CHRI STOPHERCRICKJEJ ON BY ANTHONY H EUWER V/ITH INTRODUCTION BY CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY GIFT OF J. C. Trautwine PN 6268.C3C92 "'""""•' '""'"^ llSllIwralRite.Sri'?'*^* on cats, 3 1924 027 240 591 J Al Cornell University yjJM Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/cletails/cu31924027240591 CERISTOFHBB CBICEBT. CHRISTOPHER CRICKET ON CATS WITH OBSERVATIONS AND DEDUCTIONS FOR THE ENLIGHTENMENT OT THE HUMAN RACE FROM INFANCY TO MATURITY AND EVEN OLD AGE By ANTHONY HENDERSOJ^. EUWER,- Qp^ically Exemplified by the Author WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY WALLACE IRWIN Second Edition The Lit-iLE Book Concern Nineteen Forty-seven Broadway New York. OOPVRIGHT, 1909 SY JLUTHONf H, EUWER Deadication To all the Cats that ever meowed On this or any sphere, — From the beginning of all time Unto this present year; To all the Gats that's still to come, And to ?ill those that lives, And to their ghosts, — each countia nine. And to their relatives; And to each one who likes some sort Of Cat, no matter what, — I deadicat this little book With kind and lovin thought. And spesh'lly to Samuel T. Shaw. Pussy, as I stroke thy fur And smooth Its silken thicket 1 h«ar above thy placid purr The chirping of 4 Cricket; Ah, I suspect that subtle Bug, When winter's skies are drabby, Has crawled beneath the hearthstone rug To keep a tab W Tabby! Nay, Pubs pr Po^t seldom thrives TJn-klcked bjr Rumor's sandal — How can a Cat lead nine pure lives Without a breath of scandal? Kight lives a Cat might lead at home As blameless as St. George's, Tet in Its nineth carnation roam To witches' midnight orgies. L^Z*%^^^jbfi ^'m)g A cat of cultivated tbroat Has repertoires that vary — Tet in the shrillness of bis note He rivals the canary. A cat-coneerto highly strung With penetrating spirit Is like some Songs I too have sung — I'd rather sing than hear it. So here are Master Cricket's views On Cats. I place reliance In what he says — ^though half the news He tells may startle Science. But should harsh Critics speak of "fakes" With one reply I'm ready: "One touch of nature (-faker) makes The whole world kin," says Teddy. Waixacb Ibwin. LIKE COLUMBUS, MUNGHAUSEIT, DABWIN AND THOMPSON 8ET0N, THE WBITEB HAS TBATELED SOME BUT WBITTEN LOTS MOBE. Preface . N bringin this work befdre the public its a good thing to know that most everything here is pretty true, all cept some of the tilings Uncle Ben's helped on, and if readers is ever awful doubtful in these places, guess they'd better use their own judgments. Every thing learned here has been the fruits of unremittin observation, lots of askin, and a terrible lot of thinkin. Of course every- body knows how hard it is to find out everything, and that's why this work should be of speshul value to students of wizdum. Like Columbus, Munchausen, Darwin and Thompson Seton, the writer has traveled some but written lots more, lovin Nature like the very Dickens since his tenderest infancy. Out of respect and kindness for the gentle reader, Scientific Ap-pel-la-tions, At-ten-u-ated Fraz-e-ol-o-gy, and very long words from Foreign, Ob- BO-lete and Bar-bar-i-ous Languages bas been mostly Ex-pur-ga-ted (meanin to cut out), tbougb some still remains, whicb, if people dont understand, taint the writer's fault. People that's Om-niv-er-ous Readers hadn't ought to read more than about jest one part at a time, then think pretty hard for a long while about what they've been leamin. This is so they wont get Mentel De- range-ment and builds up the brain cavaties fine. Of course everybody wont agree may be with all of the writer's views and things, jest like with all other great writers, — ^that's why great writers have differ- ent views anyhow. As its not good manners to talk about yourself, the reader will descry that these sentences has been writ- ten in the third person, and would ha,ve been written in the fourth if other persoots hadn't stopped his persuin the advanced stages of grammar. Its hoped that all will get what they're lookin