CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY Cornell University Library PN 6161.L81S9 1893 Struggles social financial and politic 3 1924 027 146 293 The original of tiiis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027146293 D flVlD ROSS I QCKE \ TEW EDITION (PETROLEU M V. NASBY) I M « , oFHIS JgQQKS For the genius to write like U^asby I would gladly give up my office HANNAH JANE A Poem Illustrated by S. G. McCurrHEON and E. H. Garrett Cloth, full gilt and gilt edges, $1-50; THE STRUGGLES (SOCIAL FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL) OF PETROLEUM V. NASBY fometime pastor of the " Church uv the Slawtered Innocents '' (Latt St. Vallandigum) , Wingert's Comers, Ohio, and of the " Church uv the Noo Dispensashun," Saint's Rest, New Jersey: " Perfesser uv Biblikle Polity in the Southern Militaiy and Classikle Institoot," and late Postmaster at Confederit X Roads, wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky Embracing his Trials and Troubles, Ups and Downs, Rejoicings and Wailings; Likewise his Views of Men and Things, together with the Lectures, " Cussed be Canaan," " The Struggles of a Coilservative with the Woman Question," and " In Search of the Man of Sin," with an Introduction by Hon, Charles Sumner Illustrated by Thomas Nast Octavo cloth 715 pp. Price, $2.50 THE MORALS OF ABOU BEN ADHEM Eastern Fruit on Western Dishes Cloth $1.00; paper 50 cents A PAPER CITY A Novel Cloth $r.oo: paper 50 cents SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE By Petroleum V. Nasbv, Lait Pastor of the Church of the New Dispensa- tion, Chaplain to his Excellency the President, and P.M. at Confederate x Roads, Kentucky His ideas of Men, Politics, and Things, as set forth in his tetters to the public press Illustrated by Thomas Nast Cloth $1.00; paper 50 cents EKKOES FROM KENTUCKY By Petroleum V. Nasbv, P.M. at Confederit X Roads (wicb is in the State of Kentucky) and Perfesser uv Biblikle Polity in the Southern Military and Classikle Institoot Bein a Perfect Record uv the Uses, Doins, and Experiences uv the Democracy, cz seen by a Naturalized Kentuckian Illustrated by Thomas Nast Cloth $1.00; paper 50 cents NASBY IN EXILE Or, Six Months of Travel in England, Ireland, Scotland, France, Germany Switzeriand, and Belgium; with many things not of Travel Profuse!' illustrated Cloth 8vo 672 pages $2.50 Sold by all bookstllers, and sent by mall, postpaid, on rtoelpt of priat LEE AND SHEPA.UD Fnblishers Boston Icgj./fr THE STRUGGLES (SOCIAL, FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL) Petroleum V. Nasbt, - p -t. E. LOCKE, In the Office of the Irlhiarian of Congress, at Wsflhington. 110 Y DEDIKASHUN. MAN, WHOEVES HE MAY BE, WHO SUCCEEDS IN BEIN ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCr BY THE DIMOCRATIC FABTY, AND WHO SHALL, IMMEJITLY AFTER HIS dOGOEBASHUN, AFFINT UE TO THE POST OfFIS, FROM WICH THE TYRANT ORANT DISMI8T ME, THUS A8URIN AN OLD DIMOCRAT, WHO NEVER SCRATCHED A TICKET, AND ALLUZ TOOK HIS LIKKER 8TRATE, A COMFORTABLE END TO AN UNCOMFORTABLE CAREER, THIS VOLXTME IS DBDrBLA-TED, BY THE AUTHOR, WITH SEmCIMENCE OF FROFOUND RESPECT, PETROLEUM V. NASBY. COHFEDBIT X SOADS (wleb is in the Stait uv Kentnd?), AprH 15, 18?2. PREFIS. Uv the makin uv books there is no end. The press per- petooally groans with a burden uv literatoor, and is bein per- petooally delivered, sometimes to the advantage uv the world, and sometimes vicy versy. I spose, ef I hed consulted the literary men uv this country (wich I didn't), they wood hev sed to me, " Don't publish this book ; there's reely no okka- shun for it ! " There isn't ? Did the capchus adviser see the state uv my pants ? Did he observe the wreckt condishun of my boots ? Is he aware that I am in arrears for board ? Not publish my book ! Kin I so far forget my dooty to humanity ? Its publikashen will at least do one suffrin man good, and that's more than half uv the writers kin say. What recks it that that one is me ? Wat posterity will say, I don't know ; neither do I care. I ain't labrin for posterity ; neither did my father, else I hed bin better off. Posterity may assign me a niche in the temple uv massive intellex, or may not ; it's all one to the sub- scriber. I woodn't give a ten-cent postal currencj' for wat the next generashen will do for me. It's this generashen I'm goin for. So much for Buckinham ! I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past twelve years, and the standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we 7 8 PREFIS. hev bin the mark-uv every writer, ever}- orator, ez well ez nv every egg-thrower, in the coimtry. When that gileless patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern breth- rin made for their rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars ! there were laws agin treason, and two thirds uv the misguided people North hed got into a way uv thinkin that the DimOcrasy South had committed that crime, and they intimated tliat ef we overstepped the line that divides loyailty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer: wich they did religiously. I, alone, hev suffered enuff for several families uv (nartyrs. But I anticipate, Twict doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich drencht this happy land in goar, I wuz drafted into a service I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin ailong well enough, even ef the wiffe uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give ine sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children, — twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to desert to the DimocriSy uv the South, rather than fite agin em. When, finally, the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb wuz allso accidentally aicross the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty, and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins — the ridin upon rails — the takin uv the PREFIS. 9 oath — but why shood I harrow up the puMic buzzum? 1 stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, with modesty forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv raw, undilootid water ! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The oath give toe inflamaSheh uv the bi-ane and the water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv thy pensive beaut}', I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev kept my oath. I hev bin in the Apossel biz'nis more extensively than .any man sence the time uv Paul. First 1 established a church uv Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in thfe Ablishn State uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the grocery keepers hevin mortgage!^ on all the land around em — but alars ! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Jersey bein the only state North Wich wuz on- squelched, to her I fled, and at Saihf^s Rest (wich is in Noo Jersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Abiishnism pursood me thither, and in the fall uv '65 that State got oi-iiery and cussid, and went Ablishn, and agin, like tlie wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit X Roads, I hoped to spend the few remainin years uv my life. I wuz happy and contented. Under the administrashen uv President Johnson, upon whose head bless- ins, I wuz livin in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornameritin the landscape 10 PEEFIS. only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school-house within site uv my winder. I wantid nothin more. I hoped to be allowed to live there and thus forever, and that when Death should come, he wood find me at Bascom's, enjoyin the deliteful society uv them wich I am proud to call my friends. , But it wuz not to be so. Grant wuz elected, and per conse- quence I wuz oustid. Weary uv life and heart-sick, I startid a grosery in the 6th Ward, Noo York, where I hed hopes that the Dimocricy wood rally to my support, and give me a sufE- shency uv the two prime necessities uv life, — a roof and whis- key. But that didn't anser. I drank up twenty-five per cent, uv my stock, and the balance wuz sold on credit to that class uv Dimocrats whose proudest boast is that they never pay a bill. He needs to be an acoot man who deals with sich. Unable to maintain myself there, I returned to Confedrit X Roads, where I am now livin, and where, probably, I shel die. It is the most sootable place for me, for here I am entirely safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The aristocracy uv this seckshun bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massj'choosits can't disturb us here ; the populashen is unani- mously Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so. It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin the most eventful years in his history, aad mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alac- rity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top PREPIS. 11 wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv despondency and despair. I endoored life under Linkin, and enjoyed life under that martyred saint, Johnson. But, alas ! Johnson cooden't endoor. Dimocrisy undertook to carry the President, and it broke down under the load. Then the President undertook to carry the Dimocrisy, and he broke down under that load. Both were sootable to be carried, but neither hed the strength to carry the tother. And so they lay, both at the bottom uv the ditch uv despondency, lookin helplessly at each other, but neither able to help his fellow-suffrer. They wood hev em- braced, but they hedn't strength enuff to roll together. We hed seasons uv revival. Occasionally a state eleckshun wood result in our favor, and we did succeed in capcherin Noo York. That last triumph give us life ; it infused vigger into us. It operatid like a invigorator — a stiff wun — does onto the bowels uv a Kentuckian whose flask is out, and who.hezn't bin neer a bar-room for thirty-six hours. It wuz strengthenin. But even that wuzn't permanent. The Dimocrisy uv that city hed a good thing, but their very eagernis rooined em. Their grabs were so enormous ez to attract attention, and down they went again. They killed the goose that laid the golden egg. Hed the Dimocratic managers stolen litely, — that is, hed they taken ten years to hev made theirselves million- aires instid uv five, — they wood to-day hev bin in power, and the Democrisy hev hed a nucleus around wich to rally. But sich is fate. There is frosts wherever there is flowers. I mite say more, but wherefore ? Sich ez the book is, 1 hist it at the public. Ez the record uv twelve years uv hopes and fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may not — 'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whether it is well or ill received makes but little difference to me. The public will not diskiver its merits or demerits till after they hev bought the book (and paid for it, — for books is not like whi*- 12 PREPIS. key, sold on tick), afld with the biiyin tiy the book my objeck is attained. They may possibly murmur, but their murmurs won't reach me, for before they kin reach the Cross Roads, with our present mail facilities, I shel hev gone hentz. Before that time my venerable biler, now weakened in spots, will hev bustid, and I shel hev gone to join Elder Gavitt, John Guttle, and the glorious army uv Dimocratic marters, wherever they may be. For it is not given to man to live always, for wich a Dimocrat who is too old to change mkj be trooly thankful. P. V. N. CONFEDRIT X KOADS (wich is in tlie Stait uv Kentucky), Janttafy 29, 1872. OTRODUCTIOl!^. The Nasby Letter^ are now collected in a beautiful volume, and the publiskers have invited me to write an IntroduGtion. It can be only a word. Beyopd the interest in these letters as another instance of a pequliiar literature, -r- illustrated by Major Jack Downing, Sam Slick, and the genius of Hosea Biglow, — they have an historic character from the part they performed in the war with slavery, and in advancing reconstruction. Appearing with a certain regularity and enjoying an extensive circulation, they became a constant and welcome ally. Unquestionably they were among the influences and agencies by which disloyalty in all its forms was exposed, and public opinion assured on the right side. It is im- possible to measure their value. Against the devices of slavery and its supporters, each letter was like a speech, or one of those songs which stir the 13 14 INTRODUCTION. people. Therefore they belong to the political history of this critical period. Of publications during the war, none had such charm for Abraham Lincoln. He read every letter as it appeared, and kept them all within reach for refreshment. This strong liking illustrates his charac- ter, and will always awaken an interest in the letters. An incident in my own relations with him shows how easily he turned from care to humor. I had occasion to see President Lincoln very late in the evening of March 17th, 1865. The interview was in the familiar room known as his office, and also used for cabinet meetings. I did not take leave of him until some time after midnight, and then the business was not entirely finished. As I rose, he said, " Come to me when I open shop in the morning ; I will have the order written, and you shall see it." " When do you open shop ? " said L "At nine o'clock," he replied. At the hour named I was in the same room' that I had so recently left. Very soon the President entered, stepping quickly with the promised order in his hands, which he at once read to me. It was to disapprove and annul the judgment and sentence of a court- INTRODUCTION. 15 martial in a case that had excited much feeling. While I was making an abstract of the order for communication by telegraph to the anxious parties, he broke into quotation from Nasby. Finding me less at home than himself with his favorite humorist, he said pleasantly, " I must initiate you," and then repeated with enthusiasm the message he had sent to the author : " For the genius to write these things I would gladly give up ray office." Rising from his seat, he opened a desk behind, and, taking from it a pamphlet collection of the letters already published, proceeded to read from it with infinite zest, while his melancholy features grew bright. It was a delight to see him surrender so completely to the fascination. Finding that I listened, he read for more than twenty minutes, and was still proceed- ing, when it occurred to me that there must be many at the door waiting to see him on graver matters. Taking advantage of a pause, I rose, and, thanking him for the lesson of the morning, went away. Some thirty persons, including senators and representatives, were in the ante-chamber as I passed out. Though with the President much during the inter- vening time before his death, this was the last business 16 INTBQDUOTION. I transacted with him. A few days later he left Washington for City Point, on the James Eiver, where he was at the surrender of Kichmond. April 6th I joined him there. April 9th the party returned to Washington. On the evening of April 14th the bullet pf an assassiiii took his life. In this simple ytory Abraham Lincoln introduces Nasby. Charles Sijmner. Washington, April 1st, 1872. LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. Page NASBT BEIXG rHOTOGEAPHED : A STRIKING PICTURE 33 CHURCH OF ST. VALLANDIGUM, P. V. NASBT, PASTOR, AND HIS FLOCK. 71 NASBY COMMUNING WITH THE SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON. ... 102 HOW NASBY WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE LAST DITCH 170 THE "NIGGER" AS HE SHOULD BE — AS HE IS 192 DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER ? 226 DB:PL0KABLE effect of the emancipation PROCLAMATION. . . 231 NASBY'S DREAM OF RETRIBUTION 240 NASBY'S DREAM OF THE RECEPTION OF THE PATRIOTS 299 PROCESSION AT CONFEDRIT X ROADS 302 NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS 305 THE EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKERS SS.^ NASBY EXCITED OVER THE NEWS 338 THE ROUGH AND TUMBLE AT THE PATERNAL TOMB 370 NASBY IN THE CABINET 391 •'I THUS EMBRACE." 410 JOLLIFICATION AT THE WHITE HOUSE — THE THREE GRACES 414 "THREE CHEERS *"0R JEFFERSON GREELEY." 438 NIGGERS RECOGNIZING THEIR " MOSES." 443 PARADE OF THE VIRGINS 476 "SUFFER LITTLE WHITE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME." 481 NASBY DREAMS HE IS A GENUINE NEW YORK ARISTOCRAT 562 THE GUILLOTINE HAS FALLEN ON POSTMASTER NASBY a90 2 17 CONTENTS LETTERS. I. An Autobiographical Sketch. •Dh«f^™™„T, nf thp Author —Cost of Photograph. — Birthplace of the Author. P'^'Scious Boyhood -Origin of his Political Principles. -Education - Enterprise - S°t>ine. - C?uel Judge. - Objects of his Lite. - Model Father. - Bene voTent Ne ghl ors. - Versatility of Genius. - Becomes a Useful Member of sSv -Strivins for a Fortune. -Matrimonial Disaster. -Renewed De- Motion to his Life-work. -Becomes a Politician and Office-holder. -Is happy. . 33 II. The Secession of Wingert's Corners. Meetin-- of Citizens. — Nasby ChairmMn. — Address to the World adopted.— Griev",nces;- Overburdened with Taxes, and without Sh.ro m the Offices. - Independence declared. — Military Preparations. — The People resolute da III. Negro Emigration. Negro Population.- Dangers of the State.- An Alarm. — Resolutions. — Stir- ring Appeal to Patriotism *1 IV. Proposes to Celebrate the Fourth of July. Order of Procession. — Exercises of the D.iy and Evening 43 V. Annihilates an Oberlinite. The Cause of the War. — Perversity and Obstinacy of Oberlin. — The American Eagle. — Effect of berlin Ideas 44 VI. Makes a Candidate "nv Hisself" P„easons. — Claims. — Capacity. — Principles. — More Resolutions. — States his Position, which is Comprehensive. — Isn't particular what Office he has 47 VII. Shows why he should not be Drafted. Studies Himself. — Is Bald-headed. — Dandruff. — Catarrh . — Blind. — Bad Teeth. — Diarrhoefi. — Costiveness. — Ruptured. — Varicose Veins. — Corns. — And is afflicted with Political Opinions 50 VIII. In Canada. Congratulations. — Unskilful Phy.^iicians. — Terrors of Nijrht Travelling. — A Voyage in an Open Boa'. — The Hedra of the Invalids. — Cautious Canadian Landlord. — Unpleasant Bedfellow. — Applies to his Wife for Money 51 IX. Is finally Drafted. Homeward Bound. — Happy Anticipations. — Disappointment. — His Nose be- trays Him. — Seeks Safety by Volunteering. — A Ray of Light. — Condensed Ecstasy. — Patriotic Enthusiasm. — Affecting Message to LouTsa Jane 53 X. Deserts — His Experience in Clothes. Escapes by a Fortunate Mistake. — Falls into the Hands of the Louisiana Peli- cans. — Their Uniform. — Changes his Uniform. — Provides his own Rations.. . 55 XI. Captures a Turkey. Discomforts of Military Life. — Liuht Food and Clothing and Irregular Pay. — Great Abundance of Money. — The Turkey. — Is confiscated. — Feast 57 18 CONTENTS. 19 XII. Improves his Fortunes by Marriage. Misery. — An Extravagant Wife. — No Ciedit. — Marries a Widow. — Result of the Speculation. — A PractiCiil Joke. — Cliange of "Views on Slavery Question. . 59 XIII. Converses with a Southern Soldier. A Great Rascal spoiled by Lack of Brains. — Family Misfortunes of a Southerner. — Tlie Utopia of Mechanics. — Nasby as a Watchmaker. — Prospective Success of the Confederacy 60 XIV. At Home. Suffering for Principle. — Human Endurance limited. — Justification of Deser- tion. — How Deserters faro at Home. — Hospitality of his Friends. — They take up a Collection. — A Mistake. — The Difference explained. — Nasby retains the Money 62 XV. Assists Draft Resisters. Drills the Heroes of HoskinviUc. — Extraordinary Military Expertness. — A Stratagem. — Arrested and imprisoned 63 XVI. Strategises. The Hobby of Democracy. — Disguises Himself. — Negro Invasion — Perfect Success. — Deception justifiable 65 XVII. Addresses the Soldiers. Managers of the Democracy meet. — Alarming Stupidity. — Some Political Facts. — Inroad of the Negroes. — An Appeal for Peace 67 XVIII. Organizes a Democratic Church. Dangerous Influence of Churches. — Nasby's Gigantic Intellect contrives a Harm- less Church. — Order of Exerijscs. — The Sunday School on a Pure Basis. — Catechism. — Rewards to stimulate the Infant Mind. —A Festival. — Prospec- tive Good. — Touching Scene. — Virtue rewarded 69 XIX. Goes on Avith his Church. An Intelligent Audience. — The Sermon. — Tyranny denounced. — Democratic Class-meeting. — Confessions. — Fines to be devoted to Missionary Service. — A Rich Field 71 XX. "Capcherd." Joins the Peice Forces at Millersbcrg. — Is made Commander-in-chief. — The Enemy appear. — Taken and imprisoned at Columbus. — An Epistle to the Church. — Begs to he shown some Little Attention 73 XXr. Starts a Paper. Insnlting Remark. — The"Marter and Tyrent Resister" — Principal Contribu- tors : Petroleum V. Nasby, P. V. Nasby, P. Volcano Nasby, and Mr. Nasby.— Appeal to the Democracy for Support. — Enthusiastic Reception by his Church. — An Assault. — A Rescue 74 XXII. Preaches, and makes a Sudden Shift. The Draft Inevitable. — Precautionary Measures. — Two Sets of Resolutions.- Immigration Encouraged. — The Sagacious Nasby 76 XXIII. Observes a Day of Fasting. Instructions to his Flock. — The Text. — The Silver Lining. — Conundrums in the Pulpit. — Exhortation. — Census of the Church. — The Church safe. ...... 78 XXIV. Confession of Faith. A Glorious Season. — Eighteen added to the Church. — The Confession of Faith. — Preparations for a Revival 80 XXV. Visits Vallandigham. The Prisoner. — A Scene. — His Motto "Nil despritrando." — The Two Great Men , of the Age. — Plans for the Salvation of Ohio. — A Large Nest and a Small Hen. 81 XXVI Converses with a Brother. The Wandei-cr returns. — Affectionate Reception. — Still holds to Democracy. — Not up to the Times. — He repudiates his Party. — Denounces the Degeneracy of the Times, and departs with the Blessings of Petroleum V 81 20 CONTENTS. XXVII. Preaches — Subject, "Givin'." What is giving? — When should we give ? — Democracy always Scriptural.- "Why we should give. — The Consequences of not giving. — A Great l,esson m XXVIIl. Visits Camp Dennison to Electioneer for Vallandigham. Approaches a Party —Sows his Seed. — Stony Gron.id. — Disagreeable Result.- Outrages. — Sudden Retreat. — Escnpe. — Sick »S XXIX Waileth. Resolves to become a "Nunnery."- Martial Law. — The Election Returns.- Swoons — Despondency. — An Attempt at Suicide. — Foiled. — Prostration. — Takes to Strong Drink 9" XXX. IH the " Apossel Biznis." ADemocrnticPropasandist. — Extracts from his Journal. — Pilgrimage. — Bor- rows of the Faithful. — A Good Hair-dye. — Concessions Necessary to Compio- nijge, — Borrows Money, and gives his Note. — Benevolence a Characteristic. — Borrows more Money, which he expects to pay 92 XXXI. Has an Interview with the President. A Modest Request on Behalf of Ohio Democracy. — Lincoln, struck with his Modesty, promises to consider the Matter. — Encourages Nasby, who, without Ambition, would accept a Post Office. — Dismisses himself impressively, and walks off. 93 XXXII. Preaches. The Text. — "Why the Democracy needs saving. — A Broad Platform. — The Pan- acea for Democratic Woes. — Abolitionists must be induced to Enlist. — And Canadian Refugees to Return. — A Big Job 96 XXXIII. Submits a Plan for the Salvation of the Democratic Party. A Radical Change. — ' An Anecdote. — Resolves to Conciliate the Blacks 98 XXXIV. Takes a Retrospective View. The Good Old Times. — Disintegration of the Party. — Abolition creeps in. — An Army of Ghosts 99 XXXV. Communes with Spirits. Nasby's Faith in Spiritualism. — A Happy Belief. — The Cu:cle. — The Spirits of the Fathers. — Unsatisfactory Answers. — All the Spirits Impostors. — The Last Words of Douglas. — The Collection pays for the Use of the Church 101 XXXVI. Tries an Experiment. Perversity of the Human Race. — A Beautiful Provision of Nature. — The Strong take the Weak under their Protection. — White Slavery Established in the North. — A Strong-minded Woman. — The Result. — Disestablishes the System. 104 XXXVII. Establishes African Slavery. Tries an Experiment with Negro Slavery. — Proves the Principle by the Scrip- tures. — A Popular Scheme. — The Discussion. — Heretics in the Church. — This System also fails. — Jordan a Hard Road 106 XXXVIII. Opposes the Nomination of a Military Man. Nasby a Man of Talent. — His Faith in Democr.icy . — McClellan's Want of Abil- ity. — Constitutional Rights Illustrated. — Grant too Bloody. — Party Gymna.s- tics. — The Style of Man Needed. — A Happy Thought 108 XXXIX. Tries to Awaken an Interest. Gloomy Forebodings .— An Effort at Str.iteiry. — Disappointment. —Terrible Fall- ing off. — Drifting. — Ills Congregation Lukewarm 110 Xli. Recommends Unanimity. M Incident. — Borrowing a Family Trait. — A Parable. — Discouraging Work. — Moral 112 XLI. Again repudiates McClellan, and gives Reasons therefor. No Elements of Success. — If elected, would be of no Use.- The Paiable of the Circus Rider 114 CONTENTS. 21 XIjII. Ordains a Missionary. A Promising Candidate. — Tlie Charge after Ordinntion. — The Ship " Democracy " headed for the Kocks of Destruction. — Kules for a Democratic Missionary. ... 118 XLIII. Gives Thanks. A Psalm of Praise. — Proviso U? XLIV. Waileth. A Wail. — Distraction. — A Terrible Bereavement I2f XLV. Fremont's Nomination. The Right Man in the Right Place. — Encouraging Prospects. 123 XLVI. The Return of Vairandigham. Great Rejoicing. — Somewhat Mixed. — The Exile's Duty to his Party. — A Troublesome Fiiend. — Tlie Author's Atfectioii surp.isscd by his Patriotism.... 123 XLVII. Defines his Position, and appeals for Aid. Obstacles to Democratic Success. — The Corner Stone. — Superstitions of the Churches. — The Pr.nciple of Property in the Negro derived from Blackstone. — A Weak Point in Every Democratic Principle. — Laborers Plenty, Imt Har- vest Scant. — Contril)utions can safely be sent to any Regular OfiScer 12.5 XLVIII. Declares for Repudiation, and Union with the South. Certain Success of the Southern Confederacy. — ReconciliMtion of Democracy with New England Impossible. — Contederacy will not undertake to pay our Debt. — R,epudiation a Dirty Trick. — Democracy must do it 127 XLIX. Shows that a War Platform won't do for the Democracy. Contemplates retiring ft-ora Public Life. — Prospective Destruction of Democriicy Immediate. — Success Equally Dangerous with Defeat. — Clear Elucidation lif the Proposition. — Success not Desirable, and why 130 Ii. Has a Class-meeting, and Deprecates Negro-killing. The Speech of the Saints. — Brother Siples is Weak, but has his Faith Strength- ened. — Another Weak One Strengthened. — Misdirected Enthusiasm. — A Little Computation. — Vile Slanders refuted — An Honest Miin. — Southern Ardor Dampened. — A Touching Picture. — Nasby's Flock still Strong 131 lil. Starts a Society of His Own. An Order adapted to the Party.— The Ritual. — A Series of Interesting Queries. — Position of the Society strong. — Appeals to the Natural Instincts of its Members 132 LH. Indorses the Nomination. Always does from Principle. — Biographical Sketch of a Candidate. — The Father of the Man. — His Railroad Experience. — His Militaiy Career Well Known. — Nasby accepts the Platform, and t.ikes up a Collection 134 LIII. The Candidates and Platform. The Enthusiasm for McClellan. — Diversity of Opinion. — The Idea of Brother Guttle. — Is a little Particular. — Consolitory Remarks of the Pastor. — An Accommodating Platform. — Guttle Squelched 137 MV. Waileth. Psalm of Humiliation and Agony. — A Double-barrelled Wail. — A Cry of An- guish. — A Heart-rending Wail. — Job, Niiaman, and Samson discounted. — The Ox and the Ass. — Curses the Day of his Birth 139 LV. Lamenteth. Reaches a Conclusion. — A Reaiion of Mourning. — Psalm. — Nowhere to turn. — A Prayer for Victory 141 LVI. Has a Dream. Dreams are Unsubstantial. — Likewise Ghosts. — An Exploration of the Future. — An Interesting Examination. — A Prince in Disguise. — A Case of Slander. — Reflections on Posterity 143 "- CONTENTS. LVII. Loses a Friend, and Writes his Obituary. The Fallen Pillar. — A Beautiful Trnit of Character. — Commences his Political Career. —Perseverance. — Death Hastened bv Disappomtment. —A Consistent Memberof the Church. — Comprehen.sive Political Principles. — Direct Cause of his Death. — His Last Woras 145 LVIII. Has a Difficulty with his Flocii, and leaves it. Freedom's Squawk. — A Happy Reason. — The Dream changes. — How the Re- sult was Accounted for. — Fraud. — A Strategical Retreat. — Bids Farewell to his Flock, and departs for New Jersey 148 LIX. Deprecates the Arming of the Slaves by the South. A Dis.sertation on Blood. — Inferiority of Northern White Soldiers. — Chivalry of Officers. — A Touching Picture. — Fearful Destruction of Property. — Conso- lation of Democracy. — what ought to be done 150 LX. Has a Frightful Dream. Is afflicted with Dreams. — Jefferson at the Funeral of Deniocrocy. — Is Sur- prised. — More Surprises. — And still more. — Douglas speaks over the Dead Body 152 liXI. Proposes an Emigration of the Democracy. Thoughts derived from the Bible. — The Dangerous Remedy. — A Mathematical Calculation. — How to Make Heroes. — A Nation of Office-holders 1.54 LXII. Consults the Spirits. Has no Faith in Spirits. — Too Ethereal. — Some Tests. — An Assortment of Spir- its. — Some Necessary, but Unpleasant Truths. — Secession caused by the North. 156 LXIII. Waileth and Curseth. Bad News. — A Wail and Curse. — An Epidemic — " Speshly hot" Curse. — Sherman's " Cussidness." 158 "LXIV. Renounces Slavery. Wages of Sin. — Why he Renounces Slavery. — The Car of Emancipation. — The Devil's Work. — Sighs for the Fate of Jonah. — Juggernaut. — The Circular... 160 LXV. Lamenteth. A Soul-rending Lamentation. — Surrounded by Enemies. — The Provost-Marshal. 162 IjXVI. Details the Failures of the Democracy. The Stupidity of the People mourned over. — Failures in the Business of Proph- esying. — The People Crazy. — Convinced of the Truth of the MiUerite Doctrine. 163 liXVn. Mr. Nasby and his Friends hold a Meeting on the Fall of Charleston. A Moist Season. — The Resolutions. — Adopted. — Nashy makes a Speech. — The Fall of Charleston a Blessing. — Makes a Sensation. — And takes Occasion to borrow a little Money 164 liXVIII. Lamenteth over the Apostasy of the Saints. Tidings of Evil. — A Succession of Misfortunes. — Weeping and Cursins of no Aviiil. — A Loss of Faith in Humanity. — The Backbune'of the Party gone... 167 LXIX. The Fall of Richmond, and Lee's Surrender. Concentration. — Lee Surrenders. — Contemptible Actions of the Southern Peo- ple. — The Last Concentrate Concentrated. — Democriicy about to Die of Cha- grin and other things. — Nasby resolves to become a Nun 169 LXX. The Assassination. A Nation in Mourning. — Nasby Mourns. —Why. -Why he ever Disliked Lin- coln.— Forgives him. — The Change not for the Better" 171 LXXI. Makes a " Delegashun uv Hisself," and Visits the President. Delegations in Vogue. — Defence of New Jersey. — Responsibility of the Pres- ident. — The Only Plan. — Difference ITS ' CONTENTS. 23 LXXit, JtAs a Vision. Ancient Dreams Prophetical. — Reception at tlie Gates of Heaven. — Better Rft- ception in another Place. — Interview with Satan. — His Property. — In Fee. — Mortgages. — Who will and Who will not. — A Narrow Escape. — A Happy Awakening 17a LXXIII. Lays down a Platform for the coming Campaign. What the Matter is. — Red Flag of the Democracy. — "Save us from Niggef Eiiuality." — Central Committees must furnish them. — If they won't steal, the Committee must for them ■ ■ v 17S LXXIV. Meets a " Reconstructid Suthern Chivalry, and hez Confidences." General Marion Sumpter Fitzhugh Gusher. — A True Gentleman. — Parental Af- fection for the Old Flasj. — State Rights. — A Child of Nature. — Conditions of Peace. — Generosity of Southern Democracy. — A Noble Man. — Nasby l)e- comes a Lender' 180 LXXy. Dreams a Dream. A Common Recreation. — A Monument to the Heroes of Gettysburg. — The In- sult to General McGoryum. — Indignant Speech. — The Compromise 183 LXXVI. Issues an Address to the Southern Democracy. Two Discoveries. — Past Misfortunes. — What to do, and How to do it. — Enter- prising Yankee. — Duties of Legislators 186 LXXVII. Searches the Scriptures, and Gets Comfort therefrom. The Nigger past findin" out. — Nasby dejected. — His Cure. — Providential Ori- gin of the Nigger. —The Story of Noah. — Light. — Moral 188 LXXVIU. Opposes the Nomination of Soldiers. Halting between two Opinions. — Parable of the Doctor. — His Oljjections. — Po- litical Capital enough 190 LXXIX. Suggests a Psalm of Sadness for his Friends South. A Psalm of Agony. — The Nigger. — Lincoln's Sin. — A Supplieation for Mercy.. 192 LXXX. A Horrible Vision. Campbell. — Nasby's Superiority. — The Lost Negro. — The Death Scene. — Fer- nando Wood's Grief. — Funeral Orations. — What Horace Greeley said. — Awakening 194 LiXXXI. Meets a Pardoned Rebel, who Enlightens Him. General Mosher. — A Model Man. — Unnecessary Fear. — Fate of the Ancient Chivalry. — Hopes.— A Child of Pious Parents 199 IjXXXII. On Southern Character. Delusions. — The Effect of Novel Reading. — Youthful Credulity.— The Ideal Southerner. — The Real Southerner 201 LXXXHI. On the Diversity of the Races. Unfortunate Necessity of Giving a Reason. — No Reason to Give. ^ An Ethno- logical Point. — A Sound Theory 204 IiXXXIV. Has a Conversation with the Devil. New Jersey in Danger. — Consolatory Remarks. — A Happy and Prosperous Devil. — His Fears and Hopes. — A Pleasant Country. — Fiendish Plans. — A Warm Embrace 206 LXXXV. Appeal to the Democracy. A Time for Action. — A Variety of Platforms. — A Subject for Contemplation. — New Jersey Safe 209 LXXXVI. Aaer the October Elections, 1865. Abolitionism Rampant. — An Interrupted Speech. — And » Sudden Ending. — Mockery. — A Heavy Democratic Majority in the Future - 212 24 CONTENTS. LXXXVII. After the New Jersey Election, 1805. Prospective Happiness. — A Terrible Blow. — A Sad Song. — A Wail. — Honible Visions. — Where shall Refuge ije found ? 214 I.XXXVIII. A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, which is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel. ■Wiishin"-ton. — Comfortahlo Quarters. — The Offended Chivalry. — Tlic Condi- tions of Reconciliation. — An Interruption. — What Mr. Miiginnis had to say. — His Advice 217 LXXXIX. A Remarkable Dream — A Country Settled exclu- sively by Democrats. A Second St. John. — The Democratic Exodus. — Consternation among the Na- tives. —The President. — Oath waived. — Numbering the Host. — Clergy. — Candidates for Office. — Murmurings and Discontent. — The Moral 221 XC. A Change of Base — Kentucky — A Sermon which was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate. .\n Anchor. — Cheap Tools. — A Stupid Blunder. — Cheap Drinks. — "Wages of Sin. — What is Sin ? — Another Sermonizer. — The same Text from a different Stand-point. — A Disagreeabls Conclusion 22 5 XCI. The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward pro- duced in Kentucky. The Dark Deed. — The Wail of tlie Patriarch. — A Fainting Scene. — The Misery of Abolitionism 2-9 XCII. A Conversation vrith a Loyal Kentuckian w^ho had Faith in the Final Triumph of Democracy. A Hopeful Kentuckian. — His Cure. — Pleasant Anticipations. — A Difficulty Settled 232 XCIII. A Plan Suggested for the Up-bnilding of the Democracy. Light. — A Suggestion. — The Social Sliding Scale. — The Nigger must be Culti- vated. — The Negro a Man. — And is sweeter than the Night-l>looming Ccrous. — The Foundation of the New Temple 235 XCIV. Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, Seeing therein many Curious Things, which are Published as a M'arning to Poli- ticians, Evening Meal. — A Light Supper. — The Dividing Line. — Myriads of Little Dev- ils. — Tlieir Amusement. — Sat-m's Ideas. — His Hopes 239 XCV. The Situation — The Democracy Warned. The Trouble of Living on Faith. — " Where is the Offices ?"—Nasby's Recom- mendation. — The Central Idea. — Will he do it f 243 XCVI. The President's 22d of February Speech. The Capture of the President, — Un.sound Reasons. — A Description of the Cap- tors. —And their Enthusiasm. —A Genuine Democrat.— The Great Question. 248 XCVII. The President Implored to Show his Hand. AProtcst. — Humanity Deceptive. — Reasons of tile Speech. — Hesitation.— The Price of AllcfTianco.- The Central Figure 2.50 XCVIH. The Patriarchal System— An Affecting Appeal in Be- half of a Friend. Free Negroes Successful. — John Guttle. — An Old Friend. — The Guttle Family. — Tlieu- Downfall. — Former Hospitality. — Guttle and the Democracy 253 XCIX. A Dream — The Course of Republicanism. An Interview with the Picsident. — A Sad Want of Tact. — Corpse of Republi- canism. — Dividing the Raiment. — Expressions of Grief. — TJie Struggle over the Plunder f _ _ 256 C. A Kentucky Tea Party. Infidelity. — The Southern Idea of Sumner. — Pollock, ihe Disturber. — A Pain- ful Investigation, — A Very Remarkable Coincidence. — The Commandment — A Democratic Interpretation. — Assertion of Superiority. — Mrs. Pogram threat- ens War. — More about Sumner 269 CONTENTS. 25 CI. A Psalm of Gladness — Veto of the Civil Rights Bill. An Exultant Strain. — Wh it shall Cumc to Pass. — Blus.sed ho Moses 265 CII. A Cry of Exultation — A Gleam of Light. The Moses. — Change of Israelites — The Parable of the Eel. — Process of Re- construction. — A Kentucky Code. — A Strikuii; Tableau 267 CIII. A Wail of Anguish — The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill over the Veto. A Kettle full of Curses. — Fire fed with Oil —The Americ n Moses. — Tlie Seven Devils. — The Serpent. — Effect of Civil Rights Bill. — Gloomy Prospect 271 CIV. Mournful View of the Situation. The Useless Curse. — Negro Impudence. —Where is the Curse ? — Wh.it the Presi- dent should do. -. 27-5 CV. The Reconstructed Congratulate the Country upon the JUemphis Outbreak. The Unpleasantness at Memphis. — An Orator wh.) understands his Subject. — Great Success. — Deep Foundations of Democracy. — Impertinent Questions by a Beast. — The Argument 277 CVI. The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau — A Report. An Unbiassed Report. — The Congregation Assemble. — What Captain Skclpcr knows about Bureaus. — The Infamous Bnrean —How it .sjx.iled tlic Ne'.;ri)cs. — Its Removal Necessary to the Welfare of the Country 281 CVII. Presides at a Church Trial. Examination of Witnesses. — An Importint Point. — Gnilty, b:it Justiliod. — Full Explanation. — Prisoner Discharged. — The Court's Address U> ilic People..'... 2SJ CVIII. Turns a JUeeting, called to indorse General Rosseau, to Account. Chairman. — Resolutions. — The Everl.istini; Post Offlee. — Resolutions Unani-- mously Adopted without Reading 288 CIX, Preaches — "The Prodigal Sou" — An Interruption. Splendid Congregation. — Promising Prospects. — A Plain Statement. — Applying the Moral. — The Abolitionists Preach, but won't Pr.ictise — The Church Mili- tant. — And its Statement 291 ex. A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof His Dreams mostly Nightmares. — The Organization. — Who should be Admit- ted.- From the North. — From the South. — Garret Davis's Speech. — The Resolutions. —Tableau. — The Awakening 295 CXI. Reward of Virtue — The Virtuous Patriot Secures his Loaf— J ollification . Receives his Commission. — The Johnsonian Catechism. — A Procession.- The Deacon's Speech. — Bascom's Remarks. — Congratulatory Addresses. — The Resolutions 300 CXII. The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia — A Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided tor. Perfect Satisfaction. — The Delegate. — The Prevalence of the Military. — What thev all had in their Eyes. — Nasby is Overcome, and Faints. — Is Carried Out. -The Party Bonds. — The Stoiy of the Irishman 305 CXIII. The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas — Prom Washington to Detroit. Nasby summoned to Washington. — Appointment of a Chapluin. — Preliminary Discussion of the Jnumev. — The Setting Hen —The Stirt. — The New York Reception. — The Progress —Albany. — An Unkind Cut. — Schenectady. — Nasby a Man much sought aftcr. — Utica.— The Speech.— Rome. — Lockport. —Too much Swing. — 'Trouble at Cleveland. — The Procession of One. — Fre- mont. — At Detroit. — Brilliant Effort of the President Sid 26 CONTENTS. CXIV. The Presidential Tour Continued — From Detroit to Indianapolis. Nasby at Home. — The Presidential Cavalcade at Ypsilanti. —Enthusiasm of the People. — Ann Arbor. — More Enthusiasm. — Battle Creek. — Cheers. — itala- mazoo. — At Chicago. — The Ethiopian Cooks. — Trouble at the Biddle House. — A Dilemma. — Nasby Gently Persuaded. — Joliet. — Crowd Immense. — St. Louis 316 CXV. The End of the Presidential Tour — From Louisville to Washington. Gratified at last. — A Touching Incident.- A Gushing Maiden. — Continuation of the Diary. — Cincinnati. — Enthusiastic Keception. — Unsophisticated Post- master. — Great Variety in the President's Speeches. — At Johnstown, Pa.— Mifflin, Pa. — A Spontaneous Tribute.— Baltimore. — Arri\-al at Washington.— Postscript 320 CX VI. At Home again — A Detailed Accoun t of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflicted upon the People of Confederate X Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and how the Insult was Wiped out. At Home again. — A Negro Settlement. — Meeting of the Saints. — Speeches by the Brethren. — Pollock advises. — The Result. — A Reconstruction Movement. — An Unendurable Outrage. — Remarkable Forbearance 324 CXVII. Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Con- vention—That Beautiful City Visited for that Purpose. A Chaplain Necessary. — The Soldiers in Attendance. — Enthusiasm of the Dele- gates. — A Prisoner secured. — A Man of Principle. — Speeches. — The Extem- poraneous Speaker. — The Wrong Carpet Bag 329 CXVIII. An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections. The Sins of Congress. — To the Democracy direct. — The Magnanimity of the South. — The Bruised Reed. — A Moving Appeal 334 CXIX. The October Elections — The Effect the Result Produced in Kentucky. Deacon Pogram's Suggestion. — Joe Biglcr's Definition of Conservative. — The Pogram Household. — The Effect of the News. — Fruits of Radicalism 338 CXX. The Octsber Elections — JMr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat of the President. The Cabinet Meeting. — The Testimony of an Offldal. — How an Expert did it. — The Main Pillar'. — The Cabinet in Tears 342 CXXI. Will you have Andrew Johnson President or Kingi — A Dream in which Andrew Johnson Figures as a King, sur- rounded by his Nobles. Nasby of an Imaginative Nature. — The Reception Night of " Androo the I." — His High Miahtiness.- The Servants. —The Arrival of the Nobility. — The Prisoners of State. — "The last uv the Tribunes." — What had been done. — A Postmaster as Good as a Nobleman 346 CXXII. A Cabinet Meeting — Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John JHorrissey, each Anxious to Preserve his Reputation — A Sad Time at the White House. Several Gentlemen Alarmed for their Reputations. — Mr. Beecher's Respect for the Office. — The Morrissey Seal. — A Broken Heart 350 CXXIII. A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No Man Putteth New Wine into Old Bottles," with a Digression or Two. A Mournful Season at the Corners. — The Happy Negro. — A Servant unto his Brethren. — The New Wine in Old Bottles. — Old Cloth on a New Garment. — The Conclusion 355 CONTEXT-. m CXXIV. The Amnesty Proposition — The Cross Roads made the Victim of a Cruel Hoax. Tlie Little Game of Draw. — TUe New York Drummer. — The Joy which Filled the Coiners. — Moder.ito Qimliticatioiis. — The Superiority of the Caucasian Race Vindicated. — The Deacon's Exposition. — Sad Discovery 359 CXXV. Mr. Nasby Projects a College. A Southern College. — The Deacon's Idea of Education. — The College Grounds. — The Faculty. — Curriculum. — The Executive Committee 363 CXXVI. Mr. Nasby Tries to Weep at the Tomb of a Friend. The Death of John Guttle. — Sad Reflections. — Causes of his Death. — The Guttle Family. — The Negro an Imitative Animal. — Mr. Nasby at the Grave. — The Meeting of the Daughters. — Interesting Conversations. — The Wreck th.it Ensued 367 CXXVII. Mr. Nasby in North Carolina — The Abrogation of General Sickles's Order. Colonel Podgers. — The Insult. — The Trial and Decision. — Nasby's Modesty. — And Colonel Fodgers's Liberality 370 CXXVIII. Mr. Nasby's Account of his Stewardship — Laying the Corner Stone of the College Edifice. The Report. — Where the Money went to. — Indignation. — Laying the Corner Stone. — Reflections on Posterity. — Tableau 374 CXXIX. Mr. Nasby Essays a Sermon, but is Interrupted by a Niggsr. A Devoted Flock. — The Text. — Ethnological Proofs. — An Unexpected Inter- ruption. — "Out of the Mouths of Babes and Sucklings." — An Awkward Ar- gument. — An Immense Condemnation 378 CXXX. Mr. Nasby does the Cross Roads a Service. Peace at the Corners. — Studies. — The Uses of Northerners. — A Discoveiy. — Brother Lee's Experience. — His Conclusion. — Deacon Pogram's Joy 382 CXXXI. An Important Case at the Corners under the Vagrant Act — "The Decision of Squire Gavitt. The Case Stated. — The Trial. — Sudden Adjournment of the Court. — How the Negro was made a Vagrant. — Uuconstitutioiuil Laws. — The Decision 387 CXXXII. IMr. Nasby is Despatched by the President upon a Mission, similar to that of JHr. McCracken. The McCracken Mission. — A Dirty Business. — An Anecdote. — Discovers the Causes of Defeat. — New York Postmtsters round. — In Ohio. — The Dissuiscd Nobleman. — His Success. — An Affecting Incident. — Discomforts of Travel... 391 CXXXIII. Mr. Nasby's Board Commences the Compilation of a Series of School Books for the "Institoot." That Comer-Stone. — The Proposed Series. — Some Examples. — Joe Bisler in- terferes. — And makes Trouble. — His Examples. — Recommends their Adop- tion emphatically , i 395 CXXXIV. Mr. Nasby desires Confirmation — Is Advised How to Proceed by the President, but Rejects the Proposition with Scorn. Refl ■ctions. — His former Visit to Washinaton.- Willard's. — The President's Dodge. — The Letter —A Satisfactory Explanation. — A Spasm of Faith- fulness 399 CXXXV. Mr. Nasby takes a Retrospective View. The Military Law. — Grecian Strategy. — An Organ Backslides. — Discouraged. . 404 CXXXVI. Mr. Nasby, in Imitation of Wade Hampton, tries to Conciliate the African. An Official Order. — Which was promptlv obeyed. — Buying Negroes, — A Stir- ring Speech. — The Universal Hrotherhbod. — A Spoiled Scene. — The Minutes not preserved. — Want of Capital. — Joe Biglcr's Advice 408 28 CONTENTS. CXXXVII. The Connecticut Election. Sensation at the Corners. — Tho Deacon Electioneering. —A Sudden Change.— A Cabinet Jollification. — Carnival at the White House. — The Removal of the Institute. — A Demoralized Yankee. — Nasby's Prospects. — The Normal Con- dition *^2 CXXXVIII. The Russian Purchase. Origin of the Idea. — A Dangerous Position. — Nashy's Suggestion. — Testimo- nials to the Value of the. Cotintry. — From a Naval Officer. — Furs. — Profes- sions. —The Isothermal Line. — Seward's Enthusiasm. — The Real Point.— Nasby's Opinion. — The Assignments 417 CXXXIX. A Slight Alteration in the Name and Policy of Mr. Nasby's " Institoot." A Meeting of the Faculty. — Ham :;nd Japheth. — Bascom's Resolutions. — Why Offered. — The Deacon's Doubt. — Removed by Bascom 422 CXL. Mr. Nasby Preaches a Sermon, the Effect of which is Destroyed by Northern Papers. Trouble with the Niggers. — A Mixed C.mgregation. — The Sermon itself. — The Scene after Seivice. — Spoiled the Next Day. — The Northern Papers. — Re- proaches the Brethren at the North 426 CXLI. The Decease of Elder Gavitt. The Fallen Pillar. — Birth and Edu.ation. — He didn't Read. — Why ? — A Stead- fast Democrat. — The C luse of his Ue.ith. — 'The Sad Event. — Tho Funeral. — Ends vvitli a Row. — Conti-ibutions f r tlie Monument 430 CXLII. Triumphal Progress o! J. Davis from Fortress Monroe to Richmond. Release of Jefferson Davis. — Generous Magnanimity. — The Perfect Arrange- ments. — Sympathy. — The Conference. — His Grief. — Scene in the Court House. — Out on Bail. — His Plans 435 CXIiIII. An Account of the Trip to Raleigh. The Discussion in the Cabinet. — Seward Approves the Trip. —Randall oppo.ses it. — The Determination. — Affecting Demonstrations of Popular Favor. — The President's Speech. — The Penniless Boy. — 'The Monument. — Affecting Scene. — The Tableau 437 CXLIV. The Boston Excursion. Randall's Opinion. — Prospects of a Successful and DeiiiihtfulTour.— Decides to go. ^In New York. — A Massachusetts Governor. — His Welcome. — The President's Reply. — A Precautionary Measure. — The Boston Way of doing it. 445 CXLV. Mr. Nasby Dreams a Dream. Inquiries from the South. — The Dying Giant. — The Heavy Load. — The Catas- trophe. — Interpretation and Moral 450 CXLVI. The Negro t^uestion- The Change. Too many Reasons. — A Simple Proposition. — Religion vs. Politics. — A Hard Point. — A Test Case. — Astrological Examination. — A Mathematical Demon- stration. — The Intellectual Difference. — Too much Investigation. — Too many Facts. — Terrible Result 453 CXLVII. A Consultation at the Corners, followed by a Dream. Conferring Degrees. — The Next President. — The Dream. — Disgnising the Lion. — And his Death. — The Interpretation. — Nasby Approves the Nomination ... 459 CXIiVIlI. An Amnesty Proclamation. A Familiar Consultation. — The Pre.'iidont's Confidence. — Letters.— The Presi- dents Strategy. — The Proclamation decided on. — Nasby Delighted 463 CXliIX. Mr. Nasby in a Democratic County in Southern Ohio. The Inducement. — A Description of tho Town. — An Excited Populace.— Taxes. — Pamful Experience. — Friends Moving. — Tho Speech. — The Per- oration. — An Unpleasant Denouement 468 CONTENTS. 29 Cli. The Antietam Dedication. At Washington. — The Cabinet. — Making an Address. — Corrections. — The Speech Completed. — An Objection overruled 472 CLI. JMr. Nasby Assists in the Ohio Election — The Defeat of the Amendment. The Preparations. — The Parades. — Anti-Negro Feeling. — Deep Feeling in the Community. — Intelligence. — The Effect in Kentucky. — Meeting at the Cross Roads. — The Faculty of the Institute determine to Revise the Scriptures. — Tlie Word " White. •• 476 CLII. A meeting at the Corners. Cogitation over the Elections . — The Regular Speech. — And the Regular Inter- ruption. — Diluted Capital. — Illustrations. — The Troubled Sisters. — Sudden Adjournment 481 CLIII. The November Election. Joy at the Comers. — A Picture. — The Meeting. — Deacon Pogram's Claim. — Other Claims. — The Discussion. — An Effort and a Failure 485 CLIV. Mr. Nasby Regulates a School. Written under Happy Circumstances. — The Disturber, Lett. — Trouble in the School. — The Expulsion. — The Morey Girls. — Recuperation 490 CLV. The Alabama Convention — The Woes of John Uuttle, Jr. A Fearful Night.— A Chip of the Old Block.— A Disconsolate Crowd. — The Troubles of Guttle. — The Convention. — AVho were there. — Ruin ahead 494 CLVI. A Convention of Sniferers. Nasby 's Letter. — His Sufferings. — A Brief History. — His Tableau in Canada. — Snffciings of a Saint. — And the Reward 498 CTjVll. The Decease of Elder Pennibacker. Moral Reflections. — Nasby does not Waste Strength. — A Fallen Pillar. — Sketch of his Life. — His Many Virtues. — Was an Inventor. — A Dilemma. — The Last Illness. — A Happy Death. — A General Disappointment 502 CLVIII. The Pendleton Theory in Kentucky. Silence at the Corners accounted for. —r Mr. Bigler's Grief. — The Theory not Original. — How the Old Thing Worlcs. — Unexpected Result. — Bascom's Tri- umph. — The Peace-Makers. — Peace Restored 505 CLIX. The Impeachment Matter. At Washington. — Letter from Beimont. — Letter from Pierce. — Other Letters. — Mr. Randall's Conclusion 509 CLX. Pollock vs. Bigler. Excitement at the Corners. — The Trouble Increases. — Two Large Families. — The Terrible Examination. — Trouble among the Deacons. — The Recon- ciliation 513 CLXl. Sergeant Bates in Pettusville, Virginia. The Procession. — Reception Speech. — A Discourse on the Jlag. — Concluding Ceremonies 518 CLXII. A Convention at the Corners. Former Mode of Argument. —Joe Bisler interferes with the County Convention. — The'Discussion of his Rights. — Resolutions, Regul.ir and Irregular. -r Big- ler's Resolutions. — Posterity. — Meaning of the Term. — The Convention Dis- solved • 522 CLXIII. The Preparation of the Martyr for the Coming Event. Mrs. Cobb's Adieu —Her Circumstances. — The President's Simple Wants.— His Detei-mination. — What his Friends s ly 525 CI/XIV. The Impeachment Failure — The Feeling at the White House. Great Excitement.— Despatches from Friends. — The Coolness of Randall. — A Dream. — A Race. — Stripping the Racers. — The Start 528 30 CONTENTS. CLXV. The Chicago Convention — Mr Nasby gets on a Heavy Dis/ust. In the Wrong Pew. — Hospitality of the V.irioiis Deleg.itions. — Insult to Ken- tucky. — A Judicious Pause. — A Short Discourse on Democracy. — The Great Idea 533 CLXVI. The Democratic Candidate for the Presidency. Mr. Nasby's Nominee.- Whv ? — Jethru L. K.ppens.- Is Geographically Level. — Nobody knows liim. — Happy Position on the W:ir Question. — Has the El- ements of Popularity. — Other Qualiliuatious. — Is National in his Views 537 CLXVII. Mr. Nasby a Delegate to New York. On the "Way to New York. — Assaults a Nigger. — His Success. — Finds him a Delegate. — Resolutions. — Determined to be Suited 540 CLXVIII. A Futile Attempt to Ratify the JVomiuations at the Corners. The Decorations. — A Good Beginning. — Trouble. — Excited Discussion. — Nas- by's Safety. — The Terrible Ending 544 CLXIX. The Presidential Election. Bad News.— The Election of Grant. — Fate. — The Dark Future. — Mr. Bigler's Advice to the Deacon. — A Prophecy 548 CLXX. Mr. Nasby goes to New York, and establishes himself in Business. A Change of Base. — The Outfit. — His Friends Encourage Him. — Indulges in a Dream. — His Sign. — The Opening. — Nasby Treats tlic Crowd, and is a Pop- ular Man. — The Opening too Gorgeous. — Tha Awakening and Ending 551 CLXXI. Mr. Nasby and his Friends Consider the Question of Bread and Butter. A Discussion. — He Proposes to Settle Somewhere. — Distance an Object. — To his Friends. — Joe Bigler's Suggestions. — The Life of an Organ Grinder. — Objections^ — His Friends force Assistance on Him. — An Obstacle 555 CLXXII. Mr. Nasby Finds a New Business, which Promises Ample Profits. A Light. — A Prosperous Beginning. — His First Clients. — The Claim. — What is Loyalty? — A History of the Claims. — How it Was. — Another Outrage. — Numerous Claims at the Corners , 558 CLXXIII. The Ijast Outrage upon Kentucky — Passage of the Constitutional Amendment by the House. Nasby's Influence on the Right Side. — A Pleasant Picture. — Effect of the Out- rage on the Corners. — How it Was. — Majesty of the Law. — How it Will be. — Practice in Justice Pennibacker's Court. — A Weak Point in the Arai.'n"dment. — The Only Hope .' 561 CLXXIV. The Last Cabinet Meeting — The End of the John- son Keign. The Contrast. — A Moist Administration. — The Calm President. — His Last Acts. — The Leave Taken. — The Cabinet. — What will Become of Randall.— What the Rest will do. — The Magnanimous Johnson 565 CLXXV. Mr. Nasby Witnesses a Procession of the Sons of Erin. The Enthusiasm. — A Dream. — The Bimquct. — St. Gumbo. — Letters of Regret. — Mr."Nasby Regrets that he was not a Negro 570 CLXXVI. The Corners Outraged. A Crowning Disgrace. — A Nigger Assessor. — A Peculiarly Aegravating Case. — The Power he Wielded. —And How He Did it. — A Rich Assessor. — A Blind Government 574 CLXXVII. The Corners Have a Discussion as to the Matter of Car pet-Baggers. The Corners. — Alarm — A Meeting. — Speech of the Champion. — Free Discus- sion. — Joe Bigler's Speech. — The True Carpet-Bagger. — The Resolutions. — An Unexpected Turn. — A Light. — The Distinction. — A Definitiou 578 CONTENTS. 31 CLXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Nnrses the Labor Movement at the Corners. Enthusiastic Meeting. — The Protest. — The Negro Plasterer. — His Insolence. — Changes his Trade. — His Fate. — Nasby Proposes to Lead the Anti-Negro Movement 382 CLXXIX. Mr. Nasby and his Confreres hold a Commercial Convention at the Corners The Delegates and Officers. — The Letters of Regret. — A Resolution. — Black Sheep. — The Work Done. — Women at the Corners. — A Singular Omission. — The Convention Re-assembled. — Resolutions Passed .583 CLXXX. Mr. Nasby at last Loses his Post Office. Out of Office. — The Comers in Mourning. — A Sm.ill but Talented Procession. — The Negroes Up. — The Whiter L)own. — Trouble. — Nasby 's Bondsmen. — De- spair. — What he Proposes to do 590 CLXXXl. Mr. Nasby Receives a Letter from his Steadfast Friend. In Ohio. — A Letter from Home. — The Surroundin.irs at Pepper's. — A Mine Di.s- covered. — Trouble in Kentucky. — Affectionate Remembr.mee of Nasby at tlie Corners. — The Lack of Labor. — Bloated Bondholders. — The Bond Question. — How it was met. — Joe Bigler steps in. — Consistency 594 CLXXXII. Mr. Nasby attends a Convocation of the Democracy of New Yorlt. The Officers. — Resolutions. — What they .Wanted. —The Debate. — The Ameri- can Consul at New York 600 CLXXXIII. Settled at last — The City of New Yorlc to be his Final Resting- Place. The Dove. — The Harp of Erin. — He Serves the Party Best who Votes the Most. — ASuccessful Opening. — Precautionary Measure. — Speeches and Toasts.. . 602 CLXXXIV. Mr. Nasby Gives a Brief Account of his New Es- tablishment. The Trade. — Bad Company. — Terrence O'Sullivan. — Holds Office. — A Soft Thing. — Mr. O'SuUivan's Brother. — They Visit Sing-Sing. — Remonstrate with the Warden. — O'SuUivan's Determination. — Mr. Nasby Consoles and Encourages. — A Ray of Light. — Protection of the Democracy 605 CLXXXV. The Friends of Mr. Nasby hold a Meeting, and in- dnlge in a Wail over the Passage of the Fifteenth Amend- ment by the Ohio Legislature. , Meeting in the Sixth Ward. — Nasby Chairman. — What waj; Said. — The Effect in New York. — A Revolution. — An Unpleasant Reminder. — Nasby 's Plans and Prospects : .' 609 CLXXXVI. Mr. Nasby in a Despondent Frame of Mind. A Kentucky Conference. — Si.sns of the Times. — Preamble and Resolutions. — A Fearful Squabble. — Disappointment. — Recreant Senators 612 CLXXXVn. The Fifteenth Amendment. A Meeting. — Different Views of the Matter. — Resolutions Proposed by Nasby. — A New Departure. — Another Set of Resolutions. — The Prompt Action at the Harp of Erin 613 CLXXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Attempts to get Possession of the Negro Vote. After the Ethiopian. — An Ethiopian Secured. — The Second Ethiopian. — At last One is Cornered and Prepared. — The Failure. 619 CLXXXIX. A Few Last Words — The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them. Farewell. — Nasby's Experience Peculiar. — The Nigger Votes. — The Hope of Democracy. — Natural Provisions. — Words of Good Cheer. — Farewell 623 32 CONTENTS. LECTURES. I. "Cussid be Canaan." AH Men Free and Equal. — The Fathers of the Democratic Party. — How the Declaration Should Read. — Some Criticisms. — On Various Writers and the Bible.— Nigger and Negro. — Distinguished by"It" and "Him." — The Ha- ters of Nigger Equality. — Jefferson's Ignorance. — The Affair of Noah. — The Flood. — Indiscretion. — The Curse. — A Huge Devil. — Who are White Men? — Ham's Apology. — Beginning of Democracy. — A Blessed Curse. — What might have been. — How the Curse Didn't Work. — Nimrod. — Weak Spots. — More Difficulties. — The Extent of the Curse. — The Question of Color. — The Blackness Accounted for. — From the Kentucky Point of View. — From the Negro Point. — Matter of Heat. — Has its Advantages. — Location. — Descend- ants of Canaan.— The Tub. — An Ancestry. — Why the Curse was Believed in. — Its Convenience. —The Attempt to Kill the Curse. — Missionaries, Mis- called Pirates. — The Curse Killed. — The Audacity of the Canaanites. — How they Helped in the War. — Their Ingratitude. — Their Privileges at the South. — The Curse Abandoned. — Lee's Surrender. — Southern Modesty. — The Ne- gro not a Man. — The Bureau of Perfumery. — Ignorance. —The Troubles Encountered. — The Beast Theory. — Difficulties of it. — What Becomes of the Beast at Death. — The Black Face under a Blue Cap. — The Cowardice of the Republicans. — A Philosophical Truth. — How Shall We Dispose of the Ne- gro? — The Lion Prejudice. — What toOo. — Negroes in Office. — The People should have the Choice. — Man. — The Negro's Rights. — All Men Created Equal 629 II. The Struggles of a Conservative with the IVomaii (^nestion. A Conservative. — By Birth and Education. — The Ancients. — Woman. — What could we have done Without Her. — Her Position in the Past. — A Biblical State- ment. — Woman has the Advantage from the Start. — Eve. — Adam's Good Traits. — A Happy Family. — Intellectual Power. — More Biblical Statements. — How the Argument Works the Wrong Way. — Inferiority. — Mrs. Jezebel Ahab. — Pocahontas and Delilah. — The Conundrum Maker. — Bebekah. — Promptness. — Feminine Thought. — Female Disabilities. — The Woman's Proposition. — The Man's Answer. — A System Proposed. — The Troubles. — Every Woman should Marry. — Flying in the Face of Providence. — The Question of War. — The School Teacher. —The Question of Marriage. — Labor. — The Example of Young Men. — A Bit of Experience. — Continued. — What they Demand. — And Why. — A Ponderous Protest. — Dr. Buslmell's Reasons. — Peace. — What shall we do with it? — Applying the Remedy. — What should be done with it? — Customs Overturned. — For Humanity 660 III. " In Search of the Man of Sin." The Solo. — Mr. Nasby Mentions Himself. — The Imitation of Washington. — The Result. — His Wisdom. — Natural and Acquired. — An Excellent Man. — A Friend of Humanity. — And a Patriot. — The Beginning of the Search. — Where to Go. — The First Venture. —The Men of Sin in New York. — Requi- sites of a Wicked Man. — A Moral Reflection. —The Influence of the Men.— In Washington. — Cadetships. — The Sober Member. — The Extreme Radicals. —The Troubled Thompson. — Management in Politics. — Jencks andRetbrm.— The Fr.inking Privilege. — A Conundrum. — The Way to Repeal. — More Co- nundrums. — In New Jersey. — Becomes somewhat Orthodox. — A Monopoly. An Anecdote. — How Much He Found. — The Reformers. — Forming a Society. — Woman. — His Faith Shaken. — Another Anecdote. — A Sagacious but Wicked Young Lady. — Feminine Extravagance. — Return. — What he Finds at Home. — Estimating Sin. — Bibney and Mrs. Swan. — Messrs. Bloch and Kitt. — Political Sin at Home. — The Pure Cicero. — Searches Himself. — A Wife's Faults. — The Reform. — A Closer Investigation. — The Man of Sin Known. — Encouraging Remarks to other People 687 THE ISTASBY LETTERS. I. AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH. CoNPEDBiT X Roads 1 (Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,) >■ Jan. 29, 1872. ) »To THE Publisher: Enclosed find photograff uv myself, ez you desired. To make a strikin picter, I flung myself into the attitood, and assoomed the expreshun wich mite hev bin observed onto my classikle countenance when in the act uv deliverin my justly celebrated sermon, " The wages uv Sin is Death." The $2.00 wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter wuz, I regret to sa)', insuffishent. The picter cost 75 cents, and it took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's newest whisky, to stiddy my nerves to the pint uv undergoin the agony uv sittin three minits in front uv the photograffer. I need not say that he is a incendiary from Massachoosets. Ez the deceased Elder Gavitt's son, Issaker, hez expressed a burnin desire to possess his apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very shortly require his expulsion. But I hed my revenge — in his pocket is none uv my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told him I Avood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those who knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I wood call and pay for it afore he left the Corners. Will I do it? Will this picter-takin Ablishnist ever more behold me ? Ekko ansers. 3 33 3i PRECOCIOUS BOYHOOD. Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by draft on Noo York, or money order, at my resk. I WTiz born in the year 1806, at — I will not say where. I hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace. I don't want to set any town in that State up in biznis. That town hez gone loonatic, and gives Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate, and I don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel reputashen. 1 don't want to double the price uv its property — to be the means uv erectin a dozen, or sich a matter, uv fust class hotels to accommodate the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither to visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the house into wich I first opened my eyes onto a world uv sin, is a Ablishnist of the darkest dye, and I hev no desire to enrich him. Never, by word uv mine, shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks and bnzziim pins. My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knollege and musk- rats, mostly the latter. I wuz a promisin child. My parence wuz Democrats uv the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler. She hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic with a hatred that i never saw ekalled. When I say that she woodent borrer tea and sugar and sich uv Whig nabers, the length, and breadth, and depth of her Dimocrisy will be understood. From sheer cussidnis I shood hev probably hov bin a Whig, hed not a insident occurred in my boyhood days, wich satisfied me that the Dimocrisy wuz my approprit and nateral abidin- place. It wuz in this wise : In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a grosery, and appropriatid, ez a jest, what loose change ther wuz in the drawer (alars ! in these degenerit days uv paper currency, the enterprisin theef hez to steel at 10 per cent, discount), and sich other notions ez struck my boyish lancy. I indoost a nigger boy, sumwhat younger than myself, to aid me, and when we hed bagged the game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun hevin the proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly tliro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence made law, to-wit : that the nigger hez no rites which the white man is bound to respeck, whaled him till he resined the entire pro- ceeds uv the spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch, BRIEF SKETCH OF A PARENT. 35 devoid uv every prinsiple uv honor, blowed on me, iand we wuz both arrested. The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig ! and after a hurried eggsaminashen, he sentenst me ! wun uv his own race ! uv his own blood ! uv his own pareutige ! to impriznment for THIRTY DAYS ! on bred and water, and the nigger to only- ten, on the ground that I wuz the cheef offender ! My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a stremin down her venrable cheeks faster than she cood wipe em up with her gingum apern, that the arrangement mite be reverst : — the nigger the 30 and I the 10 — but no ! Cold ez a stun, inflexi- ble ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid, and stayed my time. Sullenly I emerged from them walls, on the evenin uv the 30th day, a changed indivijooel. Liftin my hands to heven, I vowd three vows, to-wit : 1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv redoosin the Afrikin to his normal speer. 2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn into wich I cood steel with- out bein hauled up fer it. 3. That the water I bed consoomed while in doorance vile, wuz the last that wood ever find its way, undilootid, into my stumick. Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever eggsamines my record, will find that I hev kep my oaths ! Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father wuz a leadin man in the humble speer in which he moved, holdin, at different times, the various ofiices in the town up to consta- ble, the successive steps bein road supervisor and pound master. He wuz elected constable, and mite probably hev gone higher, but for an accident that occurred to him the first month. He collected a judgment for $18, and the money wuz paid to him. The good man wuz a talented collector, but wuz singlerly careless in payin over what he collected. Ez showin the pekoolier bent uv genuis uv the old man, I repeet a con- versashen I wunst heerd. A man who hed an account to col- lect, wuz consultin one who knowd my father well, ez to the safety uv puttin a claim into his hands. " Is he a good collector V " askt the man. 36 HIS ECCENTRICITIES. " Splendid ! " sed the nabe'r. " Is he a man uv responsibility ? " askt the man. « Sir ! " sed the nahet, " he hez the ability, but ydo'll find, when ybo try to git yoor money out uv\ his hands, that he lacks the response." Codd ther hfev bin a more tetchin triboot? He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His ability was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff, who didn't admire sich erratic flites, raised a tuckshen about the paltry sum, and my father " PbWed His tent like the Arabs, And ez silently stole away." From that time out, the old gentleman migrated — in fact, he lived mostly on the road. He adopted movin ez a per- feshun, and a very profitable one he made uv it. When his boss died, the nabora, rather than not hev him move^ wood chip in and raise him another. Appreshiatin the compliment they pade him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities uv my ancestor, becoz " The lives uv all gratfe men remind us We may make our lives sublime, And, departin, leave behind us — " ef our taleiit runs in that direckshun, ez rbany debts ez he did, though it does require espeshel talents. This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind., I saw not only a great deal uv the country, but much uv mankind, and I acquired ^hat adaptability to circumstances Wich hez ever distinguished me. Even to this day, ef I can't git gin 1 take Whiskey without a murmur and without repinin. My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may say, without egotism, I hev been a yooseful member uv that party. 1 voted for Jacksdn seven times, and for every suc- ceedin Dimocratic candidate ez many times ez possible. My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed until I arrived at the age uv twenty-four. My father m'uz intimately acquainted with me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez tho he hed bin the friend uv my bilzzum. One day, oz I wuz a layin on A MA«^s^ — y. ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. Columbus, ,0., June the 21st, 1862. I wtTZ onto my way to Columbus to attend the annooal gatherin uv the faithful at that city, a dooty I hev religusly performd for over 30 yeres. Ther wuz but wun seat vakent in the car, and onto that I sot down. Presently a gentleman carryin uv a carpit-bag sot down beside me, and we to-wunst Oberlin College became famous through its resolve to admit colored stu- dents to its privileges on an equality with white students. It was not with- out a severe struggle that this position was taken by the Board of Trustees, in which, after many stormy discussions, the vote was carried by the casting vote of the President, Rev. John Kjbef. Imo^ediately after this action was takeo in ANNIHILATES AN O'BERLINITE. 45 commenst caiiversashen. After discussin the crops, the weath- er, et settry, I askt wher he resided. " In OberMn," sez he. " Oberlin ! " ahreekt I. " Oberlih ! wher Ablishnism nms rartipant — wher a nigger is 100 per dent, better nor a white man — wher a mulatto is a objik uv pity on account uv hevin white blood ! Oberlin ! that stonest the Dimekratik prophets, and woodeiit be gathered under Vallandygum's wings as a hen-hawk gathereth chickens, at no price ! Oberlin, that gives all the profits uv her college to the support uv the underground railroad — " "But—'* sez he. " Oberlin," continyood I, ^' that feskoos niggers, and sets at defiance the benificent laws for takin on em back to their kind and hevenly-tninded masters ! Oberlin 1 — " " My jentle freiid," sez he, " Oberlin don't dd nuthin uv the kind. Yoo've bin misinformd. Oberlin respex the laws, and hez now a body uv her gallant sons in the feeld a fightiii to maintane the Constooshn." " A fightin to maintane the Constooshn," retortid I. " My frend " (and I spoke impressivly), " ho Oberlin man is a doin any sich thing. Oberlin commenst this war. Oberlin wuz the prime cause uv all the trubble. What wuz the beginnin uv it? 1836, about two hundred students from Lane Seminary, near Cincinnati, who had " rebelled " against an order of that institution not to discuss the slavery question, came to Oberlih to pursue their studies. From that day Oberlin be- came a centre of anti-slarery influence. Its professors were men of reputation for learning and moral worth, and were earnestly identified with the anti-slavery cause. Theodore D. Weld and other eloquent orators of that period gave lectures to the students, and they, in turn, went out to scatter the light they had gathered. ~Thu^ Oberlin became an objett of intense and bitter hatred on the part of pro-slavery men and pro-slavery parties. At one time its charter was threatened with repeal by the Ohio legislature on account of its reformatory character. Among the more ignorant and prejudiced portion of the Demo- cratic party, an intensely bitter animosity to Oberlin, its teachers, and its stu- dents, was exhibited. The most monstrous stories of amalgamation were fab- ricated and believed in many localities. Oberlin, however, continued to move forward in its progressive and prosperous career, and vindicated itself most tri- umphantly from all the aspersions of its adversaries. Nor was it ever overrun by negroes, as it was predicted it would be. It has never had more than five 6r six per cent, of colored students, tlio..,,'! they have always received a most cordial welcome at its gates. 46 THE EFFECT OF OBERLIM IDEAS. Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the territories — Oberlin objectid. They wantid Kansas for ther blessid instooshn — Oberlin agin objecifs. They sent colonies with muskits and sich, to hold the territory — Oberlin sent two thousand armed with Bibles and Sharp's rifles — two instooshns Dimokrasy cood never stand afore — and druv em out. They wantid Breckinridge fer President. Oberlin refused, and elektid Linkin. Then they seceded ; and why is it that they still hold out ? " He made no anser. " Becoz," continyood I, transfixin him with my penetratin gaze, " Oberlin won't submit. We might to-day hev peese ef Oberlin wood say to Linkin, ' Resine ! ' and to Geff Davis, ' Come up higher ! ' When 1 say Oberlin, understand it ez figgerative for the entire Ablishn party, wich Oberlin is the fountin- head. There's wher the trouble is. Our Suthern brethren wuz reasonable. So long as the Dimokrasy controlled things, and they got all they wanted, they wuz peeceable. Oberlin ariz — the Dimokrasy wuz beet down, and they riz up agin it." Jest exsactly eighty-six yeres ago, akordin to Jayneses Al- manac, a work wich I perooz annually with grate delite, the Amerykin eagle (whose portrate any wun who possessis a 5- cent peece kin behold) wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty bein its mother, the Spirit uv Freedom its sire, Thomas Jefferson actin ez physician on the occasion. The proud bird growd ez tho it slept on guano — its left wing dipt into the Pacific, its rite into the Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady, while his ma- jestik tale cast a shadder ore the Gulf. Sich wuz the eagle up to March, '61. What is his condishn now ? His hed hangs, his tale droops, ther's no strength in his talons. What's the trouble ? Oberlin. He hed been fed on nigger for yeres, and hed thrived on the diet. Oberlin got the keepin uv him — she withholds his nateral food ; and onless Oberlin is whaled this fall, down goes the eagle. Petroleum V. Nasby. MAKES A CANDIDATE " UT HIS8ELP." 47 VI. MAKES A CANDIDATE " UV HISSELF." To THE DiMOKRASY VY THE CouNTY : I announse myself ez a candidate for ary one uv the offices to be filled this autum, subgik, uv coarse, to the decishun uv the Convenshun. In makin this anouncement, I feel it due my Dimekratik brethrin, that 1 stait the reasons for takin this step. They run ez follows : , 1st. I want a offis. 2d. 1 need a offis. 3d. , A offis wood suit me ; therfore, 4th. I shood like to hev a offis. 1 make no boasts uv what my speshel claims are, but I hev dun the party sum servis. My fust vote I cast for that old Dimekrat, Androo Jackson. For him I voted twict, and I hev also voted for every Dimekratik candidate sence. I hev fought and bled lor the coz, hev voted ez often ez three times at one elekshun, and hev alluz wore mournin around my eyes for three weeks after each campane. I hev alluz rallid to the poles early in the mornin, and hev spent the entire day a bringin in the agid and infirm, and in the patryotik biznis uv knockin down the opposition voters. No man hez drunk more whisky than I hev for the pai-ty — none hez dun it moar will- ingly. Twict, in going thro campanes, hev I brot myself to the very verge uv delirium tremins a drinkin the terrific elekshun whisky pervided by our candidates, but the coz demandid the sacrifis, and I made it ez cherefuUy ez tho my stumic hed been copper-lined, which, unfbrtunitly, it is not. Ez for my services in this line, let my nose, which has trooly blossomed like the lobster, speak for itself. " Rum hez its triumphs ez the water hath, And this is wun uv em." . My politikle principles are sound. I am opposd to a nash- nel bank, and am unmitigatedly in favor uv free trade. I ap- proved uv the last war with Great Britain, and hev sence seen 48 STATES HIS PodrrloK. no reason to change my views on that subgik. On the war queshun my views are ez follows: Bein a naytiv uv this Republic, and hevin livd under the Stars and Stripes, I am in favor uv maintainin the Guverment, and puttin down the rebelyun, and will aid the Guverment in doin it, in all consti- tooshnal ways. But, after a keerful readin uv my papers^ I kin find no constitooslmal warrant for half what is bein dun. I am in favor uv a war for the Union ez it used to was, and the Constitooshn ez I'd like to hev it ; but a war uv subgugashen — never ! Hents, I am opposed to all this military biznis. Ef a citizen uv Virginny shoots a citizen uv Ohio, let him be arrested, taken before the nearest Justis uv the Peese, and bound over to court. That's the only way to do it. I regard confistikashen as unconstitooshnel, and ez for emansi'pashen, words cant express my disgust at the bare ijee. Wat ! is armies to march forth, under the good old flag, for the purpus uv destroyin an institooshn guaranteed by the Constitooshn, and wich hez enabled the grate Dimekratik party to controle the destinies uv this republic for mor'n thirty yeres ? Ferbid it, hevin ! The follerin resolushens, wich I drawd up, show percisely wat I bleeve : — Besolved, That we are now, eggsackly as we alluz hev bin, the devoted friends uv the Union ez it used to be wen us uns and our breethrin uv the South run the masheen, and we'd be thenderin glad to see it restord agin. Besolved, That evry dictate uv patertism reqwires that, in the fight we hev afore us, the Dimokrasy shood present a un- broken front ; and therefore, ez differenses may arize amongst us, the General Committee shel, fnim time to time, inform the county committies wat the people is expectid to beleve, that we may talk alike in all parts uv the country. Besolved, That the Abolishn party, by ther denunsiashn uv President Davis, hev shown that they hev no regard for our feelins or hizn, and hev exhibited a bitterness towards our misgided Suthrin brethrin, that demonstraits their onfitness to hold eny place ^ver they kin hev an opportunity to injure them. Besolved. "T^^-it the stait uv Massy chusits is ornery and cussed. That the annimosity exhibited by her men, in the lait WHICH IS COMPREHENSIVE. 49 fites afore Richmond, towards our rnisgided Snthrin brethrin, is wat mite be expektid frum a state that hez no Dimekrats, and where every body redes and rites. Resolved. That, while rebels shood be pnnisht, we are opposed to confisticashun er emansipashun in any shaip ; becoz it isnt constooshnal ; becoz the South wood be made more desprit, and moar uv em wood be killed, wich wood lessen Dimekratik majoritis in them states ; and becoz it wood hev a tendency to make em madder nor they air. On the absorbin question uv nigger I am sound. I am opposed to amaigamashun, and am in favor uv prohibitin any wench from marryin any wun hevin a visable admixter uv white blud. I am ferninst allowin niggers to come into the North, and am in favor uv expellin the thirty-two milyuns now here. To force em away, I wood make it a penny tenshiary offence to be shaved by a nigger, and wood regulate the price uv barberin by law, that white men mite be indoost to go into the biznis. Ez for other pints uv nashenel and stait policy, my paper dident cum last nite, and consequently I am somewhat at a loss. In county matters I shel follow closely the footsteps uv my predecessers. I shel be keerful uv the funds, and shel apply jest ez much ez possible to the grate work uv bildin up the Dimekratik party ; alluz, uv coarse, reservin enuff to buy me a moderit farm at the close uv my term. I aint partickeler ez to wat offis I hev. I am willin to serve ez Treasurer, Sheriff, Commishener, or Coroner -^ tho I cood do the party more good ez Treasurer than in any other posi- slien. Money cozes the female hoss to amble. In conclushen, fellow Dimekrats, I hev to say, ef nominated, all rite ; ef not, I shel abide by the result ez cherefully ez my temper will allow. Petroleum V. Nasbx 4 50 SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DEAFTED. VII. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED. August the 6th, 1862. I SEE in the papers last nite that the Goverment hez insti- tooted a draft, and that in a few weeks sum hundreds uv thou- sands uv peeceable citizens will be dragged to the tented field. I know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I cant go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus nor madnis for me to undertake a campane, to- wit: — 1. I'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to wear a wig these 22 years. 2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around my venerable temples. 3. I hev a kronic katarr. 4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv wun eye entirely, and hev kronic inflammashen in the other. 5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly rite, and I hev hed bronkeetis 3 1 yeres last Joon. At present I hev a koff, the paroxisms uv wich is friteful to behold. 6. I'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and hev allnz hed pains in my back and side. 7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss. The money I hev paid (or promist to pa)'), for Jayneses karmin- nytiv balsam and pills wood astonish almost enny body. 8. I am rupchered in nine places, and am entirely enveloped with trusses. 9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swellin on wun leg and a fever sore on the uther ; also wun leg is shorter than tother, though 1 handle it so expert that nobody never noticed it. 10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood pre- vent me from marchin. I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are aginst One of the most surprising results of the conscription was the amount of disease disclosed among men between " eighteen and forty-five," in districts where quotas could not be raised by volunteering. IN CANADA. 51 the prossekooshn uv this uuconstooshnel war, wood hev any wate with a draftin orfiser ; but the above reesons whj' I cant go, will, I make no doubt, bo suffishent. Petroleum V. Nasby. VIII. IN CANADA.' Bkest, Kanada West, August the 20th, 1862. After more advenchers than wood fill a book, I am here in Kanada, safe under the protectin tail uv the British Lion, where no draftin orfiser kin molest nor make me afraid. Hal- leloogy ! I never shood hev taken this step hed a good, sound, con- stooshnel doctor bin appinted Medical Bggsaminer ; fer I hev twict ez menny diseases ez wood hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz afeerd the Bggsaminer woodent see em, ez he aint much uv a physician anyhow ; besides, he votes the Union tickit, and hez, uv coarse, prejudisis. The Commissioner is a bloody The exodus of peace Democrats to escape the draft was one of the most ludicrous, and at the same time humiliating developments of the war. Can- ada, being the nearest and most accessible point beyond the jurisdiction of the government, received a number of those who fled from duty, but probably the greater part concealed themselves among their native hills, or went to other states. It was amusing to witness the desire for travel which seized men, and the sudden inclination to visit distant relatives which sprang up. Eastern men had urgent business calling them to the west, and western men had interests at stake in the east which demanded immediate attention. In some of the hill districts there were rendezvous of these men in caves and huts, and there were instances in which some resistance was made to officers sent to arrest them. These, no doubt, endured more hardships and experienced more fear than would have resulted from serving a term in the army. But their experiences and the internal history of their flight from duty will probably never be written, as the subject is one to which they do not care to allude. One party ran away from a township in Hancock County, Ohio, swam the dangerous river at Detroit, Mich., and subsisted for months chopping cord-wood for the negroes residing in the vicinity of Windsor. They were excessively chagrined, on their return, to hear that they had taken all this risk and endured all this hardship for noth" ing, for their township, having raised its quota, was never drafted ! 52 THE HEGIRA OP THE INVALIDS. Ablishnist ; and I owe him a store bill wich hez stood about 8 years. I protest agin all sich appintments. I left, in company with five other invalids, wun nite, a little after the " witchin hour uv 12 M.," ez Shakspeer hez it, and any wun beholdin our faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum " church-yard yawned " jest previously. We traveld all nite,* " sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust " in a bottle wich I, with my usual foresite, took along, together with two and one third yards uv bolony sassige, wich 1 alluz use ez a thirst- provoker. We met no interrupshen till we got within five miles uv Toledo (wich we did by 5 P. M. uv the next day — wich, permit me to remark, wus good travelin fer sich de- billytatid cusses), when we wuz stopt by a pickit-gard uv the " Anti-draftin Invalid League," who remarkt : " Who goes there ? " "A invalid," sez I. " A Peece invalid ? " sez he. " Ther aint no other kind," sez 1 ; whereupon sez he, " Yoor a man uv sence ; " a fact uv wich I hed been long aware. I presented my liquid consiliater, when he informed me that Toledo wuz closely watcht, that escape by steemer was im- possible, and that a small boat was our only chance. He took us to the lake shore, fnrnisht us a boat, and, jest as the sun wuz a sinkin behind the golden horizon, I bid my nativ land adoo. I need not dwell upon the perils uv that terrible passage. Suffice it to say, that, for invalids, we rowed well, and finally landed at the little village uv Brest, wher we now are. Two hundred peece men are here, and I must acknowledge that we are not treeted with that distinguished consideration usually accordid political eggsiles.' Fer instance, at the tavern where I board, the parlor is partikelerly pleasent, and I wuz a settin into it. In trips a girl, purty enuff for a man whose taste wuz not vishiated to eat. " Shel I shet down this window, sir?" sez she. "Why shet it down, gentle maid?" retorts I, lookin sweet onto her. " Because," replide she, " I thot perhaps, the draft was too much for ye." A few slavish Kanajens, who set there, laft. The landlord required a month's pay in advance, and a further deposit uv 25 cents per eggsile, as sekoority fer the pewter spoons wich we hev at table. To cap the climacks, last nite a big nigger was put into each uv IS FINALLY DRAFTED. 53 our rooms, and we were forced to sleep with em, or okkepy 'the floor, wich I did. The cussid nigger laft all nite, in a man- ner trooly aggravatin to hear. Petroleum V. Nasby. P. S. — Tell my wife to send sich money as she earns, to me, as livin is high, and ther aint no tick. The township kin support her and the childern. IX. IS FINALLY DKAFTBD. Camp dv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt Meltsht, Toledo, October the 17th, 1862. I AM here, clad in the garb uv slaivry ! Nasby, clothed in a bobtailed bloo coat, a woolin , shirt, and bloo pants, with a Oysteran muskit in his hands, a going thro the exercise ! Good hevings ! wat a spectacle ! The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more I'd visit my native land. Gaily I stept abord the boat that was to carry me from British shores — gaily I say, for my mone)' hed given out some weeks afore, and I hed earned a precarious sub- sistence a sawin wood in pardnership with a disgustin mulatto, and I lookt forward with joyful antisepashens to the time when I should agen embrace Looizer Jane (the pardner uv my buzzum), and keep my skin perpetooally full uv the elickser uv life, out uv her washin money. Joyfully I sprang off the boat onto the wharf at Toledo, when a hevy hand was laid onto my shoulder. Twas a soljer 1 The follerin conversashen ensood : " Wat wantest thow, my gentle friend ? " " I want yoo, my gay Kanajen." " On wat grounds ? " retortid I. " On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft," sez he. " Yoor mistaken," sez I ; " I'm a Ablishnist — a emissary. 1 54 A RAY OP LIGHT. hev bin a spredin the bread uv life among the poor colored brethrin in Kanady, and am jest returnin to run thro another lot. Let me pass, I entreat thee, nor stay me in my good work." " Not much," sez he. " I know better. Yoor a butternut.!' " How knowst thou ? " sez I. " Yoor nose," sez he. " That bucheus beeknn lite wuz never got out uv spring water." " Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too much for me. I confess, and surrender at discreshun — do with me ez thou wilt." And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz allowed to volunteer to fite against my convickshens — against my breth- ren, who hev taken up arms in a rightous coz. So be it. Hentzforth the name uv Nasby will shine in the list uv marters. Amid the dark, deep gloom that envellups me, wun ray uv light strikes me. I hev seen the eleckshun returns, and wee I seed em, I yelled Hallelogy ! Me and another victim uv Linkin's tyranny, who is a Dimekrat (he wuz a postmaster under Bookannon, and wen removed by Linkin, dident give up the balance uv money he had on hand, fearin.twood be used to subvert our free instooshns), hed a jubilee. We smuggled a bottle uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly. " The North's redeemed ! " showtid I. " Let the eagle screme ! " yelled he. " The Quakers hev votid ! " showtid I. " Ablishnism dead ! " screemed he. " Dimokrasy's triumphed ! " laft I ; and so on, until after midnite, when, completely' eggsaustid, we sank into slumber, with a empty bottle atween us. Petroleum V. Nasby. P. S. — Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see her again — that shood it be my fate to perish on the battle-field, amid the rore uv battle and the horrors uv missellaneous carnage, my last thot, ez life ebbs slowly away, shall be uv her ; and ask her if she can't send me half or three quarters uv the money she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs fritefuUy here. P. V. N. DESERTS — HIS EXPEEIENCE IN CLOTHES. 55 X. DESERTS — HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES. Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, > November the 1st, 1862. j I HEV deserted, and am now a soljer uv the Confederacy. Jest ez soon ez our regiment struck Suthrin sile, I made up my mind that my bondage wuz drawin to a close — that I wood seeze the fust oppertoonity uv escapin to my nateral frends, — the soljers uv the sunny South. Nite before last I run the guard, wuz shot at twice (reseevin two buck-shot jest below the hind buttons uv my coat), but by eggstrordinary luck I escaped. Had infantry bin sent after me I shood hev bin taken, for I am not a fast runner ; but the commandant uv the post wuz new at the biznis, and innocently sent cavalry. Be- tween the hossis they rode, and the stoppin to pick up them ez coodent stick onto ther flyin steeds, I hed no difficulty in outrunnin em. At last I encounterd the pickits uv the Looisiana Pelicans, and givin myself up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the tyrant Linkin, wuz to-wunst taken afore the kernel. I must say, in this conneckshun, that I wuz surprised at the style uv uniform worn by the Pelicans. It consists uv a hole in the seet uv the pants, with the tale uv the shirt a wavin gracefully therefrom. The follerin colloquy ensood : — Deserters from the Federal army went chiefly in two directions. The greater part of the unwilling conscripts fled to Canada, but there were some in the earlier stages of the war who not only deserted, but went over to the enemy. These belonged to that class who were willing " to fight as they voted," to use a campaign phrase which obtained during the wa^. As the number of conscripts increased, the deserters were proportionately more frequent, but the number of those who deserted to the enemy steadily decreased as the eorttest proceeded, until, during the last year of the war, this species of desertion ceased entirely. The desperate straits of the Confederates made the field uninviting, and for a year or two before the collapse of the rebellion, the condition of the rebel army was scarcely worse than that described in the text. However much some of the conscripts may have desired the success of the rebellion, and what- ever hardship they may have been willing to undergo " for principle," they were not willing to exchange a comfortable suit of blue for a cast-off suit of rebel gray, nor a certain supply of rations for the precarious and inferior subsistence furnished the Confederate armies. 