::ll)(:SmM-'MiiSSikCiiiSEllS:.;: TS Tg ' 1901 BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND THE GIFT OF 1891 gl:.3\f..2..Mb"-. - - - - -b-tll-l-l^ 93 =« Cornell University Library PS 1667.T8 1901 3 1924 021 974 856 The original of tliis book is in tlie Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924021974856 E-V- Copyright, 1901, By THE MUTUAL BOOK COMPANY. Entered at Stationers' Hall, London. All rights reserved. AN AUTO-ANALYSIS. I WAS born in St. Louis, Missouri, September 3, 1850, the second, and oldest surviving, son of Roswell Martin and Frances (Reed) Field, both na- tives of Windham County, Vermont. Upon the death of my mother (1856) I was put in the care of my (paternal) cousin. Miss Mary Field French, at Amherst, Massachusetts. In 1865 I entered the Private School of Rev. James Tufts, Monson, Massachusetts, and there fit- ted for Williams College, which institution I entered as a freshman in 1868. Upon my father's death, in 1869, I entered the Sophomore class of Knox Col- lege, Galesburg, Illinois, my guardian, John W. Burgess, now of Columbia College, being then a professor in that institution. But in 1870 I went to Columbia, Missouri, and entered the State Univer- sity there, and completed my junior year with my brother. In 1872 I visited Europe, spending six months and my partrimony in France, Italy, Ireland, and England. In May, 1873, I became a reporter on the St. Louis Evening Journal. In October of that year I married Miss Julia Sutherland Corn- stock (born in Chenango County, New York), of St. Joseph, Missouri, at that time a girl of sixteen. An Auto-Analysis We have had eight children — three daughters and five sons. Ill health compelled me to visit Europe in 1889 ; there I remained fourteen months, that time bemg divided between England, Germany, Holland, and Belgium. My residence at present is in Buena Park, a north-shore suburb of Chicago. \J[ Y newspaper connections have been as follows : 1875-76, city editor of the St. Joseph, Mis- souri, Gazette; 1876-80, editorial writer on the St. Louis Journal and St. Louis Times-Journal; 1880- 81, managing editor of the Kansas City Times; 1881-83, managing editor of the Denver Tribune. Since 1883 I have been a contributor to the Chicago Record (formerly Morning News). I wrote and published my first bit of verse in 1879; it was entitled "Christmas Treasures" (see " Little Book of Western Verse "). Just ten years later I began suddenly to write verse very fre- quently; meanwhile (1883-89), I had labored dil- igently at writing short stories and tales. Most of these I revised half a dozen times. One, " The Were- Wolf," as yet unpublished, I have rewritten eight times during the last eight years. An Auto-Analysis \J[ Y publications have been, chronologically, as ^^* follows: 1. " The Tribune Primer " ; Denver, 1882. (Out of print, very scarce.) ("The Model Primer"; illustrated by Hoppin; Treadway, Brooklyn, 1882. A pirate edition.) 2. "Culture's Garland"; Ticknor, Boston, 1887. (Out of print.) " A Little Book of Western Verse " ; Chicago, 1892. (Large paper, privately printed and limited.) " A Little Book of Profitable Tales," Chicago, 1889. (Large paper, privately printed and limited.) 3. " A Little Book of Western Verse " ; Scrib- ners, New York, 1890. 4. "A Little Book of Profitable Tales"; Scrib- ners, New York, 1890. 5. " With Trumpet and Drum "; Scribners, New York, 1892. 6. " Second Book of Verse " ; Scribners, New York, 1893. 7. " Echoes from the Sabine Farm." Transla- tions of Horace; McClurg, Chicago, 1893. (In collaboration with my brother, Roswell Martin Field.) 8. Introduction to Stone's First Editions of American Authors; Cambridge, 1893. 9. " The Holy Cross and Other Tales " ; Stone & Kimball, Cambridge, 1893. An Auto-Analysis T HAVE a miscellaneous collection of books num- bering 3,500, and I am fond of the quaint and curious in every line. I am very fond of dogs, birds, and all small pets — a passion not approved of by my wife. My favorite flower is the carnation, and I adore dolls. My favorite hymn is " Bounding Billows.'' My favorites in fiction are Hawthorne's " Scarlet Letter," " Don Quixote," and " Pilgrim's Progress." I greatly love Hans Christian Andersen's Tales, and I am deeply interested in folk-lore and fairy tales. I believe in ghosts, in witches, and in fairies. I should like to own a big astronomical telescope, and a twenty-four-tune music box. My heroes in history are Martin Luther, Mme. Lamballe, Abraham Lincoln ; my favorite poems are Korner's " Battle Prayer," Wordsworth's " We Are Seven," Newman's " Lead, Kindly Light," Luther's Hymn, Schiller's " The Diver," Horace's " Pons Bandusiae," and Burns' " Cotter's Saturday Night." I dislike Dante and Byron. I should like to have known Jeremiah the prophet, old man Poggio, Horace, Walter Scott, Bonaparte, Haw- thorne, Mme. Sontag, Sir John Herschel, Hans Andersen. My favorite actor is Henry Irving ; actress, Mme. Modjeska. I dislike " Politics," so called. An Auto-Analysis I should like to have the privilege of voting ex- tended to women. I am unalterably opposed to capital punishment. I favor a system of pensions for noble services in literature, art, science, etc. I approve of compul- sory education. If I had my way, I should make the abuse of horses, dogs, and cattle a penal offense; I should abolish all dog laws and dog-catchers, and I would punish severely everybody who caught and caged birds. I dislike all exercise and play all games very in- differently. I love to read in bed. I believe in churches and schools: I hate wars, armies, soldiers, guns, and fireworks. I like music (limited). I have been a great theater-goer. I enjoy the society of doctors and clergymen. My favorite color is red. I do not care particularly for sculpture or for paintings ; I try not to become interested in them, for the reason that if I were to cultivate a taste for them I should presently become hopelessly bank- rupt. I am extravagantly fond of perfumes. I am a poor diner, and I drink no wine or spirits of any kind : I do not smoke tobacco. I dislike crowds and I abominate functions. 8 An Auto-Analysis I am six feet in height ; am of spare build, weigh 1 60 pounds, and have shocking taste in dress. But I like to have well-dressed people about me. My eyes are blue, my complexion pale, my face is shaven, and I incline to baldness. It is only when I look and see how young and fair and sweet my wife is that I have a good opinion of myself. I am fond of the companionship of women, and I have no unconquerable prejudice against feminine beauty. I recall with pride that in twenty-two years of active journalism I have always written in reverential praise of womankind. I favor early marriage. I do not love all children. I have tried to analyze my feelings toward chil- dren, and I think I discover that I love them in so far as I can make pets of them. I believe that, if I live, I shall do my best literary work when I am a grandfather. I GIVE these facts, confessions, and observations for the information of those who, for one rea- son or another, are applying constantly to me for biographical data concerning myself. Eugene Field. THE COMPLETE TRIBUNE PRIMER MENTAL ARITHMETIC LIOW many Birds are there in Seven soft-boiled Eggs? If you have Five Cucumbers and eat Three, what will you have left? Two? No, you are Wrong. You will have more than that. You will have Colic enough to Double you up in a Bow Knot for Six Hours. You may go to the Foot of the Class. iro The Complete Tribune Primer THE OYSTER Eugene Field ii THE OYSTER [_J ERE we have an oyster. It is going to a Church Fair. When it Gets to the Fair, it will Swim around in a big Kettle of Warm Water. A Lady will Stir it with a Spoon, and sell the Warm Water for Forty Cents a pint. Then the Oyster will move on to the next Fair. In this Way, the Oyster will visit all the Church Fairs in Town, and Bring a great many Dollars into the Church Treasury. The Oyster goes a great Way in a Good Cause. THE GAME OP CROatTET If ERE we Have a Game of Croquet. Henry has ^ ^ just Hit Nellie with a mallet, and Nellie is calling Henry naughty Names. Their Mother is not much of a Croquet player, but in a minute she will Come out and Beat them Both. THE CITY EDITOR IIERE we Have a City Editor. He is Talking * * with the Foreman. He is saying he will have a Full Paper in the Morning. The Foreman is Smil- ing Sadly. Maybe he is Thinking the Paper will have a Full City Editor before Morning. 