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FOIBLES 
 
 OF THE BAR 
 
 HENRY S. WILCOX 
 
 OF THE CHICAGO BAR 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 
 LEGAL LITERATURE COMPANY 
 
 CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 
 
 1 ''i 6 
 
Copyrighted, 1906, 
 
 BY 
 
 HENRY S. WILCOX 
 Entered in Stationers' Hall. 
 
PREFACE 
 
 In the preface to "Foibles of the Bench," the first 
 volume of this series, it is stated: 
 
 "Let no one suppose that this volume is intended 
 by the author to 'get even' with the judiciary or to 
 exhibit his personal scars and grievances. It is much 
 too small for that purpose. The characters herein 
 delineated are not merely local nor of the present. 
 Judge Knowall, Judge Doall, Judge Wasp, Judge 
 Fearful, Judge Wabbler, Judge Graft, Judge Whiffet, 
 Judge Wind, and many of the other judges referred 
 to, are types which have existed from the beginning 
 of history, in aU lands, and they are likely to continue 
 until a higher civilization and a better understanding 
 of the nature of the judicial oflSce shall retire them 
 from the bench. By exhibiting these characters the 
 author has not intended to assail any person living or 
 blacken the memories of any who have departed. He 
 has merely cut the garments and has left to the public 
 the task of placing them upon those who are best 
 fitted to wear them. The life of the judge is often 
 full of perplexing cares, and he needs all the assistance 
 that an enlightened bar can afiford him in the dis- 
 charge of his duty. It is not to his interest nor is it 
 better for the public that he be deprived of such 
 suggestions as occiu- to those who practice before him. 
 
 "Every person who has profited by the practice of 
 a profession should strive to improve it, and it has 
 long been the purpose of the author, before retiring 
 3 
 
PREFACE 
 
 from the practice of the law, to call public attention 
 to such defects, abuses and weaknesses as he has 
 noticed, and to propose such improvements as seemed 
 fit. Now, after having passed the half-century mark, 
 and having spent the larger portion of that time in 
 actual practice as a trial lawyer, he has concluded to 
 make a beginning. He intends to follow this book 
 with others of about the same size and general char- 
 acteristics treating on 'The Foibles of the Bar,' 
 'The Frailties of the Jury,' 'The Fallacies of the 
 Law,' etc." 
 
 These assurances were not sufficient to prevent the 
 suspicion from obtaining in the minds of many readers 
 and reviewers that the book was written with a mali- 
 cious design of caricaturing certain occupants of the 
 bench. The author wishes to state emphatically that 
 he knows of no enemies either on the bench or at the 
 bar, nor has he suffered any wounds during his 
 professional career that the salve of time has not 
 completely healed. Had he grounds to desire the 
 injury of any one he would not adopt this method. 
 The offsprings of malice are soon buried with the 
 dust of oblivion, and the only hope [the author has 
 of helping humanity with the work he has undertaken 
 is that it shall deserve to be read and preserved. The 
 general reader has always demanded that nuggets of 
 wisdom be served with a salad dressing, and the 
 types used to illustrate herein are merely intended to 
 make the truths taught more palatable. The many 
 kind words that have been written about "Foibles of 
 
PREFACE 
 
 the Bench" in the newspapers and magazines of the 
 nation have greatly pleased the author, but he has 
 noticed with some sadness the tendency to overlook 
 the wrongs portrayed and the remedies suggested. 
 These were the inspiration of "Foibles of the Bench," 
 and it is a subject for regret that the dressing should 
 attract more attention than the articles intended to 
 be garnished thereby. In this volume the author 
 has adopted the same method. In his practice he 
 has made and observed many mistakes and missed 
 many opportunities for good. These he aims to set 
 forth and illustrate by sketching t)T3ical characters 
 and narrating anecdotes concerning them. He hopes 
 thereby to amuse and instruct the general reader as 
 well as members of the legal profession, and thus 
 point the way and stimulate an ambition in many to 
 reach a higher altitude of excellence. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Functions 
 
 'TpHE proper function of a lawyer is to inform his 
 "*■ client what his legal rights are and to assist 
 him in obtaining those rights. This requires him 
 to be a student of law, a seeker after truth, a cham- 
 pion of the right. It does not make him the accom- 
 plice of the thief, the pal of the highwayman, or the 
 fence for a nest of criminals. If he divides spoils 
 with pickpockets, shields assassins, or becomes a part 
 of the burglars' tools, he does so in violation of his 
 duty as a lawyer, he becomes such by yielding to the 
 same corrupt purpose that inspires other criminals. 
 
 Before the lawyer can correctly advise his client 
 relative to his legal rights, he must become familiar 
 with the facts that pertain thereto. Many facts must 
 be garnered as a basis for the lawyer's opinion. 
 Usually the client is incompetent to collect these facts 
 for he does not know exactly what are material and 
 what immaterial, and some one having expert knowl- 
 edge must act for him. In most cases the lawyer 
 9 
 
10 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 must discharge this duty, acting in conjunction with 
 his client and employees. This task should be per- 
 formed with great accuracy, for on ttiis depends the 
 entire value of the lawyer's advice. In doing this 
 the lawyer should seek only the truth. He should 
 neither employ nor be deceived by liars. If he hunts 
 for false testimony, or becomes a loom for weaving 
 lies to be sworn to by perjured witnesses, or counts 
 upon his capacity to deceive or corrupt a judge or 
 jury, he departs from the honorable task of a lawyer 
 and becomes a public enemy. 
 
 Where the law is complicated many legal facts must 
 be collected, such as the decisions of the courts of 
 last resort, the latest Acts of the legislature, and such 
 other authorities as are necessary to show the exact 
 state of the law upon the subject. This work, also, 
 must be done by the lawyer or his competent em- 
 ployees. His opinion will not be reliable imless these 
 tasks are faithfully performed. 
 
 The collection of legal facts is a tedious labor that 
 can be mitigated only by a reverence for the law, a 
 love of justice, and a high sense of professional duty. 
 The glutton, the gambler, and the drunkard are not 
 liable to possess these qualities, or engage in such a 
 task to any extent. It is the bookworm who neglects 
 the feast and the pursuit of the butterflies of sensual 
 pleasure who is most hkely to do this duty. 
 
 When the lawyer has gathered his stock of infor- 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 11 
 
 mation he must act in a quasi-judicial capacity, and 
 decide for his client what are his legal rights. In 
 performing this function he has a mote difficult task 
 than the occupant of the bench, for he has not the 
 advantage of hearing the questions discussed before 
 him by trained advocates. Also he is quite likely to 
 feel the deep interest which his client has in the con- 
 troversy and partake of his desire to win, and thus 
 possess a bias which clouds his judgment. He also 
 has another task in forming a judgment which the 
 judge does not have. After he has determined what 
 is legal justice, he must decide upon the probability 
 of being able to obtain it. A lawsuit is expensive 
 and troublesome to the client even if he wins; and if 
 he loses it is often a besom of destruction which may 
 ruin him financially and fiU. his soul with sad regrets. 
 It is therefore very important that the lawyer should 
 advise his client accurately as to the probability of 
 success, for if he guides him into an unsuccessful 
 suit he may be acquitted of moral blame, but he must 
 stand convicted of having erred in his judgment. 
 
 Having decided that his chent has legal rights and 
 that they probably can be obtained, the counsel must 
 become an advocate, muster his forces, go before the 
 court and fight to obtain these rights. The combat 
 which he thus enters is often the fiercest of intellectual 
 struggles. There is probably no contest where a 
 larger number of mental faculties are called into use 
 
12 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 than in the conduct of a strongly contested lawsuit. 
 Let me refer to a few of these: 
 
 The first in importance is the memory. The ad- 
 vocate should be able to carry in mind all the details 
 of his own forces, including the peculiar characteris- 
 tics of his own client and witnesses and the exact 
 facts that can be proven by their testimony, together 
 with the plan which he has formed for the presenta- 
 tion of his evidence and legal authorities. He must 
 have his proofs so arranged and in hand that he can 
 present them with the greatest celerity, when neces- 
 sary to strengthen his own position or weaken that of 
 his adversary. He must set down in memory aU that 
 is said on his own side, all that is testified by his own 
 witnesses and all that is presented by his adversary, 
 so that he can quickly use this knowledge in forming 
 a judgment as to the course to be pursued as the case 
 proceeds. No lawyer ever had too good a memory, 
 and one who can recollect accurately everjfthing that 
 occurs in the suit has one of the strongest weapons. 
 
 Next to memory is the power of perception. To 
 be able to perceive quickly everything as soon as it 
 happens, in precisely the way it happens, is a great 
 faculty and of much use to the lawyer. It will also 
 aid him greatly if he is able to perceive what things 
 are about to happen or are likely to happen before 
 they have actually occurred. This gives him more 
 time to meet and parry the thrusts of his adversary. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 13 
 
 Akin to perception is a sort of intuitive judgment 
 of human nature, which he should have to enable 
 him to sense the feelings of the witnesses, the judge, 
 and the jury, and their tendencies, and thus avoid 
 those things likely to produce prejudice or confusion, 
 and to choose a method calculated to inspire confi- 
 dence and a favorable consideration. 
 
 The faculty of speech is also important. It is well 
 if the lawyer can express his views clearly, pleasantly, 
 forcefully, fluently, naturally, and without affectation, 
 in such a manner as to carry conviction. His man- 
 ner, appearance, and entire conduct and bearing 
 should be such as to win respect for his learning and 
 integrity. 
 
 Courage is also demanded. If all due preparation 
 has been made and everything which human foresight 
 is able to suggest has been provided, the lawyer will 
 still be subject to startling surprises. He will be 
 disappointed by the weakness of his own forces and 
 the strength of his adversary's; by the view which 
 the Court takes of questions of law; by the mistakes 
 and lapses of memory and stumbling of his witnesses, 
 and by many other unexpected events beyond his 
 control. To endure this calmly requires a steady 
 nerve and an unflinching determination, and where 
 finally, as often happens, his weU-laid plans, patient 
 industry, and vigilant advocacy all terminate in de- 
 feat, and he must listen to the lament of his client and 
 
14 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 his client's family, and hear the cackling and crowing 
 of the other side, and the numerous reasons why he 
 was beaten, he certainly needs the strongest fiber of 
 moral courage to remain undaimted and be able, 
 without bias, fear, or false visions, to decide whether 
 he will appeal the case to another tribunal or submit 
 to the result If he decides to proceed further he 
 should still retain undiminished to the end of the case 
 that unflagging zeal which he had at its inception, and 
 a firm faith that if he does his best somehow and 
 somewhere the right will surely prevail. Those de- 
 mented by age, or enfeebled by disease are hardly 
 capable of such a task. The sluggard, the sportsman, 
 the politician, and the inebriate wiU never seriously 
 attempt it. To be a real lawyer, capable and thor- 
 ough, leaves but small room for sidesteppings. 
 
 That the lawyer seldom possesses all the faculties 
 above referred to, fully developed, we must all admit. 
 That there is wide room for improvement in the pro- 
 fession all concede. To point out some of the many 
 shortcomings ought to be beneficial to the profession 
 and public generally, and this I will now attempt. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 Verbosity 
 
 'TpHE notion prevails that a lawyer should be a 
 fluent talker, that he should have the "gift of 
 gab." A ready and terse utterance is certainly de- 
 sirable, but it frequently happens this talent is devel- 
 oped to such excess as to become a source of weak- 
 ness. A law of physics applies here. The force 
 which can be expended in any given time is limited 
 and that portion exerted in one act cannot be retained 
 for another. There may be some who have such a 
 superabundance of physical and mental energy as to 
 be capable of a large variety of actions at the same 
 time and be able to continue such actions for many 
 hours without repose, but I have no such person in 
 mind. All excessive talkers known to me have 
 slighted their tasks and could not be safely relied 
 upon to do work requiring much skill and accuracy 
 in its execution. All voluntary motions of the mind 
 and body require attention, and the expense of force, 
 and force expended is lost. This applies with great 
 emphasis to the practice of the law. 
 
 Colonel Bombast 
 Colonel Bombast was a verbose lawyer. From 
 youth he had shown such fluency of utterance, took 
 15 
 
16 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 such delight in talking, became so zealous and en- 
 thusiastic while thus engaged, had such a vocabulary 
 of words on the end of his tongue, was so ready with 
 illustrations, quotations, and epigrammatic expressions, 
 that every one who knew him prophesied for him a 
 great career. At sociables, clubs, and many public 
 and private gatherings he was the center of an admir- 
 ing throng, where he stood or sat with his thumbs in 
 his vest holes and with his head thrown back, shaking 
 vigorously, as he poured forth a perpetual torrent of 
 words. At banquets, celebrations, receptions, or 
 other public occasions where there was a program or 
 an address of welcome, a toast or eulogy, he was in 
 demand. AH who heard him wondered at the ex- 
 uberance of his metaphors, the brilliancy of his wit, 
 and the extent of his vocabulary. He was called 
 "silver-tongued," "golden-throated," "the modern 
 Demosthenes," and other appellations of a similar 
 import. The slightest suggestion was sufficient to 
 excite in his mind the most gorgeous images. If a 
 drop of water were mentioned he thought of all forms 
 of water from the roaring ocean to the rolling thunder 
 cloud, from the ice rattling in the glass to the iceberg 
 floating in the polar sea, from the dropping tear to the 
 raging Niagara. If a wing was mentioned there 
 flitted before his mind all kinds of winged creatures 
 from the microscopic insect to the largest bird. The 
 word flower opened up before his mind's eye in pano- 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 17 
 
 ramie splendor every blossom that he had ever beheld. 
 Nor was this all. His nimble fancy collected the 
 component parts of all things of which he had seen, 
 read, or heard, and formed new images of things 
 which had never existed. The thought of a bug sug- 
 gested to him a bug as large as an elephant; a grain of 
 gold, a gold mountain; a small diamond, a great 
 planet composed of the same substance. The bright 
 places of the heavens were radiant with myriads of 
 angels, and the dark spots of earth inhabited by 
 frightful demons. The visions that thus came troop- 
 ing before his mind often had little or no connection 
 with each other. He soon lost the subject under dis- 
 cussion, and no one could predict from his beginning 
 where he would end. 
 
 Those who met him for the first time found him 
 very delightful, but after an extended acquaintance 
 his excessive mouthings became so irksome that it is 
 said even his wife took refuge in "solitaire" to avoid 
 conversing with him, and his friends often crossed the 
 street to escape meeting him. There is a limit to 
 human knowledge, and usually a narrow limit to the 
 knowledge of great talkers. They can only keep 
 their vocal organs in operation by repetitions, and 
 when one has heard their stock of ideas he loses inter- 
 est. So it was with Colonel Bombast. If you sug- 
 gested that it was a pleasant day he would forthwith 
 begin a disquisition upon the weather, carry you 
 
18 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 all over the world, and tell you over and over again 
 the eminent people with whom he had an intimate 
 association and connect them with the subject by 
 telling what he had said to them and they had said to 
 him about the weather. If you gave him time he 
 would weave in all the history of his life, the great 
 speeches he had made and those he was about to 
 make. 
 
 When he was admitted to the bai many prophesied 
 that he would become a great lawyer. Did they ex- 
 pect such a genius would examine critically the tech- 
 nicalities of the law and search among the roots of 
 its doctrines to become familiar with their obsciure 
 origins, that he would deny himself the pleasure of 
 talking to commxme with the statutes and constitu- 
 tions of his state and his nation, and the efforts that 
 have been made from time to time by the courts to 
 construe them? Would he be likely to scurry out at 
 night to unfrequented localities, visit the hovels of 
 wretchedness and interview their miserable occupants 
 for the purpose of getting evidence to be used in a 
 suit? Would he explore scientific books for the mean- 
 ing of terms and procure the latest information rela- 
 tive to matters in a legal controversy? On the con- 
 trary, would he not set his sails to catch the sweetest 
 zephyrs, and steer his easy sailing bark over the 
 gentlest waters? And so he did. The ignorant pub- 
 lic attracted by his mellifluous utterances trusted him 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 19 
 
 with their cases. He assured them in boastful phrases 
 that they were sure to win, and they believed him 
 imtil, finally, as was usually the case, they met with 
 disaster. Then he accounted for the result by charg- 
 ing the judge and jury with imbecility or corruption. 
 Occasionally, however, he won, and when he did he 
 advertised the fact, exaggerated the importance of the 
 victory, and thus spread the impression that he was 
 a successful lawyer. 
 
 Many people and some that have much money are 
 easily induced to buy a gold brick, and such judge of 
 a lawyer by his bloviating assurances and the amount 
 of noise he can stir up in the community. And so 
 Colonel Bombast never lacked patronage. His ad- 
 dresses abounded in the usual stock illustrations com- 
 mon to excessive talkers. In a speech delivered in 
 defence of a tramp who had stolen a handsled, he 
 referred to the Fall of Rome, the Goddess of Liberty, 
 Christ before Pilate, a storm at sea, and the burning 
 of Servetus by John Calvin. He spoke of "God's 
 green earth" many times, often appealed to the jury 
 in the name of heaven, and wound up with the "Ser- 
 mon on the Mount." He used the same references in 
 a speech to recover damages from a butcher for selling 
 tainted meat. In this address he began with the 
 "Sermon on the Mount" and finished with the "Fall 
 of Rome," which fall he attributed to the degener- 
 ation caused by tainted meat. Likewise, when de- 
 
20 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 fending a corporation for tapping a water pipe and 
 stealing water from the city, he indulged in the same 
 startling illustrations and closed with Christ's for- 
 giveness of the erring woman as a reason why the 
 jury should be merciful to the purloiner of the city 
 water. These few well-known subjects of rhetoric 
 were usually woven into his addresses, but were of 
 course treated with variations and clothed at times with 
 slightly different words, but in speeches of consider- 
 able length he generally managed to make them fit 
 and do effective duty. He was also addicted to allit- 
 eration. On one occasion while striving to exalt the 
 credibility of one of his witnesses in comparison with 
 the witness of his adversary he said : 
 
 "The dull, dumb-headed dunce who testified on the 
 opposite side can no more be compared with my 
 intelligent witness than the puny pinhead of a Pawnee 
 chief with the ponderous pate of a Roman emperor, 
 or the faint flickerings of the firefly with the scorching 
 scintillations of the summer sun." 
 
 When trying to humble the pride of a certain indi- 
 vidual, he said: 
 
 "Gentlemen of the Jury, who is this addlepated 
 ass with the ossified spine? I can tell you. When I 
 came to this country he was tramping jimson weeds 
 and pulling cockleburrs from his whiskers. He was 
 then as poor as dishwater, and the wind whistled 
 mournfully through his breeches. Then he was as 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 21 
 
 meek as Moses and glad to fleece the stones for forage 
 and be decent. Now look at him. Because an in- 
 scrutable Providence has removed him thirty days 
 from the poor house, he struts like a turkeycock with 
 the rickets, and assumes to give orders to God Al- 
 mighty." 
 
 His grandiloquent periods sometimes became ill- 
 placed. On one occasion he defended a railroad 
 company for killing a farmer's cow. The farmer's 
 lawyer offered the rules of the railroad to show that 
 the train when it struck the cow was exceeding the 
 speed provided in these rules. The Colonel arose 
 with his usual magnificent air and after several caress- 
 ing twists of the portentious blue-black mustache that 
 clouded a large part of his countenance he treated 
 the court to the following: 
 
 "Your Honor, the defendant objects. It, sir, has 
 been a question from time immemorial down to the 
 present day with our wisest sages as to whether the 
 Almighty Ruler of the Universe has endowed dumb 
 brutes with capacity to reason. The matchless minds 
 of ancient Athens pondered in vain over this perplex- 
 ing problem. The intellectual giants of the middle 
 ages tumbled into their tombs and left it still unsolved, 
 and I believe, sir, it is an unsettled question yet. The 
 rules and regulations of the railroad could not benefit 
 this cow, for, sir, it has not yet been shown that she 
 could read and understand these regulations." 
 
22 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 In the trial of his cases the Colonel was a terror to 
 both court and jury, and it frequently happened he 
 talked a good case to defeat. The human tongue is 
 a nice instrument which to be used effectively must 
 be handled with care. Every idle word is a waste. 
 The person who must do much talking must devote 
 much time to reading and reflection, or his speeches 
 will become stale and tiresome. This applies with 
 great force to the practice of law. 
 
 The common blatherskite may sit on a drygoods 
 box on the sunny side of a country store or wear out 
 an arm chair in a hotel lobby and talk fluently relative 
 to what the law ought to be and assume to know much 
 about what the law really is, but the lawyer must 
 examine statutes and constitutions and read exten- 
 sively from reported cases before he is able to speak 
 above a whisper on the subject, and then his words 
 are Hkely to be very precise and guarded. The gen- 
 eral public should beware of the verbose lawyer who, 
 like an overloaded bag of wind, is perpetually blurting 
 out opinions upon every question. The man who 
 finds his chief delight in listening to his own voice 
 should seek some other occupation where the rights, 
 liberties, and estates of mankind are not put in such 
 jeopardy as they are when intrusted to the victim of 
 this peculiar vice. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 Sociability 
 
 pXTENSIVE reading is required to leam the law 
 and keep informed of its frequent changes. 
 Much study and reflection are necessary in planning 
 for legal contests. These require seclusion and the 
 shutting out of the diverting and enticing influences 
 of society. The young man who has no taste for 
 solitude and is unhappy when not enjoying the society 
 of his fellows should not undertake the duties of this 
 profession. In the country it may be easier to obtain 
 and endure solitude, but in the cities the opportuni- 
 ties for entertainment and the allurements of pleasure 
 are so numerous it is very difficult for one who craves 
 such luxuries to suffer the self-denial. The number 
 of those who have failed to do this is so great and the 
 need of it so apparent that illustration is hardly 
 necessary. But I will introduie 
 
 Bn-LIE GOODFELLOW 
 
 He was one of the brightest and best mixers. In 
 
 his youth it was "Hurrah, boys," to the apple orchard, 
 
 the melon patch, or the swimming hole. When any 
 
 scheme of pleasure was proposed he was ready to 
 
 23 
 
24 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 take part. As he grew up he learned all the social 
 games, took an eager interest in all sports and found 
 time to go with everybody. He was always in great 
 demand. He could mingle with any grade of inteEi- 
 gence, fellowship with any moral status, and accom- 
 modate himself as easily as water to any strata. The 
 servant girl, the bootblack, or the society queen, all 
 were Billie's friends and liked to entertain him and 
 be entertained by him. He was at home at a labor 
 picnic, a church fair, a political or ministerial associa- 
 tion. He was as popular in a Simday school class as 
 in a saloon. Wherever he went he became the center 
 around which the delighted multitude clustered like 
 swarming bees. He was most happy when those 
 around him were most hilarious and frivolous. His 
 presence was a perpetual fountain of joy. His face 
 was rosy with bounding blood, his body short and 
 fat. His hair curly and his brown eyes twinkled with 
 merriment. The corners of his mouth turned up 
 like a god of mirth's, and his countenance beamed 
 with ecstatic delight while luxuriating in the society 
 of his friends. He seemed designed by nature to call 
 mankind from their cares and sorrows and invite them 
 to come with him to the feast and pleasure grounds. 
 Originally Billie had inherited some money, but he 
 parted with it easily, and after it was gone his gay life 
 was maintained by foraging upon his friends. When 
 he had anything he could lend, any one could borrow 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 25 
 
 it, and thus he became a kind of middleman, borrow- 
 ing from the rich and lending to the poor. He had 
 no prejudice against paying his debts, and perhaps 
 did so when he found it convenient, but ordinarily it 
 was not. No one can accommodate himself to all 
 classes without being a neat and graceful liar and an 
 expert peddler of false promises. In this particular 
 Billie had talent. It was as natural for him to deceive 
 as it is for the httle potato bug when approached to 
 curl in its legs, roll onto its back and pretend to be 
 dead. It was a real pleasure to hear him lie. He 
 did it in such a sincere and sanctimonious manner, 
 and when caught at it smiled so sweetly and slid out 
 of it so smoothly that no one was jarred by discovering 
 the prevarication. 
 
