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 UNDERGRADUATE LIBRARY 
 
PS 1097 [j'=4"""'"''"'""'y'-ibrary 
 
 The devil's dictionary, 
 
 3 1924 014 323 772 
 
« Cornell University 
 B Library 
 
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 tlie Cornell University Library. 
 
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 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY 
 
THE DEVIL'S 
 DICTIONARY 
 
 AMBROSE BIERCE 
 
 THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 CLEVELAND AND NEW YORK 
 
Published by THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 22JI West iioth Street ■ Cleveland 2 ■ Ohio 
 
 WPO 
 COPYRIGHT I9II BY ALBERT AND CHARLES BONI, INC. 
 MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 
 
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY 
 
PREFACE 
 
 The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly 
 paper in 1881, and was continued in a desul- 
 tory way and at long intervals until 1906. In 
 that year a large part of it was published in 
 covers with the title The Cynic's Word Book, 
 a name which the author had not the power to 
 reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote 
 the publishers of the present work : 
 
 "This more reverent title had previously 
 been forced upon him by the religious scru- 
 ples of the last newspaper in which a part of 
 the work had appeared, with the natural con- 
 sequence that when it came out in covers the 
 country already had been flooded by its imita- 
 tors with a score of 'cynic' books — The 
 Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and The 
 Cynic's t'Other. Most of these books were 
 merely stupid, though some of them added the 
 distinction of silliness. Among them, they 
 
brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep 
 that any book bearing it was discredited in 
 advance of publication." 
 
 Meantime, too, some of the enterprising 
 humorists of the country had helped them- 
 selves to such parts of the work as served their 
 needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, 
 phrases and so forth, had become more or less 
 current in popular speech. This explanation is 
 made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, 
 but in simple denial of possible charges of 
 plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely 
 resuming his own the author hopes to be held 
 guiltless by those to whom the work is 
 addressed — enlightened souls who prefer dry 
 wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor 
 and clean English to slang. 
 
 A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleas- 
 ing, feature of the book is its abundant illus- 
 trative quotations from eminent poets, chief 
 of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, 
 Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear 
 his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encour- 
 agement and assistance the author of the prose 
 text is greatly indebted. 
 
 A. B. 
 
Abasement, n. A decent and customary ment- 
 al attitude in the presence of wealth or 
 power. Peculiarly appropriate in an em- 
 ployee when addressing an empldyer. 
 
 Abatis, «. Rubbish in front of a fort, to pre- 
 vent the rubbish outside from molesting the 
 rubbish inside. 
 
 Abdication, n. An act whereby a sovereign 
 attests his sense of the high temperature of 
 the throne. 
 
 Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication 
 Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. 
 For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: 
 She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. 
 To History she'll be no royal riddle — 
 Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. 
 
 G. J 
 
 Abdomen, n. The temple of the god Stomach, 
 in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all 
 
12 
 
 true men engage. From women this ancient 
 faith commands but a stammering assent. 
 They sometimes minister at the altar in a 
 half-hearted and ineffective way, but true 
 reverence for the one deity that men really 
 adore they know not. If woman had a free 
 hand in the world's marketing the race 
 would become graminivorous. 
 
 Ability, «. The natural equipment to accom- 
 plish some small part of the meaner ambi- 
 tions distinguishing able men from dead 
 ones. In the last analysis ability is com- 
 monly found to consist mainly in a high 
 degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, 
 this impressive quality is rightly appraised; 
 it is no easy task to be solemn. 
 
 Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to stand- 
 ard. In matters of thought and conduct, to 
 be independent is to be abnormal, to be ab- 
 normal is to be detested. Wherefore the 
 lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a 
 straiter resemblance to the Average Man 
 than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth 
 thereto shall have peace, the prospect of 
 death and the hope of Hell. 
 
13 
 
 Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found 
 cumbering the soil of a newly discovered 
 country. They soon cease to cumber; they 
 fertilize. 
 
 Abracadabra. 
 
 By Abracadabra we signify 
 
 An infinite number of things. 
 'Tis the answer to What ? and How ? and Why ? 
 And Whence? and Whither? — a word whereby 
 
 The Truth (with the comfort it brings) 
 Is open to all who grope in night, 
 Crying for Wisdom's holy light. 
 
 Whether the word is a verb or a noun 
 
 Is knowledge beyond my reach. 
 I only know that 'tis handed down 
 From sage to sage, 
 From age to age — 
 An immortal part of speech! 
 
 Of an ancient man the tale is told 
 That he lived to be ten centuries old, 
 
 In a cave on a mountain side. 
 
 (True, he finally died.) 
 The fame of his wisdom filled the land, 
 For his head was bald, and you'll understand 
 
 His beard was long and white 
 
 And his eyes uncommonly bright. 
 
14 
 
 Philosophers gathered from far and near 
 To sit at his feet and hear and hear, 
 Though he never was heard 
 To utter a word 
 But "Abracadabra, abracadab, 
 
 Abracada, abracad, 
 Abraca, abrac, abra, abl" 
 'Twas all he had, 
 *Twas all they wanted to hear, and each 
 Made copious notes of the mystical speech, 
 Which they published next — 
 A trickle of text 
 In a meadow of commentary. 
 Mighty big books were these, 
 In number, as leaves of trees; 
 In learning, remarkable — very! 
 
 He's dead, 
 
 As I said. 
 And the books of the sages have perished, 
 But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. 
 In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, 
 Like an ancient bell that forever swings. 
 
 O, I love to hear 
 
 That word make clear 
 Humanity's General Sense of Things. 
 
 Jamrach Holobom. 
 
 Abridge, t. /. To shorten. 
 
 When in the course of human events it becomes 
 necessary for a people to abridge their king, ? decent 
 
15 
 
 respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they 
 should declare the causes which impel them to the 
 separation. — Oliver Cromwell. 
 
 Abrupt, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like 
 the arrival of a cannon-shot and the depart- 
 ure of the soldier whose interests are most 
 affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beauti- 
 fully said of another author's ideas that they 
 were "concatenated without abruption." 
 
 Abscond, v. i. To "move in a mysterious way," 
 commonly with the property of another. 
 
 Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; 
 The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. 
 
 Phela Orm. 
 
 Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth 
 of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the 
 wrong; superseded in the consideration and 
 affection of another. 
 
 To men a man is but a mind. Who cares 
 What face he carries or what form he wears? 
 But woman's body is the woman. O, 
 Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, 
 But heed the warning words the sage hath said : 
 A woman absent is a woman dead. 
 
 logo Tyree, 
 
16 
 
 Absentee, n. A person with an income who 
 has had the forethought to remove himself 
 from the sphere of exaction. 
 
 Absolute, adj. Independent, irresponsible. 
 An absolute monarchy is one in which the 
 sovereign does as he pleases so long as he 
 pleases the assassins. Not many absolute 
 monarchies are left, most of them having 
 been replaced by limited monarchies, where 
 the sovereign's power for evil (and for 
 good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, 
 which are governed by chance. 
 
 Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to 
 the temptation of denying himself a pleas- 
 ure. A total abstainer is one who abstains 
 from everything but abstention, and espec- 
 ially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 
 
 Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought 
 
 You a total abstainer, my son." 
 "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught — 
 
 "But not, sir, a bigoted one." 
 
 G.L 
 
 Absurdity, n. A statement or belief mani- 
 festly inconsistent with one's own opinion. 
 
17 
 
 Academe, n. An ancient school where mor- 
 ality and philosophy were taught. 
 
 Academy, n. (from academe). A modern 
 school where football is taught. 
 
 Accident, n. An inevitable occurrence due 
 to the action of immutable natural laws. 
 
 Accomplice, n. One associated with another 
 in a crime, having guilty knowledge and 
 complicity, as an attorney who defends a 
 criminal, knowing him guilty. This view 
 of the attorney's position in the matter has 
 not hitherto commanded the assent of at- 
 torneys, no one having offered them a fee 
 for assenting. 
 
 Accord, «. Harmony. 
 
 Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony 
 with the sentiments of an assassin. 
 
 Accountability, n. The mother of caution. 
 
 "My accountability, bear in mind," 
 Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," 
 
 Said the Shah: "I do— 'tis the only kind 
 Of ability you possess." 
 
 Joram Tate, 
 
18 
 
 Accuse, v. t. To affirm another's guilt or 
 unworth; most commonly as a justification 
 of ourselves for having wronged him. 
 
 Acephalous, adj. In the surprising condi- 
 tion of the Crusader who absently pulled at 
 his forelock some hours after a Saracen 
 scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed 
 through his neck, as related by de Joinville. 
 
 Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and 
 the birth of disgust. 
 
 Acknowledge, v. t. To confess. Acknow- 
 ledgment of one another's faults is the high- 
 est duty imposed by our love of truth. 
 
 Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know 
 well enough to borrow from, but not well 
 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship 
 called slight when its object is poor or 
 obscure, and intimate when he is rich or 
 famous. 
 
 Actually, adv. Perhaps ; possibly. 
 
 Adage, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. 
 
19 
 
 Adamant, n. A mineral frequently found 
 beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of 
 gold. 
 
 Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from 
 its habit of adding funeral outlays to the 
 other expenses of living. 
 
 Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet 
 obtained all that he expects to get. 
 
 Administration, n. An ingenious abstrac- 
 tion in politics, designed to receive the kicks 
 and cuffs due to the premier or president. A 
 man of straw, proof against bad-egging and 
 dead-catting. 
 
 Admiral, n. That part of a war-ship which 
 does the talking while the figure-head does 
 the thinking. 
 
 Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of 
 another's resemblance to ourselves. 
 
 Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a 
 meat-axe. Friendly warning. 
 
 Consigned, by way of admonition, 
 His soul forever to perdition. 
 
 Judibras. 
 
20 
 
 AdorE^ v. t. To venerate expectantly. 
 
 Advice, n. The smallest current coin. 
 
 -■) 
 
 "The man was in such deep distress," 
 
 Said Tom, "that I could do no less 
 
 Than give him good advice." Said Jim: 
 
 "If less could have been done for him 
 
 I know you well enough, my son. 
 
 To know that's what you would have done." 
 
 Jebel Jocordy. 
 
 Affianced, pp. Fitted with an ankle- ring for 
 the ball-and-chain. 
 
 Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process pre- 
 paring the soul for another and bitter world. 
 
 African, n. A nigger that votes our way. 
 
 Age, n. That period of life in which we com- 
 pound for the vices that we still cherish 
 by reviling those that we have no longer the 
 enterprise to commit. 
 
 Agitator, n. A statesman who shakes the 
 fruit trees of his neighbors — to dislodge the 
 worms. 
 
21 
 
 Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. 
 
 "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" 
 
 She tenderly inquired. 
 "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; 
 
 The fact is — I have fired." 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a 
 bountiful Providence for the fattening of 
 the poor. 
 
 Alderman, «. An ingenious criminal who 
 covers his secret thieving with a pretence of 
 open marauding. 
 
 Alien, «. An American sovereign in his pro- 
 bationary state. 
 
 Allah, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, 
 as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, 
 and so forth. 
 
 Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, 
 
 And ever for the sins of man have wept; 
 
 And sometimes kneeling in the temple I 
 
 Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. 
 
 Junker Barlow. 
 
22 
 
 Allegiance, n. 
 
 This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, 
 Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose. 
 Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed 
 To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Alliance, n. In international politics, the 
 union of two thieves who have their hands 
 so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 
 that they cannot separately plunder a third. 
 
 Alligator, n. The crocodile of America, 
 superior in every detail to the crocodile of 
 the effete monarchies of the Old World. 
 Herodotus says the Indus is, with one excep- 
 tion, the only river that produces crocodiles, 
 but they appear to have gone West and 
 grown up with the other rivers. From the 
 notches on his back the alligator is called 
 a sawrian. 
 
 Alone, adj. In bad company. 
 
 In contact, lo! the flint and steel, 
 By spark and flame, the thought reveal 
 That he the metal, she the stone. 
 Had cherished secretly alone. 
 
 Booley Fito. 
 
23 
 
 Altar, b. The place whereon the priest form- 
 erly raveled out the small intestine of the 
 sacrificial victim for purposes of divination 
 and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word 
 is now seldom used, except with reference to 
 the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by 
 a male and a female fool. 
 
 They stood before the altar and supplied 
 The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. 
 In vain the sacrifice! — no god will claim 
 An offering burnt with an unholy flame. 
 
 M. P. Nopput. 
 
 Ambidextrous, adj. Able to pick with equal 
 skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 
 
 Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be 
 vilified by enemies while living and made 
 ridiculous by friends when dead. 
 
 Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to 
 those offenders whom it would be too expen- 
 sive to punish. 
 
 Anoint^ v. t. To grease a king or other great 
 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 
 
 As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, 
 So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. 
 
 Judibras. 
 
24 
 
 Antipathy, ». The sentiment inspired by 
 one's friend's friend. 
 
 Aphorism, «. Predigested wisdom. 
 
 The flabby wine-skin of his brain 
 Yields to some pathologic strain, 
 And voids from its unstored abysm 
 The driblet of an aphorism. 
 
 "The Mad Philosopher," 1697. 
 
 Apologize, v. i. To lay the foundation for a 
 future offence. 
 
 Apostate, n. A leech who, having penetrated 
 the shell of a turtle only to find that the 
 creature has long been dead, deems it exped- 
 ient to form a new attachment to a fresh 
 turtle. 
 
 Apothecary, n. The physician's accomplice, 
 undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's 
 provider. 
 
 When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, 
 And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, 
 That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth 
 Disease for the apothecary's health. 
 Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: 
 "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" 
 
 G.J. 
 
25 
 
 Appeal, v. t. In law, to put the dice into the 
 box for another throw. 
 
 Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully im- 
 planted by Providence as a solution to the 
 labor question. 
 
 Applause, n. The echo of a platitude. 
 
 April Fool, n. The March fool with another 
 month added to his folly. 
 
 Archbishop, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary 
 one point holier than a bishop. 
 
 If I were a jolly archbishop, 
 On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up — 
 Salmon and flounders and smelts; 
 On other days everything else. 
 
 Jodo Rem. 
 
 Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your 
 house, and plans a draft of your money. 
 
 Ardor, «. The quality that distinguishes love 
 without knowledge. 
 
 Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit 
 in which the statesman wrestles with his 
 record. 
 
26 
 
 Aristocracy, «. Government by the best men. 
 (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that 
 kind of government.) Fellows that wear 
 downy hats and clean shirts — guilty of educ- 
 ation and suspected of bank accounts. 
 
 Armor, «. The kind of clothing worn by a 
 man whose tailor is a blacksmith. 
 
 Arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly 
 disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamp- 
 post. 
 
 Arrest, v. t. Formally to detain one accused 
 of unusualness. 
 
 God made the world in six days and was 
 arrested on the seventh. — The Unauthorized 
 Version. 
 
 Arsenic, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affect- 
 ed by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in 
 turn. 
 
 "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," 
 
 Consenting, he did speak up; 
 " 'Tis better you should eat it, pet, 
 
 Than put it in my teacup." 
 
 Joel Huck. 
 
27 
 
 Art, n. This word has no definition. Its 
 origin is related as follows by the ingenious 
 Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J. 
 
 One day a wag — ^what would the wretch be at? — 
 
 Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, 
 
 And said it was a god's name! Straight arose 
 
 Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, 
 
 And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns. 
 
 And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) 
 
 To serve his temple and maintain the fires. 
 
 Expound the law, manipulate the wires. 
 
 Amazed, the populace the rites attend, 
 
 Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, 
 
 And, inly edified to learn that two 
 
 Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) 
 
 Have sweeter values and a grace more fit 
 
 Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, 
 
 Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts. 
 
 And sell their garments to support the priests. 
 
 Artlessness, n. A certain engaging quality 
 to which women attain by long study and 
 severe practice upon the admiring male, 
 who is pleased to fancy it resembles the can- 
 did simplicity of his young. 
 
 Asperse, v. t. Maliciously to ascribe to 
 another vicious actions which one has not 
 had the temptation and opportunity to com- 
 mit. 
 
28 
 
 Ass, n. A public singer with a good voice but 
 no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is 
 called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the 
 Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The 
 animal is widely and variously celebrated 
 in the literature, art and religion of every 
 age and country; no other so engages and 
 fires the human imagination as this noble 
 vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some 
 (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stan- 
 tatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; 
 and as such we know it was worshiped by 
 the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Mac- 
 robious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only 
 two animals admitted into the Mahometan 
 Paradise along with the souls of men, the 
 ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of 
 the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no 
 small distinction. From what has been 
 written about this beast might be compiled 
 a library of great splendor and magnitude, 
 rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and 
 that which clusters about the Bible. It may 
 be said, generally, that all literature is more 
 or less Asinine. 
 
 "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; 
 "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! 
 
29 
 
 Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: 
 God made all else; the Mule, the Mule is thine!" 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims 
 with a hammer that he has picked a pocket 
 with his tongue. 
 
 Australia, n. A country lying in the South 
 Sea, whose industrial and commercial 
 development has been unspeakably retarded 
 by an unfortunate dispute among geograph- 
 ers as to whether it is a continent or an 
 island. 
 
 AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients 
 entered the infernal regions. The fact that 
 access to the infernal regions was obtained 
 by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus 
 Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the 
 Christian rite of baptism by immersion. 
 This, however, has been shown by Lactan- 
 tius to be an error. 
 
 Facilis descensus Averni, 
 
 The poet remarks; and the sense 
 
 Of it is that when down-hill I turn I 
 Will get more of punches than pence. 
 
 Jehal Dai Lupe. 
 
30 
 
 B 
 
 Baal, n. An old deity formerly much wor- 
 shiped under various names. As Baal he was 
 popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or 
 Bel he had the honor to be served by the 
 priest Berosus, who wrote the famous ac- 
 count of the Deluge ; as Babel he had a tower 
 partly erected to his glory on the Plain of 
 Shinar. From Babel comes our English 
 word "babble." Under whatever name wor- 
 shiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelze- 
 bub he is the god of flies, which are begotten 
 of the sun's rays on stagnant water. In 
 Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, 
 and as Belly he is adored and served with 
 abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttle- 
 dom. 
 
 Babe or Baby, n. A misshapen creature of no 
 particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly 
 remarkable for the violence of the sympath- 
 ies and antipathies it excites in others, 
 itself without sentiment or emotion. There 
 have been famous babes ; for example, little 
 Moses, from whose adventure in the bul- 
 
31 
 
 rushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven 
 centuries before doubtless derived their idle 
 tale of the child Osiris being preserved on 
 a floating lotus leaf. 
 
 Ere babes were invented 
 
 The girls were contented. 
 
 Now man is tormented 
 Until to buy babes he has squandered 
 His money. And so I have pondered 
 
 This thing, and thought may be 
 
 'T were better that Baby 
 The First had been eagled or condored. 
 
 Ro A mil. 
 
 Bacchus, «. A convenient deity invented by 
 the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. 
 
 Is public worship, then, a sin. 
 
 That for devotions paid to Bacchus 
 
 The lictors dare to run us in, 
 
 And resolutely thump and whack us? 
 
 Jorace. 
 
 Back, n. That part of your friend which it is 
 your privilege to contemplate in your ad- 
 versity. 
 
 Backbite, v. t. To speak of a man as you 
 find him when he can't find you. 
 
32 
 
 Bait, «. A preparation that renders the hook 
 more palatable. The best kind is beauty. 
 
 Baptism, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy 
 that he who finds himself in heaven without 
 having undergone it will be unhappy for- 
 ever. It is performed with water in two 
 ways — by immersion, or plunging, and by 
 aspersion, or sprinkling. 
 
 But whether the plan of immersion 
 Is better than simple aspersion 
 
 Let those immersed 
 
 And those aspersed 
 Decide by the Authorized Version, 
 And by matching their agues tertian. 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument 
 which indicates what kind of weather we 
 are having. 
 
 Barrack, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy 
 a portion of that of which it is their business 
 to deprive others. 
 
 Basilisk, n. The cockatrice. A sort of ser- 
 pent hatched from the egg of a cock. The 
 basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was 
 
33 
 
 fatal. Many infidels deny this creature's 
 existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and 
 handled one that had been blinded by light- 
 ning as a punishment for having fatally 
 gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter 
 loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's 
 sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well 
 attested by the ancients as the existence of 
 the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped lay- 
 ing. 
 
 Bastinado, n. The act of walking on wood 
 without exertion. 
 
 Bath, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substit- 
 uted for religious worship, with what spirit- 
 ual efficacy has not been determined. 
 
 The man who taketh a steam bath 
 He loseth all the skin he hath, 
 And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, 
 Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, 
 Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling 
 With dirty vapors of the boiling. 
 
 Richard Gwow. 
 
 Battle, n. A method of untying with the 
 teeth a political knot that would not yield 
 to the tongue. 
 
34 
 
 Beard, «. The hair that is commonly cut off 
 by those who justly execrate the absurd 
 Chinese custoip of shaving the head. 
 
 Beauty, n. The power by which a woman 
 charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 
 
 Befriend, v. t. To make an ingrate. 
 
 Beg, v. To ask for something with an earnest- 
 ness proportioned to the belief that it will 
 not be given. 
 
 Who is that, father? 
 
 A mendicant, child. 
 Haggard, morose, and unaffable — wild! 
 See how he glares through the bars of his cell! 
 With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. 
 
 Why did they put him there, father? 
 
 Because 
 Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. 
 
 His belly? 
 
 Oh, well, he was starving, my boy — 
 A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. 
 No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry 
 Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" 
 
35 
 
 What's the matter with pie? 
 
 With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; 
 To beg was unlawful — improper as well. 
 
 Why didn't he work? 
 
 He would even have done that, 
 But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: 
 
 "Scat!" 
 I mention these incidents merely to show 
 That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. 
 Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, 
 But for trifles — 
 
 Pray what did bad Mendicant do ? 
 
 Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack 
 And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. 
 
 Is that all father dear ? 
 
 There is little to tell: 
 They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to — ^well, 
 The company's better than here we can boast. 
 And there's — 
 
 Bread for the needy, dear father? 
 
 Um — toast. 
 
 Atka Mip. 
 
36 
 
 Beggar, n. One who has relied on the assist- 
 ance of his friends. 
 
 Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by 
 principle, but by breeding. The word seems 
 to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach 
 Holobom's translation of the following lines 
 in the Dies Irce : 
 
 Recordare, Jesu pie, 
 Quod sum causa tuae vias. 
 Ne me perdas ilia die. 
 
 , Pray remember, sacred Savior, 
 Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your 
 Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. 
 
 Belladonna, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; 
 in English a deadly poison. A striking 
 example of the essential identity of the two 
 tongues. 
 
 Benedictines, n. An order of monks other- 
 wise known as black friars. 
 
 She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be 
 A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. 
 
 "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she — 
 "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." 
 "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712). 
 
37 
 
 Benefactor, n. One who makes heavy pur- 
 chases of ingratitude, without, however, 
 materially affecting the price, which is still 
 within the means of all. 
 
 Berenice's Hair, n. A constellation {Coma 
 Berenices) named in honor of one who sac^ 
 rificed her hair to save her husband. 
 
 Her locks an ancient lady gave 
 Her loving husband's life to save; 
 And men — they honored so the dame — 
 Upon some stars bestowed her name. 
 
 But to our modern married fair, 
 Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 
 No stellar recognition's given. 
 There are not stars enough in heaven. 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Bigamy, «. A mistake in taste for which the 
 wisdom of the future will adjudge a punish- 
 ment called trigamy. 
 
 Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zeal- 
 ously attached to an opinion that you do not 
 entertain. 
 
 Billingsgate, n. The invective of an oppon- 
 ent. 
 
38 
 
 Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. 
 As to the nature of it there appears to be no 
 uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born 
 from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. 
 Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, 
 who wrote in the tenth century, avers that 
 he grew up out of the ground where a priest 
 had spilled holy water. It is known that 
 Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the 
 earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leu- 
 comedon was the son of a cavern in Mount 
 j^tna, and I have myself seen a man come 
 out of a wine cellar. 
 
 Blackguard, n. A man whose qualities, pre- 
 pared for display like a box of berries in a 
 market — the fine ones on top — have been 
 opened on the wrong side. An inverted 
 gentleman. 
 
 Blank-verse, n. Unrhymed iambic penta- 
 meters — the most difficult kind of English 
 verse to write acceptably ; a kind, therefore, 
 much affected by those who cannot accepta- 
 bly write any kind. 
 
 Body-snatcher, n. A robber of grave-worms. 
 One who supplies the young physicians with 
 
39 
 
 that with which the old physicians have sup- 
 plied the undertaker. The hyena. 
 
 "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, 
 I and my comrades, four in all, 
 
 When visiting a graveyard stood 
 Within the shadow of a wall, 
 
 "While waiting for the moon to sink 
 We saw a wild hyena slink 
 
 About a new-made grave, and then 
 Begin to excavate its brink! 
 
 "Shocked by the horrid act, we made 
 A sally from our ambuscade, 
 
 And, falling on the unholy beast, 
 Dispatched him with a pick and spade." 
 
 Bettel K. J hones. 
 
 Bondsman, n. A fool who, having property 
 of his own, undertakes to become responsible 
 for that entrusted by another to a third. 
 
 Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint 
 one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, 
 to a high office, asked him what security he 
 would be able to give. "I need no bonds- 
 men," he replied, "for I can give you my 
 word of honor." "And pray what may be 
 the value of that?" inquired the amused 
 Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight 
 in gold." 
 
40 ' 
 
 Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish 
 him to listen. 
 
 Botany, «. The science of vegetables — those 
 that are not good to eat, as well as those that 
 are. It deals largely with their flowers, 
 which are commonly badly designed, inart- 
 istic in color, and ill-smelling. 
 
 Bottle-nosed, adj. Having a nose created in 
 the image of its maker. 
 
 Boundary, n. In political geography, an 
 imaginary line between two nations, separat- 
 ing the imaginary rights of one from the 
 imaginary rights of the other. 
 
 Bounty, n. The liberality of one who has 
 much, in permitting one who has nothing to 
 get all that he can. 
 
 A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions 
 of insects every year. The supplying of these insects 
 I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty 
 in providing for the lives of His creatures. — Henry 
 Ward Beecher. 
 
 Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, 
 who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed 
 
41 
 
 by Siva — a rather neater division of labor 
 than is found among the deities of some 
 other nations. The Abracadabranese, for 
 example, are created by Sin, maintained by 
 Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests 
 of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabran- 
 ese, are holy and learned men who are never 
 naughty. 
 
 O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, 
 First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, 
 You sit there so calm and securely. 
 With feet folded up so demurely — 
 You're the First Person Singular, surely. 
 
 Polydore Smith. 
 
 Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think 
 that we think. That which distinguishes 
 the man who is content to be something from 
 the man who wishes to do something. A 
 man of great wealth, or one who has been 
 pitchforked into high station, has commonly 
 such a headful of brain that his neighbors 
 cannot keep their hats on. In our civiliz- 
 ation, and under our republican form of 
 government, brain is so highly honored that 
 it is rewarded by exemption from the cares 
 of ofKce. 
 
42 
 
 Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part 
 thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, 
 two parts bloody murder, one part death- 
 hell- an d-the-grave and four parts clarified 
 Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy 
 is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink 
 of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink 
 it. 
 
 Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of 
 happiness behind her. 
 
 Brute, «. See Husband. 
 
 Caaba, n. A large stone presented by the arch- 
 angel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, 
 and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had 
 perhaps asked the archangel for bread. 
 
 Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden veget- 
 able about as large and wise as a man's 
 head. 
 
 The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, 
 a prince who on ascending the throne issued 
 a decree appointing a High Council of 
 
43 
 
 Empire consisting of the members of his 
 predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in 
 the royal garden. When any of his Majes- 
 ty's measures of state policy miscarried con- 
 spicuously it was gravely announced that 
 several members of the High Council had 
 been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects 
 were appeased. 
 
 Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain 
 and unmistakable reminder that the affairs 
 of this life are not of our own ordering. 
 Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to 
 ourselves, and good fortune to others. 
 
 Callous, ad]. Gifted with great fortitude to 
 bear the evils afflicting another. 
 
 When Zeno was told that one of his 
 enemies was no more he was observed to be 
 deeply moved. "What!" said one of his 
 disciples, "you weep at the death of an 
 enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great 
 Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the 
 death of a friend." 
 
 Calumnus, b. a graduate of the School for 
 Scandal. 
 
44 
 
 Camel, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes hump- 
 id orsus) of great value to the show busi- 
 ness. There are two kinds of camels — the 
 camel proper and the camel improper. It 
 is the latter that is always exhibited. 
 
 Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school 
 who preserves the simple tastes and adheres 
 to the natural diet of the p re-pork period. 
 
 Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the 
 rectification of national boundaries. 
 
 Canonicals, n. The motley worn by Jesters 
 of the Court of Heaven. 
 
 Capital, «. The seat of misgovernment. That 
 which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, 
 the table and the knife and fork for the 
 anarchist; the part of the repast that him- 
 self supplies is the disgrace before meat. 
 Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding 
 the justice and expediency of which many 
 worthy persons — including all the assassins 
 — entertain grave misgivings. 
 
 Carmelite, n. A mendicant friar of the order 
 of Mount Carmel. 
 
43 
 
 As Death was a-riding out one day, 
 Across Mount Carmel he took his way, 
 
 Where he met a mendicant monk, 
 
 Some three or four quarters drunk, 
 With a holy leer and a pious grin. 
 Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin. 
 
 Who held out his hands and cried: 
 "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. 
 Give in the name of the Church. O give, 
 Give that her holy sons may live !" 
 
 And Death replied. 
 
 Smiling long and wide: 
 
 "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee — a ride." 
 
 With a rattle and bang 
 
 Of his bones, he sprang 
 From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; 
 
 By the neck and the foot 
 
 Seized the fellow, and put 
 Him astride with his face to the rear. 
 
 The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell 
 Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: 
 "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say. 
 Will ride to the devil!" — and thump 
 Fell the flat of his dart on the rump 
 Of the charger, which galloped away. 
 
 Faster and faster and faster it flew. 
 
 Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew 
 
 By the road were dim and blended and blue 
 
 To the wild, wide eyes 
 
 Of the rider — in size 
 
46 
 
 Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. 
 Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh 
 
 At a burial service spoiled, 
 
 And the mourners' intentions foiled 
 
 By the body erecting 
 
 Its head and objecting 
 To further proceedings in its behalf. 
 
 Many a year and many a day 
 Have passed since these events away. 
 The monk has long been a dusty corse, 
 And Death has never recovered his horse. 
 
 For the friar got hold of its tail. 
 
 And steered it within the pale 
 Of the monastery gray. 
 Where the beast was stabled and fed 
 With barley and oil and bread 
 Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, 
 And so in due course was appointed Prior. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of 
 devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs 
 and assigns. 
 
 Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a 
 famous philosopher, author of the cele- 
 brated dictum, Cogito ergo sum — ^whereby 
 he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated 
 the reality of human existence. The dictum 
 might be improved, however, thus: Cogito 
 
47 
 
 cogito ergo cogito sum — "I think that I 
 think, therefore I think that I am ;" as close 
 an approach to certainty as any philosopher 
 has yet made. 
 
 Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton pro- 
 vided by nature to be kicked when things 
 go wrong in the domestic circle. 
 
 This is a dog, 
 
 This is a cat, 
 This is a frog, 
 
 This is a rat. 
 Run, dog, mew, cat, 
 Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. 
 
 Elevenson. 
 
 Caviler, n. A critic of our own work. 
 
 Cemetery, n. An isolated suburban spot 
 where mourners match lies, poets write at 
 a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. 
 The inscriptions following will serve to 
 illustrate the success attained in these 
 Olympian games: 
 
 His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, 
 unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, 
 to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented 
 them as vices. They are here commemorated by his fam- 
 ily, who shared them. 
 
48 
 
 In the earth we here prepare a 
 Place to lay our little Clara. 
 
 — Thomas M. and Mary Frazer. 
 P. S. — Gabriel will raise her. 
 
 Centaur, n. One of a race of persons who 
 lived before the division of labor had been 
 carried to such a pitch of differentiation, 
 and who followed the primitive economic 
 maxim, "Every man his own horse." The 
 best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wis- 
 dom and virtues of the horse added the 
 fleetness of man. The scripture story of the 
 head of John the Baptist on a charger shows 
 that pagan myths have somewhat sophistic- 
 ated sacred history. 
 
 Cerberus, «. The watch-dog of Hades, whose 
 duty it was to guard the entrance — against 
 whom or what does not clearly appear; 
 everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, 
 and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. 
 Cerberus is known to have had three heads, 
 and some of the poets have credited him 
 with as many as a hundred. Professor Gray- 
 bill, whose clerky erudition and profound 
 knowledge of Greek give his opinion great 
 weight, has averaged all the estimates, and 
 
49 
 
 makes the number twenty-seven — a judg- 
 ment that would be entirely conclusive if 
 Professor Graybill had known (a) some- 
 thing about dogs, and (b) something about 
 arithmetic. 
 
 Childhood, «. The period of human life 
 intermediate between the idiocy of infancy 
 and the folly of youth — two removes from 
 the sin of manhaod and three from the 
 remorse of age. 
 
 Christian, n. One who believes that the New 
 Testament is a divinely inspired book 
 admirably suited to the spiritual needs of 
 his neighbor. One who follows the teach- 
 ings of Christ in so far as they are not incon- 
 sistent with a life of sin. 
 
 I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! 
 The godly multitudes walked to and fro 
 Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, 
 With pious mien, appropriately sad, 
 While all the church bells made a solemn din— • 
 A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. 
 Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, 
 With tranquil face, upon that holy show 
 A tall, spare figure in a robe of white. 
 Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. 
 
50 
 
 "God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are 
 No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; 
 And yer I entertain the hope that you, 
 Like these good people, are a Christian too." 
 He raised his eyes and with a look so stern 
 It made me with a thousand blushes burn 
 Replied — his manner with disdain was spiced : 
 "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and 
 elephants are permitted to see men, women 
 and children acting the fool. 
 
 Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a 
 woman, who has the power of seeing that 
 which is invisible to her patron — namely, 
 that he is a blockhead. 
 
 Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture 
 operated by a person with cotton in his ears. 
 There are two instruments that are worse 
 than a clarionet — two clarionets. 
 
 Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the 
 management of our spiritual affairs as a 
 method of bettering his temporal ones. 
 
 Clio, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's func- 
 tion was to preside over history — which she 
 
51 
 
 did with great dignity, many of the promin- 
 ent citizens of Athens occupying seats on 
 the platform, the meetings being addressed 
 by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other 
 popular speakers. 
 
 Clock^ n. A machine of great moral value to 
 man, allaying his concern for the future by 
 reminding him what a lot of time remains 
 to him. 
 
 A busy man complained one day: 
 
 "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" 
 
 Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; 
 
 "You have, sir, all the time there is. 
 
 There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it — 
 
 We're never for an hour without it." 
 
 Purzil Crofe. 
 
 Close-fisted, adj. Unduly desirous of keep- 
 ing that which many meritorious persons 
 wish to obtain. 
 
 "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried 
 
 To thrifty J. Macpherson ; 
 "See me — I'm ready to divide 
 
 With any worthy person." 
 
52 
 
 Said Janjie: "That is very true — 
 
 The boast requires no backing; 
 And all are worthy, sir, to you. 
 
 Who have what you are lacking." 
 
 Anita M. Bobe. 
 
 CCENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts him- 
 self up to meditate upon the sin of wicked- 
 ness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins 
 a brotherhood of awful examples. 
 
 O Coenobite, O coenobite, 
 
 Monastical gregarian. 
 You differ from the anchorite, 
 
 That solitudinarian: 
 With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; 
 With dropping shots he makes him sick. 
 
 Quincy Giles. 
 
 Comfort, «. A state of mind produced by 
 contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. 
 
 Commendation, n. The tribute that we pay 
 to achievements that resemble, but do not 
 equal, our own. 
 
 Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which 
 A plunders from B the goods of C, and for 
 compensation B picks the pocket of D of 
 money belonging to E. 
 
53 
 
 Commonwealth, n. An administrative ent- 
 ity operated by an incalculable multitude of 
 political parasites, logically active but fort- 
 uitously efficient. 
 
 This commonwealth's Capitol's corridors view, 
 
 So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew 
 
 Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches 
 
 Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays 
 
 That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins 
 
 Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. 
 
 On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all. 
 
 Misfortune attend and disaster befall! 
 
 May life be to them a succession of hurts; 
 
 May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; 
 
 May aches and diseases encamp in their bones. 
 
 Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; 
 
 May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest. 
 
 And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; 
 
 May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, 
 
 And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. 
 
 Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse 
 
 Of audible sofas sepulchraUy hoarse. 
 
 By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors — 
 
 The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! 
 
 Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! 
 
 Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, 
 
 Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. 
 
 K. Q. 
 
 Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of con- 
 flicting interests as gives each adversary the 
 
54 
 
 satisfaction of thinking he has got what he 
 ought not to have, and is deprived of no- 
 thing except what was justly his due. 
 
 Compulsion, n. The eloquence of power. 
 
 Condole, v. i. To show that bereavement is 
 a smaller evil than sympathy. 
 
 Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted 
 by A with the secrets of B, confided by him 
 to C. 
 
 Congratulation, n. The civility of envy. 
 
 Congress, n. A body of men who meet to 
 repeal laws. 
 
 Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows 
 everything about something and nothing 
 about anything else. 
 
 An old wine-bibber having been smashed 
 in a railway collision, some wine was poured 
 upon his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 
 1873," he murmured and died. 
 
 Conservative, n. A statesman who is enam- 
 
55 
 
 ored of existing evils, as distinguished from 
 the Liberal, who wishes to replace them 
 with others. 
 
 Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better 
 man is more unfortunate than yourself. 
 
 Consul, n. In American politics, a person 
 who having failed to secure an office from 
 the people is given one by the Administra- 
 tion on condition that he leave the country. 
 
 Consult, v. t. To seek another's approval of 
 a course already decided on. 
 
 Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man 
 for an enemy who is too formidable safely 
 to be opposed. 
 
 Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or 
 ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and 
 the inconsiderate bayonet. 
 
 In controversy with the facile tongue — 
 
 That bloodless warfare of the old and young — 
 
 So seek your adversary to engage 
 
 That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, 
 
 And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, 
 
 With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. 
 
56 
 
 You ask me how this miracle is done? 
 Adopt his own opinions, one by one, 
 And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath 
 He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. 
 Advance then gently all you wish to prove. 
 Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've 
 So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say. 
 And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way. 
 This view of it which, better far expressed. 
 Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest 
 To him, secure that he'll perform his trust 
 And prove your views intelligent and just. 
 
 Conmore Apel Brune. 
 
 Convent^ n. A place of retirement for women 
 who wish for leisure to meditate upon the 
 vice of idleness. 
 
 Conversation, n. A fair for the display of 
 the minor mental commodities, each ex- 
 hibitor being too intent upon the arrange- 
 ment of his own wares to observe those of 
 his neighbor. 
 
 Coronation, n. The ceremony of investing 
 a sovereign with the outward and visible 
 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh 
 with a dynamite bomb. 
 
57 
 
 Corporal, n. A man who occupies the lowest 
 rung of the military ladder. 
 
 Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, 
 
 Our corporal heroically fell! 
 
 Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl 
 
 And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." 
 
 Giacomo Smith. 
 
 Corporation, n. An ingenious device for 
 obtaining individual profit without individ- 
 ual responsibility. 
 
 Corsair, n. A politician of the seas. 
 
 Court Fool, «. The plaintiff. 
 
 Coward, «. One who in a perilous emergency 
 thinks with his legs. 
 
 Craft, n. A fool's substitute for brains. 
 
 Crayfish, n. A small crustacean very much 
 resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. 
 
