MARION HARLAND'5 COMPLETE ETIQUETTE COraELL^f^WEIilTT -CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 3 1924 090 16 46 Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924090161146 MARION HARLAND'S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE MARION HARLAND'S Complete Etiquette A Young People's Guide to Every Social Occasion By MARION HARLAND AND VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER REVISED AND ENLARGED EHJ INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright 1905, 1907, 1914 The BoBBs-MfiRULL Company mM or wiMjNvoirrH a oa, aOOKBMDIRS AHD HtPfTim ■BOOKLVH, ■. V. CONTENTS CHAPm 'AGS I Sending and Receivino iNvrrxTiONS ... 1 II Cards and Calls 14 III Letter-Writing 27 rv Introductions , 38- V After Six O'clock 4J VI Functions , , 52 vn The Home Wedding 69 VIII The CntmcH Wedding 78 DC The Dinner Partt 88 X The Education of a Young Giri. . . .111 XI The Debutante ,120 XII Men and Women 12S Xni Coeducation Socially Considered . . . 136 XIV The Chaperon 145 XV The Matter of Dress ...... 152 XVI Making and Receiving Gifts . . . .167 XVII Bachelor Hospitautt 175 XVIII The Visitor 182 XIX The Visited 195 XX HospiTAUTy as a Dutt 203: XXI The House OF Mourning 208 XXU At Table 21& XXIU In the Home 227 XXIV In Public 238 XXV Hotel and Boardinc-Hovse Life .... 249 XXVI In the Restaurant ...... 259 XXVn When Traveling ....... 268 XXVIU In Sport 280 COtlTSHTS— Continued CHATTER PACI XXIX Mrs. Nbwlyricr and Hbr Social Vvnu . . 291 XXX Deucate Points for Our Girl . . , . 306 XXXI Our Own and Other People's Children , . 31S XXXII Our Neighbors 323 XXXIII Church and Parish 329 XXXIV The Woman's Club J37 XXXV Charities, Public and Private .... 347 XXXVI Courtesy from the Young to the Old . . 3SS XXXVII Mistress and Maid ...... 363 XXXVIII The Woman Without A Maid . . , .371 XXXIX Woman in Business Relations .... 380 XL A Financial Study for Our Young Couple . 387 XLI More Talk About Allowances . . .39$ XLII A Few op the Little Things that Are Big Things 399 XLIII On Manner . . . . . . .418 XLIV Self-Help and Observation .... 426 Index 433 MARION HARLAND'S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE COMPLETE ETIQUETTE CHAPTER I SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS THE sending and receiving of invitations un- derlies social obligations. It therefore be- hooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality; should be despatched and received. In the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation, rather than on that of ignoring it altogether. We will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but which call for regrets if one can not accept. Such are cards to "At Home" days, to teas and to large receptions. Unless any one of these bears on its face the letters "R. s. v. p." [(Repondes, s'il vous plcAt — Answer if you please)] no acceptance is required. If one can not attend) the function, one should send one's card so that one's friend will receive it on the day of her affair. I 2 CARDS FOR AN AT HOME The cards for an "At Home" are issued about ten days before the function. They bear the host- ess' name alone, unless her husband is to receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith." The aver- age American man does not, however, figure at his wife's "At Homes" when these are held in the aft- ernoon. The exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be depended on for such an occasion. A plain, heavy cream card, simply engraved, is now used for most formal invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten years ago. The card bears in the lower right-hand corner thei,address of the entertainer; in the lower left- hand corner the date and the hours of the affair, — ^as "Wednesday, October the nineteenth," and under this "From four until seven o'clock." If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger, the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess, if the affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal re- ception it is well to have engraved upon the ord of the hostess, directly under her own name, "To: meet Miss Smith." If a woman wishes to be at home for a guest THE EVENING RECEPTION ^ unexpectedly arrived, and there is not time for the engraving of cards, or if she prefers to be infor- mal, she may simply use her visiting-card, writing the name of her guest beneath her own, and add- ing the date on which she will receive, and the hours, in the lower left-hand corner. It is under- stood, of course, that abbreviations — ^with the ex- ception of "P. p. c." and "R. s. v. p." — ^are never to be used on invitations and social notes. The recipient, if sending cards instead of attend- ing, encloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet. The cards for an evening reception may be is- sued in the same style. If not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third per- son, as: "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's company On Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth. From eight to eleven o'clock. 2 West Clark Street." If this formal invitation bears "R. s. v. p." in one comer, it should be accepted in the same per- son in which it is written, thus: "Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure '^ ABBREVIATIONS AND FIGURES Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth." The reply to an invitation, whether formal or informal, should^ to guard against misunderstand- ing, always explicitly repeat the date and the hour. It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous sole- cism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done! The letters "R. s. v. p." are often written or engraved entirely in capitals. This is incorrect. Some people prefer to dispense with them altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion, "The favor of an answer is requested." It will be noticed that figures are avoided. The day of the week, and such words as "street" and "avenue" must appear in full. Some people even write out the year in words, but this looks heavy. Never use "City" or "Town" on an envelope in place of the name of the city. To announce an "At Home" through the news- papers is to be avoided. In case of the sudden de- scent of a friend who will remain for two or three days only it may be done. In that case one must DANCES AND TEAS $ add that there are no invitations, otherwise one's friends may not imderstand. Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas, with "Dancing" written or engraved in the comer of the card. As with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom that some persons follow of writing" "Regrets" on such a card is not good form. An invitation to a card-party, no matter how informal, always demands an answer, as the enter- tainer wishes to know how many tables to provide, and the number of players she can count on. Cards to church weddings demand no answer un- less the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be writ- ten at once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A "crush" church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well and good. If one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that will throng the edi- fice. An invitation to a home wedding or a break- fast demands an answer and thanks for the honor. 6 ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents write letters of agonized inquiry, — ^the addressing of envelopes to the different members of a family. The ques- tion, "May one invitation be sent to an entire fam- ily, consisting of parents, sons and daughters?" is asked again and again. To each of these an em- phatic "No!" is the answer. If any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function, he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One card should be sent to "Mr. and Mrs. Blank" ; another to the "Misses Blank," still another to each son of the family. One can foresee the day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card, so rapidly is feminine individuality develop- ing. Each invitation is enclosed in a separate en- velope, but, if desired, all these envelopes may be enclosed in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house. The most important invitaticm, — one demanding an immediate answer, — is that to a dinner or lunch- eon, be this formal or informal. For stately for- mal dinners, engraved invitations in the third person are sent. But it is quite as good form, and in appearance much more hospitable and complimen- tary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes THE' SINGLE MAN 7 of invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as: "My dear Miss Dorr : "Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleas- ure of having you at dinner with us on Thursday evening, December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we see at our table that night. Dinner will be served at seven o'clock. "Cordially yours, "Louise Brown." An invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her husband, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family. This note may read: "My dear Mrs. Aikman : "Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being our guests at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at seven o'clock ? Sincerely hoping to see you at that time, I remain, "Cordially yours, "Louise Brown." A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be men- B THE INVITATION TO DINNER tioned in the invitation. As, for instance, "Will you dine with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows," and so forth. Single men who are warmly appreciative of din- ner invitations and who foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality offered to them, frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on the day of her entertainment. As soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation, the recipient should write a cor- dial note. If accepting she should express thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being present at the time mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her arrange- ments and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked. If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form bf a recognition of the honor conveyed in the ip- vitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way: "My dear Mrs. Brown : "Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a pre- DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING 9 yious engagement makes it impossible for us to ac- cept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those •who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you. "Cordially and regretfully yours, "Jane Aikman." No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, nothing must be al- lowed to interfere with one's attendance unless one is so ill that one's physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house. Some wit said that a man's only excuse for non- attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an ex- planation. Certain it is that nothing short of one's own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one's attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to en- gage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present. When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A clever woman always has several persons on 10 THE LUNCHEON whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward. All the rules that apply to the sending and re- ceiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with re- gard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as. a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched. In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have- for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is safer to ask one's prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet. Before closing this chapter we should like to re- mind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended. To decline as if the person ex- tending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a re- cently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts ,THE TEA-DANCE ii and declines all invitations as though he were hon- ored by the attention. In doing so he shows him- self worthy to receive any compliment that may tinder any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society's lad- ders would appreciate this truth ! If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance, she writes the suit- able word, "Music," "Bridge," "Garden-party," etc., in place of the word "Dancing." For a dinner dance one sends a note or an en- graved card with "Dancing at ten" or "Cotillion at eleven" in the corner, to the comparatively small nimiber asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only an "At Home" card, with the announcement "Dancing at ten" in the comer. The tea-dance or the-dansant has recently been revived. This calls for an "At Home" card and the word "Dancing" in the comer. It is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about. Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved, while on the other hand 12 CARDS AFTER A DEATH it lacks the real cordiality of the written note. Aim- ing at a combined eflfect, it hardly achieves either of the things desired. ■ A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests "for" dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and cakes are for dinner; the guests should be asked to it. A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission be- forehand, but she will of course, in speaking to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant op- portunity thus afforded to her guest. After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It is the personal privilege of the bereaved to deter- mine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company, but nowadays mourn- ing is not always assumed even by the most griev- ously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities, it is the part of kind- ness to aid them in making this resumption as easy, and natural as possible. HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN 13 It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in some southern places the more 'elegant — if difficult — ^method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many in- formal invitations are now extended by telephone. Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so, ignor- ing their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners. A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception, often do it in this way : "The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford request the honor," etc. An invitation should never begin "You are cor- dially invited," etc. It should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. "The Men's Club invites you" or "The Diocesan Society re- quests the honor of" is good form. CHAPTER II CARDS AND CALLS THE Styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any good stationer can give one the desired informa- tion on these points. In choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outre several seasons hence, unless one's purse will allow one to revise one's plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man's busi- ness-card should be engraved, not printed. It IS no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband's and wife's names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus, — "Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague." Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending 14 THE CARD OF A MATRON 15 gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however^ the husband's card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts, regrets and the like. The card of a matron bears her husband's full name unless she is a divorcee, thus, — "Mrs. George Williams Brown." Even widows retain this style of address. In the lower right-hand corner is the ad- dress, and in the lower left-hand corner one's "at home" days are named, as "Tuesdays until Lent," or "Wednesdays in February and March," or "Thursdays until May." Nicknames and abbreviations are for intimate use only and should never appear on cards or in- vitations. A girl should distinguish between "Kit- ty" and "Katharine," "Sarah" and "Sallie." How- ever, in the south many girls are christened "Sallie," and this is accepted as her full and proper name ac- cordingly. A young woman's cards bear her name, "Miss Blank," if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family. The address on her cards is in the lower left-hand comer. If she has an older sister the card reads "Miss Mary Hilton Blank." A man's card is much smaller than that of a wo- man and often has no address on it, unless it be i'6 THE USE OF TITLES a business-card, which must never be used for so- cial purposes. The "Mr." is puf before the signa- ture as, "Mr. James John Smith." By the time a boy is eighteen he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix "Mr." Until that time, he is, on the rare occasions when he is for- mally addressed, "Master." A clergyman's card is correctly engraved thus: "The Reverend James Vernon Smith." A bishop is entitled to the greater distinction, "The Right Reverend." A physician or a judge may use his title or not as he prefers. Army and navy officers invariably employ theirs except when the rank is as low as that of a lieutenant, when the full name, prefixed by "Mr." is used, and below it, "Lieutenant of Third Cavalry, United States Army." A woman with a daughter-in-law moving in so- ciety in the same city as herself may with propriety have her card engraved simply "Mrs. Brown." Or she may follow the graceful foreign custom and be known as "Madame Brown," which gives a pretty touch of dignity and makes it easy for callers to 'designate which of the two ladies they wish to see if both are living in the same house. A married woman never takes her husband's ti- tle, no matter what that may be. She is never "Mrs. Judge " or "Mrs. Colonel ." Even the ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT 17 president's wife is simply "Mrs. Qeveland" or "Mrs. Harrison." In direct address, the president of the United States is "Mr. President." The vice-president is "Mr. ' ." Members of the cabinet are "Secre- tary A." or "Secretary B.," when introduced, and are addressed as "Mr. Secretary." Senators are always addressed by their titles, but representatives are "Mr," Except in naval and military circles ti- tles expire with office. The man who was governor or mayor last year should not be introduced as "Ex-governor ," "Ex-mayor — ■ — ." Perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regular intervals. In the rush and hurry of American life, it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it. To this end she should keep a regular calling-list or book, and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns. It will require much management and thought to arrange her visits so that they will al- ways fall on the "At Home" days of her acquaint- ances. When a woman has an "At Home" day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business, or by special invitation, or permission. As many women i8 HOW TO SAY GOOD-BY have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fifteen or twenty minutes upon a casual acquaintance, never making it longer than half an hour even at the house of a friend. One should learn to take one's departure on a remark of one's own, not hurrying away the mo- ment one's friend ceases to talk. On the other hand lingering good-bys in ordinary intercourse are a mis- take and suggest that one lacks the finesse neces- sary to manage a polite withdrawal. An amusing story was told in a recent magazine — and vouched for as true — in which two young southern lads making their first formal call, were driven to stay all night because they could not get away — they were so timid. Some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circumstance about calling on an "At Home" day, and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time. She is to do simply what she would do on a^y other day when she is sure of finding her hostess in and dis- engaged. The caller hands her card to the servant opening the door ; then enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present, unless there be a large number of these, in which case she will REFRESHMENTS FOR CALLERS 19 probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity. The caller will chat for a few minutes, take a cup of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, or decline all refreshment if she prefers. At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, she will rise, say "Good after- noon" to her hostess, murmur a "Good afternoon" to the company in general and take her departure. If her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her, the caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out. When a woman is at home one day a week for several months, she is expected to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests. The tea tray is ready on the tea- table at one side of the room, and upon it are cups and saucers, teapot, canister and hot-water ket- tle. A plate of thin bread and butter, or sand- wiches, or biscuits, and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit. The kettle is kept boiling -that fresh tea may be made when re- quired, and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups. If there are many callers, the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups, and sugar and cream. Otherwise the hostess may attend to such matters herself, chatting" 20 HOW MANY CARDS TO LEAVE pleasantly as she does so. It is not incumbent on a caller to take anything to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this. When one attends half-a-dozen such "At Homes" in an afternoon one would have to carry a bag like that worn by Jack the Giant- Killer of fairy lore, if one were to accept refresh- ments at each house. The hostess should, therefore, never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so. In calling on a married woman a matron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband's. Her card is for the hostess, one of her husband's is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house. If there be several ladies in the family, as for instance, a mother and two daughters, the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband's cards for each woman, and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household. This is the general rule, but it must have some exceptions. For instance, in a household where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves her card for "the ladies," and leaves it with her husband's, also for "the ladies." One of his cards is also left for the man of the family. Or if there be several men it may be left simply for "the gentlemen." THE BLACK-EDGED CARD 21 If one knows that there is a guest staying at a house at which one calls, one must send in one's card for this guest. Or, if one have a friend stay- ing in the same town with one, and one calls on her, it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend's hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not. When an engagement is made known the mem- bers of the man's family should immediately call on his fiancee and her family, and a formal dinner should be given for them within two weeks. Custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning. It has its uses and surely its abuses. For those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets, as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non-accept- ance of invitations. It may also be sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it as a calling-card the border should be very narrow. If one is in such deep mourning that one's card must appear with a half-inch of black around it, one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls. Until the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth- of-an-inch width, the owner would do well to shun society. Nor should a black-edged card accompany an in- 22 CALLING AFTER A DEATH vitation to a social function. Several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had, eighteen months before, lost a brother. With the hostess' invitations to the re- ception was enclosed the card of the young gufest, and this card had a black border an eighth of an inch wide. The recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the in- congruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party. Under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social function given in her honor, or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor. If, then, one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society, let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard. In calling at a house after a bereavement, it is well, except when the afflicted one is an intirntate friend, to leave the card with a message of sym- pathy at the door. One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with the card. A fortnight after the fu- neral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family, adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down. Under such circumstances only a supersensitive per- son will be hurt by receiving the message that the MAKING PARTY CALLS 23 ladies beg to be excused, and that they are grate- ful for the kind thought that prompted the call. The rule that we have just given applies to the household in which there is serious illness. A call may consist of an inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. This may be accompanied by some such message as, "Please express my sincere hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall be grateful if he will let me know." One should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made. After a dinner, luncheon or card-party, a call must be made within a fortnight. An afternoon tea requires no "party call." After a large reception one may call within the month. After a wedding reception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride, and on the bride on her "At Home" day as soon as possible after her return from the wedding trip. If one is in doubt as to the propriety 'of calling after an invitation, it is better to err on the side of making the call. One's courteous intention will surely be appreciated while not to call may seem an unpardonable omission. In the case of an invitatioil extended without 24 EXCEPTIONS TO SOCIAL RULES a first call having been made, women sometimes express doubt as to the course they should pur- sue. In the first place they will do well to realize that some, of the people who entertain most de- lightfully are extremely busy people to whom the rigid routine of formal etiquette would be an in- tolerable burden. A clever woman is known by nothing more certainly than by the unerring instinct with which she relaxes her demands in such in- stances. If the woman who wishes to entertain encloses her own card this may be accepted as a substitute for the usual first call. The social value of one dinner invitation transcends many calls. Even if the visiting-card is not enclosed the re- cipient of the invitation will — if she be a sensible woman — accept if she really wishes to do so. At this point, however, social usage should begin to assert itself and the invited one should not fail to make the customary call of appreciation after the "party." If one does not wish to make the ac-" quaintance offered a formal note of declination will serve to discourage further intrusion. * A rather surprising question sometimes asked is whether one should call after a dinner or dance invitation that has been declined. Certainly, the call should be made. One has been honored by one's friends and the fact that one was prevented! by circumstances from actually enjoying their hos- WHO SHOULD CALL FIRST 25 pitality makes no difference whatever with one's responsibility for expressing appreciation. A card with a message written on it fills many convenient social needs but it should never be used to take the place bf a formal note. So employed it suggests haste and a degree of indifference that are contrary to the best breeding. The corners of cards are no longer turned down for any purpose. If one, on calling, is told by the servant opening the door that "Mrs. Brown is not at home," this does not mean literally that Mrs. Brown is of ne- cessity out of the house, neither does it mean that the servant has been instructed to tell an untruth. "Not at home" is an accepted abbreviation for "Not at home to visitors." There are those to whom the phrase will, however, always have a disagree- able ring, and if Mrs. Brown have more tact and originality than the conventions demand she will probably direct her maid to say instead, "Mrs. Brown is not receiving to-day. She receives on Mondays." Who calls first? The custom of residents calling on the newcomer is so firmly established in almost all communities that one may wonder at the ques- tion being asked. Yet in Washington — that is to say, in official Washington, this custom is reversed, 26 CUSTOM IN SMALL TOWNS and it is the newcomer who calls at the White House, on the vice-president, members of the cabi- net, etc In the case of the highest officials a re- turn call is not expected but the courtesy is rec- ognized by an invitation to some general reception. The hours for calling vary according to the com- munity one is in — though no afternoon call should be made before three o'clock. In small towns and villages where supper is eaten at six o'clock, one should not prolong a call after five-thirty. Eve- ning calls in most American cities are usually made at eight o'clock or soon after, though in large eastern places where dinner is not served until seven, seven-thirty or eight, the nine o'clock call is not unusual. Calls on the sick should be made with the great- est discretion. One should ascertain in the first place whether or not one's friend will really be equal to seeing one, and then stay for a few mo- ments only. Sick-bed visits especially should not be allowed to become visitations. Many a person with a chance for recovery has literally been talked into his grave by well-meaning callers. Intelligent ipurses will quietly ask such people to remain away. CHAPTER III LETTER- WRITING THE writing of letters, of the good old-fash- ioned kind, is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People used to write epistles. Now they write notes. Before the days of the stenographer, the typewriter, the telegraph and telephone, when people made their own clothes by hand, wove their own sheets and had no time-saving machines, they found leisure to write epistles to their friends- Some of us are so fortunate as to have stowed away in an old trunk a bundle of these produc- tions. The ink is pale and the paper yellowed,, but the matter is still interesting. All the news of the family, the neighborhood gossip, the latest sayings and doings of the children and of callers, an account of the books read, of the minister's last sermon and of the arrival of the newest of many olive branches, filled pages. What must these same pages have meant to the exile from home! And how much there was in such letters to answer I Still, even in this day and generation, there are 27 28 HOW NOT TO WRITE a few people who have so far held to the good old traditions that they write genuine letters. And — wonder of wonders! — they answer questions asked them in letters written by their correspond- ents. Only those who have written questions to which they desired prompt answers, appreciate how maddening it is to receive a letter that tells you everything except the answers to your queries. And this ignoring of the epistle one is supposed to be answering is a feature of the up-to-date letter- writer. There is, even in friendly correspondence, a right and a wrong way of doing a thing. The wrong, and well-nigh universal, way of treating a letter is as follows : It is read as rapidly as possible, pigeonholed and forgot. Weeks hence, in clearing out the desk it is found, the handwriting recognized, and it is laid aside to be answered later. When that "later*' comes depends on the leisure of the owner. At last a so-called answer is hastily written without a second reading of the letter to which one is replying. Such a reply begins with an apology for a long and un- avoidable silence, an account of how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a passing mention of the number of duties one has to perform, a wish that the two correspondents may meet in the near future and a rushing final sentence of affection followed by the signature. Such is the modern letter. THE GOOD-LOOKING NOTE 29 If a correspondent is worth having, she is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be read care- fully, and laid aside until such time as one can have a half-hour of uninterrupted writing. Then, let the letter one would answer be read, and the questions it contains be answered in order, and first of all. This is common courtesy. After which one may write as much as time and inclination per- mit. If one has not the time to conduct one's correspondence in this way, let one have fewer correspondents. It is more fair to them and to one's self. Colored letter-paper is in bad form unless the color be a pale gray or a light blue. From time to time, stationers have put upon the market paper outre in design and coloring, and the persons who have used it were just what might be expected. It reminds one of what Richard Grant White said of the words "gents" and "pants" — he noticed "that the one generally wore the other." So, paper that is such bad form as this is usually used by per- sons who are "bad form." All good-looking notes have a considerable margin at the left hand; punc- tilious people insist on a right-hand margin also. Plain white or cream paper of good quality is always in fashion. For social correspondence this paper must be so cut that it is folded but once 30 SEALING THE ENVELOPE tc be slipped into an envelope. At the top of the page in the middle may be the address, as "123 West Barrows Street," and the name of the city. Just now, this is the only marking that is used on the sheet, although some persons have the initials •or monogram, or crest, in place of the address. It is no longer fashionable to have the crest or monogram and the address also. The envelope is marked or not, as one chooses. The use of sealing^ wax gives a touch of distinction for which a few persons still take time. Only white or delicately •colored wax is acceptable, unless at holiday time, -when the- festive touch given by scarlet, is in season. Letter-heads, such as are used for business cor- respondence, should never be used for social pur- poses. Even th6 business man may keep in his •office desk a quire or two of plain paper upon -which to write society notes and replies to invita- tions. Nor is it permissible for him to use the typewriter in inditing these. All his business cor- respondence may be conducted with the aid of the invaluable machine, and he may, if he ask per- mission to do so, send letters to members of his own family on the typewriter. But all other cor- respondence should be done with pen and ink. Unfortunately, mourning stationery is still in ADDRESSING BUSINESS FIRMS 31 vogue. The recipient of a black-edged letter is often conscious of a distinct shock when she first sees the emblem of dolor, and wonders if it con- tains the notice of a death. For this reason many- considerate followers of conventionalities do not use the black-edged stationery, but content themselves with plain white paper marked with the address- er monogram in black lettering. A social or friendly letter is frequently dated at the end, at the left-hand lower corner of the sig- nature. A business communication is dated at the upper right-hand comer. The expression "My dear Mr. Blank" is more formal than is "Dear Mr. Blank," and is, therefore, used in society notes. Do not — as some have done — ^begin "dear" with a capital. Unsophisticated persons sometimes hesitate to use the prefix "dear," — ^they may be assured that in this connection it is merely a polite form, with no sentimental flavor whatever. Business letters addressed to a man- should begin with the name of the person to whom: they are intended on one line, the salutation oit. the next, as : "Mr. John Smith" 6n the upper line, and