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 H ?llMi«iiiiiES, t ™, , « wl,h Burle sque annotati 
 
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Hamlet* Crawritit, 
 
 Burlesque Annotations. 
 
 By JOHN POOLE, Esq., 
 
 AUTHOR OF " PAUL PRY," *C. *C. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 Reprinted for Private Distribution. 
 
 1866. 
 
 Hi 
 
 (■( 
 
ONE HUNDRED COPIES ROYAL OCTAVO FOR PRIVATE 
 DISTRIBUTION ONLY. 
 
 JTo.0? 
 
 Presented to 
 
 Bradstreet Press. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 BURLESQUE ANNOTATIONS. 
 
Galabin and Marchant, Printers, 
 Ingram -Court, London. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE: 
 
 IN THEEE ACTS. 
 
 WITH 
 
 HSutlespe Etmotattons, 
 
 AFTER THE MANNER OF 
 
 Dr. JOHNSON and GEO. STBEVENS, Esq. 
 
 AND THE 
 
 VARIOUS COMMENTATORS. 
 By JOHN POOLE, Esq. 
 
 Quantum mutatus ab illo. Virgil. 
 
 Commentators each dark passage shun, 
 
 And hold their farthing candle to the sun. Young. 
 
 THIRD EDITION. 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR J. M. RICHARDSON, NO. 23, CORNH1LL, 
 OPPOSITE THE ROYAL EXCHANGE. 
 
 1811. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 Conscious that any attempt to treat with 
 levity the works of our Immortal Poet is 
 in some danger of being received with displea- 
 sure, the following production is submitted to 
 the public with that diffidence which the delicacy 
 of its subject must, naturally, excite. In order, 
 however, to remove such objections as may arise, 
 solely out of partiality or of prejudice, a few 
 observations may not be, altogether, unneces- 
 sary. 
 
 The objection most commonly urged against 
 burlesques and parodies in general, is, that they 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 tend to bring into ridicule and contempt 
 those authors against whose works they 
 are directed. That this objection will hold, 
 when applied to works of inferior merit, or 
 to such as are deficient in sense or genius, is 
 freely admitted ; but, when used with refer- 
 ence to such writings as, from their intrinsic 
 merit, have long been established in the 
 public estimation, its futility is evident. 
 Homer and Virgil have both been the 
 subjects of strong burlesques, but they are 
 still read with unabated admiration ; the bay 
 that adorns them still flourishes, and its ver- 
 dure remains undiminished : and it would be 
 an insult to the high character of our Poet, 
 were it supposed that the wreath is so loosely 
 twined around his brows as to be endangered 
 by so mere a trifle as that which gives rise 
 to these remarks. Whilst the beauties of 
 poetry shall continue to delight, the works of 
 
tfREFACE. Vll 
 
 Shakspeare will be read with enthusiasm; 
 and any serious attempt to tarnish his fame, 
 or to degrade him from his exalted station, 
 must ever be considered as weak and as ridi- 
 culous in the design, as it would certainly be 
 found unavailing and impossible in the exe- 
 cution. 
 
 But whatever apology or extenuation may 
 be deemed necessary for the liberty that is 
 taken with the poet, it is presumed that nei- 
 ther will be required for the freedom that 
 is used in the treatment of his annotators : 
 for no real admirer of Shakspeare but 
 must feel indignant at finding his sense per- 
 verted, and his meaning obscured,* by the 
 false lights, and the fanciful and arbitrary 
 
 * The poets of the present day have wisely provided against 
 injuries of this nature ; for, with the assistance of an abundance 
 of notes, they have so clearly explained their own meanings 
 
Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 illustrations, of §kck-Mtn Criiirs and Cotug-tHithkg 
 Commentators. And it had been well if some able 
 satirist had exposed and punished their folly, 
 their affectation, and their arrogance, at the 
 time when the rage for editing, and commenting 
 on Shakspeare was at its height, and every 
 pedant in §fotk-ktht late assumed the prerogative 
 of an authorised pollutor of his text.* 
 
 From the force of its sentiments, the beauty 
 of its imagery, and, above all, the solemnity 
 
 (which, it must be confessed, would, otherwise, be fre- 
 quently unintelligible) as to supersede the labours of future 
 critics. 
 
 * From this general reproach must the great Dr. Johnson 
 be excepted, who, even as a Shaksperian Commentator, is 
 entitled to our respect ; and of whom it may truly be said, 
 that he never wrote without the intention, and scarcely ever 
 without the effect, of rendering mankind more wise or more 
 virtuous. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 of its conduct, there is, perhaps, no tragedy 
 in the English language better adapted to the 
 purposes of travesty* than "Hamlet;" and 
 from its being so frequently before the public, 
 so very generally read, and so continually 
 quoted, it is, more than any other, calculated 
 to give a travesty its full effect, and which 
 can only be produced by a facility of contrast 
 
 * It may not be amiss to remark that, although oftentimes 
 used indifferently, the terms burlesque and travesty are prop- 
 erly distinct : burlesque is more general in its application ; 
 travesty more particular: the former is levelled against 
 blemishes and defects, which its object is to expose and rid- 
 icule, and pleases by comparison ; the latter is constructed 
 upon the various excellencies of any particular work, and 
 derives its effect solely from the force of contrast. Hence 
 a travesty, instead of derogating from the value or the repu- 
 tation of its subject, may be considered as no inadequate test 
 of its merit. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 with its subject work. For it is obvious, that 
 in a work of this nature (the object of which 
 is to convey the precise sentiments and ideas 
 contained in its original, but in language, and 
 in a manner, unsuited to their subject and the 
 character of the speaker), many parts must 
 appear ridiculous, and even contemptible, when 
 considered independently of the passage or 
 passages to which they allude. For a reader, 
 therefore, to derive entertainment from the per- 
 usal of a travesty, but more particularly to be 
 enabled to decide whether it be ill or well exe- 
 cuted, a familiar acquaintance with its original 
 is indispensable. 
 
 This travesty having been originally under- 
 taken with an idea to its representation on the 
 stage, it will be perceived that stage-effect is 
 sometimes considered : as in the opening of the 
 piece amidst the magnificence of the palace, in 
 
• PREFACE. XI 
 
 preference to the stillness of the platform ; and 
 in the substitution of a pugilistic trial of skill, 
 in the last scene, for the more elegant exercise 
 of the rapier. 
 
 With respect to the annotations ; particular 
 allusions are sometimes made, but, in general, 
 nothing more is intended than an imitation of 
 the general style, manner, and character, of the 
 commentators ; and an attempt to produce the 
 ludicrous by the application of the pride and 
 affectation of critical sagacity, and the violence 
 of controversial asperity, to subjects light, tri- 
 fling, and insignificant. 
 
 With no other view, in the publication of this 
 trifle, than to afford an hour's amusement, the 
 author solicits for it an exemption from severe and 
 minute criticism ; and, trusting to an indulgent 
 and liberal reception of his work, he respectfully 
 submits. it to the public. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 THE former Edition of this Work having been 
 very generally approved, I have endeavoured, by 
 a careful revision, to render the present Edition no 
 less deserving of the public approbation. In the 
 subject, / have made such alterations as I conceived 
 
 would tend to the general improvement of the piece ; 
 and the numerous additions which I have made to the 
 Annotations, will not, I hope, deprive this portion 
 of the work of the favour with which it has hitherto 
 been honoured. 
 
XIV ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 The Annotations having been very currently 
 attributed to one of our most esteemed dramatists, 
 I feel it incumbent upon me, in justice to the 
 gentleman alluded to, to declare, that I am alone 
 responsible for all their defects 
 
 7-P- 
 
 London, 
 January %tb, 1 8 1 1 . 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIB. 
 
 THREE ACTS. 
 
 Quantum mutatus ab illo. Yirgil. 
 
Bramattsi ^etsonae. 
 
 CLAUDIUS, King of Denmark. 
 
 HAMLET, Son to the former, and Nephew to the present 
 
 King. 
 POLONIUS, Lord Chamberlain. 
 HORATIO, Friend to Hamlet. 
 LAERTES, Son to Polonius. 
 ROSENCRANTZ, 
 GUILDENSTERN, > Courtiers. 
 OSRICK. 
 MARCELLUS, 
 
 JS,\ 
 
 BERNARDO, <° fficers - 
 
 A Friar. 
 
 A Gravedigger. 
 
 Ghost of Hamlet's Father. 
 
 GERTRUDE, Queen of Denmark, and Mother to Hamlet. 
 OPHELIA, Daughter to Polonius. 
 
 Ladies, Gentlemen, Players, and Attendants. 
 SCENE— Elsinore. 
 
(tfasst of f^amlet SEtabestie, 
 
 As performed at Coven t Garden, London, June 17, 181 3. 
 
 Hamlet . . . Mr. Mathews. 
 King .... " Blanch ard. 
 Laertes ... " Simmons. 
 Horatio . . " Hammerton. 
 
 Ghost .... Mr. Taylor. 
 Ophelia ... " Liston ! 
 Queen .... Mrs. Liston. 
 
 Otast of Camlet &rabegtie, 
 
 As performed at Mitchell's Olympic Theatre, New York, on 
 February 13, 1840. 
 
 Hamlet . . 
 
 Mr. Mitchell.* 
 
 King . . . 
 
 " D. Anderson.* 
 
 Polonius . 
 
 " S. D. Johnson.* 
 
 Laertes . . 
 
 " H. Russell.* 
 
 Horatio . . 
 
 " W. Edwin.* 
 
 Osrick . . 
 
 Miss Singleton.* 
 
 Rosencrantz 
 
 Mr. Baker. 
 
 Guildenstern 
 
 " Roberts. 
 
 Marcellus . . Mr. Walker. 
 
 Bernardo . . " Williams. 
 Friar .... " G. Clark. 
 1st Gravedigger " Jackson. 
 Ghost ... " Evarard.* 
 
 Ophelia . . . Mrs. W. Penson.* 
 Queen . . " Plumer.* 
 
Hamlet Travestie. 
 
 ACT THE FIRST. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 A Room of State in the Palace. 
 
 King, Queen, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, 
 Gentlemen, and Ladies, discovered. 
 
 Flourish of Trumpets and Drums. 
 
 King. 
 
 Tho' by our dismal phizzes plain 'tis seen 
 The mem'ry of our brother's death is green ; 
 Yet, as he's laid in peace upon the shelf, 
 'Tis time we think upon our royal self: 
 We, therefore, to dispel our royal spleen, 
 Have ta'en his widow Gertrude for our Queen. — 
 How now, Laertes, what's the news with you ? 
 You told us of some suit. — 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 My Lord, that's true : 
 I have a mighty wish to learn to dance, 
 And crave your royal leave to go to France. 
 
 i 
 
2 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 King. 
 Your suit is granted. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Sire, I'm much your debtor. 
 
 King. 
 Then brush ! the sooner you are off the better. 
 
 Exit Laertes. 
 ( To Hamlet) Cheer up, my son and cousin, never mind — 
 
 Hamlet. 
 A little more than kin, and less than kind. 
 
 King. 
 Why hang the clouds still on you ? Come, have done. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 You're out, my Lord : I'm too much in the sun. — 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Come, Hamlet, leave off crying ; 'tis in vain, 
 Since crying will not bring him back again. 
 Besides, 'tis common : all that live must die — 
 So blow you nose, my dear, and do not cry. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Aye, Madam, it is common. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 If it be, 
 Why seems there such a mighty fuss with thee ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Talk not to me of seems — when husbands die, 
 
 'Twere well if some folks seem'd the same as I. 
 
 But I have that within you can't take from me — 
 
 As for black clothes, — that's all my eye and Tommy (a). 
 
HAMUtT TRAVESTIE. 3 
 
 King. 
 
 Cheer up, my hearty: tho' you've lost your dad, 
 
 Consider that your case is not so bad : 
 
 Your father lost a father ; and 'tis certain 
 
 Death o'er your great-grandfather drew a curtain. 
 
 You've mourn'd enough : 'tis time your grief to smother ; 
 
 Don't cry ; you shall be king some time or other. 
 
 Queen. 
 Go not to Wittenberg, my love, I pray you. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Mamma, I shall in all my best obey you. 
 
 King. 
 
 Well said, my lad ! Cheer up ! (b) no more foul weather : — 
 We'll meet anon, and all get drunk together. 
 
 [Flourish of trumpets and drums — 
 Exeunt all but Hamlet. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Derry Down") 
 
 A ducat I'd give if a sure way I knew 
 How to thaw and resolve my stout flesh into dew ! 
 How happy were I if no sin were self-slaughter, 
 For I'd then throw myself and my cares in the water ! 
 
 Derry down, down, doion, derry down. 
 
 How weary, how profitless, stale and how flat, 
 Seem to me all life's uses, its joys, — and all that : 
 This world is a garden unweeded ; and clearly 
 Not worth living for — things rank and gross hold it merely. 
 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Two months have scarce pass'd since dad's death, and my 
 
 mother, 
 Like a brute as she is, has just married his brother. — 
 To wed such a bore ! — but 'tis all too late now : 
 We can't make a silk purse of the ear of a sow. 
 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 So fondly he lov'd her, I've oft heard him tell her, 
 " If it rains, my dear Gertrude, pray take my umbrella :" 
 When too roughly the winds have beset her, he'th said, 
 " My dear, take my belcher (c) to tie round your head." 
 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 Why, zounds ! she'd hang on him, as much as to say, 
 " The longer I love you, the longer I may :'' — 
 Yet before one could whistle, as I am a true man, 
 He's forgotten ! — Oh, frailty, thy name sure is woman ! 
 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 To marry my uncle ! my father's own brother ! — 
 I'm as much like a lion as one's like the other. 
 It will not, by jingo, it can't come to good — 
 But break, my poor heart : — I'd say more if I could. 
 
 Derry down, fife. 
 
 Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 My lads, I'm glad to see you. I implore 
 You'll tell me what brought you to Elsinore. 
 
 [To Horatio. 
 
HAML«T travestie. 
 
 Horatio. 
 To see dad's funeral I popp'd my head in. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 No quizzing (d) — 'twas to see my mother's wedding. 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Indeed, my lord, one follow'd hard on t'other. — 
 I never should have thought it of your mother. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Thrift, thrift, Horatio ! Denmark's cooks were able 
 With funeral meats to cheer (e) the marriage-table. — 
 Methinks I have my father in my sight. 
 
 Horatio. 
 My lord, I'll swear I saw him yesternight. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Saw! Who? 
 
 Horatio. 
 The king, your father. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Much I doubt it. 
 
 'Tis true, my lord. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 Horatio. 
 I'll tell you all about it. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 SONG.— Horatio. 
 (Tune — " Heigho ! says Roviley.") 
 
 Two nights to watch these gentlemen went, 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio ; 
 When, just at the time when the night was spent, 
 A spectre to frighten them thither was sent ; 
 
 With his tomb-stone, jaw-bone, skull, shroud and skeleton, 
 
 " Too strange to be true," says Horatio. 
 
 The ghost like your rather look'd, arm'd cap-a-pie. 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio; 
 They came in a twitter to tell this to me, 
 Saying, " If you don't credit us, pray come and see. 
 
 With his tomb-stone, &c. 
 
 " A cock and a bull," says Horatio. 
 
 I promis'd with them to keep watch the next night : 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio ; 
 When lo ! as they'd told me, the ghost came in sight — 
 Says I, " 'Tis too plain that there's something not right. 
 
 With his tomb-stone, &c. 
 
 " But we'll soon find it out," says Horatio. 
 
 I intended to say a few words to the ghost ; 
 
 "Heigho!" says Horatio; 
 (I shouldn't have kept him five minutes at most) 
 But I found the poor fellow as dumb as a post. 
 
 With his tomb-stone, &c. 
 
 " He's no blabber, I find," says Horatio. 
 
HAMLE* TRAVESTIE. 7 
 
 He turn'd on his heel, and went oft' in a pet, 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio 3 
 But he frown'd on us all ere away we could get, 
 Just as much as to say, " I've not done with you yet," 
 
 With his tomb-stone, &c. 
 
 " We had better make off," says Horatio. 
 
 He soon came in again, so I told him my mind : 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio ; 
 Says I, " I'm quite sure you've left something behind, 
 " Some treasure, perhaps, your exec'tors can't find : 
 
 With his tombstone, &c. 
 
 " You'd best shew where 'tis hid," says Horatio. 
 
 He seem'd not to like it, and look'd rather black, 
 
 " Heigho !" says Horatio ; 
 As much as to say, " You had best hold your clack ;" 
 But he heard the cock crow and was off in a crack. 
 
 With his tomb-stone, &c. 
 
 "You're a rum kind of ghost," says Horatio. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Perchance 'twill walk again ; — I'll watch to-night, 
 And beg a conversation with the sprite : 
 If in my father's form it come to scare me, 
 I'll speak to it, should e'en Old Harry dare me. 
 {To Hor. and Mar.) Don't let the cat out of the bag, I 
 prythee. 
 
 Horatio. 
 Never fear me. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 Nor me. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Then I'll be with ye 
 
8 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Soon after supper. 
 
 Horatio. 
 Honour ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Poz. — Adieu ! 
 Exeunt Hor Mar. and Ber. 
 
 No doubt some dirty work, if this be true. 
 
 Would it were supper-time, this tale so wheedles, 
 
 Till then I'm sitting upon pins and needles (/"). [Exit. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 An Apartment in Polonius's House. 
 
 Enter Ophelia and Laertes. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 I've pack'd off bag and baggage. Never fail 
 
 To let me have a letter ev'ry mail — 
 
 If Dad will get it frank'd (g) so much the better. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 Do'st think I'd grudge the postage of a letter ? 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Be not too easily by Hamlet caught, 
 For all his swearing is not worth a groat. 
 He may not, like we folks of meaner station, 
 Take up with any trollop in the nation ; 
 So look before you leap ; depend upon it, 
 'Tis moonshine all, in valentine or sonnet : 
 
HAMLlPr TRAVESTIE. 
 
 He'll flirt with any wench in town, then leave her ; 
 For know, that Hamlet is a gay deceiver. 
 She sports her figure quite enough (take note) 
 Who wears a flannel under-petticoat {b). 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 I take the hint : but do not, good my brother, 
 
 Shew me one road, and go yourself another : 
 
 Like our good priest, who, whilst our sports retrenching, 
 
 Himself goes nightly round the village wenching. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 O, fear me not ; I hope you do not doubt me. — 
 
 But I must run for't, or they'll sail without me. {Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 The Platform. 
 
 Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Jack Frost is gadding (*) — it is very cold. 
 
 Horatio. 
 Why, any fool, methinks, might that have told. {Jside.) 
 
 Hamlet. 
 What is't o'clock ? 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Half past eleven at most. — 
 
 Marcellus. 
 My watch says twelve (k). 
 
 Horatio. 
 But see ! here comes the ghost ! 
 
10 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Enter Ghost. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Zounds ! here's a pretty rig ! (/) O Lord, defend us ! 
 
 Prythee no more such frightful spectres send us ! 
 
 Be thou a jovial sprite or goblin damn'd ; 
 
 Be thou or ether-puff'd or sulphur-cramm'd ; 
 
 Be thy intents indiff'rent, good, or bad, 
 
 I'll speak to thee, thou look'st so like my dad. 
 
 In a trim grave so snugly wast thou lain, 
 
 Say what the devil brought thee out again ? 
 
 I like a joke myself; but 'tis not right 
 
 To come and frighten us to death at night. 
 
 Say, why is this ? and straight the reason tell us, 
 
 For fright'ning me, Horatio, and Marcellus. — 
 
 Horatio. 
 He'd have a tete-a-tete with you — alone. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Would he ? — Here goes then — now, my cock, lead on ! 
 
 Marcellus. 
 You shall not go. 
 
 Horatio. 
 Perhaps he means to kill you. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 You'd better hold your jaw (m), — be quiet, will you ? 
 
 Horatio. 
 Now blow me if you go. 
 
 Hamlet, 
 My fate cries out 
 And gives me pluck — so mind what you're about. 
 
hamle*t TRAVESTIE. II 
 
 Still am I call'd — paws off (») — the time we're wasting — 
 Come, brush ; or else I'll give you both a basting. 
 
 \Breaking from tbem. 
 Hop off, I say ! (To Ghost) Lead on ; I'll quickly 
 
 follow. 
 (To Hor. and Mar.) Wait here ; and if I want ye, lads, 
 
 I'll hollo. 
 
 [Exeunt Ghost and Ham. 
 Hor. and Mar. 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 A remote Part of the Platform. 
 
 Enter Ghost and Hamlet. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Hollo, you Sir ! Where is't you mean to go ? 
 I'll go no further. 
 
 Ghost. 
 You had better. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 No! 
 Ghost. 
 
 Then hold your gab (»), and hear what I've to tell ; 
 I'm press'd for time — we keep good hours in h — 11. 
 Soon must I go and have another roast ; 
 So pray attend to me. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Alas, poor Ghost ! 
 
12 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 SONG.— Ghost. 
 
 (Tune — "Giles Scroggiits' Giost.") 
 
 Behold in me your father's sprite, 
 
 Si to! tiddy tol de ray, 
 Doom'd for a term to walk the night, 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 You'll scarce believe me when I say, 
 That I'm bound to fast in fires all day, 
 Till my crimes are burnt and purg'd away. 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 But that I am forbid to blow, (/>) 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 The dreadful secrets which I know, 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 I could such a dismal tale unfold, 
 As would make your precious blood run cold ! 
 But, ah ! those things must not be told. 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 Your father suddenly you miss'd, 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 I'll tell you how : — List ! list ! O list ! 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 'Twas given out to all the town, 
 That a serpent pull'd your father down — 
 But now that serpent wears his crown. 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 Your uncle is the man I mean, 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 That diddled {q ) me out of my crown and my queen.- 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. I3 
 
 what a falling off was there ! 
 
 But brief let me be, I must back repair. 
 For methinks I scent the morning air. 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 One afternoon, as was my use, 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. ' 
 
 1 went to my orchard to take a snooze ; 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 When your uncle into my ear did pour 
 A bottle of cursed hellebore ! — 
 How little did I think I should wake no more ! 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 Doom'd by a brother's hand was I, 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 To lose my crown, my wife, — to die. 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 I should like to have settled my worldly affairs, 
 But the rascal came on so unawares, 
 That I hadn't even time to say my pray'rs. 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 Torment your uncle for my sake 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 Let him never be at peace, asleep or awake. 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 Your mother's plague let her conscience be — 
 But I must be off for the day-light I see. — 
 Adieu, adieu, adieu ! Remember me ! 
 
 Ri tol tiddy, fife. 
 
 [The Ghost vanishes. 
 
14 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Remember thee ! — I feel in such a flurry, 
 Egad, I shan't forget thee in a hurry. 
 Remember thee ! Yea, from my souvenir, 
 All memoranda swift shall disappear ; 
 There thy commandment all alone I'll write ; 
 And if I e'er forget thee — blow me tight. 
 
 Horatio (without). 
 My Lord ! 
 
 Marcellus. 
 Lord Hamlet ! 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Damn those stupid fellows. 
 Horatio, here am I. — Hollo, Marcellus. 
 
 Enter Horatio and Marcellus. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 How is't, my Lord ? — What news ? — What said the Ghost ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 You'll blab. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 Not I. 
 
 Horatio. 
 I'm silent as a post. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 He said each Danish villian is a knave ! 
 
 Horatio. 
 That all ? — He might have staid then in his grave. 
 
Not I. 
 
 Nor I. 
 
 Swear ! 
 
 HAMLWT TRAVESTIE. 15 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 That's as he pleases. — So good night — but ho ! 
 
 I have a word to say before you go. 
 
 Never make known what you have seen to night. 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Ghost {beneath). 
 
 Make 'em swear. That's right ! 
 [They swear. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 But that's not all : Now swear that if, perchance, 
 Like Merry Andrew, (r) I think fit to dance 
 And skip about the house, you'll never dare 
 To tell, or even hint, the reason — 
 
 Ghost (beneath). 
 
 Swear ! 
 
 [They swear again. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Lie still, old Grey-bones. — 'Tis such chilling weather, 
 Suppose we go and get some drink together ? 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 With all my heart — Egad, I like your plan — 
 Marcellus, what say you, lad ? 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 I'm your man. 
 
l6 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 The world's gone mad — Curs'd fate, that ever I 
 Was born to have a finger in the pie ! 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 An Apartment in Polonios's House. 
 
 Enter Polonius, meeting Ophelia. 
 
 Polonius. 
 You look stark mad, Ophelia ! — What's the row ? (j) 
 
 Ophelia. 
 I've had a precious fright. 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 Pray tell me how. 
 
 SONG.— Ophelia. 
 
 (Tune — " Mrs. Clarke") 
 
 My Lord, you must know, 
 
 A few minutes ago, 
 In my room I was darning a stocking : 
 
 Now conceive my alarm, 
 
 When (not dreaming of harm) 
 I was roused by a violent knocking. 
 
HAwflRET TRAVESTIE. 1 7 
 
 I thought 'twas Old Scratch, 
 
 So I fasten'd the latch, 
 And went on with my work as before ; 
 
 But whilst my needle I was threading, 
 
 Lord Hamlet popp'd his head in — 
 For, d'ye mind, he kick'd open the door. 
 
 His doublet unbrac'd, 
 
 Was slung round his waist, 
 And his stockings were dirty and loose ; 
 
 He was pale as a sheet, 
 
 And could scarce keep his feet : — 
 Thus he came in, and star'd like a goose ! 
 
 He took hold of my wrist, 
 
 And gave it a twist 
 That made me to quiver and quake : 
 
 He then began to quiz, 
 
 As tho' he meant to draw my phiz ; 
 And then gave me a terrible shake. 
 
 Next so sadly he sigh'd, 
 
 Lord ! I thought he'd have died ! 
 
 Then he thrice up and down shook his noddle. 
 After treating me so, 
 He thought fit to let me go j 
 
 And then tow'rds the stairs did he waddle. 
 
 'Twas a chance he didn't fall 
 
 Over bannisters and all, 
 For I vow not a step could he see ; 
 
 To my utter surprize, 
 
 He found his way without his eyes, — 
 To the last they were bent upon me. 
 3 
 
1 8 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 Come, go with me, — I will go seek the king : 
 Hamlet's behaviour is not quite the thing. 
 Have you of late been snappish to him, pray ? 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 Oh, no — I never did a cross word say : 
 I merely sent his letters back by scores, 
 And when he call'd, I turn'd him out o'doors. 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 Aye ! that hath made him mad — I do not doubt it. 
 We'll to the king, and tell him all about it. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE VI. 
 
 The Palace. 
 
 Enter King, Queen, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern. 
 
 King. 
 
 Welcome, dear Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern : 
 
 You have come just in time to serve our turn. 
 
 Something you've heard of Hamlet's transformation ; 
 
 But to account for his sad situation 
 
 We find impossible ; so you must pump him : 
 
 If he won't tell by fair means — why then — thump him. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Good gentlemen, right heartily he'll greet you, 
 For very often hath he wish'd to meet you ; 
 So stay, and find out what his real state is, 
 And we will give you board and lodging gratis. 
 
HAWH.ET TRAVESTIE. 1 9 
 
 Rosen. 
 
 Needs must (t) — You'd make us tarry if we wou'dn't, 
 And if we rather chose to go we cou'dn't. 
 
 Guild. 
 
 We'll so behave ourselves that you shall boast of us ; 
 Whilst we remain, I'd have you make the most of us. 
 