12 The Complete Tribune Primer THE OHEWINO GUM LJERE we Have a Piece of Chewing Gum. It is White and Sweet. Chew it a while and Stick it on the Under Side of the Mantel Piece. The Hired Girl will find it There and Chew it awhile Herself and then Put it Back. In this Way one Piece of Gum will Answer for a Whole Family. When the Gum is no Good, Put it in the Rocking Chair for the Minister or your Sister's Beau to sit upon. Eugene Field 13 THE PBETTY PABROT \ A/HAT a nice Bird this is! It is a Parrot. See " ' it Stand on its Perch with its Beak, while its Legs kind of Lay around Loose in the Air. Will the Parrot swear? Just pull his tail and See. Oh, what a Profane bird ! The Lady should not Teach her Parrot to Swear, because when the Preacher comes he will feel Bad about it. Would you like a little Wax Finger? Then put your Hand in the Parrot's Mouth and let him Fondle it a while. The Doctor will see you Later. 14 The Complete Tribune Primer THE BAD MAN Eugene Field 15 THE BAD MAX LJERE is a Man who has just Stopped his Paper. What a Miserable looking Creature he is. He looks as if he had been stealing Sheep. How will he Know what is going on, now that he has Stopped his Paper? He will Borrow his Neighbor's Paper. One of these Days he will Break his leg, or be a Candidate for Office, and then the Paper will Say Nothing about it. That will be treating him just Right, will it not, little Children? THE EDITOB'S KNIFE f I ERE we have a Knife. It looks like a Saw, but ^ ^ it is a knife. It belongs to an Editor, and is used for Sharpening Pencils, killing Roaches, open- ing Champagne Bottles, and Cutting the Hearts out of Bad men who Come into the office to Whale the Reporters. There is Blood on the Blade of the Knife, but the Editor will Calmly Lick it off, and then the Blade will be as clean and Bright as ever. The Knife cost seventy Cents, and was Imported from London, Connecticut. If you are Good, per- haps the Editor will Give it to you to Cut oflf the Cat's Tail. 1 6 The Complete Tribune Primer THE NASTY OIL Eugene Field 17 THE NASTY OIL V\0 not take the Castor Oil. It is very Nasty and *-^ will Make you sick. Mamma wants you to Take it so you Will be Sick and can't go Out and Play with the other Boys and Girls. If Mamma will give you a Velocipede and a Goat and a Top and a Doll, then you may Take the Castor Oil and it will not Hurt you. J6 GENEBOTTS BICHABD '"PHIS is good Little Richard. His Mamma has ^ Taught him to be Generous. See, he has the Measles, and he is going over to Give them to his Neighbors. Is he not a Nice Boy ? When yoa get the Measles, you must give them to all the little Boys and Girls you can. If you Do, maybe your Mamma will Give you Something. I guess she will Give you a Licking. TEE SENATOB WHAT is that Walking along the Street? That, my Son, is a State Senator. Will you not Tell me all About it ? No, my Son, you are too Young to hear Scandal. 1 8 The Complete Tribune Primer THE HACK-DRIVEB VA/HAT is the Man in a Big Coat and Broad ^" Hat? It is a Hack-Driver. What is a Hack-Driver ? He frequently is a Reformed Train- Robber. He does not Rob Trains any more, but he Robs poor Young men who are too Full to Walk Home at Night. Does the Hack-Driver Drink? Yes, whenever he is invited. He will also smoke one of your Cigars if you Urge him. Will the Hack-Driver stop the Hack at the Corner and let you Walk the Rest of the Way to the House, so you may Tell your Wife you Walked all the Way Home ? He will, by a large majority. Eugene Field 19 THE FOOK DOG 'TPHE Dog looks sick. He has been celebrating the Fourth of July. There is a Bunch of Fire Crackers tied to his Tail, also a tin Dipper. The Dipper does not Seem to bother him as much as the Fire Crackers. He is Wishing it was Christ- mas. We fear he is not a Patriotic Dog. 20 The Complete Tribune Primer THE HUMOROUS BOY Eugene Field 21 THE HUmOROXJS BOY '"PHIS man is a School Teacher. He is going to Sit Down in the Chair. There is a Bent Pin in the Chair, and it will Bite the School Teacher. The School Teacher is a very able Man, and he will find it out as soon as the Bent Pin Tackles Him. Will the School Teacher rise again? We should smile. But the School Teacher will not smile. He will Play a Sonata with the Ferule on the Boy's Back. The Boy put the Bent Pin in the Chair. He is Try- ing to be a Humorist. When the School Teacher gets Through with him, the Boy will Eat his Meals from the Mantel-Piece for a Week. THE BAD MAIIMA \ A/HY is this little Girl crying? Because her Mamma will not let her put Molasses and Feathers on the Baby's face. What a bad Mamma !~ The little Girl who never had any Mamma must en- joy herself. Papas are Nicer than Mammas. No little girl ever Marries a Mamma, and perhaps that is Why Mammas are so Bad to little Girls. Never mind ; when Mamma goes out of the Room, Slap the horrid Baby, and if it Cries, you can tell your Mamma it Has the Colic. 22 The Complete Tribune Primer 'J'H£ CONTRIBUTION PLATE Eugene Field 23 THE CONTRIBUTION PLATE HIS is a Contribution Plate. It has just been T Handed around. What is there upon it? Now Count very Slow or you will Make a Mistake. Four Buttons, one Nickel, a Blue Chip, and one Spectacle glass. Yes, that is Right. What will be Done with all these Nice things ? They will be sent to foreign Countries for the good of the Poor Heathens. How the Poor Heathens will Rejoice. j» THE FBOOF-BEADER CEE the Proof-Reader. He has been reading the ^ Proof of a Medical Convention. He is not Swearing. He is reading the Bible. You cannot See the Bible. It is Locked up in an Iron Box in the Editor's Room. The Proof-Reader is Saying something about Damming Something. Perhaps it is the Creek. THE MOTHERLESS INFANT '"pHE Man has a Baby. The Baby is Three weeks Old. Its Mamma Died two Years ago. Poor little Baby! Do you not Feel Sorry for it? THE MTTD npHE Mud is in the Street. The Lady has on a pair of Red Stockings. She is Trying to Cross the Street. Let us all give Three cheers for the Mud. 24 The Complete Tribune Primer THE FOOLISH BOACH npHIS is a Cock Roach. He is Big, Black, and Ugly. He is Crawling over the Pillow. Do not Say a Word, but lie still and Keep your Mouth open. He will Crawl into Your Mouth and You can Bite him in Two. This will Teach him to be more Discreet in Future. Eugene Field 25 THE GTJN npHISisagun. Is the Gun loaded ? Really, I do * not know. Let us Find out. Put the Gun on the table, and you, Susie, blow down one barrel, while you, Charlie, blow down the other. Bang! Yes, it was loaded. Run quick, Jennie, and pick up Susie's head and Charlie's lower Jaw before the Nasty Blood gets over the New carpet. 