CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND GIVEN IN 1891 BY HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE Cornell University Library PS 2245.L66B6 1855 Black diamonds or. Humor, satire, and s 3 1924 022 195 279 Cornell University Library The original of tinis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924022195279 The Professor in his L^bor-tory. %A-^M OF THE M KISW Y®BK PD©^Y(i!]KlS = BLACK DIAMOIDS; SB, f umor, Satire anb Sentiment, ^EEATED BCTENTIFICAT.T.Y BT PROFESSOR JULIUS CilSAR HANNIBAL. f£>v^>^, i^. H.J ra A SERIES m BURLESPS LECTURES, DAEKLY COLORED. OaiQEfALLT njBLISHED IN "THE NEW YORK PICAYUNB." NEW YOEK: T. L. MAGAGNOS, ' ASTOK PUBLISHING HOUSE, BROADWAY. 1855. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855, by T. L. MAGAGNOS, In the Clerk's OfBce for the District Court of the Southern District of New York. W. H TINSON, BTBREOTTPBB, 24 Beekmoii St> TO MT FKIEin), LOUIS GATLORD CLARK, EDITOR O; THE EKICEERB OCEGR MiLGAZINE, Who is among the first to discover, appreciate and applaud Genuine Humor, This Voltime is B/espectfuUy Dedicated, by THE ATJTHOE. PREFACE The old excuse, the " earnest solicitation of friends " to have the Lectoees of Peoi'essoe Haxnibal preserved in permanent form for future laughter, might be plead in extenuation for daring to inflict them upon the public in book form. But the author does not wish to avail himself of such excuse, and at once frankly confesses that the reason for thus collating them was, that he might sell them, and that the proceeds might be devoted to the novel purpose of supporting his family. The Lectures may be found very unequal in point of merit (if they have any), but let it be remembered that they were written upon a bed of pain, when the brain was slow to work, and the muscles had struck all together. When the simplest movement was intense agony ; when night brought with it no sleep, and the reme- dies of the physician insignificant relief. In all of the Lectures, however, the author has attempted hits at the prevailing follies of the time, and to draw u, moral therefrom ; and if some of the itinerant lecturers of the day should find themselves satirized, none will stop to weep. " A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men." If this be true, he may hope to brush away the cobwebs of caie froin the brow of the most learned, and carry smiles into the homes of all classes. If they are found to lighten the heart of the burden of life, and drive dull care from the weary, it is all that can be expected by THE AUTHOE. (HiniitjntB. tECICBB PAGll I. Introduction 13 II. New Year's Night Disturbance 16 III. Woolly , . 19 IV. Haiiy 22 V. Oily 25 VI. Indignation 28 VII. Horny 32 viii. Sykesy Taking the Butt 3S IX. The Ball Frog 38 X. The New Road 40 XI. The World as it is 43 XII. Facetious 46 XIII. The Camel 49 XIV. The Fall of Man -.51 I XV. French Without a Master ...... 64 XVI. Spiritual Rappers . . . . . . . .56 XVII. A New Recipe for Making Gas ..... 59 XVIII. Geography 62 XIX. Long Ears 65 XX. Matrimony 68 XXI. Truth in Poetry 72 XXII. Anatomy . ........ 76 VI CONTENTS. xxvii. Dogmatic . XXVIII. The Vampire XXIX. Joan D'Aro 99 XXX. Morning Walks ....•••■ ^^^ XXXI. Altering the Scriptures ...••• lOo XXXII. Nuts for Bostonians to Crack 1" ' XXXIII. Something for New Yorkers H-l XXXIV. Darkies in the White House 114 XXXV. Independence Day .....•• 117 XXXVI. The Elephant 121 XXXVII. The Hog 124 XXXVIII. The Bat 127 XXXIX. The Crocodile 129 XL. The B/hinoceros , 132 XLI. What we all Want 134 xLii. Vi&it to the President 137 xLiii. Phrenology ........ 140 xLiv. Mesmerism ........ 144 XLv. On Providence . . . . . _ . . . 147 xLvi. On Love 150 XLvii. Future Punishment ....... 154 XLViii. Acquired Habits , . 1,57 xLix. Slippery ......... 160 L,. The Booster - 163 LI. Long Island Mu.sings jgg Lii. Blunders in Hunting . . . . . , .169 Liii. First Love ......... 174 CONTENTS. VU LBCTUBB PAOa Liv. Will Travel Cure Love ? 179 Lv. Grand Reception in Boston 182 Lvi. Wise Conclusions . 185 Lvii. The Indian Summer ....... 188 Lviii. On Gen. Scott 192 Lix. Morality 195 Lx. Quackery 198 Lxi. Eook-Keeping . 202 Lxu. A Darkey Wedding Almost 205 I.XIII. Political Eeflections 208 LXiv. Following the Fashions 211 LJcv. How it's Often Done 216 Lxvi. Woman's Rights ' 219 Livii. The Result of Diligence 222 Lxviii. The Fellow that Does all the Mischief . . . 225 Lxix. The Slanderer 227 Lxx. Early Settlement of New York 230 I2XI. On Japan 233 Lxxn. A Long Disputed Point Fully Settled . . .236 Lxxni. All Signs Fail 239 Lxxiv. 'Displays Vast Learning 243 Lxxv. Deceptions 245 Lxxvi. A Trip to Washington 248 Lxxvii. Old Times and New 251 ucxviii. Some Account of Jersey ...... 254 Lxxix. Spring Time 257 Lxxx. First of May in New York. 260 Lxxxi. Ahsent Minded 264 Lxxxii. Flat Truths 267 Lxxxiii. Jnleous' Idia of the Hippodrome .... 270 ufxxiv. Summer Morning Musings 274 Viil COMTEM'-'. ^ rxaB LBCTDBS . 278 Lxxxv. Lying .....••• Lxxxvi. Labor in Vain * ' Lxxxvii. Hypooracy Rebulced ...•*' 287 Professor Hannibal Spirited Away . • • * 291 Lxxxviii. Adventure at the Crystal Palace . . • • ucxxix. On Shakspeare .....•■ xc. Politicians • ■ ^"° xci. "Woman 300 xcii. About the Old Enemy 304 xcm. The Lobster 309 xciv. The Monkey 313 xov. Pompey's Wedding 316 xcvi. A Hard Subject 320 xcvii. The Flea 323 xcviii. Uefleotions on Politics 327 Highly Important Announcement • • . • 331 xcix. The Resolution ....... 335 The Professor Goes to Europe ....... 339 First Epistol from 'Urope ........ 341 Second Epistol from 'TJropa ....... 345 Third Epistol from 'Urope 349 Fourth Epistol from 'Urope ....... 353 Fifth Epistol from 'Urope ........ 357 Sixth Epistol from 'Urope sgi ProfesBor before his audience. inSTTRODUOTIOIS^. LECTURE I. Fellek Sitizans: . I HAB come, as you all know, from 'way down in Ole Warginna, whar I studded edicashun and siance all for mysef, to gib a corse of lectures on siance gine- raly, an events promiscuously, as dey from time to time occur. De lettter ob invite I receibed from de komitee from dis unlitened city, was as full ob flattery as a gemman ob my great desernment, edication, definement, and research could wish. I 'greed to deliber my fust discourse dis ebening, but de fattig ob trablin in de kars hab jolted all de ideas out ob me, notwistandin' de kornductors was -berysibil to me, an mity perlite to Sister Bartolemevs^, wbo'trabeled under my 'tection all de way. Dey gib us fliss rate kar, an on de teamboat dey gib us fuss rate bed — sep'rate, ob korse. What you all snikerin 'bout? — don't you noe dat to laff rite out in meetiu am wulgar ? but I spose you don't noe no better. It am all owin to de brougtens up of de chile. / You got nobody dat noes notin to tell you notin. You will find de words o' my text'in de lass claws ob de ninety-furst chapter of de Pilgrim's Progress, whar it says — An* Simon said unto Peter, Let not dy conscience be made ob injin rubber, test It Btruch dy sole into dat lake which BQrns wid fier an' brinutone, kian pepper an* usefedity. 14 BLACK DIAMONDS. You must not spose, in de fust place, dat de Simon an' Peter 'luded to in de text was de Simon an' Peter wat libed in de time when Jerusa-lam was a little willage, an' when de possle Noah wore swaddlin clothes, kase it wasn't he at all. It was Simon Smock talkin' to he son Peter, when he lebe he fadder's manshun, in Tater-pelin alley, one mornin' on a c'arryin' in wood speckilation. Now Pete was a bad feller, an' would lie, and take tings 'casionally wich didn't 'long to him, an' de same 'wich may 'ply to you all, derefor I warn you get de tex by hart. y Dere am a grate many men in dis comunity dat hab injin rubber consciences, an' de most prominent ob de class am considered de lawyer — next de showman, and den de doc- torman. De lawyer's conscience will 'low him to struch it furder dan de rest, an' some ob dem hab nearly broke it in too by continual stretchin. One ob dese days, snap it will go, and den good Mr. Lawyerman, 'way he go to de lake dat burn wid all dem 'grediances 'splained in de text. Dis lake, my fritened hearers, must be a mighty big one to hold all de lawyers, if nobody else in de world but lawyers go dere, kase dere am seberal lawyers to ebery inhabitant troughout de State. Whar dis lake am sitewated am a puzzler to me, an' all succeeding stronimers dat hab libed afore my time. But I find, by what I can glean, arter . burnin' seberal quantities of midnight oil in deep and labo- rus resarch, dat it must be nie de gulf whar de walcanoes mountanes am, else whar de debel do de walcanoes get up sich a fire from ? Why, de cat-a-kize sez dat de 'rumptions ob Mount Wociferous can be heard fur seberal days, fur several miles off, previus before de fire fly, an' previously arterwards. Now, do you wish to noe, you poor tremblino' sinners, wat noise dat am dats heard 'seeding from de mount ? Well, I'll tell yer. It am de gTOnes, de lamonta- INTRODUCTION. 15 shuns, and de smashing ob teeth ob de wicked peoples who hab let their consciences strnch like injin rubber. Dis lake, my friends, am sebrel hundred miles in sarcum- ference, an' 'bout half dat distance round de edges. It am a hundred miles perpendicularly measured, an' no bottom hab been found to it yet, dat we nose on. De Rochester knockin' spirits didn't come from dis place, else we find out all 'bout it. Dere was some wicked sailors got so nie to de top of de mountain where de 'ruption comes from once, dat next day dey found demsefifs broke out wid a 'ruption all ober dere/bodigs, which de dockter struched him conscience 'fishently to pronounce de measels, and he condemd the whole proceedings as bein' rash. Dis drefull place am for bad colored man, as well as bad wite man, an' no matter how much you 'spize de moon-truck tribe on dis eart, you got to mix up wid dem in dat warm climate, an' no doubt many in dis extremely southern climate wiltbe found to hab northern principles. An' ole Simon noein dis fact, he spake outto de boy Pete to warn him from de greezy road ob sin, and pint him out de rite paff to kingdom cum. , An' now, let me tell you dat a man who possesses an injin ^ rubber conscience, and libs only to skin him brudder out ob him eye teeth, can neber be happy in dis world nor in euny Oder country; his sinful follies will fall on him own head, like a siege hammer on a carpet tack, and sooner or later he get smashed, like rotten egg in egg nog time. De more you tuist and turn dis fac, de bigger it git, gis like snow-ball. While Brudder 'Rastus Putts passes round de hat, de congregashun will please sing de useal Ducksholiday to de same good ole tune. 16 BIJVCK DIAMONDS. LECTURE 11. NEW year's night DISTURBANCE. My B'lubbed Lams : I IS almoss 'shamed ob myseff for 'pearin' afore you in de shape ob de 'pology ; but I better 'pear in dat shape dan in the shape of Satin. De fack am, I am so corn- founded and cornfused sens New Year's day, dat I don't noe wedder my hed am a bee hive or a saw mill, for I hear one minuet de bees in one ear, an' de nex I hear a saw mill in de odder, an' I ain't been able to git up a ginewine lectur dis time. I'll tcft yon how all dis happen. I made frequent calls on New Year's day, as moss of ob you noe, an' I was berry 'tickler not to 'tempt to karry more den my strength would 'low, kase I seed at ebbery corner men wid bildin' terials in dere hat, so I keep my top eye open. Well, in jie ebenin' I met de kummitty dat presented me wid my new year's, at Anty Clawson's seller, as 'prebeously before 'greed 'pon, and dey gub me de trowsers an' seckon'-han' boots, an' de ober-cote an' Hungagarian's hat, as I 'luded to you lass week, ah' arter de spechefyin' we had a little colission ob clam soup an' hot stuff. Well, de hot stuff was berry nice an' sweet, an' I foun' out arterwards mitey strong, an' by de time I drink a pint, my hed snap an' crack like a country tavern's swingin' sine in a nor'-easter, an' den I felt in a per- iec state ob happiness. Arter a little I rose to go hum to my wartus bed, but Brudder Libberlip an' Anty Clawson seduced me to stay all nite, kase you all noe it war a berry NEW year's NIUHT DISTURBANCE. 17 bad nite for peeple ob my age to be out. Welly I went to . bed dar, an' got asleep, but it didn't lass long, for de fast ting I node I hear a feller singin' to Mary dat lib up stares I speck, dat he war a settin' on the style whar dey set side by side. By golly, tinks I, you got a cold burth ef you set dar long, an' it wasn't a minnet afore de same feller assured me dat he wouldn't go hum till mornin' — till daylite did ap- pear. Well den, sez I, stay out j who de doose cars ? oney don't bodder me. Agin I dosed, when sum young bloods come to de winder, and brag'd 'bout dere bettin dere money on a bobtail nag, an' dat sum body bet on de gray. I node it wasn't me dat bet on de gray, kase I nebber hab money 'nuff to bet, an' I dont noe nofin 'bout lioss racin', an' I was gwane to git up to tell dem so, when I hear a woice cross de treet 'nounce, in a loud ke^, dat Ole Dan Tucker had come to town, an' was a W3.1kih' de treets 'round. Well, dat make me mad, to tink a pusson muss be woke up in de nite time to be told dat Dan Tucker cum to town, when we'd all seen it in de Herald in de mornin', if Daniel was worth rioticin'. I was gis gwyne to ti'ow my boot at him, when some kuller'd man near by kummenced beggin' people to carry him along. He wanted to be carried " down to de berryin' groun'," an' tote he massa not to cry. Dat made me feel bad, till -I hear de same feller tell his Susanna dat he cum all de way from Alabama wid a banjo on his nee, an' beg her not to cry for him. I was wrothy den. I felt boun' to get up an' lam dat chap; but my 'tention was 'rested by a chap rite by de winder, tellin' me in- a rfornfedenshul tone dat Nelly was a lady, but dat she died the night afore, an' he wanted all de bells toled for he dark Wargina bride, an' he had just poured his sorrow in my ear when a pate- rotic young Dutchman, 'bout two houses oflf, 'formed de sleepin' world dat de star spangled bang-danger did wabe 18 BLACK DIAMONDS. ober de hum of the grabe. Well, den,- 1 tink ebbery body must go mad, an' I turned ober to try go to sleep, when a party ob 'bout a dnzen cum rite in front ob de dors, an' sung out togedder, " Wake up, Mose, de fire am burnin' rouu' de corner ; de ingine comin." Oh, tinks I, dey hab mistook de house; so I got up an' opened de dore, an' stuck my hed up, an' tole dem to go long wid dere noise, dat Mose didn't lib dar, an' dat it muss be in the nex treet. Well, wood you b'lebe it, as soon as dey see me, one feller hcller'd, " Hillo! here's ole Juhus Ceaser Hannabel. Let's crown him King of de Darkeys," an' dey went to to the curb stone an picked up a barrel dat was a sittin' dar haff full ob ashes, an' put it rite ober my head. I holler'd " Murder " an' " Fire," but my hed bein in the barrel, nobody hear me but Anty Clawson, who got up an' exagerated me from my pe- rulus siterwashun, ob bein smudder'd in de ashes. When I cum'd out I felt bad ; my eyes, nose, an' mouf was full, an' when I blow'd em out, an' dey got so I cood see, dere stood Anty Clawson in her nite gown^ an' dere was I wid oney my linin to cubber me. I felt mity streeked an' dusty, but I shook off de moss ob it, an' went to b^d. When I fust looked out ob de cellar, to tell the lofers to go 'way, I seed a poleeceman on de corner, but as soon as he seed a row he skulked down a airy till it was all ober. Well, den I git a little nap, an' when I wake up I found I hadn't sleep'd none all nite, an' my hed felt as big as a new recruit on his fuss parade day; an' I aint got clar ober it yet. Some ob my 'ponents want to try to 'sinewate dat I was drunk ■ but de fuss brudder or sister dat 'siniwate dat fack will get red out ob de meetin'. I do b'lebe dere^was eder rum or camfene in dat hot stuff, or sumfin else dat make your hed feel as if it was a hangin' by de hair unconnected wid de shoulders altogedder. •WOOLLY. 19 De moral of my discord to-nite will be found in de lass claws. Don't drink much hot stuff, ef it be eber so sweet. I hope my 'pology am 'scepted, an' nex week I'll perpe- trate somefin' dat'll be a libin' monument to de siantifick institute. De coUecshun dis ebenin' will be for cole an' lites, and for to bye your poorly surported lecturer anudder shurt, kase de nasty ashes spile de only one I hadv Brudder Gustus Arlington Snubs will please pass roun' de sasser, an' be careful to gib back no change. LECTURE III. WOOLLY. My Steem'd Pken's : Habin' sumwat 'cubberd ^from de 'fecks ob dat hot stuff dat de kommitte made for me at Anty Olawson's on New Tear's nite, and also likewise from de 'fecks ob de ash barrel dat de rowdies put on my hed, I begin my lecturs on siantific subjecks, an' de fuss ting I shall call your 'tention am to de beaufuU cretur none as DE SHEEP. De lubly anamile spoken ob in de tex am konsidered won ob de moss inosent an' abused fellers seen in de spellin' book. He am a full bluded wully hed, an' allers sticks to he party. In fack, you seldom see dem separated de one from de odder, for de poet sez dat — 20 BLACK DIAriONHa. " Sheepa ob a wool All flock to one skool." • An' dat's a fack, for I nebber seed eny class ob de kommu- nity stick togedder so klose as dese fellers, not eben de Quackers or de Jews, an' dey allers follow dere leeders wid de same blind dewotion dat de polytishuns do dere different leeders, an' to 'splain dis 'kuliarity, I'll tell yon leetle anick- dote dat happen'd to ockur to me long time ago. One day, when I was younger den I am now, an' lib'd on my good ole massa's plantashan, afore de great le,bler Deff kum 'long an' karrid him off to de berrin' ground. I war a gwane to hoe korn in de feeld, an' I trow'd my hoe ober my sholder, an' started. In gettin' to de korn feeld I had to cross a paster lot whar a hole flock ob sheep war a grazin'. When 1 jumped ober de fence dey set up a terable blattin', dat sound like a kamp meetin', an' dey all run to de odder side ob de lot, jis whar I war a gwane. Well, de sun had. got up a good while afore brexfuss dat moriiin', an' he make my shad- der on de groan' look twice as big as me, an' my hoe handel's shadder look long as a well sweep. Well, when dese foolish sheep seed me a kumin' towards 'em, de ole he ram rushed pass'd me, an' when he kum to de shadder ob de hoe handel he jumped four feet high to get ober it, an' ef ebery sheep in de hole flock warn't fool enuf to do de same ting, I hope I may neber hab my sallery raised to a libin' pint. I laff'd tull I swet like race boss to see do sheep jump, and den I tort dat dar am odder fools in dis world 'sides dem, dat mis- take de shadder for de substance, ebery day. De oldest ram am ginerly de leader ob de flock, an' he allers look in de face like a man newly shabed and powdered. You will noe Mr. Ram by his horn : aldo, he cannot conwe- nantly blow it. He wares it more for ornament den use. - WOOLLY. 21 He moss allers hab too, an' dey am sitewated on de hed, jis like dey am on a good many odder sheeps' heds, found 'mong mankind. Sumtimes de ole ram gits in a fite wid anudder ole he feller, an' den he uses his horns to sum purpose, a bnttin' his antygonist. Dar horns am allers as crooked as a sate at law, an' sumtimes it happen dat dey git so dubble an' Iribley corkscrewed togedder dat it take dem a hole day to get out ob tangle. Notwidstanin' de sheeps am sich a inosent set ob creturs, dey am one ob de moss useful to be foun' in de hole book, an' aldo dey don't noe much, what, I ax you, kood we 'speck from a sheep's hed ? Dey ain't ob much use while libin', 'ceptin for dar wool, which am used to make flannel shirts for de African childern on de kost ob Siberia, an' dey am more lucky den moss odder people, kase dey only git fleeced once a year, while I an' meny odders git fleeced ebery day. De lam am de puttyest kind ob sheep, an' eberybody lub to see dem play, as ef dey war kittens on de grass. la anshunt times, afore de City Hall was bilt, dey used to offer dese lams as- a sacrifice 'mong de hedens ; an' ef yre am to belibe de butchers, lam am oflFer'd at de same rates now. De sheep, -like de poet, de hog, an' de foolosefer, am more appreciated arter .dey are ded den while in a libin' state, kase den dey am konwerted into sheep, lam, an' mutton. Dis latter dish am seldom foun' in boredin houses, kase de lanladies allers call it lam, if it am as ole an' rank as ded dog. Dere am no use ob my gibin' you a 'skription ob de sheep, kase you all noe him like a book. De only ting I will 'fur to am his tail, which am ob no more use to him den a pump handle. He don't need one, an' darfer he neglects it, an' dar it hangs down like a penny candel. History sez, dat sum ob dar tails in warm klymates grow so big an' 22 BLACK DIAMONDS. fat dat de shipperd hab to bild a little wagon to karry it in, which am, ob korse, fastened to de sheep, an' dat's de oney time de sheep tail am seen in a wagin condishun. It am not so wid de lams. Dar tails fly like a woman's tongue all de time. Brudder Griff will pleese han' roun' de sasser, an' pleese keep from trowin' sheep's eyes at de sisters. LECTURE IV. Ladies aito Gejimen: It am oberwhelmin proof dat a great thirst for nolage hab bin wakened in your minds, to see you all turn out dese cold nites to har your suspected"'lecturer lucidate de grate an' fundimental principels ob siance, and ef de coUeckshun wTjs only large nuff to buy a haff a ton insted ob a haff a peck ob cole at a time, your toses and noses wood be a good deel more comfurtable. I shall on dis 'tickler 'casion lectur on de history, costume, and occepashun ob — DE GOAT. De goat, my ignumrent harers, muss be one ob de moss beuiful anamiles in crisendora, or else de buck dandies would not try so hard to make demseffs look so much like him. It seems to me dat as soon as a young man's beard shows itseff suf&shent to indicate de approach ob whiskers, his ambition is to cultivate it to look like de Billy Goat, and den as soon HAIRY. 23 as a positive goatee am rased he puts on a crewat wid de ends stickin out each side ob he head, which make him look like a he goat wid a yoke on to keep he head out ob mis- chief, and den he may be called a buck goat. Dar am two kinds ob goats ; de BDly goat and de Nanny goat. De one am de hemale and de odder de shemale. You wUl see a grate many ob de former round de treets New Yeer's day, wen you ob korse kan 'zammon de anamile in a perfect state ob labender. De shemale goat gibs milk jis de same as de cow only not so much ob it^ nor is it as good as ole mudder cow's, kase you karnt make butter nor cheese wid it. De hemale don't gib enything but butts. De goat am found all ober town, 'speshely round boss stables mong de hosses. Dey am berry fond ob bosses, and like to sleep wid dem wen dey don't kick. He am a berry corragous anamile, and will fite wid odder goats till he die. I don't belibe dey tink demseff as good lookin as de dandies tink dey am, kase ef you put a looking-glass whar he can see heseff, he will at once, widout de least sarahmoney, raisg , heseff upon he hind legs and make fite at he own likeness ■ and butt de glass into a tousand pieces. Sometimes dey butt odder tings beside goats. Ef dey don't happen to like de 'pearance ob a sheep or a man dey will go at em like a honse a fire. Ole Brudder Sampson was butted off de bridge one day by one ob dese fellers. He had bin a fishin and was standin nie de side ob de bridge, and was a stoopin over pickin up he fish, when a big he Billy Goat, not likin de way Samson rounded up, rushed at him and butted him on de trousers and oberboard he went. Billy looked at him ' in de water for a minit, and dfen run and skipped round in de greatest glee to see de mischief he had done. He am full ob pluck, but we nebber see him jine eny ob de soger com- penies. He am a berry wicked feller, and it am easy seen 24 \ BLACK DIAMONDS. what am ment by compairin de wite trash to de goat. It am kase dey got de long har; and it am as easy seen who am ment by de lams ob de flock and de sheep ob de fole. It am de cullerd peepil, kase dey got de wool, and dar's whar we got de wite peepil plumb. In anser to de kummitty dat wated on me and wished to noe what would be moss excepshunable to me fur a New Year's present, I hab de honor to say dat I want a new pair ob second hand trouserloons mity bad, and my boots wants haflf solein berry bad — de snow has played de debbil wid dem boots — dese, wid a hundred Cow Bay clams, would be tankfully recebed, purwidin I git an obercoat and a Hun- garian hat wid dem. Brudder Lewis Cowsuth Mazzini Kinkel will purambullate de lectur room in de most 'publican manner wid de useal sasser, purwiding he kan see de bad pennies from ober dat toweriu shurt koUor. 25 LECTURE V. OILY. Chosen Children : As I liab heretofore an' heretohind 'splained de natur an' costume ob de beests ob de feeld, I sh^ll on dis great 'casioa spoke to you 'boat de beests an' monsters ob de deep, an' as I allers 'tack de bigest end ob 3 joke fuss, I shall lectur dis ebenin' on de big cod fish,, none 'mong de sayl&s as DE WHALE. De whale, my frens, am seldom found in enny odder place den de.Middleterainin, an' de Specific Oshuns, aide dar was a yung Daneish gemman, named Hamlet, dat de 'ppsle Shakspeare slew'd in a dewel, an' an old fogey, named Pelo- niiis, dat tort dey seed sumfin berry like it in de clowds; but it turned out to be a camel. De peeple dat go arter de whales am called whalers. asow, my ole skool master was a whaler; but he nebber was to see in he lifetime. But I'm off de track ob my diskorse, like a spil'd lokonjotiff. De whale am 'mong de fishes what de elemfint am 'mong beastesses ; de biggest lofer ob dem all. A fisherman, named Jona, swaller'd one once; but it oberloded he stum- muck to dat degree dat in tree days he leff 'em up agin. It war too much ob a muchness for him. When you fuss see one ob dese fellers at see, you see sum- fin' wurth seein', as he am spurtin' de water up true he nose, 26 BLACK DIAMONDS. like de Park fount'n. Soon as de man aloff, in de royal top-gallen main chains sees him true he spiglass, he sings out at once to de man dat got charge ob de seller dore dat swings on 'hind de ship, " Luff ! blast you eyes, luff !" Den de cap'n kums on de poop deck an' itqUs out he gemometer, an' takes a elewashun. Den you hear his woice, " Take in a reef ob de bowsplit, an' unship de hatchway ob de hen- koop for axion. ' Put out you jib an' tackle, an' take de kerboose house up stairs." Den you see de sailors run roun' like kittens, up , an' down de mass hed. Den you hajr de mate sing out tru a fire horn, "Ebery man take tree hitches at he trowsers an' a chow ob bacco, an' be darn quick 'bout it. Take a reef in de mainmass, an' luff go de rudder. Splice de mein-brace. Down wid de jib-boom, an' up wid de still yards, an' put on de pot. Now de 'citement begins, kase de ole whale am 'sashain nie to' de lubber's side ob de ship. Now, de cap'n bravely drows his led pencel, looks tru his ginbometon agin. Take down de longertude, lasses- tude an' a glass ob brandy. Den he get red in de face wid de 'citement, an' calls to de men, " Boys, man de botes an' look out for whale." Den de boys git in de batto bote, an' dey take de harpoon wid dem, tied to 'bout five miles ob bed cord, an' 'way dey row to de whale. When dey git 'long- side ob de monster, he look big as Cooney Island, an' den an ole whaler in white pants, straw hat, an' a long black ribbon on it, gumps 'pon de ole whale's back, an' gits up nie he hed, an' feels for a soft spot, which, as soon as he fin's, he sticks de harpoon in an' swims to de bote. Den de ole whale dives rite doun to de bottom ob de see, an' de man in de bote pays out de lined dat's fass to de harpoon, as fass as a man dats got a lor-sute pays out money. Arter de ole whale rolls heseff on de bottom, to get de harppoon out he hed, an' he sees he can't do it, he git mite OILY. 2T mad, an' kams up an' make fite wid de ship, an' hits it a crack wid he tail, which am as big as a full grown barn dore. Dat make de cap'n "smile" agin, an' he orders more harp- poons in de whale's back. Dis am soon dun by de krew, an' de poor whale kums Week from de loss ob blood an' he temper, an' gibs up he ghoss. Sumtimes he hits de leetle bote, when all de men am in it, an' stabes it all to tunder, an' 'way flys de men up in de air, like man kites, an' kum down agin kerswat in de water. Well, arter de whale am ded, dey cut him up in chunks an' hawl him on borde, an' sich stakes you nebber did see. Sturgeon am no suckemstance to 'em. Why dey am 'nuff to make codfish balls for all ole King Cole's army. When he am all cut up, de saylers 'pear to feel bad 'bout him, an' dey all go to blubberin'. Day bile de ile out ob de meet, jis de same as dey do de greese oat ob de mummys at de Museum, an' put it up in bar'ls. De bones dey put down de hole. De one am used for feedin' de luminary apperate- sus, an' de odder for makin' de ladies' korsits wid when dey ribe home to Nantucket, De whale am de big iish — de codfish aristocracy ob de sees, de same as de big bugs an' de codfish aristocracy ob de Ian'; but de former hab got de 'wantage ob de latter, kase, notwidstanin' de whale dewoures a good eel, he pro- duces sumfln, but de Ian' codfish aristocracy dewours ebery- ting, an' produces nulBn'. Dat's all I fine 'bout de whale, an' I read de Pilgrim's Progress rite true, an' it didn't say nuffin 'bout it. Will Brudder Woolly Dave pleese pass roun' de sasser, an' look out for bad pennies, kase dey will stick me ef dey kin. 28 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE VI. INDIGNATION. Deer Brudderm : 'Tis my wisli dis time To lebeoff prose, an' spoke ia rime, Jis to luff de wite trash see Dat I kin 'dress you in sweet poetree. Dey tink dey got all de edication, Dat no odder peeple in de nation Kin call de aid ob all de muses, But dey'll see I kin, ef I chooses. Well, den, to begin, you all do noe, Dat de wite trash am a gwane for to go To send de kuller'd popelation 'Way, off t' Liberia, in anudder nation, War de sunshine am so skorchin' hot, Dat its rays will bile de dinner pot ; An' dar, my jfren's, you got to toil. To make a libin' from de soil, An' aldo, ob korse, you will be free, An' each man hab his liberty, Dat liberty consists in de rite To work all day, jis like de wite Man, or else starve an' die, Like lazy wites in ebery conteri. Gub'ner Hunt, in he lass proclamation, Sed, dat de kuller'd popelation INDIGNATION. ^ 29 w War a dyin' out — meltin 'way, Like a bar'l ob 'lasses on a July day, Dat wite au' black togedder coodn't stay, An' tola de blacks to go away. Dis onsult, ob koorse, we coodn't pass. We met, and wrote him down — an ass. At de meetin' dar war sebral speeches. By brudders, dat 'moss buss dar breeches, Wid elemquence an' indignation 'Ginst eberyting like kulonization. We passed a wote by. acklemation, ' Dat de black folks best ob all creation. An' show'd de abolish'nists plain; Dat we cood see rite tru dar game. Ole Hunt sees de race absqnatchelate. But kan't tell wat produce dis state. But I kill, an' by your approbation, I'll name it — Amalgamation ! De abolish'nists won't let our gals alone, An' now want to send de men from liome. Golly! wen I tink ob it, my blud bile Like hasty pudding, all de wile. Anty Clawson sez she'd gib a doller, To hab a wite man try to fool her ; She sez, ef dey'd come roun' her, she'd^lam Dem on de hed wid Cowbay clam ; Darfor, I 'wise Bill Seaweed, an' all sieh, To 'woid de seller as dey would de ich ; But I'm off de track ob wat I ment to site, Wen I kum liar dis blessed nite. I ment tu lend my feeble yell 'Gainst kulonization, an' to tell Dis kongregation, one an' all, 80 BLACK DIAMONDS. Not to be humbug'd by de skeeme at all. Wat rite hab dey to klub togedder, To sen' de kuUer'd folks 'way, wedder Dey will or no ? I'll luff 'em see I'm a Kousutli an' Lolo Monkee Kumbined in one ; I'll show Dat I'm roun', an' boatf to blow. Ef we go dar, to work we got to go, A ting all darkies hate, you noe ; Darfor, I tink, we'd all be fools. To try to larn de use ob tools. Wat do we want to noe 'bout bricks. Or bildin' houses, an' sich tricks ? Ef we lam dese tings, an' sich like, We'll hab to work from morn till nite. No longer kan we lofe 'roun docks Or markets, but' muss work like ox — No longer dance de jig an' reel, - At Kafrine Market, for de lunch ob eel — No longer for de porgies Sing, Nor dance de juba in de ring ; All our pleasure will be gone away, When kulonization gits de sway. Tru, dar. we all wood lib togedder, One black man jis as good as tedder ; We'd hab our own laws an' skools, But wat's all dis, you simple fools. If you got to work to make it ? Darfo}, I say, de debel take it. De dandy_ darkey won't go 'way, Bekase Liberia hab no Broadway, Wharin, on Sunday arternoons, He kin sport he fancy trowserloons, INDIGNATION. 81 An' dandy coat, jis good as new, Only he boss wore it a year or two Afore lie did ; but wot ob dat ? De kuller'd ladies arn't so flat As to spurn a secon'-handed cote. Wen de chap dat's in it, wars a gofce. Dty neber ax''eni whar dey get dar close, Hence, it am inferred, dey nose. But I muss stop dis brilliant epic here, Bekase its growin' late, I feer. De sisters want to go a sparkin', Darfor I klose, by dus remarkin' — Let de kuloiiizationers do dar mite, You all kum hareach lectur nite. An' keep de subjick in a blaze. An' bring all de money you kin raise. An' han' de cash each nite to me, Kase I'm de G-ineral Kommittee — Dat am I'm one ob dem, I mean, But not one ob de gay tirteen. Will Brudder Kuff be so perlite As to pass de sasser roun' to-nite, An' look out for shillin's made ob tin, Bekase de lofers ring dem in ; An' as my eyes am old an' bad to see, Dey'm offen pass'd away b^ me. 33 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE VII. V' HORNY. Eflubiods Beuddern : You will find de tex ob my diskorse dis ebenin a swimin' in enny ob de fresh water ribers or ponds, trouout de country, an' ef you want to noe in pertickler wat dat am, I will tell you. I mean to 'liten you on de beauties ob de CAT FISH. Dis fish am a lofer fish, enny how you can fix him. On klose 'zamenashun he vill remind you ob seberal tings you' can't tink ob. He's as humbly as a boss hed skinned, an' he's all mouff like a clam, an' darfor he- am also likewise like a skoldin' wife, all jaw, an' he look like a cullerd man wen he laff, in de countenance. He eyes am on de top ob he hed, so he can't look down on eny ob de odder fish, like de big codfish aristokracy dat swim abuv Union Square do on de odder fish below dat inflated region. He am slimy as slander all ober, an' ai slippery as a gold doller. Sum cullerd men s'pose dat dese fish am sum 'lation to ole Belze- bub, kase he got horns like dat augustus personage. But aldo he wears de horns, he am no kin to de debil, an' ef all mankind dat am sitewated like de cat fish in dis respect, am to be classed in 'mong his 'latives, he wood hab too big a famaly to feed. Darfor I say unto you, in de langwage ob de poet, de cat fish am not de debil, more am de debil a cat fish. HORNY. 33 I sed in de fuss klans ob dis epic dat de cat fish am a lofer. I still stick to dat fack ef it "make Rome houl." De reeson I say he am a lofer am kase he distroys more den he earns, an' de mandat does dat am a lofer all de world ober, an' we all know dat de caty does dat ting. He am a sucker, an' like de lofer he Ubs by suckshun, an' sucks in he nabors, perwidin' dey am small 'nuff to anser he purposes. He am like de Canabells we hear ob 'mong de mishenarys, l^ase he eats he own children ; but I b'lebe he ginerly per- fers odder fishes' bodies. I don't noe why he am called de cat fi.sh, onless it am bekase he am such a pussylanamus feller, and pussyla.ua.mns am caitamount to bein' called a ramtonias. One reeson dey call him so may be 'kase he am so sportive an' kilten like when he am out ob de water. If dar am one fish dat de fisherman 'spise an' abhor more den anudder, it am dis same tom cat fish, kase dey fool em so offul. You nebber node one ob dese fish to take rite hold ob de hook like a 'spectable week fish or tom cod, No. Dey go sneekin' round de bate bitin' off de side a little now an' a little den, tryin' to steel de bate, an' it am only when you gib a galwanick jirk, an' hook him in de topper jaw dat you kotch him, an' den you may safely make up your mind dat you got him on a string. Well, wen you got him, wat den ? Look out how you fool your time wid him, or you'll get he horn in your hand, for he am sure to make fite wid you. Brudder Bob Roberts, ob Xew Orleans; rites me a berry perfectic story 'bout he, an heseflf, Simon Bines, he, an' heseff a gwane a fishin' to de lake ob Pont-cter-mar- tram, nie dat ■ Creshent City, whar de battles ob Lake Shampain and Erie Canal was fit, an' he 'scribes how he^ot de horn ob de cat fish in he hand, an' in slingin' de fish off he fell on de spot war Simon war jis a settin' down, an' 2* 34 BLACK DIAMONDS. Simon set on de fish, an' jumped up immediately, ef not sooner. But didn't Simon rub an' swar, an' didn't he lam dat fish ? May be not, an' may be yes; but Bob sez he war mitey glad he warn't dat cat fish 'bout dat time. De fate ob de cat fish an' de fate ob de green countryman am boff alike, wen edor cum to dis city, kase dey boff get beaufully skin'd. De former am allers well kooked, but de latter, aldo he am konsidered well done, he ginerly remains as rati) as eber. Dat's all I find out 'bout de cat fish. Ef de telligrafick noose sez enny ting 'bout him, I'll let you noe nex week. I is inquested to state dat de black swan, accumpanyed by sebreal wite an' black brudders, will ribe in dis city soon, an' I speck she will gib a eonsart at Pete Williams' or sum odder place. It am 'spected de 'wooley heds ginerly will turn out in one muss, an' 'scorch her tru Larence street an' de Five Pints. She will lay all de wite trash singers out cold : — » De fame ob Jenny Lind Will be wasted to de wind. An' no longer we hear de praises Of no more Cafrine Hayzes ; But all de praise will be let loose, On de black swan, alias goose. To make dat lass line rime, I got to say goose dis time. Sister Swan may not be sich a sweet singer; but she will be found a mitey strong one. Will Brudder Sam Slofield please to pass- round de sas- ser, an' stop laffin at de axident dat happen to Simon Bines. Sich' conduc in people ob hfsrsize am berry irreproachable, berry. SYKESy TAKING THE BUTT. 35 LECTURE VIII. SYKESY TAKING THE BUTT. Aeter settlia' de questshun as to who an' wat Mr. Aztic was, who lets his children be-made a show shop ob in Broad- way, I see no odder questshun dat 'quire de interference ob de larned an' siantifick, but one, an' dat am sartinly a puz- eler. De town am goin' mad 'bout it, an' unless I come out an' settle de hole ting in one full swope, I don't noe to wat pitch de peepil will git demseffs. Dar am no noein' wat wood becum ob dis cummunity ef it WUsn't for your humble speeker. I blush, as much as sarcumstances will admit, to tink dat I am de great leder dat ballances public 'pinion in dese days. De subjick dat I hab reference to dis ebenia' am call'd on de han'bills all 'bout town — PSYCHOLOGY. an am one ob de modern siances 'cnliar to dis klimate. Sykeology am deribed from de name of Sykesy, an' Sykesy war de man spoken ob in de anchent history ob Joe Sefus, who war so politely 'quested by Moses to -" take de butt." Dis history dates fudder back dan de fuss axedent on de Harlem Railroade, an' dat you noe am a long time ago. Sykesy war a lazy dissyple, an' nebber wood take de butt, unless he war drobe to it. He pertended to study siance, an' one ob his siances war dis, which am suspishusly called arter his name. Dar am a good menny perfessers ob 36 '^ BLACK DIAMONDS. dis siance rniinin' round an' doin' de peepil brown whenebber de}' git. a chance. As de public mind am berry much cogitated 'bout de matter, I 'eluded to go to one ob de 'xrbishons, an' see how it war done, an' settle de pint by tellin' you all I noe 'bout it. An' I tink I got dem perfessers dis time on de hip. Sykeology am a sister siance to musmerisra, mental acho- hal, an' de odder black arts or blygards, I forgit now which. It consists ob puttin' de folks to sleep, while dey am wide awake, an' make em cut up all kinds ob shindees wid dar eyes wide open. In short, it am gittin' drunk widoat enny ob de useg-l stimelets, an am considered by de lamed a new doge ob de temperance allegience. Bat I'll 'splain de hole ting to you, an' not keep you in suspended anxiety no longer. Ef you want to be frown in de state, as dese perfessers call it, you muss go dar, an' go up to de platform, an den de perfesscr look at you smack in de eye, as brabe as a sheep. Den he gib you a piece ob money to hold in your hand, arter he blows he breff on it, an' den he passes he hau's ober you face to pull de wool ober you eyes, an' den he can make you b'lebe you am Andrew Jackson Allen, Major Crawley, Gen. Jones, ine, or enny odder great man ob de age. Den he can make you sing a song, laff, or cry a hole bason full ob tears, jis as he likes, and arter dat he can tetch a bump, an' let you cum to yourseff, an' feel as flat ss^ my pocket book. Xow all dis seem queer, strange, an' unaccountable to de ignumrent ; but to me an' de ress ob de stugents ob siance, its as clar as lager bier. You all see dat dis delusion am brot 'bout by piece ob money. Well, you all noe dat money am de root ob all ebel, darfor it muss be dat it cum from de ole debil heseff, an' here I will state, for inflammashun, dat notwidstan'in' it am so much ob an ebel, all de churches an' all de preechers .'--^ SYKEST TAKIKG THE BCTT. 37 don't 'pear, to care how mnch ob dis ebel dar am on hand 'bout dese days. Well, den, dis money bein' closely related to de ole square foot feller, it am naturally to be s'posed he got a big finger in de pie, an' dis I tink am de fac. De in- fluence ob a piece ob money on some peepil's hands -am always different from odders; but Aven it am charged wid dis mental alcohol, as dey call it (which am noting else but de debel in a liquid form), it act on de Inmbolus muzzels ob de human sistem, an' de lumboluses aggrewates de artickalar fibres, which, actin' in a direct function on de catagory nerves, an' de perry nostrum wessels am conducted fru de culinary canal, which am widen'd for de purpose, an' fines its way to de gastric juces, whar it am mejetly sent by de tubical ob de heel to de brane pan. When de brane pan am full ob de influence, den you can 'speroment on de cree- tur, an' make dem play tom fool as long as you like, kase de creter am den as full ob de ole Belzebnb as a big wood- chuck. Now, you noe all 'bout de siance ob Sykeology 'bout as well as de perfessers demseffs ; but I warn you not to fool wid it, noe how, for ef de fluids go 'rong, an' you shood put de money in yon pocket, insted ob holdiu' it in your hand, dar's no noein' what de consequence mout be. Likennff when you " cum to,'' you'd find youseff colapsed in de Tooms, or some odder place ob recreation. Brudder Kel Longlogue will pleese pass roun' de sasser, an' luck out for bad pennies. It seems dat I git all ob dem, an' all de tin shillin's dat am in sarculation. 38 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE IX. THE BOLL FROG. My Suspected Friends : I SHALL on dis 'portant 'casion lucidate on de sianti- fick siances ob prolific genius, 'eordin' to natur. My remarks on dis 'ticlar casion will agin be fetched from de animal kingdum, 'eordin' to de 'possel Goldsmith, an' de critter dat I shall honor wid notice dis time will be ob de hull species. Now dar am sebril kinds ob bull, de bull calf, de bull ox, de bull dog, de buUefant, John Bull, an' de Irish bull, whpse fuss name am Pat Bull, 'eordin' to de Greek, an' dar's de bull hed fish, an' de bull what de Pope spoke 'bout, an' de Wall street bull. We hear ob de bull fiddle, but none ob dese, you black seed ob Kain, 'tract my 'tentshun in de leest, but de bull I speck to splanify from him hed ^;o him tail, am a bull dat hab made consideraJaZ^ noise in de world, 'specially summer nites, an' am called by us in nateral histry, de BULL FEOG. An' as I bin so bizzy ob late 'tendin' to odder fokes bizness, I ain't had time to study out de 'culearities ob de beest, I will darfor, for dis once, gib de 'pinion ob a nudder foolo- sefer on de subjick. I shall gib you de benefit ob de 'sarches ob Perfesser Pompey Godolphus Squash, Esq., who sleeped two nites in a frog pond to find out dar mosts operandi, as we say in Latin.- You will, no doubt, recumlect dat Per- fesser Squash war a lecturin here when I fuss broke out in THE BULL FROG. 39 de siantifick world, but de Drummond lite ob my geenis out- shone de feeble rushlite ob he talent for siance, an' he busted up, an' went out ob de 'Nited States to Jarsey, an''got a sitewashun in a lunatic 'silam. " De bull frog," says dat delatidated perfesser, " am no relation whateber to de hoptoad. He sprung from de family ob Pollywogs, on him mudder's side, an' from a poor man's plaster on him fodder's side, from which we draw sebral con- clusions. When he war polliwog, he war 'bout de size ob a second hand chew ob 'baccy, an' bout as nasty. He swim 'bout on de top ob de little spring — in de spring ob de year, till de hot sun make him grow too big for him briches, an' den one mornin' he wate up an' find himseff somebody else; he har looses de thred ob him tail, an' can go no furder wid' he story ob he progressive life. De bull frog am 'bout de size ob a piece ob hoe cake, wid legs; he head am round, samfin' like cat fish, an' he hab an open, generous count'- nance like a clam; him mouf am 'bout de size ob an opera singer's in de distressful passages ob " Lucreture Porge." His color am ob a grizly pepper, salt, an' mustard yaller, an' green, mixed up wid brown gray in streeks." Dar am little kuown 'bout dar soshul existence. Dar am no foolosopher xiat hab discobered wat dare tastes am for eddicashun, darfor no man noes wedder dey go to free skool or not, but dis I find- out myseff ! Dey muss hab singin' skools among 'em, kase tudder nite, lass summer, when I went home wid oyster soop Jack's daughter, ober back ob Bohoken, de frogs had a consert, which lasted all de time dat I war ober dar; dey made as much noise as de lawyers in de korthouse. De hind legs ob dese chaps am de Frenchmen's delite, dey skin 'em an' cook 'em wid as much relish as cuUer'd man eats de possnm fat an' hoe cake.' Dese fellers am putty cute, 40 BLACK DIAMONDS. too; you can't "get dem " on a hook," or " ia a horn," but you hab to nett de ting wid dem, or you can't kotch 'em. So fur, dar hab oney bin bull frog diskibered. As soon as dey find out dft cow frog, I will open de subjec agin for de wancement ob siance. Dar will be a meetin' at de seller to-morrow ebeniu' to take in 'siderashun de fac dat your suspected lecturer wants a new second hand cote mitey bad. Peter Glainin will please hand round de sasser, an' de collectshun will now be taken up to buy whitewash an' a new brush to clean dis room, an' 1 'pint Sister Johnson, Brudder Coles an' Sister Brigely de committee to do de same. Me an' Daniel Webster an- rayseff war inwited to de Picayune Ball on Monday nite. LECTURE X. THE NEW KOAD. Bi-UBED Sinners : De words ob my text on dis 'portant 'casion you can't find in eny ob de books dat hab bin printed, nor in eny ob de noose papers, kos I neber spake from dem afore, but neberdeless dey am giss as good as do dey had been sounded from one end ob de world to de odder, tro de tel- lugraff or Baalam's trumpet. De words am — "go to hebben your own eode." THE NEW ROAD. 41 I noe, my 'spected hearers, dat all de different 'Dominations will be down on me for telling you dis, kase dere am none dat will 'low you dat pribelige ; dey all tell you dat if you don't belibe jis as dey do, and come into de 'tablished church, you am lost obberboard in de big gulf ob sin ; all de churches am 'tablished churches, and dey all tink de rode dey hab picked out trough de miserable thickets ob truble, wexations, and odder grevences ob dis life, am de rite one, and de odders am all rong. Bishop Hughes says dat his creed am de only one dat will popelate hebbin, and de pris- beterians, on hearin dis 'sertion, held a meetin right away at de Tubernicle, an' contadicted de hole ting, told some good nany-gotes 'bout ole Giles Croggins' boss and kart, and 'spirsed satified dey wor on de rite rode. De Metodist, de 'piscopailfuUs, de Baptist, de Tairrians an' Worsilest, all tink dey see de golden gates ob l\ebben rite afore dem, and feel sure ob being 'wited in to take a sect as soon as dey nock at de dore. Dey am gis like a lot of skoolboys playing base, dey al'l see hunk, but all take a different paff, i^n order to git in fust. Now, my ungrateful frens, I don't want to say dat eny ob dese 'nominations am wrong, but 1 am goin to take m.y own rode, and cut cross lots. I am goin to do unto all I meet de same as I'd wish dera to do unto me — treat dem kindly — relieve all de sufferin'I kin along de paff, and when I reach de golden gate, I shall strip myself ob all de worldly tings, and 'pear w-id de Backed truff for my breast plate, and I tink by ilein myself all ober wid de ointment 'posed ob lub, charity, and faith, dat I will slip in while St. Peter am 'zaminin de credentials of Brudder Beecher and Brudder Hughes. If I kin git a chance to say a sly word to St. Peter, I'll ask him if charity- am one ob de principal foun- dations of Christianity ? and if he say yes, which I l^ink he will, den I'll tell him dat Brudder Beecher show no charity 42 BLACK DIAMONDS. toward de actor people, an I'll take his lectur on de 'bolishin ob teatres in my pocket, and show it to him, wherein he see dat Brudder Beecher sends all de actors to hell wedder or no ; den St. Peter will say, " di^t do^'t look christin like, but den Brudder Beecher got much charity and lub for de nigger race, of which you, as a member, should feel tankful and prowd. It shows 'clusively dat he lubs darkey more dan actor." Yes, I'll 'mark, dats a fac, he does tink colored man better dan actor man, kase de colored man don't interfere wid he bread and butter ; but I don't, so long as de actor man behaves hisself. My lubed Sisters and Brudders, you can all git to hebben if you hke, and 'woid de big lake dat I spoke 'bout toder week. To do dis, you mu,s go true de world wid a clare conshuns, kick hipocracy to de ole debil, where it belongs, rong nobody, help one anodder along in de trials ob life ; keep out ob debt and all de low rum shops ; stop playin bluff ; don't steal anyting, not ehen a chicken ; do as near rite as you.noe how ; and try to learn to do all de good your limited sphere of life will 'low, and you hab as good a sight for a front seat in hebbin as de loudest brawler among de whole tribes ob mankind ; you, ob course, hab got to do your duty jis as well as de rich, influenshul man hab got to do his'n, an' one ob your duties am to put all de money you kin in de plate, when Brudder Gustus Lemonskins hans it round. I wish to state afore closin' de shop, dat de Hannibal Guards, de colored company ob soldiers ob dis city, dat paraded todder day, was raised in honor ob myself, and named arter me, for' de great 'spect dey hab for 'spected laborer. Dere will be open house in de sellar New Years, and sister Johnson will make de ele chowder on dis 'ticlar 'casion, chowder ready from 8 " M.A.'' till dark, and little THE WORLD AS TT IS. 4B r arter, an I trust you will all joy yourselfs and keep sober. Santa Klaus visited ^sebral ob ^e early risiu' gineration ob dis congregaiimi, and left peanuts, baloney sassage, and odder good tings. Anty Cuff^ung up her 'toekin, but one ob de board ob health happened to " smell a rat," or- dered it down, else ders no 'noiu what might hab bin in it. LECTURE XI. THE WORLD AS IT IS. Dear Sisters and Brdddern : You will find de words of my text for this ebenin' in de 'gography written by an ole gouty gemman, named Peter Parley, de text reads dus, " Dis, world is round, and, like a ball, Seems swinging in de air." Now, my ignorant deciples, you must know dat dere am seberil kinds of worlds ; dere's de teatrical world, whare de theatres fust come from ; den dere's de literary world, whare all de literary come from ; deu dere's de world ob fashion, whar all de " bong tong " lib ; den dere's de world ob scianee, ob which world I claim to be a native. But none ob dese worlds am de VForld ment in de tex ; de world ment dere am dis sircumlambula busitarian world, on which we am at dis minute restitf our enlarged understandins. But how de foolosefers ob old find out it am round am a puzler to me. De fust man who said dis world to be round 44 BLACK DIAMONDS, was a schoolmaster dat libed prebiously just arter de flood, by de name ob So-cratcs, and de peeple all laffed at him, an' ole King Cruso, who rxiined at de time, seein' dat he node so much pholosphy, cotched him one nite while he was on a coon hunt, and got him into de Tombs, and pizened him wid mixture of padlock bark, and Mr. So-crates drink him down jis hke cider spirits, smacked his lips, pulled up his shirt collar, an' laid himself down an' died. He was a 'stonishing jierssin, 'eordin to Hoil's 'counts ob him. He libed in a sugar hogshead, and led a sweet existence. De next man dat 'serted de fac was de ole rheumatic genius whose poetry serbes your 'htened laborer wid a tex dis ebenin. De fac ob de world being round, like a big pumkin, seems to strike your understandings in a 'circular way, and make all you eyes look big as sassers. I'll e'splain de holl ting to you so you will know hencearter all 'bout it, jis as well as odder peeple. You must noe, iu de fust place, dat dis world am bounded north by de Pasiflc Ocean, as fur as longitude North Pole, an' on de east by de Gipsian Pira- mids, south by Witney's Railroad depot, and west by de Rocky Mountains. Dere am a South Pole, as well as a North Pole. De South Pole am made ob a mity big red hot crowbar, bigger den 30011 liberty poles, an' on de top of it de world rests one end ob itself on its axel-trees. De odder end rests on de North Pole, which 'eordin to Spoke- shake, am made of icebergs. De odder end ob de big axle- tree dat runs true de middle ob de globe rests on de top-ob dis pole, an dat's what bring new-year's day in de cold sea- son, and you see what keeps de world in proper equolibriam trimmins, and perwents it from upsettiu' earsterly or west- erly, -am de mighty Gipsian Pyramids on de one hand, an' de spontaneas Rocky Mountains on de odder. Dis I found out myself I Some times dese axle-trees want greasing, to THE WORLD AS IT 13. 45 make it slip round easy, an' how day go to work to do it remains one ob de " Misteries of Adolphin." I tink dat de arthquakes dat we read so much 'bout in de papers, am caused by de takin' down ob one or odder ob the axel-trees, when dey go to grease de top ob de pole. An' one ob dese days, my stingy hearers, de Nofth or South Pole will give way, an' bust up all creation. De wolcanoes will fall on de icebergs an' melt dem all up into water, which will oberflow dis world, and you will be swamped alive ! In sich a case ob 'mergeucy, I would 'wise you all to rush for de ferry boat, an' git on Brooklyn Eights, as soon as de will ob Providence and power ob steam will carry you ; dar you wUl find de wicked cease from grumblin, and de lazy am at rest. Dis watery pictnr dat I draw afore your distorted wisages may be 'sidered out ob place in dis season ob brandy toddy, gin slings, whiskey punches, hot stuff, au' Jersey lightuin'; but noein' you all got pretty well corned on new-years, I thought a more refreshing subject could not be touched 'poa on dis 'portant 'casion. I myself got a little dizzy in de head an' sick at de stomack, after makin' 431 calls 'moag my flock, which may in a small (horn) measure 'polagise for my disinterestin' discorse this ebenin. JS'oin dat, so soon arter de holidays, it would be useless, I fourbear passing round de sasser on dis 'casion. 46 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTIJEE XII. FACETIOUS. Ladies and Gemmen : My discourses dis ebenin will be drawn from de annals of sciance, according to Gunter, and de sciauce I 'tend to lite on your understandings wid, will be de sci- ance ob NOSEOLOGT. Noseology, my frens, had a good deal to do wid tings ob dis life, for by it you can tell to wat race every' man you meet in de street b'longs. Noseology, ob course, means nose ob de face ob wite man, red man, black man, half black man, and monkey. Dere am sebril classes ob noses, which was classed in King Crusoe's time, under de heads of Wegetable noses. Hook nos*, Roman noses. Pug noses, Grecian noses, and flat and Poke noses, and odder noses dat 1 nose not ob. De wega- table nose am wulgerly called turnup noses. Dese kind am bery prebilent wid young misses when dey git a new bo, ''if dey happen to meet dere old bo in de street. Anodder wegetable nose am de redish ; dese am generally found on the faces ob ole bachelors who had patronized de dimajog frequently offen. Some time dese redish noses wegetate and cumulate, one on top ob de odder, till dey am piled up like a heap ob pabin stones on a load ob red sand, and dis my ignorant frens, am what Spokeshape means by de tex, On horror's head horrid noses' cumulate. ' FACETIOUS. i*l De redish nose am often called de Rumen nose; de hook nose is most frequently met in Chatham street, 'mong de Jews; and wo be to de customer who gets hooked under dere nose. He's sure to be sold someting better ash new, and sheep as dirt. De hook nose is some 'mong de yankees up East. Josepii Miller, Esq., an elderly gemmon, node one wunst, dat had sich a big one dat when he went to pick cherries, he used to hang by de limb wid it, and pick wid boff hands ; dey made him President ob de hook and ledder company. De Roman nose seems to be a mistery mong all de foolosefers, and Mr. Milton, or some odder fur seein' chap, said dat No one nose What a Roman nose. Derefore I pass on dem kind ob noses, and splain de pug nose. Dis nose seems to be permiscusly sent by human natur to all babies, who seem proud ob dem from de time it am no bigger den a piece ob putty wid two holes in it, till it swell to de size qb de hickory nut. Natur seems, in gibin de finishin touch to babies, to hab hit dem on de end ob de nose and turned it up so it would not be in dar way in gitting dere sebril meals a day from de mudder ; dese little noses am none as Greesein, as de child grow up 'spe- cially on cold: mornins. De next nose under 'sideration am de poke nose; dese am de wust noses o^ all. Dey am ginerally long and pinety, and found 'mong de old maids, slip shod married wimming, editors, and now and den it am found 'mong de preecher mans. My dear deluded lams, beware ob' de poke nose. You noe dem in a minit by dere sneakingly, downwardly, pint- ingly 'pearance. If you don't look out for dem, you'll wish 48 BLACK DIAMONDS. you better had, kos day'll find out all your business. Noe how mauy sasiiigers you eat for dinner ! Whar you git your close ! How much you git for white-washing a day ! and sich tings, an' den go glab it on de corner an' in de cellar. De flat nose am great mark ob 'stinctionfmong de colored folks, if dey am not too flat. Isow, dere's young Sister Cole hab got nose so flat dat she hab' to put tar on her fin- ger to make dem stick long enuff to blow it. But you may tink I'm blowin' it. Not de nose, but de fact ob her habin' sich nose, but I only mention it in pint ob 'lustration. De next human being dat hab got flat nose am de mon- key. An' aldough dere am not a race ob men on dis cir- cumfering earth dat I so much dispise for dere lazy an' cunnin' perpensitys, still I don't wish to 'radicate no honor from eny section ob de great family ob human natur. Brudder Cato Puggs, who mistook de orango-tang in de Museum for his grandmother, and gib her a Christmas present, has 'plied to me to sew Mr. Barnum in de Sp6rm City Cort, to recobber de half pound broken candy, big orange and stick ob likeri.sh which she took from him widout eben saying tanky sir. I recline to hab no tin' to do wid it, 'case he ought to noe better. Brudder Klem, pass roun' de hat, an' look out for tin sixpences. THE CAMEL. 49 LECTURE XIII. THE camel; Brudders and Sisters : , I is glad to persebe dat a tirst fur noledge had agin 'sembled you togedder, an' I trust you will go 'way sassage- fied dat your ole and worthy speaker am, teaching your idias how to shuts. I hope de Anti-gamblin 'Siety won't tink I shute marbels, kase I'm down on all species ob dat, as well as Purfesser Greeley. Prom pitqhin' pennies you git to pitchin' quates, from pitchin' quates you pitch into somebody else, and so on to de end ob de pusseloge. But dis, my ' stingy hearers, hab notin' to do wid de subjic ob my dis- coure dis ebenin', an' I shall now endeber to lucidate dat subjic to de hight ob you xasperation, and not hide my lite under a half a peck. De pictur ob de subjic dis time I found in de Spellin' Book, and in de Gogrophy, and when I went in de wild beast show I find him dare chawin' away, jis as if he git dollar a day for doin' de same ; dere is no use in keepin' you in 'spenders eny longer, so I'll tell you dat de crettur dat I tend to splanify to you am no less a pus- senage dgn DE camel ! It seems to me, on lookin' abroad on human nature, human indolence, and de rest ob de 'rangements, dat dis beast must hab bin made last, for it strikes me wid de force ob a ten strike from Hier, dat dere wasent stuff 'nuff leff to finish him out in a 'spectable style, suteable for de 'siety 3 60 BLACK DIAMONDS. ob de rest ob mankind ; dey must had a large supply ob' lip leff, kase dey furnish him wid cben more den dey handed out to de colored race. Dey was putty well off for legs, and bones too, I gess ; but dere back stuff must hab bin short, and in a good many small pieces, kase it looks as if he" was spliced togedder in sebril places, and put on promiscuously, widout eben smofin' down, and dere leff to dry, ajid it neber be eny better wid him. He carries de rockey raountins on him shoulders, Bunker's hill on him rump, and de walley of Gee-hoss-em fat in de middle. His mouff am good deel like black man's, oney bigger, and more ob it ; but de 'spression, as de doggutotipe man sez, am berry simler ; he chaws de cud ob bacco wid de same ease and imperience dat de gem- mons on de stoop ob de hotpl in Broadway do, ouey de camel don't spit on de walk, to be wiped up by de ladies' dresses • as dey prumenade dat muddy toroughfare. When de camel move along, he look jis like two wolcanos stuck upou four beanpoles, and kivered ober wid a hoss blanket full ob coal ashes, he head stick up strait as a raw recrute in a s"bger company, or like Joe Cudgo, when he win twelve shillins in de policy shop. Dese animals was born among de turkeys, in Turkdom, and am ginerly brought up and edicated by de Arabian nites, dey kan karry more burden den eny odder man, 'ceptin always de Pilgrim Progress man. Dey kin go widout water from Saturday nite till Sunday mornin, an not git dry, but den in de mornin dey want dere bitters like odder peepils. De camel, you black rogues, am mentioned in de big book, whar it say dat it am harder for a rich man to enter de kingdom ob hebbii^ dan it am for a camel to go trough d* I of a needle. Now if dere am enybody I dispise in dis world, it am a poor man— he'm a disgrace to de community, and or't to be kicked out. I war poor once, myself, and I 'noe jis THE FALL or MAN. 51 how mean dey lib, an I'm down on dem like sledge hammer, bat I am sure you all feel glad you aint rich, kase you tink your chances for hebbin am better off, but look out for your- seffs, one ob dese days some body mite gib one ob you inder- pendentfortun, and den whar will you be ? why, I know whar you'll be, in two hoars arter you git de money: down^on Coney Island, eatin clam soup, if in de summer time, and if in de winter, ob course you go to de seller and treat all hands to a shillin' bowl. But I hope none ob yau will be 'flicted wid" a fortune, kase no camel kin git in de I ob a needle;'no more den a hog kin play de juce-harp. You will please sing de useal ducksholiday, and wamose as soon as de collecktion am counted, and not afore, kase a good deal ob counterfeit bad sixpences and pennies hab bin chiped upon me ob late, and I'm down on sich foolin. LECTURE XIV. THE FALL OF MAN. Mt Belubed Herees : You hab no dout herd many lexshures on, an many preacher men spoke bout de FALL DOWN OF MAN. De poet liab sung elaborately on de subjeck — de painter hab tutch it wid de faiery strokes ob de pencil — de most eminent warriors hab wrote upon it — de newspapers hab talked bout it — an it hab been a standin' puzzler to all 52 BLACK DIAMONDS. debatin' societies since de kommencement ob time. But, in my humble pinion, not one 6b dem hab trown de least lite on de subjeck : £tn' darefore, arter burning' sebril quantities ob midnite camphene iu de research arter facs in de kase, I hab concluded to splain de hole matter, so as to set de questshun at rest for eber arter. YotI must not spose dat de poet means, wen he sez " de fall ob man," dat de man Adam fell down on de ground by stubbin l»e toe agin a stump^ or a stone in de Garden ob Eden, or dat de apple he eat was komposed of sumpting dat operated on de nee jints, an made dem so weak dat he kudent stand ! for dat was not so. You noe, Adam an Ebe was made ob human natur, an placed in de Garden ob Eden, in de land ob paradise. Dis garden was de most luxurious spot de earth eber produced. Wen dey was turned loose in dis pasture, dey war told dat all dis magnificent place war dares an nobody elses. Dey war shown de big fig tree, war dey kood retrete from de burning rays ob de sun at noon-day, an dey was sHown de elegant bower made ob grape wines and honey-suckers, warein dey kood lay down at nite an sleep in peace and blissful innocence. But dey war also told dat all outside de fence belonged to de owner dereof, an dey must not tuch ennything beyond it, or dey would rue it as long as dey libed, an a good wile arterwards. In order to more fully splain how man kum to fall, I will hab to diskribe de siterwashuu ob de garden itself You see dis garden was on de top ob a high, steep, big green hill, frequently called Mount Zion. Dis hill was sur- rounded on all sides by a deep gully, an was fenced in at de brink 6b dis gully by a slight inklosure. Well, one day Adam and Ebe was takin a walk, an lookin ober de fence, dey spied a moss lubly apple tree on de outside, wid apples THE FALL OF MAN. 53 growin' on it dat shone in de sun like a new brass button in a nigger's mouf. Wen Ebe see dem it.make her mouf water, an she said to Adam, "Mylub, jis git one ob dem apples, for me, will you ?" " Shan't do it," said Adam, " kase dey don't belong to us." Jia at dis minnit a debil ob a big snake stuk he hed out ob de branches, an sed — " Look ahear, Mr. Adam, you must be green to say dat, kase dar aint noboddy else in de 'world to eat dem but you and Mrs. Adam, an ob korse dey am yours." " Dat-'s a fack," said Ebe, '' so yon stop your nonsense, an jus git up on de fence an reach me one ob dem apples 1" " I don't like to,'' said Adam, " an, besides, I don't belebe 1 kood reach dem, dey am so far oif." • " Well," said Ebe, " if you'm no more ob a ffian dan dat, I'll do it mysef." So she got upon de fence, and de snake gib her one ob de apples, an she in turn gib it to Adam, an coaxed him to eat. He took a bite an found it so mitey nice dat he jumped upon de fence, an den dar war a race betwfeen him an Ebe to see who Iseod git de most ; an in de struggle dey boff lost dar balance by reachin too fur, an oberboard dey went down in de gully ob sin. Dey must hab slid on der backs, kase dey am kalled de fust back- sliders. Dis, my frens,,was de " Eall ob Man," laded to, bekase dey was de fust man dat fell arter de kreashun ; an dey woodent "hab fell if dey had not wanted wat dey otn't to git. Wat a lesson dis teeches all ob us who am discontented wid our lot, and am grasping for tings beyond our reach. Here was Adam an Ebe, wid all paradise afore dem, an still dey war not satisfied; an jis so it am wid all human natur. Li BLACK DUMOKDS. My belubcd herers, de only way to be happy am ^to be kontent wid doin well. Let well enough alone, an, above all, don't envy de success ob, nor injure your n-eighbor. De world am big eniiff for eberybody, an plenty in it for all^if we only tink so. Hopin' you may profit by my hints on happiness, I will bid you all good nite, as soon as de kollec- shun's taken up. Mr. Whisker Ando Wiggins, de barber-shop man, will no doubt honor de company by acceptin de intended donashuns dis ebenin. LECTURE XV. FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. My dear Ignorant hearers : De subjeck for 'skushion dis ebenin will be one dat I wish tickler tention pade to, 'kase it am one dat must sooner or before interest you niitey much. You must be jis as well 'qwainted wid de fac dat de French langwage, diem- leck, or tongue, am gettin so mity common hBre 'mong de " bong tong" dat nobody can swasheate in dat sphere at all widout spoken it like a French book. When a waiter, a chamberniade, or servant ob eny kind are wanted, de fust question dey ax you am, " Pollij-woo-French-aV — kin- you spoke French; and if you say you don't know what dem dribin at, you will be turned out doors, as de most lowest FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 55 ob de wulgar. De French am inundatin' dis hole nation I Go war you will you see de little romid-eyed mustachered Frenchmen, who am courted by de ladies aud fondled jis like a lap-dog. In fac tings am b'comin' so berry mush French here, dat ef I don't hab my sallary raised to a libin' pint soon, I'll set up a frog soupery, and teach de langwage for a libin' . Takin' dese tings into 'sideration, I tort it best to gib you a few hints on de diamlect to-nite, so you kin spoke 'nuff to let de people see dat yew wasn't born in de woods. If yew all git out your note books, and put down wat I say in French, to-morrow moraiu' yen kin' suffer ^t up, and git it by heart. When you meet a lady 'fishently edemcated tO spoke French (ab coarse you needn't trow away your larniii' on de mail sex), you will unc^ress her wid "Bone saw!" Dat means good ebenin. Den she will say, "Come, o wo port wine," dat means how do you do ? Den you say, " Jinny fought for leans," dats " I am pretty well marm.'' Den she will as you " Kill novela av a beas 1" Dat means " Wat's de news ?" Den you say, " Nous verrons." Dat means Colonel .Webb's got home, and looks " distingeree.'' Den when you turn to leabe, you trow lubin glances at her, and bow yourself out, observin', " oh reservoy," dat means "good bye.'