CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 THIS BOOK IS ONE OF 
 A COLLECTION MADE BY 
 
 BENNO LOEWY 
 
 1854-1919 
 
 AND BEQUEATHED TO 
 CORNELL UNIVERSITY 
 
PR4443.C3M6""'"™"'"''""''^ 
 
 Miscellanea poetica. 
 
 3 1924 013 461 565 
 
The original of tliis bool< is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013461565 
 
MISCELLANEA POETICA. 
 
gebuat^b t* tk* £Hnsonic ^r*tkr*n. 
 
 MISCELLANEA POETICA. 
 
 BY 
 
 WALTER SCOTT QARMICHAEL, M.D., 
 
 EDINB U RGH, 
 P. M. AND P. Z. 
 
 :(!.' 
 
 Printed for Private Circulation by 
 COLSTON AND SON, PRINTERS, EDINBURGH. 
 
P^Ui%t3(p 
 
 COLSTON AND SON, PRINTERS, EDINBURGH. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 1 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Dedication, ...... 
 
 vii 
 
 Avunculus Ned, .... 
 
 I 
 
 Caudae Majorum (Nostrorum), 
 
 3 
 
 Ubique Cura, ..... 
 
 S 
 
 Senes Domi, ... 
 
 7 
 
 We Met, ...... 
 
 9 
 
 The Sweeps, . , ... 
 
 II 
 
 A Kiss, .... 
 
 13 
 
 The Cat, .... 
 
 IS 
 
 The Ghaist, . . . . 
 
 19 
 
 The Medium, ..... 
 
 22 
 
 The Clergyman, .... 
 
 26 
 
 The Landing of the Princess, 
 
 3° 
 
 The Student's Dream, . . ; . 
 
 34 
 
 The Fisherman, ..... 
 
 38 
 
vi CONTENTS. 
 
 
 
 
 The Nightmare, , 
 
 
 
 PAGE 
 
 40 
 
 The Widow's Daughter, 
 
 
 
 ■ . '^3 
 
 The Braw Wife, . 
 
 
 
 4S 
 
 The Little Fat Boy, 
 
 
 
 47 
 
 Trousers v. Kilts, 
 
 
 
 49 
 
 The Rev. Dr Gray, 
 
 
 
 52 
 
 The Origin of Man, 
 
 
 
 SS 
 
 The Flood ; or. The Celtic Chair, 
 
 
 
 59 
 
 My Boy Tammy, . 
 
 
 
 64 
 
 The Monks of Old, 
 
 
 
 68 
 
 The Golden Nose, 
 
 
 
 71 
 
 The Wee Hielant Inn, . 
 
 
 
 75 
 
 Our Medical Bills, 
 
 
 
 78 
 
 The Handsome Figure, . 
 
 
 
 80 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 To you, my Masonic Brethren, I dedicate this 
 little volume, and lay before you some Songs 
 which have given me much pleasure, both in the 
 composition and in the singing (sometimes hum- 
 ming them to myself as I walked along abstract- 
 edly, and probably, in consequence, occasionally 
 passing a brother without recognition, for which 
 I apologise). Some of these songs have given 
 others pleasure also, if I may judge by the numer- 
 ous copies I have given away by request. As I 
 care little for the sentimental, my sentimental 
 brethren may be disappointed. 
 
 Most of these trifles are written in the old 
 Lowland Scotch language, the lineal descend- 
 ant of that which was spoken at the Court 
 
DEDICA TION. 
 
 of Scotland, when French was the language of 
 the Court of England.* 
 
 ' The pure and classical language of Scotland 
 must on no account be regarded as a provincial 
 dialect, any more than French was so re- 
 garded in the reign of Henry V. . . . Nor 
 is it to be in any manner of way considered as a 
 corruption of the Saxon.' — From Dean Ramsay's 
 Scottish Life, p. 175, quoted from Lord Brougham' s 
 Introductory Address to th£ Students of Edinburgh 
 University. 
 
 I am, 
 
 Dear Brethren, 
 
 Yours fraternally, 
 
 W. S. CARMICHAEL. 
 
 * 'To this — the very language of the Vikings— both the old 
 Lowland Scotch, and, at a further remove, our modem English, 
 chiefly owe their directness, expressiveness, and strength.' — Sym- 
 ington! s Sketches of Faroe and Iceland, p. 183. 
 
 ' The Scandinavians are our true progenitors.' — Ibid., p. 293. 
 
MISCELLANEA POETICA, 
 
 AVUNCULUS NED. 
 
 Translation. 
 Novi Aethiopem cui nomen avunculus Ned ; 
 
 Jamdudura occubuit morti : 
 Non habebat lanam in summo capite, 
 
 Ubi lana debet coUigi. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Suspende ligonem cum rastro ; 
 
 Depone Fidem cum plectro : 
 Non est plus ludi avunculo Ned, 
 
 Meliori accessit loco, 
 
 A 
 
A VUNCULUS NED. 
 
 Suae ungues longiores hortensi rastro ; 
 
 Non videbat suis oculis ; 
 Dentes perdiderat, et sic non potuit 
 
 Manducare frusta ossse carnis. 
 
 Mane frigido obiit avunculus Ned : 
 Condidimus sub nivem turaulo. 
 
 Et quisque dixit se visurum nunquam 
 Suum parem in tali mundo. 
 
CAUDAE MAJORUM {NOSTRORUM). 
 
 CAUDAE MAJORUM 
 (NOSTRORUM). 
 
 Air — ' Therms nae Luck aboot the ffocse.' 
 
 Ferarum nos progeniem 
 
 Philosophi decent. 
 Cevebant, donee jussit mos 
 
 Ut caudas tegerent 
 Progressus speciei hinc, 
 
 Marcentesque caudae, 
 Et bipedes monstrosi qui 
 
 Non sunt hoc tempore. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Dominus Monboddo dixit 
 
 Nos nasci cum cauda. 
 Abscindit caudam obstetrix, 
 
 Celat in mantica. 
 
CAUDAE MAJORUM {NOSTRORUM). 
 
 Duo formosi simii, 
 
 Juncti connubio, 
 Ornant domum, et se gerunt 
 
 Modo blandissimo. 
 Tractant concinne socios, 
 
 Invitant ad coenam : 
 Et filio, quum natus est, 
 
 Eripiunt caudam. 
 
 Humanae gentis obtinent, 
 
 Gradumque et honores. 
 Ut artibus dant operam, 
 
 Fiunt caudae breviores. 
 Nunc senex iste filius, 
 
 Ore stultiloquo ; 
 Est nomen Darwin ; blaterat 
 
 De patre simio. 
 
UBIQUE CUR A. 
 
 UBIQUE CUR A. 
 
 Air — ' Green grow the Rashes 0.' 
 Translation. 
 
 I. 
 Ubique loci cura est, 
 In horis fugientibus ; 
 Quid valet vita hominum 
 Puellis non praesentibus. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Viridis juncis tellus est [bis] 
 Dies meus laetissimus 
 Consumptus cum puellis est. 
 
 II. 
 Avari lucrum expetunt, 
 Sed perstant in penuria : 
 Nam etsi opes congerant, 
 Gaudent nulla luxuria. 
 
UBIQUE CUR A. 
 
 III. 
 Cum mea cara vespere 
 Et foveo et fabulo. 
 Mundi curae et homines 
 Eant omnes diabolo. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Insulsi ! " Deridetis hoc ? 
 Incessit vos dementia ! 
 Puellas Rex amabat qui 
 Praestabat sapientia. 
 
 V. 
 
 Natura jurat ut illae 
 Supremum opus ratae sunt ! 
 Fecit viros improvide : 
 Puellae tunc creatae sunt. 
 
SENES DOMI. 
 
 SENES DOMI. 
 
 Air—' The Old Folks at Home: 
 Translation. 
 
 I. 
 
 LoNGE super ripas Swansea amnis, 
 
 Procul absunt. 
 Quo animus aspectat semper ; 
 
 Ubi senes incolunt. 
 Per totam terram, longe lateque 
 
 Triste erro ; 
 Ardens plantarium videre, 
 
 Cum senibus et domo. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Totus mundus tristis, moestus, 
 
 In loco omni. 
 Oh ! Fratres quam tabesco dolore ! 
 
 Procul a senibus domi. 
 
SENES DOMI. 
 
 Per totum praedium errabam, 
 
 In juventa. 
 Tunc laetos dies consumebam ; 
 
 Multa erant carmina. 
 Quando ludebam cum meo fratre 
 
 Felix eram. 
 Colam domi cum mea matre 
 
 Ibi ad mortem vivam. — Chorus. 
 