 Men of his character often try to entertain by sallies 
 of wit, smart retorts, and the telling of funny stories. 
 This is a precarious method, for wit loses its edge 
 when much employed, and funny stories seem ridicu- 
 lous to many. BiUie chose a more direct method 
 of amusing people. He was an appreciative listener, 
 laughed heartily at the jokes of others, bestowed praise 
 at every opportunity, and inspired those about him 
 to an exalted opinion of themselves. He was like a 
 glass into which they could look and see their images 
 glorified. Many were grateful for this service and felt 
 a warm friendship for him. They forgave his peculiar 
 financial habits and neglect of truth, and were pleased 
 
26 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 to strew flowers in his path wherever he went. His 
 charming manners assisted in obtaining credit and 
 in beating his creditors. He was indebted to a tailor 
 for a suit of clothes and had so often ignored his re- 
 quest for pa)Tnent that the tailor's patience became 
 exhausted and he gave the claim to a collection law- 
 yer. This collection lawyer called at Billie's office 
 to demand payment. When he came in Billie grasped 
 him by the hand cordially, expressed great delight in 
 seeing him, gave him a good cigar and a glass of wine, 
 offered him the use of his library and the freedom of 
 his office, treated the visit as a friendly call and 
 chided him for not sooner calling, and expressed a 
 wish to render the collector all assistance in his power 
 for advancement in the legal profession. He also 
 introduced him to his associates and others in his 
 office. He entertained the collector so royally that 
 he left without presenting the bill and returned it to 
 the tailor, stating that he did not wish to take the case. 
 The disgusted tailor then grabbed the bill, and with- 
 out waiting to put on his coat started for Billie's 
 office. There he learned Billie had gone home. With 
 zeal still unabated he went straightway to Billie's 
 residence, determined to make his recreant debtor 
 discharge his obligation. Billie met him at the door 
 with an appearance of great delight, ushered him into 
 his luxurious parlor, introduced him to his charming 
 wife and daughter and insisted upon his drinking a 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 27 
 
 glass of wine and staying to supper. He sent out 
 for some of his neighbors to come in and provided 
 the tailor with a coat to wear at the impromptu 
 reception. He commended the tailor very highly as 
 a gentleman and a scholar, and treated him with such 
 affectionate regard that it seemed out of place for the 
 tailor to mention the claim that he had come to col- 
 lect, and he left without asking for his account but 
 not until BiUie had succeeded in getting a temporary 
 loan from him of fifteen dollars. 
 
 Such a man as Billie Goodfellow rarely finds time 
 to learn the indices to a law library, and how he got 
 his license no one knew. It is probable that the 
 favorable breeze that had fanned him in other pur- 
 suits filled his sails and gave his light bark an easy 
 sailing into the legal harbor. Occasionally he won 
 a case. Courts and juries sometimes warped the law 
 and construed the evidence in favor of his client so 
 as to give Billie the victory. Sometimes the opposing 
 counsel settled with Billie out of a desire to aid him. 
 He was able by his peculiar, ingenious methods to 
 wiggle many persons out of difficulty. A man was in- 
 dicted in five counts charged with forging five checks. 
 He fijst employed a skilled technical lawyer. After a 
 long and unsuccessful legal battle over the form and 
 sufficiency of the indictment, this lawyer, having no 
 doubt of the prisoner's guilt, gave up the case as hope- 
 less. Then the accused sent for Billie. Billie learned 
 
28 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 that the prisoner had a handsome wife and a young 
 baby. These he took to the prosecuting attorney and 
 finally persuaded that official to accept a plea of guilty 
 on one charge of forgery and dismiss the others. He 
 then took the wife and baby to the Judge who was to 
 pronounce the sentence, and worked on his feelings. 
 The judge might have sentenced the prisoner to the 
 penitentiary for ten years, but he fixed the term at 
 six months. Billie then visited the sheriff with these 
 two objects of sympathy, and this official agreed to 
 delay taking the culprit to the penitentiary for two 
 days. Billie then took his aids to the office of a 
 friendly physician and had him visit the prisoner 
 and make affidavit that he found him afflicted with 
 "Bright's Disease," and that incarceration in the peni- 
 tentiary would probably hasten his death. With this 
 affidavit and the wife and baby Billie went to his 
 friend the Governor and made such a moving plea 
 that his excellency granted a pardon and the prisoner 
 was freed. 
 
 A large, healthy-looking woman who had two small 
 children was arrested for selling liquor in violation of 
 law. Ten different offences were charged against 
 her. She employed a lawyer who was a noted orator 
 to try her first case. She came into court dressed in 
 a sealskin cloak, with her fingers and ears ornamented 
 with gems. She was painted and powdered, and 
 looked like the "woman of Babylon." All that the 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 29 
 
 orator could say did not save her. A jury of pro- 
 noimced prohibitionists gathered by the constable for 
 the purpose promptly convicted her, and she appealed 
 the case. This orator considered it useless to try the 
 other cases, and asked to be released from the task. 
 Then Billie was employed. He got a continuance of 
 the case, told the woman to move out to a sub- 
 urb of the city, rent a shanty and put out a sign, 
 "Washing Done Here," and when she came to court 
 to appear as a washerwoman, unvarnished and 
 dressed in clean but plain apparel, and bring her 
 children with her. This she did. The prosecution 
 proved that she had sold a glass of liquor to a decoy 
 sent out by the Temperance Society. The jury were 
 prohibitionists selected from the crank row, but they 
 were good men who were impressed by the honest 
 and poverty-stricken appearance of this mother and 
 her innocent little children clinging to her. Billie 's 
 speech was short. He merely said : "My dear friends, 
 I do not think our noble cause of temperance will be 
 benefited by taking these children from their mother 
 and thrusting her into prison where she can earn no 
 money to support them. But I leave the matter to 
 you with the imderstanding that if you convict her 
 you and my friend the prosecuting attorney will join 
 me in making up a purse to support these poor chil- 
 dren while their mother languishes in prison." The 
 children and mother both began crying, the prose- 
 
30 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 cuting attorney made no answer, and the jury retired 
 and returned with a verdict of "Not guiUy," and the 
 other cases against her were dismissed. 
 
 A man, very offensive, who had just returned from 
 serving a term in the penitentiary, was indicted on the 
 complaint of a bright little girl of twelve years for a 
 criminal assault upon her. The public indignation 
 was so great against the prisoner that there was 
 danger of lynching, and he had difficulty to get any 
 attorney to undertake his defence. Finally he con- 
 vinced Billie that he was innocent and that the child 
 had been induced by her parents, who were his ene- 
 mies, to make this infamous charge. By offering 
 prizes for new pupils, Billie succeeded in getting the 
 little girl to become a member of his Sunday school 
 class, and when the case came on for trial an enormous 
 crowd, eager for the punishment of the accused, were 
 treated to a surprise. The child was put upon the 
 witness stand and questioned by the prosecuting 
 attorney, and, to the astonishment of all but Billie, 
 she contradicted her story before the grand jury and 
 swore that the defendant was innocent, and the court 
 ordered his acquittal. 
 
 In another case a man was indicted for horse steal- 
 ing. His guilt was evident, but he was poor and had 
 a large family, and Billie undertook his defence. He 
 ascertained that the thief had a sister who was a 
 soldier's widow and lived in a little cottage on a small 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR ' 31 
 
 farm which her husband had left her. He got one of 
 his friends, who was called a bail shark, to go on the 
 bail bond of the accused and take as security a mort- 
 gage on the widow's homestead. Then when the 
 thief was out of jail he disappeared and could not be 
 found, the bail shark was about to settle the bond 
 and foreclose his mortgage, and thus the widow would 
 be made homeless. Billie saw some old soldier 
 friends of his and they brought the matter to the 
 attention of the Grand Army of the Republic, and 
 this association, to save the widow's homestead, in- 
 fluenced the Governor to remit the forfeiture of the 
 bond. 
 
 Many similar instances could be related showing 
 the methods by which Billie's clients often profited 
 by his services, but none will contend he was a real 
 lawyer. He was incompetent to advise on any ab- 
 struse law point or to make an argument on any 
 difficult legal question. While he might sometimes 
 cause Justice to break her sword, he rarely rendered 
 the blind goddess any assistance in solving her diffi- 
 cult problems. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 The Literary Lawyer 
 
 TV^EMBERS of the legal profession are often enam- 
 ored by the charms of literature. The student 
 is early exposed to fascinating books, and those which 
 give him the most pleasure ordinarily receive the most 
 attention. There may be youths who yearn for scien- 
 tific facts and statistics and take intense delight in 
 searching for the actual and the positive, but their 
 minds usually prefer the highly colored exaggerations 
 of fancy to the real facts of everyday life and the 
 tested truths of science. It has never been consid' 
 ered vicious to indulge a taste for literature, and 
 many members of the legal profession have taken 
 pride in their excellence in this respect. 
 
 Reginald Writer 
 is presented as a type of the literary lawyer. He had 
 fine red hair, a full freckled face, was small in stature 
 and neatly constructed. He allowed his shining locks 
 to grow long, pass in graceful waves over his noble 
 brow, and behind his small ears, and then fall upon 
 his bronzed neck. He had no filthy habits; took no 
 interest in sports or games of chance; considered 
 ordinary society stupid, and sought only the company 
 32 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 33 
 
 of the refined and literary. These were usually the 
 delicate sex. He could recite many pages from works 
 of famous English poets and quote liberally from 
 poets in other languages. He could recall verses 
 appropriate to any subject suggested. He was hap- 
 piest when surrounded by admiring friends who were 
 listening and commenting on his exquisite taste and 
 marvelous memory. Nor was he content with quo- 
 tations. He spent many days and nights in framing, 
 smoothing out, and stringing together effusions of his 
 own. By unusual words linked with classic references 
 he expressed the usual feelings that animated him 
 and read these to his pretended admirers, who would 
 listen and try to look pleased. But poetry was not 
 his only ambition. He became familiar with the 
 most prominent fiction writers, ancient and modern. 
 He obtained and read the latest novels by the best 
 authors, determined that no one should speak of a 
 new book in his presence and compel him to be dumb. 
 His eyelids were often red with excessive reading, and 
 a hacking cough told of weak lungs acquired in the 
 same way. His mind collected and stored away the 
 cream of all he read, and he could quickly present a 
 delicious mixture on any subject whenever he desired. 
 Consequently his society was eagerly sought for, and 
 wherever he appeared multitudes gathered to enjoy 
 the delightful droppings from his tongue. But liter- 
 ature was not his profession. He offered his services 
 
34 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 to the public as a lawyer. He had a beautiful oflSce. 
 Its walls were ornamented with portraits. Its niches 
 were made attractive by busts. But they were not 
 portraits or busts of prominent lawyers. Richly- 
 carved bookcases contained many splendidly bound 
 books, but they were not statutes or treatises upon 
 law. His speeches in court were models of rhetoric, 
 but they were not encumbered with citations from 
 legal treatises or reports. When his case terminated 
 unfavorably his description of the stupidity and de- 
 pravity of the judge and jury was in elegant diction. 
 It was a pleasure to hear his clear, sweet voice and bril- 
 liant sentences either when talking to the court or jury 
 or in talking about them. All conceded that Regi- 
 nald was a rare gentleman and a scholar, who added 
 grace and dignity to his profession. Few stopped to 
 inquire what proportion of his cases ended disas- 
 trously, or to note that in the learning of his profession 
 he was in fact an ignoramus. Charmed by his man- 
 ners and his eloquence, his clients were unable to see 
 why they were not wise in selecting him as their law- 
 yer. Thus upon the altar of literary excellence the 
 rights of many were sacrificed. 
 
 The literary lawyer is sometimes required to speak 
 on a theme not adapted to the delicate tracery of his 
 style. Then his liquid lines appear grotesque. As 
 an illustration take Reginald's great speech in the 
 "Scratch Case." 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 35 
 
 Miss Mehitable Scratch was a maiden lady who 
 had an inordinate love for a bull pug. To provide milk 
 for her dear dog it was claimed that she infracted "the 
 statutes in such cases made and provided" by clan- 
 destinely catching and milking a nannie goat belong- 
 ing to Zabriskie Slobelobsky. The owner of the goat 
 had her arrested for stealing milk, and Reginald was 
 employed to defend her. His speech cannot be in- 
 serted in full, and these extracts give an inadequate 
 idea of its excellence: 
 
 "The saffron morn," he said, "o'erspread the orient 
 with rosy blushes when this tender maid tripped 
 forth on her loving errand. Her light and gentle foot 
 scarcely brushed the dew that bejeweled the verdant 
 lawn as she flew like a matin bird to the home of this 
 solitary goat. Little recked she that this benevolent 
 animal, with udders swelling with the nourishing 
 nectar, had an owner, with heart so flinty and soul so 
 sordid, as to deny to her beloved canine the juice so 
 necessary to its life. Had she so opined she might have 
 chosen instead midnight's dun and dreadful hour, 
 when the depraved Slobelobsky was enchained in 
 rancid dreams and her visit would have been hid in 
 sweet oblivion. But love, unselfish, overwhelming 
 love, that bursts the bud of every noble purpose, so 
 filled her with its thrill that she thought only of her 
 cherished pet, her faithful, mild-eyed, ever-constant 
 pug, whose thirsty throat was parching for the milk 
 
36 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 this whiskered goat so readily could yield. Mean- 
 while, this Slobelobsky lay in wait, guarding his goat 
 with jealous eye, deaf to the hungry whinings of the 
 noble pug, hoarding its milk as misers do their gold, 
 perceived her soft approach, and ere she had drawn 
 forth a dozen drops, thwarted her holy purpose, 
 nabbed her, and dragged her from his goat, and now 
 seeks her undoing. Thinks he a jury have no hearts 
 to feel the dint of pity, that they are blind to maiden's 
 modest love? This pug was all she had to call her 
 own. Her heart's pure love was centered on her 
 pug. The pangs of hunger that he felt pierced to her 
 inmost soul. Her nightly prayers to heaven were for 
 her pet — that every breeze should fan him lightly, 
 and bathe him in the balm of many blossoms. Could 
 she see Slobelobsky's goat o'ercharged with milk, 
 until its creamy fluid dripped useless on the ground, 
 and take no steps to slake her famished pug? Oh, 
 ye immortal gods! It was not possible. True, Slob- 
 elobsky owned the goat, and, technically, could claim 
 its milk, but what are barren technicalities when 
 fencing 'gainst the pangs of hunger? Mere webs of 
 gossamer that float upon the summer air. 'Twas 
 said by Avon's mighty bard; 'The quality of mercy 
 is not strained, it droppeth like the gentle dew from 
 heaven upon the place beneath' — "etc. 
 
 Then proceeding to the end with the familiar 
 quotation he closed with a piteous plea for mercy for 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 37 
 
 the fond Mehitabel. His opponent was not an orator. 
 He merely suggested that this light footed maiden, 
 should not be so light fingered. That she should 
 love justice more and pug dogs less and not rob 
 Slobelobsky's children of their needed milk to make 
 wrinkles on this wall-eyed lump of lazy fat. He 
 admitted that the quality of mercy was not strained, 
 and neither was the goat's milk. But it did not 
 drop like the gentle dew from heaven but was ex- 
 tracted from the fodder Slobelobsky's hands had 
 provided. No amount of misdirected affection for 
 this bunch of adipose tissue was an excuse for steal- 
 ing milk. 
 
 The misguided maiden was convicted but her 
 sentence was light. 
 
 It was usually on such flights of rhetoric that 
 Reginald relied and sometimes they were effective 
 but usually they were avoided by points of law which 
 he was not prepared to discuss or did not understand. 
 The time was when law books were so few and legal 
 principles so scant and unsettled that a lawyer could 
 successfully devote a great part of his time to general 
 reading and achieve the highest success at the bar. 
 But now so great has become the number of estab- 
 lished legal principles and so numerous the decisions 
 that qualify them, so varied and complex the statutes 
 and ordinances that relate to them and so technical 
 the rules of practice, that an extensive knowledge 
 
38 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 of law books is indispensable. There is also an ever 
 increasing domain of scientific knowledge, which is 
 intimately connected with the facts involved in most 
 lawsuits. Success depends more upon close examina- 
 tion and an accurate perception of facts and legal 
 principles than upon feelings and fancies. The 
 lawyer who now devotes much time to far-fetched 
 works of the imagination is likely to be but poorly 
 equipped for his task. He may to some extent revel 
 in the delights of literatiu"e and yet do satisfactory 
 legal work, but he must not drift too far from shore or 
 fly too high above the solid ground. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 The Desire for Office 
 
 pROB ABLY every male citizen of the United States 
 has felt at some time a desire to occupy an official 
 position. To hold office is believed to be glorious 
 despite the fact that nothing is added to the character 
 or quahty of the individual thereby. So weU nigh 
 universal is this behef that no office however meager 
 its functions, is without a charm that attracts many 
 competing candidates. Even the opportimity to 
 guard the outside door of a voluntary association is 
 sufficient to attract numerous aspirants and the one 
 elected feels exalted and is exalted in the eyes of his 
 fellows. The notion that an officer is a superior 
 being is a survival of monarchy, wherein the King 
 claimed to be God's anointed, and those who held 
 official positions under him were considered as in- 
 directly selected by Deity on account of their particular 
 fitness to discharge a divine fimction. We reject the 
 doctrine of the Divine right of kings, but we have coined 
 the phrase "The voice of the people is the voice of 
 God" and thus set up a fetich of the same nature. The 
 most desirable position for the individual would seem 
 to be the one where the largest compensation is paid 
 39 
 
40 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 for the least labor, care and responsibility, and where 
 the highest degree of personal liberty is permitted. 
 Most offices are in this respect undesirable; the oc- 
 cupant being the servant of several masters and 
 clothed with heavy responsibilities. The number of 
 such masters and the weight of responsibilities usually 
 increase as the importance of the office increases, 
 so that in the highest offices the occupant has but 
 small time for rest, little liberty of action, scant 
 privacy, and is so loaded with responsibility that he 
 has no peace and his principal enjoyment is that 
 small satisfaction which an ambitious egotist takes 
 in giving orders and in occupying a conspicuous 
 place. But no amount of wisdom is sufficient to 
 protect the average man against this craving for 
 public office, and the lawyer is no exception. From 
 early infancy his ears have been filled with the proph- 
 ecies of doting parents and admiring friends predicting 
 for him the highest places in the country. Many of 
 the books he has read tell of young lawyers who have 
 thus won deathless fame. Every newspaper either 
 directly or indirectly exalts and glorifies persons in 
 official positions. When an occasion has required 
 an orator to address the public some prominent 
 official has usually been selected even though known 
 to be the dullest and weariest of speakers. A tongue- 
 tied public officer has been preferred to a real orator 
 who occupied no official position. When great cases 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 41 
 
 have occurred attracting wide attention and justified 
 the payment of large fees his foolish neighbors have 
 gone far to procure the services of some prominent 
 public official or ex-pubUc official, who has had small 
 learning and less experience in the law and this only 
 as incidents to his political experience, preferring 
 him to the expert lawyer who has never sought or 
 held a public office. These facts turn the heads of 
 ambitious yoimg lawyers in the direction of politics 
 to the injury of the legal profession. 
 
 There was a time in the history of this government, 
 when the domain of knowledge necessary to be covered 
 by members of the bar was not so large as to prevent 
 a concvurent practice of politics. But so greatly 
 has this domain now expanded that an expert lawyer 
 is allowed no time for outside exploits. Meanwhile 
 the practice of politics has become a profession 
 requiring for its successful pursuit all the time and 
 energies of which any person is capable. The 
 poHticiah has no period when he can carefully pursue 
 legal studies or consider legal propositions. The 
 lawyer who tries to practice politics and the politi- 
 cian who attempts to practice law are not likely 
 to meet with any real success in either profession. 
 Such may use the legal profession as a cover for 
 dirty political work, or may use the profession of 
 politics as an excuse for doing corrupt and impro- 
 fessional legal work, and may make money by the 
 
42 FOIBLES OF THE BAB. 
 
 twin devices. The same person will rarely become 
 a thorough politician in the highest sense and an 
 expert and honorable lawyer. Many good persons 
 however have thought otherwise and have faithfully 
 tried to serve the two mistresses. There are different 
 channels by which young lawyers may thus be led 
 astray. Let me here illustrate. — 
 
 Lawrence Lobby 
 
 Lawrence Lobby, was by nature fitted to take 
 high rank in the law. He had a broad, noble brow, 
 large sparkling blue eyes, a Byronic mouth and 
 classical nose; was tall, straight and well propor- 
 tioned, and unusually graceful in his motions. He 
 possessed remarkable fluency in language, a retentive 
 memory and a keen and discriminating intelligence. 
 Many who saw him and heard him speak pronounced 
 him a man that nature had fashioned especially for 
 the law. By energy, economy and close attention to 
 his studies he graduated with honors both in the 
 classical and law departments of one of the best 
 universities and was at once welcomed into a promi- 
 nent law firm where he found a fine library, competent 
 assistants and advisers to aid him, and clients wait- 
 ing to employ his services. The firm which he had 
 entered did a large corporation business and had 
 many clients engaged in interstate commerce. These 
 were often made victims of unfavorable legislation 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 43 
 
 by the State Legislatures and the National Congress 
 and were frequently put in much trepidation by 
 threats of such legislation. It seemed as if these 
 bodies soon after assembling had selected the corpora- 
 tions vulnerable to such assaults and had prepared 
 and referred to committees bills calculated to frighten 
 these corporations into making strenuous efforts to 
 prevent vicious legislation. This made a demand 
 for what is known as a political department and the 
 suavity, grace and fine address, of young Lobby, 
 were soon utilized for the purpose of conducting this 
 pohtical department. It was not long before he 
 found himself mired neck-deep in politics. 
 
 It was his duty to become acquainted with politi- 
 cians and public officers, to organize and manipulate 
 machines, to 'conduct banquets, special excursions 
 and arrange toiurs for the purpose of cultivating the 
 acquaintance and winning the favor of legislators, 
 members of Congress, judges and other officials. 
 He became a distributor of railroad passes, gifts, 
 and other special favors, the chief center of a sphere 
 of influence which covered a wide area. He held 
 many interviews by day and attended many functions 
 at night. He soon got "in the swim," became 
 one of the charmed circle and was conspicuous in the 
 public eye as one of the political darlings of the nation. 
 He was at home in the society of the wealthy and a 
 graceful courtier at the feet of the very rich. He 
 
44 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 indulged in all luxuries, reared his children in an 
 atmosphere of splendor, accumulated much wealth 
 and was widely known. He pretended to be a 
 lawyer and was sometimes employed to act as one 
 in important cases, but his principal services were in 
 the line of politics. The political influence he had 
 thus acquired made him especially valuable in pro- 
 curing and preventing legislation. Take a few 
 samples of his efforts in this respect. 
 