? Wid dese few lessons, I tint yew kin git along, and learn French widout a master. "Trees beam ; Allez vous le Dialle C'ochon Kiskade de Sompray ; E JPluribws Christy, Alle wo de frog chowder.'' De second claws ob my discorse will, like a good many odder man's lecturs, hab notin to do wid de fast ; but in dis claws I 'spectfully beg lebe to draw your 'tention to somfin dat cum to my noUage dis-day, and dat am de fac dat Elder Brockus was seen late lass Sunday nite a slingTng heself round de corner ob Antony street wid" dat yaller widder wat stole de big spoon out ob de sel- 56 BLACK DIAMONDS. ler, wat dej' lable up de clam soup wid. I didn't noe wat de ole darkey wanted wid iier, at sich a late hour, or wat he wanted in- dat naborhood a tall ; so I called on him to-day at de boot blackin' 'stablishment in Orange street, and put it io him strate. He say he was argufying de case wid her bout de spoon, and she say dat ant Wan Rumseller put a tin sixpence on her, todder nite, and den she swore she didn't, and den dere was a fite, and ole Anty Wan Rumseller went to hit her ober de hed wid de spoon, and she grabbed it out ob her hand and kept it. All dis may be facs, but I warn all de young coUored men to keep away from de yaller widder. She's a .scorcher. Brudder Dolfin Smith will please take up de coUeckshun, and look out for puter. LBCTTJRE XVI. spieitual rappees. Laties and Geiimbn : By de 'tickler inquest ob sebril ladies 'tached to dis congregation I shall dis ebenin' distort my remarks for your edication on de " Rochester Xookeks," and I must 'spress my great sassagefaction ob seein' so many ob de fair sex present on dis portant 'casion. De Rochester ISfockers hab claimed de 'tention ob de pub- lic mind for a year or two, and so excited de nerres ob Pro- SPIRITUAL RAPPERS. 57 fessor Greeley, dat he immediately took to eatiu' beef-stake and onions, instead ob de sa^-dust puddiii' ob Mr. -Graham to raise his spunk 'flshently to unwestigate de matter in a proper manner, in all its rawiificatians. De fast de world ebber node ob Rochester Nockers was durin' de rain ob Kiilg Charles de Second ob England. De fust Rochester Nocker on record am de Earl ob Rochester, who is sed to nock around more den eny udder man ob his time, specely 'mong de ladies. Dis gemraan was none to gib scbril nocks on de head ob people who made it dere bisness to attend to his instead ob dere own. Dey say he was one ob de nockers when he got in a nluss ; he could always fite his wait, let kim find it war he would. De next notice de public hab ob Rochester ]S^ockers was in de village beariu' dat name, siti- wated jis back ob Albany, war de House ob Kongress sets, in de Kourt ob Sessions. Here a party ob high spirits con- gregated, an' nocked tables an' chairs about in de most misterious and promisquis manner, at a dollar a head; and de fun ob it am, none ob de^e spirits can be seen; but dey am like de good boys my grandfadder used to tell me 'bout, " dey am heard but not seen." Dis fac set de country in a blaze, an' sebril preacher mans lindertook to sleep in de house war de "spirits" was a cuttin' up, but most ob dem got enough ob it afore mornin', and came to breakfast so agemtated, dat dey could not tell a sassage from a piece ob eel, and dey always left, forgitin' to pay for dere logins; howeber, as dis last claws is frequently noticed 'mong de clergy, it may not be 'sidered strange in dis case. Dere was a curious case ob Nockin 'curred in a cuUered family in dat city one night lass winter, which may be set down as bein' done by bad spirits. De facs ob de casfr am dese : Old Tone Smock married a putty, likely lookin' molatto 3* 58 BLACK DIAMONDS. ga], most ten years his junitoe, and went and dwelt in dis same town of Rochester, and one nite ole Tone was 'gaged to sit up and watch at de house, war de nockers was a gibia dere exhimbishions, and it so happened dat he got frighten- ed, and run home in de middle ob de nite time, and swore he'd neber hab notin' to do wid eny spirit, 'septin' dose ob de most ardent character. When lie reached his house, he put his hand true de broken paue ob glass, and onbolted de dore, and in he went smack dab, as de Yankees say, into his bed-room, which so skared his wife dat she hollar fire. In de 'fusion he tort he hear somebody slip under de bed, but he was so frightened wid de nockers, dat he daesent look for fear he find a bad spirit. So he slipped off he close, and he slipped into bed and covered he head wid de bed close, shakin' like de reputation ob some ob de Wall street brqk- ers. Well, he hadn't bin in bed long, and his wife had gis finished sayin' she didn't b'lieve he was at de hunted house a-tall, but had bin arter de gals, when he felt somefin' push ' up from under de bed dat feel jis like de back ob camel, and at de same time he heard a knock on de floor, jis like a cul- lered man's heel, and a noise as if somebody rush towards de doe, and as he raised his head from under de close he seed a tall dark figar slope out ob de house. Dis skared him more dan eber, and he nily turned white. " Wat's dat ?" he gasped to Mrs Smock. " Wat ?" axed she, as innocent as chile. " Dat big ting, jis lebe de house." " I didn't see any big ting ; lay down ; does delish nock- ers ober dere to Foxes set you crazy ; lay down ; notin' bin here." Well, Tone lay down, but not to sleep. He kipt his top eye open, till daylite, when to his surprise and wonder he seed a man's hat settin on de table. He sprang to de table, A NEW EECirE FOB ilAKIXG QAS. 59 seized de hat, and spelt out de name of Deacon Smellgood, on de lineiu'. " Wat de debil brought Deacon Smellgood's hat here ? Tell me quick, or I smash somebody," exclaimed ole Tone, mad as tunder. Mrs. Smock said de Deacon left it dere yesterday, to hab her sow de linin in it, and dis petrified ole Tone, and he said no more ;'but in a day or two he met de deacon, and widout hesemtation nocked him down. A reglar fite come off, and Tone was found to be one ob de best Rochester Nockers in de hole digging. Dat's all I nose about de nockers. I don't want to sinemwate notin agin de character ob Mrs Smock. I don't noe notin about her. I don't noe whar she git her shiney earrings and brespins, and sich tings"; dere's no noin' whar dat new striped silk dress come from, nudder ; but I shan't 'lucidate no more to-nite. Brudder Blower will please hand round de sasser, and remember dat we neber gib change back on no condishun. LECTURE XVII, a new kecipe for making sa3. Belubed Brederen and Sisters : De argument dis ebenin' are one ob de brightest sub- jects dat can possibly be concebed ; an' aldo it are a light one, you will pefcebe de necessity ob fully understandin' it 'mid odder more waity articles ; and widout furder prelunbi- nary, I will at once succeed to you on de foolosofy ob de 60 BLACK DIAMONDS. undertakia'. De subjeck, den, for dis ebenin' will be on de manufacture and consumption of GAS. When I say gass, you musn't 'spose dat I mean de cam fene gass dat am sold for gin in de tree cent grog shops ; nor de gass used by de editors ob de daily papers wen dey speak ob 'nexin' Kuba an' odder inflated planets; but de gass I mean am ob de infernal regins wat used to be sitewated in Center street, de gass house. De gass dat am made in de gass house am sent trew ebery street in de city by " der machine," jis like de hart trows de blood trow ebery wane ob de human body, only not half so pleasant or reglar. Dey used to make gass wen I was a stugent at de free school, out ob tar and rosin ; and den de gass was much clearer dan now-a-days, as it burned briter and, cost less ; but now dey got makin' it wid coal and oder chemical commodities, which make it cost more dan in de olden time ; and de Lord nose it am much wurser dan it war den ; but dat's notin, as long as it comes higher, an' am fashionable, de people will use it. Dere seems to be a mity big eel ob mistery.'bout de gass bisiness. It burns by de feet, an' at a short meter rate ; aldo de company hab a 'ticklar meter ob dere own, which dey lends to ebery body who burns de gass, an' are willin to pay a high rent for it. You will not find dis 'ticklar meter in de music book ; but it am generally found behind de doe or de counter ob de storekeepers. Dis article looks little like a small sheet iron stove, an' has a face somefin' like a clock, wid a long hand op it. Well, ebery month, a man wid a book an' pencil in him hand comes round, an' arter lookin' at de size ob de shop, and calculatin' de amount ob bizness done by de owner, he bery mysteriously opens de A NEW KECIPiS FOE MAKING GAS. 61 " 'tickler meter," an' as mysteriously chalks somefin down in he book, an' lebes de store. In a day or two arter dat a bill comes in, statin' dat de company will walk into you so many feet. If you 'spostulate wid dem, an' say you neber burned dat amount afore, dey will tell you " if yoa didn't you ought to," an' dat if de bUl am not lickerdated at once, de gass pipes will be " tuck up " afore nite. Now de queshun am dis — am it rite dat de city fadders— de policemen, should 'low dere children to be 'posed on in dis triumfant manner ? I answer in de most elefant manner — no 1 no 1 I But, says some ob you, who keep oyster and barber's shops, war^s de remedy ? Must we burti spirit gass an' ile till a man am 'leckted dat will 'liten de city on dat point on him own hook ? ' Again, your 'spected lecturer answers elefantly — no 1 Wat den ? Why make your own gas I am now coming to de most skyantific porshun ob my discord, an' I wish dat Mister William Henry Harrison Peters, an' Miss Florinda Jemima Watts, will please stop gabblin' till I 'splain myself to de utmost capacity. I do wish people would do dere coortin' at home. I hab, my frens, been studyin' de art ob de manufacture ob gass, to show you how easy it am made. I been reedin' all de gassy writers since de days of Josephus, de ole closemaa down to de days ob Professor Greeley, an' I is fully 'swaded dat I nose all 'bout it, an', derefore, widout bein' gassy myseff, I will 'splain how ebery body can make dere own gass in dere own house. In de fuss place, you must get a big iron pot, an' hab a kiber dat fit it 'zactly, den you put in haflf peck ob tar, four quarts ob rossin, an' a peck ob antecrite coal, an' den put on de, kiber, an' hang it ober a fier ob forty-two degrees north latitude below zebra, by ninety-four de oder way, an' bile it seben hours in de arter- noon ; and den, wen it get to ten hundred an'- thirty-nine 62 BLACK DIAMONDS. below the equinoxial line, nock a hole in de pot kiber, an' stick in your gass pipe ; den run to de winder, turn on do gass, an' lite it. Cat's de triumph ob genius ober de gas . monopoly." Wat's dat Pete Williams axes ? " 'Spose de gass won't lite, wat's to be done den ?" Well, if de gas won't lite, dere must be some fault in de ingredency, an' not in de manufacture, no how. Your belubed lecturer hab offen been axed by de out- .siders, wat we lite our lecture-room wid, an' I always tell dem dat we rely on de bright eyes ob de lubly fair sex to trow a hello ob lite round de room 'fishent for ordinary purposes, wid de aid ob a few candles. I shall take up de colleckshun myself dis week. Brudder Beecher was 'posed on last week wid tin sixpences. LECTURE XVIII. GEOGHAPHT. SiNSEAE Sinners : Dis ebenin' I 'tend to spoke to you on a moss 'port- ant subjeck — one dat forms one ob de great principals ob 'fined eddication an' 'lunor siance, an' while I am spoken I hope dat Long Island Jake an' Miss Florinda Tompson will stop a gigglin' an' lafBh', an' dat Bill Ledderhed will stop crunchin' pea-nuts. I will now kummence summin' up de bewties ob g'ografy. Gografy, my frens, ineens de longertude, lassertude, an' GEOGRAPHY. 63 sitewasliun ob de earth, or de globe. Dat am, it tells you 'zfickly war you am, wedder in de tempereuce zone, or de iritempereuce zofie, or wedder you am nie de equiii-oxtail line, or in de heme.sfear. Derefore you kin see wid your eyes shut de great tillutity bb bein' posted in de siance. It will allers be a great stingma on de maccutcheon ob fame ob dis country dat it war fuss diskiber'd by a furiner. But, my innocent lams, sich am de fac. In de year 9, arter de flood, a Spanyard by de name ob Christopher Colum[)us, an' anudder named Uriah Westpusis, togedder wid E Pluribus Unum, charters tree fishin' smacks, an' started smack oif to see, an' arter .sebral lame 'tempts, landed smack at Coney I'land. One ob de botes was named de Sunflower, an' de odder de Plimin's Rock. Ole Colum- pus, on dat 'casion, split de world in too, kase afore dat de world war roun? an' in one ; but eber since dar hab bin too hemesfears. He kiit de world in too wid de broad ax ob siance, and healed de wound wid sibilization (not kuloni- zation). When he 'ribed de native Ingins was a habin' a dance on de beech, prior, prebious, before a goin in to battle, an' when dey seed de botes a kumin' dey tort it war sum ob de Jarsey pirates kumin to steel clams, an' when one ob de Ingins axed dem whar dey kum from, an' ole Chris, sed " Spain," dey war mitey riled, 'kase den dey war sure dey kum from Jarsey, an' sum ob de Ingines wanted to pitch into dem an' hab a fite ; but Mr. B Pluribus Unum stood on de poop deck, an' hold up a Jack Jumper, an' pulled de string at he tail, an' make him jump. De Ingins seed dis, an' held up a big clam opened, which ment dat dey war open for a trade wid de fnriners. Well, den de hole krew landed, an' dey hab a jolly time. Dey at once made a fire on de beech, put on de pot, an' made a clam chowder, an' when it was done dey made sum 64 BLACK DIAMONDS. whiskey punch, and gib it to de logins, an' got em all drunk; den dey crack up a trade wid dem 'bout dis i'land, war dis little York now stan's, inkludin' Long I'land, Statcn I'land, Coney I'land, an' Williamsbug. De Ingins sold de hole ob it to Columpus for a mere song, but what song it war history don't say; but I 'speck it war " Yankee Doodle." Columpus also, likewise, darfore, gub dem a Jack Jumper, a quart ob wins- key, half a duzen brass watch chains, an' haff a peck ob finger rings, ear-rings, nose-rings, an' Jewsharps ; dat was afore de 'Talion Opera was 'stablished har, an' de natives didn't noe much 'bout music. Well, den de Spf>nyards git a map ob de hole country ob lan's, an' git it sined by de cheef Ko- kum-ke-kn-kah, an' witnessed by Joe-jum-je-juce-ja, his luff- tenant, an' Uriah Westpusis, an' E Pluribus Unum, an' den he filled he botes full ob clams, an' set sale for home. When he 'ribed dar, de king took he papers away from him, swin- dled him out ob de Ian', and den went to work an' eat all he clams up. You hab no dowt liurd a good deel afore 'bout Chris's hard useage arter he got home, but you neber node de 'ticklers till now. When Cris foun' he clams war all gone, he trode heseff away on bad segars, an' worse toddies, an' he died broken hearted sumwhar 'bout de year 1494, or 'bout de sixty ob Bagdad, I forget now which: but it war sumwars dar or darabouts. Will Brudder JuHus J. Onson please to pass roun' -de sasser. LONG EAKS. 65 LECTURE XIX. LONG EARS. Deluded Followers : De lab ob siance cams back to de mind ob your sus- pected speaTser in all its glory, like de inosent hen to her roost, an' darfor I shall 'splain to you on dis 'portant 'casion de 'culiar history ob de insex, none in pictur book by de name ob de ' RABBET. De rabbet, my fren's, ob ebery nation diifer de one from de todder, 'kordin' to klimate an' nateral history. In Eng- land dey am kall'd de hair, an' am almoss de same as de native 'Merican. De Inglish an' de 'Merican rabbit am dif- ferent from de Welch rabbit. De one am flesh an' blood, an' de odder am toste an cheese, an' like an oyster, dey all good, ef properly kooked. Firstly, Dar am sebril kines ob rabbits in dis country, 'mong de different speshes ob which we find de buck, de he- male, de shemale, de ole, de young, de wite, an' de brown rabbet, all'ob wich am fleet ob foot an' quick on de heel, 'specially ef dey see a dog fuU tilt arter dem. Secondly, Some darkies s'pose dat kase de rabbet hab got big, long ears, dat he am de -jackasses baby ; but sich, I is happy to say, am not de fac. A look at de size ob dar nar- ratives wood at once sassagefry de most spectickle on dat pint, kase Jack hab a long lankey narrative, wile de rabbet's am short an' stumpy, wich he sartinly wears more for orna- ment den use. 66 BLACK DIAMONDS. Thirdly, De rabbet am not a kute bird, kase when he see de hunter near arter him, he will run au' tick he bed in a stone feuce, an' lebe all he body 'sposed to de clementcy ob de wedder an' mankine. He am foolish 'nuff to s'pose dat when he hod am 'skured he hole body am safe. But de huiiter cum 'long an' see de stump narative a sti ;kin' out, an' he ketches him jis as slick as I kateh dat bad Jim Jonson puttiu' dat puter qua'ter in de sasser lass week. Fourthly, De darkies like to kotch dese fellers an' make cat soap ob dem, an' dey set all kines ob snares an' traps for dem, jis like de fair sex offen sets for your suspected speeker ; but I's de more kute a^' kunnin' den de rabbet, kase I aint to be kotched dat way. I hear a good nanagote once 'bout a ole darkey an' de rabbet, an' aldo you mought hab hurd it afore, I will tell it agin, in pint ob illustrashun. It 'pear from de records, dat ole Jersey Simon set a trap an' kotched a rabbet, wich tickled him almoss to deff. It was a fine, fat buck, as wild and sassey as he cood 'tick. " Oh !" said Simon, " you'm a good fat feller, an' I'll hab you stuff'd, an' make a roast pig ob you, sure. No, I won't nedder ; I ge.^s I fry you like de sassengers, bein' as de fat in you will fry you. iS''ow I cum to tink 'bout it, as you am so mity fat, I tink you go best bril'd." All de wile Simon was 'dressin' dis interestin' talk to de rabbet, he was a smoobin' him down an' feelin' him all ober, an' he grin like monkey wid a hot chesnut, an' in de hite ob his delite he undertake to toe an' heel a little bit, an' de rabbet make a spring an' run away. Simon look arter him wid he lower lip almoss on he bress, an' wh.^u he see he was clear gone for sartin, he sing out to him, " Well, clar out; I don't kar ; you warii'c so almity fat, arter all, an' jis like as not you ole an' tuff." ^ LONG EARS. 67 FiftMy, Ef all mankine war to look on missfortune as dat poor ole darkey did, de lunatick assilum wood hab to shut up shop an' luff de keepers take a holiday. Sixthly, De rabbet's nose am made ob sumfin like ingin- rubber, for it keep a norin all de time, as ef he smelt sumfin bad. I hab seen men an' wimmin keep dar nose turned up all de time, as ef de tings on dis earth warn't good 'nuff for 'em, but dey'll fine tings 'nuff in de nex world dat will turn up dar nose like a corkskrew. Seventhly, De rabbets use dar noses for burrowin' in de groun', war dey bild dar houses six stores deep, an' I under- stan' from noein' ones datober twenty tousand ob dem was 'gaged by de abolishonest, when de undergrouu' railrode was bilt, on wich dey run de runaway darkies from de Souff to Kauada. Eighthly, I shood like to noe wat's de reeson I war not 'wited to delibcr one ob de peepil's lecturs at de Tiiberuickel, 'long wid de rest ob de professors. Brudder Greeley an' Brudder Beecher hab boff lectur'd, an' dey neber ax'd me a tall ; an' har I hab been lecturin' to de peeple for de lass year an' a haff, an' I'll bet a hunderd clams dat I spoke to fifty times as nienny folks as edder one ob dem. I tink de slite an' consult offer'd to your shepperd shood be 'sented by my congregashun, an' call Greeley an' Beeclier to account. Dey got a shillin' a hed from all dat cum into de show, an' har I hab to 'pend on tin shillin's an' bad pennies for support. An' den jis look at de nonsense an' stuff dey git ober -for a shillin a hed, an' look at de siance, larnin', resarch, an' solid chunks ob wisdom displayed in my diskorses for tree sents. It must be looked into, as Anty Clawson sed 'bout de bad clam. Will Simon Augustu.s Arlington Batts please to tuck in he ruffle shirt, an' pass roun' de sasser 1 68 BLACK DIAMONDS, LECTURE XX. MATRIMONY. B'lubed Sisters an' Brudders : As dis am walentine time ob de seeson, I tink it will be a good 'pertunity to kompli wid aa inquest made to me 'bout two weeks' ago by a influeazical sister to lectur on de 'portant subjick ob MATHIMONET. An' darfore I shall distress you on dat pint dis ebenin'. De State ob Matrimoney am konsidered by sum de happi- est State in de Union, an' by odders it am tort de wisee wersey. Siety seems diwided on de pint, an' dose dat hab libed in de State de longest am down on ii, as well as Jar- sey. What am one man's meat am anudder man's pizin, so sez de Declarashun ob Independence, an' so we fin' all tru life. De marrage tie am a berry fashunable tie; so am de De Orsay's tie, whi«h tie de bucks tie in dar neckhankerchers till dej am tired. De latter lass oney a day, but de former got you roun' de neck for all time, till de day ob kingdum kum. I don't noe dat I kin 'splain de little inns an' outs, odds an' ends, ups an' downs, an' cr6sses ob matrimoney, kase, like de ole maids, I neber enjoyed de foolisity ob de State; but I will relate. a little suckemstance which 'curred years ago, illustratud ob de life ob de marrid man, which you all kan re-lie on much as you pleese. Dar used to ,be a, old kullerd man, named Dobson, in dis willage, who used to foller de doctorin' traid. He was much MATRIMON'Y. 69, siantifiek 'mong de sisters speshely, an' brudders perticklerly. He used to make a kine ob klam soup out ob de gumumphy root, hang dangling berries, alexcorapain, kanke larger, land tnrkle and blue ruin, wid which he kured eberybody ob eberyting, darfor he was kalled Dr. Dobson. Well, de doctor used to kum to de seller to see Anty Clawson, an' 'scuss siance wid me, an' drink root beer, an' eat penny pies an' clam soup. Darfore, he-- cum 'quainted wid me. Well, to cut a long tail short, as de man sed, when he curtailed a dog, de doctor cum dar one nite all dressed up, like fourth ob July, an' ax me how I like to marry a cuppel dat ebenin'. I told ]iim "putty well," any- ting for a 'onest libin', an' axed him who ^e peepil war ? He sed he was de subjick, and de lady was out on de corner, trimblin' like a stuck pig. I told him to go foch her in, an' off he went. In 'bout haff a nour back he cum wid a yaller lady 'bout haff he size, who blushed as much as sarcum- stances wood admit, an' I stood dem one on one side ob de stobe, an' de odder on de odder ; an' I axed dem ef dey war willin' to yoke togedder for life, an' also likewise, ef dey ebber had bin marred afore. De lady sed she had, but it war so long ago dat she forgot all 'bout it. I ax her whar her husband was, an' she sed he had gone ded five years prebious afore. ■" What he die wid ?" I axed. "De hospitel, sar,'' she sed. " You meen he died in de hospital ; but what was de matter wid his complaint ? What killed him ?" " Oh 1 de skarlet shingles, I b'liebe," sed she. " Dey gib him doctorum stuff, an' he swell up and died." " Was he under de homeeinpackets, de allempackets, de kold water doctor, or was he kured wid de root an' yarbs ?" axed Doctor Dobson, tryin' to fine out de siance ob de kase. TO BLACK DIAMONDS. "Oh !"'sed she, "he wasn't under none ob dem fellers ; he war under de hospital !" I tort dat nuff, an' so I marred dem. As soon as de sirahmoney was ober, de bride rushed out ob de|LoFe like a joung deer, an' luff de bridegroom to foller arter alone. De doctor laffed conclusively, an' observed dat de husban' shood allers luff de bride hab her own way de fuss day, an' den he gub me a baff a dollar, an' sod dat war all he kood do for me dat nite; but as dey war gwane to take a weddin' tower to Coney I'land, I mou't 'speck a bushel ob clams by de steem bote. Well, 'way he went, an' I nebber bar uoffin ob him, nor de clams too, till 'bout a munth arter dat I war a settin' in my sankto skunktoram in de seller, when in rushed Doctor Dobson wid he eyes big as sassers, an' he hare standin' like de.. syrup ob squills on de friteful porkempine, an' almoss brefifless he sed, " Perfesor, I cum for de deworse. I want de deworse. Mary Ann am orful wench. She run "'way wid a he nigger from Long I'land, an' I want de deworse. She troud de straw bed on de fire, an' set de house in a lite consume. She stole too haff dollers from me, an' clar out, an' I want de deworse, an' dis nite too, else I hurt sumbody orful. I told him dar was oney one way I kood deworse dem, an'" dat war by tyin' a rope roun' boflf ob dar necks, tie de odder end to a beam in de seller, an' luff em jump off ob chares togedder. , De doctor look radder blue at my way ob deworsin' peepil, but in a lam-like woise sed he war " Reddy for de excurshun." Now, my stingy hearers, yon see what a muss Doctor Dobson got into by marryin' wid a yaller woman. Dar- for I spoke unto you sayin', bewar de sexes. I don't want de sistren to s'pose dat I'm down on de marryin' arrange- MATRIMONY. 7 1 ment altogedder; 'kase I aitit, an' ef I war a Mormonite, I'd hab a haff duzeii wifes in winter time, ef cole an' wlttles was cheep 'naff to 'ford it. I feel more 'clined to matrimoney sense I gji^o menny buiful walentines lass week. I shall rede sum^pdera to you nex-time. I recebe a hansum bresspin present from Sister Matilda Morelippe, an' shall war it on dat port ant 'casiou 'luded to in her spontanious letter, ef I get de inwatashun. We'll klose de proseedin's by singin' de useal ducksholi- day. Brudder Skreemer will -pleese set on de tune, Sister Lutts will lead de terror, an' Tinkle Jake will cum in wid he larrmitone woise, an' my singin' will be base. Ef Miss Flumix will sing de alltoe on dis 'eaisiou, -she will do herseff honor. Afore de singin', Theophilous Atrolphus Leviticus Bux will pleese han' roun' de sasser. ta BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTIJRB XXI. TRUTH IN POETRY. f Deluded Sisters and Brudders : I PROMISED in my lass lunch ob larnin' to reed to you wot walentines I recebed from de sistren, an' darfor I doze's de same! . You, ob korse, all noe zackly wat de Wolen tine's day meens. Ef not, I will tell you dat it meens courtin' times. We find in de fuss edishun ob de book ob Tradisbun dat on de 14tli ob Febyouairy de birds all mate an' git marrid, Adam an' Ebe fashun. De ole crow, beiu' allers dressed in black, is ginerly de ofisheatin parson at dese muptializa- shuns ; but wat fees he ^et am not stated. Poetry war inwented on de fuss Wolentine's Day, an', de fuss feeble effort ob de poet am recorded dus — • "Iq wintry wedder, » Birds ob a fedder * Will flock togedder," ' Dis war too much for de poor poet ; he tuck to drinkin' sweeten'd milk, in order to cummit susanside, but, on de contrary, got fits. But I is off my tex. I sed I'd reed all de "Walentines dis ebenin' dat war sent me ; but I fine sum ob dem 'tirely toq rich for loud reedin', an' sum agin poor 'nuff to go to de poor house. One sister rites dat she don't care for de lecturs. TRUTH IN POETRY. T3 but she am in lub wid de speeker, an' she don't car who nose it. Her 'pistol goes off wid dese lines — " De raze ob lite dat flize '» .. From your 'lectrio ize, , Spangles lik de shiain' sua, Ef dey don't, why, I'm don." I pity de poor woman, but I'ze too old a rooster to be caught dat way. Anudder sister rites a few lines reflectin' sewerely on my complexshun. She sez — " De rose am red, De wilet's blew, De debil's black. An' so am you," She better look to home. I don't b'lebe dar am eny kos- metic or emetic yet diskuber'd dat,will change her skin or karacter. De Wolentine dat sum sister sent, commencin' wid — " Hail, Kalumpus, happy lam. Hail, yon hearers, seven horn'd ban." am not 'riginal. I tink I got a faint recollexshun ob hearin' dem at sum free an' easy, or sumwhar else. One ob de Wolentines I resebe was from my washerwoman, statin' dat I owe her for washin tree shirts. Now I neber had tree shirts at once, an' I tink de ole woman want to cheat a little. Dat she hab washed dis shirt tree times am a fae, but I aint guane to pay for washin' tree shirts, when I didn't hab 'em to wash no how. I myseff, indewidually, don't rite no lub stiiff to de ladees. I work to 'lighten de minds an' de pockets ob de peeple, an' I tink it will be succeeded to me from all quar- ters dat I lightem de one as much as de odder. 4 'r4 BLACK DIAMONDS. I hab rote a song for de peeple, which dey may send to John Bull, ef dey choose, as a Wolentine dun up in turpen- tine or an enwelop, I don't kar which. Brudder Greeley hab bin a lecturin' on de World's Fair, an' darfor I like to hab sumfin' to say 'bout dat myseflf, an' har it am — SONG FOR DE PEEPIL. No. 1. DE world's FAIK. Air — " Han* de banjo down to play." Prince Albert bilt a house ob glass. An' sent de inwertashun To all merohanios, young an' ole, Ob ebery kind an' nashun. To fotch dar new machinery, An' spred it in a row, Wid de fancy cakes an' furbaloes. To make a mitey show. Chorus — Den hurra! for Albert's mitey show It 'couraged inginuity, An' made de workin' man to noe He's de salt ob dis community. Den France, an' Spain, an' Itterley, Afric, Turkey, an' Japan, All sent in dar commodities, An' tort dey'd leed de wan. John Bull, he feel so mitey proud, An' chuckled in he heart. When he se'd de Yankees didn't fill De quarter ob dar part. Chorus— Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o. But, Jonathan, he sat an' grin. An' tuck John by surprise, To see dat more dan haff he brot Had won de biggest prize. TRUTH IN POETRY. t6 Our churns now make dar butter, Our maoheens cut all dar grain ; We hugk dar corn, we trash dar wheat, An' beat dem on de main. Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o. When John Bull seen us take de prize, He sed, " Sich tings as dese Am bery easy to Inwent, But still we rule de sees." Den Jonathan he snickered out, An' spoke to John aside, Sed he, " I got a skow out here, S'pose-we take a ride?" Chorus — ^Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &c. Cow Bay war full ob all de botes Ob all de clubs in town. An' dar, wid flag an' sail unfurled, Lay de 'Merica ob renown. Dey started wid a libely breeze, Away dey all did fly : But none ob dem dar cood perwent Our Jonathan passing by. Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &c. Massa Cunard bilt de steamship To cross de ragin' deep. An' when she went in thirteen days, She 'nocked us in a heep. But Collins bilt anudder bote, Dat cross de pond in nine, An' John Bull wonders how it am De Yankees beet his time. Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o. Dat's wot I call trnff an' poetry combined ; a good deel ob de one, an' moss all ob de odder. One Ob de brudderin in 76 BLACK DIAMONDS. Neiv Orleans hab written a long letter to me 'bout " cat fish," an' " Simon Bines," which shall be duly laid under de table an' considered, as dey say in company meetin's. Anudder sister wants to noe ef de Doctor Dobson spoked ob lass week war de Dobson dat lib in de one story house ob a yaller woman in Williamsburg. I don't tink it am, kase de doctor died afore dat town cood boste ob eben a gin shop. De duty ob handiu roun' de sasser will dissolbe on Brudder Sam Morelippe, brudder to Sister Matilda Morelippe. LECTURE XXII. ANATOMY. Hardened Sinners : To noe dyself am one ob de fust and most 'portant laws ob de State ob 'Merica, derefore I shall dis ebenin lucidate on de poplar subjick ob A-NATOMY. Anatomy, my poor ignorant frens, am de bones, muzzles, wains and sinners ob de human body ; and eberybody am human body, colored man an Injin 'eluded. I shall commence at de head ob de subjeck, and ascend- ingly go down to de foots, and splaiu tings as I go 'long. Fustly, den, I 'tack de brane, which lay on top ob de coco- nuu in a pau furnished for de purpose, called de braae pan. axatomt. 77 Dis lays alongside ob an odder pan called de tinpannm ob de ear, which am so called, from de fac dat it enables us to hear different kinds ob sounds ; dere am nudder pan iu de human body, and dat's de neepaii, and when all dese pans am shut de human body am ready to go oif, specaly if de human body hab got a load on. We next come to de troat, which am made ob somefin like gutta percha, called lamfatix glands, which terminates at de borax, and runs into de juglers wane. Some feller's troat am bigger den odder fellers, and dey drink more bad rum and eat more, which catastrofy am all owein to de size ob de swaller. De hart am de next. Dere am two parts ob de hart, and it works in de human body jis like steam injine. It forces.de blood to ebery part ob de ramification, eben to de hair, and dat am wat makes so many red heads. It lays rite under de lungs, whar de peeples hab de culenary consumshun ; rite below dese am sitewated de diagram, which am fall ob holes, jis like a sibe. Dis ting am what keeps de stomack in its proper function, and allows de gastrick jewsos to oberflow de jnbebus and fall into de pizariugtum, all ober de oilfactory nerbes, and sometimes deranges de whole apparatus, and de human body git sick, send for de doctor man, and funeral expenses hab to be paid by de poor-house. Dere must be a biler in de human body somewar, kase I hear de doctors talk so much 'bout complaints beiV owin' to de bile, and I'll find it out if I hab to go to de Anatomical Museum to do it. De longest bone in de hole structure am called de spine ; dis runs horozontaly, dogmaticaly, and catolically long de back bone, as far up as de back-ob-de- neck-a-buss. Dis bone am full ob little jintes, and am de tenderest bone to fool wid, 'septin' de shin bone, in de whole sistem. 78 BLACK DIAMONDS. De action ob de food will, in all probabiliemity, be mitey mterestin' to you all ; derefor I will close my discord by gibin' you a 'scription ob de same. You see sister Mussy eatin' dat apple dar, and trowin' de skins on de floor. ' Well, dat apple pass fust true de lumf-at-ox glans' ob de troat, down de borax, to de diagram, into de stomjack ; "dere it am diegested into de gastrick juce, and passes into de jubams, tro' de anamal canal and kiuga akeduck, into de pizaringtum, and is dere lost among de infernal regions ob de corporation. Ah, my poor darkened hearers, dis am a subjeck dat few understand ; and I would hab been jis at stoopid as you all if I loafed round de warfs, and suck 'lasses from de barrels, like as I seed Pete Bolus adoin' lass week. Dis runnin'-round de warf arter de sweets ob'life will nebor fill de head wid useless knowledge I Brudder Bromfoozle will please hand round de sasser ; I didn't git 'nuff lass week to buy me backer wid, so shell out dis time. ASTKONOMT. 79 LECTURE XXIII. ASTRONOMY. Dabkened Disciples : Your worthy subscriber will 'lighten your bedimed wisionary organs dis ebening on one ob de moss 'fulgint sub- jicks dat man or woman kind eber listened to. I shall splanify de great siance ob ASS-TRONOMT. You must not spose, you hardened sinners, dat I is one ob dem gifted sight seers, or one ob dem wicked fortia tellers, kase I is guane to read de stars, for you noe dat ass- tronomy means de siance ob how to read de stars in de middle ob de nite time. Dere am sebril kinds ob stars in de furmanend. Some, about de size ob de head ob a brass nale, an' dey grow larger till dey git as big as a soger's button. It am a most beaufull site, ob a cold nite, to stand out doors, raped up in notin but enthusiasm, an' gaze pon de starry sky, studded wid angel's eyes, all lookin down on you, to see what you am a doin on dis arth, and how you fool around de wimon. Dere am some comits (and some come-its too), wid long tales/ which I shall 'lude to bom buy. De milkey way, which you no doubt hear a good deel 'bout, runs doo nort, west, and souf, clar from away down below de Battery, clar up to Orange county, and dat's de reason it am called de milkey way. Der am anndder kind 80 BLACK DIAMONDS. ob milkey whey dat I will sometime or odder splanify to yon. De fust bright star dat was diskibbered was found out drue de aid ob a double-barrel'd skyglass, by a Jew ob de antshent times, named Peter, aud was named arter him (Jewpeter) in a complimentary benefit at de time. De next was Mercury, but we only see dat shine on Sunday mornin in dis city; it am brite as de britest. Wenus am de star ob lub, and always shine britest in healthy warm climates. Mars am de star dat gides de soger man in de dark rode to glory, hallelujah, and E pluribus unum am anudder ob de same family. De nex planit dat I shall call to your notice, on dis 'por- tant 'casion, will be de moon. You hab, no doubt, all seen dis planit so often dat it needs no 'tickler description from your learned lecturer dis ebeuing. De moon is s'posed by meny ignumrent peeples to be made ob green cheese, but dat logick am 'roneous and false. Odders tink it am a big tin pan, hung out ob de inwissable winders ob hebin, wid a lamp hung in frunt to make it shine, like de Dremmond lite on de top ob Mr. Barnum's Museum, and de reason dat we don't see it all de time am bckase it am taken in ebery now and den to get scowered, kase de nite air gits it rusty, and it must be cleaned. Sich stories am also a lie. Dere am no foolosefer dat hab diskibered zackly wat de moon am made ob, but de opinion of your 'litened laborer am dis. I look 'pon de moon as de little crystial palace, in which de god ob Inb, little bare faced Cupid, libs, kase you all noe dat de moment a human critter falls in lub dey find de greatest delite in loafin about moonlite nites, and gazing on de beufill orb, wid de most intense anxiety, as if dey 'spected to find out somefin dereby condusive to dere happyness Sometimes dese peoples am ASTRONOMY. 81 called moon struck. De moon struck me one nite as bein berry brite and liansome, but it 'fected Sister Hufferman bery different. Shewas comin home late from a ball in de mooulite vvid de yang cuUored man she danced wid last, and it am s'posed she must liab fell in lub wid him, aldo she complained ob feeliu' bad rite arter supper. Some ob de gossips dere sez she ete more den haff of a 'possum dat was serbed up on dis tickler 'casion. Well, as dey were walkfu' 'long home she fainted in de cullored man's arms, gis as dey got to de corner ob de alley dat she honored wid her resi- dence. Dis skared de young he feller, and he dragged her in de house, roused all de family, laid her on de floe, sent a half-a-dozen arter as menny docktors, an' den rushed for one heseff. Dey all got back wid de different doctors at about one time, and now de berry debil was to pay; kase not one would 'scribe for her till all de rest was turned away, and at last dey got in a row. De Alopatist said she must be bleed in both arms, leeched wid forty-two leaches in de back ob de neck, and a blister ob Spanish flyes must be put on all ober de abominable regions ob de stumjack, and twelve grains ob calomal ebery hour. De Horaopatist said dat she wouldetft lib under de operation, and dat all she had to do was take as much ob a little powder dat he hab in he pocket-book as dey could put on de pint ob a needle, an trow it in a sist'rn ob rain water, an' take two drop ebery odder Monday nite, at haff-past ten presisely, an' let her hab a smell ob camfor ebery few days in de interum (I 'spect de interum means de nose). Dis made de warter-cure doctor mad. He wished to noe wat rite de homapatist hab to order a sist'rn ob rain water under enny sarcumstances ? De rite to dat, he said, was his only. He went on to advise de pashent to hab a rope tied to her heels, an' be sowsed in de sistren gebral times a day, on an empty stumjack, den 4* 82 BLACK DIAMONDS. take a refreshin' shower-bath ebery twenty rainits; an' he told dem how to fix up de shower-bath, by settin' de pashunt on de front stoop, an' pourin' a barrel ob cold water on her head, from de third storey windoes. De Tompsonin doctor said all de woman wanted was two or tree ^ood emitics, an' a hot steem-bath, a hundred an' eighty-seben 'grees above alonzo; an' he told dem neber to send for a Tompsonian doctor till dey put de biler on fust. - So de whole ob dem got a-jawiu' true one anodder, an' in de middel ob de muss, de yung womon come two, an' was as mad as blazes to see sich crowd round her, and she clar'd de house in a little less den no time, an' de doctors f arter insultin' each odder togedder, come to de 'elusion dat Sister Hofierman must'hab been moon struck, an' notin' else. Ah! my fren's, dis big round moon plays de debel wid weakly-headed people, sometimes. Will Brudder Thomas Benton Squash please pass round de sasser. ABOUT THE MOSKEETO KINGDOM. 83 LECTURE XXIV. about the muskeeto kingdom. Mt Dear Woolly Heads : My lectur dis ebenin will be on de. Manners an' de Fashions, de Costumes an National Character oh de Oderifer- ous Country, known on de geolomical maps ob de arth as de MOSKEETO KINGDOM. Dis kingdom am siterwated away down souff, below war Dickson's line ob stages run to. It am way down de Mis- sippee, in de logatude 383 97, laffertude 9, under de tem- perance fluid zone. De best way to get dere am to take a caual boat from bar to Buffalo, on to de Hio, den to Ohiugo Lake, to Panamrass; from dere you go to Ismarass, on to Shagemrass; den you get on a jackemass, and ride into de Calafernia regions, git into a Chinese cbunk, and go on to de Gipsin Pyrimids, take a one-hoss wagon ober de plank rode to de side ob de harbor ob de Moskeeter Kingdom; den you git on board de ferry boat, and cross rite ober into de place, and dere you am, high and dry, like an' Irishman biles his potatoes. When you ribe dere you will find de park full ob omni- busses to take you to de king's palace, de high bridge, and odder poor-houses. De king ob dis kingdom am a he colored man, and a mitey big one at dat. He stands ten foot six, or six foot ten, I forgit now wich; but him a mity great soger man. His 84 BLACK nUMONDS. unicorn consists ob a second-liaad-me-dowu Britisli ossifer's blood red soger coat, a pair ob spurs, and a tall be^'-skin cap, wid a red and white fedder, a yard and seben inches and-a-half long, and a pair ob moustachoes. Him 'seediuly popular JLS now 'raong his 'stituents, kase he lately sent out his whole army ob eight colored sogers, and tuck up all de ole wimons, and poor deluded crippels, who had 'barked in de peanut line; and den he had de wiskers of de dandies cut off, kase dey stuck out an inch or two beyond de mark laid down in de proceedin's ob de common scoundrels, and odder laws 'fectin' siety. De war on de peanut stands pleased de big bugs, an' de war on de wiskers pleased de poor poperla- tion, and hence his great popelarity. De principal wegetation ob de island am 'skeeters, and dats de reason it am called 'Skeeter kingdom. Dese critters grow to about de size ob our chicken hawks, and dey lib in bee-hibes, and ebey hibe hab got agrindstone 'tached to it, where de 'Skeeters sharpen defe bills when dey hear ob de ribal ob a furener in de Selestial Empire. De Skeeters am berry tick at all times here. De natives hab to carry a tin horn wid dem to blow dem' away, so dey can see when it am dinner time. De people lib principally on sider spirits, skunk's cabbage, and jerked beef. I never seed any jerked beef but once, and dat was a shin ob beef Sam Cuggo jerked off a butcher stall in Cofarine Ma.rket, tudder Saturday nite. De papers say dat de manners ob de people am decidedly gross, derefore I tink a man ob genis, like Cap'n Coggy, would do well dere, if he upset a gross-ery. When yow git in dis kingdom you can hab jis as many wives as you can afford to keep, and you needn't advertise for a bordin house, widout reference, to lib in, kase any hut takes in lodgers, but dere am bery few sleepers found in eny THE BUCK. 85 ob dese houses. De country, as it stands, aint worth much, else it woiild bab bin 'nexed to dis long ago. But England habiu notin else for her navy to do jis now, am sending wes- sels dere to scrape acquaintance wid de 'Skeeter king, and see how de land lays. De compliments dat pass between de British orsifers and his 'lustrus highness am 'nuff to sicken all porkdom. I understand dat a committee ob de hole colored folks ob dis city am pinted to send his 'lustrious highness a inwitation to cum on here and wisit ^e soup house, and odder public substitutions. I 'spect to be on hand on dat 'portant 'casiou, and I now send Brudder Bose around wid de sasser, hoping to raise 'ficient money to lay in a five dollar suit in time. LECTURE XXV. DE BUCK. Fellow Trablers trew dis Whale ob Tears : I shall draw my discord dis ebeninirom de works ob Mr. Goldsmif on de wild beasteses, and shall debber to liten your intellect on de Kfe, character, and occupation ob de buck. You must noe dat dere am sebral kinds ob bucks — de buck rabbit, de buck soger, de bock goat, de buck torn cat, de buck ram ; dere am two kind ob buck rams : — one am de sheep, and de oder am found ginerally mong de tail- ors, for dese people use him to make de coat collars stiff ; 86 BLACK DIAMONDS. den dere am de de man buck dat you see swelling down Broadway, buried betuene two yards ob shirt collar ; den dere's de buck nigger wot swells out on Sunday arternoons in he master's clothes, when he master happen to be out ob town ; but I don't mean any ob dese fellers, kase dey got no character or occupashun wort speakin bont. You must not mistake de buck man for de buck goat, aldo dey look berry much alike about de face, kase dey boff got mitey long beards. You will noe de buck man by he's alers habing a segar in he mouth, de smoke ob which he puffs in people's faces as dey pass him in de treet. He differ from de buck goat in an nodder spect too, kase de clothes dat de buck goat wear he come honestly by, while de clothes ob de odder anamal de tailor often sufflei' for, kase he gets cheated out ob de same ; but I aint lecturin on de buck de tailors made, but on de buck de Lord ob human nature made in de year 1, and sent him in de woods to be de companion and husband to de doe. De buck, my ignorant hearers, am bout de size ob a yearling heffer, only much more beautifuller made at all pints. His feet differs immediately from de cullured man's in size and shape, dey being small for dere size and round for der formation. His skin, which am sleek, and shines like -a puter dollar in a swill tub, am bout de culler ob a grizly, gray, brown rat, and is mity nice, soft, and silky to feel ob, but dey wont let you feel em much, less yon catch em fast asleep in de middle ob de day time. De buck may be classed, if he was fit to go to school, between de bull and de race horse, for he can beat all creashun on a long run, which smack ob de race horse, and dat make him a buUey on de track, and hence resem- bles de bull. He am de only animal dat has beat de THE BUCK. 87 telegraph to any great extent. De inguns use him for carrying de males from one wigwam to de odder, same as we nse de steam loferfotive for de same purpose. Mr. Ingun, as he jump 'pon his back, cotches hold ob his horns, and stears him strait true de woods, and hke Brandeth Pills, dey find dere way out in a short time. He head am de most beautiful! part ob he countenance, if he'd only keep his nose clean. He hab horns on he head, which begin to grow bout de third month arter marriage wid Miss Doe, and de older he grow de biggar dey git, until dey git as long as a dull leader in de noosepapers. Dis kritter, you all know, you ungrateful! scau;ps, am de wensen dat you hear 'bout, and sometimes smell when you go past de fashionable eatin' houses I De hind quarters am considered de b^st part, but "dareby hangs a tail," as de 'posel Shakespere said 'bout de play-house. Wensen, my friends, am deer meat ; it am worth 20c. a pound,' and when it am fried in a fryin' pan, it looks for all de world jis Hke shces ob Ingun rubber biled down in molasses, and smells like de same, specially in dog days time. De occupation ob de buck am like odder people's, who hab to pick up a libin as dey go along trew life, and his character stands A Xo. 1 among de sportin' gentry ; for we often hear ob dese gemmen riding all day gis to get in company mid one ob em; he am, in fact, much sort arter ; but, like a Subbern nigger, he don't 'pear to return dere affections in de least, for he no sooner hears or sees dem arter him, den he sticks him nose rite strate afore him, and trowin' his horn on he back, lifts up he tail, and shows his agility in a most surprising manner. When de gents find dat he don't want to suasheate wid dem, dey generally send a bullet-due arter him, on de reception ob which he merely stops, and allows heseff to be conducted to whereber 88 Bl,ACK DIAMONDS. dey wish to take him. Dis, my friends, is all I can find out 'bout de buck. It's a skittish subjeck, and I tink you ort to be mighty proud ob your suspected lecturer dis ebetiing. Brudder Wose will please pass round de sasser, and look out for de California lumps. LECTritE XXVI. DEEP REFLECTIONS. Lambaci-ous Hearers — I FIND 'pon lookin' abroad on de expcnce ob creashun, dat no one man war ebber found dat cood please eberybody. No matter how good a deciple a man may be — no matter how hard he may toil to pleese all, or how nigh he may cum to doin' it ; still dar will be found some antibilious chap, whose sentements does not agree wid de-ress ob mankind, an' he am dissatisfied wid de world in general, an' somebody in partickler. Sich^a koonas dis I hab jis foun' out, an' he will hear find dat I hab noticed his 'pistel to me. You all recomleck dat 'bout two weeks and a fortnite ago I lectured on Mr. Azteck's children, au' gub it as my 'pinion dat dey cum from Jarsey, an' gub my reesons for sposiry de same. Well, wood you b'lebe it ? Dar am sum feller, hailin' from dat orfnl country, who want to pick up a muss wid your long suspected speeker in consequence darof. He sez he am a Jarseyman, and won't stand it ; I tell him I'm anudder, an' will stand it, an' har de argement stans arter he second letter to me. He talks ob swords at fifty paces. DEEP KEFLECTIOKS. 89 I say luff him cum, ef it's a hunderd paces. I don't care, when my blud's up. Nex ting I speck he'll freten to pros- titute me for breech ob promise, an' now I tink ob it, I tiuk I can sue dis coogregashun for de breeches dey promised me two weeks ago, an' nebber keep de promise a tall. Dat, I tiuk am a clar promice ob breeches, ef not a breech ob pro- mise, an' will cum under de iron statue ob de law, an' you ort to be ashamed ob youseffs to luff you ole lectural sarbent go fru de town Ipokin' like a turkey buzzard. Dar am.anudder discontented disciple rote to me lass week to noe what am my pollyticks, an' 'quests me to refine my own position on my own platform, an' adds dat I am excum- sizin' a greater influenza on de public mind dan peeple am awar ob. Did you eber har sich nonsence ? But I'll anser dem 'quiries to sassegefry de brudder. Fustly, I'm authordocks all obef — b'lebein in tings as dey am, tinkin', wid de 'posel Shakspeer, dat all tings am better, am it am. Secondly, As 'gards pollyticks, I'm a conserbatur belong- in' to buff parties. I'm a Noddern man wid Suddern imper- dence, an' a Suddern man wid Noddern cumplaints. I go for de bess man for orfice, an' I 'spect to git into de Custom House, poor house, or betterin' house ; I don't noe which yet meseff, but I'm a caddy date for all. I wood be a alder- man, but as dat am equibelent to bein' ritten down an ass by de noosepapers, I refuse from offerin' myseff for de sufferin' ob de peepil. ' As to my kreed I don't bleebe my refactory frend will like it, but as he calls for it, I will reed ober de articles, as de tailor sed, when he persented his bill, tree yards long to de dandy. Fust, I blebe in laffin, kase it eases de conshunce, aids digestion, and laxitudes de muzzle ob de face. 90 BLACK DIAMONDS. Secondly, I don't blebe in cryin', kase it am a fringement on de water laws ob de human body, makes a feller rinkel •^up he countenance in an orful manner, an' siles de pocket hankershings. Thirdly, I'm principald aginst gittin up in de mornin' afore de bell rings for brexfust, alway perwidin I got a brexfuss to git up to, an' I tink it best not to quit de table as long as dar am anyting to eat. Fourthly, I'm too tinder harted to see a feller cretur suffer fisical or povertica.1 sufferin', an' darfor when I meet enybody in distress, I git out ob dar way as soon as possa- ble. De Almanac sez dat's benebolence, an' I speck it am. Fifthly, I nebber tink it worf while to mind my own bizness, as long as I can find enybody's else's dat I tink ort to be quired into. Else, how in natur wood I find out de chunks ob siance. Sixthly, T belebe dat as long as a man can pay he dets, he am a good feller, an' when he can't he am a scounderl. Dat's de way de world go, an' ob corse I go wid it. Seventhly, I neber swasheate wid de wite trash no how, an nebbfer dine out, ef de famely don't hab clam soup for edder de dinner or de puddin. Eightly, and lastly, I nebber work as long as I can lib widout it. Dar, dat's my kreed. Ef it sutes you, well an' good ; ef not, good an well. I hab jis fooled 'way dis ebenin' anserin' dem noisy mem- bers, an' hab not delibered de lectur I 'tended to do ; but nex week I will make up for all delinquints. Pussonal matters I allers did disgus, but day will " cum ober us like summer toad, widout our speckeld gander," as Mr. Macbeth sed to de murdered Donkey. Will Brudder Jake Harrington pleese pass round de sasser? DOGMATIC. 91 LECTURE XXVII. DOGMATIC. EEBELUOTJd SCOKPIANS Hae I is agin, wid a wagon lode ob siance, which I is reddy to unlode for de wancement ob wisdom. As sich full 'tendence as dis 'sures me dat my Herculian efforts to enlarge your dark understandins am well depresiated, I shall continue to hold fort till I lick all de sin out ob you, or take de shirts off your backs an' ebery penny out your pockets. I war rumenatin' todder nite, dat is, foolosifizein on tings in general, an' de almanack in partickler, kase I find in dat book dat it sez dat " nofin war created in wain." Dat set me to tinkin' on human natur, an' woman natur (which naturs, I blebe, am two distink kinds ob natur), an' I cum to de 'elusion dat de ole almanack lie dis time like a wite man. I shood raley like to noe wat good de bed-bugs an' flees, an' de big bugs am made for ? An^ wat use edder ob dem am to dis community ? De more I cogetate de matter ober, de more I blebe dat dar am menny tings created, " 'gardless ob expense an truble," dat am ob no use to dem- seffs nor nobody else, an' when I don't blebe it " Chasehoss am cum agin ! " as Brig a dig-Gen. Othello sed to lagrum., when he cotched him a fooliu round Desdamonerum. When de preecher man wants to cornwinch he hearers ob 92 BLACK DIAilO-N'SS. enny tickler fack, he allers tells dem a putty story, in order to do de same. Darfor I will tell you a annygote to probe to you dat my pinion am founderd on a chunk ob wisdom as hard an' as big as de rock ob Gibit's Altar. De story am 'bout an ole cullard man, an' he noein' dog. You see dar war a black man in Ole Warginia, named Tone, dat owned de humblest dog de eye ob man or beest ebber beheld. He war so hnmbley dat he coodii't shut he eyes widout hurtiiV he countenance:, an' what war a little curious 'bout dis dog war de feck dat he messured from de tip ob he tail to de cold spot on he nose, jis as much as he rae.s- sured from de cold spot on he nose to de tip ob Jie tail. Dis singelarity, ob corse, make him a great curiosity town meetin' days. But dis didn't make a " dif a bitterence " to de owner, who lubed him jis as much as ef he war ob a kuller node in de wokabdlary ob tints, an war as well shaped as enny odder common dog. Well, ole Tone war' offin seen a trainin' he dog in de woods alone by heseff, an' eberybody got to noe dat be war a great dog. One day a berry rich sportin' gemman who happend to hear ob de dog, sent a rambassader to ax de price ob him, an ef he war a good 'coon dog ? " Oh, yes, mastr'um, I got de dog you want. He'm a fuss-rate 'coon dog, an' he sute de gemman all ober," sed ole Tone. " How much do you want for him ?" axed de rambassader. " Well, I ort to git ten dollars for dat dog, kase he mus' be one ob de bes' 'coon dogs in de hole naborhood." De bargin war struck, an ole Tone war so mity pleesed dat he laffed 'way down in he boots. De gemman took de dog an' left, an' in less dan an hour Tone war drunk at de tabern, an' bragin to eberybody 'bout de price he git for de anamil. Well, time don't stop in Ole Warginia no more DOGMATIC. 93 den hear, an' it roll'd on for 'bout a week, when de rambas- sader come back wid de dog, as mad as blazes ; an' on meetin' Tone he grab him by de koller, an sed — " Look here, you 'furnal, cheatiu', black raskal, you sold me dis son ob a cur for a fuss-rate 'coon dog." " Well, ain't he ?" 'quired Tone, " by Ginger, I tort he war." " You tort he war. You told me he war, an' I have been out two days wid him, an' de moment he sees a coon he runs away from him. Now, what cood make you link he war good at huDtin' 'coons ?" " Well, now, look a here, mastrum. Don't be so mitey mad, an' I'll tell you wat made me tink he war good for huntin' de 'coon. I read in de almanack dat eberyting am made fur sum purpose, an' I bin a-tryin' dat dog at ebery- ting under hebbin, 'ceptin' 'coon huntin', an' he warn't worf a ledder button at all I tried him on, and so I tort dat he must be good at dat, as he warn't at nufiSn else, an' I 'eluded dai he war manerfactered on purpose for it." Well, my frens, don't dat sassagefry you dat I'm rite ? Now I ax, in de name ob all daVs sweet, what was dat dog good for ? Nitfin ! But dis one am not de only puppy in dis community dat am walued at de same high price. My nex lectur' will be my twenty-eight, on which 'casion de seller will be 'luminated wid six "penny candles, an' my motto, " Honesty, independence and wartue," will be frown to de breeze. A man possessin' dese tree ingredients can lib in happiness as long as clams am eighteenpence a hun- derd. Brudder Dan Pinchback will be honored by passen round de sasser dis ebenin'. u BLACK DIAMONDS. LEOTUEB XXVIII. THE VAMPIKE. (Long Island Song.) Dear Deluded Sinners : Anudder page in de book ob time hab bin turned ober since I lass distressed you from dis ole roostrum, an-' a new an' clean sheet am open'd, on which we can rite down our wartues or wices, jis as we pleese; but you muss tink, as you go 'long in de big boots ob sin, dat you can't rub nufin' out arter it am once put down on de page ob ole Time's book. You all see, den, how nessessary it am dat we keep a putty close ballanse ob honesty an' wartu aginst de sin an' wickedness we kommit, or else, on de lass day, when de 'count cum to be posted up, we may find ourseffs bankrupt, an' hab to fork ober, or be forked ober, I don't noe which ; but I guess boff. Darfor, look out how you fool you time, an' see dat you hab as large a score ob charity an' goodness as you hab ob sin an' folly to put down for an aginst you characters. Ef you git de bess ob ole Satin, you kin lafF at him ; but ef he get de bess ob you, you will laff de todder side ob your mouff. But I lebe dese tings to dose whose bisness it am to 'tend to dem. My misshem har am 'tirely siamtifick, darfor I fly to de subjick dat I 'speck to spoke bout dis ebenin. You will find my tex in de picter book, on de fird page, nie de top ob de leef. Fird page — nie de top ob de leef, whar you will find a anamil bout as big as a bat, a bat an a haflF, THE VAMPIRE. 95 or two bats, or two bats an haff. Dat looks like de bat, oney it am'ent de bat. It am called by dose whose wisdom am suffishently dewalloped to know oae beastesses from anudder — DE WAMPIRE. An' ob all de low bred wicked scounderls in dis atmosfear he am de moss big raskal. He am, in ebery sense ob de word, a sucker. Dar am sebril kinds ob suckers, but dis chap takes um all down. Ef he lite on you, de bess ting you can do am to say you prayers, kase ho will suck ebery drop ob blood out ob you. He will cling to you wid all de affectshun displayed by a lawyer to a rich cliant, an will hold on wid all de strenft ob a Long I'land darkey. Speakin ob Long I'land darkies, jis fetches to my mind dat I got a beufuU piece ob poetry from one ob dat class dat I will reed to yoa on dis portant casion, an luff de ole wam- pire run along till nex time, when I'll show him up in he tru cullers. Dar am a good menny wampires in dis community dat wants sturrin up. De poetry laded to am de nee flux ulster ob songs, as we say in Latin, an was rote by Long Cudgo heseff, gibin a count ob a little suckemstance dat curred todder nite on de I'land, which I tink you will all be interested in. SONG. BY LONG ODDOO. Air—" Vm gwane to run all nite." De greatest darkeys I ebber seed, Wo a wo, wo ah. Am de ginewine Long I'land breed. Wo a wo, wo ah, 96 BLACK DLAJIOXPS. Bar's none wid dein dat kin oumpare, Wo a wo, . Bekase dey dance an sing so rare, Wo a wo. Coris — Dey laff an work all day, Dey dance an sing all nite, Dey'm up an dress'd by de break ob day, " Sum pumpkins " in a ftte. De green corn grow 'pon de stalk. Wo a WO; De odder day I shoot a qualk, Wo a wo, I took him home to hab a fry. Wo a wo, When de hot greece flew rite in my eye, Wo a wo. Coris— I rub'd dat eye all dayy I rub'd dat eye all nite. It swell'd 60 big by de breek ob day, I tort I'd had a fite. I shoot no more bird 'pon de wing. Wo a wo, Bekase my eye war in a sling. Wo a wo. An den one day, de ,truft I tell, Wo a wo, Dat same ole eye, he bin got well. Wo a wo. Coris — An I laff'd an worked all day, &o. Todder nite, -at Sister Jenny's ball, Wo a wo, I wore a cote dat took em all Wo a wo, THE VAMPIKE. 97 Big brass buttons, rolin collar, Wo a wo. When J. cnm m de ladies holler. Wo a wo. Coris — An I laff'd an worked all day, &c, I danced wid de gal in de yaller dress, Wo a wo. An' her hand I squeese an press. Wo a wo. Den a big back darkey ax me why, Wo a wo. He shoodn't black my odder eye ? Wo a wo. Coris — An I laff d an worked all day, <&o. I tole him dat de gal was free, Wo a wo, To dance wid enny company ; Wo a wo. Den he called me dat I tole a lie, Wo a wo. When I hit him bim rite in he eye, Wo a wo. Coris — An I laffd an worked all day, &c. De constables dey har de spree. Wo a wo. An' all de darkeys sed 'twar me. Wo a wo. An de oney way dat I cood flee. Wo a wo, War by climin up de chimbalee, Wo a wo. Coris — An I lafPd an worked all day, &o. When I got on de top de house. Wo a wo, 5 98 BLACK. DIAMONDS. I creep long like little mouse, Wo a wo, An den I take a look around, Wo a wo. An landed squar upon de ground. Wo a wo. Coris — An I lafif'd an worked all day, &c. Den home I run Wid all my mite. Wo a wo, An got dar by de breek ob lite. Wo a wo. Jumped in bed, under de kibber. Wo a wo, For fear dat I shoed be diskibberd, Wo a wo, Coris — An I laff'd ao worked all day, &c Cudgo cum putty nie cotching heseff dat time. Here, Jake, hand round de sasser. JOAN d'arc. 99 LECTURE XXIX. JOAN d'arc. Pellek Teablers : Ef I had bin a eatin dried apples for a week, an' den took to drinkin for a monf, I coodn't feel more swell'd up den I am dis njinit wid pride* an wanity at seein sich full tendence bar dis ebenin ; an wen I refleck dat it am rite in de wite-washun seeson, wen de bruddern am seen a gwanin ronn de treets a lookin' like ole G-ypshun mummies persarved in lime, an de sisters am up to dere ankles in de skrubbin time, my heart yarns towards you, like a peece ob Ingin rubber nie a hot stobe, an I feel dat I hab an afiflickshun for you dat noting can estrange, or syringe, I forgit now which; but one am jis de same as todder. It will not be a tall strange to you, ef I too am putty bizzy bout dis 'portant seeson — too bizzy to select a subjick for your deep siderashun, an ef I war to open de door ob de dark lantern ob siance, an let de full force ob its lite . shme pon your enlarged under^andins, I don't belebe you wood take time to rebel in its moonshine, darfor I will pass on enny partickler subjick in de siantifick world dis time, an spoke to you some tings dat I hab jis diskibber'd con- sarnin Gubner Hunt an de knllerd poperlashun, dat will 'stonish some ob you mazin'Iy, ef not more. Eber since de ole anty delugian world xisted— an I can bring de Almanac an de Esyklopeedia ob Human Natur to probe my sershun — de kuUer'd man hab bin none as de moss gay deceber. From de time dat Jane An ob Ark leff de 100 BLACK DIAMONDS. Ark oa Mount Haireat, dressed np in a coat ob mail soger cloffe, aa claimed relashunship to Napolion Bonypart, do uncle ob his ill-begotten nefew, to dis day, no one hab bin so fool hardy as to dout for one minute de deseptial facul- tees ob de darkey. As I hab here 'luded to Jane Ann ob de Ark; I s'pose some ob you wood like to noe little 'bout her; darfor, I will transgress from de subjick under de ham- mer, an tell you dat Jane Ann ob Ark war a soger woman, an went into d'e discontented field, and slew more men dan all de bed bugs dis hole cougregashun hab killed during de lass two weeks. She war a fitein woman ob de rashest kind, an used to ride on a white ho§s, clad in de moss bril- liant armor dat war eber maid. History sez dat her armor war made ob ste^l.an brass scales, an war moss elefent to behold; but it allers kinked my wool to see how her armor cood be so brilliant, an yet look so scaley as to be ment- shuned in print. I neber found out zackly what made de. peepil call her "Jane Ann ob Ark," bekase history don't say dat she came ober in de Ark a tall. But I count for it in dis way. It am well none mong de stugents ob siance dat all de anamiles dat entered de Ark went aboord in pares ; but dar neber war two such sheroines as Jane Ann ob Ark. Har mate coodn't be found; so dey luff her go on har own hook; and when she leff de bote, de peepil in de^ Ark hab to gub her dat nickname. She war a good soger, but her whitewashun an stockin darnin wasn't much to brag bout; but to my diskibbery. You all recumlect dat in de lass procklamashun ob Gubner Hunt, he serted as a fack dat de culler'd race war a dwindlin' away, an in a few years wood be xtink. An dar war a public meetin held by de cul- ler'd folks in dis city; wharat he war call'd a jackass for sayin so. It brot out a poem from me dat' will be remem- Ijered by ebery man, woman an child till dey forgit it. JOAN b' ARC. 101 Well, my poor deluded frens, I jis found out dat de Gubner am not to blame for dat sershun, an I am sorry to sty de fault lies at de frunt doe ob de mulatto poperlashiin. De Gubner's agents dat took de senses ob de State, war fool'd; bamboozled, an' humbugged by dese stuck up wheat an injin darkies, who got de senses takers to put em down as whiu on de books; an when de Gubner cum to suffer it all up, he see a mitey fallin' off in de cuUer'd poperlashun, an dat's de way he cum to spoke bout it in he Message. Dar muss hab bin sum bribein goin on, or else de senses men war mitey neer sited. I tort I'd mentshun dis fac, "kase I don't want you all down ou de Gubner, kase he can't stand it no longer, an' he am a ole fren ob mine, an one dat I berry much sus- pect. He offen used to spoke to me when I war a mercanic, an used to do he witewashun up town. De S'iety for sendin' fine tooth combs an Kalogne water to de Siberia Ingins will meet at Sister Prude's on Friday, to take into "siderashun de priety ob supplyin de Cork mar- ket wid gutta purcha potatoes. I tink de ting will pa'y, bekase de more dey chaw 'em de bigger dey grow. ' Dis congregashun will meet as a Committee on de Hole to raise your poorly supported speeker a pare ob boots, as soon as Wilmot Proviso Johnson passes round de sasser ; an ef I cotch a bad penny in it, I'll come down on you like a shower baff. 102 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XXX. morning walks. Odeeifekous Disciplbs : "de airlt bird cotches de ■worm." De spring ob de year am cum at lass, an de warm sun makes a culler'd man feel as lazy as de husband ob a bordin house keeper. It am berry deliteful for your poorly supported speeker to git up dese plesent morning an' walk 'bout de town an foolosefize on tings as dey am, used to war, an ort to be. Some ob de anshent Dutch an Irish foolosifers an pertenders to siance, used to find meat for reflexion in a stone, and I find dat a good menny ob dar desendents am great seekers arter nolege, for I find dem deep in de study ob de contents ob de ash barrels by day- lite in de mornin'. Dar is no 'countin for de works ob de inquirin' mind. Sum wags sert dat de anchent stugents had dust froun in dar eyes; but ef dey cood see de dust dese fellers kick up in ash barrels, dey woodn't wonder ef dey got dar mouflfs an hair full, as well as dar eyes. Dese mod- dern foolosefers carry a bag on dar backs, an a basket on dar arms, in which dey put all de coorious specenjens dey find, an' take em home to study 'pon; but moss all dey find turns out to be cole ob sum kind — de antecrite, de lucky- warner, de peachpit, de Lehigh, de slate ash, an de brickbat. Some eben pick up de different kinds ob rags dey cum across, in order to see what dey am made ob. Oh 1 my ignorant JOAN d'abc. 103 hearers, siance hab reached a conuiptious standin' since I commenced lectnrin firty weeks ago. Todder mornin I war upmn dressed by de time de sun opened his bloodshod eyes on de uniwarsity, an' puttin' on my speckemtackels, an seizin my big cane I sallyed out for a walk to cogitate somfin for your good. As I mosied long, I lambered up de one treet, an den down de todder, lookin' at de ole time signs on de shop, an tinkin' ob de signs ob de ole times, an when I cum to one treet ob Broadway, I seed a wonder bout dese days. Dar war ackually sebin scaven- dishers nee deep in de mad, a hoein it in a heep, to lay an' rot, to pat on de land for de m'nure. Well, I stood hard by, as-Capt. Cuttle sez, a lookin at em dig, when I seed de hoe ob one ob de men strike fire agin a little lump ob sumfin hard, 'bout de size ob a megnut, or a megnut an a haff. Curiosity, which am related to me on my mudder's side, seduced me to pick it up. Pon zamination, I found sum scription on it in high-old-gliffix, an I eluded dat it muss be sumfin grand, an worf perserbin, like de flys in de Museum. But it war so kind a shrunk up an hard dat 1 coodn't make out de words on it. I showed it to de Irish artist dat dug it np, an he sed he tort it muss be gutter persha, kase it war found in de gutter. So I took it home an put it in hot water, tinkin dat wood stretch it out; but it hab no 'feet a tall. Den I put it by a slow fire, an kind a roasted it for a whUe, but it cum out as hard an as stubborn as before. I node, from de sperience ob de ting, dat it had been stretched out afore, an dat it war now in a shrunk condishun. Well, wat to do I didn't noe, an I tort I'd do dat fuss, an I did. I axedently put it in my pocket, long wid a dollar bill (de reeson I had de dollar bill war kasa my boord wasn't paid to Anty Clawson), an as soon as it came in contact wid money, it begin to thaw out a leetle. Har war a diskib- 104 BLACK DIAMONDS. bery. I rushed in to policy shop, an ax em to rap dat little ting in fibe hunderd dollers for 'bout a nour. De man in greezed hair, high heeled shirt collar, wid a long nine in he mouff, lafif at me, an told me " Go long," but whin I told him de suckemstances ob de case, a spirit ob siance seized he mind, an he rapped it up in de money. We set down an talked ob de dirty treets, &c., for a nour, when he unrapped de bUls, an dar we found de ting stretched out, like Injun rubber, tree inches long, an de words war jis as plain as daylite, and den we set to work to read dem, an arter haff a nour's study we found it to read dus, " A Politishun's Conscience, lost jist after de' Lection ob de Spring ob '51." Well, tinks I, ef fibe hunderd dollars will stretch a polytishon's conshnnce like dat, to what lengt would fibe tousand dollers fetch it ? Now you see what siance will do, an also de great benefit ob airly risin. De mornin am de time to find tings. Brudder Henry Clay Webster Morehouse will pleese to see to de coUestshun. De sasser got broke dis week durin' cleanin time, an he will hab to take his hat dis time. ALTERING THE SOKIPTHRES. 