LIBRARY OF THE NEW YORK STATE COLLEGE OF HOME ECONOMICS CORNELL UNIVERSITY ITHACA, NEW YORK JJanners and social usages. 3 1924 014 010 775' Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924014010775 a 0) J3 K a) m c: hj c n H en rt >< ft ■4 H c (d rt ft (K n > D •^ M u m (- unntVB nnh otxni laagfja REVISED AND CORRECTED ILLUSTRATED NEW YORK AND LONDON BOOKS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD BEFORE THE BABY COMES, by Mamanna WheeIiEB. 16mo. Cloth. EDUCATING THE CHILD AT HOME, by Ella Frances Lynch. THE YOUNG MOTHER'S HANDBOOK, by Mabunna Wheeler. 16mo. PRINCIPLES OF CORRECT DRESS, by Florence Hull WiNTEBBtrRN. 16mo. GOOD FORM FOR ALL OCCASIONS, by Florence Howe Hall. NOVEL WAYS OF ENTERTAINING, by Florence Hull Wintebbubn. 16ino. COOK BOOK OF LEFT-OVERS, by Clark and RuLON. 16mo. SOCIAL USAGES AT WASHINGTON, by Flor- ence Howe Hall. 16mo. HOW TO KEEP HOUSEHOLD ACCOUNTS, by Charles Waldo Haskinb. I6mo. THE EXPERT MAID SERVANT, by Christine Terhune Herrice. 16ino. HYGIENE FOR MOTHER AND CHILD, by Dr. Francis H. MacCartht. Post Svo. MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. lU'd. Post Svo. THE EXPERT WAITRESS, by Anne Frances Sprinqsteed. New Edition. 16ino. THE BABY, HIS CARE AND TRAINING, by Marianna Wheeler. Revised edition 16mo. HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL, by Marie Mon- TAIONE. Illustrated. HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK Copyright, 1884, 1887, 1897, by Harper & Brothers Copyright, 1912, by Arthur M. Sherwood Printed in the United States of America K-0 (HanttntB CHAP. PAGE I. Cards and Calls i II. The Etiquette op Calling xo III. Cards op Courtesy 20 IV. Introductions 28 V. Invitations and Answers 43 VI. Brides and Weddings 53 VII. "Who Pays por the Cards?" 67 VIII. Weddings after Easter 76 IX. Before the Wedding 84 X. Wedding Anniversaries 92 XI. Luncheons, Formal and Social 104 XII. The Modern Dinner-table 113 XIII. Laying the Dinner-table 122 XIV. Simple Dinners 131 XV. Summer Dinners 137 XVI. Teas and Receptions 146 XVII. Balls and Dances 150 XVIII. Supper-parties 157 XIX. Matinees and Soirees 163 XX. Christening Ceremonies 169 XXI. Garden-parties 173 XXII. House-parties 181 XXIII. Host ANiJ Guest 189 XXIV. Fork and Spoon 197 iii (EanUntB CBAP. PAGE XXV. Table Linen 203 XXVI. Chaperons and their Duties 208 XXVII. Etiquette for Spinsters 217 XXVIII. Optional Civilities 223 XXIX. Good and Bad Society 230 XXX. Society's Small-talk 236 XXXI. Dress 243 XXXII. Etiquette op Mourning 247 XXXIII. Letters of Condolence 257 XXXIV. Letter-writing 265 XXXV. Questions Answered 273 XXXVI. Lady and Gentleman 280 XXXVII. Etiquette for Men 288 XXXVIII. The Etiquette of Sport 298 XXXIX. Servants 311 XL. Manners of the Past 321 XLI. The Awkward and the Shy 329 XLII. The Etiquette op Towns and Villages. 335 XLIII. English Social Usages 346 XLIV. How to Treat the English 354 XLV. Life Abroad 361 ^UitstrattnnB THE CORRECTLY SET DINNER-TABLE EGG SALAD IN A NEST OP CELERY AN ELABORATE SALAD SERVED IN ASPIC PRETTY TIN DISHES FOR A TENTH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION . . . . ; THE TABLE CORRECTLY SET FOR A FORMAL LUNCHEON HOW TO FOLD THE DINNER NAPKIN . . THE ARRANGEMENT OF A SINGLE COVER AN ATTRACTIVE WAY OF SERVING SHERBET A DAINTY WINE SERVICE THE CORRECT SERVICE FOR COLD REFRESHING BEVERAGES Frontispiece ! Facing p. 62 WAITRESS . , CHAMBERMAID . lady's MAID , PARLOR MAID , 106 116 13a 142 31a ^artxaarh HIS volume is designed to be of practical use to the average American man and woman, not only to the dwellers in large cities, but to those who live in towns and villages as well- It offers suggestions for proper conduct in all the ordinary walks and emergencies of life. These are based, as such suggestions should be, not upon the passing fads of the hour, but on broad principles of good taste and consideration for others, and on the social conditions of our country. Many customs of foreign society would be out of place in America and have therefore no place in this book, save those which may be useftd by comparison, or for the assistance of travellers. In discussing the chaperon, the editor attaches less importance to European ex- ample than to those fortunate conditions in America which limit the chaperon's activities to a few cities and circles. Above, and beyond all, this book is written by au- thority. It is not the result of careless observation nor oflmperfect training and knowledge. The advice and counsel of those best known socially in both large and small cities has been sought and considered, and vii 3r0rfutnrJi the result set down here is final. In a word, it tells just what the best, the most well-bred and refined per- sons would do in all matters of social observance. As manners and customs change in minor details, this book is revised and brought thoroughly up to date every other year. Acknowledgment is due the late Mrs. M, E. W. Sherwood for much of the material on which this new volume is based. ilanttpra atth Mortal Haagpa MnnmtB Viuh Batmi laag^s CHAPTER I CARDS AND CALLS N OTHING strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De Tocqueville, the first to men- tion it) as the prominent position of woman in the best society of America. She has al- most no position in the political world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no Princess Belgioso, here to make and xmmake otir presi- dents; but women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, ambassa- dors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every Court whose business it is to visit, write, and answer invitations, leave cards, call, and perform all the multi- farious duties of the social world. In America, the lady of the house does all this. The men are all in business or on pleasure bent, at work, ofE yachting or automobiling. Few of them can spend time to make their dinner calls. liannfra anh Mortal llflag^a Thus to women, as the conductors of social poli- tics, is committed the card — that pasteboard protocol whose laws are well defined in every land but our own. Among women socially prominent there are different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as between two women. We give the commonly received opinions as expressed by the customs of New York society. When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable acquaintance? Not too hastily. Of cotirse the best way is to wait until she has met the person in question, has been properly introduced, and so feels sure that the acquaintance is desired. The oldest resi- dent, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first; but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable and polite expedient has been substituted for a first call — in the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by the lady who wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These may or may not be accompanied by the card of some resident friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on her society career with no loss of self-respect. Those who do not respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new acquaintances, however — "pushing," as it is called — cannot be too much deprecated. QIaritB ani Calla First calls should be returned within a week, or, as some authorities say, within a fortnight. If a lady is invited to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this matter is rude. Whether she attend the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having shown her- self a woman of good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to keep up the acquaintance, but she must recognize the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is not the way to discourage impleasant familiarity. In New York, Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and generally in the smaller towns, residents call first upon new-comers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, so far as the official world is concerned, and the new-comer calls first at the White House, the residence of the Vice- President, and so on through the list. All, save of- ficials of the highest grade, return these calls. The visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrange- ment is so convenient that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all over the country. It does not. as mi«ht be supposed, expose society MunnttB nnh Batiul Maaggg to the intrusion of xinwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid an3rthing like an unwelcome intimacy or an acquaintance with an undesirable per- son, even if such a person should "call first." If a lady has been invited to a tea or other enter- tainment through a friend without having known her hostess, and has called promptly, she must understand that the acquaintance is at an end, if the invitation is not followed up by a return card or another invita- tion. She may, however, invite her new friend, within a reasonable time, to some entertainment at her own house, and if that is accepted the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascertained by a young woman who begins life in a new city whether her new acquaintances intend to be friendly or the reverse. A resident of a town or village can call, with propriety, on any new- comer. The new-comer must return this call; but, if she does not desire a further acquaintance, this can be the end of it. No first visit should be returned by card only; this would be considered a slight, unless followed by an in- vitation. The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of acquaintances may render a per- sonal visit almost impossible. She may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is not herself able to call in person. The original plan of an acquaintance in a formal city 4 Olttrha and (HuUb circle was to call once or twice a year on all one's friends personally, with the hope and the remote expectation of finding two or three at home. When society was smaller in New York, this was possible, but it soon grew to be impossible, as in all large cities. This finally led to the estabUshment of a reception-day which held good all winter. That became impossible and tire- some, and was narrowed down to four Tuesdays, per- haps, in one month; that resolved itself into one or two five-o'clock teas; and then again, even the last easy method of receiving her friends became too oner- ous, and cards were left or sent in an envelope. Now, according to the strict rules of etiquette, one card a year left at the door, or one sent in an envelope, continues the acquaintance. We can never know what sudden pressure of calamity, what stringent need of economy, what exigencies of work, may prompt a lady to give up her visiting for a season. Even when there is no apparent cause, society must ask no questions, but must acquiesce in the most good-natured view of the subject. Still, there must be uniformity. We are not pleased to receive Mrs. Brown's card by post, and then to meet her making a personal visit to our next neighbor. We all wish to receive our personal visits, and if a lady can- not call on all her formal acquaintances once, she had better call on none. If she gives one reception a year and invites all her "list," she is then at Uberty to refrain from either call- ing or sending a card, except in acknowledgment of [ann^rfi tinh Bativil T&su^tB an invitation to a wedding or a dinner, a ladies' lunch or a christening, or unless she receives some very par- ticular invitation which she must return by an early personal call — ^the very formal and the punctilious say within a week, but that is often impossible. After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden-parties, or "at homes," cards should be left by all invited guests within a week after the event, particularly if the invited guest has been obliged to decline. These cards may be left without inquiring for the hostess, if time presses, or if the weather is bad ; but it is more polite to ask for her, even if it is not her day. If it is her reception-day, it would be rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal visit. After a dinner, or a formal luncheon, one must pay a personal visit. These are called "visits of digestion," and a person who fails to pay them is thought to be lacking in courtesy, especially in the case of an invitation to dinner. It is not considered necessary to leave cards after a tea. A lady leaves her cards as she enters the hall, pays her visit, and the etiquette of a visiting acquaint- ance is thus established for a year. She should, how- ever, give a tea herself, asking all her entertainers, or she should call herself. We must here distinguish, however, between infor- mal teas and afternoon receptions — such as are given for a debutante. Hostesses usually expect that their guests will call, or at least leave cards, after a formal reception. 6 (HarliB anb (HslUb It is proper to call in person, or to leave a card, after an acquaintance has lost a relative, after an en- gagement is announced, after a marriage has taken place, and after a return from Europe; but, as society grows larger and larger, these visits may be omitted, and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits per- sonally. Most women in large cities are invisible ex- cept on their days; in this way alone can they hope to have any time for their own individual tastes, be these ^ what they naay — languages, literature, embroidery, or music. So the formal visiting gets to be a mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who suggested that there should be a "clearing-house for cards," and who hailed the Casino at Newport as a good in- stitution for the innovation, was not without genius. One dislikes to lose time in this world while oiUng the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory card -leaving is Uttle else. If a lady have a day, the call should be made on that day; it is rude to ignore the intimation. One should try to call on a reception-day. But here in a crowded city another complication comes in. If a lady have four Thursdays in January and several other ladies have Thursdays, it may be impossible to reach all those ladies on their reception-day. There is nothing for it, then, but to good-naturedly apologize, and to regret that calling hours are now reduced to between four and six in large cities. In smaller places, where people take their meals earlier, formal visits may be paid at three o'clock, or 7 MannsvB attb Mortal llaag^a even before that time in some localities. Where people have supper at six o'clock, as they do in villages, it is not proper to call so late as to interfere with the even- ing meal. Yoimg men should try to make time to call on those who entertain them, showing by some sort of person- al attention their gratitude for the politeness shown them. American young men are, as a rule, very re- miss about this matter of calling on the hostess whose hospitality they accept. Bachelors should leave cards on the master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young ladies. A gentleman in calling on a young lady should also ask for her mother or an elder member of the family. Nor should he leave cards for her alone, but always leave one for her mother. Husbands and wives rarely call together in America, although there is no law against their doing so. It is unusual, because we have no "leisure class." In suburban towns they sometimes pay friendly visits together in the evening or on Sunday afternoon. Gentlemen are privileged to call on Sunday, after church, and on Sunday afternoons, at the houses of those with whom they have a certain' degree of ac- quaintance. A mother and daughter should call to- gether, or, if the mother is an invalid, the daughter can call, leaving her mother's card. We may say that cards have changed less in the history of etiquette and fashion than anything else. 8 CarhB nnh CHallB They, the shifting pasteboards, are in style about what they were fifty — nay, a hundred — years ago. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script, old English, or block type, and his address well engraved in the comer, is in good taste. A lady's card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any way. Nothing is in worse taste than for an American to put a coat of arms on his card. It serves only to make him ridiculous. A young lady's card is smaller than that of her mother. Turning down the comers has gone entirely out of fashion in this country. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after any entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person, although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine member of the family. No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks or gives him leave to do so, or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or tmless he is taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call, "I hope that we shall see you," or, "I am at home on Monday," or something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate answer, and then to call after the entertainment. Those who are very punctilious also call and leave a card the day after receiving such an invitation. CHAPTER II THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING SERVANT must be taught to receive the cards at the door, remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a pri- vate house to write her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the first' card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a per- sonal visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the gentlemen of your family. A young lady's card should almost always be ac- companied by that of her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into society, that the name of the yoimg lady be engraved on her mother's card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her own glfg lEliqugltg of gaUiitg card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady leaves her card: if she is moth- erless, her name is engraved beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is left with both until she becomes a maiden lady of mattire age. The old fashion of having the names of both husband and wife engraved on one card, as "Mr. and Mrs. Brown," was revived a year or two ago, but has not met with much favor. The lady has also her own card, "Mrs. Octavius Brown," or with the addition, "The Misses Brown." Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save military, naval, or judicial ones, and those of physicians and clergymen. Indeed, many of our most distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name, without prefix or affix. "Mr. Webster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry Clay" are well-known instances of simplicity. But a woman must always ust the prefix "Mrs." or "Miss." No card is less proper than one which is boldly engraved "Gertrude F. Brown"; it should be "Miss Gertrude F. Brown." A gentleman uses the prefix "Mr." according to modern custom as we have just quoted. A married lady always bears her husband's name, during his fife, on her card. The question is occasion- ally raised as to whether she should continue to call herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or use her own name, Matttt^ra and Mortal WBU^ta "Mrs. Mary Brown," after his death. Many married ladies hesitate to discard the name by which they have always been known, hence it is usually retained. Where a married son bears his father's name, the widow of the latter puts "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Senior," on her cards, or sometimes "Mrs. Brown." A professional woman uses her title just as a man does, whether she is single or married. Thus, if she is a physician, "Dr. Maria Smith," would be engraved on her visiting- card; "Reverend Anna Jones," if she is a minister of the Gospel. No lady should leave cards upon an un- married gentleman. When paying the first call of the season, a married lady leaves one of her own cards and two of her hus- band's, the second of the latter being intended for the master of the house. She also leaves one card for each of her daughters, unless their names are engraved beneath her own. If there are young ladies in the family called upon, she would leave for them an ad- ditional card of her own, and also one more of her husband's and daughters'. TJnless her son prefers to attend to his social duties himself, she leaves the same number of cards for him that she does for her husband. This would insure his being included in any general invitations sent to the family. Cards should be left also for a married daughter living at home with her parents. It would be in bad taste, however, to leave more than a certain number — three for each visitor should suffice. Some elderly married ladies do not think it incumbent on them to 12 Wlfs ?Ettq«Ptt? nf (ttalltng leave a card of their own, or one of their husband's for the young daughters of the house. After the first call of the season, it is not necessary to leave the husband's card, iinless in acknowledgment of an invitation extended to him. According to pres- ent usage, a lady hands her card to the servant at the door, or lays it upon the hall-table, whenever she makes a formal call. Formerly it was the custom merely to send up one's name, but this is seldom done now, ex- cept in the case of a visit to a friend, or one on business. Thus, if two ladies are on the same committee, and obliged to meet constantly, it would obviously be im- necessary to leave a card every time either of them went to see the other. When the lady of the house is receiving, the caller leaves her card upon the hall-table (unless the servant has a salver in hand, ready to receive it) as a reminder to her hostess that she has paid the visit. Should the lady of the house open the door herself, the card must by no means be handed to her; it should be left as un- obtrusively as possible on the hall-table or elsewhere. In the country, or in an apartment-house in town, a visitor is often brought face to face in this way, with a lady whom she has never met before. She should in this case introduce herself, pronouncing her own name distinctly. When calling at an apartment-house, say to the bell-boy or other person in attendance, "Will you please take up my card, and find out whether Mrs. So-and-So will see me?" 13 MntmtVB anh Mortal llaag^a When a gentleman calls on ladies who are at home, if he knows them well he does not send up a card; the servant announces his name. If he does not know them well, he does send up a card. One card is suffi- cient, but he can inquire for them all. In leaving cards it is not necessary for him to leave seven or eight, but it is customary to leave two — one for the lady of the house, the other for the rest of the family or the stranger who is within their gates. After the first call of the season, a man need leave only one card, accord- ing to recent usage, unless he leaves a second for a guest staying in the house. This is because the second visit is usually in acknowledgment of an invitation from the hostess, hence one card is left for her. If a gentleman wishes particularly to call on any one mem- ber, he says so to the servant, as "Take my card up to Miss Jones," and he adds, "I shotild like to see all the ladies if they are at home." "Not at home" is a proper formula, if ladies are not receiving; nor does it involve a falsehood. It merely means that the lady is not at home to company. The servant should also add, "Mrs. Brown receives on Tuesdays," if the lady has a day. Were not ladies able to deny themselves to callers, there would be no time in crowded cities for any sort of work, or repose, or leisure for self-improvement. For, with the many idle people who seek to rid themselves of the pain and penalty of their own vapid society by calling and mak- ing somebody t ., .tertain them, with the wandering book-agents and beggars, or with even the overflow of 14 ^ift IttiquHU af (HulUn^ society, a lady wotold find her existence muddled away by the poorest and most abject of occupations — that, of receiving a number of inconsiderate, and perhaps impertinent, wasters of time. It is well for a housekeeper to devote one day in the week to the reception of visitors — ^the morning to those who may wish to see her on business, and the afternoon to those who call socially. It saves her time and simplifies matters. Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should ask the servant where her mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how soon she will Vje down, etc. All that a well-trained servant should say to such questions is, "I do not know, madam." A mistress should inform her servant after break- fast what she is to say to all comers. It is very offen- sive to a visitor to be let in, and then be told that she cannot see the lady of the house. She feels person- ally insulted, and as if, had she been some other per- son, the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her. If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of his mistress and her wishes, says, "I will see if Mrs. Brown will see you," and ushers you into the parlor, it is only proper to go in and wait. But it is always well to say, "If Mrs. Brown is going out, is dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to trouble herself to come down." Mrs. Brown will be very much obliged to you. In calling on a friend w^n 's staying with people with whom you are not" t.-^cfttainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. The lack of IS Mnnntr& anh ^nrial Usag^a this attention is severely felt by new people who may entertain a fashionable woman as their guest — one who receives many calls from those who do not know her hostess. It is never proper to call on a guest with- out asking for the hostess. Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, and the visitor decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar to make one's friend who may be a guest in the house a sort of entering wedge for an acquaintance; a card should be left, but unaccompanied by any request to see the lady of the house. This every lady will at once understand. A lady who has a guest staying with her who receives many calls should always try to place a parlor at her disposal, where she can see her friends alone, unless she be a very young person, to whom the chaperonage of the hostess is indispensable. If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room when the visitor arrives to call on- her guest, she is, of course, introduced and says a few words; and if she is not in the room, the guest should inquire of the visitor if the lady of the house will see him or her, thus giving her a chance to accept or decline. In calling on the sons or the daughters of the house, a gentleman shotild leave a card for the father and mother. If ladies are at home, cards should be left for the gentlemen of the family. In Europe a young man is not allowed to ask for the young ladies of the house in formal parlance, nor is he allowed to leave a card on them — socially in Europe the "jeune fille" has no existence. He calls i6 tSift lEtiquftt? nf (ttalling on the mother or chaperon; the young lady may be sent for, but he must not inquire for her first. Even if she is a young lady at the head of a house, he is not allowed to call upon her without some prelimina- ries; some amiable female friend must manage to bring them together. In America the other extreme has led to a careless system of etiquette, by which young ladies are rec- ognized as altogether leaders of society, receiving the guests and pushing their mothers into the background. No yovmg lady who is visiting in a strange city or coun- try town should ever receive the visits of gentlemen without asking the hostess and her daughters to come down and be introduced to them; nor should she ever invite such persons to call without asking her hostess if it would be agreeable. Too many young American girls are in the habit of making' of a friend's house a convenience by which an acquaintance with yoUng men may be carried on — yotmg men, too, perhaps, who have been forbidden to call on them in their own homes. A bride receives her callers after she has settled down in her married home just as any lady does. There is no particular etiquette observed. She sends out cards for two or three reception - days, and her friends and new acquaintances call or send cards on these days. She must not, however, call on her friends until they have called upon her. As many of these callers — friends, perhaps, of the bridegroom — are unknown to the bride, it is well to have a servant announce the names; and they should 17 Mnnntta and Mortal HaaQ^g also leave their cards in the hall that she may be able to know where to return the visits. For reception-days a lady wears an elaborate high- neck dress, taking care, however, never to be overdress- ed at home. She rises when her visitors enter, and is careful to seat her friends so that she can have a word with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one. She is to be forgiven if she pays more attention to the aged, to some distinguished stranger, or to some one who has the still higher claim of misfortune, or to one of a modest and shrinking temperament, than to one young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she neglects these fortunate visitors they will not feel it; if she bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays that she is a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her hostess, she should not fail to pronotince her own name. Many ladies send their cards to the young brides who have come into a friend's family, and yet who are without personal acquaint- ance. Many, alas! forget faces, so that a name quickly pronounced is a help. In the event of an exchange of calls between two ladies who have never met (and this has gone on for years in New York, sometimes until death has removed one forever), they should take an early opportunity of speaking to each other at some friend's house; the younger should approach the elder and introduce herself; it is always regarded as a kindness; or the one who has received the first attention should be the first to speak. i8 ®Ijj lEtiquiettf of Qlalling Strangers staying in town who wish to be called upon shoiild send their cards by post, with address attached, to those whom they would like to see. "P. p. c." or as it is sometimes written "P. P. C." (Pour prendre congS) cards are sent to one's circle of friends and acquaintance, when one is about to leave town for a long absence, or to remove to another city. The joint card of husband and wife, "Dr. and Mrs. J. B. Watson" is thus used, and can be sent in an en- velope by post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice against sending cards by post. In Europe it is always done, and it is much safer. Etiquette and hospitality have been reduced to a system in the Old World. It would be much more convenient could we do that here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which an acquaintance is kept up in a circle too large for social visiting; but every lady should try to make one or two informal calls each winter on intimate friends. These calls can be made in the morning in the plainest walking-dress, and are certainly the most agreeable and flattering of all visits. Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small par- ties may be added the day of reception. It is con- venient and proper to send these cards by post. CHAPTER III CARDS OF COURTESY DISTINGUISHED lady of New York, on re- covering from a severe illness, issued a card which is a new departure. In admiring its fitness and the need which has existed for just such a card, one wonders that no one has before invented something so compact and stately, pleasing and proper. It reads thus, en- graved in elegant script, plain and modest, "Mrs. presents her compliments and thanks for recent kind inquiries." This card, sent in an envelope, reached all those who had left cards and inquiries for a useful and eminent member of society, who lay for weeks trembling between life and death. This card is an attention to her large circle of anx- ious friends which only a kind-hearted woman would have thought of, and yet the thought was all; for after that the engraver and the secretary could do the rest, showing what a labor-saving invention it is to a busy woman who is not yet sufficiently strong to write notes to all who have felt for her severe suffering. The first thought in convalescence is of gratitude, and the second th3,t we have created an interest and compassion among 20 QIar&a of (HontUBij our friends, and that we were not alone as we struggled with disease. Therefore this card should become a fashion. It meets a universal want. This may be called one of the "cards of compU- ment" — a phase of card-leaving to which we have hardly reached in this country. It is even more, it is a heart-felt and friendly blossom of etiquette. Now as to the use of it by the afflicted: why would it not be well for persons who have lost a friend to have such a card engraved? "Mr. R begs to ex- press his thanks for your kind sympathy in his recent bereavement," etc. It is already becoming customary for them to write such a brief message on a card. Tho'se cards which we send by a servant to make the necessary inquiries for a sick friend, for the happy mother and the new-born baby, are essentially "cards of compliment." In excessively ceremonious circles the visits of ceremony on these occasions are very elaborate, as at the Court of Spain, for instance; and a lady of New York was once much amused at receiv- ing the card of a superb Spanish official, who called on her newly arrived daughter when the latter was three days old, leaving a card for the "new daughter." He of course left a card for the happy mamma, and did not ask to go farther than the door, but he came in state. For the purpose of returning thanks, printed cards are used with the owner's name written above the printed words. These cards are generally sent by post, as they are despatched while the person inquired after Mnntttrs nnh §>atinl T&Bn^^ta is still an invalid. These cards are also used to con- vey the intelligence of the sender's recovery. There- fore they would not be sent while the person was in danger or seriously ill. But this has always seemed to us a very poor and business-like way of returning "kind inquiries." The printed card looks cheap. Far better the engraved and carefully prepared card of Mrs. , which has the effect of a personal compliment. We do not in this country send those hideous funeral or memorial cards which are sold in England at every stationer's to apprise one's friends of a death in the family. There is no need of this, as the newspapers spread the sad intelligence. There is, however, a very elaborate paper called a "faire part," issued in both England and France after a death, in which the mourner announces to you the lamented decease of some person connected with him. Also, on the occasion of a marriage, these elaborate papers, engraved on a large sheet of letter-paper, are sent to all one's acquaintances in England and on the Continent. It is a convenience, although not a universal cus- tom, to have the joint names of husband and wife, as "Dr. and Mrs. James Brown Wats.on," printed on one card, to use as a card of condolence or congratulation. Cards of condolence can be left the week after the event which occasions them. In large cities personal visits are only made by relatives or very intimate friends who will of course be their own judges of the propriety Cttarba af Cdnurt^aa of speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the house. The cards are left at the door by the caller in- qtiiring for the afflicted persons, and one card is as good as half a dozen. It is not necessary to deluge a mourn- ing family with cards. They may be inscribed "With sincere sjTnpathy," or a similar brief message, and are sometimes sent by mail. Cards of condolence must be acknowledged by a mourning-card sent in an envelope at such reasonable time after the death of a relative as one can determine again to take up the business of society. Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if the ladies are at home the visitor should go in, and be cordial in the expression of his or her good wishes. For such visits a card sent by post would, among in- timate friends, be considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left in person. Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be for- warded to those who have sent invitations to wed- dings, careftilly addressed to the person who invites you; also after an entertainment to which you have been asked. As we have already said, a dinner call should be made in person and within a week, or at furthest a fortnight, on the lady's "day," if she has one. Only calls of pure ceremony are made by hand- ing in cards, as at a tea or general reception, etc. Where one is invited to a series of receptions, it is only necessary to leave cards once, although it is per- missible to go a second time. Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compliment 23 Mnnntva unh Bat'xnl T&su^ta should be those calls made to formally announce a be- trothal. The parents leave the cards of the betrothed pair, with their own, on all the connections and friends of the two families. This is a formal announcement, and all who receive this intimation should make a con- gratulatory visit if possible. As young people are often asked without their par- ents, the question arises. What should the parents do to show their sense of this attention? They should leave or send their cards with those of their children who have received the invitation. These are cards of courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of a family without also including the parents in cour- teous formality. Cards left on a reception-day where a person is visiting are not binding on the visitor to return. No separate card is left on a guest on recep- tion-days unless one is especially invited to meet her. When returning visits of ceremony, as the first visit after a letter of introduction, or as announcing your arrival in town, or your intended departure, one may leave a card at the door without inquiring for the lady. Attention to these little things is a proof at once of self-respect and of respect for one's friends. They soon become easy matters of habit and of memory. To the well-bred they are second nature. No one who is desirous of pleasing in society should neglect them. A lady should never call on a gentleman unless pro- fessionally in business hours and at his office. She should knock at his door, send in her card, and be as ceremonious as possible. Such a visit should be brief. 24 QIarbH 0f (HarxrUB^ A courteous man dislikes to dismiss a feminine client or patient if he can avoid doing so, and she must not take advantage of her sex to waste another person's valuable time. If it is necessary for a young woman to call upon a young or single man in this way, she should be accompanied by a friend, or by an older woman. This may not be possible if she herself is a business woman. A qtiiet and dignified manner and the absence of all coquetry must be her protection. On entering a crowded drawing-room it may be im- possible to find the hostess at once, so that in many fine houses in New York and elsewhere the custom of announcing the name has become a necessary fashion. It is impossible to attempt to be polite without cul- tivating a good memory. The absent or self-absorbed person who forgets names and faces, who recalls tm- lucky topics, confuses relationships, speaks of the dead as if they were living, or talks about an unlucky ad- venture in the family, who plunges into personalities, who metaphorically treads on a person's toes, will never succeed in society. He must consider his "cards of courtesy." The French talk of "la politesse du foyer." They are full of it. Small sacrifices, little courtesies, a kind- ly spirit, insignificant attentions, self-control, an allow- ance for the failings of others — these go to make up the elegance of life. True courtesy has very deep roots. We should not cultivate politeness merely from a wish to please, but because we would consider the feelings and spare the time of others. Cards of com- 25 Muntxtva nnh Batinl Hatt^^a pliment and courtesy, therefore, save time as well as express a kindly remembrance. Everything in our busy world — or "whirl," as some people call it — ^that does these two things is a valuable discovery. A card is always sent with flowers, books, bonbon- niferes, game, sweetmeats, fruits — any of the small gifts which are freely offered among intimate friends. But in acknowledging these gifts or attentions a card is not a sufficient return. Nor is it proper to write "regrets" or "accepts" on a card. A note should be written in either case. The ceremony of paying visits and of leaving cards has been decided by the satinst to be meaningless and useless; but it underlies the very structure of so- ciety. Visits of form, visits of ceremony are abso- lutely necessary. You can hardly invite people to yoiu" house until you have called and have left a card. And thus one has a safeguard against intrusive and undesirable acquaintances. To stop an acquaintance, one has but to stop leaving cards. It is thus done quietly but securely. Gentlemen who have no time to call should be repre- sented by their cards. These may well be trusted to the hands of wife, mother, daughter, sister, but should be punctiliously left. The card may well be noted as belonging only to a high order of development. It is the tool of civiliza- tion, its "field-mark and device." It may be im- proved; it may be, and has been, abused; but it cannot be dispensed with under our present envi- 26 fflarjba nf Qlnurt^ag ronment. Of course, there are diflEerences of opinion as to the size and shape of cards, when they should be left, and so on, but the general and inherent principles of good etiquette are all mentioned in these chapters. CHAPTER IV INTRODUCTIONS HE English have a very sensible rule — that the "roof is an introduction," and that vis- itors can converse together without further notice — a rule which is not generally under- stood in our own country. So unfamiliar are Americans with it, that even in very good houses one lady has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl, and has received no answer, "because she had not been introduced"; but this state of ignorance is, fortunately, not very common. It should be met by the surprised rejoinder of the Hoosier school-mistress, "Don't yer know enough to speak when yer spoken to?" Let every woman remember, whether she is from the country or from the most fashionable city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt her. It does not involve the further acquaintance of these two persons. They may cease to know each other when they go down the front steps ; and it would be kinder if they would both relieve the lady of the house of their joint entertainment by joining in the general conversation, or even speaking to each other. A hostess in this land is sometimes young, embar- 28 Sntttthtxttians rassed, and not fluent. The presence of two ladies with whom she is not very well acquainted herself, and both of whom she must entertain, presents a fearful dilemma. It is a kindness to her, which should out- weigh the dangers of making an acquaintance in "an- other set," if those ladies converse a little with each other. The question may be asked. Should she introduce these ladies to each other? In our opinion she should, especially if the situation threatens to become awk- ward. There is a difference of opinion on this subject, how- ever. Some people who are fond of following foreign customs do not introduce their guests. An old and well-known rule forbids the introduction of two ladies living in the same town, without the permission of both. The still older rule of hospitality, however, prescribes that a hostess shall put her guests at their ease. Hence the majority of our people still refuse to follow the foreign custom, and many ladies belonging to our best and oldest families adhere to the old American custom and introduce their guests where occasion requires it. They do this with discretion, however, and avoid for- mally presenting two fellow -towns women, to one or both of whom the acquaintance might be distasteful. The difference should here be noted between a formal and a casual introduction. The latter is made to save awkwardness, and need not entail further acquaint- ance. The former is made with deliberate purpose, as when one person is brought up to another. 29 MunnttB nnh ^atinl laaj^a If one lady desires to be introduced to another, the hostess should ask if she may do so, of course unob- trusively. Sometimes this places one lady in an un- fortunate position towards another. She does not know exactly what to do. Mrs. So-and-so may have the gift of exclusiveness, and may desire that Mrs. That- and-that shall not have the privilege of bowing to her. Gurowski says, in his very clever book on Amer- ica, that snobbishness is a peculiarity of the fashion- able set in America, because they do not know where they stand. It is the peculiarity of vulgar people everywhere, whether they sit on thrones or keep shops; snobs are born — not made. If, however, a woman has this gift or this drawback of exclusive- ness, it is wrong to invade her privacy by introducing people to her. Introducing should not be indiscriminately done either at home or in society by any lady, however kind-hearted. Her own position must be maintained, and that may demand a certain loyalty to her own set. She must be careful how she lets loose on society an undesirable or aggressive man, for instance, or a great bore, or a vulgar, irritating woman. These will all be social obstacles to the yoimg ladies of her family, whom she must first consider. She must not add to the embarrassments of a lady who has already too large a visiting - list. Unsolicited introductions are bad for both persons. Some large-hearted women of society are too generous by half in this way. A lady should by adroit questions find out how a new 30 JlntrobuctinttB acquaintance wotild be received, whether or not it is the desire of both women to know each other; for, if there is the shghtest doubt existing on this point, she will be blamed by both. It is often the good- natured desire of a sjrmpathetic person that the people whom she knows well should know each other. She therefore strives to bring them together at lunch or dinner, but perhaps finds out afterwards that one of the ladies has particular objections to knowing the other, and she is not thanked. The disaffected guest shows her displeasure by being impolite to the pushing one, as she may consider her. Had no intro- duction taken place, she argues, she might have still enjoyed a reputation for courtesy. Wary women of the world are therefore very shy of introducing two women to each other. This is the awkward side. The more agreeable and, we may say, htmiane side has its thousands and thousands of supporters, who believe that a friendly introduction hurts no one. Society is such a compUcated organization, and its laws are so lamentably unwritten, yet so deeply en- graved on certain minds, that these things become im- portant to those who are always winding and unwind- ing the chains of fashion. It is therefore well to state it as a received rule that no gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady unless her permission has been asked and she be given an opportunity to refuse; and that no woman should be introduced formally to another unless the intro- 31 ilaittt^ra anJi ^nrtal Haag^a ducer has consulted the wishes of both women. No delicate - minded person would ever intrude herself upon the notice of a person to whom she had been casually introduced in a friend's drawing-room; but all the world, unfortunately, is not made up of deli- cate-minded persons. In making an introduction, the gentleman is pre- sented to the lady with some such informal speech as this: "Mrs. A, allow me to present Mr. B"; or, "Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the honor of knowing you." In introducing two women, present the younger to the older, the question of rank not holding good in our society where the position of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or president' even, does not give his wife fashipnable position. She may be of far less im- portance in the great world of society than some Mrs. Smith, who, having nothing else, is set down as of the highest rank in that unpublished but well-known book of heraldry which is so thoroughly xonderstood in America as a tradition. It is the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there are few occasions when this request is refused. In our crowded ball- rooms, chaperons often ask young men if they will be introduced to their charges. It is better before ask- ing the young men of this present luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, but if they propose to dance, with the young lady, else that young person may be mortified by a snub. It is painful to record, as we must, that the age of chivalry is past, and that 32 3(tttrnI»MrtinnB at a gay ball young men appear supremely selfish, and desire generally only introductions to the reign- ing belle, or to an heiress, not deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who is neither, but whose woman- hood should command respect. Ballroom introduc- tions are supposed to mean, on the part of the gentle- man, either an intention to dance with the young lady, to walk with her, to talk to her through one dance, or to show her some other attention. Men rarely ask to be introduced to each other, but if a lady, through some desire of her own, wishes to present them, she should never be met by in- difference on their part. Men have a right to be exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course; but at a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should never openly show distaste for each other's society before her. In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and most women, if desirous of being cordial, extend their hands even on a first introduction; but it is, perhaps, more elegant to make a bow only at a first introduc- tion. In her own house a hostess should always extend her hand to a person brought to her by a mutual friend, and introduced for the first time. Indeed, in the opinion of most persons, a hostess should shake hands with all guests in her own house. At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, the hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to take her down to the dining-room, but makes no fur- MntxntvB unit Batiui laagta ther introductions, except in the case of a distinguished stranger, to whom all the company are introduced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of speaking, but they should not be, for the room where they meet is a sufficient guarantee that they can converse without any loss of dignity. At large gatherings in the country it is proper for the lady to introduce her guests to each other, and it is perfectly proper to do this without asking permission of either party. A mother always introduces her son or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her hus- band, without asking permission. A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must wait for her to bow first before he ventures to claim her as an acquaintance. This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent, however, the gentleman bows first. There the matter of the raising the hat is also important. An Ameri- can gentleman takes his hat quite off to a lady; a foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a def- erential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, and just introduced, a very formal bow is all that is proper; acquaintances and friends bow and smile; intimate male friends simply nod, but all gentlemen with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady recog- nizes a friend. Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on the lawn-tennis ground, in the hunting -field, in the street, or in any casual way, are not to be taken as necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses so to con- 34 3tttrnJ>«rtintta sider them. The same may be said of introductions at a watering-place, where a group of ladies walking together may meet other ladies or gentlemen, and join forces for a walk or drive. Introductions are needful, and should be made by the oldest lady of the party, but are not to be considered as making an acquaint- ance necessary between the persons if neither should afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now that this sort of casual introduction does not involve either lady in the net-work of a future acquaintance; nor need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not choose to do so, after a watering-place introduction. It is always, however, more polite to bow; that civil- ity hurts no one. There are in our new country many women who consider themselves fashionable leaders — members of an exclusive set — and who fear if they should know some other women out of that set that they would im- peril their social standing. These people have no titles by which they can be known, so they preserve their exclusiveness by disagreeable manners, as one would hedge a garden by a border of prickly-pear. The result is that much ill-feeling is engendered in society, and people whom these old aristocrats call the "nou- veaux riches," "parvenus," etc., are always having their feelings hurt. The fact remains that the best- bred and most truly aristocratic people do not find it necessary to hurt any one's feelings. An introduction never harms anybody, and a woman with the slight- est tact can keep off a vulgar and a pushing person 35 Munntrs and 00ctal llaag^a without being rude. It is to be feared that there are vulgar natures among those who aspire to be con- sidered exclusive, and that they are gratified if they can presumably increase their own importance by seeming excluave; but it is not necessary to dwell on such people. The place given here to the ill-bred is only con- ceded to them that one may reaUze the great demands made upon the tact and the good feeling of a hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she may and will remember, however, that it is very easily for- given, this kind-heartedness — ^that it is better to sin against etiquette than to do an unkind thing. Great pains should be taken by a hostess to introduce shy people and young people who know few of the persons present. It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to say something which may break the ice, and make the conversation easy and agreeable; as, for instance, "Mrs. Smith, allow me to present Mr. Brown, who has just arrived from New Zealand"; or, "Mrs. Jones, allow me to present Mrs. Walsingham, of Washington — or San Francisco," so that the two may naturally have a question and answer ready with which to step over the threshold of conversation with- out tripping. At a five-o'clock tea or a large reception there are reasons why a lady cannot introduce any one but the daughter or sister whom she has in charge. A lady who comes and knows no one sometimes goes away feeling that her hostess has been inattentive, because 36 3ntrob«rtin«0 no one has spoken to her. She remembers Europe, where the roof -tree is an introduction, and where people spoke kindly to her, and did not pass her by. Dinner- parties in stifE and formal London have this great at- traction; a gentleman steps up and speaks to a lady, although they have never met before, and often takes her down to dinner without an introduction. The women chat after dinner like old friends; every one knows that the roof is a sufficient guarantee. We hold it proper, all things considered, that at dinner-parties and receptions a hostess may introduce her friends to each other. So long as there is em- barrassment, and the restdt be stupidity and gloom, and a party silent and thumb-twisting, instead of gayly conversing, as it should be; so long as people do not come together easily — ^it is manifestly proper that the hostess should put her finger on the social pendu- lum, and give it a swing to start the conversational clock. All well-bred people recognize the propriety of speaking to even an enemy at a dinner-party, al- though they would suffer no recognition two hours later. The same principle holds good, of course, if, in the true exercise of her hospitality, the hostess should introduce some person whom she would like to com- mend. These are the exceptions which prove the rule. Care should be taken in presenting foreigners to young ladies; sometimes titles are dubious. Here a hostess is to be forgiven if she positively declines. She may say, politely: "I hardly think I know you well enough to present you to that young lady. You 4 37 MunntvB ntth Mortal 'ManQta must wait until her parents (or guardians) will present you." But the numbers of agreeable people who are ready and waiting to be introduced are many. The woman of literary distinction and the possessor of an honored name may be invincibly shy and afraid to speak; while her next neighbor, knowing her fame perhaps, and anxious to make her acquaintance, misconstrues shyness for pride — ^a masquerade which bashfulness sometimes plays; so two persons, with volumes to say to each other, remain silent as fishes, until the kind- ly magician comes along, and, by the open sesame of an introduction, unlocks the treasure which has been so deftly hidden. A woman of fashion may enter an assembly of thinkers and find herself dreaded and shunned, imtil some kind word creates a cordial under- standing. In the social entertainments of New York, the majority prefer those where the hostess introduces her guests — under, of course, these wise and proper limitations. As for forms of introductions, the simplest are best. A lady should introduce her husband as "Mr. Brown," "General Brown," "Judge Brown." If he has a title she is always to give it to him. Oiir simple forms of titular respect have been condemned abroad, and we are accused of being all "colonels" and "generals"; but a wife should still give her husband his title. In addressing the President we say "Mr. President," but his wife would speak of him as the President. The modesty of Mrs. Grant, however, never allowed her 38 JlntroJiutttana to call her many -titled husband anything but "Mr. Grant," which had, in her case, a sweetness above all etiquette. Introductions in the homely German fatherland are universal, everybody pronotmcing to everybody else the name of the lady to whom he is talking ; and among our German fellow-citizens we often see a gentleman convoying a lady through a crowded assemblage, in- troducing her to everybody. It is a simple, cordial, and pleasant thing enough, as with them the acquaint- ance stops there. If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the introduction. Our American women are sometimes a little lacking in cordiaUty of manner, often receiv- ing a new acquaintance with what is sometimes re- ferred to as the "cold shoulder." A brusque dis- courtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse, and an overwhelming and patron- izing manner is atrocious. The proper salutation lies just between the two extremes: "the happy meditmi" is the proper thing always. In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for an introduction, we must still beware of "push." There are instincts in the hum- blest understanding which will tell us where to draw the line. If a person is socially more prominent than owrselves, or more distinguished in any way, we should 39 ManntVB nnh S'tttiui %BUQta not be violently anxious to take the first step; we shotild wait tmtil some happy chance has brought us together, for we must be as firm in our self-respect as our neighbor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth has heretofore had very little power to give a person an exclusively fashionable position. Character, breed- ing, culture, good connections — all must help. An aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and hon- ored name which has never been tarnished is a power in the newest society as in the oldest ; but it is a shad- owy power, felt rather than described. Education is always a power. To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of what is known as the "fashionable set," formed of people willing to spend money; who make a sort of alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give balls and parties and keep certain people out; who have the place which many covet ; who are too much feared and dreaded. If those who desire an introduction to this set strive for it too much, they will be sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by snubbing. If such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the whole auto- cratic set of ladies will disband — for such sets dis- entangle easily — or else they in their turn may come knocking at the door and ask to be received. The art of entertaining is not acquired in an hour. It takes many years for a new and an uninstructed set to sur- motint all the little awkwardnesses, the dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle of the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, a 40 Jntrnhurtintta civility which is not servile, will be a good introduc- tion into any society. And it is well to have that philosophical spirit which puts the best possible interpretation upon the con- duct of others. Be not in haste to consider yourself neglected. Self-respect does not easily receive an in- sult. A lady who is fully aware of her own respectabil- ity, who has always lived in the best society, is never afraid to bow or call first, or to introduce the people whom she may desire should know each other. She per- haps presumes on her position; but it is very rarely that such a person offends, for tact is almost always the concomitant of social success. A letter of introduction should receive all the atten- tion possible. In England it always means an in- vitation to dinner. In America it does not always receive the attention it deserves. The master and mistress of a house receiving such a letter should im- mediately call on the persons who present it, and should, if possible, invite them to their house. Since a letter of introduction entails on the person to whom it is addressed the duty of offering hospitaUty to the lady or gentleman presenting it, such a letter should only be written by one who has herself entertained her cor- respondent. Some people, not understanding this nale, give letters of introduction to be presented to English men and women who have been kind to them, but to whom they have made no return in kind. Our British brethren are justly indignant at this thoughtless be- 41 tanttfra anh hartal 3laag?0 havior, which tends to involve them in an endless chain of unrequited hospitality. For the same reason, one should be very careful about asking for letters of in- troduction, and one should never press the claim, as the person asked might be unable to grant the request without overdrawing her social credit, so to speak. Americans Uving abroad are often overwhelmed with such letters sent them by unthinking friends in the United States. CHAPTER V INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS HE engraving of invitation - cards has be- come the important function of more than one enterprising firm in every city, so that it seems unnecessary to say more than that the most plain and simple style of engraving the necessary words is all that is requisite. The English ambassador at Rome had a plain, stiflE, unglazed card of a large size, on which was engraved: Sir Augustus and Lady Paget request the pleasure of company on Thursday evening, November the fifteenth, at ten o'clock The favor of an answer is requested The lady of the house writes the name of the in- vited guest in the blank space left before the word "company." Many entertainers in America keep these blanks, or half-engraved invitations, always on hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing the whole card. Sometimes, however, women prefer to write their own dinner invitations. The formula should always be: 43 MunmvB attft Mortal iHaggfl Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Jones's company at dinner on Thursday, November the fifteenth, at eight o'clock 132 Blank Street, West These invitations should be immediately answered, and with a positive acceptance or a regret. Never enter into any discussion or prevision with a dinner invitation. Never write, saying, "I will come if I do not have to leave town," or that you will "try to come," or, if you are a married pair, that "one of us will come." Your hostess wants to know exactly who is coming and who isn't, that she may arrange her table accordingly. Simply say: Mr. and Mrs. James Jones accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs, Henry Brown for dinner on November the fifteenth at eight o'clock Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the same informal manner, but quickly and decisively. The phrase "presents his (or her) compliments" is no longer used in replying to an invitation. After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness or any other cause interfere with your going to the dinner, send an immediate note to your hostess, that she may fill your place. Never selfishly keep the place open for yourself if there is a doubt about your going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of 44 3nttttattona anh Anatttfra a dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest to send in time to her hostess her regrets, caused by the ilhiess of her child, or the coming on of a cold, or a death in the family, or any other calamity. Re- member always that a dinner is a most formal affair, that it is the highest social compliment, that its hap- py fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the hostess, and that it must be met in the same formal spirit. It precludes, on her part, the necessity of hav- ing to make a first call, if she be the older resident, although she generally calls first. Some young neo- phytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where the elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose her visiting-card, asked if they should call afterwards. Of course they were bound to do so, although their hostess should have called or enclosed her card. How- ever, one invitation to dinner is better than many cards as a social compliment. T/e have been asked by many, "To whom should the answer to an invitation be addressed.?" If Mr. and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer Mr. and Mrs. Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding, answer Mrs. John Jones. It is thought better form, however, to address the envelope to the hostess only. Another of our correspondents asks, "Shall I respond to the lady of the house or to the bride if asked to a wedding?" This seems so impossible a confusion that we should not think of mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in answering such an invitation ; the answer 45 Munntrn and Mortal "^au^ts is to be sent to the hostess, who writes. In the same way cards in acknowledgment of a wedding invitation or announcement are sent to her and not to the bride. Always carefully observe the formula of your in- vitation, and answer it exactly. As to the card of the English ambassador, an English gentleman would write, "Mr. Algernon Gracie will do himself the honor^to ac- cept the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget." In America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, "Mr. Algernon Gracie has much pleasure in accepting the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown." We notice that on English cards the "R.S.V.P." is omitted, and that a plain line of English script is en- graved, saying, "The favor of an answer is requested." In this country the invitations to a dinner are al- ways in the name of both host and hostess, but invita- tions to a ball, a dance, a tea, or a garden-party are in the name of the hostess alone. At a wedding and at an evening reception the names of both host and hostess are given. If a father entertains for his daugh- ters, he being a widower, his name appears alone for her wedding; but if his eldest daughter presides over his household, his and her name appear together for dinners, receptions, and "at homes." Many widowed fathers, however, omit the names of their daughters on the invitation. A young lady at the head of her father's house may, if she is no longer very young, is- sue her own cards for a tea. It is never proper for very young ladies to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the house, call on them, or to come to 46 3ttttttattnnH nnh Anamtra dinner. The invitation must come from the- father, mother, or chaperon; or a young lady may say, "I write in my mother's name to ask if you will give us the pleasure of seeing you at dinner, etc." At an Assembly, Charity ball, or any public afEair, the word "ball"* is used, but no lady invites you to a "ball" at her own house. The words "At Home," with "Cotillon" or "Dancing" in one comer, and the hour and date, alone are necessary. The following form is now more in favor: Mrs. Thomas Jones requests the pleasure of company on Thursday evening January the tenth at ten o'clock JO Fifth Avenue Dancing Officers of the army and navy giving a ball, members of the hunt, bachelors, members of a club, heads of committees, always "request the pleasure" or "the honor of your company." It is not proper for a gen- tleman to describe himself as "at home"; he must "request the pleasure." A rich bachelor of Utopia who gave many entertainments made this mistake, and sent a card — "Mr. Horatio Brown. At Home. Tues- day, November fourteenth. Tea at four" — to a lady who had been an ambassadress. She immediately re- plied, "Mrs. Rousby is very glad to hear that Mr. Horatio Brown is at home — she hopes that he will stay 47 MnnnttB unh Mortal iHag^a there; but of what possible consequence is that to Mrs. Rousby?" This was a severe bit of wit, but it told the young man of his mistake. Another card, issued with the singular formula, "Mrs. Ferguson hopes to see Mrs. Rousby at the church," on the occasion of the wedding of a daughter, brought forth the rebuke, "Nothing is so deceitful as human hope." The phrase is an improper one. Mrs. Ferguson should have "re- quested the pleasure." In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends, ladies must be cautious not to intrude too far or to feel offended if refused. Often a hostess has a larger list than she can use, and she is not able to ask all whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a very great discretion is to be observed on the part of those who ask a favor. A lady may always request an in- vitation for distingxushed strangers, or for a young dancing man, if she can answer for him in every way, but rarely for a married couple, and hardly ever for a couple living in the same city, unless newly arrived. Invitations to evening or day receptions are gener- ally "At Home" cards. For an afternoon tea or re- ception, given to introduce a daughter or a niece to society, the following formula may be used: Mrs. John Sargent Gibbs Miss Gibbs At Home' on Friday, February the seventh from four until seven o'clock 6 Riverside Drive 48 3lnttttatt0ttsi anb An0iupr0 The words "At Home" are often omitted where the reception or tea is informal. A lady may use her own visiting-cards for five-o'clock teas. When she intends to receive on several days in a month, she has the dates engraved on her visiting-card, or she may write them in. For other entertainments, "Music," "Bridge Whist," "Garden-party," or "Readings and Recitals" may be engraved in one comer or written in by the lady her- self. Two sets of invitations are usually issued for a dinner dance. An "At Home" card, with "Dan- cing at eleven" in the lower left-hand comer, is sent to those who are not invited to dinner. Those who are receive either a note or an engraved dinner- card with the formula "Dancing at eleven" in the comer. As for wedding invitations, they are almost invari- ably sent out by the parents of the bride, engraved in small script on note-paper. The style can always be obtained of a fashionable engraver. They should be sent out from two to four weeks before the wedding- day, and need not be answered unless the guests are requested to attend a "sit-down" breakfast, when the answer must be as explicit as to a dinner. In- vitations to a wedding in the cotmtry require an an- swer, when a special train or a special car is to be provided, since the host needs to know how many persons will avail themselves of these facilities. A card, to be used instead of a ticket, is enclosed with the invitation, and sent to friends living at a dis- tance. The form of card follows: 49 tanttpra anJ» Batxul llaag^a A special train will leave the Grand Central Station, New York, on the New York Central Railroad, June fourteenth at eleven o'clock, and returning will leave Tarrytown at three o'clock. Please present this card to the gateman and to the conductor. Those who cannot be present send or leave their visiting-cards either on the day of the wedding or soon after. Persons living at a distance acknowledge the invitation by sending cards through the mail, in or- der that their hosts may know it has been received. While some authorities hold that such an acknowl- edgment is unnecessary where one is invited to the church only, it must be remembered that cards thus sent take the place of the call which distance forbids. Hence it is courteous to send them. Invitations to a luncheon are generally written by the hostess on note- paper, and should be rather informal, as luncheon is an informal meal. However, nowadays ladies' lunch- eons have become such grand, consequential, and ex- pensive affairs that invitations are sometimes en- graved and sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered immediately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner observed at these formal luncheons. There is such a thing, however, as a "stand-up" luncheon — a sort of reception with banquet, from which one could absent one's self without being missed. Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a feature SO Jnttttattntta unh AnHmjra of a well-bred character, in society as well as*in busi- ness, and it cannot be too thoroughly insisted upon. In sending a "regret" be particular to word your note most respectfully. Never write the word ' ' regrets ' ' on your card unless you wish to insult your hostess. No such words as "accepts" "declines" or "regrets" should be written on a card. Send one without any pencilling upon it in acknowledgment of an invitation to a wedding at church, or to an afternoon reception. For a musical, or other occasion, where the hostess may wish to know how many persons will attend, write a note, thus: "Mrs. Brown regrets that a previous en- gagement must deprive her of the pleasure of accept- ing the kind invitation of Mrs. Jones." No one should, in the matter of accepting or refus- ing an invitation, economize his politeness. It is bet- ter to err on the other side. Your friend has done her best in inviting you. The question is often asked us, "Should invitations be sent to persons in mourning?" Of course they should. No one would knowingly intrude on a house in which there has been a death, within a month; but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is one which must be paid; it is a part of the machinery of society. As invitations are now directed by the hundreds by hired amanuenses, a lady should careful- ly revise her Ust, in order that no names of persons deceased may be written on her cards; but the mem- bers of the family who remain, and who have suffered a loss, should be carefully remembered, and they SI tatttt^ra anJi §nrtal laagiea should not be pained by seeing the name of one who has departed, included in the invitations or wedding- cards. Persons in deep mourning are not invited to dinners or luncheons, but for weddings and large en- tertainments cards are sent as a token of remembrance and compliment. After a year of mourning the be- reaved family should send out cards with a narrow black edge to all who have remembered them. It is no longer customary to address an invitation to the "Messrs. Greene." Each son should receive a separate card or note. It is proper to address an in- vitation for two or more sisters to "The Misses " The telephone is now so much used to give invitations among intimate friends, and especially by young people, that it has become a social necessity. It is well to fol- low up such an invitation by a note, where time per- mits, not only because this is more courteous, but also because it prevents any misunderstanding as to the hour and day. It is now considered entirely proper to send by mail all invitations except those for a dinner, which are still sent by private messenger in some localities, the an- swer being returned in the same way, if possible. In- vitations for weddings and other ceremonious functions are usually enclosed in two envelopes, the inner one being left unsealed, and bearing only the name of the person invited, without the address. CHAPTER VI BRIDES AND WEDDINGS CARCELY a week passes during the year that the fashionable journals do not pub- lish "answers to correspondents" on that subject of all others most interesting to yoxong ladies, the etiquette of weddings. No book can tell the plain truth with suf- ficient emphasis, that the etiquette at a grand wed- ding is always the same. The next day some one writes to a newspaper again: "Shall the bridegroom wear a dress-coat at the hour of II A.M.?" The wedding of to-day in England has "set the fashion" for America. No man ever puts on "evening dress" until dressing for his seven-o'clock dinner, therefore every bridegroom wears a frock-coat and trousers of any pattern he pleases ; in other words, he wears a formal morning (or, as it is sometimes called, afternoon) dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the arrival of the bride in the vestry- room. He may wear gloves or not as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, as we have said, follows him to the altar, where they both s S3 tanntra anJ» Mortal llaag^a await the coming of the bride. He then stands at the right hand of the groom, a Httle behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service. He has charge, also, of the wedding-ring, which he gives to his friend at the proper moment. He signs the register as wit- ness, pays the clergyman's fee, follows the bridal pro- cession out of the church, joining the party at the house, and then assists the ushers to introduce the friends to the bridal pair. The bridegroom is allowed to make what present he pleases to the bride, and to send something in the nature of a fan, a lace-pin, pendant, or other trifle to the bridesmaids; he has also to buy the wedding- ring, and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride and to the bridesmaids; but he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding-breakfast; this is all done by the bride's family. Admission to the church is usually by card, where there is danger that the edifice will be overcrowded. The ushers are on hand early and escort the guests to their seats. Formerly an usher offered his arm to a lady; now he often does not, but precedes her down the aisle. The front seats are reserved for the rel- atives and intimate friends, and the head usher has a paper on which are written the names of people en- titled to these. The seats thus reserved have a white ribbon as a line of demarcation. It is thought more courteous to tie it in a bow or festoon, rather than to fasten it across the aisle, thus making a barrier. 54 IBrt&fa attb UfhiHttga The bride, meantime, is dressed in gorgeous array, generally in white satin, with veil of point-lace or tulle and orange-blossoms, and is driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her away. Her mother and other relatives, having preceded her, take the front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await her in the vestibule of the church. The ushers then proceed to form the procession with which almost all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty children — bridesmaids un- der ten; and then the bride, leaning on her father's right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede the others. As the wedding-party reaches the lowest altar-step the ushers break ranks and go to the right and left; the bridesmaids also separate, going to the right and left, leaving a space for the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the bridegroom ad- vances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman, being already in his place, signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds to make the twain one. The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are immediately conducted to the carriage and driven home; the rest follow. In some cases, but rarely in this country, a bridal register is signed in the vestry. Formerly brides removed the whole glova; now they adroitly rip the finger of the left-hand glove, so that they can remove that without pulling off the whole glove for the ring. Such is a church wedding, SS ManniVB nnh Batxui 3lBaggfl performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals forth the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces the necessary vows to slow music, or not, as the con- tracting parties please. Music, however, adds very much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home, the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and face him. A pair of hassocks should be arranged for them to kneel upon, and the father should be near to allow the clerg5rman to see him when he asks for his authority. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded pair receive congratulations. An attempt has been made in America to introduce the English fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is not as yet acclimated, but it is, perhaps, well to de- scribe here the proper etiquette. The gentlemen and ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be ap- prised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and should accept or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner, and seats are, of course, very important. On arriving at the house where the break- fast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. Af- ter greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father and mother, the company converse for a few moments until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and groom go first, followed by the bride's father with the groom's mother, then the groom's father with the bride's mother, then the best man with the first S6 ^rtb^B nnh WthhxnQA bridesmaid, then the bridesmaids with ushers, who have been invited for this honor, and then the other invited guests, as the bride's mother has arranged. Bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices, jellies, etc., are served at this break- fast, together with champagne and other wines, and finally the wedding-cake is set before the bride, and she cuts a slice. Coffee is served last. The health of the bride and groom is then proposed by the gentleman chosen for this office, generally the father of the groom, and responded to by the father of the bride. The groom is sometimes expected to respond, and he proposes the health of the brides- maids, for which the best man rettuns thanks. Unless all are unusually happy speakers, this is apt to be awk- ward, and "stand-up" breakfasts are far more com- monly served, as the French say, en buffet. An ex- temporized buffet or sideboard is sometimes arranged, extending down one side of the dining-room, and covered with white. This leaves more space for the guests than the large central table commonly used. The refreshments may be served all through the re- ception, in which case people enter the dining-room when they please, or the collation may be at a given time. The caterer and his men wait upon the guests, except in the case of rich people, who have a corps of men-servants, the butler and his assistants, large enough to perform this duty. The possibility of asking more people commends this form of entertainment; it is far less trouble to serve a large, easy collation to a 57 MsittntrB a«h Mortal laag^fl number of people standing about than to furnish what is really a dinner to a number sitting down. If a sit-down wedding-breakfast has been arranged, it occurs about half an hour after the parties rettun from church. The table may be of a horseshoe shape. But for a city wedding, where many guests are to be invited in a circle which is forever widening, this sort of an exclusive breakfast in the English fashion is almost impossible. In an opulent country-house, if the day is fine, little tables are set out on the lawn, the ladies seat them- selves around, and the gentlemen carry the refresh- ments to them, or the service is by the caterer. Some- times the piazzas are beautifully decorated with au- tumn boughs and ferns, flowers, evergreens, and the refreshments are served there. Wedding-presents are sent at any time within two months before the wedding, the earlier the better, as many brides like to arrange their own tables artisti- cally, if the presents are shown. These have now become almost absurdly gorgeous. The old fashion, which was started among the frugal Dutch, of giving the young couple their household gear and a sum of money with which to begin, has now degenerated into a very bold display of wealth and ostentatious generosity, so that friends of moderate means are afraid to send anything. Even the cushion on which a wealthy bride in New York was lately ex- pected to kneel was so elaborately embroidered with pearls that she visibly hesitated to press it with her 58 lrtit?0 and W^dbinsH knee at the altar. Silver and gold services, too precious to be trusted to ordinary lock and key, are displayed at the wedding and immediately sent off to some con- venient safe. This is one of the necessary and in- evitable overgrowths of a luxury which we have not yet learned to manage. In France they do things better, those nearest of kin subscribing a sum of money, which is sent to the bride's mother, who expends it in the bridal trousseau, or in jewels or silver, as the bride pleases. So far has extravagance transcended good taste that now many persons of refined minds hesitate to show the presents. If they are displayed, it will be in rooms somewhat apart, usually on the second story. Some brides give an afternoon tea the day before to show the presents to a few intimate friends. It is no longer customary to leave the card bearing the name of the giver on the present, since this might mortify those unable to send costly gifts. After giving an hour and a half to her guests, the bride retires to change her dress; generally her most intimate friends accompany her. She soon returns in travelHng costume, and is met at the foot of the stairs by the groom, who has also changed his dress. The father, mother, and intimate friends kiss the bride, and, as the happy pair drive off, a shower of satin slippers and rice follows them. If one slipper alights on the top of the carriage, luck is assured to them forever. Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly packed in boxes; each guest takes one, if she likes, as she leaves the house. 59 MunnttB unh Mortal TSiau^tn Wedding-favors made of white ribbon and artifi- cial flowers are indispensable in England, but Amer- ica has had the good taste to abjure them until lately. Such ornaments are used for the horses' ears and the servants' coats in this country. Here the groom wears a boutonnifere of natural flowers. A widow should never be accompanied by brides- maids, nor wear a veil or orange-blossoms at her mar- riage. She should at church wear a colored silk or cloth dress and a bonnet or hat. She should be at- tended by her father, brother, or some near friend. It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-ring, as the sight of it cannot but be painful to the bride- groom. If married at home, the widow bride may wear a light silk and be bonnetless, but she should not in- dulge in any of the signs of first bridal. It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to kiss the bride. It is only meet that the near rela-. tives do that. The formula for wedding-cards is generally this: Mr. and Mrs. James Lane request the honor of 's presence at the marriage of their daughter Frances Evelyn to Mr. John Sidney Kane on Thursday, June the fifth at twelve o'clock at St. Thomas's Church 60 l&rihiii anb MfJiJiinga Where the wedding takes place in a village, town, or small city, the name of the locality follows, as "Bever- ly, Massachusetts," or "Red Hook, New York." These invitations are engraved on heavy, plain white note-paper. If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast or a reception at the house, that fact is stated on a separate card, which is enclosed in the same envelope. The invitation to the reception may "Request the pleasure of Miss So-and-so's company," or it may take the "At Home" form. To these invitations the invited guests formerly made no response save to go or to leave cards. Now, however, it is considered more courteous to send an answer, so that the hostess may estimate the number of guests for whom it will be necessary to provide. All invited guests are expected to call on the young couple and to invite them during the year. Of course there are quieter weddings and very simple arrangements as to serving refreshments: a wedding-cake and a decanter of sherry often are alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding. Many brides prefer to be married in travelling- dress and hat, and leave immediately, without con- gratulations. The honey-moon in our busy land is usually only a fortnight in the sky, and some bridal pairs prefer to spend it at the quiet country-house of a friend, as is the English fashion. But others make a hurried trip to Washington, Niagara, or to the Thousand Islands, 6i MnnnttB unh ^nrtal llaag^a or go to Europe, as the case may be. It is extraordi- nary that very few stay at home; in beginning a new life almost all agree that a change of place is the first requisite. * After the return home, bridal dinners and parties are offered to the bride, and she is treated with dis- tinction for three months. Her path is often strewed with flowers from the church to her own door, and it is, metaphorically, so adorned during the first few weeks of married life. Every one hastens to welcome hereto her new condition, and she has but to smile and ac- cept the amiable congratulations and attentions which are showered upon her. Let her parents remember, however, in sending cards after the wedding, to let. the bride's friends know where she can be found in her married estate. Now as to the time for the marriage. There is something exquisitely poetical in the idea of a June wedding. It is the very month for the softer emo- tions and for the wedding journey. In England it is the favorite month for marriages. May is considered unlucky, and in an old almanac of 1678 we find the following notice: "Times prohibiting marriage: Mar- riage comes in on the 13th day of January and at Septuagesima Stmday; it is out again until Low Sim- day, at which time it comes in again and goes not out until Rogation Sunday. Thence it is forbidden until Trinity Sunday, from whence it is unforbidden until Advent Sunday; but then it goes out and comes not i,n again until the 13th of January next following." 0?. EGG SALAD IN A NEST OF CELERY AN ELABORATE SALAD SERVED IN ASPIC JELLY Irtbra atth Wpbhinga Among the Romans, June was considered the most propitious month for marriage; but with the Anglo- Saxons October has always been a favorite and auspi- cious season. We find that the festival has always been observed in very much the same way, whether druidical, pagan, or Christian. Otir brides have, however, all seasons for their own, excepting May, as we have said, and Friday, an un- lucky day. The month of roses has very great recom- mendations. The ceremony is apt to be performed in the country at a pretty little church, which lends its altar-rails gracefully to wreaths, and whose Gothic windows open upon green lawns and trim gardens. The bride and her maids can walk over the delicate sward without soiling their slippers. In England eti- quette requires that the bride and groom should de- part from the church in the groom's carriage. It is strict etiquette there that the groom furnish the car- riage with which they return to the wedding-breakfast, and afterwards depart in state, with many wedding- favors on the horses' heads, and huge white bouquets on the breasts of coachman and footman. It is in England, also, etiquette to drive with four horses to the place where the honey-moon is to be spent; but in America the drive is generally to the nearest railway station. The bridesmaids sometimes form a line near the door at a June wedding, allowing the bride to walk through this pretty alleyway to the church. The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the 63 iiawttpra unh ^nrtal laagfa altar or communion rails, thus being on the bride- groom's right hand, and those of the bride sit on the left, at the bride's left hand. The bridegroom and best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the groom, and of course stands on his left hand; her father stands a little behind her. He must be near enough to respond quickly when he hears the words, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" He may signify his assent simply by bowing, or he may advance and place the right hand of the bride in that of the groom, or in that of the clergyman, who in turn gives it into the keeping of the bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the pew with his wife. The bride's mother sometimes gives her away. Some- times the female relatives stand in the chancel with the bridal group, but this can only happen in a very large church; and the clergyman must arrange this, as in high churches the marriages take place outside the chancel. After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends over and congratulates the young people. The bride then takes the left arm of the groom, and passes down the aisle, followed by her bridesmaids and the ushers. The near relatives come next, and guests should not leave their places until these have passed out. Some of our correspondents have asked us what the best man is doing at this moment? Probably waiting in the vestry, or, if not, he hurries down a side aisle, gets into a carriage, and drives to the house where the 64 IBrtbfa anh Wshhin^s wedding reception is to be held. Here the bride and groom take their places at the head of the room. The bridesmaids may divide, half standing in line beside the bride, the other half next the groom, or all may stand at the bride's right hand. Her parents take their places near, as do also those of the groom. Since the bride's mother is the true hostess of the occasion, all the guests speak to her. They should be presented also to the parents of the groom, who are the guests of honor. The ushers may bring up the guests to offer their congratulations to the bridal couple, and should make sure that strangers are presented to them. Or the guests may come up in line, a pleasanter and more informal way. The bride shakes hands with all, and introduces her husband to those of her friends who do not already know him. October is a good month for both city and country weddings. In our climate, the brilliant October days, not too warm, are admirable for the city guests, who are invited to a country place for the wedding, and cer- tainly it is a pleasant season for the wedding journey. Travelling costumes for brides in England are very elegant, even showy. Velvet, light silks, and satins are used; but in our country plain cloth costtmies are more proper and more fashionable. For weddings in families where a death has recently occurred, all friends, even the widowed mother, should lay aside deep mourning for the ceremony. It is con- sidered unlucky and inappropriate to wear black at a wedding. In our country a widowed mother often 6S MvLttntts anh hartal laag^a appears at her daughter's wedding in gray or purple velvet or silk; in England she wears deep-cardinal red, which is considered, under these circumstances, to be mourning, or proper for a person who is in mourning. We should add that ushers and groomsmen are un- known at an English wedding. The sexton of the church performs the functions which are attended to here by ushers. Note. — ^The yotrng people who are about to be married make a list together of the persons to whom cards should be sent, and all cards go from the young lady's family. No one thinks it strange to get cards for a wedding. A young lady should write a note of thanks to every one who sends her a present before she leaves home; to all her husband's friends, relatives, etc., to all her own, and to people whom she does not know these notes should especially be written, as their gifts may be prompted by a sense of kindness to her parents or her fianci, which she shotild recognize. It is in better taste to write these notes on note-paper than on a visiting-card. It would be proper for a young lady to send her cards to a physician under whose care she had been if she was acquainted with him socially, but'it is not expected when the acquaintance is purely professional. A fashionable and popular physician would be swamped with wedding-cards if that were the custom. If, however, one wishes to show gratitude and remembrance, there would be no impropriety in sending cards to such a gentleman, CHAPTER VII "who pays for the cards?" OES the groom pay for the wedding-cards?" This question is asked so often that it seems well to explain the philosophy of the eti- quette of weddings, which is remotely found- ed on the early savage history of mankind. The barbarous manners of primitive times bear fruit in our later and more complex civiliza- tion, still reminding us of the past. In early and in savage days the man sought his bride heroically, and carried her off by force. The Tartar still does this, and in civilized countries it is still a theory that the bride is thus carried off. Always, therefore, the idea has been cherished that the bride is something carefully guarded, and the groom is looked upon as a sort of friendly enemy, who comes to take away the much- prized object from her loving and jealous family. Thus the long-cherished theory bears fruit in the English cere- monial, where the only carriage furnished by the groom is the one in which he drives the bride away to the spending of the honey-moon. Up to that time he has had no rights of proprietorship. Even this is not al- ways allowed in America among fashionable people, the 67 MunnitB attii Mortal Il0agg0 bride's father often sending them in his own carriage on the first stage of their journey. It is not etiquette for the groom to furnish anything for his own wedding but the ring and a bouquet for the bride, presents for the bridesmaids and the best man, and some token to the ushers. He pays the clergyman, the fee varying from five to one hundred dollars. It should be en- closed in an envelope. He should not pay for the cards, the carriages (ex- cept the one in which he and the best man go to the church, and sometimes the one in which he and the bride start on their honey -moon trip), the entertain- ment, or anything connected with the wedding. This is decided in the high court of etiquette. That is the province of the family of the bride, and should be insisted upon. If they are not able to do this, there should be no wedding and no cards. It is better for a portionless girl to go to the altar in a travelling-dress, and to send out no invitations nor wedding-cards, than to allow the groom to pay for them. This is not to the disparagement of the rights of the groom. It is simply a proper and universal etiquette. At the altar the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes his wife his equal by saying, "With all my worldly goods I thee endow"; but until he has uttered these words she has no claim on his purse for clothes, or cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those articles which come under the head of such gifts as it is a lover's province to give. A very precise, old-time aristocrat of New York 68 H fnr tlfp Olarba?' broke her daughter's engagement to a gentleman be- cause he brought her a dress from Paris. She said, if he did not know enough not to give her daughter clothes while she was tmder her roof, he should not have her. This is an exaggerated feeling, but the principle is a sound one. The position of a woman is so delicate, the relations of engaged people so uncertain, that it would bring about an awkwardness if the gentleman were to pay for the shoes, the gowns, the cards of his betrothed. Suppose that an engagement of marriage is broken after the cards are out — and this has happened several times to the knowledge of the writer — ^who is to repay the bridegroom if he has paid for the cards? Should the father of the bride send him a check ? That would be very insulting, yet a family would feel nervous about being under pectmiary indebtedness to a dis- carded son-in-law. The lady can return her ring and the gifts her lover has made her; they have suf- fered no contact that will injure them. But she could not return shoes or gowns or bonnets. It is therefore wisely ordered by etiquette that the lover be allowed to pay for nothing that could not be returned to him Avithout loss, if the engagement were dissolved, even on the wedding morning. Of course in primitive life the lover may pay for his lady-love, as in the case of a pair of young people who come together in a humble station. Such mar- riages are common in America, and many of these 6 69 tanttfra anJi Mortal Maag^a pairs have mounted to the very highest social rank. But they must not attempt an5rthing which is in imi- tation of the etiquette of fashionable life unless they can do it well and thoroughly. Nothing is more honorable than a marriage cele- brated in the presence only of father, mother, and priest. Two young people unwilling or unable to have splendid dresses, equipages, cards, and ceremony, can always be married in this way, and may rise after- wards to the highest political position in the state or the nation. They are not hampered by it hereafter. But the bride should never forget her dignity. She should never let the groom pay for cards, or for any- thing, unless it is the marriage license, wherever it is needful in this country, the wedding-ring, and the clergyman's fee. If she does, she puts herself in a false position. A very sensible observer, writing of America and its young people, and the liberty allowed them, says "the liberty, or the license, of our youth will have to be curtailed. As our society becomes complex and artificial, like older societies in Europe, our children will be forced to approximate to them in status, and parents will have to waken to a sense of their respon- sibilities." This is a remark which applies at once to that liberty permitted to engaged couples in rural neighborhoods, where the yotmg girl is allowed to go on a journey at her lover's expense. A girl's natural protectors should know better than to allow this. They know that her 70 mifa 3PaBfi for tlji? QIariiH?" purity is her chief attraction to man, and that a cer- tain coyness and virginal freshness are the dowry she should bring her future husband. Suppose that this engagement is broken off. How will she be accepted by another lover after having enjoyed the hospitality of the first? Would it not always make a disagreea- ble feeling between the two men, although No. 2 might have perfect respect for the girl ? Etiquette may sometimes make blunders, but it is generally based on a right principle, and here it is undoubtedly founded in truth and justice. In other countries this truth is so fully realized that daughters are guarded by the vigilance of parents almost to the verge of absurdity. A young girl is never allowed to go out alone, and no man is permitted to enter the household until his character has undergone the closest scrutiny. Marriage is a unique contract, and all the various wrongs caused by hasty marriages, all the troubles before the courts, all the divorces, are multi- plied by the carelessness of American parents, who, beUeving, and truly believing, in the almost universal purity of their daughters, are careless of the fold, not remembering the one black sheep. This evil of excessive Uberty and of the lax eti- quette of our young people cannot be rooted out by laws. It must begin at the hearth-stone. Family life must be reformed; young ladies must be brought up with greater strictness. The bloom of innocence should not be brushed off by careless hands. If a mother leaves her daughter matronless, to receive at- 71 tentions without her dignified presence, she opens the door to an unworthy man, who may mean marriage or not. He may be a most unsuitable husband even if he does mean marriage. If he takes the young lady about, paying for her cab hire, her theatre tickets, and her joumeyings, and then drops her, whom have they to thank but themselves that her bloom is brushed off, that her character suffers, that she is made ridiculous, and marries some one whom she does not love, for a home? Men, as they look back on their own varied expe- rience, are apt to remember with great respect the women who were cold and distant. They love the fruit which hung the highest, the flower which was guarded, and which did not grow under their feet in the highway. They look back with vague wonder that they were ever infatuated with a fast girl who matured into a vulgar woman. And we must remember what a fatal effect upon marriage is the loosing _of the ties of respect. Love without trust is without respect, and if a lover has not respected his fiancee, he will never respect his wife^ It is the privilege of the bride to name the wedding- day. When the circle of friends on both sides is very extensive, it is customary to send invitations to some, who are not called to the wedding-breakfast, to attend the ceremony in church. This takes the place of issuing cards. No one thinks of calling on the newly married who has not received either an invitation to 72 n Pa^H for tljp Qlar&a?' the ceremony at church, announcement-cards, or cards after their estabHshment in their new home. An announcement-card is engraved on plain, heavy- white paper, and may be worded as follows: Mr. and Mrs. John Furgeson have the honor to announce the marriage of their daughter Margaret to Mr. James Delluce on Wednesday, June the twelfth nineteen hundred and seven at St. Thom.as's Church Nahant, Massachusetts Now one of our correspondents writes to us, "Who pays for the after -cajrAsV These have been replaced to a great extent by an- notmcement-cards. Where they are used, they are in most cases ordered with the other cards, and the bride's mother pays for them. But if they are ordered after the marriage, the groom may pay for these as he would pay for his wife's ordinary expenses. Still, it is strict- er etiquette that even these should be paid for by the bride's family. A card inscribed: At Home after February the Fourteenth at Woodlawn Terrace Yonkers, New York is often enclosed with the wedding invitation, or with the announcement-cards. Or a similar formula is oc- 73 Mnnntrs unh Mortal llaaj^a casionally printed in the lower left-hand corner of the announcement-card. People who are asked to the wedding send cards to the house if they cannot attend, and in any case send or leave cards within ten days after, unless they are in very deep mourning, when a dispensation is granted them. The etiquette of a wedding at home does not differ at all from the etiquette of a wedding in church with regard to cards. The first and important card goes to the lady who gives the wedding. After the bride is established in her new home, one calls on her or sends her cards. The order of the religious part of the ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs. The bride naturally prefers to have it performed by her own clergyman, or to have him take some part in it, as- sisted perhaps by others. A bishop or other high ecclesiastical functionary is often asked to officiate, where the couple to be married belong to rich or im- portant families, or where they are connected with him by ties of blood or friendship. Several clergy- men unite to perform the ceremony at some brilliant weddings. But the bride should hesitate to add thus to the expenses of her future husband, if he is not a rich man. The groom must call on the rector or clergyman, see the organist, and make what arrange- ments the bride pleases. The sexton should see to it that the white ribbon is stretched across the aisle, that the awning and carpet 74 "Wifa ^Pa^a for tl|p ©arba?' are in place, and it would be well if the police regula- tions could extend to the group of idlers who crowd arotind the church door in our large cities, to the great inconvenience of the guests. The separate cards of the bride and groom are no longer included in the invitation. Announcement - cards are often issued by the par- ents of the bride after a wedding; these are sent to all friends who were not asked to the wedding, and also to the visiting acquaintance of both families. CHAPTER VIII WEDDINGS AFTER EASTER LL our brides may rejoice that they are not French brides. It is very troublesome to be married in France, especially if one of the high contracting parties be a for- eigner. A certificate of baptism is required, together with that of the marriage of the father and mother, and a written consent of the grandfather and grandmother, if either is alive and the parents dead. The names of the parties are then put up on the door of the mairie, or mayor's office, for eleven days. In England .there are fcur ways of getting married. The first is by special license, which enables two peo- ple to be married at any time and at any place; but this is very expensive, costing fifty pounds, and is only obtainable through an archbishop. Then there is the ordinary license, which can be procured either at Doc- tor's Commons or through a clergyman, who must also be a surrogate, and resident in the diocese where the marriage is to take place ; both parties must swear that they are of age, or, if minors, that they have the con- sent of their parents. But to be married by banns is 76 Uhhtn90 aft^r lEaat^r considered the most orthodox as well as the most eco- nomical way of proceeding. The banns must be pub- lished in the church of the parish in which the lady- lives for three consecutive Sundays prior to the mar- riage, also the same law holds good for the gentleman, and the parties must have resided fifteen days in the parish. Or the knot may be tied at a licensed chapel, or at the office of a registrar, notice being given three weeks previously. We merely quote these safeguards against impru- dent marriages to show our brides how free they are. And perhaps, as we sometimes find, they are too free; there is danger that there may be too much ease in tying the knot that so many wish untied later, judging from the frequency of divorce. However, we will not throw a damper on that occa- sion which for whirl and bustle and gayety and excite- ment is not equalled by any other day in a person's life. The city wedding in New York is marked, first, by the arrival of the caterer, who comes to spread the wedding-breakfast; and later on by the fiorist, who appears to decorate the rooms, to hang the floral bell, or to spread the floral umbrella, or to build a grotto of flowers in the bow-window where the happy couple shall stand. Some of the latest freaks in floral fashion cause a bower of tall, growing ferns to be constructed, the ferns meeting over the bridal pair. This is, of course, supposing that the wedding takes place at home. There should not be a close atmosphere or too many overfragrant flowers; for at a home wedding, 77 Hantt^rB and hartal TUsn^ts however well the arrangements have been made in advance, there is always a little time spent in waiting for the bride, a few presents arrive late, and there is always a slight confusion, so that the mamma is apt to be nervous and flushed and the bride agitated. A church wedding involves a great deal more trouble, especially where there are bridesmaids; carriages must be ordered for them, for the family, and for the bride and her father. Fortunately there is no stem law prescribing the hours within which a wedding must take place. If every one is late at church, no dire results follow here as they would in England. There the law would read, "The rite of marriage is to be performed between the hours of 8 A.M. and noon, upon pain of suspension and felony with fourteen years' transportation." Such is the stem order to the officiating priests. The reason for this curious custom and the terrible penalty awaiting its infringement is traceable, it is said, to the wrongs committed on innocent parties by the "hedge" parsons. Also, alas! because our English ancestors were apt to be drtmk after mid-day and un- able to take an oath. A bride may have as many bridesmaids as she likes — two, four, six, eight, or even more. She has, of course, the privilege of choosing the dresses. The prettiest toilettes we have seen were of heliotrope chiffon over silk; and again pale pink with white lace. The hats were of white chip, with feathers of pink, for this last dress. One set of bridesmaids wore Nile-green dresses, 78 3ifbJ»t«ga nfUr lEnnttt with pink plumes in their coiffures; another set were in white silk and silver. A bride's dress has lately been ornamented with orange-blossoms and lilacs. The veil was fastened on with orange-flowers; the corsage bouquet was of orange- flowers and lilacs mixed; the lace over-dress was caught up with Ulac sprays; the hand bouquet wholly of Ulacs; the gardener's success in producing these dwarf bushes covered with white Ulacs has given us the beautiful flower in great perfection. Cowslips have been used as corsage and hand bouquets for bridesmaids' dresses, the dresses being of pale-blue surah, with yellow Gains- borough hats and yellow plttmes. White gloves and shoes are proper for brides; and dresses with long or elbow sleeves are still pronounced the best style ac- cording to modem custom ; these are always made high in the neck, for a wedding in the daytime. The yoke may be of lace if preferred. Bridal dresses are usually of white satin and point lace, a preference for lace veils being very evident. The tulle veil when prettily arranged is becoming to most yotmg women, and cannot be given up alto- gether, since few brides can afford to wear real lace. The imitation article cannot be used for this pur- pose. The ushers and the groom wear very large bouton- niferes of stephanotis and gardenias, or equally large bunches of hlies-of-the-valley, in their button-holes. It is a matter of taste whether the bride wears her gloves to the altar or whether she goes up with un- 79 M^nntxB and Mortal laag^B covered hands. "High-Church " brides, also those who have beautiful hands, prefer the latter custom. The bride carries a prayer-book, if she prefers, instead of a bouquet. The holy communion is administered to the married pair if they desire it. One correspondent inquires, "Who should be asked to a church wedding?" We should say all your visit- ing-list or none. There is an unusual feeling about being left out at a wedding, and no explanation that it is "a small and not a general invitation" seems to satisfy those who are thus passed over. It is much better to offend no one on so important an occasion. Wedding - cards and wedding stationery have not altered at all. The simple styles are the best. The bridal linen should be marked with the maiden name of the bride. A solitaire diamond is always a favorite style for an engagement-ring. A diamond and a ruby, or a dia- mond and a sapphire, set at right angles or diagonally, have also been in vogue of late years. Pearls are not often used, as, according to the German idea, "pearls are tears for a bride." The wedding-ring is entirely different, being merely a plain gold ring, not very wide nor a square band, as it was a few years since, and the engagement-ring is worn as a guard above the wedding- ring. It is not usual for the bride expectant to give a ring to her intended husband, but many girls like to give an engagement gift to their betrothed. Inside the engagement - ring is the date of the engagement and the initials of each of the contracting parties. The 80 Wthhxn^a ufUt lEaatPr wedding-ring has the date of the marriage and the initials. The bride's name cut in silver or gold serves for a lace-pin, and makes a pretty gift to the bridesmaids. The fashion of having a maid of honor continues to be popular. She walks alone immediately in front of the bride and her father. Where there are brides- maids she follows them, coming just before the bride, if there are no flower-girls. When there are, these im- mediately precede the bride, strewing flowers in her path. We have been asked, " Who shall conduct the single bridesmaid to the altar?" If any one, it should be the brother of the groom, her own fianci, or some chosen friend — never the best man ; he does not leave his friend the groom imtil he sees him fairly launched on that hopeful" but uncertain sea whose reverses and whose smiles are b^ng constantly tempted. The single bridesmaid generally walks alone. In the matter of floral decoration, often absurdly ex- pensive, the bride's own fancy is consulted, as to her must be relegated the colors of the bridesmaids' gowns. There is no established etiquette in these matters. An excessive floral display is thought to be in bad taste, especially when the parents of the bride are not • rich people. Common-sense dictates that the expenses of the wedding shall bear some proportion to the means of those giving it. Otherwise tinkind criticism is sure to follow. In arranging the house for the spring wedding the 8i MnnmrB nni ^airtstl llaas^a florists often employ only one kind of flower in masses; so we hear of the apple-blossom wedding, the lilac wedding, the lily wedding, the rose wedding, the daf- fodil wedding, the violet wedding, and the daisy wed- ding. So well has this been carried out, that at a recent daisy wedding the .bride's lace and diamond ornaments bore the daisy pattern, and each brides- maid received a daisy pin with a diamond centre. This fashion of massing flowers of a single variety has its advantages when that flower is the beautiful, feathery lilac, as ornamental as a plume; but it is not to be commended when the blossoms are as sombre as the violet, which nowadays suggests funerals. Daffo- dils are lovely and original, and apple-blossoms, with their delicate beauty, are very decorative. No one needs to be told that roses look better for being massed, and it is a pretty conceit for a bride to make the flower which was the ornament of her wedding her flower for life. We have mentioned the surroundings of the brides, but have not spoken of the background. A screen hung with white and purple lilacs formed the back- ground of one fair bride, a hanging-curtain of Jacque- minot roses formed the appropriate setting of another. Perhaps the most regal of these floral screens was one formed of costly orchids, each worth a fortune. It is customary to have the organist play the wed- ding-march from "Lohengrin" as the bride walks up the aisle, and gjreet the newly married pair with the tri- ttmphant music of the march from Mendelssohn's "Mid- 82 Uphbtnga ufUt iEaattr summer Night's Dream" as they leave the altar. A band of choir-boys sometimes march down the aisle to meet the bridal procession, singing an epithalamium. They then turn and head the cortege as it advances to the altar. These fresh, young voices hailing the youth- ful couple are in keeping with the child bridesmaids and the youthful brothers. Nay, they suggest those frescoes of the Italian villas where Hymen and Cupid, two immortal boys, always precede the happy pair. The nurses, the cook, the maids, and the men-ser- vants in England always expect a wedding-favor and a small gratuity at a wedding, and in this country should be remembered by a box of cake, and possibly by a new dress, cap, or bonnet, or something to recall the day. t The pretty plan of cutting the bride-cake and hunt- ing for a ring has been long exploded, as the brides- maids declare that it ruins their gloves, and that in these days of eighteen buttons it is too much trouble to take off and put on a glove for the sake of finding a ring in a bit of greasy pastry. However, it might supplement a wedding-supper. The present of cake in boxes has superseded the bride-cake to a great extent. As the ring is the ex- pressive emblem of the perpetuity of the compact, and as the bride-cake and customary libations form sig- nificant symbols of the nectar sweets of matrimony, it will not do to banish the cake altogether, although few people eat it and few wish to carry it away. CHAPTER IX BEFORE THE WEDDING HE reception of an engaged girl by the fam- ily of her future husband should be most cordial, and no time should be lost in giving her a warm welcome. It is the moment of all others when she will feel such a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect will be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness. It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to in- vite both the family of the expectant bride and her- self to a dinner as soon as possible after the formal announcement of the engagement. The two families should meet and should make friendships at once. It is to these near relatives that the probable date of the wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow of much consultation and preparation in the selection of wedding-gifts. In opulent families each has some- times given the young couple a silver dinner service and much silver besides, and the rooms of the bride's father's house look like a jeweler's shop when the presents are shown. All the m gnificent ormolu orna- ments for the chimney-piece, handsome clocks and lamps, fans in large quantities, spoons, forks by the 84 iBpfnr? tifp nibbing * hundred, and of late years the fine gilt ornaments, furniture, bracelets — all are piled up in most-admired confusion. And when the invitations are out, then come in the outer world with their more hastily pro- cured gifts: rare specimens of china, little paintings, ornaments for the person — all, all are in order. A present is generally packed where it is bought, and sent with the giver's card from the shop to the bride directly. If it is marked, the bride's maiden name or initials should be used. She should always acknowledge its arrival by a personal note written by herself. A young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many that she could not find time to write the notes, which was naturally considered boastful and most Tongracious. Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste or industry of the friend who sends are particularly complimentary. A piece of embroidery, an oil paint- ing, a water -color are most flattering gifts, as they betoken a long and predetermined interest. No friend should be deterred from sending a small present, one not representing a money value, because other and richer people can send a more expensive one. Often the little gift remains as a most endear- ing and useful souvenir. The fashion of wedding-gifts changes from year to year. Silver is always popular, and so is jewelry. Useful gifts are always in order, especially where the young people possess only modest means. Furniture 1 85 is now made in such artistic forms as to be very suit- able for wedding-presents, and the same is true of glass and china ware. Those who know the bride well enough should try to find out what she would prefer. It is sad and also a little absurd to see a young woman who will prob- ably do her own housework, or keep a single domestic, loaded down with silver gifts till her rooms look like a silversmith's. Since she cannot give the time to keep all this precious metal polished, and as she is perhaps afraid of burglars, in her husband's absence, most of it is usually sent to the safety deposit vaults. Meantime the young couple may be really in need of more useful housefumishings — handsome napery for the table, rugs, or Morris chairs. Where the bride and groom possess ample means, the case is different. We have now passed the age of bronze and that of brass, and silver holds the first place of importance. Not only the coffee and tea sets, but the dinner-sets and the whole furniture of the writing-table, and even brooms and brushes, are made with repoussS silver handles — the last, of course, for the toilette, as for dusting velvet, feathers, bonnets, etc. The oxidized, ugly, discolored silver is not so fash- ionable as it was, and the beautiful, bright, highly polished silver, with its own natural and unmatchable color, has come in. The salvers afford a splendid sur- face for a monogram, which is now copied from the old Dutch silver, and bears many a true-lovers' knot, 86 l&tfars tl|p Uf&htng and every sort and kind of ornamentation; sometimes even a little verse, or posy, as it was called in olden time. One tea-caddy at a recent wedding bore the following almost obsolete rhjnne, which Corydon might have sent to Phyllis in pastoral times: "My heart to you is given; Oh, do give yours to me; We'll lock them up together. And throw away the key." It should be added that the silver tea-caddy was in the shape of a heart and that it had a key. Very dear to the heart of a housewife is the tea-caddy which can be locked. Another unique present was a gold tea -scoop of ancient pattern, probably once a baby's pap -spoon. There were also apostle - spoons, little silver canoes, and other devices to hold cigarettes and ashes; little mysterious boxes for the toilette, to hold the tongs for curHng hair, and hair-pins; mirror frames, and even chair-backs and tables — all of silver. Friends often conspire to make their offerings to- gether, so that there may be no duplicates, and no pieces in the silver service which do not match. This is a very excellent plan. Old pieces like silver tank- ards, Queen Anne silver, and the ever-beautiful Balti- more workmanship, are highly prized. Clusters of diamond stars, daisies, or primroses that can be grouped together are now favorite gifts for those who can afford such luxviries, as are also diamond but- 87 ManntXB unh Batiui Haagga ter-flies and other insects. In this costly gift several friends join again, as in the silver presentation. Dia- mond bracelets that can be used as necklaces are also favorite presents. All sorts of vases, bits of china, cloisonne, clocks (although there is not such a plethora of clocks and lamps as a few years ago), choice etch- ings framed, and embroidered table-cloths, doilies, and useful coverings for bureau and wash-stands are in order. We have been asked if the family of the intended husband should send the bride presents. Of course, as handsome as they can afford. This is important. It is very much the fashion to send presents to the en- gaged girl from the family she is about to enter. The father, mother, and sisters of the fiance (we have no English word for this important person) are apt to send some small articles of jewelry. It is also the fashion for intimate friends to send gifts when the engagement is announced. As for the conduct of the betrothed pair during their engagement, our American mammas are apt to be somewhat more lenient in their views of the liberty to be allowed than are the English. With the latter, no young lady is allowed to drive alone with her fiance; there must be a servant in attendance. No young lady must visit in the family of her fiancS, unless he has a mother to receive her. Nor is she allowed to go to the theatre alone with him, or to travel under his escort, to stop at the same hotel, or to relax one of those rigid rules which a severe chaperon would en- 88 Spforf tlfs Mfbbtng force; and it must be allowed that this severe and careful attention to appearances is in good taste. We have already spoken of the engagement - ring prescribed by modem fashion, although it is perfectly proper, and indeed much more sensible, for the groom to give a simple and inexpensive ring, if he is in mod- est circumstances. The manner of presentation is a secret between the engaged pair. After the bridal pair return from their wedding- tour, the bridesmaids each give them a dinner or a party, or show some attention, if they are so sit- uated that they can do so. The members of the two families, also, each give a dinner to the young couple. It is now a very convenient and pleasant custom for the bride to announce with her wedding-cards two or more reception - days, during the winter after her marriage, on which her friends- can call upon her. The certaintv of finding a bride at home is very pleas- ing. On these occasions she does not wear her wed- ding-dress, but receives as if she had entered society as one of its members. The wedding - trappings are all put away, and she wears a dark silk, which may be as handsome as she chooses. As for wearing her wedding-dress to balls or dinners after her marriage, it is perfectly proper to do so, if she divests herself of her veil and her orange-blossoms. The bride should be very attentive and conciliatory to all her husband's friends. They will look with in- terest upon her from the moment they hear of the 89 latttt^ra attb Mortal Haag^a engagement, and it is in the worst taste for her to show indifference to them. Quiet weddings, either in church or at the house, are very much preferred by some families. Indeed, the French, from whom we have learned many — and might learn more — lessons of grace and good taste, infinitely prefer them. As to the wedding-tour, it is no longer considered obligatory, nor is the seclusion of the honey-moon de- manded. A very fashionable girl who married an EngUshman at Newport returned in three days to take her own house there, and to receive and give out invitations. If the newly married pair thus begin housekeeping in their own way, they generally issue a few "At Home" cards, and thereby open an easy door for future hospitalities. Certainly the once per- functory bridal tour is no longer deemed essential, and the more sensible fashion exists of the taking of a friend's house a few miles out of town for a month. Such exhibitions in the cars or in public places as one often sees, of the bride laying her head on her husband's shoulder, holding hands, or kissing, are at once vulgar and indecent. All public display of an affectionate nature should be sedulously avoided. The affections are too sacred for such outward showing, and the lookers-on are in a very disagreeable position. The French call love-making I'egoisme h deux, and no egotism is agreeable. People who see a pair of young doves cooing in public are apt to say that a quarrel is not far ofE. It is possible for a lover to show every 90 l^fnr? tlfp m^Jihtttg attention, every assiduity, and not to overdo his dem- onstrations. The yoiing people are not expected, unless fortune has been exceptionally kind, to be immediately re- sponsive in the matter of entertainments. The outer world is only too happy to entertain them. Nothing can be more imprudent than for a young couple to rush into expenditures which may endanger their fut- ure happiness and peace of mind, nor should they feel that they are obliged at once to return the dinners and the parties given to them. The time will come, doubtless, when they will be able to do so. But the announcement of a day on which the bride will receive her friends is almost indispensable. The refreshments on these occasions should not exceed tea and cake, or, at the most, punch, tea, chocolate, and cakes, which may stand on a table at one end of the room or may be handed by a servant. Bouillon, on a cold day of winter, is also in order, and is per- haps the most serviceable of all simple refreshments. For in giving a "four-o'clock tea," or several day re- ceptions, a large entertainment is decidedly vulgar. Let it be composed of tea, chocolate, sandwiches, and cakes, with perhaps a few bonbons. CHAPTER X WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES ERY few people have the golden opportu- nity of living together for fifty years in the holy estate of matrimony. When they have overcome in so great a degree the many in- firmities of the fiesh, and the common incom- patibility of tempers, they deserve to be con- gratulated, and to have a wedding festivity which shall be as ceremonious as the first one and twice as impressive. The golden wedding is a rare festivity — the great marriage bell made of wheat fully ripe; sheaves of com; roses of the pure gold color (the Marshal Niel is the golden- wedding flower par excellence). We can well imagine the parlors beautifully decorated with autumn leaves and evergreens, the children grouped about the aged pair, perhaps even a great-grandchild as a child bridesmaid, a bridal bouquet in the aged white hand. We can fancy nothing more poetical and beautiful than this festivity. Whether or not a ring should be given by the hus- band to the wife on this occasion we must leave to the individual taste of the parties. No doubt it is a pleas- ant occasion for the gift — 92 Ipbbtng Attnto^raartpa "If she, by merit since disclosed, Proved twice the woman I supposed," there is no doubt that she deserves another ring. The gifts of gold must be somewhat circumscribed, and therefore the injunction, so severe and so unalter- able, which holds good at tin and silver weddings, that no presents must be given of any other metal than that designated by the day, does not hold good at a golden wedding. Here it is sufficient to observe the color — as, for instance, a poem dedicated to the bride and groom, and written in golden letters, with a border of buttercups or yellow cowslips delicately painted. A card printed in gold letters, announcing that John Anderson and Mary Brown were married, for instance, in 1857, and will celebrate their golden wed- ding in 1907, is generally the only golden manifestation. One of the cards recently issued reads in this way: Mr. and Mrs. John Anderson At Home, November twenty-first nineteen hundred and seven Golden Wedding ly Carmichael Street at eight o'clock All done in gold, on white, thick English paper, that is nearly all the exhibition of gold necessary at a golden wedding, unless some friend gives the aged bride a present of jewelry. Among very rich people, this occasion sometimes gives rise to the display of great magnificence. 93 MtLtintrB and hartal T&BUQtB At the golden wedding of one of the Rothschilds we read of such presents as a solid gold dinner ser- vice; a chased cup of Benvenuto Cellini in solid gold enriched with precious stones; a box, with cover of gold, in the early Renaissance, with head of Marie de Medicis in oxidized gold; of rings from Cyprus, containing sapphires from the tombs of the Crusaders, of solid crystals cut in drinking-cups, with handles of gold; of jade goblets set in gold saucers; of sing- ing-birds in gold; and of toilet appliances, all in solid gold, not to speak of chains, rings, etc. This is luxury, and there are few persons who can afford it. But it must entail great inconvenience. Gold is so valuable that a small piece of it goes a great way, and even a Rothschild would not like to leave out a gold dress- ing-case lest it might tempt the most honest of wait- ing-women. No doubt some of our millionaire Americans can afford such golden wedding-presents, but of course they are rare, and even if common would be less in keeping than some less magnificent gifts. Our re- publican simplicity would be outraged and shocked at seeing so much coin of the realm kept out of cir- culation. There are, however, should we wish to make a pres- ent to a bride of fifty years' standing, many charming bits of gold jewelry very becoming, very artistic, and not too expensive for a moderate purse. There are the delicate productions of Castellani, the gold and enamel of Venice, the gold-work of several different 94 Hth&tng Attttttipraarira colors which has become so artistic; there are the modem antiques, copied from the Phoenician jewelry fotmd at Cyprus — these made into pins for the cap, pendants for the neck, rings and bracelets, boxes for the holding of small sweetmeats, so fashionable many years ago, are pretty presents for an elderly lady. For a gentleman it is more difficult to find souvenirs. We must acknowledge that it is always difficult to select a present for a gentleman. Unless he has as many feet as Briareus had hands, or unless he is a centipede, he cannot wear all the slippers given to him; and the shirt-studs and sleeve-buttons are equal- ly burdensome. Rings are now fortunately in fashion, and can be as expensive as one pleases. But one al- most regrets the disuse of snuff, as that gave occa- sion for many beautiful boxes. It would be difficult to find, however, such gold snuffboxes as were once handed round among monarchs and among wealthy snuffers. The bride of fifty years' standing receives her children and grandchildren dressed in some article which she wore at her first wedding, if any remain. Sometimes a veil, or a handkerchief, or a fan, scarcely ever the whole dress has lasted fifty years, and she holds a bouquet of white flowers. A wedding-cake is prepared with a ring in it, and on the frosting is the date, and the monogram of the two, who have lived together so long. These golden weddings are apt to be sad. It is not well for the old to keep anniversaries — too many 95 ghosts come to the feast. Still, if people are happy enough to wish to do so, there can be no harm in it. Their surroundings may possibly surpass their fond- est dreams, but as it regards themselves, the contrast is painful. They have little in common with bridal joys, and unless it is the wish of some irrepressible descendant, few old couples care to celebrate the golden wedding save in their hearts. If they have started at the foot of the ladder, and have risen, they may not wish to remember their early struggles; if they have started high, and have gradually sunk into poverty or ill-health, they certainly do not wish to photograph those better days by the fierce light of an anniversary. It is only the very exceptionally good, happy, and serene people who can afford to celebrate a golden wedding. Far otherwise with the silver wedding, which comes in this country while people are still young, in the very prime of life, with much before them, and when to stop midway to take an account of one's friends and one's blessings is a wise and a pleasant thing. The cards are on plain white or silver-gray paper, printed in silver, somewhat in this style: 1882 igo^ Mr. and Mrs. Carter request the pleasure of 's company on Wednesday, October the twenty-seventh at eight o'clock Silver Wedding John Carter Sarah Smith 96 WtJiiitng AnntttfraarUH Such, at least, is one form. Many people do not, however, add their names at the end; while, again, some go even further, and transcribe the marriage notice from the newspaper of the period. The "At Home" form is also used, and the invitation may con- tain no reference to the Silver Wedding, if this is pre- ferred. A very sensible reform has been made in the matter of this anniversary. It was once a demand on the purse of at least fifty dollars to receive an invitation to a silver wedding, because every one was expected to send a piece of silver. Some very rich houses in New York are stocked with silver with the elaborate inscription, "Silver Wedding." To the cards of to- day is often appended, "No presents accepted," which is a relief to the impecunious. The entertainment for a silver wedding, to be per- fect, should occur at exactly the hour at which the marriage took place ; but as that has been found to be inconvenient, the marriage hour is ignored, and the party takes place in the evening generally, and with all the characteristics of a modem reception. The "bridal pair" stand together, of course, to receive, and as many of the original party of the groomsmen and bridesmaids as can be got together should be in- duced to form a part of the group. The collation may include the historic cake, and the bride puts the knife into it as she did twenty -five years ago. The ring is eagerly sought for. The twenty-five-year-old bride should cut a few 97 Mnnntrs unh §>atini Hsa^ra pieces, then leave others to pass it; it is a day on which she should be waited upon. A large and plentiful repast is offered, exactly like that of any reception-table. Champagne is in order, healths are drunk, and speeches made at many of these silver weddings. Particularly delightful are such anniversaries when they are celebrated in the country, especially if the house is large enough to hold a number of guests. Then many a custom of peculiar significance and friendliness can be observed; everybody can help to prepare the feast, decorate the house with flowers, and save the bride from those tearful moments which come with any retrospect. All should try to make the scene a merry one, for there is no other reason for its celebration. There can be no objection to the sending of flowers, and particular friends who wish can, of course, send other gifts, but there should be no obligation. We may say here that the custom of giving bridal gifts has become an outrageous abuse of a good idea. From being a pretty and thoughtful custom, it has now degenerated into a form of ostentation, and is a great tax on the friends of the bride. People in certain relations to the family are even expected to send cer^ tain gifts. It has been known to be the case that the bride allowed some officious friend to suggest that she should have silver or pearls or diamonds; and a rich old bachelor uncle is sure to be told what is expected from him. But when a couple have reached their sil- 98 UpbiitnQ AnnioprBarifa ver -wedding, and are able and willing to celebrate it, it may be supposed that they are beyond the necessity of appealing to the generosity of their- friends; there- fore it is a good custom to have this phrase added to the silver-wedding invitation, "No presents received." The question has been asked if the ceremony should be performed over again. We should say decidedly not, for great danger has accrued to thoughtless per- sons in thus tampering with the wedding ceremony. Any one who has read Mrs. Oliphant's beautiful story of Madonna Mary will be struck at once with this danger. It is not safe, even in the most playful man- ner, to imitate that legal form on which all society, property, legitimacy, and the safety of the home hang. We hear of gorgeous silver weddings in California, that land of gold and silver, where the display of toi- lettes each represented a large fortune. But, after all, the sentiment is the thing. "As when, amid the rites divine, I took thy troth, and plighted mine To thee, sweet wife, my second ring, A token and a pledge I bring. This ring shall wed, till death us part. Thy riper virtues to my heart — Those virtues which, before untried, The wife has added to the bride." Now as to the dress of the bride of twenty-five years, we should say, "Any color but black." There is an old superstition against connecting black with wed- 99 MtinntrB nnh hartal llaas^a dings. A silver - gray, trimmed with steel and lace, has lately been used with much success as a second bridal dress. Still less should the dress be white; that has become so canonized as the wedding-dress of a virgin bride that it is not even proper for a widow to wear it on her second marriage. The shades of rose-color, crimson, or those beautiful modem com- binations of velvet and brocade which suit so many matronly women, are all appropriate silver-wedding dresses. Ladies should not wear jewelry in the morning, particularly at their own houses; so if the wedding is celebrated in the morning, the hostess should take care not to be too splendid. Evening weddings are, in these anniversaries, far more agreeable, and can be celebrated with more elaborate dressing. It is now so much the fashion to wear low-necked dresses that the bride of twenty- five years can appear, if she chooses, in a low-cut, short-sleeve dinner -dress, and diamonds in the even- ing. As for the groom, he should be in full even- ing dress, immaculate white tie, and pearl-colored Idd gloves. He plays, as he does at the wedding, but a secondary part. Indeed, it has been jocosely said, that he sometimes poses as a victim. In savage communities and among the birds it is the male who wears the fine clothes; in Christian society it is the male who dresses in black, putting the fine feathers on his wife. It is to her that all the honors are paid, he plajdng for the time but a secondary part. In lOO Mflibtng Attttto^raartfa savage communities she would dig the earth, wait upon her lord, and stand behind him while he eats; in the modern silver wedding he helps her to creamed oysters and champagne, and stands while she sits. Now as to who shall be invited. A correspondent writes asking if a silver wedding celebrated in a new home would not be a good opportunity for making the "first onset of hospitality," inviting those neighbors who were not known before, or at least who were not visiting acquaintances. We should think it a very happy idea. It is a compliment to ask one's friends and neighbors to any ceremony or anniversary in which one's own deep feelings are concerned, such as a christ- ening, a child's wedding, and the celebration of a birth- day. Why not still more when a married pair have weathered the storms of twenty-five years? People fully aware of their own respectability should never be afraid to bow first, speak first, or call first. Courtesy is the most cosmopolitan of good qualities, and polite- ness is one of the seven cardinal virtues. No people giving such an invitation need be hurt if it is received coldly. They only thus find out which of their new neighbors are the most worth cultivating. This sort of courtesy is as far as possible from the dreadful word "pushing." As dress was made to dignify the human body, so a generous courtesy clothes the mind. Let no one be afraid of draping the spirit with this purple and gold. And in all fresh neighborhoods the new-comers should try to cultivate society. There is something 8 lOI MnnntvB unh Batxnl Haag^a in its attrition which stimulates the mind. Society brightens up the wits and causes the dullest mind to bring its treasures to the surface. The most graceful silver-wedding custom is for the bride and bridegroom to receive the greetings of their friends at first formally, then to leave the marriage bell or canopy of flowers and to go about among the company, becoming again host and hostess. They should spare their children, friends, and themselves tears and sad recollections. Some opulent brides and bridegrooms make it a silver wedding indeed by send- ing substantial presents to those who started in life with them but have been less fortunate than them- selves. Tin weddings, which occur after ten years have passed over two married heads, are signals for a gen- eral frolic. Not only are the usual tin utensils which can be used for the kitchen and household purposes offered, but fantastic designs and ornaments are got- ten up for the purpose of raising a laugh. One young bride received a handsome check from her father-in- law, who labelled it "Tin," and sent it to her in a tin pocket-book elaborately constructed for the purpose. One very pretty tin fender was constructed for the fireplace of another, and was not so ugly. A tin screen, tin chandeliers, tin fans, and tin tables have been offered. If these serve no other purpose, they do admirably for theatrical properties later, if the family like private plays, etc., at home. Wooden weddings occur after five years of mar- H W % > Hflibttts Antiitipraaripa riage, and afEord the bride much refurnishing of the kitchen, and nowadays some beautiful presents of wood-carving. The wooden wedding, which was be- gtm in jest with a step-ladder and a rolling-pin several years ago, now threatens to become a very splendid anniversary indeed, since the art of carving in w"od is so popular, and so much practised by men and women. Every one is ready for a carved box, picture- frame, screen, sideboard, chair, bureau, dressing-table, crib, or bedstead. Let no one be afraid to offer a bit of wood artistically carved. Everything is in order but wooden nutmegs ; they are ruled out. Presents at once unique and appropriate for a wooden wedding seem to be very cheap. Cedar tubs and bowls and pails, wooden baskets filled with flowers. Shaker rocking - chairs and seats • for the veranda, cabinets of oak, wall brackets, paintings on wood, water-colors framed in wood-carvings in bog oak, and even a load of kindling wood, have been acceptably offered. The bride can dress as gayly as she pleases at this early anniversary. CHAPTER XI LUNCHEONS, FORMAL AND SOCIAL HE informal lunch is perhaps less understood in this country than in any other, because it is rarely necessary. In the country it is called early dinner, children's dinner, or la- dies' dinner; in the city, when the gentlemen are all down -town, then blossoms out the ladies' lunch, which has all the formality elaborate of a dinner. But in England, at a country house, and indeed in London, luncheon is a recognized and very delightful meal, at which the most distinguished men and wom- en meet over a joint and a cherry tart, and talk and laugh for an hour without the restraint of the late and formal dinner. It occupies a prominent place in the history of hospitality, and Lord Houghton, among others, was famous for his unceremonious lunches. As it is un- derstood to be an informal meal, the invitations are generally sent only a short time before the day for which the recipient is invited, and are written in the first person. Lord Houghton's were apt to be simply, "Come and lunch with me to-morrow." At our prom- 104 tlrxntiftanB, Jfnrmal anb Mortal inent places of summer resort, ladies who have houses of their own generally give their male friends a carte- blancke invitation to luncheon. They are expected to avail themselves of it without ceremony, and at Newport the table is always laid with the "extra knife and fork," or two or three, as may be thought necessary. Ladies, however, should be definitely asked to this meal as to others. It is a very convenient meal, as it permits of an irregular number, of a superfluity of ladies or gentle- men; it is chatty and easy, and is neither troublesome nor expensive. The hour of Itmcheon is stated, but severe punct- uality is not insisted upon. A g^est who is told that he may drop in at half -past one o'clock every day will be forgiven if he comes a little late. Ladies may come in their hats or bonnets; gen- tlemen in lawn-tennis suits, if they wish. It is in- cumbent upon the hostess but not upon the host to be present. It is quite immaterial where the guests sit, and they go in separately, not arm in arm. According to present fashion, linen or lace doilies placed under each dish and plate are often used, in- stead of the conventional white table-cloth. The lat- ter, however, is preferred by many people and is al- ways in order. The most convenient and easy-going luncheons are served from the buffet or side-table, and the guests help themselves to cold ham, tongue, roast beef, etc. The fruit and wine and bread should be on the table. 105 tanners nnh Mortal Hnagrfl Each chair has in front of it two plates, a napkin, with bread, two knives, two forks and spoons, a small salt-cellar, and two or three glasses — a tumbler for water, a claret glass, or a sherry glass, or both. Cold bouillon is offered in simimer, but not often. If served well, it should be in cups. Dishes of dressed salad, a cold fowl, game, or hot chops can be put before the hostess or passed by the servant. Soup and fish are never offered at these luncheons. Some people prefer a hot lunch, and chops, birds on toast, or a beefsteak, and mashed potatoes, asparagus, or green pease are suitable dishes. It is proper at a country place to offer a full lunch- eon, or to have a cold joint on the sideboard; and after the more serious part of the luncheon has been removed the hostess can dismiss the servants and serve the ice-cream or tart herself, with the assistance of her guests. Clean plates, knives, and forks should be in readiness. In England a "hot joint" is always served from the sideboard. In fact, an English luncheon is ex- actly what a plain American dinner was formerly — a roast of mutton or beef, a few vegetables, a tart, some fruit, and a glass of sherry. But we have changed the practice considerably, and now otir luxurious coun- try offers nothing plain. In this country a waitress or a butler generally re- mains during the whole meal, and serves the table as he would at dinner — only with less ceremony. Some authorities say that it is perfectly proper at luncheon! io6 > CD r B o o w r c o K B O •z IdunrtfConB. ^Formal anb S'nrtal for any one to rise and help himself to what he wishes. A guest, however, would not think of doing so, except at the request of his host. Tea and coffee are never served after an informal luncheon in the drawing-room or dining-room. Peo- ple are not expected to remain long after this meal, as the lady of the house may have engagements for the afternoon. In many houses the butler arranges the luncheon- table with flowers or fruit, plates of thin bread-and- butter, jellies, creams, cakes, and preserves, a dish of cold salmon mayonnaise, and decanters of sherry and claret. He places a cold ham or chicken on the side- board, and a pitcher of ice-water on a side-table, and then leaves the dining-room, and takes no heed of the baser wants of humanity until dinner-time. An un- derman or footman takes the place of this lofty being, and waits at table. In more modest houses, where there is only a maid-servant, all arrangements for the luncheon and for expected guests should be made immediately after breakfast. If the children dine with the family at luncheon, it, of course, becomes an important meal, and should include one hot dish and a simple dessert. It is well for people living in the cotmtry, and with a certain degree of style, to study up the methods of making salads and cold dishes, for these come in so admirably for Itmcheon that they often save a hostess great mortification. By attention to small details a 107 iMattttfra anb Mortal llaagja very humble repast may be made most elegant. A sil- ver bread-basket for the thin slices of bread, a pretty cheese-dish, a napkin around the cheese, pats of but- ter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits neatly served — these things cost little, but they add a zest to the pleasures of the table. If a hot luncheon is served, it is not etiquette to put the vegetables on the table as at dinner; they should be handed by the waitress. The luncheon-table is al- ready full of the articles for dessert, and there is no place for the vegetables. The hot entries or cold en- trees are placed before the master or mistress, and each guest is asked what he prefers. The whole aspect of luncheon is thus made perfectly informal. If a lady gives a more formal lunch, and has it served a la Russe, the first entrie — ^let us say chops and green pease — is handed by the waitress, commenc- ing with the lady who sits on the right hand of the master of the house. This is followed by vegetables. Plates having been renewed, a salad and some cold chicken or ham can be offered. The servant fills the glasses with sherry or offers claret. When champagne is served at lunch, it is immediately after the first dish has been served, and claret and sherry are not then given unless asked for. After the salad a fresh plate, with a dessert-spoon and small fork, is placed before each person. It is now thought more elegant not to put these on the plate but to lay them at each place. The ice-cream, pie, or pudding is then placed in front of the hostess, who io8 Hunr^pottH. Jffnrmal anJ» Mortal cuts it, and puts a portion on each plate. After these dainties have been discussed, a glass plate, ornamental doily, and finger-bowl are placed before each guest for fruit. The servant takes the plate from his mis- tress after she has filled it, and hands it to the lady of first consideration, and so on. When only members of the family are present at luncheon, the mistress of the house is helped first by the servants. Fruit tarts, pudding, sweet omelette, jellies, blanc- mange, and ice-cream are proper desserts for luncheon, also Itmcheon cake or the plainer sorts of loaf-cake. The formal lunch for ladies reached such a pitch of extravagance a few years ago that there has been a reaction in favor of a less elaborate and therefore more wholesome bill of fare. One does not now see lunch- eons of fifteen or twenty courses. President and Mrs. Roosevelt, who frequently entertain guests at lunch, have set a good example of elegant simplicity. They possess the important requisite of a good cook. For a formal lunch, grape-fruit often constitutes the first course, followed by clam or chicken broth or bouillon served in cups. If fish is served, it comes next, then an entree — chicken, mushrooms, or sweetbreads — followed by chops with French pease or string beans, or fillet of beef. Salad with or without birds is next in order, succeeded by the usual sweet dishes^ices, bon- bons, fruit, and coffee, which is now served in the drawing-room, if the hostess chooses, the old rule being that it must be served at table at luncheon. A lunch of this sort may or may not include wine. 109 Mnnntrs nnh ^atxnl HaagfH The ices are handed by the attendant, after they have been cut in slices, so that the guests can help them- selves without difficulty. If the mid-day meal is called a breakfast, eggs in some form are usually served. It is well in all households, if possible, for the chil- dren to breakfast and lunch with their parents. The teaching of table manners cannot be begun too soon. But children should never be allowed to trouble guests, If the little people are not old enough to behave well at table, guests should not be invited to the meals at which they are present. It is very trying to parents, guests, and servants. When luncheon is to be an agreeable social repast, which guests are expected to share, then the children should dine elsewhere. No mother succeeds better in the rearing of her children than she who has a nursery dining-room, where, under her own eye, her bantlings are properly fed. It is not so much trouble, either, as one would think — and no matter if it is trouble. Table mats are no longer used in stylish houses either at luncheon or at dinner. The waitress should have a coarse towel in the butler's pantry, and wipe each dish before she puts it on the table. Menu-cards are never used at luncheon, and favors uve no longer in fashion. A sprig of sweet-scented verbena or geranium may be placed in the finger-bowl ■ --a rose or some single flower beside each plate. In our country, where servants run a^way and leave itheir mistress when she is expecting guests, it is well to be able to improvise a dish from such materials as may no SItttttljpnna, 3otmni anb lariat be at hand. Nothing is better than a cod mayonnaise. A cod boiled in the morning is a friend in the after- noon. When it is cold remove the skin and bones. For sauce put some thick cream in a porcelain sauce- pan, and thicken it with corn-flour which has been mixed with cold water. When it begins to boil, stir in the beaten yolks of two eggs. As it cools, beat it well to prevent it from becoming lumpy, and when nearly cold, stir in the juice of two lemons, a little tarragon vinegar, a pinch of salt, and a dash of Cayenne pepper. Peel and slice some very ripe tomatoes or cold potatoes; steep them in vinegar, with Cayenne, powdered ginger, and plenty of salt; lay these around the fish, and cover with the cream sauce. This makes a very elegant cold dish for luncheon. The tomatoes or potatoes should be taken out of the vinegar and carefully drained before they are placed around the fish. Some giblets carefully saved from the ducks, geese, or chickens of yesterday's dinner should be stewed in good beef stock and then set away to cool. Put them in a stewpan with dried split pease, and boil them until they are reduced to pulp; serve this mixture hot on toast, and, if properly flavored with salt and pepper, you have a good luncheon dish. Vegetable salads of beet-root, potatoes, and lettuce are always delicious, and the careful housewife who rises early in the morning and provides a round of cold corned beef, plenty of bread, and a luncheon cake need not regret the ephemeral cook or fear the coming city guest. Mnntttrs anJi Mortal llaag^a Every country housewife should learn to garnish dishes with capers, a border of water-cresses, plain parsley, or vegetables cut into fancy forms. Potatoes, eggs, and cold hashed meats, in their un- adorned simplicity, do not come under the head of luxuries. But if the hashed meat is carefully warmed, well flavored, and put on toast, if the potatoes are chopped, browned, and put around the meat, if the eggs are boiled, sliced, and laid around as a garnish, and a few capers and a border of parsley added, you have a Delmonico ragout that Brillat-Savarin would have enjoyed. CHAPTER XII THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE HE appointments of the modem dinner-table strikingly indicate that growth of luxury of which the immediate past has been so fruit- ful. Up to thirty years ago a dinner, even in the house of a merchant prince, was a plain affair. There was a white table-cloth of double damask; there were large, handsome nap- kins; there was a rich service of solid silver, and perhaps some good china. Flowers, if used at all, were not in profusion; and as for glasses, only a few of plain white, or perhaps a green or a red one for claret or hock, were placed at the side of the plate. Of course there were variations and exceptions to this rule, but they were few and far between. One man, or often one maid-servant, waited at the table; and, as a protection for the table-cloths, mats were used, implying the fear that the dish brought from the top of the kitchen-range, if set down, would leave a spot or stain. All was on a simple or economical plan. The grand dinners were served by caterers, who sent their men to wait at them, which led to the remark, often laughed at as showing English stupid- 113 (ann^ra nnh Batxnl llaag^a ity, made by the Marquis of Hartington when he visited New York at the time of our Civil War. As he looked at old Peter Van Dyck and his colored assistants, whom he had seen at every house at which he had dined, he remarked, "How much all your servants resemble each other in America!" It was really an uninten- tional sarcasm, but it might well have suggested to our nouveaux riches the propriety of having their own trained servants to do the work of their houses instead of these outside men. A mistress of a house should be capable of teach- ing her servants the method of laying a table and attending it, if she has to take, as we commonly must, the uneducated and simple Irishwoman, or an untrained peasant from some country of Continental Europe, as a house-servant. If she employs the ac- complished and well-recommended foreign servant, he is too apt to disarrange her establishment by disparag- ing the scale on which it is conducted, and to endanger a spirit of discontent in her household. Servants of a very high class, who can assume the entire manage- ment of affairs, are only possible to people of great wealth, and they become tyrants, and often wholly detestable to the master and mistress after a short slavery. One New York butler lately refused to wash dishes, telling his mistress that it would ruin his finger- nails. But this man was a consummate servant, who laid the table and attended it with an ease and grace that gave his mistress the pleasant feeling of certainty that all would go well, which is the most comfortable 114 Sijp Matiirn linn?r-tabU of all feelings to a hostess, and without which dinner- giving is an annoyance beyond all words. The arrangement of a dinner-table and the waiting upon it are the most important of all the duties of a servant or servants, and any betrayal of ignorance, any nervousness or noise, any accident, is to be de- plored, showing as it does want of experience and lack of training. No one wishes to invite his friends to be uncom- fortable. Those dreadful dinners which Thackeray de- scribes, at which people with small incomes tried to rival those of large means, will forever remain in the minds of his readers as among the most painful of all revelations of sham. We should be real first and ornamental afterwards. In a wealthy family a butler and two footmen are employed, and it is their duty to work together in harmony, the butler having control. The two foot- men lay the table, the butler looking on to see that it is properly done. The butler takes care of the wine, and stands behind his mistress's chair. Where only one man is employed, the whole duty devolves upon him, and he has generally the assistance of the parlor- maid. Where there is only a maid-servant, unless she is an accomplished butler- waitress, the mistress of the house must see that all necessary arrangements are made. The introduction of the extension-table into our long, narrow dining-rooms led to the expulsion of the pretty round-table, which is of all others the most IIS lann^rs unh ^atxul "Mbslq^b cheerful. This has been in a measure restored to public favor, and the square shape is also used. The exten- sion-table, however, is almost inevitable, and one of the ordinary size, with two leaves added, will seat twelve people. The public caterers say that every additional leaf gives room for four more people, but the hostess, in order to avoid crowding, would be wise if she tested this with her dining-room chairs. New York dinner- parties are often crowded — sixteen being sometimes asked when the table will only accommodate fourteen. This is a mistake, as heat and crowding should be avoid- ed. In country houses, or in Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, and other cities where the dining-rooms are ordinarily larger than those in New York houses, the danger of crowding, of heat, and want of ventilation is more easily avoided; but in a furnace-heated room in New York the sufferings of the diners-out are some- times terrible. The arrangements for the dinner, whether the party be ten or twenty, should be the same. Much has been said about the number to be invited, and there is an old saw that one should not invite "fewer than the Graces nor more than the Muses." This partiality to uneven numbers refers to the difficulty of seating a party of eight, in which case, if the host and hostess take the head and foot of the table, two gentlemen and two ladies will come together. But the number of the Graces being three, no worse number than that could be selected for a dinner-party; and nine would be equally uncomfortable at an extension-table, as it ii6 HOW TO FOLD THE DINN'ER NAPKIN I I -ill THE ARRANGEMENT OF A SINGLE COVER QJlfj Mahitn iinn^r-tabU would be necessary to seat three on one side and four on the other. The table with broad, square ends, at which two or three persons can sit comfortably, renders the seating of the guests an easy matter. Ten is a good munber for a small dinner, and easy to manage. One servant can wait on ten people, and do it well, if well-trained, although the service will necessarily be slow, and rapidity is now thought very desirable. Twenty-foTor people often sit down at a modern dinner- table, and are well served by a butler and two men, though some luxurious dinner-givers have a man be- hind each chair. This, however, is ostentation. A lady, if she issue invitations for a dinner of ten or twenty, should do so a fortnight in advance. A gentleman is never invited without his wife, nor a lady without her husband, unless great intimacy exists between the parties, and the sudden need of another guest makes the request imperative. The fashion of wearing low-necked dresses at dinner has become so pronounced that moralists are prone to issue weekly essays against this revival as if it had never been done before. Ovir virtuous grandmothers would be astonished to hear that their ball-dresses (never cut high) were so immoral and indecent. The fact remains that a sleeveless gown, cut in a Pompa- dour form, is far more of a revelation of figure than a low-necked dinner-dress properly made. There is no line of the figure so dear to the artist as that one re- vealed from the nape of the neck to the shoulder. A beautiful back is the delight of the sculptor. No lady 9 117 lattttprH nnh Mortal llaag^fl who understands the fine art of dress would ever have her gown cut too low; it is ugly, besides being im- modest. The persons who bring discredit on fash- ion are those who misinterpret it. The truly artistic modiste cuts a low-necked dress to reveal the fine lines of the back, but it is never in France cut too low in front. The excessive heat of an American dining-room makes this dress very much more comfortable than the high dresses which were brought in many years ago because a princess had a goitre which she wished to disguise. No fulminations against fashion have ever effected reforms. We must take fashion as we find it, and strive to mould dress to our own style, not slavishly adhering to, but respectfully following, the reigning mode. The modem married belle at a dinner is apt to be dressed in white, with much chiffon trimming, with diamonds on her neck and arms, and a crown on her head, which is not republican, and a pair of long gloves drawn up to her shoulders. The fine, stately fashion of wearing feathers in the hair has returned, and it is becoming to middle-aged women. It gives them a queenly air. Young girls look better for the simplest head-gear; they wear their hair high or low as they consider becoming. It is pleasant to see the gold chain for the neck re- appearing. It always had a pretty effect, and is now much worn to support the locket or pendant which ladies wear. Gold is more becoming to dark com- ii8 jgtfg iJDbgrtt Wxnntt-Ubit plexions than pearls, and many ladies hail this return to gold necklaces with much delight. We have spoken of the dress of ladies, which, if we were to pursue it, would lead us into all the details of velvet, satin, and brocade, and would be a departure from otu- subject; let us, therefore, glance at the gen- tlemen at a modem — most modem — dinner. The dinner-jacket, or Tuxedo coat, is superseding the reg- ulation "swallow-tail" at informal dinners. It is worn with a narrow black tie. With full evening dress, gentlemen wear the usual narrow white lawn tie, which must never be in "made-up" form. The waistcoats are cut very low, and exhibit a plain shirt- front. White, plain-pleated linen is also fashionable. Elderly gentlemen content themselves with plain- pleated shirt-fronts and white ties, indulging even in wearing their watches in the old way, as fashion has re- introduced the short vest-chain so long banished; but this is not modem fashion. The old fob of our grand- fathers is seen on very well-dressed men. The usual hour for dinner-parties in America was formerly seven o'clock. Now it is eight for ceremonious occasions at New York, Newport, and other places where EngUsh fashions are copied; but whatever the hour, the guests should take care to be punctual to the minute. In the hall the gentleman should find a card with his name and that of the lady whom he is to take in written on it. On entering the drawing- room the lady goes first, not taking her husband's arm. If the gentleman is not acquainted with the lady whom 119 IMattttgrH ani> Mortal llHaggg he is to take in to dinner, he asks his hostess to present him to her, and he endeavors to place himself on an agreeable footing with her before they enter the dining- room. When the last guest has arrived, dinner is ready, and the butler makes his annotmcement. The host leads the way, with the lady to whom the dinner is given, and the hostess follows last, with the gentle- man whom she wishes to honor. The people who enter a modem dining-room find a picttire before them, which is the result of painstaking thought, taste, and experience, and, like all works of art, worthy of study. On entering the room, at each place, as the servant draws back the chair, the guest sees a number of glass goblets, wine and champagne glasses, several forks, knives, and spoons. The napkin, deftly folded, holds a dinner-roll, which the guest immediately removes. The servants then, seeing all the guets seated, serve the oysters, and pass red and black pepper, in silver pepper- pots, on a silver tray. A small, peculiarly shaped fork is laid by each plate, at the right hand, for the oysters. Some ladies now have all their forks laid on the left hand of the plate; this, however, is not usual. After the oysters are eaten, the plates are removed, and the soup is passed. During this part of the dinner the guest has time to look at the beautiful Queen Anne silver, the hand- some lamps, if lamps are used (we may mention the fact that about twenty-six candles will well light a 3Ij? Mahsrn ittttt^r-tabb dinner of sixteen persons), and the various colors of lamp and candle shades. Then the beauty of the flowers, and, as the dinner goes on, the variety of the modem Dresden china, the Sevres, and the old blue can be discussed and admired. The service is A la Russe; that is, everything is handed by the servants. Nothing is seen on the table except the wines (and only a few of these), the bon- bons, and the fruit. No greasy dishes are allowed. At his right hand each guest finds a goblet for water, a glass of broad, flat, flaring shape for champagne, a beautiftd Bohemian green glass for the hock, a white glass for the claret, and a small wineglass for sherry. Small tumblers are used for mineral waters. It was formerly the fashion to use a large number of glasses, but this is now unnecessary, as it is the custom to drink little wine, for fear of gout and rheumatism. It is a fine art, that of giving a successful dinner. The fine art is achieved in London, and has been slow in arriving here. The vulgarism still attached to din- ners in New York is their over-length and ostentation as to flowers. We will try to see how all this picture is made, beginning at the laying of the table, the process of which we will explain in detail in the next chapter. CHAPTER XIII LAYING THE DINNER-TABLE HE table, after being drawn out to its proper length, should be covered with a cotton-flan- nel table-cloth — white, if the table-cover is the ordinary damask; red, if the open-work table-cover is to be used. This broad cotton flannel can be bought for eighty cents a yard. The table-cloth, if of white damask, should be per- fectly ironed, with one long fold down the middle, which must serve the butler for his mathematical cen- tre. No one can be astray in using fine white damask. If a lady wishes to have the more rare Russian em- broidery, the gold-embroidered, or the open-work table- cloth, she can do so, but let her not put any cloth on her table that will not wash. The mixed-up things trimmed with velvet or satin or ribbon, which are occasionally seen on vulgar tables, are detestable. Silver and silver-gilt dishes, having been banished for some years, have now reasserted their pre-eminent fitness for the modem dinner-table. People grew tired of silver, and banished it to the plate-chest. Now all the old pieces are being burnished up and are re-appearing; and happy the hostess who has some real Hagtng tljt iBtntt^r-tabb old Queen Anne. As the silver dollar loses caste, the silver soup-tureen and the teapot of our grandmothers resume their honored place. In some families one sees silver ^pergnes which are heirlooms. These are now valued for old association's sake, as are the silver candlesticks and silver compotiers. Where a family does not possess these table ornaments, a centre-piece of glass is used. The flat basket of flowers, over which the guests may talk, has not been discarded, and the decorations of a dinner-table are usually rather low. It is now thought to be more artistic to use only one kind of light, that of candles producing the softest effect; these are often used on the table, with the addi- tion of electric lights on wall brackets or high up over the table. The lighting of rooms by means of lamps and can- dles sometimes gives the hostess great annoyance. There is scarcely a dinner-party but the candles set fire to their fringed shades, and a conflagration en- sues. Then the new lamps, which give such a re- splendent light, have been known to melt the metal about the wick, and the consequences have been dis- astrous. The screens put over the candles should not have this paper fringe; it is very dangerous. But if a candle-screen takes fire, have the coolness to let it bum itself up without touching it, as thus it will be entirely innocuous, although rather appalling to look at. Move a plate under it to catch the flying frag- jnents, and no harm will be done; but a well-inten- tioned effort to blow it out or to remove it gen- 123 liannpra atti ^nrtal llaagfH erally results in a very much more wide - spread con- flagration. The table-cloth being laid, the centre and side ornaments placed, the butler sees that each footman has a clean towel on his arm, and then proceeds to unlock the plate-chest and the glass-closet. Measur- ing with his hand, from the edge of the table to the end of his middle finger, he places the first glass. This measurement is continued around the table, and secures a uniform line for the water goblet, and the claret, wine, hock, and champagne glasses, which are grouped about it. He then causes a plate to be put at each place, large enough to hold the ice-filled plate with the oysters, which will come later. One footman is detailed to fold the napkins, which should be large, thick, fine, and serviceable for this stage of the din- ner. The napkins are not folded in any hotel device, but simply in a three-cornered pyramid that will stand holding the roll or bread. The knives, forks, and spoons, each of which is wiped by the footman with his clean towel, so that no dampness of his own hand shall mar their sparkling cleanliness, are then distributed. These should be all of silver, two knives, three forks, and a soup-spoon being the usual number laid at each plate. Before each plate is placed a little salt-cellar, either of silver or china, in some fanciful shape. Menu-cards are no longer used for dinners at private houses. It is proper to have them, however, on pub- lic occasions, one being put before each person. Or one card may serve for two guests. 124 Cagtng tijt SinttPr-tabU The butler now turns his attention to his sideboards and tables, whence he is to draw his supplies. Many people make a most ostentatious display of plate and china on their sideboards, and if one has pretty things why not show them? The poorer and more modest have, on their sideboards, simply the things which will be needed. But there should be a row of large forks, a row of large knives, a row of small ones, a row of table-spoons, sauce-ladles, dessert-spoons, fish-slicer and fork, a few tumblers, rows of claret and sherry glasses, and the reserve of dinner-plates. On another table or sideboard should be placed the finger-bowls and glass dessert -plates, the smaller spoons and coffee cups and saucers. On a table in the but- ler's pantry should be the carving-knives and the first dinner-plates to be used. Here the head footman or the butler divides the fish and carves the pibce de resistance, the fillet of beef, the haunch of venison, the turkey, or the saddle of mutton. It is from this side- table that all the dinner should be served; it is some- times placed in the dining-room, where it should, if possible, be behind a screen. As the fish is being served, the first footman should offer Chablis, or some kind of white wine; with the soup, sherry; with the roast, claret and champagne, each guest being asked if he will have dry or sweet champagne where both are provided. Some persons serve the champagne when the game is put on table. As the plates are removed they should not be kept in the dining-room, but sent to the kitchen immediately, 125 tantt^ra attJi Btttxul llaag^a a maid standing outside to receive them, so that no disorder of the dinner may reach the senses of the guests, nor even an unpleasant odor. As each plate is removed a fresh plate must be put in its place — generally a very beautiful piece of Sevres, decorated with a landscape, flowers, or faces. Sparkling wines, hock and champagne, are not de- canted, but are kept in ice-pails, and opened as re- quired. On the sideboard is placed the wine decanted for use, and poured out as needed. After the game had been handed, decanters of choice Madeira and port were formerly placed before the host, who sent them round to his guests. With the diminution in the drinking of wine, this custom is going out of favor. Modem fashion has brought about a curtailment of the dinner menus and the shortening of what was once a tedious function. People who keep a chef and an establishment, have saved us from that bar- barous time when we were at the mercy of caterers, and when we knew that to each dinner We went we should have the same bill of fare. These beneficent dinner-givers ask us to a dinner which is shorter, viands better, and wines fewer than they were ten years ago, all of which is most merciful and kind to one's "to- morrow." No table-spoons should be laid on the table, except those to be used for soup, as the style of serving d. la Russe precludes their being needed; the extra spoons are put on the sideboard. Previous to the announcement of the dinner, the 126 Saving tijf St«n?r-tabU footman places the soup-tureens and the soup-plates on the side-table, in the pantry or in the dining-room. As soon as the oysters are eaten and the plates re- moved, the butler begins with the soup, and sends it roimd by two footmen, one on each side, each carry- ing two plates. Each footman should approach the guests on the left, so that the right hand may be used for taking the plate. Half a ladleful of soup is quite enough to serve. Some ladies never allow their butler to do any- thing but hand the wine, which he does at the right hand (not the left), asking each person if he will have Sauteme, dry or sweet champagne, claret. Burgundy, and so on. But really clever butlers serve the soup, carve, and pour out the wine as well. An inexperi- enced servant should never serve the wine; it must be done briskly and neatly, not explosively or care- lessly. The overfilling of the glass should be avoided, and servants should be watched, to see that they give champagne only to those who wish it, and that they do not overfill glasses for ladies, who take little or no wine in these days. A large plate-basket or two, for removing dishes and silver that have been used, are hecessary, and should not be forgotten. The butler rings a bell which communicates with the kitchen when he requires any- thing, and after each entrie or course he thus gives the signal to the cook to send up another. Hot dinner-plates are prepared when the fish is re- moved, and on these hot plates the butler serves all 127 iWattttgrg unh Mortal Haag^a the meats; the guests are also served with hot plates before the entrees, except pdtS de foie gras, for which a cold plate is necessary. Some discretion should be shown by the servant who passes the entrees. A large table-spoon and fork should be on the dish which is placed upon a napkin, on the flat of the servant's hand. It is then held low, so that the guest may help himself easily, the servant standing at his left hand. A napkin should be wrapped around the champagne bottle, as it is often drip- ping with moisture from the ice-chest. It is the but- ler's duty to make the salad, which he should do about half an hour before dinner. At some dinners there are so many provocatives of appetite that it would seem as if we were, after the manner of Heliogabalus, deter- mined to eat or die. The best of these is the Roman pimch, which, coming after the heavy roasts, prepares the palate and stomach for the canvas-back ducks or other game. Then comes the salad and cheese, then the ices and sweets, and then cheese savourie or cheese fondu. This is only toasted cheese, in a very elegant form, and is served in little silver shells, sometimes as early in the dinner as just after the oysters, but the favorite time is after the sweets. The dessert is followed by the liqueurs, which should be poured into very small glasses, and handed by the butler on a small silver waiter. It is at the pleasure of the hostess whether or not this is handed at the table or in the drawing-room. When the ices are removed, a dessert-plate of glass, with a finger-bowl, 128 Caging tljtp itnttPr-tabU is placed before each person, and the grapes, peaches, pears, and other fruits are then passed. After the fruits go round, the sugar-plums and a little dried ginger — a very pleasant conserve — are passed before the coffee. The hostess makes the sign for retiring, and the dinner breaks . up. The gentlemen are left to wine and cigars, liqueurs and cognac, and the ladies retire to the drawing-room to chat and take their coffee. In the selection of the floral decoration for the table the lady of the house has the final voice. Flowers which have a very heavy fragrance should not be used. That roses and pinks, violets and lilacs, are stiitable, goes without saying, for they are always dehghtful; but the heavy tropical odors of jasmine, orange-blos- som, hyacinth, and tuberose should be avoided. A very pretty decoration is obtained by using flowers of one color, such as Jacqueminot roses, or scarlet car- nations, which, if placed in the gleaming crystal glass, produce a very brilliant and beautiful effect. Flowers should not be put on the table until just before dinner is served, as they are apt to be wilted by the heat and the lights. Faded flowers can be entirely restored to freshness by clipping the stems and putting them in very hot water; then set them away from the ftimace-heat, and they come on the dinner-table fresh for several days after their disappearance in disgrace as faded or jaded bouquets. Flowers thus restored have been put in a cold Ubrary, where the water, once hot, has frozen 129 MunnttB nni ^ati^i Mstn^tB stiff, and yet have borne these two extremes of tem- perature without loss of beauty — in fact, have lasted presentably from Monday morning to Saturday night. What flowers cannot stand is the air we all live in — at what cost to our freshness we find out in the spring — ^the overheated furnace and the air of the modem dining-room. The secret of the hot-water treatment is said to be this: the sap is sent up into the flower in- stead of lingering in he stems. Roses respond to this treatment wonderfully. More and more is it becoming the fashion to have music at the end of a dinner in the drawing-room, in- stead of having it played during dinner. Elocution- ists are sometimes asked in to amuse the guests, who, having been fed on terrapin and canvas-back ducks, are not supposed to be in a talking mood. This may be overdone. Many people like to talk after dinner with the men and women who are thus accidentally brought together, for in our large cities the company assembled about a dinner-table are very often fresh acquaintances who like to improve that opportunity to know one an- other better. CHAPTER XIV SIMPLE DINNERS O achieve a perfect little dinner with small means at command is said to be a great in- tellectual feat. Dinner means so much — a French cook, several accomplished servants, a very well-stocked china-closet, plate-chest, and linen-chest, and flowers, wines, bonbons, and so on. But we have known many simple little dinners given by young couples with small means which were far more enjoyable than the gold and sil- ver "diamond" dinners. Given, first, a knowledge of how to do it; a good cook; a neat maid-servant in cap and apron — if the gentleman has a good bottle of claret and another of champagne, or neither, if he disapproves of them; if the house is neatly and quietly furnished; if the wel- come is cordial, and there is no noise, no fussy pre- tence — ^these little dinners are very enjoyable, and every one is anxious to be invited to them. But people are frightened off from simple entertain- ments by the splendor of the great, luxurious dinners given by the very rich. It is a foolish fear. The lady who wishes to give a simple but good dinner has first 131 tann?r0 a«i» hartal Haag^fl to consult what is seasonable. She must offer the din- ner of the season, not seek for those strawberries in February which are always sour, nor peaches in June, nor pease at Christmas. Forced fruit is never good. For an autumnal small dinner here is a very good menu: Sherry Oysters on the half-shell Soupe h la Reine Blue-fish, broiled Filet de Bceuf aux Cham- pignons Chablis Hock Champagne or — Roast Beef or Mutton Roast Partridges Salad of Tomatoes Cheese Claret Burgundy or Sherry Ices, Jellies, Fruit, Coffee, Liqueurs Of course, in these days, claret and champagne are considered qtiite enough for a small dinner, and one need not offer the other wines. Or a very good din- ner may be given with claret alone. A table claret to add to the water is almost the only wine drunk in France or Italy at an every-day dinner. Of course no wine at all is expected at the tables of those whose principles forbid alcoholic beverages, and who never- theless give excellent dinners without them. ApoUi- naris or some other sparkling table-water should be served in this case. 132 AN ATIRACTIVIi WAV OF SERVING SHERBET A UAINTV WINE SERVICE g'trnpl? Sinn^ra A perfectly fresh white damask table-cloth, napkins of equally delicate fabric, spotless glass and silver, pretty china, perhaps one high glass dish crowned with fruit and flowers — sometimes only the fruit — chairs that are comfortable, a room not too warm, the dessert served in good taste, but not overloaded — this is all one needs. The essentials of a good dinner are but few. The informal dinner invitations should be written by the lady herself in the first person. She may send for her friends only a few days before she wants them to come. She should be ready five minutes before her guests arrive, and in the parlor, serene and cool, "mis- tress of herself, though china fall." She should see herself that the dinner-table is properly laid, the cham- pagne and sherry thoroughly cooled, the places marked out, and, above all, the guests properly seated. "Ay, there's the rub." To invite the proper people to meet one another, to seat them so that they can have an agreeable conversation, that is the trying and cru- cial test. Little dinners are social; little dinners are informal; little dinners make people friends. And we do not mean little in regard to numbers or to the amount of good food; we mean simple dinners. All the good management of a young hostess or an old one cannot prevent accident, however. The wait- ress may fall and break a dozen of the best plates ; the husband may be kept down-town late, and be dressing in the very room where the ladies are to take off their cloaks (American houses are frightfully inconvenient lo 133 Munntts nnh Mortal Kaag^fl in this respect). All that the hostess can do is to pre- serve an invincible calm, and try not to care — at least not to show that she cares. But after a few attempts the giving of a simple dinner becomes very easy, and it is the best compliment to a stranger. A gentleman travelling to see the customs of a country is much more pleased to be asked to a modest repast where he meets his hostess and her family than to a state dinner where he is ticketed off and made merely one at a banquet. Then the limitations of a dinner can be considered. It is not kind to keep guests more than an hour, or two hours at the most, at table. French dinners rarely exceed an hour. English dinners are too long and too heavy, although the conversation is apt to be brilliant. A simple dinner can be made short. It is better to serve coffee in the drawing-room, al- though if the host and hostess are agreed on this point, and the ladies can stand smoke, it is served at table, and the gentlemen light their cigarettes. The practice of the ladies retiring first is an English one, and the French consider it barbarous. Whether we are growing more French or not, we seem to be beginning to do away with the separation after din- ner. It is the custom at informal dinners for the lady to help the soup and for the gentleman to carve; there- fore the important dishes are put on the table. But the servants who wait should be taught to have side- tables and sideboards so well placed that anything 134 ^tmpb Sinn^ra can be removed immediately after it is finished. A screen is a very useful adjunct in a dining-room. Inefficient servants have a disagreeable habit of run- ning in and out of the dining-room in search of some- thing that should have been in readiness; therefore the lady of the house had better see beforehand that bread or a roll is placed under every napkin, and a sil- ver basketful or plateful ready in reserve. The powdered sugar, the butter, the olives, the reUshes, should all be thought of and placed where each can be readily found. Servants should be taught to be noiseless and to avoid a hurried manner. In placing anything on or taking anything ofiE a table a servant should never reach across a person seated at table. However hurried the servant may be, or how- ever near at hand the article, she should be taught to walk quietly to the left hand of each guest to remove things, while she should pass everything in the same manner. Servants should have a silver or plated knife- tray to remove the gravy-spoon and carving knife and fork before removing the platter. All the silver should be thus removed; it makes a table much neater. Ser- vants should be taught to put a plate and spoon or fork at every place before each course after the original sup- ply has been exhausted. After the meats and before the pie, pudding, or ices, the table should be carefully cleared of everything but fruit and flowers — all plates, glasses, carafes, salt- cellars, knives and forks, and whatever pertains to the dinner should be removed, and the table-cloth well I3S lann^rjs and hartal T&au^ts cleared with crumb-scraper or napkin on a silver waiter, and then the plates, glasses, spoons, and forks laid at each place for the dessert. If this is done every day, it adds to a common dinner, and trains the waitress to her work. The dinner, the dishes, and the plates should all be hot. The ordinary plate-warmer is now superseded by something far better, in which a hot brick is intro- duced. The most recherche dinner is spoiled if hot mutton is put on a cold plate. The silver dishes should be heated by hot water in the kitchen, the hot dinner - plates must be forthcoming from the plate- warmer, nor must the roasts or entrees be allowed to cool on their way from the kitchen to the dining-room. A servant should have a thtraib-napkin with which to hand the hot dishes, and a clean towel behind the screen with which to wipe the platters which have been sent up on the dumb-waiter. On these trifles depend the excellence of the simple dinner. CHAPTER XV SUMMER DINNERS extend it. HERE is a season when the lingerers in town accept with pleasure an invitation to the neigh- boring country house, where the lucky sub- urbanite likes to entertain his friends. It is to be doubted, however, whether hospital- ity is an unmixed pleasure to those who With each blessing of prosperity comes an attendant evil, and a lady who has a country house has always to face the fact that her servants are apt to decamp in a body on Saturday night, and leave her to take care of her guests as best she may. The nearer to town the greater the necessity for running a ser- vants' omnibus, which shall take the departing offend- er to the train, and speed the arrival of her suc- cessor. No lady should attempt to entertain in the country who has not a good cook and a very competent butler or waitress. The latter, if well trained, is in every respect as good as a man, and in some respects more desirable; women-servants are usually quiet, neater than men-servants, as a rule, and require less waiting upon. Both men and women should be required to 137 jMattttgra anh Mortal llHaggfi wear shoes that do not creak, and to be immaculately neat in their attire. Maid-servants should always wear caps and white aprons, and men dress-coats, white cravats, and perfectly fresh hnen. As the dinners of the opulent, who have butler, footmen, French cook, etc., are quite able to take care of themselves, we prefer to write for those of our readers who live in a simple manner, with two or three servants, and who wish to entertain with hospitality and without great expense. The dining-room of many country houses is small and not cheerfully furnished. The houses built re- cently are improved in this respect, however, and now we will imagine a large room that has a pretty outlook on the Hudson, carpeted with fragrant matting, or with a hard-wood floor on which lie India rugs. The table should be oval, as that shape brings guests near to one another. Both square and round tables are now used, however. The table-cloth should be of white damask, and as fresh as sweet clover, for dinner. The chairs should be easy, with high, not slanting backs. For summer, cane chairs are much the most comfort- able, although those covered with leather are very nice. Some people prefer arm-chairs at dinner, but the arms are inconvenient to many, and, besides, take a great deal of room. The armless dinner-chairs are the best, except for the lame and the lazy. Now, as a dinner in the country generally occurs after the gentlemen come from town, the matter of light has to be considered. Few country houses have 138 g'ttmrnpr Sinn^ra gas. Even if they have, it would be very hot, and at- tract mosquitoes. If our late brilliant sunsets do not supply enough, how shall we light our siimmer din- ners? The cool, delightful electric light answers this query in the twentieth century. Candles are very pretty, but exceedingly trouble- some. The wind blows the flame to and fro; the insects flutter into the light; an unhappy moth seats himself on the wick, and burning into an unsightly cadaver makes a gutter down one side; the little paper or silk shades take fire, and there is a general conflagration. Yet light is positively necessary to digestion, and no party can be cheerful without it. Therefore, try Carcel or moderator lamps with pretty, transparent shades, or a hanging lamp with ground- glass shade. These lamps, filled with kerosene — and it must be done neatly, so that it will not smell — are the best lamps for the country dinner. If possible, how- ever, have a country dinner by the light of day; it is much more cheerful. Now for the ornamentation of the dinner. Let it be of flowers — ^wild ones, if possible, grasses, clovers, buttercups, and a few fragrant roses or garden flow- iers. There is no end to the cheap decorative china articles that are sold now for the use of flowers. Stout pitchers, glass bowls, china bowls, and even old tea- pots, make pretty flower-holders. The Greek vase, the classic - shaped, old-fashioned champagne glass, are, however, unrivalled for the light grasses, field daisies, and fresh garden flowers. 