Tfe UPS and DOWNS 
 
 of a MAIL ORDER 
 
 ASPIRANT 
 
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 Hntt ffloUege of Agrirulture 
 Kt CSfamell Hmuersitg 
 
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Cornell University Library 
 HF 5466.B53 
 
 The ups and downs of a mail order aspira 
 
 3 1924 013 885 482 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013885482 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A 
 MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 Described in a Series of Ten Letters, Written by Andrew 
 Morton, a Young Mail Order Aspirant, to \His 
 
 Father on the Old Farm 
 
 
 "The Ups and Downs of a Mail Order Aspirant" consisting of a series 
 of ten long, interesting and instructive letters, pictured true to life, 
 yet not lacking the humor of the situation, written by Andrew 
 Morton, who, like many thousand others was working on a 
 small salary, fell a victim to the "stock catalog" promoters 
 and having' the old folks at home to draw upon, sunk hun- 
 dreds of dollars in an attempt to build up a substantial 
 business. He tells in his way, how he invested in outfits 
 and schemes, and how each and every one of them 
 turned out. Almost every letter winds up with the 
 assurance that he will now "surely" win out 
 — if only another remittance is forthcom- 
 ing. But at the end he wins out. 
 
 There is a moral in this series of letters, and Mr. Morton — once a 
 farmer, but now a successful business man, indicates that success 
 in Mail Order Business can be acquired only by keeping away 
 from stock catalog outfits, stock schemes and misleading meth- 
 ods. He won out because he was persistent, because he would 
 not allow adversities to down him. He possessed, 
 "stick-to-it-iveness" in a high degree. 
 
 PRICE ONE DOLLAR 
 

 (^ >i H' {^ (} 
 
 Published in igo8 
 by THE MAIL ORDER NEWS of New York 
 Copyright 1908 by the Mail Order Newt 
 
FIRST LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: 
 
 Undoubtedly you have been wondering, and mother 
 has been worrying, as to why you did not hear from your 
 wandering boy — the kid that strayed away from turnip 
 fields and corn husks to find for himself a foothold in the 
 city. Well, I haven't been swallowed up in this giddy 
 whirl of dissipation — perhaps because the munificent sal- 
 ary which I am paid for standing behind the counter 
 measuring off yards of dress linings would not permit 
 me to enter it. 
 
 I suppose mother has been worrying about my health, 
 but I want to assure you that I have not been sick, but I 
 have been, and still am, very ambitious; — scheming 
 would be a better word. Scheming and planning to make a 
 lot of money so that I can come back and add to father's 
 somewhat scanty acres, the rich, fertile meadows which 
 he has coveted ever since I was old enough to notice the 
 longing eyes he cast upon it — and mother, rich enough 
 to build just such a house as you want. And I liave started 
 in the business of making money so you may begin at 
 once to plan just what kind of a house you will have, foi' 
 it will be yours, just as you want it to be, even to the 
 tiniest dot of a window or the biggest closet. 
 
 But aren't you both just burning with curiosity to 
 know all about it? It's a sure thing, is this future wealth. 
 The plan cannt fail, only, father, I am going to ask just a 
 little help from you, whfch I know you'll not refuse for I 
 shall be able to hand it back DOUBLED. That's better 
 interest than the old mortgage holder squeezed out of you, 
 isn't it? Father, I want you to send me $50 and within 
 a month after I am fairly under way, you'll'get it back with 
 an extra fifty. PLEASE don't refuse or delay, as it means 
 so much to me — and to you both. The truth is, I have 
 started a "mail order business'' which I conduct in the 
 evenings. My office is the dingy hall bedroom on the fourth 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 floor of a cheap boarding house, which I call "home." 
 You see, I am only earning $9 a week and the cheapest 
 board I could get was $5.50 weekly, but say! — this board 
 is enough to make a fellow homesick! But don't think I 
 have intentions of returning to the potato patch, for I am 
 going to push ahead and Stick it out. 
 
 Now, about my "mail order business.'' You see, I've 
 been doing a good deal of watching and thinking since I 
 landed in the city and I have made very few friends be- 
 cause I don't go out evenings. I have seen fellows that were 
 hard and honest workers, who have grown old in the 
 service of their employers, but the highest wages they 
 ever got was from $15 to $25 weekly. Some of these men 
 are married and $25 a week in New York does'nt mean 
 anything because everything is so high. You have to dress 
 well or lose your position, you've got to pay $35 or $40 
 a month for a flat if you want to bring up your children 
 in a healthy and respectable neighborhood — and these flats 
 do not contain more floor space than mother's kitchen and 
 pantry. I couldn't see a way out of this and did not like 
 the idea of going back to the farm, so one evening while 
 I sat shivering in my little room, wrapped up in my over- 
 coat and the dirty old comforter which I had wrapped 
 around my legs for warmth, I came across an advertise- 
 ment in a newspaper I was reading. As near as I can re- 
 member it, it was worded like this: 
 
 BE INDEPENDENT. — Start a Mail Order Business in your own 
 home. We tell you how and furnish everything needed. Part- 
 iculars free. Many make $3,000 a year. 
 
 Gee, but that got me a going! So I jumped up, hast- 
 ily put on my coat, ran down to the corner druggist and 
 bought a postal which I hastily dispatched to that firm, 
 requesting full particulars. Well, in about three days, I 
 received a reply. And a big lot of printed matter did they 
 send me — it took over two hours to read it all through. 
 The plan seemed good to me and I sat up that evening 
 for hours thinking and planning, until I didn't dare sit up 
 any longer and burn any more of my landlady's precious 
 old gas, for I tell you she watches her boarders' keyholes 
 and the cracks in their doors every night, and knows to a 
 minute just when they turn off the miserable old light she 
 allows. I tumbled into bed, but not to sleep. I tossed 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 and planned and when morning came I was still "study- 
 ing." I wasn't much good behind the counter that day, I 
 tell you. The floorwalker gave me an awful calling down 
 before I dropped down to business. 
 
 That evening I re-read the matter this firm sent me. 
 "Why work for others" when you can be your own boss? 
 was the heading of one of their circulars. I knew mighty 
 well why I was working for others^t was because I did- 
 n't have the capital to work for myself. Then they said 
 a good deal about some big firms worth millions of dol- 
 lars who started small — some with less than ten dollars, 
 and then they explained how they would furnish me with 
 ready printed catalogs, and would print my name on the 
 bottom instead of theirs, and how they would furnish me 
 with letterheads and envelopes, all with my name on, 
 for very little money. They would prepare an adver- 
 tisement for me and would run it in a few newspapers and 
 magazines, and how, when orders arrive, 1 would deduct 
 my profit and send them the cost of the goods, and they 
 would at once fill the order, putting my name on the 
 package instead of theirs. That seemed very good, and 
 then the prices of the outfit! They could start me with 
 $10, $25, $3S and more, and of course the more you paid 
 down the more you received, and the easier it was to get 
 started. They said that I should keep my position and 
 conduct the business in my spare time. I thought this was 
 a nice honest suggestion, so I made up my mind that I 
 would send for an outfit at once. From my scanty wages 
 I had saved up twenty dollars and then I still had the 
 $25 which Uncle Ben gave me when I started from home. 
 He said to never touch it unless it was a case of emer- 
 gency. Well, I considered this an emergency case, so I 
 sent for a $35 outfit, thus leaving me about $10 in cash. 
 They acknowledged receipt of the money which I cau- 
 tiously sent by registered mail, and they said that the out- 
 fit would be ready in about a week, for me in the mean- 
 time to address envelopes to a good list of names which 
 they would furnish me and as soon as I would receive 
 the catalogs I could put a penny stamp on the envelope 
 and mail them out without loss of time. So I sent them 
 some money for a list of names and asked them to rush 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 the envelopes right away. This they did, and for the next 
 few evenings I was busy addressing envelopes, all the while 
 happy in the thought of at last having found a business for 
 which I was fitted — a business that would enable me to 
 work my way up in this world — a business that would 
 bring me a fortune. 
 
