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IN 
 
 OFFICE 
 HOURS 
 
 And Other SKETCHES for 
 Vaudeville or Private ACTING 
 
 By 
 Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 
 Boston 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 1900 
 
 Digitized by mmosoft® 
 
IN OFFICE 
 
 H OU RS 
 
 
 Copyright, 1900, 
 iy Walter H. Baker £3" Co. 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 IN OFFICE HOURS Page 5 
 
 A QUILTING PARTY IN THE THIRTIES Page 25 
 
 IN AUNT CHLOE'S CABIN Page 35 
 
 THE STORY OF A FAMOUS WEDDING Page 51 
 
 THESE SKETCHES HAVE ALL BEEN PRODUCED WITH CONSPIC- 
 UOUS SUCCESS, UPON THE OCCASIONS SPECIFIED. THEY MAY 
 BE PERFORMED BY AMATEURS WITHOUT THE PAYMENT OF 
 ROYALTY, BUT MANAGERS OR PROFESSIONAL PLAYERS WISH- 
 ING TO PRODUCE THEM SHOULD FIRST COMMUNICATE WITH 
 THE AUTHOR IN CARE OF THE PUBLISHERS. 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
IN OFFICE HOURS 
 
 A Comedy SKETCH in One ACT 
 by Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 
 (Originally produced by the Students of the £esft>n Universiiy 
 School of Medicine , April 7, 1899) 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
IN OFFICE HOURS 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 DOCTOR ROGER ELIOT 
 MR. WOBBLEMORE 
 MR.' HUSTLETON 
 MR. VAN SHEKELS 
 CAESAR, THE OFFICE BOY 
 DOCTOR SALLIE FLOYD 
 MRS. SKIPNIX 
 MRS. WOBBLEMORE 
 MISS GOLFE 
 
 COSTUMES MODERN 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1900, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 6 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
IN OFFICE HOURS 
 
 SCENE. — A doctor s office. The room is of very 
 moderate size, and quite simply furnished, though 
 tvith all possible suggestion of its professional uses ; 
 as an examination table, a bookcase, with heavy pro- 
 fessional-looking volumes, a desk on which is a stetho- 
 scope, an electric lamp for throat-examinations, etc. 
 There is also a large jar, containing unmedicated 
 tablets. As the cuHain rises, Dr. ROGER Eliot is 
 discovered, seated at the desk, reading. He takes a 
 cigar from his case, and reaches out for a match front 
 the box on the desk. Caesar is endeavoring to steal 
 a few tablets from the jar on the desk. Several times 
 he almost succeeds, when some chance movement of 
 Dr. Eliot's startles him, and he retreats. This is 
 repeated once or twice ; and then DR. Eliot looks 
 up. 
 
 Dr. E. I say! Is your nest anywhere about here? 
 
 Caesar (with a jump'). Sah ? Nest, sah .' 
 
 Dr. E. I never saw that particular combination of 
 dodge and flutter, except where there was a nest in the 
 neighborhood somewhere. So I inquired. 
 
 Caesar. I ain't got no nest, sah. Fo' de Lawd, sah, 
 dat's so ! 
 
 Dr. E. Then what does seem to possess you ? 
 
 Caesar. Beg yo' pardon, sah — but yo' is smokin', 
 sah ! 
 
 Dr. E. And smoke is against your principles, eh > 
 
 7 
 
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in Office Hours 
 
 You never use tobacco, it is a filthy weed, . . . you never 
 put it in your mouth, like little Robert Reed ; that sort 
 of thing, eh ? 
 
 Caesar (^dreadfully bewildered'). Ya-as sah ! I — I 
 mean — no, sah! I mean — Miss Dr. Floyd will be 
 here in a minute, and Miss Dr. Floyd have a patient, — 
 and Miss Dr. Floyd's patient she have de nervous 
 prospectses, sah, — an' she moughtn't — 
 
 Dr. E. {looking at his watch) . Miss Dr. Floyd, eh I 
 Yes, that's right. How time does pass in one's leisure 
 hours — I mean one's office-hours! In four minutes 
 this abode of ^Esculapius belongs to my fellow-tenant, 
 under this blessed Box-and-Cox arrangement of ours. 
 And so Miss Dr. Floyd has a patient ? Happy Miss 
 Dr. Floyd ! (^He goes to the closet, takes down his coat, 
 and begins leisurely to take off his office-jacket.) 
 
 Caesar. Ya-as, sah, Miss Dr. Floyd have a patient, 
 and de patient have symptoms, sah ! 
 
 (Takes down coat and brushes it.) 
 
 Dr. E. That is very interesting. Are you treating 
 Miss Dr. Floyd's patient, also, may I ask } 
 
 Caesar. No-o, sah. But when Miss Dr. Floyd ain't 
 come, sah, de patient done talk to me, sah, 'cos she 
 have so many symptoms, sah. 
 
 Dr. E. Happy fellow-tenant ! (^Then the door opens 
 suddenly, and MRS. Skipnix enters. At sight of Dr. E. 
 she pauses, starts, peers agitatedly but unseeingly thro'dgk 
 her spectacles, takes them off., puts them in her bag, takes 
 out another pair, and adjusts them on her nose.) 
 
 Mrs. Skip. You — you — you ain't wjy doctor ! 
 
 Dr. E. (hastily resuming office jacket) . I regret to 
 
 8 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 say, madam, that a great many other people might say 
 that with equal truth. 
 
 Mrs. Skip. If you ain't my doctor, what are you 
 here for ? {Becoming wildly agitated^ I say, what 
 are you here for, in my doctor's ofKce ? (To Caesar, very 
 suddenly and sharply^ Why don't you call the police ? 
 
 (Caesar, who has just stolen a handful of the tablets, 
 startled., chokes.) 
 
 CcBsar. Don't want no police. Dis yer's Massa Dr. 
 Eliot, and dis is Massa Dr. Eliot's office half de time, 
 and Miss Dr. Floyd's office de other half de time ! 
 
 Dr. E. Do me the justice to add, Caesar, that this 
 is my half of the time. Miss Dr. Floyd's rights do 
 not begin for (consults watch') one minute and three- 
 quarters. 
 
 Mrs. Skip. You — you — you have this office with 
 my doctor .■• 
 
 Dr. E. Pardon me. That is what I cbtit do. I 
 have this office with^«^ your doctor, who is due here in 
 three-quarters of a minute. My dear madam, it is very 
 simple. Down-town offices are not offered to the 
 medical aspirant without money and without price. 
 If two doctors keep hours in the same office — different 
 hours, my dear madam! — different hours! — the 
 money and the price are more readily forthcoming. I 
 trust I make myself clear ? 
 
 Mrs. Skip. I don't believe a word you say. You've 
 got a hard, bad face. I believe you're my doctor's 
 young man, and you're cruelly deceiving her; that's 
 what I believe ! 
 
 Dr. E. Your doctor's young man — well, of all 
 
 9 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 the — ! I never set eyes on your doctor in the whole 
 course of my life, and I never want to ! Of all the — 
 Mrs. Skip, {shrilly). I don't believe a word you 
 say ! I don't believe a word you say ! You wait till I 
 see my doctor, and you'll get shown up in your true 
 colors — you see! — you see! (7b Caesar.) Show 
 me to that room over there, where I can set an' wait 
 for my doctor ! Don't you believe a word that man 
 says ! Mark my words, you'd better telephone for the 
 police ! 
 
 (^S he follows Caesar out, in the opposite direction fronti 
 that in which she entered.) 
 
 Dr. E. Well, of all the — . {Animated pantomime ^ 
 suggestive of strong language.) If that's the kind of 
 symptoms she indulges in {here Dr. FLOYD enters), I 
 should like to prescribe a shower-bath ! 
 
 Dr. F. Thank you. That might be a good idea. 
 I've tried nearly everything else. 
 
 (Dr. Eliot turns at the sound of her voice, and, his 
 office-jacket being off, and his coat not yet on, faces her 
 in much confusion. He puts on office-jacket again. ) 
 
 Dr. E. I beg your pardon. There's a rip in the 
 sleeve of this infernal thing, and it only goes on with 
 prayer and fasting. 
 
 Dr. F. You're quite excusable. {She begins lei- 
 surely to remove her hat, gloves, etc.) But, if you'll 
 excuse the suggestion, I {as she notices that he is wild- 
 ly trying to force his coat on over his office jacket) — I 
 think if you took your jacket off before you put your 
 coat on — 
 
 Dr. E. Thank you. {Removes jacket, and puts on 
 
 lO 
 
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In Ojffice Hours 
 
 coat.) I guess I'm rattled. Caesar didn't tell me that Miss 
 Dr. Floyd — I beg your pardon — -Dr. Floyd — had 
 two patients. 
 
 Dr. F. She hasn't. It's humiliating, but she hasn't 
 — I'm not a patient, you know. I'm the doctor. 
 
 Dr. E. You — you are Dr. Floyd ? 
 
 Dr. F. The same. At your service. 
 
 Dr. E. You Dr. Floyd, and my fellow-tenant? 
 Well, I'll be — 
 
 Dr. F. {hastily') . O, I hope not, I'm sure ! Why 
 shouldn't I be Dr. Floyd ? 
 
 Dr. E. Why, I thought you — why, I thought all 
 women doctors — 
 
 Dr. F. Wore short hair and queer petticoats ? Evi- 
 dently you're not a co-ed. 
 
 Dr. E. No. I'm a Hahnemann man. 
 
 Dr. F. Hahnemann's right enough, but it isn't a 
 patch on B. U. S. M.* 
 
 Dr. E. I'm too knocked out to argue. {As he is 
 preparing to go.) I'm sorry I didn't know you be- 
 fore. 
 
 Dr. F. Why? 
 
 Dr. E. O, well — we might have gone together to 
 pick out the furniture. 
 
 Dr. F. Good idea. Save getting duplicates. 
 
 Dr. E. Yes. And then it's such jolly good fun — 
 picking out furniture. 
 
 Dr. F. Especially on the instalment plan. 
 
 Dr. E. Yes. Well — I suppose I must be going. 
 
 * Here can be substituted the name of any college popular in the companjr 
 by which the sketch is played. 
 
 II 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. F. I suppose so. My one patient is likely to 
 appear almost any time. 
 
 Dr. E. Lucky fellow-tenant, to have one patient ! 
 
 Dr. F. You're worn out with too many ? 
 
 Dr. E. Guess again. I'm worn out waiting for my 
 first one. 
 
 Dr. F. Why, haven't you — 
 
 Dr. E. Nary. 
 
 Dr. F. Then how do you — 
 
 Dr. E- Do I pay my half of our rent ? O, cheer 
 up. I have an allowance from my uncle. 
 
 Dr. F. Lucky fellow-tenant ! 
 
 Dr. E. Don't deceive yourself. My uncle believes 
 in the young roughing it. My allowance is the small- 
 est in educational history. 
 
 Dr. F. Lay you a dime that mine is smaller. 
 