139 lanw^ra attb ^nrtal laag^a Pretty, modern English china, the cheap "old blue," the white and gold, or the French, with a colored bor- der, are all good enough for a country dinner; for if people have two houses, they do not like to take their fragile, expensive china to the country. Prettily shaped tureens and vegetable dishes add very much to the comfort and happiness of the diners, and fortu- nately they are cheap and easily obtained. Glass should always be thin and fine, and tea and coffee cups delicate to the lip. For a coimtry dinner the table should be set near a window or windows, if possible; in fine weather on the wide veranda. If the veranda is open, or has long windows, the servant can pass in and out easily. There should be a sideboard and a side -table, relays of knives, forks, and spoons, dishes and glasses not in use, and a table from which the servant can help the soup and carve the joint, as on a hot day no one wishes to see these two dishes on the table. A maid-servant should be taught by her mistress how to carve, in order to save time and trouble. Soup for a country dinner should be clear bouillon, crkme d'asperge, or Julienne, which has in it all the vegetables of the season. Heavy mock-turtle, bean, or ox-tail soup are not in order for a country dinner. If the lady of the house have a talent for cookery, she should have her soups made the day before, all the grease removed when the stock is cold, and season them herself. A recent novelty is a tenderloin of beef, with a ring about it of stewed cherries, interspersed with parsley 140 ^umntpr linn^ra or water-cress leaves. This is very pretty, arranged in a long dish. It is better in a country house to have some cold dish that will serve as a resource if the cook should leave. Melton veal, which can be prepared on Mon- day and which will last until Saturday, is an ex- cellent stand-by; and a cold boiled or roast ham should always be in the larder. A hungry man can make a comfortable dinner of cold ham and a baked potato. Every cotmtry householder should try to have a vegetable garden, for pease, beans, young turnips, and salads fresh gathered are very superior to those which even the best grocer furnishes. And of all the lux- iiries of a country dinner the fresh vegetables are the greatest. Especially does the tired citizen, fed on the esculents of the comer grocery, delight in the green pease, the crisp lettuce, the undefiled straw- berries. One old epicure of New York asks of his cotmtry friends only a piece of boiled salt pork with vegetables, a potato salad, some cheese, five large strawberries, and a cup of coffee. The large family of salads help to make the country dinner delightful. Given a clear beef soup, a slice of fresh-boiled salmon, a bit of spring lamb with mint sauce, some green pease and fresh potatoes, a salad of lettuce, or sliced toma- toes, or potatoes with a bit of onion, and you have a dinner fit for a Brillat-Savarin; or vary it with a pair of broiled chickens, and a jardiniere made of all the pease, beans, potatoes, cauliflower, fresh beets, of the 141 Mnnntra unh hartal lloag^a day before, simply treated to a bath of vinegar and oil and pepper and salt. The lady who has conquered the salad question may laugh at the caprices of cooks and defy the hour at which the train leaves. What so good as an egg salad for a hungry com- pany? Boil the eggs hard and slice them, cover with a mayonnaise dressing, and put a few lettuce leaves about the plate, and you have a sustaining meal. Many families have cold meats and warm vegetables for their mid-day dinner during the summer. This is not healthy. Let all the dinner be cold if the meats are; and a dinner of cold roast beef, of salad, and cold asparagus, dressed with pepper, oil, and vinegar, is not a bad meal. It is better for almost everybody, however, to eat a hot dinner, even in hot weather, as the digestion is aided by the friendly power of the caloric. Indeed, dyspepsia, almost universal with Americans, is attrib- uted to the habit which prevails in this coimtry above all others of drinking ice-water. Carafes of ice-water, a silver dish for ice, and a pair of ice-tongs should be put on the table for a summer dinner. For desserts there is an almost endless suc- cession, and with cream in her dairy and a patent ice- cream freezer in her kitchen, the housekeeper need not lack delicate and delicious dishes of berries and fruits. No hot puddings should be served, or heavy pies ; but the fruit tart is an excellent sweet ; the pastry should melt in the mouth, and the fruit be stewed with a great deal of sugar. Cream should be put on 142 ^wmtttfr Itttttfra the table in large glass pitchers, for it is a great luxury of the country and of the summer season. The cold custards, charlotte - russe, and creams stiffened with gelatine and delicately flavored are very nice for a summer dinner. So is home-made cake, when well made; this, indeed, is always its only "excuse for being." Stewed fruit is a favorite dessert in England, and the gooseberry, which here is but little used, is much liked there. Americans prefer to eat fruit fresh, and therefore have not learned to stew it. Stewing is, however, a branch of cookery well worth the atten- tion of a first-class housekeeper. It makes even the canned abominations better, and the California canned apricot stewed with sugar is one of the most delight- ful of sweets, and very wholesome; canned peaches stewed with sugar lose the taste of tin, which sets the teeth on edge, and stewed currants are delicious. Every housekeeper should learn to cook macaroni well. It is worth while to spend hours in study to learn how to make it, for this Italian staple is economical and extremely palatable if properly prepared. Rice, too, shotdd have a place in a strmmer bill of fare, as an occasional substitute for potatoes, which some peo- ple cannot eat. For summer dinners there should never be any- thing on the table when the guests sit down but the flowers and the dessert, the ice-pitchers or carafes, and bowls of ice, the glass, china, and silver; the last three should all be simple, and not profuse. M3 Many families, fearing burglars, now use only plated spoons, knives, forks, and dishes at their country houses. Modem plate is so very good that there is less objection to this than formerly; but the genuine housekeeper loVes the real silver spoons and forks, and prefers to use them. The ostentatious display of silver, however, is in bad taste at a country dinner. Glass dishes are much more elegant and appropriate, and quite expensive enough to bear the title of luxuries. Avoid all greasy and heavy dishes in summer. Good roast-beef, mutton, lamb, veal, chickens, and fresh fish are always in order, for the system craves the support of these solids in summer as well as in winter; but do not offer pork, unless in the most delicate form, and then in small quantities. Fried salt pork, if not too fat, is always a pleasant addition to the broiled bird. Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled Steaks and chops, are always satisfactory. The grid- iron made St. Lawrence fit for heaven, and its quali- ties have been elevating and refining ever since. Noth- ing can be less healthy or less agreeable to the taste at a summer dinner than fried food. The frying-pan should have been thrown into the fire long ago, and burned up. The housekeeper living near the sea has an ample store to choose from in the toothsome crab, clam, lob- ster, and other shellfish. The fresh fish, the roast clams, etc., take the place of the devilled kidneys and broiled bones of the winter. But every housewife 144 Summer Stnti^ra should study the markets of her neighborhood. In many naral districts the butchers give away, or throw to the dogs, sweetbreads and other morsels which are the very essence of luxury. Calf's head is rejected by the rural buyer, and a Frenchman who had the physi- ologie du go-dt at his finger-ends, declared that in a country place, not five miles from New York, he gave luxurious dinners on what the butcher threw away. CHAPTER XVI TEAS AND RECEPTIONS FTERNOON tea, in small cities or in the country, in villages and academic towns, can well be made a most agreeable and ideal en- tertainment for the official presentation of a daughter or for the means of seeing one's friends. In the busy winter season of a large city it should not be made the excuse for giving up the evening party, or the dinner, lunch, or ball. It is not all these, it is simply itself, and it should be a refuge for those women who are tired of balls, of over-dressing, dancing, visiting, and shopping. It is also very dear to the young, who find the convenient tea-table a good arena for flirtation. It is a form of entertainment which allows one to dispense with etiquette and save time. In giving a large afternoon tea, for which cards have been sent out, the hostess should stand near the draw- ing-room door and greet each guest, who, after a few words, passes on. Where her daughters or other ladies receive with her, they stand at her right. When a butler is employed, he asks the names of the ladies in the hall, and announces these, as they enter the drawing-room, 146 Etna anb l&itiptxonB In the adjoining room, usually the dining-room, a large table is spread with a white cloth, and at one end is a tea-service with a kettle of water boiling over an alcohol lamp, while at the other end is a service for chocolate. The fashion of having no cloth is a very pretty one, for those who possess a handsome polished dining-table. There should be flowers and candles on the table, and dishes containing bread-and-butter cut as thin as a shaving. Sandwiches in infinite variety are now popular for teas. Cake and bonbons are al- ways permissible. One or two servants should be in attendance to carry away soiled cups and saucers and to keep the table looking fresh; but for the pouring of the tea and chocolate there should always be a lady, who, Uke the hostess, should wear a gown closed to the throat; for nothing is worse form nowadays than fvdl dress before dinner. The ladies of the house should not wear bonnets. Since the hostess cannot leave her post until all her guests have arrived, she usually has two or three friends who assist her by going about among the guests, and seeing that their wants are attended to. When tea is served every afternoon at five o'clock, whether or no there are visitors, as is the case in many houses, the servant — who, if a woman, should always in the afternoon wear a plain black gown, with a white cap and apron — should place a small, low table before the lady of the house, and lay over it a pretty white cloth. She should then bring in a large tray, upon which are the tea-service and a plate of bread- and-butter, or cake, or both, place it upon the table, 147 MunniVB nnli Mortal Haag^fl and retire — remaining within call, though out of sight, in case she should be needed. The best rule for mak- ing tea is the old-fashioned one: "One teaspoonful for each person and one for the pot." The pot should first be rinsed with hot water, then the tea put in, and upon it should be poured enough water, actually boiling, to cover the leaves. This decoction should not stand for more than three minutes; then fill up the pot with more boiling water, and pour it immediately. It is better to transfer it to another pot, as tannin, an injurious substance, is drawn from the leaves, if the water is allowed to stand upon them longer than the time just specified. Plenty of hot water should be provided, as it is the fashion to drink very weak tea at five o'clock. Some persons prefer lemon in their tea to cream, and it is a good plan to have some thin slices, cut for the purpose, placed in a pretty little dish on the tray. A bowl of cracked ice is also a pleasant addition in summer, iced-tea being a most re- freshing drink in hot weather, although it is apt to be bitter, unless very carefully prepared. Neither plates nor napkins need appear at this informal and cosey meal. A guest arriving at this time in the afternoon should always be offered a cup of tea. Five-o'clock teas should be true to their name, nor should any other refreshment be offered than tea, bread- and-butter, and little cakes or fancy crackers. If other eatables are offered, the tea becomes a reception. Indeed, the two so closely resemble each other, that it is sometimes hard to draw the line between them. 148 Qlftta anlt H^r^ttttona An afternoon reception is more formal than a tea. The invitations are usually given out longer before- hand, and the hostess and her assistants are more elaborately dressed. Ice-cream or frapp^ is served, and bouillon in cold weather. Salads, oysters, etc. may also be provided, in addition to the ever-popular cup of tea. It is thought to be in better taste not to serve an elaborate collation, since this would interfere with the late dinner which has now become universal in our large cities. There is a high tea, which takes the place of dinner on Sunday evenings in cities; this is a very pretty entertainment. In small rural cities, in the country, it may take the place of dinners. These high teas were formerly very fashionable in Philadelphia. It gave an opportunity to ofEer hot rolls and butter, escalloped oysters, fried chicken, delicately sliced cold ham, waffles and hot cakes, preserves — alas! since the days of canning who offers the delicious preserves of the past? The hostess sits in state behind her silver urn, and poiirs the hot tea or coflEee or chocolate, and presses the guest to take another waffle. It is a de- lightful meal, and has no prototype in any country but our own. It is doubtful, however, whether the high tea will ever be popular in America — in large cities at least, where the custom of eight-o'clock dinner prevails. CHAPTER XVII BALLS AND DANCES HOSTESS must not use the word "ball" on her invitation-cards. She must express her invitation in some way which indicates the nature of the entertainment, without using the word "ball." The latter is considered correct only in the case of a public function ; the private hostess is "at home," or " requests the pleasure " of her guests' company. She may say: Mrs. John Brown requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs. Amos Sm.ith on Thursday evening, November the twenty-second at ten o'clock Dancing R.S.V.P. ox- Mrs. John Brown At Home Thursday evening, November the twenty-second at ten o'clock Cotillion at eleven R.S.V.P. But she should not indicate further the purpose of her party. In New York, where young ladies are in- troduced to society by means of a ball at Delmonico's, ISO Ualla anb Sanrta or some other assembly rooms, the invitation is fre- quently worded: * Mr. and Mrs. John Brown request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Smith's company on Thursday evening, November the twenty-second at nine o'clock Delmonico's The name of the young debutante is sometimes (al- though not always) included. If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances, or to strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is enclosed to gentlemen, that of both the gentleman and his wife to ladies and gentlemen, if it is a first invitation. A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceeding- ly well ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is the height of the gayety of the day; and although dinner calls for handsome dress, a ball demands it. Young persons of slender figure prefer light, diaphanous dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet and brocade. Jewels are in order. The great number of bouquets sent to a debutante is often embarrassing. Gentlemen who have not selected partners before the ball come to their hostess and ask to be presented to ladies who will dance with them. As a hostess cannot leave her place while receiving, and people * The host's name appears on the invitation, when it is an evening entertainment. M^nntvB anh foetal llsag^a come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or three well-known society friends to receive with her, who will take this part of her duty off her hands, for no hostess likes to see "wall-flowers" at her ball: she wishes all her young people to enjoy themselves. At assembly balls a number of young men may make the introductions, thus acting as masters of ceremony. Well-bred young men always say to the hostess that they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may be without partners, as they would gladly make them- selves useful to her. After dancing with a lady, and walking about the room with her for a few times, a gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the young lady back to her chaperon and plead another engagement. A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of convenience for those who wish to remain seated. In Europe, where the elderly are first considered, seats are placed around the room, somewhat high, for the chap- erons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. These red- covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are brought in by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for the crowded musicals or readings so common in large cities), and are very convenient. It is strange that all large halls are not furnished with them, as they make every one comfortable at very Uttle expense, and add to the ap- pearance of the room. A row of well-dressed ladies, in velvet, brocade, and diamonds, some with white hair, certainly forms a very distinguished background for those who sit at their feet. Supper is generally served all the evening from a 152 ^allB anb Battr^B table on which flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver, and glass are displayed, and which is loaded with hot oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game pdtSs, salads, ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement of the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of bomllon, is served again for those who dance the german. But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not served tmtil she gives the word, when her husband leads the way with the most distingtdshed lady present, the rest of the company following. In this case the supper is often served in courses, the guests sitting at small tables. The hostess rarely goes in to supper until every one has been served. She takes the opportunity of walking about her ballroom to see if every one is happy and attended to. If she does go to supper, it is in order to accompany some distinguished guest — like the President, for instance. This is, however, a point which may be left to the tact of the hostess. A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom engagements, but she should be sure not to do so. She must be careful not to offend one gentleman by refusing to dance with him, and then accepting the ofiEer of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls, injure a yovmg man's feelings unnecessarily, and prove that the young lady has not had the training of a gentlewoman. A young man should not forget if he has asked a young lady for a dance, especially if it is the cotillion. He may send her a bouquet, although this is not now considered obligatory, and must be on 153 MunnttB unh Mortal "M.&UQta hand to dance with her. If kept away by sickness or a death in his family, he must send her a note before the appointed hour. It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess at a ball, if you leave early in the evening, while she is much occupied with other guests. Should she be standing near the door, however, one should endeavor to make one's adieus. All that she requires of you is to speak to her on entering, and to make yourself as agreeable and happy as you can while in her house. Young men are not always as polite as they should be at balls. They ought, if well-bred, to look about and see if any lady has been left unattended at supper, to ask if they can go for refreshments, if they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a carriage, etc. It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has rot been introduced; the roof is a sufficient introduction for any such purpose. The first persons asked to dance by the young gen- tlemen invited to a house should be the daughters of the house. To them and to their immediate rela- tives and friends must the first attention be paid. It is not wise for young ladies to join in every dance, nor should a young chaperon dance, leaving her prot^g^e sitting. The very bad American custom of sending several young girls to a ball with a very young chaperon — perhaps one of their number who has just been married — has led to great vulgarity in our American city life, not to say to that general misapprehension of foreigners which offends without 154 1BaU0 anh lan«a correcting our national vanity. A mother should en- deavor to attend balls with her daughters, and to stay as long as they do. But many mothers say, "We are not invited; there is not room for us." Then her daughters should not accept. It is a very poor Ameri- can custom not to invite the mothers. Let a lady give two or three dances, if her list is so large that she can only invite the daughters if she give but one. Some fathers accompany their daughters to a dance, when the mother is not invited. Or several girls go together. At a dance given in a public assembly room, the pa- tronesses sometimes act as chaperons, and a girl should certainly avail herself of their protection or assistance, should she need it. Thus it prevents much awkward- ness if a young lady can say, at the end of a dance, "Please leave me with Mrs. So-and-so." It is very disagreeable for a girl to be left alone in a crowded ballroom, yet she does not wish to detain a young man who may have other engagements. A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put five hundred people into a hot room, with no chairs to rest in, and little air to breathe, is to apply a very cruel test to friendship. It is this impossibility of putting one's "five hundred dear friends" into a nar- row house which has led to the giving of balls at pub- lic rooms — an innovation which shocked a French- woman of rank who married an American. "You have no safeguard for society in America," she observed, "but your homes. No aristocracy, no king, no court, no traditions, but the sacred one of home. Now, do tattnsrB nnh Mortal llaagpa you not run great risks when you abandon your homes and bring out your girls at a hotel?" There is some- thing in her wise remarks; and with the carelessness of chaperonage in cities which are now largely popu- lated by irresponsible foreigners the dangers increase. The first duty of a gentleman on entering a ball- room is to make his bow to the lady of the house and to her daughters, shaking hands with his hostess if she receives her guests in this cordial way. Young ladies usually only courtesy or bow, unless the man is an old friend; he should then strive to find his host — a very difficult business sometimes. Young men are to be very much censured, however, who do not find out their host, and insist on being presented to him. Pa- terfamilias in America is sometimes thought to hold a very insignificant place in his own house, and be good for nothing but to draw checks. This is indica- tive of a very low social condition, and no man invited to a gentleman's house should leave it until he has made his bow to the head thereof. It is proper for intimate friends to ask for invita- tions for other friends to a ball, particularly for young gentlemen who are "dancing men." More prudence should be exercised in asking in behalf of ladies, but the hostess has always the privilege of saying that her list is full, if she does not wish to invite her friends' friends. No offence should be taken if this refusal be given politely. CHAPTER XVIII SUPPER-PARTIES FTER a long retirement into the shades, the supper-party, the "sit-down supper," once so dear to our ancestors, has been again re- vived. The suppers at private houses, which went out of fashion by reason of the con- venience and popularity of the great restau- rants, have been resumed. The very late dinners in large cities have, no doubt, also prevented the supper from being a favorite entertainment; but there is no reason (except the disapproval of doctors) why sup- pers should not be in fashion in the country, or where people dine early. In England, where digestions are better than here, and where people eat more heavily, "the suppef-tray" is an institution, and suppers are generally spread in every English country house; and we may acknowledge the fact that the supper— the little supper so dear to the hearts of our friends of the eighteenth century — seems to be coming again into fashion here. Nothing can be more significant than that Harper's Bazar receives many letters asking for directions for setting the table for supper, and for the proper service of the meats which are to gayly IS7 Munntvs anJi ^arial Maag^a cover the cloth and enrich this always pleasant repast. In a general way the same service is proper at a supper as at a dinner, with the single exception of the soup-plates. Oysters on the half -shell and bouillon served in cups are the first two courses. If a hot sup- per is served, the usual dishes are sweetbreads, with green pease, cotelettes h la financitre, and some sort of game in season, such as reed-birds in autumn, canvas- back ducks, venison, or woodcock; salads of every kind are in order, and are often served with the game. Then ices and fruit follow. There is, of course, the informal supper, at which the dishes are all placed on a table together, as for a supper at a large ball. Meats, dressed salmon, chicken croquettes, salads, jellies, and ices are a part of the alarming mixture of which a guest is expected to partake, with only such discrimination as may be dictated by prudence or inclination. But this is not the "sit-down," elegant supper so worthy to be re- vived, with its courses and its etiquette and its brill- iant conversation, which was the delight of our grand- mothers. A large centre-piece of flowers, with fruit and can- dies in glass compotiers, and high forms of nougat, and other sugar devices, are suitable standards for an ele- gant supper-table. Three sorts of wine may be placed on the table in handsome decanters — claret, sherry or Madeira, and Burgundy. The guests find oysters on the half-shell, with little fish-forks, all ready for them, 158 ^upp^r-parttPH or oyster cocktails — i.e. , dressed with catsup in a glass. The napkin and bread are laid at the side or in front of each plate. These plates being removed, other plain plates are put in their place, and cups of bouillon are served, with gold teaspoons. This course passed, other plates are put before the guest, and some chicken croqiiettes or lobster farci is passed. Sherry or Madeira should already have been served with the oysters. With the third course iced champagne is offered. Then follow game, or fried oysters, salads, and a slice of p&ti de foie gras, with perhaps tomato salad; and sub- sequently ices, jellies, fniit, and coffee, and for the gentlemen a glass of brandy or cordial. Each course is taken away before the next is presented. Birds and salad are served together. There is a much simpler supper possible, which is often offered by a hospitable hostess after the opera or theatre. It consists of a few oysters, a pair of cold roast chickens, a dish of lobster or plain salad, with perhaps a glass of champagne, and one sort of ice- cream, and involves very little trouble or expense. There should be, however, the same etiquette as to the changing of plates, knives, and forks, etc., as in the more elaborate meal. The good housekeeper who gives a supper every evening to her hungry family may learn many an appetizing device by reading English books of cook- ery on this subject. A hashed dish of the meat left from dinner, garnished with parsley, a potato salad, a few slices of cold corned-beef or ham, some pickled IS9 iiattn^ra a«h i'nrtal Haag^a tongues, bread, butter, and cheese, with ale or cider, is the supper ofEered at nearly every English house in the cotintry. The silver and glass, the china and the fruit, should be as carefully attended to as for a dinner, and every- thing should be as neat and as elegant as possible, even at an informal supper. Oysters, that universal food of the American, are in- valuable for a supper. Fried oysters diffuse a dis- agreeable odor through the house, therefore they are not as convenient in a private dwelling as creamed oysters, which send forth no odor when cooking. Broiled oysters are very delicate, and are a favorite dish at an informal supper. Broiled birds and broiled bones are great delicacies, but they must be prepared by a very good cook. Chicken in various forms — hashed, fried, cold, or in salad — is useful; veal may be utilized for all these things, if chicken is not forth- coming. The delicately treated chicken livers also make a very good dish, and mushrooms on toast are perfect in their season. Hot vegetables are never served, except green pease with some other dish. Beef, except in the form of a fillet, is never seen at a "sit-down" supper, and even a fillet is rather too heavy. Lobster in every form is a favorite sup- per delicacy, and grouse, snipe, woodcock, teal, can- vas-back, and squab on toast, are always in or- der. In these days of Italian warehouses and imported delicacies, the pressed and jellied meats, pdt^s, sau- i6o ^ujjppr-partUa sages, and spiced tongues furnish a variety for a cold supper. No supper is perfect without a salad. The doctors, as we have said, condemn a late sup- per, but the pros and cons of this subject admit of discussion. Every one, indeed, must decide for him- self. Few people can undergo excitement of an even- ing — an opera or play or concert, or even the pleasant conversation of an evening party — without feeling hungry. With many, if such an appetite is not ap- peased it will cause sleeplessness. To eat lightly and to drink lightly at supper is a natural instinct with people if they expect to go to bed at once; but ex- citement is a great aid to digestion, and a heavy sup- per sometimes gives no inconvenience. The supper being a meal purely of luxury should be very dainty. Everything should be tasteful and appetizing; the wines should be excellent, the claret not too cool, the champagne frappS, or almost so, the Madeira and the port the temperatxire of the room, and the sherry cool. If punch is served, it should be at the end of the supper. At small, tmpretentious suppers, as at card-parties, supper is often served at small tables, exactly as it would be at a single large one, each table having its own decorations; but this requires very large rooms, and is much trouble. Many indulgent hostesses now allow young gentle- men to smoke a cigarette at the supper-table, after the eating and drinking is at an end, rather than break up the delicious flow of conversation which at the close of a supper seems to be at its best. This, i6i Mnnntrn anh Mortal HaagiPH however, should not be done unless every lady at the table acqtdesces, as the smell of tobacco - smoke is offensive to some persons. Suppers at balls, dances, and evening receptions in- clude now all sorts of cold and hot dishes, even a haunch of venison, and a fillet of beef with truffles; a cold salmon dressed with a green sauce; oysters in every form except raw — they are not served at balls; salads of every description; boned and truffled turkey and chicken ; pdtes of game ; cold partridges and grouse ; pdtS de foie gras; our American specialty, hot canvas- back duck; and the Baltimore turtle, terrapin, oyster and game patties; bonbons, ices, biscuits, creams, jellies, and fruits, with champagne, and sometimes, of later years, claret and Moselle cup, and champagne- cup — beverages which were not until lately known in America, except at gentlemen's clubs and on board yachts, but which are very agreeable mixtures, and gaining in favor. Every lady should know how to mix cup, as it is convenient both for supper and lawn- tennis parties, and is preferable in its effects to the heavier article so common at parties — punch. CHAPTER XIX MATINEES AND SOIREES MATINEE in America means an afternoon performance at the theatre of a play or opera. In Europe it has a wider significance, any social gathering before dinner in France being called a matinee, as any party after dinner is called a soiree. The improper application of another foreign word was strikingly manifested in the old fashion of calling the President's evening receptions levies. The term "levee," as originally used, meant literally a king's getting up. When he arose, and while he was dress- ing, such of his courtiers as were privileged to ap- proach him at this hour gathered in an anteroom — waiting to assist at his toilet, to wish him good-morn- ing, or perhaps prefer a request. In time this morn- ing gathering grew to be an important court cere- monial, and some one ignorant of the meaning of the word named President Jackson's evening receptions "the President's levies." So with the word matinee. First used to indicate a day reception at court, it has now grown to mean a day performance at a theatre. Sometimes a lady, bolder than her neighbors, issues 163 Munntxa anb ^nrial Maag^a an invitation for a "matinee dansante" or a "matinee musicale," but this descriptive style is not common. For a busy woman of fashion nothing can be more conveniently timed than a matinee, which begins at two and ends at four or half-past. It does not inter- fere with a five-o'clock tea or a drive in the park, nor unfit her for a dinner or an evening entertainment. Two o'clock is also a very good hour for a large and informal general lunch, if a lady wishes to avoid the expense, formality, and trouble of a "sit-down" lunch. While the busy ladies can go to a matinee, the busy gentlemen cannot; and as men of leisure in America are few, a morning entertainment at a theatre or in society is almost always an assemblage of women. To avoid this inequality of sex, many ladies have their matinees on some one of the national holidays — Wash- ington's Birthday, Thanksgiving, or Decoration Day. On these occasions a matinee, even in busy New York, is well attended by gentlemen. When, as sometimes happens, a prince, a duke, an archbishop, an author of celebrity, or some descendant of our French allies at Yorktown, comes on a visit to our country, one of the most satisfactory forms of entertainment that we can offer to him is a morning reception. At an informal matinee we may bring to meet him such authors, artists, clergymen, lawyers, editors, statesmen, rich and public-spirited citizens, and beautiful and cultivated women of society, as we may be fortunate enough to know. 164 i9Iatinfp0 anb ^airisB The primary business of society is to bring together the various elements of which it is made up — its strongest motive should be to lighten up the momen- tous business of life by an easy and friendly inter- cotirse and interchange of ideas. But if we hope to bring about us men of mind and distinction, our object must be not only to be amused, but to amuse. Such men are not tempted by the frivolities of a fashionable social life that lives by its vanity, its excitement, its rivalry and flirtation. Not that all fashionable society is open to such reproach, but its tendency is to lightness and emptiness; and we rare- ly find really valuable men who seek it. Therefore, a lady who would make her house attractive to the best society must offer it something higher than that to which we may give the generic title fashion. Dress, music, dancing, supper are delightful acces- sories — they are ornaments and stimulants, not req- uisites. For a good society we need men and wom- en who are "good company," as they say in England — ^men and women who can talk. Nor is the advan- tage all on one side. The free play of brain, taste, and feeling is a most important refreshment to a man who works hard, whether in the pulpit or in Wall Street, in the editorial chair or at the dull grind of authorship. The painter should wash his brushes and strive for some intercourse of abiding value with those whose lives differ from his own. The woman who works should also look upon the amusements of " 165 Munntrei a«!» Mortal Maagfa society as needed recreation, fruitful, it raay be, of the best culture. On the other hand, no society is perfect without the elements of beauty, grace, taste, refinement, and lux- ury. We must bring all these varied potentialities together if we would have a real and living social life. For that brilliant thing that we call society is a finely woven fabric of threads of different sizes and colors of contrasting shades. It is not intrigue, or the display of wealth, or morbid excitement that must bind together this social fabric, but sjrmpathy, that pleasant thing which refines and refreshes, "knits up the ravelled sleeve of care," and leaves us strong for the battle of life. And in no modem form of entertainment can we better produce this finer atmosphere, this desirable sympathy between the world of fashion and that of thought, than by matinees, when given under fa- vorable circumstances. To be sure, if we gave one every day it would be necessary, as we have said, to dispense with a large number of gentlemen; but the occasional matinee is apt to catch some very good specimens of the genus homo, and sometimes the best specimens. It is proper to offer a very substantial buffet, as people rarely lunch before two o'clock, and will be glad of a bit of bird, a cup of bouillon, or a plate of salad. It is much better to offer such an en- tertainment earlier than the five-o'clock tea, at which hour people are saving their appetites for dinner. A soit^e is a far more dif&cult affair, and calls for i66 MutimsB anb ^axveiB more subtle treatment. It should be, not a ball, but what was formerly called an "evening party." It need not exclude dancing, but dancing is not its ex- cuse for being. It means a very bright conversazione, or a reading, or a musicale, with pretty evening dress (not necessarily ball dress) , a supper, and early hours. Such, at least, was its early significance abroad. We have plenty of hostesses who can give great balls, dazzle the eye, and delight the senses, drown us in a sensuous luxury; but how few there are who, in a back street and in a humble house, light that lamp by which the Misses Berry summoned to their little parlor the cleverest and best people! The elegant, the unpretentious, the quiet soiree to which the woman of fashion shall welcome the literary man aad the artist, the aristocrat who is at the top of the social tree and the millionaire who reached his culmination yesterday, would seem to be that Ultima Thule for which all people have been sighing ever since society was first thought of. There are some Americans who are so foolish as to affect the pride of the hereditary aristocracies, and who have some fancied traditional standard by which they think to keep their blue blood pure. A good old grandfather who had talent, or patriotism, or broad views of states- manship, "who did the state some service," is a rela- tion to be proud of, but his descendants should take care to show, by some more personal excellence than that of a social exclusiveness, their appreciation of his honesty and ability. 167 MutxttttB anb lariat llaaggfl It is said that all women are bom aristocrats, and it is sometimes said in the same tone with which the speaker afterwards adds that all women are bom fools. A woman, from her finer sense, enjoys luxury, fine clothing, gorgeous houses, and all the refinements that money can buy; but even the most idle and lux- urious and fooUsh woman desires that higher luxury which art and intelligence and delicate appreciation can alone bring; the two are necessary to each other. To a hostess the difficulty of entertaining in such a manner as to unite in a perfect whole the financiers, the philosophers, the cultivated foreigners, the people of fashion, the sympathetic and the artistic is very great; but a hostess may bring about the most genial democracy at the modem matinee or soiree if she man- ages properly. What we once called a soiree has become nowadays the meeting of a club. Thus we have the Thursday- Evening Club, the College-Women's Club, the Musical Club, the Whist Club, and the Talking Club. It is real- ly the same rather festive evening party, particularly the Drawing-Room Club. At these, evening dress is prescribed. The entertainment often occurs at some public place, like Sherry's or Delmonico's. The ad- vantage of these occasions is that our busy men can attend them, and the early hour and simple supper should be obligatory. CHAPTER XX CHRISTENING CEREMONIES ORMERLY the persons who called to con- gratulate the happy possessor of a new boy or girl were offered mulled wine and plum- cake. Some early chronicler thinks that the two got mixed, and that caudle was the result. Certain it is that a most delicious beverage, a kind of oatmeal gruel, boiled "two days," with raisins and spices, and fine old Madeira (some say rum) added, makes a dish fit to set before a king, and is offered now to the callers by a young mamma. The old English custom was to have this beverage served three days after the arrival of the little stranger. The caudle-cups, preserved in many an old family, are now eagerly sought after as curiosities; they have two handles, so they could be passed from one to another. They were handed down as heirlooms when these caudle-parties were more fashionable than they have been until a recent date. Now there is a de- cided idea of reintroducing them. In those days the newly made papa also entertained his friends with a stag-party, when bachelors and also Benedicts were 169 lann^ra anh Mortal llaag^a invited to eat buttered toast, which was sugared and spread in a mighty punch-bowl, over which boiHng- hot beer was poured. After the punch-bowl was emp- tied, each guest placed a piece of money in the bowl for the nurse. Strong ale was brewed, and a pipe of wine laid by to be drunk on the majority of the child. This greasy mess is fortunately now extinct, but the caudle, a really delicious dish or drink, is the fash- ion again. It is generally offered when master or miss is about six weeks old, and mamma receives her friends for the first time since the increase in her family. The baby is, of course, shown, but not much handled. Some parents have the christening and the caudle-party together, but of this, it is said, the Church does not approve. The selection of godparents is always a delicate task. It is a very great compliment, of course, to ask any one to stand in this relation, highly regarded in England, but not so much thought of here. For- merly there were always two godfathers and two godmothers, generally chosen from friends and rela- tions, who were expected to watch over the religious education of the young child, and to see that he was, in due time, confirmed. In all old countries this re- lationship lasts through life, kindly help and counsel being given to the child by the godfather — even to adoption in many instances, should the parents die. But in our new country, with the absence of an es- tablished church, and with our belief in the power of every man to take care of himself, this beautiful 170 fflljrtBtPning Qlprtmonipa relationship has been neglected. We are glad to see that it is being renewed, and that people are thinking more of these time-honored connections. After a birth, friends and acquaintances should call and send in their cards, or send them by their servants, with kind inquiries. When the mother is ready to see her friends, she should, if she wishes, signify that time by sending out cards for a "caudle-party." But let her be rather deliberate about this, unless she has a mother, or aunt, or sister to take all the trouble for her. The godfather and godmother generally give some little present; a silver cup or porringer, knife, fork, and spoon, silver basin, coral tooth-cutter, or coral and bells, were the former gifts; but nowadays we hear of one wealthy godfather who left a check for one hundred thousand dollars in the baby's cradle ; and it is not unusual for those who can do so to make some very valuable investment for the child, particularly if he bears the name of the godfather. Some people— -indeed, most people — ^take their chil- dren to church to be baptized, and then give a lunch- eon at home afterwards, to which all are invited, es- pecially the officiating clergyman and his wife, as well as the sponsors. The presents should be given at this time. Old-fashioned people give the baby some salt and an egg for good luck, and are particular that he should be carried up-stairs before he is carried down, and that when he goes out first he shall be carried to the house of some near and dear relative. 171 For the honor of being a godfather one receives a note in the first person, asking that one will assume that kindly ofSce, and also mentioning the fact that the name will be so-and-so. The baby at his christening is shown off in a splen- did robe, very much belaced and embroidered, and it is to be feared that it is a day of disturbance for him. Babies should not be too much excited; a quiet and humdrum existence, a not too showy nurse, and reg- ular hours are conducive to a good constitution for a little child. Fashionable mammas who give caudle-parties should remember that in our harsh climate maternity is be- set by much feebleness as to nerves in both mother and child; therefore a long seclusion in the nursery is advised before the dangerous period of entertaining one's friends begins. Let the caudle-party wait, and the christening be done quietly in one's own bedroom, if the infant is feeble. Show off the young stranger at a later date: an ounce of prevention of illness is worth a pound of cure. CHAPTER XXI GARDEN-PARTIES ANY persons ask, "What shall we order for a garden-party?" We must answer that the first thing to order is a fine day. In these fortunate days the morning revelations of Old Probabilities give us an almost exact knowledge of what of rain or sunshine the future has in store. A rain or tornado which starts from Alaska, where the weather is made nowadays, will almost certainly be here on the third day; so the hostess who is will- ing to send a hasty bidding can perhaps avoid rain. It is the custom, however, to send invitations for these garden-parties a fortnight before they are to occur. At Newport they are arranged weeks beforehand, and if the weather is bad the entertainment takes place in-doors. When invitations are given to a suburban place to which people are expected to go by rail or any public means of conveyance, a card should also be sent stat- ing the hours at which trains leave, which train or boat to take, and any other information that may add to the comfort of the guest. These invitations are 173 Munntrs nnh Mortal l^Bu^ta engraved on note-paper, which should be perfectly plain, or bear the family crest, and read somewhat as follows: Mrs. Edwin Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Conway Brown's company at a Garden Party on Tuesday, the thirtieth of July at four o'clock Yonkers, New York Then, on the card enclosed, might be printed: Carriages will meet the j.jo train from. Grand Central Depot If the invitation is to a country place not easy of access, still more explicit directions should be given. The garden-party proper is always held entirely in the open air. In England the refreshments are served under a marquee in the grounds, and in that inclem- ent clime no one seems to think it a hardship if a shower of rain comes down and ruins fine silks and beautiful bonnets. But in our fine, sunshiny land we are very much afraid of rain, and our malarious soil is not considered always safe, so that the thoughtful hostess often has her table in-doors, piazzas filled with chairs, Turkish rugs laid down on the grass, and every preparation made that the elderly and timid and rheu- matic may enjoy the garden-party without endanger- ing their health. A hostess should see that her lawn-tennis ground is in order, the lawn-tennis laid out, and the archery tools all in place, so that her guests may amuse themf 174 iarl>pn-t«arti?0 selves with these different games. Sometimes balls and races are added to these amusements, and often a plat- form is laid for dancing, if the turf be not sufficiently dry. A band of musicians is essential to a very elegant and successful garden-party, and a varied selection of music, grave and gay, should be rendered. Although at a dinner-party there is reason to fear that an or- chestra may be a nuisance, at a garden-party the open air and space are sufficient guarantees against this danger. If the hostess wishes her entertainment to be served out-of-doors, of course all the dishes must be cold. Salads, cold birds, ham, and tongue; pdU de joie gras,, cold pates, and salmon dressed with a green sauce; jellies, charlottes, ices, cakes, punch, and champagne, are sometimes offered, although it is fashionable now to serve only light refreshments, such as are given at an afternoon reception — tea, coffee, ices, sandwiches, cake, bonbons, grapes, and peaches. The heavy late dinner makes people prefer a light collation in the afternoon. A cup of hot tea should be always ready in the house for those who desire it. At a garden-party proper the hostess receives out on the lawn, wearing her hat or bonnet, and takes it for granted that the party will be entirely out-of-doors. The carriages, however, drive up to the door, and the ladies can go up-stairs and deposit their wraps and brush off the dust, if they wish. A servant should be in attendance to show the guests to that part of the grounds in which the lady is receiving. I7S jManitgrg unh Mortal JIgagga At Newport these parties are generally conducted on the principle of an afternoon tea, and after the mistress of the house has received her guests they wander through the grounds, and, when weary, return to the house or piazza for refreshment. A little play is sometimes given under the trees, by amateur actors, or a palmist is in attendance, who tells fortunes by reading the lines of the hand. There is a sort of public garden-party in this coun- try which prevails on semiofficial occasions, such as the laying of a foundation-stone for a public building, the birthday of a prominent individual, a Sunday- school festival, or an entertainment given to a public fimctionary. These are banquets, and for them the invitations are somewhat general, and should be of- ficially issued. For the private garden-party it is proper for a lady to ask for an invitation for a friend, as there is always plenty of room; but it should also be observed that, where this request is not answered affirmatively, offence should not be taken. It is some- times very difficult for a lady to understand why her request for an invitation to her friend is refused; but she should never take the refusal as a discourtesy to herself. There may be reasons which cannot be ex- plained. Ladies always wear bonnets or round hats at a gar- den-party, and pretty light dresses of some thin ma- terial. England is the land for garden-parties, with its turf of velvet softness, its flowing lime-trees, its splen- 176 (^uthen-puviUii did old oaks, and its finished landscape gardening. There are but few places as yet in America which afford the clipped-box avenues, the arcades of blossom- ing rose-vines, the pleached alleys, the finely kept and perfect gravel-walks, or, better than all, the quiet, old-fashioned gardens, down which the ladies may walk, rivals of the flowers. But there are some such places; and a green lawn, a few trees, a good prospect, a fine day, and some- thing to eat are really all the absolute requirements for a garden-party. In the neighborhood of New York very charming garden-parties have been given: at the Brooklyn Navy-yard and the camp of the sol- dier, at the headquarters of the officers of marines, and at the ever-lovely Governor's Island. Up the Hudson, out at Orange (with its multitudi- nous pretty settlements), all along the coast of Long Island, the garden-party is almost imperatively nec- essary. The owner of a fine place is expected to al- low the unfortunates who must stay in town at least one sniff of his roses and new-mown hay. Lawn-tennis has had a great share in making the garden-party popular; and in remote country places ladies should learn how to give these parties and, with very little trouble, make the most of our fine climate. There is no doubt that a little awkwardness is to be overcome in the beginning, for no one knows exactly what to do. Deprived of the friendly shelter of a house, guests wander forlornly about; but a graceful and ready hostess will soon suggest that a croquet 177 tannfra anJi i'nrtal llaagpa or lawn-tennis party be formed, or that a contest at archery be entered upon, or that even a card-party is in order, or that a game of checkers can be played under the trees. Servants should be taught to preserve the proprie- ties of the feast, if the meal be served under the trees. There should be no piles of dishes, knives, forks, or spoons visible on the green grass; baskets should be in readiness to carry off everything as soon as used. There should be a sufficient quantity of glass and china in use, and plenty of napkins, so that there need be no delay. The lemonade and punch bowls should be replenished from the dining-room as soon as they show signs of depletion, and a set of neat maid-ser- vants can be advantageously employed in watching the table, and seeing that the cups, spoons, plates, wineglasses, and forks are in siifficient quantity and clean. If tea is served, maid-servants are better than men, as they are careful that the tea is hot and the spoons, cream, and sugar forthcoming. Fruit is an agreeable addition to a garden-party entertainment, and pines, melons, peaches, grapes, strawberries are all served in their season. Pains should be taken to have these fruits of the very best that can be obtained. Claret-cup, champagne - cup, soda-water, brandy, and shandy-gafE are provided on a separate table for the gentlemen; Apollinaris water, and the various aerated waters so fashionable now, are also provided. Although gentlemen help themselves, it is necessary to have a servant in attendance to remove the wine- ir8 ^arhftt-parttifa glasses, tumblers, and goblets as they are used, to replenish the decanters and pitchers as they are emp- tied, and to supply fresh glasses. Some hospitable hosts offer their guests old Madeira, sherry, and port. The decanters are placed on the regular luncheon- table, and glasses of wine are carried by servants, on silver trays, to the ladies who are sitting on the piazzas and under the trees. Small, thin tumblers or glass cups are used for the claret and champagne cup, which should be held in silver or glass pitchers. If strawberries and cream are served, a small napkin should be put between the saucer and plate, and a dessert spoon and fork handed with each plate. The servants who carry about refreshments from the tent or the table where they are served should be warned to be very careful in this part of the service, as many a fine gown has been spoiled by a dish of strawberries and cream or a glass of punch or lem- onade being overturned through a servant's want of care. Ices are now served at garden-parties in small pa- per cups placed on plates — a fashion which is very neat, and saves much of the "mussiness " that has here- tofore been a feature of these entertainments. Num- bers of small tables should be brought with the camp- stools, and placed at convenient intervals, where the guests can deposit their plates. A lady should not use her handsome glass or china at these out-of-door entertainments. The danger of breakage is too great. It is better to hire all the 179 iiattn^ra nnh Mortal llaagpa necessary glass, silver, and china from the caterer, as it saves a world of counting and trouble. No doubt the garden-party is a troublesome affair, particularly if the refreshments are served out-of-doors, but it is very beautiful and very amusing, and worth all the trouble. It may be just as pleasant, however, if the table is in-doors or on the veranda. CHAPTER XXII HOUSE-PARTIES T is only within a few years that the Amer- ican housekeeper has been able to attempt a large house-party, as this thoroughly Eng- lish institution demands that the host live every day in thoroughly princely style. But since, from Maine to California, the American multi-millionaire now resides in a palace, and keeps (if he can keep them) a regiment of servants, the house- party is possible. It means so much, however, that all Americans have not yet mastered, that a few words as to the etiquette of the thing may well be inserted here. No person should attempt it who has not her house- hold in good running order. There must be an accom- pUshed cook, good footmen and maids, trained to parlor and bedroom work, a number of fine horses or automo- biles, a cellar of good wine, a liberal host, and an ac- complished hostess. Then there must be some definite object of interest, as a fine country for driving through, fox-hunting, sea air, or an agreeable neighborhood, as to dinners, lunches, or picnics. We cannot offer to the guests, at our house-parties, the view of an inter- 13 i8i tattttfra nnh ^atxul laagfa esting ruin, as is the case all over England or France, but we can oflEer them hospitality. People of moderate means invite their friends to stay with them now, as they always have, but a large house-party given in the English style, by a multi- millionaire, means something of this sort: Ten or twelve congenial couples are asked for three days or more to a country-house, whose size enables the hostess to offer to husband and wife two bedrooms, a parlor, a bath-room, often a boudoir, and each is asked to bring a body -servant — he a valet and she a maid. Many country-houses in England contain twenty or thirty of these suites. A letter is sent a fortnight in advance, and the lady of the house keeps a book in the following manner: "Mr. arid Mrs. Morse are asked from 13th to 17th July; from luncheon on the 13th to luncheon on the 17th." "Mr. and Mrs. Brown asked to dinner on the 17th, to leave before luncheon on the 20th." "Mr. and Mrs. Spencer asked to luncheon on the 20th, to remain for dinner on the 24th, and leave before luncheon on the 25th," etc., etc. This important ledger is consulted every day by the housekeeper, who knows when to have her rooms made up ; and the host and hostess keep it before them that they may remember who is coming. It is often the custom for rich women in this country to keep a secretary, and an hour every day with this functionary is necessary for the dictating of notes; for 182 ^OXXBt-pUttXtB when parties of twelve ladies with their husbands and maids are expected in quick rotation, many notes have to be written. In England this business is generally done by the lady herself, for an English lady of rank delights in writing notes, and does it so well that it seems to be second nature with her. In English house-parties the amusing man is always a factor, a bachelor or a widower who has a talent for conversation, is not above making a pun or writing society verses — that individual who is such a familiar friend of ours through the modem society novel. It is hard to find his exact copy in America. There are, however, some men of leisure and edu- cation who can be depended upon for a house- party. There are always clever girls and married women, more or less emancipated, who can be depended upon to be amusing. When the party is decided upon, the lady writes her note, inviting Mr. and Mrs. Percy to her house in Minneapolis, or Skaneateles, or Newport, as the case may be, for three days, or three weeks. She gives a succinct account of how to get there — -time-tables and railway trains. Her carriage and horses meet the guest at the station, and a wagon for their traps is also sent. On their arrival at the house she should be there to welcome them, or, if unavoidably absent, must dele- gate a daughter or a friend to do this duty for her. Guests are then asked if they will have a cup of tea, or if they prefer to go immediately to their rooms. 