 It was learned that heirs to a large estate were 
 intending to contest the will. The existing law 
 allowed two years after the death of the testator 
 to begin such proceedings. One year had been 
 permitted to elapse without bringing suit, and Law- 
 rence Lobby was employed to defend against the 
 threatened contest. He induced the Legislature to 
 amend the law so as to allow but one year after the 
 death to bring the suit in such a case. Thus the 
 contest was prevented. Another method he employed 
 in defending a suit was to get the Legislature to 
 repeal the law giving the right of action after the suit 
 was begun. His methods of preventing legislation 
 were to induce the member having charge of the bill 
 to delay or withdraw it, or perhaps procure some 
 clerk to steal and secrete it when too late to sub- 
 stitute another. Sometimes he frightened the member 
 urging its passage by getting many of his influential 
 constituents to sign a protest against the bill. Some- 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 45 
 
 times both methods were employed. He was espe- 
 cially useful in getting the allowance of claims by 
 Congress or the State Legislature. These claims 
 were usually apocryphal. Take a few instances: 
 
 Suppose that General Washington, on his way to 
 New York to be inaugurated President of the United 
 States had met with an accident; that his horse had 
 been lamed and he had borrowed one from a farmer 
 and had failed to return it. Suppose the descend- 
 ants of this farmer now make a claim against the 
 United States for the value of this horse and interest 
 thereon. Lawrence Lobby here would be useful. 
 Of course he would claim that the animal was 
 of remarkably rare breed and that his value 
 with interest would amount to many thousand 
 dollars. Or suppose when General Washington 
 was crossing the Delaware to capture the Hessians 
 he had used boats belonging to a Navigation Company 
 and failed to take good care of them and to pay 
 either for the damage done or for the use of the 
 boats. The claim that Lobby would make against 
 the Government with accumulated interest would 
 amount to a colossal sum. Or suppose that when 
 the battle of Bunker HiU was fought, some of the 
 brave Continentals had run over a bean-patch be- 
 longing to a Boston gardener, and the descendants 
 of the owner of this bean-patch had employed Lobby 
 to recover damages, he would certainly have claimed 
 
46 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 that there had been the destruction of the finest collec- 
 tion of green beans that Boston ever knew. The 
 alleged value of the vegetables thus destroyed would 
 be prodigious, and the interest since accumulated 
 thereon amount to enough to make even a billion 
 doUar Congress pause. 
 
 Who would be so unpatriotic as to oppose the 
 payment of such claims? What worthy descendant 
 of our brave sires would dishonor their names by 
 repudiating the obligations they had thus contracted. 
 The Government then so poor, and now gorged 
 with wealth, it would be claimed could well afford to 
 reward with lavish hand the heirs of the original 
 creditors, for the patient waiting of their ancestors. 
 
 The fine features and persuasive voice of Lawrence 
 Lobby were especially useful in refreshing such 
 stale claims. Thus his splendid intellect capable of 
 rendering such valuable service to his country was per- 
 verted into channels for corrupting the public morals 
 and despoiling multitudes of his fellow citizens. He 
 had his day of seeming triiunph but he felt not the 
 satisfaction that comes to an upright and skillful 
 lawyer in the honorable discharge of the duties of 
 his profession. The fawning crowd that profited 
 by aiding him in his nefarious schemes and even his 
 corrupt employers really despised him on account 
 of the character of his services. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 Desire for OFricE, Continued 
 
 Peter Protest 
 
 npAKE another example of a lawyer led astray 
 by politics. 
 Peter Protest was awkward and ungainly in ap- 
 pearance, had stooped shoulders, sunken eyes, 
 beetling eye-brows, high cheek bones, large jointed 
 hands, unusually large feet, a crooked neck, an 
 irregular and slanting mouth, and a dark, bilious 
 complexion. But what nature had denied him in 
 personal charms she had made up to him in mental 
 and spiritual unfoldment. He early evinced a 
 taste for learning. He eschewed all games and 
 resisted the allurements of pleasure. His companions 
 were his books. When he became a man he chose 
 the legal profession and by steady diligence filled 
 his retentive memory with the general principles of 
 jiirisprudence. Without aid from the schools he 
 became able to try with unusual skill such cases as 
 come to a young lawyer. His success rapidly adver- 
 tised his talents. His services were sought by many 
 clients willing to pay liberally and he might have 
 become a great lawyer but for this: Early in life 
 47 
 
48 FOIBLES OP THE BAR 
 
 he had felt the injustice apparent in human society 
 and noted the unequal distribution of the earnings of 
 labor. His kind heart and courageous nature prompted 
 him to strive for a remedy. This is a noble am- 
 bition and when it has once entered the soul it takes 
 such root that all else must yield to its indulgence. 
 Animated by this spirit he entered politics where 
 he championed the cause of the weak and wretched 
 against the prosperous and powerful. He became 
 the leader of an awkward squad, poorly organized, 
 rent with dissensions, full of distress, loaded with 
 grievances, but very numerous and determined to 
 change if possible the social conditions. These 
 were opposed by a host thoroughly organized, well 
 provisioned, proud, self-complacent, strongly en- 
 trenched and provided with the most effective weapons. 
 He was usually defeated in his political efforts but 
 thereby he became more firmly convinced of the 
 justice of his cause, the depravity of his adversaries 
 and the stronger in his determination to sacrifice 
 himself for its benefit. So he tightened up his armor 
 with undiminished zeal for another combat. Yet 
 he sought employment as a lawyer and took cases 
 of the most important character. After he became 
 fully identified with the cause of the oppressed his 
 clients were mostly the poor and he was of course 
 unable to give but slight attention to their matters. 
 His practice covered a wide range and as the poor 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 49 
 
 man's lawyer there came to him a great variety of 
 damage claims to be collected on shares. The noto- 
 riety he had acquired in politics brought to him the 
 halt, the crippled and the feeble-minded of both 
 sexes. He was often made the victim of misplaced 
 confidence. His poverty-stricken clients for whom 
 he had toiled diligently in prosecuting suits frequently 
 settled behind his back and for his share of the 
 fruits gave him the icy stare. The miserable rascals 
 he had worked so hard to defend usually made no 
 effort to pay him and while he was congratulating 
 one of them on his acquittal the culprit stole his 
 watch. He secured the release of a client charged 
 with murder on the ground that he was insane at the 
 time he did the killing. When Protest had to sue 
 on the contract for his pay, the assassin plead insanity 
 to avoid the contract. With much sympathy and 
 zeal he prosecuted a claim for damages made by a 
 woman against a preacher for kissing her and after 
 the case was ended she paid Protest for his services 
 by suing him for a breach of promise. When 
 fifty members of the miner's Committee were ar- 
 rested in mid-winter by a combination of coal 
 companies to suppress a strike, he contributed from 
 his own funds to fill the empty coal boxes and 
 scanty cupboards around which their poor families 
 shivered while husbands and fathers were in jail; 
 he went before the court and by his eloquence secured 
 
50 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 their acquittal, charged nothing and paid his own 
 expenses. The following Autumn when he was running 
 for the Legislature against the attorney who had 
 tried the case against this committee they furnished 
 the votes to defeat Protest, although he was the 
 regular candidate on the labor ticket. In the fumes 
 of liquor purchased for them by his opponent all 
 recollection of obligation to him was quenched. 
 In a city where 50,000 laboring men strained their 
 throats cheering for him as a candidate he got less 
 than 500 votes. While making an earnest plea for 
 justice for the poor before an audience of his constitu- 
 ents one of them stole his overcoat. But these were 
 trifles. He was seldom appreciated by the poor or 
 understood by the rich. The silk tiles and ostrich 
 plumes nodded scornfully and passed by on the other 
 side. The wool hats and straw bonnets treated 
 him with complacent contempt. The champions 
 of vested interests dubbed him a demagogue and the 
 unthinking considered him a crank. But he toiled 
 on cultivating the stony land of self-sacriiice, pierced 
 by the shafts of malice, torn by the briers of ingrati- 
 tude, waiting for scant justice in an epitaph, or a 
 reward in heaven. His ears were filled with cries 
 of distress, his eyes were assailed by spectacles of 
 squalor, above him the threatening heavens lowered 
 tempestuously and about him the ocean of human 
 passions raged furiously. He had no chart, no 
 
F.OIBLES OF THE BAR 51 
 
 compass and no guide, except a pale star seen only 
 by faith through impenetrable clouds, the feeble hope 
 that when he had done his best somehow and some- 
 time justice would come. 
 
 How could a person so situated find time to care- 
 fully prepare for the trial of a lawsuit or the seclusion 
 to analyze cases and observe the nice distinctions made 
 by the courts? Yet he did make the attempt and 
 won some cases; but great were the losses sustained 
 by many of his admirers who employed him to repre- 
 sent them in court. The multitude of his engage- 
 ments caused many delays and continuances and 
 when finally he got a furlough from the pohtical 
 army long enough to try a case he had made no 
 preparation and his mind was in a nebulous condition 
 unfit to undertake the task. The knowledge he 
 acquired by early reading was erased by his political 
 experience and what he had acquired since was by 
 attrition and of the most unreliable character. He 
 often talked with great energy but it was like one lost 
 in a wilderness trying by loud shouting to attract at- 
 tention and succour. He was in constant danger of 
 being entrapped by his adversary and what success 
 he had was attained by main strength and awkward- 
 ness. So frequently was he defeated because of 
 his ignorance of the law and the technical rules of 
 procedure, so often did justice flounder and miscarry 
 because of his inability to guide her, that he lost 
 
52 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 confidence in the courts, became sour, sarcastic and 
 vituperative against the occupants of the bench, 
 acquired a hatred for the successful and could not 
 favorably consider any question arising in litigation. 
 Thus one who might have been a great lawyer be- 
 came a sad, disappointed and unsuccessful politician. 
 There are many other ways by which the lawyer 
 is lured into politics besides the two we have pointed 
 out. His fellow citizens may induce him to accept 
 oflSce in some branch of the government that he may 
 engraft on the statute some special notion entertained 
 by him or he may resort to political work for noto- 
 riety and acquaintance; but through whatever gate 
 he enters if he once gets well into the fray, he will 
 probably never return to the practice of his 
 profession with undivided zeal and consecration. 
 My views on this subject will probably be sharply 
 challenged by the reader. He wiU recall the names 
 of many famous politicians who were lawyers, and 
 ask if the writer does not consider them well qualified 
 as such? My answer is, if there have been any ex- 
 pert politicians who have in fact been fully equipped 
 lawyers, up to date in all the learning of the profession, 
 who have been fully posted in the latest decisions 
 and acts of legislature, the rules of practice and 
 of evidence, then they are exceptions. I do not 
 say that such a union is impossible but only that it is 
 not likely to occur. It is very hazardous for the 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 53 
 
 public to employ a politician for legal work, and the 
 fact that they often do so accounts for much of the 
 lack of success which they have in their legal business. 
 Where private parties engage the services of notorious 
 politicians to conduct important suits they seldom 
 receive the worth of their money. These notorious 
 men exact excessive pay for their services and in 
 most cases contribute no strength to the case, but 
 stir the opposition into greater eSorts, cause the suit to 
 become notorious, put the judge and jury on parade 
 and make the proceeding last a much longer time 
 than it otherwise would. When the public becomes 
 sufficiently discriminating they will no more think 
 of employing a politician to try a lawsuit than to 
 perform a surgical operation or to design a great 
 public work. The ambitious youth should decide 
 which profession he prefers and if he decides to be a 
 lawyer concentrate his entire efforts in that direction. 
 
CHAPTER Vn 
 
 The Business Agent 
 
 T AWYERS are often consulted relative to the con- 
 "^ duct of business enterprises. This practice has 
 grown until a large part of the world's business is 
 directed and controlled by persons who originally 
 started out for a professional career. From counsellors 
 in matters of law the transition is easy to advisers in 
 the conduct of business, and from the latter position the 
 path is direct to a point where the lawyer becomes a 
 mere business agent. By such most of the great estates 
 left in the hands of inexperienced heirs are managed 
 and the great corporations and combinations are 
 formed and directed. The lawyer sometimes in- 
 herits or acquires wealth of his own and embarks 
 in such enterprises on his own account. Persons 
 combining a legal training with the ordinary business 
 capacity and appetite for gain are usually more than 
 a match for competitors who have had no such train- 
 ing, and they often acquire great fortunes. But the 
 effect of this departure is serious upon the profession 
 of the law and upon public morals. The false 
 notion prevails that one who has been once admitted 
 to the bar should be reckoned as a lawyer as long as 
 he lives and aU the high crimes, misdemeanors, 
 54 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 55 
 
 trickery and fraudulent practices indulged in by 
 these business agents are charged to the legal pro- 
 fession. These vampires of greed are merely prosti- 
 tuting their little knowledge of the law for fraudulent 
 purposes. They are not in any sense real lawyers 
 and their depredations should not be charged to the 
 profession. The lawyer should care more for knowl- 
 edge and skill in his profession than for wealth. 
 His clients will cheerfully provide him with all the 
 money he requires in the habits of life fitted to his 
 career. An intelligent management of his affairs 
 wiU free him from financial entanglements and he 
 need not seek wealth for wealth's sake. He should 
 have ever before his mind the image of legal justice and 
 his dearest quest should be to ascertain the exact facts 
 and the precise law necessary to obtain it. But aU. those 
 who practice law do not entertain such exalted ideas. 
 Many have so conducted themselves as to merit the 
 gibe contained in the story told of a highwayman, 
 whose victim remained silent while being deprived 
 of all his clothing but when the Knight of the road 
 began to tear off his porous plaster he inquired 
 where the robber had learned to practice law. 
 Let me show the genesis of this brand of lawyers. 
 
 Handy Skinner 
 
 Handy Skinner's father was a horse trader. His 
 mother kept a grocery store. He early exhibited 
 
56 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 the trading instinct. One of his first questions when 
 he met you was "Have you anything to trade?" 
 He was anxious at all times to trade anything or 
 everything which he possessed for something that 
 you possessed, provided of course that he could 
 get the best of the bargain. His small, sharp, brown 
 eyes, thin face, hawk nose, and pointed chin, gave 
 him a shrewd appearance. His motions were 
 catlike. He was always pumping for information and 
 imparting none himself, except such as would be to 
 his personal advantage or aid him in the deal that 
 he was conducting. It was reported that he had 
 traded an old crippled horse for his license to practice 
 law. If he ever parted with any money it was after 
 he had exhausted every effort to pay in trade. In the 
 practice of the law he exhibited great ingenuity in 
 getting his clients so tangled up with him in the 
 litigation that they could not or dared not discharge 
 him. When he met persons he began at once to 
 inquire into their private affairs and family history 
 to ascertain if they did not have some claims or 
 rights which might be the subject of litigation, and 
 as soon as he could find a pretext he would volunteer 
 advice and urge them to place the matter in his hands. 
 If it was necessary he would share in the litigation and 
 even maintain it by paying the cost and expenses. 
 Many persons were thereby made to believe that they 
 had suffered wrongs and when the litigation was well 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 57 
 
 under way he so managed the matter that they could 
 not get out of the meshes in which he had erftangled 
 them. The first suit was sure to breed others which 
 were themselves only parents of a numerous progeny 
 of other suits. Rare indeed was the instance where a 
 client escaped his clutches until all his means were 
 exhausted. 
 
 In the County where Skinner practiced law there 
 were two prosperous farmers, who owned adjoining 
 farms on which they had lived as neighbors in peace 
 and harmony for many years. One day a pig be- 
 longing to one rubbed down a board in the partition 
 fence and got into the other's potato patch and rooted 
 open a few hills of half-grown potatoes. The damage 
 was slight and would probably have passed unnoticed 
 had not the owner of the potatoes met Skinner on the 
 street and been made acutely conscious of his loss. 
 Skinner obtained his consent to bring a suit on shares. 
 In less than ten days the entire neighborhood was 
 thrown into a ferment. The populace divided into 
 parties, nearly an equal number taking sides with 
 each farmer. Slander and vituperation were peddled 
 promiscuously by both sides ; ancient sores were ripped 
 open and made to bleed afresh, and the strife grew 
 hotter and spread wider until finally the case came on 
 for trial. Many witnesses were subpoenaed by each 
 side to impeach the character of those on the opposing 
 side for truth and veracity. The case was on trial 
 
58 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 for many days during which time the newspapers 
 reprinted the slanders brought out in the testimony 
 and Skinner improved every opportunity for fanning 
 the flames of discord so as to discover new causes of 
 action. When this trial was finished the case was 
 appealed. He also brought several slander suits 
 and one libel suit engendered by the bitterness of 
 the potato controversy. He was also employed in 
 four cases of assault and battery, civil and criminal, 
 growing out of the same matter between members of 
 the two families, all of which were appealed and some 
 were reversed and tried anew. The cost of the various 
 cases including attorneys' fees was so great that the 
 farmer who had started to recover for a few hills of 
 potatoes not only lost his entire crop but had to sell 
 his farm at a great sacrifice to Skinner for money to 
 pay the expenses and attorneys' fees. But this was 
 not all. Many collateral suits were obtained by 
 the ingenious Skinner. Other neighbors who had 
 been drawn into the maelstrom of the conflict be- 
 came infuriated toward each other and stimulated 
 by the advice of Skinner discovered that they too 
 had old wrongs that needed redress, so they joined 
 the procession to financial ruin under his guidance. 
 Nor was this the end. These numerous suits caused 
 a political feud to spring up among the parties and a 
 mismanagement of the County's finances to be alleged, 
 and suits to recover funds that one party charged 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 59 
 
 the other with embezzling. Skinner got the board of 
 Supervisors to employ him in these suits and thus got 
 both arms into the County treasury up to the elbows. 
 He made these suits so expensive that the County 
 had to issue bonds to pay the costs. These bonds 
 were sold in the east and when time for payment 
 arrived, they were under the advice of Skinner repudi- 
 ated and the Federal Court was invoked to compel 
 the levy of a tax to pay them. The board under 
 Skinner's advice refused to comply with the writ 
 of mandamus issued by the court and were sent to 
 jail. The litigation then became wide spread; 
 some of the cases were taken to the Court of Appeals 
 and then to the Supreme Court of the United States. 
 The intense excitement and malice thus engendered 
 affected politics in the Congressional District and 
 throughout the State, and finally when the presidential 
 campaign came on the State being a close one the 
 controversy assumed national importance and deter- 
 mined the election of the president. During the 
 raging of this suit many other suits connected with 
 them sprang up like mushrooms everywhere and 
 wherever a fresh one started Skinner was on hand to 
 sustain and prolong its existence and harvest the 
 fruit. But he did not rely solely upon fees paid in law- 
 suits for his profits. These fees were mere incidents; 
 and the suits only introductions to the general business 
 of the clients. Into this business he would pry and 
 
60 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 onto it he would fasten like a leech, until his connec- 
 tion became secure enough and he had the entire busi- 
 ness of the client within his control, then he manipu- 
 lated it to his own advantage and the client's undoing. 
 The pig that rubbed down the board filled the town- 
 ship with bankrupts, saddled an enormous debt 
 on the County, changed the politics of a State, elected 
 a president of a nation and became Skinner's 
 stepping stone to affluence. 
 
 Thus Skinner rapidly accumulated money and 
 as soon as he got it he used it to accumulate more 
 patronage. He would buy one share of stock in 
 a corporation to get into a stockholder's meeting, 
 get acquainted with the business, and use his influence 
 to promote litigation. He bought claims against 
 business houses which he thought were short of 
 money and in the name of a stool pigeon forced the 
 institution into bankruptcy or in the hands of a 
 receiver, then gave the proceedings such direction as 
 to sacrifice the property of the insolvent at a forced 
 sale and became himself either directly or indirectly 
 the purchaser. He was especially skillful in the 
 management of the estates of deceased persons so 
 as to transfer the bulk of the fortune into his own 
 pocket and leave widows and orphans empty handed. 
 As his riches grew he collected about him a number 
 of employees suited to affect his purposes. They 
 kept close watch for opportunities to buy into a 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 61 
 
 litigation or to strip those whom misfortune had 
 slain. Like buzzards over a wounded animal he 
 and his agents hovered about the failing debtor eager 
 to profit by his misfortune. Finally Skinner attracted 
 the attention of the bold pirates of finance who hunt 
 only for big game, and plot to rob the entire popu- 
 lation of cities, states, nations, and even empires. 
 They sought to use him as a tool to effect their ne- 
 farious purposes. Beginning as a servant he man- 
 aged their affairs so adroitly that he soon became 
 their master and ultimately a financial king whose 
 sway a great aggregation of money grabbers were 
 compelled to acknowledge. At last he arose to 
 such power that even the world's greatest monarchs 
 begged financial assistance and mercy from him. 
 Thus the instinct for trade combined with a corrupt 
 conscience and some knowledge of law created one 
 of the oppressors of mankind. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Avarice 
 
 TN the previous- chapter on the "business agent" 
 I sought to show how greed may ultimately 
 deflect a lawyer from his profession and make him a 
 despoiler of mankind. I now wish to point out the 
 manner in which it may make him a buccaneer in 
 the profession. 
 
 Grabbem and Fleecem 
 
 The great firm of Grabbem & Fleecem, did a "land 
 oflB.ce" business. It kept a press agent, whose duties 
 were to advertise every appearance or connection 
 that the firm had with any important case and to 
 parade the doings of its members before the public. 
 It had many soliciting agents who examined the 
 newspapers and court dockets and got the first account 
 of all controversies likely to get into court and were 
 early on the spot offering the services of this firm 
 and claiming that it possessed great influence with 
 the judges; that it had peculiar experience and skill 
 for the particular case and were prepared to take it 
 upon terms much cheaper than any others in the 
 profession. Members of this firm gave banquets 
 to judges, procured themselves to be toast masters 
 62 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 63 
 
 at these and speakers at trade and club banquets. 
 They joined prominent churches, were members of 
 the principal fraternities, belonged to all the leading 
 political parties, solicited and procured employment 
 by various of&cials of the city, state and nation. 
 They became stockholders in all kinds of corpora- 
 tions and established relations with every department 
 of business, official, charitable, and even criminal. 
 Never for a moment did they show any scruples or 
 relax their efforts to acquire all the legal business 
 they could. Their offices covered an entire floor 
 of a large building wherein they employed clerks 
 at the lowest salaries. Outside they retained police- 
 men, nurses, physicians, real estate agents, superin- 
 tendants of hospitals and even clergymen, to all of 
 whom they paid a commission on business brought 
 to this firm. To show the manner in which this 
 firm acquired business I will give one instance. 
 
