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Cornell University Library 
 PQ 1685.E5B29 1883 
 
 Readings in Rabelais 
 
 3 1924 027 227 267 
 
B Cornell University 
 f Library 
 
 The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027227267 
 
READINGS IN RABELAIS 
 
 BY 
 
 WALTER BESANT 
 
 WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS 
 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON 
 
 MDCCCLXXXIII 
 
"cornellN 
 university 
 
 LIBRARV 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PROLOGUE TO THE FIRST BOOK, 
 
 THE FEAST AT THE BIRTH OF GARGANTUA, 
 
 THE CHILDHOOD OF GARGANTUA, 
 
 THE EDUCATION OF GARGANTUA, 
 
 THE WAR WITH KING PICROCHOLE, 
 
 THE DREAM OF PICROCHOLE, . 
 
 FRIAR JOHN AT SUPPER, 
 
 AFTER THE BATTLE, . 
 
 XHE ABBEY OF THELEMA, 
 
 THE BIRTH OF PANTAGRUEL, . 
 
 THE LIMOUSIN SCHOLAR, 
 
 THE LIBRARY OF ST VICTOR, . 
 
 PANURGE, 
 
 EPISTEMOn'S DESCENT INTO HELL, 
 
 PROLOGUE TO THE THIRD BOOK, 
 
 THE PRAISE OF PRODIGALITY, 
 
 THE PRAISE OF DEBT, . 
 
 PANURGE DESIRES TO MARRY, 
 
 THE TRIAL BY DREAMS, 
 
 THE SIBYL OF PANZOUST, 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE DYING, 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE ASTROLOGER, 
 
 I 
 
 5 
 9 
 IS 
 32 
 39 
 45 
 49 
 
 ii 
 
 71 
 80 
 84 
 87 
 107 
 114 
 
 I2S 
 129 
 140 
 
 168 
 172 
 176 
 
Xll 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE THEOLOGIAN, 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE PHYSICIAN, 
 
 JUDGE BRIDOYE, 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE FOOL, 
 
 THE HERB PANTAGRUELION, . 
 
 COMMENCEMENT OF THE VOYAGE OF THE DIVE 
 
 BOUTEILLE, 
 THE SHEEP-MERCHANT AND PANURGE, 
 PROCURATION LAND, . 
 THE LORD OF BASCHE, 
 
 FRANCOIS VILLON AND BROTHER TAPPECOUE, 
 THE GREAT STORM, 
 PHYSIS AND ANTIPHYSIS, 
 ISLAND OF THE PAPIMANES, • . 
 THE FROZEN WORDS, . 
 THE KINGDOM OF GASTER, 
 THE ILE SONNANTE, 
 THE ISLAND OF CASSADE, 
 THE CHATS FOURRES, . 
 QUEEN ENTELECHEIA, . 
 THE MUMBLING FRIARS, 
 LANTERN-LAND, 
 THE ORACLE OF THE BOTTLE, 
 
 182 
 189 
 
 204 
 211 
 
 227 
 231 
 
 240 
 244 
 256 
 272 
 27s 
 296 
 301 
 308 
 324 
 32s 
 
 337 
 349 
 356 
 37S 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 In these Readings I have set myself especially to 
 illustrate the wisdom of Rabelais. As for his stout 
 heart, his cheerfulness, and his brave face, these 
 are apparent in every page, and need no one to 
 point them out. The stories, however, with which 
 he sought to enliven his readers will be found 
 sparingly represented here. They are neither 
 better nor worse (though much better told) than 
 the stories in the ' Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles,' 
 those of Desperiers, or the ' Heptameron ' ; but 
 the tales of Brother Tappecoue and the Sieur 
 Dindenault may serve as favourable specimens. 
 
 In the Comedie Humaine of Rabelais, we are 
 taught, by allegory, by parable, or by direct admon- 
 ition, in every page. The man's head is full of 
 learning, and his heart is full of his fellow-creatures. 
 Even in his maddest and most extravagant mo- 
 ments, there drops a word of wisdom, unexpected, 
 in the midst. In Rabelais there is no pure fooling. 
 
VI INTRODUCTION, 
 
 He takes the old nursery giant Gargantua, whom 
 every French child knew, and interweaves with the 
 tales of his miraculous birth and childhood such 
 thoughts and counsels as the world had never 
 before heard. First, it is a scheme of education 
 in which body and mind alike are trained and 
 perfected. This scheme has never been surpassed, 
 nor will it ever be even equalled until professors 
 of education recognise some of the conditions of 
 success, as taught by Rabelais. Thus, first of all, 
 there is the absolute devotion of the tutor to the 
 pupil ; so that education does not consist in formal 
 lessons, or in books and school only : nor can 
 any system of education be' considered complete 
 which does not include riding, dancing, music, 
 singing, gymnastics, work for the hands, know- 
 ledge of manufactures and industries, and intel- 
 ligent study of God's glorious works on the earth 
 and in the heavens, and these not singly (which 
 makes a boy unpractical and doctrinaire), but in 
 company with others. But in this scheme applied 
 to modern ideas, football and cricket would play a 
 very small part in the day's exercises. It makes 
 one sad and sorry to think how glorious a creature 
 a perfectly trained young man might be, and what 
 ignorant, stunted, deformed, under-taught creatures 
 
INTRODUCTION. vii 
 
 are we who have had the " best " education of our 
 day. Another condition of success in the system 
 of Rabelais is that there are no holidays. The 
 young Prince and his companion never, for in- 
 stance, get four weeks at Christmas and eight in 
 the summer, nor a week extra at any time. But 
 then the tutors ask for none. Surely there is 
 something wrong in a system of education which 
 leaves a fourth part of the year, — think of it, the 
 solid fourth part! — thirteen weeks, — in idleness. 
 Again, in the same book Rabelais teaches the 
 folly of ambition and the wickedness of unpro- 
 voked wars, and tJie righteous destruction which 
 falls upon kings who wage them ; and he portrays, 
 in his Community of perfectly well-bred and culti- 
 vated men and women, the most delightful society 
 ever imagined or described. Strange that this 
 monk, sprung from the people, reeking of the soil, 
 should have been able to arrive at such a Vision ! 
 We might have expected it of the knightly Charles 
 of Orleans or of King Ren4 but not of this recluse, 
 this monk, of Fontenay-le-Comte. How, in the Lim- 
 ousin scholar, Rabelais ridicules the pedants and 
 prigs of the time : in the library of St Victor, the old, 
 worn-out scholastic disputations and treatises : in 
 the attempts made by Panurge to get an answer to 
 
VIU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 his question, the folly of those who expect aught of 
 oracles, astrology, seers, sorcerers, or any who pre- 
 tend to read the future : how in the great Voyage 
 the travellers go from island to island learning 
 many things, but all leading up to, and preparing 
 the way for, the reply of the Dive Bouteille, — all 
 this will be found by him who reads what follows. 
 I may be permitted to add that the Readings are 
 designed to conform with the book on Rabelais 
 which is one of the series of " Foreign Classics for 
 EngHsh Readers." For that reason there is no 
 necessity for a long introduction. One thing, how- 
 ever, I would wish to point out. Rabelais con- 
 tinually returns to, and again and again insists 
 upon, the mutual obligation of man to man ; the 
 dependence of one upon the other, the necessity 
 that one should understand the other, the duty of 
 working for each other. This is the teaching 
 which lies nearest to his heart. He strikes this 
 note in his education of the Prince ; he dwells upon 
 it again in the Abbey of Thelema ; he allows him- 
 self to be wholly carried away with it in his praises 
 of Prodigality and Debt ; he touches on it in his 
 account of great Gaster ; it lies hidden behind his 
 account of the Court of Queen Entelecheia ; and 
 lastly, in the Oracle, he sums up his teaching, and 
 in a manner delivers his soul completely of this 
 
INTRODUCTION. ix 
 
 divine message which he had to give. " We place," 
 says the Priestess, " the sovereign good not in tak- 
 ing and receiving, but in bestowing and giving ; 
 and we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take 
 and receive much of others, but rather if we are 
 always imparting to others and giving much.'' 
 
 The translation made by Urquhart has one grave 
 fault : the translator allows himself continually to 
 improve and enlarge upon the author. I have 
 therefore compared every word of the parts 
 selected with the original, and in many cases have 
 retranslated whole passages. If Urquhart sins in 
 this respect, much more does Motteux. In the 
 translation of the verses of Raminagrobis, I have 
 to thank Mr Joseph Knight, who has permitted 
 me to use the admirably correct and dexterous 
 translation which has already appeared in the 
 ' Recreations of the Rabelais Club.' 
 
 I have been told that I shall never succeed in 
 making Rabelais popular. Very likely not. Shake- 
 speare is not popular, — that is to say, he is not com- 
 monly read, nor is Is/Lilton. But there will always 
 be among us some who love the method of parable 
 and allegory. I desire only that Rabelais should 
 be "recognised," and that people who ought to 
 know better should leave off talking nonsense 
 
X INTRODUCTION. 
 
 about him. It is time that the wisest and kindliest 
 of all Frenchmen should at length cease to be re- 
 garded and spoken of as a buffoon with a foul 
 mouth and mind. On this subject I have said 
 what I had to say elsewhere. Buffoon or not, this 
 man, who belonged to the fifteenth as well as the 
 sixteenth century, had things to say and lessons to 
 teach which concern humanity in all ages, and shall 
 be read with profit by generation after generation 
 until the Golden Age comes back again, and then 
 we shall all be educated like unto Gargantua, laden 
 with debt like Panurge, courteous as a Brother 
 of Thelema, wise and stately as Pantagruel, as 
 free from superstition as Rabelais himself, and, 
 like the disciples of the Dive Bouteille, contin- 
 ually occupied in imparting and giving to others 
 out of our own abundance. Even then it will be 
 pleasant to read this old book, if only to wonder 
 how men and women should need to be reminded 
 of things so simple, so elementary, and so neces- 
 sary for the maintenance of that better life which 
 will be indeed the kingdom of heaven upon this 
 earth. W. B. 
 
 United University Club, 
 October 1883. 
 
READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 THE MOST HORRIFIC LIFE OF THE 
 GREAT GARGANTUA, 
 
 FATHER OF PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 THE author's prologue. 
 
 Most illustrious drinkers — for to you, and none 
 else, do I dedicate my writings — Alcibiades, in 
 that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled "The 
 Banquet," whilst he was setting forth the praises 
 of his master Socrates, without all question the 
 prince of philosophers, amongst other things, said 
 that he resembled the Sileni. Sileni of old were 
 little boxes, like those we now may see in the 
 shops of apothecaries, painted on the upper part 
 with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, 
 
 A 
 
2 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 bridled geese, horned hares, ducks with pack- 
 saddles, flying goats, harts in shafts, and other such 
 pictures counterfeited at pleasure to excite people 
 unto laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the 
 master of the good Bacchus, was wont to do ; but 
 within were carefully preserved fine drugs, such 
 as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, civet, with 
 precious stones, and other things of great price. 
 Such, he said, was Socrates : for to have eyed his 
 outside, and esteemed him by his exterior appear- 
 ance, you would not have given the beard of an 
 onion for him, so ugly he was in body, and ridic- 
 ulous in his mien. He had a sharp-pointed nose, 
 the look of a bull, and countenance of a fool ; he 
 was in his manners simple, boorish in his apparel, 
 in fortune poor, unhappy in his wife, unfit for all 
 offices in the commonwealth ; always drinking, 
 always carousing with every one, always mocking, 
 always dissimulating his divine knowledge. But, 
 opening this box, you would have found within it 
 a heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than 
 human understanding, admirable virtues, invin- 
 cible courage, unequalled sobriety, certain con- 
 tentment, perfect assurance, an incredible disre- 
 gard of all that for which men commonly do so 
 much watch, run, toil, navigate, and do battle. 
 
 Whereunto, in your opinion, doth this little 
 flouri.sh of a preamble tend ? Forasmuch as you, 
 my good disciples, and some other fools of leisure, 
 
GARGANTUA. 3 
 
 reading the joyous titles of some books of our 
 invention, as ' Gargantua,' ' Pantagruel/ ' Whippot,' 
 ' Pease and Bacon, with a commentary,' are too 
 ready to -judge, that there is nothing in, them but 
 jests, mockeries, and recreative lies ; because the 
 outside ensign — which is the title — is commonly 
 received without further inquiry with scoffing and 
 derision. But truly it is unbeseeining with such 
 frivolity to estimate the works of men, seeing your- 
 selves avouch that it is not the habit that makes 
 the monk, — and such an one is accoutred in habit 
 monachal who inwardly is nothing less than mon- 
 achal ; and such an one is clothed in Spanish 
 cape, who in valour in no way belongs to Spain. 
 Therefore is it that you must open the book, and 
 seriously weigh the matter treated in it. Then 
 shall you find that the drug therein contained is 
 of far higher value than the box did promise ; that 
 is to say, that the matters herein treated are not 
 go foolish as the title above might pretend. 
 
 And put the case, that in the literal sense you 
 meet with matters merry enough, and correspon- 
 dent to the title ; yet must not you stop there as 
 at the song of the Sirens, but interpret in a higher 
 sense that which possibly you thought said in 
 gaiety of heart. Did -you ever pick the lock of 
 a bottle .' Call to mind the countenance which 
 then you had. Or, did you ever see a dog when 
 he met with a marrow-bone .■' He is the beast 
 
4 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 of all others in the world (says Plato, lib. 2, De 
 Republica) the most philosophical. If you have 
 seen him, you have remarked with what devotion 
 he watches it ; with what care he guards it ; how 
 fervently he holds it ; how prudently he gobbets 
 it ; with what affection he breaks it ; and with 
 what diligence he sucks it. To what end all this 1 
 What are the hopes of his labour .' What doth he 
 expect to reap thereby? Nothing btit a little 
 marrow. True it is that this little is more delicious 
 than the great quantities of other sorts of'meat, 
 because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, iii. Facult. 
 Nat, and xi. De Usu Partium) is a nourishment 
 most perfectly elaboured by nature. 
 
 In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be 
 wise to smell, feel, and have in estimation these 
 fair books, de haulte gresse, light in the pursuit, and 
 bold at the encounter. Then you must, by a curi- 
 ous reading and frequent meditation, break the 
 bone and suck out the substantific marrow, — that 
 is what I mean by these Pythagorean symbols, — 
 with assured hope of becoming well-advised and 
 valiant by the said reading; for in it you shall 
 find another kind of taste, and a doctrine more 
 profound, which will disclose unto you deep doc- 
 trines and dreadful mysteries, as well in what con- 
 cerneth our religion as matters of the public state 
 and life economical. 
 
THE FEAST AT THE BIRTH OF GARGANTUA. 
 
 [Gargantua was the son of Grandgousier — " a bon raillard 
 in his wine, who loved to drink neat as much as any man 
 who then was in the world, and willingly would eat salt 
 meat" — and Gargamelle, his wife, daughter to the king of 
 the Parpaillos. It would appear that Grandgousier was a 
 Tourangeau by birth, and that he lived in or near the town 
 of Chinon, because, on the day of his son's birth, he had 
 invited to drink with him the good folk of Seuilly, Cinais 
 Margay, La Roche Clermault, Coudray-Montpensier, and 
 other places, all of which lie around that illustrious city, 
 to a feast of tripe with immeasurable drink.] 
 
 Grangousier was, in his time, a notable jester, 
 loving to drink neat, as much as any man that 
 then was in the world, and would willingly eat salt 
 meat. To this intent he was ordinarily well fur- 
 nished with gammons of bacon, both of Mayence 
 and Bayonne, with store of dried neats' tongues, 
 plenty of chitterlings in their season ; together with 
 salt beef and mustard, great provision of sausages 
 from Bigorre, from Longaulnay, from Brene, and 
 from Rouargue. In the vigour of his age he 
 married Gargamelle, daughter to the king of the 
 Parpaillons, a good wench and fair of phiz. 
 
 It happened that on the day when Gargantua 
 was born, they all went out in a hurle to La Saul- 
 saye, where, on the thick grass, to the sound of 
 merry flutes and pleasant bagpipes, they danced 
 
6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 SO merrily that it was a heavenly pastime to see 
 them so frolic. 
 
 After this did they fall upon the chat of victuals. 
 Forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, 
 goblets to fly, glasses to ting. Draw, reach, fill, 
 mix. Give it me without water. So my friend, so ; 
 whip me off this glass gallantly ; bring me hither 
 claret, yea, a weeping glass. A truce with thirst ! 
 Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone .' By 
 my faith, gammer, I cannot as yet enter in the 
 humour of being merry. You are chilled, gammer ? 
 Yea, forsooth. Ventre Saint Quenet! let us talk 
 of drink : I never drink but at my hours, like 
 the Pope's mule. And I never drink but in my 
 breviary, like a fair father guardian. Which was 
 first, thirst or drinking } Thirst ; for who in the 
 time of innocence would have drunk without being 
 athirst .'' Drinking ; for privatio prcesupponit habi- 
 tum. I am a clerk : Fcecundi calices quern, nonfecere 
 disertum f We poor innocents drink but too much 
 without thirst. Not I, who am a sinner, without 
 thirst, — if not present, then future thirst preventing, 
 as you understand. I drink eternally. It is to me 
 an eternity of drinking, and a drinking of eternity. 
 Let us sing, let us drink. An anthem, let us strike 
 up. Do you wet yourselves to dry, or do you dry 
 to wet you 1 Pish ! I understand not the theoric, 
 but I help myself somewhat by the practice. 
 Enough ! I wet, I humect, I drink, and all for 
 
GARGANTUA. 7 
 
 fear of dying. Drink always and you shall never 
 die. If I drink not, I am dry, I am dead. My 
 soul will fly away among the frogs : the soul 
 never dwells in a dry place. O butlers, creators 
 of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, 
 everlastingness of sprinkling, through these my 
 parched and sinewy bowels. He drinks in vain 
 that feels not the pleasure of it. This entereth 
 into my veins. 
 
 Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied their 
 cans. Well sung! Come, let us drink! I drink 
 no more than a sponge. I drink like a templar. 
 And I, tanquam sponsus. And I, sicut terra sine 
 aqua. Hey, now, boys ! hither some drink, some 
 drink! There is no trouble in it. Respice personam, 
 pone pro duo, bus non est in usu. If I could get up 
 as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere 
 now very high in the air. 
 
 Jacques Coeur grew rich by drinking so : 
 Thus green leaves spring and spring woods grow : 
 Thus great god Bacchus conquered Inde, 
 Philosophy thus learned Melinde. 
 
 A little rain allays a great deal of wind : long 
 tippling breaks the thunder. Here, page, fill ! 
 Drink, Guillot, there is still another pot. I appeal 
 from thirst, as an abuse. Page, draw out my appeal 
 in form. I was wont heretofore to drink all, now I 
 leave nothing. Let us not haste, let us gather in 
 all. Drink, or I will . No, no ; drink, I beseech 
 
8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 you. Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them 
 on the tail, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke 
 to. There is not a rabbit-hole in all my body, 
 where this wine doth not ferret out thirst. Ho ! 
 this will bang it soundly. This shall banish it 
 utterly. Let us wind our horns by the sound of 
 flagons and bottles, apd cry aloud, that whoever 
 hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. The 
 stone called Asbestos is not more unquenchable 
 than the thirst of my paternity. Appetite comes 
 with eating, says Angeston, but thirst goes away 
 with drinking. A remedy against thirst .-' It is 
 quite contrary to that which is good against the 
 biting of a mad dog. Keep running after a dog, 
 and he will never bite you; drink always before 
 the thirst, and it will never come upon you. There 
 I have you ! There I wake you up ! Butler ever- 
 lasting, keep us from sleep. Argus had a hundred 
 eyes for seeing; a butler should have, like Briareus, 
 a hundred hands to pour out wine indefatigably. 
 Hey ! let us moisten ourselves — it will be time to 
 dry hereafter. White wine here ! Pour out all — pour 
 in the name of Lucifer, pour here, — full. My tongue 
 peels. To thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good 
 fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, lively ! Ha, la, la ! 
 bravely gulped down. O lachryma Christi! it is 
 wine of La Deviniere : it is Touraine wine. O the 
 fine white wine! on my soul, it is taffetas wine; 
 hen, hen, it is wine of one ear, well wrought, and of 
 
GARGANTUA. 9 
 
 good stuff. Courage, comrade ! O the drinkers ! 
 O poor thirsty souls ! Good page, my friend, fill 
 me here some, and crown the wine, I pray thee. 
 A redbrim, a cardinal ! Natura abhorret vacuum. 
 Would you say that a fly could drink in this .■' 
 This is after the fashion of Brittany. Neat, neat, 
 for this dram. 
 
 THE CHILDHOOD OF GARGANTUA. 
 
 Gargantua, from three years to five, was nourished 
 and instructed in all proper discipline by the com- 
 mandment of his father, and spent that time like 
 the other little children of the country, — that is, 
 in drinking, eating, and sleeping ; in eating, sleep- , 
 ing, and drinking ; and in sleeping, drinking, and 1 
 eating. Still he wallowed in the mire, blackened-'' 
 his face, trod down his shoes at heel ; at the flies 
 he did oftentimes yawn, and willingly ran after 
 the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his 
 father. He sharpened his teeth with a slipper, 
 washed his hands with his broth, combed his head 
 with a bowl, sat down between two stools and 
 came to the ground, covered himself with a wet 
 sack, drank while eating his soup, ate his cake 
 without bread, would bite in laughing, laugh in 
 biting, hide himself in the water for fear of rain, 
 
lO READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 go cross, fall into dumps, look demure, skin the 
 fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, 
 turn the sows into the hay, beat the dog before 
 the lion, put the cart before the horse, scratch 
 where he did not itch, shoe the grasshopper, tickle 
 himself to make himself laugh, know flies in milk, 
 scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away, pull 
 at the kid's leather, reckon without his host, beat 
 the bushes without catching the birds, and thought 
 that bladdei's were lanterns. He always looked 
 a gift-horse in the mouth, hoped to catch larks if 
 ever the heavens should fall, and made a virtue 
 of necessity. Every morning his father's puppies 
 ate out of the dish with him, and, he witji them. 
 He would bite their ears, and they would scratch 
 his nose. 
 
 The good man Grangousier said to Gargantua's 
 governesses : " Philip, King of Macedon, knew the 
 wit of his son Alexander, by his skilful managing 
 of a horse; for the said horse was so fierce and 
 unruly that none durst adventure to ride him, 
 because he gave a fall to all his riders, breaking 
 the neck of this man, the leg of that, the brain of 
 one, and the jawbone of another. This by Alex- 
 ander being considered, one day in the hippo- 
 drome (which was a place appointed for the walk- 
 ing and running of horses) he perceived that the 
 fury of the horse proceeded merely from the fear 
 he had of, his own shadow ; whereupon, getting on 
 
GARGANTUA. ■ 1 1 
 
 his back he ran him against the sun, so that the 
 shadow fell behind, and by that means tamed the 
 horse and brought him to his hkn^. Whereby his 
 father recognised the divine judgment that was in 
 him, and caused him most carefully to be instructed 
 by Aristotle, who at that time was highly renowned 
 above all the philosophers of Greece. After the 
 same manner I tell you, that as regards my son 
 Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth 
 participate of some divinity, so keen, subtle, pro- 
 found, and clear do I find him ; and if he be well 
 taught, he will attain to a sovereign degree of 
 wisdom. Therefore will I commit him to some 
 learned man, to have him indoctrinated according 
 to his capacity, and will spare no cost." Where- 
 upon they appointed him a great sophister-doctor, 
 called, Maitre Tubal Holophernes, who taught him 
 his A B C so well that he could say it by heart 
 backwards ; and about this he was five years 
 and three months. Then read he to him Donat, 
 Facet, Theodolet, and Alanus m parabolis. About 
 this he was thirteen years, six months, and two 
 weeks. But you must remark, that in the mean- 
 time he did learn to write in Gothic characters, 
 and that he wrote all his books, — for the art of 
 printing was not then in use. After that he read 
 unto him the book De Modis significandi, with the 
 commentaries of Hurtebise, of Fasquin, of Trop- 
 diteux, of Gaulehaut, of John le Veau, of Billonio, 
 
12 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 of Brelingandus, and a rabble of others ; and 
 herein he spent more than eighteen years and 
 eleven months, and was so well versed in it, that, 
 at the examination, he would recite it by heart 
 backwards, and did sometimes prove on his 
 fingers to his mother, quod de modis significandi 
 non erat scientia. Then did he read to him the 
 Compost, on which he spent sixteen years and two 
 months, and that justly at the time that his said 
 Preceptor died, which was in the year one thousand 
 four hundred and twenty. Afterwards he got an- 
 other old fellow with a cough to teach him, named 
 Maitre Jobelin Brid4 who read unto him Hugutio, 
 Hebrard's Grecisme, the Doctrinal, the Parts, the 
 Quid est, the Supplementum, Marmotret, De Moribus 
 in niensa servandis; Seneca De quatuor virtutibus 
 cardinalibus ; Passavantus cmn commento, and Dor^ni 
 securi, for the holidays, and some other of suchlike 
 stuff, by reading whereof he became as wise as any 
 we have ever baked in an oven. 
 
 At the last his father perceived that indeed he 
 studied hard, and that, although he spent all his 
 time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, but 
 which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, 
 and blockish ; whereof making a heavy regret to 
 Don Philip des Marays, Viceroy of Papeligosse, 
 he found that it were better for him to learn 
 nothing at all than to be taught suchlike books 
 under such schoolmasters ; because their know- 
 
GARGANTUA. 1 3 
 
 ledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wis- 
 dom but toys, bastardising good and noble spirits, 
 and coiTupting the flower of youth. " That it is 
 so, take," said he, " any young boy of the present 
 time, who hath only studied two years ; if he have 
 not a better judgment, a better discourse, and that 
 expressed in better terms than your son, with a 
 completer carriage and civility to all manner of 
 persons, account me for ever a chawbacon of La 
 Brene." This pleased Grangousier very well, and 
 he commanded that it should be done. At night 
 at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a 
 young page of his, from Ville-gouges, called Eu- 
 demon, so well combed, so well dressed, so well 
 brushed, so sweet in his behaviour, that he re- 
 sembled a little angel more than a human crea- 
 ture. Then he said to Grangousier, "Do you 
 see this child.? He is not as yet full twelve 
 years old. Let us try, if it pleaseth you, what 
 difference there is betwixt the knowledge of 
 the doting dreamers of old time and the young 
 lads that are now." The trial pleased Gran- 
 gousier, and he commanded the page to begin. 
 Then Eudemon, asking leave of the viceroy his 
 master so to do, with his cap in his hand, a 
 clear and open countenance, ruddy lips, his eyes 
 steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua, with 
 a youthful modesty, stood up straight on his feet 
 and began to commend and magnify him, first. 
 
14 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for 
 his knowledge ; thirdly, for his nobility ; fourthly, 
 for his bodily beauty; and, in the fifth place, 
 sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with 
 all observancy, who was so careful to have him 
 well brought up. In the end he prayed him that 
 he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the 
 least of his servants ; for other favour at that time 
 desired he none of heaven, but that he might do 
 him some grateful and acceptable service. 
 
 All this was by him delivered with gestures so 
 proper, pronunciation so distinct, a voice so elo- 
 quent, language so well turned, and in such good 
 Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, 
 an .^milius of the time past, than a youth of his 
 age. But all the countenance that Gargantua 
 kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and 
 cast down his face, hiding it with his cap, nor 
 could they possibly draw one word from him. 
 Whereat his father was so grievously vexed, that 
 he would have killed Maitre Jobelin ; but the said 
 Des Marays withheld him from it by fair per- 
 suasions, so that at length he pacified his wrath. 
 Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid 
 his wages, that they should make him drink theo- 
 logically, after which he was to go to all the 
 devils. "At least," said he, "to-day shall it npt 
 cost his host much, if by chance he should die as 
 drunk as an Englishman." Maitre Jobelin being 
 
GARGANTUA. 1 5 
 
 gone out of the house, Grangousier consulted with 
 the viceroy what tutor they should choose for 
 Gargantua ; and it was betwixt them resolved that 
 Ponocrates, the tutor of Eudemon, should have 
 the charge, and that they should all go together 
 to Paris, to know what was the study of the young 
 men of France at that time. 
 
 THE EDUCATION OF GARGANTUA. 
 
 [The mare on which Gargantua rode to Paris was as big 
 as six elephants : she was brought by sea in three corvettes ^ 
 and a brigantine. With the whisking of her tail she laid! 
 low a whole forest. Mounted on her, Gargantua was re-i 
 ceived with great admiration by the Parisians, who, saysj 
 Rabelais, are more easily drawn together by a fiddler orj 
 a mule with bells than by an evangelical preacher — a pecu-l 
 liarity which they still preserve. The young giant rewarded! 
 their admiration by carrying away the belh of N6tre Dame,,i 
 to hang round the neck of his mare. To recover these^bells 
 the Parisians sent their most esteemed orator, Maitre Janotus 
 de Bragmardo, who came, like the Vice-Chancellor of Cam- 
 bridge, duly preceded by three bedells, and followed by 
 six Masters of Arts — Artless Masters — " Maistres Inerts," 
 Rabelais calls them. His oration is a parody on the pre- 
 tensions of the old - fashioned scholars, the> ostentatious 
 parade of bad Latin, and the learned discourses of doc- 
 tors. The bells are restored, and the orator rewarded. 
 Then we leave the realms of the miraculous and become 
 human again. Gargantua ceases, except at intervals, to be 
 
l6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 a giant, and Rabelais develops — it is the best, the wisest, 
 the most useful chapter of his book — his theory of what the 
 education of a prince should be.] 
 
 Ponocrates appointed that, for the beginning, he 
 should do as he had been accustomed, to the end 
 he might understand by what means, for so long 
 a time, his old masters had made him so foolish, 
 simple; and ignorant. He disposed, therefore, of 
 his time in such fashion that ordinarily he did 
 awake between eight and nine o'clock, whether it 
 was day or not, for so had his ancient governors 
 ordained, alleging that which David saith, Vanum 
 est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble 
 and wallow in the bed some time, the better 
 to stir up his vital spirits, and apparelled himself 
 according to the season : but willingly he would 
 wear a great long gown of thick frieze, lined with 
 fox fur. Afterwards he combed his head with the 
 German comb, which is the four fingers and the 
 thumb ; for his preceptors said, that to comb him- 
 self otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, 
 was to lose time in this world. Then, to suppress 
 the dew and bad air, he breakfasted on fair fried 
 tripe, fair grilled meats, fair hams, fair hashed capon, 
 and store of sippet brewis. Ponocrates showed him 
 that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out 
 of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise 
 beforehand. Gargantua answered: "What! have 
 not I sufficiently well exercised myself 1 I rolled 
 
GARGANTUA. 1 7 
 
 myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose. 
 
 Is not that enough ? Pope Alexander did so, by 
 
 the advice of a Jew, his physician, and lived till 
 
 his dyin g day in despite of the envious. iMy first 
 
 lasters have used me to it, saying that breakfast 
 
 makes a good memory, wherefore they drank first. 
 
 I am very well after it, and dine but the better. 
 
 And Maitre Tubal, who was the first licentiate at 
 
 Paris, told me that it is not everything to run a 
 
 pace, but to set forth well betimes : so doth not 
 
 the total welfare of our humanity depend upon 
 
 perpetual drinking atas, atas, like ducks, but on 
 
 drinking well in the morning ; whence the verse — 
 
 To rise betimes is no good hour, 
 To drink betimes is better sure." 
 
 After he had thoroughly broken his fast, he 
 went to church, and they carried for him in a 
 great basket, a huge breviary. There he heard 
 six-and-twenty or thirty masses. This while, to 
 the same place came his sayer of hours, lapped up 
 about the chin like a tufted whoop, and his breath 
 perfumed with good store of syrup. With him he 
 mumbled all his kyriels, which he so curiously 
 picked that there fell not so much as one grain 
 to the ground. As he went from the church, they 
 brought him, upon a dray drawn by oxen, a heap 
 of paternosters of Sanct Claude, every one of 
 them being of the bigness of a hat - block ; and 
 thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or 
 
 B 
 
1 8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 garden; he said more in turning them over than 
 sixteen hermits would have done. Then did he 
 study for some paltry half- hour with his eyes 
 fixed upon his book ; but, as the comic saith, his 
 mind was in the kitchen. Then he sat down at 
 table ; and, because he was naturally phlegmatic, 
 he began his meal with some dozens of hams, 
 dried neats' tongues, mullet's roe, chitterlings, and 
 such other forerunners of wine. In the mean- 
 while, four of his folks did cast into his mouth, 
 one after another continually, mustard by whole 
 shovelfuls. Immediately after that he drank a 
 horrific draught of white wine for the ease. of his 
 kidneys. When that was done, he ate according 
 to the season meat agreeable to his appetite, and 
 then left off eating when he was like to crack for 
 fulness. As for his drinking, he had neither end nor 
 rule. For he was wont to say, that the limits and 
 bounds of drinking were when the cork of the shoes 
 of him that drinketh swelleth up half a foot high. 
 
 Then heavily mumbling a scurvy grace, he 
 washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth 
 with the foot of a pig, and talked jovially with his 
 attendants. Then the carpet being spread, they 
 brought great store of cards, dice, and chess- 
 boards. 
 
 After having well played, revelled, passed and 
 spent his time, it was proper to drink a little, and 
 that was eleven goblets the man ; and immediately 
 
GARGANTUA. 19 
 
 after making good cheer again, he would stretch 
 himself upon a fair bench, or a good large bed, 
 and there sleep two or three hours together with- 
 out thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was 
 awakened he would shake his ears a little. In the 
 meantime they brought him fresh wine. Then he 
 drank better than ever. Ponocrates showed him 
 that it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. 
 " It is," answered Gargantua, " the very life of the 
 Fathers ; for naturally I sleep salt, and my sleep 
 hath been to me instead of so much ham." Then 
 began he to study a little, and the paternosters 
 first, which the better and more formally to de- 
 spatch, he got up on an old mule which had served 
 nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, 
 doddling his head, would go see a coney caught 
 in a net. At his return he went into the kitchen, 
 to know what roast-meat was on the spit ; and 
 supped very well, upon my conscience, and com- 
 monly did invite some of his neighbours that were 
 good drinkers — with whom carousing, they told 
 stories of all sorts, from the old to the new. After 
 supper were brought in upon the place the fair 
 wooden gospels — that is to say, many pairs of 
 tables and cards — with little small banquets, inter- 
 mixed with collations and reer-suppers. Then did 
 he sleep without unbridling, until eight o'clock in 
 the next morning. 
 
 When Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious 
 
20 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 manner of living," he resolved to bring him up in 
 another kind ; but for a while he bore with him, 
 considering that nature does not endure sudden 
 changes without great violence. Therefore, to 
 begin his work the better, he requested a learned 
 physician of that time, called Maitre Theodorus, 
 seriously to perpend, if it were possible, how to 
 bring Gargantua unto a better course. The said 
 physician purged him canonically with Anticyran 
 hellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all the 
 alteration and perverse habitude of his brain. By 
 this means also Ponocrates made him forget all 
 that he had learned under his ancient preceptors. 
 To do this better, they brought him into the com- 
 pany of learned men who were there, in emulation 
 of whom a great desire and affection came to him to 
 study otherwise, and to improve his parts. After- 
 wards he put himself into such a train of study that 
 he lost not any hour in the day, but employed all 
 his time in learning and honest knowledge. Gar- 
 gantua awaked, then, about four o'clock in the morn- 
 ing. Whilst they were rubbing him, there was 
 read unto him some chapter of the Holy Scripture 
 aloud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the 
 matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page 
 born in Basche, named Anagnostes. According 
 to the purpose and argument of that lesson, he 
 oftentimes gave himself to revere, adore, pray, and 
 send up his supplications to. that good God whose 
 
GARGANTUA. 2 1 
 
 word did show His majesty and marvellous judg- 
 ments. Then his master repeated what had been 
 read, expounding unto him the most obscure and 
 difficult points. They then considered the face of 
 the sky, if it was such as they had observed it the 
 night before, and into what signs the sun was enter- 
 ing, as also the moon for that day. This done, he 
 was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and per- 
 fumed, during which time they repeated to him the 
 lessons of the day before. He himself said them 
 by heart, and upon them grounded practical cases 
 concerning the estate of man, which he would pro- 
 secute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily 
 they ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. Then 
 for three good hours there was reading. This done^ 
 they went forth, still conferring of the substance 
 of the reading, and disported themselves at ball, 
 tennis, or the pile trigone, gallantly exercising their 
 bodies, as before they had done their minds. All 
 their play v/as but in liberty, for they left off when 
 they pleased, and that was commonly when they 
 did sweat, or were otherwise weary. Then were 
 they very well dried and rubbed, shifted their 
 shirts, and walking soberly, went to see if dinner 
 was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did 
 clearly and eloquently recite some sentences that 
 they had retained of the lecture. In the mean- 
 time Master Appetite came, and then very orderly 
 sat they down at table. At the beginning of the 
 
22 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 meal there was read some pleasant history of an- 
 cient prowess, until he had taken his wine. Then, 
 if they thought good, they continued reading, or 
 began to discourse merrily together ; speaking first 
 of the virtue, propriety, efficacy, and nature of 
 all that was served in at that table ; of bread, of 
 wine, of water, of salt, of flesh, fish, fruits, herbs, 
 roots, and of their dressing. By means whereof, 
 he learned in a little time all the passages that on 
 these subjects are to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus, 
 Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyrius, 
 Oppian, Polybius, Heliodorus, Aristotle, CElian, 
 and others. Whilst they talked of these things, 
 many times, to be the more certain, they caused 
 the very books to be brought to the table, and so 
 well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the 
 things above said, that in that time there was not 
 a_phj^sician that knew half so much as he did. 
 Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in 
 the morning, and ending their repast with some 
 conserve of quince, he washed his hands and eyes 
 with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in 
 some fine canticle, made in praise of the divine 
 bounty and munificence. This done, they brought 
 in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand 
 pretty tricks and new inventions, which were all 
 grounded upon arithmetic. By this means he fell 
 in love with that numerical science, and every day 
 after dinner and supper he passed his time in it as 
 
GARGANTUA. , 23 
 
 pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards and dice : 
 so that at last he understood so well both the 
 theory and practice thereof, that Tonstal the 
 Englishman, who had written very largely of that 
 purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him 
 he understood nothing but double Dutch ; and 
 not only in that, but in the other mathematical 
 sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music. For while 
 waiting for the digestion of his food, they made 
 a thousand joyous instruments and geometrical 
 figures, and at the same time practised the astro- 
 nomical canons. 
 
 After this they recreated themselves with singing 
 musically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme, 
 as it best pleased them. In matter of musical in- 
 struments, he learned to play the lute, the spinet, 
 the harp, the German flute, the flute with nine 
 holes, the violin, and the sackbut. This hour thus 
 spent, he betook himself to his principal study for 
 three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his 
 matutinal lectures as to proceed in the book where- 
 in he was, as also to write handsomely, to draw and 
 form the antique and Roman letters. This being 
 done, they went out of their house, and with them 
 a young gentleman of Touraine, named Gymnast, 
 who taught him the art of riding. Changing then 
 his clothes, he mounted on any kind of horse, which 
 he made to bound in the air, to jump the ditch, to 
 leap the palisade, and to turn short in a ring both 
 
24 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 to the right and left hand. There he broke not his 
 lance ; for it is the greatest foolishness in the world 
 to say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or in fight. 
 A carpenter can do even as much. But it is a 
 glorious and praiseworthy action with one lance to 
 break and overthrow ten enemies. Therefore with 
 a sharp, strong, and stiff lance would he usually 
 force a door, pierce a harness, uproot a tree, carry 
 away the ring, lift up a saddle, with the mail-coat 
 and gauntlet. All this he did in complete arms 
 from head to foot. He was singularly skilful in 
 leaping nimbly from one horse to another without 
 putting foot to ground. He could likewise from 
 either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horse- 
 back without stirrups, and rule the horse at his 
 pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful 
 in military engagements. Another day he exer- 
 cised the battle-axe, which he so dexterously 
 wielded that he was passed knight of arms in the 
 field and at all essays. 
 
 Then tossed he the pike, played with the two- 
 handed sword, with the back sword, with the 
 Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, un- 
 armed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target 
 Then would he hunt the hart, the roebuck, the 
 bear, the fallow-deer, the wild boar, the hare, the 
 pheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. He 
 played at the great ball, and made it bound in the 
 air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran. 
 
GARGANTUA. 25 
 
 jumped, not at three steps and a leap, nor at hop- 
 ping, nor yet at the German jump ; " for," said 
 Gymnast, " these jumps are for the wars altogether 
 unprofitable, and of no use : " but at one leap he 
 would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, 
 mount six paces upon a wall, climb after this 
 fashion up against a window, the height of a 
 lance. He did swim in deep waters on his face, 
 on his back, sidewise, with all his body, with his 
 feet only, with one hand in the ■ air, wherein he 
 held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the 
 river Seine without wetting, and dragging along 
 his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Csesar ; then 
 with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into 
 a boat, from whence he cast himself again head- 
 long into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed 
 the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. 
 Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it 
 swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the 
 stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with 
 one hand, and with the other laid hard about him 
 with a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied up 
 along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the 
 bulwarks, set the compass, tackled the bowlines, 
 and steered the helm. Coming out of the water, 
 he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the 
 same alacrity and swiftness ran down again. He 
 climbed up trees like a cat, leaped from the one to 
 the other like a squirrel. He did pull down the 
 
26 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 great boughs and branches, like another Milo ; 
 then with two sharp well-steeled daggers, and two 
 tried bodkins, would he run up by the wall to the 
 very top of a house like a rat ; then suddenly come 
 down from the top to the bottom, with such an 
 even composition of members, that by the fall he 
 would catch no harm. 
 
 He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the 
 stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or par- 
 tisan, and the halbert. He broke the strongest 
 bows in drawing, bended against his breast the 
 greatest cross-bows of steel, took his aim by the 
 eye with the hand-gun, traversed the cannon ; shot 
 at the butts, at the papegay, before him, sidewise, 
 and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a 
 cable-rope to the top of a high tower, by one end 
 whereof hanging near the ground he wrought him- 
 self with his hands to the very top ; then came 
 down again so sturdily and firmly that you could 
 not on a plain meadow have run with more assur- 
 ance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two 
 trees. There would he hang by his hands, and 
 with them alone, his feet touching at nothing ; 
 would go back and fore along the aforesaid rope 
 with so great swiftness, that hardly could one 
 overtake him with running. 
 
 Then, to exercise his breast and lungs, he would 
 shout like all the devils. I heard him once call 
 Eudemon from the Porte St Victor to Mont- 
 
GARGANTUA. 27 
 
 martre. Stentor never had such a voice at the 
 siege of Troy. 
 
 Then for the strengthening of his nerves, they 
 made him two g'reat pigs of lead, each in weight 
 8700 quintals. Those he took up from the ground, 
 in each hand one, then lifted them up over his 
 head, and held them so without stirring three 
 quarters of an hour or more, which was an inimi- 
 table force. 
 
 He fought at barriers with the stoutest;, and 
 when it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily 
 on his feet, that he abandoned himself unto the 
 strongest, in case they could remove him from 
 his place, as Milo was wont to do of old, — ■. in 
 imitation of whom he held a pomegranate in his 
 hand, to give it unto him that could take it from 
 him. 
 
 The time being thus bestowed, and himself 
 rubbed, cleansed, and refreshed with other clothes, 
 they returned fair and softly ; and passing through 
 certain meadows, or other grassy places, beheld 
 the trees and plants, comparing them with what 
 is written of them in the books of the ancients, 
 such as Theophrastus, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, 
 Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home to 
 the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young 
 page called Rhizotomos had charge — together with 
 hoes, picks, spuds, pruning - knives, and other in- 
 struments requisite for herborising. Being come 
 
28 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, 
 they repeated certain passages of that which had 
 been read, and then sat down at table. Here re- 
 mark, that his dinner was sober and frugal, for he 
 did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his 
 ■ stomach ; but his supper was copious and large, for 
 he took then as m.uch as was fit to maintain and 
 nourish him : which indeed is the true diet pre- 
 scribed by the art of good and sound physic, al- 
 though a rabble of fond physicians counsel the 
 contrary. During that repast was continued the 
 lesson read at dinner as long as they thought 
 good : the rest was spent in good discourse, 
 learned and profitable. After that they had 
 given thanks, they set themselves to sing musi- 
 cally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or at 
 those pretty sports made with cards, dice, or cups, 
 — thus made merry till ,it was time to go to bed ; 
 and sometimes they would go make visits unto 
 learned men, or to such as had been travellers in 
 strange countries. At full night they went unto 
 the most open place of the house to see the face 
 of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any 
 were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, 
 oppositions, and conjunctions of the stars. 
 
 Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, 
 after the manner of the Pythagoreans, that which 
 he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood 
 in the whole course of that day. 
 
GARGANTUA. 29 
 
 Then prayed they unto God the Creator, fall- 
 ing down before Him, and strengthening their faith 
 towards Him, and glorifying Him for His boundless 
 bounty ; and, giving thanks unto Him for the time 
 that was past, they recommended themselves to 
 His divine clemency for the future. Which being 
 done, they entered upon their repose. 
 
 If it happened that the weather were rainy and 
 inclement, the forenoon was employed according 
 to custom, except that they had a good clear fire 
 lighted, to correct the distempers of the air. But 
 after dinner, instead of their wonted exercitations, 
 they did abide within, and, by way of Apotherapie, 
 did recreate themselves in bottling hay, in cleav- 
 ing and sawing wood, and in threshing sheaves 
 of corn at the barn. Then they studied the art 
 of painting or carving ; or brought into use the 
 antique game of knucklebones, as Leonicus hath 
 written of it, and as our good friend Lascaris 
 playeth at it. While playing, they examined the 
 passages of ancient authors wherein the said play 
 is mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it. 
 They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, 
 or the casting of great ordnance : they went to 
 see the lapidaries, the goldsmiths and cutters 
 of precious stones, the alchemists, money - coin- 
 ers, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers, watch- 
 makers, looking-glass-makers, printers, organists, 
 dyers, and other such kind of artificers, and, every- 
 
30 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 where giving them wine, did learn and consider 
 the industry and invention of the trades. 
 
 They went also to hear the public lectures, the 
 solemn Acts, the repetitions, the declamations, the 
 pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and sermons of 
 evangelical preachers. 
 
 He went through the halls and places appointed 
 for fencing, and there played against the masters 
 at all weapons, and showed them by experience 
 that he knew as much in it as, yea more thai^they. 
 And instead of herborising, they visited the shops, 
 of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and 
 diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums, 
 seeds, and strange unguents, as also how they did 
 compound them. He went to see jugglers, tum- 
 blers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and con- 
 sidered their cunning, their shifts, their summer- 
 saults, and smooth tongues, especially of those of 
 Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, 
 and brave gibers of fibs, in matter of green apes. 
 
 At their return they did eat more soberly at 
 supper than at other times, and meats more des- 
 iccative and extenuating; to the end that the in- 
 temperate moisture of the air, communicated to 
 the body by a necessary confinity, might by this 
 means be corrected, and that they might not re- 
 ceive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bod- 
 ily exercise. Thus was Gargantua governed, and 
 kept on in this course of education, from day to 
 
GARGANTUA. 31 
 
 day profiting, as you may understand such a young 
 man of good sense, with such discipline so con- 
 tinued, may do. Which, although at the beginning 
 it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, 
 so easy, and so delightful, that it seemed rather 
 the recreation of a king than the study of a scholar. 
 Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this 
 vehement intention of spirit, thought fit, once in a > 
 month, upon some fair and clear day, to go out of 
 the city betimes in the morning, either towards 
 Gentilly or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charen- 
 ton-bridge, or to Vanves, or St Cloud, and there 
 spend all the day long in making the greatest cheer 
 that could be devised, sporting, making merry, 
 drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tum- 
 bling in some fair meadow, unnestling of sparrows, 
 taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crayfish. 
 But although that day was passed without books or 
 lecture, yet was it not spent without profit ; for in 
 the said meadows they repeated certain pleasant 
 verses of Virgil's Agriculture, of Hesiod, and of 
 Politian's Husbandry ; would set abroach some 
 witty Ilatin epigrams, then immediately turned 
 them into rondeaiix and ballades in the French 
 language. In their feasting they would sometimes 
 separate the water from the wine that was there- 
 with mixed— as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, and 
 Pliny — with an ivy cup : would wash the wine in a 
 basin full of water, then take it out again with a 
 
32 READINGS FROM- RABELAIS. 
 
 funnel : would make the water go from one glass 
 to another, and would contrive little automatic 
 engines — that is to say, machines moving of them- 
 selves. 
 
 ^ 
 
 THE ROUT OF SEUILLE. 
 
 [The education of Gargantua was interrupted by the 
 breaking out of the war with King Picrochole, commencing 
 in no more than the squabble between certain shepherds 
 and a party of cake-sellers of Lern^, who quarrelled and 
 broke each other's heads. The Lernd people complain to 
 their king Picrochole, who instantly, and without further 
 debate or consideration, commands the ban and arriere-ban 
 to be sounded through all the country, that all his vassals, 
 of whatever condition, should come with what arms they 
 have to the great Place before his castle. The army thus 
 hastily summoned is quickly collected, and immediately 
 sets out upon an invasion of Grandgousier's territory, all 
 marching in loose and undisciplined order, pillaging, cattle- 
 lifting, beating down the trees, and committing every kind 
 of outrage.] , 
 
 So much they did, and so far they went pillaging 
 and stealing, that at last they came to Seuille, 
 where they robbed both men and women, and 
 took all they could catch : nothing was either too 
 hot or too heavy for them. Although the plague 
 was there in the most part of the houses, they 
 nevertheless entered everywhere, and plundered 
 all that was within, and yet for all this not one 
 
GARGANTUA. 33 
 
 of them took any hurt — which is a most won- 
 derful case. For the vicars, curates, preachers, 
 physicians, chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went 
 to visit, dress, cure, preach unto, and admonish 
 those that were sick, were all dead with the infec- 
 tion ; and these devil of robbers and murderers 
 caught never any harm at all. Whence comes this 
 to pass, my masters ? I beseech you, think upon 
 it. The town being thus pillaged, they went unto 
 the abbey with a horrible tumult, but they found 
 it shut and made fast against them. Whereupon 
 the body of the army marched forward towards 
 the Ford of V6de, except seven companies of foot 
 and two hundred lancers, who, staying there, broke 
 down the walls of the close, in order to destroy 
 all the vines within the place. The poor devils 
 of monks knew not to which, of all their sancts 
 they should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all 
 adventures they rang ad capitulum capitulantes. 
 There it was decreed that they should make a 
 fair procession, stuffed with good preachers contra 
 hostium insidias, and fair responses /r(?/ac^. 
 
 There was then in the abbey a claustral monk 
 called Friar John des Entommeures, young, gallant, 
 frisk, lusty, nimble, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, 
 lean, wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher 
 of " hours," a fair unbridler of masses, a fair runner 
 over vigils ; and, to conclude summarily in a word, 
 a true monk, if ever there was any, since the monk- 
 
 C 
 
34 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ish world went monking in monkery : for the rest, 
 a clerk to the teeth in matter of breviary. This 
 monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made in 
 the close of the vineyard, went out to see what 
 they were doing ; and perceiving that they were 
 gathering their grapes, wherein was founded ■ all 
 their next year's drink, returned unto the quire of 
 the church where the other monks were, all amazed 
 and astonished like so many bell - melters. And 
 when.he heard them sing, " im,pe, e, e, e, e, turn.:, mn, 
 in, i, ni, i, mi, io, co, o, o, o, o, rum, um" he cried, 
 " Well sung ! By the Lord ! why do not you sing 
 'Panniers farewell, vintage is done'.*" The devil 
 take me if thdy be not already within the middle 
 of our close, and have so well chopped both vines 
 and grapes that there will not be found for these ■ 
 four years to come so much as a ^gleaning in it ! 
 Ventre St Jacques ! what shall we poor devils 
 drink the while } Seigneur Dieu, da mihi potum." 
 Then cried the claustral prior : " What should this 
 drunken fellow do here.' let him be carried to prison. 
 Thus to trouble divine service ! " " Nay," said the 
 monk, " the wine service— let us act so, that it be 
 not troubled ; for you yourself, my lord prior, love 
 to drink of the best, and so doth every honest 
 man. Never yet did a man of worth dislike good 
 wine — that is a monastic proverb. But these re- 
 sponses that you chant here are not in season. 
 Wherefore is it, that our devotions were instituted 
 
GARGANTUA. 35 
 
 to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, 
 and long in the advent and all the winter ? The 
 late friar. Mace Pelosse, of good memory, a truly 
 zealous man of our religion, told me, and I re- 
 member it well, how the reason was, that in this 
 season we might press and make the wine, and in 
 winter whiff it up. Hark ye, my masters, you 
 that love the wine — Cordieu ! — follow me ; St 
 Anthony burn me if those taste one drop of the 
 liquor who will not fight for the vine. Ventre 
 Dieu ! the goods of the Church ? Ha ! no, no. 
 What the devil, St Thomas of England was well 
 content to die for them ! if I died in the same 
 cause, should not I be a saint likewise .■' Never- 
 theless I shall not die there for them, for it is I 
 who shall make others do that same." 
 
 As he spake this, he threw off his great monk's 
 habit, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross, 
 which was made of the heart of a sorb-apple-tree, as 
 long as a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little 
 powdered with lilies called fleurs de lys, almost all 
 defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair 
 jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, 
 and with his shaft of the cross, laid on lustily upon 
 his enemies, who, without order or ensign, trumpet, 
 or drum, were gathering the grapes of the vine- 
 yard. For the cornets and ensigns had laid down 
 their standards by the wall-sides ; the drummers 
 had knocked out the heads of their drums at one 
 
36 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 end, to fill them with grapes ; the trumpeters were 
 loaded with bunches : every one of them was in 
 disorder. He hurried, therefore, upon them so 
 rudely, without crying gare, that he tumbled them 
 over like pigs, striking athwart and alongst, after 
 the old fashion of fencing. The brains of some he 
 scattered, the legs and arms of others he broke ; 
 for some he disjointed the spondyles of the neck, 
 for others he broke the reins, smashed the nose, 
 pulled out the eyes, cleft the mandibules, thrust 
 the teeth down the throat, shook apart the omo- 
 plates, sphacelated the shins, caved in the ribs, 
 broke the joints. If any offered to hide himself 
 amongst the thickest of the vines, he broke the 
 ridge of his back, and smashed his reins like a dog. 
 If any thought by flight to escape, he made his 
 head to fly in pieces by the lambdoidal commissure. 
 If any one did scramble up into a tree, thinking 
 there to be safe, he impaled him with his staff. 
 If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out 
 " Ha, Friar John ! my friend, Friar John, I yield 
 myself! " " So thou shalt," said he, " and must 
 withal render and yield up thy soul to all the 
 devils," then suddenly gave him dronos. If any 
 was so rash and full, of temerity as to resist him to 
 his face, then was it he did show the strength of 
 his muscles, for he did transpierce him, by running 
 him in at the breast, through the mediastine and 
 the heart. Believe me, that it was the most hor- 
 
GARGANTUA. -i^-j 
 
 rible spectacle that ever one saw. Some cried 
 upon St Barbe ; others on St George : some on St 
 Nitouche ; others on our Ladyyof Cunault, on our 
 Lady of Laurette, on our Lady of Bonnes Nou- 
 velles, of La Lenou, of Riviere. Some vowed a 
 pilgrimage to St James, and others to the holy 
 handkerchief at Chambery; but three months after- 
 wards that was burned so well in the fire that they 
 could not get one thread of it saved. Others to 
 St Cadouin, others to St John d'Angely, others to 
 St Eutropius of Xaintes, to St Mexme of Chinon, 
 St Martin of Candes, St Clouaud of Sinays, the 
 holy relics of Jourezay, with a thousand other good 
 little saints. Some died without speaking, others 
 spoke without dying ; some died while they were 
 speaking, others spoke while they were dying. 
 Others shouted as loud as they could, " Confession, 
 confession, confiteor, miserere, in meatus ! " So great 
 was the cry of the wounded, that the prior of the 
 abbey with all his monks came forth, and when 
 they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the 
 vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of 
 them. But whilst the priests were amusing them- 
 selves in confessing, the little monkitos ran to the 
 place where Friar John was, and asked him, wherein 
 he would be pleased to require their assistance .■' 
 To which he answered, that they should cut the 
 throats of those he had thrown down upon the 
 ground. Thereupon, leaving their outer habits 
 
38 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 upon a trellis, they began to throttle and make 
 an end of those whom he had already crushed. 
 Can you tell with what instruments they did it ? 
 With fair gullies, which are little demi- knives, 
 wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe 
 walnuts in two. In the meantime Friar John, with 
 his baton of the cross, got to the breach which the 
 enemies had made. Some of the monkitos carried 
 the standards and colours into their cells and cham- 
 bers to make garters of them. But when those 
 who had been shriven would have gone out at the 
 said breach, the monk felled them down with 
 blows, saying, " These men have had confession 
 and are repentant, they have got their absolution : 
 they go into Paradise as straight as any sickle." 
 Thus by his prowess and valour were discomfited 
 air those of the army that entered into the close of 
 the abbey unto the number of thirteen thousand 
 six hundred twenty and two, besides the women 
 and little children, which is always to be under- 
 stood. Never did Maugis the Hermit (of whom it 
 is written in the Acts of the Four Sons of Aymon) 
 bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon against 
 the Saracens, than did this monk against his ene- 
 mies with the staff of the cross. 
 
GARGANTUA. 39 
 
 THE DREAM OF PICROCHOLE. 
 
 [The peace-loving King Grandgousier exhausts every 
 means of preventing a conflict, but in vain. Having re- 
 jected the last overtures, King Picrochole holds a council 
 of war.] 
 
 The cakes being unloaded, there came before 
 Picrochole the Duke of Menuail, the Count Spa- 
 dassin, and Captain Merdaille, who said unto him, 
 "Sire, this day we make you the happiest, the' 
 most chivalrous prince that ever was since the 
 death of Alexander of Macedonia." " Be covered, 
 be covered," said Picrochole. "We thank you," 
 said they ; " we do but our duty. The manner is 
 thus. You shall leave some captain here to have 
 the charge of this garrison, with a small party to 
 keep the place, which, besides its natural strength, 
 is made stronger by the ramparts of your devising. 
 Your army you will divide into two parts, as you 
 know very well how to do. One part thereof shall 
 fall upon Grangousier and his forces. By it shall 
 he be easily at the very first shock routed, and 
 then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown 
 hath store. Clown we call him, because a gener- 
 ous prince hath never a penny. To hoard up 
 treasure is a clown's trick. The other part of the 
 army in the meantime shall draw towards Onys, 
 Saintonge, Angoumois, and Gascony ; then to 
 
40 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Perigord, Medoc, and the Landes. Without re- 
 sistance they will take towns, castles, and forts. 
 At Bayonne, St Jean de Luz, Fontarabia, you 
 will seize upon the ships, and coasting along 
 Gallicia and Portugal, will pillage all the mari- 
 time places, even unto Lisbon, where you will be 
 supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. 
 Par la Corbieu ! Spain will yield, for they are but 
 a race of lubbers. Then are you to pass by the 
 Straits of Gibraltar, where you will erect two 
 * pillars more stately than those of Hercules, to 
 the perpetual memory of your name, and it shall 
 be called the Picrocholinal Sea. Having passed 
 the Picrocholinal Sea, behold, Barbarossa yields 
 himself your slave." 
 
 " I will," said Picrochole, " give him fair quarter." 
 "Yea," said they, "so that he be content to be 
 christened. Then you will conquer the kingdoms 
 of Tunis, of Hippo, Algiers, Bona,. Corona, yea, 
 all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into 
 your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, 
 with the other islands of the Ligustic and Balearic 
 seas. Going along on the left hand, you shall rule 
 all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the AUobroges, 
 Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then good-bye Rome. 
 Poor Monsieur the Pope already dies for fear." 
 "By my faith," said Picrochole, "I will not kiss 
 his slipper ! " 
 
 Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, 
 
GARGANTUA. 4 1 
 
 Apulia, and Sicily all ransacked, and Malta too. 
 I should like to see the pleasant Knights hereto- 
 fore of Rhodes trying to resist you ! "I would," said 
 Picrochole, " very willingly go to Loretto." " No, 
 no," said they, " that shall be at our return. Thence 
 we will sail eastwards, and take Candia, Cyprus, 
 Rhodes, and the Cyclades, and set upon the Morea. 
 It is ours, by St Trenian ! The Lord preserve Je- 
 rusalem ! for the great Soldan is not comparable 
 to you in power." " I will then," said he, " cause 
 Solomon's Temple to be built." " No," said they, 
 " not yet ; have a little patience, stay a while — be 
 never too sudden in your enterprises. Do you 
 know what Octavian Augustus said .' Festina lente. 
 It is requisite that you first have the Lesser Asia, 
 Caria, Lycia, Pamphylia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, 
 Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, 
 Castamena, Luga, Savasta, even unto Euphrates." 
 " Shall we see," said Picrochole, " Babylon and 
 Mount Sinai 1 " "There is no need," said they, "at 
 this time. Has there not been enough toil in hav- 
 ing passed over the Hircanian Sea, ridden across 
 the two Armenias, and the three Arabias ? " " By 
 my faith," said he, " we are undone ! Ha, poor 
 souls ! " " What's the matter .' " said they. " What 
 shall we have," said he, " to drink m these deserts .'' 
 for Julian Augustus with his whole host died there 
 for thirst, as they say." "We have already," said 
 they, "given order for that. In the Syrian Sea 
 
42 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships 
 laden with the best wines in the world. They 
 arrived at the port of Jaffa. There are found two- 
 and-twenty thousand camels, and sixteen hundred 
 elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunt- 
 ing about Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia ; 
 and besides this, you had all the Mecca caravan. 
 Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine .■" " 
 " Yes ; but,'' said he, " we did not drink it fresh." 
 " By the virtue," said they, " not of a fish, a valiant 
 man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to 
 the monarchy of the world, cannot always have • 
 his ease. God be thanked that you and your 
 men are come safe and sound unto the banks of 
 the river Tigris !" " But," said he, " what doth that 
 part of our army in the meantime, which over- 
 throws that unworthy swill - pot Grangousier .'' " 
 " They are not idle," said they ; " we shall meet 
 with them by-and-by. They shall have won you 
 Brittany, Normandy, .Flanders, Hainault, Bra- 
 bant, Artois, Holland, Zealand ; they have passed 
 the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and 
 Lansquenets, and a part of them hath conquered 
 Luxemburg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy, 
 even to Lyons, in which place they have met 
 with your forces returning from the naval con- 
 quest of the Mediterranean Sea ; and have rallied 
 again in Bohemia, after they had plundered and 
 sacked Suabia, Wirtemberg, Bavaria, Austria, 
 
GARGANTUA. 43 
 
 Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely to- 
 gether upon Lubeck, Norway, Sweden, Rugen, 
 Denmark, Gothia, Greenland, the Easterlings, even 
 unto the Frozen Sea. This done, they conquered 
 the Isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland, Eng- 
 land, and Ireland. From thence sailing through 
 the sandy sea, and by the Sarmatians, they have 
 vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lithu- 
 ania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, 
 Bulgaria, Turquey, and are now at Constanti- 
 nople." " Come," said Picrochole, " let us go join 
 with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Tre- 
 bizonde also. Shall we not kill all these dogs, 
 Turks and Mahometans ? " " What a devil should 
 we do else .'' " said they. " And you shall give 
 their goods and lands to such as shall have served 
 you honestly." " Reason," said he, " will have it 
 so — that is but just. I give unto you Caramania, 
 Syria, and all Palestine." " Ha, sire ! " said they, 
 " it is out of your goodness ; we thank you. God 
 grant you may always prosper ! " 
 
 There was there present at that time an old 
 gentleman well experienced in wars, and who had 
 been in many hazards, named Echephron, who, 
 hearing this discourse, said,—" I do greatly doubt 
 that all this enterprise will be like the tale of the 
 pitcher full of milk, wherewith a shoemaker made 
 himself rich in conceit ; but when the pitcher was 
 broken, he had not whereupon to dine. What 
 
44 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 do you pretend by these large conquests ? What 
 shall be the end of so many labours and crosses ? " 
 " Thus it shall be," said Picrochole, " that when we 
 are returned, we shall sit down, rest, and be merry." 
 "But," said Echephron, "if by chance you should 
 never come back — for the voyage is long and dan- 
 gerous — were it not better for us to take our rest 
 now, without exposing ourselves to dangers ? " 
 " Par Dieu ! " said Spadassin, " here is a good do- 
 tard; come, go hide ourselves in the corner of 
 a chimney, and there let us spend the whole time 
 of our life amongst ladies, threading of pearls, or 
 spinning, like Sardanapalus. 'Who nothing ven- 
 tures, hath neither horse nor mule,' says Solo- 
 mon." "Who ventures too much," said Eche- 
 phron, " loseth both horse and mule, as answered 
 Malchon.'' " Enough," said Picrochole ; " go for- 
 ward. I fear nothing but these devilish legions 
 of Grangousier: whilst we are in Mesopotamia, 
 should they come up on our rear, what course 
 should we take .' " " A very good one," said Mer- 
 daille : " a pretty little commission, which you must 
 send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into the 
 field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand 
 choice men of war. I fret, I charge, I strike, I 
 take, I kill, I swear." " On, on," said Picrochole : 
 " niake haste, my lads ; let him that loves me 
 follow me." 
 