 Ill 
 Concinna casa intra dume turn, 
 
 Quam diligo. 
 Moeste in memoriam revertit. 
 
 Quocunque erro. 
 Quando videbo apes volantes 
 
 Circa favum ? 
 Quando lyram audiam sonantem 
 
 Apud domum priscam?^-C^(7«<j. 
 
' ivE met: 
 
 'WE MET.' 
 
 A PARODY, FIFTY YEARS OLD. 
 I. 
 
 We met, 'twas in a crowd, and I thought he would dun me. 
 He came, I could not move, for his hand was upon me. 
 He smiled to have me caught, and away from the Abbey : 
 I grant I owed him much ; but his conduct was shabby. 
 I wore a fine gold watch, a gold ring and a locket ; 
 Bright gems were on my breast which I wished in my 
 
 pocket. 
 He named them every one as the right of another ; 
 So I just knocked him down, ran home and told my 
 
 mother. 
 
 II. 
 And once again we met, and a bailiff was near him ; 
 He smiled and whispered low, but yet I chanced to hear 
 him. 
 
' WE MET.' 
 
 I ran home and locked my door to avoid a long palaver ; 
 They came and broke it down, which was horrid be- 
 haviour. 
 To Bridewell I must go ; so I quaffed off some toddy : 
 They, taking me downstairs, popped me into a noddy. 
 The world may think me gay, for my feelings I smother, 
 But I'd much rather be elsewhere with my mother. 
 
 \. 
 
THE SWEEPS J OR, THE NERVOUS WIEE. ii 
 
 THE SWEEPS; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE NERVOUS WIFE. 
 
 Air—' Sir John Cope.' 
 
 My wife's unco' nervous, and troubled wi' fear. 
 She often waukens me, and says, ' My dear. 
 There's someone in the house : now listen, you will hear 
 There are robbers in the house this mornin'.' 
 
 Then I maun get up, and sometimes strike a licht, 
 March doon the stair to see that a's richt ; 
 But I'll tell you an adventure that gied me a fricht. 
 It happened just lately in the mornin'. 
 
 I creepit oot o' bed into the cauld air, 
 Then bang'd up the poker, and march'd doon the stair 
 To the dinin'-room door, and when I got there, 
 I thocht I heard some voices in the mornin'. 
 
12 THE SWEEPS; OR, THE NERVOUS WIFE. 
 
 1 keekit thro' the keyhole, some wafflike chaps I see, 
 A' standin' at the chimly, but lookin' straucht at me, 
 As if they heard a soond, and wonder'd wha 't could be, 
 And ane cam slippin' forret in the mornin'. 
 
 I stood upon my gaird, but I wish'd mysel' elsewhere. 
 Till he cam near enuch, when I fell'd him to the flair, 
 Wi' a daud upon the head, and left him squallin' there. 
 And I ran awa' upstairs in the mornin'. 
 
 I rush'd into the room, I shut and barr'd the door, 
 When my wife cried, ' My dear, I forgot to say before 
 That the sweeps were to come between three o'clock and 
 four. 
 To sweep some chimneys in the mornin'.' 
 
 Sae now I've to pay for the doctor's skill 
 In mendin' the sweep's head, and a lawyer's heavy bill : 
 But that I wadna grudge if 'twad mak my wife lie still. 
 And no bother me in the mornin'. 
 
A KISS. 13 
 
 A KISS. 
 
 Air — ' Green grow the Rashes C' 
 
 I. 
 Some folk think kissin' unco nice, 
 
 Some think there's naething in't ava, 
 Some think it quite a plague at best, 
 
 Some icy hearts nae kiss can thaw. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 A kiss when stown or taen by force 
 
 Is no the proper thing ava, 
 Gie me the kiss whar lips press lips. 
 
 The mutual kiss atween the twa. 
 
 II. 
 We kiss the bairns, the wee sweet things, 
 
 They seem like angels sent frae heaven, 
 To comfort us on earth below, 
 
 Since man frae Paradise was driven. 
 
1 4 A KISS. 
 
 III. 
 Some kiss the Pope's big tae at Rome, 
 
 Auld banes or things they relics ca', 
 
 Some like to kiss a lady's hand, 
 
 That's no the kiss I like ava. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Some men kiss men when they ha'e been 
 Frae ane anither lang awa, 
 
 A friendly kiss on hairy cheek, 
 That's no the kiss I like ava. 
 
 V. 
 
 The leddies when they meet and pairt, 
 Salute each ither wi' a kiss, 
 
 A friendly and becomin act, 
 The foretaste o' a greater bliss. 
 
 VI. 
 
 When kisses follow fast, or seem 
 As if they'd never end aya, 
 
 Wi' breast to breast, and lips to lips, 
 Nae doot they're pleasant to the twa. 
 
THE CAT. IS 
 
 THE CAT. 
 
 Air — ' Oor ain Kailyaird,' 
 Oi with the Choras, ' There's nae Luck,' etc. 
 
 An old maid called on a young wife 
 
 Her baby to embrace ; 
 The child was sleeping, so they brought 
 
 A cat dressed up in place. 
 The lady, who was almost blind. 
 
 In praises overflows : 
 She cried, ' Oh, what a lovely child 
 
 Her mother's eyes and nose ! ' 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 But babies are not now like those 
 We've seen in days of yore ; 
 
 They were so soft, and sweet, and fair, 
 Such as we might adore. 
 
i6 THE CAT. 
 
 The cat, which did not Uke the joke, 
 
 Began to squall and mew. 
 The lady was surprised at this, 
 
 And thocht it something new ; 
 But when she felt the horrid tail, 
 
 She was astonished quite. 
 The doctor should have cut it off, 
 
 And kept it out of sight. 
 
 The nurse explained a man had found, 
 
 By ratiocination, 
 That mankind were descended from 
 
 The lowest brute creation. 
 The child thus had a hairy tail, 
 
 And mewed just like a cat : 
 Its ancestors were cats no doubt ; 
 
 This was a proof of that. 
 
 The lady was quite shocked, and said. 
 When she was young she knew 
 
THE CAT. 17 
 
 That babies had no tails like cats, 
 And that they did not mew. 
 
 Mankind are thus disgraced, no doubt, 
 As punishment for sin : 
 
 They have no shame to show their claim 
 To beastly origin. 
 
 V. 
 
 ' Go, tell your mistress I am grieved 
 
 That this has taken place ; 
 But even yet the surgeon may 
 
 Do something in this case. 
 I do advise that he proceed 
 
 At once to amputation ; 
 And then the mewing may be cured 
 
 By careful castigation.' 
 
 VI. 
 
 The cat became quite frantic now. 
 
 And struggled, squall'd, and mew'd ; 
 
 B 
 
i8 
 
 THE CAT. 
 
 The lady got a scratch when she 
 Her tender cares renew'd. 
 
 She was alarm'd, and soon made off 
 As fast as she could do ; 
 
 And often said, as she went home, 
 ' What will this world come to ! ' 
 
THE GHAIST. 19 
 
 THE GHAIST. 
 
 Air— ' Aiken Drum! 
 
 I. 
 Some folk dinna think there are ghaists ava ; 
 But I'll tell ye, if ye like, what I mysel' ance saw, 
 And o' what I'm gaun tell ye noo ye needna hae a doot. 
 For I'll neer forget the way it cam aboot. 
 My wife and weans and servants to the country had gaen, 
 To spend the Christmas holidays, and left me a' my lane; 
 I was keepit late at business till past ten, I'll aye remember, 
 'Twas on the 31st day,o' December. 
 
 II. 
 When I gaed hame to my lanely hoose, 
 Wi' nae ane to crack to, I wasna' very croose ; 
 I hurried aff to bed, but sleep I could get nane, 
 I felt sae eerie a' my lane. 
 
 The clock at last struck twal, I listen'd wi' a sigh. 
 And then I heard a maist unearthly soond and cry ; 
 
20 THE GHAIST. 
 
 Nae doot it was a ghaist or twa I heard upon the stair, 
 Since naething else could enter there. 
 
 III. 
 The ghaist approached ! The door wide open flew ! 
 There was a smell o' sulphur, and a licht o' palest blue ; 
 A tall and stately figure cam' forrit to my bed, 
 It gazed, and then in hollow voice it said, — 
 ' My auld freend, I wish ye A Happy New Year ; 
 We fand yer street door open and sae we cam' up here ; 
 Here's Willie, Rab, and Allan, and yer first-fit in me, 
 Wi' shortbread and het pint for a spree.' 
 
 IV. 
 
 I woke as frae a dream or a horrid nichtmare ; 
 
 I shook their hands and wished them a' A Happy New 
 
 Year. 
 We gaed doon to the fireside, had toddy, sangs, and toasts, 
 And were sae blithe, I thocht nae mair o' ghosts. 
 
