UNCLE JED'S COUNTRY LETTERS HILDA. BRENTON ® Pi <6\'f- r\ CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY GIFT OF The Erway Estate Cornell University Library PS1122.B18U7 Uncle Jed's country letters, 3 1924 010 604 738 The original of tliis bool< is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924010604738 t. ( "UNCLE JED, I AM YOURS — TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME?" iVage 18.) UNCLE JED'S COUNTRY LETTERS BY HILDA BRENTON ILLUSTRATED HENRY A. DICKERMAN & SON Publishers BOSTON AND NEW YORK i!u> ff^a COPITRIGHT, 1902, BT HENRY A. DICKEKMAJSr & SON Iplfmpton ©rcB0 PjarNTEKS AND BINDERS KOEVOOD, MASS. CONTENTS New Year's Day at Pine Hollow, 19— . The Spellin' Match at the Ridge . . . Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach .... Jed and Betsey at the White Mountains A Case of Jim-Jams Uncle Jed's Dream of the White House Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers . 5 IS 27 37 47 57 65 New Year's Day at Pine Hollow, 19- Uncle Jed's Country Letters New Year's Day at Pine Hollow, 19 — . Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard: ■ > y • When I woke up this mornin', an' found ther sun shinin' in my bed-room winder, ther thought came to my mind, that it wuz ther fust day of a new year, an' that, besides all ther good resolu- tions we make once in twelve short months, I would do somethin' to forever immoralize my name, an' send it down to future prosperity. Ther more I tho't on it, ther better I liked ther idea, an' Betsey hed to call me twice, to git up an' come to breakfast before I felt like tacklin' buck- wheat cakes and maple-syrup. She hes ben tryin' fer ther past thirty years to hev me make ther fire mornin' s. But about ten years ago, she gave up arguin' ther question, an' you can bet, I ain't likely to renew that subject. 7 8 Uncle Jed's Country Letters After breakfast, I went out an' chopped some wood as ther shed hed a hollow look, an' Fido — my leetle yaller dog — sat down by me. Betsey is alwus mighty fussy, when she is washin' up ther dishes, an' this mornin', I could tell by ther looks of her eye that she hed somethin' on her mind — jest as she alwus looks when she is gittin' ready to go to some of ther wimmen's clubs. Once upon a time, a man wuz purty sartin to find his wife at home evenin's, sewin' an' darnin' stock- in's, but now he hes to stay at home an' rock ther cradle, while she puts on her best bunnit an' goes to some society meetin' or other. If I am 'round here a hundred years hence, I hope things will be different. We hev two children — a darter an' a son. My gal, Elvira, boards with an aunt this winter in ther city, as she is larnin' that new-fangled way of writin', with hooks an' crooks, instead of letters — while Seth, my boy, is workin' in a big, dry goods store. They both cum home an' spent Christmas with us. Betsey hed me flyin' 'round, helpin' cook an' wash, fer nearly a month 'fore it wuz time fer them to cum. " I am so busy, Jed, gittin' ther presents ready that you must try an' help me," wuz all I could hear from mornin' till night. So New Year's Day at Pine Hollow 9 I got tired and sick of Christmas myself, long be- fore it wuz due, an' when I would sneak out of an evenin' to ther corner grocery, to change ther scene a few minits an' play a game of checkers, she wuz as mad as a wet hen. A woman expects to keep a man right under her nose, an' seems to forgit that we hev ther affairs of ther nation to look after. Ever sence that store hes ben opened, she has hed work planned ahead for me to do, but two weeks ago I hit upon a new plan. T'other day, I sold some wood that she knows nothin' about, so I would pretend to go over to the store evenin's to take up a contribution fer ther sufferin' poor, an' instid, bring her back fifty cents of my own money, changed into nickels an' pennies. I knew she would git it all in te end, anyway, so what wuz the odds ? It tickled her most to death to count it all over in her apron, an' ther next day, she would start out an' buy yarn an' flannel, an' then talk it all over with ther neighbors, an' tell them what a good Christian, Jed was gittin' to be — oh, a woman is never happier than when she is bein' deceived ! Well, Christmas Eve came at last. Elvira an' Seth came down on ther train that gits here time 10 Uncle Jed's Country Letters fer supper. She wuz dressed up so stylish I hardly knew her, — with one of those long rag- lans on, that fits like a butcher's frock. Seth hed raised a mustach — that hed in it about fifty hairs. I felt purty proud of 'em both at ther sta- tion, I can tell yer, but jest as Elvira wuz kiss- in' me, that confounded nephew of mine — Jerry Perkins — -hollered out, "Oh, look, boys, catch on to ther back of ther hack ! " What he meant, I hevn't found out yet, but I don't think it sounded very perUte. Betsey hed supper already fer us, an' hed set out her best presarves. She hed ben over to ther church all ther afternoon an' did not git home in time to make hot biskits, but we made out very well with what we hed. I hed ben huntin' ever- greens to decorate with along with ther boys more than a week. " Come on. Uncle Jed," they would holler when they got to my front gate, " we can't go without you ! " So I picked out ther tree, an' cut it down with my own hands. I hev belonged to ther church at ther Ridge nigh on to forty years, so if I hev spells of back- slidin', now an' then, they overlook it. Ther tree did look splendid, I can tell yer — all New Year's Day at Pine Hollow 11 lighted up with wax candles. I hed been round ther parish, borrowin' an' beggin' fer ther event, so all ther old folks an' young ones too could hev somethin'. As I wuz so busy, Jerry assisted me some in markin' ther presents. He can be a mighty good lad when he wishes, an' then, agin, he acts like one possessed. I wet my feet in ther woods a few days before, so hed a touch of rheuma- tiz that hindered my gittin' 'round very fast, so he hed ben on his good behavior, helpin' me out wonderfully with ther chores. Ther Elder made a nice speech (if I do say it) an' ther Deacon opened ther occasion with a long prayer. I tho't he never would end it, as I wuz anxious to begin handin' out ther presents. Ther fust name called was Mary Ann Brown — a maiden lady of uncertain age — an' would yer believe it ! I handed her a cradle intended fer Willie Briggs's wife. Land sakes ! she gave one scream, an' over she tumbled into John Reed's arms — an' he an ole bach ! Some of ther wimmen folks said, she done it on purpose, but I don't think so. Wa'al, as soon as order wuz restored, I com- menced callin' out once more. Ther next name wuz ther Elder's, an' gee whiz ! warn't I mad ? 