 King. 
 Thanks, lads. 
 
 £>ueen. 
 
 Now pray discover what this fun is. 
 {To attendants) Hollo, there! bring these jockeys where my 
 son is. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE VII. 
 
 Another Room in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Hamlet. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I think my plan will hit — they're caught, egad ! 
 
 And all the family believe I'm mad. 
 
 Guild'stern and Rosencrantz just now they sent 
 
 To sift my secrets, but they miss'd their scent — 
 
 And old Polonius too — that sneaking prig — 
 
 But if I let them pump me, dash my wig. 
 
 Hold ! something of the play'rs he said — aye — right. 
 
 I'll have them act a play this very night : 
 
 For guilty people oft (as nurses say) 
 
 Confess their sins when sitting at a play. — 
 
 They shall not act their tragedies ; I'd rather 
 
 Have something 'bout the murder of my father : 
 
20 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 'Twill make a charming ballet-pantomime — 
 We'll get it up in style, — if we have time. 
 The king shall come ; he'll not suspect the trick ; 
 I'll watch him close — I'll touch him to the quick : 
 The charge against him is, as yet, deficient, — 
 The honour of a ghost is not sufficient ; 
 But if the play affect him, I shall tell, O ! 
 That he's a knave — the ghost an honest fellow. 
 
 [Exit Hamlet. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 A Chamber in the Palace. 
 
 Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, 
 and Guildenstern. 
 
 King. 
 
 And can you, by no drift of conversation, 
 Smell out the cause of his sad situation ? 
 
 Rosen. 
 
 He does confess himself non compos mentis, (a) 
 But won't tell what the cause or the intent is. 
 
 Guilden. 
 
 He'll not be sounded ; he knows well enough 
 The game we're after : Zooks, he's up to snuff. (J>) 
 
 Queen. 
 Did you not try to get him out to play ? 
 
 Rosen. 
 It chanc'd we met the actors on the way : 
 
22 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 He jump'd for joy to hear it : they're at court ; 
 And he this night intends to have rare sport. 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 'Tis true ; and Hamlet says, that if your graces 
 Will come to see the play, he'll book you places. 
 
 King. 
 
 With all my heart : right glad am I to find 
 .That he to some amusement is inclin'd. 
 Pray, gentlemen, give him a further zest 
 For sports like these. 
 
 Rosen. 
 
 My Lord, we'll do our best. 
 
 \_Exeunt Guild, and Rosen. 
 
 King. 
 
 Sweet Gertrude, march your carcase : we have sent 
 For Hamlet, that (as 'twere by accident) 
 He here may meet Ophelia. — Thro' the key-hole 
 Polonius and myself will hear and see th' whole; 
 And from his conduct we shall soon discover 
 If Hamlet's be the madness of a lover. 
 
 S>ueen. 
 
 Ophelia, were he mad of love for you, 
 I think we'd cure him soon. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 I think so too. 
 
 [Exit Queen. 
 
HAMLrt - TRAVESTIE. 23 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 (To Ophelia) Here, take this book ; he'll think you're at 
 
 your pray'rs. 
 (To the King) Come, let's be off; I hear him on the stairs. 
 
 [Exeunt King and Polonius. 
 
 Enter Hamlet. 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Here we go up, up, up.") 
 
 When a man becomes tir'd of his life, 
 
 The question is, " to be, or not to be ?'' 
 . For before he dare finish the strife, 
 
 His reflections most serious ought to be. 
 When his troubles too numerous grow, 
 
 And he knows of no method to mend them, 
 Had he best bear them tamely, or no ? 
 Or by stoutly opposing them end them ? 
 
 Ri tol de ml, ®c. 
 
 To die is to sleep — nothing more — 
 
 And by sleeping to say we end sorrow, 
 And pain, and ten thousand things more — 
 
 O, I wish it were my turn to-morrow ! 
 But, perchance, in that sleep we may dream, 
 
 For we dream in our beds very often — 
 Now, however capricious 't may seem, 
 
 I've no notions of dreams in a coffin. 
 
 Br tol de rol, &c. 
 
24 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 'Tis the doubt of our ending all snugly 
 
 That makes us with life thus dispute ; 
 Or who'd bear with a wife old and ugly, 
 
 Or the length of a chancery suit ? 
 Or who would bear fardels, and take 
 
 Kicks, cuffs, frowns, and many an odd thing, 
 When he might his own quietus make, 
 
 And end all his cares with a bodkin ? 
 
 Ri tol de ml, &c. 
 
 Truly, death is a fine thing to talk of, 
 
 But I'll leave it to men of more learning 5 
 For my own part, I've no wish to walk off, 
 
 For I find there's no chance of returning. — 
 After all, 'tis the pleasanter way, 
 
 To bear up as we can 'gainst our sorrow : 
 So if things go not easy to-day, 
 
 Let us hope they'll go better to-morrow. 
 Ri to! de rol, &c. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Oh, ho ! Ophelia here. I'll shew my airs. — {Aside?) 
 Think of my pranks, Ophelia, in your pray'rs. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 I hope you're well, my Lord. {Aside!) I fear he'll bite (V). 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Methinks I'm something better, though not quite. 
 
HAM#ET TRAVESTIE. 25 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 I've got your present here ; I'll now return it, 
 Tho' oft I've had an itching, Sir, to burn it : 
 Pray take it back. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 What is't you mean ? 
 
 The pair 
 Of worsted garters from the Easter fair. 
 You know you gave them, and with words bewitching, 
 Last week when I was frying in the kitchen. 
 I've left them ever since upon the shelf, 
 In hopes you'd come and put them on yourself ; 
 But since you did not, they're not worth a penny : 
 So take them back. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 I never gave you any. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Mr. Mug.") 
 
 Let me tell you, Miss Ophelia, your behaviour's very rude, 
 And your whims and freaks and fancies ought in time to be 
 
 subdu'd ; 
 So if my advice will better you, to give it 'tis my duty : — 
 Imprimis : — let your honesty discourse not with your beauty. 
 Won't you, won't you, won't you to a nunnery go t 
 
 4 
 
26 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 I told you once I lov'd you ;but 'twas easy to perceive 
 That I didn't care a fig for you, as now you will believe. 
 In future, trust to none of us ; we're arrant knaves at best; 
 And I (as soon you'll find) am no better than the rest. 
 
 Won't you, won't you, &c. 
 
 If you marry, (just to comfort you,) this plague take for 
 
 portion, 
 That calumny will twig you, tho' you act with greatest caution : 
 But get some fool to marry you, if disengag'd your heart is ; 
 I shall not tell the reason — but 'twere better for both parties. 
 
 Won't you, won't you, fife. 
 
 I've lately been inform 'd that you paint both red and white ; 
 Heav'n gave you one face, and to make another is not right. 
 Your pranks have made me mad — Marriage bells no more 
 
 shall jingle — 
 The married may remain so, but the rest shall all keep single. 
 Won't you, 'won't you, &c. 
 
 [Exit Hamlet. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 O, what a pity such a charming lad 
 Should, at his time of life, go roaring mad ! 
 He says he loves me not — I'll call him in again, 
 And his aiFections try to win again. 
 
HAlwfltET TRAVESTIE. 27 
 
 RECITATIVE (accompanied,) and DUETT (d). 
 
 Hamlet and Ophelia. 
 
 Recitative. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 Dear Hamlet, pray come back. {Enter Hamlet.) I'm your's for ever. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 And shall we never part, love ? 
 
 {Together.) 
 
 Ah ! no, never ! 
 
 Duett. 
 
 (Tune — " Ftie iiss'd and I've prattled.'") 
 
 Hamlet. 
 I've made love to fifty young women in Denmark, 
 
 And chang'd them as oft, d'ye see : 
 But if she would promise to love me — why, then mark — 
 
 Ophelia's the maid for me. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 I've kiss'd and I've prattled with fifty young fellows, 
 
 And chang'd them as oft, d'ye see : 
 But if he would not be so devilish jealous, 
 
 Young Hamlet's the lad for me. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Your father, I know, doesn't much like the match ; 
 
 But we in our choice will be free : 
 I'm a prince — and he ought to be glad of the catch, 
 
 For Ophelia's the maid for me. 
 
28 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 We know very well that advice cheap as dirt is, 
 
 And plenty I've had, d'ye see : 
 But in spite of the lessons of brother Laertes, 
 
 Young Hamlet's the lad for me. 
 
 Hamlet and Ophelia. 
 Then here be an end to our squabbles and strife 
 And happy for ever we'll be. 
 Ham. And as no other woman shall e'er be my wife, 
 Oph. And as no other man shall e'er make me his wife, 
 Ham. Ophelia's the maid for me. 
 
 Oph. Young Hamlet's the lad for me. 
 
 {Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 A Theatre in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Hamlet and the First Actor. 
 
 Song. — Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Liberty-Hall:") 
 
 Tho* a talent for acting must nature impart, 
 'Tis refin'd and improv'd by the lessons of art; 
 So I'll teach you the rules my experience affords, 
 As I once had an itching myself for the boards. 
 
 To! dc rol, &c. 
 
 When speaking a speech, it an actor becomes 
 To mumble as tho' he'd his mouth full of plums, 
 For mouthing's a sine qua non : if you doubt it, 
 
 Pray say what were W or M without it ? 
 
 Tel dt rol, &c. 
 
ham£et travestie. 29 
 
 All actors should study what folks call the graces — 
 That's the twist of their legs, and the set of their faces : 
 But for gracefully using their arms my advice is, 
 
 They, like C , saw the air, as it were, into slices. 
 
 Tol de rol, &c. 
 
 Some will tell you, " be calm 3" but, in spite of their cant, 
 
 And their critical jargon, strut, bellow, and rant : 
 
 To bamboozle the flats and to keep them from snoring, 
 
 R proves that there's nothing like ranting and roaring. 
 
 Tol de rol, &c. 
 
 But in speeches which, teeming with passion, require 
 
 All an £ 's spirit, a K 's own fire, 
 
 If you'd hope H S to equal in fame, 
 
 You, like him, must be lifeless, insipid, and tame. 
 
 Tol de rol, &c. 
 
 Some critics assert (but I stoutly dispute it), 
 
 That each word stands in need of an action to suit it :— 
 
 Their principle's false ; — and, if fairly they'll try it, 
 
 C , C , and twenty besides, will deny it. 
 
 Tol de rol, &c. 
 
 Like M or D , when playing the clown, 
 
 Always garnish the author's with wit of your own : 
 And tho' knowing ones hiss ; yet the god's approbation, 
 In a horse-laugh, will greet you. — So ends my oration. 
 
 Tol de ml, &c. 
 
 [Exit First Actor. 
 
3<3 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Enter Horatio. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Horatio, is that you ? I'm glad to meet you. 
 
 Horatio. 
 My honour'd lord, most proud am I to greet you. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Horatio, you're as tight a lad, I say, 
 
 As one may meet with in a summer's day. (e) 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Come, that won't do, my lord : — now that's all gam- 
 mon. (/") 
 He's throwing out a sprat to catch a salmon. 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Sir, if you think it gammon, you mistake me ; 
 
 For if I gammon you, the devil take me : 
 
 You know I cannot hope to gain a louse 
 
 From you, who are as poor as a church-mouse. 
 
 No, let him cringe who hopes to mend his gains ; 
 
 I should but get my labour for my pains. 
 
 Since I could tell a dray-horse from a poney, (g) 
 
 I've fix'd on you, Horatio, for my croney : 
 
 You're ne'er down-hearted ; fortune's freaks you smother, 
 
 And when she slaps one cheek, you hold up t'other. 
 
 Give me the man that stands all sorts of weather, 
 
 And we shall soon be hand and glove together. 
 
HAM«ET TRAVESTIE. 3 1 
 
 Something too much of this. — 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Pray what's the reason 
 Your lordship sent for me ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 To smoke out treason. 
 You must with me in a good joke unite : 
 We have pic-nic theatricals to-night : 
 A pantomimic ballet I intend 
 To represent my dad's untimely end. 
 To do't in style I've made great preparations — 
 New music, scenery, dresses, decorations. — 
 I've just sent tickets to the King and Queen — 
 Now watch my uncle in the murder-scene — 
 I'll bet a wager he'll convict himself; 
 If not, this spectre is a lying elf, 
 And I have all this time been drunk or dreaming. 
 However, let us closely note his seeming. 
 
 Horatio. 
 My lord, we will. 
 
 \Flourisb of Trumpets and Drums. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 This trumpeting and drumming 
 Give notice that the King and Queen are coming. 
 To keep the joke up I must idle be ; 
 Go to your place, and keep a seat for me. 
 
32 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 A GRAND MARCH. 
 
 Enter Polonius, King, Queen, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, 
 
 GuiLDENSTERN, OsRICK, MaRCELLUS, BERNARDO, GeNTLE- 
 
 men, and Ladies. 
 
 King. 
 How fares our cousin Hamlet ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Tightly, tightly ; 
 I eat the air : — You can't feed pigs so lightly. 
 
 King. 
 Pooh ! — Nonsense Sir ! — Such words I don't acknow- 
 ledge. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 {To Pol.) You told me, Sir, you acted once at col- 
 lege. 
 
 Polonius. 
 I acted Csesar — Brutus laid me lower. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 A brute, indeed, to kill so great a bore ! 
 
 §>ueen. 
 Come, sit by me, dear Hamlet, whilst they're acting. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I'd rather not ; here's metal more attracting. 
 
 (To Ophelia) Ophelia, may I lie upon your knees ? 
 
 Ophelia. 
 O, surely ; or wherever else you please. 
 
HAl!ft.ET TRAVESTIE. 33 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Look at mamma — She's grinning, by the pow'rs, 
 And father died within the last two hours ! — 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 Two months. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 So long ? Nay then I'll turn the tables ; 
 The deuce take black ; I'll have a suit of sables. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 Pray, what's the play, my Lord ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I've ne'er a bill ; 
 I cannot tell ; — but that rum jockey will. 
 