THE GHAIST. 
 
 Then ' Willie brew'd a peck o' maut ' was sung wi' muckle 
 
 glee, 
 And the chorus was repeated by us a' richt merrily ; 
 Then Rab played on the fiddle, and we danced a reel or 
 
 twa ; 
 Then supper, ale, and toasts, hip, hip, hoorah ! 
 
 V. 
 
 Then ' Auld Lang Syne ' was sung, and we a' join'd in 
 
 the chorus. 
 This sobefd us a wee, and they spoke o' deoch an' 
 
 dorus : 
 But I lock'd the door, and said, ' There's nae gaun hame 
 
 the nicht ava, 
 For I've beds eneugh within for ye a'.' 
 Then we a' made up oor minds to hae a richt jolly nicht. 
 And crack'd and sang and laugh'd and joked till it was 
 
 amaist licht. 
 And surely ae sic happy nicht is worth a week or mair 
 O' worldly, sordid, scrapin' greed and care. 
 
22 THE MEDIUM. 
 
 THE MEDIUM. 
 
 Air—' The Mistletoe Bough.' 
 
 A RICH uncle of mine died some time ago ; 
 
 But the fool left behind him no will ; 
 So my cousins and I disagreed, and we thought 
 
 Of invoking some great lawyer's skill. 
 But one of them said, ' If we go to law, ' 
 
 Who knows where the money will go : 
 Let us rather consult some great medium, 
 
 Who will send to the regions below — ' 
 
 Chorus. 
 For uncle's ghost below {repeated). 
 
 So we went to a medium into a dark room. 
 Round a table quite silent we sat. 
 
 Soon the table began to move here and there ; 
 We were quite astonished at that. 
 
THE MEDIUM. 23 
 
 Then the medium call'd for my uncle's ghost, 
 
 When it enter'd we nothing could see ! 
 But we heard a low voice, which said, ' I am here ! 
 
 And what do you want now with me ? ' 
 Chorus. 
 Oh these great mediums (repeated). 
 Then the medium said, ' On your nephews' account 
 
 I wish you to announce your decree, 
 And thus end their dispute, for since you've left no will 
 
 Your folly makes them disagree. 
 And they wisely, instead of going to law. 
 
 Have come for assistance to me ; 
 If to law they should go, you blockhead, you know. 
 
 Your money they never might see.' 
 
 Chorus — ^Your money, etc. 
 The ghost said, ' You ought to be much more polite ; 
 
 But that's all the same to me now : 
 If I were not a spirit I would break your thick head, 
 
 And very soon kick up a row. 
 
24 THE MEDIUM. 
 
 This calling of spirits up from the vast deep 
 
 Is becoming to me quite a bore ; 
 This is my tenth time, and I've made up my mind 
 
 Not to visit this earth any more ! ' — Chorus. 
 
 The medium apologised, and then said, — 
 
 ' You speak like a blockhead,' said he ; 
 ' And if you won't settle your nephews' dispute, ^ 
 
 You may go to the devil for me.' 
 ' Well, then,' said the ghost, ' I dispone and ordain 
 
 That my wealth be divided in two ; 
 That they get equal shares of one of the halves, 
 
 That the other be given to you.' — Chorus. 
 
 But we saw 'twas a cheat, and we kicked up a row ; 
 
 When the police came we gave them in charge : 
 For such spirits and mediums should not be allow'd 
 
 To delude thus the people at large. 
 
THE MEDIUM. 25 
 
 The medium in court pleaded guilty, and said, — 
 
 That he would not make any oration, 
 The spirit said, ' Blockheads deserve to be duped. 
 
 And he could not resist the temptation.' — Chorus. 
 
 The judge then summ'd up, and announced his decree, 
 
 ' Imposition,' he said, ' was too rife : 
 The medium' I banish for ninety years ; 
 
 The spirit I banish for life.' 
 The medium then said he would now preach about 
 
 The monkey forefathers of man. 
 The spirit said, since he must give up the ghost. 
 
 For the fools he would find some new plan. — Chorus. 
 
26 THE CLERGYMAN. 
 
 THE CLERGYMAN. 
 
 Km— 'The Quaker's Wife: 
 I. 
 I'm a clergyman, and was sent for 
 
 By one of my congregation, 
 Who was laid up with gout, and wish'd 
 
 Some ghostly consolation. 
 I was kept then till past high twelve, 
 
 With which I was not contented ; 
 For I had three long miles to walk 
 
 On roads not much frequented. 
 
 II. 
 
 When I got out I rattled my stick, 
 And walked on in a great hurry ; 
 
 I saw a woman a short way ahead, 
 Who seemed to be in a flurry. 
 
 When I walk'd fast then so did she. 
 And when I would have pass'd her, 
 
THE CLERGYMAN. 27 
 
 'Twas quite ridiculous to see, 
 That then she walked the faster. 
 
 III. 
 No doubt she was afraid of me, 
 
 Being lonely and benighted ; 
 If I could pass, then she would see 
 
 She need not be affrighted. 
 Then I ran fast that I might pass, 
 
 And what made it absurder, 
 A policeman suddenly appear'd — 
 
 She ran to him bawling 'Murder.' 
 
 IV. 
 
 The policeman coUar'd me, and to 
 
 The office haul'd me roughly. 
 I was accused of a gross assault ; 
 
 The magistrate spoke gruffly, 
 And he would not believe a word 
 
 Of my true explanation ; 
 
28 THE CLERGYMAN. 
 
 He said it was a shocking case, 
 And spoke about transportation. 
 
 V. 
 
 The policeman swore he saw me rush 
 Upon the woman with fury ; 
 
 I was lock'd up some time, and then 
 Was brought before a jury. 
 
 I was accused in open court, 
 My conduct reprehended ; 
 
 And tlio' not proven the award. 
 My ministry here is ended. 
 
 VI. 
 
 And many a boy will cry ' Ha ! ha ! ' 
 And point at me with his finger. 
 
 And mobs will follow me and shout. 
 So here I must not linger. 
 
 To New York I must emigrate, 
 Timbuctoo or Port Jackson, 
 
THE CLERGYMAN. 29 
 
 A clergyman, and thus accused, 
 Good folks will turn their backs on. 
 
 VII. 
 
 But first our great Assembly shall 
 
 Examine my behaviour ; 
 Some hope of happiness remains 
 
 If they are in my favour. 
 
 Moral. 
 Now ye who on some lonely road 
 
 May see a woman before ye, 
 Take my advice, don't try to pass, 
 
 Lest my mischance comes o'er ye. 
 
30 THE LANDING OF THE PRINCESS. 
 
 THE LANDING OF THE 
 PRINCESS. 
 
 (Founded on Fact.) 
 
 Air—' Uncle Ned.' 
 
 It was a happy day for the favour'd town of Hull 
 
 When the news came from over the sea, 
 That the Infant Princess, in her nurse's arms, 
 
 Was to land there next day at the quay. 
 The news spread like wildfire, the Council was convened ; 
 
 The Mayor as excited as the rest. 
 Many plans were discussed, and at last they agreed 
 
 On those which they thought would be best. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Hang up the mottoes, flowers and banners ! 
 
 Line the streets with Volunteers below ! 
 And prepare the guns and fireworks, and illumination ! 
 
 Since Providence favours us so ! 
 
THE LANDING OF THE PRINCESS. 31 
 
 The auspicious day arrived, and the whole town of Hull 
 
 Was dress'd in its besf, you might see ; 
 And the Mayor and Aldermen, in showy robes of state, 
 
 March'd down much too soon to the quay. 
 As the steamer approach'd the shouting increased ; 
 
 The guns saluted rapidly and loud. 
 When the nurse came ashore with the child in her arms, 
 
 The Mayor advanced, and then bowed. — Chorus. 
 
 Then the Mayor made a speech, ' May Heaven be praised 
 
 That I've lived this day for to see ! 
 I've the honour to receive our famous Princess 
 
 At our own, our thus hallow'd quay.' 
 Then he begged as a boon he might kiss the infant's 
 hand, 
 
 And he dropped before the nurse upon his knee ; 
 And when the nurse agreed, he pressed the hand to his 
 lips, 
 
 Then a glorious cheer arose three times three. — Chotus. 
 
32 THE LANDING OF THE PRINCESS. 
 
 Oblivious of time the Mayor still knelt, 
 
 Till the child began aloud to squall ; 
 Then he got up in haste the procession to join, 
 
 And conduct the Princess to the Hall. 
 In the City Hall was seen a magnificent display ! 
 
