ALBERT R. MANN LIBRARY AT CORNELL UNIVERSITY Sensible etiquette of the best society, 3 1924 014 01 o" 767" The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924014010767 SMTSIBLK BTICPSTITE or THE BEST SOCIETY CUST01S,MAMERS, MORALS, AMD HOME CUIiTURB by HAERIETTA OXNAED WAED, porter" AMD COATES 3T 309502 DEDICATION. TO MY CHILDKEN AND GKANDCHILDEEN, I BKMCATB this compilation, hoping that it may serve as a moni- tor, all the years of their lives, to remind them of the training ot their ehildbood and youth. lu the same spirit, I dedicate it ■> TO ALL YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES, With the hope that some of them may be interested in its pages, as recalling to them the home instruction they have received; for tlie essential rules of good behavior are everywhere the same, although social observances, forms and ceremonies, d.iffer with the customs and habits of different sections of our great republic, as with the various nations of the world in which we live. TO YOUNG MOTHERS, Also, this book is dedicated, with the knowledge that there is much in its pages that will aid them in the judicious training of their chil- dren. Let them not become impatient at finding the same topics touched upon again and again, since it is only in this way that their importance can be fixed in the memory. A celebrated teacher when asked how many, and what, were the requisites for the successful instruction of the young, answered , as did Demosthenes of the importance of action in oratory : ' ' Three : Eirst, repetition; second, repetition; third, repetition." This book is not one to be taken from the circulating library or borrowed, skimmed over, and returned. It contains some of the wisest teachings of past generations as to the importance of forming good manners and correct habits in youth, together with some of the customs and rules that govern social inter- course in the best society of our own generation. ( ^ii ) Vlll DEDICATION. If read aright, it will inspire us to do our share toward "putting down " our faults, instead of trying to " put down " one another ; to do a little toward making all whom we meet happy ; toward making known to the rising generation that " of all the cankers of human happiness, none corrodes with so silent and so baneful an influence as indolence ; that a mind always employed is always happy ; that the idle are the only wrej^ched ;" — that, as the Hindu scriptures teach, virtue is a service man owes himself, and though there were no heaven, nor any God to rule the world, It were not less the binding law of life ; and also that "our Saviour measured souls only by their love, preferring the forgiveness of an injury to a sacrifice." The compiler has executed her task in vain, if the book, glanced over out of curiosity, is returned to the shelf without any of its sug- gestions being carried into practice. Haebiktxa Oxnard Wabd. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE Lbttkrs — Notes — Invitations — Acceptances — Regrets — Opeba-boxes^-Exceptions to General Rules— So- ciety — Solitude — Character, 13 CHAPTER II. X ^ General InstructionsZ-Calls and Cards-Xrules fob Watering-Places-AThb Social Dogberry— Proofs of Good Breeding — Nuisances in Society, ... 50 CHAPTER III. 'r-v Rkcapitulated and Added Rules with Comments — A Sen- sible Proposition — The Ethics op Hospitality — Cads, Slanderers, and Scandal Mongers — Influence of Newspapers — Young America — Aristippus's Philoso- phy, 98 CHAPTER IV. BUKAKFASTS — LuNCHES — LUNCHEONS — TeAS — KeTTLB- J>BUMS — rCURE FOR GoSSIP — SOCIAL PROBLEM^: — GoOD 't- Socibty-^Bad Society — Woman's Mission, . — ^-r 128 (So( CHAPTER V. T)lNNERS — Exclusive Society — The Makers of Manners — Living for Others, . ' 156 . CHAPTER VL" _JbaeBPTloirs— Parties — Balls-/ Young Men under Twbntt- onb^tInfluence of Sisters, 190 CHAPTER VII. Conflicting Authorities and Opinions on Points of Eti- quette, with Recapitulatory Remarks and Comments, 230 _ CHAPTER VIII. ^ Dress — Toilet — Moubninq, 250 X CONTENTS. CHAPTER IX. PAGE Salutations — The Promenade — I ntroductions — Ameri- can Men — Englishmen — Thb Lobreb Type of Women — Selp-Kespect 273 CHAPTER X. Home Education — Company Manners — Genealogy — Requisites for Success — The Test of Nobleness — So- cieties Pin-pricks — Noble and Ignoble Patience — True Education — Life's Shipwrecks, .... 302 CHAPTER XI. Requirements for Happiness in Married Life — The Mar- riage Ceremony, 330 CHAPTER XII. Mixed Society — The Fast School — Difference between Innocence and Virtue — The JVtoTHER's Influence and ^ thi^ Influence OF BSoKs IN Forming Character, -• ^ . 355 CHAPTER Xlll. Chaperons — Customs — Showy Supebficialities^Har- VARD Examinations — Thorough Education — Higher Culture op Women, 383 CHAPTER XIV. Miscalled Education — Want of Individuality — Origi- nal People — Aimless Study — Objects of Woman's Higher Culture, . . • 415 , CHAPTER XV. Dead Laws — Social Reforms-^-Disinterested Lives — Sen- sitiveness AND Sympathy — Love of Approbation — Authors and Critics — Reformers and Leaders, . . 437 CHAPTER XVI. Our Best Society — Its Strength and Its Weaknesses, . 473 -^ CHAPTER XVIL Home Life — The Disciplines of Life— The Life Immortal, 510 Addenda, 549 Appi;ndix, 665 PREFACE. This compilation, made from various authorities upon Homo Culture, Etiquette, and Good Manners, has been arran^d for publication (as if written by one person) with the hope of meet- ing some of the special requirements of our social life. The names of the writers quoted from, where the names are known, will be found in the Appendix. The compiler's attention was first called to the existing need of some uniform understanding of the customs that rule our best society, by an article that appeared in " Lippincott's Magazine," March, 1873 ; by the nature of the local criticism of that essay ; and by an unworthy review of it that appeared in " The New York Tribune." " The Young Lady's Friend," a book revised and edited by the author of the essay referred to, has for years been given as a prize to the graduating pupils in various schools and in Catholic insti- tutions. It is especially designed for the instruction of girls upon leaving school, impressing upon them the fact that they have only begun their education ; that, with the tools which their school course has given them, they must " mould their own ma- terials, quarry their own natures, make their own characters." A journalist, in announcing "Sensible Etiquette," says : "It is announced that a book upon good manners, bearing the above title, is to be issued during the year, as a companion to ' The Young Lady's Friend.' This is what we have been looking for, as we felt quite sure, after glancing over the excellent instructions in the latter volume, in connection with the events which led to its republication, that it has been prepared, in part, for the pur- pose of heralding the way for a second and more complete manual. In short, every line of the introduction, by the au- thoress of 'Unsettled Points of Etiquette,' leads to this conclu- ( si ) Xll PREFACE. sion ; and every page of the book itself inculcates the truth that self-education begins where school education ends, and that, although a parent or teacher may stimulate the mind and mould the manner, each individual must form his or her own character." The compiler of this book willingly acknowledges that "Sensi- ble Etiquette and Home Culture " is the fruit of seed sown by the writer of "Unsettled Points of Etiquette." She has not forgot- ten the nature of the criticism that her predecessor in the same field encountered, and she intends to follow up her compilation with a history* of the anonymous criticism of that essay, which criticism, not pretending to deal with the subject-matter except- ing in the way of misquoting and misrepresenting it, called in gossip and slander to its aid, interpolating fictitious events in the life of the essayist, and catering to the amusement of "the Wen- hams and the Falconers " in her own circle, as well as to the gloating enjoyment of a class that always relishes keenly any attack upon its superiors. If this compilation is to be assailed in like manner, as predicted, and its compiler is to be pilloried, as was the author of " Unset- tled Points," its readers at least will have an opportunity of learning how the book notices of critics are often 'written; ho ' personal ill-will finds vent in pretended critiqims; and how re- viewers, professing to feel their moral responsibility, can contra- dict each other in their reviews. This compilation, then, is given to the public, as a companion to the revised edition, of 1873, of Mrs. Earrar's "Young Lady's Friend;" which excellent work does not profess to take up in detail the various rules that govern intercourse in modern society, although admitting their importance and advocating their use. A knowledge of etiquette has been defined as a knowledge of the rules of society at its best ; but these rules often are not suited to our mode of life, or to our republican society ; and the word etiquette always grates upon the ear. For this reason the com- piler has chosen the title of "Sensible Etiquette," introducing into her work such rules as are suited to a republic, and discard- ing all such as are useless or unsuitable. These rules will be found to facilitate hospitalities and to make social intercourse more agreeable, when all the members of society hold them aa * See " Anonymous Criticism," by Mrs. U. 0. Ward. PREFACE. XIU binding rules, and faithfully regard their observanco. ' Herein lies the most striking point of diiference between the best society in America and the best society in Europe. Unmannerly people are found everywhere, and this century has been called "the century of license in speech .and manners and morals combined : the most unromantic, beastly, and tiresome century of all cen- turies since the birth of Christ ;" but there are certain observ- ances handed down from one cultured generation to another, which are strictly regarded in the best society in Europe, and which even the unmannerly dare not neglect there. In America, many families, who know the importance of these customs, grow careless in their observance of them, because they are so generally ignored or disregarded ; and this neglect gives rise to constant chaflngs and misunderstandings. One suspects another of an intentional rudeness, when it is often ignorance alone which causes the omission or neglect of a duty. The first principles of enjoyment of social intercourse thus violated at the foundation, the entire structure of society becomes insecure. " On manners, refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms of eti- quette, we are forever talking, judging our neighbors severely by the breach of traditionary and unwritten laws, and choosing our lii^iety and even our friends by the touchstone of courtes;'." T§l5ites an English author ; but, as it is well known that there is no subject upon which individuals are more sensitive than that of their manners, no one is courageous enough to speak on these subjects in the presence of those who violate these laws. There- fore, as the polished affect to despise the book of etiquette as un- necessary, those wanting in polish are left to conclude that such books are useless, and that there are no rules that are worth knowing which they do not already know ; while in reality there is no one living who may not be instructed in some points which it is for his advantage to know. It is only when books of eti- quette are themselves ridiculous in their treatment of the subject, that they are held in disrepute ; for we all know that the wise and great, down all the centuries, from Isocrates to Emerson, have not handled the subject of good manners in any way but as one worthy of their consideration and of the attention of all mankina. The Marchioness de Lambert gave utterance to the opinions of the best bred in her time, when she wrote in a letter to her son, "Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary rudeness. Men have found it necessary as well as agreeable to unite lor XIV PKBFACE. the common good ; they have made laws to restrain the wicked 5 they have agreed among themselves as to the duties of society, and have annexed an honorable character to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man that observes them with the most exactness, and the instances of them multiply in proportion to the degree and nicety of a person's honor." In the selection of various customs and observances among the wellbred, in their classification, and in the treatment of other topics which belong to home culture, the compiler has executed her work with the sincerest desire to be of use to tlie young. She will not have labored in vain if she is able to show that it is mis- taken pride and misplaced vanity which leads persons to wish to have it thought that no social nicety is other than familiar and natural to them, when it is an acknowledged fact that no matter how well born or how well trained a youth may be, he muSt ac- quaint himself with the changing customs of the times, if he would not seem to be wanting in knowledge of the world and the ways of the world. Even should the compiler fail in her object, there will still be left to her that consciousness of her desire to benefit the rising generation, which is tne best reward of every well-meant endeavoi in behalf of the young. INTRODUCTORY. " If manners make the man, manners are the woman herself; be. cause with her they are the outward and visible tokens of her inward and spiritual grace, or disgrace, and flow instinctively, whether good or bad, from the instincts of her inner nature. . . . " We can no more mend men by rules than by coercion. We must teach them to mend their manners of their own free will. . . . ..." For my part, I should like to make every man, woman and child whom I meet, discontented with themselves, even as I am dis- contented with myself. I should like to awaken in them, about their physical, their intellectual, their moral condition, that divine discontent which is the parent, first of npward aspiration, and then of self-control, thought, effort to fulfil that aspiration even in part. . . . This is the very germ and first upgrowth of all virtue." — Bky. Charles Kinqslxy. The compiler of this volume is well aware that it is customary upon introducing any work to the public, professedly treating Upon an improvement in manners, to apologize fpr so doing, but she does not consider any such apology necessary. Society has its grammar as language has, and the rules of that grammar must be learned. The word " wellbred " shows us that manner is a thing to be acquired and taught, since it depends upon the breeding and bringing up. Surely those who have been well brought up need no apologies made to them for efforts in behalf of others who are not equally well trained ; and as the ideal of what constitutes true politeness is continually changing (or lather, the modes of showing politeness are continually chang- ing, for the principle remains the same at all times and in alJ places), no one will be found among this class of persons who will be so unreasonable as to object to the revision of old rules, or the setting forth of the accepted code of manners for th* (XV) XVI INTRODUCTORY. present day. Therefore, for such persons no apology is needed ; and certainly where home culture has been neglected, where the daughters and the sons have received no attention in the forma- tion of their manners under the guidance of their parents, they will require no apologies for that instruction which, if they make proper use of, will fit them for the society of gentlewomen and gentlemen. Originally, a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of nobility, wears a coat of arms. This is why the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve with such pride and care the time-stained armorial bearings which their forefathers brought with -them from their homes in the mother country. Although despising titles as many did, and ignoring the rights of kings as supported by their royalist relations, they still clung to the " grand old name of gentleman." Eaee tells in man as in other animals, but it is no longer the only requi- site ; neither will learning and wealth, united with blood, make a man a gentleman, not even though his possessions should exceed those of Croesus. Nor will race, education, and wealth combined, make a woman a gentlewoman, if she is wanting in refinement and consideration for the feelings of others. Men and women of sensitive organizations may possess that unself- ishness of nature and that kindly consideration for others which characterize the gentleman and the gentlewoman, and these qualities may show themselves in such a way as to be mistaken for what some call innate good breeding ; but in reality there is no such thing : good manners are only acquired by education and observation, followed up by habitual practice at home and in society. This, then, is the test, the touchstone that reveals to us the gentlewoman and the gentleman, viz., good manners. It is less distinct in appearance, far more subtle, far more difii- cult to attain than the old distinction ; but in these days, he who does not possess it, even though he has a ducal title, need not expect to be called a gentleman byg«itlemen ; nor can a woman without it aspire to being considered a lady by ladies. No per- son who essays to make this truth understood, need give in ex- cuse of such eftbrts any of the extenuating reasons set down in other works upon the same subject. It is the duty of American women to do all in their power toward the formation of so high a standard of morals and man- ners that the tendency of society will be upward instead of down- INTRODUCTORY. Xvil ■vrard, seeking to make it in every respect equal to the best soci- ety of any nation. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied, and no society can be good where they are bad. " Les hommes font les lois, les femmes font les mcewrs." Here is one field for woman to labor in — a work for her to perform ; one of the mis- sions acknowledged by men even as rightfully her own. Thus can she aid in promoting a branch of that great educational movement which is engrossing the sympathies and prompting the generous labors of so many wise and able thinkers of our time. When the late Charles Astor Bristed wrote : " To a certain extent rudeness is still a characteristic of our people, and down- right insolence not jmfrequently prevails," he gave bold utter- ance to a truth which many have felt, but which few have found courage to utter ; for it does require moral courage of the high- est type to attack the weaknesses and the foibles of mankind- weaknesses and foibles which are shared, in one form or another, by all who possess the birthright of humanity. Dr. Mayo says of a character in one of his novels : " She rather admired a high standard of refinement, and culture, and social morality, but she was not going to put herself out in any way to correct the vices or elevate the tone of society. There was not much of the reformer and nothing of the martyr in hei composition." This is worldly wisdom ; but if society were altogether made up of such women, there would be but little hope for that advancement in refinement which the cultivated look for, or that correction of the errors and weaknesses of so- ciety which the thoughtful and the kindhearted desire. The same writer says truly : " The only excuse for the existence in this country of a set, or sets, pretending to be at the head of social life is, that they really fulfil certain important functions, that they really offer a higher standard of elegance and culture, that they really encourage an improvement in manners, and stimulate the growth and spread of refined taste. This is their only raisoii dPHre. If they do not this, their exclusiveness is an insolent pretension, a contemptible humbug." "When it is admitted that culture is the first requirement of good society, then self-improvement will be the aim of each and all its members ; and manners will improve with the cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of social intercourse is no longer marred by the introduction of discordant elements. 3CVm INTRODUCTORY. Wheu this stage is reached, exclusiveness will no longer seem to be a pretension, a humbug; for those only will be excluded whose education and manners are such as to render them unfit for enjoyment in, and appreciation of, the best society. Good manners are even more essential to harmony in society than is full instruction of the mind and advanced education of its pow- ers, and are as much an acquisition as is knowledge in any of its various forms. Our parents and instructors are not our only teachers ; they do but commence the life-long work in which we perfect ourselves, if faithful to our charge. Our best teachers are the illbred, ibr they hold up to us a mir- ror in which we see how unlovely, how unattractive, women and men can make themselves, when their conduct gives evidence of a want of that degree of self-respect which alone leads men and women to respect the rights and the feelings of others, and to do as they would be done by. The religion of the golden rule is the basis of all politeness— a religion which teaches us to forget our- selves, to be kind to our neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The appearance of so being and doing, is what society demands as good manners. Where differing views are held as to social duties and privileges, where distinctions are made other than those conferred by education, cultivation, refinement, and morality, it is quite true that this Christian politeness, which leads men and women to be strict only with themselves, and indulgent with others, must be dispensed with. The man or woman in such circles whose life is guided by it, is liable to be misunderstood. The wellbred are easy to get along with, for they are as quick to make an apology when they have been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is made. " The noble- hearted only understand the noble-hearted." Impoliteness is very demoralizing, and in a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtlessness of ignorance, or re- miss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule, "Do unto Others as they do unto you," is oftener put in practice than the golden one. As savages know nothing of the virtues of forgive- ness, and think those who are not revengeful are wanting in spirit, so the illbred do not understand undeserved civilities, extended to promote the general interests of society, and to carry out the injunction of Scripture to strive after the things that make for |)eace. . It is good manners which divides society into sets. One set INTKODUOXORY. xix has no breeding at all, another has a little, another more, another enough ; and between that which has none and that which has enough, there are more shades than in the rainbow. Good man- ners are the same in essence everywhere — at courts, in fashion- able society here, in literary circles, in domestic life — they never change ; but social observances, customs, and points of etiquette vary with the age, and with the people. It is in hope of bringing about a better general understanding as to the importance of fulfilling our social duties, that this com- pilation has been made. Dickens showed his appreciation of the superiority of the in- struction given in books over oral teaching, when, in " Nicholag Kickleby," he put in the mouth of the master these words : " Wc go upon the practical mode of teaching, Nickleby. "When a boy knows this out of book, he goes and does it." Carlyle says : "On all sides are we not driven to the conclusion that, of the things which man can do or make below, by far the most mo- jnentous, wonderful, and worthy are the things we call books ? Those poor bits of rag-paper, with black ink on them, wliat have they not done, what are they not doing? Is it not verily, at bottom, the highest act of man's faculty that produces a book ? It is the thought of man, the true thaumaturgic virtue, by which man works all things whatsoever. Of all priesthoods, aristoc- racies, governing classes, extant in the world, there is no class comparable for importance to that priesthood of the writers of books. The man of letters is uttering forth, in such words as he has, the inspired soul of him ; all that a man, in any case, can do. I say inspired, for what we call originality, sincerity, genius, the heroic quality we have no good name for, signifies that. Complaint is often made, in these times, of what we call the disorganized condition of society ; how ill many arranged forces of society fulfil their work ; how many powerful forces are seen working in a wasteful, chaotic, altogether unarranged man- ner On the beaten road there is tolerable travelling, but it is sore work, and niany have to perish, fashioning a path through the impassable " The writer of a book, is not he a preacher, preaching to all men in all times and places? .... "Books persuade men. Not the wretchedest circulating li- brary novel, which foolish girls thumb and con in remote villages, but will help to regulate the actual practical weddings and house- XX INTRODUCTORY. holds of those foolish girls. So Celia felt, so Clifford acted ; the foolish Theorem of Life, stamped into those young hrains, comes- out as a solid practice one day " The writers of newspapers, pamphlets, poems, books, these are the real working effective church of a modern country." Thus Carlyle shows what importance he places upon the teach- ing of books. Placing like importance upon their teaching, the compiler of these pages has endeavored to do her work, feeling that it is of .the highest importance that every one should take pains to be informed concerning the right and the best in social intercourse and usage. This knowledge is not born with the individual ; it comes only with cultivation. Points which to some minds are seemingly unessential, are not so as long as they convey to any minds anything that is wound- ing — like inferiority in station, or premeditated rudeness, such, for instance, as the signing of letters, and the wording of regrets. It is trifles which shade off the points of difference between the various degrees of breeding. Why not then make ourselves acquainted with all these various shades, if it is true that what- ever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well ? These points^ as has been declared, constitute part of what is in the whole no arbitrary and fanciful set of dicta. It is a sequence of logical deductions and applications. Necessities of social life produced conventionalities ; they are the harness in which the race is run. Those who ridicule and defy them, who take pleasure in outrag- ing them, give evidence that they are not accustomed to their observance, and that neither they themselves belong, nor have their ancestors belonged, to the ranks of the most highly culti- vated of their time. The ignorant and the uncultivated are the only ones who undervalue the requirements of good breeding; It has been said that the whole object of these laws is to main- tain the dignity of the individual and the comfort of the com- munity. ^ Their observance takes away the d£sagr£mens that might result from the meeting of people of opposite character and education, rounds off the sharp angles, makes life easy, and allows us to slip easily over all the dangerous places in our views and wishes and experiences which are nobody's business but our own. Obedience to these laws is to social life what obedi- ence to law is in politica' life. Whatever enjoyment we have from society, from that agglomeration of morning calls, break- fasts, dinner parties, luncheons, evening entertainments, pro- INTRO^UCTORT. xxl longed visits, rides, drives, operas, theatres, and all wliich go to make up the business of gay life, and some portion of which en- ters into all life, even the humblest, since the very poorest among us have their gatherings, and enjoy their pleasures— whatever enjoyment we have from this association, and from our daily ex- istence, so far as others are concerned, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole machinery, and keeps every cog and wheel in place, and at its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries all things along comfortably to their consummation. Instead then of re- garding the understanding of these laws as a trivial thing, we should rather look to see if the observance of them will not lead the way to a stiU higher level of life and manners ; for we may rest assured that a fine etiquette, treating every individual, as it does, on the plane of sovereignty, never forgetting his rights and dignities, giving him his own place, and keeping others out of it, making it easy by custom of the multitude to render unto CsBsar, regarding always, as it will be found to do, the sensitive- ness of the most sensitive, destroying the agony of bashfulncss^ controlling the insolence of audacity, repressing the rapacity of selfishness, and maintaining the authority of the legitimate, has something to do with morality, and is an expression of the best that civiUzation has yet done. This is what a writer in " Har- per's Bazar " has most ably said, in a paper that appeared in its columns last winter. Not alone in America is this subject now being agitated, for since the days of the "Spectator," never has there been a time when the most distinguished writers of the day have so turned their attention to the importance of good manners, involving the observance of social laws. Everything that pertains to good breeding and to mental and moral culture, ought to be of interest to all who instruct the young, whether parents or teachers. Emerson says a circle of men, 'perfectly wellbred, would be a company of sensible persons, in which every man's native man- ner and character appeared. This assertion implies that mere training will not of itself alone make the manners good, that they are rather the kindly fruit of refined natures and of culture in past generations. But, even admitting this, do not coarse na- tures, and such as do not possess high transmitted qualities, need all the. more that training, without which they would turn so- ciety into a Bedlam, and make life unendurable to refined mindy XXU INTRODUCTORY. and sensitive organizations? Euskin says a gentleman's first cliaracteristic is that fineness of structure in the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most deli- Gate sympathies. One may say, simply, fineness of nature. And yet, as has already been said, such natures even are not endowed at birth with a knowledge of the forms which have been created for the purpose of taking away the disagreeabilities which result from people of opposite character and training meeting in social Ufe. Calvert says ladyhood is an emanation from the heart sub- tilized by culture. Here we have the two requisites for the high^ est breeding — transmitted qualities and the culture of good train- ing. "Of the higher type of ladyhood," continues Calvert, "may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions. ' At its highest, lady- hood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. Prom the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the difiident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate admonished ; even the rude are con- strained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected ; all spelled unawares by the charm of the flexible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech, and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual ; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains we ever make are spiritual gains^-a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest, the most characteristic acts of a lady, involve a spir- itual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her being and bear- ing, patience, generosity, benignity, are the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness." Here we have the test of true ladyhood. Were tomes upon tomes written upon the subject, what more, what better could be said ? Let the young remember that whenever they find them- selves in the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they arc in the society of pretenders, and not in the com- pany of true gentlewomen and true gentlemen. As in literature talent alone can never make a good critic, inasmuch as genius is INTRODUCTORY. xxiii needed to sympathize with genius, so wellbred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the wellbred. In anything less they are aliens and strangers. Has it ever occurred to any one to picture what society might be, if all who moved in it were gentlemen and gentlewomen— what the earth might be made, if all its inhabitants were kind- hearted— if, instead of contending with the faults of our fellows, we were each to wage war against our own faults ? There is no one living who does not need to watch constantly against the evil from within, as well as from without, for, as has been truly said, " a man's greatest foe dwells in his own heart." The les- sons of life are never learned until life is ended ; the victory over self is never gained until the mortal becomes immortal. This is why Life is called a school, and Sin and Sorrow its teachers. It is a great work, that of self-improvement, self-culture. Miss Shirreflf, writing of the higher education of women, says : "So long as essentials are never lost sight of, let us add as many more graces of high culture as time, or means, or occasion may permit. " It is with these graces of high culture that we now have to deal in the following pages ; which pages, like those that pre- cede them, are but little more than a compilation from the various authors whose names will be found at the close of this work. Euskin tells us, "All men who have sense and feeling are being continually helped ; they are taught by every person whom they meet, and enriched by everything that falls in their way. The greatest is he who has been oftenest aided ; and if the attain- ments of all human minds could be traced to their real sources, it would be found that the world had been laid most under contribution by the men of most original power, and that every day of their existence deepened their debt to their race, while it enlarged their gifts to it. The labor devoted to trace the origin of any thought, or any invention, will usually issue in the blank conclusion that there is nothing hew under the sun ; yet nothing that is truly great can ever be altogether borrowed ; and he is commonly the wisest, and is always the happiest, who receives simply, and without envious question, whatever good is offered him, with thanks to its immediate giver." NEWPOKli Sensible Etiquette OF THE BEST SOCIETY. CUSTOMS, MANNERS AND MORALS, AND HOME CULTURE. CHAPTER L liETTEKS— NOTES — rNVITATIONS — ACCEPTANCES — BEGKETS^ OPERA-BOXES — EXCEPTIONS TO QENEKAL EULES — SOCI- ETT— SOLITUDE — CHARACTER. " No talent among men hath more scholars and fewer masters." " In everything that is done, no matter how trivial, there is a right and a wrong way of doing it. The writing of a note or letter, the wording of a regret, the prompt or the delayed answering of an in- vitation, the manner of a salutation, the neglect of a required atten- tion, all betray to the well-bred the degree or the absence of good breeding." — From the French of Muller. Respect for one's self, as well as respect for others, re- quires that no letter should ever be carelessly written, much less a note. Blots of ink, erasures, and stains on the paper are equally inadmissible. The handwriting should be divested of all flourishes, the rules of punctuation should be strictly regarded, and no capital letters used where they are not required. Any abbreviations of nanle, rank, or title are considered rude beyond those sanctioned by cus- tom, nor should any abbreviations of words be indulged (\3\ 14 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. in, or underlining of words intended to be emphatic. All amounts of money or other numbers should be written, re- serving the use of numeral figures for dates only. It is good form to have the direction of the w^riter printed in simple characters at the top. All business letters should bear the direction and the date. Upon friendly notes nothing more than the day of the week, with the street and the number, is absolutely necessary. No attention sh&uld ever be paid to anonymous letters. The writers of such stamp themselves as ignoble and Cow- ardly; and cowards never hesitate to say or write what- is not true when it suits their purpose. All statements made in such letters should be regarded as false and inspired by envy ; for there are no anonymous letter-writers who are not both cowardly and envious. Such letters should be consigned to the flames, for they are beneath notice. White note-paper and envelopes are in better taste than colored. In families where arms are used it should be re- membered that unmarried ladies have not the right to use crests or coats of arms, although some do so who cannot plead ignorance as an excuse. Americans have the reputa- tion of sneering at titles, yet of imitating the weaknesses and infringing upon the rights of those who bear them. It must be confessed that even in a republic the temptation to use armorial bearings is very strong, and the desire very natural, where families possess the undoubted right: as, when they have been handed down from father to son fot many generations, after having been brought from the mother-country either on old silver or old seals or in old Bibles, or emblazoned with casque and mantling on vellum and framed, as are frequently seen in our Colonial families. But in this brazen age anything can be bought with money, and coats of arms are often used at complete variance with personal history and in violation of all precedent. It is ARMS AND CRESTS. IS considered a misdemeanor, and punished as such, to in- fringe on a merchant's mark, and yet the marks of nobility are continually appropriated by ignorant and aspiring peo- ple who only bear the name of the family, and cannot trace the feintest line of their descent. The oldest Euro- pean families prefer to use their arms without quarterings. A story is told of two gentlemen passing along the Rue de la Paix in Paris, who stopped to look in the attractive window of a china establishment. "Jupiter!" exclaimed one, " look at the arms on that china ! — no end of quarter- ings ! Let us stop in and see what noble duke it belongs to." Great was their astonishment to learn that it had been ordered, by an American family. Nothing is more vulgar than pretence, and those who use arms or crests should have them printed as simply as possible. Married ladies use the arms of their husbands' family, unmarried ones the quarterings of their fathers' and mothers' arms on a lozenge. In a republic monograms are considered by many in better taste than crests or coats of arms. Fashion is always changing the size and the shape of note-paper and envelopes, but the quality never alters. Nothing looks poorer or more untidy than thin paper, and envelopes which do not conceal the writing. No letters should ever be crossed, even among relations or intimate friends. Some literary people affect carelessness in writing, thinking it rather Byronic to do so, but if they realized the effect produced by a slovenly letter upon the mind of the recipient they would never repeat the offence. In no way is one's culture "sooner judged of than by his manner of writing a note or a letter Long letters are excusable only when written to relatives or old friends. In writing formal letters the stilted style of past generations has been univer- sally dropped. The prevailing idea amongst sensible people of the present day is that familiarity and ceremony 16 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. are equally far removed from politeness and good taste, and should be banished from society. The writing of notes in the third person, which was the custom formerly among people who knew each other but slightly, is now generally confined to notes of invitation, excepting where old-school customs are still admired and clung to. Whenever the note exceeds the few admissible lines for the third person, it is better, even when -writing to strangers, to write in the first person. The French have the follow- ing rule: "In manuscript letters never use the third per- son excepting when writing to your drsssmakers and tailors." Certainly no well-educated lady or gentleman would be guilty of the rudeness of replying to a note, from a friend and equal, written in the first person, by one writ- ten in the third, unless from thoughtlessness. Persons have been known in fits of abstraction to sign their names to notes written in the third person. One would hope that tiie receiver would be sufficiently chari- table not to attribute such a mistake to ignorance, knovviug how frequently it is the case that persons who write much are surrounded by members of their family, who keep up a flow of conversation, often addressing remarks to them which require an answer. It would not be surprising should a person so situated change from the third to the first person before her note was finished, or even sign her name to one which she had written in the third person. But such mistakes should be carefully guarded against, as nothing could bear stronger circumstantial evidence of ignorance. "When a letter is upon business, commencing " Sir " or "Dear Sir," it is customary to place the name of the person addressed at the close, in tlie left-hand corner. When written in the third person the name is omitted of course ; also in all letters commencing wi th the name of the person to whom you are writing, as " My dear Mi'is. LETTERS AND NOTES. 17 Jones." The name should not then be repeated in the left- hand corner as when one commences, " Dear Madam," or "Sir." It is astonishing to see how often this rule is vio- lated by persons professing the greatest punctiliousness in observing the correct forms and ceremonies of social inter- course. The custom of leaving a blank margin on the left-hand side of each page is now looked upon as obsolete, excepting in legal documents. No notes should be commenced very- high or very low on the page, but should be nearer the top than the middle of the sheet. In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence " Reverend Sir " or " Dear Sir." It is no longer custom- ary to write " B.A." or " M.A." after his name. " Rev. Henry Bell," is the correct form ; where the first name is not known, " Rev. Bell." Doctors of divinity and of medicine are thus distin- guished : "To the Rev. James Haw, D.D.," or "Rev. Dr. Haw;" "To J. G.Latham, Esq., M.D.," "Doctor Latham," or "Dr. Latham." Foreign ministers are addressed as " His Excellency " and " Honorable." (See Westlake's How to Write Ld- ters — a valuable book for proper use of titles.) In writing to servants it is customary to begin thus: " To Ellen Weller : Mrs. Jones wishes to have her house in readiness on the 14th inst.," etc., etc. To trades-people the third person is used. If necessary to write in the first person, one commences, " Sir," and signs " Yours truly," giving the initials only, as "J. E. Jones," not " Julia E. Jones." There is a diversity of opinion as to the degrees of for- mality in commencing and signing notes and letters. Both in England and New England the scale is as follows: "Madam," "Dear Madam," "My dear Madam;" "Dear 2 18 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Mrs. Joues," " My dear Mrs, Jones," " My dear Friend." In closing a note the degrees are implied as follows : " Truly yours " or " Yours truly," " Very truly yours," "Sincerely yours," "Cordially yours," "Faithfully yours," " Affectionately yours." There are words enough in use to express every grade of feeling, and they should be carefully selected for the pur- pose ; as the conclusion of a letter or a note makes an im- pression upon the person reading it. To aged persons "With great respect, yours sincerely," recommends itself as being less familiar than the other forms, A very rude ending is " Yours, etc." You do not sign " Yours truly " or " Truly yours " to any one whom you know sufficiently well to commence your note with " My dear Mrs. ;" this form being re- served for writing to strangers and for business letters. " Believe me, with kind regards, sincerely yours," is one of the stereotyped modes considered a good form in closing a letter to a friend. It is a thing of the past to commence letters with " Sir " or " Madam " when writing to persons in your own class of circles. This form is reserved for per- sons of superior or inferior station as denoting in both no familiarity. While, in replying to a letter from a stranget so commenced, it would be extremely civil, in a lady, to begin with "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam," it would b6 very uncivil to commence a letter with "Sir" or "Madam" in answering one commencing with "Deaf Sir" or "Dear Madam." Foreigners are struck with the formalities that Americans sanction. A lady, writing to another lady of her own station, although she may never have met her, writes " Dear Mrs. Blank," signing herself "Yours truly." After she has become acquainted with her, she changes to " My dear Mrs. Blank," and signs her- eelf "Yours sincerely," or, perhaps, "With kindest re- lETTERS AND SOTBS. 19 gards, believe me cordially yours," giving her Christian name in full, as for example, " Lucy M. Vaughan," and not " L. M. Vaughan." It is everywhere looked upon as a vulgarity when a mar^ ried lady signs herself with the " Mrs." before her name, ©r a smgki lady with the " Miss." In writing to strangers who do not know whether to address you as "Mrs." or " Miss," the address should be given in full, after signing your letter; as, " Mrs. John Vaughan," followed by th^ direction: or, if uumarried, the "Miss" should be placed in brackets, at a short distance preceding the signature. Never write of your children as " Miss Nellie" or " Mas- ter Edward." Reserve the " Miss " or " Master " for use in speaking or writing to inferiors. To recapitulate, — In writing to strangeBs, one is at liberty to use the third person, or to commence with "Sir" or " Madam," as pre- ferred. If the letter is for any one of whom the writer has some knowledge, " Dear Sir " or " Dear Madam " is con- sudered more courteous. If the persons have speaking ac- quaintance, " Dear Mr. Jones " or " Dear Mrs. Jones " is the correct form. If visits have been exchanged, or the persons writing and written to are well acquainted, " My dear Mrs. Jonas " or " My dear Mr. Jones." Do not sign " Yours truly " to a friend. Reserve this fi>rm for business letters, and in writing to strangers. Never sign your name prefixed with " Mrs.," or " Miss," or "Mr." Only the letters of mtmarried ladies and widows are ad- dressed with their bi^tismal names. All letters of mar- ried women should bear their husbands' names, as " Mrs. John Smith." The French do not use " Cher " or " Ch6re" in ccnnmencing letters, unless where there is great inti- macy, but only " Monsieur," ". Madame," or " Mademoi-: 20 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. selle ;" which customs Americans abroad would do well to remember when writing in the French language. Writing in English, our own forms can be observed, even though writing to foreigners.. Foreigners of distinction do not use their titles in signing notes or letters to their friends ; nor is it ever permissible for Americans to prefix " Honorable " or any other title to their own names. In writing to your inferiors use as few words as possible,, that your letter may not be presumed upon from any seem- ing familiarity. As men are not as chivalric in these days as in former times, it would be well to read over every letter before sending it, with a view to discovering whether it is worded as it ought to be should it fall into other hands than those for whom it was written. A lady once addressed a letter to a man with whom she had but slight acquaint- ance, stating with perfect fairness the unprincipled con- duct of some one in his employ which she thought it was for his interest to know and to condemn. It never seemed to have crossed her mind that the subordinate would see her letter ; but it was shown to him, and he wrote an illit- erate and most insolent note in reply, stating in it that he had kept a copy of the note which she had written to his employer. Such an experience could not often occur, it is true, for there are few men to be found who would show a lady's letter to the person of whom she had complained in terms of indignation suitable to the grossness of his offence, but that it did once occur should serve as a warning to all writers of letters not to allow any epistle to go out of their hands which they would not be willing to have read by others than the one addressed. Only in the cultivated must we look for that thorough refinement which acts like an instinct in such matters. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 21 Another thing in which great care should be exercised by those who have a voluminous correspondence ("dashing off" a dozen letters at a time), is that each be at once inclosed in its own envelope. Absent-minde which we shall be likely to throw off as often as we think it safe to go without it, as we should an uncomfortably fit- ting garment; and our manners do not belong to our char- acters any more than our clothing belongs to our persons. This is the transient side of manners. If, on the contrary, we are civil from an inward conviction that civility is one of the forms of love to our neighbor, and because we be- lieve that in being civil we are performing a duty that our neighbor has a right to claim from us, and because civility is a trait we love for its own inherent beauty, our manners then belong to the substance of our character — they are not its garment ; and this is the permanent side of manners. Such manners we carry with us into that life of perpetual advance that stretches forward into eternity. 4 60 SENSIBLE ETIQUEITB. CHAPTEE II. SENEEAI, INSTRTJCTIONS — CAIiLS AOT) CAKDS — EtTLBS FOB ■WATEEnSTG-PLACES — THE SOCIAL DOGBEEEY— PEOOFS OF GOOD BEEEDING — NTTISAJSTCES EST SOCIETY. "Who comes to make a formal call, Merely to criticize us all, When severed by the party wall 7 My neighbor 1 — Punch. "Well-dressed, well-bred, well-carriaged Is ticket good enough to pass us readily Through every door. — Cowper, To the unrefined or the underbred person the visiting card is bnl a trifling and insignificant bit of paper ; but to the cultured disciple of social law it conveys asubtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its tex- ture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name it bears in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his manners, conversation and face have been able to explain his social position.- The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful is it to preserve the elegance of its so- cial forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards as by any othpr method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so that its recipients shall say to themselves, " A whimsical person," nor too large, to suggest ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in anything. — Home Journal. Miss Btjrney, in her novel of " Evelina," says, " I think there ought to be a book of the laws and customs & la mode, presented to young people upon their introduction into public company." To some persons such a book may seem unnecessary in America (however important it may be for novices in Eng- IMPORTANCE OF BOOKS ON ETIQUETTE. 51 lish society), for the reason that our ceremonies are so few and so simple, that all who have been well trained are supposed to understand them. However, at second thought, it will be remembered that customs are continually changing, and that mothers in America, with large families of children, some- times allow fifteen or twenty years to pass without troub- ling themselves about much that is outside of their own nurseries or households. When the seeming interests of a grown-up daughter demand that the mother shall herself return to society, she, feeling both indifferent and rusty, prefers to trust her child to the chaperonage of some rela- tive or friend. It does not always happen that the matron whom she selects is capable of instructing her charge, or it may be that it does not occur to her that the young girl given over to her care needs any such instruction. Again, take young persons of either sex who have been educated in the country, and bring them into the society of a city, what means have they of learning its customs, ex- cepting through dearly bought lessons of experience, which their sensibility might well have been spared had such a book as Miss Burney proposed been put into their hands. Good breeding is the same in the country as in the city, it is true, but customs vary in different sections. Bulwer says : " Just as the drilled soldier seems a much finer fellow than the raw recruit, because he knows how to carry himself, but after a year's discipline the raw recruit may excel in martial air the upright hero whom he now despairingly admires, and never dreams he can rival ; so set a mind from a village into the drill of a capital, and see it a year after ; it may tower a head higher than its re- cruiting sergeant." It is the constant drilling of parents and teachers, line upon line, precept upon precept, that is needed with the young. The uncultivated who ridicule this drilling, who 52 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. refuse to observe the forms that the cultivated adopt, not only expose their own deficient training, but their conduct gives increased testimony to the necessity that exists for a more general understanding of those laws of social life which, like the laws of the universe, prevent all things from returning to chaos. Some of these laws of social life, like the laws of civil life, differ in different lands ; although not those that are the most essential in the regulation of conduct and behavior. Everywhere children are taught that affectation and pretence are vulgarities ; that it is a vulgarity to yawn without making some effort to suppress it, or without concealing the mouth ; to whistle or hum in the presence of older persons, whether in railway cars or in houses, or to make any monotonous noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc., to play with napkin rings, or with any article at the table during meal-time, to pick the teeth with the fingers, to cut or clean the nails outside of one's dressing-room, to lounge anywhere in the presence of company, to place the elbows on the table, or to lean upon it while eating, to take hold of persons or to touch them with familiarity while talking with them, to speak of ab- sent persons by their first names when you would not so address them if they were present, to acquire the habit of saying " you know," " says he " and " says she ;" to use slang words, to tattle, to scratch the head or person, to whisper in company, to hide the mouth with the hand when speaking, to point at any one or anything with the finger, to stare at persons, to laugh at one's own stories or remarks, to toss articles instead of handing them, and to take anything without thanking the one who waits upon you (excepting at table) be it a superior, an equal, or an inferior. Every- where, also, children are taught that it is a rudeness to stand in the way without instantly moving when another tries to pass ; not to say " I beg pardon " when you have in any BREACHES OF GOOD MANNERS. 53 way inconvenienced some one ; starting up suddenly and rushing from the room without asking to be excused ; going before older persons, who are entitled to precede you, when leaving a room with them ; leaving the table with food in the mouth ; taking possession of a seat that belongs to another, and not rising instantly upon his return ; leaving any one without saying " good-bye," or giving at least a bow ; inter- rupting any one in conversation ; contradicting, pushing, or even coming in contact with another unintentionally, with- out begging pardon for the seeming rudeness ; want of punc- tuality; neglecting to answer notes and letters promptly, especially those requiring information; ridiculing- others; passing any one whom you know without speaking, with whom you are on speaking terms; keeping the hat on in the house in the presence of a lady ; and many, many other equally important things which are looked upon in the same light everywhere. In all cultivated society these breaches of good manners, with many others too numerous to men- tion, are regarded either as vulgarities or as rudenesses. They denote want of early training or a coarse nature not . susceptible of refinement, for manners are the fruits of mind. Not so, however, with the practice or the neglect of vary- ing social laws; such as are acquired either by mixing with the world or by that self-culture which leads a man to keep himself acquainted with the customs of the day. Good birth and good training are the privileges of the few ; but the habits and manners of a gentleman may be acquired by any man who possesses a desire to add the graces of high culture to those acquisitions of the understanding which are the essentials of culture. Some of these varying social laws are involved in the ceremony of leaving cards ; which laws have been derided during the course of many years as meaningless and stupid by the ignorant, as well aa by many whose visiting is of such a simple character that 64 SKNSIBLE BTIQUBTTB. iio rules have been needed by them to regulate ceremonious calls. It is but four years ago that the author of an article on " Pasteboard Politeness " sneered at the various uses made of visiting cards in such a way as to demonstrate an ignorance of long-established customs worthy of Rip Van Winkle himselt after his long slumber. But those who have been educated from their youth to look upon certain forms as necessary to save themselves and others from in- conveniences attendant upon a large acquaintance, and who know that by adopting these forms they are enabled to keep up ceremonious visiting with a circle too large for friendly intercourse, do not need to be told by this author that "the highest point o{ gerdility (?) is reached by the use of visiting cards." They know their various uses, and no sneers, no misrepresentations will deter them from the sen- sible application which prescribed rules permit, for the saving of time and the fulfilment of required courtesies. They ought also to know that the use of the words " gen- tility " and "genteel " mark the class to which they belong, as they are not used in good society. It is the rules for visits of form or ceremonious calls that we now review, to see which are best adapted to our mode of life. The custom of making formal morning calls is only submitted to because of its absolute necessity ; calls being, in part, the basis upon which that great structure, •society, mainly rests. American men are excused from morning calls because their days are occupied with busi- ness as a general rule ; but, in order that they may be re- membered by those who entertain, their cards are made to represent their owners, and are left either by some member of their respective families or by some acquaintance calling. Many of our men have adopted the sensible custom of call- ing in the evening, where they wish to do more than leave a card. All the strain which general society necessitates CALLS AND CARDS. 55 is thrown off then, and acquaintance has an opportunity of ripening into friendship. When a gentleman is not ad- mitted the first time he calls, he leaves one card for the married lady of the house, one for her husband, both turned down, and one folded across the middle, for the remaining members of the family — daughters and sons. Upon sub- sequent occasions, until the year comes around again, he need not leave more than one card when calling, unless he prefers to do so ; this card so folded as to imply that it is left for the family. After any invitation he calls or sends a card, or, if a married man, his wife calls and leaves his card with her own, during the week following the entertain- ment. If one of the cards bears their names together, as " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith," this card turned down is left for the lady, if she is not receiving ; and one, with the husband's name alone, is left for the host, not turned, un- less he has called in person. No separate cards of the hus- band need be left upon the unmarried members of a family, unless one of them has left a card upon him, or their age is such as to require it ; or when other exceptions make it desirable to do so. No lady leaves her own card upon a geptleman, nor a card bearing her own name with that of her husband. If guests are stopping in the house, cards must also be left upon them; or, if calling upon guests, where you do not know the host and hostess, you must inquire if the ladies are at home, and, not being ad- mitted, leave cards for the host and hostess, as well as for the guests; as this is one of the first requirements of good breeding. There are many who would like to dispense with this formality, who still feel themselves obliged to observe it because of their early training. There are many others who give evidence of the lack of proper instruction in their youth by making use of the house of those who are stran- gers to them, with as much freedom and as little courtesy 56 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. toward its occupants as if it were a hotel. " It is not a New York custom to leave cards in this way," said a lady. The reply was, " I do not know what the customs of to- day are in all New York society, but I do know that the old families obsei-ve the same punctilious respect to the required courtesies of life as they ever did, where their mothers have been women capable of teaching their chil- dren those duties that self-respect and respect for the claims of others require of them." After an interchange of cards, the acquaintance drops, unless followed by an invitation upon one side or the other. Where a first invitation is not accepted, and no reason is given for it other than that expressed in the usual form of regret, the invitation ought not to be repeated. Among the people of the highest cultivation it is binding to show one's appreciation of a first invitation by a cordial accept- ance, if one desires to keep the acquaintance, and by allowing nothing that can be controlled to prevent one from going. Still, circumstances may be such as to make it impossible, and then an informal note of explanation is courteous. Such calls as have been enumerated come under the head of general calls ; as also do calls that are made upon per^ sons on one's visiting list who have been absent from their homes, either for a long foreign tour, or only for a limited time, as for the summer. In the latter case, the younger call first upon the elder ; or, where the ages are the same, those who return first in the autumn call first upon those who arrive later, unless there has been some remissness during the previous year, when the one who owes the cus- tomary visit after an invitation calls first, without refer- ence to age or time of return. P. P. C. cards are no longer left when the absence from home is only for a few months, as for the summer ; nor are they left by persons starting in midsummer, for a foreign CALLS AND CARDS. 67 country, as residents are then supposed to be out of town. At watering-places and country estates, calls are made upon those who arrive later. At places of summer resort, those who own their cottages call first upon those who rent them ; and those who rent, in turn, call upon each other, accord- ing to the priority of arrival ; while both those who own and those who rent call first upon friends arriving at the hotels. In all these cases exceptions should be made where there is any great difference in the age ; the younger then calling upon the elder, if there has been a previous ac- quaintance or exchange of calls. In first calls it is well to remember the English rule. The lady highest in rank makes the first call in England; and here, where age gives precedence, the elder lady pays the first call, unless she takes the initiative by inviting the younger to call upon her, or by sending her an invitation to some entertainment which she is about to give. An American lady visiting in England received an invitation from a titled lady, whom she had never met, with not even a card inclosed. She felt that as she was a stranger, the English lady ought to have called upon her before extending her proffered hospitality, but not being tenacious upon ceremonious points of eti- quette, she went to thank the lady, and to express her re- gret that mourning prevented her from accepting the invi- tation, when she found that the lady was so much older than herself as to quite remove the little feeling she had indulged in upon the informality shown her, which infor- mality she learned before she left England was much more complimentary to herself than any amount of formality (under the circumstances) could have been. Where daughters leave the cards of the mother, and the lady who receives them returns the call in person, ex- pressing her regret that she was not at home when the mother called, it is quite unnecessary to make any explana- 68 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. tion, and it would be in fact both gauche and rude to reply that her daughters had left her cards for her. There are other cases where a seeming want of savoir- vivre, a seeming rudeness even, is justified by some event in the past, as in the following illustration : "Pray tell me, did you send Mrs. Claphara Bywell home from your kettle-drum, telling her that you had not invited her? Of course I know you did not, but I want to get at the foundation of the story," said one lady to another. " Mrs. Bywell was not at ray kettle-drum. She came to one of my weekly receptions once, long ago, and as she was leaving, said : ' You see how soon I have returned your call.' I deliberated a moment, but I could not let her leave ray roof without telling her that I had not called, not alone because she was an older resident, but because many years before she had called upon one of her cousius stopping with me, and had not asked for me nor left a card for me; so I said, ' I am indebted to a mistake, then, for the pleasure of seeing you, and I think I can explain it, for on last Friday I left cards at Mrs. Dr. Clapham's, as I supposed. Her cards bore no direction, and I got the street and number from Dr. Bywell's servant, who must have confused the names.' " This little incident also shows what gossip can do in the way of embellishing facts, without any assistance from the subjects of it. To return to calls made at places of summer resort. When it becomes a question as to which shall call first be- tween persons occupying neighboring villas, who arrived from different cities at the same time, the lady whose house is in the city nearest to the watering-place would assuredly feel herself at liberty to make the first call if she desired to make the acquaintance of her neighbor, provided they CALIiS AND CARDS. 59 had both rented the villas for the first time that season. If not, the one who has been the longest occupant calls first, without reference to the distance of their respective cities. When the occupants of two villas, who have arrived the same season, meet at the house of a common friend, and the elder of the two uses her privilege of inviting the other to call, there could be no farther question as to who should make the first visit. The sooner the call is made after such an invitation is extended, the more civil will it be consid- ered. Not to call would be a positive rudeness. Equally rude is it when one lady asks permission of another to bring a friend to call, and then neglects to do it after permis- sion has been given. In some foreign countries calls are often returned within twenty-four hours, for there are no exceptions in reference to the rule that requires all first calls to be returned promptly. If the acquaintance is not desired, your first call can be your last. A young Ameri- can gentleman, after calling upon a distinguished general in Paris (who was more than twice his own age), and then taking a drive in the Bois, went back to his bachelor apart- ments to find to his great surprise that his call had been returned the same day. Had he called upon an American citizen in his own land, of as exalted a position, the chances are that not even a card would have been returned, for our men have not been trained to lay much stress upon these marks of civility as proofs of good breeding. It is the strict observance of these trifling formalities which has caused the French to be considered par exceUenee the most polite people, although it is said that as a nation they carry their politeness no farther than the observance of hollow / forms and necessary ceremonials. That genuine polite- ness of heart which leads those who possess it to do as they would be done by, will also lead its possessor never to re- sent the omissions of others ; to be strict only with them- 60 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. selves in the observance of established forms of civility, and to overlook the remissness of all. The most noble natures are the most placable ; and those who would act up to their Christian professions in small matters as well as in great, must pay visits they do not owe, and invite the negligent, where they are sure that the negligence has been from ignorance or thoughtlessness, and not from inten- tional rudeness. It is a good rule never to listen to the suggestions of pride, suspicion, or jealousy, in r^ulating our intercourse with the world. Even where injuries have been received in return for benefits, if you would know the happiness that true nobility of soul confers upon its pos- sessor, forgive and, as far as is possible, forget. The brave only know how to forgive. It is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at. The coward, the mean soul, never forgives j but waits in am- bush for an opportunity to strike in the dark, or to stab in the- back. The power of forgiving flows only from a strength and greatness conscious of its own force and secu- rity, and above all the temptations of resenting every fruit- less attempt to destroy its happiness. Small minds are hurt by small events; great minds see through and despise them. Only the contemptible are capable of hatred. Like the useless bind-weed, it thrives best in a poor soil. Love to God and man is as essential to our happiness as is the air that we breathe to our existence. Hatred destroys the soul ; love develops and perfects it. The art of life is to acknowledge the base as base, the mean as mean, but not to degrade one's self by passionate resentment against base- ness and meanness. We cannot compel others to be good, but we can compel ourselves ; and after all people are not so bad as they appear. They are only conceited or ill- bred ; and imagine they make themselves important and powerful because they can be rude and insultivg. CALLS AND CARDS. 61 Yet this Christian politeness, which leads persons to be strict only with themselves and indulgent with others, can- not always be carried out where a dissimilarity of views prevails as to social duties and privileges, and where dis- tinctions are made other than those conferred by education, cultivation, refinement, and morality. It would be sup- posed, generally, that there would be a certain class in every city who, by virtue of superior advantages of edu- cation and position, would hold such views in common with regard to their social duties as would prevent the pos- sibility of any material diiferences of opinion concerning them. Yet we find such a variety of views, maintained among those who are equally capable of judging of the requirements of good breeding, as can only be accounted for from the fact that " we have no code nor standard." There are certain duties which are the same everywhere, certain omissions which are rudenesses in all societies, and which no Christian politeness is sufficiently perfected to endure. Those duties ought, to be taught by parents and teachers as thoroughly as the alphabet is taught, that no unnecessary coolness or estrangements may ever have an opportunity to grow out of them. Take, for instance, the subject treated of in this chapter, " Calls and Cards." Why is it that in the best society its members have decreed that, after receiving any unusual attention, a call shall be made in person, unless it is that the expression of kind feeling shown in the invitation requires some corresponding atten- tion, such as the call evidences, in return? When this mark of appreciation is withheld, the one who extends the courtesy has no means of knowing whether the neglect has arisen from ignorance of customs or total indifference to herself. Therefore we find the rule absolute, "Cards should be left at a house the day after, or at least within a week after, any entertainment to which the person leaving cards 62 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. has been invited, whether she has been able to accept tb* invitation or not. Should unavoidable circumstances pre- vent this mark of appreciation of the courtesy extended, a note of explanation should be written." Take also, as an example, another rule which is equally, binding : "When a lady announces herself as being at home on a certain day every week, it is not courteous to leave cards without going in on that day, or to call upon any other dayj as it seems to denote no wish to see her." Surely a lady, finding these rules disregarded after* a civility extended, would need a mantle of charity, as wide as St. Paul is supposed to have possessed, not to regard the breach of good manners as an affront to herself, especially if she happened to be the elder of the two. " Your daughter has quite neglected me this season,", said an elderly lady, on one of her weekly reception days, to a lady calling. " Oh, my daughter has not time to make calls," was the answer. As the lady receiving was one whose time was so fully occupied that she had hierself but few spare hours for formal social duties, she could not, after such an intimation, consistently add to the burdens of the young girl who had not time to fulfil the duties which were due to her superiors in age. Only calls of pure ceremony — such as are made pre- vious to an entertainment on those persons who are not to be invited, and to whom you are not indebted for any at- tentions — are made by handing in cards; nor can a call in person be returned by cards. This is a gross affront, especially if the younger leaves cards upon the elder in return for a call in person. Exceptions to this rule comprise P. P. C. cards, cards left or sent by persons in mourning, and those which announce a lady's day for receiving on her return to town in the autumn. Care should be taken that the latter cards CALLS AND CARDS. 63 are not left by the younger upon the elder, where there is much difference in age, until the yearly call in person, which custom requires, has been made. If this call is not made, as is usual, in the autumn, upon return to the city, it must be paid during the first week in the new year, and returned within a fortnight. Ladies who are so remiss as to neglect the observance of these simple rules must, sooner or later, cease visiting each other ; and, where their circles are very large, it is, in some oases, desirable that it should be so, for in this way it is possible for the elder person to diminish her list without appearing to be rude. When the yearly call due to ari elderly person is not made, no invitation during the year can be expected from her, leaving it entirely optional with an entertainer to pass over the remissness, or to make an exception in favor of the one who has been neglectful. Thus it is possible to keep down the numbers in one's visiting list without causing any family to feel dropped. Abroad, the wives of American diplomatist-s are some- times complained of for their neglect in the etiquette of cards and calls, acceptances and regrets, and other forms and ceremonies of life at courts, which are held binding by those who are acquainted with them. It is always set down, however, to " American ignorance," not to indifference, since such .a thing as indifference is impossible to those who have been trained to regard their observance as honorable. We ought to have sufficient charity to make the same excuse for remissness, since many of these rules are just as bind- ing here as abroad. To return to cards. After they have been left once in the season, they need not be left again, excepting after an invitation, or upon a guest stopping at the house. A gentleman invited by a lady to call upon her cannot, without showing her great discourtesy, neglect to pay the 64 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. call within a week. He is not obliged to repeat it, or to do more than leave his card at her door. Cards and invitations sent by post should be removed from their stamped envelopes before putting them in the card-receiver. It has been seen that the rule found in books on etiquette, "Visiting-cards can under no circumstances be sent by post, or delivered in envelopes at the door," is in a fair way of now becoming a dead rule. It has, in fact, always had its exceptions, some of which are given elsewhere When a lady receives weekly, a resident, desirous of call- ing upon her, cannot make a first call on the reception day, unless asked to call on that day. After such a card has once been left, one is at liberty to call the following season on the same day, unless a card has been left or sent in the meantime with the day changed. Persons living in the same neighborhood should select the same day for receiving. It is too much to expect your friends to remember the days that are not arranged for particular localities, and wanting in thoughtfulness for their conveni- ence as well. The Countess of says, in her book, " Mixing in Society," " To receive visitors on a stated day in each week is only to be justified by the exigencies of a lofty position ;" to which should be added for our use in this country, " unless the convenience of callers is studied by an entire neighborhood uniting on the same day." This custom, as practiced in Boston and New York, takes away from it much of the inconvenience ; but great complaint is made in some of our cities of a want of consideration in this par- ticular. The day fixed upon by the oldest resident should be adopted by all. One cannot return the calls of elderly ladies, or even of their equals in age, "by leaving cards at the door. It is CALL8 AND OAEDS. 65 not considered respectful. If the cards of persons much younger are left, after hospitalities extended to them, 'jje is at liberty to make a card serve for a return visit. To the French is due the custom of making the delivery of a oard answer for the appearance of the individual. It is a great convenience for elderly persons and invalids, who have no daughters to make their calls for them, as well as for ladies who have a large visiting list and occupations which leave them but little time for formal calls. It can- not be recommended for others, as there are some ladies . who take offence at finding cards left without any inquiry being made as to whether they are receiving. A call upon persons in mourning and all cards of con- dolence should be returned with mourning cards, when the family begin ^o make their appearance in public. When admitted upon a call of condolence — made within ten days after the death if on intimate terms with the family, or within a month otherwise — care must be had not to al- lude to the event first, and if spoken of not to dwell upon the particulars, unless it is evident that the bereaved de- sire it. Those acquaintances who wish to leave cards only inquire after the health of the family, leaving their cards in person. Until the cards of formal acquaintances have been returned by cards of the bereaved, it is not well to repeat the call. Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a con- gratulatory note, if desired, can be made to serve instead of a call j excepting upon the newly married. Calls in person are due to them, and to the parents who have in- vited you to the marriage. Where there has been a re- ception after the ceremony, which you have been unable to attend, but have sent cards by some member of your family, your cards need not again represent you until they have been returned, with the new residence announced ; but a 5 66 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, call is due to the parents or relatives who have given the reception. When no wedding cards are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you cannot call without being considered intrusive. If, however, you have reason to think the remissness an unintentional one, you can place it in the power of some member of the family to make the requisite explanation, which will restore the visiting if de- sired by both parties. "When a betrothal takes place, and is formally announced to the relatives and friends on both sides, calls of congratulation follow. The fianci, or bride- groom that is to be, is introduced by the family of the fiancie to their connections and most intimate friends, and his family in return intpoduce her to relatives and ac- quaintances whom they desire her to know. The simplest way of bringing this about is by the parents leaving the cards of the betrothed with their own, upon all families on their visiting list whom they wish to have the betrothed pair visit. " Calls ought to be made within three days after a dinner, or any entertainment of any kind, if it is a first invitation ; and within a week after a party or a ball, whether you have accepted the invitation or not." In France these calls are known as " hs visites de digestion," and are strictly en- forced ; but they make cards do duty for calls in person, after marriages, births, and deaths. One month after the birth of a child the call of congrat- ulation is made by acquaintances. Relatives and intimate friends call sooner, often to the injury of the young mother and her babe. It is not customary to receive the calls that are made after an entertainment, excepting where the lady who enter- tained has a day, or when she has friends staying with her. For this reason persons who wish to leave cards only, call within the prescribed three days, as they are then sure of CALLS AND CARDS. 67 not being admitted where the customs of society are under- stood. Calling hours vary in our cities, beginning as early as twelve o'clock in small towns. From two to four o'clock neither lunch nor the afternoon drive is interfered with, and seems to be preferred by many in large cities. A lady who has no day will endeavor to receive callers at any time. If she is occupied, she will instruct her servant to say that she is engaged, as soon as they are asked if she is receiving ; for a visitor, once admitted into the house, must be seen at any inconvenience. Should the wrong servant have gone to the door, and have admitted a caller by mistake, the proper servant may be sent with an explanation, in cases where it is impossible for any member of the family to appear. But care must be taken that no recurrence takes place, unless she is willing to be stigmatized as ill-bred. A lady should never keep a visitor waiting, without sending down to see whether a delay of a few minutes will inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed to return in all instances to announce to the one waiting that the lady will be down immediately. They sometimes neglect doing so, where they have not been properly in- structed, from the fact that they think their mistress will reach the drawing-room sooner than they can. They thus cause her to appear rude when necessarily detained for a few moments. Any delay whatever should always be apologized for. If, on making a call, you are introduced into a room where you are unknown to those assembled, at once give your name and mention upon whom your call is made. In meeting a lady or a gentleman whose name you can- not recall, frankly say so if you find it necessary. There are no sensible persons who would not prefer to recall themselves to your memory than to feel that you were talk- 68 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ing to them -without full recognition. The idea that it is rude has no foundation, excepting in overweening self-love. To affect not to remember a person is despicable, and re- flects only on the pretender. If a guest uses your drawing-room to receive callers who have not asked for you, and the card of a caller upon your- self is sent up to you, do not send for the caller to join you in another room, but enter your drawing-room as mistress of your own house, and receive him there. It is the duty, of the guest to guard against the possibility of her hostess being annoyed by any want of respect shown to her ; and equally incumbent upon the hostess is it to see that guests, share with her the attention of her own friends. Gentlemen leave tlieir umbrellas, overcoats, and over- shoes in the hall; but take their hats and sticks w;ith them into the drawing-room, unless they are calling on old friends. The hat and stick should never be deposited upon a chair or table, or any other article of furniture. They can be placed upon the floor, very near the chair occupied by the owner, if he does not wish to retain them in his hands. The following imaginary incident illustrates a first call : Mr. Harcourt, formerly of New York, observing the rules in his own city, calls on a family in another city where he is residing, between four and five o'clock, and arrives just as the waiter is decanting some sherry for dinner, no but- ler being on duty. Bridget, the new kitchen-maid, is asked to answer the bell, and is not told that the ladies are engaged. The caller is shown into the reception-room, and gives his name, " Mr. Harcourt." Bridget repeats, ques- tioningly, "Mr. Hartichoke?" By this time the young man is clever enough to see that he must send up his card if he would have his name given correctly, notwithstand- ing directions given in books of etiquette to the contrary, and which directions hold good only where the callers are CALLS AND CARDS. 69 well known to the servants. Selecting a spotless card, he hands it to Bridget, and she, remembering her mistress's in- structions upon previous occasions, delivers the card upon the small silver tray kept for the purpose upon the hall table, thus insuring its delivery in an equally good con- dition — not soiled with finger-marks. Mrs. Bartlefct tak- ing it, reads aloud, " ' Mr. Charles Harcourt.' Bridget, I hope you said that we are engaged." "No, indeed, mum; I wouldn't think of takin' such a liberty, when I .hadn't been told to say so." " 1 am sure I do not regret Bridget's mistake, mamma ; I like Mr. Harcourt; yoU know he is a friend of Charlie's, and had himself introduced to ns last evening. I would have been very sorry to miss his first call," said Miss Julia. " But I dare say he only wished to leave his card," re- plied Mrs. Bartlett. " Julia, as you wish to see him, you can go down with mamma ; please make my excuses, as I am going to dress for dinner," said Miss Bartlett. Mrs. Bartlett and Miss Julia, who had come in from a drive, went down in their street costume, and found Mr. Harcourt seated, his hat and his stick in his left hand. He arose as they entered, and remained standing until they were seated. Being no monopolist in conversation, and equally ready to listen as to speak, the fifteen minutes ■which he has devoted to his call pass agreeably to all ; for he has not affected Mrs. Bartlett's nerves by flourishing his cane or twirling his hat. Without looking at his watch, he rises to leave ; Miss Julia rises also, and Mrs. Bartlett extends her first invitation to him in this way: "We are at home from three to five on Wednesdays, and I hope to see you soon again, Mr. Harcourt." He thanks her, and leaves the house, with some such reflections as these : 70 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. " I fancy the housemaid blundered in adniitting me, as Mrs. Bartlett has a day for receiving; and then, too, I noticed that both mother and daughter wore short street suits. I call that good breeding ; they did not keep me waiting while they changed their gowns ; and they would not send me down word, after I got in, that they were engaged, as they did the other day at Madame Newriches." After dinner. Miss Julia secured Mr. Harcourt's card, and copied his name and direction in the book kept for registering their visitors alphabetically., By so domg she insured his being invited when invitations were sent out for their next general entertainment. And here the prediction may be ventured that Mr. Har- court, having received so courteous a reception from Mrs. Bartlett, will show himself equally courteous by answer- ing the invitation as soon as he receives it. Society has become so extended in our cities that it is impossible for the heads of families to invite young men to call whom they would be glad to see in their homes, as was the custom in past generations. Mr. Harcourt, it will be seen, adopted a foreign custom, which it would be well to introduce in America, and already it prevails in some trav- elled circles. In most countries on the continent of Europe a gentleman who has had himself introduced to a lady calls the following day. This call is returned by the gentleman of the house if the acquaintance is agreeable. If a gentle- man has been introduced, and does not call, not even a bowing acquaintance is continued. All mothers who do not go out with their daughters must see how much more agreeable is this way of giving a gentleman the entrance to their houses, than it is to impose upon their young daughters the disagreeable task of inviting men to call. Noi does it force hospitalities upon them, as the author of " Pasteboard Politeness" asserts. Few parents are found who are will- CAIiLS AND OAHDS. 71 ing to dispense with all forms, and who permit men to come and go without some prthodox preliminaries even in our republican society. For the same reason (the rapid increase of the numbers in society) daughters or sons are often invited without their parents, where the acquaintance of the families with each other has been a recent thing. Parents who leave or send their cards, after their children have received any such attention, are not compelled to make any further inter- change ; nor is the family receiving them obliged to do more than return the cards. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of a family without including the parents in this courteous formality, unless in exceptional cases. Where an elderly married lady invites a younger married one to call upon her, the call must be made within a few days, and returned at once, if both ladies desire the acquaintance. Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making calls, send in but one card, no matter how many members of the family they may wish to see. If a guest is stopping with a friend, the same rule is observed, but one card is sent in, and that one not turned down. If not at home, one card is left for the lady of the house and one for the guest. Should it be the first call of the season, a third card is left, folded down the middle, for the other members of the family. This third card is omitted often among friends by those who punctiliously leave it with mere acquaintances. The card for the lady of the house may be so folded as to include the family, but a separate card for the guest Is essential. Calls made on reception days where a guest is staying are not binding upon the guest to return. No sepa- rate card should be left for a guest on a reception day. Members of societies or clubs, who meet weekly at each others' houses for social purposes, do not leave cards after these entertainments. Those friends or acquaintances who 72 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. are not members, but who are invited by the gentleman entertaining, hand in or send their cards afterwards, in acknowledgment of the courtesy extended to them. It is for this ceremonious card-leaving that it is now pro- posed to send the cards by post, which sensible people in England are advocating, as well as sensible people here. One card is all that is required after gentlemen's suppers. • It is never necessary to deluge a family with cards. A lady calling on a friend who had a house full of guests^ left tbe orthodox three cards from each member of her family, folded or cornered in such a way as to include all the family and all the guests. Callers, later in the day, "who were more fortunate in finding the ladies at home, were entertained by the younger members of the household ■with a display of cards left by this one lady, which nearly covered the grand piano, provoking the mirth of some of those who saw it. And yet the lady had handed in only such as civility required, if all the members of her own large family wished their cards to be left ; though, by doing so she seemed to infringe upon the rule which makes it not good form for more than two, or three at most, out of one family to call together. " Pasteboard is cheap, use plenty of it," is the maxim of some persons, but it is better to use too little than too much. A gentleman's card bears his direction on the right hand corner (face towards you), unless the name of some club, when it is placed in the left-hand corner. The question is frequently asked, Which is the proper iend to turn down ? In the United States we do not give to the "cornering" of cards that significance which some European nations attach. When the lady's reception day is engraved where it ought to be, on the lower left-hand corner (holding the card facing towards you), it is the right- hand end of the card which is turned down. So long as CALLS AND CARDS. V3 the card is turned down, it does not matter whether it is the right hand or the left, excepting as it facilitates the reading of the reception day in the left-hand corner. When the name of the husband and wife is on one card, as " Mr. and Mrs. Blank," the reception day is of course omitted, and the reading of the surname is easier if the left-hand end of the card, where the " Mr. and Mrs." are placed, is turned down. But its signification is the same in either case; it shows that the card was left in person, and that the owner would have come in, had the one upon whom it was left been receiving. There is absolutely no other general meaning attached to the turning of a card, across either the right of the left end in America, which leaves it optional with all to do as they choose. Not to turn a card causes the leaver of it to be liable to the suspicion of having sent it by a servant. In countries where great stress is laid upon such trifles, even those who send their cards by servants turn them across one end, as if they had left them in person. A recent writer in Harper's Bazar says : " The etiquette of polite life is written in a despotic code, and those who obey any of it are not excused from obeying the whole." Now it is well known that there are many points of eti- quette the observance of which has no tendency to sim- plify and make easier our social intercourse. In a republic these minor points may be advantageously dispensed with, not only because they are useless, but because their ten- dency is to create embarrassments as long as these forms are not understood alike by all. It is not long since that a foreign minister a,t a certain European court bored every one with whom he conversed by narrating the grievances to which he had been subjected ; the chief of which was that the card of another minister had been left upon him without being turned down, which was only an omission 74 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. of one of the minor and most unimportant of arbitrary rules — not worth a thought, as we are trained to think. It is, of course, quite proper that it should be understood that all cards left in person, excepting those left on recep- tion days, should be' turned down across one end, or at one corner ; and that a card which is not turned down denotes one of three things : either that it has been merely sent in by some one before being admitted, to ascertain whether the lady or ladies are receiving ; or left because it is the custom to leave a card upon a reception day, for the pur- pose of refreshing the memory of the hostess • or, that it has not been delivered in person, but sent by a servant. ■ When cards are sent by a footman, it should be remem- bered that it is not en regie to inclose them in an envelope, or, if so inclosed, the servant should be instructed to re- move the envelope before delivering the cards. Trifling as such points are, there are reasons for their observance which must upon thought make themselves evident to every well-bred person. Still, even if a difference of opinion is held as to the vitality of such points, it must certainly be acknowledged that the observance or non-observance of them is not of sufficient consequence to create so much feel- ing as the minister in question indulged in, or as to be made an occasion for the manifestation of unchristian sen- timents, the strengthening of narrow prejudices, and the' building up of vulgar feuds. But if, as the writer in Harper asserts, the laws of social life, like the laws of the universe, prevent all things from returning to chaos, then is it not worth our while to look into these laws, searching to see how far they combine the spirit of a gentleman with the spirit of religion, and up- holding and maintaining the use of such as are fitted for our institutions and our mode of life? It is not many years since a lady, findiug diverse views prevailing in the CALLS AND CARDS. 75 city where she readed as to certain social customs that ought to be the same everywhere, published an article, taking the ground that the diversity of opinion which exists with us in reference to many points in social life is unfortunate and chat where no fixed rules exist there must always be misapprehensions and misunderstandings, rude- nesses suspected, and sometimes resented, where none are intended, to the great perplexity of the offender as to the cause of the offence. But, sensible as this must seem to all who have been trained to observe and obey social laws, there were found some critics who, seeing no need for the reaching forward to a higher level of life and manners, used all the weapons of ridicule in their power to attack the essay and its writer, asserting (as did Dogberry with reading and writing) that "a knowledge of the different duties of fashionable life comes intuitively." In other words, that good manners are inherited — that they come with good birth. It is generally supposed that good or bad manners depend entirely upon the instruction that one has had at the mother's knee, as it were ; that good manners com- mence in the nursery, when the mother is herself well-bred. To argue otherwise, proves utter ignorance of good breeding; Social laws are not immutable ; they differ with the age and with the various customs of the various countries of our globe. Where the Scripture injunctions are put in practice, "Be ye courteous," and " Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," where self is put out of sight, and a kind though tfulness of others takes its place, but little more is needed, it is true, in the way of being thoroughly well-bred ; still a knowledge of the customs ofthedayis necessary for those who wish to contribute their quota toward making " the cogs and wheels " of social life run smoothly ; and the social Dogberry, who asserts that such knowledge comes "intuitively," proclaims his 76 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ignorance of the fii-st principles of good breeding. Not only does it not come intuitively, but the customs of differ- ent countries vary so much that the rules laid down in one country very often do not suit the mode of life of another country. A writer upon card-leaving in London instructs her readers in a point of London etiquette, ■which is entirely un- suitable for us, unless we carry out in our households other London customs. This writer says : " When a lady calls at a house and finds the lady on whom she calls at home, it is incorrect to give her card to the servant ; and a well- trained domestic suppresses it altogether instead of giving it to his mistress." Why does he suppress it? Because the footman in London is trained to announce the name distinctly as he ushers the caller into the room where his mistress is receiving. It is absolutely necessary, where the servant has not had previous instructions, as so often happens in America, in reference to his mistress being at home, or not at home, or engaged-^it is absolutely neces- sary that the card be sent in (only one, no matter how many members in the family, and that one not turned down) to ascertain whether the ladies are at home to callersj otherwise some General Offenbach's name might be trans- formed into the unrecognizable one of General Bricabrac. Most of the rules of society, like all general rules, have their exceptions. It is where these exceptions are not known, that the rules, when followed, create confusion. On reception days, the well-drilled servant in American cities receives the card of the caller on a small salver, and, of course, suppresses it, because the card is only de- sired by the hostess to refresh her memory as to who has been present at her reception. Otherwise, her memory would be taxed. Where a lady has one day in every Week, and this day for some reason is an inconvenient one CALLS AND CARDS. 77 to some of her friends, whose day may be the same, for instance, cards ought not to be sent through others, but the call made upon some other day. To return a call made in person with cards inclosed in an envelope is an intima- tion that visiting between the parties is ended. Those who leave or send their cards with no such intention should remember not to inclose them, for, as has been justly said, although such small details appear trivial, it is the ac- curate knowledge and practice of them that constitutes the difference between savoir-vivre and want of knowl- edge. One of the exceptions to the last-mentioned rule — as to inclosing cards in envelopes — is, where they, are sent in return to the newly married living in other cities; or in answering wedding cards forwarded in absence from home. P. P. C. cards are also sent in this way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally considered admissi- ble to send by post. We would be glad to have it under- . stood that our business men in American cities might he so privileged, after having accepted hospitalities, or after receiving invitations which they have not been able to accept. Many of our young men have too little time for reading and riding and driving, without feeling themselves compelled to waste their leisure hours in making unsatis- factory calls : and the hostess who receives such cards would still be able to discriminate between those men who remem- bered her civility, and those who met it with seeming for- getfulness. However, in American cities, men can always find friends who will deliver their cards for them when de- livering their own. Certainly, for such an exception might be made to the rule, — " No cards can be handed in on a weekly reception day, excepting those that are left by callers." Will not some of our New York men move in the matter of inclosing their cards to ladies who have honored them 78 SENSIBLE ETIQPETTE. with invitations, and inaugurate the custom here of send- ing them by post ? The man who cannot find time to re- member, in this way, a lady M'ho has not forgotted him, will not be found among those who have had mothers able to instruct them as to their social duties and privileges. It is a move in the right direction, the sending of cards on full reception days by post and by messenger-boys where the senders are in mourning ; or where, for any reason, they are not able to appear. If this observance ever becomes general, and the prescribed call afterwards is dis- pensed with, it will make the inundation of invitations for kettle-drums and day receptions less dreaded by those who do not attend them, and who have little time to spare for making ceremonious calls. Naturally, a first invitation would not be so unceremoniously treated, nor other invita- tions than those for kettle-drums and day receptions. The delicate shades, where ceremonies are binding, are easily discriminated by the sensible and the kind-hearted. To return.to visiting airds. It has been said that "cards bearing the name of the husband and the wife together are no longer in good style." This is an error. The reason why they are less used is, that ladies who have their weekly reception days prefer to use the cards which have their days engraved upon them, and these days are never placed upon the card bearing the name of the husband and the wife together. When the separate card of the lady is left upon a married lady, whose husband is living, two cards of her husband should also be left (when making formal calls), one for the wife, the other for the husband. But, after the first call of the season, it is not necessary to leave the hus- band's card a second time during the year, unless some invitation has been extended in the meantime, or some attention bestowed. So it is seen that the name of the husband and the wife together is still as good form as ever, CALLS AND CARDS. 79 although less used. In fact, it is a necessity to possess such cards, and to use them when occasion requires, as in leaving cards of condolence, when it would be very thoughtless to hand in a card bearing the reception day upon it. Where, as after a long round of visits, there is any scarcity of cards in paying morning calls, ladies often fold one of their cards across the end, to show that they have left it in per- son, turning down one or two corners for one or two per- sons. The English custom of folding the lady's card up and down across the middle, for all the ladies in the family, is preferable. The same with the card of the gentleman. It is certainly more civil to leave a separate card for each lady (not to exceed three, however), when the first call of the season is made. Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations from ladies with whom they are only on terms of formal visit- ing, until the yearly or autumnal call ^as been made, or until their cards have been made to represent themselves. When the ladies of a family are receiving, but have no weekly reception day, the cards of gentlemen not accom- panying the callers, and of aged persons who have ceased all formal visiting, are left on the hall-table, if the servant opening the door has no tray to receive them. Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards to their acquaint- ances bearing their direction, as an announcement that they are in the neighborhood. This rule is often neglected, but unless it is observed strangers may be a long time in town without their presence being known. These cards can be sent by post. A first call, as has been already said, ought to be re- turned within three or four days. A longer delay than a week is considered an intimation that you are unwilling to accept the new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remissness is made. . A card left at a farewell visit, before 80 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. a long-protracted absence, has P. P. C. written in one cor- ner. This custom is less observed than formerly. It is not necessary to deliver such cards in person, however; they can be sent by a servant or by post. A mooted point, which might as well be a settled one, is in reference to the correct way of writing " P. P. C." and " R. S. V. P." Many affirm that it is incorrect to use capitals, asking how the sentences would look if written out in full, "Pour Prendre Conge!" and " PepUquez S'il Vous Plait ! " Since the time of the Romans capital letters have been used in writing or printing all abbreviated sen- tences; as, for instance, "P.M." for post meridian, and "A.M." for antemeridian. This is probably the expla- nation. Writing R. s. v. p. and P. p. c. seems to be an American innovation, arid rather a finical one, with the Roman custom in mind. A lawyer, of widespread repu- tation, was once cited as authority for writing p. p. c, but the one who advocated the use of capitals asserted that she had more confidence in his legal ability than as an authority in social observances ; especially as in administering a re- proof to the lady Who had P. P. C. on -her card (which he tore up, with the remark that he had expected better things of her), he had shown more of the judge than the gentle^ man. Among intimate friends informal calls, made out of the conventional visiting hours, are the most agreeable. It has been already stated that the hours in which morning calls are made vary in different cities. Where lunch is served at one o'clock, and dinner at six or seven o'clock, the calling hours are from two to five. Where early din- ners are the custom, from one to four are the usual hours, and in some towns from twelve to three; but a formal call should not be made before noon in any place. It is easy to ascertain the customs of a city before calling. CALLS AND CARDS. 81 Gentlemen who are frequent visitors at a house feel at liberty to leave their hats and sticks in the hall. Neither children nor dogs are taken out when making formal calls. Two persons out of one family, or at the most three per- sons, can make calls together. Gentlemen wear their usual morning dress, a black cut-away, or a frock-coat, dark trowsers, silk necktie (black is in the best taste), and a me- dium or neutral shade of gloves. In warm weather, light gray or colored trowsers, colored neckties, and white vest are often worn. At the seaside, and at all summer resorts, calls are made in suits of rough cloth by those gentlemen who prefer following sensible English customs to submit- ting to the regulations made for city life, and which are always irksome to men who have no taste for summer gayeties. Ladies, in making calls in cities, dress with much more elegance than for walking or for shopping ; but at the sea- side, or at any place of summer resort, it is becoming op- tional with them, where no reception days are set apart weekly, to call in calling hours, and in visiting toilettes ; or to make informal calls in morning dresses ; or to pay their visits of ceremony between four and five o'clock — before the afternoon drive — in driving toilette. This latter mode has the advantage of allowing ladies to remain at home during the hottest part of the day, and of not over- taxing their horses. "Where there is any degree of inti- macy, or a long acquaintance, the early morning call in moi'ning dress is preferable. Some ladies in cities are at home to their most intimate friends at all hours, who are never at home to mere ac- quaintances in calling hours, for the reason that they know in making a round of formal calls, ladies often do not expect or wish to be admitted. This fact has caused many to look more leniently than they formerly did upon 82 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the French mode of leaving cards, without inquiring if the ladies are at home, when the call is one of pure ceremony. For fear of giving offence, it is better for the young, and for those who have the time to spare, to make the inquiry ; but elderly persons, and those whose days are not long enough for them, on account of the engrossing nature of their occu- pation, should always be excused when they prefer to make their cards serve as substitutes for themselves, after an ex- change of calls. To ladies whose circle of visiting acquaint- ance is small, such ceremonious visits cannot but seem to be a mere farce, where the performers play their part with- out even the pretence of sincerity, but those who number several hundred families on their lists appreciate all time- saving innovations, especially if they entertain frequently; and consequently they learn to appreciate fully the observ- ances that enable them to keep up a ceremonious acquaint- ance with a circle too large for friendly visiting. All in- nocent and sensible new customs should be welcomed that have a tendency to save labor, to prevent the waste of time, and to harmonize varying interests. A. lady receiving morning calls wears a silk gown, high in the neck, with long sleeves ; no diamonds, and no flow- ers in her cap or in her hair; both being reserved for dinner toilet. This is a rule that is as universally regarded as that men shall not appear in dress-coats and white neck- ties by daylight, or at least until the dinner hour. Ex- ceptions are made upon unusual occasions only. The lady of the house rises when her visitors enter, who immediately advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others. She designates a seat near her own to the last arrivals if she is able to do so. Gentlemen take any vacant chair, without troubling their hostess to look after them. Where the conversation is under her control, she generalizes it, endeavoring to give scandal-mongers no CALLS AND CARDS. 83 opportunity to indulge in that gossip which bears unerring evidence of vulgarity, as well as bad breeding and a sterile mind. If too many callers are present to enable her to keep the lead in conversation, she pays especial attention td the last arrivals, watching to see that no one is left alone, and talking to each of her guests in succession, or seeing that some one is doing so. A well-bred lady pays equal attention to all her callers. It is allowable to pay extra attention to any person of dis- tinguished rank, to strangers, to age, or world-wide repu- tation. To do homage to the rich, simply because they are rich, is a piece of snobbism which even the amiable find difficult to forgive. A lady who is not in her own house, does not rise either on the arrival or the departure of ladies, unless there is some great difference in age. Attention to the aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is never neglected by the' thoughtful and refined. It is not customary to introduce residents unless the hostess knows that an introduction will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in the city are introduced. The rule is to force no one into an acquaintance ; and although the hostess would gladly introduce all who meet under her roof, she will not assume that responsibility when she knows to what disagreeable experiences she may expose her friends by so doing, so long as there are people to be met with in society who are not sufficiently well bred to receive such introductions in a civil manner. Ladies and gentlemen are privileged to speak to each other, who meet in the drawing-room of a common friend, without any in- troduction ; though gentlemen generally prefer to ask for introductions. When introduced to any one, bow slightly and enter at once into conversation. It is a great want of good breeding not to do so. 84 SENSIBLE ETIQUKXTB. When introductions are given, it is the gentleman who should be presented to the lady ; when two ladies are in- troduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder. For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mr. Jones's name that is first mentioned. The word " in- troduce" is preferred to "present." Presentations are as- sociated with courts more than with republics. The least formal introductions are given by merely mentioning the names, as "Mr. Jones, Mrs. Smith." This is all that is necessary under ordinary circumstances. A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to a friend, when she wishes to bestow some mark of cordiality in welcoming a guest to her home, but a gentleman ought not to take the initiatory in hand shaking. It is the lady's privilege to give or withhold as she chooses. She may have some weakness of the hand, wrist, or arm, which makes a cordial grasp painful ; therefore, if she does not offer the hand it should not be set down to undue formality. Foreigners who are well bred rarely shake hands, and then only with intimate friends. When they wish to express especial deference, they touch the hand of the lady with their lips, instead of grasping it and pressing the rings into the flesh, until the tortured fingers ache with the pain. It is respectful homage, not love, that the kiss upon the baud denoteSj and is much more frequently given by them to the aged than to the young. " What a pity the novel ' On Dangerous Ground ' was ever written ; no man will dare to kiss a lady's hand again for fear it will lead to something further," said a fascinating Eve of the beau monde to an admirer at Newport. " Have no fear, madam ; I have found nothing in the book to deter me from going as much further as you like," Was the answer of this modern Adam. Keturning to cards — a young lady who has a mother CALLS AND CARDS. 