GARGANTUA. 
 
 FRIAR JOHN AT SUPPER. 
 
 45 
 
 [Meantime Gargantua, a giant again, is speeding on his 
 great mare to his father's help. He tears up a whole tree 
 for lance and dub, receives cannon-balls as if they were 
 grape-kernels, and entirely destroys the castle at the Ford 
 of V^de, and stops up the river with dead bodies of the 
 enemy. Then he arrives at his father's castle, where they 
 have^a grand feast, the memi. of which is preserved for us 
 by the author. An accident, which might have been at- 
 tended with serious consequences, befell six pilgrims who 
 were unfortunately hiding in the salad, and would have 
 been swallowed by Gargantua, but that they stuck in his 
 teeth. How they escaped, what further misfortunes over- 
 took those pilgrims, and how they consoled themselves, may 
 be sought in the original text] 
 
 When Gargantua was set down at table, after 
 all of them had somewhat stayed their stomachs, 
 Grangousier began to relate the source and cause 
 of the war raised between him and Picrochole ; 
 and came to tell how Friar John des Entommeures 
 had triumphed at the defence of the abbey close, 
 and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, 
 Scipio, Pompey, Csesar, and Themistocles. Then 
 Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent 
 for, to the end that with him they might consult 
 of what was to be done. Whereupon, by his 
 command, his mattre d'hdtel went for him, and 
 to God, but mocking of God. The Lord help them 
 if they pray for us, and not through fear of losing 
 
46 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 their good fat pottage. All true Christians, of all 
 conditions, in all places, and at< all times, send up 
 their prayers to God, and the Spirit prayeth and 
 intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. 
 Now such a one is our good Friar John, therefore 
 every man desireth to have him in his company. 
 He is no bigot, he is not in rags, but honest, jovial, 
 resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, he labours, 
 he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, he 
 helps the suffering, he guards the abbey close. 
 
 " I do," said the monk, " more than this ; for while 
 working off matins and anniversaries by heart, I 
 twist strings for an arbalest, or I polish up the stock 
 and the bolt. I make nets and traps to catch 
 coneys. Never am I idle. But, ho, there — drink ! " 
 
 Supper being ended, they consulted of the 
 business in hand ; and it was concluded that about 
 midnight they should fall unawares upon the 
 enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward 
 they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should 
 take a little rest, the better to refresh themselves. 
 But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, 
 on which side soever he turned himself. Where- 
 upon the monk said to him, " I never sleep soundly 
 but when I am at sermon or prayers. Let us 
 therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential 
 psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall 
 asleep." The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, 
 and beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as 
 
GARGANTUA. 47 
 
 they came to the words, Beati quorum, they fell 
 asleep both the one and the other. But the monk 
 being accustomed to the hour of claustral matins, 
 failed not to awake a little before midnight. Being 
 up himself, he awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, 
 and with a full clear voice, the song — 
 
 " Ho ! Regnault, resveille toy ! 
 Veille, O Regnault, resveille toy ! " 
 
 When they were all roused and up, he said : 
 " My masters, they say that we begin matins with 
 coughing, and supper with drinking. Let us now, 
 in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with 
 drinking, and at night before supper we shall 
 cough as hard as we can." 
 
 " What ! " said Gargantua, " to drink so soon 
 after sleep .^ This is not to live according to the 
 diet and prescript rule of the physicians." 
 
 " Oh, well physicked," said the monk ; "a hundred 
 devils leap into my body, if there be not more old 
 drunkards than old physicians ! I have made this 
 paction and covenant with my appetite, that it 
 always lieth down and goes to bed with myself, 
 for to that I every day give very good order ; then 
 the next morning it also riseth with me, and gets 
 up when I am awake. Mind your cures as you 
 will. I will get me to my breviary, for by 
 taking this merry little breviary in the morning, 
 I scour all my lungs, and am presently ready to 
 drink." 
 
48 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " After what manner," said Gargantua, " do you 
 say these fair hours and prayers of yours ? " 
 
 " After the manner of Fecan," said the monk ; 
 "by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing 
 at all, he that will. I never tie myself to hours ; 
 they are made for man, and not man for hours. 
 Therefore is it that I make my prayers in fashion 
 of stirrup-leathers ; I shorten or lengthen them 
 when I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat ccelos 
 et longa potatio evacuat scyphos. Where is that 
 written 1 " 
 
 " By my faith," saith Ponocrates, " I cannot tell, 
 my pillicock ; but thou are more worth than gold." 
 
 " Therein," said the monk, " I am like you : but, 
 venite, apotemus." 
 
 Then made they ready store of carbonadoes 
 and good fat soups ; and the monk drank what he 
 pleased. Some kept him company, and the rest 
 did forbear. Afterwards every man began to arm 
 and befit himself for the field. And they armed 
 the monk against his will ; for he desired no other 
 armour before his breast but his frock, nor any 
 other weapon in his hand but the staff of the cross. 
 Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed 
 cap-a-pie, and mounted upon a good Naples char- 
 ger with a good sword by his side ; and with him 
 were Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, 
 and fiye-and-twenty of the most adventurous of 
 Grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their 
 
GARGANTUA. 49 
 
 lances in their hands, mounted like St George, 
 and every one of them having a harquebusier be- 
 hind him. 
 
 AFTER THE BATTLE. 
 
 [Picrochole, so far from realising his 'great dream of 
 universal conquest, is routed with great slaughter by the 
 valiant Gargantua and his companions.] 
 
 Picrochole, thus in despair, fled towards Bouchard 
 I'Isle, and on the road to Riviere his horse stum- 
 bled and fell, whereat he was so incensed that he 
 with his sword without more ado killed him in his 
 choler ; then, not finding any that would re- 
 mount him, he was about to have taken an ass 
 at the mill that was there by, but the miller's men 
 basted his bones, stripped him of all his clothes, 
 and gave him a stable jacket. Thus went this 
 poor choleric wretch, who, passing the water at 
 Port-Huaux, and relating his misadventurous dis- 
 asters, was foretold by an old hag that his kingdom 
 should be restored to him at the coming of the 
 Cocquecigrues. What is become of him since we 
 cannot certainly tell, yet was I told that he is now 
 a porter at Lyons, as choleric as before. And 
 always he inquires of all strangers of the coming 
 of the Cocquecigrues, expecting assuredly, accord- 
 ing to the old woman's prophecy, that at their 
 
 D 
 
so READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 coming he shall be re-established in his kingdom. 
 After their retreat Gargantua called the muster- 
 roll of his men, which when he had done, he found 
 that there were very few either killed or wounded, 
 only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, 
 and Ponocrates, who was shot with a musket-ball 
 through the doublet. Then he caused them all 
 to take refreshment, and gave order to the treas- 
 urers to pay for and defray that repast, and that 
 there should be no outrage at all, nor abuse com- 
 mitted in the town, seeing it was his own. And 
 furthermore commanded, that immediately after 
 the repast the soldiers should appear before the 
 castle, there to receive six months' pay. All which 
 was done. After this, by his direction, were 
 brought before him in the said place all those that 
 remained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the 
 presence of the princes, nobles, and officers of his 
 court and army, he spoke as foUoweth : — 
 
 " Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have 
 been of this nature and disposition, that, upon the 
 winning of a battle, they have chosen rather, for a 
 sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, 
 to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts of 
 the vanquished by clemency, than by architecture 
 in the lands which they had conquered. For they 
 did hold in greater estimation the lively remem- 
 brance of men, purchased by liberality, than the 
 dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, 
 
GARGANTUA. 5 1 
 
 subject to the injury of storms and tempests, and 
 to the envy of every one. You may very well 
 remember the courtesy which by them was used 
 towards the Bretons on the day of St Aubin of 
 Cormier, and at the demolishing of Partenay. 
 You have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle 
 comportment towards those at the barbarians of 
 Spain, who had plundered, wasted, and ransacked 
 the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois. 
 All the heavens were filled with the praises and 
 congratulations which yourselves and your fathers 
 inade, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre, not satis- 
 fied with his own fortunes, did most furiously 
 invade the land of Onys, and with cruel piracies 
 molest all the Armorick Islands and neighbouring 
 regions. Yet was he in a set fight overthrown by 
 my father, whom God preserve and protect. But 
 what .'' Whereas other kings and emperors, yea, 
 those who entitle themselves Catholics, would have 
 dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, 
 and put him to high ransom, he entreated him 
 courteously, lodged him kindly with himself in his 
 own palace, and out of his incredible gentle dis- 
 position sent him back with a safe-conduct, laden 
 with gifts, laden with favours, laden with all offices 
 of friendship. What fell out upon it ? Being 
 returned into his country, he called a parliament, 
 where all the princes and states of his kingdom 
 being assembled, he showed them the humanity 
 
52 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 which he had found in us, and therefore wished 
 them to take such course by way of compensation 
 therein, as that the whole world might be edified 
 by the example, as well of their honest gracious- 
 ness to us as of our gracious honesty towards 
 them. The result hereof was, that it was voted 
 and decreed by a unanimous consent, that they 
 should offer up entirely their lands, dominions, 
 and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us according 
 to our pleasure. 
 
 " Alpharbal in his own person presently returned 
 with nine thousand and thirty-eight great ships of 
 burden, bringing with him the treasures not only 
 of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all 
 the country besides. For when he embarked to 
 set sail with a west-north-east wind, every one in 
 heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, 
 jewels, spices, drugs, aromatic perfumes, parrots, 
 pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, and porcupines. He 
 was accounted no good mother's son that did not 
 cast in all the rare and precious things he had. 
 
 " Being safely arrived, he would have kissed my 
 feet. That action was found unworthy, and there- 
 fore was not permitted, but in exchange he was 
 most cordially embraced. He offered his presents; 
 they were not received, because they were too 
 excessive : he yielded himself voluntarily a servant 
 and vassal, and was content his whole posterity 
 should be liable to the same bondage ; this was 
 
GARGANTUA. 53 
 
 not accepted of, because it seemed not equitable : 
 he surrendered, by virtue of the decree of his 
 states, his whole countries and kingdoms to him, 
 offering the deed and- conveyance, signed, sealed, 
 and ratified by those that were concerned in it ; 
 this was altogether refused, and the parchments 
 cast into the fire. In the end, this free goodwill 
 and simple meaning of the Canarrines wrought 
 such tenderness in my father's heart that he could 
 not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most 
 profusely ; then, by choice words and becoming 
 sentences, strove in what he could to diminish 
 the estimation of the good offices which he had 
 done them, saying that any courtesy he had con- 
 ferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what 
 favour soever he had showed them, he was bound 
 to do it. But so much the more did Alpharbal 
 augment the repute thereof What was the issue .' 
 Whereas for his ransom, in the greatest extremity 
 of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could not 
 have been exacted above twenty times a hundred 
 thousand crowns, and his eldest sons detained as 
 hostages till that sum had been paid, they made 
 themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to 
 give us every year two millions of gold at four-and- 
 twenty carats fine. The first year we received the 
 whole sum of two millions; the second year, of 
 their own accord they paid freely to us three-and- 
 twenty hundred thousand crowns ; the third year, 
 
54 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 six -and -twenty hundred thousand; the fourth 
 year, three millions, — and do so increase it always 
 out of their own goodwill, that we shall be con- 
 strained to forbid them to bring us any more. 
 This is the nature of gratitude and true thankful- 
 ness. For time, which gnaws and diminishes all 
 things else, augments and increases benefits ; be- 
 cause a noble action of liberality, done to a man of 
 reason, doth grow continually, by his generous 
 thinking of it and remembering it. 
 
 "Being unwilling, therefore, any way to degener- 
 ate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of 
 my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you, and 
 set you at liberty. Moreover, at your going out of 
 the gate, you shall have every one of you three 
 months' pay to bring you home into your houses 
 and families, and shall have a safe convoy of six 
 hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under 
 the conduct of Alexander, my equerry, that the 
 peasants may not do you any injury. God be 
 with you ! I am sorry from my heart that Picro- 
 chole is not here ; for I would have given him to 
 understand that this war was undertaken against 
 my will, and without any hope to increase either 
 my goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, and 
 that no man can tell where, nor how he went away, 
 it is my will that this kingdom remain entire to his 
 son ; who, because he is too young — he not being 
 yet full five years old — shall be brought up and 
 
GARGANTUA, 
 
 55 
 
 instructed by the ancient princes and learned men 
 of the kingdom. And because a realm thus deso- 
 late may easily come to ruin, if the covetousness 
 and avarice of those who administrate it be not 
 curbed and restrained, I ordain that Ponocrates 
 be viceroy over all these governors, with whatever 
 power and authority is requisite thereto, and that 
 he be continually with the child, until he find him 
 able and capable to rule and govern by himself 
 
 "Now I must tell you, that you are to understand 
 how a too feeble and dissolute facility in pardon- 
 ing evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit 
 wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this 
 pernicious confidence of receiving favour. I con- 
 sider how Moses, the meekest man that was in 
 his time upon the earth, did severely punish the 
 mutinous and seditious people of Israel. I con- 
 sider likewise how Julius Csesar — who was so 
 gracious an emperor that Cicero said of him that 
 his fortune had nothing more excellent than that 
 he could, and his virtue nothing better than that 
 he would, always save and pardon every man, — he, 
 notwithstanding all this, did in certain places most 
 rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. After 
 the example of these good men, it is my will and 
 pleasure that you deliver over unto me, before you 
 depart hence, first, the fellow Marquet, who was 
 the prime cause and origin of this war, by his vain 
 presumption ; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, 
 
S6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 who were negligent in checking his folly on the 
 spot ; and lastly, all the counsellors, captains, offi- 
 cers, and domestics of Picrochole, who have incited 
 him, flattered him, and counselled him to come 
 out of his limits thus to trouble us." 
 
 When Gargantua had finished his speech, the 
 seditious men whom he required were delivered 
 up unto him, except three captains, who ran away 
 six hours before the battle, and two of the cake- 
 bakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantua 
 did them no other hurt, but that he appointed 
 them to pull the presses of his printing-house, 
 which he had newly set up. Then those who 
 died there he caused to be honourably buried in 
 the valley of Noirettes and the field of Brusle- 
 vieille, and gave order that the wounded should 
 be dressed and had care of in his great hospital. 
 After this, considering the great prejudice done 
 to the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed 
 them for all the losses stated by confession and 
 upon oath ; and for their better defence and 
 security in times coming against all sudden up- 
 roars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel 
 to be built there, with a competent garrison to 
 maintain it. At his departure he did very gra- 
 ciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that 
 had been at this overthrow, and sent them back 
 to their winter quarters in their several stations 
 and garrisons ; some of the decumane legion only 
 
GARGANTUA. 5/ 
 
 excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw- 
 do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom 
 he brought along with himself unto Grangousier. 
 
 At the sight and coming of them, the good man 
 was so joyful that it is not possible fully to de- 
 scribe it. He made them a feast the most mag- 
 nificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen 
 since the time of the King Ahasuerus. At the 
 taking up of the table he distributed amongst 
 them his whole cupboard of plate, which weighed 
 eighteen hundred thousand and fourteen besants 
 of gold, in great antique vessels, great pots, great 
 basins, great cups, goblets, candlesticks, baskets, 
 and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, be- 
 sides the precious stones, enamelling, and work- 
 manship, which by all men's estimation was more 
 worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto 
 every one of them out of his coffers caused he to 
 be given the sum of twelve hundred thousand 
 crowns ready money. And further, he gave to 
 each of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless 
 they should die without heirs, such castles and 
 neighbouring lands of his as were most commo- 
 dious for them. To Ponocrates he gave La Roche 
 Clermauld ; to Gymnast, Coudray ; to Eudemon, 
 Montpensier; Rivau, toTolmere; to Ithybole, Mont- 
 soreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; 
 Gravot, to Sebaste ; Quinquenais, to Alexander ; 
 Ligr^, to Sophrone, — and so of his other places. 
 
$8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 THE ABBEY OF THELEMA. 
 
 There was left only the monk to provide for, 
 whom Gargantua would have made Abbot of 
 Seuill^ but he refused it. He would have given 
 him the Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, 
 which was better, or both, if it pleased him ; but 
 the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, 
 that he would never take upon him the charge 
 nor government of monks. " EorJiow^shallJ be 
 abie," said he, " to rule over others, that have not 
 full power and command of myself? If you think 
 I have done you, or may hereafter do you, any 
 acceptable service, give me leave to found an 
 abbey after my own mind and fancy." The mo- 
 tion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon 
 offered him all the country of Thelema by the 
 river Loire, till within two leagues of the great 
 forest of Port-Huaut. The monk then requested 
 Gargantua to institute his religious order contrary 
 to all others. " First, then," said Gargantua, " you 
 must not build a wall about your convent, for all 
 other abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. 
 Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the 
 world, whereof the custom is, if any women come 
 in — I mean honourable and honest women — they 
 immediately sweep the ground which they have 
 trod upon ; therefore was it ordained, that if any 
 
GARGANTUA. 
 
 59 
 
 man or woman, entered into religious orders, 
 should by chance come within this new abbey, 
 all the rooms should be thoroughly washed and 
 cleansed through which they had passed. And 
 because in other monasteries all is compassed, 
 limited, and regulated by hours, it was decreed 
 that in this new structure there should be neither 
 clock nor dial, but that according to the oppor- 
 tunities, and incident occasions, all their works 
 should be disposed of; for," said Gargantua, "the 
 greatest loss of time that I know is to count 
 the hours. What good comes of it ? Nor can 
 there be any greater folly in the world than for 
 one to guide and direct his courses by the sound 
 of a bell, and not by his own judgment and 
 discretion. 
 
 " Item, Because at that time they put no women 
 into nunneries but such as were either one-eyed, 
 lame, humpbacked, ill-favoured, misshapen, fool- 
 ish, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered 
 any men but those that were either sickly, ill- 
 bred, clownish, and the trouble of the house." 
 "Apropos," said the monk, — "a woman that is 
 neither fair nor good, to what use serves she ? " 
 "To make a nun of," said Gargantua. "Yea," 
 said the monk, "and to make shirts." "There- 
 fore," Gargantua said, "was it ordained, that into 
 this religious order should be admitted no women 
 that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet 
 
6o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 disposition ; nor men that were not comely, per- 
 sonable, and also of a sweet disposition. 
 
 " Item, Because in the convents of women men 
 come not but underhand, privily, and by stealth ; 
 it was therefore enacted that in this house there 
 shall be no women in case there be not men, nor 
 men in case there be not women. 
 
 " Item, Because both men and women that are 
 received into religious orders after the year of their 
 novitiate were constrained and forced perpetually 
 to stay there all the days of their life; it was 
 ordered that all whatever, men or women, ad- 
 mitted within this abbey, should have full leave 
 to depart with peace and contentment, whenso- 
 ever it should seem good to them so to do. 
 
 " Item, For that the religious men and women 
 did ordinarily make three vows — to wit, those of 
 chastity, poverty, and obedience ; it was therefore 
 constituted and appointed that in this convent 
 they might be honourably married, that they 
 might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard to 
 the legitimate age, the women were to be ad- 
 mitted from ten till fifteen, and the men from 
 twelve till eighteen." 
 
 For the fabric and furniture of the abbey, Gar- 
 gantua caused to be delivered out in ready money 
 twenty-seven hundred thousand, eight hundred and 
 one-and-thirty of those long-woolled rams ; and for 
 every year until the whole work was completed 
 
GARGANTUA. 6 1 
 
 he allotted threescore nine thousand gold crowns, 
 and as many of the seven stars, to be charged 
 all upon the receipt of the river Dive. For the 
 foundation and maintenance thereof he settled in 
 perpetuity three-and-twenty hundred, threescore 
 and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose 
 nobles, taxes exempted from all in landed rents, 
 and payable every year at the gate of the abbey ; 
 and for this gave them fair letters patent. 
 
 The building was hexagonal, and in such a 
 fashion that in every one of the six corners there 
 was built a great round tower, sixty paces in 
 diameter, and were all of a like form and bigness. 
 Upon the north side ran the river Loire, on the 
 bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. 
 Going towards the east there was another called 
 Calaer, the next following Anatole, the next Mes- 
 embrine, the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. 
 Between each tower was the space of three hun- 
 dred and twelve paces. The whole edifice was 
 built in six storeys, reckoning the cellars under 
 ground for one. The second was vaulted after the 
 fashion of a basket-handle, the rest were coated 
 with Flanders plaster, in the form of a lamp foot. 
 It was roofed with fine slates of lead, carrying 
 figures of baskets and animals ; the ridge gilt, to- 
 gether with the gutters, which issued without the 
 wall' between the windows, painted diagonally in 
 gold and blue down to the ground, where they 
 
63 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ended in great canals, which carried away the 
 water below the house into the river. 
 
 This same building was a hundred times more 
 sumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonivet ; 
 for there were in it nine thousand three hundred 
 and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof 
 had a withdrawing-room, a closet, a wardrobe, a 
 chapel, and a passage into a great hall. Between 
 every tower, in the midst of the said body of build- 
 ing, there was a winding stair, whereof the steps 
 were part of porphyry, which is a dark-red marble 
 spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, and 
 part of serpentine marble, each of those steps being 
 two-and-twenty feet in length and three fingers 
 thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every 
 landing-place. On every landing were two fair 
 antique arcades where the light came in : and by 
 those they went into a cabinet, made even with, 
 and of the breadth of the said winding, and they 
 mounted above the roof and ended in a pavilion. 
 By this winding they entered on every side into 
 a great hall, and from the halls into the chambers. 
 From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were fair 
 great libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, 
 Italian, and Spanish, respectively distributed on 
 diff"erent storeys, according to their languages. In 
 the midst there was a wonderful winding stair, the 
 entry whereof was without the house, in an arch, 
 six fathoms broad. It was made in such symme- 
 
GARGANTUA. 63 
 
 try and largeness that six men-at-arms, lance on 
 thigh, might ride abreast all up to the very top of 
 all the palace. From the tower Anatole to the 
 Mesembrine were fair great galleries, all painted 
 with the ancient prowess, histories and descriptions 
 of the world. In the midst thereof there was like- 
 wise such another ascent and gate as we said there 
 was on the river-side., 
 
 In the middle of the lower court there was a 
 stately fountain of fair alabaster. Upon the top 
 thereof stood the three Graces, with horns of abun- 
 dance, and did jet out the water at their breasts, 
 mouth, ears, and eyes. The inside of the buildings 
 in this lower court stood upon great pillars of 
 Cassydonian stone, and porphyry in fair ancient 
 arches. Within these were spacious galleries, long 
 and large, adorned with curious pictures — the horns 
 of bucks and unicorns ; of the rhinoceros and the hip- 
 popotamus ; the teeth and tusks of elephants, and 
 other things well worth the beholding. The lodg- 
 ing of the ladies took up all from the tower Arctic 
 unto the gate Mesembrine. The men possessed 
 the rest. Before the said lodging of the ladies, 
 that they might have their recreation, between the 
 two first towers, on the outside, were placed the 
 tilt-yard, the hippodrome, the theatre, the swim- 
 ming - bath, with most admirable baths in three 
 stages, well furnished with all necessary accom- 
 modation, and store of myrtle - water. By the 
 
64 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 river-side was the fair garden of pleasure, and in 
 the midst of that a fair labyrinth. Between the 
 two other towers were the tennis and fives courts. 
 Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full 
 of all fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincunx. 
 At the end of that was the great park, abounding 
 with all sort of game. Betwixt the third couple 
 of towers were the butts for arquebus, cross- 
 bow, and arbalist. The stables were beyond the 
 offices, and before them stood the falconry, man- 
 aged by falconers very expert in the art, and it 
 was yearly supplied by the Candians, Venetians, 
 Sarmatians, with all sorts of excellent birds, eagles, 
 gerfalcons, goshawks, falcons, sparrow-hawks, nier- 
 lins, and other kinds of them, so gentle and per- 
 fectly well trained that, flying from the, castle for 
 their own disport, they would not fail to catch 
 whatever they encountered. The venery was a 
 little further off, drawing towards the park. 
 
 All the halls, chambers, and cabinets were hung 
 with tapestry of divers sorts, according to the sea- 
 sons of the year. All the pavements were covered 
 with green cloth. The beds were embroidered. 
 In every back chamber there was a looking-glass 
 of pure crystal, set in a frame of fine gold gar- 
 nished with pearls, and of such greatness that it 
 would represent to the full the whole person. At 
 the going out of the halls belonging to the ladies' 
 lodgings were the perfumers and hairdressers. 
 
GARGANTUA. 65 
 
 through whose hands the gallants passed when 
 they were to visit the ladies. These did every 
 morning furnish the ladies' chambers with rose- 
 water, musk, and angelica ; and to each of them 
 gave a little smelling-bottle breathing the choicest 
 aromatical scents. 
 
 The ladies on the foundation of this order were 
 apparelled after their own pleasure and liking. 
 But since, of their own free-will, they were re- 
 formed in manner as followeth : They wore stock- 
 ings of scarlet which reached just three inches 
 above the knee, having the border beautified with 
 embroideries and trimming. Their garters were 
 of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the 
 knee both over and under. Their shoes and slip- 
 pers were either of red, violet, or crimson velvet, 
 cut d barbe d' ^cr^visse. 
 
 Next to their smock they put on a fair corset of 
 pure silk camblet : above that went the petticoat 
 of white, red, tawny, or grey taffety. Above this 
 was the cotte in cloth of silver, with needlework 
 either (according to the temperature and disposi- 
 tion of the weather) of satin, damask, velvet, orange, 
 tawny, green, ash-coloured, blue, yellow, crimson, 
 cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice 
 stuff, according to the day. 
 
 Their gowns, correspondent to the season, were 
 either of cloth of gold with silver edging ; of red 
 satin, covered with gold purl; of taffety, white, 
 
 E 
 
66 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 blue, black, or tawny, of silk serge, silk camblet, 
 velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, ploth of gold, 
 velvet, or figured satin, with golden threads. 
 
 In the summer, some days, instead of gowns, 
 they wore fair mantles of the above-named stuff, 
 or capes of violet velvet with edging of gold, or 
 with knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, gar- 
 nished with little Indian pearls. They always 
 carried a fair plume of feathers, of the colour of 
 their muff, bravely adorned with spangles of gold. 
 In the winter time they had their taffety gowns 
 of all colours, as above-named, and those lined 
 with the rich furrings of wolves, weasels, Calabrian 
 martlet, sables, and other costly furs. Their beads, 
 rings, bracelets, and collars were of precious stones, 
 such as carbuncles, rubies, diamonds, sapphires, 
 emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and 
 pearls. Their head-dressing varied with the sea- 
 son of the year. In winter it was of the French 
 fashion ; in the spring of the Spanish ; in summer 
 of the fashion of Tuscany, except only upon the 
 holy days and Sundays, at which times they were 
 accoutred in the French mode, because they ac- 
 counted it more honourable, and better befits the 
 modesty of a matron. 
 
 The men were apparelled after their fashion. 
 Their stockings were of worsted or of serge, of white, 
 black, or scarlet. Their breeches were of velvet, of 
 the same colour with their stockings, or very near, 
 
GARGANTUA. 6-j 
 
 embroidered and cut according to their fancy. 
 Their doublet was of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, 
 velvet, satin, damask, or taffety, of the same colours, 
 cut, embroidered, and trimmed up in the same 
 manner. The points were of silk of the same 
 colours, the tags were of gold enamelled. Their 
 coats and jerkins were of cloth of gold, cloth of 
 silver, gold, tissue, or velvet embroidered, as they 
 thought fit. Their gowns were every whit as costly 
 as those of the ladies. Their girdles were of silk, of 
 the colour of their doublets. Every one had a gal- 
 lant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof 
 were gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colour 
 of his breeches, the end in gold, and goldsmith's 
 work. The dagger of the same. Their caps were 
 of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons 
 of gold. Upon that they wore a white plume, 
 most prettily and minion-like parted by so many 
 rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung 
 dangling fair rubies, emeralds, &c. 
 
 But so great was the sympathy between the 
 gallants and the ladies, that every day they were 
 apparelled in the same livery. And that they might 
 not miss, there were certain gentlemen appointed 
 to tell the youths every morning what colours the 
 ladies would on that day wear ; for all was done 
 according to the pleasure of the ladies. In these 
 so handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, think 
 not that either one or other of either sex did waste 
 
68 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 any time at all ; for the masters of the wardrobes 
 had all their raiments and apparel so ready for 
 every morning, and the chamber ladies were so 
 well skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed, 
 and completely in their clothes from head to foot. 
 And, to have those accoutrements with the more 
 conveniency, thei-e was about the wood of Thelema 
 a row of houses half a league long, very neat and 
 cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries, 
 embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers, 
 tapestry-makers, and upholsterers, who wrought 
 there every one in his own trade, and all for the 
 aforesaid friars and nuns. They were furnished 
 with matter and stuff from the hands of Lord 
 Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven 
 ships from the Perlas and Cannibal Islands, laden 
 with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and 
 precious stones. And if any pearls began to grow 
 old, and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness 
 and lustre, those by their art they did renew, by 
 tendering them to cocks to be eaten, as they use 
 to give casting unto hawks. 
 
 All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or 
 rules, but according to their own free-will and 
 pleasure. They rose out of their beds when they 
 thought good : they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, 
 when they had a mind to it, and were disposed 
 for it. None did awake them, none did constrain 
 them to eat, drink, nor do any other thing ; for so 
 
GARGANTUA. 69 
 
 had Gargantua established it. In all their rule, 
 and strictest tie of their order, there was but this 
 one clause to be observed — 
 
 FAY CE QUE VOULDRAS. 
 
 Because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, 
 and conversant in honest companies, have natur- 
 ally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto 
 virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, 
 which is called honour. Those same men, when 
 by base subjection and constraint they are brought 
 under and kept down, turn aside from that noble 
 disposition, by which they formerly were inclined 
 to virtue, to shake off and break the bond of servi- 
 tude ; for it is agreeable with the nature of man 
 to long after things forbidden, and to desire what 
 is denied. 
 
 By this liberty they entered into a very laudable 
 emulation, to do all of them what they saw did 
 please one. If any of the gallants or ladies should 
 say, " Let us drink," they would all drink. If any 
 one of them said, " Let us play," they all played. 
 If one said, "Let us go for our delight into the 
 fields," they went all. If it were to go a-hawking 
 or a-hunting, the ladies mounted upon well-paced 
 nags, carried on their lovely fists, miniardly be- 
 gloved every one of them, either a sparrow-hawk, or 
 a laneret, or a merlin, and the gallants carried the 
 other kinds of birds. So nobly were they taught. 
 
JO READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 that there was not one amongst them but could 
 read, write, sing, play upon musical instruments, 
 speak five or six several languages, and compose 
 in them all very quaintly, both in verse and prose. 
 Never were seen knights so valiant, so noble and 
 worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and 
 a-horseback, more active, more nimble and quick, 
 or better handling all manner of weapons than 
 were there. Never were seen ladies so proper, so 
 miniard, less forward, or more ready with hand 
 and needle in every honest and free action belong- 
 ing to that sex than were there. 
 
 For this reason, when the time came that any 
 man of the said abbey, either at the request of his 
 parents, or for some other cause, had a mind to go 
 out of it, he carried along with him one of the 
 ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen 
 for his mistress, and they were married together. 
 And if they had formerly in Thelema lived in 
 devotion and amity, much more did they continue 
 therein in the state of matrimony ; and did enter- 
 tain that mutual love till the very last day of their 
 life, in no less vigour and fervency than at the very 
 day of their wedding. 
 
BOOK II. 
 
 PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 THE BIRTH OF PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 [The First Book of Pantagruel, commonly called Book II., 
 was written before the Book of Gargantua, called Book I. 
 (in its present form). The incidents and general treatment 
 are very much alike in both; but the former contains, as a 
 finished study, the education of a wise prince, which is only 
 indicated in the latter. The Book of Pantagruel is chiefly 
 remarkable for the introduction of Panurge, the scholar 
 who speaks a Latin jargon then affected by pedants ; the 
 burlesque library of a theologian ; and a hasty review of 
 the French universities, — all of which will be found in the 
 following extracts.] 
 
 Now, that we may fully understand the cause and 
 reason of the name of Pantagruel, son of Gargantua 
 and Badebec his wife, you are to remark, that in 
 that year there was so great drought over all the 
 country of Africa, that there passed thirty and six 
 months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours, and 
 a little more, without rain, but with a heat so 
 
^2 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 vehement, that the whole earth was parched and 
 withered by it. Neither was it more scorched in 
 the days of EHjah than it was at that time ; for 
 there was not a tree on the earth ;that had either 
 leaf or bloom upon it. The grass was without 
 verdure or greenness, the rivers were drained, the 
 fountains dried up, the poor fishes, forsaken by their 
 proper element, wandering and crying upon the 
 ground most horribly. The birds did fall down 
 from the air for want of dew, the wolves, 
 foxes, harts, wild-boars, fallow-deer, hares, coneys, 
 weasels, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts, 
 were found dead in the fields with their mouths 
 open.. In respect of men, there was the pity, you 
 should have seen them lay out their tongues like 
 hares that have been run six hours. Many did 
 throw themselves into the wells. Others entered 
 within a cow's belly to be in the shade ; those 
 Homer calls Alibantes. All the country was idle. 
 It was a most lamentable case to see the labour 
 of mortals in defending themselves from this hor- 
 rific drought ; for they had work enough to do to 
 save the holy water in the churches from being 
 wasted ; but there was such order taken by the 
 counsel of my Lords the Cardinals, and of the 
 Holy Father, that none did dare to take above one 
 lick. Yet, when any one came into the church, 
 you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty 
 wretches hang upon him that was the distributor 
 
PANTAGRUEL. -ji 
 
 of the water, and that with a wide-open throat, 
 gaping for some httle drop, hke Dives, lest any- 
 thing should be lost. Oh how happy was he in that 
 year, who had a cellar fresh and well plenished ! 
 
 Now on a certain Friday, when the whole people 
 were engaged in their devotions, and made goodly 
 processions, with store of litanies, and fair preach- 
 ings, and beseechings of God Almighty to look 
 down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable 
 condition, there were visibly seen issue out of 
 the ground great drops of water, such as fall from 
 a man in a copious sweat, and the poor people 
 began to rejoice, as if it had been a thing very 
 profitable unto them ; for some said that there was 
 not one drop of moisture in the air, whence they 
 might have any rain, and that the earth did supply 
 the default of that. Other learned men said, that 
 it was a shower of the Antipodes, as Seneca saith 
 in his fourth book Qucestionum naturalium, speak- 
 ing of the source and spring of the Nile. But they 
 were deceived ; for the procession being ended, 
 when every one went about to gather of this dew, 
 and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that 
 it was nothing but brine, more brackish in taste 
 than the saltest water of the sea. And because in 
 that very day Pantagruel was born, his father gave 
 him that name ; for Panta in Greek is as much as 
 to say all, and Gruel, in the Hagarene language 
 doth signify thirsty ; inferring thereby, that at his 
 
74 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, and 
 foreseeing that he would be some day sovereign of 
 the thirsty. 
 
 When Pantagruel was born, there was none more 
 astonished and perplexed than was his father Gar- 
 gantua ; for of the one side, seeing his wife Badebec 
 dead, and on the other side his son Pantagruel 
 born, so fair and so great, he knew not what to 
 say, nor what to do. And the doubt that troubled 
 his brain was to know whether he should cry for 
 the death of his wife, or laugh for the joy of his 
 son. On the one side and the other he had 
 sophistic arguments which suffocated him, for he 
 framed them very well in modo et figura, but he 
 could not solve them, remaining pestered by this 
 means, like a mouse caught in a trap, or kite 
 snared in a gin. " Shall I weep 1 " said he. " Yes ; 
 for why ? My so good wife is dead, who was the 
 most this, the most that, that was ever in the 
 world. Never shall I see her, never shall I recover 
 such another : it is unto me an inestimable loss ! 
 O my good God, what had I done that thou 
 shouldest thus punish me? Why didst thou not 
 take me away before her, seeing that for me to 
 live without her is but to languish. Ah, Badebec ! 
 Badebec my minion, my dear heart, never shall I 
 see thee ! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy 
 good mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved 
 lady! O false death, how despiteful hast thou 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 75 
 
 been to me ! How outrageous art thou in taking 
 from me her to whom immortality did of right 
 belong ! " 
 
 With these words he did cry like a cow ; but on 
 a sudden fell a-laughing like a calf, when Panta- 
 gruel came into his mind. " Ha, my little son," 
 said he, " how jolly thou art ! and how much I am 
 bound to God, who hath bestowed on me a son, so 
 fair, so joyous, so smiling, so jolly ! Ho ! ho ! ho ! 
 ho ! how glad I am ! Let us drink, ho ! and put 
 away melancholy ! Bring of the best, rinse the 
 glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow 
 this fire, light candles, shut that door there, cut 
 this bread in sippets, send away these poor folks 
 in giving them what they ask, hold my gown. I 
 will strip myself into my doublet, the better to 
 make the gossips merry, and keep them company." 
 
 As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the 
 mementos of the priests who carried his wife to be 
 buried, upon which he left his good discourse, and 
 was suddenly ravished another way, saying, '' Lord 
 God, must I again centrist myself.'' This grieves 
 me. I am no longer young, I grow old, the 
 weather is dangerous ; I may perhaps take some 
 fever, then shall I be undone. Foi de gentil- 
 homme ! it were better to cry less, and drink more. 
 My wife is dead, well, par Dieii ! {da jurandi) I 
 shall not raise her again by my crying : she is well 
 — she is in Paradise, at least, if there is no better : 
 
76 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 she prayeth to God for us; she is happy, she is 
 above the sense of our miseries, nor can our ca- 
 lamities reach her. The Lord preserve the sur- 
 vivors ; for I must now cast about how to get 
 another wife. But I will tell you what you shall 
 do," said he to the midwives. "Go you to my 
 wife's interment, and I will the while rock my 
 son ; for I find myself somewhat distempered, and 
 should be in danger of falling sick ; but drink one 
 draught first — you will be the better for it, believe 
 me upon mine honour." 
 
 Then grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to 
 every one's eye waxed more and more, which made 
 his father to rejoice by natural affection. Then 
 Gargantua sent him to school to learn, and to 
 spend his youth. In which design he came first to 
 Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very 
 much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at 
 leisure, and knew not how to bestow their time, 
 which moved him to take such compassion on 
 them, that one day he took from a great rock, 
 called Passelourdin, a huge great stone, of about 
 twelve fathom square, and fourteen hands thick, 
 and set it upon four pillars in the midst of a field, 
 to no other end but that the said scholars, when 
 they had nothing else to do, might pass their time 
 in getting up on that stone, and feast with store of 
 gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their 
 names upon it with a knife : they call it now the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. "j"] 
 
 Pierre Levee. And in remembrance hereof, there 
 is none entered on the register of the said univer- 
 sity till he have first drunk at the Caballine fountain 
 of Croustelles, passed to Passelourdin, and climbed 
 upon the Pierre Levde. 
 
 Afterwards, reading the delectable Chronicles of 
 his Ancestors, he found that Geoffrey of Lusignan, 
 called Geoffrey a la Grand Dent, grandfather to the 
 cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the 
 son-in-law of the uncle of the daughter-in-law of 
 his stepmother, was interred at Maillezais ; there- 
 fore one day he went to visit the place, as an honest 
 man should. And going from Poictiers with some 
 of his companions, they passed by Legug6, visiting 
 the noble Abbot Ardillon : then by Lusignan, by 
 Sansay, by Celles, by Colonges, by Fontenay le 
 Comte, saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from 
 thence arrived at Maillezais, where he visited the 
 sepulchre of the said Geoffrey a la Grand Dent ; 
 which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon 
 the picture, wherein he was represented as a man 
 in extreme fury, drawing his great falchion Mal- 
 chus half-way out of his scabbard. When the 
 reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the 
 said place told him that there was no other cause 
 of it, but that Ptctoribus atque poetis, &c. — that is to 
 say, that painters and poets have liberty to paint 
 and devise what they list after their own fancy. 
 But he was not satisfied with their answer, and 
 
78 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 said, " He is not thus painted without a cause ; and 
 I suspect that at his death there was some wrong 
 done him, whereof he requireth his kindred to take 
 revenge. I will inquire fully into it, and then do 
 what shall be reasonable." Then he returned not 
 to Poictiers, but would visit the other universities 
 of France. Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took 
 shipping and arrived at Bordeaux, where he found 
 no great exercise, except the mariners playing 
 by the river - side. From thence he came to 
 Toulouse, where he learned to dance very well, 
 and to play with the two-handed sword, as is the 
 fashion of the scholars of the said university ; but 
 he stayed not long there, when he saw that they 
 caused their regents to be burned alive like red- 
 herrings, saying, " God forbid that I should die 
 this death ! for I am by nature sufficiently dry 
 already, without heating myself any further." 
 
 He went then to Montpellier, where he met with 
 the good wife of Mirevaux, and jovial company 
 withal, and thought to have set himself to the 
 study of physic ; but he considered that that call- 
 ing was too troublesome and melancholic, and that 
 , physicians did smell of glisters like old devils. 
 Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; 
 but seeing that there were but three scauld and 
 one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed 
 thence. On the road he made the Pont de Gard, 
 and, in less than three hours, the amphitheatre of 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 79 
 
 Nismes, which seems to be a more divine than 
 human work. After that he came to Avignon, 
 where he was not above three days before he fell 
 in love ; which his tutor Epistemon perceiving, he 
 drew him out of that place, and brought him to 
 Valence in Dauphin6, where he saw no great matter 
 of recreation, — only that the lubbers of the town 
 did beat the scholars, which incensed him, and the 
 more when, upon a certain fair Sunday, every- 
 body was dancing in the open air, one of the 
 scholars offered' to put himself into the ring, and the 
 aforesaid lubbers would not permit him. He drove 
 them all before him, even to the brink of the 
 river Rhone, and would have there drowned them, 
 but that they did squat to the ground like moles, 
 and there lay close a full half-league under the 
 river. The hole is to be seen there yet. 
 
 After that he departed, and in three steps and 
 a jump came to Angers, where he found himself 
 very well, and would have continued there some 
 space, but that the plague drove them away. 
 Thence he came to Bourges, where he studied a 
 good long time, and profited very much in the 
 faculty of the laws. 
 
 Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where 
 he found store of roystering scholars that made 
 him great cheer on his coming, and with whom 
 he learned to play at tennis so well, that he was a' 
 master at that game. As for breaking his head 
 
8o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 with overmuch study, he did not do it at all, for 
 fear of spoiling his eyes. 
 
 THE LIMOUSIN. 
 
 [The scholar talks a new language made up of Latin 
 words newly copied without any modifications, such as those 
 undergone by that very large part of the French tongue 
 which is Latin by descent. There is a work -called ' Le 
 Champfleury,' by a learned printer and scholar called 
 Geoffrey Tory, published in 1530, in which some of the 
 phrases used by the scholar of Limoges are found exactly. 
 It was, however, probably the pedantry of the practice 
 rather than the book which Rabelais ridiculed. But the 
 ridicule did not kill the fashion.] 
 
 Upon a certain'day, I know not when, Pantagruel 
 walking after supper with some of his fellow- 
 students by the gate of the city on the road to 
 Paris, encountered with a young spruce scholar 
 that was coming upon the very same way, and after 
 they had saluted one another, asked him thus, " My 
 friend, whence comest thou .' " 
 
 The scholar answered, " From the alme, inclyte 
 and celebrate academy, which is vocitated Lutetia." 
 
 " What is the meaning of this .' " asked Panta- 
 gruel of one of his men. 
 
 " It is," answered he, " from Paris." 
 
 " Thou comest from Paris, then .' " said Panta- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 8 1 
 
 gruel; "and how do you spend your time there, 
 you students of Paris ? " 
 
 The scholar answered : " We transfretate the 
 Sequane at the dilucul and crepuscul ; we deam- 
 bulate by the compites and quadrivies of the urb ; 
 we despumate the Latial verbocination ; and, like 
 verisimilary amorabons, we captat the benevolence 
 of the omnijugal, omniform, and omnigenal fcemi- 
 nine sex. Then do we cauponisate in the meritory 
 taberns oYthe Pomme de Pin, the Castel, the Mag- 
 dalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules 
 perforaminated with petrosil. And if by fortune 
 there be rarity, or penury of pecune in our mar- 
 supies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean 
 metal, for the shot we demit our codices and 
 opignerated vestments, whilst we prestolate the 
 coming of the Tabellaries from the penates and 
 patriotic lares." 
 
 To which Pantagruel answered, " What devilish 
 language is this .-' By the Lord, thou art some 
 kind of heretic ! " 
 
 "My lord, no," said the scholar; "for libentis- 
 simally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule 
 slice of the day, I demigrate into one of these so 
 well architected minsters, and there, irrorating my- 
 self with fair lustral water, I mumble off little 
 parcels of some missic precation of our sacrificuls. 
 And, submurmurating my horary precules, I elave 
 and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquina- 
 
 F 
 
82 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 tions. I revere the olympicols. I latrially venere 
 the Supernal Astripotent. I dilige and redame 
 my proxims. I observe the decalogical precepts, 
 and, according to the facultatule of my vires, I do 
 not discede from them one late unguicule. Never- 
 theless it is veriform, that because Mammon doth 
 not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I 
 am somewhat rare and lent to supererogate the 
 elemosynes to those egents, that hostially queritate 
 their stipe." 
 
 "Prut, tut!" said Pantagruel, "what doth this 
 fool mean to say ? I think he is upon the forging 
 of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-Ike 
 he would charm us." 
 
 To whom one of his men said : " Without doubt, 
 sir, this fellow would counterfeit the language of 
 the Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin, 
 thinking thus to Pindarise, and conceiting him- 
 self to be a great orator in the French, be- 
 cause he disdaineth the common manner of 
 speaking." 
 
 To which Pantagruel said, " Is this true ? " 
 
 The scholar answered : " My worshipful lord, my 
 genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious 
 nebulon saith, to excoriate the cuticle of our ver- 
 vacular Gallic, but viceversally I gnave opere, and 
 by veles and rames enite to locupletate it with the 
 Latinicome redundance." 
 
 " ParDieu ! " cried Pantagruel, " I will teach you 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 83 
 
 to speak. But first come hither, and tell me 
 whence thou art ? " 
 
 To this the scholar answered : " The primeval 
 origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary of the 
 Lemovick regions, where requiesceth the corpor of 
 the hagiotat St Martial." 
 
 " I understand thee very well," said Pantagruel. 
 " When all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, and 
 thou wilt here by thy affected speech counterfeit 
 the Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must show 
 thee a new trick." 
 
 With this he took him by the throat, saying to 
 him, " Thou flayest the Latin, — by St John, I will 
 make thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee 
 alive ! " 
 
 Then began the poor Limousin to cry, "Vee 
 dicou gentilastre, O Saint Marsault, ajuda my, 
 hau! hau!" 
 
 "Now," said Pantagruel, "thou speakest natu- 
 rally." And so let him go. 
 
 But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror to 
 him all the days of his life, and took such deep 
 impression in his fancy, that very often he would 
 say that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besides 
 that, it procured him a continual drought and 
 desire to drink, so that after some few years he 
 died Roland's death, that is, thirst, — a work of 
 divine vengeance, showing us that which saith the 
 philosopher, and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh 
 
84 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 US to speak according to the common language ; 
 and, as said Octavian Augustus, that we should 
 avoid unknown words with as much heedfulness as 
 pilots of ships use to avoid rocks at sea. 
 
 THE LIBRARY OF ST VICTOR. 
 
 [" The titles of books were often far-fetched and strange. 
 For example : The ' Rosebush of Wars,' the ' Whip of 
 Inquisitors,' the ' Goad of Divine Love,' the ' Antidotory of 
 the Soul,' the ' Matches of Divine Fire,' the ' Spiritual Sugar 
 to Soften the Sharp Misfortunes of the Time,' the ' Sword of 
 Goliath,' the ' Fall of the Devil,' the ' Morning Call of the 
 Calvinists,' the 'Turtle-Dove of Widowhood,' &c. The 
 books of theology and devotion were especially distinguished 
 by these strange titles. Rabelais amuses himself with giv- 
 ing a list — some of which are real titles slightly altered, 
 some are invented." — Fleury, i. 327.J 
 
 After that Pantagruel had studied very well at 
 Orleans, he resolved to see the great University at 
 Paris. And at his entry every one came out to 
 see him, and beheld him with great astonishment, 
 mixed with no less fear, that he would carry away 
 the courts into some other country, d, remotis, and 
 far from them, as his father formerly had done the 
 bells of Notre Dame, to tie about his mare's neck. 
 Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and 
 studied very well in all the seven liberal arts, he 
 
PAN TAG RU EL. 8S 
 
 said it was a good town to live in, but not to die ; 
 for that the beggars of St Innocent are used to 
 warm themselves with dead men's bones. And 
 there he found the library of St Victor, very mag- 
 nificent, especially as regards certain books which 
 he found there, of which followeth the Catalogue, 
 Et prinio : — 
 
 The Two-horse Tumbrel of Salvation. 
 
 Pantofla decretorum. 
 
 The Pomegranates of Vice. 
 
 The Round Ball of Theology. 
 
 The Vistempenard of Preachers, composed by 
 Turlupin. 
 
 Elephantine. 
 
 The Henbane of Bishops. 
 
 Marmotretus de babonis et cingis, cum Com- 
 mento Dorbellis. 
 
 Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgias- 
 itate muliercularum ad placitum. 
 
 The Apparition of Saint Gertrude to a Nun of 
 Poissy, being then in travail. 
 
 The Mustard-pot of Penance. 
 
 The Gamashes, a/ias the Boots of Patience. 
 
 Formicarium artium. 
 
 The Scriveners' Waste-paper Basket. 
 
 The Marriage-packet. 
 
 The Crucible of Contemplation. 
 
 The Fariboles of the Law. 
 
 The Goad of Wine. 
 
86 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 The Spur of Cheese. 
 
 Decrotatorium scholarium. 
 
 The Fanfaronades of Rome. 
 
 Bricot de Differentiis Soupparum. 
 
 The Shoe of Humihty. 
 
 The Trivet of good Thoughts. 
 
 The Cauldron of Magnanimity. 
 
 The Vicar's Rap over the Knuckles. 
 
 Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Ba- 
 vardiae, de croquendis lardonibus libri tres. 
 
 Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum 
 chardoneta comedendis, tempore Papali ab 
 Ecclesia interdicto. 
 
 The invention of the Holy Cross, for six persons, 
 played by the Clerks of Finesse. 
 
 Spectacles for Pilgrims to Rome. 
 
 Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos. 
 
 The Prelates' Bagpipe. 
 
 Beda de optimitate triparum. 
 
 The Lawyers' Furred Cat. 
 
 Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento. 
 
 The Crackarades of BuUists, or Stone - throw- 
 ing Engines, Contrepate Clerks, Scriveners, 
 Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal B.uU-de- 
 spatchers, lately compiled by Regis. 
 
 A perpetual Almanack for those that have the 
 gout. 
 
 The Tradesman's Packthread. 
 
 The Ease of the Monastic Life. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 87 
 
 The Hodge-podge of Hypocrites. 
 
 The History of Hobgoblin. 
 
 The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars. 
 
 Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lu- 
 
 poldum. 
 The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops. 
 Tarrabalationes Doctorum Coloniensium adver- 
 
 sus Reuchlin. 
 The Hotch-pot of the Perpetuals. 
 The Heretic Morris-dance. 
 Sixty-nine fat Breviaries. 
 The Night-mare of the five Mendicant Orders. 
 
 PAN URGE. 
 
 [In this chapter is introduced Panurge, the most com- 
 pletely original character in Rabelais. He begins by 
 answering in a dozen languages, one after the other. His 
 answers are given here, with the exception of the Greek, 
 word for word after the text in Jacob's edition, though 
 some of them are full of mistakes.] 
 
 One day as Pantagruel was taking a walk with- 
 out the city, towards St Anthony's abbey, dis- 
 coursing and philosophising with his people and 
 some scholars, he met with a man of comely 
 stature, and well proportioned in all the linea- 
 ments of his body, but in several parts pitifully 
 
88 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 wounded ; in sucjji bad equipage in matter of his 
 apparel, that he seemed to have escaped from 
 dogs, or, to say better, he resembled an apple- 
 gatherer of Le Perche. 
 
 As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to 
 those that stood by, " Do you see that man who 
 is coming hither by the Pont Charenton ? By my 
 faith, he is only poor in fortune ; for I may assure 
 you, that by his physiognomy it appeareth that 
 nature hath extracted him from a rich and noble 
 race, but that the accidents which befall curious 
 people have reduced him to this want and penury." 
 
 Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel 
 said unto him, " Let me -entreat you, friend, that 
 you may be pleased to stop here a little, and 
 answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I 
 am confident you will not think your time ill be- 
 stowed ; for I have an extreme desire, according 
 to my ability, to give you some help in this dis- 
 tress wherein I see you are, because you move 
 me to great pity. Therefore, my friend, tell me 
 who you are, whence you come, whither you go, 
 what you desire, and what your name is." 
 
 The companion answered him in the German 
 tongue, thus : 
 
 "Junker, Gott geb euch gliick und heil zuvor. 
 Lieber Junker, ich lasz euch wissen, das da ihr 
 mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding, 
 und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch ver- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 89 
 
 driissig zu horen, und mir zu erzelen wer, wiewol 
 die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in 
 ihren Spriichen und Sentenzen, das die gedechtnus 
 des elends und armuths vorlangst erlitten ist eine 
 grosse lust." 
 
 " My friend," said Pantagruel, " I have no skill 
 in that gibberish ; therefore, if you would have us 
 to understand you, speak some other language." 
 
 Then did the companion answer him thus (in 
 Arabic) : 
 
 "Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio 
 falbroth ringuam albaras. Nin portzadikin al- 
 mucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben 
 ensouim : kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth 
 dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch 
 dalmaisoulum hoi moth danfrihim lupaldas im 
 voldemoth. Nin hur diavosth mnarbotim dal- 
 gousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal 
 chinon, min foulchrich al conin brutathem doth 
 dal prin." 
 
 "Do you understand any of this .'"asked Pan- 
 tagruel of the company. 
 
 "I believe," said Epistemon, "that this is the 
 language of the Antipodes ; the devil himself 
 knows not what to make of it." 
 
 Then said Pantagruel : " Gossip, I know not if 
 the walls do comprehend the meaning of your 
 words, but none of us here understands one syl- 
 lable of them." 
 
90 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Then said the companion (in Italian) : 
 
 " Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la 
 cornarausa non suona mai, s'ella non ha il ventre 
 pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le 
 mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la 
 solita refettione. Al quale e adviso che le mani 
 et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale et 
 del tutto annichilati." 
 
 To which Epistemon answered : " As much of 
 the one as of the other." 
 
 Then said Panurge in English : 
 
 " Lord, if you be so vertuous of intelligence, as 
 you be naturally releaved to the body, you should 
 have pity of me. For nature hath made us equal, 
 but fortune hath some exalted, and others deprived ; 
 nevertheless is vertue often deprived, and the vertu- 
 ous men despised ; for before the last end none is 
 good." 
 
 " Yet less," said Pantagruel. 
 
 Then said Panurge (in Basque) : 
 
 "Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er 
 remedio beharde versela ysser landa. Anbat as 
 otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian 
 ordine den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen 
 herassy badia sadassu noura assia. Aran hon- 
 davan gualde cydassu naydassuna. Estou oussyc 
 eg vinan soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Geni- 
 coa plasar vadu." 
 
 " Are you there," said Eudemon, " Genicoa .' " 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 91 
 
 Then answered Panurge : 
 
 "Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds 
 pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny Pomardiere rusth 
 pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille kalmuch 
 monach drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb 
 up drent loch mine stz rinq jald de vins pers cor- 
 delis bur jocst stzampenards." 
 
 " Do you speak Christian," said Epistemon, " or 
 the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois? 
 Nay, it is Lantern tongue." 
 
 Then said Panurge (in Dutch) : 
 
 " Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen tael dan 
 kersten taele : my dunkt noghtans, al en seg ik u 
 niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat 
 ik begeere : geeft my uyt bermhertigheyt yets, 
 waar van ik gevoet magh zyn." 
 
 To which answered Pantagruel, "As much of 
 that." 
 
 Then said Panurge (in Spanish) : 
 
 " Senor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, por que 
 yo suplico a vuestra reverentia que mire a los pre- 
 ceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan vuestra 
 reverentia a lo que es de conscientia ; y si ellos 
 non bastaren, para mover vuestra reverentia a pie- 
 dad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad natural, la 
 qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon : y 
 con esso non digo mas." 
 
 " Truly, my friend," said Pantagruel, " I doubt 
 not but you can speak divers languages ; but tell us 
 
92 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 that which you would have us to do for you in some 
 tongue which you conceive we may understand." 
 
 Then said the companion (in Danish) : 
 
 " Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, 
 ligesom bsern, oc uskellige creatuure : Mine klse- 
 debon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel 
 klarlig huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er 
 sandelig mad oc dricke : Huorfor forbarme dig 
 ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket 
 ieg kand slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som 
 mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter: Saa skalt du 
 lefue laenge oc lycksalig." 
 
 " I think really," said Eusthenes, "that the Goths 
 spoke thus." 
 
 Then again said Panurge (in Hebrew) : 
 
 "Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal heb- 
 deca bimeherah thithen li kikar lehem : chanchat 
 ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral." 
 
 To which answered Epistemonj "At this time 
 have I understood him very well ; for it is the 
 Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced." 
 
 Then again said the gallant : 
 
 Aeo-TTOTtt, TtvCv, ■Kava-joBX, StoTi (rv fwl ovk dproSoTets ; opas 
 y/ap Xi/JM avaXuKOfiivov. ifii aOXiov, 'koI iv t(3 //.eto^ /xe ovk 
 eXe'ets ou'Sa/tSs, ^ijreis Se irap i/j^ov a ov )(pij. Kat bfJM's (jiik- 
 oXoyoL TravTcs ofLoXoyovtn t6t€ Aoyovs t€ kol ptyjuara ireptrya 
 virapxitv, OTTOTe irpayixa. avTO irao-t S^Xov iart. "EvSo yap 
 avayKj/r jttom' Xoyov ka-riy, Iva irpay/taTa w -iripi a.fji,<f>ur^r]- 
 
 TOVfJLiV p,Ol TrpoCri^OpSs CTTM^atVlJTC. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 93 
 
 "What!" said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman; 
 " it is Greek — I have understood him. And how ? 
 hast thou dwelt in Greece ? " 
 
 Then said the companion again (perhaps in 
 Breton) : 
 
 " Agonou dont oussys vous dedagnez algarou : 
 nou den farou zamist vous mariston ulbrou, fous- 
 ques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton den goul- 
 houst, daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist 
 nougrou. Agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los 
 echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den 
 bascrou noudous caguons goulfren goul oustarop- 
 passou." 
 
 " Methinks I understand him," said Pantagruel ; 
 "for either it is the language of my country of 
 Utopia, or sounds very like it." 
 
 And as he was about to have begun some argu- 
 ment, the companion said : 
 
 " Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque 
 omneis obtestatus sum, ut si qua vos pietas per- 
 movet, egestatem meam solaremini, nee hilum pro- 
 ficio damans et ejulans. Sinite, quseso, sinite, viri 
 impii, quo me fata vocant abire ; nee ultra vanis ves- 
 tris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veteris 
 illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere 
 dicitur." 
 
 " Dea ! my friend," said Pantagruel, " cannot you 
 speak French t " 
 
 "That I can do, sir, very well," said the com- 
 
94 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 panion. " It is my natural language and mother 
 tongue ; for I was born and bred in my younger 
 years in the garden of France, to wit, Touraine." 
 
