
 Sour, serious, confident, nor peremptory ; 
 But betwixt these. Let's see ; to lay the blame 
 Upon the children's action, that were lame. 
 To crave your favour with a begging knee. 
 Were to distrust the writer's faculty. 
 To promise better at the next we bring. 
 Prorogues disgrace, commends not anything. 
 Stiffly to stand on this, and proudly approve 
 The play, might tax the maker of Self-love. 
 I'll only speak what I have heard him say, 
 " By 'tis good, and if you like't, you may.'' 
 
 Ecce rubet qm'dam, pallet, stupet, oscitat, odit. 
 Hoc volo : nunc nobis carntina nostra placent. 
 
 306 
 
SEJAT^US, HIS FqALL. 
 
 307 
 
HIS "Tragedy'' was first acted in 1603,' 
 by the company at the Globe ; and 
 Shakspeare, Burbage, Lowin, Hem- 
 ings, Condel, Philips, Cooke, and Sly, 
 had parts in it. Though much ap- 
 plauded by the fashionable part of the 
 audience, it proved " caviare to the 
 general," and experienced considerable 
 opposition. Sejanus was not published till 1605 ; when it 
 appeared in quarto, without a dedication, but accompanied 
 by several copies of commendatory verses. Subsequently 
 it seems to have acquired some degree of popularity. Jonson 
 says it had outlived the malice of its enemies, when he 
 republished it in folio, in 1616 ; and it was one of the first 
 plays revived after the Restoration. Sejanus is not divided 
 into scenes in any of the editions ; it has neither exits or 
 entrances ; and is, upon the whole, the most involved and 
 puzzling drama, in its internal arrangement, that was ever 
 produced. The motto both to the quarto and folio is the 
 same : — 
 
 Non hie ceniauros, non gorgonas, harpyiasque 
 Invenies : hojtiinem pagina nostra sapit. 
 
 It is taken from Martial, and had already furnished the 
 groundwork for the admirable prologue to Every Man in 
 his Humour. 
 
 308 
 
TO THE 
 
 NO LESS NOBLE BY VIRTUE THAN BLOOD, 
 
 ESME, LORD AUBIGNE. 
 
 "My Lord, — If ever any ruin were so great as to survive, 
 I think this be one I send you. The Fall of Sejanus. It is 
 a poem, that, if I well remember, in your lordship's sight, 
 suffered no less violence from our people here, than the subject 
 of it did from the rage of the people of Rome ; but with a 
 different fate, as, I hope, merit ; for this hath outlived their 
 malice, and begot itself a greater favour than he lost, the 
 love of good men. Amongst whom, if I make your lordship 
 the first it thanks, it is not without a just confession of the 
 bond your benefits have, and ever shall hold upon me, 
 " Your Lordship's most faithful honourer, 
 
 "BEN. JONSON." 
 
TO THE READERS. 
 
 HE following and voluntary labours ot 
 my friends, prefixed to my book, have 
 relieved me in much whereat, without 
 them, I should necessarily have touched. 
 Now I will only use three or four short 
 and needful notes, and so rest. 
 
 First, if it be objected, that what I 
 publish is no true poem, in the strict laws of time, I confess 
 it : as also in the want of a proper chorus ; whose habit and 
 moods are such and so difficult, as not any, whom I have 
 seen, since the ancients, no, not they who have most 
 presently affected laws, have yet come in the way of. 
 Nor is it needful, or almost possible in these our times, 
 and to such auditors as commonly things are presented, to 
 observe the old state and splendour of dramatic poems, 
 with preservation of any popular delight. But of this I 
 shall take more seasonable cause to speak, in my observa- 
 tions upon Horace his Art of Poetry, which, with the text 
 translated, I intend shortly to publish. In the meantime, 
 if in truth of argument, dignity of persons, gravity and 
 height of elocution, fulness and frequency of sentence, I 
 have discharged the other offices of a tragic writer, let not 
 the absence of these forms be imputed to me, wherein I 
 shall give you occasion hereafter, and without my boast, to 
 think I could better prescribe, than omit the due use for 
 want of a convenient knowledge. 
 
 The next is, lest in some nice nostril the quotations might 
 savour affected, I do let you know, that I abhor nothing 
 
TO THE READERS. 311 
 
 more ; and I have only done it to show my integrity in the 
 story, and save myself in those common torturers that bring 
 all wit to the rack ; whose noses are ever like swine spoiling 
 and rooting up the Muses' gardens ; and their whole bodies 
 like moles, as blindly working under earth, to cast any, the 
 least, hills upon virtue. 
 
 Whereas they are in Latin, and the work in English, it 
 was presupposed none but the learned would take the pains 
 to confer them ; the authors themselves being all in the 
 learned tongues, save one, with whose English side I have 
 had little to do. To which it may be required, since 1 have 
 quoted the page, to name what editions I followed : Tacit. 
 Lips, in quarto, Antwerp, edit. 1600. Dio. folio, Hen, Steph. 
 1592. For the rest, as Sueton. Seneca, &c., the chapter doth 
 sufficiently direct, or the edition is not varied. 
 
 Lastly, I would inform you, that this book, in all numbers, 
 is not the same with that which was acted on the public 
 stage ; wherein a second pen had good share : in place of 
 which, I have rather chosen to put weaker, and, no doubt, 
 less pleasing, of mine own, than to defraud so happy a genius 
 of his right by my loathed usurpation. 
 
 Fare you well, and if you read farther of me, and like, I 
 shall not be afraid of it, though you praise me out. 
 
 Neqice enim mihl cornea Jibra est. 
 
 But that I should plant my felicity in your general saying, 
 good, ox- well, &c., were a weakness which the better sort of 
 you might worthily contemn, if not absolutely hate me for. 
 
 BEN. JONSON ; 
 and no such. 
 
 Quern 
 Palnia negata Ttiacrum, donata reducit opimu-m. 
 
THE ARGUMENT. 
 
 JjELlUS SEJANUS, son to Seius Strabo, 
 a gentleman of Rome, and born at 
 Vulsinium ; after his long service in 
 court, first under Augustus; afterward, 
 Tiberius ; grew into that favour with the 
 latter, and won him by those arts, as there 
 wantednothingbut the name to make him 
 a co-partner of the Empire. Which greatness'of his, Drusus, 
 the Emperor's son, not brooking ; after many smothered dis- 
 likes, it one day breaking out, the prince struck him publicly 
 on the face. To revenge which disgrace, Livia, the wife of 
 Drusus (being before corrupted by him to her dishonour, and 
 the discovery of her husband's counsels) Sejanus practiseth 
 with, together with her physician, called Eudemus, and 
 one Lygdus, an eunuch, to poison Drusus. This their 
 inhuman act having successful and unsuspected passage, 
 it emboldeneth Sejanus to further and more insolent pro- 
 jects, even the ambition of the Empire ; where finding the 
 lets he must encounter to be many and hard, in respect ot 
 the issue of Germanicus, who were next in hope for the 
 succession, he deviseth to make Tiberius' self his means 
 and instils into his ears many doubts and suspicions, both 
 against the princes, and their mother Agrippina ; which 
 Cassar jealously hearkening to, as covetously consenteth to 
 their ruin, and their friends. In this time, the better to 
 mature and strengthen his design, Sejanus labours to marry 
 Livia, and worketh with all his ingine, to remove Tiberius 
 from the knowledge of public business, with allurements of 
 
THE ARGUMENT. 313 
 
 a quiet and retired life ; the latter of which, Tiberius, out of 
 a proneness to lust, and a desire to hide those unnatural 
 pleasures which he could not so publicly practise, em- 
 braceth : the former enkindleth his fears, and there gives 
 him first cause of doubt or suspect towards Sejanus : against 
 whom he raiseth in private a new instrument, one Sertorius 
 Macro, and by him underworketh, discovers the other's 
 counsels, his means, his ends, sounds the affections of the 
 senators, divides, distracts them: at last, when Sejanus 
 least looketh, and is most secure ; with pretext of doing 
 him an unwonted honour in the senate, he trains him 
 from his guards, and with a long doubtful letter, in one 
 day hath him suspected, accused, condemned, and torn 
 in pieces by the rage of the people. 
 
, DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Tiberius. 
 
 Sanquinius. 
 
 Drusus senior. 
 
 POMPONIUS. 
 
 Nero. 
 
 Julius Posthumus 
 
 Drusus junior. 
 
 FuLCiNius Trio. 
 
 Caligula. 
 
 MiNUTIUS. 
 
 Lucius Arruntius. 
 
 Satrius Secundus 
 
 Caius Silius. 
 
 Pinnarius Natta. 
 
 TiTius Sabinus. 
 
 Opsius. 
 
 Marcus Lepidus. 
 
 
 Cremutius Cordus. 
 
 Tribuni. 
 
 AsiNius Gallus. 
 
 Prsecones. 
 
 Regulus. 
 
 Flamen. 
 
 Terentius. 
 
 Tubicines. 
 
 Gracinus Laco. 
 
 Nuntius. 
 
 Eudemus. 
 
 Lictores. 
 
 RUFUS. 
 
 Ministri. 
 
 Sejanus. 
 
 Tibicines. 
 
 Latiaris. 
 
 Servi, &c. 
 
 Varro. 
 
 
 Sertorius Macro. 
 
 Agkippina. 
 
 COTTA. 
 
 Livia. 
 
 DoMiTius Afe-r. 
 
 SOSIA. 
 
 Haterius. 
 
 
 THB SCENE— Rome. 
 
SEJAUHiUS. 
 
 ACT THE FIRST. 
 
 SCENE l.—A State- Room in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Sabinus and SiLius, followed by Latiaris. 
 
 AB. Hail, Caius Silius ! 
 
 Sil. Titius Sabinus, hail ! 
 you're rarely met in court. 
 Sab. Therefore, well met. 
 Sil. 'Tis true : indeed, this place 
 is not our sphere. 
 Sab. No, Silius, we are no good inginers. 
 We want their fine arts, and their thriving use 
 Should make us graced, or favoured of the times : 
 We have no shift of faces, no cleft tongues. 
 No soft and glutinous bodies, that can stick. 
 Like snails on painted walls ; or, on our breasts. 
 Creep up, to fall from that proud height, to which 
 We did by slavery, not by service climb. 
 We are no guilty men, and then no great ; 
 We have no place in court, office in state. 
 That we can say, we owe unto our crimes : 
 We burn with no black secrets, which can make 
 
3i6 SEJANUS. [ACT I. 
 
 Us dear to the pale authors ; or live feared 
 Of their still waking jealousies, to raise 
 Ourselves a fortune, by subverting theirs. 
 We stand not in the lines, that do advance 
 To that so courted point. 
 
 Enter Satrius and Natta at a distance. 
 
 Stl. But yonder lean 
 A pair that do. 
 
 Sab. [salutes.l.A.riARis.] Good cousin Latiaris. 
 
 Stl. Satrius Secundus, and Pinnarius Natta, 
 The great Sejanus' clients : there be two, 
 Know more than honest counsels ; whose close breasts. 
 Were they ripped up to light, it would be found 
 A poor and idle sin, to which their trunks 
 Had not been made fit organs. These can lie. 
 Flatter, and swear, forswear, deprave, inform. 
 Smile, and betray ; make guilty men ; then beg 
 The forfeit lives, to get their livings ; cut 
 Men's throats with whisperings ; sell to gaping suitors 
 The empty smoke, that flies about the palace ; 
 Laugh when their patron laughs ; sweat when he 
 
 sweats ; 
 Be hot and cold with him ; change every mood. 
 Habit, and garb, as often as he varies ; 
 Observe him, as his watch observes his clock ; 
 And, true as turquoise in the dear lord's ring, - 
 Look well or ill with him : ready to praise 
 His lordship, if he spit, or but p — fair, 
 Have an indifferent stool, or break wind well ; 
 Nothing can scape their catch. 
 
 Sab. Alas ! these things 
 Deserve no note, conferred with other vile 
 And filthier flatteries, that corrupt the times ; 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 317 
 
 When, not alone our gentries chief are fain 
 To make their safety from such sordid acts ; 
 But all our consuls, and no little part 
 Of such as have been praetors, yea, the most 
 Of senators, that else not use their voices, 
 Start up in public senate, and there strive 
 Who shall propound most abject things, and base. 
 So much, as oft Tiberius hath been heard, 
 Leaving the court, to cry, O race of men, 
 Prepared for servitude ! — which showed that he. 
 Who least the public liberty could like. 
 As lothly brooked their flat servility. 
 
 Sil. Well, all is. worthy of us, were it more, 
 Who with our riots, pride, and civil hate, 
 Have so provoked the justice of the gods : 
 We, that, within these fourscore years, were born 
 Free, equal lords of the triumphed world, 
 And knew no masters but affections ; 
 To which betraying first our liberties. 
 We since became the slaves to one man's lusts ; 
 And now to many : every minist'ring spy 
 That will accuse and swear, is lord of you, 
 Of me, of all our fortunes and our lives. 
 Our looks are called to question, and our words, 
 How innocent soever, are made crimes ; 
 We shall not shortly dare to tell our dreams. 
 Or think, but 'twill be treason. 
 
 Sab. Tyrants' arts 
 Are to give flatterers grace ; accusers, power ; 
 That those may seem to kill whom they devour. 
 
 Enter Cordus and Arruntius. 
 
 Now, good Cremutius Cordus. 
 
 Cor. {^salutes Sabinus.] Hail to your lordship ! 
 
3i8 SEJANUS. [ACT I. 
 
 Nat. [whispers Latiaris.] Who's that salutes your 
 cousin ? 
 
 Lat. 'Tis one Cordus, 
 A gentleman of Rome : one that has writ 
 Annals of late, they say, and very well. 
 
 Nat. Annals ! of what times ? 
 
 Lat. I think of Pompey's, 
 And Caius Caesar's ; and so down to these. 
 
 Nat. How stands he affected to the present state ? 
 Is he or Drusian, or Germanican, 
 Or ours, or neutral ? 
 
 Lat. I know him not so far. v - 
 
 Nat. Those times are somewhat queasy to be 
 touched. 
 Have you or seen, or heard part of his work ? 
 
 Lat. Not I ; he means they shall be public shortly. 
 
 Nat. O, Cordus do you call him ? 
 
 Lat. Ay. [Exeunt Natta and Satrius. 
 
 Sab. But these our times 
 Are not the same, Arruntius. 
 
 Arr. Times ! the men, 
 The men are not the same I 'tis we are base. 
 Poor, and degenerate from' the exalted strain 
 Of our great fathers. Where is now the soul 
 Of god -like Cato ? he, that durst be good, 
 When Caesar durst be evil ; and had power. 
 As not to live his slave, to die his master ? 
 Or where's the constant Brutus, that being proof 
 Against all charm of benefits, did strike 
 So brave a blow into the monster's heart 
 That sought unkindly to captive his country ? 
 O, they are fled the light ! Those mighty spirits 
 Lie raked up with their ashes in their urns, 
 And not a spark of their eternal fire 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 319 
 
 Glows in a present bosom. All's but blaze, 
 Flashes and smoke, wherewith we labour so. 
 There's nothing Roman in us ; nothing good, 
 Gallant, or great : 'tis true that Cordus says, 
 " Brave Cassius was the last of all that race." 
 
 [Drusus passes over the stage, attended by 
 Haterius, &c. 
 
 Sab. Stand by ! Lord Drusus. 
 
 Hat. The emperor's son ! give place. 
 
 Sil. I like the prince well. 
 
 Arr. A riotous youth ; 
 There's little hope of him. 
 
 Sab. That fault his age 
 Will, as it grows, correct. Methinks he bears 
 Himself each day more nobly than other ; 
 And wins no less on men's affections. 
 Than doth his father lose. Believe me, I love him ; 
 And chiefly for opposing to Sejanus. 
 
 Stl. And I, for gracing his young kinsmen so. 
 The sons of prince Germanicus : it shows 
 A gallant clearness in him, a straight mind. 
 That envies not, in them, their father's name. 
 
 Arr. His name was, while he lived, above all envy ; 
 And, being dead, without it. O, that man ! 
 If there were seeds of the old virtue left. 
 They lived in him. 
 
 Sil. He had the fruits, Arruntius, 
 More than the seeds : Sabinus, and myself 
 Had means to know him within ; and can report him 
 We were his followers, he would call us friends ; 
 He was a man most Hke to virtue ; in all. 
 And every action, nearer to the gods, 
 Than men, in nature ; of a body as fair 
 As was his mind ; and no less reverend 
 
320 SEJANUii. [ACT I. 
 
 In face than fame : he could so use his states, 
 Tempering his greatness with his gravity, 
 As it avoided all self-love in him, 
 And spite in others. What his funerals lacked 
 In images and pomp, they had supplied 
 With honourable sorrow, soldiers' sadness, 
 A kind of silent mourning, such as men. 
 Who know no tears but from their captives, use 
 To show in so great losses. 
 
 Cor. I thought once. 
 Considering their forms, age, manner of deaths, 
 The nearness of the places where they fell, 
 To have paralleled him with great Alexander : 
 For both were of best feature, of high race, 
 Yeared but to thirty, and, in foreign lands, 
 By their own people alike made away. 
 
 Sab. I know not, for his death, how you might 
 wrest it : 
 But, for his life, it did as much disdain 
 Comparison with that voluptuous, rash. 
 Giddy, and drunken Macedon's, as mine 
 Doth with my bondman's. All the good in him, 
 His valour, and his fortune, he made his ; 
 But he had other touches of late Romans, 
 That more did speak him : Pompey's dignity. 
 The innocence of Cato, Caesar's spirit. 
 Wise Brutus' temperance : and every virtue, 
 Which, parted unto others, gave them name. 
 Flowed mixed in him. He was the soul of goodness ; 
 And all our praises of him are like streams 
 Drawn from a spring, that still rise full, and leave 
 The part remaining greatest. 
 
 Arr. I am sure 
 He was too great for us, and that they knew 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 321 
 
 Who did remove him hence. 
 Sab. When men grow fast 
 Honoured and loved, there is a trick in state, 
 Which jealous princes never fail to use, 
 How to decline that growth, with fair pretext, 
 And honourable colours of employment, 
 Either by embassy, the war, or such, 
 To shift them forth into another air, 
 Where they may purge, and lessen ; so was he : 
 And had his seconds there, sent by Tiberius, 
 And his more subtile dam, to discontent him ; 
 To breed and cherish mutinies ; detract 
 His greatest actions ; give audacious check 
 To his commands ; and work to put him out 
 In open act of treason. All which snares 
 When his wise cares prevented, a fine poison 
 Was thought on, to mature their practices. 
 
 Enter Sejanus, talking to Terentius ; followed by 
 Satrius, Natta, &c. 
 
 Cor. Here comes Sejanus. 
 
 Sil. Now observe the stoops, 
 The bendings, and the falls. • 
 
 Arr. Most creeping base ! 
 
 Sej. \to Natta.] I note them well : no more. 
 Say you ? 
 
 Sat. My lord. 
 There is a gentleman of Rome would buy 
 
 Sej. How call you him you talked with ? 
 
 Sat. Please your worship. 
 It is Eudemus, the physician 
 To Livia, Drusus' wife. 
 
 Sej. On with your suit. 
 Would buy, you said 
 
 Jon. II. Y 
 
322 
 
 SEJANUS. [ACT 
 
 lSa/. a tribune's place, my lord. 
 
 Sej. What will he give ? 
 
 Sat. Fifty sestertia. 
 
 Sej. Livia's physician, say you, is that fellow ? 
 
 Sat. It is, my lord. Your lordship's answer. 
 
 Sej. To what ? 
 
 Sat The place, my lord. 'Tis for a gentleman 
 Your lordship will well like of, when you see him. 
 And one that you may make yours, by the grant. 
 
 Sej. Well, let him bring his money, and his name. 
 
 Sat. 'Thank your lordship. He shall, my lord. 
 
 Sej. Come hither. 
 Know you this same Eudemus ? is he learned ? 
 
 Sat. Reputed so, my lord, and of deep practice. 
 
 Sej. Bring him in to me, in the gallery ; 
 And take you cause to leave us there together : 
 I would confer with him, about a grief — 
 On. \_Exeunt Sejanus, Satrius, Terentius, Sj'c. 
 
 Arr. So ! yet another ? yet ? O desperate state 
 Of grovelling honour ! seest thou this, O sun. 
 And do we see thee after ? Methinks, day 
 Should lose his light, when men do lose their shames. 
 And for the empty circumstance of life. 
 Betray their cause of living. 
 
 Sil. Nothing so. 
 Sejanus can repair, if Jove should ruin. 
 He is now the court god ; and well applied 
 With sacrifice of knees, of crooks, and cringes ; 
 He will do more than all the house of heaven 
 Can for a thousand hecatombs. 'Tis he 
 Makes us our day, or night ; hell and elysium 
 Are in his look : we talk of Rhadamanth, 
 Furies, and firebrands ; but it is his frown 
 That is all these ; where, on the adverse part, 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 323 
 
 His smile is more than e'er yet poets feigned 
 Of bliss, and shades, nectar 
 
 Arr. A serving boy ! 
 I knew him, at Caius' trencher, when for hire 
 He prostituted his abused body 
 To that great gormond, fat Apicius : 
 And was the noted pathic of the time. 
 
 Sab. And, now, the second face of the whole world ! 
 The partner of the empire, hath his image 
 Reared equal with Tiberius, born in ensigns ; 
 Commands, disposes every dignity. 
 Centurions, tribunes, heads of provinces, 
 Pr-aetors, and consuls ; all that heretofore 
 Rome's general suffrage gave, is now his sale. 
 The gain, or rather spoil of all the earth. 
 One, and his house, receives. 
 
 Stl. He hath of late 
 Made him a strength too, strangely, by reducing 
 All the praetorian bands into one camp. 
 Which he commands : pretending that the soldiers. 
 By living loose and scattered, fell to riot ; 
 And that if any sudden enterprise 
 Should be attempted, their united strength 
 Would be far more than severed ; and their life 
 More strict, if from the city more removed. 
 
 Sab. Where now he builds what kind of forts he 
 please. 
 Is heard to court the soldier by his name, 
 Woos, feasts the chiefest men of action, 
 Whose wants, nor loves, compel them to be his. 
 And though he ne'er were liberal by kind. 
 Yet to his own dark ends, he's most profuse. 
 Lavish, and letting fly, he cares not what 
 To his ambition. 
 
324 SEJANUS. [ACT I. 
 
 Arr. Yet, hath he ambition ? 
 Is there that step in state can make him higher, 
 Or more, or anything he is, but less ? 
 
 Sil. Nothing but emperor. 
 
 Arr. The name Tiberius, 
 I hope, will keep, howe'er he hath foregone 
 The dignity and power. 
 
 Sil. Sure, while he lives. 
 
 Arr. And dead, it comes to Drusus. Should he 
 fail. 
 To the brave issue of Germanicus ; 
 And they are three : too many — -ha ? for him 
 To have a plot upon ? 
 
 Sil. I do not know 
 The heart of his designs ; but sure their face 
 Looks farther than the present. 
 
 Arr. By the gods. 
 If I could guess he had but such a thought. 
 My sword should cleave him down from head to 
 
 heart, 
 But I would find it out : and with my hand 
 I'd hurl his panting brain about the air 
 In mites as small as atomi, to undo 
 The knotted bed 
 
 Sah. You are observed, Arruntius. 
 
 Arr. \turns to Natta, Terentius, &"£.] Death ! 
 I dare tell him so ; and all his spies : 
 You, sir, I would, do you look ? and you. 
 
 Sah. Forbear. 
 
SCENE II.] SE/ANUS. 325 
 
 SCENE II. — {The former Scene continued^ 
 
 A Gallery discovered opening into the State Room. 
 
 Enter Satrius with Eudemus. 
 
 Sat. Here he will instant be ; let's walk a turn ; 
 You're in a muse, Eudemus ? 
 
 Eti.d. Not I, sir. 
 I wonder he should mark me out so ! well, 
 Jove and Apollo form it for the best {Aside. 
 
 Sat. Your fortune's made unto you now, Eudemus, 
 If you can but lay hold upon the means ; 
 Do but observe his humour, and — believe it — 
 He is the noblest Roman, where he takes — 
 
 Enter Sejanus. 
 
