^atnell Iniuerattij Stbrarg 3tt;ara, New ^orfe FROM THE BENNO LOEWY LIBRARY COLLECTED BY BENNO LOEWY I854-I919 BEQUEATHED TO CORNELL UNIVERSITY Cornell University Library PS 1535.S8 The SquJbob papers. 3 1924 021 997 493 Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31 924021 997493 A Side Blbtation or G. WASsmaTON.— See page 39. {not by Gilbert Stuart.) THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. BY JOHN PHCENIX. [GAPT. GEO. ±t. DERBY.] AUTHOR or " PHfENIXIANA." WITH COMIC ILLTJSTBATIONS BY THE AUTHOE. NEW YORK : CARLETOJV, PUBLISHER, 413 BROADWAY. MDCCCLXV. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by G. W. CAELBTON, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of New York. TO GEN. GEO. B. McCLELLAN, THE FEIENT) AKD CLASSMATE OF THE AtTTHOB, THESE SKETOHES ARE AFPECTIONATELT DEDICATED. CONTENTS. I. rOUUTH OF JULY ORATION IN OB.EGON . . .13 II. A CALIFORNIA MODEL LOVE LEITEB ... 43 in. ON SPRINGFIELD MOUNTAIN ... • . 45 IV. PHENIX ON AGRICnLTUKE 63 V. NEVER TOLD A LIE 56 VI. SEWING MACHINE FELINE ATTACHMENT. . . 58 VII. PHENIX ON WET WEATHER 64 VIII. WARRE-LTKE BALLADE OF TE ASIOUNDEDDE DOCTOR 71 IX. LIFE IN PANAMA 104 X. A TRIP TO OREGON 109 XI. BnTTERPIELD AT THE BALL 116 XII. SQUIBOB'S " COMPOSITION OF ARMIES " . . 129 XIII. BOSTON — A MORAL CUT 138. XIV. A JOURNEY PROM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS . 145 XV. NEW ORLEANS — ITS HOTEL 162 XVI. MATTERS AND THINGS IN SAN FRANCISCO. . . 178 XVII. JOHN RANDOLPH OF ROANOKE .... 184 XVnl. THE GYROSCOPE. A REVIEW .... 186 XIX. THE SONG OF " NOTHIN' SHORTER" . . . 190 XX. MASSACHUSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIATION . . . 198 XXI. THE LEGEND OF JONES 206 TTXTt. REPORT OF A SCIENHFIO LECTURE . . . 215 XXm. GREAT RAILEOAD PROJECT 223 XXIV. TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEERS. .... 227 XXV. ON CLIPPER SHIPS 238 XSVI. A LETTER OF CREDIT 241 XXVn. PANNIERS • . . 244 LIST OF ILLITSTEATIONS. 1. POETBAIT OP G. WASHDreiON .... 1 n. lEPTENAJIT OABTBB AND HIS SON .... 45 m. THE PIZEN SABPENT 46 IV. TBNGEAifOE, SWIFT AND SUKB .... 41 T. THE GEIBF OS MOLLY BLAND 48 VL ZEBUBBABEL IN TEAItS 49 Tn. THE STEICKBN FAMILT 50 Vm. THE LAST SAD BITES 51 rx. EXIT ZEEUBBABEL AND MOLLY BLAND ... 52 X SEWINQ-MAOHniB — FELINE ATTACHMENT . . 62 XL XB ASTOUNDED DOOTOB — SEYENTEEN ILLUSTEATIONS 12 Zn. DAEK DTFANTEY 129 Xm. AETILLEEY PEACHOB — AN ASS-SATTLT . . . 129 XTV. A NEW STYLE OF SEDAN-OHAIB .... 200 XT. FANNIEBS 200 " In the name of the Peophet — FIGS I " THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. I. FOTJETH OF JTJLT ORATION" IN OREGON. " Fort Vancouver, TV. T., June 15, 1856, "John Phcenix, Esq., Sergt. Major, etc. " Dear Sik : — I am requested by a number of your brother officers, and other gentlemen, to so- licit you to deliver the oration at the celebration of the approaching Fourth of July, at this post. " Very respectfully, " Tour friend and obdt. servt., « H. C. H., " 1st Lieut 4th Infantry." "Portland, Oh! Tea, June, 1856. " Deak Sir : — I have the honor to acknowl- edge the receipt of your very polite invitation to 14 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. address a number of my brother officers, and oth- er gentlemen, on the coming glorious anniversary, at Vancouver. " In the words of a celebrated Roman emperor, when asked to take a drink, I reply, ' I will do it with great pleasure,' and shall immediately pre- pare myself for the discharge of the agreeable duty thus devolving upon me. " Your invitation, Sir, arrived upon a most op- portune occasion. Eighty years (or thereabouts) ago, this day, our respected ancestors marched up the side of Breed's Hill by a flank, to the follow- ing spirit-stirring tune : • Oh ! tweedle dum twee. Oh. ! tweedle dum twee. Oh ! tweedle-tweedle, tweedle dum twee.' And after getting there, feeling sick at their stom- achs from fatigue, threw up a line of breastworks and trenches, that took the British very particularly by surprise. Behind those breastworks, sir, our gal- lant ancestors stood shoulder to shoulder, and re- FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 15 ceived the red-coated minions of the British mon- arch with a galhng and destructive fire, that caus- ed them to retreat in confusion. Three successive times was the attack repeated, and three succes- sive times were the British mercenaries repulsed. At the fourth attempt, Sir^ our ancestors suddenly remembered certain business engagements in the country which could no longer be neglected, and they had not time to remain and see the matter through. They left ; and a mingled mass of cow- hide boots and shirt-tails fluttering in the distance, was aU the British could descry, when, out of breath, perfectly exhausted, they arrived on the summit of Breed's. This great engagement, Sir, was named the battle of Bunker Hill, on account of its not having occurred on a hill of that name, and a monument two hundred feet high has been erected on the spot, from the top of which a man once fell, and knocked the whole top off of his derned eternal head. Sir ! " From the top of this monument now floats the 16 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. glorious spang-dangled stanner of our country, and long may it wave. " Please, Sir, to accept tte renewed assurances of the most distinguished consideration. Carry and Stevens ! " With singular respect, I remain " Your most obdt. servt., " John Phcenix. "Lieut. H. Sea H., " 1st. Lieut. 4tli V. S. Foot " Vancouver, W. Tea." ©ration: : DELTVEKED AT FORT VANOOTJVEK W. T.jON THE FOOTITH OF JITLT, 1856, BY JOHN PHCENIX, £ S. D., SERGEANT MAJOR, EIQHTT- IHIRD EEQIMENT, OREGON TEBHITORT LIGHT MULES. " Brother Soujiers and Fellow Citizens : — I feel honored by the call that I have received and . accepted to deliver on this great occasion, the glo- rious anniversary of our nation's independence, the customary oration. The word oration signifying a public address, I have reason to believe has a mil FOUKTH OF JULY ORATION. 17 itary origin. It originated in a custom once prev- alent among commanding officers and chaplains, of making long and verbose addresses to the troops, which were stigmatized as ' all talk and no rations,' whence the word noration, modernized into ora- tion. The term address has also a similar origin, it having been the custom for the troops to be dress- ed to the right before the oration was delivered. From the word noration is derived the common expression — common in the sweet and classic vales of Pike — ' to norate.' Thus we hear an individ- ual wishing to refer to an anecdote related to him in early life by his grandmother, say, ' I hurd her narrate if " This explanation may appear irrelevant and uninteresting ; but I never lose an opportunity to impart a little valuable information. " Brother soldiers and feUow citizens : It is the Fourth of July. This morning, at half-past two o'clock, every inhabitant of this great, free, and enlightened republic, amounting in number to sev- eral millions, was awakened from a sleep by the 18 THE SQDIBOB PAPEES. discharge of cannon, the explosion of fire-crackers, and the continued and reiterated shouts of little boys, and children of larger growth. From that time until four o'clock sleep has been rendered im- possible, and every inhabitant of this republic has had an opportunity to reflect with gratitude and thankfulness on the wisdom of our progenitors, and the greatness of our institutions ; until at that hour the bells of every church, meeting-house, fac- tory, steam-boat, and boarding-house throughout the land, beginning to pour forth a merry and uni- versal peal, joining in the glad anthem of our na- tion's independence, every citizen has got up, put on his pantaloons, taken a cock-tail, and com- menced the celebration of the day in good earnest. " Throughout our whole vast extent of country, from Hancock Barracks, Houlton, Maine, where they pry the sun up in the morning, to Fort Yuma on the Colorado River, where the thermometer stands at 212o in the shade, and the hens lay hard hard-boiled eggs, this day will be a day of hilarity, of frolicking and rejoicing. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 19 " Processions will be formed, churches will be thronged, orations will be delivered, (many of them, possibly, of a superior character to this of mine,) the gallant militia, that right arm of our national defence, will pervade the streets in as- tounding uniforms, whereof it may be said that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Small boys will fire pistols and bum their fingers ; large boys will fire cannon and blow off their arms ; men will guzzle inebriating li- quors, and become much intoxicated thereby ; and a mighty shout will go up from the land, which, if the wind happens to be in the right direction, will cause the Emperor Alexander to tremble in his boots, and the 'young Napoleon to howl in his silver cradle. For on this day the great Ameri- can eagle flaps her wings, and soars aloft, until it makes your eyes sore to look at her, and looking down upon her myriads of free and enlightened children, with flaming eye, she screams, 'jE Pluri- bus Unum,^ which may be freely interpreted, ' Aint I some ? ' and myriads of freemen answer 20 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. back with joyous shout: 'You are punkins!' On this glorious day, joy, good feeling, and good nature animate each breast ; babies cease to cry, ladies cease to scold, all is amiability ; and I hesi- tate not to say, that were the commanding gene- ral of this Division on this day to ask the Governor of Oregon for a chew of tobacco, he would hand over the whole plug without a moment's delay or hesitation. And what is the cause of this general rejoicing, this universal hilarity, this amiable state of feeling, this love and veneration for this partic- ular day of all days in the year — a day when the native American forgets all prejudices, and, though loving his country better than aught else, feels well disposed toward every thing beside — a day that our German population respect and speak of as ' more better as good ' — a day which Pat, who believes one man is as good as another, and a mighty sight better, reverences as he does ' Saint Patrick's in the morning ' — a day when aught un- pleasant is forgotten, and mirth, and jollity, and fire-crackers abound. I will endeavor to inform FOURTH OF JTOT OKATION. 21 you. Many years ago, before Vancouver was ever born or thought of, when the present magnificent city of Portland was but a wild forest of fir tim- ber, and the waters of these mighty rivers, now daily ploughed by the splendid steamer ' Eagle,' were navigated by the Indian chief Multnomah in his dug-out, provisioned with salmon and whortle- berries, there dwelt in the far-off city of Genoa, a worthy merchant named Daniel Lumbus, who prosecuted his business as a dealer in velvets, un- der the name and style of Lumbus & Co. " This merchant, at a somewhat advanced age, was blest with a son of great promise, whom, out of compliment to his partners, he named Christo- pher Co Lumbus. From his earliest infancy this youth showed an ardent desire for a maritime life : and old Lumbus gratified his inclinations by send- ing him to sea. " In those days popular opinion turned to the belief that this world on which we live was a large square table, or plane surface, supported on col- umns of rocks, which extended all the way down. 22 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Columbus, however, dissented from this opinion, and helieving the earth to be a globe or ball, de- cided in his own mind that it might be feasible to start in a given direction, aud sail clear round it, returning to the point of departure. Having com- municated these views to Isabella, the Queen of Arragon, that lady, who was somewhat of an en- thusiast, and had a srong conviction that Colum- bus was ' one of them," sold her hoop ear-rings and other jewelry, and fitted out three top-sail schooners, of which she gave him the command. " With these vessels, Christopher sailed in 1492, and after the most unheard-of trials and difficul- ties, encountering many head-winds, and much op- position from his crew, finally discovered the West India Islands, whence he immediately returned with a cargo of rum and sugar. This extraordi- nary discovery being noised abroad, a Spanish cap- tain, who from his jovial disposition was called A Merry Cuss, sailed away, and discovered this con- «tinent, which, fi-om its discoverer, derived the name of America. Then New England was dis- FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 23 covered by John Cabot, and Virginia by Walter Ealeigh, who also discovered tobacco, and gave himself dyspepsia by smoking it to excess, and Pocahontas was discovered by John Smith, and South Carolina by Calhoun. " Emigration from Great Britian and other countries then commenced, and continued to a tremendous extent, and all our fore-fathers, and eight grandfathers, came over and settled in the land. " They planted corn and built houses, they killed the Indians, hung the Quakers and Bap- tists, burned the witches alive, and were very hap- py and comfortable indeed. So matters went on very happily, the colonies thus formed owing alle- giance to the government of Great Britain until the latter part of the eighteenth century, when a slight change took place in their arrangements. The king of Great Britain, a Dutchman of the name of George Guelph, No. 3, having arrived at that stage of life when Dutchmen generally, if at all inclined that way, naturally begin to give way 24 THE SQtJIBOB PAPERS. to ill-temper and obstinacy, became of a sudden exceedingly overbearing and ill-disposed toward tbe colonies. He had offenders sent to England to be tried ; he was down on a bank and a protective tariff, and began to be considered little better than an abolitionist. He also put iu effect an ordinance called the Stamp Act, which prevented applause in places of public amusement, prevented the protec- tion of cattle against flies, and interfered with the manufacture of butter ; and he finally capped the climax of his audacious impositions by placing such a tremendous duty on tea, that our female ancestors could not afford to drink that exhilara- ting beverage. Our ancestors were patient and long-suffering, but they could not stand every thing. " Souchong and Young Hyson cost about twelve-and-a-half cents a cup ; and our grand- mothers were weeping with vexation, and would not be comforted with herb-tea and decoctions of sassafras. They annoyed our grandfathers to that extent that they rebelled, got up a Vigilance Com- FOURTH OF JULY OBATION. 25 mittee in Boston, and destroyed two cargoes of English tea, and were fired on by the British troops in consequence. Then the whole country flew to arms ; the hattles of Concord and of Lex- ington followed, and our grandfathers went march- ing up to the tune of Yankee Doodle to the top of Bunker's Hill, whence they did not march down until they had given the British troops a most fearful and ever-to-be-remembered whipping. By this time it suddenly occurred to some of the smartest of our respectable ancestors that it was a good long way to the little island of England, that there was a good many people in the provinces, and that perhaps they were quite as able to gov- ern theipselves as George Guelph No. 3 was to govern them. They accordingly appointed dele- gates from the various Provinces or States, who, meeting together in Philadelphia on the fourth day of July, 1776, decided to trouble the King of Eng- land no longer, and gave to the world that glori- ous Declaration of Independence, to the support of which they pledged their lives, their fortunes, 2 26 THE SQUIBOB FAPEKS. and their sacred honor. This was the birth-day of Freedom — the birth-day of the United States, now eighty years of age ; and as there are few of us but feel some inclination to celebrate our own birth-day, there can be little wonder that we cele- brate the birth-day of our country in so joyous, earnest, and enthusiastic a manner. " Love of country is strongly impressed on eve- ry mind ; but, as Americans, we should and in fact do have this feeling more strongly developed than any other citizens of the world. For our country is a free country ; its institutions are wise and liberal, and our advantages as its natives are greater than those of other citizens. To be sure, every body can vote two or three times ,in some places ; it is true taxes are four and a half per cent on the amount of our property ; it's a fact that it's difficult to get scrip paid ; there's no disputing the existence of the Maine Liquor Law ; and we do occasionally have a mob ; but these are er- rors not arising from the principles of our gov- ernment, but from circumstances, and they will rOUKTH OF JULY ORATION. 27 finally obviate and correct themselves. Upon the whole, I believe that a man has quite as much chance for a life of happiness if born under the glorious stars and stripes as if he happened to be bom anywhere else, and perhaps a little more. We elect our own rulers, and make our own laws, and if they don't turn out well, it's very easy at the next election to make others in their place. Every body has a chance for distinction in this country ; nothing is wanting but natural ability to attain it ; and Mrs. Laving Pike's baby, now lying with a cotton-flannel shirt on, in a cham- pagne basket, in Portland, O. T., has just as good a chance of being president of the United States, as the imperial infant of France, now sucking his royal thumbs in his silver cradle at Paris, has of being an emperor. I do not wish to flatter this audience ; I do not intend to be thought particu- larly complimentary ; but I do assure you, that there is not a man present who, if he had votes enough, might not be elected president of the United States. And this important fact is the re- 28 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS suit not SO much of any particular merit or virtue on your part, as of the nature of our glorious, lib- eral, republican institutions. " In this great and desirable country, any man may become rich, provided he will make money ; and man may be well educated, if he will learp, and has money to pay for his board and schooling ; and any man may become great, and of weight in the community, if he will take care of his health, and eat sufficiently of boiled salmon and potatoes. " Moreover, I assert it unblushingly, any man in this country may marry any woman he pleases — the only difficulty being for him to find any wo- man that he does please. " Fellow-citizens and brother soldiers : It is the Fourth of July ; it is Independence Day — a day dear to every freeman, an anniversary which is good to celebrate, as it will be celebrated till time shall cease, and the Union shall perish with it. " Every boy in these United States knows the origin of this glorious day. Small sums of mon- FOtTErH OF JULY ORATION. 29 ey, varying from twelve-and-a-half cents to a dol- lar and a half, according to the financial prosperi- ty of their parents, have been annually given them to expend on this occasion, which indelibly impress the fact upon their memories, and lead them to look fofward with pleasure to its return. One of my earliest and most cherished recollec- tions is of my exploits on the first Fourth of July that I can remember, when, with patriotic fervor, I purchased a leaden cannon, which, exploding prematurely, burned off my hair and eye-brows, and put an end to the existence of a favorite cat of my aunt's that peacefully reclined, watching my operations. It is considered by many a duty to become intoxicated on the Fourth of July. I remember hearing a distinguished Senator express his opinion, ' that any man who did not get drunk on the Fourth of July was a damned rascal.' Without fully coinciding in this novel hypothesis, I can truly say, that I consider it the duty of every freeman to enjoy himself to the full limits of his capacity on this glorious occasion, and if 30 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. there are, as I dare say there are, individuals to whom getting drunk is the acme of human felici- ty, why, if they do allow themselves to be carried away on this day, there is surely more excuse for them than there would be on any less joyous occa- sion. An anecdote that went the round of the papers a few years since is amusing and interest- ing, as showing the independent feeling engen- dered in the minds of all classes by the arrival of the glorious Fourth. " A parsimonious merchant who, I regret to say, flourished in Boston, kept his counting-room open on Independence Day, where he sat with his clerk, a boy of ten or twelve years of age, bu^ over his accounts, while the noise and uproar of the celebration were resounding without. Look- ing up from his employment, he perceived the un- fortunate youth, perched upon his high stool, en- gaged in picking his nose, a practice that the mer- chant had frequently reprobated, and taken him to task for. " ' William,' he exclaimed, * why will you per- FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 31 sist in that dirty practice ? I am astonished at you.' " ' I don't care,' whimpered the unhappy boy. ' It's Independence day, and it's my own nose, and I'll pick thunder out of it.' " An excellent custom prevails in many cities of the United States to celebrate the close of this day with a grand exhibition of fire-works. This is not only a beautiful and exciting spectacle, but, to the thinking mind, presents a refined pleasure in the analogy that is suggested ; for he may think to himself that, as the day ends, so will end the lives of the enemies of freedom and the incendiary •abolitionists, who threaten with parricidal efforts the union of these States. They will be followed by a grand display of fire-works in another world, if there is any truth in the orthodox doctrines of the age. I have never known a Fourth of July oration delivered, and I have listened to many, without a full and complete biography of the im- mortal Washington being given before its conclu- sion. It may appear a slightly hackneyed custom, 32 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. but I shall certainly not let you go off without it. At the risk of appearing tedious, I shall there- fore request your patience for a few moments, while I read from the ' Clatrap Cyclopedia,' by Professor Tube Rose, the following beautiful trib- ute to the memory of this greatest of men : [fbom ttjbe kose's ameeioan biogeapht.] " ' GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON. " George Washington was one of the most distinguished movers in the American Revolution. " He was born of poor but honest parents, at Genoa, in the year 1492. His mother was called the mother of Washington. He married, early in life, a widow lady, Mrs. Martha Custis, whom Prescott describes as the cussidest pretty woman south of Mason and Dixon's line. Young Wash- ington commenced business as a county-surveyor, and was present iif that character at a sham fight, under General Braddock, when so many guns were fired that the whole body of militia were stunned by the explosion, and sate down to supper FOURTH OF JULY OEATION. 33 unable to hear a word that was said. This sup- per was afterward alluded to as Braddock's deaf eat, and the simile, ' deaf as a Braddock,' subse- quently vulgarized into ' deaf as a haddock,' had its rise from that circumstance, Washington commanded several troops during the Revolution- ary war, and distinguished himself by fearlessly crossing the Delaware river on ice of very inade- quate thickness, to visit a family of Hessians of his acquaintance. He was passionately fond of green peas and string beans ; and his favorite motto was : ' In time of peace prepare for war.' " Washington's most intimate friend was a French gentleman, named Marcus Dee, who, from his constant habits of risibility, was nick-named ' Laughy yet.