below this, "Dear Sir." In addressing a firm, consisting of more than one person, write the name of the firm, as "Smith, Jones and Company," there below, "Dear Sirs." The salutation "Gentlemeft'" 32 THE SIGNATURE , in such: a case is old- fashioned but is prpf erred by some ceremonious • persons who also like to, put "Esq." after a man's name on an enye;lope jn, place of, putting "Mr." before it. It should be unnecessary to remiijd women not to preface their signatures with the title "Mrs." or "Miss." Such a mistake stamps one as a vul- garian or an ignoramus. The name in full may be signed, as : "Mary Bacon Smith," If the writer be a married woman, and the person to whom she writes does not know whether she be married or single, she should write her husband's name with the preface "Mrs." below her signature, or in the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as ("Mrs. James Hayes Smith"). An unmarried woman will save her correspondent embarrassment ^ by putting "Miss Brown" in parentheses in this corner. To sign one's name prefaced by the first letter is no longer considered good form. "J. Henry Wells" should be "John Henry Wells." If one would use one initial letter instead of the full name, let that letter be the middle initial, as "John H. Wells," or "J. H. Wells." I wish I could impress on all iollowers of good form that a posta.1 card is a solecism except when THE POSTAL CARD 33 used for business purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to send one to a friend or a member of one's family, as, when stopping for a moment at a railroad station one wishes to send a line home telling of one's safety at the present stage of the journey, the sentences should be short and to the point, and unprefaced by an affectionate salutation. All love-messages should be omitted, as should the intimate termination that is entirely proper in a sealed letter. "Affectionately" or "Lovingly" are out of place when written upon a postal card. Ex- pressions such as "God bless you!" or "I love you," or "Love to the dear ones," are in shockingly bad taste except under cover of an envelope. A good rule to impress on those having a penchant for the prevalent post-card is as follows: "Use for business when brevity and simplicity are the order of the day; never use for friendly correspondence unless the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp is an impossibility." The friendly letter may be as long as time and inclination permit. The business communication ishould be written in as few and clear sentences as possible. Some one has said that to write a model business letter one should "begin in the middle of it." In other words, it should be unprefaced by any unnecessary sentences, but should begin im- 34 LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE mediately on the business in hand, continue and iinish with it. For such letters "Very truly yours" is the correct ending, unless, as in the case of a man or firm addressing a letter to a person totally unknown to the writer, and of marked eminence, when the expression "Respectfully yours" may be used. Many people consider letters of congratulation and condolence the most difficult to write. This is because one feels that a certain kind of form is necessary and that conventional and stilted phrases are proper under the circumstances. This is a mis- take, for, going on the almost unfailing principle that what comes from the heart, goes to the heart, the best form to be used toward those in sorrow or joy is a genuine expression of feeling. If you are sorry for a friend, write to her that you are, and that you are thinking of her and longing to help her. If you are happy in her happiness, say so as cordially as words can express it. It happens now and then that even the quietest person wishes to write to a man of political prom- inence. Such persons, whether they be diplomats or members of Congress, may properly be addressed as "Honorable Mr. ." The president is "The LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 35 Honorable, the President of the United States." To use the article before the title is more elegant. Bishops of any church are entitled to the prefix, "The Right Reverend." In conversation, the rec- tor of a "high" Episcopal church is_often affection- ately addressed as "Father ," but this form of greeting would not be used on an envelope. The dean of a cathedral should be addressed as "The Very Reverend ." Very small paper and envelopes for society notes are less used than formerly, many persons pre- ferring what are called correspondence cards, heavy cream-white single cards on which a few lines may be written and which are slipped into their en- velopes without folding. Letters of introduction should bear on the out- side of the envelope, in the lower left-hand corner the words, "Introducing Miss ," in order that the two thus brought together may be saved any momentary embarrassment. They should not be sealed. One should be very careful not to give these letters unless one is reasonably warranted in making a demand on the time and courtesy of the person on whom one is making the social draft. To give one's card by way of introduction makes 36 ENCLOSING A STAMP less of a demand on one's friend than does a letter. A woman does not present a letter of introduction in person; a man does. When one avails one's self of a member of one's family or a friend as messenger, one should write on the envelope in the lower left-hand corner, ■"Kindness of Mary" or "Politeness of Miss Briggs." We can not close this chapter on letter-writing without a word to the person who writes a letter asking a question on his own business, and fails to enclose a stamp. This is equivalent to asking the recipient on whom one has no claim to give one the time required for writing an answer to one's query, and a two-cent stamp as well. When the matter on which one writes is essentially one's own business, and not that of the person to whom one writes and from whom one demands a reply, one should always enclose a stamp, thus making the favor one asks of the least possible trouble to one's correspondent. Some people enclose a stamped and self-addressed envelope but as the other per- son's paper may not fit the envelope, the well- meant courtesy often defeats itself. In all business and society correspondence a let- ter should be answered as soon as possible after it is received. One may afford to take a certain PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING 37 amount of liberty with one's friends, and lay aside a letter for some days before answering it. But the acceptance or declinature of an invitation, and the answer to a business communication, should be sent with as little delay as possible. CHAPTER IV INTRODUCTIONS THIS matter of introductions is one rather too lightly considered on our free American soil. Unless the social exigencies are such as to make the atmosphere formal and unpleasant if people are tinknown to each other, it is taking a liberty to present a man to a woman without first and pri- vately asking her permission. It is a woman's priv- ilege to decline or to accept masculine acquaintance as she chooses. If she grants permission for the introduction, the person who has asked such per- mission brings the man in question to her and says: "Miss A., may I have the pleasure of pre- senting Mr. B. to you?" We have all been wit- nesses at some time or other of that most unconven- tional performance where the woman in the case allows herself to be dragged across the floor to the man concerned. We have all, on occasion, heard the proper form so twisted as to make the woman the person presented instead of the man. 38 INTRODUCING ONE'S HUSBAND 39 This IS the worst sort of no- form. The social con- vention prescribes that the man shall take the initia- tive in requesting the introduction, that he shall seek the lady, that he shall be the person presented. An American woman in presenting her husband will usually say, "My husband, Mr. Smith." An English woman would be more formal. She would say simply, "Mr. Smith." When a man is pre- sented to a woman, if she is seated she need not rise but may merely bow. In case the man is dis- tinguished or elderly or if he be a warm friend of her husband, or her guest, she will rise and shake hands. Never awkwardly drag a newcomer around to every person in a large circle. Introduce him to several of those nearest and later such further in- troductions as are desirable will naturally follow. When the group includes a half-dozen only, it is necessary to introduce all round. In this case the ceremony may be gracefully shortened by re- peating two or three names together, thus: "Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Smith, may I present Mr. James?" Never introduce your sister or your daughter, if she be grown, merely as such. The other person will be confused, not knowing whether the one introduced is married or single, and hence in doubt as to what name to use. 40 CLERICAL INTRODUCTIONS At a reception given to an archbishop of the, Roman Catholic church, it is customary for de- vout Catholics to kiss the ring but Protestants may merely shake hands. A cardinal ranks as a prince of the Roman Catholic church and is addressed as "His Eminence." Women as well as men are pre- sented to him, not he to them. A woman is, also presented to a bishop. When two women of about equal age and im- portance are to be introduced merely mention the two names, thus: "Mrs. A., Mrs. B." The gen- eral rule in all introductions is to present the woman to the man, the young man or young woman to the elderly, the unmarried woman to the matron, when of about the same age. One may say "May I present" or with two men of near the same age, "I want you to know." Never say, "Let me make you acquainted with." That is provincial. The American who goes abroad expecting to be presented at court must, of course, acquaint him- self witlr the etiquette of that court. He will re- ceive such advice as he needs from his ambassador but it may be useful for him to know ahead of time some of the things that are required of him, or more precisely of her, for court presentations are much more coveted and sought after by Ameri- can women than by men. However, it is understood ADDRESSING THE QUEEN 41 that a man whose wife has been presented is him- self eligible to attend the king's next reception for gentlemen only. The English queen is addressed simply as "Ma'am" by all Americans who have the honor of presentation. King George would be addressed as "Sir." The Prince of Wales is "Prince" and his wife "Princess." The phrase "Your Majesty" is reserved for use by the lower English classes. An American, by virtue of his having no rank at all, takes rank with the highest when he is introduced at court. A duke is ad- dressed simply as "Duke," and a marquis by his title, "Lord ." The daughters of dukes, mar- quises and earls must be given their Christian names, as "Lady Mary Towers." The sons should be ad- dressed as "Lord John Towers," "Lord Henry Towers." An archbishop is properly addressed as "Your Grace" or "My Lord," but his wife is plain "Mrs. ." Members of foreign royal families have the title of "Prince" and "Princess." A baron visiting in this country would be pre- sented to the American ladies he meets quite like any other gentleman, and his wife would not take pre- cedence of them unless she happened to be elderly. When in a friend's house one should bear in mind that introductions are the natural preroga- tive of the host and the hostess. One should not. '42 PROFESSIONAL MEN however, allow an awkward situation to "develop from a too rigid observance of this rule. Remember that many professional men do not like to be called "Professor" because of the cheap ways in which this title has in recent years been used. By a little tact in individual instances one can learn which is preferred — "Professor," or "Mr.," or "Doctor," if the person in question be entitled to that distinction. In making introductions a clever man or woman often adds a word of comment that will help the two meeting to start their acquaintance on a friendly and intelligent basis. CHAPTER V AFTER SIX O CLOCK FOR most of us the active business of the day is over at sundown. Mothers of large fami- lies, physicians and occasionally other workers are employed over time; but most of us can count on leisure after six o'clock. Much of our happiness depends upon how this leisure is employed. That it should afford recreation of one sort or another is a commonly accepted opinion, though one that is accepted usually without appreciation of the ob- ligations involved. Recreation implies something more than idleness. One can not be amused in any worth-while sense without sitting up and paying attention. Foreigners complain habitually that Americans take their pleasure sadly, that they do not go in for gaiety with spirit. We are much more vital in our attitude toward work than to- ward play. We know that we must pay for suc- cess in labor of any sort, but the debt we owe to amusement is a point not yet so widely grasped. Pleasure is shy of the person who makes only 43 44 HOME FESTIVITY occasional advances to her. She must be courted habitually in order to give a full return. We are all acquainted with the dull unhappy appear- ance of the sedulous man of business off for a rare holiday. He is out of his element. He knows how to behave himself at work but he is not ac- quainted with the fundamental principles of having a good time. These can not be learned in a min- ute. One must have practise in enjoyment in order to carry off the matter easily; and this practise should be a habit of every-day life. Many people who stand shyly off from the delights of the world and wonder why they are deprived of them, fail to realize that diversion of any sort worthy the name, is a thing for which one must make some effort. It is at home that one should cultivate the graces that make one attractive abroad; and this is only preliminary to saying that planning for the every- day recreation of a household should be as much a matter of course as devising ways and means for the purchase of food and clothing. The first requisite for bringing about an atmos- phere of festivity and good cheer at home is to adopt in some degree the methods that one uses away from home. If one is invited out to din- ner, one makes some preparation for it, and so one THE HOME DINNER 45 should do for dinner at home. Externals have much to do with coaxing gaiety to live as a guest in the house. A pretty table and food managed with some regard to esthetic values as well as to the palatable quality, have a happy effect upon the mind and temper of the diners. A few flowers properly dis- tributed assist still further. If all the inmates of a house are in the habit, as they should be, of making some change in their toilet for dinner, this of itself makes a sharp line of demarcation between the work-time and the play-time of the twenty-four hours. The hint of festivity in attire induces a hap- py and a festive frame of mind, imparts just that touch of difference from the habit of prosaic day- light necessary to send the mind sailing off into pleasant channels. The care for the dinner-table, for the personal ap- pearance and, generally speaking, for pretty en- vironment implies effort. Lazy people can not hope for these delightful effects of a material kind. Neither can they expect the happiness which comes to those who take some pains at home for the men- tal entertainment of themselves and their household. There are many people who regard it as deceitful and insincere to forecast what one shall talk about and it is quite true that formally planned talk is a foe to spontaneity and naturalness. But usually the 46 THE TIME FOR PLAY man or woman who entertains by his conversation is the person who, in a general way, has taken some thought about what he shall say. Given the oppor- tunity, conversation, charming in its spontaneity, rises out of the mental habit of noting down for fu- ture reference pleasant or odd personal experiences, good stories, the quirks in one's own mind. One must not intrude these in a place where they do not fit, but it is not in the least a social sin to guide the talk toward your own thought provided you do not thereby push out something better. We are all giv- en tongues and with them a certain conversational responsibility. If each member of the family made it his business and his pleasure during the day to remember the best part of his experience that he might relate it at the dinner-hour some part of that gloom which descends upon so many American fam- ilies at the evening meal would be dissipated. If one cultivates the prettier touches of personal appearance for that part of the day after six o'clock, whether at home or abroad, one should also culti- vate the pleasanter and more agreeable states of mind. Business should be put behind one. The petty cares of the day should go unmentioned. The ills of body and mind should be, as far as possible, forgot. Those little courtesies and formalities of manner that we admire in the practised man 6s GAMES AS A PASTIME 47 woman of society are as decorative at home as away and equally creative of a festive atmosphere. In one of the magazines of the last decade there is a homely effective story of a young girl, just home from a house-party and full of its gaiety, to whom the idea occurred that the methods employed by her hostess might make a delightful week in her own large family circle. She took the matter in hand, and invited her mother to be the guest of honor for the seven days. Some entertainment was planned for each evening in the week, sometimes with vis- itors and sometimes not. The women of the fam- ily wore their best frocks frequently during the week. The prettiest china and the best silver were used as freely as if for company. The result of it all was that the family voted visiting at home a signal success. There are many specific ways of providing amusement for evenings at home. One has space only for the mention of a few of these in a short article on the subject. Games of various kinds are an excellent resource for making the after-dinner time pass pleasantly. They cultivate quickness of decision, sociability, a friendly rivalry. Success in games is partly a matter of chance but much more of attention and skill. Many people sniff at them who are too lazy to make the conquest of their methods. 