 THE CURTAIN RISES. 
 
 Enter 2d Actor as Prologue. 
 
 For us, and for our pantomime, 
 
 We beg you'll give us grace and time (b). 
 
 [Exit. 
 
34 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 THE PANTOMIME (*'). 
 SCENE.— A garden. 
 
 Enter Duke and Duchess — They embrace — Vow eternal love and 
 constancy — Duke suddenly taken ill — Duchess alarmed — Shrieks 
 — Enter a Page — Exit — and return with a bottle and glass — 
 Duchess fills the glass for Duke, whilst she herself receives 
 consolation from the bottle — Duke intimates that he feels his 
 end fast approaching — Duchess strikes her forehead, clasps her 
 hands, &c. &c. — (the usual pantomime signs of distress) — Vows 
 never to survive him — at least, to live single ever after — 
 Duke shakes his head in a manner as expressive as possible 
 of the monosyllable " fudge " — Duchess points to the del- 
 ing, {the pantomime mode of swearing), and exhibits 'a scroll 
 thus inscribed : 
 
 " No second husband will I take, 
 " When I have lost my first, 
 
 " I swear : and if my vow I break, 
 " Why, then — may I be curs'd." 
 
 They embrace — Duke gently reclines his head over his right 
 shoulder, and meets it with the palm of his right hand (pan- 
 tomime for " sleepy") — Duchess takes the hint — Reaches a chair 
 — Duke seats himself — Sleeps — Snores — Duchess points to the 
 Duke — Presses her heart — Points to the cieling — and exit. 
 
H/ftflLET TRAVESTIE. 35 
 
 Hamlet. 
 (To Queen.) Like you the play ? 
 
 £>ueen. 
 
 Indeed, I must confess, 
 The lady vows too much. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 She means no less. 
 
 King. 
 
 I hope the actors no offence intend. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 You'll find they are but jesting in the end. 
 
 There's no offence : the story, please your grace, 
 
 A murder done in some outlandish place. 
 
 O, 'twas a scurvy trick ; but that all nonsense is 
 
 To you and I, my Lord, who have clear consciences : 
 
 / never did a murder — / can bear it ; 
 
 But if the cap fit you, why, you may wear it. 
 
 But let's be quiet — See, they're coming in. — 
 
 Now, murd'rer, damn your faces, and begin. 
 
 The pantomime continued. 
 
 Enter Duke's nephew — Listens whether the Duke is asleep — Takes a 
 bottle from his pocket — Attempts in vain to draw the cork — Exit — 
 And return with a corkscrew and a funnel — Draws the cork— Puts 
 the funnel to Duke's ear — Pours the contents of the bottle into it — A 
 noise — Exit in haste. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Is not the case of the poor Duke a hard one ? 
 For his estate he's poison'd in his garden. 
 
36 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 You'll see anon the murd'rer weds his widow ; — 
 'Twas his own nephew who the murder did. 
 
 King. 
 
 Oh! 
 
 King faints, and is carried off- — Followed by Queen, Polonius, 
 Ophelia, &c. &c. 
 
 \Manent Hamlet and Horatio. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 Oh dear what can the matter be ! 
 Dear, dear, what can the matter be ! 
 O dear, what can the matter be ! 
 
 Did you see how he fainted away ? 
 To condemn any man on slight grounds I'm not willing ; 
 But in future I'll take the ghost's word for a shilling : — 
 Did you notice the king when it came to the killing ? — 
 
 And now, friend, I wish you good day. 
 
 [Exit Horatio. 
 
 Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. 
 
 Rosen. 
 My Lord, I have a message. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Well, what is it ? 
 
 Rosen. 
 The Queen desires you'll pay her soon a visit. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I'll come anon. — But stay — upon my life, 
 I'll have you play a tune upon this fife. 
 
ha»S,et travestie. 37 
 
 Rosen. 
 My Lord, I can't. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 I know you can. 
 
 Rosen. 
 
 The fact is, 
 I could play once, but now I'm out of practice. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Come, Sir, then you shall play. (To Guild.) 
 
 Guild. 
 
 My Lord, I would, 
 But I can't play at all, nor ever could. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Why, look ye, what a nincompoop you'd make me. 
 Zounds, Sirs, for what the devil do you take me ? 
 Not play on this, and yet sound me ! Od's life, 
 D'ye think I'm easier play'd on than a fife ? 
 I'm not the booby you may think — March ! fly ! — 
 And tell my mother I'll come by and by. 
 
 [Exeunt Rosen, and Guild. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Hey randy dandy 0.") 
 
 'Tis now the very time of night, 
 
 Hey randy dandy O ! 
 When ghosts to stalk about delight, 
 
 With their gallopping randy dandy O ! 
 
38 HAMLET TRAVESTLE. 
 
 'Tis now the time when church-yards yawn, 
 
 Hey randy dandy O ! 
 And let their tenants out till morn, 
 
 With their gallopping randy dandy O ! 
 
 For a precious row I'm just in cue ; 
 
 Hey randy dandy O ! 
 Some mischief I should like to do, 
 
 With my gallopping randy dandy O ! 
 
 But first I'll to my mother go, 
 
 Hey randy dandy O ! 
 And what is what I'll soon let her know, 
 
 With my gallopping randy dandy O ! 
 
 \_Exit Hamlet. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 The Queen's Closet. 
 Enter Queen and Polonius. 
 
 Polonius. 
 
 He'll soon be here : — then let him have his whack : 
 Tell him he'll bring a house upon his back ; 
 Tell him his pranks may get him soon a kicking, 
 And that your grace has sav'd him many a licking. 
 I'll go and hide myself behind the curtain. 
 Now mind your eye — 
 
 Queen. 
 I'll tip it him for certain. 
 
 [Polonius conceals himself behind the arras. 
 
haiAet travestie. 39 
 
 Enter Hamlet. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Well, mother, what's the matter with you now ? 
 
 Queen. 
 Your father, Sir, has made a pretty row (i). 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Mother, you've put my father in a passion. 
 
 Queen. 
 Zounds, Sir, don't answer in this idle fashion. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 None of your blarney ; it won't do to-night — 
 
 Queen. 
 Have you forgot me, puppy ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 No, not quite : 
 You are the Queen — wife to your husband's brother ; 
 And (tho* I blush to own you) you're my mother. 
 
 Queen. 
 Behave yourself; — be decent, Sir, I beg. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Sit down, — and dam'me if you stir a peg 
 'Till I have let you see your very soul. — 
 
 Queen. 
 What ! Wouldst thou kill me ? Help, ho ! Watch ! — 
 
 Polonius. 
 (Behind) Patrole ! 
 
40 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 A rat, — a rat, — by Jove, that's just the thing ; — 
 He's dead as sure as two-pence. 
 (Hamlet draws, and stabs Polonius behind the arras.) 
 
 Is't the King ? 
 
 Queen. 
 
 O, Hamlet ! you have done a deed felonious ; — 
 You've kill'd our poor lord-chamberlain, Polonius ! 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 They who throw stones should mind their windows, 
 
 mother. — 
 Who kill'd a king and married with his brother > 
 
 Queen. 
 If I know what you mean, the devil burn me. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 (Lifts up the arras and sees Polonius.) 
 
 Thou'st paid for list'ning to what don't concern thee. 
 
 {To Queen.) Leave wringing of your hands ; before we 
 
 part, 
 I'll take the liberty to wring your heart. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 What have I done that you dare make so free, 
 As thus to blow me up, and bully me ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Oh ! such an act — it scarcely can be nam'd — 
 So bad — I wonder you're not more asham'd. 
 Jump o'er a broomstick (/), but don't make a farce on 
 The marriage ceremonies of the parson. 
 
HAM?ET TRAVESTIE. 4 1 
 
 Queen. 
 What act d'you mean ? — You hoax — there's nothing in it. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 I'll let you know my meaning in a minute. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Drops of Brandy.") 
 
 Come sit you down here, ma'am, a little, 
 
 And I'll shew you two counterfeit faces ; 
 They're done from the life to a tittle — 
 
 Come, none of your fine airs and graces. 
 Look on this first : the likeness you well know, — 
 
 Like a ploughman so plump and so chubby ; 
 A good-looking, fine, strapping, fellow ; — 
 
 Now, madam, this once was your hubby. 
 
 Ri tol, &c. 
 
 You'll now please to look upon this : 
 
 I'd have married a monkey as soon — 
 An old, ugly, undersiz'd, quiz — 
 
 Zounds ! the fellow looks like a baboon ! 
 How could you take this — and forego 
 
 The one I now hold in my hand, mother ? 
 You can't say 'twas for love ; for you know 
 
 That you're almost as old as my grandmother. 
 
 Ri tol, &c. 
 6 
 
42 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 O, say no more — I'll mind what I'm about : 
 Your words have almost turn'd me inside out. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Nay, but to live, (in not the best repute,) 
 
 With that inhuman, cruel, murd'rous, brute ; 
 
 A very Filch, that more deserves to hang 
 
 Than any one of the light-fingered gang ; 
 
 That from a shelf the precious crown did thieve, 
 
 And put it in his pocket — without leave : 
 
 A King of shreds and patches — (Enter Ghost,) Ha ! here's 
 
 dad! 
 What is't you're come about ? 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Alas ! he's mad ! 
 
 TRIO. — Hamlet, Ghost, Queen. 
 
 (Tune—" 0, Lady Fair.") 
 
 Hamlet — O, spectre grim ! What brings thee here now ? 
 
 Thou com'st thy tardy son to chide, I fear now. 
 
 I own thy commission, as yet, is not quite done; 
 
 Don't be in a hurry, and all shall be right done. 
 Ghost — Thee of thy promise I come to remind, Sir :— 
 {Baa) A nod's like a wink to a horse that is blind, Sir. 
 
I 3 
 
 hamlet travestie. 43 
 
 Siuecn — Say, Hamlet, say, on what art thou staring ; 
 
 So frightened am I, that I vow 'tis past bearing. 
 
 On what art thou looking ? To whom art thou 
 talking ? 
 
 I can see nothing ! O, where art thou walking ? 
 Ghost — But look at thy mother ; she seems in a stew, Sir ; 
 
 Tell her she'd better not be frighten'd — pray do, Sir ! 
 
 Hamlet — Whom 'tis I look at, fain you'd be knowing : 
 
 Straight thro' the trap-door now he is going. 
 Sluem — Whom 'tis you look at, fain I'd be knowing : — 
 
 Who thro' the trap-door now is going ? 
 Ghost — Whom 'tis you look at, fain she'd be knowing : 
 
 Straight thro' the trap-door now I'm going. 
 
 [Ghost sinks. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Hamlet, these pranks of your's do much amaze me ; 
 You surely must be either drunk or crazy. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Mother, I fear your crimes are past all cure j 
 But I am no .more mad nor drunk than you are. 
 So don't humbug yourself; I'm not in liquor. — 
 Confess your sins this instant to the vicar ; 
 Repent what's past, and don't do so again — 
 
 Queen. 
 O, Hamlet, you have cut my heart in twain. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Then throw away the rotten part, good mother, 
 And strive to make a better use of t'other. 
 Good night ; and, when you next lay down your head, 
 Be sure you kick my uncle out of bed : 
 
44 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 For tho' at best you're no great things — 'twere right 
 To keep appearance up. — Once more, good night. 
 
 [Exit Queen. 
 I must be staunch with her — I dare not falter : 
 And thus we whip a thief, to save him from the halter. 
 
 [Exit Hamlet. 
 
 END OF THE SECOND ACT. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 ACT THE THIRD. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 An Apartment in the Palace. 
 
 Enter King and Queen. 
 
 King. 
 Explain these sighs ; 'tis lit we share the fun : 
 How's Hamlet ? 
 
 Queen. 
 Mad as butter in the sun : (/?) 
 Hearing a noise, " a rat, a rat," he roar'd, 
 And in his crazy fit whipp'd out his sword, 
 And ran Polonius thro' behind the curtain. 
 
 King. 
 
 Had we been there, he'd have spik'd us for certain. 
 
 Soon as 'tis day-light he shall buy a brush ; 
 
 And this unlucky job we'll try to hush. 
 
 Ho ! Guildenstern ! {Enter Guild, and Rosen.) Just now 
 
 hath Hamlet slain, 
 By way of joke, our poor lord-chamberlain. — 
 
46 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 The body to the bone-house take ; — seek out 
 And bring lord Hamlet here. — Come, jump about. 
 
 [Exeunt Guild, and Rosen. 
 
 We'll now prepare to pack him off to London : — 
 As for Polonius — what's done can't be undone. 
 
 [Exit Queen. 
 
 If Hamlet thus go loose he'll make a racket, 
 And yet we dare not give him a straight jacket ; 
 Because tag, rag and bob-tail love him dearly — 
 And right from wrong they can't distinguish clearly. 
 
 Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern with Hamlet. 
 
 King. 
 Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 He's in heaven ; 
 But if you think that I'm to lying giv'n, 
 Send there to see ; if there your man don't nick him, 
 E'en to the devil go yourself and seek him. 
 If in a month you find not where he's closeted, 
 Your nose will hint i'th' dust-hole he's deposited. 
 
 King. 
 Go seek him there ; I fear he's only humming. 
 
 [Exit Guild. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Pray don't fatigue yourself; he'll wait your coming. 
 
habHet travestie. 47 
 
 King. 
 
 From pure regard for thee, this cursed blunder 
 Must send thee, Hamlet, hence. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I shou'dn't wonder ! 
 
 King. 
 
 Therefore for England instantly prepare ; 
 The packet's ready and the wind is fair., 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Good. 
 
 King. 
 
 So you'd say if you our reasons knew, 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 There's one above sees all — But come ; adieu ! 
 
 [Exit Hamlet and Rosen. 
 
 King. 
 