105 LECTTJRB XXXI. ALTERING THE SCRIPTURES. Protracted Prosalites : I don't feel putty well dis ebenin, but I shall spoke to you on a subjick dat am ob wital 'portance, an it takes tirteen letters to spell 'em. You will find de subjick in de minds-ob ebeiy human bein, an it am none as discontentment. An ebber since- old fadder Adam an Mudder Ebe war dis- contented wid all Paremdice, an longed for sumfin more, till dis day, eberybody am 'flicted wid it more or less. De poor man am discontented wid he lot, an looks forward to de time wen he kan kail a towsand dollars his own. As soon as he git dat amount, he want he own house. Fuss he am contented wid a frame cottage, den he wants a brick house. As soon as he gits a brick house, he wants a free stone frunt, an wen he gits de free stone frunt, den he am not content till he gits a marbil palice, surrounded wid turpentine walks in he garden, portfolios round de house, an he lib on cham- pain an ice cream, year in an year out. Broadway used to be a putty treet, but de folks war n^t con tinted wid it, an dey keep it in a uproar all de time to alter it to pleese dem, till it am kept in sich a state dat it aint safe for de ladies to lemonade in it no more. Sum peepil, notwidstanin de lubly flowers, de deleshus frntes, de wabbelin burds, an all de ress ob de good ting dat . 5* 106 ' BLACK DIAMONDS. am in marcy sent to dem, am unsatisfied wid dis world, an' purtend dey want to go to dat land whar de wicked seese from grumblin an de lazy am at rest. Discontentment don't only 'feet de sinner, but it also flicts de preecher man, for how menny 'mong de hole squad ob dem am contented wid dar sallary. As for me, I got to be sassagefried, kase war odders am got all, dars none leff ob de same sort for me. Dar may be sum uncontented brud- ders da;t ain't sassagefried wid my lecturs, but I don't care, you black scorpians. I'll lectur you till I take de shirt off your backs, but I beat eddicashun an suspectability in you. Discontentment am carried to a high pitch by sum ob de oldest an moss 'spectable pulpits in de city. Dar am dose who am discontented wid dat bess ob all books, dat which hab stood as de key-stone ob sibilizashun for ages, an hab stood de shock ob senturies as de rock on which all human happyness am founded. It don't sute de wiews ob dem as it am now, an ebber hab bin, an dey wants it altered, kase dey hab found a flaw in de translashun, an now dey am goin' to hab one to sute dem, ef dey hab to make it demseffs. De part dat 'pears to trubble dem moss am de words " bap- tize," which meens tick 'de hed in de bucket, an de word " emarshun," which meens a duck under de water hed an' heels. Now, I b'lebe in de water kure for de complaintes ob de body, an I don't see notin agin de water cure for de sins ob mankind. Still I don't tink de Hebrew, or de She- brew ob de word means '' emarshun," kase, ef it did, de passage dat reeds, " How often would I have gadered you under my wing as a hen gaderet her chicken, but ye would- not," would read, " How offen.wood I hab gader'd you under my wing, like a duck gaderet her little goslins," an insted ob Peter bein told to feed de sheep, he wood hab bin tole to feed my little seals, muskrats, an beebers. NUTS FOR BOSTONIANS TO CRACK. 107 Now, I noe dat it ain't none ob my bizness to meddle wid dese tings, kase I confine myseff to siance in all its glory xclusively; but wen I see men a dabbliu wid dat blessed book in order to suit dar own ideas ob redempshun, I tink, as a man who hab a soul to save, I hab a right to hab my say 'bout it, jis as well as odders. Bf dey kan find flaws in de translashun ob one word, dey will find a good menny odders, an we poor sinners won't noe wot to b'lebe, or wot not to b'lebe, an I don't tink it am rite, an I don't care who nose it. Let de rock on which all moral law an de happy- ness ob mankind am founded stand firm an solid, whar it am, an let no man more it to the right or left, or chip off enny ob its corners. George Washington Napoleon Mark Antony Jumbins will pleese hand round de sasser. LECTURE XXXII. NTJTS for BOSTONIANS TO CRACK. Belignent Brudders — For your edication dis ebenin, I shall read to you MT FIRST PISTOL TO DE BOSTONIANS. An I speck as soon as de Gubner sees it, he will call a publick meetin on de Boston Commons, an read it to de peepil. Ef he don't it ain't my fault — hear it, ye black sliders II! 108 black diamonds. Boston Bostonuns — I liab bin a lookin at your goins on fur de lass sentery, and I come to de elusion dat you am 'bout as nice a set ob kipacritacal blue noses as war eber sembled ob a Forf ob July. I did tink dat when your blue laws, dat woodent lufif a man kiss he wife and chile on a Sunday, met de ridicule and lafter ob de world, dat you would larn de meanin' ob de word liberality — but no, you sneakin, petty tirants, aldo your State hab sent a dickshunary, to dem as choose to use it, you don't understan de true difernation ob haff dat's in it, and eber since de Pilgrim's Progress was found on Ply mut rock, up to de present time, you hab bin de narrow- est-minded set ob long-faced Sleeks, dat eber Yankee Doodles turned out. Among de fust tings in which your wisdom stuck out; was de cruel manner in which you tortured ebery poor old woman who happened to be a little exsentrick, by burnin her to deaf by fire for bein a witch. Ef a poor ole cretur, black or white, happened to put on a wig or bonnet dat wasent put down in de blue laws, she was megitly put to de stake and made steaks of. I'll stake my repetation dat I've spoken de truff. Well, den, you begin to medil wid de laws at de Souf, an wanted to alter de black laws ob dem States to de blue laws ob your own. You encouraged stealin from your Souffern bredren, an tried your best to brake up de homony ob de country by 'deberin to compel dem to come into your views ob goin to church and luff de slabes go free to starve and die. You wasen't willin to buy dem an edemcate dem, but you wanted der owners to leflf dem go free, widout noein de fust rudiment ob how to take care ob demseflfs. Why don't de Norfif, ef dey am so interested in de welfare ob de cullerd man, buy dem by degrees, and put dem in a way to make an yUTS FOR B03T0NIANS TO CRACK. - 109 honest libin. Bat to liberate all de slabes at once, and pnt de cars ob life 'pen dem as dey am, bloodshed and crime wood stalk abroad in deland, and de " Sun" wood liaff to brush up dere ole steretipe milrder notices, and gib dem'anudder run true de nex wolume. Well, when you found dat you coodent walk into de peepils houses at de Souff, and hab dem do jis as you dicktated, you went home and put a stop to smokin in de streets, for fear de light ob de segar mite show de hipockracy in your faces — and now eben tobacker chawers and snufif takers hab to steal de chance to endulge dere propensities. De last sclimax ob all your wisdom was de passage ob de Maine Licker Law, dat perwents a man to drink a glass ob somfin to take wid anudder human bein. Har's de way de tiug Stan's. Two men sa^s to one man, "We don't like licker, no how — darfore you shant have it.'' " But," says de man, •' I hab bin brought up to take a nip casionly, an I can't bery well do widout it, an I see no reason dat I can't hab it, jis case you two fellers don't like it. I tought you boasted ob dis bein' a free country, and dat eberybody cood do as dere conshunce dictates ; wat de debil am your 4t ob July for, ef you act in sich tiranical ways ?" " Bat, my fren," sez de two men, " dei*e am a drunkin lofer round de corner dat wont take cur ob he family, and we, de peepil, hab to take car ob dem. Now if we luff you drink, we must luff him drink too, and you see it wont do." " But," sez de one man, " aint dere a law to punish dat drunken lofer if he kicks up a muss and wont take cur ob he family ?" " Ah, yes, dere am, I beliebp," sez de two men. " Well, den, why mast I be punished for de sins ob dat lofer round de corner ?" sez de one man. " Becase we consider it best, and we will hab it so." And so you go on in your stubborn-headed way> till putty soon you will stop de chawin ob tobacker, and dat 110 BLACK DIAMONDS. will cause a raise in de gutta persha market-liouse — kase dey muss chaw somfin. Den all Boston will be a gutta persha factory. De siiuff takers will hab to take to useia cubebs, kase de snuff will be stopped soon — and den you will make eberybody go to one churcli, de one you like, and com- pBll dem to go sebril times on a Sunday, and twice a Sunday nite, and take up a kollection ebery time dey go. You will make eberybody go up on one side ob de street and come down on de todder ; pass a law to show at which door a gent shall enter he house' aud he carrage — and as you hab legislated what he shall drink, I speck soon you will lay out he eatables for each week, and ef he calls in enny extras, fine him, aad spend de fine in abolishun tracts. Dere am one claus in dat licker law dat shows de Yankee big as dat Blemfent dat I told you 'bout tudder nite — and dat am de fack, dat you will luff de distillerys continue to make rum to sell out ob de State ; but it cant be sold in de State, kase it am pizen, but you sell de pizen to your nabors. Now aint you a putty set — -jis look at youseff inside and out, politically and religiously, and see ef yon hadent ort a git a second pistol from me. I tank Provendence dat I am in a free country, yet whar Jiberty and mud am as tick as ebber. Brudder 'Rostus Efronious Lutts will please pass round de sasser, and keep he tievein irons out ob de change. I got my eye on him. SOMETHING FOK NEW YORKERS. Ill LECTURE XXXIII. something for new yorkers. Frends an Spectators : As I sent a pistol to de Boston fellers lass week, I will dis ebenin elemwate your intellect by luffin you hear my FUSS PISTOL TO DE NEW YORKERS, Wharin I shall luff you see dat aldo I kin see de falts, follies, an fanatickism ob dem eastern sleeks, I kan also likewise see de long beem a stickin out ob your eyes like de bowsplit ob a clam slupe. I hab bin a layin low an keepin dark, speshely de latter, fdr a long time, an I bin a watchin' you wid boff eyes, an tink ef enny community in dis kintrey ort to hab a big klub broke ober its. bed, it am you New Yorkers. All you seem to car about am how to make money. No matter how you make it, so long as it am made, an you kin expire at de West end. You am bery carfuU how you spend money indiwidually, but collecktively you go it wid a rush. Your sitty fadders, seein your great lub ob money an stinginess to one anodder, am constantly gibin you lessons in how to spend money. You will all, no dout, reckumleck dat dese daddies hab great lub for liberty, patriotism, tea room, and korporation kontracks, an dey will make a great fuss ober ennybody dat will fite for de same, prowidin allers dat de feller dat edder fites or spouts for dem am a furriner. Dey tink nofin ob spendin twenty-fibe tousand dollars for firin de big guns, an eatin de big dinners, an peradin de sogers, 112 BLACK DIAMONDS. when sich genises as Cowsliute arribe wid a fedder in he hat, an den it am dat elemquence an fustin breeks out in big sores all ober de body politick. De fnrriner am toted round in a fore hoss wagon, an wo be to de feller dat don't trow up he iiat an du he share ob de hurrain. True, sum ob de " deceptshuns " oney coss six or seben tousand dollars, but who cars when de pepil pay de shot, an dey get all de glory, an sum ob de hallumlujah, too. New Yorkers, I blush for you, as much as sarcumstances will admit, to see you make sich big ingredious asses^ob yousefifs, an my hart am bustin wid indignashun to find dat de dust kicked up by de Parrin pabement hab got so tick into your eyes dat you can't see no patriotism or lub ob lib- erty in your own pepil ; but you muss needs look far ober de deep blue see to find a patriot, on whom to trow your speeches, adorashun, an dollars. I stood on a corner ob de treet, leenin on my wartue an a big cane, de day Mr. Cowshute cum, an de tear cum in my eye as big as a hoss chessnut, to see de difference atween de fuss made wid him an de reception, dat de noble regement ob New York boys met wid when dey ribed in dirty shirts cubbered wid notin butirags an glory. War dere epny big guns fired ? No ! War dar enny big dinners gibben dem ? No ! an no one cood hab douted dey looked like hungry un at de time. Did enny wite cote foolosefer send a tousand dollar to dem ? No I Did Brigadig General Sanford order out de sogers to meet dem fresh from de feels ob bat tie an victory ? No ! Dey carried dar tatter'd banners an dar wounded limbs true de streets, unnoticed an almoss un- welcome. An now, what do you do for dem ? Why, allow dose who still lib (an dey am a berry few, for dey all got more disease dan glory in Mexico) ninety dollars a year to lib on, an den dey git it in shillins at a time. Why, I git SOMETHING FOR NEW YORKERS. 113 as mnch as dat a year myseff, cludin de tin shillins. But dar's no use a talking to you fellers ; you hab allers bin a makin jis sich asses ob yourseffs, eber since yon kick up de Dickens wid Pickwick Boz to de present time, an look at de way you now 'low your treets to be kept. Why, I'll bet all I git in de sasser to-nite dat it am a harder rode atwixed here an Harlem, on de Fird abenue, dan am found on de Ismarass dat you cross a goin to Californi. But you orten't to say nofin aginst your sitty daddies, for ^didn't dey lass week put lime in de gutters along Broadway, an odder big treets whar de omnibusters run, an lebe de back treets nee deep in mud an filth, dat hab laid dar all de winter, making great probement in de manure line. I nose wat I am talkin bout, an I say you got good daddies for ^Fote ob July selembrations, lecktioneerin, lobster an oyster eatin, an'con- siderin de temptashuus dat meets dem on ebery corner, from simdown till daylite, I tink dey contribe to keep as much wartue as possible to wrap demseflfs up in, jig afore de lect- shuns. Some ob you may say dat dis aint none ob my biz- ness, kase I don't pay taxes ; but I'll luff you see who's boss bar, mind I tell you. I'll say jis what I pleese on my own platform, an ef enny ob you say a word aginst it, I'll git de feller dat sez it licked like blazes by de short boys, or de killers, dat you keep surroundin de corners ob de treet, an den I'll go 'form de p'lice dars bin anudder fite on de corner, or how wood dey noe it ? So take care how yon carry you- seffs, an if you don't look out, you'll git anudder 'pistol from me nex week. De coUeckshun dis ebenin will be for bieing lime an soap to clean dis room, an I honor sister Jemima Florinda Betty Anna Muffins an Brudder.Jemes Godolphus Rompson, by questin' dem to ack in concert wid Anty Clawson in doin de same. Luff de sasser succeed. 114 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XXXIV. darkies in the white house. My Dear Constichewents : I FIND dat some ob de wite trash ob New York got de muUygrubs, an went off in a couiption fit ob de sulks, at sum stringent marks dat, I choose to make on my own plat- form lass week bout Cowshute an de New York regement. But what do I car for de wite trash ? or what do de wite trash car bout me ? Dat's de questshun. Sum ob de wite trash pertend to car a good deel bout de culler'd man, but it am all gas an politicks, got up jis to kick up a muss an keep de kedentry at a bilin pint ob xcitement by de Balti- more Conwentshuns. Dese Baltimore Conwentshuns am gittin to be a great nuisance in dis kedentry. You neber bear ob dem in England, an I don't see no use in dem. De oney good ting dey hab done is to nominate Brudder Pierce for de Presidency. Brudder Pierce hab long held a specta- ble sitewashun in Brudder B. P. (dat means E Pluribus) Christy's band ob minstrels, an he kin play de tamborine to kingdom cum. He am a fuss rate feller, an I long ago pro- fitized dat he talents would be diskibbered by one or odder ob de great parties ob de day. When he git to de White House, we'll hab high ole times. De fuss ting he will do am to call Brudder Bones (darfore you will make no bones in supportin him) an' Brudder Jonson in de cabinet shop to look arter de keys' ob de burow, an see ef de decanters am allers full on de sideborde. Dan'l Webster hab to clar out DARKIES IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 115 den, kase he will collect de wisdom ob de nashun round him, an den I will be called pou. I speck notin less den a pint- ment as Prime Minister, an I speck I make a Prime Minis- ter fuss rate, an de wages am a good deal more dan I git hear now, an den I git no tin shillins an puter quarters, as am continually rung in on me by dis meen, black sliden con- gregashun. When I git to be Prime Minister, I'll hab stated preechin ebery odder nite in de Wite House. Two nites in de week de band will perform in de big hall, led by Pierce heseff, an nobody else, kase Perfessor Jonson, de leeder at dis time, can't speck to shine den, no matter how big his whiskers, or how high falutin he combs his hair. De two odder nites we'll hab a break down, when all de ftirrin Rambassenders will be lowed to cum, hair an all, an jine in de real. Oh, my frens, we'll all hab hallumlujah day den, an clam soup de year roun. No man, not eben Bill Seweed or Fred Douglass, will be pinted to orfice, onless he can pat juba, sing "Git out ob de way Ole Dan Webster, or Tucker " — don't make a dif a biterence which — an can dance a break down. Den dar will be some swellin up an down de lemenade on Pencil wania abenue, an Kolone water will be riz. Darfor, I say, go you deff on Pierce. He's a man arter my own pocket, an I'll bet a cart lode ob Cowbay clams dat he'll be leckted. Jis luff de wite folks hear him make de tamborine ring, an den keep him out lOb de cheer ef dey can. What's dat Brudder Ben Lomans sez ? I got de rong pig by de ear ? How can dat be, when it- am in eberybody's mouff dat Pierce am nomenated ? An don't all de noose- papers say so too ? An did eber one ob dem lie ? Say ? Oh 1 it am General Pierse, ob New Hamshere, dat's nom- enated, am it ? Well, by golly, I tort it war Brudder Pierce, de tamborine man. I didn't noe no odder Pierce 116 BLACK DIAMONDS., xcept him, an I don't b'lebe dar am eny odder worf noein. I'll take my dinner I tort it war him, an I'm sorry.it ain't, lease dar won't be no fan at de Wite House now no more. But it won't feet me in partickelyer, kase Massa Foolmore an me am berry intimate, an he axes my pinion on all notty pints, frequently offen, speshely bout de nautty Five Pints, an I speck some orfice all ob de time, but I'll find out all bout General Pierce an luff you noe. I hab recebed a billy-dux from a sister, axin me what am ment by de tea room, whar de common scoundrels, dar frens, an frens' frens git dar supper at de spence ob de pepil. She wants to noe what kind ob- tea dey use, an ef dey use distillery milk. Now, I sarch all true de book, ob statuary, bout law, an I can't find out nofin bout it. But ole Jim Bolus, who ar waiter dar, sez dat de tea dey use am not sich tea as am used outside. Dey hab it made somewharan sent in dar in dimmy jugs. It ain't called Bohee, Shoeshong, an Highskin tea, like odder fokes' tea ; but you will find it libeled as brandy tea, whiskey tea, Bedam gin tea, port wine tea, an Jamaica rum tea. As regards de milk, dey don't , use it oney in punches, an den I defy ole Belzebub hesef to tell what kink ob milk it am, wedder cow, goat, mare's, or cocoa nut, or wedder it am de milk ob hupaan kindness. I ; don't noe much bout dese! k,ind ob teas, kase I neber drink enny ob dem kind myseff. I is glad de witewashin am ober, an I tank Anty Clawson an de rest ob de Committee on Oleanin for de same. Will Mr. William Henry Augustus Marsey -Potch please pass roun de sasser, an gib back no change. INDEPENDENCE DAT. Ill LECTURE XXXV. INDEPENDENCE DAT. Rebelious Sinners : Old Brudder Samuil Nuckils, who, you noe, was a haff bradder to ole Joxth Heath on he mudder's side, arid is now too old to do ennyting but eat spoon witals ajid sleep, wants me to say somfin "^bout Independence and Port ob July, and as I was doun dere to his house, and spent de Fort^which cum on de Fif dis year — I tort I may as well say somfin 'bout him, as well as odder pepil. You ob corse all noe who ole Fort ob July am, and why de fokes kick up sich a muss at de return ob ebery birth day. Bf ye don't, den I'll tell you. Fort ob July was born in Filemundelfy in IfTG. General George "Washijigton was he gran' dadder, and Thomas Jef- ferson was he farder. He had fifty-six- god dadders dat attended his birth, and hear let me say dis fifty-six hab bin consider'd de weightiest fifty-six dat de world ebber seed ; kase all Urope cuddent lift or disturb dem. England had de ropes all reddy to lift dem by dere necks, but she found dem too heavy to fool wid. De birt ob Fort ob July was hail'd wid de ringin ob bells and de firin ob cannon, and so has he birt-day ebber since. De wost ob it am, it always will cum in de summer time. As far back as I kin recolem- lect I hab notic'd dis fac, and put it doun in my scratch book, for furter faturety. Comin in sich hot wedder as it does, de pepil get de fantods afore it am obber. I don't say 118 BLACK DIAMONDS. dat dey all git de fantods, but I notic'd a great many who h&dfans and a great many who had tods, which blended in one pusson, products de fantods. De Irish pepil boast dat St. Patrick was jis as good a man as Fort ob July is ; kase Pat banish'd a few toads and alegators from a little island todder side ob Jorden. But Fort ob July dun more den dat — he Itckd a whole army ob sarpints and crockemdiles dat cum obber hear, armed to de teef in soger clothes, Derfore, if you here a bogtroter make any sich 'lusions, de best ting yon kin do am to gib him one on he nose for heseff. Pashenflble pepil all go out ob town on de Fort, and lebe de city in de hands ob de poor classes. Derfore, 'cordingly I went out ob town myseff lass Monday, and I got myseff into much tribulation and disgust dereby. I will tell you how it cum. You all noe berry well dat for a few monfs prebious, your wordy speeker hab formed great 'tacfiment to Bettsy G-emima, de gran'dorter ob ole Sam Nuckels, dat lib down to Hogshead Long Hand. Well, de Saturday afore de Fort I pack'd up my portmantila in de croun bb my hat, and puttin what small change I hab in my cloze in to one west pockit, I put on my specks an ruflfel shirt an sallied forf to de cars. When I got in de cars de peepil all star' at me like as if I wos one ob de candydates for de Presumcy. Ebberybody node me, and " how d'ye do. Professor ?" met my refulgent gaze at ebbery turn. Well I ribed down dor, and Bettsy Gemima recibed me in a most blushin' and expirin manner. De ole man sed he was glad to see me, aldo he had bin blind dese twenty years. He ole woman,, ober a hundred years ole, was dere lookin' like a dried ingin rubber foot ball stuck in a nite cap. As soon as she seed me, she axed me if I cum down dere on a marrying expedi.shun, and made Bettsy Gemima look forty INDEPENDENCE DAT. 119 ways for Sunday, wid shame and difushun. I sed I was a moss to ole I feer'd for dat, and I axed her how ole a pus- son muss git-afore dey gib up all desire to marry. She sed I muss ax somebody older dan her, and dat make Bettsy Gemima laff all ober her face. Putty soon arter dis, Bettsy Gemima leff de room to open some clams for to make de clam soup, and while she was gone an idear struck me which kinder startled me, as I aint use to bein' struck wid dem. I tort as bein' as how Bettsy Gemima was a gwane to make de clam soup for my speshal stomjack, dat I 'ort to do somfin for her a little nice and pritty. I recomleckted dat I seed a skruce beer sine on • de door ob a little shop, near unto de car whar de depot cum in, and I made up my mind to slip off and git a qwart nnbenonin to nobody and s'pris^ Bettsy Gemima wid de same, when de clam soup war reddy. But what was I to fotch it in ? As dis question was a tumblin all true my hair, like a mouse in a bale ob okum, I seed a ole brown pitcher settin on de top shelf ob de dres- ser, and in a miuit I had it in my hand and was on my way to de skruce beer shop. I tole dem to put a qwart in dere as quick as litenin, kase I was in a mity hurry. In a few minits I had de beer, and ribed at de house jis time nuff to set it up in its ushal place, afore Bettsy Gemima cum in wid de clams all open'd in a pan. I didn't say nofin, but my hart kept a beetin quicker and faster at de tort ob de s'prise dat waited for de gall ob my 'fections. Well pretty soon de soup was dun, and de ole fokes and Bettsy Gemima and me myseff sot down to de table, when I spoke out and told dem I bro't somfin down from de depot dat wood gladden dere harts; and I rose and went to de dresser and handed my belubed de pitcher. She blush'd and took it, but as I sat down to de table agin, I tort she look a little mad, and, 120 BLACK DIAMONDS. I was fritened wliea she axed me if I specked dem to drink sich stuff ; but I answer'd and sed, " In corse I do, kase I got it spressly to tickle your palate!" Den I seed she was rale mad, and she sed no man shouldent tickel nofin 'bout her, and I cood take it all myseff. Wid dis she flung it rite in my ruffle boosum, and it went all ober dem new trowser- loons Anty Glawson made me out ob de ole bedtick. I de- manded to noe de reeson ob sich treatment, and Gemima, sinkin' in a chare, busted out a cryin', and sed I'd find her reasons in de bottom ob de pitcher. I den, for de fuss time, look'd in de pitcher, and dere I found her reasons in de shape ob a ded mouse, 'bout haff discompos'd, a stump ob segar, a piece ob taller candle 'bout tree inches long, sum corn sabe, a gimlet, a shoe string, and some pills fur to kill rats! I hab herd ob fellers afore now feelin' streeked, but I felt nasty, and megitly leff de house, took de fuss depot dat leff, and cum back home to foolosofize on de succeedin' ewents as dey 'curred. De moral ob all dis am — Always look into tings afore you use dem — specially ole pitchers. I found out who put de lites out lass week, and I got a rod in pickil dat'll tickil when I use it. As I was fool'd out ob my coUeckshun lass week, I speck a double dose ob small change dis ebening. THE ELEPHAXT. ]21 LECTURE XXXVI. THE ELEPHANT. Deluded Lams : v De snbjick for siderashun dis ebenin am a moss too big For me to handle, widont some kind ob tackle. At fuss I tort I'd bess diwide Iiim in too parts, like de preecher mans do dar tex, an lectnr on haff ob him at a time. But I didn't noe wich haff to commence on fuss, an I tink ef I tackle him wid de claws ob true siance, I will succeed in showin his different pints as fineljTls ebber Massa B%riium did in his life. De anamel luded to hab created a great sensashun in dis willage, an folks from all parts ob de country hab flooded de city to find an git a look at him, an singelar to relate, a great menny found him whar dey didn't spect to see him, an whar he war sort for moss he war nebber dere. Some ob de city boys hab from time to time started on a huntin expedishun arter him, an dey ginerly found him by daylite in de stashun house, or some odder kind ob wicked ' house. From your snickerin I begin to tink you know who de gemman am dat I wish to induce to you. Ef not, I will tell you dat I mean DE ELEMFENT. Dis obbergrown lump ob flesh muss hab bin made at de commencement ob de Beast makin. When, dey had a obber pluss ob anamile matter on hand; an it seenis to me dat human natur, when he made him, doait as a sperement to 6 122 BLACK DIAMONDS. see how big a feller he cood make walk, an how much flesh an bone dey could Cfam in one skin widout spoilin it; an sure nuff it waru't spiled a bit, but walked off one ob de noblest an moss noein ob all de beastesses. My ignumrent scorpians, as a great menny ob my hearers hab bin a long time tryin to see him widout doin de same, I tink a gineral scripsbun ob his bigness will be relished by dose whose labor hab bio in wain. Ef one ob dese fine mornins you shood see sumfin cumia up de treet, big as a hay stack on four warf spiles, wid a hed like a flour barrel wid a side ob sole ledder flappin on each side ob it, an a nose six foot long a squirmin around like de Ingine rubber hose, an feet dat look 'bout as grace- ful as a child does a walkin in two swill pails, an a couple ob teef stickin out ob he mouff like two barber poles a sticldn out ob a basement barber shop, dat's him — Ole John B Elemfent hisseff. When he walks he roles from side to side like a sailor man jis landed, an I speck de reeson am bekase his feet am berry tender from carryin round dis big haystack, an he's got corns on all he toes. He foot am shaped somfin like a culler'd man's, oney broader; but like de darkies, de holler ob it make a hole in de ground. When he war made, it seems to me dat dey stood out four ob dem warf spiles, an piled on all de meat dey could pile on. Den dey made a gravey ob sandstone, gutter per- sha, broun dust, molasses an gray dog, an pour'd it all ober de flesh, an dar luff it dry. He war so big, an de big long ladders hadn't bin inwented yet, so dey coodn't snioff it doun much, an dat counts for he rough pearance all ober. Wen dey cum to de tail, de stuff gib out, an dey had to cut it short; bat unlike menny tales I hab seen, dar am a good an desided pint to it. Ef dey had made it as long as he nose. THE ELEPHANT. 123 it might hab puzzled him which end war to go fass, kase he look as do he hab a tail at boff ends. He nose am call'd a trunk, but for what reeson no foolosofcr hab found out, kase ho nebber carry no close in it; but de way he can pick up de apples, an nuts, an candies wid it, am nuff to breek a muntey's heart. He ort to belong to de Poke Xose S'iety, kase I neber met wid a feller dat had such a pensity to poke he nose in odder peepil's bizness in ray life. One time, wen I war a seekin nolege in a carrywan tent ob wild beastes, I seed him stick he long Ingin-rubber nose into a lady's satchel, an steel a hunk ob gingerbread, uuff for my supper, which he took in one bite, widout eben winkin or pickin he teef. He jis roled he trunk down he mouff, which, like de culler'd man's, am sitewated in de lower part ob he bed, jls under he nose. Well, I tood dar a lafBn at he imperence, wen he grab'd ray cap off my hed, an widout chokin a bit, swaller'd it. Den I begin to laff on de odder side ob my mouff, kase I tort my new cap gone sure; but de keeper told me to coxe it out ob him wid apples an sugar tings. So I bied sum ob dem wid my lass sixpence, an gub it to him, an arter a while he put he nose down he troat, pull'd «p de cap, an flung it haff way cross de show, widout eben smilin at de trick. He's got a orful swaller. I tink he cood take in a barrel ob taters, haff a dozen bed quilts, an a buffalg_skin at one time, jis as easy as I kin swaller a Cow bay clam. A great menny nannydotes am told ob dis feller's cunning- ness an trickery, dat wood keep you a laffia all nite; but I am warned by de woise ob Time to shut up. De elemfent am de moss segarshus an noein ob all de anamile creasbun ; but den, who coodn't be smart wid a hole hogshed full ob branes. It's a wonder to me dat a feller wid his high foi'- hed, don't turn his tentsliuu to lecturia on de siances. 124 BLACK DIAMONDS. Dem trousers an dem shoes liabn't ribed yet, an ef de Dawcus S'iety don't hurry dem up, I'll hab to lay in bed to- morrow all day till Anty Clawson fixes dem np. I is proud to show dat I ware a shirt, but I i? a little tickler which end ob it gibs de occular proof. Magyar Chawley will pleese pass round de sasser, an be careful wot kind ob money he takes, an gib back no change to nobody. LECTURE XXXYII. THE HOG. _ *' My Dear Wooley Heads : Foe de wancement ob siance on dis 'tickler casion I shall re-lie on de anamal kingdom for a subjeck to lectnr on, and derefore I shall, by 'tickler request, proceed to anata- mize an old acquaintance ob you all — namely, DE HOG. De hog, my deluded wooley heads, am a native ob de Sixt Ward, aldo dey am frequently often found in odder inhabited districts ob dis badly 'litened city, and no matter war he am found, he am de happiest ob beasteses all de world ober ; he always feel perfectly at home anywar, and generally makes out to find a libin'; he am de happyest feller dat run's in de streets. Take him in his single or matrimonial state, dere am no anamal enjoys heseff better ; in fact, de deeper he am in de mud de more he am in THE HOG. 125 de mire ob contentment ; he lays heseff down, straches heseff ont, and gibs heseff up to glory. Sometimes he spirits am edified by bein' de fust to find out de depot of a new pail ob swill from a fashionable boardin' house, and den he am led to be frisky ; and den it am dat he " cuts up" as if de debil was in him. Dis lass obserwation am too true to laff at ; for de big book says dat de debil was sent into de swine (swine am de Hebrewer's name for hog), and dat accounts for de deblish shines he sometimes indulges in, shaking he little tail, rollin' up he little eye, and smackin he chops for joy. Dere am no use for me to describe de 'pearance ob de hog to you, kase you am all " on ae most intimate terms wid him," as de politishens always sez, when dey spoke 'bout de President. Dey am tought but little ob in siety, specialy by all polytishens, kise dey can't wote. If dey could, de Sixt Ward would' go hog ebery 'lection. Dere am sebril kinds ob hogs : ■ dere am de Wall street hog, whose hogish appetite for money would make him steal de wool off ob a dead darkey's head, to stuff he hair cushin ; den dere's de hog landlord, who would sell de bed from under a sick child redder dan lose a shillin rent, if he could ; den dere am de hog boarder, who nebber quits de table as long as dere am enny ting left to eat, and when butter am dearest piles it on de tickest, and nebber pays up he board. Ah, my stingy hearers, dere am more hogs in dis world dan wat run around a gruntin' on four legs. De -hog am a useful anamal ; but, like all odder gen- uses, de world neber diskibers his great walue till arter he am dead, and served up, young and roasted, at a Yankee train dinner, or staked off in a sixpenny eatin' house, or turned into de sassage market, in company wid dog meat and red flannel. His life generally ends— when he don't 126 BLACK DIAMONDS. get run ober by de omnibusters — as a countryman's career in de city commences, viz.— by bein stuck. De liog am a most anslient animal ; he must hab libed long afore de flood, liase it will be remembered dat Gen. Geerge P. Noah took a Ham wid him into de ark ; and yon know dere can't be no hams war dere am no hogs. Hams were so plenty at one time in Garmany, and so bery big, dat de people made houses ob dem, and bilt up a hole town, which am called till dis day, in all de 'spectable arifmatics, Ham-burgh. But I am led by de nose to belebe dat dese hams spoken ob must hab bin wooden onesj^aud, no doubt, some ob de Yankee abolitionists' grandfarders took out a ship-load, and sold dem at a slight profit, and den stole a ship-load ob slaves from de coast ob Ginuy, jis to save dem from any loss by de trip. You see I noe dese old Yankee fellers aroun' Nantucket. But I must close dis interestin' subjec, or else you may tink I am like a hog myseff for habin so much jaw. I will feel obliged to Brudder Porgie if he will pass round de sasser, and don't probe youseffs pigish by refusing to reward your wordy laborer for his brilliant discorse dis ebenin'. THE BAT. 127 LECTURE XXXVIII. THE BAT. Belubed Wooley Heads : I SHALL dis ebenin obstruct my discord from de anamal wonders ob creation, and aldo de subjick ob de discord am blind, you musent tink, you ignoramasses, dat your 'spected laborer dont know how to valuminate it — I know it like a book from de head to de tail. De subjick am DE BAT. De bat I mean am not a brick-bat (aldo he'm a " perfect brick in his way), dat fly about ofFentimes in de Sixt Ward, and make you see stars in de day time when he hit you on de shin, nor do bat dat play wid de ball ; no 1 nor de bat on de nose like dat Sam Cowlip struck Pete Coles wen he spit on his new shiny boots at Pete Wil- liams' todder nite. It am no such fluvenile subjick. Dere am two kinds ob bats : de ole bat and de young bat — and it am de ole bat your poorly supported laborer willpullncilate on, on dis berry 'portant Casion. Whar de bat come from am none ob your bizness, so I nebber took de trubble to go down to de Museasm to find out, but I is fully sassagefried dat dey war made by human natur like all- de odder winged beasteases, an my 'pinion am founded on de ritens ob seberal ob de Common Scoundrel, 128 BLACK DIAMONDS. which I found in de papers, cali'd de " Democratick Lebeler," and de " Wig Screacher,', who all say de case am a fac, an ob course it am. De bat, my stingy hearers, am a con- siderable of a bird ; he'm haflf inseck and haff anamal, an am 'bout de size ob a haff grown rat. He am like a rat kase it has fur on jis like a tievin' scoundrell, and he am also ra^ified by habin a tail in de usual place. He head am like a buck rabbit's, and he resembles an editor 'bout dis regin a good deal too, kase it am defishint berry much in de brains ; and he am also like justice — bein stone lalind. If justice was stone blind it would do ; but dis one-sided, cross-eyed way ob doing justice am " awful papers,'' as we say in French. He toes am fledged wid sharp claws, like a California pickaxe, and he habits am berry uni-egular, because he will fly 'bout nites, and human natur, seemin pleased wid his nocturnal propensities, hab gibben him a pair ob wings, seeminly for no odder arfly purpose ; and I would 'rise all ob you fellers to be on de look out for dese chaps in de nite time, for, if one bats you side ob de head, you'd labor under a hallelujah ob de mind for two weeks and a fortnight, and jis as like as not git in de lunatick silam in Centre street. If one ob dem 'tempt to bat me any nite, when I am comin' home late from beein out on charitable purposes, I'll take him afore a alder-e man on a rit ob " heap's-o-corpses," as lawyers call it, and sware salt and bat-terj on him. I hab to 'form dis siety dat Deacon Lofty from Bostun is- 'spected in town in a few days prior to his nominating hcseff for de presedency. It . am not none yet wedder he will bring a trabblin companion wid him or not, but sebrel sisters, boff black and wite, hab kindly woluntered to act in dat compasity to see dat his morals am not tampered wid in dis wicked city. I tink it wisable, my THE CEOCODILE. 129 dear wooley heads, dat you should take up a collection sufBcient to purchase a hunderd clams to be made into soup for his special benefit, during his stay among us, as a change ob diet mite play de debbel wid his scrutinary functions ; derefore Brudder Fitz will please pass round de sasser, and look out for bad pennies, kase dey will " ring em iu " on ns sometimes, if we aint careful!. I understand dat de Hanabel Black Guards, a company ob sogers named in honor ob myseff, will turn out on he 'rible, and scorch him true de five pints. LECTURE XXXIX, THE CROCODILE. Belubed Sistern and Bruddern : Habin receibed a free gratis ticket for notin wid de resj; ob de clergy, to wisit de Tom Tamb cattle show ob bullefants, Barnums, and odder queeriosities; I put on my new wite hat which Brudder Knox sent me lass week done ■up in a " horn" box, and seizin' my big cane, which hab got de hed ob a jackass carbed on de top, which Brudder Greeley leff me to remember him by wile he went to de Bri- tish John Bull show shop, and puttin on my specks which I got, it am none ob your bizness whar, I wended my way to de carawan, and wen I got dar I foun myseff in a managery. Sum ob de pepil was complainin, kase dey sed dey eudent see Barnnm no whar, hut I lafPd at dem, kase I cood see him in 'most ebery cage, 'septin ob course de cages whar de wild beastosses was. "Well, I looked all 'round at de old and young bullefants, de liun and de monkeys, wich all surbe 6* 180 BLACK DIAMONDS. food fur reflecshui), ef food fur nobody else, and I foun almost ebery species ob human natur 'mong dem, 'septin de beufell cretur none in de anamals ob" fame as de krokem- dile, and as he was not dar I will splanify his. life, charakter, and costume to you, so you'll be posted up oa de subjick. DE KROKEIIDILE, My frens, am a beast and a fish too, — dat means he am anty phebeus anamal. De wise men in de East — dat am on de eastern shore ob Maryland — ^belebe him to be de connec- tin link twixt de Abolishunist and de Maremaid, and de -more I cogitate de matter ober in my own hed, de. more I is led to belebe in de same 'xclusive 'pinion, kase de krockem- dile hab got a tale like a fish, so hab de Maremaid, dat makes him ,like de fish and de Maremaid ; and he likes young and tender niggar, so does de Abalishunist, 'specially de female gender, wich makes him like de Abalishunist, and deir lub boff amount to 'bout de same ting. Dese fellers am alike in anudder instink, kase dey boff shed krockemdile tears ober de darkey race. De lub ob de krockemdile am so strong for de darkey, dat he hab been knone to chase him on a sandy beech for a mile, cryin arter him all de time. He am by natur like an alderman, kase he lubs fresh meat amazin, and he am all jaw and nebber sez enyting ob consequence. He am like de darkey to, kase he lub to lay in de sun and sun heseff jis like lazy niggar in fly time. He will lay on 'him back widhim mouf wide open till he git it full ob flies, muskeetoes, tomat- toes, bumblebees, and grasshoppers, and den widout ringin a bell or gibin eny warnin to de insec world, all ob a suddin he slaps down he upper jaw, shuts he mouf like a seller door, and wo Be to all inside dem jaw. He lays eggs, so does a THE CKOCODILE. 131 hen, and he am got claws like a hen, but dat dont make him- chickin-heartecf. Altogedder, my frens, at full lengf or kivled up, he am a scaley chap, and I 'wise you as a freu to cut his 'quaintance weuebber you meet him. If you should pitch fite wid him you will fine dat, like de skunk, he can do "much 'xecushun" (as day say 'bout de soger man) wid he tail ef he gets ^ crack at you, derfore, do as I do now, leff him alone. De darkey dat was so liberal as to put a counterfit dollar- bill in de sasser lass week is knone to me, and if he don't make instant persparushun for de rong committed, I shall 'xpose him to de hole congrega.shun, so Jim Crolen jis come up here and git your bad dollar, and ef you come dat ober me again I'll turn yon out ob meetin. / Brudder Sillyons K. Muffin rites me from Long Island, dat sence he got married lass April he hab bin tendin a protracted "Lub Feast." I should like to tend sich a " Lub Feast" as dat meseff. Brudder James W. Cobb "Webb will honor de company by passin 'round de usual sasser 132 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XL. THE RHINOCEEOS. Dear Sisters and Brudders : I IS berry glad to find dat a true sirt for 'nolage hab brout so meny ob you to hear me lectur dis ebenin'. De subjick dat I shall spoke 'bout on dis 'tickler 'casion will be one dat shood kommand wide awake listeners, kase I shall splanify some tings dat no foolosefer hab yetdiskibered in dis 'ligtined country, and I spect to see my name em- blasted on de m'ckutchon ob fame, and handed down to pos- terity by my antsisturs in preseedin' - years to come in kon- sequence dereof. I shall once more 'xtract my diskushun from natral histree, and de fust beast dat I shall 'tack will be DE RINOSSINHOSS. Some folks mou't call it de rinossincow, kase it hab got a horn on him hed ; but he am set down as rinossinA^w in de Comic Almynack, and odder elemwated works on siance, and derefor I tink he am considerable ob a hoss, and notin' a tall to do wid de cow speeches. He am a bery fine lookin' kritter, rangin' in size 'tween de mouse and de elemfant, and he am nie de cullor ob a wheat and Ingin nigger, wid de small pox. He 'sembles de cullored man berry sumtously 'bout de mouf, 'septin de nose, kase de darkey's am flat, broad, and soft, whilede odder am notin softer or shorter den a horn, and he finds de utmost diffikulty in blowin' he THE RHINOCEROS. 133 own horn or nose, and derefore he differs egregiouSly from de editor, kase de latter anamal blows he own horn jist as easy as if it was natral to him, and looks upon it as a luxery dat neber 'pears to tire him. My der ignumrent hearers, de rinossinhoss am a anty phebious creter, jis like de crockemdile, and he libs more den haff de time in de water, and hence he am better off den de poorer class ob de wite and de cullered peeple in dis sitty, kase he can get a baff during de hot wedder free gratis for notin' wheneber he wants it, wich shows 'clusibely to my mind dat proyemdental natur takes Hfetter care ob de beasts ob de feelds den de corporation takes ob de lower classes ob 'siety. I gess I cut somebody's buttons den. One reason why he don't s,tay on land more'n he dose am kase he got eny quantity ob corns on he tose, which render he " long marches, dreadful measures," as de posel Shakespur sez. De corns on he toes am jis as hard as de horn on he -nose, which make de lamed Goldsmith, not de larned blacksmith, class him 'mong de homey anamals ; and what makes it worse for him is de fack dat he don't no how to read de noosepapers, dere nebber habin bin no mishenary siety yet 'tablished to go mong dem to upset free schools, to lam dem to read ; else, dey could see at once what sab to use to kure dere korns. Ah; my frends, you hab no idia ob de ignnmrance dere am in dis world. De had ob de rinossinhoss am 'bout de size ob a young flour barrel, and he lips am berry much like cullored man's 'speshaly when him smile. He got a bery 'spressive, open countenance, and his food consists of ebery ting good in de market, 'septin spoon witals and hoe cake, and de only reason he don't lub clams am 'kase he don't noe how to open 'em. His skin lay on him back wid all de ease ob a bed quilt promuskusly trown ober an empty barrel ob sider, 134 BLACK DIAMONDS. and it am hard as de hart ob a ole miser. Musket biillitS fired into his ribs, insted ob hurtin' him, only ticlde him so dat it set him a laffiu',_aiid de balls 'bound back on de shooter, jis like a big lie 'bound back in de face ob de liar and slanderer. De bess way to cotch dese fellers (de rinos- sinhosses) am to get behind dem and dob molasses on dar little tails, and when dey turn dere heds 'round to lick it off, jis trow a rope ober it, and lasseso him, as dey do de mad bulls in Mexico, and den you got em foul. Brudder Tom Huskings will please pass 'round de usual sasser, and keep he big blue eyes from peepin' under de bonnets ob de fair sex. LECTURE XLI. WHAT WE ALL WANT. My Dear Wooley Heads : De subjick dat I is choosed for my tex dis ebening, am one ob great interest to dis community. It am somefin you am all seekin arter, but nebber fine ; you offen tink you noe whar de little joker am, but you noe sooner put your finger on it, dan he arn'ent dar. Darfore I shall draw my discord on de subjick ob — HAPPYNESS. Happyness, my perspirin frens, am de ting dat all man- kine am arter, and human natur made man so different, de WHAT WE ALL -WANT. 135 one from de odder, dat what am one man's happyness am anudder man's ratsbane ; and so it am in de wegetable kingdom and 'mong de insex. De clam am 'puted to be happy on a sand bank at high water, and a bee am sed to fine happyness in a tar barrel, but dat's not to say dat a cullored man would feel happy a rollin in a tar barrel on de beach at Coney Island. De young look for it in de marriage life, and de old look for it in de grabeyard, but f don't look for it in eder ob dese speres ob life. My ignorant hearers, I is, on dis berry 'portant 'casion, gwane to tell you what I consider constipates happiness. It am a clar conshence and a full stomach ; not too full ob de latter, but de former maybe as pure and clar as monshine. It am a glorious ting to hab a clar conschence so you can lay down at nite and tink dat you hab not injured nor ronged nobody all day. Den it am dat you can roll yourseff up in de sheet ob contentment and de blanket ob innosence, and sleep and snore in your wartuos beds wid all de sassegefac- shuB ob a hog in a mud hole ; and den in de mornin wen you wake up, you can walk forth in all your strength ob manhood (I don't mean smellin strength), and am not afeard to look you feller man plump in de face. Dat's ^de happyness I enjoy. But how different am it wid sum ob you fellers dat will steal chickens and sich tings ! You lay down at nite wid your hed cubbered wid de bed-close for fear de policeman cotch you, and den all day you keep dog- gin 'round de corners in dread and fear ob de same anamal% I recomlect many years ago how I felt arter I had stolen somefin ; it was one nite when my fadder and my modder wus gone to bed, dat I cum home late from a huskin frolic dat ole master Wanraraseller gib to de darkeys on de plan- tashun, and wen I lit de candle to go to bed, I foun a bas- kit ob clams dat fadder hab bin and cotched in de arter- 136 BLACK DIAMONDS. noon ; well I sot down de candle and went at de clams and put 'em away mitey fass, till I eat 'em a moss all up, and den I go to bed ; but I cudn't sleep, I role and tumbled all nite like a empty barrel on de brinary osun ; I tink wat de debil am de matter ! kase I begin to feci sufBn queer in de bread basket, when all at wonce I taut I bin eatin a moss a hundred stolen clams, and dey lay like a leaden anker on my conschence, and dey did hurt me like beeswax. My groans 'sturbe de ole woman ; she ax me wat ails me, I tole her, and she say it surbed me rite, and wood larn me not to meddle wid odder peepel's clams agin. I got skeard, and rushed out ob de house, model artist as I was, and run to Dr. Bunsby's. Dis doctor was an Alapackest, and he bled me at once, and den gib me a dose or two ob sirrup ob swill and ruebub, and by daylite I got ober it. It was a awfal nite, and it larned me de wallue of a clar conschence. My frens, if you wish to be happy in dis world, do all de good you can to de poor, speak kine to every body, ef it am only a dog. Don't decibe, and lie to your frens ; put as much as you kan in de sas§er every week, and don't eat raw clams to any 'xtent at bed time, wedder dey am stolen or not, and I tink you can stan a far chance not only ob bein happy in dis world, but you will occupy a snug place in Abraham's bosom, providin' he takes niggers in dat spacious apartment. I is 'sprised to fine wun or two ob de sisters hab 'dopted de wnlgar new Turkey trowsers and Ingin woman's straw hats, which. Missus Hickery Smith hab been lecturin on. I tink it wood do well auuff for de young sisters, but wat ebber put it into de hed ob ole fat Ice Cream Anty Clawson to put on her- ole man's trowses and broad tale soger coat, wat he used to wear wen he blow'd de base drum in de nigger band years ago, am a mistery to my calculatin' VISIT TO THE PEE:3II)ENT. 131 functions. She look so like a ole obcrgrowu Rang Otanpj dat slie make ebbry body laff rite out in meetin. Bf she cum here agin in her "new custume'' as she calls it, I'll 'xpose her to de hole congregashun. Brudder Slofeel will 'xceed in showin dat new five dollar suit he got on, ef he will hab de perlashness to pass round de usual sasser, and let him remember I'm watchin dem tievin irons ob Ms'n all de time. LECTURE XLII. VISIT TO THE PRESIDENT. Felloe Disciples : I IS sorry to hab to pear afore you in de shape ob an 'pology, but de fact am I hab bin so bizzy wid-one ting and annudder sence I lass spoke to you, dat I had not hab time to fix up a lectur on any siautific subjeck. Sarcumstancus hab followed sarcumstances in sich rapid suckseshun, jist like de cars on 'de railroad track, dat my mind hab bin 'tirely prostitute. De fust suckemstance dat affect me was de rible ob Massa Foolmore, de presemdent ob dis mitey nation, kase you see I hab a little bizness wid him dat 'quire specific atten- tion. I called on him once at de wite house in Washing- ton ; but it happened to be wash day, and I found Mrs. Foolmore bizzy washin, and she .was cros as blazes .bekase I cotched her widout her Sunday dress on, so Massa Fool- more tipped me de wink, and he gib me sixpence to drink he half wid, and tole me to call agin. I tanked him soderi- fously, and promised to do de same which he 'spress ; but 138 BLACK DIAMONDS. my ardent bizness led me to git back to de uorf by de nex train. So I nebber call on Massa Foolmore arter dat, till he 'ribed hear lass Tuesday, when tiiiking it my duty, I went down to de Irwing House and ring de bell. A cullored man, behind a big pair ob mustachoes and a wite apron, opened de doe, and in a gruffy woise ax'd me " wat I wanted at dat doe," and " why I didn't go to de kitchen doe ?" I la£f at he imperence, and told him I was a friend ob de presemdent, and dat I wished to spoke wid him. " Don't belibe it,'' sed de dandy nigger, " but you kin send your caird up, and if he sez yon kin come up, I'll 'scorch yon to de rooms." Well den I was in a fix. I neber did hab eny cairds wid my name on in partickilyer, and I was for a minit put to an uublush, but all at once I remembered dat I had- a pack ob cairds, in my coat tail pocket dat I took away from Sam Lipley, Guss Trealms, Joe Sampson and Dave Kinney, when I found dem down by Caffrine market playing bluff on a barrel head lass Sunday nite, in de moonshine, so takin out de Jack ob Spades I rote my name dus, J. C. Hauner- Bull, and gib it to de cullored pusson. He showed his ivo- ries clear 'cross he face, and sauntered up stairs. In a minit I hear Massa Foolmore's woise wieh say, '-Show her up.'' Den I hear de waiter say, " It aint a she. It am a he." "Get out," say de Presemdent, " de caird sez it's Hanner Bull, send her up." " Shill I send up de pusson dat rote dat name on de caird ?" axed de waiter. " Presisely," said Massa^ Foolmore, and in anudder minnit I was at de doe. I gin a Rochester nock wid my fist, and de doe was opened by de Presemdent heseff, who was more den delited to see me. He shook hands wid me, and 'wited me to take a seat. I sot down and we hab a long confab VISIT TO THE PRESIDENT. 139 togedder 'bout de nation and tings in general, not General Tings. Arter axio me many quis.sliuns 'bout Brudder Tap- pin, My Coon Smith and odders ob less note, he sed he wished to ax me 'bout a class ob community which he alers took a great interest in, and he blibed dad he had a good many frends 'mong dem, and thought I node more 'bout dem den odder people. " To wot class do you 'lude," I ax'd wid impatients, seeing how interested he was on de subjeck. " De New Boys," said he, "dey spend dere short exist- ence in spreadin abroad de lite ob siance." " Dat's a fac," said I, " dey work for de confusion ob use- ful nolage." " Let me ax you, Mr. Hannerbull," again returned he, insultin' de caird which he held wid my name on, "Do de newsboys embrace de privilege ob usin de public baffs, which de corporation so wisely and so nobly instituted for dere use, and for de use ob de rest ob de poor folks dat hab to lib in submarine sellers and penned up apartments ?" I told him he must be crazy, kase I nebber har ob dem baffs, and I didn't blibe from de 'pearance ob de boys dat eny ob dem did edder. He said de boys should be looked arter, kase he 'spected to find a good many ob dem in de " House " in a few years. I ax'd him which house be meant, de House ob Refuge, de Poor House, or de Station House. Neder ob dem, said he; I mean de House ob Congress. I tole him dat news- boys was found all ober creation, and I 'spected de House ob Congress would be full ob dem. Dea he axe me how de Picayune get along; an he was 'stonished wen I tole him dat obber tirty-flve thousand copies was sold weekly ; he said he got it ebery week at de Wite House; and den he axed me confidenshely if - 1 couldn't stir up de 'Mare to keep de streets a little clean, 140 BLACK DIAMONDS. and remarked dat he was 'shamed ob de condishun ob de city. I tole him dat a man had inwented a merchene dat would keep de streets perfectly clean for one tird wat it now cost to keep dem in de present filty state. He wanted to noe why it was not employed, and I tole him de trafif, " Bekase it can't wote." Arter a few complimentary 'marks on my great talents, larning, and foolosophy, he 'lowed me to take my deparchure arter exagtia a promise to call on him at home soon. On de fuss ob May I bin mobin my quarters. I lib now in Tatar Peelin Alley, No. 9, tird floor, back room, war I keeps bacheler hall, till I fine a likely woman for de mar- riage state. Deacon Flatsmeller will please hand 'round de sasser, and look out for' bad specie. LECTURE XLIII. PHRENOLOGY. Suspected Woolly Heads : I SHAix dis ebenin' rebound on de great siance of FEEENOLOGY. Freenology am one ob de moss anshent and beutifnl siances in de hole catalog ob learnin, and am twin sister to Mesmerism. Freenology consists in gittin 'nolage free, like you am dis ebening: it was fust discubered in de free schools, and was always looked 'pon by de larned as bein closely connected wid "E pluribus TJnum." PHRENOLOGY. 141 In order to fully 'splain my seff on dis 'portant siance, I went to de slawghter house, up in Christy street, and got dis skull. It was emposable for me to get de bed ob de human body at the Horsepital, so I hab to use dis sheep's head, which no doubt will answer de same purpos, 'kase it hab got de wool on. De fast bump in a cullered man's bed — and it taint no use bodderin 'bout enny odder man's hed — am siterated on de top, and called by de siantifick de cokanut bump; dis bump lays in a triangular form ober de bump of don't-care- a-d^n-ativeness, which ebery black man's hed am fully blessed wid; some ob de lower order ob cullered men hab got de bump of ori-gin-ality, which renders derii 'septable ob drinkin bad gin made up into slings and toddies. But, my stingy frens, I warn you to stop dis sling biziuess, or else you will sling yousefifs into de place whar de brimstone matches am made. De bump dat am moss cultiwated in de cnllered man hed, am call'd on Fowler & Wells' map ob de brane, " Amative- ness." Dis am de bump dat plays de debil wid de fair sex, bekase dat am whar Kupid springs from; dis bump lays in de back ob de neck, near de coat collar; it am call'd de bump ob Inb! Wat am all de sisters feelin in de back ob deir necks for ? Wy! dere am not one in dis hole assem- blige dat cood tell it if dey had it as largely enweloped as Professor Maffit! It am dis bump whar all de selfishness and wickedness ob mankind lays;, and I wood say a word to'dem fellers as hab got an ober quantity ob it. Look out how you fool you time 'round de opposite sex, kase wen you fall in lub dis bump swells to such an 'xtent dat it ober- wellms de hole brane, common sense am kicked out ob de crainum, and lub rain 'spreme till ebery abenue leadin to de soul am oberflow'd wid de milk ob human kindness, and it 142 BLACK" PIAJIOKDS. takes an " orfull poleUce," as we say in French, to traduce de swell'd bump to its proper size. Wats all de sisters lafQn 'bout ? You better insult your own koiishunce and see ef you hadn't better laff de odder side ob your mouffs. Sich imperence in meetin I neber did see! De nex fac I will call your 'tention to am dis: De hed ob man, like de foot ob de Hog, am divvided into two parts; de front part am whar de intellectual orgins am, and dis part b'hind de ears am whar de aua'mal propersishens am; dis part ob de forehed am none as de Horse-frunt-us, or frunt- •ill-bone, b'kase it am all bone and in de frunt ob de head, which fully 'counts for de nigger's hed bein hard 'nuff to butt down de stone fence. Sum ob de pretenders to dis siance hab 'serted dat de brane lays here, but wen dey probe to'me dat de brane am bofte den I will side wid dem, and not afore. De bump ob " Benebolence" am sitemated on de top ob dis, but I don't see dat stickin out werry excrusi- atin on enny ob your heds; but I may be mistaken, and wen de sasser goes 'round de fac will probe itsefP. " Combatavness " am found mitey big in de cullered race. It lays 'long side ob " Firmness,'' which bump am 'lustrated on de map by de jackass, which shows how much easyer it am to coax dan to dribe. Some people hab got bigger bumps dan odders, and dis am de way you will find it out : s'pose you hab a squarrell wid a man and you call him a liar, and he sez, "Bf you call me dat twice more I'll smack you cross de chops." Dat man hab got combataveness small, but ef at de moment dat you call de man a liar, you find youseff a roUin in de gutter win you nose split open, you may make upyour mind dat it sticks out on dat man's head so big yon cau hang your hat on it. " Cautiousness " am putty well enweloped too in collored PHRENOLOGT. 543 man, and dat de reazin dey lub to hunt de same ole coon ; dey kreep kaushisly 'long de fence till dey git rite under whar he am " a settin on a rale," and den wid telegrofick quickness he sezes him by de tail and trows him ou de ground. Dis fac has 'spired de poets to rite songs 'bout it which you all noe by heart. " Self 'steem" am sum in de race likewise; also, as dere horror ob swasheatin wid de wite trash, and de manner in which dey " steem up " 'kashionally, fully probes. '■ Imitation " is consnipcious 'mong dem too, but de mon- key beats dem all holler in dat bump, which I 'sider no dis- grace to de monkey tribe; but one ob de biggest bumps found in de hole hed ob de decenters ob de African race, 'cordin to de work ob Brudder Bill Seaweed on Erective Franchise, am call'd " Alamentiveness.'' Dis am de bump dat enables a feller to tell wat am good to eat, an how mufth he ort to gormandize at a time ; for incstinck, you go in de seller by Caferine Market, and you see a man call for a plate ob raw clams and a plate ob sassengers. Well, if he eat de clams and leabe de sassengers, den he got de small bump; but ef he eat em boff, den be got it big. Sum nig- gars got it mity big, dat dey not oney eat up de clams and sassengers, but call for a plate ob pork and beans, and want it " most all pork, and a good deal ob beans," to top off wid. I call dat hog eatin hog. And now dat I see I got you all in de noshun ob eatin, I will 'smiss you, so you kin go home and get a cold bite, and wile Brudder Lem Clawson passes round de sasser I will remark dat I don't want nobody to ring in dem new free cent pieces on me for a " fip," as was come on me lass week. I don't take em for sixpence no how. 144 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XLIV MESMERISM. Darkened Hearers : It gibs me joy to see so menny ob you on hand dis ebenin. As de wedder grows warmer it will be empossable for you-all to crowd into dis room, unless you hab a 'xtra- ordinary supply of kalonge water and essence ob pepper- mint 'mong your clothes. De subject dat I call upon my- seff to spoke to you about on dis 'tickler 'caision am de twin sister to Freenology, which Freenology I used up last week all to nuffin. I shall open on you dis time on de great 'fulgent siance of MUSSMERISM. Dis ober powerful siance hab waked up de hole world, notwidstandin it am de sleepiest subjick in de hole wokabu- lary ob uateral fenomonens. It howebber hab nebber bin found out properly, nor nebber will be, I speck, till some larn'd cullcred man take it up and splanifys de whole ting. Dr. Cod's hab published a pulpit on de subjick, and Pro- fessor Greeley hab used it and heself up at de same time, but no lite wort perservin hab been shed by eder ob dese lunatics. Dr. Cods kontends dat Mussmerism lays in de brane pan, wich pan lays in de top ob de hed. wich I tink seedingly MESMERISM. 