IS' { £0 LL UNFVER&ITY LIMMY TfflS BOOK IS ONE OF A COLLECTION MADE BY BENNO LOEWY 1854-1919 AND BEQUEATHED TO CORNELL UNIVERSITY __ . Cornell University Library PQ 1685.E5 1873 Works of Rabelais 1924 027 227 259 The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027227259 " ' My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most thai,. ever was in the world.' With these words, he did cry like a'"" THE WORKS OF RABELAIS FAITHFULL Y TRANSLA 7 ED FROM THE FRENCH WITH VARIORUM NOTES AND FRONTISPIECE. £onbon: CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY. /\?S6>6 V^*" " Cardinal Duprat was so enamoured of Rabelais' Works, that he was never without a copy of them. Wherever he went, his Rabelais went with him. ' ' Cardinal Jean du Bellay was possessed of the same feeling ; he admired Rabelais so much, that he refused a learned individual of the day a seat at his table because he had not read The Book, for so Rabelais' singular narrative was called." Ventouillac. CONTENTS. BOOK I. CUAP. PAGE The Author's Prologue to the First*Book 3 I. Of the genealogy and antiquity of Gargantua ... 7 II. The antidoted conundrums, found in an ancient monu- ment 9 III. How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mo- ther's belly . . . • 11 IV. How Gargamelle, being big with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes 13 V. How they chirped over their cups 14 VI. How Gargantua was born in a strange manner ... 16 VTL After what manner Gargantua had his name given him ; and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can . . 18 VIII. How they apparelled Gargantua . "". 19 IX. The colors and liveries of Gargantua 22 X. Of that which is signified by the colors white and blue 24 1 XI. Of the youthful age of Gargantua 26 XII. Of Gargantua's wooden horses • 28 XIII. How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchcul or wipe-breech 30 XIV. How Gargantua was taught Latin by a sophister . . 32 XV. How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters . 34 XVI. How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode on ; how she destroyed the ox-flies of the Beauce j6. XVll. How Gargantua paid his beverage to the Parisians, and how he took away the great bells of our Lady's Church 37 KVUI. How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells . . - 39 viii CONTENTS. chap. was XIX. The harangue a.' Master Janotus de Bragmardo for the recovery of tho bells 39 XX. How the sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters . . . ■ 4' XXI. The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters the sophisters ••••••• 43 XXII. The games of Gargantua .....•■•••45 XXIII. How Gargantua was Cnstructed by Fonocrates, and hi such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day .... 4& XXIY. How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather ... 53 ® XXV. How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's coun- try, whereupon were waged great wars ... - £4 XXVI. How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole, their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua, unexpectedly and on a sudden . ... 36 XXVII. How a monk of Sevile saved the close of the Abbey from being ravaged by the enemy 58 XXVIII. How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war .61 XXIX. The tenor of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua 63 XXX. How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole • . • • 64 sXXXI. The speech mado by Gallet to Picrochole 65 \ XXXII. How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored ..... ..67 XXXIII. How some ministers of Picrochole, by hair-brained counsel, put him in extreme danger 69 XXXIV. How Gargantua left the city of Paris, to succour his country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy 74 XXXV. How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet, and others of Picrochole's men * - 73 X XXVI. How Gargantua demolished the castle al the Ford of Vede, and how they passed the ford 7 « v -XXXVII. How Gargantua, in combing his head, made great cannon-balls fall out of his hair -» XXXVIII. How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a sallad . . 78 i CONTENTS. ta CHAP. PiGB XXXIX. How the monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper 80 XL. Why monks are the outcasts of the world, and wherefore some have bigger noses than others 8s XLI. How the monk made Gaigantna sleep, and of his hours and breviaries 84 XLI1. How the monk encouraged his fellow champions, and how he hanged upon a tree 86 XLIII. How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were niiifc with by Gargantua, and how the monk slew Captain Drawforth, and then was taken prisoner by His enemies 87 XLIV. How the monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picro- cholo's forlorn hope was defeated . . .... 89 XLV. How the monk carried along with him the pilgrims, aud of the good words that Grangousier gave them ... 91 ^XLVL How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet "" his prisoner -93 ' ^XLVII. How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touche- faucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole 95 \XLVIII. How Gargantua set upon Picrochole, within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole 97 . XLIX. How Picrochole in his flight, fell into great misfortunes, X and what Gargantua did after the battle 99 L. Gargantua's speech to the vanquished 100 LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle 103 LII. How Gargantua caused to be built for the monk tho Abbey of Theleme 104. XJ.II. How the Abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed 105 LIV. The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme . . 107 XX. What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had .... 109 1/V I. How the men and women of the religious order ot Theleme were apparelled HI L VII. How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living ....• ''3 1.VIII. A prophetical riddle ......•••••- "4 CONTENTS. BOOK IL CRAP. »AG» The Author's Prologue to the Second Book «....> 18 I. Of the original and antiquity of the great Fan tagruel . • . ■ J > II. Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Panta- gruel 125 III. Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the de- cease of his wife Badebec > 2 7 IV. Of the infancy of Pantagruel 129 V. Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age . .13' VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limosin, who affected to speak in learned phrase '34 VII. How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St. Victor 136 VIII. How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua, and the copy of them 143 IX. How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime 146 X. How Pantagruel equitably decided a cause which was won- .-■ derfully intricate and obscure : whereby he was reputed to have a most admirable judgment 149 XI. How the lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel, without advocates 153 XII. How the lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel . . .156 XIII. How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords 159 XXV. How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks 161 XV. How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the walls of Paris 165 XVI. Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge 168 XVII. How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women : and of the suit in law which he had in Paris . .173 XVIII. How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge . . . .173 XIX How Panurge puts to a non-plus the Englishman that argued by sighs ,jg XX. How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge 183 CONTENTS. n XXI. How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris . . .183 XXII. How Panurge served the Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well 186 XXIII. How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing the news that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of the Amaurota : and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in France j 8f> XXIV. A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris ; together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring - i8g XXV. How Panurge, Carpalim, Eusthenes, and Epistemon (the gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel) vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horse- men very cunningly 19s XXVT. How Pantagruel and his company were weary of eating salt meats ; and how Carpalim went a hunting to have some venison ig» XXVII. How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of tho hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs [fizzles] little women : and how Panurge broke a great staff over two glasses . 196 XXVIII. How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes, and the giants 198 XXIX. How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free stone, and Loupgarou their captain . 203 XXX. How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge; and of the news which he brought from the devils, and damned people in hell .... 305 XXXI. How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Fauurge married king Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier of greeu- sauce 211 XXXII. How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author saw in his mouth 313 - XXXIII. How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered .... 2itj XXXIV. The conciliator of this present book, and the excuse of the author ............. .11'. xfl CONTENTS. BOOK III. ssap. Tka* The Author's Prologue to the Third Book . . • • • • 220 I. How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsodie "J II. How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygondin in Dip- sodie, and did waste his revenue before it came in . . 23° III. How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers . . . 233 IV. Panurge continueth his discourse in praise of borrowers and lenders 237 V. How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and bor- rowers 240 VI. Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars 341 VII. How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forebcre to wear any longer his magnificent codpiece 244 VIII. Why the codpiece is held to be the chief (or rather first) piece of armour amongst warriors 246 IX. How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should inairy, yea, or no 249 X. How Pantagruel represented unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in the matter of marriage ; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homeric and Vir- giiian lotteries .••■••••..••.. 255 XI. How Pantagruel sheweth the trial of one's fortune by tbo throwing of dice to be unlawful "; . 255 XII. How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage . . . 256 XIII. How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams 26a XIV. Pan urge's dream, with the interpretation thereof . . . . 265 XV. Panurge' s excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered beef 269 XVI. How Pantagruel advised Panurge to consult with the syliil of Panzoust . . . 17a XVII. How Panurge spoke to the sybil of Panzoust ..... 175 XVIII. How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the sybil of Fanzoust 278 XIX. How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men . . . 1S1 CONTENTS. xiii CHAP. rA GK XX. How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge , . 185 XXI. How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis 389 X XII. How Panurge patrooinates and defendeth the order of the begging friars 391 XXIII. How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Ramina- grobis 294 XXIV. How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon ..... 298 XXV. How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa ..... 301 XSjVI. How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the funnels 305 XXVII. How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge 309 XXVIII. How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry 311 XXIX. How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, phy- sician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was 318 XXX. How the theologue, Hippothadeus, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of bis nuptial enterprize 32a XXXI. How the physician Koiidibilia counselleth Panurge . .323 XXXII. How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances of marriage ........328 XXXIII. Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry ..... 331 XXXIV. How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited 334 XXXV. How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage 337 XXXVI. A continuation of the answers of the ephectic and Hyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan 339 XXXVII. How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool 344 XXXVTU. How Triboulet is set fourth and blazoned by Pantagruel and Panurge 347 XXXIX. How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridle- goose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice 350 XL. How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked over those law-papers which ho decided by the chance of the dice 353 rtv CONTENTS. en.F. " 8 « XLI. How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law 35** XLII. How suits of law are bred at first, and iow they come afterwards to their perfect growth 359 X LI II. How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at.law by the chance of the dice . 303 XLIV. How Pantagruel related a strange history of the per- plexity of human judgment. . . . 3™ XLV. How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet 3% XLVI. How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Tribuulet 37' XL VII. How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the holy bottle 373 XLVIII. How Gargantua sheweth that children ought not to marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers 375 XLIX. How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea ; and of the herb named Pantagruelion .... 380 L. How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought 383 LI. Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof 386 IiII. How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature, that the tire is not able to consume it ...... 391 BOOK IV. The Author's Prologue to the Fourth Book . . . .395 I. How Pantagruel went to sea, to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the holy bottle 409 U. How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of MedaiGoUiy ..^11 III. How Pantagruel received a letter from hits lather Gar- gantua, and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant places ji IV. How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him several curiosities ^ !< V. How Pantagruel met a. ship with passengers le'uruin ■ from Lanlenikuid • •••••••. ..,.i] CONTENTS. xv OHAP PAGB VI. How the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep 419 VII. Which if you read, you will find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong 420 VIII. How Panurge caused Dingdong and his Bheep to be drowned in the sea 423 IX. How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that country . . . 424 X. How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw king St. Panigon 426 XI. Why monks love to be in kitchens 428 XII. How Pantagruel passed through the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way of living among the catchpoles . 430 XIIT. How, like master Francis Villon, the lord of Basuhe' com- mended his servants 431 XIV. A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house 435 XV. How the ancient custom at nuptials is .renewed by the catchpole 437 XVI. How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catch- poles 439 XVII. How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu ; and of the strange death of Widenostrils, the swallower of windmills 441 XVIII. How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea .... 443 XIX. What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm 445 XX How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of weather 447 XXI. A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of making testaments at sea ■* . , 449 XXII. An end of the storm 45c XXIII. How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over 45» XXIV. How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason, during the storm 454 XXV. How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the island of the Macreons 455 XX.VL How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the heroes ....... 45] arf CONTENTS. CHAP. »61 XXVII, Pantagruel' s discourse of the decease of heroic souls ; and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death of the late lord de Langey ....,.■■ 45" XXVIII. How Pantagrul related a very sad story of the death of the heroes 400 XXIX. How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned 462 XXX. How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xeno- manes 463 XXXI. Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized ...... 465 XXXII. A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance, postures, and way of behaving 467 XXXIII. How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physetere, or whirlpool, near the Wild Island 469 XXXIV. How the monstrous physetere was slain by Pantagruel . 470 XXXV. How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings 471 XXXVI. How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscade for Panta- gruel 474 XXXVII. How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maulchitterling, and Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing, about the names of places and persons . 475 XXXVIII. How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men . . . 478 XXXIX. How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitter- 1!n gs 479 XL. How Friar John fitted up the sow ; and of the valiant cooks that went into it 480 XLI. How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees . . 482 XLII. How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, queen of the Chitterlings 484 XLIII. How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach ... 485 XLIV. How a small rain lays a high wind ....... 487 XLY. How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-fi>- land ... - °. 4 8o, XL VI. How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope- figland 49 , XLVIL-How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope- fig'and + gj XXVIII. How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany . 405 CONTENTS. x,ii CHAF. PAGB XLJX. How Homenas, bishop of Papimany, shewed us the Uranopet decretals . . 40J L. How Hotnenas shewed us the arch-type, or representation of a pope 499 LI. Table-talk in praise of the decretals 500 LII. A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals . , 502 LIU. How, by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilly drawn out of Fiance to Borne 505 LIV. How Hoinems gave Pantagruel some bon-christian pears . 508 LV. How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words jog LVI. How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones jll LVH. How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of arts in the world 511 LVIII. How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrvmythes and the Gastrolaters . . 515 LIX. Of the ridiculous statue Manduce ; and how, and what the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god . . 516 LX. What the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their god on interlarded fish-days 518 LXI. How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn . . 520 LXII. How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon balls 522 LXIII. How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked 524 LXIV. How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems ... 526 LXV. How Pantagruel past the time with his servants . . . . 529 LXVI. How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of Ganabim 531 LXVII, How Pauurpe bewrayed himself for fe;w and 01" the huge cat Kodilardus, which be took for a puny devil . 5 jj *»ffi CONTENTS. BOOK V. TOAP. »»<** The Author's Prologue to the Fifth Book 53* I. How Pantagruel arrived at the Pinging Island, and of the noise that we heard 54' II. How the Kinging Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become birds 543 III. How there is but one popehawk in the Pinging Island . . 544 IV. How the birds of the Pinging Island were all passengeia • 545 V. Of the dumb knighthawks of the Pinging Island . • . .547, VI. How the birds are crammed in the Pinging Island . . . 549 VII. How Panurge related to Master J& iituus the fable of the horse and the ass . 550 VIII. How with much ado we got a sight of the popehawk ... 554 IX. How we arrived at the Island of Tools 5 j6 X. How Pantagruel arrived at the Island of Sharping (or Gaming) 557 XI. How we passed through the wicket, inhabited by Gripe- lnen-all, Arch-duke ofthe furred Lnw-cats 559 XII. How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us . . . . .561 XIII. How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle 563 XIV. How the furred law-cats live on corruption ...... 565 XV. How Friar John talks of rooting out the furred law-cats . . 566 XVI. How Pantagruel came to the Island of the Apedefts, or Ignoramus's, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there 560 XVII. How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have ' been killed 57. XVIII. How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved bv some people that were subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la quinte) »». XIX. How we arrived at the (queendom of Whims, or) king loin of Quintessence, called Eltelechy e^g XX. How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song .... c8c XXI. How the queen passed her time after dinner • « . . , cg» CONTENTS. »is CHAP. TAGB XXII. TTow Queen Whim's officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us among her abstractors . . . 584 XXIII. How the queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating 586 XXIV. How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims was present 588 XXV. How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought .... 590 XXVI. How we came to the Island of Odes, where the ways go up and down 594 XXVII. How we came to the Island of Sandals ; and of the Order of Semiquaver Friars . 595 XXVIII. How Panurge asked a semiquaver friar many questions, and was only answered in monosyllables 599 XXTX. How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent ... 606 XXX. How we came to the land of Satin 608 XXXI. How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching 612 XXXII. How we came in sight of Lautern-land 614 XXXIII. How we landed at the port of the Lyebnobii, and came to Lantern-land 615 XXXIV. How we arrived at the oracle of the bottle 616 XXXV. How we went under-ground to come 10 the Temple of the Holy Bottle ; and how Chinon 13 the oldest city in the world 618 XXXVI. How we went down the tedratic steps, and of Pauarge's fear 619 XXXVII. How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of l hem -fives 621 XXXVTII. Of the temple's admirable pavement 622 XXXIX. How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work 623 XL. How the ba'tle, in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians, was represented in mo-aic work . . . 625 XLI. How the temple was iliumina ed with a wonderful lamp 627 XLII. How the Priestess Bacbuc shewed us a fantastic fountain in the temple; and how the fountain -water hail the taste of wine, according to the imagination of those who drank of it. • 628 k CONTENTS. CHAP. PAOI XLIII. How the Priestess Bacbuc equipt Panurge, in order to hate . the word of the bottle 631 XLIV. How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the holy bottle 634 XLV. How Bacbuc explained the word of the goddess bottle . . 635 XLVI. now Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury . . . 63J XL VII. How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the oracle of the holy bottlt 635 The inestimable Life of the Great Gargantua, Father of Pantagruel, heretofore composed by an Abstractor of the Quint- Essence, a Book full of Pantagruelism. TO THE HEADERS. Amys, Lecteurs, &c. KIND readers, who vouchsafe to cast an eye On what ensues, lay all prevention by. Let not my book your indignation raise : It means no harm, no poison it conveys. Except in point of laughing, it is true, 'Twont teach you much : It being all my view To inspire with mirth the hearts of those that mo;in, And change to laughter the afflictive groan : For laughter is man's property alone. xxi .1 'I THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE TO THE FIRST BOOK. TV4" OST noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious ■1-V1 pockifled blades (for to you and none else do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades, in that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled, " The Banquet," whilst he was setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster, Socrates (without all question the prince of philoso- phers), amongst other discourses to that purpose said, that he resembled the Sileni. Sileni of old were little boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on the out- side with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other euch like counterfeited pictures, at pleasure, to excite people unto laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster father of good Bacchus, was wont to do ; but within those capricious caskets called Sileni, were carefully preserved and kept many rich and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergreese, amamon, musk, civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great price. Jast such another thing was Socrates : for to have eyed his out- side, and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his gesture. He had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and countenance of a fool ; he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merry, carousing to every one, with continual jibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his divine knowledge. But opening this box, you would have found within it a heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable virtue, matchless learning, invincible 4 THE A UTEOR'S PROLOGUE courage, inimitable sobriety, certain contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible disregard of all that for -which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil and turmoil themselves. Whereunto (think ye 1) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend ; for so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot, the Dignity of Cod-pieces, of Pease and Bacon, with a Commentary, &c, are too ready to judge, that there is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and recreative lyes ; because the outside (which is the Title) is usually, without any farther enquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision. But, truly, it is very un- beseeming to make so slight account of the works of men, seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk ; many being monasterialiy accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal ; and that there are of those that wear Spanish cloaks, who have but little of the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore is it, that you must open the book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it, then shall you find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did promise ; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish, as by the title, at the first sight, it would appear to be. And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with matters that are light and ludicrous, and suitable enough to their inscrip- tions; yet must not you stop there, as at the melody of the charming syrens ; but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense, which, possibly, you might think was spoken in the jollity of heart. Did you ever pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it ] Tell me truly, and if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had : or, did you ever see a dog with a marrow-bone in his mouth (the beast of all others, says Plato, lib. 2, de Eepublica, the most philosophical ?) If you have seen him, you might have remarked with what caution and cir- cumspectness he wards and watcheth it ; with what care he keeps it ; how fervently he holds it ; how prudently he gobbets it ; with what affection he breaks it ; and with what diligence he sucks it. To what end all this? what moveth him to take all these pains Jf what are the hopes of his labour ? what doth he expect to reap thereby ? nothing but a little marrow. True it is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow, as Galen testifieth, 3. facul^ TO TBE FIRST BOOK 5 nat. et 11 de um pratium, is a nourishment most perfectly ela- boured by nature. In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel, and have in estimation, these fair, goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, that seem easy and superficial, but are not so readily fathomed ; and then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the substantial marrow ; that is, my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by these Pythagorical symbols ; with assured hope, that in so doing, you will at last attain to be both very wise and very brave ; for, in the perusal of this treatise, you shall find another kind of taste, and a doctrine of a more pro- found and abstruse consideration, which will disclose unto you the most glorious doctrine and dreadful mysteries, as well in what concerneth our religion, as matters of the public state, and life economical. Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was couching his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those Allegories, which Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus, squeezed out of him, and which Politian filched again from them. If that is your faith, you shall never be of my church ; who hold that those mysteries were as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel Sacraments were by Ovid, in his Metamorphosis ; though a certain Gulligut Friar, and true Bacon-eater, would havo undertaken to prove it, if, perhaps, he had met with as very fools as himself, and, as the proverb says, "a lid worthy of such a kettle." If you give any credit to him, why are you not as kind to these jovial new Chronicles of mine ? albeit, when I did dictate them, I thought thereof no more than you, who possibly are drinking (the whilst) as I was : for, in the composing of this masterly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any other time, than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking. And, indeed, that is the fittest and most proper hour, wherein to write these high matters and deep sciences, as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues, and Ennius, the father of the Latin Poets (as Horace calls him) although a certain sneaking jobbernol objected that his verses savoured more of the wine than of the oil. , A certain addle-headed coxcomb saiththe same of my books ; but A turd for him. The fragrant odour of the wine ; oh 1 how much 6 THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE TO THE FIRST BOOK. more sparkling, warming, charming, celestial, and delicious it 1% than of oil ! and I -will glory as much when it is said of me, that 1 have spent more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his expense on oil was greater than on wine. I truly held it for an honour to be called and reputed a good fellow, a pjteasant companion, or Merry- Andrew, for under this, name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists. It was upbraided to Demosthenes, by an envious, surly knave, that his Orations did smell like the sarpler, or clout, that had stopped a musty oil vessel. Therefore, I pray, interpret you all my deeds and sayings, in the perf ectest sense ; reverence the cheese-lika brain that feeds you with all these jolly maggots, and do what lies in you to keep me always merry. Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully read the rest, with all the ease of your body and comfort to your reins. But, hearken, Jol theads, 0, Dickens take ye, off with your bumper, I will do you reason pull away, Supernaculum. FRANCOIS RABELAIS. THE FIRST BOOK OF RABELAIS, TREATING OF THE INESTIMABLE LIFE OF THE GREAT GARGANTUA. CHAPTER I. OF THE GENEALOGY AND ANTIQUITY OF GARGANTUA. I MUST refer you to the great Chronicle of Fantagruel, for the knowledge of that genealogy and antiquity of race, by which Gargantua is descended unto us : iu it you may understand more at large, how_ the giants were born in this world, and how from them, by a direct line, issued Gargantua, the father of FantagrueL And do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more it would please your worships : according to the authority of Plato, in Philebo and Gorgias, and of Flaccus,* who says, " That there is some kind of matters (such as these are, without doubt) which, tihefrequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable. Would to God every one had as certain knowledge of his genea- logy since the time of the ark of Noah, until this age. I think many are at this day emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes, on the earth, whose extraction is from some porters and pardon- pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable mumpers, who are descended of the blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned (as I conceive it) by the revolution of kingdoms and empires, . From the Assyrians to the Medes ; From the Medes to the Persians ; From the Persians to the Macedonians; * Hibc placuit semel, bsea decies repetita placebit. — Hitt. Art. Post, 8 TBE WORKS [Book I. From the Macedonians to the Eomans j From the Eomans to the Greeks; From the Greeks to the Franks. And to give you some hints concerning myself, who speak unto you ; I cannot think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former times ; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a king, and to be rich, than I have ; and to the end only, that I may make good cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my friends, and all honest and learned men : but herein do I comfort myself, that in the othei world I shall be all this : yea, and greater too than at this_ present I dare wish : As for you, with the same or a better conceit, enjoy yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by it. But to our matter again ;* I say, that by the especial care of Heaven, the antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use, more full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean not to speak ; for it belongs not unto my province ; and the devils (that is to say) the false accusers, and hypocritical church vermin, would be upon my jacket This genealogy was found by John Andeau in a meadow, which he had near the pole-arch, under the Olive tree, as you go to Narsoy. Where, as they were casting up some ditches, the diggers, with their mattocks, struck against a great brazen tomb, unmeasurably . long, for they could never find the end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of Vienne. Opening this tomb, in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Hetrurian Letters HIG BIBITOR, they found nine flaggons set in such order as they use to rank their skittles in Gascony ; of which that which was placed in the middle, had under it a big, greasy, great, grey, jolly, small, mouldy little pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better than roses. In that book, the said genealogy was found written all at length, in a Chancery hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm tree ; yet so worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together be there perfectly discerned. I, though unworthy, was sent for thither, and with much help of those spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teaches it ; did translate the book, as you may see in your Pantagruelising, that is to' say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart's desire ; and reading the dreadful and horrific acta * But to our matter again."] It isin the French, a noz Moutons : strictly to our mutton again ; a proverb taken from the old French pky of Patelin ■where a woollen draper is brought in, who, pleading against his shepherd, concerning some sheep the shepherd had stole from him, would ever and anon digress from the point, to speak of a piece of cloth which his antagonist's attorney had likewise robbed him of, which made the judge call out to the draper, and bid him return to hit muttons. Rabelais dissecting society and writing his book Chap. II.] OF RABELAIS. g of PantagrucL At the end of the book there was a little treatise, intituled " The Antidoted Conundrums." The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other wicked vermin had nibbled off the beginning ; the rest I have hereto subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity. CHAPTER II. THE ANTIDOTED CONUNDRUMS, FOUND IN AN ANCIENT MONUMENT. The Cymbrians overcomer Pass thr the air, to shunfne'dew of summer; At his coming great tubs were fill'd, -Fresh butter down in showers distill'd. His grandam overwhelm'd j so hey Aloud he cried, His whiskers all bewray'd, to make him madder, So bang'd the pitcher, till they rear'd the ladder, To lick his slippeT some told was much better, Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. In the meantime a crafty chuff approaches, From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches ; Who said, " Good sirs, some of them let us save : The eel is here, and in this hollow cave You'll find, if that our looks on it demur, A great waste in the bottom of his fur." To read this chapter when he did begin, Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein. " I feel," quoth he. " the mitre which doth hold My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold." Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd, To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, Provided that a new thill-horse they made Of every person of a hair-brain'd head. St. Patrick's Hole employ'd their wise discourse, And Elden Hole with twenty thousand worse. If any skill might bring them to a scar,. So as no cough reciprocate the air. Since every man unseemly did it find, To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind. For if. perhaps, they handsomely were clos'd, For pledges they to men might be expos'd In this arrest by Hercules the raven Was slain at his return from Lybia haven. 10 THE WORKS "Why am not I," said Minos, "there invited, Unless it be myself, not one's omitted. And then it is their mind I do no more Of frogs and oysters send them any store. In case they spare my life and prove but civil, / give tJieir sate of distaffs to the devil." To quell him comes Q. B. who limping freta At the safe pass of trixy Crackarets, The Boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those Did massacre, whilst each one wip'd his nose. Few Ingles in this fallow ground are bred, But on a tanner's mill are winnowed. Eun thither all of you. th' alarms sound clear, You shall have more than you had the last year. Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove Besolv'd to speak, though dismal it should prove, Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, They should o'erthrow quite, flat, down, dead th' empire, He rather chus'd the fire from heaven to steal, To boats where were red-herrings put to sale ; Than to be calm 'gainst those who strive to brave us, And to the Massorets fond words enslave us. All this at last concluded gallantly, In spite of At6 and her .Hem-like thigh, Who sitting saw Penthesilea ta'en, In her old age for a cr esse- setting quean. Each one cried out, " Thou filthy Collier toad, Doth it become thee to be found abroad! Thou hast the Eoman standard filtch'd away, Which they in rags of parchment did display." Juno was born, who under the rainbow Was a bird-catching with her duck below. When her with such a grievous trick they ply'dj That she had almost been transmogrified The bargain was that of that throat full she Should of Proserpina have two eggs free : And if that she thereafter should be found. She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two, He that of old did Carthage town undo : Did bravely midst them all himself advance, Requiring of them his inheritance. Although they justly made up the division, According to the s/ioe-welt-laws decision ; By distributing store of brews and beef To those poor fellows that did pen the brief, Chap III.] OF RABELAIS. The year will come, mark'd by a Turkish bow, Five spindles yarn'd, and three pot bottoms too? Wherein of a discourteous king the dock Shall pepper'd be, under an hermit's frock. Ah ! that for one she hypocrite you must Permit so many acres to be lost. Cease, cease, this visard may become another, Withdraw yourself unto the serpent's brother. The day is past ; so he that is shall reign, And his good friends all kindly entertain. No rash or heady prince shall domineer ; Peace and good-will must triumph everywhere : And all the solas, promised long ago To heaven's choice guests in mighty streams will flow. And every Garron, founder'd ne'er so long, Shall with the royal palfreys prance along. And this continue shall from time to time, Till Mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime. Then shall one come who others will surpass, Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, All trusty friends of mine ; for he's deceas'd, Who would not for a world return again, So highly shall time past be cried up then. He who was made of wax shall lodge each member Close by the hinges of a block of timber. We then no more shall master, master, whoot, The swagger who th' alarum bell holds out, Could one seize on the dagger which he bears, Heads would be free from tingling in the eara ; To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses ; And thsa farewell Apollo and the Muses. CHAPTER III. HOW GARGANTUA WAS CARRIED ELEVEN MONTHS IN HIS mother's BELLY. GE ANGOUSIER was a goodf ellow in his time, and notable jester ; he loved to drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would willingly eat salt meat: to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with gammons of bacon, both of West- phalia, Mayence, and Bayonne ; with store of dried neats' tongues 12 THE WORKS |Book1 plenty of links, chitterlings, and puddings in their season ; to- gether with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of Botargos, great provision, of sausages, not of Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigcrre, Longaulnay, Brene, and Kouargue. In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle, daughter to the king of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well mouthed wench. These .„ two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully *? rubbing their bacon against one another, in so far, that at last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the eleventh month, for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly ; especially when it is some master-piece of nature, and a person predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits, as Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a whole year after the conception ; that is, in the twelfth month ; for as Aulus Gellius saith, Lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of Neptune ; that in it the child might receive his form in perfection. For the like reason, Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last forty-eight hours ; a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of Hercules, who was to rid the world of its monsters, and its tyrants. My masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, havt confirmed that which 1 say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also maintained the legitimacy of the infant, born of a woman in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband See the laws mentioned below ;* by means whereof the widows may, without danger, play at the close-buttock game with might and main, and as hard as they can for the space of the first two months after the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the cod-piece-point, get up, and bring them to me ; ■ for if they happen within the third month to conceive, the child shall be heir to the deceased, and the mother shall pass for an honest woman. When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not, whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As Julia, the daughter of the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but when she found herself with child ; after the manner of snips that receive not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading. — And if any blame the * Hippocrates, lib. de Alimento. Plin. 1. 7, c. 5. Plautns in Cistellaria, Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed the Testament, alleging the authority of Aristotle on this occasion. Censorinus, lib. de die Natali. Arist. 1. 7 c. 3 & 4, de Natura Animaliura. Gellius, 1. 3, c. 16, Servius in Eel. upon that verse of Virgil, Matri longa decern, &c., and a thousand other fools. whose number has been increased by the lawyers ff. de suis & Legic. .. intes- tate, § fin. And in authen. de restitut. & ea quae pari t in 1 1 mense. More- over, upon these grounds have they foisted in their Kobidilardick law. G alius ff. de lib. & post & 1. septimn ff. de Stat, homin, &c. Cha*. IV.] OF RABELAIS. 13 women for that after pregnancy they still continue buxom, and push for more ; whereas any beast, a cow or mare will kick and flaunce, and admit no farther courtship from the bull or stallion : the answer will be, these are beasts and know no better : but the other are women,and understand the glorious right they have to: the pretty perquisite of a superfcetation, as Populia heretofore answered, according to the relation of Macrobius, Lib. 2. Saturnal. If the devil will not have them to bagge, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole. CHAPTER IV. HOW GARGAMELLE, BEING BIG WITH GARGANTUA, DID EAT A HUGE DEAL OF TRIPES. THE occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of her child, was thus : and if you do not believe it I wish your bum-gut may fall out. Her bum-gut indeed^ or fun- dament escaped her in an afternoon, on the 3rd day of February, with having eaten at dinner too many godebillios : godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros ; coiros are beeves fattened in the ox-stalls, and guimo meadows : guimo meadows are those that may be mowed twice a year ; of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide ; that in the entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their wine the better. They had abundance of tripes as you have heard, and they were so delicious that every one licked his fingers. But, as the devil would have it, there was no possibility of keeping them long sweet, and to let them stink was not so commendabls or hand- some ; it was therefore concluded, that they should be all of them gulched up, without any waste. To this effect they invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille", of the Eoche Clermaud, of Vaugau- dry, without omitting Coudray, Monpensier, the GuS de Vede, and other their neighbours ; all stiff drinkers, brave fallows, and good players at nine-pins. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything : nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, and that these tripes were no very commendable meat ; they would fain (said he) be at the chewing of ordure, who eat the bag that contained it. Not- withstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two bushels, thre? pecks, and a pipkin" full. What a filthy deal of loblolly was here, to swell and wamble in her guts 1 After dinner they all went tag-rag together to tho willow-grove, 14 TEE WORKS IBook I. where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant bag-pipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolic. CHAPTER V. HOW THEY CHIRPED OVER THEIR CUPS. THEN did they fall upon the chat of the afternoon's collation ; and forthwith began flaggons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great bowls to ting, glasses to ring, draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without water, so my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over, a cessation and truce with thirst. Ha ! thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone ? By my figgins, godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so currently as I would; you have catched a cold, Gammer ; yea forsooth, sir - } by the belly of Sanct Buff let us talk of our drink, I never drink but at my hours, like the pope's mule ; and I never drink but in my breviary,* like good father Gardian. Which was first, thirst or drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without being a thirst 1 nay, sir, it was drinking ; for privatic prcesupponit kabitum. I am learned you see, Foseundi calices gruem non fecere disertum t We poor innocentst drink but too much without thirst. Not I truly, who am a sinner, foal never drink without thirst, either present or future, to prevent iffias you know) I drink for the thirst to come ; I drink eternally, this is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of an eternity. Let us sing, let us drink, now for a catch, dust it away, where is my nogging? what, it seems I do not drink but by proxy. Do you wet your- selves to dry, or do you dry to wet you ? Pish, I understand not the rhetoric (theoric I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the practice.— Enough ; I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I drink, and alLforfear_of_jdying ; drink always and you shall never die. If I drink" not, I am aground, and lost. I am Btark dead without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs ; the soul never dwells in a dry place. O, you butlers, creators of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker : a perennity and everlastingness of sprinkling and be- v In my breviary.] The Mendicants invented certain flaggons made in the shape of breviaries. Thence theological wine, to drink theologically &c. t Innocents.] These are monks, who call the hood of their habit the biggin of innocence. But their words will bear an allusion to what is said of gome innocent people whs are tortured with water forced trtwn their throats to njaV.e them confess. Chap. V.] OF RABELAIS. ij dewing me through these my parched and sinewy bowels. He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it : this entereth into my veins, the pissing tool shall have none of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I reared this morning. I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach. If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well as I do, my creditors would have their hands full. Hold up your dagger-hand ; that hand of yours • spoils your nose. O how many other such will go in here before this go out ; what, drink at so shallow a ford 1 It is enough to break both girths and breast-leather. This is called a cup of dis- simulation. What difference is there between a bottle and a flaggon ? great difference : the bottle is stopped with a stopple, and Flaccon a vis. Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied their cans ; this is bien chie chanle, well cacked, well sung. Come, let us drink : will you send nothing to the river % Here is one going to wash the tripes. I drink no more than a sponge. I drink like • templar knight. And I tanquam sponsus. And I skut terra sine aqua. Give me a synonymon for a gammon of bacon ; it is the compulsory of drinkers ; it is a pully ; by a pully-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach. Ha, now boys_ hither; some drink, some drink ; there is no trouble in it. Bespice personam ; pone pro duo, bus non est in usu. If I could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very high in the air. Thus became Tom Toss-pot rich j thus went in the Taylor's stitch ; thus did Bacchus conquer India ; thus philo- sophy, Melinda. A little rain allays a great deal of wind ; long tippling breaks the thunder. But if there came such liquor from my buttock, would you not suck the udder? Here, page, fill, I prithee forget me not when it comes to my turn ; and I will enter the election I have made of thee into the very register of my heart. Sup, Simon ; pull away ; there- is somewhat in the pot. I appeal from thirst, and disclaim it jurisdiction. Page, sue out my appeal in form. This remnant in the bottom of the glass must follow its leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Make not such haste ; we must carry all along with us. Hey-day, here are tripes fit for our sport ; gpdebillios of the dun ox with the black streak. O, for God's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. Drink, or I will.* .... No, no, drink, I beseech you ; sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail ; nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. Lagonsedatera, there is not a cunniborow in all ray body, where this wine doth * Drink, or I will.'] This does not mean, drink or I will drink, as one would take it to mean by the full stop. In M. D. C.'s edition it is thus, Beurez, ouje vous .... Drink, or I will .... give ye a knock, suppose. It is a figure of speech called aposiopesis, when a person, through anger or earnestness, leaves out some word, or part of the sentence, and yet may be understood ; as in Virgil, Quos ego ... . sed motos prwstat componer* fiwctut. Where puniam, or muttabo, or the like, is to be understood. 1 6 TEE WORKS [Book I not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will bang it soiindly ; but thia shall banish it utterly. Let us make proclamation by the sound of flaggons and bottles, that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. Long spits are to be voided without doors. The great God made the planets, and we make the platters neat. I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The ston» called Asbestos, is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my paternity. Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston; but tho thirst goes away with drinking. I have a remedy against thirst quite contrary ^o that which is good against the biting of a mad dog : keep running after a dog and he will never bite you. ; drink always before the thirst, and it will never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred eyes for his sight ; a butler should have (like Briarius) a hundred hands where- with to fill us wine indefatigably. Ha, now lads, let us wet, it will be time to dry hereafter. White wine, here, wine boys, pour out all, per le diable, fill, I say, fill and fill till it be full. My tongue peels. Lans tringue : to thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good fellow. Comrade, to thee, lusty, lively, ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape ; I faith, pure Greek, Greek. O the fine white winej upon my conscience it is a kind of taffatas wine, him, him, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wciot Courage, comrade ; up thy heart, Billy : we will not be beasted at N this bout, for I have got one trick. Ex hoc in hoc. There is no enchantment nor charm there ; everyone of you hath seen it : my prenticeship is out; I am a free man at this trade.* I am an abbot. (Pshaw, I should say.) O, the drinkers, those that are a dry ; O, poor thirsty souls ! Good page, my friend, fill me here some, and crown the cup, I prithee, d, la cardinale ; natura ab- horret vacuum. Would you say that a fly could drink in this ? A la mode de Bretagne. — Clear off neat, supernaculum, swill it over heartily, no deceit in a brimmer ; nectar and ambrosia. CHAPTER VI. HOW GARGANTUA WAS BORN iN A STRANGE MANNER. WHILST they were on this discourse, and pleasant tattle of drinking, Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts ; whereupon Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to * I am, a free man of this trade.] Je suis prStre mad, he would say, matlre passS, but his tongue tripped, being fuddled. As if any of us, in our cups, should say, The Chichop of Biohester loves beggs and aeon, instead ol The Bishop of Chichester loves eggs and bacon. *■ -> B «5 Chap. VI.] OF RABELAIS. 17 comfort her very honestly and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the grass, under the willows, because she was like very shortly to see young feet ; and that, therefore, it was convenient she should Eluck up her spirits, and take a good heart at the new coming of er baby ; saying to her withal, that although the pain was some- what grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance ; and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. " On with a sheepls courage," quoth he; "despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another." " Ha ! " said she, " so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are men : well, then, in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing you will have it so : but would to God that it were cut off from you." — "What ?" said Gran- gousier. " Ha ! " said she, " you are a good man indeed— you under- stand it well enough." "What, my member?" said he. "Udzookers, if it please you, that shall be done instantly ; bid 'em bring hither a knife." "Alas !" said she, " the Lordforbid; I pray Jesus to forgive me ; I did not say it from my heart : do it not any kind of harm, neither more nor less, for my speaking : but I am like to have work enough to-day, and all for your member ; yet God bless both you and it." " Courage, courage," said he ; " take you no care of the matter ; let the four foremost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if, in the meantime, anything befal you, I will be so near that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with you." A little while after, she began to groan, lament, and cry : then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who, groping her below, found some peloderies of a bad savour indeed : this they thought had been the child ; but it was her fundament that was slipped out with the mollification of her intestinum rectum, which you call the bum-gut; and' that merely by eating of too many tripes, as we have shewed you before. Whereupon an old, ugly trot in the company, who was reputed a notable physician, and was come from Brispaille, near to St. Gnou, threescore years before, made her so horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, whereby all her arse-pipes were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your teeth, which is a, terrible thing to think upon, seeing the devil at mass at St. Martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth he lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of two young mangy whores. _ The effect of this was, that the cotyledons of her matrix were all loosened above, through which the child sprung up and leaped, and so entering into the vena cava, did climb by the diaphragm even above her shoulders (where that vein divides itself into two), and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear. As soon as he was born, he cried, not as other babes u#to do, "mies, mies, mies;" but, with a high, sturdy, and big 1 8 THE WORKS [BookL voice, shouted aloud, " Drink, drink, drink," as inviting all the world to drink with him. The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the countries at once, of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me that you do not thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity. Though you believe it not, I care not much. But an honest man, and of good judgment, believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written. Is this beyond our law, or our faith? against reason or the Holy Scripture ? For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it ; but tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that He could not do it ? Grammercy ; I beseech you never dumbfound or embarrass your heads with these idle conceits : fori ■ tell you, nothing is impossible with God ; and, if He pleased, all women henceforth should bring forth their childrenatthe ear. Was not Bacchus engendered out of the very thigh of Jupiter ? Did not Boquetaillade come out at his mother's heel ? and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? "Was not Minerva born of the brain, even through the ear of Jove ? Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh- tree ? and Castor and Pollux, of the doupe of thafc egg which was laid and hatched by Leda? — But you would wonder more, and with far greater amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Pliny, wherein he treateth of strange births, and con- trary to nature ; and yet am not I so impudent a liar as he was. Bead the seventh book of his Natural History, chap. 3, and trouble not my head any more about this. CHAPTER VII. AFTER WHAT MANNER GARGANTUA HAD HIS NAME GIVEN HIM J AND HOW HE TIPPLED, BIBBED,* AND CURRIED THE CAN. THE. good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the. light of this world, when he cried out, " Drink, drink, drink ;" whereupon he said in French, " Que grand tu as gudday Sir, gudday & vobis, mymasters, it were but JTl reason that you should restore to us our bells : for we have great need of them. Hem, hem, aih fu hash, we have oftentimes heretofore refused good money for them of those of London iD 4 o THE WORKS [Book t Cahors, yea and of those of Bourdeaux in Brie, who would have bought them for the substantifick quality of the elementary com- plexion, which is intronisicated in the terrestreity of their quiddi- tative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon our vines; indeed not ours but these round about us. For if we lose the liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you restore them to us at my request, I shall gain by it six baskets full of sausages, and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob, Domine, a pair of breeches is good, & irir sapiens non abhorrebit earn. Ha, ha, a pair of breeches is not so easily got, I have experience of it myselfr Consider Domine, I have been these eighteen days in metagrabolising this brave speech. Beddite quce sunt Gcesaris Ccesari : & quas sunt Dei, Deo. Ibi jacet lepus. By my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in Camera, by Cox Body, charitatis nos faciemus bonum cherubinum ; ego occidit unum porcum & ego habet bonum vino : but of good wine we cannot make bad Latin. Well, De parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras. Hold, I give you in the name of the faculty, a ISermones de Uiino, that utinum you would give us our bells. Vvltis etiam pardonos t Per diem vos hdbebitis, & nihil payabitis. " O, Sir Domine, Bellagivaminor nobis ; verily est bonum urbis. They are useful to everybody. If they fit your mare well, so do they do our faculty , Qua! comparaia est jumentis insipientibus, & similis facta est eis, Psalmo nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my note-book; & est unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argu- ment, hem, hem, hem, haickhash; for I prove unto you that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor. Omnis bella (clocha) bellabilis in Bellerio bellando, bellans bellativo, bellare facit, bella- biliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas ; ergo glue. Ha, ha, ha, this is spoken to some purpose ; it is in Tertio 'Primes, in Darii, or else- where. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in arguing, but now I am much failed ; and henceforward want nothing but good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. " Hei Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii & Spiritus Sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells ; and God keep you from evil, and our lady from health ; Qui.vivit & regnat per omnia secula seculorum, Amen. Hem, hashchehJiawk sash qzrchremJiemhash [coughing;. Verum enim vero^quandoquidem, dubw procul, wdepol, qucniam, ith certe, meus Dens Filius : A town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals; therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals. A certain Latin- isator, dwelling near the hospital, said once, producing the authority of one Taponus, I lye, it was Pontanus the secular poet, who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper Ohap. XX.] OF RABELAIS. 4 , a fox-tail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his brain, when he was about the composing of hia carmini-formal lines : But Nac petetir, petetac, tic, torche Lorgne, more the deponent saith not. He was declared an heretic. We make them as of wax. Valete & plaudite, Calepinus recensui." CHAPTER XX. HOW THE SOPHISTER CARRIED AWAY HIS CLOTH, AND HOW HE HAD A SUIT IN LAW AGAINST THE OTHER MASTERS. THE sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eude- mon burst out a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up the ghost, even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles ; and as Philemon, who, seeing an ass eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing. Together with them Master Janotus fell a laughing too as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long that their eyes did water by the vehement con- cussion of the substance of the brain, by which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the optic nerves ; and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitidng, and Hera- clitus Democritising. When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his retinue what should be done. There Ponocrates was of opinion, that they should make this fair orator drink again, and seeing he had shewed them more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural fool could have done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his jolly harangue, with a pair of breeches, three hundred great billets for the fire, five and twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down bed, and a deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. All this was done as they did appoint ; only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingal fashion, wherein is a spunge-hole with a draw-bridge, for the more easy caguing ; or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and comfort of his kidneys ; or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the belly-tabret ; or round breeches with straight cannions, having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail ; all which considered, for fear of over-heating his reins, he caused to be given him seven ells of white cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of arts carried the sausages and the dishes (dish), and Master Janotus himself would carry the cloth. One of the said masters (called Jousse Bandouille) 42 THE WORKS [BookL shewed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his degree and quality to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them. " Ha," said Janotus, " blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo dsfigura ; for lo, to this end serve the Supposi- tions & Parva Logicalia. Pannus pro quo supponit 1 " " ConfusS," said Bandouville, " & distributive." "Ido not askthee," said Janotus, " blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo i It is blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, sicut suppositum portat appositum ■" so did he carry it away very close, as Patelin did his cloth. The best was, that when this cougher, in a full assembly held at the Mathurins, had with great confidence de- manded his breeches and sausages, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the informa- tions thereupon taken ; he shewed them that this was gratis, and out of pure liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him, that he should be content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe (boon) there. "Keason?" said Janotus, "we use none of that V here; unlucky traitors, you are not worth the hanging ; the earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are ; I know it well enough ; halt not before cripples ; I have practised wickedness with you : By God's rattle I will inform the king of the enormous abuses that are forged here, and carried under hand by you, and let me be a leper if he do not burn you alive like bougres, traitors, heretics, and seducers, enemies to God and virtue." j Upon these words they framed articles against him ; he on the I other side cited them to appear. In sum, the process was retained ! by the court, and there it is yet depending. Hereupon the magisters made a vow, never to rub off the dirt from either shoes or clothes ; and Master Janotus, with his adherents, vowed never to blow their noses, until judgment was given by a definitive sentence. By Teason of those vows, both parties continue dirty and snotty to this day ; for the court hath not yet fully looked into all the proceedings ; so that the judgment is not like to be declared till latter Lammas ; that is to say, never. So you find that they do more than Nature, and contrary to their own articles. The .Articles of Paris maintain, that to God alone belongs infinity ; and Nature produceth nothing that is immortal, for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, according to the saying, Omnia, orta cadunt, &c. But these thick-mist swalhwers make the suits in law, depending upon them, both infinite and immortal ; in doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated at Delphos : That misery goes along with law-suits, and suitors are miserable ; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than to the filial decision of their pretended rights. Chap. XXL] OF RABELAIS. 43 CHAPTER XXL THE STUDY OF GARGANTUA, ACCORDING TO THE DISCIPLINE OF HIS SCHOOLMASTERS THE SOPHISTERS. THE first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere. I think she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion ef Ponocrates ; who first of all appointed that he should do as he was accustomed, to the end it might be understood by what means, in so long time, his old masters had made him such a sot and puppy. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight or nine o'clock, whether it Was day or night (for so had his ancient governors ordained), al- leging that which David saith ; Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the season ; but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, furred with fox skins. Afterwards he combed his head with a comb de aPmain, which ia the four fingers and the thumb, for his preceptors had said that to comb himself otherways, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in this world. Then he dunged, pissed, spued, belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, hawked, sneezed, and snotted himself like an archdeacon :* and, to fortify against the fog and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, good gammons of bacon, store of good minced meat, and a great deal of sippet-brewis, made up of the fat of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed together. Ponocrates shewed him, that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. Gargantua answered, " What ! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself % I have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed, before I rose ; is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so,t by the advice of a Jew his physician, and lived * Snotted himself, THE WORKS [Book I. At the horn. At the flower over shrovetide ox. At the madge-owlet. At pinch without laughing. At prickle me tickle me. At the unshoeing of the ass. At the cocksess. At hari hohi. At -I set me down. At earle beardie. At the old mode. At draw the spit. At put out. At gossip lend me your sack. At ramcod balL At thrust out the harlot At marfeil figs. At nicknamrie. At stick and hole. At boke or him, or flaying the fox. At the branching it. At trill madam, or grapple my lady. At the cat selling. At blow the coaL At the re-wedding. At the quick and dead judge. At unoven the iron. At the false clown. At the flints or at the nine stones. At to the cruch hulchback. At the sanct is found. At hinch, pinch, and laugh not. At the leek. At bumdockdousse. At the loosegig. At the hoop. At the sow. At belly to belly. At the dales or straths. At the twigs. At the quoits. At I'm for that. At tilt at Weekie. At nine pins. At the cock grdntim. At tip and hurle. At the flat bowls. At the veere and touro. At rogue and ruffian. At bumbatch touch. At the mysterious trough. At the short bowls. At the dapple gray. At cock and crank it. At break pot. At my desire. At twirly whirlytril At the rush bundles. At -the short staff. At the whirling gigge. At hide and seek, or are you all hid. At the picket. At the blank. At the care sin. At the pilferers. At prison bars. At have at the nuts. At cherry pit. At rub and rice. At whip top. At the casting top. At the hobgobling At the wonderful. At sollile smutchy. At the fast and loose. At sutch-breech. At the broom-beesom. At St. Cosme I come to adore thee. At the lusty brown boy. At I take you napping. At fair and. softly passeth Lent. At the forked oak. At truss. At the wolf's tail. At bum to buss or nose hi breech. At Goerdy give me my lance. At swagay, waggy, or shoggy- shou. At stook and rook, shear and threave. At the birch. On j XXII.] OF RABELAIS. 47 At the musse. At the dilly dilly darling. At ox moudy. At purpose in purpose. At nine less. At blind-man buffi At the fallen bridges. At bridle nick At the white at buts. At thwack swinge him. At apple, pear, plum. At mumgi. At the toad. At cricket. At the pounding stick. At jack and the box. At the queens At the trades. At heads and points. At the vine-tree hug. At black be thy fall. At ho the distaff. At Joane Tomson. At the boulting cloth. At the oats seed. At greedy glutton. At the moorish dance. At Feeby. At the whole frisk and gambole. At battabum, or riding of the wild mare. At Hind the plowman. At the good mawkin. At the dead beast. At climb the ladder Billy. At the dying hog. At the salt doup. At the pretty pigeon. At barley break. At the bavin e. At the bush leap. At crossing. At the hardit arsepursy. At the harrowers' nest. At forward hey. At the fig. At gunshot crack. At mustard peeL At the Gome. At the relapse. At jog breech or prickle him forward. At knock-pate. At the Cornish chough. At the crane dance. At slash and cut. At bobbing, or the flirt on the nose. At the larks. At Slipping. After he had thus well played, shuffled, clogged, and thrown away his time, it was thought fit to drink a little, and that was evdry man eleven bumpers ; and afterwards make much of himself, and stretch upon a fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep for two or three hours together, without thinking or speaking any liuit: After he was awakened, he would shake his ears a little, and then they brought him fresh wine, and he drank better than ever. Ponocrates shewed him, that it was an ill diet to drink after sleeping. " It is," answered Gargantua, " the very life of the Patriarchs and holy Fathers. For naturally I sleep : Salt and Bleep to me is so many gammons." Then began he to study a little, and out came the patenotres ; vrbicb. the more formally to despatch, he got upon an old mule, which had served nine kings; and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding and doddling his head, would go and see a coney ferreted or caught in a grinne. At his return he went into the kitchen, to know what roast meat was on the spit, and supped very well, upon 48 . THE WORKS (Book L my conscience ; and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers, with whom, carousing merrily, they told stories of all sorts, from the old to the new. Among others, he had for domestics the Lord of Fouille, of Grouville, of Griviot, and of Marigny. After supper, were brought into the room, the fair wooden gospels, and the books of the four kings ; that is to say, the tables and cards, with a deal of cock-alls, mumhlety-pegs, and wheels of fortune ; or else they went to see the wenches there- abouts with their wakes, their junketings, and little collations ; then to sleep without control till eight o'clock the next morning. CHAPTER XXIII. HOW GARGANTUA WAS INSTRUCTED BY PONOCRATES, AND IN SUCH SORT DISCIPLINATED, THAT HE LOST NOT ONE HOUR OF THE DAY. WHEN Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to bring him up in another guise way ; but for a while bore with him, considering that Nature cannot endure a sudden change without great violence. Therefore, to begin his work the better he requested a learned physician of that time, called Master Theodore, seriously to perpend, if it were possible, how to bring Gargantua unto a better course ; the said physician purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all that foulness and perverse habit of his brain. By this means, also, Ponocrates made him forget all thai he had learned under his ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his scholars who had been instructed under other musicians : to do this the better they brought him into the company of learned men, which stirred in him an emulation and desire to whet his wit and improve his parts, and to bend his study another way ; so as that the world might have a value for him. And afterwards he put himself into such a road, that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in learning and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked about four o'clock in the morning. Whilst they were in rubbing oi : him, there was read unto him some chapter of the Holy Scrip- ture aloud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the matter : and hereunto was appointed a young page, born in Basch6, named Anagnostes. According to the purpose and argument of that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, whose word did shew his majesty and marvellous judgment. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions ; there his master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the " He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air." Chap. XX1I1.] OF RABELAIS. 49 most obscure and difficult points. In returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it were such as they had observed it the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also tho moon for that day. This done he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before; he himself said, them by heart, and upon tbem would ground some practical cases concerning the' estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was fully cloathed. Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him : this done, they went forth, still conferring on the substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the University, called the Brack, or unto the meadows, where they played at the ball, tennis, and at the pelitrigone, most gallantly exercising their bodies, as before they had done their minds : all their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherwise weary. Then were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and walking soberly, went to see if dinner was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture. In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down at table. At the beginning of the meal, there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass of wine. Then (if they thought good) they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together • speaking first of the virtue, propriety, efficacy, arid nature of all that was served in at the table : of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dressing ; by means whereof he learned, in a little time, all the passages competent for this, that were to be found in Pliny, Athenseus, Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodorus, Aristotle, Elian, and others. Whilst they talked of these things many times, to be more certain they caused the very books to be brought to the table. And so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things above said, that in those days there was not a physician that knew half so much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the morning, and ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers ; washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some neat hymn, made in the praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks and new- inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards and dice ; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and practical part thereof, that Tunstal, the Englishman, who had written very largely to that purpose, con« 5° TEE WORKS [Book I. fessed that verily, in comparison of him, he understood no more. High Dutch. And not only in that, but in the other mathematical sciences, as geometry, astronomy, and music. For, in waiting on the concoc- tion, and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some mea- sure practise the astronomical canons. After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme or .ground at random, as it best pleased them ; in matter of musical instruments her learned to play upon the lute, the virginals, the harp, the all-man flute with nine holes, the viol, and the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge his body of natural excrements ; then betook himself to his principal study for three hours together or more, as well to repeat his morning lectures, as to proceed in the book he had in hand, as also to write handsomely, to draw and form the antique and Jloman letters. This being done they went abroad, and with them a young gentleman of Tourain, named the Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding. Changing then his cloaths, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish gennet, a barded, or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance ; for it is the greatest foolery in the world to say I have broken ten lances at tilt, or in fight ; a carpen- ter ganjio even as much; but it is a glorious and praiseworthy action, with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies : there- fore with\a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail coat and gauntlet ; all this he did in complete armour from head to foot. As for the prancing flourishes, and smacking poppisms, for the better cherishing of the horse commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The great vaulter of Ferrara was but an ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another, without putting foot to ground, and. these horses were called desultories ; he could likewise, from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure, without a bridle, for such things are useful in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battle-ax, which he so dexterously wielded both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management of that weapon, and that in aU the feats practiseable by it, that he passed knight of arms in the field, and at all essays. Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the back-sword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed or unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the hart, the roe-buck, the bear, the fallow Chap. XXIII.] p RABELAIS. SI deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. He played at the baloon, and made it bound in the air. both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped, not at three steps and a leap, nor at the hare s leap, nor yet at the almanes; "for" said Gymnast, "these ' jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use ;" but at one leap he would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window, of the full height of a lance. He did swim ie deep waters on his belly, on Ms back, sideways, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the Kiver Seine without wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Csesar ; then, with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulphs. Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream, stopped it in its course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrowds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bow-lines, and steered the helm. Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity, and swiftness ran down again ; he climbed up trees like a cat, and leaped from one to the other like a squirrel : he did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo ; then with two sharp, well steeled daggers, and two tried bodkins, would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house, like a rat ; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members, that by the fall he would catch no harm. He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear, or partisan, and the halbert ; lie broke the strongest bows in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest cross-bows of steel, took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed, and planted the cannon, shot at but- marks, at the papgay from below upwards, from above down- wards, then before him, sideways, and behind him, like the Par- thians. They tied a cable rope to the top of a high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself with his hands to the very top : then upon the same track came down so sturdily and firm, that they could not, on a plain meadow, have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole, fixed upon two trees, there would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would go back and fore along the aforesaid rope, with so great swiftness that hardly could one over- take him with running ; and then, to exercise his breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell : I heard him once call 52 THE WORKS [Bo*k I. Eudemon, from St. Victor's gate to Monmertre; Stentor had nevei such, a voice at the siege of Troy. Then, for the strengthening of his nerves or sinews, they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weighing eight thousand ' and seven hundred kintals, which they called alleres; those he took up from the ground, in each hand onej then lifted them up over his head, and held them without stirring, three quarters of an hour or more, which was an inimitable force. He fought at barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous champions ; and when it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself to the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont to do of old ; in whose imitation likewise he held a pomegranate in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. The time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other cloaths, he returned fair and softly, and passing through certain meadows, or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as Theophrast, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page, called Bhizotomos, had charge ; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing hooks, cabbies,_pruning knives, and other instruments requisite for garden- ing. Being come to their lodging whilst supper was making ready, they repeated certain passages of that which had been read, and then set down at table. Here remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but Ms supper was copious and large, for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him ; which, indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic ; although a rabble of logger-headed physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling shop of Sophisters, counsel the contrary. During that repast, was continued the lesson read at dinner, as long as they thought good ; the rest was spent in good discourse, learned and profitable. After they had given thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or Otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain, with cups and balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making themselves merry till it was time to go to bed ; and, on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote countries. When it was full night, before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house, to see' the face of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, opposition, and conjunctions, of both fixed stars and planets. Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen Chap. XXIV.] OF RABELAIS. 53 learned, done, and understood, in the whole course of that Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before nim and strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying turn tor his boundless bounty; and giving thanks to him for the time that was past, they recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future, which being done they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose. CHAPTER XXIV. HOW GARGANTUA SPENT HIS TIME IN RAINY WEATHER. IF it happened that the weather was anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all the forenoon was employed as before specified, ac- cording to custom, with this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted, to correct the distempers of the air ; but, after dinner, instead of their wonted exercitations, they did abide within, and by _ way of Apotherapie, did recreate themselves in bottling of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn at the barn. Then they studied the art of painting or carving, or brought into use the antique (ancient) play of Tables, as Leonicus has written of it ; and as our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing, they examined the passages of ancient authors, wherein the said play is mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, or the casting of great ordnance ; how the lapidaries did work, as also the goldsmiths, and cutters of precious stones : nor did they omit to visit the alchymists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers, watch-makers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, dyers, and other such kind of artificers, and everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did learn and consider the in- dustry and invention of the trade. They went also to hear the public lectures, the solemn com- mencements, the repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the lawyers, and sermons of evangelical preachers. He went through the halls and places appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at all weapons, and shewed them by experience, that he knew as much in it as (yea more than) they : and, instead of simpling, they visited the shops of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of ■ some foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them {i.e., all the said drugs). He went to see the jugglers, tumblers, mounte- : banks, and quack-salvers ; and considered their cunning, their shifts, their summersaults, and smooth tongue, especially of those 54 TEE WORKS |BookL of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and -will banter and lye as fast as a dog can trot. Being 'returned home, they did eat at supper more soberly than at other times ; and meats more desiccatwe and extenuating ; to the end, that the intemperate moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinity, miglit by this means be corrected; and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordi- nary bodily exercise. Thus was Gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of education from day to day profiting, as you understand such a young man of his age and good sense, so kept to his exercise, may well do ; which, although at the beginning seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king, than the study of a scholar. Nevertheless, Ponocrates, to divert him from this vehement inten- sion of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some fair and clear day, to go out in the city betimes in the morning, either towards Gentilly or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charenton- bridge, or to Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tum- bling in some fair meadow, unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails— and fishing for frogs and crabs. But, although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not spent without profit ; for, in the said meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant verses of Virgil's Agriculture, of Hesiod, and of Politian's Husbandry, would set abroach some witty Latin Epigrams, then immediately turned them into rounde- lays and songs in the French language. In their feasting, they would sometimes separate the water from the wine that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth de re rustica, and Pliny, with an ivy cup, would wash- the wine in a basoj^full of water, then take it out again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go from one glass'to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to say, moving of themselves. CHAPTER XXV. HOW THERE WAS GREAT STRIFE AND DEBATE RAISED BETWIXT THE CAKE-BAKERS OF LERNE, AND THOSE OF GARGANTUA'S COUNTRY, WHEREUPON WERE WAGED GREAT WARS. AT that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest, when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the starlings from eating up the grapes ; as som> Cmi>. XXV.-] OF RABELAIS. 55, cake-bakers of LernS happened to pass along the broad highway, driving unto the city ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously intreated them to give them some for tneir money, as the price then ruled in the market. For here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast hot tresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red grapes, muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the luskard, for those that are costive in their belly ; because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel ; and oftentimes thinking to let a squib, they did all-to- besquatter and conshite themselves, whereupon they are com- monly called the vintage thinlcers. The cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their request ; but which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, calling them prating gablers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lub- bardly louts, couseuing foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant varlets, drawlatch hoydons, flouting milk-sops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy - sneaksbies, fondling fips, base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, ^coffing braggards, noddy meacoeks, blockish grutnols, duddipol jolt heads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, slutch calf- lollies, grout-head gnatsnappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer flycatchers, noddipeak simpletons, turgy gut, shitten shepherds, and other such defamatory epithets, saying further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content them- ' selves with the coarse unraunged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf. To which provoking words, one amongst them called Forgier (an honest fellow of his person, and a notable springall) made ans§»er very calmly thus : " How long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud? Indeed, formerly, you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have some for our money? This is not the part of good neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make your cakes and buns. Besides that, we should have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and therefore remember it." Then Marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of' the cake- bakers, said unto him, "Yea, Sir, thou art pretty well crest-risen this * corning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and boly- mong , come hither, p'rrah, come hither, I will give thee some cakes." Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes ; but instead of cakes, he gave Lim with his whip such a rude lash over* 56 TBS WORKS [Book I. thwart his legs, that the marts remained ; then would have fled away, but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, " ! Murder, murder, help, help, help, help ■/' and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his head, upon the crotophic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from his mare, more like a dead than a living man. Meanwhile, the farmers and country swains that were watching their walnuts near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and throwing great stones at them, as thick as hail. At last, these overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes : Nevertheless, they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred eggs, and three baskets full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get Marquet mounted upon his mare again, who was most shrewdly wounded ; and forthwith they returned to Lern6, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Sevile and Sinays. Tins done, the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's leg some fair great, red, and medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up, that it was quickly cured. CHAPTER XXVI. HOW THE INHABITANTS OF LERNE, BY THE COMMANDMENT OF PICROCHOLE, THEIR KING, ASSAULTED THE SHEPHERDS OF GARGANTUA, UNEXPECTEDLY AND ON A SUDDEN. THE cake-beakers being returned to LernS, went presently before they either did eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there, before their king, called Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, shewing their paniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken away : but above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying, that all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, near the broad highway beyond SevilS. Chap. XXVI.] OF RABELAIS. 57 Picrochole incontinent grew angry and furious ; and, -without asking any farther, what, how, why or wherefore, commanded the Ban and Arrier Ban to be sounded throughout all his country, that all his vassalsof what condition soever, should upon pain of the halter, come in the best arms they could unto the great place before the castle, at the hour of noon ; and, the better to expedite his design, he caused the drum to beat about the town. Whilst his dinner was making ready, he went himself to see his artillery mounted upon the carriages, to display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains with store of ammunition both for the field and. for the belly, arms and victuals. At dinner he dispatched his commissions, and by his express edict my lord Shagrag was appointed to command the van guard, wherein were numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen harquebusiers, together with thirty thousand eleVen volunteers. The great Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen of brass, in cannons, double- cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards, falcons, passe- volans, spiroles, and other sort of great guns. The rear-guard was committed to the duke of Scrapegood. In the main battle was the king and the princes of his kingdom. Thus being hastily equipped, before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen under the conduct of captain Swill wind, to dis- cover the country, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them. But after they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all ; which Picrochole un- derstanding, commanded that every one should march speedily under his colours. Then in all disorder, without keeping either rank or file, they took the fields, one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, destroying, and making havock of all wherever they went, ' not sparing poor nor rich, privileged nor unprivileged places, church or laity : drove away oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and the like. Beating down the wallnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with none to resist them ; for every one submitted to their mercy ; be- seeching them, that they might _ be dealt with courteously; in regard that they had always carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours ; and. that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not desist, God would punish them very shortly. To which expostu- lations and remonstrances no other answer was made, but, that they would learn them to eat cakes. 58 111 a WVKKS [Book I. CHAPTER XXVII. HOW A MONK OF SEVILE SAVED THE CLOSE OF THE ABBEY FROM BEING RAVAGED BY THE ENEMY. SO much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to SevihS, where they robbed both men and women, and took all they could catch : Nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they nevertheless entered everywhere ; then plundered and carried away all that was within, and yet, for all this, not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians, chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto, and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of the infection ; and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any harm at all. Whence comes this to pass (my masters), I beseech you think upon it 1 The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a horrible noise and tumult,, but they found it shut and made fast against them ; whereupon, the body of the army marched forward towards a ford, called Sue (Gue) de Vede, except seven companies of foot, and two hundred lanciers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close to waste, spoil and make havock of all the vines and vintage within that place. The monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity, to which of all their sancts they should vow themselves; nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes. There it was decreed, that they should make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies, contra kostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. ■ There was then in the abbey, a clanstral monk, called Friar John de Entoumeures. young, gallant, frisk, lusty, nimble, quick, , active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouthed.long- nosed. a rare mumbler of mattins, unbridler of masses, and runner over of vigils : and to conclude summarily, in a word, a right monk^f ever there were any, since the -monking world monked a ' monkery: For the rest a clerk, even to the teeth, in matter-oT breviary. This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the inclosure of the vineyard, went cut to see what they were doing, and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many bell-melters, whom, when he heard sing, mm, nim.,pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nede, turn ne, num, num, ini, i, mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno ne, no, no, no, rum, ne- num, num : " This is," said he, " b ien chie chante, well shit, well sung. Chap. XXVII.] OF RABELATS. S9 By the virtue of God ; why do you not sing paniers farewell, vin- tage is done. The devil snatch me if they be not already within the middle of our close and cut so well both vines and grapes, that by Cods Body, there will not be found for these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly of Sanct James, what shall we (poor devils) drink the while ? Lord God ! da mild potum, " Then said the prior of the convent, "What should this drunken fellow do here, let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine service V " Nay," said the monk, " the wine service ? let us behave ourselves so that it be not troubled ; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth dislike good wine ; it is a monastical apophthegm : But these responses that you chaunt here, by G , are not in season. _ Wherefore is it, that our devotions were insti- tuted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, and long in the advent and all the winter ? " The late friar Messepelosse, of good memory, a true zealous man (or the devil take me) of our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in this season we might press and ■ make the wine, and in the winter whiff it up. Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cops Body, follow me, for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they taste one drop of the liquor, that will not now come and fight in.defence of the vine. Hog's belly, the goods of the church ! Ha, no, no : What the devil would have Sanct Thomas of England died for them ; If I die, -shall not I be a Sanct likewise 1 Yet will not I die for all this, but send others a packing." As he spake this, he threw off his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorb-apple-tree, it being of the length of a lance, round, of a full gripe, and a little powdered with flower de luces, almost all defaced and worn out. - Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfways athwart his breast, and with his staff of the cross laid on so lustily upon his enemies, who without any order, or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the vineyard ; for the cornets, guidons, and ensign- bearers had lain down their standards, banners, and colours by the wall-sides : The drummers had knocked out the heads of their drums on one end, to fill them with grapes : The trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches, and huge knots of clusters : In sum, every one of them was out of a^ray, and all in disorder. He hurried therefore upon them so. rudely, without crying gare, or beware, that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till their ribs cracked with it ; to others again, he unjointed the spondyles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made their cheeks 60 THE WORKS [BookL hang flapping over their chin, and so swinged and belamed them, that they fell down before him like bay before a mower: to some others he spoiled the frame of their kidnies, marred their backs, broke their thigh bones, pushed in their noses, poached out their eyes,~cleft their mandibules, tore their jaws, dashed their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their omoplates, or shoulder-blade, sphacelated their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed their ancles, heaved off of the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their knees, squattered into pieces the boughs or pestles of their thighs, and so thumped, mauled, and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so thick and threefold threshed upon by poughmen's flails, as were the pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies, under the merciless haton of the cross Tf any o ffered to hide himself amongst the thickest of the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. If any- thought by his flight to escape, he made his head to fly in pieces by the lambdoidal commis- sure. Tf anyone did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impailed him in at the fundament. If any one of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, " Ha, Friar John, my friend; Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you : to you I render myself." "So thou shalt," said he, "per force, and thy soul to all the devils in hell f then suddenly gave him dronos. If any w as so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face, then was it he did shew the strength of his muscles ; for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him at the breast through the mediatestine and the heart. Others again he so quashed and bebumped, that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs, he overturned their stomachs, so that they died immediately. To some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff swag ; then redoubling the blow, gave them such a home push on the navel, that he made their puddings gush out. To others, through their ballocks he pierced their bum- gut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their body, that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his violence. Be- lieve, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw : Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George ; " O, the holy Lady Nytouch," said one, " the good sanctess ;" " O, our lady of suc- cours," said another, " help, help !" Others cried, " Our lady of Cunaut, of Loretta, of good tidings, on the other side of the water St. Mary-over :" Some vowed a pilgrimage to St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, which three months after that burnt so well in the fire, that they could not get one thread of it saved : others sent up their vows to St. Cadouin, others to St. John d'Angelie, and to St. Eutropius of Xantes : Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Cloud of Sinays, the holy relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels. Some died without speaking, others spoke 7? 3 CO 3 Chap. XXVIIIJ OF EABEZAIS. 61 ■without dying ; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted aloud, " Confession, confession, conjiteor, miserere, m manus." So great was the cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came forth ; who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them. But whilst the priests were busy in confessing them, the little monEes ran all to the place where .Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance., To which he answered, that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They, presently leaving their outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed. Can you tell with what instruments they did it 1 With fair gullicks, which ar« little hulched-backed demi-knives, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe walnuts in two. In the meantime, Friar John, with his formidable baton (staff) of the cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape. Some of the monkitos carried the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and chambers, to make garters of them, but when those that had been shriven would have gone out at tha gap of the said breach , the sturdy monk gnashed and felled them . down with blows, saying, " These men have had confession and are penitent souls, they have got their absolution, and gained the pardons.: they go into Paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye {like Crooked-lane at Eastcheap). Thus by his prowess and valour were discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey, unto the number of thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two, besides the women and little children, which is always to be understood. Never did Maugis the hermit bear himself more valiantly with his pilgrim's staff against the Saracens, of whom it is written in the -^1 . Acts of the four sons of Haymon, than did this monk against his H v °^ enemies with the staff of the cross. . — 1 CHAPTER XXVIII. HOW PICROCHOLE STORMED AND TOOK BY ASSAULT THE ROCK CLERMOND, AND OF GRANGOUSIER'S UNWILLINGNESS AND AVERSION FROM THE UNDERTAKING OF WAR. WHILST the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford Vede with all his soldiery, and set / 62 TEE WORKS [Book I. upon the rock Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all : And because it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town, and to refresh himself of hia pugnative choler. In the morning, he stormed and took the bul- warks and castle, which afterwards he fortified with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted ; for it was a strong place both by art and nature, in regard of the situa- tion of it. "Rut, let, us leave them there, and return to our good Qaryantna, who in .it Pjjilj, Vil rv assidrcms and earnest at the study of good letters, and athletical exercitat.inns; and to the good old man Grangousier his father, who, after supper, warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great fire, and, whilst his chesnuts are a roasting, is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth with a stick burned at one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, tell- ing to his wife and the rest of the family, pleasant old stories and tales of former times. Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines, named (Pillot), came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed, and the exces- sive spoil that was made by Picrochole, king of Lern6, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, wasted, and ravaged all the country, except the enclosure at Sevill, which Friar John des Entoumeures, to his great honour, had preserved ; and that at the same present time, the said king was in the rock Clermond ; and there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthen- ing himself and his whole army. "Halas, halas, alas" said Gran- gousier, "what is this, good people? Do I dream, or is it. true that they tell me 1 Picrochole. my ancie nt friend of old! time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to invade me'! What moves him '{ Wliat provokes him? What sets him on 3 What drives Mm to it 'I Who hath given him this counsel if Ho,' ho, /w, ho, ho, [my God, my Saviour he lp me, inspire me. and advise •w, »i«/, „■<./, »w, Lit.y yuu,mjr uatiuui neip me, inspire me, ana aavise me what I shall do. I protest, I swpa.r hotm-o t^»» S " be thon favourable to me, if ever I did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least robbery in his country j but, on the contrary, I have succoured and supplied him with men, money, friendship and counsel upon any occasion, wherein I could be steadable for his good ; tbat he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me ; it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou inowest my courage, for no- thing can be hidden from thee. If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, Iw, my good people, my friends, and my faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me 1 Alas ! my old age required hence- forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I have laboured for nothing so much as peace : But now I must (I see it Chap. XXIX. OF RABELAIS. 63 well) load with arms my poor, weary, and feebled shoulders, and take in my trembling hand tfie lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my honest subjects. Eeason will have it so ; for by their labour am I maintained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children, and my family. This notwithstanding I will not undertake war, until I have first tried all the ways and means of peace ; that I resolve upon." Then assembled he his counsel, and proposed the matter, as it ■was indeed, whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace, and invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that they should , send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the praser-.' fration of the country, and defence thereof, now at need.. All 'fh.is pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. Presently, therefore, he sent Basque, his lackey, to fetch Gargantua with all diligence, and wrote to him as fol- loweth. CHAPTER XXIX. Smt. 4 tlfk _*- THE TENOR OF THE LETTER WHICH GRANGOUSIER WROTE ««A*Xy TO HIS SON GARGANTUA. -Hi f**( c**r» THE fervency of thy studies did require, that I should not in a ^" long time recal thee from that philosophical rest thou now en- c*yiri- r joyest, if the confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confede- rates had not at this present disappointed the assurances of my old age. But seeing such is my fatal destiny, that I should be now dis- quieted by those in whom I trusted most, 1 am forced to call thee back to defend the people and goods, which, by the right of nature, belong unto thee. For even as arms are weak abroad if there be not counsel at home ; so is that study vain,- and counsel unprofitable, which, in a due and convenient time, is not by virtue executed and. put in effect. My intention is not to provoke, but appease ; not to assault, but to defend ; not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful subjects and hereditary dominions ; into which Picrochole is entered in a hostile manner, without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth his furious enter- prise with great height of insolence, that is intolerable to freeborn spirits. " I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction ; arid oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto Mm, to understand wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged : but of him could I obtain no other answer, but a mere defiance ; and that in my lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency 64 TBE WORKS [Book! and good behaviour. Whereby I knew that the eternal God hath given him over to the disposure of his own free will and sensual appetite, which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not continually guided : and, to contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair hither with all diligence, to succour, not me so much (which, nevertheless, by natural piety thou oughtest to do V as thine own people, which by reason thou oughtest to save and preserve.. The exploit snail be done with as little enusion ol blood as may be ; and, if possible, by means more expedient, by policy and stratagems of war, we will save all the souls, and send them home merry unto their own houses. My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Eedeemer be with thee. Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon. "The 20th of September. Thy father, " Geangoxjsiee." CHAPTER XXX. HOW ULRICH GALLET WAS SENT UNTO PICROCHOLE. THE letter being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained, that Ulrich Gallet (master of the requests), a very wise and discreet man, of whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters, to go unto Picrochole, to shew what had been resolved amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and, having passed the Ford, asked the miller, in what condition Picrochole was? who answered, " That his soldiers had left neither cock nor hen; that they were retired and shut up into the rock Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further, for fear of the scouts, because they were enormously furious ; which he easily believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller. The next morning he went with a trumpeter to. the gate of the castle, and required of the guards he might be admitted to speak to the king, of somewhat that concerned him. These words being told unto the king, he would by no means consent that they should open the gate ; but, getting upon the top of the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, " What is the news 1 What have yon to say J" Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth : Chap. XXXI.J OF RABELAIS. 65 CHAPTER XXXI. THE SPEECH MADE BY GALLET TO PICROCHOLE. THERE cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief, than when they receive hurt and damage, where they may justly expect for favour and good will ; and not without cause (though without reason) have many, after they had fallen into such a cala- mitous accident, esteemed this indignity less supportable than the loss of their own lives ; in such sort, that if they could not by force of arms, or otherwise, correct it, they have deprived them- selves of this light. "It is, therefore, no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full of high displeasure, and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile coming ; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of, and moved with, the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of inhumanity omitted; which in itself is to him so grievous for the cordial affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal man ; yet in this (above human apprehension) is it to him the more grievous, that these wrongs and sad offences have been committed by thee and thine, who, time out of .mind, from all antiquity, thou and thy predecessors, have been in a continual league and amity with him, and all his ancestors, which, even until this time, you have, as sacred, together inviolably preserved, kept, and maintained so well, that not he and his only, but the very barbarous nations, the Poicte- vins, Bretons, Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set up depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their enterprises, that they have never dared to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as high esteem as their own territories and dominions ; in such sort, that, from the memory of man, there hath not been either prince or league so wild and proud, that durst have offered to invade, I say, not your countries, but not so much as those of your confederates. And if by rash and heady counsel they have attempted any new design against them, a3 soon as they heard the name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all old alliance infringed, 66 TEE WORKS [Boor J. all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced, wronged, or provoked 1 Where is faith ? Where is law 1 Where is reason ? Where is humanity 1 Where is the fear of God 1 ' Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses- are hidden from the eternal spirits, and the Supreme God, who is the just rewarder of all our undertakings 1 If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself ; for all things shall come to pass, as in his incom- prehensible judgment he hath appointed. " Is it thy fatal destiny, or influence of the stars, that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? For all things have their end and period, so as that, when they are come to the super- lative point of their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those who cannot, by reason and tem- perance, moderate their fortunes and prosperities. But, if it bit ■) predestinated that thy happiness and ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my King'! Him, by whom' tcou wert established i it thy house must come to ruin, should it, theretore, in its tall, crush the heels of him that set it up 1 The matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till, by the certain and un- doubted effects thereof, it be made apparent, that nothing is either f sacred or holy to those, who, having emancipated themselves from I God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of their I own depraved nature. *- " If any wrong had been done by us to thy subjects and domi- nions ; if we had favoured thy ill-willers ; if we had not assisted thee in thy need ; if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us ; or (to speak more truly) if the calumniating spirit, tempt- ing to induce thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy conceit the impression of a thought, that we had done' unto thee anything unworthy of our ancient corre- spondence and friendship, thou oughtest first to have enquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to admonish us thereof ; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldest have had occasion to be contented. But (0, Eternal God) what is thy enterprise ? Wouldest thou, like a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom 1 Hast thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not j or so destitute of men and money, of counsel, and skjll in military discipline, that he cannot withstand thy unjust invasion 1 March hence presently, and to-morrow, some time oi the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of violence or disorderly act by the way ; and pay withal a thou- sand besans of gold, for reparations of damages thou hast done in his country : half thou shalt pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, leaving with us in the meantime, foi Chaj. XXXII.] OP RABELAIS. 67 hostages, the Dukes of Turnebank, Lowbuttock, and Snialltrash : together with, the Prince of Itches [Scrubbadol and Viscount of Bnatchbit. ' CHAPTER XXXII. HOW GRANGOUSIER, TO BUY PEACE, CAUSED THE CAKES TO BE RESTORED. WITH that the good man Gallet held his peace : but Picrochole . . / to all his discourse answered nothing, but "Game and .fetch V™* them, come and fetch them : they have ballocks fair and soft : thevwUf /&mst Icnead seme cakes for you." Then returned he to Grangousier. whom /1^«a He found upon his knees, bare-headed, crouching in a little corner "** A ^ of his cabinet, and humbly praying unto God, that he would vouch- fh< w safe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. — When the good man came l^i^/M back, he asked him, " Ha, my friend, my friend, what news do you ^ #. rv,i bring me i" "There is neither hope nor remedy," said Gallet ; " the man is quite out of his wits, and forsaken of God." — " Yea, but," said t^nirwi* Grangousier, "my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his out- hrClM*. rages f " He did not shew me any cause at all," said Gallet, " only \ that, in a great anger, he spoke some words of cakes. I cannot tell if they have .done any wrong to his cake- bakers." " I will know," said Grangousierj "the matter thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon what is to be done." Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and found, by true information, that some of his men had taken violently some cakes from Picrochole's people, and . that Marquet had his head broken : that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs, and it seemed good to his whole counsel, that he should defend himself with all his might. " Not- withstanding all this," said Grangousier, " seeing the question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him ; for I am very unwilling to wage war against him." He enquired then what quantity of cakes they had taken away, and, understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he commanded five cart-loads of them to be baked that same night, and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon Marquet ; unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three Philips,* for reparation of his losses, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had dressed his wound ; and furthermore settled upon him and his, for ever, in freehold, the apple-orchard called La Pomar- • Philips.] A coin, bo called from King PMlip of Valoia. E 68 TEE WORKS [Book I. diere ; for the conveyance and passing of all which, was sent Gallet, who, by the way, as they went, made them gather near the willow trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise, did, thereby to give all men to understand, that they demanded but peace, and that they came to buy it. Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole, from Grangousier. Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should deliver their mind to Captain TouquedUlon, who was then planting a piece of ordnance upon Lhe watH Then said the good man unto him, " My Lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the cakes upon which the quarrel arose. — Five dozen did our people take away ; they were well paid for : we love peace so well that we restore unto you five cart-loads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most complain. Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him ; and for the losses he may pretend to have sus- tained, I resign for ever the farm of the Pomardiere, to be pos- sessed in fee simple by him and his for ever, without the pay- ment of any duty, or acknowledgment of homage, fealty, fine, or service whatsoever ; and here is the deed of conveyance ; and for God's sake let us live henceforward in peace ; and go you home merrily into your own country from this place, unto which you have no right at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as before." Touquedillon related all this to Picro- chole, and more and more exasperated his courage, saying to him : " These clowns are afraid to some purpose. By cocks, Grangousier conshites himself for fear ; the poor drinker he is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it ; he knows better how to empty the flaggons — that is his art. I am of opinion that it is fit . , we send back the carts and the money ; and for the rest, that very speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune. But what, do they think they have to do with a Mnniewhoop, to feed you thus with cakes ? You may see what it is, the good usage and great familiarity which you have had with them heretofore, hath made you contemptible in their eyes ; ungenton purget pur- gentom rustvus unget." " Sa, sa, sa," said Picrochole, " by St. James, you have given a true character of them." " One thing I will advise you," said Touque- dillon ; " we are here but badly victualled, and very slenderly pro- vided with stores for the mouth : if Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently and pluck out of all your soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but too soon," Chap. XXXIII.] OF RABELAIS. 69 "We shall have," said Picrochole, "but too much sustenance and feeding stuff. Came we hither to eat or to fight f " To fight indeed " said Touquedillon ; " yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules force is exiled." " Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, "and forthwith seize upon what they have' brought." Then took he the money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent away the messengers, without speaking a word, only that they would come no more so near, for a reason that would be told them the morrow after. Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier, and related the whole matter unto him, subi joining that there was no hope left to draw them to peace, but by sharp and fierce wars. CHAPTER XXXIII. HOW SOME MINISTERS OF PICROCHOLE, BY HAIR-BRAINED COUNSEL, PUT HIM IN EXTREME DANGER. THE carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came before Picrochole the Duke of Small-trash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and Captain Durtaille, who said unto him, " Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia." " Be covered, be covered," said Picrochole. " Cry you mercy," said they, "we do but our duty. The matter is thus — you shall leave some captain here to have the charge of this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which, besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. Your army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do ; one part thereof shall fall upon Grangousier and his forces ; by it shall he be easily ; at the very first shock, routed, and then shall you get money by heaps ; for the clown had store of ready coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and generous prince had never a penny, and that to .hoard up treasure is the part of a clown. The other part of the army, in the mean- time, shall draw towards Onys, Xaintonge, Angoumois, and Gas- cony; then march to Perigourt, Medos, and Elanes, taking, wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and forts. Afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luz, to Fuentarabia, where you shall seize upon all the ships, and, coasting along Gallicia and Portugal, shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be supplied with all necessaries befitting a con- queror. By Copsodi, Spain will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately than those of Hercules, to the 7° TffE WORKS [Bock I. pei*petual memory of your name ; and the narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrochonical sea. "Having past the Picrochonical sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave." "I will," said Picrochole," give him fair quar- ter." "Yea," said they," so that he be content to be christened. And you shall conquer the kingdoms of Tunes, of Hippos Argier TA1- giers], Bomine, Corode, yea, all Barbary. — Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustick and Balcarian seas [Balearian]. Going along on the left hand, you shall subdue all Gallia Narbo- nensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then God by Aloroe, our poor Monsieur the pope dies now for fear." " By my faith," said Picrochole, " I will not then kiss his panloffle* "Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Aputia [Apulia] and Sicily, all ransacked, and Malta too. I wish those jovial quondam knights of Rhodes would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine." "I would," said Picrochole, " very willingly go to Loretta." " No, no," said they, " that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail eastwards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Island, and set upon the Morea. It is ours by St. Trenian, the Lord preserve Jerusalem ; for the great Soldan is not comparable to you in power." "I will then," said : he, " cause Solomon's Temple to be built." " No," said they, " not yet; have a little patience; stay awhile; be never too sudden in -your enterprises. " Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said, Festina lentl. It is requisite that you first have the Lesser Asia, Carra, Lycia, Pam- phylia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Cara, Zia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Sanasta, even unto Euphrates." "Shall we see," said Picrochole, "Babylon and Mount Sinai?' " There is no need," said they, " at this time. Have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted and past over the Hircanian Sea, marched along the two Armenias and the three Arabias f " By my faith," said he, " we have played the fools, and are undone. Ha, poor souls !" " What's the matter ?' said they. "What shall we have," said he, "to drink in these desarts? for Julian Augustus, with his whole army, died there for thirst, as they say." "We have already," said they, " given order for that- In the Syriac sea, you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world ; they arrived at Port-Joppa ; there you shall find two and twenty thousand camels, and sixteen hundred elephants, which you shall find at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you enter into Lybia : and, besides this, you will have all the Mecca caravan. Will not they furnish you sufficiently with wine ?" " Yes ; but," said he, " we shall not drink it fresh." "That," said they, " is for a little fish ; but a mighty man, a pretender, one that aspires to the monarchy of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the Biver Tigris." Chap. XXXIII.] OF RABELAIS. 71 _ "But," said he, "what doth that part of our army, in the mean- time, which overthrows that worthy swill-pot GrangousierT' " They are not idle," said they ; " we shall meet with them by-and- by. They shall have won you Brittany, Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand ; they have past the llhine, over the bellies of the Switzers and Lanskennets, and a party of them hath subdued Luxemburg, Lorrain, Champaign, and Savoy, even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from the naval conquests of the Mediterranean Sea ; and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria, Austria, Moravia, and Styria. — Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Norway, Swedeland, Bie, Denmark, Guitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even unto the Frozen Sea. This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the Sandy Sea, and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungaria, Bulgaria, Turquieland, and are now at Constantinople." " Come," said Picrochole, " let us go join them quickly ; for I will be emperor of Trebezonde also. Shall we not kill all these dog Turks and Mahometans?" "What a devil should we^do else T said they ; " and you shall give their goods- and lands to such as shall have served you honestly." " Keason," said he, " will have it so ; that is but just. I give unto you Caramania, Suria, and all Palestine." " Ah, sir," said they," it is your goodness : grammercy, God grant you may always prosper." There was pre- sent at the time an old gentleman. well experienced in the wars— a stern soldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse, said : " I do heartily doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale of the pitcher full oj milk, wherewith a shoemaker made himself rich in conceit ; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests. What shall be the end of so many labours and crosses V " Thus it shall be," said Picrochole, " that when we return we shall sit down, rest, and be merry." " But," said Echephron, " if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers V " O," said Swashbuckler, " by G— , here is a good dotard ; come, let us go hide ourselves in the corner of a chim- ney, and there spend the whole time of our life amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning like Sardanapalus. 'He that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule,' said Solomon." " ' He who a'dventureth too much,' said Echephron : " ' loseth both horse and mule,' as Malchon answered." "Enough,' said Picrochole, "go forward ; I fear nothing, but that these devilish legions of Gran- gousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will come on our backs and charge upon our rear ; what remedy then ?" " A very good one " said Durtaille ; " send a pretty round commission to the S - 72 THE WORKS [Booicl. Muscovites, and they -will bring instantly into the field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting men. O, that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, how I should truss up the rogues with discipline ! I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the deviL" " On, on," said Picrochole, " he that loves me, follow me." CHAPTER XXXIV. HOW GARGANTUA LEFT THE CITY OF PARIS, TO SUCCOUR HIS COUNTRY, AND HOW GYMNAST ENCOUNTERED WITH THE ENEMY. IN this same very hour, Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris, as soon as he had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already passed the Nunnery-bridge. Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, to go follow him, took post-horses ; the rest of his train came after him by even journies, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments^ as soon as ne had alighted at ParilM, he was informed by a iarmer of Gouget, how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and Vaugaudry; and that they had already plundered the whole country, not leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the wine-press of Billard ; and that it was a strange thing, and hardly to be credited, what ravage they had committed over all the land ; which so affrighted Gargantua, that he knew not what to say, nor what to do. But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the lord of Vauguyon, who, at all times had been their friend and confederate ; and that by him they should be better advised in their business ; which they did incontinently, and found him very willing to assist them ; and he was of opinion, that they should send some one of his company to scout along and discover the country ; to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the- present occasion. Gymnast offered himself to go; where- upon it was concluded, that for his safety, and the better expedi- tion, he should have with him some one that knew the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prelingot, gentleman of Vauguyon's horse, who scouted and espied on all quarters without any fear. In the mean- time Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the like did those that were with him, and caused to give to his mare a pwotine of oats, that is, threescore and fourteen quarters and three bushels. Gymnast and his companion rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy's forces, all scattered and Cnap. XXXV.] OF RABELAIS. 73 out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and pillaging all they could ay their hands on ; and, as far off as they could perceive liim, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him to unload him of his money, and untruss his port- mantles 1 hen cried he out unto them, " My masters, lama poor devil, 1 desire you to spare me, I have yet one crown left ; come we must drink it, for it is aurum potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome ; afterwards take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G— , to tear asunder and devour a hen, than I that am here ; and for my beverage, I drink to all good fellows." With that he unscrued his leathern bottle, and, without putting in his nose, drank very handsomely ; the rogues looked upon him, and opening their throats a foot wide, and putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but Captain Tripet, in the very nick, came running to him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, " Hold, Captain, drink boldly and spare not. Ihave been thy taster : it is wine of La Fay Movjau." " What," says Tripet, " this fellow gibes and flouts us ; who art thou 1 " said Tripet. " I am," said Gymnast, ■' apoor devil" (pauvre diable). " Ha," said Tripet, " seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils pass everywhere without toll or tax ; but it is not the custom of poor devils to be so well mounted, therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do it ; for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away." CHAPTER XXXV. HOW GYMNAST VERY NIMBLY KILLED CAPTAIN TRIPET, AND OTHERS OF PICROCHOLE'S MEN. WHEN they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blessed themselves with both hands, thinking, indeed, that he had been a devil disguised ; insomuch, that one 01 them, named Good John, captain of the trained bands, took his psalter out of his codpiece, and cried out aloud, " Hagios ho Theos* If thou be of God, speak ; if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going." Yet he went not away ; which words * ffagios ho Tkeosl\ The first words of the Trisagion of the Greeks, "Ayeoj 6 Qtbij, dyioe iaxvpbg, aytog adavaroq, iXeqoov ri/iag. Holy Gud, Mighty Holy One, Immortal Holy One, have mercy on in. 74 TEE WORKS [Book.I, being heard- by all the soldiers that were there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the place. All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his thigh, shifting his feet in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft in the air, and E laced both his feet together on the saddle, standing upright, with is backturned towards the horse'shead ; " Now," said he, "mycas6 goes backward." Then suddenly, in the very same posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his former stance [position] without missing one jot. "Ha," said Tripet, " I will not do that at this time," and not without cause. " Well," said Gymnast, " I have failed, I will undo this leap ;" then, with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol as before ; which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind bow of the saddle, raised him up, and sprung in the air, poising and uphold- ing his whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times. At the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything, he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, springing with all his body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture, turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called the miller's pass. After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing, that he thereby seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen. This done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and placed himself like one that rides in croup. " But," said he, " it were better for me to get into the saddle;" then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle, in a good seat. Then, with a summersault, springing into the air again, he fell to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made above an hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommads, with his arms held out across, and, in so doing, cried out aloud, " I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark mad : devils, I am mad ; hold me, devils, hold ;me ; hold, devils, hold, hold ! " ' Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment, said to one another, " By cock's death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised ; ah hoste maligno libera nos, domine," and ran away as in a total rout, looking now and then behind them like a dog that had stolen a pudding. Chap. XXXVI.] OP RABELAIS. 