48 READING ALOUD Charades, of which English people never grow tired, as a means of diversion, have their ups and downs in the more quickly changing fashions of America. They provide one of the easiest and merriest means of entertainment. They may be of any degree of simplicity or elaboration, and they call forth as much or as little ingenuity as is pos- sessed by the actors in any given case. They are usually popular because almost everybody has latent a little talent for the actor's art at which he is willing to try his luck. Many people who are afraid to join in formal theatricals find an outlet for this taste in charades; and so informal usually is this kind of entertainment that the spectators enjoy the acting whether well done or otherwise. It is enough to see one's friends and acquaintances struggling with a part. If well done, one enjoys the success; if not, one applauds the absurdity of the conception. Reading aloud to a congenial home party hag much to be said in its favor, in spite of its present reputation as a stupid means of passing an evening. "The world may be divided into two classes," runsi an old and favorably known joke, "those who like reading aloud and those who do not. Those who like it are those who do the reading ; those who dis- like k are those who do the listening." The half- THE POPULAR HOUSE 49 truth in this witticism must not be accepted for more than it is worth. As an occasional means of passing an evening, reading aloud is diverting and stimulating. The habit of spending one's evenings in that way is not an encouragement to variety and liveliness of mind. One gets into the way of de- pending upon the author in hand for entertainment instead of depending upon the action of one's own mind. Small doses of reading aloud are good. Continual doses are fatal to a proper social ideal. The people who make their own houses a center of attraction are, generally speaking, happy people. The house where the evening is accepted as a time of diversion is the popular house. The atmosphere there begets gaiety and naturalness of manner. We have all had the experience of making evening calls where we were compelled to stand in the hall till the gas was lighted in the drawing-room or the electricity turned on, where we must pass a dreary fifteen minutes before the members of the family are ready to receive. This kind of preliminary puts a damper upon the spirits of host and guests from which they do not easily recover. To be ready for pleasant evenings, to meet them half-way by one's attitude is a good recipe for insuring their arrival. A pleasant and informal method of insuring good times in one's own house is to make a feature of the so THE SUNDAY NIGHT SUPPER Sunday night supper. This is not so formal or expensive a mode of entertainment as dinner-giv- ing. " It is a jolly and pleasant method. One may have everything in the way of edibles prepared for the meal in the morning except perhaps one article to be made on the chafing-dish. One may serve this meal with or without servants. Often the guests enjoy the freedom implied in helping the hostess carry off successfully the details of serving. The Sunday evening supper is one of those festiv- ities that imply some elasticity in numbers. This is the sort of meal to which the unexpected guest is welcome, at which the person who "happens in" may feel entirely at ease. Where there are young people in the house, the Sunday night supper is an especially popular institution. They appreciate the delights of entertaining without the care or the for- mality of more elaborate functions. The ways of enjoying life away from home after six o'clock in the evening, readily suggest them- selves. There are the various functions to which one is invited. There is the theater, the most de- lightful of resources, but unfortunately one which by reason of its expense is available frequently only by the rich. Receptions, dinners, card-parties and the theater all go to make this earth a more agree- able place to those who have the social instinct. But PRACTISING COURTESY 51 it must never be forgot that the fundamental place for the cultivation of this instinct is at home, which is the practise ground for formal and gen- eral society. CHAPTER VI FUNCTIONS THE rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which function ladies only are usually invited, although when served ^t twelve o'clock, and called "breakfast," men are also bidden. At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated. Just why women elect to sit through an entire meal in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and some independent host- esses request that hats be removed. But if they are retained, the gloves also should be worn to the table, not taken off up-stairs, as is often done. When the gloves are long, some women merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist, an ugly habit. In giving luncheons, hostesses with beautifully polished tables often prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth. More precise women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth, but 52 FORMAL RECEPTIONS 53 from an artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming. Ltoncheon guests should remember that their host- ess may have engagements for the late afternoon, and not ordinarily prolong their stay after three o'clock — ^if luncheon has been at one. At an evening reception, the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before one enters the drawing-room one deposits one's cards on the salver on the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who re- peats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters the parlors at this moment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after greeting her, speaks with each person receiving with her. He then passes on and mingles with the rest of the company. An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only difference being that, at an eve- ning function refreshments are more elaborate than 54 CORRECT AFTERNOON DRESS at an afternoon aflfair, and frequently the guests repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions, this is also done, but at a tea refresh- ments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms. A friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and the chocolate, and other friends are asked to assist. At successful receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the guests, but are rather on the lookout for any who rriay be strange or timid. Refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner are not to be served at after- noon affairs. At the tea proper, only tea, bread and butter and little cakes are offered. If more than this is served the occasion is more properly called a reception. In any case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the elab- orate nature of an evening party and only in pro- vincial communities is it allowed to do this. Many women in such places do not properly distinguish between afternoon and evening dress. While a woman may suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck, she should not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do not come to the elbow. The "high tea" is a sit-down affair, really a very late luncheon. It is said to have originated in HOW TO REVIVE FLOWERS 55 Philadelphia and is, as one would expect, a for- mal stately affair with an elaborate menu. The guests have a delightful time — ^but do not want any dinner that evening. It is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or dinner flowers intended for deco- ration arrive from the florist in a wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in boiling water. At a very large reception it is not now required that one force one's self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal leave. One may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so. Music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking diflficult. In any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side room or hall is ample. Foreigners find our babel of voices at such affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one is to be heard. Oliver Wendell Holmes is said to have described the aver- age afternoon tea in four words, thus: "Gibble, gabble, gobble, git." It can not be denied that they often merit the satire. The "coming-out" party or reception, at which the debutante makes her entrance in the world of society, is conducted as is any other reception, but S6 THE COMING-OUT PARTY the debutante stands by her mother and receives with her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl. Her dress should be exquisite, and she should carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the coming-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for the young people. In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter's card is enclosed with that of the mother, or her name is engraved below that of her mother on the latter's card. One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes, and may take re- freshments or not as one wishes. Just before de- parting the guest says good night to his hosts. The hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If the cards read "eight-thirty to eleven o'clock," any time after nine o'clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company. A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness. If the invita- SERENITY AT CARDS 57 tionsT call for eight-thirty, one must try not to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late, as the start- ing of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the game is ended, refresh- ments are served, and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one's departure. It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may com- mit. The same rule of promptness applies to a musi- cale. After greeting the hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those per- sons near them until the program is begun. Dur- ing the music not a word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others' enjoyment of a musical feast. At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when 58 FILLING DANCE PROGRAMS one wishes. The ladies are shown to the dressing- room, then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance- hall. Here the host and hostess greet one, after Tvhich one mingles with the company. At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man and each woman receiving ■one as he or. she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing-room. Upon this card a woman has inscribed the names of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say "Thank you!" The woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same words. No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or care- Jess as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly •apologize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the woman ;must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable. THE HOSTESS AT A DANCE 59 A man invited to a dance will properly pay par- ticular attention to the young ladies of the family whose guest he is, and will not neglect to ask their mother for one number if she be dancing. A con- venient phrase covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active part in the festivities is, "Are you dancing to-night?" The hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing, unless her guests are provided with part- ners — or, at least, she should not dance during the firs': part of the evening if other women are un- supplied with partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings; will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the entertainers. A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken, to her chaperon, or to some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the begin- ning of the next dance. At a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes provides for the proper at- tendance for the girls going home but it is not often wise to depend on this. A girl, if she is 6o THE ENGAGED COUPLE going to the home of an intimate friend, need not iiave a chaperon, but she should arrange that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of ■what is sometimes a trying responsibility. If the guest be a mature woman she may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab. The etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be explained in the chapters on *'Weddings." In our foremothers' day the publicity of the de- clared engagement was a thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own. Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly- married, but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under the trying con- ditions attendant upon a recently-announced en- gagement demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are vulgar, or that self-absorption, or absorption in each other, is in wretched taste. The girl should act toward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation. The man, while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still mingle with others and ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENTS 6t talk with them, forcing himself, if necessary, to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice. The fact that ro- mantic young people and critical older ones are- watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most nearly con- cerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous. change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are ia private. If they love each other, their happiness, is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for pub-^ lie view. It is customary, when an engagement is an- nounced, for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty betrothal gift. She must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks, and appreciation. It is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement, except to her own family and dear friends. A friend of the family may do this,, either at a luncheon or party given for this pur* pose, or by mentioning it to the persons who wilE be interested in the pleasant news. When a girE 62 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say ■"Thank you!" She should drill herself not to ap- pear uncomfortably embarrassed. The same rule applies to the happy man. The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not Mvorn until the engagement is announced. The happily married often consider the Great Event of their lives of sufficient interest to the Tvorld-at-large to be commemorated by yearly fes- tivities. Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus: June 15, 1880 June 15, 1905. If the anniversary be the Silver Wedding the script may be in silver; if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wedding invitations, engraved or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were served on •wooden plates. The Wooden Wedding is celebrated after an interval of five years. At a Tin Wedding, tinware was used extensively, even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. This wed- ding marks the flight of ten years of married life. CHRISTENING PARTIES 63 The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife receive together, and, if refresh- ments are served at tables, they sit side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable. to the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender, and the word "Congratulations." It is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebra- tion of the anniversary. An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time, and rules for conducting- such a one apply to this affair. To repeat the wedding ceremony, as is sometimes done, is in bad taste. In close sequence to weddings and wedding an- niversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening-parties. As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, the christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon. As it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the daytime on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an aifair. Every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers and godmothers, if one be- longs to a church having such. If not, the father holds the child, and the father and mother take 64 TAKING LEAVE «pon them the vows of the church to which they belong. After the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions, while those as- sembled in its honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion. The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child — ^usually some piece of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and hap- piness. Handsome calling gowns are en regie at a chris- tening. Refreshments are often served en buffet at home weddings and at receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this method. To pro- vide small tables for one's guests to be seated at is much the better way when it is practicable. You will seem more hospitable and your guest will be jnore comfortable. The person who eats standing -always has a catch-a-train look. If obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party, go as quietly as possible. No hostess THE MARGIN OF MANNERS 65 liWes to have her entertainment broken off unsea- sonably. Never hesitate at any social gathering to speaK pleasantly to any one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks to you, even though no introduction has taken place. In England, few formal introductions are made, — as the phrase goes, "the roof is the introduction." A passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing while it has a broad social value. Never indulge in snubs. If you are open to no higher appeal, remember that it pays to be civil all round. James has spoken of "the margin of manners," — it is a useful asset. In recent years it has become permissible for the woman who wishes to give a large entertain- ment to do it at a club-house or in