 Now, England, if thou car'st for us a button, 
 Thou'll sweetly tickle this young jockey's mutton, (b) 
 
 \Exit King. 
 
48 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 Another Room in the Palace. 
 
 Enter Queen and Horatio. 
 
 Queen. 
 I will not speak with her. 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 She'll breed a riot ; 
 You'd better have her in to keep her quiet. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Well, send her up. (Exit Hor.) I think the devil's 
 
 in it, 
 That I can never be alone a minute. 
 
 Enter Horatio with Ophelia. 
 Ophelia (sings). 
 
 Three children sliding on the ice, 
 
 All on a summer's day, 
 The ice it broke — they all fell in — 
 
 The rest — they ran away. 
 
 Queen. 
 Sweet lady, what's the meaning of this song ? 
 
 Ophelia. 
 I'll sing the rest — for 'tis not very long. 
 
hAilet travestie. 49 
 
 (Sings.) 
 
 Now had these children staid at home, 
 
 And slid upon dry ground, 
 They broken necks had had, perchance, 
 
 But never had been drown'd. 
 
 Enter King. 
 
 King. 
 
 How is't, Ophelia ? 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 Where's the use of sorrow ? 
 For, ah ! we're gone to-day and here to-morrow ! 
 
 SONG.— Ophelia. 
 
 (Tune — " Hoiv happy could I be with either.) 
 
 "Tis the fashion for lads to court lasses, 
 But I know a case quite contrary : 
 
 Peggy Tomkins (c) lov'd Johnny the butler, 
 And she whistled for John down the area. 
 
 Ri tol, i 
 
 King. 
 Pretty Ophelia. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 Aye, 'tis true, depend on't ; 
 And so, without an oath, I'll make an end on't. 
 
 7 
 
5° HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 (Sings.) 
 
 Says John " go to the back-kitchen window, 
 
 And quickly I'll come and unbar it." 
 But, to shorten a very long story, 
 
 Peggy staid all night long in John's garret. 
 
 Ri tol, &c. 
 King. 
 How long hath she been thus ? 
 
 Queen. 
 
 I cannot tell. 
 
 Ophelia. 
 
 We must be patient ; all may yet be well. 
 Yet I must weep — to lay him in the dirt is 
 A dirty trick — I'll tell it to Laertes. 
 I thank you — so 'tis best — you counsel right — 
 My coach — three thirty-five (d) — good night, good 
 night. 
 
 [Exit Ophelia. 
 King. 
 
 Follow her close : Horatio, you be at her ; 
 See you look sharp. (Exit Hor.) Hollo, there ! what's 
 the matter ? 
 
 [Noise without. 
 
 Enter Marcellus. 
 
 Marcellus. 
 
 My lord, my lord, Laertes heads a mob, 
 And comes to knock about your royal nob : 
 
H/SlLET TRAVESTIE. 5 1 
 
 The rabble swear your majesty shall swing, 
 And loudly cry, " Laertes shall be king." 
 
 [Exit Marcellus. 
 [Noise without. 
 
 Enter Laertes. 
 
 Laertes. 
 You blackguard ! {To the King.) 
 
 Queen. 
 Fie ! Laertes. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 I had rather 
 You'd mind your business. {To King) Give me back 
 my father. 
 
 King. 
 
 Hold him fast, Gertrude, I'll get out o' th' way ; 
 He's twice as big as I am. {Going.) 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Stop, I say ! 
 Who kill'd my father? 
 
 King. 
 How should I know ? 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Nonsense. 
 
 Queen. 
 He did not kill him. 
 
 King. 
 
 No, upon my conscience. 
 
52 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 I'll prove my innocence beyond all doubt. 
 
 Laertes. 
 None of your blarney, («) — but I'll soon find out. 
 I'll twig ye all for't — I'll not stand your humming — 
 
 Enter Horatio. 
 
 Horatio. 
 Here's Miss Ophelia, Sir. 
 
 King. 
 Pray let her come in. 
 
 Enter Ophelia, fantastically dressed with straws and 
 flowers, her clothes splashed with mud and dirt. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 My pretty maid — This is too much to bear ! 
 By Gemini she's mad as a March hare ! 
 
 Ophelia. (Sings.) 
 
 Giles Scroggins courted Molly Brown, 
 
 Ri to/, fife. 
 The fairest wench in all the town. 
 
 Tiddy, tiddy, fife. 
 
 Laertes. 
 To see her thus — O, 'tis a doleful pity ! 
 
 Ophelia. 
 What must be, must — but hush ! — I'll end my ditty. 
 
HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 53 
 
 (Sings.) 
 
 A captain bold in Halifax, 
 
 Who liv'd in country quarters, 
 
 Seduc'd a maid who hang'd herself, 
 One morning, in her garters. 
 
 Stop — stop — I've brought some fruit: — for you, sweet 
 
 Queen, 
 The finest cabbage that was ever seen ; 
 For you a bunch of carrots ; and for you 
 A turnip — and I'll eat a turnip too. 
 To bring a rope of onions, (/") too, I tried, 
 But father ate them all before he died. 
 Well, there's an end of him ! — he's gone ! — aye, true — 
 Come, one song more, and then — then I'll go too. 
 
 SONG.— Ophelia. 
 
 And will he not come again ? 
 And will he not come again ? 
 
 He is knock'd 0' the head, 
 
 And than mutton more dead, 
 And never will come again. 
 
 His beard was as white as my shift, 
 As white as my shift was his pole : 
 
 He is gone — let's be jolly, 
 
 For grieving's a folly, 
 And never will save his soul. 
 
 [Exeunt Ophelia and Queen. 
 
54 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 King. 
 
 Laertes, I lament your situation : 
 
 But come ; we'll have a private conversation, 
 
 And I'll acquaint you who 'twas kill'd your father. — 
 
 Or, if you like not this plan, and had rather 
 
 Submit our diff'rence to an arbiration, 
 
 You may depend on ample reparation. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 His shabby fun'ral too — O sad reproach ! 
 
 Not e'en attended by a morning-coach ; 
 
 No mutes, no pall-bearers, and (what's still worse) 
 
 Two wretched knock'd-up hacks to draw his hearse. 
 
 I'll have revenge. 
 
 King. 
 
 You shall. — Tip us your daddle : 
 But on the right horse see you place the saddle. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 Another Room in the Palace, 
 
 Enter King and Laertes. 
 
 King. 
 
 And now, my cock of wax, I've prov'd that I 
 Have never had a finger in the pie. 
 Thinking to murder me, did Hamlet kill him. 
 
 Laertes. 
 O, let me catch him, and I'll sweetly mill him (g). 
 
hXmlet travestie. 55 
 
 King. 
 
 That may you speedily. — E'en now I've learn'd, 
 Hamlet hath unexpectedly return'd. 
 Now, I've a scheme will suit us to a T ; 
 'Twill keep suspicion too from you and me : 
 To his long home he quickly shall be sent, 
 And so, as it shall seem, by accident. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 I will be rul'd by you ; but plan it so, 
 That /may tip the rascal his death-blow. 
 
 King. 
 
 'Tis rumour'd you're a famous pugilist ; — 
 Now, Hamlet oft hath long'd to try your fist : — 
 I'll have you box together for a wager ! 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 To give him a sound drubbing I'll engage, Sir : 
 Depend upon't, who's who I'll let him know. 
 
 King. 
 Contrive to give him an unlucky blow. — 
 But, to make sure of him, (should this plan fail,) 
 I'll put some ars'nic in a mug of ale ; 
 And when he's hot and thirsty with the fight, 
 I'll give it him to drink — What think you ? 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Enter Queen. 
 
 Right ! 
 
 £>ueen. 
 
 Misfortunes ne'er come singly, oft I've found ; 
 Now here's a pretty rig — Ophelia's drown'd. 
 
$6 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 SONG.— Queen. 
 
 (Tune—" Our Polly . is a sad slut.") 
 
 Ophelia is a sad slut ! 
 
 In spite of all I'd taught her, 
 She went to fish for tittlebats, 
 
 And fell into the water. 
 An envious bramble near the ditch 
 
 Fast by the ankle caught her, 
 And sous'd her over head and heels, 
 
 Slap-dash into the water. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Oh! I've a speech of fire; but, like a spout, 
 My tears do play upon't, and put it out ! 
 
 King. 
 
 I've had enough ado to keep him quiet, 
 And now will he kick up another riot. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
hXmlet travestie. 57 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 A Church-Yard. 
 
 Gravedigger discovered digging « Grave. 
 
 SONG. — Gravedigger. 
 
 (Tune—" Black Joke") 
 
 O, long life to the sons of the pick-axe and spade, 
 For they hold up an antient respectable trade ; 
 
 JVith my dig, dig, pick-axe and spade. 
 
 In the hist'ry of all early states 'twill be found, 
 
 That each half-naked nobleman dug his own ground ; — 
 
 For antiquity, all trades to delving must give in, 
 
 Since by digging e'en Adam himself earn'd his living. 
 
 With my dig, dig, pick-axe and spade. 
 
 Whilst the Gravedigger is singing this Verse, 
 Hamlet and Horatio enter at a distance. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 This fellow digs and sings — unfeeling knave ! 
 He's making merry of a trade that's grave. 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Use, Sir, is second nature. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 On reflection, 
 I think I'd do the same were I a sexton. 
 
 8 
 
58 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Gravedigger (stags). 
 
 The carpenter, shipwright, and mason, may boast 
 Of the strength of their buildings — they're nut-shells at most : 
 
 With my dig, dig, &c. 
 
 But the sexton builds stronger than all put together, 
 For the houses that he makes defy wind and weather ; 
 And his tenants lie snug, undisturb'd, and content, 
 For they're ne'er teased for taxes, nor troubled for rent. 
 
 With my dig, dig, &c. 
 
 [Gravedigger throws up several skulls. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 That skull might once have been a politician's ; 
 And that a lawyer's, or a grave physician's. 
 Law, politics, and physic, now must grovel, 
 To bear a basting with a dirty shovel ! — 
 That sexton seems a dev'lish dry old elf : 
 Horatio, shall we quiz him ? 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Please yourself. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 (To Gravedigger) Do'st know whose skull was this 
 amongst the many ? 
 
 Gravedigger. 
 What ! can't you tell ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Why, how the devil can I ? 
 
hamlet travestie. 59 
 
 Gravedigger. 
 
 Of all good fellows sure he was the best, Sir ! 
 This skull was Yorick's once, the late king's jester. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Alas, poor Yorick ! — Sir, I knew him well — O ! 
 
 He was indeed a jolly roaring fellow. 
 
 Horatio, he would get dead drunk, — and after 
 
 Could keep the table in a roar of laughter ; 
 
 The first and last was he in ev'ry row : 
 
 O' th' wrong side of his mouth he's laughing now. 
 
 Now, when Miss Prim is seated at her glass, 
 
 With paints and washes to bedaub her face, 
 
 Tell her, (to make her giggle at her toilette,) 
 
 That, paint her face inch thick, yet death will spoil it. 
 
 SONG.— Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Dorothy Dumps") 
 
 When depriv'd of our breath, 
 
 By that harlequin, Death, 
 His pantomime-changes fast follow : 
 
 First his magic displaces 
 
 Eyes and nose from our faces, 
 And like this leaves them ghastly and hollow. 
 
 'Tis to him the same thing, 
 
 Whether beggar or king, — 
 'Midst his frolics all share the same fate ; 
 
 And certain it is, 
 
 To a thing just like this, 
 He transform 'd Alexander the Great. 
 
60 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Next, without much delay, 
 
 We're converted to clayj 
 But our next transformation's a lott'ry : 
 
 Some are chang'd into cans, 
 
 Some to pint-pots or pans — 
 Some to tea-pots from Wedgewood's fam'd pott'ry! 
 
 By this rule may we trace 
 
 Julius Caesar's bold face, 
 'Till we find it i' th' form of a jug ; 
 
 And renown'd Alexander, 
 
 The world's great commander, 
 A two-penny earthenware mug ! ! 
 
 Bell tolls. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 But mum ! here come King, Queen, and all the 
 
 court : 
 Let's stand aside awhile and see the sport. 
 
 {Bell tolls. 
 
 Enter Friar, King, Queen, Laertes, Marcellus, 
 Bernardo, Gentlemen, and Ladies, following the 
 corpse of Ophelia. 
 
 Laertes. 
 Must there no more be done ? 
 
 Friar. 
 
 Steady, lad, steady ; 
 Don't talk of more — we've done too much already. 
 
#AMLET TRAVESTIE. 6 1 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 In with her then: {The coffin is put into the grave) and 
 
 if, as gossips tell, 
 Old maids are destin'd to lead apes in hell, 
 May'st thou be one in my poor sister's train. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 What, my old sweetheart ! We're bewitch'd, 'tis 
 plain (h). 
 
 S>ueen. 
 
 (Scattering flowers) Instead of this, as I'm a living 
 
 sinner, 
 I thought t'have had soon a good wedding-dinner. 
 
 [The Gravedigger about to throw 
 the earth into the grave. 
 
 DUETT. — Laertes and Hamlet. 
 
 (Tune — " Nancy Dawson.") 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Sexton, throw aside your spade, 
 Don't be in so much haste, my blade ; 
 Once more I'll buss the bonny maid, 
 Before the grave you fill, Sir. 
 
 , [Leaps into the grave. 
 
 Now cover up the quick and dead, 
 And pile your dust upon my head, 
 'Till of this flat a mount you've made 
 As high as Greenwich-hill, Sir, 
 
62 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Hamlet {advancing). 
 Who's ranting in so fine a strain ? 
 
 Laertes. 
 Pray, who are you ? 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Hamlet, the Dane. 
 
 Laertes. 
 I'm glad I've caught you here again — 
 Now dam'me but I'll choak thee. 
 