 In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is 
 admirably figured and symbolized; for whereas the 
 crayfish doth move only backward, and can have only 
 retrospection, seeing naught but the perils already 
 
58 
 
 passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him 
 to avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to 
 apprehend their nature afterward.^-Sir James Meri- 
 vale. 
 
 Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages 
 dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and 
 dreaded for their desolating incursions. 
 
 Cremona, n. A high-priced violin made in 
 Connecticut. 
 
 Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard 
 to please because nobody tries to please him. 
 
 There is a land of pure delight. 
 
 Beyond the Jordan's flood, 
 Where saints, apparelled all in white. 
 
 Fling back the critic's mud. 
 
 And as he legs it through the skies, 
 
 His pelt a sable hue. 
 He sorrows sore to recognize 
 
 The missiles that he threw. 
 
 Orrin Goof. 
 
 Cross, n. An ancient religious symbol errone- 
 ously supposed to owe its significance to the 
 most solemn event in the history of Christ- 
 ianity, but really antedating it by thousands 
 
59 
 
 of years. By many it has been believed to 
 be identical with the crux ansata of the an- 
 cient phallic worship, but it has been traced 
 even beyond all that we know of that, to the 
 rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day 
 the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and 
 the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neu- 
 trality in war. Having in mind the former, 
 the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites 
 the lyre to the effect following : 
 
 "Be good, be good !" the sisterhood 
 
 Cry out in holy chorus, 
 And, to dissuade from sin, parade 
 
 Their various charms before us. 
 
 But why, O why, has ne'er an eye 
 
 Seen her of winsome manner 
 And youthful grace and pretty face 
 
 Flaunting the White Cross banner ? 
 
 Now where's the need of speech and screed 
 
 To better our behaving? 
 A simpler plan for saving man 
 
 (But, first, is he worth saving?) 
 
 Is, dears, when he declines to flee 
 From bad thoughts that beset him, 
 
 Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, 
 And wants to sin — don't let him. 
 
60 
 
 Cm Bono? (Latin) What good would that 
 do me} 
 
 Cunning, n. The faculty that distinguishes 
 a weak animal or person from a strong one. 
 It brings its possessor much mental satis- 
 faction and great material adversity. An 
 Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the 
 skins of more foxes than asses." 
 
 Cupid, n. The so-called god of love. This 
 bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was 
 no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the 
 sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and in- 
 appropriate conceptions this is the most 
 reasonless and offensive. The notion of 
 symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless 
 babe, and comparing the pains of passion to 
 the wounds of an arrow — of introducing 
 this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to 
 materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion 
 of the work — this is eminently worthy of 
 the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the 
 doorstep of posterity. 
 
 Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the 
 female mind. The desire to know whether 
 or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is 
 
61 
 
 one of the most active and insatiable pas- 
 sions of the masculine soul. 
 
 Curse, v. t. Energetically to belabor with a 
 verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which 
 in literature, particularly in the drama, is 
 commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, 
 the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts 
 but a small figure in fixing the rates of life 
 insurance. 
 
 Cynic, n. A glackguard whose faulty vision 
 sees things as they are, not as they ought to 
 be. Hence the custom among the Scythians 
 of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his 
 vision. 
 
 D 
 
 Damn, v. A word formerly much used by 
 the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which 
 is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak 
 it is believed to have been a term of satis- 
 faction, implying the highest possible degree 
 of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on 
 the contrary, thinks it expressed an emo- 
 tion of tumultuous delight, because it so fre- 
 
62 
 
 quently occurs in combination with the word 
 jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be 
 with great diffidence that I should advance 
 an opinion conflicting with that of either 
 of these formidable authorities. 
 
 Dance, v. i. To leap about to the sound of 
 tittering music, preferably with arms about 
 your neighbor's wife or daughter. There 
 are many kinds of dances, but all those 
 requiring the participation of the two sexes 
 have two characteristics in common: they 
 are conspicuously innocent, and warmly 
 loved by the vicious. 
 
 Danger, «. 
 
 A savage beast which, when it sleeps, 
 
 Man girds at and despises, 
 But takes himself away by leaps 
 
 And bounds when it arises. 
 
 Ambat Delaso. 
 
 Daring, «. One of the most conspicuous qual- 
 ities of a man in security. 
 
 Datary, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the 
 Roman Catholic Church, whose important 
 function is to brand the Pope's bulls with 
 
63 
 
 the words Datum Romee. He enjoys a 
 princely revenue and the friendship of God. 
 
 Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go 
 to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise 
 at about that time, taking a cold bath and a 
 long walk with an empty stomach, and 
 otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then 
 point with pride to these practices as the 
 cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; 
 the truth being that they are hearty and old, 
 not because of their habits, but in spite of 
 them. The reason we find only robust per- 
 sons doing this thing is that it has killed all 
 the others who have tried it. 
 
 Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly 
 misspent. This period is divided into two 
 parts, the day proper and the night, or day 
 improper — the former devoted to sins of 
 business, the latter consecrated to the other 
 sort. These two kinds of social activity 
 overlap. 
 
 Dead, adj. 
 
 Done with the work of breathing; done 
 With all the world ; the mad race run 
 
Through to the end; the golden goal 
 Attained and found to be a hole! 
 
 Squatol Johnes. 
 
 Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly 
 pursued pleasure that he has had the mis- 
 fortune to overtake it. 
 
 Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain 
 and whip of the slave-driver. 
 
 As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet 
 Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, 
 Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him. 
 Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; 
 So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, 
 Yet-feels the narrow limits that impound him, 
 Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it. 
 And finds at last he might as well have paid it. 
 
 Barlow S. Vode. 
 
 Decalogue, «. A series of commandments, 
 ten in number — just enough to permit an 
 intelligent selection for observance, but not 
 enough to embarrass the choice. Following 
 is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calc- 
 ulated for this meridian. 
 
 Thou shalt no God but me adore: 
 'Twere too expensive to have more. 
 
05 
 
 No images nor idols make 
 For Robert IngersoU to break. 
 
 Take not God's name in vain; select 
 A time when it will have effect. 
 
 Work not on Sabbath days at all, 
 But go to see the teams play ball. 
 
 Honor thy parents. That creates 
 For life insurance lower rates. 
 
 Kill not, abet not those who kill; 
 Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. 
 
 Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless 
 Thine own thy neighbor doth caress. 
 
 Don't steal ; thou'lt never thus compete 
 Successfully in business. Cheat. 
 
 Bear not false witness — that is low — 
 But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." 
 
 Covet thou naught that thou hast not 
 By hook or crook, or somehow, got 
 
 G.7. 
 
 DecIi;»E, v. i. To succumb to the preponder- 
 ance of one set of influences over another set. 
 
66 
 
 A leaf was riven from a tree, 
 "I mean to fall to earth," said he. 
 
 The west wind, rising, made him veer. 
 "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." 
 
 The east wind rose with greater force. 
 
 Said he : " 'Twere wise to change my course." 
 
 With equal power they contend. 
 He said: "My judgment I suspend." 
 
 Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, 
 Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." 
 
 "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; 
 Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. 
 
 Howe'ti- your choice may chance to fall, 
 You'll have no hand in it at all. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Defame, v. t. To lie about another. To tell 
 the truth about another. 
 
 Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack. 
 
 Degenerate, adj. Less conspicuously admir- 
 able than one's ancestors. The contempor- 
 aries of Homer were striking examples of 
 degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise 
 
67 
 
 a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of 
 the Trojan war could have raised with ease. 
 Homer never tires of sneering at "men who 
 live in these degenerate days," which is per- 
 haps why they suffered him to beg his 
 bread — a marked instance of returning good 
 for evil, by the way, for if they had for- 
 bidden him he would certainly have 
 starved. 
 
 Degradation, «. One of the stages of moral 
 and social progress from private station to 
 political preferment. 
 
 Deinotherium, n. An extinct pachyderm 
 that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in 
 fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, 
 its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or 
 Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it 
 may chance to have heard it spoken or seen 
 it printed. 
 
 Dejeuner, n. The breakfast of an American 
 who has been in Paris. Variously pro- 
 nounced. 
 
 Delegation, n. In American politics, an art- 
 icle of merchandise that comes in sets. 
 
68 
 
 Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's 
 bread to determine which side it is but- 
 tered on. 
 
 Deluge, n. A notable first experiment in 
 baptism which washed away the sins (and 
 sinners) of the world. 
 
 Delusion, n. The father of a most respect- 
 able family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affec- 
 tion, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and 
 many other goodly sons and daughters. 
 
 All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee 
 The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; 
 For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, 
 Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. 
 
 Mumfrey Mappel. 
 
 Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting 
 metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of 
 your pocket. 
 
 Dependent, adj. Reliant upon another's gen- 
 erosity for the support which you are not 
 in a position to exact from his fears. 
 
 Deputy, n. A male relative of an ofBce- 
 holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is 
 
commonly a beautiful young man, with a 
 red necktie and an intricate system of cob- 
 webs extending from his nose to his desk. 
 When accidentally struck by the janitor's 
 broom, he gives off a cloud of dust. 
 
 "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, 
 
 "To-day the books are to be tried 
 
 By experts and accountants who 
 
 Have been commissioned to go through 
 
 Our office here, to see if we 
 
 Have stolen injudiciously. 
 
 Please have the proper entries made. 
 
 The proper balances displayed, 
 
 Conforming to the whole amount 
 
 Of cash on hand — ^which they will count. 
 
 I've long admired your punctual way — 
 
 Here at the break and close of day. 
 
 Confronting in your chair the crowd 
 
 Of business men, whose voices loud 
 
 And gestures violent you quell 
 
 By some mysterious, calm spell — 
 
 Some magic lurking in your look 
 
 That brings the noisiest to book 
 
 And spreads a holy and profound 
 
 Tranquillity o'er all around. 
 
 So orderly all's done that they 
 
 Who came to draw remain to pay. 
 
 But now the time demands, at last. 
 
 That you employ your genius vast 
 
 In energies more active. Rise 
 
 And shake the lightnings from your eyes; 
 
70 
 
 Inspire your underlings, and fling 
 
 Your spirit into everything!" 
 
 The Master's hand here dealt a whack 
 
 Upon the Deputy's bent back, 
 
 When straightway to the floor there fell 
 
 A shrunken globe, a rattling shell, 
 
 A blackened, withered, eyeless head! 
 
 The man had been a twelvemonth dead. 
 
 Jamrach Holohom. 
 
 Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime 
 and a fool's excuse for failure. 
 
 Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of dis- 
 ease by the patient's pulse and purse. 
 
 Diaphragm, n. A muscular partition separ- 
 ating disorders of the chest from disorders 
 of the bowels. 
 
 Diary, n. A daily record of that part of one's 
 life, which he can relate to himself without 
 blushing. 
 
 Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ 
 
 All thg,t he had of wisdom and of wit. 
 
 So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died. 
 
 Erased all entries of his own and cried: 
 
 "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst : 
 
 "Thank you ; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"^ 
 
71 
 
 Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, 
 
 That record from a pocket in his shroud. 
 
 The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, 
 
 Each stupid line of which he knew before, 
 
 Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit 
 
 On shallow sentiment and stolen wit; 
 
 Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. 
 
 "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: 
 
 You'd never be content this side the tomb — 
 
 For big ideas Heaven has little room, 
 
 And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," 
 
 He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. 
 
 "The Mad Philosopher." 
 
 Dictator, n. The chief of a nation that pre- 
 fers the pestilence of despotism to the plague 
 of anarchy. 
 
 Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device 
 for cramping the growth of a language and 
 making it hard and inelastic. This dic- 
 tionary, however, is a most useful work. 
 
 Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom 
 hear the word, because there is a prohibit- 
 ory proverb, "Never say die." At long 
 intervals, however, some one says: "The 
 die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. 
 The word is found in an immortal couplet 
 
72 
 
 by that eminent poet and domestic econom- 
 ist, Senator Depew: 
 
 A cube of cheese no larger than a die 
 May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. 
 
 Digestion, n. The conversion of victuals into 
 virtues. When the process is imperfect, 
 vices are evolved instead — a circumstance 
 from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jere- 
 miah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the 
 greater sufferers from dyspepsia. 
 
 Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for 
 one's country. 
 
 Disabuse, v. t. To present your neighbor 
 with another and better error than the one 
 which ,he has deemed it advantageous to 
 embrace. 
 
 Discriminate, v. i. To note the particulars 
 in which one person or thing is, if possible, 
 more objectionable than another. 
 
 Discussion, n. A method of confirming 
 others in their errors. 
 
73 
 
 Disobedience, n. The silver lining to the 
 cloud of servitude. 
 
 Disobey, v. t. To celebrate with an appro- 
 priate ceremony the maturity of a com- 
 mand. 
 
 His right to govern me is clear as day, 
 My duty manifest to disobey; 
 And if that fit observance e'er I shut 
 May I and duty be alike undone. 
 
 Israfel Brown. 
 
 Dissemble, v. i. To put a clean shirt upon 
 the character. 
 
 Let us dissemble. — Adam. 
 
 Distance, n. The only thing that the rich 
 are willing for the poor to call theirs, and 
 keep. 
 
 Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure 
 to the prosperity of a friend. 
 
 Divination, n. The art of nosing out the 
 occult. Divination is of as many kinds as 
 there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flow- 
 ering dunce and the early fool. 
 
74 
 
 Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary 
 Deity designed to catch the overflow and 
 surplus of the world's worship. This Div- 
 ine Being in some of his smaller and silkier 
 incarnations takes, in the affection of 
 Woman, the place to which there is no 
 human male aspirant. The Dog is a sur- 
 vival — an anachronism. He toils not, 
 neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his 
 glory never lay upon a door-mat all day 
 long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while 
 his master worked for the means wherewith 
 to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic 
 tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recog- 
 nition. 
 
 Dragoon, n. A soldier who combines dash 
 and steadiness in so equal measure that he 
 makes his advances on foot and his retreats 
 on horseback. 
 
 Dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from 
 the French. 
 
 Druids, n. Priests and ministers of an 
 ancient Celtic religion which did not dis- 
 dain to employ the humble allurement of 
 human sacrifice. Very little is now known 
 
75 
 
 about the Druids and their faith. Pliny 
 says their religion, originating in Britain, 
 spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar 
 says those who desired to study its mys- 
 teries went to Britain. Caesar himself went 
 to Britain, but does not appear to have ob- 
 tained any high preferment in the Druid- 
 ical Church, although his talent for human 
 sacrifice was considerable. 
 
 Druids performed their religious rites in 
 groves, and knew nothing of church mort- 
 gages and the season-ticket system of pew 
 rents. They were, in short, heathens and — 
 as they were once complacently catalogued 
 by a distinguished prelate of the Church of 
 England — Dissenters. 
 
 Duck-bill, n. Your account at your re- 
 staurant during the canvas-back season. 
 
 Duel, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to 
 the reconciliation of two enemies. Great 
 skill is necessary to its satisfactory observ- 
 ance; if awkwardly performed the most 
 unexpected and deplorable consequences 
 sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man 
 lost his life in a duel. 
 
76 
 
 That dueling's a gentlemanly vice 
 
 I hold; and wish that it had been my lot 
 To live my life out in some favored spot — 
 
 Some country where it is considered nice 
 
 To split a rival like a fish, or slice 
 A husband like a spud, or with a shot 
 Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot 
 
 And ready to be put upon the ice. 
 
 Some miscreants there are, whom I do long 
 To shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim 
 
 The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, 
 
 I seem to see them now — a mighty throng. 
 It looks as if to challenge me they came. 
 
 Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! 
 
 Xamha Q. Dar. 
 
 Dullard, n. A member of the reigning 
 dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards 
 came in with Adam, and being both numer- 
 ous and sturdy have overrun the habitable 
 world. The secret of their power is their 
 insensibility to blows; tickle them with a 
 bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. 
 The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, 
 whence they were driven by stress of starv- 
 ation, their dulness having blighted the 
 crops. For some centuries they infested 
 Philistia, and many of them are called 
 Philistines to this day. In the turbulent 
 times of the Crusades they withdrew thence 
 
77 
 
 and gradually overspread all Europe, occu- . 
 pying most of the high places in politics, 
 art, literature, science and theology. Since 
 a detachment of Dullards came over with 
 the Pilgrims in the Mayflower and made a 
 favorable report of the country, their in- 
 crease by birth, immigration, and convers- 
 ion has been rapid and steady. According 
 to the most trustworthy statistics the number 
 of adult Dullards in the United States is 
 but little short of thirty millions, including 
 the statisticians. The intellectual centre of 
 the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, 
 but the New England Dullard is the most 
 shockingly moral. 
 
 Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in 
 the direction of profit, along the line of 
 desire. 
 
 Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, 
 Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. 
 His anger provoked him to take the king's head. 
 But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, 
 Instead. 
 
 G. J. 
 
78 
 
 E 
 
 Eat, v. i. To perform successively (and suc- 
 cessfully) the functions of mastication, 
 humectation, and deglutition. 
 
 "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying 
 my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning 
 an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Roche- 
 briant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" 
 "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," ex- 
 plained the great gastronome, "that I did 
 not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoy- 
 ing it. I had dined an hour before." 
 
 Eavesdrop, v. i. Secretly to overhear a cata- 
 logue of the crimes and vices of another or 
 yourself. 
 
 A lady with one of her ears applied 
 To an open keyhole heard, inside, 
 Two female gossips in converse free — 
 The subject engaging them was she. 
 "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks 
 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 
 As soon as no more of it she could hear 
 The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 
 "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, 
 "To hear my character lied about!" 
 
 Gopete Sherany. 
 
79 
 
 Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction 
 so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate 
 their incapacity. 
 
 Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whis- 
 key that you do not need for the price of the 
 cow that you cannot afford. 
 
 Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to 
 digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a 
 snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and 
 a man to a worm. 
 
 Editor, n. A person who combines the judic- 
 ial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus 
 and iEacus, but is placable with an obolus ; 
 a severely virtuous censor, but so charit- 
 able withal that he tolerates the virtues of 
 others and the vices of himself; who flings 
 about him the splintering lightning and 
 sturdy thunders of admonition till he re- 
 sembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly 
 uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then 
 straightway murmurs a mild, melodious 
 lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning 
 its prayer to the evening star. Master of 
 mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled 
 upon the throne of thought, his face suf- 
 
80 
 
 fused with the dim splendors of the Trans- 
 figuration, his legs intertwisted and his 
 tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will 
 along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to 
 suit. And at intervals from behind the veil 
 of the temple is heard the voice of the fore- 
 man demanding three inches of wit and six 
 lines of religious meditation, or bidding him 
 turn off the wisdom and whack up some 
 pathos. 
 
 O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, 
 
 A gilded impostor is he. 
 Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, 
 His crown is brass. 
 Himself is an ass, 
 And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. 
 Prankily, crankily prating of naught. 
 Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. 
 Public opinion's camp-follower he. 
 Thundering, blundering, plundering free. 
 Affected, 
 
 Ungracious, 
 Suspected, 
 
 Mendacious, 
 Respected contemporaree ! 
 
 /. H. Bumbleshook. 
 
 Education, n. That which discloses to the 
 
81 
 
 wise and disguises from the foolish their 
 lack of understanding. 
 
 Effect, b. The second of two phenomena 
 which always occur together in the same 
 order. The first, called a Cause, is said to 
 generate the other — ^which is no more sens- 
 ible than it would be for one who has never 
 seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to 
 declare the rabbit the cause of the dog. 
 
 Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more in- 
 terested in himself than in me. 
 
 Megaceph, chosen to serve the State 
 
 In the halls of legislative debate, 
 
 One day with all his credentials came 
 
 To the Capitol's door and announced his name. 
 
 The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist 
 
 Of the face, at the eminent egotist. 
 
 And said : "Go away, for we settle here 
 
 All manner of questions, knotty and queer, 
 
 And we cannot have, when the speaker demands 
 
 To be told how every member stands, 
 
 A man who to all things under the sky 
 
 Assents by eternally voting 'I'." 
 
 Ejection, n. An approved remedy for the 
 disease of garrulity. It is also much used 
 in cases of extreme poverty. 
 
82 
 
 Elector, n. One who enjoys the sacred priv- 
 ilege of voting for the man of another man's 
 choice. 
 
 Electricity, «. The power that causes all 
 natural phenomena not known to be caused 
 by something else. It is the same thing as 
 lightning, and its famous attempt to strike 
 Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque 
 incidents in that great and good man's 
 career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is 
 justly held in great reverence, particularly 
 in France, where a waxen effigy of him was 
 recently on exhibition, bearing the follow- 
 ing touching account of his life and services 
 to science: 
 
 "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This 
 illustrious savant, after having made several voyages 
 around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and 
 was devoured by savages, of whom not a single frag- 
 ment was ever recovered." 
 
 Electricity seems destined to play a most 
 important part in the arts and industries. 
 The question of its economical application 
 to some purposes is still unsettled, but ex- 
 periment has already proved that it will 
 propel a street car better than a gas jet and 
 give more light than a horse. 
 
83 
 
 Elegy, n. A composition in verse, in which, 
 without employing any of the methods of 
 humor, the writer aims to produce in the 
 reader's mind the dampest kind of dejec- 
 tion. The most famous English example 
 begins somewhat like this: 
 
 The cur foretells the knell of parting day; 
 
 The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; 
 The wise man homeward plods; I only stay 
 
 To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. 
 
 Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading 
 fools that white is the color that it appears 
 to be. It includes the gift of making any 
 color appear white. 
 
 Elysium, n. An imaginary delightful coun- 
 try which the ancients foolishly believed to 
 be inhabited by the spirits of the good. 
 This ridiculous and mischievous fable was 
 swept oflf the face of the earth by the early 
 Christians — may their souls be happy in 
 Heaven ! 
 
 Emancipation, n. A bondman's change 
 from the tyranny of another to the despot- 
 ism of himself. 
 
84j 
 
 He was a slave: at word he went and came; 
 
 His iron collar cut him to the bone. 
 Then Liberty erased his owner's name, 
 
 Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Embalm, v. t. To cheat vegetation by lock- 
 ing up the gases upon which it feeds. By 
 embalming their dead and thereby derang- 
 ing the natural balance between animal and 
 vegetable life, the Egyptians made their 
 once fertile and populous country barren 
 and incapable of supporting more than a 
 meagre crew. The modern metallic burial 
 casket is a step in the same direction, and 
 many a dead man who ought now to be 
 ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, 
 or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, 
 is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get 
 him after awhile if we are spared, but in 
 the meantime the violet and rose are lang- 
 uishing for a nibble at his glutceus max- 
 imus. 
 
 Emotion, «. A prostrating disease caused 
 by a determination of the heart to the head. 
 It is sometimes accompanied by a copious 
 discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium 
 from the eyes. 
 
85 
 
 Encomiast, n. A special (but not partic- 
 ular) kind of liar. 
 
 End, n. The position farthest removed on 
 either hand from the Interlocutor, 
 
 The man was perishing apace 
 
 Who played the tambourine: 
 The seal of death was on his face — 
 
 Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. 
 
 "This is the end," the sick man said 
 
 In faint and failing tones. 
 A moment later he was dead, 
 
 And Tambourine was Bones. 
 
 Tinley Roquot. 
 
 Enough, pro. All there is in the world if 
 you like it. 
 
 Enough is as good as a feast — for that matter 
 Enougher's as good as a feast and the platter. 
 
 Arbely C. Strunk. 
 
 Entertainment, n. Any kind of amuse- 
 ment whose inroads stop short of death by 
 dejection. 
 
 Enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, cur- 
 able by small doses of repentance in connec- 
 
86 
 
 tion with outward applications of experi- 
 ence. Byron, who recovered long enough 
 to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse 
 which carried him off — to Missolonghi. 
 
 Envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the 
 scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; 
 the bed-gown of a love-letter. 
 
 Envy, «. Emulation adapted to the meanest 
 capacity. 
 
 Epaulet, n. An ornamented badge, serving 
 to distinguish a military officer from the 
 enemy — that is to say, from the officer of 
 lower rank to whom his death would give 
 promotion. 
 
 Epicure, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an 
 abstemious philosopher who, holding that 
 pleasure should be the chief aim of man, 
 wasted no time in gratification of the senses. 
 
 Epigram, n. A short, sharp saying in prose 
 or verse, frequently characterized by acidity 
 or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Fol- 
 
 • lowing are some of the more notable epi- 
 
87 
 
 grams of the learned and ingenious Dr. 
 Jamrach Holobom: 
 
 We know better the needs of ourselves than of 
 others. To serve oneself is economy of administration. 
 
 In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a 
 nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their 
 unequal activity. 
 
 There are three sexes; males, females and girls. 
 
 Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in 
 this: they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. 
 
 Women in love are less ashamed than men. They 
 have less to be ashamed of. 
 
 While your friend holds you affectionately by both 
 your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his. 
 
 Epitaph, «. An inscription on a tomb, show- 
 ing that virtues acquired by death have a 
 retroactive effect. Following is a touching 
 example : 
 
 Here lie the bones of Parson Piatt, 
 Wise, pious, humble and all that. 
 Who showed us life as all should live it; 
 Let that be said — and God forgive it! 
 
88 
 
 Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book 
 into an empty skull. 
 
 So wide his erudition's mighty span, 
 
 He knew Creation's origin and plan 
 
 And only came by accident to griefs 
 
 He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. 
 
 Romach Pute. 
 
 Esoteric, adj. Very particularly abstruse and 
 consummately occult. The ancient philo- 
 sophies were of two kinds, — exoteric, those 
 that the philosophers themselves could 
 partly understand, and esoteric, those that 
 nobody could understand. It is the latter 
 that have most profoundly affected modern 
 thought and found greatest acceptance in 
 our time. 
 
 Ethnology, n. The science that treats of the 
 various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, 
 swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and 
 ethnologists. 
 
 Eucharist, n. A sacred feast of the religious 
 sect of Theophagi. 
 
 A dispute once unhappily arose among 
 the members of this sect as to what it was 
 
89 
 
 that they ate. In this controversy some five 
 hundred thousand have already been slain, 
 and the question is still unsettled. 
 
 Eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either 
 the advantages of wealth and power, or the 
 consideration to be dead. 
 
 Evangelist, n. A bearer of good tidings, 
 particularly (in a religious sense) such as 
 assure us of our own salvation and the dam- 
 nation of our neighbors. 
 
 Everlasting, adj. Lasting forever. It is 
 with no small diffidence that I venture to 
 offer this brief and elementary definition, 
 for I am not unaware of the existence of a 
 bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of 
 Worcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of 
 the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the 
 Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. 
 His book was once esteemed of great au- 
 thority in the Anglican Church, and is still, 
 I understand, studied with pleasure to the 
 mind and profit to the soul. 
 
 Exception, n. A thing which takes the lib- 
 erty to differ from other things of its class, 
 
90 
 
 as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. 
 "The exception proves the rule" is an ex- 
 pression constantly upon the lips of the ig- 
 norant, who parrot it from one another with 
 never a thought of its absurdity. In the 
 Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means 
 that the exception tests the rule, puts it to 
 the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor 
 who drew the meaning from this excellent 
 dictum and substituted a contrary one of 
 his own exerted an evil power which ap- 
 pears to be immortal. 
 
 Excess, n. In morals, an indulgence that en- 
 forces by appropriate penalties the law of 
 moderation. 
 
 Hail, high Excess — especially in wine. 
 To thee in worship do I bend the knee 
 Who preach abstemiousness unto me — 
 
 My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. 
 
 Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, 
 Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree 
 With reason as thy touch, exact and free, 
 
 Upon my forehead and along my spine. 
 
 At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup. 
 With the hot grape I warm no more my wit ; 
 When on thy stool of penitence I sit 
 
 I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. 
 
 Ungrateful he who afterward would falter 
 
 To make new sacrifices at thine altar! 
 
91 
 
 Excommunication, n. 
 
 This "excommunication" is a word 
 
 In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, 
 
 And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, 
 
 Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal — 
 
 A rite permitting Satan to enslave him 
 
 Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. 
 
 Gat Huckle. 
 
 Executive, n. An officer of the Government, 
 whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the 
 legislative power until such time as the ju- 
 dicial department shall be pleased to pro- 
 nounce them invalid and of no efifect. Fol- 
 lowing is an extract from an old book en- 
 titled. The Lunarian Astonished — Pfeiflfer 
 & Co., Boston, 1803: 
 
 Lunarian: Then when your Congress has 
 passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme Court in 
 order that it may at once be known whether it is con- 
 stitutional ? 
 
 Terrestrian: O no; it does not require the 
 approval of the Supreme Court until having perhaps 
 been enforced for many years somebody objects to its 
 operation against himself — I mean his client. The 
 President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at 
 once. 
 
 Lunarian: Ah, the executive power is a part of 
 
92 
 
 the legislative. Do your policemen also have to ap- 
 prove the local ordinances that they enforce? 
 
 Terrestrian : Not yet — at least not in their 
 character of constables. Generally speaking, though, all 
 laws require the approval of those whom they are 
 intended to restrain. 
 
 Lunarian: I see. The death warrant is not 
 valid until signed by the murderer. 
 
 Terrestrian: My friend, you put it too strongly; 
 we are not so consistent. 
 
 Lunarian: But this system of maintaining an 
 expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity 
 of laws only after they have long been executed, and 
 then only when brought before the court by some 
 private person — does it not cause great confusion? 
 
 Terrestrian: It does. 
 
 Lunarian: Why then should not your laws, 
 previously to being executed, be validated, not by the 
 signature of your President, but by that of the Chief 
 Justice of the Supreme Court? 
 
 Terrestrian: There is no precedent for any 
 such course. 
 
 Lunarian : Precedent. What is that ? 
 
 Terrestrian: It has been defined by five hun- 
 dred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any 
 one know? 
 
 Exhort, v. t. In religious affairs, to put the- 
 conscience of another upon the spit and 
 roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. 
 
93 
 
 Exile, n. One who serves his country by re- 
 siding abroad, yet is not an ambassador. 
 
 An English sea-captain being asked if he 
 had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: 
 "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." 
 Years afterwards, when he had been hanged 
 as a pirate after a career of unparalleled 
 atrocities, the following memorandum was 
 found in the ship's log that he had kept at 
 the time of his reply: 
 
 Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. 
 Coldly received. War with the whole world ! 
 
 Existence, n. 
 
 A transient, horrible, fantastic dream. 
 Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: 
 From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge 
 Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" 
 
 Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us 
 to recognize as an undesirable old acquaint- 
 ance the folly that we have already em- 
 braced. 
 
 To one who, journeying through night and fog, 
 Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, 
 Experience, like the rising of the dawn, 
 Reveals the path that he should not have gone. 
 
 Joel Frad Bink, 
 
94 
 
 Expostulation, n. One of the many methods 
 by which fools prefer to lose their friends. 
 
 Extinction, n. The raw material out of 
 which theology created the future state. 
 
 Fairy, n. A creature, variously fashioned 
 and endowed, that formerly inhabited the 
 meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in 
 its habits, and somewhat addicted to danc- 
 ing and the theft of children. The fairies 
 are now believed by naturalists to be ex- 
 tinct, though a clergyman of the Church of 
 England saw three near Colchester as lately 
 as 1855, while passing through a park after 
 dining with the lord of the manor. The 
 sight greatly staggered him, and he was so 
 affected that his account of it was inco- 
 herent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies 
 visited a wood near Aix and carried off 
 the daughter of a peasant, who had been 
 seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. 
 The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared 
 about the same time, but afterward re- 
 turned. He had seen the abduction and 
 
95 
 
 been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian 
 Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, 
 avers that so great is the fairies' power of 
 transformation that he saw one change itself 
 into two opposing armies and fight a battle 
 with great slaughter, and that the next day, 
 after it had resumed its original shape and 
 gone away, there were seven hundred bodies 
 of the slain which the villagers had to bury. 
 He does not say if any of the wounded re- 
 covered. In the time of Henry IH, of Eng- 
 land, a law was made which prescribed 
 the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wownd- 
 ynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and it was 
 universally respected. 
 
 Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what 
 is told by one who speaks without know- 
 ledge, of things without parallel. 
 
 Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. 
 
 Done to a turn on the iron, behold 
 
 Him who to be famous aspired. 
 Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold. 
 
 And his twistings are greatly admired. 
 
 Hassan Brubuddy. 
 
96 
 
 Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridic- 
 ule and obey. 
 
 A king there was who lost an eye 
 
 In some excess of passion; 
 And straight his courtiers all did try 
 
 To follow the new fashion. 
 
 Each dropped one eyelid when before 
 
 The throne he ventured, thinking 
 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore 
 
 He'd slay them all for winking. 
 
 What should they do? They were not hot 
 
 To hazard such disaster; 
 They dared not close an eye — dared not 
 
 See better than their master. 
 
 Seeing them lacrymose and glum, 
 
 A leech consoled the weepers : 
 He spread small rags with liquid gum 
 
 And covered half their peepers. 
 
 The court all wore the stuff, the flame 
 
 Of royal anger dying. 
 That's how court-plaster got its name 
 
 Unless I'm greatly lying. 
 
 Naramy Oof. 
 
 Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebra- 
 tion usually signalized by gluttony and 
 drunkenness, frequently in honor of some 
 
97 
 
 holy person distinguished for abstemious- 
 ness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts 
 are "movable" and "immovable," but the 
 celebrants are uniformly immovable until 
 they are full. In their earliest development 
 these entertainments took the form of feasts 
 for the dead ; such were held by the Greeks, 
 under the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs 
 and Peruvians, as in modern times they are 
 popular with the Chinese ; though it is be- 
 lieved that the ancient dead, like the 
 modern, were light eaters. Among the 
 many feasts of the Romans was the Novem- 
 diale, which was held, according to Livy, 
 whenever stones fell from heaven. 
 
 Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than 
 discretion, who in embracing an opportun- 
 ity has formed an unfortunate attachment. 
 
 Female, m. One of the opposing, or unfair, 
 sex. 
 
 The Maker, at Creation's birth, 
 
 With living things had stocked the earth. 
 
 From elephants to bats and snails. 
 
 They all were good, for all were males. 
 
 But when the Devil came and saw 
 
 He said: "By Thine eternal law 
 
98 
 
 Of growth, maturity, decay, 
 These aM must quickly pass away 
 And leave untenanted the earth 
 Unless Thou dost establish birth" — 
 Then tucked his head beneath his wing 
 To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing 
 With deviltry did so accord. 
 That he'd suggested to the Lord. 
 The Master pondered this advice, 
 Then shook and threw the fateful dice 
 Wherewith all matters here below 
 Are ordered, and observed the throw; 
 Then bent His head in awful state. 
 Confirming the decree of Fate. 
 From every part of earth anew 
 The conscious dust consenting flew, 
 While rivers from their courses rolled 
 To make it plastic for the mould. 
 Enough collected (but no more, 
 For niggard Nature hoards her store) 
 He kneaded it to flexile clay, 
 While Nick unseen threw some away. 
 And then the various forms He cast, 
 Gross organs first and finer last; 
 No one at once evolved, but all 
 By even touches grew and small 
 Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade. 
 To match all living things He'd made 
 Females, complete in all their parts 
 Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. 
 "No matter," Satan cried ; "with speed 
 I'll fetch the verv hearts they need" — 
 
99 
 
 So flew away and soon brought back 
 
 The number needed, in a sack. 
 
 That night earth rang with sounds of strife-^ 
 
 Ten million males had each a wife; 
 
 That night sweet Peace her pinions spread 
 
 O'er Hell — ten million devils dead! 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Fib, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An 
 habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: 
 the perigee of his eccentric orbit. 
 
 When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, 
 
 Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. 
 
 Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief 
 By proof that even himself was not a slave 
 To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave 
 
 Had been of all her servitors the chief 
 
 Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf 
 Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. 
 No, David served not Naked 'Iruth when he 
 
 Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; 
 Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: 
 For reason shows that it could never be, 
 
 And the facts contradict him to his face. 
 Men are not liars all, for some are dead. 
 
 Bartle Quinker. 
 
 Fickleness, n. The iterated satiety of aa en- 
 terprising affection. 
 
100 
 
 Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human 
 ears by friction of a horse's tail on the en- 
 trails of a cat. 
 
 To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn 
 I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." 
 To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, 
 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." 
 
 Orm Pludge, 
 
 Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who 
 are about to be betrayed. 
 
 Finance, «. The art or science of managing 
 revenues and resources for the best advant- 
 age of the manager. The pronunciation of 
 this word with the i long and the accent on 
 the first syllable is one of America's most 
 precious discoveries and possessions. 
 
 Flag, n. A colored rag borne above troops 
 and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears 
 to serve the same purpose as certain signs 
 that one sees on vacant lots in London — 
 "Rubbish may be shot here." 
 
 Flesh, «. The Second Person of the secular 
 Trinity. 
 
101 
 
 Flop, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions 
 and go over to another party. The most 
 notable flop on record was that of Saul of 
 Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as 
 a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. 
 
 Fly-Speck, n. The prototype of punctuation. 
 It is observed by Garvinus that the systems 
 of punctuation in use by the various literary 
 nations depended originally upon the social 
 habits and general diet of the flies infesting 
 the several countries. These creatures, which 
 have always been distinguished for a neigh- 
 borly and companionable familiarity with 
 authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the 
 manuscripts in process of growth under the 
 pen, according to their bodily habit, bring- 
 ing out the sense of the work by a species 
 of interpretation superior to, and independ- 
 ent of, the writer's powers. The "old 
 masters" of literature — that is to say, the 
 early writers whose work is so esteemed by 
 later scribes and critics in the same lang- 
 uage — never punctuated at all, but worked 
 right along free-handed, without that ab- 
 ruption of the thought which comes from 
 the use of points. (We observe the same 
 thing in children to-day, whose usage in this 
 
102 
 
 particular is a striking and beautiful in- 
 stance of the law that the infancy of indiv- 
 iduals reproduces the methods and stages 
 of development characterizing the infancy 
 of races.) In the work of these primitive 
 scribes all the punctuation is found, by the 
 modern investigator with his optical instru- 
 ments and chemical tests, to have been in- 
 serted by the writers' ingenious and service- 
 able collaborator, the common house-fly — 
 Musca maledicta. In transcribing these 
 ancient MSS, for the purpose of either mak- 
 ing the work their own or preserving what 
 they naturally regard as divine revelations, 
 later writers reverently and accurately copy 
 whatever marks they find upon the papyrus 
 or parchment, to the unspeakable enhance- 
 ment of the lucidity of the thought and 
 value of the work. Writers contemporary 
 with the copyists naturally avail themselves 
 of the obvious advantages of these marks in 
 their own work, and with such assistance as 
 the flies of their own household may be 
 willing to grant, frequently rival and some- 
 times surpass the older compositions, in re- 
 spect at least of punctuation, which is no 
 small glory. Fully to understand the im- 
 portant services that flies perform to literal- 
 
103 
 
 ure it is only necessary to lay a page of 
 some popular novelist alongside a saucer 
 of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and 
 observe "how the wit brightens and the style 
 refines" in accurate proportion to the dura- 
 tion of exposure. 
 
 Folly, n. That "gift and faculty divine" 
 whose creative and controlling energy in- 
 spires Man's mind, guides his actions and 
 adorns his life. 
 
 Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once 
 In a thick volume, and all authors known, 
 If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, 
 Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts 
 Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, 
 To mend their lives and to sustain his own, 
 However feebly be his arrows thrown, 
 
 Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. 
 
 All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise. 
 
 With lusty lung, here on this western strand 
 With all thine oflFspring thronged from every land, 
 
 Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. 
 
 And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, 
 
 Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. 
 
 Aratnis Loto Frope. 
 