 An old Quaker while walking on a cement side- 
 walk after a shower was made to slip and fall by 
 stepping on a large angle worm. His injuries if any 
 were very slight and the city in no way to blame. 
 But it happened that a solicitor from the firm of 
 Grabbem & Fleecem saw him fall and immediately 
 rushed to his assistance exclaiming: "Oh! you poor 
 man! How terribly you are hurt. What a shame! 
 You must sue the city for this. Go to a hospital 
 immediately." The Quaker protested that he was 
 
64 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 not injured, but the solicitor called a cab bundled 
 him into it and took him to the hospital. There he 
 was immediately grabbed by an interne pulled into a 
 private room, stripped of his clothing, put to bed, 
 his ankle bandaged with splints, a surgeon sent for, 
 nurses employed and the Quaker kept under medical 
 treatment for several weeks. The solicitor gave him 
 the card of Grabbem & Fleecem stating that they were 
 the greatest lawyers on earth, could influence courts, 
 control juries, procure witnesses, and get judgments 
 in all cases, and while riding to the hospital he in- 
 sisted that the Quaker was seriously injured both 
 internally and externally and that the best treatment 
 was necessary to save his life. His nurses at the 
 hospital commented constantly upon his miserable 
 appearance and on the terrible wrong which he had 
 suffered and the necessity of his employing the firm 
 of Grabbem & Fleecem. The interne physicians 
 sang the same song on every occasion. The surgeon 
 who called to see him looked very solemn, spoke of 
 his injuries in sepulchral tones and expressed grave 
 doubts of a complete recovery. He also urged the 
 Quaker to secure the services of this firm to collect 
 damages from the city. Many of the Quaker's 
 friends male and female called, looked upon him with 
 pitying glances, magnified his injuries and insisted 
 that he take immediate action against the city and 
 employ this great firm. But the Quaker remained 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 65 
 
 obdurate. His conscience was opposed to litigation. 
 Finally his pastor called and made a long prayer 
 over him in which he inserted good words for Grab- 
 bem & Fleecem. The Quaker wavered but he did 
 not )aeld. The medicines given him internally, the 
 liniments that had been rubbed on, the opiates in- 
 jected to allay his imaginary pain and induce sleep, 
 the statements of his nurses and physicians, com- 
 bined with the doleful prognostications of his friends 
 and the prayers of his pastor must have convinced him 
 that he had received some injury, but he would have 
 held out to the last but for a frightful dream. He 
 dreamed that his injuries had caused his death and that 
 his soul was wafted to the Celestial city, that when 
 he applied at the gate for admission. Saint Peter 
 presented him the card of Grabbem & Fleecem 
 announcing that they were the greatest lawyers 
 in heaven and the only ones permitted to plead 
 before the judgment seat, that their ofl&ces occupied 
 the entire sky-parlor at the Saint's Rest, and that 
 Peter urged him to engage this great firm to present 
 his cause before the great white throne. The Quaker 
 was greatly distressed at this for he was still opposed 
 to employing lawyers. So he sat down on a cloud 
 and meditated. At last he concluded to go to the other 
 place. There he was ushered into the brimstone room 
 where he was presented to a solemn looking sprite 
 whose long dark garments partially concealed a cloven 
 
66 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 hoof. This sprite handed him a card which glowed 
 in letters of fire: "Satan — Senior Partner of Grab- 
 bem & Fleecem"— "owns courts, manufactures 
 evidence, suborns witnesses, deals in verdicts and 
 sells judgments and decrees to the highest bidder. 
 His offices occupy the whole basement in the infernal 
 regions." Thereupon the Quaker raised his hands 
 in horror and exclaimed: "Surely this is Hell!" 
 and awoke. The dream so preyed upon him that 
 he was finally induced to yield to the solicitations 
 of the firm and engage them. In a few days a receipt 
 was presented to him to sign acknowledging that 
 the city had paid him three thousand dollars for 
 injuries consisting of a ruptured ligament, a floating 
 kidney, and a concussion of the spine. At the same 
 time the firm presented a statement of their account 
 which showed that after deducting commissions 
 paid to solicitors, nurses, doctors, ministers, hospital 
 expenses, and fees for his and the city's attorney 
 there was coming to the Quaker for his share the sum 
 
 of $43-75 
 
 Sometimes this firm settled with a client for a 
 moderate fee stipulating they would be permitted 
 to advertise the receipt of compensation amount- 
 ing to hundreds of thousands of dollars. They 
 kept many trumpets blowing the assertion that 
 they were the world's greatest lawyers. They 
 became rich not only out of the fools that are said to 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 67 
 
 be born every minute but from the patronage of 
 some level-headed men. Many persons showing 
 great sagacity in other departments of life who can 
 manage general business with consummate skill are 
 caught by the glaring advertisements of such firms 
 as Grabbem & Fleecem and are induced to trust their 
 lives and fortunes in such hands. They cheerfully 
 pay exorbitant prices for the miserable service re- 
 ceived, when there are hundreds of good honest 
 lawyers of much greater skill and learning who have 
 plenty of time to attend to their cases at a fraction of 
 the price paid to such shysters. A moment's thought 
 would seem to be sufiScient for an intelligent person 
 to see that lawyers like Grabbem & Fleecem are not 
 likely to bestow careful attention upon matters left 
 in their hands; that the money spent by them in 
 commissions and advertising must necessarily come 
 out of the dupes thus snared into their offices, and 
 the energy expended in conducting such a machine 
 must be taken from the stock required to conduct 
 cases. The lawyer should take no more business 
 than he has time and ability to manage well. If 
 he exerts himself to control a much greater quantity all 
 his tasks are imperfectly done, and those who patron- 
 ize him are made to suffer from his inability to give 
 their matters proper attention ; or from the incompe- 
 tency and infidelity of the employees to whom he has 
 entrusted their afiairs. Some persons are capable 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 of doing more work in the same time than others 
 equally learned, but it is the opinion of the writer 
 that an important case containing a sharp controversy 
 relative to law and evidence will ordinarily require 
 at least two weeks to prepare and try it. Many 
 such controversies require more than a month. A 
 good lawyer ought not to attempt more than twenty- 
 five a year. On account of the large amoimt of 
 other work which ordinarily comes to a trial lawyer 
 twelve important cases a year is likely to be the full 
 limit of his capacity, provided they are closely con- 
 tested. Yet so greedy are such men as Grabbem & 
 Fleecem that they will engage themselves to handle 
 hundreds of cases yearly and then delay and thus 
 discommode their clients, or imperil their interests 
 by putting the management of the suits in the hands 
 of incompetent clerks. 
 
 Avarice has a blasting effect upon all professions. 
 The surgeon whose mind is on the pocket book of 
 the helpless patient, the preacher whose prayers are 
 intended for the purses of his flock, the editor whose 
 pen is guided by the magnetism of money, these are 
 bad enough, but the lawyer whose mind is bent on 
 money getting to the exclusion of all other considera- 
 tions is worse; he is wholly unfit for use in the ad- 
 ministration of justice. The lawyer's heart should 
 be in his work. He should consider his profession 
 as noble and worthy of his best efforts. He should 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 69 
 
 love it, and find in it his chief delight. That his 
 judgment may be unclouded it is better that he 
 feel no pecuniary interest in the success or ifailure of 
 the litigation. If a lawyer has the proper love for 
 his profession he will not care to join in the chase 
 for wealth, fame, or public ofl&ce. He will leave these 
 for men with lowlier ideals, for they are all greatly 
 inferior to the services he renders in the attainment 
 of justice. It is essential that he have this appreciation 
 and love for his profession in order that he may 
 consecrate himself to it, enjoy it and render to 
 humanity the important service which it must obtain 
 from the members of the bar. Those who aspire 
 to great wealth or political glory may have been 
 educated for the bar, but when they have decided 
 to worship at another shrine they ought not to hold 
 themselves out as lawyers. The relation of attorney 
 and client is of such a delicate nature that it should 
 not be complicated with any other business affairs. 
 The lawyer in his dealing with his client should 
 confine himself strictly to the scope of his profession, 
 rendering only professional services. He should 
 not be a borrower from his client or a lender to him, 
 nor should he become interested with his client in 
 any investment or become entangled socially or polit- 
 ically with him. Whenever the lawyer steps out of 
 the strictly professional relation he starts a train of 
 thought and worry which deprives him of his com- 
 
70 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 posure and the time necessary to keep posted on his 
 profession. He also becomes exposed to temptation 
 and the subject of suspicion likely to imperil his 
 standing in the estimation of his client. The standard 
 here raised may be considered too high to be practi- 
 cable but the nearer the lawyer can approach it, the 
 greater will be the skill and knowledge which he will 
 acquire and the larger the degree of satisfaction and 
 pleasure which will come to him from the pursuit of 
 his profession. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 Disorder 
 
 /^RDER is essential everywhere from the govem- 
 ^-^ ment of a country to the management of a prize 
 fight. Disorder causes friction, confusion, delay and 
 defeat. The lawyer has to deal with complicated mat- 
 ters of great importance and must act quickly at the 
 time appointed. Necessity for system in his affairs 
 can hardly be over-stated. When his case is 
 reached he must be ready with the authorities that 
 sustain his view of the law and with the documents 
 and witnesses that prove his contention as to the 
 facts. These constitute the chain upon which his 
 hopes depend and if one link be missing he will 
 meet with disaster. He should have all where he 
 can produce it quickly, or he must ask for delay, be- 
 come confused and see the court irritated by the loss 
 of time thus caused or have his case disposed of on a 
 record less favorable than it should be. The lawyer's 
 fees are always considered high by those required 
 to pay them and the lawyer who lays upon his client 
 a burden out of proportion to the result accomplished 
 will incur his displeasure and make him disgusted 
 71 
 
72 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 with legal proceedings. To secure ample compensa- 
 tion for the time used the lawyer must accomplish 
 the result aimed at in as short time as possible. To 
 reach the minimum in this particular it is necessary 
 that his work be so systematized as to exclude waste 
 and useless repetitions. He should do everything 
 for a purpose and if possible finish it while at it. 
 He should keep a record of his doings, copies of every 
 paper, statements from every witness and have all 
 where it can be quickly found, so that the case when 
 once prepared for trial is prepared for all time, save 
 for such additions as newly discovered evidence and 
 recently reported cases may require. The time thus 
 consumed should be accurately charged when ex- 
 pended. If the result of the case makes it necessary 
 to reduce the charges credit can be given, or if it will 
 allow an increase it is an easy matter to add thereto. 
 The lawyer should have an office provided with the 
 best appliances, supplied with all the latest publi- 
 cations and equipped with trained and experienced 
 clerks. This office should be so managed that every- 
 thing will have a place where it will be kept in perfect 
 order. First of all the lawyer must be in his place, 
 and on time and personally observe the rules of 
 order which he has laid down. Many are the law- 
 yers who work without system and great are the 
 losses sustained by them and their clients on account 
 thereof. Here is an illustration. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 7« 
 
 Captain Jehosaphat Jehu 
 Captain Jehosaphat Jehu, was a very active man. 
 Like a cyclone loaded with sticks, stones and all 
 kinds of dirt he moved creating excitement, wonder 
 and confusion wherever he appeared. He observed 
 no principles of order. He acted upon impulse, 
 and a powerful impulse it was. What education he 
 had he had obtained in an irregular manner and the 
 subjects which he considered were determined by 
 accident. Some of his knowledge had been caught 
 on the fly, some had been thrown at him and a con- 
 siderable portion had been kicked into him. If he 
 ran onto a book he began to read it and continued 
 until something else pushed him away. If in con- 
 versation he encountered a person sufficiently pugna- 
 cious and aggressive to edge in a word, Jehu might 
 get an idea. When severely licked in a suit or other- 
 wise jolted by disappointment his mind was provided 
 with an impression which clung to him for a consider- 
 able time. But he had no system either of collecting 
 or retaining knowledge and most of his notions were 
 evolved from his inner consciousness. The few 
 which he had effervesced with such force that he 
 could crow down his opponents in any discussion 
 depending upon lungs for its termination. He was 
 tall, thin, long jointed, and bony. His clothes were 
 misfits, and usually looked like the garments of a 
 scarecrow. His hair was generally unkempt, his 
 
74 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 ponderous moustache, and scraggy beard badly 
 soiled. His clothing was usually stained with a large 
 variety of substances. If he lacked buttons to hold 
 his garments in place a nail, a safety-pin, or any kind 
 of string were made to do duty and while he had one 
 suspender he was ready for action. He had a 
 den which he called an office. To this his mail was 
 sent, and he appeared there at irregular intervals, 
 but none could foretell when his next appearance 
 would be or how long he might remain. In this 
 place he had an old table, a dilapidated book- 
 case and some broken sets of books. Some of the 
 books were in the case, others on the table, or on 
 the floor, but wherever the}"^ were they were well 
 covered with dust, which did not matter, for he so 
 seldom used them. His table was littered with an 
 irregular bunch of legal papers, memoranda, news- 
 papers, old books, letters and such other things as 
 happened to be thrown there. All were tangled 
 in a confused mass, so that whatever found its way 
 to this table was likely to be lost when wanted. There 
 were many loafers sitting in the old chairs adding to 
 them from time to time a fresh veneer of greasy sub- 
 stance, and digging a few more dents in the already 
 badly mutilated furniture. They passed the time 
 in playing cards, talking politics or religion, distribu- 
 ting every day gossip or telling smutty stories, or 
 boasting of their conquests in love or law. To this 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 75 
 
 den Jehu would come with a rush, fumble around 
 among the papers on his table, talk a few moments 
 with some of the denizens, tell a yarn or two, then 
 rush off to some appointment or to court, and in the 
 course of time return again and repeat the operation. 
 He was rarely on time and often had his cases dis- 
 missed or continued because he was late. When a 
 case came on for trial he was usually without some of 
 his witnesses and always without books to prove 
 his assertions and was generally in a helpless confusion 
 on account of his lack of systematic preparation. 
 The judge might be well disposed toward his client 
 and desire to try his case upon its merits, but he was 
 handicapped by the failure of Jehu to provide the 
 basis for a favorable decision. So notwithstanding 
 his intense activity and the rush and rattle that ac- 
 companied all bis motions, Jehu usually suffered 
 defeat. 
 
 To make clear to the general reader how the lack 
 of orderly preparation brought Jehu and his clients 
 to grief, I vidll give a few of his mistakes. 
 
 After several days spent in trying a suit for damages 
 against a Street R. R. Co., a verdict was ordered 
 against him because he had failed to prove that the 
 company operating the road was the one sued. 
 
 He was engaged to prosecute a man for a crime 
 and the defendant was acquitted because he failed 
 to prove that the place where the crime was com- 
 
76 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 mitted was in the county where the indictment was 
 found. 
 
 He brought suit for a divorce, took a great amount 
 of evidence but failed because he did not prove that 
 the complainant had been a resident of the state long 
 enough to give the court jurisdiction. 
 
 He was defeated in one action on a fire insurance 
 policy, after several days' trial because he did not 
 show that proofs of loss were made to the company 
 or waived by it, and defeated in another because 
 the suit was brought before the claim was due under 
 the policy. 
 
 Many times he lost because his evidence did not 
 agree with the allegations in his pleadings. His 
 appeals to the Upper Courts were frequently rendered 
 useless on account of his failing to take proper ex- 
 ceptions to the action of the court below. Such 
 appeals were often dimissed because not taken in 
 time or because taken to the wrong court. 
 
 None but those who have had experience can 
 realize the sharp agony that pierces a lawyer's heart 
 when he learns that his defeat is due to his own folly. 
 When he looks upon the ghastly face of his disap- 
 pointed client and thinks of the victory he might have 
 won, he curses himself and groans inwardly and 
 searches his distracted mind for an excuse to mitigate 
 his blunder. He hears the chuckling of his trium- 
 phant adversary, the jeers and prophesies of his 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 77 
 
 enemies, the vain commiseration of his pitying friends. 
 He feels that he is the foolish fish that jumped at a fly 
 and caught a hook; that he is the silly rabbit that 
 ran into the trap, that he is the wild gosling caught 
 in the subtle fowler's snare. The general who has 
 led his army into an ambush and had it cut to pieces, 
 as he gazes on the scattered remnants of his once 
 proud host feels all the anguish of the damned. 
 But his distress is no greater than that of the conscien- 
 tious lawyer who realizes that his own folly has ruined 
 his trusting client. But men like Jehu endure many 
 such experiences. It seems strange they do not 
 discover that their sad defeats come from a lack of 
 orderly preparation and thus be led to change their 
 habits. But they never do. They become calloused 
 and continue the blunders from year to year making 
 more and greater mistakes as they grow older until 
 death puts an end to their depredations. So it was 
 with Jehu. So many of his cases ended disastrously 
 that he could not accumulate more than a mere sub- 
 sistance, was always in debt and kept in hot water 
 during his entire professional career. He attracted 
 many clients but they were very poor people, who were 
 as ignorant as they were poor and they wasted his 
 time and he wasted theirs. 
 
 There is no prescription more potent to prevent 
 mistakes than the adoption and strict observance 
 of wise rules of order. By this method a man of 
 
78 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 ordinary gifts can render a great service at the bar; 
 without it the brightest minds become the playthings 
 of chance, and suffer the most disastrous defeats 
 where they should have won brilliant victories. 
 Surely the poet was not far wrong when he wrote 
 "Order is heaven's first law." 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 Cowardice 
 
 A LAWYER should not be a coward for he must 
 often lead in the fiercest intellectual combats. 
 The leaders of armies have plenty of company. The 
 leaders of political movements have throngs of backers. 
 The lawyer must stand alone in many of the fights 
 which he makes for the property, liberty or life of his 
 clients. Those interested in his success are usually 
 helpless and furnish him no intellectual or moral 
 support. They are ignorant of the law. They 
 are unfamiliar with the rules of proceeding and they 
 must be silent spectators while he conducts alone the 
 intellectual warfare in their behalf. Thus he needs 
 the rarest quality of courage : an abihty to hold firmly 
 to his individual opinion against all opposition and 
 to fight for it unwaveringly until every tribunal 
 provided for by the law has been appealed to in vain. 
 This may not seem so difficult to the inexperienced as 
 it really is. The majority of mankind can not with- 
 stand a strong intellectual opposition. Some may 
 make a great show of courage in the first attack; a 
 small number may suffer one defeat and not waver 
 in either zeal or conviction, but comparatively few 
 79 
 
»0 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 are those who can endure repeated defeats, hear the 
 sneering remarks of their opponents, the discouraging 
 counsels of their friends and the groans of their cUents 
 at the expense they are incurring and yet experience 
 no flagging in zeal or diminution in the firmness of 
 purpose. Fewer still are those rare spirits who can 
 receive the buffetings of evil fortune wholly undis- 
 turbed, who can smile at adversity and all its vexatious 
 accompaniments, and with a serene soul proceed as 
 regularly in the discharge of duty as a nicely adjusted 
 clock ticks out the time, though multitudes perish 
 and d)Tiasties rise and fall. A soul thus fortified is 
 adapted to endure the vexations of the trial lawyer. 
 In such hands the greatest cause is likely to receive 
 the best attention. Unfortunately many members 
 of the bar are devoid of this courage. They do not 
 sufficiently prepare their cases to lay the basis of a 
 well-grounded conviction. They approach the con- 
 test with fear and trembling and at the first unfavorable 
 intimation from the court they are unnerved. By a 
 disastrous defeat they are panic stricken. During 
 a heated trial the fear of losing induces such a tremor 
 that they lose sleep, turn and toss all night upon their 
 restless beds racking their brains with worry, and 
 if the trial is protracted over many days they become 
 seriously disabled before the end is reached. This 
 causes them to omit many things that ought to be done 
 and to say and do many things in their bewilderment 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 81 
 
 that ought not to be said or done. They can not 
 contemplate defeat without pain or converse with 
 their disappointed client without giving fictitious 
 excuses for it. This causes the client to lose his 
 courage and he decides to submit to injustice rather 
 than incur the risk of another trial, or if he musters 
 nerve enough to appeal the attorney so shattered by 
 defeat is unfit to enter another struggle. 
 
 The morally brave man makes no parade of his 
 courage. He does not even think of it for he always 
 has it with him in good working order. The coward 
 who ever feels the lack of it tries to cover the defect 
 by assuming a brave demeanor. He blows, storms, 
 threatens, and protests that he is not afraid. He 
 repeatedly declares that nothing can bend or turn him. 
 He struts, swaggers, swears and assumes the prowess 
 of the "god of war." The brave man does none of 
 these but coolly gathers his strength, watches his 
 opportunity and strikes. What he has to do he does 
 timely, directly, and eSectively, and not with ex- 
 haustion but out of the fullness of his strength. 
 Having struck once he stands firm ready to strike 
 again as often as occasion requires. The man who 
 has true moral courage is never without it. Dis- 
 appointment, defeat, and even death does not dismay. 
 Awakened suddenly from a sound sleep his nerves 
 are firm and ready for action. Struck from ambush 
 unexpectedly, he squares himself calmly for the fray. 
 
82 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 Friends desert him, foes multiply, but he wavers not. 
 He has within a spark of that divine power which 
 stands eternally strong amid the wreck of worlds. 
 As a spurious imitation of a brave man I take the 
 risk of introducing 
 
 General Bluff 
 
 From youth he pretended to be a fighter. He was 
 always bullying his schoolmates, and playmates. He 
 carried a chip on his shoulder and dared anyone to 
 knock it off. He took special delight in imposing 
 on those younger and weaker than himself. He was 
 very offensive in his treatment of the opposite sex. 
 He annoyed all persons by boasting of his conquests, 
 and terrorized many of the timid by his noisy and 
 threatening oaths. When he grew to manhood he 
 was undersized and not especially strong physically, 
 but he had a head like a bulldog, small cruel black 
 eyes, bushy eyebrows, an immense moustache which 
 he waxed with an upward turn at the sides, a bald 
 head, fringed with a few coarse hairs, a snub nose, 
 a mouth like a slit in an oak board, and lips as destitute 
 of expression as an Egyptian hieroglyphic. When 
 he screwed his countenance into a threatening aspect 
 it reminded one of a pumpkin jack lantern. He 
 was not familiar with law or legal proceedings except 
 that portion employed in collecting debts. He ex- 
 perienced great glee in grinding a distressed debtor. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR S3 
 
 He swelled with magnificent pride as he strutted into 
 the hovel of poverty and threatened to turn its wretched 
 inmates into the street, unless they paid a bill he had 
 to collect. His soul was in an ecstacy when he got 
 an opportunity of writing an insulting letter to some 
 timid girl promising her all kinds of vexatious per- 
 secution if she did not call at his oflSce and settle the 
 account he held. With fiendish delight he would 
 wring the last penny from the withered hands of want 
 and apply it on his illegal and extortionate fees. Yet 
 he was usually careful not to come within reach of 
 people who were able to defend themselves and were 
 disposed to do so. Once he called a sleepy looking 
 country boy a liar. The rustic invited him out into 
 the road, and with great pretensions of courage he 
 went. He danced around the slow-motioned son of 
 the soil, like a king bird around a hawk, sawing the 
 air with his clenched fists and exclaiming: "I'll lick 
 you to death, you greenhorn ! " all of which he empha- 
 sized with ear piercing oaths. The quiet stripling 
 watched his maneuvers until he came near enough 
 then gave Bluff a left hander over the eye that 
 felled him like a dead fish. He was dragged to a 
 hotel near by and soaked with water until he came to 
 consciousness. His left eye was swollen shut and 
 looked like a piece of raw beef. He claimed the 
 countryman struck him with brass knuckles but of 
 course that was not true. Ever afterward Bluff 
 
84 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 prudently avoided close contact with persons who 
 might be capable of protecting themselves and he 
 exhibited his bravado while under the protection of a 
 judge or other officers of the law or when in the 
 presence of frightened women and children or with 
 members of the legal profession who were not likely 
 to resort to physical force. Amid such surroundings 
 he bellowed like the "bull of Bashan, " he showed his 
 big front teeth like a hyena among the tombs, he 
 pushed out his chest like a Roman Gladiator, he 
 stood like Ajax defying the lightning, and swore oaths 
 that would shame a drunken sailor. These vulgar 
 trappings caught the eye of many foolish cHents and 
 he gained credit for being a stubborn fighter. Many 
 employed him to attend to their cases, because, they 
 believed him to be strong and courageous. But he 
 was at heart the basest of cowards. What was ac- 
 counted courage was only cruelty. When he met his 
 match his veins were full of skimmed milk. His 
 spine shook like a lamb's tail, and he sought the 
 first excuse to fly. He had neither nerve enough to 
 stand and fight nor courage enough to admit that he 
 was mistaken. He always sought to lay the blame for 
 disaster on some one else and then would crawl into 
 his hole and stay there until he got another opportunity 
 to brag and threaten. 
 
 It is sometimes said that the brave know no fear. 
 This is false. All but imbeciles feel fear. The 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 85 
 
 coward feels it, quakes and flies. The brave man 
 feels it but stands and fights. The first places his 
 personal safety above his duty, the last puts his duty 
 al)Ove his personal safety. Cowardice is therefore 
 another name for selfishness. Hence the brave man 
 is courteous and kind to the weak and just even to his 
 enemies. The coward tramples down and crushes 
 the helpless to exalt himself and plunders all that he 
 can with impunity. 
 
