1557 
 .L87 
 1920 
 
irAVDCVILLE 
 
 BY 
 
 LA VELLMA(DAVrDJ.LUSTIG) 
 
 APMD 
 
 eOBEQTW.DOrO&E 
 
Ventriloquial 
 Figures 
 
 In response to many requests, we are offering the 
 best and lowest-priced figures of this kind, equally suitable 
 for amateur and professional performers. 
 
 The heads and bodies are made of wood, not heavy 
 but very strong, with clean-working movements and nothing 
 to get out of order. All our figures are neatly dressed, and 
 at the price, not to be equalled. 
 
 All figures are sent by express, well packed, upon 
 
 receipt of remittance by Postal or Express Money Orders. 
 Money sent loosely is at the sender's risk. 
 
 Ventriloquial figures, boy, any style, mouth action on'y 
 
 luUy dressed . - - . $12.00 
 
 Ventriloquial figures, girl figure, dressed - - - 1 4.00 
 
 Extra actions, winking, spitting, smoking, etc., each - 2.50 
 
 Fright wigs (hair stands up when frightened) - - 2.50 
 
 FOR PROMPT ATTENTION ADDRESS 
 
 MARTIMA & COMPANY, Inc., Figure Dcpt. 
 
 493 Sixth Avenue, New York City 
 
Vaodevi 
 Ve!0)tril©<qoifinr} 
 
 A PRACTICAL TREATISE 
 
 ON THE ART OF 
 
 VENTRILOQUISM 
 
 By 
 
 DAVID J. LUSTIG 
 
 (La Vellma) 
 
 AND 
 
 ROBERT W. DOIDGE 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 R. W. DOIDGE, 16 ELM STREET 
 SOMERVILLE, MASS. 
 
OWn 
 
 • 
 
 Qr^ 
 
 
 155"? 
 
 
 uZl , 
 
 
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 '''■''%5- 
 
 COPYRIGHT 1920 
 
 ROBERT W. DOIDGB 
 
 SOMBRVILLE. MASS. 
 
COnNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 
 1924 087 818 864 
 
 PREFACE 
 
 This book was written with an objei't in view. 
 
 Namely to set right the many folks who have voiced a desire to become ventrilo- 
 quists but after reading books on the subject have been at a loss just how to go about 
 studying this fascinating art. 
 
 The lessons arranged in this work are framed so that anyone possessing good 
 vocal chords and who are willing to devote the necessary time and patience to study- 
 ing the art can become ventriloquial entertainers. 
 
 The authors know that everything found in this work is practical and trust those 
 interested will profit by the contents of the book. 
 
 DAVID J. LUSTIG (La Vellma) 
 
 ROBERT W. DOIDGE. 
 1920 
 
FORE\A^ORD 
 
 The art of producing tones and words without any perceptible motion of the 
 mouth, so that the audience is induced to refer the sound to some other place is 
 called Ventriloquism. 
 
 Many people believe the sounds are produced from the stomach. This belief is 
 merely mistaken supposition. We all know that the organs of speech are located in 
 the throat and not in the stomach. The name of this exceedingly interesting and 
 mysterious art is founded upon the before mentioned supposition 
 
 The ventriloquial entertainer can give a show most anywhere and under any sort 
 of conditions with his "vent" figure; in a theatre, hall or drawing room and almost 
 anyone who possesses good vocal powers and studies these lessons (written by two 
 vaudeville performers who at times presented a ventriloquial specialty in vaudeville) 
 wilKwithin a reasonable time with the proper amount of practice and study be able 
 to give a performance to entertain, mystify and also to earn money by putting on a 
 ventriloquial act. 
 
 To become a violinist, one must practice and practice, to become a ventriloquist 
 one must also practice and by studying and following these instructions carefully, 
 lesson by lesson, the student will surprise himself with results attained. 
 
 Rome, they tell us, was not built in a day; neither are good ventriloquists made 
 over night. 
 
The original of this book is in 
 the Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924087818864 
 
Vaudeville Ventriloquism 
 
 LESSON ONE 
 
 When unexpected, the deceptiveness of sound is very great. The performer, 
 when wishing to make the sound appear from above, below or at any place, within 
 reason, must make the spectator expect the voice to issue from a given spot. The 
 sound is not expected to come from the given spot but it unexpectedly seems to issue 
 from that place as the performer draws attention to the place whence the voice seems 
 to emanate from, viz., when working with a figure Ventriloquist says in natural voice, 
 "Hello down there!" Then he has figure look down; or, if working without figure, 
 performer looks down toward spot or up depending on where voice is to come from. 
 These things depend a lot on the ability of the performer as an actor. This same piece 
 of sound-misdirection must be applied to all sorts of voice throwing illusions. 
 
 When working with a figure or dummy; look at the figure while speaking in the 
 "natural voice" and also in the "ventriloquial voice." The "natural voice" is the per- 
 former's natural voice (which should be pitched lower than the ventriloquial voice) 
 which is the voice used for the figure's chatter. 
 
 Have confidence in your own ability. Make yourself believe the voice is to issue 
 from a certain place and the audience will also believe it. 
 
 Without moving the lips — with lips almost closed the Ventriloquist makes his 
 audience believe that the sounds issue from a given place. 
 
 A figure will help the student and also make his study of the art more interesting. 
 Ventriloquial figures are made, so the performer places his finger in the body of the 
 figure, by means of pressing a lever or strings, operating the different movements of 
 the figure. Movements of arms, legs, eyes closing, winking, mouth opening and clos- 
 ing, spitting, crying, and smoking can be introduced if the student wishes a figure 
 made to order. 
 
 The two classes into which Ventriloquism is divided are "near" (or mimicry) and 
 "distant" (voice throwing). 
 
 "Near" ventriloquism is the part of the ventriloquist's act in which he uses a 
 figure and "distant" when the performer seemingly throws his voice to different 
 places. 
 
 EKERCISE A — Inflate the lungs to their fullest capacity. Hold the breath while 
 you count from one to twenty-five. Exhale slowly and steadily. Inhale deeply 
 to fullest capacity and hold. Count to thirty-five (mentally counting) and so on 
 until you are able to hold your breath and count up to two hundred. Practise 
 this about fifteen to twenty minutes two or three times a day and watch results. 
 
 7 
 
LESSON TWO 
 
 The exercise given at the end of Lesson One may seem to the beginner a useless 
 waste of time but when one has practised and can hold the breath comfortably until 
 they mentally count two hundred and then exhale, one will have but little difficulty 
 in mastering the remaining lessons. For the art of ventriloquism consists mainly 
 in taking a deep inhalation of breath and allowing it to escape very slowly; the sounds 
 of the voice being modified and muffled, producing different sounds by means of the 
 muscles of the upper part of the throat and palate, and when speaking to refrain 
 from moving the lips. 
 
 After the student has learned to control (ventriloqualy speaking) his breathing, 
 let him proceed as follows : — 
 
 Stand in front of a large mirror and recite the alphabet from A to 
 Z with his features rigid and his lips and teeth slightly apaft. Practise 
 each letter a number of times before going on to the next. The let- 
 ters which cannot be pronounced distinctly should be gone over time 
 and again until perfected. The letters that will require the most 
 practise will be as follows; "B," "M," "P," and "V." Thes'e letters 
 should be gone over at least twenty-five times every time the student 
 practises. 
 The letters above may be difficult to pronounce even after a week's practise, but 
 do not become discouraged, always bearing in mind that Rome wasn't built in a 
 day, and that many stage Ventriloquial entertainers cannot pronounce these letters 
 themselves. v 
 
 EXERCISE B-^ Stand before mirror, with mouth and teeth about a sixteenth of an 
 inch apart and repeat the following letters : W, B, G, U, V, T, A, D, R, F, S, H, J, 
 P, Q, K, C, I, L, N, M, E, O, Z, X, Y. Going over each one ten times and those 
 found difficult twenty times. 
 