183 Mnntiiv& nnh ^atxui laas^a After a dusty railroad journey, the latter is generally preferred. The guest is shown to the apartment, where a maid is waiting to ask if a hot or a cold bath is preferred, if a cup of tea shall be served in the room, and whether she can be of any service. If the lady has not brought her own maid this servant unlocks the trunks and assists her to dress. The whole company are expected to assemble in full-dress at an eight-o'clock dinner. After dinner the hostess makes suggestions for the following day — ^whether her guests Avill have an early breakfast of a cup of tea and an egg in their rooms or descend to the dining-room; whether they will drive or ride or prefer to stay at home. She tells them that luncheon will be at one and dinner at eight. It is optional whether they come to luncheon or not, but obligatory on them to appear at dinner. This settled, the hostess is not obliged to appear until she pleases. In England she often does not come down until luncheon. She sometimes disappears for nearly the whole day. But she is always at dinner, and her guests feel her influence in their comfort, and the pleasant privilege of being allowed to order a pony phaeton, perhaps, and to drive about with freedom, enjoying themselves in their own way. An American hostess, ignorant of the traditions of good-breeding, once made the mistake of leaving her house, after she had invited her house-party, and stay- ing away overnight, thinking she was showing Eng- 184 3|nttBp-parttpa lish freedom. This was a terrible piece of ignorance; for although an English hostess may go off to her charity-schools and her duties, even go to breakfast with a friend, she is always the guiding spirit of the house-party — never absent from dinner, and rarely failing at luncheon or afternoon tea. Especially is she at the latter; for, indeed, the afternoon tea — often served out-of-doors — is the favorite rallying-point of Englishwomen. The hunters come home to it, the lawn-tennis dis- bands for it, the riders dismount and take tea in their habits, while the "stay-at-homes" appear as well. It is a delightful picture, often interrupted by the dinner dressing-bell too soon for the person who is enjoying it. Cranks and notoriety-seekers are very troublesome visitors. Ill-bred people, who come before they are asked and will not go away when their visit is ended, these are to be — not asked a second time. The house-party is a great breeder of scandal, and if a gentleman is too attentive to a lady it soon be- comes noticed. These are its evils. Unfortimately the ignorance and lack of social cult- ure of some of our so-called leaders of society has not yet taught them the lesson, which the Greeks sought to express when they put in their entrance-halls the statue of Silence, with her finger on her lip — "A gesture, which silently says. Silence." We may yet organize in our fashionable circles (as we have just outside of them) a force of noble women i8S Ia«tt?ra anb Mortal llaagfa who will know how to give house-parties where slander is unknown, which shall be gay without questionable fashions, which shall be intellectual treats, and where a usefully benign exercise of hospitality shall not lead to the propagation of slanderous attacks on character. The happy medium between stiffness and a gay and liberal view of life — ^that is the question. The great drawback on the giving of house-parties in our country is the always-growing uncertainty as to servants. How can one contend with a strike ? How can one prevent the butler, who may be a politician, from going off on a mission to nominate the member of Congress? He may feel that he is more necessary at a primary than at a dinner-party. The lady who lives in the country and who describes herself as run- ning a servants' omnibus to the nearest station, must answer this question for herself — whether the game is worth the candle, and whether that moment of agony which she has experienced when she has seen the cook, in flaunting attire, walking off just as the twelfth guest has arrived, is ever paid for by any amount of pleasure afterwards. Many charming homes all over our land, however, have settled the domestic question for themselves; many hostesses, even in the United States, can keep servants over a week; and many are so well provided with all that can make a guest comfortable and happy, that we have only to suggest a few things to the guest. Never fail to arrive and leave at the very moment signified in your invitation. i86 ^av^Bt-:ptivtxsB Never fail to observe, to its remotest degree, the laws and customs of the house. Nor should a gentleman who is a guest forget his attentions to his hostess, among which should be the note of thanks written after he leaves her house, and the call when she comes to the city where he lives. If there is an elderly person who hates draughts and loves warmth, endure to be roasted to the bone rather than ask to have a window open. Some one has said, "All visiting is slavery"; do what we will, we cannot avoid these differences as to temperature. "I will live in an ice-house when I get home," said a visitor at a too -hot house -party; "I will sit near a gas-stove all summer," said another, who had been frozen; and "I will never pay another visit if they put a gas-stove in my room," said a third, who had been asphyxiated by a too ardent lover of comfort. It is impossible to please everybody. And then comes in the question of uncongenial sotils. "Why did you ask me to meet Mrs. Soureby Cream- ley? You know I cannot endure her," says one indis- creet "\asitor to Mrs. Trembly. There is, unfortunately, a clique that seeks self-display; there is great worship of wealth; there is a tendency to imperious self-asser- tion; there is a leaning to frivoHty and gossip in all the "smart" sets all over this growing country, which must impair any attempt at this sort of sociable enter- tainment, if, at the same time, the hostess wishes also to invite people of intelligence, experience, and broad 187 MtLttntrB unh Mortal Msu^ta outlook, with high purpose and inspiration. The two kinds cannot amalgamate easily. But the American woman has conquered everything — she will conquer this. A woman who has "done her own work," who has gone down on her knees and scrubbed the marble of the front hall, may be called on to rise and receive a princess, may be called on to give a house-party in a magnificent dwelling which the husband has earned the right to call his and her home. She will do it well. She will carry the same simplic- ity, the same self-respect into the new home which made the first little, modest tenement so happy. No doubt she will in time. She may have to learn a few rules. But did she not have to learn how to make good bread? and that was far more difficult than to learn how to give a house-party. Learn, however, to do it in the best way, but do not attempt it and fail. Meantime, no one should be discouraged from show- ing a simple hospitality to his friends because he is unable to vie with the magnificence of the multi-mill- ionaire. It is to be questioned whether even the lat- ter is not becoming tired of aping the manners of an aristocratic country. Surely these are ill-suited to a land where republican principles prevail. The popular- ity of stmimer camps, the closing of many fine villas at Newport, the trips in touring-cars now so much in vogue, the fondness for athletics, all show recognition on the part of Americans of the beauty and value of simplicity as opposed to formality and ostentation. 1 88 CHAPTER XXIII HOST AND GUEST O one possessed of his senses would invite a person to his country-house for the purpose of making the latter tinhappy. At least so we shotdd say at first thought. But it is an obvious fact that very many guests are in- vited to the country houses of their friends and are made extremely miserable while there. They have to rise at unusual hours, eat when they are not hungry, drive or walk or play tennis when they would prefer to do something else, and they are obliged to give up those hours which are precious to them for other duties or pleasures; so that many people, after an experience of visiting, say, "No more of the slavery of visiting for me, if you please!" As we have seen in a previous chapter, the English in their vast country houses have reduced the custom of visiting and receiving their friends to a system. They are said to be in all respects the best hosts in the world, the masters of the letting-alone system. A man who owns a splendid place near London invites a guest for three days or more, and carefully suggests when he shall come and when he shall go — a very great point in 189 iJIattttpra nnh ^nrtal Haagfa hospitality. He is invited to come by the three-o'clock train on Monday, and to leave by the four-o'clock train on Thursday. That means that he shall arrive before dinner on Monday, and leave after luncheon on Thurs- day. If a guest cannot agree to these hours, he must write and say so. Once arrived, he rarely meets his host or hostess imtil dinner-time. It is possible that some member of the family may be disengaged and may propose a drive before dinner, but this is not often done ; the guest is left to himself or herself until dinner. Gen- eral and Mrs. Grant were shown to their rooms at Windsor Castle, and locked up there, when they visit- ed the Queen, until the steward came to tell them that dinner would be served in half an hotir; they were then conducted to the grand salon, where the Queen presently entered. In less stately residences very much the same ceremony is observed. Thus the guest has before him the enviable privi- lege of spending the day as he pleases. He need not talk unless he chooses; he may take a book and wander off under the trees; he may take a horse and explore the county, or he may drive in a victoria, phaeton, or any other sort of carriage. To a lady who has her letters to write, her novel to read, or her early headache to manage, this Uberty is precious. It must also be said that no one is allowed to feel neglected in an English house. If a lady guest says, "I am a stranger; I should like to see your fine house and your lovely park," some one is found to accom- pany her. Seldom the hostess, for she has much else 190 SoHt nnh (In^st to do; but there is often a single sister, a cousin, or a very intelligent governess, who is summoned. In our country we cannot offer our guests all these advan- tages; we can, however, offer them their freedom, and give them, with our limited hospitality, their choice of hours for breakfast and their freedom from our society. But the questioner may ask, Why invite guests unless we wish to see them? We do wish to see them — a part of the day, not the whole day. No one can sit and talk all day. The hostess should have her privilege of retiring, after the mid-day meal, for a nap, and so should the guest. Well-bred people under- stand aU this, and are glad to give up the pleasure of social intercotuse for an hour of solitude. There is nothing so sure to repay one in the long run as these quiet hours. If a lady invites another to visit her at Newport or Bar Harbor, she should evince her thought for her guest's comfort by providing her with horses and carriage to pay her own visits, to take her own drives, or to do her shopping. Of course, the pleasure of two friends is generally to be together, and to do the same things; but sometimes it is quite the reverse. The tastes and habits of two people stajdng in the same house may be very different, and each should respect the peculiarities of the other. It costs little time and no money for an opulent Newport hostess to find out what her guest wishes to do with her day, and she can easily, with a little tact, allow her to be happy in her own way. 191 Mattntm nnh Bntiul l&Bu^tB jt^ Gentlemen understand this much better than ladies, and a man guest is allowed to do very much as he pleases at Newport. No one asks anything about his plans for the day, except if he will dine at home. His hostess may ask him to drive or ride with her, or to go to the Casino, perhaps; but if she be a well-bred woman of the world she will not be angry if he refuses. A lady guest has not, however, such freedom; she is apt to be a slave, from the fact that as yet the Ameri- can hostess has not learned that the truest hospitality is to let her guest alone, and to allow her to enjoy her- self in her own way. A thoroughly well-bred guest makes no trouble in a house; she has the instinct of a lady, and is careful that no plan of her hostess shall be disarranged by her presence. She mentions all her separate invitations, desires to know when her hostess wishes her presence, if the carriage can take her hither and yon, or if she may be allowed to hire a carriage. There are hostesses, here and in England, who do not invite guests to their houses for the purpose of making them happy, but to add to their own impor- tance. Such hostesses are not apt to consider the in- dividual rights of any one, and they use a guest mere- ly to add to the brilliancy of their parties, and to make the house more fashionable and attractive. Some ill- bred women, in order to show their power, even in- sult and ill-treat the people who have accepted their proffered hospitality. This class of hostess is, fortu- nately, not common, but is not unknown. A hostess should remember that, when she asks peo- 192 ^aBt unh (^txtnt pie to visit her, she has two very important duties to perform — one, not to neglect her guests; the other, not to weary them by too much attention. Never give a guest the impression that he is "being enter- tained," that he is on your mind; follow the daily life of your household and of your duties as you desire, taking care that your guest is never in an unpleasant position or neglected. If you have a tiresome guest who insists upon following you around and weighing heavily on your hands, be firm, go to your room, and lock the door. If you have a sulky guest who looks bored, throw open the library door, order the carriage, and make your own escape. But if you have a very agreeable guest who shows every desire to please and be pleased, give that model guest the privilege of choosing her own hours and her own retirement. The charm of an American country house is, gen- erally, that it is a home, and sacred to home duties. A model guest never infringes for one moment on the rights of the master of the house. She never spoils his dinner or his drive by being late; she never sends him back to bring her parasol; she never abuses his friends or the family dog; she is careful to abstain from disagreeable topics; she joins his whist-table if she knows how to play; but she ought never to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her wont because he wishes to take an early train for town. These hurried early morning breakfasts are not times for conversation, and they ruin the day for many bad sleepers. 193 tanttpra unh Batxni Haajfa In a country neighborhood a hostess has sometimes to ask her guests to go to church to hear a stupid preacher, and to go to her country neighbors to be- come acquainted with what may be the slavery of country parties. The guest should always be allowed to refuse these hospitalities; and if he be a tired towns- man, he will prefer the garden, the woodland, the re- tirement of the country to any church or tea-party in the world. He cannot enter into his host's inter- ests or his neighbor's. Leave him to his solitude if in that is his happiness. At Newport guest and hostess have often different friends and different invitations. When this is under- stood, no trouble ensues if the host and hostess go out to dinner and leave the guest at home. It often hap- pens that this is done, and no lady of good-breeding takes offence. A hostess should not, however, go out so often as to make her guest feel neglected. Of course a nice dinner is prepared for the latter, and she is often asked to invite a friend to share it. On the other hand, the guest often has invitations which do not include the hostess. These should be spoken of in good season, so that none of the hostess's plans may be disarranged, that the carriage may be ordered in time, and the guest sent for at the proper hour. Well-bred people always accept these contin- gencies as a matter of course, and are never discon- certed by them. A guest should be careful not to ac- cept so many separate invitations as to make the host- ess feel that her house is being made a convenience, 194 lloHt and dupBt Now for those who go to country houses to make a week-end visit, let us give one word of advice. Al- ways hold yourself at the disposal of those at whose house you are staying. If they propose a plan of action for you, fall in with it. If your visit is pro- longed for a week, endeavor to amuse yourself as much as possible. Do not let your hostess see that you are dependent on her for amusement. Remember, however welcome you may be, you are not always wanted. Some people are "bom visitors." They have the genius of tact to perceive, the genius of finesse to ex- ecute, ease and frankness of manner, a knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, a calmness of tem- per that nothing can disturb, and a kindness of dis- position that can never be exhausted. Such a visitor is greatly in demand everywhere. Where a good-natured host and hostess place every- thing at the disposal of a visitor — ^their horses, car- riages, books, and grounds — ^the utmost delicacy should be observed. Never ride a horse too fast or too far. Never take the coachman beyond his usual limits. Never pluck a flower in the ornamental grounds with- out asking permission, for in these days of ornamental and fanciful gardening it is necessary to be careful and remember that each flower is a tint in a well- considered picture. Never dog'sear or disfigure the books, or leave them lying about; if you take them from their shelves, put them back. Be thoughtful in your treatment of the servants, and give those who I9S MunmtB and burial TSLbuqsb immediately wait upon you some small gratuity. And if family prayers are fead, always try to be present. There is no office in the world which should be filled with such punctilious devotion, , propriety, and self- respect as that of hostess. The young man who is asked to be her guest cannot treat her with too much respect while beneath her roof. And after he leaves her house he should write to her the prettiest and most grateful of letters. If a lady ever allows her guest to feel that she is a cause of inconvenience, she violates the first rule of hospitality. If she fail in any way in her obligations as hostess to a guest whom she has in- vited, she shows herself to be ill-bred and ignorant of the first principles of politeness. She might better invite twelve people to dinner, and then ask them to dine on the pavement, than ignore or withdraw from a written and accepted invitation, unless sickness or death afford the excuse; and yet hostesses have been known to do this from mere caprice. But they were, of course, ill-bred people. CHAPTER XXIV FORK AND SPOON SOCIAL new-comer asks, "How shall I carry my fork to my mouth?" The fork should be raised laterally to the mouth with the right hand; the wrist should never be crooked, so as to bring the hand round at a right angle, or the fork directly opposite the mouth. The mother cannot begin too early to inctilcate good manners at the table, and among the first things that young children should learn is the proper use of the fork. Again, the fork should not be overloaded. To take meat and vegetables and pack them on the poor fork, as if it were a beast of burden, is a common Ameri- can vulgarity, bom of our hurried way of eating at railway stations and hotels. But it is an unhealthy and an ill-mannered habit. To take but little on the fork at a time, a moderate mouthful, shows good man- ners and refinement. The knife must never be put into the mouth at any time — that is a reronant of bar- barism. Another inqturer asks, "Should cheese be eaten with a fork?" We say, decidedly, "Yes," although 14 197 ManntVB and Social Maa^ts good authorities declare that it may be put on a morsel of bread with a kiiife, and thus conveyed to the mouth. Of course we refer to the soft cheeses— like Gorgon- zola, Brie, cream-cheese, Neufchatel, Camembert, and the like — which are hardly more manageable than but- ter. Of the hard cheeses, one may convey a morsel to the mouth with the thumb and forefinger; but, as a general rule, it is better to use the fork. Now as to the spoon: it is to be used for soup, for strawberries and cream, for all stewed fruit and pre- serves, and for melons, which, from their juiciness, cannot be conveniently eaten with a fork. Peaches and cream, all the "wet dishes," as Mrs. Glasse was wont to call them, must be eaten with a spoon. Roman punch is always eaten with a spoon. In using the spoon be very careful not to put it too far into the mouth. It is a fashion with children to polish their spoons in a somewhat savage fashion but the guest at a dinner-party should remember, in the matter of the dessert-spoon especially (which is a rather large implement for the mouth), not to aUow even the clogging influences of cabinet pudding to induce him to give his spoon too much leeway, as in all etiquette of the table, the spoon has its difficulties and dangers. There are always people happy in their fashion of eating, as in everything else. There is no such infal- lible proof of good-breeding and of early usage as the conduct of a man or woman at dinner. But, as every one has not had the advantage of early training, it is 19S IFdrk atth Bpaan well to study these minute points of table etiquette, that one may learn how to eat without offending the sensibility of the well-bred. Especially study the fork and the spoon. There is, no doubt, a great diversity of opinion on the Continent with regard to the fork.' It is a common German fashion, even with princes, to put the knife into the mouth. Italians are not al- ways particular as to its use, and cultivated Russians, Swedes, Poles, and Danes often eat with their knives or forks indiscriminately. But Austria, which • follows French fashions, the Anglo-Saxon race in England, America, and the colo- nies, all French people, and those elegant Russians who emulate French manners, deem the fork the prop- er medium of communication between the plate and the mouth. On elegant tables, each plate or "cover" is accom- panied by two large silver knives, a small silver knife and fork for fish, a small fork for the oysters on the half-shell, a large table-spoon or a soup-spoon, and three large forks. As the dinner progresses, the knife and fork and spoon which have been used are taken away with the plate. This saves confusion, and the servant has not to bring fresh knives and forks all the time. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork; for if it is full of bones, like shad, for instance, it is very diffi- cult to manage it without the aid of a knife. For sweetbreads, cutlets, roast beef, etc., the knife is also necessary; but for the croquettes, rissoles, bau- chles a la Reine, timbales, and dishes of that class, the 199 Manntra unh Btttitii l&nui^ts fork alone is needed. A majority of the made dishes in which the French excel are to be eaten with the fork alone. After the dinner has been eaten and the dessert reached, we must see to it that everything is cleared oflE but the table-cloth, which is now never removed. A dessert-plate is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork and spoon, called an "ice-spoon." In England, strawberries are always served with the green stems, and each one is taken up with the fingers, dipped in sugar, and thus eaten. Many for- eigners pour wine over their strawberries, and then eat them with a fork. Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver knife, cut into quarters, and then picked up with the fingers. Oranges should be peeled, and cut or sepa- rated, as the eater chooses. Grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin falling into the hand imobserved, and thence to the plate. Never swallow the stones of small fruits; it is extremely dangerous. The pineapple is almost the only fruit which requires both knife and fork, al- though it is now thought better to use both when eating peaches, pears, and bananas. So much has the fork come into use of late that a wit observed that he took everything with it but after- noon tea. The thick chocolate, he observed, often served at afternoon entertainments, could be eaten 200 3ffnrk anh Bpann comfortably with a fork, partictilarly the whipped cream on top of it. A fork alone is used for eating salad. If cream cheese, or any other soft cheese which must be spread on biscuit is ser\'ed, a small silver knife is put at each place for such use. Salt-cellars are now placed at each plate, and it is not improper to take salt with your knife from an individual salt-cellar if a little spoon is not supplied , for the purpose, as it is or should be freshly filled with salt before each meal. Dessert-spoons and small forks do not form a part of the original "cover"; that is, they are not put on at the beginning of the dinner, but are placed before the guests according as they are needed; as, for in- stance, when the Roman punch arrives before the game, and afterwards when the plum-pudding or pastry is served before the ices. The knives and forks are not placed upon the plate, but on each side of it, ready for the hand. For the coffee after dinner a very small spoon is served, as a large one would be out of place in the small cups that are used. Indeed, the variety of forks and spoons now in use on a well-fumished table is astonishing. A doubtful hostess asks, "How much soup should be given to each person?" A half-ladleful is quite enough, unless it is a country dinner, where a full la- dleftd may be given without offence; but do not fill the soup-plate. 201 ilan«?r0 nnh Batxnl Haag^a In carving a joint or fowl the host ought to make sure of the condition of both knife and fork. Of course a good carver sees to both before dinner. The knife should be of the best cutlery, well sharpened, and the fork long, strong, and furnished with a guard. CHAPTER XXV TABLE LINEN HE elegance of a table depends essentially upon its napery. The plainest of meals is made a banquet if the linen be fresh, fine, and smooth, and the most sumptuous repast can be ruined by a soiled and crumpled table- cloth. The housewife who wishes to con- duct her house in elegance must make up her mind to use five or six sets of napkins, and to have several dozens of each ready for possible demands. A napkin should never be put on the table a second time until it has been rewashed; therefore, napkin-rings should be abandoned — relegated to the nursery tea-table. Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner napkins, and are very pretty if they bear the initial letter of the family in the centre or comer. Those of fine, double damask, with a simple design, such as a snowdrop or a mathematical figure, to match the table- cloth, are also pretty. In the end, the economy in the wear pays a young housekeeper to invest well in the best of napery — double damask, good Irish linen. Never buy poor or cheap napkins; they are worn out almost immediately by washing. 203 MntmtrB and ^nrtal Haag^a Coarse, heavy napkins are perhaps proper for the nursery and children's table. If children dine with their parents, they should have a special set of nap- kins for their use, and some very careful mammas make these with tapes to tie around the youthful necks. It is better in a large family, where there are children, to have heavy table-linen for every- day use. It is not an economy to buy colored cloths, for they must be washed as often as if they were white, and no color stands the hard usage of the laundry as well as pure white. Colored napery is, therefore, the luxury of a well- appointed country house, and has its use in making the breakfast and luncheon table look a little unlike the dinner. It is not in fashion at the present time, however. Never use a parti-colored damask for the dinner-table. "W^hite napery, which grows whiter with each sum- mer's bleaching, is preferable to all others. Ladies who live in the city should try to send all their napery to the country at least once a year, and let it lie on the grass for a good bleaching. It seems to keep cleaner afterwards. When breakfast is made a formal meal — that is, when company is invited to come at a stated hour — serviettes, or large dinner napkins, must be placed at each plate, as for a dinner. But they are never used at a "stand- up" breakfast, nor are doilies or finger-bowls. If any accident happens, such as the spilling of a glass of wine or the upsetting of a plate, the debris 204 ^ablt ICin^n should be carefully cleared away, and the waitress should spread a clean napkin over the spot on the table-cloth. Large white napkins are invariably used at luncheon, and the smaller ones kept for breakfast and tea. Some ladies like the little fringed napkins for tea, but to look well these must be very carefiilly washed and ironed. A polished-top table is now in fashion for breakfast and luncheon. The use of a centre-piece at these meals is not obligatory, but it is almost always a pot of growing plants — ferns, bulbous flowers, or fresh flowers, or a small palm. Never fasten your napldn around your neck; lay it across your knees, convenient to the hand, and lift one comer only to wipe the mouth. A housekeeper should have a large chest to contain napery which is not to be used every day. This re- served linen should be washed and aired once a year at least, to keep it from moulding and becoming yellow. Our Dutch ancestors were very fond of enriching a chest of this kind, and many housewives in New York and Albany are to-day using linen brought from Holland three hundred years ago. The napery made in Ireland has, however, in our day taken the place of that manufactured in other cotuitries. It is good, cheap, and sometimes very handsome, and if it can be bought unadulterated with cotton it will last many years, provided it is not ruined by the chemicals which are so much used in this labor- saving age by indolent laiandresses. At dinner-parties in England, in the days of William 20S Munntvs a«h g»oriaI llaagta IV., a napkin was handed with each plate. As the guest took his plate and new napkin, he allowed the the one he had used to fall to the floor, and when he went away from the table he left a snowy pile of napery behind him. The use of linen for the table is one of the oldest of fashions. The early Italian tables were served with such beautiful lace-worked napkins that we cannot equal them to-day. Queen Elizabeth's napkins were edged with lace made in Flanders, and were an im- portant item of expense in her day-book. Fringed, embroidered, and colored napkins made of silk are used by Chinese and Japanese magnates. These articles may be washed, and are restored to their original purity by detergent agents that are un- known to us. The Chinese also use little napkins of paper, which are very convenient for luncheon baskets and picnics. The question is sometimes asked, Should one fold her napkin before leaving the table ? At a formal meal, no. At a social tea or break- fast, yes, if the hostess does so. There is no absolute law on this subject. At a fashionable dinner no one folds his napkin; he lays it by the side of his plate unfolded. Napkins, when laid away in a chest or drawer, should have some pleasant, cleanly herb like lavender or sweet -grass, or the old-fashioned clover, or bags of Oriental orris-root, put between them, that they may come to the table smelling of these delicious scents. 3o6 Sablf ffittttn Nothing is more certain to destroy the appetite of a nervous dyspeptic than a napkin that smells of greasy soap. There is a laundry soap now in use which leaves a very unpleasant odor in the linen, and napkins often smell so strongly of it as to take away the desire for food. As we have already said, every lady who aspires to elegant housekeeping should remember that she should never allow the same napkin to be put on her table twice. For this reason the expensive embroidered and laced napkins, those made of Duchesse lace and heavily embroidered, are senseless articles of luxury, only fit for royal tables, where, indeed, they are but seldom used. CHAPTER XXVI CHAPBRONS AND THEIR DUTIES NE of the comer-stones of American polity is the independence and self-reliance of the individual citizen. An American boy feels this from his earliest years, and his sister is conscious of it too. Our children learn to take care of themselves, to go about freely and safely, at an age when French boys are still escort- ed to school by their nurses. It may well be ques- tioned whether our young people do not carry this spirit of independence too far; a certain amount of guidance is necessary for all immature creatures, ani- mals or men. But we cannot expect to suppress it altogether, for it lies at- the root of our institutions. Hence the American boy and girl, who have per- haps gone to the public school together, feel a strong desire to manage their own affairs when they grow to be youths and maidens. It must be said, also, that the young man is usually upright and honorable, and filled with the sincere respect for women, which is the noble characteristic of our countrymen. In many parts of our land this American spirit has led to a relationship of the sexes which does not, one 208 (HiluptvanB tttth ttf^ir iutUa must think, exist anywhere else in the world. Young men and women are allowed to go about together, especially in the Western States, with a freedom which is incomprehensible to the European, who belongs to an older, a more corrupt civilization. To a people brought up in a community where these views and practices prevail, chaperonage seems an unnecessary and irritating institution. These views are by no means confined to the West, although they find their strongest expression there. At the East the more fre- quent contact with foreigners, both in their own lands and ours, has greatly modified the development of this American spirit, so far as the relations of men and women are concerned. Hence.'^while chaperonage has never been considered so indispensable in our own country as in Europe, it should be said that in our large Eastern cities the desirability of a modified chaperonage has long been recognized in certain circles, and it has always existed there. Whether the European idea or the American will ultimately prevail, it is hard to tell. The growing association between our own and other lands, neces- sarily brings us somewhat under the influence of their ideas. It must be remembered also that the freedom of intercourse between American men and women is neither possible nor desirable where foreigners with their very different views are concerned. Hence in New York city, with its large foreign population, chaperonage is more insisted upon than it is in Boston, with its small and comparatively homogeneous popu- 209 MunntTB a«J» hartal Mau^ts lation. The growing independence of American wom- en, however, as well as their participation in business and the affairs of the world, is likely to lessen the de- mand for the chaperon. It must always be remembered, however, that those for whom her protection is especially claimed are yoimg and immature persons. A girl who is still a minor in the eyes of the law, unfit and unable to take care of her own property until she is twenty-one years of age, may well be thought to need a certain amount of guardianship. Fortunately, most girls are happy enough to have a mother who can watch over them, and yet not fret them by undue restraint. It is not considered proper in England for a wid- owed father to place an unmarried daughter at the head of his house without the companionship of a resident chaperon, and there are grave objections to its being done here. We have all known instances where such liberty has been very bad for young girls, and where it has led to scandals which the presence of a chaperon would have averted. The duties of a chaperon are very hard and unre- mitting, and sometimes very disagreeable. According to the strictest foreign views she must accompany her charge every^vrhere; she must sit in the parlor when she receives gentlemen; go with her to the ball, the party, the races, the dinners, and especially to theatre- parties; she must preside at the table, and act the part of a mother, so far as she can; she must watch the characters of the men who approach her charge, 3IO (Hif^pivana unh tlfttr lutiPB and endeavor to save the inexperienced girl from the dangers of a bad marriage, if possible. To perform this feat, and not to degenerate into a Spanish duenna, a dragon, or a fool, is a very difficult task. No doubt a vivacious American girl, with all her in- herited hatred of authority, is a troublesome charge. All young people are rebels. They dislike being watch- ed and guarded. They have no idea what Hesper- idean fruit they are, and they object to the dragon decidedly. But a wise, good-tempered woman can manage the situation. If she have tact, a chaperon can add very much to the happiness of her yotmg charge. She will see that the proper men are introduced ; that her young lady is provided with a partner for the german; that she is asked to nice places; that she goes well dressed and properly accompanied; that she gives the return party herself in handsom.e style. "I owe," said a wealthy widower in New York, whose daughters all made remarkably happy mar- riages — -"I owe all their happiness to Mrs. Constant, whom I was so fortunate as to secure as their chap- eron. She knew society (which I did not), as if it were in her pocket. She knew exactly what girls ought to do, and she was so agreeable herself that they never disliked having her with them. She was very rigid, too, and would not let them stay late at balls; but they loved and respected her so much that they never rebelled, and now they love her as if she were really their mother." 211 Mnnntvji anb Mortal Haaggg A woman of elegant manners and of charming char- acter, who will submit to the slavery — for it is little less — of being a chaperon, is hard to find; yet every motherless family should try to sectire such a person. In travelling in Europe, an accomplished chaperon can do more for young girls than any amount of fort- une. She has the thing they want — that is, knowledge. With her they can go everywhere — to picture-galler- ies, theatres, public and private balls, and into society, if they wish it. It is "etiquette" in Europe to have a chaperon, and it is the greatest violation of it not to have one. If a woman is protected by the armor of work, she can dispense with a chaperon. The young artist goes about her work unquestioned; but in society, with its different laws, she must be under the care of an older woman than herself. There are non-resident chaperons who are most pop- ular and most useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly lady may chaperon a number of young ladies to a din- ner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the bay, or a ball at West Point. This lady looks after all her young charges, and attends to their propriety and their happiness. She is the guardian angel, for the moment, of their conduct. It is a care which young men always admire and respect — this of a kind, well- bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits of her charges to run away with them. The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the sort of social talent which a chaperon ought to have, 212 (Hlfvipttttna anh t^Hr Suttta is the best friend of a family of shy girls. She brings them forward, and places them in a position in which they can enjoy society; for there is a great deal of tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of handling, which only the social expert understands. To this the chaperon should be equal. There are some women who have a social talent which is simply Na- poleonic. They manage it as a great general does his corps de bataille. Again, there are bad chaperons. A flirtatious mar- ried woman who is thinking of herself only, and who takes young girls about merely to enable herself to lead a gay life (and the world is full of such women) , is worse than no chaperon at all. She is not a protection to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable men who would like to approach her charge. A very young chaperon, bent on pleasure, who undertakes to make respectable the coaching - party, but who has no dignity of character to impress upon it, is a very poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have arisen from this choice of young chaperons, which is a mere begging of the question, •and no chaperonage at all. Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are kept, silly stories are circulated, and appearances are disregarded by these gay girls and their young chap- erons; and yet they dislike very much to see them- selves afterwards held up to ridicule by foreigners, IS 213 tann^ra anJJ Mortal Maag^a whose every sentiment of propriety, both educated and innate, has been shocked by their conduct. A young Frenchman who visited America a few years ago formed the worst judgment of American women because he met one alone at an artist's studio. He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and correc- tive influences of art. It had not occurred to the lady that if she went to see a picture she would be suspected of wishing to see the artist. Still, the fact that such a mistake could be made should render girls careful of even the appearance of evil. A chaperon should in her turn remember that she must not open a letter. She must not exercise an un- wise surveillance. She must not suspect her charge. All that sort of Spanish espionage is always outwit- ted. The most successful chaperons are those who love their young charges, respect them, try to be in every way what the mother would have been. Of course, all relations of this sort are open to many drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible that it may be an agreeable relation, if both sides exercise a little tact. In selecdng a chaperon for a young charge, let par- ents or guardians be very particular as to the past history of the lady. If she has ever been talked about, ever suffered the bad reputation of flirt or coquette, do not think of placing her in that position. Men's clubs have long memories, and the fate of more than one young heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious choice of a chaperon. If any woman should have a 214 flltfapprntta anb tijptr iwttpa spotless record and admirable character it should be the chaperon. It' will tell against her charge if she have not. Certain needy women who have been ladies, and who precariously attach to society through their families, are always seeking for some young heiress. These women are very poor chaperons, and should be avoided. This business of chaperonage is a point which de- mands attention on the part of careless American mothers. No mother should be oblivious of her duty in this respect. It does not imply that she doubts her daughter's honor or truth, or that she thinks she needs watching, but it is proper and respectable and necessary that she should appear by her daughter's side in society. The world is full of traps. It is im- possible to be too careful of the reputation of a young lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an elegant and respectable woman of middle-age accom- panies every young party. It goes far to silence the ceaseless clatter of gossip ; it is the antidote to scandal ; it makes the air clearer; and, above all, it improves the character, and manners, and elevates the minds of the young people who are so happy as to enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a cultivated, wise, and good chaperon. No young lady, or ci-devant young lady, should travel in Europe and expect to be received in society without a chaperon. Not even at the house of her own ambassador will she be well received if she is alone. We all may know her at home, and may respect her character and her inde- 215 MannstB unh Mortal laagPH pendence, but she will be fatally misjudged in Italy and France, and not too well received in England, if she goes about alone. All this, of course, applies to social life in the large cities, especially in those of the East. The West still looks askance at the chaperon, except in a few circles, and on very formal occasions, and it must be admitted that her girls do not suffer from the fact. What people do at home, where their characters are known, is another thing, but if they outrage etiquette in a foreign land, woe be unto them. CHAPTER XXVII ETIQUETTE FOR SPINSTERS f/LL w HE question is sometimes asked, whether a young woman of thirty-five, at the head of her father's house, with no intention of ever manying, requires a chaperon. A young lady of thirty-five is sometimes a very attractive person, and does "not look her age." Still, as she is at the head of her father's house, etiquette does yield a point and allow her to judge for herself as to the proprieties which must bend to her. Of course, with every year of a woman's life after twenty-five, she becomes less and less the subject of chaperonage. For one thing, she is better able to judge of the world and its temptations; in the second place, a certain air which may not be less winning, but which is certainly more mature, has replaced the grace of girlhood. She has, with the assumption of years, taken on a dignity which, in its way, is fully the com- pensation for some lost bloom. Many people prefer it. But we must say here that she is not yet, in Euro- pean opinion, entirely emancipated from that guard- ianship which society dispenses with for the youngest widow. She must have a "companion" if she is a 217 Manntrn anit hartal Mgaggg rich woman; and if she is a poor one she should, if possible, join some party of friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with her maid, but in Paris and other Continental cities a woman still young-looking had better not do this. She is not safe from insult nor from injurious suspicion if she signs herself "Miss" Smith, and is without her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or a party. In America a woman can go anywhere and do al- most anything without fear of insult. But in Europe, where the custom of chaperonage is so universal, she must be more circumspect. In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of thirty-five wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her admission to picture-galleries and theatres she has an indisputable right to do so. But we are not fighting for a right, only defining a law of etiquette, when we say that it is not generally allowed in the best society, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty-five it may be permitted as a sort of camaraderie, as one college friend may pay for another. The point is, however, a delicate one. Men, in the freedom of their clubs, recount to one another the clever expedi- ents which many women of society use to extort from them boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's. A woman should remember that it may sometimes be very inconvenient to young men who are invited by her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for these pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a de- 218 lEtiqufttP for ^pinattra faulter has to thank for it the lady who first asked him to take her to Delmonico's to supper. He was ashamed to tell her that he was poor, and he stole that he might not seem a churl. Another phase of the subject is that a lady in per- mitting a gentleman to expend money for her pleas- ures assumes an obligation to him which time and chance may render oppressive. With an old friend, however, one whose claim to friendship is well established, the conditions are changed. In his case there can be no question of obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly any of those small attentions and kindnesses which friendly feeling may prompt him to offer to her. Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at one time allowed in the West. A Kentucky woman of that historic period, "before the war," would not have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything, everjrwhere, "for a lady." The increase in the population of the Western States and the growth of a wealthy and fashionable society in the large towns have greatly modified this spirit of tmwise chivalry, and such customs are passing away even on the frontier. "An old maid," may do almost anything without violating etiquette, if she consents to become a chap- eron, and takes with her a younger person. Thus an aunt and niece can travel far and wide ; the position of an elder sister is always dignified; the youthful head of 219 Mnntttrs nnh Mortal llattg^B a house has a right to assert herself — she must do it — therefore etiquette bows to her (as "nice customs courtesy to great kings"). There is very much in the appearance of a woman. It is a part of the injustice of nature that some people look coquettish who are not so. Bad taste in dress, a high color, a natural flow of spirits, or a loud laugh has often caused a very good woman to be misinterpreted. Such a woman should be able to sit in judgment upon herself; and remem- bering that in a great city, at a crowded theatre, or at a watering-place, judgments must be hasty and su- perficial, she should tone down her natural exuber- ance, and take with her a woman companion who is of a different type from herself. Calm and cold Puritanical people may not be more respectable than the fresh-colored and laughing "old maids" of thir- ty-five, but they look more so, and in this world women must consult appearances. An elderly girl must even think how she looks. A woman who at a watering-place dresses conspicuously, dyes her hair, or looks as if she did, ties a white blond veil over her locks, and sits on a hotel piazza, showing her feet, may be the best, the most prudent woman in the house, but a superficial observer will not think so. In the mind of every passer-by will lurk the feeling that she lacks the first grace of womanhood, modesty — and in the crit- icism of a crowd there is strength. A man passing such a person, and contrasting her with modestly dressed and unobtrusive ladies, would naturally form an un- favorable opinion of her; and were she alone, and 220 ^txqtxttU for ^pinsUtB her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss" Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her decidedly eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If, however, "Miss" Smith were very plain and quiet, and dressed simply and in good taste, or if she sat on the sands looking at the sea, or attended an invalid or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as in- dependent as she pleased; she would suffer from no injurious comments. Even the foreigner, who does not believe in the eccentricities of the English " Mees," would have no word to say against her. A good-look- ing elderly girl might say, "There is, then, a premium on ugliness"; but that we do not mean. Handsome women can conduct themselves so well that the breath of reproach need not and does not touch them, and ugly women may and do sometimes gain an unde- served reproach. There are some people who are bom with what we call, for want of a better name, a pinchbeck air. Their jewelry never looks hke real gold; their man- ner is always bad; they have the false air of fashion, not the real one. Such people, especially if single, receive many a snub which they do not deserve, and to a woman of this style a companion is almost nec- essary. Fortunately there are almost always two women who can join forces in travelling or in living together, and the independence of such a couple is deUghtful. We have repeated testimony in English literature of the pleasant lives of the Ladies of Llan- gollen, of the lives of Miss Jewsbury and Lady Mor- Munn^vs atth ^flrial 3IaagpB gan, and of the model sisters Berry. In our own country we have almost abolished the idea that a com- panion is necessary for women of talent who are phy- sicians or artists or musicians; but to those who are still in the trammels of private life we can say that the presence of a companion need not destroy their liberty, and it may add very much to their happiness. There is, no doubt, a great pleasure in the added free- dom of life which comes to an elderly girl. ' ' I can wear a velvet dress now," said an exceedingly handsome woman on her thirtieth birthday. In England an un- married woman of fifty is called "Mrs.," if she prefers that title. So many delightful women are late in loving, so many are true to some buried love, so many are "elderly girls" from choice, and from no neglect of the stronger sex, that to them should be accorded all the respect which is supposed to accrue naturally to the married. "It takes a very superior woman to be an old maid," said Miss Sedgwick. CHAPTER XXVIII OPTIONAL CIVILITIES HERE are many optional civilities in life which add very much to its charm if ob- served, but which cannot be called indis- pensable. To those which are harmless and graceful we shall give a cursory glance, and to those which are doubtful and perhaps harmful we shall also briefly allude, leaving it to the common- sense of the reader as to whether he will hereafter observe in his own manners these so-called optional civilities. In France, when a gentleman takes off his hat in a windy street or in an exposed passageway, and holds it in his hand while talking to a lady, she always says, "Couvrez vous" (I beg of you not to stand uncovered.) A kind-hearted woman says this to a boatman, a coach- man, a man of low degree, who always takes off his hat when a lady speaks to him. Now in our country, unfortunately, the cabmen have such bad manners that a lady seldom has the opportunity of this optional civility, for, unlike a similar class in Europe, those who serve you for your money in America often throw in a good deal of incivility with the service, and no book 223 Mann^rH unh Mortal %aa^tB of etiquette is more needed than one which should teach shop-girls and shop-men the beauty and advan- tages of a respectful manner. By this we do not mean a servile or cringing attitude. In a country where all are equal before the law, every one has a right to bear himself with the dignity of an American citizen. But rudeness is not dignity. A self-respecting man or woman should certainly show to others the respect which he desires them to extend to him. If men who drive carriages and street cabs would learn the most advantageous way of making money, they would learn to touch their hats to a lady when she speaks to them or gives an order. It is always done in the Old World, and this respectful air adds infinitely to the pleasures of foreign travel. In all foreign hotels the landlords enforce such re- spect on the part of the waiters to the guests of the hotel that if two complaints are made of incivility, the man or woman complained of is immediately dismissed. In a livery-stable, if the hired coachman is complained of for an uncivil answer, or even a silence which is construed as incivility, he is immediately discharged. On the lake of Como, if a lady steps down to a wharf to hire a boat, every boatman takes off his cap until she has finished speaking, and remains uncovered until she asks him to put on his hat. Now optional civilities, such as saying to one's social inferior, "Do not stand without your hat," to one's equal, "Do not rise, I beg of you," "Do not come out in the rain to put me in my carriage," nat- 224 ©pttnttal ©tttilttt^B urally occur to the kind-hearted, but they may be cultivated. It used to be enumerated among the uses of foreign travel that a man went away a bear and came home a gentleman. It is not natural to the Anglo-Saxon race to be over -polite. They have no petits soins. A husband in France moves out an easy- chair for his wife and sets a footstool for every lady. He hands her the morning paper, he brings a shawl if there is danger of a draught, he kisses her hand when he comes in, and he tries to make himself agreeable to her in the matter of these little optional civilities. It has the most charming effect upon all domestic life, and we find a curious allusion to the politeness ob- served by French sons towards their mothers and fathers in one of Molifere's comedies, where a prodigal son speaks to his father, who comes to denounce him. "Pray, sir, take a chair," says Prodigal; "you could scold me so much more at your ease if you were seated." In the matter of "keeping a hotel" — a slang expres- sion which has become a proverb — ^how well the women in Europe understand their business, and how poorly the women in America understand theirs! In England and all over the Continent the newly arrived stranger is received by a woman neatly dressed, with pleasant, respectful manners, who is overflowing with optional civilities. She conducts the lady to her room, asks if she will have the blinds drawn or open, if she will have hot water or cold, if she would like a cup of tea, etc.; she sends a neat chambermaid to take her orders, gets her pen and paper for her notes — in fact, treats 225 MnnntvB anb Mortal Haagta her as a lady should treat a guest. Even in very rural districts the landlady comes out to her own door to meet the stranger, holds her neat hand to assist her to alight, and performs for her all the service she can while she is under her roof. In America a lady may alight in what is called a tavern, weary, travel-stained, and with a headache- She is shown into a waiting-room where sits, perhaps, an overdressed woman in a rocking-chair violently fanning herself. She learns that this is the landlady. She asks if she can have a room, some hot water, etc. The answer may be, "I don't know; I don't have to work; perhaps Jim will tell you." And it is to the man of the house that the traveller must apply. It is a favorable sign that American men are never ashamed to labor, although they may not overflow with civility. It is a very unfavorable sign for the women of America