 Here comes his lordship. 
 
 Sej. Now, good Satrius. 
 
 Sat. This is the gentleman, my lord. 
 
 Sej. Is this t 
 Give me your hand, we must be more acquainted. 
 Report, sir, hath spoke out your art and learning : 
 And I am glad I have so needful cause, 
 However in itself painful and hard. 
 To make me known to so great virtue. — -Look, 
 Who is that, Satrius ? \_Exit Sat. J I have a grief, 
 
 sir, 
 That will desire your help. Your name's Eudemus ? 
 
 Eud. Yes. 
 
 Sej. Sir? 
 
 End. It is, my lord. 
 
 Sej. I hear you are 
 Physician to Livia, the princess. 
 
 Eud. I minister unto her, my good lord. 
 
326 SEJANUS. [act i. 
 
 Sej. You minister to a royal lady, then. 
 
 Eud. She is, my lord, and fair. 
 
 Sej: That's understood 
 Of all their sex, who are or would be so ; 
 And those that would be, physic soon can make 
 
 them : 
 For those that are, their beauties fear no colours. 
 
 Eud. Your lordship is conceited. 
 
 Sej. Sir, you know it, 
 And can, if need be, read a learned lecture 
 On this, and other secrets. 'Pray you, tell me. 
 What more of ladies, besides Livia, 
 Have you your patients ? 
 
 Eud. Many, my good lord. 
 The great Augusta, Urgulania, 
 Mutilia Prisca, and Plancina : divers — 
 
 Sej. And, all these tell you the particulars 
 Of every several grief ? how first it grew. 
 And then increased ; what action caused that ; 
 What passion that ; and answer to each point 
 That you will put them ? 
 
 Eud. -Else, my lord, we know not 
 How to prescribe the remedies. 
 
 Sej. Go to. 
 You are a subtile nation, you physicians ! 
 And grown the only cabinets in court, 
 To ladies' privacies. Faith, which of these 
 Is the most pleasant lady in her physic ? 
 Come, you are modest now. 
 
 Eud. 'Tis fit, my lord. 
 
 Sej. Why, sir, I do not ask you of their urines. 
 Whose smell's most violet, or whose siege is best. 
 Or who makes hardest, faces on her stool ? 
 Which lady sleeps with her own face a nights ? 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 337 
 
 Which puts her teeth off, with her clothes, in court ? 
 
 Or, which her hair, which her complexion, 
 
 And, in which box she puts it ? These were questions 
 
 That might, perhaps, have put your gravity 
 
 To some defence of blush. But, I inquired, 
 
 Which was the wittiest, merriest, wantonest ? 
 
 Harmless interrogatories, but conceits. 
 
 Methinks Augusta should be most perverse. 
 And froward in her fit. 
 Eud. She's so, my lord. 
 
 Sej. I knew it : and Mutilia the most jocund. 
 Eud. 'Tis very true, my lord. 
 Sej. And why would you 
 Conceal this from me, now ? Come, what is Livia ? 
 I know she's quick and quaintly spirited. 
 And will have strange thoughts, when she is at 
 
 leisure : 
 She tells them all to you. 
 Eud. My noblest lord. 
 He breathes not in the Empire, or on earth. 
 Whom I would be ambitious to serve 
 In any act, that may preserve mine honour, 
 Before your lordship. 
 
 Sej. Sir, you can lose no honour. 
 By trusting aught to me. The coarsest act 
 Done to my service, I can so requite, 
 As all the world shall style it honourable : 
 Your idle, virtuous definitions. 
 Keep honour poor, and are as scorned as vain ; 
 Those deeds breathe honour that do suck in gain. 
 Eud. But, good my lord, if I should thus betray 
 The counsels of my patient, and a lady's 
 Of her high place and worth ; what might your lord- 
 ship, 
 
328 SEJANUS. [ACT I. 
 
 Who presently are to trust me with your own, 
 Judge of my faith ? 
 
 Sej. Only the best, I swear. 
 Say now that I should utter you my grief. 
 And with it the true cause ; that it were love, 
 And love to Livia, you should tell her this : 
 Should she suspect your faith ? I would you could 
 Tell me as much from her ; see if my brain 
 Could be turned jealous. 
 
 Eud. Happily, my lord, 
 I could in time tell you as much and more ; 
 So I might safeLy promise but the first 
 To her from you. 
 
 Sej. As safely, my Eudemus, 
 I now dare call thee so, as I have put 
 The secret into thee. 
 
 Eud. My lord 
 
 Sej. Protest not. 
 Thy looks are vows to me ; use only speed. 
 And but affect her with Sej anus' love. 
 Thou art a man, made to make consuls. Go. 
 
 Eud. My lord, I'll promise you a private meeting 
 This day together. 
 
 Sej. Canst thou ? 
 
 Eud. Yes. 
 
 Sej. The place ? 
 
 Eud. My gardens, whither I shall fetch your lord- 
 ship. 
 
 Sej. Let me adore my .^sculapius. 
 Why, this indeed is physic ! and outspeaks 
 The knowledge of cheap drugs, or any use 
 Can be made out of it ! more comforting 
 Than all your opiates, juleps, apozems. 
 Magistral syrups, or Begone, my friend. 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 329 
 
 Not barely styled, but created so ; 
 Expect things greater than thy largest hopes, . 
 To overtake thee : Fortune shall be taught 
 To know how ill she hath deserved thus long. 
 To come behind thy wishes. Go, and speed. 
 
 \_Extt EUDEMUS. 
 
 Ambition makes more trusty slaves than need. 
 
 These fellows, by the favour of their art, 
 
 Have still the means to tempt ; oft-times the power. 
 
 If Livia will be now corrupted, then 
 
 Thou hast the way, Sejanus, to work out 
 
 His secrets, who, thou know'st, endures thee not. 
 
 Her husband, Drusus : and to work against them. 
 
 Prosper it, Pallas, thou that betterest wit ; 
 
 For Venus hath the smallest share in it. 
 
 Enter Tiberius and Drusus, attended. 
 
 Tib. \to Haterius, who kneels to htm.] We not en- 
 dure these flatteries ; let him stand ; 
 Our empire, ensigns, axes, rods, and state 
 Take not away our human nature from us : 
 Look up on us, and fall before the gods. 
 
 Sej. How like a god speaks Caesar ! 
 
 Arr. There, observe ! 
 He can endure that second, that's no flattery. 
 O, what is it, proud slime will not believe 
 Of his own worth, to hear it equal praised 
 Thus with the gods ! 
 
 Cor. He did not hear it, sir. 
 
 Arr. He did not ! Tut, he must not, we think 
 meanly. 
 'Tis your most courtly known confederacy. 
 To have your private parasite redeem 
 What he, in public, subtilely will lose. 
 
33° SEJANUS. lACT I. 
 
 To making him a name. 
 
 Hat. Right mighty lord \_Gives Mm letters. 
 
 Tib. We must make up our ears 'gainst these 
 assaults 
 Of charming tongues ; we pray you use no more 
 These contumelies to us ; style not us 
 Or lord, or mighty, who profess ourself 
 The servant of the senate, and are proud 
 T' enjoy them our good, just, and favouring lords. 
 Cor. Rarely dissembled ! 
 Arr. Prince-like to the life. 
 
 Sab. When power that may command, so much 
 descends, 
 Their bondage, whom it stoops to, it intends. 
 Tib. Whence are these letters ? 
 Hat. From the senate. 
 
 Tib. So. [Lat. gives him letters. 
 
 Whence these ? 
 
 Lat. From thence too. 
 Tib. Are they sitting now ? 
 Lat. They stay thy answer, Caesar. 
 Sil. If this man 
 Hath but a mind allied unto his words, 
 How blest a fate were it to us, and Rome ! 
 We could not think that state for which to change, 
 Although the aim were our old liberty : 
 The ghosts of those that fell for that, would grieve 
 Their bodies lived not, now, again to serve. 
 Men are deceived, who think there can be thrall 
 Beneath a virtuous prince. Wished liberty 
 Ne'er lovelier looks, than under such a crown. 
 But, when his grace is merely but lip-good, 
 And that, no longer than he airs himself 
 Aroad in public, there, to seem to shun 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 331 
 
 The strokes and stripes of flatterers, which within 
 Are lechery unto him, and so feed 
 -His brutish sense with their afflicting sound. 
 As, dead to virture, he permits himself 
 Be carried like a pitcher by the ears. 
 To every act of vice : this is a case 
 Deserves our fear, and doth presage the nigh 
 And close approach of blood and tyranny. 
 Flattery is midwife unto prince's rage : 
 And nothing sooner doth help forth a tyrant. 
 Than that and whisperers' grace, who have the time. 
 The place, the power, to make all men offenders. 
 
 Arr. He should be told this ; and be bid dissemble 
 With fools and blind men : we that know the evil. 
 Should hunt the palace-rats, or give them bane ; 
 Fright hence these worse than ravens, that devour 
 The quick, where they but prey upon the dead : 
 ' He shall be told it. 
 
 Sab. Stay, Arruntius, 
 We must abide our opportunity ; 
 And practise what is fit, as what is needful. 
 It is not safe t' enforce a sovereign's ear : 
 Princes hear well, if they at all will hear. 
 
 Arr. Ha, say you so ? well ! In the mean time, 
 Jove, 
 (Say not but I do call upon thee now,) 
 Of all wild beasts preserve me from a tyrant ; 
 And of all tame, a flatterer. 
 &7. 'Tis well prayed. 
 
 Ttb. \havmg read the letters.'\ Return the lords 
 this voice. We are their creature. 
 And it is fit a good and honest prince, 
 Whom they, out of their bounty, have instructed 
 With so dilate and absolute a power. 
 
332 SEJANUS [act i. 
 
 Should owe the office of it to their service, 
 
 And good of all and every citizen. 
 
 Nor shall it e'er repent us to have wished 
 
 The senate just, and favouring lords unto us. 
 
 Since their free loves do yield no less defence 
 
 To a prince's state, than his own innocence. 
 
 Say then, there can be nothing in their thought 
 
 Shall want to please us, that hath pleased them ; 
 
 Our suffrage rather shall prevent, than stay 
 
 Behind their wills : 'tis empire to obey, 
 
 Where such, so great, so grave, so good determine. 
 
 Yet, for the suit of Spain, to erect a temple 
 
 In honour of our mother and our self, 
 
 We must, with pardon of the senate, not 
 
 Assent thereto. Their lordships may object 
 
 Our not denying the same late request 
 
 Unto the Asian cities : we desire 
 
 That our defence for suffering that be known 
 
 In these brief reasons, with our after purpose. 
 
 Since deified Augustus hindered not 
 
 A temple to be built at Pergamum, 
 
 In honour of himself and sacred Rome ; 
 
 We, that have all his deeds and words observed 
 
 Ever, in place of laws, the rather followed 
 
 That pleasing precedent, because with ours. 
 
 The senate's reverence, also, there was joined. 
 
 But as, t' have once received it, may deserve 
 
 The gain of pardon ; so, to be adored 
 
 With the continued style, and note of gods. 
 
 Through all the provinces, were wild ambition. 
 
 And no less pride : yea, even Augustus' name 
 
 Would early vanish, should it be profaned 
 
 With such promiscuous flatteries. For our part. 
 
 We here protest it, and are covetous 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 333 
 
 Posterity should know it, we are mortal ; 
 
 And can but deeds of men : 'twere glory enough, 
 
 Could we be truly a prince. And, they shall add 
 
 Abounding grace unto our memory, 
 
 That shall report us worthy our forefathers, 
 
 Careful of your affairs, constant in dangers. 
 
 And not afraid of any private frown 
 
 For public good. These things shall be to us 
 
 Temples and statues, reared in your minds, 
 
 The fairest, and most during imagery : 
 
 For those of stone or brass, if they become 
 
 Odious in judgment of posterity, 
 
 Are more contemned as dying sepulchres. 
 
 Than ta'en for living monuments. We then 
 
 Make here our suit, alike to gods and men ; 
 
 The one, until the period of our race. 
 
 To inspire us with a free and quiet mind, 
 
 Discerning both divine and human laws ; 
 
 The other, to vouchsafe us after death. 
 
 An honourable mention, and fair praise. 
 
 To accompany our actions and our name : 
 
 The rest of greatness princes may command. 
 
 And, therefore, may neglect ; only, a long, 
 
 A lasting, high, and happy memory 
 
 They should, without being satisfied, pursue : 
 
 Contempt of fame begets contempt of virtue. 
 
 Nat. Rare ! 
 
 Sat. Most divine ! 
 
 Sej. The oracles are ceased. 
 That only Caesar, with their tongue, might speak. 
 
 Arr. Let me be gone : most felt and open this ! 
 
 Cor. Stay. 
 
 Arr. What ! to hear more cunning and fine words, 
 With their sound flattered ere their sense be meant ? 
 
334 SEJANUS. [act i. 
 
 Tib. Their choice of Antium, there to place the 
 gift 
 Vowed to the goddess for our mother's health, 
 We will the senate know, we fairly like ; 
 As also of their grant to Lepidus, 
 For his repairing the ^milian place. 
 And restoration of those monuments : 
 Their grace too in confining of Silanus 
 To the other isle Cithera, at the suit 
 Of his religious sister, much commends 
 Their policy, so tempered with their mercy. 
 But for the honours which they have decreed 
 To our Sejanus, to advance his statue 
 In Pompey's theatre, (whose ruining fire 
 His vigilance and labour kept restrained 
 In that one loss,) they have therein outgone 
 Their own great wisdoms, by their skilful choice. 
 And placing of their bounties on a man. 
 Whose merit more adorns the dignity, 
 Than that can him ; and gives a benefit. 
 In taking, greater than it can receive. 
 Blush not, Sejanus, thou great aid of Rome, 
 Associate of our labours, our chief helper ; 
 Let us not force thy simple modesty 
 With offering at thy praise, for more we cannot. 
 Since there's no voice can take it. No man here 
 Receive our speeches as hyperboles : 
 For we are far from flattering our friend. 
 Let envy know, as from the need to flatter. 
 Nor let them ask the causes of our praise : 
 Princes have still their grounds reared with them- 
 selves. 
 Above the poor low flats of common men ; 
 And who will search the reasons of their acts. 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 335 
 
 Must stand on equal bases. Lead, away : 
 
 Our loves unto the senate. 
 
 {Exeunt Tib., Sejan., Natta, Hat.,Lat., Officers, &c. 
 
 Arr. Caesar ! 
 
 Sab. Peace. 
 
 Cor. Great Pompey's theatre was never ruined 
 Till now, that proud Sejanus hath a statue 
 Reared on his ashes. 
 
 Arr. Place the shame of soldiers 
 Above the best of generals ? crack the world, 
 And bruise the name of Romans into dust, 
 Ere we behold it ! 
 
 Sil. Check your passion ; 
 Lord Drusus tarries. 
 
 Dru. Is my father mad, 
 Weary of life, and rule, lords ? thus to heave 
 An idol up with praise ! make him his mate. 
 His rival in the empire ! 
 
 Arr. O, good prince. 
 
 Dru. Allow him statues, titles, honours, such 
 As he himself refuseth i 
 
 Arr. Brave, brave Drusus ! 
 
 Dru. The first ascents to sovereignty are hard ; 
 But, entered once, there never wants or means, 
 Or ministers, to help the aspirer on. 
 
 Arr. True, gallant Drusus. 
 
 Dru. We must shortly pray 
 To Modesty, that he will rest contented — 
 
 Arr. Ay, where he is, and not write emperor. 
 
 Re-enter Sejanus, Satrius, Latiaris, Clients, &c. 
 
 Sej. There is your bill, and yours ; bring you your 
 man. \To Satrius.J 
 I have moved for you, too, Latiaris. 
 
 Dru. What ! 
 
336 SEJANUS. [act i. 
 
 Is your vast greatness grown so blindly bold, 
 That you will over us ? 
 
 Sej. Why then give way. 
 
 Dru. Give way, Colossus ! do you lift ? advance 
 you ? 
 Take that ! {^Strikes him. 
 
 Arr. Good ! brave ! excellent, brave prince ! 
 
 Dru. Nay, come, approach. \_Draws his sword.'] 
 What, stand you off ? at gaze ? 
 It looks too full of death for thy cold spirits. 
 Avoid mine eye, dull camel, or my sword 
 Shall make thy bravery fitter for a grave. 
 Than for a triumph. I'll advance a statue 
 O' your own bulk ; but 't shall be on the cross ; 
 Where I will nail your pride at breadth and length, 
 And crack those sinews, which are yet but stretched 
 With your swoln fortune's rage. 
 
 Ai^r. A noble prince ! 
 
 All. A Castor, a Castor, a Castor, a Castor. 
 
 [^Bxeu7tt all but Sejanus. 
 
 Sej. He that, with such wrong moved, can bear it 
 through 
 With patience, and an even mind, knows how 
 To turn it back. Wrath covered carries fate : 
 Revenge is lost, if I profess my hate. 
 What was my practice late, I'll now pursue. 
 As my fell justice : this hath styled it new. \_Exit. 
 
ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 SCENE I. — The Garden o/Eudemus. 
 
 Enter Sejanus, Livia, and Eudemus. 
 
 EJ. Physician, thou art worthy of a 
 province, 
 For the great favours done unto our 
 
 loves ; 
 And, but that greatest Livia bears a 
 
 part 
 
 In the requital of thy services, 
 I should alone despair of aught, like means. 
 To give them worthy satisfaction. 
 
 Liv. Eudemus, I will see it, shall receive 
 A fit and full reward for his large merit. — 
 But for this potion we intend to Drusus, 
 No more our husband now, whom shall we choose 
 As the most apt and abled instrument. 
 To minister it to him ? 
 Eud. I say, Lygdus. 
 Sej. Lygdus ? what's he ? 
 Liv. An eunuch Drusus loves. 
 End. Ay, and his cup-bearer. 
 Sej. Name not a second. 
 If Drusus love him, and he have that place, 
 We cannot think a fitter. 
 
 Jon. II. 337 Z 
 
338 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 Eud. True, my lord. 
 For free access and trust are two main aids. 
 
 Sej. Skilful physician ! 
 
 Liv. But he must be wrought 
 To the undertaking, with some laboured art. 
 
 Sej. Is he ambitious ? 
 
 Liv. No. 
 
 Sej. Or covetous ? 
 
 Liv. Neither. 
 
 Eud. Yet, gold is a good general charm. 
 
 Sej. What is he, then ? 
 
 Liv. Faith, only wanton, light. 
 
 Sej. How ! is he young and fair ? 
 
 Eud. A delicate youth. 
 
 Sej. Send him to me, I'll work him. — Royal lady, 
 Though I have loved you long, and with that height 
 Of zeal and duty, like the fire, which more 
 It mounts it trembles, thinking nought could add 
 Unto the fervour which your eye had kindled ; 
 Yet, now I see your wisdom, judgment, strength, 
 Quickness, and will, to apprehend the means 
 To your own good and greatness, I protest 
 Myself through rarified, and turned all flame 
 In your affection : such a spirit as yours. 
 Was not created for the idle second 
 To a poor flash, as Drusus ; but to shine 
 Bright as the moon among the lesser lights. 
 And share the sov'reignty of all the world. 
 Then Livia triumphs in her proper sphere, 
 When she and her Sejanus shall divide 
 The name of Csesar, and Augusta's star 
 Be dimmed with glory of a brighter beam : 
 When Agrippina's fires are quite extinct, 
 And the scarce-seen Tiberius borrows all 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 339 
 
 His little light from us, whose folded arms 
 
 Shall make one perfect orb. {^Knocking within.'] 
 
 Who's that ? Eudemus, 
 Look. {_Exit Eudemus.] 'Tis not Drusus, lady, do 
 not fear. 
 Liv. Not I, my lord : my fear and love of him 
 Left me at once. 
 
 Sej. Illustrious lady, stay 
 
 Eud. [within.] I'll tell his lordship. 
 
 Re-enter Eudemus. 
 
 Sej. Who is it, Eudemus ? 
 
 EtKi. One of your lordship's servants brings you 
 word 
 The emperor hath sent for you. 
 
 Sej. O ! where is he ? 
 With your fair leave, dear princess, I'll but ask 
 A question, and return. [_Exit. 
 
 Eud. Fortunate princess ! 
 How are you blest in the fruition 
 Of this unequalled man, the soul of Rome, 
 The Empire's life, and voice of Caesar's world ! 
 
 Liv. So blessed, my Eudemus, as to know 
 The bliss I have, with what I ought to owe 
 The means that wrought it. How do I look to-day ? 
 
 Eud. Excellent clear, believe it. This same fucus 
 Was well laid on. 
 
 Liv. Methinks 'tis here not white. 
 
 Eud. Lend me your scarlet, lady. 'Tis the sun. 
 Hath giv'n some little taint unto the ceruse ; 
 You should have used of the white oil I gave you. 
 Sejanus, for your love ! his very name 
 
 Commandeth above Cupid or his shafts 
 
 [Paints her cheek. 
 
340 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 Liv. Nay, now you've made it worse. 
 
 Eud. I'll help it straight 
 
 And but pronounced, is a sufficient charm 
 Against all rumour ; and of absolute power 
 To satisfy for any lady's honour. 
 
 Liv. What do you now, Eudemus ? 
 
 Eud. Make a light fucus. 
 To touch you o'er withal. Honoured Sejanus ! 
 What act, though ne'er so strange and insolent, 
 But that addition will at least bear out, 
 If't do not expiate ? 
 
 Liv. Here, good physician. 
 
 Eud. I like this study to preserve the love 
 Of such a man, that comes not every hour 
 To greet the world. — 'Tis now well, lady, you should 
 Use of the dentifrice I prescribed you too. 
 To clear your teeth, and the prepared pomatum. 
 To smooth the skin : — A lady cannot be 
 Too curious of her form, that still would hold 
 The heart of such a person, made her captive, 
 As you have his : who, to endear him more 
 In your clear eye, hath put away his wife. 
 The trouble of his bed, and your delights. 
 Fair Apicata, and made spacious room 
 To your new pleasures. 
 
 Liv. Have not we returned 
 That with our hate to Drusus, and discovery 
 Of all his counsels ? 
 
 Eud. Yes, and wisely, lady. 
 The ages that succeed, and stand far off 
 To gaze at your high prudence, shall admire, 
 And reckon it an act without your sex : 
 It hath that rare appearance. Some will think 
 Your fortune could not yield a deeper sound. 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 341 
 
 Than mixed with Drusus ; but, when they shall hear 
 That, and the thunder of Sejanus meet, 
 Sejanus, whose high name doth strike the stars, 
 And rings about the concave ; great Sejanus, 
 Whose glories, style, and titles are himself. 
 The often iterating of Sejanus : 
 They then will lose their thoughts, and be ashamed 
 To take acquaintance of them. 
 
 Re-enter Sejanus. 
 
 Sej. I must make 
 A rude departure, lady ; Caesar sends 
 With all his haste both of command and prayer. 
 Be resolute in our plot ; you have my soul. 
 As certain yours as it is my body's. 
 And, wise physician, so prepare the poison. 
 As you may lay the subtile operation 
 Upon some natural disease of his : 
 Your eunuch send to me. I kiss your hands, 
 Glory of ladies, and commend my love 
 To your best faith and memory. 
 
 Liv. My lord, 
 I shall but change your words. Farewell. Yet, this 
 Remember for your heed, he' loves you not ; 
 You know what I have told you ; his designs 
 Are full of grudge and danger ; we must use 
 More than a common speed. 
 
 Sej. Excellent lady. 
 How you do fire my blood ! 
 
 Liv. Well, you must go ? 
 The thoughts be best, are least set forth to show. 
 
 [^Exi't Sejanus. 
 
 Eua. When will you take some physic, lady ? 
 
 Liv, When 
 
342 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 I shall, Eudemus : but let Drusus' drug 
 Be first prepared. 
 