 LESSON THREE 
 
 This lesson should not be attempted until the last lesson and exercise has been 
 perfected. If the student is able to pronounce all the letters of the alphabet without 
 moving the lips, he is ready to continue. 
 
 Stand before a mirror and say in the NATURAL VOICE (your own natural tones) 
 "Hello, are you there?" Now, without moving the lips, roll the tongue back so that 
 the tip just touches the roof of the mouth (the student has no doubt seen at some 
 time a Punch and Judy show; try to remember how Mr. Punch talks in a squeaky 
 voice; now try to lower the voice a bit) and say, "Hello, I'm here I" The sound should 
 be pitched higher than the natural voice and not quite as high as the Punch voice. 
 
 Practise this about ten times and then try the following exercise. 
 EXERCISE C — Natural Voice: "Are you well?" 
 
 Figure : "I am." 
 
 Natural Voice: "Are you here?" 
 
 Figure : "No, I'm there !" i^^ 
 
 Natural Voice: "How are you?" 'jj 
 
 Figure : "Pretty well, old top !" 
 
 Natural Voice : "Goodbye." 
 
 Figure : "So long, Dave." 
 Many other short sentences of this sort will suggest themselves to the student 
 while practicing. Practise the following also : (Ah!) (Da!) (Ma!) (Pa!) (Hello!) 
 (Yes!) (Whatl) (Go!) (Blow!) etc., etc. 
 
LESSON FOUR 
 
 Draw the muscles of the throat together as is done when one gargles, inhale a 
 deep breath, emit a sort of far away sound in throat, sounding as if it came from the 
 stomach. 
 
 Tongue must be slightly curled up toward the roof of the mouth. Taking another 
 deep breath, fix tongue in proper position and sound a prolonged "Ah," until breath 
 is exhausted. 
 
 Don't under any consideration strain the throat while doing this, or if the throat 
 aches or head seems about to burst, stop and rest a few moments, then try again. 
 If strain results and continues lots of harm may be done to the vocal cords. Con- 
 tinue trying to locate in throat the point at which you can make the distant "Ah." 
 Try to remember how the telephone receiver sounds at times when off the hook and 
 try to imitate the sound. Imagine how a sound sounded to you when far off and try 
 to imitate the sound. 
 
 After you can emit the prolonged "Ah" to satisfactory results, try short words, 
 such as "Hello," "Well," etc. Gradually increase words also increasing gradually 
 sound volume and then try short sentences. 
 
 When voice is supposed to come from a good distance, roll the tongue closer to 
 roof of mouth. The nearer the sound, the more the tongue must be unrolled. 
 Practice without tiring the throat muscles. 
 EXERCISE D — Ventriloquist: "Hello, are you there?" 
 
 Voice: "Sure I'm here." 
 
 Ventriloquist: "I say are you there?" 
 
 Voice: "Sure I am, why?" 
 
 Ventriloquist: "Come on up." 
 
 Voice : "I can't come up." 
 
 Ventriloquist: "Why can't you come up here?" 
 
 Voice : "The floor won't open." Etc., etc. 
 
 LESSON FIVE 
 
 When talking to a "dummy," always show the audience that there is a marked 
 difference between your own voice and the figure. Don't tell them this but show 
 them. When practising, try to make both your voice, and the figure's voice, two 
 distinct, yet entirely different voices. Practise until you, yourself, will think that 
 you are talking to and being answered by another person. 
 
 When performing with a figure, use the figure, or rather manipulate the figure, as 
 if it were human. This, too, requires lots of practice. Talk to the figure as you 
 would a small boy — forget it is wood or papier mache. 
 
 It is half the show to have a good figure; to know how to manipulate it, and to 
 be able to ventriloquize correctly, and the other half 'is to have a suitable dialogue. 
 
 The compilers of these lessons have written a numher of ventriloquial dialogues 
 and complete acts, and will write to order suitable material for ventriloquial enter- 
 tainers. 
 
 For full particulars, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to either David J. 
 Lustig (La Vellma), 173 Catherine Street, Bridgeport, Connecticut, or to Robert W. 
 Doidge, 16 Elm Street, Somerville, Massachusetts. 
 
 Never try to do impossible things with ventriloquism, such as attempting to 
 
throw the voice wherever fancy presents itself. People will only wonder what that 
 peculiar noise in the throat is, or what you are trying to do. 
 
 Practice before the mirror, with the figure on your knee, at least half an hour 
 a day; more if possible. Don't become discouraged if you don't at first succeed, but 
 try until you master each successive step. 
 
 LESSON SIX 
 
 Stand in a room near the door and say in your own voice, "Hello Bill." Then im- 
 mediately in the ventriloquial voice say, "Hello Bill," making it appear as if it were an 
 echo. Then try "Hello" alone. Prolonging it. 
 
 Practice trying to throw the voice, while in a room, towards the ceiling, under the 
 floor beside you, across the room, etc.; the student after procuring a figure will find 
 his practice more interesting. 
 
 Ladies as well as gentlemen are on the professional stage as Ventriloquial enter- 
 tainers. 
 
 When a lady studies ventriloquism she must remember to aim to use a deep voice 
 for her boy figure; her own voice will be quite a contrast to the figure's. ' . 
 
 Study a boy's voice and try to imitate that and not some other ventriloquist's 
 figure that you may have seen on the stage. 
 
 Sometimes the best of ventriloquists move their lips while giving a show. Don't 
 try to keep the mouth entirely closed, because muffled, sounds and words which cannot 
 be half understood is liable to be the result. 
 
 Go over each lesson a number of times, studying them and practice thoroughly 
 as you go along. You will gain nothing by just reading them over a few times. 
 
 When practicing on the piano, the student practices each exercise over and over 
 until he or she can play them right. Then after the book is completed, a review is 
 given by the instructor. The same applies to Ventriloquism; practice each and every 
 lesson and exercise; there are very few, but they are all important, and after complet- 
 ing this course, go over each and every lesson and exercise several times in review. 
 
 To become an expert in this mystifying art, the student must practice, as only- 
 practice can make you a ventriloquist. 
 
 LESSON SEVEN 
 
 After you have mastered the lessons so that you are confident that you can giv# 
 a performance purchase a dialogue, one that is amusing. Study it. After you have 
 memorize'd the material, take your figure, sit before ' pur much used and needed 
 friend, the mirror, and do your ac«. Watch yourself in the mirror at times and the 
 figure most of the time. Try to "put over" the material as if you were doing what 
 is known to professionals as a "team act," or "patter act." Watch your figure's' 
 "ovements and be sure they are natural, also be sure to watch yQUf: mouth and gee 
 ': at your lips, jaws and features are immovable. 
 
 A ventriloquial act most always opens with a topical, up'4«-the-l;io.ur. sopg, t^^ej^ 
 !■' e talk, and close with a song. 
 
 Some acts open with talk, use a spn,g_ in the middle of the act and more talk, with, 
 .1 song for a finale, while walking anip.n'gst the audience. Others use whistling as^ a^ 
 
 10 
 
finish. The performer pushes a silk handkerchief into his mouth, pulls the dummy's 
 head from within the body, proving that the figure is not fitted up with a whistling 
 apparatus, he writer has in mind a friend, a professional, who is a wonder at this 
 whistling illusion. 
 