85 does not need a separate visiting card during her first winter in society. When she does use one, to be comme il faut, it should not bear the direction ; such cards being appro- priated by members of the demi-monde. The street and the number always look better on the card of the husband than upon that of the wife. When necessary, it can be added in pencil on the cards of.the wife or the daughter. Where there is no mother, the father's card is left with the card of his daughter, and his name appears with that of his daughter, on cards of invitation, as — Mr. and Miss Grosvenor At Home, Thursday, October 27th. 8—11 Dancing. If the above invitation be engraved, it can then be more formal, as— Mr. and Miss Grosvenor At Home, Thursday, October 27th, from eight to eleven o'clock. Dancing. E. S. V. P. Sometimes a near relative takes the father's place, and then her name appears in the invitation as the chaperon of the young girl, instead of the name of the father ; but under no circumstances whatever is it good form for an invitation to go out in the name of the daughter alone. Numerals are permissible in dates, hours, and street numbers. The two former are always engraved when the uniformity of the lines require it. No abbreviations of names are sanctioned, but are permitted in the months, when the space requires it. Stationers, from long experi« ence, should be able to advise in such matters. It is so generally understood that an " At Home " in- 86 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vitation requires no answer, that many still use the E. S. V. P. in the right-hand corner of a card, like the above. Here it may be repeated that all cards of invita- tion, excepting those for kettle-drums, require answers. A kettle-drum signifies a light entertainment, to which ladies and gentlemen can come and go in calling costume, not generally remaining over the half hour allotted for the ex- treme length of a morning call. Of course such an invita- tion does not absolutely require any answer, nor any cards left afterwards, by those who are present. Those who are the most punctilious in the observance of social rules send an informal regret when they know positively that they cannot be present. To go back to calls, touching upon a few additional rules: it is the custom in America, as in England, for residents to call on the stranger. On the continent in Europe it is the newly arrived who call first on those whom they have known residing abroad. When it becomes a question as to which shall call first, between old residents, the elder should take the initiatory. Ladies sometimes say to each other, after having been in the habit of meeting for years without exchanging yisite, "I hope you will come and see me," and often the Answer is made, " Oh, you must come and see me first." One moment of reflection would prevent a lady from making that answer, unless she were much the elder of the two, when she could with propriety give that as the reason. The lady who extends the invitation makes the first advance, and the one who receives it should at ]ea.st say, " I thank you — ^you are very kind," even if she has no intention of availing herself of it. A lady in the fash- ionable circles of our largest metropolis once boasted that she had never made a first visit. She probably was not aware that in the opinion of those conversant with the duties CALLS AND CARDS. 87 of her position she stamped herself as being just as under- bred as if she had announced that she did not wait for any one to call upon her. No lady, surely, is of so little import- ance in the circle in which, she moves as never to be placed in circumstances where a first call is requisite from her ; nor does any one in our land so nearly approach the posi- tion of a reigning monarch as to decree that all, irrespec- tive of age or priority of residence, should make the first call upon her. In an event of exchange of calls between two ladies without meeting, who are not known to each other by sight, they should upon the first opportunity make themselves known to each other. The younger should seek the elder, or the one who has been the recipient of the first attention should introduce herself, or seek an introduction; but women of the world do not stand upon ceremony in such points. The observance of these minor rules is seldom regarded excepting by the very formal, or by those who have no confidence in themselves. Ladies knowing each other by sight, bow, after an ex- change of cards. Cards of condolence left by mere acquain- tances must be returned by " mourning cards" before such callers feel at liberty to repeat their visits. Friends of cou'^e do not wait for cards, but continue their calls with- out regard to any ceremonious observances made for the protection of the bereaved. When the latter are ready to receive the calls of their acquaintances (instead of their cards), "mourning cards" in envelopes, or otherwise, are returned to all" who have left cards since the death which was the occasion of the calls of condolence. Both ladies and gentlemen in making the first calls of the season (in the autumn), should leave one card each at all the houses where they call, even if they find the ladies receiving. The reason for this rule is evident; for where a lady receives 88 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. many morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her memory to oblige her to keep in mind what calls she has to return, or which of her calls have been returned ; and in making out lists for inviting informally, it is the card- stand very often that is first searched for bachelor's cards to meet the emergency. Young men should be careful to write their street and number on their cards. When an invitation to a house is received, for the first time, it is quite common for those so invited to show their appreciation of the courtesy by calling to leave cards the next day. This is optional, however, and depends entirely upon the cour- tesy of the one invited. When the claims of society were not so great as they are now (because of its now greatly increased numbers) it was considered a necessary civility to exchange calls before extending invitations to families that were not well known to each other. Cards are now inclosed in such invitations frequently to serve the purpose of a call, or, when there is a certain degree of acquaintance- ship between any of the members of the two families, and the invitation is for an informal gathering, even cards may be dispensed with under certain circumstances. After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. It is not con- sidered civil to send such cards by servants. They must be left in person, and if it is desired to end the acquaint- ance, the cards can be left without inquiring whether the ladies are at home. Among cultivated people there can be no more question as to the duty of leaving cards after enter- tainments than there is as to the absolute necessity of replying promptly to invitations. When no cards are left, after a hospitality extended, such a want of appreciation of the courtesy is manifested as to make it very disagreeable for those who have been trained to look upon such an omift* siou as a rudeness. CALLS AND CARDS. 89 When only the family and the most intimate friends of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the invita- tions for the marriage, or where there has been no recep- tion after the marriage at church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope) to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting terms. They who receive a card should call upon the bride within ten days after she has taken possession of her new home. Some persons have received such a card as an intimation that the card was to end the ac- quaintance. This mistake shows the necessity of a bet- ter understanding of social customs. Untrained characn ters are not willing to submit to rules. They even main- tain that good breeding is a gift and comes by nature, like poetry, never seeming to fancy that dukes, or earls, or " exclusive old families," have anything to contend with in the way of keeping out of sight those proclivities which Darwin maintains are inherited by all human beings from their four-footed ancestors, and which, when indulged in, make men clowns and boors and snobs, no matter what their rank in life. A man's happiness depends on his man- ners and his conduct; a disregard of observances reflects not only upon his own nature, but upon his early training, it is therefore incumbent upon parents to give their chil- dren right ideas on such subjects; that they may early understand that, whether their deficiencies arise from igno- rance or from carelessness, the effect of any display of them is to lower them in the opinion of those who are capable of judging of their culture. No false pride, therefore, should prevent even the most highly cultivated persons from acquainting themselves with the changing customs of the times. No sneers, no ridicule should deter them from making use of the knowledge that they acquire, not in- herit, as is supposed by the untrained and the unoulti- 90 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vated. They cannot hope to change the natures of the rude, the manners of the ill bred, for a man's nature is es- tablished and his manners formed before he reaches the age of thirty ; but their lives can bear testimony to the truth of the lesson taught by Epictetus — that no rude- ness hurts the one upon whom it is thrust. It hurts the perpetrator only. Here comes in Scripture teaching again. Men cannot gather grapes from thorns nor figs from thistles. Where the law of love and forgiveness is not the law of life, there thorns and thistles grow, and deteriorate the spiritual and the moral nature ; but their baneful in- fluence cannot prevail in the hearts of those who strive to eradicate the " tares sown by the enemy " — tares that easily take root (when not watched) with that firm hold which insures a crop of thorns and thistles for the harvest-time. Bad manners, vulgarity of nature, and bad morals flourish best together; weeds, thistles, and thorns they are that Infest all communities. Happy are they who learn early in life, without too frequent and too severe lessons, that there are poisonous and stinging plants, which one must not stoop to gather or even touch, as well as that there are human beings whom, bad as it is to have as enemies, it would be still worse to have as friends. Some ladies have adopted the English custom of rising only when their visitors leave; others prefer the conti- nental custom of accompanying ladies as far as the draw- ing-room door. In either case they should not resume their seats until their visitors have left the room. Al- though it is customary to speak of calls as morning visits, and of callers as " visitois," it is not quite correct to do so when the duration of the call is kept within the prescribed bounds ; but should a call be prolonged to an hour or two, it might then most appropriately be called a " visita- tion." To those who find the directions for callers not CALLS AND CARDS. 91 sufficiently explicit, the subjoined customs are added : A gentleman must never look at his watch during a call, unless in doing so he pleads some engagement and asks to be excused. He ought to rise upon the entrance of ladies; but he does not offer seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or unless requested to do so by the hostess, and then he does not offer his own chair if others are available. A lady gives her hand to a gentleman, as well as to ladies, if she wishes to do so, but she does not shake his hand in return. A gentleman should not grasp a lady's hand too cordially, as it takes but a slight pressure to be painful when rings are worn. A fear of such a result often pre- vents a lady who is receiving from giving her hand. Young ladies should not offer their hands to men who are not relatives, unless under exceptional circumstances, such as after an absence of some weeks, or to especial friends. A gentleman rises when those ladies with whom he is talking rise to take their leave. Ladies calling do not rise, unless those who are leaving are friends older than themselves. One should be careful not to sit out two or three parties of callers without some motive for doing so. A bore is a person who does not know when you have had enough of his or her company. A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in duration. Choose a moment to leave when there is a lull in the conversation, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess, bowing to those whom you know as you leave the room, not to each in turn, but let one bow include all. A bow never requires any inclination of the body. That style should be left to dancing-masters and to actors on the stage. Where it is the custom to summon a servant to open the door, the bell should be rung in good time, and persons on the eve of departure should be detained by the hostesi 92 BENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. in conversation until the servant appears in sight. If the gentleman of the house is present, he escorts ladies to the hall door, but should the weather be cold, they should never permit him to perform a footman's duty for them, for men have often taken severe colds from such expo- sure. Ladies should gently but firmly decline the prof- fered civility, and gentlemen should not insist against their wishes. Neither should ladies thoughtlessly keep each other standing in the draught of open doors, but as speedily as possible take their leave. "Good-bye" is the Correct form for leave-taking, and not " good morning." After visitors leave, it is the duty of a hostess to dis- courage any ill-natured comments upon those who have taken their departure, giving people to understand that her roof is not a retreat for that scandal, gossip, and talebearing which civilized hospitality condemns, and which refined hospitality looks upon as vulgar. To be sarcas- tic, to ridicule, or to tattle, is as easy as it is ill bred. A Washington journalist says : " There is one consolation for persons who are made the objects of the shafts of envy, which is, that in the estimation of those with whom alone they can do harm, they who cast them are commonly be- lieved to be the sneaks and liars they always are. No honorable man or virtuous woman can hear evil spoken of others in their absence without forming this opinion of the utterer." When a gentleman has called and not found the lady at home, it is civility upon the part of the lady to express her regret at not seeing him upon the occasion of their next meeting. He should, of course, reciprocate the regret, and not awkwardly reply : " Oh, it was of no consequence. It did not make any difference, I assure you," The lady may be fully aware of this, but it is not civil to tell her so. New Year's calls are made by gentlemen on New Year's CALLS AND CARDS. 93 day in morning dress. Dresa coats and white ties are Bometimes seen, but nowhere out of France is evening .Iress approved for " morning calls" on New Year's day or any other day. When admitted, no matter how many ladies there are in the family, only one card is given to the ser- vant, and this card not turned down. In France, cards are often sent by post on the first day of the year. An ex- cellent custom, which it would be well to introduce here. Formal calls are generally made twice a year ; but only once a year is binding, when no invitations have been re- ceived that require calls in return. A medium-sized card is in better taste than a very large one for married persons. Cards bearing the name of the husband alone are smaller. The cards of unmarried men should be very small. The engraving in simple writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing in cards can look more commonplace than large printed letters, be the type what it may. Young men can dispense with the " Mr." before their name, if they like tlie European con- tinental custom, which is much imitated in England, though not approved by all. The names of young ladies are often engraved on their mother's cards : both in script. Mrs. Millbb Jones. The Misses Jones. Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the daughter's name on the same card with their own and their husband's. Mb. and Mrs. Jones. Miss Jones. 94 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. This still further reduces the number of cards to be left at a house, and is a very sensible innovation. Glazed cards and note paper are quite out of fashion, as are cards and note paper with gilt edges. As the author of "Social Etiquette" says, the character of persons is frequently judged by the appearance of their cards, but with fashions constantly changing, it is wrong to judge a person from such a standpoint. One may use note paper with a high finish, because of a large supply on hand ; or a card with German text, because of indifference in replacing an old plate with a new one. Still, it is too true that persons are often influenced in their opinion of an individual by just such trifles, and therefore young persons should endeavor to conform to the rules of society at its best, even in such small matters as the selection of their cards and their note paper. More license is given to elderly persons in all such matters. There is a class of people who consider it a mark of superiority to hold themselves in defiance to all rules of etiquette, who affect to despise it, and take pleasure in ouf> raging it ; but it must be admitted that however well edu- cated in the matter of books these people may be, however intelligent in other directions, yet they are not born among those having fine manners, and accustomed to the require- ments of society, were not reared in high breeding, and are really ignorant of what they so despise. It would seem to be only in accordance with the first principles of common sense that people should acquaint themselves with the re- quirements of etiquette, and examine their causes, before they sweep aside what many of the very great intellects of the world have thought it worth while to approve and accept. There is another class who, not having been instructed IMPORTANCE 0¥ SOCIAL LAWS. 95 in traditionary social observances, laugh at rules which they are not familiar with, — rules, too, which the instincts of kind hearts ought to divine almost, but which out of mere thoughtlessness are too often disregarded even by the kind- hearted. Some writer has«aid : Prominent among the minor sins of major import is the sin of thoughtlessness. It retards action, chafes, irritates, and discourages actors, annuls effort and wastes power, in a word, clogs the wheels of healthful progress to a greater degree, we are persuaded, than stealing, or either of half a dozen other great sins, and yet it is often spoken of as only a sort of venial sin, a mis- fortune, or at most a failing. The descending torrent of the shower-bath braces and stimulates the system ; a forti- eth part of the quantity of the water, falling drop by drop upon the person, would drive a stout man mad. We guard by suitable clothing against the fury of the winter storm; it is the cloud of impalpable summer dust which blinds and suffocates us. Great misfortunes summon corresponding fortitude and endurance. Great sins work their own cure. Against great criminals we have the protection of the law. It is the small evil-doers, the faulty, the nuisances of society, against whom we have no protection. Excepting with those who possess broad minds, cosmo- politan ideas, and enlarged views of life, it is a human pro- pensity to think our own, in everything, the best there is. Bagehot says: "People, in all but the most favored times and places, are rooted to thfi places where they were born, think the thoughts of those places, can endure no other thoughts." These are the ones whose influence is the most pernicious if they happen to be placed in influential posi- tions. They are the deadlocks to the wheels of society, or its rocks and boulders which, although the good seed may fall upon in showers, will never furnish soil for fruit until Vb SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. they have been transformed from fossils into elements of growth. A journalist says: Neither the little burgh nor the great city should know any difference in the conduct of the indi- viduals composing its population. Allowing for the neces- sary variations in the tenor of daily life in the two places, there should be complete union regarding the proprieties; one code of behavior should cover all, and a person going from one place to the other should be utterly undistinguish- able by his conduct from those around him. If, indeed, every one took pains to be informed concerning the right and best in social intercourse and usage, and looked at the matter as one of real importance and not of frivolous tri- fling, rudeness and gaueherie would soon disappear from among us. In this connection another class of persons may be mentioned. The one comprising that large number who, having seen certain rules in books treating upon eti- quette, rely upon them, instead of upon those unwritten rules which have been handed down in families from gen- eration to generation, with only such changes as the chang- ing states of society require. Here books are prejudicial, because, instead of giving rules suited to the present cus- toms of society, they do little more than repeat the rules of a bygone age. Still another class of persons cite customs prevailing in the best society with which they are familiar, as the gen- eral customs of society at its best. No more effectual bar- rier to progress can be found than this class builds up. Nothing short of a revolution can demolish such barriers, and we have no Caesars nor Napoleons in our American society to ride over them, trampling them down on their way. For every item of the regulations of the best society there is a reason, and usually a compulsory one. Having been made intelligently, most of them can be rediscovered IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL LAWS. 97 by intelligence, although for some of the finer distinctions experience may be necessary. Obedience to these social laws is what obedience to law is in political life, and the obligations which individuals feel in their observance is said to be binding in proportion to the fineness of their sense of honor and the keenness of their self-respect. Etiquette, says the same writer, is the sovereign ruler of social pleasure ; its kingdom comprises not only manners, but the application of manners to events. The observance of its laws avoids confusion and maintains decorum, insur- ing to each individual due attention and respect. Its whole attention is to maintain the dignity of the individ- ual and the comfort of the community. Whatever enjoy- ment of our daily existence we have, so far as others are concerned, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole machinery, and keeps every cog and wheel iu place and at its own work, whicb prevents jostling, and carries all things along to their consummation. Surely the science of social intercourse and its regula- tions are worthy of being made a study, as the means through which people meet each other, maintaining har- mony and peace in their relations, and securing the great- est possible amount of pleasure and comfort to all. 7 98 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER III. KECAPITULATEB AND ADDED ETJLES, WITH COMMENTS — A SENSIBLE PEOrOSITION — THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITY — CADS, SLANDEEEES, AND SCANDAL-MONGEKS — INFLU- ENCE OF NJ^WSPAPEES — YOUNG AMEEICA — AEISTIPPUS'S PHILOSOPHY. "Dans une sociiU Men organisie chacun doit coneourir d, Vagriment de tous; et c'est 5 ce point de vue que VHiquette d aa raison d'Hre, sans elle il n'y aurait d'ordre nulle pari : la foule ne seraii plus qu'une cohue." — E. MuLLKR. "Private scandal should never be received nor retailed willingly, for though the defamation of others may, for the present, gratify the malignity of our hearts, yet cool reflection will draw very disadvan- tageous conclusions from such a disposition. In scandal as in rob- bery the receiver is always thought as bad as the thief." — Lord Ches- ierjield. " "We ought not to speak slightly of others, or of their affairs, for, notwithstanding we may seem by that means to gain the most willing and ready attraction (from the envy which mankind usually conceive at the advantages and honors which are paid to others), yet every one will at length avoid us, as they would a mischievous bull, for all men shun the acquaintance of people addicted to scandal, naturally supposing that what they say of others in their company they will say of them in the company of others." — Galaieo. " Gossip, pretending to have the eyes of an Argus, has all the blind- ness of a bat." — Ouida. The violation of some of the following simple rules renders one liable to be thought either haughty, ignorant, or unfriendly. " In addressing strangers, commence with ' Madam ' or RECAPITULATED AND ADDED RULES. 99 * Sir.' After an interchange of letters ' Dear Sir ' or ' Dear Madam' is more courteous, unless you wish to restrain undue familiarity." " Conclude all formal letters as ' Yours truly,' or ' Very truly yours,' or ' Most truly yours.' Writing to friends use, according to the degree of intimacy, ' Sincerely yours,' 'Faithfully yours,' or 'Affectionately yours.'" " Sign your full name when writing to a friend or equal, not initials with the surname." " An answer to a note should never be more formal than the note, unless intended as a check upon unwarranted familiarity in the mode of writing. "Letters of introduction should receive immediate at- tention. When left with a card, if there is a gentleman in the family, he calls upon the stranger the next day, unless some engagement prevents, when he should send his card with an invitation. If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she writes a note of invitation in answer." " Always reply promptly to a letter or a note, no matter of what nature, and always pay the postage, taking special care that the stamp you use covers the weight. Acknowl- edge all attentions immediately, when possible, such as the sending of a present of game, flowers, books or pamphlets." "After stopping with a friend living in another city than your own, write at once after your return home. After visiting a friend at her country-seat, or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a call is due her upon her return to her town residence." This is one of those occasions upon which the call must be made promptly and in person, un- less you have a reason for wishing to discontinue the ac- quaintance, and even then it would be more civil to take another opportunity for dropping a friend who has wished to show you a civility, unless her character has beeu irre- trievably lost in the meantime. 100 SENSIBLE BTLQUBTTB. "In writing letters or notes, distinguish between the words ' come ' and ' go.' A friend comes to your house, you go to hers. Examples : ' I will go to you,' ' Will you come to me?'" " Invitations from younger ladies to elder ones should ipvariably be preceded by a call." " Where visiting has ceased for years between families, as during a prolonged residence abroad, the firet call is re- turned within the prescribed time for first calls, viz,, fro^ three days to one week." " All invitations should be answered as soon as received.''' The late Mr. McAllister, of Philadelphia, once said: " Only those who are in the habit of giving frequent en- tertainments can understand the importance of following closely in the footsteps of the best society abroad in the rigid observance of this rule." In addition to the greater convenience of the hostess, which the fulfilment of this rule confers, there is another reason why it should never be neglected, namely : those who violate it lay themselves open to the suspicion of intentional rudeness, when possibly thoughtlessness^ or ignorance of the customs of the best society, has been the cause of the dereliction. " It is the duty of a gentleman' who attends an enter- tainment to have himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not fcnow ; if not possible upon the evening of the entertainment, upon the first occasion of meeting afterward." This rule is more than ever binding in reference to a daughter just entering society, for whom the entertainment is given, or for a son upon attaining his majority, or for a guest whom you are asked to meet. A man who was once reminded of a gross remissness of this description, replied:: " We Patagonians don't run after any one." " After a dinner or an evening party, it is not enough KKCAPITtTLATED AND ADDED RULES. 101 simply to leave a card, without inquiring whether the ladies are at home." A call should then be made in person within one week. Those ladies who have not time to re- tarn thanks for an extended hospitality, can leave their cards on any other day than that of a weekly reception, without asking for the family, with the probable result of their time not being overtaxed with invitations from the Same source in future". Ladies who complain of not having time to fulfil their social duties to their superiors in age, should remember that what we wish very much to do w.e always find time to do. Where the lady who has entertained has no weekly re- ception day, it is not customary for her to receive during the days immediately following an entertainment. For this reason, those persons who really wish to be admitted are sometimes tardy in making the required call. " A lady once admitted into a house must be seen at any cost of inconvenience, but a well-trained servant soon learns to discriminate between those ladies who are calling merely to leave their cards and those who are really desirous of being admitted." Any hesitation upon the part of a servant as to whether the lady called upon is receiving, authorizes the leaving of cards instead of waiting to be ushered in, only to be shown out again, as sometimes happens ; and the same privilege extends to the servant, who, if the question is repeated : "Are you quite sure that the lady is receiving?" is at liberty to present his salver for the cards, unless his mistress is in the drawing-room. The observance of these two rules pre- vents that tiresome and almost inexcusable delay which some ladies occasion by making their toilettes before de- scending to receive their guests, and which justifies a lady in leaving her card without entering, where she has re- peatedly encountered such an experience. 102 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. In a society where this is the rule and not the exception, elderly ladies should be excused from making ceremonious calls upon those who are younger than themselves. Also, when a lady reaches that age which makes it no longer agree- able to her to accept invitations, though she still entertains, she should feel herself at liberty to return the calls of all but her superiors in age and station with invitations, or by cards left in person at the door, without the inquiry being made as to whether the lady is receiving. In the best so- ciety in America, as in the most exclusive circles abroad, it is, however, held binding in all but exceptional cases to make the inquiry. "It is not considered good form to send invitations to older persons until after the first call of the season has been made." "A gentleman, after having himself introduced to a lady who has consented to the introduction, is at liberty to call upon her, or to leave his card at her door. It should bear his direction, that she may be able to return, his atten- tion with an invitation, should it be in her power to do so." Members of clubs or societies entertaining do not leave cards after the entertainment. Only those to whom the invitation is extended out of the club. If not given at a private house, and no card inclosed, no call is binding. Gentlemen not having time to make morning calls can inclose their cards and send them by post. The " London World" has recently been agitating the subject of sending the' cards of single gentlemen, recipients of invitations, by post, instead of delivering them by a footman, as is the custom now in London. The writer says: "Our modern practice of interchanging cards is scarcely to be explained on any rational theory of social intercourse. The duty of leaving cards at houses where a dance or din- INTEKCHANGING CARDS. 103 ner has been given or may be anticipated, falls as a serious tax on the time and strength of all classes, but especially of the carriageless portion of the community; and a griev- ance which was trifling when London distances were less enormous, calls for a remedy when, simply to deliver a card into, the hands of a footman, may involve a pilgrimage from Prince's Gate to Portland Place, or from Bayswater to Westminster. No better remedy can be suggested than tliat which is the most obvious one, namely, the transmis- sion of cards to their destination through the post-office. This plan is, at least, preferable to the alternative plan commonly resorted to by single gentlemen of leaving their cards with a butler over night on trust to deliver them on the following afternoon. If it should be feared that in passing through the post-office cards would lose the senti- ment involved in them, it may be replied that they have long since lost any sentiment worth preserving. Originally they expressed, as they occasionally do now, a genuine re- gret at having failed to meet a friend ; but their existing use is an extension and abuse of their original intention, destitute of any real feeling of friendliness, and expressive of nothing beyond a cold conformity to the received canons of politeness. The accumulated ingenuity of generations has seriously complicated the primitive simplicity of card- leaving. The exact significance of a dog's-eared card, the fitting apportionment of cards in a family, are among the questions which belong to the vastes et vagues, or wild wasteland of unwritten etiquette; and to expect any one to carry about with him a complete knowledge of card lore is as little reasonable as to expect a man to possess a port- able knowledge of the pedigrees of the Plantagenets." This is a sensible proposition, and it is to be hoped that our American gentlemen will not wait for the custom to be established in England before adopting it here. To 104 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Philadelphia belongs the honor of introducing in America the English custom of sending answers to notes of invita- tion by post. Of course, answers, to invitations for dinner, opera, or theatre parties, which require a reply the same day, cannot be trusted to the post where the delivery is not hourly, as in London; but for invitations which. do not require immediate answers, the post is thoroughly re- liable. It has become almost a necessity for ladies who entertain much to receive their answers in this way, other- wise they would be obliged to change their servants con- stantly, for nothing is so wearing to the patience of servants as to be called oif from their daily work every three or four minutes — as when several hundred invitations have been issued — to answer the bell. Much more convenient is it also for the sender of the note to have it dropped in the nearest post-box, instead of sending the servant a mile or more to deliver it. The suggestion, made in an article in " Lippincott's Magazine," early in 1873, was at once acted upon by the members of the Philadelphia Saturday Club in sending out invitations for their weekly suppers. It has since found favor among the oldest and most highly culti- vated families in that city. Everything which tends to lighten the labors of those who entertain should be regarded; for very often houses are hospitably thrown open, not so much for selfish ends, as because it is a pleasure to fulfil one's social duties where the hostess is met by the same kind feeling which prompts her to the exertion of entertaining, and where her inten- tions are interpreted on the same broad basis of " peace and good-will towards all," which she desires to maintain. " One cannot serve God and mammon " is a quotation often made by persons who seem to forget that the best way of serving God is to serve the' world by being of use in it. Those persons who are able to entertain, owe duties THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITY. 105' £o society arid to the community which are seldom realized to the extent that they ought to be. Not only is f'efined social intercourse encouraged, by those who aim att a high standard, in excluding the unrefined, but women who live by their needles are helped to maintain themselves in comfort, merchants arfe aided, the csitererS, or dealers in provision, who supply the suppers, the florists, the musicians, all are helped ; to say nothing of the enjoyment conferred upon the J^ourig for whose pleasure dances are given. Then, too, we all know how those who do not return their debts of hos- pitality in some way are looked upon. There is no civiliza- tion so high, nor no barbarism so low, that it does hot count hospitality among the social virtues. It is so important sL thing to the growth of the individual soul, and to keeping steady the balance of social economy, that we are not only bound to the practice of it, but to study and consider it in its moral relations, says a writer upon the ethics of hospitality. He tells us that in the countries of Europe hospitality has been reduced to a very complete system, which has, at the back of it all, certain fixed rules that both host and guest are bound to respect. Here, he justly says, we lose much of the good eflFect of hospitality by a careless disregard of mutual rights. There all is governed by certain social laws, which are as unvarying as the laws of the Medes and Persians. Until we adopt a similar code, he adds, we can- not have anything like a complete social system. It is possible that only those whose homes are social centres realize to the full extent the importance of these rules; otherwise we should not find such gross carelessness pre- vailing in their observance. As we have the right to ex- pect more from those whose education and position are the best, the neglect of social rules by the highly placed is more to their shame than is that of the badly educated ; for if training is gOod for anything at all, it ought to be good all 106 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. through. Good manners are not to be put on for stata occasions, like fine clothes, but they should be an integral \ part of the nature, always there, like the shadow of the substance, the echo of the voice. The secret of the fine manner of the well bred, among the upper classes, resides in the dignified respect which they not only demand for themselves, but which they pay to others. A lady once said to an English nobleman : " Is it pos- sible that your men accept invitations to houses in London,^ and the next day, in the Park, cut the host or the hostess of the night before ?" He answered, " Yes, there are men who do it, but they are cads." To be a gentleman, and not a cad, requires that high degree of self-respect which is only equalled by a keen sense of the respect and estima- tion in which others have a right to be held. Self-respect will dictate propriety of deportment in every situation that can present itself, suggesting the due degree of familiarity with intimates, and the right bearing with strangers and toward inferiors. Haughtiness and reserve are not charac- teristics of the gentleman, but of the parvenu. The true gentleman can afford to forget his dignity : the imitator cannot. Silver shines brighter the more you use it; but electroplate must be tenderly used. A gentleman, while conscious of what is due to himself, does not forget what is due to others. He could not, without just cause, 'cut' the man or the woman in whose house he had broken bread, or whose roof had covered him, because in doing it he would lose that which he most values, namely, his self-re- spect, the most priceless possession that either a man or a woman can hold. Quite recently, an American lady living at a court that is more exclusive than that of St. James, was asked by one of the noblesse, " Are you going to the Blazers' ball ?" " I do not know them," was the answer. "Oh, that makes CADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL-MONGERS. 107 no difference; all that you have to do is to leave your cards, and straightway you will get an invitation back. They will feel honored by your going, and you need never know them afterwards." " I could not accept an invitation to a house where I did not wish to know its inmates," answered the American ; and such must be the instinctive feeling of every true gentlewoman and gentleman. Self-respect has no finer method of expression than that of respect for others. If we could get it firmly* implanted as an article of belief that disrespect is an unpardonable vulgarity, we should be quicker to mend our ways, and to pay the tribute we all claim for ourselves as our inalienable due from others, as their inherited and inalienable right also. Whoever receives an invitation is bound to receive it as a mark of kind feeling, and to remember that self-respect requires conformance to all conventional rules in connection with hospitalities extended, as well as that any neglect of such observances shows deficiency either in qualities of the heart or in early training. Even thoughtlessness comes, as we have seen, from inadequate instruction as to the du- ties of life. Some one has truly said that to be thoughtless is to be vulgar. Yet who, of all living nien and women, has not been found guilty of some thoughtless act of rude- ness? But a lady, although betrayed by haste or unexpected events into a seeming rudeness, will never commit a pre- meditated one. This is one of the tests of ladyhood from its counterfeit, of sterling gold from base metal; and just as truly as the false coin is sure to be detected in the end, so surely will the genuine coin hold its own value, despite the assertions of those who deny its worth. Society should maintain that esprit de corps which would lead its members to support those who are worthy of re- spect, never permitting their actions to be arraigned by the narrow-minded, sneered at by the envious, or distorted by 108 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the tale-bearing detractor, without firlding some words of defence or extenuation of the conduct of the accused one. There are few persons whose opinions are worth regarding that have not sufficient penetration to fathom the motives of the calumniator, and yet there are some credulous na- tures that believe all that they hear. A lady was once so unfortunate as, to have column after column of fictitious events in Ler life given to the public as actual events. In after years one of the most sensible of her friends alluded to one of these incidents as an actual fact. The lady answered, "If you, who are my friend, think me capable of such conduct, what must my enemies think?" "Why I read it myself in a newspaper," was the naive answer. If there is any man on earth that ought to be a man of honor, it is a man that has a newspaper and can say what he pleases, without any one having a chance to defend him- self, says some English writer, continuing, and when that man pretends to be a Christian, and to serve God, and shows his untruth only in very pious forms, is not such a man a strong argument as to the future punishment of the wicked? At last, however, even newspapers are awakening to a knowledge of the evil that they are doing in pandering to plebeian tastes. Says a journalist : " This age will hold its Own for inveracity among all the ages of the past; but it bids fair to eclipse the ages of Tiberius and Nero in its reckless assaults upon reputation. That men should deliberately and day after day defame public men in the public prints has ceased to surprise anybody. Frequency blunts the edge of murder even But we cannot help thinking that this age of scandal will finally pass away, and be re- membered and referred to pretty much in the same fashion as the era of witchcraft is remembered and referred to." Most certainly, next to mothers, the public press is re- Bponsible for this -prevailing inveracity. It gives ere- CADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL-MONGERS. 109 clence to and perpetuates the unspeakably mean utterances of the slanderer and the scandal-monger. A writer, in the "Washington Republican," says of this class of beings: It is their office to defame virtue and despoil worth, to feed on the failings of the good, and fatten on the follies of the weak. Vile themselves, without a sentiment of honor or decency, they cannot endure to see others respected for traits they do not possess, or beloved for conduct of which they are incapable. Hence they make the estate of purity the prey of their piracies and the object of their plunder. Nothing is so sacred as to deter them, and no eminence is beyond their attack. Is there a man who stands high in the estimation of the public by reason of the excellence of his character and thequality of his endowments, they rest not until they have smirched the one, and disparaged the other by the fiendish devices of innuendo and insinuation, which constitute the weapons of the guilty ambush they keep in perpetual reserve for those they dare not openly assail for fear of popular resentment. Lives there a woman whose fair fame transcends the plane of ordinary attain- ments, because of special attributes, accomplishments, and graces, all the precedents of successful calumny and false- hood are ransacked for suggestion of means to depose and humiliate her, without subjecting the authors of the de- traction to the punishment they deserve. So goes the world, one portion of its inhabitants striving to be worthy of the general esteem, and to achieve the high- est blessings of life for all, while the other portion strains every nerve to pull the aspiring down to the baser level of vulgar existence and vile enjoyments itself attains and en- joys. And unceasingly have the good in all ages labored to solve the problem of morals involved in human instincts and agencies, hoping ever and anon to arrive at such a knowledge of the subject as should enable them to lift up 110 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the debased, and reclaim the fallen, and to establish such associations and institutions amons; men as should ulti- mately remove class antagonism in so far as to admit of brethren dwelling together in unity, and to secure general peace and fellowship. But we fear that while man remains mortal, and therefore frail, this consummation so devoutly to be wished for will remain in abeyance, and the good with which philosophers and philanthropists would crown the happiness of the world will be reserved for the eternal possession. We have no such hope as that which animates the Utopian believer; and the great obstacle in the way of the realization is the spirit of envy which prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests, and unless, by the interposition of Providence, men are made better by supplemental inspira- tion, it will continue to tear down as fast as love and labor shall build up ; and the purposes and pleasures of the good must be forever marred by the will and wickedness of the bad. Forever must virtue suffer from the whispered inti- mations of vice, and honor bow before the imputations of shame. But if this esprit de corps, already spoken of, could be maintained in society, how much might be abated of the power exercised by evil natures, slanderous tongues, and thoughtless brains ! As long as the very kindness of heart which shapes the course of some members of society is made to confront them in some odious form, as long as there is so little of that charity that thinketh no evil, and so much of that credence of the vilest insinuations that it would seem only demons could breathe, it is as Utopian to look for any esprit de corps in society as to look for a change of character in the depraved, or for angelic natures in tlie human. In illustration of the odious construction which malevo- OADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL -MONGERS. Ill lence can put upon a hospitable act, an incident is given which the compiler vouches for as having occurred in a neighboring city. An invitation for a ball was sent by mistake to the house of a lady, the members of whose family were all strangers to the lady inviting, although the name was the same as that of the invited. The lady to whom the invi- tation was sent had no children; the lady who received it had nine sons and one daughter (as the story was told), who left their cards immediately upon the lady inviting. She was advised by a friend to send for her invitation, but refrained from doing so out of regard for the feelings of the young persons who had left the cards, and, instead, extended her invitation to the sister and one brother, her list being quite too large to add to it the eight remaining brothers. This lady's course was afterwards misrepresented, and she was held up publicly as having intruded herself upon a family whom she did not know and who did not wish to know her. The degree in which discourtesies are felt depends en- tirely upon the coarseness or the fineness of the moral fibre. The Sybarite complains of the crumpled roseleaf on his couch ; the woman who maintains in her household that observance of the courtesies of life which are too often re- served for the stranger or for company, can never learn to look upon rudenesses in any other light than as social bar- barities, though she may become perfectly indifferent to them. The author too often revels in them, we fear, as en- abling him to "point a moral and adorn a tale," as he would otherwise be incapable of doing, for it is impossible for writers who have had no experience in social inhumani- ties to invent them. " Write, if you must," said a gentleman, several years 112 SENSIBLE ETIXJUBTTB. ^ince, to an author, " but for heaven's sake leave out yoi^r illustrations." "An author cannot write without illustrations," was the answer. " Even our Lord had to use parables when he wished to instruct." " Yes, and if you want to be crucified, I know of no better way to attain your end. You are ignorant of human nature if you do not know that for every illustration there will be scores of persons who \yill think that they are each individually meant, and each will become youf enemy." The author answered in the witty words of* another, placed in similar circumstances : " I imagine when th|e people were in the Deluge^ they were under such showeis and discharges that no one drop hurt them." "I'm used to running the gauntlet," said Tupper, oi^e day to a friend, " and don't care a bit for slander, ridicule, or even libel. Let them rave. No shuttlecock can fly aloft without battledores ; and I know well that all such only help success." There are others again who have to bring in Christian principle to help them bear slander and misrepresentations, — sensitive to praise and to blame, — who, while they pity and forgive, suffer if they cannot make explanations to remove the odium thrown upon them by misrepresenta- tion and falsehood ; but no one can nave an opportunity of explaining all such charges, even were it desirable to do so, so that those upon whom stigmas are unjustly affixed often have no resource but to bear them. It is better to try to forget the petty meannesses and trickeries of our kind in recalling the acts and words of noble men and women, which stand like wayside shrines all along the paths of some lives; for the noble attract each other, and the Scrip- ture truth is always repeating itself that to him who hath shall be given. It becomes easy, in time, to look over the INFLUENCE OF NEWSPAPERS. 113 remissness, if not the rudeness, of those who have had fewer opportunities of realizing how neglect of what are to them seemingly trifling observances, affects others who have been trained to regard them as defining the boundary line between the well bred and those who are not well bred. If we could know all the circumstances that go to make up the characters of the people around us, we would grow as merciful and as pitiful as the angels, it has been said. It is the mother upon whom rests the blame or the credit of the breeding of her child, for it lies in her power to change even its natural disposition, where desirable, by judicious training. They who are unable to feel pity instead of anger, who are unable to return good for evil, and to pass over rude- ness and remissness with Christian charity, who cannot console themselves for undeserved calumnies by the con- sciousness of the purity of their motives, can at least re- member that if they allow the experiences of life to breed in them a contempt for human nature, it will make their lives barren and stormful, while if they open their hearts to pity instead of to condemn, it may result in that calm and helpful action which brings about reforms. A still larger class, however, will find consolation in the known fact that names which lie upon the ground are not easily set on fire by the torch of envy, but that those quickly catch it which are raised up by fame, or wave to the breeze of pros- perity. Every one that passes is ready to give them a shake and a rip, for there are few either so busy or so idle as not to lend a hand at undoing. If you are not clad in an armor that will enable you to defy the assaults of envy, retire into private life, says another writer, who equally well understands human nature when not redeemed by grace, Thackeray touches more than once upon this especial 114 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. phase of weakness in English society. In " Pendennis," he makes " Pen's " criticism of Lady MuiFborough's book ("in which it was difBcult to say which was the worst, her French or her English") keenly relished by some of her ac- quaintances. To use Thackeray's own words : " Wenham's bilious countenance was puckered up with malignant pleas- ure as he read the critique. Lady Muffborough had not asked him to her parties during the last year. Lord Fal- coner giggled and laughed with all his heart; Lord Muff- borough and he had been rivals ever since they began life." There are Wenhams and Falconers in all circles of so- ciety; butjust as authors grow callous in time to the attacks of critics, so women in the gay world learn to accept the shafts of the ill natured as mere pin-pricks which leave no abiding effect, and never rise to explain. Society asJcs no explanatimis, and expects none, excepting where apologies must be made for gross rudenesses that cannot be . passed over unnoticed. Like the patch over the worn place, they often draw attention to what might otherwise never have been noticed. Explanations are bad things, says the Rev. F. Robert- son. You best maintain your own dignity by not making any. Another writer, fully as sensible, touching upon ex- planations, says : " Never enter into explanations concerning those whom you do not invite when you entertain ; it is to give up completely your own rights. Every P^nglishman's home is his castle. If he gives up any of the ground on which it stands, he will be invaded." This is advice, however, which few people really need. They generally exercise full independence in such matters; although there are some who are deterred from entertain- ing because of the disposition to calumniate which those who entertain provoke in the uninvited. This state of things, together with the remissness of the young, has had its effect in substituting quite another class of entertain- INFLUENCE OP NEWSPAPERS. 115 ments for balls and dancing parties, — namely, day recep- tions and kettle-drums. It is not out of place here to show how this has operated by an illustration. The wife of one of our most distinguished American gentlemen, and the wife of one of our ex-Cabinet ministers, in conversation with a third lady, acknowledged they had both ceased to give entertainments for young people, owing to the want of appreciation shown of the efforts of hostesses to con- tribute their quota to the social gayeties of their respective circles. " Not unfrequently," remarked one of these ladies, " I am passed on the street by some of these young girls, with a movement of the chin and eyelids which is intended to serve the purpose of a bow, but which serves only to show their breeding. The young men whom I have in- vited, at the request of some common friend, do not think it worth their while to recall themselves to my memory by bowing the next time they meet me, and the sons of some of my friends, instead of coming up to speak with me for a moment and pass on, when they meet me for the first time after having spent an evening at my house, avoid catching my eye even. Some young married people are almost as remiss, never approaching me to express the pleasure they had, or the regret they felt, as the case may be, and, con- sequently, Mr. 01d6cole and I prefer to give dinners in- stead of balls, and to confine our invitations to persons who know what common civility requires." The second lady answered : " Dear me ! you are much more exacting than I am. All that I asked, or even expected, was a prompt answer, and a card left at my door, by each of the guests whom I had invited; but when that became too much trouble for my young friends to do, it then became too much trouble for me to turn my house upside down for their pleasure. Now I give kettle-drums, which require no answers, nor no cards left afterwards by those who 116 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE come." These ladies spoke the thoughts of many others of the family Oldecole, who rebel too much against the re- missness of some of our untrained young people to permit that -extent of hospitality which would be gladly shown if the manners of all young people were such as to exhibit any appreciation of courtesies extended to them. " I have given my last dance," said an old lady, whose delight it was to gather young people around her for the sake of witnessing the pleasure that it was in her power to give. " I cannot invite the civil, and leave out the uncivil, when I give a ball ; but I can do so when I give the class of entertainments that I shall confine myself to in future." Such a comment upon society reveals the fact that this age needs to be one of social reform. That reaction which has set itself in opposition to the rigid formalism of the past has brought with it a train of evils which has weak- ened morals as well as helped to destroy good manners, but we cannot hold this reaction altogether responsible for the evils complained of. They lie quite as much at the doors of mothers and teachers and editors of newspapers. The writer of an editorial, "Do. Ameri^n Women Con- verse Well," published in the " Philadelphia Evening Bul- letin," many years since, stated that no man who had not travelled had seen a woman. The writer went much too far in making such a sweeping assertion, for we fancy that in his own «ity he would not have had to travel very much out of his way to find whole households of them. The men and women who compose the best society of that city are noted for their punctilious observance of tradition- ary rules of etiquette, such as are found in no books, and which cannot well be inserted in any, and for that fine manner which is so impalpable a thing that there is no crucible in which it can be impounded, no scales, be they ever so fine, in which it can be weighed. The one glaring INFLUENCE OF NEWSPAPERS. ' 117 iaulfc of mixed society in that city is the gullibility which its members show in reference to gossip and slander. Still this credulity is not confined to them. Quite recently a talented correspondent of a New York paper has tran- scribed for her readers the following incident, seemingly with the expectation that it will be believed. If there are any who give it credence, ft will not be among those who are acquainted with the decorum and formalities of court life, nor yet among any who have ever met the high-bred woman of whom the story is narrated. Empresses and queens are human, it is true, but they do not behave like fishwomen and hucksters when they have cause for offence. They do not show their resentment in vulgar forms as here narrated ; their weapons -are polished even when they are keen and deadly. "The Empress has just returned to Vienna from Eng- land, where she has been amusing herself since Christmas. It is said that her imperial majesty was quite offended by a remark of Queen Victoria. I can only repeat it as I heard it from the lips of a palace lady who ought to know. The Empress went to take lunch at Osborne House. The Queen received her in all kindness, of course, but in their conversation she expressed astonishment at the love evinced by the Empress for dogs, horses, and riding across country, instead of devoting herself more closely to domestic life and the duties and pleasures mothers and grandmothers are supposed to enjoy. The prettiest grandmamma in Europe was angry, arose, and saying, ' Each one to her taste,' left the most sensible grandmamma to eat her lunch alone. The English Queen is a model of decorum, the pink of propriety, but she should not stick pins in butter- flies; no, no; the Empress was made for sunshine and flowers, and may God give them to her." But to return to the question, " Do American women 118 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. converse well ?" Many of the women of culture in our cities are not to be excelled by any women in the world in the art of conversation. In point of purity and real moral elevation, the best society in America is possibly superior, and at any rate equal to that of the upper classes in Eng- land, writes an English author, adding, the American middle class is certainly more cultivated, more interested in study and reading and things appertaining to mental culture than the commercial class in England. The Phila- delphia editor, after further remarks concerning the com- parative merits of European and American women, con- tinues: "Our ladies" (?) (mothers he should have said) "are accountable for the tendency in our young men to rowdyism and blackguardism If we would save the manners and the morals of our country, our women must have a higher tone What we wish is to change in- sipid girls and rowdy young men into rational, intellectual human beings. Will our readers help us ?" Although this editor evidently held erroneous ideas as to our best society, his object was a commendable one. It re- quires no small amount of moral courage to enter this "broad field of missionary labor" as "a pioneer;" but he does not stand alone as he did then. Our journals, as well as those of England, are now teeming with articles calling attention to "the decay of fine manners" that characterizes this age. A London journalist, recently writing on this subject, takes the same ground that the Philadelphia editor took so many years ago. He says : — It is scarcely necessary to occupy ourselves with the demonstration that the manners of the community have, during the present century, undergone a serious change for the worse. Their deterioration is a matter of notoriety and universal comment, and the unanimity with which this conclusion is affirmed acquits us of the obligation of proving INFLUENCE OF NEWSPAPERS. 119 it Assuming, then, that the prevalent opinion on the subject is a correct cue, let us see if we cannot account more or less clearly for the fact it deplores. Wherein consist good manners? I think it will be found that the secret or essence of good manners, as of good- ness in all other things, consists in suitableness, or in other words of harmony. When we speak of harmony, we neces- sarily imply a relation between two things. We signify that the relation between them is what it should be ; that the just proportion between them has been observed ; and that out of this justness of proportion, this relation as it should be, springs what is designated by the significant word propriety. What is manner? Manner is the deportment of one individual to another ; which is as much as to say, the out- ward and phenomenal relation of one individual to another. Now, every person — if we make exception of monarchs — can stand toward other people in three distinct social rela- tions. You may be the superior of the person you are speaking to, you may be his equal, or you may be his inferior ; and I venture to affirm that your manner will be good or bad according as it recognizes or fails to observe the fact in each case respectively. I am not addressing myself to those persons who avow themselves insensible to subtle distinctions, and whose only notion of distinction between one manner and another is that it is vulgar or the reverse, polite or the opposite. I address myself to those who make the complaint that fine manners have suffered decay, and who are alive to all the infinite shades and gradations of which a really fine manner is susceptible. And, firstly, as regards the deportment of a person of fine manners to his superior. In this there will be a stand- ing deference, but never a shade of servility ; and the in- clination of tone, gesture, and language will be as slight, 120 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. as natural, as graceful, but as perceptible to an observant eye and ear as the movement say, of a weeping willow in a light breeze. Suppose that two persons are conversing, and a third enters. The third ought to be able to tell at once which is the superior, and which the inferior, sup- posing the distinction to exist, and though the distinction be by no means a strongly marked one. Ask him how he knows ; and he can no more tell you how, than one can say why one face is beautiful and another is not, or than a neuralgic subject can say, save by his own impressions, that there is brewing a thunder-storm. The superiority I speak of may be one either of rank, age, or acquired distinction; but a well-bred person, a person of fine manners, never fails to give it recognition. A man of thirty, who comports himself to a man of seventy as he would to a person of his own age, is wanting in this instinct, and is as much a clown as is one who addresses a woman with the familiarity he employs toward a . man. What constitutes good manners in this case is the maintenance of a just proportion, in plainer language, of a proper distance, between the two people; inother words, the preservation of harmony. The neglect of a just relation makes impropriety or discord. Quite as subtle but quite as certain a line will mark off the superior from the inferior ; though perhaps the distance is created rather by the inferior than by the superior, and by the obligation the latter feels himself under to accept the situation laid down by the other. Here again an ab- solute stranger ought to find quick indications of the rela- tive position of the two, though he might be sorely put to it to give an account of the faith which is in him. The relation of equal to equal might, at first sight, seem to be a much simpler matter. On the contrary, I take it to be considerably more complex. For there are more faults that can be committed in this last of the three INFLUENCE OP NEWSPAPERS. 121 relations than in either of the other two. The only mis- take an inferior, deficient in fine manners, is likely to com- mit in dealing with his superior, is_to act as though he were the latter's equal; and the only danger to which the su- perior is subject, in conversing with his inferior, is the danger of asserting, or over-assertingj his superiority, in- stead of leaving it to the other to establish the fact by insensibly conceding it. But your equal can obviously commit either blunder. ~He may be arrogant and pre- suming, or he may show himself apologetic, timid, and uneasy. Either blunder serves to introduce an element of awkwardness and discomfort into the conversation, and, if the blunder be one of large proportions, renders the situa- tion intolerable. You may have your bumptious cad, or your cringing cad. It is difficult to say which is the more insufferable. At last the horrible discrepancy between what you have a right to expect, and what as a fact you encoun- ter, becomes so trying, that it 'gives on your nerves,' like bells jangled and out of tune. The discord is excruciating. The fellow has violated the laws of harmony. He knows nothing about the j ust proportion or fitness of things. Suit- ableness is to him a word without a meaning, and his life is one long unconscious impropriety. It is this ignoring of distinction, this abolishment of perspective in the social future, this blurring over of the fine harmonies of individual color and character, that has wrought the widespread vulgarization of manners. Vul- gar familiarity is inconsistent with fine manners. A per- son of fine manners is never familiar with his superiors, even ostensibly ; never familiar with his inferiors in real- ity, and not often familiar even with his equals. But, perhaps, one of the most lamentable if not the most marked feature in the decay of fine manners, is to be ob- served in the change which has come over tiie manner of 122 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. men towards women, or let me say, for fear we should be misunderstood, of gentlemen towards ladies. We will not conjure a storm of remonstrance by presuming to decide who ' first began it.' But we need not be afraid to say that, even supposing it was men who first led the decline down the path of excessive familiarity, women have so af- fably followed their lead that it has become exceedingly difficult for a man to preserve with some women that dis- tance which every well-bred 'person feels, and every thoughtful person must grant, is indispensable to the main- tenance in society of the due relations of the sexes. When a woman playfully tells you you area 'pig,' and addresses you with exquisite humor, 'Oh, you beast!' it is difficult to observe towards her that fineness of manner which you imagined was her due. If she may call you by such af- fectionate names, what may you not call her in turn ? Why should you trouble yourself to be decorous in the presence of a person to whom decorum is apparently of so little moment? Why should you not swear, loll, expectorate — if you like, go to sleep ? Why should you hand her a chair if she wants one ? She probably tells you, ' I can get it myself.' Why should you not take her at her word ? Why rise when she rises ? You are tired, or at any rate you find it inconvenient. It is a nuisance to have to put one's self about so for women ; and certainly when women cease to thank you for doing so, one of the motives for suffering inconvenience has passed away. This is no question of morals, I dare say women are as good as ever they were. I believe they are. But their manners are indisputably decaying. They no longer silently exact that deference from men which is every woman's natural right, and which no sagacious woman ever forfeits. She will not long re- ceive it, even if she hankers after it, from her ' pig ' and her 'beast.' The consequence is that men 'swagger' INFLUENCB OF NEWSPAPERS. 123 in the presence of women to a degree that even the women we speak of find offensive. They have corrupted men's manners, and they complain of the corruption. Corrup- tio optimi pesdma est ; and there is nothing so sad as lack of fine manners in a gentleman, except the lack of them in a lady. In the deference which every woman should exact and every man either instinctively or cheerfully concede, we may, perhaps, catch the indications of the answer to be made to a possible objection. It might be objected in these days that it is not agreeable, and is even humiliating, to have to recognize superiority in others, especially when the superiority does not rest upon virtue, but upon purely ar- tificial qualifications. But a recognition of something due to women, and equally to old age, which a man of fine feel- ing, no less than of fine manners, should feel, surely puts us upon the trace of a reply to this objection. No one feels humiliated by deferring to a woman, or to a person much older than himself. If it be answered that such def- erence is paid to their weakness, and is on that account not humiliating, we respond — waiving the extraordinary cyni- cism of the argument to which we reply — that in that case a weak man need not defer to a strong woman, and also that, as a matter of fact, many persons who are much older than one's self are likewise much stronger. Young men do not defer to their fathers solely out of consideration for their fathers' failing powers. It is a sense of propriety which leads them to be deferential to both parents alike, to the one who is weak and to the other who is strong. Ab- solutely artificial superiority, no doubt, is willingly recog- nized by no one ; but while, as a rule, conventional superi- ority does represent some sort of real superiority, the truly wise man does not refuse to concede a slight shade of def- erence to superiority merely artificial, provided it is of the 124 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. .sort that is bound up with the general constitution and machinery of the body politic and social. There is yet another element in modern life which ia radically hostile to the cultivation, or even the retention of fine manners. This is its extreme hurry and its constant bustle. Fine manners require calm grace; and calm grace is not easily preserved amid the hubbub, jostling, and anxiety of the existence of to-day. Fine manners require time; indeed, they take no note of time. A person of fine manners may himself always be punctual, but he can scarcely preserve his fine manners while laboring to compel other people to do so. Fine manners are absolutely in- compatible with fussiness. Fine manners take their time over everything. This is not to say that they are incon- sistent with exertion, or even with great energy. But the exertion must be equable; the energy must be uniform, not spasmodic or hysterical. Many excellent persons, not unnaturally displeased to find that such importance is attached to a quality which seems in no degree to partake of a moral character, labor to argue that the secret of gentlemanliness and fine man- ners is virtue, generosity, amiability, consideration for others. It seems to me that though the argument may prove that he who employs it has a noble enthusiasm for morality, he allows his worthy partiality to lead him into sophistry, or at least to lose sight of a true distinction, and one that goes to the root of the whole business. I do not think I should be guilty of exaggeration were I to affirm that some persons of the finest manners have been uni- formly and systematically selfish, and that it is possible to perform the most ungracious act in the most graceful man- ner conceivable. Fine mauners are paper money, not ster- ling coin; but they are invaluable as currency, whether they be convertible or not into something more solid. But "TOUSa AMERICA." 125 surely the severest moralist would not deny that the mc/st abandoned scoundrel may oifer you a chair with the finest air of breeding, though he has just with equal grace de- prived some one else of it who stood infinitely more in need of it, while a model of virtue and self-sacrifice may hand it you with such awkwardness as to bruise your shins or tear your dress, though he has been standing the whole night and is almost fainting from fatigue. This, no doubt, is an extreme though by no means an uncommon case, but it is a fortunate circumstance that the tradition of fine manners and the resolution not to part with them often compel a thoroughly selfish man to seem to do a generous thing, and in any case to be of use to his neighbor. The worst condition in which we can find ourselves is to be surrounded by people who have neither morals, nor man- ners ; who are at one and the same time thoroughly selfish and utterly ill-bred. Society had perhaps better t-ake care lest it fall a victim to the double evil. A writer in " The Baltimore American," writing upon "The Art of Politeness," says of our youth : The sense of his own superiority, in which "young America indulges, is apt to cause him to look down with lofty contempt on those old-fashioned ideas of courtesy and good breeding which our fathers bequeathed to us. There is but little now of that infusion into daily life of the law of kindness which was once so conspicuous. Good manners are the equity of benevolence, and in proportion as they decrease men be- come cold-hearted, suspicious, and uncharitable. True politeness seems to have given place to that imitation of it which leads us to veil our true sentiments under the guise of friendship, while at the same time we take every oppor- tunity of reviling each other to our neighbors. This love for discussing evil has had a demoralizing tendency on the young, causing them to be cynical and to lose all faith in 126 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. human virtue and goodness, at an age when the purest sen- timent should be allowed free scope, and when every emo- tion should move only in harmony with good. If more attention were paid to these little details, the way would be prepared for higher moral education, and men and women would become more tender and forgiving to hu- man weakness, and more implacable to those offences which are now condoned, so long as they do not offend the popur lar idea of what constitutes ' gentility.' Even those who have been educated to pay but little atten- tion to the seemingly trivial observances which cultivated society uses for protecting the rights of all its members, ought to feel some interest in that philosophy of which Aristip- pus was professor at Syracuse, in the days of the famous King Dionysius, standing in favor with this king even higher than did Plato himself. The Greek meaning of philosophy is the love of wisdom ; and the polite philosophy which Aristippus professed was that sort of wisdom which teaches men to be at peace in themselves, and neither by their words or behavior to disturb the peace of others. Certainly all those who have been subjected to rudenesses arising from the boorishnesa or bad breeding of others, must admit that the tranquillity of our days depends as much on small things as on great. Some writer has said : It is want of attention, not capacity, which leaves us so many brutes. ' Our follies, when displayed, ourselves affright; Pew are so bad to bear the odious sight. Mankind, in herds, through force of custom stray, Mislead each other into error's way.' Those who feel most deeply the truth of the above quota- tion will not set themselves up as pedagogues to instruct others when they have occasion to speak or to write upon the subject of manners, but will rather, in the spirit of ' a, FRENCH RULES. 127 schoolfellow playing the master,' keep in mind that pre- cept of Seneca : Hao aliis die, ut dum dicis, avdiasj ipse scribe, ut dum scripseris, legas; Speaking to others, what you dictate, hear; and learn yourself while teaching yoa appear. This is the spirit in which the compiler of these pages has executed her work. Observations from Mttllee's "Code des Biens6ances." Apr&s une soiree, un bal, il faut aussi, et dans la huitaine, rendre une visite. Toutefois nous croyons pouvoir af- firmer qu'il est bon de laisser fecouler deux ou trois jours entre la reception et la visite. II est ridicule d'6num6rer ses quality sur une carte de visite ; une dame doit faire pr^clder son nom du titre de madame; et ne jamais mettre son adresse. II est admis qu'en beaucoup de circonstances I'envoi d'une carte tient lieu d'une visite personelle. Nous ne partageons pas entiferement cette opinion. On a pr^tendu que la carte, en cas de deuil, ne devait pas 6tre bordee.en noir. Pourquoi ce qui est permis pour le papier h lettres, ne le serait-il pas iei? Nous ne dirons qu'un mot des lettres anonymes. Celui qui les 6crit est un l^che, car il a g6n6ralement peur de nuire, et il se cache, pour accomplir son crime, comme le voleui de grand chemin qui s'aposte la nuit. 128 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER. IV. BREAKFASTS — XTJ]SrCHES — LTJNCHEONS — TEAS — KETTLE- DKTTMS — CURE FOK GOSSIP — SOCIAI- PROBLEMS — GOOD SOCIETY — BAD SOCIETY — "WOMAN'S MISSION. Sydney Smith liked breakfast parties, because he said, no one was conceited before one o'clock in the day. — Manners of Modern Society. Lunch. — A slight repast between breakfast and dinner ; formerly the same as luncheon. Example: The passengers in the line-ships regularly have their lunch. Luncheon. — A portion of food taken at any time except at a regu- lar meal. Example : I sliced the luncheon from the barley loaf. — Webster's Dictionary. Since custom is the principal magistrate of human life, let men by all moans endeavor to obtain good customs. — Lord Bacon. Whatever earnestness or strength of character women show in ful- filling their duties, may truly be said to be in spite of their education and of the influence of society. — Emily Shirreff. Social and moral reformation in the lowest classes, as in the highest, must begin with domestic life. Eating and drinking are, as we well know, an abso- lute necessity if we desire to keep life within us ; but we should remember if we wish for length of days that we must eat to live, and not live to eat. Seneca tells us that our appetite is dismissed with a small payment if we only give it what we owe it, and not what an ungoverned appetite craves. Breakfast is a charming meal when the heads of the household know how to make it so. Every year adds BREAKFASTS, LUNCHES, LUNCHEONS. 129 to our adoption of foreign customs, where they are such as to please the eye or gratify the taste. There are few breakfast tables now where fruit does not form one of the courses for the family breakfast when the means permit J and what more appetizing than to see each kind in its season, temptingly displayed in green leaves, on the breakfast table, with fresh rolls on a snowy napkin, golden butter, with the substantial dishes that Americans generally demand ? Flowers, too, be they ever so few, brighten and embellish the table ; but these must not be arranged formally, as for a dinner. They can be scat- tered about, according to the taste of the one who arranges the table, with here a Minton china figure of a girl hold- ing a basket of flowers, there a youth guiding a wheel- barrow laden down with rosebuds, while small crystal globes, with their tiny clusters of blossoms dotting the morning table-cloth with vivid hues, add much to the beauty of the decorations. Wedding breakfasts, and dejeuners d, la fourchette, have all the form and ceremony of a dinner. At wedding breakfasts wines are served with cold game and poultry, chicken and lobster salad, salmon a la Mayonnaise, tongues, hams, potted meats, game pies, jellies, ices, cold sweets, and fruit. Of course, dishes vary with the seasons of the year. Luncheons are more frequently given than breakfasts in America as entertainments, but in either case the dishes are about the same, the principal point of difference being that tea and coffee are served at breakfasts, and wines at luncheon. Although custom has sanctioned a distinction between the words "lunch" and "luncheon," both are indiscrimi- nately used in speaking of the midday meal; while the .086 of the word luncheon is generally confined to enter- 130 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. tainments given after the breakfast hour, and after the hour at which the family lunch is spread, at any time before the dinner hour. The differing meaning of the two words "lunch" and " luncheon," shows that the author of " Modern Eti- quette" has made a mistake in giving the word "lunch- eon " as the right one to be used, and " lunch " as vulgar. One can use either word, remembering the difference in their meanings. The same writer instructs us not to say that we are going to "take tea " with a friend, but that we are going to " drink tea, " etc. We do not say that we are going to "eat" supper with Mrs. Blank, but we say that "I am going to take supper" with Mrs. Blank. The only authority that we have for this arbitrarily given rule, is from an anecdote told of Beau Brummell, who in reply to a courtezan, calling to him when passing her window, " Will you come and take tea with me to- night ?" answered, " Madam, one can ' take ' liberties, but one ' drinks tea. ' " It is not vulgar to say " take tea," nor is it at all out of the way to say "drink tea;" which leaves it optional to follow one's own preference. In England, one as frequently hears luncheon as lunch applied to the regular meal ; and both words are used for the luncheon which is prepared for members of the family going out to shoot, or to the races, cricket grounds, or whatever the destination may be. As the same word is used by the same persons in speak- ing of both meals, it may be that, in time, the true mean- ing of the word " luncheon " will give way before the need of a word to correspond to "dinner;" "to lunch" serving then the same relative meaning to " luncheon " that "to dine" does to "dinner." A sensible custom that, prevails in some parts of Eng-. BREAKFASTS, LUNCHES, LUNCHEONS. 131 land ought to be introduced in our country, especially at places of summer resort, where the residents of cottages outnumber the occupants of the hotels, namely, where early dinners are the custom, and guests are invited, they are asked to lunch instead of to dine, which enables the men to come in morning dress ; and where is there a man to be found who does not rebel when he is obliged to ap- pear in broad daylight in evening dress? The luncheon is then a dinner in every particular so far as the dishes and the wines, and the serving of them, are concerned. The ladies wear gowns, high in the neck and long sleeves, the gentlemen morning dress. Less ceremony and more enjoyment, possibly. When it is necessary to call in waiters to assist in serving either at breakfasts, luncheons, or dinners, which are served d. la Russe, the ordeal is a most trying one for the hostess. These are the cases where ignorance is bliss, and where it is folly to be wise ; but whatever the short- comings may be, whether the wines are poured in wrong succession, the salad appearing out of place, or any of those numerous originalities that undrilled waiters delight in, it is wiser for the hostess to make no attempts to rec- tify them. After providing the cook and the butler with a carefully written out menu, — that of the butler, including the wines against each course, — she has done all that she can do to insure their appearance in order ; and, no matter what goes wrong, she must not seem to notice it, if at the cost of her self-possession. When ladies only are invited to a luncheon, the hostess leads the way, keeping the lady whom she wishes to honor on her right, without offering her arm, of course, followed by her guests, who seat themselves as they choose. When gentlemen are present, they follow the ladies in a body. Ladies in walking or carriage costume 132 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. retain their bonnets when they choose, but the gloves are removed as at dinner. Gentlemen wear strict morning dress. At luncheons, where the guests are seated around the table, as many courses are frequently served as at din- ners, the chief differences consisting in fewer wines, and the bcmiUon being served in cups with saucers, instead of in soup plates. Menus are not necessary, but where the courses number from twelve to sixteen they ought to be provided, that the guests may choose the dishes they prefer. It would be still better to diminish the number, discouraging such parvenu prodigality. Bouillon, rissoles of sweetbread, jilets of fish, cutlets with potatoes crisply fried {& la Sara- toga), quails, followed by sweets, fruit and coffee, com- prise sufficient variety for ordinary occasions. After an invitation to a formal breakfast or a luncheon, whether accepted or not, a call is as mucfi de rigueur as after a dinner invitation. If the lady has a day, the call must be made in person, on that day, by the ladies who have been invited. Those gentlemen whose time is not at their disposal can call in the evening, or send their cards by post according to a proposed London innovation. The hospitality and evidence of kind feeling shown must be acknowledged in some way. It is said that nowhere are young men so remiss as in New York in the observance of their social duties. Much. is to be said in extenuation of this remissness as long as ladies are so exacting as to require calls made in person by men engaged in business. Let the custom be fairly in- troduced of sending cards by post, and few will be found wanting-in such an acknowledgment of their appreciation of attentions paid to them by ladies. A Northern lady residing in a Southern city who enter- TEA8, 133 tains frequently, was asked whether the gentlemen of that cily were remiss in reference to dropping a card after enter- tainments. She stated that during a Ions' residence there her invitation-book showed but five delinquents among the members of its best society. "Two of these," she said, "were young physicians just starting in practice," and therefore excusable on account of the duties of their profession. One of the number had spent so much time in New York as to become demoralized, she laughingly said, and for the remaining two she could find no excuse whatever, as they were men of leisure. No calls are expected in America, as in England, after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday. All gather- ings on that day ought to be informal. Gentlemen wear morning dress. Sunday evening teas afid suppers possess this advantage over those given on week-days. No dinner parties are given on Sunday, or, if given, are not considered good form in the best society. On the Continent, in Europe, Sunday is regarded as any other day. Dinner parties are given, and the opera-house is open. "In the evening, though you spend it alone with your family, wear a black dress suit; and if you have sons bring them up to do the same," writes the Countess of E ; but that "sensible etiquette" which makes Sun- day the exception in many of the best families in England, should be observed here, as we are also a church -going people. What are called "high teas" in England, correspond to New England tea-parties. A white table-cloth is spread for high tea, with flowers and fruit in stands, cut-glass bowls of berries, with cream in glass jugs or quaint little silver pitchers; cut-glass dishes, on stands of silver or silver gilt, filled with preserved fruits; hot rolls, muffins or waffles, and racks of toast. Broiled spring chickens or 134 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. chicken croquettes, partridges, mushrooms, etc., are served in covered dishes. The tea and the coffee are poured by the hostess from one end of the table. The servants remain until they have passed the fruit ; then they retire, leaving the privacy of the party undisturbed for the short chat that is customary after the conclusion of the meal before leaving the table. Five o'clock teas are growing in favor in America, hav- ing been introduced from England with kettle-drums. These are still more informal than kettle-drums. Invita- tions are generally issued on the lady's visiting-card, with the words written in the left-hand corner, " Five o'clock tea. Monday, March 8th." Or, if for a kettle-drum, " Kettle-drum. March 8th, 4-7.' If engraved, more formality is required. Numerals for dates are always admissible, and for hours also, on such cards. No answers are expected to these invitations, unless there is an JR. S. V. P. on the card. Those who are present leave cards or not as they choose. Those who are not able to attend call afterwards. Many send their cards the same day, in proof that the invitation is remembered and appreciated; making the required call as soon after as is possible. Of course, if the lady invit- ing has a weekly reception-day, the call must be made on that day. By a recent innovation, as has been stated, cards can be sent by post when gentlemen have not time to attend nor to call after; and the sensible hostess expects no call in such a case. Until quite recently, it has been con- sidered wanting in due respect to inclose cards and send by messengers or by post. Now, it is considered permissible KBTXLE-DRUMS. 135 for old ladies, ladies in mourning, invalids, and men or women who are too much occupied to make ceremonious calls. The hostess receives her guests standing, aided by mem- bers of her family, or friends whose especial province it is to relieve her, that she may be free to welcome each new comer. There is generally a crowd at a kettle-drum or a day reception, notwithstanding few remain over the conven- tional half-hour allotted, unless there is music to tempt them. Hostesses should feel flattered when they stay longer. A table, set in the dining-room, is supplied with a coffee or chocolate equipage at one end, and a tea-service at the other. Dainty sandwiches, Spanish buns and cakes constitute all in the way of eatables that are offered to the guests ; but frozen coffee and claret punch are frequently seen, though this distinction, simple as it is, makes the entertainment a reception instead of a kettle-drum. At five o'clock teas, the tea equipage stands on a side- table, with a pitcher of milk for those who prefer it to tea; together with plates of thin sandwiches and of cake. The pouring of the tea is superintended by some member of the family, and the passing of the refreshments also, which is accomplished without the aid of servants, where the num- ber assembled is small. These duties are not very onerous, as the people who frequent kettle-drums and five o'clock teas, as a rule, care more for social intercourse than for eat- ing and drinking. Many people, whose homes would be charming social centres, are prevented from giving evening entertainments on account of the expense of the suppers. It is a mistake to fancy that suppers are essential to the success of an evening party. Some of the most brilliant gatherings, on a small scale, both in Europe and America, have been 136 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. supperless ones. Let it once be understood that the society of those who go out for the sake of hot suppers is not wanted, and the rooms will be thinned out for the greater enjoyment of those who go from other motives. Intellec- tual persons will have that opportunity to enjoy conversa- tion which modern society seldom affords ; those who dance can enjoy that amusement, without the crush around them that so sadly interferes with their pleasure ; and those who like to look on, will be able to see without interfering with the dancers. A side-table or buffet, with fish-house punch, sandwiches, frozen coffee and frozen punch, hot bouillon, and one or two hot dishes, such as chicken croquettes and broiled oysters, provides ample refreshment for those whom dancing and talking have made hungry; and the replenish- ing from time to time, does entirely away with the dis- gusting sight that it is to see people crowding around a table, tier after tier, as regardless of civility to one another as of the fine glass and china they break. In Europe the suppers are generally cold, even for balls. Game already carved, and tied together with white satin ribbon, or ribbon the color of the game ; game pies, meat cakes, salads, hams, tongues, salmon, everything excepting the bouillon, is served cold. Ices and wines are passed, seltzer poured with champagne and handed with claret punch, sherry, and cups of sherbet, or other cold drinks. At small evening enter- tainments, some slight refreshment is handed every half hour; cakes and ices, various kinds of punch, biscuits, and coffee, and tea; but no suppers are served. If this custom were introduced in our cities, persons who are congenial would be more apt to find one another than now, when those who go to eat and those who go for pleasures of social intercourse are all thrown together in one grand crush, con- tinuing their dissipation into the small hours of the morn- ing, regardless of the hours of sleep requisite for health. SOCIAL PKOBLEMS. 137 If, as has already been quoted, this is the age of social reforms, may we not hope for a reform in the mode of en- tertaining which will regard the health of our young people. As our men are a " nation of business men," let us have our social life better suited to their interests, than is the introducing of customs that are adapted only to London high life; and then we shall see fewer jaded faces in our counting-houses as well as in our ball-rooms, fewer youths sinking into declines before the period of youth is ended. Sooner or later every human being learns that a life de- voted wholly to pleasure is a worthless life ; but pleasure in a moderate degree is as essential to the physical and mental health of the individual as some occupation is. Bagehot tells us that business interests the whole mind, the aggregate nature of man, more continuously and more deeply than pleasure. But it does not look as if it does. It is difficult to convince a young man, who can have the best of pleasure, that it will. Like Hercules^ he may choose virtue, but hardly Hercules would choose business.. With all due deference to the opinion of Mr. Bagehot, it still seems that he would have better stated the case, had he said that only when a man has chosen business, or some profession that occupies the greater part of his time, can he have that full enjoyment of pleasure of which he is capable; and not that business is always in itself more agreeable than pleasure; but that business prevents that weariness which comes to those who live only for self, and enhances their enjoyment of leisure, giving that keen zest to amusement which renews a man's youth within him. If our men of leisure devoted as much time to out- door amusements as the English do, there would not be the same need that there is now for wealthy young men to embark in trade. The majority of American men must be business men, and our social laws should be made to 138 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. suit the convenience of the majority, instead of conforming them to the wishes of the drones in our hives of workers. Let our women hold right ideas about business, and in another generation idle men will disappear, " Les hommes seront toujours cequ'il plaira auxfemmes. i^i vous voulez qu'ils deviennent grands et vertueux, apprenez aux femmes ce que c'est que grandeur et vertu." Napoleon went so far as to say, " The future destiny of a child is always the work of its mother," and' however many there may be who will not willingly admit the truth of this statement, no one will dispute that mothers are held responsible for the manners of their children. Admitting that this is so, and agreeing with Locke when he says that, in nine cases out of ten, a man is what his education has made him, what a comment is the conduct of the idle and the ill-bred upon the training they have received in the home-circle; and what responsibilities lie in the hands of mothers to educate their children for lives of usefulness by giving .them true ideas of life, and early impressing upon their minds the great truth that idle lives are pestilential lives ! If manners are the reflex of the mind, good manners may be said to be the fruits of good training and a refined nature cgjnbined. Among the most trustworthy tests of good home training is placed that of table manners; and no individual can hope to acquire and to keep them who knows any difference in them when in the privacy of the family circle, than when in company.^ The properly-trained youth does not annoy those next to whom he sits by fidgeting in his chair, mov- ing his feet, playing with his bread, or with any of the table equipage. Neither does he chew his food with his mouth open, talk with it in his mouth, or make any of those noises in eating which are the characteristics of vul- garity. His food is not conveyed in too large or too small 600D SOCIETY. 139 portions to his mouth ; he neither holds his head as erect as if he had swallowed a ramrod, nor does he bury his face in his plate. He holds his knife and fork properly, and not "overhand," as a clown would; he removes them from the plate as soon as it is put before him, and he places them side by side across his plate when he has finished, and not before, as this is the signal which a well-drilled butler observes for removing the plate. He does not leave his coffee-spoon or tea-spoon in his cup. He avoids using his handkerchief unnecessarily, or disgusting those who are eating by trum- pet-like performances with it. He does not converse in a loud tone, nor indulge in uproarious laughter. If he breaks an article he is not profuse in his apologies, but shows his regret iu his face and in his manner rather than in words. Some writer has said : " As it is ill-mannered to express too much regret, so it is the essence of rudeness not to make any apology." Tittlebat Titmouse, when he broke a glass dish, assured his hostess that he would re- place it with the best in London. This was rather too practical a form of showing his sincerity. The well-bred youth breaks his bread instead of cutting it, taking care not to crumble it in a slovenly way ; he takes his wine holding his glass by the stem, and never drains it. He does not take wine that he does not want, because he is too timid to refuse, nor does he hesitate to pass any course of which he does not wish to partake, in- stead of playing with it as a writer on table-etiquette ad- vises. He' swallows his food before he leaves the table, and sees no occasion for astonishment because eating in the street is forbidden. All the details of good breeding are as familiar to him as his alphabet, and he has been taugiit to think that attention to details in all things is the true sign of a great mind, and that he who can, in necessity, consider the smallest, can also compass the largest subjects. •140 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Liife is made up of details. The strong mind can afford to descend to them; it is only the wealt mind that fears to be narrowed by them. The man who really loves beauty will cultivate it in the smallest thing around him. The study of art, rightly undertaken, is the study of God, and it is by cultivating the beautiful that we approach heaven. Every man should cultivate good manners, both for his own sake and for the sake of those around him. How much more so a woman, one of whose missions is to make life less burdensome to man, to soothe and com- fort him, to raise hirn from his petty cares to happier thoughts, to purer imaginings, towards heaven itself. Certainly, a man may have a spotless reputation, a good education, and good breeding, without being either good in reality, or a Christian. Eut, as far as its jurisdiction extends, good society can compel you, if not to be a Chris- tian, at least to act like one. The difference between the laws of God and the laws of men, is that the former ad- dress the heart from which the acts proceed; the latter determine the acts without regard to the heart. The one waters the root, the other the branches. The laws of society are framed by the unanimous con- sent of men, and, in all essential points, they differ very little all over the world. The considerations which dic- tate them are reducible to the same law, and this law proves to be the fundamental one of Christian doctrine. Thus, what the heathen arrives at only by laws framed for the custom of society, we possess at once in virtue of our religion. And it is a great glory for a Chris- tian to be able to say, that all refinement and all civiliza- tion lead men — as far as their conversation is concerned — to the practice of Christianity. It is a great satisfaction to feel that Christianity is eminently the religion of civil- ization and society. The great law of Christianity which GOOD SOCIETY. 141 inculcates brotherly love and self-rlenial, .finds its counter- part in the first law of politeness — to be agreeable to every- body, even at the expense of one's own comfort. Peace is the object of Christian laws ; harmony that of social ob- servances. Self-denial is the exercise of the Christian; forgetfulness of self that of the well-bred. Trust in one another unites Christian communities; confidence in the good intentions of our neighbors is that which makes society possible. Pride, selfishness, ill-temper, are alike opposed to Christianity and to good-breeding. The one bids us make the most of God's gifts and improve our talents ; the other will not admit us into its precincts till we have done so by education. And to go a step farther : as a Christian church excludes sinners and unbelievers from its ranks, so really good society excludes from its social gatherings the openly immoral, and those who do not subscribe to the laws and observances that regulate the intercourse of the well-bred. The arbitrary rules which it imposes on its members, and which continually restrict them in their actions, in telling them how they must eat and drink, and dress, and walk, and talk, and so on, all tend to one end, the preservation of harmony, and the prevention of one person from usurping the rights, or in- truding on the province of another. If it regulates your dress, it is that harmony may be preserved in all. [Those Americans who went to the morning reception that Mr. Pierrepont recently gave in London for General Grant, in "swallow-tail" coats and white cravats, must have wished they had been trained to know that there is as much dis- tinction between morning and evening dress for gentle- men as for ladies. J If these laws regulate the tone of your speech, and pronounce you vulgar if you talk in a loud voice, it is because people have nerves and sensibilities which are grated upon by harsh tones. ] i2 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. In short, the more truly religious a man is, the more polite he will spontaneously become, and that, too, in every rank of life, for true religion teaches him to forget himself, to love his neighbor, and to be kindly even to his enemy; and the appearance of so being and doing is what good society de- mands as good manners. High moral character, a polished education, a perfect command of temper, delicate feeling, good habits, and a good bearing, are the indispensable requisites for good society. These constitute good breeding, and produce good manners. Wit, accomplishments, and social talents are great advantages, though not absolutely necessary. On the other hand, birth is often lost sight of; while wealth, rank, and distinction, so far from being de- sirable, must be carefully handled not to be positively ob- jectionable. The best definition ever given of good society is : the meeting on a footing of equality, and for the purpose of mutual entertainment, of men or women, or of men and women together, of good character, good education and good breeding. A feeling of perfect equality is necessary to the ease of society; and so well is this exemplified in well-bred circles abroad, that men belonging to the old nobility, possessing the advantages of generations of trans- mitted culture, will, as a rule, be found to be more affable and more genial than are the sons of the newly-made aris- tocracy. It is only the new people, here and there, who are climbing up into notice, who are pretentious, and fancy they can make themselves of importance by being rude or insolent; whereas all rudeness, all insolence, shows such a lack of conscience as regards the j'ights of others, such a lack of training as to the binding obligations of the well-bred, that it proclaims unmistakably the imperfect culture and real vulgarity that is endeavoring to masquer- ade as elegance. No one is entitled to respect who fails SOOD SOCIETY. 143 in respect toward others. Let those who meet with rudeness take no notice of it. Above all, do nothing from revenge; and they will be able to console themselves with the thought of their own superiority. " What kind of a country is America?" said a young diplomat just going over to the United States to an older one returning home. "It is a country where every one who chooses can tread upon your toes ; but then they give you the same privilege, only you are too well bred to avail yourself of it," was the answer. Certainly the well bred, of all others, should be able to bear slights and rudenesses with fortitude. By so doing, they give testimony to the value of early training, evi- dence their own superiority, and set an example that will not be lost upon those who are witnesses. There are some things that all varieties of snobs do in common, or neglect to do in common, and one of them is, that when they are in the company of those whon? ■'hey burn incense before, they are given to ignoring their equals. Belgravia and Mayfair stand on so permanent a foundation, that they can afford to recognize all whom they know, while Tyburnia, touching upon Belgravia, ignores St. Pancras for the time being. The true Bel- gravia is always a law unto itself, and stands in no fear of what Tyburnia, St. Pancras, or St. John's "Wood says of it. The English have the reputation, both in America and on the continent of Europe, of being a race of "toa- dies." If it has happened to any reader of these pages to see in a London drawing-room, the hostess — some Lady Leo Hunter, perhaps — upon the arrival of a duchess, ig- nore the presence of all her other guests, devoting herself to the duchess, such a one may agree to this so far as to admit that there are toadies in every grade of society 144 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. where the English language is spoken. The sham aris- tocracy indulge in mushroom-manners. Our true aristoc^ racy indulge their admiration for genius, talent, courage, perseverance, and all heroic qualities, but they never bow before titles simply because of the titles. They extend the hands of fellowship to those who have merited recog- nition, without asking permission of one another. Neither wealth nor position, nor titles can secure such cordial re- ception as can those possessing merit, talent, or genius, who find themselves within the charmed circle. Exclusiveness is voted to be bad form in good society. Politeness, cold and distant, if you like it, can cost you nothing, and is never taken to mean friendship. In short, courtesy and peace are the rules of good society, as of Christianity ; and its denizens can, and do, throw' aside the most bitter enmities when meeting on the neu- tral ground of a friend's house. Two people sitting next each other, with no one to talk to, would be thought ill bred, as well as ridiculous, if they waited for a formal introduction. Your host's friends should be for the time your friends. If you and they are good enough for him to invite, you and they are good enough for one another to know. In England, as in America, the distinguishing mark of the best society, as compared with that of the Continent, is the respect for moral character. No rank, no wealth, no celebrity, will induce a virtuous, well-bred English woman to admit to her drawing-room a man or woman whose character is known to be bad. Good society shuts its doors, once and forever, on the woman who has once fallen, and on the man who has lost his honor. It is a severe censor, pitiless and remorseless. Perhaps this is the only case in which the best society is antagonistic to Ciiristianity ; but, in extenuation, it must be remembered aOOD SOCIETY. 145 that there is no court in which to try those who sin against it. Society itself is the court in which are judged those many offences which the law cannot reach, and this inclemency of the world, this exile for life which it pro- nounces, must be regarded as one of the chief deterrents against certain sins. There is little or no means of pun- ishing the seducer, the cheat, the habitual drunkard and gambler ; and men and women who indulge in illicit pleasures, must accept this one verdict of perpetual expul- sion pronounced by good society. Sometimes it is given without a fair trial, on the report of a slanderer; but society is forced to judge by common report, and though it may often judge wrongly, it generally errs on the safe side. What society wants is some check on the slander and calumny which mislead its judgment, — to hold gossip and scandal as a sin, as it is already held, bad form ; to receive with greater caution the stories of envious women and the tales of the club room. How often the fair fame of a virtuous girl has been tarnished by the man she has rejected ; how many an lago lives and thrives in society at the present day ; how many a young man is defamed by an envious rival ; how many a woman, whose social suc- cess has been brilliant, is misrepresented and maligned by those who hate the excellence they cannot reach. As cats, in pursuit of a mouse, do not look up though an elephant pass by, so there are many people so busily employed in mousing for defects that they let high and beautiful qualities escape them in their search for what is more congenial to their natures, says one of our most gifted writers. These things make many bitter to the world, but as there is no remedy, they must be endured silently. In the meantime, good society discountenances gossip, and that is all that it can do for the present. 10 146 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Dr. Holland tells us that the cure for gossip is culture. He says there is a great deal of gossip that has no malig- nity in it. Good-natured people often talk about their neighbors because they have nothing else to talk about. As we write (he continues), there comes to us a picture of a family of young ladies. We have seen them at home, we' have met them in galleries of art, we have caught glimpses of them going from a bookstore, or a library, with a fresh volume in their hands When we meet them they are full of what they have seen and read. They are brim- ming with questions. One topic of conversation is dropped only to give place to another in which they are interested. We have left them, after a delightful hour, stimulated and refreshed; and during the whole hour not a neighbor's garment was soiled by so much as a touch. They had something to talk about. They knew something, and wanted to know more. They could listen as well as they could talk. To make a neighbor a topic of conversation would have seemed an impertinence to them, and they had no temptation to do so, because " the doings and belong- ings" of a neighbor could not afford them the interest that subjects did, which grew out of their knowledge and their culture. And this tells the whole story. The con- firmed gossip among women, and the tattler among men, is either malicious or uncultivated. The one variety needs a change of heart, and the other a change of culture. Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility; the young should not only shun it, but, by the most thorough culture, relieve them- selves from all temptation to indulge in it. Those who listen to their tales, if students of human nature, divine the malice that prompts it, or the want of culture that breeds it, and do not allow themselves to be influenced by it ; for, as has been well said, since the evil which we do aOOD SOCIETY. 