a hotel ballroom hired for the occasion. Frequently the room is made more attractive by the addition of rugs and other furnishings from the home of the hostess. While the hired hall is a convenience, and to the woman living in an apartment a necessity for re- ceptions and dances, it can never take in elegance and the spirit of true hospitality the place of en- tertaining under one's roof. When one sees v/omen of wealth and leisure resort to it — "Because it 66 HAVE PLENTY OF CHAIRS saves bother, you know" — one feels that these women must regard the events of social life as disagreeable duties rather than delightful oppor- tunities. With us "Bonnets before six but not after" is the rule, and this is also the custom in England. But at formal receptions in the evening in France the hat is retained. The combination of picture- hat and low-cut gown is particularly attractive and one wishes that American women would occasion- ally, at least, copy it. If you give a musicale be sure you provide plen- ty of chairs. To do this one must, unfortunately, rent folding chairs and these always have a slight funereal aspect. But that is better than compelling people to stand. One wonders why women of large means, who entertain on a corresponding scale, do not buy several dozen of these chairs and stain them dark. A woman who spoke of a certain house as hospitable in appearance, being asked what she meant, answered, "There are so many places in it to sit." A woman who is not willing to take the trouble to be a hostess should not ask people to her house. In order to make even a simple entertainment a success it is necessary that there should be a direct- ing though quiet influence. Some women are too THE IDEAL SOCIETY 67 strenuous as hostesses, others are merely guests at their own parties. Here as elsewhere there is a medium course that is most to be desired. The spirit of an ideal society has been well ex- pressed by Amiel in his famous Journal: "In so- ciety people are expected to behave as if they lived on ambrosia and concerned themselves with nothing but the loftiest interests. Anxiety, need, passion, have no existence. All realism is suppressed as brutal. In a word, what we call 'society' proceeds for the moment on the flattering illusory assump- tion that it is moving in an ethereal atmosphere and breathing the air of the gods. All vehemence, all natural expression, all real suffering, all careless familiarity, or any frank sign of passion, are start- ling and distasteful in this delicate milieu; they at once destroy the common work, the cloud palace, the magical architectural whole, which has been raised by the general consent and effort. It is like the sharp cock-crow which breaks the spell of all enchantments, and puts the fairies to flight. These select gatherings produce, without knowing it, a sort of concert for eyes and ears, an improvised work of art. By the instinctive collaboration of everybody concerned, intellect and taste hold fes- tival, and the associations of reality are exchanged for the associations of imagination. So under- 68 A PERFECT SOCIAL GROUP stood, society is a form of poetry; the cultivated, classes deliberately recompose the idyll of the past and the buried world of Astrea. Paradox or no, I believe that these fugitive attempts to recon- struct a dream whose only end is beauty represent confused reminiscences of an age of gold haunting the human heart, or rather aspirations toward a harmony of things which every-day reality denies to us, and of which art alone gives us a glimpse." Speaking of a certain soiree, the same writer emphasizes the fact that the most beautiful social groups are not confined to any one age or sex. "About thirty people representing our best society were there, a happy mixture of sexes and ages. There were gray heads, young girls, bright faces — the whole framed in some Aubusson tapestries which made a charming background, and gave a soft air of distances to the brilliantly-dressed groups." CHAPTER VII THE HOME WEDDING TO a home wedding, invitations may be issued two weeks in advance. Their style depends up- on how formal the function is to be. If a quiet family affair, the notes of invitation may be written in the first person by the bride's mother, as : "My Dear Mary : "Helen and Mr. Jones are to be married on Wednesday, October the thirteenth, at four o'clock. The marriage will be very quiet, with none but the family and most intimate friends present. We hope that you will be of that number. Helen sends her love and begs that you will come to see her married. "Faithfully yours, "Joanna Smith." This kind of note is, of course, only permissible for the most informal affairs. For the usual home marriage, cards, which read as follows, may be issued : "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Blank's company at the marriage of their daughter on the afternoon of Wednesday, 69 •JO WEDDING CARDS the thirteenth of October, at four o'clock, at Qne hundred and forty-four Madison Square, Boston." Or the invitations may read : "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleas- ure of your company at the marriage of their daugh- ter, Helen Adams, to Mr. Charles Sprague, on Tuesday afternoon, October the thirteenth, at four o'clock." "R. s. V. p." may be added if desired. Some people prefer to "request the honor of," etc., as more elegant. Wedding-cards are enclosed in two envelopes, with the inner one bearing the name only and left unsealed. Sunday weddings are not good form, and Friday is, owing to the old superstition, not popular. Prob- ably more weddings take place on Wednesday than on any other day. At a home wedding, the bride often has but one girl attendant, and that one is the maid of honor. The bride tells her what kind of dress she wishes her to wear, and the bridegroom provides her bou- quet for her. He also sends the bride her bouquet. THE MATTER OF EXPENSES 71 The wedding expenses of the bridegroom are the flowers for the bride and her maid of honor or bridesmaids, the carriage in which he takes his bride to the train, the carriages for best man and ushers, and the clergjmian's fee. Besides this, he usually provides his ushers and best man with a scarf-pin. In some cases he gives these attendants also their gloves and ties; sometimes he does not. The bride's family pays all other expenses, including the decorating of the house, the invitations and an- nouncement cards and the caterer. If guests from a distance are to be met at the train by carriages, the bride's father pays for these. We will suppose that at the house wedding with which we have to do the only attendants are the best man, two ushers and the maid of honor, and that the ceremony is at high noon, or twelve o'clock. The matter of lights at this function is largely a question of taste. If the day be brilliantly clear, it seems a pity to shut the glorious sunshine from the house. Therefore many brides decline to have the curtains drawn at the noon hour. Many persons prefer the light from the shaded lamps and can- dles, as being more becoming than the glare of day. The wedding-breakfast is provided by a caterer always when such a thing is possible. It may con- 72 THE BRIDE'S DRESS sist of iced or jellied bouillon, lobster cutlets, chick- en pates, a salad, with cakes, ices and coffee. This menu can be added to or elaborated, as inclination may dictate. Sweetbread pates may take the place of chicken pates. A frozen punch may take the place of the ordinary ices, and, if one wish, a game course be introduced. A heavy breakfast is, how- ever, a tedious and unnecessary affair. The bride's dress, if she be a young girl, must be white with a veil. A train is advisable, as it adds elegance and dignity to the costume. The waist is made with a high neck and long sleeves and white gloves are worn. The veil is turned back from the face and reaches to the bottom of the train where it is held in place by several pearl-headed pins. A single fold of tulle hangs over the face, being sep- arated from the main veil. This is thrown back after the ceremony. The bridegroom wears a black frock coat, gray trousers, white waistcoat, white tie, light gray or pearl gloves and patent leather shoes. His ushers dress in much the same fashion. The maid of honor wears a gown of white or very light color, with a slight train, and a picture hat, or not, as she wishes. When becoming, an en- tire costume of pale pink, with a large hat trimmed with long plumes of the same shade, is very strik- THE WEDDING RING 73 ing. The bouquet carried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with the color of her gown. Of course, the bride's bouquet will be white, and is usually composed of her favorite blossoms. The old fashion of ripping the third finger of the bride's left-hand glove, so that this finger might be slipped off for the adjusting of the ring, is no longer in vogue. Instead of this the left-hand glove is removed entirely at that part of the ceremony when the ring is placed on the bride's finger by the bridegroom. At a house wedding the guests assemble near the hour named, leave their wraps in the dressing- rooms, then wait in the drawing-room for the wed- ding. The whole parlor-floor is decorated with natural flowers, garlands of these being twisted about the balustrades, and making a bower of the room in which the marriage is to take place. If one can afford to do so, one may prefer to leave the matter of floral decorations to an experienced flor- ist, but any person with taste can successfully dec- orate the rooms. A screen of green, dotted with flowers, may stand at the end of the room in which the marriage is to be solemnized, and an arch of flowers is thrown over this. iWithin this arch the clergyman, the bridegroom and the best man may 74 THE WEDDING PROCESSION await the arrival of the wedding guests, as the wed- ding march begins. The portieres, shutting off the drawing-room from the hall, are closed when the time arrives for the bridal party to descend the stairs. As they; reach the hall the strains of the wedding march sound. One word as to the orchestra. This should be stationed at such a distance from the clergyman and bridal party that its strains will not drown the words of the service. Since Fashion decrees that music should be played during the service, it should be so soft and low that it accentuates, rather than muffles the voices of the participants in the cere- mony. Loud strains detract from the impressive- ness of the occasion, and cause a feeling of irrita- tion to the persons who would not miss a single word of the solemn service. Through the door at the opposite end of the room from that in which the bridegroom stands, enters the wedding procession. The two ushers come first, having a moment or two before marked off the aisle, by stretching two lengths of white satin ribbon from end to end of the room. Fol- lowing the ushers walks the bridesmaid alone, and, after her, on the arm of her father, comes the bride. At the improvised altar, or at the cushions RECEIVING CONGRATULATIONS 75 tipon which the bridal couple are to kneel, the ush- ers separate, one going to each side. The maid of honor moves to the left of the bride, and the father lays the bride's hand in the hand of the bridegroom, then stands a little in the rear until he gives her away, after which point in the ceremony he steps back among the guests, or at one side, apart from the bridal group. The best man stands on the bridegroom's right. It is he who gives the ring to the clergyman, who hands it to the bridegroom, who places it on the finger of the bride. When the ring is to be put on, the bride hands lier bouquet to the maid of honor, and draws off her left-hand glove, giving that also to the maid of honor, who holds both until after the benedic- tion. After congratulating the newly-wedded pair, the clergyman gives them his place, and they stand facing the company, to receive congratulations. The bride's mother should have been in the parlor to re- ceive the guests as they arrived, and during the cere- mony stands at the end of the room near the bridal party. She should be the first to congratulate the happy couple, the bridegroom's parents following those of the bride. The maid of honor stands by the bride while she receives. After congratulations have been extended, the wedding-breakfast is served at little tables placed 76 AS TO PRACTICAL JOKES about the various rooms. The bride and her party may, if desired, have a table to themselves, and upon this may be a wedding-cake, to be cut by thft bride. This is not essential and has, of late years, been largely superseded by the squares of wedding^ cake, packed in dainty boxes, one of which is handed to each guest on leaving. When the time comes for the bride to change her dress she slips quietly from the room, accom- panied by her maid of honor. The bridegroom goes to an apartment assigned to him and his best man to put on his traveling suit. Later, the maid of honor may come down and tell the bride's moth- er in an "aside" that she may now go up and bid her daughter good-by in the privacy of her own room. Afterward the young husband and wife de- scend the stairs together, say good-by in general to the guests awaiting them in the lower hall, and drive off, generally, one regrets to say, amid show- ers of rice. I would say just here that the playing of prac- tical jokes on a bridal pair is a form of pleasantry that should be confined to classes whose intellects, have not been cultivated above the appreciation of such coarse fun. To tie a white satin bow on the trunk of the so-cajled happy pair so that all pas- sengers may take note of them, is hardly kind. But THE QUIET WEDDING 'jj this is refined jesting compared to some of the deeds done. A few weeks ago the papers gave an account of a groomsman who slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride and bridegroom, then lost the key, and the embarrassed couple had to wait for' their train, chained together, until a file could be procured, by which time their train had left. Such forms of buffoonery may be diverting to the per- petrator; they certainly are not amusing to the sufferers. A girl who is to be married quietly with only relatives or intimate friends present often says, in explaining this fact, "I'm not going to have a wed- ding." The expression is not well chosen, for it inevitably suggests that the glitter of the ceremony is in her eyes more important than the solemn words which are the wedding. CHAPTER VIII THE CHURCH WEDDING THERE is about a church wedding a formality that is dispensed with at a home ceremony. The cards of invitation may be engraved in the same form as those described in the last chapter, but the church at which the marriage is to take place is men- tioned instead of the residence of the bride's parents. If in a large city where curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into the edifice, it is customary to enclose with the card of invitation a small card to be pre- sented at the door. Only bearers of these bits of pasteboard are admitted. With the invitations may- be cards for the reception or the wedding-breakfast to follow the ceremony. These cards demand ac- ceptances or regrets, which should always be ad- dressed to the mother of the bride, never to the bride-elect. '^ The decorations for a church wedding may be elaborate. As a rule, one color scheme is chosen, and carried out through all the arrangements. For 78 DUTIES OF THE USHERS 79 example, the coloring is pink and white, and if the wedding is in the autumn, chrysanthemums may be the chosen flowers, if in the summer, roses. The matter of decorations is usually put into the hands of a florist. White satin ribbon is stretched across the pews to be occupied by the members of the two families or, more courteously, large bows of it are fastened at the end of each, and to these pews the destined occupants are conducted by the ushers a^short time before the bridal party enters the edifice. A list of the persons entitled to sit in these pews should be given to the chief usher. At a large arid elaborate wedding six or eight ushers are often needed. Sometimes an usher fol- lows the older custom of giving his arm to a lady, but he may be less formal if he choose and merely precede her down the aisle. There is an equal num- ber of bridesmaids, a maid of honor and a best man. The best man, the bridegroom, and the clergyman enter the church by the vestry door, and await at the altar the coming of the bride and her attendants. The organ, which has been playing for some mo- ments, announces the arrival of the wedding party by the opening strains of the wedding march. When the carriages containing the party arrive at the church door the ushers go down the canopy- 8o THE WEDDING CEREMONY covered walk and help the girls to alight, convey them into the vestibule and close the outer doors of the church while the procession forms. Then the inside doors are thrown open and as the organ peals forth the wedding march, the procession passes up the aisle at a dignified pace, but not, let us hope, at the painfully slow gait some persons think necessary. First, come the ushers, two by two, next, the bridesmaids in pairs, then the maid of honor, walking alone, and the bride on the arm of her father, or other masculine relative if her father is not living. As the altar is reached the ushers divide, half the number going to the right, the other half to the left, then the bridesmaids do the same, passing in front of the ushers and form- ing a portion of a circle nearer the altar. The maid of honor, who is sometimes now, instead, a ma- tron of honor, stands near the bride, on her left hand, and the best man stands near the bridegroom's right. The bridegroom, stepping forward to meet the bride, takes her hand and leads her to their place in front of the clergyman, the father remain- ing standing a little in the rear of the bride and to one side until that portion of the service is reached when the clergyman asks, "Who giveth this wo- man to be married to this man?" He then takes his daughter's hand, and laying it in the hand of the bridegroom, replies, "I do." After this he steps PUTY OF THE BEST MAN 8i quietly down from the chancel and takes his place in the pew with his