 Some performers use a number of different ventriloquial figures representing an 
 Irish boy, old lady, old man, little girl, parrot, dog, chinaman, colored boy and many 
 other varieties. 
 
 LESSON EIGHT 
 
 t 
 
 Several of the effects that are used on the stage by venfrilofuiists will be found 
 below. ^ 
 
 The ventriloquist takes, the receiver off a "prop" telephone and asks for central. 
 A voice is heard, which seems to come from the receiver, as if somebody was talking 
 at the other end of the wire. 
 
 This effect is obtained by using the "Distant" voice. By the dummy's attitude the 
 audience are brought to believe that the figure is listening to a party talking at the 
 Other end. 
 
 Another effect is, the ventriloquist smoking as the figure is singing or talking; 
 the performer holds between his lips a lighted cigar or cigarette, puffing and enjoying 
 a smoke. 
 
 The cigar or cigarette is held between the lips and teeth in the centre of the 
 mouth. This not only is a good effect but a,lso helps the performer to talk without 
 moving the lips. The sounds are emitted on the side of the mouth nearest the figure. 
 
 During a song, with a lighted cigar or cigarette between the lips, smoke is seen 
 to issue forth from the mouth of the performer. 
 
 At the start performer draws a mouthful of smoke, which while singing he allows 
 to escape slowly. Between each line or -two, the song being of slow tempo, he takes 
 another puff of smoke, allowing it to issue forth. To the audience it seems as if the 
 performer is continually smoking and exhaling. 
 
 LESSON NINE 
 
 When a sleight of hand performer gives a performance, he must have either full 
 stage if he uses illusions, etc.; or can work "in one" before a drop with a table or two. 
 
 The ventriloquist walks out before either a curtain or in full stage and works his 
 act. If he uses a telephone, decanter of wine (?) or any other paraphernalia it is set 
 out before the "drop" curtain before the lights are turned on. 
 
 But when he only uses the figure, he walks on, has a chair in centre, and amid the 
 chord from the orchestra and a storm of applause (sometimes) goes right into his 
 act which is best to occupy between ten and twelve minutes and retires (let us hope) 
 amid more applause. 
 
 And let it be understood that a good ventriloquist deserves applause and plenty 
 of it. 
 
 There are very fevfr people today, v/ho attend the theatre that do not enjoy a good 
 ventriloquialact on the bill. 
 
 The art is a very mystifying one. Most people know that ventriloquism is only a 
 certain form of illusion. Some persons believe it is a trick, 'but such is not at all the 
 case. 
 
 11, 
 
Is it a trick to play on the violin, piano or any other musical instruments? No. 
 It is the study and practice of music that makes one expert and so it is with the study 
 of the ancient yet ever interesting art of ventriloquism that makes one a successful 
 performer. 
 
 LESSON TEN 
 
 In this, the last lesson or chapter the student will find the requirements necessary 
 to become a successful ventriloquial entertainer. 
 
 1. Constant practice and study. 
 
 2. Be a good actor. 
 
 3. Be able to manipulate figure. 
 
 4. Control the facial muscles. 
 
 5. Also control of throat muscles. 
 
 6. Have confidence in your work. 
 
 " ' 7. Have confidence in yourself. ^,,- 
 
 ', ' / ■ 8. Have suitable dialogue. 
 
 9. Purchase a good figure. 
 10. Constant study and practice. 
 
 The student should not become easily discouraged while studying. A good ven- 
 triloquist is made and not born. 
 
 All ventriloquists had to learn at some time or other. They didn't find the road 
 to success easy or one of smooth going, but as practice makes perfect in many things, 
 this rule also applies to ventriloquism. 
 
 So, dear student, keep up hope, follow these instructions and again let me say. 
 Practice, practice, and then some more practice and watch results and you willbe able 
 to give a ventriloquial performance on the vaudeville stage as an expert exponent of 
 the art of Ventriloquism. 
 
 VENTRILOQUIAL AFTERTHOUGHTS 
 
 In closing these lessons, which will benefit anyone who will devote the time and 
 practice to them, are arranged by practical performers and not by persons who have 
 read a lot of useless bunk on ventriloquism nor ones who think themselves self-ap- 
 pointed criterions and who write books for the glory, fame or few paltry dollars that 
 may be in them. Many is the time the co-authors have been asked why they did not 
 write a number of books on the art of magic and ventriloquism, to which they have 
 replied that at some time when time permits they would and the first of the series 
 was VAUDEVILLE MAGIC, which went over big, the demand calling even now for a 
 second edition, which will soon, we trust, be forthcoming. Then the third book v/ill 
 be, VAUDEVILLE MIND READING AND KINDRED PHENOMENA, and after that- 
 well, who can tell. 
 
 But back to our original subject — while the rest of the manuscript is in the hands 
 of the printers let u» see if there isn't something more we can add to aid the student 
 and perhaps further enlighten the professional performer. 
 
 Ventriloquists will tell you that many is the time when they are besieged by 
 friends and others to give an example of what they call YCTtTllPQuism. The friends 
 
 12 
 
will ask, "Won't you throw your voice into that room?" A, ventriloquist cannot please 
 everybody and what is more the student should forget the books he has read about 
 this and that wonderful ventriloquist who threw his voice into the next house or 
 across the street, fooling his friends. This is all bunk, pure and simple, as the men 
 who wrote those old time books in which, such stories appear did so because they 
 knew a certain percentage would read that line of press junk and believe it and what 
 the other folks thought never worried them a bit. You can deceive by aid of illusion 
 but you cannot allow someone to stand by your side and make them believe the, sound 
 travels, because all they'll hear is a throaty sound which they will wonde,r what it is 
 all about. 
 
 When called upon to do a turn you have your audience some feet away and then 
 give them the best that is in you. Ventriloquists should study elocution. You must 
 be able to use your voice correctly if you are to become an entertainer. The actor 
 studies his own voice. He knows just how to place it and how to modify it as his 
 lines demand. This is something that takes many years to really accomplish, but it is 
 by practice — persistent practice — that the actor becomes proficient in his art and the 
 ventriloquist in his. 
 
 Then again folks say, "He was born a ventriloquist," or "He is a born actor." All 
 well and good, as far as they go, but if an actor was born an actor and a ventriloquist 
 born a ventriloquist why didn't the actor act and the ventriloquist ventriloquize while 
 lying in their cradles? 
 
 Ventriloquism is something that like acting must be learned. One may be born 
 with some sort of talent, but that talent must be brought out and developed. And 
 only practice and lots of it can do that. 
 
 Imitating various instruments, locomotive whistles, etc., may be all right in its 
 •vVay, but we will not take up the subject of Polyphonism, as a number of writers have 
 treated this form of entertaining at great lengths, but we will say that if you wish to 
 become proficient in imitations you should at all times imitate the real thing. For 
 instance, were you desirous to imitate the whistle of a steamboat, you must go where 
 you can hear the real thing and not the imitation steamboat whistle one hears in the 
 orchestra blov/n by the trap drummer in some motion picture theatre. Study from life 
 — that's the best advice. 
 
 Take good care of your teeth, the absence of one or more teeth will not be a most 
 delightful sight to your audience. See a dentist and have any teeth trouble attended 
 to. 
 
 Mornings are the best time to practice but don't tire yourself. You need lots of 
 real practice, but to overdo a thing is almost as bad as not doing it at all— and less 
 injurious. 
 