147 does not draw upon ns so many persecutions and so much hatred as our good qualities, so the keenest abuse of our enemies does not hurt us so much in the estimation of the discerning as the judicious praise of friends. " I was astonished," said one friend to another, " to hear one of your summer guests, under your own roof, retailing some bit of frivolous gossip about you. How- ever, all my astonishment was scattered to the winds when I made the acquaintance of her mother, and was regaled with narratives of neighbors, friends and acquaintances, in such a way as to reveal what kind of a school the girl had been brought up in." This is the manner in which the discerning are impressed by gossip. Even those persons that agree with the clever woman who said, " I do not wish to have any one do any- thing naughty for my amusement ; but if any one does do anyttiing, I want to hear all about it," never fail to re- member whether the retailer has violated other rules of good-breeding than the one which discountenances tattling; for there are circumstances under which the repeatal of any bit of gossip afloat reflects far more discredit upon the re- tailer than its mention, under other circumstances, could possibly do. The young, in aiming to fit themselves for the best so- ciety, should remember that there is no way in which they can better do this, than by making it a point of personal pride not to repeat to a soul a syllable that was not in- tended for repetition. The tattler and the Paul Pry are the meanest characters of society, and he who would feel superior in strength and integrity, should strive vig- orously to have nothing in common with such baseness. A single bit of gossip in circulation stamped with your name will excite general distrust and doubt as to your fidelity. It may not be clear to the youthful reader why 148 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. this should be so, but if he or she will implieJtly follow the rule of strictly avoiding all gossip whatever, the time will come when the immense advantages gained from such observance will be as a bright light over a whole lifetime. The most certain means of acquiring those gifts which fit one to adorn the best society, is to very strictly adhere to the rule of doing as you would be done by, at all times, and on all occasions, firmly resisting all temptation to the contrary. This, with culture, will be able to impart, in time and with experience, that firmness and confidence which, when a] lied to grace, invariably bestow tact and practical wisdom. There are many women of the world who are not worldly women. Some good people are under the im- pression that brilliancy in society, elegance and grace in manner and in conversation, have nothing in common with love for all mankind, with forgiving our enemies, and with endeavoring assiduously to do good in every way to old and young, rich and poor — they think that tenderness of heart and conscience are not to be reconciled with the character of a gay man or woman of the world ; but it is a great error, for all of these qualities may be best acquired with the aid of a good heart. It is time the ridiculous error were dissipated — that one must needs be more or less hardened and frivolous to enjoy life in its most elegant phases. The truth is, that the really best people in the world ought to be among those who best know it. The higher, the more exalted the society, the greater is its cul- ture and refinement, and the less does gossip prevail. People in such circles find too much of interest in the world of art and literature and science to discuss, without gloating over the shortcomings of their neighbors. Wherever gossip forms the chief staple of conversation, there the society is bad. Bad society has been divided into ,BAD SOCIETY. 149 three classes : First, that in which both morals and manners are bad. Second, that in which the morals appear to be good, be the manners what they will. Third, that in which the manners appear to be good, but the morals are detestable. The first is low, the second vulgar, the third dangerous so- ciety. Few people need to be warned against low society. The first proof of lowuess is seen in undue familiarity. The women often lay their hands upon the arms of the men with whom they are speaking; or touch them to se- cure tlieir attention, as they address them, allowing them- selves at the same time, to be treated with a latitude of manner and a freedom of speech which shocks a man or woman of self-respect. There is another kind of familiarity that need not be repelled — that is, when a civil workman, or any one of lower station addresses a remark to you. Then you should answer with courtesy, and not turn away as a snob would do. " Something God hath to say to thee worth hearing from the lips of all," and you may be sure that you will learn something from him, if you talk to him in a friendly manner ; while, if you are really a gentleman, being seen in his society can do you no harm. The next kind of bad society is the vulgar, in which the morals may be good, but the manners are undoubtedly bad. The test of this kind of society is general vulgarity of con- duct. In New England, the word vulgarity was formerly confined to the low, mean, and essentially plebeian. It would be well if we could so limit it in the present day ; but the great increase in the numbers of those admitted into society, and the importance that wealth gives, have thrust vulgarity, even, into the circles of good society, where like black sheep in white flocks, you will find thoroughly vulgar men and women occupying prominent positions. Where the majority of the company is decidedly vulgar, 150 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the society may be set down as bad. In this class, you will find those who after straggling to get under the iron grating which hedges society around, use their best en- dieavors to keep its gates closed to those, who, scorning to creep under, will not enter until its door has flown open to receive them in its midst. Here also, will be found those who, when they are in the presence of Madame FoUie, whose acquaintance they have moved heaven and earth to make, do not notice Madame Voisine, who made way to give them a place when she found them crowding in upon her ; or, if they do notice her, are condescendingly gracious, while to Madam Follie they are as deferential as if she were an angel. True.refinenopnt of feeling never wars against true civility, and is never more civil to the Madame Follies of society, than to its Madame Voisines. Such members of society, with Jack Lowbred, who cannot lift his own carpet-bag from his hack ; Arthur Lighthead, who would not be seen with a bundle in his hand ; Miss Pre- tender, who does not own a thimble, Mrs. Affect, who rings if she wishes the position of her footstool changed, are not ladies and gentlemen, but vulgar people. It rather astonishes such persons to find that a nobleman travelling here, can carry his bag when necessary, that he looks upon a man who will not touch a bundle as a cad ; and that there are few real ladies who do not own thimbles, aqd make good use of them too, and who do not prefer to wait upon themselves in small matters to having a servant rung for. The true gentleman, the true lady, can do nothing that is vulgar. The third class of bad society is that in which the man- ners and breeding are perfect, and the morals bad; which is, at the same time, strange as it may seem, the least and the most dangerous society. All vice is here gilded ; it is made elegant and covered with a gloss of good breeding. BAD SOCIETY. 151 Men and women have almost public reputations to keep up. All that is done is sub rosa. There are none of the grosser vices admitted ; no drunkenness, no swearing, and no coarseness. But there is enough of gambling still to ruin a young man; and the "social evil" here takes its most elegant and most seductive form. While, therefore, on the one hand, you may mix in this kind of society, and see, and therefore know, very little of its immorality, its vices, when known to you, assume a fashionable prestige and a certain delicacy which seem to deprive them of their gross- ness and make them the more tempting. The true queen of society does not reign here. Gold is not the currency that is used. Like the coin of Henry VIII, you have but to test it, and its sham is revealed. Chesterfield classifies good company under two heads : those who have the lead in courts, and in the gay part of life, and those who are distinguished by some merit, or who excel in some par- ticular branch of art or science. Thackeray says : A so- ciety that sets up to be polite, and ignores arts and letters is a snobbish society. Another authority says: Gall no society good, until we have sounded its morals as well as its manners. Bad company is much more easily defined than good, Ghesterfield says, — and the opinion of a man who for twelve years labored to make a graceful gentleman of his son (though he failed to do so, he certainly thought and wrote more on the manners of good society than any man before and since), may well deter any one in the present time from seeking to give a definition of good society that shall include all its requirements. An English writer has said that the problem of ed- ucation will be solved when one generation of good teachers has been trained. May it not also be said, tliat when one generation of young girls has been trained to 152 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. become good wives, good mothers and good teachers, we shall have a society in which the well-bred will predom- inate over the ill-bred. Woman's mission in the future lies in the instruction and the elevation of mankind; for the present, in the instruction and elevation of her own sex. This idea of informing the masses belongs to our times; it opens out new doctrines to the world. When one reflects what might have been accomplished, had but one-half the effort bent upon securing the elective fraSi- chise to women been expended in revealing to them their true mission, one is ready to exclaim against the blindness that has prevented such "aspirants from seeing the magnifi- cent field of their legitimate labor, stretching as it does be- fore them into eternity. When once a glimpse of the grand work that the Creator has assigned to woman breaks upon her, it is as when an astronomer, sweeping the heav-- ens with his glass, turns it upon some nebulous group of stars for the first time, while world upon world reveals itself to his vision. What do women want with votes, when they hold the sceptre of influence with which they can control ■even votes, if they wield it aright? But so to wield it they must have that education which enables them to stand side by side with their brothers, their husbands, their friends. It was Sheridan, who, seeing how vast the power they hold, how irresistible the influence they exert, conceived the idea of establishing for them in England a national education, because of the little care generally bestowed upon their studies and their training Women govern us, said he; let us try to render them perfect ; the more they are enlightened, so much the more shall we be. On the cultivation of the mind of women depends the wisdom of men. It is by women that nature writes indelible lessons on the heart of man. Not only WOMAN S MISSION. 153 when she fills the sphere of a wife, a mother, a teacher, but in every state of life it is woman who has it in her power to influence for good or for evil the men with whom she is thrown. The silent influence of example in her home does much ; the precepts that flow from her lips clothe themselves with power because of her example. How often is the remark made that the ignorant and the depraved . among men crowd away from the polls the intelligent and the high-minded. Would women of no education, and no character, stay away to make room for women of cultivated minds and pure hearts ? To improve our legislation we stand in need of the vote« of the educated classes, not of the illiterate, and yet it is the votes of the latter class- that would be increased in number by women suflFrage. Women are neither warriors, magistrates nor legis- lators, says Aime Martin. They form one-half of the human race, which, on account of its very weakness, has escaped the corruptions of our power and of our glory. Oh, let them cease to regret that they have no share in those fatal passions ; let them leave to us legislation, the political arena, armies, war; were they to partake of our fury, who would there be on earth to appease it? Hei-ein lies their influence, here is their empire. Here woman's mission reveals itself. In their soufs, much more than in the laws of legislators, repose the futurity of the world and the destinies of the human race. As they bear in their bosoms future generations, so likewise do they carry in their souls the destinies of these generations. But not alone, as has already been said — not alone to those women who become wives and mothers are these destinies confided. Every woman has a share in this work. Let her see that it is done to the best of. her ability. If a man's pen is mightier than his sword, so 154 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. also is a woman's pen mightier than her vote. If her domestic avocations do not engross all her time, and she has the gift of the pen, she can use it, though ever so feebly, in behalf of some one of the great educatbnal movements of the day. Then may we hope that this age will be spoken of by a future generation as one of educa- tional reform, in which women learned that their strength lies not in the ballot-box, but in their influence as daugh- ters, sisters, wives, mothers, teachers and writers. The weakest woman, by concentrating her powers, and using them steadily on a single subject, can accomplish some- thing. " Work for somo good, be it ever so }owly : Labor, all labor, is noble and holy ;" and in due time you shall reap if you faint not. No good seed ever dies. When the hand that has planted it is cold in death, the fruit will ripen for an immortal har- vest. The true field of woman's labor lies all around herj first in her home, next in fields outside, if she has strength- and ability for other work. According to the talents intrusted to her care is the weight of every woman's responsibility. Providence has placed her just where her work is to be done. If she is contented to do the duty that lies nearest to her; and if faithful in small things, her life-work will broaden before her, growing richer and fuller as the years speed on. The fulness and richness of a mother's mission does not come to all, but where it does come, what higher or nobler work is assigned to her ? She . holds in her hands the future destinies of her children, as Napoleon said. Aime Martin, writing of a mother's love and a mother's influence, says there is a power always acting beneath our eyes, an invariable love, a creative will (the only one on woman's mission. 155 earth, perhaps, which seeks but for our happiness), left without direction since the beginning of the world, for want of general and enlightened appreciation of its impor- tance. What is the child to the preceptor? It is an ignorant being to be instructed. What is the child to the mother? It is a soul which requires to be formed. Good teachers make good scholars, but it is only mothers that form men ; this constitutes all the difference of their mission. We know that good statesmen are needed to I'egulate our laws, and to make new ones which will protect the rights and ameliorate the wrongs of women ; but it is woman's lofty privilege to mould and form the minds of statesmen. Let her never forget that although armies are required to control nations, it is the diffusion of knowledge and morality that civilizes and saves them. 156 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER V. DINNERS — BXCIiTJSrVE SOCIETY — ^LIVING FOR OTHERS. Never forget that at a dinner, as on all occasions of hospitality, it is your chief duty to relieve the hostess from every annoyance or care. It mu.et not be imagined that the dinner is simply given for the purpose of giving a gross and purely material pleasure. It puts you in company with persons of consideration, and gives you an " opportunity to display your intelligence, or to cause your good qual- ities to be appreciated. — Baron de Mortemat BoisaS. I cannot omit here to mark down my hatred, scorn, and indigna- tion towards those miserable snobs who come to dinner at nine, when they are asked at eight, in order to make a sensation in the company. — Thackeray. One day, coming home from the club, Mr. Gray conveyed to his wife the astonishing information that he had asked Goldn^ore to dinner. " My love," says Mrs. Gray, in a tremor, " how could you be so cruel? Why, the dining-room won't hold Mrs. Goldmore." ' ' Make your mind easy, Mrs. Gray ; her ladyship is in Paris." — Thackeray. Since dinner parties, served after the Russian fashion, have become the prevailing mode, a host and hostess are able to entertain without anxiety, provided they have well-drilled servants and a good cook. Dexterity, rapid- ity, and, above everything else, quietness, added to a thorough knowledge of their duties, form the essential requisites of good butlers and waiters. Invitations for a dinner party are not sent by post in our cities, and are only answered by post where the distance is such as to DINNERS. 157 make it inconvenient to send a servant. They are issued in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house ten days or one week in advance. They should be answered as soon as they are received, and, if accepted, the engage- ment should, on no account, be lightly broken. This rule is a binding one, as the non-arrival of an expected guest produces disarrangement of plans. The hovirs most gen- erally selected are six, seven and eight o'clock. To be exactly punctual on these occasions is the only politeness. If you are too early, you are in the way ; if too late, you spoil the dinner, annoy the hostess, and are backbitten by the guests. Whom to invite is a consideration which requires the exercise of judgment and discretion. Dinners are gener- ally looked upon as entertainments for married people and the middle-aged, but it is often desirable to have some young unmarried persons also, notwithstanding the clever author of Miss Majoribanks says " that young people are the ruin of society." Those whom you invite should be of the same standing. They need not necessarily be friends, nor even acquaintances ; but, as at a dinner, people come into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind of a party, those only should be invited to meet one another who move in the same class of circles. Care must necessarily be taken that those whom you think will be agreeable to each other are placed side by side around the festive board. Good talkers are invaluable at a dinner party — people who have fresh ideas and plenty of warm words to clothe them in ; but good listeners are equally invaluable. At one of our watering-places, a celebrated historian, a distinguished statesman, and a well-known author, were invited to dine with a man of wealth who was renowned for his hospitality. The dinner party consisted of only 158 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ten persons, and conversation was general, or would have been, but that the author so resembled the exhilarating champagne he was drinking (in the continued effervescing of an endless stream of sparkling bubbles), that no other guest had an opportunity to contribute a share. If the historian essayed to make 'a quotation, scarcely had the first words escaped his lips when the author seized upon it and finished it for him ; but so brilliant, so witty, so stimulating was his talk that every one at the table lis- tened with pleasure, though all sighed for an opportunity to utter some of the clever thoughts that were called into life by the action of his mind upon their own. When the calm and dignified statesman waited upon the wife of the historian to her carriage, she said to him, " My hus- band has long wished to meet you, Mr. Blank." His answer was, "And I have equally wished to meet him. Now we have only seen each other, but we have all heard, as well as seen, Mr. Dash." No one should ever monopolize conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore, and to be avoided as such. A host and hostess generally judge of the success of a dinner by the manner in which conversation has been sus- tained. If it has flagged often, it is considered a proof that the guests have not been congenial ; but if a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that they have smoothly amalgamated as a whole. There are some epicures who fancy that their dishes are not appreciated, if the conversation becomes very ani- mated. One of these gourmets, who prided himself upon the perfection to which he had brought his dinners, found his guests upon one occasion getting too deeply absorbed in conversation, and signalled to his butler to stop serving the courses After some delay, questioning glances were DINNERS. 159 exchanged around the table, and a dead pause followed the hum and buzz. The butler was then notified that the dinner could go on ! This gentleman, who was a man of distinction, never made the mistake of having too many courses, nor of serving too great a variety of wines, nor of keeping his guests too long at the table ; but the wines were priceless, and the dishes served were faultless in every respect, as well as all the appointments of the table. { A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beautiful china, ;_glistening cut glass, or fine engraved glass, and polished plate, are considered essential to a grand dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully arranged, add much to the beauty of the table. At the right of each cover, a sherry and hock, champagne, claret and Burgundy glass are placed, with a tumbler or goblet for water. A salt-cellar should be in reach of every guest, and a water-caraffe. Napkins should be folded square, and placed with a roll of bread on each plate. To find them folded in intricate forms is too suggestive of their having been in other hands than your own, and is considered boarding-house or hotel style. The dessert is placed on the table amidst the flowers, the natural fruit, garnished with green leaves, and the crystallized, in tiny-fluted and lace-bordered white paper shells, piled on their respective dishes. An ipergne or low dish of flowers graces the centre ; stands of bon-bons and confectionery are ranged on both sides of the table, with candelabra at each end, which complete the necessary decorations. No wine is placed on the table. The name of each guest, written upon a card and placed on the plates, marks the seat assigned ; the arrangement of which the hostess may have found to involve as much thought as a game of chess, for in no way is tact more called into exer- cise than in the distributing of guests at a dinner-table. " The numbers at a dinner should not be less than the 160 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Graces, nor more than the Muses." "When this rule ia observed, the host will be able to designate to each gentle- man the lady whom he is to conduct ; but when the num- ber exceeds this limit, it is an excellent plan to have the name of each couple written upon a card and inclosed in an addressed envelope, ready to be handed to the gentle-: men, by a servant, before entering the drawing-room, or left on a tray for the guests to select those which bear their names. If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of a lady with whom he is not acquainted, he requests the host to present him immediately after he has spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the family with whom he is not acquainted. All the guests, should have themselves introduced to the one for whom the dinner is given. Should two persons, unknown to each other, find themselves placed side by side at a table, they enter into conversation without any introduction. Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest. Then the dinner should be announced, and the host oifers his right arm to the lady who is to be escorted by him; the others follow, arm in arm, the hostess being the last to leave the drawing-room. Age should take the precedence in proceeding from the drawing-room to the dining-room, the younger falling back until the older have advanced. A host waits upon the oldest lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for another person. The hostess is escorted either by the eldest gentleman or the greatest stranger, or some one whom she wishes to place in the seat of honor, which is on her right. The host places the lady whom he escorts upon his right. The seats of the host and hostess may be at the middle, on opposite sides of the table, or at the ends.. The servants commence upon the right of the master in DINNERS. 161 passing the dishes, ending with the lady of the house ; and with the guest on their mistress's right, ending with the master. A master or mistress should refrain from speaking to their servants at dinner, let what will go wrong. Care should be taken that they wear thin-soled shoes, that their steps may be noiseless, and if they use napkins in serving (as is the English custom), instead of gloves, their hands and nails should be faultlessly clean. One waiter to four persons, where there is a butler to carve, is sufficient ; and if well trained, one for every six is quite enough. A good servant is never awkward ; he turns the bottle after pour- ing each glass of wine, so as to prevent the last drop from trickling down or falling on the ladies' dresses, or protects it with his napkin. He avoids coughing, breathing hard, or treading on a lady's dress; never lets any article drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and spoons noise- lessly. It is now considered good form for a servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped around the thumb, that he may not touch the plates and dishes with the naked hand. A dining-room should have a carpet on it, even in sum- mer, to deaden the noise of the servants' footsteps. The chairs should be comfortable, and a footstool should be provided for each lady. The temperature should be care- fully attended to, that the room may be neither too cool nor too warm. The light should be in profusion, thrown on the table from a sufficient height not to create any glare in the eyes of the guests. As soon as seated, remove your gloves, place your table- napkin partly opened across your lap, your gloves under it, and your roll on the left hand side of your plate. If raw oysters are already served, you at once begin to eat ; 11 162 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. to wait for others to commence is old-fashioned. Take soup from the side of the spoon, and avoid maising any sound in drawing it up or swallowing it. If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait until you can catch his eye, anil then ask in a low tone for what you want. The mouth should always be kept closed in eating, and both eating and drinking shonld be noiseless. A wine- glass is held by the stem, not by the bowl. Never drink a glassful at once, nor drain the last drop. Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten with a fork. Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if so preferred. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten. It is well to observe what others do when any doubts exist in the mind, as customs differ everywhere. Fish and fruit are eaten with silver knives and forks. If silver fish-knives are not provided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers the purpose as well, with the fork in the right.* A soup-plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful. As the plate of each course is set before you with knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and fork instantly. This instruction cannot be too carefully observed. The serving of an entire course is delayed by neglecting to remove them. To a hostess, it is very try- ing to look down the sides of her table and see plate after plate with the knives and forks on them, which have to be removed by her servants, and placed at the side of the plates as they are serving j when, if her guests had not been inattentive to their duties, they would have been taken off as soon as the plate had been set before them, and the servants spared the awkwardness of doing it. Anything like greediness or indecision must not be indulged in. You must not take up one piece and lay it * In England, it is considered to be underbred ever to transfer the fork to the right hand. DINNERS. 163 down in favor of another, or hesitate. It looks gauche in the extreme not to know one's mind about trifles. Ladies seldom take cheese at dinner parties, or wine at dessert. Cheese is eaten with a fork, and not with a knife. Never allow the butler, or the one who pours, to fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to drink. A well-trained servant mentions the wine before pouring it; and where one has not been trained to do so, you can check him by touching the rim of your glass. You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do not wish to eat. If any course is set down before you that you do not wish, do not touch it. Never play with food, nor mince with your bread, nor handle the" glass and silver near you unnecessarily. Finger-glasses, with water slightly warmed and per- fumed, are preferable to passing a silver basin in which each dips his napkin in turn. Remove the d'oyley to the left hand, and place the finger glass upon it as soon as the dessert-plate has been placed before you. The dinner napkin is to be used for wiping the fingers, and never the d'oyley, unless at family dinners, where colored ones are used. Toasts and drinking the health are out of date with us happily, but no one can refuse when asked to drink with another. It is sufficient to fasten your eye upon the eye of the one asking you, bow the head slightly, touch the wine to your lips, and again bow before setting down the glass. The mouth should always be wiped with the napkin both before and after drinking. Have no fear in taking the last piece on the dish when it is offered to you. It is more uncivil to refuse it than to take it. If you break anything, do not apologize for it. Show the regret that you feel in your manner, but do not put it into words, while you are at the table. 164 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, The lady of the house should instruct her servants not to remove her plate until her guests have finished. The duties of a hostess are not onerous; but they demand tact, good breeding, and self-possession. If she speaks of any omission by which her servants have inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her. No accident must disturb her; no disappointment embarrass her. Her precious china and her rare glass, if broken before her eyes, she must seem not to be aware of it. The host must aid the hostess in her efforts ; be must have the genius of tact to perceive, and the genius of finesse to execute, ease and frankness of manner, a knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, a calmness of tempei* that nothing can disturb, and a kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. He must encourage the timid, draw out the silent, and direct conversation rather than sustain it himself. He who does not strive after this end is wanting in his duty as a host. Never reprove servants before any one. No matter what may go wrong, a hostess possessing savoir vivre will never seem to notice it, to the annoyance of her guests. By passing it over herself, it will escape the attention of others, very frequently. If her guests arrive late, she must welcome them as cordially as if they liad come early; but as she will commit a rudeness towards those who arrive punctually by waiting long, she must not feel compelled to remain in her drawing-room beyond the fifteen minutes of grace that custom has pre- scribed. Thackeray is very severe upon those who arrive late; but unavoidable mistakes in the hour, made some- times by those who are entirely innocent of any wish to produce a sensation, cause guests to be very uncharitable, DINNERS. 165 although the host and hostess may not be so. Gentlemen cannot be invited without their wives, where other ladles than those of the family are present; or ladies without their husbands, when other ladles are invited with their husbands. This rule has no exceptions. It seems that it had never entered Mrs. Gray's mind that Mr. Goldmore could have been invited even to a family dinner, and Mrs. Goldmore left at home, to dine alone. But this is con- stantly done when men alone are invited. Some persons feel slighted if their guests receive any attentions that are not extended to themselves. But four out of one family would go far towards constituting a family dinner ; and it is not reasonable, where the dinner is a very small one, to expect to be included. When the dinner is a large and ceremonious one, some member or members of the family with whom the invited g(^ests are staying, should be invited with them. Epergnes are now often replaced by low dishes of majolica, crystal, or silver, filled with flowers. These are preferable, as they do not hide the faces around the table. Every hostess now has her own ideas in reference to embel- lishing a dinner-table, which prevents that tiresome uni- formity that used to prevail. The host has the same privilege in his wines, both in the order of serving and in the variety. Everywhere, however. Sherry is served with soup, and Sauterne or Hock with fish. As a general rule, Americans prefer Champagne, served after fish, with all the courses ; but red wine should be provided for those who prefer it. Re d wine sh ould never be iced, ev en_in, summer. Burgundy for game, and Claret for sweets, should be made the temperature of the room, or a trifle warmer. It destroys the flavor of choice wines to ice them or to heat them too much. Lumps of ice should never be 166 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. placed in any glasses excepting those used for water. Champagne is iced in the bottles. The glasses are removed by the servants when the crumb knife is used, and replaced with Madeira and Sherry glasses for the sweets and dessert. One must not speak of Sherry wine, Port wine, etc., but of Sherry and Port. Choose your wine and keep it, never taking but one kind at dessert. The butler pours the wines in turn, mentioning the name of each wine, and pouring it immediately, unless signalled not to do so. If he pours more than you wish, you check him by touching your glass. Port, wlien passed with the cheese, is left on the table with the Sherry and Madeira, after the one or the other has been served to all the guests. When the hostess sees that all have finished, she looks at the lady who is^ sitting on the right of the host, and the company rise, and return in the order that they are seated without precedence. When not served at the table, coffee is passed in the drawing-room almost im- mediately. An hour or so later, tea is passed to those guests who have not already taken their departure. Oq the arrival of each carriage, a servant enters and an- nounces it in a low tone to the owner. As eating with another under his roof is in all conditions of society regarded as a sign of good will, those who par- take of proffered hospitalities only to slander and abuse their host and hostess, should remember that in the. opin- ion of all honorable persons they injure themselves only by doing so. The Count of Monte Cristo makes it a strong point that he has eaten nothing under the roof of those he is plotting against ; and this has been the feeling, from the earliest times, of gentlemen and ladies, and has survived in all its force to the present day with the well- trained and the honorable-minded. DINNERS. 167 Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by all who have been invited, whether the invitation was ac- cepted or not. Those who are in the habit of giving din- ners though en petit comM, or even only en famiUe, should return the invitation before another dinner invitation is extended. Society is very severe upon those who do not return their debts of hospitality, if they have the means to do so. If they never entertain any one, because of lim- ited means, or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and never expected that they should make exceptions; or if they are in the habit of giving other entertainments, and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment may be. Some are deterred from accepting invitations by the feel- ing that they cannot return the hospitality in as magnificent a form. It is not the costly preparations, nor the ex- pensive repast offered, which are the most agreeable fea- tures of any invitation, it is the kind and friendly feeling that is shown. Those who are not deterred from accepting such invitations for this reason, and who enjoy the fruits of the friendliness thus shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty, and very little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling manifested, they fail to avail them- selves of it. The judgment of society is equally as hard on such, as was Thackeray upon those who arrived late at a dinner, and the mean man, in his estimation, was as snob- bish as the ostentatiously profuse one, or as the pretentious one. True hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires any return, and it is only the inhospitable that keep a debt and credit account. It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner it is indispensable to have certain dishes, and a variety of 168 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. wines, because others serve them. Those who entertain constantly, often use their own discretion, and never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners given are those which are the least expensive. We have too many courses, too great a variety of wines, keep our guests too long at the table. The last Napoleon said no man was excusable for keeping his guests over two hours at the table ; but how often do we hear the ignorant speaking of the number of hours (sometimes four or five), as the gauge of the suc- cess of a dinner. One of the best of American men once called a menu, copied from the dinner of a foreign min- ister who is still famous for his good dinners (at a certain European Court where no bad dinners are ever heard of), " a starvation menu," rejoicing that he was not one of the invited guests. Andther American, who is the very prince of hospitality himself, shook his head and criticized the menu of a dinner served in a royal palace, as having too few courses, too few wines. It is this general feeling that people cannot entertain without committing all sorts of extravagances, which causes many persons, in every way well qualified to do in- calculable good socially, to exclude themselves from all general society. The result is that minds which are expanded by culture and experience are frequently shut out from the sphere where their influence is most needed. Mere boys and girls, in certain circles, constitute and control society; and those who strive for a reformation, have in more than one instance been made the victims of the boorishness and the want of cultivation which they condemned; while others, among the better cultivated, who should have stood by them, in behalf of the interests of society, have helped to swell the tide of ridicule that was encountered. DIKNERS. 169 III these days, intellect is transferred from the head to the heels, and when we ask what is discussed at parties, the appropriate answer would be, " people dance." This will not be remedied until the silly spirit of rivalry and ostentation is subdued, and people learn that it is possible to receive friends without turning their homes into res- taurants. Let those who have the gift of entertaining, by promoting conversation among their guests, and putting them at ease, receive their friends freely, without feeding them. Id our large cities, receptions without suppers are well attended. Their great point of advantage has already been shown in a previous chapter. That man is to be pitied who cannot enjoy social intercourse without eating and drinking. The lowest orders, it is true, cannot im- agine a cheerful assembly without the attractions of the table, and this reflection alone should induce all who aim at intellectual culture to endeavor to avoid placing the choicest phases of social life on such a basis. Some of the most charming dinners given are those which are the least expensive. No variety of wines is necessary. Sherry for the soup and sweets, and red wine, or Champagne, are sufficient. When everything is good in quality, and the dishes are well dressed, served hot and in proper succession, with their adjuncts, and where the guests are congenial, a degree of enjoyment will be insured that no one need be afraid to offer. A spotless tablecloth, tiiin glass — though neither engraved nor cut, the plainest china — if not cracked or fractured at the edges, are all that is absolutely necessary in the way of table appointments, pro- vided the silver and the cutlei^ are in equally good con- dition Small dinners can always be better served than large ones, and the hostess who has only her own well- trained servants to wait on the table can enjoy the society 170 SENSIBLE BTIftUETTE. of her guests, as she is not able to do when the number ia so large that waiters must be called in to assist, Some wait- ing-maids are as thoroughly trained and as expeditious as any butler can be, and it is much better, where two men servants are not kept, to have the waiting-maid assist, than to trust a stranger, when the dinner is a small one. The following verses give a clue to the secret of the highest enjoyment of all social gatherings, be they small or large. In this menu for two we see it was the com- panionship, the sympathy that existed, which secured the enjoyment of the dinner more than the number of courses; and that even a " starvation dinner," may be made a feast of love and a flow of soul : "We dined. A fish from the river beneath, A cutlet, a bird from the windy heath Where we had wandered, happy and mute ; It was a silent day with us — In the early time it is often thus | But my sweet love chatted when -Game the fruit. " Flavor of sunburnt nectarine, And the light that danced thro' a wine-glass thin, Pilled with juice of the grape of Ehine ; She^'talked and laughed about this and that, Easy, exquisite, foolish chat. While her pretty, fluttering hand sought mine. " And I thought : Come glory or come distress, In this wonderful, weary wilderness. This hour is mine till the day of death ; The fruit, the wine, and my lady fair. With a flower of the heath in her dim brown hair. And a sigh of love in her fragrant breath." A more matter of fact menu is the one before referred to, as used at a small dinner given in a royal palace, which ia as follows : DINNERS. 171 Potage Tortue & I'Anglaise — Zeres. Petite Chartreuses i. la Valenoienne — Ch. Lafitte. Dames de Saumon S. la St. Cloud — Ch. d' Yquem. Quartier de Chevreuil glace ii, la Varin — Champagne. Cotelettes d'Agneau a la Richelieu — Bourgogne. Dindonneaux bardfe rotis, garni de Cresson — Steinberger, 1846. Salade aux truflFes ^ I'Euglnie — Steinberger, 1846. Fonds d'Artichauts & la Lyonnaise — Champagne. Pouding i la d'Albertas — Champagne. DESSERT Compotes assortis et glace — Vieille Madere. Oranges, Baisin frais et bon-bons, Canaris. It will be seen that Champagne was served with tlie sweets, as is the Continental custom. Biscuit, cheese, coffee and cordials are never placed on foreign menus, but are always served. When the dinner has been a protracted one, coffee and cordials are passed in the drawing-room ; but when it has not exceeded the limited two hours it is better to have them passed before leaving the table, as in Trance. Gentlemen do not remain to smoke after the ladies leave; but the host provides cigars in his library, billiard-room, or smoking-room, as he chooses. The menu of the " starvation dinner" was as follows : MENU II. Sherry — Consomme h, la Eoyale. Puree k la Beine. Petites timbales aux champignons. Hock — Polsson, sauce HoUandaise. Champagne — Quartiera de chevreuil, sauce poivrade. Vol-au-vent k la Parisienne. Cotelettes d'agneau, k la puree de marrons. Aspic de homards. Terrapin. Sherry. Punch i, la Bomaine. Burgundy — Cailles rotis, salade. Asperges en branches. Sherry — Timbale de fruits, k la vanilla. Glaces, dessert, bon-bons. 372 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. The custom of passing two kinds of soup, and two kinds of fish, greatly retards the speedy serving of the dinner when the number of guests is large, and it is, therefore, better when only one kind is handed. Another menu from a dinner given by a Prussian noble* man, whose chef de cuisine and confiseur are almost as renowned (in their line) as is the nobleman himself, in another line, is as follows : MENU III. Le consomme Richelieu. Eissoles k la Monglas. Turbot, sauce aux huitres et horaards. Selle do chevreuil, sauce poivrade et groseille. Supremes de volailles S, la Marechale. Filets de gelinottes ^ la perigord. Chaufroix de foies gras h la geUe. Sorbets au champagne. Faisans de Boheme. Ponds d'artichaux ^ la Lyonnaise. Savarin a I'Ananas. Glaces fruits, bon-bons. "With this dinner, biscuit and cheese were handed in their course, green peas, delicious cakes and sweets, the handiwork of the confiseur, and coffee and cordials. The amount of money expended upon the teaching of cooks and pastry cooks of wealthy noblemen would astonish many of our gourmets. An American lady, for whom a dinner was given by a foreign nobleman, asked him where he had found a cook who could prepare and serve up such marvellous dishes, fancying he would say he had brought him from Paris. The answer was that he had taken a peasant woman from one of his own estates, and sent her first to Paris, and then to Berlin, paying large sums for her instruction, and keeping her in practice by sending her DINMBES. 173 from time to time to famous chefs de cuisine ia his own city. One more menu: this time of a state dinner, given for a Grand Duchess in Paris : MENU IV. Potage Sultane. Timbales 3, la Parisienne. Saumon, Sauce Crevettes. Pilet de Bceaf 3, la Montmorency. SuprSmes de Filets de Volailles aux Trufias. C6telette de Chevreuil sauce poivrade. Pain de JToies gras en Bellevue. Punch k la Eomaine. Perdreaux et CalUes ^ la Perigueux. Salade de Bomaine, Petits pois k la Prancaise. Napolitain. Madeleines Glacfies. Bills of fare in English, are better than those written in French, for this side of the water. Servants hand the dishes to the left of the guests, when passing the courses. A gentleman who entertained company frequently at dinner had an attendant who was a native of Africa, that never could be taught to hand things invariably to the left hand of the guests at table. At length his master thought of an infallible expedient to direct him; and, as the coats were then worn single-breasted, in :^he present Quaker fashion, he told him always to hand the plate to the button-hole side. Unfortunately, however, for the poor fellow, on the day after he had received this inge- nious lesson there was among the guests at dinner a gen- tleman with a double-breasted coat, and the African was, for a while," completely at a stand. He looked first at one side of the gentleman's coat, then at the other, and 174 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. finally, coiiFounded at the outlandish make of the stranger's garments, he cast a despairing look at his master, and, ex- claiming in a loud voice, "Button-holes on both sides, massa !" handed the plate over the gentleman's head. Keaching the table, it was formerly the custom in old- .school circles for every lady to remain standing until the hostess had reached her chair, she not seating herself until after the ladies who were her guests were seated. No)v, for the greater convenience of the gentlemen who escort the ladies, they take their seats, leaving their cavaliers to remain standing until the hostess is seated. When a breakfast, a lunch, or a dinner, is served after the Russian fashion, no one should ask a second time for any dish; but when passed more than once, one is, of course, at liberty to take a second portion. Servants pass the various dishes, after the French mode, when the por- tions are not taken off by the butler at a side table, and the plate with its portion set down in front of each guest, as is frequently done when the guests number over twenty. This method of serving, though not so well approved, greatly facilitates the necessary dispatch, and is strictly d la Russe. The knives and forks* used in the course, pre- viously placed on a cold plate in front of each person, are immediately removed by tlie guest (as before instructed). The servant who takes the hot plate, with the portion which the butler has served on it, removes the cold plate with the other hand, replacing it with the hot one and its contents. Here will be seen the importance of the imme- diate removal by each guest of the knife and fork, as otherwise the one serving is obliged to remove them, or is delayed by their tardy removal. * La fourohette ne so pose jamais sur le dos. Tous les utensiles da table ne doivent jamais etre donn& du c6t6 de la points. II faut les tenir par le milieu. DIPLOMATIC ETIQUETTE. l76 The old custom of placing the dishes on the table for exhibition before carving them is " out of date," much to the discomfiture of those cooks who prided themselves upon their skill in garnishing, but to the entire satisfaction of all others concerned. The present mode is much more expe- ditious, and all forms should be encouraged which have a tendency to limit the time occupied in serving the dinner to the two hours which good form prescribes. For small dinners one hour, or at most one hour and a half, is the allotted time. A Washington authority says, " Do not be persuaded to exceed ten courses." This is good advice. It is a pleasure to learn, through Mrs. Dahlgren's little book on " Etiquette," that young people in Washington do not hold the sway there that they do in some of our cities, and that parties, presided over by young ladies, and not dig- nified by the appearance of their parents, are unknown in the capital of our nation. Probably the presence of so many persons of importance in state aifairs has a tendency to keep the young in their proper place ; and, without doubt, the example of well-trained foreign young ladies is bene- ficial. Our country is so large and our population so het- erogeneous the wonder is that we have been able to main- tain in any circles a general understanding as to the required conventionalities of society, and not that there should be a different understanding of them iu different circles. In Washington, as in other places, it seems that animosi- ties have been engendered by the omission of certain ob- servances, exacted by some and not so understood by others, thus proving the importance of a general understanding of the duties imposed. Mention is made in Mrs. Dahl- gren's book of some Senator's wife who took offence because at a dinner the host had taken in the wife of a foreigp 176 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. minister instead of herself. The host was clearly in the right, as diplomatic etiquette required him to seat on his right the wife of the foreign minister present who had been longest at his post, and on his left, the wife of the most distinguished American who was his guest. All private social customs give way before the code of diplomatic etiquette. A lady who was passing a winter at a European court, after having received calls from different members of the court circle, found the card of the English minister left again, soon after, with that of his newly- arrived first secretary. As the wife of the secretary was a younger woman than herself, and had arrived later, the American lady could not understand why the secretary's wife had not accompanied her husband in his call. Before the winter was over the American lady learned that it was her duty to pay the first call, according to a rule which exempts the wives of diplomates from making some calls that it is the duty of others to make ; and that, after -the call of the secretary, it was her duty to call upon his wife, as well as that by neglecting to make this call she had oc- casioned comment. The knowledge of such exceptions to general rules does not come intuitively, and it would have been a kindness had some friend instructed the lady as to her duty. Upon another occasion, the same lady, whose husband held no official position, was placed, contrary to her request, on the right of her host at a dinner that was given for her, while the wives of high official personages were seated beneath her. In this instance the host had taken the pre- caution to inquire of an authority if it would be in order to seat the lady for whom the dinner was given on his right, and the order of precedence had been changed to suit the occasion. The experiment, however, proved to be an unfortunate one in interrupting the kind feeling that PRECEDENCE. 177 had before existed between the American lady and the wife of the oldest diplomate present, who felt herself aggrieved. It is fortunate that we are able in America to consult our wishes in such matters, and give age, or strangers, or those for whom the dinner is given, the precedence, according to American customs; or a bride, according to English and New England rules, without being in danger of incurring ill-will by not observing the precedence that rank or sta- tion gives. Even in America, however, it is a good plan to regard the prejudices of others in such matters, and to leave out from dinners those who are in official positions if you do not wish to seat them where they have a right to expect to be seated, unless you can safely rely upon their good sense and reasonableness. " Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's" is a law that is still held in force by those who have been trained to respect it ; and if Caesar is a guest, he should have the seat that he is entitled to occupy. For- tunately, or unfortunately, we have few Caesars to trouble oureelves about, but the aged we have always with us, and they will always receive the respect of those who respect themselves. It is seldom that the aged are treated with seeming disrespect in cultivated circles, but frequently some want of attention towards the middle-aged jars upon our sensibilities, some lack of deference shocks us for a moment. An omission that would be only a neglect towards a younger person, becomes an impertinence towards an elder. A fictitious case will make the meaning clearer. Vie, will suppose that a lady and her daughter, or two sisters living in the same house, one married, the other single, should make a call upon a dowager neighbor whom they had never met, and that the dowager, upon returning the visit on the reception-day, and during the hours desig- nated on the cards of the callers, should be received by the 12 178 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. young tinmarrled lady, while the elder one, although at home, should not make her appearance, and no apology be made for her absence; this would be more than an omission of duty, more than a want of proper respect. Ignorance on the part of the first caller could alone pre- vent it from seeming an impertinence, and that charity that thinketh no evil could alone prevent the last caller from feeling that she had been treated with premeditated rudeness. Had she, however, been a young girl instead of a dowager, then there would have been no want of respect — no rudeness shown by the married lady's absent- ing herself, although even then the instinct of a lady should lead her to send her excuse for not appearing. Within the ethnical circle of good society there is a nar- rower and higher circle, and only in this inner and impe- rial court can one hope to meet with that fastidious exclu- sion of impertinences which marks a society of well-bred men and women. Some writers go so far as to affirm that there must be two generations of transmitted culture to insure this state of society. Admitting this, is the great difference between European society (such as one finds in their highest circles of rank), and fashionable American society, any cause for surprise, since the well-bred are in the majority in distinguished society abroad, while with us they are in the minority ? Here it is no unusual thing to see women, with the air and carriage of those European pretenders to fashion, who resemble, in the pose of their head and their general manners, a chambermaid dressed in her mistress's gOwn, or an ill-bred duchess, moving in the same class with our high-bred women who would grace the circles of any court. As a rule, the low-bred duchess, or the chambermaid, would learn sooner to imitate the repose and the simplicity of the well-bred than do these women. Even if their na- PRETENCE. 179 tures are such as to cause them to be utterly obtuse to the effect they produce upon people of good-breeding, one would suppose there \yould be found somewhere within the limits of their family circles a relative who could enlighten them. Can it be that, finding themselves in the American Belgravia without that training which good birth or good mothers would have secured them, they fancy that the supercilious air which they assume denotes their superior- ity to the " vulgar herd ;" while the truth is that, although the vulgar herd may be in every way unfitted for com- panionship with them, they know enough to discern be- tween sterling, gold and its sham, and to pronounce with Thackeray that all pretence is snobbery, " pur et simple." " What do people say of me ?" asked one of these women who knew that her frequent rudenesses were commented upon. " It is not always agreeable to hear what is said of one," was the answer of the kindhearted person of whom the question had been asked ; and who, in repeating the con - versation, added, " I would have told her if I had ever heard one good word said of her, but I never have." An American author writes as follows : " I once met two ladies, moving in what is considered our best society, one of whom impressed me in every way, by her carriage, her movements, her manners, as a woman of gentle birth and good breeding. Inquiring about her, I was informed that her grandmother had kept a green- grocer's shop, and, receiving the information as a fact, I recalled the housemaid grandmother of the Earl of Guild- ford and the Marquis of Bute, and the goodness of heart which, with her beauty, helped to raise her from a peasant's life. It was not until several years had passed that I learned the 'green-grocer grandmother' was an invention of some envious rival, and that if any woman in Americii 180 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. has blue blood in , her veins, this charming representative of American women has. Quite in contradistinction to her is the other. Her manners would be called bad if she were a kitchen-maid. She illustrates a class who, by accident, find themselves in society, or who, finding themselves there, copy the manners described in English novels as belonging to the ' haute voUe' by authors who do not know enough of English high-life to make their titled characters address each other in proper terms, and who ignorantly fancy that every titled man or woman must be supercilious ; making them act and talk accordingly in their works of fiction. The truth being that the well-bred, in any society, have no pretence nor superciliousness." Ruskin says : A perfect gentleman is never reserved, but sweetly and entirely open, so far as it is possible for him to be, though in a great many respects it is impossible that he should be open except to men of his own kind. The true gentlewoman causes all persons whom she ap- proaches to feel perfectly at home with her. Indeed, this has been defined to be the very first characteristic of one. It is the parvenue rising suddenly and without training into her station, who seeks to awe and to keep at a distance those with whom she is thrown, who bows in the prome- nade one day, and turns her eyes away the next. Some- times .this manner in a woman may arise from mauvaise horde, assumed to cover the want of ease experienced by its truly unfortunate possessor. The efiect is the same, and let her not hope to escape being classed with the low-bred and the vulgar, until she has acquired that ease that is characteristic of those whose thoughts are not too much occupied with the effect they produce. Then she will no sooner pass an acquaintance without a salutation of recog- nition than a king or queen would. The higher the rank the more affable people are, was FASHION. 181 well said by the artist Sully, while in England ; for in the highest circles of rank the ill-bred are never tolerated, un- less they conceal their deficiencies. If they have not the polish of genuine politeness, they must have the varnish of its counterfeit. Thus, these circles are called exclusive circles. Some one has said, it is easy to be exclusive if you are willing to be dull ; but there is an exclusiveness wliich is sometimes complained of, that is a desirable exclusiveness, and by no means dull. When those in whom heroic dis- positions are native possess that love of the beautiful in conduct as well as in other things, and that delight in the intercourse of refined and cultivated minds which leads them to exclude coarse natures, whose acts, and speech, and manners, grate upon the finely-attuned cords of their sensibilities and turn harmony into discord, then exclu- siveness becomes praiseworthy, and is no longer bad form. Fashion, as has already been quoted from Emerson, is an attempt to organize beauty of behavior, and where the attempt has not succeeded, where those who are at the head of social life do not encourage all efforts to stimulate the growth and the spread of refined taste, there will be found a society of snobs. The best society pardons much to genius and special gifts, but, being in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional, or what belongs to coming together. That makes the good and the bad of manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship. It hates sharp points of char- acter, hates rude, egotistical, solitary and gloomy people, whilst it values all peculiarities that do not interrupt its harmony as in the highest degree refreshing. And besides the general infusion of wit to heighten civility, the direct splendor of intellectual power is ever welcome in the best society. One secret of success in it is a certain heartiness 182 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and sympathy ; yet it is true that fashion has many classes and many rules of probation and admission, and these not always the best. There is not only the right of conquest which genius claims, the individual demonstrating his natural aristocracy, best of the best, but less claims will pass for the time ; for fashion loves lions, and often passes over their defects. Good manners then, as we have seen, facilitate inter- course, free us from impediments, aiding, as a railway aids travelling, by getting rid of all avoidable obstructions of the road ; and also, as we have seeni the power of fashion is just in proportion to the importance that it gives to maimers. Where the manners are bad, no society can be improving. Fashion becomes an insolent pretence — a humbug— where rudeness is admitted and impertinence is toleratedj It then holds the same relation to true fashion that counterfeit gold holds to sterling gold. The lovers of the genuine avoid it, as they avoid all shams. They seek the sterling fashion which Emerson defines as funded talent. Its objects may oftentimes be frivolous, or it may be objectless, but its nature is neither frivolous nor acci- dental. It unbars its doors instantaneously to a natural claim of its own kind. Sterling fashion understands itself; good breeding and personal superiority, of what- ever country, readily fraternize with those of every other. Numbers of our American women of worth who have enjoyed the brilliant society of European courts, and whose ancestral connections " shone as stars " at our " Republican Court " in the days of Washington, avoid all fashionable society in America, because the currency of feshion is so adulterated here that they cannot otherwise prevent its worthless' brassy coins being imposed upon them for those of the pure gold which they alone value. Sterling fashion rests on reality, and hates nothing so STERLING FASHION. 183 much as pretenders ; she gives over the laws of behavior into the charge of her ministers and apostles, and confides to them the task of separating the spurious coin of her cur- rency from the real gold. Good sense, character, and strong will are her ministers. They are always in the fashion, let who will be unfashionable. Deference to riches or to position forfeits all privilege of nobility iu her ranks. Such are underlings ; avoid them ; speak only with their masters. Avoid that company where you cannot preserve the same attitude of mind and reality of relation which you bear with your daily associates, continues Emerson. Let those who scoiF at fashion, bear in mind the differ- ence that exists between the true queen, whose subjects are of the true aristocracy, and the pretender, whose rule extends over the sham aristocracy. The love of cultivated manners, the respect that respects the rights of others, inspires and dictates the commandments pf true fashion. Purse-pride, worldly pomp and selfishness dictate the creed of its counterfeit. What if the false queen sometimes bows true ladies and gentlemen out of her presence? The real queen recog- nizes them at a glance, and makes room for them among their own kind. The reason Euskin gives for the different impressions which the well-bred man makes upon his fellow-beings is one that is worth regarding: To men of his own kind he can open himself by a word, or syllable, or glance; but to men not of his kind he cannot open himself, though he tried it through an eternity of clear grammatical speech. Whatever he said a vulgar man would misinterpret ; no words that he could use would bear the same sense to the vulgar man that they do to- him. Therefore, men and women possessing this fineness of nature, this sensitive organization, are more liable to be misunderstood and mis- 184 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, represented than are those who are wanting in these quali- ties. But as their constant and intelligent sensibility is understood and appreciated by their "own kind," they lose nothing in losing the appreciation of natures with which they have nothing in common. A lady in England, living in a princely establishment, wishing to show some ■ attention to a man outside of her circle, who had lent his influence in a cause that she was interested in, gave him a verbal invitation to spend an evening with her. " You are very kind, mum, but I have already seen your house, and it wouldn't be worth my while to go over it again." The lady, in repeating it, withheld the name, but said she felt as if she had been struck with a pistol-shot at this miscomprehension of her motives. " We are the. makers of manners, Kate," says young King Henry to his princess, and every man and every woman who possesses that sensitiveness which Euskin declares to be the sign of nobleness, that fineness of nature which, in his opinion, creates the true gentleman, the true gentle- Woman, will, almost unconsciously to themselves, become in a degree the makers of manners in the circles in which they move. We have in mind now a family of sisters whose refinement and courtesy in speech and manners has influenced for years, without their knowledge, many with whom they have been thrown. The worst that has ever been said of them is that they are exclusive; and they have won the right to exclude the ill-bred and the igno- rant from their homes. Nothing is so contagious as bad example ; if good exam- ple were as much so, then would we plead with all true gentlewomen to submit to the annoyances of intercourse with those who show their need of the refining influences SNIFFINESS. 185 of good examples. But alas! woman, like man, is, as has been said, the creature of habit, especially of bad habits. In other words, it is the bad examples which carry with them the greatest amount of influence. Who is there who has not been thrown with some one woman, jat least, who, from bad training, displays either rudeness, or what a writer in a recent number of Soribner calls "sniffiness?" And as, unfortunately, those persons who possess fineness of nature do not predominate in this world, either premeditated rudeness or sniffiness becomes the fashion with those of congenial natures, in her especial clique. This writer says : Some persons are born sniffy, some achieve sniffiness, and some have sniffiness thrust upon them. According to Ruskin's ideas, wherever sniffiness, or premeditated rudeness, is found, there will be found either low birth or some defect in early training, with that coarseness of nature -which breeds vulgarity of conduct. It would be as impossible for a true gentle- woman to be habitually rude, or even "sniffy," as it would be for a thoroughbred horse to possess the qualities of a plough-horse. The human being shows blood and breeding as well as other animals. Many years ago, a clergyman in a town in Massachu- setts, annoyed by the levity of some young persons in his congregation, stopped in the midst of his sermon, fixed his eyes upon them, and said, solemnly : " When I see young men laughing and whispering in the house of God, I make up my mind that they are of mean birth, low parentage, and that their natures are coarse, not subject to refine- ment." In the same way the sniffy woman, wherever she is found, abroad or at home, impresses the true gentlewoman as of low origin. If born sniffy, one of her parents must have been sniffy before her, thus showing low birth ; if 186 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. she has achieved sniffiness, she displays the bad nurture, or home training, that she has had ; and if she has had sniffiness thrust upon her, nine cases out of ten you will find that to the absence of that sensitiveness of nature ■which belongs to the true gentlewoman, she adds that innate vulgarity which leads its possessor to resent upon others the " sniffiness" that she has been subjected to. Some men and women are too coarsely made to appre- ciate the delicacy of beautiful carriage and customs. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short distances the senses are despotic. The flower of courtesy does not very well bide handling, but when the anatomist who dissects it does it for the good of society, he finds that it has in it an intellectual quality. To the leaders of men, the brain, as well as the heart, must furnish a proportion. The creators of fashion, the centres of society, on which it returns for fresh impulses, are found among the generous, the heroic, the brave. Among them there may often be, as Emerson says there is, some absurd inventor of chari- ties; some friend of Poland; some Phillelene ; some guide and comforter of the unfortunate or the oppressed ; some fanatic who plants shade-trees for the good of the second and third generation, when he himself shall have passed away ; and among them will always be found those who, disregarding some of fashion's laws, are a law unto them- selves, in its true spirit, in every act of their lives. Their examples, their lives, live and bear fruit when they are in the grave ; the trees they plant affijrd them no shade, but they do not plant them for themselves. Nor can men benefit those that are with them as they can benefit those who come after them ; for of all the pulpits from which human voice is ever sent forth, there is none from which it reaches so far as from the grave. Richard Hooker says : " To the best and wisest people LlVlNa FOR OTHERS. 187 the world is continually a froward opposite; and a curious observer of their defects and imperfections ; their virtues afterwards it as much admireth. The envious world likes not the sound of a living man's praise. Wait, ye just, ye merciful, ye tender-hearted, ye faithful ! Wait but for a little while, for this is not your rest." And a greater preacher than Hooker adds his testi- mony : I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice and to do good in his life. There is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his own works. Again, I considered all travail, and every right work, that for this a man is envied of his neighbor. Marvel not at the matter, for he that is higher than the highest re- gardeth, and there be higher than they. But how shall we do good ? how shall we live for others ? some readers may ask, who feel that not even one talent has been intrusted to their care to increase and multiply. There are myriad ways. We go through this world but once, and every hour of our lives is filled with opportu- nities that pass away never to return again ; therefore, any good thing that we can do, any kindness that we can show our fellow-beings, let us not defer or neglect it, for we shall not come this way again. Happy is he who has learned this one thing,- to do the plain duty of the moment quickly and cheerfully, wher- ever and whatever it may be. He who meets the thousand and one daily frets and annoyances of life, and takes them so far as he must, and avoids them so far as he may, and bears them with pa- tience and cheerfulness as part of the discipline of life, is living a heroic life before God that will not be lost upon his fellow-beings. "His life, that has been dropped aside Into Time's stream, may stir the tida In rippled circles spreading wide." 188 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. He who bears unmerited reproaches, ne-ver-ending mis- understanding of his motives and actions, constant mis- representations of his aims and ends by his own kin, or by the envious, the jealous and the unjust, without allowing his nature to become warped, his temper to become spoiled, his heart to grow callous, he is bearing all in a way to honor God and do good to mankind. The more grand and noble the soul, the more it will be wounded by the blows of injustice. It is a grand thing for a man to carry himself bravely through such blows — to endure silently when he is picked at and pierced and wronged. It is a great thing to see men and women with tender hearts, who feel keenly every act of injustice, every misinterpretation of impulses that are heaven-born in their souls, training themselves to bear all, and to smother the agony that en- durance of them brings. Such men and women are not living in vain. " The cry wrung from their spirit's pain, May echo on some far-oft plain, And gulde-a wanderer home again." It is a great thing to see sensitive men and women (the unarmed among the well armed, the unveiled where all are masked), bringing real faith and conscientiousness to bear in overcoming their sensitiveness ; receiving the chastisements of discipline as heaven-sent, and so profiting by them as to almost put it out of the power of any man to hurt them. That is to say, where a man has the testimony of his own conscience that his aims are right, that he means always to do the right things, and feels confidence that he has the power to maintain himself in the right, he can live beyond the reach of any harm that men can inflict upon him. Such a man is not living for himself alone. " His heart may throb in vast content, "Well knowing that it was but meant As chord in one great instrument." DINNERS. 189 They who bear their failures, whether of high endeavor, earnest resolve, or baffled plans, with that courage which leads them to strive again and again for the victory that is promised only to those who endure to the end — they are living for others quite as much as for themselves. " Fail — yet rejoice, because no less The failure that makes thy distress May teach another full success." They who have hearts to feel for another's woes are not living in vain ; they who can spare time from the claims of home and society to weep with those who weep — time to strive to pour the balm of sympathy into unclosed wounds ; time to strive to show those who ar^ stricken with a deep sorrow or a heavy trouble, how work, which oc- cupies not only the hands but the brain, will help them to bear their burdens as nothing else can, they are not living in vain. It requires a great deal of resolution to break away from the apathy of grief; but the eflFort once made, if there is anything in the individual, he or she will never turn back. After work, real work, work with the hands, head and heart — after this will come trust, and with trust will come peace. " Eouse to some work of high and holy love, And thou an angel's happiness shalt know — Shalt bless the earth, while in th^ world above The good begun by thee shall onward flow, In many a branching stream, and wider grow. The seed that in these few and fleeting hours Thy bands unsparing and unwearied sowed. Shall deck thy grave with amarathine flowers. And yield thee fruit divine in Heaven's immortal bowers." 190 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTK. CHAPTER VL KECEPTIONS — PAKTIBS— BALLS— YOUNG MEN UNDER TWEN- TY-ONE— INFLUENCE OF SISTERS — TRUE LOVE. " On receiving an invitation to an evening party, an ' At Home,' or whatever it may happen to be, reply within a day or two at least." — Modern Etiguetie, London. " The promptness with which answers are sent to all invitations, and to all notes, or letters, requiring answers, depends upon the good breeding of the person addressed. Dinner invitations should be an- swered as soon as they are received; all other invitations as soon as is possible after their reception." — From ihe French of Saint-Loup. " The whole condition of society is elevated and improved by a due regard of its observances and its forms. Everything depends upon the home training, and upon customs, and where the custom prevaili of sending tardy replies to notes of invitation, even well-bred per sons grow careless. There are no general rules without exceptions and there are cases in which answers are delayed. The difference, then, shown between the well-bred person and one who has not re ceived proper instruction in such matters is, that the former apolo- gizes for the delay. Those who have been correctly trained know when they have been guiltyof a solecism in manners, and they hasten to repair it, quite as much out of self-respect as from courtesy. ' Each of us has an inner spiritual, perhaps, unconscious life in its deeper parts, which reveals itself in'Our outer life and actions.' Untrained characters will not willingly submit to any rules." — Mrs. Moore. Dr. Verdi says : " The summit of woman's growth is attained at the age of twenty-one, while that of man is put at twenty-five. Legislators, recognizing this difference, have decreed that her ma- jority shall be ateighteen, while thatof the man is decreed at twenty- one." Herr Teufelsdrockh's hard philosophy recognized the difference when he said : ' I have heard affirmed, surely in jest, by no unphil- anthropic persons, that it were a real increase of human happiness could! all young men from the age of nineteen be covered under barrels, RECEPTIONS. 191 ur rendered otherwise invisible, and there left to follow their lawful studies and callings till they emerged, sadder and wiser, at the age of twenty-five.' "With which suggestion, at least as considered in the light of a practical scheme, I need scarcely say that I in nowise co- incide. Nevertheless, it is plausibly urged that as young ladies are, to mankind, preoiselj' the most delightful in those years, so young gentlemen do then attain their maximum of detestability. Such gawks are they, and foolish peacocks, and yet with such a vulturous hunger for self-indulgence, so obstinate, obstreperous, vain-glorious; in all senses froward and so forward." — Carlyle's Sartor Reaartus. Morning receptions, as they are called, but more cor- rectly speaking, afternoon parties, are generally held from four to seven o'clock. Occasionally a sufficient number for a cotillion arrange to remain after the crowd has gone. In either case the dress is the same ; for men morning dress, as before given ; for ladies demi-toilette, with or without bonnet. No low-necked gown nor short sleeves should be seen at a day reception, nor white neck-ties and dress coats. The material of costumes or toilettes may be of velvet, silk, muslin, gauze or grenadine, according to the season of the year and the taste of the wearer, but her more elegant jewelry and laces should be reserved for eve- ning parties. The corsage of the dress can be open in front, with standing or falling laces or sheer ruffles. Gaifds de Suede at all day receptions are de rigueur. The refreshments are generally light, tea, coifee, choco- late, frozen punch, claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Fre- quently a cold collation is spread after the lighter refresh- ments have been served, and sometirtes the table is set with all the varieties, and renewed from time to time. No answers are expected to these invitations, unless R. S. V. P. is on one corner. One visiting card is left by each person who is present, to serve for the after call. No calls are expected from those who attend. Those who are not able to be present call soon after 192 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Frequently, cards are sent on the day and the after-call made in due season. A matinee musieale is held at the same hour, or if in the summer at watering-places, they are frequently earlier. These are the most difficult entertain- ments that are attempted. A lady who undertakes a series of them should be en- dowed with the virtues of a saint, or she should at least possess the three requisites of St. Paul, faith, hope and charity, for she will need them all. Her first step will be to secure those persons possessing sufficient vocal and instrumenta.1 talent, to insure the success of the entertain- ment. Her next, to arrange with them a programme, as- signing to each, in order, his or her part. It is customary to commence with a piece of instrumental music, followed by solos, duos, quartettes, etc., with instrumental music interspersed, in not too great proportion. Some competent person is needed as an accompanist. The invitations may be from three to six o'clock; the intention of the hostess being to allow her guests an hour to assemble ; the music to commence precisely at four o'clock. The piano wheeled into the best position, and all in readiness, the hostess descends punctually at three o'clock, and takes sole charge of her drawing-room. Half- past three, no one has yet arrived. Soon after, a few drop in, and at four o'clock, though the drawing-room presents an animated appearance, only two of the performers besides the accompanist have appeared. Here faith and hope are both called in, and patience also, to assist the hostess to conceal all nervousness or anxiety. She overhears Mrs. Grundy saying to Mrs. Gossyp, " I thought we were going to have some music; we dine at six, and I shall soon have to leave." " Very badly arranged," is Mrs. Gossyp's an- swer. At this critical moment the prima donna makes her appearance, and the hostess decides that she will wait no KECBPTIONS. 193 longer for the dilatory ones, although by commencing im- mediately she is compelled to make changes in the pro- gramme. Will Miss Thumpwell oblige by playing out of her turn? No, Miss Thumpwell will not, she is far too timid to lead off, although a virgin of thirty summers. Will Mr. Tunewell play that charming morceau that is later in the programme? Mr. Tunewell suddenly dis- covers that he has left his music at home, and hastens away to procure it. The hostess tries to be charitable, but she is nevertheless seized with the conviction that the music is up in the dressing-room. Still, she keeps a smil- ing face and a calm demeanor, although inwardly her in- dignation is at boiling heat. Would Mrs. Chanteur be so very kind as to sing something — any little ballad, no matter how simple, just to make a commencement ? Mrs. Chanteur looks up with surprise and reproach in her beau- tiful eyes. " I sing first ? Do you not always lead off with instrumental music?" Mrs. Grundy whispers across to Mrs Gossyp, " Yes, you were right ; very badly ar- ranged ; a perfect failure. Come and tell me about it to- morrow. I have to leave now." At this juncture the prima donna, who is from another city, addresses the host- ess : " I dare say something has gone wrong. If you would like to have me, I do not in the least object to sing- ing first." Now the long agony is ended, and the prijna donna sings like an angel. Mrs.-Grundy, who has reached the door, returns, and is so enchanted with the marvellous voice that she forgets her dinner. All ends so well that no one remembers the attendant disagreeabilities, excepting the hostess, who resolves that she will try in future to con- tribute her share toward the pleasure and amusement of others in some way which will not subject her to so much annoyance. It is the duty of the hostess to maintain silence among 13 194: SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. her guests during the performance of instrumental music, as well as of vocal. If any are unaware of the breach of' good manners that they commit in talking or whispering at such times, she should, by a gesture, endeavor to acquaint them with the fact. Where this rule is disregarded^ the hostess need not be surprised if the music should come to a full stop ; and she may feel quite sure if it does not, that it is only out of regard to her feelings as a hostess. It is the duty of the host to see that the ladies who sing are accompanied to the instrument, that the leaves of the music are turned for them, and that they are conducted back to their seats again. When not intimately acquainted with them, the hostess herself should join in expressing gratifi- cation. Though it is the province of the hostess to desig- nate in turn each one who sings, it is a mark of appreci- ation when others ask the singer for a second song, and there is no hostess who will not appreciate all attentions paid to those who are contributing to tiie pleasure of her guests. When the programme has not been previously arranged, and the matinSe or soirSe is more informal, care must be taken that all the performers receive equal attention. It is always painful to see the jealousy that too often exists among the gifted in song. They should remember that true artists neyer fail to show a generous appreciation of each other's talents, and not criticize and search for defects where they can find anything to praise. When a lady who sings well is invited for the first time to a house, discretion must be observed in asking her to sing. There are some women who are never so happy as when ministering to the pleasure of those around them j there are others who would feel that they were being made use of, in a way they would rebel against, if they were PARTIES. 195 asked to contribute to the general enjoyment when they had come out for their own amusement. It is often said that people who entertain receive no thanks. On the contrary there are no persons more appre- ciated in society than are those who contribute to its amuse- ment; but they must understand the art of making their entertainments attractive. The better they succeed, the more must they expect to be abused by all whom they do not invite, who are in the habit of indulging in abuse of those they feel to be their superiors in worth or position. It is this class of people who are the most anxious to have it thought that hospitality is a virtue whicii is not appre- ciated, and that those who are entertained abuse their en- tertainers ; but let no one be deterred from doing his or her share towards contributing to the pleasure of the young by any fears of meeting with such a return. No persona escape ill-natured comment of their actions, and they who witness the happiness they confer upon the young by con- tributing to their amusement can well afford to bear the abuse of the envious ; while he who hoards his money with a miser's care, receives no compensation for that censure of his niggardliness which he merits. Thackeray, in enumerating the various forms of snob- bery which are found in society, ends as follows : " Osten- tation is snobbish. Too great profusion is snobbish. There are people who are more snobbish than all these whose defects are above mentioned, viz., those individuals who can, and don't entertain at all." In cities where certain rules of traditionary etiquette are not observed, to the extent that five or six persons in one family accept invitations for the same entertainment, it becomes necessary for the hostess to send her invitations only to those members of the family whom she wishes to see, reserving the others for another occasion. 196 SENSIBIiK ETIQUETTE. In one instance, where a lady inviting, urged a fourth member of a family, who was an especial favorite of hers, to come to a German she was going to give, the young lady answered : " It is not possible for me to expose myself again to the annoyance that I experienced last week, in finding my brothers, my sister and myself all seated in a row, as we were at Mrs. Blank's dance, when the cotillion opened ; and you know that more than three in one family ought never to accept an invitation." In the same city, a lady was asked how she dared invite some members of a family, leaving out others. The ques- tion never would have been asked had the lady asking it understood the relations that existed between the enter- tainers and the entertained, as generally understood. A lady in making out her list is not obliged to ask any one to whom she is not indebted for hospitalities or courtesies, of one sort or another. They are the first whom she enters upon her list, and they are the only ones who have any claim upon her for invitations. Should she neglect such, they would have a right to feel " cut," but no others should feel so. All, beyond those to whom the hostess is indebted, are asked, for reasons which alone concern herself or family, and to feel annoyed at being left out, after you have once been invited, is about as reasonable as to feel aflfronted with the friend who does not offer the use of her horses and carriages to those of her friends who have not any, whenever they would like to have them. She may take one friend one day, another friend on another day ; and most certainly she is the one to say which friend, as well as which day, she will take. Quite another thing is it, when one inviting leaves out those to whom she is indebted for recent attentions, asking her friends generally, or even asking only a few out of the same circles. To suppose an imaginary incident : should a lady give an entertainment PARTIES. 197 of peculiar elegance, selecting out of a large circle not more than twenty or twenty-five persons, and should four out of that number come from one family, and the same family immediately after give an entertainment of a much less elegant and exclusive nature, omitting to invite even so much as one member of the family first inviting, while all whom they did invite were the companions of the young persons excluded, in such a case the family so treated would have reason to wonder at the want of the first principles of kind feeling and courtesy betrayed. Still even then, the remissness should be passed over with- out any further notice than self-respect would demand. The persons so neglected should fulfil all the amenities of social life as far as possible, should exchange calls as usual, and speak with civility when meeting, but no further in- vitations should be extended until so marked a slight had been atoned for by a courtesy of some kind. This illus- tration also exemplifies one of those cases where Christian forbearance would be misunderstood. In London it is a common thing for would-be grand dames, occupying for the season the houses of noblemen, to send out ball invitations to long lists of persons whom they do not know, and to whom their names are unknown. Such a thing is never heard of in the United States. The invitations, if sent, would not be accepted by people mov- ing in our best society ; but in London it is constantly done. In our cities, it is the oldest resident who makes the first advance in exclusive circles, unless circumstances make it the province of the latest comer to take the ini- tiative. Exceptions to' this general rule are made when invitations are given to meet a common friend visiting the newest comer; when invitations are asked for older resi- dents, who have expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of the lady inviting ; and when many friends in commoa 198 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. make it agreeable to the new-comer to include those who, no longer entertaining themselveSj have expressed a feeling of delicacy in reference to making the first call upon those "who do entertain. One need never be afraid of civilities being misunder- stood by ladies and gentlemen, and any lady, moving in the same class of; circles with another whom she may wish to invite to her house, should not be prevented by fear of being misunderstood, or of encountering rudeness, from bestowing her attentions where she wishes to bestow them,= even although age or priority of residence has not con- ferred upon her the privilege of doing so. An invitation or an attention of any description gives evidence of that kind feeling which persons of gentle breeding appreciate too well to misunderstand. It may be declined, and pos- sibly the reason not given at length ; but no mistake can be made by the noble-hearted in the genuineness of the kind feeling that prompts the attention ; and to doubt that it is so, is to throw discredit upon some of the best im- pulses of human nature, and to discourage that hospitality which Scripture enjoins. It is true that it requires a cer- tain amount of moral development to comprehend mag- nanimity and not to look behind it for selfish motives, as mean natures always do. Those who misinterpret acts of kindness should not forget that they give evidence of a want of nobleness of nature in so doing. Very often it is the dormant evil in our own hearts which we are most ready to suspect in others. To return to musical parties given in the daytime. The (Jress is the same as at a reception, only that bonnets are more generally dispensed with. Those who have taken part often remain for a hot supper. It is well known that no exercise develops hunger more than that of singing. The exhaustion produced by the prolonged action of the vocal PARTIES. 199 organs requires nourishing food, and even stimulants. Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at water- ing-places, ai-e of a less formal character than in cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music or some amusement is essential to the success of such parties. Ladies wear various materials, black velvet skirts with embroidered batiste polonaises, bunting costumes, jaunty hats or pretty fanciful bonnets, and carry parasols. 'Gentle- men wear summer morning dress, as in making calls. (See Chap. II.) The collation is often served in tents, and those assembled stroll over the grounds, or sit on the piazzas when the weather is fine, instead of remaining within doors. For yachting parties, young ladies wear either flannel suits of navy blue, or white, plainly but prettily trimmed with woollen braid, jaunty sailor hats, gariis de Suede, and I thick boots. A large parasol is necessary for comfort. A ! black silk suit is the next desirable costume to one of j i flannel. Warm shawls should be provided, no matter how I oppressive the day. The wind is as changeable as the fair women who trust to it, and a yacht may put out to sea in a calm to return in a gale. I Croquet, lawn-tennis and archery costumes are made to suit the taste of the wearer ; and parties of this description are of the most informal nature. It is necessary that strangers should be introduced, and the hostess should never neglect this duty. If she does not want to take such a responsibility, she should ask only those who are acquainted. Evening parties, balls and dinners are of a much more formal character than the entertainments which have been mentioned. They require evening dress ; although for a dinner a lady's dress should be less elegant than for a ball, 200 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and she should wear less jewelry. French women often wear high corsage, with short sleeves. English women, who once never failed, even at family dinners, to appear decolleU (some of them distressingly so), now often wear gowns that are high, or cut square in the neck. Ameri- cans follow their own inclination, sometimes adopting one custom, sometimes another ; but of late years evening dress is almost as much worn at grand dinners as at balls, only the material is not of so diaphanous a character. Lace and muslin dresses are out of place. Invitations are sent from ten days to two weeks pre- viously, and should be answered immediately, as has been already stated. The requisites for a successful bail are good music and plenty of dancing men. " The advantage of the ball," says an English writer, " is that it brings young people together for a sensible and innocent recreation, and takes them away from silly if not bad ones ; that it gives them exercise, and that the general effect of the beauty, elegance, and brilliance of a ball is tq elevate rather than to deprave the mind." An American journalist has recently handled the subject in a very differ- ent manner; and although the saying "evil to him who evil thinks" still holds good, there is much in his article to draw the attention of parents to the possible effect of the "round dance" upon their sons, if not upon their daugh- ters. At least, let us not be the only nation that confines their ball-room dancing to waltzes, as is done in some of our cities. There should be, as formerly, an equal number of waltzes and quadrilles, which would give an opportunity for those who object (or. whose parents object) to round dances, to appear on the floor. Four musicians are enough for " a dance." (The present form of speaking of a ball in London is as "a dance.") The horn is not suitable when the dancing-room is small; the BALLS. 201 flageolet is less noisy, and marks the time equally as well. The piano and violin form the mainstay of the band ; but, of course, when the rooms are large enough, a larger band may be employed. The dances should be arranged before- hand, and for large balls, cards are printed with a list of the dances. Abroad, every ball opens with a waltz, fol- lowed by a quadrille, and these are succeeded by galops, lancers, quadrilles, and waltzes in turn. The custom has gone by of the hast and hostess receiving together; but it is the duty of the host to remain within sight until after the arrivals are principally over, that he may be easily found by any one seeking him.. The same daty devolves upon the sons, who for that evening must give up their little flirtations, and share their attentions with all. Nothing looks more underbred than to see a young man under his parents' roof devoting himself during an entire evening- to one lady, or sharing his attentions with only two or three. The daughters, as well as the sons, will look after partners for the young ladies who desire to dance, and they will try to see that no one is neglected before they join the dancers themselves. Gentlemen who are introduced to ladies at a ball,' solely for the purpose of dancing, wait for their recognition before speaking with them upon meeting afterwards, but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing, as well-bred foreigners do upon entering a railway carriage where ladies are seated, who are entire strangers to them. In England, a ball-room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until they have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after being intro- duced to a young lady to dance with, ask her for more than two dances the same evening. On the. Continent it is the same. Mamma would interfere there, and ask his inten- tions if he did so. 202 SENSIBLE EIIQUETTB. At the end of every dance, gentlemen offer their right arm to their partners, and at least take one turn around the room before consigning them to their chaperons. A young man who can dance, and will: not dance, ought to stay away from a ball. Who has not encountered that especial type of an illbred man, who lounges around door- ways or strolls through a suite of rooms, looking as if there were not a creature present worth dancing with ? The lady with whom a gentleman dances last is the one whom he takes out to supper. Therefore, he can make no engagements to take out any other, unless his partner is already engaged. Balls are meant for dancing, not eating; and a man should limit himself to two glasses of cham- pagne, a lady to one, says " The Man in the Club Window," in his excellent book on the habits of good society, adding: "Be careful of what you do, and what you say, and how ■ you dance after supper, even more so than before it ; " for ladies are apt to attribute any license of speech or acts to a partiality for strong fluids, and a hostess never forgets when her hospitality has been abused in this way. It would be hard upon the lady of the house if every- body leaving a large ball thought it necessary to wish her good-night. In leaving a small dance, however, a parting bow is civil. Flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners ; still, it may be said that ball-room flirtation, being more open, is less dangerous than any other. No man of caution ever made an offer after supper; or if he did, he surely regretted it at breakfast the next morn- ing. Under such a circumstance he should summon moral courage to his aid, and go at once to undo what he had been led into doing when he was not sufficiently himself to realize the vast importance of the step he was taking. Public balls are not enjoyable unless you have your own BALLS. 203 party. The great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony; all altercations, loud talking and noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered in a ball-room. Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company. After a ball hasten to pay your respects to the lady who has entertained you. If this is not possible, send your card or leave it at her door. It is now quite customary for a lady who gives a ball, and who has no reception day weekly, to inclose her card in each invitation for one or more receptions, or a kettle-drum, in order that the after- calls due her may be made on that day. It is unnecessary to add that no cards can be left by those who are not present under such circumstances. In America, more license is used in reference to the time in which an after-call is due, extending in many circles even to two weeks j but the call loses its significance en- tirely, and passes into remissness, when a longer time is permitted to elapse. The question has been asked. What constitutes the dif- ference between an evening party and a ball? At an evening party there may be dancing* or there may not be. At a ball there must be dancing. A book treating upon the habits of good society in London defines a ball to be "an assemblage for dancing of not less than seventy-five persons;" to which definition should be added, where the preparations have been made upon that scale of elegance which good music, embellishments of flowers, and a supper combined, cannot fail to secure, when the invited guests do their part towards the enterrainment. There may be some persons who will be astonished to learn that any duties devolve upon the guests. In fact, there are circles where all such duties are ignored. It is the duty of every person who has accepted the invitation to send a regret, even if at the last moment, when prevented from going; and as it ia 204: SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. rude to send an acceptance, with no intention of going, those who so accept would do well to remember this duty. It is the duty of every lady who attends a ball to make her toilette as fresh as possible. It need not be expensive, but it should at least be clean ; it may be simple, but it «hould not be either soiled or tumbled. The gentlemen should, of course, wear evening dress. Another duty is to arrive as soon as possible after the hour named, when it is men- tioned in the invitation. No one who has witnessed the additional zest of enjoyment that is secured (in those countries where it is considered a rudeness to come much later than the hour named) by the prompt and almost simultaneous arrival of the guests, can refrain from wishing that so sensible a custom might be adopted in our own country. The hostess who attempts, in our cities, a refor- mation in the hours of arriving, is sometimes compelled to renounce it, finding that it adds to her fatigue instead of lessening it, from a want of punctuality in the arrival of the majority of the guests. Of late, there has been a decided improvement in some circles of our best society. In many places on the continent in Europe, they assem- ble at nine o'clock, and disperse at one o'clock. The ball is unusually late when the dancing is kept up until two o'clock. At balls given in royal palaces the hours of assembling are still earlier. A titled lady of distinction arrived late at a ball in Vienna (during the Exposition) that was given by a brother of the Emperor of Austria. The Archduke Charles sent Count to remind her of the breach of court etiquette that she had committed. She glanced at him rather haughtily, and answered coolly, "My arriving late does not prevent me from listening to any kind words that Her Majesty the Empress may have to say to me when she addresses me." But Her Majesty did not choose BALLS. 205 to approach her; and when supper was served, as she was about passing into the room wiiere the royal party assem- bled, she was informed that no place had been reserved for her. Incensed, she took her departure, but probably when she is next summoned to a royal ball she will arrive at the appointed hour. In England many arrive late at balls, for the reason that so much is going on each evening during the season. From dinners they go to the opera, and from the opera frequently to several balls. The late hours observed there are not so wearing upon their young men as upon ours, for the ball-goers of society in England are not, as a rule, business men. The ball-goer's mornings are his own, to sleep as late as he pleases, and to take his breakfast as leisurely as he likes. We are said to be given as a nation to copying the Eng- lish. Then why can we not copy their sensible customs, as well as to imitate them in customs that are not suited to our mode of life? An American gentleman of the old school, who, travel- ling in Europe, received a dinner invitation from Lord Loftus, sent by post, felt inclined to resent such a liberty; but was appeased upon learning that it was the custom. The mail is delivered hourly in London. While not advocating the sending of dinner invitations, or the answers to them by post, on account of the delay created here by so doing, the desirability of sending the answers to all other invitations by post is evident, where the invi- tation is sent out sufficiently long in advance. It is quite time that a better understanding should be arrived at con- cerning the requirements of true politeness than is shown by those who maintain that it is not the correct thing to answer invitations by post. Even those who cling to the established customs of the past, made for a period when 206 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. society was not so large, nor entertainments so frequent as now, must see how inconvenient it often is for those who entertain to receive the answers to invitations separately, each one requiring that a servant shall leave his work to wait upon the note-bearer, when, if the postman delivers them upon his rounds, they arrive with the letters, and make no increase of labor for servants. There is not the same objection to delivering invitations by private messengers that there is to sending the replies to those invitations in the same way ; then why can it not be understood that those who prefer to send their invita- tions by servants are willing to receive their answers by post, as well as those who send them by post ? Let those who give entertainments recall the constant ringing of the door-bell with answers, from the time that the invitations were issued, up to the arrival of the guests, and they, we are sure, will be willing to move in the reform, if they possess that independence of character which is necessary to the carrying out of any such reforma- tion. The following letter, which has been going the rounds of the papers, must not discourage any oC those who have already adopted the sensible English custom of answering invitations by post: My attention was a while ago attracted to an article in the Home Journal, headed " Society in Patagonia." The writer asserted that Patagonia is the most provincial city in the world of its size ; more so than any other city of half its size even. I felt disposed to deny this statement then, as it seemed to cast an undeserved reflection of igno- rance and narrow-mindedness upon the fair and beloved city of my birth ; but now, after returning to it after a prolonged absence, I find it worthy of its reputation for provincial ways, and provincial forms of thought, and for BALLS. 207 everything that is provincial in the extreme. Here must have dwelt that worthy Dutchman who, upon being re- monstrated with by a neighbor for carrying his flour from the mill iu one end of his sack, and a bushel of stones in the other end, to keep the balance tr\ie, answered : *" This way is goot enough for me ; mine fader did carry his flour this way, and mine grandfader pefore him ; and I will do as mine fader and mine grandfader did do." Shortly after my return I received an invitation to a party or ball that was given in honor of two charming brides who had just returned from their bridal tours, and upon the card of invitation I noticed, " Please answer by post." How sensible ! was my first thought. This secures a prompt answer, lightens the labor of mine host's (that is to be) servants, enables me to drop my reply in the post on my way to the club, and suits all concerned admirably. But alas ! upon my arrival at the club in question, I found an unusual degree of animation prevailing— a sort of debating society, in fact, over the very point that T had so hastily decided in my mind as one that would suit every one. " I am not going to be dictated to as to the way and the time that my answer is sent. I shall send it as I please, and when I please ; I'll have them to know that," said one. " What kind of hospitality is that," asked another, "which limits a man's stay from ten to one o'clock? Zounds ! if I am to be sent oif when the clock strikes one, as a child is sent to bed, I'll stay at home." " I don't keep two-penny stamps in my pocket, like a drygoods clerk," said another, " and I do keep a valet. By Jove ! I'll tell you what I'll do; I'll put a stamp on and send it by Jeames, and madam will never know but that the postman left it." Here a loud and unanimous guffaw gave evidence of the approbation with which this proposal was received. No, not entirely unanimous, for there was 208 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. one man other than myself who did not participate in the laugh. He looked gravely up over his glasses, and said : " What is the use of placarding yourself as a boor ? If a lady throws open her house for guests, she has a perfect right to make the request which this lady has made ; and not one of those whom she thus invites is justifiable in showing her the rudeness that it would be to send her an answer in any other way than she requests. I have nothing to say as to whether it is good form to ask for answers by post — I do not know much about such mat- ters ; but I do know that in London society, men and women know the advantage of sending answers in that way so well that they don't wait to be asked." Jearaes's master, who had never been abroad, but who affected English style in everything, opened his eyes to their full- est extent. " 'Pon my word ! you don't mean to say that the aristocracy send their replies to invitations by post?" "'Pon my word, I do mean to say so," was the answer. "What do they keep their men-servants for ?" was the next query. " They keep them for use, and to have them about when they want them.; not to be running from one end of London to another with answers to the myriad invitations they get in the season. Well- bred people in London are marvellously- like wellbred people everywhere ; and one of the first requirements of really good society is that all invitations requiring answers shall be promptly answered. In my opinion, they should be answered as soon as they are received. Three days grace are given by some persons, I am told, for all but dinner invitations ; but what would you think of a man who, when you said to him, ' Will you go down to my box with me next week for a day's shooting ?' should take three days to think about it, making no answer, and then meeting you, should say, ' I will go down to your box for BALLS. 209 a day's shooting next week.' Would you think him as wellbred a man as the one who answered you on the moment, ' Thank you, I will go down with you with the greatest pleasure?' On the contrary, would you not think him decidedly uncivil?" "The cases are not at all parallel. No one answers a ball invitation as soon as it is received." was the answer. " I beg your pardon. Every man who lives in a whirl of engagements is obliged to answer his invitations at once. It is only those who now and then get a straggling invitation who can take the risk of not answering promptly. They can remember whether or not they have answered them, and are in no danger of forgetting. Business men, too, are generally very prompt in replying, and all men ought to be." Here Jeames's master drawled out: "'The Queen' says if there is no R. S. Y. P. on an 'at home' invitation, and you intend to go, you need not send any answer." " The Queen be something," answered the old gentleman with the glasses. "We've got no Queen, God be praised; ask your mother, and she will tell you, as I have already told you, that wellbred people don't need R. S. V. P.'s to remind them of their duty. What Queen are you talking about ?" The old gentleman was pacified when he found " The Queen " was a London serial that indorsed his own views. Here the first speaker growled, " I don't care what 'The Queen' says or what any one else says. I don't go by rules, and I shall answer my invitations as I please and when I please ; and I go nowhere where I can't stay as long as I please. If people wish to entertain, let them entertain as every one else does — as our forefathers did, who made their guests welcome to stay as long as they liked, and who would no more have dreamed of sending an answer by the postman than by the milkman." In other words, thought I, " Mine fader's way is goot 14 210 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. enough for me. I will carry the bushel of stones on one side, and the flour on the other, pecause mine fader did, and my grandfader pefore him." This is not a bad illustration of the sort of opposition that those who move in social reforms must expect to en- counter. There are always bigoted and opinionated Dutch- men to be found in all communities. Not even New York can boast that she is free from provincialism in all her cir- cles, and Boston, who would like to hold the sun of prog- ress for the illumination of the world^ shows herself in eclipse very often by the attitude which she takes upon subjects of vital import. Let Americans copy the English in their sensible use of postal facilities, and avoid the late hours which are anything but sensible for a nation of busi^ ness men. It will never be fashionable in America to arrive early at parties, as long as fashionable people, and people who aspire to be fashionable, imagine that it adds to their importance to arrive late. But if a few women of influ- ence in our principal cities, whose affection for their chil- dren causes them to hold the welfare of the rising gener- ation very near their hearts, would choose the early hours that would suit their own convenience, and the health of our men, whose mornings are devoted to business, and give invitations for those hours — say from nine to one o'clock — ordering the music to stop precisely at one, something more might be effected in the way of a reformation than has yet been accomplished. Failing to do so, they might, by ceas- ing to give parties for a time, secure greater punctuality in the future. Another duty of the guests is that each one should do all in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment of the evening. Some, gentlemen would not hesitate to refuse BALLS. 