 Fool, «. A person who pervades the domain 
 of intellectual speculation and dififuses him- 
 
104 
 
 self through the channels of moral activity. 
 He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, 
 omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who in- 
 vented letters, printing, the railroad, the 
 steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and 
 the circle of the sciences. He created pa- 
 triotism and taught the nations war — 
 founded theology, philosophy, law, medi- 
 cine and Chicago. He established mon- 
 archical and republican government. He is 
 from everlasting to everlasting — such as 
 creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In 
 the morning of time he sang upon primitive 
 hills, and in the noonday of existence headed 
 the procession of being. His grand- 
 motherly hand has warmly tucked-in the 
 set sun of civilization, and in the twilight 
 he prepares Man's evening meal of milk- 
 and-morality and turns down the covers of 
 the universal grave. And after the rest of 
 us shall have retired for the night of eternal 
 oblivion he will sit up to write a history of 
 human civilization. 
 
 Force, n. 
 
 "Force is but might," the teacher said — 
 
 "That definition's just." 
 The boy said naught but thought instead, 
 
105 
 
 Remembering his pounded head: 
 "Force is not might but must!" 
 
 Forefinger, «. The finger commonly used 
 in pointing out two malefactors. 
 
 FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy 
 word to define, but when I consider that 
 pious and learned theologians have spent 
 long lives in explaining it, and written li- 
 braries to explain their explanations ; when 
 I remember that nations have been divided 
 and bloody battles caused by the difference 
 between foreordination and predestination, 
 and that millions of treasure have been ex- 
 pended in the effort to prove and disprove 
 its compatibility with freedom of the will 
 and the eflicacy of prayer, praise, and a re- 
 ligious life, — recalling these awful facts in 
 the history of the word, I stand appalled 
 before the mighty problem of its significa- 
 tion, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to con- 
 template its portentous magnitude, rever- 
 ently uncover and humbly refer it to His 
 Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace 
 Bishop Potter. 
 
 FORGETFULNESS, «. A gift of God bestowed 
 
106 
 
 upon debtors in compensation for their des- 
 titution of conscience. 
 
 Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the 
 purpose of putting dead animals into the 
 mouth. Formerly the knife was employed 
 for this purpose, and by many worthy per- 
 sons is still thought to have many advant- 
 ages over the other tool, which, however, 
 they do not altogether reject, but use to as- 
 sist in charging the knife. The immunity 
 of these persons from swift and awful death 
 is one of the most striking proofs of God's 
 mercy to those that hate Him. 
 
 Forma Pauperis (Latin). In the character 
 of a poor person — a method by which a 
 litigant without money for lawyers is con- 
 siderately permitted to lose his case. 
 
 When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court 
 (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) 
 
 Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, 
 He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. 
 
 "You sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried; 
 
 "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." 
 So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: 
 
 He went away — as he had come — nonsuited. 
 
 G.J. 
 
107 
 
 Frankalmoigne, n. The tenure by which a 
 religious corporation holds lands on condi- 
 tion of praying for the soul of the donor. 
 In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest 
 fraternities obtained their estates in this 
 simple and cheap manner, and once when 
 Henry VIII of England sent an officer to 
 confiscate certain vast possessions which a 
 fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, 
 "What!' said the Prior, "would your master 
 stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" 
 "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will 
 not pray him thence for naught he must e'en 
 roast." "But look you, my son," persisted 
 the good man, "this act hath rank as robb- 
 ery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my 
 master the king doth but deliver Him from 
 the manifold temptations of too great 
 wealth." 
 
 Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way 
 of business, whose annexations lack the 
 sanctifying merit of magnitude. 
 
 Freedom, n. Exemption from the stress of 
 authority in a beggarly half dozen of re- 
 straint's infinite multitude of methods. A 
 political condition that every nation sup- 
 
108 
 
 poses itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. 
 Liberty. The distinction between freedom 
 and liberty is not accurately known ; natur- 
 alists have never been able to find a living 
 specimen of either. 
 
 Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, 
 Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; 
 On every w^ind, indeed, that blows 
 I hear her yell. 
 
 She screams whenever monarchs meet. 
 
 And parliaments as well, 
 To bind the chains about her feet 
 And toll her knell. 
 
 And when the sovereign people cast 
 
 The votes they cannot spell, 
 Upon the pestilential blast 
 Her clamors swell. 
 
 For all to whom the power's given 
 
 To sway or to compel, 
 Among themselves apportion Heaven 
 And give her Hell. 
 
 Blary O'Gary. 
 
 Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, 
 grotesque ceremonies and fantastic cos- 
 tumes, which, originating in the reign of 
 Charles II, among working artisans of Lon- 
 
109 
 
 don, has been joined successively by the 
 dead of past centuries in unbroken retro- 
 gression until now it embraces all the gen- 
 erations of man on the hither side of Adam 
 and is drumming up distinguished recruits 
 among the pre-Creational inhabitants of 
 Chaos and the Formless Void. The order 
 was founded at different times by Charle- 
 magne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, 
 Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and 
 Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have 
 been found in the Catacombs of Paris and 
 Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and 
 the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples 
 of Karnak and Palmyra and in the 
 Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Free- 
 mason. 
 
 Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. 
 Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance 
 of truth and common sense. 
 
 Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry 
 two in fair weather, but only one in foul. 
 
 The sea was calm and the sky was blue; 
 Merrily, merrily sailed we two. 
 
 (High barometer maketh glad.) 
 On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, 
 
110 
 
 The tempest descended and we fell out. 
 (O the walking is nasty bad!) 
 
 Armit Huff Settle. 
 
 Frog, «. A reptile with edible legs. The 
 first mention of frogs in profane literature 
 is in Homer's narrative of the war between 
 them and the mice. Skeptical persons have 
 doubted Homer's authorship of the work, 
 but the learned, ingenious and industrious 
 Dr. Schliemann has set the question forever 
 at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain 
 frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion 
 by which Pharaoh was besought to favor 
 the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but 
 Pharaoh, who liked them fricasees, re- 
 marked, with truly oriental stoicism, that 
 he could stand it as long as the frogs and 
 the Jews could; so the programme was 
 changed. The frog is a diligent songster, 
 having a good voice but no ear. The 
 libretto of his favorite opera, as written by 
 Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective 
 — "brekekex-koax" ; the music is apparently 
 by that eminent composer, Richard Wag- 
 ner. Horses have a frog in each hoof — a 
 thoughtful provision of nature, enabling 
 them to shine in a hurdle race. 
 
Ill 
 
 Frying-Pan, n. One part of the penal ap- 
 paratus employed in that punitive institu- 
 tion, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan 
 was invented by Calvin, and by him used 
 in cooking span-long infants that had died 
 without baptism; and observing one day the 
 horrible torment of a tramp who had in- 
 cautiously pulled a fried babe from the 
 waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred 
 to the great divine to rob death of its terrors 
 by introducing the frying-pan into every 
 household in Geneva. Thence it spread to 
 all corners of the world, and has been of 
 invaluable assistance in the propagation of 
 his sombre faith. The following lines (said 
 to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop 
 Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness 
 of this utensil is not limited to this world; 
 but as the consequences of its employment 
 in this life reach over into the life to come, 
 so also itself may be found on the other side, 
 rewarding its devotees: 
 
 Old Nick was summoned to the skies. 
 
 Said Peter: "Your intentions 
 Are good, but you lack enterprise 
 
 Concerning new inventions. 
 
112 
 
 "Now, broiling is an ancient plan 
 
 Of torment, but I hear it 
 Reported that the frying-pan 
 
 Sears best the wicked spirit. 
 
 "Go get one — fill it up with fat — 
 Fry sinners brown and good in't.'' 
 
 "I know a trick worth two o' that," 
 Said Nick— "I'll cook their food in't." 
 
 Funeral, «. A pageant whereby we attest 
 our respect for the dead by enriching the 
 undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an 
 expenditure that deepens our groans and 
 doubles our tears. 
 
 The savage dies — they sacrifice a horse 
 To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. 
 Our friends expire — we make the money fly 
 In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. 
 
 Jex Wopley. 
 
 Future, n. That period of time in which our 
 afifairs prosper, our friends are true and 
 our happiness is assured. 
 
 G 
 
 Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of 
 miracle plays, in which the leading actor 
 
113 
 
 is translated to heaven. In this country the 
 gallows is chiefly remarkable for the num- 
 ber of persons who escape it. 
 
 Whether on the gallows high 
 
 Or where blood flows the reddest, 
 
 The noblest place for man to die — 
 Is where he died the deadest. 
 
 Old Play. 
 
 Gargoyle, n. A rain-spout projecting from 
 the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly 
 fashioned into a grotesque caricature of 
 some personal enemy of the architect or 
 owner of the building. This was especially 
 the case in churches and ecclesiastical struct- 
 ures generally, in which the gargoyles pre- 
 sented a perfect rogues' gallery of local 
 heretics and controversialists. Sometimes 
 when a new dean and chapter were installed 
 the old gargoyles were removed and others 
 substituted having a closer relation to the 
 • private animosities of the new incumbents. 
 
 Garter, «. An elastic band intended to keep 
 a woman from coming out of her stockings 
 and desolating the country. 
 
 Generous, adj. Originally this word meant 
 
114 
 
 noble by birth and was rightly applied to 
 a great multitude of persons. It now means 
 noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. 
 
 Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent 
 from an ancestor who did not particularly 
 care to trace his own. 
 
 Genteel, adj. Refined, after the fashion of 
 a gent. 
 
 Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: 
 A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. 
 Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, 
 For dictionary makers are generally gents. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Geographer, n. A chap who can tell you 
 offhand the difference between the outside 
 of the world and the inside. 
 
 Habeam, geographer of wide renown, 
 Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town. 
 In passing thence along the river Zam 
 To the adjacent village pf Xelam, 
 Bewildered by the multitude of roads, 
 Got lost, lived long on migratory toads. 
 Then from exposure miserably died, 
 And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. 
 
 Henry Haukhorrt, 
 
115 
 
 Geology, n. The science of the earth's crust 
 — to which, doubtless, will be added that 
 of its interior whenever a man shall come 
 up garrulous out of a well. The geological 
 formations of the globe already noted are 
 catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower 
 one, consists of rocks, bones of mired mules, 
 gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues 
 minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and an- 
 cestors. The Secondary is largely made up 
 of red worms and moles. The Tertiary 
 comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, 
 grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, to- 
 mato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, an- 
 archists, snap-dogs and fools. 
 
 Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of 
 an inward fear. 
 
 He saw a ghost. 
 It occupied — that dismal thing! — 
 The path that he was following. 
 Before he'd time to stop and fly, 
 An earthquake trifled with the eye 
 
 That saw a ghost. 
 He fell as fall the early good; 
 Unmoved that awful vision stood. 
 The stars that danced before his ken 
 He wildly brushed away, and then 
 
 He saw a post. Jared Macphesier. 
 
116 
 
 Accounting for the uncommon behavior 
 of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody's in- 
 genious theory to the effect that they are as 
 much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, 
 if I may judge from such tables of com- 
 parative speed as I am able to compile from 
 memories of my own experience. 
 
 There is one insuperable obstacle to a 
 belief in ghosts. A ghost never comes 
 naked : he appears either in a winding-sheet 
 or "in his habit as he lived." To believe 
 in him, then, is to believe that not only have 
 the dead the power to make themselves vis- 
 ible after there is nothing left of them, but 
 that the same power inheres in textile 
 fabrics. Supposing the products of the 
 loom to have this ability, what object would 
 they have in exercising it? And why docs 
 not the apparition of a suit of clothes some- 
 times walk abroad without a ghost in it? 
 These be riddles of significance. They 
 reach away down and get a convulsive grasp 
 on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. 
 
 Ghoul, n. A demon addicted to the repre- 
 hensible habit of devouring the dead. The 
 existence of ghouls has been disputed by that 
 class of controversialists who are more con- 
 
117 
 
 cemed to deprive the world of comforting 
 beliefs than to give it anything good in their 
 place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a 
 cemetery near Florence and frightened it 
 away with the sign of the cross. He de- 
 scribes it as gifted with many heads and an 
 uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw 
 it in more than one place at a time. The 
 good man was coming away from dinner at 
 the time and explains that if he had not 
 been "heavy with eating" he would have 
 seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston 
 relates that a ghoul was caught by some 
 sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury 
 and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears 
 to think that so distinguished a criminal 
 should have been ducked in a tank of rose- 
 water.) The water turned at once to blood 
 "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond 
 has since been bled with a ditch. As late 
 as the beginning of the fourteenth century 
 a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the 
 cathedral at Amiens and the whole popula- 
 tion surrounded the place. Twenty armed 
 men with a priest at their head, bearing a 
 crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, 
 which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, 
 had transformed itself to the semblance of 
 
118 
 
 a well known citizen, but was nevertheless 
 hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst 
 of hideous popular orgies. The citizen 
 whose shape the demon had assumed was so 
 affected by the sinister occurrence that he 
 never again showed himself in Amiens and 
 his fate remains a mystery. 
 
 Glutton, «. A person who escapes the evils 
 of moderation by committing dyspepsia. 
 
 Gnome, n. In North-European mythology, 
 a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts 
 of the earth and having special custody of 
 mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 
 1765, says gnomes were common enough in 
 the southern parts of Sweden in his boy- 
 hood, and he frequently saw them scamper- 
 ing on the hills in the evening twilight. 
 Ludwig Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 
 1792, in the Black Forest, and Sneddeker 
 avers that in 1803 they drove a party of 
 miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our 
 computations upon data supplied by these 
 statements, we find that the gnomes were 
 probably extinct as early as 1764. 
 
 Gnostics, n. A sect of philosophers who 
 
119 
 
 tried to engineer a fusion between the early 
 Christians and the Platonists. The former 
 would not go into the caucus and the com- 
 bination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the 
 fusion managers. 
 
 Gnu, n. An animal of South Africa, which 
 in its domesticated state resembles a horse, 
 a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition 
 it is something like a thunderbolt, an earth- 
 quake and a cyclone. 
 
 A hlinter from Kew caught a distant view 
 
 Of a peacefully meditative gnu, 
 And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue 
 
 In its blood at a closer interview." 
 But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw 
 
 O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; 
 And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew 
 
 Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew 
 
 That really meritorious gnu." 
 
 Jam Leffer. 
 
 Good, ad]. Sensible, madam, to the worth of 
 this present writer. Alive, sir, to the ad- 
 vantages of letting him alone. 
 
 Goose, «. A bird that supplies quills for 
 writing. These, by some occult process of 
 
120 
 
 nature, are penetrated and suffused with 
 various degrees of the bird's intellectual 
 energies and emotional character, so that 
 when inked and drawn mechanically across 
 paper by a person called an "author," there 
 results a very fair and accurate transcript 
 of the fowl's thought and feeling. The dif- 
 ference in geese, as discovered by this in- 
 genious method, is considerable: many are 
 found to have only trivial and insignificant 
 powers, but some are seen to be very great 
 geese indeed. 
 
 Gorgon, n. 
 
 The Gorgon was a maiden bold 
 
 Who turned to stone the Greeks of old 
 
 That looked upon her awful brow. 
 
 We dig them out of ruins now, 
 
 And swear that workmanship so bad 
 
 Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. 
 
 Gout, n. A physician's name for the rheumat- 
 ism of a rich patient. 
 
 Graces, n. Three beautiful goddesses, 
 Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who at- 
 tended upon Venus, serving without salary. 
 
121 
 
 They were at no expense for board and 
 clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of 
 and dressed according to the weather, wear- 
 ing whatever breeze happened to be 
 blowing. 
 
 Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thought- 
 fully prepared for the feet of the self-made 
 man, along the path by which he advances 
 to distinction. 
 
 Grape, n. 
 
 Hail noble fruit ! — ^by Homer sung, 
 Anacreon and Khayyam; 
 
 Thy praise is ever on the tongue 
 Of better men than I am. 
 
 The lyre my hand has never swept, 
 The song I cannot offer : 
 
 My humbler service pray accept — 
 I'll help to kill the scoffer. 
 
 The water-drinkers and the cranks 
 Who load their skins with liquor- 
 
 ril gladly bare their belly-tanks 
 And tap them with my sticker. 
 
122 
 
 Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools 
 When e'er we let the wine rest. 
 
 Here's death to Prohibition's fools. 
 And every kind of vine-pest ! 
 
 Jamrach Holobom. 
 
 GrAPESHOT, n. An argument which the fu- 
 ture is preparing in answer to the demands 
 of American Socialism. 
 
 Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid 
 to await the coming of the medical student 
 
 Beside a lonely grave I stood — 
 
 With brambles 'twas encumbered ; 
 The winds were moaning in the wood, 
 
 Unheard by him who slumbered. 
 
 A rustic standing near, I said: 
 
 "He cannot hear it blowing!" 
 "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead — 
 
 He can't hear nowt that's going." 
 
 "Too true," I said; "alas, too true — 
 
 No sound his sense can quicken!" 
 "Well, mister, wot is that to you? — 
 
 The deadster ain't a-kickin'." 
 
 T knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile 
 
 On him, and mercy show him!" 
 That countryman looked on the while, 
 
 And said: "Ye didn't know him." 
 
 Pobeter Dunk. 
 
123 
 
 Gravitation, n. The tendency of all bodies 
 to approach one another Avith a strength 
 proportioned to the quantity of matter they 
 contain — the quantity of matter they con- 
 tain being ascertained by the strength of 
 their tendency to approach one another. 
 This is a lovely and edifying illustration of 
 how science, having made A the proof of 
 B, makes B the proof of A, 
 
 Great, adj. 
 
 "I'm great," the Lion said — "I reign 
 The monarch of the wood and plain!" 
 
 The Elephant replied: "I'm great — 
 No quadruped can match my weight!" 
 
 "I'm great — no animal has half 
 So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. 
 
 "I'm great," the Kangaroo said — "see 
 My femoral muscularity!" 
 
 The 'Possum said: "I'm great — ^behold, 
 My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" 
 
 An Oyster fried was understood 
 
 To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" 
 
 Each reckons greatness to consist 
 In that in which he heads the list, 
 
124 
 
 And Vierick thinks he tops his class 
 Because he is the greatest ass. 
 
 Arion Spurl Doke. 
 
 Guillotine, n. A machine which makes a 
 Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good 
 reason. 
 
 In his great work on Divergent Lines of 
 Racial Evolution, the learned Professor 
 Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of 
 this gesture — the shrug — among French- 
 men, that they are descended from turtles 
 and it is simply a survival of the habit of 
 retracting the head inside the shell. It is 
 with reluctance that I differ with so eminent 
 an authority, but in my judgment (as more 
 elaborately set forth and enforced in my 
 work entitled Hereditary Emotions — lib. 
 II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation 
 upon which to build so important a theory, 
 for previously to the Revolution the gesture 
 was unknown. I have not a doubt that it is 
 directly referable to the terror inspired by 
 the guillotine during the period of that in- 
 strument's activity. 
 
 Gunpowder, n. An agency employed by 
 civilized nations for the settlement of dis- 
 
125 
 
 putes which might become troublesome if 
 left unadjusted. By most writers the inven- 
 tion of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chin- 
 ese, but not upon very convincing evidence. 
 Milton says it was invented by the devil 
 to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems 
 to derive some support from the scarcity 
 of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty con- 
 currence of the Hon, James Wilson, Secret- 
 ary of Agriculture. 
 
 Secretary Wilson became interested in 
 gunpowder through an event that occurred 
 on the Government experimental farm in 
 the District of Columbia. One day, sev- 
 eral years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent 
 of the Secretary's profound attainments and 
 personal character presented him with a 
 sack of gunpowder, representing it as the 
 seed of the Flashawful flabhergastor, a 
 Patagonian cereal of great commercial 
 value, admirably adapted to this climate. 
 The good Secretary was instructed to spill 
 it along in a furrow and afterward inhume 
 it with soil. This he at once proceeded to 
 do, and had made a continuous line of it 
 all the way across a ten-acre field, when 
 he was made to look backward by a shout 
 from the generous donor, who at once 
 
126 
 
 dropped a lighted match into the furrow at 
 the starting-point. Contact with the earth 
 had somewhat dampened the powder, but 
 the startled functionary saw himself pur- 
 sued by a tall moving pillar of fire and 
 smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a 
 moment paralyzed and speechless, then he 
 recollected an engagement and, dropping 
 all, absented himself thence with such sur- 
 prising celerity that to the eyes of spectators 
 along the route selected he appeared like 
 a long, dim streak prolonging itself with in- 
 conceivable rapidity through seven villages, 
 and audibly refusing to be comforted. 
 "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a sur- 
 veyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gaz- 
 ing at the fading line of agriculturist which 
 bisected his visible horizon. "That," said 
 the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phe- 
 nomenon and again centering his attention 
 upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of 
 Washington." 
 
 H 
 
 Habeas Corpus. A writ by which a man may 
 be taken out of jail when confined for the 
 wrong crime. 
 
127 
 Habit, «. A shackle for the free. 
 
 Hades, «. The lower world; the residence 
 of departed spirits; the place where the 
 dead live. 
 
 Among the ancients the idea of Hades 
 was not synonymous with our Hell, many 
 of the most respectable men of antiquity re- 
 siding there in a very comfortable kind of 
 way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields them- 
 selves were a part of Hades, though they 
 have since been removed to Paris. When 
 the Jacobean version of the New Testament 
 was in process of evolution the pious and 
 learned men engaged in the work insisted 
 by a majority vote on translating the Greek 
 word "AtSirjq" as "Hell"; but a conscientious 
 minority member secretly possessed himself 
 of the record and struck out the objection- 
 able word wherever he could find it. At 
 the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, 
 looking over the work, suddenly sprang to 
 his feet and said with considerable excite- 
 ment: "Gentlemen, somebody has been 
 razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the 
 good prelate's death was made sweet by the 
 reflection that he had been the means (un- 
 der Providence) of making an important, 
 
128 
 
 serviceable and immortal addition to the 
 phraseology of the English tongue. 
 
 Hag, n. An elderly lady whom you do not 
 happen to like; sometimes called, also, a 
 hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., 
 were called hags from the belief that their 
 heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful 
 lumination or nimbus^hag being the pop- 
 ular name of that peculiar electrical light 
 sometimes observed in the hair. At one 
 time hag was not a word of reproach: 
 Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all 
 smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet 
 wench." It would not now be proper to 
 call your sweetheart a hag — that compli- 
 ment is reserved for the use of her grand- 
 children. 
 
 Half, n. One of two equal parts into which 
 a thing may be divided, or considered as 
 divided. In the fourteenth century a 
 heated discussion arose among theologists 
 and philosophers as to whether Omniscience 
 could part an object into three halves; and 
 the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly 
 prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God 
 would demonstrate the affirmative of the 
 
129 
 
 proposition in some signal and unmistakable 
 way, and particularly (if it should please 
 Him) upon the body of that hardy blas- 
 phemer, Manutius Procinus, who main- 
 tained the negative. Procinus, however, 
 was spared to die of the bite of a viper. 
 
 Halo, n. Properly, a luminous ring en- 
 circling an astronomical body, but not in- 
 frequently confounded with "aureola," or 
 "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon 
 worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. 
 The halo is a purely optical illusion, pro- 
 duced by moisture in the air, in the manner 
 of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred 
 as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same 
 way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara. 
 In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedg- 
 kin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the 
 Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but 
 an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger 
 is similarly decorated and, to his lasting 
 honor be it said, appears to bear his unac- 
 customed dignity with a truly saintly grace. 
 
 Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the 
 end of the human arm and commonly thrust 
 into somebody's pocket. 
 
130 
 
 Handkerchief, n. A small square of silk 
 or linen, used in various ignoble offices about 
 the face and .especially serviceable at 
 funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The 
 handkerchief is of recent invention ; our an- 
 cestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its 
 duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's intro- 
 ducing it into the play of "Othello" is an 
 anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose 
 with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and 
 other reformers have done with their coat- 
 tails in our own day — an evidence that revo- 
 lutions sometimes go backward. 
 
 Hangman, n. An officer of the law charged 
 with duties of the highest dignity and ut- 
 most gravity, and held in hereditary dis- 
 esteem by a populace having a criminal an- 
 cestry. In some of the American States his 
 functions are now performed by an elec- 
 trician, as in New Jersey, where executions 
 by electricity have recently been ordered — 
 the first instance known to this lexic- 
 ographer of anybody questioning the ex- 
 pediency of hanging Jerseymen. 
 
 Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising 
 from contemplating the misery of another. 
 
131 
 
 Harangue, n. A speech by an opponent, who 
 is known as an harangue-outang. 
 
 Harbor, «. A place where ships taking shel- 
 ter from storms are exposed to the fury of 
 the customs. 
 
 Harmonists, «. A sect of Protestants, now 
 extinct, who came from Europe in the be- 
 ginning of the last century and were dis- 
 tinguished for the bitterness of their intern- 
 al controversies and dissensions. 
 
 Hash, x. There is no definition for this word 
 — nobody knows what hash is. 
 
 Hatchet, n. A young axe, known among Ind- 
 ians as a Thomashawk. 
 
 "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, 
 
 For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. 
 
 The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, 
 With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. 
 
 John Lukkus, 
 
 Hatred, «. A sentiment appropriate to the 
 occasion of another's superiority. 
 
132 
 
 Head-Money, n. A capitation tax, or poll- 
 tax. 
 
 In ancient times there lived a king 
 
 Whose tax-collectors could not wring 
 
 From all his subjects gold enough 
 
 To make the royal way less rough. 
 
 For pleasure's highway, like the dames 
 
 Whose premises adjoin it, claims 
 
 Perpetual repairing. So 
 
 The tax-collectors in a row 
 
 Appeared before the throne to pray 
 
 Their master to devise some way 
 
 To swell the revenue. "So great," 
 
 Said they, "are the demands of state 
 
 A tithe of all that we collect 
 
 Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: 
 
 How, if one-tenth we must resign, 
 
 Can we exist on t'other nine?" 
 
 The monarch asked them in reply: 
 
 "Has it occurred to you to try 
 
 The advantage of economy?" 
 
 "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold 
 
 All of our gay garrotes of gold; 
 
 With plated-ware we now compress 
 
 The necks of those whom we assess. 
 
 Plain iron forceps we employ 
 
 To mitigate the miser's joy 
 
 Who hoards, with greed that never tires, 
 
 That which your Majesty requires." 
 
 Deep lines of thought were seen to plow 
 
 Their way across the royal brow. 
 
133 
 
 "Your state is desperate, no question; 
 
 Pray favor me with a suggestion." 
 
 "O King of Men," the spokesman said, 
 
 "If you'll impose upon each head 
 
 A tax, the augmented revenue 
 
 We'll cheerfully divide with you." 
 
 As flashes of the sun illume 
 
 The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, 
 
 The king smiled grimly. "I decree 
 
 That it be so — and, not to be 
 
 In generosity outdone, 
 
 Declare you, each and every one. 
 
 Exempted from the operation 
 
 Of this new law of capitation. 
 
 But lest the people censure me 
 
 Because they're bound and you are free, 
 
 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid 
 
 By you this poll-tax to evade. 
 
 I'll leave you now while you confer 
 
 With my most trusted minister." 
 
 The monarch from the throne-room walked 
 
 And straightway in among them stalked 
 
 A silent man, with brow concealed. 
 
 Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed! 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Hearse, «. Death's baby-carriage. 
 
 Heart, «. An automatic, muscular blood- 
 pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is 
 said to be the seat of emotions and senti- 
 
ments — a very pretty fancy which, how- 
 ever, is nothing but a survival of a once uni- 
 versal belief. It is now known that the 
 sentiments and emotions reside in the stom- 
 ach, being evolved from food by chemical 
 action of the gastric fluid. The exact 
 process by which a beefsteak becomes a feel- 
 ing — tender or not, according to the age of 
 the animal from which it was cut; the suc- 
 cessive stages of elaboration through which 
 a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint 
 fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram ; 
 the marvelous functional methods of con- 
 verting a hard-boiled egg into religious con- 
 trition, or a cream-pufif into a sigh of sens- 
 ibility — these things have been patiently 
 ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him ex- 
 pounded with convincing lucidity. (See, 
 also, my monograph. The Essential Identity 
 of the Spiritual Affections and Certain In- 
 testinal Gases Freed in Digestion — 4to, 687 
 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, 
 Delectatio Demonorum (John Camden 
 Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the 
 sentiments receives a striking illustration; 
 and for further light consult Professor 
 Dam's famous treatise on Love as a Product 
 of Alimentary Maceration. 
 
135 
 
 Heat, n. 
 
 Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode 
 
 Of motion, but I know now how he's proving 
 
 His point; but this I know — hot words bestowed 
 With skill will set the human fist a-moving, 
 
 And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. 
 
 Crede expertum — I have seen them, child. 
 
 Gorton Swope. 
 
 Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has 
 the folly to worship something that he can 
 see and feel. According to Professor How- 
 ison, of the California State University, He- 
 brews are heathens. 
 
 "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - 
 
 A Christian philosopher. I'm 
 A scurril agnostical chap, if you please. 
 
 Addicted too much to the crime 
 
 Of religious discussion in rhj^ne. 
 
 Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree 
 
 On a modus vivendi — not they! — 
 Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, 
 
 And I haven't been reared in a way 
 
 To joy in the thick of the fray. 
 
 For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, 
 
 And the truth of it I aver: 
 Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, 
 
136 
 
 An 'ite, an 'ic, or an 'er — 
 And I'm down upon him or her! 
 
 Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin 
 
 Toleration — that's all very well, 
 But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, 
 
 And he's running — I know by the smell — 
 
 A secret and personal Hell! 
 
 Bissell Gip. 
 
 Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease 
 from troubling you with talk of their per- 
 sonal afifairs, and the good listen with atten- 
 tion while you expound your own. 
 
 Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished 
 . from the Shebrew, an altogether superior 
 creation. " ^ 
 
 Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half. 
 
 "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" 
 Says the priest. "Since the time o' yer wooin' 
 
 She's niver assisted in what ye were at — 
 For it's naught ye are ever doin'." 
 
 "That's true of yer Riverence," Patrick replies. 
 
 And no sign of contrition evinces; 
 "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, 
 
 For she helps to mate the expinses!" 
 
 Marley Wottel. 
 
137 
 
 Hemp, «. A plant from whose fibrous bark 
 is made an article of neckwear which is fre- 
 quently put on after public speaking in the 
 open air and prevents the wearer from tak- 
 ing cold. 
 
 Hermit, n. A person whose vices and follies 
 are not sociable. 
 
 Hers, pron. His. 
 
 Hibernate, v. i. To pass the winter season in 
 domestic seclusion. There have been many 
 singular popular notions about the hiberna- 
 tion of various animals. Many believe that 
 the bear hibernates during the whole win- 
 ter and subsists by mechanically sucking its 
 paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its 
 retirement in the spring so lean that it has 
 to try twice before it can cast a shadow. 
 Three or four centuries ago, in England, no 
 fact was better attested than that swallows 
 passed the winter months in the mud at the 
 bottoms of the brooks, clinging together in 
 globular masses. They have apparently 
 been compelled to give up the custom on 
 account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus 
 Escobius discovered in Central Asia a whole 
 
138 
 
 nation of people who hibernate. By some 
 investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed 
 to have been originally a modified form of 
 hibernation, to which the Church gave a re- 
 ligious significance; but this view was 
 strenuously opposed by that eminent author- 
 ity, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any hon- 
 ors denied to the memory of the Founder 
 of his family. 
 
 HlPPOGRlFF^ n. An animal (now extinct) 
 which was half horse and half griffin. The 
 griffin was itself a compound creature, half 
 lion and half eagle. The hippogrifif was 
 actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, 
 which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 
 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 
 
 Historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip. 
 
 History, n. An account mostly false, of 
 events mostly unimportant, which are 
 brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and 
 soldiers mostly fools. 
 
 Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 
 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, 
 Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide. 
 Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. 
 
 S alder Bupp. 
 
139 
 
 Hog, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity 
 of its appetite and serving to illustrate that 
 of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, 
 the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, 
 but is respected for the delicacy of its habits, 
 the beauty of its plumage and the melody 
 of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that 
 the fowl is esteemed; a cage of him in full 
 chorus has been known to draw tears from 
 two persons at once. The scientific name 
 of this dicky-bird is Porcus Rockefelleri. 
 Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, 
 but it is considered his by right of resem- 
 blance. 
 
 HOMCEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the 
 medical profession. 
 
 HOMCEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine mid- 
 way between Allopathy and Christian Sci- 
 ence. To the last both the others are dis- 
 tinctly inferior, for Christian Science will 
 cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. 
 
 Homicide, n. The slaying of one human be- 
 ing by another. There are four kinds of 
 homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable 
 and praiseworthy, but it makes no great dif- 
 
140 
 
 ference to the person slain whether he fell 
 by one kind or another — the classification is 
 for advantage of the lawyers. 
 
 HOMiLETics, «. The science of adapting ser- 
 mons to the spiritual needs, capacities and 
 conditions of the congregation. 
 
 So skilled the parson was in homiletics 
 That all his moral purges and emetics 
 To medicine the spirit were compounded 
 With a most just discrimination founded 
 Upon a rigorous examination 
 Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. 
 Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, 
 His scriptural specifics this physician 
 Administered — his pills so efficacious 
 And pukes of disposition so vivacious 
 That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam 
 Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. 
 But Slander's tongue — itself all coated — uttered 
 Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered 
 That in the case of patients having money 
 The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. 
 
 Biography of Bishop Potter, 
 
 Honorable, adj. Afflicted with an impedi- 
 ment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it 
 is customary to mention all members as hon- 
 orable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a 
 scurvy cur." 
 
141 
 
 Hope, «,. Desire and expectation rolled into 
 one. 
 
 Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left — 
 Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; 
 When even his dog deserts him, and his goat 
 With tranquil disaffection chews his coat 
 While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, 
 The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, 
 Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint 
 The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. 
 
 Fogarty Weffing, 
 
 Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us 
 to feed and lodge certain persons who are 
 not in need of food and lodging. 
 
 Hostility, n. A peculiarly sharp and spec- 
 ially applied sense of the earth's overpop- 
 ulation. Hostility is classed as active and 
 passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a 
 woman for her female friends, and that 
 which she entertains for all the rest of her 
 sex. 
 
 HOURI, «. A comely female inhabiting the 
 Mohammedan Paradise to make things 
 cheery for the good Mussulman, whose be- 
 lief in her existence marks a noble discon- 
 
142 
 
 tent with his earthly spouse, whom he de- 
 nies a soul. By that good lady the Houris 
 are said to be held in deficient esteem. 
 
 House, n. A hollow edifice erected for the 
 habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cock- 
 roach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and 
 microbe. House of Correction, a place of 
 reward for political and personal service, 
 and for the detention of offenders and ap- 
 propriations. House of God, a building 
 with a steeple and a mortgage on it. House- 
 dog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic prem- 
 ises to insult persons passing by and appal 
 the hardy visitor. House-maid, a young- 
 erly person of the opposing sex employed to 
 be variously disagreeable and ingeniously 
 unclean in the station in which It has 
 pleased God to place her. 
 
 Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on 
 household goods. 
 
 Hovel, n. The fruit of a flowet called the 
 Palace. 
 
 Twaddle had a hovel, 
 Twiddle had a palace; 
 
143 
 
 Twaddle said: "I'll grovel 
 
 Or he'll think I bear him malice"^ 
 A sentiment as novel 
 
 As a castor on a chalice. 
 
 Down upon the middle 
 
 Of his legs fell Twaddle 
 And astonished Mr. Twiddle, 
 
 Who began to lift his noddle, 
 Feed upon the fiddle- 
 
 Faddle flummery, unswaddlti 
 A new-born self-sufEciency and thin'kliimsdf amOdel. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, 
 exclusive of the anthropoid poets. 
 
 Humorist, n. A plague that would have soft- 
 ened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's 
 heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel 
 with his best wishes, cat-quick. 
 
 Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind 
 
 See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined — 
 
 Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, 
 
 His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. 
 
 He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, 
 
 A graceful hog would bear his company. 
 
 Alexander Poke, 
 
 Hurricane, n. An atmospheric demonstra- 
 
144 
 
 tion once very common but now generally- 
 abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. 
 The hurricane is still in popular use in the 
 West Indies and is preferred by certain old- 
 fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in 
 the construction of the upper decks of 
 steamboats, but generally speaking, the hur- 
 ricane's usefulness has outlasted it. 
 
 Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers. 
 
 Husband, «. One who, having dined, is 
 charged with the care of the plate. 
 
 Hybrid, n. A pooled issue. 
 
 Hydra, n. A kind of animal that the ancients 
 catalogued under many heads. 
 
 Hyena, n. A beast held in reverence by some 
 oriental nations from its habit of frequent- 
 ing at night the burial-places of the dead. 
 But the medical student does that. 
 
 Hypochondriasis, n. Depression of one's 
 own spirits. 
 
 Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot 
 
 Where long the village rubbish had been shot 
 
145 
 
 Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps — 
 "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. 
 
 Bogul S. Purvy, 
 
 Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues 
 that he does not respect, secures the advant- 
 age of seeming to be what he despises. ' 
 
 I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first 
 word of the language, the first thought of 
 the mind, the first object of affection. In 
 grammar it is a pronoun of the first person 
 and singular number. Its plural is said to 
 be We, but how there can be more than one 
 myself is doubtless clearer to the grammar- 
 ians than it is to the author of this incom- 
 parable dictionary. Conception of two my- 
 selves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet 
 graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good 
 writer from a bad; the latter carries it with 
 the manner of a thief trying to cloak his 
 loot. 
 
 Ichor, «. A fluid that serves the gods and 
 goddesses in place of blood. 
 
146 
 
 Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, 
 Restrained the raging chief and said: 
 "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled — 
 Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" 
 
 Mary Doke. 
 
 Iconoclast, n. A breaker of idols, the wor- 
 shipers whereof are imperfectly gratified 
 by the performance, and most strenuously 
 protest that he unbuildeth but doth not 
 reedify, that he puUeth down but pileth 
 not up. For the poor things would have 
 other idols in place of those he thwacketh 
 upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the 
 iconoclast saith : "Ye shall have none at all, 
 for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder 
 fooleth round hereabout, behold I will de- 
 press the head of him and sit thereon till 
 he squawk it." 
 
 Idiot, «. A member of a large and powerful 
 tribe whose influence in human affairs has 
 always been dominant and controlling. The 
 Idiot's activity is not confined to any special 
 field of thought or action, but "pervades and 
 regulates the whole." He has the last word 
 in everything; his decision is unappealable. 
 He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, 
 
147 
 
 dictates the limitations of speech and cir- 
 cumscribes conduct with a dead-line. 
 
 Idleness, n. A model farm where the devil 
 experiments with seeds of new sins and pro- 
 motes the growth of staple vices. 
 
 Ignoramus, n. A person unacquainted with 
 certain kinds of knowledge familiar to your- 
 self, and having certain other kinds that you 
 know nothing about. 
 
 Dumble was an ignoramus, 
 Mumble was for learning famous. 
 Mumble said one day to Dumble: 
 "Ignorance should be more humble. 
 Not a spark have you of knowledge 
 That was got in any college." 
 Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly 
 You're self-satisfied unduly. 
 Of things in college I'm denied 
 A knowledge — you of all beside." 
 
 Borelli. 
 
 IlluMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of 
 the latter part of the sixteenth century; so 
 called because they were light weights — 
 cunctationds illuminati. 
 
148 
 
 Illustrious, adj. Suitably placed for the 
 shafts of malice, envy and detraction. 
 
 Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with 
 poet and liar in joint ownership. 
 
 Imbecility, n. A kind of divine inspiration, 
 or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of 
 this dictionary. 
 
 Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person 
 who thinks one country better than another. 
 
 Immodest, adj. Having a strong sense of 
 one's own merit, coupled with a feeble con- 
 ception of worth in others. 
 
 There was once a man in Ispahan 
 
 Ever and ever so long ago, 
 And he had a head, the phrenologists said, 
 
 That fitted him for a show. 
 