 Nurse and child on a throne look'd quite grand ! 
 The great folk were introduced, and dropp'd down on 
 their knees, 
 
 And then kiss'd Royal Infancy's hand. — Chorus. 
 
 Now the Princess's visit was very, very short ; 
 
 She soon set off for London by the train ; 
 But 'twill never be forgotten in the favour'd town of . 
 Hull 
 
 As long as inhabitants remain. 
 The Mayor then order'd an account .to be drawn up. 
 
 And circulated throughout all the land. 
 That he had received the Princess at the quay. 
 
 And imprinted a kiss on her hand ! — Chorus. 
 
THE LANDING OF THE PRINCESS. 33 
 
 Final Chorus. 
 
 Now fireworks and illuminations, dinners, speeches, 
 toasts, 
 
 To the health of the Princess three times three ; 
 And ever keep in mind Providence has been kind 
 
 In sending a real Princess to our quay. 
 
 OR, 
 
 Now the Mayor with a boast proposes for a toast, 
 ' To the health of our Princess in champagne ; 
 
 And I'm sure you all will say, we ne'er had such 
 a glorious day ! 
 Your glasses to this toast all must drain.' 
 
 OR, 
 
 ' Fill up your glasses to the brim with wine. 
 
 To the health of our Princess with a cheer. 
 
 And if any can't get wine, oh, let them not repine; 
 
 Let them drink it in porter or beer.' 
 c 
 
34 THE STUDENT'S DREAM. 
 
 THE STUDENT'S DREAM. 
 
 Air — 'Sir John Cope.' 
 
 A STUDENT was Studying for his degree, 
 
 A skeleton in front and a book upon his knee, 
 
 Sae sleepy and tired he could scarcely see. 
 
 When the clock struck ane i' the morniu'. 
 
 Then the skeleton said, ' My dear young man, 
 You study owr hard and look sae wan, 
 You should enjoy life while you can, 
 Sae come awa' wi' me this mornin'.' 
 
 He donn'd the student's hat and cloak, 
 Lit a cigar and began to smoke. 
 And seemed quite up to any joke. 
 
 Then they went oot thegither i' the mornin'. 
 
 He took him to a lonely street. 
 
 Where they would get a welcome and a treat. 
 
THE STUDENT'S DREAM. 35 
 
 There he knock'd, and a ghaist in a big white sheet 
 Appear'd wi' a lantern i' the mornin'. 
 
 The skeleton began, ' Cia mar tha sibh an diugh ? ' 
 Shook hands and said, ' I call on you 
 To spend a pleasant hour or two 
 
 In your cellar doon-stairs this mornin'. 
 
 I introduce a friend o' mine, 
 
 My Lord Monboddo, fond of wine. 
 
 And you have some so very fine, 
 
 Will please, I've nae doubt, this mornin'.' 
 
 The ghaist said, ' My lord, I feel quite vain, . 
 That your lordship to visit my house should deign ; 
 Your lordship is welcome, and I thank Mr Bane, 
 For your lordship's visit this mornin'.' 
 
 They gaed doon to the cellar underground, 
 And tasted, as they walk'd quite slowly around. 
 
36 THE STUDENT'S DREAM. 
 
 Of champagne and other wines renown'd, 
 
 But the whisky was the favourite that mornin'. 
 
 On g, barrel then each of them took his seat, 
 Wi' pipes and tobacco and something to eat, 
 Hot water, sugar, whisky, made it quite a treat. 
 
 And they joked, laugh'd, and sang i' the mornin'. 
 
 The ghaist said, ' My lord, I am glad that my friend 
 Brought your lordship here some hours to spend, 
 And I hope that your lordship will condescend 
 To visit me again i' the mornin'.' 
 
 His lordship replied, ' It will give me pleasure, 
 To visit you again when I have the leisure. 
 For besides yourself you have here a treasure 
 Will bring me back again some mornin'.' 
 
 Then ' We're no that fou ' they sang a' thegither, 
 Wi' their pipes in yae hand and their glasses i' the ither. 
 They were no just fou, tho' they ca'd each ither brither, 
 When the cock crew at dawn o' the mornin'. 
 
THE STUDENT'S DREAM. 37 
 
 The ghaist it vanished into smoke, 
 Wi' the licht o' the mornin' the student awoke, 
 And there hung the skeleton withoot hat or cloak, 
 And lookin' unco' grim i' the mornin'. 
 
38 THE FISHERMAN. 
 
 THE FISHERMAN. 
 
 (SENTIMENTAL!) 
 
 Air — 'Lorelei. 
 
 A FISHERMAN and his two sons were out 
 
 At sea on a stormy night, 
 The waves dash'd wildly on the rocks ; 
 
 It was a fearful sight. 
 But there was a bay where they would be safe, 
 
 If they could double a cape, 
 So they puU'd for their lives to reach this bay, 
 
 Their only way of escape. 
 
 A mother was nursing her child, and heard 
 
 With fear the storm's wild roar. 
 She pray'd for her husband and sons at sea. 
 
 Whom she might never see more. 
 
THE FISHERMAN. 39 
 
 The door at last was opened fast, 
 
 The three loved ones were there, 
 A happy fireside there was that night 
 
 With thankfulness and prayer. 
 
40 THE NIGHTMARE. 
 
 THE NIGHTMARE. 
 
 ( 
 
 Air — ' Bannocks 0^ Barley Meal,' ! 
 
 Or, with Chonis, ' Mistletoe Bough.' 
 
 i 
 
 My Nancy, so lovely, looks down upon me. 
 
 Because I'm not very tall, as you may see, 1 
 
 i 
 
 So I studied old books both by day and by night 
 To find out a medicine to add to my height. 
 I found it at last — Eureka ! I said ; 
 I took a good dose, and then went to bed. 
 And when I got up I measured my height, 
 It was much the same as the previous night.' 
 
 Chorus. 
 My Nancy bothers me so, — repeated. 
 
 I tried this three days, but without any change : 
 ' What ! not an inch taller ? ' I thought it was strange. 
 I began to have doubts about what I had read ; 
 Took ten times the dose and then popped into bed. 
 
THE NIGHTMARE. 41 
 
 I slept long and soundly, and_when I awoke, 
 Both the headboard and footboard by stretching 
 
 I broke. 
 Here was a great change ; I got up with delight, 
 And found myself eight feet ten inches in height. 
 
 I had taken too much, and it gave me a fright, 
 For I knew no medicine to lessen my height. 
 I pulled on some clothes -which were now all 
 
 too small, 
 And a very large ulster which covered them all. 
 I went out and call'd at the house of my dear ; 
 Amazed at my size, she said I looked queer, 
 That a mountebank show was ray only fit place, 
 And then with a sneer shut the door in my face. 
 
 In despair at such treatment I ran all the way, 
 And at home I determined onfelo de se , 
 So I drank off at once sixty doses or more, 
 And fell down insensible on the hard floor. 
 
42 THE NIGHTMARE. 
 
 My servant came in and found me bawling there, 
 Awoke me, and said you have had the nightmare. 
 I got up, and could not help having a laugh, 
 When I found my height only four feet and a-half. 
 
 I dressed, and ran off to the plague of my life, 
 And asked her at once if she'd be my wife. 
 She blush'd a consent, and I gave her a kiss, 
 And nobody surely will think that amiss. 
 Now don't think by long legs the ladies to please ; 
 A long head and purse are far better than these : 
 They have the idea, no doubt, the sweet dears. 
 When poverty enters that love disappears. 
 
THE WIDOW'S DAUGHTER. 43 
 
 THE WIDOW'S DAUGHTER. 
 
 Air — ' The Quaker's Wife.' 
 
 There was a lovely widow once 
 
 Who had a beauteous daughter ; 
 I wish'd to make the girl my wife, 
 
 But there were six wooers at her. 
 I did all that a man could do, 
 
 I tried to kiss and flatter ; 
 But all in vain, my cause was lost, 
 
 A rich old booby gat her. 
 
 As thin 's a lamp-post I soon grew ; 
 
 The man I wish'd to slaughter ; 
 Then emigrate to Timbuctoo, 
 
 Or go upon the batter. 
 But then the widow was so kind, 
 
 She came with merry chatter ; 
 To kill some one, or marry her, 
 
 I thought I'd choose the latter. 
 
44 THE WIDOW'S DAUGHTER. 
 
 Now Richard is himself again ; 
 
 I've grown a great deal fatter. 
 My lovely wife is fatter too — 
 
 She's fatter than her daughter. 
 Now if you lose one lovely dear, 
 
 Do not go on the batter ; 
 Just take another in her place, 
 
 And foolish fancies scatter. 
 
THE BRA W WIFE. 45 
 
 THE BRAW WIFE. 
 