211 a hostess that asked to introduce him to a lady, who was either a stranger in the city, or who happened to be seated alone. And something in excuse for such a rudeness must be said, for the reason that our young men have the false idea that it is rude to leave a young lady to whom they are talking until some other person has joined her, and quite naturally they hesitate to expose themselves to the risk of being quartered upon an uncompanionable person for the entire evening. It is difficult to discover where and how such an idea had its origin. It is not binding upon any young man to remain one moment longer than he desires with any lady. By constantly moving about from one to another, when he feels so inclined, he gives opportunities to others to circu- late as freely ; and this custom, if introduced in our society, would go a long way toward contributing to the enjoyment of all. Let those who think it incumbent upon them to stand by the side of a woman, like a sentinel on duty, until relieved, look on in a European salon, and watch the men as they come and go ; a few minutes here, a few min- utes there, never hesitating to leave a lady with some com- panion of her own sex, whenever they desire. The sooner that this idea is exploded, the better for society, for what can be more uncomfortable than for a young lady to feel that the man who is talking to her is hoping that some one will come to his rescue, while possibly, there are gentlemen whom she would prefer, and who would in turn gladly give a few passing moments could they but know that they would be free to leave at. any instant that conversation flagged, or that they desired to join another. It is, indeed, strange that such false ideas of politeness should prevail, as to cause a man to show a real rudeness to his hostess, in order that he might avoid a fancied one to one of her guests. As long as it is so, so long must 2l2 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. those who entertain, find an excuse for such breaches of good manners. But every hostess who feels her responsi- bility, and who desires that all her guests should leave her house feeling repaid for the trouble and expense which they have incurred in accepting her invitation, should appreciate this sensible foreign custom, and try and do her part in introducing it among our young men. A writer, in the " Home Journal," of an article entitled "Sensible Etiquette," touching on this subject, says : " One more example as to the folly of adopting rules that were made for quite anotiier form of society, is found in the pre- vailing idea that it is rude foi; a gentleman to leave a lady at a party or ball or reception, with whom he is convers- ing, until some one comes up to relieve him. It would be interesting to know how this idea had its origin — an idea so conducive to the destruction of all pleasure in so- ciety, for, when a man has once found liimself 'cornered' (the favorite expression used by men under such circum- stances) for an hour or an evening with a girl or a woman who is not sympathetique or congenial, he is not going to run any unnecessary risks of a similar experience, and thereafter he often avoids many to whom he would like to talk for a few moments. In a society where it is not con- sidered, a rudeness to leave after a few sentences with one, to exchange some words with another, there is a constant interchange of civilities ; and the men, being no longer in fear of this dreaded possibility, circulate through the room, going about with that charming freedom which insures the enjoyment of all. One cannot help wishing, after having marked the benefits of such freedom, that our men would introduce the custom here, and yet, the men would be pow- erless to do it without the co-operation of the women." "The Young Lady's Friend" suggests the mode by which young girls may do their part in such a reform, BALLS. 213 The abthor says : " Inexperienced young girls keep a gen- tleman talking to them longer than he wishes, because they do not give him an opportunity to leave. They are perhaps standing apart from the rest of the company, and he cannot leave her without her remaining quite alone. If conver- sation drags, and you suspect that your companion wishes to leave you, facilitate his departure by changing your position, or speaking to some lady near you, or by asking him to take you to some friend or chaperon."* A gentle- man possessing savoir /aire would instantly regard the re- quest, unless he preferred remaining. Most ladies who entertain give both dancing and talking parties, and as we have not the large suites of apartments that they often have in Europe, those who wish to avoid a crush must limit the number of their guests At a ball in a European city, given by the owner of a palace, who had thrown open nine rooms on one floor for the accommodation of less than two hundred guests, an Englishman remarked that with such grand rooms in Lon- don, five hundred people at least would have been invited. A lady standing by added, " Yes, and five hundred more to pack the staircases." The remarks were called forth by the host having said that his wife and himself were always so much afraid of having a crowd, that they had upon this occasion invited too few, not having made allow- ance for so large a proportion of those who had accepted, being kept away by illness, or the death of relations ; add- ing that he had received thirty such regrets upon the last day, from persons who had previously accepted. * The following requisite for a, chaperon is from Muller : " On donne le nom de chaperon 3. la dame qui, pour les reunions du monde, se fait comme la proteetrise morale d'une jeune fllle. Cette dame est g^n&alement jeune encore, et doit jouir d'une reputation irreproach- able; s'il en etait autrement, le r61e pris par elle serai t vraiment dSrisoire." 214: SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. At the same time, the custom of removing the fiirhiture from American drawing-rooms when large balls are giveii, was commented upon. " Why, where do the dowagers sit ?" " Dowagers are not invited," was the answer. " Are young ladies in America permitted to go to balls without chaperons?" asked a matron. An American lady endeav- ored to explain that in some circles they were, but in others it was always considered necessary to provide a chaperon when the mother was not able to accompany her daughter; and that owing to the fact that our rooms are not so nu- merous nor so large as in European palaces, the custom had of late years been adopted in some cities of consigning la- dies to the care of young married women who danced, in order that the room assigned for dancing- might only be occupied by dancers; and this custom was advocated on the ground that, if the dowagers ftlled the-seats in a ball-room, no places were left for those who danced the cotillion to sit down to rest. Significant glances were exchanged between the matrons, but the American lady maintained her ground, and inwardly congratulated herself ou the humanity of her countrywomen, as her eyes rested upon the numerous cou- ples standing through the cotillion ; the young girls every now and then looking wistfully back to the seats that they were debarred from taking, because of the presence of these same dowagers. One of the matrons present narrated a story of Washington society that had come under her own notice, which had a tendency to destroy the complacency of the American lady, A gentleman whom she knew, the Marquis de — ^, went to America to pass a few months in travelling, and while in Washington delivered a letter of introduction to one of the most prominent ladies in society there. The lady, after introducing her three daughters to him, said : " There is to be a large ball this evening at Mr. E 's. If you would like to go I will procure an invi- BALLS. 215 tation for you, and one of my daughters will accompany you." The gentleman expressed his thanks and accepted. The lady then asked him to choose which daughter he would prefer, and he made his choice. As he was on the eve of leaving, the young lady designated the hour, saying, " You will come with the carriage, and the bouquet, punc- tually." This was the.first intimation that he had received concerning the bouquet. Again he assented, and took his departure. He went; to the ball, received various intro- ductions, had a charming time, and returned home with his fair charge between two and three o'clock in the morn- ing. Upon arriving, he was invited by the young lady to enter the house with her and get a cup of tea. Accepting the proffered hospitality, he went in, expecting to find mamma ready to receive them, but she did not make her appearance; and after an hour's pleasant chat he took his departure. The lady who told the story, added, "I asked the Marquis how the mother could have placed so much confidence in him, when he was both a foreigner and a stranger." He replied, " She knew perfectly well that her daughter was able to take care of herself, as all American girls seem to be ; and if I had been such a scoundrel as to abuse her confidence, I would have known that a father or brother would have put a bullet through my brains." There are many American mothers to whom such a story will seem an impossibility, but unfortunately it is from American families of this description that foreigners get their ideas of us as a people. After this long digression, it is time to return to the duties of a hostess, which are far from ended when she has received her guests; although many in these days ignore their duties from first to last. The first duty of a hostess, after having seen that her rooms are well ventilated, well lighted, and made sure that the cloak rooms for the ladies and gentlemen are in proper 216 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. , order, and supplied with all their usual requisites, is to re- ceive her guests cordially and gracefully. In a description given by a newspaper reporter, of a private ball, it was stated that the lady " received her guests majestically." Empresses and queens receive graciously those who are pre- sented to them, and among their subjects those of the high- est rank receive their guests with that courtesy which a truly wellbred woman never fails to show to all her guests. If comparative strangers have accepted an invitation, the hostess should endeavor to make them feel that they are not strangers. New acquaintances should be welcomed with as pleasant greetings as old friends. It should be her object to make every one so happy that no one will wish that he had remained at home. It'may be suggested that the instincts of a lady would teach her this duty without any instructions from books, but some women have a cold or haughty air, which, though assumed at first to conceal their mauvais honte, becomes so habitual with them that they are not even cognizant of it themselves. While the hostess is receiving, no person should remain beside her, excepting the members of her family who re- ceive with her, or such friends as she has designated to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to make room for others ; those who wish to show her any atten- tion seeking her later, when she is disengaged. It is too much to expect that a hostess will be able to sustain conversation with you, and have a few words for each entering guest, and it is very disagreeable for those who are entering to have to walk around trains, or to stand waiting for ladies to "move on." It often happens that there are more' ladies to dance than gentlemen, and that those who are present, instead of coming forward to the relief of the hostess, assemble around the doors and look on, or retire into some little BALLS. 217 reception-room, bay-window, or corner, there to carry on one of those flirtations which are the banc of society. Others are so thoughtful as to say to the hostess, " Make any use of me that you can. I shall be only too happy to be of service to you." Such offers should never be abused ; nor should a hostess who has introduced a gentleman to a lady who does not dance fail to relieve him in ten or fifteen minutes, if she finds that he feels obliged to remain until another gentleman takes his place. Introductions take place in a ball-room in order to provide ladies with partners, or between persons residing in different cities. In all other cases, permission is gener- ally asked before giving introductions. But where a hostess is sufficiently discriminating in the selection of her guests, not attempting to fuse circles which are entirely distinct and as incapable of assimilation as oil and water, those assembled under her roof should remember that they are, in a certain sense, made known to one another, and ought, therefore, to be able to converse freely without introduc- tions. Ladies in American cities have much more license than in European society, nor is this license often abused. They are at liberty to walk about with their partners after adance ; while there, they must return to the care of their chaperons, or retire to the room appropriated for their use in the pauses of the cotillion. When supper is announced, the host leads the way with the lady to whom he wishes to show that attention, who may be an elderly lady, or a stranger, or a bride. The hostess remains until the last, with the gentleman who takes her to supper, unless some distinguished guest is present with whom she leads the way. No gentleman should ever go into the supper-room alone, unless he has seen every lady enter before him. ' When ladies are left unattended. 218 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. gentlemen, although strangers, are at liberty to offer their services in waiting upon them, for the host and hostess are sufficient guarantees for the respectability of their guests. In England an introduction given for dancing purposes does not constitute acquaintanceship. With us, as in Con- tinental Europe, it does; and here it may be as well to mention that it is for this reason that ladies are expected in England to bow first, while on the Continent it is the gentlemen who give the first marks of recognition, as it should be here; or better still, simultaneously, when the recognition is simultaneous. An English authority says : " It is the lady's place to bow first to a gentleman." Certainly it is in England, where men are frequently introduced at a ball simply for the purpose of giving her a partner for a dance; but elsewhere, all over Europe, it is the man who bows first. In America we can afford to dispense with any such rule, attended a-s it is with numberless inconveniences. It is as much the man's place to bow (with our mode of life) as it is the woman's ; more, far more, when the man has been the recipient of a courtesy, such as an invitation from her. The one who recognizes first should be the first to show that recognition ; and in the case of a hostess, it is surely far easier for her guests to remember her face than it would be for her to remember the unfamiliar faces of a score or two of young men. We are heartily tired of the nonsense of those who shape their course in a republic by the rules of life in a kingdom, instead of by that courtesy which kindness of heart enjoins. Common civility also re- quires that those who have not been present, but who were among the guests invited, should when meeting the hostess for the first time after an entertainment, make it a point to express some acknowledgment of their appreciation of the invitation, by regretting their inability to be present. BALLS. 219 Never hold a lady's hand, when dancing a round dance, behind you, or on your hip, or high in the air, moving her arm as if it were a pump-handle, as seen in some of our Western cities. Such customs are offensive to wellbred women. Nfever forget ball-room engagements. It is one of the marks of good breeding to remember them scrupulously, never confusing them, or promising two dances to one per- son. It is not necessary to bow to a lady at the end of the quadrille ; it is enough that the gentleman offers his right arm, and walks half way around the room with her. He is not obliged to remain beside her unless he wishes to do so. Abroad, he leaves her with her chaperon, and here, he commits no rudeness by leaving her with any lady whom she knows, old or young. Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room, or with those of any other color than white, unless they be of a most delicate hue. Some persons always provide themselves with a second pair, to be used in case of an accident. If a lady has forgotten an engage- ment to dance, the one she ias thus slighted must accept her apology. To quarrel or make a scene in society is an affront to every well-bred man and woman present, and makes one ridiculous. Good breeding and the appear- ance of good temper are inseparable. "Wreathed smiles," though deceitful, are preferable, in a ball-room at least, to honest frowns and coarse truths. Though not custom- ary for married persons to dance together in society, those men who wish to show their wives the compliment of such an unusual attention, if they possess any independence, will not be deterred from doing so by their fear of any comments from Mrs. Grundy. The sooner that we recover from the effects of the Puri- tanical idea that clergymen ought never to be seen at balls, the better for all who attend them. Where it is wrong for 220 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. a clergyman to go, it is wrong for any member of his church to be seen. In leaving a ball-room before the music has ceased, if no member of the family is in sight, it is not necessary to look for them before taking your departure. Englishmen, who go from one ball to another, as is done night after night in London, dispense with all ceremonies of leave-taking. This innovation upon old-school customs is looked upon with favor by hostesses, even at receptions, where the fa- tigue of leave-taking is sometimes as great as at ceremo- nious gatherings. When the invitation is a first one, however, endeavor not to make your exit until you have thanked your hostess for the entertainment. It is not necessary to say that "it has been a great success," but you can with pro- priety speak of the pleasure it has afforded you. A gen- tleman (wearing white ducks !) at a small dancing reception took leave of a -very beautiful young woman who was seated by her hostess, entirely ignoring the presence of the latter. It was commented upon by a bystander, when the hostess amiably replied : "It is not the first time that a man has been so bewildered by beauty as to forget his duty." To sum up, the requisites for an agreeable ball are, a wellbred hostess, good ventilation, good music, a good supper, guests who know their duties, and not too large a number of them. When there is a crush, like those in London ball-rooms, where only two or three rooms are thrown open, and the number invited is as disproportionate to the accommoda- tions as it would be to ask a dinner-party of twenty-four to seat themselves at a table that has scarcely places for twelve, then let no hostess complain if young men refuse to dance. Invitations to such balls are not hospitalities but inflictions. Those invited accept, beguiled by the pros- BALLS. 221 pect of enjoyment, but too often find they might as well look for pleasure in a torture-chamber. To require a man to undergo the martyrdom of a dance under such circum- stances, would be about as reasonable as to invite him into a hot " smithy " to work at an anvil on an August day for the amusement of seeing the sparks fly. A hostess is safe, however, in inviting one-fourth more than her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets are sure to be received. Sensible people will not, as a rule, ex- pect to be invited to a ball unless they dance, or act as chap- erons to those young ladies who do. Some one has said that after a certain age, it is not only laborious to dance, but even to look at dancing. Our young ladies are too inde- pendently brought up to be in actual need of a mother's presence in a ball-room, and few mothers would be able to accompany them always. It is for other reasons that the absence of dowagers from ball-rooms in late years is -to be regretted. Even in this age of license there are not many mothers in society who would permit a daughter to attend a ball not given in a private house, unguarded by the restrain- ing influence of her presence. A few suggestions may be added, to refresh the memories of those who are remiss in ball-room duties, although of such a nature that no one can plead ignorance of them. A gentleman should never attempt to step across a lady's train, he should walk around it. If. by any accident he should tread upon any portion of her dress, he should in- stantly say, " I beg pardon ;" and if, by greater careless- ness, he should tear it, he must pause in his course, and offer to take her to the dressing-room to have it mended. If a lady asks any favor, such as to send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take her in the ball-room when she is without an escort, to inquire whether her car- 222 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. riage is in waiting, or any of the numerous services which ladies often require, no gentleman need to be told that he ought not to refuse her request. A young man who had received frequent hospitalities from a middle-aged married woman, was asked, upon the occasion of a ball at the house of a common friend, to take her into the drawing-room. He replied : " Excuse me, I am not going in until some friends whom I am waiting for arrive." This same young man was afterwards heard to express astonishment that the lady never invited him when she entertained. Young men who cannot remember to per- form the little courtesies of life, which civility requires of them, cannot expect that ladies will trouble their memory in any way concerning them. Gentlemen and ladies should bow as soon as they catch the eye of an acquaintance, after having spoken with their hostess. When the recognition is simultaneous, the bow should also be. Those ladies and gentlemen who affect abstraction, not speaking at once when their eyes meet those of an acquaintance, mark themselves as underbred, in the eyes of men and women of the world who have been trained to their duties until the perforinance of them has become instinctive. Such conduct is an unbearable affecta- tion, and an index of ignorance or conceit. Society makes no allowance for absent-minded people ; they are sure to be classed with the snobbish and the underbred. And it should be so, for had every one the disagreeable habit of not speaking at first sight, no one would be able to re- member to whom he had spoken and to whom he had not. A really wellbred man will remember to ask the daughters of a house to dance, as it is imperative to do so; and if the ball has been given for a lady who dances, he should include her i-n his attentions. If he knows inti- n:;ately any of the young ladies present, they have a right BALLS. 223 to expect to be remembered, and if he has any ambition to be considered a thoroughbred gentleman, he will not forget to sacrifice himself occasionally to those who are unsought and neglected in the dance. The consciousness of having performed a kind and Christian action will repay him. Nothing marks an illbred man more than gorging at supper J and to take too much wine is a breach of good manners that is never forgotten against you, although it may be forgiven. Young ladies ought not to accept invitations for every dance. The fatigue is too wearing, and the heated faces that it induces too unbecoming. But they must be careful how they refuse to dance ; for unless a good reason is given, a man is apt to take it as an evidence of personal dislike. After refusing, the gentleman should not urge her to dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for the same dance. The members of the household are ex- pected to see that those of their guests who wish to dance are provided with partners. No dancing chaperons can accept for the cotillion until the young ladies under their charge have partnere. It would be an excellent custom for those who give balls to appoint either three or four gentlemen who do not dance as aids or stewards, or masters of ceremonies, to attend to the music and dancing, and to introduce and provide all who wish to dance with partners. In some European cities, all young men dancing the qoadrille invariably ask to be presented to their vis-a-vis before commencing it, if she is not already an acquaintance. This is certainly a very civil custom, but the lady should then have the same privilege, as in England, of being the first to recognize an acquaintance made in this man- ner; although in our country it is not to be supposed that a lady would object to continuing a bowing acquain- tance with any man whom she has met in the house of a 224 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. common friend, so long as his manner is civil and respect- ful. When balls are given, an awning should be provided for the protection of those passing from their carriages to the house, when the weather is bad. In all cases, a broad piece of carpet should be spread from the door to the car- riage steps. Ladies leaving should not allow gentlemen to see them to their carriages, unless overcoats and hats are on for departure. Where it is possible, a tea-room, separate from the supper-room, is thrown open at a ball, provided with tea, frozen coffee, claret or fish-house punch, sandwiches, plain cakes, and, later in the evening, bouillon and hot coffee. Where this is not possible, punch and cakes are served from a side table, at the end of a hall, and this is quite sufficient where the invited are in the habit of arriving two hours after they are asked. The supper-room is thrown open generally at twelve o'clock. The table is made as elegant as beautiful china, cut glass and an abundance of flowers can make it. In Europe the suppers are generally cold, and the dishes that are served vary with the customs of the people. In our cities, they are always hot, with a few cold dishes, such as boned turkey, boeuf ci la mode, chicken, and lobster salad, salmon mayonnaise and raw oysters. The hot dishes are oysters stewed, fried, broiled and scolloped ; chicken, sweet- bread and oyster croquettes, sweetbread and green peas, terrapins and game. It is much healthier when the ices are served during the evening, and not at the supper. When there is not a crush, ladies and gentlemen take their supper at the same time in most of our cities, as abroad; but when this is impossible, the gentlemen devote themselves entirely to waiting upon the ladies, and take their supper later; after which the supper-room is closed. Bouillon and ices are then sometimes served in the refresh- TOUNQ MEN UNDER TWENTY -ONE. 225 ment room, or passed during the cotillion, if the ball is a late one. It is not in good form to hand cigars at balls, nor to ask for anything that is not served with the supper. Invitations are often asked for balls, either for strangers in town or for young relations just going into society who have had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the lady entertaining. When such invitations are given, if to a young girl, one for the parents can be inclosed also, if the relations of the lady who entertains are such with the parents as to make the first advances toward a visiting acquaintance incum- bent upon her ; but if not, the invitation should be in- closed with that of the chaperon, who has intimated the wish to have it extended. When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the members of a family, their first duty, after speaking to their host and hostess, is to ask some common friend to introduce them to those members whom they do not know. It is too great a tax upon the host and hostess, occupied as they are in receiving, to demand the introduction from them, as is often done. Some men, it is said, accept invitations and avoid this duty. It would seem incredible were it not vouched for on good authority that they afterwards boasted of so doing. Such specimens of humanity remind one of Rudolf Harf- thal's answer to the Earl, in the play of "Dreams:" "You unmannerly ruffian ! you have the title of a nobleman, but not enough self-respect even to be a gentleman !" Such young men must have entered society before they were fitted for its duties, or had the misfortune not to have had good home training. The following incident took place within the memory of the present generation, in a city not far distant from New 15 •226 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. York, A young man who had been invited to a house, for the first time, neglected having himself presented to the host. At his departure, he was followed from the room by the host, who said, "Excuse me, I cannot allow you to leave my house without introducing myself to you, as you have not had yourself introduced to me. I am Mr. Blank Blank." The young man seemed delighted at this attention on the part of Mr. Blank, and was apparently as unconscious of having committed a gross incivility as if he had been ed- ucated in the latitude of the Black Hills. Such young men, together with those who set wine-glasses or plates on the base of costly marble statues, or who empty them under the table, who carry " eatables and drinkables" into draw- ing-rooms for the thoughtless, who throw themselves on satin and lace bed-covers, leaving the mark of blacking on the delicate spreads ; who use damask towels to wipe the mud from their "pumps," who smoke in bed-roomsj leaving piles of ashes on the marble of bureaus or wash- stands, are the ones to whom Herr Teufelsdrockh should have confined his comments. Society accepts the physiological view of the respective fitness of young women at the age of eighteen, and young men from the age of twenty-one to twenty-two, to enter its more ceremonious assemblages. Up to these ages, they are supposed to be occupied with studies which prepare thom for the enjoyment of life, as well as for usefulness, and for contributing to the enjoyment of others ; until then, their intercourse with the world is generally confined to their circles of relatives, school companions, college class-mates and other young persons near their own age. Now and then an exceptional case is found, in which a young girl is as mature at sixteen as another at eighteen ; a young man a& cultivated and companionable at nineteen as at twenty- INFLTJENGB OF SISTERS. 227 five, and such are always welcomed in society without re- gard to age. Parents are the best judges of the fitness of their children to enter general society before the age that custom sanctions — at least they know their own wishes in such matters ; and it is for them to decide liow long it is for their children's good to give that uninterrupted attention to study, which becomes impossible when once broken in upon by society claims. So far from agreeing with the German philosopher in the expression, of his views, given at the head of this chap- ter, in reference to young men being kept out of sight until they are twenty-one, we are of the opinion that not enough attention is given by parents and sisters to young sons and brothers at home, in the way of providing entertainment for them, as well as instruction, making their companions welcome, providing liberally for their pleasure, and throw- ing around them the refining influence of the society of young girls. Home should be made the happiest spot on earth for. all its inmates, and those mothers and sisters who fully ap- preciate their responsibilities will labor for this end. The important relations that sisters sustain to brothers cannot be fully appreciated without a greater knowledge of the world, and its temptations for young men, than girls in their teens are supposed to possess ; but sisters who study to please and amuse their brothers in their youth receive their reward, not only upon the hold thus gained upon their brothers' affection and confidences, but in the sisterly influence acquired over them in controlling intimacies, and sometimes in preventing them from becoming the vic- tims of the designing and the unprincipled. More than this, it is in the sister's power to aid the mother in establishing that high standard of female excel- lence which guides a man in the most important event of his life, namely, in choosing a wife. Those young men 228 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. who have formed their models from mothers and sisters, whose aims have been high and worthy, will not be so likely to allow fancy or passion to control them in their choice of a companion for life, as will those who have had friv- olous and selfish women around them. Some very prac- tical writer says: Love is not aifection. From its very tiature it is but a temporary impulse, and, in most cases, a singularly silly impulse, which has become to be regarded as something almost divine, owing to the absurd nonsense that poets and others have written about it.. This would be truer, if its author had said, " Fancy is not affection," etc. However^ it is a sad lesson which the experience of life brings to many, namely, that the mar- riages which are made in the heaven of love are too often not as happy as those which are made from a moral judge- ment, for traits of mind -and heart, from the standpoint of sentiment rather than of feeling or passion. ~" On this subject, E,ev. Robert CoUyer says : •" I think the average novel is making sad mischief in the average mind in its pictures of true love. It makes the tender glow and glamour which related natures feel when they meet, true love. It is no such thing ; it is true passion, that is all ; a blessed power purely and rightly used, but no more true love than those little hooks and tendrils we see in June on a shooting vine are the ripe clusters of October. For true love grows out of reverence and defer- ence, loyalty and courtesy, good service given and taken, (lark days and bright days, sorrow and joy. It is the fine essence of all we are together, and all we do. True passion comes first, true love last." It has been said that passion can exist without love, but that there is no such thing as true love without passion, that passion comes and goes like the lightning out of the heavens ; but that love, like the sun, burns with a steady INFLUENCE OF SISTERS. 229 light, even when behind clouds of trial and vexation, ad- versity and affliction. This then is the " true love " that is needed to make married life what it should be, to sanctify and hallow all its relations and to make home the altar of the affections. Other requisites for happiness in married life are treated in another chapter. The " Young Lady's Friend" enters so fully upon the relations of brothers and sisters, behavior to parents, friends, young men, and connections, conduct to teachers, treat- ment of domestics, female companionship, and mental cul- ture, that it would seem to be a work of supererogation to even touch upon any of these topics in a book which is intended as a companion to that volume; but too much cannot be said or written upon the vast power that lie? in the hands of mothers and sisters in forming the char^ acters of sons and brothers. Aime Martin says: "The maternal inspirations can impart vice and virtue as the Word of God imparts life." In these inspirations, in this influence, sisters as well as mothers may have a part. 230 SBNSIBIiR ETIQUETTB. CHAPTER VII. CONFLICTING AUTHOBITIES AND OPINIONS ON POINTS OF SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, WITH BBCAPITULATOKY REMARKS AND COMMENTS. " A gentleman offers his l(jft arm to the lady whom he is to lead into dinner."—" Social Etiquette in New York,'" Home Journal. " Dinner announced, the host offers his left arm to the lady." — Mrs. Dahlgren's •■ Etiquette of Social lAfe in Washington." " A gentleman offers his right arm in conducting ladies, whether on the street or in the house. By so doing, the right hand of the lady is left free to hold her parasol, or, if in the house, to use her fan, attached to her chatelaine, and to guard her train from being stepped upon. Some writers decree that the right arm is to be offered oa one occasion, and the left arm on others. This is absurd, as no man could remember the distinctions with our mode of life. Both com- mon sense and gallantry assign the lady's place where it is for her greatest convenience, on his right. A lady gives the seat of honor at table on her right, retaining the right-hand seat in her carriage and opera-box, excepting where she yields it to a lady older than herself. The rule that a lady must always have the wall, either on the street or ascending staircases, should not be regarded. It was made for walking in streets where there are no sidewalks or very narrow ones (as still seen in some foreign cities), to protect the ladj' from the passing vehicles and animals. In America a gentle- man should, as a rule, keep on the left of a lady, in order to guard her from the jostling of passers-by. He should pay no regard to the wall. It is for the protection of ladies in this way that the rule is so universally followed of giving the right arm." — Mrs. H O. Ward. Is it any wonder that we have no general understanding of what the established customs of society in America are,- or should be, when our authorities vary so widely in a simple point, which, in other countries, is a settled one? CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 231 To some persons it may seem almost ludicrously unim- portant whether a gentleman offers his right arm or his left in conducting ladies through suites of apartments and halls, or in galleries of pictures ; yet, as the non-observ- ance of just such trivial points creates confusion where harmony should reign, and inconvenience where the com- fort of all concerned should be regarded, we shall try to show which of these rules is the best suited to our mode of life in America, without reference to the customs of any other country. Mrs. Admiral Dahlgren, in her book treating of the etiquette of social life in Washington, frankly states that her sole object is to collate various expressions on mooted points, in the hope that their presentation may lead to the establishment of more clearly-defined rules, generously adding : " We are, therefore, equally pleased to publish opinions of weight when presented to us, whether they may happen to coincide with any preconceived notion of our own or not" This is just what is needed in order to reconcile our conflicting customs, and to bring about that uniformity and " fixity of society usages which we must have before we can be said to have society in the sense in which that word is used by the foreigners who come here seeking society," to quote from an article in " The Galaxy" en- titled, " What Constitutes American Society ?" "The Nation" (March 6th, 1873), commenting upon this paper, says, one mistake which foreigners make who are sojourning among us, is that of supposing that because an Englishman will, under certain circumstances, always do certain things ; and a Frenchman will, under certain cir- cumstances, always do certain things, therefore an Ameri- can also has tiiis fixity ; continuing : " From our want of fixed society, then, and of a fixed national type, it follows 232 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE.' that whoso seeks among us fixed society usages will always be liable to mistakes. The subject is a deep and high one ; but tourists who intend paying us a visit might be referred to an article which appears in 'Lippincott' for March, entitled, ' Unsettled Points of Etiquette.' " The constant readers of " Lippincott " may remember that the ground which Mrs. Moore took in this essay, was that the diversity of opinion which exists in America in refer- ence to many points of etiquette is to be regretted, for the reason that " where no fixed rules exist, there must always be misapprehensions and misunderstandings; rudenesses suspected where none are intended, and sometimes re- sented, to the great perplexity of the offender as to the cause of offence." Mrs. Dahlgren has made the first move in the right direction for bringing about the harmonizing of these diversities, for it is but of comparatively little importance to know what customs are occasionally ob- served in different circles, as long as these customs con- flict. What our society needs is '^ fixed society usages," not varying customs laid down as actual laws, where there is no general understanding as to the origin of, and reason for, the customs, — where, in fact, only a Hew hold them in observance, the majority knowing them to be contrary to prevailing ideas, and in some cases antagonistic to the spirit of our institutions. A knowledge of etiquette is not merely a knowledge of common politeness, but of the general customs of society at its best, and obedience to it is to social life what obedience to law is in political life, as has been already quoted. We do not wish to be told only what the customs are, in American society, but what they ought to be as well. Therefore, giving precedence to Mrs. Dahlgren, as one of those ladies of social influence who have been the first to move in an effort to bring order out of the chaos which has CONFLICTINa AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 233 been a cause of reproach in our social life, we quote first from her book on etiquette, — " Dinner announced, the host offers his left al-m to the lady who has the highest official position present." Why has Washington society decreed that the left arm of the gentleman should be offered, instead of the right? If any good reason can be given for reviving in this age a discarded rule made for quite a different state of civiliza- tion, let us by all means follow it all over the United States, an4 not have one rule for one section and an opposite one for another section. The lady who is compelled to use her left hand to guide her train, in walking through suites of rooms, or to hold her parasol, if on the promenade, looks awkward and feels awkward, if she is not left-handed ; yet all this she must do if she takes a gentleman's left arm. While if she takes his right arm (though not usual to take the arm in walk- ing, it is sometimes necessary), he is able to protect her from the jostling elbows of those who pass her, and her right hand is left free to use it as she will. If the rule for giving the left arm be traced back to its origin, it will be found to have had its rise in days when it was a matter of necessity that men should pass to the left, both on foot and on horse; thus keeping the sword- arm free for self-protection, or for the protection of ladies accompanying them. Now all this is changed in our latitude, and we pass to the right, so that nothing can be plainer than that gallantry should assign to the lady the gentleman's right arm, as well for her convenience as for her protection from contact with those who pass her. During the marriage ceremony the bride stands at the left of the bridegroom, facing the priest, and with her back to the concourse of people, in order that when they turn 234 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. she may take his right arm in walking out of church to tlieir carriage. Otherwise, he would have to pass in front of her to offer the required arm. It needs But little reflec- tion to show us that whatever be the customs of other countries, gentlemen in America should keep ladies who are walking with them on their right. There are some ladies who consider it a great awkwardness on the part of gentlemen to offer them the left arm, under any cir- cumstances, without first apologizing for so doing, saying that they cannot help forming their opinion of a man's $avoir faire by this test. The folly of such a method of judging is shown in the fact that we have no actual laws, and that the rule of giving the left arm is still some- times found in foreign etiquette books, prepared for the instruction of persons in countries where people pass to the left. One reason put forward by those who advocate this use of a gentleman's left arm is that it leaves the right arm free to defend the lady, if attacked or insulted. How- ever admirable such forethought may be for the lati- tude of the Black Hills, it certainly cannot be necessary for the more highly cultured circles of our Eastern cities. Such a rule would make a very good appendage to the Deadwood version of the ten commandments, given as an eleventh. In the state of society which our newspapers represent as existing in Deadwood, a man would need to have his right arm disengaged, as well as in' feudal times, in order to ward off any sudden blow, which he might be sub- jected to receiving. It is no longer necessary to consult the convenience of the gentleman in this matter, .and no lady who has been accustomed to a societ_y where the right arm is always offered, ever willingjy submits to the inconvenience of taking the left, for it makes it as awkward CONFIilCTINa AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 235 for her as it would be to use the left hand at table where she DOW uses the right. Another reason put forward for offering the left arm in conducting a lady to the dining-room is that it is the French custom, adopted in order that the gentleman may, with more convenience to himself, place the lady's chair to suit her. The absurdity of this reason is too evident to need explanation, for when a gentleman seats a lady at the din- ner-table, he is obliged to release her arm before she can take her seat, and in doing so he is compelled to stand di- rectly behind her chair while placing it, and consequently is quite as near his own seat in the one case as in the other. .Besides, we do not wish to follow French customs, when those of our mother country are better adapted to our modes of life. Neither do we admit that the best-bred French- men give their left arms to ladies, save in exceptional cases, although their books of etiquette give this information. Books treating of etiquette alone are often written by dancing-masters and Turveydrops and others knowing little of the customs of the best society of any land, and who cannot therefore be trusted in points which conflict with common-sense views. Anotlier reason mentioned in favor of the left arm being given, is that it gives the lady the wal} in certain cases. At the first glance this seems both sensible and correct, but when we come to look into the origin of the rule so often laid down in books on etiquette, that a lady must have the wall, we find it was made when there were no sidewalks, and gentlemen were compelled to give the wall in order to protect the ladies with them from passing vehicles and ani- mals. The rule is still observed in countries where the sidewalks are very narrow, but ladies in America who dis- like to be jostled or elbowed, or to come in contact with a stream of passing people, keep to the right, which obliges 236 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the gentleman walking with them to remain on their left. Even when the streets are muddy there are ladies who would take the risk of a splashed gown to the risk of the contact referred to. In ascending staircases, no rule is necessary, inasmuch as a lady and a gentleman do not ascend side by side, un- less the lady is an invalid, or aged and infirm. Those who write upon etiquette should, in order to ac- complish a desirable uniformity of action, consult together as to the rules best adapted to American life, before citing any customs as actual laws. We have no actual laws, " no fixity of society usages," as the writer of the article in " The Galaxy " stated, while our need of them is increasing, yearly. By reason of the great changes which have taken place in late years in New York society, greater than in any other of our Eastern cities, there, less than elsewhere, will be found perpetuated the gentle and refining tradition- ary influences which hold in check the most exclusive cir- cles of Boston and Philadelphia society. We shall never have any fixity of social usages, nor any rules that will be trustworthy, ones to follow, as long as writers on this subject tell us what is done in certain circles, instead of what ought to be done. Herein, Mrs. Dahlgren sets an admirable ex- ample, which, if followed by others, would do much towards rectifying the state of things which hosts of wellbred and well-informed foreigners have complained of in American society, from De Tocqueville and Gurowski and Hubner, down to the essayists of to-day, viz., " our want of social laws, which conform as far as possible to the best laws of cultivated circles" everywhere. But if one writer tells us it is already a rule of New York society that the left arm is to be offered, and another advises American men to give the right arm, because ladies prefer to have their right hands at liberty, as well as because it is the prevailing cus- CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 237 torn in the most exclusive circles of the Old World, what will the result be but a continued and continual confusion of ideas as to which arm should be given. One involuntarily recalls these words of Cai us Marius: " To concert measures at home answerable to the state of things abroad, and to gain every valuable end, in spite of opposition from the envious, the factious, and the disaf- fected ; to do all this, my countrymen, is more difficult than is generally thought." The application of these words to the efforts put forth for securing harmony in our social laws is not as absurd as it seems. Isocrates, born at Athens, 436 B.C., laid the greatest stress not only upon unanimity of action in the right forming of the manners of the youth of his time, but upon the strict inspection of the manners of adult persons, that their example might not lead astray those that had been properly educated. Not to have this kind of instruc- tion, and to hold diverse ideas as to social customs, is, as we have seen in previous chapters, as confusing to the novice in American society, as to find two or more standards of weights and measures prevailing in the same place. "11 vaid mieux ne pas savoir, que de savoir mal ce qu' on sail." Turning to De Tocqueville's "Democracy in America," we find these words : " Nothing is more prejudicial to de- mocracy than its outward forms of behavior; many men would willingly endure its vices who cannot support its manners. Though the manners of European aristocracy do not constitute virtue, they sometimes embellish virtue itself." Gurowski, in his "America and Europe," says : " The thoroilghbred European aristocrat is generally the most scrupulous in observing towards his equals, and still more towards his inferiors in a social point of view, those highest degrees of masonry of good breeding, in which few seem to be initiated in America." 233 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. What is needed to make our outward forms of behavior more attractive in all matters, both small and great, is com- petent instruction in this masonry of good breeding. The writer of one of the best articles " Concerning Etiquette," which has appeared on this side of the Atlantic, tells us that the longitude of London is to all intents and purposes the social longitude of America also. This is aliother reason for adopting as our own the social laws of our mother country, which are adapted to our customs, instead of accepting etiquette-book innovations. Laws of etiquette which do not support the dignity of the individual, and the convenience and the comfort of the community, are senseless laws. The time has arrived to discard them, and to adopt new and better ones. But to quote once more from Isocrates : " To advise that we should return to some of the institutions of our ancestors is, surely, a very different matter from proposing innovations;" and in the matter of offering the right arm, we have but to recall the times of our old-school grandfathers to see that this is no innovation, but a return to one of the customs of our worthy ancestors. Several "conflicting points" have already been touched upon in previous chapters. As the three books have been written in such a commendable cause, it is greatly to be de* plored that their writers have not consulted together as to rules where such different instructions have been given. It is to be hoped that future editions will show that reconcili- ation of conflicting opinions, which Is as essential to the reputation of the writers as authorities, as it is to the in- struction of the readers of the books. Mrs. Dahlgren's book was written to meet the require- ments of Washington society. The compiler of " Sensible Etiquette" knows nothing of the society of our capital since the days of Henry Clay; but in recalling what.it was CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 239 then, she well remembers a gallant speech made to her by a famous statesman, who, in conducting her to the table (upon the occasion of one of those "champagne suppers" where all were seated, which were frequently given in those days) said : "I always keep a lady on my right side, as I am then sure of being near her heart." Possibly this custom having belonged to a past genera- tion, may have some weight in settling the question, and preventing the general adoption of a rule set down only in books of etiquette. " Social Etiquette in New York," is a more ambitious work, and was written in response to numerous and con- stant applications from all parts of the country for infor- mation regarding social forms and usages in New York city, after " Sensible Etiquette " had gone through eight or ten numbers of "The Saturday Evening Post." "So- cial Etiquette" is entirely original, and written in the most charming vein, evincing in portions of it the well- bred woman of the world, as well as the gentlewoman of sense and refinement. It is thoroughly reliable as to the customs of certain circles in New York ; but what our young people need is a knowledge of what they ought to do, more than a knowledge of what is done. And herein lies the difference between "Sensible Etiquette" and "Social Eti- quette." The first is a compilation from the best writers on behavior, manners, and higher culture, and from the best authorities on etiquette ; the latter is an expression of one gentlewoman's views as to the prevailing customs of New York society. A recent article in the " Home Journal," entitled " Neg- lected Manners," attributes the disappearance of the first principles of good breeding in modern households partly to ignorance, and partly to reaction toward license from the extreme rigidity and repression of former systems, thus 240 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. supporting the compiler in the ground taken in preceding chapters, when demonstrating the fact that the bad man- ners of the young people of the present day are mainly attributable to want of home-training. Our journals teem with articles in reference to the want of civility in our women, shown by not acknowledging courtesies (extended to, them in street-cars, railway carriages, and elsewhere), with a simple " thank you !" The "Graphic," quoting from "Social Etiquette," com- ments as follows : " It is pronounced not etiquette for ladies to say ' thank you ' for small courtesies, such as passing change in an omnibus, restoring fallen umbrellas, etc. Oh,- it's all explained now!" A society in which it is no longer etiquette to thank a stranger for a civility, may be fashionable, but it is not our best society. Our own gentlemen, as well as foreigners, may well think any lady ungracious who does not say "thank you," to a stranger who stands "hat in hand" after " opening a door for her to pass," or "after stopping to raise an umbrella for her in the rain," or upon "restor- ing to her her dropped handkerchief, or fan." This is not sensible etiquette ; and, therefore, no one should adopt it. Nor should a gentleman extending such a civility stand with his eyes cast down as though he were a clown, unac- customed to offering civilities. Neither should he smile, as an acquaintance would. On the part of the lady a grave but cordial " thank you," is certainly better form than the smile to an unknown man, which it would seem by " So- cial Etiquette " that some New York society sanctions. Another conflicting point between authorities is in refer- ence to answering invitations. " II est aussi indispensable de ripondre quand on vous ierit que lorsqu 'on vous parle,'' is the law of our best society; and the higher the breeding the more prompt the reply. Promptness and punctuality CONFLICTINa AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 241 are said to be among the virtues of kings and queens, with more truth than that proverb expresses, which confers them on tailors and boot-maijers. Out of the very strictness with which our parents en- forced the rule of replying to all invitations as soon as they are received, grew in this generation the absurdity of considering it more civil to send an acceptance than a regret, when the writer knew he could not be present. The rule : " Where there is any doubt as to a person's accepting an invitation of any description, a note of accept- ance should be promptly sent, and if circumstances make it necessary to remain away, an explanatory note of regret must be despatched before the party comes off, if possible. If not, the following day." Now, the first part of the rule is obeyed by some who forget the binding requirement of the second part, and the rudeness of disregarding it. An old number of the "Home Journal" (May 21st, 1873), contained the following incident, which the compiler intro- duces here in illustration of the strict observance, in ex- clusive foreign society, of the rules requiring promptness in replying, and a note of explanation, if after events make it necessary to recall an acceptance. "settled points, of etiquette." " The following incident, which has recently occasioned some stir in a certain circle of a European capital, is in- teresting as proving conclusively that two prominent points of etiquette, set forth lately in an article republished in our columns from ' Lippincott's Magazine,' are not unsettled points there, however much they may be disputed here. We congratulate the authoress that she is sustained by such high authority in the fece of the coarse, adverse criticism which assailed her article in the city where it was first published. 16 242 SENSIBLB ETIQUETTE, For ourselves, we have no doubt the other points of hei essay will be found to have an equally high sanction. We considfer the article one of the best that has appeared on the subject in this country. We quote the following from a private letter : " Signer B., an aide-de-camp of the King of Italy, was recently sent to the court upon a special mission. Count , the Italian minister, gave a soirh for this person, inviting all the corps diplomatique, the foreign officials and members of the court, who accepted the same day that th*e invitations were sent. Signor B. dined with the King the night previous to the soirie, who then gave him an order, which he thankfully received; but after the dinner he went to his minister and expressed his desire to have a different order. The following morning the-order was returned with this request to the King, who, very naturally, resented the act, and made all the members of his court understand that he did not wish them to go to the soiree. In consequence, every one sent regrets, and the King refused to see Signor B. when he asked afterwards for an audience d^adiew." " This incident proves completely, first, that all the mem- bers of the court sent their acceptances promptly; and, second, that after having accepted, they would have thought it very uncivil not to have gone, unless they sent partic- ular word that they were prevented from going. " It is certainly more civil to answer all formal invita- tions promptly ; and those who assert that it is not, show their own remissness as well as ignorance." It has been said that nine-tenths of the notes of accept- ance and regret contain either grammatical errors, or are in some way incorrect. How is it that people of high cul- tivation do not acquaint themselves with these simple matters, when they go so far with stranp'ers in forming CONFLICTING AUTHOKITtES AND OPINIONS. 243 judgments of ttie writers? However, this subject having been treated in the chapters in which the mistakes were pointed out and the proper forms given, it is not necessary to say more in emphasis of the fact that it is so. Another point in reference to which opinions seem to conflict is in the signing of letters with the prefix of *' Mrs." or " Miss." There should be no conflicting opin- ions here, since the rule is absolute. . . " A lady signing her name in letters, documents, writ- ings of a literary character, or in any way, must sign her own name (not the name of her husband) with no prefix." Americaais are noted for their disregard of this rule ; though not unfrequently, when signing in a body, it may arise from the carelessness or thoughtlessness of one of the num- ber causing all who sign to appear to give evidence of this manque de I'instruction, as it is considered ; while those who have not signed their names, but given permission to another to sign for them, may have been annoyed by the apparent mark of ignorance. Where a number of ladies unite in extending an invita- tion to one person, each lady should of course sign with her "christian name." The invitations extended to others who are invited to meet this person are not signed by them- selves, but bear their names as married women, in the same manner as for balls or concerts of which they are the patronesses. The order of precedence in signing, varies in different circles; age should take precedence, but when this is not conceded there is but one method that can be adopted with satis&ction to all concerned, and without throwing odium upon any individual as appropriating for herself undue prominence, and that is to arrange the names alphabeti- cally. This is the course most generally adopted in our best society. 244 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. It is not customary, nor would it be proper, for young unmarried ladies to sign their names to such an invitatioUj where the one invited is a married lady of high position. After reaching a certain age, an unmarried lady has; by courtesy, some of the rights and privileges of a married one; still they should be used with discretion. Under no circumstances does a wellbred English lady sign her name as " Mrs." It is considered a proof of low breeding. An American lady who was about to receive the order of " The Amaranth," was required to register her name in a book presented to her for the purpose. She turned to a friend near her with the question, " How shall I enter it, as I would sign a letter, or with my married name as Mrs. ?" The answer was not as civil as it might have been. " We English women never sign our names but one way, but your countrywomen frequently put the ' Mrs.' before their names, even in signing letters." There was no disputing the fact, and the American lady could only answer, " You must remember that America is a very large country, and that we have women there who are untrained in social duties and distinctions,- as every nation must have." To take up another point upon which conflicting opinions exist. The question is often asked, " Are calls expected after kettle-drums and day receptions?" Certainly not from those who were present. The kettle-drum and five- o'clock tea were instituted in order that ladies might be at home to receive the calls of their acquaintances, in- stead of their cards. Ladies go in carriage or walking costume, make their call, leave their cards to refresh the memory of their hostess, that she may remember their presence, and not expect the after-call, binding on those who were not present. As after a lady has made a call, REMARKS AI7D COMMENTS. 245 she of course is not bound to repeat it; so, after the call made on kettle-drum day, no other call is expected. Nearly all general rules have their exceptions, and there are cases where a call is soon followed up by another ; as where ladies exchanging first visits do not meet, which re- quires a second call on the part of the one whose duty it is to make herself known to the other. This rule, so bind- ing in some countries, is seldom observed here, although it was an established one in the days of the "Republican Court." " Historic Mansions of Philadelphia," page 268, gives us a glimpse of some prevailing social customs in the days when our ancienne noblesse ruled society after the manner of the English nobility and gentry. The writer, speaking of a daughter of Dr. Barnabas Binney, and sister of Horace Binney, says : " Mrs. Wallace lived on Market Street, nearly opposite General Washington's house, during his residence in Philadelphia, and her remembrances of him were noted by her son, Horace Binney Wallace, long since deceased. She saw General Washington frequently at pub- lic balls. His manners there were very gracious and pleasant. She went with Mrs. Oliver Wolcott to one of Washington's drawing-rooms. The General was present, and «ame up and bowed to every lady after she was seated. Mrs. Binney visited Mrs. Washington frequently. It was Mrs. Washington's custom to return visits on the third day, and she thus always returned Mrs. Binney's. . . . . Mrs. Wallace met Mrs. Washington in her mother's parlor ; her manners were very easy, pleasant, and uncere- monious, with the characteristics of other Virginia ladies." The compiler of this work (herself a great-grandniece of Mrs. Oliver Wolcott, wife of one of the signers of the Dec- laration of Independence), thinks this reminiscence must have become a little confused in the mind of Mrs Wal- 246 SENSIBLE ETIQUETIB. lace, inasmuch as Mrs. Washington', who was known to be very punctilious in retusning a first call within tha three days of grace prescribed by orthodox etiquette, could hardly have returned aU calls within that time. Philadel- phians were complained of in those days as neglecting, the observance of many points of unwritten etiquette which, are handed down in families from generation to generation, Mrs. John Adams^, writing of the company which she met in Philadelphia, said, that although it. was of the best kind,, there was an absence of attention to conventional rules, in striking contrast to the society in New York and Boston. Still another conflicting rule in " Social Etiquette" must be noticed, inasmuch as it has a tendency to make more difficult that simplifying o^ rules and observances so essen- tial to harmony of action in, as well as to the requirements of, a large society. The author of " Social Etiquette " gives it as an exist- ing rule of good society in New York, that the lady shall' bow first, which rule has been nothing but a stumbling- block since it was firstintroduced into America, within the memory of the present generation. It has never been gen- erally adopted by members of our oldest families, or by men who feel secure of their position in society. It is in fact a rule which is utterly inimical to the best interests of social life, one which, if the sensible writer of " Social Etiquette " would look at in all its bearings (instead of from a point of protection from tie advances of pushing people), would be acknowledged by her to have no foothold in our neces- sities. It was made for a certain requirement of society in England, and still holds good for that one requirement? there, and for no other. Ask a wellbred Englishman if he waits for any lady, to whose house he has once been in- vited, or to whom he has once been properly introduced in exclusive society, to show her recognition of him first, and his hearty diisclaimer will give a man the clue as to his REMARKS AND COMMENTS. 247 duties. The rule was made for introductions given at halls for the purpose of providing ladies with partners, and does not in any way bear upon introductions given among people in one's own class. On the Continent, under no circumstances does the lady speak first ; and American ladies, whose age or nearness of sight prevents them from being the first to recognize gentlemen who have been introduced to them, are grate- ful for a rule so well established, and would like to see it universally adopted here. Every woman has it in her power to drop a man whom she finds wanting in refinement ; but there are few who possess the gift of rec- ognizing all who have been introduced to them, when numerous introductions have been given in one evening, as sometimes happens at receptions, where acquaintances of the daughters and sons are for the first time tlie guests of the mother. The rule, to suit entirely our ways of life, should require the one who recognizes first to bow first, irrespective of sex or age. It is true that it is the duty of the young to recall themselves to their elders, but sometimes the elder may be the first to recognize, and any rule which prevents either from bowing first has not as yet imposed its tram- mels anywhere in the United States in our best society. We need no such barrier for our protection against the intrusive, and it does actual harm in keeping persons apart, who would have been glad to have dispensed with all unnecessary formalities in their intercourse with each other, had each been equally quick to recognize the other. Gentlemen have fancied that ladies to whom they had asked to be introduced did not wish their acquaintance, because these ladies failed to recognize them (meeting the next time), as they surely would have done had the gentle- men taken the initiatory in bowing. Consequently, as 248 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. American gentlemen do not consider the foreign rule binding of leaving a card upon a lady to whom they have had them- selves introduced, the acquaintance, which may have been mutually desired, drops, and the lady is robbed of the gratification which she naturally felt at first in finding that her acquaintance was sought. Pages written upon this sub> ject would not exhaust the evils arising from the observ- ance of this obnoxious rule, as foreign to the spirit of a republic as it is to the instincts of the wellbred. Only very young men will be likely to adopt it, although now and then those who are old enough to know better have allowed themselves to be perplexed by it. A lady always has it in her power to prevent a bowing acquaintance from making any further demand upon her, and this being admitted, no reason can be given why she should be made to bear all the odium of non-j-ecognition. Though a quickness for remembering faces and names is considered one of the hall-marks of good breeding, it is an impossibility for those whose circles are widely ex- tended to remember all who have been introduced to them, unless, like kings and queens, they have some one at their shoulder to remind them ; while a gentleman cannot fail to recognize the lady whom he has known well enough, by sight, to ask for an introduction to her. This mischievous rule, given in "Social Etiquette," should be disregarded everywhere in the United States by those who seek the fixity of society customs. The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, says a French writer, and it is given at the instant of recognition, without hesi- tation, by our best-bred men. We feel sure that the author of "Social Etiquette," had she written of what ought to be an actual law, and not of a partially adopted custom, would have lent the influence of her pen to show wherein this rule is antagonistic to refined instincts as REMARKS AND COMMENTS. 249 well as contrary to "the general customs of society at its best." Nor let any one think it too small a matter to engage the attention of the writer, nor the subject too un- important to employ an author's pen. The Bishop of Manchester, in one of his lectures, said : " There is a great cry at present about women's rights. I wish women to enjoy all the rights that belong to them, but I would remind them of the great maxim, Cest la femvme qui fait lesmomrs." Trivial as these disputed points of etiquette may seem to many, they must not forget that, as has already been said, attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and that he who can, in necessity, consider the smallest, is the same man who can compass the largest subjects. Life is made up of details. The following quotations from " Social Etiquette," though not apropos to " Conflicting Points," reveal the spirit in which the able work has been penned : "Etiquette may be despotic, but its cruelty is inspired by intelligent kindliness. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagreeable, underbred people, who refuse to take the trouble to be civil. Those who defy the rules of the best society, and claim to be superior to them, are always coarse in their moral fibre, however strong they may be intellectually "Possibly, those vagrants, who scorn etiquette and refuse to take the white highroad of a refined civilization, do not possess those necessary aptitudes for imitation which are requisite for the easy acquirement of customs and for- malities which by birth are alien to them. Sneering is not unfrequently a thin and foolish veil by which they en- deavor to hide their lack of birth and breeding. If such undisciplined persons would only submit to custom, and use their best powers of adaptation, they would soon dis- cover that formality is as easy as a tune that sings itself in one's thoughts without a sound being heard." 250 SENSIBLE BTIQ0ETIB. CHAPTER VIII. DKESS — TOILET— MOUHNIlSfG. " "Women are censured for extravagance in dress and general expen* ditures. Ever since the fruit breakfast under the apple tree in tho" Garden of Eden, woman has been blamed for a good many things for which her direct responsibility is exceedingly doubtful. "Who makes woman extravagant? Who cultivates and inspires her luxurious tastes and proclivities ? Who demands inexorably, ttat she shall be not only naturally lovely, but insists that she be improved by the gentle processes of a generous sesthetioism ? Of course no- body under the overspreading heavens but man. ' N'aurez jamais I'air d'un bourgeois,' is the male injunction, and woman dresses bo- cause men demand that she shall be dressed and dressed well, from the dainty leather which embraces her pretty little feet to the rose which nestles in the perfumed couch of her hair. Do not blame women then for rushing into every extravagance of dress. She has a natural penchant for outward adornment, and the other sex has assiduously cultivated it. That it ruins thousands of men is an un- questionable fact, but they have themselves to blame, that is all."^ Louisville Courier-Journal. " Eeflnementof character is said never to be found with vulgarity of dress." " Never teach false morality. How exquisitely absurd to tell a girl that beauty is of no value, dress of no use. Beauty is of value ; her whole prospects and happiness in life may often depend upon a new gown or a becoming bonnet, and if she has five grains of common sense she will find this out. The great thing is to teach her their just value, and that there must be something better under the bonnet than a pretty face if she would have real and lasting happiness. But never sacrifice truth." — Sydney Smith. There are few subjects that so strongly appeal to the feminine mind as that of clothes, writes a journalist. It is a DRESS. 251 perpetually changing and ever-recurring theme. The lawns and the laces of summer, the velvets and the furs of winter, must, each in their turn, receive full attention. Any woman of any standing whatever finds that subject weigh heavily on her twice a year. The shape and the substance of her gar- ments become unto her a burden. Nor, when tliose gar- ments are purchased and have proved satisfactory, are her cares then at rest. For the toilet of a fashionable dame, aye, or of an unfashionable one, for the matter of that, re- quires a myriad of accessories. She must have cravats, and collars, and cuffs, and fans, and ribbons, and trinkets, and fanciful shoes, and still more fenciful stockings. She must have many-buttoned gloves, and many-strapped slip- pers. She must have bonnets and hats, chignons and shoe- buckles. And when all is said and done and bought, her heart may sink to rest for a brief six months. Now ail this would be very well were every man a mil- lionaire, and every woman a society-woman. Then, be- tween a limitless purse on one side, and unlimited claims on the other, the business would be but right and proper. It is, however, unfortunately the fact that, in the United States, but too mucE"atlention"is paid to dress by lliose whffhave neither the excuse*oramptgTneans nor^of^ocial claims. The wTfe^orthe Bank clerk, or of the young busi- ness man just making a start in life, aims at dressing, if not as richly, at least as stylishly as does the wealthiest among • her acquaintances. The sewing girl and the shop girl, nay eve n the CJ aa.r"^'' ^ in !U(t~^^ tlin nnnk .- mni * vn -thdiT-imen "Have flounced silk dresses and velvetclQa]sa«.£at-Sanday wear. Many"ar'"Eard-working Irish girl expends her savings of months in the purchase of a Sunday silk, be- cause she does not wish to be less well-dressed than are her companions. We have known instances in which a Christmas gift of a dress pattern was refused because there 252 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. was not enough in it to make a dress with a trimmed over- skirt, and a warm blanket shawl was left unworn because "it was not stylish." The injury done by this state of things to the morals and the manners of our lower classes is incalculable. And there is no use of any one house- keeper trying to stem the current. The evil is too univer- sal and too widespread to be combated single-handed. Any ardent reformer who will attempt the task will only find herself held up to general reprobation in the widespread world of servantism. Whatever may be the dress extravagances of Parisian womanhood, they are at least always appropriate. The elegante and the idler, the mondaine and the demi-mon- daine alone devote their souls to fui-belows. The bour- geoise dame, in her plain, stout, stiff gown or well-preserved black silk, the servant in her trim alpaca or clean print, have no aflBnity with the laces and ribbons and gewgaws of those to whom indolence and wealth have accorded the right to wear them. Madame Millefleurs in Paris may hang her Worth dresses forever within full view of her maidservants without any one attempting to " cut a pat- tern " from them. But Mrs. Hauton, in New York, is very apt to see Bridget and Dinah emerging from the area in a close copy of her last Paris suit, at the moment she walks out of the front door clad in the original. The United States has imported a great deal from France. FfencE~ia[r^es, i?TEireh^f lWes7~Ttignetr'wihes'," French plays, aid to adorn our persons and to mould'ouFmorals. We wish that we could import as well some of the strong common-sense that they^ contrive to infuse into the details of daily life. We Americans are lavish, generous, and ostentatious. The wives of our wealthy men are glorious in garb as are princesses and queens. They have a right 80 to be. But when those who can ill afford to wear alpaca DRESS. 253 persist ia arraying themselves in silk, because Mrs. So- and-So does it, the matter is a sad one. In this respect we lack the wisdom of the French, from whom we have learned so many lessons of grace and elegance. Our women should take one more lesson from them, and learn how to dress appropriately — according to means, station, and suitability. Within the last few years there has been a great change for the better in walking dresses. The glaring colors, the " loud " costumes, once so com- mon, have given place to sober grays, and browns, and olives ; black predominating over all. Chains of gold, with lockets depending from them, and diamond earrings are no longer worn on the street by those who know what is considered good form in dress, though occasionally soli- taires are seen as in France. Cluster stones are worn only in the evening, as abroad. The light showily trimmed dresses, which were once displayed on the fashionable prom- enades of our cities, are now only seen in carriages, for which use they are made. Now and then, some matron or maiden, from a far Western city, exhibits at the same time her gay dress and her ignorance of prescribed street toilettes, but even such displays are growing rarer and rarer, and are generally confined to those who love ostentation more than comfort. Evening dress, which may be as gay as one chooses to make it, has been defined by L5rd Beaconsfield to be a style of costume sanctioned by society, for enabling ladies to display their natural beauties with a profusion worthy of a Grecian statue. This is not a fair definition for American ladies; as, although it is everywhere the custom to wear full evening dress in brilliant evening assemblages, but few ladies, out of England (and demi-monde circles) wear their dresses cut as distressingly low as those Lord Beaconafield refers to. 254 SENSIBI-E ETIQUETTE. Ball dress for ladies has already been described in the chapter on evening parties, and will be reviewed later. Gentlemen wear a black dress suit, the coat being "swallow-tail," the waistcoat cut low, the cravat white, thin patent leather boot^, and kid gloves of the palest hue, if not white as prescribed. The shirt front should be plain ; the studs and sleev'e-links simple. It need not be added that especial attention should be given to the hair, which, according to the present mode, is neither so short as to suggest an escaped lunatic, nor " so long as to -give the appearance of a fiddler." It is better to err upon the too short side, especially at the back ^of the head, wiiere long hair destroys the shape, and gives a touch of vulgarity, even to the most highbred physiognomy. For this reason it is to be regretted that the present style may not be a permanent one. Evening dress is the same, whatever the nature of the evening's entertainment. ' The theory is, liat a gentleman dresses for dinner, and is then prepared alike for calls, opera, or ball. Sunday evenings, morning dress is worn. No one goes to church in evening dress, and no one is expected to appear in it at home or away from home on that day. In some circles evening dress is considered an affectation, and it is well in provincial towns to do as others do. In the country, as at 'the seaside, gentlemen wear rough cloth suits and shooting costumes ; but as it is the custom to give half-worn suite to servante, when any one garment of such suite gives out, let gentlemen avoid wearing the remaining two garments of a suit with a third that was not made for it. Such mongrel or harlequin costumes are ca- pable of transforming, in outward appearance, a gentleman into an old clothes-deal6r. For this reason, it is to be hoped that a fashion, said to have been recently introduced DRESS. 255 by members of the Coaching Chib, of wearing trousers darker than the suit, will not find favor. The rule has heretofore been iuvariable, that the trousers must be lighter than the coat and the waistcoat. Evening aud dinner dress, for gentlemen, is the same as ball dress, only that gloves are dispensed with at din- ner, and pale colors are preferred to white for ordinary evening wear. Waistcoats cut low are not worn with frock' <3oats, or with any but dress-coats. White lawn cravats or ties are worn only with evening dress. At either times the use of them is confined to butlers and waiters, together with suits of shining black cloth. Worsted or cotton gloves are not permissible anywhere, nor under any circumstances. Ungloved hands are prefer- able. Colored shirts are worn in the morning, and are often seen at watering-places until the dinner hour. Straw and felt hats should never be worn with frock-coats. Morning calls are oft«n made by gentlemen in our cities, as well as at watering-places, in their accustomed morning dress. At garden parties, gentlemen wear dark frock-coats, . white or black waistcoats, gray or colored trousers, plaids or stripes, according to the fashion, and "stove-pipe" hats. When invited to an early dinner or a luncheon, either in the city or the country, or at a watering-place, the suit- able dress for gentlemen is a black frock-coat, colored trousers, white or black waistcoat, and black scarf or tie. A black frock-coat worn with black trousers is as incorrect a combination as a dress-coat and colored trousers would be. A white neck-tie ought never to be worn with a frock' coat. The same dress as that worn to garden parties is suitable for a kettle-drum, a day reception, or a social tea, and is worn on Sundays, both in town and country. Blonde men can wear bright neckties and scarfs ; but let brunes 256 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. be\vare of more than the faintest dash of gay color when they wish to look distinguished, for a superabundance sometimes gives even a gentleman the appearance of a bookmaker on the race-course. Custom, however, has a great deal to do with our prejudices. It is not considered good form for men to wear much jewelry. One plain handsome ring, studs and sleeve-links, a watch-chain, not too massive, and without pendants, al- ways looks more manly and aristocratic than a super- abundance o£, ornament. The suitable dress for riding in the park is an ordinary walking costume; in the country, cords and boots and felt hat may be adopted, but never in town. For shooting, rough coats, Knickerbockers, thick stockings, leggings, and substantial boots. Gloves are worn in the street, at an evening party, at the opera or theatre, at receptions, at church, when paying a call, driving or riding; .but not in the country, nor at a dinner. White is de rigueur for balls ; the palest colors for evening parties ; neutral shades for church. Much confusion has prevailed in the minds of some American men as to the occasions when a dress-coat is. to be worn. It has been shown that morning dress and evening dress for men varies as decidedly as it does for women. A gentleman in a dress-coat and white tie feels as uncomfortable in the daylight as would a lady in low neck and short sleeves. The gas should be lighted, and the shutters closed, on ceremonious o(!casions where even- ing dress is desired in daylight. Frenchmen are married in dress-coats at morning weddings, Englishmen in frock- coats. The true evening costume, accepted as such throughout the world, has at length, though not without some tribulation, established itself firmly in this country. With advancing culture we have grown more cosmopoli- DRESS. 257 tan, and the cosmopolitan evening dress, acknowledged everywhere from Indus to the pole, has been granted un- disputed sway. Thus far, then, we have harmonized our standard with that of the rest of the world ; but in the matter of the proper costume for state occasions before dinner, the average American man is very much in the dark, and even high officials, governors, cabinet officers and other dignified people, will get themselves up for a morning reception, a luncheon, or some midday ceremony, as though they were going to dine. Considering that in this matter the laws of cosmopolitan society are as well established as in the other, this carelessness is very absurd ; yet it is not entirely hopeless. The swallow-tail has so recently secured its due recognition, that it naturally obtrudes itself in an unseemly way, but in good time it will learn its place and keep it. A dress-coat at a morning or afternoon reception, on any one but a waiter, is as much out of place as a frock- coat would be at a large dinner. The frock-coat and gray trousers, make quite as becoming a costume, and one that is established for morning dress by the same regulations which prescribe our evening dress. As to the use of the bath, the flesh-brush, and the care of the teeth and the nails, it is unnecessary to dwell; these are as essential to health and a good appearance as is tidiness and suitableness in the dress. Long nails on ladies or on gentlemen arc known in the best society as an abomination, and long hair should be left to the monopoly of those artists, and authors who have bohemian tenden- cies. The same class of men are given to indulging in colored cravats, showy shirt fronts, huge coral studs, lace cravats and perfumes. For ladies the golden rule is to avoid extremes. Dr. Johnson's remark, " I am sure she was well-dressed, for I 17 258 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. cannot remember what she had on," suggests a clue to the secret of being faultlessly attired. Refinement in drees and refinement in character often go together, as well a^ a love of the beautiful in nature and in art. Indifference and consequent inattention to dress, often show pedantry, self-righteousness or indolence. It is not a virtue, but a defect in the character. Every -woman should study to make the best of herself with the means at her command. Among the rich, the love of dress pro- motes some degree of exertion and display of taste in themselves, and fosters ingenuity and industry in infe- riors ; in the middle classes it engenders contrivance, dili- gence, neatness of hand; among the humbler it has its good effects. So long as dress merely interests, amuses, occupies such time and such means as we can reasonably allot to it, it is salutary ; refining the tastes and the habits, and giving satisfaction and pleasure to others. An attention to dress is useful as retaining, even in the minds of sensible men, that pride in a wife's appearance which is so agreeable to her, as well as that due influence which, in the present state of society, cannot be attained without it. But a love of dress has its perils for weak minds. Un- controlled by good sense, and stimulated by personal vanity, it becomes a temptation first, and then a curse. When it is indulged in to the detriment of better employ- ments, and beyond the compass of means, it cannot be too severely condemned. It then becomes criminal. Catharine of Arragon is said to have expressed the opinion that " dressing-time is murdered time ;" but the woman who has not some natural taste in dress, some love of novelty, some delight in the combination of colors, must be deficient in a sense of the beautiful. As a work of art a well-dressed womau is a study. Consistency, in regard TOILET. 259 to station and fortune, is the first matter to be considered. A woman of good sense will not wish to expend in un- necessary exti'avagancies money wrung from the hands of an anxious, lalwrious husband ; or if her husband be a man of fortune, she will not even then encroach upon her allowance. During the first few years of married life, where the income is moderate, it should be the pride of a woman to see how little she can expend upon her dress, and yet present that tasteful, creditable appearance which is desirable. Much depends upon management, and upon --the care taken of garments. The French women turn everything to account, nor do they think it unbecoming to their dignity to be careful of their clothing when wearing it. They are never seen trailing the skirts of 'rich silk gowns in the street, nor any gowns as to that matter. It is a disgusting sight to see a woman performing the work of a street cleaner, and taking up in her clothing the dust and impurities that have collected upon street pavements, to say nothing of the extravagance of the act. Walking costumes are never worn by Europeans of the higher classes long enough to touch the ground. In fact, the first requisite in a lady's toilet, if she wishes to make her- self attractive, is cleanliness. On this head, fastidiousness cannot be carried too far. Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity. Cleanliness of the person is health, and health is beauty. Some writer gives purity of the mind as the first requisite in a woman, and cleanliness of person as the second. The dressing-room work can be quite well performed in from half to three-quarters of an hour, including the bath with friction, and the brush- ing and arranging of the hair. It should at latest be achieved by eight o'clock in summer, and nine in winter. To sleep too much is as trying to the constitution as to sleep too little. To sleep too much is to render oneself 260 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. liable to all kinds of minor ailments, both of mind and body. It is a habit that cannot be too severely censured, especially in the young. The bath is a most important object of study. It is not to be supposed that we wash in order to become clean; we wash because we wish to remain clean. Cold water refreshes and invigorates, but does not cleanse, and those persons, therefore, who daily use a cold-sponge bath in the morning, should frequently use a warm one for cleansing purposes, of from 96° to 100°. When a plunge bath is taken, the safest temperature is from 80° to 90°, which answers the purpose both of refreshing and cleansing. Soap should be plentifully used, and the flesh-brush applied vigorously, drying with a huck-a-back or coarse Turkish towel. Nothing improves the complexion like the daily use of the flesh-brush, with early rising and exercise in the open air. The teeth should be carefully brushed after every meal, as well as in the morning and at night, with a tooth-brush not too hard. "Amykos" is an excellent wash for the teeth.* Very hot and very sweet things, as well as iced drinks, should be avoided. The breath should be particularly watched and cared for. Onions have been called the forbidden fruit cif the Eve of the nineteenth century. As soon as the breath becomes habitually unpleasant, one should consult a physician, feeling quite sure that the digestive machinery is out of order. The greatest care should be taken to keep the nails cut short and fastidiously clean. Most druggists keep the necessary articles for preserving the nails in * This cheap preparation of a European chemist is equally good for a hair-wash, and for the skin. Its effect is magical in healing any abrasion. Equally good for this latter purpose is " Pond's Extract," which has a world-wide reputation for its really wonderful properties as a remedy in the numerous ills common to every-day life. TOILET. 261 order. The boxes are labelled " BeaHU des Mains, Poudre d Polissoir d, Ongles." In cutting and filing them, every care must be given to the preservation of the shape and the removal of superfluous skin. A liberal use of the nail-brush, tepid water, and best Windsor soap, will insure the preservation of a delicate hand. Those who are trou- bled with a rough skin, will find it improved by bathing them with cream or glycerin. The hair requires a good deal of care, though of the simplest and most inartificial kind. The secret of fine and glossy hair is persistent brushing at morning and evening with a hair-brush kept clean by frequent washings in hot water and soda. "Amykos," which is devoid of oil or glycerin, is a pleasant wash for cleansing and softening the skin of the head when dry, and is invaluable for other purposes men- tioned in the paper accompanying each bottle. Above all things, never attempt to change the color of the hair by means of fashionable dyes and fluids. Color so obtained cannot harmonize naturally with the skin, eyes, and eye- brows that nature has given ; and ends by disfiguring those who resort to it, causing them to be taken for actresses or women of the demi-monde. Let girls be careful in regard to diet, take regular ex- ercise in the open air, wear broad-brimmed hats in the sun and veils in the wind ; let them avoid pearl powders and washes of every kind (unless such sweet and harmless ones as Amykos and Godfrey's Extract of Elder Flowers) ; let them, above all things, go early to bed, and rise be- times in the morning; and if by so doing they are not beautiful, they never can be in any other way. The face should never be washed when heated from exercise. Wipe the perspiration from the skin, and wait until it is sufficiently cool before you bathe it. In case of any eruption upon the skin, no time should be lost in 262 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. procuring medical advice. "He who doctors himself has a fool for a physician," says the proverb. To return from the toilet to the dress. To dress well demands something more than a full purse and a good figure. It r equires g ood taste, good sense and refinement. A woman of good sense will neither make dress her first nor her last object in life. She will remember that no wife w ill betra ^_that total indifference for her_ husbaiji, which is implied in the -nep^lect of Ker appearanc e, and she will also remember that t o dress consiste ntly and tastefully is one o f the duties which she owes to society. There is^a Spanish proverb, which says, "Every hair has its shadow." So, in like manner, every lady, however insignificant her social position may appear to herself, must exei-cise q. cer- tflininflupnrr on thn fpHin" R and opinion s of others! Tf, therefore, the art of dressing appears either too irksome or too frivolous to such wonaen as are engaged in serious oc- j cupations, let them remember that t he art of dressing per - I forms the same part in beautifying do mestic life as is per- pbrmed b y music and the fi ne arts in emflSellishing the life, /mora l and spiritual. ~~ ~~~ SoTong, therefore, as dress merely occupies so much time, and requires so much money as we are fairly entitled to allow it, nothing can be said against it. Dress, to be in perfect taste, need not be costly ; and no woman of right feeling will adorn her person at the expense of her hus- band's comfort or her children's education. A woman's toilet should be as Men soigrde, and as well chosen at the family breakfast-table as at the grand ball. If she is young, her dress will be youthful ; if she is old, it should not affect simplicity. The golden rule in dress is to avoid extremes. Ladies who are not very young nor very striking in appearance cannot do better than wear quiet colors. Ladies who are not rich can always appear TOILET. 263 well dressed with a little care in the choice and arrange- ment of the materials and colors. Morning dress should be faultless in its way. For young ladies, married or unmarried, nothing is prettier in summer than white or very light morning dresses of ma- terials that will wash ; but they must always be exquisitely fresh and clean, ribbons fresh, collars or ruches irreproach- able. The usual dress for elderlj' ladies of wealth and position should be of dark silk. Jewelry, flowers in caps, or hair ornaments, and light silk dresses, are not suitable for morning wear. All diamonds should be reserved for evening wear. Thin ladies can wear delicate colors, while stout, florid persons look best in black or dark gray. For old as well as young, however, the question of color must be deter- mined by complexion and figure. Rich colors harmonize with brunette complexions and dark hair ; delicate colors with jjcreons of blonde hair and complexion. Imitation lace should never be worn by those who can afford to encourage art and industry. A lady must always ^e bien chaussee. If stockings are visible, they should be of silk or fine thread ; the shoe well made, and somewhat trimmed. Too many rings are vulgar. English ladies seldom wear other than those of a solid kind in the morn- ing. Continental European and American ladies are not so particular, and are frequently seen, not only with diamond rings, but with diamond solitaires in their ears, those containing stones set in a cluster being distinguished by them as belonging to evening dress solely. A peignoir or loose robe of rich texture may be worn in the early morning hours, but is scarcely consistent after midday. The morning coiffure, be it a cap or be it the dressing of 264 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the hair, should be neat, simple and compact. A head-dress of lace and bows of ribbon is becoming to married women, but never suitable for young girls. The use of them by the unmarried is confined to the demi-monde. Artificial flowers are not worn in morning caps. Walking dresses should always be quiet in color, simple, substantial, and, above all, founded on the science of combination. In the city there should be some degree of richness in the dress ; for the country it should be tasteful, solid and strong. For- tunately for the health of the present generation, thin mo- rocco boots are no longer worn for walking. Fashion decrees thick boots, balmoral stockings, gants de Suede, and short gowns, as the prescribed walking costume. American women can now enjoy a good walk with pleas- ure, and without shuddering at the aspect of a filthy crossing, or worrying themselves with the weight of skirts which cleanliness enforces their lifting from the ground, since the French modistes have at last consented to make American walking costumes as they have always made thetn for Europeans. Women of the lower orders can now have, as in Europe, the uncleanly monopoly of wearing carriage toilettes in walking. Visiting costumes, or those worn at day receptions, are of richer material than walking suits. The bonnet is either simple or rich, according to the taste of the wearer, biit it must not encroach upon such as are suitable only for afSte. It must still be what the French call "un chapeau de fatigue." A jacket of velvet, or shawl, or fur-trimmed mantle, are the concomitants of the carriage visiting dress in winter. In summer, all should be bright, cool, agree- able to wear, and pleasant to look at. Mantles of real lace, though less worn in America than formerly, are always rich. Ordinary evening dress admits of great taste and variety. A lady should provide herself with dresses suit- TOILET. 265 able for demi-toilette. To wear dresses in the home circle that have done service in the past as ball or dinner dresses, sometimes gives a tawdry, miserable look to the wearer. Nothing is so vulgar as finery and jewelry out of place. ~" The full dinner dress admits of great splendor in the present days of luxury. It may be of any thick texture of silk in vogue, long, fresh and sweeping. Diamonds are used, but not in full suits as at balls, only in broaches, pendants, earrings and bracelets. The same rule applies to emeralds, but not to pearls. Rows of pearls are worn with any dress ; they suit either the demi-toilette or the grand dinner, if the material be sufficiently rich. If arti- ficial flowers are worn in the hair, they should be of the choicest description. The fan should be perfect in its way, and the gloves should be- quite fresh. Every trifle in a lady's costume should be, as far as she can afibrd it, fault- less. She should prefer to go out in a simple gown rather than with false lace, or with soiled gloves. Ball dressing requires less art than the nice gradations of costume in the dinner dress and the dress for small even- ing parties. For a ball, everything light and diaphanous, somewhat fanciful and airy, for all save dowagers. What are called good dresses seldom look well at a ball. The heavy, richly-trimmed silk, is only appropriate to those who do not dance. Much jewelry is out of place for young ladies at any time. Diamonds and camel's hair shawls are considered unsuitable for unmarried ladies until they have passed a certain age. Handkerchiefs trimmed with lace should be reserved for balls and evening parties. Natural flowers are always more youthful than artificial ones. Perfumes, if used at all, should be used in the strictest moderation. To be tolerated, they must be of the most 266 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. recherchi kind. Musk and patchouli should always be avoided, as people of seiftitive temperament are often mad© ill by them. Cologne water of the best quality is never offensive. Opera dress for matinees may be as elegant as for morn- ing calls. A bonnet is always worn, even by those who occupy boxes, but it may be as dressy as one chooses to make it. In the evening ladies are at liberty to wear evening dresses, with ornaments in the hair instead of a bonnet ; and no one who has noticed the great difference in the appearance of the house when ladies wear light colors, will wish to take away from the effect by wearing dark hues. Philadelphia has one of the prettiest opera-houses in America, and when it was the custom for ladies there to dress for the dress-circle and parquette, as they do still elsewhere, the house on an opera-night rivalled in effect a London audience. It has been said that the best-dressed women and the worst-dressed men are found among the Russians, the French, and Americans, while English gen- tlemen are left to carry off the palm for good dress, over all other nations. The Germans and Scandinavians, as a rule, are still worse-dressed, although there are many among them whose dress could not be improved, according to our present ideas of what is correct. Fashions are constantly changing, and those who do not adopt the extremes, can well afford to feel satisfied with the medium, for so many are the prevailing modes at the pres- ent time, that among them may be found one to suit every style of form and face The secret simply consists in a woman's knowing the three grand unities — her own station, her own age and her own points; and no woman can dress well who does not. With this knowledge she turns a cold eye to the assurances of shopmen, and the recommendations of milliners. She MOURNING. 267 cares not how new or original a pattern may be, if it be ugly ; or how recent a shape, if it be awkward. Not that her costume is always new; on the contrary, she wears many a cheap dress, but it is always pretty, and many an old one, but it is always good. She deals in no gaudy con- fusion of colors, nor does she affect a studied primness or sobriety ; but she either refreshes you with a spirited con- trast, or composes you with a judicious harmony. After this, we need not say that whoever is attracted by the costume will not be disappointed in the wearer. She may not be handsome nor accomplished, but we will answer for her being even-tempered, well-informed, thoroughly sensible and a complete gentlewoman. After all, in all these important matters of dress, it is the wearer's own sense on which their proper application depends. MOURNING. The people of the United States are the only people who have no prescribed periods for the wearing of mourn- ing garments. This causes some families to appear want- ing in respect for fhe memory of the departed, and others to be ostentatiously long in displaying the emblems of their sorrow and unchristian want of resignation. Others wear mourning long after their hearts have ceased to mourn. Where there is profound grief, no rules are needed ; but where the affliction is of a lighter nature, then comes in the need of an observance of fixed times for wearing mourn- ing garb, if worn at all. Many are beginning to follow the sensible custom, introduced in England, of leaving off" all bright colors and adhering strictly to black, without using the materials which are confined to mourning dress; and many more are reserving the sad privilege of following beloved remains to their last resting-place, without the unwelcome presence of others outside of their own imme- 268 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. diate families. Before this custom was introduced, very often only the male relatives and friends went to the in- terment, Now, where inclination leads, all the near of kin are present at this sad rite. The period of retirement from the world was once more protracted than it is, now that European customs are more generally followed, excepting in such cases as the heart dictates a longer seclusion. Formerly, mourning was worn in England both for a longer period and of a much deeper character than is usual at the present time. Two years were not considered too long a time for a father or a mother. Now, custom pre- scribes only one year. It is also considered better form now to wear plainer and less ostentatiously heavy and expensive habiliments. Widows wear deep mourning for one year; then ordinary mourning as long a time as they may wish. Deep mourning is considered to be woollen "stuff" and crape. Second mourning is black silk trimmed wijh crape. Half-mourning is black and white. Complimentary mourn- ing is black silk without crape. These different stages are less observed everywhere, outside of courts, than formerly. The French divide mourning garb into three classes, — deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, black woollen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woollen both ; and in half-mourning, black and white, gray and violet. In France, etiquette prescribes for a husband one year and six weeks ; six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks half-mourning. For a wife, a father, a mother, six months ; three deep and three half-mourning. For a grandparent, two months and a half, slight mourning. For a brother or sister, two months, one of which is deep mourning. For an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary mourning, and two weeks for a cousin. While wearing deep mourning, one does not go into society, neither are visits received. In the United MOUKNiNa. 269 States we have no fixed rules, but of late years the retire- ment from the world, after the loss of a near relative, has been much shortened. For one year, no formal visiting is undertaken, and no entertaining nor receiving, save in exceptional cases. Mourning (or black) is worn for a hus- ^band or a wife two years : one year deep, one year light. For parents, from one to two years ; and for brothers and sisters that have reached maturity, one year. Those who are invited to a funeral, though not related, must go en- tirely in black, wearing black gloves and a black beaver hat. To appear in hats of felt or straw, is wanting in due respect to customs. About a week after the funeral, friends call on the be- reaved 'family, and acquaintances within a month. The calls of the latter are not repeated until cards of acknowl' edgment have been received by the family, the leaving of which announces that they are ready to see their friends. It is the custom for intimate friends to wear no bright colors when making their calls of condolence. In making the first calls of condolence, none but the most intimate friends ask to sec the family. Short notes of con- dolence, expressing the deepest sympathy, when genuine, are always acceptable, and help to comfort stricken hearts, like oil poured into bleeding wounds. Formal notes of condolence are no longer sent. " Console if you will, I can bear it; 'Tis only a waste of breath ; Not all the preaching since Adam Has made death other than death," is the language of most hearts in hours of deep bereave- ment; but those who have known anything of the un- sounded depths of sorrow do not attempt consolation. All that they try to do is to find words wherein to express their deep sympathy with the grief-stricken one. 270 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Form of sv^h a Letter, copied from one received. My darling : We have just received 's letter and your few touch- ing lines. They almost broke my heart. Oh, that I could fly to you, and in some way be of the least comfort to you. You poor, bereaved mother ! I can offer no consolation, for I can feel none. What more than mortal anguish you have gone through ! My very heart bleeds for you. May our heavenly Father help you. He only can. Take care of yourself for the sake of all who love you so much. I feel the most distracting solicitude about you. Such letters are indeed comforting to bruised and break- ing hearts, knitting in closer affection the bonds and ties of relationship or friendship. Ah, why is it that sorrow must so often hold the lantern, which out of the darkness and turmoil of the world flashes its light suddenly upon the well-springs of love, and reveals to us the pure and calm depths of its ofttimes neglected waters? A writer in the " New York Evangelist" says : Do not keep the alabaster boxes of your love and tenderness sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them, and while their hearts can be thrilled by them. The flow- ers you mean to send for their coffins, send to brighten and sweeten their homes before they leave them. I would rather have a bare coffin without a flower, and a funeral without a eulogy, than a life without the sweetness of love and sympathy. Post-mortem kindnesses do not cheer the burdened spirit. Flowers on the coffin cast no fragrance backward over the weary days. Nor are they grateful offerings to sensitive hearts, while the dead remain unburied. They seem to mock the grief, instead of lightening it. " I never wish to see a flower MODRNINQ. 271 again," was the cry that came from an anguished mother's heart, tortured with the memories that flowers must always bring her, such a sea of garlands had flowed in for her dead son at the time of his burial. The hearts that ached with her own had followed a custom, now, happily for th« afflicted, growing daily in disfavor, A few rose-buds, or white flowers, for a child, or for a young girl, are far more suitable and acceptable than blos- soms wired into crowns, crosses, and wreaths. Let flowers, then, be sent to the bereaved, in tokten-of sympathy, in due time after the burial, and not for the dead ; and let us all so conduct ourselves towards the living that we shall have no memories of unkindness shown them, to add, what Whittier calls "the saddest burden of hu- manity" to our lives — "remorse over the dead." If we were only half as lenient to the living as we are to the dead, says LSdy Blessington, how much happiness might we render them, and from how much vain and bitter remorse might we be spared, when the grave, the all-atoning grave, has closed over them ! The fear of not showing sufficient respect to the memory of the dead, often causes a longer exclusion from the world than the feelings dictate. Therefore prescribed periods, like those which the nations of Europe decree, ought to be adopted by us, and those who wish could increase the period, according to their desires. Keal grief needs no appointed time for seclusion, or for wearing the habiliments of mourning. It is the duty of every one to interest himself or herself in accustomed ob- jects of care as soon as it is possible to make the exertion^ for in fulfilling our duties, to the living we best show the strength of our affection for the dead, as well as our sub- mission to the will of Him who knows what is better for our dear ones than we can know or dream. But submis- 272 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. sion does not come with the blow that smites us. Our first cry is : " O Christ! that it were possible For one short hour to see The souls we love, that they might tell Us what and where they be!" It is only after we have walked with Sorrow, hand in hand, with slow feet, and eyes that see not for the tears, crying for rest and praying for release, that we come at last to the heights of resignation, where her rent veil falls apart, and we behold her, radiant, grand and calm, and learn in her restful embrace that the angel Sorrow is also the angel Peace. Ah, how much sooner would we reach those heights, could we but have that living faith which would keep in our minds the truth that " Ever near us, though unseen, The dear immortal spirits tread ; For all the boundless universe Is life, — there are no dead." Our Saviour has taught us that death is not the evening, but the morning of life ; not a rocky barrier, but an illu- mined gateway, a covered bridge that opens into light. " We bow our heads. At going out ; we shrink, and enter straight Another golden chamber of the King's, Larger than this we leave, and lovelier." SALUTATIONS. 