wife, or the other members of the family. If the bride's father is dead his place may be taken by any middle-aged man relative or family friend. During the ceremony the best man stands at the right of the bridegroom, and a trifle behind him, taking charge of his friend's hat and handing him the ring when it is needed. It is he, also, who pays the clergyman and if a register is to be signed, he signs it. The final responsibility for a ceremony without an awkward hitch rests on his shoulders and on those of the maid of honor. The maid of honor, standing near the bride, holds her bouquet and takes her glove when the ring is put on, and continues to hold them until after the benediction, which the bridal pair kneels to receive. Then the organ again sounds the wed- ding march, and the guests remain standing as the party assembled at the altar moves down the aisle. First, comes the bride on her husband's arm, then the best man and the maid of honor together, then the ushers and the bridesmaids, each girl on the arm of an usher. After that the families of the bride and bridegroom leave. The bridal party is driven directly to the home of the bride's parents, where the wedding-breakfast is served or, if a re- 82 THE ARTISTIC BRIDE ception follows the wedding, where the bride awaits the arrival of her guests. The conventional dress for the bride married in daylight is the same as for an evening wedding, a trained white gown with lace or tulle veil. The same is true of the costumes of the bridesmaids and maid of honor. These are selected by the bride. At one pink-and-white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink dresses with pink picture-hats, while the maid of honor wore a gown of palest green with hat to match, — hers being the only touch of any color but pink in the assembly, and serving to accentuate the general rose-like scheme. The bridesmaids* bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with their costumes. The bride's bouquet is always white, bride roses being favorites for this purpose. Brides with artistic natures who find white satin and orange blossoms unbecoming, sometimes arrange a softer costume that is still sufficiently bride-like to satisfy sentiment. Often little children are used as at- tendants for the bride. They precede the maid of honor and may scatter flower petals down the aisle as they go. The effect is charming. A matron of honor must wear a colored costume. At a day wedding the bridegroom wears a frock coat, light gray trousers, white waistcoat, white satin or silk tie and patent leather shoes. Of course, the only hat permissible with a frock coat GIFTS TO BRIDESMAIDS 83 is a high silk one. The gloves are white, or pale gray. The ushers' dress is the same except that their ties need not be white. At an evening wedding full dress is, of course, necessary. Then the bridegroom wears his dress suit, white waistcoat, white lawn tie and white gloves. The ushers are dressed in the same man- ner. It is customary for the bride to give her brides- maids some little gift. This may be a stick-pin or brooch bearing the intertwined initials of the bridal pair. This pin is usually worn by the recipient at the wedding. The bride and the bridegroom with the brides- maids stand together at the end of the drawing- room to receive the guests. An usher meets each guest at his, or her arrival, and offering his arm, escorts the newcomer to the bridal pair, asking for the name as he does so. This name he repeats distinctly on reaching the bride, who extends her hand in greeting, and receives congratulations. The bridegroom is then congratulated, and the guest straightway makes room for the next comer. One is often asked what should be said to the newly-married pair, — ^what form congratulations should take, and so on. Stilted phrases are at all times to be avoided, and the greeting should be as 84 DISPLAYING GIFTS simple and straightforward as possible. It is good form to wish the bride happiness, while the bride- groom is congratulated. Thus one says to the bride, "I hope you will be very happy, — and I am sure you will." And to the bridegroom one may say, — "You do not need to be told how much you are to be congratulated, for you know it already. Still I do want to say that I congratulate you from my heart." A pretty custom followed by some brides is that of turning, when half-way up the stairs, after the reception or breakfast is over, untying the ribbon fastening the bouquet together, and scattering the flowers thus released among the men waiting in the hall below. This disposes of the wedding bou- quet which one has not the heart to throw away, and yet which one can not keep satisfactorily. If gifts are displayed at a reception, it should be in an upper room, and all cards should be re- moved. The bride may keep a list of her presents and of the donors, but to display cards gives an opportunity for invidious comparisons. More and more the custom of showing gifts, except to inti- mate friends in private, is going out. The tables for the wedding-breakfast may be placed about the drawing-rooms, and the guests are seated informally at them. The only exception to THE WEDDING BREAKFAST 85 this rule is the bride's table at which the bridal party sits. As artificial lights are usually used at elaborate functions, even at high noon, pretty can- delabra are upon each table. Or, if preferred, fairy lamps may take the place of the candelabra. The menu for the wedding-breakfast may con- sist of grapefruit with Maraschino cherries, or of oyster cocktails, or of clams on the half-shell, as a first course; next, hot clam bouillon (unless clams have already been served) or chicken bouillon; fish in some form, as fish croquettes with oyster-crab sauce; sweetbread pates with green peas; broiled chicken or French chops with potato croquettes or with Parisian potatoes; punch frappe; game with salad; ices, cakes, coffee. If wines are used, cham- pagne is served with the breakfast. Slices of the wedding-cake packed in dainty satin-paper boxes are given to the guests as they leave. The breakfast over, the bride slips away quietly, to change her dress for the wedding journey, and departs as after a home wedding. ^ The guests at a wedding-breakfast must call on the mother of the bride within three weeks after the marriage. They will, of course, call on the bride on one of her "At Home" days, the dates of which are given with the wedding invitations or with the announcement cards. 86 ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS Announcement cards are issued immediately after the wedding, so must be addressed and stamped ready to be mailed at once. The text usually used is this: "Mr. and Mrs. William Edwin Bumham an- nounce the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor Fair, to Mr. John Langdon Morse, on Tuesday, the eighth of December, one thousand nine hundred and five, at St. Michael's Church, Davenport, Iowa." Another form that is sometimes seen is the fol- lowing : "Married, Wednesday, October eleventh, 1903; Florence Archer and John Staunton, 1019 Penn Street, Philadelphia." This last form is seldom used except in cases where the bride is so unfortunate as to have no relatives in whose names she may announce her marriage. With the announcement cards may be enclosed another card bearing the dates of the bride's "At Home" days, and the hotirs at which she will re- ceive. Announcement cards are usually issued aft^ a small or private wedding to which only a limited number of guests have been invited. If the wed- THE DRESS FOR A WIDOW 87 ding has been large or was followed by a large reception to which all one's calling acquaintances may be bidden, the announcement cards are un- necessary and the "At Home" cards are issued with the invitations to the marriage, or are sent out after the bride returns from her trip. The dress for a widow at her second marriage should be made of some elegant colored fabric and, she should wear a hat if the ceremony is performed in a church. There should be no attendants ex- cept the father or brother or an intimate friend. A young girl without parents and of limited in- come may quite properly be married in her travel- ing costume and with the utmost simplicity. If she have a proper sense of the delicacy and sol- emnity of the occasion she will not, however, go to the house of a strange clergyman for the cere- mony but have it performed in the parlor of her nearest friend or relative. In this way she shows her own good breeding and protects herself from any idle remarks. For a girl to join her fiance in a distant city and marry him there is a step seldom taken in wisdom, whatever the circum- stances. Notes to all who have sen? gifts must be writ- ten by the bride before she loaves home. CHAPTER IX THE DINNER PARTY THE dinner is the most important and the most delightful of social functions. It is the most civilized of entertainments, and to say of a town that it is a dinner-giving town means that it has arrived socially. This flower of hospitality blooms slowly. In many western places where the reception, the afternoon tea, the theater party and the ladies' luncheon flourish like a green bay tree, the dinner is an unknown function. A young host- ess is often afraid of attempting it, as is also the unaccustomed diner-out. Yet it is not a formidable entertainment, rightly considered, and when happily managed the return it brings far outweighs the outlay of time and trouble. ' The dinner, height of hospitality as it is, is yet within the reach of most of us as far as expendi- ture is concerned. The cost of a dinner may be much or little. The menu may be simple or elabor- ate. Five courses is enough for a dainty satisfy- ing meal, yet eighteen and twenty are sometimes 88 THE SMALL DINNER 89 served. The table decorations may be of the most expensive sort; yet a half-dozen roses and candles in keeping are sufficient to give a properly festive touch. The number of servants required depends, of course, upon the elaborateness or simplicity of the menu and upon the number of guests to be served.. The size of the dinner party is elastic, though eighteen at the table is usually regarded as the maximum. The little dinner party has the advantage of being in some ways a more attractive function than the big one, as well as one in which people of small incomes may safely indulge. When a dinner is so large that general conversation is impossible, it de- feats its own purpose. Eight guests are a good num- ber. Why it should be that ten guests are still so few as to form a little dinner party and that twelve guests undoubtedly make a big dinner party is one of those inscrutable truths that it takes some- thing more than arithmetic to explain. But so it is. If the guests are properly chosen for a small dinner there should be in the atmosphere a combina- tion of pretty formality and agreeable familiarity about this function that no other can give in so large a degree. The choice of guests is, of course, the first and 90 SENDING DINNER INVITATIONS most important consideration. Upon this more than upon any other consideration depends the suc- cess of your party. It does not do to invite people together for commercial reasons simply or from any other purely selfish motive. It does not do to go through one's list and invite people, by instalments, straight through the alphabet. The hostess must exercise all the tact and discrimination of which she is possessed. It is not always necessary that the people chosen should be friends and acquaint- ances but it is necessary that they have interests, broadly speaking, of the same sort, that they have enough in common to make a basis for easy in- formal talk. If the people chosen like one another or have the capacity for interesting and diverting one another, the hostess should feel that the weight- iest business is off her hands. Dinner invitations should be sent out at least a week before the date of the function. In places where social life is of a strenuous character and people are likely to have many engagements ahead, two weeks should be allowed. In New York and Washington, invitations for formal dinners are is- sued four weeks before the event. The invitation to a dinner should be answered immediately. As the number of guests invited in any case is small, the hostess should know as soon as possible the THE DINNER MENU gt intention of those invited, so that, in case of a. regret, she may fill the place so quickly that the person next chosen may not realize that he is an alternate. The letters R. s. v. p. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Any one who receives such a card or note is supposed to understand that an answer is expected. When the guests are selected, the invitations de- livered and the proper number of acceptances re- ceived, the hostess may then turn her attention to the other arrangements. The important matter of deciding upon the menu is next in order. If the hostess has an admirably trained cook or is in a. position to engage an expert cateress, a consulta- tion with one or the other settles the affair. la case she has not the one and is not financially able to engage the other, she must depend upon her own resources. She must select a menu which she and her maid can together carry out successfully. The composition of a dinner menu is an employ- ment that gives scope for talent and originality. The range of possible dishes is large, the variety in ,the way of combination inexhaustible. To plan a. dinner that is at once palatable and pleasing to the eye requires no mean ability. To a woman who- has a genius for culinary feats, this sort of accom- plishment may be an exercise of the artistic facul- ^2 ROUND OR SQUARE TABLES ties ; and the effect produced upon the partakers of the feast goes far beyond mere physical satisfac- tion. If one is in the habit of studying cook-books, "which make more interesting reading than they are ;generally given credit for, the opportunity afforded by a dinner party for the display of one's knowl- edge should be as eagerly welcomed as the oppor- tunity offered a violinist for the exhibition of his art. Novelties are to be indulged in sparingly. ■Queer highly-colored dishes make the guests nerv- ous as to the hygienic results. Sometimes fashion decrees that a square or ob- long table is the appropriate form. Again she approves the round table. At the present time the round table has the preference and, as far as the present writer can see, with reason. The round table puts all the diners on, an equal footing in- stead of establishing a sometimes embarrassing dis- tinction between guests and hosts. Its use makes it possible for each guest to have a good view of every other guest and this promotes general con- versation. Added to these merits is another of importance, namely, that a round table is more sus- ceptible of attractive decoration. Many people who employ a square table for fam- ily use, employ on formal occasions a round top, capable of seating twelve or fourteen people, which THE SILVER AND CHINA 93 top can be placed above the table commonly in use. This top when not in use folds together on hinge& in the center. On occasion it can be clamped to the table in ordinary so that it holds perfectly firm.. One should not ask more guests than the table will roomily accommodate. A woman guest will often be glad of a footstool. On the morning of the dinner the silver and china necessary should be looked over and later in the day properly placed. The table should be ar- ranged with cloth, the napkins, the various knives, forks and spoons, the flowers, the candles, and the service plates, if such are used. The china to be employed for the various courses should be placed,, before the dinner, in the butler's pantry in a way to promote, as far as possible, swift and deft serv- ice with the maid. She should be instructed ex- actly where she can lay her hands on the dishes for each item in the menu so that her attendance may be expert and noiseless. For her benefit it is well also to make out in good legible writings the menu for the meal and hang it in the kitchen in full view of her and any other servants employed for the occasion. In giving a dinner nothing should be left to chance. Every emergency should be ta- ken into consideration and planned for. In small ^4 FLOWERS AND CANDLES households where only one maid is employed, a :trained waitress may be hired at small expense to .help serve. The flowers to be used should have some rela- tion to the color of the candles if candles are used. A few flowers skilfully arranged are sometimes <[uite as effective as a profusion. A clear glass jar which shows stems and leaves as well as blooms is a good investment for the woman whose love of beauty goes further than her ability to pay. The importance of foliage is not always appreciated. One of the cleverest minor inventions for making a few blossoms appear to their best advantage is -the cross-bar of wire which one finds now in the shops, in various sizes and fitted to the tops of various ornamental vases. By the use of this de- T^ice each flower stands out in individual beauty. The effect of no single blossom is lost. Avoid a centerpiece that is so high as to ob- struct the view across the table. The table-cloth and napkins should be of pure -white and of the finest napery that one can afford. Silk and lace contraptions that will not stand wash- ing are in bad taste. The table-cloth is not starched and preferably is never folded by the laundress but Tolled so that when used it shows no creases ex- cept one down the center. First on the table is LAYING THE TABLE 95 laid a heavy felt cloth known as the silence cloth, which, besides deadening sounds, serves to make the damask lie more smoothly and gives it a richer, handsomer appearance than if it were spread on the bare boards. If the game or joints are to be served from the table, a carver's square should be laid at the head of the table and beneath it a thick: mat for the protection of the table surface. Be- side this square are laid the carving knife and fork, a table spoon and a gravy ladle. At each guest's place, is set a "service plate," insisted on by the punctilious who choose to obey the unwritten rule of hospitality that a guest once seated is never with- out