 " Then," said Pantagruel, " tell us what is your 
 name, and whence you are come : for, by my faith, 
 I have already stamped in my mind such a deep 
 impression of love towards you, that, if you will 
 condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out 
 of my company, and you and I shall make up 
 another couple of friends, such as ^neas and 
 Achates were." 
 
 " Sir," said the companion, " my true and proper 
 Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out 
 of Turkey, to which country I was carried away 
 prisoner at that time, when they went to Metelin 
 with a mischief And willingly would I relate unto 
 you my fortunes, which are more wonderful than 
 those of Ulysses ; but, seeing that it pleaseth you 
 to retain me with you, and that I heartily accept 
 the offer, protesting never to leave you, should you 
 go to all the devils, we shall have more leisure at 
 another time wherein to report them. At this 
 present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed ; 
 my teeth are sharp, my throat dry, and my stomach 
 fierce — all is ready. If you will but set me to work, 
 it will be balm to see me eat. For God's sake, give 
 order for it." 
 
 Then Pantagruel commanded that they should 
 carry him home, and provide him good store of 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 95 
 
 victuals ; which being done, he ate very well that 
 evening, and went early to bed, and slept until 
 dinner-tin;e the next day, so that he made but 
 three steps and a jump from bed to board. 
 
 Now at the drinking poor Panurge tippled val- 
 iantly, for he was as lean as a red-herring, and 
 went on his feet like a starved cat : so that, by 
 some one being admonished in the midst of his 
 draught of a great bowl full of red wine, with 
 these words, " Fair and softly, gossip ; you suck as 
 if you were mad " — " Go to the devil," said he ; 
 " thou hast not found here thy little sippers of Paris, 
 that drink no more than a chafifinch, and never 
 take in their liquor till they be bobbed on the 
 tail like sparrows. O companion, if I could mount 
 up as well as I swallow down, I had been long 
 ere this above the sphere of the moon with Empe- 
 docles. But I cannot tell what a devil this means. 
 This wine is good and delicious, but the more I 
 drink thereof, the more I am athirst. I believe 
 that the shadow of my lord Pantagruel engen- 
 dereth thirst, as the moon causeth catarrhs." 
 
 At which word the company began to laugh, 
 which Pantagruel perceiving, said, " Panurge, what 
 is that which moves you to laugh so .' " 
 
 " Sir," said he, " I was telling them that these 
 devils of Turks are very unhappy, in that they 
 can never drink one drop of wine ; and that though 
 thfere were no other harm in Mohammed's Coran. 
 
96 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 yet for this would I never submit myself unto their 
 law." 
 
 " But now tell me," said Pantagruel, " how you 
 escaped out their hands." 
 
 " Par Dieu, seigneur" said Panurge, " I will not 
 lie to you in one word. 
 
 "The rascally Turks had broached me upon 
 a spit all larded like a rabbit — for I was so thin, 
 that, otherwise, of my flesh they would have made 
 but very bad meat — and in this manner began to 
 roast me alive. Now, as they were roasting me, I 
 recommended myself unto the divine grace, having 
 in my mind the good St Lawrence, and always 
 hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this 
 torment. Which" came to pass, and that very 
 strangely. For, as I did commit myself with all 
 my heart unto God, crying, ' Lord God, help me ; 
 Lord God, save me ; Lord God, take me out of this 
 torment, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me 
 for my maintenance of thy law ! ' the roaster fell 
 asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of 
 some good Mercury, who cunningly put into sleep 
 the hundred-eyed Argus. When I saw that he did 
 no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, 
 and perceived that he was fast asleep. Then took I 
 up in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it was 
 not burned, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, 
 and another did I throw as well as I could under a 
 bed near the chimney, whereon was the straw mat- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 97 
 
 tress of my turnspit. Presently the fire took hold of 
 the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from 
 the bed to the loft, which was planked with fir. 
 But the best was, that the fire which I had cast 
 into the lap of my rascal roaster burned his groin. 
 Then he suddenly sprang up, and in a great amaze- 
 ment running to the window, he cried out to the 
 streets as high as he could, ' Dal baroth! dal baroth! 
 dal baroth!' which is as much as to say, 'Fire! 
 fire ! fire ! ' Incontinently turning about, he came 
 straight towards me, to throw me quite into the 
 fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes 
 wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing 
 the cords from off my feet, when the master of the 
 house hearing the cry of fire, and smelling the 
 smoke from the street where he was walking with 
 other Bashaws and Mustaphas, ran with all speed 
 to give help and to carry away his jewels. As soon 
 as he arrived he caught the broach whereon I was 
 spitted, and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, 
 of which wound he died there for want of regimen 
 or otherwise ; for he ran him in with the spit about 
 the middle, towards the right flank, and pierced 
 the third lobe of his liver, and the blow slanting 
 upwards, penetrated the diaphragm, and passing 
 through the capsule of his heart, came out above 
 at his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls and the left 
 homoplat. 
 
 "True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing 
 G 
 
98 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 the spit from my body, I fell to the ground near 
 the andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt, 
 but not much, for the lardons, or slices of bacon, 
 kept off the blow. My bashaw then seeing the 
 case to be desperate, his house burnt without remis- 
 sion, and all his goods lost, gave himself over unto 
 all the devils, calling Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, 
 and Gribouillis, nine several times. Which when 
 I saw, I had more than five penny-worth of fear, 
 dreading that the devils would come at once to 
 carry away this fool, and would perhaps snatch 
 me up too. I am already, thought I, half roasted ; 
 my lardons will be the cause of my mischief; for 
 these devils are fond of lardons, according to the 
 authority which you have of the philosopher Jam- 
 blicus, and Murmelius, in the Apology De Bossutis 
 et contrefactis pro magistros nostras. But for my 
 better security I made the sign of the cross, crying, 
 ' Hagios, athanatos, ho theos^ and none came. See- 
 ing which, my villain of a bashaw would have killed 
 himself with the spit ; indeed he put it to his breast, 
 but it would not pierce him, being too blunt, so 
 that although he pushed as much as he could he 
 profited nothing. Whereupon I came to him and 
 said, ' Master, thou dost here but trifle away thy 
 time, for thou wilt never kill thyself thus. Per- 
 haps thou mayest do thyself some hurt, so as to 
 make thee languish all thy lifetime in the hands 
 of the chirurgeons ; but, if thou wilt, I will kill thee 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 99 
 
 clear outright, so that thou shalt not so much as 
 feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many- 
 others, who have found themselves very well after 
 it.' ' Ha ! my friend,' said he, ' I prithee do so, and 
 for thy pains I give thee my purse. Take, here 
 it is ; there are six hundred seraphs in it, and 
 diamonds and rubies.' " 
 
 " And where are they ? " asked Epistemon. 
 
 "By St John," said Panurge, "they are a good 
 way hence, if they always keep going. ' Mais ou 
 sont les neiges d'antan .' ' This was the greatest 
 care that Villon the Parisian poet had." 
 
 " Make an end," said Pantagruel, " that we may 
 know how thou didst dress thy bashaw." 
 
 " By the faith of an honest man," said Panurge, 
 " I do not lie in one word. I swaddled him in a 
 scurvy cloth, which I found lying there half burnt, 
 and tied him both hand and foot with my cords, 
 in such sort that he was not able to move ; then 
 passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him 
 thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great 
 hooks, upon which they did hang their halberds ; 
 and then kindling a fair fire under him, did flame 
 you up Milord, as they dry herrings in a chimney. 
 With this, taking his purse and a little javelin that 
 was upon the hooks, I ran away a fair gallop. 
 
 " When I came down into the street, I found 
 everybody came to put out the fire with store of 
 water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did 
 
lOO READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 naturally pity my case, and threw all their water 
 upon me, which joyously refreshed me. Then did 
 they present me with some victuals, but I could 
 not eat much, because they gave me nothing to 
 drink but water after their fashion. Other hurt 
 they did me none, only one little villanous Turk, . 
 knob-breasted, furtively snatched away some of my 
 lardons, but I gave him dronos on the fingers with 
 all the weight of my javelin, so that he came no 
 more the second time. But note, that this roasting 
 cured me entirely of a sciatica, whereunto I had 
 been subject above seven years before, upon that 
 side which my roaster, by falling asleep, suffered 
 to be burnt. 
 
 " Now, whilst they were busy about me, the fire 
 triumphed, never ask how. For it took hold on 
 above two thousand houses, which one of them 
 espying cried out, ' Ventre Mahom ! all the city is 
 on fire, and we amuse ourselves here.' Upon this 
 every one ran to save his own ; for my part, I took 
 my way towards the gate. When I was got upon 
 the knap of a little hillock, not far off, I turned me 
 about as did Lot's wife, and looking back, saw all 
 the city burning in a fair fire, whereat I was glad. 
 But God punished me well for it." 
 
 " How ? " asked Pantagruel. 
 
 " Thus," said Panurge ; " for when with pleasure I 
 beheld this jolly fire, jesting with myself, and say- 
 ing, ' Ha, poor flies ! ha, poor mice ! you will have 
 
PANTAGRUEL. loi 
 
 a bad winter of it this year, the fire is in your bed- 
 straw,' out came more than six, yea more than 
 thirteen hundred and eleven dogs, great and small, 
 altogether out of the town, flying away from the 
 fire. At the first approach they ran all upon me, 
 being carried on by the scent of my half-roasted 
 flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if 
 my good angel had not well inspired me with the 
 instruction of a remedy, very sovereign against 
 the toothache." 
 
 "And wherefore," asked Pantagruel, "wert thou 
 afraid of the toothache ? Wert thou not cured of 
 thy rheums .-' " 
 
 " By Palm Sunday," said Pauurge, " is there any 
 toothache worse than when the dogs have got you 
 by the legs .■' Suddenly I remembered my lardons, 
 and threw them in the midst of the dogs ; then 
 the dogs began to rive and to fight with one an- 
 other as fair teeth, which should have the lardon. 
 Thus they left me, and I left them also tearing 
 each other's skin. Thus did I escape galliard and 
 of good cheer, ei vive la rotisserie ! " 
 
 Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high 
 nor too low, and had somewhat an aquiline nose, 
 made like the handle of a razor. He was at that 
 time five-and-thirty years old, or thereabouts, fine 
 to gild like a leaden dagger. He was a very gal- 
 lant and proper man of his person, only that he 
 
I02 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 was a little inclined to gallantry, and naturally- 
 subject to a kind of disease, which at that time 
 they called Faulte d'argent, dest douleur sans 
 pareille. Always he had. threescore and three 
 tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most 
 honourable and most ordinary was in manner of 
 thieving and secret purloining : cozener, drinker, 
 roysterer, rover, and dissolute fellow, if there were- 
 any in Paris. Au demourant le meilleur fils du 
 monde. And he was still contriving some mischief 
 against the Serjeants and the watch. 
 
 At one time he assembled three or four roaring 
 boys ; made them in the evening drink like Tem- 
 plars, afterwards led them till they came under St 
 Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and 
 at the hour that the watch was coming up that 
 way, which he knew by putting his sword upon 
 the pavement, and his ear by it, and when he 
 heard his sword shake, it was an infallible sign 
 that the watch was near at that instant, — then he 
 and his companions took a tumbrel, and gave it 
 the brangle, hurling it with all their force down 
 the hill, and so overthrew all the poor watchmen 
 like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side ; 
 for in less than two days he knew all the streets, 
 lanes, and turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det. 
 
 At another time he laid, in some fair place 
 where the said watch was to pass, a train of gun- 
 powder, and, at the very instant that they went 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 103 
 
 along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport 
 to see what good grace they had in running away, 
 thinking that St Anthony's fire had caught them 
 by the legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts and 
 theologians, he did persecute them above all 
 others. When he encountered any of them in the 
 street, he would never fail to put some trick or 
 other upon them, pinning to them little fox-tails, 
 or hares' ears behind them, or some such other 
 prank. . One day that they were appointed all to 
 meet in the Sorbonne, he made a Borbonnais tart, 
 made of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, which he 
 steeped, tempered, and liquefied in horrible messes; 
 and, very early in the morning, therewith anointed 
 all the pavement, in such sort that the devil could 
 not have endured it. And all these good people 
 vomited before all the world, as if they had flayed 
 the fox ; ten or twelve of them died of the plague, 
 fourteen became lepers, eighteen became covered 
 with boils, but he did not care a button for it. 
 He commonly carried a whip under his gown, 
 wherewith he whipped without remission the pages 
 whom he found carrying wine to their masters, to 
 make them mend their pace. In his coat he had 
 about six-and-twenty little fobs and pockets always 
 full, one with some lead-water, and a little knife as 
 sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to 
 cut purses : another with verjuice, which he threw 
 into the eyes of those he met : another with burrs, 
 
I04 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 penned with little geese' or capons' feathers, which 
 he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people, 
 and often made them fair horns, which they wore 
 about the city, sometimes all their life. In an- 
 other he had little horns full of fleas, which he 
 borrowed from the beggars of St Innocent, and 
 cast them with small quills into the necks of the 
 daintiest gentlewomen that he could find, yea, 
 even in the church ; for he never seated himself 
 above in the choir, but always sat in the nave 
 among the women, both at mass, vespers, and 
 sermon. 
 
 In another pocket he used to have good store of 
 hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple 
 men and women together that sat in company 
 close to one another, but especially those that wore 
 gowns of crimson taffaties, that, when they were 
 about to go away, they might rend all their gowns. 
 In another he had a squib furnished with tinder, 
 matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackle 
 necessary for it. In another, two or three burning- 
 glasses, wherewith he made both men and women 
 sometimes mad, and in the church put them quite 
 out of countenance. 
 
 In another he had needles and thread, where- 
 with he did a thousand little devilish pranks. One 
 time, at the entry of the Courts of Law unto the 
 great Hall, where a certain cordelier was saying 
 mass to the Judges, he did help to apparel him 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 105 
 
 and put on his vestments ; but in the accoutreing 
 of him, he sewed on his alb to his gown and shirt, 
 and then withdrew himself when the Judges came 
 to hear the said mass. But when it came to the 
 Ite, inissa est, that the poor Frater would have 
 laid by his stole or surplice, as the fashion then 
 was, he plucked off withal both his frock and 
 shirt, which were well sewed together. From 
 henceforth it was ordained that the poor fathers 
 should never disrobe themselves any more before 
 the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as 
 they call it. 
 
 Item, he had another pocket full of itching 
 powder, called stone-allum, whereof he would cast 
 some into the backs of those women whom he saw 
 to be most beautiful and stately, which did so gall 
 them, that some would dance like a cock upon hot 
 embers, or a drumstick on a tabour. Others, 
 again, ran about the streets, and he would run 
 after them. 
 
 Item, in another he had a little bottle full of old 
 oil, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in 
 a handsome suit, he would grease and spoil all the 
 best parts, under pretence of touching them, say- 
 ing, " This is good cloth, this is good satin, good 
 taffaties, madam ; God give you all that your 
 noble heart desireth ! You have a new suit, 
 pretty sir; God give you joy of it," and with 
 this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, and 
 
I06 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 with it a stain which remained for ever was left 
 
 behind. 
 
 " Si enormement engravde 
 En I'ame, en cors, et renommde, 
 Que le diable ne I'eust ostie." 
 
 Another he had all full of euphorbium, very 
 finely pulverised. In that powder did he lay a 
 fair handkerchief, curiously wrought, which he had 
 stolen from a pretty sempstress of the Courts, and 
 when he came into the company of some good 
 ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of fine 
 linen, and then immediately put his hand into 
 their bosom, asking them, " And this work, is it of 
 Flanders, or of Hainault .-' " and then drew out 
 his handkerchief, and said, " Hold, hold ! look 
 what work here is ! " arid shaking it hard at their 
 nose, made them sneeze for four hours without 
 ceasing. 
 
 In another he had a picklock, a pelican, a cramp- 
 iron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith 
 there was no door nor coffer which he could not 
 pick open. He had another full of little cups, 
 wherewith he played very artificially, for he had 
 his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva 
 or Arachne. And when he changed a teston, or 
 any other piece of money, the changer would have 
 been subtle indeed if Panurge had not at every 
 time made five or six sols vanish away visibly, 
 openly, and manifestly, without making any hurt 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 107 
 
 or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt 
 nothing but the wind. 
 
 epistemon's descent jnto hell. 
 
 [There is no need to follow Pantagruel in his war with 
 the Dipsodes and the Giants. Enough that he discomfited 
 them, with Loupgarou their captain ; but that Epistemon, 
 one of his followers, had his head taken off in the battle.] 
 
 This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel 
 withdrew himself to the place of the flagons, and 
 called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto 
 him safe and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one 
 of the giants had scratched a little in the face 
 whilst he was cutting of his throat, and Epistemon, 
 who appeared not at all. Whereat Pantagruel 
 was so aggrieved, that he would have killed him- 
 self. But Panurge said unto him, "Deal Seigneur, 
 stay a while, and we will search for him amongst 
 the dead, and find out the truth of all." 
 
 Thus as they went seeking after him, they found 
 him stark dead, with his head between his arms all 
 bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, " Ah, cruel 
 death ! hast thou taken from us the perfectest 
 amongst men .-• " 
 
 At which words Pantagruel rose up with the 
 greatest grief that ever any man did see. But 
 
I08 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Panurge answered, " Children, weep not one drop 
 more ; he is yet all hot ; I will make him as sound 
 as ever he was." In saying this, he took the head, 
 and held it warm, that the wind might not enter 
 into it. Eusthenes and Carpalim carried the body 
 to the place where they had banqueted, not out of 
 any hope that ever he would recover, but that 
 Pantagruel might see it. 
 
 Nevertheless Panurge gave them good comfort, 
 saying, " If I do not heal him, I will be content 
 to lose my head, which is a fool's wager. Leave 
 off crying, and help me." Then cleansed he the 
 neck very well with pure white wine, and after 
 that the head, and into it synapised some powder 
 of wild sage, which he always carried about him 
 in one of his pockets. Afterwards he anointed it 
 with I know not what ointment, and set it on very 
 just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and 
 spondyl against spondyl, that he might not be 
 wry-necked, — for such people he mortally hated. 
 This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or 
 sixteen stitches with a needle, that it might not 
 fall off again, then all around he put on a little 
 ointment, which he called resuscitative. 
 
 Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then 
 opened his eyes, yawned, and sneezed. Where- 
 upon Panurge said, " Now, certainly, he is healed," 
 — and therefore gave him to drink a glass of strong 
 white wine, with a sugared toast. In this fashion 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 109 
 
 was Epistemon finely healed, only that he was 
 somewhat hoarse for above three weeks, and had 
 a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by 
 force of drinking. Then he began to speak, and 
 said that he had seen the devil, had spoken with 
 Lucifer familiarly, and had been very merry in 
 hell and in the Elysian fields. And he affirmed 
 before them all, that the devils were merry fellows. 
 But, in respect of the damned, he said he was very 
 sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back 
 into this world again ; " For," said he, " I took won- 
 derful delight to see them." "How so.'" said 
 Pantagruel. " Because they do not use them 
 there," said Epistemon, " so badly as you would 
 think. But their condition changed after a very 
 strange manner ; for I saw Alexander the Great 
 there, mending and patching old breeches, and 
 thus got his humble living. 
 
 Xerxes was a crier of mustard. 
 
 Romulus, a seller of salt. 
 
 Numa, a nailsmith. 
 
 Sylla, a ferryman. 
 
 Cyrus, a cowherd. 
 
 Themistocles, a glass-maker. 
 
 Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors. 
 
 Brutus and Cassius, land-surveyors. 
 
 Demosthenes, a vine-dresser. 
 
 Fabius, a threader of paternosters. 
 
 Artaxerxes, a rope-maker. 
 
no READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ^neas, a miller. 
 
 Ulysses, a hay-mower. 
 
 Nestor, a dealer in old iron. 
 
 Ancus Martius, a ship-tarrer. 
 
 Camillus, a cobbler. 
 
 Marcellus, a sheller of beans. 
 
 Asdrubal, a lantern-maker. 
 
 Hannibal, a cook. 
 
 Priam sold old clothes. 
 
 Lancelot of the Lake skinned dead horses. 
 
 " All the Knights of the Round Table were poor 
 day-labourers, employed to row over the rivers of 
 Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, 
 when my lords the devils had a mind to recreate 
 themselves upon the water, as do the boatmen at 
 Lyons, and the gondoliers of Venice. 
 
 ' Mais pour chacune passade, 
 Ilz n'ont qu'une nazarde,' 
 
 and in the morning a lump of mouldy bread. 
 Trajan was a fisher of frogs. 
 Antoninus, a lackey. 
 Commodus, a bagpiper. 
 Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. 
 Lucullus sold cherries. 
 Justinian, a pedlar. 
 Paris was a poor ragamuffin. 
 Cambyses, a muleteer. 
 Nero, a fiddler; and Fierabras was his serving- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. m 
 
 man, but he played Nero a thousand tricks, and 
 would make him eat stale bread and drink turned 
 wine, when himself did both eat and drink of the 
 best. 
 
 Julius Csesar and Pompey were shipwrights. 
 
 Godfrey de Bouillon, a maker of dominoes. 
 
 Baldwin was a churchwarden. 
 
 Huon of Bordeaux, a cooper. 
 
 Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion. 
 
 Antiochus was a chimney-sweeper. 
 
 Perce-Forest, a carrier of fagots. 
 
 The four sons of Aymon were all tooth-drawers. 
 
 Pope Urban, a bacon-picker. 
 
 Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench. 
 
 Cleopatra, a crier of onions. 
 
 Dido did sell mushrooms. 
 
 Penthesilea sold water-cress. 
 
 Lucretia was an ale-house keeper. 
 
 "After this manner, those that had been great 
 lords and ladies here, got but a poor scurvy 
 wretched living there below. And, on the con- 
 trary, the philosophers and others who in this 
 world had been altogether indigent and wanting, 
 were great lords there in their turn. I saw Dio- 
 genes there strutting in great magnificence, with a 
 rich purple gown, and a golden sceptre in his right 
 hand. And he doth make Alexander the Great 
 mad when he has not well patched his breeches ; 
 for he pays him with sound bastinadoes. I saw 
 
112 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the 
 French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, 
 with store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, 
 drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, with 
 abundance of gold crowns. Above the lattice were 
 written these verses for his device : — 
 
 ' To leap and dance, to sport and play, 
 And glasses fill with red and old, 
 And nothing else to do all day 
 But count the silver and the gold.' 
 
 " When he saw me, he invited me to drink with 
 him very courteously; and I being willing to be 
 entreated, we tippled together theologically. In 
 the meantime came Cyrus to beg a penny of him 
 for the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few 
 onions for his supper. 'No, no,' said Epictetus, 
 ' I do not give away pennies. Hold, thou varlet ! 
 there's a crown for thee ; be an honest man.' Cyrus 
 was exceedingly glad to have met with such a 
 boot}'^ ; but the other poor rogues of kings who are 
 there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole 
 it away from him by night. I saw Pathelin the 
 treasurer of Rhadamanthus, who was cheapening 
 pies that Pope Julius cried, and asked him how 
 much a dozen .' ' Three francs,' said the pope. 
 'Nay,' said Pathelin, 'three blows with a cudgel. 
 Lay them down, rascal ! lay them down, and go 
 fetch more ! ' The poor pope went away weeping, 
 and when he came to his master he told him that 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 113 
 
 they had taken away his pies. Whereupon his 
 master gave him the eel-skin, so that his own skin 
 would have been worth nothing to make bagpipes 
 of. I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes, 
 how much the mess of mustard. 'A penny,' said 
 Xerxes." 
 
 " Well," said Pantagruel, " reserve all these fair 
 stories for another time, only tell us how the usurers 
 are there handled." 
 
 " I saw them," said Epistemon, " all very busily 
 employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails in 
 the kennels of the streets, as you see poor rogues 
 do in this world. But the hundredweight of this 
 old iron is valued but at a cantle of bread, and 
 they have but a very bad despatch in the sale of it. 
 Thus the poor misers are sometimes more than 
 three weeks without eating one morsel or crumb 
 of bread, and yet work both day and night, look- 
 ing for the fair to come. Nevertheless, of all this 
 labour and misery they reckon nothing, so active 
 they are in hopes, at the end of the year, to earn 
 some scurvy penny by it." 
 
 " Come," said Pantagruel, " let us now make our- 
 selves merry one bout, and drink, my lads, I beseech 
 you, for it is very good drinking all this month." 
 Then did they uncase their flagons by heaps, and 
 with their provision made excellent good cheer. 
 
 H 
 
BOOK III. 
 
 TREATING OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND 
 SAYINGS OF THE GOOD PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 THE author's prologue. 
 
 Most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious 
 gentlemen with the gout, did you ever see Diogenes 
 the cynic philosopher? If you have seen him, you 
 then had your eyes in your head, or I' am very 
 much out of my understanding and logical sense. 
 It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of the sun. 
 I'll be judged by the blind-born, so renowned in 
 the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to 
 ask whatever he would from him who is Almighty, 
 and whose word in an instant is effectually per- 
 formed, asked nothing else but that he might see. 
 Item, you are not young, which enables you com- 
 petently to philosophise on wine, and hencefor- 
 wards to be of the Bacchic Council; to the end 
 
PANTAGRUEL. IIS 
 
 that you may give your opinion faithfully on the 
 substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, pro- 
 priety, faculty, virtue, effect, and dignity of the said 
 blessed and desired liquor. 
 
 If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced 
 to believe, at least you have heard some talk of 
 him. For through the air, and the whole extent 
 of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report 
 and fame, even until this present time, remained 
 very memorable and renowned. If you have not 
 heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to 
 make your wine relish — drink then, — and to make 
 you talk — hearken then, I give you notice, to the 
 end, that you may not, like infidels, be by your 
 simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare 
 philosopher, and joyous among a thousand. If he 
 had some imperfection, so have you, so have we. 
 Nothing is there but God which is perfect. So it 
 was, that Alexander the Great, although he had 
 Aristotle for his instructor and companion, held 
 him in such estimation, that he wished, if he had 
 not been Alexander, to have been Diogenes of 
 Sinope. 
 
 When Philip, King of Macedon, undertook to 
 besiege and ruin Corinth, the Corinthians having 
 received intelligence by their spies, that he with a 
 numerous army in battle array was coming against 
 them, were all of them, not without cause, afraid ; 
 and therefore were not negligent in carefully put- 
 
Il6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ting themselves each in office and duty to resist his 
 hostile approach and defend their city. 
 
 Some from the fields brought into the fortified 
 places their moveables, cattle, corn, wine, fruit, 
 victuals, and other necessary provision. Others 
 did fortify walls, set up bastions, squared ravelins, 
 digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced 
 themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, 
 emptied casemates, barricaded the false brays, 
 erected cavalliers, repaired counterscarps, plais- 
 tered courtines, erected watch-towers, sloped para- 
 pets, mortised barbacans, new-pointed portcullices, 
 placed sentries, and sent out patrols. Every one 
 did watch and ward, every one carried the bas- 
 ket. Some polished corselets, varnished backs and 
 breasts, cleaned the headpieces, mail-coats, brigan- 
 dines, salades, helmets, morions, jacks, gushets, 
 gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissards, corselets, 
 haubergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, 
 gauntlets, and spurs. Others made ready bows, 
 slings, crossbows, bullets, catapults, fire-balls, fire- 
 brands, balists, scorpions, and other such warHke 
 engines, expugnatory, and destructive to helepo- 
 lides. They sharpened staves, pikes, brown bills, 
 halberts, long hooks, lances, assagays, quarterstaves, 
 eel-spears, partisans, clubs, battle-axes, maces, darts, 
 dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons. 
 They set edges upon scimetars, cutlasses, badelaires, 
 back-swords, tucks, rapiers, bayonets, arrow-heads, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 117 
 
 dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whynyards, 
 knives, skenes, sables, and raillons. Every tnan 
 exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the 
 rust from his hanger : nor was there a woman 
 amongst them, though never so prudish or old, 
 who made not her harness to be well furnished ; 
 as you know the Corinthian women of old were 
 reputed very courageous combatants. 
 
 Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and 
 himself not employed by the magistrates in any 
 business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for 
 many days together, without speaking one word, 
 consider and contemplate the countenances of his 
 fellow-citizens. 
 
 Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up 
 and inspired by a martial spirit, he girded his 
 cloak, scarf-wise, tucked up his sleeves to the 
 elbow, trussed himself like a clown in an orchard, 
 and giving to an old campanion his wallet, books, 
 and papers, away went he out of town towards a 
 little hill or promontory of Corinth, called Craneum, 
 and there, on a level place, did he roll the earthen 
 tub which served him for a house against the in- 
 juries of the weather; there, I say, in great vehe- 
 mency of spirit, unfolding his arms, did he turn it, 
 veer it, jumble it, harrow it, shuffle it, upset it, beat 
 it, shove it, torment it, to turn it upside down, to roll 
 it at his feet, to dip it, to tap it, to ring it, to caulk 
 it, to uncaulk it, to spoil it, to bang it, to mess it. 
 
Il8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 to brangle it, to sink it, to push it, to shake it, to 
 start it, to lift it, to wash it, to shut it, to clog it, to 
 point it, to block it, to bustle it, to pick it up, to 
 batter it, to repair it, to sharpen it, to cleanse it, to 
 arm it, guisarmed it, harnessed it, plumed it, capari- 
 soned it, rolled it down the hill ; then carried it to 
 the top again, like Sisyphus with his stone, so that 
 he nearly banged the bottom out. 
 
 One of his friends seeing this, asked him what 
 moved him so to torment his body, his spirit, and 
 his tub. The philosopher's answer was, that, not 
 being employed in any other charge by the Re- 
 public, he in this fashion thundered upon his tub, 
 that, amongst a people so fervently busy, and earn- 
 est at work, he alone might not seem a loiterer 
 and idler. To the same purpose may I say of 
 myself — 
 
 Though I be rid from fear, 
 I am not void of care. 
 
 For perceiving no account to be made of me 
 worthy of any trust, and considering that through 
 all the parts of this most noble kingdom of France, 
 both on this and on the other side of the moun- 
 tains, every one is most diligently exercised and 
 busied, some in the fortifying of their own native 
 country, for its defence, others in the repulse of 
 their enemies by an offensive war; and all this 
 with a policy so excellent, and such admirable 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 1 19 
 
 order, so manifestly profitable for the future, 
 whereby France shall be superbly bounded, and 
 Frenchmen assured of rest, that very little with- 
 holds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, 
 which affirmeth war to be the father of all good 
 things ; and therefore do I believe that war is in 
 Latin called Bellum, and not by antiphrasis, as 
 some patchers of old rusty Latin would have us to 
 think, because in war there is little beauty to be 
 seen ; but absolutely and simply, for that in war 
 appeareth all that is good and graceful, and that 
 by the wars is purged out all manner of wicked- 
 ness and deformity. For proof whereof the wise 
 and pacific Solomon could no better represent the 
 unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than 
 by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking 
 of an army in battle array, well provided and 
 ordered. 
 
 Therefore, by reason of my weakness and ina- 
 bility, being reputed by my compatriots unfit for 
 the offensive part of warfare ; and, on the other 
 side, being no way employed in matter of the 
 defensive, although it had been but to carry a 
 basket, fill a ditch, or break a clod, either whereof 
 had been to me indifferent, — I held it not a little 
 disgraceful to be only an idle spectator of so many 
 valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the 
 view and sight of all Europe act this notable inter- 
 lude and tragi-comedy, and not exert myself, and 
 
I20 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 contribute thereto this nothing, my all, which re- 
 mained to me. In my opinion, little honour is 
 due to such as are mere lookers-on, and of their 
 strength parsimonious ; who conceal their crowns ■ 
 and hide their silver ; scratch their head with one 
 finger like gaping clowns, yawn at the flies like 
 tithe-calves, prick up their ears like Arcadian asses 
 at the melody of musicians, and by gesture of 
 silence express their consent to the prosopopeia. 
 Having made this choice and election, I thought 
 to make an exercise neither unprofitable nor trouble- 
 some to any, if I should set agoing my Diogenical 
 tub, which is all that is left me from the shipwreck 
 of my former misfortunes. At this wagging of my 
 tub, what would you have me to do .■' By the 
 Virgin who tucks up her sleeve, I know not as 
 yet. Stay a little, till I suck up a draught of this 
 bottle ; it is my true and only Helicon ; it is my 
 Caballine Fountain ; it is my sole enthusiasm. 
 Drinking thus, I meditate, discourse, resolve, and 
 conclude. After the epilogue I laugh, I write, I 
 compose, I drink. Ennius drinking wrote, and 
 writing drank, ^schylus, if Plutarch in his Sym- 
 posiacs merit any faith, drank composing, and 
 drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting, 
 and Cato never wrote till after he had drank. 
 These passages I have brought before you, to the 
 end you may not say that I live without example 
 of men well praised, and better prized. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 12 1 
 
 Since then my luck or destiny is such as you 
 have heard, for it is not for everybody to go to 
 Corinth, I am fully resolved to be so little idle and 
 unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one 
 and the other sort of people. Amongst the diggers, 
 pioneers, and rampart-builders, I will do as did 
 Neptune and Apollo at Troy, under Laomedon, 
 or as did Renault of Montauban in his latter days : 
 I will serve the masons, I will set on the pot to 
 boil for the bricklayers ; and, the repast over, I 
 will measure with the sound of my bagpipe the 
 singing of the singers. 
 
 For the use of the warriors I am about to broach 
 off a new barrel to give them a taste (which by two 
 former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness and 
 falsehood of printers, they had not been jumbled 
 and spoiled, you would have very well relished), 
 and draw unto them, of the growth of our own 
 frivolous pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, 
 and consequently a joyous quart of Pantagruelian 
 sentences. By me shall you be permitted to call 
 them Biogenic ; and shall have me, seeing I can- 
 not be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, 
 refreshing and cheering, according to my little 
 power, their return from the alarms of the enemy ; 
 and for an indefatigable extoller of their martial 
 exploits and glorious achievements. 
 
 I remember, nevertheless, to have read, that 
 Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one day amongst the 
 
122 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 many spoils and booties which by his victories he 
 had acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the 
 open view of the people, a Bactrian camel all 
 black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort, as 
 that the one half of his body was black, and the 
 other white, not in partition of breadth by the 
 diaphragm, as was that woman consecrated to 
 the Indian Venus, whom the Tyanean philosopher 
 did see between the River Hydaspes and Mount 
 Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension; which 
 were things never before that seen in Egypt. He 
 expected by the show of these novelties to win the 
 love of the people. But what happened thereupon.' 
 At the production of the camel they were all 
 affrighted and offended ; at the sight of the party- 
 coloured man, some scoffed and others loathed him 
 as a detestable monster brought forth by the error 
 of nature. In a word, the hope which he had to 
 please these Egyptians, and by such means to in- 
 crease the affection which they naturally bore him, 
 slipped out of his hands; and he learned that things 
 fair, elegant, and perfect, were more to their taste 
 than things ridiculous and monstrous. Since which 
 time he had both the slave and the camel in such 
 dislike, that very shortly thereafter, through negli- 
 gence, and want of ordinary sustenance, they both 
 exchanged life for death. 
 
 This example putteth me in a suspense between 
 hope and fear, misdoubting that, for the content- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 123 
 
 ment which I aim at, I reap what I abhor : my 
 treasure turns out ashes, and my Venus, Barbet the 
 dog ; instead of serving them, I shall but vex 
 them ; instead of making them joyous, I shall 
 offend them ; resembling, in this dubious adven- 
 ture, Euclion's cock, so renowned by Plautus in his 
 Aulularia, and by Ausonius in his. Gryphon, and by 
 divers others ; which cock, for having by his scrap- 
 ing discovered a treasure, had his throat cut. Put 
 the case I get no anger by it, though formerly 
 such things fell out, and the like may occur again. 
 Yet, by. Hercules, it will not. So I perceive in 
 them all, one and a specific form, and individual 
 property, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism ; 
 by virtue whereof in bad part never will they take 
 anything whatever. They will recognise the up- 
 springing of courage good, free, and loyal. I have 
 seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of pay- 
 ment, and remain satisfied therewith, when one was 
 not able to do better. Having despatched this 
 point, I return to my barrel. 
 
 Up, my lads, to this wine ! spare it not ! Drink 
 boys, and trowl it off at full bowls ! If you do not 
 think it good, let it alone. I am not like those 
 importunate lifre lofres, who by force, outrage, and 
 violence, constrain the company to drink, car- 
 ouse, and dance, which is worse. All honest tip- 
 plers, all honest men with gout, all such as are 
 a-dry, coming to this barrel of mine, need not 
 
124 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 drink thereof, if it please them not ; but if they 
 have a mind to it, and that the wine prove agree- 
 able to the taste of their worshipful worships, let 
 them drink, frankly, freely, and boldly, without 
 paying anything, and spare it not. This is my 
 decree. And let none fear there shall be any 
 want of wine, as at the marriage of Cana in Gali- 
 lee ; for just as much as you draw forth at the 
 faucet, so much shall I turn in at the bung. Thus 
 shall the barrel remain inexhaustible ; it hath a 
 lively spring and perpetual current. Such was the 
 beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus 
 — 'which was figuratively represented among the 
 Brahmin sages. Such was in Iberia the mountain 
 of salt, so celebrated by Cato. Such was the branch 
 of gold consecrated to the subterranean goddess, 
 so celebrated by Virgil. It is a true cornucopia 
 of joyousness and raillery. If at any time it seem 
 to you to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall 
 it not for all that be drawn wholly dry. Good 
 hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's 
 bottle ; and not despair, as in the tubs of the 
 Danaids. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 125 
 
 panurge's praises of prodigality. 
 
 Pantagruel assigned to Panurge the Chatel- 
 lenie of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth 
 6,789,106,789 royals of certain rent, besides the 
 uncertain revenue of cockchafers and snails, 
 amounting, one year with another, to the value 
 of 2,435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. 
 Sometimes it did amount to 1,234,554,321 seraphs, 
 when it was a good year, and cockchafers and snails 
 in request ; but that was not every year. 
 
 Now the new Chatelain ruled himself so well 
 and prudently, that in less than fourteen days 
 he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and 
 uncertain revenue of his Chatellenie for three 
 whole years. Yet did not he dilapidate it, as you 
 might say, in founding of monasteries, building 
 of churches, erecting of colleges and hospitals, or 
 casting his bacon to the dogs ; but spent it in a 
 thousand little banquets and joyous festivals, keep- 
 ing open house for all comers ; yea, to all good 
 fellows, young girls, and dainty maidens; felling 
 timber, burning the great logs for the sale of the 
 ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, 
 selling cheap, and eating his corn in the blade. 
 
 Pantagruel, being advertised of the affair, was 
 in no way offended, angry, nor sorry; for I have 
 already told you, and say it again, that he was the 
 
126 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 best, little, great goodman th^t ever girded a sword 
 to his side. He took all things in good part, and 
 interpreted every action to the best sense. He 
 never disquieted himself; he was never scandal- 
 ised. And he would have abandoned the divine 
 manor of reason, if he had been grieved or afflicted. 
 For all the goods that the heaven covereth, and 
 that the earth containeth, in all their dimensions of 
 height, depth, breadth, and length, are not worthy 
 of disturbing our affections, our senses and spirits. 
 
 He only drew Panurge aside, and sweetly repre- 
 sented to him that, if he should continue to live 
 thus, it would prove altogether impossible, or at 
 least difficult, at any time to make him rich. 
 " Rich .' " answered Panurge ; " have you fixed your 
 thoughts there ? Have you undertaken the task to 
 enrich me in this world ? Set your mind to live 
 merrily in the name of God and good folks. Let 
 no other cark nor care be harboured within the 
 sacro-sanctified domicile of your celestial brain ! 
 May the tranquillity thereof be never troubled by 
 any clouds of imagination edged with trouble and 
 worry. For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and 
 glad, I cannot be but rich enough. Everybody 
 cries up thrift, thrift, but many speak of thrift who 
 know not what belongs to it. 
 
 " It is by me that they must be advised. From 
 me, therefore, you shall take this advertisement, 
 that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 127 
 
 done in imitation of the University and Parlia- 
 ment of Paris, places in which is to be found the 
 true spring and source of the lively idea of pan- 
 theology, and all manner of justice. Heretic is he 
 who doubteth thereof, and doth not firmly believe 
 it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, or 
 the revenue of the bishopric — is it not all one i" — 
 for a whole year ; yea, sometimes for two. This is 
 done on the day he makes his entry, and is in- 
 stalled. Nor is there any place for an excuse ; for 
 he cannot avoid it, unless he would be instantly 
 stoned for his parsimony. It hath also been 
 esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the 
 four cardinal virtues. 
 
 " Of Prudence, in borrowing money beforehand ; 
 for none knows what may fall out. Who is able 
 to tell if the world shall last yet three years .■' But 
 although it should continue longer, is there any 
 man so foolish as to have the confidence to promise 
 himself three years ? 
 
 ' One homme n'eust les dieux tant bien k main, 
 Qu'asseurd feust de vivre au lendemain.' 
 
 " Of Commutative Justice, in buying dear, I say, 
 upon trust, and selling cheap, that is, for ready 
 money. What says Cato in his ' Book of Hus- 
 bandry ' to this purpose .'' The father of a family, 
 says he, must be a perpetual seller ; by which 
 means it is impossible but that at last he shall 
 become rich if always lasts the shop. 
 
128 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " Of Distributive Justice it doth partake, in giving 
 entertainment to good, yea, good and gentle fel- 
 lows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like Ulysses, 
 on the Rock of Good Appetite without provisions ; 
 and likewise to good girls, yea, good, and young, 
 yea, young. For according to the sentence of 
 Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, chiefly 
 if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and 
 bouncing. 
 
 " Of Fortitude, by the cutting down of the great 
 trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the 
 dark forest, serving for shelter to wolves, wild 
 boars, and foxes ; receptacles for robbers and mur- 
 derers, lurking holes for cut -throats, workshops 
 for coiners, and retreats for heretics; laying the 
 woods even and level with the fields and heaths, 
 playing hautboys and bagpipes, and preparing 
 seats for the night of judgment. 
 
 " Of Temperance, in eating my corn whilst it was 
 but grass, like a hermit feeding on salad and roots, 
 enfranchising myself from sensual appetites, so that 
 I might spare for the lame and suffering. 
 
 " In taking this course I save the expense of 
 weeders, who gain money ; of reapers, who drink 
 lustily, and without water ; of gleaners, who will 
 expect their cakes ; of threshers, who leave no 
 garlic, onions, or shallot in our gardens, by the 
 authority of Thestilis in Virgil ; and of the millers, 
 who are commonly thieves ; and of the bakers, who 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 129 
 
 are little better. Is this a small saving ? Besides' 
 the mischief of field-mice, the decay of barns, and 
 the destruction usually made by weevils and rats. 
 
 " Of corn in the blade, you may make good green 
 sauce, of a light concoction and easy digestion, 
 which recreates your brain, exhilarates the animal 
 spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, 
 delighteth the taste, comforteth the heart, tickleth 
 the tongue, maketh clear complexion, strengtheneth 
 the muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens the 
 midriff, refresheth the liver, easeth the kidneys, 
 suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the back." 
 
 " I understand you very well," says Pantagruel ; 
 " you would thereby infer that those of a mean 
 spirit and shallow capacity have not the skill to 
 spend much in a short time. You are not the first 
 who has conceived this heresy. Nero maintained 
 it, and above all mortals admired most his uncle, 
 Caius Caligula, for having, in a few days, by rnirific 
 invention, totally spent all the goods and patri- 
 mony which Tiberius had left him." 
 
 PANURGE IN PRAISE OF DEBT. 
 
 " But," quoth Pantagruel, " when will you be out 
 of debt ? " 
 
 " At the Greek kalends," answered Panurge, 
 I 
 
130 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 '' when all the world shall be content, and you will 
 be your own heir. The Lord forbid that I should 
 be out of debt ! No more should I find one who 
 would lend me a penny. Who leaves not some 
 leaven overnight, will hardly have paste the next 
 morning. Are you indebted to somebody.' By 
 him will God continually be entreated to grant 
 unto you a blessed, long, and prosperous life ; 
 fearing to lose his debt, he will always speak good 
 of you in every company, always will get new 
 creditors unto you ; to the end, that through them 
 you may make payment, and with other folk's 
 earth fill up his ditch. When of old in Gaul, by 
 the institution of the Druids, the servants, slaves, 
 and bondsmen were burned quick at the funerals 
 and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not 
 they fear enough, think you, that their lords and 
 masters should die ? For, perforce, they were to 
 die with them for company. Did not they inces- 
 santly send up their supplications to their great god 
 Mercury, with Dis, the Father of Crownpieces, to 
 preserve them long in health ? Were not they 
 very careful to entertain them well, punctually to 
 look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and 
 circumspectly ? For by those means they were to 
 live together at least until the hour of death. Be- 
 lieve me, your creditors, with even more fervent 
 devotion, will beseech God that you may live, 
 being of nothing more afraid than that you should 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 131 
 
 die ; as it evidently appeareth by the usurers of 
 Landerousse, who not long since hanged them- 
 selves, because the price of corn and wines was 
 fallen, by the return of a gracious season." To 
 this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge went 
 on his discourse, saying, " Truly, when I think 
 upon it, you run full tilt at me, in twitting me with 
 my debts and creditors. Dea ! In this only re- 
 spect do I esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and 
 formidable. For against the opinion of most philo- 
 sophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, did I out 
 of nothing become a maker and creator ; I have 
 created, — what? — so many fair and jolly creditors. 
 Creditors, I will maintain it, even to the fire exclu- 
 sively, are fair and goodly creatures. Who lend- 
 eth nothing is an ugly and wicked Creature, and 
 an imp of the Infernal Lord, Old Nick. And 
 there is made — what ? Debts. A thing rare and 
 ancient. Debts, I say, exceeding the number of 
 syllables which may result from the combinations 
 of all the consonants, with the vowels heretofore 
 projected and calculated by the noble Xenocrates. 
 You will not err in practical arithmetic if you esti- 
 mate the perfection of debtors by the numerosity 
 of creditors. 
 
 " Imagine how glad I am, when every morning I 
 perceive myself surrounded by these creditors, so 
 humble, fawning, and full of reverences. And 
 whilst I remark that if I give to one cheerfuller 
 
132 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 countenance and better cheer than to another, the 
 fellow thinks that he shall be the first despatched, 
 and the foremost in the date of payment ; and he 
 valueth my smiles at the rate of ready money. It 
 seemeth unto me, that I then act and personate 
 the god of the Passion in the Mystery at Saumur, 
 accompanied by his angels and cherubims. 
 
 " These are my candidates, my parasites, my sal- 
 uters, my givers of good-morrows, my perpetual 
 orators. And I verily think, that the Mountain of 
 Heroic Virtue, described by Hesiod, consisteth in 
 debts, wherein I held the first degree in my Com- 
 mencement. Which dignity few, because of the 
 difficulties in the way, are able to reach ; as is 
 easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehe- 
 ment longing of every one to make more debts 
 and new creditors. 
 
 " Nevertheless, he is not always a debtor who 
 wishes : he does not always make creditors who 
 desires. You, however, would push me out of this 
 sovereign felicity : you ask me when I will be 
 out of debt. Well, there are worse things ; may 
 Saint Babolin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have 
 not all my lifetime held debt to be as a connection 
 or tie betw^een the heavens and the earth ; the only 
 bond of union of the human race ; yea, without it 
 the whole progeny of Adam would soon perish ; 
 even, perhaps, it is the great soul of the universe, 
 which, according to the Academics, vivifieth all 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 133 
 
 things. In confirmation whereof, that you may the 
 better believe it to be so, represent unto yourself, 
 without any prejudice of spirit, in a clear and serene 
 fancy, the idea and form of some other world than 
 this ; takfe, if you please, the thirtieth of those which 
 the philosopher Metrodorus did imagine, wherein it 
 is to be supposed there is no debtor or creditor. 
 
 " A world without debts ! There amongst the 
 planets will be no regular course, all will be in dis- 
 order. Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing 
 indebted unto Saturn, will thrust him out of his 
 sphere, and with the Homeric chain will be like to 
 hang up the Intelligences, Gods, Heavens, Demoijs, 
 Heroes, Genies, Devils, Earth, and Sea — all the 
 elements. Saturn will combine with Mars, and 
 will put all the world into perturbation. 
 
 " Mercury then will be no more subjected to the 
 other planets ; he will be no longer their Camillus, 
 as he was of old termed in the Etruscan tongue. 
 For he is no way a debtor to them. 
 
 "Venus will be no more venerated, because she 
 shall have lent nothing. The moon will remain 
 bloody and obscure. For to what end should the 
 sun impart unto her his light .'' He would owe 
 her nothing. , The sun will not shine upon the 
 earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, 
 because the terrestrial globe desisted from sending 
 up their nourishment by vapours and exhalations, 
 wherewith Heraclitus said, the Stoics proved, 
 
134 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Cicero maintained, they were cherished and ali- 
 mented. Among the elements there will be no 
 symbolisation, alteration, nor transmutation; for 
 the one will not esteem itself obliged to the other, 
 as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earth 
 then will not become water, water will not be 
 changed into air, of air will be made, no fire, and 
 fire will afford no heat unto the earth ; the earth 
 will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants ; 
 no rain will descend upon it, nor light shine thereon ; 
 no wind will blow there, nor will there be in it any 
 summer or harvest. Lucifer will break loose, and 
 issuing forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with 
 his furies, fiends, and horned devils, will drive out of 
 heaven all the gods, as well of the greater as of the 
 lesser nations. Such a world without lending will 
 be no better than a dog-kennel, more unruly and 
 irregular than that of the Rector of Paris ; a devil 
 of a hurly-burly, worse than that of the games of 
 Dou^. Men will not then salute one another ; it 
 will be but lost labour to cry for aid or succour 
 from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none 
 will put to their helping hand. Why ? He lent 
 no money, there is nothing due to him. Nobody 
 is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his 
 ruin, or in his death ; and that because he hitherto 
 has lent nothing, and would never thereafter have 
 lent anything. In short. Faith, Hope, and Charity 
 will be quite banished from such a world, — for men 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 135 
 
 are born to relieve and assist one another ; and in 
 their stead will succeed and be introduced Defiance, 
 Disdain, and Rancour, with the cohort of all evils, 
 all imprecations, and all miseries. Whereupon you 
 will think, and that not amiss, that Pandora has 
 spilt her bottle. Men unto men will be wolves, 
 were-wolves, and goblins (as were Lycaon, Beller- 
 ophon, Nabuchodonosor,) brigands, murderers, poi- 
 soners, assassins, lewd, wicked, malevolent, full of 
 hatred, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Met- 
 abus, dr Timon the Athenian, who for that cause 
 was named Misanthropos ; in such sort, that it 
 would be easier in nature to have fish entertained 
 in the air, and bullocks fed at the bottom of the 
 ocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally world 
 that will not lend. These fellows, I vow, do I hate 
 with a perfect hatred ; and if, after the pattern of 
 this grievous and perverse world which lendeth 
 nothing, you figure and liken the little world, which 
 is man, you will find in him a terrible clutter. The 
 head will not lend the sight of his eyes to guide the 
 feet and hands ; the feet will refuse to carry the 
 head ; the hands will leave ofi" working for it ; the 
 heart will be weary of its continual motion for the 
 pulse of the members, and will no longer lend his 
 assistance ; the lungs wili withdraw the use of their 
 bellows ; the liver will send it no more blood for 
 the good of the whole. The brains, in the interim, 
 considering this unnatural course, will fall into 
 
136 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 moodiness, and withhold feeling from the sinews, 
 and motion from the muscles. Briefly, in this dis- 
 ordered world, owing nothing, lending nothing, 
 borrowing nothing, you will see a more dangerous 
 conspiration than that which ^sop exposed in his 
 apologue. And without doubt it will perish ; and 
 not only perish, but perish very quickly, were it 
 ^sculapius himself. The body will immediately 
 rot, and the chafing soul, full of indignation, take 
 its flight to all the devils after my money. 
 
 " On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto 
 your fancy another world, wherein every one lend- 
 eth, and every one oweth, all are debtors, and all 
 creditors. O how great will be the harmony 
 among the regular motions of the heavens ! Me- 
 thinks I hear it every whit as well as ever Plato 
 did. What sympathy among the elements! O 
 how delectable then unto nature will be her own 
 works and productions ! Ceres laden with corn, 
 Bacchus with wines. Flora with flowers, Pomona 
 with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome 
 and pleasant — ^I lose myself in this contemplation. 
 
 " Among mankind, peace, love, aff"ection, fidelity, 
 rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver, 
 small money, chains, rings, merchandise, will trot 
 from hand to hand. No suits at law, no wars, no 
 strife; none will be there a usurer, none will be 
 a pinch-penny, a miser, or refuser. O true God ! 
 will not this be the golden age, the reign of Saturn, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 137 
 
 the true idea of the Olympic regions, wherein all 
 other virtues cease, charity alone ruleth, governeth, 
 domineereth, and triumpheth ? All will be good, 
 all will be fair, all will be just. 
 
 " O happy world ! O people of that world most 
 happy ! Yea, thrice and four times blessed is that 
 people ! I think I am amongst them ! I swear to 
 you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious 
 aforesaid world had a pope, abounding with car- 
 dinals, and associated with a sacred college, in a 
 few years you would see the saints thicker on the 
 roll, more miraculous, with more lessons at their 
 services, more vows, more staves and wax-candles 
 than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Brittany, 
 St Yves only excepted. Consider, sir, I pray you, 
 how the noble Patelin, having a mind to deify, and 
 extol even to the third heavens, the father of Guil- 
 laume Jousseaulme, said no more but this — 
 
 ' Et si prestoit 
 Les denr^es h. qui en vouloit.' 
 
 " O the fine saying ! After this pattern conceive 
 our microcosm, that is, man, in all his members, 
 lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, ac- 
 cording to its own nature. For nature hath not to 
 any other end created man, but to owe, borrow, 
 and lend ; no greater is the harmony amongst the 
 heavens, than that of this well-ordered policy. The 
 intention of the founder of this microcosm is 
 
138 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 therein to entertain the soul which is lodged there, 
 as a guest with its host. Life consisteth in blood ; 
 blood is the seat of the soul ; therefore the chief 
 work of the microcosm is, to be making blood con- 
 tinually. 
 
 "At this forge are exercised all the members, 
 each in its proper office. And such is their hier- 
 archy, that perpetually the one borrows from the 
 other, the one lends the other, and the one is the 
 other's debtor. The stuff and matter convenient 
 to be turned into blood is given by nature — 
 namely, bread and wine. All kind of nourishing 
 victuals is understood to be comprehended in these 
 two. To find out this meat and drink, to prepare 
 and boil it, the hands are put to work, the feet do 
 walk and bear up the whole machine; the eyes 
 guide all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, 
 by means of a little sour melancholy, which is 
 transmitted thereto from the milt, giveth warning 
 to put the food in the oven. The tongue doth 
 make the first essay, and tastes it ; the teeth do 
 chaw it, and the stomach doth receive, digest, and 
 chilify it. The mesaraic veins suck out of it what 
 is good and fit. Thereafter it is carried to the 
 liver, where it being changed again, it by the virtue 
 of that new transmutation becomes blood. What 
 joy, conjecture you, will then be found amongst 
 those officers, when they see this rivulet of gold, 
 which is their sole restorative ? No greater is the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 139 
 
 joy of alchy mists, when, after long travail, great 
 toil, and expense, they see in their furnaces the 
 transmutation. Then is it that every member doth 
 prepare itself, and strive anew to purify and to 
 refine this treasure. The kidneys, through the 
 emulgent veins, draw out that aquosity. The 
 spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, 
 and the lees which you term melancholy. The 
 bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the 
 superfluous choler ; whence it is brought to an- 
 other shop or workhouse to be yet better puri- 
 fied and fined, that is the heart, which by its 
 diastolic and systolic motions subtiliseth and in- 
 flameth it, so that on the right side ventrical it 
 is brought to perfection, and through the veins 
 is sent to all the members. Each parcel of the 
 body draws it then unto itself, and after its own 
 fashion is cherished and alimented by it, — feet, 
 hands, eyes — yea, all ; and then it is that who 
 before were lenders now become debtors. The 
 heart doth in its left side ventrical so thin the 
 blood, that it thereby obtains the name of spiritual ; 
 which being sent through the arteries to all the 
 members of the body, serveth to warm and win- 
 now the other blood which runneth through the 
 veins. The lungs never cease with lobes and bel- 
 lows to refresh it ; in acknowledgment of which 
 good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts 
 unto it the choicest of its blood. At last it is 
 
I40 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 made so fine and subtle within the marvellous net, 
 that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and 
 composed of it ; by means whereof it imagines, 
 discourses, judges, resolves, deliberates, ratiocina- 
 teth, and remembereth. 
 
 " Vertuguoy ! I drown, I perish, I wander astray, 
 when I enter into the profound abyss of this 
 world, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, it 
 is a divine thing to lend ; to owe, a heroic vir- 
 tue. Yet is not this all. This world thus lend- 
 ing, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charita- 
 ble, that no sooner is the above-specified alimen- 
 tation finished, but that it forthwith projecteth to 
 lend to those who are not as yet born, and by that 
 loan to perpetuate itself, and multiply in images 
 like unto itself — that is, children." 
 
 PANURGES STRANGE DESIRE. 
 
 Panurge, the day after, caused pierce his right 
 ear, after the Jewish fashion, and thereto clasped 
 a little gold ring, of inlaid work, in the stone 
 whereof was enchased a flea ; and to the end you 
 may be rid of all doubts, know that the flea was 
 black. It is a fine thing to be in all cases well 
 informed. 
 
 He then took four French ells of russet cloth 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 141 
 
 and therein apparelled himself, as with a long 
 single-stitched gown, left off the wearing of his 
 breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles to his cap. 
 In this equipage did he present himself before 
 Pantagruel ; who, not understanding the mystery, 
 asked him what he did intend to personate in that 
 new-fangled prosopopeia ? 
 
 "I have," answered Panurge, "a flea in mine ear, 
 and have a mind to marry." 
 
 " In a good time be it," said Pantagruel, '' you 
 have told me joyful tidings. Yet would not I hold a 
 red-hot iron in my hand for all that. But it is not 
 the fashion of lovers to be accoutred in such dang- 
 ling vestments, to have their shirts hanging over 
 their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe 
 of russet, which is a colour never used in long 
 garments among persons of quality or virtue." 
 
 " The colour," answered Panurge, " is convenient, 
 therefore will I henceforth hold me with it, and, 
 more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto 
 I have done, look to my affairs and business. See- 
 ing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw man 
 more unpleasing than I shall be, if God help me 
 not. Lo, here be my spectacles. I believe cer- 
 tainly, that in the next ensuing year I shall once 
 more preach the crusade. Do you see this russet ? 
 Doubt not but there lurketh under it some occult 
 virtue, known to very few in the world. I only 
 took it before this morning ; and nevertheless am 
 
142 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 already mad after a wife. O the provident and 
 thrifty husband that I shall be ! After my death, 
 with all honour and respect due to the perfect 
 husband, will they burn me with an honourable 
 funeral, on purpose to preserve my ashes. Look 
 upon me, sir, both before and behind, — it is made 
 after the manner of a toga, which was the ancient 
 fashion of the Romans in time of peace. I took 
 the shape thereof from Trajan's Column at Rome, 
 and the Triumphal Arch of Septimus Severus. I 
 am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats 
 and hoquetons. My shoulders are worn with the 
 carrying of harness. Let arms cease, and the 
 long robe bear sway ! At least it must be so 
 for the whole space of the succeeding year, if I 
 be married ; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you 
 evidenced." 
 
 Panurge thereupon fetching a deep sigh, said, 
 " My lord and master, you have now heard the 
 design I am upon, which is to marry. I humbly 
 beseech you, for the affection which of a long time 
 you have borne me, to give me your best advice 
 thereon." 
 
 " Then," answered Pantagruel, " seeing you have 
 so decreed and taken deliberation thereon, and 
 that the matter is fully determined, what need 
 is there of any further talk thereof? It only 
 remains to put into execution what you have 
 resolved." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 143 
 
 " Yea, but," quoth Panurge, " I would be loath 
 to put it into execution without your counsel and 
 advice." 
 
 "It is my judgment also," quoth Pantagruel, 
 " and I advise you to it." 
 
 "Nevertheless," quoth Panurge, "if you think 
 that it were better for me to remain as I am, I 
 would rather choose not to marry." 
 
 "Then," said Pantagruel, "do not marry." 
 
 "Yea, but," quoth Panurge, "would you have 
 me thus remain alone without conjugal company .' 
 You know it is written, ViZ soli! and a single 
 person is never seen to reap the joy and solace 
 that is found with married folks." 
 
 " Marry, then, in the name of God," said Pan- 
 tagruel. 
 
 " But if," said Panurge, " my wife were unfaithful 
 — plenty of such there are — it would be enough to 
 make me die for want of patience. This is a point 
 which troubles me." 
 
 " Then do not marry," said Pantagruel, " for the 
 maxim of Seneca is true without exception : ' What 
 thou hast done to another, that shall be done unto 
 thee.' " 
 
 " Say you," said Panurge, " without any excep- 
 tion .? " 
 
 " Without exception, it is said." 
 
 "Ho! ho!" replied Panurge, " de par le petit 
 diable, he means in this world or the next. But if 
 
144 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 it were the will of God, and that my destiny did 
 lead me to marry an honest woman, who should 
 beat me, I would be more than two third-parts of 
 Job if I were not stark mad by it. For it hath 
 been told me that these exceeding honest women 
 have ordinarily very wicked headpieces ; therefore 
 is it that their family lacketh not for good vinegar. 
 Yet in that case should it go worse with me, if I 
 did not then in such sort bang her arms, legs, head, 
 lights, and liver, and milt, and so mangle her coats, 
 that the great devil himself should wait at the gate 
 for the reception of her lost soul. I could make a 
 shift for this year to waive such molestation, and 
 be content not to be engaged in it." 
 
 " Do not marry, then," answered Pantagruel. 
 
 "Yea, but," quoth Panurge, "'considering the 
 condition wherein I now am, out of debt and un- 
 married ; mark what I say, free from all debt, in 
 an evil hour ! for, were I deeply in debt, my credi- 
 tors would be but too careful of my paternity. 
 But being free, and not married, nobody will be so 
 regardful of me, or carry towards me a love like 
 that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. And 
 if by some mishap I should fall sick, I would 
 be looked to very waywardly. The wise man 
 saith, 'Where there is no woman, I mean the 
 mother of a family, and in lawful wedlock, the sick 
 man groans in vain.' I have seen clear experience 
 in popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 145 
 
 and monks; but there, assure yourself, you shall 
 not find me." 
 
 "Marry, then, in the name of God," answered 
 Pantagruel. 
 