26 The Complete Tribune Primer ■'^rb|>^,^'- THE UNFORTUNATE MOUSIE p OOR little Mouse ! He got into the Flour Bar- ^ rel and Made Himself Dead. The Cook baked him in a Loaf of Bread, and here he lies on the Table cut in two by the Sharp bread Knife. But we will not Eat poor Mouse. We will eat the Bread, but we will Take the Mousie and Put him in the Cis- tern. Eugene Field 27 ^ZJH -^Mt THE OOAL-HOD f\ H, how nice and Black the Coal-Hod is ! Run, ^^ children, Run quick and put your Little Fat hands in it. Mercy me, your Hands are as Black as the Coal-Hod now ! Hark ! Mamma is Coming. She will spank you when she Finds your Hands so Dirty. Better go and Rub the Black Dirt ofif on the Wall Paper before she Comes. 28 The Complete Tribune Primer MAMMAS SCISSORS. Eugene Field 29 MAMMA'S SCISSOBS npHESE are Mamma's Scissors. They do not Seem to be in good Health. Well, they are a little Aged. They have considerable Work to Do. Mamma uses them to Chop Kindling, cut Stove Pipe, pull Tacks, drive Nails, cut the children's Hair, punch new Holes in the Calendar, slice Bar soap, pound beef Steak, open tomato Cans, Shear the New Foundland dog, and cut out her New silk Dress. Why doesn't Papa get Mamma a new Pair of Scissors ? You should not Ask such a Naughty question. Papa cannot Afford to Play Billiards and Indulge his Extravagant Family in the Luxu- ries of Life. THE DELICATE OIRL 'npHE Girl is Scratching her Back against the * Door. She has been eating Buckwheat Cakes. Her Beau thinks she is Delicate, but he has Never seen her Tackle a Plate of Hot Cakes on a Frosty Morning. Cakes had better Roost High when she is Around. If we Were the Girl we Should wear Sand-Paper lining in the Dress, and not be Making a Hair-Brush out of the Poor Door. 30 The Complete Tribune Primer THE MULE IS this not a mule? Tickle his Heel and See. You had better send for a Doctor and a Minister. If it had been a Piano instead of a Mule you would not Have to Wear yourself in a Sling for the next Six Months. Do you not wish it had been a Piano ! Eugene Field 31 THE FTJGHTIVE 'TTHE picture is of an Editor Sneaking down an ^ Alley. The man on the Sidewalk is a Jeweler. The Editor Owes him Eight Thousand dollars for Diamonds. That is Why the Editor sneaks down the Alley instead of Meeting the Jeweler. Would you Like to be an Editor and Sneak down an Alley? 32 The Complete Tribune Primer THE BOTTLE Eugene F'ield 33 THE BOTTLE HTHIS is a Bottle. What is in the Bottle? Very bad Whisky. It has been Sent to the Local Editor. He did not Buy it. If he had Bought it the Whisky would have been Poorer than it is. Little Children, you Must never Drink Bad Whisky. J- THE PLUMBEB "PHIS sorry Spectacle is a Plumber. He is Rag- ^ ged and Cold and Hungry. He is Very, very Poor. When you See him Next spring he Will be Very, very Rich, and will wear Diamonds and Broadcloth. His wife takes in Washing now, but She will be able to Move in the First Circles by the Time the Weather Turns Warmer and the Pansies Bloom again. AMERICA WHY is this great and glorious country called America? Principally because that is its name. Can you bound it? No, because it is a re- public and will not be bound. THE APPLE THE Apple is in a Basket. A Worm is in the Apple. It is a juicy little white Worm. Sup- pose you Eat the Apple, where will the Worm be? 34 The Complete Tribune Primer THE NOSE Eugene Field 35 THE NOSE IS this a Locomotive Headlight? No. Then it Must be a Drug Store Illumination? No, it is a Man's Nose. What a Funny Nose it is. It looks like a Bonfire. Half a dozen such Noses would Make a Gaudy Fourth of July Celebration. It is too Bad that such a lovely tinted Nose should have such a Homely Man behind it. The Nose has Cost the Man a great Deal of Borrowed Money. If it were not for the Nose a Great many Breweries would Close and a great many Distilleries would Suspend. If the Man drinks too much Water, his nose will lose its Color. He must be Careful about this. How many such Noses would it take to make a Rainbow half a Mile long? Ask the man to let you Light your Cigar by his Nose. THE NAUGHTY BAT T^HE Rat is Gnawing at the Baby's Ear. The Baby is in the cradle, and is so Little it cannot Help itself. Oh, how Piteously it is Crying! The Rat does not care a Cent, and keeps Eating away at the Baby's Ear. When it gets this Ear eaten off it will Crawl over the Baby's neck and eat the other Ear. Where is the Baby's Mamma ? She is Down in the Back Yard Talking over the fence to the neighbors about her New Dress. You must Tell your Mamma never to Leave you Alone in the Cradle, or a Rat may Eat off your Poor little Ears. 36 The Complete Tribune Primer THE HASH TS this a Chignon? No, it is a Plate of Hash. But where are the Brush and Comb? We cannot serve the Hash unless we have a Brush and Comb. The Comb is in the Butter, and the Baby has put the Brush in the Coffee-Pot. Don't cry. Children, we will Give you some nice Molasses with Pretty, green Flies in it. Eugene Field 37 x^^^p^ SLEEPY KITTY 'T^HE Cat is Asleep on the Rug. Step on her Tail ^ and See if she will Wake up. Oh, no ; She will not wake. She is a heavy Sleeper. Perhaps if you Were to saw her Tail off with the Carving knife you might Attract her attention. Suppose you try. 38 The Complete Tribune Primer THE STATESMAN Eugene Field 39 THE STATESMAN Lj ERE is a Statesman. He makes speeches about * the poor Tax-Payer and Drinks Whisky. His Pants are too Short for him. He must Have Stood in a Puddle of Water when he got Measured for them. He picks his Teeth with a Fork and Wipes his Nose on the Bottom of Sofas and Chairs. If you Neglect your Education and Learn to Chew plug Tobacco, maybe you will be a Statesman some time. Some Statesmen go to Congress and some go to Jail. But it is the Same Thing, after all. J- THE NASTY TOBACCO "\A/HAT is the Nasty looking Object? It is a " ' Chew of Tobacco. Oh, how Naughty it is to Use the Filthy Weed. It makes the teeth black, and Spoils the parlor Carpet. Go quick and Throw the horrid Stuff away. Put it in the Ice Cream Freezer or in the Coffee Pot, where Nobody can See it. Little girls, you Should never chew Tobacco. J- THE AWFUL BTJOABOO OH, what a Bad Mamma to Leave Little Esther all Alone in the Dark Room. No wonder Es- ther is Crying. She is afraid a Big Bugaboo will come down the Chimney and Eat her up. Bugaboos like to Eat little Children. Did you ever see a Buga- boo with its Big Fire Eyes and Cold Teeth all over Blood? The next Time Mamma leaves you Alone in a Dark room, perhaps One will Come to Eat you. 40 The Complete Tribune Primer -l^oi'^ THE DEEP WELL npHE Well is very Dark and Deep. There is Nice 1 Cool Water in the Well. If you Lean way Over the Side, maybe you will Fall in the Well and down in the Dear Water. We will Give you some Candy if you will Try. There is a Sweet Little Birdie in the bottom of the Well. Your Mamma would be Surprised to find you in the Well, would she not ? Eugene Field 41 PAPA BEADING IT OW nice Papa looks sitting by the Fire reading the Pohce Gazette. He is very fond of Litera- ture. See how absorbed he is. There is a Torpedo on the Mantel Piece. Take it Down and Throw it at Papa's bald Head. That is right. Papa is not as Absorbed as he was. He seems to be Hunting for a Strap. 