145 like de fac, kase wen a man lays down at nite to sleep, he head lays down lopsided too, which ob cose upsets de brane pan and spills de Mussmerism all ober de human system and puts de man to sleep ; dat looks nateral, ai\d I tink ole Cods am rite. You musent 'spose, you poor ignnmram- pusses, dat Mussmerism konsists in you ebber bein reddy to be a kickin up a muss wharebber you go, jis like Mose when he runs wid der merchene, kase dat kind 6b siance am alto- gedder different from de siance 'spressed iu my tex. Mussmerism, my stingy followers, am simply de art of puttin a feller creture to sleep, an keepin him 'wake at de same time. It am jis dis — 'spose Pompey Augustus Mouldy- heel dar, de barber's cleark's 'sistant, should happen to noe whar dar was a dinner pot fall ob Kalifornia gold buried, and den 'spose I got Pompey in a chair, and arter spokin some latin and "lapsus lingo" in he ear to sooff his fears, and I paw ober his face and trow de telemgrafic or magnitized J)urning fluid ober he arms and odder 'xtremities, and I git him fass a sleep — and den when he am asleep, 'spose ole Pronse Ginger dar, de clam soup merchant, should pull he big toe and ax him whar de dinner pot ob money am, an den Pompey should tell him so he kin git it — dat's Mussmerism. " Wat's dat sister Jonson axes ?" " 'Spose Pompey woodent tell 'bout de money, wat wood dat be ?" " Why, I should kail dat de blackest kind ob niggerism." De fungusmental principals of Mussmerism am foun in large qwantities in de 'lectric telemegraf, an am konwayed tru de human body wid all de liveliness ob a fresh bunch ob eels ; it am a scase article 'mong ole maids and ole bachelors, but young galls and boys now an den git a shock dat brings dem togedder like an arthquake an make deir 7 146 BLACK DIAMONDS. hearts flutter like a newly killed chicken. When it 'tacks de human body dat way it am kall'd by us larn'd scollers Anamal Magnitism, for de simple reason dat de magnetic sluses rush true de canals ob de body like de — de — de — like de — ^like fire. Now you all noe all 'bout dis 'culiar siance, and you kin hold your heads up proud as a lucifer match merchant. De collecshun lass week, owin to de intxocumducshun ob de tree cent pieces, was not suffishent to pay my washwo- man. Ef you dont chip up enny better, previous to dis I shall be 'pelled to anser a berry loud call from de Souff, dat I recebe lass week. I am 'quested to state to dis congregashun dat dere am gwane to be a ball next Saturday nite at Taller Cuff's seller, nie ole Bare Market, and short-heel'd Jake hab learned de dance kall'd de poker, and anodder one dey kail de shotteef, which he 'poses to teach to some ob de ladies on dat casion. Sam Ticklip will be dar wid ha five dollar fiddle. No refreshments sarbed up widout de tree cents 'company each order for de same. Clam soup will be serbed up in tree corses — once widout cracker, once wid crackor, and once widout crackor. Dancin commence at early can- dellite, an' I am expectedly inwited to be present, and if Florinda J&cobes will sustain my company, I shall be dar jis to keep tings all strate.- I don't tiuk dar am enny harm in dancin, so long as you pay de fideler, prowidin' you don't dance for eels Sunday mornins down by de fish markets. While de hand orgin am playin de useal ducksholiday, I will pass round de sasser myseff dis time, kase I is mity short, and I jis want to see who puts in de plate and who does not. ON PROVIDENCE. 141 LECTURE XLV. ON PKOVIDENCE. My Woollt Heads: I IS gwane to spoke to you dis ebeniu' 'bout PROVENDENCE. Now, when I say Provendence, you must not 'spose dat I mean a steambote ob dat name, nor de city dat bears dat apperation, dat lays a little to de leff ob de Sound, which de trabbler hears in de East ribber, as he ascendingly goes down to Boston. De Provendence I mean sends us de bread and butter to eat, de cold water to drink, and now and den de sassengers and root beer, and odder 'freshments. Yes, my frens, de Provendence I mean am a frend to de hole human race ; he makes no extinctshun atwixl de cullored peeples and de wites, and derefore am to be fully trusted in at all times, kase he am sure to fetch all tings rite and tite in time. Who sed "Hallumlujah ?" Look here, my suspected frens, I don't want no brudder nor sister to interrupt me by sich spokins out in meetin as dat, kase it trous de kar ob thort off de trac ob my diskord, and smashes my ideas all to a poultice, or a pumice, it's all de same. Spoken ob Provendence fetches to my doddle an ole story dat a ole Yerginia darkey tole me when I was a chile. You must noe, on a "plantation at de Souff, whar de pes- 148 BLACK DIAMONDS. sum and de sugar kane grow, dar was an ole lazy nigger dat dey call Provendence, 'kase he come dere in de middle ob de nite time, and none ob de odder niggers node whar he come from, and dey war told Massa ProTendence sent him, derefore dey named him Provendence. Well, dere was anudder nigger on de plantation dat dey kall'd Tune, 'kase he was always wistlin some new tune which he make out ob he own hed, and den he would play dem on de banjo in de ebenin, arter de day's work war ober. Well, Tune and Provendence greate frens togedder, sharein ebery ting dey got ('septin de lickins Provendence got for helazyness). Well, de ole massa seein' wat a good, fait- less nigger Tune was, wanted to gin him Ms freedom ; but he found dat sich a sementin frenship 'xisted twene dem dat a separation would be likely to probe fatal to boff, so he told dem dat if dey jintly would urn so much obber work in a gibin time, dey boff should be free. Dat make 'em smile berry loud, and kick up dere heels for joy. Well, in order to get de work done in time, Tune 'posed to Provendence to steal de march on de old Massa, and work on de Sunday ; but Provendence was too lazy to work week days, let alone Sundays, derefore poor Tune hab to do all de offer work heseff. Well, one Sunday ole Massa hab gone to church, and Tune was workin' in de field by de rode side, and Provendence was loafin' on a haystack, sunnin' heseff, when an ole wite mishenary preecher man, who was a passin' on horseback, rode up to Tune and axed him " Why he worked on de sabbeff ?" "Ease, said Tune, "ole Massa sed if we git so much ober work done in sich a time he would gib us free, and den you noe we kin raise de debiUas much as we like, and stay cut arter nine o'clock, too." " Ah," said de preecher man, " freedom am worff workin' ON PROVIDENCE. 149 •fur, sartinly ; but doa't you tink you could 'eomplish de work by workin' a little longer each day ob de week ?" " No, sar-ee," said Tune, " kudent do dat no how." " I tink you kood," sed de wite man, " 'spose you try dis week kummin in, and put your trust in Provmdence !" Well, when he told him dat, Tune tort he was a foolin' him, and he got mad, and swor'd, and sed, " Provendence be d d ; he'm de lazyest nigger on de hole plantation, and if I trust to him we nebber get free in de world. Go long wid yer ; you don't noe who you am a-talkin' to." You see by dis fack wat it am to noe which Provendence it am to trust to. I am quested to state to dis congregashun dat de row at de ball in de seller lass Saterday nite was not owin' to Sam Fugleson 'sultin Pacilla Bmerline Stubbs. It was casioned by Joe Knothead spitin' on Clem Tuker's new patent ledder shiny shoes. I was dere myseff till some bad nigger put de lites out. If I eber ketch de feller done it I'll make him sweep out de lectur room for a month for notin', and pay me a fine ob haff a dollar. Brudder Bumpton will please hand 'round de sasser. 150 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XL VI. "■ ON LOVE. Bltibed Sisters : I SHALL spoke to you in particelyer dis ebening, habin been inquested by Sister ¥lorinda M. Meltum, to lectur on de popular subjick ob . But I am rudder fareful dat I is too much unacquainted wid de 'facts ob lub to fully deamonstrate dis all absurdin pasliun. iiub my sbemail hearers, belongs to no ked'entry or climate ; it am like genus and talent, sent to us in de mid- dle ob de nite time, when we don't noe notin, nor do we noe dat we got it till, like de small pox, sukemstances brings it out ; but de warmer de climate am, de hotter de lub will be ob korse ; Lub am ruff like de megnut grater, or de skin ob de pine apple, and it hab nebber been none to run smoff in its korse sence ole Adam and Ebe was kicked out ob Para- dice. De poets sez dat music am de feed ob lub, but it don't foUer dat music dealers am all de time in Jub no more dan it dus dat peeple who sell pork and beans, or clam soup, am always hungry. I nebber was in lub myseff but gis wunce, and dat was when I war berry young and foolish 'nuff to 'spose I could . hab every ,ting in dis selestial world gis as I wanted dem, but sad experience hab nocked dat idea out ob my ole head years ago. '- -N>-~ Love and Eels, ON LOVE. 151 You must noe dat dekustoms ob de peeple in de ked'entry am berry different from dose in de city, kase dey aint got no " kustom house" to regemlate de knstoms, for em, and konse- quently you often find young girls in de ked'entry as inno- sent as blazes. Well, it was my lot, in my boyhound days to come across wun ob de kind I 'luded to in de lass claws. It was a moonshiny nite, and I was a settin in de boat on de ribber a bobbin for eels, when I spied her a settin on de bank ob de ribber a washin her feet. Oh, hallemlujah 1 didn't I feel quere I De eels kept a bitin at my bob while Inb ?ept a nockin at my heart and pluck ; she was de lub- liest creatur I ebber seed (present company allers sus- pected) ; her eyes shine like two new silber dollars bound round wid black velvet : and her gum elastic lip open and shut on a row ob teef dat shine like bull dogs in a tunder shower, and her smile was like de sparkle ob de litening bug as he sales tru de florifous air, her form was graceless and faultful. Oh ! I nebber shall forgit dat nite ; de hot flushesh shot tru and tru my wains, and de cold swet stood on my forehead like de big rain drops ob de April shower ; wun time I tort she was a gwane to spoke to me, and I held my breff to cotch de sound, and den she didn't say notin, but kept a danglin her feet in de water, and den all at wunce, when I tort she was a gwane to sleep, she axed me in de moss elemfant manner, " If I had enny luck ?" " Yes, indeed," sed I ; "I kotch two mity big eels afore you kim, but from de minit I seed you I kudent bob no more." " Wat's de reason ?" she axed. I told her " I didn't noe, but dat it was a fac what I say to you." "Well," sed she, 152 BLACK DIAMONDS. " Ef you aint agoin to bob no mo', You best put up you line and come asho'." I didn't want a second inwite, so I skuU'd ashore and tide de boat fass, and as I was gis gwane to pick up my eels to take em home, she put her lubly arms 'round my neck, and lookin me full in deface, like a lien looks at de piece obraw meat, she whispered — "Luffde eels be. And talk to me." Well, den I felt wusser dan ebber, and in an ungarded moment I 'lowed myseif to set down on de bank and ftake lub to her. Dar am no use ob my tryin to tell you how highfalutiu I felt on dat 'tickler 'casion, kase I kudent do it ; I tort dar was a flock ob pigeons in my westcoat all a flut- terin to get out. Wat's dat cross-eyed sister ober dar along side long Cudjo a laf&n at ? she'd better quit sich goins on in meetin ; it's abdamable I Well, we staid dar till a late hour, and den I went home haff crazy arter dat gal ; but fate isshued a specific order dat we should not get married, kase it was oney a week arter dat, dat she war taken wid a coal 'in de hed, mingled wid de yaller janders and de small-pox tinged wid de mezles and consumption, and notwidstandin de doctor man gub her moss a haff a barrel ob medicine in two or tree doses, she continued to git no better fass, and on de ninf day de ship fever took a round turn in her system, a strong appetite set in, and — and dat nite at 2- o'clock in de mornin she died. * * Two days arter we berried her on de bank ob de stream, at ebening, while de cool heifers gently wandered tru de trees — and dus ended my fuss and last lub scrape. Dose ob de sistern dat didn't bring pocket-hanshings wid ON LOVE. 153 dem' dis evening, not 'spectin so 'fectin a discord, ken hab mine to dry dar tears wid ; it am a big one sent to me by de Daucus 'Siety, and hem'd by Sister C. Coal. From wat little I nose ob lub, I 'warn you all ob boff sexes to beware ob its influence. It will upset you kalcu- lashun apparatus quicker dan enny ting in de world ; it will make you as pale and flimsey as a wet dish cloff ; it libs on moonshine and music, and de 'mortal posel Shakespare sez dat it " Fattens 'pon wat it feeds on," in his song book ob " Oteller," and I noe ob noe 'tecshun dat wiU bring a feller down so quick as an ober quantity ob dis lub ; but de world kudent git 'long widout it, kase it am de mainspring dat regemlates de works ob all nations, and am found in large and small quantities in de bosoms ob ebery body, and you can allers tell who hab got de most ob it by deir action to deir nabors. Lub am de noblest senti- ment ob de sole, and I agin 'wise you to lub wun anodder, be kind to all 'round you, and wen you get on you Sunday go to meetin close don't turn up your nose at dem who don't look quite so smart as you do, kase it shows a wicked heart whar lub neber enters — ^kindness cost notin, and it am 'cuKarly pleasant, 'specially to your worthy lecturer. Sam Bucklip will please pass 'round de useal sasser — kul- lecshun berry slim laSs week. 1* 154 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XLTII. FUTURE PUmSHMENT. Deluded Disciples: In quensiconse ob bein inquested by a brudder, who signs his inquest " Water st.," to lectur on de subject ob FUTURE PUNISHMENT OB DE- LASS DAT, I hab 'eluded to do so on dis refulgent 'casion. It is not my 'tention or wish to lectur' on eny religius subjicks, bi^t to •please dis brudder I do so for dis wunee only. Dar am so many different 'nominations dat blibein such a contrast ob future punishment, dat it puzzles eben a man ob my deep larnin, expended foolosophy and manure judgment, to gib eny ting like a solid chunk ob an 'pinion on de matter. One 'nomination blibe dat de wicked go to a big lake dat am burnin constantly wid fire and brimstone, and runs in streams ob liquid hot lead ; dis lake am sed to be surround- ed by de mountains ob sin and misery, so dar's no 'scape. Anudder sect tink it am a hotter place dan de rest, and not sassagefried wid de fire and brimstone, wish to mix in a quantity ob assafidity and kiam pepper,' gist to make it dis- tingaree from de place dat de first 'nomination blibe in, A fird sect tink dar am two orfull places ob dis kind ; wua dey call purgetory, and de odder dey paint out to be as hot as lub in August. Dis lass place am for murderers, tieves, and sich fellers, and de odder am for hipocrits, wits liars, loafers, lawyers and actors. A fourth 'nomination discaird all dis kind ob punishment FUTURE PUNISflMENT. 155 and blibe dat, like de man in tite boots, we recibe our pun- ishment as we go along. Ole Mr. Sweetzenbugger sez ddt wen we lebe dis atmost- fear we go to annudder and lib wid -kindid spirits, so ob korse cuUored peeple will lib wid cullered peeple ,ef dey am good, but ef dey am bad, dey got to smingle wid de wite trash gis de same as dey do in dis v/orld ob sin and waccination. My. poor ignumrent hearers, all dese 'nominations am per- fectly rite, and ef you don't blibe me gis ax eny wun ob dem and see ef dey don't tell you so — and I blibe dat it am a good ting for all ob us dat tings am as dey am, for ef de masses ob mankind war to blibe dar was no future punish- ment for de sinner, dey would run riot in sin and selfishness. arid dis selestial airth would be turned into wun wast slaw- ter house and carwin shop in less den np time. Man wouldn't stop to oney murder he feller man, but he'd Sell de bones to de button factory and de flesh to de sassenger makers de same as dey do de dogs in dese days. Insted ob de kanals bein filled wid de blessed waters from do clar and coolin lakes, de kanal botes would float in de blood ob man- kind, and all creation would stan palsied wid a fright. I tink de more feeble de iuteleck ob man am, de more nesessary it am to kee^ dis burnin lake in his mind, gis like my ,ole school massa used to lay his rattan on de front ob he de.sk and ax de boys wat he done wid it. It 'quires sumfin to keep people' strate, so look out wat you am about, keep you eye skinned for future futuriety, kase you kant swar you sins on enny body else on de lass day, like Pete Pifer did de stealiu ob dat hundred clams on me. Ebery tub hab got to stan on it's own bottom den, and take de 'sponsibility ob deir own axes. Dat will be an orfull day for sum folks dat I nose dis minit. It am sed dat on dat day bone will come to bone and flesh 156 BLACK DIAMONDS. to flesh. Now sposen a, man start from here to de Ingen country, and in a muss wid de natives, he loses wun ob his arms ; he den goes to Harlam and gits one ob his legs cut off by de rale road ; he comes to town on de 4t ob July and gits his eye nocked out by a sky rocket ; and den he sets sail for Caleforny, gits de feber on de Ismarass, and dar dies — dar he lays till dey dig him up to make de rale rode track, when he bones am used to fill up holler places on de rode ; all dis might easily happen, my stingy hearers. Well, ef " bone cumes to bone" on de lass day ob de world, I tink dar would be some dodgin ob heads to keep out ob de way ob de limbs, and I also tink dat a cummitty on researches would hab to be 'pinted to find de main carcass. All dis, ob korse, am merely speckemlashun on my part, as de man said wen he offered to swop off his wife. Dar will be an end to ebberyting dat hab a beginnin,' and as de world hab a begun, ob korse it will hab a stop ; but, my frightened sinners, you got noting to fear ef you do your duty here to de best ob your nobility ; let not your konschence be seared wid de yaller leaf ob sin, and you ken stan and look on de doins ob de lass day wid komposer. De brudder dat wished me to lectur on dis subjick I tink muss be a man berry much troubled in konschence, and am so much in dread db fire dat he won't lib in eny odder strete dan Water strete ; de name hab a coolin influenza on he spirits, and de strete run along de riber, so I 'pect he tink he ken jump in wen tings come to a crisis, but he'll find it's no use ef he am found rotten at de heart ; old Jimmy Splitfoot will fork him up from de bottom wid de hook on de end ob he tail. Now, as I had reached de tail ob sumfin, 1 tink I had bet- ter end my discord, at de same time tankin you for your airnest 'tention, and for wat small change you will put into de sasser wen Jnlious Hosshed hands it round. Dar am a ACQUIRED HABITS. 157 gwane to be a gibbia visit to my house nex week, weil I spect yon will all tow de mark. LECTURE XLVIII. ACQUIRED HABITS. OuDATions Frbnds : , CoNsiDERiN de state of de wedder, I has 'eluded to spoke to yon dis ebenin on de snbjeck of and in spokin bout dem, I don't intend to meddel wid old cloze or wid anybody's good habits; but I shall gib bad habits pickelyer square-toed conepton fits. Everybody, from de Mayer down to de lime killn man, will tell you dat bad habits ort to be trown off and de- carded. And now de question rises like a ghost in defeater — what am bad habits ? Ef I was to tell dis congregation to trow off dere bad habits in one sence, dere wood be few mong you dat wood hab any cloze on, kase most ob your habits am bad. Second handed afore you git dem, and derefore bad in fit and durability And ef I wur to teU you to trow off your bad habits in anudder sence, you wood 'pear afore de world a miricall, kase a man widout eny bad habits am a model man for sartin. Dere am so menny bad habits dat mankind am up to, dat it wood take your wordy speaker two weeks and a fortnite 158 BLACK DIAMONDS. to classify, rectify, ratify, and magnify wid ennyting like suc- cess. But I will spoke ob a few dat I find most prebalent 'mong you fellows. And fnstly I shall draw your under- standins to Liein. It stems a part ob a cuUard man's natur to tell Ingin-rubber stories, from a nasty habit ob liein in bed morains ; in he youf he soon larns to lie oat ob it — as he grows up, and afore he nose it, he will lie as fast as a political noosepaper. Den dars anudder habit de. darkey 'dulge in to sartin extent — and dat am stealin. And as de poet sez — " Fust he steal a later, Den he steal a grater — ^)en when wite folks am asleep, He steal de chicken, eggs, and sheep." Sum say it am he natur to do so, and if it am, he larn it from de wite trash, kase dey inhabited de kedentry fuss. But de darkey am not de only pusson who hab bad habits — kase notin am more nasty dan chawin backer, smokin old sogers, and drinkin rum. De Dutch am patty well posted up in de two fast clans, and if you'll show me an Irishman dat don't kjiow how de latter claws am complished, I'll show you a wezel in he nite cap and mornin gown takin a snooze. De Dutch larn der children to smoke soon as dey see de lite ob de libin sun. Iitsted ob gibin dem a sugar stick to suck on, dey put a segar in dey babys' mouf, and in two days de chile will cry for a match to lite its segar, same as odder chile cry for mint stick. Chawin I tink comes by instlnk — for jis as soon as a chile nose ennyting, it find's out de use ob its jaws. Now I myseff was larnd a bad habit in my infancy, when I was handsomer and more interestin dan now — and dat habit was ACQUIRED HABITS. 159 S chavdn — I don't mean backer, but witals. As fur back as I kin remember, I hab bin in de habit, some time in de day, ob 'dulgin dat habit till now I can't git along widout prac- tisin it tree times a day. De scantity ob ray sallevy niely broke me ob it ob late, and I went two days widout it, but I didn't feel like myseff, and so I went at it agin ; but I am sassagefried dat ef it wasn't for dat habit, instill'd in me, in my youf, I shood be rich to-day, and stop lectur'n for bad pennies and tin shillins — but I can't 'spect to correct dis habit ob etin tree times a day, kase it hab got sich a foot- hold in de stomjacks of mankind. But de wust ob all habits am de habit ob dr.inkin' rum, specially to excess. De dul- gence ob dis habit 'has got up more fitein' and hangin' matches den enny odder in de world. It leads to backslidin', head slidin', nose slidin', and into de calabuse slidiu'. Dere- fore I warn you to break youseffs ob it, ef you hab to break your necks to 'complish it. A man had better drink root beer till he cry wid de stpmjack ake, or popp till he busts, dan to be de " chief attraction " at a hangin' match. Sam Jacobus sets dar looking as impertent as a hog round a market. I 'speck he tinks I don't noe it was him dat put all de lites out tudder nite. Jim Comely and Dan Rieat, his constituents, aint showed dere woolly coconuts here "sence, but Sam tinks he'd brave de lion in he den. Ef eber he do sich a ting agin, he shall scrub out de room, pay haff a dollar to de cotgregation, fru me, and send me a hundred clams. I had a mind to expose him afore all de folks har to nite, but he hung he lip so, I tort it best to pass on de subjeck — and to show Sam dat I aint got no antymosreity aginst him, he may pass round de sasser dis ebenin — but let him remember I got my eye on boff he hands — -but to make insurance dubbly sure, I tink somebody nie him had better pin up he pockets. 160 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XLIX. Suspected Erens : As dis am a season when de mind ob mankind naturly runs on de water, and a dog's don't, I tort I'd loolc 'round in de mity deep for a subjick wherewit to instruct you 'pon — and by golly I 'speck I cotch one — but he am so slippery and squirmy dat I'm afraid he will slip out ob my hans afore I kin fully explainify all he pints and qualities. I hab no dout dat you noe already dat de subjick furd to, am DE eel! De eel, my frens, cannot be turmed a handsum i'eller, aide he am de most nimble ob all de fish in de oshun. He am as squirmy as a politishum — as slimy as slander, and as quick on a turn as a Filedelfy lawyer. Tou kin no more 'speck to hold him in you hans dan a poor man kan 'speck to hold a silver dollar bill; fur dey boff will slip fru your fingurs afore you noe it — an like aswasheatin wid bad characters, de closer you git de more slime you find 'pon you. He may be compared to a law suit — de more you handle it de more you aint got notin but de slune, and, like a shillin novel, he am all tale. Here am sebril kines ob eels — de Congor, wat was fuss found in ole Massa Congor's pond; de Lamper, who's hed am all eyes, which am luminated by de lite ob he wisdom; SLIPPERY. 161 de Electriclfal and de common Caferine Market eel. De moss wuuderful ob all dese, am de Electrick Telegraf eel. Ef you cum nie dat feller lie will hit you a crack wid he tail dat will go fru you like huckelberries in August. He shocks de modesty ob some ob de Udder fishes, and kills dem, and den he eats dem, bones and all. He's a shockin' bad eel, else history go a romancing. It am sed dat old Professor Mosse was a fishing one day, and seed one ob dese fellers jirk de 'lectric fluid from he hed to he tale, and from he tale to he hed, and dat fuss put de Electrick Telemgraf in he hed, which has sense fenced in de world wid a wire railin'. When dey want to send de noose ober de wires, dey jis show it to de big eel, always kept at each end of it. He reads it — hits de wires wid he tail, and 'way goes de fluid and de noose togedder, to de udder end, where anudder eel puts it into English and de papers. De eels cum from Long Island, and lib all along de coast ob dat kedentry — and like de natives ob de Iland, as soon as dey ribe in York, dey git skinned — but dey hab boff bin skin'd so offen, dey don't mind it no more. De trade ob Eel Butcher am ob as much 'portance at Caferine Market as de Oyster and de Clam Butcher. Deres Pete Odety am a Eel Butcher, and to see him rub he hand in de ashes, pick up de eel by de tale, and nock he hed agin de side ob de tub, and cut 'round de gils to loosen de skin, wood do yon good — and den to see de siance he displays wid de nippers in takin' off he jacket, wood s'prise and confound you. Ef dere am a rale siun- tific Eel Butcher in de market, Pete am he — derefore, luff him be suspected 'cordin. I used to see some good times agoin a bobin for dese fellers in my young days, and can to dis day almoss feel de delicate nibble ob de Eel on de bob, as my mind dewerts 162 BLACK DIAMONDS. back to de happy nites I hab spent kotchin dem. I can simpersize wid de poet dat sez — Oh ! de days when we went eel-kotohin, A'long time ago — We'd bread and lasses ob de bess, And trowsers made ob tow, And dere we set de libe long nite, 'Pon de bank so green, And nought but tubs and eels and grog, 'Bout us oood be seen. And duss we pass de nite away, And out dc eels wood trow. In de days when we w«nt eel-kotohin, A long tiiae ago. Ah ! dem was merry happy nites, A long time ago ; When we eeled from dark till light, De moon as light as .snow. And dere we sung de jolly song, And danced upon de shore. But, ah ! dese hallumlujah days, " "Will come agin no more. Ah, how we passed the time away, Nor thought of care or woe. On de nites when we went eel-kotohin, j A long time ago. We all DOS wid what delite de young darkey "will dance for dem at Caferine Market — and we a,ll noe too, how good dey am when fried in butter and browned wid flower. Derefore I lebe de contemplation ob de subjick to go to Anty Clawson an git a plate ob reality right off de real, perwiding I git 'nuflf in de sasser for to pay far de same. Brudder Jake Ballethed will pleese pass it round, an see what look I got for dem fried Eels. THE ROOSTER. 163 LECTURE L. THE ROOSTER. _ Suspected Prens: You will find de subjick ^n which I 'spect to sub- stract my exasperations dis ebenin, a runin round enny ob de barn yairds in de kedentry and in de coops round de mar- kets. He am sometimes called de " cock " by people who call tings by dere rite names, but dose who pride demseffs on bein extra perlite, call him DE ROOSTER I De reason, I 'speck, why dey call him dat, am bekase he will roost wid de hens nites. De rooster am de he hen and aldo he lays no eggs, nor hatches no chickens, ennybody wood tink by seein' him strut round de barn yard, dat he lay all de eggs and brought up all de chickens. He does he best to make you tink dat he does it all, for no sooner does a hen drop an egg, dan he sets up as loud a cacklin as de hen hersefi', in order to pull de wool ober de eyes ob us sitty fellers, and make us beleye he done it, when he ani no niore capable ob doin' de same dan I am. How much like sum lazy husbands in dis congrega- tion, I cood menshun, who let dere wives do all de work and take car ob de family while dey do all de cacklin. Dere am free or four different kinds ob "Roosters." Some am black, some speckled, as de darkey wid de small pox, and dressed up in all de brilliant fedders ob a soger company. I tink he must hab taken lessons from some ob 164 BLACK DIi«10SDS. our Mallishish Captans in de art ob structin, for it wood do you good to see one strut true de barn yard among he fifty wives. He seems to belebe in de Mormon doctAn ob pluracy ob wifes, for be hab a promiscus number at he beck and call, and no pettyfogin lawyer hab yet offered to make out a case ob bigamy against him, and his conduct am winked at by de noin ones, and it am no more tort ob, or sentured by de people, or by de presff, dan King Solomon ob old was mid his forty wives and hundred conkebines. But dis may be owin' to de laxative laws consarnin' matrimonial marrage, now in woge in dis happy state. All a man hab to do now- a-days am to say to a female woman, I takt you for better or for wuss, for a short time, and if you turn out better, I will take car ob you, but if you turn out wuss, I'll luff you flote down de riber ob time, a prey to fortune, for some udder nice young man to pick up and cast off at he lezure. I hab seen a Brigadig General reviewin' his sogers for de fust time. I hab seen de poUytishun de day arter he was 'lected Alderman. I hab seen him agin de fust day he entered Congress. I hab seen de new recrute on he fust parade in de milishus — I hab seen a darkey in a new brass buttoned green coat, and a cuUared lady In a new yeller calico frock, but I nebber seed ennyting nor ennybody so killiu' pomptious and prowd as de old dunghill rooster when he wakes he brood at daylight in de mornin' wid his shrill trump, and marches dem off to de scratchin' ground ; and wo be to de strange rooster dat chances to make a call on he nabor. Talk ob fuss and fedders — dats de time to see him in all he glory, as he walks sideways wid one wing down (so as to hide he long spurs), and he hed strate out afore him, up to de stranger and gibs him a crack side he hed for he imperence. Bf de odder rooster am game, den THE ROOSTER. 165 a regnler Higher and Snlavan fite persues, and one or de odder comes off second best, and de odder sets up a crowin' loud 'nuff to wake de darkey cook to put on de coffee jfot — den de licked rooster runs home wid he comb cut, fooloso- fysin' on de foolishness ob takin' airly mornin' walks abroad. Dere am notin' on airtb-dat fites more wickedly den two game roosters. Dey will fite till one am ded and de odder too week to flap he wings or crow — and T belebe dat it was on some sich 'casion as dis, dat Brudder Chapman was per- litely 'quested to crow fur him. Take de rooster in he marrage relations, or in he single blessedness, and he am about as seff-satisfied and pomptious as a monkey in a red frock, wid he mouf fall ob chesnuts, and a box ob sugar crackurs widin he reach. Wid dese reflecshuns, we luff him slide dis ebening, promisin to take him up agin at some previous 'cashun, ef he long spurs will Inff me handle him better den I hab dis ebenin'. Long Island Jake will pleese pass 'round de sasser, and wen a man puts him off wid a free cent piece, luff him ask for de odder free cents belonging to de sixpence. I won't hab dem free cents nocked donn on me no more. 166 BLiCK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LI. long island musings. Broilin Sinners : Sjsnce de lass time I distress'd you from dis old desk, I hev bin a rewlinizia on aid Long Island — " Whar de breezes, ' Cum fru de ti'eeses, A:nd smels ob cheeses.' and whar de gentle hefers, at de close ob de day, flote litely fru de trees, and fan de --brow ob exousted human natur, and whar clams am as plenty as scandle. It am strange how a feller will feel he mind a soarin' abub de tings ob dis arf, when he'm away from de smell ob de gutters in de sitty, and de oderiferusness ob de gas-pipes. Here he kin contemplate foolosofy ondisturbed by de noise ob de omnibusters and unwatched by de police. Here it am dat he mind trows off de fifty sixes ob car, and mounts to hem- isferes abuv, and try to find out what am a goin' on in de abode ob de planits, 'mong de spiritual rappers. Ef a man finds heseff on dis beech, wrapped up' in nuffin but a spiritual wrapper, he will find heseflf mity cold arter sun down, mind I tell you, fur I went out wid a ober cote on to see ef I .coodent find out what some ob de planet sky lites war made ob, and it set my teef a chatterin' like a monkey ober a hot potater. Arter lookin at de brilliant fermi- nence for a long time, an sufferin' de ting up ober and ober LONG ISLAND MUSINGS. 167 in my mind, I come to de 'elusion dat me nor no odder pro- fessor of foolosefy nose notin' 'bout de universal planits no more dan a hog nose wat he am goine to hab for supper. Bat we all hab de pribalege ob gibin our 'pinion on dese tings, and derefore I'll gib mine, based on a log 'bout ten feet long, on which I declined (furing my meadowtations. I link dat de planit sky-Iites am made ob saltpeter, camphene, drummond lite, and spangles, all mixed up and spread on new tin, like a poor man's plaster, and h'ung out on spiritual cords, an^i den as de wind' blows, dey shake and quiber, dat make 'em go blink, blink, at you, like a cuUard gal's eye a winkin' in de dark. De moon must be a hole tin pan full ob de ingredients, wid a drummond lite ahind it, and when de drummond lite fall down inside ob itj den yon only see haff ob de moon. Den it wants newly regnlatin', and den de folks call it de new moon. De sun puzzles me most — ^kase I don't noe wedder dey burn hickory wood or Lehigh coal, but I tink dey burn boff 'boftt dese days. Dese last torts traded demseffs tru my wool as I was gwane ober to Jerusalem to de cullerd Camp Meetin', now succedin in dat quarter. When I got to de Camp Ground, (what a shame it am dat low darkeys call it de Stamp Ground) dere I found Brudder Bluster on de stand, and he was discribin de old debil heseff. He said dat he head was like de buffalo, toof like de elemfint tusk; back like a buck rabbit, tail like a anaconda, and he eyes shine like two burnin' hickory logs in de kitchen fire-place — and he went 'round like a rousen lier, seekin' whom he might fool somebody. Now I don't belebe he eber seed de feller he so beufly discribed, but ef you had hard him nock he fist on de board whar he desk ort to be, you wood hab 'eluded dat he was 168 BLACK DIAMONDS. an intemate quauteiice ob his; for he not only told us all 'bout him, but he spoke ob he dwelin place in de souffern country — and he said dat de red lite dat was a shinin' in de sky dat ebenin, which de farmers call'd de Rousen Bore oh Alias, was de flecshun dat was frown on de place wheneber de door was opened to let in a bad darkey. Dat scart sum ob dem, and dey look up at de lite wid eyes as big as de sasser dat you all ought to put a shillin a piece in dis ebenin'. He had a good deel to say 'l)out Provendence, and 'eluded his powerful sarmont by sayin' dat he hoped Provendence woodent send de rain on de Hand like he did lass year in sich sluces, dat it wash away de Metadist meetin' house, and smash all de windows — but in more congehed portions, dat de otes and corn mite git it, so dat de corn mite grow six- teen foot high, and hab ears long as he arm, and not sich cussed little Nubbins like dey had lass year, which he wood as leaf try to shuck, as to try to shuck de debil heseff. Dey wanted me to 'liten 'em a little, but I told dem I neber meddled wid church alBfairs or de scriptur, dat my mishun was 'tirely siantific, and I reclined de place dey made fur me on de platform. Dey den broke up, arter singiu' in loud meter dis beuful standa — De debil he will do his best, To stop de sinner findin' rest ; But when we reach dat happy she', We'd flax him out, and cry no mo'. Hallalujah, Hallalu — g. Wen dis was ober, some went home, and odders went to dere tents, whar dey laid down in straw as tick as hogs in winter time. BLUNDERS IN HUNTING. 169 As it am growin' late, I will dismiss you afore I gib you de lass claws ob wat I ment to say dis ebenin,' and as soon as Brndder Ishmal Owlhed passes 'round de sasser, yofl may slide — keep de door lock'd till de sasser's full. LECTURE LII. blundeks in hunting. Bkilin Lams : Dis ebenin I perpose, To spoke in ryme, and not in prose; An' I hope jjrou'll hear me wid delite, Ef so, I poetize some odder nite. Ef you at my last lectur glance, You'll see I menshun a suckemstance Ob bein' on Long Islan, at camp meetin', And hearin Brndder Blusters prechiu; Some ob de brudderiu, I gin to fear. May tink I wos wbar dey charge so dear; For berry little 'commodation, (De useal custom ob de nation). Dere am some houses hear I'm told, 'Bout which I cood a tale unfold ; 'Bout straw beds, and scanty table, Dat wood make your hair grow stiff as cable; Whar Christian folks are used like sinners. By some ob dese Long Hand skinners. Who keep fashionable out ob town resorts. For city people out ob sorts; 8 I*r0 BLACK DIAMONDS. Who lebe airy rooms, and an easy bed, To stifle in a six-foot plaster'd shed. An' lay 'pon beds as hard as stubble, And for de luxery pay jus double; But den dey tink de price am fair, Bekase dey walue high de country air. And sitty folks, out ob de sherest pride, Spend August at de oshun side; Lebe dere door nobs grow black wid rust, To spend a monf in sand and dust. De rhumatism offin makes dem rue it. But dey'd be nobody ef dey didn't do it; One sitty feller dat come out here, When he seed he bill luff fall a tear; And as he handed out de pelf, Sed he'd bild a country for heseffi Afore he'd pay sich a mity fee, For comin' in de counteree. But I want to tell yon once for all, Dat I ain't bin to no sich place at all. De little time I bin from home, I spent at Jerico wid nuncle Tone, A brudder to Anty Clawson's sister. Who always rites his fust name Mister; To luff de country people see. He understands gentility. He's got a beufall house made ob logs. Close by a pen ob lubly hogs ; He raises de chickens, pigs and tarkey, And now and den a little darkey. He's got a dog — a berry curious cretur, Dat forms a berry portant fetur ; To his place. He am none all 'round. BLUNDEES IK HUNTINS. Ill As de greatest dog dat kin be found — Some sed he wos ob de setter breed, An Tone sed — he was indeed I And Doctor Jones, de learned farrier, Sed he was a full blooded tarrier — Mixed wid de pinter and de bull, Derefore, I tink his blood was full ; But I fear dat meny peopled lied, 'Bout dat dog, kase I spied All his traits, and raly do belebe Dat &ej fool'd old Tone and him decebe. And I tink all dare stories am a fable, Kase he only iarry'd round de table ; Sept when twas cold, he'd nebber mobe, But try to tarry 'round de stobe. As to his settin qualities, I dare say. He'd set in doors on a rainey day ; As to his beln a pinter, he's bin none to pint All day at beef or mutton jint, Perwidin dat he coodent touch it ; Ef he cood, he'd bin sure tg "fotch it."' But of him I've had a nuff to say, Septin dat his hair was gray ; And dat his tail turn'd up a little. And form'd a hook to hang a kittle. Besides dis dog. Tone had a gun. And wid dem we tort we'd hab sum fun ; And like de wite folks go a shootin, And true de wbods keep up a hootin To scar de burds and luff dem fly. So iwe cood " Bim " dem in de eye. When we got all redy for de xpedishun, We foand we hadent no amanishun ; 172 BLACK DIAMONDS. An so we boutc a haff a pown At de grocery in de toan. Tone sholdered de dog, and off we went, On a day's sgortin fully bent. We hadent gone fur, afore I hurd Somfin in de'bushes like a burd ; I grabed de dog, and fired spralin, And shot a great big, " Wat-yon call-em ?" A anamile wid hair on, like a trunk, I tink de farmer call'd it a big skunk. Ob one ting sassagefried to be I orter, Dat is, he don't carry Cologne water ; Kase we hadent bin dar berry long Afore we smelt somfin mitey strong ; And no doubt if we'd staid dar longer, Dat boff ob us wood hab grown stronger. Here de dog showed his dttin quite sublime For he set on a log moss all de time. Well ! on we went to look for game, And next we shot a — Wats-his-name ? I dont 'zactly like to menshun here, What de cretur was, for fear I mite be brote into some scrapes, Like de little boy who stole de grapes; But ef enny ob you hear de farmers talk, 'Bout dere loosin some " little pork," 'Bout two monfs old, sent to roam In de medder, little way from home, , Tell dem de ditches am berry deep. And little pigs will in dem creep ; I noe de holes am deep dar bout, Kase I got in one, nor cood git oat 'Till nuncle Tone, reched he butt ob gun, BLUNDERS IN HUNTING. 173 i And pull'd like Satin, wen out I cum. Wen I got out, I blessed a few, Kase I spiled my close and got wet tru ; When I got home (twixt you and me), I dident feel in sich high glee As in de mornin' wen I started ; In fac, I wos haff broken-hearted — Kase dis ole stingy congregation. Wood almost suffer suffercation, Afore dey'd chip up to git me close In place ob dem I spil'd, I nose ; But ef you dont fork ober rite, I wont lectur for you 'nudder nite, But set up a shop to sell de clam, Ef I dont, may I be .' Your obedient servant, J. C. H . N. B.^De toregom epick, I am led to xpeek. Will be red mong a great wariety. Afore de Historical Siety, At dere sellembraton in December ; Kase last year, if I remember, One ob my lecturs come berry nie Gittin an xplainity. By one ob de Jarned professhun, Who had one in his possesshun, And only waited to be call'd out. Wen he, de hole ting wood hab bawl'd out. Ef enny ob dem dis year do it, I'll speck a medel wid blue ribbon to it. To war roun' my neck, whar ere I go, Like de chain ob Barren SpolascO. 114 BLACK DIAMONDS. And now wid mucli politeness, I bid you all good niteness ; But afore you go, luff de silver sound In de sasser as it passes round. LECTURE LIII. FIRST LOVE. Chosen Chums — I RISE to-nite and make my bow. To commence a beginin, but somehow I don't feel rite 'bout de lied, My idias flow like chunks ob led — Not like leden balls in de heat ob battle, Dat round de hed ob sogers rattle. And try to perpetrate big holes, To luff de daylite in 'pon der soles. But like chunk led, hard as steel, Dat's de way my tinkin apperatus feel. Wood you noe what makes me feel so sad 1 Its bekase I am 'bused so mity bad, By country Editors round about, Who sisarize my lecturs out Ob de Picayune — a handsome sheet Published doun in Fulton street. I don't mind dere stealin from me so, Perwidin dey luff dar readers noe FIRST LOVE. ' Its Whar dey get dem from, den you- see It will add to my celebraty. I nebber notice no sich capers By de editors of de English papers, Ease Reynold's Miscellany, and de Lqndon Times When e'er dey use my prose or rhymes, Always takes good car to prate Dat it come from ole York State, Prom a paper called de Picayune, Dats always lively in its tune. Derefore ^ou kin plainly see, Dat its only de cute Yankee Dat will pilfer odder people's brain, In order to permote der gain ; Bnt when I inwardly reflect, I don't noe as I cood else expeck, Seein what chunks ob wisdom fatl Prom dis old hed, now niely ball — De world wants litenin berry much, And ef I gub de siantific touch. And lite de brilliant torch ob siance, And set ignumrence at defiance, 'Twill aid de kause ob edication, To send my lectures fru de nation — Derefore I wopdent car a pin. To see dem copid o'er agin ; Dat dey may tru de country fly, Promgroceree to groceri ; Dat ebberybody fruout de land May full and squarely understand De principles ob 'mortal siance, Den wood I feel a firm reliance, Dat I am fully understood 116 BLACK DIAMONDS. Truout de world's wast naborhpod. But I fear my ryme am gittin prosey, For I see so menny brudders dozy ; Ef dey dou't wake up naity quick, I'll corns doun on 'em like a tousend brick.- How dar you nod and shut you eye When I'm lecturin in sweet poetri ? — My frens I got spmfin serious to tell 'Bout a suckumstance dat me befell On Long Iland — in de airly part Ob July, and its moss brok« my hart ; I nebber node what 'twas afore, To feel de tender pashum to de core ; But now I am compelled to say Dat sence de mornin ob dat July day, I've libed in dreams in and out ob bed, An' in clowdy castels, painted red, Wid golden doors and starlite sealin — In fact I can't portray my feelin ; For Kupid wid his silbef arrar, Hab piered my 'fections to de marrar ; And arter passin a wartus life, I tink' I better git a wife, To do my washin and mend my close. And do up sweet meats, kase who nose But what my wages may be raised (F^ sich good luck, de Lord be praised), Up to a pint dat I cood afford To take a house and a few to bord.' But I'm off my track, I was gwane to tell How I fell in lub wid " Isabelle," And in order to make de 'cription neeter, I tink I'd better change my meeter — FIRST LOVE. * 177 And prove to you by de trial, Dat I kin rite in de Byronic stile. Isabelle ! Isabelle ! 1 Isabelle I ! ! 'Tis strange you hant me still, I only seed you 'bout an hour. While I was lofin on de hill. I've tried alas ! to banish you Far from memory's seat. But, oh 1 my burnin tlioughts will cling To you dear gall, like 'lasses sweet. 'Twas airly on a summer's morn, While standin nie a silant mill, I seed her take a paff dat led Directly up de big green hill. Two milkin pails war in her grasp, Ana as she tripped along, I tort dat form I'd like to clasp, Or make de burden ob a song. She had a little stream to cross, Dat run in bubbles nie de rode ; I boldly steped to her and axed Ef I mite help her wid her lode. She raised her great big eyes on me, Dat shine as brite as ebenin star. And set de pails doun on de grass, And sed she raly didn't car. I fust set boff de pails across, And den come back for she, And lifting her up by de waste, She trembling cross'd de plank wid me. 8* 178 * BLACK DIAMONDS. When I clasped her in my atms, I found her lim's was berry stout, But good fresh milk and corned pork Am sure to bring sich tings about. When we reached de odder side, We boff set doun togedder, I pressed her hand 'twixt boff ob mine. And found dem, like sole ledder. Dere war gum biles on ebbery jint. From little finger to de tumb, But oh ! her eyes bewitched me so, Dere buty almost struck me dumb. Upon de side ob dat old hill, I spent de happiest hour Dat mortal ebber cood s'pose Was in a mortal's power. For oh ! in dat bref space ob time, I lost and gained a hart. And I tink dat for de time it took, 'Twas bein putty smart. Dar now, you'b herd de hole ting tru, And my minds relebed a few ; And I tink I bar you loudly say, Marry her Julius 1 'pint de day I Buy up de clams to make de soup. And if you can't go to TJrupe ♦ To Cony Hand you kin go, And spend de fust monf or so. And den come back a feelin better, And go to work for bread and butter. WILL TRAVEL CURE LOVE ? 119 Now ef you all am mind to 'gree To pay for de glorious spree, I'll go to Isabelle and tell her It kin eome off at Anty Clawson's seller. Old Jake will make de fiddle ring, And Sam will touch de banjo string | We'll dance de reel and crackerwain, 'Till Halumlnjah come again. Derefore my lads and lasses, Fill up de sasser as it passes, Brudder Somendike I trust Will hand it to de ladies fust. LECTURE LIV. WILL TRAVEL CURE LOVE ? CoBROPTED Mortals — I PINT, on dis 'portant casiori, brudder Brastus J. Arlington Jefferson Butts to road my 'pistol to you ; I ean't do it myseff, bekase at de same time he am readiu dis to you, I, your sheppard, am ober two hundred miles away from his flosk ob black sheep — derefore, listen to him wid dat same 'tentiou dat you always pay to me. I am now rnstifying in de old rebolutionary town ob Bosson, Massa- chusetts, from which pint ob de cumpasus I wolegize to you dis ebenin. De kommittee dat was pinted to vestigate de slander dat de sisterhood scandelized me wid truout do naborhood, met on de ebenin pinted, and 'cussed de matter wid all dere harts, and brot in de common wardick ob de day — dat no- body was to blame. Nobody dident do notin to nobody, 180 BLACK DIAMONDS. • and kinder 'luded dat dey tort Isabelle wus lopsided in de intellect — and dey told me I had better trable a little to get de consequences out ob my mind. Dey seed my hart was niely bustin, and in de hite ob dere charity, dey made up a purse ob five dollars, and devised me to go on a day's fuddle, and look in de pictur shop winders, in order to git my mind off de trnbble dat make sich fringment on my appetite and sleepatite, but luff my drinkatite unrepaired. Derefore I take my old Gen. Jackson stiled hat, and I took free cents vfOTt ob trable to Bohoken, but dere I meet so many lub- bers wid dere dullsinnas, dat it only made me haff ded to hab Isaljelle 'long wid me — and when I dulged myseff wid a two cent glass ob ise cream, to cool my biirnin pashun, I found I had pocketed de man's spoon, insted ob payin him for he cream. But he dident luff me to labor long in de delusion, for he nocked my new wite second hand knok down ober my eyes and tpok de spoon out ob my pocket. De boys 'round and 'bout de stand, roard wid lafter, and fru up dere hats in derigon ob your poor old speeker, and hooted at me way up to de Elisha Fiels. Den I went to a stan, and eat fifty raw clams, jis to dewert my mind and appetite, but - de more clams 'I swallered de hebier my konshunce felt, and so I 'eluded to stop afore I oberloded my stomjack. I found dat de trabble ober dare dident do me no good, kase I was obsolutely sick wen I got home to Anty Claw- son's, whar I ribed just soon enuff to git home. Dar I found a letter for me, from Brudder Greedy, who can read, rite and sifer — to cum up to Bossnn for my helf — and soon as I read it, I dident noe 'zactly what to do, and I done it 'megetly. I went doun to sebrel abolishun brudders in New York, and got letters ob inducement to sebrel brudders in dis town ob crooked streets and hotels. Well, wen I got all redy to start, I packed up my police, and put dat ruffle WILL TRATEL CUKE LOVE 7 181 shirt dat brudder Hyatt gub me, on de top, so as not to kick up a muss wid it. Den my big headed kane, dat wus presented to me by de Angelic Eel Skinin Benefisball Siety, wen 1 wus 'lected a onery member, was brott in inquisishun, and shakin bans wid Anty Clawson, and takin a little com- position to purvent de kolera, I made a clearance for de steambote for dis Bossunburgh„ When I got abord de bote, a feller ax me ef I speck'd a bbf abord. I tole him I dident noe what mite happen in de ladies' cabin. Den he laff, and sad I was stupid, and dat ef I speck to sleep enny, I muss take a birf in a foreard car cabin, and pay fifty cents extra for de same. So J paid de feitterance, and airly ex- pired to bed ; but all de time Isabelle was a ninnin in my wool, and like •fleas on a shaggy dog, dere wus no gittin rid ob it. I laid dere foolosifizein on de chances ob gittin blowed up wid de biler — and I dident car who was bloud up fuss, me, or all hands^wen I found sumfin runnin ober my bed asides idias, and de same may be sed ob my hole body, kase on gittin a lite, I found I had got into a burf already ockepied by more trabelers den I wish'd to swosheate wid. I picked up two or tree and took dem to de' steward, and ax him what he done wid dem fellers abord. He sed he put 'em dar to fatten on darkeys till dey grow as big as sea turkels, and den wen dey got to be big-bugs, he stuffed fried monkeys wid dem, wid cowcumber sass, and perturnip dump- lins. I soon found out dat I coodent git no sassagefacshun from him, and as' I, dident want to spend de nite 'mong sich suckers as I found in my berf, I had to walk de deck all nite, and wen I woke up in de mornin I found I hadent slept none all nite, and I wus sick abed. I was trablin for pleasure and piece ob mind. I dident find de fust article, and ef I dident git piece ob mind, I got my body moss nocked to pieces on de rale rode, which am all de same in 'Dutch. 182 BLACK DIAMONDS. Wen I ribed in Bosson, I went up to de Severe House and handed' de waiter my caird. In a short time de boss ob de house, cum to me, and looking at me all ober, like a jockey does a hoss, he sed, "DatI looked suspeckable 'nuff, but reely he coodent take me in." Dat wus de fust hotel I ebber hurd ob whar folks was not taken in, in sum way or odder, I noe de more de waiters take a feller in de better dey like him. Well, dei), I dident noe wat to dOj and I tort I do dat fust, and I did. But wat it was I will tell you in ii nudder letter from dis old tea-pot country. De kollecshuns taken up in my absence, must be sent to me, to git me home agin — derefore, chip up brisklee when de sasser flows 'round, an belebe me, 1 am, all dat, Proffessor Julius Seazer Hannibal, R. M. T. S. F. R. S. B. C. ASS, and S. L. in Q. LECTURE LV. GRAND RECEPTION IN BOSTON. B Whalin Frens : lN*de last pistol I sent you, I told you how de boss at de Severe House woodent take me in. De reason was, I speck he tink I was a confugetif from de Souf. But it dident worry me none, kase I hadent bin here in dis city morn a nour afore de news 'ribed by de spress wagon dat I wus dere, and a cummittee ob forty-fibe from de Anti-Ig- numrence Benefishal-own-your-own-Shirt Siety, waited on me at de hotel, wid red aprons on, and bajjers on der cotes; The Prolessor on a Target Excursion. GRAND RECEPTION AT BOSTON. 183 and fonnin a paltrooh iii frunt ob de house, I walked out on de pizarro jis as stiff as ef I borded dere, and felt as proud as Daniel Lobster, when he 'dressed his cornstockewents, frum the same place lass year, 'bout B Plurebus Unum and Political Politicks. De kommitte told me dere wus a great gedderin ob de cnlored folx at Brudder Jonson's Eatin House, watin to heer me spoke. I pulled out de ruffle ob my shirt, and jined de breddern at once. They toted me up one crooked 'treet and down anudder crooked 'treet, and cum round to de place whar we started from, and den dey led me doun a holler in a 'treet 'bout tree foot wide, and at de sine ob de " Black Sheep" we stoped an went in. Here I found a big room filled wid brudders and sisters, who recebe me wid much stinkshun. Under de big room was an eatin restora- tive — de reason why dey call it a restorative, am bekase a good many tings hab bin restored to der ritefuU owner, dat de police hab from time immoral found on de premices. Dere wus a platform at one end ob de room, and 'pon it set my old friend Deacon Snowball. He rised and induced me to de bredderin, and den took he seat. I axed him wus he gwane to spoke, and he said no, dat he had to gib up preachin sometime ago, kase like odder preecher mans, he got de brownkritters in de trote, but he coodent, like dem , fellers, go souf for he helf, so he had to grin and bare it. and choke it doun de bess way he cood. Den I got up and told dem de coperosity ob my mind dident seem to segos- heate at de present period, and dat I coodent distress dem dat ebenin, but ef dey'd take up a kollecshun dat nite, I'd gub dem fits de next ebenin. Den dey took up a prescrip- tion in a hat, fur me, mountin to fibe and sixpence and two bad pennies, and den dey wited me to go to supper below. ' Wen I got dar I found a long table spred wid plates, wid 184 BLACK DIAMONDS. fire roast clams in de shell on ebery plate, and a cracker by de side. Soon as we eat de clams, we had a corse ob clam soup — den a corse ob fried clams, den more rost clams, and den a doenut a piece ; den we had cowblay soup ; tomatto, stew'd wid fickcaseed turnips ; den dare wus a corse ob Welsh rabbit, stewed in de shell, serbed up wid turtle dube jelly and skipper cheese (we had a lively time wid dis cheese). It cum all de way from Smiff's Hand, nie Fidelfy — den dere wus a great wority ob meat — sheep, lam and mutton, and burloney sassengers turnd ober— ^aud de cum- pany perspired for de nite— and I went to bed, too, dere bein one prepared fur me in de house. Afore we supperated, we all had a little bit ob perwentative composition. You see, dey darsent sell no licker up here, but dey drive a stif bis- ness in de composition bitters line — and it tastes and smells as much like brandy, as the law will allow. De nex mornin two ob de brudderin took me round to see de toun, and I look all round de warfs for de tea chisls dat de Yankees got mad 'bout, and trowed oberboard, but I coodent find none ob de tea, nor de chists nudder ; and as I dident see notin ob dem, I don't belebe de hole story. But de folks on here belebe it — one elderly sister dat dey call Anty Breeder, showed me her tea-pot, what her grand- mudder gub her kase it wus a querosity, it bein one ob de dientical tea-pots dat was berried when de folks swore dey woodent buy no more tea frum John Bullock. I ax dem ef dey tort I wus a tea-pot 'nnff to belebe sich a storry as dat. Sence I bin here I got a good meny eornsoEn letters frum home, and I tink I will cum back and * Let Isabella go to — thunder, and not mind her no more. WISE CONCLUSIOKS. 185 LECTURE LTI. CONCLUSIONS. Lajtbasious Lambs : Here I is, returned to yon like a borrowed pound ob candels. I is mity glad to see sich a croud sembled bar on dis 'portant caision. I tink de trabel to ole Bosson sitty hab done me good, kase I knm back to oje York better sassagefied wid it den ebber, notwidstandin de sassy omni- bus dribers, de roudies, de poor milk, de aflSicting Com- mon Scoundrels and de tea room, and I gis made up my mind dat dis am de only place whar Christian Christianity am fully practiced. Ebbery ting 'bout Bosson seems to be cramped up like a miser's hart. De 'treets am cramped and crooked. De minds ob de peepel am cramped. Menny ob de folks I met dere complained ob bein cramped in de pocket, and almoss all de time I wus dere I had a cramp in my stomjack, and had to hab a standin subscription in my pocket from de dockter man, or else dey woodent hab gub me a drop ob brandy all de time. I wus dar. Tou all noe dat de Maine Licker Gag Law am in full forse now in dat poor forsaken country, and no rum kin be had — but de Yankees noe a dodge or two. Dey hab inwented a tem perence bitters, kalkelated to purefy the blood ob old drink- ers, which dey sell as fast as free cent pieces ian roll in. Its a perventatiye to de colera, and it am astonishin how menny folks dere am in Bosson dat hab suddenly become afeerd of dis disease. Scarsely a nour am allowed to enter- 186 BLACK DIAMONDS. wene atwene de tacks ob fear, and den a little ob de per- wentative sets dem all rite for a nudder nour. I tole you in my last letter to you how I wus vited to Spoke to de bruddern dere, and how I dident. Now, I tell you how I did. I tole dem how I fell in lub wid Isabelle, and how I hab been slandered and debused to her till de match wus busted up and I wus trublin for a broken hart. I met wid much simperty and small change. I got de for- mer frum de sisters and de latter frum de brudders. De sisters, de Lord bless 'em, simpsized berry much wid me. I wus vited out to tea and doenuts ebbery ebenin while I wus dar, and sich a display ob sweetmeats and goodies ginerly, you nebber seed ; apple sass and, stewed clams ebbery time. I tell you d at de cullerd folks no4 how to lib in Bosson. True, de wite abolishonest won't hire dem to do no work as long as dey kin git an Irishman at haff price. 'But dere de cullerd folks am all bosses, and you'l find out; you black scorpians, who am boss here ! I cum home agin, and you shall noe — " How much de Ass who went abroad to rome, Exceed de Ass dats luft at-home." When enny ob de aristockracy goes off a trablin to for- rin parts, and cum home agin, dey always can't shabe no more, and muss hab euri>eous cut cloze on, and dey muss assume de airs ob dey pepil de bin wid, else how de debil wood ennybody noe dey bin dar. How cood yoij. belebe a man had made a sea voyage unless you hear himsware — and how will folks noe I bin trablin widout I ware har all ober my face, and comb my mustashers to a pint, like a mouses tail, and git a cote too big for me, wid a fur koller on wid de tail cut all off smack smoff, wid sleeves big 'nuff to hold a haff peck pb taters and a dirty shirt. Derefore, I muss WISE CONCLUSIONS. 187 heb all dese tings afore I make my devbuit in Broadway. Ef you don't chip up and git me dese tings, I'll go back to Bosson airly in de mornin. I want to swell as well as de udder ob de "Upper crust, and I mast hab my sallary raised perpendickler at onst. No backin doun.on dat, you hear ? Auudder ting we want and must hab, am an organ' in dis room, kase de shuffliu ob your big feet make sich a noise on de flo when you go out, dat a feller can't hear heseff tink. I nose an Italian round de corner dats got a hand-organ dat he will sell cheap, but whoeber buys de organ muss buy de moukey — and de idia ob my congregashun buyin a mon- key am prospiterous. I tink we better buy boff, and send de organ here and de monkey to de Common Counsil. We want de organ to play de wolentendicktory ' as you lebe de seller ; same as de organs in de church do, when dey let out. But de question rises — who will be organist ? How much will he cost ? Can't we train de monkey to play on it ; Dese am questions dat 'quire manure judgement, and dere- fore I gib you all a whole week for de siderashun ob de same — and klose proseedings for de nite. I is 'bliged to de Tune Fork Sie^y for de Sarahnade dey gub me on de nite I got home. It w'us berry butiful indeed, and no dout I shood hab liked it amazin ef I had hurd it, but I dident happen to sleep home dat nite— I wus condolin wid a sick sister, and dident happen to hear de-mewsic, but I hurd dat de bones used on de caishun wasent squite in tune. "Will Brudder Alabama Joe pleese pass round de sasser and look out for counterfit money. 188 BLACK DIAMONDS. , LECTURE LVII. THE INDIAN SUMMER. Loquacious La'ms : De season will afford me a subjick for wibration dis ebenin. We am now, 'cordin to de almanack, in de midst ob de Ingia Summer. De wildest poets ob 'Merica hab used up sebreal quires of foolscap and penny candles in tryin to do justice to de perculiar emotions dat dis season always trows into de hart ob de lubber of natur ; but dey can't do it to dere sassagefaction, -and derefore dey try a new one at ebery return ob it. De reson dat it am call'd de Ingin sommer am bekase de wedder, like de- Ingin, am mity treacherous, and ungartin ; de sun will rise as yellar as a big pumpkin in de mornin, and will warm up de arf like h6 does in June, for a nour or two, and den he luff a ice bugg cum afore his face, and chill all creation by dinner time, and cause a rise in coal ob tree cents on a haff a peck afore nite. Just so it am wid de Ingin. He will smile in your face while he am sharpenin he scalpin nife or tommyhauk to cut your troat wid in de middle ob de nite time. Derefore, you see de simalarity am perpendickler. Massa Bryant, de poetizer, who am always found at he " Post," sez dat dis am de lemoncoly season ob de year. I tiuk he muss hab ment lemoncolourcd season, for if yon notice, de sun heseff looks like a polished lemon, and he tinges eberyting wid lemon dat he shines 'pon. I lub to walk at THE INDIAN SDMMER. 189 dis time ob de year beyond de pale fence ob sibilization, and git ober,into Jarsey and cogitate on de latter ends ob man- kind. For dis purpose I took my big cane and snuff box and a woiage across de'bshun to Bohncken, tudder day. We had a cargo ob Dutch folks and Dutch pipes abord, all ob which smoked all de way ober. When I ribed dar I found dat old Jack Frost had paid de country a visit, and probably stayed all nite, for he had been dere long 'nuff to paint de trees in waragated colours. Sum he tinged in gold, some in purple and sum in red — de ceder, like de hard hearted sinner am too proud to turn, and derefore am gis as green as ebber. De lass time I seed dese trees dey wus all beaufully green, like a newly arribed boy from dg country, and, like de lad, dey sported away in de full belief dat dey wood always be young and bright ; but old Jack Frost hab 'bin mong dem, and sprinkled dere heads wid frost, and de lebes, like de' follies ob youf fram de old man, am fallin tick and fast frum de old staid trees, lebin dem stripped and sturdy to widstand de blastin winter. De little birds, too, dat 'pear- ed so mity glad dat I cum ober to see dem in de spring, dat dey chirped and sung all 'round me in de woods ; jumpin fust frum one lim to anudder to get a peep at, me. Dey, too, am gone ; dat old Jack Frost shook he finger at dem, and drove dem off; dere wasent one to greet me wid he glad song ; and eben de old bull frogs, who gub free consorts fur notin all de season, frum sundown till sun up, hab gub up de ghost since Gresi and Mario hab cum, and dey ain't got a word to say for demseff. As I stood lookin at de swamp where dey use to was, I tort dat de poet was "bout right, when he compared dis world to a big frog pond, and all de pepil to frogs. I will read you what he sez, and see ef he am rite or not. 190 BLACK DIAMONDS. DE FROG POND. Dis world am all a frog pond, I tink, widout de joke, Ders frog's ob ebery species come To kick about and croak ; Day kick and croak trough marsh and ponds, To catch dar share ob snacks, Until death comes a frog fishing, And wop's dem on dar backs. De frog am a bird, "Widout wing or fedder ; He sing all de spring. In spite ob wind or wedder. Crook! crook!! crook!!! De lawyer he's a nffisy frog, He crooks about his fob ; Upon some mossy bank he sits A waitin' for a job ; But should you chance to want his aid, And cum widout de pelf, He'll quickly leap into de stream. And leabe you croak yourself. , De editur, ho'm a lean frog, Wid scarse 'nulf to eat, An' generly so crippled •He kan't make both ends meet ; De same to him am day and nito, At work you'll always find him, He writes to please, when he please to write Though^poverty may bind him. De preast, he am a yellor frog, He crooks from morn till nite. He gibs de debil's d to all Who do not say he's rite ; THE INDIAN SUMMER. 191 De justice, he'm a bull frog, He does justice in de pounds, He seats hesefif on sum high log, And sings out " blood an' nounds." De gambler, he'm a leap frog. He leaps frum crime to crime ; De poet, he'm a scaly frog, Dat croaks about in rhyme ; De lover am a green frog, And isn't he a sad soul? De dandy neber drops he tail, But always am a tadpole. Polytishuns am de needy frogs, Daf crook in windy speeches, Sometimes dey am no frogs at all, But a kind ob two-legged leeches ; He'll tell you he's de only man In de nation can be trusted. And ef you don't put him in power, De counteree am busted. Ef dat ar'nt poltry it am truffnl, and dat's gis as good. I torn'd and luffd de spot, Oh ! do not deem me weak When \ tell you dat I'd^ot A cold in my leflF cheek. And an old smangled stump, Dat used to ake me so. Agin begin to jump. And sed •' I better go." And I hab de toof ake eber sence. Will Brudder Bunnel please pass 'round de sasser, while Sam Toolips will turn de organ and play "Poor "Uncle Tom." 192 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LVIII. on gen. scott. My Stingy Herers — I PROMISED lass week to tell yous who and what Brig-a-Dig Gen'ral Windy Scotch am ; derefore, he him- self will form de lenf and breff of my subjick dis ebenin. Gen'ral Scotch was born in a soger cote, wid big bell buttons on, wich de nuss sed was a nignomen dat he was boru for a soger man — which nignomen cum true rite away ; kase as soon as Scotch was big 'nuff to know a broomstick from a mustick, he enter'd de armey as a powder monky, and showed as great sagashity for de okkepation as Donazetta's Artists do for deres. He soon ribed to be captin of a miletary company, and when he was dressed up in de unicorn wid his knackbacks on he back and appledoff on he sholders, he look'd as brave as a sheep iu a butcher cart. From ridin' de broomstick in airly life he soon lern'd to ride a ho^s, and wen he was mounted on his hobby he could outride riders, and he grew up a great gen'ral, berry fond ob sogerin and clam soup. D§re am no noein when he fast akkuired de lub ob soup, but he -has 'dulgd his apertite freely for a long time. De only ^me when he forgot dat healfy beberage was when he cum do^;, on de British at Lunday Lane, and giv' dem fits wid charge ' bayenets. Talk 'bout yur telemgraffs ! why he bete dat all holler in de rapidity of he movements ; and afore de enemeazels had time to blow de smoke away from afore dere afrited vizagers, he was on dem and all ober dem'like a pot ob soup a bilin obber, and day gub up de ghost ; and den ON GEN. SOOTT. 