^ His greatest victory was achieved at Germantown, where, coming upon the British in the night, he completely surrounded them with a wall of cotton bales, from which he opened a destructive and terrific fire, which soon caused the enemy to capitulate. The cotton bales being perforated with musket-balls were much increased 2» 34 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. in weight, and consequently in value, and the ex- pression, playfully used, ' What is the price of cotton ? ' was much in vogue after the battle. " During the action, Washington might have been seen driving up and down the lines, exposed to a deadly fire, in a small Concord wagon, drawn by a bob-tailed gray horse. His celebrated dis- patch, ' Veni, vidi, vici' or, I came and saw in a Concord wagon, has reference to this circum- stance. "Washington has been called the 'Father of his country ; ' (an unapt title, more properly be- longing to the late Mr. McCluskey, parent of the celebrated pugilist ;) the child has grown, how- ever, to that extent that its own father would not know it. General Walker (William Walker) is also called the ' Father of Nicaragua,' and we have no doubt, in case of his demise, his children, the native Nicaraguans, would erect a suitable monument over his remains, with the inscription, ' Go, father, and fare worse.' " Washington was a member of the Know- FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 35 Nothing order, and directed that none but Amer- icans should be put on guard, which greatly an- noyed the Americans, their comfort being entirely destroyed by perpetual turns of guard-duty. " He was twice elected President of the United States by the combined Whig and Know-Nothing parties, the Democrats and Abolitionists voting against him ; and served out his time with great credit to himself and the country — drawing his salary with a regularity and precision worthy all commendation. " Although, for the time in which he lived, a very distinguished man, the ignorance of Wash- ington is something perfectly incredible. He nev- er travelled on a steam-boat ; never saw a rail- road, or a locomotive engine ; was perfectly igno- rant of the principle of the magic of the magnetic telegraph ; never had a daguerreotype, Colt's pistol. Sharp's rifle, or used a friction match. He eat his meals with an iron fork, never used postage- stamps on his letters, and knew nothing of the ap- plication of chloroform to alleviate suffering, or the 36 THE SQTJIBOB PAPEKS. use of gas for illumination. Such a man as this could hardly be elected president of the United States in these times, although, it must be con- fessed, we occasionally have a candidate who proves not much better informed about matters in general. " "Washington died from exposure on the sum- mit of Mount Vernon, in the year 1786, leaving behind him a name that will endure forever, if posterity persist in calling their children after him to the same extent that has been fashionable. He is mentioned in history as having been ' first in peace, first in war, and first in the hearts of his countrymen ; ' in other words, he was No. 1 in every thing, and it was equally his interest and his pleasure to look oijt for that number, and he took precious good care to do so. A portrait, by Gilbert Stuart, of this great soldier and statesman may be seen, very badly engraved, on the ' Histo- ry of the United States ; ' but as it was taken when the general was in the act of chewing tobac- co, the left cheek is distended out of proportion, (See Frontispiece.) FOURTH OF JUL-Y OEATION. 37 and the likeness rendered very unsatisfactory. Upon the whole, General George "Washington . was a very excellent man ; though unfamiliar with ' Scott's Infantry Tactics,' he was a tolerable offi- cer ; though he married a widow, he was a fond husband ; and though he did not know the Beech- er family, (and would have despised them if he had,) he was a sincere Christian. " E PLUKIBUS TJNUM. " A monument has been commenced in the city of Washington to his memory, which is to be five hundred feet in height ; and it should be the wish of every true-hearted American that his virtues and services may not be forgotten before it is com- pleted ; in which case, their remembrance will probably endure forever. " Accustomed as I am to public speaking, it has been with no ordinary distrust of my own pow- ers that I have ventured to address you to-day. Standing beneath the waving banner of our coun- try, with Mount Hood towering in snow-crowned 38 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. magnificence above our heads, and the broad bo- som of the noble Columbia spread in calm expanse at our feet, I see before me an attentive audience composed of individuals whose interest I am proud to awaken and command. I see before me some who have borne no undistinguished part in the bloody but most righteous war now raging in our vicinity ; I see men who have pushed the war in- to the enemy's country with the gallant Haller, and returned with him when he thought, perhaps, it would be about as well to leave ; who accom- panied the daring and skilful Raines, when intre- pidly rushing with drawn sword at the head of his troops into Father Pandosy's hut, he wrote that letter to the humbled Kamiakin ; men who have planned and built block-houses, which serve alike as refuges from the attacks of the savage and mer- ciless foe, and imperishable monuments of archi- tectural taste and refinement. These services, which have brought this war so nearly to a close, (for already the Sun of peace may be seen gilding the clouds in the east preparatory to rising,) are FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 39 well worthy of commendation ; and no better oc- casion can be found to recapitulate and commemo- rate them tlian the present. " Where are the gallant volunteers on this' oc- casion, our tried and trusty comrades in the hour of danger — men who, at the call of their coun- try, cast aside the frivolous axe, the enervating hoe, and the trifling pick, and, springihg into their eighty-dollar saddles, shouldered their fifty-dollar rifles, and spurred their three-hundred dollar horses into the wild plains of the Walla Walla, and there desperately and recklessly encamped ? To what destruction were many of these daring spirits exposed, forced by the attacks of famine and the scarcity of fresh beef to live for -weeks together on hard bread and pickled pork ? They might yet have kept together had the whiskey still held out ; but alas ! like the early cloud and the morning dew, it passed away, and even the jar that contained the ears of P. P. Mox Mox was exhausted ! Then they returned — slowly and sadly they returned — and those who had 40 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. never been peppered in service were mustered ont. Like the prophets of old, they went forth with their staff and their scrip ; but the staff soon re- signed their commissions, and the scrip has not yet been paid. But, by the blessing of Heaven and Samt Pike, that consummation, so devoutly to be wished, will yet be arrived at. The scrip will be paid, and we shall see Pike flourishing like a green bay horse. " The toils and dangers of the war will be for- gotten : in the elegant luxury and refinement of their homes, hardships will be looked back upon with pleasure ; the physical suffering and results of exposure will yield to skilful treatment, and those who have suffered from sleeping on hard beds in the wilderness, can now console themselves by lying on wool. " In future times, when by some impartial his- torian the present Oregon war is faithfully depict- ed, posterity, as it peruses the volume, will drop a tear o'er the picture of the sufferings of those no- ble volunteers that wallowed in the Walla Walla rOURTH or JULY ORATION. 41 valley, and their intrepid march into that country, and their return, will excite a thrill of admiration as an adventure never equaled even by Napoleon H. Bonaparte, when he effected the passage of the Alps. But the war will soon be ended ; it is even now drawing to a close. The completion of the Pacific railroad, which may be looked upon as certain in the course of the next fifty years, in- creasing our facilities for transportation of arms and supplies, will undoubtedly have a most favor- able effect ; and I look upon it as a matter of Ht- tle doubt that, three or four hundred years from this time, hostilities will have ceased entirely, and the Indians will have been liberally treated with, and become quiet and valuable members of our society. The influence of that glorious banner will have been felt by them ; they will have been made to see stars ; they will have been compelled to feel stripes ; and all will be peace and harmony, love and joy among them. Four hundred, years from 42 THE SQtJIBOB PAPEKS. this time, the descendants of Kamiakin will be celebrating with our posterity the recurrences of this glorious day, with feelings of interest and de- light. While to-day that great chief, moved by feelings of animosity toward us, sits and gnaws the gambrel-joint of a defunct Cayuga pony, little knowing on which side of his staff of life the ole- aginous product of lactation is disseminated. But long after that time shall arrive, centuries and cen- turies after our difficulties shall have been settled, and the scrip, with accumulated interest, paid, may our glorious institutions continue to flourish, may the Union be perpetuated forever in perfect bonds of strength and fatemal affection, and the " Stae-spanqled banner continue to ware O'er the land of the free and the home of the hraYO." MTBIO BT THE BAND. II. A CALIFOKNIA « MODEL LOVE-LETTER." Mariesville July fore 1856. Dear Gate, you know I luv you mor an any uther Girle in the World, and wat's the Reson you allways want Me to tell you so. I no you ar almost gitting tired of waiting for me ; I no you luv me fit to brake your hart. I no we ort to git marid, but how kin we if we kant — sa ! Wat's the use in thinkin bout it. I thort wen I sold mi mule that I wud have nough to pay the precher and by you nice goun. But I tried mi luk at poker and got strapt the fust nite. Gate, you never played poker — in korse not. Wei, it's a confounded mity nice game as long as you kin sit behind a smorl par ; but when you kant get a par, the pot's gone. I luv you so much, Gate, that I allmost hav a notion to sel me 1 horse wagin and buck a nite or 2 at farow ; but how kin I — sa ! 44 THE SQTJIBOB PAPEES. Mi whol wagin wudent fech more an fore or 5 good staks. ile go back to the mountings an work and dig and swet and do every thing I kin to get money to git marid. I ain't any ways gai- ns, Gate, but pleze don't hug and kiss and set on J n B s lapp any noor. you know he ain't worth shaks, he kant drink mor an 3 homes 'thout gittin tite ; I kin stand up under fiftey. You know I kin lick him 2, and hav dun it and kin do it agin. But I ain't a bit gelus, I no I out to marid long ago. leven years is rether long to kort a gal, but ile hav you yit Gate. Good by, till next we meet. Your afFeckunate Lover, D G . Note a bena, good-by agin. Run that feller off. 2th P. S. I'm nat a bit gelus, Gate; but don't let him cum bout the house. M^ LBPTEiTAirr Cabteh AMD HIS SoN. — See page 4:5, ON SPRINGFIELD MOUNTING. 45 ON Springfield Mounting, thar did dwell A likely youth, I knowed him well ; Leftenant Carter's only son, A comely youth, nigh twenty-one. 46 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. 11. ONE Monday mornin, he did go, Intew the meadow for to mow ; And all ter once, he thar did feel A pizen sarpent bite his heel. The Pizen Sakpent. — See page 46. Venoeaitoe, Swift and &\ivce.— Seepage 4T. ON BPKINGFIELD MOUNTING. 47 III. QUICK as he felt the sarpent bite He raised his scythe, with all his might He struck ter once a deadly blow, That laid the pizen creeter low. 48 THE SQUIBOB PAPEK3. IV. HE tuk the riptyle in his hand, And straight he went tew Molly Bland ; Oh ! Molly, Molly, here you see A pizen sarpent, what bit me. The Gbiep op Molly 'B^a:sj).— See page 48. Zebttbeabel in Tears, — See page 4S. ON SPRINGFIELD MOUNTING. 49 ZERUBBABEL, why did ye go, Intu the meadow for to mpw ? Oh ! Molly Bland, I thought you knowed 'Twas Daddy's field, and must be mowed. 50 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. VI. THEN Molly Bland, she squatted down, And sucked the pizen from the wound ; But oh ! she had a rotten tewth : The venim soon affected both. The Steioken Pamilt. — See page 50. The Last Sad Eitbs. — Seepage 51. ON SPRINGFIELD MOUNTING. 51 vn. OH, then they ware all spotted o'er With all the colors that the sarpent wore , They laid 'em both upon a bed, And they swelled up and di-i-ed 1 52 THE SQX3IB0B PAPEES. VIII. THEN when they had gin up the ghost, From " Springfield Mounting " they went post ; And they larfed, and sung, as up they went. As chipper, as if there wa'nt no pizen Sar-^ew^. Exit Zebvebasel abd Molly Blahd. — Seepage 52, IV. PHCENIX ON AGRICULTURE. San Francisco, Feb'y 7, 1856. Col. J. L. Warken, Sec. Cal. State Ag. Society : •M"£ Dear Sir : I have the honor to ackn owledge the receipt, this day, of your very poUte and flat- tering invitation (dated Aug. 25, 1855,) to deliv- er a poem of my own composition before the An- nual meeting of the State Agricultural Society, in September last. Though somewhat diffident re- garding my powers in the poetical line, (feeling in fact very much like the Irishman immortalized by Miller, who when asked if he could play upon the fiddle, replied that " he presumed he could, 'though he had never tried,") I shall accept the invitation, and shall endeavor to discharge the du- ty devolving upon me to the best of my ability. You do me more than justice in supposing that I take a strong interest in the newly developed re- sources of our glorious State, in an agricultural 64 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. point of view ; and I have in fact, as you may be aware, devoted some little time to the pleasing science of horticulture in my endeavors to show up the greens of California. I see nothing to regret in the arrival of your invitation, it gives me sufBcient time to prepare, ' and I doubt not, that by the return of last Sep- tember I shall be able to present to the Society a poem that will be among poems, what Niagara is among cataracts, or Oregon among civilized na- tions. ■ I already begin to feel a grand agricultural, floral horticultural, and pomological poetic fervor steal- ing over me, under the influence of which, I have without much effort composed the following admi- rable lines as a beginning : Here's to the land of potatoes and carrots, Whose banks grow wild, rich bacon and parrots; Where each apple and pear a dollar apiece is. And a man may devour just as much as he pleases; (Spoken — ff lie's the money to pay for them.) Where the soil is teeming with vegetable treasures. And a pumpkin ten feet in circumference measures; Where to root up a turnip, an ox team employed is; PHCENIX ON AGEICULTUEE. 55 By each laborer a very large salary enjoyed is; (Play on the word celery.) And kind Colonel Warren, with interest watches The growth of his parsley and marrowfat squashes, And stirs up the farmers, and gives them rules of action, and incentives to exertion, and constantly teaches. How they ought not to let Oregon get ahead of them, but es- tablish nurseries at once where they could raise at very trifling expense, all kinds of grafted fruit, pears and apples, and cher- ries and the most delicious peaches, &c. , &c., &c. That last line seems a little exuberant, probably it results from the rich nature of the soil, but there is plenty of time to apply the pruning knife. Thanking you heartily for your kindness and pre- senting my compliments to the Society, to whom I beg you will communicate my acceptance of their poKte invitation, I remain. With great respect and esteem Your friend and ob't serv't. Squibob. V. NEVER TOLD A LIE. Small Joe L was playing one sunny morning in a yard at the rear of his residence, when essaying to cast a stone high in air, he found he had miscalculated his strength, or the weight of the stone, as that missile slipped from his fingers, and taking an entirely different direction from that intended, went whack through a pane of glass in the neighbor's window. Mrs. Connolly, who was en- gaged in washing in the kitchen, hearing the smash of glass in her spare room, rushed hastily to the scene of action, and through the broken pane beheld Joe in active retreat. Irate and in- dignant, the injured matron sought the presence of Mrs. L , and straight poured forth the sto- ry of her wrongs. Mrs. L assumed a digni- fied air ; the culprit was called to " the presence 3 " NEVER TOLD A LIE. 57 and the inquest on the departed pane commenced. " Joseph," said Mrs. L , with awful solemnity, " did you break the glass in Mrs. Connolly's win- dow ? " " Yes'm," replied Joe with promptitude. " Joseph," said Mrs. L , " if you broke that pane of glass, I shall certainly correct you : did you break it. Sir ? " Joe hesitated, but conscience was powerful, and he replied that he did. Mrs. L took a stick from the mantel-piece : " Jo- seph," said she, " if you broke that glass I shall correct you most severely : I ask again, did you break it ? " Joe looked at his mother ; he looked at the stick ; and hanging his head, he murmured : » No ma'am." " There ! " said Mrs. L , tri- umphantly, " that boy never told me a lie in his life. I hnovi'd he never broke no window ; 'spect your little Guster broke it ; she hove a stone clear over our fence yesterday." That's a good style of encouraging truthfulness in a child, " we dorCt think ! " VI. SEWING MACHINE— FELINE ATTACH- MENT. CIRCULAK : TO THE PUBLIC. Permit me to call your undivided attention to an invention lately made and patented by my- self, which is calculated to produce the most ben- eficial results, and prove of inestimable value to mankind. It is well known that the sewing- machines now so generally in use, are the most important invention and greatest blessing of the age. Every lady considers this instrument indis- pensable to her happiness ; it has completely usurped the place of the piano-forte and harp in all well-regulated families ; and she who once pur- chased materials for clothing by the yard, now procure them by the piece or bolt to enjoy the ra- tional pleasure of easily making them into gar- ments. SEWING MACHINE FELINE ATTACHMENT. 69 In the humble cabin of the laborer, and in the halls of the rich and great, now resounds from morning until night, the whir of the sewing- machine. The result of this universal grinding, although eminently gratifying to the sellers of dry goods, and the philanthropic fathers and husbands who discharge their bills, has not been of a favor- able nature to our ladies in a physical point of view. It is found that the constant use of the crank has brougljt on rheumatic and neuralgic af- fections in the shoulder, and a similar application of the treddle has a tendency to produce hip dis- eases, and white swelling of the knee-joint, accom- panied by nervous complaints of a painful charac- ter. The undersigned is acquainted with a most estimable single lady of middle age, who, having procured one of the fast-running machines, was so enchanted with it, that she persisted in its use for thirty-six hours without cessation, and found, on endeavoring to leave off, that her right leg had ac- quired the motion of the treddle in such a painful manner, that it was impossible to keep it still, and 60 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. her locomotion therefore assumed a species of polka step exceedingly ludicrous tb witness, and particularly mortifying to herself. I regret to add that she was compelled, by a vote of the society, to withdraw from the Methodist Church, on a charge of dancing down the broad aisle on a Com- munion Sunday. A more melancholy instance was the case of Mrs. Thompson of Seekonk, a most amiable lady, beloved and respected by all around her, but who, by constant use of the crank, lost all control of the flexors and extensors of her right arm, and inadvertently punched her husband in the eye, which, he being a man of suspicious and unforgiving disposition, led to great unhappi- ness in the family, and finally resulted in the mel- ancholy case of Thompson vs. Thompson, so fa- miliar to most of the civilized world. A turn for mechanism, and an intense desire to contribute to the happiness of the female sex, have ever been distinguishing traits in my character. On learn- ing these facts, therefore, I devoted myself to a thorough investigation of the subject, and after a SEWING MACHINE — FELINE ATTAUilMENT. 61 montt. of close application, have at last made an invention whicli will at once do away with every- thing objectionahle in the use of the sewing- machine. This beautiful discovery is now named " Phcenes's Feline Attachment." Like most great inventions, the Attachment is of great simplicity. An upright shaft is connect- ed with the machine by a cog-wheel and pinion, and supported below by a suitable frame-work. Two projecting arms are attached to the shaft, to one of which a large cat is connected by a light harness, and from the other, a living mouse is sus- pended by the tail, within a few inches of the nose of the motor. As the cat springs toward the mouse, the latter is removed, and keeping con- stantly at the original distance, the machine re- volves with great rapidity. The prodigious veloc- ity produced by the rapacity of the cat in its fiitUe endeavors to overtake the mouse, can only be im- agined by one who has seen the Attachment in fiill operation. 62 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. It is thus that man shows his supremacy over the brute creation, by making even their rapacious instincts subservient to his use. Should it be required to arrest the motion of the machine, a handkerchief is thrown over the mouse, and the cat at once pauses, disgusted. Remove the handkerchief and again she springs forward with renewed ardor. The writer has seen one cat (a tortoise-shell) of so ardent and unwearying disposition, that she made eighteen pairs of men's pantaloons, two dozen shirts, and seven stitched shirts, before she lay down exhaust- ed. It is to be hoped that the ladies throughout the land will avail themselves of this beautiful dis- covery, which will entirely supersede the use of the needle, and make the manufacture of clothing and household materials a matter of pleasure to themselves, and exciting and healthy exercise to their domestic animals. I present on page 63 an elevation of the " Feline Attachment " in operation, that all may understand its powers, and none fail to procure one, through ignorance of its merits. Elbtation of 'Pnaarix's Feline Attachment.' A. Sewing-Machme, Box-pattern $75 00 C. Cat, at various prices, say, $2i to 10 00 B. Vertical Shaft, 5 00 D. H. Projecting arms, 50 M. Mouse, 12|- Total cost of Machine and Attachment, .... $90 62^ SEWING MACHINE FELINE ATTACHMENT. 63 The Attachment will be furnished to families hav- ing sewing-machines, on the most reasonable terms, and at the shortest notice. Young and docile cats supplied with the Attachment, by application at 348 Broadway, New York. Office of the Patent Back-Action Hen Persuader. VII. PHCENIX ON WET WEATHER. Portland Oregon T. August It gives me unfeigned pleasure to inform you that I am about to quit the gloomy and never-to- be-dried-up sky of Oregon, and "repair without unnecessary delay " to D , on our borders. Yes, Sir, I'm off; "services" no longer required on these inclement shores — shores, which, when you read of in Irving's " Astoria," you naturally wish to behold, and admire old Astor's pluck in making establishments thereon, and which, when you reach, you wish you hadn't, and admire still more old Astor's good sense in breaking his estab- lishments up, and quitting while there was yet time. Rain i? an exceedingly pleasant and gratifying PHOENIX ON WET WEATHER. 