 For his modesty's bump was so large a lump 
 (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) 
 
 That its summit stood far above the wood 
 Of his hair, like a mountain peak. 
 
 So modest a man in all Ispahan, 
 
 Over and over again they swore — 
 
 So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; 
 None ever was found before. 
 
149 
 
 Meantime the hump of that awful bump 
 
 Into the heavens contrived tc get , 
 
 To so great a height that they called the wight 
 The man with a minaret. 
 
 There wasn't a man in all Ispahan 
 
 Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump; 
 With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung 
 
 He bragged of that beautiful bump 
 
 Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page 
 Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, 
 
 And that gentle child explained as he smiled: 
 "A little present for you." 
 
 The saddest man in all Ispahan, 
 
 Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. 
 
 "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility 
 Had given me deathless fame!" 
 
 Sukker Uffra. 
 
 Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in 
 the long run and with regard to the greater 
 number of instances men find to be generally 
 inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, 
 wicked, immoral. If man's notions of right 
 and wrong have any other basis than this 
 of expediency; if they originated, or could 
 have originated, in any other way; if actions 
 have in themselves a moral character apart 
 
150 
 
 from, and nowise dependent on, their con- 
 sequences — then all philosophy is a lie and 
 reason a disorder of the mind. 
 
 Immortality, n. 
 
 A toy which people cry for, 
 And on their knees apply for, 
 Dispute, contend and lie for, 
 
 And if allowed 
 
 Would be right proud 
 Eternally to die for. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Impale, v. t. In popular usage to pierce with 
 any weapon which remains fixed in the 
 wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to 
 impale is, properly, to put to death by 
 thrusting an upright sharp stake into the 
 body, the victim being left in a sitting post- 
 ure. This was a common mode of punish- 
 ment among many of the nations of an- 
 tiquity, and is still in high favor in China 
 and other parts of Asia. Pown to the be- 
 ginning of the fifteenth century it was 
 widely employed in "churching" heretics 
 and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the 
 "stoole of repentynge," and among the com- 
 mon people it was jocularly known as "rid- 
 
151 
 
 ing the one legged horse." Ludwig Salz- 
 mann informs us that in Thibet impalement 
 is considered the most appropriate punish- 
 ment for crimes against religion; and al- 
 though in China it is sometimes awarded for 
 secular offences, it is most frequently ad- 
 judged in cases of sacrilege. To the person 
 in actual experience of impalement it must 
 be a matter of minor importance by what 
 kind of civil or religious dissent he was 
 made acquainted with its discomforts; but 
 doubtless he would feel a certain satisfac- 
 tion if able to contemplate himself in the 
 character of a weather-cock on the spire of 
 the True Church. 
 
 Impartial, ad]. Unable to perceive any 
 promise of personal advantage from espous- 
 ing either side of a controversy or adopting 
 either of two conflicting opinions. 
 
 Impenitence, n. A state of mind intermedi- 
 ate in point of time between sin and pun- 
 ishment. 
 
 Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my 
 deity. 
 
152 
 
 Imposition, n. The act of blessing or conse- 
 crating by the laying on of hands — a cere- 
 mony common to many ecclesiastical sys- 
 tems, but performed with the frankest sin- 
 cerity by the sect known as Thieves. 
 
 "Lo! by the laying on of hands," 
 
 Say parson, priest and dervise, 
 "We consecrate your cash and lands 
 
 To ecclesiastic service. 
 No doubt you'll swear till all is blue 
 At such an imposition. Do." 
 
 Polio Doncas. 
 
 Impostor, «. A rival aspirant to public 
 honors. 
 
 Improbability, n. 
 
 His tale he told with a solemn face 
 And a tender, melancholy grace. 
 
 Improbable 'twas, no doubt. 
 
 When you came to think it out, 
 
 But the fascinated crowd 
 
 Their deep surprise avowed 
 And all with a single voice averred 
 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard— 
 All save one who spake never a word. 
 
 But sat as mum 
 
 As if deaf and dumb. 
 Serene, indifferent and unstirred. 
 
153 
 
 Then all the others turned to him 
 And scrutinized him limb from limb- 
 Scanned him alive ; 
 But he seemed to thrive 
 And tranquiler grow each minute, 
 As if there were nothing in it. 
 "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed 
 At what our friend has told ?" He raised 
 Soberly then his eyes and gazed 
 In a natural way 
 And proceeded to say. 
 As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: 
 "O no — not at all; I'm a liar myself." 
 
 Improvidence, «. Provision for the needs of 
 to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. 
 
 Impunity, n. Wealth. 
 
 Inadmissible, adj. Not competent to be con- 
 sidered. Said of certain kinds of testimony 
 which juries are supposed to be unfit to be 
 entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, 
 rule out, even of proceedings before them- 
 selves alone. Heresay evidence is inadmiss- 
 ible because the person quoted was un- 
 sworn and is not before the court for exam- 
 ination ; yet most momentous actions, milit- 
 ary, political, commercial and of every 
 other kind, are daily undertaken on hear* 
 
154 
 
 say evidence. There is no religion in the 
 world that has any other basis than hearsay 
 evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; 
 that the Scriptures are the word of God we 
 have only the testimony of men long dead 
 whose identity is not clearly established and 
 who are not known to have been sworn in 
 any sense. Under the rules of evidence as 
 they now exist in this country, no single 
 assertion in the Bible has in its support any 
 evidence admissible in a court of law. It 
 cannot be proved that the battle of Blen- 
 heim ever was fought, that there was such 
 a person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as 
 Assyria. 
 
 But as records of courts of justice are 
 admissible, it can easily be proved that 
 powerful and malevolent magicians once 
 existed and were a scourge to mankind. 
 The evidence (including confession) upon 
 which certain women were convicted of 
 witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; 
 it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decis- 
 ions based on it were sound in logic and in 
 law. Nothing in any existing court was ever 
 more thoroughly proved than the charges 
 of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many 
 suffered death. If there were no witches, 
 
155 
 
 human testimony and human reason are 
 alike destitute of value. 
 
 INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising 
 manner, the auspices being unfavorable. 
 Among the Romans it was customary be- 
 fore undertaking any important action or 
 enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or 
 state prophets, some hint of its probable 
 outcome; and one of their favorite and most 
 trustworthy modes of divination consisted 
 in observing the flight of birds — the omens 
 thence derived being called auspices. News- 
 paper reporters and certain miscreant lexic- 
 ographers have decided that the word — 
 always in the plural — shall mean "patron- 
 age" or "management" ; as, "The festivities 
 were under the auspices of the Ancient and 
 Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers" ; or, 
 "The hilarities were auspicated by the 
 Knights of Hunger." 
 
 A Roman slave appeared one day 
 Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, 
 If — " here the Augur, smiling, made 
 A checking gesture and displayed 
 His open palm, which plainly itched, 
 For visibly its surface twitched. 
 A denarius (the Latin nickel) 
 Successfully allayed the tickle. 
 And then the slave proceeded : "Please 
 
156 
 
 Inform me whether Fate decrees 
 
 Success or failure in what I 
 
 To-night (if it be dark) shall try. 
 
 Its nature? Never mind — I think 
 
 'Tis writ on this" — and with a wink 
 
 Which darkened half the earth, he drew 
 
 Another denarius to view, 
 
 Its shining face attentive scanned. 
 
 Then slipped it into the good man's hand, 
 
 Who with great gravity said: "Wait 
 
 While I retire to question Fate." 
 
 That holy person then withdrew 
 
 His sacred clay and, passing through 
 
 The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" 
 
 Waving his robe of office. Straight 
 
 Each sacred peacock and its mate 
 
 (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled 
 
 With clamor from the trees o'erhead, 
 
 Where they were perching for the night. 
 
 The temple's roof received their flight. 
 
 For thither they would always go, 
 
 When danger threatened them below. 
 
 Back to the slave the Augur went: 
 
 "My son, forecasting the event 
 
 By flight of birds, I must confess 
 
 The auspices deny success." 
 
 That slave retired, a sadder man, 
 
 Abandoning his secret plan — 
 
 Which was (as well the crafty seer 
 
 Had from the first divined) to clear 
 
 The wall and fraudulently seize 
 
 On Juno's poultry in the trees. G. J. 
 
157 
 
 Income, n. The natural and rational gauge 
 and measure of respectability, the com- 
 monly accepted standards being artificial, 
 arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Syco- 
 phas Chrysolater" in the play has justly 
 remarked, "the true use and function of 
 property (in whatsoever it consisteth — 
 coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuflf, 
 or anything which may be named as holden 
 of right to one's own subservience) as also 
 of honors, titles, preferments and place, 
 and all favor and acquaintance of persons 
 of quality or ableness, are but to get money. 
 Hence it foUoweth that all things are truly 
 to be rated as of worth in measure of their 
 serviceableness to that end; and their pos- 
 sessors should take rank in agreement 
 thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing 
 manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor 
 he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor 
 yet the pauper favorite of a king, being 
 esteemed of level excellency with him whose 
 riches are of daily accretion; and hardly 
 should they whose wealth is barren claim 
 and rightly take more honor than the poor 
 and unworthy." 
 
 Incompatibility, n. In matrimony a simil- 
 
158 
 
 arity of tastes, particularly the taste for 
 domination. Incompatibility may, however, 
 consist of a meek-eyed matron living just 
 around the corner. It has even been known 
 to wear a moustache. 
 
 Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if some- 
 thing else exists. Two things are incomposs- 
 ible when the world of being has scope 
 enough for one of them, but not enough for 
 both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's 
 mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be 
 seen, is only incompatibility let loose. In- 
 stead of such low language as "Go heel 
 yourself — I mean to kill you on sight," the 
 words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would 
 convey an equally significant intimation 
 and in stately courtesy are altogether 
 superior. 
 
 Incubus, n. One of a race of highly im- 
 proper demons who, though probably not 
 wholly extinct, may be said to have seen 
 their best nights. For a complete account 
 of incubi and succubi, including incuhte, 
 and succubeB, see the Liber Demonorum of 
 Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains 
 much curious information that would be 
 
159 
 
 out of place in a dictionary intended as a 
 text-book for the public schools. 
 
 Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel 
 Islands Satan himself — tempted more than 
 elsewhere by the beauty of the women, 
 doubtless — sometimes plays at incubus, 
 greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of 
 the good dames who wish to be loyal to their 
 marriage vows, generally speaking. A cert- 
 ain lady applied to the parish priest to 
 learn how they might, in the dark, dis- 
 tinguish the hardy intruder from their hus- 
 bands. The holy man said they must feel 
 his brow for horns; but Hugo is ungallant 
 enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy "of 
 the test. 
 
 Incumbent, «. A person of the liveliest inter- 
 est to the outcumbents. 
 
 Indecision, «. The chief element of success; 
 "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, 
 "there is but one way to do nothing and 
 divers ways to do something, whereof, to 
 a surety, only one is the right way, it follow- 
 eth that he who from indecision standeth 
 still hath not so many chances of going 
 astray as he who pusheth forwards" — a 
 
160 
 
 most clear and satisfactory exposition of the 
 matter. 
 
 "Your prompt decision to attack," said 
 General Grant on a certain occasion to Gen- 
 eral Gordon Granger, "was admirable ; you 
 had but five minutes to make up your mind 
 
 in." 
 
 "Yes, sir," answered the victorious sub- 
 ordinate, "it is a great thing to know 
 exactly what to do in an emergency. When 
 in doubt whether to attack or retreat I 
 never hesitate a moment — I toss up a cop- 
 per." 
 
 "Do you mean to say that's what you did 
 this time?" 
 
 "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake 
 don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin." 
 
 Indifferent^ adj. Imperfectly sensible to 
 distinctions among things. 
 
 "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, 
 "You've grown indifferent to all in life." 
 "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; 
 "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." 
 
 Apuleius M. Gokul. 
 
 Indigestion^ n. A disease which the patient 
 and his friends frequently mistake for deep 
 religious conviction and concern for the 
 
161 
 
 salvation of mankind. As the simple Red 
 Man of the western wild put it, with, it 
 must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty 
 well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." 
 
 Indiscretion, n. The guilt of woman. 
 
 Inexpedient, adj. Not calculated to advance 
 one's interests. 
 
 Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, 
 according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 
 about us." The world begins lying about 
 us pretty soon afterward. 
 
 Inferi^, n. (Latin.) Among the Greeks 
 and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of 
 the Dtt Manes, or souls of dead heroes; for 
 the pious ancients could not invent enough 
 gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had 
 to have a number of makeshift deities, or, 
 as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they 
 made out of the most unpromising mater- 
 ials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to 
 the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a 
 priest of Aulis, was favored with an audi- 
 ence of that illustrious warrior's shade, who 
 prophetically recounted to him the birth of 
 
162 
 
 Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giv- 
 ing him also a rapid but tolerably complete 
 review of events down to the reign of Saint 
 Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at 
 that point, owing to the inconsiderate crow- 
 ing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted 
 King of Men to scamper back to Hades. 
 There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, 
 and as it has not been traced back further 
 than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure 
 writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall 
 probably not err on the side of presumption 
 in considering it apocryphal, though Mon- 
 signor Capel's judgment of the matter 
 might be different; and to that I bow — 
 wow. 
 
 Infidel^ n. In New York, one who does not 
 believe in the Christian religion; in Con- 
 stantinople, one who does. (See GiAOUR.) 
 A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, 
 and niggardly contributory to, divines, 
 ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, 
 mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, 
 prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, mission- 
 aries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high- 
 priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, 
 confessors, eminences, elders, primates, pre- 
 
163 
 
 bendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, 
 beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, arch- 
 bishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, 
 padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, 
 curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beads- 
 men, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, 
 deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, 
 charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class- 
 leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, tala- 
 poins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, pre- 
 centors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, rever- 
 ences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual 
 curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, 
 novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, 
 lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, 
 church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suf- 
 fragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, 
 mutifs and pumpums. 
 
 Influence, n. In politics, a visionary quo 
 given in exchange for a substantial quid. 
 
 Infralapsarian, «. One who ventures to 
 believe that Adam need not have sinned un- 
 less he had a mind to — in opposition to the 
 Supralapsarians, who hold that that luck- 
 less person's fall was decreed from the 
 beginning. Infralapsariaas are sometimes 
 
164 
 
 called Sublapsarians without material effect 
 upon the importance and lucidity of their 
 views about Adam. 
 
 Two theologues once, as they wended their way 
 To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray — 
 An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, 
 Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. 
 " 'Twas Predestination," cried one — "for the Lord 
 Decreed he should fall of his own accord." 
 "Not so — 'twas Free will," the other maintained, 
 "Which led him to choose what the Lord had 
 
 ordained." 
 So fierce and so fiery grew the debate 
 That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate ; 
 So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground 
 And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. 
 Ere either had proved his theology right 
 By winning, or even beginning, the fight, 
 A gray old professor of Latin came by, 
 A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye. 
 And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still 
 As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill 
 Of foreordinational freedom of will) 
 Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: 
 Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. 
 The sects ye belong to — I'm ready to swear 
 Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. 
 You — Infralapsarian son of a clown! — 
 Should only contend that Adam slipped down; 
 While you — you Supralapsarian pup! — 
 Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up." 
 
165 
 
 It's all the same whether up or down 
 You slip on a peel of banana brown. 
 Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, 
 But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Ingrate, n. One who receives a benefit from 
 another, or is otherwise an object of charity. 
 
 "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," 
 
 The good philanthropist replied; 
 "I did great service to a man one day 
 Who never since has cursed me to repay. 
 Nor vilified." 
 
 "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight — 
 
 With veneration I am overcome. 
 And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate — 
 He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state 
 The man is dumb." 
 
 Ariel Selp. 
 
 Injury, n. An offense next in degree of 
 enormity to a slight. 
 
 Injustice, «. A burden which of all those 
 that we load upon others and carry our- 
 selves is lightest in the hands and heaviest 
 upon the back. i 
 
 Ink, n. A villainous compound of tanno- 
 
166 
 
 gallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, 
 cliiefly used to facilitate the infection of 
 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The 
 properties of ink are peculiar and contra- 
 dictory : it may be used to make reputations 
 and unmake them; to blacken them and to 
 make them white; but it is most generally 
 and acceptably employed as a mortar to 
 bind together the stones in an edifice of 
 fame, and as a whitewash to conceal after- 
 ward the rascal quality of the material. 
 There are men called journalists who have 
 established ink baths which some persons 
 pay money to get into, others to get out of. 
 Not infrequently it occurs that a person who 
 has paid to get in pays twice as much to get 
 out. 
 
 Innate, ad'}. Natural, inherent — as innate 
 ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born 
 with, having had them previously imparted 
 to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one 
 of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, 
 being itself an innate idea and therefore 
 inaccessible to disproof, though Locke fool- 
 ishly supposed himself to have given it "a 
 black eye." Among innate ideas may be 
 mentioned the belief in one's ability to con- 
 
167 
 
 duct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's 
 country, in the superiority of one's civiliza- 
 tion, in the importance of one's personal 
 affairs and in the interesting nature of one's 
 diseases. 
 
 In'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and 
 other bowels. Many eminent investigators 
 do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that 
 acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. 
 Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious 
 organ known as the spleen is nothing less 
 than our immortal part. To the contrary. 
 Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's 
 soul is that prolongation of his spinal mar- 
 row which forms the pith of his no tail ; and 
 for demonstration of his faith points confid- 
 ently to the fact that tailed animals have 
 no souls. Concerning these two theories, it 
 is best to suspend judgment by believing 
 both. 
 
 Inscription, n. Something written on another 
 thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but 
 mostly memorial, intended to commemorate 
 the fame of some illustrious person and 
 hand down to distant ages the record of his 
 
168 
 
 services and virtues. To this class of inscrip- 
 tions belongs the name of John Smith, pen- 
 ciled on the Washington monument. Fol- 
 lowing are examples of memorial inscrip- 
 tions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) 
 
 "In the sky my soul is found, 
 And my body in the ground. 
 By and by my body'U rise 
 To my spirit in the skies, 
 Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 
 1878." 
 
 "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut 
 down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. 
 Indigenous." 
 
 "Affliction sore long time she boar, 
 
 Phisicians was in vain, 
 Till Deth released the dear deceased 
 And left her a remain. 
 Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." 
 
 "The clay that rests beneath this stone 
 
 As Silas Wood was widely known. 
 
 Now, lying here, I ask what good 
 
 It was to me to be S. Wood. 
 
 O Man, let not ambition trouble you. 
 
 Is the advice of Silas W." 
 
 "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 
 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 
 1874-" 
 
169 
 
 INSECTIVORA, n. 
 
 "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, 
 "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" 
 "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: 
 For us He has provided wrens and swallows." 
 
 Sempen Railey. 
 
 Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of 
 chance in which the player is permitted to 
 enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is 
 beating the man who keeps the table. 
 
 Insurance Agent: My dear sir, that is a fine 
 house — pray let me insure it. 
 
 House Owner: With pleasure. Please make the 
 annual premium so low that by the time when, ac- 
 cording to the tables of your actuary, it will probably 
 be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably 
 less than the face of the policy. 
 
 Insurance Agent: O dear, no — we could not 
 afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that 
 you will have paid more. 
 
 House Owner: How, then, can / afford that? 
 
 Insurance Agent: Why, your house may burn 
 down at any time. There was Smith's house, for 
 example, which — 
 
 House Owner: Spare me — there were Brown's 
 house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robin- 
 son's house, which — 
 
 Insurance Agent: Spare me/ 
 
170 
 
 House Owner: Let us understand each other. 
 You want me to pay you money on the supposition 
 that something will occur previously to the time set 
 by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you 
 expect me to bet that my house will not last so long 
 as you say that it will probably last. 
 
 Insurance Agent: But if your house burns with- 
 out insurance it will be a total loss. 
 
 House Owner: Beg your pardon — ^by your own 
 actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, when it 
 burns,, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid 
 to you — amounting to more than the face of the policy 
 they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, un- 
 insured, before the time upon which your figures are 
 based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it 
 were insured? 
 
 Insurance Agent: O, we should make ourselves 
 whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. 
 Virtually, they pay your loss. 
 
 House Owner: And virtually, then, don't I help 
 to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely 
 as mine to burn before they have paid you as much 
 as you must pay them? The case stands this way: 
 you expect to take more money from your clients than 
 you pay to them, do you not? 
 
 Insurance Agent: Certainly; if we did not — 
 
 House Owner: I would not trust you with my 
 money. Very well, then. If it is certain, with refer- 
 ence to the whole body of your clients, that they lose 
 money on you it is probable, with reference to any one 
 of them, that he will. It is these individual probabilit- 
 ies that make the aggregate certainty. 
 
171 
 
 Insurance Agent: I will not deny it — but look 
 at the figures in this pamph — 
 
 House Owner: Heaven forbid! 
 
 Insurance Agent: You spoke of saving the 
 premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will 
 you not be more likely to squander them? We offer 
 you an incentive to thrift. 
 
 House Owner: The willingness of A to take 
 care of B's money is not peculiar to insurance, but 
 as a charitable institution you command esteem. 
 Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving 
 Object. 
 
 Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolu- 
 tion. Disaffection's failure to substitute mis- 
 rule for bad government. 
 
 Intention, n. The mind's sense of the pre- 
 valence of one set of influences over another 
 set ; an effect whose cause is the imminence, 
 immediate or remote, of the performance of 
 an involuntary act. 
 
 Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons 
 of different languages to understand each 
 other by repeating to each what it would 
 have been to the interpreter's advantage for 
 the other to have said. 
 
 Interregnum, n. The period during which a 
 
172 
 
 monarchical country is governed by a warm 
 spot on the cushion of the throne. The ex- 
 periment of letting the spot grow cold has 
 commonly been attended by most unhappy 
 results from the zeal of many worthy per- 
 sons to make it warm again. 
 
 Intimacy^ n. A relation into which fools are 
 providentially drawn for their mutual de- 
 struction. 
 
 Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue 
 
 And one in white, together drew, 
 
 And having each a pleasant sense 
 
 Of t'other powder's excellence, 
 
 Forsoolt their jackets for the snug 
 
 Enjoyment of a common mug. 
 
 So close their intimacy grew 
 
 One paper would have held the two. 
 
 To confidences straight they fell. 
 
 Less anxious each to hear than tell; 
 
 Then each remorsefully confessed 
 
 To all the virtues he possessed. 
 
 Acknowledging he had them in 
 
 So high degree it was a sin. 
 
 The more they said, the more they felt 
 
 Their spirits with emotion melt, 
 
 Till tears of sentiment expressed 
 
 Their feelings. Then they effervesced! 
 
173 
 
 So Nature executes her feats 
 Of wrath on friends and sympathetes 
 The good old rule who won't apply, 
 That you are you and I am I. 
 
 Introduction, n. A social ceremony in- 
 vented by the devil for the gratification of 
 his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. 
 The introduction attains its most malevolent 
 development in this country, being, in- 
 deed, closely related to our political system. 
 Every American being the equal of every 
 other American, it follows that everybody 
 has the right to know everybody else, 
 which implies the right to introduce with- 
 out request or permission. The Declaration 
 of Independence should have read thus : 
 
 "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all 
 men are created equal; that they are endowed by their 
 Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among 
 these are life, and the right to make that of another 
 miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quant- 
 ity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty 
 to introduce persons to one another without jfirst 
 ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as 
 enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a 
 running pack of strangers." 
 
 Inventor, k. A person who makes an ingen- 
 
174 
 
 ious arrangement of wheels, levers and 
 springs, and believes it civilization. 
 
 IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great 
 faiths of the world. 
 
 Itch, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. 
 
 J is a consonant in English, but some nations 
 use it as a vowel — than which nothing could 
 be more absurd. Its original form, which 
 has been but slightly modified, was that of 
 the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a 
 letter but a character, standing for a Latin 
 verb, jacere, "to throw," because when a 
 stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail 
 assumes that shape. This is the origin of the 
 letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. 
 Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Bel- 
 grade, who established his conclusions on 
 the subject in a work of three quarto vol- 
 umes and committed suicide on being 
 reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet 
 had originally no curl. 
 
175 
 
 Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the 
 preservation of that which can be lost only 
 if not worth keeping. 
 
 Jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a 
 king's household, whose business it was to 
 amuse the court by ludicrous actions and 
 utterances, the absurdity being attested by 
 his motley costume. The king himself be- 
 ing attired with dignity, it took the world 
 some centuries to discover that his own con- 
 duct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous 
 for the amusement not only of his court but 
 of all mankind. The jester was commonly 
 called a fool, but the poets and romancers 
 have ever delighted to represent him as a 
 singularly wise and witty person. In the 
 circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the 
 court fool effects the dejection of humbler 
 audiences with the same jests wherewith 
 in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged 
 the patrician sense of humor and tapped the 
 tank of royal tears. 
 
 The widow-queen of Portugal 
 
 Had an audacious jester 
 Who entered the confessional 
 
 Disguised, and there confessed her. 
 
176 
 
 "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down — 
 
 My sins are more than scarlet: 
 I love my fool — blaspheming clown, 
 
 And common, base-born varlet." 
 
 "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, 
 
 "That sin, indeed, is awful: 
 The church's pardon is denied 
 
 To love that is unlawful. 
 
 "But since thy stubborn heart will be 
 
 For him forever pleading, 
 Thou'dst better make him, by decree, 
 
 A man of birth and breeding." 
 
 She made the fool a duke, in hope 
 
 With Heaven's taboo to palter; 
 Then told a priest, who told the Pope, 
 
 Who damned her from the altar! 
 
 Bar el Dort. 
 
 Jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, 
 played by holding it fast with the teeth and 
 trying to brush it away with the finger. 
 
 Joss-sticks, n. Small sticks burned by the 
 Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imita- 
 tion of certain sacred rites of our holy 
 religion. 
 
 Justice, «. A commodity which in a more or 
 
177 
 
 less adulterated condition the State sells to 
 the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, 
 taxes and personal service. 
 
 K 
 
 K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, 
 but it can be traced away back beyond them 
 to the Cerathians, a small commercial 
 nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. 
 In their tongue it was called Klatch, which 
 means "destroyed." The form of the letter 
 was originally precisely that of our H, but 
 the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it 
 was altered to its present shape to com- 
 memorate the destruction of the great 
 temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 
 730 B. C. This building was famous for the 
 two lofty columns of its portico, one of 
 which was broken in half by the catastrophe, 
 the other remaining intact. As the earlier 
 form of the letter is supposed to have been 
 suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought 
 by the great antiquary, its later was adopted 
 as a simple and natural — not to say touch- 
 ing — means of keeping the calamity ever in 
 the national memory. It is not known if 
 
178 
 
 the name of the letter was altered as an 
 additional mnemonic, or if the name was 
 always Klatch and the destruction one of 
 nature's puns. As each theory seems prob- 
 able enough, I see no objection to believing 
 both — and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on 
 that side of the question. 
 
 Keep, v. t. 
 
 He willed away his whole estate, 
 And then in death he fell asleep, 
 
 Murmuring: "Well, at any rate. 
 
 My name unblemished I shall keep." 
 
 But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought 
 
 Whose was it? — for the dead keep naught 
 
 Durang Gophel Arn- 
 
 Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nom- 
 inating a successor. 
 
 Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by 
 Scotchmen in America and Americans in 
 Scotland. 
 
 Kindness, «. A brief preface to ten volumes 
 of exaction. 
 
 King, n. A male person commonly known in 
 
179 
 
 America as a "crowned head," although he 
 never wears a crown and has usually no 
 head to speak of, 
 
 A king, in times long, long gone by. 
 
 Said to his lazy jester: 
 "If I were you and you were I 
 My moments merrily would fly — 
 
 No care nor grief to pester." 
 
 "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," 
 
 The fool said — "if you'll hear it — 
 Is that of all the fools alive 
 Who own you for their sovereign, I've 
 The most forgiving spirit." 
 
 Oogum Bern. 
 
 King's Evil, n. A malady that was formerly 
 cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has 
 now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 
 "the most pious Edward" of England used 
 to lay his royal hand upon his ailing subjects 
 and make them whole — 
 
 a crowd of wretched souls 
 That stay his cure: their malady convinces 
 The great essay of art; but at his touch. 
 Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, 
 They presently amend, 
 
 as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it This 
 
180 
 
 useful property of the royal hand could, it 
 appears, be transmitted along with other 
 crown properties; for according to "Mal- 
 colm, 
 
 ') 
 
 'tis spoken, 
 To the succeeding royalty he leaves 
 The healing benediction. 
 
 But the gift somewhere dropped out of 
 the line of succession: the later sovereigns 
 of England have not been tactual healers, 
 and the disease once honored with the name 
 "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of 
 "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date 
 and author of the following epigram are 
 known only to the author of this dictionary, 
 but it is old enough to show that the jest 
 about Scotland's national disorder is not 
 a thing of yesterday. 
 
 Y^ Kynge his evill in me laye, 
 Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. 
 He layde his hand on mine and sayd: 
 "Be gone!" Y« ill no longer stayd. 
 But O y= wofull plyght in wh. 
 I'm now y-pight: I have y= itche! 
 
 The superstition that maladies can be cured 
 by royal taction is dead, but like many a 
 
181 
 
 departed conviction it has left a monument 
 of custom to keep its memory green. The 
 practice of forming in line and shaking the 
 President's hand had no other origin, and 
 when that great dignitary bestows his heal- 
 ing salutation on 
 
 strangely visited people, 
 All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, 
 The mere despair of surgery, 
 
 he and his patients are handing along an 
 extinguished torch which once was kindled 
 at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all 
 classes of men. It is a beautiful and edify- 
 ing "survival" — one which brings the 
 sainted past close home to our "business and 
 bosoms." 
 
 Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a 
 rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, 
 in a general way, some kind of rite or cere- 
 mony appertaining to a good understand- 
 ing; but the manner of its performance is 
 unknown to this lexicographer. 
 
 Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. 
 
182 
 
 Knight, n. 
 
 Once a warrior gende of birth, 
 Then a person of civic worth, 
 Now a fellow to move our mirth. 
 Warrior, person, and fellow — no more: 
 We must knight our dogs to get any lower. 
 Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, 
 Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, 
 Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, 
 Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. 
 God speed the day when this knighting fad 
 Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. 
 
 Koran, n. A book which the Mohammedans 
 foolishly believe to have been written by 
 divine inspiration, but which Christians 
 know to be a wicked imposture, contradict- 
 ory to the Holy Scriptures. 
 
 Labor, n. One of the processes by which A 
 acquires property for B. 
 
 Land, «. A part of the earth's surface, con- 
 sidered as property. The theory that land 
 is property subject to private ownership 
 and control is the foundation of modern 
 
183 
 
 society, and is eminently worthy of the 
 superstructure. Carried to its logical conclu- 
 sion, it means that some have the right to 
 prevent others from living; for the right to 
 own implies the right exclusively to occupy; 
 and in fact laws of trespass are enacted 
 wherever property in land is recognized. It 
 follows that if the whole area of terra firma 
 is owned by A, B and C, there will be no 
 place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, 
 born as trespassers, to exist, 
 
 A life on the ocean wave, 
 
 A home on the rolling deep, 
 For the spark that nature gave 
 
 I have there the right to keep. 
 
 They give me the cat-o'-nine 
 
 Whenever I go ashore. 
 Then ho ! for the flashing brine — 
 
 I'm a natural commodore! 
 
 Dodle. 
 
 Language^ n. The music with which we 
 charm the serpents guarding another's 
 treasure. 
 
 LaocoON, n. A famous piece of antique sculpt- 
 ure representing a priest of that name and 
 
184 
 
 his two sons in the folds of two enormous 
 serpents. The skill and diligence with 
 which the old man and lads support the 
 serpents and keep them up to their work 
 have been justly regarded as one of the 
 noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery 
 of human intelligence over brute inertia. 
 
 Lap, n. One of the most important organs of 
 the female system — an admirable provision 
 of nature for the repose of infancy, but 
 chiefly useful in rural festivities to support 
 plates of cold chicken and heads of adult 
 males. The male of our species has a rudi- 
 mentary lap, imperfectly developed and in 
 no way contributing to the animal's sub- 
 stantial welfare. 
 
 Last, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by 
 a frowning Providence as opportunity to 
 the maker of puns. 
 
 Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, 
 
 Where the cobbler is unknown, 
 So that I might forget his last 
 
 And hear your own. 
 
 Gargo Repsky, 
 
185 
 
 Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, pro- 
 ducing a distortion of the features and 
 accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is 
 infectious and, though intermittent, incur- 
 able. Liability to attacks of laughter is one 
 of the characteristics distinguishing man 
 from the animals — these being not only 
 inaccessible to the provocation of his exam- 
 ple, but impregnable to the microbes hav- 
 ing original jurisdiction in bestowal of the 
 disease. Whether laughter could be im- 
 parted to animals by inoculation from the 
 human patient is a question that has not been 
 answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir 
 Witchell holds that the infectious charac- 
 ter of laughter is due to instantaneous fer- 
 mentation of sputa diffused in a spray. 
 From this peculiarity he names the disorder 
 Convulsio spargens. 
 
 Laureate, adj. Crowned with leaves of the 
 laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is 
 an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as 
 dancing skeleton at every royal feast and 
 singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all 
 incumbents of that high office, Robert 
 Southey had the most notable knack at 
 drugging the Samson of public joy and cut- 
 
186 
 
 ting his hair to the quick; and he had an art- 
 istic color-sense which enabled him so to 
 blacken a public grief as to give it the 
 aspect of a national crime. 
 
 Laurel^ n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated 
 to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to 
 wreathe the brows of victors and such poets 
 as had influence at court. {Vide Supra.) 
 
 Law, n. 
 
 Once Law was sitting on the bench, 
 
 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 
 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 
 
 Nor come before me creeping. 
 Upon your knees if you appear, 
 Tis plain your have no standing here." 
 
 Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 
 "Your status? — devil seize you!" 
 
 "Arnica curiae," she replied — 
 
 "Friend of the court, so please you." 
 
 "Begone I" he shouted — "there's the door — 
 
 I never saw your face before!" 
 
 G. J. 
 
 Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of 
 a judge having jurisdiction. 
 
187 
 
 Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of 
 the law. 
 
 Laziness, n. Unwarranted repose of manner 
 in a person of low degree. 
 
 Lead, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used 
 in giving stability to light lovers — particul- 
 arly to those who love not wisely but other 
 men's wives. Lead is also of great service 
 as a counterpoise to an argument of such 
 weight that it turns the scale of debate the 
 wrong way. An interesting fact in the 
 chemistry of international controversy is 
 that at the point of contact of two patriot- 
 isms lead is precipitated in great quantities. 
 
 Hail, holy Lead! — of human feuds the great 
 And universal arbiter; endowed 
 With penetration to pierce any cloud 
 
 Fogging the field of controversial hate, 
 
 And with a swift, inevitable, straight, 
 Searching precision find the unavowed 
 But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed 
 
 By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. 
 
 O useful metal! — ^were it not for thee 
 We'd grapple one another's ears alway: 
 
 But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee 
 
 We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." 
 
 And when the quick have run away like pullets 
 
 Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 
 
188 
 
 Learning, n. The kind of ignorance disting- 
 uishing the studious. 
 
 Lecturer, «. One with his hand in your 
 pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith 
 in your patience. 
 
 Legacy, n. A gift from one who is legging 
 it out of this vale of tears. 
 
 Leonine, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leon- 
 ine verses are those in which a word in the 
 , middle of a line rhymes with a word at the 
 end, as in this famous passage from Bella 
 Peeler Silcox: 
 
 The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. 
 Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores : "O tempera ! O mores !" 
 
 It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox 
 does not undertake to teach the pronuncia- 
 ation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leon- 
 ine verses are so called in honor of a poet 
 named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find 
 a pleasure in believing to have been the first 
 to discover that a rhyming couplet could be 
 run into a single line. 
 
189 
 
 Lettuce^ «. An herb of the genus Lactuca, 
 "Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, 
 Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to 
 reward the good and punish the wicked. 
 For by his inner light the righteous man has 
 discerned a manner of compounding for it 
 a dressing to the appetency whereof a multi- 
 tude of gustible condiments conspire, being 
 reconciled and ameliorated with profusion 
 of oil, the entire comestible making glad 
 the heart of the godly and causing his face to 
 shine. But the person of spiritual unworth 
 is successfully tempted of the Adversary to 
 eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, must- 
 ard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal 
 bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. 
 Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth 
 suffers an intestinal pang of strange com- 
 plexity and raises the song." 
 
 Leviathan, n. An enormous aquatic animal 
 mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have 
 been the whale, but that distinguished 
 ichthyologer. Dr. Jordan, of Stanford Uni- 
 versity, maintains with considerable heat 
 that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole, 
 {Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — 
 Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive 
 
190 
 
 description and history of the Tadpole con- 
 sult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, 
 Thaddeus of Warsaw. 
 
 Lexicographer, n. A pestilent fellow who, 
 under the pretense of recording some part- 
 icular stage in the development of a 
 language, does what he can to arrest its 
 growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize 
 its methods. For your lexicographer, hav- 
 ing written his dictionary, comes to be con- 
 sidered "as one having authority," whereas 
 his function is only to make a record, not to 
 give a law. The natural servility of the 
 human understanding having invested him 
 with judicial power, surrenders its right of 
 reason and submits itself to a chronicle as 
 if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for 
 example) mark a good word as "obsolete" 
 or "obsolescent" and few men thereafter 
 venture to use it, whatever their need of it 
 and however desirable its restoration to fa- 
 vor — whereby the process of impoverish- 
 ment is accelerated and speech decays. On 
 the contrary, the bold and discerning writer 
 who, recognizing the truth that language 
 must grow by innovation if it grow at all, 
 makes new words and uses the old in an un- 
 
191 
 
 familiar sense, has no following and is tartly 
 reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" — 
 although down to the time of the first lexi- 
 cographer (Heaven forgive him!) no 
 author ever had used a word that was in the 
 dictionary. In the golden prime and high 
 noon of English speech ; when from the lips 
 of the great Elizabethans fell words that 
 made their own meaning and carried it in 
 their very sound; when a Shakspeare and 
 a Bacon were possible, and the language 
 now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly 
 renewed at the other was in vigorous growth 
 and hardy preservation — sweeter than honey 
 and stronger than a lion — the lexicographer 
 was a person unknown, the dictionary a 
 creation which his Creator had not created 
 him to create. 
 
 God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," 
 And lexicographers arose, a swarm! 
 Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, 
 And catalogued each garment in a book. 
 Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: 
 "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise 
 And scan the list, and say without compassion: 
 "Excuse us — they are mostly out of fashion." 
 
 Sigismund Smith. 
 
 LlARj ra. A lawyer with a roving commission. 
 
192 
 
 Liberty, «. One of Imagination's most prec- 
 ious possessions. 
 
 The rising People, hot and out of breath, 
 Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!" 
 "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; 
 You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." 
 
 Martha Braymance. 
 
 Lickspittle, n. A useful functionary, not in- 
 frequently found editing a newspaper. In 
 his character of editor he is closely allied 
 to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional 
 identity; for in truth the lickspittle is only 
 the blackmailer under another aspect, 
 though the latter is frequently found as an 
 independent species. Lickspittling is more 
 detestable than blackmailing, precisely as 
 the business of a confidence man is more 
 detestable than that of a highway robber; 
 and the parallel maintains itself through- 
 out, for whereas few robbers will cheat, 
 every sneak will plunder if he dare. 
 
 LiFEj n. A spiritual pickle preserving the 
 body from decay. We live in daily appre- 
 hension of its loss; yet when lost it is not 
 missed. The question, "Is life worth liv- 
 ing?" has been much discussed; particularly 
 
193 
 
 by those who think it is not, many of whom 
 have written at great length in support of 
 their view and by careful observance of the 
 laws of health enjoyed for long terms of 
 years the honors of successful controversy. 
 