 Most ventriloquists are good singers. But if you are not a vocalist don't sit up 
 at night and worry over it— for as far as being a vocalist goes La Vellma never did 
 nor never will set the world afire when it comes to singing, as he had to depend on 
 putting the number across aided by the comedy business with the figure than he did 
 upon his vocalizing abilities. 
 
 Much attention must be given by the student in the natural and ventriloquial 
 voice. Always keep the figure's voice pitched a bit higher and louder than the natural 
 and ventriloquial voice, which should be lower and slower. Then again watch when 
 practising that there is no pause between when you speak to the figure in your own 
 voice and when the figure answers you. Pretend that the wooden dummy you are 
 operating is a human being and you are holding a conversation with him. Make him 
 seem like real to you and the audience by your acting will be convinced of it too. 
 
 13 
 
Remember the nearer the sound to be given, the more air you may allow to escape 
 while speaking ventriloquially, and the more toward the back of the mouth must the 
 tongue be placed. When the voice is to seem as if coming from a distance, the 
 farther the distance the more breath must be kept back, and the tongue must be kept 
 forward in the mouth and the sound thrown back in the throat. 
 
 Producing mysterious voices isn't ■ ventriloquism, but the producing of natural 
 voices from figures is what makes the ventriloquial exponent stand out as an enter- 
 tainer. 
 
 After you have procured a suitable figure and have practised so when looking into 
 your mirror and ventriloquizing you cannot see the muscles of your face moving nor 
 your mouth moving continually, keep on practising and either arrange an act for your- 
 self or .have a suitable dialogue or novelty ventriloquial act written, then practice, 
 practice and practice some more and before imany moons you will be able to take your 
 place in the front ranks of amateur ventriloquists and then when you learn what an 
 audience wants and just how to put an act "across the footlights" as they term it in 
 stage parlance you may, if you so desire, ,£nter vaudeville as a professional ventrilo- 
 quial entertainer. 
 
 14 
 
SUPPLEMENT 
 
 Following will be found a number of gags used by La Vellma, which can be used 
 by the Ventriloquis.t arranged to suit his fancy in arranging a dialogue, which is the 
 Ventroliquist's act. Two specimen acts, one used by La Vellma some years ago when 
 he was doing a ventriloquial specialty in vaudeville and the other an act arranged by 
 La Vellma for a well known vetriloquist who not only presented the act with great 
 success in this country but who presented the dialogue in England and who was so 
 successful that it is claimed he was commanded to appear before royalty entertain- 
 ing many royal personages. 
 
 Bear in mind it isn't how the dialogue is written or how comical it may be when 
 presented before an audience, but what really counts is the ventriloquist's art and his 
 knowledge and ability as a showman, for showmanship is the biggest and most valu- 
 able asset in any line of theatrical work. 
 
 DIALOGUE JOTTINGS 
 
 Ventriloquist : Lend me a five spot, old man. 
 
 Figure: A five spot? Why, I'll lend you a whole deck. 
 
 Ventriloquist : A ring on a finger beats everything. 
 
 Figure : Yep. One ring on a finger, to a woman, beats three on a phone. 
 
 Figure: Better not take things too easy— unless they belong to you. 
 
 Figure : (Recites) 
 
 There is sunshine in her laughter, 
 
 And love's fire in her eyes 
 
 She was just the girl I was after 
 
 So I thought I'd take her by surprise. 
 
 I called her on the telephone 
 
 Some man he answered it — 
 
 He said his wife was not at home 
 
 I immediately threw a fit. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Every man should take a wife. 
 
 Figure : Yes. But he wants to be careful who's wife he takes. 
 
 Figure : You're dead, but too lazy to close your eyes. 
 
 Figure: Where there's life there's expenses. 
 
 Figure : Fire away I ain't listening. 
 
 Ventriloquist : You remind me of my wife. 
 Figure: I'm as bad as that, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: My wife is the grandest little woman that ever lived. 
 Figure : Old stuff, old stuff ! 
 
 IS 
 
Ventriloquist: Last night I met my girl at ten o'clock. It was quite late. 
 
 Figure : No. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Yes. I wonder where she was before that? 
 
 Figure : I won't tell you. She told me to promise I wouldn't tell. 
 
 Ventriloquist : Yes — I've travelled all over the world. 
 Figure: (Doesn't answer, but looks at Ventriloquist.) 
 Ventriloquist: Well — I suppose you doubt it? 
 
 Figure : No. I was wonder 
 
 Ventriloquist: (Anxiously) Yes? 
 
 Figure: If you are still true to me? ' 
 
 Ventriloquist: What is love? 
 Figure: Something that is but ain't. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why do you sneer at love? 
 Figure : You had better call a doctos. 
 
 Ventriloquist: The truth is I am in love. 
 Figure : Why worry me ? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Women are so careless with money. 
 
 Figure : Yep. They are so much so that sometimes they actually spend it for 
 omething useftil. 
 
 Ventriloquist : I sure like work. 
 Figure: But can you prove it? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Some day I'm going to get out of vaudeville- 
 Figure (interrupting) : And go to work. 
 
 Ventriloquist : You are a fresh young man. 
 Figure : Not fresh. Truthful. 
 
 Figure: I saw Bill last night. 
 Ventriloquist: Was he sober? 
 Figure: How can you ask that nowadays? 
 
 Ventriloquist: What is so delightful as an evening in May? 
 Figure: What was so rare as a night last June? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Are you living in New York. 
 Figure : No. Rooming in a rooming house. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Wont you please try and behave? 
 Figure: How much is in, it? 
 
 16 
 
A SUGGESTION 
 
 Many ventriloquial en'tertainers close their acts with a song sung with figure or 
 many times half with figure and rest with natural voice. 
 
 Today audiences want something different. What goes over big is a ventrilo- 
 quist finishing his turn with a recitation providing the actor can recite. Naturally 
 one knows there are two varieties of recitationists; the one who has studied 
 elocutiqn for home gatherings and the other the vaudeville elocutionist. The follow- 
 ing recitations, not new by any means (except the one about the war) but of the t^pe 
 that when properly presented never ^ail to be sure fire and draw applause from vau- 
 deville audiences. 
 
 BUT DID IT? 
 
 For fame and fortune's laurels 
 
 You early went in quest, 
 But you've found you've done a Brodie 
 
 And it happened for the best, — 
 But did it? 
 
 The bank roll that you sweated for 
 
 The egg stored in the nest, 
 Was frisked iby dips in broadcloth 
 
 But it happened for the best — 
 But did it? 
 
 You hurt a 'buddy's feelings, 
 
 But you only spoke in jest 
 And he cashed before you squared it 
 
 It happened for the best — 
 But did it? 
 
 The gal you near went nuts on, 
 When you put her to the test. 
 
 Gave you the gate and married Bill 
 It happened for the best — 
 But did it? 
 
 The blue-eyed kid you loved like life 
 
 And laid away at rest, 
 No more will lisp her daddy's name 
 
 It happened for the best — 
 Like hell it did! 
 
 When they send us down forever 
 
 Far away from all the rest. 
 Some boob will pull that same old gag, 
 
 It happened for the best. 
 