56 THE EPISODE OF THE UNIFOKM. " To what regiment did yoo belong ? " " 776th Ohio." " Volunteer or draftid ? " « Draftid." " Yoor name ? " " Nasby, Petroleum V." I notist all this time the kernel wuz eyein my clothes wistful- ly. I had jest drawd em, and they wuz bran-new. Sez the kernel : — " Mr. Nasby, 1 reseeve you gladly ez a recroot in the Grand Army uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest yoorself uv the clothes uv the tyrant, divest yerself uv whatever lingrin aifecshuns yoo may hev fer the land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yerself in the gai'b uv a Suthrin soljer, try to fill yer sole with that Suthrin feelin that animates us all. Jones," sed he, addressin his orderly, " is Thompson dead yit ? " " Not quite," sez the orderly. ^ " Never mind," sez the kernel, " he cant git well uv that fever ; strip oif his uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry him." I judgd, from the style uv the uniforms I saw on the men around me, that I wood rather keep my own, but I sed nothin. When the orderly returned with the deceest Thompson's uni- form, I groaned innardly. There wuz a pair uv pants with the seat entirely torn away, and wun leg gone below the knee, A shoe with the sole off, and the straw he had wrapped around the other foot, and a gray woolen shirt. Sez the kernel : " Don't be afeered uv me, Nasby. Put on yer uniform rite here." Reluctantly, I pulled off my new dubble-soled boots, and I wuz petrified to see the kernel kick off the shppers he wore, and pull em on. I pulled ofi" my pants — he put em on, and so on with every article uv dress I possest, even to my warm overcoat and blankit. Sez the kernel : " These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guvment, to which I shel akount for them. Report yoorself to-wunst to Captin Smith." Ez I passed out, the lootenant-kernel, majer, and adjutent pulled me to wun side, and askt me " ef I coodent git three CAPTURES A TURKEY. 57 more to desert." Wun glance at their habillyments showd why they wuz so anxious fer deserters. I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care uv his soljers than Davis does. The clothin I hev described. Instid uv reglar rashens, we are allowed to eat jest whatever we can steal uv the planters, and, ez mite be expectid, we hev becum won- derfiilly expert at pervidin ; but, ez the Pehcans hev bin campt here three months, the livin is gittin thin. Yet a man kin en- door almost any thing for principle. Petroleum V. Nasby. XI. CAPTURES A TURKEY. Camp uv the Looisian a Pelicans, ) November the 15th, 1862. ) Nasby still lives, though I must say its rayther tite nippin. The servis uv the Suthrin Confedracy wood be ez pleasent ez any military life cood be, were it not for three things, to-wit : 1. We hev nothin to eat. 2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament than use, con- sistin cheefly uv holes with rags around em — an appropriate summer costoom, but rayther airy for this season. 3. Our pay is irreglar, and not jest ez good in quality ez cood be wished. Per instance. Our regiment hezzent reseevd a cent fer eight months, and ther wuz much grumblin, wich cum to the ears uv the kernel. " The men murmur, do they ? " sed he to his adjutent. " Their complaints is just, and they shel be paid their just dooze. Is ther a printin offis in the town ? " " Ther is," retorts the adjutent. " Go take possession uv it in the name uv the Confedrit States, and seeze whatever paper he may hev on hand. The feithful Pelicans must be paid." 58 The next day every wun uv the men bed his haversack stufft with money, each wun takin ez much ez he judgd he cood use. It does very well, except that it gives the grocery- keepers much trouble, as they take it by weight — a $1 bein wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that the $20 is a trifle the lar- gest, and weighs more. An incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in the immejit visinnity uv a planter's barn, who hed bin suspectid uv Union- ism. I saw a turkey, capchered it, and indulged all the way into camp into the pleasant idee that, fer the fust time in two months, I wood hev a stumic-distendin dinner. Ez I entered camp I met the kernel, who, ez his eagle eye caught the proud bird I held, spoke, say in, — " Ha ! a turkey ! Wher gottist thow him ? " " I capcherd him at Johnson's," replied I. " Fat and young," mused he, feelin uv him ; and then, lookin up, thus he did say : " My venerable patriot (he allooded to my gray hairs), this bird belonged to a Union man, and all sich property taken by the army belongs, uv coarse, to the gover- ment. Yoo will forthwith take it to my quarters." Not hevin eaten any thing for 18 hours, I determined to make wun effort for my turkey. Sez I : " Admittin the bird belongs to the goverment," sez I, " I may retane him, I sup- pose, by payin his valyoo," and I tendered him a handful uv the money we hed reseeved that mornin. " Not so fast, my aged hero," sed he. " The goverment needs turkeys more than it does money. Money we kin make, but yoo must be aware that, without a material alterashen in our anatomikle structure, the makin uv a turkey by us is a im- possibility. Leave the property at my quarters." * * * That nite I passed the kernel's quarters. Ther wuz a sound uv revelry within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner as- sailed my nostrils. The next mornin I saw the kernel's dorg a chawin the bones uv that goverment turkey. Petroleum V. Nasby. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MAUEUGE. 59 XII. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE. Camp xjv the Looisiana Pelicans, ) November the 11th, 1862. 5 I AM here, and mizrable ! I am not less than 213 per cent, more mizrable than I used to be! I consoomd two hours uv the Sutherin Confedracy's time, and a 12-foot board, assertainin the eggsact increese uv misery wich I am engoyin, with the above result. Wen I wuz draftid, I wuz'nt particularly dissatisfied. My posishen wuz becomin precarious. Looizer Jane (the wife uv my buzum) had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wasting the money she reseevd fer washin on bread and clothes fer the childern, and misunderstandins and coolnisses ensood. I whaled her in the afternoon, when she wuz tired, and she whaled me in the mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had I expendid the energy and strength consoomd in whalin Looizer Jane in choppin cord-wood, I mite hev owned a farm. I then tried the credit system, but the unanimity with which the bar- keepers all remarkt that " that thing wuz played out," wuz trooly surprisin to the undersined. Knowin that I cood at any time desert to my Suthern frends, I felt satisfied at bein draftid. Sence my enrollment in the ranks uv the Pelicans, the romance uv the thing hez departid. Nothin to eat, nothin to wear, no money, and hard work. This is our fix. The plump, rosy Nasby is no more — anserin to his name is a lean individual, upon whose nose a bullet cood be split. I determined to better myself by marriage. The idee wuz sejestid by our second corpral, who interdoost me to a widder lady who lived jest out uv town — the owner uv two thousand akers. The akers inspired me, and I prest my soot with vigger and arder. In a week the thing wuz dun. I caught the regimental chaplin sober enufl' wun nite, and we wuz married. 60 THE RESULT OP THE SPECULATION. Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I contemplatid my planta- shen, and wept teers uv joy. Suddenly m / happiness bustid. The sargent informed me that my wife — the future sharer uv my joys and sorrers — wuz a octoroon, one-eighth nigger ! — that she wuz a slave left iu^ charge by her mistress, and that the corpral did it jest for a goak ! A purty goak to play upon a Dimekrat ! Nasby marryin a nigger ! My views hev changed on the slavery question. Amalgama- shen is the cuss uv slavery. The blacks hev bleached and bleached, until it is almost impossible to distinguish the slave from his owner. Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat then ? Wen the slave is ez white ez his master, wat are yoo goin to do? Slavery, like a man with a tape-worm, hez within itself the ele- ments necessary to its destruction. Amalgamashen is the tape-worm uv slavery. Petroleum V. Nasby. XIII. CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER. Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, December the 11th, 1862. I HED a conversashen tother day with a fellow-defender uv the rites uv the South, wich ruther startled me. I wuz a holdin forth, with my yoosual ability, on the blessidnis uv slavery, and wuz, uv coarse, quotin hevy from skripter to defend my position. A member uv our company interruptid me by remarkin that nacher hed spiled a great rascal in me by not contributin a suflSshent amount uv brains. He continued his remarks : " Nasby," says he, " I know slavery is a cuss — a onmitty- gated cuss. I hed 18 niggers, and they kept me as poor as a skim-railk cheese. The hogs eat the corn, the niggers eat the hogs, and I lived on what they left. To defend my property ' in these niggers, we seceshed and startid a new guvment. The new guvment took the corn, the hogs, the niggers, and CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER. 61 finally took me. My oldest dawter run off with wun defender iiv the flag, my wile with another, and my youngest childern is livin with sum niggers to old for the guverment to take. I've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there's any more comin to me, give em to some poor person as needs em. I'm jest more'n rollin in a perfooshn uv that kind uv wealth." "But," sezi — " Ther aint no huts," sez he. " Yoo're a Northern man, and don't hev niggers. Don't defend nigger. Bf I hev the itch, I may sware that itch is a good thing ; but wat sense is ther in yoor swarin it, onasked and for nothin. Sech stratejy borders closely on lunacy. Let us squeeze our own biles — don't yoo do it gratooitous. Appolygize for your own sins — don't shoulder ourn. I may be mean for my own profit, but to act dirty for another man's use, and hev him kick ye lor doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun. Durn all sich men." - And he stfiwkt indignantly away. 1 hev reseevd more letters from trends in my wunst happy but now distractid home than I kin anser separately. I shel do it all to-wunst, thus : John M. — Shoemakin wood be a splendid biznis here, only ther aint no leather. Practice half-solin with straw before yoo start. W. Gr. — The pay uv a member uv the Mississippi Legislater is $6 per diem, evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent, bonds, redeemable at the pleasure uv the guverment any time within two centuries. Come along. Almost anybody kin git ofEs in this state. P. N. — Ther is a good openin for a watchmaker here. I am the only mechanic in this section uv Mississippy. I fixt the kernel's watch yisterday ; forged a mane-spring out uv a baynet, and for a chane used a fiddle-string. It don't jest keep time, but ez it ticks, it ansers to bet on poker with. Fetch sum lard ile ; tar won't work on watches, even in this warm climate. Amos. — The success uv our goverment is shoor. Finances hez troubled us, but our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez bought two fast printin-presses and a lot uv paper on tick, and we now git all we want. Petroleum V. Nasby. 62 HOW DESERTERS FARED AT HOME. XIV. ' AT HOME. Wingekt's Corners, Ohio, i February the 27th, 1863. A MAN who duz things frum principle kin stand a good deal. I kin. Snstaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust in the rychusnis uv the Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd regiment, the Loozeaner Pelikins, with a tenasity wich I did not dream I possest. But ther is aj)int beyond wich human nacher can- not go. I endoord hunger and cold — T saw the rags drop off my muskeler limbs wun by wun^ — I murmured not. But, wen the pantaloons wuz awl gone, wen my costoom wuz a blanket and wun shoe, and I applide for new pants, and the quarter-master onf'eelinly remarkt that my dress wuz all rite — that hereafter my costoom wuz to be adoptid ez the uniform uv the regiment — I feel that desershun wuz no longer a crime, and 1 deserted. It is entirely onnessary to rekount awl I en- doored in makin my eskape. Suffice it to say, that at Colum- bus I stript the klose off uv an innebriatid solger, and made my way to Amandy Township. My old Dimekratik friends did not kno me, and ez I expected to borry money uv them, I deemed it best not to make myself known. They were suspishus uv my bloo kote at fust, until wun uv them remarkt how I likt the serviss ? ' To wich I answered, " Dam the serviss ! " " Don't admire fitin for the nigger, eh ? " " Not any," sez I. " Why not desert ? " sez he. " I hev deserted," sez I. In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changed. A jug wuz prodoost, and they awl shook hands. Wun, more richer nor the rest, handed me a treasury note uv $10, sayin, " You may need it." I replide that, as a general thing, I wood hev nolhin to do with any paper that bore the babboon likeness uv the usurper and tyrent Linkin ; but, under the cirkumstances, I wood en- door it until I cood get it changed into Ingeany money. They ASSISTS DRAFT EESISTERS. 63 took up a coUekshun to-wunst, for my benefit, which amounted to 43 dollars. Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me to what regiment I belonged. I replied, " The Loozeaner Pehkins." " Loozeaner ! " sed another ; " why, that's a Gonfedracy regi- ment, aint it ? " " To be sure," sez I. " And are yoo a deserter from a Suthrin regiment ? " sez the benevolent old butternut who hed invested $10 in the deserter biznis. " Sartin," sez I. Seezin me by the throat, he ejackulated, " Give me my money, you swindler ! " And with a unanimity trooly sur- prisin, they awl yelled, " Give me my money, you swindler — you got it under false pretences." Hevin the money safe in my pockit, I took these compliments with ekanimity, sidlin out and gettin away ez soon ez possible. I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I hed heard, I hed supposed they were kind to deserters. I find that it makes much difference wich side you desert from. Petroleum V. Nasby. XV. ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS. In the Hands of Likkin Hikeliitgs, 1 HosKiNviLLE, March 26, 1863. J I AM in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is uprooted in my person ; wunst more hev the unrighteous tools uv the monster Linkin seized my' vamerable form and incar- Hoskinrille is a small village in Noble County, Ohio, which was made the headquarters of a body of draft-resisters. Inspired with confidence that a general resistance could be made to the United States authorities in charge of the draft by means of the Knights of the Golden Circle — a secret order instituted to throw all possible hindrances in the way of" the loyal cause — the copperhead Democracy of the vicinity made an armed rendezvous at this point. The movement was, of course, a miserable failure, like the greater re- bellion, of which it was a miniature. 64 THE HEROES OP HOSKINVILLE. ceratid it in a basteel. So many times hev I bin imprisoned fer opinion's sake, that, ef I kin get a pardner with capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But to my narrashen. When the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by the heroes uv Hoskinville in opposition to the draft, I determined to throw myself " into the deadly and imminent breech." I made my way to Hoskinville, wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosiasm by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to wunst placed in command uv the forces. It wuz a proud day for Nasby ! Before me stood, leaned, and laid (akordin ez they hed emptied their canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky), two hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinville, from the rich, hory- headed farmer (uv whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars) to the gay and sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with on- quenchable arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were sufEshently sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin ourselves, into the intervals with passin resolooshens denouncin Linkir., and pledgin ourselves to resist even unto death. At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies uv bloo-coated hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, approachin at the rate uv wun and a half miles per hour. " Ha ! " shouted I, " the foe ! they coraest ! Now, men uv Hoskinville and visin- nity, show yourselves men ! " Accordinly another meetin was immejitly organizd, chairman and sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin the meetin to resist, even unto death, the proseedins to be published in all the Dimecratik papers. We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on em up in line uv battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold the muzzle uv the gun from, instid uv toward, theirselves when they fired, and wuz explainin to others the necessity uv puttin the powder down the barrel before the ball, and makin sich other arrangements ez a wise and prudent commander, determined to conker or die, would, when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates : " Gineral ! " Drawin myself up to my full hite, I anserd, " Wat ! " " Gineral," sez one uv the oldest, " we are not advantajusly postid. Wood it not be bettef on the hill? " sed he, pintin to a high eminpnce jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a glance the strategik importance uv the position, as the enemy wuz approachin from the west, and I ordered the men to de- STBATEGIoKS. 65 ploy by squadrons, in open right file platoons, and okepy the summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity. I hey a reputashen fer speed — I kin rival the courser and out> strip the jentle gazelle — but they shot past me like an arrow. Their enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how much further I hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I reached the top uv the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in site. I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a Methodist preacher sellin fruit trees ; my nose, wich blossoms ez the lobster, and a copy of the Noo York Day-Book I hed in my pocket, wuz aginst me, and I wuz to-wunst confined. My feelins is hurt. Petroleum V. Nasby. XVI. STRATEGISES. WlNGERT's CbBNEBS, OhIO, 1 May the 15th, 1863. ) DiMOKRASY hezn't ez many hobbies now ez it used to hev, and it is somewhat difficult to keep the people strung up to the proper pitch. Nigger is all the capital we hev left, and its rather tough v^ork to keep the old machine runnin. In Union and Orange thjir blood dident bile when I told em that 40,000 niggers wuz on their way to that section — nary bile. 80 1 hed recourse to strategy. Last Friday nite I prokoored some lamp-black and lard-ile, and applyin it to my classic counte- nance and my laber-staned hands, transformed myself into a The rebel party in the North relied on stirring up into fury the ignorant and prejudiced against the unfortunate victims of American oppression. Negro riots in several of the large cities were created by circulating slanderous fabrications, charging colored people with crimes and scandals. In one city, the scum of its purlieus was excited to riotous proceedings by a false story, charging a promi- nent colored man with insulting a white girl who came to his store as a customer. The calumny was as groundless as any that malice ever invented. Yet it was only by the most resolute efforts of peaceable citizens that a general and murderous onslaught on the unoffending negro population was prevented. 5 G6 THE ENCOURAGING RESULT. villainous contraband. Then I proceeded after night to the south end uv the township, and at daylight commenst going north. The skeem workt beautiful. At every house the fol- lerin conversashen wood ensoo : "Hello, Cuff! wher you from?" " Tennisee, massa." " Wher you goin ? " " I'se gwine to stop sumers 'bout heah." " Who sent you North ? " " Kurnel Niblin, and de Ablishners ob de 21st." " Dam Niblin, and yoo too. Git ! " Wich I alluz did. Then going back, I'd take another road, stealin sich trifles ez shirts and stockins, and usin sich other means uv arousin our people to a realiziu sense uv the cuss uv a floatin nigger populashen ez sejested -themselves to my mind. It became a serious thing though, for on the fourth day so many hed seen me, that they reely sposd the nigger invashen had commenst, and they Ijunted me. I run a mile, and findin they were gainin on me, darted into the woqds, washed, and come oiit ez the original Nasby. Lord ! , what an enthoosiastic meetin we had that night. Their faith in the nigger invasion hed bin shaky, but it was now firm. They had seen em. Wun had seen thirty-eight that day, uv wich number he wuz proud to say he had killed five. I larfed innardly, but held my peece. Desepshen is justifiable now and then. Petroleum Vr Nasby. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. 67 XVII. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. Joon 10, 1863. At a meetin uv the managers uv the ginoowine Dimokrasy, consistin uv the illustrious Vallandigum and myself, it was resolved to ishoo a address to the soljers uv the Cumberlaud. Vallandigum, hevin failed in the habus corpus biznis, is em- ployin his spare time in amusin of hisself in Fort Warin, wich is near Boston. The dooty, therefor, devolves upon me. Soljers : Ez individooels hevin votes, I esteem you ; ez invaders of Dimekratik states, ez men engaged in the slawtrin uv Dimekrats by the 1000, ez bloo-coated tools uv a Abolishn despotism, I cannot smile on you approvinly. Sum uv you wuz Dimekrats, who, without contemplatin the konsekences to the party, volunteerd. Fatle errer ! incompre- hensible stoopidity ! And I regret to lern that, notwithstandin we hev told you over and over that it is a Abolishn war, you lafF at our solium warnins, and many uv you hev turned Abolishnistfj yourselves. ' We warned you uv the evils that wood naterally fbller Abolishn victoris. To show you that we profFeside correctly, I call yure attenshun to the foUerin strictly Dimekratik fact. Since the commensement uv the war, the addishn uv niggers to Northern Ohio hez bin ez follows : The chief reliance of the rebel-sympathing Democracy was in imposing falsehoods on the ignorant, and inflaming their prejudices against the negro population. They represented that a flood of negroes from the slave plantations would inund.-.te the farms and- workshops of the North, and supplant the labor of white men ; that they would establish themselves in positions of social equality with white people, even to the extent of marrying into the best and most reputable white families. In one congressional district in Indiana, a couple of wagon-loads of negroes were hired by Democratic politicians to make a journey through the several counties of the district, passing through all the principal towns, to create the impression that an immense nrliption of negroes into the Northern States was just beginning, from which dire results were to be apprehended. In like manner incredible stories of inter-marriages between whites and blacks, in distant places always, were circulated . 68 SOME POLITICAL FACTS. Hancock, 28,000 Wood, r 84,000 Lorane (wich is near Oberlin), .... 103,000 All uv wich is studyin for the ministry, drawin cavalry captin's pay and rasliens, till they gradooate, incloodin two white^ servants, each. , And so on, ad infinytum. These niggers are workin un sitooashens you wunst okepied. The tailor shops, blacksmith shops, shoe shops, and stores is all filled with these noosencis, fresh from Suthrin plantashens. So yoo see that while they hev seezed upon j'oor labor, you are taxt by a nigger-lovin government to support them in idlenis. But there is more facts : Number uv soljer's wives who died uv starvashen in Hancock County last week, 1,253 Besides one small woman they did not count. And all this time (my blood biles wen I think uv it) the entire nigger populashen is bein fed on briled sirline stake, stufFt with oysters. 238 white men hev marrid black females within two weeks, also 803 white wimmin to black men, all in the corpora- shen uv Wingert's Corners, the guverment payin license, preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin furnytoor to start em housekeepin. Tt is useless to multiply instances. You are exposin yoor lives and helth, just to set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, who wont work, and who, by takin yoor places on the farms and in the workshops, will prevent you from earnin a honest livin wen yoo git back. Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote this fall. Undei* Dimekratik rule, wen the South roold us precisely as they wantid to, all wuz peace. We kin hev it agin on the saim terms, with perhaps the payin uv the expensis they have incurred in manetainin uv ther rites, payin penshuns to the widders uv them yoo hev wickidly slain, et settery. Soljers ! you kin emansipate yoorselves. Shoot yoor orfisers, throw down yoor arms, and cum home. The old party is in danger, and without you it'll go to rooin a canterin. ' Shel any feelin uv pride in yoor country deter you from comin wen j'oor party is in peril ? I cannot believe it. Petroleum V. Nasby. ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. 69 f ' XVIII. ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. Wingert's Cornebs, Ohio, ) June the 6tli, 1863. 5 NuTHiN hez dun so much agin the Dimokrasy ez churches, skool-houses, Sundy skools,. preachers, and sich. Here, our people hev awoken to the dangerous tendencies uv sich in- stooshns, and hev set about viggerously to suppress em. Ez this work is wat my hart delites in, I organized the pious por- tion uv the Dimokrasy, that we mite do our work well and thorough. When my. gigantic intellek hez a chance, the work is shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction uv an- nouncin the complete destruction uv two churches, the drivin off uv five preachers, and the frightnin uv many wimin. But my mission is not alone to tear down — I bild up. The ijee segestid itself to my fertile mind, that a strikly Dimekratik church and Sundy skool wood not only help the cause, but aflFord me an easy livin. It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez the paster uv the First Dimekratik Church uv Ohio. The foUeriu is the order uv exercises : — * 1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the horn. 2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv Skripter: 9th chapter uv Gennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Canaan, provin that niggers is .skriptoorally slaves ; and the chapters about Hayger and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive-slave Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshun to it watever.) In the South, and among the allies of slavery in the North, great use was made of the Bible in arguments to prove the righteousness of slavery. The main argument was drawn from the cursing of one of the children of Ham by Noah, in these words : — " Cursed be Canaan ; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren." The conclusion was, that the negroes were the sons of Canaan, and the soutliern saints were the pious patriarchs in whose tents lie was to dwell as a servant. The duty to return fugitives from bondage to their masters was in- ferred from Paul's letter to Philemon. Churches were organized by the Democracy, in various parts of the West, on this purely Democratic basis. 70 THE DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL. 3. Singin — " 0, we'll hang Abe Linfeih on a sour apple-tree," or some other improvin ode, hevin a good moral. 4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus. 5. Singin— "0, John Brown's body hangs a danglin in the air." 6. Lecture on watever phase uv the nigger question may- seem appropriate. We hev also organized a Sundy skool on a pure basis. I spent much time in gettin up a katekizm, uv wich the follerin is a sample : — Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man ? A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratik tickit forever. Q. Wat do the Skripters teach ? A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress ; that Paul sent Onesimus back ; and " Servance, obey yoor masters." Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger ? A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a octoroon. Q. Wat is sin ? A. Skratchin a ticket. Q. Who compose the Dimekratik trinity ? A. Vallandigum, Brite, and Fernandywood. Q. Wat is the first duty uv man ? A. To beware uv Ablishn lies ; to rally to the poles ; to vote early ; and to bring in the agid,' the infirm, and the ideotik. To stimoolate the infant mind,.! hev institootid a system uv rewards, ez follows : For commitin two verses uv Vallandigum's address, one check for beer, good at the Corners ; five verses, two checks ; twelve verses, four checks ; and to the child hevin the most verses, a copper-mounted butternut pin. We bed a festival yesterday. The tables wuz bounteously spred with bolonj-, liver-worst, and crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky furnisht the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to see the mothers, with maternal solissitood, a mixin nacher's great restorer with water and sorgum surup, to adapt it to the infantile stumick. For my part, I alluz take mine strait. ' I bleeve good will be accomplisht. Last week, in makin a •"^■HUECH OF St. VALLAND.Gt/M." P. V. NasBY, PaSTOE, AND HIS Flock. Page 71. GOES ON WITH HIS CHUKCH. 71 pastoral visit, jest about noon, to the house uv wnn uv my flock, who hez fine poultry, I wuz amoosed at heerin a meer infant, only three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and cry, " Hooraw for JeiT Davis." It wuz tetchin. Pattin the little patriot on the head, I instantly borrowd five cents uv his father to present to him. Petroleum V. Nasby. XIX. GOES ON WITH HIS CHUECH. Church op St. Vallandigum, "> June the lOth, 1863. ) We hed a blessid and improvin time yisterday. My little flock staggered in at the usual hour in the mornin, every man in a heavenlj' frame uv mind, hevin bin ingaged all nite in a work uv mercy, to-wit: a mobbin uv two enroUin officers. One uv em resisted, and they smote him hip and thigh, even ez Bohash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral, wich is nessarj'^, bein in the ministry.) He wuz left for dead. We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ, commencin ez follows : — " Sbel niggers black this land possess, And mix with us up here .' O, no, my friends ; we rayther guess We'll never stand that 'ere." I then held forth from this text : " Whar hev ye laid him? " I statid that the person I referred to wuz the marterd Vallan- digum, and I, in behaff uV a outraged Dimokrasy, demanded uv the tyrant Linkin, " Wher hev yoo laid him ? " A uncon- vertid individooal sed, " He's laid l\im out J " wich remark cost The notoriety obtained by Vallandigham and other active sympathizers with the rebellion, had the eflFect of manufacturing a host of imitators. The sure road to preferment in the Democratic party at that time was " Martyr- dom," and the pot-house politicians in Democratic localities all coveted arrests. The government disappointed all but a few leading spirits, who were really dangerous. ^ 72 A DEMOCRATIC CLASS MEETING. him a broken head. I went on to show why our saint hed bin martered. It wuz becoz he wuz a Dimekrat — becoz he dared to exerci.se the rites guaranteed to every American, exceptin Ablishnists and niggers, uv aboosin the guvernment. For this, and nuthin else, wuz he eggsiled. " My friends," sez I, drawin myself up to my full hite, and lookin as much like Fernandy- wood ez possible, " I am wiUin to be marterd. I denounce this war as unholy, unconstooshnel, unrighteous, and unmittigated. It is nothin less than a invashen uv Dimekratik states for the sole purpus of freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a tool. Order 38 a relik of barberism, and I will resist the enroll- ment, the conscripshen, and the tax. Hooray for Geff Davis." Our class-meeting wuz more interestiner than ever. One old white-headed brother sed that at times his way was dark, and his pathway gloomy. Wunst he wuz very near becomin a infidle. He reely believed at one time that the nigger was human, and wunst he voted for a Republican road supervisor. But he hed repented, and was, he trusted, forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and he should vote the whole Dime- kratik tickit. Two backsliders, who scratched their tickits last fall, confest their sin publicly. I exhorted them two hours, fined em a gallon uv whisky apeece, and took em into full communion. The whisky will be devotid to the missionary service, wich is me. This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Corners they give me sich flooids ez I need at all the doggeries but one, and at that one they trust me, wich amounts to the same thing. I hev borrid uv my flock over sixty dollars already. It is a rich feeld, and wun wich will endoor much workin. My nose is deepnin in color every hour, * Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. General Burnside, in command of the department including Ohio, issued an order providing for the arrest and trial, as spies, of all persons who " commit acts for the benefit of the enemies of onr country," and also that " the habit of declaring sympathy for the enemy will not be permitted in tliis department." Under this order (No. 38) Vallandighan was arrested and sent south. " CAPCHERD." 73 XX. " CAPCHERD." In a Linkin Basteel, Columbds, Ohio, ) June the 20tli, 1863. 5 Agen I am in durence vile. Agen 1 am iu the hands uv Linkin's hirelin minyuns, and my church is without a paster. The sheperd is smitten and the sheep may be scattered. Were it not for two barls uv whisky that we hed in the churcli, I doubt wether the orgaimizashen wood continue. My prayer is that the cohesive fiooid may hold out till I return. My cap- cher wuz ez follows : Wen the Dimekrats, the peece men of Homes County, de- clared war, I threw oif the sacerdotle robes and tuk up the sword. Arrivin at Millersberg, I jined the peace forces to oust. Ability is alluz recognizd, and I wuz immejitly made cornmander-in- che.ef uv the forces. A full uniform uv butiful butternut cloth and a copperheded sword wuz presented me. I immejitly com- menst drillin the men, and in two days lied them ^erfishent in compny and battalj'un drill. We fortyfide, buildin gabeyuns, faseens, and eliptiks, and neglectid no precau&hen to make victry sure. Fifteen hun- dred strong, we pledgd ourselves to hist the black flag, and never surrender. Finally the enemy hove in site. Ez they cum up, our men trembled with anxiety to meet em. Sum two hunderd askt permishen to withdraw from the fortyfications, make a detoor over the hill, and flank em, wich request, bein unwillin to re- strane their arder, I ackseded to. Sum 500 jined em, and I spoze are detoorin yet, ez I hev never seen em since. This movement wuz fatle, ez all went who were sober enuff'to walk. Jest afterwards cum the catastrophy. Ten uv the very men who hed bin formost in advisin resistence, cum up with the Fedrals, and advised a surrender ! Hopin to gain time, I askt two hours to consider. Unfortnit errer ! Before the too hours wuz up, half the men wuz sober, and, instid uv histin the black flag, they capitoolatid, delivrin up the ringleeders. I 74 AN EPISTLE. wuz taken ez a hed ringleeder, and wuz ironed and taken to Columbus, wher I now am. In hopea uv keepin my flock together, I writ em a epistle, as follows : To the Faithful at Wingert'a Corners, greetin: I rite you in bonds. I beseech you, deerly beloved, to be stedfast in yoor faith, holdin on to sich truth ez I left you. Be viggelent in good work;8, patient in chasin enroUin offisers, and quick in tarrin and feathrin on em. For, tho I am not with you, the tar-barl and what's left uv the feathers is in my study, jest behint the whisky barls. Be temprit. Ten or twenty nips per day is enufF fer any man in health ; if weakly, the number may be indefinitly increest. I am alluz in bad helth. Beware nv false teechers : let no Ablishnists pizen yer minds. Keep up yure Sundy exercises ; ef yoo hev wun among you that kin rede, let him next Sundy eddify yoo with Wood's speech. Neglect not the Sundy skool. That proper interest may be kept up in the minds uv the childern, 1 wood sejest that Sundy afternoons you ketch a preecher and hev the dar- lins rotten-egg him. " Jest ez the twig is bent," et settry. Be ennergetik in tearin down meetin-houses, for they are injoorin us. In conclooshen, deerly beloved, remember me. Send me a eucher deck, a two-gallon jug uv com joose ; also, the weekly coUekshun. Ef I survive I will be with you agen. In the faith. Ef they send wat I want, I shell be comfortable here. In chains, but unsubdood. Petroleum V. Nasby. XXI. STARTS A PAPER. Church uv St. Vallandioum, ) June the 30th, 1863. \ I AM back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent be a marter. The Fedral orfisers dismist me with the insultin remark that I wuz too small pertaters to notis. Hevin time on my hands, and STARTS A PAPER. 75 feelin that I'm livin in vane onless I am doin authin for the grate coz, I hev determined to ishoo a paper, devoted to dis- seminatin my vews. I ishood my prospectuses to-day, ez fol- lows: TO THE PURE DIMOKBASY ! Prospectus uv the "Marter and Tyrent Resister!" August, 1st, the undersined will ishoo the' fust number uv a paper bearin the above title, devoted to the interests uv the pure Dimokrasy. To inshoor the fatheful just sech a paper ez they need, the follerin able writers hev bin ingaged, regardless uv expence : On arbitrary arrests — Petroleum V. Nasby. On habis corpuss — P. Y. Nasby. On nigger — - P. Volcano Nasby. On violashens uv Constooshnal rites — Mr. Nasby. This brilyunt gallaxsy uv intelleck, under my editorial control. The " Marter and Tyrent Resister " will support Democrasy, and while givin the goverment a hartj' support in puttin down the rebelyun, will uv coarse oppose — Coercin the secedid staits ; invadin the secedid staits ; raisin armies by volunteerin ; raisin armies by draft or conscripshen ; raisin means by tax or tariiF; arrestin uv men for sympathisin with the Southern Dimokrasy ; arrestin uv enybody for any thing ; the usin uv niggers ez soljers ; the usin uv white men ez soljers ; every thing the Administrashen hez dun, is doin, er may hereafter do. It will viggerously advocate — The Constitooshn ez it is ; doin away uv the Constitooshn ; the Union ez it wuz ; the plan for dividin the Union into four parts ; the elekshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin ofSses ; the enforsement uv the laws ; the resistin uv conskripshen and enrolin offisers ; morality and good order ; the mobbin uv Methodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin, Brethrin, and other hetrodox churches. I appeal confidently to the Dimokrasy for support. The actooal, ginooine principles uv Dimokrasy need a able defender, 7'6 PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT. and I'm the identicle individooal. My sole is in the coz, and I am pecooliarly fitted by eddicashen and tastes for the posishen. I bleeve the speciielashen will pay. My church welkomed me back with a corjuality trooly affectin. They held a festivle on my return, to wich the Sunday skool skollars wuz present. I unbended myself, and kist em onct apeece, takin a nip of corn essence atween times, wich wuz nessary. Mistakin a mother for her infant, the infooriated husband assaulted me. 1 wuz reskood afore much damage wuz dun. A speshl church meetin will be held to consider his case. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXII. PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT. Church uv St. Vallandigum, 1 July the 7th, 1863. \ I PREACHED last Sunday from the text, " Break every yoke, and let the opprest go free." I went on to show that this text had no reference whatever to niggers. Niggers wuz ordained to be bondmen, from the very day Noah took a overdose uv the great happyfier, and cust Canaan. But the text, like the Deklarashen vtv Independense and the ever-blessid Constitoo- shn, wuz made solely for white men. It bed undoubted refer- ence to the payin uv debts. Wat heavier yoke is ther than notes ? and who is more opprest than he who pays ten per cent. ? " Burn yer notes, and let yer debtors go free," wood be a more correcter readin uv the passage. In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the question uv the draft wuz considered. It wuz plain that the enrolement cood not be prevented. The enrolin orfisers hed managed to do it, The " sudden shifts " made hy the Democracy during the second and third years of the war were exceedingly comical. They veered as the wind blew. A Federal victory made them tolerably loyal, and a Confederate success openly disloyal. The average Democrat was always in doubt as to precisely where he stood. TWO SETS OP RESOLUTIONS. , 77 and it wnz a certinty that every name atwixt 18 and 45 wuz down. And we were also satisfied that the draft cood be en- forst, and therefore it behooves us to make it ez light ez possi- ble, more espeshly ez when wun uv us is draftid, he wUl hev to go, not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is here ez it is in all excloosively Dimekratik communities — the grocery'keepers absorb all the capital. The follerin resolutions were past : Wareas, Our nashen is involved in a horrible, fratrisidle war, the same bein unholy, and waged solely to free the nigger and enslave the white man, wich is therefore our duty to oppose the same ; therefore, be it Besolvd, That we are in favor uv raisin our quota by vol- unteerin, and hereby urge the same. Besolvd, That we consider the employment uv niggers, ez soljers, ez not only justifiable, but highly commendable. Besolvd, That a committee be appointed to sekoor the settle- ment uv two hundred families uv niggers in this township, ex- cloosively for volunteerin purposes. The resolooshens wuz past, and the committees appointed. The very next day we heerd uv Vicksburg and Gettysburg. I to-wunst blew the horn and got my flock together, told em the news, and offerd the foUowin resolooshens : Wareas, Our beloved country is involved in a bloody war against rebels and traitors (A old man interrupted me, sayin, " W-h-art ? " Payin no at- tenshen, I proceeded.) And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo citizen is to sustain the guverment ; therefore, be it Besolvd, That the Dimokraay are, ez they alluz hev bin, in favor uv a viggerous prosekooshen uv the war. Besolvd, That our confidence in the great Vallandigum is un- abated ; and, bleevin him to be the only actooal war man in Ohio, shel give him our harty support. Besolvd, That the reports uv troubles in Ohio and Ingeany is lies, got up to deseeve the people. The resolooshens wuz past, tho I hed to tell em twice to vote for em. We immejitly hunted up two enrollin orfisers, who we tarred and feathered sum weeks ago, jest after Hooker wuz defeated by Lee at Chanslerville, when we spozd our 78 A FAST DAY. Suthern brethrin wood triumph, and giv em a public dinner. Ef all the leaders of the Dimokrasy were ez sagashus ez me, the old party wood hev smooth sailin. Alas ! how fe^y hev the gigantic intellek uv Nasby ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXIII. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. Chukch uv St. Vallandigum, July the 20th, 1863. YiSTEEDY wuz set apart by my congregashen ez a day uv fastin and humiliashen for our misforchunes at G-ettysberg, and the loss uv Port Hudson and Vixburg. I ishood the follerin direxshens for the proper observance uv the fast, to-wit : 1. Nip before breakfast not to eckseed two jills. 2. For breakfust no animil food permitted, ceptin ham and eggs, beef, etc. 3. For dinner, ditto ; supper same ez on other days. 4. Beer to be taken by the single glass, and pretzels to be eaten without salt on em. 5. These rules to be void in the case uv peopil over 35, and invalids, who may hev ther sustainin flooids ez usual. I preecht frum this text : " 0, my sole, why art thow cast down ? " I told em we wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's whip- pin Lee ; becoz uv Grant's takin Vixburg, and Banks's takin Port Hudson. That's what's the matter with us. That's what hez cast a shadder over our countenansis, and cliangd the hue uv our noses from the brilyant crimson to the gastly bloo ! The fiattrin hopes uv a successful invashen uv the North is dasht — 'likewise the releef uv Vixburg; and now, to fill our cup uv sorrer, John Morgan's command is destroyd. Bui still, my frends, ther is a silver linin to evry cloud. There is wun ray uv hope amid all this gloom. I allood to the late con- THE CHURCH SAFE. 79 stooshnal demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther wuz a victory. The draft-books wuz destroyed and the draft; wuz stopped. But ther wuz a bigger triumph than stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz killd — the.prowd Anglo-Saxon riz in hjs mite and stoned the niggers ! Halleloojy ! At this pint sum uv the awjence becum sleepy, and to arowse them I becum faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the Dimokrasy, who mauld the niggers in Noo York, a most energetic and perseverin people ? Becoz, anserd I, they left no stone unturned to effect their purpus. The ijee uv interdoosin conundrums into the pulpit is originel with me. I closed by exhortin uv em to stand firm. Ef we kin elect Vallandigum, we may yet check the Fedral govment in its victorus career. With Ohio all rite for constooshnal rites, the game uv subjoogashen wood be playd oirt. Let us, sed I, never falter nor faint, but press onnard to the mark uv our high callin. Ez the Isrelites threw down the walls uv Gerryko by blowin rams' horns, so kin we by blowin our horns throw down the walls of this Abolishn Gerryko. Blow your horns, my brethrin ; for whoso bloweth not his own horn, the same shall not be blown, but whoso bloweth. his own horn, the same shall be blown with a muchness. We took a numerashen uv our Church with a view to the draft, with the foUerin result : Hole number ur male members, 200 Over 45, 50 ~ Under 18, 50 Badly rupcherd, and utherwlse diseased, . . 92 Gone to Canady to visit ther uncles, ... 8 Total 200 We are easy in our minds on this subjeck. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Ohurch, in charge. i 80 THE NASBY LBTTEBS, XXIV. CONFESSION OF FAITH. Church cv St. Vailandigum, Orgust the 31st, 1863. We hed the gloriusist kind uv a season yisterday. The winders wuz opend, and a shower uv pure Dimekratik grace desendid upon us, and we wuz blest. Glory ! We reseeved into our Zion eighteen young men, who reseevd the faith by inheritance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted the strait tickit. The follerin is the Confeshun uv Faith to which they sub- scribed : — Queshn. — Dost bleeve that Canaan wuz doomd to bondage becoz uv Noer's gittin tite ; that Hayger and Onezimus prove the skriptoorality of the fugitive-slave law ; that, taken ez a hull, they show that the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs is com- mendible and evangelikle? Dost bleeve that the present war is unconstooshnel and un- holy ; that it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists interferin with slavery; that the bombardment uv Sumter wuz rite, tho hasty ? Dost bleeve that Linkin is a tyrant and usurper ; that he hed no rite too subjoogate the South ; that his callin out troops waz unconstooshnel ; and that everything he hez dun, since the war begun, is likewise unconstooshnel ? Dost bleeve that Vailandigum wuz sent into the world to save the Dimekratik party ; that in doin it he wus arestid at Dayton, tried afore Ponteus Burnside, and sent Sowth ; that, after three months, he riz agen in Canady, whence he shel cum' ez soon oz he's electid ? Dost bleeve that the central committis is the sole dispenser uv opinion, and wiltest thow aiiuz yawp wen thej' wink ? Dost bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is the onpardonable sin ? Dost bleeve that this war wuz got up to free niggers, and that to-day Linkin hez seventy-five thousand niggers in the North, a feedin on fride oj'sters and hot punch? Dost bleeve that Lee is the greatest gineral uv the age, and that all reports uv Fedral victries is lies? VISITS YALLANDIGHAM. 81 Dost bleeve Ben Butler's a bea,st, and Hamlin a mulatter ? Wilt pledge yurself to uncompromisinly oppose yoor sisters marrying niggers, no matter how much they want to ? To all uv these questions the candidates anserd, " I dost." Bro. Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv fellowship, and, after making a -f- to their names, wich I hed previously ritten in our church-book, they wuz made members of my flock. The coz is prosperin. We commense a series uv revival meetins next week, and hev made extensiv preparashens there- for. Ten barls uv new whisky and twenty barls uv beer hev bin pervided. Ther will be a outporin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Cki^rch, in charge. XXV. VISITS VALLANDIttHAM. Chukch nv St. Vallandigum, > July the 27th, 1863. \ I HEV jest returned from a visit to our persekootid saint, Vallandigum. The marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the Clifton House wen I arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I en- tered ■ the room, and he rusht into my arms, and droopin his head onto my heavin buzm, wept aloud. " Marterd saint ! " sez I, with a voice tremulous with emo- shen. " Sufferer fer truth ! " sez he ; and then this trooly grate man Clement L. Vallandigham, a Democratic member of Congress from the Dayton district in Ohio for a year or two after the outbreak of tlie war, was tried by a court martial, and convicted of aiding and abetting the treason of tlie rebels of the South. President Lincoln modified the sentence of the court martial so as to pass Mr. V. into the hands of the rebels, whose cause he was so zealous in defending in Congress and on the stump. Mr. Vallandigham was aided by the Confederate authorities in making liis way to Canada, where a numlier of Con''ederate emissaries had made their Iieadquarters, for the pur- pose of forwarding the plans of the Confederacy, creating disaffection in the North, and gathering information to be transmitted to tlie Jeff Davis govern- 6 82 THE TWO GREAT MEN OF THE AGE. whispered, " Jest keep in this posishn a minnit — the artist uv the Noo York lUustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch uv us ; '' wich we did, standin locked into each other's arms, and weepin profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz exhaustin and tiresome, but for the cause 1 endoord it. The picter will appear in next week's Flapdoodle, headed " The Two Grate Minds uv the Age ! Affectin meeting uv Vallandigum and Nasby ! " The matter akompanying the picter will be written by Vallandigum and myself — he writin wat relates to hisself, and I ..at relates to myself. We kin do ourselves justis. " Nasby," says the great C. L., " how is things in my nativ state ? " • " Squally," gez I. " Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the people as to my eggsile ? " ' " They wuz extremely glad uv it." " The akount uv my prostrashen — my untold sufFrins, et settry, wich I hed publisht in the papers ; did that not aifect them?" " Yes ; they laft." " Did not ' the affectin akount uv the wife uv my buzm and my cherub babes a jinin me here, to share my lonely eggsile, move em '?" " Nary move." " Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I'll fetch em. ' Nil des- pritrando ' is my motto I must be guvner, fer how else kin we prevent the subjugashen uv the Dimekratik staits ? Elect me, and ther'll be no trouble about drafts, onless we shood git involved in a war with the United States. The Confederac}'' wood be recognized, Ohio wood go with the South, and slavery wood be interdoost, and ez we woodent hev any further use niont.' There was a great attempt made to excite sympathy for Vallandigham as a martyr for the cause of political liberty and free speech. But, as Mr. Nasby admits, the attempt was a very decided and laughable failure. On the plea of suffering for free thought and free speech, he ran for Governor of Ohio in 1863, but was defeated by the largest majority that ever overwhelmed an un- fortunate or unprincipled politician. So manifest were his traitorous purposes that patriotic Democrats by thousands refused to vote for him, and the " long laugh of a world's derision " followed the appeal of the " martyred Vallan- digham " for support and sympathy. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER. 83 fer em, poor men woodent be allowed to vote, making me per- petooal guvner. Nasby, we must succeed." " Certainly. But we're in a tite place. Our speekers is em- barist. It takes a gigantik intellek to bring the pints together. A spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest for a hen to Bet on. Sez his maternal mother : '' ' My son, why puttist thou so many eggs under the hen ? She canst not kiver em.' " ' Certinly she canst not ; but, thunder ! I want to see her spread herself.' " Jest so. Our speakers is in the same fix. The outside egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition to the war. Tother side uv the nest, 200 eggs distant, is the support uv the war. To kiver em all requires great stretchin capacity." " Troo, too troo. But we must mix it, and trust to luck. In loyal counties, stuff em with dilooted patriotism ; in our coun- ties, pure secesh; The people is jest ez gullible now ez ever they wuz." I left the patriot and sage much comforted. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXVI. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER. Church nv St. YALt-ANDiGnM, ^ Wingert's Coeneks, Orgust the 9th, 1863. ) I HED a brother vsrho left his paternal roof, in 1849, for the purpus uv makin a fortin a foUerin the briny deep. He didn't make a fortin, however, makin fortius bein a thing fer wich the Nasby family is not celebratid. He had bin absent all uv the From 1842 until 1848 the Liberty party, which represented the more zealous anti-slavery sentiment of the Northern States, gathered considerable strength ; in many cases drawing ofF a sufficient number of votes from the party in the majority to give the victory to the party before in the minority. In Ohio the greater number of the anti-slavery voters were from tlie Whig 84 WHAT WAS AND WHAT IS. time, and hed beard never a word frum his native land. He went frum this county, and wen he landid at Noo York, he cum strate to this place. I reseeved him with open arms. " Josef," sez I, " do yoo still remane troo to the Dimekratik faith?" " Petroleum," sez he, " I do. Ez wuz resolved in our con- venshun the year afore I startid, I bleeve that slavery is a evil, and that the Dimokrasy uv Ohio shood use all constooshnel means to mittigait and finally ei-addicait it, and — " " Hold," sez 1 ; " times is changed. The Dimokrasy now look upon slavery ez a blessin ; but go on." " I bleeve," resoomed he, " that the settlin uv the question uv slavery by the Missory Compermise wuz rite ; and — " " Hold on," sez I ; "we repealed the Compermise." " I bleeve," retorted he, feebly, " that slavery is the creecher party, which fact gave the Democratic party the control of the state. In 1848, however, the question of the extension of slavery into the territories acquired by conquest and treaty with Mexico, drew great numbers from the Democratic party, and developed a strong anti-slavery feeling in the Democratic party. In that year the "Barnburner" Democrats of New York openly went into the " Free Soil " movement. In the West this movement became so formidable that the managers of the Democracy became convinced that they must conciliate tliis anti-slavery element, or go into utter defeat. Accordingly at a State Con- vention in Ohio, in 1849, a resolution was passed declaring that " slavery was an evil, and that the government should use all constitutional and proper means to mitigate, and finally to eradicate it." Subsequently, when the southern Democracy demanded the repeal of the Missouri Compromise, a large portion of the Democracy rose in resistance to that outrageous breach of faith. All through its history the chief claim of tlig Democracy to public confidence was its supreme and unfaltering devotion to the " Union," against all attempts at revolution or secession. Thus on all these points it made an indelible record. The stern behests of the slave power compelled that party to give up, one by one, all its loud professions in favor of these pHnciples. Those who adhered to that party were compelled to give up the Missouri Compromise for " Popu- lar Sovereignty," and afterwards to yield " Popular Sovereignty " for the doc- trine that the Constitution carried perforce the institution of slavery into all the territories in which state governments had not been established, and in all states in which it was not prohibited by positive legislation. Finally, when the rebels struck at the "Union " itself, under the lead of Wood, Vallandigham, et at, that party practically ranged itself against the efforts of a faithful ad- ministration to preserve the Union. Nasby's brother Joseph, who had been exiled during the period of eventful changes in the fortunes and principles of the Democracy, finds that the " Democracy " he left in Ohio, in 1849, was a very different thing from what he found passing under that name in 1863. JOSEPH'S CONCLUSION. 85 nv lokle legislashen, and shood be exclooded from the territo- ries ; and — " '• Stiddy," sez 1 ; " tlie Dimoicrasy is in favor uv extendin it ail over tiie territories." " Well," sez Josef, sez he, " I'm for the Union, wun and indivisable ; that's Dimokrasy — aint it ? " " Yes," sez I, i* with sevral ifs and much buts. We are jest now, ez a party, iugaged in the deliteful work uv splittin up the old Union into four parts, as per Vallandigum.' Josef, yoor behint the age. You see, Josef, we wuz lor the Union, wun and indivizable, jest so long ez the Dimokrasy, wich wuz mostly located Sowth, hed control uv sed Union. In- them days Noo England wuz under. Then things changd. Noo England spred over the West, and ther wuz danger uv loosin the controle. To check em, we commenst legislatin ; fustly repeelin the Compermise, so they mite take niggers ther, if they cood git in fast enuff. That was a failoor. Then we decided that the constooshn perteeted slavery, and that it cood go ther anyhow. Still Noo England beet us, electin a Abolishn' President, and we bolted, so that we cood git shet uv New England. And that's wat the war's about.'' Sez Josef, sez he, " Petroleum, to me it doth seem that all that's left uv the Dimokrasy, to which I wunst belongd, is the name." To which I sentenshusly replide, " It air." Sez Josef, sez he, " Petroleum, I can't git it thro me. Ef I hed staid at home, perhaps 1 mite hev took these changes down, wun at a time, but at wun dose it's to much. Therefore, Petroleum V., consider me owt. The old flag's good enufl" for me, I thank you, and Androo Jaxson wuz about the style uv a Dimefcrat, you mite bet yer bottom dollar on. I repoodiate the hull on't. I don't like egg-shells, nor nuthin wat aint got no meet into it ; by wich strikin mettyfor I mean to say that a party that hez dispozd uv its principples, and lives on a empty name, aint the assosiashen for any body but a low grade uv ijeots, and a high grade uv scoundrels, sech ez would garrote the Goddis uv Liberty fer the white cotton nite gown she is piktorielly represented ez wearin. Petroleum V., adoo." 86 PREACHES — SUBJECT, " GIVIN." The next day he eulistid. I saw him depart with a bloo kot6 on. Ez he haddent a dollar that I cood borrer, I wuz rejoist to see him go. Kespectively, Petroleum V. Nasby. XXVII. PREACHES — SUBJECT, " GIVIN." Chdkch uv St. Vallanjuigum, | September the 21st, 1863. ) I PREECHED yisterday frum this text: "Verily I say unto yoo, It is more blesseder to give than to reseeve." — Joab xvii: 313 to '21, incloosiv. The inspird riter bed, no dout, the Dimerkratik party in his mind's eye, wen he rit them words uv wisdom. Experence hez shode the trooth uV them sentence, and ef it hadent, you'd be bound to bleeve it, coz I, your paster, sez so, wich is Dimokrasy. To illustrait, we shell inquire : 1. Wat is givin? Givin is givin, wich is suffishently clear explanashen fer all practikle perpuses-. 2. Wen shood we giv ? We must giv alluz, for it is more blessider to giv than to reseeve. The Dimokrasy hez alluz bin scriptooral in this partikeler. Wen the Sowth wantid Misoory, we giv it. Wen she wantid a fugitiv-slave law, we giv it. Wen she wantid Texas, and Kansas, and Nebrasky, we giv it — halleloogy ! Wen she wan-tid Bookannon, we giv it ; and wen she demandid Duglasses hed, we giv it, fer it is more blessider to give than it is to reseeve. 3. Why shood we give ? Becoz it pays. So long es the Dimokrasy hed the power uv givin, all wuz well. The Sowth, hevin all it wanted, wuz contentid, and evrything went on smooth and plesant like. Nacher intended em to rool, and us uns to serve, and we wuz THE GBEAT LESSON. 87 satisfide, and so wuz they. Such oflSsis ez wuz beneath em they tost to us, and all wuz peece. It wuz normel. 4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not givin? My frens, seest thou yon postorifise ? A. Abolishnist sets there. And woe is us ! the places we onct did fill, all ore the land, we fill no more. And wuss. Ther is war ; the North hez rebeld aginst the Dimokrasy, and to-day 3'oor sons is being dragged to the tented feeld, to be offered up a sakrifis to the fell sperit uv " not givin." 0, my frens, we stumbled ourselves. We'faild to giy wunst, and that failure wuz fatal. Wen we in our pride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we sinned, and are now payin for it. 0, hed we all yoonited in givin, then — hed we follered presedent, and got down into the dust — then all wood hev bin well. We dedooce from the foregoin the fbllerin grate trooth, to-wit, viz. : Suiferin alluz follers sin. Nether duz the sinnei- git the price uv his sin. The demon uv Abolishnism, or Not Givin, wich is sinonymus, held afore the eyes of Duglis the dazzlin prospek uv Northrin votes. But lo ! wen Duglis hed took the fatal step, the votes wuz Linkin's, and the post>orfises wuz Linkin's, and the Dimokrasy supped on sorrer and break- fasted on woe. Ther is, my brethren, a heavy cuss on Not Givin. " Wo-unto yoo for a stiff-necked and rebelyus people." (Abiram 31, 5, xlp.) In the original Rooshen it is " stiff-backt " instid uv " stiff-neckt," wich makes it mene Massachoosetts. They wood never bend a inch ; they hed no limbernis, and with head up, instid uv down — with backs strate, instid uv curved — they insisted on bein men ez well ez Virginny, thus forcin the Sowth to take up arms to bend em into their nateral posishen. My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv the Sowth to put down these rebels aginst the grate principle uv Givin. That's all they want, and wen they git it they'll stop, I make no doubt. Then, brethrin, let us pray for their suc- cess — let us imitate our martyred saint, Vallandigum, who is a axil far away, and, to the extent uv our ability, further the grate coz. Let Noo Ingland be got under ; Sumner, and Wade, and Giddins, and Oin Luvgoy hung ; the grate Davis President, with Fernandywood and Vallandigum in his Cabynit; then 88 ELECTIOXEERIKG IN A CAMP, will ther be for us peeoe, and harmony, and good-will, and post-orfises. Let wat 1 hev sed sink deep in j'oor harts. Wen the contribooshen box oums around, remember that " it is more blesseder to give than to reseeve." So mote it be. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. — >©^ — XXVIII. VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM. ChUKCH uv St. VALLANDIGnM, > October the 1st, 1863. ]" Feelin it a sacred dooty I owed the cdz uv Dimokrasy and free speech (on awl subgeks not interferin with Dimokrasy ez it hez bin, ez it is, or ez it may be), I visited Camp Dennyson, wich is named after a Abolishnist, to use my stentorin voice for Vallandigum among the paroled prizners. It wuz a bammy mornin in September wen I arriv, and procooring admishen, I set to work to-wunst. Noticin a couple uv dozen uv em a playin poker — one cent anty — I judged by a instink I hev that ther wuz a good field for sowin Dimekfatik seed. Ad- vancin, I sed, — " My frends ! " " 'W^at," said wun uv em, takin advantage uv the interrupshen to slip a ace or two up his coat sleeve. " My frends," sed I, " I cum to yoo ez a possel uv peece, and a umble advoka.te uv Dimokrasy, and that persookootid angil, Vallandigum — " This letter sets forth, as old soldier^ well renjemfeer, the reception which the "boys in blue" were wont to give to those who were suspected of any complicity with the cause of the rebellion which they were called away from their homes to help to subdue. Against northern traitors the feeling was especially bitter, and when one was discovered in camp, the feeling of the sol- diers was expressed often in a style very similar to that here described. AND ITS DISAGREEABLE RhSULT. 89 " Five aces, Jimuel," sed the person who fust sed " Wat " to me. "I take the pile, coz.yoo cant, beet five aces;" and, sweepin the money, he remarkt to me, " Now, parson, wat did yoo say ? " " I cum," sez I, " in behafF uv the outraged Vallandigum, who -is a exile far awaj'." I found that the sile uv Camp Dennj'son wuz alogether too stony to maik preaching for Vallandigtim and free speech very pleasant, for no sooner hed the words left my lips, than a shower uv stuns assailed me; wun, that felt ez tho it wayd a tun, prostrated me. A seriz uv outrages wuz then perpetrated, wich beggars deskripshun. I wuz peltid with offensive eggs, and rotten cabbage, and decayd pertaters ; in fact, at wun time the air wuz so full uv eggs, that I might hev thot, hed I ben poetikle, that the blessid sun wuz a mammoth hen, badly dis- eased, and a layin rotten eggs a milliun a minnit. Finally, wun uv em sez, " Boys, we aint the prizners this feller 's after. Johnson's Island 's wher he wants to go to find his frends." " Yes," sed another, " and to git there yoo go by water ! " Whereupon, these fiends seezed me, and dragged me thro a hoss-troff fifteen er a hundred times. Then they pourd cole ile over me, and wuz a goin to set it afire to dry me, ez they sed, but 1 broke and fled, pursood by one thousand uv these infoori- atid demons. I finally escaped, by passin myself orf ez Horris Greely on to a party uv em who stopt me. I am at present confind to my bed. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in cha/rge. ■1 90 MUCH TKOUBLE. XXIX. WAILETH. Chdkch cv St. Vallandigum, October the 14th, 1863. I'm sad — and sick. My bed is a fountain uv teers, and mine eyes distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied with greet'. My lims ake with woe, my manly form is bowd, and my venrable lox is turned white. 0, Vallandigum, thou hast gone to the grave, and in the same toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo ! "I'll be a nunnery. The fate uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Vallandigum is not only a exile far away, but there is a cheerful prospek, wich is daily improvin, uv his continnenn in the exile biznis fer an in- deifynit period uv time. A tyrannikle President hez taken our old habis corpusses from us, and persistently refuses to furnish lis new wuns ; and the people, hevin acquiest by their votes, we lay bound hand and foot. Men fleein from conskripshen, and sich, kin be seezed and dragged into slavery; cavalry, drest in odjus bloo, hez licence to hunt the pantin fugitive, who, after drawin his bounty and pay, changis his mind, and , The Ohio gubernatorial election, In 1863, was one of the most exciting and hotly-contested of any ever held in the State or in the country. With the Re- publican ranks depleted by the enlistment into the army of vast numbers of the members of that party, and no provision for taking the vote of soldiers in the field, the Democracy had carried its state ticket in 1862. There was no legis- lature elected that year. This victory was claimed as evidence of a reaction against the war for the Union. The banishment of C. L. Vallandigham for stirring up treason, was the occasion for a strong appeal to the sympathy of tlie soft-souled and extremely sympathetic, and he was brought out as the can- didate of the Democracy for the office of governor. This course aroused all the energy of loyal men. John Brough, <■ Democrat of the olden time, was nominated as the Union Republican candidate. He was an eloquent and forcible reasoner, and perfectly familiar with the history of the politics of the state and of the country. He entered into the canvass with great energy, and received strong assistance from the most eloquent and patriotic men of the country. The legislature passed an ai't providing for taking tlie votes of sol- diers in the field, and Brough was elected by a majority of over one hundred thousand. AN ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE. 91 desires to return to the buzum uv his family, and the shootin uv enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be considered a crime. Alas ! The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all fixt, hevin distribitid tikkits, and knowin none of uv em cood skratch em, ez they don't rite enny, I reseevd the returns with a gratifide smile. " Bless you, my children ! you hev done nobly," sez I. Presently a currier arrivd, bringin the disturbin intellygens that the northern countis give BrufF thirty thousand, and two minnits thereafter another arrivd, statin that the suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Bruff thirty-five thousand. With a hart-rendin and sole-tarin shreek, 1 fell a inannymait corps on the flore. ... I awoke. An odor uv suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. It wuz whisky. The worthy woman at whose house 1 board, hed bin rubbin the soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin me small doses uv the restorer thro a funnel. Her exershens restord me to life again. 1 presume the fact uv my owin six months board did not nerve her frajile arm. It wuz revrence. Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted sooiside. I mixt my licker fer a day ; I red a entire number uv the Crisis ; I peroozed " Cotton ia King," " Pulpit Pollytiks," and " Vallan- digum's Record," but all in vane. Ez a last desprit resource, I attemptid to pizon myself by drinkin water, but that failed me. My stumick rejected it — I vomited. I am to much prosterated to oifer either advice or consola- slien to my Dimekratick friends. We air in a stait uv abgect cussitude. To see Waid, and Chase, and Oin Luvgoy, and that 3-ply Abolishnist, Horris Greely, feelin good, is prusic acid and stricknine to us. I shell seek releef from my sorrers in the floin bole. Peteoleum v. Nasby. 92 A DEMOCRATIC PROPAGANDIST. XXX. IN THE "APOSSEL BIZNIS." October the 6th 1863. The sole uv Nasby's foot knows no rest. Etern£|,l viggile'nce is the price uv liberty, and a old Dimekrat who hez never skratched a tikkit, and who never spiles his likker by dilooshn, kin work in these perilus times. I am engaged in organizin societies on the ba>iis uv the Union ez it wuz, the Constitution ez it is, and the nigger wher he ought to be. This employ- ment soots me. The apossel biznis I like. Brot into continool contack with the best uv Dimekrats, I iiev the run uv a tliow- sand jugs — pay regler and libral — facilities for borrerin un- ekalled — I am kontent. I send a few extrax from my journal. MuNDY, 2d. — Kum into Whartensberg afoot. Wuz reseevd with enthooziasm, invited to drink twenty times in ez raennv minits, wich invitashens I acceptid, solely for the good uv the coz. Hevin cast-iron bowils, I survived the trial. Hed a meetin, and adminsterd the oaths to resist drafts and shelterin deserters ; and after exhortin uv them to stand by Dimokrasy, borrered thirty dolers and a clean shirt, and departid. [Pos- krip. — The clean shirt I borrered frum a line about 9 P. M.] ToosDt, 3d. — Houktown wuz the next pint. Dimokrasy all rite to opperate on. Never wuz in a place iu wich nigger wus so hated and feerd. They hev a holesum prejoodis agin every thing black. Wun old patriark shot all his black sheep, paintid a black boss red, and his dawter, a gushin maiden uv thirty- too, askt the objik uv her affeckshins too dy his raven locks white. A rumor that a provo marshel wuz in tiie visinity did the job for him in a single nite. Found em well organizd. Addrest em at length, showin conclusivly that hed Linkin re- sined in favor uv the great Davis, we shood never hed this war; that sich a compermise, and the follerin concessions, wood hev averted blud-shed, to-wit: — The rite uv suffrage to be held only by slave-owners, and sich ez they may designate. The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the wun on sugar. The fillin up uv Boston harber. The AN INTERVIEW WITH LINCOLN. 93 suppreshun uv the Triboon. The hangin uv Giddins, Wade, Stevens, Sataner, and Oin Luvgoy. I dwelt at length on the horrors iiv amalgamashen, and closed with an elokent appele to stand by Vallandigum and pure Dimokras}'. Borrered three dolers on a prommis to re- mit, wich I shel do sum time after next Presidenshel eleckshin. I made the wictim eazy by givin him my note. When men can be made comfortable by simply a note, I alluz do it, if they furnish paper. Benevolens is a prominent trate in my karicter. Wensdy, 4th. — Van Buren wuz my next pint. 'The Dimok- rasy here hav their lamps trimd and burnin. They indoost more soljers to desert than any township in the county, ceptin Amandy and Union. I organized a branch society to-wunst. A blessid feelin pervades here. They jest more than hate niggers, and mor'n twenty babies hev bin named Vallandigum within six months. One enthoosiastic old butternut named a femail infent Vallandighamia, and another named his boy Val- landigum Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong constitooshn, and may live. Things is workin in Allen. I borrered only eight doUers uv the fatheful, wich I shel pay wen one of my rich uncles pegs out. Petroleum V. Nasby, , Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXXI. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT. Chdrch uv St. , November the 1st, 1863. I FELT it my dooty to visit Washinton. The miserable con- dishon the Dimokrasy find themselves into, since the elecshen, makes it necessary that suthin be did, and therefore I de- termined to see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew with the President. 94 WHAT THE DEMOCRACY WANTED. Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus : — " Linkin," sez 1, " ez a Dimekrat, a free-born Dimekrat, who is prepared to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis, for the inalienable rite uv free speech — knowin also that yon er a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, 1 speek." • " Speek on," says he. " I am a Ohio Dimekrat," sez I, " who hez repoodiatid Val- landigum." " Before or since the elecshin did yoo repoodiate him ? " sez he. " Since," retortid I. " I thot so," sed he. " 1 would hev dun it, too, hed I bin you," continnered he, with a goriller-like grin. " We air now in favor uv a viggerus prosecushen uv the war, and we want you to so alter yoor policy that we kin act with you corjelly," sez I. " Say on," sez he. " 1 will. We don't want yoo to change yoor policy materi- ally. We a^e modrit. Anxshus to support yoo, we ask yoo to adopt the foUerin trifling changis : — " Restore to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new. Arrest no more men, wimmin, and children for opinyun's saik. Re- pele the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irritaits the Siithern mind and fires the Suthern hart. Do away with drafts and conskripshens. Revoke the Emansipashen Proclamashen, and give bonds that you'll never ishoo another. Do away with treasury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold. Protect our dawters from nigger equality. Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the niggers to their owners, to conciliate them. Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and pledge the guvernment to remoonerate our Suthern brethren for the losses they hev sustaned in this onnatrel war. Call a conven- shen uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandywood, and myself, to agree upon the terms uv reunion." "Is that all?" sez the goriller. " No," says I, promptly. " Ez a garantee uv good faith to us, we shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to Dimekrats who repoodiate Vallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and MR. LINCOLN'S ANSWER. 95 yoo throw lard ile on the troubled waters. Do this, and yoo rally to yoor siipport thowsends uv noble Dimokrats who went out uv offis with Bookannon, and hev bin gittin ther whiskv on tick ever sinse. We hev rhade sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid Vallandigum, — we care not ef he rots in Canady ; we are willin to jine the war party, reservin to ourselvs the poor privilidge uv dictatin how and on wat principles it shel be carried on. Linkin ! Goriller ! Ape ! I hev dun." The President replide that he would give the matter serious considerashen. He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chase, and Blair, and wood address a circular to the postmasters, et settry, and see how menny uv um wood be willin to resine to accommodait Dimekrats. He bed no dout several wood do it to-wunst. " Is ther an}' littel thing I kin do for you ? " " Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a 'Small post-orifis, if sitooatid within easy range uv a distilry. My'politikle days is well-nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the assendency; let these old eyes wunst more behold the Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought to be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit life around me, and go into delirum tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the seer and j'ellow leef. These whitnin lox, them sunken cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev done ther perfeck work, and that I shel soon go bents. Linkin, scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo." So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and walkd away. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed (Jhurch, in charge. 96 ANOTHER SERMON. XXXII. PREACHES. Church vt St. ■ November 15th, 1863. > I PREECHED yisterday frum the foUerin text: "What shel WE DO TO BE SAVED ? " This, my brethrin, is a important inquiry. ^ Speakin ez a Dimekrat, who for thirty years hez never scratched a tikkit — vewin things frum a Dimekratik stand-pint — I hev no hesita- shen in sayin that we need savin in a eminent degree. The dark waives of fanatticism, wich wuz mere rippels in 1856, were mountin-high in '60, and now they roll unchecked frum Californy to Mane. One island is yet unsquelched. Noo Jersey yet is troo to Dimokrasy — a oasis amid the sterile desert, a green spot by the wayside, a beekon-lite to the shipwreckd mariner, a whisky-jug in Maine. Thank hevin for Nod Jei'sey — halleloogy ! I am prowd to say that I, yoor paster, wuz born in Noo Jersey ; that my father sawd wood for the President uv the Camden and Amboy, and my mother wuz his washerwoman. Umble wuz our lot ; but wat sez the good book ? " It is better to be a door-keeper at the house uv Dimokrasy than a postmaster in the tents uv Ablishnism." But to resoom : — "Wat shel we do to be saved? This inquiry is uv pekOolyer interest jest now. Let me ask. Why do we need savin? Pimokrasy is the pure, refind salt uv the guverment — to speek uv savin salt is a absurdity. Ah ! my frends, wile Dimokrasy savd the guverment, the guverment savd Dimok- rasy. It wuz a strikin illustrashen uv the eternal fitness uv things. So long ez my venrable frend hed a post-orifis, he wood be wuss than a loonatik ef he did not sustane the guver- ment that give him the post-orifis. Every thing went on, so long ez we hed the post-orifises. Wat we want just now is votes ; and how to get em is the question. Whisky used to do it; but, alq« ! the amount uv whisky nessary to convert a Ablishnist to Dimokrasy wood kill him afore he cood vote they not being seasond vessels. THE PANACEA FOR DEHOCEATIC WOES. 97 We lost control, my brethren, by bein stubborn. ! let us dodge that fatal errer. The last elecshen showd that we cood not lead the people — let the people lead us. Ef the people want war, let us be war men ; ef they want peece, let us sing hosanners to peece ! Ef they want war in Ohio, let Ohio Dimekrats be war men, and ef Noo York wants peece, let em be peece men. Our platform is broad enuff to accom- modate all ; and on the mane question, which is post-orifis, we kin all -agree — halleloogy ! Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we will considder that uv works, for faith without works is uv no more use than a whisky- punch without the whisky. Ther must be no draft — the men must be razed by voltinteerin. Exstrordinary indoose- ments must be held out for Abolishnists to enlist; for evry wun who goes, stands a lively chance uv troublin us no more. We must hev our voters back frum Canady. My frends, ther were enuff' good Dimekrats in Canady to hev saved Ohio and Noo York. They must be hum to-wunst. We need em. We hev not suffishently improved the nigger — we neglect- ed him. Ther is two sides to the war question ; but on nigger we air invulnerable. Why ? yoo ask. Becoz he has no frends. The Abolishnists air afeerd to defend him, and by tacking uv him to them, we hev wan many a fite. O, bless the Lord for the nigger ! He is our tower uv strength. My brethrin, we hev a big job afore us. Let us dally no longer. Think uv the consekences uv another defect. Sech uv our Dimekratik leeders ez did not git commishns in the army air in a bad way. They can't git whisky on tick for- ever. Sum uv em hev got so low ez to be obliged to drink dilootid camfene, wich hez a bad effek upon the stumick. I tried it wunst. They must be releevd. They must hev their posishens and ther regler salaries, for without em ther stumicks is gone. Brethrin, to the breech to-wunst. My Church depuytized me to assertane the wherabouts uv sum Dimekrat who hezn't exprest a opinyun since the war commenst, and tender him the nominashen for the Presidensy. Petroleum Y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 7 98 A RADICAL CHANGE. XXXIII. SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC 'PARTY. Chukch uv St. ..} December the 2d, 1863. I AM not apt to change. Bz the Samist sez, " Wunst I wnz yiing, but now I am old ; " but yung or old, it hez alluz bin the same with me. Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and Dimokrasy my tickit, wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to em with a fidelity ekaled by few and surpast by none. But the time hez cum for a radical change, in order to save the .good old party I hev ornamented so long. The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin is gone in. To use figgerativ langidge, wich will be understood in the circles in wich I am accustomed to move, Linkin has made -four already, and holds high, low, and jack. So long as ther wuz any chance for the 15 Dimekratik states to succeed, it was natrel for us to help em, for we cood easy jine with em agin ; but ez they are past prayin for, wat is wisdom for us ? Clearly to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral reedin I wunst found a histry uv a steward who wuz about losin his place. Like Hamlet, he soliloquizd : " Wat kin I do ? I can't Avork, I don't fancy beggin, and hev n't got the green- bax to start a grocery." (Groceries wuz cash in Judee.) A lucky thot emerged frum his Websterian intellek. " I hev it," sez he to hisself. " I am yet steward. I will giv receets in full to them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv trouble cums I'll board with em." The pint is plane. While in the service uv our Suthrin masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin brethrin. We did beat em, and choak em, and did despitefully use em. We can't count on the Sutherners no more — let us elevate the nigger to the place his master okepide in the party. Like the steward aforesed, let us do good to them we was wunst hard on, that we may hev frends when we need em. Let that hory old dotard, Tawny, be assassinated, and sum wun appinted in A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. 99 his place, that will reverse his decision, that they hedent eny rites that wite men was bound to respeck ; let Samcox and Fernandywood interdoose bills abolishin slavery in the states, and givin evry Afrikin brother a quarter secshun iiv land, a two-hoss team, a red bunnit with artifishel flowers on to it, make em citizens, and tiien we'd get evry wun iiv em. This wood give us the fifteen Suthrin states as in the happy days uv j'ore, and the 500,000 uv our cullered brethrin, now in Canady, cood be brot back to the land uv their nativity, and distributed thro Ohio and Noo York, so ez to redeem them states frum the rule uv misgided Republikins. This plan is fesible, and pekoolyerly adapted to the Dimekratik mind, wich is flexible — very. Let it be adoptid, and wunst more will the good old party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury bildins ; wunst agin will the chosen few dror regler salaries ; and the nashen flourish under the blessins we lost whea Bookannon, the gileless, retired to private life. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXXIV. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents ) (Lait St. Vallandigum), December the Hth, 1863. i YiSTpRDAY I heerd a Ablishnist remark, " The world moves." The observashen (wich I hev heerd frequently uv late) set me into a trane uv refleckshen. My comprehensive mind sprang back into the misty days uv the past, and I wuz a boy agin. Twenty-six years ago I wuz a splittin my symetrikle throte a hoUerin for Van Booren. Them wuz the pammy days uv Dimokrasy. Androo Jaxon bed left us his name ez capital for us to do iDiznis on wile he wuz out tiv the way, and coodent interfere with our steelin, wich wuz comfortable. We wuz beaten, but wuz still strong and viggerous, knowin that we 100 THE GOOD OLD TIMES, cood manage to live doorin Harrison's reign on wat we hed stolen doorin Van Booren's, the facilites liavin been unlimitid. 0, them times ! Ther wuz Cass, and Davis, and Dickinson, and Calhoon, and Tooms, and Bill Allen, and Duglis (who wuz jest ^■omin in), and Ritchy, and Benton, and Isaer Rynders, and Wise, and Yankee Sullivan — a gloreous galaxy uv ' intellec- tooal and muskuler Dimokrasy, sech ez the world never seed afore, and never will agin. Wuz Abolishnisra tolratid in them liappy daze? Not enny. 0, with what ardor Lovejoy wuz shot at Alton ! How viggerusly the Dimokrasy laberd to throw his press into the turbid waters uv the Missisipi ! Wood, O wood that we cood hev sunk his doctrines with his press ! Did we allow Abolishn talk ? Nary. These stalwart arm hev hurled baskitfuls uv unsavry eggs at the pedlers uv polittikle heresy, and my skill in eggin Abolishn lecturers wunst made me justis uv the peese in my native township. In the South, every hill side wxtz dottid with the carcasses uv Noo Ingland skoolmarms, who, hevin bin suspected uv teechin niggers to rede, wuz justly hung ; and the pleasant crack uv the whip wuz heard all over the land. 'O, them Arcadian days, wen it only took 20 minits to arrest, try, sen- tence, hang, and divide the close uv a Yankee skool-teacher ! But, alas ! heresies crep into bur ranks, and ther wuz con- fooshun. Van Booren bolted and beat Cass ; and, notwith- standin he repentid afterwards, the Abolishn pizon he inter- doost into, the Dimekratik body pollytik, remaned. It broke out in ugly sores in Ohio in 1848, in the shape uv the feendish Free-sile party^'^TheiTGhase and Brinkerhoff sluffed orf, and jind with our anshent eiiemies. Jest afterward the Anti- Nebrasky excitement, cuppled with No-nothinism, whaled us, and it wiiz only b^' sooperhooman eggsershens that we electid Bookannon. Since, it hez bin nothin but disaster. Bookannon and Duglis got by the ears ; Duglis refoosed to cave to his Suthrin brethrin ; Linkin wuz electid; war ensood; and now wat do these old eyes behold ? Cass, and Ben Butler, and Logan, and Dix, and Dickinson, and Dave Tod, strikin hands with Josh Griddins and Horris Greely ! It is a singular fact that every leader we used to trust is now agin us. And wuss. Abolishn papers is be in publisht in South Karliny, in Tennisee, AND THE DEGENERATE TO-DAY. 101 O Kentucky, and Loozeaner, and a million uv men, led bv th gliosts and ghostesses uv them hung schoolmasters and school- marms aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is litterally a marchin on, is enfbrcin a proclamashen freein all the niggers at wun stroke,, and the Dimokras}', bein sum hundreds uv thowsands in the minority, is powerless to prevent it. Trooly, the world moves. It hez moved the Dimokrasy trom the pedestal uv power it wunst okepide, and laid it prostrate. It hez elevatid men we despised, and adoptid idees we scoft at. Yunger men may stiift and git into the tide agin, but ez lor me, I cant. I shel make wun more effort, and if we fail — why, then, I shel withdraw from public life, and start a grocery, and in that umble callin will flote peecefiilly down the stream uv time, until my weather-beten bark strikes on the rocks of death, gittin my licker in the meantime (uv wich I consume many) at wholesale prices. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXXV. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. Chuech 0v the Slawterd Innocents ) (Lait St. Vallandiguni), December the 19th, 1863. \ I HEV bin for many years disposed to bleeve in speritooalism. Ther is suthin pleasant in the idee uv bein in communicashen with them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznably supozed that frum their sta,n-pint they kin see things in a more clearer lite than we who is encumbered with clay. Akordingly, I invited a distingisht mejum to visit my flock. * * * A circle wuz formed, and I wuz requestid to call for the sperit uv sum wun. Havin a few Abolishnists present, whoml wisht to enliten on politikle topics, I called for Thomas Jefferson. 102 THE SPIRITS OF THE FATHERS. " Thomas/' sez I, " wuz yoo the father uv Dimokrasy ? " (I use my own language, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz elegant.) " I wuz." " Thomas, are the party now barin the name yoor child ? " " Not any. It's a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon, and that old hag, State-Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is them ez supports the guverment I helpt to make." " But, Thomas, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war for the purpus uv freein niggers ? " The spirit rapt out with awful distinknis : " We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that all men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing inalianable rites, among wich is life, liberty — " At this pint t stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not Thomas Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn preeoher use the same language at a 4th uv July celebra- shen. I then called Androo Jaxon, who respondid. " Androo," sez I, " woodent yoo like to be back on earth, jist now ? " " Yoo kin bet I wood," retortid he. " I'd like to hev bin President in the place uv that old, white-livered, black-cockade Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin ! Ther wood hev bin vacancies in Congris, and jest es many funerals ez ther wuz vacancies. As for South Carliny — " The communicashen ceased, and I heerd a sound like the grittin uv teeth. It resoomed : " I'd string up Vallandigum, and Pernandy wood, and Samme- dary, et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on them indivijuels ef I hed control of the habis corpus ; I'd — " I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz, also, ondoubted- ly a imposter. I called for Benton, who merely sed that Missoury wuz comin to her senses in gittin rid uv slavery,; and for Duglis, who remarkt that he cood say uv the temple uv Dimokrasy ez the Savior sed of the temple, " My house is cald a house of prayr, but ye hey made it a den of theeves ; " both of whom wuz onquestionably imposters. Another sperit (probably of a deceest Ablishnist) sed that Benedict Arnold and Judis -N.liBV CoMiUL'NINO WITH TflE SPIRIT OF ANDREW JaCKSON. 1'- I0'2. THE LAST WORDS OF DOUGLAS. 103 Iseariot hadent bin on speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot hevin called Arnold a copperhead. Arnold sed he'd never stand that. Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word to say. '■ The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate, but it had got into bad hands, and gone crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needed new managers — men uv suffishent sense and honesty to run the party on old principles. In the old hands, it wuz a patri- otic party — a party that wuz alluz for the country. It whaled the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv the old Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico, and afterwards smasht the Whig party for "not helpin. Now, for the Dimokrasy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only commenst it, but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy unekaled in the history uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny pollytishns who hev thieved the mantels wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton (they look in em jest about as well as a orgin grinder's monky wood in a soljer's overcoat, and fill em jest as much), get on to a war platform, and — " I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny further, pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz all a snickrin. It's my privit opinion that ther's nothin reliable about it. Hed the sperits bin reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism. However, it did me very well. The mejum took up a colleckshun uv six dollars, wich, by a singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount I hed intendid to charge him for the use uv my church. He grumbled, but finally sheld out. I am now warin a new pare uv pants. Peteoleum y. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 104 ESTABLISHES WHITE SLAVERY, XXXVI. TRIES AN EXPERIMENT. Church vv the Slawtekd Inkocents ) (Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 25tli, 1863. ) Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the human family. Wile they assent to a principle, they never will put it into practis, ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijuels ; to-wit : — I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a course uv lekters on the divinity uv slavery. I argood that the institooshun wuz based upon the- infeeriority uv wun man to another ; that it wuz not only a wise but a beautiful pervisioh uv nacher that the strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin and protektin and a workin uv them. The idee pleased my congregashun vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest perposed that it shood be put into practis, jest to show the world that the grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North as in the South; to wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the congregashun shood try ther strength, and them ez cood lift 600 lbs. shood own and possess, in fee-simple, all them ez cpodent. The trial wuz hed, the divishen made,' and 1 wuz happy at bein the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate iDstitooshen on Northrin sile. But, alas ! owin to the perversity uv the human mind afore' said, it dident work. Old John Podhammer raised his 600 with the gratest ease, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin for him for $12 a month, coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to Bill's cabin the next mornin, and sez he : — " Wilyum, from this time hentzforth and furever, yoo air my man. As all a slave hez is his masters, the $18 I owe yoo, or that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz establisht, I she] keep, and as yoo hev more furnitoor than befits yoor lowly AND THEN DISESTABLISHES IT. lOO' condishen, I will send a team over to-morrer, and take yer beauro and stand and bedstids up to my house ; and — " At this junctur in comes Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 lbs., with old Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore she diskivered what his biznis wuz. She turned red in the face. Said she, — " Yoor goin to take my ftirnitoor ? " " Certingly." " And we air your slaves ? " " Uv course." " And yoo can sell my children ? " " Naterally." " And yoo kin make me yoor conkebine ? " " Ef I "wish." " Yoo old beast ! " shreekt the infooriated female chattel, for- gettin her normal condishun. " Yoo sell ray babies ! Yoo take my furnitoor ! Drat ye, I'll give ye sum uv it now ! " where- upon she hurled a chare, wich laid him prostrait on the floor, when she pickt him up, and flung him out the door. It did not end here. Podhammer hed in his hand a patch- work coverlid, wich he thot he wood take with him, and when he cum to, he walked ofi" with it, whereupon Mrs. Snifiles hed him took up on a charge uv steelin, and he was actooally tried, found guilty, and sent to jail for thirty daj's. How kin we establish Dimekratik institoosbens when the courts won't rec- ognize the laws of nacher? ' Petrolbhtm V. Nasbt, Pastor uv aed Vhurch, in charge. 106 TBIES AN EXPERIMENT WITH NEGRO SLAVERY, XXXVII. ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. Chobch uv the Slawterd Innocents > (Lait St. Vallandigum), January the IGtli, 1864. I Trouble are comin upon me thicker and faster. " Men change, but principles, never," hez bin a motto uv ihine for years, and bleevin in the grate principle of the strong owning the weak — or, in other words, slavery — I shel never cease my efforts to make it universal. Ther bein a onreasonable prejudice in the minds uv the weak uv my congregashen aginst bein the perpetooal servance uv them as nacher hez made to rod, I called a special meetin of my flock, to consider the matter. I interdoost it thus : — ' By Hager, I proved that slavery was scriptooral. By " cussid be Kanan," et settry, I shode concloosively that the nigger wuz the identikle indivijjle who wuz to be the sed slave aforesed. Then it wuz put to vote, and it wuz unanimusly resolvd, that Afriken slavery be interdoost amongst us. I notist, with pleasure, that the poorer the indivijjle, the more anxshus he seemed to own a nigger. Opinions were then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who is a carpenter, and who never saved a dollar, hevin alluz hed a sick wife and a large family of children, sed he felt that a grate work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo-Saxun, whom nacher intended to rool, hed bin that nite elevatid to his normal speer. Hentzfbrth ther wuz no more labor for him. He hed a contrak to bild a house for brother Podhammer, and he hed no doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest with means, wood make up a puss, and enable him to buy a nigger carpen- ter to do his work. Brother Podhammer aroze. He, uv coarse, wood be glad to assist brother Kitt, but dooty to his own family required a diflfrent line uv action. His idee wuz to purchis a nigger carpenter hisself, and — " WHAT ! " exclaimed Kitt. WUICH Al,SO FAILED. 107 Brother Podhammer resoomd.-'He intended to buy a nigger carpenter hisself, and bild his iiouse. The cheef beauty uv the grate system, and the wun that makes, it altogetiier luvly, is, that yoo kin buy yoor labor. " But," sed Kitt, " what kin 1 do if yoo work nigger carpenters ? " " Trooly," sez Podhammer, '' I know not. A carpenter kin be purchist for $1000, the interest uv wich is $60, and his keepin, say $100 more, per annum. Now, ef Brother Kitt will cum to them wages, and be modritly umble, I mite, for his sake, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a nigger to flog, and still employ him." " But," sez Kitt, turnin pale, " my family wood starve on them wages. Why, I mite ez well be a nigger myself." At this pint I lifted up my voice. I exorted Brother Kitt to patience. The grate Dimekratik idee, that capital shood own labor, must be establisht. It may bare hard upon indivijjles, but wat then? John Rogers went camly to the stake for principle. Ef Brother Kitt doth not like to accept his normal condishen to-wunst, he kin go to sum less favored country, wher the grate instooshon is not establisht. Brother Podger, a blacksmith, sed he supposed the rich uns wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrate. Brother Snipes, a plasterer, made a similar observashen. Brother Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise. Whereupon they all, in chorus, similarly exclaimed they'd see us d — d fust, and then they woodent. Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen establishin slavery. Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last Sundy, and the postmaster told me that they bed sent off a club for the Anti- Slavery Standard.. Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard road to travel I beleeve. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 108 A MILITARY NOMINATION. XXXVIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OP A MILITARY MAN. Chukch uv the Slawtekd Innocents ) (Lait St. Vallandiguni), January the 21st, 1864. ^ I NOTICE in the Dimekratik papers a desire to make General Micklellau or General Grant our nominee for the Presidency. Sooisidel ijee ! I pertest ! Time hezn't tetched my flowin locks with frost, and furrowd my massive brow for nothin. Peopil hev sumtimes doubted my honesty, but my talence, never. I don't aUuz pay, but I never failed in borrerin — wich is useful. Therefore I throw myself into the breech, and demand a hearin. I am inflexibly opposed to Micklellan's nominashen. I hev faith in the qoundnis uv his Dimokrasy, but none watever in his ability. Look at it. He wuz placed in a posishen to help the Dimokrasy, but instid, he (by weaknis) well nigh rooind it. He hed under his control 180,000 Abolishnists. A man uv genius wood hev destroyed em all, whareas he only sunk about the half, leavin the rest to live and vote agin us. A nominee uv the Dimokrasy must be a man able to control other men. Is he sich? Not any. Did he not let that born devil, Hooker, and Kerny, and Mansfeeld (who wuz killed, halleloogy ! ) brake away and fite our Suthrin brethren at Anteetum and elsewher, killin jest ez many Suthern Dimekrats ez wuz killed uv the Ablishnists ? Troo, he stopt it ez soon ez he cood. Troo, him and Fitsjon Porter laid out Pope, and kep him from beetin our Suthern frends. Troo, he did Linkin ez much hurt, and Davis ez much good, ez wuz in him ; but the work he mite hev dun wuz only 'half dun. His ijee wuz not our ijee. His stratejy wuz to shashay backerds and forerds, until both sides wuz eggsaustid, and then patch up a compermise. We wantid Linkin histid to wunts ; and hed ther been a proper under- standin atwixt him and Lee, Jefferson Davis mite hev bin in the White House, and we, the pure Dimokrasy, mite not only hev hed the postrorifises, but hev bin a revelin on the confisti- catid estaits uv Abolishnists, wich wood hev bin constooshnel. THE STYLE OF MAN NEEDED. 109 I hed my egle eye fixt on a sheep-farm uv 360 akers ; but, alas ! I got it not. Then the iron entered my sole ! Then I cust the imbecihty uv the man who swindled me out uv the farm I looged for. I'll none uv him. Avant ! Ez for Grant, my sole rekoils with horror at the bare ijee. Wat ! nominate a man whose willin sord drips with the gory life-blud uv unwillin Dimekratik saints ! Never ! Forbid it, hevin ! Marry the gentle virgin Peace to a soljer drenchd in goar ! I, Nasby, forbid the bans ! The trooth is, we air gittin wild. A man can't look two ways without doin violence to his organs uv vishen. Ef per- sistid in, he'd bekum cross-eyed. We commenst with our faces southward. Ther our hope lies. Let us keep our eyes that way. Ef we nominate a war man, and turn a back spring onto a war platform, wat better air we than the Gen- tiles ? Sech jimnastics are purty to see, -but they rench the jimnastist. No ! let us go on ez we begun. Ez peace men, our case is not hopeless. The new and unconstooshnel j;ax onto whisky keeps the orthodox Dimokrasy strate (tho at our expense), and a lucky Confedrit victry in the spring wood turn the week- kneed war men into peace howlers. Good hevins ! air, we insane ? Shel we throw away sech weapins ez taxis, conscrip- shen, nigger, free speech, et settry, and bow the knee to Linkin ? Never ! ' Wat we want is these : 1. A peace man for a oandidait. 2. More marters. Ef the outrajed Vallandigum, and Jessee Brite, and George E. Pugh wood, for the good xiv the party, consent to be driven to desprashen by the tyranny uv the Administrashen, and commit sooicide, it wood b'e a trump card for us. What movin appeals we cood make over ther dead bodies. I'll rite to em on the subgik. 3. The formashen uv Aid Societis to defray the expensis uv the campane, wich will be enormus, owin to the tax on whisky. 4. Confedrit victrys, and lots uv em, wich not only kills off Ablishn voters, but disheartens the war men north. 110 AN EFFORT AT STRATEGY. 5. The libral preechin uv a pure gospil, nntaintid with Ablishnism. With these we kin win ez easy ez I used to turn jack from the bottom, wen I wuz in a state uv unregenerashen. A peace Dimekrat for President ! 0, happy thot ! The for- rin mishns ! The custom-houses ! The post-orfises ! Fn short, the treasury ! Let us be wise, and these is ourn. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XXXIX. TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST. } Church cv the Noo Dispensashun, February the lOtli, J864. The old Dimokrasy hez lost its anshent sperit. I know not why, but a gloomy forebodin ez to our fucher hez hed poseshun uv my sole for sevral weeks past. I notist that the farmers belongin to my flock wuz a savin up greenbax, and hed quit callin uv em rags ; many refoozd to contribbit to the Vallan- digum Fund, and the collecshun for the benefit uv the Confed- rit prizners at Johnson's Island wuz a total failure, in consekens uv wich I am doin without a overkote this cold weather, wich is unclerikle. And wuss than this — I hev heard, recently, members uv the congregashun discussin the skarsity uv labor, and I actooally heard wiin uv em dam Jeff Davis instid uv Linkin ! I felt that suthin must be dun, and I set about to do it. I hed been preachin considable on the subgik uv a nigger imigrashen, and ez the dislike uv nigger is chronic in the Dimekratik mind, I thot I wood stir em up with the nigger wunst more. So I blacked myself all over, and puttin on a soot uv old close, I startid out afore daylite, pintin for Square Gavitt's, who alluz wuz a invetrit hater uv the nigger. The old man saw me a comin, and I spectid nothin less than a bul- A TERRIBLE FALLING OFF. Ill let thro me ; but for the grate cause, I hed determined to risk even that. But, to my horror,/the Square sed " Good mornin," and askt wher 1 wuz from. I told him I wuz a runaway slave from Virginny; tiiat 32,000 startid the same day 1, did; and that the rest wood be along in a day or two. 1 spozd he wood bile at this ; but he didn't. Ho pulled from his breast-pockit the iamiliar old bottle, and invited me to take hold, wich I did, wondrin why he wuz so pleasent to a nigger. Alas for Dimok- rasy! I soon found out HE WANTED TO HIRE ME to work for him. Ez the words fell from his lips, I well nigh faint- ed ; but my consternashen wuz redoubled when he askt me if I couldn't git him three or four more kulerd men ! " Kulerd MEN ! " thot I, in agony. 0, Avat a softnin down from the " Nigger " uv a yeap ago ! Sadly I retraced my steps. Washing oif my disgise, I felt, for the first time in my life, utterly and enljirely retched. Wen Dimekrats git to callin niggers " kulerd men," and want em to work beside em, and drink out uv the same bottle with em, wat better air they than Ablishnists ? The fucher uv the Dimok- rasy is, indeed, dark and gloomy. We can't move the peeple ez we used to. They pay the taxis, and say they ain't so heavy after all. They hev diskivered that guverment munUj' isn't wuthless ; they won't talk enny more about resistin the draft — on the contrary, they are raisin monej' to send Dimekrats. into the army, wich alluz cums back rantin Ablishnists, a knockin down peace men, and forcin em to take the oath. Farmers eildoor the high prices uv prodooce with a pashense and ekanimity wonderful to behold. Yisterday Bill Sipes sold his sorril mare for $150, and insistid on hevin his pay all in greenbax. I warned Wilyum uv the risk he was runnin in keepin so much uv that stuff, wen he impudently exclaimed, « Stuff! hay ! Old Nosey, that's playd out." " Old Nosey ! " " Playd out ! " This to his spiritooal father, his paster, and guide^! Whair air we driftin? Wat we are to do to stem the tide that is eettin agin us is more than I know. A good, decisive, Confedrit victry wood help us ; but, alas ! I see no probability uv that. It's too lait to talk uv compermise, for there's hardly enuff left uv the South to compermise with. I'm sick. I'm sorry I supported 112 A PARABLE. Vallandigum. I wish I had been a war man. My congrega- shen is gittin lookwarm, and don't pay their quartrage reglar, and the grocery-keepers are intimatin that before long I must begin to pay for my licker •! Wher will it end ? Petroleum V. Nasby, Pastor uv sed Ghwrch, in charge. I — H>®^«B%©l«B#>©4N — XLI. AGAIN EEPUDIATES M'CLELLAN, AND GIVES REA- SONS THEREFOR. Church irv the Noo Dispensashun, , February the 29th, 1864. The ijeotic ijee uv nominatin Micklellan apperes to be gainin ground among the Dimokrasy. Whenever a party gits a goin down hill, it seems ez ef double-distilled loonacy invariably takes holt uv the engineers, instid uv the cool, calm wisdom nessary to histe it back into ascendency. I object to the nominashen uv Micklellan for these reasons : 1st. We can't win with him. Who's a goin to vote for him? The old hard-headed peace man, who objeks to drafts, won't, becoz, wile he wuz in command he laid, in the swamps uv the Chickhominy, the foundashen for a purty heavy draft ; besides, he is still drawin pay ez a ginral in this unholy croosade. The War Dimekrats won't, coz, ez a orfiser operatin agin the South, he wuz not eggsactly a Napoleon. Indeed, a ag- greeved frend uv mine from Georgy likend him unto a kickin shot-gun — dangerous only to them ez held it. He hasn't the elements uv success in him, ez I kin see. He wuzn't born uv poor but honest parence ; he never druv horses on the canal ; he dident study rithmetic by the fire in a log-cabin ; neether did he walk barefoot, in the dead uv winter, thirteen miles to beg a Congressman to git him into West Pint. There's no precedent for his nominashen. My second reason is : THE PARABLE OF THE CIRCUS RIDER. 115 2d. Ef electid, he woodent be uv any yoose to me and sich ez I am. Let any Dimekrat who hez bin waitin for ofSs four weary yeres, look at this. Who is his frends — his neerest? Wy, Fitsjon Porter and that clan. I waz a thinkin uv it over, and 1 bleev it'll do ez a rool, that the court-marsheld and dismist orfisers are all Micklellan men ; and, wen I kum to think uv it, I never knew a deserter that wuzn't. Uv course he'd hev to pervide for em, and wher'd be our chance ? Wy, ther's enuff uv these to fill all the orfises, from Secertary uv State down to the umblest post-orifis. Agin : Spose that, ez soon ez he's electid, he shood conclood not to hev peace, and shood undertake to finish the war hisself. It wood be jest like him, coz he reely hez a ijee that he's a gineral. Then the sponsibility uv his doins wood rest with the Dimokrasy, wich Hevin forbid. To think uv us bein spon- sible for a Peninsooler campane ! Uv course, the Dimokrasy wood then hev to volunteer. Think uv his leavin a hundred and twenty thousend ded Dimekrats atwixt Washinton and Richmond ! He wuz all well enuff wen the men to be left with ther toes up wuz Ablishnists. It wood be sooiside on an onparalleld scale to trust him with that many Dimekrats. Agin I say, Heavin forbid ! We want a peace man. There's no room for us anywheres else ; neether kin we face two ways. 1 wunst attendid a cir- kus, and beheld with astonishment the trooly grate feets uv hogsmanship and sich. Wun rider, who wuz also the moral and instructive inJ3--rubber man, wuz intoxicatid, and conseetid he cood ride two bosses, each goin a diflFrent way. Tyin his feet to the spiritid steeds, he startid em ; but, alars ! in a sec- ond he wuz ript in two pieces, and the arena wuz drencht with his goar. Let us take warnin by his sad fate. Our boss is not a war-hoas — his naim is Peace, and we must hev a man upon whose garments ther is no smell uv blood. The gentle Brite, the grate Vallandigum, the akoot Fernandywood, the elegant Samcox, any wun uv that pecoolyer stripe will do us, and give us ground to go on. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 116 ROBERT TOOMS PUNT. XLII. ORDAINS A MISSIONARY. Chukch uv the Noo Dispensashuk, March the 17th, 1864. Last Sunday we hed an improvin season. Robert Tooms Punt, who hez bin a atudyin for the ministry with me for the past four weeks, wuz licenst and ordained. He is a youth uv much promise. He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18 yeres old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and ease that eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at the biznis. I kin safely say that he hez whaled more Ablishnists, bustid more Methodist Brethrin, and other hetrodox Churches, than any Dimekrat uv his age in the Stait. He hez a brilliant future. After the usual questions wuz put to him, and satisfactorily ansered, the congregashen wuz dismist, and, in the presence uv the elders and deacons alone, I delivered the follerin charge. , Bhother: Hevin bin reglerly ordained, it only remains for me to give yoo a word uv council. Yoo are a goin into the apossel biznis at a rather unfavorable time. Man, wich is born uv woman, hez trouble for his inheritance. I've hed so much uv it that, ef I hed it to do over agin, I woodent be born at all. The politikle heavins is orecast with portenshus clouds. The litenin uv wrath is leapin frum wun to another, whilst the thunder, wich wuz wunst at a distance, now roars angrily in our ears. The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin madly onto the wild waves, with nary a sale set, her seams open, the water (a furrin element to her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest part uv her crew hev seezed the boats and abandoned her, and the rest uv em are a fitin for the helm. In the mean time the old ship is dashin past the haven uv Success, and is headin strate for the rocks uv Destrucshen. To yoo is intrusted a part uv the work uv savin her. Let me entreat yoo — 1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev nothin in common. RULES FOR A DEMOCRATIC MISSIONARY. 117 They will despitef'uUy use yoo. Wunst a party uv em made me drink a pint uv water and take the oath uv allegianse, wich outrages wuz foUered by conjestion uv the bowils and inflamashen uv the brain. 2. AUuz preech agin the nigger. It's soothin to a ginooine, constooshnel, suthern-rites Dimekrat to be constant!}' told that ther is a race uv men meaner than he is. Besides, it's safe — the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might vary. 3. Alluz hev a marter. The stait-rites Dimokras}' alluz sympathize with a man that's in basteels for sympathisin witli the South, for nun uv em know how soon their turn may come. 4. Preedi agin amalgamashen at leest four Sundays per month. A man uv straw that yoo set up yerself is the easiest knockt down, pertikelerly if yoo set him up with a view uv knockin uv him down. 5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts. It takes much to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo use the pure artikle, it wood kill a ordnary constooshn afore he'd hev time to vote, wich wood be aggervatin. 6. Sarch the skripters faithfully for sich passages ez " Cussid be Kanan," " Servance, obey yoor masters," and sich. 7. Learn to read, or at least git the. shape uv the letters so fixt in yoor mind that when yoo quote from a book or noose- paper, you will hold it rite side up. Bddicashen hez bin a grate help to me. 8. Learn to spell and pronounce Missenegenegenashun. It's a good word. The great leadin ijees uv our sect, wich it is yoor dooty to inculcate, is these : The nigger's a ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff Davis a chrischen gentleman, the rebellion a struggle for rites, the soljer a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beast, et settry. Yoo are never to bleeve in Pedral victorys, but must alluz credit Confedrit successes. I woodent advise yoo to let yoor faith in the Confedrisy go so fur as to take their skrip on yer salary, neither wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my brother. Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer rallyin cry, " The Yoonyun ez it wuz — the Constooshn ez it is," wich is latitood- inus ; fite the good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay 118 A PSALM or PRAISE, orf yer armor, and with " P. M." after yoor name, enjoy the repose that alluz follows well-directid and viggerus effort. Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy, wher he hez a congregashen. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XLIII. GIVES THANKS. ChUKCH uv the NoO D18PEN8A8HUN, ) May the 4th, 1864. 5 To THE Fatheful : The recent victrys acheevd by our frends in the South is worthy uv epeshel thanksgivin. I therefore direct that the follerin sam shel be chantid in evry church on the last Sundy in May : A SAM uv praise! I wuz cast down and trodden under foot. Becoz the wicked wuz exalted, and the saints wuz iimbled. Becoz the people worshipt Linkin and spat upon Vallandigum; becoz they trustid Chase, and woodent hev nothin to do with Fernandywood at no price. Becoz the hosts uv Linkin pervailed over the hosts uv JeflF. Therefore my mind wuz troubled, and my sole wuz con- stipated. And I cast ashes upon my head, and bewailed, sayin : Wo is me. Linkin will agin sit in high places — him and his servance — and we she! hunt our holes. Ther shel be uv apointments and places uv profit a thousand and ten-skore, but for us nary ,wun. Our enemies shel hev post-orifises and shel be clothed in goodly raiment, while we shel hev to dig or beg. WITH A TEULY DEMOCEATIC EESOLUTION, 119 Our food shel be sorrer, and our whisky ehel be made weak with our own tears. Thus wept we. But our sorrer wuz turnd to joy and our waihngs to gladnis. For Forrest hath smote the niggers at Fort Pillow, and spared not one. And Dick Taylor hez whipt Banks at Red River. And Hoke hez tooken Plymouth, and slayed the defenders thereof. And Lee, him who aforetime spiled Micklellan, and Burnside, and Hooker, shel chaw up Grrant ; yea, he will bust him. And he shel take Washinton ; and Lmkin, and Chase, and Seward shel be hung upon a gallus forty kubits. Then shel the faithfiil hev ther rewards, and be happy for keeps. For niggers shel be plenty, and evry wun shel hev uv them men-servants and maid-servants, and home-made servants, and conkebines. And the rivers shel be whisky, and the banks thereof sugar, and the faithful shel drink their fill. And I shel borrer no more ; for, lo ! I shel revel upon the spoils uv the Abolish. And my nose shel shine ez the .fire, and my face shel glisten with fatnis. Sing a new song, my people, for uv late did ye sing small ! Make a joyful noise, for yer enemies ehel be put under yer feet, and you shel hev post-orifises. Note to the Pastors. -^Ef Grant whips Lee, make a fast uv the day, and omit the last half uv the sam. Peteoi,eum V. Nasby, Pmter uv sed phurch, in chao-ge. 120 A LAMENTATION. XLIV. WAILBTH. May the 16th, 1864. f To THE Churches : A calamity hez befallen us ! Lee is whaled. This afflicshun hez bin sent for sum good purpus. "We hev not bin faithful, and hev bin chastized. 0, how we must hev neglectid our dooties, to hev brot this upon us ! Hev we resistid drafts ez we shood ? Hev we bin instant, in season and out uv season, in killin niggers ? Hev we used doo dili- gense in mobbin hetrodox Churches ? For these and other short-comins we are now payin. The foUerin sam uv hoorailia- shen will be chantid on the second Sunday uv Joon, in all the Churches in my diocese : — A WALE ! Lift up yer voices mournfly, my people ! Howl, ye saints! howl like unto the hungry wolf and the disapinted jackal. Cry out like wun who hath a great pain — like him who suf- freth with belly-ake. Cast ashes upon yer head, Fernandywood, and clothe yer- self in sack-cloth. Hev another coUeckshuu taken up, Vallandigum, and pay yer board a year or two in advance, for yer exel is lengthened. Weep and wale, and gnash yer teeth, Dimokrasy, for yoo hev bin measured, and yer coffin ordered, and the day uv yer funeral apinted ; and lo ! the corpse will be ready. For the biter hez bin bit ; yea, the strong man hez bin over- come. Grant, who wuz to hev bin whipt, wuz not whipt; on the contrary, quite the reverse. And Lee, him we sot our harts upon, hez bin beaten, and grate hez bin the slawter uv his host. And Beast Butler will take Richmond, and will not be hangd, ez we prayd. A TERRIBLE BEREAVEMENT. 121 And the Conf'edracy will be strangled, and Linldn will be President, and the offisis will be lost to us forever and forever. Uv wat avale to us wuz Fort Filler, or Flymouth, or Red River ? Lo ! they were but flea-bites on the back uv a giant. For in Virginny hev we bin chawed up egrejis. And our week-kneed wuns, them ez wantid peace last month, hev become blud-thirsty, and hooror ibr Linkin. Wale, ye saints ! For we hev chained ourselves to a corpse, and the corpse stinketh. Die, Micklellan, for yoo woodent sell at the rate uv a dol- lar a dozen, ef playd-out genrals wuz in demand. Thou, too, Vallandigum, for yer marterdum woodent win. Steel viggerusly, Fernandywood, for it's yer last chance. For wen the grate South fiddled did we not alluz dance ? and now that she dieth, shall we not go and do likewise V t Petroleum. I am well-nigh distractid ! For forty years the Dimekratik party hez bin to me, literally, vittles and drink. For forty years hez it bin my pleasin and profitable dooty to lead a Dime- kratik flock, livin luxuriusly off uv the sheerins. My dream is ore. In a few short months there won't be no Dimokrasy, and wat then ? I ain't adaptid to no other party. Wunst I under- took to pass myself off ez a Republikin, at wun uv ther con- venshuns. " My jentle frend," did wun uv them remark, scanning. my gigantik nose, wich is the beauty and glory uv my face, " mj' jentle frend, art thou wun uv us?" " Verily am I," sez I. " Well," sez he, looking at my nose agin, " ef yoo wuz in my township, and wantid to act with us, I shood require bonds." I mite start a grocery, but ef the Dimekratik party expires, wat'll that biznis be worth ? In my old age am I bereeved. Petroleum V. Nasby, Faster uv sed Vhurch, in charge. 122 A BAY OF LIGHT. XLV. FREMONT'S NOMINATION. ChUECH Jjy THE NOO DlSPENSASHUN, ) J.une the 2d, 1864. ) Halleloogy 1 Now is the winter uv our discontent made glorious summer. The clouds that o'ercast our politicle horizon is broke, and rays from the sun uv success hev pierced em, gildin the noses uv the faithful with a radiance that whisky cannot give. Honey hez cum out uv a carkis — good liez perceeded from Nazzareth. The Radikeis hev nominated Fremont ! Halle- loogy ! They did it at Cleveland. I never votid for Fremont. In '56 I didn't like him — in fact, 1 aboosed him. I laft at him for partin his hair in the middle ; I accoosed him uv being a Catholic, and uv stealin catr tie from the guverment. Wen Linkiu appinted him genral, I aboosed him agin, and more than ever wen he ishood his Eman- sipashen Proclamashen. But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grievous wrong. The most becomin way a man kin part his hair is in the mid- dle ; the steelin uv cattle from guverment is a act that no man who supported Bookannon can condemn, and his Abolishnism — why, he's to be pitied for that. Uv course no Dimekrat can vote for him, for there is a triflin difference in our principles ; yet about a half uv the Abolishn party ought to do it by all means. John C. is the man for them, ondoubtedly. But whether he gets many votes or few, his bein nominated is salvashen to us. Every vote he gits Linkin won't git, and then what — This letter of rejoicing was called forth by the 'nomination of General John C. Fremont for the Presidency, and General John Cochrane, of New York, for the Vice-Presidency, by a portion of the Republicans who were dissatisfied with some acts of the Administration, sucli as the supercedure of Fremont, the re- moval of General Butler from his command at New Orleans, &c. It is due to General Fremont, however, that, in the most patriotic spirit, he withdrew his name from the canvass at an early day, and heartily advocated Mr. Lincoln's re-election. THE RETURN OF AN EXILE. 123 The bare thot almost overpowers me. We kin elect a Dimekrat ! This movement puts a new face upon affairs. We needn't be pertikelerly anxshus any more for Lee's success ; in fact, I bleeve it wood be better for us to hev Grant whip Lee and take Richmond. For why ? Becoz. Spozn about the -time the Confederasy is playd out we elect a Dimekrat, and spozn that Dimekrat lets up on em, restores ther niggers, pardons em, pays ther debts, compensates them ez hez sustained losses in the war, and penshuns ther widders, woodent they let us hev the heft uv the orfisis awhile ? Uv course they wood. I segest that the committies who are takin up colleckshuns for Vallandigum send the money forthwith to Fremont's Execootive Committy. I shel take up a colleckshun in my congregashen immediately for that purpose. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XL VI. THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM. Church uv the Noo Dispensashon, June the 21st, 1864. Jot to the world — Vallandigum is come ! The grate exile, in defiance uv the edix uv a usurpin despot, hez returnd to his native soil ! Glory ! My buzm swells with emosbun, and I leap for joy. Welkum, Vallandigum ! About tlie time this letter is dated, Mr. Vallandlgham, becoming weary of playing the part of a martyr and exile, returned to his home in Ohio. If he expected any attempt on the part of the government to make a hero of him again by further attention, he was quite disappointed, for he l)as remained in political obscurity ever since, notwithstanding very persistent attempts on his part to assume prominence in the Democratic party. The government felt that it had nothing to fear from him. and his former political friends felt that his weight was greater than they could ever afford to carry. When abroad as _a suffering martyr in exile, he served a purpose, but his return was the last thing they wished for. 124 MIXED JOY. Overjoyd ez I am, my sensashens are not all pleasurable. The return uv the distingisht champion uv Suthrin rites is sumwat embarrassin. The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest the man we wanted for a leeder. He hez tongue, without discreshun, wich quaUtis hez ruind many buddin geniuses. Such men kin alluz succeed in kickin up a dust, but, forchu- nately, they alluz git smothered in it. Vallandigum's weeknis is — Vallandigum. Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he hed nobodd}- to blather to about hisself, and he'd expire in- disgust in a week. To resoom. His return is unfortunit, becoz — What will we do with him ? Under his leadership, we wuz bein redoost to a very small pint, so small indeed that we wuz jest ready to bury. At this crisis, Linkin he ups and arrests him. Wat a turn that wuz for us ! It wuz a double-actin lee- ver that lifted us two ways, to-wit : we got shet uv Vallandi- gum, who wuz a unmixt noosance here. It convertid a noosance into a marter, wich wuz wat we wantid, and give us ground to go on. Vallandigum ort to hev bin more grateful than to hev bustid this arrangement by comin back. Hed he stayd, a poor exile on a furrin shore, a strainin uv his eyes to git even a faint glimpse uv his native land, until the campane wuz two thirds over, and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun, in a fit uv temprary insanity brot on by greef, and sorrer, and wo, and sich, it wood hev bin hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profit- able to us, for he is like the gentle hog, a heavy expense to his owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit to him till he dies. Agin. Ther's no call for takin up colleckshuns any more for his benefit, and — away goes the cheef inkum, not only uv myself, but uv half the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. 1 shel hev to deny myself uv all luxoories frum this time out. Wat kin we do with him ? He heznt the knack uv sayin two things at wun say, and nuthin else will do us. Wen the party wuz a settin its face mildly aginst slavery, to fool the Free-silers, he wuz for eradikatin the evil. Now, wen we air pintin mildly Southward, he's declarin for em openly, in his usual loonatik stile. To conklood. I love Vallandigum; but ef Linkin wood THE CORRECT IDEA OF THE AFRICAN. 125 arrest him and immure him in the darkest dunjun in Fort "Warin, or hang him, or marter him in any manner, he wood trooly confer a favor on the undersined, and the entire Dimekratik party. Then wood we carry his deceest karkis thro the North, with suthin to show on our chargis uv tyranny. But with Vallandi- gum at liberty and in good health, the fust, last, and only victim uv unconstooshnel usurpashen is gone, and with it our capital. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. XL VII. DEFINES? HIS POSITION, AND APPEALS FOR AID. ChCKCH uv the NoO DlSPENSASHUN, > July the Sd, 1864. ] The Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, and other hetrodox Churches, are, to-day, the most hefty obstacles in the path uv the Dimokrasy ; and, to successfully opose em, I institootid the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, uv wich I am paster uv sed Church, in charge. Wat the Dimokrasy now want is Church extension : hence this sppeal. Dimokrasy is built upon the one ijee that the nigger is a babboon. That's our corner-stun — knock it out, and the entire fabric tumbles. The hetrodox Churches insist that the nigger is human, and that he hez a sole to saiv and fit it for the skies. This doctrin, ef it pervales, knocks Dimokrasy higher than a kite. For why ? Bekause : ef the nigger's human, and not a beast, wher's slavery ? Ekko answers, No where. Because : the commandment sez, " Thou shalt not steal," et settry. Ef the nigger's a man, we steal wen we take his labor. Ef he's a beast, wy, then, we hev dominion over him, and may use him ez we do the pashent ox. The pint is plane. The Democratic divines — there we-" but few of them — took, durinpr the first years of the war, precisely this ground in defence of the Institution which had been made the corner-stone of the party. 126 THE ETHIOPIAN A BABOON. The Church uv the Noo Dispensaslinn, nv wich I am paster uv sed Church, in charge, devotes its entire intellek to con- strooin the Skripters in accordence with the Dimekratik ijee. Sum uv our brethren, who still hev Methodist and Presby- terin sooperstishuns into em, appologize for their support uv the grate instooshn, by insistin that they bring the Afrikin over to this country for the purpose uv chrischenizin uv iiim. Away with sich nonsence ! I'll none uv it. Is it chrischen- like to ceeze a man in his native land and bring him to a furrin shore agin his will ? Agin : Ef that's evangelikle, is it proper to maik the forsibly evangelizd heathen work for his board and wun soot uv cheap close, per annum, continooally bein per- swadid to renood effort by the cat-o'-nine tales ? Ther is grate gain in sich godhnis — at least 500 per cent. Most anybodj' will go into the mishnary biznis on them terms. I, •week ez I am, kin bare sich a cross. Besides, wen yoo've got a cargo convertid, why don't j'^oo send em back ? Dost thou desire to convert their children ? 0, mizable subterfuge ! Ef the pa- rience wuz convertid, woodent the children be ? Ef that's yer ijee, what do ye sell em for? Hev yoo took a morgage onto em for expenses incurd in bringin uv em here, and hev yoo the power uv foreclosin ? Bosh ! Ef the3''re human, they hev a Avarranty deed for their bodies and soles, the same ez Ave hev. Hence, ez slavery is nessary to the Dimekratik part}-, we must defend it on solid ground. ^ Therefore my Church, uv wich I am sed paster, in charge, strikes out boldh'^, and teaches that a nigger is a BABBOON — a beast. Wen wild, he's anybody's property that capchers and tames him ; after Avich, him and his j'oung is abslootly his, to do with as seemeth good in his site. (Blackstun.) Troo, amalgamashen, Avich alluz appears to be practist wher the instooshn exists, is agin us, for Aven a slave hez a man for a father, he's only half babboon. But I never seed any Dime- kratic principle that hedn't a week pint in it. We Avant money to establish our Church. We must send mishnaries to Northrin Illinoy, to the Western Reserve, and to Massachoositts. It takes money for our preachers to live now, for whisky is 10 cents per drink, even in the most obskoor doggerys. Men and brethrin, kum to our aid. SEPARATION FROM THE EAST. 127 We hev no lack uv labrers in this grate vinyard. Bvry yere the other Churches expel more or less uv their preachers, for irregularitis in swappin bosses, and for extreme conviviality and sich, who are willin to be reseevd into our buzm. They are ready ; all we want is means to set em aflote. Remittencies uv 10 cents and upwards thankfly reseeved. I'm President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Board uv Trustees uv the Associashen. Remit librally and to-wunst. The high character uv the offishary is suffishent garantee that the money will be properly applied. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. — ^^ >»yHy»e »^ — XLVIII. DECLARES FOR REPUDIATION AND UNION WITH THE SOUTH. Ch0rch vv the Noo Dispensashcn, > July the 10th, 1864. 5 I HEV made up my mind that the Southrin Confedrisy is a success, and that my fondest hopes is about bein realizd. Troo, the next blast that sweeps from the South may bring to our ears the news uv Lee's defeat, but at present writin things is favorable. Wat follers ? Its plane that the Dimokrasy kin never live in peace with Noo England. We cood endoor it wen we hed the Suthrin States to balence em at the poles, for whenever wun uv em startid a noosepaper, or went a lecturin out West to spread Noo England ijees, we suspendid the liberty uv the press and uv speech, by hangin the lecturer and smashin the press, wich is Dimokrasy. The North-west must cut oif from the East, with a view uv jinin the Confedrisy. Uv course, that nashen woodent take us with a debt on our shoulders, for they wood hev to repoodiate' it ; and they are a gentlemanly style uv people, who won't do 128 A GORGEOUS PROSPECT. a dirty thing ef they kin git sumbody else to do it for em, wich they hev never failed to do, sence they bought us Dimekrats up. Hence, they would require repoodiashen, wich we wood do gladly and willinly, for these reasons, to-wit : — 1. It woodent tech many uv the faitheful, ez them holdin greenbax and guverment bonds are almost excloosivly Ablish- nists. Therefore, it wood be a punishin uv our enemies. 2. Ez a rool, the Ablishnists wood leave the country in dis- gust, wich is benefishl in two ways : givin the Dimokrasy a clean sweep, and enablin evry indivijjle uv em to git wun uv their farms — -the only way we'll ever git em. Then we'd hev slavery in the North-west. Eckstatic thot ! My heart dilates at the bare ijee ! I, Nasby, who hez bin re- foozd credit for likker — whose throat hez bin parcht becoz the dime wuz not — who hez bin obleeged to obtain his licker to sustane eggistense by stratejy — Nasby, P. V., will hev a plantashen and — Niggers ! Won't I demonstrate the sooperi- ority uv the Anglo-Sacksun over the Afrikin, by wallopin em ! Perhaps not ! Won't I hev niggers for carpenters, and black- smiths, and bricklayers, and sich? Won't we clean out the poor people, and establish a genooine aristocrisy — ownin labor instid uv hirin it ? Won't we, the sooperior class, dodge the cuss uv labor — fillin our quota uv sed cuss by puttin in nig- ger substitoots ? Won't I spend my days a suckin cocktales and my nites at poker, sellin a family every now and then to keep up finances ? That's happinis condenst — that's my ijee uv a terresterial paradise. Hasten thy work, Lee ! Make thyself strong, Boregard ! Be wise and bold, Johnson ! Go forrerd in yer nigger-killin, Forist ! and 0, Davis ! (Jefferson) may yoo manage the helm ez well ez they execoot yer commands ! These is my prayer ! For wun victry for Lee, and a short crop, addid to the taxis, and the drafts, and sich, will turn enuff week Ablishnists into peece men to bust Linkin, and elect a peace man. Then will I assoom the speer in wicli I am fittid to move. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. SUCCESS NOT PESIRABLE. 129 XLIX. SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR THE DEMOCRACY. Church uv the Noo Dispensashuk, July the 17th, 1864. It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable certain, that P. V. Nasby, wich is preacher uv sed Church, in charge, may retire from pnblick life shortly. Why ? methinks I lieer the entire Dimekratik party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament to my sex, and the wun altogether luvly, exclame. The why is plfine to a massive intellek, wich is me. The good old Dime- kratik party is on the strate road to destruction, and, to use a railroad mettyfor, onless it is swicht off at Chicago, it's a goner, and the more it succeeds at the November elecshun, the wus is its goneuiss ! " Singler ! " exclames a patriotic and self-sacrificin Dimekrat, who hez a postrorifis in his beemin eye — " singler that success shood rooin us. Wy, that's wat M'e're goin for." Gently, my frend. Uv wat avail is it to elect a President in sich a way ez to make it morally certin to be defeatid ever after ? Troo, we'd hev the pos1>orfisis ; but with a Ablishin Congris to watch us, wher'd be the chances uv stealin, nessary to our support ? To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed their conven- shun till it is ascertained how Lee vs. Grant comes out. Ef Lee whales Grant — peace platform. Ef Grant whales Lee — war platform. Now the chances air that Lee will be whipt, for the tyrant Linkin hez a spite at that grate and good man. Then we're a war party, and go into the campain on the cor- ruptnis uv the Administrashen, and boat em, and git the post- orifises. Wat then ? Wy this. The war is OUR war ; the taxis is OUR taxis ; the drafts is OUR drafts, and WE wood About the time this letter was written the managers of the Democratic party were in a great puzzle of mind what tack to make in order to catch the most votes. A great deal depended on the issue of battles, and the prospects of the war. Those who remember that crisis will recognize the appositeness of these illustrations. 9 130 AND WHY. hev the responsibility instid uv our enemies. Ez a matter uv course, Dimekrats wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood be their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by Dimekratik ginerals. Good hevins ! Imagine 500,000 Dimekrats under sich ez Micklellan and Buel ! Wat a redoosin uv majorities — wat a waste uv votin stock ther wood be ! The troo polisy for us is peace. Ez a peace party, we are certin uv gettin the support uv these classis, to-wit : — The stingy cusses, who object to pay in taxis. The cowardly cusses, who are afraid uv bein drafted. Every draft arid , every new tax adds to our ranks ; so fast, indeed, that ef we cood stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lu- theran, etc., revivals uv religion, and git whisky back to old prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely, we cood be in good shape next fall. By bein a war party we lose all these people, and take them out, and, in the name of Hevin, wat wood be left uv us ! Peace is our best and only holt, and, onless the party takes that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't win but wunst on war, and then the responsibilities we'd hev to assoom wood be too much for us. The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty. Ez for myself, Pve no feers — I kin git along. There's small groceries to be run ; and the retailin uv likker in a striktly Dimekratik community, where they'd work jest twelve hours — earnin enufi" to carry em thro the other twelve at my bar — has alluz appered to me to bo the highth uv earthly bliss. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. THE SPEECH OF THE SAINTS. 131 HAS A CLASS-MEETING, AND DEPRECATES NEGRO- KILLING. Chcrch uv the Noo Dispensashitk, i July the 30tli, 1664. 5 Our class meetins hev bin snmwat neglected uv late. Some- how, it is in our Church ez it is in the hetrodox — we are hot and cold alternitly. Last Sunday we hed a preshus season. Brother Siples spoke. He confest that he wuz a weak mortal. He hed his ups and downs, bad. Whenever Grant and Sherman hed a success, his i'aith failed him ; and some- times he hed difficulty in comin to time even wen Lee whipt Grant. But he hed recently paid $2 per gallon for whiskj', and that stirred him. With one hand upon his too often empty jug, and totlier pinted to heaven, he hed sworn eternal hostility to them ez hed razed these prices, wich is Ablishnists. If con- venient, he askt the brethrin to pray for him. Brother Hopp riz. He hed his ups and downs also — rayther more downs than ups. His sole wuz full wen Porrist killed the niggers ; but, alas ! wo wuz on him wen Sherman flaxt em at Atlanta. Now the skies is brite. Lee holds out bully, and tother day 4000 niggers wuz killed at Petersburg. At this point 1 interruptid Brother Hopp. The killin uv niggers is no cause uv rejoicin. Wat a destrucshen uv prop- erty! 4000 niggers, at $1500 per nigger, is $6,000,000 ! This sum uv monej', even at the present Ablishn prices, wood prodoose 60,000,000 drinks ! Wood, 0, wood that I wuz con- demned to consoom em all ! Ef them niggers hed bin white men, I woodent hev keered. Why ? Bekoz white soljers is all Abhslmists. Don't shake j-er hed. Brother-- Gamp ; it's so. Yoor own son, even, backslid. He it wuz who writ hum, a sayin that if he cum back and found that ole hipocrit, Nasby, a eatin chickins about yoor house, he'd plump a ounce ball ihto him. Hipocrit ! Chickins ! Sich basenis confirms me in my beleef in the doctrin uv totle depravity. I am no obtroosive guest at the tables uv ray flock. Troo, I eat ; but wood any uv em say that chickins wuz a equivalent for my improvin con- 132 A TOUCHING PICTURE. versashen ? Ez for the paltry money I borrer, I alluz give my note, wich settles them transactions. To resoom. Every nigger killed inflames our brethrin powerful. Imagine, my brethrin, a Suthern artilrist a bringin uv his piece to bare upon the advancin enemy. He sees they are niggers, and his heart sinks. Nearer and nearer they come. Seizin a glass, he views em, and, horror ! in the front rank, " cloathed in soots uv bloo," he beholds his indivijjle niggers ! Nearer ! nearer ! Fain wood he spare em, for them very niggers may be the uncles uv a half dozen uv his chil- dren (wich is patriarkle), to say nuthin uv the money he hez investid in em. But no ! The order is given ! " Fire ! " He pulls the fatal string, and ez he beholds his own property a bleedin on the plain, he swoons away. My gentle frends, I make no doubt that half the cases reported in the Suthrin papers ez sun-stroke, wuz from this coz. Other brethrin giv their experience in. The feelin is improvin sence the draft, and I hev faith that ef our groseries kin hold out till September 5th, under the credit system, and too many don't run to Canady, we will be able to whale any Provo Marshell's force they kin send agin us. Petrot.eum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge LI. STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN. Church tjv the Noo Dispensashck, August the 3d, 1864. 1 AM no " Son uv Liberty." Any Dimekrat who can't stan a heavier dose than that instooshn affords, ain't fit to hev the elective franchise exercised for him. 1 hev instootid a order The DeniocvRcy, or rather that portion of the party which was in full and open sympathy with the rebellion, organized secret societies in the North- western States, the members of which were pledged to resist drafts, and in all possible ways to give aid and comfort to the Southern cause. They were A SERIES OP INTERESTING QUERIES. 133 uv my own, wich is more adaptid to the Dimekratik intellek at large — suthin that they kin understand. Wat's the yoose, I ask indignantly, uv tellin our disciples that free speech is done away with by Linkin, wen we are openly blattin Suthrin rites on evry crpss rodes, witliout any mental reservation >vhatsciever ? Wat's the yoose uv talidn to Dimekrats about habis corpusses, wen half uv em never had em, and tother half woodent hev knowd the yoose uv em if they'd a had em ? Noncents ! My order, wich I call the " Anshent and Sublime Order uv Putty-backs," hez snthin in it they kin understand. The foUerin is a part uv the ritual : The candidate is brot into the ante-room (so called from the fact that he there antiea up his inishashen fee) blindfolded. He's frightened. A bottle is applied to his nose, wich reassures him, for well he knows wher ther's whisky ther's Dimokrasy. The fbllerin dia- logue ensues : — Question. Are you a Dimekrat? Q. Do you consider yoorself better than a nigger ? Q. Are yoo afeard yoor sister will marry a nigger, and do you want the Legislacher uv yer various Staits to make laws a preventin uv her? Do yoo bleeve that a Ablishnist loves a nigger better'n hisself, his wife and children, his uncles and aunts, and sich ? Do yoo bleeve that this war, conseeved by John Brown and iiinoggeratid by A. Linkin, is bein carried on by Ablishnists forthe sole purpose uv freein the niggers and bringin uv.em North, and elevatin uv em a inch or to, so ez to git em over Dimekrats ? Do yoo bleeve that in Massachoosets they feed nigger students on oysters and briled porter-house steak, and the whites on hash? known in some states as " Sons of Liberty," in others as " Kniglits of the Golden Circle." Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, and Illinois had more of these conclaves than any of the other States. They imported arms, and their members were instructed in their use. Governor Morton, of Indiana, seized the records of the order in Indianapolis in the autumn of 1864, and having tlie rolls in his possession, destroyed its power for mischief. The questions put to the candi- dates for initiation are scarcely different in form from the arguments used in the rural districts to inflame prejudice and make votes for the pro-slavery party. 134 AN ENTHUSIASTIC ENDORSEMENT. Do yoo bleeve there are 800,000 niggers in the North now, and that the guverment intends to hev em all vote this fall ? Are yoo willin to take up arms agin this eleva«hen uv the nigger ? Will yoo solemnly pledge yoorself to vote the Dimekratic tickit without a scratch, and to rally promptly to the killin uv Provo Marshels? The candidate, uv coarse, answers all these questions in the affirmative, after wich some wun is hunted up who kin rite his name, to wich he makes his mark, and he's inishiatid. My society is pecoolyerly adaptid to the party, coz it's strong uv nigger, wich all uv em kin understand. I never knowd a ginooine Southern-rite Dimekrat who dident consider the free Afrikin a disgustin obgeck, and who ain't continooally strivin to make hisself bleeve that sumbody's lower down than hisself. Hence their anxiety to own a nigger, and where that ain't permitted, their onquenchable desire to kill wun. My ijee is never to loose holt uv the nigger. He makes us cheap cappitle, and is alluz reddy to hand. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. — >c^ — LII. ■ INDORSES THE NOMINATION. Chokch uv the Noo Dispensashcn, ) September tlie 1st, 1864. \ Glory ! Micklellan, the nashun's pride, is nominated ! Bein a orthodox Dimekrat, the nominashen soots me ! Nominashens alluz soots orthodox Dimekrats ! In 30 years' experience, I never knew a nominashen that dident. The nomination of General McClellan, in 1864, by the Democracy, as their candidate for the Presidency, was reluctantly acquiesced in by the Peace faction of that party. McClellan gained the nomination, but proved to be a weak candidate. He was neither hot nor cold. He had fought the rebels, and of- BIOGRAPHY OF A CANDIDATE. 135 Me and my Church wuz for peace. We wuz for Suthern rites. We wuz opposed to drafts, and had purchast revolvers. Therefore the incomparable Micklellan wuz not our fust choice. The fact is, the grate George wuz a war man wunst, and wuz the original inventor uv drafts, wich don't make him ez accept- able to us ez he mite be. But ther's a excoose for him. The Dimokrasy must bare in mind that the unforchnit man hed sunk sum 85,000 Ablishnists sumwher about Richmond, and ez he knew uv the prejoodice existin agin volunteerin under him, he insistid on hevin uv em brot in by draft. It wuz all duu for the benefit uv the Dimokrasy, becoz : The Dimekrats drafted wood resist to run to Kanady — the Ablishnists wood go, and, halleloogy ! but few uv em wood ever return. On receet uv the news I immejitly called my flock together, announst it to em, and give em the follerin brief biographical sketch uv our candidate, ez follows : George B. Micklellan wuz born uv rich but honest parence, sumwher, in the yeer 18 — . (I love accooracy.) The nation- ality uv his parence I am not shoor uv, but from the fact that all the bitter old Know-Nothins is a supportin him, I shood think he wuz uv Irish extraction. His great pint was prompt- nis and decision uv character, wich qualities displayed them- selves at a early period. It is on record in the arkives uv the family, that he cried immejitly after he wuz borned, and com- menced nursin within a hour. He wuz remarkable at school for the same quality. No sooner did the clock strike noon, than young George wood promptly leave the house. The facher general wuz foreshaddered in the skill with wich he robbed melon patches. He made reglar approaches, wich wuz skillful, but his retreats wuz magnificent. He cood change his base bootiful — shiftin from melon patches to orchards with neatnis and dispatch. Another peekooliarity uv young George shows how troo is the sayin, " The child is father uv the man." While George cood alluz very elaboritly stratejise fended their sympathizers, but had not fought them with sufficient skill and effect to satisfy the friends of the Union ; and besides, his extreme solicitude lest the war should result in the rebels losing their human chattels, so badly impaired his patriotism that he drew few votes more than an actual Peace man would have done, had he been the candidate of the Democracy. 136 HIS RAILROAD EXPERIENCE. hisself into a melon patch or orchard, he never stratejised his- self out with any melons or apples. He wuz edikatid at West Pint, and wuz finally made Presi- dent Tiv the Ohio and Mississippi Railroad. Here his decishun agin shovvd itself. He conseeved the bold ijee uv gravelin the road, wun mornin, at 31 minutes past 11. Wun yeer from that time he announst to the Drektors that 17 laborers and an eka) number uv wheelbarrers hed bin prokoored, and he wuz bizzy, at that time, perfectin a plan for organizin uv em. Two months after he announced his plan perfected, and that opera- tions hed commenst on a gravel-pit. Four days uv brilliantly successful work foUered, wen he announct that he wuz obleegd to suspend operations, that five wheelbarrers wuz broke, and seven laborers hed the diarrear. He wood reorgan- ize promptly, and proceed. Reorganizin his force, and per- fectin a new plan uv approach, onlj^ occupied eight months, and the work wood hev bin commenst by this time, had not the war broke out. The pay uv the Fedral Guvment bein larger and more surer than the Confedracy, he relinquisht railroadin and entered the Fedral service. His military career is knowd by all uv us. Suffice it to say, that no general wuz ever so beloved South, and so hated North, wich wuz wat prokoord his nominashen. Sich, my brethrin, is our candidate. Let us all sink our prejoodices, and elect him. The platform on which he stands I endorse with my whole heart. 1 hevent read it yet, but it must be good, for Vallandigum made it. The post-orfises, the treasury, for wich we hev bin waitin four long, dreary years, is within our reach. Let us, my brethrin, go in and win. The cheerin for me will now commence. A collekshun wuz taken up to defray expensis uv the campane. $8 wuz realized, wich wuz paid over to me. I shet 'pKobably appear on the stump in a new pair uv pants. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. THE ENTHUSIASM FOR MCCLELLAN. 137 LIII. THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM. Church or the Noo Dispensashun, j September the 8tli, 1864. ] The nominashens uv the Chicago Convenshiin is made, and altho they don't soot me, I shall support em. Poat-orfises can't be attained by us thro Linkin — Micklellan is the way, and as a Dimekratik prophet I remark, " Walk ye in it." But Pm hevin a time with my flock. Ther's more uv a diversity uv opinion than I ever saw among Dimekrats afore, and I'm afeered that my gigantik intellek ain't hefty enuif to reconcile the differences. I called a meetin last nite, in the hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony. I took the cheer, and made a few elokent remarks. Brothers Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp, who hev faith to bleeve they'll respectively hold the orfises uv assessor, collecter, postmaster, and provo marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made to em, wuz enthoosiastik for Micklellan, They bleeved him to be the General George B. MeClellan, a graduate of West Point, a martinet of some skill and proficiency, who had served in the Mexican war with some credit as a subaltern, was, by the manoeuvring of certain Ohio Democrats, made Major General of the Ohio forces, before the regular organization of the army by the General Government. He was rapidly pushed forward, chiefly by politicians of the party to which he belonged. President Lincoln desired to welcome into the army all patriotic and serviceable men, without distinction of party, and gave the rising officer all the credit and advantage his friends claimed for him. The Administration gave him its entire confidence, and few men have ever had such splendid opportunity to gain military renown as General MeClellan had. But he seemed more anxious to perpetuate slavery, and to provide for the future of the Democratic party, than to subdue the armies of the rebellion. His period of service was one of deep and painful solicitude to the more dis- cerning and patriotic men of the country, and the patience of President Lincoln towards him was a sore trial to many of his best friends, and begat more dis- trust of his administration than anything else connected witli his official course. When the time came for the Democracy to use the "young Napoleon" tliey had had in training for the Presidential candidacy, he was in a very poor plight for the race. His martial philosophy — his theory of the principles on which the war should be conducted — was fatally defective, and his military efforts in the main ineffective and disastrous. He made, therefore, only a weak and unpopular candidate for the party wliich expected so much of him. 138 THE IDEA OP BROTHER GUTTLE. Dimekratik Messiah, raised up expressly to save the instooshn. They shood give him a hearty, cordial support. Brother Punt, who boards me on tick, and who furnishes me likker on the same terms, wich is ez good ez I cood wish, and who expex payment wen I git a orfis, wuz enthoosiastiker for Micklellan than any uv us. He wuz surprised at the apathy that pervailed, wen so much wuz at stake. He perposed three cheers for Micklellan. Brothers Siples, Spot, Gamp, Hopp, Punt, and myself cheerd with the wildest enthoosiasm. At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hed heard nonsence enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz able-bodied. Consekently he jined the Sons uv Liberty, and bought a revolver, and had his rifle fixed. Wat wuz to be done with them tools ? Wuz he to hev no oppertoonity to yoose em? Wat he wantid to know, wuz Micklellan peace or war ? Ef he wuz peace, all rite. He'd ez soon shoot provo marshels under his banner, ez anybody's, but bein a peace man, he must shoot somebody. He hed a neighbor read the platform to him day before yester- day. He must say he wuz disgusted. We are peace. We bleeve in State-rites, in immejit recognishun uv Suthern independence, and wuz opposed to coerslmn. To all uv wich he hed sworn. He dident go much on oaths, but wen a oath sootid him he'd keep it. Why didn't the convenshun say peace ? Ef he hed got to be dragged into the army like a peace lamb to the slawter, he'd ez soon let Linkin drag him ez Micklellan. It wuz the draggin into the field that he objectid to — not the man who dragged him. He wanted to know, he did. I replied to this misguidid man. I assoomed that majestic, lofty, penetratin gaze, wich only two men in Ameriky possest — me and D. Webster. I told him tliat obedience wuz the fiist principle uv Dimokrasy. The convenshun — our conven- shun, hed nominatid — all we hed to do wuz to vote. Ef the convensliun hed seen fit to nominate a war man, on a war platform, it wood liev bin our dooty to hev votid it ; but the convenshun wuz not hard on us. It accommodated us all. Are yoo a War Dimekrat ? Wasn't Micklellan a gineral ? Isn't lie the inventor uv drafts ? Didn't he arrest the Mary- land Legislacher ? Are yoo a peace man ? Didn't the majestik Micklellan endorse Judge Woodward? Didn't he take the AN ACCOMMODATING PLATFORM. 139 nominaslmn at tlie hands uv Vallandigum ? Are yoo a Suthern man ? Ask any Suthern gineral who he'd ruther see at the head uv our armies, and he'd answer, in thunder tones, Miok- lellan ! Then the platform. Is ther anything in it agin war ? Is ther anything in it agin peace? It is a accomiuodatin platform, halleloogy ! Brother Hopp, who is a thirstin after human gore, can slake his thirst at this fountain. To Brother Guttle, who wuz a peace man, this platform wuz the white- winged angel herself. I hevn't eggsamined it critikally, but 1 hevn't the slightest doubt that the doctrin uv fore ordinashen, or total depravity, or elecshun, or free grace, kin be proved from it concloosively. It's a broad platform. Ther wuz room on it for Fernandy- wood and Sam Cox, for Vallandigum and Seymore — the pyramid built on said platform has room on the apex for Mick- lellan with his gory sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch, halleloogy ! Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hevn't any doubt that my Church will be a unit in support uv the nominashens. Bf we cood stop the ninnin to Canady in consekens uv the draft, I hev no doubt we wood hev our usual majority. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. — >ftcs»; M E < - ^ »^ — LIV- WAILETH. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, } September the 15tli, 1864. I The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen and agony will be chanted in every Church in my dioceese,a.ll day, every Sunday, until the Confedrits win a victry : A nOUBLE-BARBELD WALE ! A CRY UV ANGUISH ! In the valley and shadder sit we ! Job hed biles, but he scraped hisself with a oyster-shell ! 140 A HEART-RENDING WAIL. Naman wuz a leper, but he dove into the Jordan, and come out ez good ez new ! Sampson hed his hair shingled and wuz weak as watered whisky, but it growd agin and he busted his enemies ! We hev biles and are rotten with em, but where's the com- fbrtin oyster-shell ? We hev leprosy, but where's the Jordan to jump into ? Our hair is short, and ther's whar our enemies hev got us, but wher's the restorative to make it grow agin ? Job, and Naman, and Sampson, all together, wuzn't as bad off ez we. I We kin throw in Lazarus with his sores, and the dorgs a lickin uv em, and then give em 50 in a 100 and beat em. For we nominatid Micklellan and Pendleton, at Chicago, and wun is a war man and tother is a peace man. The ox and the ass is yoked — their he^ds and tails to- gether. And the team is pulling viggorusly, but instid uv goin forerd, it's goin round and round. Wale ! my peeple, for the ticket wuzn't war enuff, and Cass hez bolted ! Gnash yer teeth ! ye saints, for the tickit wuzn't peace enuiT, and Valiandigum hez bolted ! We tried to ride two bosses, goin in two diiferent direck- shuns, and we fell to the ground. And both bosses turned on us and kicked us. And Micklellan hez no chance — he won't hev the givin uv' the post-oflBses. And Sherman took Atlanta, and chawd up Hood ! And Lee wants the Weldon road, but he can't git it. And Governor Morton took the revolvers from the peace men uv Injeany. And the dr-aft won't be resisted, and the provo marshels will hev whole skins. Wale ! For Maine and Vermont, wich wuz tired uv the war, and wuz a goin for Micklellan, hev voted AbHshn with a loosenis. Wale! For our rulers oppress us. They let their men vote in the army, but won't let our men vote in Canady I THE OCTOBER ELECTION. 141 Wale ! For the Ablishnists shel hold the orfises, and we shel be numbered among the outs ! Wale ! For in the fucher I see no way uv livin but by work ! Why wuz I born into sich a world ! Why wuz whisky created, ef yoo can't git it without a price ? Why wuz orfisis establisht, ef them can't git em ez wants em the most ? Micklellan buried his thousands in the swamps uv the Chickahominy — he hath buried his tens of thousands under the platform he kicked over ! The Ablishnists jeer us, and flout us ; they wag their beds at us, sayin, " Go up, bald bed ! " And we hev gone up ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LV. LAMENTETH. Chukch uv the Noo DisPENSASHnir, \ October the 14th, 1864. I I've come to a conclooshen. I'm satisfied that Pennsilvany, Ohio, and Indiana hev gone Ablishn. I saw it in a daily paper. Therefore, I direct that every church in my dioceese be draped in mournin (the same we used when we heerd uv Atlanta will anser), and that the follerin sam uv angish be chantid at every servis, until we git the returns from Noo Jersej'. Ohio ! Pensilvany ! Indiana ! Pennsilvany is cussid, Ohio is cusseder, but Indiana is cussidest. Weep, my people, for lo ! the hind sites is knocked off us ! Gnash yer teeth, for the states we counted on the most hev gone the wust agin us. Tear yer hair, for Voorhees is beat. 142 A PRAYER FOR VICTORY. throw ashes on yer head, for little Sam Cox is gone up. Array yerself in shoddy, for we're all gone up. Ef sich is done in the green tree, wat will it be in the dry ? I am a fountain uv lamentations — they run from me ez doth the water from the spring. Can we look to the South for comfort ? Nay, verily. For Atlanta is gone, and Lee rageth in vain, and Early is chawd up egreejusly. And Linkin, and Grant, and Sherman, and Sheridan are laffin with much lafiter — they feel good. But their mirth is our wo, their meat is our pizen. Can we look to the North ? Not any ; for that is a Sahara Desert uv Ablishninm, with nary a oasis. Wher is the post-offisis? Wher is the collektorships,_and wher the tother places uv profit? They are not for us. To the East we stretch our hands, and Maine ansers, " 'Ror for Linkin ! " To the West we turn, and Indiana pops it to us to the tune uv 30,000. We bought revolvers in that State, and lo ! we committid sooicide with em. We are a dove, a peace dove, shoved out uv the political ark. And the deluge uv Ablishnism rageth wildly, and shows no sign uv subsidin. And we are weary, but kin find no place to rest our foot. Bestir thyself, Lee ! if yoo wood save us in November. On yoo we bet our pile ; yoo are our anker and our cheefest trust. We preech in vane that the war is a failure, while yoo are bein whipped once or twice per day. Be valiant, for gold is goin down, and goods is goin with it, and the Ablishnists laff", and the people is content. Whale Grant jist wunst, and give us wun more chance. Lift us out uv the pit into wich we hev fallen — give us solid ground to stand on. Then will our wailins be turned to joy, and our lamentatioas to songs uv gladnis. Petroleum V. Nasby, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. AN EXPLORATION OP THE FUTOBE. 143 LVI. HAS A DREAM. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) October the 21st, 1864. [ I AM no bleever in gosts or dreams, or sich, nor never wuz. Ef the tyrant Linkin (wich is a ape) shood draft me, and I shood be dragged to the tented field, a unwillin^martyr, I know 1 shood much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer, wich is a shadder, than to encounter wun in the flesh, with a muskit and baynet, wich is no shadder. Dreams is likewise unsub- stanshel, and result, nine cases out uv ten, from aboose uv the stumick. 1 dream but, seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit it to eatin a pound or two more sassage, or drinkin a quart or two more whisky, than I really need, late at nite ; and I never bleeved they wuz prophetic, becoz I don't allow that the seat uv prophecy is located in the stumick. These is my theory uv gosts, dreams, and sich. I hed a dream last nite, wich left a impreshn on my mind. 1 hed bin preparin a sermon, provin that " Servants, obey yoor masters," justified the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell asleep and dreamed. JMethawt I wuz dead, and hed laid in that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoke, and found myself agin on earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer. There wuz more railroads, and more school-houses, and into wun uv the latter I went. The school-marm, wuz eggsaminin a class uv youngsters in history. " Who wuz the greatest and goodest men the Yoonitid Staits ever prodoost ? " " George Washington and Aberham Linkin." " What did they do ? " " Washington founded the goverment, and Linkin pre- served it." " Who wuz the wust men the country prodoost ? " A little girl anserd : " Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Davith, and Val- landigum." 144 THE VERDICT OF THE FUTURE. "Too are wrong, my child," retorted the school-marm. " Judas lived in another country, and before the others. They were so simler, however, that the error is excoosible. What did Arnold, and Davis, and Vallandigum do ? " " Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms agin it ; Davis rebelled agin his goverment, and Vallandigum helped him all he cood without gettin hisself into danger." " What names were given them ez opposed the goverment in '76 and '61?" " Tories and Copperheads." " Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copperheads ? " " That pint hez bin much discussed, but no concloosion hez ever bin arriv at." " How many times wuz Linkin electid President ? " "Two." " Had he any opposition for the second term ? " " None to speak uv. The rebels and Copperheads run a dis- graced soljer, whose name sum historians giv ez Mickfadden, uthers ez Micknellan, and uthers ez Micklellan; but ez he receeved no votes in the electoral colledge, the eleckshun wuz considered unanimus. The Copperhead candidate sunk into obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten, wich wuz lucky for his children." I notist about half the children hed on bloo ribbins ; one fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the balance hed a white rag pinned to their backs. I asked the school-marm wat this indicated. She askt me ef I wuz a furriner ; to wich I anserd, I wuz, a furrin prince in disguise, on a tour uv observashen. She replied : " Tiiem ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants uv the loyal soljers uv the great rebellion; them with no decorations is decendid from loyal men who wuz not soljers ; and them poor things who hev the white rag (she busted into tears and wept perfoosely), are the unforchnit desendants uv — Copperheads ! " I visited a court-house. The case they wuz tryin wuz slan- der. One man hed asserted that the great-great-grandfather uv another, who wuz a opposin candidate for Justis uv the Peace, hed bin n Copperhead. Plaintiff brot into court a old paper printed in 1864, wich showd that said ancester wuz on a A MODEL OBITUARY. 145 Linkin centrel commity. Joory brot in a verdict uv $10,000 for plaintiff. I awoke from this dream in a cold sweat. " Is it possible," thot I, " that posterity will so regard us ? " and for a minnit I wuz almost persuadid to be a Christian. But I thot uv the post-oflSsis, and sed to myself, " What is posterity to a ded man ? Let me hev offis, and the means uv keepin my skin full uv whisky, without work, and posterity may think wot it pleases." And I resoomed labor on my sermon. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. LVII. LOSES A FRIEND, AND WRITES HIS OBITUARY. Chukch uv the Noo Dispensashun, ) October the 28th, 1864. I A PILLAR hez fallen I Last nite, at 10 o'clock and 57 minits P. M., Issaker Punt, a deacon uv my Church, and the heftiest pillar in the instooshn, in fact the only one who paid his quarterage reglar, departed this life. Brother Punt wuz born a Dimekrat ; he reseeved the faith by inheritance, ez his father wuz one afore him. And that faith he kept. He mite hev bin sedoost into the by and forbidden paths uv Whiggery and Ablishnism, and sich, but knowin the frailty uv human nacher, he persistently refoozd to learn to reed, and thus made himself sekoor from the wiles uv un- scroopulus politishns. It wuz a butiful traite in his cliarikter that he wood never vote a tickit that he did not get from the hands uv the central committee-man ! Brother Punt commenst politikle life a votin foi Androo Jaxon, when he wuz but 18 yeafs old. The rigid moralist may object to this act, ez illegal. It wuz objectid to at the time, and the youthful hero wuz arrestid" and impriznd, and he wood hev remained in prizn two years, hed he not bin pardoned out 10 146 BROTHER font's PERSISTENCE by a Dimekratik guverner, jest afore the next elecshun. We next find him battlin for the Dimokrasy in the person uv Martin Van Buren. At that elecshun he votid twice, and drunk 172 times. Ez he repeatedly remarkt to me, that day wuz a tryiu one. The first hundred drinks wuz nateral — the balance wuz excess ; but he bed pledged his township for a certain major- ity, the candidates bed given him the money to treat with, and he wuz determined to do it ef it cost him a attack uv delirium tremens. He wuz alluz ready to sacrifice his bowels for the cause. He managed to survive Harrison's elecshun, and wuz active ' in procurin Polk's triumph. He mourned doorin Fillmore's rane, and rejoist with exceedin grate joy doorin Peerse and Bookannon's. In 1860 he didn't vote for nobody. He knowd Duglis wuz a Dimekrat, and so wuz Breckinridge. He attendid meetins uv both factions, and hoorayd vigerusly for both, but, unforchnitly, the committy who bed furnisht him tickets for years wuz divided — one half for Duglis and tother for Breckinridge. He coodent decide wich wuz the real Dimekratik tickit, and so, on elecshun day, he went to the poles, and went thro the moshuns uv votin with a piece uv blank paper. But be bed no doubts ez to opposin Linkin — he kndwd he wuz no Dimekrat, for both committymen told him so. 0, with what joy he heerd the news uv the firin on Fort Sumter ! With what eckstasy he heerd uv Bull Eun ! No man in the North exhibitid more ability in swearin at Linkin — no one cood retail to better advantage the lies the centrel committy decidid to cirkelait. Brother Punt growd low-sperited at the battle uv Stone River, and kept failin ez Linkin's dorgs advanced. He britened up a little when Forest killed the niggers at Fort Filler ; but Slieridan and the Indiana eleckshuns protrastid him fearfully, and he becum so redoost that his likker bed to be fed to him with a spoon. Brother Punt wuz a consistent member uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. Before jinin my flock, it wuz his boast that he bed never bin inside a meetin-house. Therefore he rejoist at the oppertoonity uv hearin a pure gospel, into wich, THE LAST WOBDS OP A DEMOCRAT. 147 > ef the nigger wuz interdoost at all, he wuz put in and held up hand-cufft, wich is alluz refreshin to the troo Dimekratik mind. He dispisd Ablishn preachin. Brother Punt's Dimokrasy wuz uv a broad, comperhensive charicter. He foliered the party. Opposed to Stait's rites -and secession under Jaxon, he wuz in favor uv both in 1864. Opposed to slavery-extension in '48, he favored it in '60, and so on. The immejit coz uv his death wuz this tyranikle Administrashen. Whisky hed got so high that he wuz forst to diloot it, and at his age he coodent stan it. He died uv water on the stumick. I wuz with him in his last moments. His mind wandered, and he talked uv goin wher he'd, finally hev a post-orfis. The doctor, who wuz a Ablishnist, unfeelinly remarkt, that ef ther wuz mails in the country he wuz goin to, it wood be nessary to hev fire-proof mail bags. Like all other grate men, he hed his last words (no member uv my flock shel die without hevin last words, so long ez 1 kin write) — I writ em yisterday. They wuz : " Hev we carried Pennsylvany ? -^- my coppers is burnt out ! — put on my tomb-stun, ' He voted erly and often, and never scratched a tickit.' " Ez winter is approachin, and I need a new soot uv close, I hev determined to call upon the brethren for funds to erect a sootable monument to the memory uv this sterlin Dimekrat. Sums uv ten cents (wich, sence Vallandigum's speckelashun, is the orthodox Dimekratik contribushen), for this purpose, may be sent to me, with the asshoorence that they will be faithfully used. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 148 HOW THE RESULT WAS ACCOUNTED FOB. LVIII. HAS A DIFFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK AND LEAVES IT. Onto the Wing, November the 18th, 1864. The die is cast ! All is ore ! Ef Freedom shreekt when Kossikusco fell, she must hev squawkt last Toosdy nite ez she beheld the innanimate corpse uv the Dimekratik party, which fell, crushing Little Mack, and the hopes uv sum hundreds uv thonsans uv good Dimekrats, who spectid to be persuadid by ther frends into acceptini the various oflSsis under the guverment. I am a lost and rooined man. My people are uv the troo Dimekratik stripe. They hed faith in me. They bleeved wat I told em. I told em Micklellan wuz certain uv the elecshun, and that I hed ded-wood on the disposal uv the offisis in that seckshun. It immejitly become a easy matter to borrer money. It wuz dehteful — wood, wood that it cood hev bin per- petooal ! Brother Savage lent me $50, with a request that I wood speak a good word for him for a furrin mishn. I assoomed a virchus look, and replied that I never sold my iuflooence, but that I alluz had a admirashen for his massive iutellek and many virchoos. Brother Guttle lent me mone}', wantin this, and Brother Sludge wantin that ; in breef, evry individooal uv em who hed a forhead a inch high, spectid suthin. The returns cum in. Ohio — Linkin ! ''Good! 'Rah!" shouts I, with great presence uv mind. " Why good ? " anxshusly asks the expectants. " Becoz, to carry Ohio, the Ablishnists must hev brot votes from Noo York, wich will give us that state, shoor." Noo York — Linkin ! " Good Lord ! " answers I, promptly ; " the Noo York Ablish- nists must hev voted in Ohio, and hev got home in time to vote agin. But wait for Pennsilvany." Pennsilvany — Linkin ! A STRATEGICAL RETREAT. 149 " My frends, ther wuz fraud — Massachoosits soljers, at least 40,000, must hev voted there. Indiana will do it, however." Indiana — Linkin ! " Not less than 40,000 Massachoosits soljers hev voted there. Hhnois is safe, though." Illinois — Linkin. " 40,000 Massachoo— " " Give me my money ! " roard Savage, and the same remark, with variashens, wuz made by Guttle, Sludge, and the rest uv em. " Gently, my frends," sed I, backin out uv the door. " We iiev bin defeated but the great principle that a white man is better than a nigger, for wich we hev so long fought, still lives, Let us sink all minor considrashens, and — " The minor considerashe'ns I referred to wuz, however, uppermost in their minds, for they all went for me, yellin like Cuscororious Injins, " Give me my money ! " whereupon I retreated to the meetin-house, lockin myself in. They sur- rounded it, swearin they'd starve me out. When a innocent boy, I read a harrowin tale uv a Rooshn mother, who wuz persood by frantic wolves, and who saved her own life by droppin her children to em, wun by wun. My privit barrel uv whisky wuz in my study — I wuz saved .' I histid it out uv a winder, and calmly awaited results. They flockt around it — they took turns at the bung-hole. In wun short hour they wuz stretched helpless on the plain, dead drunk. Then and there I resined my charge, and borrerin sich money and watches ez the ungrateful wretches hed about em, to make up arrears uv salary and sich, bid adbo to em forever. I shel go to Noo Jersy. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 150 A DISSERTATION ON BLOOD. LIX. DEPRECATES THE ARMING OF THE SLAVES BY THE SOUTH. Saint's Eest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ^ November the 21st, 1864. > The brave and chiverlus South hev at last desided upon armin their niggers. Bf they do it, it settles the question. The Ablishn party is neerly eggsaustid, and can not hope to cope successfully with three millions uv fresh niggers, the most uv em decendid drekly from the fust families uv the South. The nigger wilL fite ! I may hev sed at diffrent times, when the goriller Linkin wuz armin uv em, that they woodent fite, but it wuz a lie uv the basest character, that 1 got up to deseeve the people. Does Boregard fite ? Does the younger Masons, and Peytons, and RufSns, and Slidells, and sich ? Where do they get their chiverlus darin from ? Onques- chenably frum the old Boregard, Mason, Peyton, Slidell, et settry. Very good. Admittin it's blood that does it, won't the same blood that makes Kernel Peyton chivelrus, operate the same way when coursin thro the vanes uv Sam, his half- brother? Uv coarse. Like causes perdoose like effex. Ef Kernel Peyton takes a dose uv pills, wat's the result? Pre- cisely the same ez wen Pomp takes em. Blood, like pills, operate the same on all constooshns. The mizrable hirelins uv Linkin will rue the day they meet these dark knites. The Suthern white soljer is, I am aware, a mizrable cuss. He wuz born a serf; nacher made him ex- pressly for that system uv society, and he coodent eggsist nowhere else. The Suthern lord uv the sile requires various serviss. Manual labor is dun by the black, but votin must be dun by whites. Nacher steps in and furnishes him a man The impression obtained at one time that the Confederacy intended arming the negroes, and as a last resort giving such of them their liberty as should perform faithful service. This was not finally resorted to, though the negroes were made very serviceable to the rebel cause in servile work in the army, and in raising crops at home, while the whites went to the field. A TOUCHING PICTURE. 151 white enuff to vote, and low enuff to be owned. He hez po chiverlry, and woodent fite at all ef 'twant for the blooded offisers. Imagine entire regiments uv blooded men — men uv the physikle strength uv the native Afrikin, animated with the spirit uv the hawty Southron — a goriller with the sole uv Chevaleer Bayard. I hev prayd that Linkin will spare the South this- bitter cup. Hez the wretch no sole ? Imagin a SuthernofiBser a leadin his regiment into battle. He drors nigh to the enemy. Whiz ! sings a shell. It explodes ! He is safe, but, alas ! dispersed into inch pieces is Scipio, his nigger, and perhaps the son uv liis grandfather's son, or, may be, the uncle uv his own chil- dren ! That shell cost him $1500. A rifle pops, and Pompey dies, who, livin, wood hev bin dirt-cheap at $1200. And so he goes. He treads the path uv glory over the dead bodies uv his blood relashens, which is also his forchune. Agin. Ef the nigger fites alongside uv the white man, he is acknowledged ez his ekal, and away goes the corner-stun uv Dimokrasy. It hez alluz bin a consolashen to the Northern Dimekrat to feel that ther wuz a race meaner than they are. Shel this pleasin deloosion be roodly dissipatid? Forbid it, Hevin ! ' This sacrifis may be avoidid. Linkin hez bin slitely electid, and inasmuch ez he hez control uv suthin over a million muskits, with artilry to match, we Dimekrats, hevin alluz bin a law-abidin people, shel submit quietly to the popular voice. But we kin advise. Linkin hez it in his hands. Let him make peace- immejitly and to-wunst. Let him send commishners to Richmond, under same pay ez members uv Congris (I will go for wun), to treat and be treated. Let us act upon the Mick- lellan ijee. Let us offer them all they want to kum back, and ef they refooze — why then fite it out, on constooshnel, conservative principles. Ef they do refooze, and the war shood be properly conductid, I shood sacrifice all for my bleedin country, and go into the service ez a sutler. I cood not hesitate for a moment. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster u/v the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.' 152 JEFFERSON AT THE FUNERAL OE DEMOCRACY. LX. HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), November the 29th, 1864. I'm bein afflicted with dreams. It's very seldom that I lay my manly form down to rest, that dreams uv the most friteful character don't take posseshun uv me, and I awake in the mornin feelin ez tired ez I do after a hard day's dodgin creditors, wioh is exhaustin. Last nite I hed a dream, the recoUeckshun whereof is enuff to drive a dray hoss uv ordinary sensibilities crazy. Methawt Dimokrasy wuz ded, that his funeral wuz apinted for the 4th uv March, that that day hed arriv, and that the friends uv the deceest hed bin invitid. I wuz on the spot early, but, to my surprise, quite a number uv mourners wuz there afore me. Ther wuz Thomas Jefferson, and Androo Jaxson, and Steven A. Duglis, and Silas Wright, and James K. Polk, and sich. The corpse wuz that uv a giant, who hed evidently died uv dissi- pashen — wunst strong and viggerus, but redoost to a shaky skeleton. Presently Fernandywood, Frank Peerse, Yallan- digum, and Vorhees hove in site. They come a busslin up, ez tho they wuz the ligitimit heirs and assigns afbresed uv the deceest, but ez soon ez they recognized them ez wuz standin round the corpse, they turned pale and sneaked ofi" ez fast ez their legs cood carry em. These distinguished individooels wuz a weepin bitterly over the corpse, particklerly Jefferson. " I am his fond parient," he exclaimed ; " I guided his infant steps ; I — but what the dev — " This exclamashen escaped Thomas, ez his eagle eye lit onto a bootiful nigger-whip wich the defunct hed clutched into his emashiated hand. " He never got that from me," continued Thomas, with a expreshun uv intense disgust ; " I sent the gushin yooth into the world to do away with them things." Wright hed found a revolver and a pair uv handcuffs in his pocket, wich he dropped as tho, they burnt him. Jakson took out uv his vest a package labeld " State-Rites." " Good DOUGLAS SPEAKS OVER THE DEAD BODY. 153 hevins ! " remarkt he, flingin it from him, " did the ijeot fbrgit my teachins ez , soon ez 1 left him, and take up with the . heresies uv that scoundrel, Calhoon ? ". Duglis hed bin searchin, and next to the heart he found a heavy, package markt " Seceshn," at wich they all started back with uphfted hands, ez I've seed the play-actors do when the}' see the ghost uv their dead mother. " He wuz devoted, to his country wen I started him," sed Jefferson. " Him and me put our heel on seceshn wunst," wept Jaxson. " My friends," sed Duglis, " I wuz the guardian uv the deceest up to four yeers ago. He fell into bad hands in '52, and got wild. He become quarrelsome, graspin, and at the same time dissipatid. I tried to keep him strate, but in vane. Sich men ez Bookannon and Peerse hed more inflooence with him than I, and they led him astray. He squandered all the estate yoo left him, the valuable part uv wich wuz bought in by a concern at the hed uv wich is A. Lincoln, uv my State, who, by makin a proper use uv it, is doin a good biznis. To save him, 1 endorst for him in '60, but he bustid me, and seUin all that he had left, he went into the employ uv the Calhoon concern, wich wuz jest startin up, ez 1 left, and I am pained to say that he contracted to do all their dirty work. It wuz that wich killed him." " Bury the cuss — he stinks ! " exclaimed they all in chorions, the noise whereof awoke me. I feel thankful that we modern Dimekrats see Jefferson, Jaxson, and sich, only in dreams. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Ghwreh uv the Noo Dispensashun, 154 AN ANECPOTE. LXI. PROPOSES THE EMIGRATION OP THE DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) December the 8tli, 1864. 5 I READ in the Scripters (a book 1 alluz perooze whenever I'm bad sick), suthin about ten tribes uv Israel that wuz lost. A ijee struck me. I see a way by wich the present unholy, devastatin war kin be stopped, and after givin the matter doo considerashen, I'm convinst uv its feasibility. It is EMIGRASHEN ! The Suthern branch uv the Dimekratik party ought to be convinst, by this time, that they ain't a match for the Ablish- nists a fightin, jest ez the Northern wing hez diskivered that it ain't no match for em a votin. The fact is, the entire plan uv repairin the old temple uv Dimokrasy with secession mortar hez very much the appearance uv a failure. My father (a Noo Jersey Dimekrat) wunst spilled lamp-oil on a noo coat. He askt a nabor, who wuz reckless, wat wood take it out, and he told him sulphuric acid. The old man got some, and poured it on. The next day he went over to his adviser in great wrath, with the remnants uv the coat. " John," said the old gentleman, " didn't yoo tell me that this yere acid wood eradicate grease from my coat ? " " Certinly ; didn't it ? " " John, why didn't you likewise tell me that it would also eradicate the coat ? " Alas ! the remedy Dimokrasy swallered to cure the cramp colic it got in 1860, is gnawin its bowels. It is curin its ills ez striknin duz hydrophoby in a dorg. Many of the more venomous rebels declared they would emigrate by thou- sands to South America, or some other region where they would be out of sight and sound of the Abolitionists, their conquerors. A few attempted it, but soon came back to the shelter of the government they had tried to destroy, " sadder, but wiser men," than when they went. A MATHEMATICAL CALCULATION. 