 In order that he may love justice and fight to obtain 
 and sustain it against all the forces that fraud can 
 raise against it, the lawyer should of all men be men- 
 tally, morally and spiritually brave, and he must be so 
 to attain the highest excellence in his profession. 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 Confidence in the Court 
 
 Ti /TOST lawyers are sometimes and many lawyers 
 ■^ 'are many times disabled in their advocacy of a 
 cause by a lack of confidence in the integrity and 
 inteUigence of the Judge. No one can as effectively 
 conduct a trial when he thinks his evidence and 
 arguments will be disregarded. The thought para- 
 lyzes his brain, takes away his zeal and tends to make 
 him irritable to a high degree. He becomes dis- 
 courteous to the court, makes the Judge feel his lack 
 of confidence and he too is thus prevented from giving 
 the case a fair and unbiased attention. That lawyer 
 is best equipped for his task who has faith in the 
 intelligence and integrity of the occupant of the bench 
 which nothing can shake. Questions of law may be 
 decided against him. His confidence continues. 
 Erroneous expressions relative to his evidence may be 
 made. He suspects no wrong. The Court may even 
 reverse itself to give the victory to his adversary, and 
 yet amid the stings of defeat he never doubts the 
 honesty and competency of the occupant of the Bench. 
 The lawyer who has this faith must add to a generous 
 nature the charity which comes from a wide experience 
 86 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 87 
 
 and a clear knowledge of human frailty in matters of 
 opinion. How few possess these qualities. It has 
 long been customary for the ablest lawyers to impugn 
 the intelligence and integrity of the Judge who has 
 decided against them. From the courtroom where 
 they have met with disaster they have retired to the 
 tavern, the saloon, or the street corner and have 
 given vent to their feelings by inveighing furiously 
 against the Judge and jury. 
 
 Frequently during the progress of the trial they have 
 lost their tempers and become very bitter in their resent- 
 ment because the Judge has failed to agree with them 
 upon propositions of law or evidence. So narrow 
 minded have they been in their zeal that they could 
 conceive no room for an honest difference of opinion. 
 The mere fact that their arguments have not been 
 effective has been considered conclusive proof that 
 the Judge is incompetent or corrupt. Thus they have 
 tried to browbeat the Judge and intimidate him into 
 finding in their favor to avoid encountering their 
 displeasure. Judges are but lawyers on the bench 
 and often lawyers with but little experience. The 
 more anxious they are to do right the more sensitive 
 they become to such manifestations. It is difficult 
 under such circumstances for them to retain that 
 composure and concentration of mind essential to 
 the forming of a correct judgment. Where the Judge 
 is not intimidated by such conduct he may become 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 unconsciously prejudiced against his assailant and 
 thus be prevented from giving him so fair a hearing 
 as the law contemplates. Some persons are by nature 
 suspicious and believe that all men have a price, and 
 that most are fools. 
 
 Thomas Doubt 
 
 Thomas Doubt was that kind. He looked upon 
 human society as corrupt in all its strata. He con- 
 sidered the general government of his coimtry a 
 criminal conspiracy organized for plunder, and the 
 world generally as the personal property of Satan, 
 created for damnation. His eyes were so focused that 
 he saw nothing but defects. A bright day was a 
 weather breeder. Flush times the precursors of the 
 coming panic. A friendly smile a false pretence. A 
 generous gift a device to get an underhold. There 
 was no such thing as love. There was nothing like 
 honor. Every person was a liar and the best 
 ought to be in the penitentiary. Every breeze, 
 though sweet with perfume swarmed with mi- 
 crobes of a malignant character. Every flower 
 was a shield that covered a serpent. He was always 
 running the gauntlet between files of enemies who were 
 plotting to destroy him. From earliest infancy he 
 had always been cheated and deceived. He regarded 
 his birth as a calamity. He found no comfort in the 
 society of his family or friends. The common amuse- 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 89 
 
 ments of people were looked upon by him with dis- 
 gust and pronounced the frivolity of fools. The press 
 was subsidized. The pulpit fiUed with hired liars. 
 Commerce was obtaining money under false pretences. 
 All kinds of business were dishonest or criminal in 
 their character. He wished to extract the honey of 
 this life from the gall of his enemies. He adopted the 
 law as a profession to punish them. He saw no beauty 
 in its doctrines; he took no pride in its traditions. 
 The honored names of its founders evoked no en- 
 thusiasm. Relative to some he had collected evi- 
 dence to prove that they were scoundrels and those 
 against whom he had no evidence he assumed were like 
 the others. Of the occupants of the bench, he con- 
 sidered those in the highest seats the worst criminals 
 and the greatest enemies of mankind. His scent for 
 faults was so largly developed that he not only exagger- 
 ated all defects which he could find, but imagined 
 many that did not exist. At the same time he was 
 deaf and blind to all evidence showing the existence 
 of truth, beauty, honor, justice and love in the world. 
 How could such a man learned though he was in all 
 the lore of his profession, industrious as he was in 
 collecting and amassing his evidence, faithful as he 
 was in zeal and fidelity to his clients, yet so satiurated 
 with distrust, be able to efiectively discharge his duty 
 as a trial lawyer? He carried into court an atmos- 
 phere charged with wormwood. He fell out with 
 
90 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 the Judge and became unpopular with the jury. He 
 was despised by the opposing party, incurred the lasting 
 enmity of his lawyer and frequently lost the confidence 
 of his own cUent and had to sue to get his fees. Yet 
 such were his talents that he received a large patronage 
 and became one of the greatest railroad lawyers in 
 his state in the defence of suits for personal injuries. 
 In his youth he had learned the trade of a blacksmith 
 and got his rudimentary education while working at 
 the forge. He was a physical giant and he tried his 
 lawsuits with hammers and tongs and great and 
 steady were the blows he sometimes struck. I will 
 illustrate his manner of treating the court by one 
 incident. 
 
 He had brought a suit for a lady against a saloon- 
 keeper for selling beer to her husband. The state 
 law made it a crime to sell beer to a person in the 
 habit of becoming intoxicated. He put a witness 
 on the stand and asked him if he had ever seen the 
 husband drunk? The opposing lawyer objected and 
 the Judge without hearing any argument sustained 
 the objection. Mr. Doubt then looked at the Judge 
 with a surprised expression on his face, and repeated 
 the question. "Objection sustained, " exclaimed the 
 Judge with some irritation. He then arose, adjusted 
 his eyeglasses and stared at the Judge and asked 
 with a voice trembling with emotion, yet severely sar- 
 castic: "Is it possible that you hold that I can't show 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 91 
 
 that this woman's husband was in the habit of be- 
 coming intoxicated?" 
 
 "I have sustained the objection, "retorted the Judge 
 with emphasis. 
 
 Mr. Doubt then grabbed the statute convulsively, 
 opened it and held it in his left hand, and gesticulating 
 furiously with his right spoke in tones so loud as to 
 be heard in every part of the room. Every word was 
 uttered so slowly and forcibly that it fell like a 
 sledge on the Judge's ears: "The law provides that 
 it is a crime to sell beer to a person in the habit of be- 
 coming intoxicated. I propose to show that this scoun- 
 drel (pointing to the blear-eyed bloated defendant) sold 
 beer to this poor woman's husband (pointing to the 
 plaintiff, a delicate lady with large sorrowful eyes), 
 until he dragged him down, down into the very gutter. 
 And there you sit and say I can't show it/ My God! 
 is this a court of justice!" As he uttered these last 
 words the very air was vibrant with wrath, not only 
 that of the speaker but with the .indignation of the 
 crowd of onlookers who now saw the court's error. It 
 was too sultry for the Judge. The hot blush of shame 
 came to his temples as he said: "Mr Doubt, if that is 
 what you want it for you may show it. " Instead of 
 letting the discomfited Judge down easy Doubt in- 
 sisted upon twisting the hook in the gills of the fish he 
 had landed. He screwed his features into an ex- 
 pression of sneering contempt and said in tones that 
 
92 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 grated viciously; "In heaven's name what did you 
 think I wanted it for?" 
 
 "Mr. Doubt, I fine you $25 for contempt," said the 
 Judge angrily. 
 
 "Make it fijty, make it a hundred," shouted Doubt. 
 "Twenty-five doesn't begin to express the contempt 
 I feel." 
 
 The Judge then raised it to one hundred and Doubt 
 handed his check to the clerk saying; "I am willing 
 to pay for my luxuries. " Of course when the Judge 
 cooled down the fine was remitted and the check 
 returned. 
 
 After Doubt had delivered a terrible tirade against 
 the opposite party and the court had adjourned, the 
 party accosted Doubt and asked- if what he had said 
 was lawyer's talk or facts. "What's the difference," 
 asked the lawyer. "Why," said he, "if it is lawyer's 
 talk it's all right, but if it's facts I propose to thresh 
 the ground with you." 
 
 "What are you talking about, you insignificant, 
 imbecile, papsucker," exclaimed Doubt, "you know if 
 you should meet me on the street you would run like 
 a scared rabbit. If you don't look out you'll fall in a 
 fit where you stand, you are such a contemptible 
 coward ! " Doubt's assailant wilted and slunk away. 
 
 He indulged in the pleasures of calumny at the 
 expense of every individual that he knew and he went 
 still further. He sometimes made an entire class the 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 93 
 
 object of his vituperation. On one occasion he put on 
 the pillory an organization containing 80,000 members. 
 Among other things he said of them: 
 
 "There may be men in other callings who for some 
 single vice would compare with them, but for a com- 
 bination in harmonious blending of cowardice, deceit, 
 dishonesty, impudence, lechery, and leprous rascality, 
 they stand unrivaled and without a peer." This 
 malicious assault caused the society to demand of the 
 railroad company that employed him that he be 
 discharged and to enfore that demand a general 
 boycott was declared against the road. Its business 
 shrank enormously and the president called on Doubt 
 for an apology but his answer was : 
 
 "If apologies were as plentiful as blackberries, in 
 the language of Falstaff, 'I would not give one under 
 compulsion.' " And he did not and was not dis- 
 charged although his lampoon cost his client an im- 
 mense sum of money. While the fever of excitement 
 was at the highest Doubt took the train to go to 
 Court. He was then on crutches and two men 
 seated in front of him were heard by him to remark, 
 that they would like to catch the lawyer who had so 
 defamed them. Doubt astonished them by this 
 interruption : 
 
 "I am the man, what do you want? " They looked 
 at each other, and then into his flaming eyes and 
 changed to the next coach. 
 
94 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 The foregoing instances are a few of the many 
 hundreds that could be told of this peculiar character, 
 who was a great student, a powerful orator, an intrepid 
 fighter and would have taken his place at the head of 
 his profession in the nation, had he not looked with 
 such suspicion and distrust upon his associates. 
 True he was sometimes correct in his suspicions but 
 oftener wrong than right and always excessive in the 
 quantity of blame and corruption which he supposed 
 others to possess. Yet he had about him a sort of 
 magnetism by which he was able to draw and retain 
 the friendship of many whom he mistreated, and his 
 powerful will forced others to aid him. He became a 
 towering figure in his locality but was compelled to 
 see men greatly inferior to him in learning and natural 
 gifts placed above him and crowned with the laurels 
 of a success which he never could attain because of 
 his lack of confidence in his fellows. 
 
 Confidence is a kind of cement which holds to- 
 gether the molecules of human society. The lack 
 of it disintegrates and nullifies the best eSorts of 
 our race. In the financial world it spells ruin. In 
 the moral world it means dissension, and hatred. But 
 no where is the need of confidence greater than in the 
 administration of justice and the place of its greatest 
 need here is in the mind of the lawyer when he 
 presents the cause of his client to the consideration of 
 the court. 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 Prjde 
 
 A LL wish to be admired and to do something that 
 will win and deserve admiration. So strong is 
 the passion that multitudes endure distress without 
 complaint, cowards become heroes and misers are 
 made generous. A reasonable degree of pride stimu- 
 lates the lawyer to excel in his profession and prevents 
 him from sinking into mean and sordid practices. 
 But pride is often developed to excess and then it 
 becomes a stiff and unnatural dignity, an ever present 
 consciousness of self; a disposition to subject the 
 interest of the client to the passion of the lawyer for 
 adulation. It then cripples him in the discharge of 
 his duty. I take the case of 
 
 Paul Proud 
 
 He was a very neat little gentleman who had the 
 best education that wealth could procure. His small 
 round head scantily covered with fine black hair 
 contained more legal maxims than could be found 
 anywhere else in the same space. He probably knew 
 more Roman law than Cicero, more Greek law than 
 Solon, more English law than Edmund Burke and 
 95 
 
96 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 could speak fluently in more languages than all of 
 them put together. And he was an orator after the 
 classic models. It was a great joy to hear the large 
 words of Greek and Latin derivation emerge from 
 his little mouth and see him strain his symmetrical 
 lips to produce on opening large enough for the passage 
 of their ponderous bulk. The travail thus experienced 
 in giving birth to his prodigious sentences was assisted 
 somewhat by a vigorous shaking of his head and the 
 tossing of his mane which at times inspired wonder 
 if not terror to his auditors. He could repeat many 
 of the greatest ancient and modem orations, exhibit all 
 the good points and suggest improvements that even 
 Quintilian never thought of. Nor did his capacity 
 end in framing words. He had the genuine poetic 
 fire, the divine afilatus, which thrills and captures 
 the hearts of multitudes. But he had acquired with 
 these excellences an overweening pride and a wish 
 to be in the center of every stage where the spot light 
 was the brightest; and to be smothered with the 
 blossoms of unlimited adulation. He could not 
 endure blame nor ridicule, nor was he willing to 
 undertake an unpopular case, or one where he was 
 likely to be identified with a disreputable person. He 
 was a kid gloved, silk stockinged, sunshine lawyer, 
 and he moved with a grace that was charming and 
 conducted himself with a dignity that seemed majestic 
 to some and ridiculous to others. To show how this 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 97 
 
 great scholar, orator and dignified gentleman was 
 blown from his moorings by a lawyer of much less 
 dignity I must give a short account of a jury trial. 
 
 A country merchant in failing circumstances gave 
 several mortgages. The first was to a wholesale firm, 
 the second to his sister for borrowed money, and the 
 third to Proud's client, another wholesale dealer of 
 great wealth. Proud's client declined to accept the 
 third mortgage and treating the others as fraudulent 
 sued out an attachment in the Federal Court, and had 
 the United States marshal sell the entire stock. The 
 sister sued the marshal as an ordinary scalawag 
 for trespass, and Proud was engaged by the merchant 
 to defend him. Iii_order_tiiaiJie. might be ^lojveil.to 
 make jhe^opening and closing speeches. Proud.. ad- 
 mitted all the aUega^ons of the girl's claim, feut_set 
 up the special defence, that her mortgage was given to 
 defraud_creditors. This entitled the little man to 
 make the last sp eech . In his first address to the jury 
 he said but a few words, expecting the plaintiff's attor- 
 ney to make a weak or indifferent answer, and then 
 Proud intended to launch forth in reply a great oration 
 on the despicable character of fraud and thus stampede 
 the jury in favor of his client. But in this he was 
 mistaken, for the plaintiff's attorney knew Proud and 
 determined to take advantage of his weakness and this 
 is the way he proceeded in his address to the jury: 
 
 "You have observed, gentlemen, with what anxiety 
 
98 FOlBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 my little friend has striven for the last speech. You 
 may not know why, but I will tell you. He proposes 
 to make the greatest effort of his hfe ! I was present 
 gentlemen, at our new Opera House when he dedicated 
 that palatial temple to the god Momus, and I saw 
 the elite and learned of our city lean forward with 
 craned necks and strained ears as they drank in the 
 honey of his words. I was present in the Senate dur- 
 ing the impeachment proceedings when he pleaded 
 the cause of the one-armed soldier against the nefarious 
 combination that was seeking to despoil him of his 
 honor and his office and I saw the great Senate 
 chloroformed by his majestic periods in behalf of 
 liberty and justice. I was one of that vast multitude 
 who stood with uncovered heads at the east front of 
 the Capitol to hear his eulogy of the world's greatest 
 soldier, the matchless hero of Appomattox, and I saw 
 acres of my fellow countrymen in tears as he told how 
 the angel of death guided the pen of the old hero 
 while he finished his immortal memoirs. On all these 
 occasions, gentlemen, he was a star of the first magni- 
 tude, yea, a veritable sun whose brilliancy made aU 
 other orbs look pale. But these efforts, gentlemen, 
 were only small samples of his capacity and to-day 
 he proposes to surpass them all ; he intends to show how 
 eloquent he can be when he is attempting to steal three 
 hundred dollars from a servant girl and give them to a 
 multi-millionaire ! " 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 99 
 
 At this point the eyes of the proud little man snapped 
 with anger, and he protested to the court that the 
 speaker was treating him unfairly. The judge laughed 
 and refused to interfere so the speaker continued: 
 
 "Had his client come tome instead of going to 
 my eloquent friend, I would have told him that I con- 
 sidered his case hopeless. I would have said, if you 
 could transfer the action to the mines of Siberia where 
 they hitch their women to coal cars to drag coal out 
 of the mines; or to Tartary where they drown their 
 female infants; or to some Cannibal Island of the sea 
 where they eat women every morning for breakfast, 
 you might bribe a jury to give you a verdict; but in an 
 Anglo-Saxon country, where we respect and protect 
 our women; — in the United States where the rights 
 of the poorest girl are as sacred as our flag — to expect 
 such a verdict from a jury would be the limit of 
 imbecility. But," continued the speaker, "I am no 
 orator like my friend. I have no gift to make juries 
 crazy. He rehes on his irresistible powers. But in 
 this, gentlemen, he may be mistaken, for my friend has 
 a kind heart in his diminutive breast and when he 
 thinks of my poor client on her knees in a kitchen, 
 and of the long years she has toiled and waited for 
 justice in this court and that his splendid periods are 
 being prostitued to deprive her of her rights and to 
 enrich an already over-fed and purse bloated million- 
 aire, the thought will palsy his slick tongue, his heart 
 
100 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 will arise and choke his utterances and his polished 
 dactyls will not flow. " 
 
 Again the speaker was interrupted by the little 
 gentleman who was now becoming furious in his 
 rage, so much so that he could scarcely make his ob- 
 jection imderstood by the court. It was however 
 promptly overruled and the speaker thus proceeded: 
 
 "My atomic opponent is not pleased at my remarks, 
 gentlemen. I am sorry that I have no talent to enter- 
 tain you as he has, but do not allow my awkwardness 
 to prejudice you against my poor client. Orators, 
 gentlemen, sometimes have poor tastes in the selection 
 of the objects of their eloquence. I am not a warm- 
 hearted man like my friend. I have a weather eye 
 for the main chance and often need money, but if 
 I needed it as the drowning man needs air, I could not 
 filch it from this poor girl. I would rather be a city 
 scavenger, and clean vaults at midnight; I had rather 
 follow the wake of an army and pick the pockets of 
 the slain ; I had rather go among the tombs and steal 
 the reeking shanks of dead men from their shrouds 
 and peddle them to doctors' colleges to get pence or 
 porridge to sustain my miserable carcass than to 
 prostitute what talents a merciful God has given me 
 for the purpose of cheating her out of her hard earned 
 money. But not so with this warm-hearted master of 
 magnificent rhetoric. Even now he is sucking wind 
 nigh to bursting preparing to turn himself wrong side 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 101 
 
 out while strutting as a stool pigeon for the would-be 
 despoiler of this helpless girl. " 
 
 Again Proud appealed to the court for protection 
 and was again refused. His color was now ashen, his 
 lips quivered and he bit them convulsively in his over- 
 powering rage. His opponent continued for half an 
 hour longer in the same manner, and finally closed 
 with these words: 
 
 "You have heard me, gentlemen. What I have said 
 is merely an introduction to his great speech. I am a 
 sort of John the Baptist as it were, in advance of the 
 coming king. Whether he will uncap a volcano or 
 break an egg is beyond my knowledge. But I intro- 
 duce him to you expecting him to deliver the greatest 
 'spread-eagle speech' of his life." 
 
 Mr. Proud then arose and spoke about five minutes, 
 calling his opponent a demagogue, a fool, a blather- 
 skite, and stated that the case on trial was not such 
 as Justified him in attempting any display of his 
 powers. He then closed and left the court room 
 hurriedly. The jury retired and in a few moments 
 returned a verdict against him. Proud was sent for 
 but refused to return to hear the verdict. When the 
 other case came on for trial he let it go by default. 
 
 A thoroughly equipped lawyer should be too thick- 
 skinned to allow ridicule of any kind to irritate him. 
 He should forget himself completely in advocating the 
 cause of his client. The justice of that cause should 
 
102 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 fin his mind with light to the exclusion of all side 
 lights. He wiU then be secure against aU the arts the 
 opposing counsel may employ to confuse or disable 
 him. If on the contrary the trial lawyer thinks mainly 
 of himself and his own popularity and the credit which 
 he is winning for himself, his senses are liable to be 
 lost in the fog which may be raised by the breath of 
 the opposing counsel. 
 
CHAPTER Xm 
 
 Honesty 
 
 'TPHE charge of dishonesty has been so frequently 
 made against lawyers that it may be almost con- 
 sidered a proverb, and yet, it is certain that no other 
 class of men is so implicitly trusted without bonds or 
 security; and none has a greater opportunity to profit 
 by corruption and escape discovery. Nor is there any- 
 where a greater temptation to use trickery and de- 
 ception for success than in the practice of the law. 
 Considering the number of persons who practice dis- 
 honesty for personal profit in other vocations it would 
 be a wonder if the legal profession were not tainted. 
 This subject is large enough for a volume but we must 
 confine our comments to an ordinary chapter and 
 notice a few of the common faults of lawyers in this 
 respect hoping to accomplish a lasting good to the 
 profession. 
 
 First: The lawyer should certainly be honest with 
 his client at all times and under all circumstances. 
 He should not assure his client of success or even give 
 his opinion that success is probable until he has ex- 
 hausted all available sources of knowledge on which he 
 should base that opinion. The client comes to 
 103 
 
104 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 the lawyer as an expert, implicitly trusting and accept- 
 ing him as a guide and he should respond to this trust 
 by thoroughly fitting himself to do his best. How 
 many lawyers do this? Do not many take the state- 
 ment of the client and their general knowledge of 
 law as their guide and make an impromtu guess, 
 nailing it down with the assurance that the client 
 has a "good case" and is sure to succeed? Often 
 indeed have men and women embarked in litigation 
 upon assurances so formed and been led to their ruin. 
 In making assurances based upon such small infor- 
 mation the lawyer is guilty of gross negligence, in- 
 competency or positive dishonesty. Also it is the 
 duty of the lawyer to conduct his client's business 
 with as little loss to the client as possible. He should 
 not prolong it to increase his ovm compensation or 
 that of his friends. He should not discoiu'age a 
 settlement when one is advisable. The interest of 
 his client should be his compass. How many lawyers 
 are there who observe this duty in its fullness? Per- 
 haps not many prolong litigation to increase their 
 own compensation, but more are not diligent in trying 
 to settle the litigation that is profitable to them. Still 
 more neglect preparation where the chent is unable 
 to pay for the work. A lawyer should not charge an 
 unreasonable fee. The client trusts the lawyer to 
 determine the amount of services necessary to be 
 rendered and to fix the price therefor. So intimate is 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 105 
 
 this relation between attorney and client and so kindly 
 disposed are clients toward their lawyers that they 
 often submit to excessive charges without complaint. 
 Some lawyers take advantage of this trust; they ex- 
 aggerate the importance of their services and exact 
 excessive compensation where they think it will be 
 borne by the client without strife. The self-interest 
 of the attorney may lead him unconsciously to an 
 inflated notion of his services, but the deliberate 
 attempt of a lawyer to take advantage of the neces- 
 sities of his client and thereby exact what the lawyer 
 knows to be an xmreasonable fee is as bad as burglary 
 and seems worse, for it involves the betrayal of a 
 sacred trust. It is like robbing an insane ward or 
 plundering the estate which a dying man has left in 
 one's possession. 
 