 17 
 
LIFE IS LIKE A BUBBLE OR A LITTLE PUFF OF SMOKE 
 
 Life is like a bubble or a little puff of smoke, 
 When you reach the end you'll find life btrt a joke. 
 You begin like all the others wilth hopes drawn high 
 And When it's time to quit the world you leave it with a sigh. 
 Life to us is an endless battle, you advance then you retreat. 
 Either you're marching on 'to victory, or you're marching to defeat. 
 While you're young you try and try again, 
 Buit when you grow old you know the battle's all in vain. 
 Sorrow, disease, misery, poverty and despair. 
 Are only little items in this world of strife and care. ' 
 When you're broke, you drift along from day to day, 
 Then hope is your life — your all — 
 A sudden jolt — you lose your grip — you fall. 
 You keep on drifting, your heart is filled with grief. 
 And you think if you were mad it would be a sweet relief. 
 It is then you try to drown your sorrows in whiskey and in wine — 
 But drink only drowns your sorrows for a time. 
 The pipe, the needle and the white dust are next in line, 
 They, too, will drown your sorrows for a time. 
 Sadness is 'turning fast to madness and death is near at hand, 
 But hope within you cries out to make a stand! 
 
 The wise ones nod their heads and say it's too late now to mend your ways- 
 You had plenty time to do it — in your younger days. 
 The curtain is descending on the drama of your life— 
 And when the curtain is lowered it shuts out all care and strife — 
 Shakespeare said we're all fellow passengers to the grave. 
 At the open grave we meet on equal terms, be we gentlemen or knave : 
 And so the book of life is writ with tears from the human heart — 
 But be it tears or laughter — iwe all mus't play our part. 
 
 JUST THINKING 
 
 Standing up there on the firestep looking ahead in the mist 
 With a tin hat over your ivory and a rifle clutched in your fist. 
 Watching and waiting and wondering— 'Are the Huns coming over tonight?' 
 Say— aren't the things that you are thinking about enough to give you a 
 
 fright? * \ 
 
 Things that you haven't even thought of for a couple of months or more 
 Thing that will set you a-laughin ; things that'll get you sore. 
 Things that you saw in the njovies, things that you saw on the street, 
 Things that you're really proud of, things that are not so sweet. 
 Debts that are past collecting, stories you've heard and forgot— 
 Ball games and birthday parties, hours of drill in the wet. 
 Headlines, recruiting posters, sunset way out at sea 
 Eveningof pay days, Golly! It's a queer thing this memory. 
 
 Faces of pals in the bomeburgh, voices of women folks 
 Lessons you learned in school days, pop up in the midst of smoke 
 As you s'tand there a-gripping your rifle, wet and chdled to the bone, 
 Wondering and wondering and wondering-just thmkmg there all alone. 
 When will ithe war be over, when will the gang break thru 
 What will the U. S. look like; what will there be to do? 
 Where will the boches be then, who will have married Nell? 
 When's the relie-f coming-Gee-but that thmkmg s hell! 
 
 18 
 
THE GAMBLER 
 
 I've flirted with Dame Fortune from the day that I was born, 
 
 And she's led me a very lively dance. 
 
 But I've reached the conclusion as my footsteps travel on, 
 
 That life is nothing but a game of chance. 
 
 The dealer of the cards is fate, and we must play our hand 
 
 Sometimes it's a high one, sometimes low. 
 
 Till finally when grim old death a showdown does demand, 
 
 Into the discard all. of us must go. 
 
 The rich man's son comes to this earth, he holds four aces cold, 
 
 On such a hand I'd gladly bet my stack. 
 
 And yet how often do we find when his life story's told 
 
 That he is but a joker in the pack. 
 
 The poor man's son is ofttimes born with nothing but a deuce. 
 
 But still against all odds he makes advance. 
 
 That's why I say, don't curse your luck, it really is no use. 
 
 For Life is nothing but a game of chance. 
 
 How often have I sat with cards that didn't run my way. 
 
 And had to keep on similing just the same. • 
 
 Or if I had a streak of luck that gave me a big play 
 
 I never bluffed the loser in the game. 
 
 One time I tried the game of hearts, I longed to take the queen 
 
 And on her finger place a wedding ring. 
 
 But just as I thought she was mine, a rich man step.ped (between 
 
 For I was but a two-spot, he was king. 
 
 I've seen the winners in life's game look happy and content 
 
 Yet giving unto charity no heed, 
 
 I've seen the wretched gambler parting with his last red cent, 
 
 In order that the "kitty" he might feed. 
 
 Beneath the diamond in the rough, true hearts I've often found. 
 
 It isn't fair to judge cards at a glance, 
 
 And if I come this way again, I think I'll bet 'em iblind. 
 
 For life is nothing but a game oi chance. 
 
 19 
 
VENTRILOQUIAL DIALOGUE 
 
 ^This act was presented in vaudeville for three years by a well known ventriloquist.) 
 
 Written and Arranged by David J. Lustig 
 
 Open with a song. 
 
 After song: — 
 
 Figure: I feel like a man that just had an aching tooth pulled. 
 
 Ventriloquist: How is that? 
 
 Figure : I'm glad it's out. 
 
 Ventriloquist: What, the tooth? 
 
 Figure. No, the song. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Did my dog bite you down in the dressing room a while ago? 
 
 Figure : Nope, he was going to but I told him it was Friday. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Very clever of you, you blockhead. 
 
 Figure: So Ignatz, they've been feeding you meat again, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Have you ever seen my wife? She's as pretty as a picture. 
 
 Figure: Has she got a good, frame? 
 
 Ventriloquist: I honor and respect the ladies. Look, Tom, even on our ten 
 c€nt pieces there is a woman's head. 
 
 Figure: Oh! I (FRIGHTENED). 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why, what is the matter? 
 
 Figure : I — I thought you were going to flash a dime ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Can you tell me why they put a woman's head on a ten cent 
 piece? 
 
 Figure : Because money always talks. 
 
 Ventriloquist : Now, women, generally speaking 
 
 Figure (interrupts) : As they usually are. 
 
 Ventriloquist: I ask you, Tom, where do they stand? 
 
 Figure: In the street cars. Ain't I right? 
 
 Ventriloquist: In Asia a man can get a wife for thirty cents. 
 
 Figure : Well, a good wife's worth it ! Next. Say, who was made first, man or 
 woman? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why, man of course. Adam was made first. He was a man ac- 
 cording to the Bible. 
 
 Figure: You're wrong. The Bible says Adam was the first made. (Maid) Deep? 
 Say, how can you make ice water without ice? 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's impossible. 
 
 Figure: No it ain't. Skin an onion. That will make your eyes water. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Did you see the girl I was talking to yesterday? 
 
 Figure : Ya ha. 
 
 Ventriloquisit : September Morn has nothing on her. 
 
 Figure: September Morn has nothing on herself? 
 
 Ventriloquist: I suppose that's a joke. 
 
 Figure : Nope. That's a fact. Ask the married men. Say Lorraine, why do the 
 little birds look so sad in the morning? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why do the little birds look so sad in the morning? I'm sure I 
 don't know. Why? 
 
 Figure: Because their bills are all over dew (due). To the river for you! 
 
 20 
 
Ventriloquist: Where was the first game of base ball played? 
 Figure : In the garden of Eden. 
 
 Ventriloquist: How do you make tha't out? >; 
 
 Figure : When the devil scored first on Eve's error. - '* 
 
 Ventriloquist: What is it we need most and can't hold onto? 
 Figure: A handleless umbrella. 
 Ventriloquist: (Takes out Watch, tells time.) 
 
 Figure: (Looks at watch). Where did you get that second hand watch? 
 Ventriloquist: That's brand new. 
 
 Figure: Anybody can see it's second hand. That went big in England, eh? 
 Ventriloquist: Say Tom, Dave dropped his watch on the floor the other night. 
 Did it stop? 
 
 Figure: Of course— Did you think it went through? 
 Ventriloquist : Ladies and Gentleman as I am — 
 Figui-e: (Sees box on table). Say, what's that? 
 Ventriloquist: Oh, you mean that relic? 
 Figure: No— that -box. 
 