for and lots more. rOB JEST LIKE FOLKS, TOC'LL FIND THAT THESE HAS NO END TO THEIB QUALITIES. Cats and Humans — AH the Same Of all the beasts that live, we must, I guess, call Cats the humanust; For jest like folks, you'll find that these Has no end to their qualities. For some is fat and some is lean, Some very dirty and some clean, — Some's always licken at their fur And some's not so particular. Some Cats take jest fresh milk and meat. Some takes all that they're gave to eat. Some Cats they cough, and some they wheeze, And some's, afflicted by dizeeze; Some Cats is blind, and stone-deaf some, But aint no Cat waz ever dimib. Some Cats will monkey round and fool, And play for hours with jest a spool, While some jest sit and blink their eyes, Preferrin to philosophise. Some Cats likes most folks pretty fine, But some takes care to draw the line. Some comes and rubs against you which. Means- will you scratch them where they itch,^ While others is so mean all through They like lots better scratchin you. And. so you see the marvellous Way Felines does resemble us. Cats and Humans — all the same. Jest sort of diff'rin in the name. The Cat The Cat's a four-legged quadruped, — Not oountin in his tail, The Mrs. is the Tabby Cat And Thomas is the male. The Cat it-is carniverous, ' Although to milk inclinin, It makes a hump out of its back And whiskers it looks fine in. No home should be without the Cat Aspeshly. where there's Mouses, It never goes away, the Cat, But stays jest where the house is. Quantity of Legs S stated in the forgoin pome, the Cat's a four-legged Quadruped. No Cat has five legs, — if they have, taint a Quad- ruped Cat. Tri-pod Cats is made hy cuttin oif one leg. Different Breeds ATS are different breeds accordin to their dispositions. Cats thats made for little boys and girls to maul and tease is called Maltease Cats. Some Cats is known by their queer purs,— these is called Pursian Cats. Though most Cats is kind unles molested, some aint, — 'Cats with very bad tempers is called Angorrie Cats. Sometimes a very fine Cat is called a Magnificat. In tropic lands the Cat is Called a Popocatapelt. Cats with deep feelins is called Feline Cats. Differenses Frum Other Things ATS is different frum Hoj-ses cause they have Kittens. '- CATS WITH DEEP FEEUNS IS CAIXED FELINE CATS. Uses of Cats OMETIMES Cats has saved the intiro lives of infants by not lowin em to swallow their fur and ticklin em to death. Cats has been known to save hundreds of dollars' worth of things frum bein robbed, by lettin Burglars stumble over them in the dark and wakin up the house-hold. Prineipal Dizeezes HE principal dizeezes of Cats is Cata- racts, Catarrah, Catagoria,; Catar- wauls, Caterpillars, Catawba and Cat- aleapsy. Some Cats is great leapers and when very joyous jump themselves all around through the adjacent atmosphere. This is called Cataleapsy^ and 'gets to he a dizeeze which they throw themselves into any time they think of somethin very funny. Purrrn's like pulse is with health and indicates the state of hap- piness of the purrer. Jest plain purrin means they've got no particular objections to any thing long as they're allowed to pur, but more than sixty purs a minute indicates their pleasure's rousin and that Cata- leapsy's comin on if they're not saddened sufficient in time. Sometimes Cataleapsy is jest internattent in spells, but sometimes Uncle Ben says it has been known to last for days, touchin the ground only at rare in- tervals, and that often nothin wuz left of the victim but a few dyin purs and some fur. Frum purrin meanin to indicate, he says we derive the expression "how much pur". HE principal productis of Cats is Cat's-eyes, Gat-tails, Catacombs, Catamarans, Catagories, Cata- pults, Catnip, and Caterers. CATALEAFB7. Calaleaptics these are, trav'Iin to the moon — With a fudden fiuUin, (Ad balotm comet taut,^ See how Us ^e tiees are (lom the U? baloon. ^ Captain Michad Memmsa^ the blame thins'seau^hl Two chaps they set scary just as they've begun, "Someone brave and tnecl.we'11 