65 institution in its way, and in moderation ; it causes the grass to grow, the blossoms to flourish, and is a positive necessity to the umbrella-maker ; but when you get to a country where it rains inces- santly twenty-six hours a day, for seventeen months in the year, you cannot resist having the convic- tion forced upon your mind that the thing is slightly overdone. That's the case in Oregon ; it commenced raining pretty heavily on the third of last November, and continued up to the fifteenth of May, when it set in for a long storm, which isn't fairly over yet. There's moisture for you. The consequences of this awful climate are ■just what might be supposed. The immense quantity of the protoxide squirted about here causes trees, buildings, streets, every thing, to pre- sent a diluted and wishy-washy appearance. The women lose their color, the men their hair, (washed off. Sir,) and the animals, by constant exposure, acquire scales and fins, like the natives of the great deep. In fact, all the inhabitants of this territory have a generally scaly appearance, and re- 66 THE SQXnBOB PAPEKS. joice m a peculiar smell, a combination, I should say, of a fish-ball and a fresh mud-sucker. The rains of Oregon beat every thing in that line I ever beheld or conceived of. Those that fell on Noah's ark were not more heavy ; those of Nero, Caligula, and I. Neely Johnson, not more terrible ; nor those of Lady Suffolk and Moscow longer or stronger, which is a slightly mixed metaphor of a very happy description. So, upon the whole, I'm glad I'm off; yes, I am quite sure of it; and I long to get to D , where the people enjoy the light of the blessed sun, and where I can en- joy it also, and dry my things, and read Irving's " Astoria." Howbeit, there are many interesting and cu- rious things in Oregon ; many odd and entertain- ing people also therein ; and I have seen much that was funny, and laughed thereat, and should have laughed louder and longer if my mouth had not filled with rain before I had half finished ; and I might perhaps regret leaving a country in which I have had so much positive enjoyment, were it PH(ENIX ON WET WEATHEK. 67 not that I liave chronicled all these amusing things and peculiarities, and shall be glad to get some- where where I can have a dry laugh over them. Such a thing as " dry humor" in Oregon is, of course, a physical impossibility. A slight history of the Oregon war, with some incidents from the life of Pike, is now in course of preparation, which, when finished, I will sub- mit to you, with the hope that it may prove en- tertaining and improving to your readers. The information, certainly, is valuable, whatever may be the style. I inclose a short " Pome," which tells its own story. Set to music, (" suthin slow, and melancholy-like,") and accompanied by the swinette, I should think it might be well adapted for the parlor, the boudoir, or the concert-room. It is a plain, unvarnished tale, not only founded on facts, but with all three stories, and the attic, built of those materials. 68 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. STANZAS : LINES : SONG : BALLAD. •' Among them that came up to speculate in stock and supplies." A OEEGOK LAT. BY A 3UKVIVINO SUFFEKEB, OF THE WAK. I. Among them that come up to speculate in stock and supplies Was a fellow named Stuart, a man of enterprise; He bought him a switch-tail sorrel two-year old, which hed a white face, And he bantered aU Portland, 0. T., for a three-hundred yard race. II. Thar was a man hed a horse, which he thought her pretty fair. She was ginerally know'd as Millard's thousand-dollar marej He hadn't no idea, he said, of doing any thing so rash. But he took up iVIister Stuart for two hundred dollars, cash. III. So every soul in Portland, 0. T., went straight -down to the course. And every cent we borryed, we bet on Millard's horse; And thar was that speckilating Stuart, with his hand upon his hip. And two men a-foUowing with a tin pail fuU of dollars and a champagne-basket full of scrip ! TT. Wal, they measured off the ground, and the horses got a start, And came ranning down right pretty, about four foot apart; , PHCENIX ON WET WEATHER. 69 And the Millard mare had it all her own way, bo every body said. Till just as they got to the eend of the track, that are Sorrel shot guthin' like ten feet ahead ! I V. Arter we seen that there riz a most surprising din. And remarks like this ere followed, " Dog my everlastin skin," "I'll be dod-demed, and dog-gomed, and ding-blamed by Pike," And thar was such awM howling, and swearing, and dancing, that many old people said they never had seed the like. VI. And that are speckilatin Stuart, he made matters worse; He packed the money into a hand-cart, and did'nt care a cuss, And sweetly smiling, puUed it off, as though he didn't mind the heft. And since then we haint paid no taxes, nor bought nothing, nor sold nothing, for I do suppose that in aU Portland, O. T., there aint a single red cent left. YE WAKRE-LTKE BALLADE OF YE ASTOUNDEDDE DOCTOR, BY PHENLS J. SQUIBOB 72 THE SQTJIBOB PAPERS. I. IT was a fatte younge oiBcer, Wlio to a tayloure, came, Tayloure ! I would that thoue should'st make, The garments that I. name ; As quicklye as thoue mayeste By either hooke or crooke, And when they are completedde Then charge them in thye booke. 74 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. II. ACOATE of brighte blue broadclothe. With buttons alle of gilte, A sashe of crimsone net worke, And a sworde with brazen hllte, A veste of snowe white dimitye, And one of the colour of cream, And a paire of broadclothe breeches, With a stripe on the outer seame. 76 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. III. THEN quickly seizing on his shears, That tayloure did obey, And ye garments, called for fashioned he, In a quainte and curious waye. In a harde knot he twined hys legges, And to himself he said, " I wonder, oh, I wonder. If eyer I'll be paid I " 78 THK SQTJIBOB PAPERS. IV. To ye Taylours's shop so gallantyle, Ye officer did come ; He clapped ye coate upon his backe As ye Tayloure named ye sum. Then sweetly thanked ye Tayloure, For making him ye clothes, And marched off, wagging pleasantlie Hys fingers on hys nose. .--s= 94 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. XII. BUT this moved not ye Doctor, Whose ideas being few, When that he had got hold of one, Was bound to put it through. So in a friendly manner, He still did circulate The storye of ye letter, That was wrote to irritate. 96 THE SQTJIBOB PAPERS. XIII. BUT ye aunt of ye younge officer, She was a warre-lyke mayde, And she sharpened up her finger-nayles, And to his mother sayd, " It is our determination Straight to prepare for war ; So up ye guards and at 'em, We'll fix this old Doctor." 98 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS, XIV. BEHOLD them then, these fearless ones, Ye mother and ye mayde, How gallantly against ye foe, Ye fat one they " arrayed." Upon his belt they hung hys sword. And so they marched him round, All which warre-lyke preparations Ye Doctor did " astound." 100 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. XV. YE Doctor was " astoundedde," He wrote and told him so, And sayed " if fyghtynge was their game, With hym it was no go ; He had bled for hys countrye, In fact had blystered too, But with feuds of this description He would nothing have to do." 102 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. XVI. HERE'S a health to ye, Doctor . Ye Tayloure and hys friend, And whatsoe'er they undertake May full success attend. Goose, syringe, shears and press-board Doses, draughts and pills. Cabbage and cathartics, Scissors, lancet, buckram. Bills. IX. LIFE EST PANAMA. Scene. — The interior of one of our principal hotels. — Gen. Plates, th6 " spirited proprie- tor is discovered sitting behind his bar, engaged in the pleasing occupation of estimating the profits of the day, and reflecting on his " sacred honor." A long table is seen in an adjoining apartment, covered with dirty sheets, and lavishly spread with dark boiled rice, jerked beef, hard bread and the other delicacies of the season. Deep groans are heard at intervals from the two hun- dred and forty famished boarders, imprisoned and partially smothering in squads of five in small pens, six feet by eight. A decidedly un- wholesome effluvia pervades the entire building. ' LIFE IN PANAMA. 105 Gen. Plates (reflectively) . — Two hundred and forty boarders, at two dollars a day, is, let me see, twice oughts an ought, and — four hun- dred and eighty dollars, from which take for ex- penses, say five dollars, leaves a clear profit of ( Enter Dodge, Blatherskite, Flatbroke and others.') Dodge. — Well, General, the steamer are here, and me and the boys is bound to go. Now, we've been a living with you for two weeks, and what with the derned monte banks and other extravagances, we're completely busted, and havn't a red to pay our bills with. Gen. Plates. — Why, d n your impu- dence, Blatherskite, — Oh, dry up. General. Here-, just take a look at this here, \_Hands a document to Plates, who reads aloud ;] TO THE PUBLIC. City or Panama, New Granada, Lion's Den, Oct. 1, 1852. To Gen. Plates, Col. T. Cupp, Lt.-Col. Saucee, and Maj. Pott. Gentlemen, — A.t a large and respectable meet- 106 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. ing held by your guests this evening, in the bar room of your exquisite hotel. A. Dodge, Esq., of Texas, was called to the Chair, and Kosciusko Blatherskite, of New Found- land, chosen Secretary. On motion of Capt. Flatbroke, a committee was appointed to draft resolutions, expressive of the sense of -the meeting, consisting of Mr. Dunep, Dr. Busted, and Capt. Flatbroke, who retired a few minutes, and returned with the following pre- amble and resolutions : Whereas, it 'becomes us all to be grateful and benevolent to all who treat us with impunity ; we cannot therefore resist the incumbent duty that is now forced to devolve upon us, of expressing at Ihe following time our sentiments in regard to our kind reception, elegant entertainment and genteel treatment by Messrs. Plates & Co., the worthable proprietors of the Lion's Den, in this city ; and when we think on the above, we would, in our unitarian capacity, give emitterance to the follow- ing resolutions : LIFE IN PANAMA. 107 Resolved 1st. — That sin-ce we landed at Aspin- wall, we have been treated awfully by everybody, and plundered beside, except General Plates & Co. Resolved 2nd. — That we advise hereby most earnestly all our friends, who intend to cross the Isthmus, to go by the way of Cape Horn. Resolved Srd. — That we deem the Lion's Den at Panama, under its present management, equal to any house in the United States, and rather a-head of the Astor House and Lovejoy's Hotel. Resolved 4dh. — That we consider General Plates & Co. perfect gentlemen, and that they spare no pains or expense to appear so. Resolved 5th. — That we caution all travelers across this Isthmus against the Montebanks and the Peter Funks on this route, for our experience calls forth our most bitter indignation as American citizens. Resolved Qth. — That the proceedings of this meeting be presented to General Plates & Co. and published in the Panama papers, the New York 108 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Courier and Enquirer, Harper's Monthly Maga- zine, and the Farmers' Almanac, for 1853.. (Signed) A. Dodge, Chairman. K. Blatheeskite, Sec. And 1600 others. Gen. Plates. — QSmiling.') — Well, boys, this is doing the fair thing. Never mind the bills, they aint much any how, I reckon. Walk up and liquor. [All imbibe an infusion of pokeberries and alcohol, and exeunomnes, mutually delighted with each bther. j SQTJIBOB. X, A TEIP TO OREGON. On the 16th day of September I received a letter from my correspondent in Australia which convinced me that flour was about to make an un- precedented and unheard of rise. I have been nipped slightly heretofore in flour speculations; green and inviting appeared the floury paths before my mental vision, and I regret to say that I re- turned from their pursuit with just a shade of the greenness adhering to me, in a figurative point of view ; but this time I determined to make a sure thing of it. The last quotations from Oregon, (which land I never hear mentioned without associating it with the idea of Bartlett pears at one dollar a piece and particularly rotten inside) showed that flour might be purchased there for five dollars per barrel. " If, then," said I to Mrs. Butterfield, « I repair to Oregon, my dear, and purchase two thousand 110 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. barrels of flour at five dollars per barrel, and re turning to San Francisco, incontinently sell the same at eleven dollars per ditto, our circumstances ivill be slightly improved." Mrs. Butterfield had seen at Guerin's a perfect love of a velvet mantle ; a brown velvet mantle profusely embroidered, for which they asked but one hundred and twenty-five dollars, and she said she thought " it would be a good thing." And so I went down to the steamship Columbia, and pur- chased " A " stateroom, and had my trunk "dragged into camp" in stateroom " A." I de- test and despise going to sea ; it makes me sick at my stomach and I cannot agree with that young man who, on being reminded that " a rolling stone gathers no moss," replied, " never mind the moss — let us roll." I do not like to roll at all, and I sincerely believe that the man who first invented going to sea was some most abandoned rascal, who could not under any circumstances be permitted to live on shore, and I wish from my heart he had been drowned, and the invention lost with him. So that when I had paid sixty dollars to Purser A TRIP TO OREGON. Ill Meade, who like the beverage that bears his name, is of a mild though sparkling disposition, and is moreover constantly effervescing with good humor, I went below, and gazing with a discontented air at stateroom "A," thought to myself I had given a very high price for an emetic. However, when one- has made up his mind to be slain, it is cer- tainly the best plan to employ a regular physician , and have it done secundum artem, and it was a great relief to my mind to find the Columbia a clean and comfortable steamship, where if one had to die, he could at least die with decency. The Captain too had such a cheery good natured smile on his handsome face, such a roguish twinkle about his eye, such a strong expression of wishing to make every one happy about him that it was difficult to conceive that anything very disagree- able could happen where he commanded. You must have heard of the " Dalls of the Co- lumbia." Well, that may appear a slight digres- sion, but the Captain is " one of them." The Co- lumbia went to sea and I went to bed in the sec- ond berth in stateroom "A." As Lever's hero, 112 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Charles O'Malley, invariably^, remarks, after get- ting a lick on thfe back of the head, " I knew nothing more " until the arrival at Mendocino Mills. Confused visions of Mrs. Butterfield, nursing a fifty lb. sack of flour, which changed occasionally into a bowl of gruel, and then into a large wash basin, prevailed in my mind, I remem- ber, during this period ; but at Mendocino Mills I arose, girded up my loins, and the Columbia being very quiet, came forth like a young giant refreshed vnth new wine. In fact, as the Captain pleasantly remarked, I " opened like a psalm book." Even a tortoise draweth suddenly in his head when smote from the rear by some evil disposed urchin with a stick ; so suddenly did I disappear within the shell of stateroom " A," when the Co- lumbia left Mendocino Mills. Then an interval elapsed, and we arrived at Trinidad. This place derives its name from the Latin words Trinis, three, and Dad, father, having been originally dis- covered by three Catholic priests. The town con- sists of about thirty mules, being packed with whiskey for the mines on Trinity river. Another A TKIP TO OREGON. 113 interval of wash basin and gruel and we anchored at Crescent City. This little place has quite an active and bustling appearance. It is the depot of the Klamath mines, and appears to be very- much of a business place. At the door of the prin- cipal public house, sat a forlorn, lost looking girl, who had once been beautiful ; she was neatly and handsomely dressed, but there was a look of suf- fering about her pale and care worn face that I shall not soon forget. I was told she was the pro- prietor of the establishment. Poor thing. There is some surf at Crescent City, and unless you embark cautiously you are very liable to get your trowsers wet. I never do anything cautious- ly. We arrived at Port Oxford one night, and disembarked Lieut. Kautz and eight mules belong- ing to the 4th U. S. Infantry. Lieut. Kautz commands the military post at Port Oxford I was told, but what the military post is, I am not in- formed ; probably they use it to tie the mules to. Port Oxford is a small place, a very small place.' I heard that the Columbia once got up steam and left here, without casting off one of her stern lines. 114 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. and accidentally towed the whole city up the coast about forty miles before the line parted, very much to the confusion of one Tichnor, who having been elected a member of the Oregon Legislature, sailed off in a small schooner to find that body, but being unsuccessfal, attempted to return to Port Oxford but did not get in for some time owing to that accident. Imagine the feelings that animated my mind as we arrived — I sprang hastily from the steamer ; I saw my friend Mr. Leonard G. Green, the great Portland jobber and importer, on the dock. I seized him by the arm and led him one side • — " Butterfield," said he, " how do you do ? " " Never mind," replied I, in a faltering voice ; " I want to buy two thousand barrels of Oregon flour ! " Leonard G. Green smiled ; he was not at all excited, and he answered " Probably ! " — I gasped for breath. " Tell me," said I " how is flour sell- ing ? " Leonard G. Greene looked me calmly in the eye and answered slowly " Eleven dollars and a half a barrel ! " I am not a pi-ofane man ; I A TRIP TO OKEGON. 115 attend the Rey. Dr. Scott's churcli regularly, have family prayers in my household, and say grace over my frugal repasts ; but dog-gorn never mind, as the man said " I couldn't begin to do justice to the subject." I wrote a letter, a doleful letter to Mrs. Butter- field that night, and the brown velvet embroidered mantle, still hangs in Austin's window. I walked up the street of Portland and heard a man scream out, " J. Neely Johnston is Governor of California, ha ! ha ! ha ! " Confound Portland and Oregon Teritory ; I wish from the very bot- tom of my heart that Pierce would appoint John Bigler Governor of it. Yours in deep disgust, Amos Butterfield. Flour and Pork Near the corner of Battery and Front Orders from the country promptly filled. XI. BUTTERFIELD AT THE BALL, You have not heard from me for some time. I have been " round," howeA'^er, which is a pleas- ant metaphorical way of expressing the fact that I have been about, and is not intended as an allusion to my figure, though I weigh two hundred and forty-three net, and it might appear appropriate to scoffers. Since my unfortunate expedition to Oregon, I have been attending closely to my le- gitimate business, and do not mind saying that I have been tolerably successful. I did a httle thing in butter last week, not after the manner of the celebrated sculptor Canova — who, I am told, used to carve horses and other animals out of that oleaginous substance, which looked well but became unpleasant to the smell in a short time — but in the way of speculation, which in- BUTTERFIEID AT THE BALL. 117 creased my satisfaction and my balance at Doolit- tle, Walker & Leggett's, my bankers, in no small degree. * I was sitting in my counting-room a few days since, in an amiable frame of mind, thinking of tbat butter which I had sold to a manufacturer to grease the wheels of his manufactory, and wonder- ing whether its strength increased the power of the machinery, when Podgers, of Gawk & Pod- gers, Battery street, dropped in. " Butterfield," said he, " don't you want to go to a ball ? " A vision of Mrs. Butterfield resplendent in her new dress, which, though of late importation, she calls " more antique," passed before my mind. I thought of the balance at Doolittle's, and in my usual prompt and decided manner replied, " Well, I don't know." "It's a complimentary ball," said Podgers, given for the benefit of the officers of the Army and Navy, and comes off at Madame Pike's on Friday. (The name is Pique, and is pronounced Pi^quee, but Podgers don't understand French." Now I always liked the officers, poor 118 THE SQXIIBOB PAPERS. fellows ; they look so prettily In tlieir brass-mount- ed clothes, and walk around with such a melan- choly air, as though they w:ere wondering how they manage to support existence on their pay and allowance — and how the deuce they do puzzles me. So after a few words more with Podgers, we •started off to purchase the necessary pasteboard. I suppose it was because the ball was a national affair that we went to the United States Mint for that purpose. .Here we were introduced to a sin- gularly handsome young fellow, who gazed rather dubiously on Podgers and myself when he prefer- red our request. " The ball is to be very select," said he. " Ah," replied I, " that's exactly the reason we wish to patronize it." The young gen- tleman could not withstand the smile with which these words were accompanied. " What name ? " said he. " Butterfield," I replied. " Flour and Pork." said he, with a kindly expression. " Cor- ner of Battery and Front," I answered, and the thing was done. Podgers got his ticket also, and we left the Mint arm in arm, wondering if the BUTTEKFIKLD AT THE BAIX. 119 lovely d^ign for a head on the new three dollar piece was intended for a likeness of the TJ. S. Treasnrer, of whose agneeaUe countenance -we canght a glimpse as we retired- Mrs. Batterfidi was delighted, so was Anstin, I feney : lie sent me a note a day or two after. Tery joettily ooncaTe»^. with Honiton, Valencienn^ point, edgrag. and other hard words in it. which mnsi have gsviai lim great satisfaction to compose. I purchased of Keyes (not that Keyes, but the other Sxai) a new blue dress coat with brazen buttons, military, you know ; a pair of cinnamon colored leg scallrards, and a very tasty thmg in the way of- a Test, gar- net colored velvet with green plush cross Lais, in which I fancied I should create something of a sensation. I also dropped in at Tucker's, and see- ing a pretty breastpin in the form of a figure 2, which he said was a tastefiil conceit for married • men, showing that there were two in the &nalj, I bought that also, and hereby acknowledge that it has given me great satis&ction. Friday evening at last arrived. Podgers was to come for us in a 120 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. carriage at 8 o'clogk, and we commenced dressing at three, immediately after dinner. My friends have sometimes flattered me by remarking some- thing in my air and personal appearance resem- bling the late eloquent Daniel Webster (formerly Secretary of State under Tyler's administration.) After dressing, and going through the operation which Mrs. Butterfield unpleasantly terms prink- ing, I walked into the room of our next neighbor, (we board at the corner of Stockton and Powell) under the pretence of borrowing a candle. He was sitting by the fire smoking a cigar and reading Tennyson's poems, which I take this opportunity of declaring are the silliest trash I ever had the misfortune to get hold of. " Mr. Brummell," said I complacently, " do you think I look at all like the great Daniel? " Brum- ell gazed on me with evident admiration. " Yes," he replied, " but you are not near as heavy as he was." " No ? " said I, " Why, Daniel Webster was not a very large man." " Oh ! " replied he, BUTTEBFIELD AT THE BALL. 121 " I thought you alluded to Daniel Lambert." This was a dSmper. We worked for three mortal hours getting little Amos to sleep. That child is two years of age, possesses a wakefulness of disposition perfectly as- tonishing in one so young, and has a pleasing pe- culiarity of howling terrifically in the night at in- tervals of about twenty-five minutes. Paregoric and taffy were too much for him this time, how- ever ; he succumbed at last, and dropped