155 To resoom. My ijee is Mexico. Let a peece be made, the terms uv which are, that jest such uv the people uv the old Yoonitid States ez hev made up their individjle minds that they can't live under Ablishn tyranny, shel hev the privilege uv leavin with all their goods and chattels. Then we'll go to Mexico, upset that offshoot uv European monerky, Maxemilian, and set up pure Dimokrasy, with ekal rites and slavery ez the corner-stuns. Sum may object on the ground that Maxemilian is by this time too hefty to be histid. Here is the foi-se we kin kalkilait on : Northern Dimekrats in Canady in consekence ut drafts, . . 200,000 Nortliern Dimekrats at home who spected orfis under Micklellan 1,460,000 Suthern army, say, 200,000 Grand total, 1,860,000 Good Maxemilian stand afore sich a array ez that? Not any. "But," sez one, " uv wat yoose wood them peace Dimekrats and draft skeedaddlers be to a military expedishen ? — they won't fite." My gentle friend, Jeff'son D. knows his biznis. Let him whisper into ther ears that each and every wun uv em that survives shel hev a post-orfis, and they'd wade in blood knee-deep. 0, it would be a cheerin site to see them a chargin up the steeps uv Chepultepec, with the inspirin cry, " Post- orfis ! " Evry wun uv em wood be a hero. There weM set up Dimokrasy agin. The country, uv course, we'd divide, North and South, free and slave, for a Northern Dimekrat wood feel oneasy in his mind ef he hadn't a South to serve. We'd hold Nashnel Convenshuns in the halls uv the Montezoomers, and, 0, woodent it be soothin to agin heer Toombs and Rhett, and them high-minded fellers, a bully-raggin uv us ! Methinks. Ez evry wun uv us wood be offis-holders, wher wood we git constitooence ? Nacher hez pervided. The natives uv that country wood serve admirably. But they coodent understand yoor speekers. Troo, but them Mexicans wood soot ns all the better for not understandin English. Whenever a Dimekrat got 156 A SPIRITUAL SEANCE. sense enuff into him to comprehend our talk, he alluz left the party. Give me the voter who- takes his faith on trust. It's yoor inquirin minds that hez played the devil with us. I shel immejitly perpose the matter to President Davis. Petroleum V. Nasby, LaU Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Biapensashua. — X>S^«E^®*^ LXII. CONSULTS THE SPIRITS. Saint's Rest (wich is intheStait uv Noo Jersey), ) December the 19th, 1864. • I I can't say I bleeve in speritualism. I've tried it several times, but the result wuz never satisfactory. I never cood determine in my own mind ez to whether the sperits uv them ez purported to be strangers, wuz ginooine, not knowin' /their style, whereupon I wood call up the sperit uv a deceest ac- quaintance. The conversashen wood then run ez follows : — Me. " Is the sperit of Jotham Smith present ? " Sperit. " It is. Who calls ? " Me. " Nasby, Petroleum V." Speeit. (Vehemently.) " Pay to my widder, yoo old thief, the thirteen dollars and a half you borrered uv me six years ago." Now, that coodent hev been the sperit uv Jotham Stoith, becoz the said Jotham, when in life, labord manfully for three veers to git that money, and hed signally failed, and for 3'ears hed quit tryin. It coodent hev been Jotham, for he knowd me too well. Ef it wuz his sperit, it proves concloosively to me that the ■ sperit is etherial, and when releest from the body, wich restrains it, it becums flighty. A friend uv mine, here, is a speritooalist, and he invited me wun nite to a cirkle. I went, hppin to find out wat wuz the AN ASSORTMENT OF SPIRITS. • 157 destiny uv the Dimekratik party. I boldly called for the sperit uv Androo Jaxon. It cum. " Androo," sez I, " father uv Dimokrasy, I, wun uv yer per- litikle children — " '• Hold ! " interuptid he. " Did yoo vote for Valandigum ? " " I supportid that persekootid saint." " And Micklellan ? " " Onquestionably I, votid for that great general and states- man." " And after that yoo hev the impudence to call yerselves children uv mine ! Yoor in error, my gentle friend, on the daddy question, or yoo lie wilfully. Yoor Dimekratik party hezn't my politikle eyes, nose, mouth, or expreshun. Yoor the son uv that hoary old traitor, Calhoon, and a mizrable, de- formed, misshapen ape it is. Yoo strangled the Dimokrasy I left yoo, and hev put Calhoon's into its close." " Androo," sez I, " how do you git along with the latter-day Dimokrasy, who deceese, universally regretted, et settry." " Git along with em ! They don't none uv em cum here. There's another and a hotterer place for sich." I then called for the sperit uv Floyd, Bookannon's Secretary, and late Genral in Confedrit servis. He cum to-wunst. " J. B.," sez I, " wat is the fucher uv the Dimokratic party? " " Fucher ! " replied he, smilin a sperit smile ; " why, mftfT. it's in its fucher now. It's deceest, and ought to hev a tomb- stun put up to commemorate its virchoos, immejitly, and regard- lis uv expense. I say regardlis uv expense, becoz, the meaner a man is, the more tomb-stun he needs. Marble is the best material to tell lies on now in use. To resoom. Dimokrasy wuz seized witli a mortal illnis in '60, wen Linkin wuz electid. The blood is the life. Offis is the blood uv Dimokrasy, and wen that wuz withdrawn, Dimokrasy wuz a depleted cuss. It struggled agin hope until last fall, when it kicked its last kick, and a mity week kick it wuz. Dost thou think ef I cood hev been Secretary uv War, perpetooally, with the unlimited facili- ties for stealin we enjoyed under Bookannon, that I wood hev rebelled ? Not any. The North druv us to it, by takin evry wun uv the oflSsis." He woodent communikate no more, and the cirkle closed. I 158 A WAIL AND CURSE. am inclined to bleeve them sperits wuz ginooine. They told a great deal uv trooth — trooths that we can't get over. We shel see. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispemashun. LXIII. "WAILBTH AND CUSSETH." Saikt's Eest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) December the 26th, 1864. 5 I've heerd from Savanner ! I hev read uv it. Fancy the feehns uv a man who hed bin for weeks spectin to heer uv Sherman's bein entirely chawed up by the undanted Suthern melishy ! The follerin impromptoo cuss and wale (ekally mixt) reflex the stait uv mind uv the Dimokrasy uv this secshun : — Hart-sick, weary, alone, bustid. Gone-up, flayed, skinned, hung out. Smashed, pulverized, shivered, scattered. Physikt, puked, bled, blistered. Sich is Dimokrasy ! Alone I sit, like Marius, among the ruins I Alone I sit and cuss, and this is my cuss : Cussid be Calhoon, for he interdoost us to that painted harlot. State Rites, who sedoost us. Cussid be Peerse, who consented to the Nebrasky bill, wich busted us. Cussid be Bookannon, who favored Lecompton, wich peeled us. Cussid be Breckinridge, who woodent support Duglis, and 'lectid Linkin, wich give our post-orfises to Abhshnists. Cussid be the post-masters — may they bekum suddenly insane, and wildly go to trustin out postage stamps to Dimekrats. Cussid be Grant, and Sheriden, and Rosecrance, for they've dun for Demokrasy. SHERMAN'S " CUSSIDNESS." 159 Cussid be them ez went in the army Dimekrats, and cum out Ablishnists. (Wich is a epidemic.) Cussid be Vallandigum, wich went a practisin law, leevin me in the Dimokrasy biznis alone, without any capital to run on. [SPESHLY HOT.] Cussid be Sherman, for he took Atlanta. And he marcht thro the Confedrisy, and respected not the feelins uv ennybody. His path wuz, like Moses's, lit with pillars ~uv fire and smoke, only the fire and smoke wuz behind him. His path is a desert — lo, the voice uv the Shanghy is heerd not in all the land. And the people in the South lift up ther voices and weep, becoz their niggers are not. And he took Savanner, and cotton enuff to hev satisfied Bookannon's cabinet. And he turns his eyes towards Charleston, and is seriously thinkin uv Richmond. He started with three-score thousand — he stopped with three-score and ten. The wind bloweth where it listeth — he listeth where he goeth. As the lode-stone is to steel, so is his steel to the Georgia nigger — it draweth him on. Who will save us from the fury uv this Sherman ? who will deliver us from his hand ? Johnston he beat, Hood he fooled, and Wheeler he flogged. Lee Avood do it ; but he's holdin Grant, and can't let go uv him. So he cavorts ez he wills, a yearlin mule with a chestnut burr under his tail. Bitter in the mouth uv a Dimekrat is quinine, bitterer is gall, but more bitterer is Fedral victories. We hev bin fed on victories lately, and our stumick turns. Played out is Davis, and Dimokrasy hez follered soot. The Dimokrasy is turnin war-men — they are bowin the knee to Linkin, 160 A RENUNCIATION. Voorhees will yet be a Briggadeer, and Vallandigum will cry aloud for war uv exterminashen, and Fernandywood will howl for drafts. For tho John Brown's body lies all mouldy in the grave, his sole is a marchin on. I ain't the rose uv Sharon, nor the lilly uv the valley — I'm the last uv the Copperheds ! I bilt my politikle house on sand — it hez fell, and I'm under the ruins. . ^ r Uv poUitix T wash my hands, I shake its dust orf my lew remainin garments. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Ladt Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — X» i»yg4€M N — LXIV. RENOUNCES SLAVERY. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), j January the 15th, 1865. J f The wages uv sin is death." Sich is the substance uv a passage uv Skripter, wich, sence my exile to this lonely shore, hez bin my solace. How troo the remark ! How fearfully hez it bin realized ! The anshent Dimokrasy owned this guverment, and mite hev had it to day. But then they wuz a richus set. They wuzn't dissipatid. They didn't run after harlots. Jaxon, and Benton, and Silas Write, and sich men, who wuz men, kept us strate. But wen they went to their respective rewards, another class uv men occupied' us. Jim Bookannon and Jeff Davis took hold uv the Dimekratic kite, tore off its time-honored tale, Ekal Rites, and substitootid Slavery. The result is before the In 1865 the lenders of the Democracy of the Northern States were puzzled as to tile proptT conr-e to take to keep life in the organization. Avery large number insisted upon renouncing slavery altogether. AJSD WHY. 161 world. Dimokrasy is in the mud, and the Ablishnists hev the postrorfises. Alass ! In the olden time we used to hear this song : — " Ho ! the ear uv emansipashen Is rollin grandly thro the nashen." I've seen the car. It's on two wheels, and carries balls from 6 to 500 pounds in wate. Sherman rode it into Savanner tother day. The harder the work yoo do for the devil, the more death yoo git for wages. We labored faithfully in the service uv slavery. We dismist our conshenses, went back on our record, swore black wuz white, and vicy versy, even goin so fur ez to go into two wars to perpetuate it. What is the result ? Linkin hez abolisht it by proclamation. His blood-coated hireling hev aboHsht it, niggers and all, wherever they hev gone and they hev made sum rather extensive toors. And, finally, the Confederasy, wich wuz institooted to preserve it, is purpoain to throw it overboard ez the price uv recognishen, and this they do without stoppin to enquire wat is to bekum uv lis Northern Dimekrats, who hev tied ourselves to it. So reckless sailors fling overboard a priceless cargo, to save a worthless , hulk. So Jonah wuz histed into the bilin waves, to save a set uv mariners who wuz not prophets. Wood, wood that I, like him, cood be gobbled by some friendly whale, who wood, in doo time, vomit me out on dry land. Slavery wuz a huge Juggernaut. Jest so long ez we North- ern Dimekrats lade flat in the mud afore its wheels, we wuz not injured, but merely shoved further into the mire, puttin us, however, in the eggsact posishun to ketch the iie that dript frum the axels. But it finally mashed us. Ez for me, I am done. I'm a anti-slavery man from this time out. My conshence won't allow me to support it no longer, and. besides, it don't pay. Ez the sole survivin leader uv the Dimokrasy, I shel immejitly ishoo a circular, instructin uv em to make this change uv front. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Cliureh uv the Noo Dispensashun. 11 162 A SOUL-EENDING LAMENTATION. LXV. LAMBNTETH. Saint's Best (wich is in the Stait uy Noo Jersey), l January the 28th, 1865. ) The waters uv fanaticism coverd all the land, and the Dim- ekratik ark wuz a floatin thereon. And Peerse and Vallandigum, and Vorhees and Bright, and Micklellan and Booel, two and two, wuz therein, and wuz tired. I am a dove, a peace dove. I wuz sent out uv the ark to find a restin-place, but I cood find no rest for the sole uv my foot. For ther wuz no abatin uv the flood. In November our ark restid on Aryrat, and there it is, stuck, and we are dolefully looking out uv the winders. Afore us, behind us, and on both sides uv us, we see our enemies, gorjusly drest in purple and fine linen, and a holdin the orfisis. They hev post-orfisis, and custom-houses, and furrin mishns. and collectorships, and et settrys, wich is our principles. Strandid on the mountain-top, we set, and set, and set. Wendell Phillips pecks at our heads, and Horris Greely stampeth on our corns, and lo ! our hands is tied. From our mountin-top we see the armies goin forth to battle, and we behold the discomfiture uv our friends. And we make faces at our enemi'es. Sayin, Yet a little while, and England and France shel interfere. The provo-marshel roameth up and down the land, seekin whom he may conscript, and nobody dares bust him. And we make faces. All who pass by clap their hands ; they hiss and wag their beds at us, sayin : Is these Dimokrasy ? Is them the sons uv Jaxson ? And we make faces. Two dollars is the tax upon whisky, and the tongue uv the sucker cleaveth to the roof uv his mouth for thirst ; the young THE STUPIDITY OF THK PEOPLE MOURNED OVER. 163 bummer asks for nips, but no man poureth out till he observeth the currency. They that did drink juleps are down to corn-joose, and they that delighted in new whisky are burnin their bowels with camphene. The mole is blind, but not more blinderer than we. When the men uv the South drew the sword, why did we jine ourselves to em ? Why did we try eatin fire, whose mouth wuz made for cheese ? Why did we tie ourselves to a corpse ? Who shel deliver us ? Who shel take us out uv the hands uv our enemy ? Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispensashun. LXVI. DETAILS THE FAILURES OF THE DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) February the 10th, 1865. I People is queer! Humanity, pertiklerly Amerikin humanity, viewed from a Dimekratik standpint, is a inscrootable mystery. To the undersined it's a staggrer. For instance. The normal instinks uv mankind is not to work. Dimokrasy hez bin a holdin out to the Amerikin people the priceless boon uv nigger slavery — the onspeakable happinis uv hevin others sweat for em — uv passin a lifetime a suckin mint-juleps thro straws, and smokin ten-cent cigars, on the work uv others. It wuz rejectid. I wuz a thinkin the matter over to-nite, and I wuz shockt at the remarkable yoonanimity with wich every distinktive meas- ure proposed by the Dimokrasy hez bin repoodiated by the people. We told em the South wood rebel, ef they voted for Linkin. They voted for Linkin. 164 FAILURES IN THE BUSINESS OF PROPHESYING. We told em greenbax and guverment bonds wood be entirely worthless. They take the greenbax, and subscribe for the bonds with a loosenis onparalleled. We told em they cood never whip the South. They went in and are whippin the South, with neatnis and dispatch. We warned em agin drafts, and sich. They go and vote for drafts — indeed, I heerd wun recreant Dimekrat observe that be rather liked a draft wunst or twict per annum, they varied the monotony. " And then," sed he, " a feller feels so good when he finds he ain't drawd." We told em the war wood go on ef Linkin wuz re-electid. They went and re-electid Linkin. We told em that any interference with slavery wood rooin North and South. They abolisht it in a lump. In short, the peeple is crazy. Watever the Dimokras)'^ enderses, the peeple reject ; watever the Dimokrasy recom- mends, the peeple condemn. I'm convinst uv the trooth uv the Millerite doctrine — the end uv the world is at hand. Ez for me, I care not how soon it comes. Life is not meas- ured by yeers. I am three score in yeers, but I hev cpnsoomed enufl" whisky for a man uv a hundred. Therefore I am ready. Whenever the Dimokrasy finally pegs out, I want to go like- wise, for with it my mission is ended. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXVII. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS HOLD A MEETING ON THE FALL OP CHARLESTON. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uvNoo Jersey), ) February the 23d, 1865. ^ Ther are but a very few troo Dimekrats left in this sekshun nv Noo Jersey — very few. The young wuns hev all enlistid The more virulent sympathizers with the Rebellion in the North insisted that tlie fall of Charleston was " the best thing that could have happened to the South," and for the reason given in tlie text. A MOIST SEASON. 165 and turned Ablishnists, and the old wuns are peggin out with delirium tremens. The whisky we git now-Brdays burns our coppers out feerfuUy. A few uv us, whose stumicks is trooly glass, met last nite to shed a tear or two over the fall uv Charleston. Square Potts, who hez bin the reglar chairman for this count}' for thirty years, took the chair, on his own motion, weepin perfoosely. Obed Peasly, who is our ex-oflBsho secretary, bein the only wun in this visinity who kin rite, took his sect, without a motion, a Iweepin profoosely. The rest uv the awjence moved that they be vice-presidents, wich wuz carried, and they took their seats as sich, weepin perfoosely. Here a hitch occurred — there wuz nobody left for committee on resolushens. Three uv the vice-presidence promptly resined and wuz elected ez sich committee, when they (weepin per- foosely) reported the fbllerin, wich the secretary had previ- ously rit : — Wareas, Charleston, the only place on the continent wher pure Dimokrasy abidid, hez foUerd Atlanty and Savanner, and fallen into the hands uv Ablishn hirelins ; and [Here the secretary paused, that the floor mite be mopt.] Wareas, The prospect is lively for Richmond, and the rest uv the Confederasy, foUerin soot ; therefore, be it Besolvd, That we emphatically and unreservedly protest agin a further continooance uv this unholy, unconstooslmel, unmittigatid, and sooicidle war. Mesolvd, That we now maintain what we hev alluz assertid, that eight millions uv free white men can't be subjoogatid at any price. Besolvd, That we congratulate our heroic brethren uv the South, who is strugglin for ther rites, upon the successful evacuation uv Atlanty and Savanner and Charleston, becoz, hevin them places less to defend, they kin consentrate sum- where else to better advantige. Besolvd, That the slowness uv England and Prance at interferin, deserves our reprehenshun, and that ef they are ever goin to do it, now's the time. Besolvd, That them Dimekrats who let on they feel ez good 166 THE FALL OP CHARLESTON A BLESSING. ez the Ablishnists do over these victrys, is unworthy the name. We warn em that it ain't no yoose. The Ablishnists have ennff strate-outers uv their own to hold all orfises, and that turnin into war-men, at this late day, is ruther too fishy to fool even the blindest uv em. Besolvd, That we damnd the war at the beginnin, and that we, uv Noo Jersey, damn it now, and will so continyoo to the end uv the chapter, bein conservative and terribly sot in our way. Besolvd, That callin out 300,000 fresh men to fite our eggsaustid Suthern brethrin, is not only unchivalrous, but is takin a mean advantage uv a noble people, and that we hereby demand uv Linkin that he revoke the order. Besolvd, That such uv us ez are draftid shel hev the privilige uv choosin whether they will die in their own door- yards, or run to Canady. We onhesitatingly recommend the latter course, providin alluz, they kin git back afore the next eleckshun. The resolushuns were, uv course, adoptid — the cheerman, ez is the custom here wen he wants resolutions past, only puttin the affirmative side. After wich I felt a call to speak, and I did so, remarkin : That the loosness with wich teers wuz bein shed, showd that the heart uv the Dimokrasy wuz touched ; that I wuz glad to se em flow, becoz it showd how clost a feelin eggsistid atween the Dimokrasy, North and South. But there wuz really no cause for teers. The triumphs the Ablishnists hed gained wuz no advantages. Charleston hed fallen, it wuz troo. While I regretted the hard necessity, I wuz trooly glad uv it. The feelings uv them peeple hed bin hurt, no doubt. But wat uv that? It wuz easier to let go uv Charleston than to hold on to it. They coodent hold that city any more than they cood Atlanty and Savanner, and, therefore, strategy required its surrender. The good uv the Oonfedrisy required that they should leave, and O, my brethren, with wat alacrity they obeyed the call. They may find it necessary to resine Richmond. Shel we therefore be cast down? Not any. I see Lee's strategy. He calculates on givin up all them towns. Grant and Sherman will hev to A LAMENTATION. 167 leave a garrison in each uv em, until ther armies is all divided up into garrisons ; then comes the crisis. He takes them small garrisons, one at a time, and gobbles em. Thafs his ijee, I make no doubt. Let us, my brethren, keep a stiff upper lip. The more territory Sherman gits, the wuss he is orf. I wate impashently to heer uv his marchin on, feelin that at last Lee will whale him. I concludid, leavin em in good humor. Takin advantage uv the feelin, 1 borrered sum eight dollars uv twelve uv em, wich, with wat credit I hev establisht here, will keep me runnin some time. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXVIII. LAMENTETH OVER THE APOSTASY OF THE SAINTS. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait ut Noo Jersey), ) March the 13th, 1865. 5 I HEV peroosed the papers agin. To me, noosepapers is pizen, and the telegraph wuss than watered whisky. For they bring tidings uv evil to me, and tidings uv grate joy to the Ablishnists. Wilmington hez follered Charleston, and Columby is a mass uv rooins. Sherman hez gone and did it agin, and Bragg succumbs to Schofield. Lee is in Richmond like a rat in a cistern — he can't git out, and it's shoor death to stay in. Weepin I can't do, for my water-works hev given out from The succession of victorie? won by the Federal armies wrought a wonder- ful change in the Northern Democratic mind. All who had not committed themselves too publicly, suddenly became war men. 168 A LOSS OF FAITH IN HUMANITY. too much yoose ; cussin is uv no avail, for I can't do justis to the subject. And the household uv the faithful hev apostatized — they bow the knee to the Moloch Linkin. Wher is them who bought revolvers to resist the drafts ? Lo ! them ez live in Noo Hampsheer is filin affidavits that they bought em to plant corn, by shootin the kernels atween the cracks uv the stuns in their fields, ez is the custom uv the country. Them ez live in the West sware great oaths that they bought em to shoot rats with. Wher is them ez swore solemn oath, in their lodges, to give neither man nor dollar for the war ? Lo ! they shell out their hundreds to draft funds, and are busy gettin substitoots. Wher is them who swore ef they had to go, they wood shoot North ? Lo ! they wuz drafted, and they went like lambs to the slawter, and are now enthoosiastic in the killin uv their Suthern brethern. Wher is them who swore no nigger shood cum North ? Verily, the contraband sweateth on their farms at twelve dollars per month — for his labor they hug him to their buzzums. Wher is them who propheside that greenbax wood be wuth- less, and swore they would never take em ? Lo ! they sell their bosses, and their wheat, and their lands, and will reseeve in pay therefor nuthin else ; they hoard em close, ez the hat will show that goeth around at the close uv my lectures. Where is them who contributed to the support uv Vallan- digum ? In my distress I asked wun uv em for a single quarter, and he bade me be damned. There is no faith in mankind — there is none troo — no, not wun. The party hez flickered out — it standeth not up in its strength — it hez no more backbone than an eel. In disgust I spit upon it — in my wrath I leave it to its fate. THE FALL OF RICHMOND. 16S> Vallandigum and Voorhees hev gone into the law ; 1 shel embark into bounty-jumpin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Pastor uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LiXIX. THE FALL OF RICHMOND AND LEE'S SURRENDER. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), > April the 10th, 186.5. \ I SURVIVED the defeat uv Breckinridge in 1860, becoz I knowd the Dimokrasy cood raise np in arms agin the uncon- stooshnality uv electin a seckshnal President, who wuz impreg- natid with any seckshnal ijees that he got north uv Mason and Dixon's line. I survived the defeat uv Micklellan (who wuz, trooly, the nashen's hope and pride likewise), becoz I felt ashoored that the rane uv the goriller Linkin wood be a short wun ;, that in a few months, at furthest, Ginral Lee wood capcher Washinton, depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal guverment, based upon the great and immutable trooth that a white man is better than a nigger. I survived the loss uv Atlanty, and Savanner, and Charles- ton, becoz, dependin on Suthern papers, I bleeved that them places wuz given up — mind, given up — becoz the Confedrits desired to concentrate for a crushin blow. I survived the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a staggerer; becoz I still hed faith that that grate and good man, Lee, did it for stratejy, that he mite concentrate hisself sumwhere else ; and when the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed " Richmond," and " Go up, bald head," to me, I shook my fist at em, and sed, " Wait, and you'll see." I wuz a lookin for the blow that wuz to f'oller this concen- tratin. It cum ! But it wuz us who reseeved it, and a death blow it wuz. 170 THE LAST DITCH AT LAST. Ajacks defied the litenin ; cood he hev bin a Northern Dime- krat, and stood this Uck unmoved, he mite hev done it with perfect safety. " Lee surrendered ! " Good hevins ! Is this the end uv the concentratin ? Is this the dyin in the last ditch ? Is this the fightin till the last man wuz a inanimate corpse ? Is this the bringin up the childrin to take their places, ez the old ones peg out under Yankee bullets ? " Lee surrendered ! " Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the curtain. The South is cankered! conkeeed ! ! CONKBRED ! ! ! Linkin rides into Richmond ! A Illinois rail-splitter, a bufibon, a ape, a goriller, a smutty joker, sets hisself down in President Davis's cheer, and rites despatches ! Where are the matrons uv Vir- ginia ? Did they not bare their buzzums and rush onto the Yankee bayonets that guarded the monster ? Did they not cut their childern's throtes, and wavin a Confedrit flag in one hand, plunge a meat-knife into their throbbin buzzums with the tother, rather than see their city dishonored by the tread uv a conkerer's foot ? Alars ! not wunst. Per contrary ! I read in the papers that they did rush wildly thro the streets, with their childern in their arms. But it wuz at the Yankee commissary trains, who give em bread and meat, wich they eat vociferously. Their buzzums was bare. But it wuz becoz their close hed worn out, and they didn't know how to weave cloth for new wuns. In breef, they actid about ez mean ez a Northern Dimekrat ever did, and to go lower is unnessary. This ends the chapter. The confederasy hez at last concen- tratid its last concentrate. It's dead. It's gathered up its feet, sed its last words, and deceest. And with it the Dimokrasy hoz likewise given up the ghost. It may survive this, but I can't see how. We staked our politikle fortune on it; we went our bottom dollar on it ; it's gone up, and we ditto. Lin- kin M'ill serve his term out — the tax on whiskej' won't be repealed — our leaders will die off uv chagrin, and delirium tremens, and inability to live so long out uv offis, and the sheep How Nasdy' woiii.i) irATu Dikd in the Last Ditch. V. J'O, THE DEATH OP LINCOLN. 171 will be scattered. Farewell, vane world. I'll embrace the Catholic faith and be a nun, and in a cloister find that rest that poUytics kin never give. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispemashun. LXX. THE ASSASSINATION. Saint'b Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), > April the 20th, 1865. $ The nashen mourns ! The hand uv the vile assassin hez bin raised agin the Goril — the head uv the nashen, and the peo- ple's Father hez fallen beneath the hand uv a patr — vile assassin. While Aberham Linkin wuz a livin, I need not say that I did not love him. Blessed with a mind uv no ordinary dimensions, endowed with all the goodness uv Washinton, I alluz bleeved him to hev bin guilty uv all the crimes uv a Nero. No man«in Noo Jersey laments his untimely death more than the undersined. I commenst weepin perfoosely the minit I diskivered a squad uv returned soljers comin round the cor- ner, who wuz a forcin constooshnel Dimekrats to hang out mournin. Troo, he didn't agree with me, but I kin overlook that — it wuz his misforchoon. Troo, he hung unofFendiu men, in Ken- tucky, whose only crime wuz in bein loyal to wat they deemed their guverment, ez tho a man in this free country coodent choose wich guverment he'd live under. Troo, he made cold- blooded war, in the most fiendish manner, on the brave men uv The northern secessionists had, from the beginning, represented President Lincoln as worse than a brute. The leading men of the party were in a pe- culiar situation at his death. The loyal people compelled them to conceal the satisfaction they felt at his tragical taking off. Like the Parson, they " wept profusely the moment they saw a squ.nd of returned soldiers coming round the corner." 172 AND ITS EFFECT. the South, who wuz only assertin the heaven-born rite nv roolin theijselves. Troo, he levied armies, made up uv pimps, whose chiefest delite wuz in ravishin the wives and daughters uv the South, and a miscellaneous burnin their houses. Troo, he kept into ofiBs jist sich men ez wood sekund him in his hell-begotten skeems, and dismist every man who refused to becum ez de- praved ez he wuz. Troo, he wood read uv these scenes uv blood and carnage, and in high glee tell filthy anecdotes ; like- wise wood he ride over the field uv battle, and ez the wheels uv his gorjus carriage crushed into the shuddrin earth the bodies uv the fallen braves, sing Afrikin melodies. Yet I, in common with all troo Dimekrats, weep ! We weep ! Wo wish it to be distinkly understood, we weep ! Ther wuz that in him that instinktively forces us to weep over his death, and to loathe the foul assassin who so suddenly removed so much loveliness uv character. Ho hed ended the war uv oppression — he hed subjoogatid a free and brave people, who were strug- glin for their rites, and hed em under his feet ; but I, in com- mon with all Dimekrats, mourn his death ! Hed it happened in 1862, when it wood hev been uv sum use to us, we wood not be so bowed down with woe and anguish. It wood hev throwd the guverment into confusion, and proba- bly hev sekoored the independence uv the Sox'(th. But, alas ! the tragedy cum at the wrong time ! Now, we are saddled with the damnin crime, when it wiU prodoose no results. The war wuz over. The game wuz up when Richmond wuz evacuated. Why kill Linkin then ? For revenge ? Revenge is a costly luxury — a party so near bank- rupt ez the Dimokrasy cannot afford to indulge in it. The wise man hez no sich word ez revenge in his dictionary — the fool barters his hope for it. Didst think that Linkin's death wood help the South ? Lin- kin's hand wuz velvet — Johnson's may be, to the eye, but to the feel it will be found iron. Where Linkin switched, John- son will flay. Where Linkin banished, Johnson will hang. Davis wuz shocked when he heard it — so wuz I, and, in common with all troo Dimekrats, I weep. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. A DEFENCE OP NEW JERSEY. 173 LXXI. "MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELF," AND VISITS THE PRESIDENT. Saint's Eest (wlch is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ' May the 21st, 1865. All the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv em recently subjoogatid, all the societies, associashuns, and churches that ever 1 heerd uv, hev sent delegashuns for the purpese uv volunteerin advice to Johnson, the new President. Feelin that Noo Jersey shood not be behind in the advice biznis, I elected myself a delegashun, borrered a clean shirt, and traveled to Washinton. I wuz announct ez " a delegashun from Noo Jer- sey," and wuz to-wunst usherd into the presence. " Wher is the delegashun ? " ejakoolated the President : " hurry em up, for I've thirteen more to reseeve this afternoon." '" Androo Johnson," sed I, impressively, ''I represent Noo Jersey, a Stait that hez just dun honor to the deceest President." " Troo," returned he ; " sich States honor patriots — after they are dead." " I resent the insinooashun, with scorn. Ez proof that the murder uv the President wrung the popular heart uv Noo Jer- sey, let me say, sir, that the Camden and Amboy Directors, at a meetin called for the purpose, absolootely votid to carry the corpse uv the deceest President over the road for half-fare 1 a honor never before accordid to any livin er dead individjooal. But let that pass. Noo Jersey needs no speshl pleader. Ther she stands. Look at her — ef yoo hev a microscope. " I come, Androo, ez a original Dimekrat, who, whatever other sins he may hev committed, never skratcht his tickit er dilooted his whisky. In behalf uv that Dimokrasy I speak. On the aceession of Vice President Johnson to the executive chair delegates from all sections, and from all sorts of associations, poured into the Executive mansion to assure him of their patriotic co-operation, and to offer suggestions as to the course he should pursue. The suggestions advanced by Southern and Northern Democratic delegations were all in one direction. They urged "conciliation," of such a character as would have left the South more com- pletely in control of the politics of the country than before the Rebellion. 174 THE ONLY PLAN. " Ez hez bin menshnnd to yoo wunst er twict, a immense responsibility rests on yoor sholders. The Suthern States struggled for their rites, but were squelobt. They fought bke heroes, but fell, becoz uv overpowerin numbers agin em. They're down — yoor iron heel is onto their necks. What will yoo do ? Will yoo grind em, er will yoo be magnanimus ? " Wunst we wuz a happy nashen, and we kin be so agin — it rests with yoo. Yoo must consiliate the Dimokrasy. Our party North is magnanimus. We stand ready to forgive yoo for hevin draftid us, for hevin taxt us to support a uncon- stooshnel war, providin you'll stop now. Woo our Suthern brethrin back with gentle words. They are a high-sperited and sensitive race, that kin never be subjoogatid. Take em agin to your buzzum, and don't hoomiliate em by degradin con- dishuns. Give em a chanse to forgive us for whalin uv em. Restore their niggers, pay ther-war debt, invite Magoffin, and Vance, and Brown, and the rest uv the guverment back to their various capitols — give Lee, and Jqhnson, and Boregard ther posishuns in the reglar army, and penshun the disabled Con- fedrit heroes. " Ther mustn't be no hangin. You've got that unfortnit statesman, Davis — he fell into yoor hands becoz he wuz igno- rant uv the style uv yoor (late Linkin's) minions. He mite hev knowd that the soljers never saw a woman takin to the woods without chasin her. But he must not be hung. Di- mockrasy looks upon the matter thus : — " Yoo can't hang a man for conspirin agin a guverment onless he takes up arms. " Ef a few take up arms it's only a riot, and no hangin mat- ter, 'cept when Ablishnists, bke John Brown, do it. In sich cases hangin is alluz in order. " Ef a number uv staits do it, it's a revolooshen, and them ez yoo capcher must be treated ez bellyjiggerants and prison- ers uv war. To hang prisoners uv war, Androo, is murder. " This would probably satisfy the South. At the North less is required. The Dimokrasy is easily conciliated. Give our leaders enuff uv the offisis to support em, with the privilege uv managin things to soot us, and the trouke is ore. On them terms we'll support yoor Administrashen, or any other man's, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE . 175 cordially and heartily, and peace will agin wave her white pinions over the land, and will contiuyoo to wave em ontil the Suthern heart is agin fired. " 1 hev dun — Noo Jersey hez spoke." I rather spect my words will bear froot. Look out for a change uv policy. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensaslmn. LXXII. HAS A VISION. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), May the 31st, 1865. Dreams wuz common in the old skriptooral times, and wuz considerd ez prophetikle. T hed a dreem last nite, wicli may or not mean suthin. Bf it may, Lord help the undersined, is my prayer; continooally. I dreamed I wuz dead — that, assistid by a typhus fever and two doctors, I hed busted the bonds uv mortahty, and hed sored to the unknown hereafter. Up I went to the gates uv the tother world, wher I wuz confronted by Peter. " Wher yoo from ? " sez he. " Noo Jersey,'' sez I. " Wuz yoo a good cittizen? " sez he. " I wuz a Dimekrat who never scratcht a tickit," sez I. " Hev yoo votid that tickit for the last four years, and kin yoo read ? " sez he. " I hev and kin," sez I. " Then yoor place is below," sez he. " Git." Wich I did. I met his Majesty, Satan the I., at his door, and he welcomed me corjelly. I wuz disappointed in his personal appearance. He wuz a middle-aged man, gentlemanly in style, resemblin Jeff'son Davis very much, only hevin a more intelleo- tooal cast uv countenance. 176 WHO WILL AND WHO WILL NOT. " Welcome," sez he. " I hev bin spectin yoo sum time." " Hev yoo many uv the Dimokrasy with yoo," sez I; " Not many uv the ginooine Copperheds," sez he. " Uv course, yoo hevn't," sez 1 ; " we average ez good ez — " " That's not it," sez he, gazin onto me with a expreshun uv intense fondness, " that's not jist it. All but about ten or eleven from each county git out by pleadin ignorance, and idiocy, and sich. But it's all rite. 1 make it up by hevin a heavier force to spare to stir up the few leaders. Yoo kin read print, can't yoo ? " he askt anxshusly.' " I kin," sez I. " All rite," sez he. " Jefferson Davis will be along in a few months, tho ef he don't show more man than he did when he wuz caught, he'll make poor amusement." " He's a disgrace to his sex — he ort to hev bin a woman," sez I. " Troo," retorts he ; " but, ez Shakspeer sez, ' there's a divinity that shapes our ends.' Then Alec Stephens ! " " Will yoo git him ? He wuz originally opposed to seceshn." " That's my best holt. Davis wuz alluz a secesh ; Benjamin wuz, becoz he thot it wood pay — on them I've hed a morgage ever sence they arrived at the years uv accountability. Ste- phens knowd seceshn wuz wrong — he can't pleed ignorance nor nuthin, for he warnd his people agin it, and then wuz bot up into doin it hisself for the poor privilege uv playin second fiddle to Jeff Davis, who drawd a mizrable bow hisself I've dead wood on him." " Tell me, gentle sir," sez I, " how about Fernandywood, Vallandigum, et al., ez the lawyers say." " In doo time they're mine," sez he. " They can't save themselves by repentance, even. They are now past forty, and ef they'd commence in dead ea,rnest, tryin to do ez much good ez they hev bad, and lived till they wuz ez old ez Me- thoozeler, they couldn't make a commencement toward bal- ancin the books. By the way, speekin uv Methooseler, I hed to wate pashently for customers in them days, when men lived 900 years. " There's Corry, Colorado Jewet, and Garret Davis," con- tinnerd he, " I've hed my eye on. Jewet and Corry I'll lose A HAPPY AWAKENING. 177 — there's a place outside uv my jurisdicshen for sich. They ain't responsible, yoo see. The devils that wuz cast out uv the man, and took refuge in the sw^ine, left the swine when they wuz drowned, and hev inhabited many men sence. Two uv em are in Corry and wim in Jewet, to-day. Garret Davis hez, evry now and then, a glimrin uv sense ; he shows, occasionally, surface indicashens uv intelleck, not quite enuff for a lunatic, and too much for a ideot. I may git him, and may not. But yoo will hev plenty uv company. The stand yoor party took, druv thousands uv men into cussednis, who'knowd better, and who, ef let alone, wood hev dodged me. I hev an eye on sum who denounst Vallandigum, and j'et, when the screws wuz brot down onto em — and, by the way, jist sich ez yoo turnd them sed screws (and he pokt me jockularly in the ribs) — actually presided at Vallandigum meetins, and voted for him. Then, after he wuz defeetid, they swore they didn't vote for him at all, addin a dirty lie to the original sin, wich is givin the devil (ez voo style me) his due, with compound interest. " But excuse me — I'll show yoo to yoor apartmence. This wa}', my dear sir." I objected to goin, and looked anxshusly around for a escape. Observin this, a change come o'er this polite gentleman afore me. His eyes glistend, a sulphurus stream ishood from his mouth, his feet partid into hoofs, his fingers elongatid into claws. I observed a tail peepin down under his coat ; in short, he wuz transformed into the identicle devil I hed seen on several occashens, when laborin under- attacks uv delirium tremens, sooperindoost by drinkin a barrel or so too much elecshun whisky, doorin hotly-contestid campanes. He reecht one claw for me, when I awoke. To say I wuz rejoiced at finciin myself still on prayin ground, is weak — 'twuz joy onspeekable. I can't interprit the dream. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Pa ter uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 12 • 178 A FEW PLAIN RULES. LXXIII. LAYS DOWN A PLATFORM FOR THE COMING CAMPAIGN. Saint's Rest (vrieh is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), i June the 23d, 1865. 5 These is the dark days uv the Dimokrasy. The misforchoons that befell our arnftes in front uv Richmond, the fall uv our capital, foUered by the surrender uv our armies to Grant and Sherman, hez hurt us. Our leaders are either pinin in loath- some dunguns, incarseratid by the hevin-defyin, man-destroyin, tyrannical edix uv our late lamented President, or are baskin in the free air uv Italy and Canady. We hev no way uv keepin our voters together. Opposin the war won't do no good, for before the next elecshun the heft uv our voters will hev dis- kiverd that the war is over. The fear uv drafts may do suthin in some parts uv Pennsylvany and Snthern Illinoy, for sum time yit, but that can't be depended on. But we hev wun resource for a ishoo — ther will allnz be a Dimokrasy so long as ther's a nigger. Ther is a uncompromisin dislike to the nigger in the mind uv a ginodine Dimekrat. The Spanish bull-fighter, when he wants to inflame the bull to extra cavortin, waves a red flag afore liim. Wen yoo desire a Dimekrat to froth at the mouth, yoo will find a black face will anser the purpose. There- fore, the nigger is, to-day, our best and only holt. Let us use him. For the guidance uv the faithful, I shel lay down a few plain rools to be observed, in order to make the most uv the capital we hev : — 1. Alluz assert that the nigger will never be able to take care uv hisself, but will alluz be a public burden. He may, possibly, give us the lie by goin to work. In sich a emergency, _ J The Democracy of the North brought the negro more prominently forward than ever at the close of the war. The certainty that the ballot would very soon be given to that race, inflamed the lower strata of that party terribly, which feeling its leading men made good use of. " SAVE US FROM NIGGER EQUALITY." 179 the dooty uv every Dimekrat is plane. He must not be allowed to work. Associasliens must be organized, pledged to neither give him employment, to work with him, to work for any one who will give him work, or patronize any wun who duz. (I wood sejest that sich uv us ez hev bin forchoonit enuff to git credit, pay a trifle on account, so ez to make our patronage worth sutliin.) This course, rigidly and persistently follerd, will drive the best uv em to stealin, and the balance to the poor-Ii«uses, provin wat we hev alluz claimed, that thej'' are a idle and vislius race. Think, mj^ brethren, wat a inspirin effeck our poor-houses and jails full uv niggers wood hev on >tlie people ! My sole expands ez I contemplate the deliteful vision. 2. Likewise assert that the nigger will come Nortli, and take all the good places, throwin all our skilled mechanics out uv work by underbiddin uv em. This mite be open to two ob- jecshuns, to-wit : It crosses slitely rool the 1, and white men mite 'say, ef there's jist enuff labor for wat's here, why not perhibit furriners frum comin ? 1 anser : It's the biznis uv the voter to reconsile the contradicshun — he may beleeve either or both. Ez to the second objeckshun, wher is the Dimekrat who coodent be underbid, and stand it even to starvashen, ef the underbiddin wuz dun b}' a man uv the proud Caukashen race ? and wher is the Dimekrat so lost to manhood ez not to drink blood, ef the same underbiddjn is dun by a nigger? The starvin for work ain't the question — it's the color uv the cause uv the starvashen that makes the difference. Nigg^ equality may be worked agin to advantage. All men, without distincshun uv sex, are fond uv flatrin theirselves that somebody's lower down in the scale uv humanit)' than they is. Ef 'twan't for niggers, what wood the Dimokrasy do for sumbody to look down upon ? It's also slioor to enlist wun style uv wimmen on our side. In times gone by, I've notist gushin virgins uv forty-five, full sixteen hands higli and tough ez wire, holdin aloft banners onto wich wuz inscribd — " Save us frum Nigger Equality." Yoo see it soothed em to hev a chanse uv advertisin, 1st, That they wuz frail, helplis critters ; anH, 2d, That, anshent and tough ez they wuz, some wuii wuz still goin for em. 180 GENERAL MARION S0MPTER FITZHCGH GUSHER. Ef ther ain"t no niggers, central commities must furnish em. A half dozen will do for a ordinary county, ef they're hustled along with energy. - Ef they won't steal, the central commities must do it theirselves. Show yer niggers in a township in the mornin, an the same nite rob the clothes-hnes and hen-roosts. Ever willin to sacrifice myself for the cause, I volunteer to do this latter dooty in six populous counties. These ijees, ef foUered, will, no doubt, keep us together until our enemies split, when we will reap the reward uv our constancy and fidelity. May the Lord hasten the day. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — »« C»>3E<^ July tlie 12th, 1865. 5 I hev bin in Washinton, and while ther I -wxiz interdoost to Gineral Marion Sumpter Fitzhoo Gusher, uv MississippJ^ I wuz anxious to meet with a representative Dimekrat uv the South, to interchange views, to hev soothin confidences, to unbuzzum, hecoz for the past four years the Dimekratic party hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the seckshun it hez occupied is not the identikle seckshun onto wich the orfises is located, and Washington was full of "General Gushers" at the close of the war, where they received homage from their Northern friends. Their expectations were quite as large as those of the Gusher of this letter. It was a fond dream of many politicians, North and South, that the ancient union between the Demo- cratic party of the two sections could be restored, and the defeated oligarchy be enabled to rule once more according to the old method. It was the boast of the politicians that tliey would, by the use of their " brains " in management, soon gain all they had lost by war. WHY GENERAL GUSHER SECEDED. 181 only by a perfect union with our wunst-loved brethren uv the South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel ground. Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman uv the real Suthern school. He puts C. S. A. after his name onto the hotel regis- ter, and his rings, buzzuin-pin, and the head uv his cane, is all made uv the bones uv inizrable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull Run — he sez by his own hand ; and it must be so, for who ever knowd a Suthern man to boast vaingloriously ? We met and embraced, weepin proibosely. •' Alass ! " sobbed the Gineral, " wat a nitemare hez obscoord our respective vishuns for the past four yeers ! I wuz alluz a Union man, alluz ! alluz ! alluz ! The old flag I lov^ed with more than parental affeckshun — to me it wuz more nor life ! " '• Why, then, my Ajacks," sobbed I, " did you raise yoor paricidle hand agin it ? " " Why, my beloved ! Because MY STATE secesht, and I wuz carried along by a torrent uv public opinion, wich I cood not stem, and I went with her. But it's all over. We hev awoke, and I'm here in the capital uv my beloved country, under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich is the pride uv Americans and the terror uv all weak nashens wich hez terri- tories contiguous, ready to take a oath, and resume the citizen- ship I laid ofi", and agin run the guverment for its own honor and glory." " Hev yoo a pardon?" sez I. " Methinks, wunst a paper reecht my humble village, wich, is unanimously Dimekratik — it cum around a package uv goods from Noo Ycjrk — and in that paper I saw your name ez wun uv the offisers who killed the niggers at Fort Pillow. Am I rite ? " " You are. I'm a gushin child uv naclier — I'm enthoosiastic. Labrin under the same deloosion that secesht us, I bleevd at that time that I wuz doin a good thing, in killin them property uv ours that Linkin hed shovd bloo coats onto. I hev no apol- ogies to offer — I am now writin a justificashen. " I, and I speak for thousands uv the chivelrous sons uv the South, who would like a good square meal wunst more, am willin to be conciliated. The oppertoonity is now offered the guverment to conciliate us. We are returnin prodigal sons — kill yoor fatted veal, and bring out yoor gold rings and purple 182 THE CONDITIONS OP PEACE. robes, and sich. We ask condishns — we shel insist on terms ; but we are disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to ac- knowledge the supremacy uv the guverment, but there must be no humiliashen. A proud, high-sperited people, like us uns, won't stand it — no sir, we cannot. Ther must be no hangin, no confisticashen, no disfranchisin. We are willin to step back jest as we stept out, resoomin our old status, trustin to engi- neerin to git sich other pints ez are not here enumeratid. Without them condishns, the Union wood not be wun uv heart — 'twood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for is a Union founded on love, wich is stronger and more solider than mus- kits. Hearts is trumps — let the platform be hearts, and all is well." " But, Gineral," sez I, " in all this wat do yoo purpose for us Northern Dimekrats ? " " Towards em our bowels melt with love. We forgive yoo. Ef yoo kin take the old attitood, well and good — ef not — " " Hold ! " sez I, " don't threat. A ginooine Northern Dime- krat wants but little here below, but wants that little long. Give him a small post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a nigger to look down to, and he is supremely happy. Ef a angel in glory wuz to oifer to trade places with him, harp, golden crown and all, lie wood ask odds." " Uv course them positions yoo kin hev — we don't want em. All we ask is to make the platforms, and hev sich orfises ez hawty, high-toned men kin afford to take, and' yoo uns kin hev the rest. But wun thing must be understood. The scenes uv the Charleston Convention must never be re-enactid — there must be no more Duglissis. Under thfe new dispensashun yoo dance whenever we fiddle, askin no ques^tions. The Sutliern heart must never agin be fired — it wood consume itself. Ez soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel immejitly go home and run for Congris — see to it that ye hev enuff Dimekrats ther, that we, jintly, kin control things. Uv course, in a Union uv love, ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must never be paid, onless ourn is ; his hirelins must never be pensioned, unless our patriots is. Wat a deliteful spectacle ! Men who, yester- day, wuz a gougin each other onto the field uv battle, to-day a drawin penshuns amicably, from the same treasury ! The eagle ANOTHEE VISION. 183 wood flop his wings with joy, and angels wood exclaim, ' Bully J ' I am disabled from wounds received on the field, and rejoice that our penshun laws is so libral. Go home, my friend, and marshel for the conflict. TeU yoor central committies to col- lect expense money, and I, and Ginral Forist, and Kernel Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick Turner, and Bo regard, and perhaps that noble old hero (take ofl' yoor hat while 1 per- nounce his glorious name), Ginral Robert E. Lee, will come up and stump the North for yoor tickits. I hev done. I go." " Noble man," thot I, ez he stalkt majestically away, takin, in a abstractin manner, mj'' now hat and umbreller, leavin his old wuns, " who coodent fbller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and forever ? " Petroleum V. Nasby, Laii Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXV. "DREAMS A DREAM." Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), July the 21st, 1865. Dreams is becomin the most commonest recreation I hev. I don't know whether these dreams is the sperit uv prophecy, sugar-coated with sleep, or whether they are sooperindoost by the reglar three-quarters uv a pound uv tripe I eat at about 11 J P. M. ; but dreams I hev. Last nite I dreamed that I hed bridged time, and wuz set ahead' about nine months, wich time brings forth events in pollitics, ez well ez in other things too tedioua to menshun. Methot the South hed bin concilliatid and reconstructid, and hed cum back into the sisterhood uv States, ez sisters gener- ally come back alter a quarrel. South Caroliny wuz repre- sented in the House by Genral Swasher, and all the Rhetts, et settry, and Missippy by a dozen or two kernels and genrals, for that State sent none to Congress ceptin its heroes. Jefl'son 184 THE INSULT TO GENERAL McGOUJUM. Davis wuz a candidate, but lievin sed, in his zeal for repudia- shen, that he wuz for repudiatin all debts, his constituency wuz afraid that he mite inclood tiie Confedrit war debt, so they defeated him, and elected Ginral JIcGoujum, who held that the Fedral war debt wuz unconstooshnel, and must be repudiated, while the Conf'ederasy's ought to be paid ez a conciliatory measure. The ginooine Dimokrasy uv the North hed electid enufl" members to give the South control uv Congress. In my dream I wuz seated in the gallery uv the House. A member from Noo York wuz introdoosin a bill appropriatin a sum uv money for the purpose uv erectin a monument to the memory uv the Union soljers who fell at Gettysburg. No sooner hed the fanatic red the title uv the bill, than Ginral McGoujum and Swasher, and Kernel Pelter, uv Georgy, walked over to his seat, and with their canes beat him over the hed twenty or fifteen minits. He wuz carried out for dead. Ginral McGoujum claimed the floor. " Mr. Speaker," said he, " I'm bilin ! Indignashen is heaviu and tossin my chivelrus sole in a most tremenjusly toomulchus style. I am, Mr. Speaker, a citizen uv this glorious Kepublic. I stand here, to-day, reconstructid and concilliatid — a loyal man. I hev took the oath, and sence hev violated no rool or custom uv this House. I hev drawd my pay promptly — I hev even gone so fur in the spirit uv forgivenis and Christian char- ity, ez to take that pay in greenbax, instid uv demandin gold, notwithstandin every wun uv em bears the portrait uv that feendish ape, that thirster after gore, that destroyer uv habis corpusis and constooshnel rites, our late lamentid President. After makin these sacrifices, shel I sit here camly, and allow a negro-steelin Yankee to insult the South with allusions to Gettysburg, and sioh ? Never ! Shel a Noo York missegen- nygenashunist, in this hall, perpose to appropriate the treasure uv our common country to commemorate a field on wich my constituency wuz walloped, without rebuke ? Never ! He hez bin rebuked — let him heed the warnin." Several Ablishn members riz, but the Dimokrasy wuz firm, and woodent let em speak. The Suthern members wuz a goin to withdraw in a body, wen Fernandywood rose and perposed a comperraise, ez follows : MR. FERNANDO WOOD'S COMPROMISE. 185 That barmony and good feelin shood prevale, hentzforth and forever. The word " war " shel never be yoosed in this hall ; that, whenever referred to, it shel be termed '• misunderstandins." That the flags, cannon, and sicli-iike trophies, found by the Federal army in various parts uv the Southern States, be to- wunst destroyed. That penshuns be paid to the misunderstandinists from both secshuns, for services rendered the guvei-ment. That the very fields onto wich these misunderstandins occurred, be plowed over at the expense uv the guverment." That no book be publisht givin any account uv prison-life, or sich. That bunkum orators in this House draw their alloosions to our mihtary fame solely from the Mexikin war. The compermise wuz uv coarse adoptid. Ez the vote wuz announst, Ginral McGoujum and Fernandywood rusht into each other's arms, and wept down each other's backs, while Kernel Felter waved a flag over em, formin a picter trooly tetchin. " Thank hevin," I exclaimed, ez I awoke from this refreshin sleep, " Brooks is dead, but his sperit still lives — his sole is marchin on. So long ez we hev a Southern Dimokrasy to de- maud, and a Northern Dimokrat to give, all win be well. Bless the Lord ! " Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Oliurch uv tJie Noo Dispensashun. A proposition almost identical to that attributed to Fernando Wood was seri- ously advanced by the Southern press as a proper basis for the restoration of harmony. 186 TWO DISCOVEKIES. LXXVI. ISSUES AN ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY. Saint's Kest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) July the 21st, 1865. 5 To THE DiMOKRASY UV THE SUTHERN StAITS : Dearly beloved, I saloot yoo ! The events uv the past four years hev bin momenchus. The war hez ended — to a sooperfishel observer it wood seem disastrusly to yoo and us, but to him whose eagle eye kin pierce the misty fucher, gloriously. Troo, we lost the orfises, and hev bin for four long and weary years on steril ground, whose fruits wuz wormy/ and whose water wuz bitter. So the childern uv Israel wandered forty years in the wildernis, but they finally found a Canan, full uv fatnis, runnin with milk and honey, and sich. So shel we emerge into our Canan ore long. The war hez hed its uses. We hev diskivered that the Suthern Dimekrat cood be depended on to fite ; yoo hev dis- kivered that the Northern Dimekrat cood be depended on to do yoor dirty work, thro thick or thin, and we hev both diskiv- ered that the Ablishnist is no coward, and will really make sacrifices for principle. Knowin all this, we kin work intelli- gently in the fucher. It is the dooty now uv every Suthern Dimekrat to take the oath to-wunst, and be metamorphosed into loyalty. Then -we've got em. Demand, ez only a Sutherner kin demand, that the military be withdrawd, and that yoor representatives be admitted. Th^n, ef we kin carry enuff deestriks North, )-oo hev the game in yoor own hand. But to accomplish this last feat, yoo must aid us. We hev bin unforchnit in our politikle venchers, and at least wun uv our prophecies must cum troo, otherwise how kin we go afore the people ? The nigger is all we've left, and the va- riety we hev up here is uv no yoose to us, for they are all earnin their own livin, and ain't crowdin white folks out uv WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT. 187 poor-houses, at all. !^t's my candid convicshun that the grovelin cusses work and earn money jest to spite us. In some localities, our sagashus managers hev indoost sum uv em to drink with em, and in a few mouths got em into delirium tremens, and their families into the poor-houses. To their untutored bowels our likker is litenin. But this can't be dun ginrally, becoz it's all our leaders kin do to keep their own skins full. To yoo we look for aid. A enterprisin Yankee (cusses on the race ! ) wuz wunst askt wat biznis he followd to make so much money. He replied that he hed the itch, and he traveled ahead, givin it to people, his brother comin immejitly after, sellin a cure. Let us imitate their wisdom. Promptly ship to each Northern stait 200,000 old niggers who can't work, and to make asshoorence doubly shoor, starve em awhile, and run the measles and small- pox thro em. Mix with em a few thousand black wimmen with mulatto childern, to show the horrors uv amalgamashun. Then we'd hev suthin to go on ! Ez we carted em into the poor- houses, and levid taxes to support em, how our speakers wood gush ! how our papers wood howl ! After four years uv fail- yoor in the prophecy biznis, the ijee uv hevin wuu cum troo, sets me into a delirium tremens uv joy. Tlien, immejitly, yoor legislachers must pass stringent laws agin a nigger leavin his respective county, and then pass another law not allowin any man to give able-bodied wuns to exceed $5 a month. This dun, I hev faith to bleeve thoxisands uv em will beg to be agin enslaved, about mid winter. Ef they will persist in dyin in freedom, we kin, at least, pint to ther bodies, and say in a sepulkral tone : " Wen niggers wuz wuth $1500, they wuz not allowd to die thus — behold the froots uv Ablishn philanthropy ! " Either way, it's cappital for us. Yoo must inkulkate the doctrin uv State Rites zealuser than ever, and while yoo are gittin yoor people tuned up on that, we'll hammer away at debt and corrupshun, and sich deliteful themes, and wunst more we'll git the Ablishnist under our feet. I hev indioatid briefly the ginral. outlines uv the policy we must pursoo ef we wood succeed. Uther ijees will sejest themselves to yoo — let us hev em, and we'll act on em. In conclooshun. Be wary and untirin. Remember, on yoo 188 A LESSON FROM SCRIPTURE. depends the politikle fortunes uv the thousands who wunst held offis, but who hev bin to grass for four long weery years. We must succeed now or never. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — >e^^aE#«v, on my naked knees, and with one hand uplifted, and my shirt^ale a wavin in the wind, they made me take the oath, and drink a pint uv water. The oath give me imflamma- shen uv the brain, and the water inflammashen uv the bowels, and for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac. I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who woodent sacrifice his aged grandmother for the party, is unworthy f lie name ; but I object to nominatin them, for the foUerin reasons also: 1. 'Tain't honest. In 1862 I called the soljers " Linkin EIGHT REASONS. 191 pui-ps," and the orfisers " slioulder-strapt hirelins," and I meant it. They wuz wagin a cruel and unholy war agin Dimokrasy ; they wuz redoosin our majorities in the Suthern States at the rate uv some hundreds per day, and now to nominate them, is , a flop I'll never make. 1. 'Twon't pay. These fellers sold us out when they took commishns ; they sold out the Ablishnists when they flopt back to us, and what guaranty hev we that they won't sell us out, the next turn uv the wheel ? Ef we cood git some decent wuns it mite do ; but, good Lord ! the soljer who wood do this wood be lower down than we is, wich wood bother a man. All the votes that sich men cood controle, we hev alluz owned in fee-simple. 3. 'Tain't justis to us original Copperheads. We endoored the heat and burden uv the day ; we resistid drafts ; we damned taxes ; we wuz Fort Lafayeted and Fort Warined ; 'twas us who died in our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then ? All the damage they did the guverment wuz in drawin pay and rashens. 4. The reconstructed Demokrasy uv the South won't like it, and to them, after all, we must look for success. 5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by allowin niggers to fite with em. 6. We hev gone too fiar to try the ioljer-dodge. We opposed the war ; we opposed ther votin ; we opposed the AbHshn in votin pay and supplies, we opposed aid societies, and laft at sanitary commishns ; we opposed drafts at a time when they needed help ; and to go back on sich a record is ruther renchin, and I won't do it. 7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit ourselves to payin his penshuns, et settry. How wood the Suthern Dimokrasy like that ? 8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust the deserters and them ez went to Canady for the sake uv the cause. We hev capital enuflf in the nigger. Let us plant ourselves boldly on shoor ground. Let us resolve that Goddelmity wuz rite in makin the nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in implantin in his heavin buzm a cronic desire to run away from his normal condishn. Let us hang out our banner, and inscribe 192 A PSALM OF SADNESS. on its folds, " No marryin niggers ! " " No payin a debt in- curred in a nigger war ! " " Protect us from nigger equality ! " and sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the Dime- kratik intellek, and go in and win. May the Lord hasten the day. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Churcli uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXIX. SUGGESTS A "PSALM OF SADNESS" FOR HIS FRIENDS SOUTH. Saint's Rest (wich is In the Stait uv ¥oe Jersey), ■) September the 12th, 1865. \ The utter and abject state uv cussitood into wich the Di- mokrasy find theirselves, North and South, makes a day uv fastin approprit. Ef the Lord is ever a goin to help us, now's his time. ■ Ef my clerikle brethrin uv the Church South decide to appint a day uv fastin and prayer, I submit the foUerin ez a sam uv agony, approprit for the occasion : — a SAM uv AGONY. On the street I see a nigger ! On his back a coat uv bloo, and he carryeth a muskit. He is provo-guard, and he halteth me, ez wun hevin au- thority. And my tender daughter spit on him, and lo ! he arrested her, and she languisheth in the guard-house. My eyes dwell on him, and my sole is a Artesian well uv woe; it gusheth with grief. For that nigger wuz my nigger ! I bought him with a price. Alas ! that nigger is out uv his normal condishn ; he is a WHAT THE NIGGER WAS AND IS. 193 star out uv its speer, which sweepeth thro the political hevens, smashin things. Normally, he wuz wuth gold and silver — now he is a nite- mare. Wvinst I wuz rich, and that nigger wuz the basis thereof. Woe is me ! I owned him, soul, body, muscles, sinews, blood, boots, and briches. His intelleck wuz mine, his body wuz mine, likewise his labor and the fruits thereof. His wife wuz mine, and she wuz my conkubine. The normal results uv the conkubinage I sold, combining pleasure and profit in a eminent degree. And on the price thereof I played poker, and drank mint- juleps, and rode in gorgus chariots, and wore purple and fine linen every day. Wuz this miscegenashun, or negro equality? Not any. For she wuz mine, even as my ox, or my horse, or my sheep, and her increase wuz mine, even as wuz theirs. Ablishn miscegenashun elevates the nigger wench to his level. 1 did it for gain, wich degraded her muchly. And when the wife uv my buzm lifted up her voice in complaint, sayin, " Lo, I am abused — this little nigger resem- bleth thee ! " half the price uv the infant chattel wood buy a dimund pin with wich to stop her yawp. And my boys follered in my footsteps, and grate wuz the mix, but profitable. But my dream is bustid. The nigger is free, and demands wages for the work uv his hands. His wife is free, and she kin decide whether she'll cleave to Jier husband, or be my conkubine. Yisterday I bade her come to me, and, lo ! she remarkt, " Go 'way, white man, or I'll bust yer head." And I gode. Her childern are free — they are mine, likewise, but I can't sell em on the block, to the highest bidder. Therein Linkin sinned — he violated the holiest and highest instincts uv our nacher ; he interposed a proclamashen atween father and child. We took the heathen from Africa, and wuz a makin Chrrs- 13 194 A SUPPLICATION FOR MEECT. tians uv em. Woe to him who stopt us in our mishnary work. It is written — " Kin the Ethiope change his skin ? " I wuz a changin it for him, I and my fathers, and we hed mellered it down to a brite yaller. Dark is my fucher. I obeyed the grate law uv labor, ez I served in the army by substitoot. Now shel I hev to stain my hands with labor, or starve. In what am I better than a Northern mudsill ? I kin git no more diamond pins for the wife uv my buzm, and she yawpeth continually. Arrayed in hnm-spun, she wrastles with pots and kettles in the kitchen. Weighed down with woe, she dips snufF in silence. She asks uv me comfort — wat kin I say, whose pockets contain only Confedrit skrip ? Save us from Massachusits, wich is ornery and cussid. Protect us from nigger soljers, wich is grinnin feends. Shelter us from the ghost uv John Brown, wich is march- in on. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXX. A HORRIBLE VISION. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ^ September the 20th, 1866. ) Last nite, for amusement, I picked up a volume uv poems, ritten by wun Campbell, and happened to read a piece called '• The Last Man." It's a rather heavy piece uv writin. His descriptive powers are rather better than mine, tho, perhaps, ef my too partial friends ain't too partial, he is a long way behind me in the matter uv pathetics, and in them fine touches wich show the man uv sole and sensibility. THE LOST NEGRO. ,^ 195 Be that ez it may, the poem made an impression on me (wich is proof tliat there is suthin in it), and it wuz onto my mind ez I retired to my virchus couch. Scarcely hed I sunk into slumber, when my viggorous intellek, wich even the bonds uv slumber can't chain, wandered away into the misty realms uv speckulashen. I hed the most horrible vision that ever afflicted a sleepin man, wich the bare recollecshun uv causes a involuntary shudder to thrill my susceptible frame. Methawt a epidemic startid in Africa, and come by reglar steps through Europe, and finally reached Noo York. For a time it raged alike among all classes uv people, and among all colors and complexions. The proud and hawty Caucassian, the bold and patriotic Celt, the noble red man uv the forest (wich is pizen), all, all wuz swept away by the relentless pestilence. Finally, it abated. The white man and the red man begun to escape the fangs uv death ; but among the niggers it raged wuss than ever. Thro the South it swept like a tornado, sparin the whites but cuttin down every nigger in its path. Ther wuz weepin and wailin. The hawty planter saw in his nigger-quarters the brite octoroon, for whom he hed paid $2500, and who hed solaced his hours uv relaxashen with her charms — who hed bore him girls almost perfectly white, wich, on account uv hevin his blood in their vanes, he hed bin able to sell for $3000 and $4000 to other planters, whose tastes run in that direckshun — he saw her, the objeck uv his affeckshun, and a part uv his estate, lyin a inanimate corpse, not worth a cent for any purpose. Likewise he saw his robust field-hands, each Avun with sinews and muscles uv iron — the males hearty and sound, without blemish ; the females capable uv raisin a picanniny wich wuz worth $200 ez soon ez weaned, wunst a year, and by a little extra whippin do a year's work in the field every 12 months, stretched cold corpses in the field, the cotton unpicked, and his last year's gamblin debts unpaid. Thus wuz disease outragin all the finer feelins uv humanity, and destroyin relent- lessly all that made life pleasant and lovely. Finally, nigger after nigger fell, until but two remained in 196 THE DEATH SCENE. the United States. They wuz a male and female, uv sich perfectly healthy systems, that it seemed impossible for disease to tetch them. When -the epidemic wuz known to hev settled down to niggers alone, the Dimokrasy held a consultation, and fearin the race wood becum extinct, hed selected these, hed carefully secloodid em from the world, and hed employed twenty-four uv the most eminf nt medical men uv the world to be with em constantly -- each stayin an hour — that, in case they showed any symptoms, the proper remedies mite be to- wunst applied, afore the disease got a hold From these two, ef the rest wuz destroyed, it wuz hoped a new stock cood be raised, that the dangers uv negro equality mite still be kept afore the Amerikin people. But all to no purpose. The unsparin pestilence smoted em, and, notwithstandin the efforts made by the eminent physicians, notwithstandin the prayers and groans uv the Dimokrasy — they died ! Methawt the heavens wuz hung in black, and ominus litenins shot athwart the skies. In the distance, low, mutrin thunders wuz heard, and the beasts uv the forests run aiFrighted from their coverts. Dray bosses dropt dead in the streets ; dorgs run wildly, with their tongues a hangin out, and the white foam droppin from their distendid jaws. Ever and anon pale, sickly gleams uv lite flashed across the dark, leaden-colored clouds, givin nacher the appearence uv labrin under a severe attack uv yaller j .nders. The last nigger wuz deap ! Presently the leaders uv the Dimokrasy began to assemble. Fernandywood cum. " Alass ! " sez lie, sobbiu ez tho his hart wood break, and kissin the cold corpse — '■ Farewell, my hopes — a long and last farewell ! Thou wust our corner-stun; on thee we built. Thou wust our capital, our cheefest trust. We used yoo — we abused yoo— and in abusin yoo found our profit. Yoo wuz ordained to be the cuss uv Ameriky — we wuz ordained to be alluz fearful uv yoor bein our sooperior — to us wuz entrusted the delightful task uv keepin yoo down, and us over yoo. Our task is ended with thee. Kin we any more rally our people to .tiie poles, by yavvpin the dangers uv nigger THE FUNERAL ORATIOXS. 197 equality, when ther ain't no nigger ? This, now, is a white man's guvenneut — we hev nothin left to contend for, and thus I foller thee." And Fernandy, who lied found a jackknife in the nigger's vest pocket, run it into his bowels, and fell a dead corpse across his body. Franklin Peerse approached and wailed thus : — " And art thou gone, last uv the Afrikins ? Cood not the avengin ministers uv death hev taken sum other race ? Cood not the noble Injin bin taken, and thou spared to Dimokrasy ? No white man feared his supremacy. Cood not tlie Chinese hev bin sacrificed in thy stead? The people bed no prejoodis agin his color. Thou wust all that made me uv yooso, and ez thou art gone, so I go also." And takin the jackknife out uv Fernandy's hand, he stabbed hisself with it, and fell dead atop uv Fernandy. Vallandigum approached, weepin violentlj'. " Opposin thy elevation," sed he, addressin the dead nigger, " wunst made a martyr uv me, which martyrdom netted me $30,000 in ten-cent pieces, wich I immejitly invested in 7-30 bonds issued by a tyranikle and onconstooshnal guverment. By carrj'in a portrait uv thee, and exibitin it at my meetins in the rooral deestrisks, I hev made my constituencies bile with rage, at the ijee uv sich ez thou bein elevatid to their speer. Like Othello, ' my occupashun's gone.' Farewell, pollitics — thou wast my pollitics. Farewell, Congris ! — uv wat yoose is a Dimekrat in Congris with no nigger to blat about? Fare- well, life ! — for wat is life with no nigger to persekoot? " And takin the jackknife from Peerse's hand, he recklessly plunged it into his bowels, and fell across Peerse. Brite, uv Injeany ; Richardson, uv lUinoy ; Seymour, uv Noo York ; Florence, uv Pennsilvany, and all the leeders uv the party uv the North, without exception, cum up, and, makin similar orashuns, used the jackknife in like style — fallin across each other ez four-foot wood is corded. Gineral Slocum, uv Noo York, hed a good mind to do the same thing ; but he conclooded he cood turn a somerset out uv the party ez easy ez he somersetted into it, and he didn't. 198 WHAT HORACE GREELEY SAID. Filled with anguish uv the heaviest descripshun, and fully appreciatin the feelins uv the noble men who woodent survive their party, I caught the jackknife, and, throwin myself into a attitood — sich ez I hev seen Forist come, when, in Othello, he stabs hisself — I wuz on the pint uv makin it acquaintid with my intestines, when I happened to observe a quart-bottle stickin out uv the nigger's coat pocket. Droppin the knife, I seezed it, and in two gulps swallered the contents. The room spun round and round, and, eggsaustid, I fell senseless across the dead sooicides. Jest then Horis Greely entered the room. Holdin up both hands, he exclaimed, — " Ez it wuz in the beginnin, so it is in the endin. Behold Di- mokrasy ! — nigger at the bottom, whisky at the top, and a stink in the middle. We're rid uv two great cusses to-wunst ! " And, instid uv punchin his stumick with the knife, he shuffled out uv the room, holdin his nose. I awoke, in a feverish sweat, shreekin wildly. So vivid wuz the scene I hed dreamed, that I found it impossible to sleep, and all that long nite I walked the floor in agony. Wuz the dream prophetik? Is there any danger uv the nigger becomin extinct by disease ? I know amalgamashun is whitenin him in the Southern States, but up North, where Dimokrasy is skarse, we kin preserve them in all their original blackness. Hevin grant that this friteful vision wuz simply the result uv a disordered stumick, and not a warnin uv wrath to cum ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv ilie Noo Dispensashun. GENEEAL MOSHER. 199 LXXXI. MEETS A PARDONED REBEL, WHO ENLIGHTENS HIM. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) September the 21st, 1865. 5 GiNBAL Boanerges Mosher, uv Mississippy, who demon- strated his devoshun to the grate principles uv constooshnel liberty, by servin the Confedrisy as a commissary, wrote me to meet him in Washinton. He hed jest reseeved his pardon, and the fast use he made uv his privileges, wuz to cum to Washinton to meet me for consultashen on the hopes and prospects uv the Dimokrasy. Ginral Mosher is a fine specimen uv the ginooine chivelrus Sutherner. Six feet two inches in hite, he kin chaw more terbacker, spit with greater accooracy, and walk uprite under a bigger load uv strate whisky than any man I ever met. A unsofistikatid child uv nacher, he scorns the polish and sham uv wat is called civilization. Never shel I forgit the litenin- glanse uv contempt he. darted at me, when I askt him to qualify his whisky with a little water ! Ginral Mosher opened by lamentin the untimely decease uv so many Suthern voters, in the late diabolical war Linkin and his hellions made upon em. I replied, to-wunst, that that deficit cood be easily made up. " I hev," sez I, " bin a considerin this matter. At a triflin expenditoor uv money the tide uv emigrashen from Europe kin be turnd Southward, and the places uv yoor slawterd he- roes be filled with the Irishman, the German, the — " "Liar ! theef 1 murderer ! nigger-steeler ! " shoutidthe Ginral, seezin me by the throat, and brandishin his cane over me. Pallin on my knees (fbrmin a tablo, the " Union ez it wuz)," I gaspt : " Why this violence ? " " 0, nothin," replied the Ginral, relaxin his holt ; " I shel be elected to Congris, and ez I shel hev to mix with yoo Yankees, I wuz a practisin the old tactics, jist to git my hand in agin. 200 A TOUCHING EEMINISCENCE. Wuz yoo afeerd ? Bless yoor sole, we woodent kill a Northern Dimekrat for bo money — wo need em. " But," continued he, '•' this emigrashen skeem uv yoors won't work. Yer Irishman and yer German wood work, but they'd want wages ! " " Wal ! " sez I, astoundid, not seein wat he wuz drivin at. " Can't yoo see," sez he. " They'd earn money, they'd save it. Our habits is expensive, and now that nigger-breedin is done away with, we can't sell a half dozen niggers per annum, to keep up our expenses. Alas ! (tears suifused his beamin eyes, ez he spoke), the last nigger I sold wuz ez white ez yoo are ; my son Tom wuz her father, and 1 got $2500 for her in Mobeel, when she wuz sixteen. I sold her to the President uv the Suthern Society for the convershun uv the heathen. I knockt a hundred off the price uv the gal, on that account. But to resoom. The furriner works, and saves suthin. We won't woik, can't sell no more niggers, and git hard up, and hev to sell land to furriners. Then, he's OUR EKAL ! and wat becomes uv the anshent chivelry ? " " But," sez I, " yoo hed the poor whites among yoo afore the war. What wuss wood a furriner be ? " " Them poor whites wuz a peculiar class ; we kep em coz we hed to hev em to vote. We allowd em to squat on our lands, never let em learn to read, and kep ther skins full uv cheap whisky. When wun uv em got to know too much, we either killed him or sent him North, keepin among us jest sich-€z we wantid. With our poor whites doin our votin at home, yoo Dimekrats doin it up North, and the niggers doin our labor, trooly we wuz a favord peeple." " But who are yoo goin to git to do yoor labor ? " " The nigger." " But yoo'll hev to pay bira wages ! " " Not much. The Northern Legislachers are a passin laws agin their comin there, so they can't git away from us, and jest ez soon ez the thrice-accursed hirelin soljers are withdrawd, our laws is in force, and then wat good is a nigger's contract to him ? Methinks the cuss uv Canan is still onto him, Linkin to the contrary notwithstandin. I shel be kind to mine I shel pay the able-bodied field-hands $4 per month, mechanics say $6. Uv coarse, ef furriners kin compete with em, and THE CHILD OF PIOUS PARENTS. 201 work for less, we'll take em, pervided they'll be ez umble. The nigger wuz made to be a slave. God cust Canan, and Red he shood be a servant forever. Did he mean us to pay him wages ? Not any ; for ef he had, he wood hev ordered our tastes and habits so ez we shood hev hed the wherewithal to do it. " Nasby," sed he, a pausin to drain the bottle, and rollin his eyes upwards, '•' I am the child uv pious parents, and never, no, never, will I depart from their faith. God oust the nigger, and I will do my part, manfully, toward carryin out His will. Watever betides us, the sons uv Ham must be the servants uv the sons uv Japheth, and their daughters likewise, that the Skripter shel be fulfilled." I parted with that great and good man, my mind full uv the nearly white gals he owned, and determined, ere long, to be assistin uv him in fulfillin that part uv the Skripter. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Cliurch uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXXII. ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) September the 23d, 1865. ) The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv delusions. A lie, well started, vigerously stuck to, and energetically pushed, ansers jest ez well ez the trooth, and will live a long time. I hev lived in this world uv decepshun long enuff to diskiver that there is a huge difi'renoe betwixt the real and- the ideal. The war with the Rebellion gave Northern men an opportunity to rid them- selves of a great many popular delusions in regard to the " chivalry," "hospi- tality," and " courtesy " of the slaveholding gentry. The visits made by our " boys in blue " dispelled many illusions created by the boasts of Southerners, and the letters of sentimental tourists, who felt compelled to write in the popular vein in order to find readers, and have their views credited. 202 THE EFFECT OF NOVEL READING. For instance. In my youth I wuz given to readin Cooper's novels, until, becomin infatuated with his descriptions uv the Injin stile uv livin, and the granjer uv the Injin charakter, I determined to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined myself a noble red man uv the forest, a chasin the wild deer all the day thro the leafy wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in a leafy bower, never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I'd ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible consekences uv a purely animal diet upon my uneducatid bowils. Filled with these ijees, 1 made my way to the nearest reser- vation, and the first noble red man uv the forest I saw, wuz asleep under a tree, with a bottle beside him. I awakened him, and addressed him in the language uv the novels, wich I sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus : — '' Why slumbereth the chief uv the Pocasokes ? and why are not his feet upon the war-path? The skelp uv his father hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh, and his death is un- avenged ! Awake ! " The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow, took a long pull at his bottle, ejackulatin, — " Ugh ! go away. White man dam fool — gimme dime — buy Injin more rum ! " and sank back into his inebriated slumber. Hevin seen the ginuine Injin ez he exists out uv the novels, I did not jine that tribe. I used to bleeve in Southern chivelry. Likewise did I bleeve in Robinson Crusoe, the malstrom, and Jackson's cotton- bales ; but, ez I afterwards diskivered, there wuz no reality in these, so I wuz prepared to bleeve the chivelry uv the South wuz a good part bottled moonshine. Wunst, to me, the Southerner wuz a compound uv George IV., Chevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and Longfellow, possessin the deportment uv the fust, the high-grade chivelry and manly physikle perfecshun uv the second, the learnin uv the third, and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed he wood introdoose his knife into the bowels uv his enemy with the fearlessness and dexterity uv Bayard, apologize with ttie calm grace uv George, and write his obitchuary like Longfellow, in the style uv Hiawatha, THE REAL SOUTHERNER. 203 I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his common bever- age the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed from the most costly goblets ; that money with him wuz a matter uv no account ; that his time wuz divided between his country, his books, and manly out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz a cross between Achilles and Wellington, I givin him the credit uv hevin the dash uv the one, the steadiness nv tother, and the heroism uv both. Sich wuz my ijee uv the Southern gentleman. Wood, wood that this pleasin delusion hed never bin dissipated ! It's the nacher uv the Northern Dimekrat to look up to sumbody, and I didn't like the ijee uv hevin my idol dismountid. I avuz down South doorin the war, hevin served sevral months in the Louisiana Pelicans, a Confedrit regiment, made up uv the fust families uv that State. I found that I hed bin labrin under a delusion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a while, where yoo are supposed to find the highest type uv Southern chivelry. On a average the Virginian is as mizable a cuss ez ther is on earth. His manshun is a shamblin cabin ; his rosy wine is a style uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly mean that it wood be rejected with inexpressible scorn by the most reckless and abandoned squaw ; his costly goblet is a stun jug with a cob stopper, and his highest ijee uv amoosement is quarter races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed, peak- nosed, he approaches the appearance uv the Northerner about ez closely ez a ring-tailed baboon resembles Powers' Greek Slave. In war he haint no better than in peace. He fites well enuff when put to it, but he haint no endurence. Ef he don't win from the start, his game is up. And the less he intends to do, the more he blows afore he commences. His endless blowin about his fitin capacity and resources, afore the war, wuz wat roped us Northern Dimekrats into it, and indoost us to stake our politikle fucher on their success. Alass ! we wuz fooled in em, and we go down with em. I never want to hear a word agin about Southern chivelry, We hev got to git em back agin, for alone we kin do nothin, and I spose when we hev em back, we'll hev to knuckle to em jist ez we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft uv the 204 THE DIVERSITY OP THE RACES. party ; but we'll do it this time for policy, while before we did it from sheer belief in their sooperiority over us, I'd be well satisfied ef we cood git along, ez a party, without em. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Pcister uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXXIII. ON THE DIVERSITY OP THE RACES. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), September the 24tli, 1865. Whenever yoo ask the people to adopt any given line uv ackshen. yoo hev got to give em a tollable good reason therefor. Troo, this never hez bin so necessary in the Dimekratik partj', whose members hez alluz follered their leaders, without askin the why or wherefor, with a fidelity beautiful to behold. But people, ginerally, are inquisitive, and wun reason why we hev never succeeded with the slavery question, is becoz we never hev yet given a good reason why the nigger shood be held in slavery. Wunst it wuz sought to be defended on the ground that the nigger wuz inferior to the white man, but it woodent do. Why ? Becoz the full-blown Dimekrat thot to hisself to-wunst, " Bf the stronger shel own the weaker — ef the intellectooally Rooperior shel hold in slavery the intellectooally inferior, Lord HELP MB ! Why, 1 might ez well go into a Ablishn township and select my master to-wunst." The same argument won't do ez to nigger equality. Why shood we say that the nigger shan't vote, on the score uv his not bein fitted by educashen or intelligence, when the fust and chiefest qualificashen uv a strate Dimekrat is his not knowin how to read ? Why, to-day, in my county, ef a Dimekrat kin rite his name without runnin his tongue out, we alluz refuse to elect him a delegate in the county convenshun. It exposes him to the suspishun uv knowin too much. AN ETHNOLOGICAL POINT, 205 I hev quit all these shaller dodges, long ago. We must hev the nigger, for jest at this time there ain't no other capital for us to run on ; but he must be put on maintainable ground. 1 put my foot on him, on the ground uv the diversity uv the RACES ! He is not wun uv us. He is not a descendant uv Adam. Goddlemity probably made him, ez he did the ox, and the ass, and the dorg, and the babboon, but not at the same time, nor for the same purposes. He is not, in any sence uv the word, a man ! His color is different, the size uv his head is different, his foot is longer, and his hand is bigger. He wuz created a beast, and the fiat uv the Almity give us dominion over him, the same ez over other beasts. Does the theologian say that this doctrine undermines the Christian religion ? I to-wunst reply, that that don't matter to us. Dimokrasy and religion shook hands and bid each other a affecshunate farewell, years ago. Uv what comparison is religion to a Dimekratik triumph ? Doth the ethnologist say that the difference atween the Caucassian and Afrikin is no greater than atween the Caucas- sian and Mongolian ? I anser to-wunst that he is ritfe — that the Mongolian is likewise a beast ; becoz, don't yoo see, there ain't no Mongolians in this secshun uv country to disprove it. Doth the Ablishnist pint to a nigger who kin read and rite, and figure through to division, and in sich other partikulers show hisself sooperior to the majority uv Dimekrats ? I alluz draw myself up to my full hite, assoom a virchusly indignant look, and exclaim, " He's nuthin but a d — d nigger, anyhow ! " wich is the only effective argument we hev hed for ten years. Doth the besotted nigger-lover pint to the mulatto, and say, " What will yoo do with him, who is half beast and half man, who hez half a sole that is to be saved — for one half uv whom Christ died ? " I anser at wunst, that I don't deal in abstrac- shuns, and git out ez soon ez possible, for there is a weak pint there, that I hevent ez yit bin able to git over. This wun weak pint is no argument agin my theory, for happy is the Dimekrat who kin propound a theory that hezent a score, instid uv wun, weak places in it. This doctrine kivers the whole ground. Ef the nigger is a beast, Dimekrats hev a good excuse for not givin to mishnary 206 A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL. societies, for uv what use is it to undertake to Christianize beasts, who hev no soles to save and fit em for the skies ? It gives us a perfect rite to re-establish slavery, for doth not Blackstun, who wuz supposed to know ez much law ez a Noo Jersey justis uv the peace, say that we hev a rite to ketch and tame the wild beast, and bend him to our uses? Also, he can't vote ; for wood the lowest white man consent to vote alongside uv a beast, even ef he did walk on two legs ? Not any. Let this doctrine be vigorusly preachd, and I hev no doubt suthin will result from it. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXXIV. HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), September the 30th, 1865. \ NiTE afore last, I wuz at a gatherin uv the faithfial, in the next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz a comin back on the nite train uv the Camden and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory uv Noo Jersey. I wuz somewat elevatid, hevin bed a need uv inspirin flooids, there bein two or three returned soljers in the meetin, who kept a provokin me with irrelevant and irritatin remarks, sich ez pullin me off the stand, and pintin revolvers at me. When the conductor cum around, I told him that I wuz a humble worker in the great field uv Dimekratik reform, and wuz, uv coarse, without funds, and that I expected to be passed to my home, free ! The poor man wuz thunder-struck ! Stag- gerin aginst the side uv the car, pale ez a ghost, and speechless, he beckoned to a brakesman, and pinted me out. In a instant I wuz seized and bundled out uv the car. The next mornin I saw the incident noticed in the daily papers, under the follerin hed lines : — TOE devil's feaes. 