193 de poets make song 'boat de wictory, and de Gen'ral took a plate ob soup. De nex' time his deeds stood out on de page ob history was wheu be took de soger boys to Meidco, And gub dem stingo From Sandamingo, by jingo-!' Dese Mexicans kicked up a mus wid us, and tort dey cood flog ole ruff and reddy. But ole Pork and Beans gub dem fits. Dere was an old she dragon down dere named Sarah Gorden, dat none ob de natives cood master. But Massa Gen. Taylor took de starch out ob her bonnet, and left her in notin but a terrable bussel. Well dere was one feller dat took up de fiteforher, kase she got whipped, and he was found one mornin' by daylite by Gen. Scotch, who was a marchin' on to Mexico. Dis feller's name was C. Palter Peck, and when Gen. Scotch told him to surrender, he sed he'd see him burn'd fust, else he wood- in a minerte. Well den de Gen'ral tuk a hasty plate ob soup, and went at him and tan'd he jacket for him in less den no time, and sent him home wid a bloody nose and a flea in he ear for he gublerment. Den he took a plate ob clam soup for 'freshment and 'laxation, and sent home de dispatch wid all de rounds ob de fite in it. Den he took mcfre clam soup and moved on to de town ob Mexico, where he marched in at de head ob de army, like King Shibbreem ob old did when he went " Away obber Jorden." Here he, made de peeple pay all his 'xpenses for comin' dere to Uck 'em, and den he come home and made capital on de intrest he got in Mexico, or else he made intrest on 9 194 BLACK DIAMONDS. de capitol, I don't noe which ; but he cum back, and de sogers here turn'd out and he view'd dem and review'd dem to he hart's content. Den he took a plate ob clam soup for heseff. WMl de nex' ting we here ob him he am nomenated for to be de Presemdent ob de Sunited Tates, by de conwenshun ob wig makers at Baltimore, and I tell you he makes a tall canditate — he is six foot ten or ten foot six in his stoekins, I forget which. He can play de Scotch fiddle fuss rate, kase he took lessons from ole Professor Scratch heseff. Dere's one ting dat makes me 'mire he taste, and dat's ^e great lub ob clam soup. If dere am ennyting dat shows de uppecurian, it am a lub ob clam soup, and derefore, I go for him ; kase if he get 'lected, clam soup will be de order ob de day, and Anty Clawson will make a fortun'. And — who put de lites out dere ? Say 1 who wos it ? I hear you all a snickerin in de dark. I fiad out by nex' 'lectur' nite, and I'll gub dem fits. It's a shame to stop me in de middle ob a discord, jis when I was comin' to de cream. But I nose de reason you done it, you black scorpians — it was so you coodn't put notin in de sasser — kase nobody kaa hand it round in de dark. But I'll fix yon, anudder nite. Jake Bighed, open de gate and luff de flock disparce. MORALITT. 195 LECTURE LIX. moealitt. Revulgin Heakees : As de political campain proceeds, morality makes a retrogate movement and Vances backwards. As 'lection day 'prochis, de sale ob rum increases, till I speck dat by de Forf ob Nowember New York will be fluded wid de same. Tings hab got to dat pitch when a rise in camfene am considered nessesary, in order to meet de grate demand by the free cent dealers. Takin all dese tings into 'sidera- tion, I hab 'eluded, by de help ob de almanack, to discord to you dis ebenin on de snbjick ob MORAL MORALTIT. I tink it behaves me to spoke plain, so dat you, my frens, may not fall wictums to de wices ob de day. I found out a good dele 'bout de morality ob de age todder nite, berry akedently, too, dat pulled de wool off ob my eyes 'maisinly. I will tell you how it wus, for your edication. You all noe Dandy Lem, one ob de hundred head waiters at de Misterpolitan Hotel. Well, Lem wus one ob de main infrinments in gittin up de Sarahnade for me on de. nite I cum home from Bosson, and played upon the comborion on dat noisy 'casion — so I tort one nite lass week, when I wus walkin out for medowtation, dat I'd gis stop in and see him ; BO I call'd at de kitchen door, and wus soon seated atween two ranges full ob fire, whar de debon\etor must hab been a good ways above phizarro, kase I took a warm baff in 'bout 196 "BLACK DIAMONDS five minits. Bf I had been libin on de Isle ob Wife, which I find on de map ob Jersey, I coodent a felt more bleached den I did when Lem-cum doun stars and rescued me frum my meltin mood by witin me p stairs in his " studio," whar he blacks de gemraon's boots. Dar we talked ober de aft ob polishin different tings, and Lem sed he had recebed a stugent dat day to lam de art. I told Lem dat his profes- shtei wus pretty much like mine, and odder great teachers ob mankind, kase we all tried to polish de understandins, and I dident see but what he made de best show ob he laburs. Dat made Lem feel mity proud. Arter complimentin me on my siantific requirement, he axed me ef I ebber seed a play, in de play-house. I told him, " Yes ; I recumlocked goin to de -teatre, gis to study character, when young and' afore my edication was confuted and finished, and seein Hamlet, or Gimblit, de Prince, ob Dunkirk, where one ob de Rochester Nockers cum to tell de Prince 'bout de syrup ob swills on de Porkenpine — and I once seed Micalbeth performed by a Scotch soger man in berry short cloths." "Ah," sed Lem, "talk ob short close, gis you cum wid me fru de private door us fellers hab made frii de garret wall, and I will take you to de gallery ob Massa Niblo's Saloon, and I'll show you sites in dat way." So I followed Lem up a dozen crooked stairs, and at last he opened a little door, and sure 'nuff we was in to Niblo's gallery. De house was full ob folks, and as I looked down 'pen de stage, I seed a hole lot ob lubly lookin wimmon jumpin' bout in dresses dat make me blush. " It shocks my modesty berry much," sed I to Lem, " but I wish I had one ob dem dubble barrfeld spy-glasses dat I see all de gemmon hab, gis to see 'zactly how neer being dressed dey am." MORALITY. 191 As I sed dis, a tall figure dressed in a suit ob jacket and tight briohes, cum bouncin on de stage. " Who am dat ?" axed I to Lem. " Dat's Madum Soso," sed Lem. " Git out," sed I, 'stonished to de back bone. "Dat aint a womon do, am it ?" " Yes it am," sed Lem. " She's dancin out de caractor ob de ' Sivil Barber,' and dat lady dere, in de gauze dress, am Miss Pourgee ; de pepil like to see 'em as much unlum- bered wid dress as possibel." Well, I wus puttrified wid 'stonishment, to see Soso and -de rest kick up dere heels, frow der legs up, and hear de folks scream ancore, or show^ more, I coodent disackly hear which, but de more dey danced and spun 'round, de more de pepil liked it, speeily de ole wite haded fellers in de seats nie de fiddlers — dey stamped and claped and smacked dere ole chops so loud dat I heerd dem plain 'nuff to be sartin. Putty soon all de ladies in pink stockins and short frocks cum doun to de lites, and made dere arms and legs fly in ebbery direcshun ; den dey all whirl 'round and try to make a pot chese hke de school girls does, and den doun cum de curtin, and de gass at de same time. "Why, I dident speck to see sich tings as dese," sed I to Lem, as we grope^, our way back. " I tort dis wus a garden, full ob trees and flowers." " So it am," sed Lem, "fur 'bout fifty foot in de middle ob de lot, dey call it garden to kotch dem pepil dat like to whip de debil 'round de stump. Dere am a great menny folks who wood go to a garden. Museum, Athaneum, or a Lyceum, when dey woodent be seen at a teatre." " But whars de difference ?" asked I. " De odds," grinningly, sed Lem. I luff Lem, and went and stood by de front door ob de 198 BLACK DIAMONDS. garden, and seed de ladies and gemmen cum out ; and I found dey were de berry most 'specktable class ob wite folks. I seed members ob de church 'mong dem, and derefore I tink it am considered 'specktable to go to sich places. Derefore you may all go to enny sich places as am mentioned by Lem, widout fear ob injurin yonr moral moralities. But ef I cotch enny ob you goin to a Teatre, look out, I'll be doun on you like a sarch warrant. You may go see de moral drama, but luff me cotch you seein de drama widout de moral 'tached to de name, and I'll fine ebbery one ob you a bushel ob coal, as I see no odder way to raise a fire here dis winter. Brudder Bummel will pleese~pass 'round de sasser, and make dem fellers dat want to chip up silver put in two free cent pieces. I don't meen to hab no more nockin doifn on me wid dem church robbin coifis. Nex week I'll gib you some more sass — boff kinds, fur your moral apple dumplins. LECTURE LX. QUACKERY. * iNFAitus Deciples : You will find de words ob my text dis ebenin, in enny ob de noosepapers, ef you look fur it ; and you will find plenty ob it all ober de kedentry widout lookin for it, 'bout dese days, as de almanack sezs ; and de fact ob its bein so prebelent, am de grand reason why I tink I ort to show it up to youf enlarged understandins. I shall derefore emty my nolege.box on de siance qb QUACKERY. ' 199 QUACKERY. Ef a furiner wus to belebe all he hear on his ribal to dis kedentry, he wood put us doun iu he scrach book, for a nation of quacks ; for he am sure to hear somebody call'd a quack 'bout ebery nour in de day, and de fact can't be got ober, nor under, dat dere am a great menny different kinds ob quackery runnin loose all ober de komunity. We hab de quack doctor, de quack preecher man, de quack lawyer, de quack politishun, de quack artist, de quack boot- black, and de quack lecturer. But it is mity hard for us poor ignorent sinners to find out \^ho am de quacks from de Simon pure, ob all de professions in life, Eben I, myseff, wid all my siantific resorses, hab been foold in one "way and annudder, till I douted my own wisdom ; bat I hab cum to kind ob rcfmetick rangement wid myseff, by which I can suffer up de merits agin de demerits ob folks I meet in de world at large, and cum to my own cornclusions, and I will tell you how to find 'em out. Wen you hear a preecher-man take he tex frum de scrip- tur, and preech from de newspapers, and when he use de words ob our Saviour, to probe his politikal docktren iu de pulpit, you may in safty bet your dinner dat he am a quack ! and I don't noe a more contempable man in de site ob de Lord and man, dan a qfuack in relegion. When you hear a lawyer talk 'bout sacrificin he kon- shunce to he bizuess, and offerin to stake his existence on de rezult ob your case in de ward cort, anS at de mme time wants a V or an X for his 'pinion, and boasts ob he nolege ob Blackstone and Bluestone, ef you aint got a nose dat am too flat to smell, you can plainly smell quackery and bad gin, while he am talkiu to you. When you heer a poUytishun spout 'bout his lub ob 200 BLACK DIAMONDS. country, tand de dreful sacrifices he am daily makia for de same, and tell you dat his 'ponent am a liar, a scoundrel, a jack-ass, a platoon, a drunkard, a coward and a tief, you may take your oaf on a stack ob my leckturs, dat lie am a quack, clean doun in he boots. * When you see a gineral, dat am nominated for a high office, runnin all ober de country to find a lot big anuff to bild a Horsepital to keep he wounded in, and stumpin it all de way long, you may put it doun as comstructive quackery , in de third degree, as de Jury sed, when old Jake Longhed stote de saddle wid a horse under it. De quack artist am pretty easily seen fru, but it takeS some "little time to find 'em out, and dats de reason so menny ob de furener musicians and actors dat send money .and ready written puffs ahed ob dem, draw one or two big houses afore de folks find* out dere true merits, and dey find dere lebel. But de quack dat hab puzzled rne de moss to find out, am de quack doctor. Go to the Alempafist, and he will put he hand under he coat-tail and patronizingly .tell you dat de home-pafist, de Crono Turmal, de Water Cure man, and de root-beer and yarb doctors, aU am quacks. Go to eder ob dese fellers, and dey will tell you de same 'bout all de udders, 'cludin de AUapofist. One am always ca]lin de oder quack, 'till a common man don't noe which one to chose in case ob sickness. I seed a berry 'musin seene once, in de 'treet. It wus quite singular dat so menny different kinds ob docktors shood me^ gis at dat time, at dat spot; but so it fell out or fell in, gis as you like. One day, when I was takiu a strole, pickin up reflecshuns for you, I seed a young mob 'round a feller dat lay squirmin on de sidewalk. Dere wus ha£f a dozen different docktors 'rouud him, and dey were 'sputin who cum fust, and who's pashent he wus. De alempafist QUACKERY. 201 « clamed him, and had he lansit in he hand, and wanted to bleed him. He sed it wus a case ob '^ highstrikes," and orf to be blistered on de trunk or chest, I forget which., De homopapist sed it wus his case, and calld for a tub ob water, and sed dat ef de water wus got, and he wus to drop one ob he little pills in it, and luff de man smell it tree times true de week, dat he wood be' well by Sunday. Dis brought out a hydropafist present, who sed "De man don't want to smell de water, or taste it ; he muss habhe hed ducked uiflier all ober, all de morning.". A man wid a paper ob kiann pepper in he hand, beged dat dey woodent fool wid de man, but take him at wonst to some Tom Sonian doctors, and hab de disease bOed outVid ellick compain'and sassa- gefax. While dey were arguin de pint, de man contribed to set up, and looking at de crowd ob specktators wid a gaze wordy ob old Toodles, sed, "Now see here, you fellers don't noe noffin 'bout my case. It ain't water I want, but brandy. I allers did hate that water, and only took it as a medicine." De doctors all sloped, while de people laffed. De fact wus, de man had been taken suddenly drunk, and coodent navagate wid he load no furder, and had fell doun. Now de question rises, which one wus de quack ? Deres no tellin till I git to be a stugent ob medicine myseff, and put de world rite. De blackgards will meet on de useal corner to jiractice de trowin ob old cuds of 'backer and stumps ob segars on wite hats till taken up by de police, prebious afore goin a target shootin. Daddy Rice will please pass 'round de sasser dis time. De hat he used on de last 'caishun I'm afraid hab got a false crown in, for de kolleckshun wus radder short. 9* 202 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXI. BOOK-KEEPINO. Paltjted Sinners : I HAB bin inquested by a disciple who sines lie name " Clerk," to lecture dis ebening on de subjick ob BOOK-KEEPING. Derefore, I will Mo de same, in order, to pleese de inquisitor. I don't noe no dark myseff, spechely, 'septin Tom Woolly- paight's oldest boy Jim. who am clerk to a barber's assist- ent in Antony street, and I don't belebe he nose 'nuff 'bout book-keepin to last him ober nite, derefore I kant kontribe who it am dat wants litenin on dat subjick. Book-keeping am one ob de dryest subjicks dat I ebber 'tempted to kogetate, and I don't noe ob a dryer set ob fellers den de book-keepers gincerely am. One book-keeper told me dat de dryest time he ebber 'sperience, was durin the monflf job August, wuen he had to book ober twenty tousaud boxes ob red herrin. It 'fecte(^ him to dat degree dat he took to drink for more den a week artewards. He positively 'serted dat while he was bookin dese tings, his troat got so dry dat he spit notin but little bits ob cotton all de time. Dere am sebrel kinds ob book-keepers._ Deres de feller dat keeps all de books he kin borrow or steal — den deres de publishers who am compelled to keep more books dan dey want, 'speshely ef dere books don't take. Den deres de folks dat buy more books den dey keep, and dose BOOK-KEEPING. 203 dat keep more books. den deybuy, and I is compelled to say dis latter class am as tick as skeeters in September. Book-keepin hab more to do wid de welfare ob mankind den a man wonld be apt to see at fast sight widout de aid ob a pair on filosofical specktickels, for I find dat all de success ob man's life in dis world and in de world to come, am in a berry great degree dependin on how he books balance. Ef de biggist sum am loud to cumalate on the rong side ob he legger, he bizness muss bust lyj, and he go to de Poor House, and ef he can't show a clean sheet, well balanced, when de final 'counts ob de world am settled up, he will be apt to find hesefi" in a wors place den a Poor House. But prudence, economy, and a proper exemcise ob de bump ob " lib widin your income," will perwent de fuss catastrefy, and an upright life will balance de sheets in de great book ob life. Dis great book ob life am a berry serious ting for a man look into, ef he 'zamin it closely. Ebbery day opens a clean sheet, whereon you may rite good deeds, charity, lub to your fellow man, and homage to de gibber ob all good ; or you may rite I cheated my nabor, I wronged de widdow, I fool'd wid de gifts ob Providence, got drunk, and in de Station House, or ennyting else you pleese. But de worst ob it am dat what am wunst put down in de book ob life kan nebber be scratched out. Its ritten in 'delable ink by de hand ob de recordin angil, and ole Satan heseff karit rub it out. You kant recall de sins ob to-day, to-morrow, mora den you kan cure de headake arter a di-unk by promiceia not to git drunk agiif. I heerd a story 'bout old Uncle Sam Luckey and he rat- taild dog, dat I tink am hiely isustrated on dis fac. Ole Sam and he dog wns a loafin' round Washington 204 BLACK DIAMONDS. Market one mornin, and in dere walks dey steped 'bord on one ob de fishin smacks dat lay in close congelement to do market, and arter lookin at de size ob de king fish and porgees, and feelin de wate ob de clams, he come to a dozen big lobsters dat lay on de poop deck. De dog Tollowed him, and got 'mong de lobsters, and ole Pete Scaley, de Captain ob de smack, tort he'd hab a little fun wid de dog, so he slily puU'd de plugs out ob de big claws ob one ob de lobs- ters, and in less den a minit de pendin tail ob dat dog, dat had hung doun as bea^ul and strate as a penny dip, wus clutched twene de claws ob de lobster, and got a squeze heretofore unnone to de dog. Ponto gub one yelp and leap togedder, and landed on the warf, lobster and all, and away he went true de market, under de feet ob de huxtors and de pie woman, and 'mong de legs ob de butchers, who evidently tort he needed flufk, for dey trowed dem at him at ebery turn. At last he got out ob de market, and up Ke went to Broadway, and scattered de swells and belles in ebbery direction. Pete Scaly and TJncle Sam looked arter de dog in stonishment, and Pete seeing dat he wus likely to pay de price ob lobster for he joke, calld out to TJncle Sam to whistle back de dog. But all Pete cood git out ob Uncle Sam was, " You whistle hack your lobster." But dat lobster wus like de deeds ob yesterday, it coodent be whistled back, and gis as dat lobster cotch dat dog, so ole Satan will cum de open and shut game on you, ef you don't keep your eye skinned for future futurity. Derefore, look out how you keep book, and see dat your good actions will more den ballance de sins and corruptions ob your life. Somebody stole de piece ob weddin cake Brudder Hyatt sent me, and ef I find him out I'll fine him a bushel ob doe- nuts. A DARKEY WEDDING ALMOST. 205 It wasent de rats dat stole it, kase dere aint auy rats in dis seller ; for I kotched mor'n a hundred myseff, in Anty Clawson's trap. I is glad you bout de organ, kase it can play "De ole folks at hoi^." Brudder Godolphus Squash will turn de crank, while Brudder Lem Lazyhed passes 'round de sasser. LECTtTRE LXII. a daeket wedding almost. Suspected Satalites — You see me dis ebenin in a condi^hun onbecomin a public teacher, but when I splain to you how I got dis black eye and flatten'd smeller, I tink you will escuse me fur 'pearin afore you in dis sicherashun, 'spechily wen you take in 'siderashun dat wen I stop my mouff here, my jaws am stoped at home, also likewise. Ef I hadent a lectured to nite, my coughfee and sassengers wood hab cum off radder short in de mornin, kase Anty Clawson, like odder ladis who take borders only for cumpany sake, wants de money for my bord ebery week. I hab tryed berry hard to- poswade her dat money wus -de ^ot ob all ebil, and dat she hadent orter hanker arter ebel so much. All I cood get out ob her insensable hed was, "Well, I kin always find room to plant sich roots in my pockets." And to dis day, ef I don't pay up ebery week, she looks as black agin as possible at me, at ebery meal till de bord am .pade. It am singular how mity perlite she am wen she nose I got de bord reddy fur her. She will lean back in the cheer and 206 BLACK DIAMONDS. say, " Professor, you will find the clam soup fine to-day, I put allspice and unon iti a purpose, kase 1 node you liked dem, and you will find de biled,macrill mity nice ; I got No. 31 gis to please you," &c., butluff me git a week 'hindhand, and ef I take the smallest little bit ob maerill on my plate, slie will flo-it her head back, and rollyup her eyes like a die- ing caff and say, " I did tink when I put that maerill on de table, dat dere wood be 'nuff fur de payin borders,' but ffum present 'perences, I doiit it." Den I remind her dat human kalculashun o^xv fail in dis worle, and she mussent spect too much ; blessed am dey dat speck little, for dey won't be disaj)inted. But dis ain't tellin you now I got dis bunged eye, which I m.ent to do in the fust place, but now I'll tell you all 'bout it. I wus settin tedder nite warmin my shins by the fust fire ob de season, when de seller door opend, and a boy ob some 9 summer, or summer complaints, I forgit now which, as de novellest Say, entered de 'partment. In one hand he held dat useful article, 'bout dese days, none as a pocket-hanker- sher, which he persevered in nsin in de most industrious manner. In de odder he held a Billy Duck, done up wid free corners, and he asked for me by name. My boy, sed I — I always say " my boy " to folks, like d« actors, bekase it looks detrimental and big — ^I am de gemmon you am arter — den he gub me de Billy Duck, in which I found'an inquest to cum megitaly to No. — Pigtail Court, and marry Miss Jamima Pacilla Brown Bentshins to Mr. Camptown Swellhed, Esq. Dere, tinks I to myseff in my hed, am a fifty cent job at least, so I rose up and put on my hat, and told the lad to promulgate -ihither, and I wood impress de aaf in he's rear. A DARKEY WEDDING ALMOST. 201 " Wat you mean, ser ?" ax he. " I mean, in common talk, go on, I'll foller yon," sed I. Well, he led me to Jami^pa's house, and dere wus de cumpany, all r^ddy fur the execution. De bride blushed all she cood when I went in, and de groom begin to whistle Nucy Feal. De bride had on a pink frock wid loose sleebes and roses, and on her brow sat a wreaf ob orange blossoms, and for fear dat enny ob de folks woodent noe what dey wus, she wore a big oiange in her hair 'mong de blossoms, which made her look some punkins, upw, I tell you. De groom wore wite trowsers, green gerocco boots, red west, green cote, wid brass buttons, and in he bosom a dogseera- tipe ob his Inb, in a gilt frame 'bout six by six, which gub him a berry plckturesque 'pearence. Putty soon arter I cum in, dey went a whisperin 'bout, and den big Ben, de whitewasher, wid his hand witewashed, to look like wite kids, cum to me and sed, " We're reddy.' Den I stood up, and de cupple retreated towards me, and I wus gis a gwaue to ax dem de useless question always axed on sich caisons, when de door was busted, open, and a tall black man, almost wite wid rage, bounced into de room and sclaimed, "Stop dem forgered nuptilizatians ; dat gall has been dethroned to me dis six monfs, and 1 cum to claim her." " Ah ! say you so, my noble lord," sed de groom, and he squore heseff fur a fite, and I put up my hands to perwent it, and got two frum de big feller on de coco-nut, one in de place I eat, one in de eye, and one on de nose, afore I node whar I wus. When I found myseff, I wus in de entry, and de two billigarent's wus a fitein in de room. De wimmon run for de police, but as useal, it wasent dere' turn to be out dai ebenin, and so dey cum back widout enny, and two sisters led me home. Dats the fust and last time dat I bin to a weddin, and I 208 BLACK DIAMONDS. assure you on my word, dat notin but de suckemstance I gis told you 'bout, cood hab sedued me to lebe afore de refresli- ments wus passed round. ^ De nex day de groom called on me wid lie face doue up in poultaces, and sed dat lie is guane to marry Jemima, for sure, next week, and I shall hab de job, so I shan't lose de haff a.doller arter all. Bf I am called on to 'form de exe-^ cation afore next lectur nite, I will tell you all 'bout it den. Will Brudder Bleecher Wite pleese pass 'round de time 'onered sasser ? LECTURE LXIII. POLITICAL EEFLfiCTIONS. Rebuked, Wooley Heds — Sence de lass time I had de imperence to distress you frum dis ole platform, dis mity country, includin Jarsey, hab bin ruined and saved all in one day, and Massa Generel Windy Scott and Brudder Seward hab taken passage in de canal bote Disapintment, for de upper lakes on Salt Riber to look for a hospital big 'nuff to hold seberel hundred pollytishuns who hab sacrificed demseffs in der country's cause for de lass four years — and now, arter sufferin under de wait ob big sallarys and oberloaded stomjacks, muss hab an assilam whar de turkle soup am made ob clams and sea- biskit, and whar shampaine am made ob hard sider, and whar fried oysters and lam frys am serbed up in de shape ob pork chops and sassengers, wid all kinds ob sass from de POLITICAL EEFLECTIONS. 209 waiters, and whar dey kin lay pipe for de new campain undisturbed by due bil]s and conscience. What a pity it am for Brudder Seward, who was a layin so beaufully low, and keeping so carfuUy mum, till sich times as he was called to de cabinet maker's shop in Wash- ington, by de Hero ob Chipawa, Rescue-Dave-L-Palmer, PuUy-all-toes, Sarah Gorden, and odder hard fit fltes. Ef he'd a got into dat shop, he'd a kep dis nashun on de grid- iron ob aggetation, and he'd a sprinkled mustard and kian pepper on de raw places ob de body politick, till dat body wood hab broken out in an open 'luption all ober, which copias bleedin by de sword alone, wood sabe frum utter diso- lution. Anty Clawson sez she's glad ob it. She's glad dat he got defected. Kase he no bizness to go to de Irish fellers arter he once swasheated wid de cullard poppelashun, kase he nose how opposite dey am in sex, compossihon, dis- posishun, whiskey drinkin and fitein. She sez he orto stay 'mong he own folks, de cullard people, and luff de Irish look out fur demseffs. How fur Anty Clawson am rite, I lebe future futurity to find out. On de odder side ob de house, de Dummycrats hab gained de day, and dem fellers dat you hab met widout enny ober display ob linen,, dose dat hab giben no ockler domen- stration ob ownin a shirt for de lass four years, will soon be met atwene high heeled shirt collars, wid ruddy cheeks and red noses. Dose dat hab libed on red herrin and saw-dust puddins, till dey got as a lean as my sallary, will soon be seen in de market-places, buyin in mock turkles, and bonein turkeys, whenebber dey kin, and goin into stufin ginerly, until dey git corperashuns on dem like de eels. Dat long promiced time when Rome wus to be made to houl will now soon 'ribe, and de howlin will be kept up all nite. A 'spectable man, like me, won't be ?lond to walk de treats 210 BLACK DIAMONDS. arter nine o'clock, kase it am sich'a one-sided gnbborment, dat de high-binders will hab it all dere own way, ef we don't look out. De majority in fabor pb dumocracy, wus as oberwhelming as a galon ob lasses on a single buckwete cake, and 'bout as sweet to dem. I node on 'lecshun nite afore de noose ribedT by de telliegraff which party hab gained de day ; kase, as I was comin out ob de seller dat ebenin, 'bout ten o'clock, to wisit a sick sister, and carry her a few clam soup, I was ruiHy 'suited by a feller in a monkey jacket and rolled up trousers, who smashed my hat doun ober my head, and told me to hurrah for Pierce and King, and passed on wid as much apparent pride and sassefacshun as ef he had gub sum poor distressed mortal a dollar to keep starbashun oif. Dat was 'nuff for me, I node ^who was 'lected, and I tole Anty Clawson so when she unbonneted me. When a man gits 'lected, for an orfice for de fust time, he ginerly feels dat he am ob as much emportance to de coun- try as a musical clock am to a Dutch lager beer , shop, and berry ofiBn 'buses de power him ambishun hab crabed — but let sich chaps look out what airs dey resume, for ef I cotch dem a cuttin it. too -fat, and comin it too strong, I'll lite on dem like a hawk on a handsaw. I understand dat de lublers ob siance hab met to 'siderate 'pon de 'priety ob presentin me wid a piece ob plate or a set ob cups, and sassers, on de completeshun ob my fiftyef Lecture. I hab bin waited 'pon to noe how much I will pay for de same, and how much I will pay for do sup- per — and dey told me to rite de prescripshun to put on it. Derefore, a koUecshun will be taken up for de purpose. I'll rij;e de speech for de committee to make to me, as soon as I see 'nuff money to buy de tings. I pint de followin on de standin kommitte, and ef I kotch dem getting so drunk at FOLLOWI-VG THfc: FASHION. 211 de supper dat dey can't stand, I'lMne dem 'cordinly^Sam Ledderlip, Jake Hosshed, Samuel Godolphuss Lutts, Wil- liam Henry .Harrison, Napoleon Johnson, Henry Clay Mudd and George Washington Lafayette Berrywinkle, Cudgo ^.rlmgton B. Fenton will proceed wid de hat ; de sasser am broke. LECTURE LXIV. FOLLOWING THE FASHION. (Grand Presentation.) Selubious Disciples. Dere hab bin hie old times kicked up sence I lass spoke de words ota wisdom to you from dis old platform. Sence den I hab recebe great stinokshun ob honor, in a tea- pot and odder tings. De kommittee un de hole dat was pinted lass lecture nite to get up a set ob tea tings to present to me, sent me word to my santo skunktorurii, as we say in French, de odder day dat I wus wanted on Monday mornin at de office ob de newspaper called de Picayune, which paper hab published all my lecturs — batteram add likker ab 'em, as de Ingins hab it — and dere I wood find de set ob tea tings to present to me as a great 'stinc- shun ob honah 1 Dey told me I'd hab to rite de speech for de presemdent ob de kommittee on de hole to say to me when he gub me de tings. I derefore set up all nite to rite it, and de next mornin I -dressed myseff in my best nip and 212 BLACK DIAMONDS. tucker, as de sailor men say, and doun I went to de orflce, and sure 'nuff, I found it full ob people. When I entered, dey whispered one to de odder. "Dar he is— fine old feller— good hed," and sich misgibbins as dese, and megitly made way for me to get to de counter. I felt as flimsy as a clam dat hab bin open in de sun for a week, and de persperashun poured out ob me till I swat wid xcitement. I set upon de counter, and dey gub me free cheers ; and den Brudder Jonathan steped up to me, holdin in he hands a big tea-bord full ob teapot, clam soup boul and pitcher, and dus dressed your wordy teacher — " Professor Julius Seaser Hahabal — Suspected sar : It hab bekum a kustom heah, in dese diggins, when a man wants to git into orfice, or wants to make a swell in de world, to hab a set ob plate presented to him by his frens. De fuss ting de man does when de idia seizes him, to hab de plate presented to heseflf am to do somefin to somedody, for somebody, or for de country at large, on which to hang de xkuse for doin de same. Den it am blowed in all de noose- papers dat Mr. What-you-call-'emjiab done so and so, and his frens am gwane to present him wid a plate ob service, or a service ob plate, for doin de same. Den de plate am put in some shop winder and showed to de folks ; den it am presented ; den de mun gubs his frens a grand supper, (which you am bound to do on dis 'caision,) speeches am made ; some git drunk, and dar de matter ends, ef some ob de party don't git in de Stashun House on de rode home. But wid you, sar, it am different. You don't ask for no orfice, and it am well for de kommunity dat yoa cant git none. Sittin all dese tings aside, like a leaky tea-pot, I muss spress to you de repugnence ob my feelins in dus bein de windy instrument fru which de kommittee on de hole FOLLOWING THE FASHIOX. 213 present dese tings to you. Derefore, in considerashun ob your great and preposterous larnin, siantific requirements, dazzling talents, unabridged and unchained nolege, unmiti- gated genus, unterified honesty, presumptuous standin in 'siety and general uselessness, we, de people ob your con- gregashun, do hereby present you dese tings, in commisera- shun ob de exalted suspishuns ob your character as a man, a teacher ob siance, and a refulgent scholar ; and as Horace (not Greely,) has it, nux vomicker, " Pluracy Unium," " sick tramper, glori Monday morning," " Xous yerons, Tilletude- lum Bone Saw and Au Resovoir," which means, dat ef it hadent a bin for your diabolical renowned lecturs, de buties ob clam soup and siance generally wood nebber hab bin none to a darkened world ; derefore, we consist on your taken dese tings : and as ofBn as you pour de tea from dis tea-pot, tink dat it am de outpourin ob our lub and Indignashun into your cup ob bliss. We hab ordered de supper at Anty Clawson's. Yours, re'spectfully. Jonathan. I will 'mit dat dis oberpowering speech ober ballanced me — and I rose wid all de dignity ob an underdone buckweat cake, and spoke as follows — " G-entlemen ob de committee on de hole, and spectaters generly — I hunted all ober de dickshunary lass nite to find big words 'nuff to put into a speech a yard long, but arter I got it togedder, I foun it only mounted to one scntance, and dat am, I tank you clar down in my boots. Dut I don't fully understand dis biziness. You gub me a lot ob tea tings here, worf 'bout twelve shillins, 'cordin to pannbrokers waluashun, and I got to gib you all a supper dat cost more den five dollars. What do I make by de operashun 1 dats de question. But I spepk its all rite, and derefore I 'cept ob your pology and all de rest ob de tea tings. Your lerned 214 BLACK DIAMONDS. Presemdent ob de kommittee on de hole, hab bin plesed to put in de big licks in regard to my talents and genus, and I speck dat am all rite, too. Ef I had weeded de paff ob siance, and got up some ob de bigest stumps in de way ob de stugent, I is .amply paid when I heer sich fellers as Jonathan cotein Latin and French wid all de looseness ob a colera season. He ludes to my prase ob clam soup. I will 'mit dat I lub dat artickle, but de reason I was so brilliant on it, was for fear dat sum ob dem skillin lecturers at de Tubernickel mite do it afore me, and git all de credit. I will not detain sich a hungry lookin crowd as you from your supper, no longer. I don't beliebe one ob you hab eat as much as a cracker sence you heer 'bout dis god-send to you. " You can hab de tings to put in der winder ob de Picayune Office to show de outsiders, till furder notice." When I wus done spokein, we journied to Anty Clawson's seller, and precipitated ourseffs into de clam soup and odder luxeries, 'bout which, I hab not time to tell you dis ebenin, but I will tell you ob it nex week, maybe. I got home, some how, afore daylite, and woke de nex mornin wid de useal bumble bees in my hed. I wus jis gwane to send for a Second Soda Bottle wid my lass sixpence, when a man come to de doa, and axed for me. I axed him to cum in, and what he wanted wid me. He told me he was de Smiff. " Smiff ! Smiffi !" sed I; " which one ob dem ?" " Tin Smiff, sed he. " Well," sed I, " Tim, how is you ?" When I sed dis, de man looked daggers at me, and sed— "Not Tim, but Tin Smiff ; I am de tin smiff dat made de tea pot dat was presented to you lass nitc, and I want my pay for makin dem. De kommittee told me you wus to pay for dem." FOLLOWING THE FASHION. 2 IS " Croch all Hemlock, Gosh a mite," sed I, perfectly dum- cumfounded. "Ipade for de supper! Why de tea tings was persented to me for de siderashun of" — " I dou't noe notin 'bout dat," sed de Smiff, " dey told me to look to you for de money. I woodent hab trusted dem fellows, no how ; but noein de tings wus for yon, and you git & ftiir sallary, I made 'em up 'cordin to order, and now I want de pay. Ef you don't fork ober, I'll go take de tings out ob de winder in Fulton street, and sell dem at oxshun." Well, to cut a long tail short wid de sheers ob brerety, I had to borrow de money from Anty Clawson, to pay de bill, and I got to pay it back out ob de kollecshun dis ebenin. Now ain't you a putty set ob ongrateful scorpians, to humbug me in dis way^ I told de kommittee on de hole dat I coudent efford to hab de tings presented to me, kase I node I wood hab to pay forBe hole opperashunlike the wite fellers, but dey persisted in complishin der bisness on me, kase dey node a supper on de 'caishun wus indispute- able, and dey cood all stuff der jackets as full as a berlona sassenger, free gratis for nofin at my xpense, and dey went in for de same wid a pertickler rush — but I'll fix dar flints afore I'm done wid dem. Ef you don't chip up finely to- nite, de tings will hab to go up de spout in de mornin. Brudder Freelinhysen Goff Jonson, pleese pass 'round de hat. 216 BLACK DIAlIOXDa. LECTURE LXV. HOW it's often done. Suspected Filabusters — In my lass discord to you, I gub you a descriptshun ob de persentin' ob a set of pkte to your long suspected -teacher, and I told you dat maybe I wood tell you 'bout de supper dat I bad to pay for at Anty Clawson's. But as dere wus berry little 'curred afore my recolecshuu wanisbed, (which wus along 'bout .^welbe o'clock), wordy ob note, septin dat George Augustus Thomas More Horace Greely Henry Clay Butts, a niece of Anty Clawsou's, cum nie chockin heseff to deff wid a big Cow Bay clam dat he tried to swallow in de shell — and Uncle Jake Longheel took a drink ob punch so hot dat it killed all de brown creturs dat iie hab had in he troat for the lass two monffs — de fac am, I belebe dat punch was made out ob camfene, for I'U stake my dinner dat it wus strong nuff to kill at sixty yards ; and it, or de clam-soup, or de sassengers, or de hoe-kake, or de raw clams did cum putty nie killin Anty Clawson sheseff. She told me nex day dat in de middle ob de nite-time she wus taken wid an orful case ob de Wat-you-call-it, and she got up and took niely a pint ob Wats-its-name afore de lobster, or de sassengers wood lay still. Uncle Tone Clawson swares it wus de sassengers, for he sez he heard a growlin in de bed afore Anty woke up wid de pain. Now, as we all ob us noe putty neer what sassengers am made ob, Uncle Tone's argument seems clar. A great menny people hab bin doun to de Picayune Office HOW it's oftex doxe. 21t to 'spect de set ob plate in de winder; all day long de walk am crowded, and all who sees it, 'sclaims: how beauful, how chaste ! but dere am berry few dat nose how much dey had to be chased arter afore jist de pattern de kommittee on de hole wanted cood be found. Dey chased into ebbery junk shop in de sity for that clam-soup tereen, and dat elemgent pitcher. De coughfee pot was made by de tin-man, which I had to pay for, as I tole you lass week. I feel mity prowd sense,I git dese tings, aldo I had to pay for de supper and de tings myseff, and rite all de speeches dat was sed to me as a stincshun ob honah:^and I hab worn my best Sunday cloze ebber sense. As I lemonade down Broadway de gem- mens look at me fru der eye glasses, and all de ladies peep out ob de corners ob dere brite eyes, as much as to say, I wonder who am goia to share de tea tings wid you ? Ebberybody smiles on me, kase dey all noe dat all de siance in dis world dat am worf noin, am locked up in the noledge box, which am opened once a week for the litenment ob de human mind and ipockets. While I get de smiles ob one party, I get de frowns ob de odder, and I don't car. When I fust commenced lecturin, two years ago, I did my bess to suit ebbery body, but I found dat was as imposable as for me to raise a dollar at de present speekin 'bout my close, derefore I gub it up, for I seed dat dere was sum in my congregashun jis like der am in ebbery older congre- gashun, dat neber was pleesed wid anyting, not eben dere own seffs. Sence I commenced to lite up de dark walks ob siance wid de gas lite of nolege, dere hab bin a good menny wite men dat become as jealous as tunder ob me, and tried der bess to swamp me by gibin shillin lecturs, two shillin lectnrs and haff a dollar lecturs, and now seein dat I am still rooster ob de prominade here, dey hab sent ober to London, whar de newspapers hab stole my lecturs, and got 10 218 BLACK WAMONDS. Massa Thackery, de man dat rote de book 'bout shoemakers, to cum ober to floor me. Thackery am a wise man, full ob wisdom and fun, but I'll lay hira out. I'll shut he moufF clo.se as a paunbroker's shop on Saturdays. It will be seen wedder de pepil will radder hear 'bout de rain dat was sent by Queen Anna, at free dollars a hed, or w^edder dey will still prefer de solid chunks of nolege dat fall 'pon your en- larged understandins from dis old platform, at de low price ob free cents. No! I shall nebber be dribben off my plat- form by no furener or native rambasender to de Corts ob Siance, but like old King Cruso, of old, I shall rap myseff up in my refulgent dignity, and stand on de poop-deck in de rotunda of fame, and wabe de pocket hankersher, wid Siance printed on it, and die in de cause ob siance widout taring my shirt or disranging my tilet to enny malicious extent. Sence de sasser got broke, we hab had to take de k'ol- lecshun up in de hat, and now we kin use de big tca-bord dat cum wid de tea-set dat was persented to me by de kommittee on the hole. Brudder Icilius Jerome Napoleon Smith Rooster will pleese pass round de same, and be earful to gib back no change — small change am worf free cents on a dollar. The Professor and Aunty Clawson. woman's rights. 219 LECTURE LXVI. '^ woman's rights. Belcbed Bkudden — Since I desceaded de' roosterum, as we say in Tur- key, to poligamate de beauties ob siance ia all its warious colors, dere hab bin sich a hurd ob lecturers swarmin' de town, dat, pon my word, it seems as do de lowcuses of Bgipt, dat we reed 'bout in de ' spelum book, had lighted on dis commuhTfy, and deafen de public ear wid dere buzzin. We hab Lecturers from Europe, who cum here to comfab wid de Snobbcracy"; we hab Lecturers from Boston, who cum to tell us 'bout de Pilgrim's Progress to de Plymoff Rock, and de way to manefactur wooden meg nuts and pegged shoes 5 we hab Lecturers from Turkey, who lecture on Greese, and Greasy lecturers talkin' 'bout, Turkey. Konsorts am no longer call'd Konsorts, but Musical Lecturs, in which music am fr-tfci brown, and made radder ober done by five hundred choras singers: But de most remarkable ob all de mankind lecturers am de woman-kind, who cum 'mong us and trow, down the gimblet, or gauntlet — I forgit which, but it am all de same — and openly declar' war wid de Lord ob Creation for de breeches, and spout 'bout wot dey call Woman's Bights. Now, I hab hard a good deel 'bout dese Woman's Rights, and sebreal ob de sisters hold a con-wenchon like de wite women, on de subjick, lass year, which you will reeommem- ber ended in a fite, by sum low cuUord pusson puttin' out 230 BLACK DIAMOffDS. de lites jis as Ant Rachel wns gwaii to spoke on de prebe- lence ob Liein and darkey babies. Dese shemale cogetatora talk all de time 'bout Woman's Rights, and nebber say a word 'bout Woman's Leffs. Now, I like to noe b6ff sides ob ebbery question, and derefore I will mention a few ob der LefFs as well as dere Rights ; and in huntin' up ebedence on de question, I find dat one woman left a baby at de door ob an Alderman, lass week ; anodder leff one at de house ob a Priest, all done up in red flannel and holdin' a track in its h-md, called " Suffer little children to come. unto me." But' wot am wuss to me dan dese tings, dat ole washerwoman dat mangles ray shirts weekly, leff'^towa Ti^s^day, wid my bess ruffle shirt, and I speck she will wear it at de ne.x coa- wench on ob Woman Rights. , ^ Dese womans all want to be Captains, when ole Human Nature formed em spressly for mates ! — When a sailor cap- tain ships a mate, he ships a mate, he dont ship a captain. Dere can't be two captains abord one clam sloop ; and if de mate fools around de captain and tries to boss it obber him, de captain am jis as sure to lam him ober'de head as I am to hab de rumatism afore de nex storm. Defore, you see if a woman ships on board ob de canal boat Matrimoney as de help-mate ob de captain, .she mu=>t be content to be mate, and help de captain, or else^slie'll find de debil's owntrowble in de caboose house. Tings hab stood dis way ebber sense de year one, when Adam wore jacket and trowsers, and so day will stan as long as de sun shines on the lofty Benjaman Loraan's hills of Skotland, Talk 'bout de Woman's Rights ! why, dey hab more rights now den dey noe wot to do wid ; and wot few she aint got, she takes. I pity some ob dera poor fellers dat tout dey marred angels, jis as ef ennybody ebber seed a shemale angel in de pictur' books 1 I don't belebe woman's rights. 221 dar am eny , shemale aggels in dis world ; dey'm all he fellers. Some men spile der wifes' by bein' intirfely too sweet to dem, when dey fust, git married,; pettin' dem up wid sugar plums jand sich tings, and lettiii dem hab ebberyting dere own way for a while an den try to fiteit out ob' dem de second^clons ob de fust year. If ebber it shoold be my lot to bring de highmenial alter to enny yoiilig woman, I should 'sist pon sleepin' on de front side ob de bed de fust nite, and I'd stick to it fruout my natural life. I go jy* for gittin married. It must -be rite, kase ebberybody does> it ; derefore, I say unto you, spend, not your days' in single retchedness, nor your nite& edder, but get a mate to cook de witals wliile you stear de bark ob life into de snug harbor ob Prosperity,, animay your crew increitse as rapidly as you all may wish I Brndder Juluis Mark Anthony Pol us will please hand round de tea board. If gnybody wants me to lecture on eny partickler subjeck, luff em send in de inqust and name it. 222 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXVII. THE KESULT OF DILIGENCE. Luxurious Lazarettos — In de lass clows ob my lass lectnr, I sed ef enny ob my congregashun wished me to lectur on enny perpendickler,, subjick, to send it in to me, and 'cordinly I recebe dis pistol from some well-meanin brudder ; — " Mr. Hanabel — Please lectern oa the word, ' Search de Scripturs,' and ef you have a mind to, you may do much good among your thousands of readers. '* " An Admieeb." Now, my frens, Mr. Admirer seems, like a good menny odder folks, not to understand me or my mission, at all. Fram de fast to de last, during de four years dat I tab lectured to you, I hab nebber meddled wid religous sub- jicks, or intended in any way to burlesque religion, or eben to speak light ob it ; but der am hardly a week passed during dat time I had not been 'quested-to lectur frum sum tex plated out to me in de good book ; but I hab nebber done so, as I do not claim to be a preecher man, but a compounder ob all dfi siances in dis sorcumlambular world ; but it may not be a miss to relate hear a suckumstance dat 'cur in consequence ob sarchin de scripturs, in de back woods, which am sed to be a fac. When dat good man, who spent a long life in doin good to he feller man, Lorenzo Dow, was trabblin in de west- ern hemisfere, he stopped at de house ob a squatter, and THE RESULT OF DILIGENCE. 223 found de hole family, consistin ob lebiii childreu, in great tribulashun and trouble. Now wat you tink it was dat trouble dem so much 1 Wus it an oneasy conshunce ? No I it wus fur de loss of de fine toof comb. Now de loss ob a fine toof comb to one ob us in de city, whar sich luxeries surrund us on ebbery side, am nofin, kase we kan git one at enny minit ; but de loss ob de only one in de house in de back woods, whar it am ten miles to de nearest store, am a greviance dat. am sure to lead to numerous consequences — too newmerous to menshun. , De old lady sed, her and de children had searched de house all ober fur it, and scratched in ebbery corner but no comb cood be fouud. De ole man had scratched, she had scratched, de children had all scratch- ed, up stairs and doun stairs, but it was ob no nse. " How long hab it been lost 1" axed de pias Lorenzo. "'Bout free monfs," answered de ole lady ; " and de only comfort I hab in de hour ob trial am a readin de Bible." " Do you read it often ?" axed Massa Dow., " Yes indeed 1" sed she ; " mornin an nite." You see she node Lorenzo, an wanted to git in his good graces, an derefore humbugged him a little. "I is glad to hear it," sed the good man, "for it am de rock on which all mankind may rely in safty. But I tink ef you stigmatize a thorough inquiry about dat comb, it cood be found. Let me interefy de children 'bout it, and see what can be solicited." So he went to de old man fust, and axed him. He sed he dident noe notin 'b9ut it, nor dident qar ; he nebber trubbled his hed wid none ob de fashunable tings, and he nebber re- • collected using a comb in he life. He wus sassagefied to luff he har be as natur made it, and looked 'pon dis combin ob de har as bein 'tirely superdickilas. ~^ ' Den Dow went to de oldest son, who told him he dident noe 324 r.I.ACK DIAMONDS. wliar de cussed ting was, nor dident want to. He tried it once in his bar 'boat two years afore, bat it hurt him liite thunder, and dat was 'nuff fur him. He sed he wus glad it wus lost, fur ebber since it cum in de house de children had a cryin spell once a monf when de old woman got at their heds ; but now it wus lost an dere wus piece in de house. De children wus den questioned, one by one, but no light troun 'pen de subjick. Dey all 'pared glad dat it was lost, so de search wns gibben up but de scratch continued. Darin de ebenin, Brudder Dow talked to dem 'bout sarch- in de scriptars and de old lady sed she always did, and per- tended to be too good to last long. When bed-time cum, he axed fur de Bible, and purposed reading a chapter to dem. So dey reached doun de good book frum off a hie shelf, and found dust 'nuff on it to write " damnation" on all ober, and when he opened it, out fell de fine toof comb dat had bin lost free monfs. De old lady was dumbfoozled when she found she was cotched in a lie, but she owned up and promised henceforth to sarch de Bible, spechaily when enny ting wus lost. Some ob dis congregashun might find somefin by sarchin de good book. Maby a lost consience might be restored, which cannot be in any odder way. I hab bin axed what cared my black eye ; I will tell you. I hab a great deel ob trouble 'bout it. Some body told me to use raw oysters— I did, and I eat more den haff a bushel, but dident do my eye no good. Den I use Muxtang Line- ment and raw clams, and dat fetched it all rite. Brudder Bunnell wus so klumsy arter de change lass week dat he smashed de sasser, derefore, Brudder Kincklee will please pass 'round he hat on dis 'portant 'cashun. 'Let Brudder Primly turn de organ an plaj, " Cum ober de wa- ters, Charley, to Bobuckem." THE FELLOW THAT DOES ALL THE MISCHIEI'. 225 LECTURE ^LXVJII. the fellow that does all the mischief. Darkened Hearers — De tex for my letur dis ebenin, am to be found in ebery house, 'speslierly de kitchen, in dis inflated country. He am de moss mischievous raskil, and thiSvin scoundrel dat eber got into a house. He am eberywliere and nowhere at de same tifrie, and I hab bin more tormented and annoyed by hira den enny odder feller I nose ob at de present time speakin. De ramscalion dat I 'lude to, am MR. NOBODY. I hab no dout dat you hab all herd ob him. He smashes, on an aberage, in dis toun, enny quantity ob croc' cry, lookin glasses, tumblers and furnature ebery day, and he steals more sugar,. cake and sweetmeats, den a jack-ass kan back up a steep hill. He smashes 'hole trains ob rail-roads, and kills people ebery day, and I tink it am high time dat de police wus put'pon he t/ack to catch him. He hab gone on frum stealin small tings to commitin murder, and now scarsely a nite passes dat we don't hear ob him being to blame for some kind ob 'trocious deeds or odder. A Cap- tain ob a canal-bote told me todder day dat he got abord ob his ship and stole eberything he cood lay his hands 'pon for 'bout a monf. De brabe Captain laid a trap to catch hira, and gis as he had him, he missed him. I'd like to kotch bim myseff — he got in here since last lectnr nite, and nocked 10* 228 BLACK DIAMONDS. doun de stobe pipe, and stole a pint ob bed-bug pisin dat wus under my desk in a brandy-bottle. I speck he drink it. He cum to Auty ClaTvson's todder nite and eat up a hole lot ob cold clam-soup, and ober twenty raw cow bay clams.' Auty Clawson laid it to me, but it warn't me, and I noe gis as well as I noe dat Jake Somendike put dat bad shillin on de tea-bord lass week, dat it wus old Mr. Nobody dat done it. But I tink I got him now — I tink I'll do de hole world a great sarvice, and hab my name emdamned on de McCutchen ob fame dat all preceedin ages may admire, kase who eber driuk up dat bed-bug pisin in dat jimerjohn dat I forgot to take home lass week, and luff under dis desk, am sure to die a good while afore his time comes. It may not kill him rite off, but it am sure to wind up de tread ob his xistance afore I hab de honor ob portrudin my nolege box in your presence agin. Hello ! wats de matter wid sister Pacilla Amelia Baxly ? She's fainted, eh ? Gis tonish her face wid a little cold water, and let sum ob de highfalutin sisters hold der epsom salts as much under her nose as its flatness-'will admit, and I tink she will cum to mighty soon. . De man dat lost his faberate dog, and went into a sassen- ger shop and whistled, and seed all de sassengers squirm to git to him, wus never more sassagefied whar his dog wus, den I am sassagefied whar dat brandy — I mean dat bed-bug pisin, went to. I devise Sister Baxly to take a dose ob camels and gallop, and let an ingine play doun her throat for a few hours ebery mornin, and mabe she'll git ober it. Her inerds muss feel 'bout as bad as mine did de mornin arter Xew Year's, and mine felt like a dirty swill pail dried in de sun. My Stingy Deciples — keep a sharp look out for dis Mr. Nobody. Ef you kotch him, you will make somfin hansom THE SLANDERER. 227 — ^for dere am at de present time speakin, more den a tousand steambote and railrode axidents blamed upon his mity broad shoulders, and de korrener hab got heaps ob vvurdixs aginst him. So keep you whether eye open for him, and ef you kotch him, bring Tiim at once to Anty Clawson's. and make him own up 'bout dem clams and cold soup. , I is inquested to state dat Sister Rolickson am layin bery low (in a seller) in little Apple Alley, wid a gum bile on her heel. Her frens tink she am layin at a kritical pint, (ob gin, I gess), and de doughnashuns ob dis congregashun am inwited to attend. " Jimmy Ducklegs will gleese promulgate dis sasser as de tea-bord am to big for sich a poor and stingy set. LECTURE LXIX. THE SLANDERER. My Deer Chilly Chums — WiDOTJT wishin or 'tending to cast reflecshuns on enny cumpany enny ob you keep, eder personly or indiwidually, I will call your 'tention dig ebenin to de 'siderashun ob DE BACK-BITER. No dout moss ob you hab your own idias ob dis feller, kase yon hab all .suffered more or less — 'speshly more — frum de sting ob sum one ob de different kinds — for be it none dere am sebril kinds ob back-biters in the world. Dere am de back-biter ob de bed-bug speshies — de back-biter ob de flee family, and den dere am de oddei' kind less 'greeable 22S BLACK DIAMONDS. and more prolific, dat git free passage by de tousands wid ebery imigrunt ship dat ribe frum Dutchland or Irislilaiid — but all ob dese, or ebbery one ob dem aint pertic;kler which dey bite, de back or de stumjack, so long as dey git dere sucker in. But tis no creepin- iaseck back-biter dat am luded to 'speshely, in de tex, but it am de sbeekin, crawlin anamal found 'mong mankind, and more frequently offin 'mong de woman kind. Dey am de same unprincipaled suckers, let dem be found wharebber dey will — only de human back-biter am de wuss, kase de sarpant nose better. De insexs do it for a libin, but de humankind do it for a nastier and baser purpose, and dat am to injure dere nabor — but tanks be to de Lord, in nine cases out ob ten de back- ' biter gits bit moss orfully, and de kittle oI» filty slime dat he wants to trow on he nabor's karacktor, gits upset in de 'tempt, and cubbers heseff from one end to de odder, till he slips up on his own well greased falsehoods and falls kerswat out ob de good graces ob all good pepil. " By strict 'ten- tion to de biziness," I hab larned to tell de back-biter afore dey say fifty words. Ef it comes in de spechies ob de ole maid, she will set down on her cheer, and kind a squar herseff for a day's work. She will put her har back ahind her ears pull out her 'nittin, smack her lips, and kommence by axen ef you nose Miss So-and-So, de berry pusson dat she nose you nose more den enny bodyelse. Well den, ob corse you answer in de infirmative, and den she begin by rollin up her eyes like a pig at de sound ob thunder, and sayin, " Well, do you noe >dat I found out a great sekret 'bout her and her family, all by axident todder day." When de shemale back-biter gits dus fur in her calomel, de best ting you kan do am to raise de winders and begin to sweep de house widout putin a bit ob tea-lebes on de flo. Ma-be dis gentle hint may put her recolleckting apparatus THE SLANDERER. 229 into opperashun, and she may 'member a iall she forpjot to make somewhar else, and clar out. As she goes you may chuckle in your slebe dat you got rid ob her weight in trub- ble. Hemale back-biter am more to be dispised den de she- male, kase de almanack sez dat she is koustitushunly dis- posed to it, and derefore kant help it ; but I would as lefe be 'flicted wid dat old rumatism and de meezles at one time, as de kompany ob one ob dese fellers. It's a wonder to me dat de ekicklyastick preechermans don't spoke 'bout de backbiter more den dey do, for dere am a good menny in ebbery kongregashun, and dere arnt no class dat suffer more den dey demseflf. Seeing how pre- belent dese animal? am, am it enny wonder dat eben me, who I tort wus 'bub suspishuns, should git a bite now and den from a feller as big as a sea turkle, but de smart will nebber last long. ~» Some feller, femenine, ealiiue, or odderwise, hab got up a rumor dsit it ain't charata-ble purposes dat bring your shep- herd out late at nite, in de districk ob Church street. And when I tell dem 1 wus gwine on de Fibe Pint mishun, dey chuck der beds back and grin. Now I gis tell you all on de square, dat I'm gwaue to be all round nites, to see what my kongregashun are up to, and ef I kan't beat morality and siance into your heads by kind words, frum dis old desk, I'll see what a pression a hickory club 'bout free foot long will make on your coco-uuts ef I cotch you round enny ob dem dark alleys, whar de yeller widder or "plaited wool" Pacilla libs. And ef Brudder Peter Napoleon Buxter don't put at least a ha£f a dollar on de tea-bord dis nite, I'll tell de hole kongregashun whar I seed him a eaten trype and clam soup todder nite at Anty Rachels, in Prife Alloy, Dat won't be back-bitin no how. 230 BLACK DIa:.!0\DS. As New Tear's day will ribe 'moug de holiday times dis year, gis de same as it did lass, I speck 'nuff on de tea-bord to furnish a few dough-nuts, sum lager beer and sum clam soup for my frens on dat day. It's 'tonishing how menny frens a pusson finds out day got on dat day, dat nebber cum neer you enny odder day in de year. I speck sum new cloze for my New Year's, and ef you don't raise me at least a free dollar suit, I lectur to you next nite in all de rags I kan find in de house, and as dere am notin else but rags in my wardrogue, I'll hab no trubble to cubber myseff wid de same. Brudder Andrew Jackson Paine Luffies with please stop ticklin Sister Jemima's nose while she pretends sleep, wid dat goose feder, and pass round de bord. LECTURE LXX., EAELY SEU'LEMENT OF NEW TOKK. DoDTiNG Pilgrims — As dis am de beginnin' ob a new year, I 'speck you speck me to say somfin on de flite ob time or de progress ob de world, or someting 'ludin to de comins and goins ob dis sanculanalua arf ; and as ebberybody gubs New Year's distresses, I spose I ort to do de same likewise also. It wood take 'bout fifty sich beds as mine, tick as it am, to keep you, posted up on tings as dey pass 'bout dese days. A feller hab got to hab de intelleck ob de elemfint to_keep hoseff posted, widout temptin to exasparate odders by his nolege ob de times. Bat I'll cast a few reflecshuns on de EAELY SETTLEMKNT OF- XEW YORK. 231 past, as de lookin glass sed to do ole maid, consarning dis New York, which am now as large a burgh as any in de country 'round. In takin a prospective view backwards at dis Toun, eben in. my day, leads a man to tiuk he am in Rusha, by de way tings am rushed tru in dis fast age. Ebbery ting am fast now. No old slow coaches can git 'long for dem locomoko- focotive bullgiues. De sloops and skooners in de ribbers am all in de way ob de steembotes, and ebberybody seems detarmined to lib fibe or'six years in one — but dem fellers dat lib fast, die in de same manner, and here am where de laff cums in by de undertaker. Natural History sez dat de Dutch fust settled dis Hand. But hi.story don't say how much dey settled it, but I don't beleve dat ef all de Dutch in de world, filled to de chin, wid sour-crout and lager-beer, wus to cum here, doy cood settle it more den a lack or an inch-and-a-haff Abby De Poise wait. I tink der« muss be sum mistake in history 'bout dis, or else de feller dat rote it dident noe how high de Hand stood afore it wus settled. Wlien de Dutch landed here, dey found de natibs bizzy a roastiu furriners, and frum de way de tribes belongin to de press club (dis club will break dere own heds yet), hab roasted Thackery, de English gemmen, dat wus sent for to swamp me by lecturin against me in opposishun to me my- seff. I say from de nice manner in which dey hab roasted him, I tink dey keep up de practice ob roastin furriners til dis day. But sibilization hab done wonders for dis Hand — kase when de Dutch fuss cum dere wus only one rum and beer shop on de hole Hand, and dat was kept by de old Gubner heseff — and look how sibilizashun hab stretched he influential arm, and see rum-shops and lager-beer cellars all round. Where dere wus one in dem days, dere am forty 232 BLACK DIAU0ND3. tousand now, to say notin oh, de Dutch grocerys on ebbery corner, whar spiritual knockins am so offiu herd. It was 'mong dese Dutehraans dat New Years kails wus fust in- vented. Dey used to make hot-stuff out oId Santa Cruise rnra, hot water, little butter, and plenty alspice, and de way dat hot stuff used to fly wid de krullers doun de troats ob dem fellers atwene de Dutch words dey wood spit, out wus a canshum to de risin giuerashuu ob de day. Dm dis place wus kalled Rotterdam, but old Justice Von Slockein- himer sed it wus too much like English swarin, an dey alter- ed de name to Manhaton, for shortness. Tings am changed wonderfully sence den. Whar de Ingin used to cum ober frum Long Island in he kanoo, to steal de Dutchman's sheep and rum, now runs de steembote, de canal-bote, and de clam-bote. De ribber dat wus so full ob all kinds ob fishes, dat dey used to cum to de beech to be kotched ef de fisher- men whistled for dem, am now plowed by de mighty steam- ships dat run 'twene here and todder side ob Jordan. Eberyting am steam now-a-days, and de folks am not kon- tent to hab it on der railroads in de out-squirts ob de city, but dey am gwane to hab a rail-rode doun Broadway, and in a few short time you will beer de buUgine snortin frum de Battery to 911th street like a mad bull in fly-time. Den, my frens, look out for your heels ; sum ob dem I noe am big 'nuflf to upset de hole train, -but don't try it ; 'spere- ments am sed to be dangerous by de oldest foolosefers. You may trow 'em off de track widout injury4o yourstffs, by layin your beds on de track, but don't fool wid your heels. Dis rail-rode bizness am runnin away wid de wite peoples branes and money, and I xpect to see de day myseff, as old a disciple as I am, when we will eat by steem and be karried to bed on a rail-rode, worked by de steem dat cum frum de tea-kittle. Ebberyting am improvio but my sallary ON JAPAiJ. 233 and de karacter ob my congregashuu, but I'll improbe your morals or take de lass cent you got, I dont care which, afore I'm done wid you. I is 'bliged to de Darkns Siety for de trousers and socks dey sent me for my New Years, and also to Brudder Pete Somendike for de hundred clams. I'll 'member dem boff as long as dey last. George Seward Romeo Gingerly will do "ie boners wid de tea-bord. LBCTTJRE LXXI. ON JAPAN. Ardent Nigoramasus — It seems to me myseff, dat sence I took to lecturin in dis burgh, eberybody dat kan rase sufBshent money to pay for a few penny candles and a puff in de noospapers, hab took to de bizness. And wat for ? I ax you. Why, I'll tell you wat for — gis to try to run your old friend and Benjaminfactor, me myseff, off ob de track ; but its no use, dey might as well try to dam Niagaree wid a hay-riggin, as to scar dis chile. Here I'll stand as firm as a Jersey bank, and as unchangeable as a counterfit silver dollar bill, regard- less ob all consumstances. I is gwane to liten your conshence dis ebenin on de Gogrofee Siance, and spoke to you consarnin de Hand ob japan. Japan, my frens, am siterwated a good ways oflF from Cony Hand, clar away ober todder side ob Jordan. It am 234 BLACK DIAMONDS. summer time all de year round dar ; subequently dey neber hab no Christmas nor no New Years, kase dey ain't no winter time to hab 'em come in, like us blessed mortals. Japan am whar all de Japan candlesticks, Japan lamps, and de sasspans cum frum. De Japanonians am just de cnler ob a Japan candlestick, and I speck dey culer dem by rubbin de perspiration dat comes frum dere faces while dey am a making dem, on de same, which fully 'counts for de perculier culler. Dey am an industriously lazy set, full ob idolitry and dirt. Dey hab always looked 'pon de Yankes as a bery unsartin set ob fellers, 'cordin to de Almanack, and dey won't trade wid dem a tall, karse dey had hurd ob de wooden megnut, wooden cow-cumbers, and wooden puukia and water milluns seed, and dey am afeerd ob gittin stuck. Now, ef dere am ennyting in dis world dat will brake a Yankee's hart, it am to be fooled in making a trade, eder nashonly or indiwidually. Derefore, old Uukle Sam talked wid Massa Foolmore, de Presemdent, and 'eluded to send a few notions out dar to try to 'fluence trade. He speck to loose a little on de fust cargo and make it up on, de last. I don't zackly noe gis wat he sent out, but I speck its de useal rum and 'baeco. I tink dey'd hab done better ef de3''d a sent a cargo ob Sourkrout, made of Massa Wan Buren's cabbages ; kase I speck dey noe aril 'bout dat luxury, as dey trade only wid de Dutch nashun, and dats 'bout all de Dutch deals in, 'septin Dutch clocks, music boxes, hand- organs and gin. I gess TJnkle Samevil will dribe a stiff trade wid dem. He hab sent a hole fleet full ob bum-shellf, cannon-balls and cutlashes, and dey kan eder take de bean- ful bargins he hab sent dem, or dey kan git licked jist as dey like. Ef dey show shy on a trade, de Kommodore will gis read one ob Capt. Coggy's Forf ob July orashuns to dem, and ef dat don't fetch 'em, dey got to be bum'd for sardn. ON JAPAN. 235 Dere ain't much nown 'bout de habits and customs ob de natib Japanonions as yet, kase dey hab kep all deir siance locked up in deir cubberd in one corner ob de globe out ob site, but Unkle Sara will open de do' and luff de world see all dere Japan ware. It am sposed dat dey hab a habit ob eatin like de cuUerd man, and in all probembility dey do sum few sleepin during de twenty-four hours aloted to mankind. I told you dat it wus summer all de time dar. Dat, my frens, am all owing to de klimate. I wish we hab sich a klimate heer in de winter time. It wood sabe cole. Sum folks hab a knack ob sabin cole eben in dis cold region, and dat, too, when de jimbometer am below freezes. I noP7 niy frens, dat it struck your understandins mity cold heer on last lectur nite, and ef you will wind up your recolleckshun apperatisus, you will remember dat I spoke 'bout its bein so cold as niely to friz my fingers and toes, and I promised to 'zamin into de state ob our cole' basket — and now I must 'form you ob one ob de most diabolicoal Swindells on dis congregashun, dat yon eber heer ob. You all noe dat we hab chipped up money heer ebery week for cole ; but we hab been fool'd, and dat money hab bin nocked doun and spent for clam-soup by dat runygarte, Bill Nubbins, de sexton and undertaker. 