42 The Complete Tribune Primer T/vt's t^s-fckeGiVl ts Willi'dtM. WILLIAM AND THE GIBL '"pHE Girl has pretty Eyes and Red Lips. She is going to Take a Walk in the Star Lit Glen, where the Cricket chirps in the Hedge and the Jiggers play in the grass. William is Going to Walk in the Glen, too. He will Meet the Girl and they will Talk about the Weather. We wouldn't Give a Cent for that Piece of Court Plaster on the Girl's chin by the Time the Girl gets Back home. Eugene Field 43 THE OCCtJPIED BOY THE Boy is Sitting Down eating Jam. His Mamma is coming through the Door. The Boy will stand up, the Next bowl of Jam he Eats. 44 The Complete Tribune Primer THE BABY Eugene Field 45 THE BABY LJERE we have a baby. It is composed of a Bald Head and a Pair of Lungs. One of the Lungs takes a Rest while the Other runs the Shop. One of them is always On Deck all of the Time. The Baby is a Bigger man than his Mother. He likes to Walk around with his Father at Night. The Father does Most of the Walking and All of the Swearing. Little Girls, you will Never Know what it is to be a Father. J* THE BLIND MAN np HE old Man is Blind and cannot See. He holds his Hat in his Hand and there is a Dime in the Hat. Go up quietly and Take the Dime out of the Hat. The Man cannot See you. Next Sunday you can put the Dime in the Sabbath School box and the Teacher will Praise you. Your Papa will put some Money in the Contribution box, too. He will put More in than you do. But his Opportuni- • ties for Robbing are better than yours. J- THE BOIL ^HIS is a Boil. It is on the Man's Neck. Would you like to Feel it? If you Do, the Man will Feel it, too. The Boil is a mean Thing, and it is a Coward. If you strike it, it will Run. But the Man will not Run. He will Dance and make Re- marks. Boils may start Way down near a little Boy's waist-band, but they always come to a Head at last. 46 The Complete Tribune Primer -^O^tY^. THE PEACH 'T^HE Peach is hard and Green. He is Waiting for a Child to Come along and eat him. When he gets into the Child's little Stomach he will Make things Hot for that Child. The Child Who eats the Peach will Be an Angel before he Gets a Chance to Eat another. If there were No green Peaches there would not be so many Children's Sizes of Gold Harps in Heaven. Eugene Field 47 THE WASP SEE the Wasp. He has pretty yellow Stripes around his Body, and a Darning Needle in his Tail. If you Will Pat the Wasp upon the Tail, we will Give You a Nice Picture Book. • 48 The Complete Tribune Primer THE PROtTD MAN 'T*HIS is the Man who has had a Notice in the ^ Paper. How Proud he is. He is Stepping Higher than a Bhnd Horse. If he had Wings he would Fly. Next week the Paper will say the Man is a Measly Old Fraud, and the Man will not Step so High. Eugene Field 49 THE PRINTER DEHOLD the Printer. He is Hunting for a ^ Pickup of half a Line. He has Been Hunting for Two Hours. He could have Set the half Line in Twenty Seconds, but it is a Matter of Principle with him Never to set what he Can pick up. The Printer has a Hard time. He has to Set Type all Night, and Play Pedro for the Beer all day. We would Like to Be a Printer were it not for the Night Work. 50 The Complete Tribune Primer THE FIVE-CENT CIGAR Eugene Field 51 THE FIVE-CENT CiaAK \A7HAT Smells so? Has somebody been burn- ing a Rag, or is there a Dead Mule in the Back yard? No, the Man is Smoking a Five-Cent Cigar. The Cigar has a Breath on him like the Chimes of Normandy or a salivated cheese Factory. It is strong enough to raise a mortgage or Lick a postage stamp. The man will chew a piece of Asa- fetida by and by to take the Taste of the Cigar out of his Mouth. THE PICNIC AND THE PIE 11 ERE we have a Picnic. Is it not Jolly? The ^ ^ children are Running around and Playing Tag. But where is the Custard Pie? A moment ago it was Under the Elm Tree. Can it be that Mr. Jones is Sitting on the Custard Pie ? Alas, it is too True ! And Miss Smith is laughing at him. He looks as Badly Broke up as the Pie', does he Not ? DAIST AND JAIIES pvAISY is crying. Poor little Girl, we are Sorry ^-^ for her. James has Hit her in the Eye with a Dornick. Fie on James to Do so, and Fie on Daisy not to Hit him back. Will Daisy pray for James to-night ? No. She will Pull the Slats from his Bed, so he will Fall and Break his Arm on the Floor. That will be Right, will it not. Children? 52 The Complete Tribune Primer THE PIECE OF TRIPE IT is a Piece of Tripe. When it has been Fried, * the Man will Eat it. Then he will Go to Bed and Dream of his Mother-in-Law and other Awful things. Tripe is Nice to Eat just Before you want to Die. Little children never Eat any Kind of Meat at supper unless they Want to Dream about getting Spanked. Eugene Field 53 THE HIRED GIKL THIS is an Hired Girl. She has Something in her Hand. It is a Can, and there is Coal Oil inside. The Hired Girl is going to Light a Fire in the Kitchen Stove. She has been Disappointed in Love, and Desires to Die. She will Put some of the Oil in the Stove, and Light it with a Match. In about half a Minute she will be Twanging a Gold Harp among the Elect in Heaven. 54 The Complete Tribune Primer THE LAMP-POST Eugene Field 55 THE LAMP-POST CEE the Lamp-Post. By its Dim Rays you can ■^ Behold the Electric Light across the Street. There is a Man Leaning against the Lamp-Post. Perhaps the Lamp-Post would Fall if it Were not For the Man. At any rate the Man would Fall if it Were not For the Lamp- Post. What is the Mat- ter with the Man? He appears disquieted. He is Trying to Work his Boots up Through his Mouth. He will have a Headache to-morrow, and Lay it to the Altitude. THE CANAK7 BIRD npHE Canary Bird is Lonesome in the Cage. He ^ has Drawn one of his Little Legs up So High you can See it Sticking Through his Back. Poor Birdie ! Are you not Sorry for Him ? Suppose you Let him out of the Nasty Cage. Kitty is in the Next Room. Call her in to see Birdie. She will be glad to see Birdie. Will Birdie be Glad to see Kitty? T THE FOTTBTH COBPOBAI. HIS is a Fourth Corporal. He Walks stiff Legged behind a Company of Soldiers and Car- ries a Musket at Half-Mast. He is fond of Human Blood and Delights in Carnage. Has the Fourth Corporal ever been in a War? No. Then what does he Know about War? He has a Cousin who Married a Man by the Name of Gunn. 56 The Complete Tribune Primer THE LAP THE Mother has made a Lap. The Boy is in the Lap. He is Looking at the Carpet. What has the Mother in her Hand ? She has a Shingle in her Hand. What will she Do with the Shingle? She will Put it Where it will Do the Most Good. Eugene Field 57 MA&GHB AND THE GAS MAMMA has gone out of the Room and Left Little Maggie in Bed all alone. The Gas is Burning, and Maggie cannot go to Sleep. What shall she do? She should Crawl out of Bed, go to the Bureau, and Blow out the Gas. Then she can go to Sleep like a Good Little Girl. That is what you would do, is it not, Dear Little Children? 