peace- fnlly to repose at half-past seven, to a second. At eight, Podgers and the carriage arrived. Mrs. Podgers came up in Mrs. Butterfield's room to show herself. She was tastefully and magnificent- ly attired. She wore a white crape illusion with eighteen flounces, over a profusely embroidered tulle skirt, looped up on the side with a bouquet of Swiss meringues. Her boddice was of sea- green tabbinet, with an elegant pincushion of orange-colored moire antique over the bertha. Her head-dress was composed of cut velvet cab- bage leaves, with turnip au naturel, and a small 6 122 THE SQTJIBOB PAPERS. boned turkey secured by a golden wire, " a la mai- tre d' hotel" crowned the structure. Podgers gazed upon her with complacent and pardonable pride. We descended to the carriage, but finding it impossible for all of us to ride within, Mrs. Pod- gers stood upon the seat with the driver, Mrs. But- terfield and I got inside, and Podgers walked. [By the way, on this account, he subsequently, in an unjustifiable manner, objected to paying his proportion of the expenses of transportation, as had been agreed upon between us.J On arriving at Mrs. Pique's, I regret to say, an unpleasant alter- cation took place between myself and our driver on the subject of the fare. I was finally compel- led to close the discussion by disbursing ten dollars, which that disagreeable individual unnecessarily remarked, " was only a dollar a hundred after all." On entering the hall, which was brilliantly illumi- nated, we were struck with its size and elaborate ornaments, and also with the unpleasant fact that nobody was there. The fact is, we had arrived a little too early. However, we amused ourselves BUTTERFIELB AT THE BALL. 123 walking about, and Podgers got into the supper room, where he broke a sugar chicken off the top of a large cake, to carry home to his little Anna Maria, and being detected therein, was summarily ejected, and had the chicken taken away from him, at which Mrs. B. and I secretly rejoiced. At ten o'clock, the company began to arrive, and in half an hour the large hall was crowded with the beau- ty, fashion and extravagance of the city. It real- ly brought tears of delight to my eyes to see the number of lovely women that San Francisco can produce, and to think what immense sums of mon- ey their beautiful dresses must cost their husbands and fathers. Sets of quadrilles were formed, then followed the fancy dances, polkas, redowas, and that funny dance where the gentleman grabs the lady about the waist with one hand, and pumps her arm up and down with the other, while hop- ping violently from side to side, after the manner of that early and estimable Christian — St. Vitus. I cannot pretend to enumerate the ladies whose charms particularly impressed me. Moreover, if 124 THE SQtJIBOB PAPERS. I could, it would be of little service to the public, for it is in the fashion to do this sort of thing by initials, and who would recognize " lovely Mrs. A., with her ugly daughter, in white cottonet, and magnificent Mrs. B., the cynosure of all eyes in a peignoir of three ply carpeting, with a corsage de gunny bag and a point appliquS robe de nuit, or the sweet Misses C. in elaborate Swiss ginghams, with gimp cord and tassels and a fauteuil de cab- riolet. SufRce it to say that the loveliest ladies of San Francisco were there, and the belle of the evening was unquestionably Miss , though many preferred the mature -charms of the radiant Mrs. . [You perceive that these blanks are left for the convenience of those who wish to send this description to the Eastern States, who hereby have my express permission to insert any names they may think appropriate.] One lady, I ob- served, whose dress, though no great judge of dry goods, I should imagine to have cost in the neigh- borhood of fifty barrels of mess pork. Every- thing went off admirably. Wobbles, of Wobbles & BUTTERFIELD AT THE BAIi. 125 Strycum, wlio was present with liis daughter, a young lady of nine years, with a violent propen- sity to long curls, dressed in crimson silk with orange colored pantalettes. Wobbles, who has a very pretty way of saying poetical things, re- marked with great originality, that " soft eyes spoke love to eyes that spoke again, and all went berry as a marriage mell," and I agreed with him. The officers were all there, moreover, radiant in brass coats and blue buttons — I mean blue buttons and brass coats — and looking divinely. One of them accidently trod on my toe, but be- fore I could utter the exclamation of anguish that I was about to give vent to, he said so sweetly " Don't apologise," that the pain left me in a mo- ment. " The officers of the Vincennes, though sufficiently handsome are not tall men. This, Podgers remarked, was a dispensaton of Divine Providence, as the Vincennes is only four feet six between decks, and they would be constantly bump- ing their heads if they were taller. At two o'clock we sat down to supper. Mag- 126 - THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. nificent indeed — turkeys, chickens, salads, cham- pagne — everybody gobbling and guzzling every- thing, presenting to my mind a far finer spectacle than the vaunted Falls of Niagara, which I think have been much overrated. Podgers, who is always doing something un- pleasant, emptied a plate of oyster soup on my head, merely saying, " Beg pardon, Butterfield," in consequence of which I found a large stewed oyster in my right whisker on returning to the ball room, and was made exceedingly uncomfort- able during the rest of the morning. The ball was delightful. I heard the Consul of New Zealand say it was ravissant, and though with but a dim idea of his meaning, I am sure it was. We returned home at 3 |- a. m. The street around our residence was lighted up as if for a celebration ; people stood around the door-steps, and an old gentleman with a watchman's rattle in his hand, both slightly sprung, was leaning out of an upper window of No. 3 below. A loud shout hailed us as we approached, but high above that BUTTEKFIELD AT THE BALL. 127 shout, loud above the whirr of the rattle, shrill above the rolling of our carriage, sounded an alarum that we recognized but too well. It was the voice of our little Amos. The dear child had woke up the whole street, and it is a marvel that he had not awakened Jhe sleepers in John Jones of Peter's cemetery, "just beyond." For — the name of Butterfield, as you well know, is synony- mous with that of Truth, — but if that boy hadn't shattered every pane of glass in our front windows, and loosened all the top bricks of the chimney by the concussion of the air produced by his scream- ing, I wish I may never sell another lot of extra clear bacon. The paper was loosened from the walls, the plaster falling from the ceiling, the wash basin and , everything was broken, and there lay Amos black in the face, gurgling in his throat, and his small blue legs kicking up toward Heaven. We did not get asleep until rather late that morning, and what with damages, repairs, hack, drivers, dresses and tickets, the little balance 128 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. at Doolittle, Walker & Leggett's is nearly ex- hausted. ' Perhaps we shall go to another ball at Madame Pique's, soon, if so, I will send you an account of it. Very truly yours, Amos Btjttereield, Flour and Pork, Corner of Battery and Front streets. Country orders solicited and promptly filled, etc. Dabk Inpantrt — AN Ass-SAULT. — See page 125. XII. SQTJIBOB'S " COMPOSITIOlSr OF ARMIES," A NEW METHOD 01 AWAOK AND DEEENOE 01 POSTS. The subject of composition of Armies, that of fortification, and the attack and defense of milita- ry posts, have for many years been considered of the first importance to l^e safety and welfare of natiops, and have in consequence, been elaborate- ly treated of by Vauban, Cormontaigne and other eminent scientific men, of their own and later periods. With the advance of ciA'ilization, refinement and scientific discovery, we should naturally be led to expect new discoveries and improvements in these important branches of the military art. Such is however by no means the case. Whether a state of peace has operated unfavorably to the prosecution of military research, or that the great 6* 130 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. minds of modern philosophers are turned exclu- sively to such sources of discovery as may operate more to their personal emolument than to the benefit of future generations, it is useless to dis- cuss, — true it is, however, that in all essential particulars the art of yvav remains in precisely the same state that it was left by the savans who wrote upon it half a century ago. Feeling deeply the necessity of some more per- fect means of defence than these comparatively uneducated and uninformed writers have left us, the writer remembering the maxim of the immor- tal Washington, " In time of peace prepare for war," has devoted himself exclusively for two days to the most close and vigorous research into the principles of the military art, and has finally, by combining the most valuable ideas of the more scientific writers slightly modified by some origi- nality of his own, obtained a system of defence which he thinks more suited to the present ad- vanced stage of science. This system he would present with becommg SQUIBOB's " COMPOSITION OF ARMIES." 131 deference and humility to the approval of his brother officers, with the hope that they will think it peculiarly adapted to the defence of our own beloved country, when left, in accordance with the messase of a late executive, to the tender mercies of armed steamboats and the militia. And first, with regard to the composition of armies for offensive operations in the field. For this purpose let a body of men between the ages of eighteen and forty-five be selected, if for im- mediate active service, blacks should be selected, as being undoubtedly more offensive than whites. These men, after being properly drilled to act in concert, should be armed in the following man- ner. Each man to be provided with one of Colt's patent revolving six^barreled rifles, with the necessary ammunition. 2d. A large tin case perforated with holes on the top, is to be filled with black pepper and suspended by the right side. 3d. A dress cap made of tin and lined with flannel, the top of which is a cylinder containing 132 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. the material for generating sulphuretted hydrogen gas, with a stop-cock in front, opening by the pressure of a spring, immediately over his right ear. Each man on being enlisted should be fur- nished with a staunch and well trained bull-dog, which he will take the greatest possible care of, and which he should teach carefully to come and go at his command. (&« Page 128.) Both men and dogs should be accustomed by frequent drills to the odor of the gas they carry about them, and should be exercised frequently with their pepper pots before being taken into the field. Sneezing on such occasions should be looked upon as a serious military delinquency, and treated accordingly. These preliminary steps being taken, the troops are ready for service. On the eve of a battle, they will throw up a continuous line in their front, consisting of a para- pet and ditch of the usual form and dimensions. On the advance of the enemy they open a rapid and severe fire with their revolving rifled, which must of course appal and disconcert the enemy. SQUIBOb's " COMPOSITION OF AKMIES." 133 On tlie slightest symptoms of retreat, the bull-dogs will be loosed ■ and encouraged to charge the re- treating foe. This they will do en masse, and seizing the unhappy wretches by the seats of their trowsers, will delay their progress or drag them back within close rifle shot. This will generally decide the affair. If, however, in consequence of Tast numbers or determined bravery, the enemy advance to the trench, a warm fire must be kept up. On coming to close quarters, tne men will use their pepper pots vigorously. Nothing can with- stand this system, — with eyes smarting and blind- ed with pepper, noses offended with the stench of the parapet, deafened by the barking of the dogs and incessantly annoyed by their sharp and tena- cious gripe, the enemy, though composed of the best materials that ever made up an army, must give way and fall an easy prey in their torturing retreat, to our victorious arms. When flying artUlery is used in connection with 134 V THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. these troops, it will consist of four and six pound field-pieces, carefully strapped on the backs of stout jackasses and pointed to the rear. These beino- fired the recoil will arouse all the natural ob- stinacy of the animal, who, thinking he is pushed forward, will instantly move stern first, with in- credible celerity, towards the enemy. When a retreat is ordered, the men serving the gun will pull the beast's tail, who will immediately change his motion and rush forward with impetuosity. It is thus that man shows his supremacy over the brute creation, in rendering even their evil dispo- sitions subservient to his designs. {See Page 128.) The next subject proposed for our consideration, is that of fortification. We have seen in the works of Vauban, Mahan, Cormontaigne etc., that in following their various systems, — however well we may fortify a place, however carefully we may defilade our works, and satisfy the conditions imposed as requisite to a good defence, we are still unable to render a place im- SQUIBOB's " COMPOSITION OF AKMIE3." 135 pregnable. It is acknowledged by all writers up- on this subject, that the beseigers have an advan- tage over the beseiged, which however well it may be defended, will inevitably lead sooner or later to the capture of their work. With this great prin- ciple established, our course is a very simple one. In fortifying a particular site, ^et the space to be occupied by the garrison be entirely inclosed by a continuous line of bastioned fronts, constructed ac- cording to the most approved modern system. There will however, be this slight difference, — all the salients will be directed inwards, toward the common centre, and the gorges of the bastions, demi-lunes, etc., turned outward, and left entirely unprotected. This will give the garrison all the advantages claimed ■ by the besiegers ; for the be- sieging army marching up, will immediately occu- py the works from without. The garrison having, in expectation of this movement, made the neces- sary preparations, will instantly commence the construction of parallels, boyaux, etc., and in forty 136 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. nights ■with the assistance of divine providence, and in accordance with our distinguished author- ity, infallibly carry the place, thus completely turning the tables on their adversaries. In constructing the trenches, the mens' coats should be carefully lined behind with sheet-iron, and thus rendered musket proof. This will pre- vent the necessity of defiling the trenches from a severe fire, — if indeed the bull-dogs have not already defiled them sufficiently. The writer will here leave the subject. It is however his intention to submit these notes to the War department, and if his sanguine expectations should be realized, his system adopted, and he should meet with that reward which he modestlv believes his suggestions deserve, — ah immediate brevet, — he assures his ' comrades that he shall never consider himself in the least elevated above them. He will always be happy to meet them, and if they should be so fortunate as to receive commissions in regiments formed upon his system, SQUIBOb's " COMPOSITION OF ARMIES." 137 he can recommend them a man who will sell them most excellent bull-dogs of a fierce and savage breed, — and pepper-pots of a new and peculiar construction. XIII. BOSTON— A MOEAL CITY. It is Sunday in Boston. I have been sittiag in my room, No. 78 Tremont House; by the win- dow, which commands a cheerful view of a grave- yard, musing on various matters and things in a solemn state of mind well befitting the place and the occasion. Seventeen inches of snow fell last night, and Boston looks white like the Island of Ichaboe, and to the full as desolate. Through the hollow and reverberating passages of this ancient building ; around the corners of the sinuous streets ; from each door and window, in every pri- vate and public building, and from the houses of God, resounds the peculiar sharp, hacking cough of the population of Boston. Every soul of them has it. It is the disease of the country. When I meet an acquaintance in the street, I abstain from BOSTON A MOKAL CITY. 139 the usual greeting, and invariably say, " How is your cough ? " and the reply invariably is, " About the same." Coughing, and the ancient pastime of hawking, (followed by expectoration,) are the principal amusements in this cold city. In the grave-yard beneath my window, on a slate tomb- stone, may be found, I am informed, the following touching inscription : " Here I lie bereft of breath. Because a cough carried me off. Then a cofEn, they carried me off in ; " which, I doubt not, describes the case of the ma- jority of the silent incumbents of that place of rest. The Tremont House is m many respects a good institution ; it is perfectly clean and well arranged, the attendance is good and the fodder excellent ; but there is an indescribable air of gloom and sollm- nity pervades the entire establishment well suited to Boston, but chilling to a stranger to the last de- gree. The waiters, dressed in black with white neckcloths, move silently and sadly about the ta- 140 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. ties, looking like so many Methodist ministers with thirteen children, four hundred a year, and two donation parties ; the man in the office never smiles — in any point of view ; a large Bible with the name of the House stamped upon it in gilt let- ters, (to prevent religious strangers from bottling it,) lies on every table, and the chambermaids at- tend family prayers in the basement. All is " grand, gloomy," and it must be confessed, ex- ceedingly peculiar. I have attempted but two jokes in this solemn place, and they fell like the flakes of snow, silent and unnoticed. An unfor- tunate individual in the reading-room last evening was seized with an unusually violent fit of cough- ing, which, if a man could by any possibility be turned inside out, would have done it ; and as a partial cessation of it occurred, with his hair stand- ing on end, (he had coughed his hat oflp,) his face glowing with exertion, and the tears standing in his unhappy eyes, he very naturally gave vent to a profane execration. Every body looked shock- ed ! I remarked in an audible tone to my com- BOSTON A MORAL CITY. 141 panion, that the exclamation was a coffer-dam; an admirable contrivance for raising obstructions from the bottom of streams, and probably adopted bj the gentleman to clear his throat; but no one laughed, and I incontinently went to bed. This morning on arising I discovered that my boots, left outside the door to be embellished with blacking, had, like those of Bombastes, not been displaced ; so I said to the porter, a man of grave and solemn aspect : " You have a very honest set of people about this house." " Why ? " said the porter, with a somewhat startled expression. " Because," I rejoined, " I left my boots outside my door last night, and find this morning no, one has touched them." That man walked off all slow and stately, and never knew that I had been humorous. Disappointments have been my lot in life. I re- member in early childhood going to the theatre to see Mrs. W. H. Smith appear in two pieces ; the bills said she would do it, and she came on the stage perfectly whole and entire like any other lady. Up- 142 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS, on the whole it is my impression that Boston is a dull, gloomy, precise, and solemn city, which I take to be owing entirely to the intense cold that prevails there in the winter, which chills and freezes up the warmer nature of the inhabitants, who don't have time to get thawed out before^the cold comes back again. I have met many Bostonians in more ge- nial climates, who appeared to be very hearty and agreeable fellows. I took a short ride yesterday in the Metropolitan Rail-Road cars, v/hich are dragged by horse-power from the Treitiont House to Roxbury. The only other occupant of my car was a young and lovely female in deep mourning. She wore a heavy, black veil, and her thick and auburn hair was gath- ered up on each side her face beneath a spotless cap, a widow's cap of snowy muslin. I had al- ways a feeling for widows ; young and pretty wid- ows particularly, always excite my deepest interest and sympathy. I gazed with moistened eye on the sweet specimen before me, so young, so beau- tiful, I thought, and alas I what suffering she has BOSTON — A MOEAL CITY. 143 experienced. I pictured to myself her devotion to her husband during his last illness, the untiring "watchfulness with which she hung over his pillow, the unwearying and self-sacrificing spirit with which she hoped on, hoped ever, till in despite of her care, her love, he sank forever, and her ag- onized shriek rang in my ear, as with hands clasped and upturned eye, she felt that he was dead, her dream of life was over, her strength was gone, her heart was broken. The young widow had been regarding me earnestly during this time, and prob- ably imagined what was passing in my mind, for throwing her veil over her hat, she turned partly around toward me, and looking steadfastly in my face — she winked her eye ! Yes, sir, she winked her eye at me — the moral Phcenix ; and I rose from my ashes and left the metropolitan car and returned to the Tremont House. They don't have theatrical performances in Boston bn Saturday evenings ; the theaters open at 3 o'clock F. M., and the performance is over at six. Thalberg was allowed to give a concert here 144 THE SQtriBOB PAPEES. last evening, however. He was practising a little this morning also on the piano, when a message came from a serious family in the next room beg- ging him not to play dancing tunes. He didn't. I had intended to have written to you more at length, but am off to New Orleans directly, and must pack my trunk. Boston is a great place. I am sorry I hadn't time to go and see the Monas- tery presided over by Abbot Lawrence, that was burned by the Orangemen. Yours truly and respectfully, John Ph(enix. XIV. A JOURNEY FEOM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. JN'cio Orleans, La. 1857. On the fifth of Januaiy, at eight a. m., I left the Tremont House in a hackney cai-riage, the wheels whereof had turned into runners. This method of progression, rendered necessary by the deep snows, is considered a great amusement in the North. Being particularly dangerous to life and limb, and usually terminating in pulmonary consumption, the pastime is very properly called sleighing. With a through-ticket for the great city of Cairo in my pocket, I took a seat in the cars at the Worcester rail-road depot. After waiting half-an-hour, during which time my sympathies were deeply interested by the performance of an unhappy young couple, one of whom was going somewhere and the other wasn't, and who in con- 146 THE SQUlBOB PAPERS. sequence were slobbering over each other to a ter- rible extent, a sudden harsh bark was heard from the engine, a grating jar, which acted on my teeth like lemon-juice, followed, and we were off. The motion of a rail-road car is of two kinds, which may be called the " heave and set, or whip-saw move- ment," and the " tip and sifter," names sufficiently expressive to require no farther explanation. We started on the " heave and set," which gradually merged into the " tip and sifter " as our velocity increased. On entering a rail-road car the first object of the solitary traveller should be to secure an entire seat to himself. This may generally be done suc- cessfully by taking the outside seat and skilfully disposing a small carpet-bag, great coat, umbrella, and cane, so as to cover the inner one. As the passengers throng into the car, many will gaze earnestly at the place thus occupied, but will usually prefer to move on rather than give you trouble ; but if the car is quite filled, the question will undoubtedly be asked, " Is that seat taken, FEOM BOSTON TO NEW OKLEANS. 