 "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," 
 Carelessly caroled the golden youth. 
 In manhood still he maintained that view 
 And held it more strongly the older he grew. 
 When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, 
 "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. 
 
 Han Soper. 
 
 Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the sea- 
 shore in which the government maintains a 
 lamp and the friend of a politician. 
 
 Limb, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of 
 an American woman. 
 
 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, 
 
 And the salesman laced them tight 
 
 To a very remarkable height — 
 Higher, indeed, than I think he ought — 
 
 Higher than can be right. 
 For the Bible declares — ^but never mind: 
 
 It is hardly fit 
 To censure freely and fault to find 
 With others for sins that I'm not inclined 
 
 Myself to commit. 
 
194 
 
 Each has his weakness, and though my own 
 
 Is freedom from every sin, 
 
 It still were unfair to pitch in, 
 Discharging the first censorious stone. 
 Besides, the truth compels me to say, 
 The boots in question were made that way. 
 As he drew the lace she made a grimace, 
 
 And blushingly said to him: 
 "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, 
 It hurts my — hurts my — limb." 
 The salesman smiled in a manner mild, 
 Like an artless, undesigning child; 
 Then, checking himself, to his face he gave 
 A look as sorrowful as the grave. 
 
 Though he didn't care two figs 
 For her pains and throes. 
 As he stroked her toes. 
 Remarking with speech and manner just 
 Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust 
 
 That it doesn't hurt your twigs." 
 
 B. Percival Dike. 
 
 Linen, n. "A kind of cloth the making of 
 which, when made of hemp, entails a great 
 waste of hemp." — Galcraft the Hangman. 
 
 Litigant^ «. A person about to give up his 
 skin for the hope of retaining his bones. 
 
 Litigation, n. A machine which you go into 
 as a pig and come out of as a sausage. 
 
195 
 
 LlVER^ n. A large red organ thoughtfully 
 provided by nature to be bilious with. The 
 sentiments and emotions which every liter- 
 ary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart 
 were anciently believed to infest the liver; 
 and even Gascoygne, speaking of the 
 emotional side of human nature, calls it 
 "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time 
 considered the seat of life ; hence its name — 
 liver, the thing we live with. The liver is 
 heaven's best gift to the goose; without it 
 that bird would be unable to supply us with 
 the Strasbourg pate. 
 
 LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legump- 
 tionorum Doctor, one learned in laws, gifted 
 with legal gumption. Some suspicion is 
 cast upon this derivation by the fact that the 
 title was formerly £,£,.d., and conferred 
 only upon gentlemen distinguished for their 
 wealth. At the date of this writing Colum- 
 bia University is considering the expediency 
 of making another degree for clergymen, in 
 place of the old D.D. — Damnator Dtaboli. 
 The new honor will be known as Sanctorum 
 Custus, and written $$c. The name of the 
 Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a 
 suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, 
 
196 
 
 who points out that Professor Harry Thurs- 
 ton Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of 
 a degree. 
 
 LOCK-AND-KEY^ n. The distinguishing device 
 of civilization and enlightenment. 
 
 Lodger, n. A less popular name for the Sec- 
 ond Person of that delectable newspaper 
 Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder and the 
 Mealer. 
 
 Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning 
 in strict accordance with the limitations and 
 incapacities of the human misunderstand- 
 ing. The basic of logic is the syllogism, 
 consisting of a major and a minor premise 
 and a conclusion — thus: 
 
 Major Premise : Sixty men can do a piece 
 of work sixty times as quickly as one man. 
 
 Minor Premise : One man can dig a post- 
 hole in sixty seconds; therefore — 
 
 Conclusion : Sixty men can dig a post- 
 hole in one second. 
 
 This may be called the syllogism arith- 
 metical, in which, by combining logic and 
 mathematics, we obtain a double certainty 
 and are twice blessed. 
 
197 
 
 Logomachy, n. A war in which the weapons 
 are words and the wounds punctures in the 
 swim-bladder of self-esteem — a kind of con- 
 test in which, the vanquished being uncon- 
 scious of defeat, the victor is denied the 
 reward of success. 
 
 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men 
 That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. 
 Alas! we cannot know if this is true, 
 For reading Milton's wit we perish too. 
 
 Longanimity^ n. The disposition to en- 
 dure injury with meek forbearance while 
 maturing a plan of revenge. 
 
 Longevity, «. Uncommon extension of the 
 fear of death. 
 
 Looking-glass, «. A vitreous plane upon 
 which to display a fleeting show for man's 
 disillusion given. 
 
 The King of Manchuria had a magic 
 looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, 
 not his own image, but only that of the king. 
 A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the 
 king's favor and was thereby enriched be- 
 yond any other subject of the realm, said to 
 the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful 
 
198 
 
 mirror, so that when absent out of thine 
 august presence I may yet do homage before 
 thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night 
 and morning in the glory of thy benign 
 countenance, as which nothing has so divine 
 splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!" 
 Pleased with the speech, the king com- 
 manded that the mirror be conveyed to the 
 courtier's palace; but after, having gone 
 thither without apprisal, he found it in an 
 apartment where was naught but idle lum- 
 ber. And the mirror was dimmed with 
 dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so 
 angered him that he fisted it hard, shatter- 
 ing the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged 
 all the more by this mischance, he com- 
 manded that the ungrateful courtier be 
 thrown into prison, and that the glass be 
 repaired and taken back to his own palace; 
 and this was done. But when the king 
 looked again on the mirror he saw not his 
 image as before, but only the figure of a 
 crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on 
 one of its hinder hooves — as the artificers 
 and all who had looked upon it had before 
 discerned but feared to report. Taught 
 wisdom and charity, the king restored his 
 courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into 
 
199 
 
 the back of the throne and reigned many 
 years with justice and humility; and one 
 day when he fell asleep in death while on 
 the throne, the whole court saw in the mir- 
 ror the luminous figure of an angel, which 
 remains to this day. 
 
 Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the 
 sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you 
 wish to talk. 
 
 Lord, n. In American society, an English 
 tourist above the state of a costermonger, as. 
 Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so 
 forth. The traveling Briton of lesser 
 degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry 
 Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word 
 "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of 
 the Supreme Being; but this is thought to 
 be rather flattery than true reverence. 
 
 Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, 
 
 Wedded a wandering English lord — 
 
 Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," 
 
 A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. 
 
 Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare 
 
 Unworthy the father-in-legal care 
 
 Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth 
 
 That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; 
 
 For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage 
 
200 
 
 Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. 
 Among them, cupidity caused him to urge 
 Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, 
 Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw 
 Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, 
 And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, 
 To the business of being a lord himself. 
 His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed 
 And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; 
 Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear 
 A whisker that looked like a blasted career. 
 He painted his neck an incarnadine hue 
 Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. 
 The moony monocular set in his eye 
 Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. 
 His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, 
 And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. 
 In speech he eschewed his American ways, 
 Denying his nose to the use of his A's 
 And dulling their edge till the delicate sense 
 Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. 
 His H's — 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, 
 The patter they made as they fell at his feet! 
 Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear 
 Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. 
 Alas, the Divinity shaping his end 
 Entertained other views and decided to send 
 His lordship in horror, despair and dismay 
 From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. 
 For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde 
 Fell — suffering Caesar! — in love with her dad! 
 
 G. J. 
 
201 
 
 Lore, «. Learning — particularly that sort 
 which is not derived from a regular course 
 of instruction but comes of the reading of 
 occult books, or by nature. This latter is 
 commonly designated as folk-lore and em- 
 braces popularly myths and superstitions. 
 In Baring-Gould's Curious Myths of the 
 Middle Ages the reader will find many of 
 these traced backward, through various 
 peoples on converging lines, toward a com- 
 mon origin in remote antiquity. Among 
 these are the fables of "Teddy the Giant 
 Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp 
 Williams," "Little Red Riding Hood and 
 the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Bris- 
 bane," "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," 
 "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The 
 fable which Goethe so affectingly re- 
 lates under the title of "The Erl-King" was 
 known two thousand years ago in Greece as 
 "The Demos and the Infant Industry." 
 One of the most general and ancient of these 
 myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and 
 the Forty Rockefellers." 
 
 Loss, «. Privation of that which we had, or 
 had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is 
 said of a defeated candidate that he "lost 
 
202 
 
 his election" ; and of that eminent man, the 
 poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It 
 is in the former and more legitimate sense, 
 that the word is used in the famous epitaph : 
 
 Here Huntington's ashes long have lain 
 Whose loss is our own eternal gain, 
 For while he exercised all his powers 
 Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. 
 
 Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by 
 marriage or by removal of the patient from 
 the influences under which he incurred the 
 disorder. This disease, like caries and many 
 other ailments, is prevalent only among 
 civilized races living under artificial condi- 
 tions; barbarous nations breathing pure air 
 and eating simple food enjoy immunity 
 from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but 
 more frequently to the physician than to the 
 patient. 
 
 Low-bred, adj. "Raised" instead of brought 
 up. 
 
 Luminary, n. One who throws light upon a 
 subject; as an editor by not writing about it. 
 
 Lunarian, «. An inhabitant of the moon, as 
 
203 
 
 distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the 
 moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been 
 described by Lucian, Locke and other ob- 
 servers, but without much agreement. For 
 example, Bragellos avers their anatomical 
 identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb 
 says they are more like the hill tribes of 
 Vermont. 
 
 Lyre^ n. An ancient instrument of torture. 
 The word is now used in a figurative sense 
 to denote the poetic faculty, as in the follow- 
 ing fiery lines of our great poet, Ella 
 Wheeler Wilcox : 
 
 I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, 
 And pick with care the disobedient wire. 
 The stupid shepherd lolling on his crook 
 With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. 
 I bide my time, and it shall come at length, 
 When, with a Titan's energy and strength, 
 I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, 
 The world shall suffer when I let them go! 
 
 Farquharson Harris. 
 
 M 
 
 Mace, n. A staff of office signifying authority. 
 Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its 
 
204 
 
 original purpose and use in dissuading from 
 dissent. 
 
 Machination, n. The method employed by 
 one's opponents in baffling one's open and 
 honorable efforts to do the right thing. 
 
 So plain the advantages of machination 
 
 It constitutes a moral obligation, 
 
 And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing 
 
 Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. 
 
 So prospers still the diplomatic art, 
 
 And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. 
 
 R. S. K. 
 
 Macrobian, n. One forgotten of the gods 
 and living to a great age. History is abund- 
 antly supplied with examples, from Methu- 
 selah to Old Parr, but some notable in- 
 stances of longevity are less well known. A 
 Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 
 1753, lived so long that he had what he 
 considered a glimpse of the dawn of uni- 
 versal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew 
 an archbishop who was so old that he could 
 remember a time when he did not deserve 
 hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, 
 England, declared that he had lived five 
 hundred years, and that in all that time he 
 
205 
 
 had never told a lie. There are instances of 
 longevity {macrobiosis) in our own country. 
 Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to 
 know better. The editor of The American, 
 a newspaper in New York City, has a mem- 
 ory that goes back to the time when he was a 
 rascal, but not to the fact The President 
 of the United States was born so long ago 
 that many of the friends of his youth have 
 risen to high political and military prefer- 
 ment without the assistance of personal 
 merit. The verses following were written 
 by a macrobian : 
 
 When I was young the world was fair 
 
 And amiable and sunny. 
 A brightness was in all the air, 
 
 In all the waters, honey. 
 
 The jokes were fine and funny. 
 The statesmen honest in their views, 
 
 And in their lives, as well. 
 And when you heard a bit of news 
 
 'Twas true enough to tell. 
 Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking; 
 Nor women "generally speaking." 
 
 The Summer then was long indeed: 
 
 It lasted one whole season! 
 The sparkling Winter gave no heed 
 
 When ordered by Unreason 
 
206 
 
 To bring the early peas on. 
 Now, where the dickens is the sense 
 
 In calling that a year 
 Which does no more than just commence 
 
 Before the end is near? 
 When I was young the year extended 
 From month to month until it ended. 
 
 I know not why the world has changed 
 
 To something dark and dreary, 
 And everything is now arranged 
 
 To make a fellow weary. 
 
 The Weather Man — I fear he 
 Has much to do with it, for, sure, 
 
 The air is not the same : 
 It chokes you when it is impure. 
 
 When pure it makes you lame. 
 With windows closed you are asthmatic; 
 Open, neuralgic or sciatic. 
 
 Well, I suppose this new regime 
 
 Of dun degeneration 
 Seems eviler than it would seem 
 
 To a better observation. 
 
 And has for compensation 
 Some blessings in a deep disguise 
 
 Which mortal sight has failed 
 To pierce, although to angels' eyes 
 
 They're visibly unveiled. 
 If Age IS such a boon, good land! 
 He's costumed by a master hand ! 
 
 Venable Strigg. 
 
207 
 
 Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of 
 intellectual independence; not conforming 
 to standards of thought, speech and action 
 derived by the conformants from study of 
 themselves; at odds with the majority; in 
 short, unusual. It is noteworthy that per- 
 sons are pronounced mad by officials destit- 
 ute of evidence that themselves are sane. 
 For illustration, this present (and illus- 
 trious) lexicographer is no firmer in the 
 faith of his own sanity than is any inmate 
 of any madhouse in the land ; yet for aught 
 he knows to the contrary, instead of the 
 lofty occupation that seems to him to be 
 engaging his powers he may really be beat- 
 ing his hands against the window bars of 
 an asylum and declaring himself Noah 
 Webster, to the innocent delight of many 
 thoughtless spectators. 
 
 Magdalene^ n. An inhabitant of Magdala. 
 Popularly, a woman found out. This defini- 
 tion of the word has the authority of ignor- 
 ance, Mary of Magdala being another per- 
 son than the penitent woman mentioned by 
 St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of 
 the governments of Great Britain and the 
 United States. In England the word is pro- 
 
208 
 
 nounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adject- 
 ive, unpleasantly sentimental. With their 
 Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bed- 
 lam for Bethlehem, the English may justly 
 boast themselves the greatest of revisers. 
 
 Magic, n. An art of converting superstition 
 into coin. There are other arts serving the 
 same high purpose, but the discreet lexic- 
 ographer does not name them. 
 
 Magnet, n. Something acted upon by magnet- 
 ism. 
 
 Magnetism, n. Something acting upon a 
 magnet. 
 
 The two definitions immediately forego- 
 ing are condensed from the works of one 
 thousand eminent scientists, who have il- 
 luminated the subject with a great white 
 light, to the inexpressible advancement of 
 human knowledge. 
 
 Magnificent, adj. Having a grandeur or 
 splendor superior to that to which the spect- 
 ator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to 
 a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a 
 maggot. 
 
209 
 
 Magnitude, «. Size. Magnitude being 
 purely relative, nothing is large and nothing 
 small. If everything in the universe were 
 increased in bulk one thousand diameters 
 nothing would be any larger than it was 
 before, but if one thing remained unchanged 
 all the others would be larger than they had 
 been. To an understanding familiar with 
 the relativity of magnitude and distance the 
 spaces and masses of the astronomer would 
 be no more impressive than those of the 
 microscopist. For anything we know to 
 the contrary, the visible universe may be a 
 small part of an atom, with its component 
 ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous 
 ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee 
 creatures peopling the corpuscles of our 
 own blood are overcome with the proper 
 emotion when contemplating the unthink- 
 able distance from one of these to another. 
 
 Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposi- 
 tion suggested to some one that it might be 
 taught to talk. 
 
 Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex 
 addicted to clewless conduct and views that 
 madden to crime. The genus has a wide 
 
210 
 
 geographical distribution, being found 
 wherever sought and deplored wherever 
 found. The maiden is not altogether un- 
 pleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano 
 and her views) insupportable to the ear, 
 though in respect to comeliness distinctly in- 
 ferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 
 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of 
 the field by the canary — ^which, also, is more 
 portable. 
 
 A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang — 
 
 This quaint, sweet song sang she : 
 "It's O for a youth with a football bang 
 And a muscle fair to see! 
 The Captain he 
 Of a team to be! 
 On the gridiron fie shall shine, 
 A monarch by right divine, 
 
 And never to roast on it — me!" 
 
 Opaline Jones. 
 
 Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. 
 Regarded with a just contempt by the Most 
 Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancell- 
 ors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potent- 
 ates of the ancient and honorable orders of 
 republican America. 
 
 Male, n A member of the unconsidered, or 
 
211 
 
 negligible sex. The male of the human race 
 is commonly known (to the female) as 
 Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: 
 good providers and bad providers. 
 
 Malefactor, n. The chief factor in the 
 progress of the human race. 
 
 Malthusian^ adj. Pertaining to Malthus and 
 his doctrines. Malthus believed in artific- 
 ially limiting population, but found that it 
 could not be done by talking. One of the 
 most practical exponents of the Malthusian 
 idea was Herod of Judea, though all the 
 famous soldiers have been of the same way 
 of thinking. 
 
 Mammalia, n. pi. A family of vertebrate 
 animals whose females in a state of nature 
 suckle their young, but when civilized and 
 enlightened put them out to nurse, or use 
 the bottle. 
 
 Mammon, «. The god of the world's lead- 
 ing religion. His chief temple is in the 
 holy city of New York. 
 
 He swore that all other religions were gammon, 
 And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. 
 
 Jared Oopf. 
 
212 
 
 Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous con- 
 templation of what he thinks he is as to over- 
 look what he indubitably ought to be. His 
 chief occupation is extermination of other 
 animals and his own species, which, how- 
 ever, multiplies with such insistent rapidity 
 as to infest the whole habitable earth and 
 Canada. 
 
 When the world was young and Man was new, 
 
 And everything was pleasant, 
 Distinctions Nature never drew 
 
 'Mongst king and priest and peasant. 
 
 We're not that way at present. 
 Save here in this Republic, where 
 
 We have that old regime. 
 For all are kings, however bare 
 
 Their backs, howe'er extreme 
 Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice 
 To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. 
 
 A citizen who would not vote, 
 
 And, therefore, was detested. 
 Was one day with a tarry coat 
 
 (With feathers backed and breasted) 
 
 By patriots invested. 
 "It is your duty," cried the crowd, 
 
 "Your ballot true to cast 
 For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, 
 
 And explained his wicked past: 
 
213 
 
 "That's what I very gladly would have done, 
 Dear patriots, but he has never run." 
 
 Apperton Duke. 
 
 Manes, n. The immortal parts of dead 
 Greeks and Romans. They were in a state 
 of dull discomfort until the bodies from 
 which they had exhaled were buried and 
 burned ; and they seem not to have been par- 
 ticularly happy afterward. 
 
 Manicheism, n. The ancient Persian doctrine 
 of an incessant warfare between Good and 
 Evil. When Good gave up the fight the 
 Persians joined the victorious Opposition. 
 
 Manna, n. A food miraculously given to the 
 Israelites in the wilderness. When it was 
 no longer supplied to them they settled 
 down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a 
 rule, with the bodies of the original occu- 
 pants. 
 
 Marriage, n. The state or condition of a com- 
 munity consisting of a master, a mistress and 
 two slaves, making in all, two. 
 
 Martyr, n. One who moves along the line of 
 least reluctance to a desired death. 
 
214i 
 
 Material, adj. Having an actual existence, 
 as distinguished from an imaginary one. 
 Important. 
 
 Material things I know, or feel, or see; 
 All else is immaterial to me. 
 
 Jamarach Holobom. 
 
 Mausoleum, «. The final and funniest folly 
 of the rich. 
 
 Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which 
 serve the French in place of a state religion. 
 
 Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The 
 personal pronoun in English has three cases, 
 the dominative, the objectionable and the 
 oppressive. Each is all three. 
 
 Meander, n. To proceed sinuously and aim- 
 lessly. The word is the ancient name of a 
 river about one hundred and fifty miles 
 south of Troy, which turned and twisted in 
 the effort to get out of hearing when the 
 Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prow- 
 ess. 
 
 Medal, n. A small rnetal disk given as a 
 
215 
 
 reward for virtues, attainments or services 
 more or less authentic. 
 
 It is related of Bismark, who had been 
 awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a 
 drowning person, that, being asked the 
 meaning of the medal, he replied: "I save 
 lives sometimes." And sometimes he didn't. 
 
 Medicine, n. A stone flung down the Bowery 
 to kill a dog in Broadway. 
 
 Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in plann- 
 ing a revenge that is worth while. 
 
 M is for Moses, 
 
 Who slew the Egyptian. 
 As sweet as a rose is 
 The meekness of Moses. 
 No monument shows his 
 
 Post-mortem inscription, 
 But M is for Moses, 
 
 Who slew the Egyptian. 
 
 The Biographical Alphabet. 
 
 Meerschaum, n. (Literally, seafoam, and 
 by many erroneously supposed to be made 
 of it.) A fine white clay, which for conven- 
 ience in coloring it brown is made into 
 tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen 
 
216 
 
 engaged in that industry. The purpose of 
 coloring it has not been disclosed by the 
 manufacturers. 
 
 There was a youth (you've heard before, 
 
 This wofultale, may be), 
 Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore 
 
 That color it would he! 
 
 He shut himself from the world away, 
 
 Nor any soul he saw. 
 He smoked by night, he smoked'by day. 
 
 As hard as he could draw. 
 
 His dog died moaning in the wrath 
 
 Of winds that blew aloof ; 
 The weeds were in the gravel path, 
 
 The owl was on the roof. 
 
 "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," 
 
 The neighbors sadly say. 
 And so they batter in the door 
 
 To take his goods away. 
 
 Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, 
 
 Nut-brown in face and limb. 
 "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, 
 
 "But it has colored him !" 
 
 The moral there's small need to sing — 
 
 'Tis plain as day to you: 
 Don't play your game on any thing 
 
 That is a gamester too. 
 
 Martin Bulstrode, 
 
217 
 
 Mendacious, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. 
 
 Merchant, n. One engaged in a commercial 
 pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in 
 which the thing pursued is a dollar. 
 
 Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected 
 offenders. 
 
 Mesmerism, n. Hypnotism before it wore 
 good clothes, kept a carriage and asked 
 Incredulity to dinner. 
 
 Metropolis, n. A stronghold of provinc- 
 ialism. 
 
 Millennium, n. The period of a thousand 
 years when the lid is to be screwed down, 
 with all reformers on the under side. 
 
 Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter 
 secreted by the brain. Its chief activity con- 
 sists in the endeavor to ascertain its own 
 nature, the futility of the attempt being due 
 to the fact that it has nothing but itself to 
 know itself with. From the Latin mens, 
 a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, 
 who, observing that his learned competitor 
 
218 
 
 over the way had displayed the motto 
 "Mens conscia recti," emblazoned his own 
 shop front with the words "Men's, women's 
 and children's conscia recti." 
 
 Mine, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold 
 or seize it. 
 
 Minister, n. An agent of a higher power 
 with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy 
 an officer sent into a foreign country as the 
 visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostil- 
 ity. His principal qualification is a degree 
 of plausible inveracity next below that of an 
 ambassador. 
 
 Minor, adj. Less objectionable. 
 
 Minstrel, ad]. Formerly a poet, singer or 
 musician; now a nigger with a color less 
 than skin deep and a humor more than flesh 
 and blood can bear. 
 
 Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order 
 of nature and unaccountable, as beating a 
 normal hand of four kings and an ace with 
 four aces and a king. 
 
219 
 
 Miscreant, n. A person of the highest de- 
 gree of unworth. Etymologically, the word 
 means unbeliever, and its present significa- 
 tion may be regarded as theology's noblest 
 contribution to the development of our 
 language. 
 
 Misdemeanor, «. An infraction of the law 
 having less dignity than a felony and constit- 
 uting no claim to admittance into the best 
 criminal society. 
 
 By misdemeanors he essayed to climb 
 
 Into the aristocraqr of crime. 
 
 O, woe was him ! — ^with manner chill and grand 
 
 "Captains of industry" refused his hand, 
 
 "Kings of finance" denied him recognition 
 
 And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. 
 
 He robbed a bank to make himself respected. 
 
 They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. 
 
 S. V. Hanipur. 
 
 MiSERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval 
 warfare was used by the foot soldier to re- 
 mind an unhorsed knight that he was 
 mortal. 
 
 Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that 
 never misses. 
 
220 
 
 Miss, n. A title with which we brand un- 
 married women to indicate that they are 
 in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and 
 Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly 
 disagreeable words in the language, in sound 
 and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, 
 the other of Master. In the general aboli- 
 tion of social titles in this our country they 
 miraculously escaped to plague us. If we 
 must have them let us be consistent and 
 give one to the unmarried man. I venture 
 to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. 
 
 Molecule, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit 
 of matter. It is distinguished from the cor- 
 puscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 
 matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, 
 also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. 
 Three great scientific theories of the struct- 
 ure of the universe are the molecular, the 
 corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth af- 
 firms, with Haeckel, the condensation or 
 precipitation of matter from ether — ^whose 
 existence is proved by the condensation or 
 precipitation. The present trend of scient- 
 ific thought is toward the theory of ions. 
 The ion differs from the molecule, the cor- 
 puscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A 
 
221 
 
 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubt- 
 ful if they know any more about the matter 
 than the others. 
 
 Monad, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of 
 matter. (See Molecule.) According to 
 Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to 
 be understood, the monad has body without 
 bulk, and mind without manifestation — 
 Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of 
 considering. He has founded upon him a 
 theory of the universe, which the creature 
 bears without resentment, for the monad is 
 a gentleman. Small as he is, the monad con- 
 tains all the powers and possibilities need- 
 ful to his evolution into a German phil- 
 osopher of the first class — altogether a very 
 capable little fellow. He is not to be con- 
 founded with the microbe, or bacillus; by 
 its inability to discern him, a good micro- 
 scope shows him to be of an entirely distinct 
 species. 
 
 Monarch, n. A person engaged in reigning. 
 Formerly the monarch ruled, as the deriva- 
 tion of the word attests, and as many sub- 
 jects have had occasion to learn. In Russia 
 and the Orient the monarch has still a con- 
 
222 
 
 siderable influence in public affairs and in 
 the disposition of the human head, but in 
 western Europe political administration is 
 mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being 
 somewhat preoccupied with reflections re- 
 lating to the status of his own head. 
 
 Monarchical Government, «. Govern- 
 ment. 
 
 Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day 
 after the baseball game. 
 
 Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage 
 to us excepting when we part with it. An 
 evidence of culture and a passport to polite 
 society. Supportable property. 
 
 Monkey, n. An arboreal animal which 
 makes itself at home in genealogical trees. 
 
 Monosyllabic, adj. Composed of words of 
 one syllable, for literary babes who never 
 tire of testifying their delight in the vapid 
 compound by appropriate googoogling. 
 The words are commonly Saxon — that is to 
 say, words of a barbarous people destitute 
 
223 
 
 of ideas and incapable of any but the most 
 elementary sentiments and emotions. 
 
 The man who writes in Saxon 
 Is the man to use an ax on. 
 
 Judibras. 
 
 MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of 
 which the Founder of our religion over- 
 looked the advantages. 
 
 Monument, n. A structure intended to com- 
 memorate something which either needs no 
 commemoration or cannot be commem- 
 orated. 
 
 The bones of Agamemnon are a show, 
 And ruined is his royal monument, 
 
 but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminu- 
 tion in consequence. The monument cus- 
 tom has its reductiones ad absurdutn in 
 monuments "to the unknown dead" — that is 
 to say, monuments to perpetuate the mem- 
 ory of those who have left no memory. 
 
 Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and 
 mutable standard of right. Having the 
 quality of general expediency. 
 
 It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the 
 
224 
 
 Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are 
 immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in 
 good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much con- 
 veenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther 
 way and act as it shall suite his moode, withouten of- 
 fence. — Gooie's Meditations. 
 
 More, adj. The comparative degree of too 
 much. 
 
 Mouse, n. An animal which strews its path 
 with fainting women. As in Rome Christ- 
 ians were thrown to the lions, so centuries 
 earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and 
 famous city of the world, female heretics 
 were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the 
 historian, the only Otumwump whose writ- 
 ings have descended to us, says that these 
 martyrs met their death with little dignity 
 and much exertion. He even attempts to 
 exculpate the mice (such is the malice of 
 bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate 
 women perished, some from exhaustion, 
 some of broken necks from falling over their 
 own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. 
 The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures 
 of the chase with composure. But if 
 "Roman history is nine-tenths lying," we can 
 hardly expect a smaller proportion of that 
 
225 
 
 rhetorical figure in the annals of a people 
 capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely 
 woman ; for a hard heart has a false tongue. 
 
 MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a 
 part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But 
 "mousquetaire" is a mighty poor way to 
 spell muskeeter. 
 
 Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul ; 
 in woman, the outlet of the heart. 
 
 Mugwump, «. In politics one afflicted with 
 self-respect and addicted to the vice of inde- 
 pendence. A term of contempt. 
 
 Mulatto, n. A child of two races, ashamed 
 of both. 
 
 Multitude, n. A crowd; the source of po- 
 litical wisdom and virtue. In a republic, 
 the object of the statesman's adoration. "In 
 a multitude of counsellors there is wisdom," 
 saith the proverb. If many men of equal 
 individual wisdom are wiser than any one 
 of them, it must be that they acquire the ex- 
 cess of wisdom by the mere act of getting 
 together. Whence comes it? Obviously 
 
226 
 
 from nowhere — as well say that a range of 
 mountains is higher than the single mount- 
 ains composing it. A multitude is as wise 
 as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, 
 it is no wiser than its most foolish. 
 
 Mummy, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly 
 in universal use among modern civilized na- 
 tions as medicine, and now engaged in sup- 
 plying art with an excellent pigment. He 
 is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the 
 vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish 
 man from the lower animals. 
 
 By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, 
 Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. 
 We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, * 
 Distil him for physic and grind him for paint. 
 Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame. 
 And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. 
 O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme : 
 For respecting the dead what's the limit of time ? 
 
 Scopes Brum. 
 
 Mustang, n. An indocile horse of the west- 
 ern plains. In English society, the Amer- 
 ican wife of an English nobleman. 
 
 Myrmidon, «. A follower of Achilles — par- 
 ticularly when he didn't lead. 
 
227 
 
 Mythology, n. The body of a primitive peo- 
 ple's beliefs concerning its origin, early 
 history, heroes, deities and so forth, as dis- 
 tinguished from the true accounts which 
 it invents later. 
 
 N 
 
 Nectar, n. A drink served at banquets of the 
 Olympian deities. The secret of its prepara- 
 tion is lost, but the modern Kentuckians 
 believe that they come pretty near to a 
 knowledge of its chief ingredient. 
 
 Juno drank a cup of nectar, 
 
 But the draught did not affect her. 
 
 Juno drank a cup of rye — 
 
 Then she bade herself good-bye. 
 
 /. G. 
 
 Negro, n. The piece de resistance in the 
 American political problem. Representing 
 him by the letter n, the Republicans begin 
 to build their equation thus: "Let n=the 
 white man." This, however, appears to give 
 an unsatisfactory solution. 
 
 Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded 
 
228 
 
 to love as ourselves, and who does all he 
 knows how to make us disobedient. 
 
 Nepotism, n. Appointing your grandmother 
 to office for the good of the party, 
 
 Newtonian, adj. Pertaining to a philo- 
 sophy of the universe; invented by Newton, 
 who discovered that an apple will fall to 
 the ground, but was unable to say why. His 
 successors and disciples have advanced so 
 far as to be able to say when. 
 
 Nihilist, n. A Russian who denies the exist- 
 ence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of 
 the school is Tolstoi. 
 
 Nirvana, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state 
 of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the 
 wise, particularly to those wise enough to 
 understand it. 
 
 Nobleman, n. Nature's provision for wealthy 
 American maids ambitious to incur social 
 distinction and suffer high life. 
 
 Noise, w. A stench in the ear. Undomestic- 
 ated music. The chief product and authent- 
 icating sign of civilization. 
 
229 
 
 Nominate, v. To designate for the heaviest 
 political assessment. To put forward a suit- 
 able person to incur the mudgobbing and 
 deadcatting of the opposition. 
 
 Nominee, n. A modest gentleman shrinking 
 from the distinction of private life and dil- 
 igently seeking the honorable obscurity of 
 public office. 
 
 NON-COMBATANT, ti. A dead Quaker. 
 
 Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged 
 against this excellent dictionary. 
 
 Nose, «. The extreme outpost of the face. 
 From the circumstance that great conquer- 
 ors have great noses, Getius, whose writings 
 antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the 
 organ of quell. It has been observed that 
 one's nose is never so happy as when thrust 
 into the affairs of another, from which some 
 physiologists have drawn the inference that 
 the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 
 
 There's a man with a Nose, 
 And wherever he goes 
 
230 
 
 The people run from him and shout: 
 
 "No cotton have we 
 
 For our ears if so be 
 He blow that interminous snout!" 
 
 So the lawyers applied 
 
 For injunction. "Denied," 
 Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, 
 
 Whate'er it portend, 
 
 Appears to transcend 
 The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." 
 
 Arpad Singiny, 
 
 Notoriety, n. The fame of one's competitor 
 for public honors. The kind of renown most 
 accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A 
 Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville 
 stage, with angels ascending and de- 
 scending. 
 
 NOUMENON, «. That which exists, as disting- 
 uished from that which merely seems to 
 exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The 
 noumenon is a bit difficult to locate ; it can 
 be apprehended only by a process of reason- 
 ing — ^which is a phenomenon. Neverthe- 
 less, the discovery and exposition of nou- 
 mena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls 
 "the endless variety and excitement of phil- 
 
231 
 
 osophic thought." Hurrah (therefore) for 
 the noumenon! 
 
 Novel, n. A short story padded. A species 
 of composition bearing the same relation to 
 literature that the panorama bears to art. 
 As it is too long to be read at a sitting the 
 impressions made by its successive parts are 
 successively effaced, as in the panorama. 
 Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for 
 besides the few pages last read all that is 
 carried in mind is the mere plot of what 
 has gone before. To the romance the novel 
 is what photography is to painting. Its dis- 
 tinguishing principle, probability, corre- 
 sponds to the literal actuality of the photo- 
 graph and puts it distinctly into the cate- 
 gory of reporting; whereas the free wing of 
 the romancer enables him to mount to such 
 altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted 
 to attain ; and the first three essentials of the 
 literary art are imagination, imagination 
 and imagination. The art of writing novels, 
 such as it was, is long dead everjrwhere ex- 
 cept in Russia, where it is new. Peace to 
 its ashes — some of which have a large sale. 
 
 November, n. The eleventh twelfth of a 
 weariness. 
 
232 
 
 O 
 
 Oath, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the 
 Deity, made binding upon the conscience by 
 a penalty for perjury. 
 
 Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which 
 the wicked cease from struggling and the 
 dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping 
 ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A 
 place where ambitious authors meet their 
 works without pride and their betters with- 
 out envy. A dormitory without an alarm 
 clock. 
 
 Observatory, «. A place where astronomers 
 conjecture away the guesses of their prede- 
 cessors. 
 
 Obsessed, pp. Vexed by an evil spirit, like 
 the Gadarene swine and other critics. Ob- 
 session was once more common than it is 
 now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was 
 occupied by a different devil for every day 
 in the week, and on Sundays by two. They 
 were frequently seen, always walking in his 
 shadow, when he had one, but were finally 
 
233 
 
 driven away by the village notary, a holy 
 man; but they took the peasant with them, 
 for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out 
 of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims 
 ran through the streets, pursued by a hun- 
 dred persons, until the open country was 
 reached, where by a leap higher than a 
 church spire he escaped into a bird. A 
 chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a 
 soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the 
 soldier into the water, when the devil came 
 to the surface. The soldier, unfortunately, 
 did not. 
 
 Obsolete, adj. No longer used by the timid. 
 Said chiefly of words. A word which some 
 lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever 
 thereafter an object of dread and loathing 
 to the fool writer, but if it is a good word 
 and has no exact modern equivalent equally 
 good, it is good enough for the good writer, 
 Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obso' 
 lete" words is as true a measure of his lit- 
 erary ability as anything except the char- 
 acter of his work. A dictionary of obsolete 
 and obsolescent words would not only be 
 singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of 
 speech ; it would add large possessions to the 
 
234 
 
 vocabulary of every competent writer who 
 might not happen to be a competent reader. 
 
 Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as 
 it is manifest in the splendor and stress of 
 our advocacy. 
 
 The popular type and exponent of obstin- 
 acy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. 
 
 Occasional, adj. Afflicting us with greater 
 or less frequency. That, however, is not the 
 sense in which the word is used in the 
 phrase "occasional verses," which are verses 
 written for an "occasion," such as an anni- 
 versary, a celebration or other event. True, 
 they afflict us a little worse than other sorts 
 of verse, but their name has no reference to 
 irregular recurrence. 
 
 Occident, «. The part of the world lying 
 west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely 
 inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub- 
 tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal in- 
 dustries are murder and cheating, which 
 they are pleased to call "war" and "com- 
 merce." These, also, are the principal in- 
 dustries of the Orient. 
 
235 
 
 Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about 
 two-thirds of a world made for man — ^who 
 has no gills. 
 
 Offensive, adj. Generating disagreeable 
 emotions or sensations, as the advance of an 
 army against its enemy. 
 
 "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the 
 king asked. "I should say so!" replied the 
 unsuccessful general. "The blackguard 
 wouldn't come out of his works!" 
 
 Old, adj. In that stage of usefulness which 
 is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, 
 as an old man. Discredited by lapse of 
 time and offensive to the popular taste, as an 
 old book. 
 
 "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. 
 "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." 
 Nature herself approves the Goby rule 
 And gives us every moment a fresh fool. 
 
 Harley Shum. 
 
 Oleaginous, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. 
 
 Disraeli once described the manner of 
 Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleagin- 
 ous, saponaceous." And the good prelate 
 
236 
 
 was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. 
 For every man there is something in the 
 vocabulary that would stick to him like a 
 second skin. His enemies have only to 
 find it. 
 
 Olympian, adj. Relating to a mountain in 
 Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a 
 repository of yellowing newspapers, beer 
 bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting 
 the presence of the tourist and his appetite. 
 
 His name the smirking tourist scrawls 
 Upon Minerva's temple walls, 
 Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, 
 And marks his appetite's abuse. 
 
 Averil loop. 
 
 Omen, «. A sign that something will happen 
 if nothing happens. 
 
 Once, adv. Enough. 
 
 Opera, n. A play representing life in another 
 world, whose inhabitants have no speech but 
 song, no motions but gestures and no post- 
 ures but attitudes. All acting is simula- 
 tion, and the word simulation is from simia, 
 an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his 
 
237 
 
 model Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos 
 stentor) — the ape that howls. 
 
 The actor apes a man — at least in shape; 
 The opera performer apes an ape. 
 
 Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison 
 of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. 
 
 Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for 
 grasping a disappointment. 
 
 Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions and ob- 
 jections. 
 
 How lonely he who thinks to vex 
 With badinage the Solemn Sex! 
 Of levity, Mere Man, beware; 
 None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. 
 
 Percy P- Orminder. 
 
 Opposition, n. In politics the party that pre- 
 vents the Government from running amuck 
 by hamstringing it. 
 
 The King of Ghargaroo, who had been 
 abroad to study the science of government, 
 appointed one hundred of his fattest sub- 
 jects as members of a parliament to make 
 laws for the collection of revenue. Forty 
 
238 
 
 of these he named the Party of Opposition 
 and had his Prime Minister carefully in- 
 struct them in their duty of opposing every 
 royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one 
 that was submitted passed unanimously. 
 Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, in- 
 forming the Opposition that if they did that 
 again they would pay for their obstinacy 
 with their heads. The entire forty promptly 
 disemboweled themselves. 
 
 "What shall we do now?" the King 
 asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be 
 maintained without a party of Opposition." 
 
 "Splendor of the universe," replied the 
 Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of 
 darkness have no longer their credentials, 
 but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this 
 worm of the dust." 
 