 Eud. Were Lygdus made, that's done ; 
 I have it ready. And, to-morrow morning 
 I'll send you a perfume, first to resolve 
 And procure sweat, and then prepare a bath 
 To cleanse and clear the cutis ; against when 
 I'll have an excellent new fucus made. 
 Resistive 'gainst the sun, the rain, or wind. 
 Which you shall lay on with a breath, or oil. 
 As you best like, and last some fourteen hours. 
 This change came timely, lady, for your health. 
 And the restoring of your complexion. 
 Which Drusus' choler had almost burnt up ; 
 Wherein your fortune hath prescribed you better 
 Than art could do. 
 
 Liv. Thanks, good physician, 
 I'll use my fortune, you shall see, with reverence. 
 Is my coach ready ? 
 
 Eud. It attends your highness. \Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. — An Apartment in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Sejanus. 
 
 If this be not revenge, when I have done 
 
 And made it perfect, let Egyptian slaves, 
 
 Parthians, and barefoot Hebrews brand my face, 
 
 And print my body full of injuries. 
 
 Thou lost thyself, child Drusus, when thou thoughtst 
 
 Thou couldst outskip my vengeance, or outstand 
 
 The power I had to crush thee into air. 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 343 
 
 Thy follies now shall taste what kind of man 
 
 They have provoked, and this thy father's house 
 
 Crack in the flame of my incensed rage, 
 
 Whose fury shall admit no shame or mean. — 
 
 Adultery ! it is the lightest ill 
 
 I will commit. A race of wicked acts 
 
 Shall flow out of my anger, and o'erspread 
 
 The world's wide face, which no posterity 
 
 Shall e'er approve, nor yet keep silent : things 
 
 That for their cunning, close, and cruel mark. 
 
 Thy father would wish his, and shall, perhaps. 
 
 Carry the empty name, but we the prize. 
 
 On, then, my soul, and start not in thy course ; 
 
 Though heaven drop sulphur, and hell belch out fire. 
 
 Laugh at the idle terrors : tell proud Jove, 
 
 Between his power and thine there is no odds : 
 
 'Twas only fear first in the world made gods. 
 
 Enter Tiberius attended. 
 
 Tib. Is yet Sejanus come ? 
 
 Sej. He's here, dread Caesar. 
 
 Tib. Let all depart that chamber, and the next. 
 
 \_Exeunt Attendants. 
 Sit down, my comfort. When the master prince 
 Of all the world, Sejanus, saith he fears, 
 Is it not fatal ? 
 
 Sej. Yes, to those are feared. 
 ' Tib. And not to him ? 
 
 Sej. Not if he wisely turn 
 That part of fate he holdeth, first on them. 
 
 Tib. That nature, blood, and laws of kind forbid. 
 
 Sej. Do policy and state forbid it ? 
 
 Tib. No. 
 
 Sej. The rest of poor respects, then let go by ; 
 
344 SEJANVS. [act. ii. 
 
 State is enough to make the act just, them guilty. 
 
 Tib. Long hate pursues such acts. 
 
 Sej. Whom hatred frights, 
 Let him not dream of sovereignty. 
 
 Tib. Are rites 
 Of faith, Idve, piety, to be trod down. 
 Forgotten, and made vain ? 
 
 Sej. All for a crown. 
 The prince who shames a tyrant's name to bear, 
 Shall never dare do anything but fear ; 
 All the command of sceptres quite doth perish. 
 If it begin religious thoughts to cherish : 
 Whole empires fall, swayed by those nice respects ; 
 It is the licence of dark deeds protects 
 Even states most hated, when no laws resist 
 The sword, but that it acteth what it list. 
 
 Tib. Yet so, we may do all things cruelly, 
 Not safely. 
 
 Sej. Yes, and do them thoroughly. 
 
 Tib. Knows yet Sej anus whom we point at ? 
 
 Sej. Ay, 
 Or else my thought, my sense, or both do err : 
 'Tis Agrippina. 
 
 Tib. She, and her proud race. 
 
 Sej. Proud ! dangerous, Caesar : for in them apace 
 The father's spirit shoots up. Germanicus 
 Lives in their looks, their gait, their form, t' upbraid 
 
 us 
 With his close death, if not revenge the same. 
 
 Tib. The act's not known. 
 
 Sej. Not proved ; but whispering Fame 
 Knowledge and proof doth to the jealous give. 
 Who, than to fail, would their own thought believe. 
 It is not safe, the children draw long breath, . 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 345 
 
 That are provoked by a parent's death. 
 
 Tib. It is as dangerous to make them hence, 
 If nothing but their birth be their offence. 
 
 Sej. Stay, till they strike at Caesar ; then their 
 crime 
 Will be enough ; but late and out of time 
 For him to punish. 
 
 Tib. Do they purpose it ? 
 
 SeJ. You know, sir, thunder speaks not till it hit. 
 Be not secure ; none swiftlier are opprest. 
 Than they whom confidence betrays to rest. 
 Let not your daring make your danger such : 
 All power is to be feared, where 'tis too much. 
 The youths are of themselves hot, violent, 
 Full of great thought ; and that male-spirited dame, 
 Their mother, slacks no means to put them on. 
 By large allowance, popular presentings, 
 Increase of train and state, suing for titles ; 
 Hath them commended with like prayers, like vows, 
 To the same gods, with Ceesar : days and nights 
 She spends in banquets and ambitious feasts 
 For the nobility ; where Caius Silius, 
 Titius Sabinus, old Arruntius, 
 Asinius Gallus, Furnius, Regulus, 
 And others of that discontented list. 
 Are the prime guests. There, and to these, she tells 
 Whose niece she was, whose daughter, and whose 
 
 wife. 
 And then must they compare her with Augusta, 
 Ay, and prefer her too ; commend her form. 
 Extol her fruitfulness, at which a shower 
 Falls for the memory of Germanicus. 
 Which they blow over straight with windy praise 
 And puffing hopes of her aspiring sons ; 
 
346 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 Who, with these hourly ticklings, grow so pleased. 
 
 And wantonly conceited of themselves, 
 
 As now they stick not to believe they're such 
 
 As these do give them out ; and would be thought 
 
 More than competitors, immediate heirs. 
 
 Whilst to their thirst of rule, they win the rout 
 
 (That's still the friend of novelty), with hope 
 
 Of future freedom, which on every change 
 
 That greedily, though emptily expects. 
 
 Caesar, 'tis age in all things breeds neglects. 
 
 And princes that will keep old dignity 
 
 Must not admit too youthful heirs stand by ; 
 
 Not their own issue ; but so darkly set 
 
 As shadows are in picture, to give height 
 
 And lustre to themselves. 
 
 Tib. We will command 
 Their rank thoughts down, and with a stricter hand 
 Than we have yet put forth ; their trains must bate, 
 Their titles, feasts, and factions. 
 
 Sej. Or your state. 
 But how, sir, will you work ? 
 
 Tib. Confine them. 
 
 Sej. No. 
 They are too great, and that too faint a blow 
 To give them now ; it would have served at first. 
 When with the weakest touch their knot had burst. 
 But now, your care must be, not to detect 
 The smallest cord, or line of your suspect ; 
 For such, who know the weight of princes' fear, 
 Will, when they find themselves discovered, rear 
 Their forces, like seen snakes, that else would lie 
 Rolled in their circles, close : nought is more high. 
 Daring, or desperate, than offenders found ; 
 Where guilt is, rage and courage both abound. 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 347 
 
 The course must be, to let them still swell up, 
 
 Riot, and surfeit on blind fortune's cup ; 
 
 Give them more place, more dignities, more style. 
 
 Call them to court, to senate ; in the while. 
 
 Take from their strength some one or twain or more. 
 
 Of the main fautors (it will fright the store). 
 
 And, by some by-occasion. Thus, with slight 
 
 You shall disarm them first ; and they, in night 
 
 Of their ambition, not perceive the train, 
 
 Till in the engine they are caught and slain. 
 
 Ttb. We would not kill, if we knew how to save ; 
 Yet, than a throne, 'tis cheaper give a grave. 
 Is there no way to bind them by deserts ? 
 
 SeJ. Sir, wolves do change their hair, but not their 
 hearts. 
 While thus your thought unto a mean is tied. 
 You neither dare enough, nor do provide. 
 All modesty is fond, and chiefly where 
 The subject is no less compelled to bear. 
 Than praise his sovereign's acts. 
 
 Tib. We can no longer 
 Keep on our mask to thee, our dear Sejanus ; 
 Thy thoughts are ours, in all, and we but proved 
 Their voice, in our designs, which by assenting 
 Hath more confirmed us, than if heartening Jove 
 Had, from his hundred statues, bid us strike. 
 And at the stroke clicked all his marble thumbs. 
 But who shall first be struck ? 
 
 SeJ. First, Caius Silius ; 
 He is the most of mark, and most of danger : 
 In power and reputation equal strong. 
 Having commanded an imperial army 
 Seven years together, vanquished Sacrovir 
 In Germany, and thence obtained to wear 
 
348 SEJANUS. [act ii 
 
 The ornaments triumphal. His steep fall, 
 By how much it doth give the weightier crack, 
 Will send more wounding terror to the rest, 
 Command them stand aloof, and give more way 
 To our surprising of the principal. 
 
 Tib. But what, Sabinus ? 
 
 Sej. Let him grow awhile. 
 His fate is not yet ripe : we must not pluck 
 At all together, lest we catch ourselves. 
 And there's Arruntius too, he only talks. 
 But Sosia, Silius' wife, would be wound in 
 Now, for she hath a fury in her breast, 
 More than hell ever knew ; and would be sent 
 Thither in time. Then is there one Cremutius 
 Cordus, a writing fellow, they have got 
 To gather notes of the precedent times, 
 And make them into Annals ; a most tart 
 And bitter spirit, I hear : who, under colour 
 Of praising those, doth tax the present state, 
 Censures the men, the actions, leaves no trick, 
 No practice unexamined, parallels 
 The times, the governments ; a profest champion 
 For the old liberty 
 
 Tib_. A perishing wretch ! 
 As if there were that chaos bred in things. 
 That laws and liberty would not rather choose 
 To be quite broken, and ta'en hence by us, 
 Than have the stain to be preserved by such. 
 Have we the means to make these guilty first ? 
 
 Sej. Trust that to me : let Caesar, by his power. 
 But cause a formal meeting of the senate, 
 I will have matter and accusers ready. 
 
 Tib. But how ? let us consult. 
 
 Sej. We shall misspend 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 349 
 
 The time of action. Counsels are unfit 
 In business, where all rest is more pernicious 
 Than rashness can be. Acts of this close kind 
 Thrive more by execution than advice. 
 There is no lingering in that work begun, 
 Which cannot praised be, until through done. 
 
 Tt'b. Our edict shall forthwith command a court. 
 While I can live, I will prevent earth's fury : 
 
 'E^oS QavovTOQ yata fuj(Qi)rii> nvpi. [Extt. 
 
 Enter Julius Posthumus. 
 
 Pos. My lord Sejanus 
 
 Sej. Julius Posthumus ! 
 Come with my wish ! What news from Agrippina's ? 
 
 Pos. Faith, none. They all lock up themselves a' 
 late. 
 Or talk in character ; I have not seen 
 A company so changed. Except they had 
 Intelligence by augury of our practice. 
 
 Sej. When were you there ? 
 
 Pbs. Last night. 
 
 Sej. And what guests found you ? 
 
 Pos. Sabinus, Silius, the old list, Arruntius, 
 Furnius, and Gallus. 
 
 Sej. Would not these talk ? 
 
 Pos. Little. 
 And yet we offered choice of argument. 
 Satrius was with me. 
 
 Sej. Well : 'tis guilt enough 
 Their often meeting. You forgot to extol 
 The hospitable lady ? 
 
 Pos. No ; that trick 
 Was well put home, and had succeeded too. 
 But that Sabinus coughed a caution out ; 
 For she began to swell. 
 
350 SEJANUS. [ACT II. 
 
 Sej. And may she burst ! 
 Julius, I would have you go instantly 
 Unto the palace of the great Augusta, 
 And, by your kindest friend, get swift access ; 
 Acquaint her with these meetings : tell the words 
 You brought me the other day, of Silius, 
 Add somewhat to them. Make her understand 
 The danger of Sabinus, and the times, 
 Out of his closeness. Give Arruntius' words 
 Of malice against Csesar ; so, to Gallus : 
 But, above all, to Agrippina. Say, 
 As you may truly, that her infinite pride, 
 Propt with the hopes of her too fruitful womb. 
 With popular studies gapes for sovereignty. 
 And threatens Csesar. Pray Augusta then, 
 That for her own, great Caesar's, and the pub- 
 Lic safety, she be pleased to urge these dangers. 
 Csesar is too secure, he must be told. 
 And best he'll take it from a mother's tongue. 
 Alas ! what is't for us to sound, to explore. 
 To watch, oppose, plot, practise, or prevent. 
 If he, for whom it is so strongly laboured. 
 Shall, out of greatness and free spirit, be 
 Supinely negligent ? our city's now 
 Divided as in time o' the civil war. 
 And men forbear not to declare themselves 
 Of Agrippina's party. Every day 
 The faction multiplies ; and will do more. 
 If not resisted : you can best enlarge it. 
 As you find audience. Noble Posthumus, 
 Commend me to your Prisca : and pray her. 
 She will solicit this great business, 
 To earnest and most present execution. 
 With all her utmost credit with Augusta. 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 351 
 
 Fbs. I shall not fail in my instructions. [^Exit. 
 
 Sej. This second, from his mother, will well urge 
 Our late design, and spur on Ctesar's rage ; 
 Which else might grow remiss. The way to put 
 A prince in blood, is to present the shapes 
 Of dangers greater than they are, like late 
 Or early shadows : and, sometimes, to feign 
 Where there are none, only to make him fear ; 
 His fear will make him cruel : and once entered. 
 He doth not easily learn to stop, or spare 
 Where he may doubt. This have I made my rule. 
 To thrust Tiberius into tyranny, 
 And make him toil, to turn aside those blocks, 
 Which I alone could not remove with safety. 
 Drusus once gone, Germanicus' three sons 
 Would clog my way ; whose guards have too much 
 
 faith 
 To be corrupted : and their mother known 
 Of too too unreproved a chastity. 
 To be attempted, as light Livia was. 
 Work then, my art, on Caesar's fears, as they 
 On those they fear, till all my lets be cleared. 
 And he in ruins of his house, and hate 
 Of all his subjects, bury his own state ; 
 When with my peace, and safety, I will rise. 
 By making him the public sacrifice. l&zl. 
 
352 SEJANUS. [ACT ii. 
 
 SCENE Yil.—A Room in Agrippina's House. 
 Enter Satrius and Natta. 
 Sat. They're grown exceeding circumspect, and 
 
 wary. 
 Nat. They have us in the wind : and yet Arruntius 
 Cannot contain himself. 
 Sat. Tut, he's not yet 
 Looked, after ; there are others more desired. 
 That are more silent. 
 
 Nat. Here he comes. Away. [^Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Sabinus, Arruntius, and Cordus. 
 
 Sab. How is it, that these beagles haunt the house 
 Of Agrippina ? 
 
 Arr. O, they hunt, they hunt ! 
 There is some game here lodged, which they must 
 
 rouse, 
 To make the great ones sport. 
 
 Cor. Did you observe 
 How they inveighed 'gainst Csesar ? 
 
 Arr. Ay, baits, baits, 
 For us to bite at : would I have my flesh 
 Torn by the public hook, these qualified hangmen 
 Should be my company. 
 
 Cor. Here comes another. 
 
 [DoM. hv'Es. passes over the stage. 
 
 Arr. Ay, there's a man, Afer the orator! 
 One that hath phrases, figures, and fine flowers, 
 To strew his rhetoric with, and doth make haste, 
 To get him note, or name by any offer 
 Where blood or gain be objects ; steeps his words 
 When he would kill, in artificial tears : 
 The crocodile of Tyber ! him I love, 
 
SCENE IV.] SEJANUS. 353 
 
 That man is mine ; he hath my heart and voice 
 When I would curse ! he, he. 
 
 Sab. Contemn the slaves, 
 Their present lives will be their future graves. 
 
 \_Exeiint. 
 
 SCENE W. — Another Apartment in the same. 
 
 Enter SiLius, Agrippina, Nero, and Sosia. 
 
 Sil. May't please your highness not forget yourself ; 
 I dare not, with my manners, to attempt , 
 Your trouble farther. 
 
 Agr. Farewell, noble Silius ! 
 
 Sil. Most royal princess. 
 
 Agr. Sosia stays with us ? 
 
 Sil. She is your servant, and doth owe your grace 
 An honest, but unprofitable love. 
 
 Agr. How can that be, when there's no gain but 
 virtue's ? 
 
 Sil. You take the moral, not the politic sense. 
 I meant, as she is bold, and free of speech. 
 Earnest to utter what her zealous thought 
 Travails withal, in honour of your house ; 
 Which act, as it is simply born in her. 
 Partakes of love and honesty ; but may, 
 By the over-often, and unseasoned use. 
 Turn to your loss and danger : for your state 
 Is waited on by envies, as by eyes ; 
 And every second guest your tables take 
 Is a fee'd spy, to observe who goes, who comes ; 
 What conference you have, with whom, where, when, 
 
 Jon. II. '^'^ 
 
354 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 What the discourse is, what the looks, the thoughts 
 Of every person there, they do extract, 
 And make into a substance. 
 
 Agr Hear me, Silius. 
 Were all Tiberius' body stuck with eyes. 
 And every wall and hanging in my house 
 Transparent, as this lawn I wear, or air ; 
 Yea, had Sejanus both his ears as long 
 As to my inmost closet, I would hate 
 To whisper any thought, or change an act, 
 To be made Juno's rival. Virtue's forces 
 Show ever noblest in conspicuous courses. 
 
 Sil. 'Tis great, and bravely spoken, like the spirit 
 Of Agrippina : yet, your highness knows. 
 There is nor loss nor shame in providence ; 
 Few can, what all should do, beware enough. 
 You may perceive with what officious face, 
 Satrius, and Natta, Afer, and the rest 
 Visit your house, of late, to inquire the secrets ; 
 And with what bold and privileged art, they rail 
 Against Augusta, yea, and at Tiberius ; 
 Tell tricks of Li via, and Sejanus : all 
 To excite, and call your indignation on. 
 That they might hear it at more liberty. 
 
 Agr. You're too suspicious, Silius. 
 
 Sil. Pray the gods, 
 I be so, Agrippina ; but I fear 
 Some subtile practice. They that durst to strike 
 At so exampless, and unblamed a life, 
 As that of the renowned Germanicus, 
 Will not sit down with that exploit alone : 
 He threatens many that hath injured one. 
 
 Nero. 'Twere best rip forth their tongues, sear out 
 their eyes, 
 
SCENK iv.J SEJANUS. 355 
 
 When next they come. 
 
 Sos. A fit reward for spies. 
 
 Enter Drusus jun. 
 
 Dru.jun. Hear you the rumour ? 
 
 Agr. What? 
 
 Dru.jun. Drusus is dying. 
 
 Agr. Dying! 
 
 Nero. That's strange ! 
 
 Agr. You were with him yesternight. 
 
 Dru.jun. One met Eudemus the physician, 
 Sent for, but now ; who thinks he cannot Hve. 
 
 Sil. Thinks'! if it be arrived at that, he knows. 
 Or none. 
 
 Agr. 'Tis quick ! what should be his disease ? 
 
 Stl. Poison, poison 
 
 Agr. How, Silius ! 
 
 Nero. What's that ? 
 
 Stl. Nay, nothing. There was late a certain blow 
 Given o' the face. 
 
 Nero. Ay, to Sejanus. 
 
 Stl. True. 
 
 Dru. jun. And what of that ? 
 
 Sil. I'm glad I gave it not. 
 
 Nero. But there is somewhat else ? 
 
 Sil. Yes, private meetings, 
 With a great lady — at a physician's, 
 And a wife turned away. 
 
 Nero. Ha ! 
 
 Sil. Toys, mere toys : 
 What wisdom's now in th' streets, in the common 
 mouth ? 
 
 Dru.jun. Fears, whisperings, tumults, noise, I know 
 not what : 
 
356 SEJANUS. [act ii. 
 
 They say the Senate sit. 
 
 Sil. I'll thither straight ; 
 And see what's in the forge. 
 
 Agr. Good Silius, do ; 
 Sosia and I will in. 
 
 St'L Haste you, my lords, 
 To visit the sick prince ; tender your loves. 
 And sorrows to the people. This Sejanus, 
 Trust my divining soul, hath plots on all : 
 No tree, that stops his prospect, but must fall. 
 
 \^Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE THIRD. 
 
 SCENE l.~The Senate House. 
 
 Enter Praecones, Lictores, Sejanus, Varro, Latiaris, 
 CoTTA, and Afer. 
 
 5IEJ. 'Tis only you must urge against 
 him, Varro ; 
 Nor I, nor Casar may appear there- 
 in, 
 Except in your defence, who are 
 
 the consul ; 
 And, under colour of late enmity 
 Between your father and his, may better do it. 
 As free from all suspicion of a practice. 
 Here be your notes, what points to touch at ; read : 
 Be cunning in them. Afer has them too. 
 Var. But is he summoned ? 
 Sej. No. It was debated 
 By Caesar, and concluded as most fit 
 To take him unprepared. 
 
 Afer. And prosecute 
 All under name of treason. 
 Var. I conceive. 
 
 Enter Sabinus, Gallus, Lepidus, and Arruntius. 
 Sab. Drusus being dead, Caesar will not be here. 
 
358 SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 Gal. What should the business of this senate be ? 
 
 Arr. That can my subtle whisperers tell you : we 
 That are the good-dull-noble lookers-on. 
 Are only called to keep the marble warm. 
 What should we do with those deep mysteries, 
 Proper to these fine heads ? let them alone. 
 Our ignorance may, perchance, help us be saved 
 From whips and furies. 
 
 Gal. See, see, see their action ! 
 
 Arr. Ay, now their heads do travail, now they 
 work ; 
 Their faces run like shittles ; they are weaving 
 Some curious cobweb to catch flies. 
 
 Sah. Observe, 
 They take their places. 
 
 Arr. What, so low ! 
 
 Gal. O yes. 
 They must be seen to flatter Caesar's grief. 
 Though but in sitting. 
 
 Var. Bid us silence. 
 
 Prce. Silence ! 
 
 Var. "Fathers conscript, may this our present 
 meeting 
 Turn fair, and fortunate to the commonwealth ! " 
 
 Enter Silius and other Senators. 
 
 Sej. See, Silius enters. 
 
 Sil. Hail, grave fathers ! 
 
 Lie. Stand. 
 Silius, forbear thy place. 
 
 Sen. How ! 
 
 Prce. Silius, stand forth, 
 The consul hath to charge thee. 
 
 Lie. Room for Caesar. 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 359 
 
 Arr. Is he come too ! nay then expect a trick. 
 Sab. Silius accused ! sure he will answer nobly. 
 
 Enter Tiberius attended. 
 
 Tib. We stand amazed, fathers, to behold 
 This general dejection. Wherefore sit 
 Rome's consuls thus dissolved, as they had lost 
 All the remembrance both of style and place ? 
 It not becomes. No woes are of fit weight, 
 To make the honour of the Empire stoop : 
 Though I, in my peculiar self may meet 
 Just'reprehension, that so suddenly. 
 And, in so fresh a grief, would greet the senate, 
 When private tongues, of kinsmen and allies. 
 Inspired with comforts, lothly are endured. 
 The face of men not seen, and scarce the day. 
 To thousands that communicate our loss. 
 Nor can I argue these of weakness ; since 
 They take but natural ways ; yet I must seek 
 For stronger aids, and those fair helps draw out 
 From warm embraces of the commonwealth. 
 Our mother, great Augusta, 's struck with time. 
 Our self imprest with aged characters, 
 Drusus is gone, his children young and babes ; 
 Our aims must now reflect on those that may 
 Give timely succour to these present ills, 
 And are our only glad surviving hopes. 
 The noble issue of Germanicus, 
 Nero and Drusus : might it please the consul 
 Honour them in, they both attend without. 
 I would present them to the senate's care. 
 And raise those suns of joy that should drink up 
 These floods of sorrow in your drowned eyes. 
 
 Arr. By Jove, I am not CEdipus enough 
 
36o SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 To understand this Sphinx. 
 Sab. The princes come. 
 