 The other day the catalogs and other printed matter 
 arrived. The expressage on it was nearly $3 and this, too, 
 made another hole in my capital. But say, the catalogs 
 look fine! I am sending you one today. Won't you be 
 proud to see a catalog that pictures and describes so many 
 funny toys anjj novelties, and with your farmer boy's 
 name on it as general manager and proprietor? " 
 
 Of course, some of the prices are pretty steep for 
 the goods, but this concern ought to know what prices 
 farmers and others will pay, and the more they charge, 
 the larger is my profit. I sent out 500 of the catalogs 
 this evening, and addressing so many envelopes every 
 evening until the 500 mark was reached, nearly gave me 
 writers' cramps, because I was not used to it. But I 
 did it with pleasure, knowing that in about a week I shall 
 be kept pretty busy opening letters containing nice orders. 
 My, won't that be fun, to make money so easily, especially 
 for a fellow like me who has to be on his feet from 8 A. 
 M. to 6 P. M., every day, and under the eyes of cranky 
 floorwalkers? My advertisements will appear in some of 
 the papers in a few days, and father, I have already in- 
 vested every penny I had in buying stamps, and other 
 urgent office necessities. I have even sunk this week's 
 wages into it, and have not a penny to pay for next 
 week's board which I must pay to-morrow night. I sorely 
 need about $50 and need it at once. A concern in Chicago 
 wrote me yesterday offering to furnish a scheme for $10 
 by which I could add thousands of dollars to my income 
 in connection with this mail order business, and they 
 submit references, so I think they are all right. They say 
 that only about $25 will be necessary to put it into opera- 
 tion and that they would guarantee results. So you see, 
 that would make $35, and then I shall need money to send 
 out my other catalogs as soon as inquiries arrive from my 
 
 6 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 advertisements, and I shall also need about $25 to do some 
 advertising in the big mail order papers, where all the big 
 mail order houses advertise. Figuring on some of the profits 
 that I will derive from the catalogs I sent out yesterday 
 and from the few dollars I shall be able to spare out ot 
 my salary, I will be able to manage it all, if you only send 
 me that fifty dollars right away. Please do not delay. 
 Until you send it, I shall have to keep out of the land- 
 lady's reach as she has a look on her face that is enough 
 to spoil the appetite of any delinquent boarder, and it will 
 be another week before I get my salary again. I will not 
 give up my position for the present, but I am going to re- 
 invest all the profits I make in the mail order business, 
 and keep turning it over and over, and also add the few 
 dollars that I can spare out of my salary every week until 
 I can see my way clear to making all the money we want. 
 And then I shall invite both of you down to spend a week 
 with me — not in this wretched old boarding house and 
 the landlady with the "ten-weeks-of-rain" sort of expres- 
 sion, but at the swellest hotel in town— the Waldof Astoria. 
 I shall take you out on an automobile tour to see the town, 
 and I shall take mother to a large and modern furniture 
 house so she can select the choicest of furniture for the 
 new house I shall build you. You know the furniture they 
 sell up at Midgeville is entirely too old fashioned. Don't 
 think that I am painting rainbows or building air-castles, 
 because the firm that is assisting me have given instances 
 where others started with less money than I did and they 
 ALL made fortunes in a few years. None of them had 
 any more education than I have had, and most of them 
 were, like me, farmer's boys. The firm speaks so en- 
 couragingly and frankly, and they come forward with the 
 convincing argument that they cannot make money unless 
 I do, that I cannot help having faith in them, no indeed, 
 I expect to do a good deal better than what I say in this 
 
 letter. And but I must cut my already long letter 
 
 short as I hear footsteps in the hall. Will have to turn 
 the light out until this nemesis of a landlady disappears. 
 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
SECOND LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: — 
 
 Your kind letter with money order for fifty dollars 
 was received about three weeks ago and as promised, I am 
 writing you another long letter this month so that you 
 may know how I am progressing. First of all, I want to 
 thank you, father, for sending me the fifty dollars. I 
 know it is a little hard on you, but then, you realize how 
 much there is at stake. I have carefully read your letter 
 warning me against "gold brick" advertisers and saying 
 that I should swallow the statements of the people who 
 are starting me, "with a pinch of salt." Well, father, I 
 appreciate your words of advice, but you do not seem 
 to be aware of the fact that the people I am doing busi- 
 ness with, are recommended by the big banks, mercantile 
 agencies and express companies. One firm actually sub- 
 mitted a reference from the police captain of his town. 
 And, I am here in a big city where I can keep myself 
 posted, so you rest at ease, father, that I shall not be 
 taken in by any faker or swindler. 
 
 Now to give an account of myself. Our firm took 
 stock (inventory) last month and I had to work evenings 
 for nearly two weeks, so I have been compelled to ne- 
 glect my mail order business. My first advertising venture 
 was not very successful but I attribute this to the fact that 
 the papers in which my advertisement was placed carried 
 a large number of ads. very similar to mine. They all 
 read alike excepting the address, and so I learned that it 
 is far safer to go to an advertising agency, have them write 
 up an advertisement and place them for me in good 
 papers. Then, I am not at ill sure but that some one is 
 pilfering my mail. You see, I leave the house before the 
 postman comes around and when I get home in the even- 
 ings I am too late for the last delivery, so I have to depend 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 upon that grand old landlady of mine to take care of my 
 mail. I am receiving lots of mail every day, but very 
 few orders so far. Most of the mail is from publishers 
 who ask me to advertise in their papers. Perhaps it is too 
 soon to expect replies from customers, but I have not 
 given up hope and I am not losing courage by any means. 
 The boss at the store has a little card tacked up on his 
 office door and it says: "Great Oaks from little Acorns 
 grow — Perseverance wins every time." I have taken that 
 to heart and intend to persevere. 
 
 All in all, I have received $1.05 in orders from the 
 first 500 catalogues sent out. Of these, three were ten 
 cent orders, and by the time that I acknowledged the 
 order, and then sent the orders with the wholesale price 
 and postage to the supply house, to be filled I found that 
 I had lost two cents on the transaction, but you see, we 
 must give these small orders careful attention as the good 
 will of the customer is worth a lot of money. The other 
 order was for a 75 cent article on which I made 20 cents, 
 but sorry to say, the supply house must have made a 
 mistake as the customer wrote today requesting that I 
 return the money as the article was not at all as repre- 
 sented in the catalogue. You see, father, I have not seen 
 these goods and all I know of them is from the descrip- 
 tion in the catalogue, but I think the supply house made 
 a mistake and I have written to them today to look into 
 this for me. Hereafter, I shall have the goods sent to me 
 first and will then mail them to the customer. It will 
 take a few days more, but I shall have the satisfaction 
 of knowing that my customers receive just what they 
 asked for. 
 
 I sent ten dollars to that Chicago party who offered 
 me a scheme for making money with my catalogues and 
 I do believe that I am on the right trail now. The scheme 
 consists in appointing a little girl my agent in every town 
 and in larger places to appoint two or three in different 
 sections, and to supply them with a few copies of my 
 catalogues so that they can visit all their friends and 
 neighbors and take orders for me. They are to say that 
 the "firm" will turn over (through the agent) five per 
 cent, of the amount for the poor of the town, and that the 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 agent for her service receives lo per cent, of the gross 
 amount. When they take an order, they are to send it to 
 me with the cash, and when the order is filled, I am to 
 include a catalogue with the order and to offer the cus- 
 tomer a nice present as soon as her orders amount to over 
 ten dollars, telling her at the same time that five, per cent, 
 of the amount would be turned over for the poor, through 
 our agent. To put the plan in operation I had to spend 
 nearly $io on printed matter explaining the scheme and 
 $15 on advertising. I placed the order through an adver- 
 tising agency the other day and next Sunday the ad. will 
 appear in the Help Wanted columns of 30 large news- 
 papers. I think favorably of the scheme and will let you 
 know how it works, in my next letter. You know, father, 
 this will be a worthy project and will appeal to the people. 
 The Chicago firm writes me that a San Francisco mail 
 order man increased his business 100 per cent, with this 
 scheme. 
 
 Here is the most important part of my letter, father, 
 and I ask that you read it carefully so that you will fully 
 understand my situation. When I started in this mail 
 order business, I found that my hall bed room would be 
 too small. You see, there was just room for the bed, one 
 chair, an old dresser and a wash-stand. Everytime I wrote 
 a letter I had to take the pitcher and bowl off the wash- 
 stand and place it on the floor. In getting up, if I made 
 one wrong move, I would step into the bowl and break 
 it, or I would fall over the pitcher and spill the water all 
 over the place and have the "misses'' come up raising the 
 old Harry. My catalogues I had to keep under the bed 
 and in lieu of a table, I had to do my folding and wrap- 
 ping on the bed. So I had a talk with the landlady and 
 she offered me a much larger room for one dollar extra 
 a week. This room has two windows, and a table, al- 
 though the furnishings are rather "on the hog.'' At home 
 we have better things up in the garret discarded by 
 mother. Well, I rented the room and moved in last week. 
 Then I invested five dollars for a second hand desk and 
 now I have quite an "office." As soon as I can aflford it I 
 shall have a photograph taken of it, so that when I am the 
 owner of a big mail order business and in my own build- 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 ing I shall be able to show my customers how- 1 started. 
 You know, father, all the big firms do that. This takes an 
 .extra dollar every week out of my salary. Then I was 
 sorely in need of a suit of clothes and that took another 
 ten dollars of my money. Next week I shall have to invest 
 three dollars for a pair of shoes. All these minor expenses 
 eat up every penny of my salary and give me no opportun- 
 ity of nourishing my mail order business. I recently sent 
 three dollars to a party who made $50,000 in five years out 
 of the business and only started with five dollars. He 
 sent me a book of instructions containing a number of 
 plans. I don't care much for the plans, as they do not fit 
 my position. They are more for a chap in the coun- 
 try; but what does appeal to me is a "trust scheme" or 
 popular premium plan that he recommends. You simply 
 send goods to children for them to sell and when they 
 send you the money they receive for the goods, you send 
 them a premium. The goods cost about one cent each 
 and the children are to sell them for ten cents a piece. The 
 premium costs about 75 cents, so I make a dollar clear 
 out of every two dollar order. As it is easy to receive 
 such orders, I can figure that on only five orders a day, 
 I would be making over twenty-five dollars a week. You 
 remember, father, when little Frankie Stetson called at 
 the house and asked us to give him a dime for a stick- 
 pin? He told us he was getting a premium for selling a 
 certain niimber of the pins and we could not refuse him. 
 Well, this is the same scheme, and I hear that some of 
 these firms made fortunes at it. This party who made 
 $50,000 recommended a certain firm to me, who would 
 furnish me with an outfit so that I can immediately begin 
 a trust scheme, and I find that at the very lowest esti- 
 mate I shall require twenty-five dollars. Honest, father, 
 it was my intention to ask for another fifty, but I have not 
 the heart to ask for that much, although I could make 
 very good use of it and realize a greater percentage 
 of profit, but if you cannot see your way clear to send me 
 that much, please send me twenty-five dollars and I pro- 
 mise that I will pay this and the other fifty together with 
 good interest within a very short time. I want to make 
 a success of this business, and can now understand that it 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 is only the lack of capital that stands between me and 
 fortune. I am working hard all day and have to submit 
 to a good many abuses on the part of the floorwalker and 
 the buying public who treat the clerks as inferior be- 
 ings and you will know that I do not shirk work. I am 
 willing to work day and night to make a success of the 
 mail order business, and between the plan of the Chicago 
 firm and the trust scheme, I am confident that I will win 
 out and that I shall be able to do everything that I 
 promised in my first letter. 
 