a plate. This plate is exchanged by the wait- ress for the one bearing the food when it is served. To the left of this plate will be arranged the forks, tines upward. These will ordinarily consist of two- large forks for the main meat course and the salad, then a third fork for the fish and outside of these a small oyster fork if there is to be a course of raw oysters. At the right of the plate will be two. dinner knives with the edges of the blades turned, toward the plate, a fish knife, and the spoons, in- cluding first a small spoon for the after-dinner cof- fee. The spoon that will be used first is placed on the outside for obvious reasons. The soup spoort with the bowl uppermost will be placed either at right angles to the knives or from right to left bade 96 THE SKILFUL MAID of the plate. The water glass and the glasses for wine, if these are used, stand to the right and back, a little beyond the knives. As butter is not served at formal dinners the bread and butter plate and butter spreader are omitted. The folded napkin containing the dinner roll is laid to the right of the knives or on the service plate. Fancy foldings of the napkin are not approved. When the waitress hands a dish from which the guest must serve himself she offers it on the left so that he may use his right hand freely. However, Tvhenshe puts a plate before him, she should do it from the right. Many hostesses decree that on ■clearing the table, the large meat and vegetable •dishes should be taken first and the soiled plates last. A reversal of this procedure would seem to be an improvement as the untidy plates are the least sightly things about the table. If the maid is skilful she will notice whether any guest has by chance already used the spoons or other silver required for the desert course and supply those without a request being made. In clearing the table the maid must not stack the dishes. She should take a plate in each hand and no more. Avoid using heavily scented flowers on a dinner table. THE FRUIT CENTERPIECE 97 Menu cards do not belong in private houses. They have the somewhat vulgar effect of laying too much stress on the food. The ideal dinner is, indeed, a delightful repast, but it should be first of all what has been wittily described as "a feast of reason and a regular freshet of soul." A fruit centerpiece is not often seen but it is handsome. A large silver plate or basket heaped with pink and white winter grapes or even with rosy apples and "glove" oranges is most effective. If candles are used these should be kept on ice until near the dinner hour, then lighted and the wicks cut, to prevent smoking and dripping. Many persons who like to put shades on their candles have difficulty in preventing them from catching fire. It is worth knowing that this is more likely to occur when the holders are fitted to the top of the candle than where they clasp it below the heated part. When a dessert dish is placed on a larger plate, or a finger-bowl is set before the guest, a small lace paper mat may be laid between plate and dish. If the dining-room floor is of hard wood rubber tips may be bought at any department store and put on the chair-legs to prevent the noise of scrap- ing. 98 THE TEMPERATURE OF WINES The table should be carefully set so that the centerpiece is exactly in the center and the guests' places precisely opposite each other. ' As a rule the china used throughout a dinner exactly matches, but if a hostess prefers she may use different sets for different courses. In serving soup be careful not to give too much. A half ladleful is an "elegant sufficiency." If a dinner is very formal and several wines are to be served, it is correct to use white wine with the fish, sherry with the soup, claret with the roast and champagne or Burgundy with the game. The white wine, sherry and champagne should be kept cold ; champagne, indeed, should be very cold and is served from a bottle wrapped in a napkin. Claret and Burgundy are most agreeable at a tempera- ture of about seventy. AH these wines are served from the bottle except claret and sherry, which are usually decanted, that is to say, they are poured from the original bottle into a cut-glass bottle or decanter intended especially for table use. Much of the success of a dinner depends upon the serving. A well-trained maid or man is in- dispensable, and it is not to be denied that the training, for this purpose, of the average servant to be found in the West is difficult. But with pa- THE HOUR FOR DINNER 99 tience it can be done. If one is in the habit, as. one should be, of insisting that the home dinner be served with proper formality, the extra duties- involved in the service of a larger number of people and of a greater range of dishes need not be viewed with terror. If there are ten or twelve guests the services of two maids or men become necessary, lest the por- tions on the plates become cold before the sauces and vegetables that are to accompany them can be passed. For elaborate dinners the rule is one waiter to every three guests. In punctilious households the unwritten law that a guest should never be without a plate before him is observed, and this is known as the service or place plate. At an informal meal this plate may be dispensed with. A maid should be taught to move quietly, to keep her eyes and thoughts on what she is. doing, and in an emergency to go directly to her mistress for a quiet word of in- struction. It is particularly important that the do- mestic in the kitchen should also be as quiet as possible in her movements. Nothing is more an- noying during a dinner conversation than a crash of crockery in the culinary regions. As a rule dinner is served in most American cities at seven o'clock. In New York, however. aoo SAYING GRACE where long distance makes it difficult for men to Teach home, dress for the evening and arrive at ^ny stated place, eight o'clock is frequently the hour. In not a few houses the fine old fashion of saying grace is still observed and the guest should carefully watch his hostess for a cue as to how to conduct himself. A young woman who hap- pened to be visiting in one of the older New Eng- land families chanced to take her first meal at the dinner hour. After a moment's pause she was asked by her hostess to start the meal, and with best intentions she did so by passing a bread plate near her. To her dismay she afterward learned that she had been expected to say grace. Of course, ■such an incident could occur only at an informal -dinner, but it serves to bring up the point that many a hostess embarrasses a guest by directly -asking him to perform this service which a natural timidity or his being unaccustomed to it may make an ordeal for him. If a clergyman is present, re- spect to his position, whatever one's own religious convictions or want of them, demands that he be asked to say grace. At informal dinners the roast may be carved at the table if the hostess prefers this plan and if the host can be persuaded to do the carving and WHO IS SERVED FIRST lOt is able to do it skilfully and quietly. This plarij^ which is English in its origin, seems more hos- pitable in a way than the more formal custom of serving everything from side-tables, a la Russe.. Undoubtedly there is a flavor of the hotel and restaurant about the Russian style that is less agree- able, though simpler and more expeditious. It may- be remarked, however, that while it is of first im- portance that a dinner service should move promptly and that it should not at the outside take up more than two hours, anything that actually suggests, haste is contrary to the spirit of the occasion. When the meats are carved at the table the: vegetables should be passed by the maid, as the guests may have a choice. For the person at th& head of the table to serve both meat and vegetables, is permissible only at a family dinner. In some households the host or hostess makes a specialty of salad dressing, and this course, also, is served at the table. As the salad bowl may be so arranged as to present a beautiful, as well as a delicious sight,. the custom has more than one reason to recom- mend it. As to who is served first there has been con- siderable discussion. The plan has recently come- into favor in some houses to hand the first plate in each instance to the hostess in the thought that I02 DRESS OF BUTLER AND MAID if there is anything wrong with the dish she may detect it before the guests are served. The usual plan, however, is to serve first the lady sitting at the host's right hand, then all the other ladies, and lastly the men. Or, if two maids are serving, one may take one side of the table and one the other. The maid should hand the dishes on the left side of the guest. A clever maid can wait on eight people, provided the dinner is not too elaborate. The dress of a maid waiting at dinner should te in winter of a plain black stuff, in summer of plain white. Over this is worn a white bib apron "with bands going over the shoulders. The skirt of the apron should be large so that the front of the dress is protected. A plain white collar and white cuffs and a white cap without strings or crown complete this costume. No ornaments of any sort are permissible. A butler should wear the ordinary dress suit with a white tie. It is a matter of wonder to the thoughtful why society has not yet found a way to clothe her butlers and waiters in some manner that shall prevent strangers from taking them for guests, but as yet no such way seems to have been iound. In default of a butler many families keep Tvhat is known as a house-man, who performs the duties of both butler and footman; that is to say. WHAT TO WEAR AT DINNER 103 he opens the door and also assists at table. Such a servant has a white linen jacket and dark trou- sers, though some women who have negro house- men and a taste for the picturesque prefer that they shall wear dark colored coats with brass but- tons and a scarlet or other bright colored waist- coat. While one sees in certain nice houses white gloves on the hands of a house-man when he is waiting at table, the best taste is against their use, as they undeniably suggest that they are worn to- hide dirty hands. At formal dinners a woman is expected to wear a dress cut moderately low in the neck, while for men what is known as evening dress is imperative. Sometimes an invitation contains the word "in- formal," but unless one has explicit direction to the contrary, no departure should be made from the usual method of dressing. When a dinner is hastily arranged for an out- of-town guest, who is perhaps passing through the city for the day only, or for some distinguished man or woman on a tour of lectures, the hostess; may particularly request the guests not to wear evening clothes out of consideration for the guest of honor who, not expecting any social courtesies, is not prepared so to dress himself. In such cases the men will wear their day clothes, though 2. I04 THE DINNER COAT woman is always privileged to make her evening toilet somewhat more dainty and elaborate than her •daytime one. Not to appear in one's best when the occasion is suited to happy raiment is to do both one's self and the occasion an injustice. Most people are at their best when they have the con- sciousness of being attractively attired, and one may be sure that the hostess always appreciates any effort made by her guests toward increasing the charm of the social picture which she has com- posed. A dark or dowdy dress is an ugly note in such a group and reveals in the woman who causes it an insufficient sense of the compliment that has been extended to her. The dinner coat, or Tuxedo, was designed to be worn only on the most informal occasions, though there is a tendency to widen its field of usefulness. The theory is that it should never be worn where there are ladies, but the modern practise has broken the theory down so that at small dinners, the theater, dub affairs, etc., the dinner coat is worn -by men who give the subject of dress intelligent considera- tion. With the dinner coat a black silk string tie should be worn ; this the wearer should tie in a bow, tightly drawn at the center. Gray ties have been nirged by the fashion makers, but they are not so ^ood as the black. The white lawn tie should never THE LOW-CUT GOWN 105 be worn with the dinner coat. Gold studs and gold link cuff buttons, or the newer dark enamel should be used, in shirts of plaits or tucks of various widths. These softer styles of shirts are now in high favor and are a sensible and proper innovation. Extremes of styles should be avoided, and many men of conservative tastes still wear the stiff plain linen or pique bosoms. A black waistcoat of the same material as the coat is preferable to the fancier forms. It is gratif3Hing to note that in the best houses neither the hostess nor any woman guest is seen to appear with a dress improperly low. A woman, not long used to the better social circle into which she married, was once invited to meet an actress at a private dinner party. To the amazement and distress of her hostess she appeared in a gown that evidently carried out her idea of what is "Bo- hemian." She had quite clearly been determined not to be outdone by the actress. To her chagrin she found this woman in a gown much higher than her own and wholly modest in every particular. To govern one's dress or conduct in society by any notion of outdoing some one else is an indica- tion of the parvenu and likely to meet with diie results. Those who entertain often soon learn to discrim- io6 THE DINNER PROCESSION inate between the guest whose presence helps to make a dinner a success and one who is an undi- gested lump in the social leaven. The desirable guest is not necessarily a wit or a beauty but she comes with a glad mind and heart, arrayed in her prettiest and with the sincere intention of trying to give pleasure. She realizes the compliment of her invitation and that it can not be acknowledged merely by extending a similar one. She must, as some one recently put it, "pay her scat" before she leaves the house. If her dearest enemy is pres- ent nothing in her manner will betray that fact to the hostess. The meal should be announced by the servant in charge opening the door or doors leading into the dining-room and saying, "Dinner is served." It saves confusion even at a small dinner to mark the places at table by cards inscribed with the appropriate name, but this is not obligatory. The host, with the lady who is to sit at his right, is the first to leave the drawing-room. The order of the other couples does not matter, except that the hostess, with the man who is to sit at her right, leaves last. The places of honor are those at the right of the host and the hostess. If the President were a guest, the hostess would lead the way to the dining-room with him, the President's wife coming immediately after with the host. If two la- ARRIVING AT A DINNER 107 dies are entertaining, one must play the part of host. At very large and formal dinners trays on which are small envelopes are placed in the men's dressing' room, each envelope bearing the name of the woman the guest to whom it is addressed is to take in, and indicating by the letter L. or R. in the corner of the card on which side the two will sit. A dinner party demands that the guest be not more than ten minutes early, and ordinarily not a half -minute behind the time mentioned in the invitation. In large cities, however, on account of the great distances, ten or fifteen minutes' grace is allowed. After that interval has passed, the host- ess — or her butler if she have one — should see that the cover laid for this person is removed, and the usual announcement made that "Dinner is served." The servant at the door directs the women to their dressing-room, the men to theirs. In the dressing- room the women leave their wraps, but do not re- move their gloves. Each woman, accompanied by her escort, descends to the drawing-room, greets the hosts, and the man who is to take her out to dinner is then introduced to her. Where there are many courses a guest may, if he wish, sometimes decline one or more of these. He may also show by a gesture that he will not io8 WHEN DINNER IS OVER take wine, or, if his glasses are filled, he may sim- ply lift them to his lips, taste the contents, then drink no more. As a glass will be filled as soon as emptied, the guest may say in a low voice, "No more, please!" when he has had enough. None of these refusals should be so marked as to attract the attention of his entertainers. A wine-glass should never be turned down. After the ladies have removed their gloves and the dinner-roll or slice of bread has been taken from the folded napkin and the napkin laid in the lap, the dinner conducts itself. The chapter headed "At Table" will answer any doubtful questions as to the manner of eating at home or abroad. After the dinner is ended, the hostess gives a slight signal, or makes the move to rise. The gen- tlemen stand while the ladies pass out of the room, then sit down again for their cigars, coffee and liquors. The chairs, on rising from a dinner-table, should not be pushed back in place. Coffee and cordials are served to the ladies in the drawing- room, where they are soon joined by the gen- tlemen. When the time for departure approaches it is the place of the woman who goes first to rise, mo- tion to her husband, and then as soon as she and he have said good night to the host and hostess. SAYING GOOD NIGHT 109 tiiey bow to the other guests, and retire to the dressing-rooms. After this they go directly from the house, not entering the drawing-room again. If there are guests of honor they should be the first to go. In saying good night it is perfectly proper, ex- tremists to the contrary notwithstanding, to thank the entertainers for a pleasant evening. Such thanks need not be profuse, but may be simply — "Good night, and many thanks for a delightful eve- ning!'" or "It is hard to leave, we have had such a pleasant time!" One need never be afraid to let one's hosts know that the time spent in their presence has passed delightfully. Given well-prepared food, whether simple or elaborate, proper service, a room not too warm and a current of fresh air that does not blow