 [Springs out of the grave, and catches 
 Hamlet by the throat. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Let go my throat — don't squeeze so tight ; 
 For, tho' I'm not the first to fight, 
 I'll thump you to your heart's delight, — 
 So you'd better not provoke me. 
 
 I'll fight for her (so hold your mag) 
 Until my eye-lids cease to wag ; 
 But if you only mean to brag, 
 
 Come tell me what you'll do, Sir ? 
 Of paltry Greenviich-hill you speak, 
 But on me I'll let them pile a heap 
 That shall rival the Devil's A — e a-peak — 
 
 I'll rant as well as you, Sir. 
 
 [Exeunt Hamlet and Horatio. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 Alas, he's crack'd ! Awhile he'll growl like Towzer (/) : 
 Anon, he's patient as a hungry mouser (&). 
 
ISamlet travestie. 63 
 
 King. 
 
 Good Gertrude, see your crazy son you make fast. 
 
 [Exit Queen. 
 And now, Laertes, we'll go home to breakfast. 
 
 [Exeunt King, Laertes, &c. &c. 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 A Hall in the Palace, 
 
 Enter Hamlet and Horatio. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Horatio, I am sorry for this squabble ; 
 I fear 'twill get me in a precious hobble. 
 
 Enter Osrick. 
 
 Osrick. 
 
 (To Hamlet) His Majesty hath made a match for you, 
 
 Sir, 
 To spar with young Laertes — a prime bruiser ; — 
 And betted him ten shillings to a crown 
 That you, my lord, will give the first knock down. 
 Laertes is quite ready to set to ; 
 They're all assembled, and but wait for you. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Lead on : I'll fight him, Sir : I ne'er felt bolder. 
 
 Horatio. 
 I'll be your second. 
 
 Osrick. 
 I, your bottle-holder. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
64 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 SCENE VI. 
 
 The Court of Denmark. 
 Flourish of trumpets and drums. 
 
 King and Queen seated — Laertes, Osrick, Marcellus, 
 Bernardo, Gentlemen, and Ladies, discovered. 
 
 Enter Hamlet and Horatio. 
 
 King. 
 
 To put an end to squabble, strife, and noise, 
 Shake hands and make it up, my jolly boys. 
 
 \To Hamlet and Laertes. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 {To Laertes) Sir, I have done you wrong, and sorely 
 
 rue it, 
 But, on my word, I didn't go to do it ; 
 Therefore, let's make it up ; — come, don't be hard on — 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 Enough ; no man can do more than beg pardon. — 
 We're friends. — 
 
 Hamlet. 
 With all my heart. Come, let's set to. 
 Bring me the gloves — 
 
 Laertes. 
 And bring me a pair too. 
 
ifAMLET TRAVESTIE. 65 
 
 King. 
 Hamlet, you know the wager. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Aye, my Lord ; 
 You've back'd the worser man tho', on my word. 
 
 King. 
 
 I'm not afraid ; I'm sure you'll not fight shy ; 
 If you don't win, I know at least you'll try. 
 
 Laertes. 
 These gloves are much too tight — another pair — 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Mine fit. — Are his as soft as mine ? 
 
 Osrick. 
 
 All's fair. 
 
 King. 
 
 If i' th' two first rounds Hamlet hit most blows, 
 Or 'scape the third without a bloody nose, 
 Let all the guns we've got make the discovery; — 
 The King shall drink to Hamlet's quick recovery ; 
 And in the beer this nutmeg shall he pound, 
 The largest that in Denmark could be found. — 
 Give me the mug : now drum a loud tattoo ; 
 The drum shall tell the trumpet what to do ; 
 The trumpet's tantarara, post, (/) shall set off, 
 And tell the cannoneer the guns to let off ; 
 The cannoneer shall fire 'em, and then — stop — 
 I think I've said enough — I'll drink a drop. 
 
 ■9 
 
66 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Here's Hamlet's health ! {Drums, trumpets, and cannon) 
 
 Come, now begin the bout ; 
 And you, the judges, keep a sharp look-out. 
 
 Hamlet and Laertes spar. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 A hit — 
 
 Laertes. 
 No hit. 
 
 Osrick. 
 A hit, I'll bet a crown. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 A hit or not, 't has almost knock'd him down. 
 
 {Drums, trumpets, and cannon. 
 
 King. 
 
 Give me the beer : this nutmeg is for you. 
 
 {Puts poison into the drink. 
 Hamlet, your health {pretends to drink). You'd better 
 drink some too. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Let's have this round ; when I want drink I'll ask it. 
 
 (They spar again.) 
 
 Egad, I had him there in the bread-basket (m). 
 
•amlet travestie. 67 
 
 
 S>ueen. 
 
 Hamlet, your health ! 
 
 [drinks.') Ha ! this is famous 
 
 stingo ! 
 
 
 Don't drink. 
 
 King. 
 
 I have. 
 
 £>ueen. 
 
 
 King. 
 
 
 The poison'd cup, by jingo ! 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 I'll nab him ; — but it goes against my conscience. 
 
 \_Aside. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 Laertes, you're afraid to hit. 
 
 Laertes. 
 Pooh ! nonsense. 
 
 They spar again — in the scuffle, they exchange gloves — 
 Hamlet knocks Laertes down. — The Queen swoons. 
 
 Osrick. 
 Look to the Queen. (To Laertes) How is't, my lord ? 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 I'm dish'd (n) ; 
 I'm caught as neatly as I could have wish'd. 
 
68 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 How does the Queen ? 
 
 King. 
 
 To see your bloody noses, 
 Her stomach-royal slightly indisposes. 
 
 Queen. 
 
 No, no ; I'm poison'd : your damn'd uncle, here, 
 Has mix'd a deadly poison with the beer. — 
 'Tis now too late — I've had a precious swig — 
 If I'm not a dead woman — dash my wig (o). 
 
 [Dies. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 O, treachery ! I'll smoke it, on my oath. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 O, Hamlet ! 'tis all dickey with us both (j>) ! 
 I promis'd to die game ; but I'll expose 
 That dirty scamp ; for you am I a Nose (q) : 
 You've done my business by a blow, 'tis true ; 
 But I — Oh ! I — have done the same for you. 
 You're mother's poison'd ; — dying, here I lie — 
 The King's to blame — 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Die, damn'd old murd'rer, die. 
 
 {Kills the King. 
 
 Laertes. 
 
 You've serv'd him right. Hamlet, let's square accounts — 
 Tho' there's some little diffrence in amounts — 
 
Hamlet travestie. 69 
 
 Mine, and my father's death, 'gainst your's be rec- 
 
 kon'd— 
 Now then, I'm off. — 
 
 [Dies. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 I'll follow in a second. — 
 You that look pale, and quiver, quirk, and quake, 
 And scarce know what of this sad scene to make — 
 O, I could tell — for there's a great deal in it — 
 I'm dead, — (r) at least, I shall be in a minute — 
 But promise me, before I wish good night, 
 Horatio, that you'll tell my story right. 
 
 Horatio, 
 
 No, I'll die too — here's poison in the cup — 
 I'll play the Roman, and I'll drink it up. 
 
 Hamlet. 
 
 Give me the cup ; you shall not have a drop — 
 
 For here you must a little longer stop. 
 
 If e'er you loved me — live — my tale to tell — 
 
 And then — I care not if you go — to h — 11. — 
 
 That last cross-buttock dish'd me — Oh ! — I can't get 
 
 on — 
 Here goes, Horatio, — ( s ) going ( s ) going ( s ) 
 
 gone. 
 
 [Dies. 
 
 Horatio. 
 
 Well, here's a noble fellow gone to pot ! 
 This altogether's been a pretty plot ! 
 
70 HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
 To see dead bodies strew'd about like cattle, 
 Were better suited to the field of battle 
 Charon, in safety, o'er the Styx will ferry 'em ; 
 And all that we can do now, is — to bury 'em. 
 
 \_A dead march. 
 [The curtain falls. 
 
 THE END OF HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 
 
BURLESQUE 
 
 ANNOTATIONS 
 
 DPON 
 
 Camlet 2Trabestie ; 
 
 AFTER THE MANNER OF 
 
 DR. JOHNSON, 
 
 AND 
 
 GEORGE STEEVENS, ESQ. 
 
 AND THE VARIOUS 
 
 COMMENTATORS. 
 
 Commentators each dark passage shun, 
 
 And hold their farthing candle to the sun. 
 
 Todno. 
 
B tJ R L E S Q_U E 
 
 ANNOTATIONS 
 
 UPON 
 
 HAMLET TRAVESTIE; 
 
 AFTER THE MANNER OF 
 
 DR. JOHNSON, GEORGE STEEVENS AND OTHERS. 
 
 By JOHN POOLE, Esq, 
 
 Reprinted for Private Distribution. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 ACT THE FIRST. 
 
 (a) My eye and Tommy. 
 
 This is rather an obscure phrase. I suspect the 
 author wrote My own to me, and that the passage 
 originally stood thus : 
 
 But I have that without you can't take from me, 
 As my black clothes are all my own to me. 
 
 The whole passage, which before was unintelligible, 
 is, by this slight alteration, rendered perfectly clear ; 
 and may be thus explained : — ' You may disapprove of 
 my outward appearance, but you cannot compel me to 
 alter it, having no controul over that which I wear 
 without; as my black clothes are all my own to me, — 
 /'. e. my own personal property — not borrowed from the 
 
 io 
 
74 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 royal ward-robe, but made expressly for me, and at 
 my own expense.' 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 Here is an elaborate display of ingenuity without 
 accuracy. He that will wantonly sacrifice the sense 
 of his author to a supererogatory refinement, may gain 
 the admiration of the unlearned, and excite the wonder 
 of the ignorant ; but of obtaining the praise of the il- 
 luminated, and the approbation of the erudite, let him 
 despair. 
 
 My eye and Tommy (z. e. fudge) is the true reading ; 
 and the passage, as it stands, is correct. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 In the Ryghte Tragycall Hystorie of Master Thomas 
 Thumbe, bl. let. no date, I find, " 'Tis all my eye and 
 Betty Martin" used in the same sense. If the substitu- 
 tion of " Tommy" for " Betty Martin" be allowed, Dr. 
 Johnson's explanation is just. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (b) — Cheer up — 
 From what follows (No more foul weather)^ it occurs 
 
ANI&TATIONS. 75 
 
 to me that our author intended a perfect and very 
 beautiful metaphor from the weather, which the present 
 reading has totally destroyed : if, instead of cheer up, 
 we read clear up, it will be restored. 
 
 Malone. 
 
 I was for some time of Mr. Malone's opinion ; but 
 a serious reconsideration of the arguments upon which 
 it was founded, has convinced me of its fallacy. Cheer 
 up is so frequently used by the King, as to leave but 
 little doubt of its being one of his Danish Majesty's 
 cant phrases. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (c) — My dear, take my Belcher — 
 
 I question whether Belchers were known in Denmark 
 as early as the time of Hamlet. This is an evident 
 anachronism. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 In a very old bl. let. Detaille ofy« Workes ofy e Loome, 
 I find mention of " Belle-chere, a Kerchief (so 
 called, because of ytts Beautie and of ytts Dearnesse) 
 used only by Folke of Degree." With greater propriety 
 
7° ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 might Dr. Johnson have doubted the existence of Umbrellas 
 in Denmark. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (d) — No quizzing — 
 
 From the verb " to quiz," i. e. to make game. Re- 
 specting the derivation of this verb, our best etymolo- 
 gists are undecided ; and so am I. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (e) — Cheer — 
 
 The folio reads chear. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Mr. Pope is, I think, incorrect. I have consulted, not 
 only all the folios, but also all the quartos, octavos, and 
 duodecimos, extant, and find that they concur in reading 
 cheer. As I consider this a point of too much import- 
 ance to be left in uncertainty, I have been the more 
 careful in my examination of it. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (y) — I'm sitting upon pins and needles — 
 
 I suppose that corking-pins are here intended. I once 
 
 had a very strong reason for this supposition ; but it has 
 
 unfortunately escaped my memory. 
 
 Theobald. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. 77 
 
 The ingenious Mr. Theobald is wrong in his conjecture. 
 
 If a distinction was at all intended, it was certainly in 
 
 'favour of blan&et-pms. In the catalogue of the curious 
 
 and valuable collection of Lord , at , 
 
 article 19,375, is "an antique bronze representing the 
 Genius of Irritability seated upon blanket-pins ;" to which 
 it is probable our author is indebted for his forcible 
 figure, till then I'm sitting upon pins and needles. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 The caprice of conjecture, puerile and impertinent, 
 can only be vanquished by the overwhelming force of 
 fact. Weak, frivolous, and imbecile, I shall dismiss Mr. 
 Theobald without a comment : the puissant lion, exulting 
 in his prowess, and secure in his strength, ranges the 
 desert regardless of the innocuous mouse. Unfortunately 
 for the suggestion of Mr. Steevens, the collection of Lord 
 
 was not formed until long after the death of 
 
 our poet. As a mere illustration of the passage, it may 
 be sufficient to remark, " that sitting upon pins and 
 needles" is to this day used, in the more elegant and the 
 graver sort of compositions, as an expression of impa- 
 tience. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
78 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 Of) — V dad will get it frank'd — 
 
 An ingenious friend has suggested to me, that for get 
 it frank'd we should read frank it. Polonius, it must be 
 remembered, was a privy-counsellor, and consequently 
 enjoyed the privilege of franking ex officio. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Notwithstanding the plausibility of this suggestion, the 
 present reading may be the right one. In a " Tretys 
 offe Fraunckynge," bl. let. 1589, Syr Edouarde Guile is 
 noticed as " destraynt offe hys Fraunckes for divers un- 
 duetyfulle Libertys ynne y e useage thereoffe." pp. 1342-3- 
 As it happened in the time of our author, may not this 
 be a satirical allusion to the circumstance ? 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (h) — A flannel under-petticoat — 
 
 In this last admonition of Laertes to Ophelia, our 
 author doubtless intends a sarcasm on a practice very 
 prevalent in his time, but which has long since become 
 obsolete : I mean the omission of the petticoat as an 
 article of female habiliment. Something similar occurs 
 in a MS. entitled, " Brytchet her Goolden Rules," de- 
 posited in the Museum, dated 1506. — " Albeit 
 
 I graunte y" Kyrtel thyn and slyte ys myghtelie favour- 
 ynge toe a faunciefule dysplaye offe y r fayre shapis, 
 
m ANNOTATIONS. 79 
 
 nonne y c more wo d ytte bee hydden bie y e onder Gaur- 
 mente offe Flaunnyn, and then wds' thou haue where- 
 withall toe deffend thie Lymbes from y e rothlesse Ayr : 
 moreouer thou wds' profyt therebie ynne divers Waies." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (z) — Jack Frost — 
 
 An elegant prosopopoeia of cold. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 Jack Frost is, I believe, a very powerful agent in the 
 Scandinavian mythology. — He is a personage of no little 
 importance in many of the traditionary stories of the 
 north. 
 