 " Your counsel," quoth Panurge, " under correc- 
 tion, seemeth unto me not unlike to the song of 
 Ricochet. It is full of sarcasms, mockeries, plays 
 on words, quips, and contradictory iterations. One 
 destroys another. I know not which of all your 
 answers to lay hold on." 
 
 " Good reason why," quoth Pantagruel ; " for 
 your proposals ,are so full of ifs and buts, that 1 
 can ground nothing on them, nor pitch upon any 
 solid solution. Are not you assured within your- 
 self of what you have a mind to ? The main point 
 lieth there. All the rest is casual, and dependeth 
 upon the fatal disposition of the heavens. 
 
 "We see some so happy in this encounter, that in 
 their marriage there seems to shine some idea and 
 representation of the joys of paradise. Others, 
 again, are so unhappy, that the devils which tempt 
 the hermits of Thebais and Montserrat are not 
 more miserable than they. One must enter upon 
 this adventure eyes banded, with bowed heads, 
 kissing the ground, and recommending ourself to 
 God for the rest, if our will engage upon it. It 
 lieth not in my power to give you any other man- 
 ner of assurance. Nevertheless, if it please you, 
 this you may do. Bring hither Virgil's poems, and 
 
 K 
 
146 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 after opening the book three times, we will, accord- 
 ing to the number agreed upon between ourselves, 
 explore the future hap of your marriage. For, by 
 Homeric lot, have some hit upon their destinies ; 
 as is testified in the person of Socrates, who, whilst 
 he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this verse 
 of Homer, said of Achilles (Iliad, ix. 363) — 
 
 ' We, the third day, to fertile Phthia came ; ' 
 
 thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day 
 he was to die. Of the truth whereof he assured 
 ^schines ; as Plato, m Critone; Cicero, in prima de 
 Divinatione; and Diogenes Laertius, have recorded. 
 Witness also Opilius Macrinus, to whom, being 
 desirous to know if he should be the Roman 
 emperor, befell, by chance of lot, this sentence 
 (Iliad, viii. 102) — 
 
 '"^n y4poVf ^ fid\a S^ (re v4oi reipovai /Attx'JTal, 
 2J) Sc iSi'r) \e\vTai, xaAeTriy Se ere yrjpa! oTra'fei.' 
 
 ' Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone ; 
 Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down." 
 
 In fact, he, being then old, had hardly enjoyed 
 the sovereignty of the empire for the space of 
 fourteen months, when by Heliogabulus, then both 
 young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof and 
 killed. Witness also Brutus, who, willing to learn 
 beforehand the event of the Pharsalian battle, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 147 
 
 wherein he perished, lit upon this verse, said of 
 Patroclus (Iliad, xvi. 849) — 
 
 ' Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead.' 
 
 And accordingly, Apollo was the field-word in 
 the day of that fight. Divers notable things of old 
 have likewise been foretold and known by casting 
 of Virgilian lots ; yea, in matters of no less import- 
 ance than the obtaining of the Roman empire, as 
 it happened to Alexander Severus, who, trying his 
 fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon 
 this verse (yEneid, vi. 857) — 
 
 ' Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento.' 
 ' Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign.' 
 
 He within a few years thereafter was effec- 
 tually and in earnest created Roman emperor. 
 Witness also Adrian, the Roman emperor, who, 
 being in doubt and pain to know what opinion of 
 him Trajan entertained, and what affection he 
 bore towards him, had recourse to the Sortes Vir- 
 giliance, and came upon these verses (^neid, vi. 
 809)- 
 
 ' Quis procul ille autem ramis insignis olivEe, 
 Sacra ferens ? Nosco crines, incanaque menta 
 Regis Romani.' 
 
 ' But who is he, conspicuous from afar, 
 With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear? 
 By the white hair and beard I know him plain, 
 The Roman King.' 
 
148 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, 
 and suceeded to him in the empire. 
 
 " Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy 
 emperor Claudius the Second befell this line 
 (^neid, i. 269) — 
 
 ' Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit sestas.' 
 ' Whilst the third summer saw him reign a king 
 In Latium.' 
 
 And in effect he did not reign above two years. 
 
 " To the said Claudius also, inquiring concerning 
 his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a 
 colleague with himself in the empire, happened this 
 response (.(Eneid, vi. 869) — 
 
 ' Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata,' — 
 
 ' Whom fate just let us see. 
 And would no longer suffer him to be.' 
 
 And so it fell out ; for he was killed on the 
 seventeenth day after he had attained unto the 
 management of the empire. 
 
 " The very same lot also, with the like misluck, 
 did betide the emperor Gordian the younger. 
 
 "To Clodius Albinus, being very solicitous to 
 understand somewhat of his future adventures, did 
 occur this saying (^neid, vi. 858) — 
 
 ■ Hie rem Romanam, magno turbante tumultu 
 Sistet ; eques sternet Paenos, Gallumque rebellem.' 
 
 ' The Romans boiling with tumultuous rage, 
 This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage; 
 With victories he the Carthaginian mauls. 
 And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls.' 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 149 
 
 " Likewise when the above - named emperor 
 Claudius, Aurelian's predecessor, did search after 
 the fate of his posterity, his hap was to alight on 
 this verse (^neid, i. 278) — 
 
 ' Hie ego nee metas rerum, nee tempora pono.' 
 ' No bounds are to be set, no limits here.' 
 
 Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row 
 of his race. 
 
 " When M. Pierre Amy did explore if he should 
 escape the ambush of the hobgoblins, he fell upon 
 this verse (^neid, iii. 44) — 
 
 ' Heu ! fuge erudeles terras, fuge littus avarum ! ' 
 ' Ah, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore ! ' 
 
 Thus he escaped from their hands safe and sound. 
 
 "A thousand other adventures, to narrate which 
 would be prolix, has happened according to the 
 sentence of the verses chanced upon. Neverthe- 
 less I do not infer that the lot is infallible, so that 
 you may not be abused by it." 
 
 " It would be sooner done," quoth Panurge, " and 
 more expeditely with three fair dice." 
 
 "No," replied Pantagruel — "that sort of lottery 
 is deceitful, illicit, and scandalous; never trust in 
 it. The accursed book of the Recreation of Dice 
 was a great while ago invented in Achaia near 
 Bura, b)' the Enemy of mankind, who, before the 
 statue of the Buralc Hercules, did of old, and doth 
 
ISO READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 in several places of the world, as yet, make many- 
 simple souls to err and fall into his snares. You 
 know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it 
 over all his . kingdoms and dominions ; how he 
 hath caused to burn the moulds, and altogether 
 suppressed, abolished, and cast it out of the land 
 as a very dangerous plague. 
 
 "Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some 
 measure, I am content you throw three dice upon 
 this table, that, according to the number of the pips 
 turned up, we will take the verse in that page 
 which you shall open. Have you any dice in 
 your pocket .'' " 
 
 "A whole bagful," answered Panurge. With 
 this the three dice being taken out and thrown, 
 and the cast was five, six, and five. " That makes," 
 quoth Panurge, " sixteen in all. Let us take the 
 sixteenth line of the page. The number pleases ; 
 I think that we shall have a prosperous chance.'' 
 
 " Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all," 
 quoth Pantagruel. 
 
 He had no sooner spoke these words, than the 
 works of Virgil were brought in. But before the 
 book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, 
 ' My heart beats within me like a mitten. Touch 
 my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. 
 At its frequent rise and fall you would say that 
 they belabour me after the manner of a proba- 
 tioner of the Sorbonists. But would you not hold 
 
PANTAGRUEL. ,151 
 
 it expedient, before we proceed any further, that 
 we should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian 
 goddesses, who in the chamber of lots are said 
 to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential 
 sway ? " 
 
 " Neither him nor them," answered Pantagruel ; 
 " only open up the leaves of the book with your 
 nail." 
 
 Then at the opening of the book, at the sixteenth 
 line, did Panurge encounter upon this following 
 verse (Virg. Eel., iv. 6^,) — 
 
 " Nee Deus hunc mensa, Dea nee dignata cubili est." 
 " The god him from his table banished, 
 Nor would the goddess have him in her bed." 
 
 " This response," quoth Pantagruel, " maketh 
 not very much for your benefit or advantage. 
 The goddess, whom you shall not find favourable 
 unto you, is Minerva, a most redoubtable virgin, a 
 powerful goddess. The god is Jupiter, terrible 
 and thunder-striking god. And you will notice 
 that, by the doctrine of the ancient Etruscans, 
 the manubies, for so did they call the hurling of 
 the Vulcanic thunderbolts, did only appertain 
 to her, and to Jupiter her father capital. This 
 was verified in the conflagration of the ships of 
 Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power 
 belong to any other of the Olympic gods.- Men, 
 therefore, stand not in such fear of them. More- 
 
152 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 over I will tell you, and you may take it as ex- 
 tracted from high mythology, that, when the giants 
 undertook to wage war against the gods, these at 
 first did laugh at these enemies, who were, in their 
 conceit, not strong enough to cope with their pages ; 
 but when they saw by the gigantic labour the high 
 hill Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount 
 Olympus was made shake, in order to be erected 
 on the top of both ; then did they all stand aghast. 
 
 " Then was it that Jupiter held a general chapter, 
 wherein it was unanimously resolved upon that 
 they should valiantly stand to their defence. And 
 because they had often seen battles lost by the 
 hindrances of women, it was decreed that they 
 should expel and drive out of heaven into Egypt and 
 the confines of Nile the whole crowd of goddesses, 
 disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, 
 frogs, and other suchlike transformations, only 
 Minerva was reserved to participate with Jupiter 
 in the horrific fulminating power ; as being the 
 goddess both of war and learning, of arts and 
 arms, of counsel and despatch ; a goddess armed 
 from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, in 
 the air, by sea and land." 
 
 " Ventre sus ventre ! " quoth Panurge, " should I 
 then be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons .' Nay, I 
 am neither a cripple, coiner of false money, nor 
 blacksmith, as he was. My wife possibly will be 
 as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 153 
 
 but not ribaude as she, nor I like him. For this 
 cause ought you to interpret the verse thus. This 
 lot importeth, that my wife will be honest, virtuous, 
 and faithful ; not armed, hair-brained, or extracted 
 out of brains, as was the goddess Pallas ; nor shall 
 this fair jolly Jupiter be my co-rival." 
 
 " Hold there," said Pantagruel ; " soft and fair 
 my lad ! turn over the leaves for the second time.'' 
 
 Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse — 
 
 " Membra quatit, gelidusque coi't formidine sanguis." 
 " His joints and members quake, he becomes pale, 
 And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal." 
 
 "This importeth," quoth Pantagruel, "that she 
 will well and soundly bang you back and front." 
 
 " Clean and quite contrary," answered Panurge ; 
 " it is of me that he prognosticates, in saying that 
 I will beat her like a tiger, if she vex me." 
 
 " You are very stout," says Pantagruel ; " Her- 
 cules himself durst hardly adventure to scuffle 
 with you in this your fury." 
 
 Thereafter did he hit, at the third opening of the 
 book, upon this verse — 
 
 " FcEmineo praedee, et spoliorum ardebat amore.'' 
 •■ After the spoil and pillage, as in fire. 
 He burnt with a strong feminine desire.'' 
 
 " This portendeth," quoth Pantagruel, " that she 
 will rob you ; and I see you very well fobbed ac- 
 cording to the three lots. Hence this, according to 
 
154 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 these three drawn lots, will be your future destiny, 
 — I clearly see it : your wife will be unfaithful, you 
 will be beaten, and you will be robbed." 
 
 " Nay, it is quite otherwise," quoth Panurge, 
 "for it is certain that this verse presageth that 
 she will love me with a perfect liking. Nor did 
 the satirist lie in proof hereof, when he affirmed 
 that a woman, burning with extreme affection, 
 takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her sweet- 
 heart. And what, I pray you ? A glove, a point, 
 to make him search for it. In like manner, these 
 small, debates and petty brabbling contentions, 
 which frequently we see spring up betwixt lovers, 
 are new refreshments and spurs of love. As, for 
 example, we do sometimes see cutlers hammer 
 their whetstones, therewith to sharpen their tools 
 the better. And therefore do I think, that these 
 three lots make much for my advantage. If not, I 
 appeal from their sentence." 
 
 " There is no appeal," said Pantagruel, " from 
 the decrees of fate and fortune : as is recorded by 
 our ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lid. ult. Cap. 
 de Leg. The reason hereof is, fortune doth not 
 acknowledge a superior, to whom an appeal may 
 be made from her, or any of her lots." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 THE TRIAL BY DREAMS. 
 
 155 
 
 "Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the 
 manner of expounding the Virgilian lots, let us try 
 another way of divination." 
 
 " Of what kind .? " asked Panurge. 
 
 " Of a good ancient and authentic fashion," 
 answered Pantagruel ; "it is by dreams. For in 
 dreaming, with the conditions described by Hippo- 
 crates, Plato, Plotinus, lamblicus, Sinesius, Aris- 
 totle, Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, 
 Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber, Theocritus, 
 Pliny, Athenasus, and others, the soul doth often- 
 times foresee what is to come. There is no need to 
 prove this to you at length. You may under- 
 stand it by a familiar example ; as when you see 
 that at such a time as babes, well cleaned, fed, and 
 fostered, sleep soundly, the nurses can meanwhile 
 disport themselves, and are free for the time to do 
 what they wish, their presence at the cradle being 
 unnecessary. Even just so, when our body sleeps, 
 the soul being no more necessary to it until the 
 waking, delighteth itself, and revisiteth its native 
 country, which is heaven,' where it receiveth a most 
 notable participation of its first and divine origin ; 
 and in contemplation of that infinite sphere, where- 
 of the centre is everywhere and the circumference 
 nowhere (to wit, God, according to the doctrine of 
 
156 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Hermes Trismegistus) — to whom no new thing hap- 
 peneth, whom nothing that is past escapeth, and 
 unto whom all things are alike present — it re- 
 marketh not only what is past, in inferior move- 
 ments, but withal taketh notice what is to come ; 
 then bringing these things unto the body by 
 the outward senses and exterior organs, exposing 
 them unto others, is called foreteller and prophet. 
 True it is that the soul doth not report those 
 things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by 
 reason of the imperfection and frailty of the cor- 
 poreal senses ; just as the moon, receiving light 
 from the sun, doth not communicate it unto us so 
 bright, so pure, so hot and burning as she received 
 it. Here it is requisite that a dexterous, learned, 
 skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and per- 
 emptory expounder or interpreter be pitched upon. 
 For this cause Heraclitus was wont to say, that 
 nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing 
 is by dreams concealed from us, and that only we 
 thereby have a signification and evidence of things 
 to come, either for our own good or evil fortune, 
 or for the good or evil fortune of another. 
 
 " Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the joyous 
 Aurora with the rosy fingers chaseth the dark- 
 ness of night, to apply yourself to dream pro- 
 foundly. In the meanwhile divest your mind of 
 every human passion or affection, such as are love 
 and hatred, fear and hope ; for as of old the great 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 157 
 
 vaticinator Proteus, being disguised, transformed 
 into fire, water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such- 
 like uncouth shapes, could not presage anything 
 that was to come, till he was restored to his proper 
 and kindly form, — just so man cannot receive the 
 divine gift of prophecy unless the part within him 
 which is divine — I mean the voDs, or mind — is calm, 
 peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, and not dis- 
 tracted with foreign passions and affections." 
 
 " I am content," quoth Panurge. " Must I this 
 evening eat much or little ? I do not ask this 
 without cause. For if I sup not well and amply, 
 my sleeping all night is worth nothing. I do but 
 dose and rave, and my dreams are as hollow as my 
 stomach." 
 
 " Not to sup," answered Pantagruel, " were best 
 for you, considering the constitution of your body. 
 A certain ancient prophet named Amphiaraus, 
 wished such as had a mind by dreams to be im- 
 bued with any oracles, for four-and-twenty hours 
 to taste no victuals, and to abstain from wine three 
 days together. Yet shall not you be put to such 
 a rigorous and extreme diet. I believe that a man 
 whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and 
 surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive 
 aright of spiritual things ; yet am not I of the 
 opinion of those who, after long and pertinacious 
 fastings, think by such means to enter more pro- 
 foundly into the speculation of celestial mysteries. 
 
158 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 You may very well remember how my father 
 Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) 
 hath often told us, that the writings of abstinent, 
 abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every 
 whit as saltless, jejune, and insipid as were their 
 bodies when they did compose them. Difficult it 
 is for the spirits to be serene and lively when the 
 body is in inanition ; seeing the philosophers and 
 physicians affirm, that the animal spirits spring 
 from, and have their constant practice in and 
 through, the arterial blood, refined and purified to 
 the life within the admirable net which lieth under 
 the ventricles of the brain. You shall eat good 
 pears, bon ChrMen and bergamot, one king pippin, 
 plums of Tours, and a few cherries from my 
 orchard. Nor shall you need to fear that there- 
 upon will ensue doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncer- 
 tain, as by some peripatetic philosophers hath been 
 related ; for that, say they, men do more copiously 
 in the season of harvest feed on fruitages, than any 
 other time. As for your drink, you are to have it 
 of the fair pure water of my fountain." 
 
 "The condition,'' quoth Panurge, "is very hard. 
 Nevertheless, cost what price it will, or whatsoever 
 come of it, I heartily condescend thereto ; protest- 
 ing that I shall to r morrow break my fast be- 
 times, after my dreams. Furthermore, I recom- 
 mend myself to Homer's two gates, to Morpheus, 
 to Icellon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. If 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 159 
 
 they in my need aid and succour me, I will erect 
 to them a joyous altar, composed of the softest 
 down." 
 
 Then did he thus say unto Pantagruel : "Were 
 it not expedient for my purpose to put a branch or 
 two of laurel under my pillow ? " 
 
 " There is no need at all of that," quoth Panta- 
 gruel; "it is a thing very superstitious. The cheat 
 thereof hath been discovered unto us in the writ- 
 ings of Serapion Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philo- 
 chorus, Artemon, and Fulgentius Planciades. I 
 could say as much to you of the left shoulder of a 
 crocodile, as also of a chameleon, saving our respect 
 to old Democritus ; and likewise of the stone of 
 the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the horn 
 of Ammon ; for so by the Ethiopians is termed a 
 certain precious stone, coloured like gold, and in 
 the fashion, shape, form and proportion of a ram's 
 horn, as the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported 
 to have been : they over and above assuredly 
 affirming, that the dreams of those who carry it 
 about them are no less veritable and infallible than 
 the truth of the divine oracles. By accident it is 
 that Homer iand Virgil write of the two gates of 
 dreams to which you have recommended yourself. 
 The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused, 
 doubtful, and uncertain dreams ; for through ivory, 
 how thin soever it be, we can see nothing — the 
 density and opacity hinder the penetration of the 
 
l6o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 visual rays. The other is of horn, at which an 
 entry is made to sure and certain dreams, even as 
 through horn, by reason of its diaphanous splen- 
 dour, all species appear clearly and distinctly." 
 
 At seven of the clock ori the next morning, 
 Panurge presented himself before P.antagruel, there 
 being in the chamber Epistemon, Friar John, Pono- 
 crates, Endemon, Carpalim, and others, to' whom, 
 on the appearance of Panurge, Pantagruel said, 
 " Behold our dreamer." " That is a word," said 
 Epistemon, " which once cost a great deal, 
 and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob." 
 " Then," said Panurge, " I am on good terms wkh 
 Guillot the dreamer. I have dreamed well, and 
 more than well, but I understand not one word of 
 it. Excepting only that in my dreaming I had a 
 wife, young, gallant, and perfectly fair, who treated 
 and entertained me delicately, like a little pet child. 
 Never was man more glad or more joyous. She 
 flattered me, tickled me, kissed me, embraced me, 
 and, in sport, made me two beautiful little horns 
 in the forehead. I told her, laughing, that she 
 should rather put them under my eyes, so that I 
 might the better see what I wished to strike with 
 them, in order that Momus might find in them 
 nothing imperfect or worthy of correction, as he 
 does in the position of oxen's horns. The playful 
 girl, notwithstanding my remonstrance, still con- 
 tinued to stick them on in front. Now this did me 
 
PANTAGRUEL. i6l 
 
 no hurt whatever, which is a marvellous thing. A 
 little afterwards it seemed that I was transformed, I 
 know not how, into a taBour, and she into a screech- 
 owl. Then was my slumber interrupted, and with 
 a start I awoke, angry, perplexed, and perturbed. 
 There is a little dish of dreams for you. Make 
 good cheer upon them, and tell me how you inter- 
 pret them. Let us go to breakfast. Monsieur Maitre 
 Carpalim." 
 
 " I understand," said Pantagruel, " if I have any 
 judgment in the art of divination by dreams, that 
 your wife will not make for you in reality and out- 
 ward appearance horns in your forehead such as 
 the satyrs wear ; but she will not keep faith and 
 conjugal loyalty. This point hath been clearly set 
 forth by Artemidorus, as I tell you. In the same 
 way there will be no metamorphosis of you into a 
 tabour ; but by her shall you be beaten like a tabour 
 at a wedding-feast : nor of her into a screech-owl ; 
 but she will plunder and steal from you, as is the 
 property of screech-owls. See how your dreams 
 agree with the Sortes Virgilianae : she will rob you, 
 she will beat you, she will be unfaithful." 
 
 Then cried Friar John, " He says the truth, par- 
 bieu, brother of mme. Ho ! ho ! ho ! " 
 
 " Quite the contrary," said Panurge. " My dream 
 presages that in my marriage I shall have plenty 
 of good things, with the horn of abundance. You 
 say they will be the horns of satyrs. Amen. 
 
 L 
 
l62 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Amen. Fiat Fiatur, ad differentiam pap(B. The 
 horns which my wife made for me were horns of 
 abundance and plenty ; I 'promise you that. As 
 for the rest, I shall be as joyous as a tabour at a 
 wedding, always sounding, always drumming and 
 humming. Believe me, that it is the augury of 
 happiness. My wife shall be sweet and coy as a 
 pretty little owlet — 
 
 ' Qui ne le croyt, d'enfer aille au gibet, 
 Novel nouvelet.' " 
 
 " I note," said Pantagruel, "the last point that, 
 you said, and compare it with the first. At the 
 beginning you were full of pleasure in your dream. 
 Then you awoke with a start, angry, perplexed, 
 and perturbed." 
 
 "Yea," said Panurge, "because I had had no 
 breakfast." 
 
 "All will fall into ruin, I foresee. Know for 
 truth that every slumber ending with a start, and 
 leaving the sleeper angry and vexed, either be- 
 tokeneth evil or presageth evil. 
 
 " It betokeneth evil, — that is to say, some malady, 
 malignant, pestilential, secret, latent in the body, 
 which, by sleep, which continually strengtheneth the 
 concoctive virtues, according to the theory of medi- 
 cine, would commence to declare itself and to move 
 towards the surface. At which melancholy motion 
 would be repose dissolved, and the intelligence 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 163 
 
 would be admonished to commiserate and to pro- 
 vide for it. As they say in the proverb, to irritate 
 wasps, to stir muddy water, to wake a sleeping 
 cat. 
 
 " It presageth evil, — that is to say, it giveth us to 
 understand that some mischance is prepared and 
 destined for the soul, which shall shortly take place. 
 Witness the dream and affrighted waking of 
 Hecuba ; the dream of Eurydice, wife of Orpheus, 
 — after both which dreams, Ennius said that they 
 awoke with a start and in affright. Afterwards 
 Hecuba saw her husband Priam, her children, her 
 country, killed and destroyed. And Eurydice short- 
 ly afterwards perished miserably. Witness ^neas, 
 dreaming that he spoke to Hector, then dead, and 
 shortly afterwards awoke with a start. Lo ! on 
 that same night was Troy sacked and burned. 
 Another time he dreamed that he saw his familiar 
 and household gods, and awoke in affright ; the 
 next day he endured a terrible storm at sea. Wit- 
 ness Turnus, who, being incited by a phantom of an 
 infernal Fury to make war against .^neas, awoke 
 surprised and angry, and then, after long desola- 
 tions, was killed by that very ^neas. There are 
 thousands of other examples. When I speak to 
 you of .^neas, note that Fabius Pictor says that 
 nothing was by him ever done or undertaken, 
 nothing ever happened unto him, which he had 
 not already known and foreseen by divination of 
 
l64 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 dreams. Reason is not wanting to the example ; 
 for if slumber and repose are the gift and special 
 grace of the gods, as the philosophers maintain and 
 the poet attests, when he says (Virg. ^n., ii. 368) — 
 
 ' Lors I'heure estoyt que sommeil, don des cieulx, 
 Vient aux humains fatiguez, gratieulx ; ' 
 
 such a gift cannot terminate in vexation and wrath 
 without the intimation of some great misfortune. 
 Otherwise repose would be no repose, and the gift 
 no gift. Nor would it come from the gods our 
 friends, but from the devils our enemies, according 
 to the proverb, lx6pS>v aSwpa SS>pa — the gifts of our 
 enemies are no gifts. As if the master of the 
 house, being seated at a well-served table, in good 
 appetite at the commencement of his repast, were 
 seen suddenly to spring from his seat with a start. 
 He who could not know the cause of it would be 
 astonished. But what ? He had heard his ser- 
 vants cry Fire ! his maids cry Thief ! his children 
 cry Murder ! Therefore needs must that he leave 
 his repast and run to bring remedy and order. 
 Truly I remember how cabalists interpreters of the 
 Holy Scriptures, explaining how some could with 
 discernment know the truth of angelic apparitions 
 (for often the angel of Satan represents himself as 
 the angel of light), say that the difference between 
 the two is the benevolent- and consoling angel, 
 when he appears unto man, frightens him at the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 165 
 
 beginning, and at the end consoles him, and renders 
 him contented and satisfied ; but the malign angel, 
 the seducer, at the beginning rejoices the man, and 
 leaves him in the end perturbed, vexed, and per- 
 plexed." 
 
 " The Lord," said Panurge, " keep from evil him 
 who sees well and hears no whit ! I see you very- 
 well, but I do not hear you at all, and I know not 
 what you say. The hungry stoniach hath no ears. 
 When I have well breakfasted, and am full stuffed 
 with hay and grain, then at a pinch and in case of 
 necessity I might do without dinner. But not to 
 sup ! That is error, that is a flying in the face of 
 nature. Nature made the day for exercise, for 
 labour, and for the practice every man of his voca- 
 tion ; and in order that this might be the more 
 clearly done, she furnished us with a candle — to wit, 
 the clear and joyous light of the sun. In the even- 
 ing she begins to take it away, and says to us 
 tacitly, ' Children, you are honest folk : enough 
 work, the night cometh : it behoves you to cease 
 from labour and to restore yourselves with good 
 bread, good wine, good meat ; then to rejoice your- 
 selves a little, to lie down and repose, in order the 
 next day to be fresh and cheerful for work as 
 before.' Which the good pope who first instituted 
 fasts very well understood. For he ordained that 
 the fast should continue to the hours of Nones, 
 and that for the rest of the day we should be at 
 
l66 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 liberty to take food. In times of old very few 
 people dined as monks and canons do now ; for 
 they have no other occupation, all their days are 
 holidays, and they diligently observe a claustral 
 proverb, de niissd ad mensam, and they never 
 wait longer than the arrival of the abbot before 
 sitting to table. But everybody sups, except a 
 few dotard dreamers ; whence supper is called 
 ccena — that is to say, the ' common ' meal. You 
 know it well, Friar John. Come, my friend, de par 
 tons les diables, come : my stomach barks with 
 hunger, like a dog. Let us throw into it store of 
 soup down the throat to pacify it, like the Sibyl 
 with Cerberus. You love the soup of Prime : I 
 love rather the simple soups, joined with a la- 
 bourer's piece, salted with nine lessons." 
 
 " I understand you," said Friar John. " His 
 metaphor comes from the claustral pot. The 
 labourer is the ox that labours or has laboured ; 
 by ' nine lessons ' is meant cooked to perfection. 
 For the good fathers of religion, by certain cabalis- 
 tic institutions of the ancients, not written, but 
 passed from hand to hand, when they rose and 
 went into the holy chapel, called in their enigmas 
 the claustral kitchen, devoutly begged that the beef 
 might at once be put to the fire for the breakfast 
 of the religious, brothers of our Lord. Often they 
 themselves lit the fire under the pot. Now when 
 Matins had nine lessons, they got up the earlier ; 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 167 
 
 and the greater grew their appetite and thirst at 
 the turning over of the parchment than when 
 Matins had one or three lessons only. The earlier 
 they got up the earlier went the beef to the fire. 
 
 ' Plus y estant, plus cuict restoyt, 
 Plus cuict restant, plus tendres estoyt.' 
 
 The less it used their teeth, the more it pleased 
 their palate. The less it oppressed the stomach, 
 the more it nourished the good religious. What 
 is the only end and first intention of the found- 
 ers .'' It is in contemplation of this that they 
 do not eat to live, but live to eat, and have their 
 life only in this world. Come, Panurge." 
 
 " At this moment," said Panurge, " I have un- 
 derstood thee, comrade claustral and caballic. 
 Come, Carpalim ; Friar John, my bosom friend, let 
 us go. Farewell, my lords all, I have dreamed 
 enough for drinking. Come." 
 
 Panurge had no sooner finished than Episte- 
 mon said loudly, " Common it is and a vulgar 
 thing among mortals to understand, foresee, know, 
 and predict the misfortunes of other people. But 
 oh, how rare it is to predict, know, foresee, and 
 understand one's own misfortunes ! And how 
 prudently did ^sop figure this in his fables, say- 
 ing that every man in this world at his birth bears 
 a wallet round his neck, in the front bag of which 
 are the faults and misfortunes of others, always 
 
l68 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 exposed to our view and knowledge ; and in the 
 bag behind are the faults and misfortunes of him- 
 self, and they are never known or understood by 
 any except by those who enjoy the benevolence of 
 heaven." 
 
 THE SIBYL OF PANZOUST. 
 
 A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for 
 Panurge, and said unto him, " The affection which 
 I bear you being now settled in my mind by a 
 long continuance of time, prompteth me to the 
 serious consideration of your welfare and profit. 
 Hear, therefore, what I have thought thereon. It 
 hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Croulay, 
 dwelleth a very famous sibyl, who foretells all 
 things to come. Take Epistemon for company, 
 repair towards her, and hear what she will say 
 unto you." 
 
 "She is possibly," quoth Epistemon, "a Canidia, 
 a Sagana, a Pythoness, and sorceress. What 
 makes me think so is, that the place is reported to 
 abound more with witches than ever did Thessaly. 
 I will not go thither wilHngly. The thing is un- 
 lawful, and forbidden by the law of Moses." 
 
 " We are not Jews," quoth Pantagruel, " nor is it 
 confessed nor proved that she is a witch." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 169 
 
 Their voyage was a six days' journey. On the 
 seventh whereof, was shown unto them the house 
 of the vaticinatress, standing on the top of a hill, 
 under a large and spacious chestnut-tree. Without 
 difficulty they entered into the thatched cottage, 
 badly built, badly furnished, and all besmoked. 
 " Baste ! " quoth Epistemon ; " Heraclitus, the 
 grand Scotist and darksome philosopher, was not 
 astonished on entering into such a habitation ; for 
 he did usually show forth unto his sectators and dis- 
 ciples, that here the gods made as cheerfully their 
 residence as in palaces full of delight. I believe 
 that such was the cottage of the so famous Hecate, 
 when she made a feast therein to young Theseus ; 
 and such also was the cot of Hireus, or CEnopion, 
 wherein Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not 
 ashamed to sojourn a whole night, and there to 
 take a full and hearty repast ; and officially in 
 payment of the shot forged Orion." They found 
 the ancient woman in the chimney-corner. " She 
 is," said Epistemon, " indeed a true sibyl, and the 
 true portrait by the Tprj'i Ka/juvoi of Homer." The 
 old woman was in pitiful plight, ill apparelled, ill 
 nourished, toothless, blear-eyed, crook-shouldered ; 
 she was making a green cabbage soup, with a slice 
 of yellow bacon and an old marrow-bone. " Verd et 
 bleu ! " said Epistemon, " we have failed, nor shall 
 we get from her any response at all, for we have 
 not with us the branch of gold." 
 
I/O READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " I have," quoth Panurge, " provided for that ; for 
 here I have it within my bag, in a gold ring, ac- 
 companied with fair and joyous caroluses.'' These 
 words spoken, Panurge saluted her profoundly, 
 and presented her with six neats' tongues smoked, 
 a great butter -pot full of flour, a great flagon 
 full of drink, and a purse stored with newly made 
 caroluses. At last, with a low courtesy, he put on 
 her third finger a handsome golden ring, wherein 
 was magnificently enchased a toadstone of Bresse. 
 This done, in few words did he expose unto her 
 the motive of his coming, courteously entreating 
 her to give him her counsel and a good fortune in 
 his intended marriage. 
 
 The old woman for a while remained silent, 
 pensive, and grinding her teeth ; then she sat upon 
 the bottom of a bushel, and took between her 
 hands three old spindles, which, when she had 
 turned and whirled betwixt her fingers diversely, 
 she tried their points, the sharpest whereof she 
 retained in her hand, and threw the other two 
 under a grindstone. After this she took her 
 windles, which she nine times turned : at the ninth 
 turn, without touching them any more, she con- 
 sidered the movement of the windles, and waited 
 for them to stop. 
 
 After this she pulled off" one of her pattens, put 
 her apron over her head, as the priests put on their 
 amice when they are going to sing mass, and with 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 171 
 
 an ancient party-coloured string, knit it under her 
 neck. Being thus covered and muffled, she took a 
 long draught out of the flagon, took three caro- 
 luses forth of the purse, put them into so many wal- 
 nut-shells, which she set down upon the bottom of 
 a feather-pot, and then gave three whisks of a 
 broom athwart the chimne)^, cast into the fire half 
 a fagot of heather and a branch of dry laurel. 
 She watched them burn in silence, and saw that 
 they made no kind of noise or crackling in burn- 
 ing. Hereupon she gave a' most hideous cry, 
 muttering betwixt her teeth barbarous words of 
 strange termination. 
 
 So that Panurge said to Epistemon, " Par la 
 vertus bieu ! I tremble : I think I am enchanted : 
 she speaketh not a Christian tongue. Look how 
 she seemeth to be four full spans higher than when 
 she began to hood herself with her apron. What 
 meaneth this wagging of her jaws .'' What meaneth 
 this shrugging of her shoulders .' To what end 
 does she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in 
 the dismembering of a crayfish } My ears stand 
 up like horns. I think I hear the shrieking of 
 Proserpina ; the devils will soon break loose ! O 
 the ugly beasts ! Let us fly ! Serpe Dieu ! I die 
 for fear ! I love not devils ; they vex me, and are 
 displeasing. Let us fly! Adieu, madam ; thanks 
 for your goods ! I will not marry, no. I renounce 
 it from this time forward, even as much as at pres- 
 
172 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ent." With this he began to escape out of the 
 room, but the old woman anticipated his flight, 
 holding the spindle in her hand, and went out into 
 an orchard near her house, where was an ancient 
 sycamore : she shook it thrice, and on eight leaves 
 which fell from it, she forthwith wrote short verses. 
 Then she threw them into the air and said, " Go, 
 search them if you will ; find them if you can ; the 
 fate and lot of your marriage is written thereupon." 
 They ran after the fallen leaves, and gathered 
 them at last, though not without great labour, 
 for the wind had scattered them amongst the thorn- 
 bushes of the valley. When they had ranged them 
 each after other, they found out their sentence as 
 follows : — 
 
 T'esgoussera, 
 De renom ; 
 
 Engroissera, 
 De toy non. 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE DYING. 
 
 "I never thought," said Pantagruel, "to have 
 encountered with any man so headstrong in his 
 apprehensions as I see you are. Nevertheless, the 
 better to clear your doubts, let us leave no stone 
 unturned. Take heed to what I say. The swans, 
 which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 173 
 
 but when they draw near to death, especially by 
 the Meander river of Phrygia ; so that the song of a 
 swan is the presage of his approaching death, and 
 he doth not die before he hath sung. 
 
 " After the same manner poets, who are under the 
 protection of Apollo, when they are drawing near 
 their latter end, do ordinarily become prophets, 
 and by Apolline inspiration sing vaticinating things 
 to come. It hath been likewise told me frequently, 
 that old men near their end easily divine the future. 
 I remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain 
 comedy of his, calleth old folks Sibyls. For as 
 when, being upon a pier, we see afar off mariners 
 and travellers on the high sea within their ships, we 
 consider them in silence only, and pray for them a 
 happy and prosperous arrival ; but when they ap- 
 proach the haven, then with words and gestures we 
 salute them, and congratulate them on having ar- 
 rived at the port of safety with ourselves. Just so 
 the angels, heroes, and good demons, according to 
 the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see mortals 
 drawing near the grave, as unto a very sure and 
 safe port, a port of repose and tranquillity, free 
 from troubles and earthly solicitudes ; then is it 
 that they salute them, comfort them, speak with 
 them, and begin to communicate unto them the 
 art of divination. I will not offer here the ancient 
 examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towards 
 Hector, of Hector towards Achilles, of the Rhodian 
 
174 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian 
 towards Alexander the Great, of Orodes towards 
 Mezentius, and others. It shall suffice that I com- 
 memorate the learned and valiant chevalier William 
 of Bellay, late Seigneur of Langey, who died at the 
 Hill of Tarara, the loth of January, in the climac- 
 teric year of his age, and of our supputation 1543, 
 according to the Roman account. The three or four 
 hours before his death he employed in vigorous 
 words, in tranquil and serene understanding, predict- 
 ing what we have partly seen and partly look for. 
 Howbeit his prophecies did at that time seem unto 
 us absurd and unlikely ; because there did not then 
 appear any cause or prognostic sign of what he did 
 foretell. We have here near to the town of Ville- 
 au-Maire a man who is both old and a poet — to wit, 
 Raminagrobis. I have heard that he is at the 
 article and last moment of his decease. Repair 
 thither and hear his chant. It may be that you 
 shall obtain from him what you desire, and that 
 Apollo will by his means clear your scruples." 
 
 " I am content," quoth Panurge. " Let us go 
 thither, Epistemon, instantly, lest death come upon 
 him. Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John .? " 
 
 " I will," replied Friar John, " right heartily to do 
 thee a courtesy, for I love thee with the best of my 
 liver." 
 
 Thereupon, incontinently, to the way they all 
 three went, and arriving at the poetical habitation. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 175 
 
 they found the good old man in the agony of death, 
 yet looking cheerfully, with an open countenance 
 and lively regard. Panurge, saluting him, placed 
 upon the third finger of his left hand a ring of gold, 
 in which was set an oriental sapphire, fair and large. 
 Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make an 
 oblation unto him of a fair white cock ; which was 
 no sooner set upon the tester of his bed, than that 
 with a high raised crest, he shook his feathers and 
 crowed aloud. This done, Panurge courteously in- 
 vited him to say and expound his judgment touch- 
 ing the doubts on the intended marriage. The old 
 man commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought 
 unto him. This was promptly done ; then he 
 wrote these following verses : — 
 
 " Take her, friend, or take her not : 
 If you take her, you are wise : 
 If to take her you despise, 
 Nowise worse will be your lot : 
 Gallop apace ; proceed jog-trot ; 
 Stand doubtingly; commence red-hot. 
 
 Take her, friend. 
 Starve, or empty twice the pot — 
 To do what is undone arise, 
 Or undo all that done you prize : 
 Preserve her life, or have her shot. 
 Take her, friend." ' 
 
 1 I am indebted for this translation to Mr Joseph Knight. It has 
 been printed, but not published, in the ' Recreations of the Rabelais 
 Club,' together with the less - known ballad, also by Guillaume 
 Cretin, on the same subject. 
 
176 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 These lines he gave out of his own hands unto 
 them, saying unto them, " Go, children, under the 
 care of the great God of the heavens ; and do not 
 offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with this 
 or any other business. I have this same very day, 
 which is the last both of May and of me, with a 
 great deal of labour and difficulty, chased out of 
 my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and pestilen- 
 tious beasts, black, dusk, dun, white, ash-coloured, 
 speckled, who would not permit me to die at my 
 own ease ; and by fraudulent prickings, harpy-like 
 graspings, waspish importunities, forged in the shop 
 of I know not what insatiability, they awoke me 
 out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was reposing 
 myself, contemplating, seeing, yea, already touch- 
 ing and tasting of the happiness and felicity which 
 the good God hath prepared for His faithful and 
 elect in the other life, and state of immortality. 
 Turn out of their courses, do not resemble them ; 
 molest me no more, but leave me in silence, I 
 beseech you.'' 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE ASTROLOGER. 
 
 " Truly," said Epistemon, " the case is hazardous. 
 I find myself insufficient to give you a resolu- 
 tion. I have in my brain some fancies, by means 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 177 
 
 whereof we might determine something on your 
 perplexity ; but they do not thoroughly satisfy 
 me. Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whoso- 
 ever is able to see his own Genius, may know his 
 destiny. There is yet another point. If there 
 were any authority now in the oracles of Apollo in 
 Lebadia, Delphi, Delos, Cyrrha, Patara, Tegyra, 
 Praeneste, Lycia, Colophon; of Bacchus in Dodona; 
 of Mercury at Pharse, near Patras ; of Apis in 
 Egypt ; of Serapis in Canope ; of Faunus in Men- 
 alia, and Albunea near Tivoli ; of Tiresias in Orch- 
 omenus ; of Mopsus in Cilicia ; of Orpheus in 
 Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; — I would 
 advise you, perhaps I should not advise you, to go 
 thither for their judgment concerning your enter- 
 prise. But you know that they are all of them 
 become more dumb than fishes, since the advent of 
 that Saviour King, whose coming to this world 
 hath made all oracles and prophecies to cease ; as 
 when cometh the sun's clear light vanish all gob- 
 lins, ghosts, spectres, were -wolves, and spirits of 
 darkness. Even though they were yet in continu- 
 ance, yet would not I counsel you to be too credu- 
 lous in putting any trust in their responses. Too 
 many folks have been deceived thereby. I remem- 
 ber, furthermore, how Agrippina did charge the 
 fair Lollia with the crime of having interrogated 
 the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if she 
 should be married to the Emperor Claudius ; for 
 
 M 
 
178 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 which cause she was at first banished, and there- 
 after put to an ignominious death." 
 
 " But," saith Panurge, " let us do better ; the Ogy- 
 gian Islands are not far distant from the haven 
 of St Malo. Let us, after that we shall have 
 spoken to our king, make a voyage thither. In one 
 of these, tha,t which hath its aspect toward the sun 
 setting, I have read in good and ancient authors 
 that there reside many soothsayers, prophets, and 
 diviners of things to come ; that Saturn inhabiteth 
 that place, bound with fair chains of gold, and 
 within a golden rock, being nourished with divine 
 ambrosia and nectar, which are daily transmitted to 
 him from the heavens, by I do not well know what 
 kind of fowls, — it may be that they are the same 
 ravens which in the deserts are said to have fed St 
 Paul, the first hermit, — and that he very clearly 
 foretelleth unto every one who is desirous to be 
 certified of his lot, his destiny, and what will 
 happen to him ; for the Parcse spin nothing, nor 
 doth Jupiter project or deliberate anything, which 
 the good father knoweth not to the full, even whilst 
 he is asleep. This will be a very summary abbre- 
 viation of our labour, if we but hearken unto him a 
 little upon this my perplexity." 
 
 " This is," answered Epistemon, " an abuse too 
 evident, a fable too fabulous. I will not go." 
 
 " Nevertheless," he continued, continuing his dis- 
 course, " I will tell you what you may do, if you 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 179 
 
 believe me, before we return to our king. Hard 
 by here, in Bouchart Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa. 
 You know how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, 
 chiromancy, metopomancy, and others of a like 
 stuff, he foretelleth all things to come ; let us confer 
 with him about your business." 
 
 " Of that," answered Panurge, " I know nothing. 
 Yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it so ; for 
 surely we can never learn too much." 
 
 They on the very next ensuing day came to Herr 
 Trippa's lodging. Panurge, by way of donative, 
 presented him with a long gown lined all through 
 with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with 
 a gilded hilt, in a velvet scabbard, and with fifty 
 good angels : then in a familiar and friendly way 
 did he ask of him his opinion touching the affair. 
 
 " Have you a mind," quoth Herr Trippa, " to 
 have the truth of the matter fully and amply dis- 
 closed unto you by pyromancy — by aeromancy, 
 whereof Aristophanes in his Clouds maketh great 
 estimation — by hydromancy — by lecanomancy, of 
 old , in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and 
 thoroughly tried by Hermolaus Barbarus ? By ca- 
 toptromancy, likewise held in such account by the 
 Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof 
 he ever and anon foresaw all that which at any 
 time did happen or befall unto him. Thou shalt 
 not need to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror 
 thou wilt see her as clearly as if I should show 
 
l8o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 it in the fountain of the temple of Minerva, near 
 Patras. By coscinomancy, most religiously ob- 
 served of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient 
 Romans. Let us have sieve and shears, and thou 
 shalt see devils. By alphitomancy, cried up by 
 Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy, 
 mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. By 
 astragalomancy, whereof I have the plots and 
 models all at hand ready for the purpose. By 
 tiromancy, whereof we may make proof in a 
 great Brehemont cheese, which I here keep by 
 me. By giromancy ; if thou shouldest turn round 
 circles, thou mightest assure thyself from me, that 
 they would fall always on the wrong side. By 
 sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy ad- 
 vantage, for thou hast an ill-proportioned stomach. 
 By libanomancy, for the which we shall need but 
 a little frankincense. By gastromancy, which kind 
 of ventral fatiloquency was for a long time toge- 
 ther used in Ferrara by the Lady Jacoba Rodo- 
 gina, the Engastrimythian. By cephalomancy, 
 often practised amongst the High Germans, in 
 their boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals. 
 By ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dis- 
 solved into water, thou shalt see the figure, por- 
 trait, and lively representation of thy future wife. 
 By capnomancy ; we shall lay on burning cinders 
 the seed of poppy and of sesame. O the gal- 
 lant method ! By axionomancy ; we want only a 
 
PANTAGRUEL. i8l 
 
 hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon 
 a quick fire of hot embers. O how bravely Homer 
 was versed in the practice hereof towards Pen- 
 elope's suitors ! By onymancy, for that we have 
 oil and wax. By tephramancy, thou wilt see the 
 ashes thus aloft dispersed, exhibiting thy wife. 
 By botanomancy ; for the nonce I have some few 
 leaves of sage. By sycomancy — O divine art ! — 
 in fig-tree leaves. By ichthyomancy, in ancient 
 times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias 
 and Polydamas, with the like certainty of event 
 as was tried of old at the Dina - ditch, within 
 that grove consecrated to Apollo, which is in the 
 territory of the Lycians. By choeromancy ; let 
 us have a great many hogs, and thou shalt have 
 the bladder of one of them. By cleromancy, as the 
 bean is found in the cake on the Eve of Epiphany. 
 By anthropomancy, practised by the Roman Em- 
 peror Heliogabalus. It is somewhat irksome, but 
 thou wilt endure it well enough. By sibylline 
 stichomancy ; by onomatomancy ; or else by alec- 
 tryomancy. Or, for the more certainty, will you 
 have a trial of your fortune by the art of arus- 
 piciny .■■ By extispiciny .'' By augury .' that is, 
 by the flight of wild birds. By the song of sacred 
 birds .'' By the motions of ducks when they eat ? 
 By necromancy .' I will, if you please, suddenly 
 revive some one lately deceased, as Apollonius of 
 Tyana did to Achilles, and the Pythoness in the 
 
l82 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 presence of Saul ; which body will tell us the sum 
 of all : no more nor less than, at the invocation 
 of Erictho, a certain defunct person foretold to 
 Pompey the whole progress and issue of the Phar- 
 salian battle. Or, if you be afraid of the dead, I 
 will niake use only of sciomancy." 
 
 " Go, get thee gone ! " quoth Panurge. " Why the 
 devil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an 
 emerald or other precious stone under my tongue .' 
 or to furnish myself with tongues of whoops, and 
 hearts of green frogs ? or to eat the heart and 
 liver of a dragon, to the end that I might, at the 
 chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, 
 understand my destiny, as did of old the Arabians 
 in the country of Mesopotamia.' Fifteen brace 
 of devils seize upon enchanter, witch, and sorcerer 
 of antichrist. Let us return towards our king ; I 
 am sure he will not be well pleased with us, if he 
 once come to get notice that we have been in the 
 kennel of this devil in a long gown. I repent my 
 being come hither. The devil take him ! Say 
 Amen, and let us go drink." 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE THEOLOGIAN. 
 
 No sooner were they come to the palace, but they 
 made report unto Pantagruel of their expedition. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 183 
 
 and showed him the response of Raminagrobis. 
 Pantagruel, after having read it and re-read it, 
 said — 
 
 " I have not as yet seen any answer which 
 affordeth me more contentment. He would have 
 us to understand, that every one, in the enterprise 
 of marriage, ought to be the arbiter of his proper 
 thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel. 
 Such always hath been my opinion to you, and 
 when at first you spoke thereof to me, I truly 
 told you this same very thing ; but tacitly you 
 scorned my advice, I remember, and know that 
 self-love deceives you. Let us do otherwise, and 
 that is this. Whatever we are, or have, consist- 
 eth in three things — the soul, the body, and the 
 goods. Now, for the preservation of these three, 
 there are three sorts of people. Theologians are 
 appointed for the soul, physicians for the body, 
 and lawyers for our goods. It is therefore my 
 resolution to have on Sunday next with me at 
 dinner a divine, a physician, and a lawyer. With 
 those three together, we will confer on your per- 
 plexity." 
 
 " By St Picaut," answered Panurge, " we never 
 shall do any good that way ! I see that very well 
 already. And you see yourself how the world is 
 vilely abused. We give our souls in charge to 
 theologians, who for the greater part are heretics. 
 Our bodies we commit to the physicians, who all 
 
184 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 abhor physic and never take any. And we intrust 
 our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law with 
 one another." 
 
 "You speak like a courtier," quoth Pantagruel. 
 " But the first point I deny ; for we see how good 
 theologians make it their chief business, yea, their 
 whole and sole employment, by their deeds, their 
 words, and writings, to extirpate errors and here- 
 sies out of the hearts of men, and in their stead 
 profoundly plant the true and lively Catholic faith. 
 The second point you spoke of I commend, seeing 
 how good physicians give such attention to the 
 prophylactic and preservative part of their profes- 
 sion, that they stand in no need of the curative or 
 therapeutic, by medicaments. As for the third, I 
 grant it ; for learned advocates are so much taken 
 up with their pleadings and replies in cases of other 
 people, that they have no leisure to attend to their 
 own. Therefore, on the next ensuing Sunday, let 
 the divine be Father Hippothadeus — the physician, 
 Master Rondibilis — and the legist our friend Bri- 
 doye; and I am of opinion that we should enter upon 
 the Pythagorean tetrade, and choose as a fourth 
 our ancient friend the philosopher Trouillogan — 
 especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is 
 Trouillogan, is able positively to resolve all doubts 
 you can propose. Carpalim, have you a care to 
 have them here all four on Sunday next at dinner." 
 
 "I believe," said Epistemon, "that throughout 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 185 
 
 the whole country you could not have better 
 chosen. I say this not so much in regard of the 
 perfections of each in his own vocation, which 
 are beyond all question, as for that Rondibilis is 
 married now, who before was not — Hippothadeus 
 was not before, nor is yet. Bridoye has been, but 
 is not now, and Trouillogan is, and has already 
 been before." 
 
 The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no 
 sooner made ready, than that the invited guests 
 appeared, except Bridoye, deputy - governor of 
 Fonsbeton. At the ushering in of the second 
 service, Panurge, making a low reverence, spake 
 thus : — 
 
 " Gentlemen, there is only the question of one 
 word — should I marry or no .■' If my doubt be 
 not resolved by you, I shall hold it as one of the 
 insoluble questions of philosophy : for all of you 
 are elected, chosen, and culled out, every one in his 
 own profession, like peas on a board." 
 
 The Father Hippothadeus, on the invitation of 
 Pantagruel, and with reverence to the company, 
 answered with inconceivable modesty : " My friend, 
 you ask counsel of us ; but first you must consult 
 with yourself" 
 
 " I have," replied Panurge. 
 
 " My counsel to you in that case, my friend, is 
 that you marry," quoth Hippothadeus. 
 
 "That," cried Panurge, "is spoken gallantly. 
 
1 86 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 without circumbilivaginating round the pot. Gra- 
 mercy, good father ! I shall marry now without fail, 
 and speedily. I invite you to my wedding. 
 Corfs de galine ! we shall make good cheer. You 
 shall wear my colours. I will entreat you to lead 
 up the first dance of the bridesmaids, if it may 
 please you to do me so much favour and honour. 
 There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, 
 yea, even less than nothing, whereof I humbly 
 crave your resolution. Will she be faithful, father, 
 yea or no .'' " 
 
 " Yea," answered Hippothadeus ; " if it please 
 God." 
 
 " The Lord help us now ! " cried Panurge ; 
 " whither do you drive me, good folks .? To the 
 Conditionals, which, in dialects, admit of all con- 
 tradictions and impossibilities. If my transalpine 
 mule were to fly, my transalpine mule would have 
 wings. If it please God. If this were a condition 
 which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be 
 as high as ever, nor would I despair. But you here 
 send me to God's privy council. Friends and 
 Frenchmen, which way do you take to go thither .' 
 
 " I believe, father, it will be your best not to 
 come to my marriage. The clutter and dingle- 
 dangle noise of wedding-guests would break your 
 brain. You love repose, solitude, and silence ; I 
 believe you will not come. And then you dance but 
 indifferently, and would be out of countenance at 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 187 
 
 the first entry. I will send you some fried pork 
 to your chamber, together with the bride's favour, 
 and there you may drink our health, if you 
 please." 
 
 " My friend," said Hippothadeus, " take my 
 words in good part. When I say, if it please 
 God — do I to you any wrong ? Is it an ill ex- 
 pression .■• Is it a blasphemous or scandalous con- 
 dition ? Do not we thereby honour the Lord 
 Creator, Protector, and Conserver.' Do not we 
 thereby acknowledge Him to be the sole giver of 
 all good ? Do not we thereby declare that we all 
 depend on His benignity ? and that without Him 
 nothing exists, nothing is of any value or power, 
 without the infusion of His holy grace .' Is not that 
 verily a sanctifying of His holy name .-' My friend, 
 she shall be true to you, if it please God ; nor shall 
 we need to despair of the knowledge of His good- 
 will herein, as if it were an abstruse secret, that for 
 the clear understanding thereof it were necessary 
 to consult with His privy council. The good God 
 hath done us this good, that He hath declared and 
 revealed them to us openly and plainly, and de- 
 scribed them in. the Holy Bible. There will you 
 find that your wife shall never be faithless, if you 
 make choice of one descended of honest parents, 
 and instructed in piety and virtue, — such a one as 
 hath only haunted and frequented company of 
 good manners ; one loving and fearing God, taking 
 
l88 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 delight in pleasing Him by faith and the observing 
 of His holy commandments, fearing to offend Him 
 and lose His grace by defect of faith and trans- 
 gression of His holy law, wherein strict adher- 
 ence to her husband is enjoined ; and that she is 
 to cherish, serve, and love him above anything, 
 next to God. 
 
 " Consider how the moon doth not borrow her 
 light from Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, or any other 
 planet or star in the firmament, but from her hus- 
 band only, the bright sun ; and from him receives 
 no more than he gives her by his infusion and as- 
 pect. Just so should you be a pattern and exem- 
 plar to your wife in virtue and honesty ; and you 
 must continue to implore the grace of God for 
 your protection." 
 
 " You would have me, then," said Panurge, twist- 
 ing his mustachios, " espouse the prudent woman 
 described by Solomon ? Without all donbt she is 
 dead. I never saw her that I know ; the Lord 
 forgive me ! Nevertheless I thank you, father. 
 Eat this slice of marchpane, it will help your diges- 
 tion ; then shall you drink a cup of claret hypocras, 
 which is right healthful and stomachal. Let us 
 proceed." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 189 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE PHYSICIAN. 
 
 " Therefore," he continued, " I beseech you, good 
 master Rondibilis, should I marry or not ? " 
 
 " By the amble of my mule," said Rondibilis, " I 
 know not what answer to make to this problem." 
 
 [Rondibilis learnedly points out how Panurge may dis- 
 tract his thoughts from marriage in various ways — as (i) by 
 immoderate use of wine ; (2) by cooling and lowering drugs ; 
 (3) by hard labour ; (4) by study.] 
 
 " Be pleased to contemplate the form of a man 
 earnestly set upon some study : you shall see in 
 him all the arteries of his brain are stretched like 
 the string of a cross-bow, the more dexterously to 
 furnish him with spirits, sufficient to replenish the 
 ventricles of sense, of imagination, and apprehen- 
 sion, of ratiocination and resolution, of memory 
 and remembrance ; and with great alacrity to run 
 from the one to the other, through those manifest 
 conduits in anatomy at the end of the wonderful 
 net where all the arteries terminate — which arter- 
 ies, taking their rise from the left chamber of the 
 heart, refine the vital spirits by long circuits. Nay, 
 in such a studious person, you will see suspended 
 all his natural faculties, all his exterior senses dead ; 
 in a word, you will judge him not to be his living 
 self, to be transported by ecstasy outside himself. 
 
igo READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 and you will say that Sophocles did not abuse the 
 term when he said, ' Philosophy is nothing else but 
 a meditation upon death.' This possibly is the 
 reason why Democritus blinded himself, prizing 
 at a lower rate the loss of sight than the diminu- 
 tion of his contemplations, which he frequently had 
 found disturbed by the roving of the eyes. There- 
 fore Pallas, the goddess of wisdom, the guardian 
 of students, is accounted a. virgin. Therefore the 
 Muses are esteemed virgins ; therefore remain the 
 Graces in eternal chastity. 
 
 "I remember to have read, that Cupid on a time 
 being asked of his mother Venus, why he did not 
 assault the Muses, replied, that he found them so 
 fair, so neat, so modest, so discreet, and so continu- 
 ally employed — one in the contemplation of the 
 stars, another in the supputation of numbers, another 
 in the dimension of geometrical bodies, another in 
 rhetorical invention, another in poetical composi- 
 tion, another in music — that approaching near unto 
 them he unbent his bow, shut his quiver, and ex- 
 tinguished his torch, through shame and fear that 
 he might do them some hurt. Which done, he put 
 off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound, the 
 better to look them in the face, and to hear their 
 pleasant songs and poetic odes. There took he 
 the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times 
 he was transported with their beauty and graces, 
 and charmed asleep by the harmony ; so far was 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 19 1 
 
 he from assaulting them, or interrupting their 
 studies." 
 
 [Rondibilis, however, can in no way relieve the doubt in 
 Panurge's mind. Ponocrates, during the discussion, relates 
 the following story of women's curiosity.] 
 
 " I have heard that Pope John XXII., passing 
 on a day by Fontevrault, was besought by the 
 abbess and the discreet mothers of the said con- 
 vent to grant them an indulgence, by means whereof 
 they might confess themselves to one another; 
 alleging that religious women are subject to imper- 
 fections which it is a shame insupportable for them 
 to discover to men, but that they would more 
 freely and more familiarly tell them to each other 
 under the seal of confession. ' There is not any- 
 thing,' answered the Pope, ' which I would not 
 grant you willingly ; but I find one inconvenience 
 — confession should be kept secret. You women 
 would hardly be able to do so.' ' Exceeding well,' 
 they replied, ' and much more closely than men.' 
 
 "The said Pope, therefore, gave them in keep- 
 ing a box, wherein he had caused a little linnet 
 to be put, wiUing them very courteously to lock 
 it up in sofne sure and hidden place, and promis- 
 ing them, by the faith of a Pope, to grant their 
 request if they would keep the box secret, enjoin- 
 ing them withal rigorously not to open it in any 
 way, on pain of ecclesiastical censure and eternal 
 
192 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 excommunication. The prohibition was no sooner 
 made but that they did all of them burn with 
 ardent desire to see what was within, and it seemed 
 tedious that the Pope was not already out of the 
 house so that they might begin. 
 
 " The holy father, after he had given them his 
 benediction, retired to his own lodging. But he 
 was not yet three steps without the abbey, when 
 the good ladies, all in a crowd, rushed to open the 
 forbidden box and to see what was within. 
 
 " On the next day the Pope made them another 
 visit, with the design, as they imagined, to despatch 
 the indulgence. But before he would enter into 
 any talk, he commanded the casket to be brought 
 unto him. It was brought ; but the bird was no 
 more there. Then was it that the Pope did repre- 
 sent to them that it would be too hard a thing for 
 them to conceal confessions, seeing that they were 
 not able for so short a time to keep secret a box 
 so strongly recommended to them." 
 
 [Ponocrates goes on to relate the plot of the comedy of 
 the "Dumb Wife," acted at Montpellier by Anthony Saporta, 
 Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, John Quentin, 
 Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais.] 
 
 "The good man her husband wished that she 
 could speak. She did speak, by the art of the phy- 
 sician and the surgeon, who cut an encyliglotte 
 which she had beneath her tongue. Her speech 
 recovered : she spoke so fast and so much that her 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 193 
 
 husband returned to the physician for a remedy to 
 make her dumb again. The physician replied that 
 in their art they had many ways of making women 
 speak, but none for making them silent : that the 
 only remedy was the husband's deafness against 
 this interminable talking of the wife. The fellow 
 became deaf, therefore, by virtue of some charms 
 which the doctor used. Then the physician de- 
 manding his pay, the man replied that he was deaf 
 and could not understand him. Whereupon the 
 physician threw some powder upon his back, by 
 which he became mad. Then the madman and 
 his enraged wife together beat the physician and 
 the surgeon so that they left them both half dead. 
 I never laughed so much as at this patelinage." 
 
 THE CASE OF JUDGE BRIDOYE. 
 
 [Nothing more being got from the physician, Panurge 
 consults the philosopher, but from him receives advice 
 more contradictory and involved. The philosopher evades 
 every question, and will return a direct answer to no single 
 point. As for Judge Bridoye, who is absent, the news 
 comes that he is detained by having to defend his method 
 of judgment, which, as he explains, has, during a long and 
 honourable career upon the bench, always been determined 
 by throwing the dice, after reading the pleadings and care- 
 fully weighing the evidence.] 
 