207 " THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BEAKIN AWAY ! " — " NOO JER- SEY IN DANGER ! " — "A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DEAD-HEDED OVER THE CAMDEN AND AMBOY ! " — " PROMPT AND HEROIC AC- TION UT A CONDUCTOR ! " How long I lay alongside uv the track I know not ; but when conshusnis returned, I saw, settin on the fence, the figure' uv Satan hisself. " Avant ! " cried I. " Why comest thou to torment me afore my time ? " " Don't skeer," sez he ; "I don't want yoo yet. Remember tlie old man's remark: 'Why shood men club apples off uv trees, when, ef they let em alone, they will fall off themselves ? ' I woodent take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez yoo. I often take a toor thro Jersey. It's my best harvest-field. I'm pleisurin now." Reassured, I asked the old gentleman some questions as to what kind uv biznis he wuz a doin these times, et settry. He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern States hed bin his grate field uv labor, and when they rebelled agin the guverment he thot he hed dead wood on them localities. His soul expanded with joy ez he saw the Churches South plunge into the seceshn biznis, and their preachers throw off the sacerdotle robes and put on butternut uniform. They never hed much religion down there, anyhow ; but when they went into seceshn, they threw away that little. " Ez Linkin's hellions advanced," he sed, " my soul shrunk — only occasionally wuz I elevatid ez yoo Copperheds riz in the North. Finally, when Lee and Johnson surrendered, I give up all hopes. That, I thot, settled the question. The niggers will be emancipated and I'll lose them, for they'll learn to read, and they'll di.skiver that virchoo is the best road to travel. Also — " " Hold ! " sez I ; " do niggers go to hell ? " " Uv course, when they die in their sins," sez he. " Farewell, hope ! " exclaims I, in agony, " for all is lost ! At the last end the entire Dimokrasy will be on a equality with the nigger, and will hev to mix with em." 208 AND HIS HOPES. " Also," sez he, a goin on, " I wuz satisfied I shood lose the whites South, tor when they can't live on nigger labor, and hev to go to work, they won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They won't hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per conse- quence, one uv the commandments will be better observed. So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded that the Almity had taken that part uv the country out uv my hands." " How, then," sez I, " is it that yoo feel so well to-night? " " For two reasons," sez he. " I alluz feel at home in Noo Jersey ; and besides that, things don't look so bad after all. You folks up North are doin things to soot me, and so they are South. Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when sich men ez now controle the South, are in power? Them Suth- erners are men I like. Guvner Perry talks uv ' Radikle Republikins,' wich shows he's bound to make head agin the only enemies I ever hed in the North. The nigger is free, but only in name. That blessid doctrin uv Stait Bites allows each wun uv the States to oppress jist which class they please, and ez the Nortii will certainly pass all sorts uv laws agin their escapin in that direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz between the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five dollars a month they will agree to pay him, but that he'll never git. Then foUers stealins, and. stabbins, and shootins, and hangins, and arsons, and insurrections [here he rubbed his hands], and more sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South gets strong agin, and they and yoo, united, make a majority in Con- gris, won't them Yankees git? Won't we (I speak uv yoo Northern Dimekrats and the South and me, wich hez alluz bin pardners) make the North pay the Suthern war debt ? Won't we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it over all the territories, and finally over all the Northern Staits, makin it universal ? I rather think so. Ef the North refuses, then agin, yoo and the South and I will make another war, and that time we'll succeed, for we'll know how, better, and the guverment overthrowd, we'll fix it jist ez we want it. And then — " At this pint he threw his left arm about my neck in a extasy uv irrepressible love. It scorched ez tho a hot bar uv iron hed bin twisted around me, and, shreekin with agony — I awoke. ANOTHER APPEAL. 209 It wuz only a dream, and I found myself a lyin in the identi- kle ditch into wich I bed fallen when the conductor threw me off the trane., I coed not help wondrin at the correctnis with wich my visitor guessed the purposes uv our party. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — h;^ — LXXXV. APPEAL TO THE DEMOCRACY. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), October the 4th, 1865. DiMEKRATS UV the North ! Yoo hev to decide whether the old party, which hez alluz delited in managin the affairs uv this guvernment, is to agin assoom its nateral position, or whether it is doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz. Ez the bed uv the party I issue this appeal. The time for ai'gumeut bez passed — all that now remains is ackshen ! ackshen ! I ackshen ! ! ! Never before wuz there sich need uv work — never wuz there so much at stake. Look around 3^00, fellow-Dimekrats ! See ! Uv all the States North, only Noo Jersej' remains troo to her anshent prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishnism are a sweepin over the land, unchecked, save by Noo Jersey. There, thank God. the ark uv the covnant rests. There the vestal fires burn brightly. Noo Jersey hez the Dimokrasy she alluz bed — she changes not. Ever since the year before the Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. No matter wat issues wuz presented — no matter on wich side uv sed issues the Dimokrasy planted themselves, Noo Jersey alluz voted that ticket. Sich confidin trust in the leaders, sich Roman simplicity, is refreshin. Wood, wood that we bed more Noo Jerseys ! This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded theirselves in liber- 14 210 A VARIETY OF PLATFORMS. ality to the people. Never wuz there sich a assortment uv principles to choose from. In Noo York, we hev on the track a Ginral, who sheathed his sword in the hearts uv his Suthern brethrin, and him we stood on a platform wich recognizes tho death uv slavery, and feels good over it, and wich goes for payin the debt, intrest, principle, and all. In Noo Jersey we hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from Bull Run, becoz he didn't approve uv the principles on wich the war wuz bein conducted, on a platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our platform wuz made by the great Vallandigum, and in it is the pure expressed juice uv Dimokrasy. The great doctrine uv State Rites is avowed, and the rite uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld. Here is diversity — here is pickin. Each Dimekrat kin pick wich set uv principles he desires, and the cheerman uv his central committy will cheerfully certify that that set will be made universal, ez soon ez a Nashnel Convenshun convenes. Look at what interests are at stake. Do yoo want to marry nigger wenches ? Do yoo want yoor gushin daughters tied by indissoluble ties to disgustin buck niggers ? We hev persist- ently petitioned Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin us from doin this foul thing, but to no avale. They hev turned a deaf ear to our entreaties, and to-day we stand exposed to all these dangers. Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the poles with yoo to vote ? Do yoo want their children mixt with yoors in schools 1 Do yoo want em on juries and holdin offis in yoor township? My God! think uv it! Think uv yoor bein brot up on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steelin sheep or chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peace ! Think uvyoor bein sued for a store bill that hed run ten years, afore a nigger squire ! In the towns and cities, think uv bein arrested for bein drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned in the mornin before a nigger maj'or ! Contemplate these picters without a shudder, ef yoo kin. These questions must be met. They stare us in the face. On yoo depends the issue. The nigger is our natral enemy. A (■ollcction of Democratic State platforms of 1865 would make an amusing volume. No two were alike, save in denunciation of the negro. rally! rally! rally! 211 Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him the suffrage, ou the ground that in a little while we wood git his votes, on the principle that we ketch all the trash naturally. My frends, be not deseeved. We hev abused the nigger so long and so persistently, that it wood take ages afore we cood git him suJBfi- shently demoralized to act with us. and afore that time we wood all be in the silent grave, where pollitics is uv no account. On the question \\v taxes, and reconstruction, and sich, I refer yoo to the platforms adopted by yoor various State Con- venshuns ; yoo may depend upon each bein perfeckly sound. On these minor questions there may be difference uv opinion in localities ; but, thank Heaven, on nigger there is unanimity. " Nigger and him prostrated," is the rallyin cry uv the Di- mokrasy. North, South, East, and West. I bleeve, in the above, I hev given a full epitome uv the principles uv the party. We hev a terrible fite afore us, and it behooves every Dimekrat to buckle on his armor to-wunst. Noo Jersey may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we hev, hev gone so far into spellin-books and grammars, that their talk is all Greek to our voters, and so they are safe from their contaminatin appeals. She expects every State to do its dooty. She is lonesome, and wants company. She stretches out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez, in winnin tones, " Jine me ! " Will yoo not do it ? Shel she appeal in vane ? Forbid it, Hevin! Rally! Rally! Rally! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Diapensashun. 212 AN INTERRUPTED SPEECH. LXXXVI. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait u v Noo Jersey) , Outober the 11th, 1865. Ohio, Ablishn ! Peniisylvany, Ablishn ! Noo Jersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approachin there- unto. Sich is the encouragin news I read in the newspapers this mornin ! Sich is the result uv labors Herculiap, in the above- named States. What do the people mean ? The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo York ; but of what consolation is that to nie ? The two parties, the old, anshent Dimokrasy and the Ablishn, run a race into the realms uv Radikalism, and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length. With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his anti-slavery notions, his Suthern oppression notions, his hangin uv Mrs. Surratt, et settry, and on that platform a soljer who never votid a Dimekratik ticket in his life, who went into the war a Radikle Ablishnist and who kum out a Radikle Ablishnist, I don't know that I hev much to choose atween em. Last week I wuz invited into a county in Noo York, to ad- dress a Dimekratik meetin. I accepted (ez my expenses were paid, wich is cheeper and better boardin than 1 get at the groceries to home), and accordinly 1 went. I commenst de- liverin the speech I hed used all over Noo Jersey. I com- menst abusin the nigger, when the cheerman interrupted me. " Well," sez I, " wat is it ? " rather angrily, for when I git warmed up and a sweatin, I don't like to be interruptid. " Why," sed he, " our constooshn allows a nigger who hez $250 to vote, and most uv em hev that sum, and we make it a pint to sekoor em." " They're a d— d site better off than most uv us white Dime- krats in Noo Jersey, retortid I, a droppin the nigger and goin on agin President Jolinson. "Stop," whispered the cheerman; "our platform indorses President Johnson." AND A SUDDEN ENDING. 213 " Thunder ! " remarked I, droppin President Johnson, and slidin easily into a viggerus denunciation uv the war. "Good God!" sez the cheerman, "stop! Our -platform in- dorses the war." I sed nothin this time, but commenst deuouncin the debt. " Hold ! ■' sed the cheerman ; " easy — our platform backs up the debt." " Well, then," sed I, in a rage, " why in blazes didn't yoo send me a copy of yoor platform when yoo wantid me to address yoo ? Go to thunder, and make yoor own speeches ; " and 1 stalked off the platform. Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all over the North. Now yoo hev to hev a diffrent wun for every Htate, wich makes it impossible for me to travel, for wun effort per season is enuff for me. But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and beat badly — beat on issues uv our own makin — beat with taxes, bonds, war debt, and nigger equality all in our favor. Don't say to me that we redoost their majorities. What difference does it make to a defeatid candidate, whether the majority agin him is one thousand or one hundred ? A needle will kill a man ez effect- ually ez a broadsword, ef it's stuck in the right place. So a majority uv wun is enuff. I hev known men to hold orfises four years, and hev good appetites, on a majority uv one. It's the orfises we wuz a goin for — it's them our patriots wanted, and it's no consolation to them to say they missed by a small majority! It's holler mockery — the same ez tho you'd show a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest inside uv iron bars — his fingers are not a inch from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick is concerned, it mite ez well be across the boundless ocean. We may recover from this backset, but I hev my fears. The people is ez stupid ez ever, and our leaders is ez acoot ez ever ; but, alas ! the iact that we hev failed in everything we hev undertook, for four years, is gettin tliro the hair uv thousands, and they look askaut at us. Be it ez it may, it makes but little difference to me. A few years, and I shel go hence. Ef the Bible is troo, I shel go where I will find a heavy Dimekratik majority, shoor ; ef it is not, and there is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shel be on a level with the best. %- 214 A TERHIBLE BLOW. " So, let the wide world wag ez it will," I'll keep on the even tenor uv my way, takin my nips ez often ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez more money than dis- creshun. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — ^>c^ — LXXXVII. AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION, 1865. Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), ) Novemher 9, 1865. \ Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind ez last night. All wuz peace with me, for after beiu buffeted about the world for three skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor. I hed a solemn promise from the Dimekratic State Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Jersey, that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shoodliev the position uv Doorkeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this State means the Capital, and wich is certainly better than dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a jpodishus exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities for borrerin, wich I improved. On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleasin reflection that in a few days I should be placed above want and beyond the contingencies uv fortune. Wood ! oh, wood ! that I hed died then and there, before that dream uv bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy come runnin past with a paper which he hed brot from the next town where there lives a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to The carrying of New Jersey by the Republicans in 1865 was a severe blow to the Democracy. It was about the last of their strongholds. A SAD SOXG. 215 me and passed on. I opened it eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines ! " Noo Jersey — 5,000 Republikin ! " One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and wen the inmates rushed into the room they found me inanimate on the floor. The fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a hurried consultation with his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to ; he insisting that it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz owin them — she insistin ef I wuz brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger and bigger, and never pay at last. While they wuz argooin the matter, pro and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me to consciousness to-wnnst, without further assistance. When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song. Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and blighted hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev sich a pick of subjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv the North who hev gone so far into Copperheadism that they can't change their base : — A Wale! In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength — in the evenin we are bustid and wilt ! Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, and them is so full uv trouble that it's scarcely worth while bein born at all. In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters uv afllickshun are about my chin. I look to the East, and Massachoosets rolls in Ablishn. To the West I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and Illinoy ansers — Ablishn. Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends greetin — Ablishn. In New York we had em, for lo I we run a soljer, who fought 216 HORRIBLE VISIONS. valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wich stunk witli nig- ger — yea, the savor thereof wuz louder than the Ablishn plat- form itself But behold ! the people jeer and flout, and say " The platform stinketh loud enough, but the smell thereof is not the smell uv the Afrikin — it is of the rotten material uv vsrich it is com- posed, and the coriupshun tbey hev placed upon it," — and New York goes Ablishun. Slocum held hisself up, and sed, " Come and buy." And our folks bought him and his tribe, but he getteth not his price. Noo Jersey — Ablishun ! ! Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain, and holler horn, and sich, and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood not sell. But Job hed suthin left — still cood he sell the hides and tallow ! Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them. Noo Jersey wuz the hide and tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo ! that is gone. What little is left uv the Dimocris}^ is all sore, but where is the dorg so low ez to lick it ? Noo Jersey wuz our ewe lamb — lo ! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez taken it. Noo Jersey wuz the Aryrat on which our ark rfested — be- hold ! the dark waves uv Ablishnism hev swept over it ! Darkness falls over me like a pall — the shadder uv woe encompasseth me. Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyin in size from a large pea to a small tater. Noo Jersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and lo ! the Nigger will possess the land. I see horrid visions ! On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen I and at the polls, niggers ! Where shall we find refuge ? In the North ? Lo ! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism. In the South? In their eyes the Northern Copperhead findeth no favor. IN WASHINGTON. 217 In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted. Who will deliver us ? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich we hev fallen ? Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is, South Carliny will be my future home. Wade Hampton is elected Governor, certin, and in that noble State, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites to leaven the whole lump. " I'm aflote — I'm aflote On the darkroUin sea." And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark, the undersigned can not trooly saj'. Noo Jersey — farewell ! The world may stand it a year or two, but I doubt it. Mournfiy and sadly. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXXVIII. A CONVERSATION WITH GENERAL McSTINGER, OF THE STATE OP GEORGIA, WHICH IS INTERRUPT- ED BY A SUBJUGATED REBEL. Washington, D. C, November 18, 1865. Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin the heft uv my time in Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Sumner ; here it wuz that Calhoon, and Yance}', and Breckinridge achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to dodge a board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many Congress- The McStingers of tlie South (and there were thousands of them) really supposed that they would be permitted to take their old places in the govern- ment, and have the same control they had previous to secession. 218 THE OFFENDED CHIVALEY. men here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for one two thirds uv the time. Yisterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the same bizness most uv the Southern men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the nominashen for Congress in his deestrick. Tbe Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed, and he wuz afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent from the United States suthin over four yeers, wich time he hed spent in the Southern Confederacy. When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see ? The power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, a ex-tailor President, — a state uv aifairs disgustin in the extreme to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He had accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself constrained to put hisself into position to go to Congress, that the country might be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go to Congress, and then he shood ask the despots who now hev control, whether, — - 1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin con- dishns ? 2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Conven- shuns uv sovereign States ? " Why," sez he, " but a few days ago this boor hed the ashoorence to write to the Georgy Convenshun that it ' mitst not ' — mark the term — ' must not assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to say ' nmst not ' to chivelrus Georgy ? Good God ! — -where are we driftinV For one, I never will be consilliated on them terms — never ! I never wuz used to that style uv talk in Dimekratic conveushuns. " Ez soon ez I take my seat in Congris," resoomed he, " I shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surren- dered, so ez to hev it ready, in which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit : — " That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered that they love the old Union above anything on earth. But, AN INTERRUPTION. 219 " The North must meet us half way, or we won't/be answer- able for the consekeuces. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shel insiVt on the follerin condishens : — " The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and inter- est, or ef paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise — ez a peece offerin. The doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme law uv the land, that the South may withdraw whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Massachoosetts. Uv course this is a olive branch. " Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sum- ner hung, ez proof that the North is really concilliatory. On this point I am inflexible, and on the others immovable." An old man who hed bin listenin to our talk, murmured that there wuz a parallel to this last proposishen. " Where? " demanded the Genral. " The Jews, I remember," replied he, " demanded that Barabbas be released unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but I forgit jist how it wuz." The Ginral withered him with a litenin glance, and re- soomed : — " I shel, uv course, ofier the North suthin in the way uv compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin Guvernment is compermise. On our part we pledge ourselves to cjome back, and give the North the benefit uv our comin back, so long ez Massachoosetts conducts herself accordin to our ijees uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected, all I hev to say then is, I shel resign, and the Government may sink without wun effort from me to save it." I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man, who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin : — " My name," sed he, " is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I want to say a word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the ' wun from Noo Jersey." " How," retorted I, " do yoo know I'm from Noo Jersey, not hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin ? " " By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it down heavy to a indivijooel whose physiognamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a face that wood be dangerous 220 WHAT MR. MAGINNIS HAD TO SAY. ef it had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be a Northern Copperhead. The Noo Jersey part I guessed at, becoz, my friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv Copperheads of any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to say wuz, that I spose suthin hez happened doorin the past four years. 1 was a original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz doin well with em. But, unforchu- nitly, my brother died, and left me ez much more land, but no niggers. 1 wanted niggers enuff to work that land, and sposed ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hence I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev secesht, but I did. I went out for wool and cum back shorn. I seceshed with 100 niggers to git 200, and alas ! 1 find myself back into the old government, with nary a nigger. " But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo old ass," sed he, addressin Genral McStinger, " yoo ^alk uv wat yoo will do, and what yoo won't. Heven't yoo diskivered that yoo are whipped ? Heven't yoo found out that yoo are sub- joogated? Are yoo back into the Union uv yoor own free will and akkord? Heven't yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit, which dockyment is all that saves j'oor neck from stretchin hemp ? Why do yoo talk uv wat South Carliny will and wont do? Good Lqrd ! I recollect about a year since South Carliny wood never permit her soil to be pollutid by Yankee hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, and skacely a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed State, wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihila- tion, and sich, wuz the first to git down on her marrow bones, and beg for peace like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin the North, beleeve me when 1 say that the North ain't so easy skared ez it wuz. ]^f it's intendid for home consumption, consider me the people." I've heard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. It makes me sick. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the best we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and ain't goin to pay the Confederit debt. Davis will be hung, and serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery is abolished, HIS ADVICE. 221 and with it chivelry ; and it's my opinion the South is a d — d sight better off without either of em. I kin sware, now, after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag four years, that I love it ! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket. I hev a middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the family when at prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time. I hev diskivered that it's a good thing to live under, and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will and won't do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses, go home ! Yoo, South, and pullin orf yoor coat, go to work, thankin God that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all, insted uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense uv the North hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin our- selves by makin sich ez yoo our niggers. Avaunt ! " And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated, strode out uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, and we didn't resoom with the ease and freedom we commenced with, and in a few minutes we parted. I didn't like him. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. LXXXIX. A REMARKABLE DREAM. — A COUNTRY SETTLED EXCLUSIVELY BY DEMOCRATS'. Washington, December ], 1866. Last nite T wuz the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit this explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second Saint John. Ef so, I make no doubt my revelations, will be uv a remarkably startlin character. Methawt the Abiishnists had asserted the power we dis- kivered they possest, after the Lte elecshuns, and had gone ihe whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen 222 THE DEMOCRATIC EXODUS. .nv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv course the educated and refined Democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no Democratic offis- seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a nigger, unless he pays for it. therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool, — where there Avas no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez, — " Now is our hen-roosts safe ! " " Canada on its way to Mexico ! " " Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate ! " Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day. On our arrival to Mexico, the natives uv that country, struck probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily gathered up their Hnen, and silver spoons, and bosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a compliment, to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained. Finally we reached a plain, "where we decided to remain, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guverment. Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv Noo York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath adminis- tered to him, wich wuz to be dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late state uv Noo Jersey, which hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a Bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin out, " Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv any oath he takes ? " So he wuz declared President. Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize the military. He NUMBERING THE HOST. 223 requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the United States to step foreid three paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, and Slocum stept forerd, and with em some 4000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commis- sions, and whose accounts, -'just afore the battle, mother," didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors de- sired to see em in the front, and who consekently considered it a d — d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how. Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all them who hed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he unlisted, who ansered ez follows : — " At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1000 ; and at Phila- delphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700 ; and at Pittsburg, April 16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincinnati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400 ; and at — " " Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv, em any questions. Reniarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a chui-ch, he desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. Twenty-one stept out and desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full connection with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Sy- nods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and silenced .em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but — The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step out. About one half ansered, and then he re- questid sich uv this number ez cood be prevailed upon to accept a small oflBce, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz nothin fair about that arrangement. They never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out. 224 MURMUEINGS AND DISCONTENT. Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher time. The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President requested them ez preferred to toiler mechanikle employments to step out : Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin : About fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries : There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety- eight per cent, uv all — ceptin the officers and preachers — sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. " Good Lord ! " whispered they ; " we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent, and the officers and preachers ! " The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother about a division. Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "0, for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off" my Ablishn nabers." " There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we bed the majority, they paid taxes, which ive spent ! " '• Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to hev enough uv em to tax ! " and ez wun man, they resolved to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin itp awoke me. There is'onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev sighed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sum- times, when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us. I don't think I shood lik^ to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. AT ANCHOB. 225 xc. A CHANGE OF BASE — KENTUCKY. — A SEEMON WHICH WAS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED AND SUBDUED CONFEDERATE. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wieh is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ) December 9, 1865. ) Here in the great State uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth, who hez a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to foreclose. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I love it for its memories. There stands the Capitol where the President makes his appintments ; there is the Post Offis De- partment, wliere all the Postmasters is appinted. There it wuz that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respect for Jaxon. I can't say I loved him, for he never used us rite. He hated tiie Whigs ez bad ez we did, but after we Beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins'didn't come in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an ap- plicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a critic's eye. " Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me ? " sez I, in- quirinly. " Certioly," sez he ; " I kin and alluz hev. It's sich ez yoo I use to beat the Whig^ with, and I am continually astonished to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the door, " when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be boirght up, 1 really tremble for the Republic." I didn't get the office I wanted. Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and tlie pavements are harder, and Vvorse to sleep on, than those uv any other city in the United Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that 15 226 A STUPID BL0NDER. persuasion here to personate. 1 hed gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the Senate. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. " Put it down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand. ■ " Yoor name ? '' sez he. Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner ? " Here I overdid it ; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped herself. Hed I sed •' Saulsbury," it mite hev ansered, but to give Sum- ner's name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I can't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is ciieap, but I don't want em on them terms ; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. ■ I found here a church buildin, uv which the congregation had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and an- nouncin myself az a constooshnel preacher from Noo Jersey, succeeded in drawin together a highly "respectable awjence last Sunday. Takin for a text the passage, " The wages uv sin is death," I opened out ez follows : — " Wat is 'sin ? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen. from yer normal condishn. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work it's been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two more than his usual allowance, more than his stumick absolootly demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is sin, and the ache is the pena;lty. " The wages uv sin is death ! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man — one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is to come around — ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a orna- ment, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz electid, and the sceptre departed from Israel. When — " l)u vuu KNOW (.'iiAi;r,ES SiiMNEi! / Pagc 220. ANOTHER SERMONIZER. 227 At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which must be sed, aiid ef" I interrupted him till he got through he'd punch my hed ; whereupon 1 let him go on. " Trooly," sez he, " the wages uv sin is death. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better. Jaxson wuz a honist man, who knew that righteousnis wuz the nashen's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tup- peimy politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his old clotjjes, aiid undertook to run the party. Bfthe Dimocrac}' coodThev elected a honest man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alass ! Jaxson .,-'Wuz the last uv that style we lied, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv them. " The fust installment uv death we reseeved wuz when Har- rison beat us. The old pollitishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, ' The Treasury woodent hev bin wuth much to us anyhow after the suckin it has experienced for twelve years ; it needs four years uv rest.' We elected Polk, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent com- pacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blood. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blood wich wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever since prove the trooth uv the text, ' The wages uv sin is death ' ? 0, my friends ! in wat heavy instalments, and how regularly, hev these wages bin paid us. " Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortun- ately died too soon, and skores uv others followed soot. Things went on until Pierce wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a scatterin ensood. " Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work uv death went on. Bookannon wuz elected, 228 A DISAGREEABLE CONCLUSION. but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse bed run tbe machine four yeers, wat wuz there left '? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin foUered, and the old party wicb wunst boasted a Jaxson hed got down to a, Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. ' The wages uv sin is death,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to rebel ; he indoosed the other Demo- cratic States to foller ; he forced the Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan^ all left us, and wun by wun, the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Jersey alone, and last fall, my brethren, she sot in gloom. " 0, how true it is ! We served sin iaithiuUy, and where are we ? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacj-, and the confederacy is dead. We fit- for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they'hev stunk, her to death. " Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Ken- tucky ? We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are tlaken from us with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us in poUitics hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrords through the Stait ; my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my prop- erty is Confodrit money, which is a ver}' dead article uv death. 1 know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm done." Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I coodn't go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedicksliun, hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced men aint present. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. THE DARK DEED. 229 XCI. THE EFFECT THE PROCLAMATION OF SECRETARY SEWARD PRODUCED IN KENTUCKY. CoNFEDKiT X Roads ^wich is in tlie Stait uv Kentucky), > DeeembBr 20, l«6o. \ At last ! The deed is done ! Tlie tyranikle government which hez sway at Washington hez finally extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, b^' aboli&hin slavery ! The sun didn't go down in gloom that nite — the stars didn't fade into a sickly ypller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz consid- ably astonished. I got the news at the Post OflSs, near wich I am at^ present staj'in, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for board. Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the intelligence that three fourths uv the States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment — that Seward had ishued his procla- mation, and that all the Niggers wuz free ! Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance — never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart rend in. " Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wi-ingin his hands. " John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin on. " It took posseshun uv Seward, and throijgh bis ugly mouth it spoke the words ' the nigger is free,' and there is no more a slave in all the land. " Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and Up to the issuing of the Pi-oclamation of Senretary Seward the majority of the planters of the South expected to he allowed to hold their slaves. They could not be made to believe that this "outrage" would be inflicted upon them. 230 THE WAIL OF THE PATRIARCH. healthy, and the wenches wjiz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon. " They worked in my house, and my fields, from the risin uv the sun to the goin down uv the same. " Wuz they lazy ? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof ; for lo ! they wuz ez a child under my care. " Did they run away ? From Kentucky they run North, and lo ! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo ! here is thy nigger — do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich wuz cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest ez good. " Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv concubines a sufBshensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than him. " For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil. " We hed our concubines with ez great a muchness ez Solo- mon, but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper." And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to many uv em) poured out his lamentations. In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez the)"^ all hed their coats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em. " Yoo will," sed he, " stay in yoor happy homes — yoo will alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun?" The niggers, all in korous, With a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook. A paroxysm \iv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin consid- ered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, — " Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell ! 1 loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my A FAINTING SCENE. 231 leisure hours — the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to pay oif a mortgage on the place — she and yoor older sisters. Farewell ! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins ; but wo is me ! Curses on the tyrent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. ! it is hard for father to part with child, even when the market's high ; but, God ! to part thus — " And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteelly. His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself^ lie fell on her neck, an^ bemoaned his late with t^tchin pathos. " Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children ! Farewell, faro, and bosses, and champane — a long farewell ! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my needs. Hed yoo died, I cood hev bin resigned ; lor when dead you ain't wuth a copper ; but to see yoo torn away livin, and wuth $2000 in any market — it's too much, it's too much ! " And he fainted, fallin across the old man. " Who'll do the work about the house ? " shreekt the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom. " Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us ? " shreekt the three daughters, swoonin away, and fallin across the old woman. My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three daughters ; but I restrained myself^ and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the nig- gers away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus ; but they wuz not theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered ; they wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzume. Wood, ! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop ! Sich misery does Ablishnism bring in its train — sieh horrors follers a departure from Dimikratik teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers. When? Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Diapensashun. 232 A HOPEFUL KPNTUCKIAN. XGII. A CONVERSATION WITH A LOYAL KENTUCKIAN, WHO HAD FAITH IN THE FINAL TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY. CoNFEBBlT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ^ January 6, 186G. 5 I SEE a lite. Dimocrisy is not that dead carkis its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerous friends here insisted that ezT wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, ajid flote with the current. I can't. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryina, middle-aged ones to bornins, old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child. I hev diskivered many things sence I hev bin in Kentucky — things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder. The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I lied a conversation with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never taken sides. Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after bat- tles, he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. " Good any body be more nootraller than that?" he asked. "My sons," sed he, " wnz in the Confedrit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direc- tion ; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that glorious star-spangled banner, under wich 1 hed whipped my niggers and sold their children ; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born The Southern palltipi^ns fiincied that the ownership of the land would give them absolute power ovet the negroes, forgetting that the labor of their late slaves was just as valuable as the land ; that without that labor the land was valueless. It was some years before they discovered thattlje negro could think, (mA a(=t ^oin his knowledge as white men did. HIS CURE. 233 unto me. Tliat banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in tlieir pursoot ez the Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible ? The instoo- shun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we coed hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishnists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wieh inclooded,ez a rool, twice or three times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it, Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em ; tor Kentucky alone — the only nigger State in the North — wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when conteraplatin the horrors uv war ; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Ken- tucky wuz loyal, but nootral," I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned from the Confedrit service are not at all discour- aged; on tlie contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I Meeve he wuz a Kernel under General Forest ; indeed, I think be told me he participated in the glorious victorv at Fort Filler),— " Why art thou cast down ? Things is workin eggsactly to our hand." In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it. " I kin," sez he. " Lookye, my venerable friend. Is North- ern Dimocrisy still troo ? " " They is," I replied, " wat few remains. But, alas ! war, crooel war, hez decimated our ranks five times." "How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats joined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords — did they ? " " Not any," sez I ; " but Canady and Montana took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beat at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Abljshnist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration ; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emi- grated starved to death, and tother half is distributed in the various state's prisons in them lands uv reiuge." " Still," sez he, " it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in 234 PLEASANT ANTICIPATIONS. Noo York, is ours. Noo Jersey will go back to her allegiance. . The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez two devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States Will send one or two ; and them from the North kin be de- pended on to go any measure we say. Then " — and he slapped me on the back hilariously — "the niggers is free!" " Well," sez 1, not seein wat cause for hilarity that wuz. " Well," sez he, " them niggers is not now other persons ! We alluz counted five uv em for three in makin up the Con- gressmen we wuz entitled to ; now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef 3-00 Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Con- gress. Then, good Lord ! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved ; but our Legislators will speedily redoose em to their normal condishun. We shel observe the Constitu- shnel Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free ; but the good uv society demands that he ' shel be under, proper guardianship. He won't be allowed to change his location ; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He won't be allowed to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a unregenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him ; ef he is a saint, who hez a Southern hope uv a blessed immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrain his anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better than it wuz before. 1 see a glorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocris}', be uv good clieer. Agin tiiey shel lick our liands ; agin they shel eat the crumbs tliat fall from the National table. " Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our A SUGGESTION. 235 manual labor for nothing, with Northern Dimocrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Dimocrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer ! " I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back from the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel encouraged. 0, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us " Our vigger renoo, And our journey persoo," and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts. Petkoleum V. Nasby, Lait Pastor uv the Church uv the Noo J^isjoensashun, XCIII. A PLAN SUGGESTED FOR THE UP-BUILDING OF THE DEMOCRACy. CoNFEDEjT X KoADS (wicli IS in the Stait uv Kentucky), ) January 27, 1866. f Halleloogy ! halleloogy ! halleloogy ! I see a lite ! It beams onto me ! It penetrates me ! It fills me ! Joy to the world ! I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it yesterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocei-y keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many virtues ; but he diskivered that the one be prized the most I 236 THE SOCIAL SLIDING SCALE. hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv pay in for my likker. There- fore the account mite be con«iidered closed. Then, for the fust time in my hfe, I bleeved in total depravity. While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the lall uv the Dimocratic party, 1 came onto a party of men boriii for oil. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations showed me the way to success — the ehoor path to triumph. " When," said I to myself, " when men seek gain they bore for it. They go down — never up." Even so with the Dimoc- risy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the groceries ; the nesxt stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners ; then we struck the poor whites uv the South ; then, below them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Jersey ; then Southern Ilhnoy and Indiana ; then Pike county, Missouri ; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of converts. There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Demo- crats who wuznt born in the party hev slid down ; to wit : — Quarter dollar smiles. 15 cent nips. 10 cent drinks. 5 cent sucks. A flat flask conceeled. A bottle openly. Dimocrisy. We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast ; and the tax on whisky forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their feet thej' jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust. But I hev diskivered that lower stratum — I hev found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, 1 shouted Halleloogy I The nigger is the lower stratum ; and ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power. We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev the suffrage ! It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Centurj', in the full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Declarashun which de- clares all men " free and ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorious privilege uv bein taken up to the poles THE NEGRO A MAN. 237 and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man ? Is he not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em own property ? Is he ncit amenable to all the laws, even ez we is ? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote ? Ah ! why, indeed ? " But this is Ablishnism ! " methinks I hear a obtoose Di- mocrisy observe in horrer. " And why give them votes who will use em agin us ? " My gentle friend, uill they use their ballot agin us ? Ef I know myself, 1 think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise ? Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wieh hez alluz set us up ? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skool- master is a engine uv Ablishnism ; every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to ; for do yoo spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after year ? Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than afore the war; and tliera States we kin depend on. But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in the South, We'll send em North. A few thou- sand will overbalance the Ablishn majority in Noo Jersey ; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold ; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is saved — we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself ; the club he cut for us will break his own head. Honey hez kum out uv the carcass ; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter" to me now than Nite iDloomin Serious ; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post Orfis. We must give our Afrikin brother, — for is he not a man and a brother ? — not only the siiffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdooSe a bill into the Senate givin each family a quarter section uv land, a 238 THE FOUNDATION OP THE NEW TEMPLE. pair uv mules, and a cook stove ; and each female Af'rikin brother two tiarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second thought, 1 guess* some otlier man bed better interdoose the bill, as the Senate bez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without con- siderin it, on general principles. Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin educate em up to the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore. Joj'usly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. It's rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the con- shence. But what uv that ? The Dimocrat who hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glori- ous results. " There's a lite about to gleeni, There's a fount about to streem, Wait a little longer ! " Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. THE DIVIDING LINE. 239 XCIV. ENJOYS A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD, SEEING THEREIN MANY CURIOUS THINGS, WHICH ARE PUBLISHED A^ A WARNING TO POLITICIANS. CoNFEDKiT X EoADS (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > February 5, 1866. ) Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper lor that time uv night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain't what they wuz when I wuz young. Alas ! we who hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when, ■with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square meal without fear uv consekenses ! But " Them happy days is fled, And never will return." I paid my respecks to two mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, foUered by a half dozen doughnuts, and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch ; and singler ez it may seem, it didn't set well. ^ I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Me- thawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It wuz a singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit lied to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk do^vn in it ef they wuz loaded,^ accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven ; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water. On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung, onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross, their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities. 240 THE FATE OF THE WICKED. General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He had on a life preserver, labelled " States Rights ; " but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages labelled " Treason," " Perjury," and « Murder," and John C. went under. Old James Buchanan went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above water as long ez a able-bodied man could hold a bar uv red-hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled " Treason " struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had a pig pile more uv ammtinition to discharge at him, but that one wuz sufficient. Vallandigham come next. 1 wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at him, but he sank all the same. " We never waste effort," sed Satan to me ; " he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without piiin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old." Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each, leg wuz tied a weight labelled " KansatJ," and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last 1 seed uv him. Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothing wuz flung at him, for wich 1 asked the reason. " Why," sed Satan, " the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't know when to stop. 1 could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the United States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, Pm gettin more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. Pve a mortgage on two thirds uv that State." Pernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right. With an inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperi- enced devils, and sed, " Leave em to me," andat Ben he hurled a package uv t'-^ New York News, wich swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Pernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other Satan's ideas. 241 shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled " Lotteries " and " Riots," which took him down to the arm- pits, and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wnz written " Mayoralty," and down he went ; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief. Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him, — " This war hez bin. a rather profitable thing for yoo." " Nothin to speak uv," sed he. " The leaders uv the South- erners were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, nohow. The leading Copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginning. Any man who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin. Why," sed he, " do yoo think I use all the shot I hev ? Not any. Them yoo've seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile. " Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git, emd the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be ■ vishus enuff to come to me ; he hez to hev sense enufi" to dis- tinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enufi" to do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities devel- oped to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and Fernandy Wood it's nip and tuck. Pernandy did wicked things with more neatnis than Voorhees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voorhees beets the world. I sed," continued he, " that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I repeat it ; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my ovfu way, pretty much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz wun uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multipHed with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas ! the octooroon bizniss is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hone, how- evei-. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they 16 242 AND HIS HOPKS. possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President and re-establish slavery ! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be enufF slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speeker^ or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't see the yoose uv interferin." At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the stream, and in the struggle I awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the impreshun remained. " Kin it be," mused 1, pen- sively, " that we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent ? " But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I had turned Fenian — hed elected mj'self Hed Centre for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent plantashun. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. THE TROUBLE OP LIVING ON FAITH. 243 xcv. THE SITUATION. — THE DEMOCRACY WARNED. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), | February 15, 1866. \ I HEV hed hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bui centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five long weary and dreary years. 0, how I hev yearned for John- sou ! 0, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Di- mocrisy wich is satisfactory — suthin tangible — suthin that I cood take hold on. Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen ; wich is all right so fur ez religion is con- cerned, but uv no account in poUtix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniac on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith, pork wuz unnecessarj'. Wuz the experiment a success ? Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200 ; in a week he wuz down to 125 ; and in fourteen days he slept in the valley ! I hev beeuJivin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones show ; light shines through me ; I am faint and sick. 0, for suthin that 1 can see and feel — suthin solid ! Our Dimocratic newspapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that his policy is our policy ; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy ! in chorus. What is it all about ? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a The Democratic leader^ were in great doubt in 1866 as to the policy of adopt- ing President Johnson, and President Johnson was for a time in doubt as to the propriety of adopting the Democracy. The President wanted the Democ- racy, but he also desired to retain in his party the " conservative " Republicans, and therefore at the beginning of his trouble his appointments were all made from the latter class, much to the disgust of the former. 244 " WHERE IS THE OFFICES ? " Dimokrat ? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, " Where is THE OFFICES ? " Who's got em ? What is the politikle convic- shuns uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps ? Who is the Collectors, the As- sessors, et settry ? ' Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats ? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out nv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood appinted in their places ? Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a Ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors. Faith without works is a weak institution ; its like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so ez I don't get a place ? Androo Johnson maj' cut off offishl heads ez dexterously and profoosely ez he chooses ; but my sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez the places ? Paul maj' plant and Apollus water ; but uv what account is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase ? I take no delight in sicli spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimo- crat, — ef he desires the honest, hearty support uv the party, - — let him seel his faith with works. I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually ; that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Admin- istration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change. I sposed that to-wunst the position would be offered to me ; and that after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the appintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Im- agine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change, frovideo he could find, in the vicinity, some origi- nal Union man who would accept the place. THE CENTRAL IDEA. 245 Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor part. Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature!^ We are willin to endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man's theo- ries. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent that she could not kiver em ; but he remarked he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capaci- ty. We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud {one, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connec- ticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,— a party uv sich adaptibility, — kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea is Post Office ! and ef Androo John- son could be got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else he required uv us. We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums ; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That bag- gage is wat we want ; and we shel fling him off" shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy terms ; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to fight his battles. Will he do it ? That's the question a hun- dred thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensasihun. 246 THE CAPTURE OP THE PRESIDENT. XCVI. THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH. Washington, February 23, 1866. I don't know ; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, " All is well ! " The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened ; but it's my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez ariz onto the Dimocracy ; that our night uv gloom is over ; and that, at last, the Government, or at least the only part we care about, — the oiBsis, — is oum. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite ! I stood beside him ! I helpt hold' him up ! I smelt his breath. It's all ,rite ! I hed hopes when he, vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn abominashens, — the Freedmen's Burow bill, — not- withsta,ndin there were pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the nig- gers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honest differ- ence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich rnite be settled, and then what wood become uv us ? Ef the niggers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose head rest cusses ! ), or A. Johnson's ! And ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, 1 got no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be answered. But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto ; and knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he The famous, or rather infamous, speech of the 22d of February, 1866, settled the status of President Johnson, and indicated clearly his purpose of turning his back upon the loyal men of the country. He continued, however, to appoint Republicans to office, and refused to commit liimself specifically to tha Democracy. The real Republicans abandoned him from that moment. A DESCRIPTION OF THE CAPTORS. 247 needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singular that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads ? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's ■ speeches ; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that congeniality uv sperit so nessary to him ; and by the time the serenade .wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capacity in that line is immense. The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in his sootuv gray, which hed, by continued contact with the pavements uv Washington — wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they don't sweep — become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with .their applications for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up for J. Davis : and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President — the man who hjid the appintin power in his hands — who cood make and unmake Post Masters ! It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it ? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens ? Wood he ? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him ; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed people. But Cox wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel ■whispered into his ear, " Charles the I. ! " * and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded in. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded ; and ez he went on, pilin * Mr. Sumner, in a speech, spoke of President Johnson as the American " Charles I." 248 AND THEIR ENTHUSIASM, Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usiii Tennessee stump slang, im- proved by a liberal mixture uv the more desprit variety he hed picked up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dim- okrats ; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four j'ears, — washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him, — he stood forth ez we knowd him — Androo Johnson ! How he did froth and foam ! How he did lash his late associates ! and hpw those Dimokrats who came to Wash- inton with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and jocularity wich they cood not conceal ! And how the Ablish- nists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowful and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new trouble afore em ! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable euthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd ! It wuz gorjus. While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don't go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis ; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat — a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preeminence over us in Tennessee, and put him throiugh the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us ; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits ; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot forget that he went back on us at a critikle time in the history uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wus makin to regain their rites wood be a failure ; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him ; but all this sliood not hev affected him. It's THE GREAT QUESTION. 249 the normal condiahn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed ; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failure or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questioning. Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the batik. They took him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became infatuated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to af)e the manners uv those into whose sphere be bed bin thrown. There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him -^ nateral proclivities and acquired tastes — wich may be repre- sented by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint juleps at Willard's. Massachoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massachoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable all the time ; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long con- fined in a dam, when it's bustid its obstructions, and goes, it goes with a looseness, and tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it. Before I tie myself to A. J., I want to know for certin what he proposes to do. Who is to hev the Post Ofpisis ? Is Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit ? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Eepubli- kins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocris}' ? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuif Eepublikins, precisely, and no more, to fill the ofBsis, and they will be uv sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite ; but tail, never ! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank yoo ; and we heven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a ex- stremely shaky man to carry. Sich \oads must be paid for. But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and Stevens ; and in less than a week every Republi- kin uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that 250 • A PROTEST. extent that he won't be able to git back agin. He's a animal uv the bull kind ; and criticism and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors wave afore the animals they wish to infoociate, and they may drive him into our ranks. I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commis- sion, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, coufirmin me in the possession uv the post orfis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. XOVII. THE PEESIDENT IMPLORED TO SHOW HIS HAND. February 29, 1866. > I NOTICE, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Bz a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest ! In the name uv suffriu Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted citizen, I protest ! In the name uv common sens6 and ordnary politikle sagacity, I protest ! Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimoc- risy ; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we ? Am I datin my letters from " Post Orfis, Confedrit X Roads ? " Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintraent uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead ? Not that I hev heard of. Per contra, the Ablish- nists — them ez wuz appinted by Linkin — are still holdin on, Democratic politicians organized meetings in all the Northern States, in ap- proval of the President's speech, and the policy it foreshadowed, all of which were engineered by men who yearned for the comfortable offices occupied by their political enemies. The majority of them got their reward subsequentily. HESITATION. 251 ez calm ez a summer morniu, without apy apparent fear uv any change aifectin them. Who pays for the Halls ? Who pays the music ? Who pays the Powder ? Dimocrats who do these scent Post OflSses in the distance. Are they like the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha ! to the trum- pets ? Let me entreat aich that they kin make a better invest- ment uv their means. The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy. Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and Pernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it ; but ain't it possible that the stench wich they took for Dirn.ocrisy,,and wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him ? " But," sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened do%vn from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo. and who woodent hev a small post orfis at no price, ef it wuznt oifered him, " look at the class he spoke to." Wat noncence ! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on his politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uy the eternal fit- ness uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say em to. I don't propose to go prf i.nto spasms over jthe present situa- shun. Johnson proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro, and hezn't no noshen of repealin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a stait of abject cussitood. Our habis oorpuses wich Linkin took away from us hevn't bin re- turned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin with- out em. 1 knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Caucashun race over the Afrikin, and wuz to-wunst hanled up afore a Freed- men's Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous mem- bers are exclood'ed from Congris on the frivolus plea that they 252 THE PRICE OF ALLEGIANCE. wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis ; and all these outrages agin Dimocrisy Andruo Johnson, by per- mittin, absolootly .approves. I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The seat of my politikle pants is full uv slivers. But. before I take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GIT FOR IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of scoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down. Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for a consideration ; ez much so ez is the , thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin up demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permission, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Depart- ment, to write " P. M." after my illustrious name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev em all ready. 1 onl3' want this addi- tional one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all religious systems. Post Offis is the central figger in all Democratic creeds — the theme uv conver- sation by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long !, oh, how long ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. JOHN GUTTLE. 253 XOVIII. THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM. — AN AFFECTING APPEAL IN BEHALF OF A FRIEND. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Staituv Kentucky), March 19, 1866. Yesterday I happened to pick up a copy nv a friteful de- praved Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz ^lued to the follerin passage, which I read : — " I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John Guttle's negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned . two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro sys- tem is working well with us." Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend, ■ — one uv the few wich I call friend in the most comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note for eighteen dollars and 63 cents ; and I hev sumwhere among m)' papers, wich I have always carefully preserved for refer- ence, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he fur- nished the paper, and it made him easy in his mind — I put down the memorandum becoz it looked business-like. Benevo- lence is a prominent trait in my character. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge the trouble uv writin it. But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item passes belief. The writer puts it iu print to show that the Ablishn uv slavery benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachoo- setts, wuz benefitted by the change ; so are the greasy mechan- ics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama ; and so, probablj', are the 250 niggers ; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name 254 AND THE GUTTLE FAMILY. uv Justice, in the name uv the Constitooshun uv the United States, and the flag uv our Co'rtimori Countrj'-, I ask, How about John Guttle? John Guttle is robbed! John Guttle is deprivfed uv his property. The breadis taken froni John Guttle's' mouth ; his staff' is broken ; his dependence is gone ; he is bereft. Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy years afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old school — one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood showed ; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated ; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminentlj' a Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious ; and there never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz favorites with em ; but on " cussid be Canaan " they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetual bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father ; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss ; and they hed mellered the color uv their charges down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle system, time passed off" smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham two soots uv clothes per annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz con- sidered healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls THEIR DOWNFALL. 255 hed pianos, and wuz- educated at the North ; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generons to a fault. Their house wuz open house, and their beverageS' wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them ; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or boss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market ; or, ef they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands wood be sold, and the reiMainin ones wood be persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit arm}'. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves doorin their absence. Now all is changed ! A shadder hez fallen across that peace- ful home. The nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it, and the niggers a school house on the tother. The race track is plowed up and in cotton ; the whippin-post' and the stocks is taken down and burned ; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the ruthless hand uv the invader. John Guttle — that generous old man — subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running a ' dray in Mobeel ; another, who is gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable living playing seven-up, in a small way, with his former niggers ; ariJ the two girls is runnin a sewing masheen. Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred and fifty niggers to the glorious old Pimocratic John Guttle ? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em ? Kin 1 go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv one uv them ? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they place a higher value on money, and will not spread it around ez profoosely ez the noble race which preceded em. 256 JOHN GUTTLE AND DEMOCRACY. Another great wrong is done in ttiis settln free uv John Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat ; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy ? We stood ez a Chinese wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism ; and we made the wall biznis pay. They furnished monej', and we did the work ; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas ! our occupashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us ; for she hez no dirty work for us to do. I appeal to the United States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North, who are out uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv.his daughters runnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Guvernment shall hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these is done. Petroleum V. Nasbt, Lait Paster uv the Oliurch uv the Noo Dispensashun. XCIX. A DEEAM. — THE CORPSE OF REPUBLICANISM. CoNFEDHiT X Roads (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > March 30th, 1866. \ I HEV bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed become to me, a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salary promptly, and takin his drinks regerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a AN INTERVIEW WITH A. JOHNSON. 257 credit for a short time. I. felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore I went to Washinton. Knowin that for men iiv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, 1 went dreckly to the Second Jaxson hisself I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table, exsausted with receevin delegashens and sich. •'Well," sed he. " Honerd and spected sir," said I, " I am a applicant for the post orfis at Confedrit X Boads, wicli is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do be- leeve in solemnly. Spected and honered sir," sed 1, " ef 1 shood have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy." " Wich State are yoo from ? " sed he, half asleep. " From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I. " Well," sed he, yawnin feerfull}', and turnin to a clerk, " Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission ! " " Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit uv loonacy for wich I can't account, " I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit servis." " What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter ! " and I wuz to-wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House. In vane I tried tp git back, that I might convince him 1 did ez much for the Confederacy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not hevin the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold' stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep. I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal uv pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head wuz a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off. " Wat is these ? "" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a attendant, 17 258 DIVIDING THE RAIMENT. " Them," replied he, " is the defunct carcass uv Repubh'- kinism. He wuz a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look ! the mourners are a comin to divide his clothes." And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxson, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who ap- peared to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, wlio hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Gover- nor Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged their- selves around the bier. " He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his hand- kercher to his eyes, " but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled, " Presidency, 1868," from wich hung more'n a million uv smaller trinkets, " that ez 'twas me that pizened him, this is mine." " Nary," sed Johnson ; " I did, the bizness for him, and it's mine.'' " Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, " but who- ever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine." " And I," sed Doolittle, " must hev, for my assistance, this little affair marked ' St. James,' for my seat in the Senate is a goner." " For my part," sed Jim Lane, " the Western appointment is mine. It's worth em all to wear this collar." "My friends," sed Stephens, " I find no amnesty about the corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral." Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin perfectly well that whoever took the plunder, he'd control it, any way. Governor Sharkey laid claim to a Secretaryship, and Bore- gard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there THE STRUGGLE OVER THE PLUNDER. 259 wiiz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost caine in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in tlie new deal, " for," sed he, " eft liadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all hev bin ? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin liim ! I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo lied," sed he, a turnin to Seward, " but ef Linkin hed lived, lia, ha!" sed he, in a tragedy voice. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannan, uv Pennsylvania, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their fingers in their ears, wi.cli hint he took for the first time in his life and desisted. Finally Johnson swore ''by the eternal" (he got that nosh^.. • from the first A. J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his initials is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see it out, f r it made but' little difference to them wich got it. In the ski'image Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv the room and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the I'oom through the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The efi"ect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive ; the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. " I ain't made up ray mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't you," sed he. " Willyum," sed he, turnin to Seward, " I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle ? Go, Willyum ! Ez for yoo, Poolittle, yoo never wuz half baked ; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in j^oor vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out tlje balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered., and 260 A KENTUCKY TEA PAETT. stnnk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I — " At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orfis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he in a trance ? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin ,to divide the assets, or will he stay ded ? Wood, wood that I knowed ! Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Faster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. C. A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY. CoNFEDKiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ) April 1, 1866. 5 Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky ; on the contrary, quite reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist ; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin — the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests — the originator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the ex- perience uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region. The poor whites at the South were made to believe that Hannibal Hamlin was a mulatto, and that Charles Sumner married a negress. The opinion held by this class of Mr. Sunmer is fiiirly stated in the text. THE SOUTHKEN IDEA OF SUMNER. 261 Yisterday 1 attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an lllinov store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited be- cause the Deekin hed,.some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and waniid an extension. While at the table enjoyin the « " Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much," ez Dryden hez it (tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this coun- try, they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea), the name uv' Sumner wuz mentioned. Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv thatojus creecher spoken at her table. " Why ? " sed I, gratified at the ebulition. " 1 hate him ! " sed she, spitefully. " So do I," replied I ; " but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his obnoxious pohtical opinions ? " " Didn't he marry a nigger ? " sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. " Didn't he marry a nigger — a full-blooded nigger ?' and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he com- pelled, agin their will, to marry full-blooded niggers ? Didn't he — ? " " Mrs. P.," sed this lUinoy sto e-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, " do yoo object to miscegenation?" " Missee — what ? " replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word. " Miscegenation — amalgamation — marryin whites with nig- gers." " Do I ? " retorted she ; "'ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger ! They are another race ; they'r beasts : and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablish- nists ? " " Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a muss, " ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky wich is yaller ? " " No ! uv course not," sed Mrs. P. ; " them yaller people is mulatters — half nigger, half white." " And them ez is quite white — not quite, but nearly so — 262 POLLOCK THE DISTURBER. about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv 1 8 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, " like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and — but, good Lord ! " sed he, startin up like a tragedian. " Wat ! " Routed the company, all startin up. " Nothin," sed he : " only, now that Jane's face is in range with the Deekin's, wat a -vyonderful resemblance ! She hez the Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face ; not Mrs. P.'s angu- larity, but the Deekin all over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the Deekin, " ef she wuzn't a quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s angularity and gineral bonenis ; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the resemblance may be sot down ez-a-very-remarkable-coinci- dence ! " The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I had heard about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a nigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald- headed in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, re- soomed : — » " I wuz about askin wat them niggers is, ez is nearly white ? " " Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eights white," sed Mrs. Pogram. " And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger ? " inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations alto- gether too far. " Never ! " sed Mrs. Pogram ; " we leave that to Ablishnists." " Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so innsent ez he let on, " I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, providin yoo don't do it legally ; that amalga- mashen don't hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram ? " Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick. A DEMOCRATIC INTERPRETATION. 