 Malone. 
 
 (f) — My watch says twelve — 
 
 Horatio says, 'tis half past eleven at most. That 
 Marcellus's watch indigitates the time more accu- 
 rately than Horatio's, is proved by the appearance of 
 the ghost ; as it is well known that ghosts are never 
 disincarcerated until midnight. 
 
 For a man to wear a good watch, although there be 
 neither a moral obligation nor a physical necessity, — 
 yet he who, disdaining the equivocating offspring of 
 Geneva, carries one whose motions are regulated with 
 
8o 
 
 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 rigid scrupulosity, and whose information is delivered 
 with oracular veracity, deserves praise, and merits com- 
 mendation. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 There is so surprising a display of intellect in this ob- 
 servation, that I shall forbear to question the truth of 
 the position. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 {I)- Rig- 
 
 A row ; a kick-up. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 Rig is not, strictly, a row, but rather a go ; in which 
 sense it is used in another part of this play. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (pi) Tou'd better hold your jaw — 
 
 The folio reads mag; but I adopt jaw (from the 
 quarto) as the more elegant, and as being more in the 
 spirit of our author. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 («) — Paws off- — 
 
 Poetice, — hands off. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. 8 1 
 
 («)— Gab— 
 
 i. e. Mag, or jaw. See the " Slang Dictionary" St. 
 Giles's Edition. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (p) — To blow — 
 
 This word, powerful and expressive, has several signi- 
 fications : its present meaning is to turn nose, to divulge. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (q) That diddled me — 
 
 The true reading I believe to be, " that did me" To 
 do a person is to cheat him. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 Diddled is correct. To do and to diddle mean the 
 
 same. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (r) — Merry Andrew — 
 
 My friend, the glazier, is of opinion that Merry An- 
 drew was a distant relation of Maid Marian's gentle- 
 man-usher, or, as I conceive him to have been, her pa- 
 
 ii 
 
82 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 ramour ;* but a reference to the registers of the Heralds' 
 College, places it beyond all doubt that he was the 
 person represented by the figure which I mistook for 
 Tom the Piper, in my friend's painted window. 
 
 If the public are not yet surfeited with the remarks of 
 myself and the other ingenious commentators on the 
 Old Vice, Maid Marian, the Morris Dancers, &c. &c. &c. 
 I shall republish them in thirteen volumes quarto, with 
 additional observations on Merry Andrew, Little Jack 
 Horner, and the whole of the dramatis persona of the 
 Nursery mythology. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (s) — Whafs the row ? 
 
 I have ventured to restore this from the old copies : 
 in the later ones I find, what now ? 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (i) Needs must — 
 The remainder of this old proverb is preserved in the 
 
 * See Mr. Toilet's Essay on Fools' Caps, or, as he very gravely 
 calls it, his Opinion concerning the Morris-Dancers upon his Window. — 
 Annotations, Hen. IV. Part I. 
 
• ANNOTATIONS. 83 
 
 pathetic ballad of the " Two Loners theyr melancolie 
 Partynge" — Dr. Humbug's Reliques, Vol. 94 : 
 
 " To leve thee here, mie Alys dere, 
 " Fulle sone y e tyme arry veth ; 
 
 " Drie uppe ya l tere, mie Alys dere, 
 " Needs must when the Devil dryveth." 
 
 Rosencrantz means thus : ' We (Guildenstern and my- 
 self) have no alternative ; were we to refuse attendance 
 upon your mere invitation, you could then compel it 
 by the interposition of the royal authority.' 
 
 Malone. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 («) — Non compos mentis. 
 
 The scraps of Latin, which we find scattered through- 
 out our author's works, do not, in my opinion, furnish 
 us with any substantial proof of his acquaintance with 
 the learned languages : for it is certain that Ben Jonson, 
 with whom he was once upon terms of the closest inti- 
 macy, not only furnished him with all the Latin he 
 required, but even translated into English such Latin 
 passages as accidentally came in his way. This is in- 
 controvertibly proved by the following anecdote : — 
 
 " Our poet was god-father to one of Ben Jonson's 
 "children; and, after the christening, being in deep 
 " study, Jonson came to cheer him up, and asked him 
 
86 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 " why he was so melancholy ? — ' No 'faith, Ben,' 
 " says he, ' not I ; but I have been considering a great 
 " while what should be the fittest gift for me to bestow 
 " upon my god-child, and I have resolved at last,' — ' I 
 " pr'ythee what ?' says he. ' I'faith, Ben, I'll give him 
 *' some Latin spondees, and thou shalt trans- 
 " late them." 
 
 The circumstance of his desiring Jonson to translate 
 the Latin spondees is conclusive as to his want of learn- 
 ing, and requires no comment. 
 
 Farmer. 
 
 In support of his favorite hypothesis, Dr. Farmer 
 has produced an anecdote, but (no doubt uninten- 
 tionally) with an egregious mistake. The fact is, that 
 the gift was not some Latin spondees, but a dozen good 
 latten spoons; it being the custom for sponsors at chris- 
 tenings to present spoons to the child : whence the ap- 
 pellation. Nothing more was intended than a quibble, 
 or pun : ' I cannot,' says our poet, ' give them of sil- 
 ver ; but I will give him a dozen spoons of good latten 
 {tinned iron so called) ; and (alluding to Jonson's la- 
 tinity) thou shalt translate them, i. e. thou shalt turn 
 them into silver.' So much for Dr. Farmer's " incon- 
 trovertible proof." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
» ANNOTATIONS. 87 
 
 (b) — He's up to snuff. 
 
 This is highly figurative. To snuff up is to scent. 
 Guildenstern says, 
 
 " he knows well enough 
 
 " The game we're after : 'Zooks, he's up to snuff:" 
 
 that is, he has got scent of the game we are in pursuit 
 of. The metaphor, which is striking and apposite, is 
 borrowed from the Chase. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 Without having recourse to a far-fetched explana- 
 tion, I choose to understand the passage in its common 
 acceptation : The game we're after means nothing more 
 than the trick by which we are endeavouring to worm 
 from him his secret ; but which, as he is up to snuff, i. e. 
 as he is a knowing one, he will, assuredly, render ineffi- 
 cacious. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (c) — I fear he'll bite. 
 
 The late abrupt visit of Hamlet to Ophelia was cer- 
 tainly sufficient to impress her with an idea of his mad- 
 ness, powerful and terrific ; but whether there was 
 any physical cause for her apprehension of a dentifrical 
 
88 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 attack, is not very evident. During the exauctoration 
 of the mental powers, a dog will bite; a cat will claw 
 and expectorate ; a bull, with an impulsion of its head, 
 sudden and violent, will commit the miserable victim of 
 its fury, to the air ; but man, destitute of their weapons, 
 or, possessing them, impotent and ineffective, would do 
 neither ; prudently resorting to the arms with which 
 nature has furnished him, his attack would be either 
 manual or pedestrious. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 This opinion of Dr. Johnson is sanctioned by the 
 authority of one of our later poets : 
 
 " To kick is human, but to bite, canine." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (d) — Recitative (accompanied) and Duett. 
 
 This, and all that follows to the end of the scene, is, 
 in almost all the old copies, (for what reason I know 
 not,) omitted. By restoring it, I remove the languor 
 under which, destitute of a pathetic love-scene, the play 
 has hitherto laboured. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
• ANNOTATIONS. 89 
 
 (e) As one may meet with in a summer's day. 
 
 This is surely no flattering compliment to Horatio : it is 
 branding him, in unequivocal language, with the oppro- 
 brious appellation of a /air-weather friend. Our author 
 meant, and I have no doubt wrote, " in a sombre day ;" 
 a dark, dreary day. 
 
 Theobald. 
 
 I cannot assent to Mr. Theobald's emendation. A 
 summer's day is correct, and is here opposed to a day in 
 winter, not as it is fairer, but as it is longer. The poet's 
 meaning is, ' You are as tight a lad as one may meet 
 with, amongst the vast number of men that it is likely 
 one may encounter, in the course of a summer-day's journey, 
 when the days are at their extreme length, and reckoning 
 from sun-rise to sun-set.' 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 (y) — That's all gammon. 
 
 It is probable that the author intended game, man! 
 By game may be understood fudge, or blarney. When 
 we recollect that many of our author's plays were taken 
 down in writing during the performance, and consider 
 
 12 
 
90 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 that the copyists may have been misled by the indistinct 
 articulation of the actors, the error may be easily ac- 
 counted for. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 The passage, as it stands, is correct, and, to me, ap- 
 pears perfectly intelligible : that's all gammon is equiva- 
 lent to ' that's all my eye.' 
 
 Mr. Pope, not readily understanding the passage, seems 
 willing to plunge it still deeper into an abyss of unintel- 
 ligibility : like him who, deprived of the organs of vision, 
 excludes the light from his chamber, and immerses it 
 in impenetrable tenebrosity, in order that his visitors 
 may partake of, and be involved in, that obscurity, under 
 which he himself is doomed to suffer. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (g) Since I could tell a dray-horse from a poney. 
 
 By this passage we are enabled to form a tolerably 
 accurate idea of the time of the commencement of 
 Hamlet's intimacy with Horatio. Children of a very 
 early age are acquainted with objects only in the general: 
 fo them, the stallion, the gelding, and the mare, the 
 racer, the dray-horse, and the hack, are known only 
 by the general term of horse; it is through the medium 
 
m ANNOTATIONS. g I 
 
 of experience that they learn to distinguish and arrange 
 particulars. Hence it appears, that Hamlet chose Ho- 
 ratio as his friend, when about six years of age — when 
 experience had taught him to " tell a dray-horse from 
 
 a poney." 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 (h) We beg you'll give us grace and time. 
 
 For us, grace, or indulgence; for our pantomime, the 
 time requisite for its performance. 
 
 This exquisite prologue stands unrivalled. Unlike 
 similar compositions of our own times, it neither fa- 
 tigues by a dull and formal prolixity, nor disgusts by 
 a reiteration of hopes, and doubts, and fears, frivolous 
 and unavailing : laconic and forcible, it demands no- 
 thing but that which it is entitled to claim, — time and 
 attention ; wisely considering that a good play can 
 have no foundation more secure than its own merit, and 
 that a whining prologue cannot prejudice a judicious 
 audience in favour of a bad one, whatever is servile or 
 impertinent it properly rejects. Like the Apollo of the 
 Vatican, let this prologue be revered as the master-piece 
 of its art ; whose beauties the meanest artist may imitate, 
 but the most exalted dare not hope to equal. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
0.2 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 This prologue is a very close imitation of the cele- 
 brated prologue to Gonzago and Baptista, which, even 
 in the hands of our author, has been improved in no 
 respect but in brevity : 
 
 " For us, and for our Tragedie, 
 
 " Here, stopeyng to your clemencie, 
 
 " We beg your hereyng patientlie." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (/)— THE PANTOMIME. 
 
 Some of the later editions have it, " The Melo- 
 Drama ;" but it is evidently an alteration of some mo- 
 dern editor, emanating from incogitancy. The melo- 
 drama, which was neither tragedy, nor comedy, nor 
 opera, nor farce, nor pantomime, but a barbarous and 
 an unnatural combination of all, was unknown in the 
 time of our poet : the climax of theatrical licentiousness, 
 
 it remained to be introduced in the reign of , 
 
 when our stage had arrived at a state the most abject 
 and degraded. We, who live in an age when the theatre 
 
 is dignified and adorned by a K and a S , with 
 
 a copious range of drama for the display of their exalted 
 talents, have but little cause to fear the re-admission 
 of this monstrous abortion of dramatic libertinism ; 
 
m ANNOTATIONS. 93 
 
 that it would be tolerated by an audience, sensible and 
 judicious, it were absurd to suppose. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 {k)—Row— 
 A breeze ; a kick-up. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 I find this word used, in the same sense, in an old 
 ballad, (which, no doubt, was within our author's know- 
 ledge,) called Molle in y' Wadde. bl. let. 1564: 
 
 " Molle in y c Wadde and I felle outte, 
 
 " And what doe you thinke it was aboutte ? 
 
 " She wanted monnei — I had nonne, 
 
 " And that's y c waie y e row begun." [began] 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (/) 'Jump o'er a broomstick — 
 
 We might, with more propriety, read mop-stick ; but, 
 as I do not approve of alterations unsupported by au- 
 thority, or of emendations, captious and arbitrary, I leave 
 the text as I found it. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
94 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 Broomstick is certainly right. The allusion is to an 
 antient custom noticed in ^uiz'em's Chronicles, printed 
 by Stephen Typpe, at the Sign of the Catte and Fiddelle, 
 London, 1598, bl. let. and entered in the books of the 
 Stationers' Company, November 1598. 
 
