sm\w Shuyi m v II illiir "^ f7> vm CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY GIFT OF Willard otrai ht Cornell University Library NC1428 .C72 College cuts. olin 3 1924 030 673 887 Pi Cornell University y Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924030673887 TO GEORGE DU MAURIER (IE HE WILL ACCEPT.) COLLEGE CUTS CHOSEN FROM THE COLUMBIA SPECTATOR 1880-81-82 BY F. BENEDICT HERZOG, H. McVICKAR, W. BARD McVICKAR, AND OTHERS. "Pereant Mi qui ante nos nostra fecerint." — Donatus. NEW YORK WHITE AND STOKES 1882 ^ Copyright, 1882, By WHITE & STOKES ABLE ONTENTS What's in a Name? A Society Man of the Day. Amenities Mathematical. A Delicate Distinction. page 9 IO II 12 13 PAGE True Modesty. 14 Ambiguous . 15 Early English (3 A.M.). . . .16 Mis-applied Metaphor. . . . 17 Le Coup de Grace. . . . .18 TABLE OF CONTENTS.— Continued. PAGE 1 9 Paternal Bliss. . 20 A Quandary. .... 21 Easily Satisfied 22 At "Del's." .... 23 Mutually Inconvenient. . 24 " None So Blind." 25 Biblical Instruction. . 26 Not to be Combined. 27 Latin Prosody. . 28 Utilising the "C. L. A.". 29 " Chiffons." • 3° Mt. Desert Sketches, I. 3 1 "Much Cry, Little Wool.". . • 3 2 A Class-Room Agony. . 33 Scorching. .... ■ 34 Mt. Desert Sketches, II. 35 At "The Huguenots." ■ 36 At the Polo Grounds. 31 An Explanation. . . 38 39 Misunderstood. . 40 41 Entirely Unintentional. . 42 Appreciation. . 43 Culture • 44 "Robbing Peter.'' 45 A Canvas-Back Monopoly. . . 4 6 An Old Time Cane Rush. 47 A Poser. .... . . 48 Not to be Caught. A Sinecure " Res Augusta Domi." Brilliant Beef vs. Brains. Mt. Desert Sketches — III. A Decided Objection. Whoa! The Snub. . ... " An III Wind." . Not Quite the Idea. Alcestis Reproduced. " De Gustibus." Well Returned. ' Little Pitchers." . Paternal Attentions. . Ill-Founded Apprehension. Just for Fun : At Tiffany's. .... Two of a Kind. " Portrait of a Gentleman." " lei on Parle Francais."- . " Extremes Meet.". . My Ducats — and My Brother ! A Provoking Mistake. "Coals to Newcastle." That Cross Captain Again. "Andante" or, "Ante." "Then as Now." '. True Economy. PAGE 49 50 Si 5 2 S3 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 7° 7i 7- 73 74 75 76 77 78 INTRODUCTION. FFERED ORIGINALLY UPON THE SHRINE OF COLLEGE JOURNALISM, THE FOLLOW- ING SKETCHES HAVE NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME BEEN COLLECTED IN A PERMANENT FORM. THIS STUDENT GROWTH, HAVING SURVIVED IN A COLLEGE WORLD THE FIRE OF AN UNDERGRADUATE CRITICISM WHOSE CANONS OF ART DO NOT GREATLY DIFFER FROM THOSE OF OUTER BARBARIANS, ONCE MORE PUTS FORTH ITS LEAVES. COLUMBIA COLLEGE, 1882. " WHA T'S IN A NAME ? " (Stella Basbleu, Vassar, '81, has just been relating some astounding astronomical facts and figures?) A. DULLSTON Sloeman (" never went in for that sort of thing, you know") : "I can now see how they found out the size and distance of the stars, but — by Jove ! I don't quite see how they ever found out their names:' A SOCIETY MAN OF THE DA Y. Mr. Van Smith (pointing toward a couple which he supposed to be in another room) : " Just look ! Is it not perfectly absurd for such boys to go out ? " MISS Rosebud (innocently): " Why, that's a mirror, not a door." (The young man has not appeared in public since.) 10 AMENITIES. Legrand Hautton : " Miss Beaumonde, my mother wants to know if you would like to sing at her musicale, next Thursday ? " Miss Beaumonde {"fishing ") : " I'm almost afraid ; you must tell her that I'm only a beginner." Legrand Hautton {who will not "bite"); " Oh! there's no need of my telling her ; she'll hear it herself." II MA THEM A TICAL. Father : " What time did you get home last night ? " SON : " At a quarter of twelve, sir." Father : " Don't tell me that, sir ; I was lying awake, and heard you come in at three, myself." SON (innocently) : " And isn't three a quarter of twelve, sir ? " 12 f^y WA\m/ r/WWmm A DELICATE DISTINCTION. VERE DE Vere POORE : " There's that lucky dog Nevvwed, who's just married a million ! " TOM Tinchacer : "Never marry for money, my boy; but if ever you meet a nice little girl with plen- ty of tin, try to love her." 13 TRUE MODESTY. i Mr. Belvoir {just imported): "Yes, I've met some remarkably pretty girls since I arrived, but all very high strung. Your American beauty is too nervous." Miss Ingenue: "But /am not nervous, Mr. Bel- voir.'' AMBIGUOUS. Miss De TRACT : " That's Celeste Van Smith passing ; she's the homeliest girl in the room." Carroll Brownson : "Sh! you forget yourself." 