147 Sir?" when you should reply with an imper- turbable countenance, " It is, Sir ! and the in- quirer, with perhaps a slight glance of suspicion, will move on. As a man's object should be to make himself as comfortable as possible in this world, that his mind may be in a proper frame to prepare for the next, a slight deviation from truth for the purpose of securing this object, like the above, is quite pardonable, in which opinion I am corroborated by my dear friend and Christian teacher. Rev. H. B. — tch — s, whose celebrated and useful aphorism, " Never lie, unless it is neces- sary," will doubtless recur to the reader's mind. Having made my arrangements in accordance with these views, and being as comfortable as cir- cumstances would permit, the motion of the cars being that of a small boat in a high sea, and their noise like unto a steam saw-mUl, I composed my- self to the journey. At Framingham the usual .-nuisances of raU^road cars commenced. First appeared the small boy with the Boston news- papers, which had been brought to him by our 148 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. train ; then the dirty boy, with the parched corn, who, in the intervals of trade, dabbles among his merchandise with his sore hand, and devours so much of that dry commodity, that you are fain to believe him to be his own best customer ; then the big boy, with the fearful apples, " three for five cents : " and finally that well-known, and most indefatigable wretch with the " lozengers," who on this occasion actually sold a roll of the de- scription called " checkerberry " to an elderly in- dividual of the Muggins family sitting near me, who eat them, and to my great joy, became wo- fdlly disordered in consequence. But the boy with the accordeon was not there — I think he has not yet got so far North. It was but a week before that I met him, however on the Philadel- phia cars. It was after eleven o'clock ; the train had passed New Brunswick, and the passengers were trying to sleep, (ha ! ha !) when the boy en- tered. He was a seedy youth, with a seal-skin cap, a singularly dirty face, a gray jacket of the ventilating order, and a short but remarkably FROM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. 149 broad pair of " corduroy-corduroys." He wore an enormous bag or haversack about his neck, and bore in his hand that most infernal and detestable instrument, an accordeon. I despise that in- strument of music. They pull the music out of it, and it comes forth struggling and reluc- tant, like a cat drawn by the tail from an ash-hole or a squirrel pulled shrieking from a hollow log with a ram-rod. This unprincipled boy com- menced pulling at his thing and horrified us with the most awful version of that wretched " Doai: Tray " that I ever listened to. Then he walked around the car and collected forty-two cents. Then he returned to the center of the car, and standing close to the stove, which was red hot — the night being cold — he essayed to pull out "Pop Goes the "Weasel," when suddenly pop went the boy ; he dropped the accordeon, burst into tears, and clapping his hands behind him, ex- ecuted a frantic dance, accompanied by yells of the most agonizing character. I saw it all, and felt grateful to a retributive Providence. He had 150 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. stood too close to the stove and his corduroys were in a light blaze ; a few inches below the termina- tion of the gray jacket was the seat of his wo. After he got on fire the conductor put him out, and a sweet and ineffable calm came over me. I realized that " whatever is, is right," and I fell in- to a deep and happy sleep. The musical nuisance, fortunately was spared us on this occasion. A tourist travelling by rail- road across the United States would have but lit- tle opportunity to collect notes for his forthcoming work. Thus my idea of Albany, at which Dutch village we arrived shortly after dark, are, a hasty scramble down a platform ; then huddling into a. sled with other bewildered and half-frozen passen- gers ; then a rapid foot-race of about a quarter of a mile, encouraged by shouts of " Leg it ! the cars are off." " No they aint ; plenty of time." " Hi ! hi ! there, round the ■ corner, them's the cars," etc. ; then more cars and we ground on. It was on this Albany and Buffalo train that a little incident occui'red which may be worthy of FROM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. 151 mention, and serve as a caution to future innocent travellers. I had observed that at each change of cars, and they were fi.-equent, -when the genei-al scramble took place, one car was defended from the assault by a stalwart man, usually of the Irish persuasion, who deaf to menaces, unsoftened by entreaty, and uncorrupted by bribes, maintained his post for the benefit of the " leddies." " Led- dies car, Sir, av ye please ; forrid cars for gintle- men without leddies." Need I say that this car so reserved was by the far most comfortable of the train, and that with that stem resolve which ever distinguishes me in the discharge of my duty toward myself, I determined to get into it couie qui coute. So when we changed cars at Utica, I rushed forth, and seeing a nice young person, with a pretty face, bonnet and shawl, and a large port- manteau, urging her way through the crowd, I stepped up by her side and with my native grace and gallantrj' offered my arm and my assistance. They were gratefully accepted, and proud of my success, I ushered my fait charge up to the plat- 152 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. form of the ladies' car. My old enemy was hold- ing the door. " Is that your lady, Sir ? " said he. With an inward apology to Mrs. Phoenix for the great injustice done to her charms by the admis- sion, I replied : " Yes." Judge of my horror when this low employee of a monopolizing and unaccommodating rail-road company addressing my companion with the tone and manner of an old acquaintance, said : " Well, Sal, I guess you've done well, but I don't believe his family will think much of the match." However, I got into the ladies' car and having repudiated the young person Sarah, got an exceedingly pleasant seat by the side of a very warm and comfortable young lady of a sleepy turn and quiet disposition. I wouldn't have exchanged her for two buffalo-robes, but alas ! she got off at Syracuse, and then, frosty Cau- casus, how cold it was ! And so grinding, and jolting, jarring, sliding, and freezing, wore away the long night. In the morning we were at Buffalo. I saw nothing of it but a rail-road depot ; but I remem- FKOM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. 153 ber thinking as I stamped my feet and thrashed my arms to restore the circulation, that if that sort of weather continued, "the Buffalo girls couldn't come out to-night," and would probably have to postpone their appearance until the sum- mer season. Among the passengers on the Erie rail-road was a very interesting family, on their way to Terre Haute. (Ind.) There was the father, a fine man- ly figure ; the mother, pale, delicate, and lady- like ; and niece, cousins, and babies innumerable, but all pretty and pleasant to behold. But the gem of the family was " Belle." Belle was the factotum, she nursed the babies, went errands for her father, helped her mother, and #as always on hand to render assistance to any body, anywhere ; and though her patience must have been sorely tried, she preserved her amiability and genuine good nature so thoroughly that she became to me an object of constant attention and admiration. She was evidently the manager of that family, and went about every thing with a busiiiess-like 7* 154 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. air, quite refresliing to observe. She was about sixteen years old, very pretty, neatly dressed, and of a most merry and vivacious disposition, as was evinced by every sparkle of her bright eyes. Farewell, " Belle," probably you'll never see this tribute from your unknown admirer, or meet him in propria personw ; but the loss will hardly be felt, for you must have more admirers already than you know what to do with. Happy is the man that's destined to ring the Belle of Terra Haute. All day and all night we ground on, " ripping and staving." We passed through Columbus where the people had been having a grand ball to celebrate the completion of their State Capitol, and picked up three hundred and eighty-four sur- vivors, each of whom contained a pint and a half of undiluted whiskey. And so in the morning we came to Cincinnati, where for fifteen minutes we tarried at the Burnett House, the most magnifi- cent hotel in these United States. Here I met with Fisher, the celebrated rail-road traveller, who FROM BOSTON TO NEW OKUEANS. 155 accompanied us to Sandoval, and with whom I was particularly charmed. Fisher is the original inventor of that ingenious plan of getting rid of an unpleasant occupant of the same seat, hy open- ing the window on the coldest night, so that the draught shall visit searchingly the back of the victim's neck ; and of that method of taking np the seat and disposing it as an inclined plane, and going to sleep thereon in such a complicated man- ner as to defy subsequent intrusion. What he does not know about rail-roads is of no manner of consequence and useless to acquire. Thanks to his experience, we enjoyed the luxury of two seats together, and it was with deep regret that I part- ed with him at Sandoval. The change of cars from the Erie to the Illinois Central, is a delight- ful incident. The latter has the broad gauge, the seats are comfortable and convenient, the speed exhilarating, and no exertion is spared by the civil conductors to render the passengers as happy as circumstances will permit. I have never trav- elled more comfortably than on the Illinois Cen- 156 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. tral, and hereby wisli long life and prosperity to the company. The third day and the third night were over, we had passed safely through the city of Sando- val, which consists of one house, where the cars are detained five hours for the benefit of an aged villain who gave us very poor roasted buzzard and called it wild turkey ; and, grateful to Providence, we arrived at Grand Cairo. I stepped out of the cars a shorter man than when I started. The friction for three days and three nights had reduced my height two-and-a-half inches ; a singular psychological fact, which I re- commend to the consideration of the learned Walker. Cairo is a small hole at the junction of the Ohio and Mississippi River, surrounded by an artificial bank to prevent inundation. There are here about thirteen inhabitants, but the population is estimated at three thousand, that being a rough estimate of the number of people that were once congregated there, when five trains of cars arrived FKOM BOSTON TO NEW OKLEANS. 157 before a boat left for New Orleans. They were enjoying the luxury of the small-pox at Cairo when we arrived; they are always up to some- thing of the kind ; a continued succession of amusements follow. The small-pox having ter- minated its engagement, the cholera makes its ap- pearance, and is then followed by yellow fever for the season. Sweet spot ! Dickens has immortal- ized it under the name of Eden, an evident mis- nomer, for no man worth as much as Adam could remain there by any possibility. The fine steamer " James Montgomery " was about to leave for New Orleans, and we soon found ourselves most comfortably, indeed luxuri- ously established on board. A very merry pas- sage we had to this great Crescent City, under the charge of our stout and jovial captain, whose ef- forts to amuse us, seconded as he was by the pret- ty and vivacious " widow," were entirely success- ful. The " General " also, a noble specimen of the gentlemen of Tennessee, proved himself a most agreeable travelling companion, and endeared 158 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. himself to our little society by his urbanity, cheer- fulness and fund of amusing and interesting anec dotes. Among our passengers was, moreover, the celebrated Eliza Logan, probably the finest actress now on the American stage, who has acquired a most enviable popularity, not only by her great profesional talent, but by her charms of conver- sation and her estimable reputation as a lady. She chants the " Marseillaise " in a style that would delight its author. One who wishes to realize for an instant what death is, should listen to her enunciation of the last words of the refrain of this celebrated composition ; if he can repress a shudder, he is something more or less than man. Accompanied by my old friend Butterfield, who had joined us at Memphis, I landed at New- Orleans, and proceeded forthwith to the Saint Charles Hotel. At this great tavern Amos ex- pected to meet his wife, who had arrived from California, to rejoin him after a three months' separation. I never have seen a man so nervous. He rode on the outside of the coach with the rSOM BOSTON TO NEW OELEANS. 159 driver, that he might obtain the earliest view of the building that contained his adored one. It was with great difficulty that I kept pace with him as he " tumultuously rushed " up the step leading to the Rotunda. In an instant he was at the office and gasping " Mrs. Butterfield." " In the parlor, Sir," replied Dan, and he was off. I followed and saw him stop with surprise as he came to the door. In the centre of the parlor stood Mrs. Butterfield. That admirable woman had adopted the very latest and most voluminous style ; and having on a rich silk of greenish hue, looked like a lovely bust on the summit of a new- mown hay-stack. Butterfield was appalled for a moment, but hearing her cry " Amos," he an- swered hysterically, " My Amander ! " and rushed on. He ran three times round Mrs. Butterfield, but it was of no use, he couldn't get in. He tiied to climb her, but the hoops gave way and frustrated the attempt. He extended his arms to her; she held out hers to him ; tears were in their eyes. 160 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. It was tlie most affecting thing I ever witnessed. Finally Mrs. Butterfield sat down, and Amos got behind the chair and kissed her, until their off- spring, by howling and biting the calf of his leg, created a diversion. They were very happy, so were the people in the parlor. Every body ap- peared delighted ; and a small boy, a year or two older than little Amos, jumped up and down like a whip-saw, and halloa'd " Hoop-ee " with all his might. " Butterfield," said P, an hour or two later, " I suspect that Mrs. Butterfield has adopted hoops." " Oh ! yes," answered he, " I saw that sticking out. Perhaps it will obviate the little tendency she had to blow up. I'm glad of it." I have taken room No. 3683 in this establish- ment, and am a looker on in Vienna. To be sure my view is that usually termed, " the bird's eye," but I am getting a tolerably good, idea of things. I should like very much to attend the ordination of Brother Buchanan in March next, and hear FROM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. 161 the Russian Minister preach, but I fear it will be impossible. You will hear from me when you receive my next letter. Respectfully yours. John Phcenix. XV. NEW ORLEANS — ITS HOTEL. The St. Charles Hotel is a lively and bustling village of about one thousand inhabitants, pleas- antly situated on the left bank of St. Charles street, which meanders through the centre of that sweet and swampy city,- New Orleans. The building presents a fine architectural ap- pearance, being built of white lime-stone, and having in front a colonnade of massive pillars, which have a very imposing effect, in more than one sense, as they look like marble, and are in fac* brick covered with stucco. But in spite of its conglomerate character, the structure is a fine one to gaze upon ; and its inhabitants, owners, and New Orleans at large, are proud and happy in its possession, and well they may be. The " St. Charles " is the Mecca of the Southern States. NEW ORLEANS — ITS HOTEL. 163 When the last bale of cotton has been shipped from the plantation and the last hogshead of sugar has followed it; when falling leaves and frosty- mornings betoken the approach of winter ; when the Spanish moss waves grandly from the lofty trees, alone in its verdure, and greasy niggers loll idly on the river banks, their large mouths water- ing over visions of " possum and hominy," then does the planter, rejoicing over the account of sales received from his agent, pack his trunks, gather together his family and prepare for his yearly pilgrimage. Having seen his family safely and comfortably bestowed in their luxurious state- rooms on board the floating palace that is to take him to New Orleans, he then proceeds to the "social hall," where, after indulging in sundry po- tent libations of corn-juice with a good set of fel- lows with whom he finds himself at once acquaint- ed, our planter gladly accepts the invitation of an innocent-looking youth to play a little game of • " euchre," "just for amusement." The game ac- cordingly commences and the party are soon deep- 164 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. ly engaged in the mysteries of " passing," " or- dering up," and " going it alone." But the best of games becomes tiresome at last, and the planter feels relieved when one of the party proposes to change the game to " draw-poker " with a dime "ante," "just to make it interesting." Pokers are drawn and the battle has begun in serious earnest. Our planter has various success ; now he is ten, perhaps twenty ahead, now five or ten " out," when suddenly, the innocent youth having the deal, he receives a hand of blissful promise, three queens, a seven, and four. How jealously our friend examines his hand, holding his cards tightly together and moving them just sufficiently to be quite sure there is no mistake about it. Then with a careless laugh he discards the worth- less seven and four, and says he believes he'll " go in." They all " go in," and a mass of silver, with one or two aged and crumpled shin-plasters, adorns the centre of the table. The innocent youth deals, and our planter, to his great satisfac- tion, receives a pair of nines. He slips his cards NEW ORLEANS ITS HOTEL. 165 hastily together, lays them on the table and awaits the result of the betting. The red-nosed man on his right " goes a five ; " the man with the bat- tered hat opposite, sees that and goes ten better ; the innocent youth " passes," and our planter, in a voice tremulous with emotion, " sees " the last bet and " goes fifty better." The man with the red nose groans and asks if he may take down his money, but the man with the battered hat, push- ing that article of dress still farther down over his sinister brow, puts his hands in his pocket and pulls forth the money. Here it is, twenty, forty, sixty, " two hundred dollars better ! " The plant- er is surprised. He takes another secret but earn- est glance at his cards. "A full," it can't be beaten. Out comes the old pocket-book, and he " calls." " Four kings,'''' says the man with the battered hat, and with the most business-like air imaginable rakes down the money with one hand and turns over his cards with the other. Our planter is disgusted, he leaves the table with an imprecation referring to the soul of the inno- 166 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. cent youth, takes more corn juice, and excepting a little dash at " chuck-a-luck " at which he loses seven dollars and wins a horn-handled knife and a pocket-book, tempts fortune no farther during the voyage. Meanwhile the innocent youth and his comrades divide the money in the " barber's shop," and go on shore at the next landing, well pleased with their success. On arriving at the St. Charles the planter's party are supplied with a parlor and the necessary sleeping apartments, and commence living at the rate of about five bales of cotton a week. The ladies come down to dinner the first day, present- ing perhaps a slightly seedy ajjpearance. Hoops have not yet been heard of at Kentucky Bend, and the bareges and organdies of last summer's wear look but limp and tawdry, and compare un- favorably with the brilliant silk robes that sur- round them. Still our family preserves a confi- dent and well-satisfied air ; they know " there's a good time coming ; " and it is refreshing to ob- serve the defiant glance they cast upon any indi- NEW ORLEANS ITS HOTEL. 167 I vidual who may chance to look too long or scru- tinizingly at their habiliments. The next day the chiysalis has opened, the full-painted butterfly comes forth. " Par " has been to his agents, the ladies have been to Madame Weasel and Mile. ChargenufF, and silk robes, with fearful flounces, hoops of vast dimensions, point lace, ribbons, and other flummery, are the order of the day. They breakfast at ten o'clock in the ladies' or- dinary, an operation which takes two hours and a half; then they go forth " shopping " (a groan comes in here from every Benedict who reads this paper) until three ; then " Adeline the hair- dresser," performs the most remarkable feats with their natural locks and the new braids they have purchased, and at half-past four they descend to dinner, arrayed in such magnificence as Solomon m all his glory never began to have the least idea of. Dinner, which consists principally in an ani- mated contest with the waiters, who won't bring any thing they are sent for, but will persist in car- 168 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. rying every thing off that may chance to be upon the table, lasts an hour or two, and then our ladies adjourn to the parlor, where sitting around in groups, surrounded by their favorite beaux, they gaze affably on the grand crowd of masculine in- dividuals that surround the door, not one of whom knows a lady present, and not one of whom but wishes he knew them all. However, " a cat may look upon a king," and we doubt not that Adam after being kicked out of Paradise, frequently went and peeped longingly into the gate of that garden. So continue to gaze, O Jones, Smith, and Robinson ! and envy as you may the happy fellows who have had introductions. In the evening our ladies go to the French opera, (where the performance is a matter of sec- ondary interest to the struggle of the spectators to out-do each other in richness of attire,) or to theaters, or — it is a fact — to the circus, more tastefully termed the " horse-opera," which last is patronized to a greater extent in this city than FROM BOSTON TO NEW ORLEANS. 169 any other place of amusement. Then comes sup- per, oysters and cold turkey, and they retire. But on Monday evenings the St. Charles is in its glory, for then comes off the -weekly " hop." A hop is generally supposed to be a small and in- formal dancing party, at which the ordinary din- ner dress may be worn with respectability. But as the ladies from Mississippi, and Tennes- see, and Louisiana, and Kentucky, and Arkansas, and Milliken's Bend, and every other part of the world, have a large number of party dresses of amazing beauty and richness, and not a very great number of opportunities of displaying them, it so happens that our " hops " at the St. Charles Ho- tel, are what in other places are denominated full- dress balls. Here you may see the celebrated Mrs. A — — , whose first husband left her in pos- session of such an immense estate, accompanied by her niece, the lovely Miss A , the belle of Alabama ; the dashing and magnificent widow B , whose four hundred bales a year are her least attraction ; the exquisitely beautiful Mrs. 170 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. G , from " the Coast," whose charms of man- ner and conversation have made her the belle of the St. Charles ; Mrs. D , quiet but observ- ing ; pretty Miss E , from Kentucky ; lively Miss F -, the Philadelphia heiress ; Mrs. G , tall, stately, and always tastefully dressed ; little Miss H , with her hair done a la Chinoise, and her feet in the same style ; the pretty Misses J , Kentucky beauties ; Miss K , superb- ly dressed, whose dress-maker's bill is fifteen hun- dred dollars a year ; Madame L , the " Ad- mirable Crichton " of the female sex, from Mo- bile ; and so on through the alphabet, including all the wealth, fashion, beauty, and extravagance of the South. It was at one of these gay reiinions that dear little Miss B , one of the prettiest and best girls in the world, asked Butterfield, who stood sweltering in the corner, how- he enjoyed himself. " Hops," replied the sage, " have a soporific tendency, and I do mainly incline to sleep." " You look," said little Miss B , " as if a NEW ORLEANS — ITS HOTEL. 