 " And y e Bryde and y e Brydegroome, not 
 
 " handyely fyndeing a Parson, and being in grievous 
 " hayst to bee wed ; they did take a Broome-stych, and 
 " they did jumpe from one syde of y e Broome-stycke over 
 " to y e other syde thereof ; and haveing so done, they 
 " did thinke them lawfulle Man and Wyffe." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 ACT THE THIRD. 
 
 (a) Mad as butter in the sun. 
 
 Amongst the popular superstitions is one, that 
 butter is mad twice a year ; viz. in summer, when its 
 liquability renders it tenable only in a spoon ; and, in 
 winter, when, no longer intenerate, by its inflexible 
 viscosity, it obstinately resists the knife. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (b) Thou'lt sweetly tickle this young Jockey's mutton. 
 
 The quarto reads, and, I think, properly, pickle. 
 
 Pope. 
 
96 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 I have restored tickle from the folio. In rejecting 
 pickle, I am supported by the context : for, who ever 
 heard of pickled mutton ? As a further proof, if (in 
 support of a point established in reason, and beyond 
 the reach of controversy) further proof be necessary, 
 let me produce the adverbial epithet sweetly ; for that 
 which is pickled is never sweet, as the distinguishing 
 property of a pickle is its power of extimulating on the 
 palate a sensation of acidity. 
 
 To tickle one's mutton is a popular expression ; and 
 means, to punish by flagellation. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 Dr. Johnson may be right : for in no one of the nu- 
 merous Works upon Cookery, either antient or modern, 
 which I have referred to, do I find the slightest mention 
 of pickled mutton. 
 
 My inquiries into this important subject, though 
 equally diligent in the prosecution, have been less suc- 
 cessful in the result, than my investigation of that more 
 delicate topic — stewed prunes ; which, I flatter my- 
 self, I have (in another place*) so fully, and so satis- 
 factorily, discussed, as to set all further question upon 
 the matter at rest. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 * See Note upon " stewed prunes." Hen. IV. Part I, 
 
9 ANNOTATIONS. 97 
 
 (c) — Peggy Tomkins — 
 
 Some of the modern editions read Peggy Perkins : but 
 as the change was, most likely, unauthorised, and made 
 merely for the sake of the alliteration, I follow the old 
 copies. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 (d) My coach — three thirty-five — 
 
 This is an exquisite touch of nature. Ophelia is now 
 wavering between sense and insanity : she calls, first, for 
 one coach ; and then for three hundred and thirty-five 
 coaches. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 This I allow to be an exquisite touch of nature : 
 but, by the illustration which the Right Reverend has 
 attempted, its force is obstructed, and its beauty ob- 
 scured. Three thirty-five is, evidently, the number of 
 the hackney-coach which brought Ophelia to the 
 palace. Here the poet has given an instance of his 
 unbounded knowledge of human nature. In a short 
 
 13 
 
0,8 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 interval of lucidity Ophelia calls for her coach ; and 
 then, regardless of the presence of the " Majesty of 
 Denmark," she calls for it by its number, 335. This 
 is madness pathetic and interesting : had she, as Dr. 
 Warburton erroneously supposes, called for three hun- 
 dred and thirty-five coaches, it would have been a re- 
 presentation of madness too terrific for exhibition on 
 the stage. Madness is agreeable only until it becomes 
 outrageous. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (e) — Blarney — 
 
 A word of doubtful etymology, synonimous with 
 gammon. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 Again : 
 
 " None of your blarney ; it won't do to-night." 
 
 Act II. Scene III. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
m ANNOTATIONS. 99 
 
 (f) — Rope of onions — 
 
 I do not understand this. May we not, with 
 greater propriety, read, a robe of onions? ;. e. a 
 fantastical garment ornamented with onions, in the same 
 way as the dominos of masqueraders are sometimes 
 studded with gingerbread-nuts — a dress such as Ophe- 
 lia's phrensy might naturally suggest to her. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Rope is, undoubtedly, the true reading. A rope of 
 onions is a certain number of onions, which, for the 
 convenience of portability, are, by the market-women, 
 suspended from a rope : not, as the Oxford editor 
 ingeniously, but improperly, supposes, in a bunch at the 
 end, but by a perpendicular arrangement. 
 
 For the hints afforded me in the formation of this note, 
 and for those contained in the note upon pickled mutton, 
 I am indebted to a lady celebrated at once for her literary 
 acquirements and her culinary accomplishments. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 To bring a rope of onions, &c. 
 
 Let us suppose that Ophelia addresses this to the king, 
 and we shall discover a peculiar propriety in its applica- 
 
100 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 tion. The king is represented as an intemperate drinker 
 — Ophelia, who, doubtless has some skill in uroscopy, 
 applies this speech to the king, with reference to the 
 diuertic quality of onions. — Verbum sapienti. 
 
 Should the concise manner in which I treat this 
 subject expose me to the charge either of fastidious 
 brevity or of delicacy of expression squeamishly refined, 
 I trust that my celebrated note upon potatoes* (wherein 
 I have so clearly and so minutely explained the various 
 qualities of that invaluable plant) will be received in 
 refutation, and that it will convince the world that I 
 want neither talent nor inclination to indulge in prurient 
 description. 
 
 Collins. 
 
 (g) — Mill him. 
 
 To mill is to whack, or to thump. See the Slang 
 Dictionary, St. Giles's Edition. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 The Billingsgate edition of the Slang Dictionary, which, 
 in point of accuracy, I conceive to be the least excep- 
 tionable, explains it, to knuckle, or, to lather. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 *See note upon "potatoes" and the useful and entertaining extract 
 from Gerard's Herbal. Troilus and Cressida, Act IV". 
 
• ANNOTATIONS. 101 
 
 (h) — We're bewitch' d, 'tis plain. 
 
 Hamlet's meaning appears to me to be this : ' I know 
 not how to account for the succession of calamities which 
 has befallen us, otherwise than by supposing that we 
 labour under the malevolent influence of witchcraft.' 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (i) — Towzer. 
 
 Probably the name of the royal watch-dog. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (&) Anon he's patient as a hungry mouser. 
 
 This passage is incorrect. I cannot believe that 
 patience is characteristic of a hungry animal. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 The difficulty of this passage will be solved by sup- 
 plying an apostrophe, which, doubtless, was intended 
 to mark the elision of the a in hungry ; and by substi- 
 tuting a capital H for a small one. 
 
 We must understand a Hungary (for Hungarian) 
 mouser. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
102 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 This emendation is so ingenious that I am sorry it is 
 not just : for the passage, in its present state is not only 
 correct, but eminently beautiful. The Queen compares 
 the patience of Hamlet to that which, after a long 
 privation from food, is exhibited by a mouser whilst 
 watching for its prey. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 There is yet a beauty which Dr. Johnson has passed 
 without notice. The Queen not only compares Ham- 
 let's occasional patience to that of a hungry mouser, 
 but, at the same time, contrasts it with his paroxysms 
 of ferocity, resembling the growlings of a watch-dog : 
 whence it is common to say of two persons who live 
 discordantly, that " they agree like cat and dog." 
 
 It may not be altogether uninteresting to the curious 
 reader, to know that a mouser is a cat which is trained 
 up for the purpose of killing rats as well as mice. So 
 in Chaucer's Romaunt de la rose, ver. 6204 : 
 
 -Gibbe, our cat, 
 
 'That waiteth mice and rats to killen." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
• ANNOTATIONS. IO3 
 
 (/) The trumpet's tantarara, post, shall set off- — 
 
 Either this passage is in itself a nonsensical rhapsody, 
 
 or, partly through the caprice and partly through the 
 
 negligence of successive editors, it has been corrupted. 
 
 By substituting a hyphen for the comma, between 
 
 tantarara and post, we obtain a faint glimmering of its 
 
 meaning ; and even then it remains to discover what is 
 
 meant by a tantarara-post. 
 
 Theobald. 
 
 The punctuation of this passage requires no altera- 
 tion. Tantarara is a word imitative of the note of the 
 trumpet, as tattoo is of the beat of the drum. The 
 trumpet's tantarara, post, shall set off, means the tanta- 
 rara of the trumpet shall set off after (post) the loud 
 
 tattoo of the drum. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 Dr. Warburton has very far exceeded Mr. Theobald 
 in his approaches towards the sense of this difficult 
 passage ; yet he has not quite hit the mark. Our poet, 
 doubtless, intended, the trumpet's tantarara, post (i. e. 
 post-haste), shall set off, which is more poetical and 
 much finer than it is rendered by Dr. Warburton's 
 common-place explanation of post. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
104 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 Sir John Hawkins is of opinion that tan-ta-ra-ra is 
 not exactly imitative of the note of the trumpet, which 
 is tan-ta-ra-ra-ra ; but Dr. Burney assures me that it 
 was not until about the middle of the seventeenth century 
 that this innovation in trumpetology was known, when it 
 was introduced by one Hans Von PufFenblowenschwartz, 
 trumpeter to the gallant Prince Rupert. Of this our 
 author could not possibly have had any knowledge. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (m) — Bread-basket. 
 
 This is poetical. Hamlet strikes Laertes in the sto- 
 mach : the stomach being the depository for food (the 
 pantry, as it were, of the human frame), it is metapho- 
 rically termed the bread-basket. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 (») — I'm dish'd — 
 
 In culinary language, " to be dished" is to be served 
 up : but, by a licentia poetica, " I'm dish'd" is here used 
 for I'm served out. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 So in another part of this play : 
 
 " That last cross-buttock dish'd me." 
 
 Malone. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. IO5 
 
 (0) — Dash my wig. 
 
 If I might hazard a conjecture upon this, I should 
 suppose that the Queen of Denmark wore a wig. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Saxo-Grammaticus, Olaus Wormius, and all the old 
 Danish writers, concur in stating that the Queen of 
 Denmark wore a wig. As to its colour they are all 
 silent ; but they are at considerable variance respecting 
 its shape : for, whilst some declare it to have been a 
 Brutus, others as confidently assert that it was a Per- 
 ruque a la Greque. I have consulted one hundred and 
 fourteen controversial tracts, (bl. let.) expressly upon 
 the subject, and am still at a loss which side of the 
 question to espouse. I shall, however, resume the in- 
 quiry, and communicate the result of my laborious re- 
 searches to the literary world. 
 
 Steevens. 
 
 Whether the Queen of Denmark wore a Brutus or a 
 Perruque a la Greque is a question which, at this dis- 
 tance of time, to determine were difficult, and which, 
 if determined, would tend only to the gratification of 
 
 H 
 
Io6 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 an idle and impertinent curiosity ; while the time 
 bestowed upon the inquiry might be more usefully, 
 more advantageously, and more beneficially, employed 
 in improving the wigs which are worn by co-tempora- 
 neous heads, or in anticipating improvements for those 
 which may be, hereafter, displayed on the heads of 
 posterity. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (p) — 'Tis all Dickey with us both. 
 
 The meaning of this is, the game is up with us ; or, 
 we have gone the length of our tether. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 So in an old ballad called Gabriel Gubbyns hys Lamen- 
 tation, bl. let. 1602 : 
 
 " No more Larke I trowe, 
 " ' Tis all Dyckye nowe, 
 
 " For I shall bee hangyt for coynynge." 
 
 Steevens. 
 
ANNOTATIONS. IO7 
 
 (q) I promised to die game ; but I'll expose 
 That dirty scamp ; for you am I a nose. 
 
 Nose, or nosey, is a term of reproach applied to one 
 who impeaches his comrades for an offence, in the com- 
 mission of which he has been concerned. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 This speech is deservedly celebrated for its admirable 
 pathos. Laertes, at the point of death, feels his former 
 friendship for Hamlet returning upon him, in its fullest 
 force: 'I promised,' says he, '■to die game ; but, though I 
 have forfeited my honour, by exposing that dirty scamp, 
 (the iing,) do not you, Hamlet, despise me for my 
 baseness ; consider, it is for your sake that I am forsworn 
 — -for you am I a nose' Who, that has a heart alive to the 
 soft touch of sensibility, can read this tender address 
 without emotion ? — " For you am I a nose." How ele- 
 gantly refined ! how exquisitely pathetic ! 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 This is a noble emendation, which almost sets the 
 critic on a level with the author. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
108 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 (r) Fm dead — at least I shall be in a minute. 
 
 Thus the folio. The quarto reads, 
 
 I'm dead at last — or shall be in a minute. 
 
 Pope. 
 
 We might, without much violence, read and point 
 thus : 
 
 I'm dead : at rest I shall be in a minute. 
 
 By at rest is meant buried. 
 
 Warburton. 
 
 What authority Dr. Warburton has for this alteration 
 I know not : and I am equally ignorant of his reasons 
 for so unequivocally asserting, that at rest means buried. 
 Surely, when once the principle of vitality has quitted 
 his frame, a man is as much at rest above ground as 
 under. So feebly is he armed, that, in the present 
 instance, I consider the reverend critic as an unequal 
 adversary, and, therefore, scorn to meet him within the 
 lists of controversy. Impotency demands our pity ; but, 
 when it affects Herculean muscularity, it but provokes 
 
• ANNOTATIONS. IOO. 
 
 our contempt. We disdain to punish, but we are bound 
 to expose. Were the proposed reading admitted, we 
 should make Hamlet positively announce his own death, 
 and afterwards advert to his own funeral. But of this 
 too much. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 (,„) _ 
 
 To a literary friend of mine I am indebted for the 
 following very acute observation : " Throughout this 
 " play," says he, " there is nothing more beautiful than 
 " these dashes : by their gradual elongation, they dis- 
 " tinctly mark the balbucination and the increasing 
 " difficulty of utterance observable in a dying man." 
 To which let me add, that, although dashes are in fre- 
 quent use with our tragic poets, yet are they seldom 
 introduced with so good an effect as in the present 
 instance. 
 
 Johnson. 
 
 the END. 
 
Galabin and Merchant, Printers, 
 Ingram- Court, London. 
 
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