263 " Jane there, is, I take it, about one eighth nigger. She got ner white blood from whites, uv course ; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv amalgamashen ? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half." The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up. " My dear sir," I remarked, " yoo don't make the proper dis- tinction, or, rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger here sustains only one character with us, — that uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens ; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbridled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the original Hebrew, signifies the hindquarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he surrenders all his individual rites. The female slave cannot be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em ; the intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham." " Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; " it's a assertion uv our sooperiority ; it's a dboty every white man owes to his class, and I, for one, will alluz — " " Let m'e ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted Mrs. P., "and I'll give yoo sich a cathaulin ez yob never — drat yoor 26i MOKE ABOUT SUMNEK. sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and — " Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at tlie proper pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjiuk upon wich they cood all agree. I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an Irish washer-woman; that he. run away from home at the tender age uv eight, after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv "wich wuz a Algerine and tother a Chinese ; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and lied cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found mostly dead seven hours afterward ; that he ac- quired wealth a sellin lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, 'and wich, under the laws uv Massa- choosits, coodent git awaj', and that his intimate friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive board, and drunk champane ; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Ann Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half brother, and that he kissed, habituall)-, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severely onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular down here, and cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Dee- strick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. AN EXULTANT STRAIN. 265 CI. A PSALM OF GLADNESS. — VETO OF THE CIVIL EIGHTS BILL. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wieli is in tlie Stall uv Kentucky), April 7, 1866. I AM a canary, a nigli ten gale. A lark, am I. I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes. I am a lamb, wich frisketh', and waggeth his tale, and leapeth, ez he nippetli the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kioketh up its heels exuberantly. I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the mornin feelin releeved in the knowledge that she wore not palpitators, nor false calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz hizn. * I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on a Saturday nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand. All these am I. and more. For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found that the underpinnin wuz gone out uv it. Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope : but the corners hed bin knocked out uv it. The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it ; Massachoosetts hed assailed it, and the North West hed drawd its bow agin it. Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun. Garret Smith another ; and the soldiers hed completed what they hed begun. And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and hed held forth its hand to Ethiopia. It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away from us our rites : Sayiii, that no more shel we sell em in the market place, Or take their wives from em, The veto of the Civil Rights Bill, which bill secured the negro in his riglits and made him really a citizen, occasioned great rejoicing among tlie Democracy, North and South. 266 WHAT SHALL COMB TO PASS. / I Or be father to their children, ' Or make uv em coukebines aginst their will, Or force em to toil without hire, Or shoot em, ez we wiiz wont to do under the old dispen- sashun, Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well. And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums ; for we said, Lo ! the nigger is our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope. But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay. And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law ; and our hearts is made glad. And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv glad- ness and the sounds uv mirth. The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us. We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh for the good old times when he wuz a slave ii? earnest. His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon ; and ef he murmurs, we'll bust his head. His daughters shel our sons possess ; and their inkrease will we sell, and live upon the price they bring. In our fields they shel labor ; but the price uv their toil shel make us fat. Sing, my soul ! The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that he wuz a servant unto his brethren. He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the Civil Rights Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at us. And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not. But now who shel succor him ? We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal. Our time uv rejoicin is come. In Kentucky, the soldiers voted,— them ez wuz clothed in gray, --and we routed the Abolishnists. " BLESSED BE MOSES." 267 Three great capchers hev we made : New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the President — him who aforetime strayed from us — we capcherd. Rejoice, my soul ! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, is come. We shel hev_ Post OiEsjs, and Collectorships, and Assessor- ships, and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich ; and on the proceeds thereof will we eat, drink, and be merry. The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streams tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink. Whisky shel be cheap ; for we shel hold the ofEses, and kin pay ; and the heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad. The Ablishnist shel hang his hed ; and we will jeer him, and flout him, and say unto him, " Go up, bald head ! " and no bears shel bite us ; for, lo ! the President is our rock, and in him we abide. Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo. Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed" uv Booth uv sum account to us. Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into the Canaan flowin with milk and honey. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. CII. A CRY OP EXULTATION. — A GLEAM OF LIGHT. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), i April 2, 1866. ) Kin it be ? Is it troo, or is it not troo ? Is Androo Johnson all my fancy painted him, or is he still a heaven-defj^ing perse- kooter uv the Democratic Saints? That's wat I and some The moment President Johnson proclaimed the war at an end, several of the Southern States enacted laws for the government of the negro scarcely less oppressive and absurd than those suggested by Mr. Nasby. 268 THE PARABLE OF THE EEL. thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to know. I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo. Pro-slavery Deraocraoy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the victim thereof. Androo started out to be a Moses,'and he is one ; but I think he's changed his Israelites. I oust saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I reproached her, sayin, " Woman, why skiunest thou eels alive ? Doth it not pain em ? " " Nary ! " retorted she. '' I've skinned em this way for going on to twenty years, and they're used to it." Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses bizniss, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's US he's a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've bin in for nearly five years; it's us that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up into the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage. We she! hev sum fites : there's Amakelitish post masters and PhilJistine collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can we fear ? I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerable locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, and that my youth wuz returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooicide, that idea is dismist. I'm }'oung agin. Wat hez worked this change ? yoo ask. It's the proc- lamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin away uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done it for me. Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, " Mine eyes hev seed thy glory ; let thy servant depart in peace." We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, and considerably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Union agin ; we are under the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich protects all men ceptin niggers and Ablishnists. The nigger is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws wich control labor and capital. Certainly he is — uv coarse. THE PROCESS OF RECONSTRUCTION. 269 I saw two uv my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wnz doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't seem to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control. Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war through wich they hev past. There ain't no soldiers now to interfere, for the policy uv keepin solrliors in and among free people is abhorrent to freedom and humanitj*. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion. We must hev Peace and unanimity ; and Peace cannot dwell among us onless there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fust dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late strtiggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated. Ablislmism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo are rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who opposed the lately deceased Confedracy is a Ablishnist. The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the nigger school-houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kin I AM a kittle full of cusses. Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continually fed with the oil uv disappointment. And I bile over. The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot onto, we thought wuz dead. And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we laid aside in 1860, and made a joyful noise. For we said, one unto another, Lo ! he is a true Moses, inas- much ez he is a leadin us out uv the wilderness. In a speed) in 1866 President Johnson claimed to have been the " Moses" of the negro, as he had been instrumental in leading him out of bondage. The name clung to him during his oflScial life. The passage of the Civil Rights bill over the President's veto destroyed the hopes of those who expected to keep the freedmen in a state of semi-bondage. 272 THE AMERICAN MOSES. The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed it, that we might look and live. Now let us be joyful ! For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand and foot. Blessed be Moses ! We will make him grind our corn ; but he shel not eat thereof. Blessed be Moses ! We will make him tread out our wheat ; but we will muzzle his mouth. Blessed be Moses ! He shall pick our cotton ; but the hire he receiveth, he shall stick in his eye without injuring the sight thereof. Blessed be Moses ! He shall toil in the sugar mill ; but the sugar shall he not sell. Blessed be Moses ! His sweat shall nourish our corn ; but he shall eat nary ear thereof Blessed be Moses ! We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spellin books (for shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall stay our hand ? The school teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the bloo-coated hirelins to make us afeerd ? Blessed be Moses ! We looked at the nigger, and said. Ha, ha ! the last state uv that chattle is wusa nor the fust ; for before, we hed his labor while he wuz strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick and old ; and now we kin git his labor with- out the care. Blessed be Moses ! The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room •, but there wnz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which rushed in and pre-empted the premises. Blessed be Moses ! But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish. Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him. EFFECT OF CIVIL RIGHTS BILL. 273 / He':! on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him. He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any longer ; and he can't get down, because he ain't no place to light onto. He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him ; the civil rights bill they passed in a uncivil manner. Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal. Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool houses is burned, and the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our superior. We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued ; but, alas ! he kin sue. He kin be a witness agin us, and h*.- kin set his face agin ourn. Our wise npen may make laws to keep him in his normal speer, but uv wat avail is they ? We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his chil- dren. The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto their husbands, and our hand is powerlis to separate em. Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to the highest bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, " Go to ; are we not men ? " I bade one git off the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned. 1 chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled onto her, and she squawked; and her husband, hearing the squawk thereof, came up and bustid my bead, even ez a white man wood hev dun. I chastised wun who gave me lip ; and he sood me, a Cauca- shun, for assault and battery, and got a judgment ! Wale ! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indigni- ties, but his hand wuz too weak We killed Linkin in vain. Our Moses is playin Jaxson. He fancieth he resembleth him, becoz his inishals is the same. He resembleth Jaxon muchly — in that Jaxon hed a policy wich he cood carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he can't carry out. 18 214: GLOOMY PROSPECT. And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin it out for him. Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's Jength, and holdin their noses. Moses is a cake half baked ; he is hot on one side, and cold on tother. He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come to us. He hez been takin epsom salts and ipecac ; and one is workin up, and the other is workin down. , Where kin we look for comfort ? Do we turn to the people ? Connecticut answers, " 'Ror for Hawley ! " and Noo Hampshere goes Ablishun. Do we turn to the courts ? Lo ! Taney hez gone to his re- ward — him who aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who understood the nacher uv the nigger, — and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his stead. Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a broken reed on which to lean. We are too short at both ends. Shall we go to Brazil ? Lo ! there they put niggers in oiBce. Mexico holds out her hands to us ; but, lo ! the nigger is considered a man. We hev no escape from the Ethiopian ; he is around us, and about us, and on top uv us. I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future. Hed I bin a Ablishinist, so ez to make the thing safe in the next world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this. For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out with woe. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispenaashun. THE USELESS CURSE. 275 CIV. MOUENFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ) April 26, 1866. \ The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv the Holy Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority, who hev snbstitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleas- ant revelashens uv Holy Writ, and the practices of- their fathers. Good Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood be a servant unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded in these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and I make the assertion from wat I know uv the char- acter uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and not oust Ham at all. For wat's the use uv sich a cuss ef it's to be re- moved jist when you want it to stick ? Hed it bin taken off afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad, and they cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alas ! not only is the South in a state of abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is likewise. The case stood thuswise : The South depended on the Nig- ger ; and the Northern politicians, like me, depended on the South. The nigger wuz the foundashun upon wich the entire structur rested ; and now that he's knocked out, it falls. I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin wit- nis uv a scene wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratin suthin connected with their onnatural removal from their normal condishun, and wuz a paradin the streets with bands uv music, and with banners and inscriptions. They hed the impudence to dress up in good clothes, — clothes wich I cood not afford to wear, — and three uv the impudent cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of The more reckless of President Johnson's new friends insisted that he should use the military power in his hands to enforce his policy — that he should treat the acts of Congress as nullities, and administer the government without its aid. 276 WHAT THE PKESIDENT SHOULD DO. human beins ez to make speeches ; and to my horror, the mass uv em bed ben so well trained by somebody that they actily cheered, and ez near ez I cood make out got in the applause at the right place, and all without the assistance uv a indivijual to commence applaudin at the right time, wich we hev gener- ally found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins. Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They lied em all spelt rite, and they wuz full uv alloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich, planely showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee that they wuz loaded down with a cuss and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no rites watever. In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin down uv the barriers, wich Noah set up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a boss car, when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to enter and set down. I remonstrated with the chattel, who laft in my face. Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foun- dations uv society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond fair wimmiu who hed, in olden times, never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin their own vittles ; and I saw men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the labor uv a hun- dred niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and gro- ceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a mistake ? Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed ? or has he becum so bleached, so lost in the white by amalgama- tion, that there ain't enough uv the black left in each indivijual for tlie cuss to hang to ? Andrew Johnson ! in your hands rests our cause ; on j'our ackshen depends our weal or woe ! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a corrupt and radikle Congress does over- ride your vetoes, and legislate for these cuss-ridden people ? Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to make em feel. Clear out the rump Congress ; declare our Southern brethren entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv the North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They will sustain yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv steel. There ain't no risk in it — nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv the Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats ; let it be under- THE UNPLEASANTNESS AT MEMPHIS. 277 stood that yoo hev come back to yoor fust love, and no longer abide in the tents uv Ablishunism, — and all will be well. Talk less uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Com- bine Post Offices with Policy, and proclaim that only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former, and yoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. From the South comes up the cry, wich the North reekkoes. Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablislmists call Moses, but wich we, for obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxson, heed that cry ? or will he persist in clingin to the black idol he embraced four years ago ? Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — »« i»»I£ . June 9, 1866. S They hed a ruction in the church at the. Corners yisterday., wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv the temple Ave hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say " we," I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soldiers and sich Dimekrats ez remained at home nootrel ; but inasmuch ez I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct the sf rvices, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speakir* uv the church ez " my " church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal wel- fare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its pastor, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post ofEs at the Corners, wich is now held by a <*vblishnist uv the darkest dye, wich President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for, persistently refooses *o remove. The case wuz suVain like this : — Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather withhevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drank with a nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charg4 Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker. The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows : — " Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly ce'/tin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wus hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin in- sistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best two in three, jest as though a man cood afford to play five games between drinks ! The ijcie is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain't vn precedent for any sich course. We wuz 286 EXAMINATION OP WITXE3SES. settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style — he had his fingers twisted in my neck handkerclier, and 1 had a stick uv stove wood suspended over liis Iiead. While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in- arm with a nigger, and, — The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker ? Witness. — Certainly. Tlie Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on. Witness. ■ — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the bar, and drank together. By the Court. — Did they drink together ? Wiiness. — They ondaniable did. By myself. — The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they absorbed. Witness. — Can't say — spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey — that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows. By myself. — The Sexton will» go at once to Bascom's and procoor the identicle bottle from which this wretched man, who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court to know. A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onder- stood by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, how- ever, brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refrashin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished the trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal. I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormit}' uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger equality, so long ez my Dcekins practis it ? I told hira that Ham wuz oust by Noah, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his brethren — that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dim- Ocrisy wuz built upon that idea, and that assooiatin with him in any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowerin ourselves to theirn ; in either case GUILTY, BUT JUSTIFIED. 287 the result wuz fatal. 1 implored Brother Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receive sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. " Speak up. Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet se- verely. Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied, — " That he did drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, for the nigger paid foe the WHISKY ! ! " " But, shoorly," I remarked, " it wasn't nessary to yoor pur- pose to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm, — a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not alFeckshun." TJie Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are slippery. Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous. " My brethren," sez I, " the action uv Brother Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz oust by Noah, and condemned by iim to serve his brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noah hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do ? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer compel the nigger to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do with whips and dorgs. The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority 288 THE CANING OP GRINNELL. ^ uv the Anglo-Saxon mind — he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil. Wood, wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks ! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant ! " The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment — a tall and strong tower. Peteoleum V. Nasbt, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispemashun. CVIII. TUENS A MEETING, CALLED TO INDORSE GEN- ERAL ROSSEAU, TO ACCOUNT. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > June 22, 1866. \ There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine hearty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to preside becoz I'm bald-headed ; they think bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents — one for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absence, reported ez follows : — General Rosseau, in feeble imitation of Brooks, assaulted Mr. Grinnell, of Iowa, having been worsted in an argument. Kentucky, of course, indorsed Rosseau. WHEREAS AND RESOLVED. 289 Wijereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and there- fore a gentleman, hevin got into a argument witli a Iowa sheep- breeder; and, Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously turned it into blackguardin ; and. Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remem- bered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and caned him ; therefore, be it Besolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit X Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky. Besolved, That we know not wich to admire the most ; the dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto. Besolved, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years of age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good ex- cuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed. Besolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good sence the Memphis riots. Besolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cor- diality ez though he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis. Besolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, brave men who acccmipanied and stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the Southern spirit. I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool when the leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated 1 hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read it: — 19 290 THE EVERLASTING POST OFFICE. Resolved, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a Ablishriist, President Johnson is ■ — At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post OfEs with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order. 1 replied, " Wood yoo be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist ? " The Deekin replied that personally he wood. Ho had the highest respect for my massive talents and my excellent quali- ties uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him, and — I called him to order at once. Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the be- nevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed, — " I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun de- mandin a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood be, my friends, no yoose uv sendin the President a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for oflBces every day ; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the Presi- dent, they want, and will hev, the post orfises, for uv what use is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses ? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post ofiis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from the people, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve. he will read it and read it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orfis is mine." Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption AN INTERRUPTED SERMON. 291 nv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no difference ; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby's inten- tion, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the first three and a half j'ears' salary towards payin off the small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by residin in it. To all uv wicii I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusl)'. Hevin lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perfeckly j'oonanimous. My prospex is britenin. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. — NC^ — CIX. PREACHES — THE "PRODIGAL SON." — AN INTER- < ' RUPTION. CoNFEDEiT X EoADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), l July 6, 1866. 5 I PREACHED last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of the Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all hev conspired to comfort the souls \iv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern men were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev been killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there is everything to encour age us. 292 A PLAIN STATEMENT. The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snufl" wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine-cut tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin distinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him. " My brethren," sed I, " sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in j'oor houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A man, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one, who hed a taste for that pertikeler branch uv agriculture known ez sowin wild oats. He left his home and went into far countries, makin the old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to Noo Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell to supply em with money. He played draw poker and faro ; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded at big hotels ; and he follered after strange women, which '11 bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet in- vented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, and he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do ? He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off', and went out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a suit of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved for another occasion. " My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to every occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a i-eady-made coat. The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's house on a expedition wich hezn't proved altogether a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hev cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev bin some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery and State Rights, and they've cleaned us THE CHURCH MILITANT. 293 out. Our pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant half- dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We hev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendinhogs, ef the armies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We het come back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Wash- ington, and ask to be taken back. Now, why don t our father, the Government, fulfil the Skripter ? Why don't it see us afar off, and run out to meet us ? Why don't it put onto us a purple robe ? Where's the ring for our finger, and the shoes for our feet ? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill ? My breth- ren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles — while tliey preach the gospel thev won't practise it. For my part, I — " At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in the audience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a word in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time ; and, sez he, " ef I am inter- rupted, remember I b'long to the church military, wich is, just now, the church triumphant." And cockin his musket he pro- ceeded, very much uninterrupted. " The prodigal son," sez he, " wuz received by the old man with considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. He didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make war onto the old gentleman — he didn't burn his house and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences, and knock down the balance uv his children. Not any. He went away peaceably, a misguided good-for-nothin, but yet a peaceable good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord. The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hed run through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got hungry, he came back like a whipped dog. " My friends, let me draw a parallel between these cases. " The Prodigal Son went out, — so did the South, — thus farly the cases is alike. 294 AND ITS STATEMENT. " The Prodigal didn't steal notliin. The Confederacy took everything it cood lay its hands on. " The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Con- federacy spent not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowed its promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper thej' wuz printed onto. " The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousness that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all the time. " The Prodigal didn't demand veal pot-pies, and purple robes, and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed. The Scuth comes back demandin office, uv wich the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in the government than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out. " Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and re- marked to him thus : ' I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my debts — yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the other boys — yoo must treat me in all re- specks just ez ef I hadn't gone out, and — this is essential — yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom 1 fell in while I wuz away, and make them head men on the place ; and above all, I hev with me the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid displeasin the others, PU dress em in different clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.' " Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hev remarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, or rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. But, alas ! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin the late misunderstandins that he's too poor — the robes wuz all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch yoo in — the shoes they wore out, and the rings — Jeff son A VISION. 295 Davis wears the only style we hev. When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet yoo ; but till then, chaw husks?" Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no more preaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed. I am heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It's curious, though, what different sermons kin be preached from the same text, and it's also curious how quiet our folks listen to a Ablishnist who hez muskets to back him. Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv tJie Church uv the Nbo Dispensashun. ex. A PLEASANT DREAM, THE PHILADELPHIA CON^ VENTION BEING THE SUBJECT THEREOF. CoNFEDKiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait Uy Kentucky), j July 28, 1866. ] My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin overly pleasant ; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else — Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more i;han repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. Tlie proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishnists, and conse- kently hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, The Philadelphia convention, which met a few weeks after the date of this " dream," followed very closely the suggestions contained in it. 296 THE ORGANIZATION. to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit — in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man desired, in fact ; for when we got through, in about thirty -eight minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin his- self for a fool. He didn't open agin ; he consoomed liis stock in trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen. 1 succumbed in a fence corner, and, overpowered ez I wuz, slept, " A sweetly dreamin — Dreamin the happy hours away." Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, engineeriu uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one hand a lyin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a tvvistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-Presi- dent Franklin Pierce, be chairman ; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from eacli State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read ; it wuz more like an old- fashioned Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest ; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard, WHO SHOULD BE ADMITTED. 297 Thompson and Forsyth, and T felt hke him uv old — "Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothing but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler wat slen- der ties hold us to earth ! The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees — two on each from the South and one frt)m the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Ran- dall, the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative. We hed our liands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification ibr a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates, — From the North — all Democrats who hed bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns ; all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do. From the South — all who cood show a officer's commission in the late Confedrit army : all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present. This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the TJnyun commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv them stayed seven hours and a half. In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on 298 THE RESOLUTIONS. Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that, — Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each ; and Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own standpint, instead uv viewin things from the other's standpint ; and Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North ; and Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government — nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government ; therefore be it Resolved, That we are for the Union ez it wuz. Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legislatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen. Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determina- tion uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his eiforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoiu all they may do. Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Gov- ernments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them uv wicli our Southern brethren got the worst uv the dis- putes that ensood. Resolved, Tliat Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the^ names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Browns- Nasbv's Dream op the Kecepi'iun ok the ir'ATKioTS. f^t^tt li99. TABLEAU. 299 burg, Jonesburg, e.t settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever. Eesolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise ; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint. Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson. Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands thjit sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and' that the more un- pleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted. Resolved, That there be gushin confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uy State for the too free use uv his little bell door in the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich alluz causes trouble. At this pint. His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheerin 1 never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, General Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and General Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv the bands ; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle. At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into 300 THE AWAKENING. the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, " There wuz me, and Adams, and Jefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God ! Johnson ! Faugh ! " and 1 notist that George spit ez tlio' suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his sper- itool boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite. There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-ofBs Department the next mornin. The guUotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Ran- dall hisself give me mine. " Take it, my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks ; " take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your' township who takes a paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical." At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality ! Will I only git that posf>ofi5s in a dream ? Petroleum V. Nasby, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispeiisashun. CXI. REWARD OF VIRTUE. — THE VIRTUOUS PATRIOT SECURES HIS LOAF. — JOLLIFICATION. CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866. At last I hev it ! Finally it come ! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got i+. 1 am now Post Master at Confedrit X Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever lied any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the THE JOHNSONIAN CATECHISM. 301 Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I donbt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Fed- eral soldier, and appoint sich a man ez me, must be above sus- picion. I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in ofiGs, propoundin these ques- tions : — 1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may here- after do ? 2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convensliun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now dis- tractid country ? 3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and best- est, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost ? 4. Do yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place re- served in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Tliad Stevens ? 5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso ? 6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris ? 7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are uncon- stooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries ? 8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans un- pleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens nv those properly reconstructed cities ? 9. Are yoo not satisfied that the Afrikin citizens uv Ameri- 302 A PROCESSION. kin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the uni- versal law wich governs labor and capital ? 10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent, uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North ? To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace an took an affidavit to em, for- warded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me. There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich another spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed. The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest state uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers : — Two grocerj" keepers with bottles. Deekin Pogram. Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, " In this Sign we Conker." Wagon with tabloo onto it : A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, " The Nigger where he oughter be." Citizen with bottle. Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner : " We've Regained our Rites." Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun. Two more citizens, wich bed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side. Citizens, two and two, with bottles. Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a state uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich bed bin captoored within the hour. Banner : " My Policy." The perceshun mooved to the ineetin house, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to-wunst organized. The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed THE deacon's speech. 303 friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz -his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that there wood now be a probability, uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixtj'-two cents ('■ Hear ! hear ! ") wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to love him. But thete wuz anuther rea- son why he met to rejoice to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant biznis ; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest ; that he wuz goin to reward his friends — ■ them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums he owes them is a good thing (" Hear ! " "Hear ! " " Troo ! " " Troo ! " with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement ? (" A d — d site ! " shouted one grocery keeper, and " We don't want no moral effect ! " cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President g-oes forth to the South, the price uv Confederit skript will go up, and the shootin uv nig- gers will cease ; for the redempshun uV the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal con- dishun I count ez good ez done. Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that ofEs hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they Were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over ! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risen, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money — Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk 304 bascom's remarks. sich talk. No man cood feel a more hear1>felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez'the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position ? He wood never — The other three grocer}' keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolu- tions : — Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to lend ; therefore, be it Besolved, That we greet the President, and ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence. Besolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government. Besolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal ITe- mocracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America. Besolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Gov- ernment for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody. The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy. Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness uv mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little labor required. Bless their innocent soles ! they went away happy. If* n- ill THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION. 305 Tiie next momin I took possesshun uv the ofiBs. " Am I awake, or am I dreamin ? " thought I. No, no ! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commishnn ! It is troo ! it is troo ! I heerd a child, across the way, singing — " I'd like to be a angel, . And with the angels stand." I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel forsooth ! Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CXII. THE CONVOCATION OF HUNGRY SOULS AT PHILA- DELPHIA. — A DESCRIPTION OF THAT MEMORA- BLE OCCASION BY ONE WHO HAD BEEN PRO- VIDED FOR. Post Offis, Conpedrit X Roads ^ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), \ August 14, 1866. ) Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a eventful life ; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my The famous Philadelphia convention, in 1866, was the most gigantic farce ever played upon the political stage. An old political manager, Randall, en- gineered it, and did his best to make it impress the people, but it was an impossi- bility. The dead politicians of the twenty years previous seized this opportu- nity to air themselves, and their presence was sufficient to kill it. The entrance of Couch of Massachusetts and Orr of South Carolina, arm-in-arm, was in- tended to be a particularly impressive scene, but the people put the proper esti- mate upon the claptrap, and laughed where they should have wept 1 The only effect of the gathering was a loud guffaw from Maine to the Ohio River. Mr. Nasby very accurately describes the personnel of the convention. 20 306 THE PREVALENCE OP THE MILITARY. Looizer Jane it wuz heavenly ; for, independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the pros- peck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with crops, and my dream uv happiness bustid. Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest passed through. I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and hedn't any credentials ; but the door uv the wig- wam I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me ; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose ; but I spect my hevin a gr^y coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, blesg their souls 1 the minnit they saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enutf for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed " this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks ; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amusement. The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He beiu the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE DELEGATES FROM SoUTH KaELINY AND THE DELEGATES FROM Massachoosits wood ENTER ARM IN ARM ! With a slow and measured step they come in ; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin oommenst — and sich cheeriu! Then Doolittle THE DEMOCRATIC BIRD. 307 pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes ; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hanker- cher, and applied it to his eyes. To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life ; not that there wu^ anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself^ ez though he wuz goin thro a highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stifi upper lip over it ; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men — one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv his- self — walked up that aisle ? Wat did I see ? I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the re- union uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest ; Ken- tucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious ; South-west, the strong, active wing ; Virginny, the legs and claws ; Ohio, the heart ; Pennsylvania, the stomach ; South Caroliny, the tail ieathers ; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird, — I saw these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, " Take em both together ; they go in lots." I saw the old Union — the bold, chivelrous Southerner a guidin, controUin, and di- rectin the machine, and assoomin to hisself the place uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the South- erner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em ; the Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when rhirty-lbur States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em ; and ez 1 contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest. " Wat are you blubberin for? " asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a hand- kercher. " I'm a Postmaster," sez I, " and must do my dooty in this 308 WHAT THEY ALL HAD IN THEIR EYES. crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for ? " retorted I. " Are you a Postmaster ? " " No," sez he ; " but I hope to be ; " and he swabbed away with renood vigger. " Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates ? " sez I. " They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he ; and he worked away faster than ever. While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from th« hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anything to him about), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt ; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in Philadelphia, at a Convention, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck ! Here is fatnis ! The Presi- dent into our confidence ! The Postmaster General a runnin the Convention ! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on in the past ! Ah ! my too susceptible sole filled up agin ; the teers started ; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me ; and they bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, " Wat a teohin scene ! over- powered by his feelins." " Yes," sed another : " he deserves a apintment." I didn't go back to the Convention, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose ; and besides, after all the teers that hed been shed, — the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor, — it wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all right ; it couldn't be other- wise. There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambi- A SPECK OP TROUBLE. 309 tion to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun — wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists — couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North ; and both on em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democi-acy South. The Pre.'?ident cood depend on the Democracy Nortli, coz he holds the offices ; the Democracy North cood depen ' on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and preventin em from woUopin their niggers ; the Democracy South cood depend on the President, coz he"must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others to turn the grind-stone. The Southern delegates, some uv em, wuznt so well pleased. " What in thunder," sed one uv em, " did they mean by piUn on the agony over the Yanks we killed ? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt ? " " 'Sh ! " Bed I ; *' easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean it ; or, ef they did, we didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it tn uble that eminent patriot Brecken- ridge, after all the times he swore to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more ? and wood it trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61 ? Nay, verily. Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out ; but a thousand mules, and all uv era old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he's got into doorin the war ; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agiu us ; and by the time he is i^ady to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin ; and the Democ- risy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun. " My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz since killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the 310 THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL TOUR. buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away ; and they histed. But ez they histed, they amused theirselves a droppin earth onto him. ' Shtop ! ' sed he ; but they didn't. ' Shtop ! ' sed he, ' or, be gorra ! I'll cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're droppin onto us for fun ; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and Avhen we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em into the hole." All went off satisfied : the Northern men, for they carried home with em their commishuns ; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor ; for, ef with the show we've got, we can't reelect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M., (wicb is postmaster.. CXIII. THE GEEAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION TO THE TOMB OF DOUGLAS. — FROM WASHINGTON TO DETROIT. At the Biddle House (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), > September the 4th, 1866. \ Step by step I am ascendin the ladder uv fame ; step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washington by that eminently grate and good The famous tour of President Johnson was undertaken ostensibly in response to an invitation to assist in the ceremony of laying the corner stone of a monu- ment to the lamented Stephen A. Douglas, but really its object was to strength- en the Johnson movement. The President believed that his personal presence would stimulate his followers and overawe the opposition. General Grant and Admiral Farragut were invited to join the party in such a way as to make a THE APPOINTMENT OP A CHAPLAIN. 311 man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the pro- posed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose uv arousui the masses uv the West to a sense uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the G-overnment into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. 1 got there too late to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they lied everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The Presi- dent insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. " I am determined," sez he, '' to carry out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got. No, no ! he shel be spared this trip ; indeed he shel." " Very good," said Seward ; " but at least find some clergy- man who endorses us without hevin P. M. to his honored name. It wood look better." " I know it wood," replied Johnson ; " but where kin we find sich a one ? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be." There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the procession started, of removin all the Federal oflSs-holders on the proposed route, and appintin men who bleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a soo1> able recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The Anointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, " Them ez won't sup- port my policy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it. refusal a very unpleasant matter, and the President, who liad a high opinion of his power before popular audiences, expected to convert the crowds which were certain to assemble to see these great warriors. The speeches he made on the trip are scarcely caricatured in the text. It was in this instance, as in the Philadelphia Convention. The ring of office-holders in each town through which the party passed, organised a " tribute " to the President, and the people assembled in masses to do honor to Grant and Farragut, but invariably the President was greeted with unequivocal tokens of disapprobation. The venture was a ludicrous failure, and is fairly described in the text. 312 THE START. " Most High," sez I, " a settin hen wich is lazy makes no iuss ; cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yocr policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moder- itly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothing. Calkulatin moderately, there are at least twenty -five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is to git em, j'oo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individually and collectivelj'. In short, ef there's four offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored four supporters ; till yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em." The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine shood stop. Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal appeararfce, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty. At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at vari- ous battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at Bull Run. The Noo York recepshun wuz ^ gay affair. I never saw His Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat and started. THE PROGRESS. 313 Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and not ez the gre^t Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. li' he takes the papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and lie ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust. Skenactady. — The people uv this delightful little village wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez the President's private adviser — a sort uv private Secretary uv State ; and after the train started, 1 found jest 211 petitions for the Post Offis in Skenactedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots who lied hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. " Thank God ! " thought I. " So long ez we hev the post offices to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the train moved off. Utica. — The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a speech ; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv Douglas ; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fouglit traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch. Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the 314 THE TROUBLE AT CLEVELA^^>. Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received at this pint only 130 petitions for the post ofEce, wich I took ez a bad omen for the comin election. LocKPORT. — The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal the wouiids uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle — At this pint I interrupted bim. I told him that he hed swung around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yoosef'ul ez the phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose. At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due hie station. He commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled " Veto ! " and another vocif- ferated " Noo Orleans ! " and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to di-aw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragnt ez a attraction, who tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cir- kle wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired. At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firiii a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin " Hail to the Chief! " on a mouth organ, all to-wunst. THE PROCESSION OF ONE. 315 " Who are you, my gentle friend ? " sez I. " I'm the newly-appiuted Postmaster, sir," sez he. " I'm a perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir ; but when the oommishn came for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d — n for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?" Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him. At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut wuz trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in bein respected. Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the spark- lin arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the cirkle ; he didn't come to make a speech : he hed bin Alderman uv his native town ; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent ; and ended with a poetickal cotashnn wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez near ez I cood understand, wuz, — " Kum wun, kum all ; this rock shel fly From its firm base — in a pig's eye." Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago. Peteoleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. 316 THROUGH MICHIGAN. CXIV. THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED. — FROM DETROIT TO INDIANAPOLIS. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads j (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ( September 11, 1866. ) I AM at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my oflSshel dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go to bed at nite, feelin that the day hez not bin wasted. Prom Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary : — -, Ipslanty. — At this pint the President displayed that origi- nality and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he wuz Judis Iskaribt who wuz the Saviour ? Thad Stevens ? If so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both ends of the line, I leeve the thirty-six States with thirty-six stars onto em in yoor hands, and — The train wuz off amid loud shouts nv " Grant ! Grant ! " to wich the President respojided by wavin his hat. Ann Arbor. — At this pint the train moved in to the inspir- ing sounds uv a band playin " Hale to the Cheef " Vocifrous cries uv " Grant ! Grant ! " His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It wnz soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, " Hail to the Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U. S. Senator, et settry. The crowd hollered THE ENTHUSIASM OP THE MASSES. ' 317 " Grant ! Grant ! " and the President thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him in his eflbrts to close his eyes on a Union uv thirty-six States and a flag nv thirty-six stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff Davis on the — The conductor cruelly started the train, without givin him time to finish. The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and tlie President waved his hat to em, savin that he thanked em, showin as it did that the people wuz with him: Battle Creek. — A large number was assembled here, who; ez the train stopped, yelled " Grant ! Grant ! " Aff'ected to tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever bed any doubts ez to the people's bein with him, these doubts wuz removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv thirty-six States, and the stars thereto appertainin. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot who wuz — The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved ofl^, to wich the President responded by wavin his hat. Kalamazoo. — The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the people — four offishels and several thousand people, which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant ! Grant ! The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle, he bed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv his- self for the people ! Who wuz the Saviour ? Wuz Thad Stevens ? No ! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv thirty-six stars with thirty-six States onto em, intact and undissevered. The offishels received the Stars and Stripes, and amid cheers for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode off" magestically. And so on to Chicago, where we didn't git off" our speech, though from the. manner in wich the people hollered Grant ! Grant ! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the thirty-six States and the flag with the stars on em, but ez General Logan wuz 318 THE ETHIOPIAN COOKS. there, ready to fling it back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do it. Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger waiters showed how much a Afrikin kin be spiled by bein free. They hed the impudence to refoose to ivait on us, and for a halt hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. " Thank God ! " sed he, " that I vetoed the Freed- men's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town — I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What wonld they do if they hed their rites ? The inci- dent made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me. " My friend," sed he, " taste everything onto this table." " Why ? my liege," sed I. " Niggers is cooks," sed he, " and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend." " But spozn," sed I, " that it shood be pizoned? Wat uv my bowels ? My stumick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo." " Nasby," sed he, " taste ! Ef yoo die, who mourns ? Ef I die, who'd swing around the cirkle ? Who'd sling the flag and the thirty-six stars at the people, who'd leave the^ Constooshn in their hands ? The country demands the sacrifice ; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head." That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted ? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker — to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. 1 wood taste uv every dish and drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in fifteen minits At Detroit the colored voters refused to serve the President. At Indian- apolis his reception was anything but flattering. The excitable people were wrought up to the pitch of replying to him in terms anything but complimen- tary, and the meeting broke up in disorder. The oflfioe-holders made amends, however, for they assembled the next morning, and he made his speech to them. THE OUTRAGE AT INDIANAPOLIS. 319 His serene Highness wood take hold. 1 suffered several deaths. I resoom my diary : — JoLiET. — The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv " Grant ! " " Grant ! " His Potency, the President, promptly acknowl- edged the compliment. He wuz sacrificin hisself tor them — who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman. uv his native town, and Vice-President ; he wuz too modest to make a speech, but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour ? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands the — And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Dim- ocratic country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. " How knowest thou ? " sez he. " I observe," sez I, " in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em : and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo confidently." The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our reception was the most fiatrin uv eny we hev experienced. The people, when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vocifer- ously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat ; and the more he waved it the more compli- mentary the crowd became. " Grant ! " " Grant ! " they yelled ; and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun, and unwilling to expose his health, the President retired with- out slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the peo- ple wuz with him. The next mornin the oflSce-holders uv the State, without the people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President 320 GRATIFIED AT LAST. does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the nitemare. Here 1 left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party somewhere between .Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich 1 shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. CXV- THE END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR. — FROM LOUISVILLE TO WASHINGTON. White Hobse, Washington, D. C, ) September 12, '66. ) I REJiNED the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left Chic9,go, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two thirds uv lUinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristo- crats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yonianry. I seed holes thro the hats uv men ; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the The President's longing for a hearty reception was gratified at Louisville. The people of that city hurrahed for no one else. In that city Grant and Farragut were ignored. A TOUCHING INCIDENT. 321 yov.njrer ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veter- ans, t.n m whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jarkson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a >peech to em, and wavin his hat. With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary : — Louisville. — There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets, " 'Splen 'splay ! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people — mor'n ten million people — moj'n ten 'unerd million people — mor'n ten 'unerd sousand miUion people — and alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me ! " His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is eatirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red, white and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she wuz gettin so .much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to-wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bob- tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my bj-ethren, our regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. Siie saw my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I ^-eturned em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz ; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two handerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the incident to the President, and he wept. 21 322 THE DIARY CONTINUED. There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a company iiv solgers uv the late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed bin mustered out, with this motto: "We are willin to go tl)e other leg for A. Johnson." Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription : " What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots." The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that Ke found traitors on the Southern sid^ uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully. Cincinnati. — A very enthoosiastic recepshun — continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President, to wich His Highness answered that they wuz considrit — they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how there cood be more variety. " At Cincinnati," sed he, " I observed the followin order : — " 1. I swung around the cirkle ; 2. I asked who wuz the Saviour efrl wuz Joodis Iskariot ? 3. I left the Constitooshn, the thirty-six States, and the flag with thirty-six stars onto it, in their hands. " Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly : — " 1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars. 2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis. 3. Swingin around the cirkle. " At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows : — " 1. Joodis Iskariot; 2. Swingin around the cirkle ; 3. Consti- tooshn, flag, and stars. " And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose." Johnstown, Pa. — A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz four hundred voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He con- A SPONTANEOUS TRIBUTE. 323 sidered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheard the remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the purpose. Mifflin, Pa. — A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez the " Preserver uv the Union." The Presi- dent thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he desired. Baltimoee. — There wiiz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying to lis. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachu- setts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. " Things is bec.omin normal," sed he, " when the people will stand that. Wat love ! — wat unity ! The flags uv both see- shuns, wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin me." At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round, the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demon- strashen to greet the President on his arrival wuz immense. The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The President asked if he wuz Joodis Iscariot Avho wuz the Saviour — told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, thougli sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North ; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the thirty-six States, and the flag with thirty-six stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do 324 AT HOJUE AGAIN. his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided friends South. So ended the Presidential excursion. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. • (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. P. S. I forgot to menshun that, at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory. P. V. N. CXVI. AT HOME AGAIN. — A DETAILED ACCOUNT OF SOUL-HARROWING OUTRAGES INFLICTED UPON THE PEOPLE OF CONFEDERATE x ROADS BY A PARTY OP FREEDMBN, AND HOW THE INSULT WAS WIPED OUT. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ^ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ( September 16, 1866. J I FOUND my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I was told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back uv the Corners, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from one grocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of this settlement had all been in the the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and bounty, and .sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was denied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred acres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a store- keeper at the Corners who come here from Illinoy, and who SPEECHES BY THE BRETHREN. 325 hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspiii ez to buy theii* prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed. These accursed sons and daughters uv Ham wuz a livin there in comfort. The thing wuz a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on ; and the females in dresses, and hoops under em ; in short, these apes liedassoomed so mucli uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, the}' wood have passed for folks. Our people hecome indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, 1 was requested to call a meetin to consider the matter, which 1 uv course did. The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, excepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly and elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered His Serene Highness, Ahdroo the I., all the way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the brethren to ease their mind. Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the most profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em coming to the Corners, dressed better than his farnily dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land to that wretch — At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire proceeded. — he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found that one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hun- dred and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money than he had made sense the accursed Linkin passed the emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soul wuz the fact that wun uv them niggers wuz his nigger. " The money they hev," pursood the Squire, " is my money ; that man worth $1500 is my man ; his wife is my woman ; her children my children — " " That's a literal fact ! " shouted Joe Bigler, a drunke^j, re- turned Confederate sojer ; " they hev yoor nose exactly, and they're the meanest yaller brats in the settlement." 326 POLLQCK ADVISES THE RESULT, This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resulted in the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he~woodn't lend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin. Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggers alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, 'their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He' wood say — Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ez them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom's grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then a dollar in monej'. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and — He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four or five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in the discussion uv a great Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask't the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproari- ous. Bascom alluz gets applause ; he knows how to move an audience. Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Gar- rettstown, meditatin, as he went, on the sermon he hed listened to that mornin on tlie necessitj' uv the spread of the Gosj;il. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he didn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger settle- ment, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a site wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz -wunst his nigger, — wich Linkin deprived him uv, — settin under his porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his child to readmit ! " Kin this be endoored ? " the Deekin asked. Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony A RECONSTRUCTION MOVEMENT. 327 agin these disturbers. They hed — he knowd whereof he spoice — hired a female woman from Massachusetts to teach their cliildren ! He hed bin in their skool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it. Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuz convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell the produx of their lands ; do they leave tiieir money at his bar? Nary ! They spend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illiuoy, who is here inter- ferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seed one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believed suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes tliey'r agin us. No man who, dodges my bar ever votes straight Dimocrisy. Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to-wunst proceed to the settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of course, ez they were heathens and savages, , sich goods ez they hed wood fall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen. The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store- keeper, and it wuz to-wunst acted upon. Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin our people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees^ and brought South by Yankees, there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv em, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein a distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em ; gittin em gratooitusly took the cuss off. Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zeal manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich filled me with joy onspeekable. The nig- gers wuz routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed first, coz we hed no use for em ; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and bed- 328 AN UNENDURABLE OtTTlAGE. dirt, wuz distributed. A woman hed tJie impudence to beg for suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettin his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz com- pleted. A nigger hed raised his hand agin a white man ! The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minnit the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuz spared, for they wuz still )oung, and not hevin bin taught to read so far that they cood not ibrgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they kin be bi'ought up in tlieir proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word " brethern," in this connection, figeratively. The nigger,, bein a beast, cannot be our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, but what else cood we hev dorte ? We are high toned, and can't stand everything. These niggers hed no rite to .irritate us by their presence. Thej knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by bujnn land and remainin in the vicinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, thej' brought their fate onto their own heads. Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the North yisterday. It speeks well for the forbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn. THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION. 329 CXVII. IS REQUESTED TO ACT AS CHAPLAIN OF THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION. — THAT BEAUTIFUL ■ CITY VISITED FOR THAT PURPOSE. Post Offis, Confeduit X Roads (widi is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ' September 20, 1866. ) I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at the Post OfiSs, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv thirty-six States, and who hev sworn allegiance to a fiag with thirty-six stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and life-long friend and co-laborer. Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshnn, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so stated; but Seward remarked, with a , groan, that ef ever there wuz a party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that party. " And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, " ef yoo hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uV extra fervency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself particularly on Custer ; tho', after all," continyood he, in a musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, " the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held 'sponsible for what he's doin ; and the balance uv em. The President desired particularly the indorsement of tlie soldiers, and to that end a convention of officers of the war of the rebellion was called at Cleveland, Ohio. It was a failure quite as ludicrous as any of its predecessors. The officers who participated were, with a few exceptions, those who had left the service under a cloud, or those who desired position. General Wool, then in his dotage, was induced to preside. Custar, who, nhrvo all thi/igs, desired the colonelcy of a cavalry regiment, which he afterwards got, lent his name to il, and so on, ad nauseam. Like every movement made by the President, tliis con- vention was the cause of a laugh from one end of the country to the other. 330 THE SOLDIERS IN ATTENDANCE. good Hevens ! they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on suthin about " sixty days " and " ninety days," paying no more attention to the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at ail. So, receevin transportashen and sufficient money from the secret service fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant remem- brances. -Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vocifer- ous, with nary a snort for His Eggslency ; there wuz where the peasantry laft in his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag uv thirty-six stars onto it to a deestrick assessor ; there wuz — but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I en- doored it ; suffice to say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank Street, in Cleveland, the scene uv the most awful insult the Executive ever receeved* The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin ; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed dis- tinguished theirselves in the late war, but who , hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho' why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank ! Then I knowd all about it. There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amused me. Them ez wuz pi'esent wuz divided into two THEIR ENTHUSIASM. 33 ' classes — those ez lied bin recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sicli ez I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard week's work ; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble Presi- dent, and damned the Ablishnists with more emphasis and fervency than the others. One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign, " jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. " Gently, my frend," sed I, " gently ! I hev bin thro' this thing : I hev my commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo ; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a miimit sooner for it." " It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. " I hev devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country — " " Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds ? " murmured I. " And ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village, — which I hev bin solicited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded, — I do it only that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the thirty-six States to their normal posishens under the flag with thirty-six stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots which, ef I am whom, wat is the Saviour, and — and where is — " Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle ' uv a quotashen from the speeoh uv our ngble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence " Be quiet, yoo idiot ! " remarked I, soothingly, to him. " Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo ; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit ?.32 A PRISONER SECURED. " Good Lord ! " tho't I, ez I turned away, " wat a President A. J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle ! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness turns my sturamick ! " It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed ; whereupon Kernel K , who is now Collector uv Kevenue in lUinoy, askfed ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, eighteen months in doorance vile, in three different prizns. Custar fell on his nock, and asked h'im, agitatidly, ef he wuz shoor — quite shoor, after suflferin all that, that he supported the policy uv the President? Are you quite shoor — quite shoor? " I am," returned the phenomenon. " I stand by Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office ! ! " " Hev yoo got wun ? " shouted they all in korus. " Nary ! " sed he. " With me it is a matter uv principle ! " " Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in ? " asked I, lookin at him with wonder. " Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's Island ! " Custar dropped him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very healthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother ; yet, as the call didn't quite inc'lood him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained. The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv ; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to ac- commodate the expected crowd, and quite an animated dis- cussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General Ewing made another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned for dinner. L 11.; N I : THE EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEECHES. 