when they are afraid or ashamed of work, and when they hesitate to do that which is nearest them with civility and interest. Another test of self-respect, and one which is some- times lacking in those whom the world calls fashion- able, those who have the possessions which the major- ity of us desire — ^fine houses, fine clothes, wealth, good position, etc. — ^is the lack or the presence of "fine cour- tesy," which shall treat every one so that he or she is entirely at ease. "Society is the intercourse of persons on a footing of apparent equality," and if so, any one in it who treats other people so as to make them uncomfortable 226 O9(tti0ital atxttis always a Mrs. Candor, a Sir Benjamin Backbite, and a scandalous college at Newport, in New York, Mil- waukee, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, Bar Harbor, wherever society congregates. It is the nec- essary imperfection, the seamy side. Such is the re- verse of the pattern. Unfortunately, the right side is not so easily described. The colors of a beautiful bit of brocade are, when seen as a whole, so judiciously blended that they can hardly be pronounced upon individually: one only admires the general effect, and that uncritically, perhaps. That society is bad whose members, however tena- cious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate cer- emonials, have one code of manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by rea- son of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social in- fluence. Bad manners are apt to prove the concom- itant of a mind and disposition that are none too good, and the fashionable woman who slights and wounds people because they cannot minister to her ambition challenges a merciless criticism of her own moral shortcomings. A young girl who is imperti- nent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or her mother's friends, who talks slang, who is careless in her bearing towards young men, permitting them to treat her as if she were one of themselves, who accepts the attention of a young man of bad character or dis- sipated habits because he happens to be rich, who is loud in dress and rough in manner — such a young girl 233 (attn^rs atth Mortal Itaa^fs is "bad society," be she the daughter of an earl or a hod-carrier. There are many such instances of au- dacity in the so-called "good society" of America, but such people do not spoil it; they simply isolate themselves. A young man is "bad society" who is indifferent to those older than himself, who neglects to acknowl- edge invitations, who sits while a lady stands, who goes to a ball and does not speak to his host, who is selfish, who is notoriously immoral and careless of his good name, and who throws discredit on his father and mother by showing his ill-breeding. A parvenu who assumes to keep other people out o*. the society which she has just conquered, whose thoughts are wholly upon social success (which means, with her, knowing somebody who has heretofore re- fused to know her), who is climbing, and throwing backward looks of disdain upon those who also climb — such a woman, unforttmately too common in Amer- ica, is, when she happens to have achieved a fashion- able position, one of the worst instances of bad society. She may be very prominent, powerful, and influential. She may have money and she may "entertain," and people desirous of being amused may court her, and her bad manners will be accepted by the careless ob- server as one of the concomitants of fashion. The reverse is true. She is an interloper in the circles of good society. It will thus be seen that "fashion has many classes, and many rules of probation and admission. " A yotmg 234 (gonb anil IBab g'nri^tg person ignorant of its laws should not be deluded, however, by false appearances. If you meet with rudeness, take no revenge, cast no aspersions. Wit and tact, accomplishments and social talents, may have elevated some woman to a higher popularity than another, but no woman will gain that height by complaining. Command of temper, delicacy of feeling, and elegance of manner — all these are de- manded of the persons who become leaders of society and would remain so. They alone are "good soci- ety." Their imitators may masquerade for a time, and tread on toes, and fling scorn and insult about them while in a false and insecure supremacy; but such pretenders to the throne are soon unseated. There is a dreadful overthrow awaiting them. They distrust their own flatterers; their "appanage" is not a solid one. People who are looking on at society from a dis- tance must remember that women of the world are not always worldly women. They forget that brill- iancy in society may be accompanied by the best heart and the sternest principle. The best people of the world are those who know the world best. They recognize the fact that this world should be known and served and treated with as much respect and sin- cerity as that other world, which is to be our reward for having conquered the one in which we live npw. CHAPTER XXX society's small-talk NE of the most difficult questions to answer is, 'What shall I talk about at a dinner-party?" For if there is a woman in the world who does not know what to talk about, is it not a very difficult thing to tell her? One can almost as well answer such a question as, "What shall I see out of my eyes?" Yet our young lady is not the first person who has dilated of late years upon the "decay of conversa- tion," nor the only one who has sometimes felt the heaviness of silence descend upon her at a modern dinner. No doubt this same great and unanswerable question has been asked by many a traveller who, for the first time, has sat next an Englishman of good family (perhaps even with a handle to his name) , who has answered all remarks by the proverbial but un- sympathetic "Oh!" Indeed, it is to be feared that it is a fashion for young men nowadays to appear indif- ferent, to conceal what ideas they may happen to have, to try to appear stupid, if they are not so, throwing all the burden of the conversation on the lively, viva- cious, good-humored girl, or the more accomplished 236 §or«tg'a ^mall-talk married woman, who may be the next neighbor. Women's wits are proverbially quick, they talk readi- ly, they read and think more than the average young man of fashion is prone to do; the result is a quick and a ready tongue. Yet the art of keeping up a flow of agreeable and incessant small-talk, not too heavy, not pretentious or egotistical, not scandalous, and 'not commonplace, is an art that is rare, and hardly to be prized too highly. It has been well said that there is a great difference between a brilHant conversationalist and a ready small- talker. The former is apt to be feared and to pro- duce a silence around him. We all remember Macau- lay and "his brilliant flashes of silence." We all know that there are talkers so distinguished that you must not ask both of them to dinner on the same day lest they silence each other, while we know others who bring to us just an average amount of tact, facil- ity of expression, geniality, a pleasant gift at a quotation, and a bit of repartee ; such a person we call a ready small-talker, a "most agreeable person," one who frightens nobody and who has a great popularity. The first point to be considered, if one has no inspira- tion in regard to small-talk, would seem to be this: try to consider what subject would most interest the person next to you. There are people who have no other talent, whom we never call clever, but who do possess this instinct, and who can talk most sym- pathetically, while knowing scarcely anything about the individual addressed. There are others who are 237 Mannera and Mortal Hsu^ts deficient in this gift, who can only say "Really" and "Indeed." These "Really" and "Indeed" and "Oh" people are the despair of the dinner-giver. It is a good plan for a shy young person, who has no confidence in her own powers of conversation, to fortify herself with several topics of general interest, such as the last new novel, the last opera, the best and newest gallery of pictures, or the flower in fashion, and to invent a formula, if words are wanting in her organization, as to how these subjects should be intro- duced and handled. Many ideas will occur to her, and she can silently arrange them. Then she may keep these as a reserve force, using them only when the conversation drops, or she is unexpectedly brought to the necessity of keeping up the ball alone. Some people use this power rather unfairly, leading the con- versation up to the point where they wish to enter; but these are not the people who need help — they can take care of themselves. After talking awhile in a perfunctory manner, many a shy young person has been astonished by a sudden rush of brilliant ideas, and finds herself talking naturally and well without effort. It is like the launching of a ship; certain blocks of shjmess and habits of mental reserve are knocked away, and the brave frigate Small-talk takes the water like a thing of life. It demands much tact and cleverness to touch upon the ordinary events of the day at a mixed dinner, be- cause, in the first place, nothing should be said which can hurt any one's feelings, politics, religion, and the 238 §ontttt*0 ^mall-talk stock-market being generally ruled out; nor should one talk about that which everybody knows, for such small-talk is impertinent and irritating. No one wishes to be told that which he already understands better, perhaps, than we do. Nor are matters of too private a nature, such as one's health, or one's servants, or one's disappointments, still less one's good deeds, to be talked about. Commonplace people also sometimes try society very much by their own inane and wholly useless criticisms. Supposing we take up music; it is far more agreeable to hear a person say, "How do you like Melba?" than to hear him say, "I like Melba, and I have these reasons for Uking her." Let that come afterwards. When a person really qualified to discuss artists, or literary people, or artistic points, talks sensibly and in a chatty, easy way about them, it is the perfection of conversation; but when one wholly and utterly in- competent to do so lays down the law on such sub- jects he or she becomes a bore. But if the young person who does not know how to talk treats these questions interrogatively, ten chances to one, unless she is seated next an imbecile, she will get some very good and light small-talk out of her next neighbor. A good story was told of a bright New York girl and a very stupid Englishman at a Newport dinner. The Englishman had said "Oh" and "Really" and "Quite so" to everything which this bright girl had asked him, when finally, very tired and very angry, she said, "Were you ever thrown in the hunting-field, 239 Manmra und Mortal Msu^ta and was yoiir head htirt ?" The man turned and gazed admiringly. "Now you've got me," was the reply. And he talked all the rest of the dinner of his croppers. Perhaps it may not be necessary or useful often to unlock so rich a repertoire as this; but it was a very welcome relief to this young lady not to do all the talk- ing during two hours. After a first introduction there is, no doubt, some difficulty in starting a conversation. The weather, the newspaper, the last accident, the little dog, the pictures, the love of horses, etc., are good and unfailing resources, except that very few people have the readiness to re- member this wealth of subjects at once. To recollect a thing apropos of the moment is the gift of ready- witted people alone, and how many remember, hours after, a circumstance which would have told at that particular moment of embarrassment when one stood twiddling his hat and another twisted her handker- chief. The French call "V esprit d'escalier" — "the wit of the staircase" — the gift of remembering the good thing you might have said in the drawing-room, just too late, as you go up-stairs. However, two newly in- troduced persons gfenerally overcome this moment of embarrassment, and then some simple offer of service, such as, "May I get you a chair?" "Is the air from that window too cold?" "May I bring you some tea?" occurs, and then the small-talk follows. Gossip may promote small-talk among those who are very intimate and who live in a narrow circle. But how profoundly uninteresting is it to an out- 240 BatUtis'B ^maU-tallt sider! — how useless to the real man or woman of the world! That is, unless it is literary, musical, artistic gossip. Scandal ruins conversation, and should never be included even in a definition of small-talk. Polite, humorous, vivacious, speculative, dry, sarcastic, epi- grammatic, intellectual, and practical people all meet around a dinner-table, and much agreeable small-talk should be the result. It is unfortunately true that there is sometimes a failure in this respect. Let a hostess remember one thing: there is no chance for vivacity of intellect if her room is too warm; her flow- ers and her guests will wilt together. There are those also who prefer her good dishes to talking, and the old gentleman in Punch, who rebuked his lively neighbor for talking while there were "such entries coming in," has his counterparts among ourselves. Some shy talkers have a sort of empirical way of starting a subject with a question like this: "Do you know the meaning and derivation of the term 'bric-k- brac.i"" "Do you believe in ghosts?" "What do you think of a woman's club ?" "Do you believe in chance ?" "Is there more talent displayed in learning the violin than in playing a first-rate game of chess?" etc. These are intellectual conxmdrums, and may be re- peated indefinitely where the person questioned is dis- posed to answer. With a flow of good spirits and the feeling of ease which comes from a knowledge of soci- ety, such questions often bring out what Margaret Fuller called "good talk." But if your neighbor says "Oh," "Really," "In- 241 MunnttB nnh Spatial Mun^ta deed," "I don't know," then the best way is to be purely practical, and talk of the chairs and tables, and the existing order of things, the length of trains, or the shortness of the dresses of the young ladies at the last ball, the prevailing idea that "ice-water is un- healthy," and other such extremely easy ideas. The best way to learn how to talk is, of course, to learn how to think: from full wells one brings up buckets full of clear water, but there can be small-talk without much thought. The merest trifle generally suffices to start the flow of small-talk, and the person who can use this agreeable weapon of society is always popular and very mtlch courted. CHAPTER XXXI DRESS UESTIONS are often asked as to the appropri- ate dress to be worn at afternoon tea, at balls, at dinners, christenings, etc. Neatness and simple elegance should al- ways characterize a lady, and after that she may dress as expensively as she pleases, if she only does so at the right time. And we may say here that simplicity and plainness characterize many a rich woman in a high place; one can always tell a real from an imitation lady by her style of dress. Vulgar- ity is readily seen even under a costly garment. There should be harmony and fitness, and suitability as to age and times and seasons. Every one can avoid vul- garity and slovenliness; and in these days, when the fashions travel by telegraph, one can be b, la mode. For balls in this country, elderly women are not ex- pected to go in low neck unless they wish to, so that the chaperon can wear a dress such as she would wear at a dinner — either a velvet or brocade, cut in Pompa- dour shape, trimmed with lace. All her ornaments should match in character, and she should be as un- like her charge as possible. The young girls look best 243 lann^rH anb #nrtal llaag^a in light gossamer material, in tulle, crape, or chiffon, in pale, light colors or in white, while an elderly, stout woman never looks so badly as in low-necked light- colored silks or satins. Young women look well in natural flowers; elderly women, in feathers and jew- elled head-dresses. No woman should overdress in her own house; it is the worst taste. All dress should correspond to the spirit of the entertainment given. Light - colored silks, sweeping trains, bonnets very gay and garnished with feathers, lace parasols, and light gloves are fit for carriages at the races, but they are out of place for walking in the streets. They may do for a wedding- reception, but they are not fit for a picnic or an excur- sion. Lawn-parties, flower shows, and promenade con- certs should all be dressed for in a gay, bright fashion; and the costumes for these and for yachting purposes may be as effective and coquettish as possible; but for church, for readings, for a morning concert, for a walk, or a morning call on foot, a tailor-made costume, with plain, dark hat, is the most to be admired. One should avoid wearing a "showy" hat when walking in the street. The costumes for picnics, excursions, journeys, and the sea-side should be of a strong fabric, simple cut, and plain color. Materials which will wash are better for our climate. Serge, tweed, and piqu^ are the best. The trim tailor-made dresses and short skirts for bicy- cle riders leave nothing to be desired as to conciseness and healthfulness, but they are not often becoming. 244 Some Frenchman said he could tell a gentleman by his walk; another has lately said that he can tell a lady by the way she sits down. A woman is allowed much less freedom of posture than a man. He may change his position as he likes, and loll or lounge, cross his legs, or even nurse his foot if he pleases; but a woman must have grace and dignity; in every gest- ure she must be "lady-like." Any one who has seen a great actress like Modjeska sit down will know what an acquired grace it is. A woman should remember that she "belongs to a sex which cannot afford to be grotesque." Plain satins and velvets, rich and dark brocades, made by an artist, make any one look well. The elderly woman should be able to move without effort or strain of any kind; a black silk well made is indispensable; and even "a celebrity of a by-gone day" may be made to look handsome by a judicious but not too brilUant toilette. For afternoon tea in this country the hostess gener- ally wears a handsome high-necked gown, low-cut dresses being reserved for dinner and evening wear. For visiting at afternoon teas no change is made from the ordinary walking-dress, except that the three or four ladies who help receive come in handsome recep- tion-dresses. It is a mistake even for a rich woman to possess too many dresses. They get out of fashion, and, excepting for a girl going out to many balls, they are entirely unnecessary. A girl who is dancing needs to have 17 24s iiattM^ra attJi ^ntial ISaag^a her wardrobe perpetually renewed, for slie should be always fresh, and the "wear and tear" of the cotillion is enormous. There is nothing so poor as a dirty, faded, and patched-up ball-dress; the dancer had bet- ter stay at home than wear such. Tight lacing is very unbecoming to those who usually adopt it — women of thirty-eight or forty, who are growing a little too stout. In thus trussing themselves up, they simply get an unbecoming redness of the face, and are not the handsome, comfortable-looking creat- ures which heaven intended they should be. School-girls should be simply and quietly dressed, with little or no jewelry. A young girl who comes to school in an elaborate and expensive costume, and decked out with finery, shows a lack of good taste and ignorance of the customs of the best society. In the evening she may wear a pretty, light dress, but it should be simply made. CHAPTER XXXII ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING HERE is no possibility of touching upon the subject of death and burial, and the condi- tions tinder which funerals should be con- ducted, without hurting some one's feelings. Custom, which makes slaves of us all, has decreed that we shall wear black, as a mark of respect to those we have lost, and as a shroud for ourselves, protesting against the gentle ministration of light and cheerfulness with v/hich our Lord ever strives to reach us. This is one side of the question; but, again, one word as to its good offices. A mourn- ing-dress does protect a woman while in deepest grief against the untimely gayety of a passing stranger. It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil she can hide herself as she goes out for business or recreation, fearless of any intrusion. Questions on the subject of the etiquette of mourn- ing usually begin with the end, as it were — ^the return of the moiuTier to the world. ' When persons who have been in mourning wish to re-enter society, they should leave cards on or send these to all their friends and acquaintances, as an in- 247 timation that they are equal to the paying and receiv- ing of calls. Until this intimation is given, society will not venture to intrude upon the mourner's privacy. Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourn- ing which does not necessitate seclusion — that which is worn out of respect to a husband's relative whom one may never have seen. But no one wearing a heavy crape veil should go to a gay reception, a wedding, or a theatre; the thing is incongruous. Still less should mourning prevent one from taking proper recreation: the more the heart aches, the more should one try to gain cheerfulness and compostire, to hear music, to see faces which one loves: this is a duty, not merely a wise and sensible rule. Yet it is well to have some estab- lished customs as to visiting and dress in order that the gay and the heartless may in observing them avoid that which shocks every one — an appearance of lack of respect to the memory of the dead — ^that all society may move on in decency and order, which is the object and end of the study of etiquette. The English, from whom we derive our fashion in funeral matters, have a limitation provided by social law which is a useful thing. They now decree that crape shall only be worn six months, even for the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not exceed a year. A wife's mourning for her husband is the most conventionally deep mourning allowed, and every one who has seen an English widow will agree that she makes a "hearse" of herself. Bom- bazine and crape, a widow's cap, and a long, thick 248 lEtiqufttf af Matxtninj^ veil — such is the modem English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of black cripe lisse, but it is generally of white. In this country a widow's first mourning - dresses are covered almost entirely with crape — a sort of penitential and self-mortifying dress. There are now, however, other and more agreeable fab- rics which also bear the dead black, lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, and which are not so costly as crape, or so disagreeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for those of less weight are ^famine, nun's veiling, and dull silks. Widows wear deep mourning, consisting of woollen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and sometimes for life, in America. For the first six months the dress should be of crape cloth, or Henrietta cloth trimmed with crape, collar and cufEs of Swiss muslin or other white material, a crape bonnet with a long crape veil, and a widow's cap of white crape if preferred. In America, however, widow's caps are not as tmiversally worn as in England. Dull black kid gloves are worn in first mourning; after that gants de Subde or silk gloves are proper, particu- larly in stimmer. After six months' mourning the ' crape can be removed. After twelve months the widow's cap is left off, and the heavy veil is exchanged for a lighter one; the dress can be of silk grenadine, plain black gros-grain, or crape-trimmed cashmere with jet trimmings, and crepe lisse about the neck and sleeves. 249 tatttt^ra anb Mortal 3laagfa All kinds of black ftir and seal-skin are worn in deep motiming. A widower wears black for one or two years, al- though many American men do not wear mourning costumes, unless it be a band on the hat. Mourning for a father or mother should last one year, although some people still adhere to the old cus- tom of wearing it for twice that length of time, light- ening it in a twelvemonth. During half a year should be worn Henrietta cloth or serge trimmed with crape. A deep veil is worn at the back of the bonnet, but not over the head or face like the widow's veil, which covers the entire person when down. This fashion is very much objected to by doctors. Fortunately the crape veil over the face is now out of fashion, except for use; at funerals, or for persons very recently bereaved; a veil of silk gauze has been introduced which is considered deep enough for wid- ows (a veil which is light and healthful), whose dress need no longer be "non-assthetic and unhygienic." It is always costly, if crape is used, the widow's dress. A small veil of black tulle or gauze is often worn over the face, by persons in deep mourning, in addition to the heavier one which is thrown back over the bonnet. Mourning for a brother or sister may be the same as for a parent. It is now usually worn for one year only; for a step-father or step-mother the same; for grandparents the same ; but the duration may be short- er. In England this sort of respectful mourning only lasts three months. 250 Etiqupttf nf linurning Mourning for children should last nine months. The first three the dress should be crape-trimmed, the motiming less deep than that for a husband. A mother wears black for a grown-up son or daughter one or two years, lightening it at the close of a twelvemonth, if not before. No one is ever ready to take off mourn- ing; therefore these rtiles have this advantage — they enable the friends around a grief-stricken mother to tell her when is the time to make her dress more cheer- ful, which she is botmd to do for the sake of the stir- vivors. Wives wear mourning for the relatives of their hus- bands precisely as they would for their own, as would husbands for the relatives of their wives. Widowers go into society at a much earlier date than widows, it being a received rule that all gentlemen in mourning for relatives go into society very much sooner than ladies. The period of mourning for an aunt or imcle or cousin is of three months' duration, and that time at least shotdd elapse before the family go out or into gay company, or are seen at theatres or operas, etc. Ladies of the family attend the funeral of a relative if they are able to do so, and wear their deepest mourn- ing. Servants are usually put in mourning for the head of the family — sometimes for any member of it. They should wear a plain black livery and weeds on their hats; the inside lining of the family carriage should also be of black. For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is 251 jMattttgrg unh Mortal Haaggfl no doubt that it makes a very handsome dress. It is a singular fact that there is a certain comfort to some people in wearing very handsome black. Worth, on being asked to dress an American widow whom he had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said that he wished to see "whether she was the sort of woman who would relish a becoming black." Very elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on crape — the beautiful soft French crape — ^but lace is never "mourning." During a very dressy half mourn- ing, however, black lace may be worn on white silk. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. It is proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although this is not absolutely necessary. Relatives and connections by marriage who do not intend to wear mourning, often appear in black on the occasion of the obsequies. Half-mourning grada- tions of gray, purple, or lilac have been reinstated, and combinations of black and white are used. Compli- mentary mourning is black silk without crape. The French have three grades of mourning — deep, ordi- nary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woollen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woollen ; in half mourning, gray and violet. An Ameri- can lady is always shocked at the gayety and cheerful- ness of French mourning. In France, etiquette pre- scribes mourning for a husband for one year and six weeks — ^that is,' six months of deep mourning, six of 252 lEJtqttfttf nf linurtting ordinary, and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six months — three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America, with no fixity of rule, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they have never seen, and have remained as gloomy mon-uments of bereavement for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left to express the real grief which fills their lives — ^no deeper black to go into. This complimentary mourn- ing should be, as in the French custom, limited to two or three weeks. The health of a delicate child has been known to be seriously affected by the constant spectacle of his mother in deep mourning. Therefore every mourner should try to curtail this period. Cards and note-paper are now put into mourning by those who desire to express conventionally their regret for the dead; but very broad borders of black look like ostentation, and are in bad taste. No doubt all these things are proper enough in their way, but a narrow border of black tells the story of loss as well as an inch of coal-black gloom. The fashion of carry- ing handkerchiefs which are made with a two-inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border of black may well be deprecated. 253 Mutintva nnh #nrial 1l0agf0 Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, must see the clergyman and officials who manage the ceremony. Pall-bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house of the deceased, ac- companying the remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. After the funeral only the members of the family return to the house, and it is not expected that a bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of her family for several weeks. While we must carefully avoid intruding upon those who are in sorrow, we must also avoid the other extreme of neglecting them. People who have a large circle of relatives and intimate friends, usually do not care to see those outside of it. But a mourner may be left alone and very desolate, longing for a little human sympathy. Hence, while we do not expect those in recent affliction to see us, we may in- qtiire whether they will do so, if our acquaintance warrants this. Kind notes expressing sympathy are most welcome to the afflicted from intimate friends, and gifts of flow- ers, or any testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate. Cards are usually sent by acquaint- ances bearing a message as "With deepest sympa- thy " written above the sender's name. In the course of a month after a death all friends of the deceased are expected to leave cards on the surviv- ors, and it is discretionary whether these be written on or not. These cards should be carefully preserved, 254 lEttqw^ttf nf Manrnxn^ that they may be properly acknowledged. A card may be engraved, "Mr. Browning returns his thanks for kind expressions of sympathy." This can be sent through a secretary to all who have left cards, or the words may be written over his name "Thanks for sympathy." The period of a mourner's retirement from the world has been very much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor is there any gayety in the house. In this country no person in mourning for a parent, a child, a brother, or a husband is expected to be seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before three months have passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go to a dinner or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. Indeed, a deep mourning-dress at such a place is an impleasant anomaly. If one choose, as many do, not to wear mourning, then they can go unchallenged to any place of amusement, for they have asserted their right to be independent; but if they put on mourning they must respect its etiquette. Twenty years or less ago, many who sorrowed deeply, and who regarded the crape and solemn dress as a mark of respect to the dead, deemed it almost a sin for a woman to go into the street, to drive, or to walk, for two years, without a deep crape veil over her face. It was a common remark of the censorious that a person who lightened her mourning before that time "did not care much for the 2SS Mnnntra ntth hartal Haag^a deceased." There has been a great change, however, of late years. The number of people who do not wear mourning dress has increased, and those who do no longer feel obliged to seclude themselves so strictly, unless this is in accordance with their own feelings. Common sense and common decency, however, should restrain the frivolous from engaging much in the amusements and gayeties of life before six months have passed after the death of any near relative. If they pretend to wear black at all, they should respect the restraint which it imposes. CHAPTER XXXIII LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE ROBABLY no branch of the epistolary art has ever given to friendly hearts so much perplexity as that which has to do with writ- ing to friends in affliction. It is delightful to sit down and wish anybody joy; to over- flow with congratulatory phrases over a fa- vorable bit of news; to say how glad you are that your friend is engaged or married, or has inherited a fort- une, has written a successful book, or has painted a good picture. Joy opens the closet of language, and the gems of expression are easily found; but the foun- tain of feeUng being chilled by the tmcongenial atmos- phere of grief, by the sudden horror of death, or the more terrible breath of dishonor or shame, or even by the cold blast of undeserved misfortime, leaves the in- dividual sympathizer in a mood of perplexity and of sadness which is of itself a most discouraging frame of mind for the inditing of a letter. And yet we sympathize with our friend: we desire to tell him so. We want to say: "My friend, your grief is my grief; nothing can htut you that does not hurt me. I cannot, of course, enter into all your feel- 257 tanttfrfl unh S>at\ui Maagfa ings, but to stand by and see you hurt, and remain unmoved myself, is impossible." All this we wish to say; but how shall we say it so that our words may not hurt him a great deal more than he is hurt already? How shall we lay our hand so tenderly on that sore spot that we may not inflict a fresh wound? How can we say to a mother, who bends over a fresh grave, that we regret the loss she has sustained in the death of her child? Can language measure the depth, the height, the immensity, the bitterness of that grief? What shall we say that is not trite and commonplace — even unfeeling? Shall we be pagan, and say that "whom the gods love die young," or Christian, and remark that "God does not willingly afflict the chil- dren of men?" She has thought of that, she has heard it, alas! often before — but too often, as she thinks now. Shall we tell her what she has lost — ^how good, how loving, how brave, how admirable was the spirit which has just left the flesh? Alas! how well she knows that ! How her tears well up as she remembers the silent fortitude, the heroic patience under the pain that was to kill! Shall we quote ancient phi- losophers and modem poets? They have all dwelt at greater or less length upon death and the grave. Or shall we say, in simple and unpremeditated words, the thoughts which fill our own minds? The person who has to write this letter may be a ready writer, who finds fit expression at the point of his pen, and who overflows with the language of 258 ICftttra nf (HanhnUttte consolation — such a one needs no advice; but to the hundreds who do need help we would say that the simplest expressions are the best. A distant friend, upon one of these occasions, wrote a letter as brief as brief might be, but of -its kind altogether perfect. It ran thus: "I have heard of your great grief, and I send you a simple pressure of the hand." Coming from a gay and volatile person, it had for the mourner great consolation; pious quotations, and even the commonplaces of condolence, would have seemed forced. Undoubtedly, those persons do us great good, or they wish to, who tell us to be resigned — that we have deserved this affliction; that we sufEer now, but that our present sufEerings are nothing to what our future sufEerings shall be; that we are only entering the portals of agony, and that every day will reveal to us the magnitude of our loss. Such is the formula which certain persons use, under the title of "letters of condolence." It is the wine mixed with gall which they gave our Lord to drink; and as He refused it, so may we. There are, no doubt, persons of a gloomy and a religious temperament combined who delight in such phrases; who quote the least consolatory of the texts of Script- ure; who roll our grief as a sweet morsel under their tongues; who really envy the position of chief mourner as one of great dignity and considerable consequence; who consider crape and bombazine as a sort of royal mantle conferring distinction. There are many such people in the world. Dickens and Anthony TroUope 259 Munntrs nnh Mortal lljaag^a have put them into novels — solemn and ridiculous Malvolios; they exist in nature, in literatvtre, and in art. It adds a new terror to death when we reflect that such persons will not iail to make it the occasion of letter- writing. But those who write to us strongly and cheerfully, who do not dwell so much on our grief as on our remaining duties — they are the people who help us. To advise a mourner to go out into the sun, to resume his work, to help the poor, and, above all, to carry on the efforts, to emulate the virtues of the deceased — this is comfort. It is a very dear and consoling thing to a bereaved friend to hear the excellence of the de- parted extolled, to read and reread all of the precious testimony which is borne by outsiders to the saintly life ended — and there are few so hard-hearted as not to find something good to say of the dead: it is the im- pulse of human nature; it underlies all our philosophy and our religion; it is the "stretching out of a hand," and it comforts the afflicted. But what shall we say to those on whom disgrace has laid its heavy, defiling hand? Is it well to write to them at all? Shall we not be mistaken for those who prowl like jackals round a grave, and will not our motives be misun- derstood? Is not s)nnpathy sometimes malice in dis- guise? Does not the phrase "I am so sorry for you!" sometimes sound like "I am so glad for myself?" Undoubtedly it does; but a sincere friend should not be restrained, through fear that his motive may be mistaken, from saying that he wishes to bear some 260 Sl^ttpra of Qlan&nbtttp part of the btirden. Let him show that the unhappy man is in his thoughts, that he would like to help, that he would be glad to see him, or take him out, or send him a book, or at least write him a letter. Such a wish as this will hurt no one. Philosophy — some quaint and dry bit of old Seneca, or modem Rochefoucauld — -has often helped a strug- gUng heart when disgrace, deserved or undeserved, has placed the soul in gyves of iron. Sympathetic persons, of narrow minds and imper- fect education, often have the gift of being able to say most consolatory things. Irish servants, for instance, rarely hurt the feelings of a mourner. They burst out in the language of Nature, and, if it is sometimes gro- tesque, it is almost always comforting. It is the edu- cated and conscientious person who finds the writing of a letter of condolence difficult. Perhaps much of our dread of death is the result of a false education, and the wearing of black may after all be a mistake. At the moment when we need bright colors, fresh flowers, sunshine, and beauty, we hide ourselves behind crape veils and make our garments heavy with ashes; but as it is conventional it is in one way a protection, and is therefore proper. No one feels like varying the expressions of a grief which has the Anglo-Saxon seriousness in it, the Scandinavian melancholy of a people from whom Nature hides her- self behind a curtain of night. To the sunny and graceful Greek the road of the dead was the Via Felice; it was the happy way, the gate of flowers; the tombs •8 261 Manngra atxh Mortal Hgaggg were furnished as the houses were, with images of the beloved, and the veriest trifles which the deceased had loved. One wonders, as the tomb of a child is opened on the road out of Tanagra, near Athens, and the toys and hobby-horse and little shoes are found therein, if, after all, that father and mother were not wiser than we who, like Constance, "stuff out his vacant garments with his form." Is there not some- thing quite unenlightened in the persistence with which we connect death with gloom? Our friends often ask us how soon a letter of condolence should be written? As soon as possible. Do not be afraid to intrude on any grief. It is gen- erally a welcome distraction, to even the most mor- bid mourner, to read a letter; and those who are so stunned by grief as not to be able to write or to read will always have some willing soul near them who will read and answer for them. The afflicted, however, should never be expected to answer letters. They can and should receive the kindest and the most prompt that their friends can indite. Often a phrase on which the writer has built no hope may be the airy bridge over which the sorrow- ing soul returns slowly and blindly to peace and resig- nation. Who would miss the chance, be it one in ten thousand, of building such a bridge ? Those who have suffered and been strong, those whom we love and re- spect, those who have the honest faith in human nature which enables them to read aright the riddle of this strange world, those who by faith walk over burning 262 ISlttUrB of (HanliaUnti ploughshares and dread no evil, those are the people who write the best letters of condolence. They do not dwell on our grief, or exaggerate it, although they are evidently writing to us with a lump in the throat and a tear in the eye — they do not say so, but we feel it. They tell us of the certain influence of time, which will change our present grief into our future joy. They say a few beautiful words of the friend whom we have lost, recount their own loss in him in a few fitting words of earnest sympathy which may carry consolation, if only by the wish of the writer. They beg of us to be patient. God has brought life and im- mortality to light through death, and to those whom "he has thought worthy to endure," this thought may ever form the basis of a letter of condolence. "Give me," said the dying Herder, "a great thought, that I may console myself with that." It is a present of no mean value, a great thought; and if every letter of condolence could bear with it one broad phrase of honest sympathy it would be a blessed instrumentality for carrying patience and resignation, peace and com- fort, into those dark places where the sufEerer is eating his heart out with grief, or where Rachel "weeps for her children, and will not be comforted, because they are not." We are often asked whether letters of condolence should be written on black-edged paper. Decidedly not, unless the writer is in mourning. The telegraph now flashes messages of respect and sympathy across sea and land like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is 263 M&nnttB unh hartal 1las9»0 better than any other word of sympathy, although all who can should write to a bereaved person. In France a long and deeply edged mourning letter or address, called a faire part, is sent to every one known to the family to advise them of a death. In this country that is not done, although some mention of the deceased is generally sent to friends in Europe who would not otherwise hear of the death. CHAPTER XXXIV LETTER-WRITING HE person who can write a graceful note is always spoken of with phrases of commen- dation. The epistolary art is said to be es- pecially feminine, and the novelists and es- sayists are full of compliments to the sex, which is alternately praised and objurgated, as man feels well or ill. Bulwer says: "A woman is the genius of epistolary communication. Even men write better to a woman than to one of their own sex. No doubt they conjure up, while writing, the loving, listening face, the tender, pardoning heart, the ready tear of sympathy, and passionate confidences of heart and brain flow rapidly from the pen." But there is no such thing now as an "epistolary style." Our im- mediate ancestors wrote better and longer letters than we do. They covered three pages of large letter- paper with crow-quill handwriting, folded the paper neatly, tucked up one edge beneatlj the other (for there were no envelopes), and then sealed it with a wafer or with sealing-wax. To send one of these epistles was expensive — twenty-five cents from New York to Boston. However, the electric telegraph and cheap 265 j93ann?rB and Mortal llsttg^a postage and postal-cards may be said, in a way, to have ruined correspondence in the old sense ; lovers and fond mothers doubtless still write long letters, but the busi- ness of the letter-writer proper is at an end. The writ- ing of notes has, however, correspondingly increased. The frequency with which notes upon business and pleasure must fly across a city and a continent has done away, also, with the sealing-wax, whose definite, red, clear oval was a fixture with our grandfathers, and which is still the only elegant, formal, and ceremoni- ous way acknowledged in England of sealing a letter. There were, however, serious objections to the use of wax in this country, which were discovered during the early voyages to California. The intense heat of the Isthmus of Panama melted the wax, and letters were irretrievably glued together, to the loss of the address and the confusion of the postmaster. So the glued envelope — common, cheap, and necessary — ^be- came the prevailing fashion for all notes as well as letters. The use of wax is prohibited in correspond- ence with Cuba and the Philippines. The custom of closing all ceremonious notes with sealing-wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious, and every young person should learn how to seal a note properly. To get a good impression from an engraved stone seal, anoint it lightly with Unseed -oil, to keep the wax from adhering, then dust it with rouge powder to take off the gloss, and press it quickly, but firmly, on the melted wax. The taste for colored note-paper with flowers in the 266 Stttfr-mHting comer was common among the belles of fifty years ago — the "rose-colored and scented billet-doux" is often referred to in the novels of that period. But colored note-paper fell into disuse long ago, and for the last few years we have not seen the heavy tints. A few pale-greens, grays, blues, and lilacs have, indeed, found a place in fashionable stationery, but at the present moment white and pale - gray are considered the most stylish colors. Ladies have simply the address of their city resi- dence or the name of their country place printed at the top of the paper, in blue or black, or simply in embossed lettering without color. For notes and in- formal correspondence, persons Uving in the cotmtry use, in addition to the address, the name and number of their telephone engraved diagonally across one comer of the paper, the address to which telegrams should be sent occupying the opposite comer. There is one fashion which has never changed, and will never change, which is always in good taste, and which, perhaps, would be to-day the most perfect of all styles, and that is good, plain, thick, white note- paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and sealed with sealing-wax which bears the imprint of the writer's coat of arms. No one can make any mistake who uses such stationery as this in any part of the world. On such paper and in such form are ambassadors' notes written; on such paper and in such style would the Princess Louise write her notes. However, there is no law against the monogram. 267 MunntxB nnh hartal 3laag?0 Some ladies still prefer it, and always use the paper which has become familiar to their friends. Mono- grams are seldom used on envelopes. The plan of having all the note-paper marked with the address is an admirable one, for it effectually re- minds the person who receives the note where the answer should be sent — information of which some ladies forget the importance, and which should al- ways be written, if not printed, at the head of a let- ter. It also gives a stylish finish to the appearance of the note-paper, is simple, unpretending, and useful. Some fashionable women also have their address en- graved on the flap of the envelope for its return if not delivered. The ink should invariably be black. .The plain black ink, which gives the written characters great distinctness, is the only fashionable medium. Every lady should study to acquire an elegant, free, and educated hand; there is nothing so useftil, so sure to commend the writer everywhere, as such a chirog- raphy; while a cramped, poor, slovenly, tmeducated, unformed handwriting is sure to produce the impres- sion upon the reader that those qualities are more or less indicative of the writer's character. We cannot enter into that great question as to whether or not handwriting is indicative of character; but we hold that a person's notes are generally char- acteristic, and that a neat, flowing, graceful hand, and a clean sheet, free from blots, are always agreeable to the eye. The writer of notes, also, must carefully dis- 268 Sjftttr-mrtttng criminate between the familiar note and the note of ceremony, and should learn how to write both. Custom demands that we begin all notes in the first person, with the formula of "My dear Mrs. Smith," and that we close with the expression, "Yours cor- dially," "Yours with much regard," "Yours most sin- cerely," or "Yours very sincerely," etc. To end a letter "Sincerely" or "Faithfully," without the addi- tional word "Yours," is discourteous, even vulgar. For a business letter, "Sincerely yours" or "Very truly yours "is used. It is very vulgar to sign a note "Mrs. G. F. Brown." Sign your own name, "Gertrude F. Brown," and add in parenthesis (Mrs. John Brown) when writing a business letter to a stranger. The laws of etiquette do not permit us to use nu- merals, as 3,4, s, but demand we write out three, four, five. No abbreviations are allowed in a note to a friend, "S"^ be glad to see you"; one must write out, "I should be glad to see you." The date should follow the signing of the name in a note. In a letter it is put with the address at the top of the paper. A great and very common mistake existing among careless letter-writers is the confusion of the first and third persons; as a child would write, "Miss Lucy Clark will be happy to come to dinner, but I am go- ing somewhere else." This is, of course, ignorant and improper. A note in answer to an invitation should be written in the third person, if the invitation be in the third person. No abbreviations, no visible hurry, but an 269 MunnttB unh S>ativii Mau^Qta elaborate and finished ceremony should mark such epistles. For instance, an acceptance of a dinner in- vitation must be written in this form: Mr. and Mrs. Cadogan have great pleasure in accepting the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Sutherland for dinner at seven o'clock on the evening of July the sixth One lady in New York was known to answer a din- ner invitation simply with the words, "Come with pleasure." It is unnecessary to add that she was never invited again. It is impossible to give persons minute directions as to the style of a note, for that must be the outgrowth of years of careful education, training, and good men- tal powers. "To write a pretty note" is also some- what of a gift. Some young men and young girls find it very easy, others can scarcely acquire the gift. It is, however, absolutely necessary to strive for it. In the first place, arrange your ideas, know what you want to say, and approach the business of writing a note with a certain thoughtfulness. If it is neces- sary to write it hastily, summon all your powers of mind, and try to make it brief, intelligible, and com- prehensive. Above all things, spell correctly. A word badly spelled stands out like a blot on a familiar or a cere- monious note. 270 S^ttfr-writinj Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to any one; it will remain to call up a certain prejudice against you in the mind of the recipient. The fashion is not now, as it once was, imperative that a margin be left around the edge of the paper. People now write all over the paper, and thus abolish a certain elegance which the old letters undoubtedly possessed. But postage is a consideration, and all we can ask of the youthful letter-writers is that they will not cross their letters. Plaid letters are the horror of all peo- ple who have not the eyes of a hawk. No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. To do so is both inelegant and unfashionable, and savors of the school-room. Every young person should learn to write without lines. Dates and numerical designations, such as the num- ber of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but quantities should be expressed in words. According to present fashion, dates are written out, but to write out that of the year — as nineteen hundred and seven — savors of affectation. The name of the street should always be written out in full; the number should be given in figures, as "47 West Eighteenth Street." Few abbreviations are respectful. A married lady should always be addressed by her husband's Christian name and surname, as "Mrs. John J. Astor," etc. In this country, where we have no titles, it is the custom to abbreviate everything except the title of "Reverend," which we always give to the clergy. But it would be better if we made a practice of giving 271 MunntvB anb ^nrtat Maaggg to each person his special title, and to all returned ambassadors, members of Congress, and members of the legislature the title of "Honorable." The Ro- man Catholic clergy and the bishops of the Episcopal and Methodist churches should be addressed by their proper titles, as Right Reverend Silas Linworth, D.D., and a note should be, Uke a salutation, infused with respect. It honors the writer and the person to whom it is written, while a careless letter may injure both. The use of the type-writer has become so universal in commercial circles that business letters are almost invariably written upon it. It would be considered as very discourteous to employ it either for giving or answering an invitation. Indeed, it is not thought a proper medium of communication for social corre- spondence. CHAPTER XXXV QUESTIONS ANSWERED HEN should a gentleman wear his hat 'and when take it off? A gentleman wears his hat in the street, or on a steamboat deck, raising it to a lady acquaintance; also in the lobby of a hotel or theatre. He never wears it inside the auditorium of a theatre or opera-house, and seldom in the parlors of a hotel. The etiquette of raising the hat on the staircases and in the halls of a hotel as gentlemen pass ladies is much commended abroad, but is unusual in America. In Eu- rope each man raises his hat as he passes a bier, or if a hearse carrying a dead body passes him. In this coun- try men simply raise their hats as a funeral cortege passes into a church, or at the grave. If a gentleman, particularly an elderly one, takes off his hat and stands uncovered in a draughty place, as the foyer of an opera- house, while talking to ladies, it is proper for one of them to say, "Pray resume your hat" — a delicate at- tention deeply prized by a respectful man, who, per- haps, would not otherwise cover his head. Young American women ask many questions on the subject of propriety, showing how anxious they are to 273 iiattn^ra nnh ^ativii Hfiag^ii do right, but also proving how far they are from appre- hending what in Old-World customs has been always considered propriety. In our new country the rela- tions of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances demand. As, for in- stance, a lady asks if she should thank a gentleman for paying for her on an excursion. Now this involves a long answer. In Europe no young lady could ac- cept an invitation to go as the guest of a young gentle- man on "an excursion," and allow him to pay for her, without losing much reputation. She would not in either England or France be received in society again. She should be invited by the gentleman through her father or mother, and one or both should accompany her. Even then it is not customary for gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an excursion. He could invite the lady's mother to chaperon a theatre-party which he had paid for. Another young lady asks if she could with pro- priety buy the tickets and take a young gentleman to the theatre. Of course she could, if her mother or another older woman friend would go with her; but even then the mother or friend should write the note of invitation. But in our free country it is considered allowable, particularly in the West, for a young lady and gentle- man to go off on "an excursion" together, the gen- tleman paying all the expenses. If that is allowed, 274 (jPttfHttanH AttHutfrpIii then, of course — ^to answer our question — she should thank him. Another question which is perpetually asked is this: How to allow a gentleman a proper degree of friendly intimacy without allowing him to think him- self too much of a favorite. Here we cannot bring in either etiquette or custom to decide. One very general law would be not to accept too many atten- tions, to show a certain reserve in dancing with him or driving with him. It is always proper for a gen- tleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog- cart with his servant behind, if her parents approve; but if it is done very often, of course it looks con- spicuous, and the lady runs the risk of being consid- ered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether her looks and words give him reason to think that he is a favorite. She must decide all that herself. Another asks if she should take a gentleman's hat and coat when he calls. Never. Let him take care of those. Christianity and chivalry, modem and an- cient custom, make a man the servant of women. The old form of salutation used by Sir Walter Raleigh and other courtiers was always, "Your servant, mad- am," and it is the prettiest and most admirable way for a man to address a woman in any language. Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman who calls on her to her mother. This, we should say, would answer itself. Of course she should. But even if in some less critical circles the restric- tions of etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always 275 Manmre unh Mortal HaaQtH remember these general principles, that men will like and respect her far better if she is extremely particu- lar about allowing them to pay for her, if she refuses two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and reserved rather than if she is the reverse. At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies to drive young men out with a groom behind, or even without a groom; but a gentleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage without a servant. Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime unattended, but if they ride on horseback a groom is always in attendance on the lady. In rural neigh- borhoods where there are no grooms, and where a young lady and gentleman go off for a drive unat- tended, they have thrown Old-World etiquette out of the window, and must make a new etiquette of their own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chiv- alry have done for women what all the surveillance of Spanish duennas and of French etiquette has done for the young girl of Europe. If a woman is a worker, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed. But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not etiquette when she comes into the world of fashion. She must observe etiquette, as she would do the laws of Prussia or of England, if she stands on foreign shores. Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty young girl who shall arrive on the steamer Majestic after being several years at school in Paris, another 276 (fufHtionB Anam^rpJi who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from some quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at a New York hotel for a winter. Let us imagine them all introduced at a New York ball to three gentlemen, who shall call on them the next day. If the girl edu- cated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears the others talk to the young men she will be shocked. The girls who have been brought up far from the centres of etiquette seem to her to have no modesty, no pro- priety. They accept invitations from the young men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and perhaps, as we have said, to "go on an excursion." To the French girl this seems to be a violation of propriety; but later on she accepts an invitation to go out on a coach, with perhaps ten or twelve others, and with a very young chaperon. The party does not return until twelve at night, and as they walk through the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl meets them, and sees that the young men are already the worse for wine; she is apt to say, "What a rowdy crowd!" and to think that, after all, etiquette permits its own sins, in which she is right. A young lady may use her discretion about accept- ing presents from a man old enough to be her father, but she should never receive jewelry from any one but a relative or her -fiance just before marriage. The rea- son for this is obvious. It has been abused — the privi- lege which all men desire, that of decking women with finery. A young lady should not write letters to young 19 277 Jlatttt^ra attb 0drtal llaag^a men, or send them presents, or take the initiative in any way. A friendly correspondence is very proper if the mother approves, but even this has its dangers. Let a yoimg lady always remember that she is to the young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the distance between them and extinguishes respect. Young women often ask whether it is proper for them to write letters of condolence or congratulation to women older than themselves. We should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always felt gratefully by older women. The manners of the present are vastly to be objected to on account of a lack of re- spect. The rather bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote satirically of the manners of young ladies. He even had his fling at their laugh: "Few are able to laugh what can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter from the throat outward, or at best produce some whifiQing husky cachinnations as if they were laughing through wool. Of none such comes good." A young lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous; she must even tone down her wit, lest she be misunderstood. But she need not be dull, or ill-tempered, or careless of her manners, particularly to her mother's old friends. She must not talk slang, or be in any way masculine. A young lady may do any manual labor without losing caste. She may be a good cook, a fine laundress, a carver of wood, a painter, a sculptor, an embroid- erer, a writer, a physician, and she will be eligible, if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere. But if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the 278 Q^upBttnttH An0tufrp& place where she is, she cannot expect to take her place in society. Should she be seen at Newport driving two gentlemen in her village-cart, or should she and another young woman take a gentleman between them and drive down Bellevue Avenue, she would be ta- booed. It would not be a wicked act, but it would not look well ; it would be in bad taste. If she dresses "loudly," with peculiar hats and a suspicious com- plexion, she must take the consequences. She must be careful (if she is unknown) not to attempt to copy the folHes of well-known fashionable women. What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown will never be forgiven to Miss Nobody. Society in this respect is very unjust — the world is always unjust — but that is a part of the truth of etiquette which is to be remembered; it is founded on the accidental con- ditions of society, having for its backgrotind, however, the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the greatest good of society. A young lady who is very prominent in society should not make herself too common; she should not appear in too many charades, private theatricals, tableaux, etc. She should remember the "violet by the mossy stone." She must, also, at a watering-place remember that every act of hers is being criticised by a set of lookers-on who are not all friendly, and she must, ere she allow herself to be too much of a belle, remember to silence envious tongues. CHAPTER XXXVI LADY AND GENTLEMAN HE question is often asked, "When shall the word lady and when the word woman be used ?" It is not of ultimate importance to a woman what she is called, but it is of im- portance to those who speak of her, because by their speech "shall ye know them," wheth- er fashionable or unfashionable, whether old or young, whether well-bred or ill-bred, whether stylish or hope- lessly out of date! Nothing, for instance, can be in worse taste than to say "she is a beautiful lady " or "a clever lady." One should always say "beautiful woman," "clever wom- an." The would-be genteel make this mistake con- stantly, and in the Rosa-Matilda style of novel the gentleman always kneels to the lady, and the fair ladies are scattered broadcast through the book, while the fine old Saxon word "woman" is left out, or not properly used. Now it would be easy enough to correct this if we could only tell those who are in doubt always to use the word "woman." But unfortunately we are here con- strained to say that that would be equally "bad form." 280 ^upBtiottB KnBvattih No gentleman would say, "I am travelling with wom- en." He would say, "I am travelling with ladies." He would speak of his daughters as "young ladies," etc., etc. But if he were writing a novel about these same young ladies, he would avoid the word "lady" as feeble, and in speaking of emotions, looks, qualities, etc., he would use the word "woman." Therefore, as a grand generic distinction, we can say that "woman" should be used when the realities of life and character are treated of. "Lady" should be used to express the outside characteristics, the con- ditions of cultivated society, and the respectful, dis- tant, and chivalric etiquette which society claims for women when members thereof. Then, our querist may ask. Why is the phrase "she is a beautiful lady" so hopelessly out of style? Why does it betray that the speaker has not lived in a fashionable set? Why must we say "nice woman," "clever woman," "beautiful woman," etc. The only answer to this is that the latter phrase- ology is a caprice of fashion into which plain-spoken people were driven by the affectations of the shabby- genteel and half-instructed persons who have ruined two good words for us by misapplication. One is "genteel," which means gentle, and the other is "lady," which means everything that is refined, cul- tivated, elegant, and aristocratic. Then as to the term "woman," this nomenclature has been much affected by the universal sans-culottism of the French Revolu- tion, when the Queen was called citoyenne. Much, 281 Mnntitva nnh Mortal Haag^a again, comes from our own absurd want of self-respect, which has accrued in this confusion of etiquette in a republic, as for instance, "I am a lady — as much a lady as anybody — and I want to be called a lady," remarked , a nurse who came for a situation to the wife of one of our presidents. "I have just engaged a colored lady as a cook," remarked a nouveau riche. No wonder that when the word came to be thus misapplied the lover of good English undefiled began to associate the word "lady" with pretension, ignorance, and bad grammar. Still, no "real lady" would say to her nurse, "A woman is coming to stay with me." To servants the term "lady," as applied to a coming guest, is indis- pensable. So of a gentleman she would say to her sei-vant, "A gentleman is coming to stay here for a week"; but to her husband or son she would say, "He is a clever man," rather than, "He is a clever gentleman." We might almost say that no women talk to men about "gentlemen," and no men talk to women about "ladies," in fashionable society. A woman in good society speaks of the hunting men, the dancing men, the talking men. She does not say "gentleman," un- less in some such connection as this, "No gentleman would do such a thing," if some breach of etiquette had occurred. And yet no man would come into a lady's drawing-room saying, "Where are the girls?" or "Where are the women?" He would say, "Where are the yotmg ladies?" 282 >ufatinna AttamprsJi It therefore requires a fine ear and a fine sense of modem fashion and of eternal propriety always to choose the right word in the delicate and almost un- settled estate of these two epithets. "Lady-like" can never go out of fashion. It is at once a compliment of the highest order and a suggestion of subtle per- fection. The word "woman" used alone does not reach up to this, because in its broad and strong etymology it may mean a washer-woman, a fighting woman, a coarse woman, alas! a drunken woman. If we hear of "a dnrnken lady," we see a downfall, a gHmpse of better days; chloral, opium, even cologne, may have brought her to it. The word still saves her miserable reputation a little. But the words "a drunken woman" merely suggest whiskey, degrada- tion, squalor, dirt, and the tenement-house. Yet when we wish to give the highest praise of all, we use the broad universal term woman, and not the narrower term lady. "A perfect Woman, nobly planned, To warn, to comfort, and command." It is evident that we cannot do without the word "lady." It is the outgrowth of years of chivalric devotion, and of that progress in the history of woman which has ever been raising her from her low estate. To the Christian religion first does she owe her rise; to the institution of chivalry, to the growth of civiliza- tion since, has woman owed her continual elevation. She can never go back to the degradation of thos^ 283 MunmrB nnh Mortal T&nuQiS days when, in Greece and Rome, she was not al- lowed to eat with her husband and sons. She waited on them as a servant. Now they in every country serve her, if they are gentlemen. But, owing to a curious twist in the way of looking at things, she is now undoubtedly the tyrant, and in fashionable society she is often imperiously ill-bred, and requires that her male slaves be in a state of servitude to which the Egyptian bondage would have been light frivolity. American women are said to be faulty in manners, particularly in places of public amusement, in railway travelling, in omnibuses, and in shops. Men complain very much that the fairer sex are very brutal on these occasions. "I wish women would behave like ladies," said a man at a matinee. "Yes," said his friend, "I wish they would behave like men." Just then a sharp feminine elbow was thrust into his side. "I wish gentlemen would not crowd so," was the remark which accompanied the "dig under the fifth rib" from a person whom no one could call a lady. In modem literature the terms man and woman have nearly obliterated the words gentleman and lady, and we can hardly imagine a more absurd phrase than the following: "I asked Mary what she thought of Charles, and she said he was a beautiful gentleman, and Charles said that Mary was a lovely lady; so it was quite natural that I should try to bring them together," etc., etc. The term "lady" is like the word "gentry" in Eng- land — it is elastic. All persons coming within the category of "gentry" may attend the Queen's Draw- 284 O^u^Bttons AnBtn^rfh ing-room, yet it is well understood that birth, wealth, association, and position give the raison d'etre for the use of such a privilege, and in that carefully guarded English society the wife or daughters of an officer in the navy or in a line regiment whose means are slen- der and whose position is obscure would not be jus- tified in presenting themselves at court. The same remark holds good of the wives and daughters of clergymen, barristers, doctors, authors, and artists, although the husband, if eminent, might attend a court reception if he wished. Yet these women are very tenacious of the title of lady, and no trades- man's wife would deny it to them, while she would not, if ever so rich, aspire to be called a lady herself. "I ain't no lady myself, but I can afford to have 'em as governesses," remarked a Mrs. Kicklebury on the Rhine. She was not at all ashamed of the fact that she was no lady herself, yet her compeer and equal in America, if she kept a gin-shop, would insist upon the title of lady. A lady is a person of refinement, of education, of fashion, of birth, of prestige, of a higher grade of some sort, if we apply the term rightly. She may be out of place through loss of fortune, or she may have sullied her title, but a something tells us that she is still a lady. We have a habit of saying, as some person perhaps well decked out with fortune's favors passes us, "She is not a lady," and every one will know what we mean. The phrase "vulgar lady," therefore, is an absurdity; there is no such thing; as well talk of a 28s Munn^rB and Mortal llaagrB white blackbird; the term is self -contradictory. If she is vulgar, she is not a lady; but there is such a thing as a vulgar woman, and it is a very real thing. Now as to the term "old woman" or "old lady." The latter has a pretty sound. We see the soft white curls, so like floss silk, the delicate white camel's-hair shawl; the soft lace and appropriate black satin gown, the pretty, old-fashioned manner, and we see that this is a real lady. She may have her tricks of old-fash- ioned speech; they do not offend us. To be sure, she has no slang; she doe's not talk about "awfully jolly " or a "ghastly way off"; she does not talk of the boys as being a "bully lot" or the girls as being "beastly fine"; she does not say that she is "feeling rather seedy to-day," etc. No, "ovir old lady" is a "lady," and it would be in bad taste to call her an "old wom- an," which somehow sounds disrespectful. Therefore, while begging of our readers to use the word "woman" whenever they can, we must suggest that they should not entirely drop the word "lady." The real lady or gentleman is very much known by the voice, the choice of words, the appropriate term. Nothing can be better than to err on the side of simplicity, which is always better than gush or over- efEort or conceit of speech. One may be "ignorant of the shibboleth of a good set," yet speak most ex- cellent English. Thackeray fsaid of George IV. that there was only one reason why he should not have been called the "first gentleman in Europe," and that was because he >s86 (!P«00tt0ttH Att0MP«b was not a gentleman. Therefore, while we see that birth does not always make a gentleman, we still get the idea that it may help to make one, as we do not readily connect the idea with Jeames, who was a "gentleman's gentleman." He might have been "fine," but not "noble." As for titles for married women, we have only the one word "Mrs.," not even the pretty French "Ma- dame." But no woman should write herself "Mrs." on her checks or at the foot of her notes; nowhere except in a hotel register, or on a card, should she give herself this title, simple though it be. She is always, if she writes in the first person, "Mary Smith," even to a person she does not know. This seems to trouble some people, who ask, "How will such a person know that I am married?" Why should he? If desirous of infomaing some distant servant or other person of that fact, add in parenthesis beneath "Mary Smith" the words (Mrs. John Smith.) When women are allowed to vote, perhaps further complications may arise. The truth is, married women have no real names. They simply are called by the name of the husband, and if they marry several times may well begin to doubt their own identity. Happy those who never have to sign but one new name to their letters! CHAPTER XXXVII 1 %^ ETIQUETTE FOR MEN UR young men, with the exception of the sons of multi-millionaires, are so occupied with business purstiits that it is difficult for them to find time to pay calls. Nevertheless, if they wish to goin to society, they must conform to its requirements. A hostess may well say, ' ' If you can spare an entire evening to dine at my house, you ought to be able to devote half an hour to a call, in acknowledgment of my hospitaHty." It is a great pity that evening calls have been sup- planted to such an extent by the late afternoon call in our large cities. The time for this is the five-o'clock tea hour — ^between five and half-past six in New York, for it will not do to detain one's hostess so long as to make her late in dressing for dinner. The hours for calling vary in different cities, and one should always try to ascertain and conform to local usage. To the man who can leave his office or place of business early, the hour for afternoon tea is a very pleasant time to go and see the ladies of his acquaintance. But for many people in large cities, and for all suburbanites who go back and forth on trains, no social visiting is pos- 288 Ettqu^ttf far Mtn sible before the evening. In New York, where eight o'clock is the fashionable hour for dining, society men have given up formal evening calls, since it is awk- ward to find the hostess engaged with a dinner-party. Where they are on a certain footing of intimacy, they use the telephone to ascertain whether the lady of the house will be at home in the evening, the proper hour for calhng being about nine o'clock. It has always been permissible for men to make what we may call familiar calls on Sunday, and the custom of paying and receiving visits on Stmday after- noon has increased in favor of late years. While many people disapprove strongly of the practice of devoting any part of Sunday to gayety, there would seem to be no reason to forbid a man's going to see his friends on his one free day. A gentleman would not, of course, pay a visit on Sunday at a house where he knew the hostess disapproved of the practice. It is proper to call after every invitation, and it is considered discourteous not to do so after a dinner or limcheon. These last visits should be made in per- son, especially the dinner-call, within one or two weeks. In New York city, with its immense distances, it is impossible for many busy men to carry out this rule, especially where they are much in demand as dinner guests. If it is a first invitation, a society man will make a special effort to pay the necessary dinner-call within the prescribed time. When he is unable to do so, he will send cards, and call as soon as he has leisure, or he will perhaps send flowers. While it is 289 Mnnnsra attb Mortal "Mau^ta becoming the custom in the metropolis for men to send cards through the mail, bachelors are expected to make personal calls also upon those who have en- tertained them as well as upon their intimate friends. In Washington it is not allowed to send cards by mail. Some gentlemen employ their private secre- taries to leave cards for them, however, on a day when the hostess is not receiving. A man usually leaves his overcoat, cane, hat, and gloves in the hall when paying an afternoon call. If the lady of the house is receiving, he hands his card to the servant, or places it on the hall-table. He then follows the servant to the drawing-room, where she holds open the door and announces him, according to modem custom. He does not shake hands with his hostess, unless she extends her hand first, this being a feminine privilege. If another caller enters he rises, and if a lady stands up he must rise and not resume his- seat until she takes hers. It is not proper for men to tiy to "sit each other out." The person who ar- rives first should be the first to leave, fifteen or twenty minutes being the proper length of time for a formal call. A man tries to turn his back as little as possible when leaving a room where there are ladies. Some men have adopted the pretty, foreign custom of stop- ping when they reach the door, clicking their heels together, and bowing as they are about to leave the room. But it takes a graceful man to do this well. A man must be very careftil not to step between two people who are talking, nor to step in front of any one 2go Itti^upttf for Mtn without apologizing. He must never permit a lady to move a chair without offering to assist her. He of course shakes hands with another man when they are introduced, but not with a woman. He must never call upon a lady, unless she has in- vited him to do so. If she is unmarried, he must ask for her mother also when pa3ring a formal call, es- pecially on the occasion of his first visit. In making the first call of the season, a gentleman should leave a card for the lady of the house, one for the gentleman of the family, and one for the daughter. It is not well, however, to leave more than two or three cards. In making subsequent calls it suffices to leave one card in acknowledgment of an invitation, unless he has been asked to meet some one, in which case, he should leave another card for the guest. It is always courteous, however, to leave a second card for the master of the house, and some authorities say that a bachelor should do this, just as one married lady leaves two cards of her husband's when calling at the house of another. If a young man is so forttmate as to pos- sess a mother or sisters, they may leave his cards with their own, in acknowledgment of other invitations than those for a dinner, luncheon, or similar occasion. Married men usually leave the business of formal visiting to their wives, and elderly bachelors sometimes claim the privilege of age, and perhaps the pressure of business cares, as an excuse for paying few calls. Society expects, however, that those who have re- 291 ilann^rB and Mortal T&auQsa ceived hospitality shall show their sense of obligation by making some return. At a ball a young man should be careful to dance with and show attention to the daughters of those who have asked him to their houses, as well as to the hostess of the evening. If invited to a debutante tea, he may send flowers. After making a week-end or longer visit, he must remember to write his hostess a graceful note of thanks within a week. He should answer all invita- tions except "at home " cards, promptly and courteous- ly, saying decidedly whether he is or is not able to accept the proffered hospitality. If he has pleasant quarters, he may invite ladies to a dinner or an afternoon tea there, or he may act as host at a theatre-party. In either case, he must be careful to secure the services of a chaperon, prefer- ably a relative. In Europe a young man must ask the consent of a girl's parents before paying his addresses to her. In otir own country this is usually postponed until after the engagement. An honorable man, however, should call on the father of his lady-love and ask his consent to the marriage as soon as possible. The announcement of the engagement should come first from the family of the young lady. It is often arranged ' to have the pleasant news formally an- nounced to the world on a certain day, previous to which the young couple take care to inform their near relatives and friends, so that these shall not be offend- ed by hearing the news from strangers. It is a breach 292 lEttqupttP for il^n of good manners to ask any one save a near relative or a very intimate friend whether the news of his en- gagement is true. One shotild wait patiently for the announcement. The family of the young man should pay the first call on that of his -fiancee; they should also show her hospitality, and treat her with cordiaUty. A man does not, as a rule, make a proposal of mar- riage unless he has a reasonable prospect of being able to marry within a year or two. However, one who is very much in love cannot be expected to run the risk of losing the girl of his heart by delay; but he ought to be frank about his prospects. It is to be feared that many young men in our day are deterred from marrying because they cannot afford large establishments, forgetting that the hap- piest marriages are often those where a young couple begin life on a small scale, making their way to- gether. The engagement - ring, where one is given, should bear some proportion to the means of the prospective bridegroom. A solitaire diamond is always fashionable; but no sensible girl would want one if she knew her fiance could not afford it! For other presents he must content himself with those which custom permits a man to send to a young woman — flowers, fruit, candy, or other trifles. He must by no means send her articles of dress, or offer to pay for her trousseau or any part of it. All the ao 293 M^txnsra anJ» ^nrtal Haag^a expenses of the wedding, including the cards, are borne by the family of the bride. Her betrothed should, however, be careful to make out in good season a full list of his friends and those of his family to whom cards or announcements are to be sent. The bridegroora must prociure the marriage license, in those States where one is reqtiired. He pays for this, of course, as also for the services of the clergy- man. He should be careful to ascertain beforehand the legal requirements in the place where the marriage is to take place. In some European countries very tedious formalities are necessary, especially in the case of foreigners. He should call on the clergjnnan in good season and engage his services. The fee varies with the means of the bridegroom, from five dollars upward. He places the amount (which should be in gold) in an en- velope, and intrusts it to the best man, who hands it to the clergyman on the day of the wedding. The bridegroom selects and pays for the wedding- ring, giving this also into the care of the best man. His other expenses are for the carriage which takes him and his best man to church, returning with the latter to the bride's house, the carriage in which the newly married couple leave the bride's house for their honey-moon, and sometimes for those used by the ushers. He usually sends a bouquet to the bride, and one to each of the bridesmaids, and may give a souvenir to each of the ushers. According to recent 294 lEttqufttP far Msn usage he also pays for the ties and gloves worn by these gentlemen at the wedding, and often presents them with a scarf-pin or other souvenir. If he gives a bachelor dinner, this will take place a few days before the raarriage, and his ushers will be among the guests. Thus it will be seen that the bridegroom can — ^if he chooses — expend quite a svixa. of money on the eve of his marriage, since he will also wish to make his bride a present, which is usually a piece of jewelry. The truth is, Americans have such a tendency to exaggeration, that church weddings in our country have now be- come occasions involving an amount of show, parade, and expense which borders upon vulgarity. Many people prefer to be married in a quieter way, thus avoiding pubUcity and ostentation. If the wedding is at the bride's house, neither ushers nor bridesmaids are necessary. The bride may enter with the bride- groom (the old custom), or with her father, as she would at the church ceremony. One would suppose that a gentleman would always wish to behave in a way worthy of the same, yet the behavior of some yoimg men at the wedding of a friend savors strongly of rowdyism. The tormenting of the bridal couple, bom- barding them and their carriage with missiles thrown with such violence sometimes as to frighten the horses, shows how little we have emerged from savagery. It is bad enough to do these things at the house of the bride's parents, but some young men so far forget themselves as to abuse the hospitality generously 29s offered them by a clergyman. To throw rice, flowers, or confetti about in the parlors of a parsonage is against all the laws of courtesy. COUNTRY CLUBS I believe it was Dr. Johnson who said that some people were not clubable. No one is a fit member of a country club unless he has the right spirit — a spirit of good-fellowship, fairness, and respect for the comfort as well as the rights of others. It is the duty of every member to inform himself of the regulations and to obey them. As the membership of a country club usually includes ladies, men must be especially careful to do nothing that would be disagreeable to these. There are some selfish people who keep within the letter of the rules, but violate the spirit. Thus a certain gentleman, who was very fond of fishing, managed to obtain more than his share by putting in his wife's name as well as his own when the drawing for the next day's fishing-pools took place. He thus sometimes secured two for the same morning, and, as his wife never fished, he was in the habit of going over to her pool if his own did not furnish good sport. No matter what distinguished person was a guest of the club, this man never thought of offering him the use of a pool. Needless to say that the member who showed such a selfish spirit became exceedingly tmpopular. Men should be careful to smoke only in such parts of the club-house as the rules permit, and to refrain 296 lEltquPtt? fat Mitt from pipe - smoking altogether, if this is forbidden. The rules of country clubs differ in different localities. A certain code of etiquette prevails, however, both in city and in country clubs. Thus the tipping of the employes, including caddies, is strictly forbidden. No servant or employ^ should ever be asked to leave the club (or, in the country, the club grounds) on per- sonal errands for members or guests. No club prop- erty can be taken from the premises. Advertisements and subscription-lists should not be posted in a club- house without the consent of the Board of Trustees. Some societies forbid playing games for stakes; some forbid games of cards and out-door sports on Sunday. A man must very carefully avoid introducing at his club any person for whose character and respectability he cannot vouch, since he himself is very properly held responsible for the conduct of the guest, and for the latter's debts also, should he contract any. A guest at a country club must conform to all the rules and must claim only the privileges offered him, whether of the grounds or of the house or both, and only for the specified length of time — a day, a fortnight, or what- ever it may be. He must never introduce another person to the club-house or grounds. He is not usual- ly permitted to take part in club competitions. A member introducing a guest should do so in the manner prescribed by the regulations — procuring a guest-card where this is necessary, and informing him of the club rules. A member usually accompanies his guest to the club on the occasion of the latter's introduction to it. 297 CHAPTER XXXVIII THE ETIQUETTE OF SPORT INCE the English have made a serious study and practice of sport, far exceeding those of any other modern nation, we may well look to them for its true spirit, as this under- lies all the etiquette of sports. The Frenchman who represented the Eng- ishman as saying, "This is a fine morning — let us go out and kill something," satirized keenly the brutality of the hunt. This is the bad side of the Britons' point of view, but there is a far better one, of which even the chase affords a glimpse, in spite of its attendant cruelties. Englishmen scorn to hunt a tame fox, and if any of them shoot birds that are partly domes- ticated, the rest are sure to make fun of them. They hold it to be unfair not to allow the quarry, no matter how humble, a chance for its life. They hunt not primarily to kill, but for the excitement of the contest — and, as we know, the sly fox often escapes. "Sport for sport's sake," not for what you can get out of it, game or prizes or honors. The great point is the pursuit or the sport itself — the joy of exercise in the open air, of keen concentration of mind, of a 298 Sljp lEttqttfttJ nf B'pari friendly and manly strife between honorable rivals. Play the game earnestly, seriously, fairly, and give every one a chance. Win by fair means if you can; far better lose than win by foul ones. Such is the EngUshman's motto. Or, to put it in a single phrase, he believes in "the survival of the fittest" in com- petitive sport. Of coxirse he doesn't always Uve up to his ideal, owing to the weakness of htunan nature, but he beheves in it. In our own country we have greatly bettered and improved many games through our inventive genius. But in the keenness of competition, which is one of our national weaknesses, we too often play merely to win, and are so eager about it that we sometimes forget to be fair. Women, who have had much less experience in out-of-door sports than men, need to be especially cautioned against the lack of seriousness on the one hand, and the tendency to unfairness or loss of temper on the other, which are so opposed to the true spirit of sport and are so exasperating to the gentiine sports- man. Men need to be cautioned, too, with regard to their demeanor when pla5ring with women. They must not get so interested in a game as to overtax the strength or endurance of a feminine opponent or partner. They must never forget the courtesy which an American man owes to women. Better lose a game or a set than fail in politeness towards a lady. Per- haps her view of the score and his are directly opposed — perhaps he feels perfectly sure he is right. Never- theless, he cannot insist that his companion is wrong — 299 MnntitvB attb hartal llBa^pa although he may be excused from playing with her in future, if he finds her unfair. Women who persist in such conduct, have only themselves to blame if men prefer not to play with them. GOLF It is pleasant to find that women not only play this ancient game with due seriousness, but actually with a grim and terrible earnestness — some women, that is to say. The old-time golfer objected to the admission of ladies to play on the links on account of their supposed frivolity. And now, by a strange turning of the tables, it is said to be the women who uphold the ancient traditions, the men viewing the game in a spirit frivo- lous by comparison. Miss Amy Pascoe, an English authority and former champion, divides lady golfers into three classes. First the Golfer. "A good match and a good score are her pleasures. She takes a genuine interest in links and clubs. From her the secretary hears no com- plaints of the difficulties on the course or the unfair- ness of her luck. She is a favorite with the handicap committee, because a reduction of her odds is followed by no outcry; it dares curtail her allowance on any im- provement of form shown, not waiting for a win, her ambition being a championship, not a button-hook!" Miss Pascoe 's description of the second class of lady golfers, the Pot-hunters, shows us what form of be- havior is most odious upon the links. "These pro- 300 ©Iff lEtxqttfttJ of Bpart fessional prize-catchers are fortunately not common. . . . Their only enjojrment is in winning. They are no sportswomen. If they lose, we know that we shall all hear about their bad luck. The way that bad luck 'goes' for them is extraordinary. Pot-hunters never seem to have any game of their own to think about, but they make up for this by taking a five-hundred horse-power interest in other people's." The third class she describes as the Players. ' ' Happy, light-hearted, irresponsible player! You hurry out to the tee and rush back again for balls! You putt and talk with the flag in the hole, and add up the score on the green, while two cracks wait to play their approach. We do not even expostulate when on the point of striking off the tee ; we are suddenly startled and miss the globe by hearing eager voices discuss Mrs. B's last dance from an adjacent green. To preserve you we will cede the golfer's imwritten rule of silence. Casual observers might think you had nothing to do with the game, and had merely come out for two hours' hard conversational exercise. Nevertheless, we like you!" Women must guard carefully against ugly and awkward attitudes when playing this game. The old- time golfers considered it too ungraceful a game for women, but it is said now that both men and women can play it gracefully — and without grace. Since the code of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, Scotland, is also the standard in this cotmtry, we will quote its rules of etiquette: 301 MunntTB nnh Mortal llHajfa A single player has no standing, and must always give way to a properly constituted match. No player, caddie, or on-looker should move or talk during a stroke. No player should play from the tee until the party in front have played their second strokes and are out of range, nor play up to the putting-green till the party in front have holed out and moved away. The player who has the honor from the tee should be allowed to play before his opponent tees his ball. Players who have holed out should not try their putts over again when other players are following them. Players looking for a lost ball must allow other matches, coming up, to pass them. On request being made, a three-ball match must allow a single, threesome, or four- some to pass. Any match playing a whole round may claim the right to pass a match playing a shorter round. If a match fail to keep its place on the green, and lose in distance more than one clear hole on those in front, it may be passed, on request being made. Turf cut or displaced by a stroke should at once be replaced. A player shotild carefully fill up all holes made by him- self in a bvmker. It is the duty of an umpire or referee to take cogni- zance of any breach of rule that he may observe, whether he be appealed to on this point or not. When a man and a woman play together, he carries her bag of clubs if there is no caddie to perform this service. He makes her tees and helps her to find her balls. The golfer must not become so interested in his 302 ®I|0 lEtiqviitU af ^pnrt favorite game as to drive the ball out of bounds, especially if he be near a road used by the general public. Not long since a player, in a town near New Yor"K City was so careless as to strike a lady passing on the neigh- boring highway with his ball. The force of the blow was so great as to cut her face and injure her front teeth. The player contented himself with saying he was sorry, but did nothing to help the lady and her escort. On proper representations to the president of the club, a day or two later, this callous person was made to understand his duty better, and offered to pay for the necessary medical attendance for the suf- ferer. The question of financial responsibility in such a case is, however, not the only point of view to be considered. Any member of a club is bound by his fellow-feeling for other players on the links to treat them with decent courtesy, and in this is included a reasonable care for life and limb. Golf has been called "the gentleman's game" and it is essentially so, not only because it is expensive to play, but because cour- tesy is so definitely a part of it. The man or woman who neglects these points of the etiquette of sport deserves to be expelled from or at least disciplined by the club. ARCHERY The interest in archery would seem to be as old and as yovnig as the human race. Every child has used a toy bow and arrows, if he has not roughly fashioned 303 Munmts ^nh Batxni TSien^tA them himself. When the boy reads the tales of the Greek heroes, he finds Ulysses slaying the suitors of Pe- nelope with the mighty weapon none beside could bend. The interest in archery, in England, is doubtless in- creased by its historic associations, and by the famous victories of the early English with the long-bow and the cross-bow. Its existence as a modem athletic sport dates back, in the mother-country, to 1781, when the Royal Tox- ophilite Society was formed. This still remains the leading association of its kind in England. A national archery association, which meets annually, was form- ed there in 1844. In the United States the sport has not been so pop- ular, and has not been carried to the same degree of perfection. The National Archery Association of the United States was formed in 1879, and holds an- nual contests. The inclusion of this sport in the Ol3rm- pic games at St. Louis, held under the auspices of the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, revived a certain amount of interest in the use of the bow and arrow. Archery is not so expensive as many games, the out- lay for the shooting paraphernalia being the principal expense, and these last a long time if properly cared for, with the exception of arrows, which are apt to get lost. No special dress is now deemed necessary, ordinary outing costume suf&cing. Of course if a club adopt a costume all the members should wear it at all the meets. Archery is thought to be one of the most 304 SIjp lEtlqufit* of ^i!0rt healthful of out-door sports, both for body and for mind. Maurice Thompson, one of the Americans who have done most to bring this sport into public favor, says of it in his Witchery of Archery, "It is rowing, fencing, and club practice, all in one, so far as its exer- cise of the muscles is concerned, without any of the objectionable and dangerous features of those excel- lent athletic performances." EngUsh, Scotch, and American archers shoot under the same regulations, those of the English National Association. The targets are fixed exactly opposite each other, at sixty yards, or more when a longer distance is to be covered, apart. "The proper num- ber of arrows, as fixed by the regulations, are then shot from each end (i. e., row of targets on their stands) by all the party assembled, when all proceed to pick up or extract their arrows, the marker scoring for each before drawing them from the target, after which the party shoot back again to the other end, and so on tmtil the whole number of ends have been shot." The word end is used also, as at the conclusion of the last sentence, to signify the number of shots fired con- secutively from one spot. Thus Mr. Thompson says, "Each shooter shall let go three arrows, and this shall be called an end." The test of skill is the double York round. This consists in shooting 288 arrows in all, 48 at 60 yards, 96 at 80, and 144 at 100 yards. The walking back and forth to recover the arrows makes a distance of about six miles. "We give below extracts from EngUsh Field Regulations: 305 jManngra attb Mortal Iggaggg The order of shooting is to be as the names are en- tered on the target-list, and any one not ready in his tiim shall shoot last. No one shall shoot out of his turn. No arrow to be, withdrawn from the target until scored by the Captain, tmder pain of losing its value. No talking to be allowed at the ends during the shoot- ing, and only the members shooting to stand in front of the target, the remainder standing behind on the left. All arrows to be clearly marked with colored rings, and to be entered as so marked on the books of the society; any member neglecting to conform to this rule will forfeit any score made with improperly marked arrows. We add the following from an American authority: Each arrow shall be distinctly marked with the owner's name. That each archer shoot no bow or arrows except his own. AUTOMOBILING While in motoring it is of vital importance to give the necessary signals, a good chauffeur does not constantly toot his horn, as this is disagreeable to the occupants of the car, and may be confusing to others. He sounds a warning before he comes to a comer or crossing, when he is about to pass a carriage or other vehicle, when he is coming up behind, when he sees a pedestrian cross- ing or about to cross the street in front of him, or on any occasion where he deems it necessary to avoid 306 ®l|t Ettnufttif of ^p0rt accident to other people or to his own car. A motor- car has no right of way over other vehicles, and obeys the same laws — keeping on the right side of the road, passing another vehicle on the right when they are going in opposite directions, on the left when both are going the same way. It is especially necessary to blow the horn when coming up behind a vehicle, as the latter may be about to stop or to turn out. An automobile shoxild never stop in the middle of the road, but always at the side, and should be on the lookout for other cars coming swiftly up behind, as otherwise an accident may occur. It is now custom- ary for a party in a motor-car to stop, if they see a brother autoist in distress at the side of the road, and to say, "Can I do anything for you?" While an- other engagement might prohibit the party in the sotmd automobile from towing the others, or from making a long delay, they could at least send a tele- gram or a telephone message for their fellows in dis- tress. The recklessness of chauffeurs is a thing to be severe- ly reprehended, and we must hope the day is not far distant when public opinion shall insist on careful driving. It is not only contrary to etiquette but to every principle of morality for a man or woman to attempt to run a horseless vehicle without adequate knowledge of its construction and the proper way of operating it. In some towns a severe penalty is in- flicted for violation of this rule. A person who should run over or into another without stopping to inquire 307 Munmvs unh Mortal Haag^a about the victim, and to offer assistance, could not expect to be considered a gentleman. Such ruffianly conduct is unfortunately not uncommon. While tak- ing every precaution against danger to human life and limb, as well as against frightening horses, the chauf- feur when travelling rapidly should not swerve from his path to avoid running over a chicken or small animal. This rule is not dictated by cruelty, but by a proper regard for the safety of human beings. A man must not endanger the lives of the occupants of his car, or of another vehicle, by swerving from the straight path unnecessarily when moving rapidly. With regard to costume, the main requirements are to keep the dust out in summer and the cold in winter. As the machine creates a tremendous wind of its own, no headgear should be worn which carries any sort of sail, to speak nautically. A man wears a cap, a woman a toque, or small hat without a brim, and a big auto- veil, completely covering her head and neck, and tied under her chin. Goggles are desirable when it is dusty. A simple costume, however, such as a long dust-cloak in summer and a fur coat in winter are in better taste than the curious and elaborate garments devised for the benefit of the clothier, one may guess. It is not usual or necessary to carry a footman on a touring-car, because the chauffeur can render any necessary assistance to the ladies when he has stopped his motor, unless they are timid about his leaving the machine. In New York, those who like to do things in a formal 308 ®Ijp Etiqufttf of ^patt way, have a chauffeur and a footman seated on the box-seat of an electric brougham when they go to pay calls. In city streets they must move so slowly that a complete fur costume is not necessary. A livery of claret-colored broadcloth with Astrachan cape, collar, and cuffs, the cap to match either the fur or the cloth, is in good style. For long distances and rapid motion the chauffeur must be provided with a long fur coat, fur cap, and fur boots. In summer he wears a black or tan leather cap, and sometimes leather put- tees or leggings. CROQUET This game, so popular a generation ago, has been revived during the last few years after a long period of disuse. The discussions, unfair play, and conse- quent loss of temper which often characterized the old game can now be happily avoided as a scientific code of laws has been drawn up. These provide for an umpire who shall not give his opinion or notice any error that may be made, unless appealed to by one. of the players. The decision of an umpire when appealed to shall be final. Among his duties is that of keeping the score. When there is no umpire present, permission to move a ball or set up a peg or hoop, or other indulgence for which an umpire would be appealed to, must be asked of the other side. Should an umpire be unable to decide any point at issue, he may appeal to the referee, whose decision shall be final, but no player " 309 [atttt^rfi and Mortal %Bn^sa may appeal to the referee from the decision of an umpire. The choice of lead and balls shall be decided by lot; in a succession of games the lead shall alternate, the same balls being kept. Ten lands of foul stroke are enumerated. Every player is entitled to be informed which is the next point of any ball. The "Golden Rule of croquet as of whist is, 'Play to your partner's hand.' " So long as a pair can keep together, a game is never lost. CHAPTER XXXIX SERVANTS REAT attention is paid by the rich American of the present day to the appearance of his house and carriage servants. In the early days of the repubUc, before Thomas Jefferson tied his horse's rein to the palings of the fence and sauntered into the Capitol to be inaugurated, the aristocrats of the various cities had a Uvery for their servants. But after such a dash of cold water in the face of established usage by the chief magistrate of the country, many of the old forms and customs of colonial times fell into disuse, and among others the wearing of a Uvery by serving-men. A constantly declining grade of shabbiness was the result of this, as the driver of the horses wore a coat and hat of the same style as his master, only less clean and new. Like many of our American ideas so good in theory, the outcome of this attempt at "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity " was neither conducive to neatness nor elegance. The dislike of liveries was not confined to this country. Thackeray's keen wit and deep sym- pathy with the noblest elements of human nature showed us, in his Yellowplush Papers, the essential evil of class distinctions, and the degrading effect of mak- ing our fellow-men wear a badge of servitude. Hence so strongly was the prejudice against liveries instilled into the public mind that only a few years ago a gentleman of the most aristocratic circle of aris- tocratic Philadelphia declared that he refrained from having a liveried servant behind his carriage from fear of shocking public opinion. In New York the presence of a large, foreign, social element long ago brought about a revulsion of opinion in this matter, and now most persons who desire a neat, plain, and appropriate style of dress for their coachmen and footmen put them in a Uvery, for which the master pays. Those who are particular in such matters do not allow a butler or a footman to wear a mustache, and require all men-servants to be clean-shaven, except the coachman, who is permitted to wear very small whiskers, cut and shaved in a peculiar style. All must have their hair cut short. Many ladies have much trouble in impressing upon their men-servants the necessity for personal neat- ness. The ordinary attire of a butler is a black dress- coat with white cravat. A footman who attends the door in a large establishment, and who is one of many servants, is usually in a quiet livery — a frock-coat with brass buttons, and a striped waistcoat. Some families affect the scarlet waistcoat for their footman, which, indeed, may be used with very good effect for the negro servant. At the North, white men are usually employed for household service by those who aim at 312 E^HHiff t5 ^^'^ jff J^ « ^" ■gBMlfl " ft^^^^Hfei^^^^^^^^^^^^^l ^HHHHHI i'frnanJa elegance, because the trained foreign servant under^ stands his business so well. South of Mason and Dixon's line, the employment of negroes is made nec- essary by the conditions of the labor market. Neatness is indispensable ; a slovenly and inattentive servant betrays a slovenly household. Yet servants often do their employers great injustice. They are slow to respond to the bell, they give uncivil answers, they deny one person and admit another, they fail to deliver notes, they are insolent, they neglect the or- ders of the mistress when she is out. We cannot ex- pect perfection, but it is possible, by painstaking and patient teaching, to obtain more efficient domestic service. Servants are very apt to take their cue from their employers — to be civil if these are civil, and in- solent if these are insolent. The tone of the head of the house is very apt to be copied and exaggerated by his flunkies. One primal law we must mention — a hostess should never reprove her servants in the presence of her guests; it is cruel both to guest and servant, and always shows the hostess in an unamiable light. Whatever may go wrong, the lady of the house should remain calm; if she is anguished, who can be happy ? We have not here, nominally, that helpful treasure known in England as the parlor-maid. We call her a waitress, and expect her to do all the work of one floor. Such a person can be trained by a good house- keeper to be a most admirable servant. She must be told to rise early, to attend to the sweeping of the 313 Munntrs attb ^nrtal llaagpa door-steps, to open the blinds, to light the fires, and to lay the breakfast-table. She must appear in a neat calico dress, white apron and cap, and wait upon the family at breakfast. After breakfast, the gentlemen will expect her to brush their hats, to bring overcoats and overshoes, and to find the umbrellas. She must answer the door-bell as well, so should be nimble-foot- ed and quick-witted. When breakfast is over, she must remove the dishes and wash them, clean the silver, and prepare for the next meal. In well-regulated house- holds there is a day for sweeping, a day for silver cleaning, a day for mirror-polishing, and another for making bright and neat the fireplaces; but each one of these duties requires a certain share of attention every day. The parlor must be dusted and the fires attended to, of course, so the parlor-maid, or the wait- ress, in a large family has much to do. The best girls for this arduous situation are English, but they are very difficult to procure. The Germans are not apt to remain long with one family. The best available parlor-maids are Irishwomen or Swedes who have lived some time in this country. With the great in- crease of immigration, women of other nationalities — Poles, Finns, and Italians — are entering upon domestic service. In the afternoon and evening such neat- handed Phyllises must wear a black woollen dress, never silk, with a neat white apron, cap and cufEs and collar of starched linen. A servant often sins from ignorance, therefore time spent in teaching her is not wasted. She should be 314 ^prtta«t0 supplied with such utensils as facilitate work, and one very- good housekeeper declares that the virtue of a waitress depends upon an ' ' infinity of crash. ' ' There is no doubt that a large supply of towels is a constant suggestion of cleanliness which is a great moral support to a waitress. In these days, when people entertain so much, a parlor-maid has no time to do laimdry-work, except such part of it as may pertain to her personal posses- sions. The best of all arrangements is to hire a laun- dress, who will do all the washing of the house. Even in a very economical household this has been found to be the best plan, otherwise there is always an imex- plained delay when the bell rings. The appearance at the door of a dishevelled maid, with arms covered with soapsuds, is not ornamental. If a cook can be found who will also undertake to do the washing and ironing, it is a better and more satisfactory arrangement. But in our growing prosperity this functionary has as- sumed new and extraordinary importance, and will do nothing but cook. A young housekeeper beginning her life in a great city finds herself frequently confronted with the ne- cessity of having four servants — a cook, a laundress, a butler or parlor-maid (sometimes both), and a cham- ber-maid. None of these excellent auxiliaries is will- ing to do the other's work; they generally quarrel. So the first experience of housekeeping is not agreeable. But it is possible to find two servants who, if proper- ly trained, will do all the service of a small family, and do it well. 315 Hann^ra unh Mortal llaagpa The mistress must careftilly define the work of each, or else hire them with the understanding that neither shall ever say, "This is not my work." It is sometimes quite impossible to define what is the exact duty of each servant. Our housekeeping in this coun- try is so chaotic, and our frequent changes of house and fortune cause it to partake so much of the nature of a provisional government, that every woman must be a Lotiis Napoleon, and ready for a coup d'etat at any moment. The one thing which every lady must firmly de- mand from her servants is respect. The harassed and troubled American woman who has to cope with the worst servants in the world — ^the ill-trained, incapa- ble, and vicious peasantry of Europe, who come here to be "as good as anybody," and who see that it is easily possible to make a living in America whether they are respectful or not — ^that woman has a very arduous task to perform. But she must gain at least outward respect by in- sisting upon having it, and by showing her servants that she regards it as even a greater desideratum than the efficient discharge of duties. The mistress must not lose her temper. She must be calm, im- perturbable, and dignified always. If she gives an order, she must insist, at whatever personal cost, that it shall be obeyed. Pertinacity and inflexibility on this point are well bestowed. Where there are children, the nurse is, of course, a most important part of the household, and often gives 316 ^^rnantH more trouble than any of the other servants, especially if she happens to be an elderly person, impatient of control, and "set in her ways." The mistress must make her obey at once. Nurses are only human, and can be made to conform to the rules by which humanity is governed. The advent of the trained nurse has brought about a revolution in public opinion. People of wealth often employ these to care for an infant, especially if the child is delicate. A young nurse, provided she has come to years of discretion, is now very properly preferred to an old woman. Many ladies have adopted for their nurses the French style of dress — dark-stuff gowns, white aprons, and caps. French niirses were formerly very much the fashion, as it was deemed all-important that children should learn to speak French as soon as they could articulate. But it was so diflficult to find a French nurse who would speak the truth that many mothers have renoimced the accomplished Gaul, now that the German tongue rivals the French in poptdarity. No doubt there was better service when servants were fewer, and when the mistress looked well after the ways of her household, and performed certain do- mestic duties herself. In those early days it was she who made the best pastry and sweetmeats. It was she who wrought at the quilting-frame and netted the best bed-curtains. It was she who darned the table- cloth, with a neatness and exactness that made the very imperfection a beauty. It was she who made the currant wine and the blackberry cordial. She 317 Mnttmra attb ^arial Mana^tB knew all the secrets of clear starching, and taught the ignorant how to do their work through her educated intelligence. She had, however, native Americans to teach, and not Irish, Germans, or Swedes. Now, few native-bom Americans will become servants, and the difficulties of the mistress are thereby increased. A servant cannot be too carefully taught her duty to visitors. Having first ascertained whether her mis- tress is at home or not, in order to save a lady the trouble of alighting from her carriage, she should an- swer the ring of the door-bell without loss of time; male and female servants should have on hand a small silver salver on which to receive the card of the guest. They should treat all callers with respect and civility, but at the same time they should be able to discriminate between friend and foe, and not unWarily admit those innumerable cheats, frauds, and beggars who, in a respectable garb, force an entrance to one's house for the purpose of theft, or perhaps to sell a ce- ment for broken crockery or the last thing in hair-dye. Conscientious servants who comprehend their duties, and who try to perform them, should, after a cer- tain course of discipline, be allowed to follow their own methods of working. Interference and fault- finding injure the temper of an inferior, while sus- picion is bad for anybody, and especially operates against the making of a good servant. To assure your servants that you believe them to be honest is to fix in them the habit of honesty. To respect their rights, their hours of recreation, their 318 g»frnattt0 religion, their feelings, to wish them good-night and good-morning (after the pretty German fashion), to assist them in the writing of their letters and in the proper investment of their earnings, to teach them to read and write and make their clothes, so that they may be useful to themselves when they leave servitude — all this is the pleasurable duty of a good mistress, and such a course makes good servants. All ignorant natures seek a leader; all servants like to be commanded by a strong, honest, fair, judi- cious mistress. They seek her praise; they fear her censure, not as slaves dread the whip of the tjo-ant, but as soldiers respect their superior officer. Bad temper, injustice, and tyranny make eye-service but not heart-service. Irresolute persons who do not know their own minds, and cannot remember their own orders, make very poor masters and mistresses. It is better that they should give up the business of housekeeping, and betake themselves to the living in hotels or board- ing-houses with which our English cousins taunt us. Familiarity with servants always arouses their con- tempt; a mistress can be kind without being familiar. She must remember that the servant looks up to her. The servant should be taught her way over the great gulf of a different condition of Ufe and habit — over the great gulf of ignorance, and that, in the order of nature, she should respect not only the person in au- thority, but the mistress, as superior to herself. This salutary influence is thrown away if the mistress de- 319 Mantigrg an?