15 EARLY ENGLISH (3 A.M.). Angela : " Sam, how dare you come home in such a condi- tion ? " Sam {with difficulty): "Didn't you have a tiling here last week, that you called a consummate affair, eh? Well, I thought I would have a too-t too." 16 MISAPPLIED METAPHOR. Ethel Newwed (nde Argent) : " You needn't look so cross, Archie ; you know that I can always wind you around my little finger." 17 I.E COUP DE GRACE. Mr. PRIGSBY (to fair Knickerbocker on a visit to Boston, for the third or fourth time) : " I've heard you are so awfully, ah, clever, you know." MISS SHARP : " Excuse me, Mr. Prigsby, you must have made a mistake ; for, I assure you, I'm next to an idiot." 18 WOMAN'S WIT. Jones: " Did you ever meet Beauvoir Robinson? A perfect fool, you know, but rich, and all that sort of thing. {Suddenly remembering he is talking to a Mrs. Robinson?) No relation, I hope ? " Mrs. Beauvoir Robinson: "Oh! no, not exactly a relation ; only a connection by marriage." 19 PA TERNAL BLISS. The TWO DARLINGS {with one voice to father who has just come home after an anxious day in Wall Street): "Oh, papa, papa, do come and see the worm we've caught ; we've got it in your box of cigars." 70 A QUANDARY. Miss Van Smith (writing a notice for the Sewing Society) : " Shall I say 'Babies supplied with outfits,' or ' Children supplied with outfits ? ' " Miss Brown: "Oh! It doesn't make any difference; whichever they take, they certainly want them without fits." EASIL Y SA TISFIED. Miss ROBINSON : " You have no idea how shaky I feel about this voyage — really, my heart is in my boots. By the way— haven't you any commission ; can't I do anything for you, Mr. Jones ? " Mr. Jones (an ardent admirer) : " No, nothing; but if you 4on't mind you might leave me — your boots." 22 AT "BEL'S." Caddish Brassleigh : "Bull, my boy, I don't see why you, who know me so well, won't lend me that hundred." Frank BULLION, Jr. {who has " been there" before): " It's just because I know you so well." 23 |jj ^rr? ^\ MUTUALLY INCONVENIENT. Mr. Bruyn: " I wish that puppy with the single glass wouldn't glare at the pretty widow so ! I can hardly look at her without meeting his eyes." Mr. Bohre: "Awfully bad form in that little cad to stare in that way. He positively spoils all my pleasure in looking at the girl in black." 24 "NONE SO BLIND," ETC. Brewster : " Mrs. Beaumonde's compliments, and she regrets that Miss Beaumonde is not at home." Caddish Brassleigh : " D'you know when she'll be back ? " Brewster : " When Mrs. Beaumonde says that Miss Leonie's ' Not at home,' it's impossible to say when she'll be back.'' 25 BIBLICAL INSTRUCTION. CURATE : " Now, my little man, can you tell me what it means when I say ' amen ' at the end of a prayer ? " Precocious Youth : " It means you're done for a little while, and the congregation can take a rest, sir." 26 NOT TO BE COMBINED. Celeste Van Smith : " I'm going to bring Mr. Hautton to the sewing class with us this morning. Why aren't you ready, dear ? " Pinky Rosebud : " I can't go this morning, love ; I have something I really must sew." 27 LATIN PROSODY. An example of an IAMBIC DlPODY ; that is, two small feet in a line, 28 UTILIZING THE "C. L.A." Hercules Misnomer (who has been posing for the artist): " You are getting up an illustrated history of the ' Columbia Lacrosse Association,' I suppose.'' The Artist : " Not exactly ! I am making a few sketches for a patent medicine trade-mark. By the way, yours will make an excellent ' Before Using.' " 29 "CHIFFONS." Mrs. Younghusband : "Well, dear, you see I'm all ready. It didn't take me much time to dress, did it?" Mr. Y,: "No; nor much dress." 