 Ventriloquist: That isn't a box. That's an ancient relic of prehistoric times when 
 you and I were dust. 
 
 Figure : Maybe you, but not L . ^ 
 
 Ventriloquist: We were both dust then. 
 
 Figure: Oh no, I was part of a tree then. : - ; . 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's so, too. ■" " v 
 
 Figure: What's it for,' eh? ■' ' "■' -■ 
 
 Ventriloquist: That is a Pandoramtomaticko. ■ "" 
 
 Figure : And I'll have a beer ! ' ' 
 
 Ventriloquist : I found that while touring Egypt. 
 
 Figure: Where did you find it? 
 
 Ventriloquist : If you'll be quiet I'll tell you all about it. Several years ago I 
 
 was walking through the streets of Cairo 
 
 Figure :^ Walking? " ■ 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's what I said, walking. 
 
 Figure: Why didn't you ride? 
 
 Ventriloquist: I didn't want too. 
 
 Figure: You mean you didn't have car fare. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Stop this nonsense. I said as I was walking through the streets. 
 
 of 
 
 Figure : Still walking— must have been a long walk. 
 
 Ventriloquist: I was walking through the streets of Cairo 
 
 Figure: Did you see the (strains of 'Hootchie Coochie') (figure sings) Turn te, 
 
 da, da da. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Stop! (Music stops). 
 
 Figure : Go. We're safe. 
 
 Ventriloquist: I saw no such dancers. I was not in that section of the city. 
 
 Figure : Mama's boy. 
 
 Ventriloquist: But in one of tke bazaars 
 
 Figure : Who ? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Bazaars, I said. 
 
 Figure: I don't know him. 
 
 Ventrilequist: Who? _ ,>, 
 
 21 
 
Figure : The czar. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Neither do I. 
 
 Figure: But we know the King, eh? i 
 
 Ventriloquist: A bazaar is a — of course you know what a bazaar, is. 
 
 Figure: Sure I do — do you? 
 
 Ventriloquist : Of course I do. 
 
 Figure: What is it? 
 
 Ventriloquist: A bazaar is a shop in the Orient. 
 
 Figure: I thought in Cairo. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Cairo is a city in the Orient — The front of these bazaars have 
 no windov/s, the shopkeeper or as they are called there, Bazaar owners sit cross- 
 legged among their, goods on the counter peddling their wares. 
 
 Figure: (To Audience) I guess he's right. 
 
 Ventriloquist: I bought this pre-historic relic from an Egyptian named Hassan. 
 I Figure: Cigarettes? What's it for? 
 
 Ventriloquist : In the years gone by, the ancient seers in the temples owned 
 several of these Pandtiramtomatickos. They are very valuable treasures. When 
 they wanted to see or converse with anyone that had toeen dead for a long time, 
 the^ would set the lever at the front of this wonderful machine to whatever century 
 the person lived. Now say, you v/antcd to see Bill Shakespeare who lived in the 
 seventeenth century. I turn the lever to 17, you look into the machine and there 
 you see Shakespeare. 
 
 Figure: Don't he look old? Looks like Rip Van Winkle, don't he, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Anything else you would like to see? 
 
 Figure: Turn to 20. 
 
 Ventriloquist : Look in — Turn lever to 20 — That's a 20th Century scene. 
 
 Figure: (LOOKS IN— STARTS TO LAUGH— TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE 
 WINKS EYE — LOOKS INTO MACHINE ONCE MORE)— I thought so! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why, what do you see? 
 
 Figure: Your home — And — Your wife sitting on another man's knee! ! ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Stop this at once. 
 
 Figure: Gowan ! (Angrily). 
 
 Ventriloquist: Silence or I'll forget myself. 
 
 Figure: But don't forget my salary. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Enough of this. 
 
 Figure: Yaw — Wah! ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: If you don't stop — I'll send for your case! 
 
 Figure: Judge passed it 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why? 
 
 Figure: Only nine bottles and the judge 'couldn't make a case. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Very funny. 
 
 Figure: Say Lorraine, in Cairo, did you see any sights, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: I saw lots of them. 
 
 Figure : As I was turning the corner the other day I saw one. 
 
 Ventriloquist: What was it? 
 
 Figure: Your wife I She's some picture and some frame to the picture. 
 
 Ventriloquist: (PUSHES DUMMY AGAINST TABLE) Be careful of that relic. 
 I don't want to have it destroyed. Why my boy, that prehistoric relic will last for 
 hundreds of years, many years after you and I have passed away. 
 
 Figure : Maybe it will last longer then you but not me. 
 
 22 
 
Ventriloquist: Why? 
 Figure: Wood lasts a long while. 
 
 Ventriloquist: (TAKES UP PAPER) They say that (LOCAL. TOWN) is in a 
 dirty condition. 
 
 Figure : (NAMES TOWN PLAYING IN)— is in the same state. 
 
 Ventriloquist: You have a good head but there's nothing in it. 
 
 Figure: My head is like the (NAMES LOCAL PAPER) nothing in it, eh.? 
 
 Ventriloquist : You're right. 
 
 Figure: Is there anything in yours, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Of course there is 
 
 Figure: Why don't you kill them? 
 Ventriloquist: Do you sing? 
 Figure : You bet I do. 
 Ventriloquist; Good! 
 
 Figure: Sounds like four ibawls, three men on basses and Baker up at the bat! 
 . FINISH WITH A TOPICAL NUMBER OR BALLAD. 
 
 VAUDEVILLE VENTRILOQUIAL ACT 
 
 Written and arranged and used in season of 1314-1915 in vaudeville by 
 DAVID J. LUSTIG (La Vellma) 
 
 Vaudeviilians cannot use this act unless written permission is obtained from 
 David J. Lustig (La Vellma), care of National Vaudeville Artists, New York City, or 
 care of 1207 Main Street, Bridgeport, Conn. 
 
 PROPS — Smoking set on table with cigarettes and cigars, decanter and glasses, 
 newspapers and telephone. 
 
 SCENE — Interior or Garden Drop in "One." 
 
 OPENING — Music brings per-former on from R. I. E. 
 
 WHEN SEATED AT TABLE — Music stops. 
 
 AFTER MUSIC STOPS^ 
 
 Ventriloquist: How is it you are never on time? 
 
 Figure,: Hello George. (Looking around at audience). 
 
 Ventriloquist : It seems to be a habit with you too — ■ — 
 
 Figure: (Interrupting) Hello Sam. 
 
 Ventriloquist: The very next time you don't show up on time I'll 
 
 Figure: Hello Bill. 
 ■ Ventriloquist: Remember now, I won't stand waiting for you 
 
 Figure : How-de do, Adam. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Are you listening to me? 
 
 23 '" 
 
Figure: Hello Tom. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Are you listening to me? 
 
 Figure: Cock-a-doodle-doo. (IMITATES A ROOSTER). 
 
 Ventriloquist: Are you addressing that young lady? 
 
 Figure : Sure. 
 
 Ventriloquist: You're addressing her as a rooster would. 
 
 Figure: Ain't she a chicken? (WINKS EYE) 
 
 Ventriloquist: Did you hear what I said Ibefore? 
 
 Figure : (SINGS) How dry I am. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Remember if you're late again I'll 
 
 Figure : Pull your left rein you're running wild. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Are you going to listen to me or not? 
 
 Figure: Steer for land you're sea-sick. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Say what became of your lady love? 
 
 Figure: The one over in — - (Name small town nearby). 
 