171 continuation of these hops would bring you to your bier." Amos acknowledged the malt by a cheerful guffaw, and looking down on his swelling form murmured, " Larger," and subsided into an arm- chair. Annually at the St. Charles are given those grand dress balls, which have attained a Union-wide ce- lebrity, and which are well worth travelling over the Union to attend. Three thousand invitations were issued to the grand ball of this season, and a more crowded, uncomfortable, or magnificent spectacle I never expect to witness. The large suite of rooms were crowded to excess by the most lovely, bewitching, and animated crowd that ever were assembled. Dancing was impossible, they could not do the schottisch, there was not room to pump arms. But it was a glorious spectacle, and so select. I . observed among the masses on that gay occasion, the curvilinear proboscis of a well-known Hebrew, 172 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. who supports himself and contributes to the hap- piness of mankind by selling shirts on Canal street. He was enjoying himself greatly in a full flow of the finest spirits, when he suddenly " paused in mid career," blenched, and his face as- sumed a fine expression of humility and confusion. Looking about for the cause of this appearance, I descried Buttcrfield gazing upon the victim with a highly virtuous and indignant glance. " What are you looking at the man for ? " said I ; " you don't know him." " Don't I ? " said Amos in a vindictive whis- per ; " but I do though. Sell shirts. Sir ; sold me a shirt without any , well," added he in mod- est confusion, " when I came to examine it I found it was like Halley's comet, or that fox that JEsop tells about after he got out of the trap." " You don't tell me that," said I. " It's so," replied Butterfield ; " look here," and pulling me into a corner, he drew from the pock- et of his vest a crumpled piece of paper, which thrusting into my hand he whispered, " Read that," and disappeared. NEW ORLEANS ITS HOTEL. 173 I opened the paper and with some difficulty de- ciphered the following touching and beautiful "LINES TO A NISKAELITE." " Ot ! were we but alone, in some region wild and -woody, I'd like to punch your head, old Shylock, Nazareth dy. A cambric shirt to me you once did make a sale of. But when I took it home, I found you'd out the off ; Whether to make a cravat, or whether to wipe your nose. Sir, I really do not know, but on me you did impose, Sir. Like a man without a wife, like a ship without a sail, Sir, The most useless thing in life, was that shirt without a , Sir, ' Vail it ish vary goot,' old Shylock Nazareth dy. But I'd like to make you wear it, yes indeed. Sir, would I." « The touching and plaintive character of this morceau affected me beyond description ; it does, I think, great credit to Butterfi eld's acknowledged poetical ability. I should say that there was a great deal of hos- pitality in New Orleans, which (with some nota- ble exceptions) appears to be graduated pretty closely to the number of bales of cotton annually shipped to that city, by the recipient.* As there * Thus it has been sagely remarked, that a stranger in New- Orleans must giye bale to be well-received, and hence, when a 174 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. are a vast number of strangers that do not ship cotton at all, and of course have a great deal of leisure time at their disposal, it follows that " the Eotunda " of the St. Charles is pretty constantly filled. This " Rotunda " forms the centre of the building ; it contains about half-an acre of tessel- ated floor, and is furnished with most comfortable, cushioned arm-chairs. Here, if you take a seat between the hours of eleven a. m. and two p. m., you will have the pleasure of seeing every white male inhabitant of New Orleans, and the majority of those inhabitants* of the whole United States that are worth knowing, and with whom you have acquaintance. They come and go, a constant panorama of familiar forms and faces. The origin of the word " Rotunda " is singular, and not generally known. At the risk of appear- ing pedantic, I will " norate " it. Many years ago, shortly after the foundation of Rome, a dis- tinguished architect of those days, named Claudi- resident of the city is observed to be peculiarly kind and atten- tive to a visitor, they are said " to cotton " to each other. NEW ORLEANS ITS HOTEL. 175 US Vitellius Smithers, erected the first building that ever was surmounted by a dome. This build- ing was originally intended for a " savings institu- tion," but the Roman that officiated as cashier having left with the fdnds, it was used successive- ly as a market, dance-house, theatre, and Presby- terian meeting-house, and finally fell into decay and became a mere mass of ruin. Such it re- mained until the time of the Emperor Alexander Severus, when that monarch one day, accompa- nied by his courtiers, came down to examine the ruins, with a view to purchasing the lot on which they lay. Here the Emperor's eyes were attract- ed by the fallen dome, which he gazed on with great curiosity, and finally picking his steps over the stones and rubbish that intervened, he found his way beneath it. The ancient Romans had the same partiality for cheap distinction that animates the modern Yankees ; they lost no opportunity of leaving their autograph in all public and private places ; the consequence was, that when the Em- peror looked up he was amazed at the number of 176 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. inscriptions that the interior of the old dome pre- sented. It was quite black with ancient and re- spectable appellations. " Ha ! " said the Empe- ror Alexander Severus, with the air of a man that has made a great discovery, (and with an utter disregard of all grammatical rules,) " Ifs been wrote under.'''' His principal courtier, Naso Sneakellius, instant- ly repeated the remark, with sycophantic rever- ence to the by-standers, getting about as near it as that stupid official generally did to every thing : " The Emperor," he said " says that this has been a Rotunda. Hats off! " The Romans all bowed with great solemnity, not having the most dim or distant idea of the joke, and the interior of a dome from that day to this has been called a Rotunda. I have not told you one-half of the greatness and magnificence of the " St. Charles," but I have not time nor paper to continue. I can only add that it is a most agreeable place to pass the winter, that the proprietor is pleasant and attentive to his NEW ORLEANS ITS HOTEL. 177 numerous families, (when he makes a fortune the St. Charles Hotel will make a great Haul,) and that any one who doubts that it is a delightful place of sojourn had better proceed there at once and have his mind set at rest, which can be done at small expense. Fain would I tell you of " the St. Louis," and of the theatres, and of the opera, and of the " Boston Club," (so called from the sanctity of appearance and dignified demeanor of its members, who are a right nice set of gentle- men, and hospitable to strangers, cotton or no cotton,) but as the man who lost his watch said, "I have no time." The other wonders of New- Orleans for this present, must go unrecorded by this veracious historian, for he is compelled to des- sicate. Adieu, should I write again, you will undoubt- edly hear from me. Respectfully yours, John Phcenix, Prof., etc. 8* XVI MATTEES AND THINGS IN SAN FKAN- CISCO. The Limantour (Le Menteur') title to about one-half of San Francisco, has lately been con- firmed amid weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. John Nugent of the Herald, remarked to me that he didn't like the title of my book, " Phe- nixiana;" said it wasn't a good one. I told him it was as good as any one ; no title was worth a red cent in this country. (Play on the word deed — he ! he ! ) . . . Like unto Mr. Spar- rowgrass, I have recently purchased a horse ; bought him as " perfectly sound." With the ex- ception of two wind-galls, a splint, and a ring- bone, he appears to be. But lo, you ! as I was driving him a-down the street this morning, a man MATTERS IN SAN PEANCISCO. 179 (Johnson, you don't know him) said unto me : " Hello ! why don't you get two horses for that heavy buggy ? — that's too much for one." I know you don't like puns — /don't ; despise any body that makes them : but I told Johnson I didn't like display, and preferred to drive about in a one- horsetentatious manner. ( Play on the word charger.) Johnson smiled, and I went off with upright carriage. . . . Since writing the above, a little incident has (actually) transpired that I think will please you. Our little girl, yclept Daisey, fourteen months old, blue eyes, yel- low hair, and with a gradually increasing taste for comic almanacs, pleasing to notice, sat upon the floor playing with Harper, Putnam, ye Eclectic, and ye goodlye Knickerbocker, when a sudden ejaculation from the maternal relative, and the spectacle of the baby borne from the room with great precipitancy, attracted my attention. The periodicals suffered. " Never mind," said I to my wife, " I must tell my friend ' Old Knick ' of that, . and he will rejoice with exceeding great joy to 180 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. hear it." " I don't see why," said she. " No ? " answered I ; " why what could be a more satisfac- tory proof of a hterary turn, than to find a child of this precocious age pouring over the columns of the Knickerbocker ? " By the way, this reminds me of " suthin " else. Many months ago, when Daisey was but a callow infant, I was afflicted with a grievous cough, and one night, far in the deep watches, I gave vent to such a cough, pro- longed, terrific, hideous, that I woke myself, wife, and infant, which last set up a most unearthly and tremendous yell. " There," said my sympathiz- ing partner : " You've gone and woke up the baby." I was wroth at this uncalled-for remark, and replied : " Well, I'm glad of it." There was a moment's silence, and then she asked : " Why ? " " Well," said I, " it shows the child has a tender disposition and feeling heart. She is weeping over her father's covgliing." There was silence at the Mission of Dolores for the space of about half an hour after that. ... I did not intend to have commenced another sheet, but as I have done so, MATTERS IN SAN FKANCISCO. 181 I cal'late I had better tell you a small anecdote about Captain Wallen, of the Fourth Foot, which he told me, and I thought at the time, I remem- ber, was worthy of repetition. Wallen started down from the Dalles to Vancouver, to bring up a party of recruits to fight the locomotive Indians. He stopped for the night at the Cascades, in the house of an old man, hight " Uncle Sammy," an inquisitive old fellow, about eighty-six, .and deaf as a haddock. After supper the old man, old wo- man, and Wallen, drew up chairs around a blazing wood fire. The old man immediately commenced applying the brakfe, (good expression for pump ? ) " What are ye goin' daown to the maouth of the river for ? " " After recruits," replied Wallen, at the top of his voice. "Hey?" "After Ke- cruits ! " roared Wallen again. " Can't hear ye." Then the old lady moved round, and putting her mouth to the old man's ear, shouted, in a voice that would have done credit to Stentor after he'd got a little in years : " He's a goin' daown — ar- 182 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. ter re-cruits — sugar — and — coffee — and sich! " . . . One small (Irish) yarn more, and I'll " dry up," tambien. Premises : You know a sol- dier has two dresses — full-uniform and fatigue : the one blazing with worsted embroidery ; t'other, dull and sombre-looking. Patrick Hogan, of the Second United States Foot, stationed, in the year of grace, '36, at Tampa Bay, E. F., went forth one day into the wilderness near the barracks, and seating himself beneath a palmetto, essayed to read a small Roman Catholic book called " The Words of Jesus," when " zoom ! " a yellow- jacket hornet stung him under the left ear. " It hurt," and Pat chased the " little animil " for some time, but fruitlessly. Next day, went forth again : same tree ; same book ; " words," etc. ; every thing quiet, when, buzz ! buzz ! a large brown beetle came flying up. Pat looked at him, and left : " Ah ! be J ," said he, " my boy, d'ye think I don't know you in yer fatagues ? " On reading this over it don't sound as funny as it MATTERS IN SAN FRANCISCO. 183 did when Dr. Byrne of the United States Army told it to me ; but it's a deuced good story, and if ever we three meet again, I'll have him tell you that, et al., which you never heard before. XVII. JOHN RANDOLPH OF ROANOKE. In an account of the death of John Randolph of Roanoke, which went the rounds of the press a year or two since, it was stated that Mr. Ran- dolph, during his last moments, wrote the word " Remorse " on one of his visiting-cards, and con- tinued to gaze upon it with a melancholy expres- sion until his eyes were closed in death. This statement was dwelt upon with much unction, par- ticularly by the religious papers ; the evident ef- fect produced by it being the idea that this great man was troubled in mind, at this solemn period, by the memory of some unrepented and unatoned- for crime. The following passage from " Chitten- den's Western Virginia " may serve to throw some light on the subject : JOHN RANDOLPH OF ROANOKE. 185 " The day after the funeral, a stranger, dressed in deep black, called at the mansion and inquired for Mr. Randolph. He was ignorant of the mel- ancholy event that had occurred, and was profound- ly shocked when told of Mr. Randolph's death. He inquired particularly if Mr. Randolph had not asked for him, stated that his business with him had been urgent, and that he had been especially directed to call upon the day on which he arrived, and expressed the deepest regret that he had come too late. On going away, the stranger left his card, on which was engraved, ' R. E. Morse, Cul- pepper County, Va.' This man was never seen again, and, though frequent inquiries were subse- quently made for him, they proved unsuccessful. It was supposed by Burwell that this must have been the agent alluded to by Mr. Randolph in his account of the Cuban affair." XVIII. THE GYROSCOPE. A REVIEW. It is with the greatest pleasure that we acknowl- edge the receipt from that gifted author, of the " Analysis of Kotary Motion, as applied to the Gyroscope," by Major J. G. Barnard, A. M., Corps of Engineers, U. S. Army. The " Gyro- scope"' has always been with us a favorite instru- ment. Of beautifully simple construction, easily managed, and exceedingly gratifying in its results, we know of no machine equally adapted to house- hold use, or more eminently fitted for the amuse- ment or instruction of a small family. It has re- mained for Professor Barnard, in the interesting treatise alluded to above, to explain, in a simple style, easily comprehended by the merest child, the operation of this instrument, and to show by a THE GYROSCOPE. 187 clear and beautiful analysis the principle upon which its results depend. There are certain points in " the Analysis," however, on which, with all due humility, we must venture to differ with Professor Barnard ; for instance, on page 545 we have the following : " Knowing this fact, we may assume that the impressed velocity n is very great, and hence cos B — cos a exceedingly minute, and on this supposition obtain integral of equations 6 and 7, which will express with all requisite accu- racy the true gyroscopic motion." We doubt very much the propriety of making these assump- tions ; the Mathematics is properly an exact science, and we are by no means prepared to ad- mit the exceeding minuteness of the cos d — cos a, until it is demonstrated to us unmistakably. Again, on page 545, the Professor.says : " By de- veloping and neglecting the powers of u superior to the square, we have : " siQ ^^^sin ^a — u sin 2 a -|- u ^cos 2 a, etc." Allow us to inquire the object of developing the 188 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. powers of u, provided they are to be subsequently neglected ? Can Professor Barnard answer this question ? Or, how do we know that m, or its powers, are superior to the square, which, as every school-boy knows, is next to the sphere, the most perfect of figures ? But we have no wish to be hypercritical; our remarks are merely made with the object of discovering the truth, which re- sult deep research only can obtain ; as Cicero beautifully remarks, " De profundis clamavi," or " out of the deep have I procured a clam ; " show- ing in a figurative manner the necessity that he felt of thorough investigation on the most ordinary occasions. The analysis of Professor Barnard is written in a playful, humorous style, admirably adapted to popular comprehension, and, like the chaste works of Professor Bache, formerly noticed favorably in this journal, contains nothing that could bring a blush on the cheek of the most fas- tidious, the whole subject being treated in the most delicate manner, and all unpleasant allusions care- fully avoided. We cordially recommend to each THE GYROSCOPE. 189 of our readers to purchase the work for himself and Mrs. Smith, and a copy for each of the chil- dren, satisfied that they will be well repaid by its perusal. XIX. THE SONG OF "NOTHIN' SHORTER." BY H. W. TAILBOT. I transmit to you a heroic poem, the production of the author, 'Mr. H. Wadding Tallboy, which it strikes me any one might have waited to read, six months at least, and prflbahly longer, with satisfac- tion and advantage. Several fi lends of mine, who have had a sly peep at the manuscript, declare that " this quaint legend is told with exquisite grace, sweetness, and power ! " and I trust you wUl be of their opinion. You will perceive the moral is excellent, and the general tone unexceptionable ; nothing in fact being introduced which could bring a blush upon the cheek of the most fastidious. The main incidents are facts ; and thus woven to- SONG OF " NOTHIN' SHORTER." 191 gether form a pretty little romance, sweet indeed to dwell upon. At the Mission of Dolores, Near the town of San Francisco, Dwelt an ancient Digger Indian Who supported his existence Doing " chores " and running errands, (When he " got more kicks than coppers.") He was old and gaunt and ghostly. And they called him " Step-and-fetch-it." Old and grim and ghostly was he, Tet he had a lovely daughter, Sweet and budding, though not blushing. For her skin was kinder tawny. So she really eould'nt do it. But she was a " gushing creature," And her springing step so fawn-like " Knocked the hind sights " off the daughters Of the usurers consequential, Who in buggies ride, important. Rattling past the lonely toll-gate, Tes, a sweet and fairy creature Was old "Step-and-fetch-it's" daughter, And her name was, " Tipsydoosen," Or ye young grass-hopper eater I 192 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Should you ask me whence this story. Whence this legend and tradition ? I should answer, " That's my business ; And were I to go and tell you, You would know as much as I do." Should you ask who heard this story, This queer story, wild and wayward ? I should answer, I should tell you, All the California people. Pipes of Pipesville, King of William, Jones and Cohen, Kean Buchanan, And Miss Heron, sweet as sugar ; And the Chinese, eating birds'-nests, Well they know old « Step-and-fetch-it." Near a grocery at the Mission, Step-and-fetch-it and his daughter -In the sun were once reclining. Near them lay a whiskey-bottle, Mighty little was there in it. For the old man's thirst consuming Caused that fluid to evaporate. In his hand old ' Step-and-fetch-it " Held a big chunk of boiled salmon, And as fish, bones, all he bolted, Wagged from side to side his visage. And with moans, strange, wild, portentous, SONG OF " NOTHIn' SHORTER." 193 Sung the song of " Nothin' Shorter," Accompanied by Tipsydoosen, In four sharps, upon the Jew's-harp. " Twang a diddle^ twang a diddle Twang a diddle, twang a diddle, Twang, Twang, Twang, Turn!" "Nothin' Shorter" was a "digger;" So am I, and nothin' shorter ; (Thus he sang, old " Step-and-fetch-it,") And he lived upon the mountains. Dug his roots and pulled the acorns, And the rich grass-hoppers roasted. Happy was he, bold and fearless, Had no troubles to molest him. Had no fleas upon his blanket. For in fact he had'nt got one. " But one morning gazing earthward," He beheld a pond of water Which he forthwith fell in love with, And the pond reciprocated. And they loved each other fondly, Happy long they were together. Twang a diddle, twang a diddle. Twang ! Twang ! Twang I 194 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Yes, the pond loved " irGthiii' Shorter, Every day she bathed his forehead, Gave him drink when he was thirsty, "Would have washed him well all over, Only that would take the dirt off, And the grease, and yellow ochre. In which his very soul delighted. But "they lived and loved together;" Yes, they lived and loved together (An original expression) Till the sun, with fever scorching. Caused the little pond to " dry up." Then was "Nothin' Shorter" angry. Loud he howled, and tore his breech-cloth. And with fury shrieked and da,nced, As on the sun he poured his curses. And he cried, " Scallewagger ! " Which is the Indian name for sun, " Sir, You have been, and gone, and done it. It was you dried up my sweet-heart, Killed the beauteous Muddybottom, You confess it ; you confess it." And he saw the sun wink at him. As if to say he felt glad of it. Then up started " Nothin' Shorter," And making quick a pair of mittens Out of wUlow-bark and rushes, SONG OF " NOTHIN' SHORTER." 195 With them rent a crag asunder, Rent a jutting crag asunder, And, picking up the scattered pieces. Hurled them at the sun in vengeance, And so fast the rocks kept flying That the air was nearly darkened And obscured, so " Nothln' Shorter " Could not see but what he hit it. So he ran and kept on throwing Stones and dirt, and other missiles. Till the sun, which kept retreating, Got alarmed at his persistence. And behind the western mountains Hid his recreant head in terror. But the last rock " Nothin' Shorter " Threw, fell back on his " cabeza" And produced a comminuted Fracture of the cerebellum. " Twang a diddle, twang a diddle^ Twang, Twang, turn? For some time poor " Nothin' Shorter ' Lay upon the earth quite senseless, Till a small exploring party Under Colonel John C. Fremont, Picked him up and fixed his bruises, 196 THE SQTJIBOB PAPERS. Put on " Dalley's pain-extractor, And some liqiiid opodeldoc. When relieved, though sorely shattered, He sat up, upon his haunches, And to Fremont told his story. Gravely listened that young savan, "Wrote it down upon his n6te-book, Had old Preuss to make a drawing Representing " Nothin' Shorter " Throwing boulders ; then he gave him An old blanket and a beef-bone, And when he asked him for a quarter, Told him to go unto the Devil. But far away in eastern cities Fremont told that tale of wonder; And a certain famous poet Heard it all and saw the picture, Wrote it out and had it printed In one volume post octavo. And I wish I had the money For this song of « Nothin' Shorter." Twang a diddle, twang a diddle, Twang I Twang I Twang ! At this juncture, Amos Johnson Rushed tumultuously from his grocery. SONG OF " NOTHIN' SHORTER." 