 Please give my love to mother, and send me a re- 
 mittance at earliest convenience. I will write you again 
 next month and know that I shall be able to send you a 
 glowing account of my success. 
 
 Would write you more now, and wanted to inquire 
 about some of my old chums, but the oil in my lamp has 
 given out and I am finishing this letter by the aid of a 
 piece of candle which I use in case of such an emergency. 
 To-morrow I shall have to listen to a lecture from the 
 landlady in regard to the amount of oil I use. Such is 
 life in a third class New York boarding house! 
 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
THIRD LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: — 
 
 I have been hustling so hard evenings the past few 
 weeks studying some new plans for Mail Order business 
 that I have been unable to do much else. Honest, father, 
 I have gained a big lot by my efforts to establish myself 
 in this line of business and the time is drawing nearer and 
 nearer when you and mother will be spinning about in 
 one of those red automobiles. Maybe mother won't feel 
 proud then of her Andy's success. Seems to me father 
 that whenever I pass one of the large mail order houses 
 in this city on my way to work in the morning, and see 
 the mail pouches delivered there by the score, brimful with 
 orders, I feel a kind of swelling within me and I fancy I 
 hear someone whispering, "Push on boy, what they have 
 done, you can do too." Of course I don't look to get up 
 to their level, but why shouldn't I make a success of it? 
 I am honest, hardworking, persevering and come from the 
 wrong stock to be a natural fool, though I do say it my- 
 self. I know you are too fond of me to let me fail for 
 want of all the help you can give me, and I am sure you 
 will see things as I do in time. I have of course spent 
 a tidy little sum in my attempts to get started and as I 
 have not made any actual headway, I can fancy you say- 
 ing: "Andy don't be chasing rainbows; don't think the 
 world is made up of fellows trying to put fortunes in your 
 way by schemes which they are willing to sell you for a 
 dollar or two! There are no such men I tell you!" 
 
 Well, father, I am gaining lots of experience though 
 it comes high to me. I have been "stung" with all sorts 
 of propositions, but every one of them made me a little 
 wiser and I suppose I will be fool-proof and scheme- proof 
 very shortly. You see there is something so irresistable, 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 SO tempting when you read one of the advertisements 
 offering a scheme, that a man no matter how many times 
 he has been stung, cannot help but send the stipulated 
 amount of money for the inside particulars. As I wrote 
 you before, I answered ads. offering one to five dollars 
 a hundred for writing letters, at their request sent money 
 for an outfit which proved a fake. I sent money for mem- 
 bership in a distributing association promising spare time 
 work, got stung again, got stuck good and plenty on 
 "stock-catalogs" the very thought of which makes me 
 sick. I paid for schemes which the promoter promised 
 would bring me no end of mail orders and up to now the 
 profits fi'om those schemes have not enabled me to buy a 
 postal card; oh, what's the use of repeating these things? 
 All I can say is that I am not in the least discouraged; 
 the more I was stung, the more determined I got to 
 succeed in the Mail Order business. I am from the old 
 stock you know, and while some people might call this 
 determination "stubborness" let me tell you father, that 
 they call it "GRIT and PERSEVERANCE" down here. 
 
 Talking about stock catalogs, father, I know now that 
 it is nothing but a snare. The other day I sent for one 
 of -the big mail order catalogs advertised by a Chicago 
 firm, and in comparing prices was more than surprised. 
 Some of the articles that were listed in the stock catalog 
 which the promoters supplied me with, were nearly double 
 the amount that the big Chicago mail order houses are 
 charging, and I am told that every family living in the 
 rural districts had one or more copies of these large 
 catalogs which they use as books of reference in compar- 
 ing prices and as they find that others are charging more 
 than the big mail order houses, their confidence in the 
 big mail order firms increases right along. Just imagine 
 how ridiculously foolish it seemed for me to be taken in 
 with such a scheme, when it stands to reason that the 
 same promoter is supplying the same catalog to hundreds 
 of others who like me, believe their misleading statements. 
 Why even Jake Miller who is running the general store 
 in your town, whose goods I used to watch to see how 
 thick the dust would get on them before they were sold, 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 and who had a reputation for high prices, sells his goods 
 at a lower figure than the prices quoted in the stock cata- 
 log. 
 
 Now I am going to try very, very hard to fight the 
 temptation of answering scheme ads. I resolved on this 
 once before, but thought I, PERHAPS this one is all 
 right, (it sounded so good) and I invested the dollar which 
 I had laid aside for repairing my shoes. The scheme was 
 to collect names at ten dollars a hundred, and for my 
 dollar I received a memorandum book worth two cents 
 with the instructions to go to my friends, ask them to 
 pay a quarter each to have their names inserted in a di- 
 rectory and I was to send the money to that fakir, who 
 would pay me ten dollars as soon as I collected the one 
 hundred names. The principal reason why I sent him 
 the dollar was that he advertised "money back if not as 
 represented" and when I wrote to him to send back my 
 money, the letter was returned to me by the post office 
 marked "Fraudulent." 
 
 No, father, your boy Andy is going to STICK. Others 
 are making lots of money in the Mail Order business, and 
 I am told that they paid for their experiences just 
 as I have. It is the boy that has the nerve to refuse to 
 acknowledge failure that wins out in the end. There is 
 no room in the Mail Order business for a "quitter."' Trust 
 Andy, pop, he is getting wise; and city life is not spoiling 
 him either. He is looking for some way into a square 
 business that will provide for a family. He will not work 
 shady trades. And you may rest assured that he will get 
 there O. K. bye and bye though he gets a lot of knocks on 
 the road. 
 
 I suppose you know what is coming now. Really, it 
 hurts to ask, but father, if you will believe me, this is the 
 very last time that I will ask you to help me out. But I 
 want to start a REAL mail order business. I am going 
 to cut out the schemes. I have subscribed to several trade 
 papers and will keep myself posted. I don't want to make 
 any more promises father, and if you will send me one 
 hundred dollars, I want you to consider it as the means 
 that will give me the foundation for a genuine, honest 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 Mail Order business, although the money won't come back 
 to you for some time. I shall add to this amount a few 
 dollars right along, and every penny of profit that I will 
 earn in this business I shall put back with the principle 
 until the business has grown large enough to enable me 
 to quit my position. I don't want to be a wage-worker 
 all my life. I am not cut out for it. I crave for independ- 
 ence and I know that the Mail Order business will give 
 this to me. I am sure, after all these experiences, these 
 sad ups and downs, I deserve it. Don't you think so, 
 father? I won't tell you in this letter how' I shall invest 
 that hundred. I want to surprise you, and my next letter 
 will be a revelation to you. I am sure that I can count 
 on you just this once more, and I promise faithfully that 
 I shall never, never again ask you for another penny. 
 
 Well, mother, dear mother, you will read all this I write 
 and utter a silent prayer that I may succeed. So I will, 
 and I am taking good care of my job all right, even 
 though it is hard to put up with the abuses that are 
 heaped upon me. I am doing everything I can to keep 
 solid except that I am a bit shabby as to my suit, and as 
 I said, my shoes are down, but not quite out. I shall 
 soon have to spruce up for the warm weather, but don't 
 fret, dear mother, I have no debts on my conscience, pay 
 my room rent regular (to avoid a row with that funny 
 faced spinster of a boarding house keeper) and keep out 
 of bad society. 
 