 On the day following, Pantagruel proceeded 
 to Myrelingues to attend the trial of Judge 
 
 N 
 
194 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Bridoye. At his arrival the presidents, senators, 
 and counsellors prayed him to enter with them, 
 and hear the decision of the causes and reasons 
 which Bridoye would produce, why he had pro- 
 nounced a certain sentence against one Toucher- 
 onde, which did not seem equitable to that centum- 
 viral court. Pantagruel willingly entered, and found 
 Bridoye sitting within the middle of court ; who, 
 for all his reasons and excuses, answered nothing 
 else, but that he was become old, and that his sight 
 was not so good as it had been ; instancing there- 
 withal many miseries and calamities, which old age 
 bringeth along with it, which not. per Archid. d. I. 
 Ixxxvi. c. tanta. Wherefore he was not able so 
 distinctly to discern the points of the dice as 
 formerly he had done: whence it might have hap- 
 pened, as Isaac, old and dim of sight, took Jacob 
 for Esau, so he, at the decision of the cause in 
 question, should have mistaken a " quatre for a 
 cinque, especially marking that he had used his 
 small dice. And by disposition of law, the imper- 
 fections of nature should never be imputed unto 
 any for a crime ; as appeareth, ff. de re milit. I. qui 
 cum uno. ff. de reg. Jur. I. fere. ff. de cedil. edict, per 
 totum. ff. de term. mod. I. Divus Adrianus, resolut. 
 Lud. Rom. in I. si. vera. ff. Sol. Matr. And who 
 would offer to do otherwise, should not thereby 
 accuse the man, but nature, as is evident in /. 
 maximum vitium, c. de lib. prcetor. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 195 
 
 " What dice," asked Trinquamelle, grand presi- 
 dent of the said court, " do you mean, my friend ? " 
 
 "The dice," answered Bridoye, "of judgments, 
 Aha Judiciorum, whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. 
 qu. 2. cap. sort. I. nee eniptio ff. de co?itrahend. empt. 
 I. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi BartoL, dice which 
 your worships commonly use in this your sovereign 
 court. As do all other judges in their decision of 
 cases, observing that which hath been said thereof 
 by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. 
 et I. sed cu7n ambo. ff. dejud. Ubi. Docto. that chance 
 is good, honest, profitable, and necessary for end- 
 ing of debates in suits at law. The same hath 
 more clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et 
 Alex. c. communia de leg. I. si duo.'' 
 
 " But how is it that you do these things .■' " asked 
 Trinquamelle. 
 
 " I shall very briefly," replied Bridoye, " answer 
 you, according to the doctrine and instructions of 
 Leg. ampliorem § in refutatoriis. c. de appel. ; which 
 is conformable to Gloss. I. i. ff. quod. met. causa. 
 Gaudent brevitate moderni. I do the same as your 
 worships, and as is the custom of the judicature, 
 unto which our law commandeth us to have regard ; 
 ut not. extra de consuet. c. ex Uteris et ibi innoc. For 
 having seen, reviewed, recognised, read, and read 
 again, turned and tossed over the bills of com- 
 plaint, adjournments, citations, commissions, infor- 
 mations, preparatories, productions, allegations. 
 
196 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 depositions, contradictions, requests, inquiries, re- 
 plies, duplicates, triplicates, writings, accusations, 
 grievances, denunciations, libels, certificates, letters 
 royal, compulsory, delinatory, anticipatory, evo- 
 cations, envoys, messages, conclusions, demurs, 
 appointments, reliefs, confessions, exploits, and 
 other suchlike confects and spiceries, both at the 
 one and the other side, as a good judge ought to 
 do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon. 
 Spec, de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. 
 jud. paragr. fin. et de rescriptis prcesentat. parag. i. 
 — I place on the end of the table in my closet all 
 the bags of the defendant, and then give him first 
 chance, according to the manner of your other 
 worships. And it is mentioned, /. favorahiliores ff. 
 de reg.jur. et in cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6. which 
 saith, ' cum sunt partium jura obscura, reo potius 
 favendum est quam auctori! That done, I there- 
 after lay down upon the other end of the same 
 table the bags of the plaintiff, just as you do, gentle- 
 men, visum visu; for, Opposita juxta se posita clarius 
 elucescunt : ut not. in lib. \. parag. Videamus. ff. de 
 his qui sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in I. munerum § 
 mixta ff. de mun. et hon. Then do I likeways 
 deliver him his chance." 
 
 " But," quoth Trinquamelle, " my friend, how 
 come you to know the obscurity of the rights 
 claimed by pleading parties .'' " 
 
 " Even just," quoth Bridoye, " after the fashion 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 197 
 
 of your worships : to wit, when there are many 
 bags on the one side and the other, I then used 
 my small dice, as do your worships, in obedience 
 to the law. Semper in stipulationibus ff. de reg.jur. 
 and the law versale versified, that Eod. tit. semper 
 in obscuris quod minimum est sequiviur : canonised 
 in e. in obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other large 
 dice, fair and harmonious, which I employ, as do 
 your worships, when the matter is more plain — 
 that is to say, when there are fewer bags." 
 
 " That done," asked Trinquamelle, " how do you, 
 my friend, pronounce judgment ? " 
 
 " Even as your worships do," answered Bridoye ; 
 " for I give sentence in his favour unto whom hath 
 befallen the best chance by dice, judiciary, tribu- 
 nian, pretorial. So our laws command,^ qui pot. 
 in pign. I. creditor, c. de consul, i. Et de regul. jur. in 
 6. Qui prior est tempore potior est jure." 
 
 "Yea, but," quoth Trinquamelle, " my friend, seeing 
 it is by lot and throw of the dice that you give your 
 judgments, why do not you throw this hazard on 
 the very day and hour, without any further delay, 
 the controverting pleaders appear before you ? To 
 what use can those writings serve you, those papers 
 contained in the bags of the suitors ? " 
 
 "Just as to your worships," replied Bridoye, 
 '" they serve me in three things — exquisite, requi- 
 site, and authentic. First, for formality, by omis- 
 sion whereof, whatever has been done is ren- 
 
198 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 dered useless, as is very well proved by Spec. I. 
 tit. de instr. edit, et tit. de rescript, present. Besides, 
 you know much better than I, that often, in judi- 
 cial proceedings, the formalities destroy materiali- 
 ties and substances ; for Forma mutata, mutatur 
 substantia, ff. ad. exhib I. Jidianus ff. ad. leg. fals. 
 I. si is qui quadraginta. Et extra, de decim. c. ad 
 audientiam, et de celebrat miss. c. in quadam. 
 
 " Secondly, they serve me, even as your wor- 
 ships, in lieu of honest and healthful exercise. The 
 late Master Othoman Vadare, a great physician, as 
 you would say, Cod. de Commit, et Archi. lib. 12, 
 hath frequently told me, that the lack of bodily 
 exercise is the only cause of the little health and 
 short lives of your worships and of all officers of 
 justice. Which observation was singularly well, 
 before him, noted and remarked by Bartholus in 
 /. I. c. de sent, quce pro eo quod. Therefore there 
 are, as to you, gentlemen, to me consecutively, quia 
 accessorium naturam sequitur principalis, de reg. 
 jur. I. 6. et I. cum principalis, et I. nihil doloff. eod. 
 tit. ff. de fide-jus. I. fide-jus. et extra de officio deleg. 
 cap. I. Certain honest and recreative sports al- 
 lowed, ff. de alius, et aleat. I. solent. et authent. et 
 omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff. de prcescript. verb. 
 I. si gratuitam et I. I. cod. de sped. I. II. Such also 
 is the opinion of D. Thomae, in secunda, secundce, Q. 
 I. 168, quoted to good purpose by D. Albert de 
 Ros, who fuit magnus practicus, and a solemn doc- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 199 
 
 tor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. The 
 reason is set down per gloss, in proemio ff. par ne 
 autem tertii. 
 
 ' Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis.' 
 
 " Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say, as you 
 would, gentlemen, that there is no exercise in all 
 this palatine world more aromatising than to empty 
 bags, turn over papers, quote note-books, fill pan- 
 niers, and inspect cases. Ex Bart, et Joan, de Pra. 
 in I. falsa de condit et demonst. ff. 
 
 " Thirdly, I consider, just as you do, gentlemen, 
 that time ripeneth all things, that by time every- 
 thing Cometh to be made manifest — time is the 
 father of truth. Gloss, in I. i. cod. de servit authent. 
 de res tit. et ea quce pa. et spec. tit. de requisit cons. 
 Therefore is it, that as you do, gentlemen, I defer, 
 delay, and put off the judgment, to the end that 
 the suit, being well fanned, sorted, and debated, 
 may, by succession of time, come to maturity, and 
 the lot, coming soon after, may be more patiently 
 borne by the parties condemned, as not. gl. ff. de 
 excus. tut. I. tria onera. 
 
 ' Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter.' 
 
 " On the other part, to pass sentence when the 
 action is raw, green, and at the beginning, the 
 danger would ensue of inconveniency, which the 
 physicians say befalleth to him in whom an im- 
 
20O READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 posthume is pierced before it be ripe, or unto any- 
 other whose body is purged of a hurtful humour 
 before its digestion. For as it is written, in authent. 
 hac constit. in Innoc. de consist, princip. — so is the 
 same repeated in gloss, in c. ccsterum, extra de 
 juram. calumn. Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, 
 hoc jura negotiis. Nature furthermore admonish- 
 eth and teacheth us to gather and eat fruits when 
 they are ripe. Ins tit. de rer. div. paragr. is ad quern, 
 etff. de action, empt. I. Julianus. To marry likewise 
 our daughters when they are ripe, ff. de donation, 
 inter vir. et uxor. I. cum. hie status, paragr. si quis 
 sponsam et 27 qu. I. c. sicut dicit gloss. 
 
 ' Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis 
 Virginitas.' 
 
 To do nothing but in full maturity, 23 ^. i. § ult. 
 et 23. de c. ultimo. 
 
 " For this cause," said Bridoye, continuing, "just 
 as you do, gentlemen, I temporise as you, waiting 
 for the maturity of the process and its perfection 
 in all its members — to wit, the writings and the 
 bags. Arg. in I. si major, c. commun. divid.. et de 
 cons, di I. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. A suit in law 
 at its first birth seemeth to me, as unto you, gen- 
 tlemen, shapeless and imperfect. As a bear, at its 
 birth, hath neither feet nor hands, skin, hair, nor 
 head ; it is merely a rude and shapeless lump of 
 flesh. The dam, by much licking, puts its limbs 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 20 1 
 
 into proper shape; ut not. Doct. ad. I. Aquil. I. 2. 
 in fin. Just so do I see, like yourselves, gentle- 
 men, suits of law, at their first bringing forth, to be 
 without shape and without limbs. They have noth- 
 ing but a piece or two : they are ugly creatures. 
 But when they are well piled up, packed, and put 
 in bags, we may term them duly provided with 
 limbs and shape. 
 
 " Just as yourselves, gentlemen, and in like man- 
 ner the sergeants, ushers, apparitors, bailiffs, proc- 
 tors, commissaries, advocates, inquisitors, tabellions, 
 notaries, scriveners, and village magistrates, de qui- 
 bus tit. est. I. 3. c, by sucking very much, and con- 
 tinually, the purses of the pleading parties, engen- 
 der to their lawsuits head, feet, claws, beak, teeth, 
 hands, veins, arteries, nerves, muscles, humours. 
 These are the bags, gl. de cons. d. 4. accepisti. 
 
 ' Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit' " 
 
 " Yea, but," asked Trinquamelle, " how do you 
 proceed, my friend, in criminal causes, the guilty 
 party being \.di!&e.x\ fl.agrante criniine ? " 
 
 " Just as you do, gentlemen," answered Bridoye. 
 " First, I permit and recommend the plaintiff to 
 sleep before entering upon the case. In the next 
 place, I convene him before me, to produce a suf- 
 ficient and authentic attestation of his having slept, 
 conform to the G/oss. 37, Qu. 7 c. Si quis cum. 
 
 ' Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.' 
 
202 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 This act engendereth another member. That again 
 produceth d third, as link after hnk the coat of 
 mail at length is made. At last I find the case 
 formed by informations, and perfect in all its mem- 
 bers. Then I have recourse to my dice, nor is this 
 delay by me occasioned without good reason and 
 notable experience." 
 
 With this Bridoye held his peace. Trinquamelle 
 bid him withdraw from the court, — which accord- 
 ingly was done. Then he said to Pantagruel : 
 " It is fitting, most illustrious prince, not only by 
 the obligations wherein this present Parliament, 
 together with the whole Marquisate of Myrelingues, 
 stand bound to you for infinite benefits, but for the 
 excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable 
 learning, wherewith Almighty God, the giver of all 
 good things, hath endowed you, that we tender 
 and present unto you the decision of this new, 
 strange, and paradoxical case of Bridoye, who, in 
 your presence, in your hearing and sight, hath con- 
 fessed that he gives sentence by the chance of dice. 
 Therefore do we beseech you, that you may be 
 pleased to give sentence therein as unto you shall 
 seem most just and equitable." 
 
 To this Pantagruel answered : " Gentlemen, my 
 condition is not the profession of deciding cases, as 
 you know ; yet seeing you are pleased to do me so 
 much honour, instead of undergoing the office of a 
 judge, I will become your humble supplicant. I 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 203 
 
 observe, gentlemen, in Bridoye several qualities, on 
 account of which he seems to me to deserve par- 
 don. In the first place, his old age ; secondly, his 
 simplicity ; to both which qualities you know well 
 what facility of pardon and excuse of misdoing 
 our statute and common laws grant. Thirdly, I 
 recognise another case, which in justice maketh for 
 the advantage of Bridoye — to wit, that this one 
 single fault of his ought to be abolished and swal- 
 lowed up by that immense ocean of just sentences 
 which heretofore he hath given and pronounced ; 
 and that for forty years and more hath been found 
 in him no act worthy of reprehension : as if I were 
 to throw a drop of the sea into the Loire, none 
 could perceive or say that by this single drop the 
 whole river should be salt. 
 
 " Truly, it seemeth unto me that there is I know 
 not what of God, who has ordered and made it so, 
 that in these judgments by lot all the preced- 
 ing sentences have been found good in this your 
 venerable and sovereign court. But, waiving all 
 these matters, I shall only beseech you, not by the 
 obligations which you pretend to my family, which 
 I do not acknowledge, but for that constant affec- 
 tion which you have always found in me, both on 
 this and on the other side of the Loire, for the 
 maintenance and establishment of your places and 
 dignities, that for this one time you would pardon 
 him upon these two conditions. First, that he 
 
204 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 satisfy, or promise to satisfy, the party wronged by 
 the injustice of the sentence in question : for the 
 fulfilment of this article, I will provide sufficiently. 
 And, secondly, that for assistance in his office you 
 assign unto him some virtuous counsellor, younger, 
 more learned, and wiser than he, by whose advice 
 he may henceforth moderate his judiciary pro- 
 cedures. But if you intend totally to depose him 
 from his office, I shall cordially entreat you to 
 make a present and free gift of him to me. I will 
 find in my realm charges and employments enough 
 wherewith to employ him, and to further my ser- 
 vice. In the meantime, I implore the Creator, 
 Saviour, and Giver of all good things, in His grace, 
 to preserve you all, world without end." 
 
 THE TRIAL OF THE FOOL. 
 
 [The wise men having all failed, it is now resolved to 
 make trial of Triboulet the fool.] 
 
 On the sixth day thereafter, Pantagruel was re- 
 turned home at the very same hour that Triboulet 
 was by water come from Blois. Panurge, at his 
 arrival, gave him a hog's bladder well blown out, 
 and resounding, because of the peas within it ; a 
 gilt wooden sword, a little bag made of a tortoise- 
 shell, a wicker bottle full of Breton wine, and five- 
 and-twenty Blandureau apples. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 205 
 
 Triboulet girded the sword and scrip to his side, 
 took the bladder in his hand, ate some few of the 
 apples, and drank up all the wine. Panurge 
 curiously regarded him, and said, " I never yet saw 
 a fool, and I have seen ten thousand francs' worth 
 of them, who did not willingly drink, and that by 
 long draughts." Then he exposed his business, in 
 rhetorical and eloquent terms. Before he had 
 altogether done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a 
 great blow between the shoulders, returned into 
 his hand the bottle, filliped him on the nose with 
 the hog's bladder, and for all reply said, shaking 
 and wagging his head, " Pardieu ! mad fool, ware 
 monk, Buzan^ay bagpipe ! " 
 
 These words thus finished, he slipped himself 
 out of the company, went aside, and rattled the 
 bladder, taking delight in the melodious sound of 
 the peas. After which it was not possible to draw 
 from him any single word. And when Panurge 
 would interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his 
 wooden sword, and would have struck him there- 
 with. " Here we are then," quoth Panurge. " A 
 brave determination ! He is a great fool, that is 
 not to be denied ; yet he is a greater fool who 
 brought him hither to me ; and I threefold fool 
 to impart my thoughts to him." 
 
 " That bolt," quoth Carpalim, " levels point-blank 
 at me." 
 
 " Without troubling ourselves," said Pantagruel, 
 
206 READINGS FROM RABELAIS, 
 
 " let us consider his gestures and speech. In them 
 have I remarked notable mysteries, yea, of such 
 weight, that I shall never henceforth be astonished 
 that the Turks regard such fools as musaphis and 
 prophets. Did not you take heed, before he 
 opened his mouth to speak, how he shook and 
 wagged his head ? By the doctrine of the ancient 
 philosophers, the ceremonies of the magi, and the 
 opinions of lawyers, you may judge that this 
 movement was caused by the coming and inspira- 
 tion of the fatidic spirit; which, entering briskly 
 into a small and feeble substance (for, as you know, 
 a little head containeth not much brains), was the 
 cause of that commotion. A manifest example 
 whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not 
 able to carry to their head a cup of wine without 
 a trembling of the hand. This also of old the 
 Pythian sibyl prefigured when, before replying by 
 the oracle, she shook her. domestic laurel. Even 
 Lampridius says, that the Emperor Heliogabalus, 
 in order to be reputed a seer at the festival of his 
 great idol, publicly wagged his head among his 
 fanatic priests. So also Plautus, in his Asinaria, 
 declares that Saurias went along shaking his head, 
 as if furious and out of his senses, making them 
 that saw him tremble. And in another place 
 showing that Charmides shook his head because 
 he was in a rapture. 
 
 " He says that you are a fool. And what kind 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 207 
 
 of fool ? A mad fool, who in your old age would 
 enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony. 
 He says further, ware monk. Upon mine hon- 
 our, it gives me in my mind that you will have 
 reason to ware monk. Hereby perceive how 
 much I attribute to the wise fool Triboulet. The 
 other oracles and responses did in the general 
 prognosticate that you would be betrayed, without 
 openly expressing the manner of the betrayer. 
 This the noble Triboulet tells plainly. More- 
 over, he says that you will be the bagpipe of 
 Buzan§ay. And just as he who would ask of 
 Louis Xn. for his brother the control of the salt 
 of Buzangay, asked by mistake for the bagpipe ; 
 so you, meaning to marry a woman of virtue and 
 honour, will marry one void of prudence, full of 
 pride, wrangling, ill tempered, like a bagpipe. 
 Consider, withal, how he flirted you on the nose 
 with the bladder, and gave you a blow with his 
 fist upon the back. This denotes and presageth 
 that you shall be banged, beaten, and robbed by 
 her, just as you stole the hog's bladder from the 
 little boys of Vaubreton." 
 
 " Quite the contrary," replied Panurge ; " not 
 that I would impudently exempt myself from 
 being a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold of 
 that jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess 
 it. The whole world are fools. Everybody is 
 a fool. Solomon says that infinite is the number 
 
208 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 of fools. From an infinity nothing can be de- 
 ducted, nor can anything thereto be added, as 
 Aristotle proves. Therefore were I a mad fool, 
 if, being a fool, I should not hold myself a fool. 
 But the rest of his talk and gesture maketh alto- 
 gether for me. He said to my wife, ' Ware monk,' 
 or moyne, which is the same as moineau or spar- 
 row. It is a sparrow, therefore, that she will love, 
 like Catullus's Lesbia ; a sparrow who will pick 
 up flies, and pass his time in that as joyously 
 as Domitian the fly-catcher. Further, he said 
 that she should be country-bred, and as pleasing 
 as a bagpipe of Buzan9ay. The veridical Triboulet 
 well knew my natural and internal affections. 
 For you may be assured that the gay dishevelled 
 shepherdesses, who smell of the clover-grass, please 
 me more than the ladies in magnificent courts, 
 with their rich attire and their odorous perfumes. 
 The sound of a rustic hornpipe is more agreeable 
 to my ears than the warbling of lutes, rebecs, and 
 Aulic violins. He gave me a thwack on my back 
 — what then ? Let it pass, for the love of God, as 
 an abatement of, and deduction from, future pains 
 in purgatory. He did it not out of any evil intent. 
 He thought to have hit some of the pages. He is 
 an honest fool. As for myself, I heartily pardon 
 him. He flirted me on the nose. That shall be- 
 token the little frolics betwixt my wife and me, 
 which happen to all new-married folks. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 209 
 
 " There is as yet another point which you have 
 not at all considered on ; yet it is the knot of 
 the matter. He put the bottle in my hand and 
 restored it me again. How interpret you that 
 passage ? What is the meaning of that ? " 
 
 " He possibly," quoth Pantagruel, " signifieth 
 thereby, that your wife will be a drunkard." 
 
 " Quite otherwise," said Panurge ; " for the bottle 
 was empty. I swear to you, by the backbone of 
 St Fiacre in Brie, that our wise fool Triboulet 
 referreth me to the bottle. Therefore do I renew 
 afresh the first vow which I made, and here in 
 your presence make oath by Styx and Acheron, to 
 carry still spectacles in my cap until upon the en- 
 terprise in hand I obtain an answer from the Divine 
 Bottle. I know a 'prudent gentleman, a friend of 
 mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place 
 where is its temple and oracle. He will guide us 
 thither safely. Let us go together, I beseech you. 
 I will be to you an Achates, a Damis, a com- 
 panion in the whole voyage. I have of a long 
 time known you to be a lover of peregrination, 
 desirous still to learn, and still to see. We shall 
 see wonderful things, believe me." 
 
 " Very willingly," replied Pantagruel. " But 
 before we enter upon this long journey, full of 
 hazards, full of dangers " 
 
 "What dangers?" asked Panurge, interrupting 
 him. " Dangers fly from me whithersoever I go, 
 
 O 
 
210 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 seven leagues around, as before the sovereign the 
 magistrate is eclipsed ; or as darkness vanishes at 
 the coming of the sun ; or as sicknesses did sud- 
 denly depart at the approach of the body of St 
 Martin at Quande." 
 
 " Nevertheless," said Pantagruel, " before we set 
 forward, some few points are to be expedited. First 
 let us send back Triboulet to Blois." Which was 
 instantly done, after that Pantagruel had given him 
 a frieze coat. " Secondly, we must take counsel 
 and leave of the king my father. And lastly, it is 
 most needful and expedient for us, that we search 
 for and find out some Sibyl for guide and inter- 
 preter." 
 
 To this Panurge made answer, that his friend 
 Xenomanes would abundantly suffice ; and that, 
 furthermore, in passing through Lantern - land, 
 they should take some learned and useful Lantern, 
 who would be to them in their voyage what the 
 Sibyl was to .^neas, in his descent to the Elysian 
 fields. 
 
 " I prognosticate," said Pantagruel, " that by the 
 way we shall engender no melancholy. I clearly 
 perceive it already. The only thing that vexeth 
 me is, that I do not speak the Lantern language." 
 
 " I will," answered Panurge, " speak for you all. 
 I understand it every whit as well as I do mine 
 own maternal tongue ; I have been no less used to 
 it than to the vulgar French." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 21 1 
 
 [Everything else having now been tried and failed, there 
 remains only the oracle of the Divine Bottle, which it is 
 now resolved upon consulting. " It can be reached by a 
 long and perilous voyage in unknown seas and among 
 islands little visited. The dangers of the expedition make 
 it the more attractive to Pantagruel. That great traveller, 
 Xenomanes, will act as their guide and interpreter. Episte- 
 mon, Carpalim, Eusthenes (Knowledge, Dexterity, Strength) 
 will accompany the party. An immense fleet is gathered at 
 St Malo, although at the beginning of the work we were 
 supposed to be in Dipsodie, far beyond the Cape of Good 
 Hope. The ships are laden with every kind of provision." 
 Especially there is provided good store of the marvellous 
 herb Pantagruelion or hemp.] 
 
 THE HERB PANTAGRUELION. 
 
 The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root, some- 
 what hard, roundish, terminating in an obtuse point, 
 and is never more than a cubit deep in the ground. 
 From the root thereof proceedeth the stalk, round, 
 cane-like, green without, whitish within, hollow like 
 the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and gen- 
 tian ; woody, straight, easy to be broken, notched a 
 little in form of a column lightly striated, full of 
 fibres, in which consisteth all the dignity of a herb, 
 especially in the part called mesa, as one would 
 say the mean ; and in that other, which is called 
 mylasea. Its height is commonly five or six feet. 
 Yet sometimes it doth surpass the length of a lance 
 
212 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 — namely, when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, 
 warm, wet soil, — as is Olone, and that of Rosea, 
 near Preneste in Sabinia, and that it want not for 
 rain enough about the time of the summer solstice. 
 The plant every year perisheth — not being a dura- 
 ble tree, either in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs. 
 
 From the stalk there issue forth several large 
 and great branches, whose leaves, three times as 
 long as they are broad, are always green, rough 
 like the Orcanet, or Spanish Bugloss, hard, cut 
 round about like a sickle, like betony, and ending 
 in a point like the Macedonian pike, or like a sur- 
 geon's lancet. The shape of the leaves is not 
 much different from that of the leaves of the ash- 
 tree, or of agrimony, and so much like the Eupa- 
 torium, that many skilful herbalists have called it 
 the Domestic Eupatorium, and the Eupatorium 
 Wild Pantagruelion. These leaves are at distances 
 disposed around the stalk, by number in every 
 rank either of five or seven. Nature hath so 
 highly cherished this plant, that she hath endowed 
 it in its leaves with these two odd numbers, divine 
 and mysterious. The smell thereof is somewhat 
 strong, and not pleasing to delicate noses. The 
 seed mounteth up to the top of the stalk, and a 
 little below it. 
 
 This is a numerous herb : for there is no less 
 abundance of it than of any other herb whatso- 
 ever. It is either spherical, oblong, rhomboidal. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 213 
 
 black, bright-coloured, tawny, hard, mantled with 
 a fragile coat, delicious to all singing birds, such as 
 linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, yellow- 
 hammers, and others. And although of old, 
 amongst the Greeks, there was certain kind of 
 fritters, buns, and tarts made thereof, which they 
 ate for daintiness after supper, to make the wine 
 relish the better ; yet is it of a difficult concoction, 
 injurious to the stomach, engendereth bad blood, 
 and by its exorbitant heat shocketh the brain and 
 filleth the head with grievous and noisome va- 
 pours. And as in divers plants there are two sexes, 
 male and female, which we see in laurels, palms, 
 cypresses, oaks, holms, asphodel, mandrake, fern, 
 the agaric, birthwort,turpentine,penny-royal, peony, 
 and others, even so in this herb there is a male 
 which beareth no flower at all, yet aboundeth in 
 seed, and a female which hath great store of little 
 whitish flowers ; nor doth it carry in it seed of 
 any worth at all. It hath also a larger leaf, softer 
 than that of the male, nor doth it grow to so great 
 a height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the 
 first coming of the swallows, and is to be"plucked 
 out of the ground when the grasshoppers begin to 
 be a little hoarse. 
 
 The herb Pantagruelion, under the autumnal equi- 
 nox, is prepared several ways, according. to the fancy 
 of the people and diversity of the climate. The first 
 instruction of Pantagruel was, to divest the stalk of 
 
214 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 flowers and seed, to macerate it in stagnant, not 
 running water, for five days, if the season be dry 
 and the water hot — for nine or twelve if the weather 
 be cloudy and the water cold — then to dry in the 
 sun. After this it is in the shade to be peeled ; 
 then are the fibres, wherein consisteth its virtue 
 and efficacy, to be separated from the woody part, 
 which is unprofitable, except to make a clear flame 
 to kindle the fire, and for the play of little chil- 
 dren, to blow up hogs' bladders. Some dainty 
 ones use it secretly like siphons to suck up and 
 with their breath to draw the new wine by the 
 bung. 
 
 By these means is this herb put into a way to 
 display its inestimable virtues, whereof I will dis- 
 cover a part — for to relate all is a thing impos- 
 sible to do — as soon as I have interpreted to you 
 its denomination. 
 
 I find that plants are named after several ways. 
 Some have taken the name of him who first found 
 them, knew them, showed them, sowed them, im- 
 proved them by culture, and appropriated them : 
 as the Mercurialis from Mercury ; Panacea from 
 Panace, daughter of Esculapius ; Armois from 
 Artemis, who is Diana ; Eupatorium from King 
 Eupator ; Telephion from Telephus ; Euphorbium 
 from Euphorbus, King Juba's physician ; Clymenos 
 from Clymenus ; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades ; 
 Gentian from Gentius, King of Sclavonia. And, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 215 
 
 formerly, so much was prized this prerogative of 
 giving a name to newly discovered plants, that, 
 just as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune and 
 Pallas, from which of the two the land discovered 
 by both should receive its denomination — though 
 thereafter it was called and had the appellation 
 of Athens, from Athense, which is Minerva — ^just 
 so would Lyncus, King of Scythia, have treacher- 
 ously slain the young Triptolemus, whom Ceres 
 had sent to show unto mankind the use of corn, 
 previously unknown ; to the end that, after his 
 murder, he might impose his own name, and be 
 called, in immortal honour and glory, the inventor 
 of a grain so profitable and necessary to human 
 life. For the wickedness of which treasonable 
 attempt he was by Ceres transformed into an 
 ounce. 
 
 Other herbs and plants there are, which retain 
 the names of the countries from whence they were 
 transported : as the Median apples from Media, 
 where they were first found ; Punic apples — that is 
 to say, pomegranates — from Punicia ; Ligusticum, 
 which we call Lovage, from Liguria, the coast of 
 Genoa ; Castanes, Persiques or peach-trees, Sabine, 
 Stsechas from my lies Hyeres ; Spica Celtica, and 
 others. 
 
 Others, from the admirable qualities that are 
 found in them : as Heliotropium, which is the 
 marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at 
 
2l6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 the sun rising it spreads itself out, at his ascend- 
 ing it mounteth, at his declining it waneth, and 
 when he is set it is close shut ; Adiantum, be- 
 cause, although it grow near unto watery places, 
 it will nevertheless retain no moisture ; Hierachia, 
 Eringium, and others. 
 
 Others, from the metamorphosis of men and 
 women of like name : as frorr; Daphne, the laurel 
 is called also Daphne ; Myrtle from Myrsina ; 
 Pytis from Pytis ; Cinara, which is the artichoke ; 
 Narcissus, Saffron, Smilax, and others. 
 
 Others by similitude : as Hippuris, because it 
 hath the likeness of a horse's tail; Alopecuris, 
 which is like the tail of a fox ; Psyllion, which is 
 like a flea ; Delphinium, a dolphin fish ; Bugloss, 
 an ox's tongue ; Iris, a rainbow in its flowers ; 
 Myosota, the ear of a mouse ; Coronopus, a crow's 
 foot, and others. By reciprocal denomination, the 
 Fabii take their name, d fabis, beans ; the Pisons, 
 dpisis, peas ; the Lentuli, from lentils ; the Ciceros, 
 from a sort of pulse. In some plants and herbs 
 the name hath been taken from a higher resem- 
 blance, — as when we say Venus' hair, Venus' bath, 
 Jupiter's beard, Jupiter's eye. Mars' blood. Mer- 
 cury's fingers, and others. Some, again, have re- 
 ceived their names from their forms : such as the 
 trefoil, because it is three-leaved ; Pentaphylon, for 
 having five leaves ; Serpolet, because it creepeth 
 along the ground. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 217 
 
 By such ways, the fabulous being only excepted, 
 for the Lord forbid that we should use fables in 
 this a so veritable history, is this herb called 
 Pantagruelion ; for Pantagruel was the discoverer 
 thereof I do not say of the plant itself, but of a 
 certain use which it serves for, exceeding odious 
 and hateful to thieves, unto whom it is more con- 
 trarious and hurtful than the strangle-weed and 
 choke-fitch is to the flax, than the cats-tail to the 
 brakes, sheave - grass to mowers, fitches to peas, 
 darnel to barley, hatchet-fitch to lentils, antramium 
 to beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, ferule and 
 birch to the scholars of the college of Navarre, 
 cole-wort to vine, garlic to the load-stone, onions 
 to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, yew- 
 tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolf's-bane 
 to pards and wolves, the smell of the fig-tree to 
 mad bulls, hemlock to goslings, purslane to the 
 teeth, or oil to trees. For we have seen many of 
 them, by virtue and right application of this herb, 
 finish their lives, short and long, after the manner of 
 Phyllis, Queen of Thracia ; of Bonosus, Emperor of 
 Rome ; of Amata, King Latinus's wife ; of Iphis, 
 Autolia, Lycambes, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Ache- 
 us. King of Lydia, and others ; ^ with this only dis- 
 pleased, that, without being otherwise sick, by the 
 Pantagruelion, they came on a sudden to have the 
 passage through which issue good words, and enter 
 ^ All of whom hanged themselves. 
 
2l8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 good morsels, stopped, and that more villanously 
 than could have been done by mortal quinsy. 
 
 Others we have heard, at the instant when 
 Atropos was cutting the thread of their life, that 
 Pantagruel held them by the gorge. But, well-a- 
 day ! it was not Pantagruel ; he never was an 
 executioner. It was the Pantagruelion, doing the 
 office of a rope and serving them for a cravat. I 
 swear to you here, by the good words which are 
 in that bottle, which is a-cooling below in the 
 tub, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any 
 man by the throat, except those who were careless 
 and negligent in preventing of thirst. 
 
 It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude. 
 For Pantagruel, at his birth, was no less tall than 
 this herb is long, whereof I speak unto you, — his 
 measure having been then taken the more easily 
 that he was born in the season of drought, when they 
 gather the said herb, and when the dog of Icarus, 
 with his barking at the sun, maketh the whole 
 world Troglodyte, and enforceth people everywhere 
 to hide themselves in dens and subterranean caves. 
 It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of its 
 virtues and properties. For as Pantagruel hath 
 been the idea and exemplar of all joyous perfec- 
 tion, I believe there is none of you, gentlemen 
 drinkers, that putteth any question — so in this 
 Pantagruelion have I found so many virtues, so 
 much energy, so many perfections, so many ad- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 219 
 
 mirable effects, that, if the worth thereof had been 
 known, when those trees, by the relation of the 
 prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule 
 and govern over them, it without doubt would have 
 carried away from all the rest the plurality of votes 
 and suffrages. 
 
 I shall forbear to tell you how the juice or 
 sap thereof, being poured and distilled within the 
 ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any 
 manner of putrefaction cometh to be bred there, 
 and destroyeth also any other animal that shall 
 have entered in thereat. If, likewise, you put the 
 said juice within a pail of water, you shall see the 
 water instantly grow thick, as if it were milk-curds, 
 so great is the virtue ; and the water thus curded 
 is a present remedy for horses subject to the 
 colic, and such as strike at their own flanks. 
 The root thereof well boiled mollifieth shrunken 
 nerves, contracted knuckles, and gouty joints. 
 If you would speedily heal a burning, whether 
 occasioned by water or fire, apply thereto a little 
 raw Pantagruelion — that is to say, as it cometh out 
 of the ground, without any other preparation or 
 composition ; but have a special care to change it 
 as soon as you find it waxing dry upon the sore. 
 
 Without this herb kitchens would be detested ; 
 tables abhorred, although they were covered with 
 exquisite viands ; the beds without delight, although 
 they were adorned with gold, silver, ivory, por- 
 
220 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 phyry, and the mixture of most precious metals. 
 Without it millers could neither carry wheat to 
 the mill, nor would they be able to bring back 
 flour. Without it, how could the pleadings of 
 lawyers be brought to the bar ? How could the 
 plaster be brought to the workshop without it ? 
 Without it, how should the water be drawn from 
 the well .'' Without it, what would do tabellions, 
 copyists, secretaries, and scriveners .'' Were it not 
 for this, what would become of the toll-rates and 
 rent-rolls ? Would not the noble art of printing 
 perish without it ? How should the bells be rung ? 
 All the lanific trees of the Chinese, the cotton- 
 bushes of Tyla in the Persian Sea, the Arabian 
 cotton - trees, do not clothe so many persons 
 as this one herb alone. It covers armies against 
 the cold and the rain, more commodiously than 
 formerly when they were protected by skins. It 
 shades theatres and amphitheatres from the heat 
 of a scorching sun. It begirdeth forests and groves 
 for the pleasure of hunters. It descendeth into 
 both salt and fresh water for the profit of fishers. 
 By it are boots, buskins, gamashes, shoes, pumps, 
 slippers, wrought in form and use. By it bows are 
 strung, cross-bows bended, and slings made. And, 
 as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the 
 vervain, and reverenced by ghosts and hobgoblins, 
 the bodies of deceased men are never buried with- 
 out it. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 221 
 
 I will proceed yet further. By means of this fine 
 herb, invisible substances are visibly arrested, taken, 
 detained, and, as it were, put into prison. By their 
 capture are great and heavy millstones turned easily, 
 to the wonderful profit of human life. And I am 
 astonished how the invention of this practice was 
 concealed from the ancient philosophers, consider- 
 ing the inestimable utility which proceeds from it, 
 and the immense labour which, without it, they did 
 undergo in their bakeshops. By virtue of this herb, 
 through the retention of the aerial waves, are huge 
 barges, great telamons, mighty galleons, ships with 
 a thousand and ten thousand men, launched from 
 their stations, and set agoing at the pleasure of 
 their steersman. By the help of this herb those 
 nations whom nature seemed to have kept hidden 
 from us, impermeable and unknown, are now ar- 
 rived to us, and we to them. Things which birds 
 could not do, how swift soever they had been on 
 the wing, and notwithstanding the power of swim- 
 ming through the air given them by nature. 
 Ceylon hath seen Lapland ; Java, the Riphsean 
 mountains ; Phebol shall see Thelema ; and the 
 Icelanders and Greenlanders shall see Euphrates. 
 By it Boreas hath surveyed the mansions of 
 Auster ; Eurus hath visited Zephyrus. Yea, in 
 such sort that the celestial inteUigences, the gods 
 both marine and terrestrial, thej? were frightened, 
 seeing how, by means of this blest Pantagruelion, 
 
222 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 the Arctic people looking upon the Antarctic, 
 scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, 
 pushed through the torrid zone, measured all the 
 zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, and had 
 both poles in sight, level with their horizon. 
 
 The Olympic gods, in great affright, said, " Pan- 
 tagruel hath plunged us into new and tedious 
 meditation, more than ever did the Aloides, by the 
 use and virtues of this herb. He will be shortly 
 married. By his wife he shall have children. It 
 lies not in our power to oppose this destiny ; for it 
 hath passed through the hands and spindles of the 
 Fatal Sisters, the Daughters of Necessity. By his 
 sons may be found out an herb of like energy ; by 
 the aid thereof they may contrive a way for human- 
 kind to visit the spring-head of the hail, the sluices 
 of the rain, the workshop of thunderbolts. They 
 will be able to invade the regions of the moon, 
 enter the territories of the celestial signs, and 
 there take up their abode, some at Golden Eagle, 
 some at the Ram, some at the Crown, some at the 
 Harpe, the others at the Silver Line ; sit at table 
 with us, and take our goddesses to wife, which is 
 the only way to be deified." Then they found a 
 remedy to obviate this by deliberation and counsel. 
 
 I have already related to you great and admirable 
 things ; but, if you might be induced to adventure 
 upon the hazard' of believing some other divinity 
 of this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 223 
 
 tell it you. Believe it or not, it is all one to me. 
 It is sufficient for me to have told you the truth. 
 The truth I will tell you. If you take of this celes- 
 tial Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover 
 the body of the dead, and after that you shall 
 have enwrapped it therein, and sewed up the fold- 
 ing-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw 
 it into the fire, great and ardent as you wish ; 
 the fire through this Pantagruelion will burn the 
 body and reduce to ashes the bones, and the 
 Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed 
 nor burnt, but also shall neither lose one atom 
 of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one 
 atom of the ashes from the pyre, but shall at last, 
 when taken out of the fire,- be fairer, whiter, and 
 much cleaner than when you did put it in first. 
 Therefore it is called Asbestos, which is as much 
 as to say incombustible. Great plenty is to be 
 found thereof in Carpasia, as likewise in Syene, 
 very cheap. O great thing ! O wonderful thing ! 
 The fire, which devoureth all, consumeth and de- 
 stroyeth all, cleanses, purges, and whitens this 
 sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbestos ! If you 
 mistrust this, and demand the proof of it by a 
 visible sign, like Jews and infidels, take a fresh 
 egg) 3-nd enfold it within this divine Pantagruelion. 
 When it is so wrapped up, put it into the hot 
 embers of a fire, how great or ardent soever it be. 
 Leave it there as long as you will. At last you 
 
224 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 shall take out the egg roasted hard, and as it were 
 burnt, without any alteration, change, mutation, or 
 so much" as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagru- 
 elion. For less than fifty thousand Bordelais 
 crowns sterling, reduced to the twelfth part of one 
 farthing, you will have made proof thereof 
 
 Do not compare with it the Salamander. I 
 confess that that is a fib ; a little straw fire may 
 gladden and cheer it up, yet I assure you, that in a 
 great fire it is, like any other animal, suffocated 
 and consumed. We have seen an experiment 
 thereof Galen many ages ago hath clearly de- 
 monstrated and confirmed it, lib. 3. De Tempera- 
 mentis. Do not here instance the feather alum, or 
 the wooden tower in the Piraeus, which Lucius Sylla 
 was never able to get burnt, for that Archelaus, 
 governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pon- 
 tus, had plastered it all over with the said alum. 
 Nor must you compare therewith the herb which 
 Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said that 
 it had some resemblance with that oak which bears 
 the mistletoe, and that it could neither be con- 
 sumed nor injured by fire, nor by water, no more 
 than the mistletoe ; and of this was built the re- 
 nowned ship Argos. Search where you please 
 for those that will believe it. I excuse myself 
 Neither would I wish you to parallel therewith — 
 though it is marvellous — that sort of tree which 
 groweth along the mountains of Brian9on and 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 225 
 
 Ambrun, which produceth out of its root good 
 agaric. From its body it yieldeth unto us so 
 excellent a rosin, that Galen ventures to equal it 
 with the turpentine. Upon its delicate leaves it re- 
 taineth that sweet heavenly honey which is called 
 manna ; and, although it be gummy and oily, it is 
 notwithstanding unconsumable by any fire. It 
 is in the Greek and Latin called Larix. The 
 Alpinese name is Melze. The Anternorides and 
 Venetians term it Lar^ge ; from which was named 
 that castle in Piedmont of Larignum, which de- 
 ceived Julius Cssar on going into Gaul. 
 
 Julius Caesar had commanded all the boors and 
 inhabitants of the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all 
 manner of victuals and provision for an army to 
 the stages on the military road, for the use of his 
 marching soldiery. To which ordinance all were 
 obedient, save those who were within Larignum ; 
 these, trusting in the natural strength of the place, 
 would not pay their contribution. To chastise 
 them for their refusal, the emperor caused his 
 whole army to march to the place. Before the 
 gate was erected a tower built of huge spars of the 
 Larix, bound together one upon another, after the 
 fashion of a stack of timber, carried up to such a 
 height, that from the machicoulis they could with 
 stones and levers easily drive off such as should 
 approach. 
 
 When Caesar understood that those within had 
 P 
 
226 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 no other defence than stones and clubs, and that 
 they could not hurl darts at the approaches, he 
 commanded his men to throw store of fagots and 
 fascines round about, and set them on fire. Which 
 was incontinently done. The fire put to the fagots, 
 the flame was so great and so high, that it covered 
 the whole castle, whence they thought that very 
 soon the tower would be burnt and demolished. 
 Nevertheless, when the flame ceased, and the fag- 
 ots were consumed, the tower appeared entire with- 
 out any damage. C^sar, after consideration, com- 
 manded a compass to be taken without, at the dis- 
 tance of a stone-cast from- the castle, round about 
 it ; there, with ditches and intrenchments to form 
 a blockade; thereupon the Larignans rendered them- 
 selves upon terms. And then, by relation from them, 
 Csesar learned the admirable nature of this wood, 
 which of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor 
 coal, and would therefore, in regard of that qual- 
 ity, be worthy of being admitted into the rank of 
 the true Pantagruelion ; and that so much the 
 rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the 
 gates, doors, windows, gutters, and roofs in the 
 abbey of Thelema should be all made of this timber. 
 He likewise caused to cover therewith the sterns, 
 stems, galleys, hatchets, decks, courses, and bul- 
 warks of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, 
 brigantines, foysts, and other vessels of his Thal- 
 assian arsenal; were it not that the Larix in a 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 227 
 
 great furnace, filled with the fuel of other kinds of 
 wood, Cometh at last to be corrupted and dissipated, 
 as are stones in a lime-kiln. But this Pantagruelion 
 Asbestos is rather renewed and cleansed, than con- 
 sumed or changed. 
 
 THE VOYAGE OF THE DIVE BOUTEILLE. 
 
 In the month of June, on the day of the Vestal 
 Fete, that on which Brutus conquered Spain and 
 subdued the Spaniards, that on which Crassus the 
 avaricious was routed by the Parthians, Panta- 
 gruel, taking his leave of the good Gargantua, his 
 royal father, who, according to the laudable custom 
 of the primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the 
 happy voyage of his son and his whole company, 
 took shipping at the port of Thalassa, accompanied 
 by Panurge, Friar John des Entommeures, Episte- 
 mon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotomus, Carpalim, 
 and others of his old servants, together with Xeno- 
 manes, the great voyager and traverser of perilous 
 ways, who certain days before had arrived by invi- 
 tation of Panurge. 
 
 The number of ships were such as I described 
 in the third book, convoyed by a Hke number of 
 triremes, men-of-war, galleons, and feluccas, well 
 found, well caulked, and well stored with Panta- 
 gruelion. 
 
228 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 All. the officers, interpreters, pilots, captains, 
 mates, boatswains, midshipmen, quartermasters, 
 and sailors, met on the Thalamege. Thus was 
 named Pantagruel's great and principal ship, 
 which had in her stern for ensign a large bottle, 
 half silver, well polished, the other half of gold, 
 enamelled with carnation ; whereby it was easy 
 to guess that white and red were the colours of 
 the noble travellers, and that they went in search 
 of the word of the Bottle. 
 
 On the stern of the second was a lantern of 
 antique shape, industriously made with diaphan- 
 ous stone, implying that they were to pass by 
 Lantern-land. The third ship had for her device a 
 fine deep ewer of porcelain. The fourth, a double- 
 handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. The 
 fifth, a famous can, made of sperm of emerald. 
 The sixth, a monk's bottle, made of the four 
 metals together. The seventh, a funnel of oak, 
 embossed with gold. The eighth, an ivy goblet, 
 very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth, a vase 
 of fine gold. The :tenth, a tumbler of aromatic 
 aloes wood, edged with Cyprian gold. . The elev- 
 enth, a golden grape-basket of mosaic work. The 
 twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold, covered with 
 a small vine in large Indian pearls. Insomuch 
 that there was not a man, however sad, troubled, 
 gloomy, or melancholy he were, even were he Her- 
 aclitus the weeper, but seeing this noble convoy 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 229 
 
 of ships and their devices, must have entered into 
 new gladness, smiled with a good heart, said that 
 the travellers were all honest topers, and have 
 judged, by sure prognostication, that the voyage, 
 both outward and homeward bound, would be 
 performed in mirth and perfect health. 
 
 On the Thalamege, where was the general meet- 
 ing, Pantagruel made a short but sweet exhorta- 
 tion, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture, 
 upon navigation; which being ended, with an aud- 
 ible voice prayers were said in the presence and 
 hearing of the burghers of Thalassa, who had 
 flocked to the mole to see them take shipping. 
 After the prayers was melodiously sung a psalm 
 of the holy King David, which begins, " Wkeit 
 Israel went out of Egypt ; " and that being ended, 
 tables were placed upon deck, and a feast speedily 
 served up. The Thalassians, who had also sung 
 the above-named psalm, caused store of vivers and 
 vinegar to be brought. All drank to them ; they 
 drank to all, which was the cause that none of the 
 whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor 
 were troubled with pains at the head and stomach, 
 which inconveniency they could not so easily have 
 prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt 
 water, either alone or mixed with wine, or by using 
 quinces, citron-peel, juice of pomegranates, sweet 
 or sour, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs 
 with paper, or following such other idle remedies 
 
230 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 as foolish physicians prescribe to those who go 
 to sea. 
 
 Having often renewed their tipplings, each man 
 retired on board his own ship, and then they 
 set sail with a wind at south-east, according to 
 the route laid down by the chief pilot, Jamet 
 Brayer. For seeing that the Oracle of the Holy 
 Bacbuc lay near Cathay, in Upper India, his advice, 
 and that of Xenomanes also, was not to take 
 the usual course the Portuguese use, who, pass- 
 ing over the torrid zone and the Cape of Good 
 Hope, at the south point of Africa, beyond the 
 equinoctial line, and losing sight of the north- 
 ern pole, their guide, make a prodigious long 
 voyage. But rather to follow near the parallel 
 of the said India, and to tack to the westward 
 of the said pole, so that turning under the north, 
 they might find themselves in the latitude of the 
 port of Olonne, without coming nearer it, for fear 
 of being shut up in the frozen sea ; whereas, follow- 
 ing this canonical course by the said parallel, they 
 must have that on the right to the eastward, which 
 at their departure was on their left. 
 
 This turned out incredibly profitable to them ; 
 for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of men, with 
 uninterrupted good weather, except one day near 
 the island of the Macreons, they performed, in less 
 than four months, the voyage of Upper India, 
 which the Portuguese, with a thousand incon- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 231 
 
 veniences and innumerable dangers, can hardly- 
 complete in three years. And it is my opinion, 
 with submission to better judgments, that this 
 course was perhaps steered by those Indians who 
 sailed to Germany, and were honourably received 
 by the King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellua 
 Celer was pro-consul of the Gauls, as Cornelius 
 Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them, 
 tell us. 
 
 [The first land they made was the island of Medamothy, 
 the land of Show and Ostentation. Here they see and buy 
 pictures and strange animals. Pantagruel also receives and 
 despatches letters to Gargantua. On the fifth day, having 
 again set sail, they discover a merchantman to windward, 
 and, on hailing her, find that she is full of passengers from 
 Lantern-land, whither they were going. While they were 
 listening to the news, Panurge had a quarrel with a sheep- 
 merchant of Taillebourg, named Dindenault. The quarrel, 
 which was short, being hushed up by the interposition of 
 the captain and some of the passengers, Dindenault and 
 Panurge shook hands, and drank in token of reconciliation. 
 But Panurge bore malice, and said secretly to Epistemon 
 and Friar John — ] 
 
 " Stand a little out of the way, and joyously see 
 the sport. There will be fine play." Then ad- 
 dressing himself to the drover, he took off to him 
 a bumper of good Lantern wine. The other pledged 
 him briskly and courteously. This done, Panurge 
 earnestly entreated him to sell one of his sheep. 
 
 The merchant replied, " Alas ! alas ! my friend, 
 
232 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 my neighbour, you well know how to trick poor 
 folk. Truly you are a good customer. In good 
 faith, you look more like a cutter of purses than 
 a buyer of sheep. Deu, Colas ! my son, what a 
 blessing it would be to have a full purse near you 
 at a tripe-house, when it began to thaw ! Han ! 
 han ! did not we know you well, you might serve 
 one a slippery trick ! " 
 
 " Patience," said Panurge ; " but to the point, by 
 special grace, sell me one of your sheep. Come, 
 how much .'' " 
 
 " What do you mean, master of mine .'' " an- 
 swered the other. " They are long-wooUed sheep : 
 from these did Jason take his golden fleece. The 
 order of the house of Burgundy was drawn from 
 them. They are oriental sheep, full-grown sheep, 
 sheep of quality." 
 
 " Be it so," said Panurge ; " but sell me one of 
 them, I beseech you, paying you ready money 
 upon the nail, in good and lawful coin. How 
 much .? " 
 
 " Friend, neighbour," answered the seller of mut- 
 ton, " hark ye me a little, on the other ear." 
 
 Panurge. " At your service." 
 
 Dindenault. " You are going to Lantern-land ? " 
 
 Pan. " Yea, verily." 
 
 Dind. " To see the world ? " 
 
 Pan. " Yea, verily." 
 
 Dind. " And be merry } " 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 233 
 
 Pan. " Yea, verily." 
 
 Bind. "Your name is, as I take it, Robin 
 Mutton ? " 
 
 Pan. " As you please." 
 
 Dmd. " Nay, without offence." 
 
 Pan. "So I understand it." 
 
 Bind. " You are, as I take it, the king's jester ; 
 are not you .' " 
 
 Pan. "Yea, verily." 
 
 Dind. " Give me your hand. Ha, ha ! you go to 
 see the world, you are the king's jester, your name 
 is Robin Mutton ! Look at this sheep here. His 
 name, too, is Robin. Here, Robin, Robin, Robin ! 
 Baa, baa, baa ! Hath he not a rare voice .■" " 
 
 Pan. "A very fine and harmonious voice." 
 
 Dind. " Well, this bargain shall be made between 
 you and me, friend and neighbour. You, who are 
 Robin Mutton, shall be put into this one of my 
 scales, and this other Robin Mutton into the other 
 scale. I will bet a hundred of oysters that in 
 weight, value, and price, he will outdo you high 
 and low ; in such way as you will be some day 
 suspended and hanged." 
 
 " Patience," said Panurge ; " but you would do 
 much for me, and for your posterity, if you would 
 sell him, or one of his inferiors, to me. I beg it 
 of you ; good your worship, be so kind." 
 
 " Hark ye, friend of mine," answered the other, 
 " with the fleece of these sheep is made the fine 
 
234 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Rouen cloth ; your wool of Limestre is mere flock 
 in comparison. Of their skins the best morocco 
 will be made, which shall be sold for Turkey and 
 Montelimart, or for Spanish leather at least. Of 
 the bowels shall be made fiddle and harp strings, 
 that will sell as dear as if they came from Monaco 
 or Aquileia. What do you think of it, hah ? " 
 
 " If you please, sell me one of them," said Pan- 
 urge, " and I will be yours for ever. Look, here is 
 ready cash. How much .? " This he said, exhibit- 
 ing his purse stuffed with new gold Henries. 
 
 " My friend and neighbour," answered Dinden- 
 ault, " they are meat for none but kings and 
 princes : their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and 
 so dainty, that it is balm. I bring them out of a 
 country where the very hogs live on nothing but 
 myrobalans. The sows, when they lie-in, are fed 
 only with orange-flowers." 
 
 " But," said Panurge, " drive a bargain with me 
 for one of them, and I will pay you for it like a 
 king. How much ? " 
 
 " My friend and neighbour," answered the trader, 
 " these sheep are lineally descended from the ram 
 which bore Phryxus and Helle over the sea, since 
 called the Hellespont." 
 
 " Cancre ! " cried Panurge, " you are clericus vel 
 addiscens ! " 
 
 " ltd are cabbages, and vere are leeks," answered 
 the merchant. " But rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, ho Robin, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 235 
 
 rr, rrrrrrr, you do not understand that gibberish, 
 do you ? The truth is they cost me money, that 
 they do." 
 
 " Cost what they will," cried Panurge, " trade 
 with me for one of them, if I pay you well." 
 
 " Friend and neighbour," said the merchant, 
 " consider a little the wonders of nature that are 
 found in those animals, even in a member which 
 one would think were of no use. Take me but 
 these horns, and bray them a little with an iron 
 pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, then 
 bury them wherever you will, provided it be where 
 the sun may shine, and water them frequently ; in 
 a short time you will see spring up the best 
 asparagus in the world, not even excepting those 
 of Ravenna." 
 
 " Patience," said Panurge. 
 
 " I do not know whether you be a scholar or 
 no," pursued Dindejnault. "But if you were a 
 scholar, you should know that in the most inferior 
 members of these divine animals — which are the 
 feet — there is a bone — which is the heel — the 
 astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and 
 with that of no other creature breathing, except 
 the Indian ass, and the dorcades of Libya, they 
 used in old times to play at the royal game of 
 dice, whereat Augustus the emperor won above 
 fifty thousand crowns one evening." 
 
 '' Patience," said Panurge ; " but let us despatch." 
 
236 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " And when, my friend and neighbour," continued 
 the merchant, " shall I have duly praised the inward 
 members, — the shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, 
 the neck, the breast, the liver, the spleen, the tripes, 
 the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make 
 footballs ; the ribs, which serve in Pigmy-land to 
 make little cross-bows, to pelt the cranes with 
 cherry-stones." 
 
 " Ta, ta ! " said the captain of the ship to the 
 merchant ; enough chattering. Sell him if thou 
 wilt ; if thou wilt not, play with him no longer." 
 
 " I will, for your sake," replied the merchant ; 
 "but then he shall give me three livres for each 
 pick and choose." 
 
 " It is much," cried Panurge ; " in our country I 
 could have five — nay, six — for the money : see. that 
 you do not overreach me, master. You are not the 
 first man whom I have known to have fallen, even 
 sometimes to the endangering, if not breaking, of 
 his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once." 
 
 " Quartan fevers seize thee ! " cried the merchant; 
 " the worst in this flock is four times better than 
 those which in days of yore the Coraxians in Tud- 
 itania, a country of Spain, used to sell for a gold 
 talent each ; and how much dost thou think, thou 
 fool, that a talent of gold was worth } " 
 
 " Sweet sir," said Panurge, " you fall into a pas- 
 sion, I see. Well, hold, here is your money." 
 
 Panurge, having paid his money, chose him out 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 237 
 
 of all the flock a fair great ram ; and hauled it 
 along, crying out and bleating, all the rest hearing 
 and bleating in concert, and staring to see whither 
 their brother ram should be carried. In the mean- 
 while the merchant was saying to his shepherds, 
 " Ah ! how well the knave could choose him out a 
 ram ! he has skill in cattle. On my word, I re- 
 served that ram for the Lord of Candale, well 
 knowing his disposition ; for the good man is by 
 nature joyous and gay when he holds a shoulder of 
 mutton, handsome and enticing, instead of a left- 
 handed racket, in one hand, with a good sharp 
 carver in the other. God wot, how he bestirs him- 
 self then." 
 
 I do not know how ; the thing was sudden ; I 
 had not leisure to mind it ; Panurge, without any 
 further talk, throws his ram, bleating and crying, 
 overboard into the middle of the sea. Upon this, 
 all the other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating 
 in the same tone, began to leap into the sea, one 
 after another; great was the throng who should 
 leap in first after their leader. It was impossible 
 to hinder them : for you know that it is the nature 
 of sheep always to follow the first, wheresoever it 
 goes; which makes Aristotle — lib. 9, 'De. Hist. 
 Animal.' — mark them for the most silly and foolish 
 animals in the world. The merchant, stark staring 
 mad at seeing his sheep destroy and drown them- 
 selves before his face, strove to hinder and keep them 
 
238 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 by might and main ; but in vain : all, one after the 
 other, jumped into the sea, and were lost. At last 
 he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, 
 upon the deck of the ship, hoping to keep it back, 
 and so save that and the rest ; but the ram was so 
 strong that it carried its master with it into the' sea, 
 where he was drowned, — in the same manner as 
 the sheep of one-eyed Polyphemus carried out of 
 the den Ulysses and his companions. The like 
 happened to the shepherds, laying hold on this by 
 the horns, the other by the legs, and others by the 
 fleece, who were all of them carried into the sea, 
 and miserably drowned. Panurge, standing by the 
 cook's galley, with an oar in his hand, not to help 
 the shepherds, but to keep them from climbing up 
 to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, 
 preached eloquently, setting forth by rhetorical 
 commonplaces the miseries of this world and the 
 blessings of the next, assuring them that the dead 
 are much happier than the living in this vale of 
 misery, and promising to erect a stately cenotaph 
 to every one of them on the highest summit of 
 Mount Cenis at his return from Lantern-land ; 
 wishing them, nevertheless, in case life among 
 humans was not displeasing to them, and drown- 
 ing was not to their minds, they might have the 
 good luck to meet with some whale which, on the 
 third day subsequently, might set them ashore on 
 some land of Satin, after the example of Jonah. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 239 
 
 PROCURATION LAND. 
 
 The next day we passed through Procura- 
 tion, a country all blurred and blotted. I knew 
 nothing about it. There we saw some petti- 
 foggers and catchpoles, fellows of every kind. 
 They neither invited us to eat or drink; but, with 
 a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they 
 were all at our service, for a consideration. 
 
 One of our interpreters related to Pantagruel 
 their strange way of living, diametrically opposite 
 to that of our modern Romans ; for at Rome a 
 world of folks get their livelihood by poisoning, 
 drubbing, and murdering. But the catchpoles earn 
 theirs by being thrashed ; so that if they were to 
 remain long without a beating, they, with their 
 wives and children, would be starved. 
 
 " The way is this," said the interpreter. " When 
 a monk, priest, usurer, or lawyer, owes a grudge to* 
 some neighbouring gentleman, he sends him one of 
 these catchpoles. Catchpole will cite him, will serve 
 a writ upon him, will abuse him and affront him im- 
 pudently, according to his record and instructions ; 
 insomuch that, if the gentleman hath not the palsy, 
 and is not more stupid than a tadpole, he will be 
 obliged either to apply a stick or his sword to 
 his head, or throw him out of the windows of his 
 castle. This done, catchpole is rich for four 
 
240 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 months at least, as if bastinadoes were his real har- 
 vest ; for the monk, usurer, or lawyer will pay him 
 good wages, and my gentleman damages so exces- 
 sive that he will lose all his fortune, and be in 
 danger of miserably dying in a prison, as if he had 
 struck the king." 
 
 Quoth Panurge, " I know an excellent remedy 
 against this, used by the Lord of Basch^." 
 
 " What is it ? " asked Pantagruel. 
 
 "The Lord of Basche," said Panurge, "was a 
 brave, honest, chivalrous gentleman, who, at his 
 return from the long war, in which the Duke of 
 Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravely de- 
 fended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the 
 Second, was every day cited, warned, and prose- 
 cuted, for the sport and fancy of the fat prior of St 
 Lovant. 
 