12 Uncle Jed's Country Letters Instid of ther elegant bible that his Sunday-school class hed picked out fer him, he wuz presented with a lot of infant's clothin' intended to go with ther cradle. I kept callin' right on, though Betsey beckoned me to stop. Ther Deacon, fer whom we got a " Webster's Unabridged Dictionary," wuz made happy by a volume of " Grimm's Fairy Tales," an' other lit- tle books I hed bought fer ther small children. Mother Mason wuz presented with a "Jumpin' Jack," with ther foUowin' advice : — " Use this only on grave occasions." Betsey, by this time, wuz fumin' with rage — but I kept right on callin'. Ther young doctor, instid of receivin' ther slip- pers an' dressin' gown ther young ladies of ther village hed given him, got a sled an' a tin horn. The next name wuz mine, an' as ther bundle looked substantial, I thought, now things air comin' all right, but, instid of ther mittens that I'd seen Betsey workin' on all winter, an' ther slippers she hed hid from me in ther dark closet, wuz a big, nigger rag-doll. This wuz too much fer me to endure. I looked over ther room, determined to find Jerry Perkins, an' spied Betsey over-haulin' New Year's Day at Pine Hollow 13 her present that wuz only a bag of carpet-rags that I hed collected at odd times fer Sally Davis, who makes rag-mats at ther corner. Jest then I caught a glimpse of Jerry, who saw me comin', an' started ! One of ther vestry winders wuz open, an' out he jumped. I forgot all about my rheumatiz, and foUered after him. It didn't take me long to pacify him with my cane, I can tell yer — an' then I went back an' explained matters, an' distributed ther presents as they should go. Thar wuz a few who growled — those who only come to church at Christmas-time — but my goodness ! one can't please ev'rybody. Ther congregation sang, " Old Hundred," an' after ther young folks hed played a few games — such as Post-office, Copenhagen, etc., — we all went to our respective homes. Wa'al, Betsey went out this afternoon makin' New Year's calls, jest as I thought she would, an' soon after, Pete Smith, my friend who keeps ther corner grocery, an' a couple of other fellers from town, came over to see me, an' find out how my rheu- matiz wuz gittin' on. Pete brought some lemons, while I hunted 'round in Betsey's clothes-press an' found ther bottle of old rye that we keep in ther house fer sickness, then got 14 Uncle Jed's Country Letters some hot water from ther tea-kettle, an' a leetle sugar from the pantry, an' we made some of ther best lemonade, I ever drank. We told stories, an' played checkers an' dominoes ther rest of ther after- noon. But ther lemonade must hev been pretty strong, as jest before time fer Betsey to git here, they started off, arm in arm, singin' : " We won't git home till mornin' — TUl daylight doth appear." And I hev jest a few minits to finish this letterin, an' hustle into bed before my old woman comes in. So wishin' ye a happy century, with, " Here's lookin' at yer," I remain, as ever, your friend, Jed Perkins. The Spellin' Match at the Ridge 15 The Spellin' Match at the Ridge. Pine Hollow, N. H., . , Feb. 2, 19 — Fnend Richard: We hev ben havin' great times up here sence I last wrote ye, as all ther naybors hev taken to studyin' spellin' -books an' dictionaries. Ther fact of ther matter is, by way of raisin' a leetle excite- ment, all ther villages 'round — hev ben gittin' up spellin' matches. A few nights ago they hed one over to ther Ridge — in ther same ole red school-house whar you an' I sat, side by side, years ago. You'd hardly know it now, as it is about three times as large — hevin' an addition built on each side. I never pass by it, Dick, but what I think of ther good ole days that air passed. Wa'al — yer see, I thot I'd better git ready an' attend that spellin' match as I heard ther words ware to be given out by Elder Jones, from Cook's Speller, to be followed by any selected from ther daily paper — so it looked mighty easy. Ev'ry evenin', I would spend about an hour in study from 17 18 Uncle Jed's Country Letters ther ole book, an' then spell ther hardest of them to Betsey, who made all manner of fun — some- times callin' me an ole fool — then askin' if I hed gone crazy ? Wa'al, I got through ther " speller " purty well — some words she couldn't pernounce, so those we skipped. Ther evenin' of ther contest arrived. It wuz excellent sleighin' — with a fine moon overhead. I hitched up my little mare, Fire-fly, an' after tuckin' ther buffalo-robe 'round Betsey — away we went like ther wind. I wish yer could hev a ride after Fire-fly, Dick ; thar is nothin' faster in these parts, I can tell yer ! She is chestnut in color, clean of limb, with a light, flowin' mane an' tail — she hes deep, velvety eyes of brown, an' a white star in her for'rid. She seems to understand all I say, an' alwus whinnies at ther sound of my footsteps. Her ways air like a woman's — affectionate an' winnin' — an' she will put her head on my shoulder, an' rub her face against mine as if wantin' to say : " Uncle Jed, I am yours — take good care of me ! " No man in ther county, Richard, hes money enuff to buy that mare. Betsey used to be a leetle feared of her at fust, but lately she's got better used to fast ridin' — The Spellin' Match at the Ridge 19 though she grabs hole of my arm rather tight. We passed ev'ry thing on ther road goin' to ther Ridge — jest as we alwus do. " Now, Jed, don't make a fool of yourself to-night, tryin' to spell words you know nothin' about," sed Betsey, after I hed helped her out, an' wuz puttin' a blanket over Fire-fly — " They say ther Deacon's son from college is goin' to be here an' sev'ral of ther High School gals ! " "Jest wait an' see how I come out," I answered impatiently. " You wimmen make me tired — al- wus borrowin' trouble. These spellin' matches air jest like fevers, an' spread like ther measles, from town to town. Now that I've caught ther epi- demic, I must git through it ther best I can." When we entered ther schoolhouse, it wuz crowded. All ther seats ware filled, an' chairs hed ben placed in ther iles. I found a seat fer Betsey, two rows from ther front, then pushed my way to ther platform, whar settees hed ben arranged fer ther chief actors of ther evenin'. Betsey hed cleaned an' pressed my clothes, so I looked as fine as any of them. A smothered laff went round as I took my seat with ther others, but I didn't mind that, as years ago thar warn't many that could git ahead of me on spellin', an' I never used 20 Uncle Jed's Country Letters to lose my place in ther class — unless it wuz to stand side of some purty gal. Thar wuz fifty of us in ther fight that night, an' I stood at ther foot of ther class. It did please me, you can bet, to see 'em set down ther fust time round. I wuz well booked in the " ologies " an' "ie's," an' "ei's" — but ther others looked daggers at me as I held my own. Ther next time round, they settled faster than nine-pins, so when ther Elder laid down ther " speller " and took up ther Ridgeville News, thar wuz only three of us left. Ther Deacon's son hed ben floored by ther word "separate," some few minits before. "Give it to 'em, Jed; I'll bet on you!" came from John Jones, who set over in ther corner — while Betsey looked at me with shinin' eyes an' cheeks like roses, callin' to my mind our courtin' days, when we used to stand makin' love over her father's garden gate. The Elder paused fer a moment to wipe off his glasses, as he hed ben laffin' hard at some of ther queer mistakes of ther brightest spellers, then, after carefully scannin' the evenin' paper, per- nounced the word "jib." " G-i-b, — jib," quickly responded Sue Adams, The Spellin' Match at the Ridge 21 ther darter of our postmaster, an' jest home from High School. " Set down ! " yelled out sev'ral voices (fer by this time ther crowd wuz purty well warmed up) while she, blushin' like a red rose, sank into her seat. "Next ! " said ther Elder. " But take time, — Brother Bosworth, — take time ! " he added slowly. " Thar is nothin' like a leetle tho't — in a case of this kind." "That is easy," replied Brother Bosworth with a smile, an' carefully spelled, "g-e-i-b, — jib." You can imagine ther gen'ral uproar that fol- lowed, as he wuz told to retire ; while I, shakin' with lafter, rose to my feet, an' with a tho't of our graceful "Colxmibia," spelled "jib" — correctly. " Three