need to wisiu through^*; Anchor drops most very quiet here in one. Captain Midiael's cried, up here in number two. w^wm "Sposen we slide down and do the best we kn. Take a look aroun andlhen report again,*' Said the Fraidies while, the rest allbreathlesslie. Sat and watched 'cm {ale out hoe in number three. Soon they found the anchcH* in a tree-top's height—! ^^Started in to yank her all their blocnnin might "Bet when tins is loose, 1 ^ back there no mate. Watch me just vomooM, * he says in number rhit. While the words he's utt'rin— whocj \ kerwif I kerwhee I Whole shebang goes sputt'rin— good-bye Mister Treel **Gosh but that was quick] but tmyif to keep alive Guess we'd better stitik," he says in number five. Now as_ brave old heroes, back again they're gittin— Rest don*t know how near those heroes came to quinin. If tho they]d thar Freedom with thw funny triclo. Guess you'd nev« seed em ho'e in numbo- nx. S^^i*^'""'* '■^■^'^^ite|^i■■^ J-^ CATS tai;e tooetueb bt mewiw, frum whence we ge* the word "COMMEWNICAT." Spcshul Peculiarafaties ATS talk to each other by mewin, frum whence we get the word "Commewni- cat." As Cats has nine lives they have to be killed many times before they're seriously dead. Killin Cats is considered unlucky, speshly by Cats. Once there wuz a speshul kind of Cat havin nine long tails, each tail being connected with one of its lives inside, and this Cat, he wuz called a Cat-o-nine- THESE OATS WUZ USED FOB LICKEN TBANSOBESSOKS. -tails. These Cats wuz used jest for lickeri transgress- ors, the Cat bein taken by their necks accordin to Uncle Ben, and swung through the surroundin ozone till the tails stopped at whatever portion of the transgressor wuz to be licked. Of course each tail that wore out wuz one less life for the Cat, and if the neck wore out first then the whole Cat wuz one less^so that soon there wuzn't enough Cats with enough tails or necks to go round all the transgressors and this speshul species^ soon become extinct. Course the transgressors didn't blame the Cats so much, — it wouldn't have made any difference to the Cats if they had. I guess tho, if the- transgressors hadn't transgressed and the Cats had bit off their exter tails when they wuz Kittens, they might have all lived happy lives. Music's Debt to Cats ATS is very musical, bein filled with violin-strings which is coiled up like clock springs and which is worked like wind-instrTunents by blowin through them with their livers. Cats is very emotional and when agitated can run through the whole gimlet of Cataline Passions, — both joyous, lovin and remorseful. Cats is very romantic and compose many beautiful Sarahnaids while "Bingin, without ever thinkin them up at all. Many cats like to get on backyard fences and walls and sing what's called Ejiockturns, so that when somethin knocks them they can turn quick to the other side. That's why they always sing them on walls and fences because there's always a other side which is very useful for turnin purposes, , when there's no tellin which side things are comin frum. When Cats are knocked durin the persuit of musical leighbors it is called a Catastrophy. Some people haven't any ear for Cat music at all, much prefurrin silence,— these is called Insomniastg. Then there's Psalmnombulists,^ but they're much worse havin been known to ejpct bottles, bricks, and shoes with murderous intent, not even waitin till the musical numbers wuz finished. Uncle Ben says that when he wuz a boy, Psalmnom- bulists always used boot-jacks which went straight as a gun and never missed, and that the two richest men in his town wuz the Cat Doctor and the Boot- jack Man. OJi wiial's. tlie use of anylliiug In this life anyhow — Won't notliin matter much I guess A hundred years from now. ▲ BAnncir oaxb aud looa. A Rainen Cats and Dogs Oh Uncle Ben, he says that he Has sometimes seen it rain, In mighty torrents from the sky With all its might and main. And got stiU worser till, he says. That through the mists and fogs, It came on down till all at once 'Twas rainen Cats