 Enter Nero and Drusus Junior. 
 
 Tib. Approach you, noble Nero, noble Drusus. 
 These princes, fathers, when their parent died, 
 I gave unto their uncle, with this prayer. 
 That though he had proper issue of his own, 
 He would no less bring up, and foster these, 
 Than that self-blood ; and by that act confirm 
 Their worths to him, and to posterity. 
 Drusus ta'en hence, I turn my prayers to you. 
 And 'fore our country and our gods, beseech 
 You take, and rule Augustus' nephew's sons, 
 Sprung of the noblest ancestors ; and so 
 Accomplish both my duty, and your own. 
 Nero, and Drusus, these shall be to you 
 In place of parents, these your fathers, these ; 
 And not unfitly : for you are so born, 
 As all your good, or ill's the commonwealth's. 
 Receive them, you strong guardians ; and blest gods. 
 Make all their actions answer to their bloods : 
 Let their great titles find increase by them, 
 Not they by titles. Set them, as in place. 
 So in example, above all the Romans : 
 And may they know no rivals but themselves. 
 Let Fortune give them nothing ; but attend 
 Upon their virtue : and that still come forth 
 Greater than hope, and better than their fame. 
 Relieve me, fathers, v/ith your general voice. 
 
 Senators. "May all the gods consent to Caesar's 
 wish, 
 And add to any honours that may crown 
 The hopeful issue of Germanicus ! " 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 36t 
 
 Tib. We thank you, reverend fathers, in their right. 
 
 Arr. If this were true, now ! but the space, tlie 
 space 
 Between the breast and Hps — Tiberius' heart 
 Lies a thought farther than another man's. [Asz'de. 
 
 Tib. My comforts are so flowing in my joys, 
 As, in them, all mj? streams of grief are lost, 
 No less than are land waters in the sea. 
 Or showers in rivers ; though their cause was such. 
 As might have sprinkled ev'n the gods with tears : 
 Yet, since the greater doth embrace the less. 
 We covetously obey. 
 
 Ari'. Well acted, Caesar. \^Aside. 
 
 Tib. And now I am the happy witness made 
 Of your so much desired affections 
 To this great issue, I could wish, the Fates 
 Would here set peaceful period to my days ; 
 However to my labours, I entreat, 
 And beg it of this senate, some fit ease. 
 
 Arr. Laugh, fathers, laugh : have you no spleens 
 about you ? \Aside. 
 
 Tib. The burden is too heavy I sustain 
 On my unwilling shoulders ; and I pray 
 It may be taken off", and reconferred 
 Upon the consuls, or some other Roman, 
 More able, and more worthy. 
 
 Arr. Laugh on still. {Aside 
 
 Sab. Why, this doth render all the rest suspected ! 
 
 Gal. It poisons all. 
 
 Arr. O, do you taste it then ? 
 
 Sab. It takes away my faith to anything 
 He shall hereafter speak. 
 
 Arr. Ay, to pray that, 
 Which would be to his head as hot as thunder. 
 
362 SEJANUS. ACT iii. 
 
 'Gainst which he wears that charm, should but the 
 
 court 
 Receive him at his word. 
 
 Gal. Hear ! 
 
 Tib. For myself 
 I know my weakness, and so little covet, 
 Like some gone past, the weight that will oppress me, 
 As my ambition is the counter-point. 
 
 Arr. Finely maintained ; good still ! 
 
 Sej. But Rome, whose blood. 
 Whose nerves, whose life, whose very frame relies 
 On Caesar's strength, no less than heaven on Atlas, 
 Cannot admit it but with general ruin. 
 
 Arr. Ah ! are you there to bring him off ? \_Aside. 
 
 Sej. Let Caesar 
 No more than urge a point so contrary 
 To Caesar's greatness, the grieved senate's vows. 
 Or Rome's necessity. 
 
 Gal. He comes about 
 
 Arr. More nimbly than Vertumnus. 
 
 Tib. For the public, 
 I may be drawn to show I can neglect 
 All private aims, though I affect my rest ; 
 But if the senate still command me serve, 
 I must be glad to practise my obedience. 
 
 Arr. You must and will, sir. We do know it. 
 
 \^Astde. 
 
 Senators. " Caesar, 
 Live long and happy, great and royal Caesar ; 
 The gods preserve thee and thy modesty 
 Thy wisdom and thy innocence ! " 
 
 Arr. Where is't ? 
 The prayer is made before the subject. \_Aside. 
 
 Senators. " Guard 
 
SCENE I.] SEJAMUS. 363 
 
 His meekness, Jove, his piety, his care, 
 His bounty " 
 
 Arr. And his subtilty, I'll put in : 
 Yet he'll keep that himself, without the gods. 
 All prayers are vain for him. \_Aside. 
 
 Tib. We will not hold 
 Your patience, fathers, with long answer ; but 
 Shall still contend to be what you desire, 
 And work to satisfy so great a hope. 
 Proceed to your affairs. 
 
 Arr. Now, Silius, guard thee ; 
 The curtain's drawing. Afer advanceth. \_Aside. 
 
 Prce. Silence ! 
 
 Afer. Cite Caius Silius. 
 
 PrcB. Caius Silius ! 
 
 Sil. Here. 
 
 Afer. The triumph that thou hadst in Germany 
 For thy late victory on Sacrovir, 
 Thou hast enjoyed so freely, Caius Silius, 
 As no man it envied thee ; nor would Csesar, 
 Or Rome admit, that thou wert then defrauded 
 Of any honours thy deserts could claim 
 In the fair service of the commonwealth ; 
 But now, if after all their loves and graces, 
 (Thy actions, and their courses being discovered) 
 It shall appear to Csesar and this senate, 
 Thou hast defiled those glories with thy crimes 
 
 Sil. Crimes ! 
 
 Afer. Patience, Silius. 
 
 Sil. Tell thy mule of patience ; 
 I am a Roman. What are my crimes ? proclaim them. 
 Am I too rich, too honest for the times ? 
 Have I or treasure, jewels, land, or houses 
 That some informer gapes for ? is my strength 
 
364 SEJANUS. [act III. 
 
 Too much to be admitted, or my knowledge ? 
 These now are crimes. 
 
 Afer. Nay, SiHus, if the name 
 Of crime so touch thee, with what impotence 
 Wilt thou endure the matter to be searched ? 
 
 Sil. I tell thee, Afer, with more scorn than fear : 
 Employ your mercenary tongue and art. 
 Where's my accuser ? 
 
 Var. Here. 
 
 Arr. Varro, the consul ! 
 Is he thrust in ? [Aside. 
 
 Var. 'Tis I accuse thee, Silius. 
 Against the majesty of Rome, and Csesar, 
 I do pronounce thee here a guilty cause, 
 First of beginning and occasioning, 
 Next, drawing out the war in Gallia, 
 For which thou late triumph'st ; dissembling long 
 That Sacrovir to be an enemy. 
 Only to make thy entertainment more. 
 Whilst thou, and thy wife Sosia, polled the province : 
 Wherein, with sordid, base desire of gain. 
 Thou hast discredited thy actions' worth. 
 And been a traitor to the state. 
 
 Sil. Thou liest. 
 
 Arr. I thank thee, Silius, speak so still and often. 
 
 Var. If I not prove it, Csesar, but tuijustly 
 Have called him into trial ; here I bind 
 Myself to suffer, what I claim against him ; 
 And yield to have what I have spoke, confirmed 
 By judgment of the court, and all good men. 
 
 Sil. Csesar, I crave to have my cause deferred. 
 Till this man's consulship be out. 
 
 Tib. We cannot. 
 Nor may we grant it. 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 365 
 
 Sil. Why ? shall he design 
 My day of trial ? Is he my accuser, 
 And must he be my judge ? 
 
 Tib. It hath been usual, 
 And is a right that custom hath allowed 
 The magistrate, to call forth private men ; 
 And to appoint their day : which privilege 
 We may not in the consul see infringed. 
 By whose deep watches, and industrious care 
 It is so laboured, as the commonwealth 
 Receive no loss, by any oblique course. 
 
 Sil. Caesar, thy fraud is worse than violence. 
 
 Tih. Silius, mistake us not, we dare not use 
 The credit of the consul to thy wrong ; 
 But only do preserve his place and power. 
 So far as it concerns the dignity 
 And honour of the state. 
 
 Arr. Believe him, Silius. 
 
 Cot. Why, so he may, Arruntius. 
 
 Arr. I say so. 
 And he may choose too. 
 
 Tib. By the Capitol, 
 And all our gods, but that the dear republic, 
 Our sacred laws, and just authority 
 Are interested therein, I should be silent. 
 
 Afer. 'Please Caesar to give way unto his trial. 
 He shall have justice. 
 
 Sil. Nay, I shall have law ; 
 Shall I not, Afer ? speak. 
 
 Afer. Would you have more ? 
 
 Sil. No, my well-spoken man, I would no more ; 
 Nor less : might I enjoy it natural, 
 Not taught to speak unto your present ends, 
 Free from thine, his, and all your unkind handling, 
 
366 SE/ANUS. [act iii. 
 
 Furious enforcing, most unjust presuming, 
 Malicious, and manifold applying, 
 Foul wresting, and impossible construction. 
 Afer. He raves, he raves. 
 Stl. Thou durst not tell me so, 
 Hadst thou not Caesar's warrant. I can see 
 Whose power condemns me. 
 
 Var. This betrays his spirit : 
 This doth enough declare him what he is. 
 Sil. What am I ? speak. 
 Var. An enemy to the state. 
 Sil. Because I am an enemy to thee. 
 And such corrupted ministers o' the state. 
 That here art made a present instrument 
 To gratify it with thine own disgrace. 
 
 Sej. This, to the consul, is most insolent, 
 And impious ! 
 
 Sil. Ay, take part. Reveal yourselves, 
 Alas ! I scent not your confederacies. 
 Your plots, and combinations ! I not know 
 Minion Sejanus hates me ; and that all 
 This boast of law, and law, is but a form, 
 A net of Vulcan's filing, a mere ingine. 
 To take that life by a pretext of justice. 
 Which you pursue in malice ! I want brain, 
 Or nostril to persuade me, that your ends 
 And purposes are made to what they are. 
 Before my answer ! O, you equal gods. 
 Whose justice not a world of wolf-turned men 
 Shall make me to accuse, howe'er provoked ; 
 Have I for this so oft engaged myself ? 
 Stood in the heat and fervour of a fight. 
 When Phoebus sooner hath forsook the day 
 Than I the field, against the blue-eyed Gauls, 
 
SCENE I.] SE/ANUS. 367 
 
 And crisped Germans ? when our Roman eagles 
 Have fanned the fire with their labouring wings, 
 And no blow dealt, that left not death behind it ? 
 When I have charged, alone, into the troops 
 Of curled Sicambrians, routed them, and came 
 Not off with backward ensigns of a slave ; 
 But forward marks wounds on my breast and face, 
 Were meant to thee, O Caesar, and thy Rome ? 
 And have I this return ! did I, for this. 
 Perform so noble, and so brave defeat. 
 On Sacrovir ! O Jove, let it become me 
 To boast my deeds, when he, whom they concern. 
 Shall thus forget them. 
 
 A/er. Silius, Silius, 
 These are the common customs of thy blood, 
 When it is high with wine, as now with rage : 
 This well agrees with that intemperate vaunt, 
 Thou lately mad'st at Agrippina's table. 
 That, when all other of the troops were prone 
 To fall into rebellion, only thine 
 Remained in their obedience. Thou wert he 
 That saved the Empire, which had then been lost 
 Had but thy legions there rebelled, or mutinied ; 
 Thy virtue met, and fronted every peril. 
 Thou gav'st to Caesar, and to Rome their surety ; 
 Their name, their strength, their spirit, and their state. 
 Their being was a donative from thee. 
 
 Arr. Well worded, and most like an orator. 
 
 Ttb. Is this true, Silius ? 
 
 StL Save thy question, Caesar, 
 Thy spy of famous credit hath affirmed it. 
 
 Arr. Excellent Roman ! 
 
 Sab. He doth answer stoutly. 
 
 Sef. If this be so, there needs no farther cause 
 
368 SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 Of crime against him. 
 
 Var. What can more impeach 
 The royal dignity and state of Caesar, 
 Than to be urged with a benefit 
 He cannot pay. 
 
 Cot. In this, all Caesar's fortune 
 Is made unequal to the courtesy. 
 
 Lat. His means are clean destroyed that should 
 requite. 
 
 Gal. Nothing is great enough for Silius' merit. 
 
 Arr. Gallus on that side too ! {Aside. 
 
 Sil. Come, do not hunt. 
 And labour so about for circumstance, 
 To make him guilty, whom you have foredoomed : 
 Take shorter ways, I'll meet your purposes. 
 The words were mine, and more I now will say : 
 Since I have done thee that great service, Caesar, 
 Thou still hast feared me ; and, in place of grace. 
 Returned me hatred : so soon all best turns, 
 With doubtful princes, turn deep injuries 
 In estimation, when they greater rise 
 Than can be answered. Benefits, with you. 
 Are of no longer pleasure, than you can 
 With ease restore them ; that transcended once. 
 Your studies are not how to thank, but kill. 
 It is your nature, to have all men slaves 
 To you, but you acknowledging to none. 
 The means that make your greatness, must not come 
 In mention of it ; if it do, it takes 
 So much away, you think : and that which helped 
 Shall soonest perish, if it stand in eye. 
 Where it may front, or but upbraid the high. 
 
 Cot. Suffer him speak no more. 
 
 Var. Note but his spirit, 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 369 
 
 Afer. This shows him in the rest. 
 
 Lat. Let him be censured. 
 
 Sej. He hath spoke enough to prove him Caesar's 
 foe. 
 
 Cot. His thoughts look through his words. 
 
 SeJ. A censure. 
 
 Sil. Stay, 
 Stay, most officious senate, T shall straight 
 Delude thy fury. Silius hath not placed 
 His guards within him, against fortune's spite. 
 So weakly but he can escape your gripe 
 That are but hands of fortune : she herself, 
 When virtue doth oppose, must lose her threats. 
 All that can happen in humanity. 
 The frown of Cassar, proud Sejanus' hatred, 
 Base Varro's spleen, and Afer's bloodying tongue. 
 The senate's servile flattery, and these 
 Mustered to kill, I'm fortified against ; 
 And can look down upon : they are beneath me. 
 It is not life whereof I stand enamoured 
 Nor shall my end make me accuse my fate. 
 The coward and the valiant man must fall, 
 Only the cause, and manner how, discerns them : 
 Which then are gladdest, when they cost us dearest. 
 Romans, if any here be in this senate, 
 Would know to mock Tiberius' tyranny. 
 Look upon Silius, and so learn to die. \_Stabs himself. 
 
 Var. O desperate act ! 
 Arr. An honourable hand ! 
 
 Tib. Look, is he dead ? 
 
 Sah. 'Twas nobly struck, and home. 
 Arr. My thought did prompt him to it. Farewell, 
 Silius. 
 Be famous ever for thy great example. 
 
 Jon. II. BE 
 
370 SEJANUS.. [act iH- 
 
 Tih. We are not pleased in this sad accident, 
 That thus hath stalled, and abused our mercy. 
 Intended to preserve thee, noble Roman, 
 And to prevent thy hopes. 
 
 Arr. Excellent wolf ! 
 Now he is full he howls. l^Aside. 
 
 Sej. Caesar doth wrong 
 His dignity and safety thus to mourn 
 The deserved end of so profest a traitor 
 And doth, by this his lenity, instruct 
 Others as factious to the like oifence. 
 
 Tib. The confiscation merely of his state 
 Had been enough. 
 
 Arr. O, that was gaped for then ? [^Astde. 
 
 Var. Remove the body. 
 
 Sej. Let citation 
 Go out for Sosia. 
 
 Gal. Let her be proscribed : 
 And for the goods, I think it fit that half 
 Go to the treasure, half unto the children. 
 
 Lep. With leave of Caesar, I would think that fourth. 
 The which the law doth cast on the informers, 
 Should be enough ; the rest go to the children. 
 Wherein the prince shall show humanity. 
 And bounty ; not to force them by their want. 
 Which in their parent's trespass they deserved. 
 To take ill courses. 
 
 Tih. It shall please us. 
 
 Arr. Ay. 
 Out of necessity. This Lepidus 
 Is grave and honest, and I have observed 
 A moderation still in all his censures. 
 
 Sah. And bending to the better — —Stay, who's 
 this? 
 
SCENE 1.] SE/ANUS. 371 
 
 Enter Satrius ^w^.Natta, with Cremutius Cordus, 
 
 guarded. 
 Cremutius Cordus ! What ! is he brought in ? 
 
 Arr. More blood into the banquet ! Noble Cordus, 
 I wish thee good ; be as thy writings, free 
 And honest. 
 
 Tib. What is he ? 
 Sej. For the Annals, Cassar. 
 Prce. Cremutius Cordus ! 
 Cor. Here. 
 
 Prce. Satrius Secundus, 
 Pinnarius Natta, you are his accusers. 
 
 Arr. Two of Sejanus' blood-hounds, whom he 
 breeds 
 With human flesh, to bay at citizens. 
 
 Afer. Stand forth before the Senate, and confront 
 
 him. 
 Sat. I do accuse thee here, Cremutius Cordus, 
 To be a man factious and dangerous. 
 A sower of sedition in the state, 
 A turbulent and discontented spirit, 
 Which I will prove from thine own writings, here. 
 The Annals thou hast published ; where thou bit'st 
 The present age, and with a viper's tooth, 
 Being a member of it, dar'st that ill 
 Which never yet degenerous bastard did 
 Upon his parent. 
 
 Nat. To this I subscribe ; 
 And, forth a world of more particulars. 
 Instance in only one : comparing men, 
 And times, thou praisest Brutus, and affirm'st 
 That Cassius was the last of all the Romans. 
 Cot. How ! what are we then ? 
 Var. What is Caesar ? nothing ? 
 
.•572 SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 Afer. My lords, this strikes at every Roman's private, 
 In whom reigns gentry, and estate of spirit, 
 To have a Brutus brought in parallel, 
 A parricide, an enemy of his country, 
 Ranked, and preferred to any real worth 
 That Rome now holds. This is most strangely invec- 
 tive, 
 Most full of spite, and insolent upbraiding. 
 Nor is 't the time alone is here disprised. 
 But the whole man of time, yea, Caesar's self 
 Brought in disvalue ; and he aimed at most, 
 By oblique glance of his licentious pen. 
 Caesar, if Cassius were the last of Romans, 
 Thou hast no name. 
 
 Tib. Let's hear him answer. Silence ! 
 
 Cor. So innocent I am of fact, my lords. 
 As but my words are argued : yet those words 
 Not reaching either prince or prince's parent ; 
 The which your law of treason comprehends. 
 Brutus and Cassius I am charged to have praised ; 
 Whose deeds, when many more, besides myself, 
 Have writ, not one hath mentioned without honour. 
 Great Titus Livius, great for eloquence. 
 And faith amongst us, in his History, 
 With so great praises Pompey did extol, 
 As oft Augustus called him a Pompeian : 
 Yet this not hurt their friendship. In his book 
 He often names Scipio, Afranius, 
 Yea, the same Cassius, and this Brutus too. 
 As worthiest men ; not thieves and parricides, 
 Which notes upon their fames are now imposed. 
 Asinius Pollio's writings quite throughout 
 Give them a noble memory ; so Messala 
 Renowned his general Cassius : yet both these 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 373 
 
 Lived with Augustus, full of wealth and honours. 
 
 To Cicero's book, where Cato was heaved up 
 
 Equal with heaven, what else did Caesar answer, 
 
 Being then dictator, but with a penned oration, 
 
 As if before the judges ? Do but see 
 
 Antonius' letters ; read but Brutus' pleadings : 
 
 What vile reproach they hold against Augustus, 
 
 False, I confess, but with much bitterness. 
 
 The epigrams of Bibaculus and Catullus 
 
 Are read, full stuft with spite of both the Caesars ; 
 
 Yet deified Julius, and no less Augustus, 
 
 Both bore them, and contemned them : I not know. 
 
 Promptly to speak it, whether done with more 
 
 Temper, or wisdom ; for such obloquies 
 
 If they despised be, they die supprest ; 
 
 But if with rage acknowledged, they are confest. 
 
 The Greeks I slip, whose licence not alone. 
 
 But also lust did scape unpunished : 
 
 Or where some one, by chance, exception took, 
 
 He words with words revenged. But, in my work. 
 
 What could be aimed more free, or farther off 
 
 From the time's scandal, than to write of those. 
 
 Whom death from grace or hatred had exempted ? 
 
 Did I, with Brutus and with Cassius, 
 
 Armed, and possessed of the Philippi fields, 
 
 Incense the people in the civil cause. 
 
 With dangerous speeches ? Or do they, being slain 
 
 Seventy years since, as by their images, 
 
 Which not the conqueror hath defaced, appears. 
 
 Retain that guilty memory with writers ? 
 
 Posterity pays every man his honour : 
 
 Nor shall there want, though I condemned am, 
 
 That will not only Cassius well approve, 
 
 And of great Brutus' honour mindful be. 
 
374 SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 But that will also mention make of me. 
 
 Arr. Freely and nobly spoken ! 
 
 Sab. With good temper ; 
 I like him, that he is not moved with passion. 
 
 Arr. He puts them to their whisper. 
 
 Til. Take him hence ; 
 We shall determine of him at next sitting. 
 
 \Exeunt Officers with Cordus. 
 
 Cot. Mean time, give order, that his books be burnt. 
 To the sediles. 
 
 Sej. You have well advised. 
 
 Afer. It fits not such licentious things should live 
 T' upbraid the age. 
 
 Arr. If the age were good, they might. 
 
 Lat. Let them be burnt. 
 
 Gal. All sought, and burnt to-day. 
 
 Prce. The court is up ; lictors, resume the fasces.- 
 
 \_Exeunt all hut Arruntius, Sabinus, 
 and Lepidus. 
 
 Arr. Let them be burnt ! O, how ridiculous 
 Appear the senate's brainless diligence, 
 Who think they can, with present power, extinguish 
 The memory of all succeeding times ! 
 
 Sab. 'Tis true ; when, contrary, the punishment 
 Of wit, doth make the authority increase. 
 Nor do they aught, that use this cruelty 
 Of interdiction, and this rage of burning, 
 But purchase to themselves rebuke and shame. 
 And to the writers an eternal name. 
 
 Lep. It is an argument the times are sore. 
 When virtue cannot safely be advanced ; 
 Nor vice reproved. 
 
 Arr. Ay, noble Lepidus ; 
 Augustus well foresaw what we §hould suffer 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 375 
 
 Under Tiberius, when he did pronounce 
 
 The Roman race most wretched, that should Hve 
 
 Between so slow jaws, and so long a bruising. 
 
 \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE \\.—A Room in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Tiberius and Sejanus. 
 
 Tib. This business hath succeeded well, Sejanus ; 
 And quite removed all jealousy of practice 
 'Gainst Agrippina, and our nephews. Now, 
 We must bethink us how to plant our ingines 
 For th'other pair, Sabinus and Arruntius, 
 And Gallus tooj howe'er he flatter us. 
 His heart we know. 
 
 Sej. Give it some respite, Caesar. 
 Time shall mature, and bring to perfect crown. 
 What we, with so good vultures have begun : 
 Sabinus shall be next. 
 
 Tib. Rather Arruntius. 
 
 Sej. By any means, preserve him. His frank tongue 
 Being lent the reins, would take away all thought 
 Of malice, in your course against the rest : 
 We must keep him to stalk with. 
 
 Tib. Dearest head, 
 To thy most fortunate design I yield it. 
 
 Sej. Sir, I have been so long trained up in grace. 
 First with your father, great Augustus ; since, 
 With your most happy bounties so familiar ; 
 As I not sooner would commit my hopes 
 Or wishes to the gods, than to your ears, 
 
376 SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 Nor have I ever yet been covetous 
 Of over-bright and dazzling honours ; rather 
 To watch and travail in great Cassar's safety, 
 With the most common soldier. 
 
 Tib. 'Tis confest. 
 