 K\^—' Sir John Cope.' 
 
 I'm a hard working man, and wi' muckle care 
 
 I had saved some cash, and wish'd to mak it mair, 
 
 Sae I aye was content wi' the plainest fare. 
 
 And I aye gat up early i' the mornin'. 
 But I married a wife wha was unco' braw, 
 Siclike spendin' I ne'er saw, 
 Furs, feathers, shawls, and satins an a', 
 
 And her visitors aye stoppit till the mornin'. 
 
 When I gaed hame gay late ae nicht, 
 Ohon ! I saw an unco' sicht ! 
 Grand folk dancin', dazzlin' licht. 
 
 And nae yin thocht o' gaun hame till mornin'. 
 My wife was whirlin' roond in haste, 
 A dandy's arm aboot her waist, 
 I glow'r'd as if I'd seen a ghaist, 
 
 And I thocht I'd speak aboot it i' the mornin'. 
 
46 THE BRA W WIFE. 
 
 And then at supper, what a shine ! 
 
 Salmon, ham and turkey, jellies, fruit and wine ! 
 
 The fun was theirs, but the cost was mine. 
 
 And the bills bother'd me in the mornin'. 
 Sic fire o' crackers and champagne, 
 Sic sangs and speeches unco' vain, 
 And some could scarcely stan' their lane, 
 
 The champagne didna gree wi' them that mornin'. 
 
 But noo my wife is turnin' stoot. 
 And no sae fond o' gaun aboot, 
 We may be happy yet nae doot, 
 
 And no sit up sae late intil the mornin'. 
 Wi' makin' claes she's aye in a mess, 
 Some wee frocks and caps I saw i' the press ; 
 What a' this means ye weel may guess. 
 
 And come and wish us joy some mornin'. 
 
THE LITTLE FA T BO Y. 47 
 
 THE LITTLE FAT BOY. 
 
 Air—' The Mistletoe Bough.'' 
 At a large country house some boys were at play, 
 The game ' hide-and-seek ' — it was Christmas Day ; 
 A little fat boy was then to go out, 
 Who'd rather sit still than be moving about. 
 He went up to a bedroom, popp'd into a bed, 
 Smooth'd the bedclothes above him, and cover'd his 
 
 head, 
 And when the boys sought him he could not be found, 
 Tho' they search'd the old mansion from garret to 
 ground. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Oh, the little fat boy ! oh, the fat little boy ! 
 
 The supper-bell rang, to the room the boys bound, 
 But they fear'd to say the fat boy was not found. 
 But when they all saw that the boy was not there, 
 The servant was sent to ring loud on the stair. 
 
48 THE LITTLE FAT BOY. 
 
 She rang as if she would awaken the dead, 
 But the boy was upstairs sound asleep in the bed. 
 They sat down to sup, as they thought he would hear, 
 But soon got alarm'd, as he did not appear. — Chorus. 
 
 They got up to search, all determined to strive 
 
 To find the fat little boy, dead or alive : 
 
 And as one was searching below a bedstead, 
 
 Another thought that he heard snoring in bed. 
 
 He turned down the bed-clothes, and there the boy lay ; 
 
 He, when he awoke, thought this part of the play. 
 
 He got up, but the fuss he could not understand. 
 
 But he cared not for that, with supper at hand. — Chorus. 
 
 Now parents in this a good reason may find. 
 
 To make their sons active in body and mind. 
 
 To teach them gymnastics, to swim, and to play. 
 
 And not to pop into bed during the day. 
 
 Thus they become fit with life's struggles to strive. 
 
 And may be selected by fate to survive. 
 
 They may be evolved to a higher degree. 
 
 For Darwin can't tell what mankind may soon be ! 
 
TROUSERS V. KILTS. 49 
 
 TROUSERS V. KILTS. 
 
 Air — ' Green grow the Rashes 0.' 
 
 It's unco cauld on every haun, 
 
 Then why should we be losers o' 
 The comfort Providence supplies 
 
 In the shape o' troosers O. 
 Some folk admire the philibeg, 
 
 And troosers are abusers o', 
 For Adam wore a kilt, but then 
 
 He didna ken the troosers O. 
 
 When laddies, we, o' petticoats 
 
 Or philibegs were users o' ; 
 But 'twas an unco day for us, 
 
 The day we got on troosers O. 
 The pooches we aye cramm'd wi' things ; 
 
 They were oor great amusers O. 
 Nae sporran moUoch could compare 
 
 Wi' pooches in oor troosers O. 
 
 D 
 
TROUSERS V. KILTS. 
 
 We bachelors should a' tak wives ; 
 
 But we should be guid choosers o' 
 Guidwives content wi' petticoats, 
 
 And no' to wear the troosers O. 
 Some wives at hame their proper place 
 
 O' mistress are refusers o' ; 
 They want to be the maister there — 
 
 They want to wear the troosers O. 
 
 Puir wives, they're often unco hash'd. 
 
 By domineerin' boozers O. 
 Sic heartless tyrants weel deserve 
 
 A floggin' withoot troosers O. 
 The rule within the hoose to wives 
 
 Men needna be refusers o' ; 
 For tho' men think they rule the hoose. 
 
 Wives rule, and wear the troosers O. 
 
 The tailors swear that troosers are 
 Oor noblest heat diffusers O. 
 
TROUSERS V. KILTS. 51 
 
 They made us philibegs langsyne, 
 
 But noo they mak us troosers O. 
 Then why wi' bare legs gang aboot 
 
 Sic antic dress be users o' ? 
 Tho 't may be nice at fancy balls 
 
 To dance withoot yer troosers O. 
 
 In warm lands men may gang withoot 
 
 Coat, vest, shirt, kilt, or troosers O, 
 But what wad leddies think were we 
 
 Bare nature's dress the users O. 
 But yet like Grecian maids langsyne,* 
 
 They'd thus be better choosers O, 
 Braw buirdly husbands fit for wark 
 
 In either kilt or troosers O. 
 
 * ' Instead of the naked spectacles which corrupted the manners 
 of the Greeks.' — Gibbon's Soman Empire, v. viii., pp. 117, 118. 
 
 wm^mA 
 
52 THE REV. DR GRA Y. 
 
 THE REV. DR GRAY. 
 
 Air — ' Bannocks o' Barley Meal,' or, Something Else. 
 
 There was a right reverend Dr Gray 
 
 Who lost his politeness and temper one day, 
 
 He was so annoyed at the stupidity of his congregation 
 
 that he was heard to say, 
 That he could make better men out of mere clay. 
 But it is improper in people to say 
 That they can like Prometheus make men out of clay ; 
 And if this is done in an insolent way, 
 They deserve to be punished for what they may say. 
 
 As the Rev. Dr was walking about in a brown study one 
 
 day, 
 He tumbled into a deep pit dug for clay, 
 And one of his stupid congregation who happen'd to be 
 
 passing that way, 
 Look'd down on him there as floundering he lay. 
 
THE REV. DR GRAY. S3 
 
 The bumpkin at first did not know Dr Gray, 
 He thought him a workman all dirty with clay : 
 When he saw who it was he began in this way, 
 ' My dear Dr Gray, how are you to-day ? ' 
 
 The doctor wants out, but the bumpkin says, ' Nay, 
 
 I see what your object is down there to-day : 
 
 You've jump'd into this clay-pit, and there you will stay, 
 
 Whilst you're maiking your better men out of the clay. 
 
 Then work on as hard as ever you may, 
 
 I'll come back to-morrow, or say the next day, 
 
 And by that time I hope, my dear Dr Gray, 
 
 You'll have made at least one better man out of clay.' 
 
 The doctor got into a towering passion, and was heard 
 
 to say, — 
 No, I won't repeat it, it might hurt his feehngs on some 
 
 other day ; 
 But he begged and he swore, and was beginning to pray, 
 When the bumpkin turn'd round and went on his way. 
 
54 THE REV. DR GRAY. 
 
 How the doctor got out history does not say, 
 
 But he was an alter'd man from that very day, 
 
 For he never made any more impertinent observations 
 
 about making better men out of clay, 
 However stupid the people that came in his way. ' 
 
THE ORIGIN OF MAN. 55 
 
 THE ORIGIN OF MAN. 
 
 Am — ' Therms nae Luck,' 
 Or, without the Chorus, ' Oor ain Kailyaird.' 
 
 Our ancestors were birds and brutes, 
 
 So modern science teaches ; 
 They wagg'd their tails until they learn'd, 
 
 To cover them with breeches. 
 Forms slowly changed till men appear'd 
 
 As at the present day. 
 What men may be some cent'ries hence, 
 
 Let no Darwinian say. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Monboddo was a learned lord, 
 And guessed at Nature's plan : 
 
 But he knew not that birds and brutes 
 Were ancestors of man. 
 