and Dogs. But they waz only ghosts, I guess, For when the storm wuz done, He looked around to take some home. And couldn't find a one. o^exJ^ When a Cat has Gone and Died When a Cat has gone and died, He lays down upon his ^ side, Then by ones and twos and threes Spirits ooze out by degrees! - Then the top one in the air, Asks em all if they is there, — Then they answer to the roll Till jest nine make up his soul. Then with a soft, wailin sound, AH start goin round and round, Chantin while they're hov'rin, some Sad and solemn requium. Then float off with direful moan,-- Him left by hisself alone. THEN THE TOP ONE IN THE AIB ASKS EM AIX IF THET IS THEBE. Cats on Histry^s Page, The Cumpuss Cat ATS li a s wonderful bumps of directions and can tell which way the earth is no ' matter how far they've been fawlin from. Cats is even better than compusses, cause their hairs is all magnetic poles which can be heard crackin by rubbin the fnr with the human hand. That's why Cats cant never get lost cept when they're drownded. Long, long ago Cats wuz used by the Chinease instead of compusses for steerin their ships. This wuz done by puttin the Cat on the behind end of the boat and then whichever way the Cats pointed their tails, they steered the ship. Course sometimes the ships aisiv M cuwcp. got wrecked, but that wuzn't the Cat's fault, for sometimes the wind would blow their tails different frum the way they had em pointin. Course when Cats do get lost they most always come back, but if they ever dont, taint dause they cant but cause they m^ybe dont want to. Bet I 'd never come back if I wuz some Cats that live some places I know, but Cats is wonderful good-hearted that way and dont seem to mind nothin. fes/' THE WHITCHES THEY USED TO BEAT EM WITH THE BBOOM SWITCHES THAT THEY HAD. Cats on Histry's Page — Wild Cats N olden times Whitches wuz furnished- with Cats and at night time they used to go screetchin round through the air with the Whitches on their backs with great Big eyes like fire in the dark and gee! but they must have been terrible big Cats to carry the Whitches. Glad I wuzn't there. And then the Whitches they us6d to beat em with the broomswitches that they had, so that the Cats wuz jest wild to get away, so that's what made em Wild Cats. WITH OBEAT BIG ETGff LIKE FIBE VS THE DABK. Cats on Histry's Page-^Thc Sacred Cat ONG time ago, way back in Egypt, they wuz awful fond of Gats. Uncle Ben says they jest wurshiped them. And sometimes Cats wuz found the colour of red sacks that they kept coffee in, and these wuz called Sack- red Cats and wuz speshly honored by bein hurried alive with the dead kings and things. Gee, I'd hate to been a Sack-red Cat. Gats on Histry's Page— The Nights of Malta In Malta far, whidi is a Isle Out in the wavy seas, A breed of Cats wuz once the style, And_they wnz called Maltease. liong, lean, and healthful wuz they each, And they could yotrl like blazes. All through the night, from dusk till light, In ninety different places. But all the people wuzn't Jobs, When anger 's ire wuz riz. So once in all their nightly robes They up and got to biz. Some'Cats wuz mobbed, some Cats wuz slewn, And some fleed to the sea, — Skedadlin out into the moon Far frum their loved countree^ And folks that night, they swore a oath, And some cris-crossed their chests, And some there wuz performed them both, In memry of the- pests. To celebrate that welcome loss They called the cris-cross rite A Maltease Cross, to show how cross They wuz that fearful night. The Nights of Malta you've all heard Tell of on Histry's page,— ^ Well these wuz those that once occurred In that Catastrous age. ^i^iuTiyittrib SOME CATS WUZ MOBBED, SOME CATS WUZ SLEWN AND SOME FI^ED TO THE SEA. ) Miscellaneous Observations EBY skinny Cats is sometimes said to be Catdaverous. Though Cats can yowl for miles the way they walk so noiseless is some- thin marvellous. Trancandental- ists say this is because their feet is inhabited by the dead soles of departed beins. Opposite views is held by some Catropodists who