 Dr. E. (^feeling in his pockets). I can't see you. I've 
 only a nickel left. My allowance is due this afternoon 
 {Lays a nickel on the desk.) 
 
 Dr. F. It wouldn't be fair ; I should win. My aunt 
 allows me three dollars a week. She's afraid that if I 
 had more, I should succumb to the snares of a great 
 city. 
 
 Dr. E. Yes, you'd have won. My uncle allows me 
 fifteen a month. Hereafter I shall regard it as princely. 
 Good afternoon, doctor. 
 
 Dr. F. Good afternoon, doctor. 
 
 Dr. E. {returning) . I say ! Where have I seen 
 you before? 
 
 Dr. F. I can't say positively, but I think it likely we 
 patronize the same-priced restaurants. 
 
 12 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. E. Maybe that's it. Good afternoon. 
 
 Dr. F. Good afternoon, doctor. {^He goes out.) 
 
 (Dr. F. laughs and touches a bell on the desk. 
 Caesar enters.) 
 
 Dr. F. Is the patient there, Caesar? 
 
 Caesar. Ya-as'm. (^He edges around the desk to- 
 ward the jar of tablets.) 
 
 Dr. F. Tell her to come in. 
 
 Caesar {with his mouth full of tablets). Ya-as'm. 
 (^He goes out.) 
 
 Dr. F. What's that boy eating? {Notices that the 
 cover of the jar is off.) O ! That's it, is it? I thought 
 my sugar-of-milk tablets went rather briskly. 
 (Dr. E. enters.) 
 
 Dr. E. I merely came back to say that I hope if 
 you need a consultant on the case of that one patient 
 of yours you'll remember a fellow-tenant. 
 
 Dr. F. You can count on me,- if you'll share the 
 proceeds. Meanwhile, what would you advise for an 
 office-boy wjio consumes sugar-of-milk without asking 
 permission ? 
 
 Dr. E. {consulting pocket repertory) . Tartar emetic. 
 
 Dr. F. Good. Better than ipecac. I'd been think- 
 ing of ipecac. 
 
 Dr. E. Either ought to do. If they fail, call me in 
 and I'll try a rattan treatment. 
 
 Dr. F. You really have ideas. Good afternoon. 
 
 Dr. E. Good afternoon, doctor. {He goes out.) 
 
 (Dr. F. opens a drawer of the desk and takes out a 
 bottle. She empties the sac-lac tablets out of the jar, and 
 puts back a few that she has moistened from the bottle^ 
 
 13 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. F. The way of the transgressor will be achey ! 
 {Enter CAESAR, showing in MRS. Skipnix.) 
 
 Mrs. Skip. Is he gone? 
 
 (Caesar, the doctor purposely not noticing him, steals 
 a handful of the pellets and goes out.) 
 
 Dr. F. Is he gone? 
 
 Mrs. Skip. Your young man. 
 
 Dr. F. No ; he hasn't come yet. I've been waiting 
 for him twenty odd years. 
 
 Mrs. Skip. I mean the young man with the hard 
 and evil face that I found here when I first came in. 
 (Seats herself.) 
 
 Dr. F. I suppose you mean Dr. Eliot, who has 
 desk-room here. 
 
 Mrs. Skip, {hitches chair nearer Dr. F.). O, my 
 dear young friend, do not deceive yourself. The ways 
 of the tempter are — 
 
 Dr. F. Your symptoms, please, Mrs. Skipnix? 
 
 Mrs. Skip. I never yet was mistook in my judg- 
 ments of character, and if ever I saw a c^ark an' evil 
 face — 
 
 Dr. F. My time is limited, Mrs. Skipnix, and if you 
 would kindly come to your symptoms — 
 
 (Caesar enters. His face is less black, by several 
 shades, having an ashen pallor.) 
 
 Caesar. There's another patient askin' for yo', an' I 
 reckon I'm dyin' myself. 
 
 Dr. F. I'll see the other patient presently. And 
 you won't die for half an hour or so. 
 
 (Caesar presses his hands to his stomach, with a 
 hollow groan, and goes out.) 
 
 14 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. F. Now, your symptoms, Mrs. Skipnix ! 
 
 Mrs. Skip. If ever I saw a dark an' evil — 
 
 Dr. F. {^rising impatiently) . Really, Mrs. Skipnix, 
 you heard what my office-boy said. 
 
 Mrs. Skip. Set down — I'm a comin' to it. It's a 
 perfectly new symptom. 
 
 Dr. F. {sits). Where is it? 
 
 Mrs. Skip. In my almanac. 
 
 Dr. F. In your — 
 
 Mrs. Skip, (^producing a pamphlet bound in the gau- 
 diest possible colors). In my "Ready Rejuvenator 
 Almanac." They give one away with every two bottles. 
 
 Dr. F. Do I understand you are taking another 
 treatment than mine ? 
 
 Mrs. Skip. Lord bless your soul ! did you think any 
 one doctor could cover as many symptoms as I've got? 
 I take your medicine Mondays and Fridays, an' the 
 " Rejuvenator " Wednesdays and Sundays ; an' the 
 other days — 
 
 Dr. F. Excuse me, Mrs. Skipnix, but until you are 
 prepared to follow my directions exclusively, I must 
 decline to prescribe further for you. 
 
 Mrs. Skip, (rising). Well, the conceit of these 
 beginners ! My family doctor, says he, Mrs. Skipnix, 
 says he, if I was to undertake to cover all your symp- 
 toms, says he, I should have to hire an assistant, says 
 he, besides givin' up week-days an' Sundays to it, says 
 he. An' to think — {^She edges toward the door, the 
 doctor standing and waiting for her to go.) An' over 
 an' above all, I am bound as a mother to say that of all 
 the dark an' evil faces — 
 
 IS 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Office Hours 
 
 (Dr. F. rings her bell. Caesar instantly falls into 
 the room, as if he had been leaning against the door 
 on the outside. He is several shades grayer still. He 
 wildly and weakly staggers against Mrs. Skip. in the 
 effort to show her out. She is agitatedly changing her 
 spectacles, with a view to examining him more closely, 
 as they go out together. As they go, Dr. Eliot enters 
 from the other side.) 
 
 Dr. F. O my prophetic soul ! Were you the other 
 patient ? 
 
 Dr. E. Not at all, O popular practitioner ! There 
 are four, no less, waiting outside. This is your busy 
 day. I merely came back for my umbrella. 
 
 Dr. F. Don't tell me it's raining ! 
 
 Dr. E. Level torrents. 
 
 Dr. F. O, my last and only spring bonnet ! 
 
 Dr. E. I hoped — I mean I was afraid you hadn't 
 any umbrella. May I wait outside and see you to the 
 car.' 
 
 Dr. F. Will you .'' O fellow-tenant, you are an 
 angel ! 
 
 Dr. E. Doctors aren't angels — only angel-makers, 
 now and then. I wait your sovereign leisure. I cer- 
 tainly have seen you somewhere before ! (Jle goes 
 out.) 
 
 (Caesar staggers limply in, showing in Mr. Hustle- 
 TON. He enters at top speed, watch in hand.) 
 
 Hustle. Train to catch, in six and a half minutes. 
 Want a prescription. 
 
 Dr. F. (^after critically surveying him through her 
 eyeglasses) . Begun to see snakes yet 1 
 
 i6 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Hustle. No ; nothing bigger than beetles. 
 
 Dr. F. Head splitting? 
 
 Hustle. Bustin'. 
 
 Dr. F. Thirsty ? 
 
 Hustle. I could bankrupt a reservoir. 
 
 Dr. F. {who has been filling a bottle with tablets'). 
 There you are. {Hands him the bottle.^ Live on hot 
 beef-tea a day or two ; soak your head in ice-water 
 whenever you get a chance ; and pull up. If you don't, 
 you'll see snakes within a week — good-sized ones, too. 
 Two dollars, please. 
 
 Hustle, {hands a bill). There's a V. Never mind 
 the change. You're the only woman I ever saw that 
 had a head. {Goes to door ; returns.) Are you mar- 
 ried? 
 
 Dr. F. No. 
 
 Hustle. Want to be ? 
 
 Dr. F. Not to-day. There's the change. Good 
 afternoon. 
 
 Hustle. I'm sorry. You've really got a head. {Looks 
 at watch.') Gee ! I've got to hustle for that train ! 
 {Goes out on the run.) 
 
 (Dr. F. rings bell. As before, Caesar falls in, still 
 several shades grayer.) 
 
 Dr. F. Well, what next? 
 
 Caesar. Death an' de debble, I reckon. 
 
 Dr. F. I didn't mean for yourself. I know what is 
 going to happen to you. I meant the next patient. 
 
 Caesar. Ya-as'm. {He staggers out.) 
 
 Dr. F. Three patients ! I shall consider taking an 
 assistant. 
 
 17 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 (^Enter Caesar, showing in Mr. and MRS. WOBBLE- 
 MORE. Mr. W. draws his shawl apprehensively about 
 his shoulders.) 
 
 Mr. W. {looking affrightedly at Caesar, who is stag- 
 gering'). There — there's something wrong about that 
 hoy — there's something dreadfully wrong. 
 
 Dr. F. Yes — that's why I get him cheap. (Caesar, 
 unobserved, falls down behind sofa, R.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't bother, Solomon — attend to busi- 
 ness ! 
 
 Mr. W. (^feebly seating himself, R. C). One mo- 
 ment, Maria. There's a draft. I can distinctly feel 
 a draft. I must decline to attend to anything before 
 that draft is attended to. 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't bother, Solomon ! Do you think 
 you can do anything for him ? (Suddenly, to Dr. F.) 
 
 Dr. F. That depends. What's the matter with him ? 
 
 Mrs. W. Nothing. (Mr. W. moans feebly.) 
 
 Dr. F. That's a complicated thing to treat. What's 
 been done for him? 
 
 Mrs. W. Everything. We've taken the doctors in 
 alphabetical order. He likes it best that way, for 
 fear I'll skip somebody. He's taken every " pathy " 
 in creation. 
 
 Mr. W. I haven't, Maria. There's a new one — 
 clam — clam — its something to do with a clam. 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't bother, Solomon. It isn't anything 
 to do with a clam. You haven't struck it yet. 
 
 Mr. W. Clam — clam — 
 
 Dr. F. Try oyster-pathy. Osteopathy, you know. 
 
 Mr. W. That's it. 
 
 i8 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't bother, Solomon. The oyster-men 
 come below the F's. She's an F. Go ahead. (Dr. F. 
 draws a chair beside Mr. W. ; sits.) 
 
 Dr. F. What do you seem to feel, yourself, is the 
 matter with you ? 
 
 Mr. W. (in a hoarse whisper, pointing to his wife, who 
 is moving about examining the objects in the roont). Her ! 
 
 Dr. F. Eh? 
 