 "One morning, as he was at breakfast with 
 some of his domestics (for he was kind and debon- 
 * nair), he sent for one Loire his baker, and his 
 spouse, and with them for one Oudart, the vicar of 
 his parish, who was also his butler, as the custom 
 was then in France, and said to them, before his 
 gentleman and other servants, ' Children, you see 
 how I am daily plagued with these rascally catch- 
 poles : truly, if you do not lend me your helping 
 hand, I am finally resolved to leave the country, 
 and go fight for the sultan and all the devils. 
 Hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 24 1 
 
 you, Loire and your wife, to make your appearance 
 in my great hall, in your finest wedding-clothes, as 
 if they were betrothing you, and you were first 
 affianced. Here, take a hundred crowns of gold, 
 which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb. As 
 for you. Sir Oudart, be sure you appear in fair sur- 
 plice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as 
 if you were to wed them. Be you there also, Tru- 
 don,' said he to his drummer, 'with your pipe and 
 tabour. The form of matrimony read, and the bride 
 kissed, at the beat of tabour all of you shall give one 
 another the remembrance of the wedding, — the 
 whacks with your fists, bidding the party struck re- 
 member the nuptials by that token. But when you 
 come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him like a 
 sheaf of green rye ; do not spare him, — maul him, 
 drub him, swinge him, I pray you. Here, take 
 these little steel gauntlets, covered with kid. Give 
 him blows at random innumerable : he that gives 
 him most shall be my best friend. Fear not to be 
 called to an account about it ; I will stand by you ; 
 for the blows must seem to be given in jest, as it is 
 customary among us at all weddings.' 
 
 " ' Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole .' ' 
 asked Oudart. ' All sorts of people daily resort to 
 this dastle.' 
 
 " ' I have taken care of that,' rephed the lord. 
 ' When some fellow, either on foot or on a scurvy 
 jade, with a broad silver ring on his thumb, comes 
 
 Q 
 
242 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 to the door, he is certainly a catchpole. The por- 
 ter, having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell ; 
 then be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the 
 tragi-comedy, whose plot I have now laid for you.' 
 
 " That same day, as chance would have it, came 
 an old catchpole, fat and ruddy. Having knocked 
 at the gate, he was by the porter recognised, by 
 his great spatterdashes, his hollow-flanked mare, 
 his bag full of informations dangling at his girdle, 
 but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left 
 thumb. 
 
 " The porter was civil to him, admitted him kindly, 
 and joyously rang the bell. As soon as they heard 
 it, Loire and his wife they clapped on their fine 
 clothes, and made their appearance in the hall, 
 keeping grave mien. Oudart put on surplice and 
 stole ; and as he came out of his office met the 
 catchpole, had him in there, and gave him to 
 drink a good while, while the gauntlets were draw- 
 ing on all hands ; and then said to him, ' You 
 could not come at a better time; my lord is in 
 his right cue : we shall feast like, kings anon ; here 
 is to be swingeing doings ; we have a wedding in 
 the house ; drink, cheer up.' 
 
 "While catchpole drank, Basch^, seeing all his 
 people in the hall in proper equipage, sends for 
 Oudart. Oudart comes with the holy water, fol- 
 lowed by catchpole. He, as he came into the 
 hall did not forget to make reverence, and humbly 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 243 
 
 served Baschd with a writ. Basch6 received him 
 with the greatest affection, gave him an angel, 
 inviting him to assist at the contract and ceremony 
 — which he did. When it was ended, fisticuffs 
 began to fly about; but when it came to catchpole's 
 turn, they welcomed him with their gauntlets so 
 well, that he remained all stunned and battered — 
 one eye black, eight ribs broken, his brisket sunk in, 
 his omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in 
 three pieces ; and all this in laughing. God knows 
 how Oudart helped, hiding within the sleeve of his 
 surplice his huge gauntlet lined with ermine, for he 
 was a strong fellow. Catchpole returned to L'IsIe 
 Bouchard striped like a tiger, but well pleased and 
 edified, however, with the Seigneur du Baschd ; 
 and, with the help of the good surgeons of the 
 place, lived as long as you would have him. Since 
 when no one has spoken of him ; the memory of 
 him was lost with the sound of the bells which 
 carolled at his funeral. 
 
 " Catchpole being gone, Basche sent for his lady, 
 her women, and all his servants, into his private 
 garden ; had wine brought, attended with good 
 store of pasties, hams, fruit, and cheese; drank 
 with them joyfully, and then told them this 
 story : — 
 
 ""■"faster Francis Villon, in his old age, retired to 
 St Maxent, in Poitou, under the patronage of a 
 wealthy abbot of the place. There, to make sport 
 
244 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 for the mob, he undertook to get " The Passion " 
 acted after the way and in the Poitevin dialect. 
 The parts being distributed, the play rehearsed, 
 and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and 
 aldermen that the mystery would be ready after 
 the fair of Niort, and that there only wanted clothes 
 fit for the parts ; so the mayor and his brethren 
 undertook to get them. 
 
 ' Villon, to dress an old peasant who was to repre- 
 sent God the Father, begged of Friar Stephen Tap- 
 pecoue — sacristan to the Cordeliers of the place — 
 to lend him a cope and a stole. Tappecoue refused — 
 alleging that by the provincial statutes it was rigor- 
 ously forbidden to give or lend anything to players. 
 Villon replied that the statute only concerned farces, 
 mummeries, and dissolute games, and that this they 
 practised he had seen at Brussels and other places. 
 Tappecoue, notwithstanding, peremptorily bid him 
 provide himself elsewhere if he would, and not to 
 hope for anything out of his sacristy. Villon gave 
 an account of this to the players in great abomina- 
 tion, adding that God would shortly revenge him- 
 self and make an example of Tappecoue. 
 
 ' The Saturday following he had notice given him 
 that Tappecoue, upon the convent filly, was gone 
 en quite to St Ligarius, and would be back about 
 two in the afternoon. Knowing this, he made a 
 cavalcade of his devils of "The Passion" through 
 the town and market. They were all rigged with 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 245 
 
 wolves', calves', and rams' skins, trimmed with 
 sheep's heads, bulls' horns, and large kitchen tenter- 
 hooks, girt with broad straps; whereat hanged dang- 
 ling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a 
 horrid din. Some held in their claws black sticks full 
 of squibs ; others had long lighted pieces of wood, 
 upon which, at the corner of every street, they flung 
 whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible 
 fire and smoke. Having thus led them about, to 
 the great diversion of the mob and the dreadful 
 fear of little children, he finally carried them to 
 a banquet at a summer-house without the gate 
 that leads to St Ligarius. 
 
 ' As they came near to the place, he espied Tappe- 
 coue afar off coming home, and told them in maca- 
 ronic verse — 
 
 Hie est de patria, natus de gente belistra, 
 Qui solet antique bribas portare bisacco. 
 
 ' " Par la mort Dieu ! " said the devils then ; " he 
 would not lend for God the Father a poor cope — 
 let us fright him." 
 
 ' " Well said ! " cried Villon ; " let us hide ourselves 
 till he comes by, and then charge your squibs and 
 sticks." 
 
 'Tappecoue being come to the place, they all 
 rushed on a sudden into the road before him, and 
 in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon 
 him and his filly, ringing their bells and howling 
 
246 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 like real devils, " Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrrou rrours, 
 rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou hho, hho, hho ! 
 Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely?" 
 
 ' The filly, scared out of her senses, began to 
 shy, to trot, to bound, to gallop, to kick, and to 
 jump ; insomuch that she threw down Tappecoue, 
 though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle 
 with might and main. Now his stirrups were of 
 cord ; and on the right side his sandals were so 
 entangled and twisted, that he could not get out 
 his foot. Thus he was dragged about by the filly 
 through the road — she still multiplying her kicks 
 against him, and jumping for fear over hedge and 
 ditch, insomuch that she broke his skull, so that his 
 brains were dashed out near the Hosanna or high- 
 cross. Then his arms fell to pieces — one this way 
 and the other that way ; and even so were his legs 
 served at the same time ; so that, being got to the 
 convent, she brought back only his right foot and 
 twisted sandal. 
 
 ' Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he 
 intended, said to his devils, " You will play rarely, 
 gentlemen devils, you will play rarely, I assure 
 you. Oh, how well you will play ! I defy the 
 devilry of Saumur, Douay, Montmorillon, Langez, 
 St Espain, Angers — nay, by gad ! even those of 
 Poictiers — for all their bragging, should they be 
 compared with you. Oh, how well you will play ! " 
 ' Thus, friends,' said Basche, ' I foresee that 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 247 
 
 hereafter you will aat rarely this tragical farce, 
 since the very first time Chiquanous has by you 
 been so eloquently bethwacked, belammed, and 
 betickled. From this day I double all your 
 wages. As for you, my dear,' said he to his lady, 
 ' make your gratifications as you please ; you are 
 my treasurer, you know. For my part, first and 
 foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, it is good 
 and cool. In the second place you, my niattre 
 d' hotel, take this silver basin, I give it you. You, 
 my gentlemen of the horse, take these two silver- 
 gilt cups. You, the pages, shall not be flogged 
 for three months. My dear, let them have my 
 best white plumes of feathers with the gold 
 spangles. Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to 
 your share ; this other I give to the cooks. To 
 the valets de chambre I give this silver basket ; to 
 the grooms, this silver-gilt boat : to the porter 
 these two plates ; to the hostlers, these ten soup 
 ladles. Trudon, take you these silver spoons and 
 this sugar-box. You, footmen, take this large salt- 
 dish. Serve me well, friends, and I will remember 
 you. Par la vertus Dieu ! I had rather bear in war 
 one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of 
 our good king, than be once cited by these mastiff 
 catchpoles for the pleasure of such a fat prior.' 
 
 " Four days after, another young, tall, raw-boned 
 catchpole came to cite Basche at the fat prior's re- 
 quest. At his arrival, he was at once recognised 
 
248 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 by the porter, and the bell was rung. At the sound 
 of this, all the family understood the mystery. 
 Loire was kneading his dough ; his wife was sifting 
 meal ; Oudart was in his office ; the gentlemen 
 were playing at tennis ; the Seigneur du Basch6 
 was playing at three-hundred-and-three with my 
 lady ; the gentlewomen were playing at push-pin ; 
 the officers were playing at lanterlue : and the pages 
 were playing at ' How many fingers do I hold up ? ' 
 They were all immediately informed that catch- 
 pole was housed. 
 
 " Upon this, Oudart put on his surplice ; Loire 
 and his wife took their fine dresses ; Trudon played 
 his flute and beat his tabour. Basche went down 
 into the outward yard ; the catchpole, meeting 
 him, fell on his knees, begged of him not to take 
 it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit of the 
 fat prior ; and in an eloquent harangue set forth 
 that he was a public person — a servant of monkery, 
 apparitor to the abbatial mitre, ready to do for 
 him — nay, for the least of his servants — whatsoever 
 it would please my lord to command him. 
 
 " ' Nay, truly,' said the lord, ' you shall not serve 
 your writ till you have tasted some of my Quin- 
 quenays wine, and assisted at the wedding which 
 we are presently to have. Messire Oudart, let him 
 drink and refresh himself, and then bring him into 
 the hall. Be welcome.' 
 
 " Catchpole, well fed and well drunk, came with 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 249 
 
 Oudart to the hall, where all the actors in the farce 
 stood in order and resolute. At their entry every- 
 body began to smile. Chiquanous laughed for 
 company when Oudart had spoken the words over 
 the couple, touched their hands, kissed the bride, 
 and sprinkled the holy water. While they were 
 bringing wine and sweetmeats, thumps began to 
 trot. Catchpole gave Oudart some. Oudart, who 
 had his gauntlet hidden under his surplice, drew 
 it on like a mitten ; then began he to thwack 
 catchpole and whack catchpole ; then began a 
 shower of young gauntlets to pour upon catchpole. 
 ' The wedding ! ' they cried, — ' the wedding ! the 
 wedding ! Remember the wedding ! ' 
 
 " So well was he sorted, that the blood came out 
 of his mouth, his nose, his ears, his eyes. In the 
 end he remained with one shoulder out, broken 
 and bruised in head, neck, back, breast, arm, and 
 all. Never did the bachelors at Avignon, in 
 carnival time, play more melodiously d la Raphe 
 than was then played on catchpole. At last down 
 he fell. 
 
 " They threw wine upon his face, tied round the 
 sleeve of his doublet a fine yellow and green favour, 
 and got him upon his beast. Getting back to L'Isle 
 Bouchard, I know not whether he was dressed 
 and looked after by his spouse and the doctors 
 of the country ; for the thing never came to my 
 ears. 
 
2S0 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " The next day the same thing happened, because 
 it did not appear by the lean catchpole's bag that 
 he had served his writ. So the fat prior sent a new 
 catchpole, with two bailiffs for his safety. The 
 porter ringing the bell, the whole family was over- 
 joyed, knowing that catchpole was there. Basch^ 
 was at dinner with his lady and gentlemen ; he 
 sent for catchpole, made him sit by himself, and 
 the bailiffs by the maids, and they dined well and 
 joyously. The dessert being served, catchpole 
 arose from table, and, in the presence and hear- 
 ing of the bailiffs, cited Basch^. Basch^ kindly 
 asked him for a copy of the warrant ; it was at 
 hand ready : he then took a copy of the summons. 
 To catchpole and his bailiffs he ordered four 
 crowns to be given. In the meantime all were 
 withdrawn for the farce. Trudon began to sound 
 his tabour. Basche invited catchpole to stay and 
 see one of his servants married, and witness the 
 contract of marriage, paying him his fee. Catchpole 
 was courteous, took out his ink-horn, got paper 
 immediately, and his bailiffs by him. 
 
 " Loire came into the hall at one door, his wife 
 with the gentlewomen at another, in nuptial ac- 
 coutrements. Oudart, in surplice, took them both 
 by their hands, asked them their will, gave them 
 the matrimonial blessing, without sparing the holy 
 water. The contract was signed and registered ; 
 on one side were brought wine and comfits ; on 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 251 
 
 the other, white and orange favours ; on another, 
 gauntlets privately handed about. 
 
 " Catchpole, having tossed off a great glass of 
 Breton wine, said to Basch6, ' Pray, sir, what do 
 you mean ? Do you not give one another the 
 wedding ? Sainsainbreguoy ! all good customs 
 are forgotten. We find the form, but the hare 
 is scampered. There are no friends nowadays. 
 You see how, in some churches, the ancient 
 tippling for the blessed saints at Christmas is 
 come to nothing. The world is in its dotage. It 
 approaches its end. Now come on. The wedding ! 
 the wedding ! the wedding ! ' Thus saying, he 
 struck Basch6 and his lady ; then the bridesmaids 
 and the priest. Then the gauntlets began to do 
 their duty : insomuch that the catchpole had his 
 crown cracked in nine places. One of the bailiffs 
 had his right arm put out of joint, and the other 
 his mandibule dislocated ; so that it hid half his 
 chin, with a denudation of the uvula, and terri- 
 ble loss of the molar, masticatory, and canine 
 teeth. Then the tabour changed the music ; the 
 gauntlets were hidden, and sweetmeats afresh dis- 
 tributed with renewed mirth. They all drank to 
 one another, and especially to catchpole and his 
 bailiffs. But Oudart cursed the wedding, com- 
 plaining that one of the bailiffs had utterly disin- 
 cornifistibulated his nether shoulder-blade. Never- 
 theless, he drank to him joyously. 
 
252 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 "The demandibulated bailiff joined his hands, 
 and by signs begged his pardon ; for speak he 
 could not. Loire made his moan, that the crippled 
 bailiff had struck him so great a blow with his 
 mutton-fist on the nether elbow, that he was grown 
 quite esperruquancluzelubelouzerirelued down to 
 his very heel. 
 
 " ' But what harm had poor I done ? ' cried Tru- 
 don, hiding his left eye with his kerchief, and 
 showing his tabour cracked on one side : they 
 were not satisfied with having thus morrambpuze- 
 vezangouzequoquemorguata.sachacguevezinemaffre- 
 sseding my poor eye, but they have also broken 
 my drum. Drums indeed are commonly beaten 
 at weddings, — and it is fit they should ; but drum- 
 mers are well entertained, and never beaten. The 
 devil may put it on his head ! ' 
 
 " ' Brother,' said the lamed catchpole, ' I will 
 make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent, 
 which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy 
 drum, and for heaven's sake, I pray thee forgive 
 us. By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed dame, I 
 meant no harm.' 
 
 " ' The devil take it ! ' said Basch6 ; 'it is quite 
 right that Mr Le Roy (this was catchpole's name) 
 should thus thwack me and my wife on the back : 
 I bear him no malice ; these are little nuptial 
 caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited 
 me like an angel, and drubbed me like a devil. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 253 
 
 I drink to him, and to you likewise, gentlemen 
 bailiffs.' 
 
 " ' But,' said his wife, ' why and on what provo- 
 cation hath he been so very liberal of his manual 
 kindness to me ? I assure you, I by no means like 
 it ; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the 
 hardest knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders.' 
 
 " The mattre d'hotel held his left arm in a scarf, 
 as if it had been quite morquaquoquassated. ' I 
 think it was the devil,' said he, ' that moved me to 
 assist at these nuptials ; I have got all my arms 
 engoulevezinemassed. Do you call this a wed- 
 ding .'' This is, on my word, just another feast 
 of the Lapithse, described by the philosopher of 
 Samosata.' Catchpole spoke no more. The 
 bailiffs protested that in the thwacking they had 
 no ill intent, and prayed for pardon. So they 
 parted. Half a league from there catchpole found 
 himself somewhat out of sorts. The bailiffs got to 
 L'Isle Bouchard, publicly saying, that they had 
 never seen an honester gentleman than the Seigneur 
 of Basch^, or a more honourable house than his, 
 and that they had never been at the like wedding, 
 and all the fault belonged to themselves, because 
 they had begun the beating. So they lived I can- 
 not exactly tell you how many days after this. But 
 from that time it was held for a certain truth, that 
 Basch^'s money was more pestilential to catchpoles 
 and bailiffs than were formerly the aurum Tholo- 
 
254 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 sanum and the Sejan horse to those that possessed 
 them. Ever after the Seigneur lived quietly, and 
 Basche's wedding grew into a common proverb." 
 
 Friar John, after this, went on shore, put his 
 hand in his fob, and took out twenty crowns ; then 
 said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a great 
 crowd of catchpoles, " Who will earn twenty ducats, 
 for being beaten like the devil ? " " lo ! lo ! lo ! " 
 cried they all ; " you will cripple us for ever, sir, 
 that is most certain ; but the pay is good." Then 
 ran they all who should be first to be so preciously 
 beaten. Friar John singled out of the whole troop 
 a red-nosed catchpole, who upon his right thumb 
 wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein was set a 
 large toad-stone. He had no sooner picked him 
 out but I perceived that they all murmured ; and 
 I heard a tall, young, thin catchpole, a notable 
 clerk, and, according to public report, an honest 
 man in the ecclesiastical court, making his com- 
 plaint, because this red-nose carried away all the 
 practice ; and that if in all the country there were 
 but thirty bastinadoes to be got, he would pocket 
 eight-and-twenty and a half. But all these com- 
 plaints were nothing but envy. 
 
 Friar John so drubbed Red-snout, back and front, 
 legs and arms, head, and all, with blows of his stick, 
 that I took him to be a dead man : then he gave 
 him the twenty crowns. And the rogue up again, 
 as glad as a king or two. The rest were saying 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 255 
 
 to Friar John, " Sir, brother devil, if it please you 
 to beat some of us for less money, we are all at 
 your command, Monsieur the Devil. We are 
 yours, bags, papers, pens, and all." Red-nose 
 cried out against them, saying with a loud voice, 
 " FSte-dieu, rascals ! will you meddle in my market .'' 
 would you take away my customers? Take notice, 
 I summon you before the official a huyctaine, mire- 
 laridaine ; I will law and claw you like a devil 
 of Vauverd." Then turning towards Friar John, 
 with a smiling and joyful look, he said to him, 
 " Reverend father in the devil, sir, if you have 
 found me good stuff, and it pleases you to take 
 your pleasure again by beating me, I will content 
 myself with half the just price. Do not spare me, 
 I beseech you ; I am all, and more than all yours. 
 Monsieur the Devil : head, lungs, and all ; and 
 with a good will, I assure you." Friar John inter- 
 rupted his talk and left him. The other catchpoles 
 were making addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, 
 Gymnast, and others, entreating devoutly to be 
 beaten by them at a low price, for otherwise they 
 were in danger of keeping a long fast; but none of 
 them would. 
 
2S6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 THE GREAT STORM. 
 
 The next day we espied to starboard a bark, 
 laden with monks, Jacobins, Jesuits, Capuchins, 
 Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, Egnatins, Celestins, 
 Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Min- 
 ims, and other holy monks and friars, who were 
 going to the Council of Chesil, to garble articles of 
 faith against the new heretics. Panurge was over- 
 joyed to see them, being most certain of good luck 
 for that day, and a long train of others. And hav- 
 ing courteously saluted the blessed fathers, and re- 
 commended the salvation of his soul to their devout 
 prayers and private ejaculations, he caused seventy- 
 eight dozen of hams, a number of pots of caviare, 
 tens of sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and two 
 thousand fine angels, for the souls of the dead, to 
 to be thrown on board their ships. Pantagruel, 
 melancholic, remained all pensive. Friar John 
 perceived it, and asked him whence came this un- 
 usual sadness ; when the master, observing the 
 fluttering of the pennon above the poop, and fore- 
 seeing a tyrannical squall and fresh gale, called all 
 hands on deck, officers, sailors, cabin-boys, and 
 even the passengers — made them take in a sail 
 and make all snug. Suddenly the sea began to 
 swell and rage from the lowest deeps. Great 
 waves broke upon the ship's quarter. The north- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 257 
 
 east wind, accompanied by a frightful hurricane, 
 with black waterspouts, terrible whirlwinds, mortal 
 gusts, whistled through our shrouds. Above us the 
 heavens thundered, lightened, rained, hailed : the 
 air lost its transparency, became opaque, dark, and 
 obscure, so that no more light appeared but light- 
 ning ; with flashing and breaking of flaming clouds ; 
 impetuous winds whirled and raged around us, with 
 thunder and forked flashes ; the aspect of the sky 
 was lost and perturbed, the horrific typhoons rolled 
 up the mountainous waves of the flood. Believe me, 
 it seemed to us to be the ancient chaos, in which 
 were fire, air, sea, earth, all the elements in refrac- 
 tory confusion. Panurge having plentifully fed the 
 fish, sat on the deck in a heap, cast down and half 
 dead ; invoked to his aid all the blessed saints, pro- 
 mised to confess in time and place convenient, and 
 then cried out in aff"right, " Steward, ho ! my friend, 
 my father, my uncle, let us have a piece of pow- 
 dered beef; we shall drink but too much anon, for 
 aught I see. Eat little, but drink well, will here- 
 after be my motto. Would to our Lord, and to 
 our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, 
 I say, this very instant, on terra firma at mine 
 ease. O thrice and four times happy those that 
 plant cabbages ! O Destinies, why did you not 
 spin me for a cabbage-planter.' O how few are 
 there to whom Jupiter hath been so favourable, as 
 to predestinate them to plant cabbages ! They 
 
25 8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS, 
 
 have always one foot on the ground, and the other 
 not far from it. Dispute of felicity and sovereign 
 good, for my part, whosoever plants cabbages, is, by 
 my decree, proclaimed most happy ; for as good a 
 reason as the philosopher Pyrrho, being in the same 
 danger, and seeing a hog near the shore, eating 
 oats in plenty, declared it happy in two respects ; 
 first, because it had plenty of oats, and secondly, 
 that it was on shore. Ha, for a divine and seig- 
 neurial manor, commend me to the cow-house. 
 
 " This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour ! 
 O my friends ! a little vinegar. I sweat again with 
 mere agony, Alas ! the sail is split, the yards are 
 gone, the maintop-mast plunges into the sea, the 
 keel is up to the sun, our shrouds are broken. All 
 is verlooren ! Alas ! who shall have this wreck .' 
 Friend, lend me here behind you one of these 
 handrails. Your lantern is fallen, my lads. Alas ! 
 do not let go the main tack nor the bowlin. I 
 hear the block crack ; is it broke } For the Lord's 
 sake, let us save the hull, and let the rigging go. 
 Bebebe, bous, bous, bous. Look to the needle of 
 your compass, I beseech you, master pilot, and tell 
 us, if you can, whence comes this storm. Bou, 
 bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. Bou, 
 bou, bou, bou. Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, 
 bou, ou, ou, ou, bou, bou, bous. I sink, I am 
 drowned, I die, good people, I die." 
 
 Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 259 
 
 great God, the Preserver, and prayed publicly 
 with fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice held 
 tightly the mast of the ship. Friar John had 
 stripped himself to his waistcoat, to help the sea- 
 men. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as 
 much. Panurge alone sat upon deck, weeping and 
 lamenting. Friar John espied him going on the 
 quarter-deck, and said to him, " Pardieii ! Panurge 
 the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, 
 you would do much better to lend us a hand, than 
 to lie howling like a cow." 
 
 " Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous," returned Panurge ; 
 " Friar John, my friend, my good father, I am 
 drowning, my friend ! I drown ! I am a dead man, 
 my spiritual father, I am a dead man, my friend. 
 Ah ! my father, my uncle, my all. The water is 
 got into my shoes by the collar ; bous, bous, bous, 
 paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown ! 
 Alas ! alas ! Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, 
 bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, 
 ^las ! alas ! Now I make the forked tree, my feet 
 above, my head below. Would to heaven I were 
 now aboard the bark of those good and blessed 
 fathers bound for the council, whom we met this 
 morning, so godly, so fat, so joyous, so plump, and 
 comely. Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas ! This 
 wave of all the devils {mea culpa, Deus), I mean 
 this wave of God, will sink our vessel. Alas ! 
 Friar John, my father, my friend, confession. 
 
26o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Here I am on my knees ; confiteor; your holy 
 blessing." 
 
 " Come hither, and help us," said Friar ; " in the 
 name of thirty legions of devils, come ; will you 
 come .' " 
 
 " Do not let us swear at this time," said Panurge ; 
 " holy father, my friend ; to-morrow as much as 
 you please. Holos, holos, alas, our ship leaks ! I 
 drown, alas, alas ! I will give eighteen hundred 
 thousand crowns to any one that will set me on 
 shore. Confiteor, alas ! a word or two of testament 
 or codicil at least." 
 
 " A thousand devils," cried Friar John, " seize the 
 body of this fellow! Art thou talking of mak- 
 ing thy will, now we are in danger, and it be- 
 hoveth us to bestir ourselves now or never .? Wilt 
 thou come, ho devil .? We are, par la vertus Dieu, 
 besped now, our light is out. This is hastening to 
 all the millions of devils." 
 
 "Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, 
 alas ! " said Panurge, " was it here we were born to 
 perish .? Oh ! ho ! good people, I drown, I die. 
 Consummatum est. It is all over with me." 
 
 " Magna, gna, gna" said Friar John. " Fie upon 
 him. Boy, see hoy. Mind the pumps. Hast 
 thou hurt thyself .? Zoons ! here fasten it to one 
 of these blocks. On this side, in the devil's name, 
 hay — so my boy." 
 
 "Ah, Friar John," said Panurge, "spiritual 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 261 
 
 father, dear friend, do not let us swear. You sin. 
 Alas ! alas ! be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, 
 my friends. I pardon all the world. Farewell, in 
 manus. Bous, bous, bouou-ouous. St Michael of 
 Aure ! St Nicolas ! now or never, I here make you 
 a solemn vow, that if you stand by me this time, 
 I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, 
 I will build you a fine large little chapel or two. 
 
 ' Entre Quande et Monssoreau, 
 Et n'y paistra vache ny veau.' 
 
 Oh, ho, oh, ho. More than eighteen pailfuls or 
 two are got down my gullet ; bous, bhous, bhous, 
 bhous, how bitter and salt it is ! " 
 
 ''Par la vertus" said Friar John, "of blood, 
 flesh, head, if I hear thee again howling, I will 
 maul thee worse than any sea-wolf. Why do not 
 we throw him overboard to the bottom of the sea .? 
 Here, sailor ! ho, honest fellow ! Thus, thus, my 
 friend, hold fast above. In truth here is good 
 lightning and thunder ; I think that all the devils 
 are got loose ; or Proserpine is in labour : all the 
 devils dance a morrice." 
 
 " Oh," said Panurge, " you sin, Friar John, my 
 former crony; former, I say, for at this time I am 
 no more, you are no more. It goes against my 
 heart to tell it you : for I believe this swearing doth 
 your spleen a great deal of good, as it is a great 
 ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow ; 
 
262 READINGS FROM RABELAIS, 
 
 and as one who plays at nine-pins is wonderfully 
 helped, if, when he hath not thrown his bowl right, 
 and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious 
 stander-by leans and screws his body half-way 
 about on that side which the bowl should have 
 took to hit the pin. Nevertheless, you sin, my 
 sweet friend." 
 
 "He dotes," said Friar John, "the poor devil. 
 Lend us a hand. Here, to larboard. Here 
 mate, my lad, hold fast, till I have made a 
 double knot. O brave boy ! Hold, brother Pono- 
 crates, you will hurt yourself, man. Epistemon, 
 pray thee stand off out of the hatchway. Methinks 
 I saw the thunder fall there but just now. Con the 
 ship, so ho ! Vertus Dieu, what is that "i the bows 
 are staved in. I think all the legions of devils hold 
 here their provincial chapter, or are wrangling for 
 the election of a new rector. Starboard ; well said. 
 Take heed ; have a care of your noddle, lad, in the 
 devil's name. So ho, starboard, starboard." 
 
 "Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous," cried Panurge, 
 " bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. I 
 see neither heaven nor earth ; of the four elements 
 we have here only fire and water left. Bou, bou, 
 bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were the pleasure 
 of the worthy divine bounty, that I were at this 
 present hour in the close at Senilis, or at In- 
 nocent's, the pastry-cook, over against the painted 
 cave at Chinon, though I were to strip to my 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 263 
 
 doublet, and bake the petti-pasties myself. Friar 
 John damns himself. Oh what a good friend I 
 lose in him ! Alas, alas ! this is another bout than 
 last year's. We are falling out of Scylla into Cha- 
 rybdis. Oho, I drown. Confiteor ; one poor word 
 or two by way of testament, Friar John, my father. 
 Alas ! I drown; two words of testament here upon 
 this ladder." 
 
 " To make one's last will," said Epistemon, " at 
 this time that we ought to bestir ourselves and 
 help our seamen, on the penalty of shipwreck, 
 seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as 
 that of some of Caesar's men, who, at their coming 
 into Gaul, were mightily busied in making wills 
 and codicils, bemoaned their fortune, and the 
 absence of their spouses and friends at Rome, 
 when it was absolutely necessary for them to run 
 to their arms, and use their utmost strength 
 against Ariovistus, their enemy. It is a folly like 
 that of the carter who, having laid his waggon fast 
 in a slough, went upon his knees and called upon 
 Hercules to help him, but neither goaded on his 
 oxen, nor put his shoulder to the wheel. What 
 will it signify to make your will now .-' for either 
 we shall come off or drown for it. If we escape, it 
 will not signify a straw to us ; for testaments are of 
 no value or authority, but by the death of the tes- 
 tators. If we are drowned, will it not be drowned 
 too } Who will transmit it to the executors .? " 
 
264 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " Some kind wave will throw it ashore, like 
 Ulysses," replied Panurge ; " and some king's 
 daughter, going to fetch a walk on the evening, 
 will find it, and take care to have it proved and 
 executed ; and on the shore will have a magnifi- 
 cent cenotaph erected, as Dido had for her hus- 
 band Sichseus ; ^neas to Deiphobus, upon the 
 Trojan shore, near Rhoete ; Andromache to Hec- 
 tor, in the city of Buthrotus ; Aristotle to Hermias 
 and Eubulus ; the Athenians to the poet Euri- 
 pides ; the Romans to Drusus, in Germany, and 
 to Alexander Severus, their emperor, in Gaul ; 
 Argentier to Callaischre ; Xenocrates to Lysid- 
 ices ; Timares to his son Teleutagoras ; Eupolis 
 and Aristodice to their son Theotimus ; Onestes 
 to Timocles ; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son of 
 Dioclides ; Catullus to his brother ; Statins to his 
 father ; Germain of Brie to Herv6, the Breton 
 sailor." 
 
 " Art thou mad ? " asked Friar John. " Help, 
 here, in the name of five hundred thousand mil- 
 lions of cart-loads of devils." 
 
 Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad ex- 
 clamation, saying, with a loud voice, " Lord save 
 us, we perish ; yet not as we would have it, but 
 Thy holy will be done." 
 
 " The Lord and the blessed Virgin be with us," 
 said Panurge. " Holos, alas, I drown ! be be be bous, 
 be bous, bous : in manus. Good heavens, send me 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 265 
 
 some dolphin to carry me safe on shore, like a 
 pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound 
 the harp, if it be not unstrung." 
 
 " Let nineteen legions of black devils seize me," 
 said Friar John. ("The Lord be with us," said 
 Panurge.) 
 
 " If I come down to thee, I will show thee to 
 some purpose." 
 
 " Land ! land ! " cried Pantagruel. " I see land ! 
 Pluck up, boys, we are not far from a port. I see 
 the sky clearing up to the northwards ; steer to 
 the south-east ! " 
 
 " Courage, my hearts," said the pilot ; " the sea 
 is smoother. Hands aloft to the main-top. Put 
 the helm a-weather. Steady ! steady ! Haul, 
 haul, haul ! Thus, thus, and no nearer. Clear 
 your sheets ; clear your bowhnes ; port, port. 
 Helm a-lee. Luff, luff; keep her full, luff the 
 helm. Luff." 
 
 " Luff it is," answered the steersman. 
 
 "Keep her thus. Steady, steady." 
 
 " That is well said," said Friar John. " Come, 
 come, come children, be nimble." 
 
 " Luff, luff. Helm a-weather." 
 
 " Methinks," said Friar John, " the storm begins 
 to lessen and to finish, the Lord be thanked. Our 
 devils begin to scamper." 
 
 " Cheer up, my mates," cried Epistemon ; " I see 
 already Castor on the right." 
 
266 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " Be, be, bous, bous, bous," said Panurge ; " I am 
 much afraid it is Helen, the meteor of storm." 
 
 "It is truly Mixarchagevas " (Castor), returned 
 Epistemon, " if thou likest better the denomination 
 of the Argives. Ho ! ho ! I see land too. Let 
 her bear in with the harbour ; I see a good many- 
 people on the beach ; I see a light on a lighthouse." 
 
 "St John," said Panurge, "this is spoken well. 
 O the sweet word ! " 
 
 " Mgna, mgna, mgna," said Friar John ; " if ever 
 thou taste a drop of it, let the devil taste me. 
 Here, honest soul, here is a tankard of the very 
 best. Bring the flagons : dost hear, Gymnast .' 
 and that same large pasty jambic, or gammonic. 
 Take heed you pilot her in right." 
 
 " Cheer up," cried out Pantagruel ; " cheer up, 
 my boys ; let us be courteous. Do you see yonder 
 two skiffs, three sloops, five ships, four gondolas, 
 and six frigates, sent by the good people of the 
 neighbouring island to our relief? But who is 
 this Ucalegon below, who thus cries and bemoans 
 himself? Were it not that I hold the mast firmly 
 with both my hands, and keep it straighter than 
 two hundred tacklings " 
 
 "It is," said Friar John, "that poor devil. Pan- 
 urge, who is troubled with a calf's ague ; he quakes 
 for fear when his belly is full." 
 
 "If," said Pantagruel, "he hath been afraid dur- 
 ing this dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 267 
 
 provided he hath done his part like a man, I do 
 not value him a jot the less for it. For as to fear 
 in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cow- 
 ardly heart — as Agamemnon did, who, for that 
 reason, is ignominiously taxed by Achilles with 
 having dog's eyes and a stag's heart ; so not to 
 fear .when the case is evidently dreadful, is a sign 
 of want or smallness of judgment. Now, if any- 
 thing ought to be feared in this life, next to 
 offending God, I only say that it is death. I will 
 not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the 
 academics, that death of itself is neither bad nor 
 to be feared ; but I will affirm that this kind of 
 shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. For, as 
 Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and un- 
 natural thing to perish at sea. And, indeed, 
 JEnea.s, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, 
 was grieved that he had not died by the hand of 
 the brave Diomedes, and said that those were three, 
 nay four times happy, who perished in the con- 
 flagration at Troy. No man here hath lost his 
 life, the Lord our Preserver be eternally praised ; 
 but in truth, here is a ship out of repair. Well, 
 we must mend the damage." 
 
 " Ha, ha ! " cried Panurge, " all goes well. Shall 
 I help you any more? Here, let me coil this rope; 
 I have plenty of courage, and of fear very little. 
 Give it me, my friend. No, no, I have not a bit of 
 fear. Indeed, that same decumane wave, that took 
 
268 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 US fore and aft, somewhat altered my pulse. Down 
 with your sails ; well said. How now, Friar John ? 
 you do nothing. Is it time for us to drink now ? 
 Who can tell but St Martin's lacquey may be brew- 
 ing another storm? shall I come and help you 
 again ? Vertus guoy, I do heartily repent, though 
 too late, not having followed the doctrine of the 
 good philosopher, who tells us that to walk by the 
 sea, and to navigate by the shore, are very safe and 
 pleasant things ; just as it is to go on foot, when 
 we hold our horse by the bridle. Ha ! ha ! ha ! all 
 goes well. Shall I help you here too ? Let me 
 see, I will do this as it should be." 
 
 Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his 
 hands all flayed and bloody, through having held a 
 rope too hard with might and main, said, hearing 
 what Pantagruel had said : " You may believe, my 
 lord, I had fear and terror as well as Panurge ; yet 
 I spared no pains in lending a hand. I considered, 
 that since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we 
 must all die, it is the blessed will of God that we 
 die this or that hour, and this or that kind of death: 
 nevertheless we ought to implore, invoke, pray, 
 beseech, and supplicate Him : but we must not 
 stop there ; it behoveth us also to use our endeav- 
 ours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to 
 co-operate with Him." 
 
 "The devil take me," said Friar John, "if the 
 close of Seuill6 had not been all gathered and de- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 269 
 
 stroyed, if I had only sung contra hostium insidias 
 (matter of breviary) like other devils of monks, and 
 had not rescued the vineyard from the robbers of 
 Lern^ with the staff of the cross.'' 
 
 " Vogue la galere!" cried Panurge, "all goes 
 well ; Friar John doth nothing ; his name is Friar 
 John Faineant ; he sees me here working to help 
 this honest tar, first of the name. — Hark you me, 
 dear soul, a word with you ; — but pray be not 
 angry. How thick do you judge the planks of 
 our ship to be .' " 
 
 " Some two good inches and upwards," returned 
 the pilot ; " don't fear." 
 
 " Vertus Dieu !" said Panurge, "it seems then we 
 are within two fingers of death. Is this one of the 
 nine joys of marriage .'' Ah, dear soul, you do well 
 to measure the danger by the yard of fear. For 
 my part, I have none on't ; my name is William 
 Dreadnought. As for courage, I have more than 
 enough on't ; I mean not sheep courage ; but 
 wolf's courage, the assurance of a murderer. I 
 fear nothing but danger. As for you, gentlemen, 
 good morrow to you all : you are in very good 
 health, all of you .-' you are all heartily welcome, 
 and in good time. Let us go on shore. I am 
 wolfish and hungered for work, like two yokes of 
 oxen. Truly this is a fine place, and these look 
 like a very good people. Children, do you want 
 me still in anything ? do not spare the sweat of 
 
270 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 my body, for God's sake. Adam, that is, man, 
 was made to labour and work, as the birds were 
 made to fly. Our Lord's will is, that we get our 
 bread with the sweat of our brow, not idling and 
 doing nothing, like this monk here, this Friar John, 
 who drinks and dies for fear. — Rare weather.— 
 I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble 
 philosopher, very proper : being asked what ship 
 he reckoned the safest ? He replied, ' That which 
 is in the harbour.' " 
 
 "He made yet a better repartee," said Panta- 
 gruel, "when somebody inquiring, which is greater, 
 the number of the living or that of the dead ? 
 he asked them, amongst which of the two they 
 reckoned those that are at sea .? ingeniously imply- 
 ing, that those who are at sea are in such continual 
 danger of death that they live dying and die living. 
 Fortius Cato also said, that there were but three 
 things of which he would repent ; if ever he had 
 trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled 
 away a day, and if he had ever gone by sea to a 
 place accessible by land." 
 
 " By this worthy frock of mine," said Friar John 
 to Panurge, " friend, thou hast been afraid during 
 the storm, without cause or reason : for thou wert 
 not born to be drowned, rather shalt thou be 
 hanged, and exalted in the air, or roasted merrily 
 like a Father. My lord, would you have a good 
 cloak for the rain ; leave off your wolf and badgerr 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 
 
 271 
 
 skin mantle : let Panurge but be flayed, and cover 
 yourself with his hide. But do not come near the 
 fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God's 
 name ; for in a moment you will see it in ashes. 
 Yet be as long as you please in the rain, snow, hail, 
 nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself, or dive 
 down to the very bottom of the water, you will 
 never be wet at all. Have some winter boots 
 made of it, they will never let in the water : make 
 bladders of it to teach boys to swim, they will 
 learn without danger." 
 
 " His skin, then," said Pantagruel, " should be 
 like the herb called Venus's hair, which never takes 
 wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you 
 lay it at the bottom of the water as long as you 
 please ; and for that reason is called Adiantos." 
 
 " Friend Panurge," said Friar John, " I pray thee 
 never be afraid of water : by the contrary element 
 shall be thy life ended." 
 
 " Yea," replied Panurge, " but the devil's cooks 
 go dreaming sometimes, and sometimes put to boil 
 what was designed to be roasted. Hark ye, fair 
 friends, I protest before this noble company, as 
 for the chapel which I vowed to Mons. St Nicholas, 
 I honestly mean that it shall be a chapel of rose- 
 water, which shall be where neither cow nor calf 
 shall be fed : for I intend to throw it to the bottom 
 of the water." 
 
 " Here is a gallant for you," said Eusthenes : 
 
2/2 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 "here is a gallant, gallant and a half. It is to 
 verify the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo, 
 gabbato el santo." 
 
 [The land at which they next arrive is one of the islands 
 of the Macreons, or the Long-lived. It is the dwelling-place 
 of the demons and heroes who are grown old. After this 
 they make the island of Tapinois — "Sly-land," — where 
 reigns great Quaresme-prenant, the personification of Lent, 
 which means that Rabelais must pour out the vials of his 
 wrath on the enforced fasting of Lent. Quaresme-prenant 
 is a devourer of grey peas, a bottler of hay, a mole-catcher — 
 that is, a deceiver of folk blinded by ignorance, a grinder of 
 ashes, a flogger of children, and is father and foster-father 
 of physicians, a very honest man, a good Catholic, and of 
 great devotion ; he weeps all day, and will go to no wed- 
 dings ; he lives on salt things, his memory is like a scarf, 
 his common-sense like the buzzing of bees ; his imagination 
 like a peal of bells ; his judgment like a shoeing-horn. 
 
 "What is yet more strange, he works, doing nothing, 
 and does nothing though he works ; he corybantises sleep- 
 ing, and sleeps corybantising — that is, with his eyes open 
 like the hares of Champagne, for fear of being surprised by 
 the Chitterlings, his ancient enemies ; he eats nothing fast- 
 ing, and fasts eating nothing; he drinks in imagination, 
 swims on the top of steeples, dries his clothes in ponds, 
 fears his own shadow and the cries of fat kids, and plays 
 with his own belt." 
 
 This description reminds Pantagruel of an apologue 
 which he has read somewhere, of which Rabelais leaves the 
 application to his reader.] 
 
 Physis — that is to say. Nature — at her first 
 burthen bore two children, Beauty and Harmony. 
 Antiphysis, who ever was the antagonist of Nature, 
 immediately conceived spite upon these beautiful 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 273 
 
 and honourable productions, and in opposition 
 bore Amodunt and Dissonance. Their heads were 
 round Hke a football, and not gently flatted on 
 both sides, like the common shape of men. Their 
 ears stood pricked up like those of asses ; their 
 eyes, as hard as those of crabs, and without brows, 
 stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like those 
 of our heels; their feet were round, like tennis- 
 balls; their arms and hands turned backwards 
 towards the shoulders ; and they walked on their 
 heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy- 
 turvy, heels over head. 
 
 Yet — as you know that apes esteem their young 
 the handsomest in the world — Antiphysis extolled 
 her offspring, and strove to prove that their shape 
 was handsomer and more inviting than that of the 
 children of Physis : saying, that thus to have spher- 
 ical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner, 
 wheeling round, had something in it of the perfec- 
 tion of the divine power, which makes all beings 
 eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have 
 our feet uppermost, and the head below them, was 
 to imitate the Creator of the universe, — the hair 
 being like the roots, and the legs like the branches 
 of man ; for trees are better planted by their roots 
 than they could be by their branches. By this 
 demonstration she implied, that her children were 
 much more to be praised for being like a standing 
 tree, than those of Physis, that made a figure of a 
 
 s 
 
274 , READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 tree upside down. As for the arms and hands, she 
 pretended to prove that they were more justly 
 turned towards the shoulders, because that part of 
 the body ought not to be without defence, while 
 the forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man 
 cannot only use to chew, but also to defend him- 
 self against those things that offend him. Thus, 
 by the testimony and astipulation of the brute 
 beasts, she drew all the witless herd and mob of 
 fools into her opinion, and was admired by all 
 brainless and nonsensical people. 
 
 Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of 
 eaves -dropping dissemblers, superstitious pope- 
 mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic Pis- 
 tolets, the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva, 
 the scrapers of benefices, apparitors with the devil 
 in them, and other grinders and squeezers of liv- 
 ings, herb-stinking hermits, guUigutted dunces of 
 the cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of 
 the substance of men, and many more other de- 
 formed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite of 
 nature. 
 
 [The next island is the Isle Farouche, inhabited by the 
 Chitterlings, who are the deadly enemies of Quaresme-pre- 
 nant : next comes the Isle of Ruach — i.e., Wind, the people 
 of which nourish themselves and feed wholly on wind : after 
 this the miserable island of Pope-fig-land, once rich and 
 prosperous, a natural result of their stupidity in ridiculing 
 the Pope.] 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 2/5 
 
 Leaving the desolate island of the Popefigs, we 
 sailed, for one day, fairly and happily, and made 
 the blessed island of the Papimanes. As soon as 
 we had dropped anchor in the road, there came 
 towards us in a skiff four persons differently clad. 
 One as a monk in his frock, muddy, and booted ; 
 the other as a falconer, with a lure and a hawk ; 
 the third as a solicitor, with a large bag in his 
 hand, full of informations, citations, chicaneries, 
 and adjournments ; the fourth as a vinedresser of 
 Orleans, with fair cloth leggings, a basket, and a 
 pruning-knife at his girdle. 
 
 As soon as they had hooked their boat to the 
 ship, they all together with one voice asked, " Have 
 you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him.-"' 
 
 " Who .'' " asked Pantagruel. 
 
 " Him," they replied. 
 
 " Who is it .' " asked Friar John. " Par la mort 
 beuf! I will smash him." This he said, thinking 
 that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or 
 church-breaker. 
 
 " How ! " cried they, " gentlemen pilgrims, do 
 you not know the Unique .? " 
 
 " Sirs," replied Epistemon, " we do not under- 
 stand those terms ; but explain to us, if you 
 please, what you mean, and we will tell you the 
 truth without dissimulation." 
 
 " We mean," said they, " He that is. Did you 
 ever see him ? " 
 
2/6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " He that is," returned Pantagruel, " according 
 to our theological doctrine, is God. And in such 
 words He declared Himself to Moses. We never 
 saw Him, nor can He be beheld by mortal eyes." 
 
 " We do not speak of the supreme God, who 
 rules in heaven," replied they ; " we mean the god 
 on earth. Did you ever see him ? " 
 
 " Upon my honour," replied Carpalim, " they 
 mean the Pope." 
 
 " Ay, ay," answered Panurge ; " yea verily, gen- 
 tlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight has 
 not much bettered me." 
 
 "How!" cried they; "our sacred decretals in- 
 form us that there never is more than one living." 
 
 "I mean successively, one after the other," re- 
 turned Panurge ; " otherwise I never saw more than 
 one at a time." 
 
 " O thrice and four times happy people ! " cried 
 they; "you are welcome, and more than double 
 welcome ! " They then kneeled down before us, 
 and would have kissed our feet, but we would not 
 suffer it, telling them that, to the Pope, should he 
 come thither in his own person, they could do no 
 more. 
 
 Pantagruel inquired of a boy on board their 
 skiff who those persons were ? He answered, that 
 they were the four estates of the realm ; and added, 
 that we should be well received and well treated, 
 since we had seen the Pope. Panurge having been 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 277 
 
 acquainted with this by Pantagruel, said to him in 
 his ear, " I swear and vow, sir, it is even so. All 
 comes right to him who waits. Our seeing the 
 Pope hath hitherto done us no good : now, in the 
 devil's name, it will do us a great deal." We then 
 went ashore, and the whole country, men, women, 
 and children, came to meet us as in procession. 
 Our four estates cried out to them with a loud 
 voice, " They have seen him ! they have seen him ! 
 they have seen him ! " At that proclamation, all 
 the people kneeled before us, lifting up their hands 
 towards heaven, and crying " O happy folk ! O 
 most happy ! " and this acclamation lasted about a 
 quarter of an hour. 
 
 Then came the schoolmaster of the place, with 
 all his ushers and school-boys, whom he magis- 
 terially flogged, as they used to whip children in 
 our country formerly, when some criminal was 
 hanged, that they might remember it. This dis- 
 pleased Pantagruel, who said to them, " Gentle- 
 men, if you do not leave off whipping these poor 
 children, I am gone." 
 
 The people were amazed, hearing his stentorian 
 voice ; and I saw a little humpback, with long 
 fingers, say to the schoolmaster, " What ! in the 
 name of wonder do all those that see the Pope 
 grow as tall as he who threatens us .'' Ah ! how I 
 shall think time long till I have seen him too, that 
 I may grow and look as big." In short, the accla- 
 
278 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 mations were so great, that Homenas (so they 
 called their bishop) hastened thither, on an un- 
 bridled mule, with green trappings, attended by his 
 apposts (as they said), and his supposts also, bear- 
 ing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, 
 and holy water-pots. He, too, wanted to kiss our 
 feet, saying, that one of their hypophetes, a 
 scourer and commentator of their holy decretals, 
 had written that, in the same manner as the Mes- 
 siah, so long and so much expected by the Jews, 
 at last appeared among them ; so some day the 
 Pope would come into that island, and that, while 
 they waited for that blessed time, if one who had 
 seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to come 
 among them, they should be sure to make much of 
 him, and treat him reverently. However, we civilly 
 desired to be excused. 
 
 Homenas then said to us, " It is enjoined us by 
 our holy decretals to visit churches first, and taverns 
 after. Therefore, not to decline that fine institu- 
 tion, let us go to church ; we will afterwards go and 
 feast ourselves." 
 
 " Honest man," said Friar John, " do you go be- 
 fore ; " we will follow you. You spoke in the 
 matter properly, and like a good Christian ; it is 
 long since we saw any such. I feel myself rejoiced 
 in heart, and I verily believe that I shall have the 
 better stomach after it. It is a happy thing to 
 meet with good men ! " 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 279 
 
 Being come near the gate of the church, we 
 spied a great book, gilt, and covered with precious 
 stones, as rubies, emeralds, diamonds, and pearls, 
 at least as valuable as those which Augustus conse- 
 crated to Jupiter Capitolinus. It hung in the air, 
 being fastened with two thick chains of gold to the 
 zoophore of the porch. We looked on it, and 
 admired it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it, and 
 turned it as he pleased, for he could easily reach it ; 
 and he protested that whenever he touched it he 
 was seized with a pleasant tickling at his finger's 
 end, new life in his arms, and a violent temptation 
 in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such 
 officers, provided they were not of the shaveling 
 kind. 
 
 Homenas then said to us, " The law was formerly 
 given to the Jews by Moses, written by God Him- 
 self At Delphos, before the portal of Apollo's 
 temple, this sentence, rNOOI SEAYTON, was found 
 written with a divine hand. And some time after 
 it, E I was also seen, and as divinely written and 
 transmitted from heaven. Cybele's image was 
 brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, 
 in Phrygia ; so was that of Diana to Tauris, if you 
 will believe Euripides ; the oriflambe, or holy stan- 
 dard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble 
 and most Christian kings of France, to fight against 
 the unbelievers. In the reign of Numa Pompilius, 
 second king of the Romans in Rome, the famous 
 
28o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 buckler called Ancile was seen to descend from 
 heaven. At Acropolis, near Athens, Minerva's 
 statue formerly fell from the imperial heaven. In 
 like manner the sacred decretals, which you see, 
 were written with the hand of an angel, — yea, a 
 cherub. You outlandish people do not believe 
 this." 
 
 " Little enough," said Panurge. 
 
 "And then," continued Homenas, "they were 
 miraculously transmitted to us here from the very 
 heaven of heavens ; in the same manner as the 
 river Nile is called Diipetes, by Homer, the father 
 of all philosophy (the holy decretals always ex- 
 cepted). Now, because you have seen the Pope, 
 their evangelist and everlasting protector, we will 
 give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, 
 if you think meet. But you must fast three days 
 before, and canonically confess, — nicely picking out 
 and inventorising your sins, so thick that one single 
 circumstance may not fall to the ground, — as our 
 holy decretals, which you see, divinely direct. This 
 will take up some time." 
 
 "Honest man," answered Panurge, "we have 
 seen decretals enough, on paper, on transparent 
 parchment, on vellum, in manuscript, and in print ; 
 so you need not take the pains to show these. We 
 will take the will for the deed, and thank you as 
 much as if we had." 
 
 "Ay, marry," said Homenas, "but you have 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 281 
 
 never seen these that are angelically written. 
 Those in your country are only transcripts from 
 ours — as we find it written by one of our old de- 
 cretaline scholiasts. For me, do not spare my 
 trouble. Do but tell me whether you will be con- 
 fessed, and fast only three short little days of 
 God." 
 
 "As for confessing," answered Panurge, "we 
 willingly consent ; but fasting will hardly down 
 with us at this time, for we have so very much 
 overfasted ourselves at sea that the spiders have 
 spun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but look 
 on this good Friar John des Entommeures," — Ho- 
 menas then courteously embraced him, — " moss is 
 growing in his throat, for want of bestirring and 
 exercising his jaws." 
 
 " He speaks the truth," vouched Friar John ; " I 
 have so much fasted that I am almost grown hump- 
 backed." 
 
 " Come, then, let us go into the church," said 
 Homenas ; " and pray forgive us if for the present 
 we do not sing you a high mass. The hour of 
 mid-day is past, and after it our sacred decretals 
 forbid us to sing mass, — I mean high and lawful 
 mass. But I will say a low and dry one for you." 
 
 "I had rather have one moistened with good 
 Anjou wine," cried Panurge. " Fall to, then, — fall 
 to, and despatch." 
 
 " Verd et bleu ! " quoth Friar John, " it grieves 
 
282 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 me that I must have an empty stomach. For, had 
 I breakfasted, and fed in monkly guise, if he should 
 chance to sing us the Requiem, I should then 
 have brought thither bread and wine. Well, pa- 
 tience. Pull away ; tuck up short, for fear of its 
 dragging." 
 
 Mass finished, Homenas took out of a coffer by 
 the high altar a great bunch of keys, with which he 
 opened, by two-and-thirty keyholes and fourteen 
 padlocks, a window of iton, strongly barred, above 
 the said altar ; then, with great mystery, covered 
 himself with wet sackcloth, and, drawing aside a 
 curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image 
 coarsely painted, to my thinking, touched it with 
 a long stick, and made us kiss the end which had 
 touched the image. After this he said to us, 
 " What think you of this image ? " 
 
 " It is the likeness of a pope," answered Panta- 
 gruel. " I know it by the triple crown, the furred 
 amice, his rochet, and his slipper." 
 
 "You are in the right," said Homenas; "it is 
 the idea of that same good God on earth, whose 
 coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one 
 day to see in this country. O happy, wished for, 
 and much expected day ! and happy, most happy 
 you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you 
 as to let you see the living and real face of this 
 good God on earth ! by the single sight of whose 
 picture we obtain full remission of all the sins 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 283 
 
 which we remember, as also a third part and 
 eighteen-fortieths of the sins which we have for- 
 gotten : and indeed we only see it on high annual 
 holidays." 
 
 This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work 
 like those which Daedalus used to make, since, 
 though it were deformed and ill drawn, neverthe- 
 less some divine energy, in point of pardons, was 
 latent in it. 
 
 " Thus," said Friar John, " at Senilis, the beggars 
 being one evening, one fete-day, at supper in the 
 hospital, one bragged of having got six blancs, an- 
 other eight liards, a third seven caroluses, and one 
 fat beggar made his vaunt of having got three tes- 
 tons. ' Ah, but,' cried his comrades, ' thou hast a 
 leg of God.' As if some divine virtue could lie hid 
 in a rotten shank." 
 
 " Physicians," said Epistemon, " thus attribute a 
 kind of divinity to some diseases. Nero also ex- 
 tolled mushrooms, and in a Greek proverb termed 
 them food of the gods, because with them he had 
 poisoned Claudius his predecessor." 
 
 " Methinks," said Panurge, " this picture is not 
 like our late popes. For I have seen them, not 
 with their amice on, but with helmets on their 
 heads, more like the top of a Persian turban ; and 
 while the Christian commonwealth was in peace 
 they alone were making villainous and cruel war." 
 " This must have been, then," returned Homenas, 
 
284 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " against the rebellious, heretical, reprobate Pro- 
 testants, who are disobedient to the holiness of this 
 good God on earth. It is not only lawful for him 
 to do so, but it is enjoined him by the sacred de- 
 cretals ; and he must put to the fire emperors, 
 kings, dukes, princes, or commonwealths, should 
 they transgress one iota of their commands ; he 
 must strip them of all their goods, take their king- 
 doms from them, proscribe them, anathematise 
 them, and destroy not only their bodies, their chil- 
 dren, and other relations, but damn also their souls 
 to the very bottom of the most burning caldron 
 in hell." 
 
 " Here, in the devil's name," said Panurge, "the 
 people are no heretics, such as was our Ramina- 
 grobis, and as they are in Germany and England. 
 You are Christians picked out on the counter." 
 
 "Ay, marry are we," returned Homenas, "and 
 for that reason we shall all be saved. Let us go 
 take the holy water, and then to dinner." 
 
 Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas 
 was saying his dry mass, three churchwardens, each 
 of them with a large basin, went round among the 
 people, with a loud voice, " Pray remember the 
 blessed men who have seen his face." As we came 
 out of the temple they brought their basins brim 
 full of Papimany money to Homenas, who told us 
 that it was to feast with, and that, of this contribu- 
 tion and tax, one part should be laid out in good 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 285 
 
 drinking, the other in good eating, according to a 
 mirific exposition hidden in a corner of their holy 
 decretals, — which was performed, and that at a 
 noted tavern not much unlike Guillot's at Amiens. 
 Believe me, the eating was plentiful, and the glasses 
 numerous. 
 
 I made two notable observations at that dinner, 
 — the one, that there was not one dish served up, 
 whether of kids, capons, hogs, pigeons, conies, lev- 
 erets, turkeys, or others, without abundance of 
 magistral stufifing; the other, that every course, 
 and the dessert also, were served up by marriage- 
 able maids, — fair, I assure you, pleasing, comely, 
 sweet, and gracious. They were all clad in fine 
 long white albs, with two girdles ; their heads bare, 
 their hair trimmed with little bands and ribands of 
 violet silk, stuck with roses, gilly-flowers, marjoram, 
 daffidown-dillies, thyme, and other sweet flowers. 
 
 At every cadence they invited us to drink with 
 careful and dainty courtesies ; nor was the sight of 
 them unwelcome to all the company : and as for 
 Friar John, he looked on them sideways, like a cur 
 that steals a capon. When the first course was 
 taken off, the girls melodiously sang an epode in 
 praise of the sacrosanct decretals; and then, the 
 second course being served up, Homenas, joyful 
 and cheery, called to one of the butlers, and one of 
 the girls promptly brought him a great cup of 
 extravagant wine. He took fast hold of it, and. 
 
286 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, " My lord, 
 and you fair friends, I drink to you with all my 
 heart ; you are all very welcome." When he had 
 tipped that off, and given the cup to the pretty 
 serving-maid, he lifted up his voice and said, " O 
 divine decretals, how good is good wine found 
 through you ! " 
 
 " This," said Panurge, " is not the worst thing in 
 the pannier." 
 
 " But it would still be a better,'' said Pantagruel, 
 " if they could turn bad wine into good." 
 
 " O seraphic Sextum ! " continued Homenas, 
 "how necessary are you to the salvation of poor 
 mortals ! O cherubic Clementina ! how perfectly 
 the perfect institution of a true Christian is con- 
 tained and described in you ! O angelical Extrava- 
 gants ! how poor souls which wander in mortal 
 bodies, here below in this vale of misery, would 
 perish without you ! When, ah ! when shall this 
 special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as to 
 lay aside all other studies and concerns, to peruse 
 you, to understand you, to know you by heart, to 
 practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you into 
 blood, and incentre you in the deepest ventricles of 
 their brains, in the inmost marrow of their bones, 
 and intricate labyrinth of their arteries .' Oh, then 
 and not otherwise shall the world be happy ! Then, 
 ah then ! no hail, frost, ice, snow, or accidents ; 
 then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Then 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 287 
 
 uninterrupted and eternal peace through the uni- 
 verse, an end of all wars, plunderings, drudgeries, 
 robbing, assassinations, except against the cursed 
 and rebellious heretics. Oh, then, rejoicing, cheer- 
 fulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious plea- 
 sures, over the face of the earth. Oh ! what great 
 learning, inestimable erudition, and godlike pre- 
 cepts, are knit together in the divine chapters of 
 these eternal decretals ! 
 
 " Oh ! how, if you read but one demy canon, one 
 short paragraph, or single observation of these 
 sacrosanct decretals, you perceive to kindle in your 
 hearts a furnace of divine love, charity towards 
 your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), assured 
 contempt of all casual and sublunary things, firm 
 content in all your affections and ecstatic elevation 
 of soul even to the third heaven." 
 
 " Here is talking of organs ! " quoth Panurge ; 
 "for my part, I believe as little of it as I can." 
 
 Saith Ponocrates : " At Montpelier, one John 
 Chotiart bought of the monks of St Olary a fair 
 set of decretals, written on fine large parchment of 
 Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves. A 
 strange chance happened, for not so much as a 
 piece that was beaten in them came to good, but 
 all were dilacerated and spoiled." 
 
 " Mark this," cried Homenas ; " divine punish- 
 ment and vengeance.'' 
 
 " At Mans," said Eudemon, " Francis Cornu, 
 
288 READINGS FROM RABELAIS, 
 
 apothecary, had turned an old set of Extravagants 
 into paper screws : I renounce the devil if what- 
 ever was wrapped up in them was not immediately 
 corrupted, rotten, and spoiled — incense, pepper, 
 cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, 
 tamarinds, all drugs, medicines, and purgatives." 
 