3° MT. DESERT SKETCHES— NO. I. EVELINA and ADOLPHUS, having moored their skiff to an apparently untenanted sail-boat, which lay at anchor in the harbor, after upward of sixty minutes' sweet con- versation, are disagreeably surprised, not to say startled, by the sound of a suppressed giggle, and the sight of a thin, blue cloud of tobacco smoke arising from the aforesaid sail-boat. They suddenly discover that it is lunch time. 3 1 "MUCH CRY, LITTLE WOOL." The report of Caddish Brassleigh's heavy stock operations arose from his very evident anxiety to watch the market at the "ticker" during a recent "Bull" movement on the " Street." (// is our oivn private opinion that C. B. has never had a dollar to invest.) V- A CLASS-ROOM AGONY. Dedicated to those unfortunate men who " knew it perfectly be- fore they came into the room, but got so mixed up, you know." Professor : " Only ten minutes more, gentlemen!" 33 SCORCHING. Mr. Clay : " Helen ! Let me present Mr. Stiff." Miss Veribryght {to her cousin, in a loud aside) : "Do you think me a stove that you bring up this %reen stick f " 34 MT. DESERT SKETCHES— NO. II. He : " Don't you want to give yourself a weigh? " She {indignantly) : " No, I will not give myself away, even at Bar Harbor." 35 'UNI ill m HOftfS W*% Mir 1 -j P|p3!|g| EfcMl k| ■ j -*tH^§mB &£&• *i5nM& •T^HU^f^i sfe \| p y_ i/ 11 lli iiilAj ,4r " 7y/£ HUGUENOTS." Mr. Killer : " How very well Marcel sings this air." Miss Rosebud {wishing to appear an old stager) : "Oh I you mean the Marseillaise." 36 AT THE POLO GROUNDS. Chorus of Collegians [watching an exciting play) : " Tackle him ! Down with him ! Hurrah, he's down ! " Ancient Person (who is somewhat mixed, and not quite up in foot-ball terms') : " Imper'nentboysh ! Wha' if I am down ? — no excuse tell'er whole crowd about it.'' 37 AN EXPLANATION. Doctor : " I should think you would go in mourning for your wife, Pat. Here you are in those blue jean trousers again. Don't you ever wear anything else ? " Pat : " Well, you see, docther, I tuk wan hundred pair for a debt wanst, an' I most always wears 'em." 38 PLEASANT. Tom Tinchacer (has risked the investment, and taken a box at the opera for Friday night) : " Then I'll say good-by until Friday evening ? " Miss Edith Bullion : " Oh ! Mr. Tinchacer, I forgot ! It was so kind of you to ask Auntie and myself; but when I accepted I never remembered that I was to lead, with Mr. Hautton, at their German that night, and so I can't go with you. But Grandmamma loves music so much that I'm sure you and Auntie would not mind taking her in my place, would you ? " (What can T. T. say ?) 39 MISUNDERSTO OD. MlSS Mayfair (anxious to discover the opinion of the new curate on her favorite costume) : " I hope you don't disapprove of jerseys, Mr. Bullock ? " The Rev. Mr. Bullock (on his hobby): " Well no, not exactly, although my experience leads me to prefer ' short-horns.' " 40 "CAUSE AND EFFECT." Celeste Van Smith: " Have you heard that Mr. Hunter was run over this morning and killed ? " PlNKY ROSEBUD {embarrassed at passing the Knickerbocker Club) : " How shocking ! but I'm not surprised. He did look so pale yesterday.'' 41 ENTIRELY UNINTENTIONAL. Fair Umpire : " Only keep your head, Mr. Slasher, and you are sure to have a soft thing.' 1 42 APPRECIA TION. (At the Academy of Design?) {Rafael Brush is showing his portrait of Miss Beaumonde.~) MISS ROSEBUD : " I'd know the picture anywhere, even if vou hadn't told me who it was. Why ! it's almost as good as a photo- graph." {Imagine the feelings of Brush, who has taken up portraiture believing it to be the very highest walk in art.) 43 l-^" 1 CULTURE. Architect (to Mr. De Newvo Ritch, who is considering the front elevation of a projected residence) : " If you do not like those towers, Mr. Ritch, we can have them eliminated." Mr. De Newvo Ritch : " They're real han'some as they be ; but if 'liminatin' on 'em would make 'em han'somer, let's have 'em 'liminated." 44 "ROBBING PETER," ETC. Politician {anxious for every vote for his party) -. ■ Better throw away that ticket, John ; only a fool would vote for those rascals." Groom: "Will I give it to the 'ostler? It'll be good enough for him to use." 45 A CANVAS-BACK MONOPOLY. First Sportsman (who has shot nothing all day) : " Some fine game you've bagged there ! You couldn't let me have one as a personal favor, could you ? " Second Sportsman [likewise unfortunate): " Oh, no, couldn't think of it ! You see, I didn't buy these on speculation." 