 Mr. W. Her. She's the matter with me. She 
 married me in infancy. In my infancy. She was a 
 friend of my mother's. I was born delicate. She 
 married me to toughen me. She's awfully tough her- 
 s«f. She's almost killed me. She gives me an ice- 
 cold bath every morning — 
 
 Mrs. W. Solomon, don't bother ! You see, don't 
 you. Doctor, there's nothing on earth the matter with 
 him. He might as well go to oyster-pathy. 
 
 Mr. W. (in the satne sepulchral whisper). She 
 makes me sleep on a mattress that ain't any thicker 
 than an envelope. She — 
 
 Dr. F. See here — how would you like to go south ? 
 With a nurse, you know ? With a personally selected 
 nurse ? 
 
 Mr. W. (with a gasp of ecstasy). Alone.' (Dr. 
 F. nods.) By myself? (Nods again.) Without her? 
 (T>K.¥.tiods.) Gee!! (With a wide, pale grin.) 
 
 Dr. F. (rises). Madam, if you really wish my 
 opinion on your husband's condition, it is that he needs 
 toughening. (Mr. W. gives a short groan.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Haven't I said so for the last ten years ? 
 Haven't I — 
 
 19 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. F. Undoubtedly. But in my opinion, a hus- 
 band, while he is in his wife's too indulgent care, is 
 shielded from the influences that tend to genuine tough- 
 ening. QilK.^ . grins feebly^ I should recommend, 
 in your husband's case, a trip without yOur company, 
 in the hands of an unsympathetic professional nurse — 
 a rather prolonged trip (Mr. W.'s grin widens.'), say 
 to Cuba, or Jamaica. 
 
 Mr. W. What's the matter with the Philippines, 
 Maria? 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't bother, Solomon, with what doesn't 
 concern you ! That's a good notion, Doctor. (Mr. W. 
 rises and moves gently to door. ) And it would give me 
 time for a little steeplechasing — I think well of it. 
 Two dollars? 
 
 Dr. F. Two dollars. Thank you. 
 
 Mr. W. By myself ! At a safe distance ! Tol-de- 
 lol-de-lol — (^ffe executes a few feeble and ungainly 
 dance-steps.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Solomon ! (^She goes out.^ 
 
 Mr. W. {collapsing). I felt a draft, my dear — I 
 felt a draft. {To Dr. F., in a hoarse whisper, as he 
 goes.) I'm going to send you a cheque to-morrow! 
 
 {As Mr. and Mrs. W. go out. Miss CiO\.Y-& enters, on 
 the run, nearly oversetting them.) 
 
 Miss G. {rushing up to Dr. F.). I say! It's awfully 
 wrong to marry, isn't it, now, when you have epileptic 
 fits? 
 
 Dr. F. {after a gasp). Awfully. 
 
 Miss G. Then I'm going to have 'em ! 
 
 Dr. F. To order? 
 
 20 
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In Ojffice Hours 
 
 Miss G. To order ! I was a peach in college the- 
 atricals. Say — he'll be here in a minute. It's like 
 this. My stepmother wants me to marry a fool. He's 
 her nephew — he's got some money. I can't go away till 
 I'm of age, and I won't have him botherin' round. I 
 told him I had epileptic fits. He said he didn't believe it. 
 I told him you were my doctor, and you would tell him — • 
 
 Dr. F. But, my dear child — 
 
 Miss G. O, hold on a minute ! All you've got to 
 tell him is that it's wicked to marry any one with epi- 
 leptic fits, and I'll do the rest. 
 
 Dr. F. But — 
 
 Miss G. {rushing across to chair, R. C). O, this is 
 him ! 
 
 (Mr. Van Shekels enters.) \ 
 
 Mr. V. S. You are Miss Golfe's physician .'' 
 
 Dr. F. Is that her name .'' I — I mean — yes ; I 
 suppose so. 
 
 Mr. V. S. Do you consider — 
 
 (Miss G. shows signs of approaching fits.) 
 
 Dr. F. That marriage, with a history of previous 
 epilepsy, is justifiable? Distinctly, I do not. 
 
 Mr. V. S. But the question is, don't you know — 
 
 (^Here Miss G. gives a loud scream, and falls into a 
 
 most appalling fit.) 
 
 Dr. F. {rushing to MiSS G. and tending her). You 
 see for yourself. The very sight of you has brought her 
 malady on this unhappy girl. I beg of you, leave her 
 to me. Make no further efTort to see her. 
 
 Mr. V. S. Effort to see her .? I'm going to take 
 passage on a Cunarder ! ( Goes hastily.) 
 
 21 
 
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In Office Hours 
 
 Miss G . (embracing Yi'S.. Y ^ . O, you cherub! I've 
 done it ! (Goes to mirror ; puts on hat.) You stood by 
 me like a man and a brother ! What's your fee ? 
 
 Dr.F. (out of breath; laughing). Nothing, thank 
 you. It's enough to abet a felony, without getting paid 
 for it ! 
 
 Miss G. Bless you ! 
 
 (^Exit.) 
 
 Dr. F. (sinks into a chair). This has been a very 
 busy day, indeed ! Whew ! I wonder if there are any 
 more ! (Rings bell.) Caesar ! Caesar ! I wonder if 
 that boy is dead ? I'm beginning to be scared ! 
 (Enter Dr. Eliot. ) 
 
 Dr. E. Did anybody call ? 
 
 Dr. F. O, I'm so glad you waited ! Where on 
 earth do you suppose Caesar is ? 
 
 (A weak voice from behind the sofa moans, " Here I 
 is, Miss Doctor Floyd / " Dr. Eliot makes a dive and 
 drags out CAESAR, bleached almost white, and in a state 
 of utter collapse. They carry him to chair, R. C.) 
 
 Dr. F. O, my goodness gracious ! Rub his hands, 
 can't you. What in the world antidotes tartar emetic 1 
 
 Dr. E. How should I know } I passed my exams, 
 six months ago ! 
 
 Dr. F. You helped me kill him — I should think you 
 might help me bring him to ! 
 
 Dr. E. O, if that's all ! (In a dreamy voice.) 
 There's a circus in town. (Caesar shows abrupt signs 
 of returning animation.) It has monkeys, and a pony 
 with a spotted tail. I was thinking of giving Caesar a 
 ticket to that circus — I'm sorry he's dead. 
 
 22 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Office Hours 
 
 Caesar {reviving abruptly'). I ain't dead, Massa 
 Doctor Eliot — I reckon I kin go to dat circus. Did yo' 
 say he had a spotted tail ? I feels a heap aliver. But 
 0, Massa Doctor Eliot ! De things dat have been 
 happening in my insides ! 
 
 Dr. F. Get up. I'm glad you didn't die this time. 
 You shall have some peanuts to eat at the circus. Go 
 and lock up the anteroom. (Caesar makes a 
 wobbly exit.) I'm glad, on the whole, that office-hours 
 are over ! Does it still rain .■■ 
 
 Dr. E. No. It has cleared off ! That's what I 
 stayed to tell you. 
 
 Dr. F. (putting on her hat and gloves. He assisting 
 her). Thank you. Do you remember where you saw 
 me, yet ? 
 
 Dr. E. Just not quite. I seem to remember that 
 there were Japanese lanterns — and there was music 
 somewhere. 
 
 Dr. F. Yes. The band was in front of Holworthy. 
 They were playing the Waldteufel waltzes. I wore 
 muslins then, and I hadn't graduated into eyeglasses. 
 That was your Freshman year at Harvard. It was ever 
 so long ago. 
 
 Dr. E. Jupiter Tonans ! You don't mean to tell 
 me you're the little Sally Floyd my sister chummed with 
 in the prep, school ! 
 
 Dr. F. I'm the Sally Floyd, without the little. 
 
 Dr. E. And you knew all the time .■• 
 
 Dr. F. Of course. Did you suppose I'd have gone 
 shares in an office with a gentleman of unknown ante- 
 cedents .' 
 
 23 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Office Hours 
 
 Dr. E. Shake hands ! {Catches her hand, holds it 
 till she withdraws it. He takes both hands.') Do shake 
 hands ! This is the very joUiest go that ever I hit ! I 
 say ! — We can begin just where we left off, can't we ? 
 
 Dr. F. Well — not precisely — perhaps — 
 
 Dr. E. No-o — I remember. (Jle puts on her jack- 
 et.') I used to kiss you sometimes, when you were in 
 the prep, school. We'll begin just a step or two back, 
 since it's too early for us to be buying furniture together 
 — I mean too late — too late for us to be buying furni- 
 ture together. 
 
 Dr. F. It's been a riotous afternoon. Too much 
 money always makes me nervous. Don't you want to 
 go to the opera ? I owe you a consultation fee on Cae- 
 sar's case, you know. 
 
 Dr. E. Overjoyed ! My allowance must have come 
 by this time. . . . We'll have supper at the Touraine. 
 
 Dr. F. I'm glad that you remember now where you 
 saw me. It's jolly to have Mamie's brother for a fel- 
 low-tenant. 
 
 Dr. E. (as they go out together). Jolly is no name 
 for it ! I mean I am so glad to be chums with Mamie's 
 sister — I mean — I wish it weren't too early to buy 
 furniture — I mean, too late to — too late to — 
 
 {They go out together he still protesting and she 
 laughing at him.) 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 24 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
A QUILTING PARTY 
 IN THE THIRTIES 
 
 An Outline SKETCH for MUSIC 
 by Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 
 (Originally produced in connection with the Pageant Our Ne w 
 England,aXt\ie B oston Theatre, April lo, 1899) 
 
 25 
 
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A dUILTING PARTY 
 IN THE THIRTIES 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 ELDER DAVID ELLIOTT 
 
 HENRY HOLLISTER Originally played by Mr. John 
 
 Franklin Botume 
 SAUL APTHORP 
 REUBEN LUDD (tenor) 
 JIM SMALL (violin) 
 BEN COOPER (guitar) 
 
 GRANDMA PAMELA REDTHORNE Originally played by Miss 
 
 Bertha Swift 
 PERSIS REDTHORNE Originally played by Miss Maud 
 
 Blackmer 
 RACHEL REDTHORNE 
 
 ABIGAIL APTHORP Originally played by Miss Agnes 
 
 Everett 
 
 A CHORUS OF Firrv or so young people 
 
 THE period is 183O THE PLACE IS THE REDTHORNE FARM IN 
 
 NORTHERN MAINE THE TIME IS THE EARLY 
 
 EVENING OF A WINTER'S DAY 
 
 Copyright, jgoo, by Walter H. Baker <Sr» Co. 
 