 Sej. The only gain, and which I count most fair 
 Of all my fortunes, is, that mighty Caesar 
 Has thought me worthy his alliance. Hence 
 Begin my hopes. 
 
 Tib. Umph ! 
 
 Sej. I have heard, Augustus, 
 In the bestowing of his daughter, thought 
 But even of gentlemen of Rome : if so — • 
 I know not how to hope so great a favour — 
 But if a husband should be sought for Livia, 
 And I be had in mind, as Cesar's friend, 
 I would but use the glory of the kindred : 
 It should not make me slothful, or less caring 
 For Caesar's state ; it were enough to me 
 It did confirm, and strengthen my weak house. 
 Against the now unequal opposition 
 Of Agrippina ; and for dear regard 
 Unto my children, this I wish : myself 
 Have no ambition farther than to end 
 My days in service of so dear a master. 
 
 Tib. We cannot but commend thy piety ; 
 Most loved Sejanus, in acknowledging 
 Those bounties ; which we, faintly, such remember — 
 But to thy suit. The rest of mortal men. 
 In all their drifts and counsels, pursue profit ; 
 Princes alone are of a different sort, 
 Directing their main actions still to fame : 
 We therefore will take time to think and answer. 
 For'Livi^ she can best, herself, resolve 
 
SCENE II.] SEJANUS. 377 
 
 If she will marry, after Drusus, or 
 
 Continue in the family ; besides, 
 
 She hath a mother, and a gran dam yet. 
 
 Whose nearer counsels she may guide her by : 
 
 But I will simply deal. That enmity 
 
 Thou fear'st in Agrippina, would burn more, 
 
 If Livia's marriage should, as 'twere in parts. 
 
 Divide the imperial house ; an emulation 
 
 Between the women might break forth ; and discord 
 
 Ruin the sons and nephews on both hands. 
 
 What if it cause some present difference ? 
 
 Thou art not safe, Sejanus, if thou prove it. 
 
 Canst thou believe, that Livia, first the wife 
 
 To Caius Caesar, then my Drusus, now 
 
 Will be contented to grow old with thee. 
 
 Born but a private gentleman of Rome, 
 
 And raise thee with her loss, if not her shame ? 
 
 Or say that I should wish it, canst thou think 
 
 The senate, or the people (who have seen 
 
 Her brother, father, and our ancestors. 
 
 In highest place of empire) will endure it ? 
 
 The state thou hold'st already, is in talk ; 
 
 Men murmur at thy greatness ; and the nobles 
 
 Stick not, in public, to upbraid thy climbing 
 
 Above our father's favours, or thy scale : 
 
 And dare accuse me, from their hate to thee. 
 
 Be wise, dear friend. We would not hide these things. 
 
 For friendship's dear respect : nor will we stand 
 
 Adverse to thine, or Livia's designments. 
 
 What we have purposed to thee, in our thought, 
 
 And with what near degrees of love to bind thee. 
 
 And make thee equal to us ; for the present. 
 
 We will forbear to speak. Only, thus much 
 
 Believe, our loved Sejanus, we not know 
 
378 SEJANUS. act hi. 
 
 That height in blood or honour, which thy virtue 
 And mind to us, may not aspire with merit. 
 And this we'll publish, on all watched occasion 
 The senate or the people shall present. 
 
 Sej. I am restored, and to my sense again. 
 Which I had lost in this so blinding suit. 
 Caesar hath taught me better to refuse. 
 Than I knew how to ask. How pleaseth Caesar 
 T' embrace my late adv'ice for leaving Rome ? 
 
 Tib. We are resolved. 
 
 Sej. Here are some motives more, 
 
 [ Gives him a paper. 
 Which I have thought on since, may more confirm. 
 
 Tib. Careful Sejanus ! we will straight peruse them : 
 Go forward in our main design, and prosper. \Exit. 
 
 Sej. If those but take, I shall. Dull, heavy Caesar ! 
 Wouldst thou tell me, thy favours were made crimes. 
 And that my fortunes were esteemed thy faults, 
 That thou for me wert hated, and not think 
 I would with winged haste prevent that change. 
 When thou might'st win all to thyself again, 
 By forfeiture of me ? Did those fond words 
 Fly swifter from thy lips, than this my brain, 
 This sparkling forge, created me an armour 
 T' encounter chance and thee ? Well, read my charms, 
 And may they lay that hold upon thy senses, 
 As thou hadst snuft up hemlock, or ta'en down 
 The juice of poppy and of mandrakes. Sleep, 
 Voluptuous Caesar, and security 
 Seize on thy stupid powers, and leave them dead 
 To public cares ; awake but to thy lusts, 
 The strength of which makes thy libidinous soul 
 Itch to leave Rome ! and I have thrust in on ; 
 With blaming of the city business^ 
 
SCENE III.] SE/ANUS. 379 
 
 The multitude of suits, the confluence 
 
 Of suitors : then their importunacies, 
 
 The manifold distractions he must suffer, 
 
 Besides ill-rumours, envies, and reproaches. 
 
 All which a quiet and retired life. 
 
 Larded with ease and pleasure, did avoid : 
 
 And yet for any weighty and great affair, 
 
 The fittest place to give the soundest counsels. 
 
 By this I shall remove him both from thought 
 
 And knowledge of his own most dear affairs ; 
 
 Draw all dispatches through my private hands ; 
 
 Know his designments, and pursue mine own ; 
 
 Make mine own strengths by giving suits and places. 
 
 Conferring dignities and offices ; 
 
 And these that hate me now, wanting access 
 
 To him, will make their envy none, or less : 
 
 For when they see me arbiter of all, 
 
 They must observe ; or else with Caesar fall. \_Extt. 
 
 SCENE III. — Another Room in the same. 
 Enter Tiberius. 
 Tih. To marry Livia ! will no less, Sejanus, 
 Content thy aims ? no lower object ? well ! 
 Thou know'st how thou art wrought into our trust ; 
 Woven in our design ; and think'st we must 
 Now use thee, whatsoe'er thy projects are : 
 'Tis true. But yet with caution and fit care. 
 And now we better think — who's there within ? 
 
 Enter an Officer. 
 Off. Caesar ! 
 Tih, To leave our journey off, were §iq 
 
38o SEJANUS. [act hi. 
 
 'Gainst our decreed delights ; and would appear 
 
 Doubt ; or, what less becomes a prince, low fear. 
 
 Ypt doubt hath law, and fears have their excuse, 
 
 Where princes' states plead necessary use ; 
 
 As ours doth now : more in Sejanus' pride, 
 
 Than all fell Agrippina's hates beside. 
 
 Those are the dreadful enemies, we raise 
 
 With favours, and make dangerous with praise ; 
 
 The injured by us may have will alike. 
 
 But 'tis the favourite hath the power to strike ; 
 
 And fury ever boils more high and strong. 
 
 Heat with ambition, than revenge of wrong. 
 
 'Tis then a part of supreme skill, to grace 
 
 No man too much : but hold a certain space 
 
 Between the ascender's rise and thine own flat, 
 
 Lest, when all rounds be reached, his aim be that. 
 
 'Tis thought \Astde\. Is Macro in the palace ? see : 
 
 If not, go seek him, to come to us. \Exit Officer.] 
 
 He 
 Must be the organ we must work by now ; 
 Though none less apt for trust : need doth allow 
 What choice would not. I have heard that aconite. 
 Being timely taken, hath a healing might 
 Against the scorpion's stroke ; the proof we'll give : 
 That, while two poisons wrestle, we may live. 
 He hath a spirit too working to be used 
 But to the encounter of his like ; excused 
 Are wiser sov'reigns then, that raise one ill 
 Against another, and both safely kill : 
 The prince that feeds great natures, they will sway him ; 
 Who nourisheth a lion, must obey him. — 
 
 Re-enter Officer with Macro. 
 Macro, we sent for you. 
 
SCENE III.] SEJANUS. 381 
 
 Mac. I heard so, Caesar. 
 
 Tib. Leave us a while. \_Extt Officer. 
 
 When you shall know, good Macro, 
 The causes of our sending, and the ends. 
 You will then hearken nearer ; and be pleased 
 You stand so high both in our choice and trust. 
 
 Mac. The humblest place in Cassar's choice or trust, 
 May make glad Macro proud ; without ambition. 
 Save to do Caesar service. 
 
 Tib. Leave your courtings. 
 We are in purpose, Macro, to depart 
 The city for a time, and see Campania ; 
 Not for our pleasures, but to dedicate 
 A pair of temples, one to Jupiter 
 At Capua ; th' other at Nola, to Augustus : 
 In which great work, perhaps our stay will be 
 Beyond our will produced. Now, since we are 
 Not ignorant what danger may be born 
 Out of our shortest absence in a state 
 So subject unto envy, and embroiled 
 With hate and faction ; we have thought on thee. 
 Amongst a field of Romans, worthiest Macro, 
 To be our eye and ear : to keep strict watch 
 On Agrippina, Nero, Drusus ; ay, 
 And on Sejanus : not that we distrust 
 His loyalty, or do repent one grace. 
 Of all that heap we have conferred on him ; 
 For that were to disparage our election. 
 And call that judgment now in doubt, which then 
 Seemed as unquestioned as an oracle — 
 But greatness hath his cankers. Worms and moths 
 Breed out of too much humour, in the things 
 Which after they consume, transferring quite 
 The substance of their makers into themselves. 
 
382 SEJANUS. [ACT 
 
 III. 
 
 Macro is sharp, and apprehends : besides, 
 I know him subtile, close, wise, and well read 
 In man, and his large nature ; he hath studied 
 Affections, passions, knows their springs, their ends. 
 Which way, and whether they will work : 'tis proof 
 Enough of his great merit that we trust him. 
 Then to a point, because our conference 
 Cannot be long without suspicion — 
 Here, Macro, we assign thee both to spy, 
 Inform, and chastise ; think, and use thy means. 
 Thy ministers, what, where, on whom thou wilt ; 
 Explore, plot, practise : all thou dost in this 
 Shall be, as if the senate or the laws 
 Had given it privilege, and thou thence styled 
 The saviour both of Caesar and of Rome. 
 We will not take thy answer but in act : 
 Whereto, as thou proceed'st, we hope to hear- 
 By trusted messengers. If't be inquired 
 Wherefore we called you, say you have in charge 
 To see our chariots ready, and our horse. 
 Be still our loved and, shortly, honoured Macro. 
 
 {Exit. 
 Mac. I will not ask why Caesar bids do this ; 
 But joy, that he bids me. It is the bliss 
 Of courts to be employed, no matter how ; 
 A prince's power makes all his actions virtue. 
 We, whom he works by, are dumb instruments, 
 To do, but not inquire : his great intents 
 Are to be served, not searched. Yet, as that bow 
 Is most in hand whose owner best doth know 
 To aifect his aims ; so let that statesman hope 
 Most use, most price, can hit his prince's scope. 
 Nor must he look at what or whom to strike. 
 But loose at all ; each mark must be alike. 
 
SCENE III.] SEJANUS. 383 
 
 Were it to plot against the fame, the life 
 
 Of one with whom I twinned ; remove a wife 
 
 From my warm side, as loved as is the air ; 
 
 Practise away each parent ; draw mine heir 
 
 In compass, though but one ; work all my kin 
 
 To swift perdition ; leave no untrained engin, 
 
 For friendship, or for innocence ; nay, make 
 
 The gods all guilty ; I would undertake 
 
 This, being imposed me, both with gain and ease : 
 
 The way to rise is to obey and please. 
 
 He that will thrive in state, he must neglect 
 
 The trodden paths that truth and right respect ; 
 
 And prove new, wilder ways : for virtue there 
 
 Is not that narrow thing, she is elsewhere ; 
 
 Men's fortune there is virtue ; reason their will ; 
 
 Their licence, law ; and their observance, skill. 
 
 Occasion is their foil ; conscience, their stain ; 
 
 Profit their lustre ; and what else is, vain. 
 
 If then it be the lust of Caesar's power. 
 
 To have raised Sejanus up, and in an hour 
 
 O'erturn him, tumbling down, from height of all ; 
 
 We are his ready engine : and his fall 
 
 May be our rise. It is ifo uncouth thing 
 
 To see fresh buildings from old ruins spring. \_Exit. 
 
ACT THE FOURTH. 
 
 SCENE l.—An Apartment in Agrippina's House. 
 
 Enter Gallus and Agrippina. 
 
 AL. You must have patience, royal 
 Agrippina. 
 Agr. I must have vengeance first ; 
 and that were nectar 
 Unto my famished spirits. O, my 
 
 fortune, 
 Let it be sudden thou prepar'st 
 against me ; 
 Strike all my powers of understanding blind. 
 And ignorant of destiny to come ! 
 Let me not fear, that cannot hope. 
 
 Gal. Dear princess. 
 These tyrannies on yourself are worse than Caesar's. 
 
 Agr. Is this the happiness of being born great ? 
 Still to be aimed at ? still to be suspected ? 
 To live the subject of all jealousies ? 
 At least the colour made, if not the ground 
 To every painted danger ? who would not 
 Choose once to fall, than thus to hang for ever ? 
 
 Gal. You might be safe if you would 
 
 Agr. What, my Gallus ! 
 Be lewd Sejanus' strumpet, or the bawd 
 
 384 
 
SCENE I.] SEJANUS. 385 
 
 To Caesar's lusts, he now is gone to practise ? 
 Not these are safe, where nothing is. Yourself, 
 While thus you stand but by me, are not safe. 
 Was Silius safe ? or the good Sosia safe ? 
 Or was my niece, dear Claudia Pulchra, safe, 
 Or innocent Furnius ? they that latest have 
 (By being made guilty) added reputation 
 To Afer's eloquence ? O, foolish friends. 
 Could not so fresh example warn your loves. 
 But you must buy my favours with that loss 
 Unto yourselves ; and when you might perceive 
 That Caesar's cause of raging must forsake him, 
 Before his will ! . Away, good Gallus, leave me. 
 Here to be seen, is danger ; to speak, treason : 
 To do me least observance, is called faction. 
 You are unhappy in me, and I in all. 
 Where are my sons Nero and Drusus ? We 
 Are they be shot at ; let us fall apart ; 
 Not in our ruins, sepulchre our friends. 
 Or shall we do some action like offence. 
 To mock their studies that would make us faulty, 
 And frustrate practice by preventing it ? 
 The danger's like : for what they can contrive. 
 They will make good. No innocence is safe, 
 When power contests : nor can they trespass more. 
 Whose only being was all crime before. 
 
 Enter Nero, Drusus, and Caligula. 
 
 Ner. You hear Sejanus is come back from Caesar ? 
 Gal. No. How ? disgraced ? 
 Dru. More graced now than ever. 
 Gal. By what mischance ? 
 Cal. A fortune like enough 
 Once to be bad. 
 Jon. II. CO 
 
386 SEJANUS. [act iv. 
 
 Dru. But turned too good to both. 
 
 Gal. What was't ? 
 
 Ner. Tiberius sitting at his meat, 
 In a farm-house they call Spelunca, sited 
 By the sea-side, among the Fundane hills, 
 Within a natural cave ; part of the grot, 
 About the entry, fell, and overwhelmed 
 Some of the waiters ; others ran away : 
 Only Sejanus with his knees, hands, face, 
 O'erhanging Cassar, did oppose himself 
 To the remaining ruins, and was found 
 In that so labouring posture by the soldiers 
 That came to succour him. With which adventure. 
 He hath so fixed himself in Caesar's trust. 
 As thunder cannot move him, and is come 
 With all the height of Caesar's praise to Rome. 
 
 Agr. And power to turn those ruins, all on us ; 
 And bury whole posterities beneath them. 
 Nero, and Drusus, and Caligula, 
 Your places are the next, and therefore most 
 In their offence. Think on your birth and blood. 
 Awake your spirits, meet their violence ; 
 'Tis princely when a tyrant doth oppose. 
 And is a fortun e sent to exercise 
 Your virtue, as the wind doth try strong trees, 
 Who by vexation grow more sound and firm. 
 After your father's fall, and uncle's fate, 
 What can you hope, but all the change of stroke 
 That force or sleight can give ? then stand upright ; 
 And though you do not act, yet suffer nobly : 
 Be worthy of my womb, and take strong cheer ; 
 What we do know will come, we should not fear. 
 
 \_Exe7mt. 
 
SCENE III.] SEJANUS. 387 
 
 SCENE n.—Tke Street. 
 
 Enter Macro. 
 
 Mac. Returned so soon ! renewed in trust and 
 grace ! 
 Is Caesar then so weak, or hath the place 
 But wrought this alteration with the air ; 
 And he, on next remove, will all repair ? 
 Macro, thou art engaged : and what before 
 Was public ; now, must be thy private, more. 
 The weal of Cassar, fitness did imply ; 
 But thine own fate confers necessity 
 On thy employment ; and the thoughts born nearest 
 Unto ourselves, more swiftest still, and dearest. 
 If he recover, thou art lost ; yea, all 
 The weight of preparation to his fall 
 Will turn on thee, and crush thee : therefore strike 
 Before he settle, to prevent the like 
 Upon thyself. He doth his vantage know, 
 That makes it home, and gives the foremost blow. 
 
 \_Extt. 
 
 SCENE 111.— An Upper Room of Agrippina's 
 House. 
 
 Enter Latiaris, Rufus, and Opsius. 
 
 Lat. It is a service Lord Sejanus will 
 See well requited, and accept of nobly. 
 Here place yourselves between the roof and ceiling ; 
 And when I bring him to his words of danger. 
 Reveal yourselves, and take him. 
 
 Ruf. Is he come ? 
 
388 SEJANUS. [act iv. 
 
 ^.at. I'll now go fetch him. \_Exit. 
 
 Ops. With good speed. — I long 
 To merit from the state in such an action. 
 
 Ruf. I hope it will obtain the consulship 
 For one of us. 
 
 Ops. We cannot think of less, 
 To bring in one so dangerous as Sabinus. 
 
 Ruf. He was a follower of Germanicus, 
 And still is an observer of his wife 
 And children, though they be declined in grace ; 
 A daily visitant, keeps them company 
 In private and in public, and is noted 
 To be the only client of the house : 
 Pray Jove, he will be free to Latiaris. 
 
 Ops. He's allied to him, and doth trust him well. 
 
 Ruf. And he'll requite his trust ! 
 
 Ops. To do an office 
 So grateful to the state, I know no man 
 But would strain nearer bands than kindred 
 
 Ruf. List! 
 I hear them come. 
 
 Ops. Shift to our holes with silence. [^They retire. 
 
 Re-enter Latiaris with Sabinus, 
 
 Lat. It is a noble constancy you show 
 To this afflicted house ; that not like others. 
 The friends of season, you do follow fortune. 
 And, in the winter of their fate, forsake 
 The place whose glories warmed you. You are just. 
 And worthy such a princely patron's love. 
 As was the world's renowned Germanicus, 
 Whose ample merit when I call to thought, 
 And see his wife and issue, objects made 
 To so much envy, jealousy, and bate ; 
 
SCENE III.] SEJANUS. 389 
 
 It makes me ready to accuse the gods 
 Of negligence, as men of tyranny. 
 
 Sab. They must be patient, so must we. 
 
 Lat. O Jove, 
 What will become of us or of the times, 
 When, to be high or noble, are made crimes, 
 When land and treasure are most dangerous faults ? 
 
 Sab. Nay, when our table, yea our bed, assaults 
 Our peace and safety ? when our writings are 
 By any envious instruments, that dare 
 Apply them to the guilty, made to speak 
 What they will have to fit their tyrannous wreak ? 
 When ignorance is scarcely innocence ; 
 And knowledge made a capital offence ? 
 When not so much, but the bare empty shade 
 Of liberty is reft us ; and we made 
 The prey to greedy vultures and vile spies, 
 That first transfix us with their murdering eyes ? 
 
 Lat. Methinks the genius of the Roman race 
 Should not be so extinct, but that bright flame 
 Of liberty might be revived again, 
 (Which no good man but with his life should lose) 
 And we not sit like spent and patient fools, 
 Still puffing in the dark at one poor coal, 
 Held on by hope till the last spark is out. 
 The cause is public, and the honour, name, 
 The immortahty of every soul, 
 That is not bastard or a slave in Rome, 
 Therein concerned : whereto, if men would change 
 The wearied arm, and for the weighty shield 
 So long sustained, employ the facile sword, 
 We might have soon assurance of our vows. 
 This ass's fortitude doth tire us all : 
 It must be active valour must redeem 
 
390 SEJANUS. [act 
 
 v. 
 
 Our loss, or none. The rock and our hard steel 
 Should meet to enforce those glorious fires again, 
 Whose splendour cheered the world, and heat gave 
 
 Hfe, 
 No less than doth the sun's. 
 
 Sah. 'Twere better stay 
 In lasting darkness, and despair of day. 
 No ill should force the subject undertake 
 Against the sovereign, more than hell should make 
 The gods do wrong. A good man should and must 
 Sit rather down with loss than rise unjust. 
 Though, when the Romans first did yield themselves 
 To one man's power, they did not mean their lives. 
 Their fortunes and their liberties should be 
 His absolute spoil, as purchased by the sword. 
 
 Lat. Why, we are worse, if to be slaves, and bond 
 To Caesar's slave, be such, the proud Sejanus ! 
 He that is all, does all, gives Caesar leave 
 To hide his ulcerous and anointed face, 
 With his bald crown at Rhodes, while he here stalks 
 Upon the heads of Romans, and their princes, 
 Familiarly to empire. 
 
 Sab. Now you touch 
 A point indeed, wherein he shows his art, 
 As well as power. 
 
 Lat. And villainy in both. 
 Do you observe where Livia lodges ? how 
 Drusus came dead ? what men have been cut off? 
 
 Sah. Yes, those are things removed. I nearer 
 looked 
 Into his later practice, where he stands 
 Declared a master in his mystery. 
 First, ere Tiberius went, he wrought his fear 
 To think that Agrippina sought his death. 
 
SCENE III.] SEJANUS. 391 
 
 Then put those doubts in her ; send her oft word, 
 
 Under the show of friendship, to beware 
 
 Of Caesar, for he laid to poison her : 
 
 Drave them to frowns, to mutual jealousies, 
 
 Which, now, in visible hatred are burst out. 
 
 Since, he hath had his hired instruments 
 
 To work on Nero, and to heave him up ; 
 
 To tell him Caesar's old, that all the people, 
 
 Yea, all the army have their eyes on him ; 
 
 That both do long to have him undertake 
 
 Something of worth, to give the world a hope ; 
 
 Bids him to court their grace : the easy youth 
 
 Perhaps gives ear, which straight he writes to Caesar ; 
 
 And with this comment : " See yon dangerous boy ; 
 
 Note but the practice of the mother, there ; 
 
 She's tying him for purposes at hand, 
 
 With men of sword." Here's Caesar put in fright 
 
 'Gainst son and mother. Yet he leaves not thus. 
 
 The second brother, Drusus, a fierce nature. 
 
 And fitter for his snares, because ambitious 
 
 And full of envy, him he clasps and hugs, 
 
 Poisons with praise, tells him what hearts he wears. 
 
 How bright he stands in popular expectance ; 
 
 That Rome doth suflfer with him in the wrong 
 
 His mother does him, by preferring Nero : 
 
 Thus sets he them asunder, each 'gainst other. 
 
 Projects the course that serves him to condemn. 
 
 Keeps in opinion of a friend to all, 
 
 And all drives on to ruin. 
 
 Lat. Caesar sleeps, 
 And nods at this. 
 
 Sab. Would he might ever sleep. 
 Bogged in his filthy lusts ! 
 
 [Opsius and Rufus rusk in. 
 
392 SEJANUS. [ACT iv. 
 
 Ops. Treason to Caesar ! 
 
 Ruf. Lay hands upon the traitor, Latiaris, 
 Or take the name thyself. 
 
 Lat. I am for Caesar. 
 
 Sab. Am I then catched ? 
 
 Ruf. How think you, sir ? you are. 
 
 Sab. Spies of this head, so white, so full of years ! 
 Well, my most reverend monsters, you may live 
 To see yourselves thus snared. 
 
 Ops. Away with him ! 
 
 Lat. Hale him away. 
 