46 A CANE RUSH IN YE OLDEN TIME. 47 A POSER. Mr. Bug Bruyn : " You wouldn't believe it, but I'm very con- ceited, you know." Miss Cutting ; " Indeed !— About what, Mr. Bruyn? " 48 NOT TO BE CAUGHT. Mr. Brown : " Well, young man, what are your inten- tions in regard to my daughter ? " Fred. Fickle (who has been a frequent visitor) : " My intentions are honorable ; but do not fear — not at all mat- rimonial." (He stops his visits.) 49 A SINECURE. Sandwich-man (to Mr. Smythe of Columbia, who thinks it is the correct thing to wear his cap and gown in the street, as " they do it abroad, you know") : "I say, but you have an aisy place- Phut are you advertoisin', any way ? " SO "RES ANGUSTA DOM/." Oft had we met within the park ; I am a sophomore, gay (and dark). She was a " bute," an angel fair, And had the ires chic " baby stare.'' One day 'twas blowing hard. The gale Tore from her derby hat the veil. I happened by, and saw it fly, And thanked kind Jove that I was nigh. The veil lights at my feet. I stand Erect, nor lift it to her hand ; She smiles — waits, wonders "Why? " Oh fool I /"wear tight trousers built by Poole. 51 BRILLIANT! (Scene — Reading-room of a Club.) Mr. Slow : " Another girl married — Kate Thorne ! Isn't it too bad, so many more girls marry than men ? " S2 BEEF VS. BRAINS. Bob Rowlock : "I say, Walter, what's the reason that fellow ran away from me so ? " His Trainer : " Well, if you young fellows will sit up at night and study and poke over books, you can't expect to be any good in a race, nohow.'' S3 MT. DESERT SKETCHES— NO. III. (Briggs is paddling the mother of the idol of his affections over to "Bald Porcupine" while said idol is in. another man's canoe!) SHE : " Oh! isn't this sublime ! It's just'like a ' life on the ocean wave.' Oh ! Adolphus, do paddle a little faster ; I could go on this way forever." But Adolphus thinks that about two minutes more will finish him. 54 A DECIDED OBJECTION. Miss Chatterton : " How very pleasant the opera would be, if they would only do away with the singing ! " 55 WHOA! Belle Brownson (to Mr. Bohre, who, having announced his intention of leaving Atlantic City the night before, stays over in order to take some equestrian exercise) : "Aren't you off yet ? " Mr. Bohre : " N-n-no, n-not yet." 56 THE SNUB. A YOUTHFUL, cheeky freshman he. She had seen several seasons. " Sure all men should at college be," Quoth Fresh — and gave his reasons. " I hope your elder brother went," He says, and waits an answer. Grieving for time so badly spent, She wishes for a dancer. A real man now comes up. Oh joy ! He asks to tread a measure. " My brother went when quite a boy," She answers him — " With pleasure.' 57 "AN ILL WINDP Mamma : " Did you enjoy your ride, Elise ? " ELISE : " No, mamma, and reason enough ; for Connie James says the Van Smiths are going to give a dance, and we're not asked." MAMMA : " Well, my dear, your poor aunt's death was providential — of course we can't go." 58 NOT QUITE THE IDEA. Poker Club Member (feeling a twinge of con- science) : " I say, Tom, what a lot of time a man does waste during the term, playing cards ! " Ditto (not catching the point) : " Yes, especially while shuffling.'' 59 ALCESTIS REPRODUCED. HP. ' Ovkovv ttjv liyav \vn-qv d<£f!s tiUi fi(6' rjjiav rdirS' vnepfiaKav Trv\as trretpdvois TrvKafT&eis ,' (Owing to sudden illness at the last moment, Harry Heaviwaite, '83, was unable to appear as Hercules. Maximilian Digwell, '84, agreed to take his part, being the only other man in college who would undertake to learn the lines.) 60 "DE GUSTIBUS," ETC. Lilly ue Jones : " Why, Mr. Ncwmode, is that you ? I thought it was the groom." (Imagine the feelings of Sartorions Newmode, who prides himself on his English overcoat?) 