58 The Complete Tribune Primer DELIVER SALARY BACK POOR THE EDITOR'S HOME Eugene Field 59 THE EDITOR'S HOME IIERE is a Castle. It is the Home of an Editor. * It has stained Glass windows and Mahogany stairways. In front of the Castle is a Park. Is it .not Sweet ? The lady in the Park is the editor's wife. She wears a Costly robe of Velvet trimmed with Gold Lace, and there are Pearls and Rubies in her Hair. The editor sits on the front Stoop smoking an Havana Cigar. His li'-tle Children are playing with diamond Marbles on the Tesselated Floor. The editor can afford to Live in Style. He gets Seventy-Five Dollars a month Wages. A LITTLE NOVEL /^ NCE there was a Little Girl who Lived all By ^^ Herself on a Lone Island. She was Often- times very Lonesome and as she Grew up she Longed for a Sweet Heart, but as there was nobody Else on the Island, of Course she could not Have a Beau. She had Four little Girl Babies and Three little Boy babies and She Gave them all the Candy they wanted. One day as she was giving them Some Candy, a Brave Young Prince landed on the Island and Seeing Her fell in Love with Her. She had never Seen a Man before and she did not Know what to say when he Asked her to Marry him. "What will Become of My little Daughter Bella ? " she asked. " She can Marry my Father, the King," said the Prince. So they All went to Church and were Married and Lived on the Lone Island happily to the End of their Lives. 6o The Complete Tribune Primer THE DRAMATIC CRITIC Eugene Field 6i THE DRAMATIC CRITIC npHE Dramatic critic is Asleep. The play Does not Interest him. He will give it Thunder in the Paper. The Actors will be Sorry when they Read the Paper because it will Say they are not Artists. After the Play, the Critic will go to the Variety Show. Will he Sleep there? No, he will Not. The lady in the Short Dress and Pink Tights will Buy six Copies of the Paper in the Morning because the Critic will Say she is an Artist. It is very Comfortable to be an Artist when there are Critics in the Neighborhood. THE RED HOT STOVE 'T'HE Stove is Red Hot. Run, Ella, and get the Caster and put some Red Pepper on the Stove. Then when Mamma comes in, She will be Red Hot too THE FLY npHE Fly is walking on the Window. Now he ' has Stopped to think, and he is Running his Legs through his Hair. Can we not Do something to Entertain the fly? Suppose we Catch him and Squeeze some of his Insides out on a Piece of Paper and Let him go. The paper will Follow the Fly all over the House, and will Serve as a frightful Ex- ample to the other Flies. 62 The Complete Tribune Primer THE PROG 'T~*HE Frog is Sitting on the Log. He is Wait- ing for a Fly to come Along. He has Business with the Fly. While he is Waiting let us Have some Fun with him. Put a Lighted Fire-Crackev in his Mouth. Where is the Frog now? Whv, there He is in the Water with his Ears blown out. Why does he not Come back to the Log? Perhaps he has Forgotten all about the Fly. Eugene Field 63 -^Olf^ THE SUGAR BOWL \AJ HO Put the Salt in the Sugar bowl ? Mamm« is anxious to Find out. Willie is Busy look- ing out of the Window. Can you guess what he is thinking about? Perhaps he is Wondering what Mamma will Give him before he Goes to Bed with- out his Supper. If we were Willie, we would Feel safer with a Latin Grammar in the Seat of our Pants. 64 The Complete Tribune Primer ^O^^v^ The joke and the minstrel Eugene Field 65 THS ;OKB AXD THE BEINSTBEL 11 ERE we have a Joke and a Man. The Joke is ■^ very Old. It is Bald and Toothless. It must Be about one Thousand years Old. The Man wears a Big Diamond and a Shiny plug Hat. He is a Negro Minstrel. Go and give the Old, Old Joke to him and he will Take care of it very Tenderly. It is his Business. He gets Forty dollars a week for it. THE HEBDIC 'T^HIS is a Herdic. What is the Sign on the ^ Herdic? The Sign tells us the Herdic is full. Oh, who would not gladly be a Herdic ? A NAXTGHTY MAMBtA ■DENNIE is Lying in the Cradle and he is Crying. ^ He is Crying because Mamma will not give him The Moon. What a Naughty Mamma not to Give her little Boy the Moon! But Mamma does not care how much Bennie Cries. She has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder, 66 The Complete Tribune Primer - ^et— THE AWFUL BUGABOO Eugene Field 119 THE AW^TIL BUGABOO npHERE was an awful Bugaboo * Whose Eyes were Red and Hair was Blue; His Teeth were Long and Sharp and White And he went Prowling 'round at Night. A little Girl was Tucked in Bed, A pretty Night Cap on her Head ; Her Mamma heard her Pleading Say, " Oh, do not Take the Lamp away ! " But Mamma took away the Lamp And oh, the Room was Dark and Damp ; The little Girl was Scared to Death — She did not Dare to Draw her Breath. And all at Once the Bugaboo Came Rattling down the Chimney Flue; He Perched upon the little Bed And scratched the Girl until she bled. He drank the Blood and Scratched again — The little Girl cried out in Vain — He picked Her up and Off he Flew — This Naughty, Naughty Bugaboo! So, children, when in Bed to-night, Don't let them Take away the Light, Or else the Awful Bugaboo May come and Fly away with You! I20 Conky Stiles CONKY STILES A CONCORDANCE A S near as I could find out, nobody ever knew ^^ how Conky Stiles came to know as much of the Bible as he did. Thirty years ago people as a class were much better acquainted with the Bible than folks are nowadays, and there wasn't another one of 'em in the whole Connecticut valley, from the Canada line to the Sound, that could stand up 'long- side of Conky Stiles and quote Scripture. Well, he knew the whole thing by heart — from Genesis, chap- ter first, to the Amen at the end of the Revelation of St. John the Divine; that's the whole business in a nutshell ! His name wasn't Conky ; we called him Conky for short. His real name was Silas Stiles, but one time at a Sunday-school convention, Mr. Hubbell, the minister, spoke of him as a " veritable concordance of Holy Scriptures," and so we boys undertook to call him " Concordance," but bimeby that name got whittled down to " Conky," and " Conky " stuck to him all the rest of his life. When Conky was eight years old he got the prize at our Sunday-school for having committed to memory the most Bible verses in the year, and that same spring he got up and recited every line of Acts of Apostles without having to be prompted once. By the time he was twelve years old he knew the whole Bible by heart, and most of the hymn Eugene Field 121 book, too, although, as I have said, the Bible was his specialty. Conky was always hearty and cheery ; we all felt good when he was round. We never minded the way he had of quotin' things from the Bible. It was like this : Conky, we'll say, would be goin' down the road, and I'd come out of the house and holler : " Hello, there, Conky ! where be you goin' ? " Then he'd say: "John xxii. 3."* That would be all he'd say, and that would .be enough ; for it gave us to understand that he was goin' a-fishin'. Conky never made a mistake ; his quotations were always right. The habit grew on him as he got older. Asso- ciating with Conky for fifteen or twenty minutes wasn't much different from readin' the Bible for a couple of days, except that there wa'n't any man- ual labor about it. I guess he'd have been a min- ister, if the war hadn't come along and spoiled it all. In the fall of 1862 there was a war meetin' in the town-hall, and Elijah Cutler made a speech urgin' the men folks to come forward and contribute their services — their lives, if need be — to the cause of freedom and right. We were all keyed up with excitement, for next to Wendell Phillips and Henry Ward Beecher, I guess that Elijah Cutler was the greatest orator that ever lived. While we ■ were shiverin' and waitin' for somebody to lead off, Conky Stiles rose up and says : " i Kings xix. 20," * "Simon Peter saith unto them, I go afishing . . ." 