56 THE ORIGIN OF MAN. 
 
 The great Sir William says that rocks, 
 
 From distant regions hurl'd, 
 May have brought ' moss-grown fragments ' here, 
 
 Which peopled all this world. 
 He means that moss may have become 
 
 All kinds of plants, and then 
 All kinds of insects, fish, and birds, 
 
 Then mermaids, monkeys, men. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Monboddo, to explain all this. 
 
 Would have been at a loss ; 
 He guess'd about the tails, but not 
 
 About that bit of moss. 
 
 But who made that first bit of moss ? 
 
 Sir William's explanation — 
 May be that Nature formed it by 
 
 Spontaneous generation ! 
 
THE ORIGIN OF MAN. . 57 
 
 ■ And some philosophers maintain 
 
 That kind of operation, 
 If it were true, it might lead to 
 Excessive population. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Monboddo, tho' a learned lord. 
 
 Did not go far enough ; 
 He never thought our source might be 
 
 Mere vegetable stuff. 
 
 We never see such changes now ; 
 
 But statues indicate 
 That monstrous forms, part human, lived 
 
 In Egypt's ancient state ; 
 Some are like men, but with a head 
 
 Of ram, hawk, cow or cat. 
 These were the missing links ; and we 
 
 Can have no doubt of that. 
 
58 THE ORIGIN OF MAN. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Monboddo guess'd about the tail. 
 
 But not about the head. 
 We were all in the dark until 
 
 We learn'd what Darwin said. 
 
 A donkey had a little son, 
 
 The child was heard to bray ; 
 The doctor, who was wide awake, 
 
 Then cut its tail away. 
 That child was Darwin ; he improved, — 
 
 Lamarke's disciple he. 
 He brays no more, but still asserts 
 
 His donkey pedigree. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Monboddo said we're bom with tails : 
 
 He guessed at Nature's plan. 
 And Darwin, with his tail cut oif. 
 
 At last became a man. 
 
' THE flood; or, ' THE CELTIC CHAIR.' 59 
 
 'THE FLOOD/ 
 
 OR, 
 
 'THE CELTIC CHAIR.' 
 
 Air — ' Oor Kailyaird' 
 
 It was when Fergus was oor king, 
 
 That frae oor auld Leith quay, 
 Professor Blackie set sail for 
 
 The Med'terranean Sea. 
 But sune an awfu' storm cam on, 
 
 It rain'd withoot cessation, 
 And was sae dark for months that we 
 
 Could get nae observation. 
 
 At last it clear'd, on lookin' roond 
 
 Far aff we saw a rock, 
 Beside it was a muckle ship, 
 
 And on it were some folk. 
 
6o ' THE FLOOD,' OR, ' THE CELTIC CHAIR: 
 
 The captain gazed wi' spyin'-glass 
 
 Just after mornin' dram, 
 He cried, ' There's Noah wi' his pipe, 
 
 And Japhet, Shem, and Ham.' 
 
 I 
 We landed, and then Noah cried, 
 
 ' Cia mar tha sibh an diugh, 
 I'm glad to see you. Captain Grant, 
 
 Professor Blackie too. 
 For I ken that there is nae land 
 
 There is nae land ava, 
 Whaur Scotchmen daurna show their face 
 
 And Stan' their grund an a'.' 
 
 We shakit hands a' roond, and then 
 
 The Captain tellt us that, 
 By latitude and longitude. 
 
 This was Mount Ararat 
 Then Noah tellt us a' aboot 
 
 The risin' o' the waters 
 
THE flood; or, ' THE CELTIC CHAIR: 6i 
 
 Hoo he had built the Ark and saved 
 His wife and sons and daughters. 
 
 Professor Blackie then began 
 
 Aboot the Celtic Chair, 
 Took cot his book, and asked them a' 
 
 To pit their names doon there 
 Then Noah and his sons agreed 
 
 His great plan to assist. 
 And he wha doots this fact may search 
 
 Professor Blackie's List. 
 
 Then Noah said, ' Let's hae a dance, 
 
 A guid auld Hieland Reel ; ' 
 The bagpipes were brocht frae the ship. 
 
 And sune began to squeal. 
 But Blackie was the best o' a' 
 
 At oor auld Hieland Fling, 
 We couldna help admirin' him, 
 
 And roond him form'd a ring. 
 
62 ' THE FLOOD,' OR, ' THE CELTIC CHAIRS 
 
 We spent some days fu' pleasantly, 
 
 Wi' th' leddies we sipp'd wine, 
 But at nicht, wi' toddy, pipes, and ale, 
 
 We crack'd o' auld langsyne ; 
 ' For auld lang syne, my dear, 
 
 For auld lang syne, 
 We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet 
 
 For the days o' auld lang syne.' 
 
 Then Blackie said that he wad leave 
 
 His auld freends here wi' sorrow, 
 But asked them a' to 24 
 
 Hill Street, in Edinborough, 
 And then they'd see some sichts as fine 
 
 As they had ever seen — 
 For surely auld Dunedin is 
 
 O' cities a' the queen. 
 
 And sad it was to pairt, but we 
 Could stay nae langer there. 
 
' THE FLOODS OR, ' THE CELTIC CHAIR.' 63 
 
 For Blackie had some business 
 
 Conneckit wi' the Chair. 
 We left, and as we steam'd awa, 
 
 Three cheers cam thro' the air, 
 Hurrah for blithe Professor Blackie 
 
 And the Celtic Chair ! 
 
64 MY BOY TAMMY. 
 
 MY BOY TAMMY. 
 
 A New Edition. 
 
 ' Whavr hae ye been a' the day, 
 
 My boy Tammy ? 
 Ye're far our late, I'm sad to say. 
 My boy Tammy.' 
 ' I met twa freends o' mine the day, 
 Robbie Green and Sammy Gray, 
 We thocht that we wad like to hae 
 Some potash water, Mammy.' 
 
 ' And whaur got ye the nasty stuff. 
 My boy Tammy ? 
 I fear ye've had mair than enough. 
 My boy Tammy.' 
 ' We got it in the Ship Hotel, 
 We sang and cheer'd, and rang the bell. 
 Until the landlord cam himsel', 
 He said he'd tell my Mammy.' 
 
MV BO Y TAMMY. 65 
 
 ' What said ye to the landlord noo, 
 
 My boy Tammy ? 
 He thocht maybe that ye were fou, 
 
 My boy Tammy.' 
 ' We praised his drink, as was his due, 
 Its strength and flavour pleased the mou', 
 I preed it aft as ye may trou, 
 And sae did Rab and Sammy.' 
 
 ' And was that a' the drink ye had, 
 
 My boy Tammy ? 
 I fear that it maun hae been bad, 
 
 My boy Tammy.' 
 ' A gless o' whisky we had a' 
 For every bottle that we. saw, 
 'T wad nae been worth oor while ava 
 Withoot the whisky, Mammy.' 
 
 The smile gaed aff her bonny face, 
 
 She fears for her boy Tammy, 
 
66 MY BO y TAMMY. 
 
 She said, ' I hope you'll no disgrace 
 
 Yer auld, yer lovin' Mammy.' 
 ' Oh, Mammy, dinna fear for me, 
 I can enjoy mysel' wi' glee, 
 Yet drink in moderate degree ; 
 I canna grieve my Mammy.' 
 
 ' What said the landlord then to you, 
 
 My boy Tammy ? ' 
 ' He said, " Begone, for ye're a' fou," 
 
 'Twas insolence, my Mammy. 
 We sang, we lauch'd at him, and jeer'd, 
 We drank his health, and then we cheer'd, 
 When suddenly the police appear'd ; 
 'Twas shamefu' treatment, Mammy.' 
 
 ' And were ye to the office ta'en, 
 
 My boy Tammy ? ' 
 ' We were ta'en up like thieves, and then, 
 
 My dear Mammy, 
 
MYBOy TAMMY. 
 
 67 
 
 Kind Bailie Colston heard opr plea, 
 And the tear was in his ee, 
 To see us used sae shamefully ; 
 Then sent us hame, my Mammy.' 
 
68 THE MONKS OF OLD. 
 
 THE MONKS OF OLD. 
 
 Air — ' There's nae Luck,' or 'Aiken Drum.' 
 
 The monks of old were jolly, and they led a life so gay; 
 Their revenue was princely from the follies of the day. 
 One abbey had old Noah's jaw, which many came to see ; 
 They knelt, and kiss'd, and pray'd a while, and then 
 
 they left a fee. 
 One day an ignoramus cook smash'd with an axe this 
 
 bone. 
 And boil'd it in the soup which was meant for the poor 
 
 alone ; 
 And when the brethren heard of it, they were in a sad 
 
 state, 
 
 Since there were a dozen votaries all standing at the gate. 
 