'Wat makes him an undertaker, am de fac, dat he undertook to keep dis room clean and make de fires for two shillins a week, but he hab not done it no how. You all seed, as you tort, a fire in de stobe ebery nite, and I noticed dat sum ob de bredderin and sistern hab went to de stobe to warm dere shins, and I tort cum away sassagefied, but my frens dar wus not no fire dar — dat red wat look like fire in de stobe wus notin but a piece ob red flamel wid a Japan lamp ahind it to make it look like fire. Dis niggerisni wus perpetrated by dat orful bad darkey who hab libed off ob de bounty land ob dis ecu- 236 BLACK DIAMONDS. ' gregashmi. Derefore, I pint Brudder Snra Peighper as de sexton hensefort, in de place ob Bill Nubbins, and de lexshun must take place for de same. Dat red flamel fire am like de lureraents ob de old Bellzebnb. He hold out a false lite to fotch sinners to de warm place. Brudder H liry Honeystone will plee.se pass roun de sas.ser and bite all de sixpenses. I got two tin and one led one lass week. LECTrREfLXXII A LONG DISPUTED POINT FULLY SETTLED. UnCONWICTED S.4.RPINTS Ob late your suspected speaker hab recebed a good menny billyducks frura different kinds ob peepil, axin him to lectur on all kind ob subjeck. One wants dis notty pint 'Splained, and anudder wants dat one solbed, till I tink de wite folks as well as de black folks muss tink I am a walkiu incidopediah ob useless nolege. ' I shall undertake to lectur on dis 'portant 'cashun frum a tex which yon will find done up in an unwellop at my studio skunktornm, in a note frum a feller sitizan to me. De words ob de tex am dese — Professor J. C. Hanuibal^Will you please tell us in your next lecture, what color our first parents, Adam and Eve, were. It has been an undecided question since the commencement of the world, and we now look to you as a man of siance and wisdom, to settle the point for all future generations. Yours, in doubt, " OsS OF Yocit COXGEEGATION." I muss admit dat I wus hiely flattered when I git dis note, A LONG DISPUTED POINT FTTLI-T SETTLED. 23 1 kase it shows dat I'm considered sum punkins in de field ob siance — and as I rolled back in my arm cheer arter readin de pistol, I inwardly xclaimed, whars Tom Hyer, or Yankey Sullivan, now ? Whars Henry Ward Beecher ? Whars Horace Greeley? Whars Capt. Coggy ? Whars Gen. Jones ? Whars your Ben Franklins ? Whars your New- ton Isaacs ? Whars all de rest ob de foolosefers ob de past and precedin times, dat dey muss cum to' dis old chile when enny pint ob refulgent 'portance hab to be settled. Dere am, I is sorry to say, a difference ob 'pinion regardin my .'bility> to settle pints, kase dat old D^jlchraan uex to Anty Clawson's woodent trust me for a pint ob lager-beer last nite, and gub as a reason dat I had not settled de last pint dat I owed for. But dat aint notin to do wid de subjick. De question am, what color wus Mr. Adam and Mrs. Adams ? Her maiden name wus Eve afore she becum Adam's wife. We don't lam in lateral History what Mr. Adam's fust name wus, but I 'speck it wus John, or Ben, or Bfrum, or sum ob dem names dat git in Congress. Dere hab bin a good menny foolosefers 'tempted to 'splain de color ob dese two pepil. Old Sambo Carson, v^^ho wus a sound preech- erman (most all sound), ses dat Adam and Eve was de two fust black men, and dat Cain and Able wus de second best — dat Cain and Able wus boff butchers — one wus a killer ob de ground, and de odder wus a killer ob de sheep — derefore dey wus " mutton butchers." Now, my ignumrant frens, I warn you aginst sich doc- trine as dat, kase ef dey was all black, whar in de land ob de liben did de wite trash cum frum — and ef on de odder hand dey wus boff wite, whar did de darkey cum frum — and ef one, odder Mr. Adam or Mrs. Adam war black, and de odder wite, dere decendants wood hab bin a kind ob wheat and ingin pepper and salt cullered com- 238 BLACK DIAMONDS. munity — derefore you see as plain as you can see an iceberg in de moon-light, dat day muss hab bin edder de one or de odder, black or wite. I is kinder 'clined to de idia dat dey wus boff black — den ob course you want to noe whar de wite man cum frnra. Well, I 'splain dat as clar as a brass button atwene a dar- key's lips. Dey cum frum de Isle ob Wite, whar de fust dar- keys muss hab gone and got bleeched. Dere am no denien de fac dat de folks born on de Isle ob Wite am wite folks, and enny fool kin tell you dat. Dis mass be de true origi- Bal origin ob de wite man, kase ef Adam and Eve wus wite in de beginnin, whar did de danley spring frum ? I don't 'lude here to de darkey I seed spring out ob de second story winder at sister Jane Ann Plimins todder nite, when old Pli- mins cum home radder onxpeckedly frum Long Hand, kase dat arn't got notin to do wid de kase, I meen whar did de fust black man spring frum ? Why, you poor sinners, deres no noein — ef dey wasent black in de fust place, kase dere am no He ob Black mentioned in de Almanack fur dem to go to git black at. True, de^ mite cum pretty near it by going to Japan and gittin Japanned all ober — but den dey wood be only copper-colored like a copper tea-kettle. I sumtimes tink dat maby Adani mout hab bin a blue man (kase you noe dat men hab a great propensaty for getting so), and Ebe a yeller woman — fur by mixin dese two cullers togedder when you mix de wall wash, you will hab a beau- ful green, and de lord nose dat dar am a great mennj green ones 'mong mankind ginerally. Derefore, I consider de pint .settled, and you may applaud as much as you like, at de 'portant decision ob de kase. De sexton hab just handed me anudder billydnck wid anudder inquest frum Brudder Blockhed. De riter ses dat fur sebrel monfs past, he, himsefif, and all his frens, hab biu ALL SIGXS FAIL. 239 a tryin to suffer up and assertain do difference atwene " an old saw-mill dam, and a d — n old saw mill." 'Pun my sole I can't see de difference at de present time spokein, kase a dam is wickedly out oh place widout de mill, and a miU woadent be worth a cent widout a dam — howeber, I may tink differently, artej; I take a chaw ob 'backer, on it and ef I do, I'll open de floodgate ob my elemquence on de subjick nex week. Dere am a great differepSe atwene a saw-mill now and what dey used to wus. I^-i^ed to be dat de wood wus brought tode mill, but de jaaMfcob probement now marches off de mill to de wood. . ^^ Sam Beatlehed, you be so kind as to tote 'round de sasser dis time. ^ LECTURE LXXIII. ALL SIGNS FAIL. Inflated Mortals — I IS gwane to hab a wurd to say to you dis ebenin on de SIGNS OB DE TIMES. When I say signs ob de times, you muss not 'spose I meen dem signs dat say skruce beer and ginger-pop on dem, nor dem wat read^washin' done here in de reer, kase I don't meen dem. I meen de ipwisable signs dat -only men ob siance kan 'tinguish in de times. Dere am signs posts stuck up in de rode ob life, 'pon which us noein fellers kan read what yon poor ignunireat scoundrels don't noe notin 'bout. 2i0 BLACK DIAMONDS. You had hurd ob de feller dat died and made no sign. Well, dat chap coodent a bin edd er a sign-painter or a biz- ness man, or else he'd a made sum kind ob a sign afore he died, ef only a lai-ger beer sign wid a cork-screw on it. America am a nashun tfb signs — ef a man hab got only two lemons and free decanters in hp window, and a quart ob rum on he sheff, he am sure to git a sign clar across he house, wid sum mity big name painted on it, wid Wasiiing- ton in de middle. Napoleon Bonypart on one end and Andrew Jackson on de odder. De signs ob de times all|Kk .upwards. Ebery body am gwane up toun 'mong de IrisHockracy. De lower part ob de sity ain't worf libin in no more. De pepil all mobing ou^^ob it, and now de churches am all gwane up dere, too, so dat putty soon de doun toun abdoreens will be widout de benefit ob de clurgy. I may hab to go up myseff afore long ■ — deres no noein. Tings hab went up to-day dat didn't tink ob it yesterday. I>eres Bill Lucky, put his coat up (to spout), and Dan Honestface hab bin sent up to Black- well's Hand, and dere am no noein who may go up next — tings look mity omnibus 'round dese diggins. It arn't considered suspectable to lib dis side ob fifty-ninf 'treet no more — derefore I tink we better foller de tide ob minagrashun, and jump 'bord de big scow ob " speckula- shuu," and go up wid de rest. I don't mean up Salt Riber. I heer dat its crowded up dar. All de Hotels on de banks am full, and plenty hab bin turned frum de Greeley House, and Seward's Manshun Hotel am oberrun to sich a degree dat de " outs," as dey call 'em, hab to 'ply to G-en. Scott's bead-quarters fur shelter. All ob de houses doun toun am oberrun all de time. Ef not wid boarders, dey am wid bed- bugs, which am all de same. You should nebber belebe dat bekase a house hab a big ALL SIGNS FAIL. 241 sign, dat de shop am always full, no more den yoii should belebe ebery man you meet wid a high forehed am a Daniel Webster or your suspected shepherd. Signs am bery deceibin. I'll tell you a nanagote 'bout a sign, which I heer some time ago, in order to probe my insertion. Dere was once on a time, dat a man up set de hide-buzi- ness down in de swamp (dere hab bin a good menny swamped round dar, and dats why dey name it ^swamp), and wen he opened shop he dident noe wat kind ob a sign to git dat wood be different frum all de r^ ob his nabors — so de tort struck him (dese fellers will strike pepil sometimes, and de hed generally kotches it fust), dat as his name wus Taller, he wood bore a hole in de front door, and put a caff's tail in it, and de letters O. R. at de side, so it wood read tail-or, and besides be an insignificance to de passer, dat he sold hide and leder. Well, he opened shop and he hadent bin open more den free weeks, afore a customer cum, dat am he tort he was a customer, and I 'speck he wus, and mity green one at dat, frum de country. He fust distracted de 'tention ob de man ob de shop, by bein seen by him"a-walkin up and doun in front ob de store, >wid he eye on de tail all de time. Kow and den he wood stop and handle de taU, and seemed as if wanted to play wid it. Once he wus seen to take a rule out ob he pocket and measure de size ob de hole and de tail, and Mr. Tailor opened de do' and axed him ef he wus lookin fur hides. " No, sir," sed de countryman. - " I waaent in want of ennything in that line, but I wus foolosifizein on dat caff's taU in dat hole." "Well," ax Mr, Tailor, "do you see ennything berry strange 'bout dat ?" " Well, yes," returned the man. "I' wus trying to make 11 Z4a BLACK DIAMONDS. out how on arf a caff cood git his body through dat little hole, and not git his tail in." So you see by dis simple cafPs tail, dat signs am bery deceibin. Derefore, trust not to dem. You often see tings in front ob shops dat am not ment fur signs. 1 heer dat a drunkin feller wus found layin on a tabern stoop, fass asleep. and a man stuck he hed in do' and told de tabern keeper dat he sign had blown doun, and wus layin on he stoop — dats anudder instance ob not understanding signs. De signs ob de present time am all gold — gold — gold. Eberybody am arter it, and de pepil will reach so high to git it, dat I am affraid dat de speckelashuns will fall to de ground, and de price ob white-wasbin fall wid it. Look out, my frens, how you read de signs ob de times. Dere will be a coUeckshun taken up dis ebenin to pay my washwoman, and backer bill, and to send a mishouary to Congress to sibilize de members. Bradder Jeemes Cornfoot will pleese pass 'round de sasser. DISPLATS TAST LEARNING. 243 LECTURE I,XXIV. DISPLAYS VAST LEARNING. Ladies and Gemmon — JsoTwinsTAXDiN de change in de gubernraent, I shall still continue to spred de lite of siance abroad. !Not\vidstiind- in de adwent ob Capt. Coggy in de leftural world, I shall still shine and claim prosedence on de ladder ob literary farae_ I shall dis ebenin draw my discorse from gogrofy, and splain to yon comfiu 'bont de CHINESE. De Chinese country am sitewated in direct antiphathies to New York, on de globe ob de world, and I found out dat de sun goes dar darin de nite when be lebes de back side ob Hobueken at sua donn, and cums up tudder side ob de Dry Dock in de morning— derefore de day time cums in de middle ob de nite 'mong dem folks, and dats de reson dey am sich a curious set. De Emperor wants to make belebe he am sura pankins, and derefore claims to be a neer relatif ob de sun, and calls de stars he sisters, and soaps up de natifs dat he cum frum heaven to rule dem for de good ob de country. He rites his letters on a sheet ob paper as big as a bedqnilt, and signs bis name wid his foot. De kountry all worship a little wooden image dat looks like a nigger baby wid de mumps, and dis dey call " Josh," widout enny odder name. Eberybodies name in China am edder " Mcasi " or " Cow."' Deres de family ob " Mean frens," de Cow 244 BLACK DIAMONDS. Chows, de Cow Chews, de Chow Cows, and Chew Cows, but its all cows, and de reson day call so manny cows, am bekase dey all wear tails, only at de odder end ob de body frum de cows in dis country. De produckshun ob de country am cups and sassers, reed cannons, opium, tea-boxes, and Chinese Junks, Dere food con- sists ob rice,. opium, tea, birds-nests, snails, little puppys, rats and mice, catapillars and grub worms, and when dey hab a holiday-dinner, dey serbe up a roasted dead dog, wid de bark all on. All dis am eaten wid ticks ob wood, sted ob nives and forks. De only use nives am put to, am to cut de ears off ob balawacktors or milafactors I forget now which. De Chinaman resemble de cullard man in sum respecks, and den again he don't. He got a flat nose, but little feet and black teef, and he shave he head. He resemble de dar- key most in caracktor, kase he will steal. But de Chinese teaf does it different frnm de cullard man — far when de latter goes to teal chickens and eggs, he only pulls off he shoes, but de Chinese strips off all his close as nakid as a skined ell, and greeses heseff all ober wid goose greese, and puts he hed in a bladder, so dat he cow-tail will be safe, and den he am reddy to slip tru enny punctuation frum a port to a gimblet hole. Insted, derefore, ob de police carrying " billys," dey had a little tin pan containin' ashes, which dey wear 'round der nex, and de moment dey see der slip- pery customer, dey rub der hands in de ashes like de eel butchers, and put after de teaf. As soon as de kotch him, dey pickel him up in a tub, wid gis his ded out ob de cub- ber, and dar he sets, dubbled up like a jack-knife, in de market-plase, wid a beauful roasted rat widin two inches ob he nose, till old Kee Cow De Fing Fang, de Captin ob Pol- ice, tinks he hab 'nuff, and den dey spank him wid a bambo- spawn stick, and- send him home. DECEFflONS. 245 De sogers dar dress in calico frocks and paper soger hats, and carry guns made out ob long reeds, which dey fire off wid a match at de touch-hole. For dis purpose dey carry a lantern wid a candle in it, and dey lite de match to de can- dle, and den stick it to de touch-hole, and off goes de gun, and does as much execution as a sixpenny squirt. All dis, you black scorpians, goes to probe dat de Chinese am behind de age, and I think a mishonary ort to be sent out to dem, to show dem how to make clam-soup and berlona sassengers. De kollecshun dis ebenin will be fur dat purpose. I shall tote 'round de sasser myseff. LECTURE LXXV. DECEPTIONS. Rebelous Rebels— I SHALL spoke to you dis ebenin frum de tex, which you will find in de pictur books. " JfEBER TRUST TO 'PEARANCES." My frens, dis am a wicked world — full ob deceit and' nonsense, big pumkins and bigger lies, and all sich warmints. It seems to be a wonderful disease on de part ob eberybody, to seem what dey are not, and derefore humbuggery am de order ob de day. One man paints up he old brick house de culler ob brown stone, to humbug folks into de idia dat it am granite, anudder man follows in de paff and paints up an old wooden shanty in imitashnn ob marble, and humbugs 246 BLACK DIAMONDS. hfeseflf into de bslief dat he libs in a marble palace, but boff ob dese instances cura.i ckrly under di; law ob false pretence, bekase dey pretend dere bouses to be, what in reality dey am not — derefore you see de inipereiiee. When eiuiy ob de sisters make dere twilight to go out a leQionadi'i in Broadway, dey giuerly make up fur de caishuii ; so dat you can't trust to 'porenees — and I tiuk dat a 'zauiiu- ashua ob de subjick will at oncj convince you dat Mr. Brig- a-Dig Gine'ral Jackson's use ob cotton at de battle of Xew Orleans hab been hiely 'zageraterl, fur he only used it to fortify his front, but de ladies use it on all sides — not so much for fortificashun as stuffiflcashun. When dey don't stuff wid cotton, dey use dem little double-brestedi scoop nets what yon see in de windars in Broadway, in de cosdet shops. Bnt do de sisters use false pretences in order to hum- bug de odder sex euny more den de dandy doss to swell np he own figur — -fur ef human natur had made enny ob dem wid de deformed chists, dat sum ob dem carry, dey vvood consider demseffs a damaged piece ob mortality, and wood be a runnin to de doctor man to git cured — and agin, ef riatur 'flieted a man wid a red head, and a beard liaff as black dey culler it, he wood be considered a curiosity fit to hab a star engagement at de Museum. Wheneber, derefore, you see a man wid a red head and black whiskers, do not blame natnr fnr sich botch-work in 'temptin to make a man, but let de fait rest in de rite place, and accuse wanity and de low price ob de hair-dye fnr de same, and set it down in your scratch-book of nolege as false pretences in de fifth degree. My poor deluded frens, ef we war to trnst to 'pereiices, we wood belebe de moon to be a bladder wid a gass lite in it, and de sky a sheet ob bine rapping paper, wid spangles stuck on it. We wood look 'pon de sun as de draft hole to de bad place, and we wood git stuck wid tin shillins ebery DEOEWIUNS. 247 day. Logwood and alumwater wood b3 drank for port wine, and camph3;ie swalleroi fur ds b333 bedia gin. We wood make judges oat ob owls, and ministers oat ob jack-asses — bakass ons look wise, and de odder grave. So yoa see dere ana no 1133 ob trujtin to 'peransss. Ef we do we will get mity taken in, now mind I tell yoa. We are more apt to trust to 'psreiices in our young days, den we is arter we git oar eye-teef cat. I noe a little darkey dat was beaufully sacked in by a lookin-glass once. His farder and madder lib in a back country, on a cotton plantaslion, and de little feller hab neber seeu a lookin glass in he life, bat he hab seen a monkey fast to an organ dat cum fru dar once, fast to an Italion, Well, one day de farder ob de boy went to toun and bied a glass, and pat it in de bottom ob he trunk. When he cum home, de little darkey opened de trunk cub- ber, looked in, and shut it doun agin quick as lightnin, and jumped 10 his feet and slapped his hands, and sung out, " I'm glad 1 I'm glad ! fadder hab brought home a monkey, and I is gwane to play wid it." So yoa see what it am to trust to 'pea,mnces. But I belebs it am born in us to wish to seem what we am not. Little boys am ginerly born wid der fists doubled up to make de nuss tink he had cum fur a pugalistic fite, when he am noffin bat a feeble sucker, who looks 'pon de eye ob he madder as de moon, and her mouf as-de gateway ob heaben. I may hab somfin to say to yon in my nex 'bout de now- geras/iwn, ef it don't turn- out to be too great a bore. Brudder Horace G. Goagh Batthed will please pass round de sasser, and refuse all suffern and western wild cat money. 248 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXVL a trip to washington. Beloved Proselites — As it aDi well none by de world ginerly, and dis con- gregashun in particMer, dat I hab bin doun to de Capitol ob de Nashun, and seed de 'Naugerashun ob Massa Pierce, I 'spose it am spected dat I should liten your intelecks on wat I seed and herd in dat city of polushun, politicks, big streets and big taberns. Derefore I shall, like all odder great trabelers, gub you a few notes (not bank notes), I took on de journey. Massa Fuller, Massa Willis, Massa Bryant, am all ritein to de noosepapers what dey see — derefore, I do de same. On de Wensday, mornin afore de 'naugerashun, I took de cars, or redder de car took me frum Jersey City to Filem- endelfy. De pepil wus bery perlite to me, and I only had my^hat nocked doun ober my eyes tree times durin de hole passage. I dident car fur de hat, but my wardrobe and wooden comb wus in it, and my todder shirt got mussed. Nobody cood tell what I was gwane to Washinton for, and dey kept axin me ebery now and den ef I wus spectin an oflSce, and one feller, dat opens oysters in Fulton Market when he'm at home, behind a pair of cullard mostachoes, said he wus well 'quainted wid Gineral Pierce, and ef I'd gub him fibe dollars, he wood secure me a posishun as Ram- bassender to Coney Hand, whar I cood git my fill ob clams, at de xpence qb de Post Office. I tort it wus a putty good A TRIP TU WA piNGTOX. 249 offer, but I beat him doun to free dollars, and he 'greed to git me dat office, as he sed dat wus de only office wacant fur a cuUerd man. Wen I got to Filemendelpha I looked all ober fur de mustashoed feller, but coodent find him no whar, no how — but ef eber I do lay my outraged hans on him, he'll smell sumSn like Bunker Hill, I'll bet a brickbat against his hed. De comduckter on de Baltimore track made me git in de car whar de gemmon's luggage wus, and T laid my hed on somebody's police, de contents of which, acted on me like a dose of ludlnm, and I fell asleep till de depot ribed at Washington. Wen we got dar, I found de police belonged to a sertain editor, and wus fill'd wid his weekly papers. Dey husseled me out ob de cars wid de rest ob de baggage, and I commenced to hunt up a place to sleep. I speckted to find a crowd ob darkeys at de car-house' wid bangers and music, to scorch me up to de toun, but not a darkey node me, and I wus compelled to sleep at lass (dere bein no odder place in de toun), on a hepe ob shawens, under de steps ob de Capitol. In de nite a snow-storm come on, and^ I kotched sich a cold dat I dident noe whar to git brake- fast. As I scratched-out frum my sleepin place, and brush- ed de shawins out ob my har and close, I met Massa Tom Benton, a strutin doun de walk in a deep revelly ; no dout cogetatin in he own mind, wedder he made de Almity, or de Almity made him — and wedder he honored de Senate House or de Senate House him. In a minite Gen. Cass cum along readin de Picayune, and a lookin a little grum, as ef he seed somfin he dident like. Putty soon de pepil begin to gedder round de Capitol, in front ob de big platform, and a feller wid a paper ob to- bacco in his mouf, told me to be a mobin, dat he dident like to see darkeys a strolin round de Capitol, so I took up my 11* 250 BLACK DlAM'JXIia. line ob march to de rofunder, in de middle ob de house, whar all de pictures am 'boat Gen. Washington. I found de floor moss an inch deep wid tobacco spit, and here again I wus told to raobe on, but I 'termined to see de Naugera- shun,- so I left de primices and got a pail ob water in ray hand and a tin cup, and I went in high and dry on do tem- perance principal, behind a soger company, pretendin to gnb de sogers drink, and de sogers wood hab lilied it fuss rate ef dere had only bin brandy mixed in wid it. It wus a snowin all de time dat Massa Pierce wus gittiu bored wid do augerashun, and eberybody sed it wus 'bout as Pierce-in a day as wus eber none in dat part ob de climate. I seed de hole proceedins, frum beginin to end, and I'll bet all de money dat cums in de sasser to-nite, dat Massa Pierce habs his own Way 'bout tings in general. Old Massa Fillmore rided in de carrage wid him, wid a face as mild and sweet as de fust blush ob a Roria Borin Alas, on de fust dew-drops ob de mornin — feelin, no dout, perfeck- ]y sassagefied dat he had done his duty. Ef he ain't sassagefied ob de fac heseff, de pepil am, and dats 'nuff. De darkey popelashun ob Washington woodent suashcate wi 1 me, and troud it up to me dat I wus a poor free nigger, and dident belong to nobody, and I wus too low fur dem to mix wid. 'Siety 'mong de cullerd folks am berry good in Washington. A rarabassender's or a Fur-on Counsellor's darky won't suasheafe wid a Congress-man's waiter no how. And fur my part, I like de Norf de bess, kase here de darky kan bo as sassy as de wite trash, and. be suspected gis de same. Derefore, I is glad to git back, fur I ain't seen you since I don't care when, and I feel as glad as ef I'd found a clean .shirt, and I cood shake all ob yonr corn-stealers at once. I shall hah someSn more to say, gis as like as not, 'bout sum tings I seed on de tramp, fur I seed a good deel OLD TIMES AND NEW. 251 which dis old hedake ob mine won't let me open on dis ebenin. But I'll tell you dat a Naugerashuu day in Wash- ington, am wat a Forf ob July am here, all 'sept de hot sun and rum stands round de Park. A.s trablin am putty nie all f aid fur in dis country, I find myseff mity short on de comia home trip, derefore I shall look fur a full sasser dis ebenin. LECTURE LXXVII. old times and new. Lambashus Sinners — It is my 'tent and purpos to say a few wurds to you 'bout old times and new times, compare de past wid de pre- ceedin, and de comin times wid de futur, and see de differ- ence, or in odder wurds, I shall spoke to you on de INOAWSHHNS OB DE AGE. Who am dere 'mong dis big^ crowd dat don't recomlect old times? Maybe sum kin go farder back den odders. I liebber node an old darkey in my life, eder hemale or she- male, that hadent held Gen. Washington on dere nee and nussed him like a baby — but I aint none ob dese— I don't date back so fur, but I go a good ways in ihe rear of tirao notwithstandin — and wat was considered sum punkins in ray young days am now looked 'pon as old fogyisra. I don't 'zactly noe de menin ob old fogy, but I will send an inquiry to Massa Cass, as dey say he noes de critter like a catakissim. Wen I was young, de old ladies in de parlor used to take delite in nitten stockins — dat day am passed, kase dey got a mechine fur doin it now. In dem days it wus part ob a 252 BLACK DIAMONDS. wife's duty to make her husband's shirts, but tain't so no more — dere's a sewin mechine fur doin dat, too. Trowsers den used to be made by hand, but now dey gis stick a piece ob clolf in a mechine and turn a crank, and out cums as menny reddy made cloze as wood supply an army ob soger mans. I kin recumleck wen de stage-coach used to kick up a dust tru de country towns, and blow a fish horn to make de children git out ob de way ; but now de old mity steam bullgine cums rattlin fru dese places in iron harness, a snortin like old Belzebub when he's arter an Alderman. Ebery ting seems turned upside doun. Eben de ladies slebes, fur dey used to wear dem big at de shoulder and mity tight at de hand, now its tight up dar and big at de rist — and de gemmon hab cut all de tail off ob der coats and put it in de slebes ob de same, till dey look as ef dey had der arms in der trowsers. Folks don't hab to work no more now, de wash board am done away wid, and all washin am done wid der mechine. Dere ain't no soap required no more neder ; cloze am washed wid washin-fluids, and wile de lady ob de house am playin de forty pianos in de parlor, de washin am bein done by steem in de kitchen. Dis is de age ob mechines and new invenshuns. De old Hoss pistol hab had to gub way to de Colt's revolwer, and de young fellers am riden ruff shod ober us old cusses, and we can't do nofin but holler. I heer ob new tings starting up ebery day, and soon you will see mechines for openin clams and skinen eels. More den one haff ob de public offices am turned into skinen mechines to skin de pepil, and dey do it most 'fectally, and I speck de nex ting I noe you will hab a mechine to lectur to you ebery week in place ob me, kase you tink it will work fur less wages. I tink it needs a mechine ob sum OLD TIMES AND NEW. 253 kind to furnish lecturs fresh and origiual ebery week, fur I feel dis old tiakin apperatus in my nolege box almoss worn out, and putty soon it must be laid up wid de ress ob de old lumber — but wile I is able to wag my tongue, you shall heer de trufFs ob siance as strait as a crowbar, and as solid as a drunkard's oath. Mechines am not always found to be good — sumbody wus fool 'nuff to construck one dat wood clean de treets in no time, afore de sun rubbed de dust out ob he eyes in de mornin, but it wus soon scubbered dat it woodent do, bekase it coodeut wote, and it wus cast aside like a milky potater. What a blessin it wood be ef sum kute Yankee wood inwent a mechine fur xtractin lies out ob newspapers, and currupshun out ob de politishuns, and at de same time inject a Kttle charity into de harts ob all misers and fanat- icks, but sich hallelujah times as dem will nebber cum wile dis old sheep's head ob mine am bleating on arf — but de time will cum, you rebelous scorpians, when mankind will be looked 'pon as bein as good as ennybody, and womankind a good deal better. Deu de belignent wings ob siance will sore above de equinotaU line ob bliss, and all creashun stand agap and gaze in putrified amazement on genus and human natur. Whoeber libs to see dat day, will find dat siance will still march magestickly on, like a lazy darkey to de cot- ten field — all de fundimental equilibrum will be consentra- ted in one wast epox or small pox, it won't make enny difference which, and de shout ob wictory will go forth like de sound ob a woman's tongue in mobin-time. Wid dese reflecshuns I send round de sasser by Brudder Emanuel Laber Johnson, and I hope you won't be so cussed stingy as you wus lass week. Dere wusn't nuff to buy a pit ticket in de Sirous. BLACK UIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXVIII. some account of jersey. Well Frens — Heke I is agin, cum back anudder time, and I will keep a cumin back, like a fly to a sore shin in summer time, till I beat suspectability into you, or take de last shilling you got. I ain't got much to say to you dis time, derefore it won't take me more dan a week to say it — but wat I got to spit out, am de truff, so I don't car who nose it. I'm as independent as an Irish woter on Lexsliun Day, and as impudent as a lawyer to a shemale witness. I'm as sas.sy as a bumble bee, and I feel as big as an oberfed bullefant. I'm a gwane to talk strait fours to you, kase I like to do it. All de world, inkludin Europe, am readin my lecturs — de newspapers steel em, de pepil read 'em, and de ue.^ ting you hear will be dat sumbody cum to steel me. Gosh ability, dey'd cotch a tarter emetic of dey do — dey'd better luff me alone, for ef I once begin to shake myseff into axshn, you will heer ob frequent arfquakes, and sumbody been gulliped up. I noe a ting or two, dat ain't bin sed in Congress yet, and probably neber will. When I went to Washington to see Massa Pierce 'aug- erated by de poletishuns, I was a little frisrhtened wen I heerd dat I had to go frn Jersy, kase I dident noe what mite happen to me when once out ob de jurydicshun ob dc United States of Hail Columbia. I always understood dat it wus a wild regeon, and d« pepil only hafif sibilized, dere- SOME ACCOUNT OP JERSEY. 255 fore I took pertickler 'tenshuii ob de uatifs, and I belcbe I've bill inoss buaufuily sucke>l in, fur in all da towns I wus jiirked tvn by de old he locosmoker, I seed dem a standin ou de platforms ob de car house, chawiii tevbacker, and inside I seed dem drinkin rum ; so you see dey am sibilized gis a.s well as you Yorkers. I specked to see dem dressed to deif iu tree cents worf ob red paint and a tommyliawk, and de wimon in ear-ringSj nose rings, and a string ob beeds, like de ingin folks, bnt no 1 dey hab five-dollar suits on all round. It seemed frura de way dere cloze fit dem, dat dey all muss sleep in one mity big room, "and all xchange cloze ebery- mornin, fur I didcut see one dat dident look as if he wore his close fru compulshuu, and not frum choise. De boys all had on der daddy's coats, and der daddys all 'peared to hab on de boys trowserloons. I'm sassagefied dat de musshuna- ries hab bin sent 'mong dem, kase I heard one ob de natibs sware kase anudder gis happen to let a barrel ob pork rool on he foot and skuash it a little. I was berry anxious to find out all I cood 'bout de koun- try while I was in it, and once when de rail-rode stop^ I stick my head out ob de depot, and I ax a feller in cow skin boots, which boots wus up to de middle ob de leg in mud, dese questions, and got des'e ansers — - " Wat kountry am dis ?" " Tain't no kountry— ^it's Jersey." " Wat's de produxshuu ob de sile ?" " Red mud, rail-rodes, iugin-rubber shoes, jack-asses, and State-Prisons." " Why what do you lib on ?" " Salt mackerel, and orders on de store — aumtimes on dams, at eighteen pence a hundred." " Don't you hab no beef, nor no butter, no noffin ?." " Yes, we git plenty ob de last artickle, and we git beef 256 BLACK DIAMONDS. in hog-kilin time. We eat Jard and salt far butter — dat cussed New York takes all our butter. We supply it wid Orange Kounty milk and butter, and grub 'long de best way we kin.'' • " Weil, don't you raise nofin in de ground ?" " Oh, yes ! pavin stones, ledder chips, and clam shells." " Oh, you must tab odder tings besides dese, or else you coodent lib. Can't you tink ob nofEn else you raise here ?" " Oh, yes, plenty. Feber and ager, patent medicines, con- sumpshun, bad colds, malisha trainins, and now and den a fite." " Don't de folks neber marry here ?" " Oh, yes, sebrel married lass year, and two poor-houses hab been bilt dis season." I wus gis gwane to ax him his name, wen de old'iron hoss gub a snort and set us a flyin, but I seed a row ob yeller teef a grinnin at me as far as I cood see de man. Notwidstandin all dis, my frens, I tink Jersey a fust rate place fur a poor man to die in. Dat feller wus a sour cuss, and I heerd afterwards, frum one ob de nabors, who got in de car while I wus spokein to him out ob de winder, dat he wus so sour, dat de folks sent fur him fur miles 'round, to cum and look in der pickel barrel, as his expreshun wood act on dem better den winegar. He wus christened wid winegar, fed on green grapes and crab apples, drank nofin but lemon juice and sour sider all his life, and neber cum near enny- body widout gubbin dem a stomjack-ake. I speck de reson I dident cotch it, wus bekase, like moss folks dat trabel much, I wus well fortified wid gingerbred all 'bout my cloze. Dats all I cood find out 'bout Jersey by passin fru, and I tort I'd tell yon 'bout it. Sum folks on de odder side ob de big pond hab written a hole book on de institnshuns ob de SPMNCf TIME. 251 kountry, de habits and manners ob de pepil, and neber seed no more ob it dan I did ob Jersey. So I only follow in de beaten paffs (beaten as solid as de paff frum de back door ob a circus, to de nearest rum shop) ob my lushus preceed- in successors. Will Brudder LaFayette Bobson Rusher pleese pass round de useal sasser, and look out always fur bad coppers. LECTTJRE LXXIX. SPRING TIME. Suspicious Filibusters — I TOLD you lass week 'bout my habin-de runiaticks, and I is now as full ob pains as a big church window, but I speck to recubbef de use of my appetite and drinkatite as soon as de lubly spring am opened like a huge oyster, by de warm rays ob de glorious old sun. I don't belebe dar' am ennyting dat will cure de old rumatism — aldo a furiner on fuss landin 'mong us, wood judge, by readin de newspapers, dat we hab gis bin de sickest nashun on de arf, and all hab gis got cured, and was so glad dat dey put it in de news- papers, to luff dere frens noe dat dey am once more seeable. On de odder hand, a green furiner wood 'spose, frum readin de advertisements ob de quack-doctors (and all de doctors am quack-doctors), dat all de community was in a drefful state of sickness, and didn't noe wat to do fur demseff, and dat sum beneblent pusson wus pubhshin a newspaper gis to tell dem whar to cum and git cured at once, and so end de 258 BLACK DIAMONDS. / matter. Surntiraes de sickness am ended, and snmtimes de pasheiit, which am all de same, a hundred years friiui now. In old times, in Spain and France — two countries away off furder den New Orleans — it used to be de custom fur de quack-doctors to ride on a he Jack-ass, and hab a man to blow a horn. When de horn was blowd in de market place, de pepil serable round de ass and de doctor, and den he wood open he box, like de soap man on de team tates, and sell his stuffs, and de pepil at de same time — but now it am different. De quack-doctor uses de newspaper insted ob de Ass, and de editors dereof do de blowin. De man on do Ass used to colleck pennies and shillins, but de man dat rides on news]>aper popularity, collecks dollars insted, and all dis am owein to de 'provement ob de times, and de news received daily frum de spiritual world. We am now in de happy spring time, in de seson ob tem- tashun, fur I belebe it war in de spring timeob de world dat mudder Bbe temted farder Adam ; but you fellers dat lib in de city don't noe nufBn 'bout de beniue influenza ob de lubly spring. Ef you want to feel de spring in your nostrils, and wish to kick up like a young colt in a clober lot or be as sportive as a pig jis broke out ob he pen, you muss go to de kountry which God made wid he ow-n hans, and git away frum de brick and mortar cities, which dat animal man projected, erected, and bilt fur heseff. Howbeauful am all tings in de kountry ob a spring mornin. Den yon har de lubly singin ob de cows, de sweet ba-ah ob de sheep, and de lowin ob sweet little birds as dey jump frum lim to lim, cotchin de dear little innocent worms, dat hab foolishly got up afore de birds. Den it am dat de sheep and calves grow frisky, and cut up all sorts ob jimnastys on de hill side, in de warm moonshine. De'Eun by dis time hab laffed old Vi'lnter in de face so SraiNG TIMII. 259 long, dat he had to open his icy teef and let de brooks once more go on dere way rejoicein, and off dey run a babbling up and doun like stocks iu Wall street. All natnr seems to hab gis taken out a new leace of life, and feels pertickprly fine on de 'caishun. De roseys will soon be dere now, and de perfume ob de flowers, de grass, and de cow-yard, will gib liealf and sassagefacshun to dose who choose to seek it. Talk^bout your black swans, — why you can heer plenty ob dem 'bout milkin time, ob a spring mornin, in a kountry cow-yard. Yes, indeed, it wus in a morantic spot like dis dat I fnss herd dat sole-stirring melody ob " Jinny get your hoe cake done." 1 shall neber forgit dat scene as long as I tiuk ob it. Dere wus massa jawin, De cow wus a chawin, De boss wus a pawin, Do rooster wus a cawin, De old Jack-ass wus a brawia, — ' De pigs and sheep a playin, Jemima wus a sin gin, I wus on de gate a swingin, And I wish [ may be davn, Ef I tort it enny harm — But de old man got a stick, And fotcli me sicli a lick, Dat he made me scrach and kick, — And I smart fur alraoss a week. But dem days am gone now. I muss stay heer in dis sity fur bread and butter. De spring am bery different here. Insted ob smellin roses, you small bed-bugs and dirty streets. All de fresliuess you git am frum de lime pail. Insted ob green grass to walk "pon, you hab wet floors, and de only music you heer am de wiraon^scoldin, and de carman a swaria whilst he am a smashia your tings when mobin dem. Dust 260 BLACK DIAMONDS. fills your eyes, nose, and mouf, in de day time — and smoke frum baMiin up old straw beds at night. So you see de difference and de odds atwene de sity and de kountry in de spring. I don't noe dat you fellers notice dese tings as much as me, kase when a feller am under de wedder, he am reddy to find fault wid eberyting in life, frum de high price ob putty doun to a toof-pick. Dats air you'll git out ob me to-night. And you may put in as much or as little as you like whea long Oudgo passes round de sasser. LECTURE LXXX. FIRST OF MAY IN NEW TOEK. Dee hab bin' a high gittin up-stairs since I hab seen you lass week. All New York hab turned itself inside out like one ob dem kowloskopes. May-be you don't noe what a kowloskopes is. Den I hab to stop and tell you. A kowloskopes is a haff sivlized spy-glass. Tou look in at de bung hole, and turn him roand, and de hole lot ob red, yeller, and blue jokers inside, turn .demseffs inside out like de ingin- rubber man in de Museum, and change places ebery time it turns. Tou muss be bery earful while lookin tru it, kase it mite make you dizzy heded, and go off and spill itself. Ebery year New York turns round like a kowloskope, and de joker change places sumtimes fur betterer, sumtimes fur worserer. Ob corse de time fur doin dis in New York is de first ob May — den eberybody mobes fur seberal 'days before de time. De gentlemen is mobin round to git up de rent — de FIRST OF MAY IN NEW YORK. 261 womens mobin round to pack up de tings, git a house, and- BO-forth, and so on. It is in dese times dat de kolored man always blesses de feller dat inwented de art ob white-washin — its de only time in de yeer when he kan be sassy as he like — dis am de time, when, ef he spats de lime all ober do furniture, and de lady yells out to him and shows him what he had done, he kan look round wid 'pnnity, and tell her to git a rag and a little greece, and rub it off to suit herseff. Dis am de season fur slaughter 'mong de bed-bugs, and de mice, and de rats — and it is in fact de season when de kol- ored populashun am to be respected in dar rites. Mobin day always wus de Forth ob July in New York fur de kolored people, and ef dey do smash and break tings, de gemmons tinks it don't make no difference, kase de kolored folks am worth nothin, and dey can't get noffin frum dem — derefore I say unto you, blessed am dey dat ain't not got no furniture fur dey got little to get smashed in mobin ; blessed am dem dat am too poor to hire a house, fur den dey got no rent to pay ; blessed am dey dat lib in one room, fur den dey ain't got de whole house to look arter ; blessed am dey dat ain't got nothin to eat, fur dej won't be J;roubled wid de dyspep- tic ; blessed am de poor in pocket, fur dey ain't troubled wid Sndren and State money ; and blessed am de sick, wid ennyting but rnmaticks, fur dey git all de swee|;meats. Dis is . de season when de little birds mate, and de crows get married, and so does de elemphant. It am de time fur going into partnership generally. Talking of partnership, brings to my mind sumting dat I kan't tink of ; and while its in my recoUecshun box, I'll jist tell it to you — its a story, and mite be called a nanedote. It happened when de kountry ob Jersey wasent bigger den a cow-yard, and de great big churches what you got now, 262 BLACK DIAMONDS. wasent bigger dan a lien-coop ; in fact, de kountry wus bery young. About de time menshmied in de lass clause, dere libed two old kolored men, one was named Siniou Strong (who de folks used to call Strong SimOti fur shortness), de odder's name wus Ben, his name wood hah bin Franklyn, but dey dident noe how to spell it — derefore, because de schoolmas- ter wusn't abroad, he was robbed of he best name. Dese two old darkies went into partnership one May mornin, in de wood chopin business. Dey got along fuss rate fur more dan a week, biit dere wus a suckemstance dat took jilace wliich cojapsed de firm. Old Simon Strong had a great fashion ob gnintin, wliencver he was cliopin wood, he always guy a grunt like an old hog disturbed in a mud hole — dis use to make Ben laff, and he sed to him — " Simon, what makes yuu grunt so ebery time you hit de wood ?" " Ah !" said Simon, leaning on he axe handle, " dat am a great mark ob stronf, Ben. When Goliah carried away de gates ob Jordon, ho was herd to grunt sixty miles round" " Well," • says Ben, '' I tink you can strike jis as hard a blow widont gruntin, as you kan wid gruntin." " I noe better," says Simon, " fur I hab tride it." " Well, I'll tell you what I'll do wid you," says Ben, " I'll bet you free cents dat you kan chop up haff a cord ob wpod as quick, and let me do de gruntin, as if you grunted yourself." " Well," says Simon, " I'll take dat bet — How long does it ginerally take you to chop half a cord ?" axed Simon. " About half a day." Well, de nex mornin, Simon commenced to cut de wood, wile Ben sat on a log and done de gruntin — it took him all day till snn-down to chop de haff cord, and ob corse wun de FIKST OF MAT IN' NEW TOKK. " 263 'wager. Now c'e troabble commenced in de firm — when Saturday nite cum, Simon wooJeiit pay Ben he share far cuttin de wood, because he said lie dident do aothin toward.^ it, but jis sat on a log all day and grunt. Dis make Ben bery mad, and on Monday mornin' he went and lade he complaint before de door ob a Dutch Justice. De Justice listen to de complaint in all de specktacles and morning gown what he had. He sed he wood prosecute Simon fur bigimy, and send a konstable wid a suspician after him ; and after hearin de case, he wanted free weeks to gib a division ob de case. Dnrin dese free weeks, Simon and Ben wns lookin black at each odder, makin snoots and shakin fists at deraseffs, wen^ber dey met. By-and-by de day cum for de division, and Squire Tunderbighed's cort-room in he kitchen wus filled wid spec-tators and a few rotton punkius. Wen de hour arrived, de Justice came in frum de cow yard, coh- ered wid dirt and dignity — de fuss wurd he axed wen he sat down wus : " How much you got for shopin de wood ?" " Twenty-five cents," says Simon. " Shilence !" sed de Justice, " dat is all I vant to noes." Den he took twenty-five pennies out ob he pocket, and he tell Simon to cum on wuu side and Ben on de odder ; den he stand up, den he take wun ob de pennies and jingle it on de table, and he say to Ben — " Ben, did you heer dat jingle ?" ~ " Yes, sah !" said Ben. " Veil, den," says de Justice, " you Han lake de jingle and gib Simon de monish." And so he went on wid all de pennies, gnbbin Ben do sound only ; den de cort adjourned, and tread on a cat's tail, and you can do de same widout treadin on anybody's tail. 264 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXXI. ABSENT MINDED. OUTDASAUS SCOBPIANS As I rise dis nite, and look round me on all sides, and see sich a inosent looking ilock ob black sheep, it almoss makes me tink dat butter woodent melt in your big mouffs, and ef I dident noe better, I wood tink dat you war all red- dy to ockepy and entitled to take a frunt seat in hebbin, but you cant pull de wool ober my eyes. I noe you all like a pictur book. You kant fool me no how you kan fix it. You may hang your under lip like a mudderless colt, till it touches your westcotes, and shed krockerdile tears big as gooseberrys, but for all dat, yon kant fool your time wid me. You all tort, no dout, dat de diabolical trick you sarbed me last week wus sumfin to laflf at, and I speck you all did laff in your shirt slebes, to tink how you fooled your poor old and moss worn-out shepherd. Now gis look at all your eyes — sum ob dem am big round as sassers wid hipockracy. You am all tryin your bess to make me tink you don't noe what I am talking 'bout, but you all do, well 'nuff, and de more shame fur you, you stingy back-slidin niggers. You am niggars, kase you act like niggers lass lecture nite. I went home gis de same as ef nofin happend — wid a lite hart, noein dat I'd done my duty, and neber tort ob nofin. Next day I got up by de brake ob day, " my useal custom in de arternoon," as Massa Gimblet, de Prince ob Dunkirk, ABSENT MINDED. 265 says, and as I was agwane to walk out, I felt like takin a useal chaw ob 'bacco, and sure nuff I dident hab none, I put my hand in my odder trowsers pocket to git free cents to pay fur a paper — -not a newspaper, but a paper ob 'bacco, and sure 'nuff I dident hab enny, not pnly gis one cent. I node my money wasent in my udder close, kase I hadent no odder close fur de money to be in, derefore I wus sure on dat pint. I rushed back to de seller and axed Anty Clawson ef I had pade my bord fur de week, and sure 'nuff, she told me, " no indeed," and she wus a wonderin how I cum to go out de mormn arter lecture nite, afore I gub it to her, as I generly do. " Well, den, by golly," sed I, " I've bin robbed, fur I ain't got de fust red cent to my name." " Oh, come now," sed she, " you am too old to 'tempt enny sich niggerism as dat, at your time ob life, and I am too old to be fooled by enny sich stories as dat. Bf you hab fooled away de money, why don't you say so, and- not try to lie out ob it. I tort you cum in late lass nite, but I dident say nofln, and I woodent hab sed nofin ef you hadent a tryed to cum dat old niggerism, dat old loossin game, ober me, gis at quarter day, too." Well, dis harrang frum Anty Clawson made me mity mad, and I pitched into her at a rate ob forty hoss power. I axed her ef I dident always pay my bord and washin on de square — and she committed de fac. Well, den, I told her I'd lebe de house, and mobe my skunkto skunktorum to sum odder house ob more kindly influence. Den she told him to clar out, dat I had'so menny wench- es runnin dere, dat it wus a nuisance, Dat remark fixed my firmness in a resolution, and I made up my mind at once to trabej — so I packed up ■ all my tings in a market-basket, and me and a black man toted dem to 12 266 BLACK DIAMONDS. my new home, at sister Plorinda Lutts, m de rear, third story, back room. De fuss nite I sleep in my new bed, I coodent sleep at all, fur tinkin whar 'bouts my money cood hab gone to — when all at once de fac flash on my mind like a steel trap, dat I dident take up no coUecshun lass week at all, and derefore I nebher had de money. Now ain't you a putty set ob scorpians, not to tell me 'bout it, when you seed dat I wus so karried away wid de buty ob my discorse, dat I forgit it. Hadent I orto git a big club and cum and pound sum ob you on de coco-nut till I beat charity into your heds — ^but I'll fix you, I won't lecture a bit to nite, and you got to take up a doable koUecshun on dis caishun, or else_I don't cum next week. I'd radder sell clam-soup atwene two tin kittles and an ox yoke dan to be treated in dis way. Odder congrega- shuns buy dere shepherds a pasnips (dats a house to lib in), but' I'll nebber git a pasnip widout I go away off doun on Long Island Seagut Shore, to de willage ob Loafland, whar homesteds am sold fur fibe dollars, payable two shillirigs a week to de carier. I'll go and look at dis place, and see what kind ob a lot and home I kan git fnr fibe dollars, and den Anty Clawson, and all de rest ob de landlords may go to de Mormons. Mr. Junius Brutus Witehed will please pass round a sasser in each hand, and he will do me de kindness to 'port de name ob ebery Brudder and Sister dat don't chip up, kase I gis want to noe who am who on dis singeler caishun. FLAT TRUTHS. 267 LECTURE flat truths. Ckusadin Mortals — I HAB bin ladder eratic ia my. lecturs ob late, but dats none ob your bizness, and dats de reason I 'pologize to you. May be sum ob you don't noe de meanin ob de word eratic, derefore I stop on my way, like a milkman in de morn- in, and 'splain it to your uaderstandin. Eratic meens to fly off de handle. It am. a Greek word, and c«m pber here wid de Irish in an emigrant ship 'mong de rats. Ef you look back fur de lass few weeks, you will see dat I hab bin flyin off de handle ; and insted ob my gubbin you Simon pure siance, I hab bin gubbin you a kind ob discourse ob my pussonal mobements ; but dis ebening I trust to be more siantific den eber, and git a collecshun 'cordinly. You will find de words dat susspire me dis ebenin, in de Sam book, 29f page, fust claws ob de forty-toof werse — 19f page forty-toof werse. " Whip de debil round de stump, Ebery crack will make him jump ! Glory, glory, glory." What a blessed maginashnn de poet dat penned dese lines muss hab had. De reder ob dem kan almoss see old Jimmy Squarfoot a rushin round a stump, closely followed by a fellow wid a sharp stick. But, my frens, you musent belebe all dat de pc^t say, or else you git in a Lunitic Hos- 268 BLACK DIAMONDS. pital afore you noe it. You derefore muss not belebe dat de ole he belzebub am green 'nuff to luff ennybody whip him pussonally round a stump. De ting am empossible, fur ef he wus to gis hit his pussuer wid de tip ob he tai!, eh 1 eh I he'd be a gone coon quicker den a snake could swaller a wood-chuck. I shall diwide my subjick in free parts — fustly we cum to de whip and de stump. Secondly we cum to de jump. Firdly we cum to glory. Fustly, den, I tell you plainly dere am a good menny ways ob whippin de debil round de stump. De desire to hit him a crack and make him jump, animate de brest ob all de human family, and eberybody am human family. Sum church'people whip him in a good menny ways. Dey am doun on de freaters, bekase dey say dey am de debil's skool ; but dese berry folks will take a front seat in de sa- loon in de Museum or at Niblo's Grarden. Dey'd patronize de Serkis, and go to see dat big beast, de Hippodrome, wid- out de least cumpunkshuns of konshunce, and dats one way to whip de debil round de stump — not dat I consider dese places sinful to wisit, put bekase I noe one freater to be gis de same as de todder one. De miser whips de debil round de stump all he life — he grinds de face ob de poor to hord up he nasty gold, and den he change off wid he lowness in de end, and de debil whip him round in de odder world. De sinner tinks he am berry cunnin, and am whippin him round at a great rate, and keep him a hurryin up he kakes all de time — but in dis case de fun ob it am, de foot am on de od- der boot, fur he am lashin dem like blazes all de time. Sum folks tink dey can cheat and lie in bizness and make stacks ob money, and den whip de debil round de stump by gubbin a large donashun to do Track Society, and git der FLAT TRUTHS. 269 name in de newspapers — but you'll see when your time cums, who'll git made to fly round on dese stumps. I don't want you to tink dat I got any sympafy fur old horns and tail, kase I arn't. I wish sumbody would gub hini a lickin, kase he deserves it, as I told a white brudder de odder day in de 'treet. De brudder cum up to me and shook hans, and sed he, " Professor, I hab read ebery one ob your lectursin de Pic- ayune fur de lass two years and ober, and it really leats de debil how you kan keep dem up so characteristic and fresh.'' I dident noe 'zackly what he meant, but I told him I was bery anxious to beat dat feller, and wood do it wid a club ef I cood, and den he laf at me. But I tell ^ou what, frens, I 'tend to beat him in de end ef possible. I noe he am arter me like he am arter all de rest ob you, but I hope to dis- tance him at de end ob de race ob life, and de way I'm gwine to do it am dis^ — you kan all follow suit and git ahead ob me in de game ef you like. I am goin to be so good and charitaUe to my nabor, dat old Squarfoot won't keep cum- pany wid me. He hates good folks, and ef I kan get a chance to lam him, ef I don't I hope I won't get fifty cents in de sasser to-nite. Secondly — We cum to de crack and de jump, and I don't noe as I got much to' say on dat pint! It am only a 'spres- sion ob de poet to gub force to de figure, but ef. ever I git a crack at him wid a raw-hide, he'U see stars. I'll bet de new straw hat and summer cloze what I speck you will gub me dis week, aginst dese old forlorn rags dat I got on now, dat I'll make him jump till he'd tink Hallumlujah day had cum for sartin, and he'd got to lebe. Pirdly — We cum to glory, and dere I tink I had better lebe you. Chaw ober what I hab sed to you. It will bare 270 BLACK DIAMONDS tinkin ob afore goin to sleep — put all you can spare in de sasser and go home wid a lite hart and pocket. Dis room wants white-washin and scrubbin, and muss be done, Derefore I pint Brudder Sam Scofeld, Brudder Bras- tus B. Arlington Lutts, Brudder George Washington Franklin Peters, Sister Pecilla Jemima Johnson, and Sister Ann Amelia Sarah Mariah Tuffs, as a kommittee on de hole, to see it done. Extry kolleckshun will be taken fur lime and soap. Brudder John Tattlefat will pleese pass round de sasser, and see dat no bad money am rung in dis time. LECTURE LXXXIII. juleous' ima of the hippodrome. Sheep ob mt Fold — De subjeck dat calls aloud for 'splanation dis ebenin, am one ob de most 'portant dat hab seized de intelect for a monff ob Sundays, and may be considered in de higher walks ob siance. I hab spent more time in lookin in de gogrofy and picture books to find out 'bout him den his bed's worf. I dont noe zackly what book to tell you to look for de tex in, kase I nebber seed de animal in enny ob de books I hunt for him ; but I gess he am in Gold Smith's Anamatin His- tory ob de United States. De anamale I shall 'tempt to lucidate dis ebenin hab been a kicken up considerable ob a JULKOns' IDIA OF THE HIPPODROME, 271 dnst, ob late, in dis town, and I tink it am hie time dat I curried him down a little. De animale 'luded to am. DE HIPPODKOME. From all I hear 'bout dis beast, he must be a bully ob a animale. He am related on he mudder's side to de Drome famUy, and kinsequancely de Drome edary and de Bas-drum claim him as a member ob dere family. On he fadder's side he am related to de Hips. He am fust cusin to de Hip- popotamus, and brudder to de Hipocondrick, as nie as I can find o|it. I cant berry well 'splain his 'pearance to you, kase I nebber seed him alive, nor, as I just now sed, cood I find his dogsearotype likeness in enny ob de picture books or almanack, and I hab looked obber more dan a hundred to find it, and set up amoss all nite a doin it. I hab seed ■ de house dat he libs in dough, and I declar to you it am big as a norf ribber steembote. I was detarmand to see him, so dat I cood 'splain all de pints to you, and derefore, wid dat ontent, I went up to his house and ax de man at de doe if I cood go in and see de beast. " We got no place for colourd pepil in de house, and besides you'd only git fritened," sed de man. Derefore I had to go way, but my useal first for nolege woodent be fooled dat way, so I went round to de back door and peep in de crack at de side, and dere I seed wonders. On one side stood a kitten Elem- fiut — dat you noe am a young Elemfint — 'bout de size ob a hepe ob hair trunks. He was a eatin hay wid his nose or trunk, and while I was a lookin at him roll it up and stretch it out, like an Ingin rubber hose, I tort he'd make a fuss rate lawyer, kass he cood stick his nose so fur in odder folk's , biziness. At, fust I was puzzled to noe which was his frant or rear, kase at fust site I tort he had two tails, one at boff ends. I belebe dey stuff all de Elemfints wid hay while dey 212 BLACK DIAMONDS. lib and arter dey am ded, kase de one dey got,in de Museum am stuffed wid it till you kin see it a stickin out ob de skin. On de odder side stood a Camel, and dis poor feller bad met wid 'de same axedent dat befel de odder ope I seed in de animale show. He too hab had he back broke in two places, and nebber got it in shape agin. Dere am no noein zackly bow dese fellers all git dere backs broke in dis way, but I 'spect. its done in dere 'tempts to git fru de eye ob a needle. He looked in de &ce as if he fretted a good deal 'bout it. He looked almost broken-hearted, and stood chawin on his troubbles. He was tied wid a rope to a post, and he had tryde to git away till he had stretched his neck as long as a president's message. 1 nebber seed a Camel in his youth; dey all seem at least a hundred years old afore I see 'em, derefore I cant say much for de beauty ob dere countenance. While I was lookin in at him, and wonderin where human nature cood hab got de mould to run sich a feller in, a whole lot ob French gemmon come out ob de show shop into de place whar I was a lookin, on hoss-back. Dey war dressed up rale putty in Jockey caps and .red and yeller coats and trowsers, and dey war berry polite to one a nudder, a bowin der heds and jabbern French like Satan, talkin 'bout Louis Nincompoop or Napolion, I dont noe which. Presently one ob dem seed me a lookin at him froo de crack, and I friteend him so he screemed like a pig wid a sore foot, and showed his beef all round. Dis fa,ct drew de 'tention ob de man dat was tending to de critters, and he sung out to me, " Clar out, you ole darkey, and let dem Monkeys alone. He gub me sich a strong inwite to lebe,. dat I tort it best to muzzle. Just as I turned to go, dey let out some ob de funny est Gooses I ebber seed — dey was histed on legs dat wood make a Broadway dandy break his heart wid envy, during de rage ob tight pants. Dey steped JULEOUS' IDIA OP THE HIPPODROME. 213 out as graceful as an old cogger wid de gout on all his toes and de rumatlcks in he 'nees. Dey was sieb high-falutin fellers dat I ax a man dat come out ob de gate, what dey was named, and he told me Oyster horses. I speck de rea- sion dat dey call dem dat, am bekase dey use dem to tred in high water to sound de bottom for Oysters. I cant tink ob enny udder reason. Seeih dat de man was so comunicatif, I ax him if de ole he big Hippodrome was in dar now. He sed yes, and dat ebbery time de ferry bell ring he started on ajace wid some kind ob. animale, edder de Elemfinti de Camel, de Charriots, or some odder critter. I ax him what dey fed him on, and he sed, Silver dollar bills, half dollars, and quarter dollars, and dey feed him twice a day ; in de arternoon and in de ebenin. Dats all I hab found out 'bout de Hippodrome as yet. If I find out enny more I'Jl let you noe. I'm bound to see him, if I hab to whitewash my face and hands and play wite man, to git in. Dem summer clofe what I specked lass week didn't come yet,' but I spose you tink dese I got bein full ob holes, am cool nuff, kase dey am open worked. I shall speck new thin clofes notwithstandin ncbber de less. Will Brudder Dove Plimkins please pass de useal sasser round, and be kerefull to give back no change. De brudder dat put de tin sixpence in lass week, will find it a waitin to be redeemd by a good one on de corner ob my nostrum. 12* 274 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXXIV. summer morning musings. Bruddeeen Milk-warm spring, wid al! its stragglin buds and newly leabed trees, hab gone on its journey round the world to coax open de icy jaws ob old wite bearded winter in odder parts, and Miss June, wid big blue eyes and flower clustered bed, hab cum along as smiling as a young school- boy wid free bright cents, on de way to de kake shop. Moss ob de trees dat blush in red and scarlet at de depar- ture ob May, hab thrown off dere gay and blushin blossonis, and seem to hab set to work in still arnist to see what dey can do fur us poor dependant mortals by harbest time. De peach, de plumb, de squince, and de apple trees, are all run- nin a race dis yeer to see who will produce de^moss fruit, and it am hard to tell yet, which will beat. De cherries hab got ahead ob demseffs, in tryin to cotch up to de strawber- ries, and de currants and gooseberries am full tilt after dem too. De Roses am almost gone — dey seem to hab expend- ed all their strenf in tryin to perfume de air ; dey hab becura so week dat dey drop as soon as you 'tempt to gedder dem off de bush like a lub-sick maiden in her lubber's arms. De violets coodent stand de warm embraces ob de June sun, and dey shrunk from it like a torn cat frum a pot ob mustard. De enamoured kisses ob de warm sun hab cracked de red and wite cheeks ob de peonys and dey look as lubly as a SUMMER aORNlN'G MUSINGS. 275 bride at de altar, and by dere side stands de Jonny-jumper in velvet caps, tryin to sweH up as big as de peony, which makes de butter-cups laugh at its presumpshun — and de clober hab to hang its red hed in shame. Bf I was a clober top, in a geld ob roseys, I'd neber hang my hed, kase I'd feel dat I wus as useful and as good as my neighbors, ef not as brilliant. It am not always de moss beauful dat am de moss useful. It am good to feel humble, and to be humble sometimes, as de jackass sed when he undertook a race wid a stage hoss. Now, my frens, I speck you am all cogitatin in your own mind, and wonderin, like Balam's ass, when he saw de angel, how I cood hab found out all de tings I hab bin a spokin to yon about. Derefore, to sabe your fretted gizzards, I will tell you — I seed it all myseff. De odder mornin I got up wid old day-lite, and by de time de morning sun had wash- ed de faces ob de clouds and took off dere nite caps, so dey showed dere golden heds, I wus in de kountry, away frum de dust, week coffee, and cod-fish kakes, ob de mornin in toun, ^d dere, all alone wid only myseff and human natur to converse wid, I kept up an argement on de beauties . ob dis world and de next, and when I looked around and see how much human natur hab done for dis world to make it lubly, and to see what a bountious supply ob all de neces- saries and luxuries ob life he sends to us all — to the wicked and de good, it makes me mad wid mankind to see dere stnbborD ungratefulness, and I feel dat ef I wus human nature^ I'd lather sum ob you like thunder sumtimes. De chaps dat kan eat de delicious strawberry, and tink only ob how much dey am worf a basket, or kan cronca doun de healf-gibin and luscious peach, wid no odder tort den dar price by de haff peck, am not fit to hab sich tings. I'd like to lib in de kountry. I tink it am de only exis- 216 BLACK DIAMONDS. tence God eber intended fur man, or' else he woodent hab made it so lubly. Dis congregashun was gwane to buy me a place to lib in, and let me hab a parsnips like all de odder great professors ob de day, but whar am it I should like to know ? Ef I was to be blessed wid a home in dis world, its doors shood neber be closfed aginst de distressed in eder mind or body. I shood be hostile to a fault. Whateber Probidence sent me shood be shared wid de sufferin, arter I got 'naff ob corse. Ah I I wood be happy den. I'd hab my house surrounded wid a Terapin garden, and de flowers dat grow on de armor ob my pazaro, shood be irretated by de water ob de Croton anacdote — dere I'd hab a pentatench openin in my library, which shood be filled wid sich works as, Polk's Essences ob Man, Greeley's Theological works oa erective franchise, and de use ob stamana on de milage quesshun — Lord Buy-rum's Poems, de Last ob Old Hig- gins, de Pinter, Ledder Breeches, de Last Days ob Pompy I, Ducklegs, and odders ob Cedar Cooper's works — Lord- Bacon on de use ob Salt Pork — De mussings ob Gen. Scott ober a barrel ob wite beans, and odder standin books. I shall hab degraded walks atwene a ravanue ob trees for lemonadein purposes. I hab a perfeck manamonia fur these tings. And den my table — I'd hab de bess cooks in de market, one dat cood make turtle-soup out ob Cow-bay clams, dat wood sute de paliate ob de moss unvenerable epicacs in de toun, who shood dine wid me ebery day. I'd hab buckskin handled knives and forks, and my hou^ shood be de resort ob all de epicacs and conosaws in de country. I'd hab an open jeruce ef I'd only a jackass to draw it, and ■ I'd hab odder comforts and luxuries as long as de kongre- gashun will pay for it. But dis am all burning fluid. I nebber 'speck to hab enyting ob de kind, but on de odder hand quite the reworse. SUMMER MORNING M0SINGS. ' 211 r spec to labor here till I die, and den be berried by de Corporasliun — but it will not be de fast time de Common Scoundrells got up a blackberrian. As dere am only haff a quire here dis ebenin, you may sing de following to de tune ob Old Hunter, and you muss all go in to swell it, as de old woman sed when she put de soaked dried apples in de pie-crust — Our old Tom cat Hab got so fat, She can't cotch any mice, Our fine toof-comb, Hab gone frum home. We're ober run wid fureigners ^ Brndder Profile Jarvis will pleese pass 'round de sasser, and look out fur counterfit gold dollars. Sum nigger tort he done sumfin lass week when he yaller-washed a free cent piece, and pertended he put in a gold dollar. 278 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXXV. Audacious Scoepians — I WISH to hab a wurd to say to you 'bout a mity bad habit dat am bery prebelent 'mong de wite folks, and I'ze radder afeerd dat sum ob de colored pepil hab kotched it frum dem by bein ia close contack wid dem. De habit 1 'lude to am de practice ob Sum folks am born liars, odders pick it up in dere youth, like a hungry chicken does corn — odders agin lie in de way ob bizriess, when ennyting am to be made by it^odders lie to try to make dem 'pear big in de eyes ob men, aad odders lie bekase dey kan't help it. Dere am scbril kinds ob lieS — de wite lies used by clergymen, earthly saints, and ladies — black lies, round lies — and den dere's a kind wat Shake- speare calls damned lies. Sum folks tink dat de rounder dey kan lie de smarter dey am, but dey'U git smartered wors den mustard plaster on a weak back, when old belzebub gits dem. Amature fishermen and gunners, indulge in de second class ob lies bery much. I neber node one yet dat dident cotch " de biggest fish you eber saw in yourlife, and more ob dem," in haff a day — and whoeber herd ob an amature sportsman dat dident kill from fibe to fifty on de wing at one shot ? I neber did. A man afflicted wid constitushnnal liein wood as lief take LYINQ. 