 So the Minister had the bodies of his 
 Majesty's Opposition embalmed and 
 stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of 
 power and nailed there. Forty votes were 
 recorded against every bill and the nation 
 prospered. But one day a bill imposing a 
 tax on warts was defeated — the members of 
 the Government party had not been nailed 
 to their seats! This so enraged the King 
 that the Prime Minister was put to death, 
 
239 
 
 the parliament was dissolved with a battery 
 of artillery, and government of the people, 
 by the people, for the people perished from 
 Ghargaroo. 
 
 Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that 
 everything is beautiful, including what is 
 ugly, everything good, especially the bad, 
 and everything right that is wrong. It is 
 held with greatest tenacity by those most ac- 
 customed to the mischance of falling into 
 adversity, and is most acceptably expounded 
 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a 
 blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of 
 disproof — an intellectual disorder, yielding 
 to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, 
 but fortunately not contagious. 
 
 Optimist, «. A proponent of the doctrine 
 that black is white. 
 
 A pessimist applied to God for relief. 
 
 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope 
 and cheerfulness," said God. 
 
 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you 
 to create something that would justify 
 them." 
 
 "The world is all created," said God, 
 
240 
 
 "but you have overlooked something — the 
 mortality of the optimist." 
 
 Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech 
 and action to cheat the understanding. A 
 tyranny tempered by stenography. 
 
 Orphan, n. A living person whom death 
 has deprived of the power of filial ingratit- 
 ude — a privation appealing with a particu- 
 lar eloquence to all that is sympathetic in 
 human nature. When young the orphan is 
 commonly sent to an asylum, where by care- 
 ful cultivation of its rudimentary sense of 
 locality it is taught to know its place. It is 
 then instructed in the arts of dependence 
 and servitude and eventually turned loose 
 to prey upon the world as a bootblack or 
 scullery maid. 
 
 Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular 
 religious yoke. 
 
 Orthography, n. The science of spelling by 
 the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with 
 more heat than light by the outmates of 
 every asylum for the insane. They have had 
 to concede a few things since the time of 
 
241 
 
 Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence 
 of those to be conceded hereafter. 
 
 A spelling reformer indicted 
 
 For fudge was before the court cicted. 
 
 The judge said : "Enough — 
 
 His candle we'll snough, 
 And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." 
 
 Ostrich, n. A large bird to which (for its 
 sins, doubtless) nature has denied that 
 hinder toe in which so many pious natural- 
 ists have seen a conspicuous evidence of de- 
 sign. The absence of a good working pair 
 of wings is no defect, for, as has been in- 
 geniously pointed out, the ostrich does not 
 fly. 
 
 Otherwise, adv. No better. 
 
 Outcome, «. A particular type of disappoint- 
 ment. By the kind of intelligence that sees 
 in an exception a proof of the rule the wis- 
 dom of an act is judged by the outcome, the 
 result. This is immortal nonsense ; the wis- 
 dom of an act is to be judged by the light 
 that the doer had when he performed it 
 
 Outdo, v. t. To make an enemy. 
 
242 
 
 OUT-OF-DoORS, n. That part of one's environ- 
 ment upon which no government has been 
 able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to in- 
 spire poets. 
 
 I climbed to the top of a mountain one day 
 
 To see the sun setting in glory, 
 And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, 
 
 Of a perfectly splendid story. 
 
 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode 
 Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; 
 
 Then the man would carry him miles on the road 
 Till Neddy was pretty well rested. 
 
 The moon rising solemnly over the crest 
 Of the hills to the east of my station 
 
 Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west 
 Like a visible new creation. 
 
 And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) 
 Of an idle young woman who tarried 
 
 About a church-door for a look at the bride. 
 Although 'twas herself that was married. 
 
 To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand 
 
 Ideas — with thought and emotion. 
 I pity the dunces who don't understand 
 
 The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. 
 
 Stromboli Smith. 
 
 Ovation, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, 
 
243 
 
 formal pageant in honor of one who had 
 been disserviceable to the enemies of the na- 
 tion. A lesser "triumph." In modern Eng- 
 lish the word is improperly used to signify 
 any loose and spontaneous expression of 
 popular homage to the hero of the hour and 
 place. 
 
 "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, 
 
 But I thought It uncommonly queer, 
 That people and critics by him had been led 
 By the ear. 
 
 The Latin lexicon makes his absurd 
 
 Assertion as plain as a peg; 
 In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. 
 It means egg. 
 
 Dudley Spink, 
 
 Overeat, v. To dine. 
 
 Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, 
 Well skilled to overeat without distress! 
 Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, 
 Shows Man's superiority to Beast. 
 
 John Boop. 
 
 Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affect- 
 ing high public functionaries who want to 
 go fishing. 
 
244 
 
 Owe, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The 
 word formerly signified not indebtedness, 
 but possession ; it meant "own," and in the 
 minds of debtors there is still a good deal 
 of confusion between assets and liabilities. 
 
 Oyster, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which 
 civilization gives men the hardihood to eat 
 without removing its entrails I The shells 
 are sometimes given to the poor. 
 
 Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind 
 that may have a physical basis in something 
 that is being done to the body, or may be 
 purely mental, caused by the good fortune 
 of another. 
 
 Painting, «. The art of protecting flat sur- 
 faces from the weather and exposing them 
 to the critic. 
 
 Formerly, painting and sculpture were . 
 
 combined in the same work: the ancients | | 
 
 painted their statues. The only present 
 alliance between the two arts is that the 
 modern painter chisels his patrons. 
 
245 
 
 Palace, n. A fine and costly residence, par- 
 ticularly that of a great official. The resid- 
 ence of a high dignitary of the Christian 
 Church is called a palace; that of the 
 Founder of his religion was known as a 
 field, or wayside. There is progress. 
 
 Palm, n. A species of tree having several 
 varieties, of which the familiar "itching 
 palm" {Palma hominis) is most widely dis- 
 tributed and sedulously cultivated. This 
 noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible 
 gum, which may be detected by applying 
 to the bark a piece of gold or silver. The 
 metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. 
 The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter 
 and unsatisfying that a considerable per- 
 centage of it is sometimes given away in 
 what are known as "benefactions," 
 
 Palmistry, n. The 947th method (according 
 to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtain- 
 ing money by false pretences. It consists 
 in "reading character" in the wrinkles made 
 by closing the hand. The pretence is not 
 altogether false; character can really be 
 read very accurately in this way, for the 
 wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly 
 
246 
 
 spell the word "dupe." The imposture con- 
 sists in not reading it aloud. 
 
 Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of 
 All the Demons. Most of them have 
 escaped into politics and finance, and the 
 place is now used as a lecture hall by the 
 Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his 
 voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate 
 responses most gratifying to his pride of 
 distinction. 
 
 Pantaloons, n. A nether habiliment of the 
 adult civilized male. The garment is tubu- 
 lar and unprovided with hinges at the points 
 of flexion. Supposed to have been invented 
 by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the 
 enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. 
 
 Pantheism, «. The doctrine that everything 
 is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine 
 that God is everything. 
 
 Pantomime, n. A play in which the story 
 is told without violence to the language. 
 The least disagreeable form of dramatic 
 action. 
 
247 
 
 Pardon^ v. To remit a penalty and restore 
 to a life of crime. To add to the lure of 
 crime the temptation of ingratitude. 
 
 Passport, n. A document treacherously 
 inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, expos- 
 ing him as an alien and pointing him out 
 for special reprobation and outrage. 
 
 Past, n. That part of Eternity with some 
 small fraction of which we have a slight and 
 regrettable acquaintance. A moving line 
 called the Present parts it from an imagin- 
 ary period known as the Future. These 
 two grand divisions of Eternity, of which 
 the one is continually effacing the other, are 
 entirely unlike. The one is dark with sor- 
 row and disappointment, the other bright 
 with prosperity and joy. The Past is the 
 region of sobs, the Future is the realm of 
 song. In the one crouches Memory, clad 
 in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling peniten- 
 tial prayer; in the sunshine of the other 
 Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to 
 temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet 
 the Past is the Future of yesterday, the 
 Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are 
 one — the knowledge and the dream. 
 
248 
 
 Pastime, n. A device for promoting dejec- 
 tion. Gentle exercise for intellectual de- 
 bility. 
 
 Patience, n. A minor form of despair, dis- 
 guised as a virtue. 
 
 Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a 
 part seem superior to those of the whole. 
 The dupe of statesmen and the tool of con- 
 querors. 
 
 Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready 
 to the torch of any one ambitious to illum- 
 inate his name. 
 
 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary 
 patriotism is defined as the last resort of a 
 scoundrel. With all due respect to an en- 
 lightened but inferior lexicographer I beg 
 to submit that it is the first. 
 
 Peace, n. In international affairs, a period 
 of cheating between two periods of fight- 
 ing. 
 
 O, what's the loud uproar assailing 
 
 Mine ears without cease? 
 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing 
 
 The horrors ol: peace. 
 
249 
 
 Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it — 
 
 Would marry it, toD. 
 If only they knew how to do it 
 
 'Twere easy to do. 
 
 They're working by night and by day 
 
 On their problem, like moles. 
 Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray. 
 
 On their meddlesome souls! 
 
 Ro A mil. 
 
 Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) 
 part of the roadway for an automobile. 
 
 Pedigree, n. The known part of the route 
 from an arboreal ancestor with a swim blad- 
 der to an urban descendant with a cigarette. 
 
 Penitent, adj. Undergoing or awaiting 
 punishment. 
 
 Perfection, n. An imaginary state or quality 
 distinguished from the actual by an element 
 known as excellence; an attribute of the 
 critic. 
 
 The editor of an English magazine hav- 
 ing received a letter pointing out the erron- 
 eous nature of his views and style, and 
 signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the 
 
250 
 
 foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," 
 and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. 
 
 Peripatetic, adj. Walking about. Relating 
 to the philosophy of Artistotle, who, while 
 expounding it, moved from place to place 
 in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A 
 needless precaution — they knew no more of 
 the matter than he. 
 
 Peroration, n. The explosion of an oratoric- 
 al rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer 
 having the wrong kind of nose its most con- 
 spicuous peculiarity is the smell of the sev- 
 eral kinds of powder used in preparing it. 
 
 Perseverance, n. A lowly virtue whereby 
 mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. 
 
 "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, 
 
 Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. 
 
 "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare — 
 
 The one at the goal while the other is — where?" 
 
 Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease 
 
 Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, 
 
 The goal and the rival forgotten alike, 
 
 And the long fatigue of the needless hike. 
 
 His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew 
 
 Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, 
 
 He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, 
 
 A winner of all that is good in a race. 
 
 Sukker Uffro. 
 
251 
 
 Pessimism, n. A philosophy forced upon the 
 convictions of the observer by the disheart- 
 ening prevalence of the optimist with his 
 scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. 
 
 Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually 
 bald) old gentleman who has trained him- 
 self to grin while his conscience is picking 
 his pocket. 
 
 Philistine, n. One whose mind is the creat- 
 ure of its environment, following the fash- 
 ion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He 
 is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, 
 commonly clean and always solemn. 
 
 Philosophy, «. A route of many roads lead- 
 ing from nowhere to nothing. 
 
 Phcenix, n. The classical prototype of the 
 modern "small hot bird." 
 
 Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that 
 restores life to dead noises. 
 
 Photograph, n. A picture painted by the 
 sun without instruction in art. It is a little 
 
252 
 
 better than the work of an Apache, but not 
 quite so good as that of a Cheyenne. 
 
 Phrenology, n. The science of picking the 
 pocket through the scalp. It consists in lo- 
 cating and exploiting the organ that one is a 
 dupe with. 
 
 Physician, n. One upon whom we set our 
 hopes when ill and our dogs when well. 
 
 Physiognomy, n. The art of determining the 
 character of another by the resemblances 
 and differences between his face and our 
 own, which is the standard of excellence. 
 
 "There is no art," says Shakspeare, foolish man, 
 "To read the mind's construction in the face." 
 
 The physiognomists his portrait scan, 
 
 And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! 
 
 He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart. 
 
 So, in his own defence, denied our art." 
 
 Lavatar Shunk. 
 
 Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the 
 impenitent visitor. It is operated by de- 
 pressing the keys of the machine and the 
 spirits of the audience. 
 
253 
 
 Pickaninny, n. The young of the Procyan- 
 thropos, or Americanus dominans. It is 
 small, black and charged with political 
 fatalities. 
 
 Picture, n. A representation in two dimen- 
 sions of something wearisome in three, 
 
 "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view — 
 Taken from Life." If that description's true, 
 Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. 
 
 Jali Hane. 
 
 Pie, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose 
 name is Indigestion. 
 
 Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. — The 
 Rev. Dr. Mucker, in a Funeral Sermon Over a British 
 Nobleman. 
 
 Cold pie is a detestable 
 American comestible. 
 That's why I'm done — or undone — 
 So far from that dear London. 
 — From the Headstone of a British Nobleman, 
 in Kalamazoo. 
 
 Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, 
 
254 
 
 based upon His supposed resemblance to 
 man. 
 
 The pig is taught by sermons and epistles 
 To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles, 
 
 Judibras. 
 
 Pig, n. An animal {Porcus omnivorus) 
 closely allied to the human race by the 
 splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, 
 however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at 
 pig- 
 
 Pigmy, n. One of a tribe of very small men 
 found by ancient travelers in many parts 
 of the world, but by modern in Central 
 Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to 
 distinguish them from the bulkier Cauca- 
 sians — ^who are Hogmies. 
 
 Pilgrim, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. 
 A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving 
 Europe in 1620 because not permitted to 
 sing psalms through his nose, followed it to 
 Massachusetts, where he could personate 
 God according to the dictates of his con- 
 science. 
 
 Pillory, n. A mechanical device for inflict- 
 
255 
 
 ing personal distinction — prototype of the 
 modern newspaper conducted by persons of 
 austere virtues and blameless lives. 
 
 Piracy, n. Commerce without its folly-swad- 
 dles, just as God made it. 
 
 Pitiful^ adj. The state of an enemy or 
 opponent after an imaginary encounter with 
 oneself. 
 
 PlTY^ n. A failing sense of exemption, in- 
 spired by contrast. 
 
 Plagiarism, «. A literary coincidence com- 
 pounded of a discreditable priority and an 
 honorable subsequence. 
 
 Plagiarize, v. To take the thought or style 
 of another writer whom one has never, 
 never read. 
 
 Plague, n. In ancient times a general punish- 
 ment of the innocent for admonition of 
 their ruler, as in the familiar instance of 
 Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we 
 of to-day have the happiness to know it is 
 
256 
 
 merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of 
 her purposeless objectionableness. 
 
 Plan^ v. t. To bother about the best method 
 of accomplishing an accidental result. 
 
 Platitude, n. The fundamental element 
 and special glory of popular literature. A 
 thought that snores in words that smoke. 
 The wisdom of a million fools in the dic- 
 tion of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in 
 artificial rock. A moral without the fable. 
 All that is mortal of a departed truth. A 
 demi-tasse of milk-and-morality. The 
 Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A 
 jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea 
 of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. 
 A desiccated epigram. 
 
 Platonic, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy 
 of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name 
 for the affection between a disability and a 
 frost. 
 
 Plaudits, n. Coins with which the populace 
 pays those who tickle and devour it. 
 
257 
 
 Please^ v. To lay the foundation for a super- 
 structure of imposition. 
 
 Pleasure, «. The least hateful form of de- 
 • jection. 
 
 Plebeian, «. An ancient Roman who in the 
 blood of his country stained nothing but his 
 hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, 
 who was a saturated solution. 
 
 Plebiscite, «. A popular vote to ascertain 
 the will of the sovereign. 
 
 Plenipotentiary, adj. Having full power. 
 A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist 
 possessing absolute authority on condition 
 that he never exert it. 
 
 Pleonasm, n. An army of words escorting a 
 corporal of thought. 
 
 Plow, n. An implement that cries aloud for 
 hands accustomed to the pen. 
 
 Plunder, v. To take the property of another 
 without observing the decent and customary 
 reticences of theft. To effect a change of 
 
258 
 
 ownership with the candid concomitance 
 of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A 
 from B and leave C lamenting a vanished 
 opportunity. 
 
 Pocket^ n. The cradle of motive and the 
 grave of conscience. In woman this organ 
 is lacking; so she acts without motive, and 
 her conscience, denied burial, remains ever 
 alive, confessing the sins of others. 
 
 Poetry, n. A form of expression peculiar to 
 the Land beyond the Magazines. 
 
 Poker, n. A game said to be played with cards 
 for some purpose to this lexicographer 
 unknown. 
 
 Police, «. An armed force for protection and 
 participation. 
 
 Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypoc- 
 risy. 
 
 Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading 
 as a contest of principles. The conduct of 
 public aflfairs for private advantage. 
 
259 
 
 Politician, «. An eel in the fundamental 
 mud upon which the superstructure of 
 organized society is reared. When he wrig- 
 gles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for 
 the trembling of the edifice. As compared 
 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvan- 
 tage of being alive. 
 
 Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, or 
 expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools 
 of repentance, as distinguished from mono- 
 gamy, which has but one. 
 
 Populist, n. A fossil patriot of the early 
 agricultural period, found in the old red 
 soapstone underlying Kansas; character- 
 ized by an uncommon spread of ear, which 
 some naturalists contend gave him the 
 power of flight, though Professors Morse 
 and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of 
 thought, have ingeniously pointed out that 
 had he possessed it he would have gone else- 
 where. In the picturesque speech of his 
 period, some fragments of which have 
 come down to us, he was known as "The 
 Matter with Kansas." 
 
260 
 
 Portable, adj. Exposed to a mutable owner- 
 ship through vicissitudes of possession. 
 
 His light estate, if neither he did make it 
 Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, 
 Is portable improperty, I take it. 
 
 W or gum Slupsky. 
 
 Portuguese, n. pi. A species of geese in- 
 digenous to Portugal. They are mostly 
 without feathers and imperfectly edible, 
 even when stufled with garlic. 
 
 Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's 
 voice. 
 
 Positivism, n. A philosophy that denies our 
 knowledge of the Real and affirms our 
 ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest 
 exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its 
 thickest Spencer. 
 
 Posterity, n. An appellate court which 
 reverses the judgment of a popular author's 
 contemporaries, the appellant being his 
 obscure competitor. 
 
 Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is 
 said to be potable; indeed, some declare it 
 
261 
 
 our natural beverage, although even they 
 find it palatable only when suffering from 
 the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for 
 which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has 
 so great and diligent ingenuity been brought 
 to bear in all ages and in all countries, ex- 
 cept the most uncivilized, as upon the inven- 
 tion of substitutes for water. To hold that 
 this general aversion to that liquid has no 
 basis in the preservative instinct of the race 
 is to be unscientific — and without science 
 we are as the snakes and toads. 
 
 Poverty, «. A file provided for the teeth of 
 the rats of reform. The number of plans 
 for its abolition equals that of the reformers 
 who suffer from it, plus that of the philo- 
 sophers who know nothing about it. Its vic- 
 tims are distinguished by possession of all 
 the virtues and by their faith in leaders 
 seeking to conduct them into a prosperity 
 where they believe these to be unknown. 
 
 Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe 
 be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner 
 confessedly unworthy. 
 
 Pre-Adamite, n. One of an experimental and 
 
262 
 
 apparently unsatisfactory race that ante- 
 dated Creation and lived under conditions 
 not easily conceived. Melsius believed them 
 to have inhabited "the Void" and to have 
 been something intermediate between fishes 
 and birds. Little is known of them beyond 
 the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife 
 and theologians with a controversy. 
 
 Precedent, n. In Law, a previous decision, 
 rule or practice which, in the absence of a 
 definite statute, has whatever force and 
 authority a Judge may choose to give it, 
 thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing 
 as he pleases. As there are precedents for 
 everything, he has only to ignore those that 
 make against his interest and accentuate 
 those in the line of his desire. Invention of 
 the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from 
 the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the 
 noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. 
 
 Precipitate, adj. Anteprandial. 
 
 Precipitate in all, this sinner 
 
 Took action first, and then his dinner. 
 
 Judibras. 
 
 Predestination, n. The doctrine that all 
 
263 
 
 things occur according to programme. This 
 doctrine should not be confused with that 
 of foreordination, which means that all 
 things are programmed, but does not affirm 
 their occurrence, that being only an implic- 
 ation from other doctrines by which this 
 is entailed. The difference is great enough 
 to have deluged Christendom with ink, to 
 say nothing of the gore. With the distinc- 
 tion of the two doctrines kept well in mind, 
 and a reverent belief in both, one may hope 
 to escape perdition if spared. 
 
 Predicament, n. The wage of consistency. 
 
 Predilection, n. The preparatory stage of 
 disillusion. 
 
 Pre-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in crea- 
 tion. 
 
 Preference,, n. A sentiment, or frame of 
 mind, induced by the erroneous belief that 
 one thing is better than another. 
 
 An ancient philosopher, expounding his 
 conviction that life is no better than death, 
 was asked by a disciple why, then, he did 
 
264 
 
 not die. "Because," he replied, "death is 
 no better than life." 
 It is longer. 
 
 Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early 
 period and a museum. Antedating the art 
 and practice of perpetuating falsehood. 
 
 He lived in a period prehistoric, 
 
 When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. 
 
 Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, 
 
 Set down great events in succession and order, 
 
 He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous 
 
 In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. 
 
 Orpheus Bowen. 
 
 Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without 
 visible means of support. 
 
 Prelate, n. A church officer having a super- 
 ior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. 
 One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman 
 of God. 
 
 Prerogative, n. A sovereign's right to do 
 wrong. 
 
 Presbyterian, n. One who holds the con- 
 viction that the governing authorities of 
 the Church should be called presbyters. 
 
265 
 
 Prescription, «. A physician's guess at what 
 will best prolong the situation with least 
 harm to the patient. 
 
 Present, n. That part of eternity dividing 
 the domain of disappointment from the 
 realm of hope. 
 
 Presentable, ad]. Hideously appareled after 
 the manner of the time and place. 
 
 In Boorioboola-Gha a man is present- 
 able on occasions of ceremony if he have his 
 abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a 
 cow's tail ; in New York he may, if it please 
 him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must 
 wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep 
 and dyed black. 
 
 Preside, v. To guide the action of a delib- 
 erative body to a desirable result. In Jour- 
 nalese, to perform upon a musical instru- 
 ment; as, "He presided at the piccolo." 
 
 The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, 
 
 Read with a solemn face : 
 "The music was very uncommonly grand — 
 
 The best that was every provided, 
 
 For our townsman Brown presided 
 
266 
 
 At the organ with skill and grace." 
 The Headliner discontinued to read, 
 
 And, spreading the paper down 
 On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: 
 
 "Great playing by President Brown." 
 
 Orpheus Bowen. 
 
 Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field 
 game of American politics. 
 
 President, n. The leading figure in a small 
 group of men of whom — and of whom only 
 — it is positively known that immense num- 
 bers of their countrymen did not want any 
 of them for President. 
 
 If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater 
 
 To have been a simple and undamned spectator. 
 
 Behold in me a man of mark and note 
 
 Whom no elector e'er denied a vote ! — 
 
 An undiscredited, unhooted gent 
 
 Who might, for all we know, be President 
 
 By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer — 
 
 I'm passing with a wide and open ear! 
 
 Jonathan Fomry. 
 
 Prevaricator, «. A liar in the caterpillar 
 state. 
 
 Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for 
 
267 
 
 the wear and tear of conscience in demand- 
 ing it. 
 
 Primate, «. The head of a church, especially 
 a State church supported by involuntary 
 contributions. The Primate of England is 
 the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable 
 old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth 
 Palace when living and Westminster Abbey 
 when dead. He is commonly dead. 
 
 Prison, «. A place of punishments and 
 rewards. The poet assures us that — 
 
 "Stone walls do not a prison make," 
 
 but a combination of the stone wall, the 
 political parasite and the moral instructor 
 is no garden of sweets. 
 
 Private, n. A military gentleman with a 
 field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an 
 impediment in his hope. 
 
 Proboscis, n. The rudimentary organ of an 
 elephant which serves him in place of the 
 knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet 
 denied him. For purposes of humor it is 
 popularly called a trunk. 
 
268 
 
 Asked how he knew that an elephant was 
 going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. 
 Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tor- 
 mentor, and answered, absently: "When it 
 is ajar," and threw himself from a high pro- 
 monotory into the sea. Thus perished in his 
 pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, 
 leaving to mankind a heritage of woe ! No 
 successor worthy of the title has appeared, 
 though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies' 
 Home Journal, is much respected for the 
 purity and sweetness of his personal charac- 
 ter. 
 
 Projectile^ n. The final arbiter in interna- 
 tional disputes. Formerly these disputes 
 were settled by physical contact of the dis- 
 putants, with such simple arguments as the 
 rudimentary logic of the times could supply 
 — the sword, the spear, and so forth. With 
 the growth of prudence in military affairs 
 the projectile came more and more into 
 favor, and is now held in high esteem by the 
 most courageous. Its capital defect is that 
 it requires personal attendance at the point 
 of propulsion. 
 
 Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of 
 
269 
 
 plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testi- 
 mony of two credible witnesses as opposed 
 to that of only one. 
 
 Proof-reader, n. A malefactor who atones 
 for making your writing nonsense by per- 
 mitting the compositor to make it unintell- 
 igible. 
 
 Property, n. Any material thing, having no 
 particular value, that may be held by A 
 against the cupidity of B. Whatever grati- 
 fies the passion for possession in one and 
 disappoints it in all others. The object of 
 man's brief rapacity and long, indifference. 
 
 Prophecy, n. The art and practice of selling 
 one's credibility for future delivery. 
 
 Prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. 
 An expectation, usually forbidden. 
 
 Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes — 
 O'er Ceylon blow your breath, 
 
 Where every prospect pleases, 
 Save only that of death. 
 
 Bishop Sheber. 
 
 Providential, adj. Unexpectedly and con- 
 
270 
 
 spicuously beneficial to the person so de- 
 scribing it. 
 
 Prude, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of 
 her demeanor. 
 
 Publish, v. In literary affairs, to become the 
 fundamental element in a cone of critics. 
 
 Push, n. One of the two things mainly con- 
 ducive to success, especially in politics. The 
 other is Pull. 
 
 Pyrrhonism, n. An ancient philosophy, 
 named for its inventor. It consisted of an 
 absolute disbelief in everything but Pyr- 
 rhonism. Its modern professors have added 
 that. 
 
 Q 
 
 Queen, n. A woman by whom the realm is 
 ruled when there is a king, and through 
 whom it is ruled when there is not. 
 
 Quill, n. An implement of torture yielded by 
 
271 
 
 a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. 
 This use of the quill is now obsolete, but 
 its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is 
 wielded by the same everlasting Presence. 
 
 Quiver, «. A portable sheath in which the 
 ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer 
 carried their lighter arguments. 
 
 He extracted from his quiver, 
 Did this controversial Roman, 
 
 An argument well fitted 
 
 To the question as submitted, 
 
 Then addressed it to the liver, 
 Of the unpersuaded foeman. 
 
 Oglutn P. Boomp. 
 
 Quixotic, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don 
 Quixote. An insight into the beauty and 
 excellence of this incomparable adjective is 
 unhappily denied to him who has the mis- 
 fortune to know that the gentleman's name 
 is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. 
 
 When ignorance from out our lives can banish 
 Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. 
 
 Juan Smith. 
 
 Quorum, «. A sufficient number of members 
 of a deliberative body to have their own 
 
272 
 
 way and their own way of having it. In the 
 United States Senate a quorum consists of 
 the chairman of the Committee on Finance 
 and a messenger from the White House ; in 
 the House of Representatives, of the 
 Speaker and the devil. 
 
 Quotation^ n. The act of repeating erron- 
 eously the words of another. The words 
 erroneously repeated. 
 
 Intent on making his quotation truer, 
 He sought the page infallible of Brewer, 
 Then made a solemn vow that he would be 
 Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! 
 
 Stumpo Gaker. 
 
 Quotient^ «. A number showing how many 
 times a sum of money belonging to one per- 
 son is contained in the pocket of another — 
 usually about as many times as it can be got 
 there. 
 
 R 
 
 Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise 
 a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent 
 elections. The rabble is like the sacred 
 
273 
 
 Simurgh, of Arabian fable — omnipotent on 
 condition that it do nothing. (The word is 
 Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent 
 in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may 
 be, "soaring swine.") 
 
 Rack, n. An argumentative implement for- 
 merly much used in persuading devotees of 
 a false faith to embrace the living truth. As 
 a call to the unconverted the rack never had 
 any particular efficacy, and is now held in 
 light popular esteem. 
 
 Rank, n. Relative elevation in the scale of 
 human worth. 
 
 He held at court a rank so high 
 That other noblemen asked why. 
 "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack 
 His skill to scratch the royal back." 
 
 Aramis Jukes. 
 
 Ransom, n. The purchase of that which 
 neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong 
 to the buyer. The most unprofitable of in- 
 vestments. 
 
 Rapacity, «. Providence without industry. 
 The thrift of power. 
 
274 
 
 Rarebit, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech 
 of the humorless, who point out that it is 
 not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly 
 explained that the comestible known as 
 toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that 
 riz-de-veau a la financiere is not the smile 
 of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she 
 banker. 
 
 Rascal, n. A fool considered under another 
 aspect. 
 
 Rascality, n. Stupidity militant. The activ- 
 ity of a clouded intellect. 
 
 Rash, adj. Insensible to the value of our ad- 
 vice. 
 
 "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let 
 
 These gamblers take your cash." 
 "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! 
 
 How can you be so rash?" 
 
 Booth p. Gish. 
 
 Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save 
 those of observation, experience and reflec- 
 tion. 
 
 Rattlesnake, n. Our prostrate brother, 
 Homo ventrambulans. 
 
275 
 
 Razor, n. An instrument used by the Cauca- 
 sian to enhance his beauty, by the Mon- 
 golian to make a guy of himself, and by the 
 Afro-American to affirm his worth. 
 
 Reach, n. The radius of action of the human 
 hand. The area within which it is possible 
 (and customary) to gratify directly the pro- 
 pensity to provide. 
 
 This is a truth, as old as the hills, 
 
 That life and experience teach : 
 The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, 
 
 An impediment in his reach. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 Reading, n. The general body of what one 
 reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, 
 of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" 
 and humor in slang. 
 
 We know by one's reading 
 His learning and breeding; 
 By what draws his laughter 
 We know his Hereafter. 
 Read nothing, laugh never — 
 The Sphinx was less clever! 
 
 Jupiter Muke. 
 
 Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-mor- 
 row injected into the affairs of to-day. 
 
276 
 
 Radium, n. A mineral that gives off heat and 
 stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool 
 with. 
 
 Railroad^ n. The chief of many mechanical 
 devices enabling us to get away from where 
 we are to where we are no better off. For 
 this purpose the railroad is held in highest 
 favor by the optimist, for it permits him 
 to make the transit with great expedition. 
 
 Ramshackle, adj. Pertaining to a certain 
 order of architecture, otherwise known as 
 the Normal American. Most of the public 
 buildings of the United States are of the 
 Ramshackle order, though some of our 
 earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Re- 
 cent additions to the White House in Wash- 
 ington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic 
 order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly 
 fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. 
 
 Realism, «. The art of depicting nature as it 
 is seen by toads. The charm suffusing a 
 landscape painted by a mole, or a story 
 written by a measuring-worm. 
 
 Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. 
 
277 
 
 That which would remain in the cupel if 
 one should assay a phantom. The nucleus 
 of a vacuum. 
 
 Really, adv. Apparently. 
 
 Rear, n. In American military matters, that 
 exposed part of the army that is nearest to 
 Congress. 
 
 Reason, v. i. To weigh probabilities in the 
 scales of desire. 
 
 Reason, n. Propensitate of prejudice. 
 
 Reasonable, adj. Accessible to the infection 
 of our own opinions. Hospitable to persua- 
 sion, dissuasion and evasion. 
 
 Rebel, n. A proponent of a new misrule 
 who has failed to establish it. 
 
 Recollect, v. To recall with additions some- 
 thing not previously known. 
 
 Reconciliation, n. A suspension of hostilit- 
 ies. An armed truce for the purpose of 
 digging up the dead. 
 
278 
 
 Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a 
 decision already made. 
 
 Recount, n. In American politics, another 
 throw of the dice, accorded to the player 
 against whom they are loaded. 
 
 Recreation, n. A particular kind of dejection 
 to relieve a general fatigue. 
 
 Recruit, n. A person distinguishable from a 
 civilian by his uniform and from a soldier 
 by his gait. 
 
 Fresh from the farm or factory or street, 
 His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, 
 Were an impressive martial spectacle 
 Except for two impediments — his feet. 
 
 Thompson Johnson, 
 
 Rector, n. In the Church of England, the 
 Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the 
 Curate and the Vicar being the other two. 
 
 Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from 
 the penalty of their sin, through their mur- 
 der of the deity against whom they sinned. 
 The doctrine of Redemption, is the funda- 
 mental mystery of our holy religion, and 
 
279 
 
 whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but 
 have everlasting life in which to try to un- 
 derstand it. 
 
 We must awake Man's spirit from its sin, 
 
 And take some special measure for redeeming it; 
 
 Though hard indeed the task to get it in 
 Among the angels any way but teaming it, 
 Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. 
 
 I'm awkward at Redemption — a beginner: 
 
 My method is to crucify the sinner. 
 
 Golgo Br one. 
 
 Redress, n. Reparation without satisfaction. 
 Among the Anglo-Saxons a subject con- 
 ceiving himself wronged by the king was 
 permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a 
 brazen image of the royal offender with a 
 switch that was afterward applied to his 
 own naked back. The latter rite was per- 
 formed by the public hangman, and it 
 assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice 
 of a switch. 
 
 Red-skin, n. A North American Indian, 
 whose skin is not red — at least not on the 
 outside. 
 
280 
 
 Redundant, adj. Superfluous; needless; de 
 trop. 
 
 The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant 
 To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." 
 To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, 
 Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." 
 
 Habeeb Suleiman. 
 
 Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. — Theodore Roosevelt. 
 
 Referendum, n. A law for submission of pro- 
 posed legislation to a popular vote to learn 
 the nonsensus of public opinion. 
 
 Reflection, n. An action of the mind where- 
 by we obtain a clearer view of our relation 
 to the things of yesterday and are able to 
 avoid the perils that we shall not again 
 encounter. 
 
 Reform, n. A thing that mostly satisfies 
 reformers opposed to reformation. 
 
 Refuge, n. Anything assuring protection to 
 one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided 
 six cities of refuge— Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, 
 Kadesh. Schekem and Hebron — to which 
 oae who had taken life inadvertently could 
 
281 
 
 flee when hunted by relatives of the de- 
 ceased. This admirable expedient supplied 
 him with wholesome exercise and enabled 
 them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; 
 whereby the soul of the dead man was ap- 
 propriately honored by observances akin to 
 the funeral games of early Greece. 
 
 Refusal, n. Denial of something desired; as 
 an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a 
 rich and handsome suitor; a valuable fran- 
 chise to a rich corporation, by an alderman ; 
 absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, 
 and so forth. Refusals are graded in a de- 
 scending scale of finality thus: the refusal 
 absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal 
 tentative and the refusal feminine. The last 
 is called by some casuists the refusal assen- 
 tive. 
 
 Regalia, «. Distinguishing insignia, jewels 
 and costume of such ancient and honorable 
 orders as Knights of Adam ; Visionaries of 
 Delectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of 
 Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy 
 Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalan- 
 gers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated 
 Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliance of Gorg- 
 
282 
 
 eous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the 
 Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of 
 the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable 
 Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guard- 
 ians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of 
 Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife- 
 Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboy- 
 ant Conspicuants ; Worshipers at the Elec- 
 troplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles ; 
 Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip ; 
 Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; 
 Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Tem- 
 ple; the Grand Cabal of Abie-Bodied 
 Sedentarians ; Associated Deities of the 
 Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the 
 Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly 
 Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies 
 of Horror; Cooperative Association for 
 Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of 
 Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden 
 Faith ; Knights-Champions of the Domestic 
 Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute 
 Optimists ; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospit- 
 able Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Men- 
 dacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess- 
 Pool; the Society for Prevention of Pre- 
 valence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation 
 of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious 
 
283 
 
 Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uni- 
 formed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of 
 Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South 
 Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. 
 
 Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, 
 explaining to Ignorance the nature of the 
 Unknowable. 
 
 "What is your religion my son?" inquired 
 the Archbishop of Rheims. 
 
 "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Roche- 
 briant; "I am ashamed of it." 
 
 "Then why do you not become an athe- 
 ist?" 
 
 "Impossible! I should be ashamed of 
 atheism." 
 
 "In that case, monsieur, you should join 
 the Protestants." 
 
 Reliquary, w. A receptacle for such sacred 
 objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs 
 of saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung 
 of the cock that called Peter to repentance 
 and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of 
 metal, and provided with a lock to prevent 
 the contents from coming out and perform- 
 ing miracles at unseasonable times. A 
 feather from the wing of the Angel of the 
 
284 
 
 Annunciation once escaped during a sermon 
 in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of 
 the congregation that they woke and sneezed 
 with great vehemence three times each. It 
 is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a 
 sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral sur- 
 prised the head of Saint Dennis in the 
 library. Reprimanded by its stern custod- 
 ian, it explained that it was seeking a body 
 of doctrine. This unseemly levity so en- 
 raged the diocesan that the offender was 
 publicly anathematized, thrown into the 
 Stour and replaced by another head of 
 Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. 
 
 Renown^ n. A degree of distinction between 
 notoriety and fame — a little more supporta- 
 ble than the one and a little more intolerable 
 than the other. Sometimes it is conferred 
 by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. 
 
 I touched the harp in every key, 
 
 But found no heeding ear; 
 And then Ithuriel touched me 
 
 With a revealing spear. 
 Not all my genius, great as 'tis, 
 
 Could urge me out of night. 
 I felt the faint appulse of his, 
 
 And leapt into the light! 
 
 fF. J. Candleton. 
 
285 
 
 Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for 
 a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction 
 felt in committing it. 
 
 Repartee, n. Prudent insult in retort. Prac- 
 ticed by gentlemen with a constitutional 
 aversion to violence, but a strong disposition 
 to offend. In a war of words, the tactics 
 of the North American Indian. 
 
 Repentance, n. The faithful attendant and 
 follower of Punishment. It is usually mani- 
 fest in a degree of reformation that is not 
 inconsistent with continuity of sin. 
 
 Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, 
 You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? 
 How needless! — Nick will keep you off the coals 
 And add you to the woes of other souls. 
 
 Jamater Abemy. 
 
 Replica, n. A reproduction of a work of art, 
 by the artist that made the original. It is 
 so called to distinguish it from a "copy," 
 which is made by another artist. When the 
 two are made with equal skill the replica is 
 the more valuable, for it is supposed to be 
 more beautiful than it looks. 
 
286 
 
 Reporter, n. A writer who guesses his way 
 to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of 
 words. 
 
 "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou 
 Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" 
 So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew 
 Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." 
 
 B arson Maith. 
 
 Repose, v. i. To cease from troubling. 
 
 Representative, n. In national politics, a 
 member of the Lower House in this world, 
 and without discernible hope of promotion 
 in the next. 
 
 Reprobation, «. In theology, the state of a 
 luckless mortal prenatally damned. The 
 doctrine of reprobation was taught by Cal- 
 vin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred 
 by the sad sincerity of his conviction that 
 although some are foredoomed to perdition, 
 others are predestined to salvation. 
 
 Republic, n. A nation in which, the thing 
 governing and the thing governed being the 
 same, there is only a permitted authority to 
 enforce an optional obedience. In a republic 
 
287 
 
 the foundation of public order is the ever 
 lessening habit of submission inherited from 
 ancestors who, being truly governed, sub- 
 mitted because they had to. There are as 
 many kinds of republics as there are grada- 
 tions between the despotism whence they 
 came and the anarchy whither they lead. 
 