> ^nrtal Haagga scend to familiarity and intimacy. Certain weak mis- tresses vary their attitude towards their servants, first assuming a familiarity of manner which is disgusting, and which the servant does not mistake for kindness, and then a tyrannical severity as unreasonable as the familiarity, and, like it, only a spasm of an ill-regulated mind. Servants should wear thin shoes in the house, and be told to step lightly, not to slam doors, or drop china, or to rattle forks and spoons. A quiet servant is the most certain of domestic blessings. Neatness, good manners, and faithfulness have often insured a stupid servant of no great efficiency a permanent home with a family. If to these qualities be added a clear head, an active body, and a respectful manner, we have that rare article — a perfect servant. CHAPTER XL MANNERS OF THE PAST N these days, amid what has been strongly stated as "the prevailing mediocrity of man- ners," a study of the manners of the past would seem to reveal to us the fact that in those days of ceremony a man who was be- set with shyness need then have suffered less than he would now in these days of impertinence and brass. A man was not then expected to enter a room and to dash at once into a lively conversation. The stately influence of the minuet was upon him; he deliberately entered a room, made a low bow, and sat down, wait- ing to be spoken to. Indeed, we may go further back and imagine oiir- selves at the cotirt of Louis XIV., when the world was broadly separated into the two classes — ^the noble and the bourgeois — that world which Moli^re divided in his dramatis personce into the courtier, the provincial noble, and the plain gentleman; and, secondly, into the men of law and medicine, the merchant, and the shop- keeper. These divisions shall be for a moment con- sidered. All these men knew exactly, from the day 321 when they reached ten years of age, how they were expected to behave in the sphere of life to which they were called. The marquis was instructed in every art of graceful behavior, the bel air was taught him as we teach our boys how to dance, even more thoroughly. The grand seigneur of those days, the man who would not arrange the folds of his own cravat with his own hands, and who exacted an observance as punctilious from his valets as if he were the king himself, that marquis of whom the great Moli^re makes such fun, the courtier whom even the grand monarque liked to see ridiculed — ^this man had, nevertheless, good man- ners. We see him reflected with marvellous fidelity in those wonderful comedies of the French Shake- speare; he is more than the fashion of an epoch — ^he is one of the eternal types of human nature.. We learn what a man becomes whose business is "deportment." Even despicable as he is in "Le Bourgeois GentiU homme" — flattering, borrowing money, cheating the poor citizen, and using his rank as a mask and excuse for his vices — we still read that it was such a one as he who took poor Molifere's cold hands in his and put them in his muff, when, on the last dreadful day of the actor's life (with a liberality which does his memory immortal honor), he strove to play, "that fifty poor workmen might receive their daily pay." It was such a one as this who was kind to poor Moli^re. There was in the cotirtiers a copy of fine feeling, even if they had it not. They were polite and elegant, making the peo- ple about them feel better for the moment, doing grace- 322 Manners nf tii^ T^uat ful acts courteously, and gilding vice with the polish of perfect manners. The bourgeois, according to Mo- liere, was as bad a man as the courtier, but he had, also, brutal manners; and as for the magistrates and merchants, they were harsh and surly, and very spar- ing of civility. No wonder, when the French Revolu- tion came, that one of the victims, regretting the not-yet-forgotten marquis, desired the return of the aristocracy; for, said he, "I would rather be trampled upon by a velvet slipper than a wooden shoe." It is the best definition of manners — ^"a velvet slip- per rather than a wooden shoe." We ask very little of the people whom we casually meet but that the salutation be pleasant ; and as we remember how many crimes and misfortunes have arisen from sudden an- ger, caused sometimes by pure breaches of good man- ners, we almost agree with Burke that "manners are of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great measure, the laws depend." Some one calls politeness "benevolence in trifles, the preference of others to ourselves in little, daily, hourly occurrences in the business of life, a better place, a more commodious seat, priority in being helped at table," etc. We do not want all the decent, drapery of life torn off; we do not want to be told that we are full of de- fects; we do not wish people to show us a latent an- tagonism; and if we have in ourselves the elements of roughness, severity of judgment, a critical eye which sees defects rather than virtues, we are bound to 323 lanntra anb Mortal Baag^a study how to tone down that native, disagreeable temper — ^just as we are bound to try to break the icy formality of a reserved manner, and to cultivate cor- diality of feeling. Such a command over the short- comings of our own natures is not insincerity, as we often find that the effort to make ourselves agreeable towards some one whom we dislike ends in leading us to like the offending person. We find that we have really been the offender, going about with a moral tape-measure graduated by ourselves, and measuring the opposite party with a serene conceit which has called itself principle or honor, or some high-sounding name, while it was really nothing but prejudice. We should try to carry entertainment with us, and to seem entertained with our company. A friendly behavior often conciliates and pleases more than wit or brilliancy; and here we come back to those polished manners of the past, which were a perfect drapery, and therefore should be studied, and perhaps in a de- gree copied, by those who cannot depend upon them- selves for inspirations of agreeableness. Emerson says that "fashion is good sense entertaining company; it hates comers and sharp points of character, hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary, and gloomy people, hates whatever can interfere with total blending of parties, while it values all particularities as in the high- est degree refreshing which can consist with good- fellowship." We find that the successful man of the world has studied the temper of the finest sword. He can bend 324 M&.nntvB of tl^i? Pant easily, he is flexible, he is pliant, and yet he has not lost the bravery and the power of his weapon. Men of the bar, for instance, have been at the trouble to construct a system of politeness, in which even an of- fensive self-estimation takes on the garb of humiUty. The harmony is preserved, a trial goes on with an appearance of mutual deference and respect, highly, most highly, commendable, and producing law and order where otherwise we might find strife, hatred, and warfare. Although this may be a mimic humility, although the compliments may be judged insincere, they are still the shadows of the very highest virtues. The man who is guarding his speech is ruling his spirit ; he is keeping his temper, that furnace of all affliction, and the lofty chambers of his brain are cool and full of fresh air. A man who is by nature clownish, and who has what he calls a "noble sincerity," is very apt to do injustice to the polished man; he should, however, remember that "the manner of a vulgar man has free- dom without ease, and that the manner of a gentle- man has ease without freedom." A man with an obliging, agreeable address may be just as sincere as if he had the noble art of treading on everybody's toes. The ' ' putter-down-upon-system ' ' man is quite as often urged by love of display as by a love of truth; he is ungenerous, combative, and ungenial; he is the "bravo of society." To some people a fine manner is the gift of nature. We see a young person enter a room, make himself 32s lannjrH anil ^nrial ll0agfa charming, go through the transition period of boy to man, always graceful, and at man's estate aim to still possess that unconscious and flattering grace, that "most exquisite taste of politeness," which is a gift from the gods. He is exactly formed to please, this lucky creature, and all this is done for him by nature. Carlyle speaks of the fine manners of his peasant father (which he did not seem to have inherited), and he says: "I think that they came from his hav- ing, early in life, worked for Maxwell, of Keir, a Scotch gentleman of great dignity and worth, who gave to all those under him a fine impression of the governing classes." Old Carlyle had no shame in standing with his hat off as his landlord passed; he had no truckling spirit either of paying court to those whose lot in life it was to be his superiors. Those manners of the past were studied; they had, no doubt, much about them which we should now call stiff, formal, and affected, but they were a great help to many persons. Women, particularly shy ones, feel the effect of handsome clothes as a reinforcement. "There is an appui in a good gown," said Madame de Stael. There- fore, the awkward and the shy, in attempting to con- quer the manners of artificial society, should dress as well as possible. Perhaps to their taste in dress do Frenchmen owe much of their easy civility and their success in social politics; and herein women are very much more fortunate than men, for they can always ask, "Is it becoming?" and can add the handkerchief, 326 Mnnnst& nf tlft f aat fan, mtifif, or mantle as a refuge for trembling hands. A man has only his pockets; he does not wish to ap- pear with his hands in them. Taste is said to be the instantaneous, ready appre- ciation of the fitness of things. To most of us who may regret the want of it in ourselves, it seems to be the instinct of the forttmate few. Some women look as if they had simply blossomed out of their inner consciousness into a beautiful toilette; others are the creatures of chance, and look as if their clothes had been hurled at them by a tornado. Some women, otherwise good and true, have a sort of moral want of taste, and wear too bright colors, too ruany glass beads, too much hair, and a combina- tion of discordant materials which causes the heart of a good dresser to ache with anguish. This want of taste rtms across the character like an intellectual bar-sinister, forcing us to believe that their conclu- sions are anything but legitimate. People who say innocently things which shock you, who put the lis- teners at a dinner-table upon tenter-hooks, are either wanting in taste or their minds are confused with shyness. A person thus does great injustice to his own moral qualities when he permits himself to be misrepresent- ed by that disease of which we speak. Shjmess per- verts the speech more than vice even. But if a man or a woman can look down on a well-fitting, becoming dress, it is still a moral support. We know how it offends us to see a person in a dress which is inappro- 327 MnnntvB nnh Batinl Man^ts priate. A chief-justice in the war-paint and feathers of an Indian chief would scarcely be listened to, even if his utterances were those of a Marshall or a Jay. No doubt, to a person poor in worldly goods, yet shy, passionate, and proud by nature, the necessity of wearing poor or unbecoming clothes has sometimes been an injtiry for life. He despised himself for his weakness, but the weakness remained. When the French Revolution came in with its sans - culottism, and republican simplicity found its perfect expression in Thomas Jefferson, still, the prejudices of powdered hair and stiff brocades remained. They gradually dis- appeared, and the man of the nineteenth century lost the advantages of becoming dress, and began anew the battle of life stripped of all his trappings. Man- ners went with these flowing accessories, and the abrupt speech, curt bow, and rather exaggerated sim- plicity of the present day came in. But it is a not unworthy study — these manners of the past. We are returning, at least on the feminine side, to a great and magnificent "princess," or queenly, style of dress. It is the fashion to make a courtesy, to flourish a fan, to bear one's self with dignity when in this fine costtune. Cannot the elegance, the repose, and the respectftdness of the past return also? CHAPTER XLI THE AWKWARD AND THE SHY T is a comfort to those of us who have felt the cold perspiration start on the brow, at the prospect of entering an unaccustomed sphere, to remember that some of the best men and women whom the world has known have been, in their day, afflicted with shy- ness. Indeed, it is to the past that we must refer when the terrible disease seizes us, when the tongue becomes dry in the mouth, the hands tremble, and the knees knock together. The sufferings of a shy man would fill a voltmie. It is a nervous seizure for which no part of his organiza- tion is to blame; he cannot reason it away, he can only crush it by enduring it. "To bear is to conquer owe Fate." Some men, finding the play not worth the candle, give up society and the world; others go on, suffer, and come out cool veterans who fear no social occasion, however overwhelming it may be. It is the proper province of parents to have their children taught all the accomplishments of the body, that they, like the ancient Greeks, may know that every muscle will obey the brain. A shy, awkward 329 Manntra attin Mortal llaaggg boy should be trained in dancing, fencing, boxing; he should be instructed in music, elocution, and public speaking; he should be sent into society, whatever it may cost him at first, as certainly as he should be sent to the dentist's. His present sufferings may save him from Ufelong annoyance. Nothing would be omitted by either parent or child to cure the boy if he had a twisted ankle; so nothing should be omitted that can cure the twist of shyness. The first refuge of the inexperienced, bashful person is often to assume a manner of extreme hauteur. This is, perhaps, a natural fence — or defence; it is, indeed, a very convenient armor, and many a woman has fought her battle behind it through life. No doubt it is the armor of the many so-called frigid persons, male and female, who must either sufEer the pangs of bashfulness or afEect a coldness which they do not feel. Some people are naturally encased in a column of ice which they cannot break, but within is a fountain which would burst out at the lips in words of kind- liness if only the tongue could speak them. These limitations of nature are very strange; we cannot ex- plain them. The awkward and the shy do not always take refuge in a cold manner. Sometimes they study manner as they would the small-sword exercise, and exploit it with equal fervor. Exaggeration of manner is qtiite as common a refuge for these unforttmates as the other extreme of calmness. They render themselves ridiculous by the lowness of their bows and the vivid 330 QII);p Amkmarh anb tijp Bi^i^ picturesqueness of their speech. They, as it were, burst the bounds of the calyx, and the flower opens too wide. Symmetry is lost, graceful outline is de- stroyed. Many a bashful man, thinking of Tom Tit- mouse, has become an acrobat in his determination to be lively and easy. He should remember the happy middle course recommended by Shakespeare when he says: "They are as sick that surfeit with too much, As they that starve with nothing." It is for the well-meaning but shy and awkward people that the manners of artificial society are most useful. For the benefit of such persons we must "improve a ceremonial nicety into a substantial duty," else we shall see a cultivated scholar confused before a set of giggling girls, and a man who is all wisdom, valor, and learning, playing the donkey at an evening party. If he lack the inferior arts of polite behavior, who will take the trouble to discover a Sir Walter Raleigh behind his awkwardness? A man who is constrained, uneasy, and ungraceful can spoil the happiness of a dozen people. Therefore he is bound to create an artificial manner, if a natural one does not come to him, remembering always that "manners are shadows of virtues." The manners of artificial society have this to com- mend them; they meditate the greatest good to the greatest number. We do not like the word "arti- 3S^ Jiann^rB nnh ^atial Haas^a ficial," or to commend anything which is supposed to be the antipodes of the word "sincere," but it is a recipe, a doctor's prescription that we are recommend- ing as a cure for a disease. "Good manners are to special societies what good morals are to society in general — their cement and their security. True po- liteness creates perfect ease and freedom; it and its essence is to treat others as you would have others treat you." Therefore, as you know how embarrassing embarrassment is to everybody else, strive not to be embarrassed. Madame Rdcamier, the famous beauty, was always somewhat shy. She was not a wit, but she possessed the gift of drawing out what was best in others. Her biographers have blamed her that she had not a more impressionable temper, that she was not more sympa- thetic. Perhaps (in spite of her courage when she took up contributions in the churches dressed as a Neo-Greek) she was always hampered by shyness. She certainly attracted all the best and most gifted of her time, and had a noble fearlessness in friend- ship, and a constancy which she showed by following Madame de Stael into exile, and in her devotion to Ballenche and Chateaubriand. She had the genius of friendship, a native sincerity, a certain reality of nat- ure—those fine qualities which so often accompany the shy that we almost, as we read biography and his- tory, begin to think that shyness is but a veil for all the virtues. Perhaps to this shyness, or to this hidden sympathy, 332 sift Amfemarli nnh tifp ^tjg did Madame R^camier owe that power over all men which survived her wonderful beauty. The blind and poor old woman of the Abbaye had not lost her charm; the most eminent men and women of her day followed her there, and enjoyed her quiet (not very eloquent) conversation. She had a wholesome heart; it kept her from folly when she was young, from a too over-facile sensitiveness to which an impressionable, sympathetic temperament would have betrayed her. Her firm, sweet nature was not flurried by excitement; she had a steadfastness in her social relations which has left behind an everlasting renown to her name. And what are, after all, these social relations which call for so much courage, and which can create so much suffering to most of us as we conquer for them our awkwardness and our shyness? Let us pause for a moment and try to be just. Let us contemplate these social ethics, which call for so much that is, perhaps, artificial and troublesome and contradictory. Society, so long as it is the congregation of the good, the witty, the bright, the intelligent, and the gifted, is the thing most necessary to us all. We are apt to like it and its excitements almost too well, or to hate it, with its excesses and its mistakes, too bitterly. We are rarely just to society. The rounded and harmonious and temperate under- standing and use of society is, however, the very end and aim of education. We are born to live with one another and not for ourselves; if we are cheerful, our cheerfulness was given to us to make bright the lives 333 Ittatttt^ra atth Mortal llaag^H of those about us; if we have genius, that is a sacred trust; if we have beauty, wit, joyousness, it was given us for the delectation of others, not for ourselves; if we are awkward and shy, we are bound to break the crust and to show that within us is beauty, cheerful- ness, and wit. "It is but the fool who loves excess." The best human being should moderately like society., CHAPTER XLII THE ETIQUETTE OF TOWNS AND VILLAGES HE etiquette of small places must necessarily be simpler and less formal than that of large cities. In a small community the majority of the inhabitants usually prefer a quiet life, and few people have the means to entertain on an elaborate and lavish scale, even if they desired to do so. There is an instinctive feeling that great display is inappropriate in the country, that it would not be in good taste. Then, in a little commu- nity, people are more dependent upon one another than they are in a large town, hence there is a stronger feeling of neighborliness and of mutual good-will. Of course there is a reverse to the picture. It is pleasant to have your next-door neighbor take an in- terest in your proceedings and in those of your family. It is not so agreeable to have her criticise freely what she considers your shortcomings, especially if she cir- culates the tidings of these through the town. Small communities are sometimes too prone to gossip, and people are more censorious than in a large city, because they have less to occupy their minds. The deeds of each person have a magnified importance here. The 335 Munntrs unh Mortal Msa^ta city hostess, with a Ust of several hundred acquaint- ances and many social engagements, may care very little about personal visits. The dweller in a small town, with a circle of forty or fifty friends and ac- quaintances, will hold them strictly to account in the matter of calls, because these are of real interest and pleasure to her. The etiquette by which she and her fellow-townswomen are governed is all the more bind- ing because of its simplicity. It should be said that in small places, especially those remote from large cities, customs do not change very rapidly; hence old-fashioned ways are often adhered to after they have been laid aside in the metropolis and its suburbs. Old-time courtesy, however, where it is genuine, is as much to be appreciated as handsome old furniture or ancestral silver. Both may be out of date, but they show that good-breeding and dignity of living are no new things in the family possessing them. In small communities it is considered the proper thing to call soon upon a new-comer to the neighbor- hood, even where no previous acquaintance has existed — provided, always, that there is not too great a differ- ence in social standing and mode of life. People who possess true refinement of feeling never wish to intrude. Common-sense tells us that we must not make neigh- borliness an excuse for going to see those who rnove in an entirely different circle from our own. In a case where people are in genuine doubt, it is Ijest to proceed tentatively, the "leading citizens" calling first, and ascertaining the disposition of the new-comers — that 336 ®Ij0 1Ettn«fttf nf SomnB anh ItlUgiea is to say, finding out whether or not they are incHned to be exclusive. The custom of sending wedding-cards to all one's acquaintances is not general in the country, because it is expensive. Hence every one in her own circle and in that of the bridegroom calls upon a bride, even if no cards have been received. To send cards through the mail or to leave them at the door, without asking to see the lady of the house, would not be considered courteous, and it is well to leave a card, even if one is admitted. While it is usual to make a longer call in the country than it is in a large city, one must beware of trespassing too far on the time of busy people. Emerson, who lived in a small town, declared that a visitor should not remain more than ten minutes when calUng on serious people. One lady paying a formal call upon another would usually remain twenty minutes or half an hoiur. Where a hostess does her own housework, a visitor should be careful not to call too early in the afternoon, and not to remain long enough to interfere with the preparation of the evening meal or to delay the putting of the children to bed. There is a good deal of informal call- ing in the evening in some rural neighborhoods. In times of sickness and afHiction, the real kindness of the country-side comes out. Where trained nurses are difficult to procure, or where the expense of em- ploying them is too great, neighbors offer to sit up with the patient, or to stay through the day and relieve the family by seeing those who call to make inquiries. 337 Muntxits anh Social -llBas^a In the case of death, all who know the mourners sufficiently well call soon — the more intimate coming before the funeral. Those who would think it more delicate merely to send their cards with a message of sympathy, or to call without any expectation of being admitted, in a large city, would ask to see some member of the family in a small community. It is such a terrible thing to be isolated from human sympathy, to be left alone in the first overwhelming days of sorrow, that neighbors feel that all must take their share in ministering to those in the shadow of a great grief. While offers of assistance are in order, great tact should be exer- cised in not pressing one's services upon a family in the time of bereayement. A kindly but officious neighbor once gave serious offence by insisting upon putting the house in order for the funeral as soon as she learned of the death of an acquaintance, thus greatly disturbing her widowed friend, who was prostrated with grief. While, in rural communities, the mourners may be, in the quaint, old-fashioned parlance still in use, "Ready to receive consolation in affiiction," no offence should be taken if they do not wish to see visitors — ^f or each person must be allowed to bear the burden of grief in the way easiest to him. Friends arrange to take turns in coming to see a solitary mourner, in order that she may not be left alone. They plan to sit with her, or to have her make visits at their houses. The old-fashioned custom of 338 Ql^f ?Ettq«fttP nf SntottH ani TItUagpa going to funerals is still adhered to in the country, and it is said, "If I don't go to other people's funerals, who will come to mine?" A card thanking friends for their kind sjnnpathy, flowers, and the like is often put in the local newspaper by the bereaved family. Or they may follow the more modem fashion of sending a visiting-card with a few words of thanks written on it, in acknowledgment of notes of condolence or other expressions of sympathy. A card with a black border is used for this purpose by those who wear mourning, and it may be sent at the convenience of the bereaved person. There is no fixed rule as to time, since it would be cruel to require those in deep sorrow to attend to such matters before they feel able to do so. While the young people in our smaller communities, especially in the West, are allowed a greater freedom of intercourse than is usual in cities, this is founded upon the idea that the attentions of the young man are serious, and that it is not a case of mere flirting. Thus, in some places, a young girl will not go to drive with a yotmg man alone, unless they are on an understood footing — "keeping company," or "going together," as the rural phrase is. Their relations to each other would not necessarily be so formal as an engagement, but the drive would be an indication that the young man was beginning to pay her serious attention. Thus a girl would not go driving with a ntimber of young men in turn — such a proceeding would appear frivolous and would not be well thought of. Nor would she go 339 MunntXB nnh Mortal Hb^s^b with any one of whose attentions her family was igno- rant, unless she wished to attract unfavorable criticism. She would be careful, also, how she accepted the in- vitation of a person from another city, especially if he belonged to a different social circle. She would hardly go to drive alone with such a man unless he were the guest of her family or other relatives. It must be confessed that the automobile is changing manners and customs everywhere in our cities, where young girls go out for a spin in the machine with men friends and without chaperons or older friends. Young people go skating together in the country; in- deed, an escort is a necessary protection on ponds or rivers where rough boys and men are to be met with. In many small communities public opinion con- siders it proper for young people to dispense with a chaperon on many occasions where her presence might be thought necessary in a large city. For school-boys and girls, the teacher is often called upon to fill this office. No matter how young she may be, her position gives her dignity in the eyes of the pu- pils, and she is asked to matronize many high - school frolics — such as straw-rides, picnics, and dances at the school-house. A teacher who thus acts as chaperon has a difficult task. She must not spoil the fun of the occasion by undue severity, yet she must be ready to check the gayety pf the merry boys and girls if it threatens to become too boisterous. At some country colleges a pleasant custom exists whereby ladies from a distance are enabled to attend 340 Slti? lEtlqupttf of (SamnB unh HtUag^B certain gala occasions. A "Fraternity" invites girls to a dance, gets one or more chaperons, and gives up the club-house to the ladies, who stay there one or two nights, and have a great good time, squired about by the lads. Each young man asks a girl, meets her at the station (if she comes from another town) , and takes her to the club-house where the chaperon is already estabHshed. The latter must, of course, be a married lady, or a single one who is much older than her young charges. In villages and towns where theatrical performances and other shows take place at rare intervals, families are apt to go in a solid body to the theatre, the elders enjoying the play as much as the younger generation. The young man who is paying attention to the daughter would probably make one of the family party. The evening is the favorite time for weddings in small places, because that is the only time when most people are at leisure. It is said that a country bridegroom gets a frock-coat if he can possibly manage to do so. If he cannot, he will content himself with wearing his "Sunday black." The question is sometimes asked, "Should the family of the bride entertain that of the bridegroom, where the latter lives at a distance?" In the country they would certainly make every effort to do so, with the assistance of friends and near neighbors. The parents of the bride usually ask some members of the groom's immediate family to stay with them, circumstances per- mitting, other relatives or friends of the bride enter- as 341 Munmrs anJ» #nnal llaag^H taining the other members. When this cannot be done, the bride's family should engage rooms at the country hotel or at a boarding-house or private residence, and should see that comfortable and pleasant quarters are provided for the bridegroom's relatives and intimate friends. Whether the bride's family will pay for these rooms will depend upon circumstances. If they have invited the groom's father and mother, for instance, to come as their guests, then of course they would pay the bills. Otherwise it is not necessary for them to do so, and people of moderate means should not be ex- pected to go to the expense. It is usual at an out-of-town wedding for the bride's family to provide equipages to bring guests from the train or boat to the church or house, unless the dis- tance is very short and the weather fine. It is by no means necessary, however, that only the regulation city hacks should be used. A certain informality is a part of the pleasure of a country wedding. Omnibuses, barges, neighbors' carriages, all kinds of conveyances may be seen on such an occasion, and friends from the city find it much more amusing to ride in these than in a close, stuffy hack from a country stable. Young people living in a large city, at a distance from their country home and all that they hold near and dear, are sometimes a little puzzled as to the arrange- ments for their marriage. The bachelor maid dwells perhaps in a boarding-house or an apartment where it would not be convenient to have the ceremony take place, and yet she dislikes the idea of a church wedding, 342 QIIlP lEttqurttf 0f Eamns nnh lillag^a since her few city friends would seem lost in the great edifice. She knows, too, that to open, heat, and light a church in the evening involves some expense, which would fall upon the bridegroom where the bride's parents are either dead or living at a distance. For cases like these the clergyman's house is a haven of refuge. Perhaps neither the bride nor her intended is regularly connected with any denomination, yet it is to be hoped that she at least goes to church sometimes, and that there is some pastor whom she would especially like to have perform the marriage ceremony. The young couple should call together upon the clergyman some little time beforehand, in order to request his services, to consult him about the necessary arrangements, and to choose a day that will be con- venient for all. In churches where there is a ritual, they should familiarize themselves with the text, in order to avoid errors in making the responses. For such a wedding the bride should wear street costume with a hat or bonnet. Two persons should accompany the young people to act as witnesses, and a few other friends may be included in the wedding- party. There should not be so many, however, as to crowd the clergyman's parlor — not more than ten, in ordinary cases. The witnesses remain to sign the register at the conclusion of the ceremony. One of them usually acts as best man, and it is a part of his duty to hand the fee to the minister as the latter is leaving the room. The old idea of the wedding-fee is twofold. It was held that a man should give some- 343 Mnnntra nnh burial laas^a thing to the church at the time of his happiness, and also that he should be willing to pay something to pro- cure this. ICissing is thought to be in bad taste on such an occasion. It should not, in any event, be in- dulged in until the minister has left the room. At the conclusion of the ceremony there is often a little treat of some sort — supper at a friend's house or at a restaurant or a visit to the theatre. The bridegroom who privately asked the minister beforehand to be quick with the ceremony, as he did not wish to be late at the play, was a sad illustration of the light and thoughtless way in which young people of the present day too often treat what should be a solemn and sacred institution, the celebration of the marriage cer- emony. Persons who come from a large city to stay in a quiet country town sometimes make themselves obnoxious to the inhabitants by ignoring local public opinion, and by showing that they despise it. This is neither well-bred nor wise. "When you are in Rome do as the Romans do," where no moral principle is involved, at least. One should not be too eager to copy other people's ways, since this would be undignified or even servile. Yet one should respect their opinions and not give offence wantonly. In a prohibition town, for instance, it would be in very bad taste to offer wine at any general entertain- ment to which the towns-people were invited. If, on the other hand, a person of strict temperance prin- ciples is present at a dinner where there is wine, she 344 wilt Ittqusttf of WamtiB anh Itlkg^a should refuse it quietly and say nothing about the matter. In this connection it may be added that the best breeding and the truest courtesy are shown in a most carefvil consideration for the feelings of others. If a foreign word or name is mispronounced by another person, if possible avoid using the word immediately. If you must use it it would be better to mispronounce it than to hurt another's feelings by calling attention to the mistake. Many a hostess has used her fork or spoon for the wrong dish, or otherwise seemed to make a mistake, in order to put at ease an awkward guest. The wise woman will also try to avoid wearing a style of dress that would be out of keeping with the clothes of her companions. If she is in the habit of wearing a d^coUet^ gown in the evening, she will hesitate to appear in this when asked to a late dinner or a supper party in a village, unless she has first ascertained that the custom of the place, or of the house where she is entertained, permits it. In the warm climate of our Southern States, low-necked gowns are more generally worn in small towns than at the North. In small New England towns of a quiet sort they would not be seen on older ladies, young girls, sometimes wearing d6- collet6 frocks at a dance, but hardly elsewhere. CHAPTER XLIII ENGLISH SOCIAL USAGES 1 I n w N no respect can American and English eti- quette be contrasted more fully than in the matter of the every-day dinner, which in America finds a lady in a plain silk dress, high-necked and long-sleeved, but at which the English lady always appears in a semi- grand toilette, with open Pompadour corsage and el- bow sleeves, if not in low-necked, full-dress attire; while her daughters are uniformly sleeveless, and gen- erally in white dresses, often low-necked, in the depth of winter. At dinner all the men are in evening dress, even if there is no one present at the time but the family. This is obligatory in a well-bred family. No man should fail in it. He may on Sunday evening, by the common consent of society, dine in his frock-coat and gray trousers, or in the comfortable garment called a smoker, but his toilet should receive care. It is becoming more and more the custom, in our large cities, for men to wear evening dress, formal or in- formal, every evening, and many women in fashionable circles follow the English fashion of wearing a low- necked dress at dinner. This, however, is not so much 346 lEttQltHt; S>orial llHag^a a matter of locality as of the preference of individual families. The dinner is not so good in England as the ordinary- American dinner, except in the matter of fish, which is universally very fine. The vegetables are few and poor, and the "sweets," as they call dessert, are very bad. A gooseberry tart is all that is offered to one at an ordinary dinner, although fine strawberries and a pineapple are often brought in afterwards. The din- ner is always served with much state, and afterwards the ladies all combine to amuse the guests by their talents. There is no false shame in England about singing and playing the piano. Even poor performers do their best, and contribute to the pleasure of the company. At the table people do not talk much, nor do they gesticulate as Americans do. They eat very qviietly, and speak in low tones. No matters of family history or religion or political differences are discussed before the servants. Talking with the mouth full is considered an unpardonable vulgarity. All small pref- erences for any particular dish are kept in the back- ground. No hostess ever apologizes, or appears to hear or see anything disagreeable. If the omelette souffii is a failure, she does not observe it; the servant offers and withdraws it, nor is any one disturbed thereby. As soon as one is helped he must begin to eat, not waiting for any one else. If the viand is too hot or too cold, or is not what the visitor likes, he pretends to eat it, playing with knife and fork. No guest ever passes a plate or helps to anything; 347 Ia««jra anh Mortal llaagfa the servant does all that. Soup is taken from the side of the spoon noiselessly. Soup and fish are not par- taken of a second time. If there is a joint, and the master carves, it is proper, however, to ask for a sec- ond cut. Bread is passed by the servants, and must be broken; not cut, afterwards. It is considered bad form to be undecided as to whether you will take one dish or another; decide quickly. In refusing wine, sim- ply say, "Thanks"; the servant knows then that you do not take any. The servants retire after handing the dessert, and a few minutes' free conversation is allowed. Then the lady of the house gives the signal for rising. Toasts and taking wine with people are entirely out of fash- ion; nor do the gentlemen remain long in the dining- room after the ladies leave the table. In this men are rapidly growing more civilized. At very few houses belonging to the nobility does one see so elegant a table and such a profusion of flowers as at every millionaire's table in New York; but one does see superb old family silver and the most beauti- ful table linen even at a very plain abode. The table is almost uniformly lighted with wax-candles. Black coffee is served immediately after dinner, in the draw- ing-room to the ladies, in the dining-room to the gen- tlemen, who are in the mean time smoking cigarettes. Tea is served in English country houses four or five times a day. It is always brought to your bedside be- fore you rise; it is poured at breakfast; it is a neces- sary of life at five o'clock. Probably the cold, damp 348 Sn^li^^ Mortal Haag^H climate has much to do with this; and the tea is never very strong, but is excellent, being always fresh- ly drawn, not steeped, and most refreshing. Servants make the round of the table in pairs, offer- ing the condiments, the sauces, the vegetables, and the wines. The common-sense of the English nation breaks out in their dinners. Nothing is offered out of season. To make too great a display of wealth is considered bourgeois and vulgar to a degree. A choice but not oversumptuous dinner meets you in the best houses. But to sit down to the plainest dinners, as we do, in plain clothes, would never be permitted. Even ladies in deep mourning are expected to make some slight change at dinner. Iced drinks are never offered in England, nor in truth are they needed. In England no one speaks of "sherry wine," "port wine," "champagne wine"; he always says "sherry," "port," "champagne," etc. But in France one always says "vin de Champagne," "vin de Bordeaux," etc. It goes to show that what is proper in one country is vulgar in another. It is still considered proper for the man of the house to know how to carve, and at breakfast and lunch the gentlemen present always cut the cold beef, the fowl, the pressed veal, and the tongue. At a country-house dinner the lady often helps the soup herself. Even at very quiet dinners a menu is written out by the hostess and placed at each plate. The ceremony of the "first lady" being taken in first and allowed to go 349 MsinntxB nnh Batini Man^tB out first is always observed at even a family dinner. No one apologizes for any accident, such as overturn- ing a glass of claret, or dropping a spoon, or even breaking a glass. It is passed over in silence. No English lady ever reproves her servants at table, nor even before her husband and children. Her duty at table is to appear serene and unruffled. She puts her guests at their ease by appearing at ease herself. In this respect English hostesses are far ahead of American ones. In the matter of public holidays and of their amuse- ments the English people behave very unlike Ameri- can people. If there is a week of holidays, as at Whit- suntide, all the laboring classes go out of town and spend the day in the parks, the woods, or the country. At Whitsuntide the shop-girls of London — a hard- worked class — go down to Epping Forest, or to Hamp- ton Court, or to Windsor, with their basket of lunch, and everywhere one sees the sign, "Hot Water for Tea," which means that they go into the humble inn and pay a penny for the use of the teapot and cup and the hot water, bringing their own tea and sugar. The economy which is a part of every Englishman's religion could well be copied in America. Even a duchess tries to save money, saying wisely that it is better to give it away in charity than to waste it. An unpleasant feature of English life is, however, the open palm, every one being willing to take a fee, from a penny up to a shilling, for the smallest service. The etiquette of giving has to be learned. A shilling 3 SO Engltaly ^nrial llaagja is, however, as good as a guinea for ordinary use; no one but an American gives more. The carriage etiquette differs from ours, as the gen- tleman of the family rides beside his wife, allowing his daughters to ride backward. However, no gen- tleman sits beside a lady in driving unless he is her husband, father, son, or brother. Not even an affianced lover is permitted this seat. It must be confessed that the groups in Hyde Park and in Rotten Row and about the Serpentine have a solemn look, the people in the carriages rarely chat- ting, but sitting up in state to be looked at, the peo- ple in chairs gravely staring at the others. None but the people on horseback seem at their ease; they chat as they ride, and, all faultlessly caparisoned as they are, with well-groomed horses, and servants behind, they seem gay and jolly. In America it is the eques- trian who often looks preoccupied and solemn, and as if the horse were quite enough to manage. The footmen are generally powdered and very neatly dressed in livery, but the coachmen are not so elabo- rately dressed-up as formerly. Occasionally one sees a very grand fat old coachman in wig and knee- breeches, but Jeames Yellowplush is becoming a thing of the past even in London. A lady does not walk alone in the Park. She may walk alone to church, or to do her shopping, but even that is not common. She had better take a hansom, it now being proper for ladies to go out to dinner alone in full dress in one of these singularly open and 3SI MunttiVB attb Mortal Haaggg exposed-looking carriages. It is not an uncommon sight to see a lady in a diamond tiara in a London hansom by the blazing light of a summer sun if she is going out to dinner, for the afternoon sun shines until eight o'clock in England. Thus what we should shun as a very public thing the reserved Englishwom- an does in crowded London, and regards it as proper, while she smiles if she sees an American lady alone in a victoria in Hyde Park, and would consider her a very improper person if she asked a gentleman to drive out with her — as we do in our Park every day of our lives — in an open carriage. Truly etiquette is a curious and arbitrary thing, and differs in every country. In France, where they consider English people fright- fully gauche, all this etiquette is reversed, and is very much more like ours in America. A Frenchman al- ways takes ofE his hat on entering or leaving a rail- way carriage if ladies are in it. An Englishman never takes his hat off unless the Queen or the Princess of Wales is passing, or he meets an acquaintance. He sits with it on in the House of Commons, in the read- ing-room of a hotel, at his club, where it is his privilege to sulk; but in his own house he is the most charming of hosts. The rudest and almost the most unkind persons in the world, if you meet them without a letter or an introduction in a public place, the English be- come in their own houses the most gentle, lovely, and polite of all people. If the ladies meet in a friend's parlor, there is none of that snobbish rudeness which 352 Snglist; i>0rial UaaQPS is the fashion in America, where one lady treats an- other as if she were afraid of contamination, and will not speak to her. The lady-in-waiting to Queen Alexandra, the duchess, is not afraid of her nobility; her friend's roof is an introduction; she speaks. There is a great sense of the value of a note. If a lady writes a pretty note expressing thanks for civili- ties offered to her, all the family call on her and thank her for her poUteness. It is to be feared that in this latter piece of good-breeding we are behind our Eng- lish cousins. The English call immediately after a party, an invitation, or a letter of introduction. An elegant and easy epistolary style is of great use in England; and, indeed, a lady is expected even to write to an artist asking permission to call and see his pict- ures — a thing rarely thought of in America. CHAPTER XHV HOW TO TREAT THE ENGLISH HE highest lady in the realm, the Queen of England, is always addressed by the ladies and gentlemen of her household, and by all members of the aristocracy and gentry, as "Ma'am," not "Madam," or "Your Maj- esty," but simply, "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am." All classes not coming within the category of gentry, such as the lower professional classes, the middle classes, the lower middle classes, the lower classes (servants), would address her as "Your Maj- esty," and not as "Ma'am." King Edward VII. is addressed as "Sir" by the aristocracy and gentry, and never as "Your Majesty" by either of these classes, but by all other people he is addressed as "Your Maj- esty." The Prince of Wales is addressed as "Sir" by the upper classes, but as "Your Royal Highness" by the middle and lower classes, and by all persons not com- ing within the category of gentry; and by gentry, English people mean not only the landed gentry, but all persons belonging to the army and navy, the clergy, the bar, the medical and other professions, the aris- 354 ^am ta ©rtat tiff Sngltaif tocracy of art, the aristocracy of wealth, merchant princes, and the leading City merchants and bankers. The Princess of Wales and all the princesses of the blood royal are addressed as "Ma'am" by the aris- tocracy and gentry, but as "Your Royal Highness" by all other classes. A foreign prince is addressed as "Prince" and "Sir" by the aristocracy and gentry, and as "Your Serene Highness" by all other classes; and a foreign princess would be addressed as "Princess" by the aristocracy, or "Your Serene Highness" by the lower grades, but never as "Ma'am." An English duke is addressed as "Duke" by the aristocracy and gentry, and never as "Your Grace" by the members of either of these classes; but all other classes address him as "Your Grace." A marquis is sometimes conversationally addressed by the upper classes as "Markis," but generally as "Lord A -," and a marchioness as "Lady B — — •"; all other classes would address them as "Marquis" or "Marchioness." The same remark holds good as to earls, countesses, barons, baronesses — all are "Lord B " or "Lady B— ." But Americans, who are always, if presented at court, entitled to be considered as aristocracy and gentry, and as such are always received, must observe that English people do not use titles often even in speaking to a duke. It is only an ignorant person who garnishes his conversation with these titles. Let the conversation with Lord B flow on without say- 355 M&ttntvB unh Mortal %&uQt& ing "My lord" or "Lord B " more frequently than is absolutely necessary. One very ignorant American in London was laughed at for saying, "That isn't so, lord," to a nobleman. He should have said, "That isn't so, I think," or, "That isn't so. Lord B ," or "my lord." The daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls are addressed as "Lady Mary," "Lady Gwendoline," etc. This must never be forgotten; and the younger sons of dukes and marquises are called "Lord John B ," "Lord Frederic Hamilton," or "Lord Henry Gray," etc. The wife of the younger son should always be addressed by both the Christian and surname of her husband by those slightly acquainted with her, and by her husband's Christian name only by her intimate friends. Thus those who know Lady Henry Gray well address her as "Lady Henry." The younger sons of earls, viscounts, and barons bear the courtesy title of "Honorable," as do the female members of the family; but this is never used colloquially under any circum- stances, although always in addressing a letter to them. Baronets are addressed by their full title and sur- name, as "Sir Stafford Northcote," etc., by persons of the lower classes, and by their titles with their Chris- tian names by all the higher classes. Baronets' wives are addressed as "Lady B " or "Lady C ." They should not be addressed as "Lady Thomas B "; that would be to give them the rank of the wife of a younger son of a duke or marquis, instead of that of a baronet's wife only. 35^ ^a\a tn Srtat tlj? Sngltalii In addressing foreigners of rank colloquially the re- ceived rule is to address them by their individual titles without the addition of the surname. In case of a prince being a younger son he is addressed as "Prince Henry," or whatever his Christian name may be. The sons of the reigning monarchs are addressed as "Your Imperial Highness." A foreign nobleman is addressed as "Monsieur le Due," "Monsieur le Comte," "Mon- sieur le Baron," etc.; but if there is no prefix of "de," the individual is addressed as "Baron Rothschild, "Coimt Hohenthal," etc. While it is proper on the Continent to address an tmmarried woman as mademoiselle, without the sur- name, in England it would be considered very vulgar. "Miss" must be followed by the surname. The wives of archbishops, bishops, and deans are simply Mrs. A , Mrs. B , etc., while the archbishop and bishop are always addressed as "Your Grace" and as "My lord," their wives deriving no precedence and no title from their husbands' ecclesiastical rank. It is the same with military personages. Peeresses invariably address their husbands by their title ; thus the Duchess of Sutherland calls her husband "Sutherland," etc. Baronets' wives call their hus- bands "Sir John" or "Sir George," etc. The order of precedence in England is strictly ad- hered to, and English matrons declare that it is the greatest convenience, as it saves them all the trouble of choosing who shall go in first, etc. For this rea- son, among others, the Book of the Peerage has been '* 357 Mnttntta unh Bacinl laag^a called the Englishman's Bible, it is so often con- stilted. But the question of how to treat English people has many another phase than that of mere title, as we look at it from an American point of view. When we visit England we take rank with the high- est, and can well afford to address the Queen as "Ma'am." In fact, we are expected to do so. A well-bred, well-educated, well-introduced American has the highest position in the social scale. He may not go in to dinner with a duchess, but he is generally very well placed. As for a well-bred, handsome woman, there is no end to the privileges of her position in Eng- land, if she observes two or three rules. She should not be too effusive nor too generous of titles, nor should she fail of the necessary courtesy due always from guest to hostess. She should have herself presented at court by her minister or by some distinguished friend, if she wishes to enter fashionable society. Then she has the privilege of attending any subsequent Draw- ing-room, and is eligible to invitations to the court balls and royal concerts, etc. American women have succeeded wonderfully of late years in all foreign society from their beauty, their wit, and their originality. English people are very kind in illness, grief, or in any event which calls for sympathy, but they are speedily chilled by any step towards a too sudden in- timacy. They resent anything like "pushing" more than any other people in the world. la no cotmtry 3S8 ^am tn ©rtat tlf? Engltalii has intellect, reading, cultivation, and knowledge such "success" as in England. If a lady, especially, can talk well, she is invited everywhere. If she can do anjrthing to amuse the company — as to sing well, tell forttmes by the hand, recite, or play in charades or private theatricals— she is almost sure of the highest social recognition. She is expected to dress well, and Americans are sure to do this. The excess of dressing too much is to be discouraged. It is far better to be too plain than too fine in England, as, indeed, it is every^yhere ; an overdressed woman is undeniably vul- gar in any covmtry. If we could learn to treat English people as they treat us in the matter of introductions, it would be a great advance. The English regard a letter of intro- duction as a sacred institution and an obligation which cannot be disregarded. If a lady takes a letter to a gentleman of wealth and position, and he has illness in his family and cannot ask her to dinner, he comes to call on her, he sends her tickets for every sort of flower show, the museums, the Botanical Garden, and all the fine things; he sends her his carriage — ^he evi- dently has her on his mind. He does not take this view, however, if he receives a letter of introduction from a person who has no right to give it. One must only send such a letter to a person whom one has entertained — -never to those from whom one has re- ceived hospitality without making any return, tmless they have expressly authorized one to send a friend to them. 359 MuntxttB unh Batiul laa^i^B Of course there are disagreeable English people, and there is an animal known as the English snob, than which there is no human being more disagreeable. Travellers everywhere have met this variety, and one would think that formerly it must have been more common than it is now. There are also English fam- ilies who have a continental, one might say a cosmo- politan, reputation for being disagreeable, as we have some American families, well known to history, who have an almost patrician and hereditary claim to the worst manners in the universe. Well-bom bears are known all over the world, but they are in the minority. It is almost a sure sign of base and ignoble blood to have bad manners. And if the American visitor treats his English host half as well as the host treats him, he may feel assured that the entente cordiale will soon be perfect. One need not treat the average Englishman either with a too effusive cordiality or with that half-con- temptuous fear of being snubbed which is of all things the most disagreeable. A sort of "chip on the shoul- der" spread-eagleism formerly made a class of Ameri- cans unpopular; now Americans are in favor in Eng- land, and are treated most cordially. CHAPTER XLV LIFE ABROAD IFE at a French watering-place differs so essentially from that at our own Saratoga, Sharon, Richfield Springs, Newport, and Bar Harbor, that a few items of observation may be indulged in to show us what an immense improvement we could introduce into our study of amusement by following the foreign fashions of simplicity in eating and drinking. The continental people never eat that heavy early meal which we call breakfast. They take in their rooms at eight o'clock a cup of coffee and a roll, what they call cafS complet, or they may prefer tea and oat- meal, the whole thing very simple. Then at Aix-les- Bains or Vichy the people tmder treatment go to the bath, taking a rest afterwards. All this occupies an hour. They then rise and dress for the eleven o'clock dejeuner d. la fourchette, which is a formal meal served in courses, with red wine instead of coffee or tea. This is all that one has to do in the eating line until dinner. Imagine what a fine, clear day that gives one! How much tminterrupted time! How much better for the housekeeper in a small boarding-house! And at a 361 lattttprs anh hartal HaaQ^a hotel where the long, heavy breakfast, from seven to eleven, keeps the dining-room greasy and badly ven- tilated until the tables must be cleared for a one or two o'clock dinner, it is to contrast order with disorder, and neatness with its reverse. The foreign breakfast at eleven is a delicious meal. In addition to eggs, there are various kinds of meat, including stewed pigeon, also trout from the lake, delicious preparations of spinach, and always a variety of the cheeses which are so fresh and so healthful, just brought from the Alpine valleys. The highly flavored Alpine strawberries are added to this meal. Then all eating is done for the day until the six or seven o'clock dinner. This gives the visitor a long and desirable day for excursions, which in the neighbor- hood of Aix are especially charming, particularly the drive to Chamb^ry, one of the most quaintly interest- ing of towns, through the magnificent break in the Alps at whose southern portal stands La Grande Chartreuse. All this truly healthy disposition of time and of eating is one reason why a person comes home from a foreign watering-place in so much better trim, morally, mentally, and physically, than from the unhealthy gorging of our American summer resorts. At twelve or one begins the music at the Casino, usually a pretty building in a garden. In this shady park the mammas with their children sit and listen to the strains of the best bands in Europe. Paris sends her artists from the Ch&telet, and the morning finds itself gone and well into the afternoon before the out- 362 ICiff Abrnab side pleasures of the Casino are exhausted. Here, of course, trip up and down on the light fantastic toe, and in the prettiest costumes of the day, all the daugh- ters of the earth, with their attendant cavaliers. There are certain aspects of a foreign watering-place with which we have nothing to do here, such as the gam- bling and the overdressing of a certain class, but exter- nally all is most respectable. At four or earlier every one goes to drive in the venture de place or the voiture de remise, the latter being a handsome hired carriage of a superior class. But the voiture de place, with a Savoyard driver, is good enough. He knows the road ; his sturdy horse is accustomed to the hills; he takes one for three francs an hour — about half what is charged at an American watering-place — he expects a few cents as pourboire, that is all. The vehicle is a humble sort of victoria, very easy and safe, and the drive is generally through scenery of the most mag- nificent description. Ladies at a foreign watering-place have generally much to amuse them at the shops. Antiquities of all sorts, old china (particularly old Saxe) , also old carved furniture from the well-known chateaux of Savoy, are found at Aix. The prices are so small compared with what such curiosities would bring in New York that the buyer is tempted to buy what she does not want, forgetting how much it will cost to get it home. Old lace and bits of embroidery and stuffs are brought to the door. There is nothing too rococo for the peripa- tetic vender in these foreign watering-places. 363 The dinner is a very good one. Cooked by Italian or French cooks, it may be something of this sort: Potage de riz; lavarets St. Houlade; filets de bceuf Bear- naise (a delicious sauce with basil mixed in it, a slight taste of aniseed) ; touchers d. la reine; chapon rati au cresson; asperge au branches; glace au chocolat; cafi; or: Potage au CrScy; turbot aux cdpres; langue de bceuf; petits pais, lies au beurre; bombe vanille; with fruits, cheese, and cakes and always the wine of the country, for which no extra charge is made. These delicious meals cost — the breakfast four francs (wine included), the dinner ten francs. It would be difficult in our cotmtry to find such cooking anyT^rhere, and for that price simply impossible. Music in the Casino grounds follows the dinner. The pretty women, by this time in the short, gay fou- lards and in the dressy hats in which they will appear later at the Casino ball, are tripping up and down in the gas-lighted grounds. The scene is often illumi- nated by fireworks. At half -past eight the whole motley crew has entered the Casino, and there the most amusing dancing — valse, galop, and polka — ^is in vogue. The Pole is known by his violent dancing; "he strikes and flutters like a cock, he capers in the air, he kicks his heels up to the stars." There is hearti- ness in the dancing of the Swedes and Danes, there is mettle in their heels ; but no people caper like the Poles. The Russians and the Americans dance the best. They are the elegant dancers of the world. Frenchwomen dance beautifully: 364 SItfp AbrnaJi !K|Hg>^>^>^>^>^>^H|>^>^>^l|>^>^>^>^>^>4>^>4>^>^*^'4>^'4> "A fine, sweet earthquake, gently moved By the soft wind of their dispersing silks." No lady appears at the Casino bareheaded; it is always with hat or bonnet, and she lives in her bonnet more or less even at the balls. If a concert or a play is going on in the little theatre, the same people take their places in boxes or seats, until every face becomes familiar, just as it does on board ship. Sometimes pleasant acquaintances are thus formed. A very informal system of etiquette permits dancing between persons who have not been introduced, and the same privilege extends to the ask- ing of a party of ladies to take an ice. All acquaint- ance ceases on leaving the Casino, however, unless the lady chooses to bow to her cavalier. The taste of all this is questionable, and fortunately the custom has not extended to America. Sometimes the steward of the Casino gets up a fancy- dress ball under the patronage of some lady, and then the motley crew appear as historical characters. It is a unique and gay spectacle. Here in the land of the old masters some very fine representations of the best pictures are hastily improvised, and almost with- out any apparent effort the whole ball is gotten up with spirit and ingenuity. This, too, among people who had never met until the day before yesterday. There is a wide range of costume allowed for those who take part in these revelries. The parquet floor of a foreign casino is the most 365 MnnnsvB unh Mortal llaagga perfect thing for good dancing. They understand laying these floors in Europe better than we do, and the climate does not alter them, as with us. They are the pleasantest and easiest of all floors to dance upon. Not the least striking episode to an American eye is the sight of many priests and men in ecclesiastical garments at these casinos. The number of priestly robes everywhere strikes the visitor to a French wa- tering-place most emphatically. The school-masters are young priests, and walk about with their boys, and the old priests are everywhere. A solemn procession crosses the gay scene occasionally. Three or four ac- olytes bearing censers, a group of mourners, a tall and stately nun in gray robes and veil walking magnifi- cently, and moving her lips in prayer; then a group of people; then a priest with book in hand saying aloud the prayers for the dead; then the black box, the coffin, carried on a bier by men, the motley crowd un- covering as the majesty passes, and the boys follow, chanting: "The glories of our birth and state Are shadows, not substantial things; There is no armor against fate; Death lays his icy hand on kings." Yes, and on the gay visitor at the Casino. These sim- ple and unostentatious funerals are very impressive. The priests always walk bareheaded through the streets on these occasions, and on many others. In- deed, the priestly head seems impatient of a hat. 366 %iU Abraah Of course horse-races, formed after the plan of Long- champs, are inseparable from the amusements of a French watering-place; and in proportion to the num- ber of guests to be amused, the horses come down from the various stables. Pigeon-shooting goes on all the time. It is said that the French have a greater hatred of ennui than any other people in the world. They do not know what it means. They amuse themselves all the time, and are never at a loss. The well-bred Frenchwomen have as much energy and industry as any New England woman, but they take their amuse- ment more resolutely, never losing music, gayety, and "distraction." Perhaps what amuses them might not amuse the more sober Saxon, but the delicate em- broidery of their lives, with all that comes thus cheap- ly to them, certainly makes them a very delightful set. Their manners are most fascinating, never self- ish, never ponderous, never self-conscious, but always most agreeable. The Frenchwoman is sui generis. She may no longer be very young; she never was very handsome. Every sensation that the human mind can experience she has experienced; every caprice, whim, and fancy that human imagination can conceive she has gratified. She is very intelligent; she was bom with a perfect taste in dress; and she is — all the nov- elists to the contrary notwithstanding — a very good wife, an excellent mother, a charming companion, a most useful and sensible helpmeet, with a perfect idea of doing her half of the business of life, and of getting 367 MnnnttB anb Uncial llaag^B out of her hours of leisure all the amusement she can. At a French watering - place the Frenchwoman of the better class is most entirely at home and intensely agreeable, and her son is the best son in the world. He never greets her without kissing her hand; he gives her his arm for her walk; he brings her favorite arm-chair and footstool and her book; he pays her reverence and pretty compliments — he is what every son should be, but which, alas!, few American sons are. THE END