 Ruf. To be a spy for traitors. 
 Is honourable vigilance. 
 
 Sab. You do well, 
 My most officious instruments of state ; 
 Men of all uses : drag me hence, away. 
 The year is well begun, and I fall fit 
 To be an offering to Sejanus. Go ! 
 
 Ops. Cover him with his garments, hide his face. 
 
 Sab. It shall not need. Forbear your rude assault. 
 The fault's not shameful, villainy makes a fault. 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE IV. — The Street before Agrippina's House. 
 
 Enter Macro and Caligula. 
 
 Mac. Sir, but observe how thick your dangers meet 
 In his clear drifts I your mother and your brothers. 
 Now cited to the senate ; their friend Gallus, 
 Feasted to-day by Caesar, since committed ! 
 Sabinus here we meet, hurried to fetters : 
 
SCENE v.] SEJANUS. 393 
 
 The senators all strook with fear and silence, 
 Save those whose hopes depend not on good means, 
 But force their private prey from public spoil.' 
 And you must know, if here you stay, your state 
 Is sure to be the subject of his hate. 
 As now the object. 
 
 Cal. What would you advise me ? 
 
 Mac. To go for Capreae presently ; and there 
 Give up yourself entirely to your uncle. 
 Tell Caesar (since your mother is accused 
 To fly for succours to Augustus' statue, 
 And to the army, with your brethren) you 
 Have rather chose to place your aids in him, 
 Than live suspected ; or in hourly fear 
 To be thrust out, by bold Sejanus' plots : 
 Which you shall confidently urge to be 
 Most full of peril to the state, and Cassar, 
 As being laid to his peculiar ends. 
 And not to be let run with common safety. 
 All which, upon the second, I'll make plain, 
 So both shall love and trust with Caesar gain. 
 
 Cal. Away then, let's prepare us for our journey. 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE ^.—Another Part of the Street. 
 
 Enter Arruntius. 
 
 Arr. Still dost thou suffer, heaven ! will no flame, 
 No heat of sin, make thy just wrath to boil 
 In thy distempered bosom, and o'erflow 
 The pitchy blazes of impiety, 
 
394 SEJANUS. [act. iv 
 
 Kindled beneath thy throne ! Still canst thou sleep, 
 
 Patient, while vice doth make an antick face 
 
 At thy dread power, and blow dust and smoke 
 
 Into thy nostrils ! Jove, will nothing wake thee ? 
 
 Must vile Sejanus pull thee by the beard. 
 
 Ere thou wilt open thy black-lidded eye, 
 
 And look him dead ? Well ! snore on, dreaming gods ; 
 
 And let this last of that proud giant-race 
 
 Heave mountain upon mountain 'gainst your state — 
 
 Be good unto me. Fortune and you powers. 
 
 Whom I, expostulating, have profaned ; 
 
 I see, what's equal with a prodigy, 
 
 A great, a noble Roman, and an honest, 
 
 Live an old man ! — 
 
 Enter Lepidus. 
 
 O Marcus Lepidus, 
 When is our turn to bleed ? Thyself and I, 
 Without our boast, are almost all the few 
 Left to be honest in these impious times. 
 
 Lep. What we are left to be, we will be, Lucius ; 
 Though tyranny did stare as wide as death, 
 To fright us from it. 
 
 Arr. 'T hath so on Sabinus. 
 
 Lep. I saw him now drawn from the Gemonies, 
 And what increased the direness of the fact. 
 His faithful dog, upbraiding all us Romans, 
 Never forsook the corpse, but, seeing it thrown 
 Into the stream, leaped in, and drowned with it. 
 
 Arr. O act, to be envied him of us men ! 
 We are the next the hook lays hold on, Marcus : 
 What are thy arts, good patriot, teach them me. 
 That have preserved thy hair to this white dye, 
 And kept so reverend and so dear a head 
 
SCENE V.J SEJANUS. 395 
 
 Safe on his comely shoulders ? 
 
 Lep. Arts, Arruntius ! 
 None, but the plain and passive fortitude, 
 To suffer and be silent ; never stretch 
 These arms against the torrent ; live at home. 
 With my own thoughts and innocence about me. 
 Not tempting the wolves' jaws : these are my arts. 
 
 Arr. I would begin to study 'em, if I thought 
 They would secure me. May I pray to Jove 
 In secret and be safe ? ay, or aloud. 
 With open wishes, so I do not mention 
 Tiberius or Sejanus ? yes I must, 
 If I speak out. 'Tis hard that. May I think, 
 And not be racked ? What danger is't to dream, 
 Talk in one's sleep, or cough ? Who knows the law ? 
 May I shake my head without a comment ? say 
 It rains, or it holds up, and not be thrown 
 Upon the Gemonies ? These now are things, 
 Whereon men's fortune, yea, their fate depends. 
 Nothing hath privilege 'gainst the violent ear. 
 No place, no day, no hour, we see, is free, 
 Not our religious and most sacred times, 
 From some one kind of cruelty : all matter, 
 Nay, all occasion pleaseth. Madmen's rage. 
 The idleness of drunkards, women's nothing, 
 Jester's simplicity, all, all is good 
 That can be catcht at. Nor is now the event 
 Of any person, or for any crime. 
 To be expected ; for 'tis always one : 
 Death, with some little difference of place. 
 Or time What's this ? Prince Nero, guarded ! 
 
 Enter Laco and Nero -with Guards. 
 Lac. On, lictors, keep your way. My lords, forbear. 
 
396 SEJANUS. [act 
 
 IV. 
 
 On pain of Caesar's wrath, no man attempt 
 Speech with the prisoner. 
 
 Ner. Noble friends, be safe ; 
 To lose yourselves for words, were as vain hazard. 
 As unto me small comfort : fare you well. 
 Would all Rome's sufferings in my fate did dwell ! 
 
 Lac. Lictors, away. 
 
 Lep. Where goes he, Laco ? 
 
 Lac. Sir, 
 He's banished into Pontia by the senate. 
 
 Arr. Do I see, hear, and feel ? May I trust sense, 
 Or doth my phant'sie form it ? 
 
 Lep. Where's his brother ? 
 
 Lac. Drusus is prisoner in the palace. 
 
 Arr. Ha ! 
 I smell it now : 'tis rank. Where's Agrippina ? 
 
 Lac. The princess is confined to Pandataria. 
 
 Arr. Bolts, Vulcan ; bolts for Jove ! Phoebus, thy 
 bow ; 
 Stern Mars, thy sword ; and, blue-eyed maid, thy spear ; 
 Thy club, Alcides : all the armoury 
 Of heaven is too little !— Ha ! to guard 
 The gods, I meant. Fine, rare dispatch ! this same 
 Was swiftly born ! Confined, imprisoned, banished ? 
 Most tripartite ! the cause, sir ? 
 
 Lac. Treason. 
 
 Arr. O! 
 The complement of all accusings ! that 
 Will hit, when all else fails. 
 
 Lep. This turn is strange ! 
 But yesterday the people would not hear. 
 Far less objected, but cried Cassar's letters 
 Were false and forged ; that all these plots were malice 
 And that the ruin of the prince's house 
 
SCENE v.] SEJANUS. 397 
 
 Was practised 'gainst his knowlege. Where are now 
 Their voices, now that they behold his heirs 
 Locked up, disgraced, led into exile ? 
 
 Arr. Hushed, 
 Drowned in their bellies. Wild Sejanus' breath 
 Hath, like a whirlwind, scattered that poor dust. 
 With his rude blast. — We'll talk no treason, sir, 
 
 \_Tttriis to Laco and the rest. 
 If that be it you stand for. Fare you well. 
 We have no need of horse-leeches. Good spy, 
 Now you are spied, be gone. 
 
 [_Exeitnt Laco, Nero, and Guards. 
 
 Lep. I fear you wrong him : 
 He has the voice to be an honest Roman. 
 
 Arr. And trusted to this office ! Lepidus, 
 I'd sooner trust Greek Sinon than a man 
 Our state employs. He's gone : and being gone, 
 I dare tell you, whom I dare better trust, 
 That our night-eyed Tiberius doth not see 
 His minion's drifts ; or, if he do, he's not 
 So arrant subtile, as we fools do take him ; 
 To breed a mongrel up, in his own house, 
 With his own blood, and, if the good gods please. 
 At his own throat flesh him to take a leap. 
 I do not beg it, heaven ; but if the fates 
 Grant it these eyes, they must not wink. 
 
 Lep. They must 
 Not see it, Lucius. 
 
 Arr. Who should let them ? 
 
 Lep. Zeal, 
 And duty ; with the thought he is our prince. 
 
 Arr. He is our monster : forfeited to vice 
 So far, as no racked virtue can redeem him. 
 His loathed person fouler than all crimes : 
 
398 SEJANUS. [act iv. 
 
 An emperor only in his lusts. Retired, 
 
 From all regard of his own fame, or Rome's, 
 
 Into an obscure island, where he lives 
 
 Acting his tragedies with a comic face, 
 
 Amidst his rout of Chaldees : spending hours, 
 
 Days, weeks, and months, in the unkind abuse 
 
 Of grave astrology, to the bane of men, 
 
 Casting the scope of men's nativities. 
 
 And having found aught worthy in their fortune, 
 
 Kill, or precipitate them in the sea. 
 
 And boast he can mock fate. Nay, muse not : these 
 
 Are far from ends of evil, scarce degrees. 
 
 He hath his slaughter-house at Caprese ; 
 
 Where he doth study murder as an art ; 
 
 And they are dearest in his grace, that can 
 
 Devise the deepest tortures. Thither, too, 
 
 He hath his boys, and beauteous girls ta'en up 
 
 Out of our noblest houses, the best formed, 
 
 Best nurtured, and most modest ; what's their good. 
 
 Serves to provoke his bad. Some are allured. 
 
 Some threatened ; others, by their friends detained. 
 
 Are ravished hence, like captives, and, in sight 
 
 Of their most grieved parents, dealt away 
 
 Unto his spintries, sellaries, and slaves, 
 
 Masters of strange and new commented lusts. 
 
 For which wise nature hath not left a name. 
 
 To this (what most strikes us, and bleeding Rome) 
 
 He is, with all his craft, become the ward 
 
 To his own vassal, a stale catamite : 
 
 Whom he, upon our low and suffering necks. 
 
 Hath raised from excrement to side the gods, 
 
 And have his proper sacrifice in Rome : 
 
 Which Jove beholds, and yet will sooner rive 
 
 A senseless oak with thunder than his trunk ! 
 
SCENE V.J ^HJAA/US. 399 
 
 Re-enter Laco, with Pomponius and Minutius. 
 Lac. These letters make men doubtful what t' 
 expect, 
 Whether his coming, or his death. 
 
 Pom. Troth, both : 
 And which comes soonest, thank the gods for. 
 
 Arr. List ! 
 Their talk is Caesar ; I would hear all voices. 
 
 [Arrunt. and Lepidus stand aside. 
 
 Min. One day, he's well ; and will return to Rome ; 
 The next day, sick ; and knows not when to hope it. 
 
 Lac. True ; and to-day, one of Sejanus' friends 
 Honoured by special writ ; and on the morrow 
 Another punished 
 
 Pom. By more special writ. 
 
 Min. This man receives his praises of Sejanus, 
 A second but slight mention, a third none, 
 A fourth rebukes : and thus he leaves the senate 
 Divided and suspended, all uncertain. 
 
 Lac. These forked tricks, I understand them not : 
 Would he would tell us whom he loves or hates, 
 That we might follow, without fear or doubt. 
 
 Arr. Good Heliotrope ! Is this your honest man ? 
 Let him be yours so still ; he is my knave. 
 
 Pom. I cannot tell, Sejanus still goes on. 
 And mounts, we see ; new statues are advanced. 
 Fresh leaves of titles, large inscriptions read. 
 His fortune sworn by, himself new gone out 
 Caesar's colleague in the fifth consulship ; 
 More altars smoke to him than all the gods : 
 What would be more ? 
 
 Arr. That the dear smoke would choke him, 
 That would I more. 
 
 Lep. Peace, good Arruntius. 
 
400 SEJANUS. [ACT IV. 
 
 Lat. But there are letters come, they say, ev'n now. 
 Which do forbid that last. 
 
 Mill. Do you hear so ? 
 
 Lac. Yes. 
 
 Pom. By Castor that's the worst. 
 
 Arr. By Pollux, best. 
 
 Mill. I did not like the sign, when Regulus, 
 Whom all we know no friend unto Sejanus, 
 Did, by Tiberius' so precise command. 
 Succeed a fellow in the consulship : 
 It boded somewhat. 
 
 Pom. Not a mote. His partner, 
 Fulcinius Trio, is his own, and sure. — 
 Here comes Terentius. 
 
 Enter Terentius. 
 
 He can give us more. 
 \They whisper with Terentius. 
 Lep. I'll ne'er believe but Caesar hath some scent 
 
 Of bold Sejanus' footing. These cross points 
 
 Of varying letters, and opposing consuls. 
 
 Mingling his honours and his punishments, 
 
 Feigning now ill, now well, raising Sejanus, 
 
 And then depressing him, as now of late 
 
 In all reports we have it, cannot be 
 
 Empty of practise : 'tis Tiberius' art. 
 
 For having found his favourite grown too great. 
 And with his greatness strong ; that all the soldiers 
 Are, with their leaders, made at his devotion ; 
 That almost all the senate are his creatures, 
 Or hold on him their main dependencies. 
 Either for benefit, or hope, or fear ; 
 And that himself hath lost much of his own, 
 By parting unto him ; and, by th' increase 
 
SCENE v.] SEJANUS. 401 
 
 Of his rank lusts and rages, quite disarmed 
 Himself of love, or other public means, 
 To dare an open contestation ; 
 His subtilty hath chose this doubling line. 
 To hold him even in : not so to fear him, 
 As wholly put him out, and yet give check 
 Unto his farther boldness. In mean time, 
 By his employments, makes him odious 
 Unto the staggering rout, whose aid in fine 
 He hopes to use, as sure, who, when they sway, 
 Bear down, o'erturn all objects in their way. 
 
 Arr. You may be a Lynceus, Lepidus : yet I 
 See no such cause, but that a politic tyrant. 
 Who can so well disguise it, should have ta'en 
 A nearer way : feigned honest, and come home 
 To cut his throat, by law. 
 
 Lep. Ay, but his fear 
 Would ne'er be masked, allbe his vices were. 
 Pom. His lordship then is still in grace ? 
 Ter. Assure you. 
 Never in more, either of grace or power. 
 Pom. The gods are wise and just. 
 Arr. The fiends they are. 
 To suffer thee belie 'em. 
 
 Ter. I have here 
 His last and present letters, where he writes him, 
 " The partner of his cares," and " his Sejanus." — 
 
 Lac. But is that true, it is prohibited 
 To sacrifice unto him ? 
 
 Ter. Some such thing 
 Csesar makes scruple of, but forbids it not ; 
 No more than to himself : says he could wish 
 It were forborn to all; 
 Lac. Is it no other ? 
 
 Jon. II. "^D 
 
402 
 
 SEJANUS. [act IV. 
 
 Ter. No other, on my trust. For your more surety, 
 Here is that letter too. 
 
 Arr. How easily 
 Do wretched men believe what they would have.! 
 Looks this like plot ? 
 
 Lep. Noble Arruntius, stay. 
 
 Lac. He names him here without his titles. 
 
 Lep. Note ! 
 
 Arr. Yes, and come off your notable fool. I will. 
 
 Lac. No other than Sejanus. 
 
 Pom. That's but haste 
 In him that writes : here he gives large amends. 
 
 Mar. And with his own hand written ? 
 
 Pom. Yes. 
 
 Lac. Indeed ? 
 
 Ter. Believe it, gentlemen, Sejanus' breast 
 Never received more full contentments in. 
 Than at this present. 
 
 Pom. Takes he well the escape 
 Of young Caligula, with Macro ? 
 
 Ter. Faith, 
 At the first air it somewhat troubled him. 
 
 Lep. Observe you ? 
 
 Arr. Nothing ; riddles. Till I see 
 Sejanus struck, no sound thereof strikes me. 
 
 \_Exeunt Arruntius and Lepidus. 
 
 Pom. I like it not. I muse he would not attempt 
 Somewhat against him in the consulship, 
 Seeing the people 'gin to favour him. 
 
 Ter. He doth repent it now ; but he has employed 
 Pagonianus after him : and he holds 
 That correspondence there, with all that are 
 Near about Caesar, as no thought can pass 
 Without his knowledge, thence in act to front him. 
 
SCENE v.] SEJANUS. 403 
 
 Pam. I gratulate the news. 
 
 Lac. But how comes Macro 
 So in trust and favour with Caligula ? 
 
 Pom. O, sir, he has a wife ; and the young prince 
 An appetite : he can look up and spy 
 Flies in the roof, when there are fleas i' the bed ; 
 And hath a learned nose to assure his sleeps. 
 Who to be favoured of the rising sun. 
 Would not lend little of his waning moon ? 
 It is the saf St ambition. Noble Terentius ! • 
 
 Ter. The night grows fast upon us. At your service. 
 
 \_Exeunt. 
 
ACT THE FIFTH. 
 
 SCENE I. — An Apartment in Sejanus's House. 
 
 Enter Sejanus. 
 
 ?EJ. Swell, swell, my joys ; and faint 
 
 not to declare 
 Yourselves as ample as your causes 
 
 are. 
 I did not live till now : this my first 
 
 hour ; 
 Wherein I see my thoughts reached 
 
 by my power. 
 But this, and gripe my wishes. Great and high, 
 The world knows only two, that's Rome and I. 
 My roof receives me not ; 'tis air I tread ; 
 And, at each step, I feel my advanced head 
 Knock out a star in heaven ! reared to this height. 
 All my desires seem modest, poor, and slight. 
 That did before sound impudent : 'tis place, 
 Not blood, discerns the noble and the base. 
 Is there not something more than to be Caesar ? 
 Must we rest there ? it irks t' have come so far. 
 To be so near a stay. Caligula, 
 Would thou stood'st stiff, and many in our way ! 
 Winds lose their strength, when they do empty fly. 
 
Unmet of woods or buildings ; great fires die, 
 That want their matter to withstand them '. so, 
 It is our grief, and will be our loss, to know 
 Our power shall want opposites ; unless 
 The gods, by mixing in the cause, would bless 
 Our fortune with their conquest. That wer6 worth 
 Sejanus' strife ; durst fates but bring it forth. 
 
 Enter Terentius. 
 
 Ter. Safety to great Sejanus ! 
 
 Sej. Now, Terentius ? 
 
 Ter. Hears not my lord the wonder ? 
 
 Sej. Speak it ; no. 
 
 Ter. I meet it violent in the people's mouth, 
 Who run in routs to Pompey's theatre. 
 To view your statue, which, they say, sends forth 
 A smoke, as from a furnace, black and dreadful. 
 
 Sej. Some traitor hath put fire in : you, go see. 
 And let the head be taken off, to look 
 What 'tis. [_Extt Terentius.] Some slave hath prac- 
 tised an imposture 
 To stir the people. — How now ! why return you ? 
 
 Re-enter Terentius, with Satrius and Natta. 
 
 Sat. The head, my lord, already is ta'en off, 
 I saw it ; and, at opening, there leapt out 
 A great and monstrous serpent. 
 
 Sej. Monstrous ! why ? 
 Had it a beard, and horns ? no heart ? a tongue 
 Forked as flattery ? looked it of the hue, 
 To such as live in great men's bosoms ? was 
 The spirit of it Macro's ? 
 
 Nat. May it please 
 The most divine Sejanus, in my days. 
 
4o6 SEJANUS. [act v. 
 
 (And by his sacred fortune, I affirm it,) 
 I have not seen a more extended, grown, 
 Foul, spotted, venomous, ugly 
 
 Sej. O, the fates ! 
 What a wild muster's here of attributes, 
 T' express a worm, a snake ! 
 
 Ter. But how that should 
 Come there, my lord ! 
 
 Sej. What, and you too, Terentius ! 
 I think you mean to make 't a prodigy 
 In your reporting. 
 
 Ter. Can the wise Sejanus 
 Think heaven hath meant it less ? 
 
 Sej. O, superstition ! 
 Why, then the falling of our bed, that brake 
 This morning, burdened with the populous weight 
 Of our expecting clients, to salute us ; 
 Or running of the cat betwixt our legs. 
 As we set forth unto the Capitol, 
 Were prodigies. 
 
 Ter. I think them ominous : 
 And would they had not happened ! As, to-day, 
 The fate of some your servants : who declining ' 
 Their way, not able, for the throng, to follow, 
 Slipt down the Gemonies, and brake their necks ! 
 Besides, in taking your last augury, 
 No prosperous bird appeared ; but croaking ravens 
 Flagged up and down, and from the sacrifice 
 Flew to the prison, where they sat all night, 
 Beating the air with their obstreperous beaks ! 
 I dare not counsel, but I could entreat, 
 That great Sejanus would attempt the gods 
 Once more with sacrifice. 
 
 ' Turning out of the way. 
 
SCENE H.] SEJANUS. 407 
 
 Sej. What excellent fools 
 Religion makes of men ! Believes Terentius, 
 If these were dangers, as I shame to think them, 
 The gods could change the certain course of fate ? 
 Or, if they could they would, now in a moment, 
 For a beeve's fat, or less, be bribed to invert 
 These long decrees ? Then think the gods, like flies, 
 Are to be taken with the steam of flesh, 
 Or blood, diffused about their altars : think 
 Their power as cheap as I esteem it small. 
 Of all the throng that fill th' Olympian hall. 
 And, without pity, lade poor Atlas' back, 
 I know not that one deity, but Fortune, 
 To whom I would throw up, in begging smoke, 
 One grain of incense ; or whose ear I'd buy 
 With thus much oil. Her I indeed adore ; 
 And keep her grateful image in my house, 
 Sometime belonging to a Roman king. 
 But now called mine, as by the better style : 
 To her I care not, if, for satisfying 
 Your scrupulous phant'sies, I go offer. Bid 
 Our priest prepare us honey, milk, and poppy. 
 His masculine odours, and night-vestments : say 
 Our rites are instant ; which performed, you'll see 
 How vain, and worthy laughter, your fears be. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. — Another Room in the same. 
 
 Enter Cotta and Pomponius. 
 Cot. Pomponius, whither in such speed ? 
 Pom. I go 
 
4o8 SEJANUS. [act v. 
 
 To give my lord Sejanus notice 
 
 Cot. What? 
 
 Pom. Of Macro. 
 
 Cot. Is he come ? 
 
 Pom. Entered but now 
 The house of Regulus. 
 
 Cot. The opposite consul ! 
 
 Pom. Some half hour since. 
 
 Cot. And by night too ! Stay, sir ; 
 I'll bear you company. 
 
 Pom. Along then. \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE III. — A Room in Regulus's House. 
 
 Enter Macro, Regulus, and Attendant. 
 
 Mac. 'Tis Caesar's will to have a frequent senate ; 
 And therefore must your edict lay deep mulct 
 On such as shall be absent. 
 
 Reg. So it doth. 
 Bear it my fellow consul to adscribe. 
 
 Mac. And tell him it must early be proclaimed : 
 The place Apollo's temple. \^Exit Attendant. 
 
 Reg. That's remembered. 
 
 Mac. And at what hour ? 
 
 Reg. Yes. 
 
 Mac. You do forget 
 To send one for the provost of the watch. 
 
 Reg. I have not : here he comes. 
 
 Enter Laco. 
 Mac. Gracinus Laco, 
 
SCENE III.] SE/ANUS. 409 
 
 You are a friend most welcome : by and by, 
 I'll speak with you. You must procure this list 
 Of the prastorian cohorts, with the names 
 Of the centurions, and their tribunes. 
 
 Reg. Ay. 
 
 Mac. I bring you letters, and a health from Caesar. 
 
 Lac. Sir, both come well. 
 
 Mac. And hear you ? with your note. 
 Which are the eminent men, and most of action. 
 
 Reg. That shall be done you too. 
 