75 Then Gymnast, spying his advantage, alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the thickest and highest-crested amongst them, and overthrew them in great heaps hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they think- ing he had been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor devil. Only Tripet would have traiterously cleft his head with his fauchion ; but he was well armed, and felt nothing of the blow, but the weight of the stroke ; whereupon, turning suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home thrust, and, upon the back of that, whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground ; and, in falling, gushed forth above four potties of pottage, and his soul mingled with the pottage. This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period, and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, without troubling or stretching it too far. Wherefore, getting to horse, he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelingot with him. CHAPTER XXXVL HOW GARGANTUA DEMOLISHED THE CASTLE AT THE FORD OF VEDE, AND HOW THEY PASSED THE FORD. AS soon as he came thither, he related the estate and condition wherein they had found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude ; affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline ; and that they might boldly set forward unto the field, it being an easy matter to fell and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare, accompanied, as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great tree (which commonly was called St. Martin's tree, because here- tofore St. Martin . planted a pilgrim's staff there ; which grew to that height and greatness), said, "This is that which I lacked ; this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance." With that he pulled it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. I n the meantime his mare pi ssed to eafie W bplly-j but. it was in such abundance, that it did o verflnw t.hp country spven leagues, and ail the flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede. wnerewitti the water was so swollen, that al l the forces the enemy had there, were with great horror drowned^ e xcept some who had. 76 THE WORKS [Book L taken the way on the left hand towards the hilla . Gargantua, "Being come to the wood of Vede, was informed by Eudemon, that there was some remainder of the enemy within the castle ; which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, " Are you there, or are you not there % if you be there, be there no more ; and if you be not there, I have no more to say." But a ruffian gunner, at the portcullis, let fly a cannon-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a grape-stone at him. " What is this % " said Gargantua, " do you throw at us grape- stones here? The vintage shall cost you dear," thinking indeed that the bullet had been the stone of a grape. Those who were within the castle being till then busy at the pillage, when they heard this noise, ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they shot at him above nine thousand and five and twenty falcon-shot and harbuscades, aiming all at his head ; and so thick did they shoot at him that he cried out, " Ponocrates, my friend, these flies are like to put out mine eyes ; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away," thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had been but dun-flies. Ponocrates looked and saw there were no other flies, but great shot which they had shot from the castle. Then was it that he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the ford covered with dead bodies, so thick, that they had choaked up the mill, and stopped the current of its water : and these were those that were destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare, 'ihere they were at a stand, consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses. But Gymnast said, "If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough." "The devils have passed there," said Eudemon, "to carry away the damned souls." " By St. Rhenian," said Ponocrates, " then by necessary consequence he shall pass there." "Yes, yes," said Gymnastes, " or I shall stick in the way." Then, setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing, nor being any ways affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies ; for he had accustomed him, according to the doctrine of iElian, not to fear armour, nor the carcasses of dead men ; and that not by killing men, as Diomedes did the Thracians, or as Ulysses did. in throwing the corpse of his enemies at his horse's feet, as Homer saith ; but by putting a Jacha-lent amongst his hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. The other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse's far fore-foot sunk up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat chuff, who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the Chap. XXXVII.] OP RABELAIS, 77 e v d of hi s staff - ttlrust down the rest of the villain's trines intn tllOWaTer ' wiulst the horse pulled out his foot ■ and, winch is a T."" ] err .V i ttlmg ln ni PPiatry. the said horse was thoroughly birred* ui a nngoone wnicft he Had in that foot, by this touch of the burst guts of that great loobv.: ' * CHAPTER XXXVII. HOW GARGANTUA, IN COMBING HIS HEAD, MADE GREAT CANNON-BALLS FALL OUT OF HIS HAIR. HAVING got over the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to Grangousier's castle, who waited for them with great longing. At their coming there was such hugging and em- *■ bracing, never was seen a more joyful company ; for supplementum, '^V**' supplementi chronicorum sait.h, that QaEga meJI& ( Ij ftri there -with \ ^ iov.. F or my pari truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very / f" much for her, nor for anybody else. The truth was, that (4a.rgn.n- * v« tua, in shifting his clothes and combing his head with a comb ^ nine hundred feet long, and the teeth all tusks of elephants, whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls that stuck in his hair, at the razing the castle at the wood of Vede ; which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had been lice, and said unto him, " What, my dear son, hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague? I did not mean that thou shouldest reside there." Then answered Ponc- crates, " My sovereign lord, think not that I have placed him in that lowsy college, which they call Montague ; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent, so enor- mous is the cruelty and villany that I have known there : for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house, than are poor wretched students in the aforesaid col- lege. And were I king of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be exercised before their eyes." Then, taking up one of these bullets, he said, " These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of Vede. " But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Sampson, and those whom the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written, Luke 13. My opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side, for Occasion hath all her hair on her forehead ; when she is past you may not recal her j she is bald in the hind 73 THE WORKS [Book I. part of her head, and never returneth again." "Truly," said Grangousier, " it shall not be at this time, for I mil make you a feast this night, and bid you welcome." This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary, besides his daily fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, threescore and three fat kids, fourscore and fifteen wethers, three hundred barrow pigs souced in sweet wine, eleven score partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudon and Cornwal capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, three hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars, which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer, which the Lord of Grammont bestowed ; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent by the Lord of Essars, and some dozens of quests, cushots, ring- doves, and woodculvers ; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers, Francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovelers, woodlanders, herons, moor-hens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, flamans which are phsenicopters, ter- rigoles, turkies, arbens, coots, solingeese, curlews, termagants, and water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese and store of soup, pottages, and brewis, with variety. Without doubt there was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snap-sauce, Hotch-pot, and Braverjuice, Grangousier's cooks. Jenken, Trudge-a-pace, and Clean-glass, were very careful to fill them drink. CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW GARGANTUA DID EAT UP SIX PILGRIMS IN A SALLAD. ^THE s tnr-v rp.miirpt[V that we relate what happened unto six X pilgrims, who came from Sebastian near to Nantes; and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the chicheling pease, among the cabbages, and lettices. Gargantua, finding himself somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettice to make him a eallad ; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country (for they were as great as plum-trees, or as walnut-trees) he would go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear, they did not dare to speak nor cough. Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said o»3 to another softly, " What shall we do I we are almost drowned here amongst tliese lettices, shall we speak I but if we speak he will Chap. XXXVIII.J OF RABELAIS. 7 g Mil us for spies." As they were thus deliberating what to do. Gar-' gantua put them with the lettice into a platter of the house as large as the huge tun of the Cistertians, which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he eat them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally hid under a lettice, except his staff that appeared, and nothing else ; which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, " I think that is the horn of a shell snail, do not eat it." " Why not ?" said Gargantua ; " they are good all this month,'' which he no sooner said, but drawing up the staff, and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he eat him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent white-wine, and expected supper to,, be brought up. The pilgrims, thus devoured, made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away in the gulph of his stomach. Nevertheless, skipping with their staves, as St. Michael's palmers used to do, they shel- tered themselves from the danger of that inundation, under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, groping or sound- ing the country with his staff to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibular!/ sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt. To ease himself therefore of his smarting ach, he called for his tooth-picker, and, rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, unnestled you my gentlemen pilgrims. For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor fellow that had hurt him with the staff,^ him he hooked to him by the codpiece, which snatch nevertheless I iju did him a great deal of good, for it broke upon him a pocky botch 1 |«l^ he had in the groin, which grievously tormented him ever sines \ ^ they were past Ancenis. The pilgrims, thus dislodged, ran ' *** athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for all was ready. " I will go then," said he, "and piss away my misfor- tune," which he did do in such a copious measure, that, the urine taking away the feet from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of trees : upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except Fourailler, into a trap that had been made to take wolves by a train : out of which they escaped nevertheless by the in- dustry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a r** 80 THE WORKS P 500 * *• lodge near unto Coudry, -where they were comforted in their miseries, bv the gracious words of one of their company, called Sweertogo, who shewed them that this adventure had been foretold by the prophet David in the Psalms. " Quum escurgerent homines m nos,forti vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the sallad, with salt, oil, and vinegar. Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos ; when he drank the great draught Torrentem pertransivit anima nostra ; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem ; that is, the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet from us. Benedietus dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum : anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantiam ; when we fell in the trap. Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller. M nos liberati sumus. Adjutorium nostrum, &c. n CHAPTER XXXIX. HOW THE MONK WAS FEASTED BY GARGANTUA, AND OT THE JOVIAL DISCOURSE THEY HAD AT SUPPER. WHEN Gargantua was set down at table, and all of them had somewhat stayed their stomachs, Grangousier began to re- late the source and cause of the war raised between him and Picro- chole. and came to tell how Friar John of des Entoumeures, the Fun- nels, had triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then Gargantua desired that he might be pre- sently sent for, to the end that with him they might consult of what was to be done ; whereupon, by a joint consent, the master dhotel went for Mm, and brought him along merrily, with his staff of the cross upon Grangousier's mule. When he was come, a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. " Ha, Friar John, my friend, Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John, from the devil, let me clip thee about the neck j let me have thee in my arms ; I must gripe thee (my cod) till thy back crack ;" and, Friar John, the gladdest man in the world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and graciously received than Friar John. " Come, come," said Gargantua, " a stool here close by me at this end." " With all my heart," said the monk, " seeing you will have it so." " Some water, page, fill, my boy, fill, it is to refresh my liver." " Givs me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. Depositd cappd," said Gymnast, " let us pull off this frock." " Ho, by G— , gentlemen," said the monk, " there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis, which op- Chap XXXIX.| OF RABELAIS. 81 poseth my laying it down." " Pish," said Gymnast, "a fig Cor your chapter. This frock breaks both your shoulders ; put it off." " My friend," said the monk, " let me alone with it, for by Q — I'll drink the better that it is on, it makes all my body jocund : if I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines ; and, which is worse, I should lose my appetite, but if in this habit I sit down at table, I will drink by G — both to thee and thy horse, and so courage, frolic, God save the company, I have already supped, yet I will eat never a whit the less for that, for I have a paved stomach, as hollow as St. Benet's boots, always open like a lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes but the tench, take the wing of a partridge, or the thigh of a nun : doth not he die like a good fellow that dies ■with a stiff cazzo ? Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a 1 capon." "In that," said Gymnast, "he doth not resemble the foxes ; for of the capons, hens, and pullets which they carry away, they never eat the white." " Why f said the monk. " Because," said Gymnast, " they have no cooks to dress them, and, if they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white, the red- ness of meats being a token that they have not enough of the fire, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs ; and crayfishes, which are cardi- nalized with boiling." " God's fish," said the monk, " the porter of our abbey then hath not his head well-boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. The thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. Some natural philosophy ; ha, ha, what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are always fresh and cool 1" " This problem," said Gargantua, " is neither in Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch." " There are three causes" said the monk, " by which tlvat place is naturally refreshed. Primd, because the water runs all along it. Secundd, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines. And thirdly, because it is continually blown upon, and aired by a reverberation from the bach-door, by the fan of the smock, and flipfiat of the cod-piece. And lusty my lads, some bousing liquor, page ; so crack, crack, crack, O, what a good God have we, that gives us this excellent juice; I call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the Garden of Olivet ; and the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had so well supped, and left their good master in the lurch. I hate that man worse than poison that offers to run away, when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. O, that I were but king of France for fourscore or an hundred years ! by G— I should whip like cur- tailed dogs these run-away s of Pavia. A plague take them, why did they not cliuse rather to die there than to leave their good prince in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly, than to live in disgrace by cowardly running away 1 We are like to eat no great store of 82 THE WORKS [BocKt goslings this year, therefore, friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there. " Diavolo, is there no more must ? No more sweet wine 1 Germinavit radix jesse. I renounce my life, I die for thirst. This wine is none of the worst ; what wine drank you at Paris ? I give myself to the devil, if T did not once keep open house at Paris for all comers six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the High Kilderkins ? O, the good fellow that he is ! But what fly hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student? For my part I study not at all. In- our abbey we never study, for fear of the mumps. Our late abbot was wont to say, that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk : by G— master my friend, magis, rnagnos, clericos, rum sunt, maffis rnagnos mpientes. You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not anywhere come by a gos-hawk, nor tassel of falcon; my lord Beloniere promised me a (annex (hawk), but he wrote to me not long ago, that he was become pursy. The partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up our ears; I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold, that I am like to founder myself at that sport ; if I do not run, top, travel and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is, that in leaping over hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its ■wool behind it; I have recovered a dainty grey-houud; I give him to the devil if he suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading hini to my lord Hunt-little, and I robbed him of him ; did I ill T " No Friar John," said Gymnast, " no, by all the devils that are, no." " So," said the mcmk, " do I attest these same devils so long as they last ; Virtue G — what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? By the body of G— he is better pleajjed, when one presents him with a tfMd yoga of oxelL ' " How noV i; said* jronocrates/'you swear, .briar John. " " '+ i° ""'y," <">*<* +V mont^ "but to grace and adorn my speech : t hey are colours of a Cicero - nian rhetoric." CHAPTER XL. WHY MONKS ARE THE OUTCASTS OF THE WORLD, AND WHEREFORE SOME HAVE BIGGER NOSES THAN OTHERS. BY the faith of a Christian," said Eudemon, " I am highly trans- ported, when I consider what an honest fellow this monk is, for he makes us all merry. How is it then that they exclude tha monies from all good companies ; calling them feast-troublers, aa the bees drive away the drones from their hives ? Iqnavum fucos, pecus, said Maro, a prcesepibus arcent ." " Hereunto," answered Gar- gantua, " there is nothing so true, as that the frock and cowle draw Chap. XL.] OF RABELAIS 83 to them the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds : the peremptory reason is because they eat the turd of the world, that is to say, they feed upon the sins of the people : and as a noisome thing, they are cast into the privies ; that is, the convents and abbies, separated from civil conversation, as the privies and retreats of a house are ; but if you conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked, and provokingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and old : the ape keeps not the house as a dog doth : he draws not in the plough as the ox : he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep : he carrieth no burthen as a horse doth : That which he doth is only to conskit, Bpoil and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frumperies, and bastinadoes. " After the same manner a monk (I mean those little, idle, lazy monks) doth, not labour and work as do the peasant and artificer, doth not ward and defend the country as doth the soldier, cureth not the sick and diseased as the physician doth, doth neither preach nor teach as do the evangelical doctors and schoolmasters, doth not import commodities and things necessary for the com- monwealth as the merchant doth ; therefore is it, that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated and abhorred." " Yea, but," said Grangousier, "they pray to God for us." " Nothing less," answered Gargantua : " true it is, with a tingle tangle, jangling of bells, they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them." " Eight," said the monk, " a mass, a matlne, a vesper well rung is halj said." " They mumble out great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood, they say many patenotres, interlarded with ave maries, without thinking upon, or apprehending the mean- ing of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchets, and good fat pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times, send up their prayers to _ God, and the spirit prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is our good Friar John, therefore every man desireth to have him in his company, he is no bigot, he is not for division ; he is an honest heart, plain, resolute, good fellow ; he travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps the close of the abbey." " Nay," said the monk, " I do a great deal more than that ; for whilst we are dispatching our matines and anniversaries, in the choir, I make withal some cross-bow-strings, polish glass bottles andboultsj I twist lines, and weave pursenets, wherein to catch conies. I am never idle ; but kola, fill, fill, some drink, some drink, here, bring the fruit ; these ehesnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and, with good new wine, will make you a composer of bum-sonnets. You are not yet well liquored ; by G— I drink at all fords like a, pro- moter's (proctor's) horse." " Friar John," said Gymnast, ' take 84 TUB WORKS [BookL away the snot that hangs at your nose." " Ha, ha," said the monk, "am not I in danger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the nose V " No, no, quare I quia, though it comes out thence abundantly, yet there never goes in any ; for it is well antidoted with syrup of the vine." " 0, my friend, he, that hath winter boots made of such leather, may boldly fish for oysters, for they will never take water." "What is the cause," said Gargantua, " that Friar John hath such a goodly nose r " Because," said Grangousier, "that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form, and for such end, as is most agree- able to his divine will, even as a potter fashioneth his vessels." "Because," said Ponocrates, ■" he came with the first to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the greatest." " Pish," said the monk, " that is not t he r eason of it. but accor- ding to the true monastica l philosophy, it is because my nurse had So f t teats, by vll ' lLle whereof, whilst she gave me "noir. mv nma (lid Mink in, as in SO much b utter. The hard bre ^Fltfl " f ""■•°"° Illakti Childr en short nosed. But ney dey. ad form *™ *>"*i- mfinn. stWufadle levavi. 1 am tor no sweet sr" "tt with my tipplp, bny.- item, rather some toasts." t CHAPTER XLI. HOW THE MONK MADE GARGANTUA SLEEP, AND OF HIS HOURS AND BREVIARIES. SUPPER being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded, that about midnight they should fall una- wares upon the enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept ; and in the meanwhile take a little rest, the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon the monk said to him, " I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or prayers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep." The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, and beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as they came to beati quorum, they fell asleep both the one and the other. But the monk for his being formerly accus toraed to the hour of claustral matines, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and being up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full, clear voice, the song, " Awake, Reinian, awake, Awake, Reinian, ho : Oct up for a pot and a cake ; With a diddle dum, diddle dam, do." " Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure." Chap. XL!.] OF RABELAIS. 85 When they were all rouzed arid up, he said, " My masters, it is a usual saying, that we begin matines with coughing, and mpper with drinking; let us now (in doing clean contrarily) begin our matins with drinking, and, at night, before supper, we will cough as hard as we can." " What !" said Gargantna, " to drink so soon after sleep, this is iiot to liTe by the rule of physicians ; for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities." " 0, rot your physicians," said the monk, " a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be not more old drunkards than old physicians. I have made this paction and covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goeth to bed with me, for of that I take very good care, and then it also riseth with me the next morning. Tend your cures as much as you will, I will get me to my tiring!" " What. tiring do you mean?" said Gargantua. "My breviary," said the monk, " for just as the falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them tire at a hen's leg, to purge their brains of phlegm, and sharpen them to a good appetite ;_so, by taking this jolly little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs, and find myself ready to drink." " After what manner," said Gargantua, " do you say these belly heures of yours V " After the manner of Whipfield," said the monk, " by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing all, he that will. I never tie myself to hours, les heures are made for the man, and not the man for les heures; therefore is it that I make my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers ; I shorten or lengthen them when I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat ccelos, & longa potalio evacaat scyphos." " Where is that written V " By my faith, said Pono- crates, " I cannot tell, my pillicock, but thou art worth gold." " Like you, sir," said the monk. " But venite, aputemus." Then made they ready rashers on the coals in abundance, and good fat brewis with sippets, and the monk drank at pleasure. Some kept him company, and did as he did ; others let it alone. Afterwards, every man began to arm and equip himself for battle, and they armed the monk against his will, for he desired no other armour for back and breast, but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand, but the staff of the cross ; yet at their pleasure was he armed tap-a-pee, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the king- dom, with a good slashing sabre by his side ; together with him were Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangousier's house, all armed at proof, with their laiices in their hands, ir.cDnted like St. George, and every one of them having a harquebuse behind him. ?6 the W0RK3 [Book I CHAPTER XLII. HOW THE MONK ENCOURAGED HIS FELLOW CHAMPIONS, AND HOW HE HANGED UPON A TREE. THUS went out those valiant champions on their adventure in full resolution, to know what enterprise they should under- take, and what to be aware of in the day of the great and horrible battle. And the monk encouraged them, saying : " My children, do not fear nor doubt, I will conduct you safely. God and St. Benedict be with us. If I had strength answerable to my courage, by 'sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks. I fear nothing . but the great ordnance ; yet I know a prayer, which the sub-sexton l-W^S of our abbey taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence J » of guns and all manner of fire-engines ; but it will -do me no good, I }v**~ because I do not believe it. However, my staff of the cross will beat -j_i the devil. Parbleu, whoever is a duck amongst you, I give myself V*****. to the devil, if I do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper (swaddle) him within my frock, which is a cure for *\ cowardice. \\, " Did you never hear of my lord Meurles his greyhound, which (tf> was not worth a straw in the fields ; he put a frock about his neck ; by the body of G — there was neither hare nor fox that could escape him ; and which is more, he lined all the bitches in the country, though before that he was feeble-reined, and exfi-igidis & maleficiates." The monk uttering these words in choler as he passed under a walnut-tree, in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the stump of a great branch of the tree ; never- theless, he set his spurs so fiercely to the horse, who was full of _ mettle, and quick on the spur, that he bounded forwards, and the monk, going about to ungrapple his vizor, let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the monk left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help : " Murder ! murder !" and swearing also that he was betrayed. Eudemon perceived him firstj and calling Gargantua, said ; " Sir, come and see Absalom hanging." Gargantua being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he hanged ; where- V** - fore he said to Eudemon, " You were mistaken in comparing him , j^\t to Absalom, for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling V^\ . monk hangeth by the ears." " Help me," said the monk, " in the V> to Absalom, for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling V" monk hangeth by the ears." " Help me," said the monk, " in the • V* devil's name ; is this a time for you to flout 1 You seem to me the l * decretalist preachers, who say, ' that whosoever shall see his neigh- *}^*^ bour in danger of death, ought, upon pain of trisulk excoinmuni- cation, rather to admonish him to make . confession and put his conscience in the state of grace, than to help him.' And therefor7 when I sball see them fallen into a river, and ready to he drowned instead of lending them my hand and pulling them out, I shall make them a fine long sermon, de contemptu mundi, de fuga seculi, and when they are stark dead, then go to fish for them." " Be quiet," said Gymnast, " and stir not, my minion ; lam now coming to unhang thee, for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus : Mo- nachus in claustro non valet ova duo ; sed quando est extra bene valet triginta. I have seen above five hundred hanged, but I never saw any hang with so good a g race ; truly, if 1 had so good a one, I would willingly hang thus /aTTTriy life-time." "What!" said the monk ; " have you almost done preaching 1 Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit ; or by the habit which I wear, you shall repent it. Tempore & locoprce- libatis." Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and climbing up the walnut-tree, lifted up the monk with one hand, by the gushets of his armour under the armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken branch ; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. As soon as the monk was down he put off all his armour, and threw away one piece after another about the field, and taking to him again his staff of the cross, re- mounted up his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his running away. | Then went they on merrily, riding on the highway.*^ ~ CHAPTER XLIII. HOW THE SCOUTS AND FORE-PARTY OF PICROCHOLE WERE MET WITH BY GARGANTUA, AND HOW THE MONK SLEW CAPTAIN DRAWFORTH, AND THEN WAS TAKEN PRISONER BY HIS ENEMIES. PICROCHOLE, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat wherein Tripet.was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should have so run upon his men, and held all that night a council of war, at which Rashcalf and Touchefauuet concluded his power to be such, that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell, if they should come to justle with his forces. " This Picrochole did not fully believe, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country, the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses for skirmish, and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water ; and every one for their cognizance had a star in his scarf to serve at all adventures, in case they should happen to encounter with devils ; 88 THE WORKS [Book I that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water, as of the stars, they might make the devils disappear and vanish. In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country, until they came near to Vanguyon, and to the hospital, but could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon tbey returned a little back, and by chance, in a shepherd's cottage near to Cou dray, they found five pilgrims; these they carried away bound and manacled as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and Requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards Sevile, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were with him, " Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, and they, are ten times in number more than we : shall we charge them or no? " "What a devil," said the monk, " shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their number, rather than by their valour and prowess?" "With this he cried out, "Charge! devils, charge!" Which when the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore, even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted, who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk with all his force on the very middle of his breast ; but coming against his horrific frock, the point of the iron, being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of execution, as if you had struck against an anvil with a little wax-candle. Then did the monk, with his staff of the cross, give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion, and fall down stone dead at his horse's feet. And seeing the star (stole) which he wore on his scarf, he said unto Gargantua : " These men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a monk. By St. John lam a perfect monk, I will kill them like flies. . Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop, till he overtook the^ rear, and felled them down like rye, striking athwart and alongst, and every way. Gymnast pre- sently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them. To whom Gargantua answered, " By no means; for, according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair. For that such a streiglit doth multiply his force, and increase his courage, which was before broken and cast down. Neither is there any better help for men that are out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to hope for no favour at all. How many victories have been taken out of the hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy all their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home the news of the defeat of his fellows. Open therefore unto your enemies all the gates and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you may be rid of them." " Yea, but," said Gymnast, " they have the monk." " Have they the monk?" said Gargantua; "upon mine honour then it will prove to their cost. But to prevent all dangers let us sro O w S3 S. & a. S'O o sj a, p P-o gB tn CD m B ■I a - to "■Eh f 2 ^ CD h =3 p i S-e o P n> 2" 5" o g 5 s to H 2.o •-i co _ CD O tj- 8 2 Chap. XLIV.] OF RABELAIS. 89 not yet retreat, but halt here quietly, for I think I do already un- derstand the policy of our enemies ; they are truly more directed by chance and mere fortune than by good advice and counsel." In the meanwhile, whilst these made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging all he overtook and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper, who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried out, " Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me ! I beseech you save me !" Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made this great havock and slaughter among them, they lodged (loaded) him with blows as thick as they used to do an ass with wood. But of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. Then they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and looking about, saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and his party were fled. Then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, " Comrades, I hear the track and beating 1 of the enemies' horse-feet, a"nd withal perceive that some of themcome in a troop and fall body against us ; let us rally and close here, then set forward in order ; and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge, to their loss and our honour.'' CHAPTER XLIV HOW THE MONK RID HIMSELF OF HIS KEEPERS, AND HOW PICROCHOLE'S FOR.LORN HOPE WAS DEFEATED. THE monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjec- tured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. Then considered he the countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and. were always looking towards the valley unto which they were going. Farther, he syllogised, saying, " These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for they have not required my parole; neither have they taken my sword from me." Suddenly hereupon he drew his long sword, wherewith he gave the keeper which held him on the right side, such a sound slash, that he cut clean through the jugu- lary veins, and the sphaiitid arteries of the neck with the garga- 9 o TEE W0BK3 [Book 1. reon, even unto the two adenes, and redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow between the second and the third ver- tebrae ; there fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground; Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who seeing his fellow dead, and the, monk to have the advantage of him, cried with a loud voice, "Ah, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior, quarter, quarter ; my good friend, my lord prior." And the monk cried likewise, " My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have it upon your posterior rums. " Ha," said the keeper, " my lord prior, my dear lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot." " By the habit," said the monk, ''which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal. What do you use to pay ransoms to religious men ; you shall have now a red hat of my giving." And the fellow cried, " Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord All. Ha, ha, hes, no my lord prior, my good little lord prior, I yield, render, and deliver myself up to you." " And I deliver thee," said the monk, " to all the devils in hell ;" then at one stroke lie struck off his head ; cutting his scalp upon the iemple-bones and lifting up the two bones, brigmatis, together with the sagittal com- missure, as also a great part of the coronal bone ; by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges, and made a deep wound in the two posterior ventricles of the brain ; so that the cranium remained hanging upon his shoulders by the skin of the peri- cranium behind, in form of a doctor's bonnet, black without and red •within. Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead. And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broadhighway, and were so diminished of their number, for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly, and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted, and troubled in both sense and understanding ; and as if they had seen the very proper epecies and form of death before their eyes. Or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze under his tail, or fly that stings Lim, run hither and thither, without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him. So fled these people destitute of wit, without having any cause of flying, only pursued by a panic terror, which in their minds they had con- ceived. The monk perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels, alighted from his horse, and got upon a big large rock, which was in the way, and with his great brack- mard sword, laid such load upon those runaways, and with wain strength fetching a. compass with his arm, without feigning or sparing, slew and overthrew so many, that his sword broke in two pieces. Then thought he within himself, that he had slain and Chap. XLV.] OF BABELAIS. 91 killed sufficiently ; and that the rest should escape to carry news. Therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, passing his time to see the enemy thus flying, and to tumble himself amongst the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance, nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound, he made to alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the hedge, and also Touchefaucet, who was then his prisoner. CHAPTER XLV. HOW THE MONK CARRIED ALONG WITH HIM THE PILGRIMS, AND OF THE GOOD WORDS THAT GRANGOUSIER GAVE THEM. THIS skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory: and seeing them all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of the monk % Gargantua answered him, " That without doubt the enemies had the monk." " Then have they mischief and ill-luck," said Gran- gousier, which was very true. Therefore it is a common proverb to this day, To give a man the monk. Then commanded he a good breakfast to be provided for their refreshment. When all was' ready they called Gargantua, but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of, that he would neither eat nor drink. In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate of the outer court cries out aloud, "Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast, my friend." Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along with him five pilgrims, and Touchefaucet, prisoners. Whereupon Gargantua likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him of all his adven- tures. The monk told him .all, both how he was taken, how he rid himself of his keepers, and of the slaughter he had made by the way, and how he had rescued the pilgrims, and brought along with him Capt. Touchefaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily. In the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were, whence they came, and whither they went? Sweertogo, in the name of the rest, an- swered, " My Sovereign Lord, I am of St. Genou, in Berry, this man is of Paluau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, and this man of Villebreniu. We came from St. Sebastian, near Nantes and are now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys." " Yea 92 THE W0RK8 [Book I, bur,," said Grangousier, "what went you to do at St. Sebastian T " We went," said Sweertogo, " to offemp unto that saint our vows, against the plague." "Ah, poor men," said Grangousier, " do you think that the plague comes from St. Sebastian ?" " Yes, truly^ answered Sweertogo, " our preachers tell us so, indeed." " But is it so," said Grangousier, " do the false prophets teach you such abuses? Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind ? as Homer writeth that the, plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by Apollo ; and as the poets feign a great rabble of vejoves and mischievous gods. So did a certain old hypocrite preach, at Sinay, that St. Anthony sent the fire into men's legs ; that St. Eutropius made men hydropick ; St. Gildas, fools ; and that St. Genou made them goutish. But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my terri- tories. And truly I wonder that your king should suffer them, in their sermons, to publish such scandalous doctrine in his do- minions. For they deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country. The pest killeth but the bodies,' but such abominable impostors empoison our very souls." As he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and asked them, " Whence are you, you poor wretches ?" " Of St. Genou," said they. " And how," said the monk, " doth the Abbot Galli- gut, that true toper ; and the monks, what cheer make they ? Morbleau, they will have a fling at your wives, whilst you are upon your gadding pilgrimage." " Bin, hen," said Sweertogo, " I am not afraid of mine ; for he that shall see her by day, will never break his neck to come to her in the night-time." " Yea, marry," said the monk, " now you have hit it ; let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will not keep her arse dry, if there dwell any monks near her. 'For a good carpenter viill make use of any kind of timber. Let me be peppered with the pox if you find not all your wives with child at your return ; for the very shadow of an abbey steeple is prolific." "It is," said Gargantua, "like the water of Nilus, in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and Pliny, lib. 7, cap. 3. What virtue will there be then in their bullets of concupiscense, their habits, and their bodies?" " Then,'' said Grangousier, " go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the Creator, to whom I Dray to guide you perpetually ; and henceforward, be not so reac^y to undertake these idle and unprofit- able journeys. Look to vour families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and live as the good apostle St, Paul directeth you. In doing whereof God, his angels, and saints, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any time shall befal you." Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their refection; Chii>. XLVI.] OF RABELAIS. 93 but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, " O, how happy is that land which hath such a man for their Lord ! We have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us, than by all the sermons that ever were preached in our town." " This is," said Gargantua, " that which Plato saith, lib. v. De Republ. That those commonwealths are happy, whose rulers philosophise, and whose philosophers rule." Then caused he their wallets to be filled with victuals, and their bottles with wine, and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, to- gether with some pence to live upon. CHAPTER XLVI. HOW GRANGOUSIER DID VERY KINDLY ENTERTAIN TOUCHEFAUCET HIS PRISONER. TODOHEFAUCET was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, by this tumultuary invasion ; whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake bakers. " It is too great an undertaking," said Grangousier. " and, as the pro- verb is, ' He that gripes too much, holds fast but little? The time is not now so to conquer kingdoms, to th« loss of our nearest christian brother. This imitation )f tha ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios, Caesars, ind other such heroes, zi 4 L. i X^^.: + «arx_ to the profession of the gospel of Christ, by the which we are com- manded to preserve, keep, rule, and govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to invade others ; and that which heretofore the Saracens and Barbarians called Crowess, we do now call robbery and wiclcedness. It would have een more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them-, than to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere, for, by ruling his own with discretion, lie might have increased his greatness ; but by robbing me, he cannot escape destruction. Go your ways in the name of God ; do what is righteous ; shew your king \ what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own 1 particular profit ; for with the public will also be swallowed up the private. As for your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse be restored to you ; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends, seeing this our difference is not properly war. As Plato, lib. s, De Repub. would not have it called war, but sedition, not when the Greeks took up arms against one another ; and therefore, when such combustions should arise, his 94 THE WORKS advice was to behave themselves with all iMscretion and modesty. Although you call it war, it is but superficial ; it entereth not into the inmost cabinets of our hearts ; for neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there any question about us in the main; hut only how to redress, by the by, some pretty faults committed by our men ; I mean both yours and ours ; which, although you knew, you ought to let pass ; for these quarrelsome persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. " God shall be' the just judge of our variances, whom I beseech, by death, rather to take me out of this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine eyes, than that by me, or mine, he should in any sort be wronged (offended)." These words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all spoke thus unto him : " Friar John, my good friend, is it you that took prisoner the Captain Touchefaucet here present f " Sir," said the monk, " see- ing himself is here, and that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by his confession than by any words of mine." Then said Touchefaucet : " My sovereign lord, it is he, indeed, that took me ; and I do, therefore, most freely yield myself his prisoner." " Have you put him to any ransom r said Gran- gousier to the monk. " No," said the monk, " of that I take no care." "How much would you have for having taken him?" " No- thing, nothing," said the monk ; "I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it." Then Grangousier commanded, that, in presence of Touchefaucet, should be delivered to the monk, for taking him, the sum of threescore and two thousand saluts, which was done, whilst they made a collation to the said Touchefaucet ; of whom Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or cbuse rather to rji-.rfi to nisMng. Touchefaucet answered, that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to. Then said Grangousier, " Return unto your king ; and God be with you." Then he gave him an excellent sword, a Vienna blade, with a golden scabbard, wrought with vine-branch like nourishes, of fine goldsmith's work, and a collar of gold, weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks, garnished with precious stones of the finest sorts, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten thousand crowns more as an honourable present. After this Touchefaucet- got to his horse, and Gargantua, for his safety, allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and sixscore archers to attend him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the rock Clermond, if there were need. As soon as he was gone, the monk restored unto Grangousier the threescore and two thousand saluts which he had received, saying, " Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts. Stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand, is but as a blast that will quickly pass away : Coin is the sinew* of Chap. XLVII.] OF RABELAIS. 95 war" " Well then," said Grangousier, " at the end I will content you by some honest recompence, as also all those who shall do me good service." CHAPTER XLVII. HOW GRANGOUSIER SENT FOR HIS LEGIONS, AND HOW TOUCHE- FAUCET SLEW RASHCALF, AND WAS AFTERWARDS EXECUTED BY THE COMMAND OF PICROCHOLE. ABOUT this same time those of Besse, of the old market, of St. James Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the Kocks St. Pol, of the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brahemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, of Grandmont, of the town at the Badger- holes, of Huymes, of SegrS, of Husse, of St. Livant, of Panzoust, of the Celdraux, of Vernon, of Coulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Claud, of the Croulay, of Narsie, of Cande, of Monsoreau, and other bordering places, sent ambassa- dors unto Grangousier to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him ; and in regard of their ancient confederacy offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men, money, victuals, ammunition, and other neces- saries for war. The money which, by the joint agreement of them all, was sent unto him, amounted to six score and fourteen millions two crowns and a half of pure gold. The forces wherewith they did assist him did consist of fifteen thousand cuirassiers, two and thirty thousand light horsemen, fourscore and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred and forty thousand volunteer adventurers. These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double cannons, basilisks. Of pioneers they had seven and forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six months and four days of advance ; which offer Gar- gantua did not altogether refuse nor wholly accept of, but giving them hearty thanks, said that he would compound and order the war by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of it ; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing along the legions, which he maintained at his ordinary garrison towns of the Deernier (Deviniere), Chavignie, of Granot (Gravot), and of Quinquenais, amounting to the number of two thousand cuirassiers, threescore and six thousand foot-soldiers, and six and twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great ordnance, two and twenty thousand pioneers, and six thou- sand light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness- makers, and other such like necessary members in a military camp, o6 THE WORKS [Boon I. so fully instructed in the art of warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear and obey their captains, bo nimble to run,' so strong at their charging, so prudent in their adventures, and every day (way) so well disciplined, that they seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers. Touchefaucet, immediately after his return, presented himself before Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments, to capitulate, and make an agree- ment with Grangousier, whom he found to be the honestest man in the world : saying further, that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they never received any- thing but good ; and, in regard of the main point, that they should never be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and mischief ; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable, but that Grangousier could easily overthrow them. He had not well done speaking when Kashcalf said out aloud : "Unhappy is that prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted as I know Touchefaucet is ; for I see his courage so changed, that he had willingly joined with our enemies to fight against us, and betray us, if they would have received him ; but, as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected; and, although it happen the enemies do make use thereof for their profit, yet have they always the wiclced and the traitors in abomi- nation." Touchefaucet, being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and therewith ran Eashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his left side, whereof he died presently, and, pulling back his sword out of his body, said boldly, " So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame." Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchefaucet's new sword, and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent Workmanship, said, " Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith to kill before my face my so good friend Eashcalf ?" Then imme- diately commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood. Afterwards he appointed the corpse of Eashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of Touchefaucet to be cast over the wall into the ditch. The news of these excessive violences was quickly spread through the army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that Pinchpenny said to him, " My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of this enterprise will be : I see your men much dejected, and not well resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided of victuals, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four sallies. Chap. XL VIII.] OF RABELAIS. 97 Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your enemies ; but we so moulder away, that if we be once besieged, I do not see how we can escape a total destruction." " Tush, pish" said Picrochole ; " you are like the Melun eels, you cry before they como to you. Let them come, let them come if they dare." CHAPTER XLVIII. HOW GARGANTUA SET UPON PICROCHOLE, WITHIN THE ROCK CLERMOND, AND UTTERLY DEFEATED THE ARMY OF THE SAID PICROCHOLE. GAKGANTUA had the charge of the whole army, and his father, Grangousier, staid in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. As soon as they had gained the Ford of Vede ? boats and bridges being speedily made, they past over in a trice ; then, considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in deliberation upon what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto him, " My sovereign Lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they are worth nothing but at the first push. — Then are they more fierce than devils ; but if they be wearied with delays, they prove more faint than women. My opinion is, therefore, that now, presently, after your men have taken breath, and some small refection, you give order for a resolute assault." The advice was found very good, and, for effectuating thereof, he brought forth his army into the Elain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or rising of a little ill. The monk took along with him six companies of foot, and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed the marsh, and valiantly got up to the top of the green hillock, even to the highway which leads to Loudun. Whilst the assault was thus begun, Picrochole's men could not tell well which was best, to issue out and receive the assailants, or keep within the town, and not stir : himself, in the meantime, without deliberation, sallied forth, in a rage, with the cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received, and royally entertained with great cannon-shot, that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds, on which the artillery was planted; whereupon the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the vallies, to give the ord- nance leave to play and range with the larger scope. Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot past over, without doing any hurt at all. fciome of Picrochole's men, that had escaped our artillery, set most gS THE VrORRS \BqokI, fiercely upon our goldiers, but prevailed little ; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there knocked down to the ground; ■which, their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion that could be imagined. Some would have pursued after them and followed the chace ; but the monk withheld them, apprehending that, in their pursuit, the pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town upon them. Then staying there some space, and none coming against him, he sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate ; which Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades, under the conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the bill, but they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered. Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much indamaged by those that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows ; which Gargantua perceiving, he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn thither. The monk seeing that quarter which he kept be- sieged, void of men and competent guards, and in a manner alto- gether naked and abandoned, did most magnanimously, on a sudden, lead up his men towards the fort, and never left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that siuh as come to the reserve, in a con- flict, bring with them always more fear and terror, than those that deal about them with their hands in the fight. Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all those who were with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east-gate, where all the hurly-burly was, and coming close upon them in the rear, over- threw all their forces. The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves to the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very nobly granted them, yet made them lay down their arras. Then, shutting them up within churches, gave orders to seize upon all the staves of the crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. Then opening the east-gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from tha Chap. XLIX.] P RABELAIS. 