 Second: It is the duty of the lawyer to be honest 
 with the court. The judge depends upon the lawyers 
 for his information. They should aid him by a fair 
 and truthful presentation of the law and facts tending 
 to support their respective sides ; they should furnish 
 him with such arguments as they believe wiU assist 
 him in solving the difl&cult questions involved. If 
 they fail to do this or strive to mislead him relative 
 thereto they make it less likely that he will come to 
 a correct decision. Some lawyers set traps and drag 
 nets to cause the comrt to stumble, in order that the 
 errors he is thus caused to make may be used on 
 
106 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 appeal to reverse the judgment. Some boast of their 
 success in this regard. They accept emplo)Tnent on 
 the wrong side when they believe or know their client 
 is not entitled to any relief whatever and expect to 
 be defeated on the trial. Then to gain time and 
 baffle their adversary they induce the court to make 
 mistakes and use these mistakes to get a new trial 
 thereafter. They thus violate their duty to the court 
 and to the public and become obstructions in the 
 administration of justice. The great zeal which every 
 lawyer has for his client may cause him to exag- 
 gerate unconsciously, but the lawyer who inten- 
 tionally deceives the judge either by false testimony 
 or unfair citations from authorities or by arguments 
 which he believes to be unsound can find no justifica- 
 tion in conscience. How many lawyers are entirely 
 free from fault in this respect? Human nature 
 is weak. The trial lawyer in the management 
 of a great case where the fortune, liberty or life 
 of his client is at stake is fired to such a white 
 heat of zeal to win that it is very difficult for him 
 to be perfectly honest, fair, frank, and truthful in his 
 dealings with the court. Some very eminent law 
 writers and judges have gone so far as to justify the 
 undertaking of defences which the advocate knows to 
 be spurious. It is said that the great Roman lawyer 
 Cicero contended that the lawyer should be prepared 
 to advocate either side with equal zeal and effect. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 107 
 
 This question opens a great field for discussion and 
 much may be said pro and con. The scope of this 
 volume will not permit an extended disquisition, 
 but the writer can not bring himself to believe that 
 any lawyer should ever advocate a proposition which 
 he does not believe to be sound, or try to induce the 
 court to render what he considers a false judgment. 
 In doing so he not only debases his own mind but if 
 he succeeds he pollutes the Fountain of Justice. 
 Until the lawyer is convinced that the client has 
 some rights under the law on the basis of truth 
 he should not undertake his case and if at any stage 
 of the proceedings he discovers that he has been 
 mislead in this particular he should withdraw and 
 the cause be advocated if at all by some one who does 
 believe it to be just. This might occasion some delay 
 and inconvenience but it would be far better than 
 having a member of the legal profession become the 
 dishonest advocate of and partner in a judicial crime. 
 Third: It is the duty of the lawyer not to deceive 
 or mislead the jury. These men often unlearned, 
 inexperienced and impulsive are easier deceived and 
 misled than the experienced judge. They are more 
 responsive to appeals for sympathy or to prejudice. 
 They may be swayed by sallies of wit or stampeded by 
 furious denunciation and the trained orator having 
 the last speech may cause them to forget the evidence, 
 disregard the instructions of the court and decide the 
 
108 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 case upon his frantic appeal. The peculiar sus- 
 ceptibility of this body to such influences makes it the 
 duty of the lawyer to be particularly careful in what 
 he says or does before them. If he has a just cause 
 which he expects to win upon the law, and relies 
 only on truthful evidence, there is no reason why he 
 should not keep the minds of the jury clear from im- 
 proper influences or any distracting matter. If he 
 has not such a case he should not appear at all. How 
 frequently have lawyers erred in this respect? In 
 many cases tried before a jury the over zealous advo- 
 cate has resorted to every device he could employ 
 for fanning the passions and prejudices of the jury 
 and leading their minds away from the evidence and 
 law as laid down by the court. He has tried to destroy 
 the credit of the opposing party and his witnesses by 
 unfair assaults upon their characters, inuendoes, sneers 
 and sarcastic utterances and at the same time he has 
 flattered the jury, courted their acquaintance, and 
 striven by smiles and fawning to win their favor. 
 Many lawyers have thus vied with each other in their 
 efforts to mislead the jury. This practice has been 
 encouraged by the pubUc. Lawyers who have 
 attained the greatest skill in it have been held in the 
 highest esteem and paid the largest compensation. 
 They have been frequently employed in doubtful 
 cases or those that have had no merit because it was 
 believed that they could thus mislead the jury. The 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 109 
 
 literature of our nation contains many allusions to 
 triumphs thus obtained. Histories and biographies 
 of prominent lawyers parade the practice as worthy of 
 emulation. But how, we ask in all sincerity, can a 
 thinking mind justify such a practice which debases 
 and perverts the administration of justice at its very 
 fountain head and makes the trial of a case an un- 
 certain farce depending upon dishonesty and deception 
 instead of on a dignified and honest effort to arrive 
 at the exact truth. The lawyer who thus misuses 
 his powers becomes debased to an extreme degree 
 and after a few years' experience in this line becomes 
 so accustomed to falsehood and dishonest advocacy 
 that he no longer has any respect for the truth. He 
 becomes a peddler of false wares, a trafiicker in lies, a 
 hired slanderer, and the agent of any scoimdrel who 
 has sufficient money to pay him for his self-abasement. 
 Fourth: A lawyer should also be honest with his 
 opponents. A lawsuit is sometimes regarded like a 
 dog fight governed by no rules of honor which either 
 party is required to respect. This is a mistake. 
 Even warfare has its code of honor. It is not con- 
 sidered proper to use poisoned bullets or to contrive 
 the defeat of an enemy by counterfeiting its money, 
 or by killing prisoners. No kind of combat between 
 civilized persons is without some rules which neither 
 party can transgress without disgrace. The lawsuit 
 is an intellectual battle but it is a battle for justice. 
 
110 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 Who takes part in it should do so because he wishes 
 justice. 
 
 Justice has ever been considered by noble men as 
 the most precious thing in all this world; so valuable 
 that even life itself may be freely given to obtain it. 
 In its name the greatest and the best have cheerfully 
 become mart)TS and gone to the gates of death as 
 to a banquet. What then should be said of that 
 villain who asserts that he is striving for justice and 
 yet violates her precepts while engaged in the strife. 
 "Who seeks equity must do equity" is a maxim of the 
 court of conscience, and it is certainly the duty of the 
 lawyer to deal justly and fairly with his opponent. 
 He may not disclose to him the sources of his strength. 
 He may "not strew flowers in his way, but he should 
 not use false pretences, trickery or deception to prevent 
 him from fully and fairly presenting his side of the 
 case. The lawyer who understands his case and 
 beheves it to be just has no need to use falsehood or 
 chicanery and if he does he unnecessarily stains what 
 would otherwise be a clean record with corrupt matter 
 and endangers his just cause by giving it a bad ap- 
 pearance. No appeal is stronger than an appeal to 
 conscience. So powerful is it that even rogues are 
 moved by it, and just men listening to it catch glimpses 
 of the divine image. A knave is flattered when his 
 conscience is appealed to and thus is made friendly 
 by the plea. Other things being equal the strongest 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 111 
 
 lawyer before the coxirt or jury from the Justice of 
 the Peace to the nation's highest court is the one who 
 makes the clearest show of good faith in behalf of 
 himself and his client, from the inception to the con- 
 clusion of the case; who never says or does a thing 
 containing the slightest appearance of falsehood or 
 unfairness to anyone; who treats the judge as if he 
 had confidence in his intelhgence and integrity; who 
 treats the jury as if he expected them to justly and 
 fairly discharge their duty; who treats the witnesses 
 as if he desired them to tell the truth and was satisfied 
 when they did; who treats his opponent as if he wished 
 to give him a full opportunity to present all the facts 
 and law on his side of the case. Such a lawyer may 
 occasionally lose, for such is the weakness of human 
 institutions that even a just cause may be sometimes 
 lost, and the just man after he has done his best to 
 ascertain the truth may be mistaken in his judgment. 
 But such an honest presentation will usually win; 
 and win much oftener than any presentation encum- 
 bered with the appearance of unfairness or falsehood. 
 But leaving out all questions of policy, a fair and 
 truthful presentation is the only one that can be con- 
 sistently tolerated in a court of justice. -If it is wrong 
 for a plaintiff to try to collect a fraudulent claim, 
 it is wrong for a defendant to present a spurious de- 
 fence; if it is wrong for the parties themselves to 
 seek to defraud each other and resort to the courts for 
 
112 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 that purpose it is equally wrong for a lawyer to aid 
 either of them in such an attempt. An honest 
 purpose may be assumed for a time and some be de- 
 ceived by it, but this part can not be so successfully 
 acted as to long deceive many persons. There are 
 rents in the garments of the false pretender which 
 open in spite of him and constantly expose to the 
 keen eye of the observer his real purpose. Observe 
 the advocate who has undertaken a cause which he 
 knows to be unjust; note his proceedings from the 
 inception to the conclusion of his case, and you will 
 find, on every paper that he draws, the finger marks 
 of his corrupt purpose. His claim or defence will 
 be stated with undue verbosity. If for the plaintiff, 
 his claim will be stated in many counts, setting forth 
 the cause of action in different ways, making it un- 
 certain what the real ground is. If for the defendant, 
 he pleads many inconsistent pleas, most of which are 
 manifestly false and fictitious. During the trial he is 
 constantly objecting and taking exceptions hoping 
 to involve the record in error. His speeches are 
 stuffed with pretences of honesty and appeals to the 
 jury to be fair to his "honest" client, to believe his 
 "honest" witnesses, and thus by much protesting he 
 strives to cover his fraudulent tracks until he has left 
 hummocks over them. He smiles, smirks, and plays 
 the courtier; he struts, swaggers and bluffs; he be- 
 smears the opposing party and his witnesses with 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 113 
 
 venomous matter, he decorates his own client and 
 witnesses with angelic plumage. He affects great 
 piety and calls upon Deity vociferously. He appeals 
 for sympathy and makes an unseemly parade of what 
 he claims to be the sufferings of his client. He scatters 
 his argument and interjects all kinds of sophistry. 
 He tries to be witty and flowery. He seeks a personal 
 controversy with the opposing attorney. He lugs 
 into the record matters which have no bearing 
 upon the case and from start to finish tries to cloud 
 the atmosphere of the case with doubt, suspicion and 
 confusion. Nor does he exhibit his corrupt purpose 
 in the conduct of the case alone. You can see it in 
 his wandering eye, you can detect it in his uneasy, 
 shifting manner. Even the tone of his voice has a 
 hoUowness that tells the practiced ear that he is 
 conscious of a criminal intent. On the contrary, note 
 the conduct of the lawyer who believes that he has a 
 just cause and that the law and the facts will fully 
 sustain it. Notice the direct manner with which he 
 states his claim, or defence ; how clear, few and exact 
 the expressions which he uses. Without bluster or 
 parade and at the proper time he states what he claims 
 the facts to be, — not clouding with extravagant 
 phraseology the plain facts of his statement nor con- 
 cealing by pretences of ignorance or lack of prepara- 
 tion the matters which he expects to prove. Ob- 
 serve how ready he is to admit that which he knows to 
 
114 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 be trae, how few are his objections and exceptions; 
 how short and terse and to the point are his arguments; 
 how free from rhetorical flourishes, attempts at wit, 
 appeals to passion, or statements of flattery are his 
 addresses to the court and jury. But more than aU 
 this, observe his personal appearance and the expres- 
 sion of his countenance. He may not have the power- 
 ful form of Achilles; his brow may be wrinkled with 
 the cares of anxious years; his eyes may lack luster 
 from long years of study; his shoulders may be stooped 
 and shrunken; his form may be crippled by toil or 
 disease ; he may be physically as frail as consumption 
 going down hill to the grave; but there will shine 
 from his face a holy light, which will convince all 
 who see it that an honest man has appealed to a court 
 of his country to establish a just cause. The wrongs 
 of his client require no palaver, they are beetled upon 
 his brow. His firm faith in the justice of his cause 
 flashes from his eyes, and there is an invisible psychic 
 power which comes from the very soul of things that 
 drives his words into the hearts of men and wins them 
 to his cause. An honest purpose is the essence of 
 eloquence. 
 
 The lawyer should excel all other men in his love 
 of truth and his enthusiasm for the right. None others 
 are so closely allied with these as he and to none 
 others is their importance made so apparent. That 
 the time will come when he will place them higher 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 115 
 
 than all other considerations I firmly believe. The 
 fact that he does not always do so now is an offspring 
 of that erroneous supposition, that the lawyer is 
 everybody's dog, who must respond to the call of any 
 scoundrel whose misdeeds have placed his life or 
 liberty in jeopardy. 
 
 A person charged with crime should be able to 
 convince an honest lawyer that he has in truth legal 
 rights, before any court is called upon to try them. If 
 he can not do this he should plead for mercy to the 
 pardoning power and not place upon the public the 
 expense of conducting a trial wherein a guilty person 
 by tricks and false pretences is but trying to outwit 
 the court into giving a false verdict. 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 Physical and Spiritual Development 
 
 PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT.— Industry is be- 
 coming yearly more essential in the practice of 
 the law. So many and complicated are the subjects 
 which require investigation, so nice and exact the 
 technical points to be decided, so numerous the de- 
 cisions, statutes and constitutions that bear upon the 
 questions in issue, so frequent the changes and 
 modifications in the law, that the lawyer must of aU 
 men be the most active and alert. Many fail in this 
 respect. Study and meditation tend to produce 
 physical inactivity, and cause the professional man 
 to shrink from physical exertion and depend upon 
 others to wait upon him until he accumulates much 
 adipose tissue about his vital organs. From this 
 physical laziness comes a lack of mental energy and 
 the lawyer thus afflicted settles into the rut where he 
 can exist with the least exertion bodily and mentally. 
 Thus he inculcates the habit of acting upon mere 
 impressions and intuitions and does most imperfect 
 work. This condition comes partly from a false 
 pride and dignity derived from ancient customs. 
 Those high in authority and those possessing riches 
 116 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 117 
 
 have usually kept many servants ready to answer at 
 call and obey their directions. The professional man 
 who can afiord it has imitated these habits and this 
 has done much toward degenerating the individual. 
 From it has come the notion that every one should be a 
 specialist prepared for some particuar work and none 
 other, so that even the poor in the most common de- 
 partments of human industry assume a kind of rank 
 or class out of which they are not willing to depart. 
 The legal profession has been afflicted with this folly. 
 When lawyers to preserve their bodily health, find 
 some physical activity necessary instead of exercising 
 their bodies in the duties of their profession they often 
 indulge in games and out door sports that are quite 
 irrelevant. These give much relief. They often 
 become so attached to these irrelevant sports as 
 to seriously interfere with their professional duties. 
 But some form of physical exercise is indispensable. 
 A descendant of a long line of idlers may inherit a 
 physical structure which will enable him to exist in 
 health and remain inactive, but American lawyers are 
 usually the scions of physical strength. They have 
 inherited bodies adapted to physical exertion and they 
 can not in one generation so reverse the habits of 
 their ancestors as to ignore the needs of the physical 
 structure thus inherited and allow it to atrophy by 
 disuse. Our physical bodies are nourished and 
 maintained only by reasonable use. This physical 
 
118 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 exertion must either be had in the discharge of the 
 duties of the profession or be obtained in some ex- 
 traneous, artificial, or irrelevant, practice. He will 
 be the best lawyer who can combine physical and 
 mental exercise in the discharge of the duties of his 
 profession, and has accumulated no false dignity 
 which prevents him from doing anything that is neces- 
 sary to be done. He will thus keep his muscles free 
 from excessive fat and ready for use and take delight 
 in performing any useful service. By thus combining 
 expert bodily activity with a keen and alert mind he 
 becomes more than a match for any lawyer who 
 must be waited on in everything and abstains from 
 physical exertion until he is so fat he has dif&culty to 
 move about. To the man thus evenly developed, 
 physical activity and mental exertion will be both a 
 pleasure and his professional labor a delight, while 
 the lawyer physically dormant will soon dread 
 all exertion mental as well as physical and finally 
 become so lazy that every duty will distress him. He 
 will acquire fatty degeneration of the heart and a 
 similar degeneration of the brain and finally become 
 unfit for his professional duties. 
 
 Spiritual Development. — Surely none have 
 greater need of spiritual development than the lawyer. 
 He should be religious in the highest sense. By reli- 
 gion I mean a sincere consciousness of an obligation 
 to the management of the universe which transcends all 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 119 
 
 other ties ; a conviction that conscious life is given as a 
 trust to be discharged by working for the betterment 
 of all, for the development and perfection of the whole 
 according to one's highest ideal. It is the militant 
 spirit which regards birth as a call to arms in the 
 Divine service, from which the faithful soldier will 
 never be mustered out. This thought inspires the 
 upward glance, unscales the eye of faith, produces 
 that inflexible courage which remains undaunted under 
 the most trying ordeals, and with prophetic eye sees 
 beyond the mists of doubt and chance to the final 
 triumph of the eternal right. 'Tis rehgion has been 
 the inspiration and support of the greatest in all ages, 
 the authors, poets, painters, soldiers, statesmen, philos- 
 ophers and martyrs. But nowhere is it more useful 
 than in the legal profession. Without it the well 
 trained lawyer wiU often give way under the disap- 
 pointment and disaster that threatens to o'erwhelm 
 him. This religion may not make one conventional, 
 nor scrupulous in ceremonial rites. A man may 
 possess it and be profane. He may fail to observe 
 any or all of the established rehgious practices of his 
 time and country. He may not connect himself with 
 any of the institutions for the propagation of religious 
 doctrine. He may regard the creed of his fellow 
 citizens as fallacious or absurd, and yet have a faith 
 that gives strength to withstand the storms of mis- 
 fortune, live for the benefit of humanity and die in 
 
120 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 the consciousness of duty well done. But it is better 
 that the lawyer familiarize himself with the religious 
 faith of his contemporaries, their customs, rites, and 
 usuages and if he can not conscientiously practice them 
 he should not needlessly antagonize them or show 
 them disrespect. They appear true to his fellow 
 citizens and adapted to their natures, and are sacred 
 in their eyes. As the wise traveler in foreign climes 
 adopts so far as he may the wearing apparel, customs 
 and manners of the people with whom he associates 
 so will the wise lawyer facilitate his journey in his 
 profession by conforming as far as he can con- 
 sistently to the practices and customs of the society 
 in which he moves. Of course he must be honest, 
 and cannot be a hypocrite without degradation. 
 But most of the manners and customs of mankind 
 are indifferent in moral significance. Their chief 
 merit lies in the fact that they are established and 
 thereby they constitute a part of the order of society. 
 Such for illustration is the custom of turning to the 
 right in some coimtries and turning to the left in 
 others. If both persons turn to the right they pass 
 without collision, but if one turns to the right and the 
 other to the left, they collide and obstruct each other. 
 There is however no moral reason why it should not 
 be as correct to turn in one direction as another, except 
 that the structure of organized society requires some 
 custom and the established one becomes the one 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 121 
 
 necessary to be obeyed. By thus observing the estab- 
 lished order, social life moves in music like a good 
 dancer in the dance and the product is the hap- 
 piness of all. 
 
 Many lawyers lack religion as here defined. They 
 feel no obligation to promote the cause of righteous- 
 ness. They stand ready to sacrifice the just rights of 
 persons, communities, and even the government 
 that they may wear the gaudy plumage of present 
 riches. They will sell the liberties and even the lives 
 of their fellow citizens and fashion shackles to torture 
 millions yet unborn, if they can receive the golden 
 drippings from such nefarious schemes. They will 
 descend to depths of self-abasement almost beyond 
 belief. No greed besotted slave of Mammon ever 
 had a scheme so vile, so desperate, so fraught with 
 human woe, so deaf to decency and pity, that he could 
 not find a lawyer, yes, some trained and learned 
 member of the bar who would for a fee share in this 
 infamous design. No talent, learning or skill, will 
 make a righteous lawyer. That religion only will do 
 it which puts the right above all other motives. This 
 quahty is the spiritual crown of the good man and 
 whether he be a king upon a throne or a serf in a slave- 
 pen, if he has it he has a great soul and is capable 
 of becoming an efficient worker anywhere. He is a 
 solid plank in the ship of state ; but if he has it not 
 he can not be safely used in any place. 
 
CHAPTER XV 
 
 Some Common Errors 
 
 The Self-Reference Error 
 
 TTXAMINE the orations which have come down 
 ■*-^ to us, political, religious, scholastic, or scientific 
 and you will find them replete with references made 
 by the speaker to himself, sometimes garrulous but 
 usually in self -commendation. Go into the pulpit, 
 the rostrum, or the legal forum and listen to the ad- 
 dresses of the most noted speakers and you will hear 
 many such references. One would suppose that a 
 lawyer of experience who has an antagonist ready to 
 expose and magnify his weak points would be less 
 likely to indulge this practice than others, yet in every 
 court in the land and even before the most august 
 court in the nation, the battle-scarred veterans of the 
 bar, speaking under a time limit in cases of the 
 greatest importance, where every word is precious, 
 introduce themselves in evidence and discuss their 
 own personalities when attempting to discuss questions 
 of law. This practice sometimes crops out in printed 
 briefs. Can there be any doubt of its folly? The 
 personal character of the speaker, his likes and dis- 
 122 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 123 
 
 likes, the extent of his experience, his family or political 
 relations, are entirely out of place. Is not all self- 
 laudation odious and self-depreciation foolish? Do 
 not these references unnecessarily consume the time 
 of the court and distract the attention from the real 
 points in question as well as weary the listener? That 
 lawyer will be the most effective who can rivet the 
 attention of the court and jury to the pivotal question 
 in the case and bring their attention in the clearest and 
 best manner to the most convincing facts tending to 
 establish his theory. 
 
 The Personal Abuse Error 
 
 Closely connected with the self-reference error 
 is the practice of abusing the adversary. The lawyer 
 who parades his own personality for emulation is 
 almost certain to defame his adversary. Few indeed 
 are the lawyers who argue cases without some scurril- 
 ous reference to the opposing lawyer and many in- 
 clude the opposite party and all his witnesses, unless 
 perchance some witness has aided his side and then 
 he substitutes fulsome flattery for scurrility. The 
 personal character of the opposing coimsel is not 
 germane to the discussion and all aspersions against 
 the character of the opposite party and his witnesses 
 not supported by the evidence can only excite pre- 
 judice and mislead a weak-minded judge or jury. 
 They rarely accomplish their object and when they 
 
124 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 do are vicious to a high degree, and the attempt 
 should always be considered as bad as an efiort to 
 bribe the jury. It is to be hoped the time will come 
 when these twin rehcs of barbarism, laudation of 
 self and defamation of opponents, will no longer dis- 
 grace the forum, when the mind of the advocate will 
 be sufficiently trained to discuss the real questions 
 without entangling them with venomous matter. 
 