 Mac. Most worthy Laco, 
 Cassar salutes you. \_Exit Regulus.J Consul ! death 
 
 and furies ! 
 Gone now ! The argument will please you, sir. 
 Ho ! Regulus ! The anger of the gods 
 Follow your diligent legs, and overtake 'em. 
 In likeness of the gout ! 
 
 Re-enter Regulus. 
 
 O, my good lord, 
 We lacked you present ; I would pray you send 
 Another to Fulcinius Trio, straight. 
 To tell him you will come, and speak with him : 
 The matter we'll devise, to stay him there. 
 While I with Laco do survey the watch. 
 
 ^ \_Exit Regulus. 
 
 What are your strengths, Gracinus ? 
 
 Lac. Seven cohorts. 
 
 Mac. You see what Cssar writes ; and — Gone 
 again ! 
 H' has sure a vein of mercury in his feet. 
 Know you what store of the praetorian soldiers 
 Sejanus holds about him, for his guard ? 
 
 Lac. I cannot the just number ; but I think 
 
4IO SEJANUS. [act v. 
 
 Three centuries. 
 
 Mac. Three ! good. 
 
 Lac. At most not four. 
 
 Mac. And who be those centurions ? 
 
 Lac. That the consul 
 Can best deliver you. 
 
 Mac. When he's away ! 
 Spite on his nimble industry — Gracinus, 
 You find what place you hold, there, in the trust 
 Of royal Caesar ? 
 
 Lac. Ay, and I am 
 
 Mac. Sir, 
 The honours there proposed are but beginnings 
 Of his great favours. 
 
 Lac. They are more 
 
 Mac. I heard him 
 When he did study what to add. 
 
 Lac. My life. 
 And all I hold 
 
 Mac. You were his own first choice ! 
 Which doth confirm as much as you can speak ; 
 And will, if we succeed, make more — — Your guards 
 Are seven cohorts, you say ? 
 
 Lac. Yes. 
 
 Mac. Those we must 
 Hold still in readiness and undischarged. 
 
 Lac. I understand so much. But how it can 
 
 Mac. Be done without suspicion, you'll object ? 
 
 Re-enter Regulus. 
 
 Reg. What's that ? 
 
 Lac. The keeping of the watch in arms. 
 When morning comes. 
 
 Mac. The senate shall be met, and set 
 
SCENE IV.] 
 
 SEJANUS. 
 
 411 
 
 So early in the temple, as all mark 
 Of that shall be avoided. 
 
 Reg. If we need, 
 We have commission to possess the palace. 
 Enlarge Prince Drusus, and make him our chief. 
 
 Mac. That secret would have burnt his reverend 
 mouth, 
 Had he not spit it out now : by the gods, 
 
 You carry things too Let me borrow a man 
 
 Or two, to bear these That of freeing Drusus, 
 
 Cassar projected as the last and utmost ; 
 Not else to be remembered. 
 
 Enter Servants. 
 
 Reg. Here are servants. 
 
 Mac. These to Arruntius, these to Lepidus. 
 This bear to Cotta, this to Latiaris. 
 If they demand you of me, say I have ta'en 
 Fresh horse and am ,departed. \_Exeunt Servants.] 
 
 You, my lord, 
 To your colleague, and be you sure to hold him 
 With long narration of the new fresh favours. 
 Meant to Sejanus, his great patron ; I, 
 With trusted Laco, here, are for the guards : 
 Then to divide. For night hath many eyes. 
 Whereof, though most do sleep, yet some are spies. 
 
 \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE IV. — A Sacellum {or Chapel) in Sejanus's 
 House. 
 Enter Prsecones, Flamen, Tubicines, Tibicines, 
 Ministri, Sejanus, Terentius, Natta, &■,;. 
 
412 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 Prce. " Be all profane far hence ; fly, fly far off : 
 Be absent far ; far hence be all profane ! " 
 
 [Tubicines and Tibicines sound while the Flamen 
 
 washeth. 
 Ma. We have been faulty, but repent us now. 
 And bring pure hands, pure vestments, and pure 
 minds. 
 
 1 Min. Pure vessels. 
 
 2 Mi'n. And pure offerings. 
 
 3 Min. Garlands pure. 
 
 Fla. Bestow your garlands : and, with reverence, 
 place 
 The vervin on the altar. 
 
 Prce. Favour your tongues. 
 
 [ While they sound again, the Flamen takes of the 
 honey with his finger, and tastes, then ministers 
 to all the rest : so of the milk in an earthen 
 vessel, he deals about ; which done, he sprinkleth 
 upon the altar, milk ; then imposeth the honey, 
 and kindleth his gums, and after censing about 
 the altar, placeth his censer thereon, into which 
 they put several branches of poppy, and the music 
 ceasing, proceeds. 
 
 Fla. " Great mother Fortune, queen of human 
 state, 
 Rectress of action, arbitress of fate, 
 To whom all sway, all power, all empire bows. 
 Be present, and propitious to our vows ! " 
 
 Prce. Favour it with your tongues. 
 
 Min. Be present, and propitious to our vows ! 
 
 Omnes. Accept our offering, and be pleased, great 
 goddess. 
 
 Ter. See, see, the image stirs ! 
 
 Sat. And turns away ! 
 
SCENE IV.] SEJANUS. 413 
 
 Nat. Fortune averts her face ! 
 
 Fla. Avert, you gods, 
 The prodigy. Still ! still ! some pious rite 
 We have neglected. Yet, heaven be appeased. 
 And be all tokens false and void, that speak 
 Thy present wrath ! 
 
 Sej. Be thou dumb, scrupulous priest : 
 And gather up thyself, with these thy wares, 
 Which I, in spite of thy blind mistress, or 
 Thy juggling mystery, religion, throw 
 Thus scorned on the earth. 
 
 [ Overturns the statue and the altar. 
 Nay, hold thy look 
 Averted till I woo thee turn again ; 
 And thou shalt stand to all posterity, 
 The eternal game and laughter, with thy neck 
 Writhed to thy tail, like a ridiculous cat. 
 Avoid these fumes, these superstitious lights. 
 And all these cosening ceremonies ; you. 
 Your pure and spiced conscience ! 
 
 \_Exeunt all but Sejanus, Terentius, Satrius, and 
 Natta. 
 
 ■ i I, the slave 
 And mock of fools, scorn on my worthy head ! 
 That have been titled and adored a god. 
 Yea sacrificed unto, myself, in Rome, 
 No less than Jove : and I be brought to do 
 A peevish giglot ' rites ! perhaps the thought 
 And shame of that, made Fortune turn her face. 
 Knowing herself the lesser deity, 
 And but my servant.— Bashful queen, if so, 
 Sejanus thanks thy modesty. Who's that ? 
 
 ' A wanton girl. 
 
414 SEJANUS. [ACT v. 
 
 Enter Pomponius and Minutius. 
 
 Pbm. His fortune suffers, till he hears my news : 
 I have waited here too long. Macro, my lord 
 
 Sej. Speak lower and withdraw. \_Takes him aside. 
 
 Ter. Are these things true ? 
 
 Min. Thousands are gazing at it in the streets. 
 
 Sej. What's that ? 
 
 Ter. Minutius tells us here, my lord. 
 That a new head being set upon your statue, 
 A rope is since found wreathed about it ! and. 
 But now a fiery meteor in the form 
 Of a great ball was seen to roll along 
 The troubled air, where yet it hangs unperfect. 
 The amazing wonder of the multitude ! 
 
 Sej. No more. That Macro's come, is more than 
 all! 
 
 Ter. Is Macro come ? 
 
 Pom. I saw him. 
 
 Ter. Where ? with whom ? 
 
 Pom. With Regulus. 
 
 Sej. Terentius ! 
 
 Ter. My lord. 
 
 Sej. Send for the tribunes, we will straight have up 
 More of the soldiers for our guard. \^Exit Ter.] 
 
 Minutius,. 
 We pray you go for Cotta, Latiaris, 
 Trio the consul, or what senators 
 You know are sure, and ours. \^Exit Min.J You, my 
 
 good Natta, 
 For Laco, provost of the watch. \_Exit Nat.] Now, 
 
 Satrius, 
 The time of proof comes on ; arm all our servants. 
 And without tumult. \^Exit Sat.] You, Pomponius, 
 Hold some good correspondence with the consul : 
 
SCENE IV.]. SEJANUS. 415 
 
 Attempt him, noble friend. [Exit Pomp.J These 
 
 things begin 
 To look like dangers, now, worthy my fates. 
 Fortune, I see thy worst : let doubtful states. 
 And things uncertain hang upon thy Avill ; 
 Me surest death shall render certain still. 
 Yet, why is now my thought turned toward death, 
 Whom fates have let go on, so far in breath, 
 Unchecked or unreproved ? I, that did help 
 To fell the lofty cedar of the world 
 Germanicus ; that at one stroke cut down 
 Drusus, that upright elm ; withered his vine ; 
 Laid Silius and Sabinus, two strong oaks, 
 Flat on the earth ; besides those other shrubs, 
 Cordus and Sosia, Claudia Pulchra, 
 Fernius and Gallus, which I have grubbed up ; 
 And since, have set my axe so strong and deep 
 Into the root of spreading Agrippine ; 
 Lopt off and scattered her proud branches, Nero, 
 Drusus ; and Caius too, although replanted. 
 If you will. Destinies, that after all, 
 I faint now ere I touch my period. 
 You are but cruel ; and I already have done 
 Things great enough. All Rome hath been my slave ; 
 The senate sate an idle looker-on. 
 And witness of my power ; when I have blushed 
 More to command than it to suffer : all 
 The fathers have sat ready and prepared, 
 To give me empire, temples, or their throats. 
 When I would ask 'em ; and, what crowns the top, 
 Rome, senate, people, all the world have seen 
 Jove but my equal ; Csesar but my second. 
 'Tis then your mahce. Fates, who, but your own. 
 Envy and fear to have any power long known. \^Exit. 
 
4i6 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 SCENE v.— ^ Room in the same. 
 
 Enter Terentius and Tribunes. 
 
 Ter. Stay here : I'll give his lordship you are come. 
 Enter Minutius, with Cotta and Latiaris. 
 
 Min. Marcus Terentius, pray you tell my lord 
 Here's Cotta, and Latiaris. 
 
 Ter. Sir, I shall. {.Exit. 
 
 Cot. My letter is the very same with yours ; 
 Only requires me to be present there. 
 And give my voice to strengthen his design. 
 
 Lat. Names he not what it is ? 
 
 Cot. No, nor to you. 
 
 Lat. 'Tis strange and singular doubtful ! 
 
 Cot. So it is. 
 It may be all is left to lord Sejanus. 
 
 Enter Natta and Gracinus Laco. 
 
 Nat. Gentlemen, where's my lord ? 
 
 Tri. We wait him here. 
 
 Cot. The provost Laco ! what's the news ? 
 
 Lat. My lord 
 
 Enter Sejanus. 
 
 Sej. Now, my right dear, noble, and trusted friends. 
 How much I am a captive to your kindness ! 
 Most worthy Cotta, Latiaris, Laco, 
 Your valiant hand ; and, gentlemen, your loves. 
 I wish I could divide myself unto you ; 
 Or that it lay within our narrow powers. 
 To satisfy for so enlarged bounty. 
 Gracinus, we must pray you, hold your guards 
 Unquit when morning comes. Saw you the consul ? 
 
 Min. Trio will presently be here, my lord. 
 
 Cot. They are but giving order for the edict, 
 
SCENE v.] SEJANUS. 4' 7 
 
 To warn the senate ? 
 
 SeJ. How ! the senate ? 
 
 Lac. Yes. 
 This morning in Apollo's temple 
 
 Cot We 
 Are charged by letter to be there, my lord. 
 
 Sej. By letter ! pray you let's see. 
 
 Lat. Knows not his lordship ? 
 
 Cot. It seems so ! 
 
 SeJ. A senate warned ! without my knowledge ! 
 And on this sudden ! Senators by letters 
 Required to be there ! who brought these ? 
 
 Cot. Macro. 
 
 SeJ. Mine enemy ! and when ? 
 
 Cot. This midnight. 
 
 SeJ. Time, 
 With every other circumstance, doth give 
 It hath some strain of engine in 't ! — How now ? 
 
 Enter Satrius. 
 
 Sat. My lord, Sertorius Macro is without. 
 Alone, and prays t' have private conference 
 In business of high nature- with your lordship, 
 He says to me, and which regards you much. 
 
 SeJ. Let him come here. 
 
 Sat. Better, my lord, withdraw : 
 You will betray what store and strength of friends 
 Are now about you ; which he comes to spy. 
 
 SeJ. Is he not armed ? 
 
 Sat. We'll search him. 
 
 SeJ. No ; but take. 
 And lead him to some room, where you concealed 
 May keep a guard upon us. \_Exit Sat.J Noble 
 Laco, 
 
 Jon. II. EE 
 
4i8 SEJANUS. [ACT v. 
 
 You are our trust ; and till our own cohorts 
 
 Can be brought up, your strengths must be our guard. 
 
 Now, good Minutius, honoured Latiaris, 
 
 {^He salutes them humbly. 
 Most worthy and my most unwearied friends ; 
 I return instantly. \_Exit. 
 
 Lat. Most worthy lord ! 
 
 Cot. His lordship is turned instant kind, methinks ; 
 I have not observed it in him heretofore. 
 
 I Tri. 'Tis true, and it becomes him nobly. 
 
 Min. I 
 Am wrapt withal. 
 
 2. Tri. By Mars, he has my lives. 
 Were they a million, for this only grace. 
 
 Lac. Ay, and to name a man ! 
 
 Lat. As he did me ! 
 
 Min. And me ! 
 
 Lat. Who would not spend his life and fortunes 
 To purchase but the look of such a lord ? 
 
 Lac. He that would nor be lord's fool, nor the 
 world's. \_Aside. 
 
 SCENE VI. — Another Room in the same. 
 
 Enter Sejanus, Macro, and Satrius. 
 
 Sej. Macro ! most welcome, a most coveted friend ! 
 Let me enjoy my longings. When arrived you ? 
 
 Mac. About the noon of night. 
 
 Sej. Satrius, give leave. \_Exit Satrius. 
 
 Mac. I have been, since I came, with both the consuls, 
 On a particular design from Csesar. 
 
SCENE VI.] SEJANVS. 419 
 
 Sej. How fares it with our great and royal master ? 
 
 Mac. Right plentifully well ; as with a prince 
 That still holds out the great proportion 
 Of his large favours, where his judgment hath 
 Made once divine election : Hke the god 
 That wants not, nor is wearied to bestow 
 Where merit meets his bounty, as it doth 
 In you, already the most happy, and ere 
 The sun shall climb the south, most high Sejanus. 
 Let not my lord be amused.' For to this end 
 Was I by Caesar sent for to the isle. 
 With special caution to conceal my journey ; 
 And thence had my despatch as privately 
 Again to Rome ; charged to come here by night ; 
 And only to the consuls make narration 
 Of his great purpose : that the benefit 
 Might come more full, and striking, by how much 
 It was less worked for, or aspired by you, 
 Or least informed to the common thought. 
 
 Sej. What may this be? part of myself, dear Macro, 
 If good, speak out ; and share with your Sejanus. 
 
 Alac. If bad, I should for ever loathe myself 
 To be the messenger to so good a lord. 
 I do exceed my instructions to acquaint 
 Your lordship with thus much ; but 'tis my venture 
 On your retentive wisdom : and because 
 I would no jealous scruple should molest 
 Or rack your peace of thought. For I assure 
 My noble lord, no senator yet knows 
 The business meant : though all by several letters 
 Are warned to be there, and give their voices. 
 Only to add unto the state and grace 
 Of what is purposed. 
 
 ' Amazed. 
 
420 ^ SE/ANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 Sej. You take pleasure, Macro, 
 Like a coy wench, in torturing your lover. 
 What can be worth this suffering ? 
 
 Mac. That which follows. 
 The tribunitial dignity and power : 
 Both which Sejanus is to have this day 
 Conferred upon him, and by public senate. 
 
 SeJ. Fortune be mine again ! thou hast satisfied 
 For thy suspected loyalty. [Aside. 
 
 Mac. My lord, 
 I have no longer time, the day approacheth, 
 And I must back to Caesar. 
 
 Sej. Where's Caligula ? 
 
 Mac. That I forgot to tell your lordship. Why, 
 He lingers yonder about Capreae, 
 Disgraced ; Tiberius hath not seen him yet : 
 He needs would thrust himself to go with me. 
 Against my wish or will ; but I have quitted 
 His forward trouble, with as tardy note 
 As my neglect or silence could afford him. 
 Your lordship cannot now command me aught. 
 Because I take no knowledge that I saw you ; 
 But I shall boast to live to serve your lordship : 
 And so take leave. 
 
 Sej. Honest and worthy Macro ; 
 Your love and friendship. {^Exit Macro.] Who's 
 
 there ? Satrius, 
 Attend my honourable friend forth. — O ! 
 How vain and vile a passion is this fear, 
 What base uncomely things it makes men do ! 
 Suspect their noblest friends, as I did this. 
 Flatter poor enemies, entreat their servants. 
 Stoop, court, and catch at the benevolence 
 Of creatures unto whom, within this hour, 
 
SCENE vii.] SEJANUS. 421 
 
 I would not have vouchsafed a quarter-look, 
 
 Or piece of face ! By you that fools call gods, 
 
 Hang all the sky with your prodigious signs, 
 
 Fill earth with monsters, drop the scorpion down, 
 
 Out of the zodiac, or the fiercer lion. 
 
 Shake off the loosened globe from her long hinge, 
 
 Roll all the world in darkness, and let loose 
 
 The enraged winds to turn up groves and towns ! 
 
 When I do fear again, let me be struck 
 
 With forked fire, and unpitied die : 
 
 Who fears, is worthy of calamity, [^Exit 
 
 SCENE VII. — Another Room in the same, 
 
 £nter Tekentius, Minutius, Laco, Cotta, Latiaris, 
 and PoMPONius ; Regulus, Trio, and others^ on 
 different sides. 
 
 Pom. Is not my lord here ? 
 
 Ter. Sir, he will be straight. 
 
 Cot. What news, Fulcinius Trio ? 
 
 Tri. Good, good tidings ; 
 But keep it to yourself. My lord Sejanus 
 Is to receive this day in open senate 
 The tribunitial dignity. 
 
 Cot. Is't true ? 
 
 Tri. No words, not to your thought ; but, sir, 
 believe it. 
 
 Lat. What says the consul ? 
 
 Cot. Speak it not again : 
 He tells me that to-day my lord Sejanus 
 
 Tri. I must entreat you, Cotta, on your honour 
 
422 SEJANUS. ACT V. 
 
 Not to reveal it. 
 
 Cot. On my life, sir. 
 
 Lat. Say. 
 
 Cot, Is to receive the tribunitial power. 
 But, as you are an honourable man. 
 Let me conjure you not to utter it ; 
 For it is trusted to me with that bond. 
 
 Lat. I am Harpocrates. 
 
 Tcr. Can you assure it ? 
 
 Pom. The consul told it me ; but keep it close. 
 
 Mill, Lord Latiaris, what's the news ? 
 
 Lat. I'll tell you ; 
 But you must swear to keep it secret. 
 
 Enter Sejanus. 
 
 Scj. I knew the Fates had on their distaff left 
 More of our thread, than so. 
 
 Reg. Hail, great Sejanus ! 
 
 Tri. Hail, the most honoured ! 
 
 Cot, Happy ! 
 
 Lat, High Sejanus ! 
 
 Sej. Do you bring prodigies too ? 
 
 Tri, May all presage 
 Turn to those fair effects, whereof we bring 
 Your lordship news. 
 
 Reg. May't please my lord withdraw. 
 
 Sej, Yes : — I will speak with you anon. 
 
 {To some that stand by. 
 
 Ter. My lord, 
 What is your pleasure for the tribunes ? 
 
 Sej. Why, 
 Let them be thanked and sent away. 
 
 Min, My lord 
 
 Lac. Will't please my lordship to command m^ 
 
SCENE VIII.J SEJANUS. 
 
 423 
 
 Sej. No : 
 You are troublesome. 
 
 Mill. The mood is changed. 
 
 Tvi. Not speak, 
 Nor look ! 
 
 Lac. Ay, he is wise, will make him friends 
 Of such who never love but for their ends. \_Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE VIII.— ^ Space before the Temple of Apollo. 
 
 Enter Arruntius and Lepidus, divers Senators 
 t>assing by them. 
 
 Arr. Ay, go, make haste ; take heed you be not 
 last 
 To tender your All Hail in the wide hall 
 Of huge Sejanus : run a lictor's pace : 
 Stay not to put your robes on ; but away 
 With the pale troubled ensigns of great friendship 
 Stamped in your face ! Now, Marcus Lepidus, 
 You still believe your former augury ! 
 Sejanus must go downward ! You perceive 
 His wane approaching fast ! 
 
 Lep. Believe me, Lucius, 
 I wonder at this rising. 
 
 Arr. Ay, and that we 
 Must give our suffrage to it. You will say. 
 It is to make his fall more steep and grievous : 
 It may be so. But think it, they that can 
 With idle wishes 'say to bring back time : 
 In cases desperate, all hope is crime. 
 See, see ! wh^t troops of his officious friends 
 
424 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 Flock to salute my lord, and start before 
 My great proud lord ! to get a lord-like nod ! 
 Attend my lord unto the senate-house ! 
 Bring back my lord ! like servile ushers, make 
 Way for my lord ! proclaim his idol lordship, 
 More than ten criers, or six noise of trumpets ! 
 Make legs, kiss hands, and take a scattered hair 
 From my lord's eminent shoulder ! [Sanquinius and 
 
 Haterius pass over the stage.] See, Sanquinius, 
 With his slow belly, and his dropsy ! look, 
 What toiHng haste he makes ! yet here's another 
 Retarded with the gout, will be afore him= 
 Get thee Liburnian porters, thou gross fool. 
 To bearthy obsequious fatness, like thy peers. 
 They are met ! the gout returns, and his great 
 
 carriage. 
 
 [Lictors, Regulus, Trio, Sejanus, Sateius and 
 many other Senators /«.j.y over the stage. 
 
 Lict. Give way, make place, room for the consul ! 
 
 San. Hail, 
 Hail, great Sejanus ! 
 
 Hat. Hail, my honoured lord ! 
 
 Arr. We shall be marked anon, for our not Hail. 
 
 Lep. That is already done. 
 
 Arr. It is a note. 
 Of upstart greatness, to observe and watch 
 For these poor trifles, which the noble mind 
 Neglects and scorns. 
 
 Lep. Ay, and they think themselves 
 Deeply dishonoured where they are omitted, 
 As if they were necessities that helped 
 To the perfection of their dignities ; 
 And hate the men that but refrain them. 
 
SCENE X.] 
 
 SEJANUS. 
 
 425 
 
 Arr. O ! 
 There is a farther cause of hate. Their breasts 
 Are guilty that we know their obscure springs, 
 And base beginnings ; thence the anger grows. 
 On. Follow. \_Exctmt. 
 
 SCENE TK..— Another Part of the same. 
 
 Enter Macro and Laco. 
 
 Mar. When all are entered, shut the temple doors ; 
 And bring your guards up to the gate. 
 
 Lac. I will. 
 
 Mac. If you shall hear commotion in the senate. 
 Present yourself : and charge on any man 
 Shall offer to come forth. 
 
 Lac. I am instructed. \_Exeitnt. 
 
 SCENE X.—The Temple of Apollo. 
 
 Enter Haterius, Trio, Sanquinius, Cotta, Regulus, 
 Sejanus, Pomponius, Latiaris, Lepidus, Arrun- 
 Tius, and divers other Senators ; Praecones and 
 Lictores. 
 
 Hat. How well his lordship looks to-day ! 
 Tri. As if 
 He had been born, or made for this hour's state. 
 Cot, Your fellow consul's come about, methinks ? 
 
426 SEJANUS. [ACT 
 
 Tri. Ay, he is wise. 
 
 San. Sejanus trusts him well. 
 
 Tri. Sejanus is a noble, bounteous lord. 
 
 Hat. He is so, and most valiant. 
 
 Lat. And most wise. 
 
 I Sen. He's everything. 
 
 Lat. Worthy of all, and more 
 Than bounty can bestow. 
 