219 epicure 'nuff to make dem trow up a good dinner, as speek de truff. ^ Dares noffin dat hurts dere feelins so much, and ef de truff slips out by axedent on enyting, dey am misera- ble all day. De darkeys hab a great fashun ob liein 'bout porgies and eels — ef you meet one haff a block frum de market, you kan't tell no more what dey gub for dere fish, frum de sto- ries dey tell, den a foolosefer kan tell which way de grain ob a brick-bat runs wid his eyes shut. Dem darkeys dat wish to 'pear rich, always pay ail orful price, while dem fel- lers wliat want to git up a reputashun for bein cute and smart, always git them fur 'bout nofBn. I noe dat de wite populashnn teach de kolored pepil to lie and steel, and dey get putty good pupils mind I tell you. I will gis narronate what I oberheard atwene two colored men todder mornin in Broadway, to show you how near de darkeys hab got to liein. I wus saunterin along, tryin to make out what kind ob sole ledder de beef-steak was made ob, dat I had fur break- fast, when I spied a dandy darkey all dressed up like a tailor-shop window. He had on dem new kind ob trowsers wid railroads a runnin all ober dem — and sich a no-tailed coat and rufBe shirt, wite kids and as hansome a pair ob moustachers as eber a buck goat cood boast ob. I wus a takin his mesure in my hed, and seein him strut, like a tur- key wid de rumatism, when I seed a common lookin darkey in a check shirt and trowsers, look at him, strike an attitude like de actor do when dere brudder cums home in de play, slap his hans togedder, and sing out — " No, it ain't ! kan it be puzable — yes, it am," and he rushes up to de dandy fel- ler, and grabbed his hand. " Why, Simon, am dis you — ^when did you 'ribe ?" sed he, shakin de wite kid all de time. 280 BLACK DIAMONDS. De dandy was 'tonished and told l^im to be qff, dat he dident noe a colored man in de United States — q^nd den he went on to say dat he was frUm England, and had cum ober wid his wite wife to see de Crystal Palace show, and had only bin here free days. " I nose you bin dareawaitin in a Lord's family," sed de kommon man, " but I node you afore you went to London. You went as cook 'bord de ' Sally Ann' — my name am Sara Hossneck, yours wus Simon Clumson afore you went away — what's your name now ?" "Well, I see you noe me," returned de odder. "How you bin, Sam ? Dey call me at home Lord Fondling, arter de family I lib wid." " Well," sed de check shirt, " how does you like de koun- try, now yon got back ?" " Oh, I don't like it at all. Dere ain't npfin heah like we hab at home — nofin on so big, nor on so grand a scale." " Hab you seen what four thunderin big round harts you kan git now for a cent — what a quart ob clam-soup fur six- pence, and what smackin big glasses ob I scream fur free cents, enywhere 'bout de 'treets. Nofin on a grand scale, eh ? Well, I like dat, putty much," interrupted Sam. " Yes, ebery ting heah am cheap and nasty— nofin as de- fined. You all need polish. You ain't got no parks, nor no statuary worf menshuning, and den your sogers, I seed dem 4th ob July, and seed dere little foo-foo cannons. Oh, Sam, ef you want to see sogerin, you muss cum to London. Dey ain't got a cannon as little as de Yankees, in de hole free kingdoms." " How big am London ?" axed Sam. " 'Bout four hundred times bigger dan New York. And Sam, dey got a kannon dere dat Daddy Lambert cood crawl in, and turn round and cum out agin." LYING. > 281 " Dat's a potty big gua," sed Sam, " but yoa ain't got no clams dar, nor no watermillions, no mushmillions, no oys- ters fit to feed pigs on, no hot-corn, nor none ob de odder luxuries, and besides, dere am a big- gun at de Battery now twice as big as yours." — Sam's patriotism wus risin. " How big is de kannon on de Battery ?" axed de Dandy. " Well, it is so mity big, dat it takes a yoke ob oxen to draw de ball in," sed Sam gis as ef he wus tellin de truff-— but his friend seemed to dout it, and tinking to kotch Sam on de hip, asked him^ " Ef it takes a yoke ob oxen to draw de ball in, how does de oxen git out ob de gun agin, eh, Sam ?" " Oh, you want to noe how dey git out?" axed Sam, a little puzzled. " Well, I'll tell you — dey go out at de touch Me." " Well, Sam I gub in — cum and see me at No. — Eliza- beth street," and so they seperated. Now which wus de biggest lier ? I'll tell you — ^boff. My frens, it may be konsidered smart to lie, but I won't hab none ob it round me. De fus brudder or sister dat I kotch at it, I'll fine dem two shillias to pay for my ^backer bill at de seller, and I'll bet dat bill will be paidin less den tree days. Brudder Truffnl Danty will nlease take wo de kolleckshun in de old sasser dis ebenin. 282 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXXVI. LABOK IN VAIN. Belubed Flock — You am de sheeps and I am de sheperd, derefore dats settled. Bery well, ef so be dat I am de shep- erd, wats de reson you poor poluted sinners, dat you won't do as I tell you ? When I tell you to be good and charitable, and pint out de paff you muss all take, if you ever 'speck to be happy, you turn your ugly mugs up in my face, and tell me dat I arn't as good as I ort to be myseff, as if dat had ennyting to do wid you. Tou don't pay me fur actin good all de week. Provedence pays me fur dat. Tou pay me fur 'lighten your understaudins, and holdin up de lite ob siance and human knowledge, and pintin out de paff and de way to happiness. Wat difference does it make to you, you ungrateful scamps, who holds de lite, so long as you am able to see de rite paff. But fur all I keep my arms stretched out, a showin you de rode till I is wearied aud almost reddy to gub up de job, still none ob you will make de fust foot-print on de rode, but stop at de bery commencement, and won't open de gate till dey see what kind a feller it am dat hold up de lite, so you may find it easy. Dere am but de one rode. De Medodiffs will tell you its de dark narrow and crooked rode. De Prespeteri- ans will tell you. its de same — so will de Episcopaleons, de Baptists, de Dutch Reformed, and all de rest ob dem. Dere am no odder rode, but not one ob you will budge an inch. Dey all agree on de one rode, but dey aiirt sassagefied wid LABOR IN TAIN. 283 de way de different denominations hold up ne lite. De Med- odiffs ain't got confidence in de lite ob de Prespeterean, and de Prespeterean ain't got no confidence in de lite ob de rest, de rest ain't got no confidence in de odders, and so dey am at loger beds all de time, all 'round. Now I tell you once fur all, you muss do as I tell yqu. Do as I say, not as I do, or I'll beat goodness into you wid a birch saplin. I wus axed de odder day while standin on de " seller door," why I was not more piously inclined, and why I dident talk piety into you fellers. Well, de hint ■wus new, but I node I mout as well talk piety to you as to try to persuade a hog to turn from he swill. And I raly belebe dat a hungry hog wood turn as quick frum a well filled troff as a hardened sinner wood turn frum bis sins, or an old toper from his rum. Howsum- deber, I 'eluded to try it, so I called 'pon old Anty Bensin, on de way home, and when got seated, wid de usual flour- ishes, I axed her dis — " Anty," says I, " does you eber feel piously inclined ?" "Eh,!" sedshe. I repeted de quesshun. " Oh, yes," sed she, " speshely in time ob cherry pie — dems my favorite pies." I tryed to 'splaiu de difference to her, but it was no use. I mout as well hab tryed to blowed de Latting Obseryatory ober wid a pair ob bellowses. And what more do you noe 'bout it den Anty Bensin ? Why not a bit. You cum here, and you go to cTiurch, and all de while you am settin a stud- ian ebbery ting else but religion. Ef dere am a new ribel at your hotel, den you waiters study how to git money out ob him. Am dere a fresh lode ob clams cum to de dock, den you clam merchants am studyin how you kan cheat de 284 BLACK DIAMONDS. oner out ob sixpence on de bushel. De wite trash am gis like you, day go to church more to show dere fine close, and to study how dey kan make a big lick in de way ob trade fra de week, den to la'rn piety. But den, such am human natur, and it neber will be altered .till Victora gits anudder baby, or old Cowshute comes agin. Will Brudder Lee I. Cole pass de usual sasser round dis ebenin ? Take nofin but city money, pennies and all. LECTURE LXXXVII. flYPOCRACY REBUKED. Prodigious Prosalites — In my epic lass week, I luded to de fac dat moss ob you cum here more fur de purpose ob showin off your good close den ob hearin de wurd ob your old and loiig suspected shepherd. In makin dem delushuns, I dident go fur to tread on nobody's corns in particular, but I ment it as a gineral ting to ply to eberybody, and to nobody, like sum sarmons I hab herd frum de pulpit. Derefore, I kan't see, fur de life ob me, how Long Cndjo cood take defence at my remarks, and ax me how I wanted folks to set at my lec- tures, and how I wanted them to dress, &c., which he did lass lectur nite, on my way home to my wartns bed. He dident say it in a humble way, as ef he wished to noe, but he sed it in a sourcastic manner, as ef what I had sed in de rostrum had cut his corns to de quick, and laid heavy on he constitushun, or stomjack, I don't noe which. Dere may be odders here like Cudjo, who felt a radder dose shabe, and HYPOCRISY REBUKED. 285 derefore I will tell you what I want, and what I don't want. In de fnss place, I don't want no hipocrits 'mong you, no how. What's dat Sister Filander Meeker axes ! " Am hipocrits ennyting to do wid de Hippodrome ?" Ob corse not; Sister, I blush as much as I can at your ignumrance. You muss hab been edicated afore de free skools war in existence, like myseff. I will 'splain. Hipockracy and nig- garism am de one and de same ting. Its deceit, cut up into two words fur de use ob spelin books. I don't want you to cum here wid a face on you as long as a tar barrel, wid your eyes cast doun lika a feller in debt fur his bord — and when you cum in, I don't want you take your seats as ef you whar a hen a gwine to set on eggs, and den git your hands dufftailed in one anudder, and set your thumbs agoin, one ober 'de odder, like an agitated water wheel, and den pretend to be too good fur dis world, and seem to be only a waitin to go off to de nex as soon as de angel Ga- brell am reddy fur you. Dats de way sum ob you black scorpians try to humbug me into de belief dat you hab 'proached sainthood. I hate all dis! When you cum here I want you cum in clean close. I don't car how poor your close am, as long as dey am clean. Dere am an excuse fur poverty, but none fur dirt. Blessed be de Croton ! And when you cum, bring wid you a smilin face, and as much small change as is conwenient. Cum in as ef you war glad to git whar de wurds ob truff am spoken, and not sneeke in as ef you war doin penence fur sum great sin kommitted. Set doun in your seats as ef you had a rite to dem. Open your ears and mouff, and swaller all you hear. Den you will go away full ob nolege, lighter ob heart, and pocket, ef you ain't too stingy to chip nofin in de time honored sassar. Sum pepil tink dat as long as dey go to church twice on a Sunday, and twice a Sunday nite, dat dey am on 286 BIxACK DIAMONDS. de sure rode to heben, no matter wedder dey hear or follow de prescrlpshuns laid doun by de minister or no ; but dats all rong — when you go to church, swallow all you hear till you am full ob ortherdockcy. Sumtflnes I see it am dry- docksy, but what ob dat ? you pay your money, and you hab de rite to get all you can fur it. Fifthly— Ef you don't lam now you neber will. Ninthly — While on dis subjick, I will say a few tings dat I wood like to be henceforward herearter obsarbed in dis kongregashua. Fustly, den — I wood like in future futurity dat Miss Clementina Lacilia Lumpy and her bow, Mister Romelus Bolona Erington wood do dere courtin at home. It sets a, mity bad 'zample 'pen de 'fecshuns ob de young — and eben me, as old as I am, feel de 'fluence ob de 'zample in de moss flutanorous manner. Besides, wid de gebomater as high as it am in dis room, I shood tink dey mite stop a slunkin up to each odder like a litter ob pigs on a frosty mornin. I tink sich conduck am oderiferous iji the 'xtreme in a public ass-emblage. Anudder ting — I tink dat nussin babys had better be luft at home. 1 don't like to lectur to suckers. Aldo ,1 go toof and nail agin de use ob de bottle — still, in dis case, I uphold its use at home, and so ort ebery odder mudder in de land — but don't put no paddygodic, nor essence ob peppermint, nor warm gin in it. Wid dese reflecshuus, 1 " dry up " dis ebenin. De darkey dat laffed out during my lass lectur, was fined a shillin, and I laid it all out in 'bacco. Will Brudder Duturoaemy Butts pass 'round de sasser, and mark dem fellers dat. cum de tree cent piece dodge. PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAT. 287 NO LECTURE THIS WEEK. PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAT. His congregation in great trouble and confusion — a large re- ward offered for his recovery — supposed kidnapping case — READ! READ!! READ!!! Last night, as usual, we went to hear the scientific teaching of the learned and distinguished Professor Han- nibal, and give our readers a full and authentic report, as we have done fpr the last three years, of all that was said 'and done on each " 'portant 'caishun." When we arrived, the hall was full in every seat, and it was then time for the arrival of the Professor. There stood the glass of fresh water on the desk; the lamps and candles all burned with unusual brilliancy, but all was still as a country church- yard. Time flew on, but no Professor came. The hand- organ struck up a lively tune, accompanied by every foot in the crowd, and still no Hannibal came. Nine o'clock struck, and then the congregation became alarmed. Where can he be ? ran from lip to lip, with the rapidity of lightning, and black looks were interchanged as one suspected the other of knowing all about the matter. Presently, " Brother Erastus Arlington James Madison Cowsnont," ascended the desk, and thus addressed the listeners — Bruddern and Sisters — It am a clar case, I is afraid, dat our belubed shep- herd hab strayed frnm he flock. He am clard out, gone 288 BLACK DIAMONDS.. 'way, absquatulated mizzled, or bin stolen.- Twenty minutes arter it was time fur him to be here at he post, I went, me myseflf, to Anty Clawson's, whar y9u all know he bords, to see ef he wasent sick or sumfin, and dar I larned de sad tidins dat he dressed heseff up dis mornin, and went out, and hadent heen seen sence. He has, so Anty sez, bin laborin under an abreviashun ob mind lately, and only yis- terday he bought .a shanghie rooster, as a pet, and wanted to get a monkey to see ef.he coodont larn it sciauce. Dere am no noein whar he am gone to, or wedder he went ob his own accord, or wedder he wus inticed away by some under- ground rale-rode feller, and karried off to sum odder kountry. Fellow citizens. Professor Hannibal am de lass man dat we kan 'ford to lose frum de ranks ob siance, and I nose he lubed his flock too well to go off frum dem ob he own free • will. He cood a done dat long ago, fur I herd old Ben Longlip tell him myseff dat ef he'd cum to Long Hand, folks dar wood bild him a log hut all to heseff, and gib him more wages den he gits.heah — and besides dat, he promised dat, he shood hab a hoss and cart, so he cood peddle clams all de week, and make a little sumfin dat way, but he defused it all, and sed he wus done buildin castles in de air. Sumfin ort to be done to recober him, or git dameges frum sumbody. Here a fat darkey arose, and begged the privilege of speaking. It was granted. He mounted the desk and said — Hanabelonians — I tink dis meetin ort to take sum axion on dis bereave- ment, and offer a reward fur his discovery. I hab drawed up a few revolushuns, which ort to be published in de noose- PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAY. 289 papers. I will read dem. I neber had much edificashnn, derefore you musent 'spect much^ 1st — Resolbed, dat Professor Hannibal hab clard out. 2nd — Resolbed, dat dis kongregashun feels mity bad 'bout it. 3(i — ^Resolbed, dat dis kongregashun will pay to anybody who will bring him back alive, fibe dollars all at one time. 4th — Resolbed, dat as he had got a rooster only de day afore he luft, frum sum onnone pussin, it am feared dat sum kind ob foul play hab bin agoin on. Derefore, two dollars will be paid ef he am not alive. §th — Resolbed, dat a kommittee ob twenty be 'pinted to search 'bout de markets and in all odder places whar he am likely to gO; Also, round de Cristile Palace and sich places whar a thirst fur nolege am likely to take him. 6th — Resolbed, dat we tonsole wid one anudder till we hear frum him in pussin, and dat we go in black till he ribes. DISCRIPnON. Professor Hannibal is about fifty years ob old, fibe foot ten inches high, full bosomed across de brest. His har am wite, and he nose radder flat — ^large ginerous mouff, in which will be found a cud ob tobacker. He had on when he went away, a kane wid an ivory top, a pair ob green specks, a rufled shirt wid a stud in he bosum, a wite west, gray trousers, and a black cote, wid de buttons in de usual place. He stoops a little when he holds he head doun, and is bery fond ob takin to heseff and little children as he walks 'long — and aldo he neber 'specks to be President ob de tTnited States, he has ginerally his. pockets full ob kandies, 13 290 BLACK DIAMONDS. which he gubs away to de little deahs, whareber he sees dem. Whoeber will return de said Professor to Anty Clawson's seller, shall receibe de above reward. Signed by de Kommittee. Theophadis Gough Lutts. George Washington, B. R. S. Lafayette Limpoff Wallace Pepers. Thomas Jefferson Mark Anthony Napoleon Banks. Jim CnDjo. Dave Ramsbottom. Sam Padlock. Uriah Knothed, and sebrel odders. 1th — Resolbed, dat de koUeckshun dis ebenin go fur to 'fray de 'xpenses pb putting dese rebolushuns in de Picayune. ADVENTORB AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. 291 LECTURE LXXXVIII. ADVENTURE AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. (The Profe&SQT Goughed.) My Deah Frens : I IS as happy as a jackass ober a tub ob oats to find you all heah again, and me in de middle ob de midst ob you all. I is sorry dat such circumstances perwented me from lecturin lass week, and I is also likewise glad to find dat you tort so much ob your poor old shepard as to offer file dol- lars for his discoTery when you tort I had met wid some ob dem Spirit-mediums, and had been spirited away. I is mity sorry dat I fooled de congregation by not bein able to 'pear afore dem on dat August — no, it was iiot an August, it was a July accusion ; and I know dat a 'pology am 'spected frum me, derefore I will splain d6 reason dat I was absent, and to sum up de hole truff ob de matter, I tell you .plain as possible. I hab been Gougbed in de most drefful manner. I'll tell you. all 'bout it, den you will be as wise as me on dat-subjec. On de mornin in quesshun, I dress myseff in all I had, determined to see de Cristile Palace, and so I set out for purpose. On my arribal at de door, de man dar, wid a star on de cote, was not a gwane to luff me in. I told him, it was necessary for de good ob de community dat I should see de show, to tell my congregation "bout it ; den he ask me who I was, and when I told him my name, de door was at once opened, de sogerin police opened on both sides ob de gang 292 BLACK DIAMONDS, plank, an in I walked as proud as de hen at de head ob her brood ob one chicken. When I got in dar, I was aston- ished and putrefied at de sights I seed. On one side was a row ob Wenis ob Medicens, and on de odder, a row ob Apollo Belwedero in a state ob nakedness dat I tink shood be acted on by de Moral Deformed Society. Fig lebes must hab bin mity scarce in de country whar dese tings war made. It struck me as bein curious dat no colored woman, man or child was in de exhibition, and I don't know de rea- son why, kase I'll turn dem out agin de world on shape. It was quare to me, too, dat de sogerin police wood pass dese naked statues and wink at de immodesty ob de ting, and I'll bet de post office against de Astor house, dat if -dese same sogerin police was to see me or you in de same state ob in- osence in de street, no matter how beautiful a nastytude we might assume, dey wood take us afore old Matsol, and we git tree monffs at hard labor. Dey got a good menny beastly statues dere — deres one whar a great big .nasty snake hab tackted a lion wid his wife and children, and he's makiu sassage meat ob dem at a wonderful rate. Dere am annudder ob a young woman dat was a gwane to market al- most naked on a hoss, to sell eggs, when a big devourin lion, called a Amezon, jumped 'pon he hosse's neck and am in de act ob killin de hoss, while de young wowan am a kil- lin de lion wid a spear she shakes ober his head, derefore de statute desemble Shakspeare. I can't tell you much 'bout what I seed in dere to-nite, Sacrifise it to say,' dat arter seein all I cood, I lefF, and was a comin home to come here and lecture, when I seed a sine dat a krockerdile was to be seen, and as I was still firstm. for nolage, I went in to see it. Wile dar a wite man scrar ped my acquaintance, ^.nd was mity friendly. He sed he had heard ob me so ofBn, dat he wanted me to take a drink wid ADVENTURE AT THE CKYSTAL PALACE. 293 him, and when we left de krockerdile we jonrned to a soger water shop for dat purpose. I told him dat I didn't drink nnffin but soger water, and when it was poured out, he sed I had better take " a stick " in it for my stomjack sake, so I told him to put it in, and he did, and de fust ting.1 node I didn't noe nuffin, andde nex ting I node, I fonnd myself home in bed at Anty Clawson's, wid de doctor on one side and a tin pan on de odder. I took an emetick and it woodn't stay on my stomjack, I was so bad. I am told dat I was fonnd on a sellar door fass asleep, and was carried home widont my hat, which was stolen from my wenerable hed, on a wheelbarref. Xow I noe how prone womankind and mankind am to gossib and slanderize, and I speck de fust ting I heah will be dat i was drunk and dat I went on a spree, but de fust one in dis congregashnn dat sez it, I'll find d«m two dollars and take der cote, till its paid, and den I'll read him or her out ob dis community. It am yet to be shone wedder od- der folks cap't be Goughed as well as John B., derefore I warn yon all not to luff your tongues run 'bout me. I'm determined to scrutinize my character at all hazzards, and I'll stick to myself like warm tar to a darkey's head. I don't feel in good trim to-night ; my hed am as holler ob ideas as a dried bass drum, but nex w*ek, if I hab helf yon may look out for a lecture dat will be remembered. Will brudder Eshmal Jacobs pass round de sasser, and as I got nuffin lass week I spect a fuss rate kolleckshun dis time. 294 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE LXXXIX. ON SHAKSPEAEE. Lambitous Satilites — As I hab cliowsin to become pussonal in my lectnrs ob late to you, and as I see by de contents ob de sasser, da only rule I hab ob judgin in such matters, dat you like 'em radder muchly, I shall continue to 'lucidate 'pen folks in par- tickelyer, raddar den tings in general. De gemman whose karracter I shall lug up dis ebenin, wus once berry popelar, and rote a good menny plays and tings, and sed-some ob de bess tezts in de catalog. I 'tend to dewide wid you de nolege I hab ob DE pos'le shakespeke, a gemman dat, gis as like as not, you hab herd spoken ob afore. Mr. Shakespere wus a hostler by trade, but gub it up in he youf to foller de actors. He was a fuss-ra>te school-boy, and always wore an imperial and tite buttoned jacket. His life wus one long contest fur bread and butter, gis de same as your humbly serbent's, me, myseff. He was born at "Strat- ford 'pon an oven,'' so I heard a man once say, and dat 'counts for his habin sich a hard time o^ it fru life. It am sed dat he wus born ob poor hut honest parents, as if all poor parents wus not honest. Howeber, dats got nofifin to do wid me. I sumtimes tink Massa Shakespere wus a cuUerd man, kase in one ob he books he says to heseflf, " Happy fur me ON SHAESPEARE. 295. I am black" — and again he says samfin looks as black to him as he own face. I don't sert it, howeber, as a fack, to be laid doan fur futur proceeding. * Shakespere went fru a great deal. He has been oftener murdered and susansided den enny odder man libin. He was fust killed in de battle ob Bozesfields, when he wus a humped backed tirent, and offered a whole kingdom fur a hoss. Horses war scarce den and no mistake. De nex time he died, he run heseff fru de body wid he own sword in do tent, wid Mark Antony, or sum ob dem fellers. Den he cum to life agin and married a berry nice young woman, a darter ob an old codger in de toun ob Wenis, nie de moun- tain dat am all de time sick at its stomjack, and constant- ly throwin' up. Well, he got jellis ob he wife wid one Mike Cashio, a buck ob de times, and arter kickin up a fuss ginerly, and murder- in Mrs. OtheUo in her bed, he killed heseff, gis as he took a sar- cumcised dog by de tale,, and smoked nim dus wid a cheese nife, but it didn't make a dif a bitterance to him how m'enny times he'm killed — ^not it. He was quainted wid a lot ob witches dat lib in de mountains ob Scotland, and I speck dey used to fotch him to life gis as ofin as dey pleesed. Well, ar- ter he kicked up sich a muss in Wenis, he went to Skotland, and turned soger n^an, and jined a Scotch company wid de bagpipes fur a Jband. Well, here he done up sebril fitins, and married a tarter by de name ob Mrs. Macbeff, which made dem call him Macbeff. She took it into her head to be a Queen, and made her husband kill off old Dunkin, who cum to Mrs. MacbefPs login house. Here poor Shakespere was in anudder muss, and notwidstandin de witches sed he coofln't ba killed agin by nobody born ob a woman, and as all men are born ob womins in general, Mr. Shakespere Mac- beff tort he'd hab a good time a libin out he days; but a 296 BLACK DIAMONDS. young feller oamed Mike Duff fixed his bizness for him, and he.wus killed agin. Den he weut in black fur heseff dat time, and wetit ober to anudder country, and passed himseff off on a young lady (named Ollfeelyer) as Gimblet, de PrincS ob Dunkirk. Here de witches sent de ghost ob old Shakes- pere, de fadder ob de Pos'le Sam, who 'peared to him in de nite time in steel soger cloze, and when he seen he son, he trowed he beaver hat up fur joy. Dis suckumstance set de young man crazy, and he killed old Pompylonius, he fadder- in-law dat wus to be. Dis upset de hed-geer ob de young woman, and she went crazy too, and drowned herseff in de canal. Her big brudder, Mr. Lea-rtus, or Lazarus ^I can't remember names bery well wid dis cold I got in my hed,) and he had a regler fite, and stuck he gizzard wid a pison sword. Den he died agin — and one would suppose he'd seen 'nuff ob dis world ob bubbles. But no 1 de nex ting you find liim as " King Lear," an old reprobate, full ob bligard talk and foolosofy. He, howeber, by. dis time, hab got putty old and moss worn out. His children all cut frum him, septin one, and she humbugd him too a little — but al- together, dey set him crazy agin, and he goes out in de woods in de equinoxtail storm, and dies agin. In readin his history, I was in hopes dat dis wus an end ob him, but it was not so. He agin revisits de arf wid a seemin detarminashun to see a little fun, as he had done bloody deeds 'nuff. So de witches fatten him up, and name him, dis time, Falstaff, and de fuss ting he did wus to go arter de wimin. He went doun to a little place called " Winsor," and mixed in wid some 'odder men's wives, who dunfjjed him into de riber out ob a cloze basket. Dis gub him a cold in he institushun, and he cotched de edderwednes- day in histroat. When he cum out ob dat he jined Prince Hall's army, and was cut to pieces at de battle ob Bunker's ON SHAKSPEAEE. 297 Hill, in de year 1916, since which time it is sposed he hab bin sassagefied to lay still in he grabe. Dere hab bin a good men- ny fellers since his time who hab tried to palm demseff off fur de veritable Shakespere, but dere efforts hab neber suc- ceeded. His mantel wus too big intirely fur enny ob dese latter gineration fellers to ware. It obercum dem too much, and I tell you, my frens, notwithstandin what 'straordinavy talents may be claimed by parents fur ■ der children, dere neber was but cme Shakespere dat eber lived, and I don't belebe he'll condescend to lib agin, no how. Dere now, you noe all 'bout de Pos'le*Samuel Shakespere. I found out what I hab told you by hard study only. I had to read Shakespere moss all fru to get de tred ob he histo- ry, which I unravel to you. No applause if you please, de nabors complain ob it. . Will Brudder Cornelus Maffews pleese pass 'round de time honored sasser. IS-* 298 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XO. polivicians. Blubbed Bruddbes : It am not my plan at present to 'scuss de warious kinds of politicians in 'ticular, but only in gineril. I'se not gwine to examine dere shells — wedder dey be hard or soft — I leaves dat to Anty Clawson, whose bizness it am to noe all 'bout shellfish, and derefore may be said to be fishally con- nected wid de subjic. What I want to interdufte to 'lighten your dark nnder- standins, am de polly-tishuns in de lump. I don't mean dat I want to interduce dem to you pusonally ; no 'mount ob bad pennies in de sasser would make me do dat. An' you may be glad 'nuff dat you're black in de face — ^for dat's all dat perwentsyon from fallin' inter de bans ob dese fellers. An' I want you to take kere an' not let me ketch you practisin' speeches by yoursefs, to 'stonish your mates an' make beliere j^ou'se bad as de wits man. It's only a wite man kin do politicks, an' I hopes dey will allers keep up de 'stinction 'tween dem an' de 'stinguished scions ob Africa. A polly-tishun has no opinions ob his own ; be am like a straw ; hold him up, an' he'll pint wich ebber way de wind ob poplar 'pinion blows him. Ef a platform breaks down, it don't hurt him, for he am like a cat dat allers lites on its feet ; an' he runs rite up on anudder wun, an' hoorays as ef he allers belong dar. 'Tween 'lecshun times he is quiet 'nuff, like an ole coon asleep in de top ob a holler tree, libin' POLITICIANS. 299 on his fat ; but wen 'lecshun kums, he gits lively like frogs in spring. Den he gits a bank note changed into sixpences, puvpus to spend for treats wid ebbery body. He wares an ole hat, to look like a wnrkin' man, an' he puts patches on his nees. He makes his arms sore, shakin' hands wid ebbery body, an' 'tends to be 'tickler anxious 'bout de helf ob your wife and children. He is as sly as a possum ; see him wid a 'ligious man, an' he'll look an' talk like a minister in a camp meetin' ; meet him haf an 'our after talkin' to sum wild feller, an' you'll hear wurds dat, ef dey aint swearin', soun' wery much like cussin'. His nateral home am de top ob a stump, an' he keeps to it so long sumtimes, dat he looks as ef he growd dar — an no dout it wood be a good ting ef he did. But he hates to git off it,- kase when he cums doun, he's no bigger den odder pepil, an' not a bit better nedher. On it he gits as noisy as a wind-mill, and he's driv by de same power^— wind. Wen he tanks an' rites he allers picks de longest words out ob de dickshunary, to kiver up his idees like wid a blanket ; an' it 'peers as dough he was at panes to tuck de words in, under an' all 'round his thoughts, so dat no wun can see 'em, ef he's got enny, wich menny pepil dout — an' wid good reason. Or if ever he let's any idee 'pear, it's allers in sich a dress dat it may be 'splained to mean jist the contrary ting. 'Bout religion he never sez much, 'ceptin' dat Inen should be liberal in dere 'pinions, which he is hessef, for he goes to ebbery church in his naborhood regular, and belebes in 'em all alike. Wen lecshun's ober, he grows smarter in his 'pearance, don't ware ole hats enny more, an' puts on hole trowserloons. He berry offen gits uncommon short-sited after dis ewent, an' can't see de frens dat wns most useful in gittin' him office. To be sure, dey deserve it, for 'sociatin wid poUy- 300 BLACK DIAMONDS. tishuns, an' I don't pity 'em ef dey is forgot. Sumtimes he can't eben 'member de promises he made 'fore 'lecshun, an' ef he do, why " circumstances makes it impossible to kum- ply." De polly-tishun am aslipry as de cat, as kunnin' as de fox, as sly as de possum, an' as wexious as de skunk. Ef enny ob dis kongregashun tries to be a polly-tishun, I'll fotch him up 'fore de hole kongregashun, and 'blige him to 'fess de error ob his ways. Will Brudder Squash please to citculate de sasser ? LECTURE XCI. WOMAN. Sheeps ob --my Pastore — Hebe I is agin! feelin dis time 'bout as strong as a pipe stem in a gale ob wind, but no matter how strong or week I is, I is here to do- my duty, as Capt. Creighton sed to de poor fellers 'bord- de. San Francisco. I is almoss ashamed to^ kommence lecturin dis ebenin, fur I hab got sich a skitish snbjeck to handel dis time, and (bein single mysef), noein so little 'bout dem, dat I is afeered I shall put my foot squar into it, afore I is fru. Neber-de-less, as I hab receibed an inquest from sum ole batchelor, as I 'speck, to lecture on de fair sex, I will say sumfin to yon consarnin de FEMALE WOMAN. In handlin dis subjick, I got to be mity nice and WOMAN. 301 carfn], or else I is sure to hab de hole race ob kalico donn on me like a bat full ob sweet potaters — kase ef dar am enny animile dat hates to be told de truf more den anudder, it am dis same female woman — and de reson fur dat am omnibus 'nuf, frum de fack dat dey am so flattered and lied to by de hemale race, dat dey kau't bare to hear de truf no more den a slidin pond will bare a bullefent. De almanack sez — and who nose more den de almanack ? (sept an Alderman, maybe) dat in de time ob creashun, de woman was made lass. I kan see de wisdom ob natur in dis, kase ef she had bin made fuss, she'd a kicked up such a muss wid de rest ob de kritters, dat tings woodent a went as smooff as dey did. Arter all de odder beasts was done, and dere skins dried, den man wus made to rule ober dem, and den woman wus made to rule ober de man, and frum dat day to dis, she has done it to perfection, and fulfilled her mission to de letter. True, dey don't all take de same mefod to rule — sum ledes, him wid a silken string, like the showman leads de bullefent wid a little cord, and odders dribe ^id a rod ob iron. Natnt when he made man, tort he had done sumfin grand, but when he formed all de little fancy bits ob clay, and turnd out a woman in all her lubliness, he seed plainly dat he'd toped de climax ob beauty. When I lean back in my char at twilight, and haff shut my eyes, and corntemplate what woman wus afore de old sarpint tempted her in de Garden ob Eben, I git lost in develtre and go to sleep. It wus a happy tort to make Mr. Adams a wife, fur he'd a found dis a dead, bleak, awful world widout her, notwid- Btandin she got him kicked out ob Paremdice. Eber sence dat old sarpint tempted de woman, she hab had de debil in her to a more or less extent, and what makes it wuss fur us poor he=fellers, am de fack dat dey am all 302 BLACK WAMONDS. made so beauful, dat you kan't no more tell which am de debils and which de angels 'mong dem by gis lookin at 'em, no more den you kan tell a rotten nut till it am cracked. It hab bin sed by able foolosefers, dat a bad woman am de worst ting on arf. I gess dem fellers neber got a rotten persimon in dar mouff wid no water handy. Sum married man say dat de woman am wuss den de debil when dey am a mind to be. Dey say dat she noes too much, dat she noes 'zackly when to make de bed wid thorns or fedders, when cold mutton and cold coughfee am to be sarbed up, and when no dinner at all, am best fur de comfort and happiness ob de husband. One feller ses he can make his wife do gis as sh£s a mind to at enny time. Anudder ses, as long as he kan bring home lots ob cash, and gub his wife plenty ob spendin money, its all rite, but on de koutrary it am quite de reworse. Now I don't pertend to say nuffin 'bout dese tings on my own hook, derefore I isn't 'sponsible, but dey may rail aginst woman as much as dey like, dey kan't set me up aginst dem. I hab always fru life found dem to be de fust in lub, fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance, de fust in de ice-cream saloon, and de fust bess and lass in de sick room. What wood we poor debils do widout dem ? Let us be born as young, as ugly and as helpless as we plese, a woman's arms am open to recebe us. She it am who gubs us our fuss dose ob castor oil, and puts cloze 'pon our helplessly naked hms, and cubbers up our foots and toeses in long flannel petticoats, and it am she who,, as we grow up, fills our dinner basket wid doenuts and apples as we start to skool, and licks us when we tare our trowsers. It am she who in our manhood makes de moon brighter and bigger, and de stars to twinkle in de ferminence wid de splendid glory (for take woman out ob de world, and night would lose de moss ob its beauty). It am sht who robs WOMAN. 308 trouble ob haff its sting, when de trouble ain't 'bout anudder woman.- It am she who teaches us wortue and goodness fru life, proridin she ain't bankrupt in boJBf ob dem hersef. It am she who makes de sweetmeets and homemade kakes. It am she who watches in de sick room, and gubs you de calomal and joUop, and rubug and curren jelly — and it am she who sticks to you in de lass hour ob life, and consoles de troubled spirit as long as it clings to dis mortal body. Who kaa-help lubin women 1 I can't, and I don't car who nose it — wid all her faultshoods, I lub her, and I won't heah no body spoke agin de sex no how. Ef I'd a bin Adam, and Ebe ,d bin sent to me, dare needent a bin no snake tempted :er, fur de debil wood hab bin in me as J)ig as a cowcumber, and I'd a tempted her mysef, and ef enny ob you will go to de Crystal Palace and see Mudder Ebe a standing dere, as Mr. Powers ses she was, I don't tink you kan blame me fur ownin up. While Bnidder Elemuel Ceasar Chaff passes round de sasser, de kongregashnn will pleese sing to de tune ob de aseal duckBholiday, de perspirin words ob de posel Gold- smif — "•When lubly woman stoops to folly, And finds too late dat man betra;^ : She might as well be gay and jolly, As to kick up a fuss about it." 304 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XCII. about the old enemy. Blhbd Bruddren and Sistern : What ik am to de steam bulgine, sciance am to de human intelleck. It keeps it from riistin. Ef it wasn't fur ile de'machinery wood become damp and rusty, and ef it wasent fur sciance, de mechenery ob de tinkin apperatus ob man wood be in de same sitewashun, kase water kannot produce wus kloddings to de axel-trees ob de steamboat, den' ignumrence can do to de axel-trees ob de brane. Dere- fore, I dewise you all to keep your brane pan as dry ob ig- numrence as possible, and make free use ob de ile ob sciance. You can apply it wid de fedder ob useful nolege, and den see how easy it will be to confound de moss brilliant ideas ob de men dat hab passed before you, and dose dat hab passed behind you. Habin settled dis pint, as de hungry boarder sed on swallerin de coughfie, I will draw your 'tenshun (and I suppose dats 'bout all I will draw frum you to-nite), to de. great subjick fur 'siderashun dis ebenin. Sum ob you dat am easily scart, may be frightened when dey cum to see de animal dat I purpose to introcumduce to you. But I don't car. It am necessary dat you shood be 'lighted on all subjicks. I had tackled all kinds ob animals fur your intertainment and nolege, and now you will see what an awful feller I tackled for your sakes dis time. De feller I introcumduce to you on dis 'portant caishun, am an old friend ob yours. De reson I tink you all know him, am bekase I hab herd almost ebery one ob you men- ABOUT THE" OLD ENEMY. 305 shun his name in connecktion wid almost ebery thing you talk 'bout. I may as well tell you, widout keepin you in suspen- ders enny longer, dat I 'tend to lecture dis ebenin on de chap none to eberybody, as DE DEBIL. Don't be scart, my frens, I am not gwane to bring him here in his " proper personage," as we say in Latin. He won't be here no more to-nite, den he always has bin. I hab offen herd folks say dey ment to raise de debil, but dere am no record ob de fack being done, 'cept de record found in de komic almanick, whar dat good old man, Lorpnzo Dow, raised him in de Western country out ob a barrel ob cotton. Wedder dat story am true or not, rests wid the konshence ob de almanick. De debil am an old customer, I tell you. We fust heah ob him in de shape ob a snake in de garden ob Eden (whar, as I told you a week or two ago, he played de debil wid mudder Ebe), and frum dat time to de present, he hab taken up he abode all ober creashun. Sumtimes he am found in de hart ob de miser^sumtimes on de lips ob de clergy, and he makes a perfect randavious ob de loafers mouth, fur he am always in it. He am none by seberel odder names besides his right one. I don't noe ob any one in de whole range ob my 'quaintan- ces, who hab so menny recognized " kuick " names as he. He am called Old Knick, Satan, Belzebub, Old Harry, Old Scratch, Jimmy Squarfoot, Old Horns and Tail, Old Fellow, Old Brimstone, and fifty oder names too well known to men- shun. ' Dere am no use for me to 'tempt to describe dis feller to you, kase dere am nobody dat nose nofin 'bout him, and all my resarches outside ob de pictur book hab bin in wain. 306 BLACK DIAMONDS. De pictur books paints him wid horns, foots, and tail, like an ox^ — wid a face like an owl, and a body like a man. But folks, generly, don't seem to 'bleve dat am his dogertype likeness, or else dere words belie dcm most consumtively. De fack am, no two pepil dat I hab met during my studies on the subjick, seem to tink he am alike. For instinc, how often you hear sich remarks as dese on de Rial to. One man will say to anuuder, " Good mornin, it am devlish cold to- day." Yes, ses de odder feller, but it wus as hot as de debil yesterday, and upon my word,, sich warm wedder ab brought de flesh off ob me, 'till I am devlish thin." " Well," sez de fust spokesman, " hot wedder acks different wid me. I always get deblish stout in de summer time." Dere, you see one man hab de idea ob de debil bein cold and stout, while de odder tink he am hot and slim. See de infrence ! Den again you will heah men say dat sumbody wus as mad as de debil 'bout sumfin — and de nex minit you will heah de remark dat sumbody wus devlish civil. So I might go on and state dese contradictory notions all nite, widout making de fac more crystalised. De vrite trash paint de debil black, but in de Africa dey paint him wite— dere you see de infrences again — an' which am right. Eben Foolosefer Greely kan't deside wid enny satisfackshun to de komnmnity — but ob corse he'd go his deff on black. Nobody eber seen dis debil, aldo he hab bin on arf from the fust morning de world was made, and dere nebber hab bin enny 'counts ob he deff, eder by telegraph or newspapers, up to seven o'clock tft-nite, kase I've bin watchin fur de news all de week sence I 'eluded to lecture 'pon his lowness. Ef dere am one fellow hated more den unudder, it am de scoundrel mentioned in de tex. He am nebber menshuned in what am termd good society, but he am as big as a ABOUT THE OLD ENEMY. 307 wood-chuck in dere midst all de time. Sum folks go so far as to 'spress dere dislike to him in poetry, by requesting eberybody " To whip de debil round de stump, Ebery crack will make him jump." I hab no doubt, judgin frum his moral character, dat he richly deserbes tarin and feddrin, besides bein licked, like — like — de debil. He must be a dredful bad feller, and his influence muss be severely felt' in dis country, when it costs ober a hundred millions a yeer to support churches and preecher mans to fight wid him, and keep down his power. Dere am no noein whar he cum frum zackly. One poor old blind gemmon, by de name pb Milton, wrote a beauful piece ob poetry, describing his dounfall, but aU his theory am nocked flatter den Tom Hyer nocked Sullivan ; when we refleck dat he wus wid Adam and Bbe, in de garden ob Paradise; sence which time sum say he hab taken up he abode in Wall street. In 'clushnn, 6thly, I will cut de subjiok short. I don't meen curtailin de beast, but de lectur 'pon him. De fack is, I don't like to be too familliar wid him on no account — ^fur I, wid de rest ob mankind, hab ebery reson to be afeered ob him, fur ef he once claps his harpoon in you, you am a goner. Sum say dere am no debil — dat's a, lie, my frens, fur ef he wus out ob de way, dere wood be no murder, no more law- suits, no more rum drinked,, and consequently no more prisons. Dere am a debil, and he is alibe, and he am arter ebery one ob yon, and he wU! take eben bets dat he will hab you. He am always playin round your konshences, and ef you don't look out, he will slip into your heart, and make it a hard shell afore you know it. He am capable ob coming to you in enny shape, or in enny form he choose, and data de 308 BLACK DIAMONDS. reson one pussoa tinks him so different frum de odder. Data de reson he am hot to one, and cold to de odder. Oh, you poor deluded sinners, I dewise you to be on de alert, as de 'lecshun bills say, and keep your eye skinned fur future futurity. Try to go tru de world like a man — be kind and charitable to all^stick to your friends — ^be honest, and always speak de truf, and de debbil will not bodder you much — he don't like sich . company — and he gencrly gubs sich lolks a wide birf. You will, ob corse, find it hard to ward off his berry 'fectionafe influence, but stick to de de- termination to kick him off, and you will finally reach de odder side ob Jordan, de only place where he am none not to exist. Wid dese reflecshuns, I drop de subject like de monkey dropped de hot potato. I cood paint out de horrible hole where he libs, tell you de natural smell ob de place, de color ob de flames, and de state ob de fremometer, but I won't. I lebe dat fur de preechermans, many ob whom do nofin else — and frum sum ob dere descripshnns, you-wood tink dey^ gis cum frum de place itself. Will Brudder Napoleon Sampson Augustus Puttyhed pleese pass 'round de sasser, and look out fur tin shillings and free cent pieces — ^neder ob which I take. THE LOBSTER. 309 LECTURE XCIII. THE LOBSTER. My Deah Woolly Heds — You will find de tex I hab chosen fur lucidation dis ebenin, in de bottom ob de sea, close under de rocks, but as sum ob you, speshly de fair sex, mout object to go dere to look fur it, I will tell you where you can see a dogsearatype likeness ob him, which may answer de purpose ob dose folks dat am not so 'quisitif as odders You will find him in sum ob de spellin books, rite along side de letter L, and agin in Massa Goldsmith's book 'bout de animiles. De tex 'luded to, am often seen at de markets also, and am one ob de moss famil- iar subjicks dat I coed fotch up frum de deep waters ob ob- livion, to spread afore your darkened intellecks; De feller I shall dissect to-nite, am called in de English tongue, DE LOBSTER. ' I 'spose yon wood all radder hah him den heer tell ob him, but dats gis like de darkey, and a good menny wite folks, too. Dey kan't heer ob nofin good widout wantin it. Dere • am more selfishness in de world den menny pepil am apt to suppose. De lobster, my frens, am one ob de moss curious interestin fellers dat runs in de mud. He ain't half so beautiful as de rinosinhos, nor as lively as a flea. I tink, howeber, he am ob de flea species, or de flea am ob de lobster spe- cies, gis which you like. Dey am boff some on a nip, gis 310 BLACK DIAMONDS. like de sportin man. He libs in a shell, like de clam, but am no more relashun to de clam family, den I am to- Samuel Shakspere. When de world wus made, dere wus a good menny tings created dat wood tax de wisdom ob de author ob de bess foolosofers dat ebber libed. Adam was consulted by letter about it, but found no use to put him to, and he sent word dat all critters dat coodent be used muss be devoured, and mankind hab bin hard at de lobster eber sence — but de more dey eat de more seems to turn up. It hab always bin a mystery to me, and I may say to odder lightened foolosofers ob de day, to make out what de lobster wus fust intended fur, afore it wus decreed dat he wus to be eat up. It mite hab bin a wrong decree, but de poor ting had no way ob defendin its cause. He coode nt call a conwention to proteck his rites, like de wommin ob de present day. He coodent mount de rostrum and speechify — folks wood only laff at him — derefore his desendents do all dey kan to show dar disgust fur de imposition flicted 'pon dem, fur dey am never put into de pot dat dey don't blush all ober wid de heat ob resentment. When human nature made hjm in de fust place, I belebe dat it wus a speriment gis to see how ugly a ting cood be cre- ated, and how odd a customer cood be made to lib. I hab often tort dat it wus fust intended to make him a cupple ob legs, and place dem in de middle ob de body, so he cood walk upright, like de dandies and de owl, but dis speriment was 'bandoned when it wus taken into 'siderashun dat no- body cood make glubs to fit his .claws, kase yon see ef he had bin made wid legs, his claws wood ob corse be his hands. Ef he had bin made to walk uprite, he wood hab made a good companion, or perhaps a kind ob waiter to de old deb- bil heseff, and a pretty pair dey wood hab made fur a small THE LOBSTER. 311 party. Howeber, legs wus found not to answer, fur de mo- ment it wus tried, he kommenced boxin wid a monkey, and so to git him out ob sight, he wus thrown oberboard into de sea, and dar he lib in fine style eber sence. His creashun wus a grand speriment in menny ways, fur he am de only animile dat libs, dat combine de two sex, hemale and she- male, in one, and Nateral History sez dat " dis fac alone makes dem de moss wonderful ob all creashun, and wordy ob de study ob de scientific, and ob corse dat means me." I cood go on splainin singelar tings 'bout dis donble-jinted feller all nite, but it wood be no use ; all you cai;e about him, am to stuff your bred baskets wid him, and while you are tarin his insides out, you no more car how dey got dar, den I car who's de nex Presemdent. You got no more soul fur sianee, den a goose lias fur music. Dere am one or two tings connected wid him besides his tale, dat may how- eber strike you on de nolege box, as bein bery. queer. One ob dese am de fac dat it am as much trouble fur him to git a new cote upon his back, as it is fur one ob us fellers, and he is compelled by de force ob sarcumstances and de grofth ob his body, to change his jacket ebery year, gis like de skool boy. De great difference, howeber, am dat gettin a new jacket always makes de lobster sick abed fur , a few days, so he hab to be doctored, and de same operashun in de corse ob de skool-boy's life, make a holiday fur him. De lobster is a kute feller. He ginerly hides heseff away doun on de bottom ob de sea, behind a rock, or in a bunch ob coral, or sea-weed, and dere he sticks fur hours on de lay fur wictims, gis like de gamblers ob de city. When a little fish comes along fishin fur bugs, he will find, to his titter 'stonishment, a big claw cum doun on him like a siege hammer, and afore he recubbers frum he fright, he am in de jaws ob deff and de lobster. 312 BT,ACK DIAMONDS. You see he steals fur a libbia, aud fights like a mad wo- man when he gets kotched at it. Take him alltogedder, claws and all, and you will find him a hard case- — let him . git a chance, and de impression he will make upon you, will sassagefy you ob dat fac. You mite better play wid a steel trap den 'tempt to make a pet ob one ob dem, ef he's no bigger den a piece ob red putty. Dere ; you noe all about de lobster now, and speck you feel greatfool fur it. I tort it wood be a subject dat wood meet your tastes, and I felt .sure you wood greedily devour it. Ef -enny ob you feel as ef you wood like to see furder into de subjick, gis bring him to me wid a little sweet oil, ki-an pepper, mustard, winegar, and such tings, and I'll show you how wonderful we are made, in less den no time. As I see a good menny ducks here to-nite, we'll konclude by singin de useal ducks holiday, or ducksolegers, I don't car which, kommencin wid — Lobsters, great and small, We fondly lub you all ; Bile dem nicely in de pot. And bring dem out pipin hot. You can smg it to long metre, short metre, or meet her by moonlite alone. Will Brudder Dave Leonidus Mark Antony Petis pleese to honor de 'caishun by ;passin round de sasser. He will den hab a fuss rate chance ob showin off dem yeller glubs dat he hab held ober he hed all de ebenin. Is camfene smell nateral to dat kind ob goat skin. THE MONKEY. 813 LECTURE XCIV. THE MONKEY. Cdkkious Customees It am berry currigen to your humble speaker to see sich a crowd ob pussons assemble bar each lectur nite. De reesou ob sich crowded houses am owiu to it bein free. You wni allers find free consarts an free lecturs crowded, no matter how poor de intertainment am dat's offerred. Dat I call a noble zample ob "our free institutions," as de politishions say. I hab bin inquested to lectur on a cur- rious an by no meens sublime subjick dis ebenin, an darfore 1 will pleese .de brudder by scribein de culiarities ob a feller you all despise, but nebberdeless he muss be induced to your dark intellects. You will find de subjick fured to in all de jimalongical sub- stitutes or carawans in de country, an in all de museums, edder stuffed in a glass case or rnnnin round de floor wid a string tied to he middle. I speck you begin to smell sumfin . like a rat as to who de feller am ; but ef not, I'll tell you plump an squar, widout wishin to insult you, dat I wish to call your 'tention to — DE MONKEY. De monkey am s'posed, by sum ob de nigerent peepils, to be de connectin link atweene de ingin rubber mare maid dat belongs to Mr. Barnum, and de culler'd man. Odders tink dat dey am cross grained atweene de possum and de kange- U 31 i BLACK DIAIIOXPS. roo ; but my deluded frens, sich am not de fack. Dey am a stinck race by demseffs, an dev uoe too much for de wite man, and de culler'd man too. Dey noe nuff to keep dar jaws closed, so dey won't bab to wor^ an take care ob demseffs like us fellers, an de way solne ob dem does fool de wite trash am a causbun to lawyers. Dar am sebril kinds ob monkeys, called by different names, de same as de different tribes ob ingins, an range from de big rang-a-tang, five foot high, to de little whinein monkey no bigger den a kitten, wid a tail as long as de Pilgrim's Pro- gress. Dey am cubber'd wid hair, like a hair trunk, an dey luff dar wiskers grow in de French fashion. You muss not tink dat dem dandies you meet in Broadway wid dar face cubber'd up with hair till dey look like a rat a peakin- true a bail of oakem, am rang-a-tangs, kase dey ajnt ; for de pure breed hab got a narrative attached to dem dat dese dandies vrouldn't fatig demseffs to carry round, less it war fashuna- ble ; but I tink dey am radder shamed ob demseffs, for look- ing so much like a big monkey, an for fear dat sensable peepil will take dem for de pure speches, dey had dar coats cut off as short as posable, jis to luff all de vrorld see dat dey hab not got a tail. Ef de tailors war to cut dar coats longer, menny dat now pass for human beins would be in fear to lemenade de treet, leest de show shop man kotch an kage dem. But dey needn't bin a fraid, kase dey "svood be foun ob a tirely different speeshes from de monkey as soon as dar high coat collar were turned down fishently to show dar ears. Now you noe de reeson dat de dandies wares de high collar and de short tail coat. De monkey am de moss decetful of all human nature. When you got your eye on him, you'd tink butter wouldn't melt in he mouf ; but de minnet jour back am turned, he THE MONKEY. 315 am cuttin up de old debil hesseff. His face am so full oj) ingin-rubber dat yon can't tell wedder he am a cryin or a laffin, widout a close specshun ob de muzzels. When dey am dressed up in man's or wimmen's close, dey look so much like de cuUer'd poperlashun dat it makes a darkey mad to look at him. But den dey needn't feel dat way, kase dar muss be a line drawn, an a eonneckshun link sumwhar. De monkey infek de souffern reegons ob de atmosfere, tedder side ob de equinoxtail line, an am found in large com- munities round Cape Cod, an dar dey lib wid as much inde- pendence as de Mormons, an like dem hab as menny wibes as dey like. Dey hab a king mong dem, who hab as much rite to rule his tribe as de ill-begotten neffew ob his unkle hab to rule obber France. History sez dat wen de monkeys git too menny for de wite peepU dat lib whar dey am, an wen it becums danger- bus for a spectable female to lebe her home for feer ob bein nocked doun by dem, den the wite folks go hunt dem, but dey am too full ob de injin rubber an telemgraf&ck fluid to be kotched. Den de wites resort to cullerd man's cunningness to stroy dem. Dey git a dozen baskets an fill dem wid rice an 'lassus, an set em doun 'bout a hundred yards apart long de road, an dey lay tree or four clubs long side ob de baskits. Den de wite folks hide demseffs away. Putty soon de monkeys smell de rice, an cum out ob de woods arter it, but none ob dem dar go nie to it, an dar they stand for a hour chatterin jis like Kongress men obber de spiles ob oflGice. Well,'bime by de lady monkeys bein more feerless den de ress, go up to de baskets to eat de rice, an to scure it to demseffs dey grab a club. Den de ole he fellers rush upon dem like a hawk on a chicken, to take it from dem, an dey grab anudder club, an den a fite begins, an ginerly one haff am killed or babby wounded, so dat-dey can be kotched an tried. Dese 316 BLACK DIAMONDS. facks make me tink dat dey am like de politisliuns ob de day, kase jis sicli fites am goin on 'bout de gubberment pap, but de fite am all wind wid dese latter fellers ; but dey try to termenate one anudder, an dey try it putty hard in de Six Ward, but dey all seem to come oif second bess. I cood tell you a good menny uannygotes 'bout de mon- key, but I hab kept you out ob your beds too long now. James Arlington Goff Tappin Johnson, pleese pass round de sasser. LECTURE XCT, POMPET'S WEDDINS. \ {A Fact.) Delited Lams — Here I is agin, feelin as fresh as a noreaster, but I hope to be less cuttin. My 'fections am as strong as a lo- comotive fur you, and as warm as free o'clock in dog days ; aud notwithstandin I buse you sum times fur to make you better, my hart clings tojfou like molasses to a ruif stick. I say dis on dis caishun, not so much to raise a big coUeck- shun, as to luff off de honest feelin dat lays hid under de leff side ob dis worn out west-cote. Since de lass time I had de pleasure ob distressin you frum dis old nostrum or desk, I hab seen a little fun. I've bin to a weddin way out in dat kountry ob clam-shells and ledder chips — Jersey. I wont tell you whose bin a gittin married, till I tell you how I was fooled out ob de job. De odder Saturday nite, Anty Clawson and nie — me and pompey's wedding. 317 Anty hab made all up agin, and I am aguane back dar to lib ; we cum to a neutral understandin 'bout tings ; I am to hab pan-kakes de same day dey am cooked ; de clam flitters am to hab clams in dem ; de coughfee am to bo trong nuff to run on all caishuns, and clear itself out ; dere- fore I tink I will hab less grounds Tb find fault wid ; and anudder ting am, de gutta percha steaks and doe-nuts am to be pounded afore dey cum on de table, to sabe jaw- bone exercise. Well, as I was sayin, me and Anty Clawson wns agwano fru Senter Market at a late hour, in order to git tings cheap, when who shobd I spi wid a tin kettle but Brudder Pompy and Brudder Reigh, a &tandin at a clam stand, a gittin dere kittles full. I tort frum de looks ob Pompy dat sumfin 'straordinary wjis gwane on, kase he looked full nuff ob happyness to bust. Ebery now and den he'd swaller a raw clam hole. Tinks I to myseflf, inside my hed, Pompy muss be in lub, and am habbin a little Fourth ob July to heseff, so I called he frend aside, and I axed him what's de matter wid Pompy. " Don't you noe ?" sed he. " No," sed I. " Well, den," sed he, " Pompy am gwane to git married to Sister Martha Maria, on Monday morning, at Goggys- vill, nie to Patterson, and he am now gittin a few clams fnr de weddin brakefast. I wus damfounded, to tink how de outdatious Pompy dare do sich a ting, and not let me noe it ; not ebiu gib he old shepherd de job ; but I dident say nufin to nobody, and no- body did so to me, but when Monday cum, I gis took de de- pot and went to Coggysvill, gis to see cf it wus true. When I ribed, de ceremony wus ober, but matrimony wus dar in all its glory. Julius was dar, too, and he made no 318 BL'AOK DIAMONDS. " bones" in inducin me to de family. De bride looked splen- diferoiis ; her eyes shine like stars in de furninence afore daylite in de mornin, and she blushed like a biled lobster when I shook her lubly hand. Pompy was all out on de caishun ; blue buttoned brass cote, wid high-heeled shirt- collar, pink vest, red crawat, and odder fixins. He was as full ob animation as a skruce beer bottle, and seemed as redy to go off. I wus doun on him fur not luffin me noe about it, but he polegized and sed it wus de bride's wish, so ob course I wus like de feller dat wus cotched in de act, I hadn'ta word to say fur myself. I wusvitedto stay to dinner, and I tell you what, we had a first-rate programe : clam soup, fried clams, clam pie, and odder tings in season, in de greatest confusion. But de fun dident kommence till arter dinner. As soon as de table wus clared off, de flo wus elared far a dance. Brudder Reigh took doun dat good old fiddle, Brudder Pompey siezed his tamborine, and Brudder Julius took up his bones, and den de music begin to ring out on de air, and sich music — ^it was sweet nuff to make de angels stop on dere errants ob mercy and listen to it frum de clouds. We all danced to our harts' contents. Fust we had de Scotch- ick, den we had de elbow-lord-o, den de resowair, den cnm de pole-cat, den de cowtilion, and den de jigs on all fours. We danced till you'd a tort hebin and arf was a cummin toged- der. We swassaged up and donn, lemonaded all round, and when dat was ober, clam-soup was serbed, wid crackers and skruce beer. At sum weddins dey gub you Hidesick wine, but we had stomacksick skruce beer which am jist as good in fly time. When we had done wid all dat, we marched to de railrode in single file, two by two, whar we ribed jist fibe minutes afore de depot left, and home we cum in de for- ward deck, a singin all de way. When we cum fru de tun- pompey's wedding. 319 nel, eberybody tort dey heer de car brake doun, but it wus only Pompy and Martha Maria a kissin radder strong. Dey boff survived, but de shock wus radder too much fur a maiden lady in lielock pink silk, who pertended to faint in a young Irishman's arms. I ribed home safe wid de rest, kase dat dident happen to be de day fur de rail-rode axident^. Pompy hab gone to Bohucken on a weddin tour, and he writes me by de furrin male dat he 's as happy as a hog in an apple bin at a gider null, and I sincerely wish you war all as happy as Pompy and he young bride. Ef yon should meet Martha Maria at enny time, don't look squint-eyed and noein at her, kase none ob you don't noe what you may cum to yet ; and above all, keep dark. De kongregashun will pleese sing de usual ducksholiday as soon as Brudder Porter takes up de colleckahun. Brud- Pierce will lede de trubble. Brudder George De Barren- tone and little Johnny may turn de hand organ on dis por tant caishun. Sister Jemima Dncklegs will lead de aUtoes. 320 BLACK DIAMONDS. LECTURE XCVI. A HARD SUBJECT. Inlitend Sinners — De subjick dat I chose fur lucidashun dis time, am one ob de herdest, when it, am cooked in a proper way, ob enny I hab as yet tempted to exasperate to you. It am so common to you all, dat I noe you look 'pon it as beneaf your notice, but nebber de less, it will serbe as an instrument to beat nolege into your tick heds. I derefore will call your 'tenshun to de BRICKBAT. which I lay 'pon de desk. Now you will all be mity aston- ished when I tell you dat dis brick, ruff and onsmoff as it am, am gis as good as you am, and in some instances, a good deal better, fur it kan't commit enny sin nor nuisances. It am made ob de same matereal as you is, and de only difference dat I can see, am de fack dat de brick hab bin put fru de iiery furnace afore it am a brick, and you fellers hab yd got to go fru de brimstone. De Samest sez dat human natur " Made us ob clay and formed us man," don't it ? Well, what difference to dat am a brick made ? Don't de man in brick-kill make it ob clay, and form it brick ? Well den, whats de inference ? Why, dat de man am as good as de brick, and dat some men am bricks, and nothin shorter. Bricks and mankind am closer connected den mose A HARD SUBJECT. 