 "Vengeance," quoth Homenas, "and divine 
 justice ! Thus to put the sacred Scriptures to pro- 
 fane uses." 
 
 " At Paris," said Carpalim, " one Groignet, a tailor, 
 had turned an old Clementinae into patterns and 
 measures. O strange chance ! all the clothes that 
 were cut on them were spoiled and lost ; gowns, 
 hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, 
 capes, doublets, petticoats, and farthingales. Groig- 
 net, thinking to cut a hood, would cut out a high- 
 crowned hat ; for a cloak, he would shape you a 
 rochet ; on the pattern of a doublet, he would 
 make you a cloak ; then his journeymen having 
 stitched it up, did pink it at the bottom, and so it 
 looked liked a pan to fry chestnuts. Instead of a 
 cape, he made a boot ; on the pattern of a farthingale, 
 he shaped a mask ; and thinking to make a man- 
 tle, he cut a Swiss tabour. Insomuch that the 
 poor man was condemned to make good the stuff 
 to all his customers ; and is now a bankrupt by 
 reason thereof" 
 
 " Punishment," said Homenas, " and vengeance 
 divine ! " 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 289 
 
 "At Cahusac," said Gymnast, " a match was made 
 by the lord of Estissac and Viscount Lauzun to 
 shoot at a mark. Perotou had taken to pieces half 
 a set of decretals on good Canonge paper, and from 
 the leaves had cut the white for the butt. I give 
 myself, I sell myself, I give myself crossways to all 
 the devils, if ever any archer in the country (though 
 they are very good in Guienne) could hit the white. 
 All shot wide. Nothing of the holy white sacrosanct 
 was contaminated or touched : nay, and Sansornin 
 the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, " Figue 
 d'Hyeres ! " (his great oath) that he had openly, 
 visibly, and manifestly seen the bolt of Carquelin 
 going straight to the round circle in the middle of 
 the white ; on the point of hitting, it had gone 
 aside above seven feet and four inches wide of it 
 towards the bakehouse." 
 
 " Miracle ! " cried Homenas, " miracle ! miracle ! 
 I drink to you all, gentlemen ; I vow you seem to 
 me very sound Christians." While he said this, the 
 maidens began to giggle among themselves. - 
 
 " Methinks," said Pantagruel, " upon such whites 
 one would be in greater safety against the arrows 
 than was formerly Diogenes." 
 
 " How is that > " asked Homenas. " Was he a 
 decretalist ? " 
 
 " Diogenes," said Pantagruel, " one day, for pas- 
 time, went to see some archers who were shooting 
 at the butt. Among them was one so poor, mal- 
 
 T 
 
290 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 adroit, and unskilful that, when it was his turn to 
 shoot, all the bystanders got out of the way for 
 fear of being hit by him. Diogenes had seen him 
 shoot ; so when he was taking aim a second time, 
 and the people were getting to the right and left, 
 he ran and placed himself at the foot of the white, 
 holding that place to be the safest, and that so 
 bad an archer would certainly hit any other, and 
 that the white alone was in safety from the arrow." 
 
 " One of the Seigneur d'Estissac's pages at last 
 found out the charm," pursued Gymnast. " By his 
 advice, Perotou changed the white, and used some 
 papers of Pouillac's lawsuit. Then every one shot 
 cleverly." 
 
 "At Landerousse," said Rhizotomus, "at the 
 wedding of Jean Delif, the nuptial rejoicings were 
 notable and sumptuous, as was then the custom of 
 the country. After supper, farces, interludes, and 
 pleasant nonsense were acted : they had also 
 morris-dancers, with bells and tabours, and divers 
 sorts, of masks and mummers were let in. My 
 schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the 
 best of our power (for in the morning we all of 
 us had fair favours in white and violet), contrived 
 a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells of 
 snails, and suchlike. Then for want of cuckoo 
 pintle, burdock, and paper, we made ourselves 
 false faces with the leaves of an old Sextum, that 
 had been thrown by, cutting out holes for the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 291 
 
 eyes, the nose, and the mouth. Marvels ! When 
 we had played our little antic tricks, and came to 
 take off our sham faces, we appeared more hideous 
 and ugly than the little devils at the ' Passion ' of 
 Dou4 so much were our faces spoiled at the 
 places touched by those leaves : one had there 
 the smallpox ; another the rot ; another the 
 measles ; another, boils and carbuncles ; in short, 
 he came off the least hurt who only lost his teeth 
 by the bargain." 
 
 " Miracle ! " cried out Homenas, " miracle ! " 
 
 "Hold," cried Rhizotomus ; "it is not yet time 
 to laugh. My sisters, Catherine and Renee, had 
 put their hoods, their ruffles, and neck-ruffs, new 
 washed, starched, and ironed, into that very book 
 of decretals; for it was bound with thick boards, 
 and had strong clasps. Now, by the virtue of 
 God " 
 
 " Hold," interrupted Homenas ; •" what God do 
 you mean .'' " 
 
 " There is but one," answered Rhizotomus. 
 
 " In heaven, I grant," replied Homenas ; " but 
 we have another here on earth." 
 
 " Ay, marry have we," said Rhizotomus ; " but 
 on my soul, I had quite forgotten it. Well then, 
 by the virtue of god the pope on earth, their 
 hoods, ruffles, bibs, coifs, and other linen, turned 
 as black as a charcoal-man's sack." 
 
 " Miracle ! " cried Homenas. 
 
292 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 "I wish," said Epistemon, "that I had paid a 
 pint of tripe, so we had but compared with the 
 original the dreadful chapters, Execrabilis, De 
 multa, Si plures, De annatis per totum, Nisi essent, 
 Cunt ad monasterium, Quod dilectio, Mandatum, 
 and certain others, which draw every year out of 
 France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats 
 and more. Is that nothing ? " 
 
 " That," said Homenas, " seems to me but little, 
 seeing that France, the most Christian, is the only 
 nurse of the see of Rome. However, find me in 
 the whole world a book, whether of philosophy, 
 physic, law, mathematics, or other human learning, 
 even the Holy Scripture itself, which will draw as 
 much money thence .'' None. Nargues ! nargues ! 
 none can. You will nowhere else find this auri- 
 fluent energy, I assure you. 
 
 " Yet these devils of heretics refuse to learn and 
 know it. Burn them, tear them, nip them with hot 
 pincers, drown them, hang , them, impale them, 
 cripple them, dismember them, bowel them, cut 
 them up, mince them, grill them, hack them, 
 crucify them, boil them, carve them, quarter them, 
 smash their limbs, break them, carbonade their 
 wicked decretalifuges, these heretics, worse than 
 homicides, worse than parricides, murderers of 
 the decretals. 
 
 " As for you, good people, if you wish to be 
 called and reputed true Christians, I most earnest- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 293 
 
 \y pray you to believe no other thing, to think on, 
 
 say, undertake, or do no other thing, except only 
 
 what is contained in our sacred decretals, and their 
 
 corollaries, this fine Sextum, these fine Clemen- 
 
 tinse, these fine Extravagants. O deific books ! 
 
 So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, 
 
 wealth, dignities, and preferments, in this world. 
 
 ' De tous reverez 
 D'ung chascun redoublez 
 A tous prdf^rez.' 
 
 " What was it that founded, underpropped, and 
 fixed, and now maintains, nourishes, and feeds the 
 devout monks, in convents, monasteries, and 
 abbeys, without the daily, nightly, continual 
 prayers of whom would the world be in evident 
 danger of returning to its primitive chaos ? The 
 sacred decretals. 
 
 "What makes and daily increases the famous 
 and celebrated patrimony of St Peter in plenty 
 of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings ? 
 The holy decretals. 
 
 " What makes the holy apostolic see of Rome, 
 in all times, and at this present, so dreadful in the 
 universe, that all kings, emperors, potentates, and 
 lords, willy, nilly, must depend upon him, hold 
 of him, be crowned, confirmed, and authorised by 
 him, come thither to kiss and fall down before his 
 holy slipper, whose picture you have seen ? The 
 mighty decretals of God. 
 
294 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " I will discover to you a great secret. The 
 universities of your world have commonly a book, 
 either open or shut, in their arms and devices : 
 what book do you think it is ? " 
 
 " Truly, I do not know," answered Pantagruel ; 
 "I never read in it." 
 
 " It is the decretals," said Homenas, " without 
 which would perish privileges of all universities. 
 You owe this knowledge to me ; ha, ha, ha, 
 ha, ha!" 
 
 Here Homenas began to laugh ; and then he 
 gave his great fat four-cornered cap to one of 
 the lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head 
 with a great deal of joy, after she had amor- 
 ously kissed it, as a sure token that she should 
 be first married. 
 
 " Vivat" cried Epistemon, " fifat, bibat, pipat." 
 
 " O apocalyptic secret ! " continued Homenas. 
 " Now for the fruit, maids. I was saying, then, 
 that giving yourselves thus to the study of the 
 holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour 
 in this world. I add, that in the next, you will 
 infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of 
 heaven, whose keys are given to our good decret- 
 aliarch god. O my good God, whom I adore and 
 never saw, by special grace open unto us, at the 
 point of death at least, this most sacred treasure of 
 our holy mother church, whose protector, preserv- 
 er, steward, administrator, and dispenser thou art; 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 295 
 
 and take care that the precious works of superero- 
 gation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time 
 of need ; so that the devils may not find an oppor- 
 tunity to gripe our precious souls, and the dreadful 
 jaws of hell may not swallow us. If we must pass 
 through purgatory, patience. It is in thy power to 
 draw us out of it when thou pleasest." Here Ho- 
 menas began to shed huge, hot, briny tears, to beat 
 his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a 
 cross. 
 
 Dinner being over, we took our leave of the 
 right reverend Homenas, and of all the good 
 people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make 
 them amends for their kind entertainment, pro- 
 mised them that, at our coming to Rome, we 
 would make our applications so effectually to the 
 Pope, that he would speedily be sure to come to 
 visit them in person. After this we went on 
 board. 
 
 Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an 
 acknowledgment of the sight of the Pope's pic- 
 ture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double frized 
 cloth of gold, to be set before the grates of the 
 window. He also caused the church-box, for its 
 repairs and fabric, to be quite filled with double 
 crowns of gold, and ordered nine hundred and 
 fourteen angels to be delivered to each of the 
 girls who had waited at table, for marriage por- 
 tions when their time should come. 
 
296 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 When we were at sea, junketing, tippling, dis- 
 coursing fair and short discourses, Pantagruel rose 
 and stood up to look out, then asked us, " Do you 
 hear nothing, gentlemen ? Methink I hear people 
 talking in the air, yet I can see nobody. Hark ! " 
 According to his command, we listened, and with 
 full ears sucked in the air, like fair oysters in the 
 shell, to find if we could hear some sound scat- 
 tered through the sky, — and to lose none of it, 
 after the example of the Emperor Antoninus, 
 some of us laid their hands hollow next to their 
 ears ; but all this would not do, nor could we hear 
 any voice. Yet Pantagruel continued to assure us 
 he heard various voices in the air, some of men, 
 and some of women. 
 
 At last it seemed either that we also heard some- 
 thing, or at least that our ears tingled ; and the 
 more we listened, the plainer we discerned the 
 voices, so as to distinguish whole words. This 
 mightily frightened us, and not without cause, 
 since we could see no one, yet heard such various 
 sounds and voices of men, women, children, and 
 horses, insomuch that Panurge cried out, '^Ventre 
 bieu ! Is this mockery ? We are lost. Let us 
 fly. There is some ambuscade hereabouts. Friar 
 John, art thou here, . my friend } I pray thee, 
 stay by me. Hast thou got thy tool 1 See 
 that it do not stick in thy scabbard ; you never 
 scour it half. We are undone. Hark ! They are 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 297 
 
 guns ; let us fly, I do not say with hands and feet, 
 as Brutus said at the battle of Pharsalia ; I say, 
 with sails and oars. Let us fly ; I never have 
 courage at sea : in cellars, and elsewhere, I have 
 more than enough. Let us fly. Let us save our- 
 selves. I do not say this for any fear that I have ; 
 for I dread nothing but danger, that I do not. I 
 always say that. The free archer of Baignolet 
 said as much. Let us hazard nothing else, there- 
 fore, I say, lest we come off bluely. Let us fly. 
 Turn front. Would I were now well in Quin- 
 quenois, though I were never to marry. Boutship. 
 Let us fly ; we are not for them ; they are ten to 
 one, I will warrant you ; nay, and they are on their 
 own dunghill, while we do not know the country. 
 They will kill us. We will lose no honour by fly- 
 ing. Demosthenes saith, that the man that runs 
 away may fight another day. At least, let us 
 retreat. Helm a-lee ; bring the main tack aboard, 
 haul the bowlins, hoist the topgallants ; we are all 
 dead men. Let us fly, in the name, of all the 
 devils ; let us fly." 
 
 Pantagruel hearing the outcry which Panurge 
 made, said, " Who is this coward ? Let us first 
 see what people they are ; perhaps they may be 
 friends : I can discover nobody yet, though I can 
 see a hundred miles round me. But let us con- 
 sider a little : I have read that a philosopher, 
 named Petron, was of opinion that there were 
 
298 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 several worlds that touched each other in an equi- 
 lateral triangle ; in whose centre, he said, was the 
 dwelling of truth ; and that the words, ideas, copies, 
 and images of all things past, and to come, resided 
 there; round which was the Age; and in certain 
 years, at long intervals, part of them fall on man- 
 kind like catarrhs, just as the dew fell on Gideon's 
 fleece, part remaining reserved for the future and 
 the fulfilment of the Age." 
 
 " I also remember," continued he, " that Aris- 
 totle affirms Homer's words to be flying, moving, 
 and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes 
 said, that Plato's philosophy was like words, which, 
 being spoken in some country during a hard win- 
 ter, are immediately congealed and frozen by the 
 cold of the air, and are not heard ; for what Plato 
 taught young lads, could hardly be understood by 
 them when they were grown old. Now," continued 
 he, " we should philosophise and search whether 
 this be not the place where those words are 
 thawed. 
 
 " We should wonder very much if this were the 
 head and lyre of Orpheus. When the Thracian 
 women had torn him to pieces, they threw his 
 head and lyre into the river Hebrus ; down which 
 they floated to the Euxine sea, as far as the island 
 of Lesbos ; and from the head there issued per- 
 petually a doleful song, as if lamenting the death 
 of Orpheus, and the lyre, wind's impulse moving 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 299 
 
 its strings, harmoniously accompanied the voice. 
 Let us see if we can discover them hereabouts." 
 
 The pilot made answer : " Be not afraid, my 
 lord ; we are on the confines of the Frozen Sea, on 
 which, about the beginning of last winter, happened 
 a great and bloody fight between the Arimaspians 
 and the Nephelibates. Then froze in the air the 
 words and cries of men and women, the hewing of 
 battle-axes, the hurtling of armour and harness, 
 the neighing of horses, and all other din of battle ; 
 and now, the rigour of the winter being over, the 
 serenity and warmth of the good season having 
 come, they melt and are heard." 
 
 " Pardieu !" said Panurge, "I believe it; but 
 could not we see some of them .■• I think I have 
 read that, along the mountain on which Moses 
 received the Judaic law, the people saw the voices 
 sensibly." 
 
 " Here, here," said Pantagruel, " here are some 
 that are not yet thawed." He then threw on the 
 deck whole handfuls of frozen words, which seemed 
 to us like the sugar plums of many colours used 
 in heraldry : some words gules, some vert, some 
 azure, some sable, some or ; and when we had 
 somewhat warmed them between our hands, they 
 melted like snow, and we really heard them, but 
 could not understand them, for it was a barbarous 
 gibberish. One of them only, that was pretty big, 
 having been warmed between Friar John's hands, 
 
300 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 gave a sound much like that of chestnuts when they 
 are thrown into the fire, without being first cut, 
 which made us all start. " This was the report of 
 a field-piece in its time," cried Friar John. 
 
 Pan urge prayed Pantagruel to give him some 
 more ; but Pantagruel told him that to give words 
 was the part of a lover. 
 
 " Sell me some, then," cried Panurge. 
 
 " That is the part of a lawyer," returned Panta- 
 gruel. " I would sooner sell you silence at a 
 dearer rate ; as Demosthenes formerly sold it by 
 the means of his argentangina, or silver quinsey." 
 
 However, he threw three or four handfuls of 
 them on the deck ; among which I perceived some 
 very sharp words, and some bloody words, which, 
 the pilot said, used sometimes to go back and 
 recoil to the place whence they came, but it was 
 with a sht weasand : terrible words, and others not 
 very pleasant to the eye. 
 
 When they had been all melted together, we 
 heard hin, hin, hin, hin, his, tick, torche, forgne, 
 brededin, frr, frrr, frrr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, 
 bou, bou, trace, trace, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr ; on, on, 
 on, on, on, on, ououououon, goc, magoc, and I do 
 not know what other barbarous words ; which, the 
 pilot said, were words of the snorting and neighing 
 of horses at the charge. 
 
 Then we heard some large ones, and they 
 sounded when they melted like drums and fifes, 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 30 1 
 
 and others like clarions and trumpets. Believe me, 
 we had very good sport with them. I would fain 
 have saved some merry words, and have preserved 
 them in oil, as ice and snow are kept, and between 
 clean straw. But Pantagruel would not let me, 
 saying, that it is a folly to hoard up what we are 
 never like to want, or have always at hand ; rnerry 
 words never being scarce among all good and joy- 
 ous Pantagruelists. 
 
 THE KINGDOM OF GASTER. 
 
 That day Pantagruel went ashore on an island, 
 admirable among all others for its situation and 
 its sovereign. On all sides at first landing it was 
 rugged, craggy, and mountainous, barren, unpleas- 
 ant to the eye, difficult to the foot, and alrhost as 
 inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which 
 is somewhat hke a pumpkin, and in the memory 
 of man was never climbed by any but Doyac, 
 the conductor of King Charles VIII.'s train of 
 artillery. 
 
 He, with strange engines, gained the top, and 
 there he found an old ram. It was a wonder who 
 had brought it thither. Some said that an eagle 
 or screech-owl, having carried it thither while it 
 was yet a lamb, it had got away, and saved itself 
 among the bushes. 
 
302 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Having with much toil and trouble overcome 
 the difficulty of the entrance, we found the top of 
 the mountain so pleasant, so fertile, so healthful 
 and delicious, that I thought it was the true garden 
 or earthly paradise, about whose situation our 
 good theologians so much dispute and labour. 
 
 But Pantagruel affirmed that here was the seat 
 of Aret^ — that is, Virtue — described by Hesiod, 
 with submission to better judgments. The ruler 
 of the place was Messer Gaster, the first Master of 
 Arts in the world. For, if you believe that fire is 
 the great Master of Arts, as Cicero writes, you err 
 and are wrong ; for Cicero never believed this. If 
 you think that Mercury was the first inventor of 
 arts, as our ancient Druids believed, you are greatly 
 out of the right way. The satirist's sentence, that 
 affirms Master Gaster to be the master of all arts, 
 is true.^ With him peacefully resided the good 
 dame Penia, otherwise called Want, the mother of 
 the nine Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, 
 formerly begot Love, that noble child, the mediator 
 of heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio. 
 
 We were all obliged to pay our homage and 
 swear allegiance to this chivalrous sovereign ; for 
 he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, in- 
 flexible : you cannot make him believe anything, 
 represent anything to him, or persuade him any- 
 thing. 
 
 ^ Persius. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 303 
 
 He does not hear ; and, as the Egyptians said 
 that Harpocrates, the god of silence, named Siga- 
 lion in Greek, was without a mouth, so Gaster was 
 created without ears, even Hke the image of Jupiter 
 in Candia. 
 
 He only speaks by signs ; but those signs are 
 more readily obeyed by every one than the stat- 
 utes of senates or commands of monarchs. Neither 
 will he admit the least let or delay in his summons. 
 You say that, when a lion roars, all the beasts 
 round about, as far as his roar can be heard, 
 tremble. This is written, it is true ; I have seen 
 it. I assure you that, at Messer Gaster's com- 
 mand, the very heavens tremble, and all the earth 
 shakes. His command is called, " Do this without 
 delay, or die." 
 
 The pilot v/as telling us how, on a certain time, 
 after the manner of the members that mutinied 
 against the belly, as ^sop describes it, the whole 
 kingdom of the human body conspired against 
 him, and swore to withdraw from his yoke ; but 
 they soon found their mistake, and most hum- 
 bly submitted, for otherwise they had all been 
 famished. 
 
 What company soever he is in, none dispute 
 with him for precedence or superiority; he still 
 goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the 
 pope were there. At the council of Basle he was 
 first; though some will tell you that the council 
 
304 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 was tumultuous, by the contention and ambition 
 of many for priority. 
 
 In order to serve him, every one is busied, every 
 one labours. Indeed, for recompense, he does this 
 good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts, 
 machines, trades, engines, and crafts : he even in- 
 structs brutes in arts which are against their nature 
 — making poets of ravens, jackdaws, jays, and star- 
 lings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching them to 
 utter human language, speak and sing ; and all for 
 the paunch. Eagles, falcons, goshawks, sparrow- 
 hawks, merlins, and other wild birds he domesti- 
 cates and trains ; so that setting them free in the 
 air, whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long as 
 he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, fly- 
 ing, hovering, and courting him above the clouds : 
 then on a sudden he makes them come down to 
 earth from heaven ; and all for the paunch. 
 
 Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, 
 mares, and dogs, he teaches to dance, prance, 
 vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry 
 what he pleases ; and all for the paunch. 
 
 Salt and fresh water fish, whales, and the mon- 
 sters of the main, he brings them up from the 
 bottom of the deep ; wolves he forces out of the 
 woods, bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their 
 holes, and serpents out of the ground ; and all for 
 the paunch. 
 
 In short, he is so enormous, that in his rage he 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 305 
 
 devours all men and beasts : as was seen among 
 the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in 
 the Sertorian wars ; among the Saguntines be- 
 sieged by Hannibal ; among the Jews besieged 
 by the Romans ; and among six hundred more ; 
 and all for the paunch. When his regent Penia 
 takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates 
 are shut up, all statutes repealed, all orders vain ; 
 to no law is she subject, from all is she exempt. 
 All shun her, in every place choosing rather to 
 expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and ven- 
 ture through fire, rocks, and precipices, than to be 
 seized by her. 
 
 You know that, by the institution of nature, 
 bread has been assigned for provision and food ; 
 with the addition of this heavenly blessing, that 
 nothing should be wanting to procure and keep 
 this bread. 
 
 Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the 
 smith's art, and husbandry to cultivate the ground, 
 that it might yield him corn ; he invented arms, 
 and the art of war, to defend corn ; physic and 
 astronomy, with other parts of mathematics, which 
 might be useful to keep corn a great number of 
 years in safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, 
 robbers, and purloiners ; he invented water, wind, 
 and handmills, and a thousand other engines to 
 grind corn, and to turn it into meal ; leaven to 
 make the dough ferment, salt to give it a savour 
 
 U 
 
3o6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 (for he knew that nothing makes men more subject 
 to diseases than bread unfermented and without 
 salt). 
 
 Fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks 
 to mark the time of its baking. It has happened 
 that corn failed in one country; he contrived means 
 to convey it from another country. 
 
 He, by great invention, mixed two species of 
 animals, asses and mares, for the generation of a 
 third, which we call mules, more strong, less deli- 
 cate, and more lasting for hard service than the 
 other two. He invented carts and waggons, to 
 draw him along with greater ease. If seas and 
 rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, 
 galleys, and ships (to the astonishment of the 
 elements) to waft him over seas, to sail by rivers, 
 to barbarous, unknown, and far distant nations, 
 thence to bring, or thither to carry corn. 
 
 It has happened, in some years, that when he 
 had tilled the ground there was no rain in due 
 season, for want of which the corn remained in it 
 dead and lost. In other years, the rain has been 
 excessive, the hail spoiled it, the winds shook out 
 the grain, the tempests blew it down. He long 
 before our coming had found out a way to conjure 
 the rain down from heaven only with cutting cer- 
 tain grass, common enough in the field, yet known 
 to very few, some of which he showed us. I took 
 it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 307 
 
 being dipped by Jupiter's priest in the Agrian 
 fountain, on the Lycian mountain in Arcadia, in 
 time of drought, raised vapours which gathered 
 into clouds, and then dissolved into rain, so that 
 the whole country was kindly moistened. 
 
 He also found a way to keep the rain up in the 
 air, and make it to fall into the sea. He found out 
 a way and means to annihilate the hail, suppress 
 the winds, and turn aside storms. Another mis- 
 fortune happened when thieves and plunderers 
 sometimes stole the corn and bread. He invented 
 the art of building towns, forts, and castles to 
 hoard it and secure it. It has also happened 
 that, finding no bread in the fields, he heard 
 that it was hoarded up in the cities, castles, and 
 fortresses, and more carefully guarded and de- 
 fended by the people than were the golden apples 
 of the Hesperides by the dragons. He found out 
 the way to beat and demolish forts and castles, 
 with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering- 
 rams, ballistas, and catapults, whose shapes were 
 shown us, not over-well understood by the in- 
 genious architects, disciples of Vitruvius, — as mas- 
 ter Philebert de I'Orme, grand architect of the 
 greatest king, has owned to us. 
 
 And seeing that these tools of destruction were 
 baffled by the cunning subtilty or the subtle cun- 
 ning of fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field- 
 pieces, culverins, mortar-pieces, bombs, instru- 
 
308 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ments that dart balls of iron, lead, and bronze, 
 some of them outweighing huge anvils, by the 
 means of a horrific powder, at which nature stands 
 astonished and owns herself outdone by art, hold- 
 ing in contempt the usage of the Oxydracians, 
 who by force of thunders, hails, storms, lightnings, 
 vanquished their enemies and put them to sudden 
 death. For one discharge of our great guns is 
 more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and 
 maims, tears, breaks, slays more men, destroys 
 more walls, than a hundred thunderbolts. 
 
 [After leaving the island of Maitre Gaster, they were 
 becalmed off an island called Chaneph, or Hypocrisy, where 
 dwell all those who live by shams, such as hermits, holy 
 mountebanks, and so forth : next by the land of Thieves, 
 where they do not land, an omission ever to be regretted. 
 
 The Fourth Book ends, and the Fifth, published after the 
 death of the author, carries on the voyage, but wants the 
 last touches and corrections of the author. We first touch 
 at the He Sonnante, or Isle of Ringing.] 
 
 Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days, with- 
 out discovering anything ; on the fourth, we made 
 land. Our pilot told us that it was the He Son- 
 nante, and we heard afar off a kind of a confused 
 and often repeated noise, that seemed to us not 
 unlike the sound of great, middle-sized, and little 
 bells, rung all at once, as is done at Paris, Tours, 
 Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere, on high holidays ; 
 and the nearer we came to the land, the louder we 
 heard that ringing. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 309 
 
 Some of us doubted that it was Dodona with 
 the cauldrons, or the portico called Heptaphone, in 
 Olympia, or the eternal humming of the Colossus 
 raised on Memnon's tomb, in Thebes of Egypt, or 
 the din that used formerly to be heard about a 
 tomb at Lipara, one of the ^olian Islands. But 
 geography did not agree with this. 
 
 " I do not know," said Pantagruel, " but that 
 some company of bees hereabouts may have begun 
 to swarm, and so the neighbourhood make this 
 banging of pans, kettles, basins, the corybantic 
 cymbals of Cybele, grandmother of the gods. Let 
 us hearken." When we were nearer, we heard 
 among the continual ringing of these indefatigable 
 bells, the singing, as we thought, of men. For this 
 reason, before we landed on the island, Pantagruel 
 was of opinion that we should go in the pinnace 
 to a small rock, near which we discovered a hermi- 
 tage and a little garden. There we found an 
 honest little fellow, a hermit, whose name was 
 Braguibus, born at Glenay, who gave us a full 
 account of all the jangling, and regaled us after a 
 strange sort of fashion. Four days in succession 
 did he make us fast, assuring us that we should 
 not be admitted into the island otherwise, because 
 it was then the Fast of the Four Seasons. " I do 
 not," said Panurge, " understand this riddle : this 
 should rather be the time of the Four Winds ; for 
 while we fast we are only stuffed with wind. What! 
 
310 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 have not you here some other pastime besides fast- 
 ing ? Methinks it is a meagre sport ; we could do 
 without so many palace holidays." 
 
 " In my Donatus," quoth Friar John, " I find 
 but three times, the preterit, the present, and the 
 future." 
 
 " That time or tense," said Epistemon, "is aorist, 
 derived from the preterimperfect tense of the 
 Greeks, admitted in variable and uncertain times. 
 Patience, say the lepers." 
 
 " It is," said the hermit, " inevitable ; therefore as 
 I have told you, whoever contradicts it is a heretic, 
 and wants nothing but fire." 
 
 " Certainly, Father," said Panurge, " being at sea, 
 I much more fear being wet than being warm, and 
 being drowned than being burned. Well, however, 
 let us fast in God's name; yet I have fasted so 
 long, that it has quite undermined my flesh, and I 
 fear that at last the bastions of this bodily fort of 
 mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am afraid of vex- 
 ing you in fasting ; for I understand nothing of it, 
 and it becomes me badly, as several people have 
 told me, and I believe them. For my part I do 
 not much mind fasting. There is nothing so easy 
 and ready to hand. I am much more inclined not 
 to fast for the future ; for then one must have 
 wherewith to send to mill. Let us fast, since we 
 are come to these holidays of hunger. I had quite 
 put them out of my head long ago." 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 311 
 
 "If we must fast," said Pantagruel, "I see no 
 other remedy but to get rid of it, as we would 
 out of a bad road. Also I want to look over my 
 papers, and see whether study at sea be as good as 
 at land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignor- 
 ant fellow, compares him to those that are bred on 
 shipboard, as we would do one bred up in a barrel, 
 who never saw anything but through the bung-hole." 
 
 Our fastings were most hideous and terrible ; for 
 the first day we fasted at broken sticks, the second 
 at swords beaten down, the third at iron-grinding, 
 the fourth at blood and fire : such was the order of 
 the fairies. 
 
 Our fastings finished, the hermit gave us a letter 
 from one whom he called Albian Camar, Master 
 ^dituus of the He Sonnante : but Panurge greet- 
 ing him, called him Master Antitus. He was a 
 little old fellow, bald-pated, with a rosy nose and a 
 crimson face. He made us all very welcome, upon 
 the hermit's recommendation, hearing that we had 
 fasted, as I have told you. 
 
 When we had well banqueted, he informed us of 
 the singularities of the island, affirming that it had 
 been first inhabited by the Siticines, or singers 
 at funerals ; but that, according to the course of 
 nature, as all things are subject to change, they 
 were become birds. 
 
 Then I had a full understanding of what Atteius 
 Capito, Pollux, Marcellus, A. Gellius, Athenseus, 
 
312 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Suidas, Ammonius, and others had written of the 
 Siticines ; and no longer did it seem difficult to 
 believe the transmutations of Nyctimene, Progne, 
 Itys, Alcmene, Antigone, Tereus, and other birds. 
 Little doubt also did we entertain of the Macrobian 
 children turned into swans, or of the men of 
 Pallene in Thrace, as soon as they had bathed 
 themselves nine times in the Tritonic lake, were 
 transformed into birds. After this nothing could 
 we get out of him but of birds and cages. 
 
 The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, 
 and of an admirable architecture. The birds were 
 large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking like the 
 men in my country; for they ate and drank like 
 men, digested like men, slept like men : in short, 
 at first sight you would have said that they were 
 men. However, they were nothing less, as Master 
 vEdituus said, assuring us that they were neither 
 secular nor laic. 
 
 Also their feathers put us into meditation, for 
 some were quite white, other quite black, others 
 quite grey, other parti-coloured of white and black ; 
 others all red, other white and blue : it was a beau- 
 tiful thing to see them. He called the males 
 clergaux, monagaux, pretregaux, abbegaux, eves- 
 gaux, cardingaux, et Papegaut, who is unique of his 
 kind. He called the females clergesses, mona- 
 gesses, pretregesses, abbegesses, evesguesses, car- 
 dingesses, papegesses. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 313 
 
 However, he said, as among bees get the drones, 
 who do nothing but eat and sport everything, so 
 for three hundred years there have flocked, I 
 know not how, every fifth moon among these joy- 
 ous birds a great number of bigots who have de- 
 filed the whole island, — so hideous and monstrous 
 that they are avoided by all. For all had their 
 necks twisted, their paws hairy, the claws and belly 
 of harpies, and the tails of the Stymphalides. 
 
 We then asked Master .^dituus why, consider- 
 ing the multiplication of these venerable birds, in 
 all the species there was but one popehawk ? He 
 answered, that such was the first institution and 
 fatal destiny of the stars : that the clergaux begot 
 the pretregaux and monagaux, but not after 
 the manner of the flesh, as bees may be born 
 of a young bull, according to the art and 
 method of Aristeus : the pretregaux begot the 
 evesgaux, who begot the stately cardingaux, and 
 the stately cardingaux, if they live long enough, at 
 last come to be papegaut. Of this last kind there 
 never is more than one at a time ; as in a bee-hive 
 there is but one king, and in the world but one 
 sun. 
 
 This one dead, another rises in his stead out of 
 the whole brood of cardingaux. So that there is 
 in that species individual unity, with perpetuity of 
 succession, neither more or less than in the Arab- 
 ian phoenix. 
 
314 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 It is true, that about two thousand seven hun- 
 dred and sixty moons ago, two papegaux were seen 
 upon the face of the earth ; but then it was the 
 greatest calamity ever seen upon this island. 
 " For," said .^Edituus, " all these birds did so clap- 
 perclaw and maul one another during that time, 
 that the island was in a fair way of being left with- 
 out inhabitants. Some stood up for this pope- 
 hawk, some for the other. Some remained as 
 mute as fishes, and never sang ; part of these 
 bells, as if interdicted, rang not a note. 
 
 During these troublesome times, they called to 
 their assistance the emperors, kings, dukes, mar- 
 quises, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the 
 world that live on the continent and terra firma. 
 Nor was this schism and sedition at an end, till 
 one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to 
 a unity. 
 
 We then asked, what moved those birds to be 
 continually chanting and singing.? .^dituus an- 
 swered, that it was the bells hanging on the top of 
 their cages. Then he said to us, " Will you have 
 me make these monagaux, whom you see bardocu- 
 culated with a Hypocras bag, sing like any wood- 
 larks ? " 
 
 " Pray do," said we. He then rang a bell six 
 times only, and presently monagaux began to run, 
 and monagaux began to sing. 
 
 " And if," cried Panurge, " I rang this bell, could 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 315 
 
 I in the same way make those other birds yonder, 
 with herring-coloured feathers, sing ? " 
 
 "Just in the same way," returned ^dituus. 
 With this Panurge rang, when suddenly these 
 birds ran and sang together, but their voices 
 were hoarse and displeasing. ^Edituus indeed 
 told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like 
 the herons and cormorants of the world, and 
 that they were a fifth kind of bigots newly 
 stamped. 
 
 He added that he had had intelligence of a great 
 navigator who lately passed that way on his re- 
 turn from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly 
 hither shortly, which he called capucingaux, more 
 sad, more mad, and more tedious, than any kind 
 whatsoever in the whole island. 
 
 " Africa," said Pantagruel, " still uses to produce 
 some new and monstrous thing." 
 
 "But," said Pantagruel, "since you have shown 
 us how the papegaut is begot by the cardingaux, 
 the cardingaux by the evesgaux, and the evesgaux 
 by the pretregaux, I would gladly know how 
 these same clergaux are born." 
 
 " They are all birds of passage," returned ^ditu- 
 us, " and come to us from the other world ; part 
 out of a marvellously great country, called ' Day- 
 lack-bread,' the rest out of another towards the 
 west, which they style ' Too-many-of-us.' From 
 these two countries flock hither, every year, whole 
 
3l6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 legions of these clergaux, leaving their fathers, 
 mothers, friends, and relations. 
 
 " The manner is this. When there are too many- 
 children, whether male or female, in some good 
 family of the latter country, insomuch that the 
 house would come to nothing, if the paternal 
 estate were shared among them all (as reason re- 
 quires, nature directs, and God commands). For 
 this cause parents send them off to this Hunch- 
 back Isle. I call it Hunchback, because ordinarily 
 they are hunchbacks, blinkards, cripples, deformed, 
 diseased, ill -made, ill-favoured, a burden in the 
 earth." 
 
 " It was quite otherwise among the heathens," 
 said Pantagruel, " in the reception of a Vestal Vir- 
 gin : for Labeo Antistius affirms that it was absol- 
 utely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order, 
 if she had any vice in her soul, or failing in her 
 senses, or defect in her body, however secret and 
 small." 
 
 " I wonder," continued >^dituus, " if their 
 mothers ever there bear them nine months, seeing 
 that they cannot endure them nor keep them nine 
 years, oftenest not seven, in the house ; but by put- 
 ting only a shirt over the frock, and lopping off I 
 do not know how many hairs from their crowns, 
 with certain magical and expiatory words, they 
 visibly, openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorean 
 metempsychosis, without the least hurt, transform 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 317 
 
 them into such birds as you nov/ see. However, I 
 do not know, fair friends, but that these females, 
 whether clergesses, monagesses, or abbegesses, in- 
 stead of singing pleasant motets and hymns of 
 praise, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by 
 institution of Zoroaster, may be singing catarates 
 and scythropys, as were offered to the Arimanian 
 demon ; and thus continually curse their parents 
 and friends, who transformed them into birds — I 
 say, both old and young. 
 
 " But the greatest numbers of our birds come out 
 of the country of Day-lack-bread, which is exces- 
 sively long. For hither fly the inhabitants of that 
 land when they are in danger of suffering male- 
 suada fames through not having enough to eat, 
 being unable or unwilling to do anything, or to 
 work at any honest trade or art, or to serve good 
 people faithfully. Those also who have failed in 
 their loves, who have not succeeded in their enter- 
 prises and are desperate ; those also who have 
 wickedly committed some crime and are pursued 
 to be put to death, all fly hither : here they have 
 their life provided for, suddenly become as fat as 
 dormice, who before were as lean as pies ; here 
 they have perfect safety, indemnity, and freedom." 
 
 " But," asked Pantagruel, " these fair birds here, 
 once flown hither, do they never return to the 
 world where they were hatched .-" " 
 
 "Some do," answered ^dituus ; " formerlj'^ very 
 
3l8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 few, but late and unwillingly ; however, since certain 
 eclipses, by virtue of the celestial constellations, a 
 great crowd of them have flown back to the world. 
 Nor do we vex ourselves a jot about it ; for those 
 that stay have the better cheer, and all, before fly- 
 ing away, cast off their feathers amorig these nettles 
 and briars." 
 
 These words were scarce out of his mouth when 
 some five-and-twenty or thirty birds flew towards 
 us ; they were of a plumage such as I had not yet 
 seen in the island. Their feathers changed from 
 hour to hour, like the skin of the chameleon and the 
 flower of tripolion or teucrion. They had all under 
 the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a 
 circle into equal parts — or, if you had rather have 
 it so, like a perpendicular line falling on a right 
 line. The marks which each of them bore were 
 much of the same shape, but of diff"erent colours ; 
 for some were white, some green, some red, and 
 some blue. 
 
 " Who are those," asked Panurge, " and how do 
 you call them 1 " 
 
 "They are mongrels," quoth ^dituus. "We 
 call them gourmandeurs, and they have a great 
 number of rich gourmanderies in your world." 
 
 " I pray you,'' said I, " make them give us a song 
 that we may hear their voices." 
 
 " They never sing," said .^dituus ; " but, to make 
 amends, they eat double." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 319 
 
 " Pray, where are their hens ? " said I. 
 
 " They have hone," answered ^dituus. 
 
 He then said : " The reason of their coming near 
 you is to see if among you they may recognise a 
 magnificent kind of gaut, which are terrible birds 
 of prey, never coming to the lure nor perching on 
 the glove, which they say are in your country. And 
 of these some wear straps tied beneath the knee, 
 very fair and precious, with an inscription on a ring, 
 by which he who thinks evil is condemned to be im- 
 mediately disgraced ; others, before their plumage, 
 bear the image of a devil ; and others, the skin of a 
 ram." 
 
 "All that is true, master ^dituus,'' quoth Pan- 
 urge ; " but we have not the honour to be acquaint- 
 ed with them." 
 
 " Now," cried ^dituus, " we have had enough of 
 talking ! let us go drink." 
 
 "And eat," quoth Panurge. 
 
 " Eat," replied ^dituus, " and drink ; nothing is 
 so dear and precious as time, — let us employ it in 
 good works." 
 
 He wished us first to bathe in the baths of the 
 cardingaux, fair and delicious; then, on coming 
 out, to be anointed with precious balm. But 
 Pantagruel told him that he should drink but too 
 much without that. He then led us into a spacious 
 and delightful refectory-room, and said : " Braguibus 
 the hermit made you fast four days together ; four 
 
320 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 days shall you be here without ceasing to eat and 
 drink." 
 
 "But," cried Pan urge, " may not we sleep in the 
 meantime?" 
 
 "As you please," answered ^dituus ; "for he 
 that sleeps, drinks." 
 
 Vray Dieu ! what cheer we made ! O the good 
 and excellent man ! 
 
 On the third day of the feasting, Pantagruel 
 earnestly desired to see the Papegaut, but ^di- 
 tuus told him it was not such an easy matter to 
 get a sight of him. 
 
 "How.'" asked Pantagruel. "Has he Pluto's 
 helmet on his crown, the ring of Gyges on his 
 finger, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him 
 invisible when he pleases ? " 
 
 " No," returned ^dituus ; " but he is naturally 
 of difficult access : however, I will take care that 
 you may see him, if possible." 
 
 With this he left us. A quarter of an hour after- 
 wards he came back and told us that Papegaut 
 was to be seen at that hour; so he led us, with- 
 out the least noise, to the cage wherein he sat 
 crouched up, attended by a brace of little cardin- 
 gaux and six fat evesgaux. 
 
 Panurge curiously considered his figure, his 
 size, and his mien. Then with a loud voice 
 he said : " Curse the beast ! he looks like a 
 hoopoe." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 321 
 
 " Speak softly," said ^dituus ; " Pardieu ! he has 
 ears." 
 
 " Yet he is a hoopoe," returned Panurge. 
 
 "If once," said ^dituus, "he hear you thus 
 blaspheming, you are lost, good people. Do you 
 see that basin in his cage ? Out of it shall sally 
 thunderbolts, thunder and lightning, devils, storms, 
 by which you shall be sunk in a moment a hun- 
 dred feet below ground ! " 
 
 "Better," said Friar John, "to drink and be 
 merry." 
 
 Panurge remained in steady contemplation of 
 Papegaut and his attendants, when under his cage 
 he perceived a she-owl. With this he cried out : 
 " Par la vertus Dieu I we are here tricked with fine 
 trickery. Pardieu ! here are trickery, treachery, 
 and cheatery more than enough in this house. 
 Look at that owl ; we are, pardieu, murdered 
 men ! " 
 
 "Speak softly," said ^dituus ; "speak softly, in 
 the name of God : it is not an owl at all, nor a she ; 
 but a male, and a noble keeper of the altar." 
 
 "But make Papegaut sing a little," said Panta- 
 gruel, " so that we may hear his harmony." 
 
 " He only sings," returned ^dituus, " and only 
 eats at his own hours." 
 
 " So do not I," quoth Panurge ; " all the hours 
 are mine. Come, let us go drink." 
 
 " Now you speak to the purpose," said ^dituus. 
 X 
 
322 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 "If you go on speaking so, you will never be a 
 heretic. Come on, I am of your mind." 
 
 As we went back to the drinking, we spied an 
 old green-headed evesgaut, who sat moping with 
 his suffragan and three joyous onocrotalists, all 
 snoring under an arbour. Near him was a buxom 
 abbegesse singing most sweetly ; and we took such 
 great pleasure in it that we could have wished every 
 member of our bodies to be ears, so as to lose 
 nothing of her song and to be wholly enwrapped 
 with it. Said Panurge, " This pretty abbegesse is 
 breaking her head with singing, and the fat churl 
 of an evesgaut snores all the while : I will make 
 him sing, de par le diable ! " Then he rang a bell 
 hanging in his cage; but whatever, ringing he 
 made, the louder snored evesgaut, without singing 
 at all. " Pardieu I " said Panurge, " old drone, I 
 will make you sing another way." Then he took up 
 a great stone, meaning to strike him in the middle. 
 
 But .(Edituus cried out, " Honest friend ! strike, 
 wound, kill, and murder all the kings and princes 
 in the world by treachery, by poison, or how thou 
 wilt; unnestle the angels from the skies, — Papegaut 
 will pardon thee all this : but meddle not with these 
 sacred birds, if thou lovest the profit, welfare, and 
 life of thyself and thy friends and relations alive 
 or dead ; even those who may be born hereafter 
 to the thousandth generation will be made un- 
 fortunate by it. Do but look upon that basin." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 323 
 
 " Much better let us drink," quoth Panurge. 
 
 " He says well," said Friar John. " While we are 
 looking on these devilish birds, we do nothing but 
 blaspheme ; and while we are draining the bottles, 
 we do nothing but praise God. Come, then, let us 
 go drink. Oh the sweet word ! " 
 
 The third day (after we had drank, as you may 
 understand), ^dituus dismissed us. We made him 
 a present of a pretty little Pergoys knife, which he 
 took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of 
 cold water that was given him by a clown. He 
 most courteously thanked us, and sent all sorts 
 of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a pros- 
 perous voyage and success in our undertakings, 
 and made us promise and swear by Jupiter Lapis 
 to come back by his territories. 
 
 [And so they take leave of L'lle Sonnante. Had there 
 been by this time left a shadow of doubt of the hatred in 
 which Rabelais held ecclesiastical institutions, this chapter 
 would be enough to dissipate that doubt. The chief office 
 of the Church is to console, fortify, and encourage the dying, 
 and to say masses for the dead. Therefore Rabelais repre- 
 sents the birds to have originally been singers at funerals. 
 Certainly in the next page he forgets this statement and 
 assigns another origin, but that is his way. The birds in 
 the cages, the monks and nuns, priests, bishops, cardinals, 
 and the great Pope himself, recruited from all the world, 
 kept well fed and fat by all the world, armed with thunder 
 and lightning (kept in a basin), held sacred from all violence, 
 leading lives of pure gluttony and selfish indulgence, with- 
 out a hint of religion, morality, learning, or work of any 
 kind, are the Church as Rabelais conceived it, knew it, and 
 
324 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 drew it after an experience of seventy years. Not one re- 
 deeming feature, no possibility in his mind that this dead 
 and rotten superstition ever had or would again put forth 
 green shoots and umbrageous branches. The world is 
 crushed, cries the old man bitterly, by the Church. Hu- 
 manity is enslaved by priests.] 
 
 We then pursued our voyage, and the next day . 
 stood in for the island of Cassade, the true image 
 of Fontainebleau ; for the land is so very lean 
 that the bones — that is, the rocks — shoot through 
 its skin. Besides, it is sandy, barren, unhealthy, 
 and unpleasant. Our pilot showed us there two 
 little square rocks, which had eight equal points 
 in the shape of a cube. They were so white that 
 I might have mistaken them for alabaster or snow, 
 had he not assured us they were made of bone. 
 
 In them he said that there was the house, in six 
 storeys, of the twenty-one devils of hazard, so for- 
 midable in our country, of which the greatest pair 
 are called sixes, and the smallest ambesace ; the 
 rest cinques, quatres, treys, and deuces. The others 
 were called sice-cinque, sice-quatre, sice-trey, sice- 
 deuce, and sice-ace ; or cinque-quatre, cinque-trey, 
 and so forth. Then I noted that there are very 
 few gamesters in the world who are not invokers of 
 devils. For, throwing the dice on the table, when 
 they cry out in devotion, " Sixes, my friend ! " — 
 that is the Great Devil ; "Ambesace, my darling ! " 
 — that is the Little Devil; " Quatre deuce, my 
 children ! " and so on with the rest, they invoke the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 325 
 
 devils by their names and surnames. And not only- 
 do they invoke them, but they call them their 
 friends and familiars. True it is that the devils do 
 not always come at will, and at the moment ; but 
 in this they are excusable. They were somewhere 
 else, according to the date and priority of the in- 
 vokers ; so that we must not say they have no 
 sense or ears. They have both, I assure you, and 
 very fine. 
 
 He then told us that more wrecks had happened 
 about those square rocks, and a greater loss of 
 body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas, 
 and Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in 
 the whole ocean. I had not much ado to believe 
 it, remembering that formerly, among the wise 
 Egyptians, Neptune was described in hieroglyphics 
 for the fii-st cube, Apollo by an ace, Diana by a 
 deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth. 
 
 [The twenty-one devils are the numbers on the dice 
 (1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 = 21). We next came to the island of 
 Criminal Justice and the Chats Fourrds. The chapter 
 seems to me only the first rough draft, uncorrected, and 
 without any of the gaiety with which the author loved to 
 light up his pages.] 
 
 After this we passed Condemnation, another 
 desert island, whereat none for the world cared to 
 touch. We also passed by the Wicket,^ in which 
 place Pantagruel would not land ; and he did well, 
 
 1 The Conciergerie of Paris. 
 
326 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 for we we.re made prisoners, and arrested, by order 
 of Grippeminaud, Archduke of the Furred Cats, 
 because one of our company would have sold a 
 sergeant some hats of Cassade Island. 
 
 The Furred Cats are very terrible and dreadful 
 monsters; they devour little children, and feed upon 
 marble stones. Tell me, drinkers, should they not 
 have flat noses ? The hair of their skin does not 
 lie outwards, but is hidden within ; and they all 
 bear for their symbol and device a gaping pouch, 
 but not all in the same manner, — for some wear it 
 tied to their neck scarf-wise, others behind, some 
 on the paunch, others on the side, and all by reason 
 and mystery. They have claws so very strong, 
 long, and sharp, that nothing can get from them 
 what is once fast between their clutches. And 
 some of them cover their heads with caps, wrong 
 side before, others with mortar caps, others with 
 mortar-like caparisons. 
 
 " Entrans en leur tapinaudi^re, 
 Ce nous dit ung gueux de I'hostifere," 
 
 to whom we gave a half teston, " Good people, God 
 give you to come out in good health ! Consider 
 well the mien of these valiant pillars, props of 
 grippeminauding justice. And note that if you 
 live six olympiads and the age of two dogs more 
 you shall see these Chats Fourri lords of all Europe, 
 and peaceful possessors of all the goods and do- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 327 
 
 mains therein, unless in their heirs, by divine pun- 
 ishment, does not suddenly perish the goods and 
 revenues by them unjustly acquired. Take this 
 from an honest beggar. 
 
 " Among them reigns the sixth essence, by means 
 of which they gripe all, devour all, burn all, quarter 
 all, behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, 
 and ruin all, without distinction of right or wrong. 
 Among them vice is called virtue ; wickedness, 
 piety; treason has the name of loyalty; robbery is 
 called liberality ; plunder is their motto, and when 
 acted by them is approved by all men, except the 
 heretics ; and all this they do by authority sove- 
 reign and irrefragable. For a sign of the truth of 
 my information, you will find that there the man- 
 gers are above the racks. Remember this here- 
 after ; and if ever plague, famine, war, storms, 
 earthquakes, conflagrations, or other disasters befall 
 the world, do not attribute them nor refer them to 
 the conjunctions of malevolent planets, to the 
 abuses of the court of the Roman, or the tyranny 
 of secular kings and princes ; to the impostures 
 of hypocrites, heretics, and false prophets; to 
 the villainy of griping usurers, false coiners, and 
 clippers ; nor to the ignorance, impudence, and im- 
 prudence of physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries ; 
 nor to the perversity of adulteresses, and poison- 
 ers, and infanticides ; but charge them all to the 
 unspeakable ruin, the incredible and inestimable 
 
328 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 wickedness, which is continually hatched and prac- 
 tised in the workshop of these Furred Cats. Yet 
 it is no more known in the world than the Cabala 
 of the Jews ; and therefore it is not detested, chas- 
 tised, and punished, as it rightly should be. But if 
 it were once displayed, and exposed to the people, 
 there never was, is, nor will be any spokesman so 
 sweet-mouthed who by his art could save them ; nor 
 any law so rigorous and draconic which could pun- 
 ish them as they deserve ; nor yet any magistrate 
 so powerful as to hinder their being burnt alive 
 without mercy. Even their own Furred Kittens 
 and relations would hold them in abomination and 
 horror. 
 
 " For this reason, as Hannibal had of his father 
 Amilcar commandment, under solemn and religious 
 oath, to pursue the Romans with hatred as long as 
 he lived, so my late father has enjoined me to re- 
 main here without till the thunder of heaven fall 
 upon them and reduce them to ashes, like other 
 Titans, profane, and opposers of God ; since man- 
 kind is so inured to their oppressions that they 
 either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of 
 the woes and miseries which they have caused, — 
 or if they have, either will not, dare not, or cannot 
 root them out." 
 
 " What is that?" said Panurge. " Ha ! No, no ; 
 I cannot see clearly. Pardieu ! Let us go back ; 
 let us go back, say I. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 329 
 
 ' Ce noble gueux m'ha plus fort estonnd 
 Que si du ciel en automne eust tonnd.' " 
 
 Turning back, we found the door shut, and it 
 was told us that one got in as easily as into Aver- 
 nus, but the getting out was the difficulty, and that 
 we should not get out without a warrant from the 
 Bench. This for no other reason than because 
 folks go easier out of a market than out of a fair. 
 
 The worst was when we got through the wicket, 
 for we were presented, to get our pass or discharge, 
 before a more dreadful monster than ever was told 
 of. They called him Grippeminaud. I cannot 
 compare him better than to Chimsera, Sphynx, and 
 Cerberus, or to the image of Osiris, as the Egyp- 
 tians represented him, with three heads joined, — 
 namely, one of a roaring lion, the other of a fawn- 
 ing cur, and the last of a wide-mouthed wolf, 
 twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, sur- 
 rounded with fiery rays. His hands were full of 
 gore, his talons like those of the harpies, his snout 
 like a raven's bill, his fangs like those of a four- 
 year-old wild boar, his eyes flaming like the jaws 
 of hell, and he was covered with mortars interlaced 
 with caps, and nothing of his arms was to be seen 
 but his clutches. His seat, and that of the Warren- 
 Cats his collaterals, was a long new rack, on top of 
 which large and stately mangers were fixed upside 
 down, as the beggar had told us. Over the chief 
 seat was the picture of an old woman, holding the 
 
330 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 scabbard of a sickle in her right hand, a pair of 
 scales in her left, with spectacles on her nose : the 
 scales of the balance were a pair of velvet pouches,, 
 — the one full of bullion, which overpoised the 
 other, empty and long, hoisted higher than the 
 middle of the beam. I am of opinion it was the 
 true effigies of Grippeminauding justice, — far dif- 
 ferent from the institution of the ancient Thebans, 
 who set up the statues of their dicasts and judges 
 after death, all without hands, in marble, silver, 
 or gold, according to their merit. 
 
 When we were presented to him, some kind of 
 people, all clothed with bags and pouches, with 
 long scrolls of inscriptions, made us sit down 
 upon a stool. Quoth Panurge, " Good, my lords, 
 I am very well upright. Besides, it is somewhat 
 low for a man with new breeches and a short 
 doublet." 
 
 " Sit you down," they replied. " Look that you 
 do not make the court bid you twice. The earth 
 shall presently open its jaws, and swallow you up 
 alive, if you do not truly answer." 
 
 When we were seated, Grippeminaud, in the 
 middle of his Furred Cats, called to us in a hoarse 
 dreadful voice, " Now then, now then, now then." 
 
 (" Now then," murmured Panurge, between his 
 teeth, " now then, now then, drink then.") 
 
 " Une bien jeune et toute blondelette 
 Conceut ung filz Ethiopien sans pfere ; 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 331 
 
 Puys I'enfanta sans douleur la tendrette, 
 Quoyqu'il sortist comme faict la vipfere, 
 L'ayant rong^, en moult grand vitupfere, 
 Tout I'ung des flancz, pour son impatience ; 
 Depuys passa montz et vaulx en fiance, 
 Par I'aer volant en terre cheminant, 
 Tout qu'estonna I'amy de sapience, 
 Qui I'estimoyt estre humain animant." 
 
 " Now then, reply," said Grippeminaud, " to this 
 riddle, and resolve it presently. Now then." 
 
 " Now, de pardieu" I replied. " If I had a 
 sphynx in my house — now, de pardieu — as Verres, 
 one of your predecessors, had — now, de pardieu — I 
 could solve this enigma — now, de pardieu — but as I 
 was never there, and am — now, de pardieu — inno- 
 cent of the fact." 
 
 " Now then," cried Grippeminaud. " By Styx, 
 since I will say nothing more — now then — I will 
 show you — now then — that it would be better for 
 you to fall into the claws of Lucifer — now then 
 — and of all the devils — now then — than between 
 my claws — now then. Dost thou see them well .' 
 Now then, villain, dost thou allege thy innocence — 
 now then — as something worthy to escape our tor- 
 tures .■• Now then, our laws are like cobwebs — ^now 
 then : simple flies and little butterflies are taken 
 in them — now then — great malefactor beetles break 
 them — now then — and pass through — now then. 
 In like manner we seek not the great robbers and 
 tyrants — now then : they are too hard of digestion 
 
332 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 — now then — and would terrify us — now then. You 
 gentle innocents — now then — you shall be finely 
 Innocented — now then — the great devil — now then 
 — shall sing your mass for you — now then." 
 
 Friar John, impatient of what Grippeminaud 
 said, cried out, " Ho ! Monsieur the Devil in a 
 coif, wouldest thou have a man tell thee more 
 than he knows ? Art thou not contented with 
 the truth.?" 
 
 " Now then," cried Grippeminaud, " is it not part 
 of my reign here — now then — that no one, unless 
 first questioned, should speak — now then .'' Who 
 let loose this mad fool here .■' " 
 
 " You lie," said Friar John, without moving his 
 lips. 
 
 " Now then — when your turn shall come to reply 
 — now then — you will have your own affairs to look 
 after — now then." 
 
 " You lie," said Friar John, in silence. 
 
 " Do you think you are in the Groves of the 
 Academy ? — now then — with the lazy hunters and 
 inquisitors after truth ? Now then, we have some- 
 thing else to do — now then — here you must reply, I 
 say — now then — categorically about what you do 
 not know. Now then, here you confess to have done 
 — now then — what you never did. Here you protest 
 to know what you never learned — now then — here 
 you are obliged to have patience — now then — here 
 they pluck the goose without letting her cry — now 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 333 
 
 then. You speak without procuration — now then. 
 I see well — now then — your quartan fevers — now 
 then — which may marry you " 
 
 " Now then," interrupted Friar John. " Devils ! 
 archdevils ! proto-devils ! pan-devils ! would you 
 then marry a monk ? Ho ! hu ! Ho ! hu ! You 
 must be a heretic." 
 
 Grippeminaud, as if he had not heard what 
 Friar John said, directed his discourse to Pan- 
 urge, saying to him : " Now then, now then, now 
 then ! You rascal, do you want to say nothing ? " 
 
 Panurge replied : " Now, de par le diable Id, ! I 
 see clearly that the pestilence is here for us— 
 now, de par le diable Id, ! seeing that innocence is 
 no longer in safety here, and the devil sings the 
 mass — now, de par le diable Id! I pray you let me 
 pay for all — de par le diable la ! and let us go. I 
 cannot pay more. Now then, de par le diable Id !" 
 
 " Go .'' " said Grippeminaud. " Now then, did it 
 ever happen, for three hundred years — then, now 
 then — that anybody escaped from here without 
 leaving his hair — now then — or oftener his skin — 
 now then 1 Why .'' That would be to say that 
 you were unjustly brought before us — now then — 
 and by us unjustly treated — now then. Unhappy art 
 thou, truly — now then — but still more shalt thou 
 be — now then — if thou dost not reply to the pro- 
 posed enigma — now then. What does it mean 1 
 now then." 
 
334 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " Now, de par le diable Id. ! " replied Panurge, 
 " it is a black weevil, born of a white bean — now, 
 de par le diable la ! by the hole which he makes 
 gnawing it — no^ , de par le diable Id. ! which some- 
 times walks and sometimes flies — now, de par le 
 diable Id ! Whence was it thought by Pythagoras, 
 the first lover of wisdom — now, de par le diable Id ! 
 to have formerly received a human soul — now, 
 de par le diable Id! Now, were you men, after 
 your evil death, according to his opinion, your 
 souls would enter into the body of weevils — now, 
 de par le diable Id ! for as in this life you gnaw 
 and devour all things, so in the next you shall 
 gnaw — 
 
 " Et mangerez comme vipferes, 
 Les coustez propres de vos mferes. 
 
 Now, de par le diable la I " Panurge threw into 
 the middle of the court a fat leather purse, stuffed 
 with gold crowns. 
 
 The Furred Cats no sooner heard the jingling 
 of the purse, than they all began to play with their 
 claws, like violins with the handles off. And all 
 said aloud, " It was a very good trial, a dainty 
 trial, a spiced trial. These are noble clients." 
 
 " It is gold," quoth Panurge, " good golden 
 crowns." 
 
 " The court," saith Grippeminaud, " understands 
 so much, very good, very good, very good. Go, 
 children, very good ; pass out, very good ; we are 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 335 
 
 not such devils — very good — as we seem by our 
 colour — very good." 
 
 As we came out at the wicket, we were con- 
 ducted to the port by certain highland griffins, 
 who advised us, before we went on board our 
 ships, not to set sail until we had made the 
 usual seigneurial presents, first to the Lady Grip- 
 peminaud, then to all the She Furred Cats ; other- 
 wise we must return to the wicket. " And gentle- 
 men,'' added they, " do not forget the drink of the 
 poor devils." 
 
 " By poor devils," answered Friar John, " never 
 is wine forgotten, but is remembered in all coun- 
 tries and in all seasons." 
 
 Friar John had hardly said these words ere he 
 perceived seventy-eight galleys and frigates arriv- 
 ing at the port. So he hied him thither to learn 
 the news, and to see what goods they had on 
 board. He found that they were all laden with 
 venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, kids, hens, 
 ducks, teal, geese, and other game. 
 
 He also spied among these certain pieces of 
 velvet, satin, and damask. This made him ask 
 the voyagers, " Whither, and to whom, they were 
 going to carry those dainty goods .'' " They answer- 
 ed that they were for Grippeminaud and the Furred 
 Cats. 
 