 Tri. This dignity 
 Will make him worthy. 
 
 Pom. Above Caesar. 
 
 San. Tut, 
 Caesar is but the rector of an isle. 
 He of the Empire. 
 
 Tri. Now he will have power 
 More to reward than ever. 
 
 Cot. Let us look 
 We be not slack in giving him our voices. 
 
 Lat. Not I. 
 
 San. Nor 1. 
 
 Cot. The readier -we seem 
 To propagate his honours, will more bind 
 His thoughts to ours. 
 
 Hat. I think right with your lordship ; 
 It is the way to have us hold our places. 
 
 San. Ay, and get more. 
 
 Lat. More office and more titles. 
 
 Pom. I will not lose the part I hope to share 
 In these his fortunes, for my patrimony. 
 
 Lat. See how Arruntius sits, and Lepidus ! 
 
 Tri. Let them alone, they will be marked anon. 
 
 1 Sen. I'll do with others. 
 
 2 Sen. So will I. 
 
 3 Sen. And I, 
 
SCENE X.] SE/ANUS. 427 
 
 Men grow not in the state but as they are planted 
 Warm in his favours. 
 
 Cot. Noble Sejanus ! 
 
 Hat. Honoured Sejanus ! 
 
 Lat. Worthy and great Sejanus ! 
 
 Arr. Gods ! how the sponges open and take in, 
 And shut again ! look, look ! is not he blest 
 That gets a seat in eye-reach of him ? more 
 That comes in ear, or tongue-reach ? O but most 
 Can claw his subtile elbow, or with a buz 
 Fly-bow his ears ? 
 
 Prcet. Proclaim the senate's peace, 
 And give last summons by the edict. 
 
 Prce. Silence ! 
 In the name of Caesar, and the senate, silence ! 
 
 " Memmius Regulus, and Fulcinius Trio, consuls, 
 these present kalends of June, with the first light, 
 shall hold a senate, in the temple of Apollo Palatine : 
 all that are fathers, and are registered fathers, that 
 have right of entering the senate, we warn or com- 
 mand you be frequently present, take knowledge the 
 business is the commonwealth's : whosoever is absent, 
 his fine or mulct will be taken, his excuse will not be 
 taken." 
 
 Tri. Note who are absent, and record their names. 
 
 Reg. Fathers conscript, may what I am to utter 
 Turn good and happy for the commonwealth ! 
 And thou, Apollo, in whose holy house 
 We here are met, inspire us all with truth. 
 And liberty of censure to our thought ! 
 The majesty of great Tiberius Caesar 
 Propounds to this grave senate, the bestowing 
 Upon the man he loves, honoured Sejanus, 
 
428 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 The tribunitial dignity and. power : 
 
 Here are his letters, signed with his signet. 
 
 What pleasethjiow the fathers to be done ? 
 
 Sen. Read, read them, open, publicly read them. 
 
 Cot. Cassar hath honoured his own greatness much 
 In thinking of this act. 
 
 Trt. It was a thought 
 Happy, and worthy Ceesar. 
 
 Lat. And the lord 
 As worthy it, on whom it is directed ! 
 
 Hat. Most worthy ! 
 
 San. Rome did never boast the virtue 
 That could give envy bounds, but his : Sejanus^ 
 
 1 Sen. Honoured and noble ! 
 
 2 Sen. Good and great Sejanus ! 
 
 Arr. O, most tame slavery, and fierce flattery ! 
 Prce. Silence ! 
 
 " Tiberius Caesar to the Senate greeting. 
 
 If you, conscript fathers, with your children, be in 
 health, it is abundantly well : we with our friends 
 here are so. The care of the commonwealth, howso- 
 ever we are removed in person, cannot be absent to 
 our thought : although, oftentimes, even to princes 
 most present, the truth of their own affairs is hid ; 
 than which nothing falls out more miserable to a 
 state, or makes the art of governing more difficult. 
 But since it hath been our easeful happiness to enjoy 
 both the aids and industry of so vigilant a senate, we 
 profess to have been the more indulgent to our 
 pleasures, not as being careless of our office, tut 
 rather secure of the necessity. Neither do these 
 common rumours of many, and infamous libels pub- 
 lished against our retirement, at all afflict us ; being 
 
SCENE X.] SEJANUS. 429 
 
 born more out of men's ignorance than their malice : 
 and will, neglected, .find their own grave quickly; 
 whereas, too sensibly acknowledged, it would make 
 their obloquy ours. Nor do we desire their authors, 
 though found, be censured, since in a free state, as 
 ours, all men ought to enjoy both their minds and 
 tongues free." 
 
 An'. The lapwing, the lapwing ! 
 
 " Yet in things which shall worthily and more near 
 concern the majesty of a prince, we shall fear to be 
 so unnaturally cruel to our own fame, as to neglect 
 them. True it is, conscript fathers, that we have 
 raised Sejanus from obscure, and almost unknown 
 gentry," 
 
 Sen. How, how ! 
 
 " to the highest and most conspicuous point of great- 
 ness, and, we hope, deservingly ; yet not without 
 danger : it being a most bold hazard in that sovereign 
 who, by his particular love to one, dares adventure 
 the hatred of all his other subjects." 
 
 Arr. This touches ; the blood turns. 
 
 " But we affy in your loves and understandings, and 
 do no way suspect the merit of our Sejanus, to make 
 our favours offensive to any." 
 
 Sen. O ! good, good. 
 " Though we could have wished his zeal had run a 
 calmer course against Agrippina and our nephews, 
 howsoever the openness of their actions declared them 
 delinquents ; and that he would have remembered no 
 innocence is so safe, but it rejoiceth to stand in the 
 sight of mercy : the use of which in us he hath so 
 
430 SEJANUS. [act v. 
 
 quite taken away toward them, by his loyal fury, as 
 now our clemency would be thought but wearied 
 cruelty, if we should offer to exercise it." 
 
 Arr. I thank him ; there I looked for 't. 
 A good fox ! 
 
 " Some there be that would interpret this his public 
 severity to be particular ambition ; and that, under a 
 pretext of service to us, he doth but remove his own 
 lets : alleging the strengths he hath made to himself, 
 by the praetorian soldiers, by his faction in court and 
 senate, by the offices he holds- himself, and confers on 
 others, his popularity and dependents, his urging and 
 almost driving us to this our unwilling retirement, and, 
 lastly, his aspiring to be our son-in-law." 
 
 Sen. This is strange ! 
 
 Arr. I shall anon believe your vultures,' Marcus. 
 
 " Your wisdoms, conscript fathers, are able to examine, 
 and censure these suggestions. But were they left 
 to our absolving voice, we durst pronounce them, as 
 we think them, most malicious." 
 
 Sen. O, he has restored all ; list ! 
 
 " Yet are they offered to be averred, and on the lives oi 
 the informers. What we should say, or rather what 
 we should not say, lords of the senate, if this be true, 
 our gods and goddesses confound us if we know ! 
 Only we must think, we have placed our benefits ill ; 
 and conclude, that in our choice, either we were 
 wanting to the gods, or the gods to us." 
 
 \The Senators shift their places. 
 
 Arr. The place grows hot ; they shift. 
 
 ' Augury, vultures were one of the best known omens. 
 
SCENE X.I SEJANUS. 43, 
 
 " We have not been covetous, honourable fathers, to 
 change ; neither is it now any new lust that alters our 
 affection, or old loathing : but those needful jealousies 
 of state, that warn wiser princes hourly to provide 
 their safety ; and do teach them how learned a thing 
 it is to beware of the humblest enemy ; much more of 
 those great ones, whom their own employed favours 
 have made fit for their fears.'' 
 
 1 Sen. Away. 
 
 2 Sen. Sit farther. 
 Cot. Let's remove 
 
 Arr. Gods ! how the leaves drop off, this little 
 wind ! 
 
 " We therefore desire, that the office he holds be first 
 seized by the senate ; and himself suspended from all 
 exercise of place or power " 
 
 Sen. How ! 
 
 San. \_thrtcsttng by."] By your leave. 
 
 Arr. Come, porpoise ; where's Haterius ? 
 His gout keeps him most miserably constant ! 
 Your dancing shows a tempest. 
 
 SeJ. Read no more. 
 
 Reg. Lords of the senate, hold your seats : read on. 
 
 SeJ. These letters they are forged. 
 
 Reg. A guard ! sit still. 
 
 Enter Laco, with the Guards. 
 
 Arr. Here's change ! 
 
 Reg. Bid silence, and read forward. 
 
 PrcB. Silence — " and himself suspended from all 
 exercise of place or power, but till due and mature 
 trial be made of his innocency, which yet we can 
 
432 SEJANUS. [act v. 
 
 faintly apprehend the necessity to doubt. If, conscript 
 -fathers, to your more searching wisdoms, there shall 
 appear farther cause — or of farther- proceeding, either 
 to seizure of lands, goods, or more — it is not our power 
 that shall limit your authority, or our favour that 
 must corrupt your justice : either were dishonourable 
 in you, and^both uncharitable to ourself We would 
 willingly be present with your counsels in this busi- 
 ness ; but the danger of so potent a faction, if it should 
 prove so, forbids our attempting it : except one of the 
 consuls would be entreated for our safety, to undertake 
 the guard of us home ; then we should most readily 
 adventure. In the meantime, it shall not be lit for us 
 to importune so judicious a senate, who know how 
 much they hurt the innocent, that spare the guilty ; 
 and how grateful a sacrifice to the gods is the life of 
 an ingrateful person. We reflect not in this on 
 Sejanus, (notwithstanding, if you keep an eye upon 
 him — and there is Latiaris, a senator, and Pinnarius 
 Natta, two of his most trusted ministers ; and so 
 professed, whom we desire not to have apprehended,) 
 but as the necessity of the cause exacts it." 
 
 Reg. A guard on Latiaris ! 
 
 Arr. O, the spy. 
 The reverend spy is caught ! who pities him ! 
 Reward, sir, for your service : now, you have done 
 Your property, you see what use is made ! 
 
 \JExeiint Latiaris and Natta guarded. 
 Hang up the instrument. 
 
 Sej. Give leave. 
 
 Lac. Stand, stand ! 
 He comes upon his death, that doth advance 
 An inch toward my point. 
 
SCENE X.] SEJANVS. 433 
 
 Sej. Have we no friends here ? 
 Arr. Hushed ! 
 Where now are all the hails and acclamations ? 
 
 Enter Macro. 
 
 Mac. Hail to the consuls, and this noble senate ! 
 
 Sej. Is Macro here ? O, thou art lost, Sejanus ! 
 
 \Aside. 
 
 Mac. Sit still, and unaffrighted, reverend fathers ; 
 Macro, by Caesar's grace, the new-made provost, 
 And now possest of the praetorian bands, 
 An honour late belonged to that proud man. 
 Bids you be safe : and to your constant doom 
 Of his deservings, offers you the surety 
 Of all the soldiers, tribunes, and centurions. 
 Received in our command. 
 
 Reg. Sejanus, Sejanus, 
 Stand forth, Sejanus ! 
 
 Sej. Am I called ! 
 
 Mac. Ay, thou. 
 Thou insolent monster, art bid stand. 
 
 Sej. Why, Macro, 
 It hath been otherwise between you and I ; 
 This court, that knows us both, hath seen a difference. 
 And can, if it be pleased to speak, confirm 
 Whose insolence is most. 
 
 Mac. Come down, Typhoeus. 
 If mine be most, lo ! thus I make it more ; 
 Kick up thy heels in air, tear off thy robe. 
 Play with thy beard and nostrils. Thus 'tis fit 
 (And no man take compassion of thy state) 
 To use th' ingrateful viper, tread his brains 
 Into the earth. 
 
 Reg. Forbear. 
 
 Jon. II. FF 
 
434 SEJANUS. [act v 
 
 Mac. If I could lose 
 All my humanity now, 'twere well to torture 
 So meriting a traitor. — Wherefore, fathers, 
 Sit you amazed and silent ; and not censure 
 This wretch, who, in the hour he first rebelled 
 'Gainst Caesar's bounty, did condemn himself? 
 Phlegra, the field where all the sons of earth 
 Mustered against the gods, did ne'er acknowledge 
 So proud and huge a monster. 
 
 Reg. Take him hence ; 
 And all the gods guard Caesar ! 
 
 Trt. Take him hence. 
 
 Hat. Hence. 
 
 Cot. To the dungeon with him. 
 
 San. He deserves it. 
 
 Sen. Crown all our doors with bays. 
 
 San. And let an ox. 
 With gilded horns and garlands, straight be led 
 Unto the Capitol. 
 
 Hat. And sacrificed 
 To Jove, for Caesar's safety. 
 
 Tri. All our gods 
 Be present still to Caesar ! 
 
 Cot. Phoebus. 
 
 San. Mars. 
 
 Hat. Diana. 
 
 San. Pallas. 
 
 Sen. Juno, Mercury. 
 All guard him ! 
 
 Mac. Forth, thou prodigy of men. 
 
 \_Extt Sejanus, guardea. 
 
 Cot. Let all the traitor's titles be defaced. 
 
 Tri. His images and statues be pulled down. 
 Hat. His chariot- wheels be broken. 
 
SCENE X.] SMJANVS. 435 
 
 Arr. And the legs 
 Of the poor horses, that deserved nought, 
 Let them be broken too ! 
 
 \_Exeiint Lictors, Prsecones, Macro, Regulus, 
 Trio, Hatekius, arid Sanquinius : manent 
 Lepidus, Arruntius, and a few Senators. 
 
 Lep. O violent change, 
 And whirl of men's affections ! 
 
 Arr. Like, as both 
 Their bulks and souls were bound on Fortune's 
 
 wheel. 
 And must act only with her motion. 
 
 Lcp. Who would depend' upon the popular air, 
 Or voice of men, that have to day beheld 
 That which, if all the gods had fore-declared, 
 Would not have been believed, Sejanus' fall ? 
 He that this morn rose proudly as the sun. 
 And, breaking through a mist of clients' breath, 
 Came on, as gazed at and admired as he. 
 When superstitious Moors salute his light ! 
 That had our servile nobles waiting him 
 As common grooms ; and hanging on his look 
 No less than human life on destiny ! 
 That had men's knees as frequent as the gods ; 
 And sacrifices more than Rome had altars : 
 And this man fall ! fall ? ay, without a look 
 That durst appear his friend, or lend so much 
 Of vain relief, to his changed state, as pity ! 
 
 Arr. They that before, like gnats, played in his 
 beams. 
 And thronged to circumscribe him, now not seen, 
 Nor deign to hold a common seat with him ! 
 Others, that waited him unto the senate. 
 Now inhumanely ravish him to prison. 
 
436 SEJANUS. [act V. 
 
 Whom but this morn they followed as their lord ! 
 Guard through the streets, bound like a fugitive, 
 Instead of wreaths give fetters, strokes for stoops : 
 Blind shames for honours, and black taunts for titles ! 
 Who would trust slippery chance ? 
 
 Lep. They that would make 
 Themselves her spoil ; and foolishly forget, 
 When she doth flatter, that she comes to prey. 
 Fortune, thou hadst no deity, if men 
 Had wisdom : we have placed thee so high. 
 By fond belief in thy felicity. 
 
 \_Shoui wttktn.} The gods guard Caesar ! All the 
 gods guard Caesar ! 
 
 Re-enter Macro, Regulus, and divers Senators. 
 
 Mac. Now, great Sejanus, you that awed the state, 
 And sought to bring the nobles to your whip ; 
 That would be Caesar's tutor, and dispose 
 Of dignities and offices ! that had 
 The public head still bare to your designs, 
 And made the general voice to echo yours ! 
 That looked for salutations twelve score off. 
 And would have pyramids, yea, temples, reared 
 To your huge greatness ; now you lie as flat 
 As was your pride advanced ! 
 
 Reg. Thanks to the gods ! 
 
 Sen. And praise to Macro, that hath saved Rome ! 
 Liberty, liberty, liberty ! Lead on. 
 And praise to Macro, that hath saved Rome ! 
 
 \_Exetint all but Arruntius and Lepidus. 
 
 Arr. I prophesy, out of the senate's flattery. 
 That this new fellow. Macro, will become 
 A greater prodigy in Rome than he 
 That now is fallen. 
 
SCENE X.] SEJAnUS. 43? 
 
 Enter Terentius. 
 
 Ter. O you, whose minds are good, 
 And have not forced all mankind from your breasts ; 
 That yet have so much stock of virtue left, 
 To pity guilty states, when they are wretched : 
 Lend your soft ears to hear, and eyes to weep, 
 Deeds done by men, beyond the acts of furies. 
 The eager multitude (who never yet 
 Knew why to love or hate, but only pleased 
 T' express their rage of power) no sooner heard 
 The murmur of Sejanus in decline. 
 But with that speed and heat of appetite. 
 With which they greedily devour the way 
 To some great sports, or a new theatre. 
 They filled the Capitol, and Pompey's Cirque 
 Where, like so many mastiffs, biting stones. 
 As if his statues now were sensitive 
 Of their wild fury ; first, they tear them down ; 
 Then fastening ropes, drag them along the streets, 
 Crying in scorn. This, this was that ricli head 
 Was crowned with garlands, and Avith odours, this 
 That was in Rome so reverenced ! Now 
 The furnace and the bellows shall to work. 
 The great Sejanus crack, and piece by piece 
 Drop in the founder's pit. 
 
 Lep. O popular rage ! 
 
 Ter. The whilst the senate at the temple of Con- 
 cord 
 Make haste to meet again, and thronging cry, 
 Let us condemn him, tread him down in water. 
 While he doth lie upon the bank ; away ! 
 While some more tardy, cry unto their bearers, 
 He will be censured ere we come ; run, knaves, 
 And use that furious diligence, for fear 
 
438 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 Their bondmen should inform against their slackness, 
 
 And bring their quaking flesh unto the hook : 
 
 The rout they follow with confused voice, 
 
 Crying they're glad, say they could ne'er abide him ; 
 
 Inquire what man he was, what kind of face, 
 
 What beard he had, what nose, what lips ? Protest 
 
 They ever did presage he'd come to this ; 
 
 They never thought him wise, nor valiant ; ask 
 
 After his garments, when he dies, what death ; 
 
 And not a beast of all the herd demands 
 
 What was his crime, or who were his accusers. 
 
 Under what proof or testimony he fell ? 
 
 There came, says one, a huge long-worded letter 
 
 From Capreae against him. Did there so ? 
 
 O, they are satisfied ; no more. 
 
 Lep. Alas ! 
 They follow Fortune, and hate men condemned, 
 Guilty or not. 
 
 Arr. But had Sejanus thrived 
 In his design, and prosperously opprest 
 The old Tiberius ; then, in that same minute. 
 These very rascals, that now rage like furies. 
 Would have proclaimed Sejanus emperor. 
 
 Lcp. But what hath followed ? 
 
 Ter. Sentence by the senate. 
 To lose his head ; which was no sooner off. 
 But that and the unfortunate trunk were seized 
 By the rude multitude ; who not content 
 With what the forward justice of the state 
 Officiously had done, with violent. rage 
 Have rent it limb from limb. A thousand heads, 
 A thousand hands, ten thousand tongues and voices, 
 Employed at once in several acts of malice ! 
 Old men not staid with age, virgins with shame. 
 
SCENE X.] SEJANUS. 439 
 
 Late wives with-loss of husbands, mothers of children, 
 Losing all grief in joy of his sad fall, 
 Run quite transported with their cruelty ! 
 These mounting at his head, these at his face. 
 These digging out his eyes, those with his brains 
 Sprinkling themselves, their houses and their friends ; 
 Others are met, have ravished thence an arm. 
 And deal small pieces of the flesh for favours ; 
 These with a thigh, this hath cut off his hands. 
 And this his feet ; these fingers, and these toes ; 
 That hath his liver, he his heart : there wants 
 Nothing but room for wrath, and place for hatred ! 
 What cannot oft be done, is now o'erdone. 
 The whole, and all of what was great Sejanus, 
 And, next to Csesar, did possess the world. 
 Now torn and scattered, as he needs no grave 
 Each little dust covers a little part : 
 So lies he nowhere, and yet often buried ! 
 
 Enter NuNTius. 
 
 Arr. More of Sejanus ? 
 
 Nun. Yes. 
 
 Lep. What can be added ? 
 We know him dead. 
 
 Nnn. Then there begin your pity. 
 There is enough behind to melt ev'n Rome, 
 And Csesar into tears ; since never slave 
 Could yet so highly offend, but tyranny, 
 In tormenting him, would make worth lamenting. 
 A son and daughter to the dead Sejanus, 
 (Of whom there is not now so much remaining 
 As would give fastening to the hangman's hook,) 
 Have they drawn forth for further sacrifice ; 
 Whose tenderness of knowledge, unripe years. 
 
440 SEJANUS. [Aca' v. 
 
 And childish silly innocence was such, 
 
 As scarce would lend them feeling of their danger ; 
 
 The girl so simple, as she often asked 
 
 " Where they would lead her ? for what cause they 
 
 dragged her ? " 
 Cried, " She would do no more : " that she could 
 
 take 
 " Warning with beating." And because our laws 
 Admit no virgin immature to die, 
 The wittily and strangely cruel Macro, 
 Delivered her to be deflowered and spoiled, 
 By the rude lust of the licentious hangman, 
 Then to be strangled with her harmless brother. 
 
 Lep. O, act most worthy hell, and lasting night, 
 To hide it from the world ! 
 
 Nun. Their bodies thrown 
 Into the Gemonies (I know not how. 
 Or by what accident returned), the mother, 
 The expulsed Apicata, finds them there ; 
 Whom when she saw lie spread on the degrees. 
 After a world of fury on herself. 
 Tearing her hair, defacing of her face, 
 Beating her breasts and womb, kneeling amazed. 
 Crying to heaven, then to them ; at last. 
 Her drowned voice gat up above her woes. 
 And with such black and bitter execrations 
 As might affright the gods, and force the sun 
 Run backward to the east ; nay, make the old 
 Deformed chaos rise again, to o'erwhelm 
 Them, us, and all the world, she fills the air, 
 Upbraids the heavens with their partial dooms. 
 Defies their tyrannous powers, and demands, 
 What she, and those poor innocents have trans- 
 gressed, 
 
SCENE X.] SEJANUS. 441 
 
 That they must suffer such a share in vengeance, 
 Whilst Livia, Lygdus, and Eudemus live, 
 Who, as she says, and firmly vows to prove it 
 To Caesar and the senate, poisoned Drusus ? 
 
 Lep. Confederates with her husband ! 
 
 Nun. Ay. 
 
 Lep. Strange act ! 
 
 Arr. And strangely opened : what says now my 
 monster. 
 The multitude ? they reel now, do they not ? 
 
 Nun. Their gall is gone, and now they 'gin to weep 
 The mischief they have done. 
 
 Arr. I thank 'em, rogues. 
 
 Nim. Part are so stupid, or so flexible. 
 As they believe him innocent ; all grieve : 
 And some, whose hands yet reek with his warm 
 
 blood. 
 And grip the part which they did tear of him. 
 Wish him collected and created new. 
 
 Lep. How Fortune piles her sports, when she begins 
 To practise them ! pursues, continues, adds, 
 Confounds with varying her impassioned moods i 
 
 Arr. Dost thou hope. Fortune, to redeem thy 
 crimes. 
 To make amend for thy ill placed favours, 
 With these strange punishments ! Forbear, you 
 
 things 
 That stand upon the pinnacles of state, 
 To boast your slippery height ; when you do fall, 
 You pash yourselves in pieces, ne'er to rise ; 
 And he that lends you pity, is not wise. 
 
 Ter. Let this example move the insolent man. 
 Not to grow proud and careless of the gods. 
 It is an odious wisdom to blaspheme, 
 
 Jon. n. GG 
 
442 SEJANUS. [ACT V. 
 
 Much more to slighten, or deny their powers : 
 For whom the morning saw so great and high, 
 Thus low and little, 'fore the even doth lie. 
 
 \_Exeunt. 
 
 END OF VOL. II. 
 
C5c ©re0l&am Prcstf, 
 
 UNWIN BROTHERS, 
 CHILWORTH AND LONDON. 
 
::