say that the reason Cats walk so quiet is jest because they dont want people to know they're comin, and that its a strange fact that they really do walk as loud as Cows and things but that the sound is invisible to the human ear. Reasons for Different Things ATS make most noise at night because in the daytime there's so much else goin on that people wont listen to them. The reason Cats can see fine at night is their eyes is jest like lamps, and so they need lots of oil, and that's why they eat Pishes, cause Fishes is oily. The reason Cats can go anywhere at night is cause they eat lots of Mouses and Mouses can go anywhere at night cept where there's Cats. Cats dont bark cause they're afraid they might be taken for Dogs, — ^which would be very humiliating for Cats are very proud of their Catilage and would rather be taken for Cats than most anything else. it's a stbanoe fact that thet beaixt do walk as loud as cows and things. Once there wuz a Bulldog Once there wuz a Bulldog And a Tabby cat Thought they'd lick each other So they had a spat. When it all wuz over Didn't much remain, Cept a hunk of vertibrate And a squish of brain. Like the death of Moses ■ Nothin much is known Bout the main particlars, Cept they wuz alone. Which wuz winnin victor No soul livin knows, — Best I guess to leave em Lyin in repose. Some day when you're passin That there spot you'll see Jest some Catnip growin By a Dogwood Tree. WHICH WUZ WINNIN TICTOB NO SOUI. IXVVS KNOWS. Once a Cataleaptic Thlnkin of a joke, Had a awful vilent Cataleaptic stroke'. Shot him up kerswlshen While he flopped around,— Guess 'twas most a hour be- Fore he hit the ground. '^/f^s^^^^^^^^ Came dowa all exhausted In the marshes damp, Wigglin round jest like a Pretzel with a cramp. "Gee, I Jie'er again will Think of jokes like that, — Just one more I'm sure would Finish this here Cat!" Why Cats has Whiskers When a oat he starts to go, Through a hole somewhere, He most alwa,ys likes to know If thei^^s room to spare. Then he reckons how much space Does his whiskers take. By jest pushin through his face Measurtements to make. If they have to bend, he knows That it means hard luck, And the rest of him that goes Surely will get stuck. But if they don't bend, you see. Tells it at a glance, — Knows its safe as safe can be, So he takes the chance. Pity people haven't all Whiskers like this chap's! If they had they might fore-stall Many dire mishaps. HE BECKOKS HOW MUCH SPACE DOES HIS WHIBEEBS TAKE. Kittens jest why myself. tTJNNY thing about Kittens is that though they're descended frum Cats they begin with a K. Scientists have never discovered why this is and I've been too busy to find out Kittens is jest the same as pressed- in Cats and hence should be fed on kundensed milk."^ Kittens is stone-blind for nine days after they're borne. Oculists and Catnologists disagree as to whether this is because they wouldn't understand what things wuz if they did see em, askin so many questions that no mother livin could answer them all* at the same time, or as Uncle Ben thinks, its jest to make em glad they're livin later, by keepin their vision retarded until they're able to assimilate objects and things. He says that Kittens always used to put him in mind of wouiided soldiers the way they wuz both borne in litters. Things Some People Know and Some Things They Don^t H yes I almost forgot. What is it that walks like a Cat and has a tail like a Cat and makes a noise like a Cat and looks jest like a Cat but it aint a Catf Its a Kitten. Uncle Ben's Great Grandfather used to tell him one' every once and a while, — ^why is Cats like poor sur- geons? Cause they mew-til-late and destroy patience. Then there wuz another that Uncle Ben says he wub brought up <)n, — ^why are Cats' tails like eternity t Cause they're fur to the end. Guess that's all there is to know about Cats. If there's any more 'taint worth knowin, cause I've paid particular attention to Cats for almost a week and I guess I ought to know. BENJ. H. TYRREL PRINTER 20i-208 Fulton St., New Yotk