197 Crying, " Dern your Indian uproar ; Stop tliat noise and ' dry up ' quickly, Or, by the Eternal Jingo ! I'll ^" here he saw Miss Tipsydoosen,- And the heart of Amos caved in. As afterward he told Miss Stebbins That she "just completely knocked him." Why should I continue longer ? " Gentiles," well ye know the sequel. How the bright-eyed Tipsydoosen, Now is Mrs. Amos Johnson ; Wears gipure, and old point laces, And wont visit Mrs. Hodgkins, 'Cause her husband once made harness. Tes, a leader of the fashion Now is " Young Grasshopper-Eater," And the ancient " Step-and-fetch-it " Has a residence at " Johnson's ; " In the back-yard an umbrella Stuck for his accommodation. Where he sleeps and dreams fair visions Of the days of "Nothin' Shorter;" And the moral of my tale is, " To he virtuous and be happy." XX. THE MASSACHtrSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIA- TIOK JVahant House, Aug. 6, 1857. While deeply interested in tlie discussion of the luxurious repast provided for the happy guests of this mansion yesterday afternoon, my attention was diverted by the sound of music of a wild and Saracenic description, resounding from the exteri- or of the building. The melody appeared to be that portion of the " Battle of Prague " which represents the " cries of the wounded," accompa- nied by an unlimited amount of exertion on the part of the operator on the bass drum. Hastily rushing to the window, bearing elevated on my fork the' large potato from which I had partially removed the cuticle, (Stevens gives us enormous potatoes, it takes twenty minutes to skin one prop- erly,) I beheld a procession, numbering some three or four hundred, all in their Sunday clothes, every MASSACHUSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIATION. 199 man with a cigar in his mouth, slowly and solemn- ly moving past the hotel. They bore a banner at their head, on which was depicted an enormous cork-screw, or some instrument of that description, with the motto " A long -pull, a strong pull, ahd a pull all together." Judge of my astonishment and delight in recognizing in the beam of this ban- ner, my old friend, the philanthropic tushraaker, of wide-spread dental renown. As the procession reached the front of the hotel, each man threw away his cigar, and having replaced it by a large quid of tobacco, defiled on the esplanade beneath the piazza in a tolerably straight line, and then gazing intently at the windows, opened his mouth, from one auricular orifice to the other, and showed his teeth. Never have I seen so glittering a dis- play. Filled with curiosity, I was about to ask an explanation, when my friend Doolittle from An- droscoggin, who had rushed to the window at the same time with myself, saved me from the trouble, by demanding with an incoherent and exceedingly nasal pronunciation, " Why, what on airth is this 200 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. ere ? " " This," replied the courteous Hiram, whose suavity of manner is only equalled by the beauty of his person, " this, sir, is the American Dental Association, composed of members from all parts of both continents, and the British West India Islands." " Jerewsalem,^' said Doolittle, " three hundred tewth carpenters ! " It was indeed a thrilling spectacle. To think of the amount of agony that body of men had produced, and were capable of yet producing, to think of the blood they had shed, and of their daring and impetuous charges, after the gory ac- tion was over ! The immortal charge of the six hundred at Balaclava was not a circumstance to the charges made daily by this three hundred. As Hiram had truly said, these were dentists from all parts of the civilized world and elsewhere. There was the elegant city practitioner, with shiny hat and straw colored gloves, side by side with the gentleman from the country, who hauls a man all over the floor for two hours, for a quarter of a dollar, and gives him the worth of his money. I Sedan-chaibs and Pannibbs. — Seepage 244. MASSACHUSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIATION. 201 observed that forty-seven of them wore white hats, and two hundred and sixty-eight used tobacco in some form. There can be no question that this substance is a preservative to the teeth. I ob- served, in the rear rank, the ingenious gentleman who invented the sudden though painful method of extracting a tooth by cHmbing a tree, and con- necting by a ca:tgut string the offending member with a stout limb, and then jumping down ; a highly successful mode of operation, but not calcu- lated to become popular, in the community. He wore buckskin moccasins and did not appear to be enjoying a successful practice. But while I gazed with deep interest upon the assembly, the band struck up " TomTug,^^ and away they went. Three times they encircled the hotel, then " with their wings aslant, like the fierce cormorant " swooped down upon the bar, regis- tered their names, and took a grand united Fed- eral drink, (each man paying for himself) Here toasts and sentiments were the order of the day. " The American Dental Association, like water- 202 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. men, we pull one way and look another." — "A three dollar cavity, very filling at the price." — " The woodcock, emblem of dentistry — he picks up his living from tho holes and passes in a pre- cious long bill." The memory of Dr. Beale, drank standing. These, with other sentiments of a similarly meritorious character were given, and received with great applause. Having all drank from the flowing bowl, the as- sociation again formed in line in front of the piaz- zas, which were now crowded with a curious and admiring throng, and sang with surprising harmo- ny the following beautiful, plaintive and appropri- ate chant : — 1. "Oh, Jonathan Gibbs he broke his tewth A eatin' puddin', a eatin' puddin' — Jonathan Gibbs he broke his tewth A eatin' puddin', a eatin' puddin'. 2. " Great lumps of suet, they stuck intew it, Intew it, intew it, intew it, intew it, Great lumps of euet, they stuck intew it. As big as my two thumbs." MASSACHUSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIATION. 203 This chant finished, and the applause subsiding, an air of gravity came over the association, and the president. Dr. Tushmaker, stepping forward, announced that a few pleasing and wonderful per- formances would now be gone through with, with the object of exhibiting the dexterity acquired by the members of the society. Then turning to the line he gave the command, " Draw ! " In an in- stant every one of the association was armed with a brilliant turnscrew. " Fix ! " shouted Dr. Tush- maker, and each member opened his mouth and attached the fearful instrument to a back tooth. ^^ Haul ! " screamed the doctor. "Hold, for God's sake," shouted I, but it was too late ; three hundred double fanged back teeth, dripping with blood, were held exultant in the air. The associ- ation looked cool and collected ; there might have been pain, but, like the Spartan boy, they repressed it ; the ladies with a wild cry of horror fled from the piazza. " Replace I " shouted Dr. Tush- maker, and in an instant every tooth returned to 204 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. the mouth whence it came, I understood it at once, it was ball practice with blank cartridge — they were all false teeth. Several other interest- ing exercises were gone through with. A hack- man passing by on his carriage was placed under the influence of chloroform, all his teeth extract- ed without pain, and an entire new and elegant set put in their place, all in forty-two seconds. His appearance was wonderfully improved ; he had been known, for years, as " snaggled toothed Bill," but a new and more complimentary title will have to be devised for him. Wonderful are the improve- ments of science. At 5 o'clock the procession was reformed, and the band played " Pull Brothers, Pull" the association moved off, returning by the Nelly Baker to Boston. I have never seen three hundred dentists to- gether before, and I don't believe any body else ever did, but I consider it a pleasing and an im- proving spectacle, and would suggest that the next time they meet they make an excursion which MASSACHUSETTS DENTAL ASSOCIATION. 205 shall combine business with pleasure, and all go down together and remove the snags from the mouth of the Mississippi. Yours respectably, J. P . XXI. THE LEGEND OP JONES. JVahant House, Aug 10, 1857. During the past week Nahant bas presented an unusually lively and fashionable appearance. On Sunday, nine hundred guests sat down to dinner together at " the House." I wish I could say one thousand, but, like that boy who stated that his father had killed ninety-nine pigeons at a shot, and on being asked why he didn't say a hundred, indignantly replied, " Do you suppose my father would tell a lie for one pigeon ? " my habit of ex- actitude forbids. Our society is composed of peo- ple from all parts of the Union ; Bostonians, so- cial, affable and particularly kind and attentive to strangers; "Western people, cool, distingui, and difficult of access ; and Southerners, lively, bust- ling, but close, calculating and abstemious. All enjoy the cool and delightful breezes from the sea, THE LEGEND OF JONES. 207 the rides upon the beach, the bathing in the surf, which last is funnier to gaze upon than to actively participate in ; the yatching, fishing and other amusements of the hour. Signor BHtz has been here, performing his wonderful feats, and feet more wonderful are nightly displayed in the drawing- room during the progress of our hops. It gives me pleasure to inform you that " the man who parts his hair in the middle," has arrived ; he at- tended the hop last evening and engaged in " the Lancus " with frantic violence, being apparently in great agony from a pair of tight boots. I dis- covered him in the barber's shop, this morning, lost in a pensive reverie before a looking-glass. He passes much of his time in this way, and won't try sea bathing, or chew tobacco, for fear of injur- ing his complexion. " The Double Eye Glass Club," (D. I. G. C. they place after their names,} are flourishing ; two of them have improved so they can see through their glasses nearly as well as they can without them. It is quite refreshing to see a member take down his glass to read the 208 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. morning papers, and the haste with which he re- places it if surprised by an outsider. A friend of mine named M , from New Orleans, who has always had a taste for fashionable life, and in fact has nearly starved himself to death to improve his figure, being anxious to join the club, went to Bos- ton yesterday for the purpose of procuring the tools. Entering a fashionable jewelry establish- ment he made known his wishes, and a box of double eye glasses was placed at once before him. " What focus would you prefer, sir ? " inquired the shopkeeper with immense politeness. " Win- dow glass,^' replied M. solemnly, " I'm not near- sighted, sir, I'm stopping at Nahant." " Oh, ex- actly," said the jeweler, and he fitted out his cus- tomer with great celerity. M. says he is afraid it won't work, the instrument pinches his nose to that extent that he has acquired a nasal pronunci- ation, and it is painful to him to bid his friends " Good bordig." Jones has been here ! My first interview with Jones was on board the magnificent floating palace THE LEGEND OF JONES. 209 which he so ably commands. In other words, Jones is the captain of an old stearliboat, and " 'twas there we met, 'twas there we loved, and I confessed " that he could take my hat. The circumstances were these ; I had just got through with an animating altercation with the clerk on the subject of my quarters for the night. Persuaded that my health required sudorific treat- ment, that individual had bestowed upon me a very small stateroom in close proximity to the boiler where the thermometer would have stood at 212° in the shade. At this I rebelled, and the clerk being obstinate and disobliging, it was only after great exertion, and the intervention of nu- merous friends, that matters were finally settled on a peaceful basis. While sitting on a sofa in the cabin, reposing on my laurels and hugging the trophy of victory in the shape of a new stateroom key, Jones approached. He is a large gentleman, of perhaps fifty-five years of age, with grizzled hair, prodigious nose, and a most wmnmg expres- sion of countenance, calculated to sour the freshest 210 THE SQOTBOB PAPERS. milk at a single glance. Seating himself by my side, Jones revived the subject of the difficulty, taking, of course, entirely my view of it through- out ; then looking at me with a most amiable smile, he said, " You are not a man to get into trouble any how ; you have one of them open faces that shows me that your only object in life is to make yourself happy and every one around you happy." My face opened at once ; Jones had me ; I always flattered myself I had a re- markably ingenuous expression, and was delighted at his ready insight into my character. He then went below to take the clerk to task. Having occasion to light a cigar, I passed by the office and inadvertently overheard the conclusion of his re- marks to that individual. " My dear sir," said Jones, "you have one of them open faces that shows me your only object in life is to make your- self happy and every one around you happy ! " I saw Jones but once more that evenino;. He was sitting by the side of a rather pretty, but rapid THE LEGEND OF JONES. 211 looking lady in a pink organdie, on a Ute a Ute chair in the after cabin. She appeared to be pleased and interested by the conversation of Capt. Jones. As I passed them on my way to my state- room, I heard him say in soft accents, " You have one of them open faces that shows me your only object in life is to make yourself happy and ev- ery one around you happy." I observed that the lady in the pink organdie looked at Capt. Jones on this with a sweet expression, much as if she had a spoonful of Maderia jelly in her mouth, and I retired. Much later in the night I was awak- ened by the unmistakable sounds of a scuffle of some kind in the vicinity of my state-room. There was much rustling and then a feeble voice said " don't." " Oh," replied alow and soothing tone, " you have one of them open faces that show me your only object in life is to make yourself happy and everybody around you happy." This remark was followed by a noise not unlike the drawing of a cork, but I do not pretend to say that Capt. 212 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. Jones kissed the lady in the pink organdie ; I saw nothing. The next morning, when we landed from the boat, Jones waited upon that lady on shore. They were about to part, perhaps forever — he gazed tenderly in her face — he grasped her hand — a tear came to his eye, and he was about to speak when I passed them. I am sorry to say that, with unpardonable rudeness, I remarked, " Oh, never mind, Jones, we all know she's got one of them faces," etc., and then swinging my valise violently against his interminable shins, I departed. I think Jones got angry, and have the impression that he cursed and used profanity as I walked away, but I am not positive, and it is a matter of very little importance. Months have elapsed since then and these occurrences had faded from my memory, when happening into the office of this mansion a day or two since, I observed a tall, awkwardly built man, with a prodigious nose, engaged in a discussion with Maine, our jovial bookk2eper. Apparently something was wrong THE LEGEND OF JONES. 213 with liis bill ; he had not been charged enough, perhaps. At any rate, as I arrived the matter was adjusted, and just as I was wondering where I had seen him before, he remarked, " Sir, you have one of them open faces that shows me your only ob- ject in life is to make yourself happy and every onii about you happy." Fully concurring in this opinion, for Maine is something of an Apollo, I here broke in with — " He has that, Jones." Jones turned, gazed and fled. The Nelly Baker took him to Boston — free, I hope and believe ; and I trust I may never see him more. Jones has one of those faces, etc. The Nahant House is a great institution. I find I have nearly concluded my letter without saying anything about our ladies. They are many and beautiful, like the daisies on the sunny side of Ben Nevis. They don't like their names to appear in print you know, initials are only an aggravation, so I will simply say that the most attractive and beautiful married lady, and the prettiest young 214 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. lady, are from Boston, the most lively and grace- ful young lady is from New York, and the most charming widow is from Philadelphia. Jam satis., etc. Au reservoir, Respectfully yourn, J. P. xxn. REPORT OF A SCIENTIFIC LECTTJRE. An intelligent and fashionable audience, consist ing of the members of the Biological Society, their friends, and the representatives of the city- press, having assembled, the lecturer was intro- duced by the Hon. Prurient L. Half John, with a few brief and felicitous remarks ; after which, bowing urbanely to the ladies, and directing the summary expulsion of a rude boy who had crawled in at a window without paying. Professor Vau- rien commenced as follows : " In a popular work, which may be found upon the centre-table of every lady, and in the library of every statesman — I need hardly say that I allude to the first volume of Sir Walter Scott's Infantry Tactics — the following striking para- graph occurs : ' Tlie object of the "about face " is to face to the rear.' 216 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. " The contemplation of the singular fact thus evolved in the simple and forcible language of the great Poet, has developed some considerations up- on the constitution of Truth, which I now pro- pose to present perspicuously to your minds. In so doing, the naked truth will be exhibited, with a decent regard for public opinion, and the falsity of the assertion, made in one of the poems of Coleman and Stetson, that ' Truth lies in the bot- tom of a well,' rendered apparent by a course of philosophical reasoning. " By a beautiful application of the differential theory, the singular fact is demonstrated, that all integrals assume the forms of the atoms of which they are composed, with, however, in every case, the important addition of a constant, which, like the tail of a tadpole, may be dropped on certain occasions when it becomes troublesome. Hence, it will evidently follow, that space is round, though, in viewing it from certain positions, the presence of the cumbrous addendum may slightly modify the definity of its rotundity. To ascertain and fix EEPORT OF A SCIENTIFIC LECTUKE. 217 the conditions under which, in the definite consid^ eration of indefinite immensity, the infinitesimal incertitudes, -which, homogeneously aggregated, compose the idea of space, admit of the compati- ble retention of this constant, would form a beau- tiful and healthy recreation for the inquiring mind : but, pertaining more properly to the metaphysi- cian than to the ethical student, it cannot enter in- to the present discussion. " It is here alluded to as the opening to a field of contemplation and investigation worthy the exami- nation of those representatives of the nation, who have, at present, abundant leisure to devote to such vigorous mental exercise. Our immediate business is with the troublesome constant in its generality. We do not need to particularize ; as Pliny the Elder remarked of the needle in the hay-mow : ' It will do to reason upon in bulk.' Assuming, for present convenience, that facts are things, let us reason accordingly ; deliberately, for time is eternal ; and cautiously, for nothing can be more uncertain than facts, and the presence of the 10 218 THE SQXJIBOB PAPEES. peculiar constant adds to the uncertainty instead of annulling it, integrals though facts be. As, in our small but efficient Navy, one man cannot, un- assisted, be guilty of mutiny, so cannot his indi- vidual volition be creative of fact. In fact, fact cannot be created. It must preexist, and to that preexistence, as well as to the fact itself, must be attached and mentally comprehended the variable constant. That mental comprehension must be dull ; of the mind that promulges, and of the soul that is impressed by it, both retaining, being inte- grals, the variable invariable. From these simple considerations we draw the substance of what vain mortals, each with his or her changable constant attached, call Truth. " Truth involves the inception of its preexis- tence, followed by enunciation and comprehension, and accompanied in both mental essences, by ho- mogeneous arrangements of accordant constants of variable constitution. With this clear view of an hitherto misunder- stood conception, its positive applicability to the- KEPOET OF A SCIENTIFIC LECTTJEE. 219 ordinary affairs of the world is rendered impracti- cable without an equally lucid consideration of at- tendant constants too numerous to be readily re- concilable with one another and with the subject under discussion. And under this difBcultj^ has the world existed ever since the beginning of the precession of the equinoxes, and so it will contin- ue to roll on while time shall last, accompanied by its ever-increasing swarm of variable inva- riables ! " Ingenious apprximations are all that the pa- tient investigator dares to substitute for the remote Truth, which, like the lost Pleiad, every one thinks he can see. So standeth the world gaz- ing agape upon plethoric immensity and saying, ' There is Truth ! ' The world, here alluded to, is an aggregation of individuals with their respec- tive constants in various states of order and confu- sion. Suppose a communication from one of these head-quarters of reason and its reception by anoth- er : Can condemnation be predicated, or odium exhale from the accidental incompatibility of the 220 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. attached constants ? Hardly. Does approbation confer upon such communication the property of indubitable veracity ? " Such were a far-stretched conclusion. Examine well your variable constants, and too often you will detect defects in their co- existent accordance. " The subject admits of much deep thought and profound study, and is commended to the class be- fore named as an occupation for eternity. These few hints may show the open path to deeper in- vestigation, and those who value Truth may pur- sue it. Meanwhile, let the broad mantle of chari- ty enwrap your own and your fellow-mortals' er- rors. Seek patiently. Until the end is attained, condemn not rashly. May not your own constant be a little out of order ? " Amid a storm of applause, I was borne by the Hon. Prurient L. into the next room, where the door-keeper was waiting to render his account of the evening. A hasty inspection of his book educed the gratifying fact that the receipts of the night amounted, over and above expenses, to the REPORT OF A SCIENTIFIC LECTURE, 221 handsome sum of four dollars thirty-seven-and-a- half cents ! But what are net receipts compared with fame ! An embarrassing circumstance has, however, been brought to my notice. The committee of the Bt. who got out the mammoth posters an- nouncing the lecture, in order to secure a full house, rashly pledged in my name, one thousand dollars to the Cabmen's Orphan Society, and the treasurer is even now awaiting the receipt thereof at the door. In this emergency my self-possession does not desert me. I am now busy painting my visage with a burnt cork, and Prurient has turned my coat wrong side out, so that I may pass him under the assumed character of Gumbo Chaff. I shall discontinue lecturing. It has its annoyances. Flint's new hat, which he so liberally lent me, " for this night only," has been used as a spittoon by a reporter during the whole evening. Pru- rient advises me to leave. He says he will pro- cure me a mission to the Choctaws through his influence with the Sec. of the Int (there ! I 222 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. had nearly betrayed his confidence,) with a dis- tinguished person, the S-cr-t-ry of the I-t-r-or, and I will start to-morrow. When you get ano- ther letter you will know my whereabouts. City op Panama, New Granada, Lion's Den, Oct. 1, 1852. SQUIBOB. XXIII. GREAT RAILROAD PROJECT! THE BELVIDEKE AND BEHBIN&'S STEAITS WNION BAIIEOAD. The foregoing is the title of a road' which has become a. fixed fact in the minds of the projectors. The proposed road commences at Belvidere, in the State of Ilhnois, and runs thence in a north- westerly direction to Behring's Straits, via Roscoe. It is also proposed to diverge several branches from the main line, the first of which is to be known as " The North Pole Extension Railroad," and by which it is proposed to secure the ice-trade. The main line crosses the before-mentioned straits by a floating bridge ; thence south, by easy grades, and tunneling the Chinese Wall, to Pekin. At or near Behring's Straits it is proposed to diverge with a branch in a southerly direction to Cape Kamschatka, the said branch to be called the 224 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. " Kamschatka Valley Union Railroad." The ob- ject of this branch is to secure the seal-trade for the Calcutta market. It is also proposed to start another branch at or near the same point of divergence, running in a westerly direction to Tobolsk, in Siberia, connect- ing at that point with an " Underground Exile- escaping Railroad" to the Dead Sea. The said un- derground road to be built under the immediate supervision of eminent Ohio engineers, they hav- ing had much experience in works of that charac- ter. The services of Captain Ingraham have'been secured as conductor on this road. From Pekin there will be a branch to Jeddo, crossing the straits near the island of Niphon by an immense Pile Bridge. The object of the branch IS to convey troops and munitions of war from the United States to " civilize" and annex the Japan- ese, and also to secure the Japan-ware trade. From Pekin will diverge another branch, via Cochin China (to secure the fowl-trade). Farther India, Borneo, and Sumatra, to the Gold Mines in GREAT EAILEOAD PROJECT. 