61 tf HELL RETURNED. RECTOR : " No, my dear, it is impossible to preach any kind of a sermon to such a congregation of asses." Miss 1'oslr: "And is that why you called them 'Dearly be- loved brethren ? ' " 62 ''LITTLE PITCHERS," ETC. MR. BULLION : " And so, my little man, you've heard of me before ? " Young Hopeful of the House of Borrowe [happy to display his knowledge) : " Oh ! yes. Papa says you're the greatest bore at the club, but he hn-s to put up with you as you lend him money." 63 PATERNAL ATTENTIONS. Angelina (Jo Edwin, ivho has been out all nighl) : '"What arc you doing with those herrings in your hat ? " Edwin: "Sh — don' make a row {hie). Don' yer see ? — makin' 'quarium for th' shillrun." 64 "ILL-FOUNDED APPREHENSION:' Youthful Bride : " Yes, opals are lovely, but they are so unlucky; they might make one die young. I never could wear them*" 6S Jack Strong (to seasick chum) : " I say, old fellow, you're not sick, are you ? " CHUM : " You don't suppose I'm doing it for fun, do you ?" 66 AT TIFFANY'S Edith Bullion : " Oh ! I've just bought my present for Kate Thome's wedding — a beautifully decorated dinner set for eighteen persons." Mrs. Tightfist : "Hm! I'm pricing a unique mustard-spoon for more than eighteen." 67 TWO OF A KIND {Scene I. At Home. Hour 10 P.M.) SALLIE (who wants to go to the Bal Masque) : " You don't look at all well, would you not better go to bed ? " GEORGE (who is wishing to do the same thing, jumps at the chance) : " Yes, I feel beastly ; think I'll retire.'' 68 (Scene II. At the Ball. Hour I A.M.) Sallie : " Oh, George, I thought you were too sick to come out ! " George : " Well, I recovered, and came in an ambulance. How did you get here ? " No. 217.— "PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN:' (I e. of NEWMAN, who, having come into an unexpected fortune, has so changed his appearance, by shaving off his beard, that he does not recognize any of his former friends.) 69 "ICI ON PARLE FRANqAIS?' FRESHMAN : " Waiter, what time is it, please ? " WAITER : " Je n'sais pas, M'sieu." Freshman : " Oh, is it as late as that ? I promised to be home before ten.'' 70 " EXTREMES MEET." Sadie Gushington : "Oh, Larry, let's go to see 'Camille' to-night! They say one has to cry so. We'll have a perfectly splendid time." 71 MY D UCA TS—AND MY BROTHER ! Mr. Portly : " Why, what's the matter, my boy ? " • ' • • ' • ' - • ' • • tj r ;' ' • • . r ' ' ■ ' " ' ' WEEPING Street A$ab :. ", I — 1= — I'let my bro— brother have le— en cents, and he's felled off'n the dock, and he's drownin'." ' Mr. Portly : " Drowning! We must run for help at once." Weeping Street Arab : " Ye— es. I wants them ten cents orful." 72 A PROVOKING MISTAKE. {Charlie, his sister Grace and her friend are skating together on the Polo Grounds!) Charlie : "This way of crossing arms is really very confusing." GRACE (after a moment's pause): "Stop squeezing my hand, Charlie." 73 "COALS TO NEWCASTLE." Miss Stella Basbleu, Vassar, '81 (leading up the conversation to her favorite author, Biclwcr): "Would you believe that I've met people who've asked me who wrote 'Richelieu ? ' " Miss Shallow (amazed at such gross ignorance): " What ! they didn't know it was Shakespeare?" Mr. Smalltalk (pitying, etc.) : " Well ! well ! didn't know THAT ! " 74 THAT CROSS CAPTAIN AGAIN. Mr. BOHRE : " Captain, how far have we gone since break- fast ? " CAPTAIN: " Don't know. Haven't seen a mile-stone since I've been on deck ! " 75 " AN(DAN)TE" OR "ANTE." Miss Hautton (passionately fond of music): "The other night Leonic Beaumonde sang and then we played Beethoven two and four handed. Aren't you very, very fond of playing Beethoven ? " Mr. de Jones : " I really don't know how, I only play/<&&«\" 76 — 1~ ~ i i - • r " — — tsgm, THEN AS NOW. The Squire \[who married f on money , and is beginning to repent): "What do vou think of that new horse of mine ? " His La'dyI,:"" Kwr horse ! .."It was bought , w i tla m y money." THE SQUIRE :>" Yes, Iknow, my,deaf ; and (with a 'sigh) it's Tiot the only ihingyour money's bought." 77 TRUE ECONOMY. MlSS SPUNGER (" looking over" the latest novels): " I shouldn't think that any one need buy novels, as one can always borrow them from a friend." 78 ,