cheers fer Uncle Jed — he's all-right ! " came from ther crowd. An' after bowin' thanks, both right an' left, I held out my hand fer ther silver ice-pitcher that wuz presented me. By gosh ! It tickled me most to death, I can tell yer ! I knew thar would be some fun on ther way home, so after receivin' congratulations from ther church folks, I hurried Betsey out to ther sleigh. My ! What a night it wuz ! As bright as day, 22 Uncle Jed's Country Letters an' Fire-fly wuz steppin' up an' down, impatient to be off. Ther fellers from Pine Hollow hed their best gals with 'em, an' ware hangin' 'round fer us to git started. I held ther mare in, at fust, an' let one or two brush past me — to keep them good-natered. " Come on, Uncle Jed ! " called out Sam Shaw. " It is jest ther night fer a race, an' Ten Dollars to one, that I will reach Pine Hollow fust ! " He seemed too confident to suit me exactly (as we hed raced ho'sses before, an' he alwus got ther worst of it) so I wondered what he hed in fer me. Jest then ther collegian an' his chum drove up alongside, an' began to praise up Fire-fly, an' ask questions about her. "When we git to ther three-mile corner, I'll show ye what she can do," sed I ; "an' if she don't reach ther Town Pump, on ther square, at Pine Hollow the fust to-night, I will buy each an' ev'ry one in ther race a new hat ! " My words ware soon noised 'round 'mong ther others, an' a few minits more found a crowd await- in' us at ther corner. Six good ho'sses entered ther race, an' after arguin' a few p'ints about ho'ss- racin', we got into position. Ther word wuz given, an' away we flew ! The Spellin' Match at the Ridge 23 Fire-fly acted like one possessed, an' pulled my arms purty hard, I can tell yer ! She wuz leadin' far ahead of ther others, so I talked to her, an' gave Sam Shaw's colt a chance to trot neck-an'- neck a short distance. But Firefly wuz too impa- tient to hev it long that way, an' turned to pass him, while Sam — the durned fool — (i^ I must call him so) crowded her almost to ther stone-wall. Betsey saw ther trap, an' begun to git mad an' speak her mind purty freely, but ther bells jingled so, I knew he couldn't hear her. "Never mind, my gal!" sed I, to ther leetle mare. " We will soon be on ther turnpike road, whar thar is room fer all." Another quarter of a mile, an' we hed reached it. Ther clean, white snow seemed gleamin' with di'monds in ther moonlight. " Hi thar ! " I cried. An' Firefly jumped from her nirrow corner into ther fust, right-hand place. Ther others, that hed been crowded back by ther narrowness of ther road, secured ther best places they could — each man strivin' to push his ho'ss to ther front. All wuz silent — save ther music of ther bells an' ther strainin' breath of ther ho'sses as they seemed to fly over ther slippery snow. I did not like ther way Firefly had ben holdin' 24 Uncle Jed's Country Letters ther bit, so bed driven cautiously. I pulled her up now a leetle tighter, when suddenly, she r'ared an' plunged, breaking badly. Ther crowd hollered, an' chirrupin' to their ho'sses shot ahead of me, Sam Shaw leadin' ther gang! " Betsey,'' sed I, " thar is something wrong with this mare to-night ; she don't hold ther bit nat'ral, an' she trembles like a leaf ! If I could spare time, I would git out an' look ther harness over, but I must win this race or my reputation is lost forever, so don't git skeered or grab hold of my arm, but leave it all to Firefly an' me." " Easy, my gal, easy ! " I sed soothin'ly to my frettin' beauty ; " ther rest of ther race yer shall hev your own way. So do ther best you can fer me," an' I relaxed my hold on ther lines, givin' her a loose, but steady rein. Gee whiz ! If yer could hev seen that mare ! With a 6nort, she made a bound, an' started ! Passin' fust one, then ther other — soon overtakin' Sam Shaw with ther two that ware abreast ahead. Sam heard us comin' an' tried to crowd us back as before, but with a leap, she plunged by him, scrapin' his sleigh as she went. An' sech trottin' ! The Spellin' Match at the Ridge 25 swift an' smooth, her feet keepin' perfect time, reachin' ther Town Pump five minits ahead of all ther others ! I let her walk 'round ther corner from thar home, to cool off a leetle. An' when I took ther bridle off, what do ye s'pose I found crowded in on ther side of ther bit, so as to irritate her upper jaw, but a small bunch of burrs ! Perhaps that cunnin' rascal tho't he would make me lose ther race, but Uncle Jed wam't born yisterday ! I wuz feelin' so happy over ther silver ice- pitcher, an' ther final close of ther evenin', that Betsey yielded to my persuasions an' brot out ther " consolation bottle " makin' us some good, hot lemonade to take before goin' to bed. Your friend as of old, Jed. Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach 27 Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach. Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard : ^7 ^S> ^9 Everything is lookin' fresh and green at Pine Hollow. The spring wuz very cold and backward, but ther roads hev ben settled now about two weeks, an' by Betsey's advice, I hev taken up a new biz- ness. She thought farmin' wuz gittin' a leetle too hard fer me, so I let my land out by halves, an' hev bought out a stage-coach route. We looked over the " ads." in the daily papers about a month 'fore I saw a desirable stage-rout' fer sale with ther privilege of carryin' ther mail. Sev'ral mornin's I pondered on ther subjec' (while settin' on ther side of ther bed puttin' on my shoes) then I started out an' went to see ther proprietor who kindly consented to sell me four ho'sses that hed becum knockneed from trav'lin so many times up an' down ther hills, an' a stage-coach that looked as though it might hev ben invented by a man named Noah. My friend assured me that ther patrons of ther road wuz much attached to it 29 30 Uncle Jed's Country Letters as they hed used it fer sev'ral past generations. It looked very much to me as though it hed ben patented after a toy called " Jack-in-the-box." Hevin' becum ther happy owner of an outfit of so much importance, I lost no time in notifyn' ther public that I should drive from Pine Hollow to Ridgeville ev'ry other day, commencin' ther tenth of ther present month — ther mail to be changed at sev'ral places on ther rout'. Betsey an' I wuz both up bright an' early that fust mornin' — as ther rout' wuz a long one, ex- tendin' twenty-four miles through a country dees- trict. After a good, hot breakfast, I drove up to ther door a minit, to bid her "good-by" — give some last instructions about lookin' after ther settin' hens an' waterin' ther cattle, an' to hear her advice of how to drive ho'sses down ther long hills — when ther train whistled, an' I started off down to ther station. Thar I found sev'ral passengers, who hed made half of their journey by rail, an', as it wuz so pleas- ant, concluded to finish by stage. Ther post-mas- ter handed me ther mail-bags, an' with a flourish of ther whip, I gathered up ther lines an' on we went. Ther passengers consisted of a fleshy ole lady Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach 31 of two hundred pounds or more, her two grown- up darters — rather good-Iookin' gals — two long- legged, lank mountaineers an' an ole gentleman (fresh from ther Emerald Isle) who hed lately cum over to see his dear chil'lun. Owin' to ther peculiar arrangement of ther coach, I wuz compelled to set 'em facin' one an- other — much to their disgust. Hevin' carefully seen to ther baggage, I turned