 Until next month. Good bye. 
 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
FOURTH LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: — 
 
 I was overjoyed to receive your kind letter containing 
 the hundred I asked for. But this is slim ackowledgment 
 of a sacrifice on your part and dear mother's for though 
 you say nothing, I know that it was a great pinch to send 
 this money at a time when ready money is not as com- 
 mon on a farm as weeds, more particularly as you don't 
 take a lot of stock in my ideas. You may rest assured 
 though, father, that this hundred will not go the way of 
 former advances. I shall use it wisely though I feel sure 
 you don't think so. But I feel a little nettled to put my- 
 self on a real footing in the Mail Order business because 
 of the plain though real- kind advice you give me. I 
 don't hold "money which makes the mare go" as you say, 
 as merely to be spent. I want to make it breed. I have 
 had no business experience, merely handling a line of 
 goods in a store, knowing nothing about their cost, just 
 showing them, wrapping them, dusting them, yanking 
 them down and tossing them onto the shelf will never 
 make a business man worth a cent. No more opening to 
 this job than the old blind mule that we used on the farm 
 as power for the grinder. So I must be willing to pay- 
 something for a footing in the real business world. You 
 say that a "young lad, inexperienced in a big city is no 
 match for a lot of sharp fellows who have staked their 
 wits against honest people's all their lives and won, and 
 is sure to get the lean bacon in the deal." Maybe, father, 
 if he's ass enough to follow their chaff all his life. I am 
 not that sort of a chump. I have had about all the flim 
 flam in business that I need, and the experience will be all 
 to the good when I get into bigger deals. But don't think 
 I don't take account of your advice and think myself 
 outgrown my old father's wisdom. Not by a five-acre 
 field. 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 I must tell you how I felt when I got your letter. It 
 is weak, but I can't help it. The letter carrier had to call 
 twice. I told him I was very sorry for that (you know 
 a registered letter must be delivered and signed for by 
 the person it is addressed to), but was not home on his 
 first call, and I greatly appreciated the care of the Post 
 Office, for young men whose fathers could send them a 
 hundred dollar draft now and then. Well I got the 
 draft cashed after some explanations and fearing risks 
 I sewed the money inside my vest pocket. Oh( when 
 I walked down to the store next morning how I moved 
 along, I felt like John D. or J. Pierpont, after being so 
 completely shy of cash lately. 
 
 I told you I would tell you how I intended to invest 
 the hundred. When I got to my box room that evening 
 I studied over my ideas but somehow I could not put them 
 into working shape. But I decided to open an account at 
 a bank the next day, however, and I can tell you what I 
 felt when holding my own bank book and check book in 
 my hand was worth something. It gives one ginger. But 
 I could not stop at that. I had to find a suitable article 
 to market and fix a plan to do it. . I had the idea but 
 balked at going ahead. 
 
 For two or three days I puzzled. I was like a horse 
 with the blind staggers. I wanted an article of honest 
 worth, for I am determined to "throw only a straight fur- 
 row in life,'' as you always urge on me. I wanted something 
 I could sell to a very large number for its cheapness and 
 handiness. What I could think of were a-plenty in the 
 market and I had kicked over the traces as to the schemers 
 things I had found in the Agents' outfits. I knew I was 
 on the right line but unfortunately the wheels of my plan 
 was up to the hub in the mud. 
 
 By good luck the manager of the department I work 
 in sent me to the printer about some mistakes in the ad- 
 vertisement as to the goods in his department and while 
 the "copy" was being looked up the printer's clerk got talk- 
 ing to me. What I learned from that talk was worth a lot 
 to me. He told me of an advertising expert and recom- 
 mended me to see him to advise me, as it was the regular 
 business of such men to straighten out matters as puzzled 
 
 i8 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 me. I hesitated a day or two, afraid that he couldn't help 
 me much for the money he'd want and also that his fees 
 would hardly be in my class. The following Saturday 
 was my lucky day for I went to see him. What I found to 
 be a mountain of trouble to me was a mere trifle to him. 
 His advice made of my dead horse ideas a live team that 
 would go. Don't think me wild. He helped me a lot. 
 While there he showed me some trade papers which he 
 told me I should watch, particularly a mail order paper, 
 a copy of which he let me have to look over. I notice 
 this .paper deals with just the line I want to get on, and 
 also posts its readers on fakes and schemes. My, but I 
 should have saved many a bright dollar if I had known 
 of such a paper earlier. But we live and learn as tabby 
 said to her kitten when it lapped at hot milk. He laid out 
 a careful plan for using ray capital so as to keep my affairs 
 straight, proposed a plan for securing the articles I need- 
 ed, wrote the advertisement and inserted it for me in 
 several big dailies under Business Opportunities, inviting 
 manufacturers and patentees to send me particulars of 
 useful and exclusive meritorious articles. I was full of hope 
 after this interview and in two or three days I was in 
 receipt of about two dozen letters, from which after care- 
 fully studying I selected what seemed to me desirable 
 articles; a patent fruit jar wrench a can opener, and a 
 potato slicer. These were articles which were wanted in 
 every home and could be made at a price to allow a hand- 
 some profit. The patentee was in hard luck and was un- 
 able to make and sell his goods, so with the advice of my 
 advertising friend, after examination I agreed with the 
 patentee to handle his articles on a royalty. I thought a 
 few other articles could help to add to profits and selected 
 several other labor saving devices. 
 
 I have now nearly got my. ground ploughed and shall 
 sow seed shortly. I am having "cuts" made (I should 
 tell you that cuts are the illustrations used in catalogues, 
 etc.) of the articles I shall supply and have arranged for 
 my expert friend to prepare a four page folder and plan 
 a selling campaign. I shall send mother the first folder 
 I mail and maybe she and father won't be proud when 
 they see it with its fine illustrations, nobby printing, fetch- 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 ing descriptions and stylish paper, and their boy's name 
 at the head of the big concern sending them out. You 
 remember the good-looking catalogue you got from the 
 Farm machinery people; well my folder will look as rich 
 as this or the swell magazine Mrs. Jolly takes; in fact 
 I tell you, I have seen one very much like what my Com- 
 pany's will look. Now father, don't shake your head and 
 say "Bubbles again boy!" — "How can you hope to make 
 and sell such things on $ioo? Well that is just where my 
 trouble is gone again; I forgot to say that the advertising 
 man put me in touch with a manufacturer who could make 
 the patent goods according to the patentee's design at 
 their own risk as to workmanship. 
 
 Now this is how he plans my money and I have gone 
 over it carefully with him — $50 for the first lot of goods 
 I order, according to the contract made with the manu- 
 facturer; $25 for printing, stationery, etc., $10 for addi- 
 tional expenses; and $15 for the charges of the advertis- 
 ing expert which he put low in consideration of my small 
 capital and in the hope that my success will make me a 
 permanent valued "client," as he calls me. Then I have 
 figured to put aside $S a week which I will put into advert- 
 ising. It will be a very tight pinch for me, but I can do it 
 I shall put all my profits back into the business to adver- 
 tise and extend it. So you see I am on a business footing 
 and have only to keep the nose of the plow well in the 
 soil to win out. 
 
 Now dear father and mother, you don't have to worry 
 any more. I shall come out on top. I feel success in my 
 bones. I am put in the way of a successful real start. 
 The advertising plan will be working in a few days and I 
 shall be able to tell you of my success in my next. And 
 be sure it will be U success if it depends on your Andy's 
 end of the game. Here I have been all these months 
 roaming about like a blind chick pecking at everything 
 but the grain it wants, and letting the shrewd old roosters 
 get away with my dollars. H it hadn't been for a kind 
 father to stick by me I should have entered the class of 
 failures in the mail order line; and though I have gained 
 some useful experience for my lost cash it would have 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 been better after all if I had not let it go "chasing rain- 
 bows" as you call them. But others have fared worse. 
 
 I wonder how I shall manage to handle my business 
 in my 8x8 bunk for I shall certainly need more room than 
 I have wanted heretofore. By the way, I noticed that 
 my vinegar-faced, weasel looking landlady has tried to 
 crack a smile at me on the stairway ever since the first 
 call of the letter carrier with my registered letter; today 
 she told me that my old room was vacant and how much 
 pleasanter it would be during the hot months, especially 
 as I needed more room for my work. And the sweet 
 creature put a coaxing tone into the word "work." But 
 I did not take the bait. I found the other day some papers 
 that I had put in a certain order all mussed about as if 
 someone had been prying into my afifairs to ascertain 
 what my "work" was. But a lock and key will separate 
 her eyes from my business papers henceforth. 
 