 " How," asked he, " do you call those drugs 
 there ? " 
 
336 READINGS FROM rABELAIS. 
 
 " Corruption," they replied. 
 
 " Then, they live on corruption," said the Friar ; 
 " in a generation will they perish. Par la vertus 
 Dieu ! It is that ; their fathers devoured the good 
 gentlemen, who, according to their state of life, 
 used to go a-hunting and hawking, to be the better 
 expert in war and hardened to labour ; for hunting 
 is an image of a martial life, and Xenophon did 
 not lie when he affirmed that out of hunting, as 
 well as out of the Trojan horse, had issued all good 
 and excellent captains. For my part, I am no 
 scholar, but I have it by hearsay; I believe it. 
 Their souls, according to the opinion of Grippe- 
 minaud, after their decease, enter into wild boars, 
 stags, roebucks, herons, and such other creatures 
 which they loved, and in quest of which they went 
 while they were men ; and these Furred Cats, hav- 
 ing first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, 
 demesnes, possessions, rents, and revenues, are still 
 seeking to have their blood and soul in another 
 life. Oh the good beggar, who forewarned us of all 
 these things, and bid us take notice of the manger 
 above the rack ! " 
 
 "Yea, but," said Panurge to the voyagers, 
 " they have proclaimed by order of the great 
 king that no one, on pain of the rope, should 
 take stag or doe, boar or buck." 
 
 " It is true," answered one for the rest, " but the 
 great king is so good and gracious, and these 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 337 
 
 Furred Cats so mad, and thirsting after Christian 
 blood, that we have less fear in offending the great 
 king than hope in continually stopping the mouths 
 of these Furred Cats with such corruption." 
 
 [They next reach the island of Matasotechny (Vain Art), 
 ruled over by Queen Entelecheia (Perfection) or Quint- 
 essence (abbreviated into Quintd). She is represented as 
 1800 years old, having been born in the time of Aristotle. 
 Her officers and 4'sciples are the scholastic philosophers, 
 those who waste their time over fruitless investigations and 
 idle experiments.] 
 
 Having prudently coasted the whirlwind for 
 about half a day, on the third day the sky seemed 
 to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at 
 the port of Mata;otechny, not far distant from the 
 palace of Quintessence. 
 
 We met full-face on the quay a great number 
 of archers and men at arms who garrisoned the 
 arsenal ; and we were somewhat frighted at first, 
 because they made us all lay down our arms, and 
 roughly asked us, saying, " Comrades, from what 
 country are you come .' " 
 
 " Cousins," quoth Panurge, " we are of Touraine, 
 and come from France, being anxious to pay our 
 respect to the Lady Quintessence, and to visit 
 this famous realm of Entelecheia." 
 
 " What do you say ? " cried they : " do you call 
 it Entelecheia or Endelecheia .■" " 
 
 " Fair cousins," replied Panurge, "we are a simple 
 Y 
 
338 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 folk, excuse the rusticity of our language, for as to 
 the rest our hearts are frank and loyal." 
 
 " We have not questioned you as to this differ- 
 ence without a cause," said they ; " for a great 
 number who have passed this way from your coun- 
 try of Touraine, to us seemed plain country folk, 
 yet spoke correctly. But from other countries 
 have come we know not what arrogant people, 
 proud as Spaniards, who must needs contest with 
 us at the beginning. They were well rubbed down 
 in spite of their impudent face. 
 
 " Aristotle, that first of men, and paragon of all 
 philosophy, was our sovereign lady's godfather ; 
 and wisely and properly gave her the name of 
 Entelecheia. Her true name then is Entelecheia. 
 He who calls her otherwise is wrong by all the 
 heavens. You are heartily welcome, gentlemen." 
 Here they embraced us, whereat were we much 
 rejoiced. 
 
 Panurge then whispered me, " Comrade, hast 
 thou not been somewhat afraid this bout .' " 
 
 " A little," said I. 
 
 " To tell you the truth of it," quoth he, ''' never 
 were the Ephraimites in a greater fear, when by 
 the Gileadites they were killed and drowned for 
 saying Sibboleth instead of Shibboleth." 
 
 The captain afterwards took us to the queen's 
 palace, leading us silently with great formality. 
 Pantagruel would have said something to him ; 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 339 
 
 but the other, not being able to come up to his 
 height, wished for a ladder, or a very long pair of 
 stilts; then said, " Patience, if it were our sovereign 
 lady's will, we would be as tall as you ; well, we 
 shall, when she pleases." 
 
 In the first galleries we saw great numbers of 
 sick persons, differently placed according to their 
 maladies. 
 
 In the second gallery was shown to us by the 
 captain, the lady — young, though she was eighteen 
 hundred years at least — fair, delicate, gorgeously 
 dressed, in the midst of her gentlewomen and 
 gentlemen. The captain said to us, " It is not yet 
 the time to speak to the queen ; be you only atten- 
 tive spectators of what she does. 
 
 " You have kings in your world who fantastically 
 cure certain diseases, as scrofula, the king's evil, 
 and quartan agues, by laying on of hands ; now 
 our queen cures all manner of diseases without so 
 much as touching the sick, but only with a song, 
 according to the nature of the distemper." He 
 then showed us the organ with which those miracu- 
 lous cures were performed. The organ was indeed 
 of strange workmanship : for the pipes were of 
 cassia ; the sounding-board of guiacum ; the bel- 
 lows of rhubarb ; the pedals of turbith ; and the 
 keys of scammony. 
 
 While we were examining this new and wonder- 
 ful structure, the lepers were brought in by her 
 
340 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 abstractors, spodizators, mace - bearers, tasters, 
 cooks, chachanims, nee-manus, and other officers, 
 for whom I want names ; she played them I do 
 not know what sort of a song, and they were all 
 immediately cured. 
 
 Then those who were poisoned were had in, she 
 sang them another song, and up they got. Then 
 came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and 
 she applied to them the same remedy ; which did 
 so strangely amaze us (and not without reason) 
 that down we fell on our faces, remaining prostrate, 
 like men in ecstasy, and ravished in excessive con- 
 templation and admiration of the virtue which we 
 had seen proceed from the lady, and it was not in 
 our power to say a word : thus we remained upon 
 the ground until she, touching Pantagruel with a 
 nosegay of fresh roses, which she held in her hand, 
 made us recover our senses and get up. Then she 
 made us the following speech, in words sweet as 
 silk, such as Parisatis desired should be spoken to 
 her son Cyrus, or at least of crimson taffetas. 
 
 "The probity that scintillises in the circumference, 
 gives me a certain judgment of the virtue latent 
 in the centre of your spirits, and seeing the melli- 
 fluous suavity of your eloquent reverences, I easily 
 persuade myself that your hearts entertain no 
 vice, rior any sterility of liberal and lofty know- 
 ledge, but abound in many peregrine and rare dis- 
 ciplines; the which it is at present more easy by the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 341 
 
 common usages of the imperite vulgar, to desire 
 than to find. That is the reason why I, dominat- 
 ing by the past over all private affection, cannot 
 now contain myself from saying the trivial word 
 of the world, which is, be welcome, more welcome, 
 yea, thrice welcome." 
 
 "I am no clerk," quoth Panurge to me privately; 
 "will you answer.'" Nevertheless I did not answer; 
 nor did Pantagruel, and we remained in silence : 
 then said the queen, " By this your taciturnity, I 
 .perceive not only that you are descended from the 
 school of Pythagoras, from which took root, in 
 successive propagation, the antiquity of my pro- 
 genitors ; but also that in Egypt, famous workshop 
 of high philosophy, full many a moon ago, you once 
 bit your nails and scratched your head with one 
 finger. In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnity 
 was the symbol of knowledge ; and silence by the 
 Egyptians was recognised by divine adoration : the 
 pontiffs of Hierapolis sacrificed to the great deity 
 in silence, without making any noise or uttering 
 any word. My design is not to enter into a priva- 
 tion of gratitude towards you ; but by vivacious 
 formality, though matter wished to abstract itself 
 from me, to excentricate to you my thoughts." 
 
 Having spoken this, she addressed her officers, 
 and said only, "Tabachins, to the panacea;" and 
 straight they desired us not to take it amiss, if the 
 queen did not invite us to dine with her ; for she 
 
342 READINGS FROM, RABELAIS. 
 
 never ate anything at dinner but categories, ab- 
 stractions, species, appearances, thoughts, dreams, 
 second intentions, difficulties, antitheses, metem- 
 psychoses, transcendentals, and prolepses. 
 
 Then they took us into a little closet, quilted 
 with alarums, where we were treated God knows 
 how. . It is said that Jupiter, on the skin of the 
 goat which suckled him in Crete, which skin 
 served him instead of a shield against the Titans, 
 whence he is nicknamed ^giochos, writes every 
 thing that is done in the world. By my faith,, 
 brother topers, on eighteen goat-skins it would not 
 be possible to describe the meats and the good 
 cheer that they gave us ; yea, though it were in 
 characters as small as those in which were penned 
 Homer's Iliads, which Cicero tells us he saw en- 
 closed in a nutshell. 
 
 For my part, had I one hundred mouths, as 
 many tongues, a voice of iron, the mellifluous 
 abundance of Plato, I could not in four books 
 describe a third part of a second. 
 
 Pantagruel told me, that according to his be- 
 lief, the lady, in saying to her tabachins, " To the 
 panacea," gave them the word symbolic between 
 them of sovereign good cheer ; just as Lucullus 
 used to say, " In Apollo," when he designed to give 
 his friends a singular treat ; though sometimes 
 they took him at unawares, as, among the rest, 
 Cicero and Hortensius sometimes used to do. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 343 
 
 When we had dined, a chachanin led us into the 
 queen's hall, and we saw how, according to her 
 custom after dinner, with the ladies and princes of 
 her court, she sifted, bolted, arranged, and passed 
 time with a fine large sieve of white and blue silk. 
 We also perceived how they revived ancient sports, 
 diverting themselves together at — 
 
 Cordax. Phrygian. Corybantian. 
 
 Emmeleia. Thracian. Thermastris. 
 
 Sicinnis. Calabris. Floralia. 
 
 Iambics. Molossian. Pyrrhic. 
 
 Persian. 
 
 And a thousand other dances. 
 Afterwards by her orders we visited her palace, 
 and saw there things so new, strange, and wonder- 
 ful, that I am still ravished in spirit when I think 
 of them. However, nothing surprised us more 
 than the exercises of the gentlemen of her house- 
 hold, abstractors, parazons, nedibins, spodizators, 
 and others, who freely, and without the least dis- 
 sembling, told us, that the queen their mistress did 
 everything impossible, and cured the incurable; 
 and only that they, her officers, did and cured the 
 rest. 
 
 One did thoroughly cure folks of every kind of 
 dropsy, striking them on the stomach nine times 
 with a double hatchet, without solution of con- 
 tinuity. 
 
 Another cured all manner of fevers on the spot. 
 
344 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 only by hanging a fox tail on the left side of the 
 patient's girdle. 
 
 One removed the toothache by only washing 
 thrice the root of the aching tooth with vinegar of 
 elder tree, and letting it dry half an hour in the sun. 
 Another cured every kind of gout, whether hot 
 or cold, natural or accidental, only making the 
 gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes." 
 
 I saw another cure nine honest gentlemen of St 
 Francis's evil, in a very short space of time, by 
 taking away all their debts, and placing a cord 
 round every man's neck, at the end of which hung 
 a boX' with ten thousand gold crowns in it. 
 
 One, by a wonderful engine, threw houses out of 
 the windows, by which means they were purged of 
 pestilential air. 
 
 Another cured all the three kinds of hectic 
 fevers, without baths, without milk, dropax, or any 
 other medicines : he only made the patients monks 
 for three months ; and he assured me that if in 
 the monastic estate they did not grow plump, they 
 never could be fattened in this world, either by 
 nature or by art. 
 
 I saw another surrounded by a crowd of women 
 in two companies. The one was composed of 
 young girls, attractive, tender, fair, graceful, and 
 of good will, as seemed to me. The other con- 
 sisted of old women, toothless, blear-eyed, tawny, 
 cadaverous, and wrinkled. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 345 
 
 It was told to Pantagruel that he recast the old 
 women, making them grow young again, and by his 
 art become like the young girls present, whom he 
 had that same day recast and entirely restored 
 to the same beauty, form, elegance, height, and 
 form of limbs, as when they were fifteen or six- 
 teen years of age ; only excepting their heels, 
 which were somewhat shorter than in their first 
 youth. 
 
 The company of old women waited for the last 
 batch in very great devotion, and importuned the 
 officer with much insistance. He indeed had con- 
 tinual practice in his art, and profit more than a 
 little. Pantagruel asked him whether he could also 
 make old men young again ? He said he could 
 not. But the way to make them thus grow young 
 was to dwell with a new-cast female ; for thus they 
 caught what in Greek is called o^tWis. This makes 
 them change their hair and skin, just as the ser- 
 pents do annually ; and in them their youth is 
 renewed like that of the Arabian phcenix. This is 
 the true fountain of youth ; for there the old and 
 decrepit become young, active, and lusty. 
 
 Just so, as Euripides tells us, happened to lolaus ; 
 thus it happened to Phaon, so much loved by 
 Sappho, by the benevolence of Venus; thus to 
 Tithonus, by help of Aurora; so to ^son, by 
 Medea, and to Jason also, who, if you will believe 
 Pherecides and Simonides, thus renewed his youth 
 
346 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 by her ; and so to the nurses of the good Bacchus, 
 and to their husbands, as ^schylus relates. 
 
 I then saw a great number of the above-named 
 officers, who made Ethiopians white as fast as 
 hops, just rubbing their stomachs with the bottom 
 of a pannier. 
 
 Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, 
 ploughed a sandy shore, and did not lose their 
 seed. 
 
 Others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose 
 their colour. 
 
 Others extracted water out of pumice-stones, 
 braying them a good while in a mortar, and 
 changed their substance. 
 
 Others sheared asses, and thus got very good 
 wool. 
 
 Others gathered grapes of thorns, and figs of 
 thistles. 
 
 Others washed asses' heads, and did not lose 
 their soap. 
 
 Others hunted in the wind with nets, and caught 
 decuman lobsters. 
 
 Others flayed eels at the tail ; and the eels did 
 not cry out before they were flayed, like those of 
 Melun. 
 
 Others out of nothing made great things, and 
 made great things return to nothing. 
 
 Others cut fire with a knife, and drew up water 
 with a net. 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 347 
 
 Others made lanterns out of bladders, and iron 
 pails out of clouds. 
 
 We saw twelve others under an arbour drinking 
 out of fair and ample jars four sorts of wine, fresh 
 and delicious to all, and we were told that they 
 raised the time according to the manner of the 
 place, and that in this manner Hercules formerly- 
 raised the time with Atlas. 
 
 Others made a virtue of necessity, which seemed 
 to me a very good and useful work. 
 
 Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured 
 the leaps of fleas, and told us that this was exceed- 
 ingly useful for the ruling of kingdoms, the con- 
 duct of armies, and the administration of common- 
 wealths ; and that Socrates, who first drew philo- 
 sophy down from heaven, and from idle and trifling, 
 made it profitable and of moment, used to spend 
 half his time in measuring the leaps of fleas, as 
 Aristophanes the quintessential affirms. 
 
 I saw two keeping watch on the top of a tower, 
 and we were told that they guarded the moon from 
 the wolves. 
 
 In a corner of the garden I met four others 
 vigorously disputing, and ready to take each other 
 by the hair. I asked what was the cause of their 
 difference. And I heard that they had already 
 passed four days, had been at it ding-dong, dis- 
 puting on three high, more than physical proposi- 
 tions, promising themselves mountains of gold by 
 
348 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 solving them : the first was concerning the shadow 
 of an ass ; the second, of the smoke of a lantern ; 
 and the third, of goat's hair, whether it were wool ? 
 We heard that they did not think it strange that 
 two contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time 
 should be true, — a thing for which the sophists of 
 Paris would rather be unchristened than confess it. 
 
 While we were admiring the admirable opera- 
 tions of these men, clear Hesperus already shining, 
 the queen appeared attended with her court. At 
 her coming we were again amazed in our senses 
 and dazzled in our sight. She immediately per- 
 ceived our affright, and said — 
 
 " What occasions the aberrations of human cogi- 
 tations through the abysses of admiration, is not 
 the sovereignty of the effects which they openly 
 prove to be the consequential result of natural 
 causes, by means of the industry of wise artisans ; 
 it is the novelty of the experiment which makes 
 impression on their faculties ; hot foreseeing the 
 facility of the operation with a sedate judgment, 
 associated with diligent study. Wherefore, be in 
 your right minds, and put away all fear, if you are 
 seized with any in the consideration of what you 
 see done by my officers. See, hear, contemplate, 
 at your free will all that my house contains ; little 
 by little emancipating yourselves from the yoke of 
 ignorance. I am very well disposed towards your 
 case. For which, and to give you instruction not 
 
PANTAGRUEL, 349 
 
 feigned, the contemplation of the studious desires 
 of which you seem to me to have made in your 
 hearts a singular monument and sufficient proof, 
 I retain you presently in the condition and office 
 of my abstractors. By Geber, my first tabachin, 
 shall you be described at departure from this place." 
 We humbly thanked her queenship, without 
 saying a word, accepting of the noble office she 
 conferred on us. 
 
 [After the port of Mataeotechny they made the island of 
 Roads, where all the paths are moving, by which Rabelais 
 means that men are carried along by the ideas and move- 
 ments of their time. After this island they reach the He 
 des Esclots, the island of Clogs, where is the Monastery of 
 Mumbling Friars, who are governed by every rule that is 
 most useless, most absurd, and most extravagant.] 
 
 Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose 
 inhabitants live on nothing but soup of salt cod. 
 However, we were very kindly received, and enter- 
 tained by Benius the Third, king of the island, who, 
 after drinking, took us with him to show us a new 
 monastery, erected and built by his invention for 
 the Mumbling Friars: so he called the religious 
 men whom he had there. For he said that, on 
 terra firma, lived friars who styled themselves the 
 Little Servants and Friends of Our Gracious Lady; 
 item, the goodly and fair Friar-minors ; the Minim 
 Friars, herring eaters ; also the Minim Crutched 
 Friars. So that the name could be no more 
 
350 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 diminished except by Semiquavers or by Mum- 
 bling. By their statutes patent obtained, they 
 were all' dressed like so many house-burners, except 
 that, just as in Anjou roofers quilt their knees, 
 so these holy friars have their paunches paved 
 or tiled, and paunch-pavers are among them in 
 much repute. 
 
 They wear shoes as round as basins, in imitation 
 of those who inhabit the sandy sea. Their chins 
 are close shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and 
 to show they do not value fortune, they shave 
 the hind part of their heads from the crown to the 
 shoulder-blades ; their hair before, from the breg- 
 matic bones, grows at liberty. 
 
 Thus do they counter fortune, as folk caring no 
 whit for worldly goods. Moreover, defying For- 
 tune the various, they bear, not in their hands like 
 her, but at the belt, instead of paternosters, every 
 man a sharp razor, which they grind twice a-day, 
 and set three times every night. 
 
 Each of them has a round ball on his feet, be- 
 cause Fortune is said to have one under hers. 
 
 The flaps of their cowls are tied in front, and 
 not behind. In this fashion they have the face 
 hidden, and they freely laugh as much at fortune 
 as at the fortunate, — neither more nor less than 
 our ladies laugh when they have their cachelaid or 
 mask, which was formerly called charity, because 
 it covers a multitude of sins. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 351 
 
 The hind part of their heads is always uncovered, 
 as are our faces, which makes them either go for- 
 ward or backward, which they please. Now, if 
 they go forward, you would then think they were 
 playing at blindman's buff. It is a fair sight 
 to see. 
 
 Their way of living is thus : At the first appear- 
 ance of dawn they boot and spur one another out 
 of charity ; thus booted and spurred, they sleep, 
 or at least snore; and in their sleeping have spec- 
 tacles on nose, or eye-glasses at the least. 
 
 We found this fashion strange ; but they con- 
 tented us in their reply, pointing out to us that, at 
 the day of judgment, whenever it will be, men will 
 be taking repose and slumber : therefore, to prove 
 clearly that they do not refuse to appear, as 
 the Fortunate will, they hold themselves booted, 
 spurred, and ready to mount a horseback whenever 
 the trumpet should sound. 
 
 At stroke of noon they wake, and pull off their 
 boots : those who want to sneeze, sneeze ; but all, 
 by law and statute rigorous, amply and copiously 
 yawn, taking their breakfast off yawns. The spec- 
 tacle seemed to me pleasant. Then, their boots 
 and spurs put upon a rack, they descend to the 
 cloisters. There they curiously wash their hands 
 and mouths, then sit upon a long stool and pick 
 their teeth until the provost makes a sign by 
 whistling through his fingers : then they open their 
 
352 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 jaws as wide as they can, and yawn sometimes half 
 an hour, sometimes more, and sometimes less, 
 according as the prior judges the breakfast to be 
 proportionate to the festival of the day ; and after 
 that they make a very fine procession, in which 
 they bear two banners, in one of which is repre- 
 sented in fair painting a portrait of Virtue, in the 
 other of Fortune. First comes a Mumbler, bearing 
 the banner of Fortune; after him another with that 
 of Virtue, holding in his hand an aspersoir, dipped 
 in mercurial water, described by Ovid in his Fasti, 
 with which he doth continually bethwack the 
 Mumbler bearing Fortune. " This order," said 
 Panurge, " is contrary to the opinion of Cicero and 
 the Academics, who will have Virtue to precede, 
 not to follow, Fortune." It was, however, pointed 
 out to me that thus it was fitting for them to 
 march, because their intention was to fustigate 
 Fortune. 
 
 During the procession they hum between their 
 teeth melodiously some kind of antiphones. I 
 could not make out their patter ; and, on listening 
 attentively, I perceived that they were singing 
 with their ears. Oh, the fair harmony, and har- 
 monious with the sound of their bells ! Never will 
 you hear them out of tune. 
 
 The procession ended, as a promenade and salu- 
 brious exercise, they retire within their refectory, 
 and place themselves on their knees under the 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 353 
 
 table, every man resting his chest upon a lantern. 
 Their diet is as follows : — 
 
 On Sundays they eat puddings, chitterlings, 
 sausages, fricandeaus, liver with parsley, and young 
 quails ; always excepted the cheese at first and 
 the mustard to finish. 
 
 On Mondays, pease and lard, with ample com- 
 mentary and interlinear gloss. 
 
 On Tuesdays, store of holy bread, cakes, buns, 
 gateaux, galettes, and biscuits. 
 
 On Wednesdays, country fashion, fine sheep's- 
 heads, calves'-heads, and badgers'-heads, of which 
 there is no want in that country. 
 
 On Thursdays, seven sorts of soup, and everlast- 
 ing mustard with them. 
 
 On Fridays, nothing but sorb-apples ; neither 
 are these too ripe, so far as I could judge by their 
 colour. 
 
 On Saturdays they gnaw the bones ; not that 
 they are poor or needy, for every mother's son of 
 them is plump and fat. 
 
 As for their drink, it is wine Antifortunal ; thus 
 they call I do not know what sort of a liquor of 
 the place. 
 
 When they want to eat or drink, they pull down 
 the flaps of their cowls in front, and that serves 
 them for a bib. 
 
 Dinner despatched, they pray God very well, 
 and all by humming ; the rest of the day, waiting 
 
 z 
 
354 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 for the day of judgment, they ate taken up with 
 acts of charity. 
 
 On Sundays they cuff each other. 
 
 On Mondays they fillip each other. 
 
 On Tuesdays they clapperclaw one another. 
 
 On Wednesdays they pull each others' noses. 
 
 On Thursdays they pinch each other. 
 
 On Fridays they tickle each other. 
 
 On Saturdays they flog each other. 
 
 Such is their diet when they reside in the con- 
 vent ; if by order of the prior they go abroad, then 
 they are strictly enjoined, on pains horrific, neither 
 to touch nor eat any manner of fish, as long as 
 they are on sea or rivers, and to abstain from all 
 manner of flesh whenever they are on land ; that 
 every one might be convinced that, while they 
 enjoyed the object, they did not enjoy the power 
 and the desire, and were no more moved with it 
 than the Marpesian rock. All being done with 
 proper antiphones, sung and chanted by the ears, 
 as we have already said. 
 
 When the sun goes to bed, they boot and spur 
 each other as before, and, spectacles on nose, they 
 compose themselves to sleep. At midnight every 
 one rises : then they grind and set their razors, 
 and the procession made, they clap the tables over 
 themselves, and feed as aforesaid. 
 
 [Next is the island of Satin, a most charming country, 
 where there exists everything found in fable, fiction, and 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 355 
 
 poetry : after this comes the country of Tapestry, where are 
 most remarkable things ; and there a tribe of people who 
 sit round an old man called Hearsay. Thence they sail 
 straight for Lantern Land, the land of light and truth. Be- 
 fore we arrive there and learn the oracle of the Bottle, let us 
 briefly recapitulate the principal events of this remarkable 
 voyage. We must remember, first, what it was they were 
 in search of. An idle doubt, the vagary of a busy, rest- 
 less mind, suggests the first inquiry, " Shall Panurge be 
 married?" What answer is given by the oracles, the 
 astrologers, the wise men, the witches, whom he consults? 
 None. Is there, then, no voice from the unseen world 
 which directs the course of men ? No narrower issue than 
 this is present to the mind of Pantagruel. In search of an 
 answer, he leads his followers on- this long voyage among 
 undiscovered islands. We see the island of Pretence and 
 Ostentation; the island of Lip-service and Hollow Polite- 
 ness ; the island of Confusion and Desolation, where war 
 has lately been ; the island of the Long-lived, where in 
 dark forests, among the ruins of the ancient temples, dwell 
 the great men of old ; the island of Tapinois, where Quar- 
 esme-prenant is described, with the follies of Lent ; the 
 island of the Chitterlings ; that of Smoke and Windy Doc- 
 trine ; that of Pope-fig-land ; that of Papimanie ; the country 
 of great King Gaster, the He Sonnante, the islands of Tools, 
 of Gambling, of, the Furred Cats, of the Tax-farmers, of 
 Queen Entelecheia, of Roads, of Sabots, of Mumbling 
 Friars, and of Legendary Animals and Things. We have 
 made the acquaintance of certain persons whom we shall 
 not easily forget — Quaresme-prenant, Bishop Homenas, 
 Gaster, yEdituus, Grippeminaud, and Queen Entelecheia. 
 We have seen the development of the principal characters 
 in the book — Pantagruel, Panurge, and Friar John — and 
 we have learned a great deal. We are prepared for the 
 oracle, whatever it may be, by the warnings we have re- 
 ceived and the lessons which our adventurers have taught 
 us. It is a vain thing to look for advice, aid, or information 
 from magic, divination, sorcery, or astrology. If we want 
 to find truth, we must ourselves search for it. Armed with 
 
3S6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ■^ store of the herb Pantagruelion, which means courage, 
 patience, and hope, we must aim at simplicity, .avoiding 
 pretence, conceit, affectation. The justice of the world is 
 generally chicanery; its wars are due to ambition; vain 
 and idolatrous are the superstitions of the Roman Catholics, 
 who ignorantly adore the Pope ; stupid, useless, and mis- 
 chievous are the religious orders, with their rules which 
 mean nothing, their ignorance, their gluttony, and their 
 licentious lives. The justice of the world is often admin- 
 istered by cruel and rapacious judges, scholastic subtilties, 
 men childish, and lead to no result. If, then, there is in 
 the world no religion, no justice, no truth, no honesty, 
 nothing real, nothing what it pretends to be, what remains 
 for men ? So far, there is nothing but to lay in good store 
 of Pantagruelion, that potent herb, and to hope for the 
 oracle of the Divine Bottle.] 
 
 Thereupon we arrived at the port of Lantern- 
 land : there Pantagruel discovered, on a high 
 tower, the lantern of Rochelle, which cast a great 
 light. We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that of 
 Nauplion, and that of the Acropolis at Athens, 
 sacred to Pallas. 
 
 Near the port is a little hamlet inhabited by the 
 Lychnobians, who are a people living on lanterns, 
 honest and studious. Demosthenes formerly lan- 
 ternised there. 
 
 We were conducted from that place to the 
 palace by three Obeliscolichnys, military guards 
 of the port, with high hats like Albanians, whom 
 we acquainted with the causes of our voyage, and 
 our design, — which was to desire the queen of the 
 country to grant us a Lantern to light and con- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 357 
 
 duct us, during our voyage to the Oracle of the 
 Bottle. 
 
 This they promised to do, willingly ; adding 
 that we had come at an excellent opportunity, and 
 should have a good choice of Lanterns, because 
 they were then holding their Provincial Chapter. 
 
 When we came to the royal palace we were pre- 
 sented to the queen by two Lanterns of honour, 
 namely, that of Aristophanes, and that of Cleanthes. 
 Panurge, in Lantern language, explained briefly 
 the causes of our voyage. We had from her a 
 good reception, and commandment to assist at her 
 supper, that we might more easily make choice of 
 one to be our guide, which pleased us extremely ; 
 and we did not fail to observe and to note every 
 thing, as much in their garbs, motions, and deport- 
 ments as in the manner after which she was served. 
 
 The queen was dressed in virgin crystal, wrought 
 damaskwise, and set with large diamonds. 
 
 The Lanterns of the Royal blood were clad 
 partly with paste diamonds, partly with diaphanous 
 stones, and partly with horn, paper, and oiled cloth. 
 
 The Cresset-lights took place according to the 
 antiquity and lustre of their families. 
 
 An earthern dark-Lantern, shaped like a pot, 
 took place of some of the first quality ; at which I 
 wondered much, till I was told it was that of 
 Epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had 
 been formerly refused. 
 
3S8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 I then diligently considered the mode and ac- 
 coutrement of the many-wicked Lantern of Martial ; 
 still more that of the twenty-wicked lamp, once 
 consecrated by Canopa, daughter of Tisias. 
 
 I noted carefully the pensile Lantern, formerly 
 taken out of the temple of Apollo Palatinus at 
 Thebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Con- 
 queror carried to the town of Cymos in ^olia. 
 
 I saw another remarkable by a tuft of crimson 
 silk on its head. I was told it was that of Bar- 
 tolus, the Lantern of Law. 
 
 When it was supper-time, the queen first sat 
 down, and then the rest, according to their rank 
 and dignity. For the first course, they were all 
 served with large mould candles, except the queen, 
 who was served with a flaming taper of white wax ; 
 and the Lanterns of royal blood, as also the Pro- 
 vincial Lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with 
 a candle of nuts ; and the Provincial of Lower 
 Poitou, whom I saw served with an armed candle. 
 
 And God wot, what a light they gave with their 
 wicks, — all, except a number of junior Lanterns 
 under the government of a great Lantern. These 
 did not cast a light like the rest, but seemed to me 
 to burn with rascally colours. 
 
 After supper we withdrew to take some rest, and 
 the next day the queen made us choose one of the 
 most illustrious Lanterns to guide us ; after which 
 we took our leave. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 359 
 
 Our glorious Lantern lighting and directing us 
 in all joyousness, we arrived at the desired island 
 in which was the Oracle of the Bottle. As soon 
 as friend Panurge landed, he actively cut a caper 
 with one leg, and cried to Pantagruel, " This day 
 we have what we seek with fatigue and toils so 
 diverse." He then made a compliment to our 
 Lantern, who desired us to be of good cheer, and 
 not be daunted or dismayed, whatever we might 
 chance to see. 
 
 On our way to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, 
 we were to go through a large vineyard, in which 
 were all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian, 
 the Muscadine, those of Tagus, Beaune, Mirevaux, 
 Orleans, Picardent, Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, 
 Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This vine- 
 yard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, 
 with so great a blessing, that it yields leaves, 
 flowers, and fruit all the year round, like the 
 orange trees at San Remo. 
 
 Our magnificent Lantern ordered every one of 
 us to eat three grapes, to put some vine-leaves in 
 his shoes, and take a vine - branch in his left 
 hand. 
 
 At the end of the vineyard we went under an 
 ancient arch, on which was the trophy of a toper 
 very curiously carved. 
 
 First, on one side was to be seen a long train of 
 flagons, leathern bottles, flasks, cans, vials, barrels. 
 
36o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 kegs, pint-pots, quart-pots, pewter-pots, hanging in 
 a shady arbour. 
 
 On another side was store of garlic, onions, 
 shallots, hams, botargos, round cheeses, smoked 
 tongues, such-like comfits, interwoven with vine- 
 leaves. 
 
 On another were a hundred sorts of drinking 
 glasses, cups, cisterns, ewers, tumblers, bowls, 
 mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such other bacchic 
 artillery. 
 
 On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under 
 the zoophore, was the following couplet : — 
 
 " Passant icy ceste poterne, 
 Gamy toy de bonne lanterne." 
 
 " We took special care of that," cried Pantagruel, 
 when he read them ; " for there is not a better or a 
 more divine Lantern than ours in all Lantern- 
 land." 
 
 This arch ended at a fair and ample alley, 
 covered over with vine branches, adorned with 
 clusters of five hundred different colours, and of as 
 many various shapes, not natural, but due to the 
 skill of agriculture — being golden, blue, tawny, 
 azure, white, black, green, violet-spotted, streaked 
 with many colours, long, round, triangular, oval- 
 bearded, great-headed, and grassy. That pleasant 
 alley ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all 
 laden with berries. Our most illustrious Lantern 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 361 
 
 directed us to make ourselves Albanian hats with 
 their leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, 
 which was immediately done. 
 
 " The priestess of Jupiter," said Pantagruel, " in 
 former days, would not, like us, have walked be- 
 neath this arbour." 
 
 "The reason," answered our most perspicuous 
 Lantern, " was mystical. Pbr had she gone under 
 it, the wine, or the grapes of which it is made, 
 would have been over her head, and then she would 
 have seemed mastered and dominated by- wine. 
 Which implies that priests, and all persons who 
 devote themselves to the contemplation of divine 
 things, ought to keep their minds sedate and calm, 
 without any perturbation of their senses — which is 
 more manifested in drunkenness than in any other 
 passion whatever." 
 
 " You also," continued our Lantern, " could not 
 be received by the Holy Bottle, after you have 
 gone through this arch, did not that noble priestess 
 Bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves ; 
 which action is diametrically opposite to the other, 
 and signifies that you despise wine, and having 
 mastered it, tread it under foot." 
 
 " I am no scholar," quoth Friar John, " for which 
 I am sorry; yet I find, in my breviary, that in 
 the Revelation was, as a wonderful thing, seen a 
 woman with the moon under her feet. Now, as 
 has been explained to me, this was to signify 
 
362 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 that she was not of the race and nature of other 
 women, who have on the other hand the moon in 
 their heads, and, consequently, their brains always 
 troubled with lunacy: this makes me willing to 
 believe what you said, Madame Lantern, my 
 friend." 
 
 Thence we went underground through a plas- 
 tered vault, on which i^as coarsely painted a dance 
 of women and satyrs, following old Silenus, who 
 was laughing on his ass. Then I said to Panta- 
 gruel, " This entry puts me in mind of the Painted 
 Cave in the oldest city in the world. There are 
 similar paintings, and in as cool a place." 
 
 " Which is the oldest city in the world .' " asked 
 Pantagruel. 
 
 " Chinon," I said, " or Cainon in Touraine." 
 
 " I know," returned Pantagruel, " where Chinon 
 lies, and the Painted Cave also, having myself 
 drunk there many a glass of cool wine ; neither do 
 I doubt but that Chinon is an ancient town — wit- 
 ness its blazon. I own it is said twice or thrice, — 
 
 " 'Chinon, 
 Petite ville grand renom, 
 Assise dessus pierre ancienne : 
 Au hault le boys, au pied la Vienne.' 
 
 " But how do you make it out that it is the 
 oldest city in the world ? Where did you find this 
 written .' What makes you conjecture it ? " 
 
 " I have found it in the sacred Scriptures," said 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 363 
 
 I, " that Cain was the first builder of towns ; we 
 may then reasonably conjecture, that from his 
 name he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, after his 
 example, all other founders of towns have given 
 them their names: Athena, that is Minerva in 
 Greek, to Athens ; Alexander to Alexandria ; 
 Constantino to Constantinople ; Pompey to Pom- 
 peiopolis in Cilicia ; Adrian to Adrianople ; Cana 
 to the Canaanites ; Saba to the Sabaeans ; Assur 
 to the Assyrians ; . Ptolemais, Csesarea, Tiberias, 
 and Herodium in Judaea." 
 
 While we were thus talking, there came out the 
 Great Flask, whom our Lantern called the Philo- 
 sopher, Governor of the Dive Bouteille, attended 
 by a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles. 
 He, seeing us carrying the thyrsus, as I have said, 
 and crowned with ivy, recognising also our illus- 
 trious Lantern, desired us to enter in safety, and 
 ordered we should be immediately conducted to 
 the Princess Bacbuc, Lady of Honour to the Bou- 
 teille, and priestess of all the mysteries; which 
 was done. 
 
 We went down one marble step underground 
 where there was a landing-place; turning to the 
 left, we went down two other steps, where there 
 was another landing-place ; after that we came to 
 three other steps, turning about, and met a third ; 
 and the like at four steps, which we met afterwards. 
 Then asked Panurge, " Is it here .' " 
 
364 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " How many steps have you told ? " asked our 
 magnificent Lantern. 
 
 " One, two, three, four," answered Pantagruel. 
 
 " How much is that ? " asked she. 
 
 " Ten," returned he. 
 
 " Multiply that," said she, " according to the 
 same Pythagorean tetrad." 
 
 " That is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty," cried Panta- 
 gruel. 
 
 " How much is the whole .' " said she. 
 
 " One hundred," answered Pantagruel. 
 
 "Add," continued she, "the first cube — that is 
 eight: at the end of that fatal number you will 
 find the temple gate ; and pray, observe, this is the 
 true Psychogony of Plato, so " celebrated by the 
 academics, yet so little understood ; one moiety of 
 which consists of unity, of the two first numbers 
 full, of two square, and of two cubic numbers. We 
 then went down those stairs, all underground ; 
 and I can assure you, in the first place, that our 
 legs stood us in good stead ; for had it not been 
 for them, we should have rolled about like hogs- 
 heads in a vault. Secondly, our radiant Lantern 
 helped us, for in this descent there appeared to us 
 no other light than if we had been in St Patrick's 
 hole in Ireland, or the cave of Trophonius in 
 Boeotia: but Panurge cried out to our Lantern, 
 after we had got.down some seventy-eight steps — 
 
 " Lady of Wonder, with a contrite heart, I be- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 365 
 
 seech you let us turn back. Par la mort beuf, I 
 die with fear. I consent never to marry. You 
 have given yourself too much trouble on my ac- 
 count; the Lord shall reward you in His great 
 rewarding-place ; neither will I be Ungrateful when 
 I come out of this cave of Troglodytes. Let us 
 go back, I pray you. I suspect this is Tsenarus, 
 by which one gets to hell, and methinks I hear 
 Cerberus barking. Hark ! it is he, or my ears 
 tingle ; I have no manner of kindness for the dog, 
 for there is no toothache so great as when dogs 
 bite us by the legs. If this be the cave of Tropho- 
 nius, the lemures and goblins will certainly swallow 
 us alive : just as they devoured formerly one of 
 Demetrius's halbardiers, for want of bread. Art 
 thou here, Friar John } Pr'ythee, stay near me ; I 
 die of fear. Hast thou got thy bilbo .-" I have no 
 arms at all, neither offensive nor defensive ; let us 
 go back." 
 
 " I am here," cried Friar John, " I am here ; have 
 no fear : I have thee fast by the collar ; eighteen 
 devils shall not get thee out of my clutches, though 
 I were unarmed. Never did a man yet want 
 weapons who had a good arm with a stout heart ; 
 heaven would rather send down a shower of arms, 
 even as in Provence, in the fields of la Crau, near 
 the Moat of Mariannes, there rained stones (they 
 are there to this day) to help Hercules, who had 
 nothing wherewith to . fight Neptune's two sons. 
 
366 _ READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 But whither are we bound ? Are we going to the 
 limbo of little children ? Or are we going to hell 
 to all the devils ? Cordieu ! I will bethwack and 
 belabour them, now I have some vine-leaves in my 
 shoes. Thou shalt see me lay about. Which way? 
 where are they ? I fear nothing but 'their horns." 
 
 Here was the talk interrupted by our splendid 
 Lantern, letting us know this was the place where 
 we were to observe silence and taciturnity of 
 tongues : for the rest there was peremptory re- 
 sponse that we must have no hope of returning 
 without the word of the Bottle, now that we had 
 once stuffed our shoes with vine-leaves. 
 
 " Come on, then,'' cried Panurge, " let us charge 
 head first through all the devils ; we can but 
 perish once : however, I was reserving my life for 
 some battle. Push on, push on, pass forwards ; 
 I have plenty of courage and more : my heart 
 trembles a little, I own, but that is only an effect 
 of the coldness and dampness of this vault; it is 
 neither fear nor ague. Push on, pass on, move on. 
 I am called William Lackfear." 
 
 After we were got down the steps, we came to a 
 portal of fine jasper, compassed and built in Doric 
 form and work, on whose front we read this sen- 
 tence in the finest gold, EN 'OINO AAH®EIA : that 
 is, " In Wine, Truth." The two doors were of 
 Corinthian brass, massy, wrought with little vine- 
 branches, finely embossed and distinctly engraven 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 367 
 
 according to the requirements of the sculpture, and 
 were equally joined and closed together in their 
 mortise without any padlock, key-chain, or tie 
 whatsoever. Where they joined, there hung an 
 Indian diamond as big as an Egyptian bean, set in 
 gold, having two points, hexagonal, in a right line ; 
 and on each side, towards the wall, hung a handful 
 of garlic. 
 
 There our noble Lantern desired us not to take 
 it amiss that she went no further with us — only 
 that we must obey the instructions of the priestess 
 Bacbuc : for she herself was not allowed to go in, 
 for certain causes rather to be concealed than re- 
 vealed to mortals. However, she advised us to be 
 resolute, to have no fear, and to trust to her for our 
 return. , She then pulled the diamond that hung at 
 the folding of the gates, and threw it into a silver 
 box fixed for that purpose ; she also drew from the 
 threshold of each gate a twine of crimson silk, 
 about nine feet long, by which the garlic hung, 
 fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the 
 sides, and withdrew. 
 
 Immediately the gates flew open without being 
 touched ; and in opening made not a creaking or 
 loud harsh noise, like that made commonly by 
 gates of bronze rough and heavy, but with a soft 
 pleasing murmur that resounded through the vaults 
 of the temple. 
 
 Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, discover- 
 
368 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ing a small cylinder under the extremity of both 
 doors, which on the threshold joined the door and 
 turning with it towards the wall, on a hard ophite 
 stone, well turned, and equally polished by this rub- 
 bing, caused this sweet and harmonious murmur. 
 
 I wondered how the gates thus opened of them- 
 selves. The better to understand this marvel, after 
 we were all got in, I cast my eye between the gates 
 and the wall, desirous of knowing by what force 
 and what instrument- they were thus closed, sus- 
 pecting that our amiable Lantern had brought the 
 herb Ethiopis which opens everything ; but I per- 
 ceived that the part at which the gates closed in 
 the inner mortise was a blade of fine steel enclosed 
 with Corinthian bronze. I perceived, moreover, 
 two tables of Indian loadstone, broad and half a 
 palm thick, of blue colour, well polished ; with them 
 all the thickness within the temple-wall was en- 
 graved in the place at which the doors, when en- 
 tirely open, touched the wall. Now, by the strong 
 attraction of the loadstones, the steel plates were 
 put into motion, and consequently the gates were 
 slowly drawn ; however, not always, but when the 
 said loadstone was removed, after which the steel 
 was freed from its power, the two bunches of garlic, 
 which our joyous Lantern had removed by the 
 crimson cord, being at the same time taken away, 
 because it deadens the magnet, and robs it of its 
 attractive virtue. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 369 
 
 On one of the tables above-named, to the right, 
 the following iambic verse was curiously engraven 
 in ancient Roman characters — 
 
 " Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt." 
 
 On the other I saw, to the left, in great letters, 
 elegantly engraved, this sentence — 
 
 TOUTES CHOSES SE MEUVENT EN LEUR FIN. 
 
 When I had read those inscriptions, I admired 
 the beauty of the temple, and considered the in- 
 credible disposition of its pavement, with which 
 no work that is now, or has been under the cope of 
 heaven, can justly be compared, — not if it were that 
 of the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in the time 
 of Sylla ; or the pavement of the Greeks, called 
 Asarotum, laid by Sosistratus in Pergamus. For 
 it was tesserated work, in form of little squares, of 
 fine and polished stones, each in its natural colour. 
 One of red jasper, charmingly spotted. Another 
 of ophite. Another of porphyry. Another of 
 lycophthalmy, powdered with sparks of gold, as 
 small as atoms. Another of agate, streaked here 
 and there with small milk-coloured waves. Another 
 of very costly chalcedony. Another of green 
 jasper, with certain red and yellow veins. And all 
 these were disposed in their places in a diagonal 
 line 
 
 Above the portico, the structure of the pave- 
 2 A 
 
370 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 ment was an emblemature inlaid with small stones 
 in their native colours, to embellish the design 
 of the figures ; and they were ordered in such a 
 manner that you would have thought some vine- 
 leaves had been carelessly strewed on the pave- 
 ment, for in some places they were thick, and thin 
 in others. This infoliature was wonderful in all 
 places : here were seen, as it were in the shade, 
 snails in one place crawling on the grapes ; there, 
 little lizards running on the branches ; here, grapes 
 that seemed yet greenish; there, clusters that 
 seemed full ripe, by such art and device of the 
 architect composed and formed, that they could as 
 easily have deceived the starlings and other birds, 
 as did the painting of Zeuxis. Anyhow, we our- 
 selves were deceived ; for where the artist seemed 
 to have strewn the vine-branches thickest, for fear 
 of striking our feet against them, we walked with 
 great strides, just as people go over an unequal 
 and stony place. 
 
 I then cast my eyes on the vault of the temple, 
 wjth the walls, which were all inlaid with marble, 
 porphyry, and mosaic work ; from one end to the 
 other, beginning on the left of the entry, represent- 
 ing the battle in which the good Bacchus over- 
 threw the Indians. 
 
 While we were considering in ecstasy the won- 
 derful temple and memorable lamps, the venerable 
 Pontiff Bacbuc presented herself to us, with her 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 371 
 
 attendants, joyous and smiling of face ; and seeing 
 us duly accoutred, without difficulty, took us into 
 the middle of the temple, where, under the afore- 
 said lamp, was the fair fantastic fountain. Then 
 she ordered cups, goblets, and glasses to be pre- 
 sented to us, of gold, silver, and crystal, and we 
 were kindly invited to drink of the liquor springing 
 from the fountain. This we very willingly did ; 
 for it was a fountain fantastic, of stuff and work 
 more precious, more rare, and wonderful than ever 
 was dreamed of in the limbo of Plato. 
 
 Its groundwork was of very pure and limpid 
 alabaster, and its height somewhat more than three 
 spans, being a regular heptagon equally measured 
 on the outside, with its stylobates, mouldings, con- 
 tours, and doric undulations about it. Within it 
 was exactly round. On the middle point of each 
 angle stood a hollow pillar in form of a circle of 
 ivory or alabaster. These were seven in number, 
 according to the number of the angles. 
 
 She then ordered her attendants to make us 
 drink ; for, clearly to let you know, we are not like 
 a heap of calves who, as the sparrows only drink 
 when their tails are tapped, so only eat and drink 
 when they are beaten with ropes : never do we 
 refuse anybody who courteously invites us to drink. 
 Then Bacbuc asked us what the drink appeared to 
 us. We replied that it seemed good and fresh 
 spring water, limpid and silvery, more than Argy- 
 
372 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 rondes in ^tolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in 
 Mygdonia, Cydnus in Cilicia, which Alexander of 
 Macedon seeing so fair, so clear, and so cold in the 
 midst of summer, conceived the desire of bathing 
 in it, though he foresaw the evil which would hap- 
 pen to him of this transitory pleasure. 
 
 " Ha ! " said Bacbuc, " see what it is not to con- 
 sider with ourselves, nor to understand the motions 
 of the muscular tongue, when the drink glides 
 on it in its way to the stomach. Tell me, noble 
 pilgrims, are your throats lined, paved, or enam- 
 elled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, named 
 Theutes, that you can have not recognised the 
 taste and flavour of this divine liquor .' Here," said 
 she, "turning towards her gentlewoman, "bring 
 my scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, 
 rake, and clear their palates." 
 
 They brought immediately fair, fat, and joyous 
 hams, fair, fat, and joyous tongues, fair and good 
 hung -beef, botargos, good and fair sausages of 
 venison, and such other throat - sweepers. And, 
 to comply with her invitation, we ate till we 
 confessed our palates well scoured, and ourselves 
 grievously tormented with thirst. Then she said, 
 " Once a Jewish captain, learned and chivalrous, 
 leading his people through the deserts, where they 
 were in danger of being famished, obtained of God 
 some manna, whose taste was to them, by imagina- 
 tion, such as that of meat was to them before in 
 
PANTAGRUEL.. 373 
 
 reality. Thus drinking of this miraculous liquor, 
 you will find its taste like any wine that you shall 
 fancy to drink. Come, then, imagine and drink." 
 We did so ; then Panurge cried out, saying, " Par- 
 dieu ! it is vin de Beaune, better than ever I drank, 
 or may ninety and sixteen devils swallow me. Oh ! 
 to keep its taste the longer, if we had had but 
 necks three cubits long, as Philoxenus desired, or, 
 at least, like a crane's, as Melanthius wished." 
 
 " Foy de Lanternier ! " said Friar John, "it is gal- 
 lant and sparkling Greek wine. Oh, pour Dieu! 
 sweetheart, do but teach me how you make it." 
 
 "To me," said Pantagruel, "it seems wine of 
 Mirevaulx ; for, before I drank, I supposed it to be 
 such. Nothing is wrong in it, but that it is cold, 
 — colder, I say, than the very ice ; colder than the 
 water of Nonacris and Dirce, or the fountain of 
 Contoporia in Corinth, which froze up the stomach 
 and nutritive parts of those who drank of it. 
 
 "Drink once, twice, thrice more," said Bacbuc, 
 "still changing your imagination, and you shall find 
 its taste and flavour to be exactly that which you 
 have imagined. And henceforth say that to God 
 is nothing impossible." 
 
 " We never offered to say such a thing," said I ; 
 " we maintain that He is omnipotent." 
 
 This talk and drinking finished, Bacbuc asked, 
 " Who of you here would have the word of the 
 Dive Bouteille .? " 
 
374 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 " I," said Panurge, " your humble little funnel." 
 
 " Friend," said she, " I have but one thing to tell 
 you, which is, that when you come to the Oracle, 
 you take care to hear the word only with one 
 ear." 
 
 She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound 
 his head with a fair white biggin, clapped over it a 
 filter, such as those through which hypocras is dis- 
 tilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, 
 she put three obelisks, girded him with three bag- 
 pipes bound together, bathed his face thrice in the 
 fountain ; then threw a handful of meal upon him, 
 fixed three cock's feathers on the right side of the 
 hypocratic filter, made him walk nine times round 
 the fountain, caused him to take three little leaps, 
 and to sit seven times on the ground, repeating I 
 know not what conjurations all the while in the 
 Etruscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a 
 ritual, carried after her by one of her mystagogues. 
 
 Thus accoutred, she separated him from our 
 company, and led him by the right hand out of the 
 temple, through a golden gate, into a round chapel 
 made of transparent speculary stones, without win- 
 dow or other opening, in which is received the 
 light of the sun, shining there through the preci- 
 pice of the rock, covering the temple so easily 
 and in such abundance that the light seemed to 
 spring from, not to enter into, the temple. 
 
 In the middle of it was a fountain of fine ala- 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 375 
 
 baster, of heptagonal figure, most artfully wrought, 
 full of water, so clear that it might have passed for 
 element in its simplicity. Within it was placed, to 
 the middle, the sacred Bottle, all covered with pure 
 and fair crystal, of an oval shape, except its mouth, 
 which was somewhat wider than is consistent with 
 that figure. 
 
 There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge 
 stoop and kiss the brink of the fountain ; then bade 
 him rise and dance round it three Bacchic dances. 
 Which done, she ordered him to sit upon the 
 ground, between two stools placed there for that 
 purpose. Then she opened her ritual book, and, 
 whispering in his left ear, made him sing an epi- 
 leneia, as follows : — 
 
 " Bottle divine, 
 
 O'ercharged and full 
 
 With fate and fear : 
 
 I here incline 
 
 One ear too dull 
 
 Thy voice to hear. 
 My heart hangs now on thee : 
 Thy heavenly liquor, fair to see, 
 By the great victor-God's decree 
 The fates and future holds contained. 
 O wine divine, far, far from thee enchained 
 Are falsehoods, lies, pretence, and fond deceits ; 
 Blessed has the soul of Noah since remained, 
 Because he made us sinners know thy svifeets. 
 The answer give whereat all doubt retreats. 
 So may no drop, or white or red, 
 Of thee be wasted, lost, or shed. 
 
376 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 Bottle divine 
 O'ercharged and full 
 With fate and fear : 
 I here incline 
 One ear too dull 
 Thy voice to hear." 
 
 This song finished, Bacbuc threw I do not know 
 what into the fountain, and straight its water began 
 to boil violently, like the great pot at Bourgueil, 
 when it is high holiday. Panurge was listening in 
 silence with one ear, and Bacbuc was beside him 
 on her knees, when from the Holy Bottle issued a 
 noise like that made by bees at their birth in the 
 flesh of a young bull, killed and dressed according 
 to the art of Aristeus, or such as is made when 
 a bolt flies out of a cross-bow, or when a shower 
 falls on a sudden in summer. Immediately after 
 this was heard the word TRINCQ. " Par la verius 
 Dieu ! " cried Panurge, "it is most certainly broken, 
 or cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter ; 
 for even so do crystal bottles speak in our country 
 when they burst near the fire." 
 
 Bacbuc arose, and gently took Panurge under 
 the arms, saying to him, " Friend, render thanks to 
 heaven, as reason requires, — you have promptly the 
 word of the Holy Bottle ; I say the word more 
 joyous, more divine, more certain than any I have 
 ever heard, since I officiated here at her most sacred 
 oracle : rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose gloss 
 is that fair word explained." 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 377 
 
 " Let us go," said Panurge, " de par Dieu ! I am 
 as wise as last year. Explain where is this book. 
 Turn to the place where is this chapter .' Let us 
 see this joyous gloss." 
 
 Bacbuc having thrown I do not know what into 
 the fountain, straight the water ceased to boil ; and 
 then she took Panurge into the greater temple, in 
 the central place, where there was the life-giving 
 fountain. 
 
 There taking a great silver book, in the shape of 
 a half-hogshead, she filled it at the fountain and 
 said to him : " The philosophers, preachers, and 
 doctors of your world feed you with fair words at 
 the ears ; now here we really incorporate our pre- 
 cepts at the mouth. Therefore I do not say to 
 you, read this chapter, see this gloss ; no, I say to 
 you, taste this chapter, swallow this gloss. For- 
 merly an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation ate 
 a book, and became a clerk even to the teeth ! you 
 shall now drink one, and shall become a clerk to 
 the liver. Here, open your mandibules." 
 
 Panurge having his mouth open, Bacbuc took the 
 silver book, at least we took it for a real book, by 
 reason of its form, which was that of a breviary ; 
 but, in truth, it was a breviary : a true and natural 
 flagon, full of Falernian wine, which she made 
 Panurge swallow. 
 
 "Here is," said Panurge, "a notable chapter, a 
 most authentic gloss. Is this all that the word of 
 
378 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 the trismegistian Bottle means ? In troth, I hke it 
 extremely." 
 
 " Nothing more," returned Bacbuc ; " for Trincq 
 is a panomphean word — that is, a word understood 
 and celebrated by all nations, and signifies to us 
 drink. 
 
 " You say in your world that sac is a word com- 
 mon to every tongue, and justly admitted in the 
 same sense among all nations ; for, as .(Esop's fable 
 hath it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, 
 naturally needy, and begging of each other; the 
 most powerful king under heaven cannot be with- 
 out the help of other men, nor is there any poor 
 man so arrogant as to be able to get on without 
 the.rich — yea, were he Hippias the philosopher, who 
 did everything. Much less can any one make 
 shift without drink than without a sack. And here 
 we hold not that laughing, but that drinking, is 
 proper to man. I do not say drinking simply and 
 absolutely, for beasts drink ; I mean drinking wine 
 good and fresh. Note, my friends, that by wine 
 we become divine ; and there is no argument more 
 sure and no act of divination less fallacious. Your 
 academics assert the same, when they make the 
 etymology of wine, which the Greeks call 'OINOS, 
 to be, like vis, strength and power ; for it hath in 
 its power to fill the soul with all truth, all know- 
 ledge, and philosophy. 
 
 " If you have observed what is written in Ionic 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 379 
 
 letters above the temple gate, you may have under- 
 stood that truth is hidden in wine. The Holy 
 Bottle therefore directs you thither; be yourself the 
 expounder of your undertaking." 
 
 "It is impossible," said Pantagruel, "to speak 
 more to the purpose than does this venerable 
 priestess. I said the same to you when you first 
 spoke to me about it. Drink then : what says 
 your soul, carried away with Bacchic enthusiasm ? " 
 
 "Here below," said the priestess, "in these 
 circumcentral regions, we place the sovereign good 
 not in taking and receiving, but in bestowing and 
 giving ; and we esteem ourselves happy, not if we 
 take and receive much of others, as perhaps the 
 sects of teachers do in your world, but rather if we 
 are always imparting to others and giving much. 
 All I have to beg of you is, that you leave us here 
 your names in writing, in this ritual." She then 
 opened a fair and large book, and as we gave our 
 names, one of her mystagogues, with a gold stylus, 
 drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing ; 
 but we could not see any characters. 
 
 This done, she filled three small leather vessels 
 with fantastic water, and giving them to us with 
 her own hands, said : " Go, friends, in the protec- 
 tion of that intellectual sphere, the centre of which 
 is in all places, and the circumference in no place, 
 which we call GOD. And being returned to your 
 world, bear testimony that underground are great 
 
38o READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 treasures and admirable things. And not wrongly 
 did Ceres, once venerated" over all the world, be- 
 cause she showed and taught the art of agriculture, 
 and by invention of wheat abolished among men 
 the brutal nourishment of acorns, so much lament 
 when her daughter was ravished into these subter- 
 ranean regions, as certainly foreseeing that her 
 daughter would find more good things and excel- 
 lencies here below than she herself could ever get 
 above. 
 
 "What has become of the art of calling down 
 from heaven thunder and celestial fire, once in- 
 vented by the wise Prometheus ? You have cer- 
 tainly lost it, — it has departed from your hemis- 
 phere ; but here underground it is in use. And 
 without a cause you are astonished seeing cities 
 burned by thunder and ethereal fire, and are ignor- 
 ant of whom, and by whom, and to what end, 
 came this disturbance, horrible to your sight, but 
 familiar and useful to us. Your philosophers who 
 complain that all things were written by the 
 ancients, and that nothing is left for them to in- 
 vent, are evidently wrong. That which appears to 
 you from heaven and you call phenomena, that 
 which the earth exhibits to you, that which the sea 
 and the rivers contain, is no way comparable with 
 what is hidden underground. 
 
 " Nevertheless, the subterranean sovereign is in 
 nearly every tongue named by an epithet of wealth. 
 
PANTAGRUEL. 38 1 
 
 When philosophers shall give their labour and 
 study to search out, with prayer to the sovereign 
 God (whom the Egyptians named the Hidden, the 
 Concealed, and invoking him by that name, be- 
 sought him to manifest and discover Himself to 
 them), He will grant to them, partly guided by 
 good Lanterns, knowledge of Himself and His crea- 
 tures. For all philosophers and ancient sages have 
 considered two things necessary for the sure and 
 pleasant pursuit of the way of divine knowledge 
 and choice of wisdom, — the goodness of God, and 
 the company of man. 
 
 " So among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Ari- 
 maspes for the companion of his travels ; ^scula- 
 pius. Mercury ; Orpheus, Musaeus ; Pythagoras, 
 Aglaophemus ; and among princes and warriors, 
 Hercules, in his most difficult achievements, had 
 his singular friend Theseus ; Ulysses, Diomedes ; 
 ^neas. Achates : you have done the like, taking 
 for your gui4e your illustrious Lady Lantern. Now 
 go, in the name of God, and may He guide you ! " 
 
 [The meaning of the oracle, as e_xpounded by the priestess, 
 seems plain. In it we see the creed of Rabelais. He 
 differed from the theologians and the speculative scholars 
 of his time in two most important respects. He did not, 
 like Calvin, Luther, and Roussel, take his stand upon the 
 New Testament. He did not, like Dolet and Desperiers, 
 take Cicero for an evangel. He was, in the first place and 
 before all, a student of Nature, a man of science ; and, in 
 the second, a scholar. The Gospel was associated in his 
 
382 READINGS FROM RABELAIS. 
 
 mind with the degradation of the cloister; it belonged to 
 monkery. When he emerged, he left it behind him in the 
 stern religious light of the monastery chapel, and never 
 cared to look at it again. He built up his own religion 
 for himself. God is everywhere : this man's mind was 
 filled with the omnipresence, the perfection, the order, the 
 benevolence of God. Not only in times of danger, but as 
 an act of daily duty, does his wise prince supplicate and 
 revere God the Creator ; while in the harmony of the stars, 
 and in the admirable mechanism of the body, Rabelais, 
 astronomer, physicist, and anatomist, saw not only a physical 
 order of which human intellect can grasp only portions, but 
 he deduced also, by analogy, the laws which should govern 
 societies and individuals. The conduct of life should be 
 ruled, had we the knowledge, in strict accordance with the 
 laws of nature. It is man's first duty to acquire knowledge, 
 to give and impart knowledge, like the inhabitants of Lan- 
 tern Land : there is nothing in all the world worth having 
 but knowledge, and especially physical science. Let every 
 man possess his soul with cheerfulness ; let him eat ; let 
 him drink ; let him enjoy the golden sunshine and the 
 purple wine ; let him sing, laugh, and talk with his fellows ; 
 let him exhort and be exhorted continually to study, to the 
 practice of research, to patience, and to charity; let him 
 have faith in the Divine Creator. .Live according to the 
 laws of the world. Nature laughs. God rules in sunshine. 
 And about the soul? and about a.future world? Go ask 
 your oracles, says Rabelais, and see what answer they will 
 give. But the good God, who has created this wondrous 
 cosmos, who gives us His continual grace to make us love 
 learning and each other, reigns. Let us trust Him, because 
 there is none other that fighteth for us.] 
 
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