 The Flattery Error 
 
 The use of flattery as a device for obtaining results 
 is well nigh universal. By tickling the vanity of the 
 victim his intellect is put to sleep and he becomes an 
 easy prey. The success of this device depends upon 
 the susceptibility of the victim to such blandishments 
 and the skill and judgment with which this form of 
 sedative is applied. In some degree most persons are 
 subject to this influence, although all admit such com- 
 ments should have no effect whatever in forming a 
 judgment on any proposition of fact or law. Refer- 
 ence to the personality of the judicial officer, whether 
 a Judge or juror, should therefore be considered 
 offensive because irrelevant, and being used to take 
 advantage of a supposed weakness is a reflection upon 
 the intelligence of the officer. How frequendy do 
 lawyers of high standing and wide experience use 
 this device when addressing Judges and jurors and 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 125 
 
 how often are these tribunals cajoled thereby. If 
 the time shall ever come when persons shall have 
 acquired such mental acuteness that they will consider 
 the questions under discussion, and those only, good 
 men will refrain from such devices and knaves will 
 see the folly of them. Then we will no longer hear 
 the public speaker begin his address by expressing his 
 delight at meeting such an intelligent audience, the 
 legislator will not refer to his "learned opponent," 
 and the lawyer will not descant upon the integrity 
 or intelligence of the jury or the learning and fairness 
 of his Honor upon the bench. 
 
 Impassioned Eloquence Error 
 
 Since suitors have been represented by advocates 
 it has been customary for these advocates to appeal 
 to the feelings and passions of the court. The law 
 student is often referred to the passionate orations of 
 Grecian, Roman and English lawyers, as models of 
 forensic eloquence. Thus his youthful mind has 
 acquired the idea that to become a great lawyer he 
 must be a master of the art of "stirring men's blood. " 
 When he begins his practice he soon finds that his 
 standing at the bar and with his client depends upon 
 his capacity to make such appeals. 
 
 There never was a time in a government of law when 
 such appeals were truly in order. The Enghsh and 
 American laws forbid the deciding of a case on accoimt 
 
126 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 of passion or prejudice by either courts or juries and 
 verdicts are often set aside when it appears that they 
 have been so obtained. Jurors are charged to re- 
 frain from any sympathy with either party or bias 
 in favor or against either side. The surest means 
 of reaching an accurate judgment is to keep the mind 
 entirely free from any feelings in favor of or against 
 either party. No person is ever assisted in forming 
 a correct judgment by having his emotions harrowed 
 up by passionate appeals. On the contrary, he is 
 likely to be prevented from giving the matter an intelli- 
 gent and impartial consideration. What the law is 
 in a given case is a matter of fact which can not be 
 varied in the slightest degree by any passionate appeal. 
 What the truth is on anydisputed point in the evidence 
 is another fact which no amount of enthusiasm can 
 alter. The only effect these oratorical pyrotechnics 
 can have upon the decisions of law or disputed ques- 
 tions of fact is pernicious. Why then are they indulged 
 in by able and conscientious lawyers? Why then are 
 they permitted by the court? Why do the general 
 public endorse such efforts? If jurors are not allowed 
 to consider them why should lawyers be permitted 
 to make them? 
 
 Before human government had crystallized into a 
 system of positive law cases were decided upon pubUc 
 sentiment, or the notion the tribunal had of justice. 
 Such appeals may have then been applicable as they 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 127 
 
 are now applicable in legislative bodies where the 
 law is being enacted or in appeals to the pardoning 
 power, or to the judge when called upon to fix a 
 sentence. But where the inquiry is merely what is 
 the law and what are the facts such appeals have no 
 place. They are inconsistent with logic and the sound 
 administration of legal justice and should be aban- 
 doned. The fact that such appeals are permitted 
 and relied upon has greatly diminished the quantity of 
 legal learning. Instead of diligently examining the 
 decisions and statutes to ascertain the state of the 
 law the advocate counts upon his capacity to befog the 
 court and jury. He cudgels his imagination for 
 pathetic and venomous matter and stuffs his mind 
 in preparation for fireworks, hoping to dazzle his 
 auditors, wring their hearts and drive them to his 
 side by storms of indignation against his opponents. 
 He also neglects to investigate all the surrounding 
 circumstances and to produce in evidence all the 
 facts which tend to support his case, preferring to 
 rely upon extraneous matter and the products of 
 his imagination to procure a decision. There has 
 been some progress in this practice for the better in 
 recent years. The old style orators are rapidly 
 passing, and when the pernicious character of this 
 rhetoric is fully realized the court may not be so 
 interesting to onlookers but it will come nearer giving 
 accurate judgments. 
 
128 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 The BoASxrao Error 
 Those who have taken part in contests of any kind 
 requiring physical or mental excellence often waste 
 much time in telling their experiences. The soldier 
 who took part in a thrilling exploit in his youth may 
 spend much of the remainder of his life in talking 
 about this experience and thus his honorable action be 
 made a great tax upon his energies for the balance 
 of his days Travelers who have encountered a 
 perilous journey and some who have had journeys 
 which were not perilous, have for years afterwards 
 consumed much of the time of their friends and 
 acquaintances in telling over and over again what 
 they have encountered. Persons who have held a 
 prominent office frequently find it necessary after- 
 wards to revert back to the fact when it is immaterial 
 to the subject under discussion. The experiences 
 of the lawyer ought to do much toward curbing this 
 disposition. His training and acute knowledge of 
 human nature should make him aware of its waste 
 of time and annoyance to others and the bad taste 
 thus exhibited. But does it? A large proportion 
 of the ablest and best trained lawyers are guilty of this 
 folly. Clients, friends, casual acquaintances and 
 even persons just introduced are asked to listen to 
 the details of victories in court, statements of shrewd 
 plans laid, and smart things said and applause gained. 
 So common has this vice of boasting and self -laudation 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 129 
 
 become among successful lawyers that but few persons 
 enjoy their society. It would not seem so bad if these 
 blowers of their own horns would pause for a few 
 moments and peacefully listen while the other fellow 
 has a chance to blow his horn, but they become very 
 uneasy and much distressed whenever anybody else 
 attempts to indulge in the same practice. Thus they 
 exhibit the common feelings of mankind, for people 
 generally do not relish the boasting even of their 
 friends. These emanations are either a species of 
 cheap advertising or external manifestations of con- 
 ceit and vainglory and they are usually unreliable. 
 It is generally known that the one who brags of his 
 own exploits rarely tells the exact truth. The lauda- 
 tion of self is also oppressive upon the person who 
 must listen, for he is under a constant strain to main- 
 tain his own individuality against the towering 
 picture that the blowhard draws of himself and if he 
 can not do this he is depressed by a feeling of self- 
 depreciation. Life is short even with the most 
 fortunate and the brief time allotted ought to be 
 used for some more beneficent purpose than that 
 of boasting or listening to someone else boast. The 
 wise person acts and lets the action speak for itself 
 while he acts again trying to make each act more 
 worthy of emulation than the one which preceded it. 
 It is the foolish who having done something creditable 
 make the fact of its performance a curse to themselves 
 
130 FOIBLES OF THE BAB, 
 
 and humanity by forever afterwards advertising and 
 exalting it. 
 
 The Error of Predicting Future Events 
 
 The prophet has always been abroad in the land. 
 Where there is the least knowledge there is the greatest 
 taste for prophecy. Future events ordinarily depend 
 upon so many unknown causes that none can foretell 
 what will happen to a certainty, and yet there are 
 multitudes willing to pay for these guesses and rely 
 upon them. None know better than the lawyer how 
 foolish it is to predict the result of a lawsuit; that all 
 controversies depending upon the opinion of the court 
 relative to questions of law or fact are always doubt- 
 ful until the court of last resort has denied the petition 
 for a rehearing. Yet there are many lawyers who 
 predict results in lawsuits to their clients, the general 
 public and to their friends. In dealing with their 
 antagonists they also vauntingly prophesy their own 
 success. Thus [they quiet their own nerves, lull their 
 cUents into inactivity and cause them to base their 
 future transactions upon these predictions. When 
 defeat comes these prophets collapse or become dis- 
 tracted and the client experiences a shock which dis- 
 gusts him with the courts and prevents him from 
 appealing the suit. If the lawyer instead of predicting 
 success had properly explained the uncertainty of the 
 result and thus prepared his client for disaster, the 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 131 
 
 defeat would not have been such a catastrophe. If 
 the client had realized how much the result depended 
 upon his own exertions he would have made a greater 
 effort in preparation and might have won. The 
 lawyer deals with practical matters, the issue of which 
 depends upon his wisdom, preparation, and skill in 
 the management of his forces. He loses time and 
 credit, and wastes his energies when he assumes fore- 
 knowledge. He should leave the field of prophecy to 
 clairvoyants, fortune tellers and mystics. 
 
 The Error of the Story-Telling Habit 
 
 It is usual to tell stories in public speeches. Even 
 where the proposition is so plain that it needs no 
 illustration, a story is often told for the pretended 
 purpose of illustration. Some speakers have ac- 
 quired renown as orators whose addresses were but a 
 series of stories joined together with but slight connec- 
 tion, the stories being used not to illustrate the sub- 
 ject pretended to be discussed, but the subject itself 
 a mere incident selected to accommodate the string 
 of stories which are told. Where the object is enter- 
 tainment and those entertained have no serious pur- 
 pose, these stories aid in passing an idle hour, but in 
 court where the time is precious and the business 
 urgent, story telling except in extreme cases is out of 
 place. Such stories are usually far-fetched, and 
 
132 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 generally fictitious and misleading and are intended 
 to tickle the fancy and distract the attention, instead 
 of instructing the mind. The teller of funny stories 
 will usually draw a crowd who give but small atten- 
 tion to his subject. They think principally of the 
 speaker and the stories they expect him to tell, and 
 the speaker feels under bonds to be funny and smart 
 to meet this expectation of his audience. He 
 becomes self-conscious to a high degree and is pre- 
 vented from making a close argument. The time 
 during which any listener can concentrate his 
 mind upon a subject is short. The minds of the 
 best listeners are likely to wander after they have 
 listened one hour. The majority are unable to endure 
 the strain that long. The advocate should avoid 
 scattering and come at once to the pivotal point in the 
 case, improving the moments when the Judge and 
 jury are the most responsive. These moments are 
 at the beginning of his address. He should reach the 
 gist of the controversy quickly and avoid everything 
 tending to distract attention and should hold his 
 listeners to the subject under discussion. He should 
 plainly and clearly present the facts and the reasons 
 that support his theory. It is far better that his 
 hearers adopt his views than that they think him an 
 amusing orator on the wrong side. Occasionally a 
 startling incident may be used to fix a point in the 
 minds of the jury. There are other places where the 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 133 
 
 mind stocked with stories may display its exhibit. 
 Those who indulge the practice of telling stories usu- 
 ally become addicted to it to an unreasonable degree. 
 Lawyers while in counsel with a client become garru- 
 lous, waste his time and their own and as age increases 
 they become story telling bores repeating over and 
 over again the same old yarns to the same person, 
 and peddle familiar tales which have become a part 
 of the folklore of the community. 
 
 The days when the practicing lawyer had time to 
 tell stories for the amusement of the idle crowd in the 
 courts, on the street corners, and in hotel lobbies and 
 yet keep posted in his profession have passed away. 
 If we knew more about the eminent men in the last 
 generation who spent their time in that manner we might 
 find that they were not so learned in the law as their 
 reputations would seem to indicate. In those days 
 there were but few reports and treatises and they 
 relied upon the light of nature, and the good will of 
 the court and jury for success. The profession now 
 must use a great and ever increasing library of 
 authorities, statutes and scientific books. Lawyers 
 are now likely to see justice many times miscarry if 
 they do not become familiar with the books that 
 treat upon the subjects in controversy. Loose, 
 scattering remarks and long winded tales must give 
 way to accurate and precise statements supported by 
 creditable evidence and authorities. 
 
134 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 Errors in Gesticulation 
 The lawyer usually speaks "off hand" and uses 
 both his hands, arms and sometimes his feet and legs 
 in so doing. Sometimes he threshes the fleeing air 
 with his clenched fists; at others he hammers the 
 table in front of him until it groans with discomfort. 
 Often he clasps his hands together and chops the 
 atmosphere between him and the jury, or separates his 
 hands and swings his arms like flails, or works them as 
 pump handles. Sometimes he may cause one hand to 
 skim like a swallow while the other coquettishly 
 caresses his coat tails. Occasionally he bores the palm 
 of his left hand with the index finger of his right or 
 pounds the aforesaid palm with his clenched fist. He 
 often shakes his head like an enraged bull fighting a 
 red flag; or he paces back and forth before the jury, 
 increasing his speed according to the rapidity of his 
 utterances. All these and many other grotesque and 
 absurd gestures are supposed to aid his argument in 
 some way. But they do not. They are mere manner- 
 isms which wear out his strength and tend to make 
 him appear ridiculous. They show that the speaker 
 has lost, or is losing his head, that he has worked him- 
 self into an unnatural mental state which is expressing 
 itself in these unusual antics and gyrations of his 
 physical body. 
 
 Error in Using the Voice 
 Nor are the gestures employed by the jury lawyer 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 135 
 
 more absurdly ridiculous than the tones of voice he 
 uses when delivering his address. The jury are 
 seldom more than a few feet from the speaker, often 
 so near that they could hear him if he whispered, yet 
 the lawyer sometimes talks so loud that he can be 
 heard for a block. Some of his methods of emphasis 
 are to yell like an Indian, to scream like a screech 
 owl, or to growl like a grizzly bear. Sometimes he 
 strikes the key of the donkey's bray, or whines like 
 the mourning whang-doodle. At others he howls like 
 a hound on a fox's trail. Sometimes he lifts his voice 
 to the roof of his mouth and croons a lullaby and then 
 lets it fall until it seems to issue forth from a cellar. 
 Often a sing-song semi-quaver lulls the jury to momen- 
 tary repose from which they are aroused by a rasping 
 gutteral squeak that grates upon their ears and nearly 
 sets them crazy. 
 
 Many speakers soon after starting reach a monotone 
 pitched about three notes above the ordinary talking 
 key and hold the pitch without variation until the end 
 of their address. This has a most soporific effect upon 
 the court and jury and makes them wish for a bed 
 where they might attain to a state of unconsciousness. 
 Few indeed are those who use common ordinary 
 tones and depend solely upon the ideas conveyed for 
 effect, yet such are the most sensible; they save theif 
 strength, and get the best attention from those they 
 address toward the subject they discuss. They 
 
136 FOIBLES OP THE BAR 
 
 certainly make a much better impression than those 
 who stir themselves into a wild frenzy and exhaust 
 the subject by exhausting themselves ; whose excessive 
 inspiration produces perspiration, until dripping like 
 a drowned rat, they finish or rather collapse into a kind 
 of nervous prostration. 
 
 The Objection Error 
 
 All who have witnessed many trials have been 
 surprised by the practice among attorneys of making 
 prolix, unnecessary and absurd objections. In most 
 jurisdictions there is a rule of law requiring that an 
 error in the decision of the court in admitting testi- 
 mony can not be urged on ajipeal unless an objection 
 is made in the trial and has been overruled and an 
 exception taken. The objection should be an ex- 
 pression of the opinion of the lawyer who makes it 
 that the question or evidence is improper and his 
 exception should be his affirmation of that position 
 after the court has ruled. Good faith on the part of 
 the lawyer should prevent him from making untrue 
 and unnecessary objections and from taking an im- 
 proper exception. Do the lawyers always show good 
 faith toward the court when they fill the record of 
 proceedings with great numbers of exceptions? Do 
 they really believe that all the questions and evidence 
 that they object to are really improper in law and that 
 the court is wrong in every instance where they take 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 137 
 
 exceptions? If they do they are unfamiliar with the 
 most elementary rules of evidence. It seldom occurs 
 that the Judge makes more than half a dozen mistakes 
 in the trial of a case and in most cases these mistakes 
 are not so many and yet, hundreds of objections and 
 exceptions are often taken during a day's trial. 
 Also note the character of the objections. They usually 
 state no grounds whatever, or else they state a great 
 number of grounds most of which are manifestly 
 absurd. Thus does the lawyer show a lack of prepara- 
 tion and understanding of the questions involved and 
 a dense ignorance of the rules of evidence and thus 
 he adopts a blunderbus method of firing into the 
 record every ground of objection he can imagine, 
 hoping by luck or chance to hit something that may 
 aid in getting a reversal of the judgment. 
 
 Where verbatim reports of the proceedings are 
 taken and these are transcribed and made of record, 
 these needless objections make much unnecessary 
 expense to the parties. An advocate should know the 
 rules of evidence, be prepared to make and urge specific 
 objections, and feel himself in honor bound not to 
 encumber the record with objections or exceptions 
 that he has no good ground for lurging. 
 
 The Cross Examination Error 
 
 Much of the time of the court is wasted by unneces- 
 sary cross examination. One party puts a witness 
 
138 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 on the stand and has him detail seriatim all the 
 facts in his recollection, then the other party begins 
 at the beginning of the witness' testimony and has 
 him tell these facts all over again with such additions 
 as may occur to him from further questioning. 
 This is often done when the witness' testimony is not 
 important. The privilege of cross examination is 
 accorded the other side to test the recollection of the 
 witness, refresh his memory, impeach his credit by 
 causing him to make inconsistent statements, and to 
 bring out any other matter within the witness' 
 knowledge pertaining to the subject that may assist 
 the cross examiner. Unless there is ground to suspect 
 that the witness has testified falsely, there is no 
 occasion to cross examine, unless it be suspected that 
 the witness knows other facts which wiU aid the cross 
 examining party. Most cross examinations strengthen 
 the testimony of the witness and emphasize it in the 
 minds of the jury. It requires a very^kiUful cross 
 examiner to expose a liar, especially if he is an intelli- 
 gent one, and when this is done it is by outwitting 
 him into admitting facts which tend to contradict 
 him. If such matter is pressed upon the witness 
 he usually extricates himself from the tangle. The 
 contradiction of a false witness is thus accomplished 
 if at all by a few questions. A lawyer sometimes 
 attempts to break down a witness by a protracted 
 cross examination conducted in an offensive manner 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 139 
 
 and pushed with great rapidity. This sweat-box 
 process is more likely to confuse the truthful witness 
 than the liar and it ought not to be permitted unless 
 in very rare cases where there is something in the 
 manner of the witness or his evidence which gives 
 grounds for suspecting that his testimony is intention- 
 ally false. Persons forced to go to court as witnesses 
 are entitled to decent respect, and treatment worthy 
 of the citizens of a free country. The witness is 
 nobody's cur to be kicked and cuffed about by over 
 zealous lawyers and should in every instance be 
 given a fair chance to tell the truth as he remembers 
 it. When he has told it he should not be brow-beaten 
 and insulted for the purpose of intimidating and con- 
 fusing him. The fact that a liar may sometimes be 
 compelled to tell the truth by this means can not 
 justify the abuse of everybody. The cross examina- 
 tion should be sensible, courteous, and limited to the 
 necessary requirement of a decent and orderly ad- 
 ministration of Justice. This would greatly shorten 
 the length of the trial, reduce the expense incurred 
 and tend to create an atmosphere favorable to a just 
 decision. 
 
 The Repetition Error 
 
 From a remote antiquity the practice has been 
 prevalent of repeating either the same word or words 
 expressing the same meaning for the purpose of em- 
 
140 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 phasis. This practice may have been useful when 
 the human mind was so feeble that it could not grasp 
 an idea by hearing it once stated, or when the mere use 
 of words mustered in formidable array had a thrilling 
 effect without regard to their meaning. In the practice 
 of law we would expect to find less of this unnecessary 
 use of words than elsewhere, because it is a learned 
 profession and many of the words are the names of 
 battle grounds wherein they have acquired a definite 
 significance, and the lawyer's training should make 
 him able to appreciate accurate distinctions. On the 
 contrary there is no department of human learning 
 where repetitions are more common than in the prep- 
 aration of legal documents, pleadings, objections and 
 speeches of lawyers. An illustration is not necessary 
 because there is scarcely a document, speech or plead- 
 ing that can be referred to from the preparation of a 
 common deed, lease or will, to the dehvery of an 
 opinion of the Supreme Court of the United States 
 whereia this practice of repetition is not indulged. 
 This unnecessary verbosity coupled with the use of 
 ponderous and uncommon words to express common- 
 place ideas seems to brand the profession with a lack 
 of precision, or a dehberate desire to hoo-doo the 
 ignorant and unthinking by a kind of incantation or 
 rigmarole of high sounding words. May we not 
 hope for a day to dawn when the facts necessary to be 
 stated in legal proceedings will be set forth in simple, 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 141 
 
 dear and concise language, and all documents be 
 so prepared as to be easily understood by everyone 
 with none of that padding and imnecessary verbiage 
 vs^hich serves no useful purpose and tends to confuse 
 and increase the cost of placing them on the records? 
 
CHAPTER XVI 
 
 A Foil 
 
 'T'HE foregoing is not a complete list of the common 
 errors prevalent in our profession. Every reader 
 will be able to add to it and perhaps suggest char- 
 acters more entitled to consideration than any herein 
 sketched. The limit which the writer planned for 
 this volume has been reached and the reader is proba- 
 bly weary of considering foibles and wishes to read 
 something creditable to the profession. The delinea- 
 tion of the virtues and good qualities which are 
 common at the bar would be a much pleasanter task 
 to the author, but it does not properly belong to the 
 subject, and would probably require a much larger 
 book. Merely as a foil to what has heretofore been 
 viritten we take pleasure in presenting another char- 
 acter. 
 
 Lycurgus Law 
 
 Amid the barren mountains of a coal mining 
 region a babe was born. His birth was considered a 
 calamity, for his parents were very poor and were 
 long past their prime. They had already raised six 
 children all of whom had turned out badly. The 
 142 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 143 
 
 father had no education nor any respect for anyone 
 else who had. He took pride in the fact that he could 
 neither read nor write. Most of his life had been 
 spent in the mines surrounded by dirt and danger, and 
 it was more important for him to endure the cramped 
 posture in which he toiled and accustom his lungs to 
 the powder gases and coal dust than his eyes to the 
 form of letters. The mother however could read and 
 did not share with her spouse his hatred for all book 
 learning. She had taught their children to read in 
 their infancy, and might have done more in this 
 respect had she not become afflicted with chronic 
 dyspepsia and nervous prostration long before Lycur- 
 gus was born. The babe inherited a tendency to his 
 mother's diseases ; had nervous fits in his infancy, and 
 suffered much from indigestion. The mother taught 
 him his letters and how to spell before he was five years 
 of age, and on his fifth birthday he started to school. 
 The next day a snow storm came and be being bare- 
 footed, and his parents lacking the money to provide 
 him with shoes his school days were over. Before the 
 Spring came he had grown large enough to help his 
 mother around the house, and he could not be 
 spared to attend school. So he remained at home 
 until he was twelve. Then he began working with 
 his father in the mine, and imtil he reached his matur- 
 ity was engaged in the hardest and most offensive 
 manual labor connected with the digging of coal. 
 
144 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 Somewhere in the current of his life's stream coming 
 down from a remote ancestry, there had fallen a 
 seed which was destined to reach the light, and it 
 had lodged in the brain of this child of poverty. Here 
 in the darkness it struggled to burst the fetters of its 
 hard conditions. Late at night, and in the early 
 morning, and at every opportunity this boy eagerly 
 read whatever books he could borrow. His father 
 was much displeased by these habits and often 
 expressed his displeasure in offensive epithets, but 
 finding his opposition useless, pronounced the lad 
 crazy and said no more. The family lived in a 
 Swedish settlement and the boy borrowed from the 
 people a Swedish Bible and by comparing that with 
 an English one learned many words in the Swedish 
 language, and was soon able to converse with the 
 Swedish settlers in their own tongue. One of the 
 laborers, who could speak no English had worked 
 for an employer who refused to pay him for his 
 work. This laborer laid his grievances before young 
 Lycurgus and asked his assistance. This youth 
 of fourteen years, ascertained by inquiries that 
 there was such a thing as a Justice Court. There 
 he went and brought the suit. This was his first 
 case. Barefooted, hatless, clad in a ragged shirt 
 and trousers, but strong with the courage which comes 
 to the promoters of a just cause, he went into court, 
 acted as counsellor, lawyer and interpreter, and 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 145 
 
 succeeded in getting justice for his client. Against 
 him was pitted a lawyer of large experience, who made 
 the best defence he could, claiming that there was no 
 contract and the law created no obligation to pay for 
 the services. But the magistrate maintained that 
 law was justice and that it was not just for one man 
 to refuse to pay another for his work. This was the 
 turning point in the lad's career. Suddenly his eyes 
 were opened to the fact that there was a law which gave 
 the poorest and feeblest protection against the richest 
 and strongest. He began to enquire what that law 
 was and how it came into being. 
 