 26 
 
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A jilting Party /« the ^ Thirties 
 
 SCENE. — The interior of an old-fashioned kitchen. 
 There is a great fireplace, with a fire biirning, R. 
 Strings of onions, dried apples, hams, etc., hang from 
 the rafters. There is a large " dresser," back, L. with 
 oldfashioned china, polished tins, etc. A spinning- 
 wheel. An old-time clock. A door, back, '^. Opaque 
 windows; it beitig night. The kitchen is lighted 
 by many tallow candles. A set of quilting frames 
 are at L. 3. Over the fireplace is a " Queen's arm. " 
 musket. All the young people are in the centre of 
 the stage, singing vigorously under the direction of 
 Henry Hollister, the village schoolmaster. 
 Grandmother Redthorne sits in a great arm- 
 chair by the fire. ELDER Elliott stands by her 
 €hair, gently beating time to the music. The selec- 
 tion is " China." At its conclusion, the group of 
 singers breaks up ; the girls go to the quiltingframes 
 and set them, in motion ; the young m,en bashfully 
 assist them. The GRANDMOTHER and the ELDER 
 fall into quiet talk. Persis Redthorne comes 
 forward, her eyes reddened with tears ; she surrep- 
 titiously wipes them. HOLLISTER watches her from 
 a little distance. Rachel Redthorne comes down 
 to Persis. 
 
 Rachel. They will see thee, dear coz ! Dry thine 
 eyes, sweeting ; they will rebuke thee for such a face on 
 thy birthday ! 
 
 27 
 
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A jilting Party in the ' Thirties 
 
 Persis. Let them ! Was ever anything so cruel ? 
 
 Rachel. As the Elder's choosing this night of nights 
 to take your house for his lodging ? It is a hard wager. 
 We had thought to be so gay ! 
 
 Persis. Fine gayety, to stand and sing, and sing, 
 songs of the tomb, and the worm, and — 
 
 Abigail Apthorp (coming suddenly behind them). 
 The devil ! ( They spring to either side, with a little 
 scream.^ 
 
 Abi. Nay ! I did but finish the tale of what songs 
 we sang. 
 
 Persis. O, Gail ! Is't not cruel that Elder Elliott 
 must needs come to-night, and put all our birthday 
 gayety to rout ? 
 
 Abi. Truly the good Elder seems the right man in 
 the wrong place, as said the maid who was kissed by her 
 sister's husband. 
 
 Rachel. Hush ! The Elder may hear thee ! 
 
 Abi. He has joked jokes in his days, or I cannot 
 read the angles of a man's eyes. But his day is at sun- 
 set, and it darkens all our noon. Picture it ! We 
 might even have danced a reel ! 
 
 Hollister. There are two lads in the woodshed, Mis- 
 tress Persis, and under their jackets they hide each a 
 fiddle. They said they heard there was sport toward 
 at the Redthorne Farm to-night, and they would gladly 
 lend their gypsy music for a supper and a bed in the 
 hay. 
 
 Rachel. The fiddlers to our call, and the Elder at 
 the hearth ! Dear Gail, name him again, of whom you 
 said we sang ! 
 
 28 
 
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A Quilting Party in the 'Thirties 
 
 Abi. The de — (Persis puts her hand over Abi- 
 gail's lips^ 
 
 Persis. Master Hollister, look not too closely at 
 mine eyes ! I am as a very child at the loss of my 
 birthday sport ! 
 
 Holl. Be comforted, dear Mistress . Persis ! Be — 
 {Jie bends more closely over her?) 
 
 Abi. Ay, by all means be — (she blows a kiss') dear 
 Mistress Persis, since Master Hollister is so willing for 
 the consolation, but not so near the Grandame and the 
 Elder ! 
 
 Persis (moving timidly from Hollister). Ah, 
 Gail ! Shame to you ! (Hollister atid Persis move 
 up stage ^ 
 
 Abi. Nay, tell the truth and shame the — sh ! Do 
 I not know the symptoms of courting, and my wedding 
 ring a year old? 
 
 Rach. And your husband — • 
 
 Abi. Asleep in the corner, bless him ! With his 
 courting over for safe and all ! Rachel ! Rachel ! 
 Think of me ! Our fun and our dance must somehow 
 be saved to us. Elder or no Elder. All men are some 
 woman's subjects ; would we could find her who could 
 queen it over the Elder ! 
 
 Rachel. Such a queen was Grandma Redthorne 
 once. 
 
 Abi. Good luck ! O best good luck ! Do you 
 mean that the Elder once came a-wooing Grandma 
 Redthorne ? 
 
 Rachel. He has wooed none since; and it is fifty 
 years. 
 
 29 
 
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A jilting Party in the Thirties 
 
 AM. Good luck indeed. Grandma's eyes are bright 
 still, and she is no foe to youth and folly. Our sport is 
 sure. 
 
 Rachel. What are you planning, madcap ? 
 
 Abi. Trust me and wait. 
 
 Rachel. Too late! See, the Elder! (ABIGAIL 
 goes down stage, and talks with GRANDMA Redthorne.) 
 
 Elder Elliott {speaking to the company. His manner 
 is authoritative, yet gentle'). It is good that the gather- 
 ings of the young move to the sound of godly music. 
 Is there none of the youth or maidens who can lift 
 another sacred song .■■ 
 
 Abi. Ay, sure Elder ! That can my good man ! 
 Wake, Saul, and lift thy voice in song ! (^She shakes 
 Saul *Apthorp, who is asleep and snoring in an arm- 
 chair?) 
 
 Saul. Is it day so soon, wife Abigail ! Nay but 
 the nights are short ! 
 
 Abi. Wake quickly ! Thou art needed to lift thy 
 voice in the hymn of good " Dundee." ,., 
 
 Elder (regarding Saul over his spectacles with 
 apprehension). Dundee hath many verses, and her good- 
 man hath not the air of a singing brother. 
 
 Holl. His bull, Bashan, in the south pasture, can 
 lift a tune more tunefully than he ! 
 
 Grandma. Madcap jade, my niece Abigail ! 
 
 Saul. Sing } Wife Abigail, ever did'st thou say — 
 
 Abi. I say now what I say ! Sing ! 
 
 Saul {bewildered, but meek?) Ay, wife Abigail. 
 
 (Saul drones out, in an interminable, tuneless bellow, 
 a verse of " Dundee." The company cannot disguise 
 
 30 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
.^ scuii.tin\r r any m me inirtits 
 
 shunting r any 
 
 their dismay. Some stop their ears. Great distress 
 grows on the Elder's/«c^. Abigail softly beats time to 
 her husband's singing, with an expression of placid pride 
 and pleasure^ 
 
 Elder E. {at conclusion of verse. Hurriedly^. 'Good- 
 man Apthorp seems weary. And "Dundee" hath 
 many verses. Let us come to his aid, and unite in a 
 chorus. Master Hollister, will you assemble our friends, 
 and instruct them in a suitable number .? 
 
 (HoLL. assembles the company into position, as at rise of 
 curtain. He gives them instruction in dum-b show.) 
 
 Abi. I do not think "Dundee" will be in demand 
 by the pious, for a day or two ! 
 
 Reuben Ludd (crossing toward chorus with Rachel). 
 'Tis aguish sport, to chant plain-songs when one had 
 come in the hope of a lively kissing-game ! 
 
 Rachel. Shame upon thee Reuben 1 
 
 Reu. Shame, that I speak to thee of kissing .■" 
 
 Rach. Nay, shame that thou did'st speak of it so 
 loud! 
 
 ( They join the chorus. HOLLISTER taps with his 
 tuning-fork. All sound. The chorus sings " Strike the 
 Cymbals " with the greatest vim and gusto ^ 
 
 Grandma (to the ELDER. The groups are oiue more 
 
 . breaking up. The young m,en atid women pair off, and sit 
 
 and move about, in picturesque groups, chatting). 'Tis 
 
 a fine, martial, ringing song, the " Cymbals ! " I aye 
 
 liked it well. 
 
 Elder. Thy preference was ever for the church 
 militant, Pamela. To my pain, I learned that lesson, 
 fifty years ago. 
 
 31 
 
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A jilting Party in the 'Thirties 
 
 Grandma. The man that carried that musket, up 
 there, gave me the legacy of fighting blood. 'Twas 
 kin of mine helped brew the tea the Indians made, in- 
 Boston Harbor. I was not born or bred an olive- 
 branch, David, whatever the Scripture saith. 
 
 Elder. I heard thee sing, in the old years, Pamela, 
 a good song of that same tea. It is not a Scriptural 
 song, but it lifteth the heart very pleasantly. Wilt 
 thou not sing again that song, for the old years' 
 sake .'' 
 
 Grandma. I sing } Nay, my voice hath flown away 
 on the wings of the old years. 
 
 (^The young people surroujid her, persuading her.') 
 
 Persis. As a birthday giving, grandma ! 
 
 (Grandma sings "Revolutionary Tea" ; the young 
 people, who are grouped around and behind her, joining 
 in the clwrus.') 
 
 Elder E. Nay, a dear song ! A dear song ! The new 
 songs cannot mate it ! 
 
 Grandma. What know you of the new songs t You 
 hear but the echoes of a dusty pulpit ! Master Hol- 
 lister, do you and three of your most tuneful scholars 
 sing us a new song, and let it be a song of love ! 
 
 Per. Thou dearest grandma ! (Hugs her.) 
 
 Elder E. Of love .' Fearest thou not, Pamela, that 
 with all these youths and maidens — 
 
 Grandma. When young lips are but singing of 
 love, David, they are put to truly safe use ! Now, 
 Master Hollister ! 
 
 (HoLLiSTER, Persis, Rachel and Reuben sing 
 "Love's Young Dream," as a quartette, with the verses 
 
 32 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
A Quilting Party in the Thirties 
 
 sung as solos. The chorus repeats, piano, the last two lines 
 of each verse.") 
 
 Elder E. (repeating softly, half in speech, half in 
 song). O, there's nothing half so sad in life as love's 
 young dream — as love's young dream. 
 
 (^The young people move quietly away, leaving the old 
 couple alone.) 
 
 Grandma. Nay, old friend ! The pine is green even 
 when the snow lies thick on the dead roses. Love's 
 young dream is as the rose ; but the faithful pine is old, 
 tried friendship ! 
 
 (He takes her hand and kisses it.) 
 
 Abi. If ever, now — now! 
 
 (She hurries to the door, and beckons. Enter 
 Jim Small, and Ben Cooper, two gypsyish lads, 
 ragged, with fiddles sticking out from under their jackets.) 
 
 Rachel. Grandmother, here are two lads, from off 
 the road, who ask a sup of something hot and comfort- 
 ing. 'Tis a cold night. 
 
 Grandma. When ever did the Redthorne Farm refuse 
 bite and sup to a wayfarer, warm night or cold } Make 
 them freely welcome ! 
 
 (The two boys bow and scrape, grinning.) 
 
 Elder (peering at them, benevolently) . Be those in- 
 fants, they shelter so kindly from the cold ? 
 
 Jim (froducing his fiddle, with a chuckle). The baby 
 have a fine strong voice in his little stomach. Master 
 Parson ! 
 
 (Sensation. The young people crowd forward, breath- 
 lessly.) 
 
 Saul. The cat's out o' the bag, as well as the fiddle ! 
 Digitized by %&rosoft® 
 
A iiuilting Party in the Thirties 
 
 Elder E. It is Belial that is come amongst us ! 
 