 I hardly know how to wait till my new plans are for- 
 ward enough to test them by results, but I am looking 
 forward to writing you very proudly in my next. I send 
 you both my love and again thank you for the cash. 
 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
FIFTH LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: — 
 
 You are expecting to have word of my doings which I 
 promised in my last, so before answering about the other 
 lovely things that have come to me from the dear folks at 
 home, I am going to keep my promise. Well, I told you 
 how I had appropriated the $ioo. Excuse my saying ap- 
 propriated, but this is the word that is generally used 
 among advertisers, they don't call it spent. The total was 
 limited, of course, and was not enough to do more than 
 local advertising but for all that it showed good for I 
 got back dollar for dollar of the money I put into it. Say, 
 though, I have had a life of it as a consequence, and all 
 because many of those who answered my ads. came per- 
 sonally because they lived around this city, and when I 
 got home at nights what a reception I got from my land- 
 lady who had been called upon to answer the door two or 
 three dozen times. Here is a sample of her sweet style 
 which she shot off last Tuesday, you should know that 
 when she starts she is like a spring freshet! "Now Mr. 
 Morton, I don't intend to make a slave of myself running 
 to and fro, upstairs and down, half of my time answering 
 rings for a lot of people asking for the Morton Mfg. Co. 
 Do you think that the paltry sum for which I allow you 
 to revel in a delightfully airy room in my house will pay 
 me for wearing myself out body and soul running after 
 people wanting a mysterious company? I certainly think 
 you have taken a liberty in using the address of this emi- 
 nently respectable house in such a way for- some question- 
 able business, as indeed it must be, or you would have 
 had sufficient confidence in the plan to have mentioned it 
 to me.'' Whew, but how the vinegar sharpened up her 
 keen features! I was taken aback sure enough and could 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 only stammer out an apology for the trouble she had been 
 put to. It is a good thing I wasn't by to see her weasel 
 look greeting my prospective customers. Well, this call- 
 ing feature I had not reckoned on, and of course it spoiled 
 a lot of trade, for people would hardly have much expec- 
 tation in doing business with a person in the "eminently 
 respectable," otherwise poor second-rate boarding house 
 where I nearly smothered in my little room under the 
 roof. It wouldn't need the spoiled cider face and sharp 
 voice of the landlady to queer the business. 
 
 But as I say, I got back what I spent for advertising 
 from the outsiders who wrote me; and, above all, I found 
 out the greatest fact for myself that advertising would 
 pull trade. This alone is worth a lot to me. It has shown 
 me the secret of success. One agent replied that he had 
 a crew of fifteen men out and would buy in gross and great 
 gross lots for spot cash if I would make a cut in price. I 
 figured again carefully but found I could not lower my 
 price safely, but I adopted the idea of bracing the manu- 
 facturers on a cut in consideration of a large order and 
 they have come down ten per cent, so I can close with my 
 agent. 
 
 This will show you that I am not blowing bubbles. I 
 have told you this news first, becaused I owed it to you 
 to do so, and now I think you will feel some of the en- 
 couragement that enthuses me, and makes me feel bright 
 and splendid, for all the furnace-heat weather we have had. 
 Most of the boys at the store have gone away for a few 
 days more or less, but I have kept close around and taken 
 my vacation in the Park planning and studying my busi- 
 ness. 
 
 Now I want to answer to your kindness — you dear 
 folks at the old home. 
 
 How I should have liked to pass my birthdaj' with 
 you all. I can hardly realize that I am 26 years old. It 
 seems a very little time since I was choring on the farm. 
 Well, you do not forget me any of you, and you know I 
 don't forget you. Right here now as I sit at my bureau 
 writing, I can see reflected in the mirror the lovely neck- 
 tie that Aunt Melinda knitted and sent me. I don't like the 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 color very well — but don't tell her — of course, you saw it, 
 wide red and orange stripes; but the sleeve garters are 
 great, they are handy I can tell you. Do you know, 
 father. Aunt Melinda should have gone into the story- 
 writing business. Why her letter to me, full of cautious 
 advice, was a wonder. Here are two nuggets she sent. 
 "Beware, nephew, of the allurements of the modern Baby- 
 lon. Its beauties are but deceits, its pleasures ashes of 
 Sodom and Gomorrah!" "The great city is a snare for 
 the feet of virtue and a trap for the innocent." Why 
 pastor Goodfellow never did better than that. But Auntie 
 is all right, only she must not think every one lives on 
 the "beauties" and the "pleasures" and goes about blind- 
 folded. Uncle Ted sent ine $50 merely saying that it was 
 sent with hearty good wishes for results, as he believed 
 "in encouraging a fellow trying to get on an independent 
 footing in life, where he thought he had a sound head." 
 
 Then last, but not least, dear Mother and Father's 
 remembrances. Those tokens from home from Mother's 
 hands; how good they looked to me; how sweet they 
 tasted. I pictured her bustling around and picking out 
 the very best of her jam and preserves for me, putting this 
 one aside and choosing that, as she said, "No, this one 
 don't look so bright and clear, this one is better," and so 
 too when she made delicious pies, how she picked the 
 fruit over, how carefully she rolled the pastry out, which 
 she had shortened with more than common care. Dear 
 mother, how I thank you. Your one touch in them made 
 them doubly sweet and richer than gold to me. How did 
 you like the folder I sent you? You did not refer to it and 
 I was disappointed. Did it not make you feel proud, eh? 
 Tell me. Father too, what a wise good letter of advice, 
 and the more welcome because it proves that the course 
 I am adopting is slowly gaining his favorable opinion. I 
 appreciate all his cautious advice and shall certainly act 
 upon it in principal. No, I did not for a moment think 
 you would send me a money present after the sacrifices 
 you have made in hard cash, so please don't think so: 
 Your proposition is more than I would have hoped for, 
 I will do my part to clinch it and don't be surprised if 
 
 24 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 you have to dip deep to carry it out. It may prove a big 
 thing for you to send me cash equal to my first month's 
 sales, but I will give you a full statement of these, as you 
 desire, as part of your proposition. I am delighted at this 
 plan and am confident the figure will show up strong at the 
 end of the month. 
 
 I will tell you what I have done with Uncle Ted's 
 gift. Twenty dollars I have put into additional printing 
 matter and thirty dollars into advertising; besides this 
 I have put into the bank, as reserve capital, fifteen dollars 
 that I have saved from my wages. 
 
 I think I have told you all important matters. I am 
 getting along all right at the store, a little less work to 
 do but that is little compensation and only gives excuse 
 for continued small wages. I am fooling no cash away, 
 and after my experience with my customers calling at my 
 boarding house I have made up my mind to rent a three- 
 roomed apartment on the ground floor in a more attrac- 
 tive house as soon as I have earned the money your pro- 
 position promises. Then I will use the front room for an 
 office, the second as a reception room, bedroom and 
 parlor combined, and the third as kitchen and dining room. 
 Then I shall live well and healthy keeping house for my- 
 self, which will be no difficulty for I havn't forgotten the 
 lessons I got in making coffee, frying bacon, and cooking 
 rice cakes, doughnuts and cookies, that I got from my 
 dear old mother, and I am sure can live comfortably and 
 cheaply. This will not interfere with my position at the 
 store, which I shall hold fast to till I am safely anchored 
 in my mail order business. I can manage my daily lunch 
 all right at some light lunch cafe near the store. Even- 
 ings I shall give to my business, also Saturday afternoons 
 and holidays, and also Sundays if necessary. I hardly 
 know what mother will say to this last purpose, but I 
 am sure she will think kindly of my motive. I hate to think 
 however, what Aunt Melinda's comment will be. In her 
 letter she says, "I hope you sit under a good minister, 
 nephew, attend church regularly as well as prayer-meet- 
 ings and Sunday school, for no good can come to the 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 young man or woman who neglects these things." I am 
 sure she means well, I wouldn't like to sit under the 
 minister I heard last Sunday week, for he weighs morcthan 
 Taft, and I am afraid myself and plans would be sadly 
 flattened out after the experience. I don't mean to trifle 
 with Aunt's feelings, but honestly I don't see how a man 
 is to be blamed for doing honest work on Sunday, if he 
 has to earn a living or can better his position only by so 
 doing; so I suppose I shall be booked for the naughty 
 place for I would a darn sight rather work on Sunday 
 than run about with boys spending money and time in 
 dissipation, gambling, etc.; besides I go to church regularly 
 on Sunday mornings and if that don't do, then it is all up 
 with me, unless the devil collars me and takes me in mercy 
 to the lower world. 
 
 One other thing. I have rented a post office box, I 
 intend to do away with business callers at my "eminently 
 respectable" boarding house, and if I had no other reason 
 for doing so the sight of my sweet landlady on her march 
 to and fro before the block would be enough, for I must 
 tell you that last Saturday as I turned the corner of the 
 home block I saw the dame — there was no mistaking her 
 face and figure — sailing toward me in all the glory of a 
 new "Merry Widow" head gear. The sight would have 
 cured a spavined mule or made a mummy smile. It re- 
 minded me of a picture of the Monitor, the war vessel 
 like a cheese box on a plank in the Popular History of the 
 Civil War we have at home, just like it, as it is shown 
 there. Well, my lady spends every moment she can in 
 sporting that gay affair for the neighbors' amusement. 
 This post box arrangement is all right for the other reason 
 that I contemplate changing my address and my mail will 
 not be delayed as it might otherwise be. 
 