 At a considerable distance from where he lived was a 
 circulating Ubrary. To this he often journeyed on 
 foot and borrowed books of history. Thus he be- 
 came familiar with the annals of his own country, 
 of England, and many other nations. He learned 
 that the body of our laws was a mighty temple, every 
 stone in which had been hewn by generations of toil 
 and cemented in its place by the blood of the bravest 
 and best. He became familiar with the choice spirits 
 who had laid its foundation and he traced the growth 
 of its splendid superstructure. He felt his bosom 
 swell and his eyes filled with tears as he read of those 
 who had put its mighty pillars in place. Sweet indeed 
 was the message which came from Runnymede when 
 the great Barons of Britain forced the Magna Charta 
 from King John, and set a boundary to the tide of 
 
146 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 despotism; but sweeter still the story of that day in 
 Independence Hall, when the master minds of the 
 American Colonies gave birth to a new nation, de- 
 claring in matchless eloquence the soul-stirring 
 truths of human liberty. He read again and again 
 "Crisis" by Thomas Paine ;he read and reread Patrick 
 Henry's immortal words in the Virginia Assembly; 
 he was with Warren at Bunker Hill, with Washington 
 at Valley Forge ; he scanned the long line of unnumbered 
 graves that reaches far back in the remote past and 
 connects the heroes of Thermopylse with the latest 
 martyr for human rights. And notwithstanding the 
 denunciations of the government heard about him, 
 he learned to love the institutions of his country and 
 reverence her flag, and he desired greatly to enlist 
 in her service, by joining that body of men who have 
 ever been the foremost to defend her in war, and to 
 preserve her in peace. This ambition to be a lawyer 
 took full possession of his very soul. He was not 
 particular where he began or who were his instructors, 
 nor the standing of the school in which he was taught. 
 He read all the law books he could get, he asked 
 questions of any who would answer and his school 
 room was a fence corner or the dump at the 
 mine. 
 
 Learning is a kind goddess: She always comes to 
 those who seek her with a consecrated heart. She 
 gives the pauper in the wretched hut as warm a wel- 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 147 
 
 come as the prince in his marble palace. In this 
 manner was the youth of Lycurgus spent. He used 
 no nervous stimulants. He contracted no debts 
 he could not pay. He played no games. He sought 
 no company among the gay. He guarded well his 
 health and strength, that he might endure the work 
 he had chosen. Finally he entered a lawyer's ofB.ce 
 and later was admitted to the bar. There for forty 
 years he toiled as a lawyer, beginning at the bottom 
 and rising among his fellows like some tall mountain 
 laved by the ocean round its base which slowly rises 
 as the waters wane. On the enduring granite of 
 truth and justice he founded the citadel of his fame. 
 He took no causes that were corrupt. No villain 
 plea did ever pass his lips. He stood for no false 
 doctrine if he knew it. No gold could buy from him 
 a sham opinion. Compared with that rich jewel 
 which his soul possessed of reverence for the just 
 and true, all worldly wealth he thought but dross, 
 all fame bought with debasement merely poisonous 
 vapor. He became a lawyer of the highest type. 
 He knew the law, loved, and obeyed it. Not as a 
 fetich but as a priceless legacy, to be valued for what 
 it cost, guarded with zealous care, and only changed 
 to make it better. He kept no trumpet blowing to 
 tell his merits. He let his work speak for itself, 
 content to do the best he could with that which came 
 to him. He ordered all his work so that none would 
 
148 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 be neglected, and if he could not promptly try a case, 
 he did not take it. He gave no preference to the 
 rich above the poor, nor one above another, except 
 the wrong that needed most to be redressed he gave 
 his first attention. He kept the latest books and read 
 the latest cases, and was the first to learn of any change 
 in law or doctrine. His office was kept in order and 
 all his papers where they could be quickly found. 
 He was not called an orator, for what he said, not 
 how he said it, claimed the most attention. He took no 
 time to boast of what he did but kept on doing, striving 
 each day to excel the day before. In every court, the 
 lowest to the highest he went to plead his clients' 
 causes. Judges and juries, committeemen and boards 
 all heard him gladly. They sought for light and what 
 he said shed light upon the points in issue. Treating 
 all with gentle courtesy he never flattered, nor did 
 he like a suppliant beg for justice. He stood erect, 
 a man, fawning on none, yet modestly he spoke the 
 simple truth, most eloquent when told in clearest 
 phrase. He did not wander from the issue, nor 
 magnify with ponderous verbiage the wrongs he 
 would redress, nor claim all virtue was his client's, 
 or all vice dwelt upon the other side. Nor did he 
 speak in vain. Each victory brought him greater 
 credit for probity and lore. Many when they saw him 
 take the other side were warned thereby their case was 
 well nigh hopeless and by a careful re-examination 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAB 149 
 
 found It so and quit the contest. Sometimes great 
 questions, intricate and close, on which vast interests 
 hung, not only for the present but all future time, arose 
 and asked his aid. Then he before the nation'shighest 
 court, his audience the world, made such an argu- 
 ment for human rights, that countless miUions waited 
 for his words. They came not forth in thunder tones; 
 no lightnings rent the feverish air. But calm and 
 clear and unabashed his arguments were made, and 
 thus without a seeming strain he spoke the burden of 
 this mighty task, as simply as some shepherd's tale. 
 Like some pure spirit from a better land, he came to 
 talk to those who would do right and clearly showed 
 the way. 
 
 His frequent winnings brought him great renown, 
 and many suitors sought him in their cases, but most 
 his fame spread as a counsellor. His associates at the 
 bar made him their oracle, and to his office thronged 
 to get his judgment. Judges descended from their 
 stools to beg for his advice, and when their way was 
 dark amid the quirks and quibbles of the books he 
 pointed to the star of right and made the path to 
 justice clear. Legislatures ere they passed a bill 
 would often ask his judgment. For he knew the 
 constitutions of the states and of the nation, had 
 traced their origin through all the batdes that were 
 fought about them and nearer than any other man 
 could tell the meaning likely to prevail. He held 
 
150 FOIBLES OF THE BAB 
 
 no office and yet the president and congress passed by 
 their salaried aids and asked for his opinion, preferring 
 to base the fabric of the law upon his judgment, than 
 on their own. Ambassadors from foreign courts 
 came to his office to get his counsel. Once when a 
 question in the laws of Nations threatened war, a 
 mighty empire acted on his judgment. 
 
 He saw the race for wealth but joined not in the 
 chase; he heard fame's bugle blow for those whose 
 lives were bad; he envied not their triumphs or 
 renown; the siren song of sensual pleasure wooed his 
 ear; he sought a higher joy. On every hand some 
 pleasant voice called him to come and play; his 
 heart was with his books and in that task, the noblest 
 man has planned, he found sufficient to employ his 
 time. Thus did he live and work till death came like 
 an evening zeph}^ and he died as gently as the clock 
 runs down. 
 
 He built no marble palace to preserve his name, no 
 granite temple now protects his dust. But firmer 
 far than marble, granite or enduring brass, the strong 
 foundation of his fame. As long as justice is adored, 
 the principles he toiled for and established, shall be 
 his monument, and those who read the simple story 
 of his life shall feel new inspiration for the eternal 
 right. As when the orb of day passes behind the west- 
 ern hills and leaves upon the heavens his fairest hues, 
 so this grand soul passed in his progress onward far 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 151 
 
 beyond the circle of our mortal vision, yet left a 
 radiance filling all the land. 
 
 The world is full of work and ways for man to 
 shine. War has its heroes, and when their cause is 
 just, then glory's chaplets fitly mark their tombs. 
 Bards may compete for fame and if their lines bear 
 messages of truth and right they well deserve their 
 bays. Riches may bring renown, when justly won 
 and fairly used, and hard earned gold may keep 
 fame's taper burning when no breath of shame may 
 rise to blow it out. But be the bid for laurels what 
 it may, if anywhere it wears the stain of crime, the 
 future will reject it. If this is true and so it surely is, 
 then how can any lawyer hope to win the highest, 
 richest prizes of the world and use his gifts for an 
 ignoble purpose? 
 
CHAPTER XVn 
 
 The Nation's Need 
 
 IT'NOWLEDGE of law is one of the nation's 
 greatest needs. Liberty in society can not exist 
 without laws embodying principles of equality and 
 justice, and an authority strong enough to enforce 
 those laws against all transgressors. A government 
 based upon the popular will must be supported by 
 people who understand and appreciate this and who 
 will select representatives famihar with the principles 
 of these laws and qualified to so change and fashion 
 them that they may conform to the changing needs 
 of the people. Every citizen should therefore under- 
 stand the constitution of his state and nation and have 
 a general knowledge of the nature, scope and principles 
 of the laws in force therein. Certainly no one should 
 be considered educated who has not this knowledge, 
 for without it he is not able to properly discharge 
 his duty either as a citizen or an officer of his country. 
 Knowledge of law is especially necessary to the mem- 
 bers of all legislative bodies from the City Council and 
 local boards to the Congress of the United States. 
 It is necessary in all important executive offices from 
 the constable to the president and his cabinet and it 
 152 
 
FOIBLES OP THE BAR 153 
 
 is absolutely indispensable to the occupants of all 
 judicial offices, and in those who assume to practice 
 law. The pathetic fact is that not only the general 
 public and their representatives in the government 
 but even lawyers and Judges are sadly deficient in 
 this knowledge. 
 
 There are many occupying inferior judicial offices 
 who have never read the constitution of their state 
 or of the United States, and probably could not find 
 either in print, without the aid of a detective, or when 
 found understand it without an interpreter. There 
 are lawyers, many of them, who have probably not 
 looked at these venerable documents since leaving 
 school and at that time had no clear conception of 
 their meaning. The statutes of their own state, 
 they have never attempted to read, nor to acquire 
 any general knowledge of them. What knowledge 
 they possess they have obtained by looking at the 
 index for any subject on which a question has arisen 
 and then foUowmg the lead of this index, for a 
 brief glimpse at the sections referred to therein. 
 Thus a few chapters may frequently have been looked 
 at until quite familiar, but the rest has remained a 
 sealed book. Many Judges are Ukewise deficient 
 in knowledge of the written and fundamental laws 
 of their country. Some of them in the highest courts 
 do not even remember the decisions written by them- 
 selves and announce a contrary doctrine without 
 
154 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 being conscious of reversing their own decisions. 
 These mistakes of course happen only where the 
 lawyers have neglected to look up and call the Judges' 
 attention to their former decisions. So deficient are 
 many lavifyers and some Judges in knowledge of law 
 and the books concerning it, that they are unable to 
 find the law when the books are placed before them. 
 They are such strangers to these books and the manner 
 of their construction, and so ignorant of the catch 
 words used in the indices that they can not without 
 spending much time in examination find the text 
 which treats upon the subject. Nowhere is ignor- 
 ance of law more painfully apparent than in court 
 trials, when an ignorant Judge and two or three 
 ignorant lawyers are making an effort to play a game, 
 the rules of which are unknown to them or where one 
 lawyer famihar with the law is putting forth a spurious 
 defence and shows no disposition to enlighten the 
 bewildered Judge or the opposing counsel. Many 
 trial lawyers confine their practice to a certain line 
 of cases such as the prosecution or defence of personal 
 injury suits and do not assume knowledge of law out- 
 side of their specialty. Often these specialists 
 gravitate into a rut, where they traffic in a few stock 
 notions of the law and in their addresses use a collec- 
 tion of stock arguments which they string together like 
 the provisions in a blank insurance policy filling in 
 the names of the parties and witnesses as the occasion 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 155 
 
 requires. These make no progress in legal learning 
 and appear as ignorant as babies when a point is 
 raised outside of the draught of their familiar blank. 
 Why then is the legal profession thus deficient in the 
 knowledge of the law? Is it so diflEicult to obtain 
 that only a person of transcendent intellect can pro- 
 cure it? It is not. Any person of ordinary intelli- 
 gence with a fair knowledge of the English language 
 and surely one with a preliminary legal education 
 can without an instructor, by studying diligently 
 three hours each day for five years become familiar 
 with all important legal principles and the books in 
 which they are contained. And after he has obtained 
 this knowledge he can retain it and keep familiar 
 with the changes by spending one hour each day in an 
 effort to do so. 
 
 The revised Statutes of Illinois including the con- 
 stitutions of the state and nation and all the statutes in 
 force in the state contains about 2,000 pages. A slow 
 reader, reading three hours a day could read the book 
 seriatim in less than three weeks, and a rapid reader 
 could become familiar with its contents in one week. 
 
 The Second Edition of the American and English 
 Encyclopedia of Law contains twenty-nine volumes 
 of about 1,000 pages each. These pages embody 
 the whole common law, and by reading three hours a 
 day, a slow reader could read the entire twenty-nine 
 volumes in less than a year, and a rapid reader could 
 
156 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 become familiar with them in half that time. Then 
 add to this reading a work of i,ooo pages on the rules 
 and forms of pleading in force in the state where the 
 lawyer resides. This he could read in two weeks. 
 He has now covered the whole field of jurisprudence 
 and has at least three and one-half years out of the 
 five left to review and reread and to read such other 
 legal works as he may desire. This would seem 
 ample. The task of becoming familiar with the 
 laws of one's country is not so great as learning to 
 play well on the piano or violin and it does not re- 
 quire unusual talent. Why then do lawyers find it so 
 difficult? It is because they dislike the task and make 
 no systematic effort to discharge it. They lack 
 appreciation for their country's institutions. Its 
 laws are dry and uninteresting to them and their minds 
 recoil from such study. Their hearts are elsewhere. 
 They have entered the profession to keep the wolf from 
 the door and when they no longer hear him howl 
 they go to sleep or go to a banquet. 
 
 The average lawyer in the city gets to his office at 
 some time between nine o'clock and nine-thirty in the 
 morning. He looks at the newspapers, answers or 
 makes a few telephone caUs, and when not called 
 to court has a few interviews with clients or visitors, 
 dictates a, few letters, and then it is lunch time. After 
 lunch he returns to the office, has more interviews 
 in person or by telephone, perhaps may work an 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 157 
 
 hour or so on a pleading or argument, reads and 
 answers more letters, pays or staves off his creditors 
 and at fovu: o'clock or four-thirty starts for his home 
 or his club. If he reads in the evening it is the 
 newspapers, magazines or works of fiction. If he 
 goes out it is to a club, lodge or card party from which 
 he returns about midnight or later. Thus the routine 
 continues, until vacation; then, if he is able he goes 
 to Europe, to the mountains or to the sea. 
 
 During the year he may have tried a few cases and 
 perhaps spent a few hours each day for several days 
 in preparing to argue law questions arising in these 
 cases; but with that exception his books except the 
 statutes and digests which he must occasionally con- 
 sult have remained upon their shelves, unless taken 
 down to be dusted. In other words the time he has 
 spent in ascertaining the law has been determined 
 by accident and its quantity has been as small as he 
 could well make it. With such habits he never be- 
 comes sufficiently familiar with his books to make a 
 thorough brief and yet if prudent he usually succeeds 
 in acquiring a competence financially. This has 
 been his chief aim from the first and so he has suc- 
 ceeded. 
 
 The need of the nation is a well-educated bar 
 whose members have a higher object than mere 
 personal gain; who strive to make themselves familiar 
 with its laws and with the principles of justice that 
 
158 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 underlie them; who themselves obey these laws and 
 help to enforce them, and who will assist in securing 
 such additions thereto and alterations thereof as wiU 
 advance the common good and make the foundations 
 of civil liberty stronger and wider. Not only the 
 young man just entering the profession should realize 
 this; but the old practitioner sixty years of age, forty- 
 five years of which have been spent at the bar, still 
 has an opportunity to become a thorough lawyer and 
 render his country some service. 
 
 Seven hours a day spent diligently in legal study 
 and work will in a few years make out of a common 
 man a great lawyer and at the same time bring in 
 sufficient money to support a sensible family and 
 lay a foundation for age or misfortune. But these 
 hours must be hours of concentrated attention when 
 the mind is at its best and has no other object. Four 
 or five of these hours should be in the early part of the 
 day. Having thus diligently worked and studied seven 
 hours the remainder of the seventeen may be spent 
 as the lawyer thinks best, providing of course he 
 gets the rest necessary to fit him for his next day's 
 task. He will thus be allowed an abundance of 
 time for enjoying all the exercises, recreations, and 
 amusements to which his tastes incline and as much 
 outside reading as he may relish. But proficiency 
 in the law must be his paramount object, the idol to 
 which he devotedly kneels. The administration of 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 159 
 
 justice should be the absorbing desire of his soul; 
 a firm faith in the final triumph of the right his in- 
 flexible support; the authority of the right to control 
 all his actions an ever recognized truth. 
 
 The wanderer in the wilderness may lose his 
 way and then confused may seek the highest point 
 where spreading out before his gaze the greatest area 
 of the earth appears, and widest stretch of heaven is 
 seen. Here he may find his way again and turn his 
 wandering footsteps home. 
 
 The lawyer midst his labyrinth of cares pulled by 
 the strings of many motives, surrounded by the howl- 
 ing wolves of greed, stung by the hornets of ingratitude, 
 may stumble from his path and lose his way, proceed- 
 ing recklessly tUl some deep gorge yawns threaten- 
 ingly before him. Then he should seek the highest 
 point, the loftiest motive that his mind can frame and 
 scan the largest area of both earth and heaven, the 
 paths behind o'er which through countless years 
 the multitudes have passed, the paths in front that 
 lead in divers ways and then with prudent care select 
 the route that leads securely home. 
 
 Before I bring this volume to its close, wherein 
 I've tried to chart the pitfalls, chasms and poisonous 
 swamps that lurk along a lawyer's way, I wish to 
 turn the public's gaze toward a threatening tempest 
 which I think approaches and speak a word to those 
 who may be clients. 
 
160 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 Our liberties, our property and our lives, all that 
 we have and cherish most depend as I ha ve shown upon 
 a government of law. This government can never 
 thrive save by the aid of lawyers who may know 
 the law, nor be kept pure unless these lawyers strive 
 to keep it so. The money-getting, soul-corroding 
 vice may breathe its poisonous breath upon the press, 
 and fill the world with lies. The people may read 
 but disregard and firm the nation stand. The 
 pulpit too may drink its rank contagion and deck 
 the rottenness of crime with flowers and yet no 
 serious wreck come to the " Ship of State. " Doctors 
 of medicine may take its virus and stand with keen 
 edged knives ready to atnputate the patient for his 
 purse and many be untimely slain ; the firm foundation 
 of our mighty fabric remains unshaken. But should 
 this hateful monster seize the bar, palsy the con- 
 science that now loves the right, shrivel the hearts 
 that now for justice throb, make minds that once 
 were quick to keep the nation strong, as swift to make 
 their countr)Tnen their prey, what then awaits but 
 ruin? What fate awaits the ship when those who 
 have command conspire to sink it? Chaos will 
 come and human rights be merely froth upon a raging 
 sea. More than on armies, armaments, forts or 
 battleships, the nation now depends upon the bar. 
 Its members are the nation's leading men in 
 every walk of life. They are its legislators, courts 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 161 
 
 and cabinets, and hold the reins in every lofty 
 place. 
 
 Every young lawyer passing from the school to 
 take his place among the legal ranks deserves con- 
 sideration. If he be clean and honest and strives 
 to do his best, give him a chance to serve you in an 
 honest way. He may be bashful, backward and 
 assume but little, may boast no noble lineage, and 
 wear no heritage of fame; he may be poor, possess 
 no library that he can call his own, and have no ofla^ce 
 which he can command and yet give you much better 
 service in some cases than the hero of a thousand suits 
 in whose fine office clients swarm and wait. Let 
 not the glare of notoriety draw you into the blaze. 
 Be not mislead by boasting in or out of print. High- 
 minded, honest lawyers scorn to boast, employ no 
 boosters, make no false pretence, nor scramble with 
 indecent haste for gold. They may be poor and not 
 in search of wealth and yet industrious and rich in 
 learning and give you better service than any of the 
 brood that does the crowing. Give honest worth 
 a chance where'er you find it and thereby will you 
 help to keep it honest. If you instead go to the one 
 who makes the loudest noise and has the least regard 
 for right, and add your ingots to the largest pile, and 
 turn from him whose honest and high minded zeal 
 aspires without display to aid the true and just, 
 then do you add the might of yoiur strong arm to 
 
162 FOIBLES OF THE BAR 
 
 break the firmest pillar that sustains the state. If 
 all men do the like, the time must come when strife 
 for gold will be the lawyer's only aim; when every 
 scoundrel that designs a crime will use the law to 
 aid in its committal and never fail to find, both at the 
 bar and on the bench, those ready to assist and share 
 the spoils; when legal lore will be a shield to help the 
 thief and nerve the robber's arm, and every fund 
 gathered by taxes to support the state will be a loot 
 for lawyers and their pals. Honor will sit no more 
 upon the bench or plead for justice at the bar, and in 
 its name the crafty will but smile while they contrive 
 to pick your pockets. A government of law will 
 then become a name to cloak corruption in its rankest 
 form and hold its festering place till the disgusted, 
 plundered, frenzied multitude arise by force and wipe 
 it from the map. 
 
 And you, my brothers at the bar, raise high the 
 standard of professional honor. Resist all efforts 
 made to pull it down. Force to the rear all those who 
 would debase it, and strive for legal learning as a 
 priceless gem. By doing thus you serve your country 
 best, your children and yourselves, and pay in part 
 the debt you owe to Providence who gave us this 
 inheritance of liberty and law. 
 
 The Constitution is the stay that holds the nation's 
 parts in place. Who would protect it, if you desert 
 it? An honest, learned, and patriotic Judge must 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BAR 163 
 
 guard our liberties in every court. Unless you furnish 
 such, where can that Judge be found? On your own 
 shoulders now the burden lies; you can not, must not, 
 shirk it if you would. The noblest fabric on the 
 earth is in your hands. It is more precious than the 
 wealth of all the world. The wretched everywhere 
 look to its flag, as freedom's star. Its glorious colors 
 make their bosoms swell with hope to break their 
 bonds. 
 
 If you are true and do not falter from the right, but 
 ever for the just raise your strong voices, the tide of 
 liberty, now rising ever)rwhere, shall never ebb, but 
 pushing onward with increasing force, flow to the 
 farthest shore. 
 
FOIBLES OF THE BENCH." 
 
 A Remarkable Volume, by HENRY S. WILCOX, 
 of the Chicago Bar. 
 
 PRESENTING 
 
 JUDGE KNOWALL, JUDGE WASP, 
 
 JUDGE WABBLEK, JUDGE WIND, 
 
 JUDGE FEARFUL, JUDGE GEAFT, 
 
 JUDGE WHIFFET, JUDGE DOALL, 
 
 and many others, who will readily be recognized 
 as types of ancient and modern judges. 
 
 Read "What the Press says: 
 
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'A STRANGE FLAW" 
 
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