2Ti CHAPTER IX. BALUTATIONS — THE PROMENADE — INTRODUCTIONS — AMERI- CAN MEN — ENGLISHMEN — THE LOBRED TYPE OF ■WOMEN— SELF-RESPECT. " The salutation is the touchstone of good breeding. " — St. Loup. " That self-respect, which is at the same time always so full of respect toward others, is the peculiar ornament of court life." — Auerbach. " What we call 'formulas' are not in their origin bad; they are indisputably good. Formula is method, habitude ; found wherever man is found. Formulas fashion themselves as paths do, as beaten highways, leading toward some sacred or high object, whither many men are bent. Consider it: One man, full of heartfelt, earnest im- pulse, finds out a way of doing somewhat — were it uttering of his soul's reverence for the Highest, were it but of fitly saluting his fellow- man. An inventor was needed to do that, a poet ; he has articulated the dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own and many hearts. This is his way of doing that ; these are his footsteps, the beginning of a ' path'.' And now see, the second man travels naturally in the footsteps of his foregoer ; it is the easiest method. In the footsteps of his foregoer, yet with improvements, with changes, where such seem good ; at all events with enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, whereon the whole world may travel and drive. While there remains a city or shrine, or any reality to drive to, at the farther end, the highway shall be right welcome." — Carlyle. " A BOW," says La Fontaine, " is a note drawn at sight. You are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and to the full amount." According to circumstances, it should be respectful, cordial, civil, or familiar. An inclination of the bead is often sufficient between gentlemen, or a gesture of the hand, or the mere touching of the hat; but in bow- ls 274 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ing to a lady the hat must be lifted. If you know people slightly, yoU recognize them slightly ; if you know them well, you bow with more cordiality. The body is not bent at all in bowing, as in the days of the old school forms of politeness ; the inclination of the head is all that is neces- sary. One's own judgment ought to be sufficient as to the empressement of the salutation. In bowing to a lady, the hat is only lifted from the head, not held out at arm's length for a view of the interior. If smoking, the gentleman manages to withdraw his cigar before lifting his hat; or, should he happen to have his hand in his pocket, he re- moves it. Gentlemen who are driving, are often embarrassed by bowing acquaintances. They are obliged to keep a tight hold of the reins, and this is impossible if they remove their hats. A wellbred foreigner would never dream of saluting a lady by raising his whip to his hat. American gentlemen have adopted this custom, but it would be still better if they would set the fashion of bowing without touching the hat or raising the hand, when holding the reins. Our ideas of what constitutes politeness in such points are entirely controlled by custom, and if it were an understood thing that gentlemen who are driving are not expected to take off their hats, the simple inclination of the head, a trifle lower, perhaps, than when the hat is lifted, would soon be accepted as in good form by all sensible peo- ple. It certainly is a mbre respectful form of salutation than raising the whip, which shocks those who have not become habituated to this modern innovation. The Prince of Wales, not very long ago, was coming down the steep hill at Windsor with a pair of restive beasts, his cigar in his mouth, his whip and reins in his right hand. It was the work of an instant only to take his cigar from his mouth, shift his whip and reins, and lift his hat, in pass- SALnTATIONS. 275' ing a lady whom he but slightly knew. There are but few, however, who could have so skilfully managed to do all this. A wellbred person instinctively bows the moment that he recognizes an acquaintance, at the instant of the first meeting of the eyes. According to the rule of courts, and of good society everywhere, any one who has been intro- duced to you, or any one to whom you have been intro- duced, is entitled to this mark of respect. A bow does not entail a calling acquaintance, and to neglect it shows neglect in early education, as well as a deficiency in cultivation and in the instincts of refine- ment ; so that the truth of St. Loup's assertion, that the bow is the touchstone of good breeding, is made good. Its entire neglect reveals the character and the training of the person ; the manner of its observance reveals the very shades of breeding that exist between the illbred and the wellbred. In thoroughfares where persons are constantly passing, gentlemen keep to the left of a lady, without regard to the wall, in order to protect her from the jostling elbows of the unmannerly; unless a lady prefers to walk on the gentleman's left, jor his protection. A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her (lifting his hat not too far from his head), although the one bowing is an entire stranger to him. It is a civility to return a bow, although you do not know the one who is bowing to you. The more cultivated a per- son is, the more prompt he will be found in such civilities. Either the one who boWs knows you, or he has mistaken you for some one else. In either case, you should return the bow, and probably the mistake will be discovered to have occurred from want of a quick recognition on your own part, or from some resemblance that you bear to 276 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. another. The bow costs you nothing, and the withholding of it shows you to be either gauche or rude. " My boy, you take off your hat too often," said a father to his son, as they were walking together. " I believe you can't pass a dog without touching it, and that you would say ' I beg pardon ' if you trod upon his tail." "Mother says I must take it off whenever I pass any one that I know, and that I must touch it even Avhen I pass the servants in the street. She says General Wash- ington took his hat off to his black men because he didn't want them to be more polite than he was." The father did not pursue the subject ; but the lesson was not lost upon him, for, of course, he did not wish his son to excel him in civility. No one will deny that the difference between wellbred and illbred children is in a great measure due to the precepts of parents ; and parents^ who have the right ideas with regard to training, will teach their children to pay as much regard to the feelings of the lower classes as to the feelings of those who are their equals. There is no one whose good will is not worth having; and no act of courtesy, no kindness, is ever entirely thrown away. There is an Arab proverb : " Do good, and throw it into the sea. If the fishes do not observe it, God will." The truth of Emerson's assertion, that beautiful behavior is more than a beautiful face and form, finds proof in a remark made by a child concerning a lady whose manners were faultless, but who did not pos- sess any remarkable degree of beauty. "Miss Consuelo is the most beautiful lady in the world," said the boy, coming in from his morning ride on his pony. " Consuelo de Forrest is no beauty," was the mother's answer. " Mrs. Greatdash is much handsomer than she SALUTATIONS. 277 " Well, I don't think so ; Mrs. Greatdash never bows to me when she passes me, and Miss Consue]o always does." In no one of the trivial observances that good society calls for is there a more unerring test of the breeding, training, nurture, or culture of a person than the manner in which the salutation of recognition is made. It should be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on the street or in a room. The intercourse need go no further, but that bow must be made. To omit it is to stamp yourself as lowbred. There are but few laws which have more cogent reasons for their observance than this. If the bow is not exchanged at the moment of the first meeting of the eyes, what a prodigious tax upon the memory it would be, destroying much of the pleasure of social intercourse ; while, if you bow as you recognize your friends in turn, there is no difficulty in remembering with whom you have ex- changed salutations. In a drive upon a crowded prome- nade, it is not always possible to observe this rule, however, as the carriages frequently bowl past each other so swiftly as to prevent instant recognition where the face is not thoroughly a familiar one. This rule holds good under all circumstances, whether within doors or without. Those who abstain from bowing at one time, and bow at another, need never be surprised to find the wellbred avoiding any continuation of an acquaintance that they are made to feel can never be a congenial one ; and such individuals must not shrink from knowing that the odious word " snobs " is applied to them by those who are not snobbish, even though an absent mind is the cause of the remissness. The author of "Social Etiquette" says: "Ladies who entertain hospitably, and possess hosts of acquaintances, are likely to invite many young gentlemen with whose 278 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. families they are familiar; but as they seldom have an opportunity of seeing their young friends except for a moment or two during an evening party, it would be strange if, sometimes, these ladies should not fail to recog- nize a recent guest when they meet on the promenade. Young gentlemen are oversensitive about these matters, and imagine that there must be a reason for the apparent indifference. That the lady invites him to her house is an evidence of her regard, but she cannot charge her memory with the features of her multitude of young acquaintances, much as she would like to show this courtesy to them all." Young persons often wait for the recognition of the elder, having been instructed by books that it is the place of the elder to show the first recognition. No books can replace the training of parents in such matters, or the in- stincts of kind hearts. The introduction that entitles to recognition having been once made, it is the duty of the younger person to recall himself or herself to the recollection of the elder person, if there is much difference in age, by bowing each time of meeting, until the recognition becomes mutual. As persons advance in life they look for these attentions upon the part of the young, and it may be, in some instances, that it is the only way which the young have of showing their ap- preciation of courtesies extended to them by the old or middle-aged. Persons who have large circles of acquaint- ance often confuse the faces of the young whom they know with the familiar faces which they meet and do not know, and from frequent errors of this kind they fall into the habit of waiting to catch some look or gesture of recog- nition. Only persons of a limited acquaintance, or kings and queens, who have chamberlains or nomenclators to utter in low tones the names of those whom they approach, can be expected to remember the faces and names of all SALUTATIONS. 279 who have been introduced to them; and no king, nor queen, nor any man or woman possessing culture and self- respect, would pass knowingly an acquaintance without a salutation, unless that person had forfeited the claim which an introduction imposes. Should any one really wish to avoid a bowing acquaint- ance with a person who has once been properly introduced, he may do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as the person approaches, for if the eyes meet there is no alterna- tive, bow he must Bowing once to a person passing upon a public prom- enade or drive is all that civility requires. If the person is a friend, it is in better form, the second and subsequent passings, should you catch his eye, to smile slightly, in- stead of bowing repeatedly. If he is an acquaintance, it is best to avert the eyes. A bow should never be accompanied by a broad smile, even where you are well acquainted ; although cultivated men and women of the world seldom fail, when they bow, to let that beam of good-will lighten their eyes, which distinguishes the recognition of such from the idiotic bow of the peasant to his superior, in which not a muscle moves, and there is no lighting up of the eyes, but instead an ex- pression that seems to betoken entire vacuity of mind. . " Avoid one of those ' grins ' which, beginning at the lower corner of the left ear, go all the way across the face to the right ear." " You sliould never speak to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes," says an English author, adding, "Aspire to calm confidence rather than to loftiness in your manner of salutation." A gentleman on horseback, who sees that a lady wishes to stop him, will dismount and walk by her side, leading 280 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. his horse, for there are few occasions on which it is per- missible to stand while talking in the street. A lady may permit a gentleman who is walking with her to carry any very small parcel that she has, but never more than one. A lady cannot take the arms of two gentlemen, nor should two ladies take each one arm of a gentleman, " sandwiching " him, as it were. Ladies cannot talk or call across a street. Gentlemen do not smoke when driving or walking with ladies, nor on promenades much frequented. " Never stare at any one," is a rule with no exceptions. " Why have you taken such an aversion to Mr. Line ?" asked a lady of a gentleman. " Because he stares at every woman he passes. I can tell as well as any other man the points of every woman that passes me, but no one catches me staring at her like a Hottentot," was the answer. When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both bow slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation. It is the place of the one who is introduced to make the first remark. The reason for this is so evident that it needs no explanation. •A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement. It would be excessively rude and underbred not to give his hand instantly should she extend her own. Our American gentlemen are not as much given to handshaking as Englishmen are. A married lady should always extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome. Where an introduction is for dancing, there is no shaking of hands. A gentleman when stopped by a lady does not allow her to stand while talking with him, but offers to turn and SALUTATIONS. 281 walk with her. Unless a lady has something of importance to say, she should not so tax the time of a business man, although of course if he has an engagement to meet he is at liberty to plead that as an excuse as soon as he can. When a gentleman joins a lady on the street, turning to walk with her, he is not obliged to escort her home. He can take his leave without making any apology. Never give the cut direct, unless you are justified in doing so by some inexcusable rudeness. It is a much better way, when persons speak disagreeably, as people have a way of doing when they have taken offence, to return the recog- nition as coldly as possible, and upon the next occasion, when you meet them, to turn away, or look downwards in passing. This is much less rude than to give the "cut" direct, which is done by returning a bow with a stony stare. A lady who had time after time encountered one of these eyelid and chin movements in an acquaintance in place of a bow, and knowing herself to be perfectly guiltless of any desire to give offence, finally stopped the lady when pass- ing, and said to her : "Sometimes I think you do not re- member me, Mrs. Dash." "Oh, yes, I remember you perfectly," was the answer, "but as you have never called upon me, I did not think it was necessary to keep up a mere speaking acquaintance." The lady, who had first spoken, begged the other's pardon for having troubled her so long under such circumstances, and never troubled her again. But as it is better to err on the side of being too charitable than to allow wounded self-love to make you resentful, you should, when there has been any affection or congeniality, make sure, if possible, of the changed feeling of acquaintances before allowing their changed manner to influence you to drop them. A lady, who had for a long time borne the slight and haughty bow of an acquaintance whom she valued as a 282 SSNSIBLB ETIQUETTE. friend, at last said to her : " "What have I done to displease you, that your manner has changed so entirely towards me?" The acquaintance replied: "I do not know what you mean." " I mean, that instead of bowing cordially to me as you once did, you bow in such a way, that had it not been for your kindness to me in a time of trial, I would have stopped bowing altogether." " Why, it is yourself who has caused it," was the reply. " You were so very capricious in your way of bowing to rue — sometimes so pleasantly, and again so distantly, that I came very near ceasing to bow." The lady who had entered the complaint had been entirely unaware of any change in herself, and she was astounded by the accusation. She went to one of her oldest and best friends, and asked, "Have I a capricious way of speaking? Am I not always the same to you?" Her friend replied, " Indeed you are not always the same. You occasionally speak to me in such a way that did I not know your distraite manner when you have any anxiety or care, I should not trouble you to bow to me again in pass- ing." Such possibilities should make friends very slow to take offence, for it is far better to forbear ninety and nine times than to be unjust once to a friend. The two most elegant men of their day, Charles II. and George IV., never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of their subjects. Always bear this in mind, and remember that, even in this age of deteriorated manners, there are many ladies and gentlemen of cultivation who never pass any one whom they know without some token of recognition, according to the class of the person, or, if of their own class, according to the degree of the acquaint- anceship. " A gentleman cannot cut a lady under any circumstances whatever," is the one invariable rule of good society; but when a woman makes herself conspicuous by rouged cheeks, SALUTATIONS. 283 blackened eyelids, enamelled complexion, or vulgarities in dress or conduct, one may surely be excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes. The woman who after having once seen that she is avoided continues to call attention to herself, cannot possess sufficient refinement to make it pos- sible to wound her feelings by avoiding her. In bowing to a lady, according to our present ideas, the hat must be entirely lifted from the head. If it were otherwise, merely touching the rim would be preferable, for many reasons which all gentlemen will understand. There is said to be a movement on foot now in Germany to institute this reform, but the young should not be the ones to lead in such innovations. A wise woman said to a young bey, who insisted on wearing his hair long and bore with martyr-like conceit the sniffs and sneers of the other boys in the college: "You had better have your hair cut like other folks, Law- rence, there will be enough, and more than enough, serious things worth fighting for in the world, and you had better keep your pluck to defend your principles." A lady may request a gentleman not to keep his hat off while standing in the street, or at her carriage, to talk with her; but a gentleman should never say to a lady, in her own house, " Do not rise," in takiujg leave of her. If he is a young man she will not think of rising; if he is her elder, she will rise notwithstanding the request. Wherever we find a society attaching more value to out- ward distinctions than to inner worth, there shall we find men and women careless of those observances which a truly refined and cultivated society regards. " It makes no difference here whether an Englishman is a man of culture or an ignoramus, whether he is well- bred or illbred, whether he is commonplace or a genius," said a lady at a watering-place one summer; "if he is 284 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. introduced into fashionable society by fashionable people, he receives just as much attention as if he were a savant." If this is a fact, what is the use of having an exclusive so- ciety? If the lowbred, bad-mannered and uncultivated are not excluded, who in the name of Fashion is to be ex- cluded ? Is society a hot-bed of fools that it receives the one with arms as open as the other ? Is money to be its passport then, and only poverty excluded? Let ancestry rather be the test, and let those whose families antedate the Revolution come into power again. We should see as much of a revolution in social life brought about as was seen then in the life of our nation. "Pray tell me," asked a gentleman, "how is it that, after an absence of nearly twenty years, I come back to find only new names among leaders of fashion ? Have the old families all gone out of the world and taken with them the charming manners that characterized the best society then ?" It is not necessary to answer the question here, as so many readers will be able to answer it satisfactorily for themselves ? • Every one in society sees and knows the glaring differ- ences that exist between its members; how a highbred woman will instantly put strangers, the young, all persons with whom she comes in contact, perfectly at ease ; while the woman of society who has not always moved in well- bred circles and who has no transmitted culture to soften her asperities of nature, will act like a cold shower-bath upon sensitive organizations. There are some hard, cold,' selfish natures in society, which " Surely must be of nature curst, Since of the best they make the worst." They misconstrue acts of kindness, or of civility, until THE LOBRED TYPE OF WOMEN. 285 the young fear to be civil ; they wound tender human hearts until the constant cicatrizing of the wounds sears and hardens them into that pitiable state in which they become inhuman hearts. "We found Miss Boncur so charming in every way until the Lobred girls came in, and then all was changed. We were none of us at our ease, and Ethel and I were glad to hurry away ; yet, the very next evening at Mrs. Black's reception they were as civil as possible, because they wanted to make use of us. I feel as though I had lost all my self- respect since, because I allowed them to, although I could not help myself," said a lovely young dibutante who had been with her cousin to return the call of an older society Delle, meeting at the house some acquaintances who had not been taught that the first and the surest test of good- breeding is found in the art of putting every one with whom you are thrown at ease. Whoever fails to do that is not wellbred. Persons of the highest rank in Europe, and those most distinguished for cultivation and fashion combined in America, receive even strangers in such a way as to make them feel as if they had known them all their lives. And if sp with strangers, how much more charming and win- ning are they with their acquaintances ! — always the same ; not formal, haughty, and distant one day, and familiar the next, when favors are wanted, as all underbred people are apt to be. Without that feeling of equality which is ■everywhere found in the highest society anything like agreeable intercourse would-be impossible; the very word "society" presupposes equality, for society is the inter- course of persons on a footing of apparent equality ; and the moment that persons are admitted into it who are not cultivated, who are bad-mannered, all enjoyment ceases for the v/ellbred, the highly cultivated. Where one's amour 286 SENSIBbK ETIQUETTE. propre is wounded at every turn, and the porcupine quills of resentment are bristling on all sides, what can be ex- pected in time but a community of — pardon, but the truth must be spoken, even if at our own expense, — what can be expected but a society of social hedge- hogs ? In circles where Mrs. Folly is toadied because of her "swell" din- ners and her epicurean suppers, and Mrs. Taukwell is banished because of her inability to give expensive enter- tainments, where Mr. Outturn bows when he feels in the humor, and neglects to bow when he chooses; where young girls freeze their companions with cold words of greeting, and still colder glances of recognition one day, and then, finding themselves where there is a scarcity of creation's lords, make use of the same acquaintances to relieve the awkwardness of isolation the next, what can be expected but a society of inane women, odious snobs, and heartless, illbred young people? The question may be asked : " Is it possible that rude- nesses are so common in good society, that they are the rule instead of the exception?" The story of the invalid and the Shanghai cock, told by the late Mr. Charles Astor Bristed in one of his papers upon the impoliteness of our people, answers this question. " He doesn't crow all the time — perhaps he doesn't crow very often; but I never know when he will crow, and I am always afraid he is going to." Any young girl of sensibility who has once met with such an experience as that of the young dSbutante, lives thereafter in an almost craven fear of its repeatal. She is afraid to show cordiality where she feels it, she cannot reveal herself as she would, she moves under restraint, and all this repressal of the genuine good-will and kindness of her heart tends to dwarf and stunt her moral growth. The lady to whom the debutante's remark was addressed, had THB LOBRED TYPE OF WOMEN. 287 seen something of the most distinguished circles of the best society, both at home and abroad, and had had occasion to notice the peculiarities of the Lobred family everywhere; she was able to show the spirited girl how much more nobly, as well as wisely, she had acted in not resenting the conduct of the young lady, who had been haughty one day and familiar the next ; for if, as has been well said, the consciousness of being well dressed confers upon a woman that peace of mind which even religion may fail to give, so the returning of good for evil not only evinces nobleness of nature, but it bestows that consciousness of superiority which makes a woman feel at ease everywhere, and under all circnmstances. She will pity the rude quite too much to wish to resent their course in any way ; she will look down upon Mr. Outturn with a touch of scorn in her compassion that she will have to fight against in order to overcome; and, more than all, she will feel sorry for the Miss Lobreds of society, who are wasting the golden op- portunities of their youth. Now is the time for them to make the friends that some day they will want; and they could do it so easily, if they would only be as aifable to all as they are to the Misses Folly; but if their manners toward their young companions (of course not even the Miss Lobreds would show themselves so vulgar as -to be wanting in respect and deference to their elders) are repel- ling, what will they gain ? Only this, that their young acquaintances, who are equally illbred, will call them " nasty," " stuck-up," " vixenish," " prim as old maids," and say many other disagreeable things of them. Those who are wellbred, will call no names ; but not even the charity that thinketh no evil can keep them from despising such conduct. However, even the Lobreds of society have a mission to 'fulfil. By showing how very disagreeable bad-mannered people can make themselves, and how 288 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. thoroughly uncomfortable they can ' cause all to feel who come in contact (socially) with them, they act as a stimulus to others to improve their manners ; and thus they are of some use in the world. " Woe to him by whom offences come," says Scripture, and the woe does come sooner or later to all who have no consideration for the feelings of others. The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they grind surely. In a world where love is at a premium, and even respect is not cheap, it is a pity to add by your bad manners to the number of those who dislike you, and to give public evidence of those qualities of the heart, upon which manners with training depend. Good manners are the fruits of a kind heart and careful home nurture; bad manners. are the fruits of a coarse nature and unwise training. Manners must not be confounded though with the cor- rect observance of social laws, which are but arbitrary rules, differing in various ages and countries. These are sometimes absurd when introduced into a land that they were not made for; whereas, good manners, founded as they are on common-sense and kindliness of heart, are al- ways and everywhere the same; the fashion never changes. Manners are not idlej^'but the fruit Of noble nature and of loyal mind. The secret of the good manners of many in the lower classes, wlio have had no training, lies in their nature or disposition. The civility of the negro, which is proverbial, is said to arise from his natural kindliness of iieart. Good manners are as important to the working-classes as they arc to those for whom they work — important in the work- shop, in the street, in domestic life, everywhere. The servant who applies for a situation is judged by his manners. If he seats himself in the presence of a lady GOOD MANNERS. 289 before he is asked to take a seat, if he approaches too near, or if he has not a respectful bearing, the lady, who does not wish to entail upon herself the trouble of training a servant, is able to tell hitn that he will not suit her, with- out asking a question. In New England, it was formerly the custom for the mistress of a household to offer a seat to every one, " gentle or simple," who entered her doors. It is not now the custom, in engaging servants, to ask them to be seated. Servants, who cannot stand while answering the questions put to them, pronounce their own incapacity by such an exhibition of want of training. And so, in every class of life — in all professions and occupations, good manners are necessary to success. The business man has no stock-in-trade that pays him better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears his hat on ■ his head in the presence of ladies who come to buy of him, if he does not see that the heavy door of his shop is opened and closed for them, if he seats himself in their presence, they will not be apt to make his shop a rendezvous, no matter how attractive the goods he displays. A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the good- will of his hearers, and makes them feel both that he has something to say, and that he can say it — by his manner. The successful medical man inspires in his patients belief in his sympathy and confidence in his skill — as well as that hope which is so favorable to longevity — by his man- ner. Considering that jurymen are scarcely personifica- tions of pure reason unmixed with passion or prejudice, a lawyer cannot afford to neglect manner, if he would bring twelve men in a body to his way of thinking. And as re- gards "the survival of the fittest," in tournaments for a lady's hand, is it not a " natural selection," when the old motto, " manners maky th man," decides the contest ? When Demosthenes said that eloquence consisted in three things, 19 290 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. " the first action, the second action, the third action," he is supposed to have intended manner alone. Good-OiaimersaFe-tire^hafiewse^vir-tues, it is said, if not virti^,.themsel¥es. One of the definitions already given, is, the art of putting our associates at their ease ; and all experience goes to show us, that the higher the station of life, when transmitted culture accompanies it, the more refined the politeness to equals and inferiors as well as to superiors. This is markedly so among the oldest nations of Europe. Much that is severe has been said lately of the bad man- ners of Englishmen, but is it not probable that those M'ho make these complaints have had the misfortune to meet only representatives of the English Lobred family ? A writer in the "Contemporary Review" gives, as one reason of the bad manners of Englishmen, that they are left more than formerly to the training of boorish tutors ; but is it not also just as true that some of the women whom titled Englishmen have chosen as the mothers of their children are not fitted, either by birth or education, to train children into wellbred men ? And then, too, as a French gentle- man recently remarked. Englishmen are so fond of field sports and out-of-doors life, that they are much thrown with stable-men, book-makers and horse-jockeys, so that some among them insensibly imbibe the air and manners of this class. They who judge the English by such speci- mens of the nation, or by the manners of "commercial travellers," do the cultivated classes as much injustice as Americans suffer at the hands of a certain English author, who, writing upon the subject of good manners, says, " ' To do in Rome as the Romans do,' applies to every kind of society. At the same time, you can never be expected to commit a serious breach of manners because our neighbors do so. You can never be called on in America to spit BAD MANNERS. 291 about the room, simply because it is a national habit." The same writer tells us, " In America a man may go to a ball in white ducks." Now, although insisting that gentlemen in America do not spit about the room, or go to balls in good society generally in white ducks, it must be admitted that white ducks are occasionally seen in ball-rooms at watering-places, and that men in bar-rooms do spit upon the floor ; yet, as the class who indulge in " white ducks " are given to wearing straw hats with frock-coats, they can hardly be taken as Ameri- can authorities in dress, by any one. To judge of the dress of American gentlemen by such representations, would be as unfair as to take the dress and manners of a shopkeeper, in England, for the English type of a gentle- man. The same writer says : " Insolence is so universal in America, that even in what is called good society you will meet with it." Evidently this English writer has been thrown while here with the Lobred type of society ; and not he alone, for a lady writes from an obscure local watering-place in Europe; "Last year at this time I was in Newport. This is but a shabby place when compared with that charming resort, but it has this advantage over its rival, nearly every man whom you meet is a gentle- man." Upon the same subject a foreign author thus expresses himself : " American young men rarely come up to the European standard. Their women frequently surpass our own ; but in the masculine line we take our revenge." Vanity, ill-nature, want of sympathy, want of sense — these are some of the sources from which bad manners spring. Spite, envy, and ill-nature are other sources, and they are among the most expensive luxuries of life, if luxuries they are. None of us can afford to surround our- selves with the host of enemies we are sure to make by 292 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. indolging in unmannerly habits. Go od mann e^, like good words, cost nothing, and are wor th ever ything. ^8=>- ney-SiuiLli atUibuLes bad mannersTo a lack of that fine vision which sees little things, a want of that delicate touch which handles them, and of that fine sympathy which a superior moral organization always bestows. A well-mannered man is courteous to all sorts and conditions of men. He is respectful to his inferiors, as well as to his superiors. Canon Kingsley tells us that the love and admiration which Sir Sydney Smith won from every one, rich and poor, with whom he came in contact, seemed to arise from his treating rich and poor, his own servants, the noblemen who were his guests, alike courteously, con- siderately, and kindly — so leaving a blessing and reaping a blessing wherever he went. If kindliness of disposition be the essence of good man- ners, the subject is seen at once to shade off intti the great one of Christianity itself. It is the heart that makes the true gentleman, the great theologian, and the good Chris- tian. The letters of the Apostle Paul, as well as those of his fellow-apostles, are full of sympathy and consideration for every one's feelings, because he had learned from Him whose sympathy extended even to the greatest of sinners. Lord Chesterfield said, A man who does not solidly establish, and really deserve a character for truth, probity, good manners, and good morals, at his first setting out in the world, may impose and shine like a meteor for a very short time, but will very soon vanish and be extinguished with contempt. What sad degeneracy our times show, if such a state of things existed in the days of Chesterfield. In the closing lines of the same paragraph a truth is embodied which never changes in any age or in any society, viz. : People easily pardon in young men the common irregularities of SELF -Respect. 293 the senses ; but they do not forgive the least vice of the heart. Let the young remember this, and keep their hearts with all diligence, for out of them are the issues of life; and from them proceeds all that is evil, and all that is good, in manners, as well as in conduct. They who are naturally impulsive, often do themselves great injustice for want of that self-control which can alone check impulsiveness, leading them to appear to be deficient in qualities which really exist in their characters, and which, were it not for the injustice which they do themselves, would entitle them ^to the respect which they would otherwise merit. A governess once complained to a guardian that his ward did not respect her, or feel any affection for her. The guardian replied, " If your pupil does not treat you with respect, it is simply a confession that you do not deserve it. Respect is not a thing that can be given or withheld at pleasure ; if you gain her respect, you will also gain her affection." Upon further inquiries, the guardian found that the child was in a state of rebellion, from the fact that the governess had struck her across her knuckles with a book used in recitations, and then, pitching the book across the room, had ordered the child io pick it up. This the young girl refused to do, telling her governess that as she had thrown it, it might lie there until she had herself picked it up. The impulsiveness of the governess had caused her to forget the rights of her pupil, and to appear to be wanting in that self-respect which leads those who possess it to respect the rights of others ; while the less impulsive child was able to control any outward manifestations of anger after- wards, and to state her cause of grievance so clearly as to carry conviction with it. " He that ruleth his own spirit is greater than he who conquereth a city;" and there is no better foundation for 294 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. self-respect than those possess who have learned to govern themselves. Self-respect may be compared to a tr.ee, the flower of which is courtesy, and its fruit heroism of character. It needs no transplanting from court gardens to flourish in our republic. Everywhere those who are worthy of respect manifest their respect for the rights and claims of others, while those who possess self-conceit, give evidence of it by their disregard for the feelings and the rights of others. Thus society is divided into two classes : those whose actions are influenced by self-respect, and those whose actions are controlled by self-conceit. The latter •are moved and swayed by the opinions of the world, by pride of pomp and show, by ambition to outvie their compeers. They have no true independence of character. Like rockets, they may astonish by their brilliancy, misleading the young and inexperienced by the glare and the noise they create, and also like rockets, they make no lasting impression ; while those men and women whose lives are governed by that degree of self-respect which brings with it respect for the claims of others, move in their orbit as does the sun, bringing life, and warmth, and blessings wherever that orbit may be. Persons who are endowed with that superior moral or- ganization which confers moral courage with self-respect, and that fine sympathy and quick intuition which we call tact, will, in their family relations, " study for things that make for peacCj" and, " like the gentle summer air, their civility will play around all alike," wherever they go. If a child needs reproof, comments of praise will be judici- ously mingled with it. If some dear one connected by ties of blood commits a breach of good manners, or some offence against custom, or indulges in a display that is calculated PACT. 295 to give a wrong opinion of his character, the correction will be made in a way that will give the least offence. At a hotel in a watering-place, X. said to Y., " I wonder why that sensible-looking, handsome old gentleman makes such a fop of himself, wearing trinkets on his watch-chain, and two such large rings on his fingers?" Y. happened to be a friend of the old gentleman, and took the first oppor- tunity of asking him to let her look at the marvellous "cat's- eye" which he wore. Expressing her admiration of it, she put it on one of her fingers, saying, " Will you let me wear it for a few days ?" Permission given, Y. wore the ring, and when she returned it, said, "Do you know that you really ha%'e a beautiful white hand, and so well formed that it is a pity to spoil it with two rings. Besides, that rare an- tique looks so much more distinguished alone. 1 wish you would not wear the two at the same time." Y. little dreamed that, after all the pains she had taken to avoid hurting the sensitive feelings of the old gentleman, her course would be turned as a battery against her, to prove that she was "given to beating around the bush." This couplet is again suggested : " Surely there are some of n'ature curst, Since of the best they make the worst." Charles Lever said : " There is a delicacy of the heart as well as of good breeding," and where the two are united in one person, there will be found that degree of sensitive- ness necessary to produce a regard for the feelings of others. Those who possess it feel that there is one thing that is worse than to have their own feelings wounded, and that is, to have wounded the feelings of one who is dear to them. The English are said to be more brusque, and to have less polish than the people of any other nation ; but those 296 SENSIBLE BTIQUETTB. wlio have been so fortunate as to meet among them true gentlemen and gentlewomen, know that they are suscep- tible of the very highest polish, as are all solid bodies. Where the material is fine, hard and close, delicate and good, it can be polished to shine like mirrors of burnished steel. Americans possess this capability for polish, only they must be careful not to mistake varnish for polish. It is only soft bodies which admit of little polish, that re- quire varnish, to which substances it is applied to hide all flaws, and to conceal the material beneath its surface. However thickly it may be laid on, the false covering will chip here and there, and the gloss will be superficial only, and will never in reality equal that of true polish of the grain. An English author writes : " From mauvais honte, indo- lence, shyness, want of ease, or from some false or vulgar estimate of what is good taste, many men neglect in tri- fling matters that courtesy towards women, which in im- portant matters would be more sure to guide them. This is not as it should be. A man loses nothing by observing these little points, for which there is no better name than good manners, which soften the intercourse of life and prevent so many difficulties and misunderstandings. It often happens that incompatibility is one of the sources of bad manners, and that of two people each is afraid of the other, and thinks him or her alone rude. But this only applies to the association of two, and has no refer- ence to the absence of those outward graces which in an assembly of many are of much efiect. If a few of the young men of the present day who are particular in the observance of forms of courtesy, would show their disap- probation of any neglect of them in the still younger gen- eration, and could it be understood that all laxity in such matters reflects upon the home training, — upon their WELLBRKD MEN. 297 mothers and sisters even more than upon themselves, much might be done in a siiort time to remove that which is a growing blot on our social habits." The same truths are applicable to our own state of society : only it must be said that it would be difficult to find in our best society such boorishness as some Eng- lishmen, moving in exclusive circles at home, have man- ifested here. Their manners would be called bad in our schoolboys, too bad, indeed, to cite in proof of the asser- tion. There are no men of any nation whose manners are more pleasing than are the manners of our gentlemen. All that we have to complain of, is that the bad-mannered predom- inate in some circles. " I shall have to come to Philadelphia to find a society of wellbred men," said a New York lady, visiting in that city not long since. " Our men do not have time to be wellbred." The truth is that every circle, at home or abroad, has its wellbred men and women, and its men and women of little breeding. In those circles where the wellbred pre- vail, the society is the best, and there is no reason why so- ciety in America should not be the equal of any society on the globe, as far as good breeding is concerned. Men are very much in society as women will them to be. Where women are not refined, men will not be chiv- alrous, nor even deferential. As long as women refuse to guide and to inspire, as long as they forget their higher nature, and think of pleasure instead of blessing, so long men will, as they have ever done, take the impulse of their lives from them, and do nothing chivalrous, nothing really self-sacrificing, nothing very noble and persistent for the blessing of the world. Aime Martin, in his eloquent work on the education of 298 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. mothers, has expressed what all who desire and look for reform in society must feel, namely, that its regeneration must begin at the fountain-head ; that a purer atmosphere must surround the cradle, higher intelligence watch the dawn of reason and feeling, and train the early manifesta- tions of mental atid moral character, before we can hope for a more complete and healthy development of the powers ^and energies of society. This writer says: ^"It is upon maternal love that the future destiny of the human race depends ; do not then reject this power. Al- though it may appear feeble, its action is invincible, and it is destined to produce the greatest revolution which the world has yet seen Expecting nothing from the present generation, hoping nothing from our public edu- cation, we, too, must endeavor to form mothers, who will know how to train up their children." "^ It has often been said that female life and character are sure indications of the domestic condition of a people. It is even charged nowadays that all women are flighty, ex- travagant, impractical busybodies; that they become bur- dens and sorrows in the married state. Though this is true to a somewhat alarming extent, yet the women who are the salt of the earth are more numerous than people think. It is unfair to judge the sex by the damsels who walk delicately along the fashionable streets, allowing oc- casional glimpses of their silk stockings, if it is fine weather, and shocking propriety by making dredging-machines of their skirts when the weather is bad ; whose dearest am- bition is to dress well, dance interminably, and flirt ad libitum. The women who bless the world, and make good thoughts to pervade the human race, who are the true and constant reformers, and a check upon the world's vicious proclivi- ties^ — these do not push themselves forward, but their arms, UNDERBRED WOMEW. 299 like those of Moses, are sustaining the right day by day, and they never weary. There is, to-day as always, a disposition to describe the personal charms of women, rather than their gifts of mind and heart. Hence the absorbing ambition of mere society girls to starve their minds and diligently cultivate the person. The man who probably had the hardest contest with this feminine proclivity was St. Chrysostom, the great Christian preacher of the fourth century. Constantinople was at that period the most luxurious capital on the face of the earth. It was the fashion for all the women of so- ciety to paint their faces and dye their eyes with stibium, and Chrysostom's remonstrances are sometimes amusing. "Should she be so addicted," said he, "do not terrify her, do not threaten her; be persuasive and insinuating. Talk at her by reflecting on neighbors who do the same ; tell her she appears less lovely when thus tampered with. Ask her if she wishes to look young, and assure her this is the quickest way to look old. You may speak once and again, she is invincible, but never desist; be always amiable and bland, but still persevere. It is worth putting every en- gine into motion ; if you succeed, you will no more see lips stained with vermilion, a mouth like that of a bear reeking with gore, nor eyebrows blackened as from a sooty kettle, nor cheeks plastered like whited sepulchres." Jewels, curls, and cosmetics were as much the favorite articles of the Thracian belle as of her modern sister in the United States. " In one tip of her little ear," cried Chry- sostom, " she will suspend a ring that might have paid for the food of ten thousand poor Christians." Many of our American women have a lack of keenness of perception, in regard to the iitness of things, that the women of no other equally high state of civilization are so wanting in. In Europe you can tell underbred American 300 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ■women (and, unfortunately, more of this class travel than of any other), as far as you can see them on the boats and railways, by the quantity of jingling bracelets, flashing ear- rings, and loud neck-chains, lockets, and chatelaines they wear. Highbred women never flash their diamonds at table d'h6te and railway buffets, nor wear them to church, nor make any display of jewelry when in public places. An American lady wearing in her ears diamond soli- taires that were heirlooms, for their protection, said to an English acquaintance, made in travelling : " I am sure that when you first met me you formed a different opinion of me from that which you have now." The English lady was embarrassed, but, being pressed, frankly acknowledged that the large diamonds in the American lady's ears had very much prejudiced her at first; "for you know," she added, " no English lady would think of wearing diamonds when travelling." On another occasion, an American family fell in with some distinguished Europeans, not English. After becoming very well acquainted, one of the Europeans said : " Hearing so many tongues spoken, we were very much puzzled to know what nation you belonged to, and finally concluded you must be English, although you have not the dowdy look they always have." " But why did you not take us for Americans ? " asked one of the party. The European tried to evade the question, but nothing would do but a direct answer. " If I must tell you," was the reply, "it was because you -were all so plainly dressed, and wore no jewelry." If women who dress flashily, or who indulge in displays of jewelry when travelling, or who dye their hair, or use paint and enamel on their faces, could know what strong prejudices they lay themselves open to encounter, and what effect it has upon sensible men and women, there would be less of it. SKLi" -RESPECT. 301 One age succeeds another with increasing display, van- ity, wrong, and selfishness, say some. No, there are more good women in the world to-day than there were in the fourth or the eighteenth century — an ever increasing com- pany of those who live lives of self-annulment. With all the recklessness of fashionable life and its potent influences upon the young and susceptible, there is more capability for self-sacrifice among both men and women than ever before. Women are as nearly naturally good as they can be ; but men stand most frequently in the way of the cul- tivation of women's affections, and that cultivation, in this age, is too widely given to her passions and emotions. Every good woman exerts a refining and humanizing influence upon every maawith whom she comes in contact, and her husband, sons, or brothers, can scarcely set her upon too high a pedestal in their estimation. The beauty and the worth of American women are indis- putable. Let their manners, cultivation, and good breed- ing equal their beauty, and no others can compare with them, says Mrs. Sherwood. If American mothers will do their duty in training their sons and their daughters, in- structing them as the young people in the best society abroad are instructed, we shall not long be wanting as a nation in any of the qualifications that go towards making the best society of every land what it ought to be. In the meantime, let our young people remember, that those who respect themselves are never wanting in respect to others, especially to their superiors in age. 302 SENSIBLE ETIQUETXB. CHAPTER X. HOME EDUCATION — COMPANY MANNERS — GENEALOGY — RE- QUISITES FOE SUCCESS^THB TEST OF NOBLENESS — SOCIE- TIES' PIN-PBICKS— NOBLE AND IGNOBLE PATIENCE — TRUE EDUCATION — LIFE'S SHIPWRECKS. " We have a genealogical tree, not traced by the flattery of syco- phants, nor the uncertainy of heralds, but by the unerring Evan- gelist, whose inspiration enabled him to mount from branch to branch, a genealogy beginning with God, and ending with a poor Galilean carpenter. Here is a lesson and a rebuke for the pride of descent. The poorest carpenter, in the poorest village of England, can retrace his lineage through the same unbroken succession ; and the proudest peer can do no more, unless the latter, in his presumption, should be disposed to ignore his divine origin. But it would be of no use ; by whatever different branches, they arrive at the same root. The noble and the peasant. If both had the power of going back over their ancestry, would both meet at the 38th verse of the 3d chapter of Luke, ' Which was the son of Enos, which was the son of Seth, which was the son of Adam, which was the son of God.' Here we all meet on equal terms. Disown them as we like in other degrees, here we are brought face to face with, and can no longer refuse to acknowledge our poor relations." ' I know a duke ; well — let him pass — I may not call his grace an ass, Though if I did I'd do no wrong- Save to the asses and my song. " The duke is neither wise nor good ; He gambles, drinks, scorns womanhood, And at the age of twenty-four la worn and battered as three-score. HOME EDUCATION. 303 " I know a waiter iii Pall Mall Who works, and waits, and reasons well ; Is gentle, courteous, and refined. And has a magnet in his mind. " What is it makes his graceless grace So like a jockey out of place ? What makes the waiter — tell who can — So very like a gentleman ? " Perhaps their mothers I God is great I Perhaps 'tis accident — or fate I Perhaps because — hold not my pen I — We can breed horses, but not men 1" What is it that makes one man a gentleman and another man a snob ? Is it varying qualities of the mind, or of the heart, or of both the mind and heart combined ? Is one man born a snob (as another is born an imbecile), or does he become one by training and the force of example ? If Locke is right in stating that, nine times out often, a man is what his education has made him, we are forced to the conclusion that it depends upon the home training whether a boy becomes a snob or a gentleman ; and yet, it must be acknowledged that some boys become snobs with much more facility than others, while it is equally true that other boys, with the same surroundings, take easier to the character of gentlemen. Nature, then, has much to do with the difference, but as nature never made a snob without aid, training and example must be held responsible for their share in the work. A gentleman is known only by hi« manners and habits, to those who have no means of know- ing his motives of action and the impulses of his heart, just as a snob is only known by his manners. As manners and habits are formed in the home circle, the deft fingers of the mother being best adapted to that bending of the twig by which the tree is inclined, parents cannot bestow S04 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. too much attention upon the formation of the manners of their children. From the days of Epictetus, Socrates, Aristotle, down to the times of Chesterfield, Lord Bacon, Burke, Ruskin and Emerson, we find the most cultivated men and the finest wits of the day, as well as the philos- ophers of each period, discoursing upon manners, with a high estimate of their importance. And why is this ? Why should men, whose minds are occupied with questions of vital importance to the interests of humanity, take up topics that are generally considered as belonging solely to the provinces of the mother, the governess, and the teacher ? If we look around us and note how much the happiness of the kindhearted and the cultivated — ^their comfort and peace of mind even — depends upon the manners and the habits of those with whom they are thrown, the clue will be given to the vitality as well as to the importance of the interest which the most highly cultivated minds of all ages have shown on the subject of manners. Aristotle tells us that manners are the lesser morals of life ; and the greater part of the ethics might be used with effect in a treatise upon manners. He has exalted the pe- culiar behavior of the gentleman to his inferiors, as well as to his equals and superiors, into one of the cardinal virtues ; discoursing learnedly upon the proper carriage of good cit- izens in society. There is no thoughtful person, of refined nature and kind heart, who if asked the question, " Which individual do you find most essential to your enjoyment of society — the wit, the man of genius or talent, whose manners are bad, or the man wanting in wit, wanting in talent even, whose manners are faultless ? but would answer, ' If I cannot have a society where both wit and good manners are found, I will dispense with the wit, for good manners I must have.'" HOME EDtJCATION. 805 If the rude man and the rude woman could see what the efifect of their bad manners is upon all whose good opinion is worth having, rudeness would forever be done away with, for none could bear the odium that it heaps upon them if it were not invisible, like the atmosphere that sur- rounds them, which yet weighs them down, insensibly to themselves. Having admitted that birth and nurture have iheir part to play in the forming of the manners, we come to nature's part, a kind heart. Where the mother has good material to work upon, her task is not a difficult one in form- ing the manners and the habits of her children ; but even then, it is line upon line, precept upon precept, and never- failing good example, which shapes the character of those confided to her care. Should it be that the father does not hold the same ideas that the mother does in reference to the importance of early training, then the labor of the mother must be proportionably increased. " Oh, what a story-teller I would have been, if it had not been for you! " said a youth to his mother once. " Why, my child, what do you mean?" asked the mother. "I mean that my father made so many jokes that I did not know what was true and what was not true ; and that he frightened me so much by his manner, when he found fault with me, that 1 couldn't have known whether I was telling falsehoods or truth, if it had not been for you, who would not let me tell stories in fun or even exaggerate, and who always talked as calmly to me when you were censuring me as you did when you were praising ine." Of such are the mothers whose hearts are never stung through and through by the ingratitude of their children, and who reap as they have sown, if Scripture promises are not in vain. " How lovely your mother is !" said a lady at a watering- place to a young school-girl. "Oh, do you think so? 20 806 SENSIBLB ETIQUETTE. Well, then, I wish you could see her at home. These are company manners, just put on for the occasion." Every one knows both men and women who indulge in " company manners," who can be overflowing with civility in society, and overflowing with rudeness in the family circle. Such parents transmit their coarseness, and their children have no manners at all, not even in company. Wellbred men and women have the same manners at home that they have in society. They would no sooner be guilty of a rudeness to an inmate of the family circle than to a society leader. lUbred men and women carry the same manners into the domestic circle that they exhibit outside of it, and what a pandemonium they can make around the hearthstone ! " Why is it that the poor mother- in-law is always blamed by the world if her son's wife complains of her?" asks some newspaper, adding pithily, " There are some daughters who cannot get along with their own mothers, and marrying, bring reproach upon the mothers of their husbands, and discord into homes that were always peaceful ones until they entered them." It is the manners that does all this. A daughter who has been trained to show the same consideration for mem- bers of the family as for persons outside of it, whose good opinions she desires to win, will not bring the apple of dis- cord into the home which her husband takes her to, even though there be a mother-in-law in it. Such causes as she may fancy she has for complaint, she will shut up in her own heart, and her love for her husband will increase in proportion to the love and respect which he shows his mother ; knowing well that good sons make good husbands, and that where true affection exists in a home circle, it is the work of a demon to seek to disturb it. Yet, sooner or later, some such experience must come to all. Shadows are deep in proportion to the brilliancy of HOME EDDCATION. 307 the sunshine, and the One who leads us likes to try our strength sometimas, and show us that the reeds on which we are leaning are weaker even than ourselves, if he with- draws his arm, failing us just when we need them most; and then, in proportion to the warmth and the brilliancy in which we have been basking, will be the coldness of the shadows that come over our lives. Hard as it is for the young to have their illusions fail them, to see the rasy morning of their youth overcast, they can aiford to wait for the advance of the hours that will dispel the clouds ; but when age feels the withdrawal of some light that it had trusted in to cheer its declining day, it can never again hope to welcome it, because, long ere the shadow shall be withdrawn from the chilled and weary frame, the sun will have gone down forever into the ocean of eternity. Hand to hand combats inspire strength that sustains the combatants as long as life lasts, or until 'one is withdrawn because of unequal strength. The blow that staggers and prostrates, falling with the suddenness of the lightning that flashes out of the clouds, for which no preparation has been made, is the one that demoralizes its victims. I believe, says Spurgeon, in sanctified afflictions, but not in sanctify- ing afflictions. The first tendency of all affliction is to make the heart in its natural state rebellious ; and more especially is it so when some agency other than death deals the blow — some agency in which for the time we cannot see God working his wonders to perform. But all agencies, all instruments, are used in the battle of life; the marksman behind the hedge, as well as the battery upon the eminence ; the hidden reef, as well as the adverse gale which we bend our sails t- meet ; the clown's bludgeon of attack even can be made to do its work as neatly as the tempered blade of steel ; but to cleave through 308 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. helmet and mail, down to the very heart's core, there is only one hand that is strong enough to deal such a deadly blow — the hand of one whom you love. Do parents wish their children to be loving, appreciative and grateful, as the years roll on ? Do they wish their daughters to be happy and respected ; their tastes refined, their manners simple, charming, graceful, their friendships elevating ? Do they wish their sons to be nature's noble- men, chivalrous to women, deferential to age, honorable in comradeship? Then they must themselves be what they wish their children to be, remembering the golden maxim, " Good manners, like charity, must begin at home." On utilitarian, as well as on selfish principles, we should in- struct our children as to the immense social force, yes, even as to the source of political power that lies in good man- ners. "Blank was very anxious for the post of minister at , and his friends moved heaven and earth to get it for him ; but I remembered a rudeness that his wife had shown to mine, and I swore I would defeat his aim, and by Jove! I've done it ! " said a politician, not long since. There is no one who can afford to be rude. In the hour that he least expects it, his rudeness confronts him with the bitter fruit of its rank growth. Whether we wish our children to be successful in what they undertake, or to adorn society, or to make happy homes, this is the surest way to accom- plish our desires, by training them to be civil to every one; and we must never lose sight of the fact that the only way in which it is possible to acquire and retain the habits of good society is to live in no other. As disease is far more contagious than health, so are we much more apt to catch the vices of others than their virtues. Therefore, j udicious parents will watch the associates of their children, asking " What are their habits and manners ?" instead of " Whe HOME EDUCATION. 309 are tW^y ?" and, " "Who were their grandparents ?" The "child that hears these latter questions asked, cannot help becoming snobbish, at least in this one point, although free from it in others. It is only those persons and families whose position is not'a secure one that are afraid to be seen with people outside of their own social circle. Those who have a position of their own that has been made for them by their ancestors, and secured by their own worth, are never so much interested in the antecedents of others as those are who have no antecedents of their own. It is the hard fate of this latter class to have to ask about the fami- lies of others, instead of in reference to individual worth, for to do as other people do is the ambition of snobs. Those parents who are able to select their own associates and those of their children, not so much in reference to an- cestry as to character and manners, will prevent the evil effect of bad examples, which so often counteracts the in- fluence of a mother's training. Let it not be lost sight of, however, that the probability of finding good manners is always in &vor of those parents whose children have good manners, and in families where culture has been trans- mitted; for where there is proper pride of ancestry, there will be found every motive leading to the endeavor to be worthy of those who have been before them, and to avoid- whatever may reflect reproach upon their name. Just as important is it to remember that those who have had no distinguished ancestors, whose families are, comparatively speaking, almost unknown, may have been ennobling them- selves by pureness of moral habit, and that culture of the mind and heart which antecedents alone cannot confer. Therefore, the habits and the manners of families are of more importance than their name or blood. And here let it be said that those families that are called "new," because they have newly moved into a city, are often of nobler and 310 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. longer lineage than those which are called " old," because of their longer residence there. In a republic, more than in a monarchy, must a tree be known by its fruits, because a republic has no Burke to turn to for information, as to the origin of the tree, and the quality of its roots. A lady in society once asked a young Quaker who bore a name known in English history, whether he was a de- scendant of the one who had made the name famous. " Not that I am aware of," was the cautious answer. " But surely you can tell. What coat of arms does your family bear ?" " No especial coat belongs to the family in com- mon ; and I have good reason to think that some of my ancestors must have made their own coats if they had any," answered the ^cetious Quaker. " But what is your crest? You surely must have a crest with your name?" continued the interrogator. "We use no crest," was the reply.* At this juncture the grandmother, who was present, interrupted: "Why does thee feign ignorance when thee well knows that the crest is a naked arm with a blade in it, and that we do not use it because we are Friends?" " Which only proves, grandmother, that our ancestors were butchers, and that Friends are not willing to own such plebeian origin," was the answer of the Quaker youth, whose horror of all snobbery was too well-grounded in him to permit him to admit any claims that savored of pretence. Everywhere a total absence of pretence is the first requisite for good man- ners. Pretence is snobbishness, and snobbishness is vul- garity. Where there is no pretence, labor is not looked upon as degrading. " How little did my great-grandfather think that any of his descendants would have to work for a living," said a Virginia Ldy to a Massachusetts kinswo- man. " Your great-grandfather was too sensible a man not to know that many of his descendants would have to work for a living, as well as that many of his forefathers had also eENEALOSY. • 311 Worked for a living," was the answer. " Why, he was the lineal descendant of a baronet, you know," the naive Virginian replied. " Yes, and the baronet was the son of a manufacturer, and the manufacturer the son of an apothe- cary, and the apothecary himself was once an appren- tice," added the New England woman. " Dear me ! how did you ever know so much about the family? I wish you had not told me, for I supposed our ancestors were all baronets before they came to this country." "And the apprentice was the grandson of a baronet, and the baronet himself traced descent from a king of England," continued the New Englander. " Oh, that makes all the difference in the world," replied the Virginian ; " I knew we came from good stock." " Yes, you may well say that ; and the best of the line was the apothecary's apprentice, who raised himself from that situation to be Lord Mayor of London." Here we find the Virginian, true to the type of a Vir- ginia lady ; the Massachusetts woman, equally true to the best type of a New England gentlewoman. It is to the honor of a well-known Philadelphia family, tracing descent from a respectable Westmorelandshire house in England, that the ancestor in their line of descent, to whom they refer with the most pride, was apprenticed to a hatter at the early age of fourteen, rising from this station to that of mayor. His history, as given in the "Pennsylvania Magazine* of History and Biography," proves him to have been one of nature's noblemen, pos- sessed of those abilities which insure a rise in life. Dur- ing the mayoralty of this remarkable man, he frequently expressed his great respect for those who were masters of a trade. It was the custom then among Quakers, * SeeHistoryof the Wharton Family, commencing in Vol. I, No. 3, 812 • SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. or Friends, to give each of their sons a trade; and the time was when even kings were compelled to master one, Now, men talk about the indignity of doing work that is beneath them, but the only indignity that they should care for is the indignity of doing nothing. Our Lord in early life was doubtless a poor artisan ; every Jew learned a trade then, Paul made tents, and Peter was a fisherman. A Philadelphia "millionaire sev- eral times over" is the son of a gentleman, who, with his brothers, were all apprenticed to their separate trades by a wealthy grandfather after their father's death. This aged Quaker, who belonged to one of the oldest families in the United States (as well as to one of the oldest families of the gentry in England), allowed his daughter-in-law* to maintain herself after the death of her husband — the father of these young apprentices. It was not a thing of chance that his great-grandson built up a fortune in one gene- ration with his small capital of about twenty thousand dollars, any more than it was chance that aided Girard, Ridgway, Astor, Stewart and others to make their large fortunes. Industry, integrity, economy, and caution are good stepping-stones to success. When a man has risen from a humble to a lofty position in life, carved his name deep into the core of the world, or fallen upon some sudden discovery, with which his name is identified in all time coming, his rise, his work, his discovery is very often attributed to "accident." The fall of the apple is quoted as the accident by which Newton * This worthy woman', whose memory is revered hy her descend- ants, was the housekeeper of her valued friend the late Jacob Kidg- way, and the companion of his daughters. She was related to the families of Jay, the signer. Governor Lloyd of Pennsylvania, Gov- ernor Bloomfield and Governor Haynes of New Jersey. She proved herself worthy of " the good stock " from which she sprang. GENEALOGY. 313 discovered the law of gravitation ; and the convulsed frog's legs, first observed by Galvani, are in like manner quoted as an instance of accidental discovery. But nothing can be more unfounded. Newton had been studying in retire- ment the laws of matter and motion, and his head was full and his brain beating with the toil of thinking on the subject, when the apple fell. The train was already laid long before, and the significance of the apple's fall was suddenly apprehended as only genius could apprehend it. So with Galvani, Jenner, Franklin, Watt, Davy, and all other philosophers : they worked their way by steps, feeling for the right road, like the blind man, and always trying carefully the firmness of the new ground before venturing upon it. Genius of the very highest kind never trusts to accident, but is indefatigable in labor. Buffon has said of genius, " It is patience." Some one else has called it " intense purpose ;" and another, " hard work." Genius, however, turns to account all accidents ; call them rather by their right names, opportunities. The history of successful men proves that it was the habit of cultivating opportunities — of taking advantage of opportunities — which helped them to success ; which, indeed, secured success. If opportunities do not fortuitously occur, then the man of earnest purpose proceeds to make them for himself. He looks for help everywhere. There are many roads into Nature ; and if determined to find a path, a man need not have to wait long. He turns all accidents to account, and makes them promote his purpose. Dr. Lee, professor of Hebrew, at Cambridge, pursued his trade of a bricklayer up to twenty-eight years of age, and was first led to study Hebrew by becoming interested in a Hebrew Bible, which fell in his way when engaged in the repairs of a synagogue; but before this time he had been engaged in the culture 314 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, of his intellect, devoting all his spare hours and much of his nights to the study of Latin and Greek. So in the acquisition of a fortune, it is not accident that helps a man on in the world, but purpose and persistent in- dustry. These make a man sharp to discern opportunities, and to use them. To the sluggish and the purposeless, the happiest opportunities avail nothing ; they pass them by with indifference, seeing no meaning in them; Success- ful men achieve and perform, because they have the pur- pose" to do so. They "scorn delights, and live laborious days." They labor with hand and head. Difficulties serve only to draw forth the energies of their character. Doubtless Professor Faraday had difficulties to encounter in working his way up from the carpenter's bench to the highest rank as a scientific chemist and philosopher. " What ! " said John Hunter, the first of English sur- geons, originally a carpenter ; " is there a man whom diffi- culties dishearten, who bends to the storm ? He will do little. Is there one who will conquer? That kind of man never fails." Possibly a man may get another to do his work for him, but not to do his thinking for him. What if a man fails in one effort? Let him try again ! Let him try hard, try often, and he cannot fail ultimately to succeed. It is the man who prefers idleness to work, pleasure to industry, that meets with no success ; the man of so little worth, so little energy, that he would depend upon the fruits of the hard toil of others, who remains in a dependent situation. "There is something in resolution," says Walker, "which has an influence beyond itself. It marches on like a mighty lord among its slaves. When bent on good, it is almost the noblest attribute of man ; when on evil, the most dangerous." It is only by habitual resolution that men succeed to any great extent ; mere impulses are not THE TEST OF NOBLENESS. 315 sufficient. The idle, the self-indulgent, the lover of pleas- ure, need never hope for success, let their aims be what they may. In the United States, where wealth is held by such pre- carious tenure that those who are living in luxury one year may be seeking employment the next, it is the duty of every mother to see that her daughters, as well as her sons, are fitted for self-support. The daughters' chances for marriage will not be diminished by it, and their chances for happiness will be increased. If they are blessed with homes of their own, they will be all the better fitted for reigning in that kingdom which is their heritage. And if destiny denies them the happy life-work of happy wives and mothers, they will at least have more resources within themselves for happiness than those women possess who have not made systematic preparation for a life of usefulness. Fewer branches of study, and more thoroughness in each branch, should at least be insisted upon ; and where no inclination is felt to continue a course of study after school-life is ended, a course of reading should be taken up and systematically followed. In an age like the present, when so much is heard of professional education for women, university examinations, female suffrage, and the like, it is more than ever neces- sary for wives and mothers to fill their domestic vocations in a way that will show their capacity to serve in other ways, should it be necessary. Faithfulness in the dis- charge of the duties of private life gives testimony to capacity for faithfulness in any service. Those who are now systematically advocating the higher education X>f women, are constantly met with the question, "What do women want with a higher educa- tion ?" Mrs. William Grey, of London, who has written much upon this subject, answers this question in tha fol- S16 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. lowing manner : They want it because the duties allotted to women by the Creator's order, require the highest men- tal and moral discipline, and a low-minded mother injures society at its very root in the family. They want it because, by causes beyond their control, more and more women are driven to their own exertions for support, and can have no chance in the labor market if to their natural disadvantages be added the artificial one of want of train- ing. They want it because we live in revolutionary times, when the old beliefs, the old traditions which hedged round the lives of women, at least in a guarded path, are called in question in every newspaper, in every novel, and women can no longer walk, like children, in leading strings, but in this trial of all things must be taught to discern and hold fast that which is good. They want it because in the fierce competition of modern society the only class left in the country possessing leisure is that of women supported in easy circumstances by hus- band or father, and it is to this class we must look for the maintenance of cultivated and refined tastes, for that value and pursuit of knowledge and of art for their own sakes which can alone save society from degenerating into a huge machine for making money, and gratifying the love of sensual luxury. Finally, they want it because they, like men, were cre- ated in the image of God ; because to develop, and culti- vate, and perfect that divine element within them is their right and their duty. To these reasons, so ably given, another might be added: Women want a higher education that they may be fitted to become the " helpmeets," the companions, and the con- fidential advisers of their husbands, and niade capable of training the immortal souls, intrusted to their care, for THE TEST OF NOBLENESS. 317 fives of usefulness and happiness here and hereafter. No man, who does not know by experience, is able to estimate how much is gained from the daily companionship of a woman who is his equal in range of thought, who, after looking well to the ways of her household, is capable of entering into his plans, making wise suggestions, sharing his thoughts and his cares, and " directing his mind not less than engaging his heart." A writer upon " Marriage in France" says : Never was the need that women should be thoroughly instructed so urgent as it is now. The intellectual advance of man, which has been so rapid since the last century, calls for a corresponding advance in woman. This writer advocates the admission of women to the professions hitherto monopolized by men, upon the ground that the mere fact of the professions being open to them, will raise the level of their general education. He goes so far as to assert that unless our women are educated to become the companions of the men they marry, we shall never be entirely safe from the danger which has proved so fatal to France; that sinking gradually below tha intel- lectual level of men, they will in time imitate those "charming yet terrible little carnivora" of which Dumas speaks, for whom men sacrifice their fortunes, their honor, and their lives. This writer shows us that the evils which so often arise in wedded life are mainly attrib- utable to the want of that thorough education which fits women to be the companions of men intellectually. Turning from the nation of which he writes, he says : We shall not, therefore, inveigh against the French ; let us rather look to ourselves, and learn a lesson from their errors. The cardinal error, the prime mover of all the evils we have pointed out, lies in the education of women. We are not speaking merely of the work of governesses 318 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ' and school teachers ; we are speaking of the pressure exer- cised by society to fix women in one sphere of activity to the exclusion of all others, the popular notion being that women are intended by nature to be wives and mothers, nothing else; and as they must be wives before they are mothers, the whole effort of their training goes to make them pleasing, in order that men may be attracted to marry them. Furthermore, as they are to marry very early, it follows naturally that they must please by those attractions which are most powerful in youth, namely sexual attrac- tions. Hence their attention is concentrated upon their person, their dress, and all the provocations of coquettish- ness. Their mind remains void: they advance in years without acquiring those qualities of slower growth which alone can adorn maturity; and when they have captured a husband, they find themselves utterly unfit for companion- ship with him. The consequence of this state of things finds illustration everywhere. Alexandre Dumas says of society in France, in his pref- ace to "L'Ami des Femmes :" Society is threatened with destruction; no household is secure from the dissolute invaders ; they seat themselves at every board No matter, let them come ; they can destroy nothing but what is worthy of destruction ; they will rid us of the ruins and the rubbish which would hinder a new society from arising out of the old. Their mission is to destroy in the society of our day the element which has proved fatal to all societies gone by, the most pernicious element exist- ing^ — the idle-handed ! When they shall have eaten up inheritance, property will renew itself by labor ; when they shall have decomposed our families, better families will constitute themselves. They will furnish, together with their victims, the manure needed by the social soil for its THE TEST OF NOBLENESS. 819 mysterious germs. When there is nothing more to prey upon, they will die of inanition, and woman will reappear under a new form. This is the state of society against which we are warned, and which it is predicted will engulf us in turn, unless we educate our women to a higher standard, and rid our- selves of our idle men. Before the reign of Edward III, the word used for gentleman was iddk nan, the meaning of which was freeborn. In the reign of Henry YI, a gentleman was known as an idlemau, the word having the same meaning. It is to be feared that too many in our day confuse the word with idle man in their definition of a gentleman ; but, as £,uskin says, its primal, literal, and perpetual meaning is " a man of pure race," wellbred, in the sense that a horse or a dog is wellbred. The term has nothing whatever to do with the false meaning given to it now — that of a man living in idleness on other people's labor. When idleman in this sense is no longer associated with gentlemen, may we not hope that the false idea that an idle man is a gentleman will disappear so generally, that not one individual can be found to make the boast which some American men have been said to make, namely, that they have never earned a dollar in their lives ? The woman who works, as well as the man who works, should rise in the social as well as in the moral scale ; and they will so rise in the society of all true gentlemen and all true gentlewomen. Euskin attributes the want of a thorough understanding of the real meaning of this word gentleman to the fact that, while there are many who assert that the more a man works the more of one he is likely to become, they hold, at the same time, to the error that race is of no consequence ; the truth being that race is precisely of as much consequence in man as it is in any other animal. He tells us that no nation can prosper till both these errors 320 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. are got rid of; that gentlemen have to learn that it is no part of their duty or privilege to live on other people's toil ; that there is no* degradation in the hardest manual or the humblest servile labor, when it is honest; and that those who deny the existence of transmitted qualities have to learn that every vicious habit and chronic disease com- municates itself by descent; and that by purity of birth the entire system of the human body and soul may be grad- ually elevated, or by recklessness of birth degraded ; until there shall be as much difference between the wellbred and illbred human creature (whatever pains be taken with their education) as between a wolf-hound and the vilest mongrel cur. The knowledge of this great fact, he adds, ought to regulate the education of our youth, and the en- tire conduct of the nation. The same writer tells us,^en- tlemanliness, however, in ordinary parlance, must be taken to signify those qualities which are usually the evidence of high-breeding, and which, so far as they can be acquired, it should be every man's effort to acquire ; or, if he has them by nature, to preserve and exalt. Proceeding to note some of the characteristics of a gentleman, he names sensi- tiveness, sympathy, self-command to a certain extent, per- fect ease, openness, and that form of truthfulness which is opposed to cunning, yet not always opposed to falsity abso- lute. A cunning person seeks for opportunities to deceive ; a gentleman shuns them. A cunning person triumphs in deceiving; a gentleman is humiliated by the success, or, at least, by so much of the success as is dependent merely on the falsehood, and not on his intellectual superiority. The absolute disdain of all forms of falsehood belongs rather to Christian chivalry than to mere high-breeding. Though * A Ui^roughbred is always a thoroughbred, even though he comeE down to drawing a cart. THE TEST OF NOBLENESS. 321 Tightness of moral conduct is ultimately the great purifier of race, the sign of nobleness is not in this rightness of moral conduct, but in sensitiveness. How many, high in rank, would fail to bear the test, if sensitiveness were made the test. A story is told of a haughty Austrian princess who stood by her class with great persistency, and who was as much feared as she was admired. When Liszt was a young man, and at the height of his success and popularity, he visited Vienna, and was received at one of her receptions. The princess asked him how long since he had visited Vienna, how long he in- tended staying — they were surrounded by a fashionable crowd — and then, she added, with a mixture of haughty condescension and elegant insolence, as if dismissing him, " J'espere, Monsieur, que vous fassiez bien vos affaires." (I hope, sir, you may succeed in your business.) " Madame la prinoesse," replied Liszt, in his coal, lofty manner, which arrested the attention of every one, " Je ne me viele gu'avee art. Je n'ai point d'affaires. Affaires ! Tout cela appartient aux banquiers et diphmn,tes." (O prin- cess, I interest myself only in art. Business ! I have no business. All that sort of thing belongs to bankers and diplomates.) As the princess's husband was the diplomate par exeel- lence of the day, this reply was a hard retort, though, under the circumstances, a warranted one. Her own want of delicacy drew it down upon her, and all felt that she had merited the clever rejoinder. The story was told by a lady who was present. She said the scene was admirable. For one instant the two measured swords, figuratively, in the silence of the salon, then both bowed and parted. This was one of those cases in which duty did not require submission. There are impertinences and evils that must be put down at the moment, or the contamination of un- 21 322 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. rebuked ba.. example will spread like contagion. Rev. S. A. Brooke says : " None of the Old Testament saints were very patient with evil. It is true, Christ says, ' If a man smite thee on one cheek turn to him the other,' but he never meant that for a universal rule ; and if, in doing it, we were to promote injustice, and the oppression of others by the encouragement our patience gives to the oppressor, Christ, who did not turn his cheek in silence to the Pharisees, would be the first to say, ' That was not my meaning.' When the injury or the insult done to us is only personal, that is, begins and ends with us, it is our duty to take the spirit of the words of Christ to our heart, and to see what patience with the injurer will do. But when the injury has an evil influence on other lives, it is not our duty to submit, but to resist. Patience then would be ignoble." There are many mere pin-pricks received in society that should not be dignified with any notice whatever, too small even to come under the class of injuries to which it is our duty to submit with patience; but it is not every one who can bear such pin-pricks as coolly as did a cer- tain young man who, after a long absence from his native town (at college and abroad), came back to receive a studi- ously prepared insult from members of a committee arrang- ing for a festivity. The wires were pulled by an outsider, and the puppet used did his work so well that the young man was first asked to subscribe on account of want of funds, and then excluded from the list of subscribers. He was never heard to allude to it but once, and then after this fashion : " I am reminded of an illustration in ' Punch.' Two forlorn, rum-soaked, and seedy loafers are on one side of the street, a gentleman on the other. ' Bill, who is that swell over there ?' asked one of the rowdies. ' I don't know,' replied Bill, ' but he's a stranger, and let's heave a society's pin-pricks. 323 brick at him.' Now, I am in the situation of the stranger. 1 have been away nine years, the men on this committee do not know me, and consequently can have no grudge against me to satisfy, but this is the brick which they have got ready to welcome me home with." We do not make sufficient allowance for temperaments. What is easy for one to bear is difficult for another. Temperaments are born with the individual, while charac- ter depends upon early training and the daily effort of each individual. It is as easy for some to try to over- come evil with good, as it is for others to lie in wait for years to indulge the demon-born instinct of revenge. Some natures are like the tough caoutchouc, the prickly thorn, the stinging nettle; others like the sensitive mimosa, shrinking from all contact with the rough and rude. The latter never flourish, nor look, and do their best except in beds of their own species. They are never understood even, excepting by their own kind. This is why we so often find such differing views concerning one person pre- vailing in a community. " Haughty, dictatorial, self- seeking, suspicious," some say ; " genial, ardent, trusting, unselfish," others say. " You are too sensitive ; you care too much what people think; you go out of your way to make explanations; you treat people as though they all had feelings as fine as your own," said a gentleman to a lady. " It used to trouble me very much when people told me that I cared too much for the good opinion of others," she replied, "but I have learned that no human being can care too much for the good opinion of his kind so long as he cares more about being worthy of it. I used to try to deaden and benumb my sensitiveness, until I learned that we cannot change our original nature without spoiling it and committing spiritual suicide." 324 SEKSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Every power in politics, in the Church even, hears of acts attributed to him which it seems incredible could be believed by any who know him. The slanderer often has it all his own way ; for it is but seldom that hny opportu- nity is afforded for contradiction. Formerly the idea was that such slanders must be borne patiently. We have learned better in these days. The loathsome little viper that looks of too little consequence to crush in your garden walk, and that you would not willingly defile your own heel in crushing, creeps away to hatch brood after brood of its own kind, to spread their slime in after days over the fairest flowers that blossom on your turf. In the same way society has its vipers, its hissing adders, its venom-spitting reptiles, fostered in the hot-bed of a alander-loving, gossip^spreading home circle. And from them spring up, daily and hourly, some evils that must be borne patiently, for a time at least — since they are too petty to do battle, with — as well as those larger evils which must be crushed out on the moment with an iron heel, if they are ever to be crushed at all. No wife, no mother, no woman can be too sensitive con- cerning any charge against the integrity of her woman- hood. Such charges are the vipers that must be crushed on the instant. Of quite a different nature are those which she can wait her opportunity to deal with. " I heard of that excellent reproof that you administered to a young girl who came to your ball without answering your invitation," said a lady to a relative. " What do you mean ? Do you think me capable of reproving a guest for any remissness ?" " Why, I did not look at it in that light at all. I heard you told her that you did not expect to see her, as she had not answered your note of invitation, and I must confess I thought she deserved the reproof." SOCIETY'S PIN-PRICKS. 825 " However much she may have deserved it, she most certainly did not receive it," was the reply. Of such a nature are the pin-pricks that only pierce the skin. It is left for the Judases of society to cut to the heart sometimes ; they who kiss while betraying, who mingle the drop of gall so subtly with the drop of honey, that we know not from whence the bitterness proceeds ; they who, perhaps under the guise of affectionate censure of our conduct to others, awaken suspicions which were never harbored before, poisoning the sweet wells of living waters which are the sources of solace and refreshment in the green oasis of life's Sahara. Loyal souls, noble minds, are not able to take in the full extent of such treachery until the hour comes when the honey is exhausted, and only gall remains. Women whose natures are antagonistic to worldliness are seldom uuder^ stood by the worldly. . Indeed there are but few acts of any woman, worldly or unworldly, which do not bear an interpretation according to the narrowness or the breadth, the baseness or the nobleness of the mind interpreting them. An oblique moral vision, an envious disposition, and even a hasty judgment, may change the color of an act as much as a bit of smoked or stained glass changes a landscape. The exercise of patience under showers of degrading suspicions, unmerited accusations, and invented calumnies, though sometimes a noble patience, is at other times, as we have seen, an ignoble patience. One may say, v/hile accepting the situation, and enduring all that is unavoid- able, "My life is so rich with blessings, ought I not, with the Persian king, to welcome these little grievances and annoyances as perhaps averting some greater misfortune?" Those who have drawn prizes in the lottery of life should not suffer their hearts to harden toward the drawers of 326 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. blanks ; nor yet should they forget that Impatience 's sometimes as noble as patience. Every one who is able to say, " I have had good at the hands of God, shall I not now bear evil quietly ? — I will take my pain as well as my pleasure as coming from his loving hands," will find that the spirit becomes calm, under such trials, and that the calm of the spirit spreads to the Untellect. We wait, not inactively, but on the watch; we believe God has sent all discipline, even petty trials, for our good and our growth; and waiting thus, bearing the in- evitable, a time arrives when noble impatience comes to do its work. We have no notion now of bearing what we can avoid,.of folding our hands in ignoble patience upon the tomb of our higher selves. We accept the trial, whatever it may be, with the patience which produces labor, and the end is that we are not overcome of evil, but that our lives and our works will give the lie to traducers and de- fa mers. Ignoble patience grows out of noble impatience. The latter begins by crying out against fate, destiny. Providence itself, spending our anger upon our dependents, making home miserable, and the atmosphere of our own lives stormy and turbid, turning the good which God intended the diffi- culty to do us into evil, and; having made it evil, we are in the end overcome by the evil. Then comes ignoble patience bidding us to do nothing, since it is the tyranny of fate, from which there is no escaping ; and with what result if we. follow its slothful counsels? The death of the soul, and the stupor of its faculties for this present life at least. What we call fate is simply the universe telling us we have taken a wrong path, and that we had better make haste and find another. Everything goes down before a healtliy human will which believes in God, and does not worry TRUE EDUCATION. 327 «bout the morrow while working in the present. The world soon comes round to our side if we let it know that it is not our master. All we have to do is to do our work steadily among men, and for others as well as for ourselves, believing that it is God who does the work in us, and is helping the world through us. Our children should be trained as those who will have to go on with this work, for the sake of the truths and thoughts on whose support the cause of mankind rests ; to run directly counter, if nec- essary, to the opinions of society, and so to develop all affections that they may last, still beautiful, still true, in a glory which will outlast time. Our training here is but the beginning of an eternal progress. We need not be dis- turbed or hurried in our work on ourselves or on others. We can afford to learn our lessons with the slowness which will make them sweet and strong. We can afiTord to be patient with the evil and the uncharitableness that we see around us, if we exercise that noble patience which leads to the impatience that overcomes all evil in the end. By so developing our own natures into strength, by having experienced difficulties and overcome them, we are fitted to aid others in the work of self-improvement. In women's hands, as mothers and teachers, lies the work of moulding and forming the minds and the character of the next gen- eration. According to the narrowness or the broadness of their interpretation of the word "education" will that generation bear testimony to the thoroughness of their work. Let us, then, keep in memory the truth, that both manners and morals are so intimately connected with edu- cation that we are responsible for the growth or for the disappearance of snobbishness in those confided to our care, as we are for their right instruction in the duties of life — duties which leave no men, no women, any hours of idleness to corrode their characters, or breed plague-spots 328 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. on their lives. When idleness disappeais from communi- ties, snobbishness goes with it ; and when snobbishness has gone, there will be less of bad manners left to contend with or to suppress. An education whose aims and extent are wider than at present is what is needed to meet the requirements of our daughters' lives. An education which will encourage an habitual reference of life to higher motives than personal ones, higher even than those which belong to the family ; which will give in the young vivid interest in social questions, — such a knowledge of government, and of the history of other countries, as to enable them in after-life to enter into those movements which are likely to bear on the progress of mankind. An education which will help them to live a natural, healthy, God-fearing life, putting duty before feeling, and self-sacrifice before passion. To go to the root of education, and see what was meant by the word in the former ages of the world's history, we find that among the ancient Persians, and in the best times of the Greeks, the word meant what a man was and tvhat he could do^ not what he knew. The oldest summary of education is that of the Persians of Cyrus: "To ride, to shoot with the bow, to speak the truth ;" that is, the accomplished military chevalier — to manage the horse, to handle the best instrument of warfare known, and, finally, to speak the truth ; not in the narrow sense of not telling lies, but the attitude of the whole nature in its integrity, honor, and fearless loyalty ; in short, in the establish meirt of perfect habits. The perfect man is he who has all the perfect habits of mind and body. Education is the agency by which these perfections are created. Education, then, is not so much knowledge as capacity. A wide difference between it and the three E.'s for one class of persons; the cramming for examination of another class. It is nc* life's SHIPWRECKa. 329 strange that so many lives are wrecked when we see how few are furnished with proper tools to do the work of life. Idleness, ignorance, and their companions, jealousy, hatred, revenge, love even, where it is wrong, these are the things which wreck lives. There are few who will not have to meet the gale, and stagger under its blow, few who at one time or another will not have to stru^le or re- sist, conquer or yield to its force. Let it smite the ship unprepared, and all is over with it. One who has gone through and conquered such a storm, can conquer all storms thereafter ; but it is better for those who are caught in it, to sail out of it, to ride head to the wind until the storm blows itself out, for if one rope gives way, all is over ; so strained to utmost tension is everything, that if one sheet be snapt, all snaps with it. A character which has not been strengthened by proper education and by principle may drop down in such a storm, like a thing smitten with paralysis. A song, a softer day than 'usual, a sudden association, a sudden cry of the heart. The will is seized by the tyrant emotion, and the ship strikes in midnight darkness on the craggy ledge, and all is over. As these shipwrecks of life are oftener made by the idle than the occupied, it is another reason why mothers should seek occupation for their daughters, as well as for their sons, — why they should seek to make them strong and true, instilling self-control, laying firm and solid the foundations upon which each individual builds up his or her character. Then will our sons and daughters grow up, not victims of evil, but victorious over evil. 330 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER XI. EEQUIKEMENTS FOK HAPPINESS IK MARKIBD LIFB — THB MAKEIAGE CEKEMONT " All Eepublicans of gentle birth admit the instinct which loads •like ' to match with ' like,' an equality of blood and race." — Bulwer. " The evils arising from the excessive liberty permitted to American youth cannot be cured by laws. If we are ever to root it out, it must begin at the very bottom. Family life must be reformed For children parental authority is the only sure guide. Coleridge well said that he who was not able to govern himself must be gov- erned by others, and experience has shown that children of civilized parents are as little able to govern themselves as the children of sav-. ages The liberty, or rather the license of our youth will have to be curtailed. As our society is becoming complex and arti- ficial, like older societiesin Europe, our children will have to approxi- mate to them in status, and parents will have to waken to a sense of their responsibilities, and postpone their ambitions and their pleasures to their duties." — Review of Statements made hy Mr. Oom- stock, Special Agent of Post Office Jiepartment. " Though fools spurn hymen's gentle powers. We, who improve the golden hours, By sweet experience know That marriage, rightly understood, Gives to the tender and the good A paradise below." — Cotton. It is greatly to be regretted that in America tlie circum- stances which most tend to make or mar women receive so little attention. Upon our daughters are usually centred all that generosity and the sincerest affection can bestow. They are carefully educated, liberally provided for, and no safeguard can too vigilantly protect these treasures from HAPPINESS IN MARRIED LIFE. 331 disease, from the contamination of evil, and from vulgarity of manner. A girl's natural protectors know by experi- ence, if not by intuition, that her purity is her chief at- traction to honorable manhood, that a certain coyness which hides the secrets of her nature, and a quiet dignity which reserves the charms which heaven has bequeathed her, for him upon whom she bestows the treasures of her heart, embody the allurements which men desire their wives to possess. They know that virginal freshness is a power respected by the most depraved, and that with true men the influence of such wives is almost omnipotent. In other countries this truth is so fully realized that daugh- ters are guarded by the vigilance of parents, in their scru- tiny of all the men who enter their households. With us, the social freedom of which we boast, deprives parents of their prerogative, and not unfrequently brings sad results in its train. Does any right-thinking man, asks a journal- ist, choose as a life companion, and for the mother of his children, a woman whose real self was long ago given to others? Marriage is an actual partnership which has more to do with our prosperity than any other, and here we find the reason why one of the parties so often puts in fraudulent capital ; for it is a fraud when a woman brings to her husband, or a man to his wife, worn-out affections, stale hackneyed emotions, writes an able journalist. It has been said, it is the mother who moulds the char- acter and fixes the destiny of the child. It is, then, her province to guard well her daughters, that the bloom of innocence may not be brushed off by wanton hands, but protected and preserved for him who will most value it — her husband. If the mother leaves her daughter un- guarded, to receive attentions authorized in these days, without any of the restraints of parental presence, she may feel sure that the man with whom her child is thrown will 332 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. treat her with a liberty which is graduated by her indi- vidual character, but which is inevitably a liberty. The man has no idea of dishonoring or even injuring her in public esteem, but he accepts the intimacy or friendship of the young girl as one of the good things which society offers him ; he would be a dull fool if, when lovely Thais is left to sit beside him, he did not take the goods the gods provided him Here is one of the results of this social freedom. Any man is at liberty to gain the affec- tions of the young girl. He may mean marriage, or he may not mean marriage, it is all the same. Instead of the prompt exclusion that he merits from the parents, simply as a protection for their child, American society rules that the father and mother of the girl shall remain passive. The man may be the most desirable or the most unsuitable husband for the daughter, but they have no right to speak until he formally proposes. If they shall "ask his intentions," according to the national custom of our forefathers, the girl herself would be the first to rebel, on the ground that she was made ridiculous, and that her " friend " was mistaken for her lover. When her friend betakes himself to fresh fields, the woman controls her dis- appointments as she can, and marries somebody for an establishment or a home. Here we have the key to much of the unhappiness of modern married life, to the intimacies that spring up be- tween single men and married women, and to their shame be it said, between young unmarried women and married men. Happy marriages are founded upon various condi- tions. Respect for the object of fancy is as necessary to abiding happiness as that the heart should be interested. There should be social equality, intellectual sympathy, and sufficient means. A great many people are hopelessly estranged by a social gulf between the families of the wife HAPPINESS IN MARRIED LIFE. 833 and husband. The man, if it is he wJio has faced the risk, will find in the end that he has made a sacrifice, for which he has grievously miscalculated the cost. "The wife, stung by the discovery that her husband does not feel her au adequate compensation for all that he has lost, loses all desire to help him bear the evil, which, in the headstrong impulse of early youth, blindly set on its own personal gratification, he has brought upon himself, and so two lives must become soured and spoiled, if neither has strength to keep itself sweet in a life where fretting cares are doubled instead of divided, from want of congeniality. Or it may be the wife that finds her ideal is made of clay ; that the noble qualities with which she has endowed her lover have no existence in the husband, and that they are drifting farther'and farther apart as the years pass on, — a terrible punishment for a hasty, ill-advised marriage. Intellectual sympathy is another condition of fireside hap- piness. Let the woman's first requisite be a man who is domestic in his tastes, and the man's first object be a woman who can make his home a place of rest for him. The beautiful in heart is a million times of more avail, as securing domestic happiness, than the beautiful in person. They who marry for physical characteristics or external considerations, will fail to find happiness in their homes. As we should say to women who wish for domestic happi- ness, never marry a pleasure-seeker, an idle man, so we would say to men, never marry any but an intelligent woman, for after purity, quite the next best thing is that good sense which comes with intelligence. It is the best of dowries. There is no burden on earth like a foolish woman tied to a competent man, with the one exception of a false woman. No beauty, no sweetness, can compen- sate for the absence of clear thought and quick comprehen- sion. 334 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Many men have a secret belief that intelligence and the domestic virtues cannot go together ; that a wife who cari feel intellectual interests will never be content to stay at home and look after the children ; that a clever woman will, above all, be incapable of worshipping themselves. There never was a theory more unreasonable, more mis- chievous, or more unfounded; for there is more capacity of affection, of domesticity, and of self-sacrifice in the able than in the foolish. He who has two oars in his boat has a great advantage over the man who has but one. Cultivation diminishes selfishness, and by enlarging the field of thought makes us more fit to bear the harassing cares and troubles of the world, and raises us above petty jealousies and prejudices, softening the heart, and making us more kind and consid- erate to others. Another essential for happiness in mar- ried life is trust. Love without trust is no love at all. From the moment a man puts his heart into the hands of a woman, she has the responsibility of his life. Hence- forth her personal qualities are so much positive or nega- tive quantity added to his own. If the motto of both be : I could not love thee, dear, so much, Loved I not honor more, the woman will be, in her own way, her lover's Beatrice, raising and lighting him with her own spiritual nature, and purifying the current of earthly love with the water of life itself. Theirs is emphatically true love, refining and ennobling each. Once engaged, a girl has need to take care that her spirits and love of notice do not betray her into looks and words disloyal to her lover and unfair to other men. She may be secure in her heartfelt allegiance to him, but to toy with it is not only unsafe but wrong. Coquetry HAPPINESS IN MARRIED LIFE. 335 has been compared to the thorn which guards the rose, flirtation to the slime of a worm that has crept over the fair petals. Moral and religious sympathy is another requisite ; not that the two characters should be precisely similar. It is a great deal better that it should not be so, otherwise there is nothing to learn and everything to lose. Faults are intensified and hardened, even goodness has less en- couragement to grow. Moreover, the same sort of quality in a man is somewhat different in a woman, made different in the purpose of God. Rather, while supplementing each other's deficiencies, bearing with each other's infirmi- ties, and encouraging each other's impulses for good, hus- band and wife should be walking side by side on the same clear path of moral purpose and social usefulness with joint hope of immortality. Men, as they look down the vista of the past, can re- member how they were devoted to women, the memory of whom fails to call up anything but a vague sort of won- der how they ever could have fallen into the state of in- fatuation in which they once were. The same with women. There have been heart-breaking separations be- tween those who have learned that the sting of parting does not last forever. Even the heart, which has been lacerated by a hopeless or misplaced attachment, when severed from the cause of its woe, gradually heals and prepares itself.to receive fresh wounds from bodies which are present aud patent to its senses, for affection requires either a constant contemplation of, or intercourse with its object to keep it alive. The proverb, "A young man married is a young man marred," must have had its origin in the fact that the choice of a man at twenty-one is not such as he would make at a more mature stage of his existence ; but whatever be the age when his courtship 336 SENSIBLE ETIQtJBTTE. commences, he must not weary the object of his devotion ■with too much of his presence. A man ought always to be able to judge whether he will be favorably heard before he ventures upon his offer. When accepted he must avoid all airs of mastership, all foolish displays of jealousy, remembering that quarrels impair mutual respect and diminish love. The lady must not be capricious or exacting, and both should remember that they are in the first stage of what is to be a life-long friendship, and should cultivate the utmost degree of mutual candor, confidence, and sympathy. It must surely be unnecessary to hint that no approach towards familiar- ity must ever be indulged in. The most perfect reserve in courtship, even in cases of the most ardent attachment, is indispensable to the confidence and trust of married life to come. All public displays of devotion should be avoided. They tend to lessen mutual respect and make the actors ridiculous in the eyes of others. It is quite possible for a man to show every conceivable attention to the lady to whom he is engaged, and yet to avoid committing the slightest offence against delicacy or good taste. No wellbred woman will receive a man's attentions, how- ever acceptable, too eagerly ; nor will she carry reserve so far as to be altogether discouraging. It is quite possible for a man to show attention and even assiduity up to a certain point, without becoming a lover ; and it is equally possible for the lady to let it be seen that he is not disagreea- ble to her, without actually encouraging him. No man likes to be refused, and no man of tact will risk a refusal. The gentleman pi'esents the lady with a ring as soon as they are engaged. Flowers she can always accept. A sensible man will not give more presents than he can justly afford. It is the privilege of the mother of the fianede to fix the wedding day of the daughter. The THE MARKIASE CEREMONY. 