on any one, guests sympathetically chosen, the dinner can not fail to be a success. A young married belle of a western city who was visiting in a smart New York set was asked at her first dinner what people in the West did for after-dinner entertain- ment. "They talk," she said. The people present looked at her as if they thought that a dull way of spending the time, and to a query of hers re- garding their methods of entertainment, replied no THE SUCCESSFUL DINNER that they usiwUy "had in" a professional or pro- fessionals of some sort for the amusement of the guests after the eating and drinking were over. To her taste this indicated an unenviable mental poverty, as it will to most sensible people. The be^t flavor of a successful dinner party lies not in the food, however grateful that may be to the pal- ate, but in the talk. A dinner is the entertainment at which sprightly natural talk counts for the most ; and this is probably the reason that the world over the dinner is considered the most elegant and dis- tinguished form of entertainment. CHAPTER X THE EDUCATION OF A YOUNG GIRL IS IT a good thing to send a young girl away to school, and, if so, shall one send her to board- ing-school or college? are the questions that agitate many a household where the daughter or daughters are old enough to make these questions pertinent. Over-conscientious and fearful mothers sometimes decide that the risk is too great in sending girls away from home. They fear, with the loosening of home ties, a lessening of a sense of responsibility, while at the same time they doubt a girl's power to get on without maternal supervision. The judg- ment and experience of the world is against this point of view. "Homekeeping youths have ever homekeeping wits," is no more true of boys than of girls. Going away to school should be one of the richly vitalizing influences of life. To a certain extent a girl is thrown on her own resources when away as she would not be at home, yet the con- ditions in any school worthy of the name are such that she is guarded and protected. At home, her III 112 WHAT SCHOOL TO CHOOSE friendships and acquaintances have been made largely through the connection of her family with the community in which she lives. Away, she must make her own friends. At home, it is probable that mother, older sister or a kindly aunt have done her darning and other mending. Away, she must do these things for herself or they remain undone. In many ways the opportunity is given her by a year or two away at school to prove herself, yet to do so without danger, as the amateur swordsman fences with a button on his foil. Outside of these considerations one of the most important is the de- velopment that comes through delight in change. Novel conditions have charm for all ages, and in youth, much more than in age, they are a spur to endeavor. Ha'ppiness of a healthful kind stimu- lates the mind, and it is commonly true that the years spent away at school are pleasant ones. The advocates of the different sorts of training represented by boarding-school and college life are often hostile to each other. There is much to be said in favor of both educational methods, and the decision concerning which shall be adopted for a young girl should depend largely upon her own temperament, tastes and inclinations. The advo cates of college life are too apt to assume that the texture of boarding-school learning is flimsy, which THE BOARDING-SCHOOL 1 1 3 it sometimes is. The friends of boarding-school life assume that a college training means an ab- sence of regard for the feminine graces; and it is true that some of its representatives are not social successes. But such comment goes a short way in helping one to a decision as to whether boarding- school or college shall be the destination of one's daughter. The character of the girls* colleges in our coun- try is much more generally known than that of boarding-schools. The colleges are few in num- ber, and to their proceedings is given a degree of publicity not accorded the proceedings of smaller educational enterprises. There are boarding-schools and boarding-schools. Investigation can not be too careful before placing a girl in one of them. The best offer advantages of an admirable kind. The courses of study, while not so diverse as those of college, are particularly adapted to feminine tastes, while the accomplishments which tend to make so- cial life more interesting and agreeable are given a large share of attention. History, literature, the modern languages, music and drawing have per- haps the foremost places in the curriculum. Many of these schools are in cities where opportunities are given, under proper chaperonage, for girls to see the best theatrical performances and to hear concerts of value. In these schools girls come into 114 THE WOMAN'S COLLEGE more intimate relations with their teachers than is possible in a college, and they are also much more strictly chaperoned. Matters of form and deport- ment, details of manner, so far as they can be taught, are given thought and attention often with happy results. One may say that a girl should learn these things at home, but sometimes her surroundings there are not favorable and again she needs the im- petus of just such criticism as she receives at a good boarding-school to make her aware of the value of form. The aim of a good boarding-school is to make of a girl an attractive member of society as well as to make her mentally appreciative. The stamp of certain admirable boarding-schools upon the manners of the women who have attended them is unmistakable. I once heard a man say that he could always "spot" a pupil of Miss Porter's famous Farmington School within half an hour after intro- duction, by certain delicate formalities in her man- ner. A woman's college offers a much wider sphere for a girl's energies and abilities than does boarding- school. If she loves study, is fond of athletics and is interested widely in human nature, college is the place for her. Here she has a chance for the de- velopment of her best mental powers. Deportment is not one of the unwritten branches of the curricu- WELL-KNOWN COLLEGES 115 ium as it is in the girls' boarding-school. Never- theless it is taught by the social preeminence of those who bring the best breeding with them. Though the surveillance is not what it is in board- ing-schools, it is not so necessary, because the girls are somewhat older than those in boarding-schools and because the sentiment of the students generally is for law and order. The best-known girls' colleges in the United States are situated in the country, and the oppor- tunity thus given for sport and for a healthy appre- ciation of nature is an invaluable asset for those in- stitutions. At no time in life is the love of beauty at once so delicate and so keen as in those years when one is eligible to college life. To foster this perhaps latent appreciation by a direct contact with the beauties of nature is one of the opportunities offered by Bryn Mawr, Vassar, Wellesley, Smith and other well-known women's colleges. The three or four years in college among a hun- dred or more other girls often form one of the happiest and most fruitful periods of a girl's life. She makes interesting and valuable friendships. Often her knowledge of the world is broadened by visits paid to her schoolmates in vacation time. The advantages she derives from properly directed study are great; the advantages in other directions are possibly even greater. A woman's college is a little ii6 TRAVEL AS EDUCATION world in which every variety of femininity may be observed. The life there gives opportunity for the development of the most diverse talents. Any sort of capability eventually finds scope for action in college life. The serious side and the recreative side of life find expression there. A girl who lends herself freely to the opportunities of a college should quit its doors prepared for social and domestic life and able also to take care of herself financially if exigencies require. The comparative cost of college and boarding- school is often an important point in the matter of deciding a girl's educational destination. The best boarding-schools are more expensive than the col- leges as far as formal expenditure is concerned. A girl's personal expenses, though they are regulated in some boarding-schools, are in college and at most boarding-schools what she and the family council choose to make them. If college and boarding-school exercise a bene- ficial influence upon the development of a girl's mind and manners, travel is a happy third in the list. Unfortunately travel is an expensive luxury. If, however, the financial circumstances of a girl's parents are such that she may travel for six months or a year after her schooling is over, this puts the ACQUIRING ACCOMPLISHMENTS 117 finishing touch upon her educational opportunities. Travel is the easiest, the quickest and the most de- lightful manner of gaining knowledge in the world, while, at the same time, it is what study is not al- ways, an encouragement to social facility. The young girl must be educated at home as well as away from home. The foundation for such ac- complishments as she has a preference for must be laid there and she must prepare there, in however slight a way, for the responsibilities that may rest upon her shoulders when she has a house of her own. For her own training, as well as the relief of her mother, every girl should assume some house- hold duty or duties. But these, unless necessity commands, should not be severe, and occasional lax- ity in performance should not be dealt with harsh- ly. Young girlhood is a growing time and a dream- ing time ; and a too stern insistence upon household duties sometimes blights important capabilities of mind and body. It was an old-fashioned idea that every girl should be equipped with an accomplishment, should cultivate some definite ability to please. The idea was much abused, and resulted in the torture of many innocent persons who were compelled to look at crude sketches, to admire grotesque embroideries and to listen to mediocre performances on the pi- ii8 THE DILETTANTE ano. But there was at the bottom of the idea some- thing sound and wholesome. It is vitally important that women should please, should help to make the wheels of life go easily. That was not an ignoble epitaph discovered on an old tombstone in an Eng- lish churchyard, "She was so pleasant." Perhaps in the matter of education we are now swinging too far away from the old-fashioned ideal and are too much inclined to regard as trifling a young girl's special efforts to please. Do we not somewhat puri- tanically regard the studies one does not like as nec- essarily more efficacious than those pursued with joy? Drawing, music, the modern languages, the art of reciting or conversation — we speak of these usu- ally not only as secondary in importance to the study of Greek, Latin and mathematics, but as involving little in the way of labor, while the truth is that the pursuit of these subjects not only involves endless labor but a labor that in the end unveils personality and individuality, and makes for original interpre- tation of life to a degree far exceeding results from the so-called severer branches. The theory is generally disseminated that those studies which give most pleasure to one's self and to others when actually transformed into accom- plishments are easy of attainment and demand only the careless and dilettante touch. The elders as well THOROUGHNESS NECESSARY 119 as the youth are much impregnated with this idea. Let a girl understand when she begins to study drawing, the violin, the pianoforte or the art of singing that no success is possible without hard work, that the privilege of lessons will be with- drawn if she does not put effort and determination into her work, and results of a correspondingly good character may be forthcoming. For the happiness of themselves and their friends, it is well that young girls should pursue any accom- plishment toward which they may have a leaning. Certainly such a pursuit, if entered into with delica- cy and vivacity, must increase the sweetness of life by adding to one's sense of beauty ;■ and it is never trite to say that a thing of beauty is a joy forever. Pursuit of an accomplishment does not always mean possession, but where it does, even measur- ably, it means also the power of imparting pleasure to one's friends, and pleasure that is touched upon and mingled with one's own individuality. In a day when wealth counts for so much in relation to the bestowal of pleasure, one can scarcely overesti- mate for those who do not have wealth the value of the personal touch in the entertainment of one's friends. CHAPTER XI THE of BUTANTE A CLEVER young girl, when asked by an ac- quaintance if she had "come out" yet, an- swered, "I didn't come out. I just leaked out." Doubtless this states the case, in a somewhat slangy manner, for a large number of young women who, gradually and without any set function to serve as introduction, take their places in society. Even for them, however, the year following the close of school duties marks a change in their relation to the social world, while the distinction is much empha- sized in the case of young girls to whom the affairs of balls, receptions, teas and calls are a novelty. The date of a girl's formal entrance into the larger world marks her individual recognition in that world. Before this time she has been a person without social responsibility, not accountable in the social sense. She has been considered in relation to her family, perhaps. Now she stands for herself. She is an object of some curiosity to the public, and the pleasures and duties to which she falls heir de- serve some special mention. 120 THE AGE OF A DfeBUTANTE i2r The age at which a girl makes her formal ap- pearance on the scene of society varies in different places and with varying conditions. It is rarely un> der eighteen, seldom over twenty-two, the first be- ing the age at which a girl not desirous of extended education escapes, usually, from the schoolroom,, the second being the average age of graduation for the college girl. A girl younger than eighteen is commonly too immature to be considered an inter- esting member of society, and a certain degree of absurdity attaches to the idea of introducing to the world a girl older than the age last mentioned. The special function by which a young woman's family signalizes her entrance to society varies little in different places. In many cities the custom is for the family of the debutante and also for the friends of the family to give some entertainment in her honor. A dinner, a luncheon, a tea, a ball — any one of these festivities is a proper manner of an- nouncing one's interest in the new member of so- ciety and of emphasizing her arrival. Everything should" be done to facilitate for her an extension of acquaintance among those whom it is desirable she should know. It is said that a number of years ago when telephones were a lux- ury instead of being, as now, a necessity, in southern cities, the advent of the debutante in a house meant 122 THE DEBUTANTE'S WARDROBE always the addition of a name to the telephone di- rectory. This is a somewhat extravagant and florid comment on the idea advanced. But it will serve as an illustration. Particularly is it desirable that the debutante should become acquainted with the older members of the society in which she moves. She is now not only a part of the particular set to which her age assigns her ; she is also a part of that larger society to which many ages belong. Her attitude on this question distinguishes her as well-bred or ill-bred. There is nothing more crass and crude than the young girl who has no eyes or ears for anybody out of the particular set of young people to which she belongs. It is the mark of the plebeian. The clothes of the debutante are a matter of im- portance and her wardrobe should be carefully planned. It is natural that she should wish to look pretty and, as youth itself makes for beauty, given good health and the usual number of features prop- erly distributed, there is no reason why she should not so appear, if some discretion be exercised in the selection of her clothes. It does not lie within the province of this book to stipulate in detail concern- ing the outfit necessary for this happy result. The purpose of this paragraph is to insist on simplicity of style in the gowns chosen for a girl's first year in society. Elaborate styles and heavy materials are THE SECOND SEASON 123 opposed to the quality of a young girl's beauty. They kill the loveliness which it is their object to bring out. All her clothes should be made without perceptible elaboration. In ball gowns she should be careful to select light, diaphanous materials, — materials that she can wear at no other time of life to such advantage. Of party gowns she should have a number. Three or four frocks of thin in- expensive materials are far better, if a choice be necessary, than one heavy silk or satin. They are more becoming and the number of them guaran- tees to their owner perfect freshness and daintiness of appearance. A soiled, bedraggled ball gown is a sorry sight on anybody. It looks particularly ill on a young person whose age entitles her to be com- pared to lilies and roses. If the truth be told, despite the gaiety and the novelty of a girl's first year in society, it is not usual- ly so pleasant a year as her second. She has much to learn, and it is the exceptional girl who does not feel a little awkward in her new position. She is prone to exaggerate the importance of small social blunders, and trifles, light as air, occupy a dispro- portionate place in her horizon. A certain timidity, the result of her unaccustomed position, is charac- teristic of her. This timidity shows itself either in a stiffness that modifies considerably her proper 124 LOSING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS charm, or in an unnatural bravado of manner, the reverse of pleasing. "Why are you so down on de- butantes?" — ^the writer of this chapter asked of an accomplished young society man. "Because they think it's clever to be rude," was the answer. The