 Requiem, n. A mass for the dead which the 
 minor poets assure us the winds sing o'er the 
 graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by 
 way of providing a varied entertainment, 
 they sing a dirge. 
 
 Resident, ad]. Unable to leave. 
 
 Resign, v. t. To renounce an honor for an 
 advantage. To renounce an advantage for 
 a greater advantage. 
 
 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed 
 
 A true renunciation 
 Of title, rank and every kind 
 
 Of military station — 
 
 Each honorable station. 
 
 By his example fired — inclined 
 
 To noble emulation, 
 The country humbly was resigned 
 
 To Leonard's resignation — 
 
 His Christian resignation. 
 
 Politian Greame. 
 
288 
 
 Resolute^ adj. Obstinate in a course that we 
 approve. 
 
 Respectability^ n. The offspring of a liaison 
 between a bald head and a bank account 
 
 Respirator^ n. An apparatus fitted over the 
 nose andmouth of an inhabitant of London, 
 whereby to filter the visible universe in its 
 passage to the lungs. 
 
 Respite, «. A suspension of hostilities against 
 a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive 
 to determine whether the murder may not 
 have been done by the prosecuting attorney. 
 Any break in the continuity of a disagree- 
 able expectation. 
 
 Altgeld upon his incandescent bed 
 Lay, an attendant demon at his head. 
 
 "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief — 
 Some respite from the roast, however brief. 
 
 "Remember how on earth I pardoned all 
 Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." 
 
 "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm 
 O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. 
 
289 
 
 "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, 
 Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. 
 
 "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, 
 Not even the memory of who you are." 
 
 Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; 
 Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. 
 
 "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be 
 As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." 
 
 "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack 
 
 You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." 
 
 A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide 
 
 While they were turning him on t'other side. 
 
 Joel Spate Woop. 
 
 Resplendent, adj. Like a simple American 
 citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or 
 affirming his consequence in the Scheme of 
 Things as an elemental unit of a parade. 
 
 The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in 
 their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly 
 have known them. — "Chronicles of the Classes." 
 
 Respond, v. i. To make answer, or disclose 
 otherwise a consciousness of having inspired 
 an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls 
 
290 
 
 "external coexistences," as Satan "squat 
 like a toad" at the ear of Eve, responded to 
 the touch of the angel's spear. To respond 
 in damages is to contribute to the mainten- 
 ance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incident- 
 ally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. 
 
 Responsibility, «. A detachable burden 
 easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, 
 Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the 
 days of astrology it was customary to unload 
 it upon a star. 
 
 Alas, things ain't what we should see 
 
 If Eve had let that apple be; 
 
 And many a feller which had ought 
 
 To set with monarchses of thought, 
 
 Or play some rosy little game 
 
 With battle-chaps on fields of fame, 
 
 Is downed by his unlucky star, 
 
 And hollers: "Peanuts! — here you are!" 
 
 "The Sturdy Beggar!" 
 
 Restitution, n. The founding or endowing 
 of universities and public libraries by gift or 
 bequest. 
 
 Restitutor, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. 
 
291 
 
 Retaliation, n. The natural rock upon 
 which is reared the Temple of Law. 
 
 Retribution, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone 
 that falls alike upon the just and such of the 
 unjust as have not procured shelter by evic- 
 ting them. 
 
 In the lines following, addressed to an 
 Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca 
 Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his 
 sense of the imprudence of turning about to 
 face Retribution when it is taking exercise : 
 
 What, what ! Dom Pedro, you desire to go 
 
 Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? 
 Why, what assurance have vou*twould be so? 
 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, 
 And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at 
 Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know 
 That empires are ungrateful; are you certain 
 Republics are less handy to get hurt in? 
 
 Reveille, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to 
 dream of battlefields no more, but get up 
 and have their blue noses counted. In the 
 American army it is ingeniously called 
 "rev-e-lee," and to that pronunciation our 
 countrymen have pledged their lives, their 
 misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. 
 
292 
 
 Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. 
 John the Divine concealed all that he knew. 
 The revealing is done by the commentators, 
 who know nothing. 
 
 Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of a 
 man to a god and a dog to a man. 
 
 Review, v. t. 
 
 To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, 
 
 Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) 
 -.At work upon a book, and so read out of it 
 
 The qualities that you have first read into it. 
 
 Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change 
 in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, 
 in American history, the substitution of the 
 rule of an Administration for that of a Min- 
 istry, whereby the welfare and happiness of 
 the people were advanced a full half-inch. 
 Revolutions are usually accompanied by a 
 considerable effusion of blood, but are ac- 
 counted worth it — this appraisement being 
 made by beneficiaries whose blood had not 
 the mischance to be shed. The French 
 revolution is of incalculable value to the 
 Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string 
 
293 
 
 actuating its bones its gestures are inex- 
 pressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected 
 of fomenting law and order. 
 
 Rhadomancer, n. One who uses a divining- 
 rod in prospecting for precious metals in 
 the pocket of a fool. 
 
 Ribaldry, «. Censorious language by another 
 concerning oneself. 
 
 RiBROASTER, n. Censorious language by one- 
 self concerning another. The word is of 
 classical refinement, and is even said to have 
 been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, 
 one of the most fastidious writers of the fif- 
 teenth century — commonly, indeed, re- 
 garded as the founder of the Fastidiotic 
 School. 
 
 RiCE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly 
 used by our most popular novelists and 
 poets to regulate the imagination and nar- 
 cotize the comscience. It is said to be rich 
 in both obtundite and lethargine, and is 
 brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of 
 the Dismal Swamp. 
 
294 
 
 Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an 
 accounting the property of the indolent, the 
 incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and 
 the luckless. That is the view that prevails 
 in the underworld, where the Brotherhood 
 of Man finds its most logical development 
 and candid advocacy. To denizens of the 
 midworld the word means good and wise. 
 
 Riches, «. 
 
 A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my be- 
 loved son, in whom I am well pleased." — John D. 
 Rockefeller. 
 
 The reward of toil and virtue. — J. P. Morgan. 
 
 The savings of many in the hands of one. — Eugene 
 Debs. 
 
 To these excellent definitions the inspired 
 lexicographer feels that he can add nothing 
 of value. 
 
 Ridicule, n. Words designed to show that 
 the person of whom they are uttered is 
 devoid of the dignity of character disting- 
 uishing him who utters them. It may be 
 graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftes- 
 bury is quoted as having pronounced it the 
 test of truth — a ridiculous assertion, for 
 many a solemn fallacy has undergone cent- 
 
295 
 
 uries of ridicule with no abatement of its 
 popular acceptance. What, for example, 
 has been more valorously derided than the 
 doctrine of Infant Respectability? 
 
 Right, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do 
 or to have ; as the right to be a king, the right 
 to do one's neighbor, the right to have 
 measles, and the like. The first of these 
 rights was once universally believed to 
 be derived directly from the will of God; 
 and this is still sometimes affirmed in part- 
 ibus infidelium outside the enlightened 
 realms of Democracy; as. the well known 
 lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following: 
 
 By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? 
 
 Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r ? 
 He surely were as stubborn as a mule 
 Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour 
 His uninvited session on the throne, or air 
 His pride securely in the Presidential chair. 
 
 Whatever is is so by Right Divine; 
 
 Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! 
 It were a wondrous thing if His design 
 A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand ! 
 If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) 
 Is guilty of contributory negligence. 
 
296 
 
 Righteousness, n. A sturdy virtue that 
 was once found among the Pantidoodles 
 inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula 
 of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made 
 by returned missionaries to introduce it into 
 several European countries, but it appears 
 to have been imperfectly expounded. An 
 example of this faulty exposition is found 
 in the only extant sermon of the pious 
 Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage 
 from which is here given : 
 
 "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy 
 state of mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites 
 and obedience to the letter of the law. It is not 
 enough that one be pious and just: one must see to it 
 that others also are in the same state; and to this 
 end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as 
 my injustice may work ill to another, so by his injus- 
 tice may evil be wrought upon still another, the which 
 it is as manifestly my duty to estop as to forestall mine 
 own tort. Wherefore if I would be righteous I am 
 bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, 
 in all those injurious enterprises from which, through 
 a better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do 
 myself refrain." 
 
 Rime, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of 
 verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, 
 as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. 
 Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." 
 
297 
 
 Rimer, n. A poet regarded with indifference 
 or disesteem. 
 
 The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, 
 The sound surceases and the sense expires. 
 Then the domestic dog, to east and west, 
 Expounds the passions burning in his breast. 
 The rising moon o'er that enchanted land 
 Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. 
 
 Mowbray Myles. 
 
 RlOT^ n. A popular entertainment given to 
 the military by innocent bystanders. 
 
 R. I. P. A careless abbreviation of requtescat 
 in pace, attesting an indolent goodwill to 
 the dead. According to the learned Dr. 
 Drigge, however, the letters originally 
 meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis. 
 
 Rite, n. A religious or semi-religious cere- 
 mony fixed by law, precept or custom, with 
 the essential oil of sincerity carefully 
 squeezed out of it. 
 
 Ritualism, n. A Dutch Garden of God where 
 He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keep- 
 ing off the grass. 
 
298 
 
 Road, n. A strip of land along which one may 
 pass from where it is too tiresome to be to 
 where it is futile to go. 
 
 All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, 
 Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back 
 home. 
 
 Borey the Bald. 
 
 Robber, n. A candid man of affairs. 
 
 It is related of Voltaire that one night he 
 and some traveling companions lodged at a 
 wayside inn. The surroundings were sug- 
 gestive, and after supper they agreed to tell 
 robber stories in turn. When Voltaire's 
 turn came he said: "Once there was a 
 Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying 
 nothing more, he was encouraged to con- 
 tinue. "That," he said, "is the story." 
 
 Romance, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance 
 to the God of Things as They Are. In the 
 novel the writer's thought is tethered to 
 probability, as a domestic horse to the hitch- 
 ing-post, but in romance it ranges at will 
 over the entire region of the imagination — 
 free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your 
 novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might 
 
299 
 
 say — a mere reporter. He may invent his 
 characters and plot, but he must not imagine 
 anything taking place that might not occur, 
 albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. 
 Why he imposes this hard condition on him- 
 self, and "drags at each remove a lengthen- 
 ing chain" of his own forging he can explain 
 in ten thick volumes without illuminating 
 by so much as a candle's ray the black pro- 
 found of his own ignorance of the matter. 
 There are great novels, for great writers 
 have "laid waste their powers" to write 
 them, but it remains true that far and away 
 the most fascinating fiction that we have is 
 "The Thousand and One Nights." 
 
 Rope, n. An obsolescent appliance for remind- 
 ing assassins that they too are mortal. It is 
 put about the neck and remains in place 
 one's whole life long. It has been largely 
 superseded by a more complex electrical 
 device worn upon another part of the per- 
 son; and this is rapidly giving place to an 
 apparatus known as the preachment. 
 
 Rostrum, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or 
 the prow of a ship. In America, a place 
 from which a candidate for office energetic- 
 
300 
 
 ally expounds the wisdom, virtue and 
 power of the rabble. 
 
 Roundhead, n. A member of the Parliament- 
 arian party in the English civil war — so 
 called from his habit of wearing his hair 
 short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, 
 wore his long. There were other points of 
 difference between them, but the fashion in 
 hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. 
 The Cavaliers were royalists because the 
 king, an indolent fellow, found it more con- 
 venient to let his hair grow than to wash his 
 neck. This the Roundheads, who were 
 mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an 
 injury to trade, and the royal neck was there- 
 fore the object of their particular indigna- 
 tion. Descendants of the belligerents now 
 wear their hair all alike, but the fires of 
 animosity enkindled in that ancient strife 
 smoulder to this day beneath the snows of 
 British civility. 
 
 Rubbish, «. Worthless matter, such as the 
 religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and 
 sciences of the tribes infesting the regions 
 lying due south from Boreaplas. 
 
301 
 
 Ruin, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy 
 a maid's belief in the virtue of maids. 
 
 Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that pro- 
 duce madness in total abstainers. 
 
 Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins 
 of character. 
 
 Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, 
 
 By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, 
 O serviceable Rumor, let me wield 
 
 Against my enemy no other blade. 
 His be the terror of a foe unseen, 
 
 His the inutile hand upon the hilt, 
 And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, 
 
 Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. 
 So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, 
 Spare me to celebrate his overthrow. 
 And nurse my valor for another foe. 
 
 Joel Buxter. 
 
 Russian, n. A person with a Caucasian body 
 and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic. 
 
 Sabbath^ n. A weekly festival having its 
 origin in the fact that God made ttie world 
 
302 
 
 in six days and was arrested on the seventh. 
 Among the Jews observance of the day was 
 enforced by a Commandment of which this 
 is the Christian version: "Remember the 
 seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it 
 wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and 
 expedient that the Sabbath should be the 
 last day of the week, but the Early Fathers 
 of the Church held other views. So great 
 is the sanctity of the day that even where the 
 Lord holds a doubtful and precarious juris- 
 diction over those who go down to (and 
 down into) the sea it is reverently recog- 
 nized, as is manifest in the following deep- 
 water version of the Fourth Command- 
 ment: 
 
 Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, 
 And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the 
 cable. 
 
 Decks are no longer holystoned, but the 
 cable still supplies the captain with opport- 
 unity to attest a pious respect for the divine 
 ordinance. 
 
 Sacerdotalist, n. One who holds the belief 
 that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this 
 
303 
 
 momentous doctrine is the hardiest chal- 
 lenge that is now flung into the teeth of the 
 Episcolopian church by the Neo-Dic- 
 tionarians. 
 
 Sacrament^ n. A solemn religious ceremony 
 to which several degrees of authority and 
 significance are attached. Rome has seven 
 sacraments, but the Protestant churches, be- 
 ing less prosperous, feel that they can aflford 
 only two, and these of inferior sanctity. 
 Some of the smaller sects have no sacra- 
 ments at all — for which mean economy they 
 will indubitably be damned. 
 
 Sacred, adj. Dedicated to some religious 
 purpose; having a divine character; inspir- 
 ing solemn thoughts or emotions; asj the 
 Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of 
 M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; 
 the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat 
 and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the 
 Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that 
 bit Noah, etc. 
 
 All things are either sacred or profane. 
 The former to ecclesiasts bring gain ; 
 The latter to the devil appertain. 
 
 Dumbo Omohundro, 
 
304 
 
 Sandlotter, n. A vertebrate mammal hold- 
 ing the political views of Denis Kearney, a 
 notorious demagogue of San Francisco, 
 whose audiences gathered in the open spaces 
 (sandlots) of the town. True to the tradi- 
 tions of his species, this leader of the pro- 
 letariat was finally bought off by his law- 
 and-order enemies, living prosperously 
 silent and dying impenitently rich. But be- 
 fore his treason he imposed upon California 
 a constitution that was a confection of sin in 
 a diction of solecisms. The similarity be- 
 tween the words "sandlotter" and "sans- 
 culotte" is problematically significant, but 
 indubitably suggestive. 
 
 Safety-Clutch, n. A mechanical device act- 
 ing automatically to prevent the fall of an 
 elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to 
 the hoisting apparatus. 
 
 Once I seen a human ruin 
 
 In a elevator- well, 
 And his members was bestrewin' 
 
 All the place where he had fell. 
 
 And I says, apostrophisin' 
 
 That uncommon woful wreck: 
 "Your position's so surprisin' 
 
 That I tremble for your neck !" 
 
305 
 
 Then that ruin, smilin' sadly 
 And impressive, up and spoke: 
 
 "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, 
 For it's been a fortnight broke." 
 
 Then, for further comprehension 
 
 Of his attitude, he begs 
 I will focus my attention 
 
 On his various arms and legs — 
 
 How they all are contumacious; 
 
 Where they each, respective, lie; 
 How one trotter proves ungracious, 
 
 T'other one an alibi. 
 
 These particulars is mentioned 
 
 For to show his dismal state. 
 Which I wasn't first intentioned 
 
 To specifical relate. 
 
 None is worser to be dreaded 
 
 That I ever have heard tell 
 Than the gent's who there was spreaded 
 
 In that elevator-well. 
 
 Now this tale is allegoric — 
 
 It is figurative all, 
 For the well is metaphoric 
 
 And the feller didn't fall. 
 
 I opine it isn't moral 
 
 For a writer-man to cheat, 
 And despise to wear a laurel 
 
 As was gotten by deceit. 
 
306 
 
 For 'tis Politics intended 
 
 By the elevator, mind, 
 It will boost a person splendid 
 
 If his talent is the kind. 
 
 Col. Bryan had the talent 
 
 (For the busted man is him) 
 And it shot him up right gallant 
 
 Till his head begun to swim. 
 
 Then the rope it broke above him 
 
 And he painful come to earth 
 Where there's nobody to love him 
 
 For his detrimented worth. 
 
 Though he's livin' none would know him, 
 
 Or at leastwise not as such. 
 Moral of this woful poem: 
 
 Frequent oil your safety-clutch. 
 
 Porfer Poog. 
 
 Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. 
 The Duchess of Orleans relates that the 
 irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Vil- 
 leroi, who in his youth had known St. 
 Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called 
 saint: "I am delighted to hear that Mon- 
 sieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of 
 saying indelicate things, and used to cheat 
 at cards. In other respects he was a perfect 
 gentleman, though a fool." 
 
307 
 
 Salacity, «. A certain literary quality fre- 
 quently observed in popular novels, espec- 
 ially in those written by women and young 
 girls, who give it another name and think 
 that in introducing it they are occupying a 
 neglected field of letters and reaping an 
 overlooked harvest. If they have the mis- 
 fortune to live long enough they are tor- 
 mented with a desire to burn their sheaves. 
 
 Salamander, n. Originally a reptile inhabit- 
 ing fire; later, an anthropomorphous im- 
 mortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders 
 are now believed to be extinct, the last one of 
 which we have an account having been seen 
 in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who 
 exorcised it with a bucket of holy water. 
 
 Sarcophagus, n. ' Among the Greeks a coffin 
 which being made of a certain kind of carn- 
 ivorous stone, had the peculiar property of 
 devouring the body placed in it. The sarc- 
 ophagus known to modern obsequiograph- 
 ers is commonly a product of the carpenter's 
 art. 
 
 Satan, n. One of the Creator's lamentable 
 mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. 
 
308 
 
 Being instated as an archangel, Satan made 
 himself multifariously objectionable and 
 was finally expelled from Heaven. Half- 
 way in his descent he paused, bent his head 
 in thought a moment and at last went back. 
 "There is one favor that I should like to 
 ask," said he. 
 
 "Name it." 
 
 "Man, I understand, is about to be 
 created. He will need laws." 
 
 "What, wretch ! you his appointed advers- 
 ary, charged from the dawn of eternity 
 with hatred of his soul — you ask for the 
 right to make his laws?" 
 
 "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be 
 permitted to make them himself." 
 
 It was so ordered. 
 
 Satiety^ n. The feeling that one has for the 
 plate after he has eaten its contents, madam. 
 
 Satire, n. An obsolete kind of literary com- 
 position in which the vices and follies of the 
 author's enemies were expounded with 
 imperfect tenderness. In this country sat- 
 ire never had more than a sickly and uncer- 
 tain existence, for the soul of it is wit, 
 wherein we are dolefully deficient, the 
 
309 
 
 humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, 
 being tolerant and sympathetic. More- 
 over, although Americans are "endowed by 
 their Creator" with abundant vice and 
 folly, it is not generally known that these 
 are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the 
 satirist is popularly regarded as a sour- 
 spirited knave, and his every victim's out- 
 cry for codefendants evokes a national 
 assent. 
 
 Hail Satire ! be thy praises ever sung 
 In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, 
 For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well — 
 Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. 
 Had it been such as consecrates the Bible 
 Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. 
 
 Barney Stims. 
 
 Satyr^ n. One of the few characters of the 
 Grecian mythology accorded recognition in 
 the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The 
 satyr was at first a member of the dissolute 
 community acknowledging a loose allegi- 
 ance to Dionysius, but underwent many 
 transformations and improvements. Not 
 infrequently he is confounded with the faun, 
 a later and decenter creation of the Romans, 
 
310 
 
 who was less like a man and more like a 
 goat. 
 
 Sauce, «. The one infallible sign of civiliz- 
 ation and enlightenment. A people with 
 no sauces has one thousand vices; a people 
 with one sauce has only nine hundred and 
 ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and 
 accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. 
 
 Saw^ n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. 
 (Figurative and colloquial.) So called 
 because it makes its way into a wooden head. 
 Following are examples of old saws fitted 
 with new teeth. 
 
 A penny saved is a penny to squander. 
 
 A man is known by the company that he organizes. 
 
 A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls 
 him that. 
 
 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 
 
 Better late than before anybody has invited you. 
 
 Example is better than following it. 
 
 Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there b 
 much else* , 
 
311 
 
 Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. 
 
 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking 
 somebody to do it. 
 
 Least said is soonest disavowed. 
 
 He laughs best who laughs least. 
 
 Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. 
 
 Of two evils choose to be the least. 
 
 Strike while your employer has a big contract. 
 
 Where there's a will there's a won't. 
 
 SCARAB^US, n. The sacred beetle of the an- 
 cient Egyptians, allied to our familiar 
 "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize 
 immortality, the fact that God knew why 
 giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of 
 incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may 
 also have commended it to the favor of the 
 priesthood, and may some day assure it an 
 equal reverence among ourselves. True, 
 the American beetle is an inferior beetle, 
 but the American priest is an inferior 
 priest. 
 
312 
 
 SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabagus. 
 
 He fell by his own hand 
 
 Beneath the great oak tree. 
 He'd traveled in a foreign land. 
 He tried to make her understand 
 The dance that's called the Saraband, 
 But he called it Scarabee. 
 He had called it so through an afternoon, 
 
 And she, the light of his harem if so might be. 
 Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair 
 to see. 
 All frosted there in the shine o' the moon — 
 
 Dead for a Scarabee 
 And a recollection that came too late. 
 O Fate! 
 They buried him where he lay, 
 He sleeps awaiting the Day, 
 In state. 
 And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, 
 Gloom over the grave and then move on. 
 Dead for a Scarabee! 
 
 Fernando Topple. 
 
 Scarification, n. A form of penance prac- 
 tised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was 
 performed, sometimes with a knife, some- 
 times with a hot iron, but always, says Ar- 
 senius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent 
 spared himself no pain nor harmless dis- 
 figurement. Scarification, with other crude 
 
313 
 
 penances, has now been superseded by bene- 
 faction. The founding of a library or endow- 
 ment of a university is said to yield to the 
 penitent a sharper and more lasting pain 
 than is conferred by the knife or iron, and 
 is therefore a surer means of grace. There 
 are, however, two grave objections to it as a 
 penitential method: the good that it does 
 and the taint of justice. 
 
 Scepter, n. A king's staff of office, the sign 
 and symbol of his authority. It was origin- 
 ally a mace with which the sovereign 
 admonished his jester and vetoed minis- 
 terial measures by breaking the bones of 
 their proponents. 
 
 SciMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding 
 keenness, in the conduct of which certain 
 Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as 
 the incident here related will serve to show. 
 The account is translated from the Japanese 
 of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thir- 
 teenth century. 
 
 When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he con- 
 demned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the 
 Court. Soon after the hour appointed for perform- 
 ance of the rite what was his Majesty's surprise to see 
 
314 
 
 calmly approaching the throne the man who should 
 have been at that time ten minutes dead ! 
 
 "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted 
 the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to 
 stand in the market-place and have your head struck 
 off by the public executioner at three o'clock? And 
 is it not now 3:10?" 
 
 "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the 
 condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that 
 the truth is a lie in comparison. But your heavenly 
 Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestil- 
 ently disregarded. With joy I ran and placed my 
 unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner 
 appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously whirled 
 it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, 
 strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was 
 ever a favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon 
 his own dishonorable and treasonous head." 
 
 "To what regiment of executioners does the black- 
 boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. 
 
 "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty- 
 seventh — I know the man. His name is Sakko- 
 Samshi." 
 
 "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado 
 to an attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood 
 in the Presence. 
 
 "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback 
 without thumbs!" roared the sovereign — "why didst 
 thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been 
 thy pleasure to sever?" 
 
 "Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the 
 
315 
 
 executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow his 
 nose with his fingers." 
 
 Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and 
 trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting to see the 
 severed head flung violently from him. Nothing oc- 
 curred: the performance prospered peacefully to the 
 close, without incident. 
 
 All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who 
 had grown as white as the snows on the summit of 
 Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in 
 gasps of terror. 
 
 "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; 
 "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck 
 the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar I 
 had accidentally passed it through my own neck! 
 Father of the Moon, I resign my office." 
 
 So saying, he grasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, 
 and advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the 
 Mikado's feet. 
 
 SCRAP-BoOK, n. A book that is commonly 
 edited by a fool. Many persons of some small 
 distinction compile scrap-books containing 
 whatever they happen to read about them- 
 selves or employ others to collect. One of 
 these egotists was addressed in the lines fol- 
 lowing, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: 
 
 Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast 
 
 You keep a record true 
 Of every kind of peppered roast 
 That's made of you; 
 
316 
 
 Wherein you paste the printed gibes 
 
 That revel round your name, 
 Thinking the laughter of the scribes 
 Attests your fame; 
 
 Where all the pictures you arrange 
 
 That comic pencils trace — 
 Your funny figure and your strange 
 Semitic face — 
 
 Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, 
 
 Nor art, but there I'll list 
 The daily drubbings you'd have got 
 Had God a fist. 
 
 Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose 
 views are antagonistic to one's own. 
 
 Scriptures, «. The sacred books of our holy 
 religion, as distinguished from the false and 
 profane writings on which all other faiths 
 are based. 
 
 Seal, w. A mark impressed upon certain 
 kinds of documents to attest their authentic- 
 ity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped 
 upon wax, and attached to the paper, some- 
 times into the paper itself. Sealing, in this 
 sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of 
 inscribing important papers with cabalistic 
 
817 
 
 words or signs to give them a magical effic- 
 acy independent of the authority that they 
 represent. In the British museum are pre- 
 served many ancient papers, mostly of a 
 sacerdotal character, validated by necrom- 
 antic pentagrams and other devices, fre- 
 quently initial letters of words to conjure 
 with; and in many instances these are at- 
 tached in the same way that seals are ap- 
 pended now. As nearly every reasonless 
 and apparently meaningless custom, rite or 
 observance of modern times had origin in 
 some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an 
 example of ancient nonsense evolving in the 
 process of ages into something really use- 
 ful. Our word "sincere" is derived from 
 sine cero, without wax, but the learned are 
 not in agreement as to whether this refers 
 to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to 
 that of the wax with which letters were 
 formerly closed from public scrutiny. 
 Either view of the matter will serve one in 
 immediate need of an hypothesis. The 
 initials L. S., commonly appended to sig- 
 natures of legal documents, mean locum 
 sigillis, the place of the seal, although the 
 seal is no longer used — an admirable ex- 
 ample of conservatism distinguishing Man 
 
318 
 
 from the beasts that perish. The words 
 locum sigillis are humbly suggested as a 
 suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands 
 whenever they shall take their place as a 
 sovereign State of the American Union. 
 
 Seine, n. A kind of net for effecting an invol- 
 untary change of environment. For fish it 
 is made strong and coarse, but women are 
 more easily taken with a singularly delicate 
 fabric weighted with small, cut stones. 
 
 The devil casting a seine of lace, 
 
 (With precious stones 'twas weighted) 
 
 Drew it into the landing place 
 And its contents calculated. 
 
 All souls of women were in that sack — 
 
 A draft miraculous, precious! 
 But ere he could throw it across his back 
 
 They'd all escaped through the meshes. 
 
 Baruch de Loppis. 
 
 Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. 
 
 Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and 
 to nobody else. 
 
 Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the 
 selfishness of others. 
 
319 
 
 Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen 
 charged with high duties and misdemeanors. 
 
 Serial, n. A literary work, usually a story 
 that is not true, creeping through several 
 issues of a newspaper or magazine. Fre- 
 quently appended to each instalment is a 
 "synopsis of preceding chapters" for those 
 who have not read them, but a direr need is 
 a synopsis of succeeding chapters for those 
 who do not intend to read them. A synopsis 
 of the entire work would be still better. 
 
 The late James F. Bowman was writing 
 a serial tale for a weekly paper in collabora- 
 tion with a genius whose name has not come 
 down to us. They wrote, not jointly but 
 alternately, Bowman supplying the instal- 
 ment for one week, his friend for the next, 
 and so on, world without end, they hoped. 
 Unfortunately they quarreled, and one 
 Monday morning when Bowman read the 
 paper to prepare himself for his task, he 
 found his work cut out for him in a way to 
 surprise and pain him. His collaborator 
 had embarked every character of the nar- 
 rative on a ship and sunk them all in the 
 deepest part of the Atlantic. 
 
320 
 
 Severalty, n. Separateness, as, lands in sev- 
 eralty, i. e., lands held individually, not in 
 joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians 
 are believed now to be sufficiently civilized 
 to have in severalty the lands that they have 
 hitherto held as tribal organizations, and 
 could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads 
 and potato whiskey. 
 
 Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind 
 Saw death before, hell and the grave behind ; 
 Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay — 
 His small belongings their appointed prey; 
 Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, 
 Persuaded elsewhere every little while! 
 His fire unquenched and his undying worm 
 By "land in severalty" (charming term!) 
 Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, 
 And he to his new holding anchored fast! 
 
 Sheriff, n. In America the chief executive 
 officer of a county, whose most characteristic 
 duties, in some of the Western and Southern 
 States, are the catching and hanging of 
 rogues. 
 
 John Elmer Pettibone Cajee 
 (I write of him with little glee) 
 Was just as bad as he could be. 
 
321 
 
 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! 
 The sun has never looked upon 
 So bad a man as Neighbor John." 
 
 A sinner through and through, he had 
 This added fault: it made him mad 
 To know another man was bad. 
 
 In such a case he thought it right 
 
 To rise at any hour of night 
 
 And quench that wicked person's light. 
 
 Despite the town's entreaties, he 
 Would hale him to the nearest tree 
 And leave him swinging wide and free. 
 
 Or sometimes, if the humor came, 
 A luckless wight's reluctant frame 
 Was given to the cheerful flame. 
 
 While it was turning nice and brown, 
 All unconcerned John met the frown 
 Of that austere and righteous town. 
 
 "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he 
 So scornful of the law should be — 
 An anar c, h, i, s, t." 
 
 (That is the way that they preferred 
 
 To utter the abhorrent word, 
 
 So strong the aversion that it stirred.) 
 
322 
 
 "Resolved," they said, continuing, 
 
 "That Badman John must cease this thing 
 
 Of having his unlawful fling. 
 
 "Now, by these sacred relics" — here 
 Each man had out a souvenir 
 Got at a lynching yesteryear — 
 
 "By these we swear he shall forsake 
 His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache 
 By sins of rope and torch and stake. 
 
 "We'll tie his red right hand until 
 He'll have small freedom to fulfil 
 The mandates of his lawless will." 
 
 So, in convention then and there. 
 They named him Sheriff. The affair 
 Was opened, it is said, with prayer. 
 
 J. Milton Sloluck. 
 
 Siren, n. One of several musical prodigies 
 famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odys- 
 seus from a life on the ocean wave. Figurat- 
 ively, any lady of splendid promise, dis- 
 sembled purpose and disappointing per- 
 formance. 
 
 Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog [Pig- 
 noramus intolerabilis) with an audible 
 
323 
 
 memory. The speech of one who utters 
 with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, 
 and feels the pride of a creator in accom- 
 plishing the feat of a parrot. A means 
 (under Providence) of setting up as a wit 
 without a capital of sense. 
 
 Smithareen, w. a fragment, a decomponent 
 part, a remain. The word is used variously, 
 but in the following verses on a noted female 
 reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by 
 women because it "led them to the devil" it 
 is seen at its best: 
 
 The wheels go round without a sound — 
 
 The maidens hold high revel; 
 In sinful mood, insanely gay, 
 True spinsters spin adown the way 
 
 From duty to the devil! 
 They laugh, they sing, and — ting-a-Hng! 
 
 Their bells go all the morning ; 
 Their lanterns bright bestar the night 
 
 Pedestrians a-warning. 
 With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, 
 
 Good-Lording and O-mying, 
 Her rheumatism forgotten quite, 
 
 Her fat with anger frying. 
 She blocks the path that leads to wrath. 
 
 Jack Satan's power defying. 
 
324 
 
 The wheels go round without a sound 
 The lights burn red and blue and green. 
 
 What's this that's found upon the ground? 
 Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen ! 
 
 John William Yope. 
 
 Sophistry, n. The controversial method of an 
 opponent, distinguished from one's own by 
 superior insincerity and fooling. This 
 method is that of the later Sophists, a Gre- 
 cian sect of philosophers who began by 
 teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, 
 in brief, whatever men ought to know, but 
 lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a 
 fog of words. 
 
 His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, 
 
 And drags his sophistry to light of day; 
 
 Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort 
 
 To falsehood of so desperate a sort. 
 
 Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, 
 
 He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. 
 
 Polydore Smith. 
 
 Sorcery, n. The ancient prototype and fore- 
 runner of political influence. It was, how- 
 ever, deemed less respectable and sometimes 
 was punished by torture and death. August- 
 ine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant 
 
325 
 
 who had been accused of sorcery was put to 
 the torture to compel a confession. After 
 enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering 
 simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively 
 asked his tormentors if it were not possible 
 to be a sorcerer without knowing it. 
 
 Soul, n. A spiritual entity concerning which 
 there hath been brave disputation. Plato 
 held that those souls which in a previous 
 state of existence (antedating Athens) had 
 obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal 
 truth entered into the bodies of persons who 
 became philosophers. Plato was himself a 
 philosopher. The souls that had least con- 
 templated divine truth animated the bodies 
 of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who 
 had threatened to decapitate the broad- 
 browed philosopher, was a usurper and 
 despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first 
 to construct a system of philosophy that 
 could be quoted against his enemies; cer- 
 tainly he was not the last. 
 
 "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith 
 the renowned author of Diversiones Sanc- 
 torum, "there hath been hardly more argu- 
 ment than that of its place in the body. Mine 
 own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the 
 
326 
 
 abdomen — in which faith we may dis- 
 cern and interpret a truth hitherto unintel- 
 ligible, namely that the glutton is of all men 
 most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 
 'make a god of his belly' — ^why, then, 
 should he not be pious, having ever his 
 Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who 
 so well as he can know the might and 
 majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, 
 the soul and the stomach are one Divine 
 Entity; and such was the belief of Proma- 
 sius, who nevertheless erred in denying it 
 immortality. He had observed that its visi- 
 ble and material substance failed and de- 
 cayed with the rest of the body after death, 
 but of its immaterial essence he knew no- 
 thing. This is what we call the Appetite, and 
 it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, 
 to be rewarded or punished in another 
 world, according to what it hath demanded 
 in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse 
 clamoring was for the unwholesome viands 
 of the general market and the public refect- 
 ory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst 
 that which firmly though civilly insisted on 
 ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, path 
 de foie gras and all such Christian comesti- 
 bles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls 
 
327 
 
 of them forever and ever, and wreak its 
 divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the 
 rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here 
 below. Such is my religious faith, though I 
 grieve to confess that neither His Holiness 
 the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of 
 Canterbury (whom I equally and pro- 
 foundly revere) will assent to its dissemina- 
 tion." 
 
 Spooker, n. A writer whose imagination con- 
 cerns itself with supernatural phenomena, 
 especially the doings of spooks. One of the 
 most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. 
 William D. Howells, who introduces a 
 well-credentialed reader to as respectable 
 and mannerly a company of spooks as one 
 could wish to meet. To the terror that 
 invests the chairman of a district school 
 board, the Howells ghost adds something of 
 the mystery enveloping a farmer from an- 
 other township. 
 
 Story, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. 
 The truth of the stories here following has, 
 however, not been successfully impeached. 
 
 One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of 
 
328 
 
 New York, found himself seated at dinner 
 alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the dis- 
 tinguished critic. 
 
 "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The 
 Biography of a Dead Cow, is published 
 anonymously, but you can hardly be ignor- 
 ant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you 
 speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the 
 Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" 
 
 "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, 
 amiably, "but it did not occur to me that 
 you really might not wish the public to 
 know who wrote it." 
 
 Mr. W. C. Morrow, who used to live in 
 San Jose, California, was addicted to writ- 
 ing ghost stories which made the reader 
 feel as if a stream of lizards, fresh from the 
 ice, were streaking it up his back and hid- 
 ing in his hair. San Jose was at that time 
 believed to be haunted by the visible spirit 
 of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had 
 been hanged there. The town was not very 
 well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to 
 say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' 
 nights. One particularly dark night two 
 gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot 
 within the city limits, talking loudly to keep 
 
329 
 
 up their courage, when they came upon Mr. 
 J. J. Owen, a well-known journalist. 
 
 "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings 
 you here on such a night as this? You told 
 me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite 
 haunts! And you are a believer. Aren't 
 you afraid to be out?" 
 
 "My dear fellow," the journalist replied 
 with a drear autumnal cadence in his 
 speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, 
 "I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will 
 Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't 
 dare to go where there is light enough to 
 read it." 
 
 Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative 
 Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace 
 Monument, in Washington, discussing the 
 question. Is success a failure? Mr. Joy sud- 
 denly broke off in the middle of an eloquent 
 sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard 
 that band before. Santlemann's, I think." 
 
 "I don't hear any band," said Schley. 
 
 "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; 
 "but I see General Miles coming down the 
 avenue, and that pageant always affects me 
 in the same way as a brass band. One has 
 to scrutinize one's impressions pretty 
 
330 
 
 closely, or one will mistake their origin." 
 
 While the Admiral was digesting this 
 hasty meal of philosophy General Miles 
 passed in review, a spectacle of impressive 
 dignity. When the tail of the seeming pro- 
 cession had passed and the two observers 
 had recovered from the transient blindness 
 
 caused by its effulgence 
 
 "He seems to be enjoying himself," said 
 the Admiral. 
 
 "There is nothing," assented Joy, thought- 
 fully, "that he enjoys one-half so well." 
 
 The illustrious statesman. Champ Clark, 
 once lived about a mile from the village of 
 Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into 
 town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the 
 beast on the sunny side of a street, in front 
 of a saloon, he went inside in his character 
 of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that 
 wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot 
 day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and 
 seeing Clark, said: 
 
 "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule 
 out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! — 
 he was smoking as I passed him." 
 
 "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; 
 ''he's an inveterate smoker." 
 
331 
 
 The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook 
 his head and repeated that it was not right. 
 
 He was a conspirator. There had been 
 a fire the night before: a stable just around 
 the corner had burned and a number of 
 horses had put on their immortality, among 
 them a young colt, which was roasted to a 
 rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had 
 turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substi- 
 tuted the mortal part of the colt. Presently 
 another man entered the saloon. 
 
 "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it 
 with sugar, "do remove that mule, bar- 
 keeper: it smells." 
 
 "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has 
 the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't 
 mind, you shouldn't." 
 
 In the course of human events Mr. Clark 
 went out, and there, apparently, lay the in- 
 cinerated and shrunken remains of his 
 charger. The boys did not have any fun 
 out of Mr. Clark, who looked at the body 
 and, with the non-committal expression to 
 which he owes so much of his political pre- 
 ferment, went away. But walking home 
 late that night he saw his mule standing 
 silent and solemn by the wayside in the 
 misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of 
 
332 
 
 Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, 
 Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as 
 ever he could hook it, and passed the night 
 in town. 
 