337 trousseau should be in accordance with the means. It is not wise or well for ladies of limited means to provide themselves with showy outfits. "New York Social Etiquette" says: "'The Home Journal ' ia expected to gazette the engagement very soon after it is made known to kinspeople and intimate friends. Acquaintances are thus informed of the new relation, and the proper felicitations are expressed in the usual manner. Not unfrequently this journal is selected as the only medium through which an announcement of an approach- ing marriage is made to the world outside of the home of the bride. The propriety of adopting this method of com- municating with society at large is approved by our high- est authorities in polite affairs. This journal occupies the same position, and serves the same purposes for our repub- lic as the court journals in Europe." After the marriage invitations are issued, the fianode does not appear in public. It is also de rigueur that she does not see the bridegroom on the wedding-day until they meet at the altar. Only relatives and the most intimate friends are asked to be bridemaids — the sisters of the bride and the bride- groom where it is possible. The bridegroom chooses his best man and the ushers from his circle of relatives and friends of his own age and from the relations of his fiancee of suitable age. The dresses of the bridemaids are not given unless their circumstances are such as to make it necessary. The bridal costume most approved for young brides is of white silk, high corsage, a long, wide veil of white tulle reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden blush roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can continue to wear, but the orange blossoms are only suitable for the ceremony. No jewelry of any description, for when she goes up to 22 338 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the altar she is still a young girl, but she leaves it with the privilege of ever after appearing at her will in diamonds, thick silks, expensive laces and cashmere shawls, where her husband's means permit these indulgences. The bride breakfasts in her room and meets the bride- groom for the first time that day at the altar. The bride- groom and ushers wear full morning dress, dark blue, or dark frock-coats, light neckties and light trousers. The bridegroom wears white gloves ; the ushers wear gloves of some delicate color. White neckties are not worn with frock-coats under any circumstances. Nothing black is ad- missible at a wedding in England. In France, the mothers of the bride and bridegroom frequently wear black velvet gowns and black lace bonnets with some bright color in the garniture of both gowns and bonnets, and the bride- groom is married in full evening dress, although the bride always wears a high corsage and long sleeves. Where the bride makes presents to bridemaids on her wedding day, they generally consist of some article of jewelry, not costly, and given more as a memento of the occasion than for its own intrinsic worth. The bridegroom sometimes gives his groomsmen a scarfpin of some quaint device as a memento of the day, and as a slight acknowl- edgment of their services. ' Where there are no bridemaids nor ushers, the order of the ceremonies is as follows : The members of the bride's family set off before the bride. She follows with her mother. The bridegroom awaits themand gives his arm to the mother. They walk up the aisle to the altar, the mother falling back to her position oA the left. The father, or relative representing the father, conducts the bride to the bridegroom, who stands at the altar-steps with his face turned towards her as she approaches, and the father falls back to the left. The relatives follow, taking THE MARRIAGE CEREMONT. 339 their places standing ; those of the bride to the left, tliose of the groom to the right, as previously arranged in the rehearsal — for a rehearsal should always precede the cere- mony by a day or two. After kneeling at the altar a moment, the bride, standing on the left of the bridegroom, takes the glove oif from her left hand, whilst he takes the glove off from his right. The service then begins. The father of the bride gives her away by bowing when the question is asked, which greatly simplifies the part formerly assigned to him of stepping forward and placing his daugh- ter's hand in the hand of the clergyman. Perfect self-control should be exhibited by all parties during the ceremony ; nothing is more undignified than exhibitions of feeling in public. People who are unable to control their emotions should stay at home. The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's right arm. They pass down the aisle without looking to the right or to the left. It is considered very bad form to recognize acquaintances by bows and smiles while in the church. The bride and bridegroom drive away in their own car- riage, the rest follow in their carriages. Where the circle of friends on both sides is very exten- sive, it has of late become customary to send invitations to such as are not called to the wedding-breakfast to attend the ceremony at church. This stands in place of issuing cards. No one must think of calling on the newly-mar- ried who has not received either an invitation to the cere- mony at church, or cards after their establishment in their new home. The following explicit directions as to the latest New York form for conducting the marriage ceremony are prin- cipally from the " Home Journal." When the bridal party has arranged itself for entrance, 340 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up to the altar and turn to the right, keeping step to the organ music. Behind them follows the groom, alone. When he reaches the altar he turns, faces the aisle, and watches intently for the coming of his bride. Of course, he does not permit his attention to be distracted from the object of present paramount in- terest. After a very slight interval the bridemaids follow him, in pairs if there be but few, and they turn to the left. Another very brief interval of waiting, and the bride, alone and entirely veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her companions. The groom comes forward a few steps to meet her, takes her hand, and places her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The parents of the bride having followed her, stand just behind her, and slightly at the left. The service by the clergyman now proceeds as usual. All churches, at present, use the ring and vary the sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs and ideas of their own rites. A jewelled ring has been for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but at present a plain gold circlet, with the date of the en- gagement inscribed within, is generally preferred. This ring is removed by the groom at the altar, passed to the clergyman, and used in the ceremony. A jewelled ring is placed upon her hand by the groom on the way home from the church, or as soon after the service as is convenient. It stands guard over its precious fellow, and is a confirma- tion of the first promise. When the bride and bridegroom are passing out of church, the bridemaids follow slowly, each upon the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten onward as speedily as possible to welcome the bride at her own door, and to arrange themselves about the bride and groom, in the salon, half of the ladies upon her side and half upon his, the first bridemaid retaining the place of honor. The ushers, THE MAKKIAOE CEREMONY. 341 at the door of the sahn, offer themselves as escorts to parties who arrive slowly from the church, conducting them to the bridal party, there presenting them by name. This an- nouncement becomes necessary when two families and two sets of friends are brought together for the first time. If ladies are present without gentlemen, the ushers are careful to accompany them to the breakfast or refreshment room, or provide them with attendants, after which the ladies can easily manage to be comfortable by themselves. The room for bridal presents is no longer thrown open to guests. Indeed, the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse along with the universal funeral bouquet. It is not any more considered good form to talk about these contributions. Of course the bride acknowledges every gift that she receives by a note written with her own hand, but that is all. If the wedding occur in the evening, the only difference in the ceremonials of the morning is that the ushers or groomsmen wear full toilette, and the bridal pair retire quietly to dress for their journey before the dancing party disperses, and thus leave unobserved. At the morning wedding only bridemaids, ushers, and relatives remain to witness the departure of the pair. If the newly wedded commence life in a home of their own, it is customary to issue "at home" cards for a few evenings at no distant date, unless the marriage occurs in early summer, when these informal receptions are delayed until autumn. Only such persons are invited as the young people choose to keep as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain. It is an easy and sensible opportunity for carefully rearranging one's social list, be- cause there are limitations to hospitality, which are fre- quently more necessary than agreeable. This list of old friends and acquaintances cannot be too seriously considered 842 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and sifted, and no moment is so favorable as at the begin- ning of housekeeping. This custom of arranging a fresh list is admitted as a social necessity, and nobody is offended. The entry of the bridal party to the church may be varied to suit the taste, but care should be taken to avoid dramatic effects while endeavoring to be picturesque and impressive. If the formality described be followed, the parties adopting it will be certain to find precedents for their style among the highest social circles of New York. But there are timid brides, who prefer to ad- here strictly to the fashion of their grandmothers, and gain content in the imitation of a long line of worthy examples. In such cases the brideraaids first pass up the a,isle, each with a gentleman on whom to lean (this style is almost strictly an American fashion), they turn at the altar, the ladies going to their left and the gentlemen to their right, and the groom follows, bearing his destined mother-in-law on his arm. This lady he seats, as speedily as politeness permits, in a convenient front pew at his left. The bride follows, clinging to the arm of her father, or if she be orphaned, her next of kin supports her on her way to her expectant groora. At her left, and just a step or two back of her, her father waits until asked to give her away, which he does by taking her right hand and placing it in that of the clergyman. After this brief but important formality, he joins the lady who entered with the groom and becomes her escort. The father and mother pass out of the church just behind the bridal company. Sometimes, in America, if there are no bridemaids, the ushers walk into church in pairs, just in advance of the groom, and parting at the altar, half stand at one side and half at the other. While the clergyman is congratulating the bride they pass out in pairs, a few yards in advance of the married party. THE MAKBIASE CEREMONY. 343 Weddings at home vary but little from those at church. The music, the assembling of friends, and the descent of the bridal party, and their enti-ee, to the position selected are just the same. An altar of flowers and the place for kneeling can be easily arranged at home. The space be- hind the altar need be no wider than is required for the clergyman to stand. The altar is generally only a high fender or railing, entirely wound and concealed by greenery or blossoms. Whatever other floral accessories are desired, such as the marriage-bell, horseshoe, or a white dove, etc., can be arranged with ease by a skilled florist. When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the party turn in their places, and face their friends, who wait to con- gratulate them. If space be of importance, the kneeliug- stool, and even the floral altar may be removed a little later, without observation. The latter, however, is usually pushed b^ick against the wall, and adds to the decorative part of the festivity. Calls and card-leaving by all the guests, upon the family of the bride, are a rigorous formality within ten days after the wedding. The marriage ceremonial of a widow differs only in the not wearing of the veil and the orange blossoms. She may be costumed in white, and have her maids at the altar if she pleases. This liberty has been given to her only within a few years, and refined taste will determine her in these matters. On her wedding cards of invitation her maiden name is used as a part of her proper name ; this is but respect to her parents. Having dropped the initials of her deceased husband when she lays aside her crapes, she uses her own Christian name. If she have sons or unmarried daughters at the time she becomes again a wife, she prefixes the last name of her children to her new one on all ceremonious occasions in which they 344 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. are interested in common with herself. This respect is really due to them, and etiquette permits it, although our social usages do not imperatively command its adoption. Of course the formalities which follow the marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated in the same manner as those of a younger bride. Circumstances must control the entertainments which follow the marriage of a widow, and no fixed forms can be arranged for them. A quiet taste and refined sentiments are the best regulators of these civilities. Fashion and common-sense unite in condemning the harassing bridal tour, prescribing a honeymoon of repose, exempted from all claims of society. It is no longer de rigueur to maintain any secrecy as to their plans for travelling where the newly married depart upon a tour. The bride drops her middle name if she desires to do so, taking her family name. Wedding breakfasts have been spoken of in another chapter. For the enlightment of those readers who live at a dis- tance from our most important social centres, the following information is given as to our latest forms for invitations to marriages. The invitation should be engraved in script. Neither visiting cards nor invitations are admis- sible in old English or German text. Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Vivian request your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Miss Bella E. Vivian, to Mr. Beresford Chesterfield, On Thursday, October Wth, at twelve o'cloeJt. Grace Church, Clarendon Square. THE MARRIAOK CEREMONY. 345 This invitation requires no answer. Friends living in other towns and cities, receiving it, inclose their cards, and send by mail. Residents call on the family of the bride within the prescribed time, or as soon after as it is possible. The invitation to the wedding breakfast is inclosed in the same envelope, generally conveyed on a square card, the same size as the sheet of note-paper which bears the invitation for the ceremony, after it has been once folded across the middle. The following is one of the adopted forms : At Home Thursday morning, October 8th, from twelve until three o'clock, 8 Clarendon Square. The separate cards of the bride and the bridegroom are no longer necessary. The card of admission to the church is narrower, and plainly engraved in large script. Grace Church, Ceremony at eleven o'clock. Generally, only half an hour intervenes between the ceremony and the reception. The order of the religious part of the marriage ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs. The appointed master of ceremonies is expected to be present as soon as the church doors are opened, as the spectacle of an awning and carpet in front of any edifice is a signal that halts the footsteps of all the idlers of the street. He takes good care that the white ribbon which is stretched across the main aisle, is placed far enough from the altar to provide sufiBcient room for every invited guest, remem- bering that ladies in grand toilette require ample space. SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Sometimes an arch of flowers, mounted on wire netting by the florist, is arranged to divide those who wear the wed- ding garments from those who do not. The organist must be early at his post, with the list of compositions which he is expected to play during the arrival of the audience. The ushers, chosen from among the friends of both fam- ilies, stand by the inner entrance of the church, and offer their arms to escort the ladies, as they enter, to their proper seats in the church. If a lady be accompanied by a gentleman, he follows her to her seat. These ushers, knowing the two families, understand where to place the nearer and where the remoter kinspeople of the bridal party, the groom's friends being arranged upon the right of the entrance, and the bride's upon the left. This dis- tribution of guests places the father or guardian of the bride at the proper place during the ceremony. After the service, the ushers act as cavaliers of the bride- maids at the reception. The ushers wear dark frock-coats and light trousers, light neckties, and gloves of some deli- cate tint, like pearl-gray or lavender, perhaps to match the trousers. Those friends who receive the "At Home" invitations, acknowledge them as soon as received, and never fail to accept where there are no reasons to prevent. The guests bidden to a marriage in the house, or to a marriage feast following the ceremony in church, are in the same position as are they who receive an invitation from royalty. They do not feel at liberty to decline from any whim. Cards are afterwards left on the bride's family by those who are invited to the church, as well as by those who are invited to the house. Bridemaids and ushei's should allow nothing short of illness or some unavoidable accident, to prevent them from officiating, thus showing their appreciation of the friend- AFTER MARRIAGE. 347 ship which has caused their selection at this, the most im- portant event in life. Sometimes by reason of sudden mourning, some one of the bridemaids or ushers are prevented from attending, re- quiring a substitute to be found at the last moment. This is no easy task, for no one likes to call upon other than their most irtimate friends for such services ; but where it is necessary to do so, the reasons should be well understood, that no opportunity may be given for the invidious and un- charitable comments which are always made, when the bride or bridegroom, from complex motives, select their attend- ants for reasons other than relationship and past intimacy. After marriage both husband and wife should remember that it is in home companionship that deference is most needed to lift the dulness out of our lives, and send the light of poetry into the heaviness of little cares, that in the home circle the forms of courtesy are by far the most precious, fiUiug the atmosphere of daily existence with their fragrance. Self-abnegation is one of the lessons which love teaches, and where marriage is made a matter of moral judgment, it becomes the habit and not the exception, each striving to yield in matters where it is right to yield, and firm only where duty is concerned. Neglect the whole world rather than one another. Never deceive, for the heart, once mis- led, can never trust wholly again. Never find fault unless some criticism is needed, and then make it with tender looks and loving words. Let all mutual accommodations be spontaneous, whole-souled, and free as air. The felicity of married life is in the mutual cultivation of usefulness. No man who remains a bachelor can hope for that degree of happiness and development which will come to him in married life, if his wife be loving and virtuous. In our land such women predominate everywhere. 348 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Never reflect on a past action, which was done with a good motive, and with the best judgment of the individual. Make allowances for each other's weaknesses, at the same time that you endeavor to repress them mutually ; and lastly, let every wife remember that the one unpardonable sin in the eyes of creation's lord is to make him uncom- fortable, mentally or physically. In other words, wives who wish to retain their husbands as lovers must never indulge in fits of temper, hysterics, or other habits, which, easy to conquer in the outset, grow and strengthen with indulgence. Equally important is it that husbands should control their tempers and their tongues, and always leave home with loving words, and return to it with pleasant greetings. In those homes, where, for the sake of mutual improve- ment, the husband and wife have agreed to receive and give corrections in a kind spirit, there are they preparing themselves for the work which God gives to parents, of training lives for usefulness here and hereafter. Faithful unto death in all things, should be the motto of both, and forbearance with each other's peculiarities, their never-ending effort to attain. The glamour of court- ship having given place to the realities of life, they must accept the inevitable where they have made the mistake of an ill-assorted marriage and endure until the end, for better or for worse as it may be, for in so doing can they find their only consolation for having rashly failed to test their fitness for a lifelong companionship before it was too late. Duty without love is like thorns without roses, and such too often is married life to those whom glamour has led into it. But glamour is not always confined to courtship, and it is a happy thing when true, pure, and well-placed love sustains and beautifies married life with its continu- ance. There are other examples of glamour, which are not AFTER MARRIAGE. 349 SO desirable. Some journalist says : No lessons learned by experience, however sharply taught and sadly conned, can enlighten the numbed senses which love has sent to sleep by its magic fascination ; and things as plain as the sun in heaven to others, are dark as night, unfathomable as the sea, to those who let themselves love before they prove. Glamour can make an unsuspecting honest-hearted man give his good old family name and personal honor into the keeping of a woman who has not one qualification to make her a worthy custodian of either, and very many •which one might have thought would have made any wise man hesitate before he gave himself and his precious treas- ures into such perilous guardianship. He alone ignores what all other men know ; he alone believes where others moi"e than doubt. Yet the man whom she holds in thrall loves her, and marries to his ruin a nineteenth century Circe, who, if she does not transform him into a swine, does lower the tone of his mind so that she makes him accept dishonor for fame, and humiliation for glory. An- other, who finds Solomon's " crown of glory," thinks no more of his treasure than if it were an every-day trouve, and lets what might have been the sweetness of his mar- ried life run to waste through neglect and indifference. Again, it may be a young girl who is doomed to expe- rience its mortal blindness, accepting a man's attentions, and faithfully believing that he is honestly seeking in her his fitting life-companion. All his loving looks, and subtle, vague, suggestive words, which may mean any- thing, and to which he gives the meaning by his looks ; all his pretended confidences and crafty bids for sympathy, meant nothing but a selfish seeking of his own pleasure. Had she not been under the delusive glamour of love, she would have listened to her parents' counsels, and frus- trated his cruel aims. 350 SENSIBLE ETIQUBTXE. Or some inexperienced yonth may be entrapped by the wiles of a fair coquette before he knows where he is, though every one else can see the run of the lines and the shape of the trap, and more than one have spoken words of warn- ing, or called out to him to mind his ways. But under the spell he runs headlong into the jaws of ruin ; for there are some loyal hearts which can never shake off the effects of the glamour by which they have been led and betrayed, and who thenceforth lose their faith in the womanhood that they have trusted in as a Christian trusts in his Redeemer. No, to prove all things, and hold fast to that which is proved, is not the course of the man or woman who is under this glamour; yet, for lasting happiness in mar- ried life there is no more important requirement than this. In it is the true aspect and scope of duty to themselves and to each other ; this it is which keeps husbands and wives faithful unto death. Faithfulness makes our liffe with any one almost divine, for it seems to give the enduringness of God to human love, and bestows on it the beauty and colors of eternity. There is no comfort on this earth, which shakes ever beneath our feet, like that we feel when we can say, " I possess one on whose character and heart I can lean as on a rock." There is even a touch of heaven in affections which are guilty, when they are faithful unto death. He, then, who finds faithfulness on earth, finds a pearl of great price, for which he might sell all his goods, and live in poverty content. But how infinitely rare it is — so rare that it is hard to believe it exists at all in the perfection we demand. There is nothing for which we ask so much proof, and we do not give it faith till we have proved it, after years of trial, says Rev. Stopford Brooke. It is the one thing in which we make the least allow- AFTER MARRIAGE. 851 ance for the weakness of human nature, for unless it is perfect we do not care for it. All its beauty lies in its being without a flaw. If it is stained, even in the slight- est, if a falsehood touches it, if, in a moment of vanity or heedlessness, something is done which is untrue to its strong delicate life, it is faithfulness no longer. The divinity of it passes away, and the thing is now of the earth, earthy. No wonder, then, that we want proof of this quality. It is far too great and dear a thing to trust in lightly, for the ruin is too terrrible almost for flesh and blood to bear, if, having truly trusted in the faithfulness of any one, it fail us in the end. To believe in the fidel- ity of love, and to abhor one's self afterwards for one's be- lief — no one will lightly expose himself to that who has once known the overwhelming misery of it. No one should ever trust to the faithfulness of man or woman, until it has been found to be as true in temptation as in its absence, in adversity as in joy. This may, at first thought, seem to make too great a demand on feeble human nature ; but men and women of thought and character, do not choose to enter lightly into such relations as ask for, or promise to give, absolute faithfulness, lest they should expose themselves to a treach- ery which may darken all their lives. They only ask much when this one quality is in the case, and when they give or receive it, they must give it and have it at its best. It must be faithfulness unto death. For the rest of life they do not make half as large demands as the thoughtless do. They do not expect their leaders in politics or religion to be always true to the highest ; they do not expect per- fection of character in their friends, or unfailing justness and kindness, or perfect sympathy in sorrow, or unforgetfulness in absence ; they do not expect entire nobility in act or speech, or unshaken courage in trial, or unstained faith- 352 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. fulness to good. They do not expect these things ; they kiiow their own weakness, and they do not think that others are not weak; they know how easily they are overtaken in a fault, and they make allowances for others, — they live and let live, and do not magnify, by slander or gossip, the frailties of their kind; but if faithfulness is asked of them, or belief in the faithfulness of another, they do make there the demand that it shall be absolute, sus- tained, perfect — for they know that the failure of it would turn their life into a desert. This is a chance that no man or woman will lightly run. And yet it is better to run it, and take its possible misery, than to be so guarded and suspicious as not to be able to believe in faithful love. It is better to love, believe, and be deceived, than to distrust all, than to be afraid to risk one's happiness on the faith of another, ■where that one has given no cause for distrust. Men and women are born to believe and trust, and will do so where the qualities exist which inspire belief and confi- dence. Some terrible blow must first cut into the heart before the vital blood of faith flows away and leaves it robbed of this, its life-giving power. But it is possible to be faithful unto God in the very bitterness of such an experience even, and he who is so, will not lose faith in human nature because of the glamour which led him on to trust one false heart. More than one Gibraltar bears the buffeting of storms and the fierce winds from polar cur- rents, while Table Eock crumbles and disappears because it has no secure foundation. There must be a secure foun- dation for every rock, for every house, or, when storms beat upon it, it will fall away. To be faithful unto death are words of great significance. Even without sharp trials, there are difficulties enough in ordinary life to try our fidelity to duty, to call upon the exercise of all our force of character. When we have to go on^ day by day. AFTER MABRIAQB. 353 contending with a passionate nature, or even a sluggish- one — limiting the one, enkindling the other — meeting small temptations every hour, so that watchfulness must never be relaxed ; when no sooner is one wrong-doing laid in the grave than another rises up, so that the sword of life is never in the scabbard ; when we know that this must go on for years, till death comes — then, not to give way to anger, or to weariness, not to brood over the battle, but to take it frankly as it comes, as part of the day's work; to make of high endeavor an inward light, which keeps the path before us always bright; to conquer the chill of custom and the weight of commonplace, and be inspired always by an inward thought; to pour into life such love of God and man that all things will grow beau- tiful and worthy to be done ; and to look forward, perse- vering to the last, "from well to better, daily self-sur- passed," this is to be faithful unto death, and for these things there is the crown of life. Great are the powers of man in the power of God, but there is one greater than all, it is a faithful heart. Home is by heritage the woman's kingdom ; there at least she reigns supreme; and, surely, to embellish that home, and to make happy the lives of the near and dear ones who dwell within it, is a task of no little honor, re- warded by no scant meed of gratitude and praise. "Who can find a virtuous woman ? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. She will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor ; yea, she reach- eth forth her hands to the needy. She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 23 854 SKKSIBIiS ESIQUSXf E> She loaketh well to the ways of her household^ and eatn eth not the bread of idleness. Her children rise ap, and call her ble^ed; her husband also, and he pmiseth her. mxED sooisr?, 35$ CHAPTEE XIL inXEa> SOCIETY — THE FAST SCHOOI, — DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INNOCENCE AND VIKTUE— THE MOTHER'S INFLTTENCB, ANI> THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS IN FORMING CHAKACTER. '• I must put you on your guard, my dew Sylvia, against both the manners and the morals — for it is difficult to separate the two — that prevail among the set tQ whjqh the Flounders belong. They are ex- ceedingly fast, and, to use a phrase, which I am told is much in ▼ogue, '* rowdy. " It is the fault of the rich parvenu society to which they belong, to tolerate and cultivate a familiarity of address, man- ner, and tonCj which you will never meet with among reajly well- bred pwple. The time was when, if men elected to be fast and rowdy, they had to be fast and rowdy among themselves, or, at worst, among women who were not in society. Then it never entered any one's bead to suppose that love was made to an unmarried girl, save in the lower ranks of society, but for the honorable purposes of mar- riage; the most abandoned and adventurous men contlning their enterprises to those married women who were thought capable of dis- gracing their condition. It has remained for our age, which boasts so much of moral progress, to produce married men, who pay court to unmarried girls, and to produce girls to listen to them. .... Very few men, till after they have passed middle life, have much interest in women remaining virtuous. So long as their mothers, sisters, and wives conduct themselves properly, that is all they seem to. require." — Letter oj a Oranthw/ther in " The Truth.'^ " Children are what the mothers are ; No fondest father's fondest care Can fashion so the infant's heart. "^^i/tnufoT-. American society (especially at its summer resorts) haa been said to be a very elaborate puzzle to comprehend, and foreigners often think that wealth is its "open-sesame;" bat whatever infloeBce wealth, may have, eulture has more 356 SENSIBLE BTIQUETTB. in its really best circles. It may be entirely overshadowed by claims of wealth, through sheer force of superior num- bers, in some places, and in some classes ; but it is every- where recognized in itself as a sufficient passport to the highest social circles. Education, says an English writer, is the keynote of the best society ; " A blockhead mak^ a blockhead his companion," says Emerson ; and it will be noticed that when an Englishman, or any foreigner, pos- sessing bad manners, visits this country, he chooses that circle, or clique, in which he feels the most at home. He Would not feel at ease in the company of wellbred persons anywhere. Devoid, himself, of that delicate tact which is far more subtle than any mere occasional veneer of con- ventional manner, he betrays the coarse and vulgar soul which bad manners indicate; for nothing is truer than the old saying, "Manners are the index of the soul." We may find this tact in humble artisans, we may miss it in aristocrats ; but the lower we go down in the social strata, the less do we find of that mutual courtesy and forbearance which leads its members to place any value upon the fine points which regulate the intercourse of all wellbred people. Now, if the matter of personal refinement, and the ab- sence of vulgarities, had only to do with mere conventional usages, its presence or absence would be of very little sig- nificance, and certainly would not be of sufficient impor- tance to make it one of the questions of the day, as it is. But a great deal more is efifected by personal culture than by observance of a code of arbitrary details. The high- breeding which was practically the same in the Athens of Pericles, the Rome of Augustus, the Constantinople of Justinian, the Paris of Louis XIV, and -the cosmopolitan drawing-rooms of our own day, is ultimately reducible to the factors of that consideration for each other's feelings, MIXED SOCIETY. 857 which is the social exponent of the Law of Rights, and familiarity with all those matters which set forth the Law of Beauty, whether in literature, art, dress, or personal culture. Hence, there is quite a charm to the polished in polished society, quite apart from its moral or intellectual I'^vel. Men and women who have had all the advantages of refinement from their cradles are easy to get along with, because the whole bent of their education, such as it is, has been to inculcate lessons of social tact, of mutual forbear- ance, of habitual familiarity with graceful, beautiful, and delicate things. They would feel any gross rudeness like a sword-thrust, and consequently they are the ones who respect the claims of others, even as they expect their own to be respected. One practical result of all this is, that a powerful curb is put upon self-conceit and self-assertion, vulgarity of nature and purse-pride, and upon all whose tendency of their self-indulgence is to make otliers un- comfortable. By tliis silent repression the weak are pro- tected against the powerful, and the liberty, equality, and fraternity of pleasant intercourse are made possible. Men and women who are rude, pushing and pretentious, or too loud and pronounced, or who are wanting in culture, who are too much given to narrative, to punning, to sarcasm, or to tattling, who monopolize the conversation, paying little attention to what is said in reply, are not accepted as good form, and thus society is protected. What American society is really most in need of to-day is a better general understanding of the duties and privi- leges of its members — a settled code of regulations, such as is found everywhere in corresponding circles abroad, and by means of which people meet each other in harmony and peace, with_ the greatest amount of pleasure to all parties. Now, misunderstandings are constantly occurring which with an established code might be prevented. B58 SENeifitTe itiQi&EtTB. A stranger, arriving at Newport fot the fitst tilne this summer, sent his letters and made his calls at the houses where his letters introduced him. He was most cordially received by all, invited to return on their reception days^ and also to dine with one of the families. The gentleman who extended the dinner invitation called upon him ; but the days passed on, and no calls or cards were received from the gentlemen of the other families. Consequently he did not feel at liberty to accept the informal invitations that had been extended to him upon the occasion of his calls at the other houses. When, at last, he met one of the ladies, he was taken kindly to task for absenting him- self on the lady's reception day. Surprised to find such conflicting ideas, he addressed a note to the lady whose dinner invitation he had accepted, telling her the circum^ stances, and asking her to give him her opinion of the ne- glect upon their next meeting. The following quotation from the note explains itself: " I fear that I have offended Mrs. Goodform by- not understanding a certain point of etiquette as she did. To have Varying ideas as to social duties is as confusing as to have a double standard for weights and measures Of the three femilies to whom I have brought letters of intro- duction, only yourself understood points of civility as I did, and consequently your husband was the only one who left a card for me at my lodgings. Not being * native here and to the manner born,' what wonder if I give offence to some ? " Here was a point where, had the gentleman who took the letters been acquainted with our neglect of European customs, he would not have waited to have his call returned before accepting the cordially extended invitations of those to whom he had brought them. However important it may be in Europe to receive the card t)f the gentleman MIXED Bocifitt. 35d %hi6h announces to you that you are admitted t S62 SB set BIB fiTKJUBTTB. be blind k> the injurioas Influence vrhicb fast women are baving upon society. Indeed, the fashion of the day in fest circles is to sail so very near the wind^ that they who have altogether renounced the restraints of law and opin- ion, and who are so far honest as to be consistent, must feel their manor poached upon by men and women whose aim is to seem to be much worse than th^ really are, sayS the "London Times." Whether it be ifl talk or in deedj in manners, in style, or in dress, the age is certainly every- where showing a very open contempt of the safeguards which once formed the advance posts of propriety. It is " the fest school " that vitiates the tone, undermines the character, and corrupts the whole atmosphere, till it becomes really a matter of less importance whether the guilt be gross and actual, or only in the heart, mindj soul ''—indeed, in the whole nature. The tongue, true td its nature, cannot help being tell-tale, and its follies and am" ■ biguities tell of the change within long before there is ad opportunity to carry will into deed. Those Vho have Vacant minds, who spend their lives in a world of foolish amusements and frivolous gayety, in a succeasion of flirta- tions, in running after pleasure wherever and with whom^ soever it can be found, amid doubtful associations, at places and in circumstances where there cannot be but dangef and contamination, will find, should the last barrier gives way, that the downward career of immorality beats the rolling stone of Sisyphus. It is vain to ask how such a state of things exists. The , mode of life has its attractions, and they are potent to cer- tain natures. There is no reasoning against the baser instincts and the lower tastes. They must and will claim their way, and will sway a part of the world. But, although it may be vain to inquire how such a state @f things as this is brought aboat^ which Engli^ and THK mother's INl'tTjBNCE. American journalists have discussed so freely, it may not be wholly vain to search for some remedy. This remedy is suggested by more than one writer on the instruction and education of the young. Chancellor Kent sayS) Without some preparation made in youth for the sequel of life, children of all conditions would prob- ' ably become idle and vicious when they grow up, from Want i of good instruction and habits, and the means of subsist* \ ence, or from want of rational and useful occupations. A parent who sends his son into the world without educating ! him in some art, science, profession, or business, does great injury to mankind, as well as to his son and his own fam- ily, for he defrauds the community of a useful oitizen, and i bequeaths to it a nuisance. This parental duty is strongly inculcated by the writers on natural law. Solon was so deeply impressed with the force of the obligation, that he even excused the children of Athens from maintaining their parents, if they had neglected to train them up to some art or trade. The parent who trains his child for some special occupation, and who at the same time is able to inspire in him genuine self-respect, that corner-stone for the great work of life — for there is no work like that of self-education — has done his share toward contributing a useful citizen, instead of a nuisance, to the ranks of hu* manity. Another writer upon the education and training of girls says, The one thing needed to give us a gener^^ ation of modest, chaste gentlewomen in our daughters is — ^^mothers. Mothers who know their business, and who do it ; mothers who have the sense to see that there is a time in a young woman's life, as in a man's, when animal spirit, or excess of vitality, needs outlet ; mothers who can guide their daughters through this strait in all purity, en- lightening them as to the nature of evil, and instructing them in that positive good which crowds out evil. Why 364 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. is it that we sometimes find lovely daughters of lovely mothers, who have been guarded carefully by all the cir- cumstances of their lives from temptation and trial, brought up in the midst of pure influences, early taught by precept and example the fear of God, and the happiness that comes from doing good, have yet sunk away before temptation, and become corrupted and wretched? Is it not because there is no strength to the character, no power to resist ■ evil, no assurance of continuance in well-doing, where the work of self-discipline and self-education, begun by the mother, has not bfeen continued by the daughter? It is of the utmost importance for her child's moral, spiritual, and temporal welfare, that the mother should begin this work with correct ideas as to the relations of innocence and virtue ; for with many there is a great confusion as to the meaning of these words. The literal meaning of virtue is strength, efficacy, power. It should be the mother's object to educe strength of character, and then virtue becomes easy. To ignore the existence of sin, error, misery, is in reality to encourage and to increase them. It is like walking upon thinly crusted lava, or upon treacherous ice, certain to pre- vent saving others, ready 'indeed to ingulf all who trust to it. In this chapter will be found the opinions of a writer on this subject, who nearly twenty years ago wrote with an earnestness which must have been appreciated then, and a discernment which is needed to be shared by all parents now, who seek to discriminate and choose for their childi'en the proper books for them to read, the proper companions for them to have, and the proper habits for them to acquire. A Persian ambassador asked the wife of Leonidas why they paid such honors-to the women at Lacedsemonia. " It is," replied she, " because they have entirely the forming of the men." But great as are the responsibilities of a mother, she must not be left to bear all the blame when the THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS. 365 charactera of her children have not developed as she has en- deavored to form them. Much depends, as we have seen, upon transmitted qualities of mind and heart, and upon the temperament of the child, and much also depends upon the example of the persons with whom they are thrown, and the influence of the books which they are permitted to read. Judicious mothers wha study the inherited peculiarities and the temperaments of their children, who guard them from associates whose influence is evil, who will not permit their daughters to read books which have not first been looked over, will be better able to train up their children in the way they should go, than are those who give no thought to such subjects. Reverend Morgan Dix, S.T. D., in an essay entitled, " Sensation Romances and Novel Poison," attributes the deterioration of individual character, and the poisoning of society, which are conspicuous among the signs of the times, to indiscriminate novel reading. A glance at the plots of some of the most popular novels of the day, he tells us, shows little but crudities, follies, and social frauds, not held up for the reprobation they merit, but to demonstrate that to be quiet, decent, and mannerly, is to be stupid and dull; that if you wish to be thought interesting and brilliant, you must be fast and free ; that it is natural and right to do the meanest and most odious things, and that every one would do them if placed under like circumstances ; that it is high-toned and high-spirited to be treacherous and un- controllable ; that so long as persons do not utterly throw themselves away, they may love whom they please ; that husbands and wives are of all persons the least to each other; that a disorderly passion has more depth, beauty, and sacredness in it than a solemn vow at God's altar; that the state of holy matrimony is a tyranny of bondage, under which to chafe is no sin. The result of all this, he 366 gBNSIBJi? EriQlJ¥Tf* continues, is qnfortunately too plain and most evident in, the manners of the young women of the period. There can be no doubt that the standard of womanhood is declining. How could it be otherwise ? Girls can in no way be more certainly destroyed, than by giving them a false idea of life; by perverting their moral sense by weaving a web of unreality about them ; by tailing from them the right idea of duty, loyalty, and honor; by making them see everything in a f^lse light, till they are filled with fantastie notions, and have lost the habit pf simplicity and sincerity. With such models as these before them, and with, no one to tell them what abominable characters they are, it is natural that they should imitate what they have learned to admire, and that when they eome to act their part in life, they do as the light women do in their favorite* storiesi. .. , . The slow deterioration in manners and morals, is going on among the lowly and the high, in the hom^s^ of elegancy and fashion, in the apartments of the working classes, in town, in the cottagesi and farmhouses from which the viciouj? population of the city is fed. .... In multitudes of cases, perhaps in the greater part of them, the household sorrow and the household wreck may be traced to the workr. ing of a poison distilled into the unhappy family through a literature which ought to be driven like ofiscourings from every respectable, library, and every circle o^ honest people. Vincent Murray, writing in the "Contemporary Ec' view," says that the chief caterers if not consumers in this line, are women, closing his paper with the assertion that the society which reads and encourages such literature is a " whited sepulchre," which, if it be not speedily cleansed by the joint eflFort of pure men and women, will breed a pestilenoB so foul as to poison the very life-blood of th^ nation. THE INFLOBNCB QF BOQKS. §6,7 Dr. Dix, commenting upon this, says : The same may- be said of our own people, and such joint effort to save the young was never more needed than now. What we ought to aim at ia the forming and deepening a sense of moral re- sponsibility. Th^ characteristic vice of our time is irrer sponsible ^elf-wilU It ought to be attacked everywhere, with ajl the power that can be brought to bear on it. Parentis should be instructed that they are directly respon- sible to God and the Church for the training of their chil- dren ; and children must be made to understand that read- ing bad boobp fe as dangerous as keeping b^ com,pany, or lying, g^aJiBg, or any kind of self-abuse. This essay of Dr. Dix should be not lightly skimmed over, but studied by parents who would know what class of novels to put into the hands of their daughters, and what to withhold. Very different is his discriminating criticism from much of that which we see at the present time. He draws the line between those novels which expose these " Eiocial frauds," for the purpose of drawing the attention of a society that ignores them to their inevitable conse- quences, and those that di^g such scenes in to excite an ill-regulated appetite in the reader. There are some critics who would prohibit an author from exposing in fit language a elass of abuses or vices known to be preva,lent, but which divers interested persons would, for obvious reasons, rather not hear mentioned. Such a prohibition am^ounts to saying that when offenders, go to certain lengths in criminality, the ve^y foulness of their sins should exempt them from punisibment; and it makes both author and critic abet- tors of the evils of which they know, but are afraid to di- vulge, on the principle, invUai eulpjcm, qui peccatumtprceterit. One of the highest functions of the writer is to point out the awful consequences of human error, and to trace some &ult, for which, maybe, the world is too indulgent,, from 368 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. its first careless commission to its tragical results. That was the design of the earliest and greatest masters of fiction, says Grenville Murray. When men or women commit crimes and to all seem- ing remain prosperous and happy, retaining the world's esteem, the real truth about them should be told. It should be explained by what tears of blood and anguish they re- deemed themselves, and by what terrible punishments they were visited in secret. King David's history reveals to us the problems of a life, where, oftentimes, the highest suffer most, the noblest wander farthest. No man could be so shaken as King David was with the jars and shocks of nature and life, exactly because no man living could be so entranced with her harmonies. Small tricks and follies are of little consequence to mankind ; but drama, pathos, and instruction begin where weak and sometimes good men or women commit heinous offences, as in the terrible story of Royal Israel and the warrior, whom he sent to death because his wife was very beautiful to look upon, and in other Bible records of human error, written for our instruction and consolation. If the world has slowly grown better than it was in bygone centuries, we owe it much to the fact that authors of the past have scattered the truth fearlessly ; therefore it yielded a harvest, and sowers must not cease to scatter seed if they would have the earth go on bearing fruits of increase. j The best moral training is not that which diligently shuts I out all knowledge of the world, but that which teaches self-control, ability to resist evil and cleave to the good, to fight and overcome temptation, and to be actively virtuous. Vices laid open to the public cautery are in a much better I condition for being cured than those which are permitted ito fester in semi-secrecy for personal or class considerations. Says an American journalist: The only possible safe» THB INFLUENCE OF BOOKS. 369 guard for evil practices is secrecy. So long as public at- tention can be diverted from them they flourish with im- punity ; but the moment they become notorious, shame sets up an effectual barrier to keep away those who are not hopelessly perverted. The London "Saturday Review" comments as follows upon a recent divorce case in fashionable society in London: There are some things which everybody sees, but which there is a general reluctance to speak about until some- kind of explosion occurs and compels attention. For some time past, for instance, there has been visible in English society a tendency to increasing freedom of manners and a relaxation of those prudent restraints on giddiness or for- wardness which used to be supposed to be an indispensable protection to all modest women. We have ourselves re- peatedly called attention to it, and urged that the spread of habits of dangerous familiarity ought to be closely watched, and some check placed by social influenee on the introduction of novelties of this kind, all tending in one direction. It would appear, however, that the departure from old-fa.shioned traditions of propriety is growing still more marked, and that a system of social intercourse is being gradually established, under which all the once recog- nized rules of decent behavior are completely set at naught. Notwithstanding these strictures upon the state of society in London, this "Review" not long since accused an English novelist of want of patriotism, because she depicted scenes that reflected upon English society. Must the novelist be silent from patriotic motives, and the journalist be allowed to speak in such plain terms ? The novelist in whose pen lies the power to describe the downward road from its first to its last step, must she, for "personal or class con- siderations," hold back the lessons which romance can be made to convey to the minds of the young ? If she has 24 370 SENSIBLE ETIQUETIB. the true inspiration, and if convinced that God has given her "the one talent" to nse, and not to fold away in a napkin, she will say with Dr. Cummings : " Were news- papers more able than the 'Saturday Review 'to attack any book I write, and any sentiment I hold, I shall not be moved a hair's breadth from a course which I believe to be dutiful to man and right in the sight of God," We all know that in no land is domestic life purer than in our own ; that it is the fast sahool here, as elsewhere, that introduces into it its dangerous elements. As the " London Times" says, " It is vitiating the tone, undermin- ing the character, and corrupting the whole atmosphere of society." Up to the present time we have been spared in America (in our most refined and highly cultivated circles at least) such disgusting scandals as London high life has from time to time disclosed: but those "fast" women who have cast discredit upon American society at home and abroad need all the checks that can be imposed upon them, to prevent our divorce courts from emulating those of England in the offensive details of their cases. To quote again from the "Saturday Review" article: " Suspicion must necessarily be part of the penal system of society, and it is exercised in rightful defence. It might be difficult or impossible to secure conclusive evidence of a particular offence, such as would be necessary for judicial purposes, but society has a right to judge from appearances, and to place uuder a ban those who try to break down the barriers of propriety." A writer in the " New York Tribune" says, in an editot rial: "There is not a fashionable circle, not a town or vil- lage, in which the records of our domestic life do not bear evidence of the debasing influences of this authorized, uni- versal custom of flirtation before marriage, and Platonic friendship after. Here is the secret of indifference of wivei XHB INFLUENCB OF BOOKS. 371 and husbands, of the neglect of their children, of the reck- less excitement by which they try to forget their bondage, and the adultery suits by which they end it." The feeling with niany seems to be that these evils are, pn the whole, inevitable ; or, if not, that we can mend so very little of them that it is wisest to leave them alone altogether, lest, like certain sewers, "the more you stir them, the more they smell." I should answer in all courtesy and humility, " If we think that things are going all right, must we not have a most beggarly conception of what going right means? And if things are not going right, can it be anything but good for us to see that they are not going right? Can truth and fact harm any human being ? I shall not be- lieve so, as long as I have a Bible wherein to believe," says the Rev. Charles Kingsley. Thus journalists and divines are drawing attention to needed reforms. They are not seeking reformation in individual cases any more than does the author ; but both journalist and novelist may try to lead men and women of influence to exert themselves to raise society to the highest possible standard of sound morals and good manners. At least, attention tlius drawn to these evils has a tendency to place a check upon those whose pernicious examples in- fluence the young and giddy ; too often leading them astray before their judgment is sufficiently matured to shadow forth to them the inevitable end of the path they have chosen. As a stone, thoughtlessly thrown into a pool of water, breaks its placid surface into ever-widening circles, so one example may influence for good or for evil the moral condition of a whole community. If journalists are allowed to draw attention to this general relaxing of social restraints, may not novelists depict the evils that arise &om loveless marriages, showing life as it is when entered 372 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. upon by those in whom exist that sympathy and congeni- ality which is so essential in the close companionship of married life? — and last, but not least, may they not strive to awaken to a sense of their duties those who, while they hold the fast school in abhorrence, are trying to ignore its existence, asserting that the least that is said about it the better? Writers who treat these subjects require both skill and moral courage : skill to write with delicacy of the coai-se- ness with which they deal, and moral courage to face the sneers, ridicule, prejudices, and misrepresefitations that they will encounter. " This man blasphemes, this man is immoral," is what the world says of those who utter un- welcome truths in unwilling ears. The fast school is a vulgar school. Those who portray its scenes cannot hope to escape the charge of vulgarity from the ignorant, the prejudiced, the narrow-minded, and from all those who are not able to understand that when a writer has great truths to develop he must choose such characters as will best serve his" ends, although they may not be such as predominate in real life. He cannot show up folly and worse than folly by depicting the characters of the wise and good. He will not create ideal men and women to show us what they ought to be, but he will show us what they really are; how they struggle with temptation, overcoming it, or being overcome by it, as the case may be ; no creature all saint, no creature all sinner ; but all free agents, each left to the work of forming its own character and accomplishing its own destiny. " Never by lapse of time, the soul defaced by crime, Into its former self returns again ; For every guilty deed holds in itself the seed Of retribution and undying pain." "Will not the young girl who still holds her fate in her THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS. 373 own keeping, pause, and take into consideration what she may become if she treads down in a loveless marriage the holiest instinct of a woman's heart, when she sees how the revolting discipline of a marriage where there is no love upon the woman's side, eats away the health of her moral life as decay eats the heart of some bud before it has blos- somed into a rose ? " We have no kind of sympathy," says the " Saturday Review," " with the woes of young women who sell them- selves to hateful husbands." And yet there are no woes that should receive more compassion than those of the young girl who, knowing nothing of the sacred mystery of her being, sells herself, or is sold by her parents, to a " hateful husband," thus entering upon that demoralizing life which fits her to fill the place of one more fast woman in society. The ever increasing frequency of these sacri- fices, says the " London World," makes it far more to be wondered at that so many women are virtuous than that a very few should go astray. Upon this subject, a clergyman of the Church of Eng- land writes : "God looks down upon no baser deed on this earth than such a sacrifice, when Christian parents make their children pass through the fire to Moloch, and go about in society, enraptured with their success ; thinking, when the sale of the slave is over, that they have accomplished the greatest good, when, in reality, they have murdered a soul, and sown, it may be, the first seed of their daughter's dis- honor. She is told that she will have all things she needs — wealth, position, luxury, society, at her feet — that these things will heal the hurt her honor feels ; these will console her for the loss of the freedom of the heart j these will supply her with a higher happiness than that which comes of mutual respect and mutual love in marriage. If 374 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. betrayed, by weakness or through terror, any poor son} has taken up this degradation^ and wakes too late to find that she has a soul and a heart, let her not hope to kill her pain in desperate pleasure, nor allow scorn of life to master her, nor give up her dufies because every step she makes in them is marked by blood." Here is a broad field fijr novelists to exercise their powers in. Here lie shoals and rocks of life, where, if beacon lights are placed in time to warn the ignorant of danger, many shipwrecks tnay be prevented, many fair and richly-freight«i barks he saved. Still, where mothers are vigilant, where duty is more to them than ambition, the novelist's warnings may not be needed, and yet smch mothers are always quick to seek aid from outside influences, realizing the truth of a remark made by a distinguished French mother of a by- gone century, who said : " Whatever care is used in the education of children, it is still too little to answer the end." After all, the mother only lays the foundation for the hourly work of self-improvement which alone can build up a fair and perfect structure of character; and although she may be often disheartened and well-nigh dis- ieouraged in her labor of love and duty, she should remem- ber the promise, " Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." The promise is not given that his conduct will always be in his youth as exemplary as she would desire it to be; but when he arrives at the age that character becomes symmetrical (if the material is good and it has been built up aright), then, to use a worn-out simile, his virtues will be found locking into each other like the stones of an arch, in which each takes its relative position, and all are held in place by the keystone of duty, thus making good to the mother the promise of Holy Writ. " I shall never forget," said Kant, in his old age, " that THE INFLUENCE OF BOOKS. 375 it was my mother who caused to fructify the good which is in my soul." Cuvier, it is said, attributed to his mother all the pleas- ure of his studies and the glory of his discoveries. "I used to draw under her superintendence, and read aloud books of history and general literature. It is thus that she developed in me that love of reading and that curiosity for all things which were the spring of my life." Byron's mother, a woman full of caprice and pride, whose narrow mind was only expanded by vanity, hatred, and revenge, who piteously made a jest of the natural in- firmity of her child, ingrafted in his heart her corrosive passions, and made his life a curse to himself and to others, despite bis genius. Lamartine, over whose cradle was shed the light of a tender mother's love, under her tuition developed that genius (a spark of which is said to be implanted in every soul) until it resembled incense, the perfumes of which are diffused over the earth, but which burns only for heaven. Only mothers (and women with mother- hearts) possess the power of inspiring that love of virtue and knowledge which, when once established in the soul, enables a man to "mould his own material, quarry his own nature, and make his own character " what it should be ; for this is a work that no one can do for him. It is hard for the mother, as well as for her older chil- dren, when, with a large family, nursery duties prevent her from continuing that degree of watchful care which they have had in their childhood, just at the age when character is moulded like wax by the shaping power of thought and example. But her babes even are in less danger from neglect than are those of her children whose minds are developing as rapidly as exotics in a hot-house. At this agfi a taste is easily cultivated for works on natural 876 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. science and for history, as well as for those juvenile books that teach important lessons — such as are found in the works of Mrs. Edgeworth, Mrs. Child, Miss Yonge, and in many other books written for the young. If mothers could realize the influence which the companionship of books exerts in youth upon the tastes and the habits of their children, they would choose for them such as would both interest and instruct, before their children's minds have become vitiated by works of an unhealthy nature and stories of a sensational order. A taste for these once ac- quired, the task of a Hercules would have to be accom- plished to bring back the mind to its virgin state. The poison imbibed from books works all the more surely be- cause it works secretly ; so that the influence of bad books may be even greater than the influence of bad associates. The mother has it in her power to make those books that her riper judgment selects as suitable, the companions and friends of her children, and to impress upon them the truths found in their pages by conversing with them about the moral lessons or the intellectual instruction that they contain. Children are always asking questions with regard to everything that they see or hear, and the patient mother who answers these questions to the best of her abil- ity, seeking information to impart to them when their questions are beyond the reach of her capacity to answer, will reap a rich reward in their superior intelligence and in their thirst for knowledge^-a thirst which, when once aroused in the human soul, is never quenched. It does not seem to occur to some minds that parents owe any other duties to their children than to send them to good schools and to see that they are properly clothed and fed. Their morals and their manners are left to their nursery- maids, possibly, for the mothers who best fulfil their duties in these respects are quite as often found among those who THE INELDBNCK OP BOOKS. 377 cannot afford to keep a maid. Sometimes children are trusted to choose their own associates ; or mothers choose for them, in reference toward position in society more than in regard to the best culture of mind and heart and man- ners. It is hard to escape being influenced by the opinions of society, and it is not well to be too independent of them in many particulars ; but those who have a high ideal in character to attain, learn to care only for the judgment of those whose lives and conversation illustrate that ideal. In disregarding the opinions of the purely worldly, mothers can best cultivate that true spirit of independence which enables them to choose what is best for the highest devel- opment of their children, instead of with reference only to external advantages. In this way, society expands and exalts the powers, instead of dwarfing and degrading them. A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump. Rudeness, vul- garity, and all evil, are as contagious for the young as are the whooping-cough and the measles, and their effects are much more lasting. Therefore it is necessary to guard the child, as far as is possible, from all approaches of either; so that the careful mother keeps a vigilant eye upon the associates of her children, as well as upon the books they read, until their tastes and their habits have been formed in such matters, thus preserving the purity and innocence of childhood untainted, up to that period when the ignorance of evil is no longer desirable, but on the contrary, is fraught with danger. Then the prudent mother will instruct her children where the pitfalls and the quicksands of life lie ; she will enlighten them as to the nature of evil, showing them how stealthily it ap- proaches, clothed in alluring garb, and wooing with seduc- tive smiles. Which will be in the most danger, the youth who, walking in a thicket of roses, discovers for himself 378 BENSIBLB ETIQUETTE. the precipice that borders one side of it, concealed from sight by the beautiful flowers that grow along its very brink, or the one who knows from the start that the preci- pice is there, and that only one step from the roses lie coiled the serpents of sin and remorse ? Now comes the period when the mother may be aided by works of fiction which teach that our earthly passions are the tree of the knowledge of good and evil ; and that, according as the fruit is gathered from this tree, will be the life or the death of the spiritual nature of her children. Innocence is not virtue. Innocence is weak ;. virtue is strong. The strength of virtue lies in its power to resist and endure ; the weak- ness of innocence is in its ignorance; therefore, the change from ignorant youthful innocence to one of enlightened manly or womanly virtue, is one that mothers should hasten, instead of retarding, when the eyes of their chil- dren have been turned toward the alluring fruit of the tree of life ; then, when the tempter comes offering this fruit for their use, they will be able to discern the evil from the good ; for the fruit of the knowledge of evil, and the fruit of the knowledge of good, grow together side by side, on the same tree. Merely to deny improper books is not enough. Something must be given in place of them, or the craving will continue, and the child will be very apt to gratify its appetite in secret. Books which teach that sin and sorrow are God's divinely appointed apostles to mankind ; that no one is secure from temptation, but rather that virtue is tested by it as gold by the refiner's fire; that no love which is properly controlled but may be made the means of one's own spiritual advancement; that innocence is not virtue ; that ignorance is cruelly danger- ous ; that th© knowledge of evil is essential to all progress as well as to all virtue of the highest type, — ^such are the books that many youth of* the present day need to warn THE INFLDENCB OF BOOKS. 379 l^era of the rapids toward which they are tending,-— the whirlpool of unregulated passion in which so many barks go down. There are some careful and conscientious mothers, who, watching the gradual change from infancy and childhood to youth and maturity, and who, marking how often addi- tional knowledge is accompanied by additional sin, wish that their children's ignorance of evil might be prolonged, and are inclined to fancy that knowledge itself is but a doubtful blessing. This idea proceeds rather from a neg- ative hatred of evil than from a positive love of good, and its error lies in rmstaking innocence /or virtue. Innocence is lovely in the child, because in harmony with its nature ; but our path in life is not backward but onward, and virtue can never be the offspring of mere in- nocence. If we are to progress in the knowledge of good, we must also progress in the knowledge of evil. Every experience of evil brings its own temptation, and according to the degree in which the evil is recognized and the temp- tations resisted, will be the value of the character into which the individual will develop. Innocence may be beautiful, but- can never be strong, while the whole essence of virtue lies in its strength to resist and power to endure. If the innocence of childhood be replaced by the firm prin- ciples of integrity and honor, the loss will be really a great gain. It is only where the knowledge of evil is unattended by appreciation of its nature, where temptations are yielded to and not resisted, that we are induced to grieve over the departure of that innocence which was so beautiful in earlier years. It is not so much the knowledge of evil that is to be feared as the ignorance of positive good to overcome it; not the advance of one part of our nature, but the failure to advance in the higher and nobler parts. As the stature 880 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and power of the full-grown man is superior to that of the little child, so is the strength and energy of virtue superior to the innocence that only ignores the evil without having tasted the good. Knowledge, to be truly valuable, must be guided by wisdom, and the essence of all wisdom consists in discover- ing and obeying the laws of the Creator. This can render even the loss of innocence itself the means of developing our highest nature. The real danger to be feared for the rising generation, is not so much that they should learn about evil as that they should not learn about good. Pos- itive good will soon crowd out evil, while, if we could, by our utmost energies, simply guard the mind from all ap- proaches of sin, we should at the most only accomplish a negative work, which would fail in producing a virtuous character. Let mothers then be careful to sow the seeds of positive moral goodness, as well as to eradicate the weeds that will occupy the soil of every heart that is left uncultivated.* Planted thickly with the seeds of truth, integrity, self-denial, and love, a rich harvest of noble character will be yielded, while the utmost toil will fail to keep down the weeds of vice in the heart where positive * To all who have a purpose and a high hope in rearing their chil- dren, Harriet Martineaa's little book on "Household Education" will be found a wise and helpful counsellor, as well as possessing great interest. There is no discoursing about things in a vague, uncertain way. Nor are words spent in picking flaws without suggesting remedies. The difficulties in the case are always duly considered. Indeed, the whole book is a study for any one having the care of children. One reading will not suffice. We like to think of the eager gratitude with which many a perplexed and anxious mother will turn its pages and glean therefrom not only comfort and en- couragement, but, what is still more to be desired, a clearer knowl- edge of her duty, and a more reasonable assurance that through patient endeavor she can yet become a better and truer mother Ibai she has ever been. CHARACXBR. 381 virtues do not grow. And yet, as we have seen, character is not wholly dependent upon either instruction or training. It is the result of the use which each individual makes of the lessons of life. God will have deep-tilled soil, bearing such harvest as he shall sow for; whence, at autumn, we all take either our ripe sheaves or our worthless ones with us. Suffering, keen anguish of spirit, is the tax which intel- lecl, or intelligence, or advanced mental culture must al- ways pay for its gains in the individual. We must endure much and go through bitter trials ere character is perfected. And what a rich treasure is a deep character, a fertile life. How instinctively we honor those who, in spheres infin- itely various, fulfil in fair measure sixty if not a hundred, thJrty if not sixty fold, the hope of God in us ! says the Eev. Joseph May. Who but loves to see in society those who live unselfishly to serve good aims ; who rise above sensuality, and fashion, and frivolity ; who look about for good deeds to do, whether humble or important; whose hands are ever busy at home or abroad ; whose hearts are ever tender to the next appeal ; who listen willingly and respond surely ; who take hold, not egotistically, not be- cause they live to manage, refusing machination, fearless of criticism, rebuffs, and ingratitude, unwearied and self- forgetful, doing such work as they can do quietly, simply, unpretentiously, for each good cause. Though suffering be the price of such a character, wel- come be the suffering. The world is the field where life's prizes are won. As Bushnell says: There are no fires that will melt out our drossy and corrupt particles like God's refining fires of duty and trial, living, as he sends us to live, in the open field of the world's sins and sorrows, its plausibilities and lie?, its persecution, animosities, and fears, its eager delights and bitter wants. By our fruits we are known. A character, says Emer- 382 SENSIBLE BIIQUBTTE. son, is like an acrostic or Alexandrian stanza ; read it for- ward, backward, or across, it still spells the same thing. Character teaches above our wills. Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment ; a breath that is stronger for good or for evil than any power that lies in mere words, though we preach sermons and make b(»ks of which, there is no end. Charafcter reveals itself in myriad ways, but most in the brotlierly sympathy which we show our kind. The right whicli our fellow-men have to whatsoever aid our bands can afford, says the Rev. William H. Furness, is sacred and inalien- able, far beyond the right which we claim to the perishing possessions of the world, and is not to be denied by us, save to the wrong of our own souls. CHAPBROKS. S83 CHAPTER XIII. .CHAPERONS — CUSTOMS — SOCIAL OBSERVANCES — SHOWY SU- PERFICIALITIES — HARVARD EXAMINATIONS — THOROUGH EDUCATION — HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN. "There is no civilized country in the world where so much license is permitted in the intercourse of young men and women as in the United States ; it gives to the foreigner travelling here a singular idea of American morality, and leads, for instance, to the production of such a play as ' Uncle Sam,' which presents a picture that may he exaggerated in most particulars, but wbrich at the same time conveys a, suggestion that if proper decorum were exhibited by the young people, the idea of such a play would not have entered the mind of its author. He knew that if he had seen young men and women acting toward each other in Prance as he had seen young Americans doing, he would reach a conclusion unfavorable to the purity of their rela- tions. ****** " It is the personal contact of the man which does more to conquer the woman than his speech or his good looks. A statue of Praxiteles vivified with the soul of wit and original thought, standing away from her, must make slow progress toward her heart. Proximity in talk, where the words fall close to the ear, is effective. The affinities of nature are revealed in the power of the touch. The nobler part of man looks upward, and the baser downward ; the aspirations of the soul would wing their flight to the clouds, but the inclinations of the body keep them to the earth. It is for this that the young woman must be safe-guarded against the weaknesses of this superior kind of animal — man. " It has been said that our young men can safely be trusted not to take advantage of long tSte-S.-tetes with young women to do anything they would not do in presence of the mothers; but it is better not to have too much confidence in masculine rectitude under such circum- stances. It is well for the young woman that the man is educated as ner social protector, for if he were not, she would be morally in a lower scale than she is' to-day ; he is not always a social protector, and the family cannot afford to take the risk of his being a black sheep. 384 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. " According to Arabic law the man is not held accountable for per- suading the woman to leave the straight path, it being regarded as the duty of the woman herself and her family to take care and defend her from his pursuit, he being considered as aggressive by nature and she repressive. There is a little hint conveyed in this Oriental law which should not be lost on mothers with grown-up daughters. ****** " But in most cases the mothers are more to blame, perhaps, than the young people, who are inexperienced and drawn together by an afiSnity which belongs to all healthy natures in the vigor of life. It can hardly be expected of them to pursue the straight path without the healthful restraints and good counsel which a mother alone can give, and it is clearly the duty of the mother to command as well as to teach, to make of her daughter her constant companion and friend, - so that she may confide to her secrets which in the absence of confes- sion and advice, often lead to fatal results. The habit so common among our girls to seek this close companionship in girls of their own age, or young married women, and to stand, in a measure, aloof from the mother, is unfortunate, for, in proportion as the daughter culti- vates such intimacies, she withdraws herself from her mother and from home influences." — Chaperons for the Oirls, by Rhodes. The license existing and increasing in many circles of American society has caused this age to be not inappro- priately termed " the reigu of shoddy," for it is at the door of uncultivated families, possessing speedily acquired wealth, that the responsibility of this state of things lies. Those who seek to maintain the customs of past genera- tions in their training and teachings, are looked upon as eccentric, to use the mildest term ; whife those who adopt innovations which are really sensible ones, and long used in foreign society for the convenience of its members, are stigmatized as " reformers," and treated as such. In addi- tion, young people find parties without the restraining presence of dowagers such an attractive innovation upou old-school customs, that the dowager is no longer consid- ered a necessary institution in some of our circles of society. Gatherings organized in this manner lose, however, the CUSTOMS. 385 charm depending upon the contact of various ages ; and youth, uncontrolled and paramount, becomes regardless of the pleasure of others, pushing aside, and often without the least restraint, whatever stands in its way. A lady was recently asked if she allowed her daughters to accept invitations which were not extended to herself. " It is quite contrary to all my ideas of propriety ; but I find that I must take my choice between excluding them from society or allowing them to go with some young mar- ried friend ; for old ladies are very seldom invited in these days, was the answer." The laxity of morals and the freedom of manners which are declared to be characteristics of our age, are attributed by many to the fact that young girls are allowed so much more liberty than was formerly thought respectable ; and physicians and writers are now drawing attention to some of the ways in which this liberty has been abused, with varying results. One of these results, in its effect on society, is shown in the conduct and manners of some of our young men in the society of women. There is a want of respect which is painful to witness, and no less painful is it to listen to the comments made by them upon womanhood in general. They seem to forget that they reflect upon their mothers and sisters in giv- ing utterance to such sweeping assertions of disbelief in cor- rectness of principles and purity of life. " If we would save the manners and the morals of the country, our women must have a higher tone," says a journalist, and he is right. Even those young men who have been taught to respect all who are worthy of respect without regard to worldly position, and to observe the little courtesies of every-day life, become careless after associating with those girls and women who hold these lax ideas, and who encourage instead of condemning the license. " I like the cut of that woman's 25 386 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. jib," said a gentleman to a lady once in a ball-room. The lady answered, " Why, you speak of a woman with no more respect than you would of a ship." Her companion frankly thanked her for her reproof, adding, " If all ladies were like yourself, men would not fall into such a beastly way of talking." It is this neglect to show disapproval of coarse remarks and offensive habits which has caused our women to be held responsible for the bad manners of men and the "tendency to rowdyism" which, it is said, prevails in this generation, and which is a growing social blot in English as well as in American society. If all ladies were to follow the example given, and never pass over without some notice (though only by raising the eyebrows) any ungentlemanly speech or con- duct, we should soon hear of a change for the better, for man is most unfortunately an animal whose tendencies are downward when deprived of the beneficial corrective influ- ence of refined and pure-minded women. Many instances could be given of the remissness of men in society, English as well as American men, which would startle cultivated persons. Two, however, will suffice to show the different courses pursued by young men in the highest strata of fashionable society in New York, one having been trained to a strict observance of these forms, the other belonging to a family which considered such forms as of no importance. At a ball in New York, a gentleman said to the young lady to whom he was indebted for his invitation to the house of her parents, "Will you kindly introduce me to your father »nd mother?" She replied, "Don't give your- self that trouble ; it is not of the slightest consequence, I assure you ; it is my ball." The gentleman answered, " I do not look upon the introduction- as a trouble, but as a pleasure. My self-respect, as well as my respect for you and your parents, makes the introduction necessary." He SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 387 spoke so firmly that he carried his point and was introduced. In the other case, the young man was invited (by the re- quest of a common acquaintance) to an entertainment given by a New York lady in Newport. Afterwards he was asked if he knew this lady. He answered, " No, I do not know her. I was at her ball the other evening, but I avoided an introduction." Rudolf Harfthal's reply to the Earl who "had not self-respect to be a gentleman" is again suggested. To such a level must society fall, where " fast " men and women and untrained boys and girls are dominant ; but as yet such a state of things finds no support nor sympathy from those whose opinions are in any way likely to in- fluence its general tone. It is to prevent the headway of this class that writers are turning their attention to the manners of young people, and that mothers are counselled to secure their daughters as far as possible from such in- fluences. There may be some who are inclined to think that the subject of "manners is receiving too much atten- tion from those who call it "a question of the day," but such should bear in mind that we must guard the manners, if for no other reason than to protect the morals. A few social observances, some of which wfe most need to be reminded of, from time to time, are here recapitu- lated. Persons who accept invitations to stop at the houses of friends or acquaintances, either in their city homes or at their country seats, should try to hold themselves at the disposal of those whom they are visiting. If they propose to you to ride, to drive, or walk, you should acquiesce as far as your strength will allow, and do your best to seem pleased by the efforts made to entertain you. As a rule, host and guest are quite independent of each other from breakfast until lunch. After that meal the guest is 388 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, bound to make himself as agreeable as he can to the com- pany, and to behave in all raspects as if he were a visitor. If anything goes wrong during the visit, one should seem not to see it. If children are fractious, no remarks con- cerning their conduct must be made. Your friend's friends may be such as you do not care to be intimate with, but persons possessing tact can always keep people at a distance without hurting their feelings. There is a tacit confidence reposed in all guests, and the greatest delicacy is required in order to keep it inviolate. A guest should always ascertain what are the usual hours of rising, taking meals, and retiring, and then con- form scrupulously to them. These hours are sometimes given on a card, left in the guest-chambers. License is generally allowed for breakfast and lunch, the members of the family sitting down as soon as served, and not wait- ing for the delinquent. In large establishments, no incon- venience is experienced by delay ; those who come late are served as well as those who sit down with the family. In all well-regulated families in America, its members are early trained to be punctual at all the meals of the day. Visitors are bound by the laws of social intercourse, to conform in all respects to the habits of the house. To keep dinner waiting, to accept invitations without consult- ing your friend, to call upon the servant to do errands for you, or to wait upon you too much, and to keep the family up after the hours of retiring, are alike evidences of a want of thought and good breeding. Letters can be read at breakfast or at lunch, by asking permission to do so, but not at dinner. Whatever you may have remarked to the disadvantage of your friends, whilst partaking their hospitality, should never transpire through your means, neither while you are under their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what re- SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 389 dounds to their praise or credit. This feeling should be mutual between host and guest ; whatever good is dis- covered in either may be commented upon, but let silence cover what is amiss. Guests should be careful about de-r facing the marble of dressing-bureaus, mantles, and wash- stands, or the carpets and furniture covering, with the contents of the bottles in their dressing-cases ; and never allow their maids to use fine damask towels for wiping the dust from their walking-boots. Careful home training is shown by a due regard for these matters. When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her phaeton, he should walk to her house if he accepts the invitation, unless the distance being great she should propose to call for him. Under such circumstances he will be on the watch, and, if possible, meet her on the way. A gentleman precedes a lady passing through a crowd j ladies precede gentlemen under ordinary circumstances. When two ladles meet in a doorway, and the younger steps back to give the elder precedence, should the latter motion her to precede, she should bow and pass in without hesitation. A gentleman in paying a morning or evening call rises successively upon the entrance of each lady in the family, but does not rise a second time if the ladies are passing in and out of the room, unless he has some reason for doing so. It is embarassing to a lady who is called out of the room frequently, to find a gentleman rising each time of her return. An invitation once given cannot be recalled, even from the best motives, without subjecting the one who recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or regardless of all conventional rules of politeness. There is but one excep- tion to this rule, and that is when the invitation has been delivered to the wrong person. 390 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. False delicacy once prevented a lady from sending for an invitation that had been sent by mistake, and the sender of the invitation was afterwards represented, first, as push- ing, in asking older residents, and next, as rude, in not inviting all the members of the large family, who had taken occasion to leave cards upon her when the one wrongly-delivered invitation had been received. To sit with your back to a person, without asking to be excused ; to lounge or yawn in the presence of others ; to sit or stand with the feet wide apart ; to hum or sing in suppressed tones ; to stand with the arms " akimbo j" to do anything, in short, which shows disrespect or selfishness, or indifference, is unequivocally vulgar, and betrays bad breeding. Servants who have not been well trained, nor fully in- structed as to their duties, often do their employers injus^ tice. The neglect of servants frequently seems to give evidence of the incapacity of the master or mistress. Of course there are circumstances constantly occurring, emer- gencies in which the servant must use his or her own judg- ment ; but there are duties which are always the same. For example : A foreigner, going to the cloak-room, after an evening party, in one of our principal cities, was told by the servant in attendance, " There's your ulster and crush hat, sir, all safe, under that big chair." The gentleman, taking this piece of information in good part, answered, " Thauk you, you have taken very good care of them, I see. Now will you get them out for me, and help me on with them ?" The amused foreigner left with the impres- sion that this was an American custom, instead of an ex- ceptional case. On another occasion, a lady leaving a house in the rain, after an evening party, where the ser- vant in charge of the door had not provided umbrellas for the use of the guests, in going to their carriages, asked the tJOGIAI' OBSEHVANGBS. 391 man if he could get her one. He said he could not. When this fact reached his mistress, she interrogated the man to know if it were possible he had been so remiss in his duties. This modern Casa;bianca replied, "I could not disobey yonr oi-ders, madam, and you told me on no account whatever to leave the door." Never reprove servants or children before strangers. Slight inaccuracies in statements should not be corrected in the presence of others. Give your children, unless married, their Christian names only, or say " my daughter," or " my son," in speaking of them to any one excepting servants. Gentlemen lift their hats when passing ladies who are strangers, on staircases, in corridors, and enKring public rooms. In riding, driving, or walking on public prome- nades, the salute in passing acquaintances is not necessary after the fii-st time meeting the eyes. Gentlemen having occa.sion to pass ladies who are already seated in lecture and concert-rooms, theatres, and all other places, should beg pardon for disturbing them ; passing with their faces and never with their backs toward them. At garden parties, and at all assemblies held in the open air, gentlemen keep their hats on their heads. If draughts of cold air, or other causes, make it necessary for them to retain their hats on their heads, when in the presence of ladies within doors, they explain the necessity, and ask perm ission of the ladies whom they accompany. Formerly, all ladies arriving at dinners, parties, or balls, thoughb it necessary, upon entering the drawing-room, to take the arm of their husbands, or of some gentleman. Now the escort follows closely without offering his arm (where the former method is not looked upon as essential), as iii the best society abroad. Madame MacMahon's treatment of JIadame Simon ia SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. attributed to the following cause: "At the first dinner given at the Elysee, Madame Jules Simon, instead of en- tering the drawing-room in advance of her husband, and leaving him to follow behjnd, and occupy himself with not treading on the train of her gown, came in arm-in arm with him, as a grocer's wife might have done, and as no lady familiar with the present usages of polite society in Paris would ordinarily have done. From that moment she had the Marshal's wife for her avowed enemy." This absurd pretext for dislike was made only to cover the real cause, which was entirely a political one. Ladies in escorting each other never offer or take the arm. Avoid speaking of your birth, your travels, and of all personal matters to those who may misunderstand you, and consider it boasting. When led to speak of them, do not dwell too long upon them, and do not speak boastfully. Never speak of absent persons who are not relatives or intimate friends by their Christian names or surnames, but always as Mr. , or Mrs. , or Miss . Above all, never name any one by the first letter of his name, as Mr. A . Married persons are sometimes guilty of this offence against good taste, when speaking or writing of each other. Give a foreigner his name in full when speak- ing of him, as Monsieur de Vigny; never as Monsieur only. Acknowledge an invitation to stop with a friend, or any unusual attention, without delay. Never refuse a present unless under very exceptional circumstances. Unmarried ladies ought not to accept pres- ents from gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to them. There is a rule to the effect that in presenting a book to a friend, the name of the one to whom you give it must not SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 893 be wriiten in it unless requested. This rule is better hon- ored in the breach than in the observance, when the giver of the book is its author. " Our tokens of love," says Emer- son, " are for the most part barbarous, cold, and lifeless, be- cause they do not represent our life. The only gift, is a portion of thyself. Therefore, let the farmer give his corn ; the miner, a gem ; the sailor, coral and shells ; the painter, his picture ; and the poet, his poem." For this reason, to persons of refined natures, whatever the artist, poet, or friend creates, takes added value as a part of themselves — part of their lives, as it were, having gone into it. People of the highest rank abroad will often accept with gratitude a bit of embroidery done by a friend ; a poem inscribed to them by an author ; a sketch executed by some protegi ; who would not care for the most expensive bauble that was offered to them. Mere costliness does not constitute the soul of a present, it is the kind feeling that it manifests, which gives it its value. Those who possess noble natures do not make gifts where they feel neither affection nor respect. Their gifts are bestowed out of the fulness of kind hearts. Ac- knowledge a present without delay, but do not quickly follow it up by a return. It is to be taken for granted that a gift; is intended to afford pleasure to the recipient, not to be regarded as a mere question of investment or exchange, Never allude to a present which you have given, unless you have reason to fear it has not reached its destination. A good memory for names and faces, and a self-possessed manner, are necessary to all who wish to create a favorable impression in society. Those who see that they are not re- membered should have self-respect enough to recall atten- tion, where they have been the recipient of any courtesy ; a persistency in touching the hat when passing is a gentle- man's best form of calling himself to the recollection of a 394 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. lady to wiiom he has been properly introduced, and evi- dences the best breeding. Only snobbish or pretentious people could misconstrue such a civility. One cannot be too civil to ladies and gentlemen, has passed into a proverb ; but it must be remembered that civilities, to make sure of their being appreciated, ought not to be extended to persons who belong to either a higheroralowerclassof society. The former are warranted in looking upon you as pushing ; the latter are apt to consider you as patronizing them. A clear intonation, a well-chosen phraseology, a logical habit of thought, and correct accent, will prove of inesti- mable advantage to the young of both sexes on beginning life. Vulgarisms in conversation must be scrupulously guarded against. A well-educated and finely cultured person pro- claims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language. It is those who are but half educated who in- dulge in fine language, and think it distinguished to use long words and high-sounding phrases. A hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy and should be avoided. Such phrases as "awfully pretty," " immensely jolly," "abominably stupid," "disgustingly mean," are not in good form and should be avoided. Awkwardness of atti- tude does one the same il 1 service as awkwardness of speech. Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass or a watch-chain, and the like, give an air of gaucherie, and, so to say, take off a certain percentage from the respect of others. A lady who sits cross-legged or sideways on her chair, who stretches out her feet, who has a habit of hold- ing her chin, or twirling her ribbons, or fingering her buttons ; a man who lounges in his chair, or nurses his leg, or bites his nails, or caresses his foot crossed over on his knee, manifests an unmistakable want of good home traf ing. Both should be quiet, easy and graceful in theii SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 895 carriage, the gentleman, of course, being allowed more freedom than the lady. He has the privilege of sitting cross-legged, if privilege it be, but he should not sit with his knees far apart, nor with his foot on his knee, hand- ling it in the presence of ladies, as some of our swells have a fondness for doing. Is it that they have a woman's weak- ness for displaying a well-made foot, or do the silk stock- ings lure them into this exhibition of vanity? If an object is to be indicated you must move the whole hand, or the head, but never point with the finger. If one is obliged to touch his person, let it be with all the fingers and not with a single one, as is the habit of bumpkins. Coughing, sneezing, clearing the throat, etc., if done at all, must be done as quietly as possible. Snuffling, hawk- ing, expectorating, must never be performed in society. Pressing the thumbs or fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose will, when one wishes to prevent sneezing, stop it in the act. If not checked, the face should be buried in the handkerchief, for obvious reasons. Susceptible nerves are often tortured by the beating of time with the feet, whistling, or humming, which travelling companions indulge in. In tlie home circle it is never allowed, but one cannot control strangers in a railway car. This is one of the reasons that travelling in Europe is rendered so much more agreeable. Those who have nerves of steel, and no exclusive tastes, prefer our own cars to the European railway carriages. The breath should be kept sweet and pure. Onions are called the forbidden fruit of this century. No gentleman ought to come into the presence of ladies smelling of tobacco. In those homes where the husband is permitted to smoke in any room that he fancies to use for the time being, be it drawing-room or chamber, the sons will follow the father's 396 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTB. example, and the air of the house, in more ways than one, will be like that of a public house. Physical education is indispensible to every wellbred man and woman. A gentleman should not only know how to fence, to box, to ride, to shoot, to swim, and to play at billiards, he must also know how to carry himself, and how .to dance if he would enjoy life to the uttermost. A good carriage is only attained by the help of a drilling- master, and boxing must also be scientifically taught. A man should make himself able to defend himself from ruffians, and to defend women from them also. What fencing and drilling are to a man, dancing and calisthenic exercises are to a young woman. Every lady should know how to dance, whether she intends to dance in society or not; the better the physical training, the more graceful and self-possessed she will be. Swimming, skating, archery, games of lawn-tennis and croquet, riding and driving, all help to strengthen the muscles, and to take the young out in the open air, whielj , makes these games desirable. The subject is one that too much cannot be said of by parents, teachers, and educa- tional reformers. In boating parties, one gentleman should always stay in the boat, and do his best to steady it, while the others help the ladies to step in it from the bank or landing. As the seat of honor in a boat is that occupied by the stroke oar, it is etiquette for the owner of the boat to oifer it to his friend, should he be a rower. In skating, a gentleman carries the skates of the lady whom he accompanies. He fastens on her skates, guides, supports, and instructs her if she be a novice. In conversation, all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of expressions, hesi- 800IAL OBSERVANCES. 397 tation, an undue use of French or other foreign words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness, triviality, or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address ladies in a very flippant manner, which they are obliged to pass over without notice, because of various reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy man has done himself an ir- reparable injury by thus creating a lasting prejudice in the minds of those whom he might have made his friends, had he addressed them as though he considered them rational beings, capable of sustaining their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects. This flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half-opened mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. Suppression of undue emotion, whether of laughter, or anger, or mortification, or disappointment, or of selfishness in any form, is a sure mark of good training. Do not go into society unless you can make up your mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well a.s animated. Society does not require mirth, but it does de- mand cheerfulness and udselfishness, and you must help to make and sustain conversation. The matter of con- versation is as important as the manner. Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. Flattery most certainly is. But between equals, or from those of superior posi- tion to those of inferior station, compliments should be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant to know that our friends think well of us, and it is always agreeable to know that we are thought well of by those who hold higher positions, as men of superior talent, or women of superior culture. Compliments which are not sincere are only flattery, and should be avoided ; but the saying of kind things which is natural to the kind hearty and which 898 SENSIBLE ETIQUETa?B. confers pleasure, should be cultivated — at least not sup* pressed. Those parents who strive most for the best modes of training their children, are said to have found that it is never wise to censure them for a fault withdut preparing the way by some judicious mention of their good qualities. The flattery of those who are richer than ourselves, or better born, is vulgar, and born of snobbism ; and is sure to be received as emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your respect, your admiration, your gratitude to such by deeds more than by words. Words are easy, but deeds difficult. Few will believe the first, but the last carry confirmation with them. Abroad, compliments are not tabooed, excepting in England, and should be received without offence. All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any way witty. Only the very young or the uncultivated so consider it. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vul- garities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all inter- ests. A paragraph in one of John Hughes's letters to Doctor Watts, with a little change, might be made to read as follows : Gossip is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears, and never bites deep ; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from his den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage ; gossip of contempt. Those who best understand the nature of gossip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, and will allow no slander of themselves to go un- refuted during their lifetime, to spring up in a hydra- headed attack upon their children. No woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral character, SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 399 whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the influence of her writings. Religion is a topic that should never be introduced into general society. Like politics, it is a subject dangerous to harmony. Persons are most likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their temper on these topics. Long argu- ments in general company, however entertaining to the disputants, are, to the last degree, tiresome to the hearers. Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good-breeding. It has been aptly said, if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his prog- ress. To listen well is almost as great an art as to talk well ; but it is not enough only to listen, you must endeavor to seem interested in the conversation of others. Only the lowbred allow their impatience to be made evident. Young persons can but appear ridiculous when satirizing or ridiculing books, people, or things ; opinion, to be worth the consideration of others, should have the advantage of maturity. Cultivated persons are not in the habit of re- sorting to such weapons as satire and ridicule. They find too much to correct in themselves, to indulge in coarse censure of the conduct of others, who may not have had advantages equal to their own. Anecdotes should be very sparsely introduced into con- versation. Puns are everywhere considered vulgar. Rep- artee must be indulged with moderation. It must never be kept up, as it then degenerates into the vulgarity of an altercation. In addressing persons with titles, add the name always, as, " What do you think of it. Doctor Hoyt ?" not " What do you think of it, Doctor ?" Few solecisms give deeper 400 BENSIBLK ETIQUETTE. offence than any liberty taken with one's name, which should invariably be spelled and pronounced according to the example of the possessor. In speaking to foreigners, the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter what the title of a French- man, he is always addressed as Monsieur, and you never omit the word Madame, whether addressing a duchess or a dressmaker. The former is " Madame la Duchesse," the latter, plain " Madame." Always give a foreigner his title. To omit it savors of ill-breeding, although it may arise only from ignorance. If Admii'al Hightone travels in Europe, and is received by the best classes with the dignity that his worth, culture, and position as an American admiral demands, he will never be called Mr. Hightone, but his title will invariably precede his name. There are some persons who fancy that the omission of a title is annoying to those who possess them. This is not the ground taken why the title should be given, but because it reveals' either ignorance or ill- breeding on the part of those omitting it. " We Americans don't care for titles," said an illbred youth. " Sir Abercrombie was introduced to me, but I didn't ' sir ' him. I called hini Mr. Abercrombie all the time." This young man afterwards made an unsuccessful at- tempt to get the prefix of Captain to his name. The same class of persons, from ignorance of the cus- toms of good society, speak of persons by their Christian names, who are neither relatives nor intimate friends. This is a familiarity which, outside the family circle, and beyond friends of the closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the wellbred. It is left to provincial people to say " Sir," " Ma'am," and " Miss," in conversation with their equals. The great SOCIAL OBSERVANCES. 401 secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as skilfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of talking commonplaces to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of gentlemen, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted. The latter savors of pedantry, the former of want of savoir faire; and a woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary edu- cation by the other. If you really wish to be thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, and unselfish, yes, and well- informed also, lead the way in t^te-a-tfite conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a mother to talk of her children, a traveller of his journeys and the countries he has seen, a young lady of her last ball and the prospective ones, an artist of his picture, and an author of any book that he has written. Do not, however, tell the artist that you hope he will send you a ticket to the Spring exhibition, wliere his pic- ture has been placed, in order that you may have the pleas- ure of seeing it ; nor an author, that you have sent to the circulating library until you were tired, as the book is always out, lest they may be tempted to answer that they have known two or three of their friends who have pur- chased the tickets or bought the book. Nothing is more gratifying to an author than to find his book in sight upon entering a house ; to the artist, than to see at least a print of his best picture, which has taken a prize or received honorable mention. Yet, in these days, when the world is flooded with new books and new pictures, it is only the most intimate of his friends from whom either artist or author can expect to receive such a flattering at' teotion. 402 SENSIBLE ETIQCBTTE. A witty and able author once made the remark that he had received such myriads of letters containing favorable notices of his books that he was at a loss to understand how so few of them had been sold, until he reflected that they must have been very generally borrowed. "Though the writers of books are many," says General de Peyster, "the writers of well-written books are few;" and it is a com- pliment to the authors when books are even universally borrowed; still more when they are ably criticized. To show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very flattering, and when not in general society one is always privileged to do this. People take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else which you can name (unless the good that is in their hearts has beeu eaten out by a love of gossip concerning the aflairs of others), and if you manifest any interest to hear, there are but few who will not sustain conversation by a narration of these affairs in some form or another. Thackeray says : " Be interested by other people and with their affairs. It is because you yourself are selfish that that other person's self does not interest you." In a tSte-^-t^te conversation, however interesting, it is extremely illbred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. Never put the hand or a fan up to hide the lips.in talking. Avoid conversing in society with the members'of your own family. Always look but never stare at those with whom you converse. If, upon the entrance of a visitor, you carry on the thread of a pre- vious conversation, you should briefly recapitulate to him enough of what has been said to enable him to understand it. Remember that a low voice is an excellent thing in woman. There is a certain distinct but subdued tone which is peculiar to persons of the best breeding. It is better even to speak too low than too loud. Everything THOROUGH EDUCATION. 