 So everything is going fine. I have placed my new 
 advertising in the biggest Sunday papers utider "Agents 
 Wanted" and look for a swarm of answers next week. 
 Then in my next I expect to be able to report such great 
 progress as to enable me to win out well on Father's pro- 
 position and to go into my hoped-for home establish- 
 ment. 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 I have now told you all about my doings and plans 
 so far and as my letter is already very long I will close. 
 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
SIXTH LETTER 
 
 Dear Father; — 
 
 You must excuse my delay in answering your kind let- 
 ter but I really did not have the time to spare to answer 
 it, as I am kept pretty busy attending to my "business." 
 You will be glad to learn that the advertisements placed 
 under "Agents Wanted" in the large Sunday papers 
 brought forth a flood of inquiries, and although my printed 
 matter covers the subject pretty well, yet there are ques- 
 tions asked that must be replied to by personal letter. But 
 this is only one reason of the delay. I have changed my 
 boarding house and am now stopping with the parents of 
 one of the clerks at the store. He is a nice fellow, much 
 better than the average, and his folks try their best to 
 please me and make me feel at home. 1 certainly do feel 
 happy, now that I have left the roof of that sour-faced 
 boarding house keeper with the "thirty-day-rain" expres- 
 sion on her face. You remember my writing you that I 
 intended to make a change by fitting up a home of my 
 own, but circumstances did not permit that expense just 
 now, and the climax came the other day; ray antideluvian 
 landlady served Irish Stew in which I found floating a 
 peculiar looking mass of stuff. Thinking that perhaps it 
 was part of the "Irish Stew" I tried to cut it with my 
 knife and fork, and failed. Then I did my level best to 
 pick it up with the fork but it would not stay and splashed 
 back into the plate, considerably bespattering the not over- 
 clean table linen, and my best and only suit of business 
 clothes. "Mr. Morton," screamed the excited dame-of- 
 uncertain-age, "have you no table manners at all." Do you 
 think I can afford to put a clean cloth on the table three 
 times a day, simply because you lack the manner of a well 
 bred man?" "I beg your pardon," I replied, "but really, 
 it was not my fault. The fact is, I tried to unravel this 
 mysterious black and grey colored lot of macaroni or 
 
THE UPS A^nTD downs OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 spaghetti that you have served with this stew." "Young 
 man,'" she said, "don't try to insult a lady; don't think for 
 one moment because I have no one here to protect me, 
 that you can cast reflections on my cooking. I want you 
 to understand that I have not served any of your Italian 
 specialties and what you take for spaghetti is probably a 
 piece of delicious mutton." So I said, "Well, if that is 
 mutton, your most excellent method of cooking has grown 
 hair on it as it looks more like a bunch of whiskers than a 
 piece of meat." And with that I successfully fished out 
 the stuff and held it up to her gaze. "Goodness gracious," 
 she screeched, that is the "rat" that fell out of my hair 
 this morning. I have searched all over for it for two 
 hours." 
 
 Freddie Burns, one of the clerks at the store sug- 
 gested that I board with his folks, after I related the 
 incident, and I promptly accepted. I explained the na- 
 ture of my "business" to them and as luck would have it, 
 find that their daughter is in the employ of a large Mail 
 Order establishment in this city who cater exclusively to 
 women. Miss Burns is an expert stenographer there and 
 while we have only known each other a few weeks, she 
 has given me a good many pointers about the Mail Order 
 business, and she manifests great interest in my little 
 enterprise. I have the use of their sitting room for an 
 office, so do not have to do business from my bedroom any 
 longer. In the evenings Miss Burns comes to the "office" 
 and helps me to address envelopes and fold the printed 
 matter. She tells me that it would make a much better 
 impression on my business if I used a typewriter, and she 
 has also kindly volunteered her services. I tell you, father, 
 she is a "brick!" Providence certainly is kind to me and 
 I now see my way much clearer to the road of success. 
 
 Have received a few hundred letters and postals from 
 agents who wish to hear more about my line and have 
 made sales to the extent of about fifty dollars. Miss Burns 
 says that I ought to "follow u,p" all inquiries, which means 
 to write to all the agents again and find out why they did 
 not order some of my goods. For this purpose, she said, 
 I ought to have a duplicating machine. This will save 
 big printing bills, as a copy written on the typewriter on 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 Stencil paper would reproduce as many copies of the let- 
 ters as I required and they would all look like typewritten 
 letters. She tells me that her firm sends out thousands 
 of these mineographed letters every week. 
 
 A good many of the inquiries 1 received are written on 
 dirty scraps of paper or on postals that look as if they 
 have been through the war. I was on the point of throw- 
 ing them away in disgust but Miss Burns advised me to 
 answer them all as some of the best agents at times were 
 the writers of these filthy looking epistles. I find that 
 she is right, as I have received one of the biggest orders 
 through answering a postal that I really had a horror of 
 touching. Funny, isn't it, father, that in this progressive 
 age when paper and ink is so cheap and when a single 
 penny will buy a nice clean postcard, that seemingly suc- 
 cessful agents will use a sheet of paper that would never 
 pass a board of health inspection. Another thing that struck 
 me very funny, is that very few of the applicants can 
 write a good hand or spell their words correctly. Seems 
 to me that with the liberal educational facilities of our 
 country the percentage of poor writers and spellers ought 
 to be much lower than it really is. 
 
 But I am digressing. The point I want to get at is 
 that I must have a typewriter and a Mineograph machine. 
 How to get these at the present time without throwing 
 myself into debt or impairing my working capital, I do 
 not know and therefore turn to you, dear father, to help 
 me out once more. I can purchase a typewriter that will 
 be fully adequate to my present needs for about twenty- 
 five dollars and I can buy a duplicating machine for about 
 the same amount. At any rate, if you can advance me 
 fifty dollars father, I shall be a thousand times obliged to 
 you. I have told Miss Burns how kind and indulgent you 
 are, and in granting me this favor I shall be able to prove 
 it to her. You know father, that I have quit chasing rain- 
 bows and building air castles. I 9m now gradually build- 
 ing a solid foundation and every penny now going into 
 the business gives it that much more strength. I related 
 my varied experiences to Miss Burns the other evening, 
 and was told-by her that thousands of mail order beginners 
 who are attracted by the glowing advertisements of "pro- 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 meters" and "set-you-ups" meet with the very same dif- 
 ficulties, and that but one out of perhaps a hundred comes 
 out of the ordeal with a look on his face that has determ- 
 ination and a desire to WIN written all over it. I have 
 passed the experimental stages and know enough to steer 
 clear of the mail order promoters. I do business with my 
 advertising agent only and when I require advice I go to 
 him for it. But as for schemes how to get rich quick, 
 NEVER AGAIN. 
 
 Father, I do wish that you would lay the care of the 
 farm aside for a week and come down here for a visit. 
 Mr. and Mrs. Burns assure me that you will be welcome 
 and that they will do all they can to entertain you. I 
 want you particularly father to meet Miss Burns. I am 
 sure you will like her. Don't smile now, father, I am not 
 in love, but somehow I can't help liking the girl and we 
 both feel as if we had known each other for years and 
 years. I know it is useless for me to ask mother to come, as 
 someone has to stay behind, but you bet that as soon as 
 my business is running along smoothly so that I can give 
 up the drudgery of the store and increase my mail order 
 proposition by devoting all my time to it, I will make you 
 sell the old farm and come here with mother to live a life 
 of ease and contentment. And if I ever get married, you 
 will be able to look forward to entertaining one or more 
 little mail order aspirants. 
 
 Give my love to mother, and try, dear father to ac- 
 comodate me once more. I promise you it will be the 
 very last time. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
SEVENTH LETTER 
 
 Dear Father: 
 
 Your welcome letter received last night and I want to 
 thank you for sending the fifty dollars. I note your ex- 
 cuse for not sending it several weeks sooner, and am very 
 sorry indeed to learn that mother has been unwell and 
 that you were unable to go to the bank any sooner. Mother 
 is working too hard, father, and she has no one but you to 
 look after her in case of illness and while a man's inten- 
 tions may be of the best, we all know that it takes a wom- 
 an to play the nurse. Minnie (I mean Miss Burns) sends 
 her best wishes and says that she will gladly come down 
 to the old farm anytime and stay there until mother is 
 fully able to be about again. Say father, Minnie (Miss 
 Burns) is a "brick" all right. She is the finest girl I ever 
 met and I think you and mother would fall in love with her 
 at first sight. I know you will refuse her generous offer 
 and while I am not at all selfish, yet I must confess that 
 your boy, Andy could not spare her. She is one of the 
 mainstays of my little Mail Order business. 
 
 The other day Minnie managed to get a day off, tell- 
 ing me that she had some personal business to attend 
 to. That "personal business" consisted in going down 
 town to select the best second-hand typewriter that she 
 could buy for me and to my surprise, when I came 
 home in the evening, there stood the typewriter on a neat 
 little table, and Minnie working away on it, answering 
 some of my correspondence! Honest, father, I couldn't help 
 myself, but I just embraced and hugged her! Did she 
 mind? Not one bit, she blushed a little and said that I was 
 a "silly, excited boy!" She bought that typewriter for only 
 $21, and also managed to negotiate for a duplicating ma- 
 chine that will only cost me $20, so I am still nine 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 dollars to the good, and with this money dear father, I am 
 going to make the best investment I have ever made or 
 will ever make — I am going to buy the best engagement 
 ring that the nine dollars will pay for! Don't think I 
 have acted hastily. No, indeed, I have studied the girl 
 the past three months and know that she is all to the 
 good. I have made inquiries and find that everyone 
 speaks very highly of Miss Burns and her folks. I pro- 
 posed in a business like manner, and right in the presence 
 of her folks, who have taken a great liking to me. Her 
 answer was that she would be mine just as soon as my 
 little mail order business was strong enough to sustain 
 the weight of Andy and Minnie and to this the folks said 
 "Amen." But I added, "yes, and strong enough to enable 
 me to give my folks the life of ease that they deserve." 
 To-day I am sending you Minnie's picture and I trust that 
 you and dear mother will approve of my choice. 
 