 Reu. I said it ! Our bird is cooked ! 
 
 Hoi. Brown ! 
 
 Grandma. Nay then, David, Belial is an old frienc 
 of thine and mine. Hast forgotten the dance in Eaton's 
 barn, when the old days were young ? We danced thai 
 dance together, David ; were we ever the worse of it ? 
 
 Elder E. It gave me a heartache, Pamela, that has 
 lasted me for five-and-forty years. What was the tune 
 the fiddles played that summer night, Pamela? 
 
 (Abigail softly makes signal to the boys ; they begin to 
 play " The Girl I Left Behind Me ," very quietly at firsts 
 then clearly. The ELDER is lost in reverie. Abigaii 
 forms all the company for the dance. A t the end of the first 
 round of it, when the lad is chasing his partner about for a 
 ; kiss, the Elder comes suddenly out of his reverie. He 
 draws himself up sternly. At the sound of his voice, with 
 its severe ecclesiastical ring, the dance pauses, the young 
 people shrinking in fright^ 
 
 Elder E. What is this 1 I say what have we here i 
 
 Grandma {rising, laying her hand on his arm, ana 
 sm.iling up at him.) What is it, David .'' Don't you know \ 
 'Tis the dance we danced together, in Eaton's barn ! 
 
 (The Elder relaxes his stem face. He quietly lays 
 his hand over hers, as it lies on his arm. They watch 
 the dance as it goes on. At the end, as the last lad is 
 chasing his partner for a kiss, the ELDER suddenly catches 
 Grandma's hand, and draws her into the dance, "foot- 
 ing" it gayly, the young people laughing and applauding^ 
 
 Curtain. 
 34 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
IN 
 AUNT CHLOE'S CABIN 
 
 A Negro-Comedy SKETCH in One ACT 
 
 by Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 
 (Originally produced by the Wo m an's P r ofe ssional Le ague 
 of New York City, at their famous " all woman's " Minstrel Show, 
 at Hammers tein's O lympia Theatre, May 12, 1898) 
 
 35 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
IN AUNT CHLOE'S CABIN 
 C HARACTERS 
 
 AS ORIGINALLY CAST 
 
 MAM' MARTHY 
 
 STARILLA EUGENIA 
 
 AUNT CHLOE 
 
 MISS MOLLIE 
 
 MISS MARCIA 
 
 MISS CATHARINE 
 
 MISS EDITH 
 
 LILLY LOO 
 
 SARA SAPPHIRA 
 
 MRS. DOCTOR DOLPHUS 
 
 MRS. EDITOR EMS 
 
 MRS. JUDGE JONES 
 
 MRS. COLONEL CRACKEM 
 
 THE TWINSON TWINS 
 
 THALIA DEBORAH 
 
 MELPOMENE SIDDONS 
 
 MRS. W. G. JONES 
 
 MISS LAVINIA SHANNON 
 
 MRS. CHAS. CRAIG 
 
 MISS CLARA EVERETT 
 
 MISS MABEL NORTON 
 
 MISS BESSIE GRAHAM 
 
 MISS ELLA GUTHRIDGE 
 
 MISS DAISY LOVERING 
 
 MRS. EMMA SHERIDAN FRY 
 
 MISS LOUISE RIAL 
 
 MISS ANN WARRINGTON 
 
 MISS LIZZIE RECHELLE 
 
 MISS JULIA RALPH 
 
 MEMBERS OF the shucktown militia, etc. 
 
 Copyright, igoo, by Walter H. Baker &> Ce. 
 36 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloes Cabin 
 
 SCENE. — The interior of a negro cabin. The back and 
 sides are of rough logs. A fireplace, L. Seats of 
 cut-down barrels, boxes, zvooden benches and bro- 
 ken chairs. A possum is roasting whole before 
 the fire. Corn-cake is baking, in cover tins, upon the 
 hearth. The cabin is illuminated by candles stuck 
 in bottles, and by *' pine-knots," in rings, on the wall. 
 Pictures from illustrated papers are pinned to the 
 walls. At the R. is a table covered with a black 
 cloth ; on it candles are burning, in black bottles ; 
 there is a large black teapot on it, and som.e black 
 cups and saucers. Mam' Martpiy, a hag-like old 
 woman of ninety, black, withered, eerie, is crotiching 
 over the fire, from an armcJiair in the chifnney cor- 
 ner, L. Before the ctirtaitt rises, there are heard the 
 gleeful shouts of children. As the curtain rises, a 
 crowd of '^pickaninnies, " a dozen or more, of ages 
 varying from two to eleven, are rolling and running 
 abaut, eluding Starilla Eugenia, who is hopeless- 
 ly pursuing first one and then another, and calling 
 to them., coaxing. After the curtain has risen, enter 
 Aunt ChloE, in haste and indignantly. AuNT 
 ChloE is a fat, comely, good-humored darkey of fifty., 
 with a bright apron and turban, prosperotis-looking, 
 and neat. Starilla EUGENIA is an ungainly, very 
 black girl of sixteen, tall, gaunt, with hair tightly 
 braided in innumerable pig-tails ; she is dressed i-a 
 a piece of sacking, o?i zvhose back the letters " C. O. 
 . D. Handle With Care ! " are plainly visible. 
 37 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Chloe. Name o' judgment, Starilla Eugenia, why am 
 dose young 'uns racketin' like chickens wid de deleteri- 
 ous timmins, when I done said day wuz to be in baid be- 
 fo' candle-light? 
 
 St. Eu. Ask de debble. Aunt Chloe, ma'am ! Ask 
 de debble ! I done started in fo' to bed dese pickanin- 
 nies when de sun wuz two hour high, an' I done chased 
 'em f'om Dan to Beersheep, an' back again, an' I ain't 
 got no bref, an' I ain't got no — 
 
 Chloe. You ain't got no sense ! Dat's what yo' 
 ain't got ! I done wonder what I feed yo' fo' ! When I 
 done want anything else done, I'll jest send de ol' jack- 
 ass ; he'll do jes' as much, an' he'll do it a blame sight 
 quicker ! 
 
 St. Eic. (sits down suddenly on the floor, with a loud 
 and dismal wail). O, Aunt Chloe, ma'am, may de 
 Lawd look down — 
 
 Chloe. De Lawd'U have to look down moughty far, 
 ter a moughty hot place, ef he's goin' to look whar yo'U 
 land ! Quit dat fool projeckin' an ketch dese young 
 'uns ! What'U de company think, comin' to a party, 
 an' findin' a baby-show ! 
 
 St. Eu. May de Lawd look down ! (^She gets up, 
 and resumes her chasing of the children, in which Chloe 
 joins. The children escape them, laughing and shouting. 
 Chloe catches off her enormous carpet-slipper and 
 flourishes it wildly^ 
 
 Chloe. Ef I once put yo' under dis slipper, yo'll be 
 flatter'n Jim Dall's rooster after he done scrapped de 
 steam-roller ! Yo' onery little debbles ! 
 
 Mam' Mar. {she speaks in a tiny, high, thin, eerie 
 
 38 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloes Cabin 
 
 voice). O, jes' let dem pickaninnies projec' — jes' let 
 dem projec' — an' den see who comes a-visitin' wen 
 dey's in baid, in de dark ! 
 
 (^The children stop their riot, instantly, and creep over 
 to the chimney corner, staring at her in horrified fascina- 
 tion.') 
 
 St. Eu. De Lawd look down ! Who'll come, Mam' 
 Marthy ? 
 
 Mam' Mar. He'll be taller'n de chimney, one ob his 
 eyes'll be red, like dat coal, dar, and de udder be yal- 
 ler like de candle flame, an' he'll come a-creepin', an' 
 a-creepin' to de baid, an' he'll say, — "Whar's de chile 
 dat ain't asleep 'fo' candle light ? I jes' a-lookin' fo' dat 
 chile, to take him wid me to de col', col' grave, to keep 
 me warm dar, till de worms — " 
 
 {Her voice is drowned in a yell of universal horror. 
 The children, with broken exclamations of repentance, 
 scurry off. St. Eu. sits down on the floor, in hysterics^ 
 
 St. Eu. Taller'n de chimney ! O, may de Lawd 
 look down ! An one eye red as dat coal ! ! O may de — 
 
 ( There is a rap ojt the kitchen door. St. Eu. yells 
 afresh.) 
 
 Chloe. If yo' don't quit dat yell-a-hoolin', yo' bow- 
 legged calliope, an' open dat do' fo' de company, I'll 
 wear yo' to frazzles ! 
 
 (St. Eu. gets up, tremblingly, and moves toward 
 door murmuring in terror, " One eye as big as dat chimney! 
 May de " etc. She opens the door; Miss Mollie enters. 
 Miss Mollie is a pretty girl of sixteen, white, nicely 
 dressed. Chloe, at sight of her, gives a cry of joy, and 
 catches her in her arms?) 
 
 39 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Ckloe. O my lamb ! O my blessin' ! Huccome yo' 
 get back from de school, when dere ain't no vacancy- 
 till Christmas ? 
 
 Mollie. Why, you see, Aunt Chloe, the scarlet fever 
 broke out, and they sent us all home. 
 
 Chloe. Praise de Lawd fo' His mercies ! That fever 
 obtruded a-puppus, to fetch yo' home in time fo' my 
 party. 
 
 Mollie. Party .? 
 
 Chloe. Laws, yaas, honey ! We-uns givin' a big; 
 party to-night to all de new 'ficial folks, all de doctor,, 
 an' de lawyer, an' de editor, an' de stage-ladies, an' — 
 
 Mollie. New ones .i' Why, where are the old ones .'' 
 
 Chloe. De ol' one was all men, honey, an dey didn't 
 want no 'ceptions ; but de new ones was women, an'' 
 yo' know what women is, fo' parties, an' dignitaries, an" 
 flummuxes. 
 
 Mollie. But why are the new ones all women .? You 
 mean to say the Doctor — 
 
 St. Eu. Laws, yaas, Miss Mollie ; de Doctor am a 
 woman, an' de Judge am a woman, an' de Cunnel — 
 
 Chloe. Starilla Eugenia, does yo' want yo' nose broke 
 off? 
 
 (St. Eu. retires precipitately^ 
 
 Mollie. But, Aunt Chloe, where are all the men? 
 
 Chloe. Where de men ought to be, honey ; fightin" 
 down Aguinaldo's way ! Dere ain't one las' man lef 
 in Shucktown, an' de women is done lected deirselves 
 to all de ofifices. An' dey said as I was de social lead- 
 eress, an' de first hundred in de four — 
 
 St. Eu. And made de best possum stew — 
 
 40 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Chloe {catches up broom, and drives St. Eu. from the 
 room^. Yo' pigeon-toed monument. 
 
 St. Eu. ifleeing). May de Lawd look down ! {Exit.^ 
 
 Mollie. The men are all gone, Auntie .' 
 