 But the monks soon learn'd a lesson from a promising 
 
 young brother, 
 Who brought an ass's jawbone, and placed it for the 
 
 other. 
 
THE 'MONKS OF OLD. 69 
 
 The devotees came in, and then before they went away, 
 For this sight they were glad, and neglect'd not to 
 
 pay. 
 But to leave an ass's jawbone there -the shrewd monks 
 
 were afraid, 
 For some one might detect the cheat, and ruin thus their 
 
 trade ; 
 So they dug up an old abbot who was thought almost 
 
 divine, 
 And then instead they placed his musty jawbone in the 
 
 shrine. 
 
 It seem'd all right now, for, no doubt, the people came 
 
 and paid ; 
 But that the cheat might be found out, the monks were 
 
 quite afraid. 
 And when one said the bone was new, the monks said it 
 
 was plain, 
 A miracle, there was no doubt, had taken place again. 
 
70 THE MONKS OF OLD. 
 
 Now some of you will blame, no doubt, the jolly monks 
 
 for this ; 
 But jaw of ass or abbot dead is quite as good to kiss 
 As any jaw can be which has no lips upon the face. 
 It was well known the monks liked well a maiden to 
 
 embrace. 
 
THE GOLDEN NOSE. 71 
 
 THE GOLDEN NOSE. 
 
 Air — 'Aiken Drum.' 
 
 There was a rich old man who dealt much in gold dust, 
 
 But in riches none should ever put his trust. 
 
 But this old man's chief care was to hoard up the precious 
 
 stuff, 
 And he often took a jolly pinch of snuff. 
 But delusions may arise, altho' riches increase, 
 And this old man cried, ' Will wonders never cease ? ' 
 One morning when on waking with his nose very cold. 
 He thought it had become a mass of gold. 
 
 Astonish'd at the change, he began to curse and swear, 
 For though he loved gold much he did not like it there. 
 He examined his proboscis lest there might be some 
 
 mistake, 
 And then he sent for Dr John Blake. 
 
72 THE GOLDEN NOSE. 
 
 The doctor could scarcely look into the old man's face 
 Without laughing at the notion or making a grimace. 
 But 'twas plain that laughter was quite out of place, 
 Since it was a most alarming case. 
 
 He then began to diagnose, 
 
 And talk'd learn'dly, you may very well suppose, 
 
 About nosology and a great deal more. 
 
 And amazed him with his scientific lore. 
 
 He said his disease sometimes arose 
 
 From sympathetic throes or blows upon the nose, 
 
 But at present it arose from taking too much snuff 
 
 Mix'd up with the golden stuff. 
 
 For the mucous membrane being in a h5rperemic state. 
 
 The gold dust was absorbed at a very rapid rate ; 
 
 But when the blood contained as much as it could hold, 
 
 A deposit then occurr'd of the gold. 
 
 And when it had pervaded all the nose as a mould, 
 
 The organic tissues died, leaving nothing but the gold : 
 
THE GOLDEN NOSE. 73 
 
 Just as in petrifactions, in which wood is turn'd to stone, 
 There is nothing left but stone alone. 
 
 He then described three or four modes of cure. 
 
 Some of which would frighten any mortal man, I'm sure. 
 
 The first was by evulsion of the nose from its socket. 
 
 Then he might put his nose into his pocket. 
 
 This was better than the ecrasure or excision, 
 
 Since the whole came away with philosophical precision. 
 
 Whereas other operations were slow torture, I may say, 
 
 The peccant matter not being swept away. 
 
 Another proposition was a liniment and dose 
 
 To act outwardly and inwardly upon this golden nose ; 
 
 A rhino-plastic operation was then to take place, 
 
 Which would mightily improve his face. 
 
 But by no such proposition could he the old man please, 
 
 He thought that the remedies were worse than the disease. 
 
 He said if it were painted that he would do nothing more. 
 
 And he thus would have the gold still in store. 
 
74 THE GOLDEN NOSE. 
 
 'Twas decided that the nose should be painted, and sold 
 
 To the highest bidder for such a lump of gold ; 
 
 The money paid at once, but the nose kept in his head, 
 
 Until the old fellow was dead. 
 
 Now if any of you greedy fellows wish to be told 
 
 Where to buy at a cheap rate a solid lump of gold, 
 
 Dr Blake will inform you where to apply. 
 
 Since he himself does not mean to buy. 
 
THE WEE HIELANT INN. 75 
 
 THE WEE HIELANT INN. 
 
 Air—' The Mistletoe Bough: 
 In a wee Hielant inn a traveller got fou, 
 But naebody wonders at sic a thing noo ; 
 He was ta'en up the stair to his bed by a guide, 
 For the stair had nae railin's upon the ootside. 
 Wi' the bed-claes aboot him he fell on the flair, 
 Till twa in the mornin' he sleepit soond there. 
 Then he wish'd to get oot, and he raxd oot his 
 
 hand; 
 But bewilder'd was he when nae bedside he fand. 
 
 Chorus. 
 Oh the wee Hielant Inn ! oh the wee Hielant Inn ! 
 
 He grapit aboot to feel for the bedside, 
 And the bed seem'd to him to be raither o'er wide ; 
 But he thocht he was richt at the head o' the stair, 
 Sae he poppit his legs o'er to feel for the flair. 
 
76 THE WEE HIELANT INN. 
 
 Nae flair could he find, sae he turn'd round about, 
 And by sma' degrees he let himsel' cot. 
 Till he hung by his twa hands upon the stairhead ; 
 Then he roar'd oot as if he would wauken the dead. — 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 In their nichtgoons, wi' candles, the folk a' cam oot 
 O' their bedrooms to see what the noise was aboot, 
 And there the man hung no an inch frae the flair, 
 Wi' his hands firmly clutchin' the head o' the stair. 
 They laugh'd, and began the puir fellow to blame. 
 But they in his place wad hae dune just the same ; 
 For when a man hangs o'er a place he thinks deep. 
 He thinks naething aboot distiirbin' folk's sleep. — 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 They helpit him doon, for he still roar'd wi' fear ; 
 He then stood dumfounder'd, and look'd unco queer. 
 But he joined in the laugh, as he thocht it was best, 
 And made an excuse for disturbin' their rest. 
 
THE WEE HIELANT INN. 
 
 77 
 
 They took him upstairs to his bed, and he then 
 Said he'd gie up strong drink, but he took till't again. 
 But he never forgot his ridiculous fricht. 
 And ne'er gat sae fou as on that awfu' nicht. — 
 
 Chorus. 
 
78 OUR MEDICAL BILLS. 
 
 OUR MEDICAL BILLS. 
 
 Air — ' Mistletoe Bough' 
 
 An old woman died, as old folk will do, 
 In spite of both doctor and medicine too ; 
 But the husband would not^pay the doctor's account, 
 Altho' he could find no fault with the amount. 
 But his sleep was disturb'd at the dead of the night, 
 By the ghost of his wife, which gave him a fright. 
 She said, ' In Purgatory I must stay until 
 You have honestly paid my Medical Bill.' 
 
 Chorus. 
 Oh, these Medical Bills ! oh, these Medical Bills. 
 
 But the man was a knave, and resolved not to pay, 
 Whatever the ghost or the doctor might say ; 
 But the ghost appear'd always before it was light, 
 And roused him from sleep and bother'd him quite. 
 
OUR MEDICAL BILLS. 79 
 
 So at last, as he thought it would be for the best, 
 He paid the cursed bill, and got rid of this pest 
 Oh, that we all had purgatorial aid 
 To help us in getting our bills fairly paid ! — Chorus. 
 
8o THE HANDSOME FIGURE. 
 
 THE HANDSOME FIGURE. 
 
 I WAS walking along deep in thought about love, 
 And about female beauty and charms, 
 
 When I saw a fine figure a short way ahead, 
 Which I wish'd I could clasp in my arms. 
 
 II. 
 Her dress was so graceful, befitting her form, 
 
 I walked fast to get up alongside ; 
 Then we'd get acquainted, and if all went well, 
 
 I would hint that sne might be my bride. 
 
 III. 
 
 I got up alongside, but I felt quite confused. 
 
 Perfection I saw in her figure ! 
 I then look'd in her face, and I turn'd away ; 
 
 O Jupiter ! she was a Nigger ! 
 