 But now about my business. Thanks to Minnie's 
 help and experience, I am making great headway. Also 
 through her aid I got next to a few wrinkles that have 
 been of great help to me. I find it very hard work to in- 
 duce agents to take up our line. They are always ready to 
 answer an advertisement and to send for a sample but they 
 require persistent going after, to land them. One good 
 agent pays for all this trouble and expense. We have now 
 over a dozen hustlers working for us but out of the lot 
 there are only two men that are making good in the full 
 sense of the word. With a half a dozen of such men the 
 success of my agency business is assurred. I am putting 
 back every penny into the business and constantly increas- 
 ing the advertising appropriation. Beginning next week, I 
 am going to hold back twenty per cent, of the income, and 
 this I shall put into a direct mail order business of which 
 Minnie will be the manager. Her folks have offered to aid 
 me financially, being impressed with the possibility of it, 
 but I have declined, and I am sure that they think more 
 of me for it. You will wonder what this direct mail order 
 business will consist of. Well, I have no secret to make 
 of it. It is nothing else than selling infant's wearing ap- 
 parel and "Infant's Outfits" to mothers and to expectant 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANt 
 
 mothers. This is Minnie's idea. Her line of work with the' 
 big mail order house here led to the idea. She is continu- 
 ally answering correspondence of women customers who 
 are looking for the best in the land in that line dnd her 
 firm does not make a specialty of infants' wear, although 
 it is the leading mail order firm in the country for cloaks 
 and suits. There are only two or three mail order firms 
 who make a specialty of the infant wear line and there; is 
 ample room for a firm of that kind, conducted by a woman, 
 like Minnie, who has all the ins and outs of the business 
 at her finger's ends. My advertising man thinks it is a 
 "bully" idea and as soon as Minnie has worked out the 
 copy for a small catalog I will take it to him to be put 
 through the finishing process. I shall be able to tell you 
 more about this business in my next, and I want to as- 
 sure you, father, that I shall start this business without 
 any additional financial aid. I promised in my last letter 
 that I would not ask you for any more money and I shall 
 stick to my promise. I feel happy and contented, and go 
 about my work with a will. I am sure that a few months 
 more will see me giving all my time to the mail order 
 business, and the daily drudgery of the store will be a 
 thing of the past. And if my business will ever grow to a 
 point where a capable manager can profitably be employed 
 Freddie Burns will be the right man for the right job, for 
 is he not directly responsible for this great change in my 
 tide? Well, father, I hope that my letter has not bored 
 you, but you see, Andy is overflowing with enthusiasm just 
 now, and if only mother was well again, I could truthful- 
 ly say that I consider myself the happiest man on earth. 
 
 Give my love to mother, and tell her to accept the 
 little gifts that Minnie and I are sending her today as a 
 token of our esteem and love. And may the good Lord 
 restore her health speedily is our daily prayer. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
EIGHTH LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father: — 
 
 Just received your letter, and hasten to reply tonight 
 as I shall have to work at the store evenings until the 
 close of the holiday season, beginning to-morrow. 
 
 Minnie wishes to thank you for the confidence you 
 and dear mother place in her, but says that I have beeii 
 exaggerating. Don't you believe it, father. Minnie is 
 worth her weight in gold, and the finest girl on the face 
 of the earth. She has promised to take the entire charge 
 of my Mail Order business the coming month, as I shall 
 be unable to attend to it on account of the store work. 
 What I would have done without her, I do not know. 
 
 You say in your letter that my last communication 
 was the first "sensible and promising'' one. Whether you 
 come to this conclusion because 1 asked for no money, or 
 because I am now under the "guardianship" of one Minnie 
 Burns, I am not prepared to say. But this much I will 
 state, I have had my eyes opened for once, (and by a wom- 
 an too!) and never realized until lately that I acted the 
 part of a fool, and you the part of a very indulgent father. 
 I wrote you once before that we all live and learn, and 
 profit by our experiences. Well, I have LEARNED and 
 I certainly DID profit by past experiences, even if they 
 did come high at the time. If things turn out as I now am 
 reasonably sure they will, I shall consider the expense 
 trifling indeed. 
 
 I am enclosing in this letter one of our modest eight 
 page folders, showing our "new'' line. Don't you think 
 the work finely executed? To be sure, it is a small affair, 
 but IT PAYS! Would you believe, father, that we have 
 already made MORE MONEY out of this new venture, 
 than I have cleared out of my other Mail Order business? 
 That's the fact, and I will tell you why. 
 
 In my own little Mail Order business I lost consider- 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 able money to get on the right track, and while it is pay- 
 ing nicely now, yet I am compelled to put back almost 
 every penny of it in additional advertising and more print- 
 ing. As stated in my last, GOOD agents are mighty dif- 
 ficult to get and once you have two or three good ones, 
 it takes a lot of "nursing" to keep them. I believe that 
 the agency end of a Mail Order business is the most dif- 
 ficult and trying one. Agents are the most unsteady lot 
 ©f people I have ever come in contact with. They will 
 handle your line for a while, make money m it, and will 
 switch ofif to some other line without any apparent reason, 
 iUnless it is that another advertiser offers more attractive 
 inducements on some jim crack novelty. In the meantime 
 that territory is tied up and we have to lose a month'^ 
 business or more, until we can allow another agent to work 
 that section. 
 
 Not so in this "direct" Mail Order business, for which 
 I have Minnie to thank. I wonder who the person was 
 that termed women "the weaker sex;" that term is. cer- 
 tainly misapplied. A woman may be weak as far as her 
 bodily strength is concerned, but a woman's intuition is 
 certainly much stronger than that of a mere man. Minnie 
 was right when she said that her idea WOULD pay. Just 
 think, father we only spent twenty dollars in getting up 
 this little eight page folder, and after mailing out three 
 hundred of them with a neat appropriate letter, (sealed), 
 we have received enough orders out of it to bring back the 
 entire expense, besides a tidy little sum which we have 
 laid aside for "the good of the business." 
 
 But I must tell you more of the plan we are using. At 
 Minnie's suggestion, I have contracted with a local press 
 clipping bureau, for the records of all new births, clipped 
 from all the newspapers of the country. Then I had a 
 pulling letter written by our advertising agent, which 
 Minnie sent out under her own name to a list of soo mid- 
 wives. In this letter she enclosed one of our folders and 
 offered to pay the midwife a commission of twenty per 
 cent, on all orders she could influence, or also on orders 
 we would receive from the expectant mothers whose 
 names they would send us. Our folder undoubtedly im- 
 pressed them, as we received nice encouraging letters from 
 
 3.6 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 a good many of these professional midwives and nurses, 
 also a pretty good list of names. To these names we seht 
 our illustrated folder and a neat letter calling attention 
 to oiir exclusive line of infants' wear and "baby outfits!" 
 We make it plain to these people that our line is "exclil- 
 sive" and something entirely different from the elass of 
 infants' weai; procurable at their local stores. Perhaps 
 you Jcnow, father, that it is the ambition of every mother 
 to have her infant dressed in the very best, even if she 
 has to do vifithout a few necessary luxuries for a time, to 
 make up for the additional expense. And women too, are 
 anxious to clothe their new born in apparel that cannot 
 be duplicated in their own town. Well, father, this is 
 part of our "plot" but not all of it. I am giving you sim- 
 ply a brief outline here so that you may understand our 
 working principle. If you are interested, or perhaps it 
 mother would like to know more about it, will write you 
 further in my next. 
 
 We intend to publish a 36 or 40 page catalog of in- 
 fants' wear next month, that is, if my present plans will 
 work out. I am now satisfied that this new business is the 
 most promising one, as we can always hold a new cus- 
 tomer's trade by supplying her with the many little ne- 
 cessities required for a youngster between the ages of 10 
 minutes to ten years. And if Teddy Roosevelt's anti- 
 suicide policy will be maintained, we might hold that cus- 
 tomer's trade for a number of years! 
 
 Have therefore decided to advertise my agency Mail 
 Order business for sale. Will have no trouble to find a 
 buyer as the business is on a paying basis now and I con- 
 trol the three leaders that we have been advertising. It 
 will be too much to attend to the agency business and to 
 this Infants' Wear line, as they work in two entirely dif- 
 ferent channels, and as Minnie says, I ought not to have 
 too many irons in the fire. The money I will receive from 
 this agency business, will be put into the new enterprise, 
 and then, dear father, your boy Andy, guided by a woman, 
 will climb the ladder of success. Once he is up there, you 
 may bet that he^ will STAY there, and you and dear 
 mother will be there to enjoy the scenery. 
 