 Chloe. All gone, honey, to help fight, an' de new 
 woman fisherals was — 
 
 Mollie. "Fisherals.?" O, yes — officials. Go on. 
 
 Chloe. De new women fisherals is goin' to have a 
 reception hya to-night. An' we wants it all in the roos- 
 tercracked style on dis yearth ; an' my niece Sara Sap- 
 phira, what's jest give up her place in Boston, Massachu- 
 setts, 'count ob havin' de nervous persecution, she's 
 goin' to operate de whole diversion ; an' my granchile, 
 Lilhe Loo, she's gwine to po' de tea ! 
 
 Mollie. How many grandchildren have you, I 
 wonder. Aunt Chloe .■' It seems to me you're always 
 introducing a new one. 
 
 Chloe. Lawd love yo,' chile, / don' know ! Nebber 
 could keep count ob my children, eben ! Lemme see 
 — I had seven by my fust, an' eleben by my second, an 
 two by my third. He v/as de one dat got blowed up on 
 de train, when we'd been married six months — an' 
 thirteen by my fourth — an' then dere was eight or nine 
 ob my own. 
 
 {The door is Jlung violently open, and MRS. DOCTOR 
 DOLPHUS enters. She wears an exaggerated make-up as a 
 woman doctor, and carries a bag.) 
 
 Mrs. D. Huccome you've had a death in this family 
 and not called in a doctor to be 'sponsible .'' 
 
 Chloe. Lawd, Mrs. Dr. Dolphus, how abrupt you is.' 
 There ain't ben no death, ma'm, not in our family ; I 
 
 41 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 wouldn't presume, ma'm, to have no deaths, ma'm, the 
 family doctor wasn't 'sponsible for ! 
 
 Mrs. D. (Jjoints to black-covered table, R.). Den how 
 does yo' explain dese colloquialisms ob de tomb ? I saw 
 dem troo de window, an' I nearly had peregrination ob- 
 de heart. 
 
 Mollie (with a cry). O my goodness. Aunt Chloe, 
 how awful ! Why didn't you tell me ? 
 (St. Eu. rushes in.') 
 
 St. Eu. O, is he come .'' His one eye as big — (^She 
 is transfixed by a glare from Chloe, and subsides.) 
 
 Chloe. Name ob de Lawd, is yo' all conjured .-' Dat 
 ain't no post mortem ornament, dat ain't ; dat's de ta- 
 ble fo' our black tea ! 
 
 (Enter Sara Sapphira and Lilly Loo. The former 
 is a handsome negro wench showily dressed, in caricature 
 of fashionable styles. The latter is a delicate and pretty 
 " yellow girl," rather pale and listless, very prettily and 
 simply dressed in a neat print frock .) 
 
 Sara. Name o' judgment, Ma'm Chloe, who eber 
 said "black tea".? 
 
 Chloe. Yo' said black tea, yo' wench, an' dat's why 
 de black tea prevaricates dar ! 
 
 Sara. I said colored tea, Ma'm Chloe ! Yo' hears 
 wid yo' mouf, seems to me ! 
 
 Chloe. Well, colored meant black when I was born 
 a nigger ! 
 
 Mollie. I reckon she meant that folks give teas. 
 Auntie, where everything is one pretty color — the flow- 
 ers, and the cloth, and the dishes — 
 
 Mrs. D. ' ' Colored tea ! " Looks mo' like a black buryin' I 
 
 42 
 
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In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Mollie. I'll bring down some pretty blue dishes, 
 Aunt Chloe, an(5 you shall have a blue tea ! 
 
 Chloe. Fo' de Lawd, chile, I don' drink no blue tea ; 
 it's bad as a conjure ! 
 
 St. Eu. An' mus' de possum turn blue. Miss Mollie ? 
 
 Mollie. And we'll all come down, Auntie — Edith, 
 and Marcia, and the rest; you know, at colored teas, 
 they always have some one to sing for them ; and we'll 
 be your minstrels to-night ! 
 
 Chloe. Yo, alluz was a serabin, chile ! 
 {Exit Mollie.) 
 
 Sara (Jo St. Eu.). Come here, yo' lazy nigger, an' 
 lielp me disembarrass dis monument ! 
 
 (She begins to pull the tea table to pieces.') 
 
 St. Eu. {approaches, gingerly). It looks pow'ful con- 
 juresome ! Are yo' sho' he ain't under dere } 
 
 Sara. He .? Who .? 
 
 vS"^. Eu. He's taller'n a pine-tree, an' he's got three 
 red eyes, an' — 
 
 Chloe. Doctor Dolphus, mam, would yo' mind look- 
 in' at my Lilly Loo .'' She's ben a-droopin', ma'm, eber 
 since winter. She — 
 
 Dr. D. What am de special mizry, Lilly Loo .■" 
 
 Lil. Dere, ain't no mizry, thank yo'. Doctor, ma'm. 
 I'm jest tired o' things. 
 
 Dr. D. Dat sounds liversome to me, or maybe it am 
 <le muscles ob de 'pendicitis. 
 
 (Comic business, to be improvised by actress, of making 
 examination by stethoscope, Jiand-mirror, etc.) 
 
 St. Eu. O, Ma'm Doctor, please ! Ef yo' would 
 look down me with dat mirror, please, ma'm, an' lo- 
 
 43 
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In Aunt Chloe s Cabh 
 
 cate dat nickel I done swallowed when I was picka- 
 ninny ! 
 
 Chloe. Quit yo' foolin', an' set up, proper ! De 
 party am a comin ! 
 
 {Enter the Judge, the Editor, the Twinson Twexs, and 
 any other characters that may be improvised. There is 
 the business of receiving them. The Editor goes about 
 making society notes with pencil and book. There is 
 local talk, introducing local hits and up-to-date news 
 from the war. Each can write in something for herself^ 
 
 Chloe. An' whar am de ladies ob de militia, Jedge 
 Jones, ma'm ? 
 
 Judge J. Dey'll be here on a 'brevity, ma'm. Mrs. 
 Col. Crackem she was retinered, ma'm, by havin' to 
 court-martial Mrs. Lieutenant Lamkin with a hickory bud. 
 
 Editor E. What I would ask, ma'm, life bein' trun- 
 cated, an' the paper most ready fo' printin', is whar am 
 <3e entertainment, an' de possum ? 
 
 Chloe. De entertainment will done begin, ladies 
 with a solone by de two Twinson twins. 
 {Specialty.') 
 
 Judge J. An' about dat corn-cake } 
 
 Chloe (uncovers the corn-cake on the hearth, and 
 zives a cry of dismay). Children ob Israel ! Dat hoe- 
 cake am burnt black as de frogs ob Egypt! Whar's 
 dat fool nigger ? Whar's dat Starilla Eugenia? What 
 did I done tell yo' about tendin' dat cake .? 
 
 St. Eu. I done tend it ! May de Lawd look 
 down ! I done burnt it on puppus ! Yo' said yo' 
 wanted a black tea, an' I done thought de hoe-cake 
 mus' be burned a color to correspond ! 
 
 44 
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In Aunt Chloes Cabin 
 
 Chloe. Ef yo' don' turn out a yellow hoe-cake, in 
 ten minutes thar will be another court-martial, when 
 Mrs. Col. Crackem comes wid dat hickory bud ! 
 
 St. Eu. De Lawd look down ! 
 
 (^She exits hurriedly.) 
 
 Judge J. Nothin' mo' easier dan to be a jedge, ef ye 
 know how ! I done ain't hardly had a case ter try, 
 sence I rejudicated de Robinsons' hawg ! 
 
 Editor E. Ef yo' wouldn't mind subtailin' fo' de 
 Shucktown Rooster, mam, de innermos' fax o' dat case, 
 Sis' Jones ? (Produces note-book.') 
 
 Judge J. Fo' sho'. Sis Ems, fo' sho' ! Yo' see. Sis' 
 Robinson she say dat hawg was her hawg, an' Sis' Smith 
 she say she lie, dat hawg was her hawg, an' I say, bein' 
 jedge, I say, " Huccome yo' scrap 'bout dat hawg, wen dat 
 hawg am in de pen o' Jedge Jones, bein' seized fo' costs .? " 
 ( There is the bustle of an arrival, outside^ 
 
 Chloe. Decompose yo'selves, ladies! Here's de 
 quality from de house! 
 
 {Enter Misses Mollie, Catherine, Marcia, Edith, 
 
 £tc?) 
 
 Chloe. Lawd bless yo' hearts, honeys, we's analysed 
 wid de honor ob dis ascension ; dat we is ! 
 
 Marcia. It's we who are honored, Auntie, at being 
 called to entertain all the officials of Shucktown I Well, 
 what shall it be first ? A story, or a song ? 
 
 (Here can be introduced specialties, ad. lib.) 
 
 Editor E. Come, Lilly Loo, I don't like to see you 
 so pale in all this fun ? 
 
 Chloe. Yaas, Doctor Dolphus, ma'm, has you sub- 
 
 scribed fo' Lilly Loo, yet ? 
 
 45 
 
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In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Dr. D. I has tole her, Aunt Chloe, mam, dat ef she 
 soak a rabbit's hind paw fo' three days in a gallon o' 
 gin, an' den take a cupful five times a day, she won't 
 have no mo' mizry dis side o' Kingdom Come. 
 
 St. Eu. Fo' Gawd, she won't have no time to have 
 nothin' ; she'd be in Kingdom Come after the second 
 cup ? 
 
 Catherine. I reckon the best prescription for Lilly 
 Loo would be to get Jake home from the war ? 
 
 Sara. I reckon dat prescription's goin' to be swal- 
 lered by 'nother young 'ooman ? 
 
 (Lilly Loo breaks into piteous crying^ 
 
 Chloe. Name ob de livin' Moses ! Am dat de mat- 
 ter wid my Lilly Loo ? Hab a witch-wench stole her 
 plight ? 
 
 Sara. Don' know 'bout no witches ; but ef one pus- 
 son's eyes shine mo' dan 'nother pusson's eyes, I don' 
 know as a feller's to blame fo' seeing it ! 
 
 Mollie. For shame, Sara Sapphira ! You know 
 Jake and Mollie were to have been married this month, 
 if he hadn't gone to the war ! 
 
 Sara. But yo' see he did go to the war Miss Mollie ; 
 an' maybe he'll do' nother marryin' when he comes back. 
 
 ( She tosses her head, and ostentatiously fondles a ring 
 with a gaudy glass stone that she wears. ) 
 
 Chloe. Who gibbed yo' dat ring .-' 
 
 {This scene is worked tip to a tragic pitch, by the tense 
 attention and the pantomimic dismay of the onlookers^ 
 
 Sara. Ask Lilly Loo to guess ! 
 
 Chloe. Take it off, yo' devil's shoat ! 
 
 Sara. I reckon not. Aunt Chloe, ma'm ! 
 
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In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Mam' Mar. O, let her keep it on, let her keep it 
 on, an' look at her finger, when de next moon fulls ! 
 