my attention to the ho'sses (as ther road was very hilly, an' after walkin' 'em up a hill I intended puttin' on extra steam in descendin' to make up fer lost time). When clim'in' ther fust hill, ther fat lady wuz thrown into ther arms of the ole gentleman who embraced her fervently, while ther young ladies were gracefully deposited in ther laps of ther mountaineers. " What do you mean by that ?" I heard one say. " I am a married man 1 " Upon reachin' ther summit I gave 'em a chance to explain matters while ther ho'sses rested fer descendin' — though I knew ther same thing would occur ag'in, only vice versa. At ther foot of ther hill I wuz called upon fer an explana- tion, an* informed 'em that it wuz all owin' to a peculiar motion of the coach an' attraction of 32 Uncle Jed's Country Letters gravitation, applied expressly for ther comfort an' happiness of ther passengers. I mounted ther box ag'in, an' hed driven but a short distance when I wuz accosted by an ole lady (who came runnin' bareheaded from an ole red farmhouse) in ther followin' words : " Sa-ay, Mis- ter, are ye goin' to Ridge-ville ? " I answered in ther affirmative. "'Cause now I hope yer don't mind callin' on my son Tom, an' tell him his ma wants that jug of 'lasses he promised to send out." After obtainin' ther necessary directions, I pro- ceeded on my way. Ther next mile an' a half bein' lonesome, I commenced to look over a few letters I extracted from ther mail-bag. I wuz quite indignant over one which proved to be a let- ter from Pine Hollow to Jennie D of Ridge- ville, in which ther writer called her his angel an' turtle-dove, an' told how hard he wuz workin' fer her. Now, yer see, I hev known Sam Shaw a long time, an' goodness knows ! he never did a day's work in his life, but sports 'round at ther expense of his ole father, so I jest put ther letter back after writin' on ther blank page all I knew about him. (I never did like his tricky actions.) If she Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach 33 hes a mind to let him deceive her after readin' that, I feel as if I'd done my duty jest as a Christian should. I wuz 'bout ready to peep into another letter, when a gruff voice near my nigh boss called out : " I say, stranger, air ye ther new driver ? " I perlitely informed ther inquirer (a six-foot specimen of ther male gender) that I hed the honor. " Wa'al, yer see, me an' my ole woman hev ben up to Ridgeville spendin' a week with my darter, Nancy, an' wife, she took a notion to hev some of that new-fangled ile, they call gasoline, to clean her silk dress with. So I bought a gallon jug, an' we came away in sech a terrible hurry that we forgot all about it. I told her that would be the way on it. Now, wouldn't ye jest as soon call an' git it .■"" I consented to call, upon lamin' that he wuz Deacon Tompkins of ther neighborin' church. After speakin' a few comfortin' words to ther passengers, I drove on again. At ther next turn of ther road we came to a blacksmith's shop. Hevin' received here a com- mission fer a half-dozen bolts an' a couple of pounds of nails, I wuz jest drivin' off, when a woman stopped me. She hed a big basket on her 34 Uncle Jed's Country Letters arm, so I wuz not surprised when she made ther following request : — " Say, yer wouldn't mind takin' a few pounds of butter an' some strawberries to town, an' disposin' of them to ther best of your ability, would yer ? " It is needless to say that I took them an' con- tinued on my way. When almost in a doze, I wuz aroused by a pitiful wail, an', looking up, discovered a helpless specimen of humanity (who had suffered ther loss of one leg an' arm) settin' by ther road- side. He begged me to take him to Ridgeville. But I knew ther high-toned feelin's of ther ladies inside, so gave him a quarter instead, an' believe it did him more good. I now began to feel thirsty an' hungry, so com- menced eatin' ther strawberries, not knowin' of any better way to dispose of them. I hed jest descended a long hill and hed halted ther bosses, when I wiiz ag'in hailed by an ole lady who wuz dismountin' from a stone wall. Her fust words wuz, "'Pears to me it's kind of hot!" an' she mopped her face with a big handkerchief. I told her I thought it wuz, as it wuz near noon, an' she looked as if she'd ben runnin' some. " Wa'al, yer see, driver,'' she continued, as soon as she could git her breath, " my ole man hes gone Uncle Jed Buys a Stage-Coach 35 out to work, so I thought I would go to town, an' stop a few days with Mary Ann." I dismounted, an' after fust collectin' her fare, opened ther door, an' assisted her in. Ther pas- sengers seemed indignant at ther new comer, especially as she insisted hevin' some large bundles an' a basket of veg'tables inside with her. But one can't please ev'rybody, so after lookin' ther harness over, I jumped up on ther coach ag'in, land- in' to my disgust and surprise, in a box of eggs that she hed placed thar fer safety before gittin' in. That tarnal old hen-hussy ! I will never forgive her ! I tried to wipe ther broken egg-shells an' slimy stuff off me as well as I could, then I thought of Betsey, and how she would scold as I hed on my best Sunday-go-to-meetin' pants. For a few min- utes I used pretty strong language, I can tell yer, but finally decided it wuz no use in cryin' over spilt milk or broken eggs, so picked up ther lines an' drove on, silently meditatin' on ther uncer- tainties of ther things of this life. Ther rest of ther way wuz through a thick woods, an' findin' ther ho'sses capable of takin' care of themselves, I filled up my pipe an' looked over ther "Ridgeville News," until ther church 36 Uncle Jed's Country Letters spire came in sight. Then takin' from ther breast pocket of my coat a small bottle that holds about a dram, an' which from my frequent attacks of heart disease, Betsey will not let me travel without, I drained it with one swallow, an' whippin' up ther ho'sses, I landed all safely at ther Town Hall as ther clock was strikin' three. If yer will come to Pine Hollow, Richard, this fall, yer can go over the same ground with me, an' I will introduce ye to a nice little widder who lives about half way. From your ole schoolmate, Jed Perkins. Jed and Betsey at the White Mountains 37 Jed and Betsey at the White Mountains. Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard : ^' ^^ Ther wether hes ben dredful hot here, so I tho't I'd take Betsey up in ther mountains fer a spell. I got a man frum ther Ridge to take my place on ther coach, an' cum down home Saturday to stay a few days, an' see if ev'rything wuz goin' on smooth. A number of our church folks air up thar, so ther ole woman hes got plenty of company. Yer know my boy an' gal hev their vacation this month, so Betsey tho't it would be ther best time fer us to git away. She hes ben ailin' ever sence dog-days begun. Seth, he bro't her down sev'ral new dress patterns, an' I hired a woman by ther day to make 'em up. After she'd got her all fixed up, I felt pretty proud of my ole woman, I can tell yer ! "Jed, I want to go in style," she sed, "as we don't take a trip very of 'en, an' we can afford it as well as ther gen'ral rim of folks." "All right, ole gal!" I answered. "That means 39 40 Uncle Jed's Country Letters ther parlor cars to start with, I s'pose," an' down I went to ther office, two weeks ahead of time, an' engaged ther seats. With a good, big roll of green-backs, an' pockets filled with coin, I felt in high spirits ther momin' we started. Betsey enjoyed ther journey up thar immensely, an' sed