 Give OUR love and regards to dear mother. We were 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 greatly pleased to hear of her recovery and sincerely 
 hope she will take care of herself. I should have said 
 this at the beginning of my letter, but my head is so full 
 of "business" that I have overlooked this, for which I 
 beg your humble pardon. 
 I am, as ever, 
 
 Your boy, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
 38 
 
NINTH LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father and Mother: — 
 
 "Merry Christmas" to you, and many thanks for the 
 presents. Dear mother never forgets her boy Andy, and 
 the knitted stockings are just what I wanted so badly. 
 The Burns family have written you this morning, I be- 
 lieve, expressing their thanks for the barrel of apples you 
 sent them. But say, father, those apples are certainly 
 "hummers," and would win first prize at any county fair. 
 Minnie too, you have not forgotten, and her brother Fred 
 is going to wear that necktie mother knitted for him, this 
 evening. 
 
 Well, father, I have GOOD news to report to you at 
 the eve of Christmas. I have sold my original Mail Order 
 business, including good will and stock for five hundred 
 dollars spot cash. $225 of your money was invested in 
 that business, and about the same amount of my own 
 money, but the experience I got is alone worth many times 
 the amount of the investment, and besides, I have a neat 
 little "office" to show for it, a splendid typewriter, a du- 
 plicating machine and other office accessories, and last 
 but not least, our NEW Mail Order business, which was 
 started out of the proceeds of the former business. Minnie 
 says that the five hundred is just like found money and 
 that I ought to be satisfied in having received that much, 
 (You see, I asked a thousand, and grumbled a little when 
 I found that five hundred was the best I could get). 
 
 You told me in one of your last letters that you did 
 not expect to see one cent of all the money that you have 
 loaned me and that you therefore prefer to make me a 
 present of it outright. On the strength of this, father, I 
 will not offer any of the money to you now, but will put 
 it into our new business, where it will do real good. In 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 fact, we have already put the greater part of it into the 
 business because our plans demand and justify prompt 
 action. Our new 36 page catalog of infants' wearing ap- 
 parel, nursery and toilet accessories is now off press and 
 can be considered one of the slickest little catalogs ever 
 issued. Minnie took the job off the hands of our ad- 
 vertising man because she said that men do not under- 
 stand this line sufficiently, and I guess she is right. No 
 man could ever assemble so catching a line of children's 
 wear and present it in such an attractive way. We em- 
 ployed a photographer for a week and induced one of 
 Minnie's married lady friends to have her sweet little 
 youngster pose for the pictures, clad in the different baby 
 garments.. Then we had a number of excellent engravings 
 made. I am sure you will agree with me that our catalog 
 will attract considerable attention. You can now buy from 
 our house anything from a safety pin to a box of talcum 
 powder, and from a diaper to a dress, but our specialty 
 will be "Infants' Outfits." These outfits consist of every- 
 thing necessary for a new born child. We sell three grades 
 of outfits. One at ten dollars, another, more attractive, 
 at fifteen dollars, but our great prize winner is the twenty- 
 five dollar outfit, good enough for a prince or princess. 
 The last named outfit is the one that is selling more rapid- 
 ly than the others. Even the humble little country mother 
 wants this outfit. We find that particularly the first born 
 are the ones that benefit by this swell outfit. 
 
 Business has increased so much lately that we have 
 been compelled to engage two women sewers, experienced 
 in their line, to work for us exclusively. We buy the ma- 
 terial at wholesale and Minnie turns the necessary amount 
 of goods over to these women, who take the work home 
 with them, as we have not the room at the house. Our 
 customers seem pleased with the goods and recommend 
 us to their friends. The press clippings and the loyal 
 support of the many nurses and midwives are a great help 
 to us, and if this, the last week of the rhonth shows a 
 favorable increase in our steady growing business, Minnie 
 will resign her position, and devote all her time to our Mail 
 Order business. 
 
THE UPS AiVD DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 So far, our expenses have been very low. Rent! do 
 not have to pay. Mrs. Burns does not mind it in the least 
 'that we use her "best room" for our "business. But we 
 need room for a healthy growth, and with that end in view 
 we have decided to vent a nice little house in the suburbs 
 as soon as the business shows an average net profit of 
 fifty dollars a week. Then, and not sooner, will your boy 
 Andy bid farewell to his' present employer, and work with 
 might and main, for the furtherance of our new enterprise. 
 Funny, I forgot to say that Minnie and I will be "hitched" 
 on the day that I will give up my position, and that the 
 Burns family have insisted that we must leave the fitting 
 up of our new home to them. We will rent a three story 
 house, father. The first story will be our work rooms and 
 the shipping department. The second story our stock 
 room and office, and the thiird floor will be our humble, 
 but happy home. 
 
 Don't you think I ought to feel happy at the eve of 
 Christmas with a splendid business, great possibilities of 
 4 steady growth, a good little girl soon to be my wife, and 
 two hundred dollars cash in the bank? Indeed I am 
 happy. I do not remember having ever felt so happy in 
 all my life. True, I was happy home at the farm, but was 
 never really contented. Minnie and I have many a laugh 
 over it, I tell you, when I relate my boyhood experiences 
 to her. She says that I must have looked real funny in 
 your discarded overalls, patched up by mother, and with 
 a hoe and a spade in my hands, ready for work in the 
 turnip fields. And yet, I must confess that I wished my- 
 self back at the farm many times, while I was boarding 
 with that former illustrious landlady of mine who was 
 ever at the keyhole to look for trouble, and ready to serve 
 hair switches or "rats" in her soup. If I was to write a 
 story of my life, I believe that the title would be "THE 
 GOOD FORTUNE OF A COUNTRY BOY, OR ALL 
 ON ACCOUNT OF A "RAT." For, was it not on ac- 
 count of that "rat" incident that I gave up my abode 
 there? 
 
 Dear father, in your last letter you tell me that you are 
 again suffering from your rheumatics and find it hard to 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 get good help. You know that mother is not able to stand 
 the bulk of the work, and I now have to insist that you 
 look around for a purchaser of the old farm, so to be 
 ready to join us as soon as we have our new home fixed 
 up. We'll take care of you father, and are ready to pay 
 back with heavy interest all you and mother have ever done 
 for your Andy. You can both live a life of ease here and 
 when we have the time, I will make good my promise of 
 some months ago, about taking you out in an automobile. 
 I remember that one of my promises at that time was to 
 entertain you at the swellest hotel here, but I have "out- 
 grown'' my foolishness, and know and believe that we can 
 entertain you' much better in our own new home, and you 
 too will agree with me. 
 
 So get ready, father, as you may expect to receive a 
 telegram almost any hour, informing you of the fact that 
 the nuptial bond has been tied, and that will mean in plain 
 language, that we are ready to receive you and mother 
 with open arms. 
 
 Your dutiful son, 
 
 ANDY. 
 
TENTH LETTER. 
 
 Dear Father and Mother: — 
 
 Four days ago, on Christmas eve, I wrote you, saying 
 that you may expect a telegram almost any day. Well, 
 I'll do better than that and write you a few lines, saying 
 that everything has been settled. Minnie has left her po- 
 sition, and I follow suit tomorrow. Our business keeps 
 ■on growing and growing and we have to do some tall 
 hustling to ship our orders promptly. You know, in our 
 I'ne, we MUST be prompt. Babies WILL be born, and 
 cannot wait for any delay on our part. To my great sur- 
 prise, the Burns family, without my knowledge have gone 
 and rented the prettiest little cottage I have ever laid my 
 eyes on, and in one of the best suburbs of the city too. 
 They have fixed it up splendidly and all I'll have to do 
 is to attend to the fixing up of the workrooms and office. 
 It is an ideal home, and one I have dreamed of a good deal. 
 We have two rooms for the shop, one for a shipping 
 room, two for stockrooms, one for the office, and five for 
 our "home" of which one of the nicest will be your own 
 cosy room! Our last week's business gave us a net pro- 
 fit of $115. Just think of that, father! My, but wont I 
 work when I can devote all my time to it! I have engaged 
 Freddie Burns as Manager of our business, as he is a 
 bright chap, and we certainly do need an extra man to 
 carry out all our plans for the furtherance of our enter- 
 prise. He will begin with us early in January. Without 
 his or Minnie's knowledge, I have had partnership papers 
 drawn up, whereby Freddie will have a small interest in 
 the business, and father, YOU TOO, will be one of the 
 partners! The firm name will be MORTON, BURNS & 
 COMPANY, and the name will go well too. 
 
 It was our original intention to come up to the farm 
 
 43 
 
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A MAIL ORDER ASPIRANT 
 
 and be married there but then we would not have a real 
 wedding tour, and so we have decided to get married at 
 "The Little Church Around the Corner," on New Year's 
 eve, and then take the first train up to the farm, arriving 
 there early on New Year's day, when you and dear mother 
 will no doubt receive your boy Andy and his bride with 
 open arms. And doji'tyou forget it father, you will both 
 have to accompany us at once, for we cannot neglect our 
 business and stay longer than a day, So if you have not 
 sold your farm yet, give it away to someone, but by all 
 means, be ready to come with us. 
 
 This dear father, will be my last letter to you, and in 
 closing, and asking your blessing, remember that I am 
 now ready to make good my former promises, and to see 
 to it that the best father and mother on earth will live a 
 good many years yet to see their boy rise to fame and 
 fortune, with the aid of his little wife — and perhaps later — 
 one or two little assistants, named Andy and Mandy! 
 
 Yours devotely, 
 
 ANDY.