821 jaeople wood at first consebe. , De brick hab stood his frend aginst wind and wedder fur centeries, and notwidstandin it am gittin de cold sholder ob de berry class it hab proteckted fur ages, sence de rage fur wite marble hab set in, and de brown granite hab become fashunable, still it finds a bery prominent place in all sibilized kountries. De brickbat follows sibilizashun as fast as a hungry dog wood a piece ob raw meat tied to a bull's tail — in fact, sibili- zashun seems to karry it wid her whareber she goes ; fur as soon as she steps her foot in a kountry, bricks seem to start out ob de ground. You may no more speck to find de brick 'mong sabage nashuns, den you mout speck to see de works ob Samuel Shakespere 'predated in a hog pen. Derefore I say unto you, suspect de brickbat as a friend ob dose two sweet^isters, Peace and Sibilizashun. I noe you am reddy to say'dey ain't always found 'mong de peaceful and sibilized, kase dey am found in all kinds ob rows at 'lecshnn fites. But my frens, ef dey am found flyin 'bout like fedders in a. gale ob wind in de Six Ward sumtimes, am dat de fault ob de bricks ? Ob corse not ; it am de fault ob de men, as Judge Bigbean said when he heard de lass case ob seduckshun, and his 'pinion wood hab bin consid-ered' gis as good as law, ef de Jury hadent a spilt it by layin de whole blame 'pon de plain- tif, which, in dis partickler case, wus a woman in loose slebes and looser morals. We am all too apt to look doun 'pon folks dat cum frum gis as good stuff as we did. Whars de difference, I ax yoa agin, atwene de man and de brick ? When man was formed out ob de clay, a nose and a mouf wus put 'pon him, and de bref ob life wus blown in it, and he jumped up reddy to start a newspaper. Spose de same ting had bin done to de brick, woodent he bin gis as good as we ? Ob corse he wood. Don't we, when boff ob us hab becum useless to de world, 14* o22 BLACK DIAMONDS. return to brick dust ? Ob corse we do. Well, den, wh^ 'mong de greatest foolosefers dat eber cramed his lied wid nolege, kan see de difference ? Not one, my frens, derefore dat pint am settled. De brick am a useful ting, and seems to be thort ob more den menny tings possessin' more beauty and rale worth. Sum men am so covetious ob dem, dat dey take home a hat full almoss ebery night. Dere am a man dat libs 'pon de fust floor 'bovc me, dat muss hab a room full by dis time, fur he hab bin berry industrious a bringin dem home. Sumtimes he has a bigger lode on den odders, and den his hat am so heaby, it makes him stagger like a punkin on de end ob a rattan stick. I don't noe what he dus wid dem, as I neber see him bring enny ob dem out. Once a cart backed up in front ob de house, and I specked to see a hole lode go 'way, but not a brick cum out — all de cart took, wus ashes frum de barrel on do walk. When old Hipopotomus, de Greek foolosefer, came frum Ireland, and seen a brick fur the fust time, he spent six weeks and aKfortnight a tryin to find which way de grain run ; but as he coodent find out, it went aginst his grain to work enny longer, and so he bandoned de job, hopin dat C. Ed- wards Lester might detect it, wid de rest ob his mares nest, and publish de result ob his resarches wid his attack 'pen Presemdent Pierce in de Lundon Times ; but as yet he ain't told de London people nofin 'bout it. I wood tell you how de brick am made ef I cood. I went to a brick-yard wid dat 'tenshun, but as I found I wood hab to bring de hole yard, kill and all, wid me to do so, I 'eluded dat it wood be easier fur you to go to de yard dan fur me tp bring it along. , I axed de man which he tort wus de moss perfect bricks, and he sed 49's fellers. Wid dis THE FLEA. 323 startling information ringin in your long ears, I will cave in fur de ebeuin, as soon as Sister Angelina Sofaria' Abgil Jinkins passes 'round de sasser — and while slie am doin de same, I will state dat I nebber wus haff in need ob frens and dimes as I am on dis 'portant caishnn. LECTURE XCYII. THE FLEA. Foul and fair sex — I RISE to nite full ob fried clams and spurior n6lege fur your edicashun. De clams I got at Anty Clawson's, and de nologe I got frum books and 'sperience, during my sojourn, or sogerin (gis as you mind to call it), in dis wicked world, and whale ob tears. Fried clams am berry good in dere place, and dere place am in de stumjack ob de human body. But oh, my poor ignumrunt frens, nolege am better. Clams puff you up, and make you feel mity big in your pusson — but nolege goes to de hed, and de more you hab ob it, de lighter it seems — de more you noe, de less you tink you noe. Clams vanish in a day, but nolege sticks in your head like a chesnnt bur to a cow's tail. Derefore jdn see de tilulity ob fillin de hed as jrell as de stomjack. My Dseal unquenchable thirst fur nolege hab led me to contemplate sum tings fur splainificashun dis ebenin, dat may strike 'pon your emty nolege boxes as bein queer. I shall introcumduce to your notice on dis 'portant cai- shun, one ob de liveliest and most industrious fellers in dis 324 EI.ACK DIAMONDS. kommunity, and one which I noe you hab spent hours in constant sarch arter, so curious was you to find 'em. I shall derefore, widout leaf or licence, tell you all I noe 'bout DE FLEA. De flea, my frens, am one ob de most curious suckers in de world, as his history will fully probe. He belongs to de species ob de politishun, de elemfent, de grasshopper, de porkepine, and de soger man. Dere am , nobody nose 'zactly whar he cum frum, nor whar he am a gwane to — but ebery body nose when he am present, and dats all dey noe 'bout him. When Mr. Noah bilt he Ark, and took in a hemale and shemale ob ebery kind ob beast and fowls, he muss hab for- got to take de flea abord, or else de picture books lies like a Jew-pedler, kase I've bin a sarchin dem all ober fur to find him 'mong de odder animals agoin in de Ark, and he ain't dar. Derefore it am naturally infused dat Massa Noah eder dident want to be trubbled wid de costomer, or else he coodent kotch him to take aboard. I guess finally he was- ent dar at all, kase in all de 'counts I hab read 'bout dat xpedishun ob Massa Noah wid de Ark, I neber see his name menshuned. Den de natural inquiry am — whar did he cum frum ? I will tell 'you. He cum out ob de saw-dust, fur it am a Well none fac, which almoss ebery carpenter and odder foolosfers will tell you, ef dey nose it, dat hemlock saw-dust will breed fleas. Ef you fill a little bag wid saw-dust and lufiF it lay whar de sun and rain will hab full power 'pon it, you will see de liveliest bag in 'bout free weeks, dat you eber seed, and as far at a distance as you kan keep frum it, de better it will be fur your peace and quietness. I say dese tings unto you, me mysefi". I said de flea be- THE FLEA. 325 longed to de specie Politishun. Wharefore ? yea will ax ; I will splain. De politishun and de flea am alike, kase you don't noe whar to find edev ob dem. "Dey bop, skip, and jump 'bout so, dat dere am no putting your finger on eder ob dem. De politishun hab bin none to jump frum one platform to anudder, and show as astonishin agility as de flea dare do. See de infrence ! He am like de elemfant, kase he karries a trunk, and dis trunk ob his, am what he uses as a suckshun hose to suck do blood ob us poor mortals — he runs it in de pours ob de skin, gis like de fireman puts his suckshun hoses into de water, and den he goes to work, and ginerly lebes wid his trunk full ob de licker ob life. He am fifty times stronger den de elem- fint, kase he kan jump more den a hundred times he lenf, and dats what de elemfant kan't do no how he can fix it. Woodent Mister Elemfent look nice a tryin to jump ober Trinity Church ? What a row it wood kick up in Broad- way 1 Woodent folks stare 1 De jumpin qualities ob de flea brings him in de family ob de grasshopper as near as fifty-first cousin. What makes him a relashun to de porkempine, am de fac dat I discub- bered fru de Tell-lie-scope, and dat am, dat his body am cubbered all ober wid little squills at- de jints which stick up sharp like pints ob needles — and de reason why he am like a soger man, am bekase his hole body am cubbered ober wid a coat ob mail, made in jints, gis like de old soger coats ob male wus made afore de dragoon killed Saint George, ober dar in Ireland. De flea am a happy feller, and seems to enjoy his Jimnas- tick exercises as much as de fellers in silk tights and shirts, who make a libin by tumblin in de circus on a piece ob second-hand carpet. In moral principal de flea am a scoundrel in ebery sense 326 BLACK DIAMONDS. ob de word. He has no compunkshun in attackin his enemy when he am asleep, and two fleas .will keep a feller on a spring bed all nite, and worry him almoss to deff. He is a backbiter ob de worst character, and deserbes all de smash- ins he gits fram eberybody. Dere am little none regardin his moral character, as nobody kan keep his company long enuff to find it out. It am not none wedder he belebes in de mariage tie. He may be in fabor ob temperance, but I'll be sworn on de almanack dat he will take a nip when- eber he kan git de chance. Dus endef de chapter. Dere will be a meetin ob de society fur loungin 'round de Park Fountain and de coal boxes on de corners, in dis room on Saturday nite nex, to take into 'siderashun de necessity ob providen winter quarters. De komitee appinted to foUer de sogers, nie de band, will report on dat caishun. Dere duties hab bin berry great fur de lass few days, as de soger companies am berry prebelent gis now, and dey stand in need ob new boots. De kommittee pinted by dis kongregasun to see what kind ob 'bacco I chaw, and what kind ob coffee I drink, will report as soon as dey confer wid de Bishop Doane Commit; tee. Luff em cum to question me on dem pints, dats all. Will Brudder Jemes Jargon Bennet please pass round de sasser dis time. He hab bin away so long dat all he frens will like a peep at him. REFLECTIONS ON POLITICS. 327 LECTURE XCVIII. reflections on politics. Fellow Citizans — As de'lecshum am all ober, and tings hab taken a dif- ferent turn to what dey used to wus, I tink it am time I had a few words to spoke to de wite folks bout demseffs — tings am gittin to sich a pitch — derefore I will call dis lectur de SECOND PISTOL TO DE NEW YORKERS. I shall on dis 'tickler 'caishun diwide my subject into seb- ril pieces, like de Yankees dos de turkey at home at Tanks- gibbin time, and like Rusha wants to do abroad. Fustly — After lookin abroad on de university ob natur, and see how tings grow up in dis world, it makes me laff to corntemplate de prisumpshun ob you New Yorkers. You tink you noseraove den odder folks — so you do frum your gutters. You tink you got de pnttiest city in de kountry — so you hab ef you take de dirt out ob it, and extract sum ob de sass frum your omnibus drivers. Secondly — You tink bekase you hab a free skule on ebery corner, dat your wisdom am more 'sperior and solid den your nabors'. Thirdly— We'll see 'bout dat. Fourthly — You hab gone and turned out twenty faithful sufferers fur de cities good, and upset de tea room and spilt all de tea frum de dummyjohns, gis bekase dey stole de pe- pil's money, and now yon hab gone and poled in sixty odder 328 BLAdK DIAMONDS. fellers, who will steal gis forty times as much, bekase insted ob dere bein atey haus to poke into de public meal-bag, dere will now be, 'cordiri to de rule ob tree in Dave Ball's rufma- tic, gis one hundred and fifty. I suffered dat u^ all by my- self, on de hed ob a barl wid a piece ob stick lass Sunday mornin on de warf. Now ef you call dat wisdom, I'd like to know what price de teachers in de free skules git a monf for dissemblin edicashun and nolege fru de pepil. Common sense mout hab teached de sober second thoughts ob de wite folks dat sixty lofers wus more xspensif to keep 'pon public pap den forty wood be, kase dey am all such big eaters. Sixly — Whar am all de money cumin frum, to keep all dese fellers ? Whar will dey all bord ? De tea room am busted ; de Sitty Hall aint big 'nuff to 'commodate dem, and derefore dey'll have to sleep in de Stashun House. Now don't you all tink, on taken a retrograde aspeck of tings, dat you deserbe a big club wid a bladder on de end ob it, ober your heds ? Ninely — I do, ef you don't. Fifely — You New Yorkers don't noe'inore den you ort to, no how, and de wust ob it am, you won't lern. When Mr. Kowshoot, or Cowsnout, or whateber his name wus, de Hun- gry un, cum here like Yankee Doodle, wid a fedder in his hat, a ridin on a pony, you formed yourseffs into a kurmittee ob de hole, and you tort you'd make pollytical capitol out ob him. You flocked to see him, and ass-corted him tru de streets all in your soger close, eber so nice. You guv him dinners and suppers, tree or four times a day — made speech- es and punches, and killed ostrages at ebery meal you ate — drinked, danced and blowed up de xcitement till you tort you had him all moulded to your purpose. You got dollar sartificates printed, for which you neber paid till dis day, and sold enny quantity, which munny, togedder wid de tou- REFLECTIONS »N POLITICS. 329 Band dollars and firty-one cents Brudder Greely gub Mm frum de pocket ob his old white cote, he quietly took, and insted ob sain my name am Hains, as de feller did to Massa Jefferson, he said, " my name am Elick Smifl'," and sloped — or else he sed, "my name am Elick Slope," and smiffed, I forgit now which, but it matters not, as de tragedy man al- ways say. Twelfly — As soon as you found you coodent use him, you all went to work to blygurd him ; all de papers cum out aginst him, and am still heapin insult 'pen his name, gis be- kase he node too much fur de holl pack ob you. Sebenfly^— Deres anudder feller comin dat you want to ass-afy gis de same, so you kan speechefy and git into de dinner, and git de dinners into you. His name am Kostza, or Cotchta, and am anudder Hungry-un, who am willin to live and die one. You ain't satisfied ob makin asses ob yourseffs once, but want to do de same likewise agin also. You want to get up a public reception to show off your so- ger cloze, and set de tax payers a swearin. Ebery Council- man wants to make a speech for Buncum, and only tink ob sixty 4:th ob July speeches to him in de middle ob winter, while putty and peanuts am on de riz daily. Thirdly — I'm disgusted wid you ! Ately — You send men abroad to brag ob your sitty, and den luff your own ackshuns belie ebery word your furrin cor-- rispondents say — you are a money seekin pack a set, and you don't noe nufin else. Siance am a dead letter to "you, and I mite lectur tiU I'm wite in de face, and you woodent noe nufin 'bout it den. You got your pollyticks all in a snarl, so dat a man wid kommqn gumpshun, don't noe who's who, nor which am what. De Free Soilers say dey am Soft — soft free soil means mud, derefore dem fellers muss go fur muddy street?. De Hards I spose wood hab iron houses, 330 BLACK DIAMONDS. iron pavements, iron bosses and iron konshences. I don't noe nufin 'bout dem myseff, kase I ain't no pollytick, no how. I wns standin, on 'leckshun day, a readin a 'leckshun bill, wid an arm on it wid a hammer in de hand, dat nom- inated a lawyer fur some orfice, and was a tinkin what dat workin man's arm had to do wid a lawyer dat wanted a place, when a wite man sung out to me, " Say, Julius, am you a Hard or Soft ?" I submit, I didn't noe his full mean- in, so I told him " boof." "How kan dat be ?" sed he, right back. " Why," sez I, " I'm hard 'bout de heel and hed, and soft 'bout de hart and shin." " Well, what ticket am you gwane to vote ?" axed he, again foolin me. " I only wote one way," sez I. " Which way am dat ?" sed he. " Pur higher sallary," sez I. " Do you tink you'll git a majority ?" sez he. " I don't want none ob dem fellers," sez I ; " I only want my wages raised ;" and dats de text I want you all to 'Bid- der 'pon on your way home to-nitei Fourthly and lastly — Ton Yorkers bild highchnrch ste- ples ; put a bank to burst on ebery corner, and twelbe tab- erns on ebery block, and den you. call it de great emporium ob de new world. It mite wid more truff, be called de gre'at rumporiwn ob bad licker. Put that in your pipes and suck it in wid your 'backer. WUl Sister Panny Pern please pass round de sssser. She hab got independence and talents 'nuff fur to do ennyting dats rite in de site ob de lord and man. Besides, dere am a large number ob de kongregashun dat wood be mity glad to git a squint at her. PROF. HAJfNlBAL UOIXG ON A TOUK TO EUROPE. 331 HIGHLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. PEOF. JULIUS CfiSAJR ECANNIBAL GOING ON A TOUR TO EUROPE. GREAT MEETING. The " Hall ob Siance," in which the learned and distin- guished Prof. Hannibal has held forth for the last four years was densely crowded last night by a large and enthu- siastic meeting of his congregation. As soon as all the candles were topped, an aged " brudder " arose in the desk, and in a tremulous tone, read aloud the following letter ■from the sage and philosopher : Anty Clawson*B Seller, Noon-time, April, 1854. BeLDDED t.ams OB MT ELOOK — It am wid sorrow in my heart, and drefful pain in my limbs, dat I find mysefi' cmnpell'd to forego de pleasure ob lecturin to-nite to you. Ob late my helf hab bin as poor as my pockets, and ef I don't git no better fass, I'll hab to trow up (I don't mean emeticly spoken) my posishun — or as de preacherman's say, resine my call ober you. De fac am, I is sinkin in helf and funds daily, and derefore I rite dis to say dat ef you is not sassagefied, you kan git anudder shepherd aa soon as sou pleese, as I is 'tirly too full ob rumatism and regret to fulfll my duty towards you. 'Spectfully yours, J. C^SAB Hankibal. On the readin of this touching letter from the aged Pro- fessor, a young brudder behind a ruffle shirt and a large moustache, arose, and addressed the congregation in the following strain : 332 black diamonds. "Bruddekn and Sistern — Fur de fuss time in my life, I rise to si^eak in public, but dis is sich a 'strordinavy 'caishun, dat I wood feci as guilty as ef I had stolen a sheep, ef I war to set still and not gub my voice in favor ob doin sumfin to help our worthy friend and distructor, Brudder Hannibal. For de lass four jeers, we hab sat under his weakly teaehin, and all muss admit dat he has unlocked he dai'k lantern ob siance, and luffed de full lite refulgintly fall 'pon our heds. He hab labored till he am sick wid disease, and haff ded wid de rumatism. Derefore I say unto you, in de language ob de Pos'le Napo- leon, ' Let's go in and do sumfin fur him to help him out ob he trubbles,' " saying which, he used a very large white hankerchief in relieving the probosis, and sat down. Then an aged sister arose (whose name we learned to be Aunty Belcher), and in a very animated tone, thus address- ed the assemblage : " Ain't you a putty set ob niggars, to luff dat good ole man lay dere in dat seller, doubled up like a jack-knife wid de rumitism, when you. all got 'nuff to eat, and mor'n 'nuff fur your own good, to drink. You young fellers dats got money 'nuff to go ronn rasin de debil and eatin fried clams ebery night, why don't, you shell out and do sumfin terable fur de ole man ? I'll bet a half dollar chunk, dat I done more fur him se"hce he'm bin sick, den enny odder sister in de crowd — but I don't go and blow 'mong de gossipers and back-biters what I do. What I do, I do, and dats my bizness I kan only say I blush fur you all, wid all de cullar I got. Let's be up and doin, as de bumble bee sed to de tumble dumb beatle. Much as I hate de hull race ob hemale man, as I offin told de poor ded and gone Peter Belcher, I'd only like to be a man fur that old bennerable man's sake fur 'bout PROF. HANNIBAL GOING ON A TOUR TO EUROPE. 333 two days, or two days and a haff, I'd show you ole slow coaches wat cood be doue." She had scarcely taken a seat, when a middle aged " brudder " mounted the desk and said : "Ladies and Gemstoji— I spose I got a right to spoke on dis question. Ef eny ob you doubt it, I'll gis tell dem smack in de teef dat I hab paid as much as eny odder member ob dis 'siety, to keep de ole Professor at our helm. Now I got somfin to say 'bout dat man dat you will all deter in ef you got common sense. In de fuss place you all know dat he hab done more to frow a hello 'round de kullar man, den eny cullard man libin." Several voices — " here, here, good." Speaker — " Shut your mouf, or I will mine — it don't make no difference to me which closes, only I won't be in- terrupted. .1 wus gwane to say dat Prof. Hannibel am de moss siantificest man wat am, and I go in fur gettin him on he feet agin widout alio win him to do no more work. How is it wid de_ preacher mans ? When enny ob dem gits de brown-kritters in de troat, or de yeller ganders in de back, or a bile on de panorama ob de stomjack, de fuss ting am a woyage to Urope. Now I'd like to ax dis kongregashun ef our ole belubed Professor ain't as good as eny ob dem fel- lers — he may not be, spiritly speakin, but as a bodily subjick, I say he am. Derefore I offer dis rebulushun to de crowd. I rit it myseff, and derefore I better read it myseff. Resolbed, dat wharas our ole and long 'suspected shepherd hab bin sick and laid up on de shelf like a pair ob skates in August, for de lass six monfs, and wharas we look 'pon him as one ob de lites ob de age, in de dark walley ob sciance, we, his fellow citizens and members ob his 'siety fur de 'spresshun ob ignumrence and elewashun ob useless nolege 334 BLACK DIAMONDS. and fandimental sciance, do hereby pledge ourseff to raise 'fishent fands to send him to TJrope, and that he goes forf- with directly immediately." Three cheers were here given by the people. The speaker contioued — " Now, my frens, dare am a fuss-rate chance to send de Professor wid a frend ob his. I larned lass nite dat de Editor ob de Picayune, who also hab bin sick a long time likewise, and who stops writein fur de benefit bb he helth and his reders, am a gwane to TJrope on a tower ob obser- washun." Voice — •" He'd better go in a ship, I tink." Speaker — ■" I am sure he will see to his gittin a passage on de same ship wid him, as a sort ob left hand kompanion and general philosopher. And den, my frens, see what adwantage his trip ^ill be to us. He will hab more sciance and knowledge to kommunicate den wood fill a sugar hogs- head. We would be de gainers by it, Fur he would tell sich lots bout all he sees on de odder side ob Jordon. Shall we send him or not- — dats de question 1" Here the enthusiasm knew no bounds — the whole house rose and cheered, and waived their hats and handkerchiefs, and cries of " yes," " yes," came from every quarter. Speaker — "I mobe de kollecshun be started das nite. Sister Belcher — "I second de moshun." Young man in ruffle shirt — " I fird it." Speaker — "It am mobed and second dat the kollecshun be started to-nite. All dose in favour ob dat fac, and de pintin of myseff, Brudder Cowlip, Brudder Longheal, Brudder Highrump, Siste^Biglip, Sister Belcher, Sister Platsmeller, and Sister Anty Clawson, as a kommitte to raise de balance, will pleese say I " Speaker — •" Carried without a cornsenting voice. Now I THE RESOLUTION. 335 mobe dat de sense and de rebolushun ob dis meetin be carried to-nite to de old man." Unanimously carried. The collection was taken up by the speaker, who on this occasion, used his hat, and the meeting dismissed. LECTURE XCIX. THE RESOLUTION. Children ob Siance — A CHICKEN pot-pie dinner, wid mince pie fixing, cood- eiit a bin more acceptable to your poor worn-out shepperd, den de recete ob your kind rebolution, wich you passed at your lass meetin. Your inwitation to go off to Urope on a sea-woyage, hab cheered up my old wedder-beaten and most broken heart, and sent a frill ob joy clar doun in my stockins. Ob all tings in dis world dat I hab wished, wus to be able sum day to cross de briery deep, and see old Mas- sa Neptnn, a riden on a see hoss, attended by a plattoon ob maremaids, a dashin de wabes each side ob he chariot, wid a five tined pitchfork. I am told dat Urope am full ob siance, and all dat it wants to bring it out in full and fulgent glory, am a man wid brane abure de ordinary calender to pint out its beauties. I can assure you all, dat ef dar am enny siance worf knowin, I'll find it out and s|)lain de hole ting, as plain as a pictur on a tea-bord. As soon as I git your rebolushun, and felt sartain dat I wus sure to be gwane, I mediately writ a note to de Edi- tor ob de Picayune in de followin strain : 336 BLACK DIAMONDS. " Anty Clawsons's, Most Nite. " Dear Sir — De members ob de 'Siety fur de 'spresshun ob igno- rence and elewasbuu ob useless nolege, and fundimental Siance, whose teacher I am, as you am aware, hab, iu consequence ob my long and severe sickness, konclnded to make up a puss to send me to tJrope fur de benefit ob my institushuu. And larnin in a direct way dat you, wishin a laxashua fur your own benefit, hab taken passage furde toun ob Urope, derefore I ax you, as an old frend, to endebber to git me a passage on board de same ship wid you. You noe my 'stinguished position here, and I feel it woodent be loweriu myseffa bit to go wid you. Ef you will name de ship you intend goin in, I will do my bess to honor it wid my kumpany. •■' Yours mitysiok, " Peof. J. CssAE BUnnibal." To dis note I recebe dis reply : " Prof. Hannibal — Dear Sir — I should be rather pleased than oth- erwise with your company on my intended tour to Europe, as I ma;^ be enabled to extract much scientific knowledge from your 0¥er-stocked brain, on the passage. I intend to sail in the ship " Sunny Side," Capt. Adams, laying at the foot of Pine street. " Truly yours, Ed. of Picayune." De day arter I git dis note I feel mity proud, and I rode doun to de aforesaid ship, and sure 'nuff, I fonnd her 'tirely new frum stem to starn. I crept up de ladder at de side, and ax fur de Captain. A gemmon cum up to me, and ax me what I wanted. " Captain Adams," sez I. " Well, sir, here I am," said the gemmon. " What," says I, " you de Captain ?" You see I wns sprised beyond all bribulashun at his 'pearance. I spected to see him in wite trowsers, wid he shirt hangin ober de top ob dem, wid a tarpolen hat on he hed, and a big spy-glass in he hand, gis like I seed de ship captain in de theatre, dat nite I go dar to study character — and on seein him widout THE RESOLUTION. 33 1 no big whiskers, nor spy-glass, nor tarpolen, put gis dressed np in close like shore pepils, it stonished me, and I looked at him wid all de eyes I had in my hed, and specks too. As soon as I recubber myseff a little, I made de obserwashun dat I wus glad to find him a desendent frum de fuss family. Dat de Adams wus de fuss on record on spectability. He smiled, and sed " Yes." Dat kinder made us familiar, and I ax him ef I cood hab a passage on bord his ship, as an old frend ob mine and de fun lubbin public, wus a gwane wid him, and I'd like to see Jorden wid him. " We can give you a steerage berth," sed de Captain. "De steerage," sed I, " dat muss.be in de hind part ob de ship, nie unto where de nlan stands dat steers ship, arn't it ?" " Not zackly," sed he, as he turned to de cook, a young cullard man, and ax him to show me de steerage. I soon cum to be 'quainted wid de cook^he herd ob me ofin — so I eluded to bunk wid him on de woyage. We went all ober de ship, and I found de royal poop deck in de rite place. De jib-boom w^us dere too, and so wus de royal top gallan main sheet. De sknddin sail booms war all dar also, and dar wus de bow-split a stickin rite out like Horace Greeley's principles. De hen-coop was rite, too. De main jib-boom, top sail tenor reefs and cross-sticks war all lashed to de stanupsticks. Ebery ting looked done up as nice as a sore shin in de Hospital — and as I liked de looks ob de hole, kraft, I made a bargain wid de Captain afore I cum away. I told him dat de kommittee wood call and square de yards — I tort I put de .sailor to him at once-. So now, my frens, you pursebe dat it am all fixed, and I sail in bout o.ie week, ef you fellers don't back out wid de money. 15 338 BLACK DIAMONDS. Afore I go, let me warn you all how you behabe your- seffs — don't luff me find, when I cum back, dat you all bin raisin de debbil, and brakin tings bout.toun. Do keep abuve sich tings, luff de wite trash do it, but you keep out ob scrapes. Ef it am de Lord's will to send me back to yon, I will hab more to tell you den all de gossip eber had. I shall see Mrs. Cobugg, de Queen ob de British — and all de Lords and Ducks, and de rest ob dem fellers in red welwet cloaks, wite fedders and flowin ribbons, and yellow high bootes wat we see in de theatre. DeuT^ shall cross de canal ober'dar, and see de frog-eat- ers and de soges. I'll- go see Mons. King Napoleon, at de fooleries, or Tnlteries (gis which eber you like), den I'll see de fields ob Elishea, and all dem tings. Folks pear to tink I shall hab difucalty in gittin along in Paris, on count ob de language, but I don't fear it, as I noe sebril French die- lect, ef not more — so you needent be trubbled bout me on dat count. I recebe sebril inwites to cum to tea, frum sum ob de sis- ters, all ob. which I will tend to ef ole John R. Rheuma- tism will let me. Ob corse I want dis letter read to de kongregashun, and as I shall frum time to time rite you pistols frum abroad, I may as well on dis caishun, pint Brudder Samewell Ledder- pate, who kan rede and rite, to rede dem to you frum de time-honored desk ; he will call a meetin wheneber he gets a letter. All I kan say in 'clushun am, let de kolleckshun succede. Tours, in Siance, J. C. Hannibal. THE PROFESSOR GOES TO EUROPE. 339 THE PROFESSOR GOES TO EUROPE. packing up of carpet bag his vote ov thanks. Blubbed Sinners — As de ship in which I is to cross de briery deep will start in 'bout a nour wid me on bord, I Oiuss be brief (as Jack de Giant-killer sed to de Giant when he cut off his hed), wid dis letter. In fac, I hab only time to tank you all indiwidually and pussonly, fur de menny kindness and presents bestowed 'pon me. Sebril have sent to me fur my autograph, and I is sorry I habent time to set fur it, or I wood send one to all who mout wish it. Dere hab bin sich a call fur locks ob my har, dat in one week I found my hed sheared as close as a sheep just arter sheerin time — in fact, it's clipped so tight dat I kan scarcely shut my eyes to go to sleep — and one low cul- lard man on de wharf, \^hile I was gubbin orders 'bout my baggage, ax me ef I war trainin fur a prize fite. Dat made me mad, and I sed no more har goes off dis ole hed now bow. So all dem sisters dat dident get no har, hab got to do wid- ont har, fur I muss stop de. rabages to preserbe de crop. It seems dat ebery ting I got, am looked 'pon as a curiosity. Massa Barnum rites to me fur a suit ob my ole close to put in a glass case, in de Museum. I is sorry I onlj' got one suit to my back, or he cood hab it. I happened to hab an ole pair ob boots, which de koogregashun gub me second hand 'bout two yeers ago, and I sent him dem— so you fellers kan look out fur dem. Now you all see de penalty 340 BLACK niA5I0N"nS. ob bein a grate and populus man. Dere am no noein, in case I cood raise a new suit ob clos.e, what my old close wood bring at aucshuu. by de piece. I hab to axknowledge menny presents to make me con- fortable on de woyage. One brudder sends me a big second- hand tin bason, and sez I'll find more need ob it fur de fust week I'm out, den ennything else I got. He accompanies it wid a bottle of brandy, which he ses always follows its use. He tells me in a perlite note not to be afraid ob it, as all temperance societies am null and woid durin sea sickness. I hope de foUowin pussons will except my tanks fur de foUowin tings : Aunty Belcher, fur two bottles ob brandy, a shillin worf ob doe-nuts, and a mince pie ; Sister Florindia Pacilia Gemima Ferningham, fur tree jars ob sweet-meats, two pair of socks, a pocket handkershief, and a jugob root beer ; Sister Kate Lutts fur a dozen biled crabs, and hafif a dozen biled eggs wid salt. Sister Rosemary Prenalla Childfield, fur twenty-five fried clams in a carpet-bag. Brudder Pete Clawson fur a dog, a pound ob crackers, and a jewsharp. Brudder Hyatt, de shirt man, fur a blue, red, and wite ruffle shirt, to 'pear afore de Queen in, also a wite neck-cloth to wear on dat 'portant 'caishun. Sister Bets Green fur a bushel ob raw clams in de shell. I antisipate much luxery wid dem when I git in de gulp streme. And lass, doe not least, my tanks am due to' sum stranger who sends me a kork screw, a bottle of Mustang Liniment, a box ob pills and sura syrup of sassafarillay, sasagefax, and gum humfry root fur de rumatism. My lastin tanks am also dew to Brudder Elemuel Gusta- FIRST EPISTOl. FROM 'UROFE. 341 Tus Porkfoot, fur de fine toof comb and razor strap he sent by male frum Boston. Dats, all I belebe I got to be tankful fur in dis world frum frens. I hab berry little time left now to say nofin to you 'bout your latter ends. I is gwane away now, and I hope when I cum back, to be as well agin as possible. All de siteg I see, I will tell you about, so dat -de lite ob siance and universal nolege will shine in your dark paffs tru life. Now, all be good children, and recollect dat de Almighty am de fadder of ns all, and see dat you do a child's duty to him. Good-bye till you hear frum me frum de odder side ob Jor- den, eder through de spirit-rappers or odderwise. Yours, stepin abord ship, J. C. Hannibal. FIRST EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. ^ 'Uhope, London, July, 1S54. Mt long niglected Flock— I SPECK some ob you, speshily dose who had only a promiscus akquaintance (vid me, begin to tink, by dis time, dat I hab forgotten you altogedder and wasn't neber no more a gwane to rite to you ; but dose dat nose me better nose me best. De reason 9at I hab not epistolized to you befo'e am bekose I bin so bizzy wid de Lords and Ducks, de nobility and sich like, in England, dat I haben't had time to haflf comb my har, luff alone rite to such trash as you fel- lars. When I allow myseff to tink ob de contrass betwene you low wite and black commoners obber dar and de pepil I Bwasheate wid here, my nose inwolentarily turns up as much as its flatness will permit. I don't noe dat I shall 342 BLACK DIAMONDS. ebber come back to you agin, for I lede a berry different life here to what de scrapins ob de sasser wood allow me to hum. I speck to git a wite wife afore de winter's obber, for mind I call you, a darkey am considered some in dese dig- gins ; but I will splain dat fac in a future period, and as I is commenced to write to you, I may as well as not begin at de beginnin' ob my ^o'age and splain tings as I got long. Well den to begin. You all nose when I left de warf on de 19 ob April, just as de bell in de soup house rung for dinner. Well, we bore down de bay as cheerful an& as light as a butterfly in de sunshine. De passengers war a talkin wid dere frens on de poop deck, who war gwane to see dem off, and lebe dun at Staten Island. De stars and stripes whor a flyin' at de stearn. De pilot was a gubbin orders to de man at de big weel what's fast to de seller door, a swingin' on behind to turn de ship round wid. De captain was a pullin' off his go to meetin cloze and a puttin' on a free dol- lar and a half suit. De mate was arrangin' de watches Qb de crew — so de steward sed — but I didn't see not one watch 'mong de hole ob dem. De steward was bizzy gittin up dinner, and I sat alone on deck. No frens come to lebe me at Staten Island, and put me to de 'xpense ob a dinner on bord — so defe I sat cogitatin and foolosifizein. Putty soon all de wite folks set down to dinner, and all ob dem eat and drink all dey cood, and gub toast 'bout " safe return" and all dat sort ob ting. While dey was eatin' "New York, begin to grow smaller and smaller, fust de men on de , warf turned into boys and de horses to dogs, den de fust fell to babies' and de odder to poodles ; den de steeples an^ de masts ob de ships at de warfs all begin to git muxed up togeddir as tick as ingin meal in a hoe cake ; den it all begin to go duwn in de water, and it gradually sunk in de bay wid only here and dere a steeple dat stuck up like a big handle FIRST EPrSTUL FR.IU 'l'ROPE. 343 for some big giant to pull de city up again wid. All d|js time we was bein' towed wid. de tugg, not a sail had been stuck out. After dinner de tugg come long side and de frens jumped abord, some a lafBn, some a cryin, and some as grabe as an owl full ob huckelberrys.. Soon as de tugg was gone, de steward ax me in de caboose to dinner, but my heart was too full ob good-bye to eat, so I took my seat near de car- buncle, and kept under de American iag (where all good men can set down in peace) and watched de movement ob tings all round me. Now de captin was up to he eyes in biziness. He stood on de poop and sung out to de men to luff go de royal stilyards, hellyards and tanyards, and splice •de main brace ; den be wanted all de royal top balance sails set, and de^ he gub dem orders to squar demseffs. All dis time de hind quarter and de fore quarter ob dB ship was a tryin' dere best to see which cood dire -deepest in de water and go up de highest in de air ; at fust I tort it was fun, and tort de bows had de best ob it, when I noticed dat de sides ob de ship had commenced de same game, and den it was down stern to up bows, and down bows ^nd up stern, for ebber so long. Presently my watching de fun kinder made me dizzy, and putty soon de stripes on de iag begin to blow like a corkscrew, and de stars seemed to snap and crack, and it seemed to wind itseff around my head till 1 coodn't hold it up no longer. T sung out for my frind de steward, who said I was sea-sick, but I node better, and I told him so ; he, howeber, helped me to my birth and a tin pan, both ob which I clung to wid eagerness. I can't tell you zackly how I felt, but I tort at one time dat my stomjack had been turned into a swill barrell and somebody was a stirring it up wid a long stick, which stick was in my troat and I coodent git it up. If enybody had jis den picked me up by de heels and a quietly trade me ober-bord, I wood say nofin but, 344 BLACK DIAMONDS. " tank you, sar." I liab heerd ob fellers habin tings trowed up in dere teef, and felt > bad bout it — de Lord nose I had nuff trowd up in my teef dat time, and I fplt like trowin up teef and all. I jus come to de 'elusion dat gwane to sea am annodder impersition practiced upon dis community dat I must look into — and I was den in a fair way to look into it and feel into it too. . De fust nite wore away, but de next mornin' it was wuss. About daylight I hear somfin out doors go whoo-whoo vihoo- 00 — flap, flap t went de sails — -creek, squeak ! went de masts dat stick up in de ship, and creake ! creake ! skreem ! s-k-r-e-n .went de old ship herseff, as she begin to rare and pitch like a baukey horse. " What's de matter ?" ax I as loud as I * cood holler. " Lay still, you bloody niggar !" said an ole sailor. " We're m a gale, and want all land-lubbers in bed." Now dere was confusion. De captin run on de poop and sung out, " haul down de main sheets." At dis a young lady in lier berth screacbed out to know if de main sheets war on her bed, and she fainted. Another old lady, when de captin ordered all hands aloft to reef top stalls, begged to be excused as she didn't feel well enough to stir. I stagger- ed up to de hatchway to see whar de danger war, when a wave ob de sea come kersouze all obber me, and floted mo back agin. All de passengers was now heavin, and as if dat wasn't enough, de captin gub orders for de ship to heave too, and she hove too. De hen coop broke loose, and de chickins went to cackilin — de mate went to swarein — de wind howled— de rain fell — de men swore — de captin yelled — and you best believe I wished myseff baCk in Anty Clawson's seller, however humble it mout be. But dere is no use ob my dwellin' on dis disagreeable sub- jick — like everything else, even a bad sermon, it had an end. At last my woyage had an end, and so must my letter dis SECOND EPISTOI. FROM 'UROPE. 345 time. My receptun in 'Uurope, and my short comeins and long-goings, will form a text for my nex. Good-bye. Yours, in de cause ob Siance and Nolage, Julius C^sar Hannibal. SECOND EPISTOL PROM 'UROPE. Sheeps ob my Flock ob de Pole :^- It wus a day in lubly May when I 'ribed in Loudon — it wood a bin like a May day in de States ef it had bin warm 'nnflf, and it hadent a rained all de time ; de sua 'peared to be ashamed ob sich conduct, for he neber showed he face de hole day — I woodent a none from eny xtornal sarcumstances dat surround de horison ob my wision dat it was de twenty-fibth ob May if it hadent a bin for de blessed almynack, dat I always carry for reference to de wedder, and 'how to take ink o^ut ob linen.' Dat good ole book put me riie in spite ob ober coats and numberellers. As our goodly ship neared de city, I found dat my comin ober had bin telegraffed by de under Atlantick line, and dat my hourly expectation was looked for wid impunity. I kinder looked fur some public demonstrashun to be shown me, but, my dear lams, judge ob my surprise wea I hear my approach herelded wid de blazeandry ob cannon from de Naby ships in de downs and all along de channel, till I reach de city. Here I found all de sogers out and flags a flying in all directions. You mout bet your dinner wid safety to your stumjack dat I felt proud ob de compliment and de 'caision, and puUin off my ole wite hat like Jineral 15* 346 BLACK DIAMONDS. Jackson did when he landed by de Battery, I walked in de city in front ob de sogers. I hadent bin walkin dar long befo'e I noticed dat I wus looked 'pon as a queeriosity, like de alagator in the Museum, and putty soon a feller in blue close wid wite buttons, behind a ledder stock, walked up to me under a hat bound round on de ages wid patent» ledder, and sez he to me, sez he : " Your a stranger 'ere, I perceiye, sir, and it mont be you don't know that your a breakln von ob de r.egelations ob de military to be valkin 'ere ; you must come hoff from there or I must take you hoff." " Why, wbo be you ?" I 'dignently axed, " dat you dar 'proach a furrin gemman in dat style — it's next door to a consult !" " I'm number 495, 1st section," answered de man. " Section ob what !" I naterly axed. " Section ob police," said he, as stubbern as a nigger wid de sulks. "Well," sez I, wid all the fire ob'my natur, "your a pretty police to come up and coast me in dis kind ob style — don't you nose me ? Don't yon nose, you nignumrampus, dat I am Professor Hannibal, from ole Warginny, but more recently from New York, in de biggest country on de globe ! Don't you nose," continued I, warming up wid de subjick, and a heaby ober coat, " dat all dis parade, all dis firin, and all dis display ob flags am for me, kase I come to trow lite on de cause ob Sciance, and run down America ? Ef you don't know it afore, luff me dispell your benited ignumrance and tell you dat's de fac !" At dis de feller begin to laff, and sed he hadent the least idea ob it. " I mout spected as^much," sed I, " when I refleck on de ignumrence ob a nashun widout public skules." " See 'ere, my dark friend," returned de policer, " I'm SECOND KPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 341 afraid I'll hev ter hintroduce yer to the keepers of the Lunatick mad house establishment ; you don't seem to be altogether right under the hat." " What makes you tink Ise crazy ?" axedl in'stonishment. " Why, to 'ear you talk sich nonsence as you do, about this 'ere parade, as the firin ob de cannon and the flyin ob the flags, wus all intended for you." " Why, in de name ob all dat is sciantific, wat is all dis fuss kicked up fur, if not fur me, sa-ay, ain't I 'ribed ?" mildly inquired I. " Yy, for hour beloved Queen — you hold fool, don't yer know it's 'er birth day, and it's aller^^ hobserved by a demonstrashun ? And, hold feller, we'd show you a sight as you'd remember to go 'ome and tell, if the harmy wusn't gone hoff to fight the Rushers I" Well, when he told me dat, I felt de staTch go rite out ob my shirt collar, and felt it wilt — I felt as cheap as tree cents a haff a peck, and I come to de 'elusion dat I'd bin sold ; so to end de matter I axed de policer in to take a drop ob " Barclay's entire." He took a quart, and he and I was sworn frens eber sence. He scorched me to a lodgins, and gnb me all de inflammation he cood 'bout tings in general. When I went fur lodgins, de ole lady at fust sed to de policer dat she hadent a spar room in de house, but as soon as she see me she changed her mind. " Are you one ob thim poor hoppressed people Mrs. Butcher Store has so beautifully wrote on, from that bar- berous savage country. North America ?" "Yes mum," sez I, wid an eye to de lodgins, and seein she was one ob de rite kind fur me to lib in klober wid. "* " Well," sez she, puttin on her specks, " in de name ob heaven, 'ow did you git away from them — 'ave you bin beat- en much, or branded wid 'ot hlrons, dolet's look at you." 348 BLACK DIAMONDS. I frankly tole de ole woman dat I wasn't much hurt, and hoped to find a silum under her hospital roof. " You shall. 'ave the best room in de 'ouse," returned she ; " there's honly a poor newspaper editor got it now, and 'e must take the hattiek room till you leave, or he must leave altogether, I don't care which." I tanked her for her preference and due 'preciation ob de cullered man, and was shown to de room. I was not long in unpacking my wardrobe from de crown ob my hat, and makin myseff at home. How de editor and de ole woman settled 'bout de room I neber node, all I heard 'bout it was bout ten a clock de same night. I hear a voice, goin up stairs in big shoes, say — "I'm d d if I'll stand it, to be turned out of my own room for a runaway buck nigger ; I'll show her in the morning 1" Dat's de lass I heard ob it ; ef he did show her its more dan he did heseff, fur he nebber showed heseflf to me. In one day it got noised round de naborhood dat I wus riv, and de letters ob inwatations and de nabors flocked in from all quarters. I had inwite, de fust ting, to lecture at de Eggeaters' Hall in de Strand, de greatest temple ob Abolishunism and Deism in all 'Urope. I got inwite too, from Mrs. Victoria Coburg, de Queen, to wisit her at de Buck ob Dukeinham's Palace in St. Jeemes's Park, all ob which I must refer to my next, kase dis letter hab grown too long already. Gub my lub to Anty Clawson and Cudjo Cowsnout. Remember me to de Sewing Siety, and de Clam Soup Kummittee fur next winter, and don't forgit to pass round de sasser under no sarcumstance whatsomdever. Tours in klbber Julius C^sar Hannibal, S. A. N. Sarcher Arter Nolage. THIRD EPISTOL FROM 'UBOPE. 349 THIRD EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE, BluBED SciPL"ES-r-LAMS OB DE PoLE : De reson dat you hear from me so often am bekase I keep on ritein all de time. When udder shepards come abroad dey always rite home to dar congregation wedder dey got annyting to say or not, an' I don't see but what I . got jis as good a rite to say nuffin in free full f(^ols ob sheet cap as dey has. If enny ob you see annyting you don't jis zackly like in my letters, why you know you can lebe de congregation and make all de noise wid your big feet you kin on goin out. Who cars for dat. You needn't tink to put a bridle on my tongue for no sich sallary as de sassar affords me. Dar, you got it now — chaw pon it and if you don't like, spit it out. When I luff off in my last pistole to you, I was in logins. De next day, I started to go and find de man dat hires de close in which furriuers hab to dress up to be presented at kort. Well, arter sarchin up and down de treet and gittin' a haff a dozen policers to read de kard wid de adress 'pon, I at lass found de place, de man, and de close at de same time. De gemmou war berry perlite and I found no dificulty in flttin my shape. Kort dident set dat nite, or in odder words, Mrs. Coburg, de Inbly Queen dident recebe company till free nights arter ; you see kort sets wid de gentry in de nite time, so I made 'a rorntact wid de gemnion to send de close to my logins so I cood dress up dar and go up to de Duckingham Palace in full glory and a handsome cab. He said I must present my 350 , BLACK DIAMONDS. ^letters ob introcumducshun, if I had etiny to de nobility, before de nite in dispute. So when I got home I looked 'mong my crimdentals and dar I fouud two, one from de kommittee to de Lord High Chandiler — de man what fur- nishes de Palace wid can\iles, and one to de Areb Beship of Cranberry, and as neider was sealed I took de liberty ob readin em ober afore I took em to de gemmon. As some ob you may not hab met wid ^ kommittee afore I started, and derefore cood not had hurd it, I will send you a copy ob one dat all may noe what perfect bricks dat kommittee New York, April 10, 1854. Rev Gkand High Arch Beship ob Ckanbeery. Dear Sur — Allow us, de kommittee on de hole, to induce to your faber and table, our dearly belubed and highly 'steam- ed shepard Prof. Julius Caesar Hannible, who hab labored dese fibe years in de kans ob siance and transgression. You am no dout fully quainted wid his Lectures by dis time, and noe how hard he hab labored to dispel de cobwebs ob ignum- rance from de inner chamber ob de darkened intelleck ob mankind. He hab worked so hard in de kaus, dat he hab worn out two desks wid his fist, and de fird am now quakin in de seams. Dis labor ob lub, ob corse, yov, will 'predate. De kommittee trusts dat yon will xkuse dem for sendin de Professor to you, but noein you to be de hed ob de church and de wite gown fellers, and feelin you must take an interest in siance, we pack him up direct to you, hopin you will induce him to de Queen, Prince Albert, and de r6st ob de Royel Family. If you could pervail on him to Lectur before de Queen she wood be ready to -say wid us dat he am sum pumpkins. Hopcin when he dines wid you dat you will see dat he don't git drunk (for it disagrees wid THIRD EPI6T0L FROM 'UROPE. 351 him awfully), and you may enjoy piece and felisity, we subscribe ourseffs your humble servants. ■ Bros. Pete Clawson, Sam'l Lederpate, Lem Flatsmeller, Clem Green Spreadfoot, George Augustice Brown Tomkins Hale OowsNoni, Samuel Mark Antoney Lafatette Smith 'Ltjtts, Jr., George Washington Benton Napoleon Pitt Solomon Sampson Lee, Sisters, Anty Jemimy Clawson, Ploeinda Percilla Squashem, Arabella- Florintine Lutts, Sokey Ann Davison, Sally Jane Rawdun, CONSTANTENIA EpHRATUS BeECHER AnN LoNG- HEEL (darter ob Anty Rachel Longheel, ob Babalon,-L. Hand). De truff hab better come out, as de Judge sed to de teaf, and I is willin to admit afore eny jury dat I war mity proud when I read dat letter. When I finished it I jumped into a cab and took, it to de Arch Beship myseff, and as soon as he read my kerd he was " hat 'ome," so do feller in breeches and a peck flour on he bed tole me at de doe, I found de Arch Beship in a black gown and his studdy ; studdy was de name on de do'e ob de room he war in, ^nd dats de way I node it. De Arch Beship was berry kind and talkatif He was ebedently pleased wid de letter, kase he laff rite out in two or tree grins at a time, and when an 352 BLACK UIAMU.N'DS. Arch Beship laff you may bet your pile dar am sumfia ia de wind. I speclfted lie wood ax me 'bout church matters, and I was berry nerbus, kase all de church matters I nose am 'bout de bill due de carpenter for shinglin de skule house were I lectured on Long Hand lase summer; but I was glad nuff to hollar rite out loud in de house, when he sunk de church and spoke 'bout the general prodick ob de country. " I understand," obserbed de Beship, " all your lectures, except your allusion to a peculiar kind of soup which you seem to be very partial to, and which you might naturally expect at my table ; but which I could not pur- chase, the materials being unknown in this country, and it has caused me much anxiety." "What kind ob soup was it sar ?" ax'd I, 'sposin I had mentioned some new kind ob soup some time which I met somewhar. " Clam soup,'' said he. " Is it any better than ox-tail or Muligatawny ?" " Oh yes, indeed," sez I. " If de children ob Israel Put- nam, when dey war in de wilderness 40 days, hab only had a few hundred clams, tings would hab been better widdem." " Where do dey grow ?" ax he. " All long shore," sez I, " and dar am two kinds, de soft shells and de hard shells." ■" Oh, I'm very glad you have called upon me,'' said de Beship, quite animated, "for you have elucidated a point upon which I have been bothered for years. I did not know what the American papers meant by 'Hards' and ' Softs,' and was foolish enough to suppose that they were the names of two political parties ; but now I see they simply have reference to the peculiar shell of the clam. Am I right ?" " Oh yes, indeed," sez I, " you see de lublers ob de FOURTH EPISTOL FROM 'L'ROPE. 353 ' Softs ' am opposed to de lublers ob de ' Hards,' and dar de fight begins and ends. Be bess people take sides; Presi- dent, Senator, and Congressmen, am all in de clam ring." " Dus de Presemdent go fur de hards or de softs 1" axed he. - " Dats nebber bin found out,'' sez I. De ' softs ' claim him, but de ' hards ' say he's only foolin dem — dat he's a hard all ober." We set and tanked morn a nour on de tings in de States, and I poured all de information I cood into his hed, which I trust will be ob use to him. At lass he 'vited me to stay to dinner, which, arter a few persuashun, I did, but I kant tell you no more in dis 'pistol, kase I use up all de paper. Gub my lub to all requiring frens. POTJRTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPB. My Beluded Lams and Sheeps : ■I SEXD you anuudder 'pisle frum de Inglish side ob Jorden, and in doin so agin I resure you ob my lub and proteckshan. You may some ob you hab nuff stuff in your hed to recomlect dat in my fuss 'pisle to you I kinder skofi'ed at de idia ob my comein back to you, and you may recom- member too dat I hinted hke a broad-toed kick 'bout luggin in a wite wife. I can only tell my deah sistern, in order dat dar mines may rest easy in de tin-panum — as we say in Latin — ob de hed, dat I was only speckelatin, and dat dar am no truff in de rumor. I'd just gub all dat may come in de sasser to-nite to Stime charity institushun, if I was only in de midst ob you, behind dat ole desk a jTOundin de true nolage ob siance into your coconuts agin ; but while I is here, like • Mr. Napoleon Bonny-part was at de Hand ob Elbow, in xile, 354 BLACK DIAMONDS. why I can ouly rite ob tiugS I see till de happy hour comes when you send me 'fishent funds to satisfy de crawins ob de human natur in de brests ob de sea captins — so dey will bring me home high and dry. I luft off whar I stoped in my lass 'pisle. You luff me I belebe at de Arch Beship ob Cranberry's, a taukin to him on a confab 'bout hard clams. Well, to- curtail de ting as de man did when he bit the pup's tail off, I dined dar on a dinner dat wood make a Kew York Alderman good natured for a week, and arter dinner I got his jaomisc to induce me to de Queen's kort on de foUowin nite. Accordinly on de followin ebeilin, de close from de feller I tole you all 'bout who hires dem tings, come, and as good luck wood hab it, he sent a feller along to dress me up. Arter two 'ours hard dressin I war reddy — de only ting 'bout de close dat I didn't like was de fack ob de caffs ob de tites being on de rong side for me. It war right behind when de fullness ob my caffs am on de outside ob de leg — some pepel's caffs am in de hed. As soon as ] war reddy I flung myseff into a cab and . off I started for de Buck ob Dukeingham's Palace. I rung at de doe and de Royal High Waiter luff me in as soon as he read my letter from de Lord High Arch Beship. I had a long train ob royal high fellers to pass in de hall. Dere was a feller in purpil welwit wid flour nuff on his head to feed a young family a day. In fack, dey all went into the flour, and in my pinion, dat's one ' reson flour am so high — kase you know de ole sayin in de Almack, dat a wilful waiste makes a wofull want, and if dat aint a wilful waiste ob flour, den my calkalatin apperatus am out ob de siferin book. I ax'd de royal high waiter who de fat feller jis named was ; he tole me he was de royal high Buttler to de Queen. He looked more like a Royal High Beef-eater to de Butcher. Well, as I passed on^ I FOURTH EP13T0L FKOil 'UKOPE. 355 incountered de Royal High Boot-black to Prince Halbert, be Royal High Knife cleaner, de Royal High Footman, do Royal High Coachman, and he was a Royal high feller, 6 foot 6 in he stockins. Dere were sebeval Royal High odder fellers stowed round de hall, who, looked as if dey held a sitewation to drink all de beer dey cood, and see how much de institushun ob mankind will carry about wid dem wid- out fallin iu de gutter. Presently I war ushered into a big room, which beats all de gold and fixins I ebber did see, sich paintin, gildin, looken glasses, gold furniture, gold chairs, gold sofas, gold tables, gold shandilers, wid more den ten tousand lites in dem, and gold ebberyting all pber. When de door opened de lite and shine come out hke a flash ob lightnin on a gooseberry bush. It was so bright it made me wink my eye,' at which an old lady, who was a lookin at me, smiled and put her fan up to her face. She was de Royal Dodger, or Dowger, or somfln like dat. All de, fel- lers in de hall, and in fack, all in de room stared at me as if dey dident nebber see a cullerd man afore, and I gess dey dident in dese close and in dis place. Mind I ^11 you, I wanted to back out as bad as ebber a rat wid his nose in a trap ebber did in he life. But it war no use; I'd put myseff in de close. I'd begged and todied to get dar as much as enny odder republican ebber did, putty near, and I was bound to blaze for once. When I got fairly into de room, I was astonished to see de pepil. Dere was de Lord High Chemberlin, who has charge ob all de chambermades. Dere was Lord Derby, , de one who was named arter de celebrated race boss by dat name, Dere was de Chandiler, de candle-maker dat I spoked 'bout in my lass. Dere was sogers in ebbery kind ob beauful close, and dere was rambassadors from ebbery country, in gold and broidered close — some wid wigs and some -wid not. Near me sat de Duchess of Sunderland, 356 BLACK DIAMONDS. " Uncle Tom's " friend, and soon as she seed me, she ax all 'bout Mrs. Haireyt Butcher Stowe and Uncle Tom. She tole me dat de high cheer and gold fixins in one corner ob de room was de trone, and dat putty soon her Royal Highness wood enter tended by her mades of honor. While I was waitin for de show to come off, I ax de Dutchass who all de different folks was. She node em all. Dere was nuff Lords, DukeS, Barrens, Dutchasses, and Lord# Highs, to keep a nation poor for ten senterys. Dey all bowed to me as dey passed, and if I dident spread nsyseff dat time den I don't noe how its done — dats all. Dere was a Royal High band on a big shelf fenced in wid gold bars in one corner ob de room, and dey played " God sabe de Queen," and odder libely airs, but not one darkey tune did dey noe. I pitied dar ignumrence, but it war best, for jia as sure as dey a started a jig dese ole legs ob mine wood hab begun to break down in spite ob de debil heself. I felt jis like it. I had to wait a berry long time before de Lady Queen made her appearance, and you fgllers will have to wait a wflek befoe I tell you how she looked or did, kase dis 'pisle am too long now. I larnt de most ob de Lords and Dukes names present, and if you behabe youscffs I'll send you a list, for it will be handy in namiu de babies as dey come young into de world. You best belebe, I'm in high company now. De Dutchass ob Sunderland hab wited me to dinner, and I'm a goin — sure ting. Now, my stingy frens, open your hearts and pockets when de sassar comes to you for me, for mind me, it takes all I can rake and scrape to lib here. I kind a feel abub habin de sassar now a days. When I get home I'll see if somfia more restarckte,, as we say in French, can't be found fur do • purpose. FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 357 FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'TJROPE. Bkuddern Blebers : — If ole Miller hadent a found out jis zactly when dis world was a guane to be destroyed and burnt up like de tin- der in de tinder box, a man ob common sense would Natur- ally spose dat it was bilt to lass for ebber. When you cum to zamon de foundation 'pon which it am construed, it wood 'pear to enny body wid an idia abub a noyster butcher, dat it were made a purpose to stand. Wedder ole Miller am rite or not, de folks ober here, speshly dose dat lib in Dukeingham's Palace, seem to tink it am ^ood for a few years yet, and hab made 'rangements 'cordingly. Sich pep- peratious for libin and fixin up to stay I nebber did see, as is fully apparent on ebbry hand fruout de emens Palace. Dese solid bits ob reflexshuns crossed de horiseu ob my mind as I set by de side ob de Dutchass ob Sunderland awaitin for de Queen and her train to enter de room. You willrecomlect dat you left me a settin dare at de close ol? my lass 'pistle. Well, arter settin dare 'bout a nour, de door ob de anty chamber wus opened, and de lord high cham. bermaid rushed in, in close, so tite dat he coodent laff, and raisin a wite stick wid a gould ball on de end ob it, he turned red in de face wid de effort, but he cood only get out two werds, and dem werds was — " De Queen." As soon as he sed dat, dere was a buzzin in de room, like stirrin up a nest ob bumble bees — fans clattered, silk dresses rattled, laces fluttered, handkerchiefs flourished, and all rose to dar fe«t as de grand cortage, or cordage — I forget which am ritsr- 358 BLACK DIAMONDS. entered de grand hall, which I discribe to your darkened intellecks lass week. . > De fast dat come in wus de lord hie chambermaid, a flou- rishin de stick afore mentioned ; den come twenty ladies, dressed in wite and colored frocks, a walkin two by two, arm in arm ; dey had nofin wid dem but fans and poker- hankerchiefs. Dey war de Royal high grand arch nose- wipers to de Royarfamily. Rite a behind dese she fellers come Prince Albert Coburg, lookin like a Dutch hurrah, arm in arm wid de lubly Queen ; and den come four ladies wid touls oh dere arms, a holdin up de Queen's trail ; dey war high arch wipers to all de royal family too. Arter dem cufQ all de royal children, all washed and dressed up as if it wer de Forf ob July ; den followed some more wipers and washers, and den nobody else. As soon as de pesession com- menced to mobe in de room, de band up on de big shelf be- gin to play, and all de pepil jined in de train, walked round de room tree times, to show dere close and wigs, den we all opened rite and leff, and luff de Royal /amily 'proach de trone, where Her Majesty took a seat and a pinch ob snuff. Den all de folks bowed to de Queen, den to each other, and goe'd and set down agin. De Prince took his stand along side her Majisty, wid de snuff box. De Queen don't like him to mingle wid de ladies at kort, kase he am sich a debil ob a feller 'mong dem, and dey sich debil ob fellers 'mong him too. She keeps him berry close to her apron strings, and for all dat dere am more young Alberts runnin round London den wood fill a meetin house. As soon as the Queen was cleverly seated and all de Royal hie arch fellers had taken their stand cordin to Hoilc, de presentations begin — ebery body was introcomduced to de royal hie arch chambermaid, and he, introcomduced dem to her royal hleness. All de furrin rambassendoors was FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'UEOPE. 3i3 toted up and kissed her hand and fell back ; and bom by it come my turn ; iqy heart fluttered like a washerwoman's day's work on de line in Desember, but I node I hadent done nofBn bad 'sept dressin up in dese close, and I plucked up my fitein apperatus and wid de Dutchass ob Sunderland on de one side, and de hie arch Beship on de odder, I walked up as bold as a sheep to a bunch ob clober. As I mobed up de room more den a hundred eye glasses took good aim at Tne, and de Queen herseff leveled a pair at me dat must hab cost more den fibe dollars. Arter takin a good look at me, de Royal hie arch chambermaid told her my name. She knowed me at once, and said she was a constant reader ob my Lectures in de N. Y. Picayune, and complimented me bery hiely on my great nolage ob Science and wonderful sence ob human nature. She complained 'bout not gettin de paper regular, and gabe orders to de lord hie arch Stewat ob de Palace to pay me 4 shillin English money for a year's subscribe to de paper. She'll be sure to see it certin sure in future. I speck de Picayune folks will be mighty prowd ob dis fac. Arter axin me many questions 'bout my future corse in futurity, she induced me to all de children and do Prince ; den I kissed her hand,like de rest ob de crowd, and I fell back into obscurity to let a fat Dutch woman take my place. As I fell back I seed a-door open to an ajoinin room, and I seed a long table filled wid 'freshments, and folks a goin into em like a hungry crowd at a poor-house. I meg- itly boged for dat room, and de way I laid in a supper and shampain was a kaushun to big eaters. Arter eatin and drinkin my full, I leff tru a different hall to what I entered, and I wer bowed out by at least a dozen big wigs and broad taild coats. I felt a little dizzy when I got to de treet, and I called a cab and told de cabman to dribe me home tru Hide Park. I got in de cab and off it roH'd. Dats de lass 360 BLACK ■ DIAMONDS. I node till I felt almity cold. I woke up and tort I bin a dveamin I was in de ole ship, and fell ober bord ; and sure nuff I found myseff up to my neck in water. De darned drunken cabman had upset me in de lake. He had dumped me in and luff me to drown, for he was gone. You may bet your lass shillin dat I hollered sum. My hollerin soon brot a policer, and arter gettin a rope, fibe odder fellers, and a long hook, dey got me out ; but I was in a putty pickle. De man's close, wid all de gould 'broidery on dem, was spiled, and I stood dar as mad as a lunitic assilam. De police war gwane to take me into de stashion house, but on splainin tings, and dey findin outwAo I was, dey gotanodder cab and took me home, when I treated all bans and went to bed. When I woke up in de mornin I found I hadent slept none all night, and all I dreamed 'bout was swinimin, Queens, shampain, police, station-house, Dukeingham's Palace, andsich tings. I cotch a mity cold dat so stoped de diagram ob de troat dat de borax woodent work, and I cood hardly speak in de morning for de broun critters in de oil factory canal. Dar, now, you got my-sperence 'mong de nobilty andsich like— see dat you lay de moral ob it all to de flatterin unshun ob your soles, and hurry up de funds to bring me home. Good by on dis side ob Jorden— de poor ober here find it a hard road to trabell indeed. Julius CjEsae Hannibal. SIXTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 361 SIXTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. Indtjlgint Dissiples : As de worm feedef on de ole chese, so does you feed and grow fat 'pon de nolage I send you. Your inquest for me to go to de French nation hab bin complied wid at last accounts, and here I is in Paris full ob French soup, sower wine, and gratitude for bein here safe ober'.dat nasty Chan- nel. Mabe some ob de fellers dat aint studded nabigation in particulor and gografy in general don't noe what de Channel luded to in de text am. I stop de main train ob my 'pisle to liten dem. De Channel am an arm or leg ob de sea, dat hab by some axcident during, a heaby rain, or de flood mabe, got away up mong a dozen bilen springs, dat continuaj^j^ biles up like an ole drudge, among a lot ob hills, belongin to John Bull on de one side, and Prance on de odder. It biles so strong dar dat de big iron ship dat took me across was tosted 'bout like a fedder on de end ob a blow-pipe. Ebbry body, man and hoss, was sick goin ober, but like pullin teef, it war soon done. Two hours fotched me across and all my insides up. One ole dog wid a fat man, or a fat man wid a dog, I mean, was berry sick, but he stuck on deck like tar to a darkey's heel. De Captain looked at him kind a sorry, from under a pair ob toof-bfush eyebrows, and opened his big whiskers in de middle an sed to de ole fat feller, " Be of good cheer, my hearty, you'll be better as soon as you reach the pint yonder." " Retch a pint," sedde ole feller ; " why, Captain I've retfflied a quart already !" As soon as I ribed in Paris, I coodeut say nuffin to nObo- 16 362 BLACK DIAMONDS. m dy, ebery ting was so Frenchy. De fust ting dey did was to excruciate me fully to see if my face compared wid my passpot. De sogers eyed me from bed to foot, and dey all bowed as ef dey had a double-barrelled hinge in de middle ob dere backs, and luff me pass on. I tink from de fuss dey made wid' me, dat dey must hab taken me for Fustin Trow- sers de One, Emprior ob Hitietite De fust ting I did arter gitten fru de Custom House(I don't like de customs ob dat house, no how), was to find my way to a eatin house. As soon as I sat down a waiter come to me wid all de grace ob a grasshopper stepin ober a newly plowd field — den my trubble wid de tongue begin. De waiter understand jis nuff English to put him to sleep, so sez I, " Hab you eny soups?" "We we 1' sez he ; " ze soup am ze potash." " No 1 no !" sez I, " not potash soup, some odder kind ; wat you got ?" He handed me de programe ob de wittels, and dar I found out dat soup means potage. Dey had all kinds ob em — dar was "-Potage de Tartar," made frum de juice ob tar barrels, I spose ; and dar was " Potage de Nigre," made out ob boiled niggers, I speck ; so I turned from de page ob soups, arter lookin in wain for clam soup, in disgust to de more solid, and I begin to spell 'em out, and afore I node it I had absolutely grown humped back, busted my shirtcollar all to slivers, and split my bess trowsers, in tryin to makeout de crooked names; so I fell back and called for pork and beans, but not a pork had dey — dey dident noe him — so radder dan not starbe to deff, I jis pinted to de fust ting on each page ob de list and I got a fust rate dinner ; tru it was cooked up so I Coodent tell wedder I was a eatin frogs, rats or chickens, but I tort " notin wentured notia got," and went in. When I was full I feel better toward mankind in general, and French cooks in particiflar. De bustin ob my shirt SIXTH JJPISTOL FROM 'UEOPE. 3te_ collar and its radder siled condition rendered it hiely con- sniptions dat I shood hab a new one afore I went to see Lewis 'Napoleon, to whom I had letters ob deduction ; I seed shirts in de shop winder, so I boged in and I^pantomi- micked to de feller (who seemed to be strung on wires) behind de counter, dat I wanted de shirt. He looked as wild as a hungry hauk at me ; he dident noe wat I ment, and here I made the orful discubery dat insted ob my wearin a shirt all my life, I hab bin wearm a shimmeese. At home you noe only de far sex indulge in tings ob dat name, but in Paris ebbery man and woman wars de shim- meese, but de he-shimmeese am made jis de same as ober dar, and so am de she-meseese. Arter I bied de shimmeese I ax for a hotel, and I was 'sprised to find dat ehberybody's house was a hotel, so it was easy findin one. Thither I went and kinder slicked up a little to go and see Napoleon Lewis. At fust I was kinder fritend at de soger mans dat swarm de treets, and den arter I got ober dat, I had to laff at deir trowsers. Dey'm fust r.ate pants to steel apples in, I tell you ; dey'm big nuff round de seat and legs to hold a bushel ob taters, and so tite at de bottom dat nofin kin fall out ; a feller mite carry nuff provishions to last him a week in 'em and noboddy wood noe it. Dese fellers in dese trow- sers am all ober Paris, as tick as crows 'pon a ded boss, and 'bout as bizzy. As soon as I spit on my boots and rubbed dem off wid my toof-brush (dat's a handy- practice in trablin), I call'd a cab and dribed rite off fru de Bull Yards to de " Hotel de Fooleries," whar de Emprior am libin in klober wid he young bride — de women am all arter Lewis — eben Quean Wictoria, de bold ting am 'bout presentin him wid her garter, so he kin judge^ob de size "ob her leg. Dis from de mudder ob sich a brood ob Alberts am hiely sennary. My pisle hab got,go long I muss cut it off here, 364 BLACK DIAMONDS. as de doctor sed 'bout de sore ^eg — and stop. My enter- tainment wid de Emprior and odder tings I must lebe to some prebious 'caison to ypu about in de Picayune. Don't, forgit de sasser, and belebe me as much French as posable. ■Julius C.«sar Hannidal. THE END.