225 Australia. It is proposed to cross the arms of the sea separating these islands by immense stone cul- verts of the latest pattern. The main line then extends to Calcutta, tunnel- ing the Himalaya Mountains, connecting at this point with the " London and Calcutta Union Rail- road," and with the plank-road to Booloochistan. The main line then extends from Calcutta, via Bagdad, crossing the Red Sea at Moses's Ford, and the great Sahara Desert to Timbuctoo, con- necting with the " Niger River Valley Union Railroad" to the coast of Guinea. The main line then extends through Ethiopia and the CafFre settlements to the Cape of Good Hope, there connecting with the " Union Balloon Company" plying between Cape Town and Pata- gonia. Thence the main line extends up the west coast of America, via Valparaiso and Panama, to San Francisco, with a branch to the Lobos Islands (for the guano trade), and to Astoria, in Oregon. From San Francisco the line extends on a direct 226 THE SQUIBOB PAPEKS. course to the place of beginning, with a plank- road to New York city. It would be useless to descant at any length up- on the advantages which this road will possess over all others. A glance at the map will be sufficient to impress upon the mind of the most " general reader" an idea of the stupenduosity of the scheme, and the mines of wealth which will be necessary in order to build it. To the man of business, the extreme facility with which the most distant por- tions of the globe can be reached should especially commend this project ; and to the pleasure-seeker, the ease with which he can be transported to the Maelstrom (which undoubtedly is the greatest watering-place in the world) should make this to appear the project of the age ; the work which will cause this genelation to shine in the very ex- treme of glory on the farthest limits of time. We hope soon to announce the successful open- ing of this great work. XXIV. TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEERS. While the bill for reorganizing the Army was under consideration during the last session of Con- gress, the Military Committee of the House of Representatives addressed a circular to the Chiefs of Bureaus stationed in Washington, requesting their views in relation to the wisdom and proprie- ty of its several provisions. The various letters received by the Committee in reply to their circu- lar were subsequently printed by order of Congress, and a copy of the curious and amusing document thus formed has recently found its way to this country. Its contents are of such an interesting and extraordinary nature, considered in either a literary or military point of view, that it is much to be regretted it was not published in a more ac- 228 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. cessible form. Stereotyped, and given to the world ■with a few humorous illustrations, it would have met with an unprecedented sale, leaving Fanny Fern's Leavings, Barnum's Swindle and WickofF's Love Chase far in the distance. The chef-d'cBUvre of this unique document, the richest cream where all is richness, is undoubtedly the letter of Brevet Brigadier-General Joseph E. Totten, Chief of the Corps of Fortification Engi- neers. As a pompous display of dullness, bigotry and narrow-minded views, it is worthy of the pen of the celebrated Col. Sibthorpe. It would re- quire more time and ability than I have at my dis- posal to attempt a thorough review of the General's letter. I shall therefore confine myself to a slight fusilade against the most salient point of this re- doubtable piece of military engineering. It will be remembered that the Army Bill above alluded to, contained among other provisions, one " discontinuing the Corps of Topographical Engi- neers, and transferring its officers to the Corps of Engineers or other corps and regiments." The TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEERS. 229 Corps of Topographical Engineers, organized in 1838, consists of forty-six officers, most of whom have served in the field, not without some little dis- tinction, and whose scientific skill, not acquired without hard study and experience, has been con- stantly called in requisition in the construction of military roads, improvement of rivers and harbors, building light houses, establishing boundaries and particularly in increasing the geographical knowl- edge of the country by explorations of new and comparatively unknown territories. The faithful discharge of these duties requires the utmost fami- liarity with the higher and more abstruse branches of science, and the young officer engaged in them has the satisfaction of knowing that he is doing something useful for his country, and that his ex- ertions are appreciated by his countrymen. The Corps of Engineers, (commanded by Brevet-Bri- gadier General Totten,) have no other specific duty in time of peace than to erect permanent for tifications. These works, built of brick, cut stones, dirt and cement, were invented as a system of na- 230 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. tional defence by an old person named Vauban, some years since, and as he confessed himself (nev- er dreaming of Sebastopol) that the best of them could be captured in forty days, it may be a ques- tion, as the boy said when he learned the alphabet, " whether it's worth while to go through so much work to do so little." But, leaving the question aside, it is very evident that the officers of the Coi'ps of Engineers, being constantly employed in this manner, according to a system of unvarying rules, have little opportunity to display any ability beyond that of other stone masons, and the high- est stretch of their ambition in time of peace, must probably be to become the happy inventors of some new conglomerate, breccia, putty or other unpleasant stuff spoken of in the works of old Dennis Mahan. I do not allude to the duties of either Corps during a state of war, for the reason that both then, become to some extent, soldiers, lose their distinguishing characteristics and perform * nearly identical services. It could scarcely be ex- pected that the Officers of the Topographical Engi- TOPOGKAPHICAL ENGINEERS. 231 neers would be contented at undergoing the opera- tion so pleasantly alluded to as " being discon- tinued," or that they would feel any ecstatic delight at being merged in the Corps of Fortification Engi- neers, to become manufacturers of -permanent forti- ficacations, dirt pies on a large scale, which, (Sebas- topol excepted,) anybody can knock down again in forty days. Such a life holds out little prospect of distinction, and I am persuaded that, no matter how much talent or ability a young man may pos- sess, if, when he has completed his education, you give him a fixed salary for life, and make him a stone mason, a stone mason he will remain, and never be heard of in any other capacity. But Brevet Brigadier General Totten does not view the matter at all in this light. Believing that his corps is the embodiment of every thing that is use- ful and improving ; that the manufacture of putty is the most scientific employment under the sun ; or in the words of another old lady, " there is but one what-d'ye-call-it, and he is its thingumbob," — he utterly objects to the introduction of the unfor- 2o2 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. tunate topographers, on the ground that their ca- pacity is not sufficient to master the tremendous duties of the Corps of Engineers, and that it would be doing his officers great injustice to associate with them men -of such inferior abihty. And how do you imagine he proceeds to prove the topograph- ical inferiority ? By quoting the graduating stand- ing of these officers at the Military Academy at West Point. Says the General — " Those cadets only who graduate at, or near the head of a class at West Point, are promoted as Lieutenants in the Corps of Engineers ; the succeeding cadets are promoted in the Topographical Engineers and Ordnance." And then to render clear the injustice of merging the two corps, he produces statistics to show that the average graduating standing of the Officers of Engineers is represented by the number 2j, while that of the inferior Topographers actually amounts to llj. (One of the officers having un- happily stood 55th, was promoted in the Infantry, and transferred.) This is indeed a fearful distinc- TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEEES. 233 tion. Since the publication of this alarming dis- covery, a friend of mine who has the misfortune to be a Topographcial Engineer, (but who con- stantly wears a citizen's dress, for fear some one will find it out,) tells me he never walks the street without fancying a huge 11-| chalked between his ■shoulders, attracting the public attention and oblo- quy. If he meets an Officer of Engineers, he reverently makes way, respectfully murmuring 2J ; and he has entirely lost the power of looking out for No. 1, so absorbed is he in the thought of No. 11^. It may be considered a very fair meth- od of classification to take an ofiicer's gradu- ating standing at the Military Academy as a guage of his mental calibre for the remainder of his ex- istence, possibly the rule might work to admiration in a corps where no incentives were held out for study or improvement : but to show that in the army at large it has, like " Taylor's Theorem," its failing cases, allow me to adduce one or two in- stances. The present Secretary of War, Hon. Jefferson 234 THE SQTJIBOB PAPEKS. Davis, who, I presume, General Totten would not consider quite destitute of ability, graduated twenty- third in his class, and the present IVIinister to China, Hon. Robert M. McLane, late M. C. from Mary- land, formerly of the Topographical Engineers, and by no means an idiot, graduated thirty-seventh in the class of 1837. But the Corps of Topo- graphical Engineers was only formed in 1838, while the Engineers date from the time when Noah, sick of the sea, landed and threw up a field-work on Mount Ararat. I remember well a time-hon- ored legend at West Point, which told how one of the earlier classes at that institution was com- posed of but two members. At their final exami- nation, one was sent to the Board to demonstrate the 47th problem of Euclid; but after a little hes- itation he confessed his inability to draw the figure, though he felt confident he could make the dem- onstration. The second here rose, and diffidently remarked, that though he could not demonstrate the proposition, he was able to draw the figure. This division of labor was accordingly made, the TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEERS. 235 figure drawn in a style of unrivaled elegance by the one, who was placed head in drawing, and for- cibly demonstrated by the other, who was placed head in mathematics. Both gentlemen were deservedly promoted in the Corps of Engineers. If this story be true, and I certainly do not vouch for it, the singularly small number representing the graduating standing of the Corps of Engineers may be accounted for. But if West Point standing is referred to as a means of judging of the abilitj^ of an experienced oiEcer, why not go farther back in his antecedents ? Why not, on Brevet Brigadier General Totten, prove that the officers of the Corps of Engineers at their first introduction to this world of sin and sorrow, weighed from 12 to 16 pounds each, while the Topographical babies were but puling weakly things, averaging at the best but seven and a quar- ter ? Why not refer to the Sunday Schools, where the little Engineer Infants at the early age of five, could repeat with fluency the Apostles' Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and the Ten Commandments, while 236 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. the poor little Topogs (weighing then scarcely eleven and a quarter) could scarcely get through their A B -^ A B'S, and ask for sugar ? It strikes me illustratious chief of a Super-topographical Corps, that these researches would be equally ap- posite and convincing. The letter of the Brevet Brigadier General, contains many other funny statements, besides the statistics : the document contains many funny let- ters besides the Brevet Brigadier's, but I have no time to allude farther to them at present. I would merely suggest to a discerning public, the proprie- ty of having the whole published by subscription, elegantly bound in gilt and morocco, after the manner of the Knickerbocker Gallery. Then with the proceeds, by the side of that limpid lake, from whence the calm waters of Salt River placidly meander to the sea, I would have erected a beau- tiful cottage, in form, a mural castle, with the number 2|- in brazen block letters above the por- tal. Here in quiet contemplation over what he has done, and in the tranquil enjoyment of his self TOPOGRAPHICAL ENGINEEES. 237 esteem, Brevet Brigadier General Totten might pass the remainder of his days in happiness and peace. But he should not be allowed to write any- more letters ! Kespectftilly, your obedient serv't, CONRAD POMPON, Capt. Light Brigade, 11| Division, California Militia. XXV. ON CLIPPER SHIPS. I send this by special current express, calculat- ing that it will drift along a few days ahead of us ; and you can have it all ready to put in, while we are within the usual " two hours" sail of the port for twenty-four days. Don't forget also to men- tion the fog, loss of sails, heavy weather, etc., and particularly " the light and baffling head-winds for a couple of months." But you can regulate that by the length of our voyage. No matter if you do make a little error of ten or fifteen days in our favor, in reporting us. If not noticed, we won't correct it ; but if it is, then pitch into the compos- itors, and call it a typographical error. She is one hundred and fifty tons register, and carries two thousand, as measured in Boston, with ON CLIPPER SHIPS. ^ 239 the measurer's thumb inside the callipers, which (the thumb) being much swollen and tied up in a rag, may have made a few feet difference in the measurements ; but that don't amount to much. Her extreme length on deck is five hundred and ninety-seven and a half feet ; eight feet breadth of beam ; two hundred feet deep ; twenty-four feet between decks. Her bow is a great rake, and the head is composed of a female carved figure, with one thumb resting on the extreme tip of her nose, fingers extended in the act of gyrating ; the first finger of the left hand in the act of drawing down the lower lid of the eye ; which the captain ex- plains to us as a simile from the Heathen Mythol- ogy, denoting cnriosity on the part of the figure, to ascertain if any body discovers any thing ver- dant. The " Highfalutin" is finished with the patent " Snogrosticars" indicating the millenium when it comes. She is rigged after the recent invention of Captain Blowhard, which consists of three topsail-yards on the bowsprit, the halyards leading 240 THE SQUIBOB PAPEES. down through a groove in the keel, up through the stern windows, and belay to the captain's to- hacco-Lox. She has also the " skyfungarorum,^^ a sail something like a kite, which is set in light weather about seventy-five feet above the main- truck, and made fast by a running double hitch under the binnacle and aft through the galley, and belayed to the cook's tea-pot. It is sometimes (when the captain carries his family) made fast to the baby-jumper. Her windlass is rose-wood, in- laid with clam shells. She has also a French roll capstan with musical bars. The caboose is elab- orately carved with gilt edges, a Pike county gal- ley-sliding telescopic stove-pipe, of gutta-percha, and a machine for making molasses candy for the sailors. XXVI. A LETTER OF CREDIT Ang. 24, 1856. My Only Bexson : — Your suggestion about, tlie reTolting pistols, is highly approved by me, and I wish to improve a little on it, by purchasing also, a clarionet (E. flat) for Marlin, and a pic- colo, or octavo flute for yourself. With these dul- cet instruments, you and he can sit on the bridge, during the mid-watches of the autumnal nights, and breath forth your saddened spirits in a flood of melody, which shall charm the marine inhabi- tants of Walewski creek, and make the angry and perturbed nature of the murderer Bell, as soft as mercurial ointment. Please send the money for the pistols and musical instruments, and they shall be forwarded without delay. 11 242 THE SOmBOB PAPERS. For the Colt's Revolting pistols, for Marlin, $60 "~ " " " Benson, 30 1 E. flat Clarionet, . . .10 1 Piccolo, .... 10 " Extra reeds, .... 1 " Music, a few concerted pieces in B. Minor, arranged for clarionet and piccolo, 10 Total $121 I have not the money hy me^ or 1 would ad- vance it as you request. » You could not have supposed the United States Government would furnish arms for the use of overseers on a military road. Do they furnish them for the officers of their armies ? No, hy my faith, those warriors pay for their own swords ; they purchase their own habergeons and surcoats, their targets and bucklers, and if they are fain to indulge in the luxury of a Colt's revolter to strap upon their posteriors, (there to hang in inglorious idleness, for aye,) they have to borrow the money from their friends for that purpose. Fain would I furnish you and the gallant Mar- lin each with a suit of Milan armour of tempered steel, inlaid with arabesque work of fine gold; Helmets of the same, with a crest of marabout A LETTEK OF CEEDIT. 243 feathers containing four at fl.25 each, swords, shields (with a device representing Bell fishinc off Walewski Bridge) habergeons, battle-axes, daggers of mercy ; and surcoats and lutes with broad blue ribbon at 3s. per yard for your ladies' bower, but I haye'nt got the money to spare, and well I am not, if ye seek to come forth in martial guise, your cof- fers are far better able to supply your armament than is my poor pantaloons pocket. I counsel you therefore, to purchase what you may wish, or make unto yourselves bows and arrows withal to defend yourselves after the manner of our ancient forbears. As to Bell, have I not written unto the sheriffs of Stillacoom and Olympia, praying that he may be suddenly and quickly removed from our midst. The rope will be sent, the gimbolet is enclosed, (on the outside.) Make more than 2600 feet per week; and believe me to remain. With deep admiration, Your affectionate friend, G. H. D. XXV PANNIERS. Portland, Sept., 20, 1856. Sat Old Fellow : — You've got a way lately of laying back there at Astoria, and imagining all sorts of things which you think would save you the slightest trouble or inconvenience, and send- ing off orders for them with all the imperiousness of Aldiborontsphosco phornis, when ordering Rig- dum~Funnidos to chop off the head of Chrbnon- hotonthologos. What in thunder do you mean ? I send the things this time, but request you to get rid of the habit ; it grows on you, like an appetite for liquor. All but the pannier's, ha, ha ! In the venerated name of Sancho Panza, where did you read about pannier's ? The word is suggestive of Dapple Cork trees, Andalusian maids, bandits and PANNIEKS. 245 sech. Why, ignorant dweller at the corners of Clay and Montgomery, (up stairs) do you know that for eight years I have done little or nothing but travel through California and 'Oregon with pack trains, during which time I have seen over 4000 mules packed, with over 800,000 pounds of merchandise, while upwards of 4,000,000 oaths and profane execrations were vented at them, and yet never in my life saw a — ha ! ha ! a pannier. And do you suppose that I, an old and experien- ced packer, to whom a hair sinch is as familiar as a tooth-brush, will permit you, having but three mules to pack, to use — a — ha ! ha ! (excuse me) a, — ho ! ho ! (really I can't help it) a pan- niers ! a primeval implement probably used by Ba- laam to save himself a little trouble in packing his jackass. No, sir. Take a lash rope, double it equally, lay it over the saddle, put an equal weight on each side, and turn up the ends, then take your sinch, and draw it tight over the pack in various directions and fasten the ends to the horns of tbe saddle. Panniers, indeed, — would'nt you like a 246 THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. sedan chair? Panniers, young man, are only raised in Chili and Peru and other Catholic coun- tries, by the peons and chulos, etc., to carry fruit to market. I have seen them mj'-self in Valpa- riaso, teeming with the luscious grape, the fragrant strawberry, and the rich and juicy buckwheat cake. But you can't have any Panniers. No, sir. You are, however, permitted to look at them — te he! (iSeei?flg-e 200.) Your oats were sent by the last boat. The Multnomat resumes her trips to-morrow. We are all disgusted by the non-arrival of the mail steam- er Columbia, expected here last night — oh I yes I Have I " thought to make an extract from the let- ter of the Secretary of War ? " No. I haven't thought to make any such extract. You had plen- ty of opportunity to make an extract if you want- ed to, when you were here ; if you want any ex- tract now, you can get Lubin to make it. It is not at all in my line I Have I a copy of the act mak- ing the appropriation and of the advertisement inviting proposals ? Yes, I have a copy of the A LETTER OF CREDIT. 247 act, and of the adyertisement, and I mean to keep 'em. « Have you got them ? If you haven't dorCt you wish you may get 'em ? Good-bye, he — ha ! Panniers ! Yours, truly, Squibob. ^ NEW BOOKS And New Editions Recently Issued by CARIiETON, PUBLISHER, WEW YORK. 418 BSOADWAY, COBNMB OF LISPENABD STREET. . u'.B. — ^Thu Pttblishek, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any of the following Boots, bv mail, postasb feee, to any part of the United States. This convenient and very'saffe mode may be adopted when the neighboring Book- tellers are not supplied with the desired work. 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