122 Conky Stiles says he, and with that he put on his hat and walked out of the meetin'. " Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee." That's what Conky said, or as good as said, and that's what he meant, too. He didn't put off his religion when he put on his uniform. Conky Stiles, soldier or civilian, was al- ways a livin', walkin' encyclopedy of the Bible, a human compendium of psalms and proverbs and texts ; and I had that confidence in him that I'd have bet he wrote the Bible himself if I hadn't known better and to the contrary. We were with McClellan a long spell. There was a heap of sickness among the boys, for we weren't used to the climate, and most of us pined for the comforts of home. Lookin' back over the thirty years that lie between this time and that, I see one figure loomin' up, calm and bright and beautiful, in the midst of fever and sufferin' and privation and death ; I see a homely, earnest face, radiant with sympathy and love and hope, and I hear Conky Stiles' voice again speaking comfort and cheer to all about him. We all loved him ; he stood next to Mr. Lincoln and General McClellan in the heart of everybody in the regiment. They sent a committee down from our town, one Thanksgiving time, to bring a lot of good things, and to see how soon we were going to capture Richmond. Mr. Hubbell, the minister, was one of them. Deacon Cooley was another. There was Eugene Field 123 talk at one time that Conky had a soft spot in his heart for the deacon's eldest girl, Tryphena, but I always allowed that he paid as much attention to the other daughter, Tryphosa, as he did to her elder sister, and I guess he hadn't any more hankerin' for one than he had for the other, for when the com- mittee come to go home, Conky says to Deacon Cooley : " Well, good-by, Deacon," says he, " Ro- mans xvi. 12." * The histories don't say anything about the skir- mish we had with the rebels at Churchill's Bridge, along in May of '64, but we boys who were there remember it as the toughest fight in all our experi- ence. They were just desperate, the Confederates were, and — well, we were mighty glad that the night came, for a soldier can retreat in the dark with fewer chances of interruption. Out of our com- pany of one hundred and fifty, only sixty were left. You can judge from that of what the fighting was at Churchill's Bridge. When they called the roll in camp next day, Conky Stiles wasn't there. Had we left him dead at the bridge, or was he wounded, dying the more awful death of hunger, thirst, and neglect? One said : " Let's go back for Conky ! " A detachment of cavalry went out to reconnoiter. Only the ruins of the preceding day remained where we boys had stood and stood and stood — only to be repulsed at last. Bluecoats and graycoats lay side by side and over against one another in the recon- * ' ' Salute Tryphsena and Tryphosa who labor in the Lord." 124 Conhy Stiles ciling peace of death. Occasionally a maimed body, containing just a remnant of life, was found, and one of these crippled bodies was what was left of Conky. When the surgeon saw the minie hole there in his thigh, and the saber gash here in his temple, he shook his head, ^nd we knew what that meant. We heard Conky's voice once again. For when, just at the last, he opened his eyes and saw that we were there, he smiled, feeble like, and the grace of the Book triumphed once more within him, and he says — it seemed almost like a whisper, he spoke so low: " Good-by, boys; 2 Timothy iv. 7." And then, though his light went out, the sublime truth of his last words shone from his white, peace- ful face : " I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith ! " Eugene Field 127 THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS IT befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will never again, by grace of Heaven, afHict mankind — in this year it befell that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto his evil pleasance. Vj OW wit you well that this friar had grievously ^ offended the devil, for of all men then on earth there was none more holier than he nor none surer to speak and to do sweet charity unto all his fellows, in every place. Therefore it was that the devil wa? sore wroth at the Friar Gonsol, being mightily plagued not only by his teachings and his preach- ings, but also by the pious works which he continu- ally did do. Right truly the devil knew that by no common temptations was this friar to be moved, for the which reason did the devil seek in dark and troublous cogitations to bethink him of some new instrument wherewith he might bedazzle the eyes and ensnare the understanding of the holy man. On a sudden it came unto the fiend that by no cor- poreal allurement would he be able to achieve his miserable end, for that by reason of an abstemious life and a frugal diet the Friar Gonsol had weaned his body from those frailties and lusts to which 128 The Story oi the Two Friars human flesh is by nature of the old Adam within it disposed, and by long-continued vigils and by earnest devotions and by godly contemplations and by divers proper studies had fixed his mind and his soul with exceeding steadfastness upon things unto his eternal spiritual welfare appertaining. There- fore it beliked the devil to devise and to compound a certain little booke of mighty curious craft, where- with he might be like to please the Friar Gonsol and, in the end, to ensnare him in his impious toils. Now this was the way of the devil's thinking, to wit : This friar shall suspect no evil in the booke, since never before hath the devil tempted mankind with sUfch an instrument, the common things where- with the devil tempteth man being (as all histories show and all theologies teach) fruit and women and other like things pleasing to the gross and perish- able senses. Therefore, argueth the devil, when I shall tempt this friar with a booke he shall be taken off his guard and shall not know it to be a tempta- tion. And thereat was the devil exceeding merry and he did laugh full merrily. V[OW presently came this thing of evil unto the ^ friar in the guise of another friar and made a proper low obeisance unto the same. But the Friar Gonsol was not blinded to the craft of the devil, for from under the cloak and hood that he wore there did issue the smell of sulphur and of brimstone which alone the devil hath. Eugene Field 129 " Beshrew me," quoth the Friar Gonsol, " if the odour in my nostrils be spikenard and not the fumes of the bottomless pit ! " " Nay, sweet friar," spake the devil full courte- ously, " the fragrance thou perceivest is of frank- incense and myrrh, for I am of holy orders and I have brought thee a righteous bboke, delectable to look upon and profitable unto the reading." Then were the eyes of that Friar Gonsol full of bright sparklings and his heart rejoiced with ex- ceeding joy, for he did set most store, next to his spiritual welfare, by bookes wherein was food to his beneficial devouring. " I do require thee," quoth the friar, " to shew me that booke that I may know the name thereof and discover whereof it treateth." 