 Sara {uneasily). What yo' sayin', Mam' Marthy? 
 
 Mam' Mar. I'se jest sayin', let de wench wot steals 
 de little gal's man wear dat man's ring H'l longer. 
 Jest till de finger begin to grow big, an' big, an' big, an 
 dere's somefin' inside dat finger dat moves, an' squirms, 
 an' crawls — an' bimeby it's de full ob de moon, and de 
 debble thing in de finger breaks de skin, an' looks up 
 wid a little green eye, an' hisses, — "Dat finger ain't 
 big nuff lodgin' fo' me, no mo' ; let me find dat girl's 
 black heart ! " 
 
 (Sara, wJio has been listening in a trance of horror, 
 breaks into an insane scream.) 
 
 Sara. O, Mam' Marthy ! O, name o' Gawd ! Take 
 away de conjo' ! take away de conjo' ! 
 
 (^She tears madly at the ring.) 
 
 Mam' Mar. Huccome de ring don' come off ? Hue- 
 come dat ring don' come off? 
 
 Sara. O yo'se conjured it on ! Yo'se conjured de 
 debble thing on ! 
 
 {Throivs herself prone on the floor, beating her forehead 
 against it. ) 
 
 Mam' Mar. Am it a lie dat holds dat ring on ? 
 
 Sara. O Gawd, yes, it am a lie ! It am a lie ! 
 
 Mam' Mar. Git down dar to Lilly Loo, an' 'fess yo' 
 lie! 
 (Sara, as if hypnotized, drags herself to 'Lii.i.y's feet.) 
 
 Sara. O Lilly Loo ! 'Twas all a lie ! All a lie ! 
 Jake nebber give me no ring ! I thought mebbe yo'd 
 tink he did, an' send Jake away, an' I'd catch him ! 
 
 47 
 
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In Aunt Chloes Cabin 
 
 (The ring comes off her finger, and sh^ flings it into 
 the fire.) 
 
 Lilly. Don' cry, Sara Sapphira ! De conjo's done 
 gone ; an' Jake he shan't know nothin' — an' I'll be well 
 now — an' — don' cry, Sara Sapphira ! 
 
 Sara (weakly ; crouching). O, Mam' Marthy ! Am 
 de conjo' gone ? 
 
 Mam' Mar. De conjo' done gone sound asleep, Sara 
 Sapphira — till de lie wakes it up again ! 
 
 (Exeunt Lilly, supporting the hysterical Sara.) 
 (A sound of violent altercation is heard outside^ 
 
 Chloe. Name ob Joshua ! What am dat ? My 
 nerveses am a frazzle, fo' sho' ! 
 
 (Enter Thalia, dressed as Hamlet, ««d? MELPOMENE, 
 dressed as Ophelia.) 
 
 Tha. To be, or not to be? 
 
 Mel. Well, ef yo' has any dubiousness on dat ques- 
 tion, Sis Thalia Deborah, I'll jes settle it, right now ! 
 It's not to be, dat you does any ob yo' ol' Hamlet silly- 
 queers, to bodder dis company, what I has been asked 
 to subjucate wid a taste ob de regenrit drama ! 
 
 Tha. Regenrit fiddlestick ! Yo' do Feelers, yo' ol' 
 loony jackass in a jute wig, a-sowin' cabbages ! 
 
 (The players can contimie a scene, ad. lib., in which 
 each tries to do her scene, ending in a free fight, which is 
 interrupted by the sound of drums and trumpets outside?) 
 
 Chloe. Praise de Lawd, here's de regular army; an' 
 now we'll have peace ! 
 
 (Enter Mrs. Col. Crackem, in full uniform, fol- 
 lowed by the Shucktown Guards^ 
 
 Mrs. C. Who's outragin' de peaces .' 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
In Aunt Chloe s Cabin 
 
 Chloe. O, Mis' Colonel, ma'm, dese ladies has had a 
 triflin' disconnection. 
 
 Col. C. Carry em both out, an' cool 'em under de 
 pump ! We must an' will have peace ! 
 
 (Tha. and Mel. are dragged off.') 
 
 Judge. Mrs. Colonel, mam, what was dem respirin' 
 strains we heard, as yo' was a-marchin' on ? 
 
 Col. C. Dem strains, mam, was de natural hymn ob 
 de Shucktown Guards ; an' every Shucktonian wuf de 
 name, mam, mus' learn to join in de chorus I 
 
 Editor E. Sing on, mam, an' we'll coruscate ! 
 
 Chloe. Yaas ; an' when it's did, we'll done lead de 
 attack on dat possum ! 
 
 (Col. C. and the giiards sing the following song, to a 
 lively "coon' march, making appropriate movements with 
 the brooms and hoes with which they are armed?) 
 
 SONG. 
 
 When de men am off, a-servin' ob a gun, 
 An' a-marchin' an' a-sailin', day an' night, 
 
 Den am time £o' de ladies ob color done begun 
 Jes' to terin fo' a han' in de fight ! 
 
 {Chorus?) 
 Den shoulder yo' hoe, an' yo' ol corn broom. 
 
 When yo' hear de cunnel holler ; 
 Bang I bang ! say de drum, now niggers, make room 
 
 Fo' de march ob de ladies ob color 1 
 
 We've hoed in de fields till our arms is moughty strong. 
 And we'll hab de won'dring worl' to know 
 
 Dat dare don't no nigger do de ol' flag wrong. 
 While de women kin handle a hoe ! 
 
 49 
 
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In Aunt Chloes Cabin 
 
 {Chorus^ 
 Den shoulder yo' hoe, etc. 
 
 We've swep' de flo so tidy an' so well, 
 
 Till de dust flew off'n de broom ; 
 An' we'll sweep all foes from Manila into — 
 
 (A violent bang on the bass drum.) 
 
 Wid de udder end of de broom ! 
 
 {Chorus.') 
 Den shoulder yo' hoe, etc. 
 
 (At the conclusion of the song, at the gestured invita- 
 tion of Aunt Chloe, the guests make a mad rush for 
 the possum.) 
 
 Curtain. | 
 
 50 
 
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THE STORY OF A 
 FAMOUS WEDDING 
 
 Ln Outline SKETCH for MUSIC 
 and DANCING 
 
 by Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 
 Originally produced at the Boston Theatre in connection 
 ith the Pageant Our New England , April lo, 1899) 
 
 SI 
 
 Digitized by Microsoft® 
 
THE STORY OF A 
 FAMOUS WEDDING 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 BENNING WENTWORTH 
 
 LORD HARRY HUNTERS 
 
 LORD MERRINGTON 
 
 REV. ARTHUR BROWN 
 
 JOTHAM 
 
 JACK WRIGHTMORE 
 
 MARTHA HILTON 
 
 LADY PARROTTE 
 MISTRESS STAYERS 
 SALLY 
 
 Governor of the Colony of New 
 Hampshire. Originally played by 
 Clarence Benedict 
 
 The Governor's Assistant House- 
 keeper. Originally played by Mrs. 
 Helen Adelaide Shaw 
 
 THE TIME IS 1760 
 
 THE SCENE IS THE DRAWING-ROOM OF GOVERNOR WENTWORTH, AT 
 PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE 
 
 Copyright, i(po, hy Walter H. Baker &' Co. 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 SCENE. — The drawing-room of Governor Went- 
 WORTH's mansion at Newcastle, New Hampshire. 
 The period is lj6o ; the fiimiture is antique and 
 rich ; there is a spinet, and the room is lighted by 
 candles in candelabra and sconces. There are flow- 
 ers and all possible signs of festivity. As the cur- 
 tain rises, there is a burst of laughter from the next 
 room, and clinking of glasses. JoTHAM and SALLY 
 are arranging a coffee-tray on a table. 
 Jotham. Fine doings be toward, Mistress Sally ! 
 There be no less two-and-forty coaches of the nobility 
 and gentry — ay, and 'tis arms all the world knows they 
 bears on their panels — that wait without, in our stable- 
 yard ! 
 
 Sally. An' why not ? If folk cannot honor their 
 rightful Governor, under the King, God bless him ! 
 when 'tis that Governor's birthday, what do they read 
 their prayer-books for ? 
 
 Jotham. Mebbe it's a bigger day yet than the Gov- 
 ernor's birthday, Sally, lass ! 
 
 Sally. A bigger day ? What could make it a big- 
 ger day ? What addled egg be your wits a sittin' on 
 now, Jotham ? 
 
 Jotham. Addled egg, is it ? Then set you on your 
 
 own ideas till they hatch the devil, for all I'll tell a 
 
 saucy jade the biggest seeing New Hampshire e'er saw ! 
 
 Sally. A real seeing ? Nay, Jotham, dear Jotham, I 
 
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The Story of a Famous U^edding 
 
 ne'er meant to jape ye ! I was but gruntled, Jotham, 
 that ye danced with that pernicious Martha so many 
 times at the servants' ball, last night, an' with me 
 too scantly ! When the finest man in the house flouts 
 one, Jotham, a poor weak woman may e'en turn 
 shrew ! 
 
 Jotham {deeply flattered'). Well, lass, when many 
 seek a man, he cannot always be with the one ! An' 
 would ye really know the seeing I saw yon i' the kitch- 
 en ? What say ye to a wedding-cake ? Ay ! No less 
 than a true wedding-cake ; with silver atop, and white 
 frost-sweet, too, as thick as — as thick as — 
 {Enter Martha.) 
 
 Martha. As thick as the head of an old gossip that 
 will draw a cudgel on his crown, by keeping his master's 
 guests waiting for their coffee ! Jump at your work, 
 man ! 
 
 Jotham. Well, of all the wasp-tongued wenches ! 
 {Enter Mistress Stayers.) 
 
 Sally {to Stayers). And of all the grand-aired 
 wenches ! 'Tis as if she were housekeeper over us all, 
 an' not a serving lass one wi' us, an' no better ! 
 
 Mistress S. Ay, 'tis ever the same sauce-pate as when 
 she spilt the town pump's water from her swing pail 
 over the bare legs of her, an' — 
 
 Martha. Oh, Mistress Stavers ! That ever you 
 should use such indelicacies in a gentleman's drawing- 
 room, and that gentleman the Governor ! 
 
 Mistress S. Out upon your japing ! So you japed 
 in the days I was inn-mistress o' the Earl o' Halifax ; 
 and when I would have called from my tavern door to 
 
 54 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 teach you manners, " No matter how I look, madame ! " 
 says you, " I yet shall ride in my own carriage ! " 
 
 Martha. And when I do, dame dearest, it is you 
 shall loll on the seat to face me ! 
 
 Sally. Mayhap 'tis for her the wedding-cake's 
 baked below ! Mayhap she weds to-night wi' — who's 
 grand enough? Lord! Happen she weds wi' the 
 Governor ! ( Titters. ) 
 
 Martha. An' if I do, wench, you shall stoop to pick 
 up my dropped handkerchief, and court'sy low, with a 
 *'By your leave, my lady ! " 
 
 Jotham. Ho ! ho ! ho ! (^Raptures of laughter.') 
 