 Ventriloquist : Yes. 
 
 Figure : She's gone with a burlesque show. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Getting good salary? 
 
 Figure : Yep. Forty-five dollars a week. 
 
 Ventriloquist: What does she do? 
 
 Figure : Says only three words. Hip hip hooray ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: And gets 45 dollars a week for just saying, Hip, hip hooray? 
 
 Figure: Nope, five for the^hooray and forty for the hip! 
 
 Ventriloquist: What did she do before joining the burlesque show? 
 
 Figure: Used to be a Salome dancer. You know. (SHAKES) (MUSIC: 
 
 HOOTCHIE CHOOTSHIE) 
 
 Venitriloquist: Stop it. 
 
 Figure : We won't get pinched. 
 
 Ventriloquist: (LOOKS AT WATCH) (TELLS TIME) 
 
 Figure: (LOOKS AT WATCH) Where did you get that second-hand watch? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Second hand. That's a new watch. 
 
 Figure: Anybody can see it's second hand. See it there? 
 
 Ventriloquist: I saw you drop your watch last night. Did it stop when it struck 
 the floor. 
 
 Figure : Kiss me ibefore I kill you ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: That watch will still be going, years after you and I have passed 
 from this earth. 
 
 Figure : Maybe after you pass but not me. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why? • 
 
 Wood lasts a long while. 
 
 (VENTRILOQUIST LIGHTS MATCH AFTER PUTTING CIGAR IN MOUTH. 
 FIGURE BLOWS IT OUT AS PERFORMER RUNS TOWARD TABLE.) 
 
 Ventriloquist: I'd like to hear you recite. 
 
 Figure: (LOCALIZE) 
 
 Norwalk is a dirty place " '' 
 
 This I've heard of late ; 
 
 But who can blame the poor old town 
 
 When Bridgeport's in the saiAe state. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Now let us hear another. 
 
 24 
 
Figure : (LOCALIZE) 
 
 Bridgeport's industries may hum, 
 But still the city's on the bum. 
 
 Ventriloquist: You're quite a poet. 
 
 Figure: Yes. How do you feel? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Pretty well but I have a slight headache. 
 
 Figure: Headache? 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's what I said. 
 
 Figure : Only people with brains have headaches. 
 
 Ventriloquist : Behave. I suppose you don't think I have any brains. 
 
 Figure: No — I don't think I 
 
 Ventriloquist: Enough! You are quite beside yourself. 
 
 Figure: No — I'm beside you. 
 
 Ventriloquist (angrily): You're a smart young man, aren't you? 
 
 Figure : He's got a headache ! ! 
 
 Ventriloquist : Of course I have a headache. 
 
 Figure : How could you, George ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Stop — you're aggravating me abominably. 
 
 Figure (sissified) : My God — she's provoked! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Don't try my patience too far! 
 
 Figure: Go way, dearie! You're half gone now! 
 
 Ventriloquist (putting hand to head) : You are causing my head to ache more. 
 
 Figure: You aint got a headache — cause where there's no sense there's no feeling. 
 
 Ventriloquist: I must see a doctor. He may give me something to rid me of this 
 pain. 
 
 Figure: Yep. Doctors do fix up pain. Who are you going to? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Dr. "X." He set an arm I broke once painlessly. 
 
 Figure: That's nothing. You know my brother Jack? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Certainly. 
 
 Figure: Well, Dr. "N" took ^ bones out of his right hand, painlessly. 
 Ventriloquist: Didn't your brother feel it? 
 
 Figure : You ibet he did. He didn't stop talking about what a rdbber that doctor 
 was for two months. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Doctors have their uses. 
 
 Figure: Yep. But a doctor is the meanest man in the world. 
 Ventriloquist: Why is a doctor the meanest man in the world? 
 Figure: Because they treat you and make you pay for it. 
 
 Ventriloquist (picks up decanter)— (Figure watches him)— (sees decanter) : H'm, 
 H'm (noise to attract attention). 
 Ventriloquist (drinks a sip). 
 Figure (coughs). 
 
 Ventriloquist (wipes Figure's mouth with handkerchief). 
 Figure (as performer goes to drink) : Ahem, I say. 
 Ventriloquist (drinks glass of wine). 
 
 Figure (as performer is drinking, hollers out different things, ad lib. such as 
 "Where do I come in?" "Give me some," etc., etc. After wine is down dummy hollers 
 
 out facing the audience — Dummy has been watching performer — "What the H !" 
 
 Ventriloquist: Oh, I forgot (again wipes dummy's mouth with handkerchief). 
 
 Figure (looks from performer to audience) : What the hell do you (performer 
 
 puts hand over dummy's mouth) (Ad Lib as hand is taken away) (use distant voice). 
 
 25 
 
Ventriloquist: What do you mean (by swearing in front of these ladies and gentle- 
 men? 
 
 Figure: What do you mean by drinking and not giving me any? 
 
 Ventriloquist : You don't deserve any. 
 
 Figure (sobbing) : You — you — wait — you and — and I have been good — good friends 
 for a long time — ^aint we? — ^Ans — answer me n-n-now — aint — we? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Yes. 
 
 Figure: I've hel — helped you — you to — to — earn a lot — of — of money, haven't I? 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's true. 
 
 Figure: Then why do you — you treat — m-m-me like — like this? 
 
 Ventriloquist: You can't have any wine. 
 
 Figure : All right. I'm — I'm through with you. Through for good. You — ^you 
 don't care if I leave you, do you? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Well — iwhat must be — must. 
 
 Figure (tremelo voice, dramatic) : All right, ithen. I'm going away — far, far away. 
 Pack — pack up my old rubber collars and my red undershirt — cause — cause I'm going 
 away. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Ah — don't feel like that. Let's make up and remember — you and I 
 have had a lot of fun together in our time — 
 
 Figure: (sobs). 
 
 Ventriloquist : Come now — it's true we've always been good friends — even pals — 
 and Johnny, I'm sorry — far sorrier than words can explain — that I spoke to you as I 
 
 did. 
 
 Figure: (continues to sob). 
 
 Ventriloquist : I'm sorry, old pal. Let's let bygones be bygones. We want to be 
 friends. What can I do to square things up? 
 
 Figure: Gimme a drink! (Vent gives dummy a drink). Dave — now that they have 
 taken that stuff away, what will become of you and me and Bill Doidge? (music stops) 
 
 Ventriloquist (laughs) : If the ladies will not object, I'll light my cigar. 
 
 Figure : Some cigar. 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's a good cigar. 
 
 Figure: What's its name? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why, that's a Rotten cigar, I believe. 
 
 Figure : Rotten? 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's its name. (Lights cigar). Rotten cigar. 
 
 Figure (smells cigar— coughs ; spits): Rotten — that's no name for it. 
 
 Ventriloquist (Ad Libs, quickly with dummy and himseli in argument). (Then) — 
 Now keep quiet, or I'll show you who's boss around here. 
 
 Figure : You're going to show me. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Yes, I am. Now be quiet. 
 
 Figure : Look what's going to show me. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Be still! 
 
 Figure: And if I talk? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Out the window you'll go! 
 
 Figure (sings): Out the window I will go, I will go — I will go I Say, out that 
 window? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Yes, that window! 
 
 Figure: Sure? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Yes, sure. Now do be still. (Looks at newspaper). 
 
 Figure: Are you really going to throw me out that window? j 
 
 26 
 
Ventriloquist : Yes. 
 
 Figure: Sure there's a window there? 
 Ventriloquist: Sure. 
 Figure: Is it high from the ground? 
 Ventriloquist : Yes. 
 Figure: How high? 
 