'T~*HEN shewed the devil the booke unto the friar, ^ and the friar saw it was an uncut unique of incalculable value; the height of it was half a cubit and the breadth of it the fourth part of a cubit and the thickness of it five barleycorns lacking the space of three horsehairs. This booke con- tained, within its divers picturings, symbols and similitudes wrought with incomparable craft, the same being such as in human vanity are called proof before letters, and imprinted upon India paper; also the book contained written upon its pages, divers names of them that had possessed it, all these having in their time been mighty and illustrious 130 The Story of the Two Friars personages; but what seemed most delectable unto the friar was an autographic writing wherein 'twas shewn that the booke sometime had been given by Venus di Medici to Apollos at Rhodes. yA/HEN therefore the Friar Gonsol saw the " ' booke how that it was intituled and im- printed and adorned and bounden, he knew it to be of vast worth and he was mightily moved to possess it; therefore he required of the other (that was the devil) that he give unto him an option upon the same for the space of seven days hence or until such a time as he could inquire concerning the booke in Lowndes and other such like authorities. But the devil, smiling, quoth : " The booke shall be yours without price provided only you shall bind your- self to do me a service as I shall hereafter specify and direct." VI OW- when the Friar Gonsol heard this compact, ^ ^ he knew for a verity that the devil was indeed the devil, and but that he sorely wanted the booke he would have driven that impious fiend straight- way from his presence. Howbeit, the devil, prom- ising to visit him again that night, departed, leaving the friar exceeding heavy in spirit, for he was both assotted upon the booke to comprehend it and as- sotted upon the devil to do violence unto him. Eugene Field 131 I T befell that in his doubtings he came unto the Friar Francis, another holy man that by con- tinual fastings and devotions had made himself an ensample of piety unto all men, and to this sancti- fied brother did the Friar Gonsol straightway un- fold the story of his temptation and speak fully of the wondrous booke and of its divers richnesses. \A/ HEN that he had heard this narration the Friar Francis made answer in this wise : " Of great subtility surely. is the devil that he hath set this snare for thy feet. Have a care, my brother, that thou fallest not into the pit which he hath digged for thee ! Happy art thou to have come to me with this thing, elsewise a great mischief might have befallen thee. Now listen to my words and do as I counsel thee. Have no more to do with this devil ; send him to me, or appoint with him another meeting and I will go in thy stead." " Nay, nay," cried the Friar Gonsol, " the saints forefend from thee the evil temptation provided for my especial proving ! I should have been reckoned a weak and coward vessel were I to send thee in my stead to bear the mortifications designed for the trying of my virtues." " But thou art a younger brother than I," rea- soned the Friar Francis softly ; " and, firm though thy resolution may be now, thou art more like than I to be wheedled and bedazzled by these diabolical wiles and artifices. So let me know where this 132 The Story of the Two Friars devil abideth with the booke; I burn to meet him and to wrest his treasure from his impious pos- session." But the Friar Gonsol shook his head and would not hear unto this vicarious sacrifice whereon the good Friar Francis had set his heart. " Ah, I see that thou hast little faith in my strength to combat the fiend," quoth the Friar Fran- cis reproachfully. " Thy trust in me should be greater, for I have done thee full many a kindly office; or, now I do bethink me, thou art assotted on the booke ! Unhappy brother, can it be that thou dost covet this vain toy, this frivolous bauble, that thou wouldst seek the devil's compan- ionship anon to compound with Beelzebub? I charge thee, Brother Gonsol, open thine eyes and see in what a slippery place thou standest." Now by these argumentations was the Friar Gon- sol mightily confounded, and he knew not what to do. " Come, now, hesitate no longer," quoth the Friar Francis, " but tell me where that devil may be found — I burn to see and to comprehend the booke — ^not that I care for the booke, but that I am grievously tormented to do that devil a sore despight ! " " Odds boddikins," quod the other friar, " me- seemeth that the booke inciteth thee more than the devil." " Thou speakest wrongly," cried the Friar Fran- cis. " Thou mistakest pious zeal for sinful selfish- Eugene Field 133 ness. Full wroth am I to hear how that this devil walketh to and fro, using a sweet and precious booke for the temptation of holy men. Shall so righteous an instrument be employed by the prince of heretics to so unrighteous an end ? " " Thou sayest wisely," quoth the Friar Gonsol, " and thy words convince me that a battaile must be made with this devil for that booke. So now I shall go to encounter the fiend ! " " Then by the saints I shall go with thee ! " cried the Friar Francis, and he gathered his gown about his loins right briskly. DUT when the Friar Gonsol saw this he made great haste to go alone, and he ran out of the door full swiftly and fared him where the devil had appointed an appointment with him. Now wit you well that the Friar Francis did follow close upon his heels, for though his legs were not so long he was a mighty runner and he was right sound of wind. Therefore was it a pleasant sight to see these holy men vying with one another to do battle with the devil, and much it repenteth me that there be some ribald heretics that maintain full enviously that these two saintly friars did so run not for the devil that they might belabor him, but for the booke that they might possess it. TT fortuned that the devil was already come to the place where he had appointed the appointment. 134 The Story of the Two Friars and in his hand he had the booke foresaid. Much marveled he when that he beheld the two friars far- ing thence. " I adjure thee, thou devil," said the Friar Gon- sol from afar off, " I adjure thee give me that booke else I will take thee by thy horns and hoofs and drub thy ribs together ! " " Heed him not, thou devil," said the Friar Fran- cis, " for it is I that am coming to wrestle with thee and to overcome thee for that booke ! " With such words and many more the two holy friars bore down upon the devil; but the devil thinking verily that he was about to be beset by the whole church militant stayed not for their coming, but presently departed out of sight and bore the booke with him. J- \ T OW many people at that time saw the devil flee- ^^ ing before the two friars, so that, esteeming it to be a sign of special grace, these people did ever thereafter acknowledge the friars to be saints, and unto this day you shall hear of St. Gonsol and St. Francis. Unto this day, too, doth the devil, with that same booke wherewith he tempted the friar of old, beset and ensnare men of every age and in all places. Against wliich devil may Heaven fortify us to to battle speedily and with successful issuance. 136 James and Reginald JAMES AND REGINALD Eugene Field 137 JAMES AND REGINALD /^NCE upon a Time there was a Bad boy whose ^^ Name was Reginald and there was a Good boy whose Name was James. Reginald would go Fishing when his Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the Cat's Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James was always Obedient, and when his Mamma told him not to Help an old Blind Man across the street or Go into a Dark Room where the Boogies were, he always Did What She said. That is why they Called him Good James. Well, by and by, along Came Christmas. Mamma said. You have been so Bad, my son Reginald, you will not Get any Pres- ents from Santa Claus this Year; but you, my Son James, will get Oodles of Presents, because you have Been Good. Will you Believe it. Children, that Bad boy Reginald said he didn't Care a Darn and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off the Piano just for Meanness. Poor James was so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an Hour after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald lay wide Awake until he saw James was Asleep and then he Said if these people think they can Fool me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa Claus came down the Chimney. He had Lots of Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald shut his Eyes and Pretended to be Asleep. Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and I will not Put any nice Things 138 James and Reginald in his Stocking. But as for you, James, I will Fill your Stocking Plum full of Toys, because You are Good. So Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh ! heaps and Heaps of Goodies in James' stock- ing, but not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald's stock- ing. And then he Laughed to himself and Said I guess Reginald will be Sorry to-morrow because he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up the chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now you can Bet your Boots Reginald was no Spring Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed and changed all those Toys and Truck from James' stocking into his own. Santa Claus will Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he Expects to get away with my Baggage. The next morning James got out of Bed and when He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush Fence. But when he found there was Nothing in his stocking and that Reginald's Stock- ing was as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy Christmas and James was very Miserable. After all. Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you Combine Intellect with Crime. Eugene Field 139 THANKSGIVING TALES FOR THE PROFIT OF THE NURSERY BRIGADE T^HIS little Boy looks as if he had On his Father's ^ clothes. Maybe he Has not had Anything to Eat for a Month. He is Sitting on a Stool. He is Waiting for Something. His hands are clasped over his Stomach. Can he be Waiting for his Thanksgiving Dinner? What a Queer little Boy to Wait so Patiently. If he were to Cry, he would get his Dinner Sooner, wouldn't he? II TN the Tureen there are two Gallons of Soup and * Eleven Cove oysters. Do not Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot, but it will not Burn you. If it is too Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do you like Cove oysters ? They are Baby oysters Taken out of the Shell before they are Hatched. Some People dry them and use them for Gun Wads. They are much more Digestible than sole leather. Ill \Ar HAT a Big Fat Turkey it is ! It must have ^ " eaten lots of Worms and Caterpillars to be so Fat. It is Stuffed with nice Stuffing made of Old Crusts and spoiled Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting. It does not Look like Tobacco Juice, 140 Thanksgiving Tales does it? The Innards of the Turkey have been Chopped up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was very Careful while Chopping up the In- nards, there is a Piece of her Finger in the Gravy, too. Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a Drum Stick, the Pope's Nose, a Side Bone, the Neck, some of the Breast, and the Wishbone. If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can you have some More. IV "npHE vegetables smell good. Two or three of these Onions would make you Stronger. Sup- pose you Try some of the Turnip and Squash. Pickled Beets are also Good to Eat just before go- ing to Bed. The mashed Potato is healthy when There are no Potato Bugs in it. They are very Plenty this Year. Will you put Some Jelly on Your Bread? How Mad it would Make your Big sister Jenny to Tip the Jelly over in her lap. Sup- pose you Try it as a Joke. V IT ERE we Have Some Venison. It may Taste a trifle Venerable for it has been hanging Up in the Shed for Several Weeks. But Papa says it is not Fly Blown, and Everything Goes on thanksgiv- ing Day. Once the Venison was a little Deer and lived in the Mountains. A man Caught it and Hung it up on a Tree and cut its poor little Throat and let it Bleed to Death. What a Bad Man. Per- Eugene Field 141 haps the Deer's baby deers are crying for their Mamma who will Never come. VI 'T* HE Hired Girl is bringing on the Pudding and ^ it is a Daisy. We mean the Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make Mamma give you a Big Piece of the Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If we Were you, we would Swallow the Plums whole and Then they will stay By You longer. When you have Eaten the Pudding, pick your little Dish up and Drink the Sauce. VII "THERE are Three Kinds of Pie— Cocoanut Pie, ^ Lemon Pie, and Mince Pie. They are the Only Kinds of Pie little children should Eat. You will do Well to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible under the circumstances would be Proper. The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in your Fingers. This is Liable to make Pretty little Spots on your Shirt Front. Do you suppose by Trying Hard you could Slip a Piece of the Lemon Pie into your Pocket to Eat after you go to Bed to-night ? VIII H, what Beautiful fruit! Apples, Oranges, Bananas, Grapes, Pears, and Figs! Make a Grab for them or you May not Get any. Good lit- tle children Eat grapes, skin and all. I wonder if O 142 Thanksgiving Tales the Figs have Worms in them. But never Mind: this is no Time for Questions. Your Mamma says Orange Juice will Stain your Frock, but it Will Not. What Fun it would be to Squirt some Orange Juice in the Dear Little Baby's Eyes ! IX A HA, here Comes the Ice Cream. About two Plates apiece will be Enough for the Children. Ice Cream is Funny Stuff. You eat it and feel it in your Eye. When you have Eaten all you Want, you will Find it right Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in your Fingers and Paddle it Around in your Tumbler of Water. X LjERE we Have the Nuts. They are good for Children. Crack them with your Teeth. Be sure to Drop the Shells on the Floor for the Cat to Eat. Do not Forget to put a Good Many in your Pocket for the Poor Little blind Girl who Lives around the Corner. XI T^HIS little Boy looks too Big for his Clothes. He must have been Measured when he Had the Ague. Mamma will Have to take off His Vest with a Button Hook to-night. What makes the Boy so pale? He has his Hands gathered together over his Diaphragm. Is the Boy Sick? The Boy is Sick. Maybe he has Swallowed something that does not Agree with Him. Eugene Field 143 XII \ A/HO is the Man coming through the Door? ' ' He is the Doctor. This is the Worst Symp- tom of the Boy's Illness we have Seen yet. How can the Boy get Well now? The Doctor asks Mamma how the Boy is. Mamma is crying. The Doctor says he can Fix the Boy. XIII HE Doctor has Fixed the Boy. XIV T IT ERE we have a Cemetery. Can you see the ^ Little grave Stone over there ? It is very Cute. There must be a Boy Planted somewhere Near it. Wouldn't you Like to be Planted under a Cute little Stone like That? Unless you do Justice to your Dinner to-day you cannot Hope for such a Reward of Merit. AW EPITAPH H ERE lies the body of Mary Ann, .Who rests in the bosom of Abraham. It's all very nice for Mary Ann, But it's mighty tough on Abraham.