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 
 
 The Right Hon. the Earl of Mar and Kellie, Grand 
 
 Master of Scotland. 
 Sir Michael Shaw Stewart, P.G.M. of Scotland. 
 Sir Molyneux H. Nepean, Grand Bard. 
 The Right Hon. the Earl of Breadalbane, Taymouth 
 
 Castle, Junior Warden. 
 
 Abbot, W. J. C., 63 York Place. 
 Anderson, William, 10 Thirlstane Road. 
 Aitken, Samuel, Tollcross. 
 
 Barrie, George, Solicitor and N.P., 38 Dublin Street. 
 Bruce, Arthur M., 51 Thistle Street. 
 Bryce, John, Architect, 131 George Street. 
 Bonnar, John, 77 George Street. 
 
82 LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 
 
 Bairnsfather, J. H. M., S.S.C, 34 St Andrew Square. 
 
 Brown, George Bryce, 57 Hanover Street. 
 
 Brown, R. S., 5 Marchmont Terrace. 
 
 Brown, Alexander, 12 South St Andrew Street. 
 
 Balfour, Thomas, i Register Place. 
 
 Bryce, William M., 74 George Street. 
 
 Balfour, Robert, 77 Fountainbridge. 
 
 Balfour, J. H., W.S., Thistle Court 
 
 Brown, Robert, A.C.S., New Register House. 
 
 Bryce, Wm. Moir, 5 York Place. 
 
 Christie, Charles G. C, Inland Revenue. 
 Colville, Andrew, 47 Thistle Street. 
 Chapman, Thomas, junior, 11 Hanover Street. 
 Clark, J. Smith, S.S.C, 10 Abercromby Place. 
 Copland, H. Y. D., 59 Melville Street. 
 Coventry, H. J., W.S., 123 George Street. 
 Crichton, James, 47 George Street. 
 Clark, Andrew, S.S.C, 21 Bernard Street, Leith. 
 Cribbes, Matthew, 34 Constitution Street, Leith. 
 Carmichael, Dr James, 22 Northumberland Street. 
 Colston, James, 23 Regent Terrace. 
 Cuthbert, David, S.S.C, 18 Frederick Street. 
 
 Dickson, Dr George, 9 India Street. 
 
 Denholm, Robert, S.S.C, 4 North St David Street. 
 
 Dow, Alexander, 7 South St Andrew Street. 
 
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 83 
 
 Denholm, George, Share Broker, 4 North St David Street. 
 Denham, J. G., 27 Castle Terrace. 
 Dobie, George, 23 George Street. 
 Drummond, W. T., Larkfield, Golden Acre. 
 Duncan, -Alexander, S.S.C., 10 Bernard Street, Leith. 
 
 Elgin, William, 13 North St Andrew Street. 
 Edwards, William, C.A., i Hanover Street. 
 
 Falconer, Dr, St Ann's, Lasswade. 
 
 Forsyth, David, S.S.C., 3 North St David Street. 
 
 Fleming, John, Hanover Hotel. 
 
 Terrier, George S., C.A., 5 York Place. 
 
 Finlay, Robert, S.S.C., 2 Queen Street. 
 
 Finlayson, D., 2 1 George Street. 
 
 Grant, James, 26 Charlotte Street, Leith. 
 
 Glen, William B., S.S.C, 6 North St Andrew Street 
 
 Grieve, James, Waterloo Hotel. 
 
 Galloway, M. P., 24 Old Shore, Leith. 
 
 Guthrie, James, 5 York Place. 
 
 Gow, James M., Union Bank, George Street. 
 
 Gold, Alexander, Factor, Kirkwall. 
 
 Gunther, Herman, 15 Assembly Street, Leith. 
 
 Greig, George, Inspector City Parish, 2 Forrest Road, 
 
 Grant, Peter, 83A Princes Street. 
 
84 . LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 
 
 Hay, Alexander, 45 Princes Street. 
 
 Hay, William, 17 Hill Street. ■ 
 
 Henry, Councillor, 1 2 South St Andrew Street. 
 
 Hay, Councillor, 7 and 8 Huntly Street. 
 
 Harris, "Alexander, Depute Town-Clerk, City Chambers. 
 
 Hamilton, William, 47 George Street. 
 
 Howie, James, 60 Princes Street. 
 
 Harkom, Mr, 32 Princes Street. 
 
 Harper, E. E., Advocate, 40 Queen Street. 
 
 Hannah, William, 67 Northumberland Street. 
 
 Inglis, James, 33 Caledonian Terrace, Dairy. 
 Innes, Robert, 35 Northumberland Street. 
 Inches, James H. (Celtic), 90 Princes Street. 
 
 Jamieson, James, 22 Douglas Crescent. 
 Jamieson, Robert, 6 Haddington Place. 
 Jamieson, Dr, 6 Buccleuch Place. 
 
 Kinnear, David, Grand Cashier, 96 George Street. 
 
 Lyon, D. Murray, Grand Secretary, 96 George Street. 
 Laurie, John, Marble Works, 2 1 Albert Street. 
 Lodge Saint David, No. 36. 
 
 Mann, William, S.S.C, 119 Princes Street. 
 Masterton, John, Convener, 58 Castle Street. 
 
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. .. 85 
 
 Muirhead, John, 46 Great King Street. 
 
 Mitchell, Alexander, Commercial Bank, George Street. 
 
 Menzies, Robert, S.S.C, 5 North gt David Street. 
 
 Miller, William, 14 Charlotte Street, Leith. 
 
 Monteith, Robert D., 18 Hill Street. 
 
 Millie, C. A., Advocate, 36 Dublin Street. 
 
 Moffat, J., 125 Princes Street. 
 
 Mathieson, J., 47 Shore, Leith. ' 
 
 Munro, James,, i Register Place. 
 
 Murray, Henry, 1 1 Hope Park Terrace. 
 
 Murray, George, C.A., 42 Castle Street. 
 
 Mickie, John G., 30 East Preston Street. 
 
 Moir, Dr Alexander, 30 Buccleuch Place. 
 
 Melville, Frank S., D.C.S. 
 
 Morison, Robert, 31 Gayfield Square. 
 
 Montignani, W. R., 46 George Street. 
 
 MacBeth, Norman, R.S.A., 2 Polwarth Terrace. 
 
 M'Caskie, Allan, S.S.C, 8 York Buildings. 
 
 MacLean, William, junr., 96 West George Street, Glasgow. 
 
 M'Ewan, William, 17 Maitland Street. 
 
 M 'Donald, Gilbert, 3 East Assembly Lane. 
 
 M'Lean, Allan, 41 West George Street, Glasgow. 
 
 M'Donald, Mr, 31 Hanover Street. 
 
 M'Nab, The, in Princes Street. 
 
 Mackersy, Lindsay, W.S., 3 North St David Street. 
 
 Milne, William, National Bank, St Andrew Square. 
 
86 LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 
 
 Nisbet, James, S.S.C, 21 York Place. 
 Nightingale, E. W., 19 South St Andrew Street. 
 Neil, Walter, 4 Morrison Street. 
 
 Officer, William, S.S.C, 21 Castle Street. 
 
 Philosophic Institution, 4 Queen Street. 
 
 Plumber, Y. Graham, 8 Marlborough Road, Dalston, 
 
 London. 
 Paterson, Robert, City Assessor, 10 Hanover Street. 
 
 Rennie, James, S.S.C, 57 Castle Street. 
 
 Rhind, John, Sculptor, St Helen's, Cambridge Street. 
 
 Roy, W. G., S.S.C, 56 George Street. 
 
 Roberts, David, S.S.C, 6 Northumberland Street. 
 
 Rae, John, Commercial Bank. 
 
 Robertson, Allan, junr., i Gladstone Place. 
 
 Scott, R. B., 15 Pitt Street. 
 Smith, John, 19 Union Street. 
 Smith, James, 27 Oxford Street. 
 SherifT, Dr, 102 Lauriston Place. 
 Stewart, R. F. Shaw, Blendon, Ayr. 
 
 Tunny, James T., 13 Maitland Street. 
 Thomson, Thomas A., 22 York Place. 
 Taylor, David, 7 Union Place. 
 
LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS. 87 
 
 Turner, D., 40 Commercial Street, Leith. 
 
 Taylor, Charles S., 15 India Street. 
 
 Tait, Councillor Thomas, 8 North St Andrew Street. 
 
 White, Councillor John, 10 South St Andrew Street. 
 Webster, James, A.C.S., New Register House. 
 Whitten, John C, Sherifif-Clerk, Sheriff Court Buildings. 
 White, Councillor Robert, 26 George Street. 
 Whitman, John, 14 George Street. 
 Wylie, Dr Hamilton, 3 George Place, Leith Walk. 
 Wilson, John, Editor Evening News, 18 Market Street.