95 town, adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the pving of a most desperate home charge, when Gargantua cried out, i±a, I'riar John, my friend Friar John, you are come in a good hour : which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook themselves to their heels, and tied on all hands. Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then sounded the retreat. CHAPTER XLIX. HOW PICROCHOLE, IN HIS FLIGHT, FELL INTO GREAT MIS FORTUNES, AND WHAT GARGANTUA DID AFTER THE BATTLE. PICROCHOLE, thus in despair, fled towards the Bouchard island, and, in the way to Eivere, his horse stumbled, and fell down, whereat he was on a sudden so incensed, that he, with his sword, without more ado, killed him in his choler. Then, not finding any other whereon to remount, he was about to have taken an ass at the mill that was thereby ; but the miller's men did so baste his bones, and so soundly bethwacked him, that they made him both black r.nd blue with strokes ; then, stripping him of all his cloaths, gave him a scurvy old canvas jacket, wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went along this poor choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Porthuaux, and relating his misadven- turous disaster, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag, that his kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the cockli- cranes. What is become of him since, we cannot certainly tell ; yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and choleric as ever, and always, with great lamentation, enquiring of all strangers of the coming of the cocklicranes, expecting as- suredly (according to the old woman's prophecy) that at their coming he shall be re-established in hi3 kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did, after his return into the town, was to call the muster-roll of his men, which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates, who was shot with a musket-ball, through the doublet. Then he caused them all, at and in their several posts and divisions, to take a little re- freshment, which was very plenteously provided for them, in the best drink and victuals that could be had for money ; and gave order to the treasurers and commissaries of the army, to pay for and defray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all, nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. And furthermore commanded, that, immediately after the soldiers ha ioo THE WORKS [Book I ione with eating and drinking, they should be drawn up on the Piazza before the castle, there to receive six months' pay : all which was done. After this, by his direction, were brought before him, in the said place, all those that remained of Picrochole's party ; unto whom, in the presence of the princes, nobles, and officers of Ms court and army, he spoke as followeth. CHAPTER L. gargantua's speech to the vanquished, OTJR forefathers and ancestors, in all times, have been of thig nature and disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle they have chosen rather, for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency, than ty architecture, in the lands which they had conquered. For they did hold in greater estima- tion the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality, than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, md pyramids, subject to the injury of storms and tempests, and co the envy of every one. You may very well call to mind the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons, in the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier, and at the demolishing of Partenay. You have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at the barriers of Spaniola, when they had plundered, wasted, and ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Talmondois. All this hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations which yourselves and your fathers made when Alpharbal King of Canarre, not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the Land of Onyx, and with cruel pyracies molest all the Armorick Islands, and confine regions of Britany. Yet was he, in a set fight, justly taken and vanquished by my father, wlwm God preserve ana protect. But what i Whereas other kings and em- perors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics, would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him to an extreme high ransom : He entreated him very courteously, lodged him kindly with himself in his own palace, and, out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition, sent him back with a safe conduct, loaden with gifts, loaden with favours, loaden with all offices of friendship. What; fell jut upon it ? Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he shewed them the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take such course, by way of compensation therein, as that the whole world might be edified by the example, as well of their Cha *- &■] OF RABELAIS. I0I honest graciousness to us, as of our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us according to our pleasure. " Alpharbal, in his own person, presently returned with nine thousand and thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country beside. For he imbarking himself to set sail with a west-north-east wind, every one, in heaps, did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs, and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkies, civit-cats, black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was accounted no good mother's son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had-. _ " Being safely arrived, he came to my said father,and would have kissed his feet : that action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced: he offered his presents — they were not received, because they were too excessive : he yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole posterity should be liable to the same bondage : this was not accepted of, because it seemed not equitable. He surrendered, by virtue of the decree of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all those that were concerned in it. This was altogether re- fused, and the parchments cast into the fire. In the end, this free good will and simple meaning of the Canarrines wrought such tenderness in my father's heart, that he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely ; then, by choice words, very congruously adapted, strove, in what he could, to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour soever he had shewed them, he was bound to do it. But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repeat thereof : What was the issue ? Whereas for his ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns^ and his eldest sons detained as hostages, till that sum had been paid, they made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year two millions of gold, at four and twenty carats fine ; The first year we received the whole sum of two millions ; the second year, of their own accord, they paid freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand crowns ; the third year, six and twenty hundred thousand ; the fourth year, three millions ; and do so increase it always out of their own good will, that we shall be con- strained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of gratitude and true thankfulness : for time, which gnaws and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth benefits ; because a noble action of liberality done to a man of reason, doth 102 THE WORKS [Book 1, grow continually by his generous thinking of it, and remember- ing it. "But, unwilling, therefore, anyway to degenerate from the here- ditary mildness and clemency of my parents . T do now forgive von r set, von at liberty, and every way make you as frank and free as ever yOH^ere before^ Moreover, at your going out ot the gate,' you shall have every one of you three months' pay, to bring you home unto your houses and families, and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred curiassiers, and eight thousand foot, under the conduct of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not do you any injury. God be with you. I am sorry from my heart that Picrochole is not here ; for I would have given him to understand, that this war was undertaken against my will, and without any hope to increase either goods or renown; but seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where, nor how he went away, it-is my will, that this kingdom remain entire to Ins son, who, because he is too young (he not being yet full five years old), shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men of the kingdom. And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, if the covetousness and avarice of those who, by their places, are obliged to administer justice in it, be not curbed and restrained, I ordain, and will have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that he be continually with the child, until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself. " Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and dissolute facility in pardoning evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterward more readily ; upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour, I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people of Israel. I consider likewise, that Julius Csesar, who was so gracious an emperor, that Cicero said of him ' that his fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every man :' He, notwithstanding all this did in certain places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion After the example of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime origin and groundwork of tiiis war, by his vain presumption and over-weening. Secondly his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in checking and repre hending his idle hair-brained humour in the instant time. And lastly, all the counsellors, captains, officers and domestics of Picro- chole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war, by pro- voking, praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us." Ooav. U.] OF BABEL A 13. 103 CHAPTER LI. HOW THE VICTORIOUS GARGANTUISTS WERE EECOM- PENSED AFTER THE BATTLE. WHEN Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men, whom he had required, were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Durtaille, and Smaltrash, who ran away six hours before the battle ; one of them as far as to the neck of Laniel at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third even unto Logroine, without looking back, or taking breath by the way ; and two of the cake-bakers, who were slain in the fight. Gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his printing-house, which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black- soille valley, and Burn-hag-field, and gave order, that the wounded should be dressed and had care of, in his great hospital or osocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges, and repaired all the losses, that, by their confession upon oath, could appear they had sustained. And for their better defence and security in times coming, against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be built there with a competent garrison to main- tain it. At his departure, he did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades, that had been at this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter quarters in their several stations and garrisons : the Decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier. At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast, the most magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king Assuerus. At the taking up of the table, he distributed amongst them his whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen besants or gold, in great antique vessels, huge pots, large basons, big tasses, cups, goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And farther, he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity (unless he should happen to decease with- out heirs), such castles and neighbouring lands of his, as were most commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond ; to Gymnast, the Coudray; to Eudemon, Monpensier; Eivau, to io4 THE WORKS [Book 1. Tolinere ; to Ithibolle, Monsaureau ; to Acamas, Cande ; Varenea, to Chironacte ; Gravot, to Sebast ; Quinquenaia, to Alexander ; Legre, to Sophrone ; and so of his other places. CHAPTER LIL HOW GARGANTUA CAUSED TO BE BUILT FOE THE MONK THE ABBEY OF THELEME. THERE was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made abbot of Sevilll, but he refused it. He would have given him the abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Elorent, which was better, or both if it pleased Mm. But the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never take upon him the charge nor government of monks. " For how shall I be able," said he, " to rule over others, that have not power and com- mand over myself? If you think I have done you, or may here- after do you any acceptable service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy." The notion pleased Gar- gantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the country of Theleme by the river of Loire, till within two leagues of the great forest of Porthuaut. The monk then requested Gargantua to in- stitute his religious order contrary to all others. " First then," said Gargantua, "you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other abbeys are strongly walled and mured about." " See, said the monk, " and without cause, where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy, and mutual con- spiracy." Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the world, whereof the custom is, if any woman come (I mean chaste and honest women) they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon. Therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman, entered into religious orders, should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be thoroughly waslied and cleansed,, through which they had passed. And because in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and regulated by fcours, it was decreed, that in this new structure there hould be neither clock nor dial, but that, according to the oppor- tunities and incident occasions, all their hours should be disposed of. " For," said Gargantua, " the greatest loss of time that I know, is, to count the hours. What good comes of it 1 Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world, than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and not by his own judgment and discretion." Item, bscauae at that time they put no women into nnanerie Cm?. Lin.] OF RABELAIS. lot but such as were either purblind, blinkards, iame, crooked, ill- favoured, mis-shapen, fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt ; nor en- cloistered any men, buj; those that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ili-bred louts, simple sots, or peevish trouble-houses. " But to the purpose," said the monk : " a woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she 1" " To make a nun of," said Gargantua. "Yea," said the monk, ''and to make shirts and smocks." Therefore was it ordained, that into this religious order should be admitted no women that were not fair, well featured, and of a sweet disposition ; nor men that were not comely, personable, and well-conditioned. Item, because in the convents of women, men come not but underhand, privily, and by stealth ; it was therefore enacted, that in this house there shall be no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women. Item, because both men and women that are received into re- ligious orders, after the expiring of their novitiat, or probation year, were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life ; it was therefore ordered, that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this abbey, should have full leave to de- part with peace and contentment, whensoever it should seem good to them so to do. Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows, to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience ; it was therefore constituted and appointed, that in this convent they might be honourably married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the legitimate time of the persons to be ini- tiated, and years under and above which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve to eighteen. CHAPTER LUST HOW THE ABBEY OF THE THELEMITES WAS BUILT AND ENDOWED. FOR the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered out, in ready money, seven and twenty hundred thousand eight hundred and one, and thirty of those golden rams of Berrie, which have a sheep stamped on the one side, and a flowered cross on the other. And for every year, until the whole work were compleated, he allotted threescore and nine thousand crowns of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged al] upon the receipt of the custom. For the foundation and main- tenance- thereof for ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of ioQ THE WORKS [Boob 1. three and twenty hundred, threescore and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose-nobles, 'exempt from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this, by letters patent, passed a Very good grant . The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there -was punt a gfgaT* round tower of t hreescore ieet in diameter ; and were all of a like form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of" Loire, on the bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east, there was another, called Calaer ; the next following Anatole ; the next Mesembrine; the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was distant from the other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole edifice was every- where six stories high, reckoning the cellars underground for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle. The rest were cieled with pure wainscoat, flourished with Flanders fret-work, in the form of the foot of a lamp ; and covered above with fine slates, with an indorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets, and animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt, together with the gutters, which jetting without the walls, from betwixt the cross bars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to the very ground, where they ended into great conduit pipes, which carried all away unto the river from under the house. This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly. For there were in it nine thousand, three hundred, and two and thirty chambers ; every one whereof had a withdrawing room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat passage, leading into a grep.t and spacious hall. Between every tower, in the midst of the said body of building, there was a pair of winding stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, part of Numidian stone, and part of serpentine marble ; each of those steps being two ana twenty feet in length, and three fingers thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest or landing-place. In every resting- place were two fair antique arches, where the light came in ; and by those they went into a cabinet (closet), made even with, and of the breadth of the said winding, and the re ascending above the roofs of the house ending conically in a pavillion. By that vize, or winding, they entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the chambers. From the Arctic tower unto tha- Criere, were the fair great liEraries in Greek. Laiin. Hebrew. , French, Italian, and Spanish, respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful winding stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch, six fathoms broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six men-at-arms, with their lances in their rests, might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower Anatole to Chap. LIV.] OP RABELAIS. 107 the Mesembrino were spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. In the midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate, as we said there was on the river aide. Upon that gate was written, in great antique letters, that which followeth. CHAPTER LIV. THE INSCRIPTION SET UPON THE GREAT GATE OF THELEMH. HERE enter not, religious boobies, sots, Impostors, sniveling hypocrites, bigots : Dark -brain distorted owls, worse than the Huns Or Ostrogots ; fore-runners of baboons : Curs'd snakes, dissembling varlets, seeming sancta, Slipshop caffards, beggars pretending wants , Fomentors of divisions and debates, Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits. Your filthy trumperies, Stuff d with pernicious lies. (Not worth a bubble) Would only trouble Our earthly Paradise. Your filthy trumperies. a Here enter not attorneys, barraters, Nor bridle-champion-law practitioners : Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, Wilful disturbers of the people's ease, Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath, That, like dogs, worry honest men to death. We want not your demurrers, nor your pleas; i3o at the gibbet go and seek your fees. We are not for attendance or delays ; But would with ease and quiet pass our day* Law-suits, debates, and wrangling Hence are exil'd, and jangling. Here we are very Frolic and merry, And free from all intangling Law-suits, debates, and wrangling. " Here enter not base pinching usurers, Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers ; io8 TEE WORKS [Book! Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, With, harpy-griping claws, who, tho' your chests Vast sums of money should to you afford, Would nevertheless be adding to the hoard : And yet not be content ; ye clunteh-fist dastards, Insatiable friends, and Pluto's bastards ; Greedy devourers, chichy, sneak-bill rogues ; Hell-mastiff's gnaw your bones, you Tav'noua dogs. You beastly looking fellows, Eeason doth plainly tell us, That we should not To you allot Koom here, but at the gallows j You beastly looking fellows. * Here enter not, unsociable wight, Humoursome churl, by day, nor yet by night No grumbling awf, none of the sharping trade, No huff-cap squire, or brother of the blade. A Tartar bred, or in Alsatia wars, The ruffian comes not hither with his bears. Elsewhere for shelter scour, ye bully-rocks, And rogues, that rot with infamy and pox. Grace, honour, praise, delight, Here sojourn day and night, Sound bodies, lin'd With a good mind, Do here pursue with might Grace, honour, praise, delight. " Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts, All noble sparks, endow'd with gallant parts. This is the glorious place which nobly shall Afford sufficient to content you all ; Were you a thousand, here you shall not want For anything; for what you ask, we grant. The brave, the witty, here we entertain, And, in a word, all worthy gentlemen, Men of heroic breasts Shall taste here of the feasts, Both privily And civilly All you are welcome guests, Men of heroic breasts. " Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true, Expounders of the Scriptures, old and new : Whose glosses do not the plain truth disguise, And with false light distract or blind our eyes. Chaf.LV.] OF RABELArS. Here shall we find a safe and warm retreat, When Error beats about and spreads her net. Strange doctrines here must neither reap nor sow, But Faith and C harity together grow. In short, confounded be their first device, Who are the holy /Scriptures' enemies. Here in the holy word Trust all, with one accord ; It will some help afford : Tho' you be knight or lord, You may find shield and sword, Here in the holy word. "Here enter ladies all, of high degree, Of goodly shape, of humour gay and free ; Of lovely looks, of sprightly flesh and blood : Here take, here chuse, here settle your abode. The gent, the brisk, the fair, whoever comes, With eyes that sparkle, or whose beauty blooms. This bower is fashion'd by a gentle knight, Ladies, for you, and innocent delight. This is design'd a place For every charming grace ; The witty and the fair Hither may all repair ; For every lovely face This is design'd a place." [09 CHAPTER LV. WHAT MANNER OF DWELLING THE THKLEMITES HA& IN the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair alabaster ; upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their cornucopias, and did jett out the water at their breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. The in- side or the buildings in this lower court, stood upon great pillars of cassydony stone, and porphyry marble, made archways, after a goodly antique fashion : within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned with curious pictures, the shorns of bucks and unicorns; with rhinoceroses, water-horses, called hippopolames ; the teeth and tusks of elephants, and other things well worth the holding (beholding). The lodging of the ladies took up all from the tower Arctic unto the gate Mesembrine. The men possessed the rest. Before the said lodging of the ladies, that they might no THE WORKS [Book I have their recreation between the two first towers, on the outside were placed the tilt-yard, the theatre and natatory, with most ad- mirable baths in tbree stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary accommodations and store of myrtle- water. By the river side was a fine pleasure-garden, and in the midst of that a labyrinth. Between the two other towers were the courts for tennis and the baloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard, full of all fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was the great park, abounding with all sorts of venison. Betwixt the third couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snap-work gun, an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a cross-bow. The office-houses were without the tower Hesperia, of one story high. The stablea were beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by ostridge-keepers and falconers, very expert in the air (art). And it was yearly supplied and furnished by the Uandians, Venetians, and Sarmates with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons, gosse-hawks, saeres, laniers, falcons, spar-hawks, marlins, and all other kinds of them ; so gentle and perfectly well manned, that flying of themselves sometimes from the castle, for their own disport, they would not fail to catch whatever they encountered. The venery, where the beagles and hounds were kept, was a little farther off drawing towards the park. All the halls, chambers, and closets, or cabinets, were richly hung with tapestry, and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green cloth ; the beds were all embroidered. In every back chamber or withdrawing-room, there was a looking- glass of pure crystal, set in a frame of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness, that it would re- present to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls, which belong to the ladies' lodgings, were the perfumers and trimmers, through whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies. Those sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the spirit of roses, orange-flower water, and angelica: and to each of them gave a little precious casket, vapour- ing forth the most odoriferous exhalations of the choicest aromatical scente. Chap. LVI.j OF RABELAIS CHAPTER LVI. HOW THE MEN AND WOMEN OF .THE RELIGIOUS ORDER OF THELEME WERE APPARELLED. I^HE ladies at the foundation of tins order were apparelled after their own pleasure and liking ; but since that, of their own accord and free-will, they have reformed themselves ; their accoutrements were in manner as followeth. They wore stock- ings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple die, which readied just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with exquisite embroideries, and rare incisions of the cutter's art ; their garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a little, both over and under: their shoes, pumps, and suppers, were either of red, violet, or crimson velvet, pinked and jagged like lobsters' wadles. Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or'vasquin of pure silk camblet ; above that went the taffety or tabby vardingale, of white, red, tawny, grey, or of any other colour : Above this taffety petticoat tliey had another of cloth, of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold, and interlaced with needle-work, or as they thought goo>.\ and according to the temperature and dis- position of the weather, had their upper coats of satin, damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, blue, yellow, bright, red, crimson, or white, and so forth ; or had them of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stun", en- riched with purple, or embroidered according to the dignity 01 the festival days and times wherein they wore them. Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth of gold, frizzled with a silver-raised work ; of red satin, covered with gold purple ; of tabby or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, -