she never wanted to ride in common cars ag'in — a stuffed chair wuz so much more comf- table. Fer my part, I tho't a good deal of room wuz wasted that way. We hed a good time, though, an' et our lunch on a leetle table, which a cullered feller in a white coat very perlitely set out fer us. Betsey hed cooked it that mornin' — so ev'rything wuz fresh. Ther other passengers seemed to call fer anything they wanted — from turtle-soup to baked-beans. How it wuz made so quick, I never knew. " Now, Jed," sez Betsey, jest before we got to North Conway, "watch others, an' do as they do. You look as well as anybody in your new suit, an' in a few days, ye wUl ketch on to ther style an' manner of things." Wa'al, it wuz dusky when we reached thar. We ware driven up to ther hotel in a bright red coach, with four white ho'sses that they hed sent Jed and Betsey at White Mountains 41 to ther station to meet us. A dozen or so, ware stan'in round on ther piazza — watchin' our arrival. I didn't care fer that, as it seemed kinder good to hev so much notice. Ther Propri'tor helped us out, an' showed us to our room, an' a few minits after, we set down to a good hot supper. Ther dinin'-room seemed mostly filled with wiramen. It wuz a purty sight, I can tell yer, to see them in sech light, airy dresses. Ev'rything wuz on ther bill of fare, one could wish fer, 'cept apple-sass an' johnny-cakes. After we hed finished eatin', we j'ined ther crowd on ther piazza, whar sev'ral spoke to us right away, as if they hed known us fer years. Ther electric lights made ev'rything as bright as day, an' somehow — ther muskeeters didn't seem to bite as they do at Pine Hollow ! Later on in ther evenin', we all adjourned to ther dance-hall — a separate buildin', called ther Pavilion. It wuz decorated with evergreens, same as at Christmas-time at home, an' they contrasted handsom'ly with ther polished wood rafters an' shinin' waxed floor. We hed ben seated but a few minits, when Betsey called my attention to a gentleman settin' 42 Uncle Jed's Country Letters on ther opposite side of ther hall. He wuz some years younger than I, very dapper in appearance, an' wuz dressed in a fine suit of black, with a white dickey. His face, as finely cut as a cameo, wuz smooth-shaven, an' his wavy gray hair wuz tossed carelessly back from a most noble brow. He hed ther air of a preacher, an' looked out of place in sech a gay crowd, though he wuz watchin' ther scene intently. "He must be a deacon," she whispered. "I wonder if he approves of ther dancin' ? Now, Jed, he's ther man fer yer to pattern by." " All right ! " sed I (fer I knew appearances ware of'en deceivin', an' hed caught a merry twinkle in his eye sev'ral times, as ther dancers whirled past him). " To-morrow I will make his acquaintance." Ther next mornin', soon after breakfast, when all ther new-comers ware on ther back-piazza, strainin' their eyes to see ther outline of ther fa- mous " White Horse," on ther ledge — I found him givin' instructions. He approached me with a pleasant " Good-mornin'," an' graspin' my hand, introduced himself as, "Joe Mason — from Maine." "An' I am Jed Perkins," said I, "from Pine Hollow, an' this is my wife. We've come up Jed and Betsey at White Mountains 43 here fer a leetle change of air, an' to see ther sights." "That's right!" he answered. Then p'inted out ther " White Horse." Betsey could make it out, sleigh an' all, but blamed if I saw anything but some white stones, although I nodded my head. About an hour later, I wuz much surprised to see him stroll away with six of ther best lookin' wimmen' in ther hotel. He is makin' a good beginnin', I tho't. I hope I'll be as lucky before I leave here, as it would only be carryin' out Betsey's request. By that night we ware all feelin' well ac- quainted, besides, met sev'ral of our naybors from ther Ridge. As ther wuz about seven wimmen to one man in ther hotel, yer can imagine ther anglin' fer attention by ther fair sex. I let two or three days pass quietly by, then started in to follow ther lead of this wonderful man from Maine — that ther wimmen ware wild over. I will say, though, in justice to him, that he did his best to divide ther time equally among them, an' showed no favoritism. But when I made a start, an' helped him out, then Rome began to howl. One evenin' he dressed up in wimmen's clothes 44 Uncle Jed's Country Letters — causin' a great sensation in ther Pavilion. His make-up wuz so good that very few recognized him. They bein' ther ones he danced with, but not findin' out ther joke till ther time of swingin' round in ther Virginia Reel. I diskivered his dis- guise from ther fust, an' left ther dance-hall in a hurry, to j'ine him ag'in later as — a cullered lady ! An', oh ! what fun we hed — up an' down ther center ! It reminded me of ther time you an' I dressed up that same way, an' went to a maskerade at D'ri Allan's — when we stole two of ther pret- tiest gals thar an' drove them home ! Those ware ther days, Richard, an' we ware ther dancers ! Betsey wuz so fat that she couldn't stand ther long walks very of en, so I helped Mason out with his dove-parties. Two widders j'ined ther crowd ther morning we made ther ascent of Mount Kear- sarge, an' oh ! what a time we hed ! They ware both plump, an' easily made tired, so he gave special attention to one, while I took ther other. What a hard climb ! An' how of en we set down to rest ! Ther younger ones of ther party gained ther summit nearly an hour ahead of us. But what man can hurry when assistin' a charmin' widder to make sech a rough journey ? This wuz only ther beginnin' of many rides an' Jed and Betsey at White Mountains 45 walks to follow, as I hed found out by this time that thar wuz no ole folks at that hotel. All seemed tryin' to renew their youth ag'in. One day thirty of us started in mountain wagons fer a drive of twelve miles to Potter's Farm, a great picnic ground. Fer a while, it looked as though thar would be some hair-pullin' between those two widders to see who should set on ther front seat with ther driver, as Mason drove one of ther teams, an' I ther other. I tho't Betsey looked a leetle owly, so kept quiet an' let her arrange our party. But upon lookin' back, as we drove away, I saw Mason with a widder each side of him. We hed lots of fun, I can tell yer ! Thar wuz sixteen in my wagon, an' they sang all ther ole songs, an' new ones too. Then waved hands, an' hollered to most ev'ry one we met. Some took it good-natured an' returned ther salute, while a few acted mad. We stopped at an ole farm-house, jest before noon, to git some water an' rest ther ho'sses. They hed a large orchard, an must hev ben mighty fond of apple-sass, as strings of dried apple seemed to be hangin' ev'rywhar. One young lady sed she didn't see much use of drivin' farther, as by ther looks we could git a " swell dinner " thar ! 46 Uncle Jed's Country Letters Mason went home about a week ago, an' I wish yer could hev seen ther' " send-off " ther crowd gave him. They whooped it up in good style. Ther coach that took him to ther station wuz piled, top an' bottom, with gals ! An', would yer believe it ! Ev'ry woman in ther party put her arms round his neck an' kissed him ! Then threw bokays of flowers to him as he entered the car. When I asked ther landlord why Mason received so much greater attention than any one else, an' hed so many more privileges, he answered me by fust lookin' wise, then shakin' his head, an' makin' a remark about ther weather. But I hed to take a lecture from Betsey that night that lasted till nearly mornin', because she came across one of ther widders readin' my palm in a shady corner. (When I go back — shall be a leetle more careful.) Yours in confidence, Jed. A Case of Jim-jams 47 A Case of Jim-jams. Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard: — ^^P*' '5' ^^~' I got back from my vacation a week ago, an' should hev wrote yer before, hed it not been fer trouble in my head. While in ther mountains, I received an invitation from my nephew, Jim Jones, to cum to Boston an' spend a few days with him. So I left Betsey up thar to travel back alone, an' started on ahead. His folks wuz away, an' he put me up at a swell club. Yer know what that means ! An', to make a long story short, ther boys didn't do a thing to me, but whoop it up all of ther time, an' when they ware not pourin' into me high-balls an' cock- tails, they hed me out ridin' 'round ther city in them new-fangled kerridges, called automobillies, seein' ther sights, an' takin' in ther shows. Ev'ry day, my head seemed to be growin' larger, an' my nose redder. An' rememb'rin', almost at ther last 49 50 Uncle Jed's Country Letters minit, that it wuz ther time set fer Betsey to git home, I boarded ther train (as well as I could), an' started fer Pine Hollow. I hed jest taken off my coat, an' hung it on its nail in ther corner, an' settled down on ther settin'- room lounge fer a nap, when a naybor's farm- wagin drove into ther yard, an' who should walk in but Betsey. "Sick air ye !" ware her fust words in greetin' — " your face is as red as a beat — hope yer not cumin' down with a fever ! When I can git my things off, an' ther kitchen-fire built, I will make ye some herb tea. — Those mountain-hotels knock out any one's stomach — so much rich food an' pastry ! — How's Jim's folks ? Hev they got back from ther sea-shore yit ? Sakes alive ! I don't see how you two men made out — keepin' house alone ! " " Oh ! Betsey, stop talkin' ! " sed I. " My head is whirlin', an' green spots air dancin' 'fore my eyes — I feel as though I wuz dyin' !" "Dyin'l — Pshaw!" she answered. An' go in' to ther bed-room, she bro't out a blanket which she tucked 'round me, sayin' : "Yer only bilious, an' your stomach is out of order ! Yer needn't shake your head, fer I've A Case of Jim-jams 51 seen ma that way — many a time." With that she left me to steep up a lot of herbs an' make a drink — that did taste awfully. I kicked against takin' it, an' never would hev touched ther nasty stuff, hed she not forced it into me ! Oh, Richard 1 I s'pose you're used to sech times — (livin' in ther big city of Chicago), an' can sym- pathize with my fust experience — but no more of them for me ! Wa'al, a few minits later, her mother cum in with a lot of meddlesome naybors, to see what presents an' things we hed bro't back from ther mountains, each one expectin' somethin'. They commenced chatterin' like magpies — much to my discomfort — fer my head wuz splittin', an' ther hot bitter tea made me feel queer like all over. I turned my face to ther wall, to git further away from ther noise, when I felt dizzy, an' be- fore I could say " Scat ! " I hed thrown up all over Betsey's best homespun blanket — ther one she treasured as an heirloom fer ther past twenty years ! Oh, how sick I wuz ! — An' thar wuz no disguisin' ther odor of stimulants mingled with ther fumes of that herb tea. This wuz too much fer Mother Mason ; an' she begun tellin' Betsey, that 52 Uncle Jed's Country Letters Jim Jones wuz ther cause of it, an' desarved bein' tarred an' feathered fer lettin' him make a fool of me. That made me mad, fer if thar is anything I hate, it is ther interference of my mother-in-law, an', although I wuz sufferin' terrible in my head, I didn't hesitate about givin' 'em all a piece of my mind ! I used ev'ry word I could think of in Webster's dictionary to express my disgust — be- sides a few swear words thrown in — when I wuz horrified to see ther door open, an' an army of snakes marchin' towards me ! I tried to git away, but fell over a chair. They swarmed all 'round me, an' one more im- perdent than ther others begun crawlin' up my boot-leg ! I looked towards my naybors, hopin' they would lend me some assistance, but, oh ! horror of horrors ! — they hed all turned into monstrous sea-serpents ! I commenced calHn' to Betsey for help, an' she made her appearance, armed with a broomstick an' a pail of water. But instid of drivin' off those terrible reptiles, she commenced 'busin' me ther worst way — drenchin' me from head to foot with ther water, an' bangin' me over ther head with ther broom-stick — shoutin' : " I'll lam ye to A Case of Jim-jams 53 smash ther lookin'-glass, an' break up one of my best chairs — then sprawl on ther floor in this manner ! I'll give ye somethin' to holler for ! " An' with that she begun thrashin' me ag'in till I tho't either my head or ther broom-stick must give way soon. How I wished I hed never bought that broom — but allowed ther tin-pedler to hev gone quietly by. Soon ther broom-handle struck against a chair, an' broke with a loud snap ! Betsey then took me by ther collar, an' yanked me up on ther lounge, whar she stood lookin' at me fer a moment — an', as I wuz quiet — with ther words : " I'll go fetch ther doctor ! " she grabbed up a shawl, an' left ther room, turnin' ther key in ther lock — leavin' me all alone with them snakes ! I hollered an' screamed, an' tho't of ther time, years ago, when if I happened to see one in ther long grass while mowin', I would drop my scythe an' run quarter of a mile — an' from a green garter-snake, at that ! But now, they ware swarmin' all round me ! Jest as one of 'em hed twisted himself 'round my neck (an' I wuz wishin' a sartin feller, that it is not alwus safe to mention, hed ther whole of them) — ther door opened, an' a tall person entered, bringin' with him a strong 54 Uncle Jed's Country Letters smell of brimstone, that caused me to sneeze vi'lently ! I realized at once (to ther marrow of my bones) who he wuz ! An' (without even so much as a word) I fell upon my knees, beggin' him to spare me a leetle longer, as I bed Betsey to take care of, an' she would be awful lonesome without me! "Yer need give yourself no uneasiness," he answered with a sneezin' laff, " your time hes not yet come. Although you air a church member, you hev served me long an' well. In fact, so well, that I hev concluded to give you a hansom' present fer past services." At which he took from his pocket a heavy gold bracelet, set with shinin' stones (sech as ther wimmen ware on their wrists), an' thro win' it on ther lounge beside me, said, "That will give you access to any place you wish to go, an' in a second's time you may be changed into any insect or animal you may desire to become." Then he strode out of ther room, slammin' ther door behind him ! Fer a few minits, I seemed to hev lost my rea- son, till ther strong odor of burnt woolen caused me to look 'round fer my present, which wuz A Case of Jim-jams 55 settin' fire to ther lounge ! I hurried an' got some water that I poured all over it, an' when it wuz cool enuff took it in my hand. Ther moment I touched ther bracelet, it becum so small that I wuz able to slip it on my leetle finger ! Thinkin' his words but foolish jokin', I wished myself a fly takin' lunch with ther new president. Instantly ther sound of a thousand instruments rung in my ears, an' I wuz tickled most to death, after a rapid flight through ther air, to find myself seated on Roosevelt's right shoulder, eyein' longin'ly a temptin' dish of honey near his elbow ! That distinguished gentleman tried to brush me off, but I flew up in ther air, an' settled in a new position on ther top of his head, listenin' atten- tively to some of ther White House secrets he wuz talkin' over with ther Secretary of State. My journey through ther air hed made me mighty hungry an' growin' tired of waitin' fer ther meal to be finished, I flew about ther room an' over ther house, comin' back ag'in, hours after- wards, fer a leetle lunch, an' a nap in ther gold sugar-bowl in the butler's pantry. How long that nap lasted I never knew ! Fer when I woke up fer a few seconds, I wuz at home 56 Uncle Jed's Country Letters ag'in in my own bed, an' Betsey, with a bowl of beef-tea, wuz bendin' over me ! Another time I will tell yer what I saw an' heard while wanderin' over ther White House. From your old friend, Jed Perkins. Uncle Jed's Dream of the White House 57 Uncle Jed's Dream of The White House. Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard: ^^ ' ■^°' ^^ ' I promised to tell ye more about my visit to ther White House, that day I got so tired — waitin' f er ther High Ruler to finish his dinner — as not a crumb of cake nor grain of sugar would he drop fer me. I wuz purty mad, I can tell yer, when I flew out of ther dinin'-room — not carin' much which way I went. Two ladies passed by me ; an', as ther trail of their dresses swept near, from my perch on ther stairway, I lost no time in lightin' on one of ther flounces — to be able to view with greater ease ther fine decerations as I wuz carried through ther hall. I wuz astonished, Dick, at ther display of wealth within, when I tho't of ther sufferin' poor without, an' fell to wonderin' whar ther library could be, when I heard a tremendous puffin' an' blowin' back of me. Lookin' round, I expected to behold a steam-engine — but instid — saw a fat politician 69 60 Uncle Jed's Country Letters puffin' an' blowin' at a double-headed cigar. By makin' a quick move, I gained a foothold on ther back of his coat, then ascended to his shoulder without attractin' his attention. He stopped a second, as if in thought, then turned on his heel an' went up ther stairs — haltin' on ther threshold of a big, oval-shaped room. I made up my mind that this must be ther library, as it wuz filled with books an' picturs. He en- tered, an' flung himself into a chair, jarrin' me considerably. Then seemed to be thinkin' in- tently. When all of a sudden, ther door at his back swung noiselessly on its hinges, an' ther head an' shoulders of that terrible bein' (that I hed good cause to remember) stole softly into ther room. He at once commenced makin' passes to- wards ther "all-wise Counselor," who instantly fell into a deep slumber. Ther fiery demon then closed ther door, an' strode over to his side. Bendin' down, he took ther cigar from ther sleeper's mouth, an' placed it on ther table. My curiosity wuz so great, I waited to see ther result. Ther fiend then took from his vest pocket a case of surgical instruments (which he placed on ther table) an' begun to roll up his sleeves. (I shook with fear.) If I could hev got home about Uncle Jed's Dream of White House 61 that time, Dick, — I would hev given all I'm worth. He now picked out a small, sharp knife from ther case, an' begun workin' on ther sleeper's head — very soon detachin' a small piece of skull. As he removed it, a thick vapor ascended, that from its strong odor I at once judged to be tobaccy smoke. And I wuz greater astonished than ever, to see in letters of fire in ther wreaths of smoke, slowly curiin' upwards, ther words : " I am ther great Napoleon of to-day! Ther country is still mine !" A sneerin' laff behind me chilled me to ther bones ; an' as ther smoke wuz suffocatin', I flew up on one of ther globes in ther chandelier fer safety, an' to collect my scattered thoughts. After restin' thar a while, an' feelin' easier (know- in' I wuz out of sight), I started ag'in, an' wuz borne some distance before I knew whar I wuz goin'. Ther voice of " His Satanic Majesty " wuz still ringin' in my ears, when lookin' up, I beheld an immense crowd flockin' into a buildin' close at hand. My curiosity was ag'in excited — so I fol- lered after them. I was pleased to hear from two men in advance that they ware clerks filin' in to 62 Uncle Jed's Country Letters ther Treasury Department for their day's work. By usin' my wings briskly I was able to overtake an' light on ther coat-tails of one of them, an' in a few minits found myself in that renowned edi- fice. I wuz wild with joy, upon lookin' round, to see so many bank-notes handled by so many busy hands. Jest as I wuz wonderin' what they wuz goin' to do with sech a big pile of " I Promise to Pays," an' whether it would be best to gather up a few peck basketsful to take home to Betsey, I wuz startled by hearin' an immense sneeze behind me, an' lookin' 'round, saw my ole enemy (whom I thought safe in ther White House) lookin' after ther affairs of ther country, an' ticklin' ther noses of ther clerks with a straw — thus causin' ther tremendous sneeze. I wuz intendin' to retreat as swiftly as possible, when he beckoned to me with his forefinger, at ther same time placin' ther other hand against his lips — which I s'pose meant silence. Almost immediately ev'rything began to change. The greenbacks appeared like nothin' in ther world but mouldy and worm-eaten paper, while all ther officers in ther department became demons — all nearly bent double from carryin' large bags of gold Uncle Jed's Dream of White House 63 on their shoulders, labeled, " For Myself ! " while these cries came from their fleshless jaws : " I am now a rich man ! I am now a rich man ! What ther Government once had is mine ! mine ! mine ! " I tho't. Can this be true ? Is thar not gold enuff to redeem that worthless paper in those big iron vaults ? Surely that hes ben provided fer, an' we hev plenty of good old specie to pay our bills with — when, as if by magic, a bony finger was p'inted towards ther vaults, and ther iron doors slowly opened, showin' nothin' but ■ — empty cells. Shrieks of lafter shook ther very walls. The buildin' rocked to and fro as if from ther shock of an earthquake. Chained to ther spot with terror, I could not even cry out, but seemed stifled with the weight that wuz bearin' me down. With all my strength I tried to break the spell that bound me, when I 'spied a ventilator, partly open, above my head. An' yer can bet it did not take long fer me to make my escape to ther open air. Betsey's voice once more sounded close to my ear, an' I wuz ag'in aroused from this too vivid pipe-dream by bein' vi'lently shaken. This time the doctor stood by Betsey's side. I now began to see ev'rything clearly about my room, but wuz 64 Uncle Jed's Country Letters so completely tired out from my weary travels, that I could not turn over without assistance. A few days afterwards, I told Betsey whar I'd ben — an' about my visitor. She said she must hev hit me too hard with the broomstick, or Jim Jones's tea wuz too strong f er me, as ther devil hed not ben thar at all, an' it wuz a warnin' to me not to git too ambitious an' run fer an office, but stay at home quietly an' do ther chores. Gosh hang it, Dick ! What biznis hed an ole fool like me tryin' to trot in ther same class with those fellers in ther city .' I hed a good time larnin', though, about the pace that kills. Yours till death, Jed. Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers 66 *" *" _ Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers. Pine Hollow, N. H., Friend Richard : — • > y • Yer should be out in ther country with me now, to enjoy these cool, crispy mornin's — they make a feller feel young ag'in. I've hed quite a time sence I last wrote yer — an' will tell yer about it. This is ther way it wuz : Durin' harvestin', I stayed at home a few days to help git ther corn in, an' let Jerry take my place on ther coach. He can handle ho'sses almost as well as I do, an', be- sides, I knew they ware nearly played out from ther summer's work. Ther fust two days, ev'ry- thing went on smooth, but ther third day told a different story. Near by ther widder's (whar we stop to water ther ho'sses) is a steep hill, an' I hev alwus drove mighty careful goin' down it, an' charged Jerry to do ther same, fer, besides bein' steep, it's windin, hevin' sev'ral sharp turns, an' loose stones rollin' in ev'ry direction. Yer see ! ther widder hes a son about Jerry's 67 68 Uncle Jed's Country Letters age, an' they make a good livin', raisin' salary an' sparrowgrass fer market, with other fine veg'tables in winter, under glass, sech as tomartus, redishes, and cowcumbers. This fall she set out more than a thousand vi'let plants, to furnish ther city folks with posies, later on — at about Five Dollars a bunch. Jerry hed never seen that branch of farmin' carried out on sech a large scale, an' he stopped a leetle longer than he meant to — tryin' to larn new ideas. Ther passengers liked ther change of gittin' out an' walkin' 'round a bit, until finally, some one, who wuz in a greater hurry than ther rest, hollered out : " Hullo, youngster ! Ain't it time to start, or air we booked here fer ther day .■■ " So Jerry sez, he begun to think of biznis, an' after hustlin' them into ther coach, started off at a good, rattlin' gait to make up fer lost time, fergit- tin' all my cautions about drivin' slow — down that pesky hill. When he reached ther second turn, ther ho'sses ware under sech high speed that they got ther best of him, an' away they went, tarein' like mad 'round ther curves, finally bringin' up with a crash into a two-horse-wagin loaded with hay ! Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers 69 Thar must hev ben some excitement about that time, as two of ther ho'sses fell down, each team hed lost off a wheel, an' most of ther passengers ware buried in ther hay, while ther drivers ware wound up in ther reins among ther ho'sses. Jerry sez he warn't hurt any, an' commenced right away to pull out ther others. Nobody broke any bones, but I hev been chased by lawyers ever sence, with doctors' bills an' damage suits of various kinds. One old lady sed she'd hed rheumatiz fer ten years, but ther jar she received hed made it so much worse that I ought to hand over to her Two Hundred Dollars. While John Price goes round with his right arm in a sling, declarin' ther bone is dislocated — though his naybors say he chops kindlin' wood out back of ther house ev'ry mornin'. An' Mary Ann Brown (that dried up ole maid) hed ther nerve to present me with a bill of Fifty Dollars ! fer ther loss of ther long cork-screw curl that hes hung down her back nigh onto forty years ! an' that she always told wuz nat'ral. One of Squire Green's critters nearly choked to death ther other day eatin' its hay, an' his hired man pulled ther pesky thing out of its throat ! So I wuz able to return it to her. 70 Uncle Jed's Country Letters Yisterday I got ready an' went to call upon sev'ral gentlemen of law, who hed written me urgent letters, requestin' my company. Ther fust office I entered, I hed to wait about half an hour before " His Royal Highness " appeared, then he showed me into a dismal leetle office (whar ther winders ware covered with cobwebs), an' asked me my name, an' what biznis I hed with him ? I pulled his letter out of my pocket, an' jogged his mem'ry a leetle, then told him ev'rything I possessed wuz in Betsey's name, but that I wuz willin' to pay doctors' fees fer any real injuries that occurred on ther trip to ther passengers ; but, as they landed in a load of hay, I didn't believe they could show any bruises. At this he got red in ther face, an' told me if I thought I could capsize a load of passengers fer fun, I'd find out to my cost sech wuz not ther case. I did not stop any longer thar, but proceeded to call on ther second one of my correspondents. He wuz a leetle diff'r'n't than ther fust — bein' very fat an' lazy, an' chewed tobacco constantly, spittin' in a big brown cuspidor very near me. He made a big bluff when he fust saw me, then Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers 71 cooled down as soon as he found out how matters stood. Lawyer No. 3 wuz a tall, spare feller, very dyspeptic lookin' — with lots of temper. He called me all kinds of names before we got through talkin', an' as he opened ther door to show me out, he ended by sayin' : " You'll take a diff'r'n't view of this matter, Mr. Hayseed, when we meet a few weeks from now in ther courtroom ! " — So yer can see, Richard, life is not a bed of roses even back here at Pine Hollow. It would do yer hart good, though, to look through my barn an' cellar, an' see all ther stuff I hev laid in f er winter, — a big heap of golden pumkins fer Betsey to make pies of, bushels of turnips, cabbages, an' potaters, besides pop-corn an' walnuts to while away ther long winter eve- nin's. It warn't much of an apple year, but I helped Si Atkins gather his an' make cider, so we divided. I've got a few barrels of Baldwins an' russets (that make fair eatin') an' sev'ral casks of cider — Betsey hes doctored one up, so t'will be sweet all winter. Now she is presarvin' ev'ry day, so yer can smell spices an' grape-juice within forty rods of ther house. Mother Mason comes over an' carries 72 Uncle Jed's Country Letters off three jars, at least, of ev'rything she does up. Ever sence I hed that sick spell, my "consolation bottle" hes ben empty, though I persuaded her to make me some elder-berry wine fer my heart- attacks in cold weather. But if yer ever intend marryin' ag'in, Dick, don't git a mother-in-law, fer at all stages of ther game they air tryin' to one's patience. We air lookin' fer ye at Thanksgivin', so give due notice of your arrival, an' I will meet ye in Boston, whar we will spend ther night with Jim Jones. Betsey declar's that I never shall go thar a' gin, but if I tell her I expect to meet you, it will be diff'r'n't. She hes made ther acquaintance of ther widder sence ther coach accident, an' we will hev her at ther house to tea while you air here, an' if I'm not mistaken, Dick, you'll want to take her back West with ye, — vi'lets an' all. She is a sweet, clean, little woman, jest the build yer fancied years ago. I don't expect to drive stage-coach anymore. Betsey sez we might as well enjoy our arnin's, fer I am gittin' too old to knock about, an' we hev enuff to take care of us without work. This mornin' I advertised ther stage-coach fer sale, so you can imagine how busy I will be with strangers ther next few weeks to come. Uncle Jed's Experience with Lawyers "73 This is my sixtieth birthday, an' I am gittin' ready to celebrate it to-night by a huskin in ther barn. I am as hale an' hearty as ever, an' can step out a clog, or swing ther gals in ther Virginia reel, as lively as forty years ago. I must close novir, as I want to pick out a few red ears an' hide 'em away — to git my share of ther fun with later on. Hopin' this will find ye in ther best of health, I remain, Yours for all the time, Uncle Jed.