403 "loud" in style or dress is objectionable, loud voices and loud laughter included. Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the illiterate, the impatient, the envious, reveal their char- acter by it ; for strive as they may, they cannot always be acting. There are many words, the use of which reveal the degree of cultivation, or which are used in some cases by persons who have known better, but who have become careless from association with others who make constant use of them. " Because that" and " but that" should never be used in connection, the word "that" being entirely su- perfluous. The word "vocation" is often used for "avoca- tion;" the former means a calling, the latter a calling from, and thus a man cannot attend to his vocation, because he has avocation elsewhere. " Unhealthy food " is often spoken of when it should be "unwholesome." "Had not ought to" is sometimes heard for "ought not to;" "preven- tative" for "preventive;" "banister" for "baluster;" "aught" (o) for "naught;" "handsful" and "spoonsful" for " handfuls " and " spoonfuls ; " "it was her" for "it was she;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom do you think was there?" for "who do you think was there?" "a mu- tual friend " for " a common friend ; " " like I did " instead of "as I did ; " "those sort of things" instead of "this sort of thing;" '■' laying down " for "lying down;" "setting on a chair" for "sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of "try to make him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she looked charming ; " " loan " for " lend " (a not un- common vulgarism); " to get along" instead of "to get on;" "cupalo" instead of "cupola;" "who" for "whom;" — as "who did you see?" for " whom did you see?" double nega- tives, as "Fleetfoot did not win the race — at least I don't think he did;" "lesser" for "least;" "move" instead of "remove;" "ofi"-set," instead of "set-off;" "oldest" instead 404 SENSIBLE ETIQDETTB. of "eldest;" and many, many other words which are often carelessly used by those who have been better taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of their proper use. The author of that excellent book, " The Art of Conversation," recommends " Live and Learn," a work which contains examples of one thousand errors in speaking. The course of reading which is laid down by this author is admirable in selection, comprising not only works on sesthetics, on the various sciences and the choicest writings of standard authors, but those books of miscellaneous knowledge, best adapted to suggesting topics of conversa- tion and to instruct in literary composition. The "Art of Conversation " is not only a book for the young, who seek counsel for self-education, but it should be studied by all who are interested in the culture of young people — teachers as well as parents. There are some writers who express themselves in purer English than others, and whose works it is well to study for the cultivation of style. Macaulay, Sydney Smith, Southey, Jeremy Taylor, Defoe, George Eliot, and Anthony Trollope, are distinguished for good, clear Saxon English. Among American authors, too numerous to mention, the works of Washington Ir- ving, Emerson, Motley, and Hawthorne stand high on the list. The indifference of parents to this matter of forming and guiding the tastes of their children in early youth, even of very intelligent men and women, is extraordinary. Children are .permitted to select books at will from home libraries, which must always contain among their standard, works many things that should not be brought to the notice of immature minds ; and boys and girls are given the largest liberty in visiting public libraries, and in choosing therefrom at random, books, of the character of which they know nothing, and against which there is n« THOROUGH EDUCATION 405 one to warn them. Nothing is more important to the educa- tion of a child than its reading. Many a man has obtained almost all the education he has from such a source. And yet the mass of parents, while exercising the most scru- pulous care in selecting teachers for their children, are utterly lieedless of the nature of the material which is gathered by them from the books they read for entertain- ment. A wise father will find it most profitable to the in- tellect and the morals of his sons to outline for them, from their earliest childhood, the course of reading in which they must proceed, and to guide them carefully through it. The parent who has not the acquaintance with literature which is necessary to the preparation of such a plan, ought to seek the counsel of some learned and judicious friend who can arrange a system for him. Fiction of course is not to be excluded. There is a wide range among the standard novel writers in which a lad or young girl may be permitted to go almost at will. But the flashy novels, the unclean novels, the novels that glow with the fires of impure passions, are to be relentlessly proscribed. A boy can obtain more real enjoyment from such a wholesome book as Robinson Crusoe, than he can from any of the tales of adventure which corrupt and dis- tort his mind. But a youth should be taught very early to look with other than the very common feeling of dis- like upon more solid literature. An intelligent boy who «an be induced to read, for instance, such a book as "Prescott's Conquest of Mexico," will find that it has an interest possessed by no work of fiction ; that upon a solid basis of instructive fact, there is built a story of enterprise, daring, and heroic achievement so fascinating that it will rivet the attention and excite the enthusiasm of the dullest reader. The excellent works of this class, and of other classes equally important, are so plentiful that the only 406 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. matter for perplexity in laying out a course of reading will be to choose the best among the thoroughly good. But the important object to be aimed at is to train the undeveloped taste of the learner so that it will prefer the pure and profitable things to those that are dangerous and worthless. The mind of a child .can be disciplined in such a matter quite as readily as its feet can be taught to walk, and the process does not demand harsh treatment of any • kind. The young intellect may be led by pleasant paths up through the most beautiful ways of literature to easy familiarity with the best thoughts of the world's best wri- ters, and to loving appreciation of all that is good and noble and elevating in the things that are recorded in books. The child who has had such training is the most fortunate of beings. The man who has grown up under such a system has had mental discipline and has acquired knowledge which will equip him most fitly for the battle of life. The churches cannot possibly do this work, so- ciety cannot do it, no organized effort on the part qf wise men can accomplish it. It must be done by those who make the child's life a part of their own, who minister to the child in other things, and who have the authority and the tender solicitude which only a parent can have. But the other agencies can enlighten parents and show them clearly what are their opportunities, and that there is dire need of such enlightenment is certain enough. Those mothers who realize how vast are their responsi- bilities, and who seek that counsel from the experienced which such mothers always feel the need of receiving, and that co-operation . of teachers, which is essential to the highest and best development of the mental, moral, and physical nature of children, will find in a little book called " Sex In Education," those suggestions which are the most needed for enabling them to attain such an end. THOROUGH EDUCATION 407 It is true that the reader of this book, if a mother, might feel at first that she would rather err upon the side of too little learning for her children than too much, and exclaim against the advocates of woman's higher culture for seeking to stimulate girls into the pursuance of more ambitious aims in following their home or their school studies. " Harvard examinations for girls ! " said a mother not long since. " What ! do they propose to send girls to college ? and no matrons to look after them ! " Not at all. Harvard examinations for girls are not identical with the entrance examination of the University, nor are its doors thrown open to women ; but are offered as a test of culture, with a desire to promote that thorough- ness of instruction and acquisition, which will, at least, tend to establish the basis of education on as firm a foundation for women as for men. Whether regarded as a special preparation for teaching or other literary work, or as a means of purely private mental cultivation, it cannot fail to richly compensate those who are willing to strive earnestly after that thorough education, which it is the object of the " Harvard examinations " to aid women in attaining. At present, the chief impediments to the higher edu- cation of woman are the superficial character of her studies, and the opposition of men who associate blue- stockings in their minds with all that is unfeminine and unlovely. ■ But if we look around us in social life and note down who are the faithful wives, the most patient and careful mothers, the most exemplary housekeepers, the model sisters, the wisest philanthropists, and the women of the most social influence, we will have to admit that most frequently they are women of cultivated minds, without which even warm hearts and good intentions are but partial influences. 408 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. It will be seen that mothers who have fancied that the advocates of " Harvard examination," are seeking to give girls a co-education with their brothers, and that they are aiming at a more exhaustive course of study than has yet been laid out for them, are in error. Such women take but a narrow and one-sided view of the word " education." Dr. Clark shows the readers of his book that, according to his ideas, education comprehends instruction, discipline, manners, and habits; that it in, eludes home-life, school-life, and social-life ; and the same author tells us that if we would give our girls a fair chance, and see them become and do their best by reaching after and attaining an ideal beauty and power, which shall be a crown of glory and a tower of strength to the re- public, we must look after their complete development as women. This is too sensible a statement not to be ad- mitted without question ; but is it not a fact that, befdre boys and girls have attained their full growth, that amount of study that is bad for the one is bad for the other ; and should not the ol)ject be, of both parents and teachers, an equal degree of thoroughness for either sex ? The same studies that are pursued by boys for the strengthening of the faculties of the mind will produce the same result in girls; and when we remember how large a share of the training of her sons falls to the lot of a mother, we see how important it is that a woman's re- flective and reasoning faculties should be well developed before such responsibilities are thrust upon her. Why then is it that our girls are taught so much that is superficial? such a smattering of many branches? when two or three studies at a time, systematically pursued and thoroughly mastered, would accomplish so much more for them in the way of mental training, as well as in lay- ing a solid foundation for that structure, which, although THOROUGH EDUCATIOK. 409 the work of a lifetime, each one must build for herself. A man's mind may be roused by another, and his desire to improve and advance himself excited by another, but he must mould his own material, quarry his own na- ture, make his own character. Admitting this, what then is the work of the teacher and the parent ? Not only is it to lay the foundation aright, but to supply such tools as are best fitted to this life work. Hosf often are young girls given from six to ten studies, in which they prepare daily lessons, and this too, at an age when the development of their physical growth is checked by excess of mental labor: geography, history, ancient and modern ; natural philosophy, botany, chemistry, math- ematics, mental philosophy, rhetoric, grammar, astron- omy, and weekly or semi-weekly lessons in political economy, English literature and composition. All these, without touching upon languages, music, drawing, and needlework. Is it any wonder that mothers who have not understood the aim of the advocates of a higher edu- cation for our girls cry out against it ? Is it any wonder that the victims of our present system protest that their school education already embraces a higher number of studies than they are able to pursue? A course of instruction that bestows only a smattering of many branches wastes the powers of the mind. It does not lay aright the foundation, nor does it provide the neces- sary tools for the work of self-improvement. Concentra- tion of the mind upon the thorough acquisition of all it ■undertakes, strengthens the reflective, and forms the rea- soning faculties, and thus helps to lay a solid foundation for future usefulness. We see the idea now everywhere advanced, that owing to the changes in social and industrial life which have crowded many women from the privacy of their homes into 410 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the arena of public life, they must select their branch of labor and train for it as a man trains for his work (when the circumstances of their parents make it impossible to secure to them an independent position) if they wish to attain any degree of success. Even where women have an independence, their lives will be all the happier if they have been trained with some end in view ; some occupation, that . in case of reverses may be made a self-sustaining one. The woman who is able to support herself increases her chances for a happy marriage, or, as Lady Gore Langton expresses it, "A woman who knows that in remaining single she does not leave herself without interest and occu- pation, would both double her chances of marriage, and be able to judge calmly of an offer when it comes." So that still another advantage would be gained, by diminishing the number of those loveless marriages, which are as dis- honorable to women as they are deteriorating to their moral natures, and productive of unalloyed misery to both hus- bands and wives. But to return to the subject of school instruction.- In the preposterous number of lessons given to our daughters lies one source of the deficiencies in their education. It is also the fruitful cause of their deficient physical develop- ment, and of the ofttimes serious consequences that result from the too great strain imposed upon their mental pow- ers. The word education means to educe, to draw out the powers of the mind ; not the cramming into it of facts and dates, and of whole pages, to be repeated like a parrot. Not until the best methods for drawing out these powers are pursued, with a view to the highest development of the physical, moral, and mental nature combined, will our women receive that " higher education " which fits them first and foremost to be wivSs and mothers, and equally well fits them to take care of themselves when destiny THOROUGH EDUCATION. 411 makes it necessary for them to depend upon their own exertions. Dr. Clarke tells us, in his book referred to, that it is not the object of a liberal female education to ar- rest her physiological development ; that such is not the consummation which the progress of the age demands. Let us hope with him that it is only necessary to point out the existence of our erroneous method, and prove its evil re- sults, to have parents and teachers unite in the work of reformation. So well has Dr. Clarke done this work of pointing out, in his book, " Sex In Education," that we know of no greater act of philanthropy toward our race, than it would be to place a copy in the hands of every mother capable of understanding it. Its pages tell us how woman can have a liberal education that will de- velop all her powers up to the loftiest ideal of woman- hood, as well as that this higher culture is the legitimate aim of womankind. " Physiology," he says, " teaches that this result, the attainment of which our hopes prophesy, is to be secured, not by an identical education of the sexes, but by a special and appropriate education, that shall pro- duce a just and harmonious development of every part." To mothers, with young daughters to rear, who have given this subject any thought, but who have felt they were walking in darkness as far as any steps in the way of reform were concerned, this book of Dr. Clarke's will come like an angel of light to reveal the path of duty ; while to those less fortunate mothers, who having felt the need of a more thorough education for their daughters than girls generally receive, have stimulated their mental efforts at the expense of their proper physical development, it will waken that knell of memory, " Too late ! too late !" Surely there is no mother who has not thought that our school systems are at fault, as much for her sons as for her daughters. Is it ^ight for any growing child to be kept in 412 SENSIBLE ETIQDETTB. any school but a Kinder-Garten five hours of the day, with additional study hours at home ? How can we look for other than deterioration of our race so long as mothers pay so little attention to the laws of physiology ? The wonder is, that when the brain is so constantly taxed, and the physiological development overlooked, that nature, in ful- filling her laws, makes any selections for survival from our men and women of intellect, and not that so few persons of genius have transmitted their mental qualities to their posterity. The physiological motto is. Educate a man for manhood, a woman for womanhood, both for humanity. ' In this lies the hope of the race. Dr. Clarke tells us that the race holds its destinies in its own hands ; he should have said it is woman who holds and controls the destinies of mankind. When one generati9n of mothers and teachers have been educated upon physiological principles ; when the question is not "What can woman do?" but, "What can she best do ?" then will girls have a fair chance of reaching after and attaining that ideal of beauty and power which shall make them a crown of glory and a tower of strength to a republic. . Appropriate education of the two sexes, carried as far as possible, is a consummation most devoutly to be desired ; identical education of the two sexes is a crime before God and humanity, that physiology protests against and that experience weeps over. Herbert Spencer has drawn attention to the evils result- ing from the want of a proper course of training and prep- aration for girls, in the following words : "It is an aston- ishing fact that, though on the treatment of oflspring depend their lives or deaths and their moral welfare or ruin, yet not one word of instruction on treatment of offspring ia ever given to those who will by and by be parents. .... Consider the young mother and her nursery legislation. HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN. 41^ > . . .no thought having been given to the grave re- sponsibilities of maternity, and scarcely any of that solid intellectual culture obtained which would be some prepara- tion for such responsibilities. And now see her, with an unfolding human character committed to her charge ; see her profoundly ignorant of the phenomena with which she has to deal, undertaking to do that which can be done but imperfectly with the aid of the profoundest knowledge." Physiology is but one branch in that higher education which women need to enable them to fulfil the vatious duties of their allotted stations. From the full apprecia- tion of the desirability of more thoroughness in all branches that they undertake, has sprung the Harvard examinations for women. Those who pass them have acquired that thorough mastery of the studies pursued, which insures to them, if they have native energy, success in whatever they undertake — success where men will have the monopoly as long as women are deficient in such preparation. Without ii, those who enter upon the struggle for life must do it almost as hopelessly as a drowning man catches at straws j for want of thoroughness in the education of women is their greatest hindrance to success in all branches of labor. Mrs. William Gray, of London, who is so nobly doing in England the work which Sheridan planned, and Aime- Martin indorsed, says, in one of her papers read before the Social Science Congress in 1871 : "Let it not be supposed that I undervalue marriage, or that I want to broach some wild theory of feminine independence ; so far from it, I hold that only in the union of man and woman is human life perfect and complete. I would not wish, even if it were possible, to make women independent of men ; but neither do I wish them to sit in half-starved or luxurious idleness, or worse still, planning for husbands by whom they are to be raised to the single dignity possible to them. 414 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Let us not rest — no, not an instants-till we have won for women the right and the means to the highest culture of which their nature is capable ; not that they may gratify an unwomanly spirit of selfish ambition and rivalry, but that they may become more worthy and more fit to do the noble work Grod has given them to do." Studying for the Harvard examinations, whether re- garded as a course of training for self-support, or as a means of higher cultivation of the mind, will bring its gain* in the supplanting of showy superficialities by that solid knowledge which has been lacking in the education of women, and which is so sadly needed, not only to pre- pare girls to be good wives and mothers, but to fit those who do not sustain these relations to fill honorable careers — making of them women— ^ ••' Who say not to their Lord, as if afraid, Here is thy talent in a napkin laid, But labor in their sphere as those who live In the delight that work alone can give." Until our girls are better fitted, by training and educa- tion, to take care of themselves, by all means let them continue to have that restraining presence of chaperons which they always have had in our really best society. MISCALLED EDUCATION. 415 CHAPTEE XIV. MISCALLED EDUCATION — WANT OF INDIVIDUALITY — OKIGI- NAL PEOPLE — AIMLESS STUDY — OBJECTS OF WOMAN'S HIGHEE CULTURE. That noble Englishwoman, Emily Shirreff, daughter of Admiral Shirreff, who has given all the best years of her life to reforms in the education of women, defines " higher education " in this admirable manner : " It is simply the education that follows that of school ; the course of study pursued after the preparatory studies of schooltime are completed. Higher education would, in its full meaning, com- prise these as part of the mgans of that self-culture which begins when childish trammels are cast ofi', to end only when the uses of this world have trained the immortal spirit for higher work in some yet unknown region." " Sensible of the supreme importance of right education toward the happiness of a state, our ancestors bestowed the strictest attention upon forming the manners of the youth. . . . Nor did they think it sufficient to lay a foundation of good principles in the minds of young people, and leave them, after they were grown up, to act as they pleased; on the contrary, the manners of adult persons were more strictly inspected than those of youth. . . . The general prevalence of these dispositions in a people is brought about by education and example. . . . Those whose minds have received from education a proper bent, will behave well, though left to themselves. ... To advise that we should return to some of the institutions of our an- cestors is surely a very different matter from proposing innovations. . . Experience may teach us what we have to expect, if we go on in the track we are now in." — Isocraies' Areopagic Oration. " Nothing is more prejudicial to democracy than its outward forms of behavior ; many men would willingly endure its vices, who can- not support its manners. Though the manners of European aristoc- racy do not constitute virtue, they sometimes embellish even virtus itself. 416 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. " If I were asked to what the singular prosperity and growing strength of the Americans ought mainly to be attributed, I should reply, to the superiority of their women." — Democracy in America. More than two thousand years ago, Isocrates, a distin- guished writer of Athens, gave utterance to his views concerning the chief requisite toward contributing to the happiness of a people or a state; from which discourse the compiler has culled what he then said of the importance of bestowing the strictest attention upon forming the man- ners of youth in order to gain this end. Word for word, what he then uttered is applicable to the present condition of our society. The history of social life is always repeating itself, as is the history of nations, and those people are the wisest who take the lessons to heart. To a second Isocrates, a disciple of the Athenian oratorj is attributed another dis- course, which consists of moral precepts for the conduct of life and the regulation of the deportment of the young, illustrating the fact that, link by liuk, through long cen- turies, has the culture of one generation been carried down and connected with the next, for the ultimate ad- vancement of mankind. The individual may perish, the race become extinct, but the effect of culture throws re- flected light down the channel of time. All systems may be said to have descended from previous ones. The ideas of one generation are the mysterious pro- genitors of those of the next. Each age is the dawn of its successor, and in the eternal advance of truth, "There always is a rising sun. And day is ever but begun." It is thus true that there is nothing new under the sun, since the new grows from the old as boughs grow from the tree ; and though errors and exaggerations are, from time MISCALLED BDOOATION. 417 to time, shaken off, yet "the things which cannot be shaken " will certainly abide. Carlyle says : " Literature is but a branch of religion, and always participates in its character." It is still more true that education is a branch of mental philosophy, and takes its mould and fashion from it. For it is evident that as philosophy, in succassive ages, gives varying answers as to man's chief end and summum bonum, so education, which is simply an attempt to prepare him therefor, must vary accordingly. Humboldt hints that the vegetation of whole regions bespeaks and depends on the strata beneath ; and it is certainly true that we cannot delve long in the teacher's plot without coming upon those moral questions which go down to the centre. Eieht«r delighted to preach the doctrine of an ideal man, and that education is the harmonious development of the faculties and dispositions of each individual. No one knew better than he that (in Carlyle's words) a. loving heart is the beginning of all kuoW|ledge. This it is that opens the whole mind, and quickens every faculty of the intellect to do its fit work. This it is which influences and controls the manners, and, with proper training, distin- guishes the well-educated from the ill-educated, the man- nerly fi-om the unmannerly ; the gentlewoman from the underbred woman ; the gentleman from the boor. It is the women of a nation who make the manners of the men. More than thirty years ago, Alexis de Tocqneville wrote his book, " Democracy in America," from which we have quoted the above tribute to our women, and the accompany- ing censure to our manners. The censure and the tribute are as just to-day as they were when written. Quite recently, an American lady, writing to a European grandson, expressed the hope that he might some day leave his country and come to America 27 418 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. to be a business man and an Amei'iean. The mother of the boy answered the letter, and the answer so illustrates De Tocqueville's assertion that the compiler quotes a few lines from the letter : " I did not read G what you wrote in reference to his future. I prefer a modest competence here, for my sons, to untold millions in America ; and, as for myself, I would rather live in a cottage here, than in a palace there. The self-conceit and pretentiousness of people, who are neither well born nor well trained, spoil the best society every- where in the United States." It has been said that there is scarcely any soul born into this world in which a self-sacrificing, steady effort on the parent's part may not lay broad and deep the foundations of strength of will, of self-control ; and, therefore, of that self-reverence and self-knowledge which, combined with the possession and love of noble ideas, will enable men and women not only to have good manners, but to be true and useful to God and mankind. The regeneration of society is in the power of the woman, and she turns away from it. The manners of men, the hearts of men, the lives of men are in her hands. How does she use her power? Divers are the answers that might be made to this ques- tion — answers which have living witnesses of their sad truth in every circle of society around us. But we leave them all untouched in this chapter, and continue from the same author. There is no sadder nor uglier sight in this world than to see the women of a land grasping at the ignoble honor and rejecting the noble, leading the men, whom they should guide into high thought and active sac- rifice, into petty slander of gossip in conversation, and into discussion of dangerous and unhealthy feeling, becoming in this degradation of their directing power the curse, and not the blessing of social intercourse — becoming what men WANT OF INDIVIDUALITY; 419 in frivolous moments wish them to be, instead of making men what men should be ; ceasing to protest against im- purity and unbelief, and giving them an underhand en- couragement, turning away from their mission to bless, to exalt, and to console, that they may struggle through a thousand meannesses into a higher position, and waste their divine energy to win precedence over a rival ; ex- pending all the force which their nature gives them in false and sometimes base excitements day after day, with an awful blindness and a pitable degradation ; exhausting life in amusements which fritter away, or in amusements which debase their character — not thinking of the thou- sands of their sisters who are weeping in the night for hunger and for misery of heart. This is not our work, this is the work of men, they say. Be it so, if you like. Let them be the hands that do it ; but who, if not women, are to be the hearts of the redemption of their sex from social wrong? Still nearer home lied the point which is the most im- portant of all, and which we have digressed from in order to give this eloquent passage, namely, the proper education of youth. Our miscalled education looks chiefly as to how a young girl may make a good figure in society, and this destroys in her the beauty of unconsciousness of self She grows up and enters society, and there is either a violent reaction against conventionality, or there is a paralyzing sensitiveness to opinion, or there is a dull repose of char- acter and manner, which is all but equivalent to stagna- tion. We see many who are afraid of saying openly what they think or feel, if it be in opposition to the accred- ited opinions of the world ; we see others who rejoice in shocking opinion for the sake of making themselves re- markable — ^perhaps the basest form of social vanity, for it gives pain, and does not spring from conviction. Both 420 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. forms arise from the education which makes the child self- conscious, leading the mind to ask that degrading ques- tion, " What will people say of me ?" For, to make your children live only by the opinions of others, to train them not to influence, but to submit to the world, is to educate them to think only of themselves, is to train them up to inward falseness, is to destroy all eternal distinctions between right and wrong, is to reduce them to that dead level of uneducated unoriginal- ity which is the most melancholy feature in the young society of the present day. Let them grow naturally, keep them as long as is possible unconscious of themselves; and, for the sake of the world, which, in the midst of all its conventional dulness, longs for something fresh and true, if not for their own sakes, do not press upon them the belief that the voice of society is the measure of what is right or wrong, beautiful or unbeautiful, fitting or unfit- ting for them to do. This want of individuality is one of the most painful deficiencies in our present society. The rectification of this evil lies at the root of Christianity, for all Christ's teachings tend to produce individuality, to rescue men from being mingled up, indistinguishable atoms, with the mass of men ; to teach them that they possess a distinct character, which it is God's will to edu- cate ; distinct gifts, which God the Spirit will inspire and develop; a peculiar work for which each man is elected, and in performing which his personality will become more and more defined. The conventional spirit of the world is in exact opposition to this, to wear all individual- ity down into uniformity. There must be nothing original (in the world's language, eccentric, erratic) ; men must desire nothing strongly, think nothing which the majority do not think, have no strongly outlined character. This state of things causes an atmosphere to brood over WANT OF INDIVIDUALITY. 421 the generality, in which it is becoming more and more impossible for a man of heroic character to develop him- self. The spirit which lives in this atmosphere of torpid- ity sets itself at once in opposition to any man or woman who is rash enough to step forth to challenge the general monotony. The world finds that he or she cannot be borne. It is incredible audacity ! What is his one voice to the grand tone of our collective wisdom ? The man must be put down. So men of individuality are becoming rarer and rarer. Society must not be affronted with origi- nality. It is a rudeness. It suggests that society might be better, that there may be an imperfection here and there. Level everybody, and then let us all collectively advance. Original people shock the world ; as if that were not the very best thing which could happen to the world. Original people are depreciated ; if they persist, they are persecuted and killed. This has been the custom in times past ; but now it would seem that men are long- ing for a new life and a new order of things, longing for some fresh ideas to come and stir the stagnant pool of life. It is one of the advantages of wealth and high position, that those who possess them may unite together and initi- ate the uncustomary without a cry being raised against them. These are the words of Rev. Stopford Brooke, a clergy- man of the Church of England. This is the way in which he handles modern London Society. Would that we had some angel to stir the stagnant waters around us, and make them sweet and clean. But it is not in the power of any one angel to do the work which lies only in the united power of many angels — the angels of our house- holds. And many households have an angel in their midst, whether it be in the form of wife, mother, sister, or daughter ; wherever there is one who, in the face of the 422 SENSIBLE ETIQTJETTB. manifold discouragements of daily life, "borne down by the little carking cares that sap out love and happiness so slowly but so surely," still bears up, and by example and conversation — " Teaches love to suffer and be pure, That virtue conquers if it but endure, That noblest gifts should serve the noblest ends, That he's the richest wha the most befriends ; That through life's journey, dark or bright the day, Pate's not unkind, whatever men may say. If goodness walks companion of their way." It is the preacher's province to inspire women with a desire to do their share in the great work, which should be and which is their mission, namely, the purification, im- provement and regeneration of mankind, by living up to doctrines which, though everywhere professed, are nowhere . followed. These verses from the grand poem of Whittierto " Our Master," reveal wherein we fail. . . . " O Love ineffable 1 Thy saving name is given ; To turn aside from thee is hell, To walk with thee is. heaven I " Not thine the bigot's partial plea, Nor thine the zealot's ban ; Thou well, canst spare a love of the© "Which ends in hate of man. " We bring no ghastly holocaust, "We pile no graven stone ; He serves thee best who loveth most His brothers and thy own." Judged by such a test, who can say, " I am a Christian ?" Rather will not some of the teachings of barbarian phi- losophers put us to shame ! Only by instilling into the WANT OF INDIVIDUALITY. 423 minds of children, from their earliest years, a love of iiis- tace and truth, sympathy with their kind, reverence for all goodness, and conscientious desire to know and to do the right, can we hope to have a generation of Christian men and women, worthy of the republic which confers upon them its unsurpassed rights and privileges. Then shall we have communities accustomed to other principles than those by which our people are now influenced in the mass. Now, as in the time of the republic of Athens, liberty and licentiousness are too often considered as synonymous terms, and the happiness of the unprincir>led consists in the unpunished violation of the laws. An eloquent Athenian orator, calling the attention of his audience to the way in which the original constitution of the common- wealth was administered in the time of Solon, gave utter- ance to sentiments which might be spoken with equal fitness to the present state of oar republic, when comparing it with the time of Washington, as follows : "In those times, the equal distribution of justice which prevailed, brought adequate punishment upon those who deserved it, and conferred the due honors upon such as had earned them by their virtue. Preferment to stations of power and trust was not then open to all promiscuously. They who appeared to the public to have the best claim by merit and character, obtained them ; for they wisely considered, that to promote to high stations men of superior eminence for virtue, was the likeliest means to excite to general emulation among persons of all ranks, even to the lowest, as the people are constantly observed to form their manners upon the model of their superiors. In- stead of the public treasures plundered to fill the coffers of private persons, it was common to see large sums of private wealth voluntarily contributed for defraying the public expense- In those times the difficulty was, to pre- 424 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vail upon the persons qualified for filling important stations to assume them, whereas, in our days, all are aspiring to preferment, worthy and unworthy, qualified and unquali- fied. In those times, they who refused, were the most solicited to assume high stations, as it was considered that merit is commonly diffident of iteelf. In our days, they who elbow others, and thrust themselves forward, obtain the most readily, what they, by this very conduct, show themselves the most unworthy of. Our ancestors did not look upon a place of authority as an emolument, but as a trust ; the. successor did not inquire what suras his prede- cessor had gained while he held his employment, but what he had left undone, that the deficiency might be supplied as soon as possible. " They held it proper that the administration should be trusted to those who had the most to lose in case of a sub- version of the state ; but so, that no riches nor power should screen any person from an inquiry into his conduct, nor from suffering adequate punishment in case of delinquency. The rich thought extreme poverty in the lower people a reflection upon them, as having failed in their patronage of them ; and the poor, far from envying the wealth of their superiors, rejoiced in it, considering the power of the rich as their protection." The general prevalence of these dispositions in a people, the same writer tells us, is not brought about by laws or sanctions, but by education and example, by forming the minds of the people so that they shall have no disposition to offend. The time is ripe in our country's history for availing ourselves of the experience of other republics, which, puffed up with an opinion of their own strength and safety, have trusted to rash and imprudent counsels with fatal results. For now, as always, while a condition of perfect prosperity brings with it the causes and forerunners of WANT OF INDIVIDUALITY. 425 misfortune, narrower circumstances commonly lead on to care, prudence, and safety, causing the wise and patriotic to set themselves with speed and diligence to find out and carry into execution, the most proper and effectual means of redressing evils which otherwise draw after them ruin- ous consequences. What Sheridan worked and planned for, the cause that engaged Madame Neckar de Saussure's and Aime-Martin's eloquent pens, is now occupying the minds and hearts of numbers in our own land, who at length realize that under the domestic roof are formed those opinions and those moral feelings which sustain institutions or prepare their fall. Women are formed to become instructors, for while they hold immediately in their hands the morality of their children, those future sovereigns of the earth, the example they may give and the charm they may diffuse over other periods of life, furnish to them means for the amelioration of every evil. Whatever in political organization is not founded on the true interests of families, soon disappears, or produces only evil ; and as these interests are chiefly confided to women, particularly as the attention of men is otherwise directed, as also in the material arrangements, it is principally to women that the care of health, and the care of property has devolved ; so in the spiritual depart- ment, it is they who communicate or awaken sentiments which are the life of the soul — the eternal impetus of ac- tions. Their influence is immense in the vicissitudes of life. There is then constant action and reaction between public and private life, and thence may result a double advancement in civilization ; for, if domestic administra- tion were generally better understood, a purer element would be poured into society by a thousand channels. That which it seems most necessary to form in woman, is a prompt ability to decide correctly of what every 42& SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. moment requires. Principles elevated, firm, and founded on reflection, joined to her natural gifts, can alone render her capable of fulfilling that mission of instruction for which she is designed ; but not until her own instruction has become as solid and as rational as it has been hereto- fore weak and incoherent, can we hope for this result. In England, women of wealth and high position have banded themselves together, with the Princess Louise at their head, for the purpose of giving facilities for acquiring this higher and better education, which is so necessary for the developing and drawing out of their powers, and, in an humbler way, some of our women, without that co-opera- tion so desirable for fullest success, are working for the same ends. They see the evils of aimless study revealed on all sides — in woman's lessened influence for good on man, in the inherited tendencies of her offspring, and in the deterioration of society, as far as " the graces of high culture," if not its morality, are concerned. Still more plainly do these evils make themselves felt in individual cases of thousands seeking employment and finding none, because they have not had the special trains ing necessary to inspire confidence in patrons who seek for skilful workers, not for inefficient ones. Two facts have now struggled fairly into terrible promi- nence. The first is that thousands of women die of dis- ease and starvation, or rush into sin for want of work ; and the second is that women are fit for a vast number of em- ployments which have hitherto been kept from them, and which, nerved by misery and hunger, they are slowly wrenching from the apathetic grasp of men. These two facts alone are enough- to establish woman's claims to higher culture of her powers — to that special education and training which will fit her for employment, give her a distaste for an idle, frivolous life, and enable her, as mother woman's higher culture. 427 and teacher, to train aright the children committed to her care. We have seen that through her children a woman rules posterity J that she leaves for good or for evil indelible marks on the universe ; that the tendencies inherited from the past are transmitted to the future — acquired qualities as well as natural qualities — and so we come back to the assertion of the Athenian philosopher as to the importance of educating our youth aright. The Reverend H. R. Haweis, an English clergyman,^ writing of the plague-spots of our modern life, asserts that idleness lies at the root of much of the misery of social life. People are wicked and miserable, he says, because they have nothing to do. Idleness breeds selfishness in every possible form, unbalanced feelings, backbiting, and mischief-making. It will wake dormant lusts, and stim- ulate lying and malice and treachery ; and there is hardly anything bad which it will not breed. He continues: Mothers ! see that your daughters are occupied — see that they are well informed as to household duties, as to the duties of married life; for lifelong happiness or misery may depend upon their knowledge of such details. How much disease and misery, mental and physical, might not mothers spare their daughters by a little timely instruction as to the laws of health, a knowledge of what she is fit for,^ married or unmarried. Nowadays a girl's education ends just as she is beginning to unfold, and her mind, which had begun to bud, too often slowly withers or narrows, or becomes a blank. Marriage comes upon her unprepared, or single life; and perhaps family misfortune, penury, comes upon her still more unprepared. What is she to do? She is not fit to teach. She has never been properly taught herself. This writer continues : Let girls take a serious interest in art ; let them take up some congenial study, let 428 SENSIBLE BTIQUETTB. it be a branch of science or history. Let them write. They can do almost anything they try to do, but let theil mothers never rest until they have implanted in their daughters' lives one growing interest beyond ilirtation and gossip, whether it be work at the easel, music, literature, the structure of the human body and the laws of health, any solid interest that will occupy their thoughts and their hearts. Idleness, frivolity, and ignorance can only be put down by education and employment. In the last resort the spirit of evil becomes teacher and taskmaster. There would not be so many opposers to the higher cul- ture of women, if its objects were better understood, but many persons, many parents even, are opposing its advo- cates on the ground that the objects sought are those which the late Reverend Charles Kingsley stated them to be in one of his essays, namely : To make girls read more books, and do more sums, and pass examinations, and stoop over desks, and study Latin, and even Greek. No, these are not the objects of the higher culture of women. By one of Mr. Kingsley's own papers we shall try to show what some of the objects are. He asks. Do you know anything about education, of which the Greeks have not taught us at least the rudiments? To produce health, that is, har- mony and sympathy, proportion, and grace-, in every faculty of mind and body — that was their notion of education. This is one of the first ends that the advocates of the higher culture of women are aiming to attain. Dismissing all " vague sentiments," " wild aspirations,"' and " Utopian dreams," they start on the practical basis that not only money and comfort, but health and life, are dependent upon a higher form of culture, a more thorough course of education than is now the standard. Not more branches of study, but fewer, and a more thorough comprehension of those pursued. Not alone is each individual woman's woman's higher culture. 429 health and life dependent upon the kind and the degree of instruction and education that she receives, but the health and the lives of untold numbers. In proportion as she knows the laws and nature of a subject, she will be able to work at it easily, surely, rapidly, successfully, instead of wasting her energies in mistaken schemes and irregular efforts, which end in disappointment and exhaustion. Knowledge of sanitary laws saves health and life ; knowledge of the laws of intellect saves wear and tear of brain ; and knowledge of the laws of the spirit — what does it not save ? A well-educated moral sense, a well-regulated character, saves from idleness and ennui, alternating with sentimen- tality and excitement ; it saves from excess those tenderer emotions, those deeper passions, those nobler aspirations, which are the heritage of the woman far more than of the man, and which are potent in her, for evil or for good, in proportion as they are left to run wild and undisciplined, or are trained and developed into graceful, harmonious, self-restraining strength, beautiful in itself, and a blessing to all who come under its influence. It is not the wish of the advocates of the higher culture of woman's powers, to withdraw her from her existing spheres of interest and activity, but rather to fit women for the more enlightened performance of their special duties, to help them toward learning how to do better what they have to do, whether as members of society alone, or in the higher walks of a mother's or a teacher's duties, or in any of the arts or professions which may be chosen by them. The work that many women are doing nobly now, with- out instruction, how much more nobly and eflBciently would they be able to do it if they had been taught. In America, more than in any other land, it is necessary that women should be taught the meaning of the words capital, profit, price, value, labor, wages, and of the relation between 43© SENSIBLK BTIQPBTTE. these last two. If they become liousekeepers, how many- mistakes, anxieties, worries, which eat out the health as well as the heart, would they be saved from by a little sound knowledge of the principles of political economy^ As orphans and widows possessing means, how many dis- agreeable experiences, how many losses, how much offend- ing might be avoided by a knowledge of the laws of busi- ness. Is it any wonder that men complain that woman's intellect is not fit for business ; that when a woman takes to business she is apt to do it ill and unpleasantly likewise; to be more suspicious, more irritable, more grasping, more unreasonable than honorable men of business would be; that "a woman does not fight fair?" Rather is it not to be wondered at that she should get through as well as she does what she undertakes, having had no special training for it ? She does not' know the rules of the game slie is playing, and, therefore, she is playing it in the dark, in feat and suspicion, when a little sound knowledge would have set her head and her heart at rest. And for those young women, so rapidly increasing ii4 number, who have to take care of themselves, with no means of so doing provided for them, how necessary it is that whatever studies they undertake should be pursued with thoroughness. In the rapid transitions of fortune that take place in America, what parent can tell whether his daughters will be found in the ranks of the applicants for work, or among those who, in happy and luxuriant homes, train for eternity the immortal souls that are given as a sacred trust into the mother's keeping? And here come in, with all their solemn teachings, the laws of life, of health, of hygiene. What lamentable ignorance is shown upon the part of those parents and instructors who seek to_ keep such information from the young whom they have in charge. " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," they woman's HiaHER CULTORK. 431 8ay. It is false. A little kuowledge is better than none. It leads the way to more, for the quest of knowledge is one that, once entered upon, continues while life lasts, and is carried by the spirit into the life beyond the grave. Teach the young mother to understand that when she sends her child out with insufficient clothing, and he is brought back to her chilled through, that his vitality, his power of re- sisting disease (diphtheria, croup — whatever it may be) is wasted ; that the food which should have gone to keep the vital heat at its normal standard is spent in making up the loss. Show her that she may, by taking the necessary pre- cautions, save the life of her child ; that she must not take him thus chilled to the fire, or into a room highly heated, but that by gentle exercise or friction she must restore, tht circulation, and in using such precautions she may ward off the attack of disease that would surely follow if they were neglected. The same in her own case ; these truths are as applicable to the mature as to the young. Well has Dr. Clarke said, " Let Eve take a wise care of the temple God made for her, and Adam of the one made for him, and both will enter upon a career whose glory and beauty no seer has foretold, or poet sung." But in order to take this care she must have that in- struction in physiological laws which is requisite. Kingsley states that more human beings are killed in England every year by unnecessary and preventable diseases than were killed at Waterloo or at Sadowa ; and that the great ma- jority of these victims are children. It is the wheels of the juggernaut Ignorance that crushes out the life of these tender holocausts; for the diseases which carry them off are, for the most part, such as ought to be specially under the control of the women who love them, pet them, educate them, and who would in many cases, if need be, lay down their lives for them. 432 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Again, simple ignorance of the laws of ventilation in sleeping-rooms and in school-rooms produces a vast amount of disease. From ignorance of signs of approaching dis- ease, children are often punished for idleness, listlessness, sulkiness, wilfulness, in the unwisest way — by confinement to a room, perhaps, and an increase of tasks; when what they really need is more oxygen and more exercise, and iess study. These forms of ignorance have, times with- out number, resulted in malignant typhus and brain fevers. A little knowledge of the laws, to the neglect of which is owing so much fearful disease (which, if it does not pro- duce immediate death, too often leaves the constitution im- paired for years to come), would spare this waste of health and strength in the young ; the waste, too, of anxiety and misery in those who love and tend them. If instead of the trashy accomplishments upon which so much of the school-girl's time is expended, a little rational instruction should be given in these laws of nature, how different the' result would be ; how many precious lives might be spared to those who, like Rachel of old, refuse to be comforted because of the children which were, and are not! how many frail shrines of immortality might have become strong and beautiful temples of the soul ! We are as much bound to know and to obey the laws of nature, on which depends the welfare of our bodies, as we are bound to know and obey the spiritual laws, whereon depends the welfare of our souls. Even the welfare of the soul, in one sense, depends upon the welfare of the body ; for no spiritual life can be developed to its highest degree of attainment unless the body be developed to its highest. The girl who has her intellect, her taste, her emotions, her moral sense — in a word, her whole womanhood, so cultivated and regulated that she shall be able to discern the true from the false, so that she shall stand in fear of woman's higher culture. 433 no other censure tiian that of her own mind and heart, will be ready for the faithful performance of the work of life, whatever that may be ; while the one who is allowed to grow up ignorant, frivolous, luxurious, vain, idle, will be fitted for no state of existence, and will, sooner or later, unless self-education comes in to repair the neglect of parents and teachers, reach a time of vacuity all but de- spair, in which the immortal spirit, finding no healthy as- pirations, is but too likely to betake itself to unholy ex- citements ; or, ashamed of its own self-indulgence, flees from itself into morbid asceticism, or to self-invented and unnatural duties out ofthe world. The misunderstandings, quarrels, rumors, slanders, and scandals that bring so much distress into families, and even into communities, arise more frequently from a defect in training than from any real badness of heart. There is but one sort of education that will correct this defect, and that is an education that will teach them to observe facts accurately, judge them calmly, and describe them carefully, without adding or distorting. Some training in natural science can alone accomplish this desirable end. A man of science, simply because his mind has been trained to deal with facts, is able to repeat what he sees and hears as he sees and hears it, because the leading features are strongly and clearly imprinted on his memory. His eyeS and ears are not governed by his feelings, so that he only sees and hears what he wishes to see and hear. Thus it is seen that not alone for themselves, not for their own sakes merely, should women seek a higher edu- cation of their faculties and powers, but for the sake of others, for the sake of the communities in which they live, for the sake of the homes in which they are ministering spirits, and for the sake of those other homes in lowly life, to which they owe duties as well as to their own; for as 28 434 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the same arts and sciences which, ministering to the pride of nations, invariably hasten their ruin, do but exalt the strength and quicken the soul of every nation which em- ploys them to increase the comforts of the laboring classes, and to grace with intelligence the unambitious courses of honorable toil, so do those who minister to the comfort of their kind, perfect and exalt their own souls. Is there a reader of this compilation who has not already learned one of the great lessons of life as taught by Adelaide Procter? " As material life is planned, Even the loneliest one must stand Dependent on his brother's hand. "So links more subtle and so fine Bind every other soul to thine In one great brotherhood divine. " Nor with thy share of work be vexed ; Though incomplete and e'en perplext, It fits exactly to the next." Not the happiness of life, perhaps, but its blessedness is learned in living for others ; and, as Kingsley says, it is the glory of woman that for this end she was sent into the world, to live for others rather than for herself; to live, yes, and often to die for them. Let her never be persuaded to forget that she is sent into the world to teach man that there is something more necessary than the claiming of rights, and that is the performing of duties ; to teach him also that her rights should be respected, and her wrongs redressed; that her education should be such as to draw out her powers of mind to their best advantage and their fullest extent : that there is yet something more than in- tellect, and that is, purity and virtue. Surely this is woman's calling — to teach man ; to teach him, after all, that his calling is the same as hers, if he will but see the woman's higher culture. 435 things that belong to his peace; to temper his fiercer, coarser, more self-assertive nature, by the contact of her gentleness, purity, self-sacrifice ; to make him see that not by blare of trumpets, not by noise, wrath, greed, hatred, ambition, intrigue, puffery, prejudice, bigotry, is good and lasting work to be done on earth ; but by helpful hands, by sympathizing hearts, by wise self-distrust, by silent labor, by lofty self-control, by that greatest of all virtues, that charity which hopeth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things, by such an example in short, as women now, in tens of thousands of homes, set to those around them ; such as they will show more and more, in proportion as their whole womanhood is educated to em- ploy its powers without waste and without haste in harmo- nious unity. Let her begin girlhood, if such be her happy lot. to quote from Wordsworth : " With all things round about her drawn From May-time and the cheerful dawn ; A dancing shape, an image gay, To haunt, to startle, and waylay." I^t her develop onward : "A spirit, yet a woman, too, With household motions light and frae, And steps of virgin liberty. A countenance in which shall meet Sweet records, promises as sweet ; A creature not too bright and good For human nature's daily food ; For transient sorrows, simple wiles, Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles." But let her highest and final development be that which 436 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. not nature, but self-education alone can bring, that which makes her once and forever : " A being breathing thoughtful breath ; A traveller betwixt life and death. With reason firm, with temperate will, Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill, A perfect woman, nobly planned, To warn, to comfort, and command. And yet a spirit still and bright. With something of an angel light." Let the higher culture of women be undertaken and carried out with such ends in view, and in another genera- tion some of the most perplexing problems of social science will be solved. "Good teachers make gopd scholars, but it is only mothers that form men," cannot too often be repeated ; for in this truth Aim6-Martin gives us the key to the reformation of mankind. Napoleon one day said to Madame Campan : " The old systems of education are good for nothing. What is wanting to train up young people properly in France?" " Mothers," said Madame Campan. This word struck the Emperor. "Eight," said he; "therein lies a complete system of education, and it must be your endeavor, madame, to form mothers who know how to educate their children." DEAD LAWS. 437 CHAPTER XV.. DEAD LAWS — DISINTEBESTED LIVES — ATTTHOES AND CRITICS-^ LOVE OF APPROBATION — REFORMERS— LEADERS. " He is my hero first of all, Though spear nor sword he wield, "Who holds the Wrong his only foe, The Eight his only shield ; "Who dares to battle for the Truth, Though Error on her side Has gathered hosts, and shakes in wrath Her pinions far and wide. For though he win but for one truth, "When martyrdom is passed. His victory is for his race, As long as time shall last! " " That Law, Eeligion, and Manners are related ; that their respectiya kinds of operation come under one generalization ; that they have in certain contrasted characteristics of men a, common support and a common danger, will, however, be most clearly seen on discovering that they have a common origin. Little as from present appearances we should suppose it, we shall yet find that at first the control of religion, the control of laws, and the control of manners, were all one control. However incredible it may now seem, we believe it to be demonstrable that the rules of etiquette, the provisions of the statute-book, and the commands of the decalogue, have grown from the same root Law and religion control behavior in its essentials ; manners control it in its details. " Submission, whether to a government, to the dogmas of ecclesias- tics, or to that code of behavior which society at large has set up, is essentially of the same nature, and the sentiment which induces re- sistance to the despotism of rules, civil or spiritual, likewise induces resistance to the despotism of the world's opinion. Look at them fundamentally, and all enactments alike of the legislature, the con- sistory, and the saloon — all regulations, formal or virtual, have a common character ; they are all limitations of men's freedom. ■ ' Do 438 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. this — refrain from that,' are the blank formulas with which they may all be written, and in each case the understanding is that obe- dience will bring approbation here and Paradise hereafter ; while disobedience will entail imprisonment, or sending to Coventry, or eternal torments, as the case may be. And if restraints, however named, and througE whatever apparatus or means exercised, are one in their action upon men, it must happen that those who are patient under one kind of restraint, are likely to be patient under another ; and conversely, that those impatient of restraint in general, will, on the average, tend to show their impatience in all directions " Manners originate by the imitation of the behavior pursued to- ward the great. Fashion originates by imitation of the great. As the strong men, the successful men, the men of will, intelligence, and originality, who have got to the top, are, on the average, more likely to show judgment in their habits and tastes than the mass; the imitation of such is advantageous. " By and by, however. Fashion, corrupting like other forms of rule, almost wholly ceases to be an imitation of quite other than the best. " The self-elected clique who set the fashion, gain this prerogative, not by their force of nature, their intellect, their higher worth, or better taste, but gain it solely by their unchecked assumption. Among the initiated are to be found neither the noblest, the chief in power, the best cultured, the most refined, nor those of greatest genius, wit, or beauty ; and their reunions, so far I'rom being superior io others, are noted for their inanity. Tet, by the example of these sham great, and not by that of the truly great, does society at large now regulate its goings and comings, its hours, its dress, its small usages. As a natural consequence, these have generally little or none of that suitableness which the theory of fashion implies they should have. But instead of a continual progress towards greater elegance and convenience, which might bo expected to occur did people copy the ways of the really best, or follow their own ideas of propriety, we have a reign of usages without meaning, times without fitness, and of wanton oscillations from one extreme to the other." — Origin of Law, Religion, and Manners. In these remarks of Herbert Spencer, is found one reason why some sensible people in America rebel at many of the ordinances of society, and seek to do away with senseless customs, while adopting others which are better suited to our. mode of life. i>EAD LAWS. 439 Now that society is so greatly enlarged since the days of our grandmothers, we have noi time to carry out rules prescribed for those days. Take, for instance, the custom, now almost obsolete, of calling in person upon every family included in a visiting list before sending out invitations for a party or a ball. The rule was made in old-school days, in order that those acquaintances that were not in- cluded should not feel "dropped" by the one sending out the invitations, and is still considered a binding one by some, who carry their resentment so far as to remain away from an entertainment which has not been heralded by the avant-courier of a card, thus showing an utter want of appreciation of the spirit and meaning of the card. For now, if left at all, they should certainly not be required at the houses of those who are invited. No hostess who en- tertains frequently has any time to spare for carrying out such rules, and if sensible and independent she will not regard them. Even when this rule has been observed, there have been found among those who received the card of the caller, followed by no invitation, numbers who have expressed their surprise at not being included among the expected guests, when, perhaps, there was no occasion for surprise, if all the attendant circumstances were taken into consideration. Thus, when the use has continued beyond the memory of its object, it must eventually drop off, like the dead leaves from the bud, when th.ey have served their uses. A singular example of this fact is found in the adoption by other than army and navy men, of cockades on the hats of their coachmen and footmen ; the two forms, or modes, distinguishing the " turn-out " of the army officer from that of the naval officer. Their former significance is now in a fair way of being entirely lost, from their adop- tion by civilians as a badge of livery for their servants. 440 SENSIBLE BTIQDETTB. The same with the light cloth livery. The' time waa that one could tell whether the occupants of a passing carriage were bound for a dusty country drive, or whether they were on a calling or shopping excursion. Now the livery of light cloth is sometimes adopted for the winter use of servants as well as for their summer wear, for town driving as well as for country excursions. For another example of the falling off or dropping of a custom, by the adoption of a new one, it may be mentioned that formerly all cards sent at the time of wedding or other receptions, by resident invited guests, who were unable to attend, were delivered in person, or by friends who were going to these receptions, or sent in by servants "unin- closed." Now, since the observance of this rule has be- come too onerous, by reason of our more extended circle of acquaintance, and offices have been established where mes- senger boys can be obtained, such cards are often delivered by them, and must necessarily be inclosed to prevent the cards from being delivered in a soiled condition. As custom now sanctions the use of cards in a manner which was once considered wanting in respect, the old rule must drop out of use. The rule, however, is still held quite as bind- ing between residents exchanging cards, or calls, and is adopted only for the greater convenience of persons who are not able to make their appearance on the stated day of a reception, and .for those who send P. P. C. cards, f mnnnpr which their names or t itles are supgosed-ttt-ieprcsent. M. Hubner, declares the American fondness for titles to be so great that " celui qui le donne et eelui qui le revolt se sentent ^galeraent honoris." He continues, " As to the titles of nobility, the forbidden fruit of republican Amer- ica, ils sont evidemment prononcis avec volupU." Seeking to find some explanation of such strange anomalies in a re- public as pride of race and love of titles, he attributes the weakness less to vanity than to those qualities of human nature which, like the qualities of inanimate nature, re- quire variety and repudiate equality. In individual cases, vanity, without doubt, lies at the root of much of the snobbisii deference which we see paid to men and women whose only recommendation is the name, or the title, which they bear, or the money they pos- sess ; but when we regard these same individuals with a view toward discovering how far they represent the feel- ing of the various communities in which they dwell, we are sure to find them in no way supported by the pre- 476 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vailing sentiments of the best society. So tliat after all it was hardly fair in M. Hubner to make such a sweeping assertion. Equally unjust would it be to give the following fact in proof of its truth, which is an isolated case that may have no parallel. At a ball given a few years since in one of the famous palaces of Italy, one room, as is the custom at courts, was set apart for the dignitaries. There were dowagers there, wonderful to behold, blazing as they were with diamonds from their coronets down to their girdles ; a softened light seemed to pervade the apartment, and no sounds of revelry broke upon the subdued murmurs of this hallowed place, for the bauds of music were far distant. An American girl, whose fondness for the decorations of rank had led her into wearing the coronet of a marchioness (of false pearls), passed through the crowd, and seated herself with the elect, entirely unconscious of the sacred character of the place. She was young and beautiful, pale, golden hair, and eyes as blue as the turquoise in her necklace. Her su^pevb physique caused her to look like an Englishwoman more than an American, and an English marchioness she was supposed to be, without doubt, from the benignant glances bestowed upon her. Could she have been the same young lady who, more recently, at a court ball in Vienna, expressed her intense happiness, at finding herself surrounded by such dignitaries in these words : " On re- spire id un atmosphere d'archiducs et de princes I " It is well that we have not many such representatives of American women, or we should soon find authors using more caustic pens than does M. Hubner, in discussing our fondness for titles. A writer in the " Spectator " states that the vitality of titles depends upon a half-unconscious sense that they add to instead of diminishing the pleasure of social intercourse ; OUR BEST SOCIETY. 477 that they define in a second what else would require a troublesome definition. This statement is best illustrated by some Mrs. Leadgilt's course when asked if she will be introduced to Lady Fitz- phool. Her answer is a prompt " certainly," without any questions as to her ladyship's paternity, or as to whether she is connected with the Fitzclarences, or as to who she was before she came into the grand Fitzphool family. But let plain Mr. Fitzwater ask for an introduction to Mrs. Leadgilt, and before she gives her consent she in- quires " What family of Fitzwaters does he belong to ? Really, I know so many people that I do not want to know any more." But, fortunately for our best society, it is not all made up of the family Leadgilt and their relations. There are many ladies belonging to our oldest aristocracy — i. e., the descendants of cultured ancestors — who would content themselves with inquiring whether Mr. Fitzwater was an agreeable wellbred man ; and some there are among these many, who, if he were a boor, would not receive him into their houses, even though he were a nephew of the Duke of Sherrysea. So that the vitality and importance of titles, even here in a republic, only becomes extinct in men who, holding them, do not possess the culture and good-breeding that they are supposed to represent. The ideas sometimes held in America, as to what the validity of a title depends upon, are well illustrated by the following fact, which actually occurred at Newport : A young, handsome Portuguese, styling himself Count M , appeared at this watering-place one summer. The Portuguese Minister declared that he was no count, and there was great commotion for a time between the attack- ing and the defending parties. In the end it was proved that his father had been made a count for his lifetime 478 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. only, and that the title did not descend to his son. How- ever, the defenders maintained that he held the right to the title, which was as absurd as if the son of some one of our army generals should maintain that he inherited the title by his father's death. The lady who had introduced the self-styled count asked an editor to set the young Por- tuguese right before the public, which was done in the following racy and original manner — ^an article appearing which stated that " it was entirely immaterial whether the Portuguese was recognized as a count by the kings and queens of Europe as long as the queens of American society had conferred the title, because they found him to possess all the qualities required in a count." For consistency's sake, the queens and princesses of our republican realms should not hereafter recognize counts as counts, nor dukes as dukes, unless they sustain the dignity of their titles by civil manners and courteous behavior; for this it is, with cultured minds, that gives dignity and worth to titles. Without such accessories, titles are a dis- grace instead of an honor, inasmuch as they bear testimony to wasted opportunities, or to qualities of mind and nature which boors and some animals share in common, to such an extent as to support the African tradition as to the descent of human beings from ancestral apes. The English ridicule what they are pleased to call our overweening fondness fot* the titles of general, colonel, major, and captain, and say that we frequently bestow them on the slightest provocation. Gurowsky tells us this fond- ness is an inherited tendency, and, indeed, one cannot but be struck with the truth of the statement, when one meets, either here or in England, with Englishmen not possessing titles, but members of noble families, who, like the Ameri- cans of la naive fierU, of whom Hubner speaks, lose no time in informing you of their descent, or recounting the titles of OUR BEST SOCIETY. 479 their relatives until it would seem that there are no longer any gentlemen in England who have no titled connections. It is either Tom Bethigh, nephew of the Duke of Spendall, or Jack Creepup, related to Lord Level, or Mordaunt Vane, descended from the first Earl of Vanity. Ridicule will never crush out the fondness for titles that is found in every land, as long as a title is supposed to represent a superior position, or superior advantages, or superiority of one kind or another. Continental Europeans belonging to old families are not given to parading the fact. They look upon the English as being a new people, just as the English in turn look down upon us. The fact that it is so, often causes an Englishman to sneer at Continental titles. Even Thack- eray gave his little thrust when he wrote : " Titles not costing much in the Roman territory, he had the clerk of his banking-house made a marquis ; and liis lordship will screw bajoGcio out of you in exchange as dexterously as a commoner would do. It is a comfort to be able to gratify such grandees with a farthing or two — it makes the poorest man feel that he can do good." All those who have been in patrician society in Italy, know that it is not a society to sneer at. In " The Boudoir Cabal," Prince Casino, wooing Grace Marvel, says, while smarting under some slight he has received at the hands of Lord Hornette : " I will get some diplomatic post, which will make me more than the equal here of these English lords, and then you will come to my own country, where people will adore you, and they will say that never was a princess of our race so fair, though we are a long line, carina. My ancestor got his title six centuries since from Charles of Anjou, while the ancestors of your puddle-blooded commercial peers begged for pence in the highways." Others there are, among the forty oldest families of Europe, who hold their 480 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. lineage, step by step, down the bloodstained fields of the past, nearly four centuries further back, and whose aversion for the English, as well as the American race, is based upon their belief that gold is the god that both nations worship. Certainly, were it so, we would merit the contempt that is often expressed abroad for Americans and American society, by those who, never having been out of their own land, form their ideas of us from such plays as "Uncle Sam." Baser than the love of distinction is the love of gold, and that man who has no other claim to consideration than his money-bags, is looked upon as a poor specimen of humanity in every land. Experience shows us that the desire for other distinctions than money is as strong in republics as it is in kingdoms, and the usurpation of them is even more common. Since the last revolution in France, men have appropriated the title of count, with only the faintest of reference to ques- tions of estate and pedigree. The son of a Red Republican "citizen," who marries a countess, follows the example of the Portuguese and adopts the title of M. le Comte. Not long ago an attempt was made by President Mac- Mahon to suppress this practice of appropriating titular dignities, but it appears to have been as unsuccessful as unpopular measures usually are. Statesmen and notabil- ities who do not possess them frequently betray their de- sire to have them, as well as their jealousy of those whose privileges, because of their titles, exceed their own. Count Bismarck accepted the most meaningless of all titles — that of Prince without principalities — as his reward for his priceless services for Germany. M. Thiers advocated, at his dinner-table one day, the bestowal of titles and decor- ations, saying : " If you had been in power, you would understand how happy one is to be able to reward men for iheir services otherwise than with money." OUR BEST SOCIETY. 481 The social value of the de is enormous in Europe. In Germany and in Italy one meets with fewer spurious titles. The story of the miller who bought Brandenburg is always fresh in Hans's mind as an evidence that class distinctions are not necessarily permanent ones, and, as a journalist writes, where one can buy pedigrees with a little ready money, where titles are commodities quoted at par or premium, according to the demand, and where every brigand and bravo claims ducal ancestry, and is particu- larly jealous of the family honor, there is really no occasion to appropriate them by fraud or force. The knowledge of these spurious claims caused our forefathers to look with suspicion on all titled foreigners, and to class them with tramps, and adventurers, and vagabonds. The title of count is frequently given jocularly to some of the idle swells in our cities, and not unfrequently abroad, for wher- ever, as in France previous to the tempest of 1789, oppres- sion has reigned triumphant, and the masses have been long ground under the heel of iron class distinctions, titular dignities have, in the popular dialect, come to represent boundless, inflated, and unreal pretensions. Hence this application to adventurers. Men of humble origin, who have that grudge against the well-born which all of them are said to possess, so invari- ably decry all social claims having any foundation in good birth, that a due value of its advantages has come to be a test of the standing of a man's forefathers with many. Those who have all the money that they want, are not generally the ones who envy others the possession of it. Those who come from "good stock" can bear to hear other "good stock" spoken of without berating all "good stock." Pride of birth, however objectionable in the eyes of many, confers at least one advantage on its possessor. 31 482 SENSIBLE ETIQUBTTE. They who are reared in it from their cradle, according to Bulwer, acquire so unconsciously an air of dignity or dis- tinction, that it seems hereditary and inborn. " Only from generations of pure descent are evolved the serene grace devoid of languor, the quiet self-reliance so diiFerent from self-assertion, and the carriage imperial without imperious- ness." These are nature's gifts and cannot be acquired. Lord Nelson said : " It is better to be envied than pitied," and of all envy that is said to be the most rankling which a low-born man feels towards the well-born. In the year 1873, a Philadelphian, a man of culture, if not wellbred, walked into the sitting-room of a New Eng- land lady in New York, and found her busy over piles of books and family papers, time-stained and dropping to pieces, making out the necessary statistics for the class his- tory of her son, under one of the requirements in the cir- cular yearly sent to the students at Harvard College, which requirement reads as follows : " II. Pedigree on father's side, tracing back the origin of your family as far as possible, mentioning ancestors in any way distinguished — for example, if engaged in the Revolution — ^and particularly the history of those who first came to this country Ancestral line of moth- er's family in briefer form. What ancestors or relatives have received a liberal education ? When? Where?" The Philadelphian, drawing a chair near the table, picked up an old copy of armorial bearings with casque and mant- ling, such as are often seen among descendants of our earliest settlers, with black, worm-eaten frames. " Where did you pick up this lot of trash?" he asked. "That spe- cial item of this * lot of trash ' came from the garret of my great-great-uncle on my mother's side, who was a member of the body which framed the Constitution of Massachusetts in 1780," was the answer. "Some travelling tinker or OUR BEST SOCIETY. 483 peddler's descendant then," was the impertinent reply, " as all New England families are descended from one or the other." The lady felt the porcupine quills of inherited proclivi- ties bristling aggressively, but restraining herself, replied : " Not all New England families, Mr. Sunjon ;" and pick- ing up a page of the material she was preparing, she added : " History gives quite another account of my first paternal ancestor in America. Howell, writing of him and his twenty-nine contemporaneous settlers, says: 'They were men of means and sterling worth. They were the Puritans of England. They were more than mere colonists — they were the exponents of a new civilization, founded on the idea that under God men could govern themselves. Their flight from England, and self-exile on these shores, was the strongest protest they could give against the divine right of kings in civil and religious government.' Which is in error, Mr. Sunjon, you or history ?" The Philadelphian evaded a direct answer, but grumbled out something about taking no interest in family histories, which want of interest is shared by most men (in the plu- ral). The author of "Guy Livingstone" says: "I can conceive of no curiosity more legitimate than that concern- ing a family house or family annals ;" but, as a rule, the curiosity does not extend beyond one's own house and one's own annals. M. Hubner, while asserting that in the United States one meets more frequently with pretentious and vulgar people than with " des gens comme ilfaut," admits that our Eastern cities have a society "plus exclusive que ne le sont les coUries les plus inaceessibles des cours et des capitales d' Europe." But it is only within the last few years that Europeans have been willing to admit that there are any American fami- 484 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. lies whose claims for exclusiveness are well substantiated, "There cannot be any aristocracy in a democracy," they say : they have regarded us all as in the same category- — all " born free and equal." The mistake made by them had its foundation in our Declaration of Independence, the utterance of the wisest statesmen of that time which tried men's souls, but science has made the seeming wisdom of one hundred years ago foolishness in more than one dog- matically given opinion, and we are now willing to ac- knowledge not only the superiority of blooded animals on the race-course, but the advantages which the human being derives from transmitted qualities of the mind and heart. Had the framers of our Declaration of Independence taken into consideration, as they ought to have done, this truth, and with it anotherj viz., that even were all men born free and equal, so long as there are differing temperaments and capacities, so long will one man outstrip another in the race of life, they might have built our republic on a more solid basis than the one they have reared for it. Men are not all born equal, and if they were they would not remain so. There is one kind of exclusiveness that is creditable, another kind that is reprehensible. In illustration of the latter kind, an incident may be given, which will show what mistakes exclusive people are liable to make in their judgments of others. A party of Americans, in Rome, were arranging for an excursion, when an English lady, who had made their ac- quaintance at Villa Nardi, Sorrento, called upon them, and hearing their plans, intimated her wish to join them. The chaperon, a benevolent, middle-aged woman, immediately extended the necessary invitation, which was at once ac- cepted ; but the exclusive ladies of the party felt disposed to resent the liberty that had been taken, and consequently treated the stranger rather coldly. Shortly after the ex- OXTR BEST SOCIETY. 485 cursion, the benevolent lady invited the English woman to drive with her, hoping to atone for the coldness of the other ladies. Again the invitation was accepted, and the two, seated in a roomy landan, with coachman and footman on the box, proceeded to the Corso, to take a turn there before going up the Pincian hill. Among the landaus that dashed past them was one of unusual elegance in all its appoint- ments, the footmen in full livery standing behind. In the carriage was seated a woman of middle age, of strikingly distinguished appearance, holding a little girl on her lap, and beside her a much younger woman, as beautiful as a woman with brunette complexion, bright color, glorious eyes and hair, and perfect features can be. As the carriages flew past, unmistakable marks of the most intimate recognition passed between its occupants and the English lady. Again on the Pincian, without repeat- ing the bow, they smiled, or made some signal with their hands each time the carriages passed. At last the curiosity of the benevolent lady was stimulated so far, that she could no longer resist the inquiry, " Who are your friends ?" " My sister and her daughter," was the reply. Madam, not to be thwarted, continued : " The elder lady is very fine-looking, and the younger one is so like the Princess T , whom I met at one of 's receptions the other day, that I thought at first it was she." " You are right, it is she," was the quiet answer. The Princess T is the niece of Lord D , Earl of , and is called the most beautiful woman in Rome. The prince is one of the wealthiest and most influential of the Italian nobles. The American lady enjoyed a quiet laugh over the exclusiveness of the younger members of her party. That exclusiveness which grows out of varying degrees of culture, and of varying grades of society marked by 486 SENSIBLE ETIQUBTTB. different customs and habits, by observance or non-obser- vance of certain forms, is a creditable exclusiveness. It has existed and must continue to exist in all civilized lands, with as much force in a republic as in a kingdom. Our nobility then, is an order which takes precedence over all other orders of nobility. It is the nobility of culture, and it possesses this advantage, that every aspirant for a place in its ranks may secure his position there, if he fits him- self to hold it. Wherever that true culture exists which lies not merely inihe-flBlieht enment of the intell ect but equally as much in the moral strength, and in their united outw ard mani- fps^atinn nf TiajiTfrSj fhprA willh^jfiTiTi^d "'"• bPS*'' srw.^pt.y. Sel£:C Qntrol and unselfishnes sL-are indispensable qualities for this society. The uncultured man gives free course to his joy and his sorrow, his good-will and his anger; the cultivated makes it an honor to be able to govern these outbursts of feeling, to bear trial with submission, and to show moral courage when requisite. In no place is there so wide a field for the exercise of this quality as in society. " It is the glory of a man to pass by a transgression," says Scripture, yet how often is moral courage needed to put but this one injunction into practice. It is so easy to resent, it is so hard to forgive. " Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," says our Saviour. " Do unto others as others do unto you," say the uncultivated in- stincts of the human heart, and so, in a society where the uncultivated predominate, fancied rudenesses are resented, and civilities misunderstood, while the seething fire of vin- dictive passions,, little by little, burns out all that is kindly in sentiment or noble in nature. Here is another incentive to induce the young to make themselves worthy of the best society, for the finer the cul- ti're, the higher the development, the less we find of that OUR BEST SOCIETY. 487 rudeness and vnlgaFity which characterizes beings only half-developed from the gorilla stage of existence up to the perfect man, and who keep the society they have access to in a ferment. The school of home is the best school that life affords for conquering self. By performing in the domestic circle all the courtesies of life as faithfully as beyond it ; by the ex- ercise of that charity that thinketh no evil ; by the practice of that forgiveness which all human beings will stand in need of when the scenes of life close round them, it will become easy and natural to be courteous, charitable, and forgiving in all the relations of life. Rest assured, that man or woman, that boy or girl, who is rude and ill-man- nered, outside of the domestic circle, is still worse when within it. Those who are thoughtful to please, anxious to avoid what annoys and perplexes, or is wounding, at home, will be equally considerate abroad. If any one's true char- acter is to be ascertained, study him at home. If he stands that test, be sure that he will never betray any confidence reposed in him. Nature has not gifted us all with great talents, nor placed us all in the best society. Desirable as it may seem to be so placed, there are many of us who would not feel at home were we there. But though we may not all be learned, or witty, or accomplished, or move in fashion- able circles, there is still one gift that every one may pos- sess, which pleases more than all else combined, without which, indeed, all else is valueless, — kindness of heart. There is a charm in that which never fails to please. From it is born that consideration for the feelings of others which, with culture, makes the true nobleman, the true noblewoman. Kind hearts are more than coronets the world over, and so we come back again to our nobility, the nobility of cultivated minds and hearts. 488 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. There is no better society in Europe than can be found in cultured circles in the United States. Here, as every- where in the best society, those members who are not nat- urally kindhearted, must assume the appearance of so being, because cultivated society demands the appearance where the reality does not exist, and does not enrol among its permanent members those who fail in this, its first requisite. Foreigners who find themselves in circles characterized by bad manners and bad morals, often say that we have no good society ; but when they are introduced into circles of more refinement, they are quick to acknowledge that there are no women superior to our own — none who are better educated, more charming, or more virtuous than our best women are. This is proved by the constantly-increasing number of love matches between foreigners of distinction and our countrywomen. There is not a titled nobleman of good character who could not marry a woman in his own laud that would bring him a larger dowry if he would take a wife out of the bourgeoisie than most American wives would bring him, but such a companion for life might not be able to meet his requirements, while in the best Amer- ican society he finds women who are the equals of his own class in breeding, cultivation, and manners. Some Americans have a way of sneering at " penniless dukes and popinjay marquises who marry American girls." If they were asked why it is that so few of the American girls who remain abroad year after year, until they are known in foreign circles as being "a drug in the marriage market," are not provided for (if titles are as thick as blackberries in August, as they assert), they would proba- bly be at loss to explain the reason satisfactorily. T'he truth is, men of cultivation, and fine feelings, and good OUR BEST SOCIKXY. 489 manners, with titles, bear about the same relation to so- ciety in Europe as to number, that thoroughbred gen- tlemen here bear in mixed society to persons wanting in breeding and culture. We hear occasionally of an Amer- ican girl making a miserably unhappy match abroad — • wooed and won by some worthless nobleman, who could not persuade any woman in his own circle to marry him. Such marriages should serve as warnings to our women that foreigners with no character, although they be of noble birth, are no more to be trusted than are American men of no character. The son of the so-called aristocrat of to-day in America, and the son of one of the oldest of European noblemen in Europe, may, by some turn of the wheel of fortune, be found working for their daily bread before the years of middle age have been reached. Is the American any less a gentleman, the man of title any less a nobleman, be- cause, instead of shamefully throwing himself upon the charity of his relatives, he has preferred independence with honor ? Honor and shame, says the poet, from no condi- tion rise ; act well your part, there all the honor lies. Work elevates, idleness degrades. Calvert tells us that idleness lies at the root of most of the evils that mankind suffer from, and that the minds that are busy to keep other minds idle, are doing the basest work that a man can do. The idle are blind to their own worthlessness, but no others are blind to it. They who study peculiarities of life in different sections of our republic are invariably struck with the superiority of that society in which the majority maintains right views with regard to the education and development of their chil- dren, and in reference to instilling correct views as to " the dignity of labor." Men and women who look upon the idle man of to-day as th3 representative gentleman of his 490 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. time, and who for this reason bring up their sons in idle- ness, fit them to be just what Chancellor Kent says they are, namely, nuisances in society. The New England idea is the same as that of the great English barrister, and in- deed the cultivated New England man is more like, and looks more like, the cultivated Englishman, than like the gentleman of any other section of his own land. A writer in " The Galaxy " attributes this resemblance between the inhabitants of New England and old England to the fact that a race of men cannot materially change its physical traits in the course of two centuries, to whatever conditions of climate or other external influences it may have been subjected. Up to thirty years ago, he says, there was not in England itself a more purely English people than that of New England. Bagehot, in his work, " The English Constitution," says : " No one can doubt that the New England States, if they were a separate community, would have an educa- tion, a political capacity, and an intelligence such as the numerical majority of no people, equally numerous, has ever possessed." Wherever New Englanders go, whether it be as teach- ers, as men of businciss, or as members of social circles, they carry with them their own healthy ideas, vigorous opinions, and indomitable energies, infusing them into the communities where they dwell, and circulating new blood through the old veins, while in those towns where the first settlers have been emigrants from all European nations, with no preponderance of Anglo-Saxon blood, and no large proportion of descendants from New England families, settling later, it is found that the business men are not, as a, rule, highly cultivated men. They have not had the liberal education that the business men of New England have had. The question naturally arises, " Why is this?" OUR BEST SOCIETY. 491 and the answer is found In the fact that, until after our civil war, men of business in these towns were not consid- ered the equals of idle men, or of professional men even. Quite naturally, parents, ambitious for their 'children's social position, did not wish to have them go into business, and chose professions for them ; wliile those who did go into business did not receive the liberal education which was a necessity for the professional man. The old saying, that manners malie the man, ought to be changed to education makes the man, and manners are the gauge of his degree of culture. Business men, with professional men, are now the lead- ing men in all our towns and cities ; they are, as Calvert says, the men of influence, of solid worth and weight, who are teaching those who have despised labor, the lesson that mankind rests on work, moves on work, and holds its place in the great onward march of civilization only by work. If the foundation of our republic is self-government, its corner-stone is labor. If it draws its breath of life from character, ' to change the simile — character which is the result of self-government — what breath but corrupting miasma could it draw from those stagnant characters which are too torpid for the infusion of progressive ideas ? The idle man, the man who does not hold his riches and his talents for the use of mankind, as does the manufac- turer with his operatives, the merchant with his subordi- nates, who knows of no interests outside of and beyond his own family, or his own selfish hobbies, is left, he and his, uncomfortably behind in these days. The men of business that stride forward, will walk past him or over him. Thus it was with the French noblesse after 1789; and so it is now with " old families " that will not learn. In these electric times they are thrust from their thrones 492 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. by families that have aptitude for new things, Calvert tells us. An old race, he says, that cannot take in new- principles, thereby shows that it is exhausted, is become mentally barren. Various essays, worth preserving, were written by for- eigners and our own journalists, during the Centennial year, upon the distinguishing peculiarities of the American race and of American society. To New York was given the palm for a cosmopolitan spirit, and for a gay society rival- ling that of Paris. Philadelphia society received the following tribute: Its merits are of that quiet, undemonstrative kind, that are best appreciated by long acquaintance. If not brilliant, it is sound and sincere ; if exclusive, it is home-loving and hospitable within its prescribed limits ; if somewhat dull, its best society is never vulgar. Of the society of our capital it has been said : The ele- ments which go to make up that grand compound which we call Washington society — and all admit it is a most fascinating conglomei'ate — are numerous and varied. One is continually brought face to face with persons of both sexes as to whom one wonders how they ever escaped from the obscurity they adorned and found their way to salons where they jostle the arunenne noblesse. One finds here a number of those whose " forbears," to use the homely word, took the foremost places which others who think it not wise to pry into ancestral records now occupy. The members of Congress from the rural districts, to whom hitherto a "husking bee" or similar provincial gathering, including ministerial donation parties, have been the highest form of social dissipation, including both sexes, are invited to dine with foreign ministers who have been educated in the eti- quette of the table as thoroughly as in the " small-talk " of drawing-rooms, and the manoeuvring of diplomacy. OUR BEST SOCIBTT. 493 Boston society was commented upon as follows : A per- fectly unique feature of Boston is the aristocracy it breeds. There is no other American city that possesses this ele- ment. This American aristocracy has, of course, no titles ; but an aristocracy it is, nevertheless. Some of its mem- bers are richer than others ; a few are of very limited means ; but all keep up their traditions, gentility of man- ners, and purity of blood, just as sternly as any patrician family of Tuscany or Old Castile. The existence of this aristocracy gives a peculiar character to Boston. It makes money a secondary consideration ; wealth is less sought for ; business is less exciting, and the whole social machin- ery accordingly works much more smoothly. There is no rush either in the street or in the counting-house. Nobody seems to be in a hurry either to make a fortune or to ruin himself, and the New York alternative of Murray Hill or hell seems to be unknown here. This is supposed to have a very beneficial influence on the moral condition of the community ; at all events, the historians think so, though some people outside deny it. But what is true beyond any question is that this aristocracy, living on the incomes, large or small, which it possesses, does all the work of cul- ture for which Boston is both so celebrated and so much sneered at. It may be safely asserted that there is no town on the face of the globe which has ever accumulated within the same space and time such an amount of intellectual and artistic resources. This is a foreigner's one-sided opinion. Every one who knows anything of the best society in New York or in Philadelphia, and in other of our cities as well, knows that in all of them there are families who keep up their tradi- tions, cultivated manners, and pride of blood just as sternly as do the descendants of the Puritans of England. To the Puritan, the Huguenot, and the Quaker colonists we owe, 494 SENSIBLE MTIQUKTTE. in common, our debt of gratitude as a people. This element of aristocracy is kept out of sight more in Philadelphia than it is either in Boston or in New Yorii, because, while the Puritans and the Huguenots preserved with great care their family traditions and insignia of good descentj the Quakers as studiously avoided all the evidences of worldly pride. Consequently there are among them families in whose veins flows some of the oldest blood in England — older than that of any peer of the present time, — some of the members of which are ignorant of the fact. It may be said that they would be utterly indifferent to it if they did know it, but all experience shows us that there is no such thing as. indifference concerning one's ancestry, that the peasant preserves his records, where he has any, as carefully as the peer. Some Quaker families have handed down, from gen- eration to generation, their family Bibles with the same scrupulous care that the New England and the Virginia colonists have observed in behalf of their family portraits, old silver and armorial bearings, brought with them from the mother countiy. A family Bible of the edition of 1616, printed in London, is still in possession of a New Jersey Quaker family, which has descended eight generations in this country, in the line of the oldest member of each generation who bore the Christian name of the ancestor that brought it with him from Devonshire, in England, 1677. The family (the Devonshire. Moores) became ex- tinct in England more than a century ago, and the heirs in this country were then advertised for ; a property of mil- lions of pounds sterling accruing to them j but the descend- ants of the old Quaker colonist, true to their principles, answered that they had enough of this world's goods, and refused to take the necessary legal steps which would have kept one of the noblest castles in England from falling to OUR BEST SOCIETY. 495 the crown. Of such stuff were our forefathers made. Where are there any men worthy of them now ? In another Quaker household exists a family Bible of the Geneva version, printed in .1599. A very finely exe- cuted drawing of a greyhound in this Bible was the means by which the family were able to identify themselves with the English family of the same name owning the very estates at "Ayno-on-the-hill " in Oxfordshire, near North- amptonshire, from which the first ancestor emigrated,* after liaving been imprisoned in England on account of his re- ligious faith. But enough has been said to show that the Quakers possess in common with the Puritans and the early Dutch colonists, the same elements of aristocracy claimed by this English writer exclusively for the Bostonians. There is no denying that the Quakers also have kept up to a certain degree the education and the cultivation which has always distinguished them as a sect; although, possibly for the reason that their schools and colleges have not, until late years, presented equal advantages with those of New England, there has not been sufiBcient progress made in the advancement of correct views concerning the value of a liberal education to insure that degree of culture among Quakers engaged in trade, which is so generally found among the Boston business men. As soon as parents will give their sons going into trade the same liberal education which is now reserved for those who are to take up professions (as is done in France among the wealthy men of the provinces), then we can glory in thtf sneer of Europeans which sets us down as "a nation of business men." Times have changed since business men were looked down upon and excluded from clubs. Only * Bicbard Haynes. By, the marriage of Charlotte Haynes (heiress), to a duke of Bridgewater, the Haynes estate has passed into anothar family. 496 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. one club in aristocratic England now shuts its doors upon them. A European, who had been passing some months in America, falling areiong its best circles, found himself at an English watering-place, and more than once, at the pro- vincial club of the town, took occasion to answer some of the ill-natured " flings " which some Englishmen delight in showering on Americans, though of course not in their presence. " Well, I dare say they are improving as a people, but you must acknowledge ' that they are awful murderers of the King's English," answered the attacking Englishman. " On the contrary," said the European, " I have heard the King's English worse murdered in the six weeks that I have been a member of this club, than in the six months that I was in America." To return to " the labor question." Zimmerman says that the first desire of every active mind is employment ; and that from the monarch on the throne to the laborer in the cottage, every man should have a daily task. Bage- hot says that business really interests more than pleasure; and this may be one reason why we find the sons of English earls and dukes embarking in trade. Prince Bismarck even has a paper mill, and displayed the product of his works at the World's Exposition at Vienna. The Cavalier di F., of Florence, in addition to his important labors as member of Parliament, gives personal attention to his enor- mous business — the exportation of marble and rags. Yet there are Americans who still think it a passport to favor with those high in position in European society, who have carefully mentioned the fact that they were not busi- ness men soon after an introduction to a foreigner. Could they realize the effect produced on sensible people by this announcement, they would be more wise in future. Equally foolish and self-denouncing is the course of those other Americans who scatter innuendoes against pride of race OUR BEST SOCIETY. 497 and affect to.despise it ; for, as has been well said, those only sneer at it who are ignorant of their own descent. In these times of corruption more than ever before, is there need that pride of worthy ancestry should be encouraged, and stainless names be handed down from parents to children as the most precious heirlooms in a republic, — heirlooms which noth- ing but disgrace can rob of the advantages which they confer. Pride of ancestry is innate, and cannot be crushed out by poverty, nor by the ridicule of those who know nothing of the past history of their families; for, although that power of change which is mightier than thrones or principalities, is ever at work, leaving its traces in the impoverishing of many an ancient line as the centuries vanish, it cannot stain an unstained name ; and herein lies the long-continued vitality of pride of race. Pride of position, pride of wealth, pride of rank, all succumb before this power of change, leaving only that pride of worth which not even poverty can subdue, until culture has failed to do her share in sustaining it. This pride is genuine and worthy pride ; it looks upon no labor as degrading ; while false pride, fostered by the^ sentiments of a society rotten to the core, as far as correct views of the ennobling power of work are concerned, leads its possessor to prefer idleness with dependence instead of labor with indepen- dence. Genuine pride causes its possessor to feel that no work, not even the menial occupations of a billiard-marker or a stone-breaker, can degrade a worthy name. The last member of the noble Italian family Foscari acted on the stage for a livelihood ; the last scion of the noble French house of de Courcey was a carpenter at Bordeaux ; a de- scendant of a peer died recently in a charity hospital in London, after having hawked books in the streets for a living, rather than make his wants known to his numerous titled and wealthy relatives; even Louis Philippe taught 32 498 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. school in the days of his necessity.* All countries have their decayed or reduced families. In America, wealth is seldom held in one family for more than three generations; but though the wealth disappears for a time, the resolute blood which flowed in the veins of those who made it, transmits its qualities to descendants who, if they hold right views of work, preferring independence with toil to ease with dependence, looking upon no form of labor as degrading, are sure to win it back again. God helps those who help themselves. Men who have made their fortunes speedily by lucky speculations, or slowly by long-continued and faithful at- tention to business, with men who have inherited their money, all rank in the same category, if they have no cul- ture to recommend them to hold a permanent place in our best society, even though they should be lineal descendants of some of the oldest and proudest families in Europe. For a time, society may be beguiled by their hospitality, or led by curiosity of some sort or another to meet under the roofs of such ; but when curiosity is satisfied and hos- pitalities require returns, society drops those who lack its requirements in manners and culture, unless it is for its interest to keep up a show of kind feeling. Such are the persons who, though in society, are m^de to feel that they are not of it; and as long as there are cads and snobs in the world of fashion, so long will there be found people whose only return for hospitalities from this class will be impertinences. It has been shown that old femilies go down from lack of culture, more than from want of money, together with a lack of correct ideas as to what kinds of work are degrad- * A Philadelplilan once said, that a man might as well be a scav- enger as a school-teacher, in that city, as far as social position was concerned. OUR BEST SOCIETY. 