 Sally. Ay, all this shall be, an' no mistake, when 
 crows hatch swans, an' she marries the Governor ! By 
 your leave, my lady ! 
 
 ( With an ironical courtesy. JOTHAM laughs again. 
 They go out.) 
 
 Mistress S. Haste ye now an' put that pretty touch 
 of thine on the flowers and fairings, that all be as the 
 Governor likes when presently he comes in from his 
 dinner. 'Tis a touch that sets all it touches a-blossom- 
 ing, lass, runagate though ye were ever ! 
 
 Martha. In all my runnings have I e'er run past 
 the door of thy good heart, dear dame, and so home, 
 over its threshold ? Have I ? 
 
 Mistress S. {with an embrace). Ay, well have you 
 that, and long ago ; and well do you know the same. 
 Maid Mischief ! 
 
 Martha. Then lay thy kind hand on my head, — 
 thus — motherwise, — and say, " God send thee a clear 
 road, and courage to tread it, head up and eyes for- 
 ward ! " 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 Mistress S. {hand on MARTHA'S /e^aa?). What's this 
 new folly? 
 
 Martha. Nay, say it, though but in a kiss ! Quick ! 
 I hear movement ! The grand folk are here ! 
 
 Mistress S. {kissing her'). Have thine own sort of 
 blessing, madcap ! There, thou hast pushed my cap 
 all awry ! Serve them till I come ! {Bustles out. ) 
 
 Martha. " Mine own sort of blessing ! " Ah ! 
 Will mine own choice be a blessing or a ban? How 
 stale tastes a game that is won ! 
 
 {Enter Jack Wrightmore.) 
 
 Martha. Jack ! Ah ! What mad sea-sending's here. 
 Jack ? 
 
 Jack. The sea hath sent a true-lover to his own, 
 Martha ! Come away from all their fripperies and 
 wisp-lights ! I — I dare not kiss thee here, and how 
 my heart aches for it ! 
 
 Martha. Thou'lt kiss me nevermore, Jack, lad, in 
 light or dark. I had writ to tell thee — thy ship was 
 not due home this month and more. 
 
 Jack. Thou'lt kiss wi' me no more? Martha! 
 Martha ! Art mad, lass? 
 
 Martha. Nay, 'tis life that's mad, I think. I never 
 gave thee more than hope of promise. There never 
 will be more — hush ! Go thy ways, quick ! I must 
 serve them that come ! To-morrow they will serve 
 me ! Wait but an hour, and thou shalt hear my rid- 
 dle read. There ! I'm sorry for thee, Jack, good heart ! 
 I'm sorry ! But lad's love's quick outburnt ! There 
 are eyes as bright in other harbors ! Go ! 
 
 Jack. It's but an ill dream, lass ! Sure it's but an 
 ill dream ! 
 
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The Story of a Famous W^edding 
 
 (^He gropes his way blindly out, as SiR Harry 
 Hunters and Lord Merrington come in. The 
 other guests follow, by groups and pairs ; they stroll 
 about the rooms, examining the flowers and decorations. 
 The gentlemen serve the ladies to coffee.) 
 
 Hunters {watching Jack's departure through his 
 lorgnette) . 'Fore Gad, what strange sea-beast is that, 
 I wonder? 
 
 Martha. One of the sort, my lord, that risks his 
 life on the sea, that fine gentlemen may dawdle on shore 
 in idle safety ! 
 
 Lord M. {laughing). Well shot, pretty one ! 'Fore 
 heaven's that was a neat hit, Harry ! 
 
 Hunters. She's damnably pert ! 
 
 Lord M. She's damnably pretty ! 
 
 Hunters. There's something in the air of this raw 
 new country that kills out respect for one's betters ! I'll 
 have this wench sent about her business, or I've lost 
 my hold on my uncle the Governor ! 
 ( They go up stage.) 
 
 Lady Parrotte {coming down stage, with the REV. 
 Arthur Brown) . A charming party — yes — yes 
 — a charming party, on my word ! But how sad that a 
 mansion like this should lack a mistress ! 
 
 Brown. Sad indeed ! If the Governor would but 
 take a v/ife ! 
 
 Lady P. Some lady of years, experience, and dis- 
 cretion ! 
 
 Brown. Nay! Let age warm itself at the fire of 
 youth, say I ! What joy is in an old woman if a man 
 himself be in years ? 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 Lady P. How dare you, sir ! What sentiments 
 from a churchman ! 
 
 (They go up stage, he apologizing and she ruffling 
 herself in anger. ^ 
 
 {Enter Gov. Wentworth.) 
 
 Lady P. Ah, Governor ! Grant that I lend you 
 my arm to your chair ! 
 
 (As she starts to officiously lend him aid, she steps 
 on his swathed and gouty foot. He gives a bovine 
 belloiv of pain and rage. General consternation i) 
 
 Gov. W. Will somebody lift that two hundred^ 
 pounds of damned old woman off my toe? 
 
 (Martha comes forward ; Lady P. is led up stage 
 in tears. ^ 
 
 Martha. Gently, sir, — now a little to the right — 
 that is well? 
 
 {She deftly seats the GOVERNOR in his great 
 chair. ^ 
 
 Gov. W. You are a good lass, Martha, — a good 
 lass ! You've most of the sound sense in the colony ! 
 {She arranges his footstool.') 
 
 Lady P. Such an example for the Governor of a 
 colony to set! A widower — and the wench isn't a 
 day over two-and-twenty ! No self-respecting widower 
 ever employed a maid-servant unless she squinted ! 
 A double squint — nothing else need call itself truly 
 moral ! 
 
 Gov. W. Where's my nephew ? Harry, lad ! 
 
 Hunters. I'm here, uncle. What is it your pleasure 
 to want? 
 
 Gov. W. Give us that song, lad, that I praised the 
 other day at the hunt breakfast ! Nay, not the one 
 
 58 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 about the mare — 'tis a devilish fine song, too, that song, 
 but not with ladies ! The one with the toast in it ! 
 
 Hunters. Really, uncle, I am not sure that my 
 voice — 
 
 Gov. W. To the devil with your voice, sir ! Who 
 said anything of your voice ? I asked for the song ! 
 
 Hunters. At your pleasure, uncle. 
 
 (Hunters sings ''Here's to the Maiden of Bashful 
 Sixteen" with the guests joining in the chorus.') 
 
 Gov. W. Guests and friends, you have toasted the 
 lass of sixteen ! Now I ask you to toast, and a cheer 
 with it, the lass of two-and-twenty, whom to-night sees 
 sealed my wife. 
 
 (Jmmense sensation ; exclamations of guests, rising 
 through the general confused murmur, " His wife ! " 
 " The Governor marries/" etc., ad lib.') 
 
 Lady P. He takes a wife ! Ah, my beating heart ! 
 
 Gov. W. Ay, friends. The feast is a feast still; 
 but now it feasts a wedding ! To-night is my birth- 
 night ; it is also my wedding-night ; and you {turning 
 to the Rev. Arthur Brov\^n, who is standing near 
 him) shall marry me ! 
 
 Lady P. {who is standing near the Rev. A.). I ? 
 {In a hysterical scream of joy. She is hustled into the 
 background.') 
 
 Rev. A. This — this unexpected — this — 
 
 Gov. W. Great powers, man ! It is I who am to 
 be married, and not you ! 
 
 Rev. A. But, your Excellency, — the bride — 
 
 Gov. IV. {taking Martha's hand). Is here. The 
 best lass in the colony. And from to-night to be its 
 greatest lady I 
 
 59 
 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 {A second and yet more pyofomid sensation. The 
 amazed guests etideavor to conceal their feelings of dis- 
 may.) 
 
 Rev. A. {stammering). But — but — but — 
 
 Gov. W. But ! ! But ! ! Is the man a goat or a. 
 parson? Am I Governor or am I not? If I am Gov- 
 ernor, by the Lord ! you had best marry me before 
 I — 
 
 Rev. A. At once, your Excellency. If you will 
 take your place. 
 
 {The Governor and Martha take their places be- 
 fore the Parson. The face of Jack is seen peering in 
 over the heads of the servants, who crowd at the doorSy 
 back. He dashes his hand across his eyes, with a de- 
 spairing gesture, and disappears. ) 
 
 Lady P (while the marriage is going on in dumb 
 show.) Did I not say it? I know what comes of a 
 maid-servant without a squint ! 
 
 Lord M. {to Hunters) . If you have not lost all hold 
 with your uncle, Harry, lad, have him send the wench. 
 away ! {Laughs. ) 
 
 Hunters. And to see my heritage being vowed 
 away ! And I fathoms deep with the Jews ! Damna- 
 tion ! 
 
 Rev. A. Man and wife. And whom God hatb 
 joined together let not man put asunder. 
 
 {He congratulates the GOVERNOR a7id MARTHA. 
 The guests approach with congratulations. At the con- 
 clusion of the ceremony MARTHA takes off her servants 
 cap, drops it on the floor, and lightly sets her foot on it. 
 She takes a rose from her breast av.d fastens it in her 
 hair. All the men in congratulating her kiss her hand, 
 
 60 
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The Story of a Famous Wedding 
 
 except Sir Harry, who merely bows over it. Gov. 
 Wentworth stamps, imperiously, ordering him to kiss 
 her hand. He does so.) 
 
 Martha {to herself). He has stood stanch to his 
 word. A brave heart. That's something. 
 
 Lady P. {congratulating). And I trust your lady- 
 ship may long be spared to squint — I beg — I beg — 
 {She is hustled away.) 
 
 Gov. W. I may not tread a measure with my Lady 
 Wentworth, but may I ask you to be my deputy, my 
 lord? (r<7 Merrington.) 
 
 Lord M. The first dance with Lady Wentworth? 
 This is honor indeed ! 
 
 {He leads Martha out for the dance. As she passes 
 near the doors, back, she kisses her hand gay ly to MIS- 
 TRESS Stayers. As she takes her place at the head of 
 the dance, she drops her handkerchief. She motions 
 Sally to pick up her handkerchief. The girl, in a 
 dazed sort of way, obeys. She does not courtesy as she 
 does so. The GOVERNOR, noticing, roars out.) 
 
 Gov. IV. Wench, be these your manners to my 
 Lady Wentworth? 
 
 (Sally goes up, courtesies, and murmurs, " By your 
 leave, my lady ! ") 
 
 Jotham {in doorway). If the wench were not Lady 
 Wentworth I'd take oath she was the devil ! 
 
 {The music strikes up. As Martha begins the first 
 figure of this dance. Mistress Stayers in the doorway 
 murmurs between a laugh and a sob, "Ah, Pat ! sweet 
 madcap, thou hast kept thy word ! " The dance goes on. 
 At its conclusion the curtain falls.) 
 Curtain. 
 6i 
 
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