 Ventriloquist (rattles paper angrily) : About 60 feet above the ground. 
 Figure: If you throw me out that window, how will you get me back? 
 Ventriloquist: I'll not get you .back; I'll leave you there. 
 Figure: Where will you leave me? 
 Ventriloquist: Down in the street. 
 
 Figure: Couldn't you get a clothesline to haul me up? 
 Ventriloquist : I could if I wanted to. 
 Figure: How long would the line haye to be? 
 Ventriloquist: As long as the window is high. 
 Figure: Some line, (lieing). 
 Ventriloquist: Now keep quiet! 
 
 Figure (to audience): I'm getting his goat. Can you read? 
 Ventriloquist : Yes — shut up ! 
 
 Figure : Going to throw me out the window ! — Sixty feet high I— big boob — Throw 
 me out the window ! — some line ! — throw me out the window ! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Now see here. If you don't keep quiet I'll have to hit you. I want 
 to read the (localize) paper. 
 
 Figure : It's like your head — nothing in it ! 
 Ventriloquist : I'll have to hit you. 
 
 Figure: You don't have to if you don't want to! Going to throw me out the 
 window ! Going to hit me ! You big simp ! Hit me — go ahead. I'd like to see you hit 
 me. Going to throw me out the window! Go on, hit me — you're afraid to hit me I — 
 Throw me out the window! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Open your mouth again and you'll get hurt I 
 Figure: (Opens mouth, saying mama) Go ahead! — You don't dare to hit mel 
 Ventriloquist: (Hits him). (Dummy jumps, etc.). 
 
 Figure: (To audience) He did it!! You hit me, but you didn't throw me out the 
 window! 
 
 Figure: (Telephone rings). He rings that himself. 
 Ventriloquist: (Takes off re(feiver). Hello? — Yes — How are you? 
 Figure : Going to throw me out the window. 
 
 Ventriloquist : He's very ibad. Wait, I'll lift him to the phone. The agent wants 
 to speak to you. 
 
 Figure: About the rent? 
 Ventriloquist : No — about some bookings. 
 Figure: (In phone). Hello Al, how are you? 
 Voice: (Muffled distant voice in phone). How are you? 
 Figure: All right. How are you? 
 Voice : I'm fine. Hello. 
 Figure : Hello. 
 Voice: Are you there? 
 
 Figure : Yep. Sixty feet above the ground, near a window. 
 Ventriloquist: Keep quiet. 
 
 27 
 
Figure: (In phone). He wants me to keep quiet. 
 
 Voice: Why? 
 
 Figure : Because, and if I don't he's going to throw me out a window. 
 
 Ventriloquist: That's enough. (Hangs up receiver). 
 
 Figure: Abusing me again, eh? 
 
 Ventriloquist: Don't be foolish. Want to hear a good story about a gun? 
 
 Figure : Shoot I 
 
 Ventriloquist: I wish you'd learn to behave and speak like a gentleman. I've 
 treated you up to now with all kindness — in fact, do you know people, they say, can 
 be killed by kindness. 
 
 Figure : Gee — how I love my mother-in-law. 
 
 Ventriloquist : You told me the other day your eyesight was going back on you. 
 
 Figure: Yep! 
 
 Ventriloquist: Why don't you try glasses? 
 
 Figure: I did. I took six glasses and when I came out I saw double. 
 
 Ventriloquist: You seem to be one of those fellows who don't know what they 
 v/ant and won't be satisfied until they get it. Say, if you had but twenty-four hours 
 more to live how would you spend them? 
 
 Figure: One at a time. 
 
 Ventriloquist: Someone once said it takes seven tailors two months to make a 
 man and a woman can make a monkey out of a man in one hour. 
 
 Figure: But think of that hour!! 
 
 Ventriloquist: I heard my wife's brother insulted you the other day. 
 
 Figure : So he did. 
 
 Ventriloquist: How did he insult you? 
 
 Figure: He offered me a mixed drink. 
 
 Ventriloquist: And what did you do? 
 
 Figure: I swallowed the insult. 
 
 Ventriloquist : Let me hear you sing. 
 
 Figure : There's a lady down there getting ready to go out. 
 
 Ventriloquist: What's the idea? 
 
 Figure: She must have heard me sing 'before. 
 
 Dummy sings one verse and one chorus. At close of .verse performer carries 
 figure toward L. first entrance. 
 
 After exit orchestra repeats chorus fl., for bows. 
 
 (Suggested encore: Some good recitation done by performer without figure. If 
 performer uses figure let performer speak every other line in natural voice and figure 
 speaks other line in ventriloquial voice.) 
 
 Curtain 
 
 28 
 
VENTRILOQUISM BY MECHANICAL MEANS 
 
 To have a friend who is known to possess absolutely no ventriloquistic ability 
 step out upon a stage and carry on a performance is a simple matter. All that is nec- 
 essary is to place a loud-speaking receiver in the body of the manikin with the horn 
 or large mouthpiece directed toward the audienc, the receiver being, in turn, connect- 
 ed to a special transmitter in a dressing or anteroom some distance away; conceal an 
 ordinary operator's breast transmitter in the body, so that anything said by the 
 "fake" ventriloquist can (be heard by the assistant, and arrange a number of electro- 
 magnets for the movement of the jaw, head, and arms. 
 
 The idea was successfully carried out recently in Chicago. The "fake ventrilo- 
 quist" stands several feet away from the manikin and simply asks questions or makes 
 requests, the assistant behind the scenes doing the work. The assistant, who should 
 also be a singer, so as to respond to the request for songs, is proyided with a list ot 
 answers to the various questions. While speaking or singing into the special trans- 
 mitter, the assistant also manipulates a telegrapher's key controlling an electromag- 
 net which causes the manikin's jaw to move. By the use of additional electromagnets 
 and keys, the manikin's head can be made to turn from side to side, and the arm be 
 raised in a salute. 
 
 The Magnavox Co. 2701 East Fourteenth street, Oakland, California; J. Skinder- 
 viken, 335 Broadway, New York City, and G. Boissonnault, 26 Courtland street. New 
 York City, make apparatus that could be used in perfecting the effect described. 
 
 29 
 
BooHs ! BooKs ! Booh? ! 
 
 If you want to SELL your Magic Library, or your 
 
 duplicate copies of books and magazines 
 
 send me your price list 
 
 If you want to BUY books or magazines, I will 
 send you my List 
 
 All Kinds of Books for the Entertainer 
 
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 1421 University Avenue New York City 
 
 W. L. DELANO, President E. W. RIDLER, Manager 
 
 Del Arno 
 
 Inventor and Maiufactuier of 
 
 MAGICAL APPARATUS 
 
 499 Washington Avenue 
 Chelsea, Mass. 
 
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 30 
 
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 "LA VELLMA" 
 
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 BRIDGEPORT, CONNECTICUT 
 
 Permanent Address for All Correspondence 
 
 31 
 
"The Great Mysteries" 
 
 By a former " HANDCUFF KING " 
 
 The best of the hitherto carefully guarded secrets 
 
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 Methods of Performing and Escaping from 
 
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 STRAIGHT JACKET 
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 MAIL BAG 
 
 GLASS CASE 
 IRON BOILER 
 
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 80 PAGES IBM'^ 75 ILIiUSTRATIONS 
 
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S. Willson Bailey 
 
 SAYS 
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 " LA VELLMA ' 
 
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 CAMBRIDGE, MASS. 
 
 304 VJest 34th Street, New York City