499 ing, and what kinds not degrading, to their station in life. We have also seen that in order to remove all grounds for the plea that the associations of business have a tendency to lower the tone of thought and rob the manners of that degree of refinement which our best society demands as its passport, the same advantages of culture must be given to our young men who enter counting-houses as to those who choose professions. In the meantime let men who are not in business remember if they betray any lack of culture they will be far more severely dealt with, by persons capa- ble of judging, than will the men who have not found time in the cares of business to perfect themselves in the evi- dences of culture which the cultured require. There are always found in every community small souls who, judging others by their own ignoble standard of pride, fancy they can wound families by public allusions to the occupation by which inherited money was made, or by sneers at the business which has brought success to a busi- ness man. Some of the letters published in " Puck" last summer contained such allusions to the antecedents of New York families. The only humiliation possible to a cultivated person, or to one holding right views of the relative merits of labor and idleness, must arise from the thought that these small souls belong to the human family, and that the individuals who hold such belittling ideas, and write such slurring vulgarities, are in one sense their brothers. The only gospel to regenerate such natures is the gospel of work. When they have once subscribed to its tenets, life will open out new fields for them, in which they can seek that success which they have envied in others, and learn the forc^ of the lines already quoted : «' Honor and shame from no condition rise ; Act well your part, there all the honor lies. ' 500 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Success generally attends the exertion of those who start on this basis. A nobleman, reduced in circumstances, who had gone into business in Europe, was asked whether he made a good business man. He answered, " I do not know. I only know that I make a good business." The laws of change work even more wonderful revo- lutions in Europe than with us. The story is told of Charles XV, that after his coronation at Drontheim, upon his return to his capital, he passed the night at the house of a landed proprietor whose family had care- fully guarded for more than eight hundred years the rec- ord of its descent from one of the old Scandinavian kings. " If all had gone right," said the landholder to Charles XV, " I would have been crowned king at Drontheim to- day instead of you !" " But all did not go right for you," answered the king. And in this way many may console themselves for the hard blows dealt by fate. Had all gone right for them, they might to-day have been enjoying the wealth and the position which have fallen to the lot of some of their acquaintances, or they might even have held places among the princes and the potentates of the earth. Whether they would have been any happier with the addi- tional cares, responsibilities, and envyings which wealth and distinction shower upon their possessors, is another theme for consideration. It has been demonstrated in a previous chapter that neither wealth nor distinction is a necessary passport to our best society, but that good manners are an essential requi- site. The higher the society, the fewer are the social inhu- manities which are encountered. Those persons who have access only to so-called fashionable society find in its ranks many wellbred men and women, just as in a garden, roses and lilies blosssom in the same soil with flaunting marigolds OUR BEST SOaiBTY. 50t and gay holly hooks, and just as thie beauty of the roses and lilies makes even the contrast of the coarse flowers not un- pleasing, so the courtesies of the wellbred atone for the irritating social barbarities which narrow minds, bad hearts, and ignoble natures delight in inflicting. One of the first requirements of good breeding is to pass over without notice all omissions and commissions. This is the wisest course, as well as the course of the worldly wise. Persons unaccustomed to rudenesses, and those whose organizations make it impossible ever to get accustomed to them, sometimes find it difficult to refrain from rehearsing incivilities ; but no other dignified notice can ever be taken than that which is shown in avoiding the society of the ill- mannered persons who inflict them. It gives too much importance to ignorance and self-conceit to publish incivil- ities. Besides, those who use the lash like to see that it has brought blood. There are some sensitive natures whom social inhuman- ities afl«ct like thorns festering in a wound. They turn and turn them, looking to see how the thorns have inflamed and swollen the delicate nerves and tissues. Pull out the thorns, bandage the bleeding flesh, show it to no one, keep it out of sight, and before you know it the pain has gone. This may not be easy to do in youth ; for youth is im- patient and quick to take ofience, and equally quick to resent, where the nature is not under the control of Chris- tian principles. Age learns to be compassionate, to make allowances for those who have had fewer advantages in their youth than others ; to listen less readily to the inven- tions of talebearers, and the whispers of slanderers, and is not quick to form judgments of others from recitals of rudenesses which may have had no foundation in fact. It is soon enough to believe persons capable of wanton rude- ness when you have witnessed their rudeness. 502 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. A large proportion of our dislikes spring from real oi fancied slights, from idle gossip, and from trials of oui temper, which it is our duty to pass over. Undoubtedly the best manners of our best society are found in the most exclusive circles of our cities ; but no circle is exclusive enough to be able to keep out all the unmannerly. Foreigners are quick to notice that in New England there is more respect shown towards those who are advancing in years, and to the aged, than is elsewhere seen in America ; but this respect is everywhere the distin- guishing mark of our best society. Any want of what is due to those who have passed the noon of life, and are on its declining slope, in short — any lack of respectful atten- tions to elder persons, such as children are trained to give by worthy mothers, is a characteristic of plebeian blood and of untrained youth. Yet as in a republic, far more than under monarchial governments, men have it in their power to raise them- selves above the disadvantages which plebeian blood entails to stations of great honor and responsibility ; therefore, birth should be held as entirely of secondary consideration in social claims. If true to our principles, antecedents would never be mentioned in connection with such claims, people would then say, "The man has not used his oppor- tunity for self-education ; therefore avoid him," instead of as now : " His grandfather was a stage-driver, so of course he can guide a four-in-hand uncommonly well, but he has no savoir-vivre." In Florence, some years since, a hand- some, well-dressed woman was shunned by Americans, be- cause rumor spread the report that she had once lived as kitchen-maid with a well-known New York gentleman. The story may have been true, but it was probably an in- vention ; and, unfortunately, America has no records to turn to, to confirm or contradict such fabrications. Thief OUR BEST SOCIETY. 503 is one of the weaknesses of our social structure, and the only way to overcome it is to make education, and not birth, the test of the individual. Life is too short to liob- nob with uncongenial and illiterate persons, who have no other social claims than those which a well-known name confers; and agreeable, wellbred persons are too few in number to lose the opportunity of enjoying each other's society because some envious woman or cowardly man has stigmatized one of those persons as low-born. " La famille est riche, mais pas prScisement de la viAlle, roche" was once the reply of a Philadelphia born lady when asked by a foreigner in Washington if she knew a certain family in her own city. Any allusion to the age of the family was unnecessary, as the stranger had asked the simple question, "Do you know Mr. and Mrs. Blank?" When he afterwards learned that this same family had a history of about two hundred years in America, and a descent from one of the oldest families of the gentry in England, he lost his confidence in the reliability of information on Buch subjects in a country where antecedents are invented by enemies, and published to the world, more frequently than are the true histories of its families. But it is sheer folly to place any weight upon descent in judging of the merits of families, excepting in illustration of the passage of Holy Writ, that a " tree is known by its fruits." Where the ancestors have been men, and still more important, women of culture, we expect the fruit of the tree to be worthy of its roots. Had the American lady in Florence really been a kitchen-maid with mean parentage, and had she, by persistent energy of character and systematic cultivation of her powers of mind (with that attention to manners which is requisite), raised her- self from the position of a scullion to be an object for the shafts of that Diana who loves a shining mark quite as 504 SENSIBLE BTIQWKTTE. well as death does, would she not deserve the esteem of the estimable, more than would the woman who is the possessor of advantages which transmitted culture and careful training can alone confer? There are many who, though they will not confess it, nevertheless hold the idea that a woman demeans herself by manual labor, and that if she wishes to be considered a gentlewoman she must lead an aimless, useless, idle life. Our ways and our habits have been so gradually altered by civilization and increase of property, that all gentle- women lead in these days very different lives from those of their ancestresses. The life led by an English lady of rank in the times of King Edward IV., would disgustthe daughter of a rich New England farmer of the present day. A page in the diary of one reads as follows: " Rose at four o'clock, and helped Catharine to milk the cows. Six o'clock, breakfasted ; the buttock of beef too much boiled, and the beer a little of the stalest. Seven, went to walk with the lady, my mother, in the courtyard. Ten, went to dinner till eleven, rose from the table, the company all desirous of walking in the fields. Four, went to prayers. Six, fed the hogs and poultry. Seven, supper on the table. Nine o'clock, the company fast asleep; these late hours are very disagreeable." American ladies of high position are not expected to milk cows and feed pigs, but if circumstances oblige them to perform such menial duties, it is a mistake to fancy that it can abate one jot or one tittle of their ladyhood. The lady who accepts the position of a housekeeper is a lady still, and sometimes more of one than the woman who em- ploys hfer. If there were less false pride upon the subject, and reduced gentlewomen would take such positions, in- stead of swelling the number of teachers that vainly seek situations with salaries far from commensurate to the OUK BEST 80CIBTT. 505 value of their services, how much might their own com- fort in life be increased, to say nothing of the advantages which teachers would reap by diminishing the competition. Many years ago, a pretentious young woman and a snob- bish young man (brother and sister), after their return home from an evening party, were criticizing the company, quite unaware that their sensible old uncle was lying awake in his chamber, and could hear every word from where they stood in the corridor. "Why, even the Grin- ders were there, and you know their grandfather was a grocer; I was never in such a mixed company," said the sister. " And we never will be again, if I can help it," answered the brother. The uncle called out, " Children, what do you think your grandfather was? He was a boot-maker, and some people say not a very honest one either. Now, go to bed." It is just this class of families who are always the most interested in the antecedents of others. Nine cases out of ten the man who, whenever any name is mentioned, tells you who the grandfather was, does not know much about his own grandparents. We always reach after the things that we do not possess, and the man of no. family, when he acquires position, is always harping upon the subject of birth. With him it is not, "Are they well-educated and agreeable people ?" but " Who are they ? What was their father's business ? Are they in society ? Who was their grand- father?" It is time enough to go back into antecedents when any alliance by marriage is contemplated. Then every father and mother is justified in questioning closely to see whe- ther there are any physical weaknesses, moral defects, or blood-taints to be transmitted to another generation. Yet it must be admitted that every one does take more or less interest and satisfaction in hearing of the antecedents 606 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE, of supercilious or pretentious people, and learning that "the stock" they came from does not warrant us to expect any less pretension, any less superciliousness. But we should not exalt family into thai importance which it justly retains in countries where property is entailed, or where to be of good birth is supposed to entail culture as a necessary consequence. As has already been said, an old family will lose its prestige if its members neglect that degree of culture which enabled their ancestors to take, and to hold, a foremost position in the ranks of society. "It takes three generations to make a gentleman," says Sir Robert Peel ; but, alas ! it takes only one generation to undo the work. Just as the proper development of the physique through several generations produces a higher type of or- ganization, so the cultivation of the moral and spiritual xiature elevates the human soul, and gives us a higher type of moral and spiritual life in the individual. Here aptly recur the words of Caius Marius, again giving emphasis to the truth that it is not what our ancestors made them- selves, but what we make ourselves, that our standing, our merits, our influence depends upon. " The glory of ances- tors casts a light, indeed, upon their posterity ; but it only serves to show what the descendants are. It alike exhibits to public view their degeneracy and their worth." An English author very sensibly defines the duties of the indi- vidual, or rather his proper objects in life if he wishes to fit himself for good society, to make himself better in every respect than he is; to render himself agreeable to every one with whom he has to do; and to improve, if necessary, the society in which he is placed. If he can do this, he will not want good ociety long. It is in the power of every man to create it for himself. An agreeable and polished person attracts like light, and every kind of society which is worth entering will soon and easily open its doors to OUR BEST SOCIETY. 507 him, and be glad to have him in its circle. As surely as water finds its level, so surely will they who are fitted for the bestsociety find their way to a permanent place in it; while those who are not fitted for it, who find the observ- ance of its forms irksome, may be tolerated in circles where they are well known ; but they carry no passport that will admit them into the best society of other circles. It there- fore benefits society that such are excluded, for it would become no better than a beer garden were they in the ma- jority. Wealth, mighty power as it is, cannot keep the head of vulgarity long above water in the sea of society. It must go down. Not low birth, then, but neglect of that degree of selfoulture in mind and manners, which is the passport to our best society, can alone place the barrier of exclusion before its doors. " If some of our millionaires had studied their grammars and behavior-books in the respite from business, would the cultivated men and women who dined with the quondam shop-boy and me- chanic, have been sneered at for that worship of gold which induced them to hobnob with vulgarity and endure the repeated neglect of the commonest forms of etiquette ?" asks an English writer. Some one has said that it is the mission of America to vulgarize the world. Not if our women are true to themselves and to their duties, teaching our youth that their demeanor to their elders should be full of respect ; that the demeanor of man to woman should be deferential ; for where such ideas prevail, forms can be dis- pensed with without leading to that inevitable vulgarity which that state of society exhibits where both forms and deference are neglected. From familiarity to indecency there is but one step ; and if a woman overlooks any want of due respect, or the slightest familiarity, failing to show her disapproval in her manner, she may expect it will be repeated with more liberty. Let it be, then, impressed 508 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. upon the mmds of our daughters that familiarity leads to disrespect, disrespect to vulgarity, vulgarity or indecency to vice, and vice to misery. Even Godwin, who says, " Morality is nothing but a calculation of consequences," admits that action to be the best which produces the greatest sum of happiness ; and that vice is a wrong calculation and virtue a right cal ulation of consequences. Familiarity and disrespect are not found in our best society any more than are vice and vulgarity. A kind con- sideration for the feelings of others, the absence of all pre- tence, and conversation leading away from gossip and slander, characterizes it here as everywhere. No better eulogy was ever written of any woman than that which appeared in the " Pennsylvania Mercury," June 9th, 1786, of a young lady belonging to one of the leading families in the United States. A few lines from it read as follows : " If the frailties of her companions was the topic of conversation, she spoke but to vindicate; when their virtues were admired, she joined with a fervency that testified her liberality. . . . No motives influenced her conduct but the happiness of her fellow-creatures." Where such women are found — women ''educated in the paths of prudence and virtue," there will be found awr best society. The best society is not always gay society; it may be a gay circle, or it may be a literary one, or it may be made up of literary people and gay people, or of people neither literary nor gay ; but, in order to be our best socidy, it must be largely composed of well-born, well-trained, and highly cultured families. Let the foreigner who asserts that " America has no fine society," remember that he has not seen all our circles. Wherever a want of true refine- ment marks the circle, where culture is deficient and bad manners prevail, no matter how much wealth may lend its OTJB BEST SOOIBTT. ^09 support to vulgarity, he need not fency lie has seen our best society. But when he finds himself in a circlfe that is governed by the same laws that govern the most refined circles in his own land — when he meets ladies and gentle- men whose manners are the manners of the true gentle- woman and the true gentleman everywhere, then, and not until then, has he seen 'our best society?" 610 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER XVII. HOME LIFE — THE DISCIPLINES OF LIFE — IMMOETAL LIFB. " Crowned or crucified — the same Glows the flame Of her deathless love divine. Still the blessed mother stands, In all lands, As she watched beside thy cradle and by mine." — Emma Lazarus. " Nothing keeps the heart so fresh and young, saves it from bitter, ness and corrosion through the cares and conflicts and disappoint- ments of life, as the daily enjoyment of a happy home. May I always ,keep this in remembrance, and do everything that lies in my power to make our home the happiest spot on earth for our children." — From a Mother's Journal of 1856-57. " Home should be pure and happy, a sacred altar of love, a school for sympathy and forbearance ; a centra from which an impulse for wider work may spring, and whence self-sacrifice in daily trifles may swell into the self-sacrifice of a life for universal objects." — Kbv. S. a. Bbooke. All men move Under a canopy of love As broad as the blue sky above. . . Doubt and trouble, fear and pain And anguish — all are sorrows vain — E'en death itself shall not remain, Though weary deserts we may tread A dreary labyrinth may thread Through dark ways underground be led; Yet, if we will our guide obey, The dreariest path, the darkest way Shall issue out in endless day; And we on various shores now cast, Shall meet, our perilous voyage past, Each in our Father's home at last. HOME LIFE. 511 They only miss The coming to that final bliss — "Who will not count it true that loTe, Blessing, not cursing, rules above ; And that in it we live and move. And one thing further we must know, That to believe these things are so — This firm faith never to forego^ Despite of all that seems at strife "With blessings, and with curses rife, That this is blessing — this is life." — Teknch. A MOTHER once asked a clergyman when she should begin to educate her child — then over three years old. " Madam," was his reply, "you have lost three years already." From the first smile in your infant's eyes, your opportunity begins. Education is a mental railway, beginning at birth, and running on to eternity. No hand can lay it in the right direction but the hand of a mother. The mother's heart is the child's school-room. Children will imitate the faults of their parents more surely than their virtues, and it is not easy to straighten in the woody grape-vines the twists that grew in green tendrils. Evil habits are in no way more effectually propagated among children than by example. Parents must be what they wish their chil- dren to be, and when ■ once this great truth has taken pos- session of a mother's mind, her child becomes her educator, leading her forward, and developing her as no other influ- ence can lead her. There is no half^way resting-place for humanity; we are always sinking unless we are rising; going back- ward, unless we are pressing forward. If the heart is not fixed in youth on the progressive love of truth and purity, it will, from its own inherent selfishness, and world- liness, and sensuousness, sink gradually, but surely, into the false and the impure. The carelesaness of youth passes 612 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. into the indifference of adult life and the callousness of age. What can be more revolting than an old age, cold, hard, and selfish ? Yet this is the natural and almost unavoidable result in hearts whose aspirations are not for those things which cannot grow old, and which the world can neither give nor take away. E.enan tells us that Jesus measured souls only by their love; that he preferred the forgiveness of an injury to a sacrifice ; that the love of God, charity, mutual forgiveness, was all that constituted his law. And it is the observance of this law that makes happy homes ; that keeps the heart young; that enables mothers to train their children for lives of usefulness and progress here, and for ever increas- ing happiness and progress hereafter. A heart filled with the love of all that is noble and good, can never grow old ; for it will go on growing in all that is lovely and gracious, so long as it lives ; and, where there is perpetual growth of the faculties there can be no decay. We grow old, not by wear, but by rust ; and we can never become the prey of rust while our faculties are kept bright by the power and the exercise of earnest love. It is by our own weakness and indolence if our spiritual body ever gathers a wrinkle on its brow. It is the mother's privilege to plant in the hearts of her children these seeds of love which, if nurtured and fostered, will bear the blossom of perpetual youth, and the fruit of earnest and useful lives. It is her province to train them, 60 that they will be capable of meeting the duties and emergencies of life, and in so training them, we have seen that she keeps her own heart fresh and young, and insures the growth of the powers wherewith she is endowed. Our talents do not multiply when we fold them in a napkin of indifference, and bury them in the earth of our lower nature. No class of human beings bears a more heavy weight of HOME LIFE. 5lS 'responsibility than that which is placed beyond the neces- sity of effort ; and thefe is none whose position has a stronger tendency to blind it to the calls of duty. Every gift bestowed on us by Providence, whether of mind, body, or estate, is but another talent, for the employment of which we must one day be called to account. Therefore, those parents who occupy positions which place their children beyond the need of effort, should, when the days of their children's school-life draw to a close, help them to select some special duty or employment which will occupy and develop their mental life; and so save'them from the in- anity, ennui, and selfishness that are sure to follow in the footsteps of idleness " My son, it is better for you not to go into business ; you do not know anything about it, and you have such a distaste for it that you will never succeed," said a dis- couraged father. The mother exclaimed, " You are as un- wise as if you had told him, when he commenced learning to read, that it was better for him not to learn his letters, as he did not already know them, and therefore never could learn to read." The father saw his mistake before it was too late to profit by it, aiding the mother in the end which she had sought to attain through the years of her son's life. And parents must have an end in view, or their labor will be in vain. It is idle to seek for means to accomplish anything until there is a distinct image in the mind of the thing that is to be done. This is as necessary in the forming of character as in the choosing of an occu- pation. Do you wish your child not to acquire the habit of evil- speaking ? Then you have to form the resolution never to deal lightly with the reputation of another, never to repeat a slander ; always to exercise that charity which you wish your child to show toward the erring. Without this 33 514 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. course upon your part, all your counsels will be as naught; if you delight in dwelling upon the faults of others, if you pull aside the mantle of charity that should be made to cover the infirmities of your friends, your exalnple will nullify all your teaching, and your admonitions will be worse than lost. Do you desire your child's face to glow with good humor, contentment, aad satisfaction, so that its presence will warm and cheer, as sunbeams? Then let your own face be illuminated with the sunshine of love; for there is no home that is not shadowed, as by a cloud, if one countenance appears within it darkened by discon- tent. Kind deeds, and kind words, and loving looks are as truly works of charity as pecuniary gifts ; and they are most needed in the home circle. Would you cultivate moral courage in your child? Then say and do whatever you conscientiously believe to be right and true, without being influenced by the opinions of others, showing him that you fear nothing but failing to fulfil your duty. This is very difficult, because the customs and conventionalisms of society hedge us about so closely from our very infancy, that they constrain us when we are unconscious of it, and lead us to act, and to refrain from acting, in a way which our better judgment would forbid, did we consult its indications without being influenced by the world. But every mother can at least show her appreciation of moral courage when it is ex- hibited by others, and in this way incite its growth in the souls of her children. Those who possess this rare faculty, moral courage, are enabled to act, in all the social relations of life, with perfect independence of the opinions of the world, and when not too impulsive, are governed only by the laws of abstract propriety, uprightness, and charity. Would you save your child from the evils of indolence, ihat rust which corrodes and dulls the faculties ? Then HOME LIFE. 615 you must be earnest in purpose and fervent in spirit. Earnestness is a vitalizing force, whicii quickens and brightens the faculties. By indolence we sink ever lower and lower ; by earnestness we rise ever higher and higher. In the circle of man's evil propensities there is perhaps no one that is a more fruitful mother of wretchedness and crime than the propensity to indolence. Labor is some- times spoken of, from the pulpit even, as a curse from which we shall be delivered in the life to come. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Employment is the life of every soul, from the Most High down to the least of his diildren. There is an old proverb that tells us—" Idle- ness is the devil's pillow ; " and well may it be so esteemed, for no head ever rested long upon it, but the lips of the evil spirit were at its ear, breathing falsehood and temp- tation. Every hour of patient labor, whether with the hands, or in study, or thought, brings with it its own priceless re- ward in its direct effects upon the character; while jeal- ousy, envy, discontent, and love of scandal, are among the products of an idle, empty mind. " My present sit- uation is so much beneath me that it seems degrading to me to occupy it,'' said a young man who had taken a sit- uation from necessity-, that he would not have taken from choice. It is not a high or low duty that elevates or de- grades a man, but the performing any duty well or ill. The honor or shame lies in the mode of performance, not in the quality of duty. Let no one complain that he has not been placed in the right niche. We are placed just in that position in life which is best adapted to overcome the evil dispositions of our nature, and to cultivate our powers of mind, and heart, and soul. Besides its use in the edu- cation of our powers and faculties, employment is a bless- ing in helping us to bear the severest trials of this life. 516 SENSI£{.& l!9?tQtrETTE. When grief is tugging at our heartstrings, when our eye* are blinded with tears — then it is that we grope our way out of our homes to work in fields that we did not choose, and to labor for the Master who called us. Wake the dreamer roughly, says Melville, drive Bpurs and goad into his heart ! He will wince, and writhe, and roily and gnash his teeth, but he cannot lie still. He must be up and doing, from sheer torture, flying to one remedy after another, till he gets to work, and so finds distraction, solace, presently comfort ; and after a while, looking yet higher, hope, happiness, and reward. Sorrow-taug'ht, he merges his own identity in the community, of which he is but an atom, taking his first step, though at a humble and immeasurable distance, in the track of self-sacrifice, on which, after more than eighteen hundred years, the foot-* prints are still fresh, still ineffaceable. Let him weep his heart but, if he will ! The deeper the furrows are scofed, the heavier shall be the harvest, the richer the garnered grain. Not a tear falls but it fertilizes some barren spot, from which hereafter shall come up the fresh verdure of an eternal spring. When the pitiless millstone of grief comes crushing down upon the heart and pounds it to powder, we cry aloud in our agony, and protest that no sorrow was ever so un- bearable as ours. What mole working underground was ever so blind as humanity to its own good ? Why, that same grinding to powder is the only means by which the daintiest flour can be obtained. The finest nature, like the truest steel, must be tempered in the hottest furnace ; so much caloric would be thrown away on an inferior metal. Capacity for suffering infers also capacity for achievement ; and who would grudge the pain about his brows if it reminded him he was wearing an imperial crown ? . BOMB LIFE. 51T « I heard the awful wail of those whose hearts Are broken on Ciod's wheels ; and when I said To him who led my steps, ' Why bring me here?' He answered, ' Have no fear ; I do but lead Where he directs who knows the path yoa need.' My trembling heart in terror tried to turn, But flaming swords, the ministers of fate, Forfever held me back, nor ceased pursuit Until upon the rack, my heart, bound fast, Writhing in torture lay. My ashen lips Refused to say, ' Thy will, my God, be done.- And only murmured, ' Thine, O God, the power I ' Then groaned the wheel ; revolving round. Till drop by drop the blood no longer flowed ; For first like gushing fountains it poured forth, Showering accusing spray in drops on those Who lent their strength to turn its ponderous weight. With life at lowest ebb, God's angels came. And one, whose face was radiant with peace. Lifted me up and said, ' Come now with us. Nor grudge the pain which wrung the bitter drops From thy heart's core, since unto thee is given To walk on earth with angels sent from heaven I ' " Come now with us, say the angels that are sent to sus- tain and comfort every soul who calls on heaven for help ; come now with us, and help to make others happy ; let no duty go unperformed while treading " The path of sorrow, for that path alone Leads to a land where sorrow is unknown." How often it is said that life is a school, but how few are the scholars who live as though they understood tlie end and object of its instructions — to fit the soul for a life of perpetual advancement in spiritual graces and perfec- tions; for no angel in heaven ever reaches a degree in per- fection so high that he can go no farther. How can we trouble ourselves over the small perplexities of life, with such a grand and glorious destiny in view ? 518 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. The more perfectly we can make the occupations of our days combine for the growth of our being, the better we are preparing ourselves for happiness here and hereafter. Whoever leads a life of charity in this world, is fitting himself to perform the higher charities that will be required of him in the life beyond the grave. Let it constantly be borne inmind that charities are duties well performed, of whatever kind they may be ; as well the faithful fulfilment of a duty, as the aiding of a sufiering fellow-being. " The virtuous live pvomoting each others' bliss, Which in promoting they secure their own ; Just as a lamp which, when enkindled, is The enkindler of a thousand^ losing none Of its own splendor." He who performs no social use, who makes no human being happier or better, is leading a life of utter self- ishness, of sinfulness in fact; for a life of selfishness is a life of sin. The true end and highest reward of labor is spiritual growth; and whether we employ it as a refuge from the storms of grief, or from the treachery or ingratitude of hearts that we have leaned upon, or to escape from the pitiless pressure of memories that would drive us mad, this growth brings with it the most exalted happiness we are capable of attaining. This happiness is the kingdom of heaven within us ; and it is the certain and unfailing reward, or rather consequence, of a life of true charity. To possess the soul in patience, to be meek, forgiving, and charitable, are duties amply sufficient to tax the powers of the strong- est. There is no room for idleness anywhere. One may still work for goodness, though with manacled limbs, as some have worked. The reward comes from within, for the good ends we work for may be attained only for others. HOME LIFG. 519 With few exceptions the benefactors of this world have been defrauded of their wages. The fable of Prometheus is still enacted-in many lives. Those who scale the rocks that shut this world in from heaven, that they may bring down fire to enlighten and comfort their fellow-men, must not hope to escape the ^vulture's beak. Work is not only a duty, but a necessity of our nature, and when we fancy ourselves idle, we are, in fact, working for one whose wages is death. The question then is, For whom shall we work ? Our happiness here and hereaftet depends upon the answer that we give. Those who labor with no end in view but the acquisition of perishable worldly advantages answer it fearfully, yet there is more hope for such than for those who are slothfully inactive. Wherever there is activity there is hope ; the freshet that sweeps out to sea the mud and refuse of the channel, leaves the river purer after its work is done; but the stag- nant pool, festering in the sun, breeds the malaria which brings death to those who dwell near it. The stream, though flowing in a wrong direction to be of use, may be diverted into channels of beneficence ; but the pool, breed- ing malaria, can only end its poison-distilling influence when drainage has caused it to disappear from the face of the earth. So with human beings, where there is no force of character there is as little hope as that the stagnant pool will bubble up into, a living fountain. The kingdom of evil is readily attained. As Epictetus has said, every man carries in himself his own enemy, which he must carefully watch. We have but to follow the allurements of the passions, and we shall surely find this kingdom, we have but to fold our hands, and it will come to us. With the kingdom of eternal life it is not so. That is a prize not easily won. Faithful, untiring efibrt, look- ing ever toward eternal ends, a constant watch over our 520 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. hearts that its springs may be kept pure and uiulefiled, a resolute determination to let no failure discourage, no oh^^ stacle turn us back, remeiiiberin_g that the crown of victory is promised only to those who persevere to the end. To inspire in her children this ambition, as well as to foster it in her own soul, is the mother's duty. And how can she best do it ? It is easy to preach-— it is hard to practice. Looking around us we find the most selfish of human beings among those who declaim most against self- ishness—the most uncharitable among those who hold up the beauties of charity. Why is this? How has the preacher failed to instil into the minds of his hearers the truths that have warmed his own soul into outbursts of eloquence ? It is because there is an influence, more constant and more potent than the preacher's, at work in the hearts of his hearers, the influence of example. Well may both preach-, ers and mothers falter, and feel at times that they hardly know how to wait for the growth of the seed they have planted. Fear not, watoh the field, pull up the tares by the root, and if the seed has been good, and the soil is good, there will yet be an abundant harvest for those who remain to gather it in. The preacher's lips may be closed in death, the mother's eyes of love may not be here to smile upon her work as the full sheaves are stored in the granary, but not even in death is a mother's love lost, and the sweet communion of her spirit will minister to the spirits of her children, bestowing upon them the full consciousness that she is not unmindful of the fruit of her labors. Some young mother, longing to guard her child from the baited traps and the masked pitfalls of life, longing to save him from the coldness, the malice, the falsehood, the rapacity of those around him, may, like the woman at the well in Samaria, who asked our Lord for the water that HOME LIFE. 521 would enable her to sit at home and come no more to the well to draw, say, " Give me these seeds, that I may plant them so thickly in my child's heart that there will be no room for any evil to take root there." There are no seeds, fond mother, that will save yoat child wholly from evil. Your mission is to pull up the weeds that spring up by the side of the blades that you have planted, and to see that nothing is left that will ex- haust the soil. As the leaves put forth, watch that no cankerworms of pride, or envy, or conceit, gnaw at the tender green. Keep these slimy things away, and the har^ vest is as sure as it can be in a world where the blight of frost or of mildew nips too often the fairest blossoms, or withers and hardens the fruit, instead of ripening it. Not all the mother's vigilance can avert this blight from fall- ing upon the lives of her children, for this work rests with each individual alone; but she can, by nurturing them in the daily enjoyment of a happy home, fill their lives with such sunshine that the frost and tho mildew will be well- nigh powerless. There is a plate armor, too, before which, Calvert, tells us, evils shrink away and dangers quail, — the plate armor of self-respect. The being who is clad in it will be able to walk through temptation and corruption unstained and unbowed. It is something higher than pride, stronger than self-reliance, this feeling of self-respect. It is a soul energy, which masters the whole being for its good, watching with a vigilance to which even that of mothers is drowsi- ness. It is the sense of duty and the sense of honor held in hand by the divine individuality within. It is the mother's province to make her children aware of this pure lofty self, with its tutelary authority. Having made them once conscious that always, everywhere, in all Bases, in every emergency, trial, solicitation, they each carry 522 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. with thetn an inseparable angel, to warn, shield, and rescue them, then she may loosen her mother-arms around them, and let them go out into the great school of life, to learn there the lessons which are taught by hosts of teachers and apostles, all placed at their posts for the great work intrusted to them of preparing immortal spirits for immortality. Through all, they will hear a voice surer, more awakening, more commanding, aye, even more purifying than a moth- er's whispers, in that overpowering sense of personal re- sponsibility which she has planted deep down in their souls. Yes, self-respect is the plate armor, which, although powerless to shield from sorrows that purify and invig- orate, will avert hostile influences that assail, will endow them with that respect for the rights and claims of others which will make them ornaments of society, and cause their lives to be fruitf j1 with blessings to themselves and others — earnest lives, that will strengthen the faltering hearts of preachers, parents, and teachers in their vast and responsible work — dignified lives, that will be worthy examples in the faithful performance of duties small and great. To continue from Calvert and other writers, only God can see the hearts of men ; mortals can judge only by the actions of their kind ; and manners are the most exter- nal manifestation by which men display their Individual peculiarities of mind and heart. There is a dignity of peasants as well as of kiugs — the dignity that comes from all absence of effort, all freedom from pretence. Manners are the garments of the spirit, the external clothing of the being, in which character shows itself. If the character be simple and sincere, the manners will be at one with it, will be the natural outbirth of its traits and peculiarities. If it be complex and self-seeking, the manners will be artificial, affected, or insincere. If Christian charity reign within, HOME LIFE. 523 rudeness or indiflFerence cannot reign without. One may as well look for a healthy physical frame under a skin revolt- ing from disease, as for a healthy moral frame under man- ners rude and discourteous ; for manners indicate the moral temperament quite as accurately as the physical tempera- ment is revealed by the complexion. Among the merely worldly, the difference between an illbred and well bred person is that the former displays his bad qualities in his manners, while the latter conceals them all under a veil of suavity and courtesy. Selfishness prompts the one to be rude, and the other to be hypocritical, and each is alike unworthy of commendation. As long as sterling gold exists, there will also exist its counterfeit, but it cannot depreciate the value of the sterling. The fine lady and fine gentleman of the counterfeit will surely betray themselves in one way or another in some of the many marks of goodbreeding that the cultivated know. It is easy to rub ofiF the gilding, and reveal the worthless coin beneath. The artificial manners and laws of social life are so over- loaded with conventionalisms, and a knowledge of them is so often made a test of goodbreeding, that much confusion of opinion exists regarding the requisites that constitute the true gentleman and gentlewoman, but these titles belong to something real — something not dependent on the knowl- edge and practice of conventionalisms, that change with every changing season. They belong to substantial quali- ties of character, which are the same yesterday, to-day, and to-morrow. In the social intercourse of equals and in domestic life, ill-temper, selfishness, and indifference which is a negative form of selfishness, are the principal sources of illbreeding. When the external forms of courtesy are not observed in the family circle, we are sure to find perpetually recurring 524 8ENSIBI(£ KTIQ^ETTB. contention and biefceFing, Rud^Hess is a constant source of irritation, because however little the members of a family regard civility, each will have his own way of being rude, and each will be disgusted or angry at some portion of the iUbreeding of all the rest, thus provoking accusations and retorts. Or, if there be one of the number more susceptible of being wouoded than of being made angry, God help that one! Some mother who h^ had an ungrateful (;h|ld. lor whom she ha^ toiled and schemed, forgiving its errors, re- pairing its follies, re-establishing its fortunes, and, who in return teaches her the pathos in poor King Lear's sad question : " Is there any cause ip Nature that makes these hard hearts ?" forced against his own instincts to acknowl' edge the venomed bite of that "serpent's tooth," with which, elsewhere, he compares a " thankless child." Or, perhaps, it is some meek wife who, day after day, year after year, endures the tyranny of an overbearing husband, never complaining, never revealing the heaviness of the weight which her heart carries, and looking forward to the grave as her only refuge from bitter, wounding words and unde- served reproaches. It is said that with wear and tear the heart gets hardened, like the muscles, and the feelings beeorae blunted by ill-usage, just as theskia grows callous on an oarsman's hands. It is not so with all hearts, some there are that never harden, but carry bleeding wounds to the end of life. " It is not much this world can give, with all its subtle art ; And gold and gems are not the things to satisfy the heart ; But oh, if those who cluster round the altar and the hearth Have gentle words and loving smiles, how beautiful is earth!" Fluids are said to move easily because each particle is without angular projections that prevejat it from gliding HOME tIPK. 525 smoothly with or by its companions, and in like manner the ease and comfort of the home circle, and of society as well, depends on the polish of the individual. When the units seek their own selfish indulgence, without regard to the rights of each other, the whole must form a mass of grating atoms in which none can be free, or at ease. To be thrown with people of no breeding in society, is annoying ; to encounter rudenesses in the home circle, is unbearable, especially to those of high nervous organiza- tions and of great sensibility. Mothers should therefore early train their children to regard all the courtesies of life as scrupulously toward each other as toward liiere acquaint- ances and strangers. This is the only way in which we can secure to them the daily enjoyment of a happy home ; for, as Burke has truly said. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible opera- tion, like that of the air we breathe in. There is something higher in politeness than Christian moralists have recog- nized, says Brace. In its best forms, as a simple, outgoing, all-pervading spirit, none but the truly religious man can show it; for it is the sacrifice of self in the little habitual matters of life'— always the best test of our principles — together with a respect, unaffected, for man (made in the image of God) as our brother under the same grand destiny. But, because gold is rare, gilding has been invented, which, without its solidity, has all its brightness ; thus to Replace the unselfishness and kindness that we do not possess, we have invented politeness, which has every appearance of it, and which passes current in society, as our paper money represents our sterling coin. But it will not stand the test of home life. There is too much wear and tear. There Bothing will do but the genuine, and he who is accustomed to the genuine likes nothing that is false. Those who are 526 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Dot accustomed to it are often deceived, rejecting the realj accepting the coanterfeit. Where the rule of life is to do good and mak.e others happy, there will the art be found of securing a happy home. Let no mother despair, feeling that her labor has been in vain. At a time when she least expects it, the fruit ripens ; she may have to wait through what seem to her long spring and summer months, for it is only in the autumn that the best fruit reaches perfection ; and some lives rooted in earth only blossom and bear fruit in heaven. Neither let any mother indulge in self-gratulation or pride that her children lead upright lives. " Call no man happy until he is dead," said King Cambyses. No mother can know, however confident she may feel before her chil- dren are tried, whether they may not be vanquished by some invincible temptation. Those who have not en- countered such trials of their inward power, know nothing of their strength. Indeed, they scarcely know the mean- ing of the word " virtue." The mother may feel thankful that her children have escaped such tests, that she has been able to shield them from temptation ; or, what is a still greater cause for re- joicing, that she has prepared them to meet temptation and conquer it, by teaching them self-control, and by in- spiring in them that self-respect which will make them actively virtuous. The only pride which is worthy pride, is that which comes from having fought and overcome temptation. Even then, humility becomes us better than pride, for it is God who gives the victory, helping those who help them- selves. Life is full of problems, and that mother who has studied its most important ones in reference to training heir HOME LIFE. 627 children aright, will walk with fear and trembling all the days of her own life for those who are dearer than life to her. In a world where the highest suffer most, where the noblest wander farthest, where Providence makes use of what we call evil to do his will, for the sake of the fuller and larger life that can come to us in no other way-r through no other agency — what can a mother do but pray for her children, when those years arriv^e in which evil leads them to the great tree of knowledge to choose for themselves? God hides, under what seems to be harsh, cruel lessons, a love as tender as the mother's who denies to her child the poisonous berries which its little hands stretch eagerly to reach. Few are the mothers whose at- tention has not been called to some of these problems of life. It may be, her daughter has misunderstood the too frequent attentions of some man of the world, who, with no thought of marriage upon his part — who, perhaps, scoff- ing at the tie because of its responsibilities, has amused himself in the society of the young girl, winning her con- fidence and her affections, only to leave her for some new face that strikes his fancy. Such a one has picked from the tree of life fruit that hath a fair outside, but is wanting in all flavor within. She may live to give thanks for the fortunate escape made from uniting her life with tlw iife of so selfish a being, and learn that " God's mercy findeth many ways To comfort us when least we would expect ; For even the rocks whereon our hopes are wrecked, When we look back across the years, shall stand Like hallowed altars, reared by angels' hands : For life tends en and upward. By mistakes We learn. The hand which crushed our idols takes Our own, and leads us to new shrines, whose light Shines but the brighter for past error's night. 628 SENSIBLE ETIQIJETTE. All sin and aofrow, shame, disgrace and p4in, Are made his ministers. Prom loss comes gain. Out of all ill it must be he will make Some good to come, for liis dear mercy's sake." Or, perhaps, instead of a daughter, it may be a son, whose heroic, aspiring nature is brought to grovel in the mud of sensualism, through the agency of some fair, false destroyei* of men's souls; for there are women whose whole life is a war against all that lifts men out of hell ; serpents, who strike moral death with their fangs, while charming by their spells. It is a terrible thing to corrupt a womau, but it is more terrible when a woman has made herself so corrupt that no man can teach her aught of evil. Thete is no fate more deadly to a man than that surrender of himself to the wife of another in a passion that has all the bondage and none of the honor of marriage. And the sweeter, the truer, the more loyal the man's nature, the worse for him. How truly has Bulwer said, that the influence of woman on man for good or evil defies reasoning; that it not only moulds his deeds on earth, but makes or mars all that future which lies between his life and his gravestone, and of whatsoever may lie beyond the grave. Saddest of all perad ventures, it may be that the son has lost his faith in womankind because of the worthlessness of character made manifest in some woman dear to him ; his sister, or his affianced it may be, or, worse still, his wife. For such, life stretches out like a boundless desert on all sides, in which there is no green oasis, no cool, fresh fountain of water. He cannot escape it, he must traverse it to the very shores of the river of death. Unfaithfulness on the husband's part is an offence against custom and honor, and may be fatal to the peace of wedded life; but unfaithfulness on the part of the wife is a crime IMMORTAL LIFE. 529 against nature, a denial of every noble instinct. The hus- band carries the disgrace out of the house ; the wife brings it to the fireside. A stain adhering to the mother is lilce a slow poison, which through invisible channels is com- municated to the children. Witb the wife's fall the pillars of family life crumble into utter ruin. She not only strikes her husband a deadly blow, such as his bitterest enemy would scarce deal in fair fight, but poisons her weapon be- sides, and leaves it sticking in the wound to burn and rankle and fester, that every passing hand, in careless jest or wanton outrage, may inflict on him mortal agony at will. The trust of a man once so cruelly betrayed is broken beyond the reach of mending. Not even in an angel from heaven does he feel that he can believe again. This is the worst injury of all. The strongest, the purest, the noblest of earthly motives to well-doing has failed him, and from henceforth the man is but a lamp without a light, a watch without a mainspring, a body without a soul. Balzac says, in his " Physiology of Marriage," " Perish the virtue of seven virgins rather than the sacred chastity of one wife and mother ! A young girl abandoned by her seducer may still deserve all our compassion and respect. Oaths have been violated, confidence has been betrayed; the unhappy victim is still innocent; she may still become a faithful spouse, a loving mother ; while, however exem- plary the subsequent conduct of a faithless wife may be, the fruits of her fault are ineffaceable." Only work and hard work, under some lofty aspiration, actuated by some great and generous object, can lift the betrayed husband out of his depth of sorrow, and rouse him from his apathy of despair. Thus only can he wrestle with the demon that has entered into his heart; thus only cast him out, and, trampling on him, rise to a higher life than that from which he has been dragged down. In self- 530 EfiKSIBLE ETIQUETTE. sacrifice, and in living for the good and happiness of his kind, will he find the only talisman that can set him free — not at once, but, like other permanent results, gradually, and in the lapse of time ; so, mounting step by step, and gaining strength as he ascends, he shall look down from the unassailable heights of forgiveness on the lesser souls that can never reach to wound him now ; forgiveness, free, complete and unconditional as that which he himself pleads for from his God, Or, still again, may it not be that the mother, moved by ambition, has given her pure-minded and happy daughter to a husband whose greatest attraction is his wealth; who possesses few sensibilities other than those that man shares with animals ; no warmth of deling save that of the senses ; ■ no holy tenderness, nor the delicacy that results from this. The real womanhood of a wife has no corresponding part in such a husband. Her deepest voice lacks a response ; the deeper her cry, the more dead his silence. The feult may be none of his; he cannot give her what never lived in his soul. But the wretchedness, the moral deterioration, on her side, attendant on such a false and shallow life, without strength enough to keep the soul, pure and sweet, are amongst the most pitiable wrongs that mortals suffer. Then, if in the midst of such a life, the most dangerous temptation that can assail a good woman should come to her — that of love veiled in a friendship which she never questions until the veil is lifted — what agony for the daugh- ter to realize the full meaning of the words, " bought with a price," in the barter that she has made of her happiness ! Though she may never sin but once, and then only in thought, though she may be utterly innocent in the eyes of the world, yet, because of her very purity and innocence, will she suffer, by force of self-accusation and self-abase- ment, the torment of the victim and the criminal. rMMORTAL LIFE. 531 Is not such a possibility enough to deter mothers from taking the responsibility of urging daughters from homes where they are contented and happy, into a state of life for which they are not prepared? Should not mothers rather seek to give their children a higher view of the duties and responsibilities of life, which will lead them, even without reference to other than worldly objects, to a higher stand- ard of attainment and character ? The natural feelings and interests of the young are not sufficient guides in that mo- mentous step which, though pointed out by nature, is fraught with difficulties under the most favorable circum- stances, and is made happy or miserable according to the use made of reason and judgment in entering upon it. In the extreme uncertainty of a young girl's fate, over which she has no control, it may appear difficult to her mother to determine how to prepare her for positions so different as those, of married or single life ; but a sound and thorough education is all the preparation needed for either ; not mere acquisition of knowledge, but an educa- tion that will develop, exercise, and train the mental powers and faculties and fit them for labor, should serious labor be required ; an education that will create sympathy with every real interest of mankind, and keep heart and mind ever awake and active. She who by such an educa- tion is made most fit to be a truly worthy wife, most fit to acquit herself of the mother's high office, will also be most fit to stand alone, to be self-supporting even, should such be her lot. The good or ill success of any education is not to be tested by the variety of acquirement, but by its efficiency in giving the fnll use of the moral and intellectual facul- ties, wherewith to meet the duties and the struggles of life. The cultivation of the understanding, the development of the powers of the mindj is the work of the teacher ; moral 5S2 gENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. training is the conscious or unconscious work of the pa« rents, more especially of the mother,* and commences long before one word of precept can be understood — spiritual training is inspired, not taught. " You will make your children very selfish, requiring them to ask permission to play with each other's toys, and causing them to thank each other each time they return them, as though it were a great privilege ; instead of allow- ing them to use their toys in common, as children generally do," said one mother to another, whose ideas differed as to the training of children. " I hope not," was the answer ; " I wish to make them respect each other's rights, that they may early learn the rights which property confers, and not entertain confused ideas upon the subject; and I also wish to teach them to be courteous to each other." If all children were early taught to respect the rights of others, would there be such disregard of those rights as we see in- creasing every year in our social life, as well as in our busi- ness world ? Virtue is born of good habits, and the formation of habits may be said to constitute almost the whole work of education. The natural disposition and the circumstance^ of life are, in one sense, beyond the mother's control ; but she can create habits, which shall mould character and pre- pare the mind to maintain that habitual sense of duty which gives command over the passions, power to fight tempta- tion, and which makes obedience to principle comparatively easy under most circumstances. It is to the influence of habits, and not to individual acts (which may be prompted by a momentary impulse), that we must look to give worth and consistency to conduct. Our social and domestic life is made or marred by the habits which have grown into a * " The education of children," says Mrs. Edgeworth, " is begun by those who first smile upon them." lUMOaiAL LIFB. 533 second nature. It is not in any occasional act of civility or kindness that the charm of either home or society consists, but in the habits of courtesy and the respecting of the rights of those around us — whose outward expression is our man- ner — an expression which, if not habitual, can rarely be borrowed with success. Until we learn the secret of form- ing habits, it will be vain for mothers to hope for success in educating their children. The proverbial cases of the spendthrift children of prudent parents, and the profligate children of religious ones, bear witness to the frequent failure of well-meant systems of education ; for however admirable the precepts inculcated, there is in such systems no endeavor to form the habits, whence a certain course of action will flow. Take the habit of evil speaking, of discussing scandals, of repeating gossip in the family circle. Let the pre- cepts be what they may in such a home, the lessons at the fireside, or " around the board," will make such precepts of no avail. Scandal-loving, gossip-repeating, tale-invent- ing parents will rear a brood possessing the same tastes, the same deteriorating habits. A mother's example sketches the outline of her child's character. A mother's example sinks down into the heart of her child, like snowflakes into the heart of the ocean. And how can it be otherwise ? Has he not been taught to revere and honor his mother? And can he be persuaded that her conduct and her practices are not worthy of imitation ? Not even in a parent's death is the influence of example lost to children ; whether for good or for evil it continues through life ; for as " love lives on to bless when those who love are hidden in the grave," so does the evil that is committed die not with the parent, but continues its baleful influence over the child when the soul that exerted it has passed into realms of purifying and endless progression. Let a mother cautiously 634 SENSIBLE BTIQUETTS avoid speaking evil of others ; let her be careful never to exhibit faults that the mantle of charity should cover ; let her regard reputation as a gem of. too great value to be trifled with, and then let her precepts be such as are calcu- lated to excite an abhorrence of evil-speaking, of tattling, of uncharitable construction of the motives of others ; and, having commenced with her children early in life, she will be able to create such a peculiar sensitiveness upon the subject, that not only the habit of bridling the tongue will have been acquired, but her children will learn to avoid the presence of the slanderer as that of a deadly viper. It is all very well to say that calumny is injurious only when it has the power to make us what it represents us to be, but there is a vulgar saying that has passed into a proverb, because of its truth : " Only throw mud enough and some of it will stick j" and slander, having once seized on a fair name for its prey, never altogether loosens its hold, but slumbering for a score of years, will yet, when it looks dead, Jiave power still to lift its hydra-head and eject its poison. It is not enough that the habit of repeating idle gossip and vile slanders is not encouraged, as long as a parent sets the example of persistently attributing action good in itself to motives, mean, contemptible, and base. In that wholesale imputation of unworthy motives, in which, to the student of the human heart, parents reveal that their own standard is not a high one, and that they are simply judging others by the motives which would have actuated themselves had their relative positions been reversed — they build in the charac- ters of their children the foundation of that want of trust, that suspicion of others which, becoming in time the habit of their lives, sheds around them a poison that, like the shadow of the deadly Upas tree, blights all that it falls upon. There is no deadlier disturber of the peace of fami- IMMORTAL LIFE. 535 lies. Like a brood of caterpillars, such suspicions eat out all the tender green of the leaves from the tree of family life, leaving nothing but boughs of skeleton verdure, which but too plainly reveal their exquisite mechanism when it is too late for faith to protect them. , There are some natures that all through life give gold and receive base metal in return, or, at the best, only silver; who possess spirits that are strong to battle with wrong- doing and evil, meanness and injustice, wherever they are found outside of the family circle, yet are as weak as reeds when " Smitten by hands they only knew to trust." At last there comes a time, perhaps, of hushed voices, stealthy footsteps, and a darkened room, growing yet strangely darker with the shadows of the death angel's wings, when to have giv^en gold for silver in all the rela- tions of life enables them to leave it without misgivings for the future, without regret for the past. . Or, perhaps, arriving through long years of discipline and untold sorrows, they may even on earth attain that highest, noblest type of benevolence and devotion, in which they give their gold neither for silver nor for copper, but freely, without return at all. The harvest of such lives is already yellow in the light that is shining on it from the golden hills of heaven. In no place do the laws of good-breeding bear more gratifying results than in the home circle, where, stripped of their mere formality, tempered with love, and fostered by all kindly impulses, they improve the character and bear the choicest fruits. A true gentlewoman will show as much courtesy, and observe all the little duties of polite- ness as unfailingly toward every member of her family as toward the greatest strangers. A true gentleman will 636 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. never forget that if he is bound to exercise courtesy and kindness in his intercourse with the world, he is doubly bound to do so in his intercourse with those who depend upon him for advice, protection, and example. Children trained in such homes will be quick to show to their elders the respect wliich is their due, to their young companions that consideration for their feelings which they expect to meet with in return, and to domestics that patience which even the best too often require. The visitor in such a [household is not entertained with affairs of the kitchen and nursery, and scandal finds no favor; peace and good will are permanent household gods. Such parents are never careless in reference to the associates of their children. They know that it takes but a little leaven of vulgarity to leaven the whole lump. Mothers often fail to train their children aright from neglecting to commence until after habits have been formed. Habits have been compared to handcuffs — easily put on and difficult to rid oneself of. Young children are excellent judges of the motives and feelings of those who have the control of them, and if parents would be respected and have their influence abiding, they must treat their children with perfect candor and up- rightness. If the mother attempts to cheat them into a com- pliance with her wishes, they will not only in turn try to deceive, but they will lose all confidence in her. Parents who are over-indulgent are seldom just, and children value justice and strict adherence to promises more than indul- gence. Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of family love, and no one can have really good manners who is not habitually polished at home. Parents should never receive any little attention from their children without thanking them for it, never ask a favor of them but in courteous terms, never reply to their questions in monosyllables, o» IMMORTAL LIFE. 537 indulge in the rudeness of paying no attention to a ques- tion, and then their children will be ashamed to do such things themselves. Both parents and teachers too often allow habits of dis- respect to be formed — rude, rough, insolent habits, making the stereotyped excuse : " They mean nothing by it," which, if we look at it aright, is worse than no excuse at all. Such habits, formed in the home circle, crop out in the bad man- ners that are found in society. Respect breeds respect in all conditions of life. The influence of the higher reacts on the lower, and insolence breeds insolence as the only method of self-assertion possible. We know this by ourselves. When we are rudely treated, we involuntarily feel ourselves ready for retaliation, as our protest against the indignity offered. To accept it meekly would seem to us dishonor- ing and mean-spirited, and we resent it, showing our re- sentment in a refined and befitting manner. Influence goes from the higher down to the lower — it does not ascend. Servants who thoroughly understand their work should be left to do it without too much interference. A petulant, fault-finding mistress will make a bad servant of a good one. Nothing so entirely vulgarizes a household as a tone of hostility between servants and employers. A mistress should remember that the best servants she can get are not faultless, but are liable to the same errors, temptations, and passions as their employers. She will endeavor to correct their faults and not to provoke them ; above all, she will treat them, and encourage her children to treat them, with uniform kindness and civility, remembering that service is a relationship of employer and employed, and not of master and slave. One can never overestimate the effect of sym- pathy in dealing with a class of inferior rank to our own. It is not enough to be just and liberal to one's servants, 538 SENSIBLE EIIQUDTTB. one should also show sympathy by taking kindly interest ia their circumstances and general well-being, by looking after their comfort, especially when ill, respecting their religious prejudices, and by not too closely curtailing their amusements. Many of the complaints of bad servants have their rise in the bad temper, the inj ustice, and the tyranny of their mis- tresses. When mistresses are what they should be, ser- vants will be what they ought to be. On the other hand the disrespect of a servant should never be passed over lightly. It should be met with immediate and dignified reproof, as should any fall from duty, such as neglect of work, want of punctuality, or prevarication. A persis- tence in faults can only be dealt with by dismissal. A good mistress knows when to be severe, as well as when to be kind. The wheels of domestic life need the oil of civility to make them run smoothly, quite as much as the wheels of society, and where it is freely used they neither rust nor wear out in the service of love. Grumbling and " nagging," or that habit of fault-finding that some indulge in, in the home circle is a terribly trying one. It will in time make sour the sweetest temper, and wear even lovo threadbare. It is the little foxes that eat up the corn ; the little misfortunes, annoy- ances, perplexities, which render life often a burdeu ; the little omissions and commissions which perpetually prick aud scourge us, and keep us heart-sore. There ic an old prov- erb : To make a devil you must take an angel. Constant nagging, persistent mispreresentation of motives, suspicions of evil where no evil was meant, will complete the work in all but the finest and most heroic natures. They alone can stand the fiery test, coming out purer and stronger for the ordeal. George Eliot says, wo can only get better by having people about us who raise good feelings. This is IMMORTAL LirS. 589 one of the secrets of the happiness of some households. Emerson says we need not trouble ourselves about immor- tality ; if we deserve it we will have it. So in the family circle, parents who deserve tender trust and sympathetic love will receive it. Children who are habituated to ob- serve the commandment, " Be kind to one another," will find in mature life how strong the bonds of affection may be made that bind the members of home together. Where the jarring and clashing of rude manners has broken bit after bit from the household shrine, until the cold breath of selfishness has extinguished the flame of love, long ex- posed to its influence before it went out entirely — there will be found no bonds of affection to draw together those who are thus separated. The inmates of such homes must wait for another life to open up for them new opportunities of regaining all that they have lost out of this life. "To Btep aside from Iiove is liell — To walk with Love is heaven." One fruitful source of family diflBculties is found in con- flicting interests. Have no business relations with any one who is dear to you. Few natures can stand this test. When the two brothers came to our Lord with their dis- putes, he said, " Beware of covetousness." This is the shoal whereon, under fair and smiling skies, the bark of family love is often hopelessly wrecked. Children are affectionate and sensitive, some more so than others, it is true. The most sensitive ones suffer cruelly in the hardening process. Parents who do not wish the hearts of their children to become callous should never repress their tenderness, never humiliate them before others. They may often be obliged to check and restrain them, but reproof should be administered to each singly, and entirely alone. The same rule applies to servants, 540 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and where it is not regarded, mortification may incite manifestations of disrespect, for neither children nor ser- vants are exempt from the weaknesses of humanity, and reproof administered before any one is always irritating and never profitable. Only those persons indulge in it who are thoughtless, and those who from ill-temper purposely annoy and wound. Some parents prohibit their children from talking and laughing at the table ; it is unphysiological ; it is cruelty. Joyousness promotes the circulation of the blood, enlivens it, invigorates it, sends it tingling to the remotest part of the system, carrying with it animation, vigor, and life. Discard controversy frem the dining-table. Discourage subjects which may invite political or religious rancor. Let every topic introduced be calculated to instruct, to in- terest, to amuse. Do not let the mind run on business or previous mishaps, or past disappointments. Never tell bad news at the table, nor for half an hour before. Let all you have to communicate be, if possible, of a gladsome, joyous character, calculated to bring out pleasant remarks or agreeable associations. Especially never administer a reproof at the social board, either to a servant or child ; find fault with nothing ; speak unkindly to no one. If remarks are made of the absent, let them be charitable ones, and thus will thoughts of the family table come across the memory in after years, when all have been scat- tered, and some laid in their final resting-place, bringing with them grateful recollection of the parents who made home happy, and of the daily meals, doubly welcome for the kindly feelings fostered there Family disagreements should never be made known outside of the family, where it can be avoided. The world IS severe in its judgment of those who expose the faults of kindred, no matter what the provocation may be. IMMORTAL LIFE. 541 There is nothing that is more vulgar or more repulsive than a family where its members are at " sword's points," as it were, with each other, to say nothing of its unchris- tian condition. Where families dwell together in unity, where the confi- dence is mutual between husband and wife, between parents and children, there is nothing so lovely and attractive in the whole circle of domestic relations as such companionship exhibits But to sustain this condition of things, children, as they mature into young men and young women, must repay the abundant sympathy that they have received, from their childhood up to manhood and womanhood, with abundant sympathy in return. They must exert them- selves to be interested in all that interests their parents, and try .to give that sympathetic attention to the expression of feelings and views which parents have earned the right to expect. Who but the mother, that has daily, for long years, given hours to the amusement of her little ones, play- ing games with them, or reading books to them day after day, year after year, that possessed no interest for her except as they interested and amused her children — who has nnweariedly devoted her life to their instruction and happiness, yielding them at last to others when the time has arrived in which they have found objects of love dearer than a parent can be, — crushing down in her heart, for their sakes, all that illimitable longing for their presence in her empty home which a' fond mother feels — who but such a mother can know the bitter disappointment of find- ing that her children fail her in hours when she most needs the support of their sympathy and love? Yet, let no good mother fear that such a skeleton as a child's ingratitude will ever enter any chamber of her heart to chill and sap by its ghostly presence the very life- blood of her veins; for by the fulness of the measure of 642 SENSIBLE ETIQUHTTE. love and devotion which she has given, shall she receive measure in return. " It does not pay to be a mother," was once said by a mother If it were so, no sadder truth could ever find utterance in this world. It does not pay to be an un- faithful mother; it does not pay to be a selfish mother; but the mother who finds her happiness in the happiness of her children, and whose children, in return love her very shadow, as it were, what is there in this life that pays better than such love pays ? For those unfortunates who have not had such mothers, whose surrounding influences in childhood have been such as to start them on the race of life with the wrong goal in view, there is still a remedy as long as the period of youth lasts. After the age of thirty, habits, manners, and character become fixed. Before that time, although it is a giant task, the direction may be changed, the bent wood of the sapling turned straight, the work of self-education, self-improvement, self-culture, may be commenced with such «nduring resolve as to promise a victory over habits, manners, and character. Hard as it is for youth to get the wrong start in life because of the incapacity of parents to direct, it has many hours to look forward to in which it can regain all that has been lost; and sometimes it does seem as though such competitors gain in the race upon others who had the start long before them. " There is no time like the Eternal Now !" came from the lips of a dying mother, as her only daughter sat in the solemn silence of midnight alone by her bed. The mother's words struck chords that thrilled through her child as some grand piece of music thrills, or the grander tones of the crashing thunder. There is no time like the eternal now, for if we improve it as we ought, we shall have no past to regret and no future to fear. A new year IMMORTAL LIFB. 543 approaches, and looking back upon the old one drawing near its close, we now have the opportunity of profiting by its lessons. There is no teacher so likely to have his lessons heeded as experience. Who is there living, that in this retrospective glance cannot see his mistakes lying about, op- pressive reminders of lost opportunities ? Eecall the offence of wife, or husband, of child, or sister, or brother, too closely scanned and unforgiven ; the belief denied to some loving heart that would have blessed your life with its believing if it had been trusted as loyally as it trusted you ; the charity refused ; the rudeness committed; the wrong done and un- requited ; with the ghostly army of errors of heart and judgment, to haunt us as we look back across the waste which the dying year has brought ! Now is the time in which it rests with us to make in the future a better, truer life than we have made in the past. It is our misfortune that our strength is not always equal to our aspirations ; the resuPt of which is that we make resolutions and break them. The gifts of life are not promised to all that seek them, but to all that endure to the end. The best of us may never, in this existence, win them; may only catch glimpses of that promised land where they all lie; but, although now and then falling with weariness by the way- side, or getting entangled in the briers that arrest our progress, we cannot sink in the mire of life, if we keep on the one sure path of dutywhich leads to our eternal home. Here, we cannot all have happy homes; were it so we would never look forward to the promised home which not even death nor the grave can keep the weary heart from longing for. With a wise hand our heavenly Father has veiled the glories of that eternal home from mortal eyes. To behold them would but make us less happy than we are now, when the joys that we do feel are the greatest that we know of. Were we allowed to have a glimpse of 544 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the bliss of future worlds, our impatience to attain to our homes in those mansions, not made with hands, would em- bitter our lives here. How soon and how easily may the barriers of life be overleapt ? How many thousands, now bearing the daily burden of their wretched earthly homes, the sting of un- kindness or ingratitude, the serpent bite of treachery, the gnawing worm of faithlessness, the bitter uses of adversity, would, forgetful of their duties, throw off these burdens and sever the chains that hold their spirits to their prison- iiouses ! But it is God's will that we should work out our desti- nation on earth as far as it is to be fulfilled here ; that we should not voluntarily and capriciously put an end to our earthly careers, in moments when our strength succumbs to our agony, and endurance no longer seems possible ; but that we should pursue it to its furthest goal. Therefore, he placed as guardians before the closed gates of eternity, fear and anxious doubt, aud the awful stillness of death, and impenetrable darkness. These guardians drive back the human race, that it may pursue to the end its appointed path on earth. In spite of all the discomforts of life, in spite of our impatient longing to be reunited with the friends who have gone before usj the terrors that surround eternity keep many anguished souls from rashly leaping over the barrier which separates them from their real fatherland. We all have a work to do in our earthly homes before we leave them — a work of self-development ; and as we perform it we either grow in likeness to the brutes, or in likeness to him who conferred upon us the sublime power which we call spirit. Virtue does not exist for the sake of this world alone, but for eternity. In the realm of the All-Just the law of retribution reigns as it reigns here. Now if any man build upon this foundation, gold, silver. IMMORTAL LIFE. 545 precious stones, wood, hay, stubble, every man's work shall be made manifest, for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire (the fire of trial?); and the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is. If any man's work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward. Those persons who do not believe in a hell of burning lakes of brimstone, must still believe in the unquenchable fire of vain regrets, in the undying worm of remorseful self-reproach. From this hell we can only be delivered by daily efforts to keep down our evil passions, and to . develop and mature our higher and nobler natures, by doing unto others as we would be done by. The light of the scorching fires of God's disciplining providence comes sooner or later to all who do otherwise, to all who render evil for good. "Whoso rewardeth evil for good, evil shall not de- part from his house."* There is no discipline in home life that advances us as much as that which teaches us to yield our wills to those who have a claim upon us to do so, even in trifling every- day affairs; the wife to the husband, children to their parents and teachers. Of course, where a principle is con- cerned, we must always be firm ; this requires moral cour- age, the daily practice of which virtue raises the character to heights of spiritual grandeur, beyond the comprehension of those who indulge their wills merely because it is their will. They who stoop to meannesses and treacheries towards their kind, indulging in covetousness, hatred, and envy, are preparing the way for the rioting of that worm and that fire from which they cannot escape. The work of self-culture, of self-improvement, cannot be a matter of indifference to any one, for upon it depends the happiness of our earthly homes, as well as our fitness for * Proverbs, 17 : 13. 35 546 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the enjoyments of a spiritual existence. The manifold sufferings which noble beings here below endure for the sake of their beloved ones — friend for friend, parents for children — do but help us in this work of discipline ; and although these tears, these cares, these sacrifices, may re- main unrequited here, eternity brings the recompense. Toward that home where dwell the loved ones who have gone before, let us unwaveringly fix our eyes, determining that nothing shall retard us in our heaven-appointed task of forming and perfecting our characters. If there be a .wrong which we have committed, let us repair it; if there be a fellow-being whom we have offended, let us seek rec- onciliation ; they who have offended us, let us forgive as we hope to be forgiven ; let us strive without ceasing to rise above unworthy ambitions, envy, and all vicious ten- dencies ; that when the angel of death comes to lead us from the fleeting joys of our eartlily homes, we may be pre- pared to enjoy the inconceivable and steadfast bliss of eternity. Charity, love to God and love to man, is the parent and source of every spiritual perfection. Only they who dwell in love dwell in God ; only they who dwell in love can make happy homes on earth, or enjoy the life be- yond, where all is love. It is in vain to ask this gift — a heart of love-— of the Angel of Life. We must mould our own material, quarry our own nature, make our own character. " An angel came to me one night, In glorious beauty clothed, And with sweet words of hope and joy My way-worn spirit soothed. " He bade me ask for any gift Within his power to give ; For Death's kind arms to bear me hence^ Or countless years to live. IMMORTAL LIFE. 54T " For riches, honor, or domains, A sceptre, crown and throne : Por friends with loving hearts to bless My cherished, happy home." '"Dear angel bright,' I cried, ' From each and all I'll part, If thou'lt bestow that richer gift, A pure and spotless heart.' " The angel smiled (with such a smile As angels only have), Then sighing low, a diamond glass Into my hand he gave. " ' Oh mine is not the power,' he said, ' To fit thy heart for heaven ; The gift to purify thy soul Unto thyself is given. " ' But look within the faithful glass That I have given thee. And there, within thy outer self, Thy inner self thou'lt see.' " I looked, 'twas strange, but there I saw Two beings joined in one ; ■ For clearly through the outer shell A radiant spirit shone. " Long, long I gazed, and years on years Seemed there to pass away, And still I saw that spirit bright Grow brighter every day. " At last 'twas free — free from the shell That dimmed its brilliant glow, And upward flew on angel wing» And left the shell below." Nettport, October, 1877. ADDENDA. Iir chapter viii, page 267, the following statement is made. "Many persons are beginning to follow the sensible custom introduced in England, of leaving off all bright colors and axihering strictly to black, without using the materials which are confined to mourning dress." The " Christian Register" of April 27th, has an article on " Mourning Apparel," which is worthy the consideration of all persons of influence, and which reads as follows: "The principal objections against the custom of wear- ing mourning apparel are that it is useless, inconvenient, and expensive. For what use does it serve ? To remind me I am in affliction ? I do not need any such memento. To point me out to others as a mourner ? I most certainly do not wish to be so pointed out. Shall the sable garb be adopted then because it is grateful to my feelings, because it is a kind of solace to me? I can gain no consolation from it. " If, then, the custom is useless, it is still more objection- able on account of the inconvenience and expense. It is inconvenient, because it throws the care of purchasing and making clothes upon a family at the very moment when, on every account, it most needs seclusion and quietness; ( 549) 550 ADDKNDA. when, worn out with care, and watching, and sorrow, it needs retirement and relief. That the expense presses heavily upon the poor, is a matter very well known, and, I believe, generally regretted. If, then, there is a custom in the community which is of no real benefit, and is a real burden, it would seem a clear inference that it ought to be discouraged. If there be any who fear that they shall be too soon forgotten among men when they are gone, let them be reminded that it depends upon themselves, not upon the habiliments of their friends ; upon their character, not upon their obsequies, whether they shall be remembered. * The memorial of virtue,' saith the wisdom of Solomon, • ' is immortal.' When it is present, men take example of it ; and when it is gone they, deserve it ; it weareth a crown and triumph forever." In behalf of those who cling to deep mourning garments, and who do not feel that the garb evidences their unchris- tian want of resignation even more than it does their griefj it may be said that the thick veil, prescribed by custom, is a great protection to their feelings, screening, as it often does, the tearful eyes and the quivering lips. But the thick crape veil is prejudicial to health, and therefore should not be worn when black veils, of other materials, will answer the purpose equally well. n. The compiler has more than once alluded to the desira- bility of gentlewomen, who are dependent upon their own exertions for a living, seeking situations as housekeepers, instead of swelling the ranks of teachers. The objection ADDBNDA. 551 that is made is the treatment that housekeepers too often receive; but this is only where ladies accept such situations in families that are not wellbred. If a woman of good family and of culture accepts the position of a housekeeper in America in an equally cultured family, she is made to feel that she is a member of the family ; and if she is faith- ful to the trust reposed in her, and worthy of the attention that is paid to her, she will make herself to all intents and purposes one of them. On page 312 an allusion is made to such a housekeeper. The following note of invitation, written by the late Mrs'. Dr. Rush (a daughter of Mr. Ridgway) to the daughter-in- law of this housekeeper, gives evidence of the kind and friendly relation that existed between the two families. The "Mrs. " who was to dine with Mrs. Rush was the housekeeper of her father. The one alluded to as " C " was the housekeeper's grandson, and the ward of Mr. Ridgway. "My bbab Kachkl: " Mrs. and my cousin S W have promised to take tea with me to-morro'W evening. I shall be much pleased if you will join them. I hope C is better. " Tours, "Ann Eush " There is nothing menial in a situation of this descrip- tion, and it is to be hoped that the rapidly increasing num- bers of reduced gentlewomen in our country will have a tendency to restore the old-fashioned ideas on this subject, and that the situation of housekeeper will once more be- come as honorable as it was then. All situations, every- where, where trust is reposed, and which require integrity of character, should be held to be especially honorable ones. Salary should not be the object of housekeepers as much 552 ADDENDA. as a home for life ; and where the relative duties are un- derstood and sustained, the housekeeper who has been long in a family, is never turned off in old age to end her days in poverty and neglect. Therefore, and for other reasons, the situation of housekeeper in a wellbred family is one that is much to be preferred by middle-aged women, who are suddenly cast upon their own resources, to the situa- tion of a teacher. " Do you know that was once a teacher in public schools, and that her mother was a housekeeper, etc., etc.?" asked one lady of another. The answer was, "No, I do not know it, but I know to the contrary; though if it were true, I should esteem her all the more for her indepen- dence, and value her friendship more than ever." This is the right kind of feeling. " From the moment a woman supports herself, or those she loves, by her work," wrote the late Mrs. H. M. Field, " she ought to ascend in the social as she does in the moral scale. She is not to be pitied or patronized, but to be respected for her spirit of independence. Women of wealth who in their eatly life have been teachers, sometimes seem anxious to conceal a fact which they ought to recall with pride If the intellect of woman is cultivated, if she has any special gift, she will seek work, for she finds the keenest pleasure in the exercise of her talent, and a just pride in compelling the public to recognize it The Queen of England herself writes books, and receives her copyright as much as any poor author. To work, then, and to work for pay, is no disgrace I would say to every young woman, work; and if you cannot work with your brain (and genius, even talent, is given to few), work with your hands, bravely, openly, keeping your self-respect and your independence. Work was never meant to be a curse or a shame ; it is the surest element of growth and happiness. With woman ADOBNDA. 553 rests especially the power to right her own sex as to this absurd prejudice, by working herself when gifted with great powers, and recognizing with a real sympathy the work, however humble, of other women No woman is free from responsibility toward her own sex. AH are to bear one another's burdens, and to share one another's sor- rows. This is the true sisterhood of 'woman. However widely apart in station, they react upon each other for good or for evil It is time that all false, arbitrary dis- tinctions should cease. The ranks of workers are swelling too rapidly" — including many well-born and delicately nurtured — "and the time must come when the position of a. woman will depend only on the dignity of her life, and the cultivation of her mind." — Page 68, "The Young Lady's Friend." III. In chapter iii, page 110, occur the following lines: "As long as the very kindness of heart which shapes the course of some members of society is made to confront them in some odious form, as long as there is so little of that charity that thinketh no evil, and so much of that cre- dence of the vilest insinuations that it would seem only demons could breathe, it is as Utopian to look for any esprU de carps in society as to look for a change of character in the depraved^ or for angelic natures in the human." In connection with this assertion, the compiler wishes to impress upon the young, the importance of holding right views as to their relative duties to their friends and to their acquaintances. For instance, it is not necessary for you to " take up the cudgels," as it is. significantly expressed, 564 ADDENDA. for an acquaintance, although, when a friend is attacked, it is your duty to check the tide of gossip, if gossip it be, or to deny the slander, in case it be a slander. Further than this, it is not wise to interfere as long as that confu- sion of ideas prevails in reference to the duties of persons who stand in the relation of friends to each other, which is so little creditable to their discernment and to the quality of their moral organization. " If a man comes to me with any slander concerning me or mine, he must give the name of his informant," says one. Certainly he must. If he is sufficiently your friend to wish to benefit you by putting it in your power to deny or to disprove the slander, he will give you the name ; but honor requires that in making use of what he tells you, you shall not give his name as authority without his consent. Thus, the aspect of duty changes, according to the rela- tions which the parties most interested sustain toward each other. You are bound not to tell your friend anything concerning himself that is slanderous, or even disagreeable, without giving the authority. He to whom you give this proof of friendship is equally bound to you not to betray the trust you have reposed in him. Your duties are toward each other, not toward-the third party. You are at liberty to make use of the information given to you by your friend to refute the slander. He takes the risk of giving oifence, because of his desire to serve you; but if he is a man of honor, and he looks upon you as his equal morally^ he will no more charge you not to give his name as authority than he would charge you not to steal any money out of a purse that he leaves with you for safe keeping. The average man of the world says : " Mind your own business, and keep out of trouble. If you try to help a friend, the chances are that you will be placed in the posi- tion of a third man interfering to separate two who are ADDENDA. 655 quarrelling; they turn upon him, and he catches all the blows that fall." Here, then, lies the secret why so few are willing to assume the offices of a friend. They do not wish the belligerents to turn upon them. While the duty is none the less binding because of the danger that one incurs, it is a duty that should be exercised with the greatest caution, and it is one that ought not to be expected of any but those who are capable of a thor- oughly loyal friendship. The Psalmist puts these words into the mouth of the Most High : " Thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself." Let the friend who would do another the priceless service of helping him to disprove a cruel slander, first be sure that his friend is altogether such an one as himself; that the friendship is as exalted upon one side as upon the other ; and then the result is as unchangeable as that of a correctly demonstrated problem in Euclid. "Friefndship depends upon its own imdinctfor integrity."* In order to make the relative duties of friend to friend still clearer, let us suppose that A and B are friends who have equal confidence in each other. They, unpremeditatedly, fall into a confidential talk, in which they touch upon the private grievances of each, and suddenly discover a new bond of sympathy between them in the fact that each has had to bear a slander of the same nature attached to their family histories. Possibly each may have heard the slander concerning the other, and it may be that neither of them has ever heard it of himself, or one of them may never have heard it. Let us take the latter case. A has heard the slander of himself and of his friend (B), but B has heard the slander that concerns his friend (A) * Faces and Masks ; or A Plea for Pidelity in Friendship. By Stephen H. Tyng, Jr., D.D. 556 ADDENDA. only. A is fully convinced in his own mind that the tale (about B) is a fiction from beginning to end, but, as he has had no proof to sustain his convictions, he has let a score or two of years pass without alluding to the slander, satis- fying himself with contradicting it when it was asserted in his presence. But during this unpremeditated exchange of confidence, B puts A in possession of certain facts which give the lie to the slander (concerning himself (B) ), and (thus unconsciously) makes it the duty of A to communi- cate to B the fact that there is a slander attached to his (B's) family history, which slander up to this time he had been ignorant of. In order to put it in the power of B to disprove the slander, A gives the name of X, an acquaintance of both, who was the first to repeat the slander to A, as a bit of veritable history concerning B's antecedents. A and B, as friends, owe each other duties which they do not owe to X, and which X does not owe to either of them. X has vio- lated no confidences, nor outraged any professions of friend- ship, in repeating an on dit which was currently reported and credited, and if B believes his friend's statement, he will at once go to X, to ask him his authority, or to put it in X's power to disprove and deny the slander in future. If B does not credit the statement, he does not go to X at all. He ought to know the character of his friend suffi- ciently to believe or to doubt on the moment. We will suppose that B does not doubt A, and that he goes to X, and that X has forgotten having made the statement, and denies it point-blank (insisting that he never heard it before, and demanding the name of the informer), as the average man surely will do when accused of having, repeated anything libellous of another. In such a case, if B has so little faith in A as to have his confidence in his in- tegrity shaken, so that he suspects him of inventing the ADDENDA. 557 tale (Query : Could a man harbor such a suspicion of one who bad given such a proof of friendliness ?), it would still be the duty of B to shield A until his unworthiness was proved ; and, therefore, B would refuse to give A's name without A's permission, unless the friendship has been one of those one-sided ones, in which gold is given for copper gilded to resemble gold. Then, if so, A stands between the two, and catches the blows of both. In other words. A, who has courageously endeavored to be of use to B, though at the expense of losing the favor of the acquain- tance X, is bruited abroad, by both B and X, as a mischief- making tale-bearer and an inventor of scandal. This is too great a risk to run for any friend, excepting the truest and noblest. Damon may do it for Pythias, and Pythias for Damon, but for nothing less in the way of friendship will a man expose himself to such a possibility after he has seen through the mask of one false friend. If Pythias gives Damon such a proof of the sterling worth of his half of the friendship, Damon will not be excelled by him in generosity of sentiment; he will go to X with all the tact of a courtier, and will put him in possession of the evidence necessary to nail the falsehood, without com- promising Pythias in any way. It is not worth one's while to call people to account for repeating gossip that they hear, unless one has some claim of friendship or connection, for it is the custom of the age to talk of one another's affairs, and it must be endured with other grievances ; but it is worth the while of every man and every woman slandered to give the lie to the slander, and where it becomes libel to follow it up until it is crushed out forever. People will talk of their neighbors, and will repeat what is said about them though even the most inveterate gossip is careful not to mention the name of her informant in serving up a spicy dish of scandal concerning the absent. To the ques- 658 ADDENDA. tion, " Who told you ? " she cautiously answers : " I give you the story as I heard it, I do not give my authority." This is the way of the world in speaking of mere ac- quaintances, and must continue to be the way of the world as long as gossip has charms for society. This require- ment is as binding in good society as is that which makes it necessary to give the name of the one who repeats a slander if you go with it to those whom it concerns. Your duties are to the subject of it, not to the world at large. What is duty in one case is treachery in another, and the blow of treachery when struck by a hand that you have loved, cleaves down through the brain to the heart. Friendship of all ties most binds the heart, And faith in friendship is the noblest part. To sum up, true friendship requires in case one friend knows that a slander of another has no foundation in fact, that the friend should put it in the power of the slandered one to disprove it by giving the authority. As long as there is the least donbt in the mind as to whether it is fic- tion or fact, one is not bound to notice it in any way ; but, knowing it to be false, if you would do as you would be done by, you should not hesitate about putting it in the power of your friend to prove its falsity, unless you do not possess sufficient moral courage to give the name of your informant. Then, say nothing. But if you give the name, not only friendship but honor requires that your friend should shield you from suspicion. He owes no duty to the one whose mistake he hastens to rectify, and whose duty it then becomes in turn to give his authority to the slandered one, or to hasten to correct his informant. iN'othing short of permission by the friend, to make use of his name, justifies the one who has been put on the track of hunting down the slander for revealing his authority. As long as the world lasts, and its inhabitants are all ADDENDA. 559 sinners, and not saints and angels, we will, all of us, more or less, according to our several degrees of culture, repeat what we hear of neighbors aud acquaintances to whom we are bound by no ties of friendship, although those whom we love are held sacred and defended when at- tacked. We have no right to feel oifended with those who do us the honor to take an interest in our affairs, although we may take ever so little interest in theirs. To expect them not to repeat what they hear is to show a great want of knowledge as to some of the characteristics of human nature. What we have a right to expect, and all that we have a right to expect from those acquaintances whom we do not classify with our true, loyal friends, is, that after they have been informed that fiction is not fact that they shall not continue to circulate it as fact. He who expects more ex- pects too much from human nature. What will be the course of the one who, wearing the mask of friendship, goes with a slander to the subject of it? It will be repeated without the name. The subject of it receives it as a blow in the dark, or as a stab in the back, and is powerless to aid himself. When he asks for light he is told, " Oh ! I can't tell stories and names, too." Then, if he is a man of correct moral vision, or a woman, as we will suppose, the answer is: "Do not bring me any slanders that concern me un- less you give me the name of your informant." Next, the reply may be : " Well, you see there are so many persons who have told me — forty at least. I cannot give any names, but everybody believes it." " Why did you come to me with it, then, if you cannot give me your author- ity?" Here the mask drops off, and were Nuda Veritas to prompt the tongue, the answer would be in character not unlike the one given by Mrs. Verjuice to Madame Deb- 660 ADDENDA. onuair, under an illustration in " Punch," where a young and pretty woman is catechizing an ugly one, as follows : Mrs. Debonnair (urged by an irresistible impulse to ask a jDlain question) : " Tell me, Mrs. Verjuice, when you come to see me why do you so persistently ring the praises of Mrs. Whatsernayme?" Mrs. Verjuice (urged by an irresistible impulse to answer the plain truth): "Well, Mi's. Debonnair, the fact is, I am not fortunate, good-looking, popular, and beloved, as you are, and, consequently, I hate you. I cannot tell you so in so many words, but I can insinuate by my extrava- gant praise of Mrs. Whatsernayme (whom, by the by, I ■ hate almost as much as I hate you), that I rate very low the gifts which you enjoy and wliich I so bitterly envy you." In other words, the one who brings you tales of what is said of you, mingling them skilfully with comments of her own, as to what other people say of you, with now and then an assertion that she has not told you the half that she has heard, is the false friend. She never leaves you that you do not wonder, after she has gone, that you have submitted so tamely to what no one would dare, to say who did not wear the mask of friendship. She never puts it in your power to disprove a slander and check its course. She thrusts its barbed point into your heart and leaves it there to rankle and do its work. Here, then, are the two courses by which one can distinguish be- tween true and false friendship, l^o true friend repeats slanders or unkind comments without putting it in your power to vindicate yourself. He does it for your good, feeling confidence in the use that a true friend will make of such information. The false friend does not repeat tales for your good, but for the purpose of gratifying the ba.ser instincts of human \jature; which lead those who envy a condition of life which ADDBNDA. 561 13 unattainable .to them, or the possession of qualities equally unattainable, to delight in inflicting pain and creating annoyance in the hearts and minds of those who have attained such condition, or who possess such qualities. Far be it from any one who knows human nature in its unregenerate state, to counsel men or women to follow the golden rule, in the matter of striving to help a friend in put- ting down a slander. It is one of those matters where it is wiser to take heed to Goethe's injunction; "Do the duty that lies nearest to thee ;" and we all have a duty to exer- cise toward ourselves, before we assume any unnecessary responsibilities. It may be, in fact, as the world considers it, quixotic to interfere in any way in such cases, unless the party slandered is connected to you by ties of blood. Then there can be no question in the minds of any one as to your dviy ; though, even among relatives, differing ideas are held as to what constitutes nobleness of character and honesty of purpose. Therefore, beware of doing your duty even, if you shrink from suffering. Be prepared for the penalty before you put yourself in the way of having a forgetful human being shift a weight of responsibility on to your shoulders (in the eyes of the world), which belongs to another to carry, and not to you. But if this advice comes too late to any reader, let him remember that it is not given to the worthless to stagger under a cross that may bring a martyr's crown to the one who bears it. " A man can carry a hundredweight on his shoulders with less inconvenience than a few pounds about his heart." The heart of many a human being is aching to-day with the anguish of its load ; a load that because of its intense weight demoralizes the individual almost, for thetime being, who has not trained for it. It is the sudden blow that makes us reel and stagger; the blow for which we are totally unprepared that prostrates us. 36 562 ADDENDA. Some one has compared a man's progress toward his grave to that of a sculler laboring up stream. By taking the established and conventional course, he avoids collision with his kind, and proceeds in comparative safety. It is they who turn aside that encounter obstacles ; and, if they turn for the purpose of aiding and succoring one of their own kind, is it not better — the weariness, the pain, the an- guish, when the service is repaid with ingratitude, than is the safe journey completed without fulfilling any acts of charity or of devotion ? Where would we find philanthro- pists, philosophers, poets even, who " learn in suffering what they teach in song," if each human being were resolutely bent upon serving self and making self his God ? The very moment that any one suffers because of the sin of an~ other, let that sin be what it may, that moment the indi- vidual is following, although in an immeasurably humble way, in the footsteps of our blessed Lord. The same cup is given to drink from; false witnesses spring up; deser- tion, reproaches, the crown of thorns, the spear-wound, all follow. After the crucifixion comes the resurrection. He who has " been tried and not found wanting," has learned, in the Various schools of trial through which he has passed, "how sublime a, thing it is to suffer and grow strong!" Four gates there are that open into heaven : The first, of deep-hued amethj-st, fold on fold; The second, jacinth is ; the third, of pearl ; The fourth, of inwrought work of jewelled gold. The amethyst gate they only enter in In whom both " faith and charity " abound ; Good works the jacinth; "pure of heart" the pearl; The fourth, thetf who were tried nor wanting found. Weary of earth, heart-sore and faint, there came A pilgrim spirit to the purple gate ; Its violet folds werq closed, and opened not To give one glimpse of that celestial state. ADDENDA. 563 On to the jacinth gate the traveller went; Its amber crystal rose like wall of glass, Nor open swung at her imploring cry, Within to let the weary wanderer pass. The gate of pearl, with prism-glowing tints, Feebly she next with faltering hands essayed ; A message came I " Pass to the golden gate I Our King awaits thee there, be not afraid 1" Emboldened thus, the woman hastened on : The gate flew open ; throngs on either side "Welcomed with amaranth wreaths and sound of harpi, As forth to meet her came " The Crucified." "Within the jewelled gate the pilgrim passed. Led by her Lord, transfigured like to him, While wave on wave of music flowed through heaven, From chanting, winged hosts of seraphim. Amazed, the earth-born to her Saviour said, " What wrought I, Lord, for thy dear name on earth, That thou should'st meet me at the gate of gold — " Accused, reviled, my good name robbed of worth ?" •' Living for others, thou hast lived for me ; Conquering thyself, the conqueror's crown is given; Faithful in all committed to thy care. Hath brought thee through the golden gate to heaven J'' And now, no longer weary nor heart-sore, This pilgrim spirit works for mortals still ; No longer fettered by earth's fears and cares. But free as angels are to do God's will. Now, to the way-worn on this planet left, On viewless pinions borne she comes and goes ; They know not whence the calm sustaining strength That to them ofttimes like a river flows I Ah, messengers there are from heaven to earth, In these our days, as in the days of old ; And those sent back to strengthen and console, Are they who enter by the gate of gold I APPENDIX. The comijiler does not claim one original idea as her own in the foregoing pages, having gleaned her sheaves from various fields. She regrets that she is not able to give the names of all the authors whose writings she has made use of, connecting them, as she has done very often, without notifying the reader of the change from one to another. Many passages are taken from her note-book, where they were jotted down hastily, sometimes in pencil, and frequently without giving the name of the author, or of the book from which it was taken. She hopes that living authors will be gratified by finding that the seed which they have sown, in some cases scores of years ago, is now planted again for new harvests. Among the many writers whose words are garnered here, and among the books and essays from which the compila- tion has been chiefly made, are the following : NAMES OP AUTHOES QUOTED FHOM : Aim6-Martin, Brotherton, Alice "W., Aristotle, Bulwer, Bacon, Lord, Burke, Bagehot, Burney, Evelina, Brace, Bushnell, Brookes, Calvert, ( 565 ) 566 APPENDIX. Campan, Madame, Carlyle, Chandler, Mary G., Chesterfield, Lord, Cicero, Clarke, Dr., Collyer, Davis, Rebecca Harding, Dickens, Dix, Rev. Dr., Dumas, Elliott, Rev. G., Emerson, Epictetus, Faithful, Emily, Furness, Rev. Dr., Grey, Mrs. William, Gurowski, Hamerton, Haweis, Hawthorne, Holland, Hooker, Hubner, Isocrates, Kingsley, Lamartine, Various unknown Lambert, Marchioness de, Langton, Lady* Gore, Locke, , Longfellow, Marius, Caius, May, Rev. Joseph, Melville, J. W., Moore, Clara J., Murray, Grenville, Ouida, Pattison, Procter, Adelaide, Reade, Winwood, Robertson, Ruskin, Saussure, Madame Neckerde Sheridan, Sherwood, Mrs. John, Shirreff, Emily, Socrates, Spencer, Herbert, Spinoza, Spurgeon, Swift, Thackeray, Tocqueville, de, Zimmerman, Journalists. NAMES OP BOOKS AND ESSAYS ON GOOD MAJfNEBS QUOTED FROM: The Art of Conversation. New York Social Etiquette, Mixing in Society. APPKNDIX. The Habits of Good Society. High Life Below Stairs. Ball-giving and Ball-going. Manners of Modern Society. Modern Etiquette. Concerning Etiquette. Unsettled Points of Etiquette. Code du C6r6monial Guide. Petit Traits de la Politesse. Les Lois de la Bonne Soci^tS. 567