 General H. H. Wotherspoon, president 
 of the Army War College, has a pet rib- 
 nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon in- 
 telligence but imperfectly beautiful. Re- 
 turning to his apartment one evening, the 
 General was surprised and pained to find 
 Adam (for so the creature is named, the 
 general being a Darwinian) sitting up for 
 him and wearing its master's best uniform 
 coat, epaulettes and all. 
 
 "You confounded remote ancestor!" 
 thundered the great strategist, "what do 
 you mean by being out of bed after taps? — 
 and with my coat on I" 
 
 Adam rose and with a reproachful look 
 got down on all fours in the manner of his 
 kind and, scuffling across the room to a 
 table, returned with a visiting-card: Gen- 
 eral Barry had called and, judging by an 
 empty champagne bottle and several cigar- 
 stumps, had been hospitably entertained 
 while waiting. The general apologized to 
 his faithful progenitor and retired. The 
 
333 
 
 next day he met General Barry, who said: 
 "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last 
 evening I forgot to ask you about those ex- 
 cellent cigars. Where do you get them?" 
 
 General Wotherspoon did not deign to 
 reply, but walked away. 
 
 "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving 
 after him; "I was joking of course. Why, 
 I knew it was not you before I had been in 
 the room fifteen minutes." 
 
 Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against 
 one's fellows. In literature, and particu- 
 larly in poetry, the elements of success are 
 exceedingly simple, and are admirably set 
 forth in the following lines by the reverend 
 Father Gassilasca Jape, entitled, for some 
 mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." 
 
 The bard who would prosper must carry a book, 
 
 Do his thinking in prose and wear 
 A crimson cravat, a far-away look 
 
 And a head of hexameter hair. 
 Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat ; 
 If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. 
 
 Suffrage, n. Expression of opinion by means 
 of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is 
 held to be both a privilege and a duty) 
 means, as commonly interpreted, the right to 
 
334 
 
 vote for the man of another man's choice, 
 and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has 
 the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian, 
 however, cannot be properly arrainged for 
 his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. 
 If the accuser is himself guilty he has no 
 standing in the court of opinion; if not, he 
 profits by the crime, for A's abstention from 
 voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. 
 By female suffrage is meant the right of a 
 woman to vote as some man tells her to. It 
 is based on female responsibility, which is 
 somewhat limited. The woman most eager 
 to jump out of her petticoat to assert her 
 rights is first to jump back into it when 
 threatened with a switching for misusing 
 them. 
 
 Sycophant, n. One who approaches Great- 
 ness on his belly so that he may not be com- 
 manded to turn and be kicked. He is some- 
 times an editor. 
 
 As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased 
 
 To fix itself upon a part diseased 
 
 Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, 
 
 It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, 
 
 So the base sycophant with joy descries 
 
 His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, 
 
33S 
 
 Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, 
 Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. 
 Gelasma, if it paid you to devote 
 Your talent to the service of a goat, 
 Showing by forceful logic that its beard 
 Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered ; 
 If to the task of honoring its smell 
 Profit had prompted you, and love as well. 
 The world would benefit at last by you 
 And wealthy malefactors weep anew — 
 Your favor for a moment's space denied 
 And to the nobler object turned aside. 
 Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires 
 Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, 
 Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly 
 To safer villainies of darker dye. 
 Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, 
 To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread 
 May see you groveling their boots to lick 
 And begging for the favor of a kick? 
 Still must you follow to the bitter end 
 Your sycophantic disposition's trend, 
 And in your eagerness to please the rich 
 Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch ? 
 In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire. 
 And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! 
 What's Satan done that him you should eschew ? 
 He too is reeking rich — deducting you. 
 
 Syllogism, n. A logical formula consisting 
 of a major and a minor assumption and an 
 inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) 
 
336 
 
 Sylph, n. An immaterial but visible being 
 that inhabited the air when the air was an 
 element and before it was fatally polluted 
 by factory smoke, sewer gas and similar pro- 
 ducts of civilization. Sylphs were allied to 
 gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which 
 dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, 
 all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of 
 the air, were male and female, to no purpose, 
 apparently, for if they had progeny they 
 must have nested in inaccessible places, none 
 of the chicks having ever been seen. 
 
 Symbol, «. Something that is supposed to 
 typify or stand for something else. Many 
 symbols are mere "survivals" — things which 
 having no longer any utility continue to 
 exist because we have inherited the tendency 
 to make them; as funereal urns carved on 
 memorial monuments. They were once 
 real urns holding the ashes of the dead. 
 We cannot stop making them, but we can 
 give them a name that conceals our help- 
 lessness. 
 
 Symbolic, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the 
 use and interpretation of symbols. 
 
 They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; 
 
337 
 
 I hold that that's the stomach's function, 
 
 For of the sinner I have noted 
 
 That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, 
 
 Or ill some other ghastly fashion 
 
 Within that bowel' of compassion. 
 
 True, I believe the only sinner 
 
 Is he that eats a shabby dinner. 
 
 You know how Adam with good reason. 
 
 For eating apples out of season, 
 
 Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: 
 
 The truth is, Adam had the colic. 
 
 G.J. 
 
 T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, 
 was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In 
 the alphabet whence ours comes it had the 
 form of the rude corkscrew of the period, 
 and when it stood alone (which was more 
 than the Phoenicians could always do) sig- 
 nified Tallegal, translated by the learned 
 Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." 
 
 Table d' h6te, n. A caterer's thrifty conces- 
 sion to the universal passion for irresponsi- 
 bility. 
 
 Old Paunchinello, freshly wed. 
 Took Madame P. to table. 
 
338 
 
 And there deliriously fed 
 As fast as he was able. 
 
 "I dote upon good grub," he cried, 
 
 Intent upon its throatage. 
 "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, 
 
 "You're in your table d'hotage." 
 
 Associated Poets. 
 
 Tail, n. The part of an animal's spine that 
 has transcended its natural limitations to 
 set up an independent existence in a world 
 of its own. Excepting in his foetal state, 
 Man is without a tail, a privation of which 
 he attests an hereditary and uneasy con- 
 sciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and 
 the train of the female, and by a marked 
 tendency to ornament that part of his attire 
 where the tail should be, and indubitably 
 once was. This tendency is most observable 
 in the female of the species, in whom the 
 ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The 
 tailed men described by Lord Monboddo 
 are now generally regarded as a product of 
 an imagination unusually susceptible to 
 influences generated in the golden age of 
 our pithecan past. 
 
 Take, v. t. To acquire, frequently by force 
 but preferably by stealth. 
 
339 
 
 Talk, v. t. To commit an indiscretion without 
 temptation, from an impulse without pur- 
 pose. 
 
 Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, 
 designed to protect the domestic producei 
 against the greed of his consumer. 
 
 The Enemy of Human Souls 
 Sat grieving at the cost of coals; 
 For Hell had been annexed of late, 
 And was a sovereign Southern State. 
 
 "It were no more than right," said he, 
 
 "That I should get my fuel free. 
 
 The duty, neither just nor wise. 
 
 Compels me to economize — 
 
 Whereby my broilers, every one. 
 
 Are execrably underdone. 
 
 What would they have ? — although I yearn 
 
 To do them nicely to a turn, 
 
 I can't afford an honest heat. 
 
 This tariff makes even devils cheat! 
 
 I'm ruined, and my humble trade 
 
 All rascals may at will invade: 
 
 Beneath my nose the public press 
 
 Outdoes me in sulphureousness ; 
 
 The bar ingeniously applies 
 
 To my undoing my own lies; 
 
 My medicines the doctors use 
 
 (Albeit vainly) to refuse 
 
 To me my fair and rightful prey 
 
340 
 
 And keep their own in shape to pay; 
 
 The preachers by example teach 
 
 What, scorning to perform, I preach; 
 
 And statesmen, aping me, all make 
 
 More promises than they can break. 
 
 Against such competition I 
 
 Lift up a disregarded cry. 
 
 Since all ignore my just complaint, 
 
 By Hokey- Pokey! I'll turn saint!" 
 
 Now, the Republicans, who all 
 
 Are saints, began at once to bawl 
 
 Against his competition; so 
 
 There was a devil of a go! 
 
 They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete 
 
 In acrimonious debate. 
 
 Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, 
 
 Had hopes of coining by their own. 
 
 That evil to avert, in haste 
 
 The two belligerents embraced; 
 
 But since 'twere wicked to relax 
 
 A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 
 
 *Twas finally agreed to grant 
 
 The bold Insurgent-protestant 
 
 A bounty on each soul that fell 
 
 Into his ineffectual Hell. 
 
 Edam Smith. 
 
 Technicality, n. In an English court a man 
 named Home was tried for slander in hav- 
 ing accused a neighbor of murder. His 
 exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath 
 taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon 
 
341 
 
 the head, so that one side of the head fell 
 upon one shoulder and the other side upon 
 the other shoulder." The defendant was 
 acquitted by instruction of the court, the 
 learned judges holding that the words did 
 not charge murder, for they did not affirm 
 the death of the cook, that being only an 
 inference. 
 
 Tedium, n. Ennui, the state or condition of 
 one that is bored. Many fanciful deriva- 
 tions of the word have been affirmed, but 
 so high an authority as Father Jape says 
 that it comes from a very obvious source — 
 the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te 
 Deum Laudamus. In this apparently natu- 
 ral derivation there is something that 
 saddens. 
 
 Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong 
 drink, sometimes totally, sometimes toler- 
 ably totally. 
 
 Telephone, n. An invention of the devil 
 which abrogates some of the advantages of 
 making a disagreeable person keep his dis- 
 tance. 
 
342 
 
 Telescope, «. A device having a relation to 
 the eye similar to that of the telephone to 
 the ear, enabling distant objects to plague 
 us with a multitude of needless details. 
 Luckily it is unprovided with a bell sum- 
 moning us to the sacrifice. 
 
 Tenacity, n. A certain quality of the human 
 hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. 
 It attains its highest development in the 
 hand of authority and is considered a serv- 
 iceable equipment for a career in politics. 
 The following illustrative lines were writ- 
 ten of a Californian gentleman in high po- 
 litical preferment, who has passed to his 
 accounting: 
 
 Of such tenacity his grip 
 
 That nothing from his hand can slip. 
 
 Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm 
 
 In tubs of liquid slippery-elm 
 
 In vain — from his detaining pinch 
 
 They cannot struggle half an inch! 
 
 'Tis lucky that he so is planned 
 
 That breath he draws not with his hand, 
 
 For if he did, so great his greed 
 
 He'd draw his last with eager speed. 
 
 Nay, that were well, you say. Not so 
 
 He'd draw but never let it go! 
 
848 
 
 Theosophy, n. An ancient faith having all 
 the certitude of religion and all the mystery 
 of science. The modern Theosophist holds, 
 with the Buddhists, that we live an incal- 
 culable number of times on this earth, in as 
 many several bodies, because one life is not 
 long enough for our complete spiritual 
 development; that is, a single lifetime does 
 not suffice for us to become as wise and 
 good as we choose to wish to become. To 
 be absolutely wise and good — that is per- 
 fection; and the Theosophist is so keen- 
 sighted as to have observed that everything 
 desirous of improvement eventually attains 
 perfection. Less competent observers are 
 disposed to except cats, which seem neither 
 wiser nor better than they were last year. 
 The greatest and fattest of recent Theo- 
 sophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, 
 who had no cat. 
 
 Tights, n. An habiliment of the stage 
 designed to reinforce the general acclama- 
 tion of the press agent with a particular 
 publicity. Public attention was once some- 
 what diverted from this garment to Miss 
 Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and 
 many were the conjectures as to her motive, 
 
844 
 
 the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a 
 high order of ingenuity and sustained reflec- 
 tion. It was Miss Hall's belief that nature 
 had not endowed Miss Russell with beauti- 
 ful legs. This theory was impossible of 
 acceptance by the male understanding, but 
 the conception of a faulty female leg was of 
 so prodigibus originality as to rank among 
 the most brilliant feats of philosophical 
 speculation ! It is strange that in all the con- 
 troversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion 
 to tights no one seems to have thought to 
 ascribe it to what was known among the 
 ancients as "modesty." The nature of that 
 sentiment is now imperfectly understood, 
 and possibly incapable of exposition with 
 the vocabulary that remains to us. The study 
 of lost arts has, however, been recently 
 revived and some of the arts themselves 
 recovered. This is an epoch of renaissances, 
 and there is ground for hope that the primit- 
 ive "blush" may be dragged from its hid- 
 ing-place amongst the tombs of antiquity 
 and hissed on to the stage. 
 
 Tomb, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs 
 are now by common consent invested with 
 a certain sanctity, but when they have been 
 
345 
 
 long tenanted it is considered no sin to break 
 them open and rifle them, the famous 
 Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that 
 a tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon 
 as its occupant is done "smellynge," the soul 
 being then all exhaled. This reasonable 
 view is now generally accepted by archaeo- 
 logists, whereby the noble science of Curios- 
 ity has been greatly dignified. 
 
 Tope, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, 
 lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping 
 is regarded with disesteem, but toping 
 nations are in the forefront of civilization 
 and power. When pitted against the hard- 
 drinking Christians the abstemious Ma- 
 hometans go down like grass before the 
 scythe. In India one hundred thousand 
 beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling 
 Britons hold in subjection two hundred and 
 fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the 
 same Aryan race. With what an easy grace 
 the whisky-loving American pushed the 
 temperate Spaniard out of his possessions'! 
 From the time when the Berserkers ravaged 
 all the coasts of western Europe and lay 
 drunk in every conquered port it has been 
 the same way: everywhere the nations that 
 
346 
 
 drink too much are observed to fight rather 
 well and not too righteously. Wherefore 
 the estimable old ladies who abolished the 
 canteen from the American army may justly 
 boast of having materially augmented the 
 nation's military power. 
 
 Tortoise, n. A creature thoughtfully created 
 to supply occasion for the following lines 
 by the illustrious Ambat Delaso : 
 
 TO MY PET TORTOISE 
 
 My friend, you are not graceful — not at all; 
 Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. 
 
 Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's 
 To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. 
 
 As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 
 Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. 
 
 No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, 
 A certain firmness — mostly you're backbone. 
 
 Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) 
 Are virtues that the great know how to use — 
 
 I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, 
 You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul. 
 
34T 
 
 So, to be candid, unreserved and true, 
 I'd rather you were I than I were you. 
 
 Perhaps, however, in a time to be. 
 
 When Man's extinct, a better world may see 
 
 Your progeny in power and control, 
 Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. 
 
 So I salute you as a reptile grand 
 Predestined to regenerate the land. 
 
 Father of Possibilities, O deign 
 
 To accept the homage of a dying reign! 
 
 In the far region of the unforeknown 
 I dream a tortoise upon every throne. 
 
 I see an Emperor his head withdraw 
 Into his carapace for fear of Law; 
 
 A King who carries something else than fat, 
 Howe'er acceptably he carries that ; 
 
 A President not strenuously bent 
 On punishment of audible dissent — 
 
 Who never shot (it were a vain attack) 
 An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; 
 
 Subjects and citizens that feel no need 
 
 To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; 
 
348 
 
 All progress slow, contemplative, sedate. 
 
 And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. 
 
 Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, 
 My glorious testudinous regime 1 
 
 1 wish in Eden you'd brought this about 
 By slouching in and chasing Adam out. 
 
 Tree, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature 
 to serve as a penal apparatus, though 
 
 . through a miscarriage of justice most trees 
 bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. 
 When naturally fruited, the tree is a .bene- 
 ficent agency of civilization and an import- 
 ant factor in public morals. In the stern 
 West and the sensitive South its fruit (white 
 and black respectively) though not eaten, is 
 agreeable to the public taste and, though not 
 exported, profitable to the general welfare. 
 That the legitimate relation of the tree to 
 justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch 
 (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over 
 the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is 
 made plain by the following passage from 
 Morryster, who antedated him by two cent- 
 uries : 
 
 While in y* londe I was carryed to see y* Ghogo 
 tree, whereof I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge y' 
 
349 
 
 I saw naught remarkabyll in it, y* hed manne of y* 
 villayge where it grewe made answer as foUoweth : 
 
 "Y^ tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne 
 you shall see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as 
 have affroynted y* King his Majesty." 
 
 And I was furder tolde y* y* worde "Ghogo" sygni- 
 fyeth in y"" tong y' same as "rapscal" in our owne. — 
 Trauvelh in y' Easte. 
 
 Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove 
 and put upon record the blameless charac- 
 ters of judges, advocates and jurors. In or- 
 der to effect this purpose it is necessary to 
 supply a contrast in the person of one who is 
 called the defendant, the prisoner, or the 
 accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently 
 clear this person is made to undergo such an 
 affliction as will give the virtuous gentle- 
 men a comfortable sense of their immunity, 
 added to that of their worth. In our day 
 the accused is usually a human being, or a 
 socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, 
 fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to 
 trial. A beast that had taken human life, 
 or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, 
 tried and, if condemned, put to death by the 
 public executioner. Insects ravaging grain 
 fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to 
 appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, 
 
350 
 
 and after testimony, argument and con- 
 demnation, if they continued in contuma- 
 ciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesi- 
 astical court, where they were solemnly ex- 
 communicated and anathematized. In a 
 street of Toledo, some pigs that had wick- 
 edly run between the viceroy's legs, upsett- 
 ing him, were arrested on a warrant, tried 
 and punished. In Naples an ass was con- 
 demned to be burned at the stake, but the 
 sentence appears not to have been executed. 
 D'Addosio relates from the court records 
 many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, 
 dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to 
 the betterment of their conduct and morals. 
 In 145 1 a suit was brought against the 
 leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, 
 and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by 
 the faculty of Heidelberg University, di- 
 rected that some of "the aquatic worms" be 
 brought before the local magistracy. This 
 was done and the leeches, both present and 
 absent, were ordered to leave the places that 
 they had infested within three days on pain 
 of incurring "the malediction of God." In 
 the voluminous records of this cause celebre 
 nothing is found to show whether the of- 
 fenders braved the punishment, or departed 
 
351 
 
 forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdic 
 tion. 
 
 Trichinosis, n. The pig's reply to propon- 
 ents of porcophagy. 
 
 Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent 
 for a Christian physician, who at once diag- 
 nosed the philosopher's disorder as trichino- 
 sis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You 
 need an immediate change of diet," he saidj 
 "you must eat six ounces of pork every other 
 day." 
 
 "Pork?" shrieked the patient — "pork? 
 Nothing shall induce me to touch it!" 
 
 "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely 
 asked. 
 
 "I swear it!" 
 
 "Good! — then I will undertake to cure 
 you." 
 
 Trinity, «. In the multiplex theism of 
 certain Christian churches, three entirely 
 distinct deities consistent with only one. 
 Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, 
 such as devils and angels, are not dowered 
 with the power of combination, and must 
 urge individually their claims to adoration 
 
352 
 
 and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the 
 most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. 
 In rejecting it because it is incomprehens- 
 ible, Unitarians betray their inadequate 
 sense of theological fundamentals. In 
 religion we believe only what we do not 
 understand, except in the instance of an 
 intelligible doctrine that contradicts an 
 incomprehensible one. In that case we 
 believe the former as a part of the latter. 
 
 Troglodyte, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller 
 of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and 
 before the Flat. A famous community of 
 troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave 
 of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every 
 one that was in distress, and every one that 
 was in debt, and every one that was discon- 
 tented" — in brief, all the Socialists of Judah. 
 
 Truce, n. Friendship. 
 
 Truth, n. An ingenious compound of desira- 
 bility and appearance. Discovery of truth 
 is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is 
 the most ancient occupation of the human 
 mind and has a fair prospect of existing 
 with increasing activity to the end of time. 
 
353 
 
 Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate. 
 
 Trust, n. In American politics, a large cor- 
 poration composed in greater part of thrifty 
 working men, widows of small means, 
 orphans in the care of guardians and the 
 courts, with many similar malefactors and 
 public enemies. 
 
 Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when 
 eaten on certain religious anniversaries has 
 the peculiar property of attesting piety and 
 gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good 
 eating. 
 
 Twice, adv. Once too often. 
 
 Type, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of 
 destroying civilization and enlightenment, 
 despite their obvious agency in this incom- 
 parable dictionary. 
 
 TzETz6, (or Tsetse) Fly, n. An African in- 
 sect {Glossina morsitans) whose bite is com- 
 monly regarded as nature's most efficacious 
 remedy for insomnia, though some patients 
 prefer that of the American novelist [Men- 
 dax inferminabilis.) 
 
354 
 
 U 
 
 Ubiquity, «. The gift or power of being in 
 all places at one time, but not in all places 
 at all times, which is omnipresence, an at- 
 tribute of God and the luminiferous ether 
 only. This important distinction between 
 ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to 
 the mediaeval Church and there was much 
 bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who 
 affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's 
 body were known as Ubiquitarians. For 
 this error they were doubtless damned, for 
 Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, 
 though that sacrament may be performed in 
 more than one place simultaneously. In 
 recent times ubiquity has not always been 
 understood — not even by Sir Boyle Roche, 
 for example, who held that a man cannot be 
 in two places at once unless he is a bird. 
 
 Ugliness, «. A gift of the gods to certain 
 women, entailing virtue without humility. 
 
 Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand 
 before resorting to concessions. 
 
355 
 
 Having received an ultimatum from 
 Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to con- 
 sider it. 
 
 "O servant of the Prophet," said the 
 Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the 
 Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how 
 many unconquerable soldiers have we in 
 arms?" 
 
 "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary 
 replied after examining his memoranda, 
 "they are in numbers as the leaves of the 
 forest!" 
 
 "And how many impenetrable battleships 
 strike terror to the hearts of all Christian 
 swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever 
 Victorious Navy. 
 
 "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, 
 "deign to know that they are as the waves 
 of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the 
 stars of Heaven !" 
 
 For eight hours the broad brow of the 
 Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was cor- 
 rugated with evidences of deep thought: he 
 was calculating the chances of war. Then, 
 "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! 
 I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial 
 Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of 
 Allah, the council is adjourned." 
 
356 
 
 Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, 
 heathenish. 
 
 Unction, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite 
 of extreme unction consists in touching with 
 oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of 
 the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury 
 relates that after the rite had been admin- 
 istered to a certain wicked English noble- 
 man it was discovered that the oil had not 
 been properly consecrated and no other 
 could be obtained. When informed of this 
 the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be 
 damned if I die!" 
 
 "My son," said the priest, "that is what 
 we fear." 
 
 Understanding, n. A cerebral secretion that 
 enables one having it to know a house from 
 a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature 
 and laws have been exhaustively expounded 
 by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who 
 lived in a horse. 
 
 His understanding was so keen 
 
 That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, 
 
 He could interpret without fail 
 
 If he was in or out of jail. 
 
 He wrote at Inspiration's call 
 
357 
 
 Deep disquisitions on them all, 
 Then, pent at last in an asylum. 
 Performed the service to compile 'em. 
 So great a writer, all men swore, 
 They never had not read before. 
 
 Jorrock Wormley. 
 
 Unitarian, n. One who denies the divinity 
 of a Trinitarian. 
 
 Universalist, n. One who foregoes the ad- 
 vantage of a Hell for persons of another 
 faith. 
 
 Urbanity, n. The kind of civility that urban 
 observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities 
 but New York. Its commonest expression 
 is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," 
 and it is not inconsistent with disregard of 
 the rights of others. 
 
 The owner of a powder mill 
 Was musing on a distant hill — 
 
 Something his mind foreboded — 
 When from the cloudless sky there fell 
 A deviled human kidney! Well, 
 
 The man's mill had exploded. 
 His hat he lifted from his head; 
 "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; 
 
 "I didn't know 'twas loaded." 
 
 Swatkin. 
 
358 
 
 Usage, n. The First Person of the literary 
 Trinity, the Second and Third being Cus- 
 tom and Conventionality. Imbued with a 
 decent reverence for this Holy Triad an 
 industrious writer may hppe to produce 
 books that will live as long as the fashion. 
 
 UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection 
 that has strayed to one's own wife. 
 
 Valor, «. A soldierly compound of vanity, 
 duty and the gambler's hope. 
 
 "Why have you halted?" roared the com- 
 mander of a division at Chickamauga, who 
 had ordered a charge; "move forward, siir, 
 at once." 
 
 "General," said the commander of the 
 delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that 
 any further display of valor by my troops 
 will bring them into collision with the 
 enemy." 
 
 Vanity, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth 
 of the nearest ass. 
 
 They say that hens do cackle loudest when 
 
359 
 
 There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid ; 
 
 And there are hens, professing to have made 
 A study of mankind, who say that men 
 Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen 
 
 Make the most clamorous fanfaronade 
 
 O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid 
 They're not entirely different from the hen. 
 Lo ! the drum-major in his coat of gold, 
 
 His blazing breeches and high-towering cap — 
 Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, 
 
 Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! 
 Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue 
 Is that in battle he will never hurt you? 
 
 Hannibal Hunsiker. 
 
 Virtues, n. pi. Certain abstentions. 
 
 Vituperation, n. Satire, as understood by 
 dunces and all such as suffer from an 
 impediment in their wit. 
 
 Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a 
 freeman's power to make a fool of himself 
 and a wreck of his country. 
 
 w 
 
 W (double U) has, of all the letters in our 
 alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the 
 
360 
 
 names of the others being monosyllabic. 
 This advantage of the Roman alphabet over 
 the Grecian is the more valued after audibly 
 spelling out some simple Greek word, like 
 exixopta[ji.ptK(ie. Still, it is now thought by 
 the learned that other agencies than the dif- 
 ference of the two alphabets may have been 
 concerned in the decline of "the glory that 
 was Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur 
 that was Rome." There can be no doubt, 
 however, that by simplifying the name of W 
 (calling it "wow," for example) our civiliz- 
 ation could be, if not promoted, at least 
 better endured. 
 
 Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for every 
 devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den 
 of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuc- 
 cessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. 
 Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie 
 has made his profession of faith in the 
 matter. 
 
 Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call 
 To battle : "The brokers are parasites all !" 
 Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail ; 
 Keep the vi'ind of your slogan to belly your sail, 
 Go back to your isle of perpetual brume. 
 Silence your pibroch, dofE tartan and plume: 
 
361 
 
 Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray — 
 Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away ! 
 While still you're possessed of a single baubee 
 (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) 
 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance 
 Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. 
 For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, 
 Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! 
 
 Anonymus Bink. 
 
 War, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. 
 The most menacing political condition is 
 a period of international amity. The 
 student of history who has not been taught 
 to expect the unexpected may justly boast 
 himself inaccessible to the light. "In time 
 of peace prepare for war" has a deeper 
 meaning than is commonly discerned; it 
 means, not merely that all things earthly 
 have an end — that change is the one 
 immutable and eternal law — but that the 
 soil of peace is thickly sown with seeds of 
 war and singularly suited to their germina- 
 tion and growth. It was when Kubla Khan 
 had decreed his "stately pleasure dome" — 
 when, that is to say, there were peace and fat 
 feasting in Xanadu — that he 
 
 heard from far 
 Ancestral voices prophesying war. 
 
362 
 
 One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge 
 was one of the wisest of men, and it was not 
 for nothing that he read us this parable. Let 
 us have a little less of "hands across the sea," 
 and a little more of that elemental distrust 
 that is the security of nations. War loves 
 to come like a thief in the night; professions 
 of eternal amity provide the night. 
 
 Washingtonian, n. A Potomac tribesman 
 who exchanged the privilege of governing 
 himself for the advantage of good govern- 
 ment. In justice to him it should be said 
 that he did not want to. 
 
 They took away his vote and gave instead 
 The right, vi^hen he had earned, to eat his bread. 
 In vain — he clamors for his "boss," poor soul, 
 To come again and part him from his roll. 
 
 Offenbach Stutz. 
 
 Weaknesses, n. pi. Certain primal powers 
 of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds do- 
 minion over the male of her species, binding 
 him to the service of her will and. paralyz- 
 ing his rebellious energies. 
 
 Weather, n. The climate of an hour. A per- 
 manent topic of conversation among persons 
 
863 
 
 whom it does not interest, but who have 
 inherited the tendency to chatter about it 
 from naked arboreal ancestors whom it 
 keenly concerned. The setting up of official 
 weather bureaus and their maintenance in 
 mendacity prove that even governments are 
 accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers 
 of the jungle. 
 
 Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, 
 And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can 
 
 be- 
 Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from 
 
 his birth, 
 With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. 
 While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incand- 
 escent youth. 
 From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages 
 
 of truth. 
 He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he 
 
 wrote 
 On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to 
 
 quote — 
 For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: 
 "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; 
 
 snow." 
 
 Halcyon Jones. 
 
 Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two per- 
 sons undertake to become one, one under- 
 
364 
 
 takes to become nothing, and nothing under- 
 takes to become supportable. 
 
 Werewolf, n. A wolf that was once, or is 
 sometimes, a man. All werewolves are 
 of evil disposition, having assumed a 
 bestial form to gratify a bestial appetite, but 
 some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane 
 as is consistent with an acquired taste for 
 human flesh. 
 
 Some Bavarian peasants having caught a 
 wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail 
 and went to bed. The next morning nothing 
 was there! Greatly perplexed, they con- 
 sulted the local priest, who told them that 
 their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf 
 and had resumed its human form during the 
 night. "The next time that you take a wolf," 
 the good man said, "see that you chain it by 
 the leg, and in the morning you will find a 
 Lutheran." 
 
 Whangdepootenawah, n. In the Ojibwa 
 tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction 
 that strikes hard. 
 
 Should you ask me whence this laughter, 
 Whence this audible big-smiling, 
 With its labial extension, 
 
365 
 
 With its maxillar distortion 
 And its diaphragmic rhythmus 
 Like the billowing of ocean, 
 Like the shaking of a carpet, 
 I should answer, I should tell you: 
 From the great deeps of the spirit, 
 From the unplummeted abysmus 
 Of the soul this laughter welleth 
 As the fountain, the gug-guggle, 
 Like the river from the canon. 
 To entoken and give warning 
 That my present mood is sunny. 
 Should you ask me further question — 
 Why the great deeps of the spirit. 
 Why the unplummeted ahvsmns^ 
 Of the soul extrudes this laughter, 
 This all audible big-smiling, 
 I should answer, I should tell you 
 With a white heart, tumpitumpy, 
 With a true tongue, honest Injun: 
 William Bryan, he has Caught It, 
 Caught the Whangdepootenawah ! 
 
 Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank. 
 Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep. 
 Standing silent in the kneedeep 
 With his wing-tips crossed behind him 
 And his neck close-reefed before him. 
 With his bill, his william, buried 
 In the down upon his bosom. 
 With his head retracted inly, 
 While his shoulders overlook it? 
 Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, 
 
366 
 
 Shiver grayly in the north wind,' 
 Wishing he had died when little, 
 As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? 
 No 'tis not the Shankank standing, 
 Standing in the gray and dismal 
 Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. 
 No, 'tis peerless William Bryan 
 Realizing that he's Caught It, 
 Caught the Whangdepootenawah ! 
 
 Wheat, n. A cereal from which a tolerably 
 good whisky can with some difficulty be 
 made, and which is used also for bread. The 
 French are said to eat more bread per capita 
 of population than any other people, which 
 is natural, for only they know how to make 
 the stuff palatable. 
 
 White, adj. and n. Black. 
 
 Widow, n. A pathetic figure that the Christ- 
 ian world has agreed to take humorously, 
 although Christ's tenderness towards wid- 
 ows was one of the most marked features of 
 his character. 
 
 Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to 
 the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," 
 sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is 
 God's next best gift to man. 
 
367 
 
 Wit, n. The salt with which the American 
 humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by 
 leaving it out. 
 
 Witch, n. (i) An ugly and repulsive old 
 woman, in a wicked league with the devil. 
 (2) A beautiful and attractive young 
 woman, in wickedness a league beyond the 
 devil. 
 
 Witticism, n. A sharp and clever remark, 
 usually quoted, and seldom noted ; what the 
 Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." 
 
 Woman, «. An animal usually living in the 
 vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary 
 susceptibility to domestication. It is 
 credited by many of the elder zoologists 
 with a certain vestigial docility acquired in 
 a former state of seclusion, but naturalists 
 of the postsusananthony period, having no 
 knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue 
 and declare that such as creation's dawn 
 beheld, it roareth now. The species is the 
 most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, 
 infesting all habitable parts of the globe, 
 from Greenland's spicy mountains to India's 
 moral strand. The popular name (wolf- 
 
368 
 
 man) is incorrect, for the creature is of the 
 cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful 
 in its movements, especially the American 
 variety {Felts pugnans) , is omnivorous and 
 can be taught not to talk. — Balthasar Pober. 
 
 WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of 
 which we are the raw material. The con- 
 tents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau 
 Napoleon and the Grantarium. Worms'- 
 meat is usually outlasted by the structure 
 that houses it, but "this too must pass away." 
 Probably the silliest work in which a human 
 being can engage is construction of a tomb 
 for himself. The solemn purpose cannot 
 dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the 
 foreknown futility. 
 
 Ambitious fool ! so mad to be a show ! 
 How profitless the labor you bestow 
 
 Upon a dwelling whose magnificence 
 The tenant neither can admire nor know. 
 
 Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, 
 The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan 
 
 By shouldering asunder' all the stones 
 In what to you would be a moment's span. 
 
 Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies 
 That when your marble all is dust, arise, 
 
369 
 
 If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn — 
 You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. 
 
 What though of all man's works your tomb alone 
 Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? 
 
 Would it advantage you to dwell therein 
 Forever as a stain upon a stone? 
 
 Joel Huck. 
 
 Worship, n. Homo Creator's testimony to 
 the sound construction and fine finish of 
 Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjec- 
 tion, having an element of pride. 
 
 Wrath, n. Anger of a superior quality and 
 degree, appropriate to exalted characters 
 and momentous occasions ; as, "the wrath of 
 God," "the day of wrath," etc. Amongst 
 the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed 
 sacred, for it could usually command the 
 agency of some god for its fit manifestation, 
 as could also that of a priest. The Greeks 
 before Troy were so harried by Apollo that 
 they jumped out of the frying-pan of the 
 wrath of Chryses into the fire of the wrath 
 of Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole 
 offender, was neither fried nor roasted. A 
 similar noted immunity was that of David 
 when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by 
 
370 
 
 numbering his people, seventy thousand of 
 whom paid the penalty with their lives. God 
 is now Love, and a director of the census 
 performs his work without apprehension of 
 disaster. 
 
 X 
 
 X in our alphabet being a needless letter has 
 an added invincibility to the attacks of the 
 spelling reformers, and like them, will 
 doubtless last as long as the language. X is 
 the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such 
 words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, 
 not, as is popularly supposed, because it 
 represents a cross, but because the corre- 
 sponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the 
 initial of his name — Xpiax6<;. If it repre- 
 sented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, 
 who "testified" upon one of that shape. In 
 the algebra of psychology x stands for 
 Woman's mind. Words beginning with X 
 are Grecian and will not be defined in this 
 standard English dictionary. 
 
 Y 
 
 Yankee, n. In Europe, an American. In the 
 
371 
 
 Northern States of our Union, a New Eng- 
 lander. In the Southern States the word is 
 unknown. (See Damyank.) 
 
 Year, n. A period of three hundred and 
 sixty-five disappointments. 
 
 Yesterday, n. The infancy of youth, the 
 youth of manhood, the entire past of age. 
 
 But yesterday I should have thought me blest 
 To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak 
 Of middle life and look adown the bleak 
 
 And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, 
 
 Where solemn shadows all the land invest 
 And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak 
 Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak 
 
 The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. 
 
 Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame 
 To stay the shadow on the dial's face 
 
 At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name 
 I chide aloud the little interspace 
 
 Disparting me from Certitude, and fain 
 
 Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. 
 
 Baruch Arnegriff. 
 
 It is said that in his last illness the poet 
 Arnegriff was attended at different times by 
 seven doctors. 
 
372 
 
 Yoke, n. An implement, madam, to whose 
 Latin name, jugum, we owe one of the most 
 illuminating words in our language — a word 
 that defines the matrimonial situation with 
 precision, point and poignancy. A thousand 
 apologies for withholding it. 
 
 Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when 
 Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has 
 a following and seven cities compete for the 
 honor of endowing a living Homer. 
 
 Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the 
 Golden Age on earth again, when figs are 
 grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with 
 whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live 
 ever in clover, and cows fly over, delivering 
 milk at every door, and Justice never is 
 heard to snore, and every assassin is made a 
 ghost and, howling, is cast into Baltimost! 
 
 Polydore Smith. 
 
 Zany, «. A popular character in old Italian 
 plays, who imitated with ludicrous incom- 
 petence the buffone, or clown, and was 
 therefore the ape of an ape; for the clowo 
 
373 
 
 himself imitated the serious characters of 
 the play. The zany was progenitor to the 
 specialist in humor, as we to-day have the 
 unhappiness to know him. In the zany we 
 see an example of creation ; in the humorist, 
 of transmission. Another excellent specimen 
 of the modern zany is the curate, who apes 
 the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes 
 the archbishop, who apes the devil. 
 
 Zanzibari, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate 
 of Zanizbar, off the eastern coast of Africa. 
 The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best 
 known in this country through a threaten- 
 ing diplomatic incident that occurred a few 
 years ago. The American consul at the 
 capital occupied a dwelling that faced the 
 sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly 
 to the scandal of this official's family, and 
 against repeated remonstrances of the of- 
 ficial himself, the people of the city per- 
 sisted in using the beach for bathing. One 
 day a woman came down to the edge of the 
 water and was stooping to remove her attire 
 (a pair of sandals) when the consul, in- 
 censed beyond restraint, fired a charge of 
 bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of 
 her person. Unfortunately for the exist- 
 
374 
 
 ing entente cordtale between two great 
 nations, she was the Sultana. 
 
 Zeal, «. A certain nervous disorder afflicting 
 the young and inexperienced. A passion 
 that goeth before a sprawl. 
 
 When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward 
 He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" 
 "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. 
 "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." 
 
 Jum Coople. 
 
 Zenith, n. A point in the heavens directly 
 overhead to a standing man or a growing 
 cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the 
 pot is not considered as having a zenith, 
 though from this view of the matter there 
 was once a considerable dissent among the 
 learned, some holding that the posture of 
 the body was immaterial. These were 
 called Horizontalists, their opponents, Ver- 
 ticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was 
 finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philo- 
 sopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. 
 Entering an assembly of philosophers who 
 were debating the matter, he cast a severed 
 human head at the feet of his opponents and 
 
375 
 
 asked them to determine its zenith, explain- 
 ing that its body was hanging by the heels 
 outside. Observing that it was the head of 
 their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to 
 profess themselves converted to whatever 
 opinion the Crown might be pleased to 
 hold, and Horizontalism took its place 
 among fides de fundi. 
 
 Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored 
 by the Romans as Jupiter and by the mod- 
 ern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and 
 Dog. Some explorers who have touched 
 upon the shores of America, and one who 
 professes to have penetrated a considerable 
 distance into the interior, have thought that 
 these four names stand for as many distinct 
 deities, but in his monumental work on Sur- 
 viving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the 
 natives are monotheists, each having no 
 other god than himself, whom he worships 
 under many sacred names. 
 
 Zigzag, v. t. To move forward uncertainly, 
 from side to side, as one carrying the white 
 man's burden. (From zed, z, and jag, an 
 Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) 
 
376 
 
 He zedjagged so uncomen wyde 
 Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; 
 So, to com saufly thruh, I been 
 Constreynet for to doodge betwene. 
 
 Munwele. 
 
 Zoology, n. The science and history of the 
 animal kingdom, including its king, the 
 House Fly {Musca maledicta.) The father 
 of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally 
 conceded, but the name of its mother has not 
 come down to us. Two of the science's most 
 illustrious expounders were Buflfon and 
 Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we 
 learn {L'Histoire generale des animaux and 
 A History of Animated Nature) that the 
 domestic cow sheds its horns every two years.