333 The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to prepare a address ; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy ; wen the Chairman remarked " Resolushens," wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c. I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I wuz keeper uv the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peace after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one could hold sich a offis ; in vain 1 ashoored em that I hed no influence with His Majestj-. Two thirds, uv em pulled applica- shens for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insisted on my takin em, and seein that they wuz appinted. I told em that I cood do nuthin for em ; but they laft me to skorn. " You are jist the style uv man," said they, " who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way 1 took. Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Ciiaplin to the expedishn. P. S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean shirt in it, at least, li contained, to my disgust, an address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv 334 A MOVING APPEAL. resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a coUectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically. — ^KJ^v^BE^'©a&i^4K — CXXI. "WILL YOU HAVE ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING?" — A DREAM, IN WHICH ANDREW JOHNSON FIGURES AS A KING, SURROUNDED BY HIS NOBLES. CoNPEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), } October 24. 18fi6. \ Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther ain't anything gross 6r sensual about me that I know u v. Troo 1 eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, M'ich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too ethereal for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imagina- A DREAM. 347 shun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'I lite — to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun — pork brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster — it comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like- our commishuns. — in short, 1 recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat -pork. It's ther nateral diet. Last nite 1 partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence^ didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville consolation the while), 1 wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson Presi- dent or King, and while musin I fell into the arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormi- tory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become sudden- ly upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall, became alive. 1 comprehended the situation to-wunst. An- DEOO Johnson had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, and lied carried out his Policy to its nateral concloo- sion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv Androo the I., and I wuz (in my dream uv course) in his kingly halls. It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones — onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the ofSs uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies ; while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance. 348 THE NOBILITY. Carriages containin the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberhn uv the Pahs, the Markis von Kandall, announct em. " Dooli de Davis ! " was • ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. " Earl von Toombs," " Sir Joseph E. Joiniston," " Markis de Boregard," " Count de Pollard," and so forth. Noticin that the titles 1 hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Wells, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that Northerners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt our- selves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz chivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich — they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. North- ern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to bask in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted tlieir capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfac- tion uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each on four eggs, and he h ped in the course uv two years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsi- bility, and one wicli weighed upon him. Seward wnz priv}' counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very well indeed. By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon. " What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire ? " sed His Highness. " We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the presence, that we may make merry over em." " It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and fortliwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable fookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips WHAT HAD BEEN DONE. 349 wiiz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick Yates and Governor Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, " The last uv the Tribunes ; " at wich Raymond, who left the Radikles and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of the Court Journal, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed, " Bring in Thad Stevens ! " at wich His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote together. " Don't, don't ! " sez he ; " he's strength enufi' left to wag his tongue. Keep him away ! keep him away ! " and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes. Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. General Grant wuz in exile, and General Sheri- dan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the'new arrangement. The country hed bin divided^nto dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich tlie nobility rooled with undis- pooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Con- gressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility wnzn't content with anytliin less than Guvners. The indebt- edness uv the South to tlie North hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants wlio shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the Democratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the people ; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done b}' foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses. My dream didn't continyoo long enufll' for me to ascertain whethei' I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion tliat I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into General 350 A CABINET MEETING. Butler to make him roar for the amoozemeut of the company, addressed me ez " Yoor Grace," from wliich 1 inferred that 1 wuz one of the Lords spiritooal. Unfbrtunitly at this pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed van- ished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not " Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village ! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo ; but I hev wat soots me better — whisky fresh from the still. Yet my dream may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with credit, '^ho knows ? Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). — M>®^«&%@ November 16, 1866. 5 When the news uv the result of the lUinoy election reached the Corners, there wuz a feelin uv oneasmess wich was trooly affectin ; but when the crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, there wuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee's surrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some of the other States, but we bed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backih by the peo- ple, and consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But that hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only one who hed sufEshent stamina to preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post OfEs. Elections can't take that from me : it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen can't wash away, thank the Lord ! for ef they cood, how many uv us wood to-day be holdin our places ? Still, 1 felt over- whelmed, and sorrowfully I entered Bascom's. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears flowin from their vener- able eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and a few others of the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and stood afore the bar ; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed down with grief, sot out the invigorator ; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, and still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payiu, Bascom bein too full uv sorrer to notis it. It wuz deemed proper, in a view uv the great calamity, that services shood be held in the church, and at 2 P. M. — wich with us mite be said to mean post mortem — we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance in site bein that uv a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over the head for lookin happy. 356 A SERVANT UNTO HIS BRETHREN. I gave out the hymn, — " Broad is the road wich leeds to death,'' — and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, and I got nay feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins ; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride ; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed become vainglorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv their brethren ; and here I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men. " My breth- ren," sed I, " them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz oust by Noar, wat wuz that cuss ? ' He shel be a servant unto Ms brethren.' Not unto strangers ; not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but unto his brethren ! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers be our breth- ren ? 0, my brethren ! we wuz obliged to do these things, that the Skripters mite be fulfilled ; and to the credit uv the Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv that dooty. The per cent, uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithful Kentucky hez bin." But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit em for their normal and skriptural condishen ; but these is not all. My brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get the township Bible, and search till yoo find this yer text : " And no man putteth new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled." My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course ; and the most uv em may be considered old ones. We OLD CLOTH ON A NEW GARMENT. 357 hev actid as bottles, carrying about flooids — not percisely wine, but the modern substitoot therefor — from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine ? The Ablishnists wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy ; so wuz they. New wine fizzes ; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit ; so hed they. New wine is unreliable ; so wuz they. At Phila- delphy the puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accom- plished ; at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy, wich be- leeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the necks uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishnism, and we mingled our teers together ; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter fulfilled. And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's huntin up that text, keep on till yoo find another, to wit : — " No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that flUeth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse." My bearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. 0, why wuzn't we content to wear it ? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue ; we put onto the back, Seward ; onto the knees, Eandall ; onto the shoulders. Cowan ; and onto the seat, Johnson ; and they wuz stitched together with Post Offisis. But it didn't hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled ; the old cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell ofl", somewhat dirtied, and takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily in the cold wind. My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev ? 358 THE CONCLUSION. Wat wuz the sence uv our askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich bed, doorin the war, drafted their sons ? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooahnel Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel Bank wuz still the ishoo ? Wat wuz, the yoose uv lettin go our holt on nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the Democrisy, — its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv comprehension, and emi- nently adapted to the Democratic intelleck, — and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years afore they begin to comprehend em ? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles ? — uv patchin old cloth with new? Let us be warned, and never repeet the fatle error. The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadlj', but ez they gathered at Bascom's to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible improvement in their temper. Bascom his- self bussled around lively ; Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs, but ez he didn't hev an ijee that the prohibishen extended to new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened his- self very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). THE LITTLE GAME OP DEAW. 359 OXXIV. THE AMNESTY TROrOSITION. — THE CROSS ROADS MADE THE VICTIM OF A CRUEL HOAX. CoNFEDRiT X KoADS (wich is ill the Stait uv Kentucky), ) December 3, 1866. \ I NEVER wuz SO elevated, nor never so cast down, in my life, ez last nite, and the entire Corners wuz ditto. The circum- stances uv the case wuz ez follows : Me and a party uv friends wuz a playin draw poker with a Noo York commershel travler, I believe they call em, a feller with a mustash and side whis- kers, wich comes South a talkin secesh and a sellin goods. He made some inquiries about the standin uv the deelers at the Corners, and wuz, arter sed inquiries, eggstreemly anxious to sell em goods, for cash. They wanted em on ninety days' time, and on this they split. He agreed with em in principle — he drank to Jeff Davis, and damned Linkin flooently — but on the cash question he wuz inflexible and unmovable. To while away the rosy hours, a knot of choice sperits, him inclooded, gathered in the Post Orfis, to enjoy a game uv draw poker. There wuz me and Square Gavitt, and Deekin Pogram, and Elder Slathers, and the Noo York drummer. We played till past the witchin hour of 12 M., when graveyards yawn and gosts troop forth — when the New Yorker suckumd. His innocent, unseasoned bowels hedn't bin eddicated up' to the standard uv Kentucky whiskey, wich, ns^w ez we drink it, is pizen to foreigners. The Deekin and Elder grabbed the stakes wich wuz onto the table, and rifled his pockets on the suspishen that he wuz a Ablishinist, and rolled him out, and while in the very act. Pollock, the lUinoy storekeeper, cum rushin in, a.skin us ef we'd heerd the news. We ansered yoonanimusly that we hedn't. " I'm jist in from Looisville," sed he ; "I jist rode over from the stashen. Looisville is in a blaze uv glory ! " The rebels of the Southern States desired nothing so much as relief from the disabilities enforced upon them as the result of their crime, expecting that through amnesty they would find some way of regaining control of their former slaves. 360 ME JOY WHICH PILLED THE CORXEES. "Wat," sez 1, " hez Sumner killed Tliad Stevens and im- tnejitly committed sooicide ? '' " Nary," sez lie,- " but Johnson and Congress liev cum to- gether on the basis uv universal Amnesty, Avicli wuz proclaimed yesterday, to be follered by universal suffrage ez soon ez the South kin conveniently do it. They hev met and embraced on Horris Greely's plan." Deekin Pogram bust into a hysterical laff, and in his joy handed me the proceeds uv his explorashen uv the pockets uv the Nog Yorker, and like a blessed old lunatic broke for the meetin-house. In a moment or two the bell pealed forth its joyous notes, and in a minit more the half-dressed villagers vuz seen emergin from their respective domiciles in all stiles uv attire. A few minits sufficed to make them understand wat wuz the occasion uv the uproar, and a more enthoosiastic popu- lation never woke the ekkoes. Afore five minutes hed rolled off into eternity, ther wuz a bonfire blazin on the North side uv the square, the sed bonfire bein a nigger skool-house wich the Preedmen's Commishn hed erected, and wich our enthoo- siastic citizens hed in their delirium uv joy set fire to. It was emblematic. The smoke ez it rolled to the South methawt assoomed the shape uv a olive branch — the cry uv the nigger children wieh coodent escape, symbolized their desertid con- dishn, and the smell uv em, ez they roasted, wuz like unto incense, grateful to our nostrils. A informal meetin wuz to-wunst organized by the lite of the burnin ekool-house, to wich Deekin Pogram addressed hisself He remarked that this wuz a solemn occasion, so solemn indeed that he felt inadekate to express the feelins wich filled him. His mouth wuzn't big enough to give vent to his sole, though ef he didn't he'd bust. "Wat are we met for to-nite, my friends?" sed he; "wat calls us together? Wherefore these sounds uv joy — wherefore this fire, and wherefore is Bascom sellin likker at lialf price ? Becoz we are rehabilitated — that's wat we are. Becoz the North hez gone into the olive branch bizness agin, and we hev wunst more our rites. We are am- nestied. We kin vote — we kin go to Congress — we are agin citizens uv the great Republic." Pollock, the lUinoy storekeeper, riz and begged permishn to MODERATE QUALIFICATIONS. . 361 say a word. He protested agin these doins. He understood, akkordin to Horris Greely's plan, that universal suffrage wuz t6 follow universal amnesty — why then this makin John Rod- gerses uv the niggers ? Wuz the South a goin to act in good faith ? Deekin Pogram replied : The South never yit broke plighted faith save when she cood make suthin by so doin. At this present junkter uv affairs he preaoomed the South w-ood extend, not precisely universal suffrage to the niggers, but the way wood be opened to em. Sich a mass uv ignorance cood never be trusted with the ballot without preparashen, and to prepare em wood be a overturnin the Kentucky theory, that the nigger is a beast, and the Northern Demokratic idea that the nigger wuz cust by Noer and doomed forever to be a slave. "The gentleman from Illinoy will to-wunst perceive the fix we are in. They ain't fit for the ballot now, and ef we make em so, it overturns our theory, wich we can't do. Still we propose to be just to em. We shel give sich uv em the ballot ez are sufEshently intellijent, and shel not put the standard too high. We shel give every wun uv em the ballot who is able to reed the Greek testament flooently and pass a credible ex- aminashen in Latin, embroidery. French, German, English Grammar, and double-entry book-keepin. The path to the polls, yod see, is open to em. Uv course we can't be expectid to tolerate skool-houses for em, coz that wood raise em above their normal condishen. Also, ther must be proper regulashens con- trollin em, for, my deer sir, they are mere infants, and ther totterin steps on the road to freedom needs directing. Society is a compromise in wich every one resigns ez much uv his persnel liberty ez the good uv the hull may demand. We count ourselves the hull, and the resinin uv persnel liberty must come from them. " That nigger," sed he, pintin to wun wich the joyous citizens wuz stringin up to Bascom's sign-post, "that nigger is a resinin his persnel freedom for the good of the hull. No doubt in his heart he murmurs, and ef the cord wich is chokin him cood be loosened, he wood repine. It is rough on him ; but the sooperiority uv the Caucashn race must be — My God ! it's one uv my niggers ! Stop 1 Bascom, stop ! " ejakilated the Deekin, but it wuz too late. The nigger wuz 362 THE DEACON CONTINUES. already black in the face and hed ceased to kick, and the Deekin, heavin a sigh, perceeded. " We shel scroopulousl}' regard their rites. They shel hev the rite to buy land, and be in all respecks like us, ez soon ez they kin be trusted. Till then they will hev to be restrained. There must be laws prohibitin em from receivin more than $4.50 per month, that they may not become bloated aristocrats and pampered sons uv luxury — the proper development of the country, and likewise the payment of the Confedrit debt, requires manuel labor, wich we wuz never edjucated to do, and therefore the good of the whole requires that they shel resigne their persnel liberty so fur ez to be confined to the plantashuns, onto which they hev engaged to laber, that they may relijusly do sed laber, which is cleerly nessary, for yoo see ef I hire* a nigger in Janooary, I must not be exposed to the chances uv his quittin me in July. But wat more kin they want ? They are free to ez great a extent ez the good of society will permit. We shel give em qualified suffrage, fixin, uv course, wich is just, the qualifibations ourselves, and bein valyooable members of society, hereafter we shel care fur em, so long ez they are healthy — Good Lord, why will them cusses persist in hangin up able-bodied niggers when there's so many old ones around, good for nuthin but to celebrate with ? " and to save another wun uv his former servants, the Deekin closed abruptly. It is onnecessary to recount the further doins uv the nite. There wuz a skool-house and church, recently erected, burnd, with some skore or sich a matter uv young niggers in em, which wuz too young to be of any yoose, save one girl, wich wuz neerly white and almost fifteen, wich ought to hev bin reskood, and five, ef 1 counted correctly, able-bodied men and wimin wuz hung. Bascom sold out his stock entirely, and by 3 A. M. the entire inhabitance uv the Corners wuz a layin around the square, in festoons. There wuz a bitter awakenin to this scene uv festivity. At a little after 7, while the Deekin, the Elder, and myself wuz in Bascom's tryin to get an assuager — and the best we cood do wuz to pour a quart uv water into a barrel wich hed bin emp- tied, and roll it around and thus flavor it — Captain McPelter, late uv Morgan's cavalry, cum in from Looisville. Eagerly we A SOUTHERN COLLEGE. 363 asked him the confirmation uv the tidins, when he informed us that it wuz a hoax — that no such thing had been done, nor wuz Congris in any sich a noshen. Pollock dropped in, and when I reproached him with his dooplioity, he ansered that it wuz a hoax, but he hoped we'd excpose him. He bed a cravin desire to see whether ef Amnesty and Suifrage shood be adopted, how fur we'd go in the latter direction. He wuz satisfied, and hoped we'd forgive him the pleasant jest. He'd made the Corners lively one nite, any how. I wuz too pro- foundly disgusted to reply to the wretch. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is postmaster). cxxv. MR. NASBY PROJECTS A COLLEGE. CoNFEDRiT X EoADS (wich IS in the Stait uv Kentucky), } December 9, 1866. \ Square Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and myself wuz in the Post Offis last nite, wich, next to Bascom's, hez got to be the cheef resort uv the leading iritellex uv the Corners, a talkin over matters and things, when the Deekin happened to menshun that next week his second son, Elijer, who hez intelleck into him, was a goin to start for Michigan to enter a college. "Wat!" sed I, " do yoo perpose to send that noble yooth, Elijer Pogram, to a Ablishn State, to enter a Ablishn college, to suck his knollege from a Ablishn mother ? Good Heavens ! Frailty, thy name is woman." [I hedn't any ijee that this last remark wuz appropos, but it sounds well, and I hev hotist that it don't make much diiference wat the cotashun is, so ez yoo end a remark with a cotashun.] A large number of colleges were established in the South, for no other apparent purpose than to furnish employment for the officers of the Confederate army. But few of them got farther than the issuing of a prospectus. 364 THE deacon's idea of education. The Deekin remarked that it wuz painful ; but the fact wuz, Elijer must hev a ejucashen. He didn't bleeve in ejucashen, generally speekin. The common people wuz better off without it, ez ejucashen hed a tendency to unsettle their minds. He hed seen the evil effex uv it in niggers and poor whites. So soon ez a nigger masters the spellin book and gits into noose- papers, he becomes dissatisfied with his condishn, and hankers after a better cabin and more wages. He to-wunst begins to insist onto ownin land hisself, and givin his children ejucashen, and, ez a nigger, for our purposes, ain't worth a soo markee. Jes so with the poor whites. He knowd one meloncolly in- stance. A poor cuss up toards Garrittstown, named Ramsey, learnt to read afore the war, and then commenst deterioratin. For two years he refoozed to vote the Dimocratic ticket, then he blossomed out into a Ablishnist, and tried to make the others uv his class discontented by tellin uv em that Slavery wuz wat kept them down, and finally, after pashense ceased to be a vir- choo, and we tarred and fethered him one nite for a incendiary, he went to Injiany. That cuss cum back here, doorin the late onpleasantniss, kernel of a regiment, wich he campt on my farm and subsisted em off it. Sum ejucashen is, how ever, nessary. I design Elijer for Congris, and he must hev it. He's a true Pogram, and nothin will strike in wich kin hurt him. " Why not," sez I, " that the Southern j'ooth may be properly trained, start a College uv our own ? Why, Deekin, run risks uv hevin the minds uv our young men tainted with heresy?" The entire company wuz struck with the idea, and it wuz earnestly canvassed, and finally decided upon ; and I wuz deppytized to start it, wich 1 immejitly did. The name by wich the new college is to be known is " The Southern Classikle, Theologikle, and Military Institoot uv Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky)." The college grounds is to comprise one hundred akers taken from corners uv the farms uv Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and Capt. McPelter, wich ground they sell the college, seein it's for that purpose, for $300 per aker. The faculty will be, ef we kin sekoor em, composed uv these trooly great minds : — Genril Forrest, late C. S. A., Professor uv Moral Philosophy. THE FACULTY. 365 Kernell Mosby, late C. S. A., Professor uv Rhetoric and Belles Lettres. Capt. McGeej late C. S. A., Professor uv Natural Sciences. Genril Magruder, late C. S. A., Professor uv watever is under- stood by thein ez is posted in college matters ez Glassies, wich I shel look up ez soon ez I have time. This is a killin two birds with one stun. We not only per- vide ejucashen, wich is safe for our young men, but we pervide comfortable places for the heroes uv the late on- pleasantniss. In addition to these, Deekiu Pogram, Square Gavitt, and my- self, each pledged ourselves to endow a Professorship in the Theologikle Department, to be known by our names, and we to hev the appintin uv the Professors. The Pogram Chair uv Biblikle Theolog}' will be offered to Rev? Henry Cla}' Dean, uv Iowa, provided he will stipulate to wash his feet wunst per quarter, and change his shirt at least twice per annum. The Gavitt Chair uv Biblikle Literatoor will be offered to Rev. C. Chauncy Burr, uv Noo York, The Nasby Chair uv Biblikle Politicks will be filled by Rev. Petroleum Vesoovius Nasby, whose eminent fitness for the place is undispooted. In the Scientific and Classikle Departments the text-books will be keerfully revised, and everything uv a Northern or levelin tendency will be scroopulously expergated. In the Theologikle Department speshl attenshun will be given to the highly nessary work uv preparin the stoodents for comin out strong on the holinis uv Slavery, and to this end the three years' course will be devotid thus : — 1st year — To the cuss uv Noer. 2d year — To provin that the Afrikin nigger wuz reely the descendants uv Ham. 3d year — Considerin the various texts wich go to show that Afrikin slavery is not only permitted by the skripters, but especially enjoined. I shell myself lectur, from time to time, on Ham, Hager, and 366 THE COLLEGE COURSE. Onesimus, that the bearins uv these individboals upon our sys- tem may be fully understood, and also on sich subjects ez the inflooense uv stimulatin flooids upon the human system, the cat-o'-nine-tails ez a evangelizer, aud sich other topics ez may from time to time sejest themselves. The young men confided to our care will receive not only a solid collegiate educashun, ez it is understood at the North, but careful attention will be paid to the accomplishments so nessary to the troo Southern gentleman. They will be taught draw poker, pitchin dollars (real Spanish dollars will be pro- vided for the purpose), spittin at a mark, revolver and bowie knife practice, tournament ridin at rings (real injy rubber rings will be provided — this'll be extra), and cat>o'-nine-tails. The morals uv the stoodents will be scroopulously looked after. No card-playin will be allowed afore servis on Sunday, and none whatever with the servants. They will be taught to respeck themselves. Uv course, there will hev to be a large outlay uv money, wich it stands to reason can't be outlayed till it's inlayed. We, therefore, formed an Executive Committee, whose dooty it wuz made to solissit funds for this purpose, and to inaugerate a series uv Gift Enterprises, and sich, wich is ez follows : — Deekin Pogram, President. Elder Slathers, Vice-President. Capt. McPelter, Corresponding Secretary. Myself, Financial Secretary and Treasurer. The high standin uv the Board, particklerly the Treasurer, wich hez the handlin uv the funds, is a suffishent guarantee that all money subscribed will be faithfully applied. It wuz resolved, in order that the Board may present that respectable appear- ance wich their posishen demands, that the first funds reseeved should be applied to the purchis uv each uv em a new soot uv clothes, a step, I am confident, the friends uv southern edu- cashen will approve uv and heartily endorse. I hev. hopes in the course uv a week to report progress. Every subscriber uv $2.50 and upwards, will hev a Honorary Professorship named after him, or will be made a Honorary Member uv the Board uv Directors, ez he chooses. We hev THE DEATH OF JOHN GUTTLE. 367 high hopes uv a libral support from the Dimocrisy North. They cannot but realize the dangers uv sendin their sons to sich institooshens uv learnin North ez must turn em out AbHsh- nists, or chill, at least, the ardor uv their Dimocrisy. It is to be hoped that contributions for the buildin uv the institooshen and its proper endowment will be commenst immejitly, ez there is a mbrgage on Deekin Program's farm, and I am in pressin need uv a substarishel soot uv winter clothes. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CXXVI. ME. NASBY TRIES TO WEEP AT THE TOMB OF A FRIEND. Post Offis, Conpedrit X Roads ■\ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ? December 15, 1866. > I heerd, nearly two months ago, that my old friend, John Guttle, uv Mobeel, hed departed this life, and gone to that other and better world where the wicked cease from troublin and the weerj' are at rest, and wuz profoundly shocked. John Guttle wuz my friend, and I much feer his like I ne'er shall look upon agin. He wuz a Democrat uv the old skool, one uv the few links wich remaned to connect the present generation with the past. Well do I remember the glorious old man ! How often hev I sat in the square room in his country resi- dence, and drunk whisky and water with him till we neither on us could see a hole thro a forty-foot ladder ; how many times hez he flogged niggers for my amoozment, to show me the proper way uv managin uv em ; and how many times hez he lent me small sums uv money, varyin from five to thirty-one dollars, akkordin to the state uv mellernis he wuz in when I approached him on the delikit subjik ! Alas ! poor John Gut- tle. Let not the skoffer say that I regret his death becoz his 368 THE GUTTLE FAMILY. sons will be apt to try and collect the notes the old man departed holds uv mine ! No, no ! they know me too well to waste any time on that. I mourn becoz I loved him, and becoz nv the misfortunes which druv him to a prematoor grave. A. Linkin is responsible for this dark shadder onto my path- way. John Guttle hed three hundred niggers on his plantashens and in his house in town — these wuz wrencht from him by the Proclamashen, and turned out from his paternal care to starve, which the most uv em are industrously doin at $3 per day. He hed em uv all hues — there wuz the full-blooded Black, the disgustin Mulatter, the pleasant Quadroon, the beautiful Octo- roon, and them which hed so nearly lost the cuss of Ham ez to be hardly distinguishable from the pure Caucashun ; and it wuz noticeable that the nearly white niggers on the Guttleses plantation wuz all beautiful. The Guttleses theirselves wuz perfeck specimens uv manly beauty, and it probably hed its effeck upon the blacks. The nigger is a imitative animal. It wuz this robbin uv him uv his property — this overturnin uv the normal condishn uv things — which killed John Guttle. He never held up his head after the Proclamashen, but faded away like a frostid flower ! I wuz in Mobeel last week on biznis connected with our college (it wuz solisitin funds to endow my Professorship), and I felt that I cood not leave the sity without droppin a dozen teers or sich onto the grave. I fielt, ez he hed contribbitted at various times so much to moisten my clay, that it wood be ungentlemanly not to do suthin toward moistenin hizzen. And in pursuance uv my resolve, I wended my way sadly to the cemetary, and, findin the tomb, struck an attitood uv dispair, and leanin pensively onto the monument, strove, to the best uv ray ability, to weep, but it wuz a futile endeavor. My eyes woodent give down. I strove to recall his virchoos, but sich is the weaknis uvhuman nacher that whenever his form rose in my memory, my mind involuntarily wandered to his whiskey, and my mouth would water to sich an extent ez to monopolize all the moisture in my sistem. I cood hev spit onto his grave, but weep I cood not. Alas for poor humanity 1 When I wuz a standin there tryin to weep, and makin bad work uv it, I notist three beautiful young ladies approachin. THE MEETING OP THE DAUGHTERS. 369 witl) baskets ov hot-house flowers a hangin onto their arms. I rec ;'^nized em to-wunst. They were John Guttle's daugh- ters, aiiJ tliey wuz a comin to strew flowers onto the grave uv their patera )1 ancestor on their father's side. It wuz a techin site; and feelin tliat I wuz a introoder, not bein a blood rela- shun, and only connected with the deceest by notes uv hand, I withdrew a short distants. Skasely hed they got to the tomb, when from the other side approached three more ravishinly beautiful young ladies, with baskits uv hot-house flowers onto their arms. The last ones resembled in a strikin manner the fust ones, exceptin the)' wuz a shade darker, and their hare waved bootiful, whereas the hare uv the fust wuz perfeckly strate. The two parties faced each other on opposite sides uv the toom, and party Number One glared fiercely' at party Number Two. " Lize ! Flora ! Jane ! " sed the oldest uv party Number One, " wat are yoo doin here ? " " Sisters," sed the eldest uv party Number Two, " we're here dischargin a fillyel dooty. Beneeth these sod lies the remains uv our father, and we are goin to strew these flowers onto his toom. Jine us in the strew." " Father ? " shreeked the three uv party Number One. " Yoor all niggers, and wuz servants unto — " " Our half-sisters," sed the spokesman uv party Number Two ; " but Linkin removed the cuss uv Ham, and we're now free, and hev as, much rite to strew the grave uv our common parient, which wuz John Guttle, ez j'oo. ! our sisters, our father wuz a good man — ■ let us bedew his grave with our teers and — " " Wat impudence ! " shreeked party Number One, all in korious. " Impudence yoorself ! " retorted partv Number. Two, getting red in the face. " We are John Guttleses daughters percisely ez much ez yoo, and the only advantage yoo hev over us is in the article of mothers. Yoo three hev wuu, which wuz John Guttleses wife, while we three hev three — one apiece eggs- ackly — which wuz John Guttleses servants ; but we can't, nevertheless, stifle our emoshuns. I shel command myself, and thus perceed to perform a act uv fillyel dooty." 24 370 THE WRECK THAT ENSUED. And she histed out the flowers and commenced to streAv. The tother wuns wuz a gettin hot. The oldest wun cood stand this impudence no longer, and droppin her basket, went for her, followed by her sisters. It wuz a sperited conflict, and lasted perhaps four minits, or until I parted em, when they gatliered themselves together, and departed — one party went one way, and tother, tother. Fillyel love hed done more in the strewin biznis than it sot out to do. The six lovin daughters uv the deceest John hed not only strewed flowers onto his grave, but hair, and collars, and buzzum pins, and shreds uv silk, and water-falls, and cotton, and false teeth, and pieces uv almost everything which goes to make up the sum total uv female attire. Ez I gazed at the wreck and saw their tattered forms vanish in the dim distance, I could not help admittin that when it come to strewin the graves uv deceest ancestors, there wuz sum disadvantages attending the patriarkle system. Petroleum y. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv Biblikle Politics in the Southern Classikle & Military Institoot. — M> iS»>I i CC^'^ X — CXXVII. MR. NASBY IN NORTH CAROLINA. — THE ABRO- GATION OF GENERAL SICKLES'S ORDER. Post Offis, Confedrit X Boads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 31, 1866. For two weeks past I hev bin in North Carolina, and hev hed an oppertoonity uv bein uv servis to my friends and the good cause. The planters of North Carolina assuming tlie right to flog the freedmen, General Sickles in command of that department issued an order forbidding the infliction of corporal punishment upon persons not minors. President John- eon promptly revoked the order, stating as his reason, that it interfered with the laws of the state relating to vagrants. if "*Si:i Thk iLui....ii ji.M) luJiiiLE AT THE I'aternal Tomb. Page 370. COLONEL PODGERS. 371 I WTiz there collecting funds fur the new College at this pint, to wich I am devoted heart and sole, and wuz a makin my home at Kernel Abslum Podgers', who resides just back of Rawly, and whose table and cellar are unsurpassed in the South. Kernel Podgers is a gentleman uv the old skool, who lives in luxurious elegance onto a plantashn uv 1500 akers, and who hez troo piety into him, and alluz wears a shirt-frill. Afore the war he owned 200 niggers, and his sole runnin out after em, he hez managed, sence the war, to collect the moat uv em, and get em together on the old place. He hez bin busily engaged in subdooin uv em, and bringing em back to ther normal condishnn ; but alas ! ther wuz diflSculties in the way. The men niggers, with an obstinacy wich I can't account for, refused to work for $4 per month, and the wimen, hevin been mostly married to ther husbands by the chaplin uv a regiment wich wuz stashened here doorin the war, refoosed to resoom their old relations, and things looked serious. Most men would hev yielded to circumstances and give up, but Kernel Podgers wuz not uv that stripe. He owed a dooty to these misguided beins wich he felt he must fulfil ; and besides, he is desirous of buildin a new house next summer and sendin two daughters (by his wife) to a seminarj^ next season, and he felt that he must bring em to their senses. He sed that he stood in the relation uv a father, figgeratively speekin, to all uv em, and literally to many uv em ; and wuz he agoin to let em go on a flyin out uv their normal speer ? Not any. The fust day I wuz there, a crisis occurred. John Podgers, his son, insisted upon takin away the wife uv a mulatto, and the nigger, forgettin his posishen, wuz impudent. John struck him, and the degraded wretch waded in and whaled him un- merciful. This, uv course, cood not be endoored. The Podgers' blood riz, and that nigger wuz seized and catted till he died. Ef I remember right, he expired while undergoin discipline. It may be he lived till mornin ; but it matters not, ceptin that I like to be accurate. It wuz a solem and impressive scene. The Kernel had the Ethiopian's wife present doorin the infliction uv the punish- ment, and to show her that he did not perceed without 372 THE INSULT TO PODGERS. authority, before commencin lie read to her from Scripter the chapters treatin uv Ham and Eager, and tlie passage commencin " servance, obey yoor masters," and then walloped him with more vigger than I spozed wuz left in a man so old. He pinted to the nigger on the ground, afte^r he wuz cut down, and tellin her that he hoped it wood be a lesson to her, bade her go to her quarters. But the perverse creecher didn't. She ran away, and complained to the officer at the neerest post, who instid uv sendin her back under guard, with his compliments to Kernel Podgers, actilly forwarded her complaint to General Sickles, who forthwith struck a blow at the fbundashens uv the fabric uv Southern sosiety, and ordered the arrest uv the Kernel, who wuz to-wunst placed in doorance vile. There wuz eggscitement in the visinity. I never saw sich a fermentashen. Men run to and fro with blancht cheeks, and askt, " Wat next ? Is our rites to be taken from us ? Is Johnson a holler mockery ? " And they made up a purse, and begged me to go to Androo, and stand between em and destruckshen. I run up to Washinton, and hed an interview with his Eggslenc)', the President. He knowd Kernel Podgers, — in his younger days he hed made his coats, — and ez I tetched upon the old man immured in a dismal dungeon, he wept. But A. Johnson hez decision uv character. Wipin his eyen, he isshood a order for the revokashen uv Sickleses absurd order that niggers shoodent be whipt, and a speshl order com- mandin the offiser who hed the Kernel in custody, to turn him over to the Civil Courts, to be tried in accordance witli the laws of North Karliny. Armed with these documents, I flew back, and the nite I arrived I hed the satisfackshen uv takin the- Kernel out uv Jail, and takin him afore a Justis uv the Peace, where he gave bail to appear afore the Common Pleas to answer a charge uv manslaughter, prefered b}'^ the widder uv the dead nigger. A day or two after, the case wuz heard, I appearin for the Kernel. I held that the case be dismissed for the followin reasons : — 1. The charge uv manslaughter wuz absurd, for the reason that in the minds uv the Southern people there hez alluz bin THE TRIAL AND DECISION. 373 the gravest doubts ez to whether the nigger is actilly a man. 1 held that the length nv his heel, the thickness nv his skull, the length uv his arm, all shtf^vd that he wuz uv a distink species. Ef'this is the case, ez a matter uv course, the Kernel goes free. 2. The Kernel can't be held, allowin the liigger to be a man. The laws uv the State uv North Karliny permit tiie whippin uv niggers, but they don't prescribe the quality nv whippin wich may be inflicted. It's a matter wich is left entirely to the discreshen uy the whipper. It's a matter with wich the whippee hez nothin to do ; neither hez the State. Ef the Kernel hed shot the nigger he wood be liable, for shootin ain't permitted ; but ez whippin is, and ez the quantitj- ain't pre- scribed, uv course it intends the matter to be left solely to the discreshen uv the party who hez the power to whip. Nothin kin be clearer than that. Shel Kernel Podgers be punisht becoz a nigger hedn't powers uv endoorence '! Forbid it Heven ! Here I rested the case. I showed to the satisfackshen uv the Court that the law was not only just but humane, and that any sich absurdity ez punishin the Kernel for carry in out its pervisions wood be strikin a blow at the framework uv society. The Court coincided with me, and to-wunst discharged the Kernel, amid the acclamashuns uv the crowd. The event wuz sellebratid that afternoon by whippin every nigger within a cirkle uv ten miles. The exercise did our people good. It wuz soothin. In the mean time John Podgers hed gone afore a Justice uv the Peace and made complaint uv Susan (that is the name xiv the female wich wuz the cause uv the diffikilty) ez a vagrant, and she wuz so declared by the Justis and put up and sold. Under the circumstances no one wood bid agin John, and she was struck off to him at $50, wich the Justis, under the pecoolyer circumstances uv the case, refoosed to take. I saw John a marchin uv her home, and felt happy. The Kernel's gratitood wuz boundlis. "Wat kin I do for yoo?" sed he, wriugin my hand in a fever uv joy. " Nothin," sed I, " nothin ! Virchoo is its own reward. 374 RENDERING AN ACCOUNT. But our College is languishin for want uv means — let yoor gratitood take that shape." He subscribed and paid $200, wich constoots him a per- petooal Honorary Professer, and $100 to make his wife a per- petooal Honorary Professor. 1 borrowd uv him $50 to take me home, ez I coodent uv coorse yoose College funds, and departed $350 better. 1 left regretfully. Now that this por- tion uv the South is gettin her rites, it is trooly a deliteful place too live, and 1 shcod like to end mj' days here. But my post offis, and that college ! — I kin never leave em, never. To that college I hev dedikated the few remainin yeai-s uv my life, and I'll never desert it so long ez there's a dollar to be raised for it out uv anybody. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXVIII. MR. NASBY'S ACCOUNT OF HIS STEWARDSHIP.— LAYING THE CORNER STONE OF THE COLLEGE EDIFICE. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads j (Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), (. Janooary 2, 1866. ) On my return from my trip to North Karliny ther wuz an immejit and irrepressible desire on the part uv the Trustees uv the Institoot, to hev a statement from me uv the results of the trip. Much hed bin expectid from the vencher, and the expectashuns uv the Trustees wuz riz to a pitch from wich I felt it wuz crooil to hurl em. Therefore I dodged em, until finally, bein badgered, I thot I wood end it. Hevin prepared the dockyments^ I named the Post Offis ez the place, and the mornin uv tlie 1st instant ez the time, to make an exhibit uv the receets and expenditpors uv the trip. Deekin Pogram, Colonel McPelter, and Elder Slathers were promptly on hand, and so wuz I, with the statement, wich I red to em ez fol- lows : — WHEEE THE MONEY WENT TO. 375 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, in accourd with ihe Southern Classilde and Military Institoot Fund : Dr. To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for self . . . $200 00 To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for wife . . . 100 00 To cash uv Square Davis, proceeds uv the sale uv one nigger boy Jim, convicted uv steelin a red herrin, generously donated 50 00 To cash uv Major Galbreth, bein all he hed left after gettin a pardon from the President through Mrs. Cobb . . . . 100 To cash uv John Kessick, who encourages tiie Insti- toot, intendin to come here to start a grocery, ez soon ez it gits fairly a goin 10 00 To cash uv divers and sundry persons 20 00 Grand totle $381 OD Ce. By ralerode fare, the conductors unanimously refoosin to ded hed me either in my clericle, oflSshel, or be- nevolent character $30 00 By refreshments, and meal after refreshments ... 90 By more refreshments 15 By bottle uv refreshments to use on cars .... 1 50 By refreshments at station 15 By refreshments at various places 60 00 By board at Rawley 60 00 By refreshments at Rawley, wich comes high, bein 25 cts. strate " TO 00 By livery hire in that vicinity 90 00 By refreshments for self and driver, includin broken axels and sich 25 00 By meals for self and driver 3 00 By fare back home, wich cost more owin to my comin a round about way 60 00 Grand totle ^ $390 70 Leavin a balance in my favor of $9 70. ^T6 INDIGNATION, The brethren Wtiz sOffiewai disappointed at the result, aiu! Basc'om intimated that he bleeved it woz a d — d swindle ; but I withered him with a glance. I showed Deekin Pogram that it Wuz not only reglar, but that it hed the stamp uv the Post Offis onto it, wich silenced all cavil, I asshoored em that that little balailde needn't trouble em — I did not intend to make ail assessment onto em, but that I cood wait until the treasury \vni, ih funds. " Bilt)" sed Baseeia, " when in thunder will the treasury ever be ill funds, ef all the expedishuns result like this one ? " t explained to the obtoose man that it wuz all rite ; that in JtlQwt Uv sich enterprises the expenses eat up the coUekshuns, but that it wUz seed sown. " We must," sez I, ■' raise the wind from the North, atid to do it, let us show that suthin hez bin dun." " Wat kin we do ? " sed Bascom. " Lay the corner stun uv the Institoot 7 " Bez I. " On the Bc^iiAre fortiinst us is the corner stun uv the nigger church we burnt a month or so ago, ready to our hand. Let us organize a percession and do it to-day, that we may publish to the woi Id that the work is commenced, that our friends may shell out libreller than they liev." The idea wuz considered good, and forthwith it wuz actid upon. The stone wuz conveyed to the feeld onto wich the Institoot is to be built, and a Cavity wuz hollered out into it. At 4 p. M. (wich is in the afternoon) a percession wuz formed, headed by the Trustees, and we marched out to the feeld. Into the cavity in the stun wuz deposited, with approprit cere- inonies, the followiu articles : -^-- A copy uv the Copstooshen uv the Confedrit States uv AiDerica. A copy uv the message nv Androo Johnson vetoin tlie Freedmen's Euro Bill. A copy uv the 22d uv Febrooary speech. Portratas nv the Trustees. A copy uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill. A pair uv handcuffs. Portrates uv Presi- dent Johnson and Secretary Seward, A nigger whip. A $5 greenback contribbited for the purpose by Elder Pennibacker. A pint bottle uv whisky, seeled, contribbited by Bascom. Then the stun wuz placed in posishen, and after a few feelin remarks by myself, in wich I stated that this wuz a grate day for the Corners, and tht^t posterity wood ble/s us for the work TABLEAU. 377 we hed that day done, the ciowd dispersed, the Trustees goin back to my oflSs to draw up a statement uv the ceremonies, and an appele to the northern Dimocrisy tor aid. That nite about 9 P. M., I wuz a sittin in my offis a musin onto the eveuce uv the day, and wonderin whether the Dimoc- risy wood give down, it okkured to me that there wuz a pint bottle uv first-class corn whisky, and $5 in currency, agoin to waste in that stun. " Wat'll posterity ever know uv us ? " thot I to myself. '' Ef posterity does ever overturn tliat stun, won't she git jest ez good an idea uv who we wuz from the other articles ? Ef posterity ever reads the speeches uv His Eggsleucy, and the messages wich we he'v placed there, won't the whisky be inferred ? Ef it ain't, posterity is a consumate ass ; " and thus musin, I wended my way thitherward, determined to reskoo these two articles from oblivion any liow. It wuz pitch dark, but I knew the way. Creepin cautiously up to the stun, I reached out ; and horror ! Ther wuz other hands onto it ! Strikin a match quickly, there stood reveeled afore me the forms uv Deekin Pogram, Bascom, and Elder Slathers, to whom the same thot hed occurred wich moved me. But my presence uvmind did not forsake me. Strikin another match, I assoomed a look uv virchus indignashen, wich they all saw afore it went out, and reproacht em fur ther worldly- mindednis. How cood they expect the Institoot to prosper when those into whose hands its interests wuz confided, proves recreant to the extent uv steeling the sacred mementoes wich were to-day enclosed. " Go home," sed I ; " I forgive you this time, and will not expose yoo ez yoo deserve. 1 spected yoo all, from the way yoo eyed the bottle and the greenback, and hastened hither to protect em. Go ! " And they went ; after wich I tipped over the stun and sekoored the prize. The next mornin they all reproached me with hevin stolen the articles, in privit, wich satisfied me that all uv em hed gone back for the plunder after they thot Pd gone ; but they didn't make no fuss about it. They are all good men ; but alas ! sich is the depravity uv human nacher that they'll hear watchin. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. 378 AN INTERRUPTED SERMON. CXXIX. MR. NASBY ESSAYS A SERMON, BUT IS INTER- RUPTED BY A NIGGER. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ■\ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), C Janooary 10, 1867. * I wuz rekested a week ago to preach a discourse from the text wich the noble and high-rainded Guvner Bramlette used with sich crushin force in his last annual message, to wit : " Kin the Leopard change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin? " and alluz feelin anxious to do wat I kin for the cause, I did it last nite, or rather essayed to do it. And here let me remark, that there ain't a more devoted people in Kentucky than them lambs ez compose my flock. It wuz a tetchin site, and one wich filled my sole with joy, to see em pour out uv the groceries at the first tootin uv the horn, and to see Pennebacker, wich owns the Distillery, stoppin work to come ; but the most cheerin and encouragin sign to me wuz to see Deekin Pogram, who wuz playin seven-up for the drinks with Elder Slathers, at Bascom's, lay down his hand when he hed high low and jack in it, and hed only three to go. " Elder," sed he, his voice tremblin at the sacrifice he wuz a makin, and a tear steeliu down his cheek, " Elder, them's the horn. Let ua to our dooties. 'Ligion must take the front seat uv temp'ral matters," and, sigliin ez he cast a partin glance at his hand, he strode out resolootly to the sauktooary. • I opened by readin the follerin from Guvner Bramlette's message : — " ' The nigger is the inferior uv the white — he lacks the power to rise. Ontil the Leopard kin change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin, all efforts to repeal oi; nullify God's laws will be unavailin." " My bretherin, tliese words is words uv wisdom, and fur em let us be thankful. The skin uv the Ethiopian wuz in- In the message of Governor Bramlette, of Kentucky, in 1867, the language given in the text was, singular as it may now seem, actually used. ETHNOLOGICAL. 379 flicted onto him for the express purpose uv distingishin him from his bretherin, whose servants he wuz condemned to be, for all time, ez a punishment for the sin uv Cain or the im- proodence uv Ham, wich. Democratic divines heven't settled on. With the black skin he wuz given all the other marks uv inferiority. He wuz oust with long arms, immense hands, flat nose, and bowed legs, and that ther mite be no mistake in the matter, he wuz given wool instead uv hair. Halleloogy ! Wat a blessid thing for us is this Ethiopian ! Wat a consolation it must be to yoo all to know that ther is a race below yoo, and how blessid the refleckshun, that they can't change ther skin, and by that . means git above yoo ! That's the comfort we draw from the skripters. Wat a horror it wood be for Deekin Pogram, snorin so peacefly, ef'when the Soopreme Court decides the Ablishn amendment unconstooshnl, and he gits his niggers back agin ; ef ther shpod be a new di^pensashun, and niggers shood be permitted to change ther skins ! Wat sekoority wood we hev for our property ? Some mornin he'd wake up and find em all white persons, wich it wood bo unconstooshnel to wollop. " My brethern, ther has bin many efforts to change tlie skin uv the Ethiopian, or rather ther hez bin many who wanted to. The Boston Ablishnists hev tried it, but wat hez bin the result? Ain't they niggers yit, and ain't they still the de- graded wretches they alluz wuz? I paws for a reply." I made this latter remark becoz it sounded well, not that I hed any idee that anybody wood reply. Imagine my surprise at seein a gray-headed nigger, wich hed bin,^ doorin and after the fratrisidle struggle, employed in the Ereedman's Burow, rise, and remark that he hed a word to say onto that pint." There wuz a storm uv indignashun, and the impudent nigger, who wuz so sassy ez to presoom to speak in a white meetin, wood hev bin sacrificed on the spot, hed not Joe Bigler, who wuz half drunk,' drawd a ugly-lookin navy revolver, and re- markin that he knowd that nigger, that he hed more sense' than the hull bilin uv us, and he shood hev his say. " Ef," sed this recklis Joe, '• ef he beats yoo, Perfesser, trooth is trooth ; let's hev it. Ef he don't, wliy, it's all the better for yoo. Ef yoor Websterian intelleck kivers the 380 OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES AND SUCKLINGS. ground, all rite ; ef his ponderous intellek gets the best on't, jist ez rite. ' Out uv the mouths uv babes and sucldius.' Elder, I go my bottorti dollar on this sucklin. Speak up, venerable : there won't none uv em tech yoo ; " and he cockt his revolver. " Beggin pardon," sed the nigger, " I agree with yoo, Per- f'esser, tiiat the Ethiopian can't change his skin hisself, but does the Scripter say that it can't be changed for him ? " " Anser the venrable babe," sed Joe Bigler, pintin his revol- ver at me. " I can't say that it does," sez 1. " Very good," retorted the nigger, " hezn't there a change bin a goin on in Kaintuck from the beginnin ? My mother wuz ez black ez a crow — I'm considble lighter — my wife's a half lighter than I am — my gal's children is a half lighter than their mother, and I want to know wat Guvner Bramlette's got to say to that. The white man ain't got no cuss onto him, hez he ? " " Speek up, Perfesser — the sucklin wants yoo to be prompt," sed Joe Bigler. I answered that " he hed not — that it wuz piled onto Ham or Cain and ther desendants, and nobody else." "Very weh, then," sed the nigger, " ez 1 am only half Ham or Cain, then uv course there's only half a cuss onto me, only a quarter onto my wife, only an eighth onto my daughters, only a sixteenth onto my daughters' children, and there's lots uv niggers in this yer visinity wat hezn't got the thirtj'-second or the sixty-fourth part uv it hangin to em. Guvner Bram- lette also sed sutljin bout niggers bein degraded coz twuz their nacher, didn't he, and that edducashen woodent do for en-iV ■' Perfesser," sed the tormentin Bigler, wich hed just whisky enuff" into him to be ugly, " 1 must remind you that the par- tikeler babe and sucklin, out uv whose mouth yoor bein immensely condemned, expex prompt ansers." I ansered that sich wuz the tenor uv the Guvner's remarks. "Ef that's troo, why don't the mulattoes come up faster? Ef it's the nateral stoopidity uv the nigger, the white man ain't affected by it, and the mulatto only half. I am 'quainted AN IMMENSE CONDEMNATION. 381 with the heft uv the people afore me, and I'll bet my last year's wages, wich Deekin Pogram ain't paid yit, that half uv em can't read any mor'n 1 kin. 'Pears to me I'd like to hev Guvner Bramlette take the load off us for a year or two and see whether we'd rise or not. We moutn't and then agin we mout. But I ruther think its a leetle too much to put a mill- stone on top uv a man aud then kick him for not gettin up." "-Bully ! " sed Joe Bigler. " Go on ! go on ! " " It ain't square pjayin to make laws agin our risin, to flog us for hevin spellin-books, to make it a penitentiary offence to learn to read, and to burn our skool-houses, and then because we ain't just ready to enter college, to insist on't that we are naterally incapable. And above all, ain't it presoomiu a little to charge it onto the Lord V Ain't yoo mistakin your own work for hizzen ? Traps ef Guvner Bramletto's father hed bin flogg'd for wantin to learn to read, and Guvner Bramlette's mother hed bin brought up ez a feeld hand, and the same strategy hed bin practised on Guvner Bramlette's grandfather, and great grandfather, and great, great grandfather, aud great, great, great grandfather, and his great — " " Hold on, venerable," sed Joe Bilger, " don't enumerate. Jest say his ancestors, back to the identicle time they wuz slaves to them Normans, wich held his projenitors jist ez closely ez yoo've bin held, and it'll be sufKshent." " I plead guilty to the big hands, flat nose, and bowd legs. Possibly the first nigger hed em — possibly not. Ef Guvner Bramlette's ancestors hed bin kept at the hoe, his hands wood hev bin ez big ez mine ; ef they'd borne burdens forever his legs wood be bowed, and ef ther noses hed bin perpetooally smasht hizzen wood be flatter than it is." " Hev yoo eny more questions to put to the Perfesser?" sed Joseph. " No," replied the Ethiopian, " I hev sed my say." " Then." sed this Bigler, " I dismiss this congregashun, with this remark, that that nigger is under my protectin care, and ef a single lock uv his wool is disturbed, I shel feel it a solium but painful dooty devolvin upon me, to put a ball into tlie car- cass uv each uv the offishls uv this Church, coramencin with the Paster, and continiiin all the way down to the scribe. Git ! " 382 PEACE AT THE CORNERS. And pell-mell the congvegasheu piled out — one over another. It will be necessary to dispose of Joe Bigler somehow. He lost wat property he hed in the war, and is becoming exceed- inly loose in his talk. He can't be tolerated long. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXX. MR. NASBY DOBS THE x ROADS A SERVICE. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 'I (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), J- Janooary 20, 1867. ) There is peace in the Corners ! It reigns here, it does, with a sweetnis onparalleled since the Nashun launched out onto the sea uv trubles, which very near engulfed her. It come about thro me. Biznis in the Post Orfis don't engross all my time. It don't take me very long to distribbit the paper which Deekin Pogram takes, nor the cirklers uv the gift enter- prises which come here ; neither does it consoom much uv my valyooble time directin thp letters enclosin dollars back to em, besides which a good many uv em are insufficiently sealed, and the money drops out; and bein conscientious to a fault, ez I can't get em back into the right letters, whj' uv course I don't send aich at all. The only trouble I hev is in explainin why letters containin such remittancis don't reach their des- tinaah^n, but that has its rewards. I invariably tell em that the managers uv the enterprises are ablishn Yankees, and, uv course they'd be swindld, which alluz intensifies their rage. Ez I wuz sayin, I hev plenty uv time, and I put it in mostly studyin the caracteristiks uv human nacher, ez developed in The Kepublicans of the Northern States were very slow to crown the work of Emancipation by making citizenship universal. In Ohio, radical as it was, the proposition to amend the Constitution so as to give the colored man the ballot, was voted down by an enormous majority. THB USES .OF NOBTHERNEBS. 383 men and niggers. While contemplatin a pf^rsel uv niggers one day, I foUered em, and overheard their conversashen. I wuz astonished ! They wuz notifyin one another uv a meetin to be held that nite in Pennibacicer's , barn, to which all wuz expected to be present. Here, thot 1 to myself, is Guy Fawkes I Here is conspiracy ! Meetin ! Wat rite hev nig- gers to meet? And I hastened, to Deekin Pogram, and told him wat I had heerd. " Nasby," sed he, wringin. my hand, " ef I ever doubted the eternal fitnis uv things — the complete and,entire adaptability uv one class to another — that doubt is removed. Here am I, a nigger owner — here, are yoo, a Northern Dimocrat — a bloomin eggsotic, ez I may say, wich hez took root in Southrn sile. I never wood hev overherd them niggers! — no South- ner wood hev thot uv sneakin after em — for all sich work the Northern Dimocrat is precisely fitted. It's wat they've alluz done for us ! And he wrung my hand agin, and thanked me. I wuz too much overcome with emoshen at the compliment he paid me to reply. But we arranged the programme. We went to the barn, and overturned a wagon so ez we cood git under it and heer all that wuz sed without bein seen, and jest at nitefall the Deekin and me ensconsd ourselves in our hidin place. The niggers gathered, praps thirty on em, and opened the meetin with prayer, in which exercise they, hed the profanity to pray for the Government uv the Yoonited^tates and sich, and then the biznis commenst. It appears that they'd sent a man North to find a locashen for em, ez they hed made up their minds to run away from the blessins uv slavery wich we are preparin to re-open to em, and this nigger hed arrived, and they wuz assembled to hear his report. " Brother Lee," sed the ringleader to the returned nigger, wich I knowd — he wuz nearly white, and wuz raised in Virginia, and hed bin four years in the army, on the Pedral side uv course, — " are yoo ready to report ? Hev yoo found the, Promised Land?" Brother Lee replied, that ef he understood wat wuz the Ethiopian idee uv the "Promised Land," he , cood safely and 384 BROTHER lee's EXPERIENCE. certainly say that he hedn't. He landed first in Philadelphy, and bein sumwat wearied by the long ride, 'he took a seat in a street-car which wuz empty. The condukter ordered him out, but sposin he wuz in a State where there wuz ekal rites he insisted on stayin, when the condukter and the driver bundled him out by force. His coat, he observed, sliowin wher the bloo blouse hed bin onskilfully mendid, wuz siimwat fraktered in the skuffle. At this narrashen the niggers groaned, and it wuz all I cood do to keep the Peekrn from hollerin halleloogy ! In Noo York State he didn't fare so well. He diskivered that a decent nigger there isn't quite ez good ez a very ordinary white man. He happened ther on 'leckshin day, and narrated that he saw white men carried up to the poles so eggstreme- Ij' drunk that them ez hed em in charge hed to put the ticket atween their fingers and anser to their names, while a 'specta^ ble nigger hed to show that he wuz worth some property afore he wuz allowed to vote, and then a number uv gentlemen with red faces and clubs made it so onpleasant that but few attempted it. The Deekin punched me in the ribs vociferously. Next he went to Ohio, sposin, uv course, that a State so extremely opposed to bondage wood be the place he wuz in search uv. Agin he wuz disappointed. It wuz worse ihan it wuz in Noo York, for the Ablishnists wuz a goin on the princi- ple, he rather guessed, uv doin justis without runnin agin anybodj-'s prejudises; or rather, uv lettin justice do herself, for they don't make any move towards helpin her. There the nigger uv no grade, no matter how much taxes he pade, or how long he served in the army, wuzn't allowed a vote. The Ablishinists, ez he understood, carried the State on the nigger question, but wuz now afrade to tetch it for fear they'd lose it agin. They've hed it, he remarked, twelve years, but hedn't, ez yit, got all the people edjicated up to the pint uv doin wat all the people knowd wuz rite. His experience in the West wuz very similar. The Ablish- nists wuz everywhere ver_y strongly in the majority, and every wun uv 'em he talked with wuz in favor of givin the nigger BROTHER lee's CONCLUSION. 385 his rites, but they wuz all afraid ef they took hold uv it, they'd be 1 li 1 out by the Democracy, which wuzn't in the majority at all. In Washinton, wher Congress hez give the niggers a vote, he wuz well treated, and it wuz the only place. A gentleman who wants to run for Mayor next spring giv hira his dinner, and quite a number of others who wanted small ofJSses did like- wise, but he woodent advise emigrashen there, for it's possible tliat before the next elecshun Congress may conclude that suffrage in the Deestrick will run 'em into the ground in the States (their constituents, which are all Ablishnists, not bein cdjncated up to the pint), and repeel it. The Deekin nudged me agin. " Wat shel we do? " then sed the niggers, all in korious. " Do ! "sed the nigger, wich his name it wuz Lee, " do ! grin and bear it wher yoo are. Ez fo' me, ef I hed mj' five yeahs back agin I shood do diffrent. Liberty is a gift boss, wich, ef dis niggah hed it to do ober agin, ho wood look in de mouth, shoah. I shood want to know whedder, I bein a beggar, ef I mounted it I shoodent ride to de devil. When I turned agin Massa, and went into de servis, I wuz promised ef I behabed like a man I shood be counted a man. I behabed like a man, but wat now ? Dar's de cibbel rites bill, which reads good, but wha's de sogers to put it froo ? Dar's all sorts ob laws, but wha's de yoose ob em so long ez noboddy pays any tenshun to em ? I go Norf, wha de Ablishnists heb eberyting dab own way, and I find de niggah is ez bad off dab ez he is heah, coz de Ablishnis, which is de champions uv ekal rites, ain't eddi- cated up to de pint uvbustin unekal laws. We can't stay heah and git our rites — we can't go dah, coz ebry wuu ob em will tell yoo his nabor ain't eddicated up to de pint ob doin any- thing but holdin de ofHses, and passin resolooshens dat dey bleeve in de principles ob de Declarashen ob Independence, wich principles reed bery well, but wat good is dey to me ef dey ain't acted up to ? Po' fo'pence I'd go hang myself." They had other talk, and finally broke up, endin with a prayer, the burden uv which wijz that the Lord wood find some way to eddicate their friends North up to the pint. Ez soon ez they wuz gone, the Deekin and I crawled out 25 386 DEACON pogeam's jor. from Tinder the wagon, and I must say the old gentleman sur- prised me. Dashin his hat on the ground, he execooted one uv the most frantic Highland flings my eyes ever witnist. It astonished me to see how reckJis the old man wuz with his legs. Finally, out uv breath, he subsided with a prolonged shreek uv exultant joy. " Why so jubilant, my venerable friend ? " sed I. " Nasby," sed he, " it's better than I hoped for. The Ablish- nists bar em out — they ain't eddikated up to the pint, and they drive em away. They make distinkshuns, and when the nigger's distinkted aginst in part, he's precisely the material uv which to make a servant unto his brethren. Ef the nigger can't git all his rites in the North, he'd better be without any uv em in the South. Up ther he hez all the cussitood uv bein a free man, without any uv the indoosements ; down here, ef he ain't got any uv the blessins uv freedom he ain't any uv the responsibilities. The nigger, uv course, will stay — he'd be a cussed fool ef he didn't. Bless the Lord for the Ablishnists wat ain't eddikated up to the pint ! " And the blessed old lunatic execooted another Highland fling onto his hat. Sharin his enthoosiasm, ez I alluz do every- boddy's I meet, that I may share whatever else they hev, we went to Bascom's, wher, before we separated, we wuz eddikated up to a pint, and considerable more. Bascqm carried the Dee- kin home on a wheelbarrer, at a little past one. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. THE CASE STATED. 387 CXXXI. AN IMPORTANT CASE AT THE CORNERS UNDER THE VAGRANT ACT.— THE DECISIONS OF 'SQUIRE GAVITT. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads, ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), j- Janooary 28, 1867. ) WuN UV the most important cases — important in a national sense — ever tried afore a court uv justis, came off afore Squire Gavitt yesterdaj'. It was important, becoz it involved the very existence uv the institution upon which Kentucky is built — becoz, upon its decision hung the question whether or not the Bible shood be respectid and its holy injunctions obeyed — whether Kentucky shood, cHngin to the Sk:ripters, go on ez a Christian State, or denyin it, go back into infidelity and barbarism. I scasely need say that the porshens uv the Bible to wich I refer, is the ever blessid chapters relatin to Ham, Hager, and Onesimus — the only parts of the Skripter we pay much fittention to. But ef them is attacked success- fully, wat follows ? The entire strukter comes tumblin to the ground. Therefore, holdin to Afrikin slavery, we are orthodox believers. The circumstances uv the case wuz suthin like this : A nig- ger uv the name uv Gabriel, wunst the happy and contented servant uv that eminent Christian, Deekin Pogram, becum possessed uv the spirit uv the devil, and sullen, becoz the Deekin sold his wife to raise the means to send his second son, Isaker, wich wuz a studyin for the ministry, to a Theolojikle Institoot, somewheres in Georgia. He run away in the fust year uv the war, and follered the Federal army, finally enlisting as a sojer. During the progress uv the struggle, he learned to read, and bein powerful in prayer and sich, he headed a revival, and hevin gifts that way, attracted the notis uv Genril Howard, who hed him instructed, and finally made him an The people of Kentucky refused, for a long time, to recognize the acts of Congress establishing the status of the negro. The courts disregarded the provisions of the Civil Rights bill as recklessly as did 'Squire Gavitt. 388 THE TRIAL. agent nv a branch uv that accursid Freedmen's Biirow. After the war, he appeared in this vicinity, salaried by the society, and commenst unfittin the niggers for their normal condishun by teechin on em to read, and establishin Sunday skools among em, wich wuz aginst the dignity and peace uv the common, wealth. The citizens stood it with pashense ontil last Monday. The Deekin hed a dispoot with a nigger relativ to a triflin matter uv wages. The nigger hed bin workin at the stipulated price uv $4 per month — the Deekin brought in, ez a offset, his board at $2 per week ; and ruther than hev any fuss about it proposed to let him work the balance out durin the winter months. To this ekitable arrangement the nigger demurred, holdin that board wuz inclooded, and this Gabrel advised the nigger to sue, and he did so. Enraged at his interference, the Deekin went before Squire Gravitt, and complained of Gabrel ez a vagrant, and employed me to attend to the case. Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, volunteered to defend the nigger, and there wuz a tremenjus excitement over it. I opened the case by statin that the nigger's biznis wuz Jo prove that he hed vizable means uv support : Pollock insisted that it wuz our biznis to prove that he hedn't, but the court decided agin him. The nigger then swore that he reseeved from his congrega- shen $30 per month for services. I submitted that, ez he wuz a interested part}", other proof wood be required. Pollock interdoost the elders of the congregashen, but I checkmated him there, by submittin that the testimony uv niggers wuzn't admissable, wich the court decided it wuzn't. Immejitly Pollock submitted that whether or no his client coodent be considered a vagrant, ez he cood testify himself to the fact that he (Gabrel) hed in his house $200 in greenbax — a sufifishent support for a time, at least. Ther wuz a immense eggscitement in the court. " Wher duz he keep it? " asked the Squire, visibly agitated. " In a chest at his house," sed Pollock. "This court stands adjourned for thirty minits," sed the Squire, boundin over the railin in front uv him. " Hold on," sez he ; " hold on, Deekin ; a fair start is all I want. Don't HOW THE NEGRO WAS MADE A VAGRANT. 389 take advantage uv my age to get ther first," and pell-mell over one another the entire audience, ceptin Pollock, the nigger, and me, started on a keen run for the house. In a few minits they returned, pantin and out uv breath, when the Squire called the court to order again, wich bein restored, he re- marked, ef it cood be established that the nigger hed $200 in greenbax it wood nessessarily discharge him, ez no man with that sum cood be considered a vagrant; but he thot of the prizner at the bar shood look in the direckshun uv his house, he'd find it wuzn't ther any more, ez a house, the materyal uv wich it wuz built wuz lyin permiskus. Likewise, probably, lie wooden't be able to find the $200 he hed in his chest. The place that knowd it wunst will know it no more forever — it hed been confiscated by the enraged citizens. He wanted it understood that no such triflin impediment in the waj' uv justis ez the possession uv $200 cood be allowed within the jurisdick- shen uv this court. The nigger not bein able to prove his means uv support, and ez the court knowd uv its own knollege that he ain't now got any $200, tlie court wood ask the crim- inal's counsel wat other nonsense he hez to plead. Sed Pollock, the lUinoy storekeeper, — " I wood beg leave to state to this court that, under the Civil Rites law, the defendant cannot be arrested ez a vagrant, ez the law under wich the accused is arrested only menshuns persons uv color, makin a distinkshen agin em." Never, while memry retains her seat, shel I forget the scene that ensood. Filled with a sense uv the responsibility restin onto him, the Squire rose slowly from his seat, his lace uv a deathly palenis, wich hed the effeck uv hightnin, by contrast, the intense rednis uv his nose, and risin to his full hite, re- marked that the court hed expectid that objeckshen to be urged, and hed, theretore, prepared fur it. That law doesn't bind this court to any alarmin extent, considerin it ez infringin onto the reserved rites uv the States. " Will the court be so good ez to menshun for the informa- shun uv the populace, wat the reserved rites uv the States are ? " s^z Pollock. " The court insists that it shel not be interruptid when it's deliverin itself uv an opinion. Considerin it ez infringin upon 390 THE DECISION. the reserved rites uv the States, uv whom Kentucky is the cheefest and the toveliest among ten thousand " — at this pint his nose glowd redder, and it seemed to me ez tho a halo uv lite encirkled his frosty head, ez he fearlessly continued — " the court holds that law to be unconstooshnel, and ez sich, shel not regard it. Hez the counsel anything more to remark ? " " Nothin," sed Pollock. " And knowin the court so well ez I do, I wonder at my makin sich an ass uv myself ez to hev remarkt anything at all." '' Hez the counsel for the State anything to say ? " "Nothin," sed I. "I am willin to trust the case .in yoor hands, feelin confident that justis — genooine Kentucky justis — will be done." Whereupon the Squire hed the prizner stand up, and drawin on a black cap,- in a very impressive manner, sentenst him to eighteen months hard labor,' breakin stone on the turnpike, at the conklushen uv wich Pollock very profanely added, " And may the Lord hev mercy on your sole." The nigger wuz immejitly stript uv his good close, wich the Squire thot wood just fit him, and a soot uv vagrant's close wuz given him, and he wuz to-wunst put to his labor. We hev hopes that this will end the nigger skools in this vicinity, ez well ezthe diskontent that hez eggisted among the niggers ever since the disturbin Gabrel hez bin here. The Corners is now enjoyin a holy calm — more so than any period for a month. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. ^'asuv in rn;; ( 'aiunkt. \':iixv -jH]. THE McCEACKEN MISSION. 391 CXXXII. mr. nasby is despatched by the president upon a mission, similar to that op mr Mccracken. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), j Febrooary II, 1807. J It wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me into the servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson. Crooel, I say ; for when. ever he hez a partikelerly mean piece uv work to perform, suthin so inexpressibly sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't undertake it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz willin; but while he hez the disposishen to do anything in the line he lax the ability. The uthers, however, hev the ability to do any- thin and the disposishen to do most things, and therefore I hev bin employed in only eggstreme cases. The success wich attended McCracken's mishun, endin ez it did in the resinin uv Motly, stimulated Seward to prossekute similar researches into the actooal opinions uv the home crop uv oflasers regardin him, and his sooperior, A. Johnson. Ran- dall wuz applied to to take a tour among Post Masters and sich. He decHned the mishen indignantly, with the remark, " Is thy servant a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood do this thing?" And ez Welles isn't trusted out uv Washinton any more, I wuz sent for. The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward in his usual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirkelate incognito (wich is Latin for sneakin) among the recently appinted offis-holders, and assertain ther views upon general politikle topics, but more espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sekretary uv State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all pleased with the mishen, Welles put in his oar. He wuz agoin to give me in- strucshuns ez to wat I wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never In 1867 an emmisary of President Johnson prowled through Europe for the purpose of ascertaining the feeling of our representatives at the various courts respecting the President's policy. It was this MoCracken, it will be remem- bered, who brought about the resignation of Mr. Motley. 392 AN ANECDOTE. cood abide, and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most pierceuist gazes, I remarked, — " Sir ! in imitashen uv the man who inflicted yoo upon this country, wich wuz not the least uv his acts for wich the country cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote: Ther wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid ; and that he might present hisself in a, state approximatin sobriety to the pardner uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin to vomit, tryin thus to ease his stumick uv the cause uv the onpleasantnis therein ; but he coodent do it. He heaved and heaved, but there wuz no result. At this critikle period another man approacht, who remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his best holt wood be to run his finger down his throat. The drunk in- dividooal looked up indignant at this unwarranted interfer- ence with his constooshnel rites. ' Blast yoor eyes, sir,' sed he, ' are yoo or me bossin this yer puke ? ' " This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I respeck the posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin anythin disagreeable ; but, sir, this is a puke, and I propose to boss it myself."' I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly mixed condi- tion. The followin is compiled from my reports : In Noo York the Postmasters generally are sound. The crops wer poor last year ; and all kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are generally anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, outspoken in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz men uv good standin and relijusly inklined, before the rupcher between the President and the party wich redoost him, say but very little in publiok, and that little they don't say very long. They generally can't see that ther is any partikeler differense between the President's plan and the plan uv Congress, and ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld for the sake uv peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich places, are loud enough in support uv the Administrashen ; but, good Heaven ! the en- dorsement uv sich men is too heavy a load for any party to carry. Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the my,s- tery uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some deestricks the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy a load too carry, and in the others the Johnson men found the Dimokrisy too heavy a load to carry. IN OHIO. 393 In Ohio, the first place I stopt at wuz Obeiiin, the place where the nigger college is located at. I regret to say that the Postmaster at that pint is a rantin Ablishnist ; and in the two hours I wuz ther, I coodent find a Conservative Republikin who wood take it. I got one nearly, perswadid ; but jest ez he wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto his buzzum, and with tetchin pathos, wantid to kno ef he wuz willin, for sicli small pay, to leave sich a tarnisht name to the lour chil- dren now born to em and the wun wicli wuz expectid ? He repentid and refoosed. 1 don't investigate ez fully ez I might, for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther ; and ez my flask give out, I felt that doo considerashen for my health woodent permit my stayin another hour. I recommend the abolishen uv the oflSce, or the establishment uv a grosery, with a bar in the back room, cz a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally. The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster a suspishus character — very suspishus. Whenever he is drunk he speaks very highly uv the Sekretary uv State, but when sober he avoids politikle matters. I sejest a raise in the salary uv the ofSs, that he kin afford to keep drunk all the time. At the next pint I interdobst myself ez a English nobleman in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners and customs, and men- shuned carelessly that I hed bin to Washinton, and hed bin presentid to the President and Sekretary uv State. The Post- master wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to see that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low tone : " My deer sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor idea uv the public men uv Ameriky from them specimens. Don't, I beg. The first, sir, is a accident — sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose. The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years ; bat now, sir, now — he's a degradid old man," and he bustid into tears. " Bein determined to hold onto his place, he tried at fust to bring the President up to his level ; but that bein impossible, he delib- erately let hisself down to the level uv the President, and the distance, sir, wuz so great, the Sekretary bein suthin, that the shock, sir, undoubtedly knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he ain't displayed any since. May the Lord forgive Willyum H. Seward for the shipwreck he made uv his reputashen, for — " 394 AN AFFECTING INCIDENT. At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to pull out my hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon the floor a piece uv paper, wich he seed. It read : — "Petkoleum v. Nasbt, Dr. "ToG. Bascom. " To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink, . . $30 00." He looked at my face, and seein that that bill reely b'longed to me, fell faintin onto the floor, shreekin, " I'm McCrackened." I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet. Another man openly defied me. He wantid me to take the offis off his hands. His children, he sed, wuz made mouths at and skoffed at, at skool, becoz ther father, wich bed bin a Republikin, held a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defected for President uv the Sewin Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz held, on the same akkount. He hed stood it long enuff. Ef he coodent git it off his hands, he'd commit sooicide, and by thus puttin hisself out uv the way, make his abuzed family the only reparashen in his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich talk may be safely set down ez incendiary. Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the President, and worshipt the Secretary. He considered his plan uv recon- struction the best wich cood hev bin devised by mortal wisdom. He hed vainly striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the Republikin party fot years, but failed, owin to a lack uv confi- dence. He wood hev jined the Democracy ; but ez they wuz hopelessly in the minority, it woodent hev helped him. He considered Johnson's idea uv fiUin tlie offises with Republikins bully, ther bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and he didn't want any accessions to the party. Ther wuz now jist enuff to hold the offises in control uv the President, and them wuz all the offises they cood git any how. I sejest that he be continyood. He isn't discreet ; but we can't expect all the virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is perfeck — I spose I hev my failins. I shel continyoo my investigashens, tho it is dredful tryin labor. Goin, ez 1 do, thro Abolition sections, I hev to cary my own whisky ; and ez sad experience hez demonstrated, quart flasks won't do. Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them EDUCATIONAL. 395 towns for three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrange- ments be made for the transportashen uv a keg-uv sustenauce to accompanj' me ; otherwise, I shel peremptorily resine. At m}' time uv hfe my regeler supplies is necessary. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wioh is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXXIII. MR. NASBY'S BOARD COMMENCE THE COMPILA- TION OF A SERIES OP SCHOOL BOOKS FOR THE " INSTITOOT." Post Opfis, Conpedbit X Roads n (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ( Febrooary 20, 1867. 5 The Institoot is a success Contribushens flow in slowly but shoorly, — fast enuff indeed to give each uv the Board a noo soot uv close ; and we, espeshelly, who hev the fust handlin uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that corner-stun troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people saw that a bottle uv lik- ker and a greenback wuz deposited under it, and regerly every nite it's bin overturned by persons in serch uv them relics. At great expense we built onto it a section uv wall ; but makin no account uv our expenditoor, they overturned it. We then histed a sign-board bearing this legend : " The whisky is gone, and the greenback also," signed by the Board ; but one half uv the citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't hev the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the Board to prevent em from goin for the .artikles, tho the very knowlege uv us wich brot about this state uv disbelief, shood, wun wood suppose, hev taught em that the greenback and likker coodent possibly be there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and drawd an iron chain over it. That got em. Force is about the only thing uv any account in this country. The Board met last nite at the Post OfiSs, wich, ontil we git 396 EXAMPLES. the Institoot built, will be the headquarters uv tlie Trustees, to consider the propriety uv publishin a series uv skool books, adaptid especially to the Southern intelleck, and calculated to keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths uv the late Con- federacy, wich is unfortunately deceest, a lively opinion uv themselves and a corresponding hatred uv Noo England and the North generally. We hev hed serious doubts whether proper ideas cood be instilled into a youth from a book written by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati. I submitted to the Board a example for a noo Arithmetic, to wit : — " A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army at a cost iiv $1000, passing off onto him two counterfeit ten dollar notes. To make up the expenditoor, he to-wunst swindles a innocent Kentuckian out uv $100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv $200 in a Western land trade, and the balance he makes up by sellin wooden nutmegs, wich -he turns otit uv basswood at a profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate moral question is, how many nutmegs must this ingenius but unprincipled cuss manufaktur, and how long does it take him, with the im- prooved machinery, they hev to do it ? " The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first Bull Run, captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed upon his person $12 in greeenbax, and ^tothers $8 each. How many uv John- son's Postmasters cood be bought with the proceeds uv the capcher ? " Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples ; but he kept insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire the Southern heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal funeral pile wich needid continyooal firin. Onless fired it wuz a gloomy mass uv very onsightly black cinders. He proposed that the forthcoming book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example : — " The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain number uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment uv Confedrit soljers druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries into the town. Allowin that each Fedral, ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many more steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chatta- nooga, where they wuz comparatively safe from Confedrit JOE BIGLER INTERFERES, 397 rage and valor, and sich, than it did the Confedrits to drive em thar?" Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it his dooty to propose : — " A strickly conscienshus grocery keeper starts in biznis worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. He pays for his whiskey two dollars per gallon in Looisville, and hez for a reglar customer a Postmaster, wich drinks forty or sixty times per day, and alluz tells him to ' jist chalk it down.' Required the length uv time nessary to bust him under them afHictin circumstances ? " Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears in print, he wood be able to furnish the anser to that little problem. Con- siderin the example a dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to retort; but ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto Bascom's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin must be done for Bascom, — I hev lived onto him too long. The next coutribushen I reseeve from frends North shel be devoted to liquidating, in part, the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by not givin him at least cost for his likker ; but wat follows ? There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me credit? Better bear the ills we hev than fiy to them to wich we hevn't bin interdoost. Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened in, and heard the last two examples, and remarkt that he cood furnish any number uv examples at site. We never stop Joseph in anything he perposes to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a navy revolver slung to him. Joseph wuz permitted to perceed. " Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites four years for em, gittin licked like the devil, how long after is it advisa- ble for him to continyoo to pant, pervidid he didn't know at the begiunin wat his rites wuz? " Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern soljers, why in bloody thunder, they hevin hed a suffishency uv opportoonities uvvdoin it, didn't the South gain her independence ? " Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned cent's worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable biznis, how many struggles for independence wood a man uv modrit means be justified in goin thi;o with? 398 AND MAKES TROUBLE. " Bf two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky kin be got from a bushel uv corn, how many Democratic voters, takin young men ez they run, kin be manufaktured from the produck uv an aker uv good land in a modrit year for corn? " A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years ago, bed a female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, and worth only $800. Her progeny wuz only half ez black ez a crow, and her female grandchildren wuz sufEshently bleached to sell in Noo Orleans for $2500 per female offspring. Required, 1st. The length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt by this means. 2d. The number uv years nessary to bleach the cuss of color out uv the niggers uv the United States " A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number uv deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward, all uv wich gave increased majorities agin him. Required the number uv miles uv travel, and the number uv repetitions uv the speech, to enable him to carry out his policy? " Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suflSshent to perdoose the speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv March, 1865, how many must have bin slung into A. J. to perdoose the 22d uv Febrooary effort, and how many must he hev taken between Washinton and St. Louis ? " " These examples," sed Joseph, " I consider nessary for this book : and ef it is published without em I shel take it ez a personal affront, for which I shel hold the Board personelly responsible. The Southern yooth must be properly instructed — my orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em, and these examples is nessary to that end. Let this Board remem- ber that, when this book is pubHsht, ef these examples is not in them, they hev me to settle with." And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. We dare not publish the book without his examples, for he alluz keeps his word, and is a ugly cuss to deal with j and uv course puttin em in coodent be thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph must be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at his bar for a week, chargin the same upon the account uv the Institoot. I know that a free run at his barrels would finish me or any one uv the Board in that time. Happy Bigler I He hez at least DESJRKS CONFIRMATION. 399 t one satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish the Board wood try it on me. It wood be a short but glorious career. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXXIV. ME. NASBY DESIRES CONFIRMATION. — IS ADVISED HOW TO PROCEED BY THE PRESIDENT, BUT REJECTS THE PROPOSITION WITH SCORN. Washington, D. C, March 20, 18G7. Washington agin ! What changes hev been marie in the Jast two years ! Not in Washington, for this deliteful abode uv official purity hezn't changed a particle, nor never will. From the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I did a year ago, the same signs uv " steamed oysters ; " the Capitle, in front, towrin over the trees at the tother end uv the avenue, and behind, the Patent Offis and Post Offis buildings ; the first the Mecca uv every Dimokrat, and the tother uv every Yankee who comes here. No ! Washington ain't changed, but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington, it wuz tite times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel then ez now. In them days, before the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put some thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than money, and more appetite than small change, into offis, and, per consekence, into condition to pay their bills, I wuz a guest at this hotel ; which is to say, I slept on the steps uv the Capitol, and took, or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's bountiful board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste ; and ez I It was easy enough in 1866-7 for a Republican of any prominence, who was willing to support Johnson, to get an appointment, but how to secure confirma- tion by the Senate was the rub. Many men of easy virtue, accomplished the desired confirmation by abandoning Johnson, a/i!er the appointment was made, Wilcox and Custar were two of the most prominent examples. 400 willard's. wuz foragin for subsistence, I alluz made it a pint to forage on the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to cheek a "first class dinner ez it is a second class ; and besides, I felt that sich a hotel ez Willard's wuz better able to stand sich boarders ez I wuz than them of less patronage. I kept away from the tother hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never shel I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dinin-roora guardian angel for a week, and wuz congratulatin myself on another week at least, when the landlord stopped me hisself, and the follerin conversashen ensood : — " My friend," sed he, in winuin tones. " Davis, Garret, is my name ! " sez T, promptly. " We hear enufF," sez he. " Listen ! I've let you run a week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a hungry look, but by this time yoo ought to be filled up and able to go at least a week without eatin. Ez yoo ain't uv no earlhly yoose to any body, and make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git ! " and three well-directed kicks lauded me onto the sidewalk. But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He hez confi- dence in me now, ez I hev paid my board in advance. It's a rool he hez, lie jocosely reuiarked, with men of my peculiar cast uv countenance, to hev em pay in advance. He says it's much the best way. After payin, sich men ez rae feel more comfortable about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's me that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills. Bless the Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and other luxuries ! But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former posishen with my present proud one, I hev not time to dwell upon reminiscences. Life is short ; I am a practical man ; and tho it may be pleasant to linger for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot. My bizn.is in Washington is precisely what every Democrat's biznis here is, to get confirmed. It ain't no trouble for a Kentucky Dimecrat to git appinted, for the President hez so far relaxed his rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez wuzn't never in the Confedrit army ; but to get confirmed is the pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen Senit to run ; and, good Lord, wat a knowlege they hev uv the out-goins and in-comins of the appintees ! The President and Postmaster-General Randall wuz ex- THE LETTER. 401 tremely anxious for my confirmation, so much so, that they advised me to resort to the strategy now so common in the North. " Go back on me for the time bein," sed that trooly great and good m;u who adorns the sofas in the Presidenshul Man- shen. " Wilcox em. That's yoor only holt : Wilcox em. I advised him to do it, and see how it worked." " My dear sir," sed I, carried away by this new and onex- pected development uv greatness, " kin yoo bear to hev me who bears yoor banner in Kentucky bend the knee to a Ablishen Senit, and repoodiate yoo, even for- a hour? It is safe in my case, for my nateral aflSnities are with yoo, but don't, I beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer sir, two thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen, and, ef successful, will forgit to return." But the great and good Johnson wood take no denials. " Draw up," sed he, " a letter to a conservative member uv Congress, explainin yoor connection with me, and — " And overknm with emoshen, he bust into tears. Sadly I tindertook the task, and after four hours uv intense labor, the foUowin wuz completed : — " Hon. , House uv Reps. " My dear Sir : Mj confirmashen by the Senit uv the Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmaster at the Con- federit X Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, bein some- what jeopardized by my operashuns in the politikle field doorin the past two years, 1 hev the honor to explain that, notwith- standin the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, early in the war I took up arms for the preservashen uv our beloved Yooniou. The precise date I cannot give, owin to the de- moralized condishen uv my mind at the time ; but that yoo can assertane for yoorselves. It wuz about two weeks after the fust draft. Tliat I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the regiment struck Southern siie will not, when the motives wich actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin me. It hez bin sed I deserted to the enemy, — so it wuz sed uv John Champe, but history subsekently vindicated him; he went to ketch Arnold. I will not stop to reply to my defamers ; but 26 402 A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION. ef it comes out finally that 1 went for the purpose uv satisfyin rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin to hope for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom I am a average specimen, what kin my enemies say then? " I do not deny that I wuz a ardent supporter uv President Jolinson from the beginning uv his career. I wuz filled with a drafted man's magnanimity toward a conkered foe, and up to the verj' day I reseeved my commishen 1 favored consilatory measures. I accompanied him on his — 1 will not say din- graceful, for he is my sooperior officer — tour thro the Noith- ern States, and slung my hat higher nor anybody else'u at his — I will not say drunken, for reasons above mentioned — speeches, and aboozed the highly intelligent populaces at Cleveland, Injeanapolis, Springfield, and other pints, in a man- ner wich, now that I think uv it, wuz trooly shameful. Also, I organized the Postmasters uv various Northern States into a Johnson party, and vigorously supported members uv Con- gress pledged to the policy uv wich I wuz, at the time, a deceeved supporter. About this time I wuz appointed Post- master ; and, findin I needed confirmashen, my views under- goed a radical change. Time and observashen hev taught me that instid uv consiliasiien, coershen is our best holt ; and that now military measures are necessary in the South ontil them rebellyus people completely acquiesce in terms imposed by Congris for festorashen. My views on this interestin topic is best defined by the recent speeches uv Hon. Ciiarles Sumner, the eminent and trooly great Senator from the enlitened State uv Massachusetts, and also by the recent utterances uv them lovable Representatives. Thadeus Stevens, uv Pennsylvania, and General Butler, uv Massachoosetts, in all uv whose senti- ments, sicli as they hev now, and also them ez they hev alluz lied, .as well ez them which they may hereafter hev, I most heartily and entirely concur. " With this explanation, wich I hope will prove entirely satisfactory, and with the addishnel asshoorance that I am now a very warm supporter of the Congressional policy, and that when I look back and see what 1 hev bin a doin for the past two years, I so loathe myself that I kin hardly be re- A SPASM OF FAITHFULNESS. 403 strained from sooisidin, may I ask you to personally urge my confirmation in the Senit? " Trooly and Respectfully Yours, " Petroleum V. Nasby." I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased to approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited with it, and to Welles, who, after forcing me to read it twice over, wanted to know if it had anythhig to do with the Navy Department, and then returned to the President witli my mind fully made up that / nevei' would send that document. "WatV" sed he, startiu back astonished, "not send it?" " Never ! " sed 1. " Never ! Sich tilings may do for Post- masters and Assessors wich you took from the Republican ranks, but not forme. I hev done many things wich perhaps ■woodn't hold out sixty pounds to the bushel — I voted for Peerce and likewise for Bookannon, and supported em in all their various dooins, besides other things too tejus to men- shun ; but my sensitive soul recoils at this, ■ — my proud stumick revolts. 1 leave it for yoor Ousters and WiJ coxes and sich, — no Kentuckj' Dimokrat kin. Let them reiboze to confirm me at their peril. I am the only Dimocrat in ten miles who kin write, and Jhey dare not, by turning me out, deprive Kentucky, wich never seceded, uv mail facilities." " Brave man ! " exclaimed Johnson, in a husky voice, and his eyes suffused with tears, faUin onto my neck and weepin pro- foosely down my back, " let em reject yoo. Ef they do, 1 pledge yoo my word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo desire it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cqbb, or Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post ofiices." I hev alius noticed that virchoo is its own reward. By bein troo, wot a feeld is now open to me. Let the Senit do its worst. Peteoleum v. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. 404 A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. cxxxv. MR. NASBY TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW. Post Orris, Confbdrit X Roads \ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), \- March 25, 1867. ) " Backerd, turn backerd, Time, in yoor flite," is the fust line uv a song wich I heerd not long since. Wood that Time cood perform that back ackshen feat, and get us all back wher we wuz six years ago. But Time can't. Time is a perpetooal moshen, wich must go on and on, and wich can't never retrace her steps. The situashen ain't pertickelerly agreeable jist now. It hezn't a joocy look, nor does it promise an improvement in the future. The confidence uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky is shaken to the extent that it's lost its equilibrium, and totters to its centre. When it falls, I shel be found under the rooins. The passage of the Military Law may be sed to be the last feather wich reely ought to break the Kentucky camel's back. It's the deepest stab at constooshnel liberty and ekal rites, inezmuch ez it not only blasts forever the ' hopes uv re-estab- lishin slavery, but gives the nigger all the rites and privileges enjoyed by white men. We, who are chiefly interested, are not to be consulted in the matter. Fedral hirelins, whose very presence is pizen to the people uv these States, are to be quar- tered onto us to see that " justis " — wat holler mockry ! — is done to em. The governments established by Androo Johnson is overturned ef they don't play the fiddle to military satraps, and accept the Constooshnel Amendment, wich perhibits them who wuz our champions in the late effort to destroy a government wich we hatid, from takin hold uv it agin and rnnnin it. Wuz ther evfir sich a mixter uv injustis and per- scripshen ? Wuz ther ever sich severity ? Wnz ther ever sich a lack uv magnanimity ? And all tin's time where is John- son ? He vetoed these bills, — but wherefore ? He knowd that the Rump Congress hed a majority uv two thirds, and cood pass em over his veto ; why, then, when they set his GRECIAN STRATEGY. 405 authority at defiance, didn't he rise in his might and disperse em ? Where, too, wuz the Dimocrisy uv the North ? Where are they in this crisis, when our dearest rites is bein ship- recked on the iron-bound rocks uv despotism ? Why don't they rally, ez they threatened, and demand that Johnson shel hurl them levelers from their usurped seats, and restore peace, on sich terms ez we shall consider ekitable, to this wunst happy, but now distracted, country. Alas ! they hevn't time. I see them who breathed so much vengence and slawtrins afore Johnson hed offices to dispose uv, a neglectiu us, and a runnin about gittin signatoors to applicashens for Post Offises, and hoUerin to us ez they ketch their breath, — " Accept the condishens — git back into the Yoonion, that we may elect the President in 1868, who'll give us all the patronage ! " Their noosepapers all shreek, — " Accept, and get back into the Yoonion, that we may elect the next President, who'll give us all the patronage ! " And that ain't the worst uv it. Them wich we bought up with appintments diskivered on a sudden that a Abohtion Senit hed to confirm em, and to seko.or that they hev gone back onto us. Custer is a shinin example, Wilcox is another, and I mite menshun hundreds uv others who hev slid back in the same manner. Troy wuz taken by the strategy uv the Greeks, who exposed a wooden horse, in the bowels uv wich wuz conceeled armed men, wich the verdant Troys pulled inside their gates. An- droo Johnson wuz the wooden horse wich wuz sent into our camp by the Ablishnists, and the offices wuz the armed men in his bowels. They hev bin our rooin. So long ez they wuz in the dim distance, the Democracy wuz hungry and feroshus, and capable uv almost anythin — so soon ez they got em, they become quiet ez lambs. The Postmaster who holds a com- mishn sez to himself, " Wherefore shel I bust the Government under wich I hev a place ? Kin I git another under the new one ? " and he yells to us, " Accept the terms ! " We cap- chered the camp uv the enemy, but are demoralized by the plunder we found. It's the old trick, over agin, these offices, which the white men yoost to play onto the Injins, to wit : — 406 AN ORGAN BACKSLIDES. evacuatin a posishen and leavin a barrel uv whiskey bebind. knowin that the Injin's instincts, like them uv a Kentucky Dimokrat's, wood lead him to git blind drunk, and make him a easy prey to the skelpin knife. The offisis wuz the whiskey wich intoxicated our braves ; and our skelps, so to speek, hang at the belts uv our enemies. Sumner hez many, Thad Stevens hez many, and Butler is a gatherin uv em with a rapidity won- derful to behold. But wat marks the demoralizashen uv the Dimocrisy the most, is the foUerin extract wich I cut from the Noo York World, wunst our trusted organ. '■ As regards the popular notion of the odor of the negro, it may be positively stated that he, in this respect, is like the white, — a clean negro bein free from it, and a foul one cursed by it." Ef this be troo — ef the nigger don't stink, then Noah got drunk, and Ham wuz oust, in vane — then Paul sent back Onesimus for nothin, and Hager is uv no more interest to the Dimocrisy than any other female who hez bin dead several thousand years. The Dimocratic party wuz built upon this stink ; and ef that corner-stun is knocked out, the temple falls, and buried all beneath its rooins who are sheltered under it, uv whom I am the cheefest and the loveliest among ten thousand. At one fell swoop the wind is knockt out uv the sales uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Wat is the nigger now to them ef he does not stink? " Popler noshen," indeed ! Trooly it wuz a popler noshen. That stink led hundreds uv thousands uv Democrats by the nose. That "odor" — :ez the writer styles it — wuz our best holt, and wun wich wuz everything to us. That stink wuz all that elevated the Demokrat over the nigger — that wuz our mark of sooperiority. We, at times, wuz not uv the precise odor uv Nite-bloomin serious. A Democratic mass convenshen, when in a tite room, with two stoves in it, wuz not the most odorous gatherin in the world; but we thanked God cbntinyooally that the smell wich ariz ez the room got hot wuz not the pecooHar aroma uv the nigger, and we wuz comforted. But this writer redooses the whole thing DISCOURAGED. 407 — the wliole difference between the nigger and a Democrat — to a matter of color and cleanliness.. Wat heresy ! Wat iconaclasm ! (this last word meanin, I believe, idol brealiin, or suthin uv that sort). Ef this be iroo, then in Hie nite time, a nigger with his feet washed is better than a Democrat 1 For one, now I care not ef Dr. Cummins' " Last Warnin Cry " be trooly the last. I'm sorry that he rented his house for ninety-nine years, ez it hez a tendencj' to destroy my faith in his beleef that the world is abont peggin out. The sooner Gabrel blows his horn the better I shel be sooted. Here agin this matter uv State offisis comes in. The Dimoc- risy uv Noo York see that nigger suffrage is inevitable, and to sekoor their share uv it, they're biddin in time ; forgettin that while they're acheeviu a temporary success on that side uv the cirkle we're losing all control uv the niggers on this. Wat did the South ever care for Dimokratic successes, 'ceptin ez it bolstered up their niggers ? I'm discouraged. I see afore me trouble. I see but one or two streeks uv lite on my horizon. Ohio won't let her niggers vote no how, and sum other States are in the same fix, and possibly this ackshen may be the sign uv returnin reason. Ohio may, after all, be the rock agin wich the waves uv fanatakism may beet in vane, and conservatism, gatherin strength there, may finally assert itself elsewhere. May the Lord send it, for ef this thing goes on, I'm a lost and rooined man. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. 408 AN OFFICIAL ORDER OXXXVI. MR. NASBY, IN IMITATION OF WADE HAMPTON, TRIES TO CONCILIATE THE AFRICAN. Post Orris, Confedeit X Roads ) (wlch is in the Stait uv Kentucky), r March 28, 1867. ) I HET made many sudden and rather 'strordinary changes in politix — some so very sudden that the movement perdoost conjestion uv the conshence. I rekollect wunst uv advokatin free trade and high protective tariif, all within twelve hours (I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo York in the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manufacturin town in Penn- sylvany in the evenin, our platform bein so construktid that both sides cood find a endorsement in it), and hev performed many other feats uv moral gymnastiks ; but this last change I hev bin called upon to make is probably the suddenest. Last week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and I, wuz engaged in riddin the Corners uv niggers. We hed endoord em ez long ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied hed too much spellin-book into em to be enslaved agin, we wuz preparin notises to be served onto em, orderin em to leave in twenty- four hours, when I reseeved in the northern mail a letter marked " Free — Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G." I knowd it wuz ofEshel to-wunst — that blessid signatoor is on my commisshun, and I've contemplatid it too often to be mistaken in it. Its contents wuz brief, and run thus : — " To all Postmasters in the Southern States : The niggers hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt. See to it." This breef, tho not hard to be understood order, wuz sealed with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis Department, stampt into putty instid uv wax, to wit : a loaf of bread, under a roll uv butter, with ten hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the situation at site, and set about doin my dooty with Spartan firmness. " Deekin," sez I, tearin up the notises, " these nig- gers we hev misunderstood. They are not a inferior race — they are not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't Paul's WHICH WAS PROMPTLY OBEYKD. 409 idea in seudin back Onesimus to condemn him to servitood — we liev misunderstood the situation, and must make amends. The nigger is devoid uv smell, and is trooly a man and a brother ! " " Wat ? " said the Deekin, tippin back in amazement. " Jest wat I say," sez I. " Read tliat," and I flung him the letter. The upshot uv the conference wich foUered wuz the callin uv a meetiii the next nite, at wich all the Ethiopians uv the Corners wuz invited and urged to be present. The trouble avuz to git the niggers to attend the meetin. The fust one I spoke to lafft in my face, and askt nie how long it wuz sence I hed helped hang a couple uv niggers, by way uv finishin off a celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper, got hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that ef the niggers hedn't any more sense than we give em credit for, in sposin we cood bamboozle em so cheep, he sbood go back to the old beleef, to wit: that they wuz only a sooperior race uv monkeys, after all ; and by nite every nigger in the visinity wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood only git four who would promise to attend, and them the Deekin hed to pay |2 apiece to. To give it eclaw I promised one uv em $5 (to be paid at the close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with me, wich, bein a ver}' poor man, and hevin a sick wife in a shanty near by, who wuz suffering for medicine (wich he coodent git without money), he accepted. At this pint an idee struck me. 1 remembered Philadelfy, and determined to hev a scene rivahn the Couch and Orr biz- nis. " Another thing. Cuff. Understand that it's a part uv the bargain that when in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo 'nust rise and embrace me." " Wat ? " sez he. "Fall into my arms, lovin-like — yoo understand — jest as *ii0 we wuz long-lost brothers ! " " Sense me ! " sed he. " I'se a mity low nigger, and wants {r> buy de old woman some quinine, and wood do most anything foah dat ; but, golly, dat's too much ! " " Not a- cent," sed I, sternly, assoomin my most piercinist gaze ; " onless this is included 1 " 410 A STIEEING SPEECH. "Well," returned he, sulkily, " ef I must, I speck I must; but, golly — " The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full. We thot fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the College, but give up the idea ez impracticable, ez, owin to the dillytorinis uv our Northern friends in forwardin sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the corner- stun. In the front wuz the four niggers, all in clean shirts, and on the stand wuz the nigger I hed engaged. Over the platform, wuz the follerin mottoes : — " In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in 1868, Fer- nando Wood. For Vice President, Frederick Duglis." " In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen, beauty — In the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest uv the human species — both." In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mottoes wich Jefferson writ, about yobniversal liberty and sich, wich hedn't bin quoted in Kentucky for twenty years, and postid em up ; in brief, hed Wendell Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over that meetin-house", it wood hev smiled approvinly. I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal brotherhood uv mankind, holdin that whatever else cood be sed, Adam wuz the father uv all mankind, and that the only difference between a white man and a nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The nigger, I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white ; but hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted to agri- cultooral persoots, he hed become tanned to a degree wich, tho it marred his physikle beauty, did not interfere with his sterlin goodnis uv heart. Ther hed bin differences between the races — at times ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not alluz bin ez considrit ez I cood hev wished. They hed flogd sevral uv em, and hung many more, and in times past hed held em in slavery and sich ; but that shood not be thot uv at this happy time. It wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Kentucky wuz eminently a law-abidin State. " Here," sez I, " on this platform, with the flag uv our common country over me, I de- clare eternal friendship to the colored man, and to seel the declarashen I thus embrace — " 'I Tiirs EMP.TtA< E." rai;e 410. A SPOILED SCENE. 411 The cbstinit nigger didn't stir a step. " Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you black cuss," sed I, in a stage whisper. " Come up ! " " No yoo don't, boss ! " sed the nigger, in a loud voice, wich wuz audible all over the church, and holdin out his Land. " I can't trust yoo a bressid minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe dis chile foah dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post ofEs, and ef we's a gwine to hab our ritea de fus yoose I shel put mine to will be the gittin dat money. Pay up fus, and de 'brace afterward. I can't do sich a disagreeable ting widout de cash in advance." This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities wuzn't pre- served. The niggers in front bust out in a torturing laff, and Pollock and Bigler rolld in convulsions uv lafturo, in wich half uv our people joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood of embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his hand ex- tended for the money, with the Deekin and Bascom horror- struck jist behind, formed a tabloo wich wuz more strikin than pleasant. The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz evident to the dullest comprehenshen that nothin more coodent be done that nite. Es yoosual I failed for want uv capital. Hed I bin possesst uv the paltry sum uv five dollars, how diffrent wood hev bin the result ! Perchance we may, thro that defishency, lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin — my salary must be raised. I can't make brix without straw. Joe Bigler met me next mornin, and remarkt that he regrettid the occurrence, ez he ardently desired to see the two races a pullin together. ■' The fault, Perfessor," sed he, " wuz in not managin properly. The next time yoo want a 'spectable nig- ger to sit on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss or embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then, probably — I know he will. Bf he's drunk enuff, he'll hurrah for Johnson, and it's possible to git em down to the pint uv votin with yoo. Lord ! liow whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo to ! " and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin boisterously. " Git em drunk, Perfesser ! " he yelled ez long ez he cood see me. We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice wuz given 412 THE CONNECTICUT ELECTION. in jest; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon it. Whiskey is wat brings white men to us ; and ef a white man kin be thus cap- chered, why not a nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to fall to git down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him. Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich 1 spose the Adminis- trashen will pay for. We hev yet the Noo York Custom House, and more uv the perkesits must be yoosed for pohtikle purposes. Peteoleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXXVII. THE CONNECTICUT ELECTION. Washington, April 7, 1867. The news uv the election in Connecticut created the most profound sensashen at. the Corners. It cum to us onexpected, like a clap uv thunder from a clear sky, like a gleam uv sun- lite thro a mass uv overpowriu black clouds, or like the first streak uv sunlite in the mornin after a long nite uv cholera morbus with no brandy in the house. The Corners hevn't experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv joy sence the receet uv the news uv the Fort Pilier aflair. It perdoost a very singler effect on Deekin Pograra. When I told the news, he wuz engaged a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly belonged to him, that, after all, the Southerners themselves wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood trust ; and that when the time cum for em to exercise the 'lective franchise, ef they hed any regard for their own interests they wood turn their backs on the Ablishnists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed deceevers, and trust them only who knowd em. The Democracy carried Connecticut in the spring of 18G7 by the aid of repeaters from New York. The result was received by the South as evidence of the reaction against the radicals of the North, for which they had been so long looking. A SUDDEN CHANGE. 413 " Samyooel," sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit tone, with one hand on the nigger's shoulder, " why shoodent we love yoo ? Yog are bone uv our bone, and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv one blood — " (this remark the Deekin got into a habit some years ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy North, and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho in this instance, ef I bed bin in his place, I shoodent hev slung it out, owin to the pecooliar construckshen wich mite be put onto it) — '■ and our interests is one, Samyooel." " Deekin," sez I, interruptin him. " Deekin ! Connecticut hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez gone Dimocratic ! " — " Wat ! " sez he, " Dimocratic ? " " Verily," sez I. " A Governer, and three Congressmen out of four." Ther wuz a sudden rtipcher uv the friendly relashens existin between the Deekin and Samyooel the dark complexioned. If he wuz uv the Deekin's flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of mortifyin it ; for never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that unfortunit chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He pitched into him feroshus ; and after pummeliu the astonished Afrikin, who didn't see why the result of a eleckshun shood work sich a change, till he wuz out uv breath, he condenst wat strength wuz remainin into one vigrous kick, exclaimin, — " Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked sweet to yoo under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed into wastin soft sawder onto a nigger — into coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable rite to command — into — " " Wat does all dis mean ? " sed the nigger, faintly. " Mean ! " sed I to him ; " my frend, this is the reaction we've heard so much about — it's arriv. It means that there is a exceedinly good chance uv yoor bein redoost agin to yoor normal speer ; uv yoor comin down from the high liess yoove bin a ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren. It means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor a good deal more valyooable to us now than yoo wuz a hour ago. Go, my friend, and buy salve for yoor brooses ; for unless yoor heeled yoor valyoo will be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to sell for a low price — woodent yoo ? " I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin, and come on to Washinton. 414 A CABINET JOLLIFICATION. The nite I arrived there wuz higli carnival at the White House. The President wuz in tall feather. There wuz Connecticut visible all over him. He iied a wooden nutmeg for a buzzum pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from his watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they wuz drinkin punches made of Noo England rum, with small slices uv Wethersfield onyuns in em insted uv lemons. Randall sprung toward me ez I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand, the President by tother, and we then — not altogether onlike the three graces — embraced. They hed the advantage uv me, ez they hed one odor — the onion — wich I hedent, but 1 stood it. Why not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of those hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed they bin eatin assafoetida. At this juncterSekretary Welles come in. " Ha ! " said he, " why this unwonted hilarity ? why this joy wher greef generally holds her courts? " " The Connecticut elecshun," said Sewai'd. "0, to be sure," sed the venerable old man, vacantly ; '■' I remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some other man who wuz elected over — over — wat wuz his name ? — our candidate ? " " That wuz last yeer I " sed Seward, angrily. " Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State vote agin ? " asked he, innocently, to wich no anser wuz given. But very little attention is paid to Sekretary Welles by any one 'ceptin Seward ; and the fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep him postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence that he's breakin up. It's evident that he's passin into his dotage. There wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther, and Saul& bury, and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and Seymour, and Brooks, and congratulatory letters wuz read. John C. Breckinridge hoped this auspicious event wuz the beginnin nv good feelin, presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph uv them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his friends. Mayor Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped that, after this evidence uv returnin reason, President Johnson wood not hesitate to re- move that second Butler, General Sheridan, who wuz ojus to every friend the President had in the city uv wich he wuz Jollification- at tiik ^Vhitic llmsi:, — Tiil Tiilke (il-am:s. I'. 414. THE REMOVAL OF THE INSTITUTE. 415 lately Mayor. General Wise sent his congratulashens ; but ez they okkepied thirty-eight pages uv legal cap paper, closely written, they wuzn't read. Mosbj'' sent a allegoricle pipe made uv a corn cob, onto wicli wuz carved a symbolicle nig- ger, with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his wool, with his congratulations ; and Fernando Wood, and Jesse D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn, and Vallandigham wanted to know now whether or not the President wuz a goin to accept the situashen, and take the Dimocratic party to his buzzum? Ef so, he hed a list uv apintments for Southern Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question arose whether or not I hed not better move my Classiclo and Military Institoot to Connecticut ? I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst asked, ez pertinent to the question, whether or not ther wuz a distillery in Connecticut ; and sekond, whether or not ther wuz a vacant post offis within four miles uv it. * Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold out indoose- ments that he coodent fulfill. He wuz honest. Honesty wuz his best holt — simple, childlike strate-forwardniss in his deelins in politix wiiz his cheef failin, and hed well nigh been his rooin. The first query wuz easy to anser — the eleckshun returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intellek that ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut or very handy to the State ; but ther wuz no Post Offisis to spare. To carry the State every wun of em hed bin solemnly promised. The President remarkt that he reely shoodent think that triflin circumstance wood interfere with ^ivin uv em to other men. At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that onless I cood hev a better post oiEs than tlie wun I bed, I woodent go. I cood go and cood move wat there is uv the College bildins. It woodent cost much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I spose a better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than the cost uv ti'ansportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic College is built that must be the corner stun uv it. That stun is hallowed. Ther ^re tender assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the corner-stun uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill. But I won't go to Connecticut onless my subsistence is 416 A DEMORALIZED YANKEE. asshoored. Ther is more money ther than in Kentucky ; but I doubt whether they wood support me ez well. I kin under- stand why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky — he's in- terested in niggers. I kin appreciate the Dimocrisy uv Suthern Injeany, Illinois, and Ohio, coz they come from that region, and the sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I kin understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando Wood's deestricks, but pardon rne — I want to keep very clear uv Connecticut Democrats. A people anywhere in Noo Eng- land wich kin deliberitly ally theirselves to us is just the kind uv people I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust a Yankee who hez dickered away his interest in Bunker Hill. I hev notist that a Noo Englander wich comes South and married an old maid, or a widder with a plantation, wuz never to be trustid; and it's my experience that a demoralized Yankee — one who' hez shed his early trainin, and took up anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest specimefi uv a white man on the face uv the green earth. He hez the acootnis wich is born uv a barren soil, without the Puritanism to keep it within bounds; he possesses the ability to make a livin on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a easier subsistence in milder climes ; and instid uv fishin for mackrel he goes South and fishes for men. A Noo Englander, unre- strained by grace, is pizen, and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv em. I hev heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin we may well be thankful for. I have always been thankful that the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez brains and will. Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand no show ; and, besides, I hev too much self-respeck to soshiate with em on terms uv equality. Instid uv foragin on them, they'd manage to live on me. I hev lambs to sheer in Kentucky, and I don't care about changin em. 1 don't want to throw any cold water onto this festive occasion, it bein a element we all despise ; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her continyooin troo ? Ef I understand it, we won by means uv patronage, and runnin a War Democrat — a bein I, in common with all the troo Democrisy, despise. We can't do it agin. The next blast that swppp- fiom the North will bring to our ears a story uv another kind One swaller don't make a spring. I hev THE RUSSIAN PURCHASE. 417 knowd uv calves being born with two heads. This election, I lear me, is one uv these monstrosities wich Naclier sometimes perdooses to show what she is capable uv. It ain't normal. I hev no ohjeckshun to yoor feelin good over it — it rejoict me, coz it'll gi\e our friends South courage, and may skeer the Radicals into givin us better terms, but — My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury,. who hed bin sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle, and the odor uv the onions overcomin him he rolled under the table, and very shortly thereafter the meetin broke up. 1 leave for home to-morrer, or ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. CXXXVIII. THE RUSSIAN PURCHASE. Washington, April 1+, 1867. It's done ! Seward did it — him and me! The American Eagle hez coz now to screem with redoubled energy. Ef the Nashnel bird wuz a angel, I shood remark to it, " Toon yoor harp anoo ; " but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the Rooshen purchis. The idea originatid in these massive intelleck. When I wtiz here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz a crowdin the sainted Johnson for a mishun. Cowan wantid a mishun, and so did Doolittle ; and that day pretty much all uv the delegates to the Cleveland and Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin some kind uv a place ; wat, thej' wuzn't pertikeler. One gen- tleman, whose nose (wich trooly blossomed as the lobster) be- tokened long service in the party, urged that he hed bin a The President was overrun by the seedy place-hunters who joined his faction in hope of attaining positions they never could get otherwise. The Blair fam- ily were candidates for almost every prominent position in the govermnent. 27 418 A DANGEROUS POSITION. delegate to both Convenshens. • " Thank God ! " sed Johnson. " Wood that both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv tlie same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places only half ez much ez I am." I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When the crowd wantin places become too great for human endoorance, I wood say, in a modrit tone, " Let's go out and git suthin ; " and to-wunst fully half wood exclaim, " Thank yoo, I don't keer if I do ! " It wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety, and solissitood in the gittin uv ofiises and free drinks wuz about an ekal thing. The offisis they wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler end ; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without the trouble uv the former, they wiiz content. A good constooshen and a copper-lined stumick carried me thro this tryin ordeel, until I came across a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv the perhibitory law, hed bin, for some time on short rashens, and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington, and 1 succumd. The man's talent wuz wonderful. Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair family. He hed did his level best for em. He hed appinted em to Col- lekterships and furrin mishuns ; but the crooel Senit, wich hed no respeck for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us bj perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by Mon1> gomery and the old man, I sejestid the purchis uv the Eooshen Territory, to wich not only they cood be sent, but a thousand uv others wich we hed on our hands ; and the Sekretary wuz so pleased at the idea that he wept like a child. He set imejitly about gittin testimonials ez to the valyoo uv tlie territory, to inflooence the Senit in ratifyin the treat)' he was agoin to make. He wrote to a naval officer about it, who answered more promptly than I ever knowd a naval offiser to do, ez fol- lows : — " It's trooly a splendid country ! The trade in the skins uv white bears kin be, if properly developed, made enormous. There is seals there, and walruses so tame that they come up uv their own akkord to be ketched. " P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a naval stashen TESTIMONIALS. 419 will be necessary. May I hope that my long services on the rioridy Coast will prove sufEshent recommendashen for the command uv the depot ? May I ? " I hev the honor to be,"' &c. A distinguished Perfessor wrote : — " The climate is about the style uv that they hev in Washin- ton. The Gulf Stream sweeps up the coast, causing a decided twist in the isothermal line, wich hez the effeck uv making it ruther sultry than otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I recommend strongly the purchis. " P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin expedishen will be necessary. May I hope that my scientifEk attainments are suffishently well known to yoo to recommend me as a proper person to head the expedishen ? May I ? " I hev the honor to be," et settry. The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He wuz full uv the old fogy idea that it wuz rather chilly there than otherwise. He hedn't faith in the Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about the Gulf Stream. It wuz his experience that the further North yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he remarkt, that while the people wuz warm toward him in Virginny and Mary- land, last fall, they became very cold ez be got North. Wher wuz the Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then ? Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the isothermal line twisted. He notist that the people made it ez hot for em ez he wantid it ez fur North ez Cleveland ; to wich Sekretary Welles replied, that it only confirmed him in the opinion that for platin vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank any time. Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst. He read his letters, wich set forth the beauties and advantages uv the country twict over. Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and seals, and white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sea-lions, and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit ez mild and equable ez the meridian uv Washinton. The isothermal line wuz more 420 THE REAL POINT. accommodatin ther than in any other part uv the world. It cork-screwed through the territory so ez to grow fine peaches for exportation to the States, and ice to the Sandwich Islands, side by side. He drawd a picter uv the white bear a rushin over the hne, and disportin hisself in fields uv green peas ! Imagine, he remarked, the delicacy uv polar bear meat fattened on strawberries ; think uv the condishn the sea-lions must be in which leave their watery lairs to feed on turnips wich grow above the 60th parallel ; think uv — " It won't do," sed the President. " Think uv," retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis uv in- telleli remarkable, " think uv get.tin rid uv the Blairs forever ! " " Will the Abhshn Senit ratify the treaty ? " askt Johnson, eagerly. " I converst with many on the subjick, and they sed ef we cood promise that the Blairs would accept posishens ther, they wood do it cheerfly. For sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me, $7,000,000 is a mere bagatelle." " I'll do it," sed Johnson. " I agree with the Senators for once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it out uv Mrs. Cobb's share in our jint spekelashens. Freedom from the Blair family ! Good Hevings 1 kin one man be so blest ? Is ther sich in store for me ? $7,000,000 ! Pish ! " My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez the vencher is from a commershl stan-pint, in a politikle pint uv view, the advantagis will be still heftier. The Rooshn territory will finally be the chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be manipulated with- out trouble, and the climit is favorable to a strickly Democratic populashen. The trouble with us here is that the amount uv , likker necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills him afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many times, wich keeps us in a perpetooal minority. Our strength is, for climatic rea- sons, our weaknis. Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the happy native may drink his quart per day — the bracin atmos- phere makin it abslootly nessary for him. Ther is the troo Democratic paradise. How often hev I sighed for sich a coun- try. Then again, ther are posishens uv profit. The delegates to Congriss will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about THE ASSIGNMENTS. " 421 $15,000 per isession, mileage, wich is $30,000 per year, $60,000 per term. He cood afford to serve without the paltry $5,000, wicli wood be cheep legislatin, indeed. And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz made by telegraph at a expense uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely con- clooded, some other little incidentals wuz inclooded bv the Zar, wich run the price up to $10,200,000, but that wuz nothin flir us. Seward went at his work with great energy. The purchis wuz divided up into six territories (for the number uv delegates to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all bed to be provided for), wich wuz named, respectively, Johnson, Seward, Cowan, Doolittle, Randall, and Welles. For the one in the extreme North, the furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor ; for the next, Montgomery ; and the next, the old man, and the other three wuz held in reserve for the pure but unfortunate patriots wich might be hereafter rejected for the Austrian mishun. A list wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various convenshuns, and them ez hed bin martyred by the Senit ; ther names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift Enterprises, and the Judgeships, Marshalships, Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by lot. This ijee waz sejested by Postmaster-General' Randall, ez bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the appintments from his department hed alluz bin made in this manner, ez it saved time in eggsaminin petitions, cirtifikets uv fjtnis, and sich. In this way, about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent, uv those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided for. The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The Adminis- tration feelin the releef it hez gin em, are already negotiatin for the British Provinces. This territory kin, by makin uv em a little smaller, be divided up into — say, forty — which, by makin a few more offises for each, and bein libral with explorin expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to give places to all who really have claims upon us and who are pushinv.us. The President breathes easier, and the Secretary is placid ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the Gordian knot ; he hez releeved hisself uv the boa constrickter wich wuz crushin hira in its folds. Happiness pervades the White House. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor. 422 A SLIGHT ALTEEATION. cxxxix;. A SLIGHT ALTERATION IN THE NAME AND POLICY OP MR. NASBY'S " INSTITOOT." Post Opfis, Confedkit X Koads y (wicU is in the Stait uv Kentucky), )- April 22, 18B7. > Times changes, and men change jist ez fast ez times. I shood like to see the times wich kin change faster than I kin ; but this last shift I hev bin forced to make, ruther took my breth. It wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshiin didn't do us much good after all. We felt well over it for perhaps a day ; but ez we begun to git other indicashens from the North, we didn't jist see how that little spirt w'uz agoin to help ns. Cin- cinnati went Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto ; and most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flattened. The cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin Pogram's assault upon a nigger, on the receet uv the intelligence uv the election news, notified me ofHcially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho the post offis shood be discontinyood.' " The nigger vote must be cap- cherd. It's essensliel. Wade Hampton sez so," wrote Randall to me, and I reprimanded the Deekin for his recklessniss, and borrowed four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man in the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make it all rite with him. We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty uv the Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last evening, to decide wat course that instooshn wuz to take in the grate Work uv surroundin the Ethiopian. In sich a time ez this, ez I menshened to Captain McPelter, it won't do for our insti- tooshuns uv learning to stand back. These great levers, the molders uv public opinion, must be ez progressive ez the pro- gressiveist, and must change like other things to meet the requirements uv the times. We hev commenst our march into Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels uv the land without impediment, to speak uv — let us persevere. Let us capcher the Ethiopian, stink and all. HAM AND JAPHETH. 423 The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bascom's, owin to the fact that it wuz rainin, and the roof uv the Post Offis leaks. I he d an appropriashen some time since from the Department for repairs ; but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for re- pairs on the Post OfEs or the Postmaster, I gave the prizner the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new pair uv boots. I cood better endoor the slite inconvenience uv occasional rain than to go barefoot. I made a statement uv the case, and sejested a radical change in the Institoot. Captain McPelter agreed with me. He felt that ther hedn't bin that complete, hearty recognition uv our Afrikin brethren as there ought to be. He hed on several occasions allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better of his proodence, and hed waded into em alarmin. The old ijee of Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed bin so drilled into him in his yooth, that he hed to wrestle with it to keep it in control, and in spite uv himself it often got the better uv him. He sejested that the name uv the Institoot be changed from " The Southern Military and Classikle Institcxjt," to " The Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intellek uv all Races, irrespective uv Color." That he thought would anser the required end. The colored men who choose to avail theirselves of the priviliges aflbrded by this institooshn, when it is finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint. They are recognized. They are given the precedence. They stand first in the matter and foremost. Wat more kin they ask ? " Bascom hed a series uv resoiooshuns wich he desired to present. He sed it mite be looked upon ez strange that he shood favor the concentrashun uv free niggers at the Corners, but he hed good and suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith that constant contact with the Board wood bring em to the pint uv patronizin his bar ; but ef it didn't, be knowd perfectly well that the Board and Fakulty wood manage tb git all they hed, for board and tooition, wich he wuz perfectly certin he'd git in the end. Wat he wanted wuz people here ; to yoose an illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv this Insti- toot wuz the tunnel through wich the wealth uv all uv em wood be conducted to his coffers. I fell onto hia neck in rapcher, and then vowed that I wuz willin to die for his 424 DECLARATORY RESOLUTIONS. good — that I cared not how much uv other people's money run through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The resoloo- shens presented read ez follows : — " Besolved, That the name uv the Southern Military and Classikle Institoot be changed to ' The Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intelleck uv all Races, irrespective uv Color.' "Besolved, That in makin this change, we, the Board uv Directors, do so, assertin, •' 1. That in this emergency we are justified in doubtin whether Noer got tite at all, the statement in the Skripters to that effect bein ondoubtedly an error uv the translators. " 2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss tlam at all. " 3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't intended to extend beyond Canaan at the furthest, and hence his descend- ants go scot free. ' " 4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly intended to attach to all uv Ham's descendants, irrespective uv color, to the end uv time, it ain't uv no effeck in Kentucky, ez that State hez alius run irrespective uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez hez bin adoptee! by her Legislacher. " 5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective uv color, is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which we hev alluz practically held, no matter what we may, for effect, hev ged, ez the num- ber uv mulattoes, to say nothin uv them still farther bleached in Kentucky, abundantly proves. " 6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is trooly a man and a brother ; and the female Ethiopian, also irrespective uv color, trooly a woman and a sister. " Besolved, That this Institoot, whose name is now so happily changed, shel be conducted upon the principles uv strict ekality, irrespective uv color. " Besolved, That when we reflect that the bloated aristocracy uv England interdoost, and the early settlers uv Massachoosets sankshund, slavery on this continent, forcin it really onto us, we bile with indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane ourselves. " Besolved, That at the tables, in the choice uv rooms, and in THE deacon's doubt. 425 all matters where there is a choice, the African man and brother, irrespective uv color, shel hev the precedence. " Resolved, That Oberlin College, by not givin the sons uv Ham, irrespective uv color, the precedence, shows clearly that it is actooated by narrer-minded prejudice, wich deserves the reprobashen uv every lover uv his kind. " Resolved, That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, kin change his skin, and that his oder, ef he hez any, is rather pleasant than otherwise. " Resolved., That we look with loathing upon the States North, wich, allu^ professin friendship for tiie noble black man uv the cotton fields, refoose to take him to their buzziim^, irrespective uv color. " Resolved, That ef Massachoosits and Vermont, and North- ern Illinois, and the Western Reserve in Ohio, are honest in their professions uv love for the negro, they will come down with donashuns to assist in the completion uv the Academy." Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He had bin edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a bleever in Onesimus. He doubted. Sposen after all this concesion the nigger shood play off onto us ? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all, but cling to bis Northern friends ? Or spose he shood vote with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git control, wat then ? How cood we redoose em to ther normal condition ag'in after all this palavrin ?. Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Deekin's obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the Ablishnists, we wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat they proposed to do any how. Ef, on the other hand, they didn't, what then ? The trouble with em now is, they know too much. " Let em," sed Bascom, warmin up, '' let em associate with us a j^ear, let em vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve months they're precisely fitted agin to be servance unto their brethren. Look," sed he, " at the Northern Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to bring these men in time." But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly Nash, of South Caroliny, wuz unanimously called to a professorship ; and a young gentleman uv color, who, from his strong resemblance 426 A SERMON KILLED. to Elder Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unanimously elected a member of the Board. The yoonyun is perfect. Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands, and are embracin each other. May prosperity' attend the nupchels, and may the isshoo be fortunate. I hev got over the disgust attendant upon the fust chill, and am consekently feelin well. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham and Japheth Free Academj' for the Development uv the Intelleck uv all Races, irrespective uv Color. CXL. MR. NASBY PREACHES A SERMON, THE EFFECT OF WHICH IS DESTROYED BY NORTHERN PAPERS. Post Offis, Confedkit X Roads (wicli is in tlie Stait uv Kentucky), April 25, 1867. We are in trouble down here with these cussid niggers. They are harder to manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther pecoolyarities. Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method in their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I reely hev made up my mind that I don't understand em at all. They cuddle up to us ez kind ez a bloomin maiden does to her first adored, and they fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden does when number two heaves in site. They behave well for a season, aperrently for no other purpose than to enjoy our discomfiture when they final!}' throw us. 1 hev bin a gittin a suspishen thro me that thej' ain't half ez stoopid ez they look ; and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth when we say, in our'resolooshens, that they are the ekals uv the whites. Why shoodn't they be ? Why, shoodent the nigger boj', wich is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's feechers THE SERMON TTSELP. 427 ez like ez a photografF, hev ez much sense ez the Deekin ? I hev egsamined into the pedigree uv that nigger, and 1 find that his mother hed the hawtiest blood uv Virg.inny coursin toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the Pogram mix coodent materially depreciate in one generashen. I hed the niggers uv the X Roads handsomely in tow up to yisterday. I hed em attendin services last Sunday at the meetin-house, and by private arrangement hed em seated miscellaneously among the awjence. Dekiu Pogram hed a wench, wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise, atween him and his wife, while four other niggers ornamentid his pew. Bascom, with alacrity, consented to three ; and Elder Gavitt provided seats for four. It wuz a pleasant site ! White and black wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board — nig- gers and whites wuz spread out together like the fat and lean in pork ; and ez I seed it I cood hardly restrane my emoshens. There before me wuz the. regenerashun uv the Democratic party — there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley and shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up on the high ground uv ofiishel life. I preached that day from two texts, to wit : " Uv one blood did he make all the nashens uv the earth," and " All ye are brethren." I demonstrated with great fervor the loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take the trouble to create two or more races when one wood do ez well — wich idea is alluz well reoeeved in this region. All men form their idea uv the Deity from themselves ; and I never knowd a Confedrit Cross Reader to make two things when one wood anser. I refuted the theory, that there wnz more than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and demolished the Ham doctrine at site. " Ef," sed I, " Noer did cuss Ham, and condemn Canaan to be a servant unto his brethren, how do we know that our colored brethren and sistren is the desendants uv Ham and Canaan ? It may be us for all we know ! Is it his color ? Is not black jest ez convenient a color ez white ? " "More so," murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep, "more so — it don't show dirt." " Is it his shape ? 0, my brethren, I ain't a handsome man. 428 THE SCENE AFTER SERVICE. nor wood I exactly anser for a model for Apoller. Bf beaut}', or comeliness, or shape, is to decide the pint, the Lord help us ! Is it his smell ? The New York World asserts that the nigger hain't no smell, and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev ? Standin under the common flag uv our countrj', with his hand upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and his beamin eye turned exultinly toward our nashnel emblem, the eagle, shall not our Afrikin brother be allowed to smell jist ez he chooses ? Ef smell must be uniform, then let our Government establish a Burow nv Perfoomery to-wunst. I take high religious grounds in this matter. Ef he hez a natural odor, the Lord give it to him. Let us not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it. Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the colored gen- tleman or lady is the work uv the Lord — the odor uv yoor unwashed feet is yoor own — wich shood stand the highest? '• I acknowledge that I hev not long held these views. 1 hev shared the common prejudis, and hev contemned our friends uv color ; I hev despitefully used 'em ; I hev gone for 'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz becoz 1 didn't know 'em. I didn't see the kernel of meat under the rough shell : I didn't recognize the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal. My eyes hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite. Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskivered many things. I hev mostly found out all these things sence that occurrence. Let us accept the situashen, and bless the Lord that it hez resultid in developin excellences where we didn't expect to find 'em." There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz over. Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder Gavitt shook hands with em with a degree uv corjality T didn't expect. They develop a degree uv adaptability to circumstances wich I didn't look for. I really bleeve if I'd a told em that it wood hev a good eft'eck to kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done it. But I spared em this. There is such a thing ez laying it on too thick. But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz a heavy mail that day. In addition to the paper wich Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper, takes, ther wuz eight others ; and to my surprise they wuz all directed to niggers. " Wat is this ? " THE NORTHERN PAPER. 429 thot 1 to myself. " Hev the Ablishnists uv the North deter- mined upon proselytin these men, and are they goin to flood this country with their incendiary readin ? Ez a Federal officer it's my dooty to look into the matter ! " Imagine my delirious joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers from Noo York and Ohio ! " Thank Heaven ! " sed I, " our people hev awakened to a sense uv the necessity uv doin suthin ; " and I handed the papers out to em, exhortin uv em to read em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the trooth. I rather think they read em, for from that time out they avoided me ez though I hed the plague. Ef I wuz a goin down the street, and one uv em wuz a comin up, he'd cross the street ; and the pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indi- catid tiiat it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him. They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers. Unable to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and asked why I wuz treated thus ? DeUbritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them cussid Northern papers, and pintid indignantly to a editorial article. It was perfoosely headed in this wise : — Slid niggers vote ? — Sliel the prowd Gaucashen be redoost to a ekality with the disgus in Afrikin ? — Is this a white man's government or not ? — Ameriky for lohUe men ! Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this headin, " 'Pears like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good feelin towards us colored men on de part ob de Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to be. 'Pears like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears like, ef Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de country, dar's a cussid site ob humbug a goin on down heah ! " Wat cood I say ? Wat cood I do ? There it wuz in black and white ; and from papers whose Dimocrisy cood not be questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid. The nigger stalked liawtily and proudly away in one direckshen, while I sneaked off ruther sneakinly in another. I hev one word to saj' to our brethren in the North. Yoo'r dcublin our troubles, and makin our burdens harder to bear. 430 DEATH OP ELDER GAVITT. Why havn't yoo common sense ? Wat hurt wood nigger suf- frage do yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's millions uv em? Can't yoo see it? On all questions heretofore the Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We hev bin Free Trade in Noo York and Tariff in Pennsylvany the same year, and %ve cood do it. Then Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoor- ences from papers, owin to their inability to perooze em rapidly, it bein so long afore they got a word spelled out that they forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the continuity uv the narrative, ef I may so speak, and wat we told em really wuz gospel. That won't do with the niggers down here. Ho reads, he does ; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, who reads lor him, and they know wat they know jist ez well ez anybody. Let em stop ham- merin the nigger. It won't do. Ef he's to be a man and a brother here, he must be a man and a bi-other there. Ef the Dimocrisy must hev a race to look down on, let em tui-n their attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but from this time out the nigger is sacred. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intellek uv aU Races, irrespectiv of Color. CXLI. THE DECEASE OF ELDER GAVITT, Post Offis, Confedkit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentuclcy), C May 2, 1867. ) A ELITE hez fallen o'er my soul. My eyes, albeit unused to the meltin mood, hev distilled nothin but tears for twelve hours. A Filler hez fallen ! In the meetin-house there is a BIRTH AND EDUCATION. 431 vacant pew, and a chair at Bascom's is without a setter. Last nite, at precisel}' nine P. M., Elder Abimileck Gavitt departed this life. I weep ez 1 write. The Elder wuz snufft out jest ez the flowers uv spring wuz cumin — jest ez the weather wuz a gittin warm enough to go barefool^d — jest when it wuzn't nessary to bother about gettin fire-wood, or be concerned about feedin the stock — jest when it begins to be comfortable a sittin onto the grocery stoop — jest at the threshhold uv six months' enjoyment. Why wuz he taken ? Ekko ansers. The ways uv Providence is inskrootable. Elder Gavitt wuz a native uv North Karliuy, wich State he left in the blush uv early manhood, jist after he wuz married. Wat he left North Karlinj' for, I never wuz able to assertane percisely ; but I hev understood that it waz suthin in connec- tion with a smoke-house, and the hams wich did ha;ng therein. He wuz in a Whig naberhood — his naber, the proprietor of the smoke-house, wuz a Whig — ther wuz sum hams missed — the rinds wuz found in his possession — Whig intolerance and persekooshen. Upon sich slite evidence he wuz adjudged guilty of theft, and wuz ignominiously rid on a rale, and ordered to leave the country in twenty-four hours, wich he did, driftin nat'rally to Kentucky. Thank Heaven for sich out- rages ! But for sich, Kentucky wood either hev bin a Repub- lican State, or wood hev remained unsettled. Elder Gavitt wuz alluz a Democrat uv the strictest sect. He voted for Jackson, and reglerly for every Democratic candi- date sence. He didn't read very much ; indeed, he coodent do it all all, and wuz, consekently, stedfast in the faith. He wuzn't shook about, and driven hither and yon by every wind, but remained thro life fast in the groove into wich he lied bin origenelly sot. His politikle creed wuz made up uv this one idee, to wit : Hatrid uv Noo England. He hatid Noo England becoz Noo England hatid whiskey, wich he coodent git along without, and slavery, uv wich he bed a hundred niggers. He votid agin Noo England all his life reglerly, and ez many times on each eleckshen day ez he cood, without risk. My acquaintance with the deceest commenst about three years ago. It wuz at his house I stopt on my advent into 432 THE CAUSE OP HIS DEATH. these parts. Ther wuz no need uv formal introduckshena — ther wuz already a bond atween us wich knit our souls together. His eye, ez it lit onto ray nose, lighted up with a smile ; and ez I gazed on hizzen, I felt that he wuz indeed a man and a brother. He took me in — he sheltered me — he gave me whereof to eat a©d to drink and to make merry, and with him I tarried till I wuz reglerly installed ez paster uv the Church, and thereby reglerlj' provided for. The cause uv the Elder's death wuz a broken h'eart. He wuz a ardent Coufedrit, and manfully bore up under the reverses of the war. His courage wuz unshaken doorin the repeated successes uv the Federal armies ; and even when emancipation deprived him xiv his slaves, he still hed faith that, evenchooally, all wood be well. "We may be beeten now," wuz his constant remark, " but the Northern Dimocrisy are all right, and thro them we'll yet conker ! " Confidin in em, bleevin in em, he held out up to the passage uv the Military Reconstruckshen Bill. I then saw a change steal insensibly over my venerable friend. His head bowed with supprest grief — his bosom throbbed with the emoshen that wuz strugglin for uttrance. He wood come over to my offis five or six times a day, and ask me to read him that passage uv the law givin the nigger the ballot. I wood do it, when, without sayin a word, he wood reel off, with tears flowin down his wasted cheeks, to Bascom's. I wood foller him, to see that no harm came to him. The old man wuz so broken thait he'd pay for his own hkker and mine too, without noticin. Fearin to awaken unpleasant emoshens in his mind, I never menshened the latter circumstance. Things grew worse with him. When Randall wrote to me to consiliate the niggers, the old man obeyed without a murmur. Democrisy wuz his first idea, and he obeyed her behests, tho 'twuz consoomin his very sole. He shook hands with niggers, tho the touch wuz ez red hot iron ; he took two uv em into his pew, tho his promoxity to em set him a shakin like the ager ; and he votid to change the name and objects uv the Institoot, tho the convulsive workins uv his face showd wat the struggle cost him. Day by day the Elder faded. The iron entered his sole, and THE SAD EVENT. 433 it wuz eatin him up by degrees. He walked the streets listlessly, his eyes suffoosed with tears, and bis lips movin ez ef mutterin suthin to hisself. I become concerned for him, and so did the entire eirkle. Bascom figgered up his akkount at his bar, and went to the records to see whether his farm wuz unencumbered, and sich uv the neighbors ez hed lent him small sums sot about gittin em. Last Sunday the pitcher went to the well for the last time.i I hed four niggers in his pew, upon whom he looked vacantly, but sed nothin. After servis, I stopped him. " Elder," sez I, in a whisper," it wood hev a good effeck ef yoo cood kiss them little nigger girls." " Parson ! " sed he, tremblin like a leaf, " is it absolootely necessary ? " " It is the dooty uv evry Dimokrat, in this crisis, to kiss ez manjr nigger children ez possible." A strange expression lit up the old man's countenance. In a frenzied manner he kissed all there wuz in the church, and commenst on the adult females uv that persuasion. With difficulty we restrained him ; but breakin loose from us, he startid down the street, a runnin down and kissin every nigger child his eyes restid on. Finally he sunk to the erth eggs- austid, and we bore him to his house and put him to bed. From that bed he never ariz. He wuz a goner. We hed to give him his likker in a spoon, and I never knowd a Kentuck- ian to recover who wuz past drinkin out uv a bottle. Slowly his strength wasted. Yesterday he ralHed and asked for me. " Perfesser ! " sed he, with an eflfort, " is Kentucky to rool the niggers, or the niggers to rool Kentucky? Has Dimoc- risy swallered the nigger, or the nigger swallered the Dimocrisy ? " And all wuz o'er ! He fell back a piece uv clay, wich never cood rally to tlie poles agin. Bascom and I turned aside and wept. Sed Bascom, '• Hed he lived two years more I wood hev hed his farm." " Not any," sed I, bustin into teers. " I wood hev hed it to endow the Institoot." " In that event it wood evenchooally hev bin mine," gasped Bascom, relapsin into a fresh spasm uv grief. 28 434 THE FUNEEAL. We buried him yesterday. It wuz the biggest funei'al ever knowd at the Corners. It wuz a tetchin site. Staudiu around his bier, wuz his four children by his first wife, and his six children by his second wife, and twelve or fifteen other chil- dren uv all colors, from that uv a new saddle up to dark molasses, who insisted upon bein counted in ez mourners. It wuz the tightest place I wuz ever in in my life. " My friends," sed I to em, " is this seemly ? Is this proper ? " They replied that it wuz. " I mourn a father," sed one ; " not much uv a father, but he wuz the only one I ever had." " I mourn a husband," sed the mother uv the first speaker, " not legally a husband, but morally, or rather, immorally." " We weep," sed all these various shades in korus, and they bustid out into a torrent uv greef wich completely extinguished them on the tother side uv the grave, wich hed the legal rite to mourn. Ez a matter uv coarse, it ended in a row. Issaker Gavitt swore that no cussid bleached niggers shood shed teers at. his father's funeral ; and Amandy flew at a quadroon wich wuz cryin too prominently, and Mrs. Gavitt attacked the quadroon's mother who wuz displayin altogether too much white pockit handkercher. In the melee I left, satisfied that Democrisyhez altogether too many rough pints to git over pleasant. I feel it my dooty to erect a monument to the memory uv this good and troo man — this martyr to Democrisy. Demo- krats, feelin an interest in the matter, and wishin to contribute to the work, may send by mail sich donashens ez they see fit, to me, with perfect confidence that thej' will be yoosed. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor. THE RELEASE OP JEFFERSON DAVIS. 435 CXLII. TRIUMPHAL PROGEESS OF J. DAVIS FROM FORTRESS MONROE TO RICHMOND. The " Spottswood," Richmond, Va., ) May 13, 1867. \ In castin a retrospective glance backerd over the pathwa}' uv the past, I kin see many mistakes wich I hev made. I hevn't alluz made the most uv opportoonities — I hev doubted when doubtin wuz a crime, and I hev stood sliivrin on the brink and feared to launch away, when on the tother side uv the Jordan wuz pelf and profit. Our foresite isn't alluz ez good ez our hind-site. The great error uv my life wuz not plungin head- long into the war ez a Confedrit Major-General, distinguishin myself for crooelty to Fedral prizners, and bein, at the close uv the fratrisidle struggle, reseeved and embraced ez a long- lost brother by the Northern people (lettin em kill fattid calves for me), and uv coorse bein the objeck uv sympathy ez a martyr bj' the Southern people. In this sitooashen a man brings to his support the two extremes. He fetcjjes together Horris Greely from the one side, and General Boregard from the t'other — they embrace, and standin onto both their shol- ders, he hez wat may be called a soft thing uv it. I wuz led into these train uv reflections by the experience I hev hed with our sainted cheef, Jefferson Davis. I wuz sent hither by the President to see that everythin wuz done for the comfort uv the illustrious man that cood be done, on the occar sion uv his contemplatid trip to Richmond. Partikelerly I wuz charged to see that everything calkelatid to jar onto his sensi- tive feelins be removed — everythin wich cood wound his sense uv hearin, seein, or smellin. The grate man had consentid to go. He hed bin, he felt, illegally deprived uv liberty — unconstooshnelly in fact — and ef he shood consult his own feelins he wood remane ; but to The deference shown to JeflFerson Davis is fairly stated in the text. He was treated by the government more as a martyr than as a criminal. 436 THE PERFECT ARRANGEMENTS. forgive wuz divine. Viewin these perceedins in the lite uv an apology, he wood go. The day hed arrived. The steamer wuz at the Fortress carefully prepared to receive its illustrious burden. It hed been thoroughly cleaned and fumigated, the cabins hed bin nooly furnisht, and speshel alterashens made for the President and party. Ther wuz Yoonited States officers aboard : but out of respeck for the feehns uv their illustrious " prizner," ez he is technically called, they kept theirselves out uv his site, that their uniforms might not awaken onpleasant refleckshens. So perfeck wuz the arrangements, that the railin uv the boat, originelly bloo, wuz kivered with gray cloth, and the eagle figger-head uv the craft wuz sawed off. This wuz sejested by a eminent Conservative uv Noo York, who hez a large South- ern trade wich he didn't prejoodis by his course doorin the war. The ladies' cabin wuz originelly assigned to the party ; but a female passenger hed no more regard for the comfort uv the marter than to die on the passage, and they were deprived uv it. The conservative merchant insisted that the corpse be chucked overboard ; but Mr. Davis, with a magnanimity charac- teristic uv him, refoozed. " No," sed he, " let her rest there. I kin endoor the inconvenience, severe ez it is. It is but one more attempt to break my sperit." All the way up the most techin deference wuz shown him. At every landin the people assembled to greet him, wich he acknowledged with a condesenshen I never saw before. He conversed but little on the passage. Ez the boat wuz passin pints made historicle by the events uv the great struggle, his eye wood brighten, ef they wuz sich pints ez a Confedrit cood take pride in, and dim with teers ef they wuz pints at wich ther had bin reverses. The most considrit preparashens hed bin made for his resep- shen. Ther wuz no irons onto him: the only guards in site wuz them wich wuz detailed to keep the crowd from annoyin iiim, and a carriage wuz in readiness, into wich we wuz driven off at a dignified pace to that resort uv the aristocracy uv Virginny — the Spottswood. Here, more considerashen wuz shown. Mr. Davis bein averse to walkin up stairs, a suit uv rooms hed bin prepared for him on the fust floor, and the SYMPATHY. 437 presence uv the officer in charge, bein obnoxshus, he wuz assigned by the Ex-President a room at the further end uv the corridor. His nerves bein sensitive, heavy mattin wuz laid down in all the halls, and the servants uv the house wuz directed to wear list slippers, and to walk on tlieir tiptoes. I wuz invited to his room, and wuz favored with a few minutes' conversashen with the first of Amerikens. Glancin out uv the winder, his 'fine, soft, gray eyes restid on the roof uv Libby. " Lies ! lies ! " sed he, angrily. " Wat speshel lies hev yoo reference to ? " askt I. " Them wich wuz publisht in the scurrillous reports uv the Committees uv a unconstooshnel Cougris regardin the treat- ment uv prizners in Libby. They asserted that the officers died becoz they hed but ten feet by two for sleepin, washin, cookin, and eatin. They hed that space, and wat more wuz necessary ? Why give 'em room to cook when they hedn't a,nythin to cook ? Wherefore room to eat ef they hedn't anythin to eat ? No, its false. It wuzn't the crowdin that perdoost the mortality." Only wunst wuz his buzzum wrung, and that the Govern- ment Good not prevent. He wuz a standin at the winder, gazin out upon Richmond, his mind revertin to the time when it wuz the Capital uv his Coiifedracy, when a procession passed with moosic, and flags, and .banners. With a shreek uv anguish he buried his head in the curtains, and wept aloud. It wuz ez I feared. Pilin slowly by wuz a percession uv niggers. " Mer- ciful Heaven ! " sed he, " hez it come to this ? " and he wuz reserved and deprest all day. The next day the President wuz taken to the Court. Ez he entered the room, and glanced proudly over the awjence, it wood hev bin very difficult to hev decided whether he wuz a goin to try the Court or the Court him. But repressin hisself he took his seat. Tetchin solissitood wuz displayed in the Court Room for his comfort. A crapk in the winder-casin let in a draft uv cold air ; he shuddered, and a shudder run thro the entire assemblage. The shudder uv the Conservative merchant uv Noo York wuz trooly artistic. Cotton wuz called for, when the Conservative merchant's wife tore off one uv her buzzums and stufft the apertoor. Wuz ther ever more tetchin sacrifis? The President- wept ez he beheld it. On assertanin 438 OUT ON BAIL. the temperatoor wich best sootid his system, a tliermometei wuz brot, and the room wuz kept at that precise degree. There wuz sum triflin legal formalities, and the President's counsel made a motion that he be admitted to bail. There wuz a stir in the Court. " Make it a million ! " sed one, " so that the craven North shel see how we kin take keer u"v them we love ! " But Judge Underwood fixed it at $100,000, and, brisk ez bees, a Noo York Dimocrat, several Richmond Dimo- crats, and Horris Greely, stept forrerd and signed it. Never shel I forgit the shout that assendid ez Horris wuz a signin his name. '' Three cheers for JefF'son Greely and Horris Davis — one and inseprable, now and forever ! " shoutid one enthoosiastic Confedrit. " Immortality is yoors ! " sed another. " JefF'son Davis is the big dog uv the age, and yoo, my deer sir, are now the tin kittle tied to his tale ! Wat joy ! When posterity speeks uv Him, they'll speek uv Yoo ! " I coodent restrane myself no more. Bustin into teers, I fell onto Greeley's buzzum, and we embraced. Ez he hedn't his specticles on, he sposed it wuz Davis hisself, and he bustid into teers also, and there wuz wun uv the most strikin tabloos ever exhibited. I got away afore he diskivered his mistake. Here wuz the endin uv our troubles — tlie consummashen uv our hopes. Davis wuz free 1 The pent-up emoshens uv the people found vent. Ez he stept into the street the people crowded to the carriage, and rent the air with cheers. We reached the hotel, and after embracin his wife, a season of religious exercises wuz held. The clergyman who hed excloo- sive charge of Davis's piety doorin the war offered prayer. He prayed fervently that the Lord wood forgive the people of the North for the wrong they hed done our sainted head ; that he wood forgiv, ef possible, the late head uv the Fedral Govern- ment who hed opposed him and the glorious coz ; and ef Divine mercy cood stretch so far, that he wood forgive the Colonel uv Michigan cavalry which hed hunted down the Saint who wuz now in our midst. He prayed for forgiveness for the reckless men of the North who invaded Virginny ; for the noosepapers wich hed aboozed him who is now with us, and Three CH.EHS roK JEEI-EKSO. GR.E.EV 1 age ii-EV I'age 438. THE TRIP TO RALEIGH. 439 particklerly Horris Greely, who hed in some measure atoned for his previous wiekidness. He prayed that blessins might rest, first, upon the city uv Richmond, then upon the balance uv Virginny, and afterward upon the other Southern States ; and he wound up with a fervent appeal that the Ethiopians, wich coodent change their skins, might see the error of their ways, and return to their normal condishen. I am not permitted to give more uv the President's plans than this : He will remain in secloosion, and will take no part watever in politics until after his final acquittal in November. He don't feel at liberty to take hold uv the Government, so long ez ther is even a technikle charge agin him. Our friends in the Northern States, who expected him to take the stump in their behalf this fall, will be disappintid. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor- — N=G®'i«&%JiiM;r;]!s i;i-;r oi.MziNf; Tiiicir; Mosks. Taj^x- 443. THE MONUMENT. 443 encouragement uv the young men afore me, I wood say, tliat I hev enjoyed all I care about I am no aspirant for nothing, and therefore the way I now open for em. All places uv honor is now before em. I thank you for this corjel welcom. North Caroliny sent me out a penniless boy, and did not afford me sich advantages ez, considerin my merits, I ought to hev bed ; yet I luv her. It's better ez it wuz. Goin out a penniless 'boy, and returnin after holdin every ofSs, from Alderman uv my adopted village up to President, shows my qualities to much better advantage than ef 1 hedn't gone out a penniless boy. I thank you for this tribute to my many good qualities." And he startid to go down, when Randall whispered suthin in his left ear. Risin promptly, and drawin out his hanker- chief, the President assoomed a look uv subdood greef, and resoomed. " I hev come among yoo to participate in the dedicashen uv a monument to a man wichyoo all loved, tho it hez taken suthin like fifty yeers for yoo to diskiver it. He wuz poor and humble, wich akkounts for my goin from among yoo a penniless boy ; but uv him I am proud, — for hed it not been for him, I woodent hev returned the shinin example to yoo young men wich I am." The corner-stun wuz laid, and the monument set on it. It is uv red limestone, ten foot high. It's ez good a ten foot uv stun respeck ez there is in North Carliny. Bz the monument •was elevatid, there wuz appropriate speeches, and then my little arrangements cum in. A nigger woman 1 hed took with- us from Washington rushed for'ard, and sed, " Bless de Lord, I'zo bin a waitin ibr dis day to see de President, — our Presi- dent ! " at wich a squad uv niggers I'd picked up and drilled, hollered " 'Ror ! " This little aflfectin sceen over, two quadroons, wich I'd also bro't with us in a privit car, cum for'ard with a expression of profound greef, at wich the President wept, and tenderly slung bokays uv the choicest flowers we cood buy in Washington, upon the tomb. It wuz reely a techin tabloo. The ancient nigger woman a holdin the President's hand ; the young quadroons a slingin the 444 THE TABLEAU. bokays ; the President with his head bowed, apparently a dreamin uv the days uv his boyhood ; me with au expression uv thankfulness that the niggers bed at last recognized their Moses ; Seward with a saintly smile on his face ; Welles tryin to look ez near like Seward as possible, but failin miserably to look like anything but the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall with his handkercher to his eyesez ef onmanued by the movin sceen, but keepiu one eye cocked over the ha'hdkercher to see how it took among the niggers. It wuz a sceen easier to be imagined than described. Ther wuz incidents which occurred wich did not appear in the telegraph. When his Excellency wuz speekin uv himself, and remarkt that his race wuz nearly run, a unregenerated nigger yelled out, " Tank de Lord ! " And when the quad- roons wuz a strewin flowers on the grave uv His Excellency's father, I observed rather more titterin among tlie niggers than I approved uv on so solium an occasion. I askt Ran- dall what he thought of the speckelashen, and his answer, " It don't pay ! " struck me ez havin a vane uv trooth runnin through it. On our return, the President wuz allowed to speek more, for Randall got tired of watching him. We returned in good health, and some was in good spirits. Seward fisels well, for he hez an abidin faith that the mere showin uv hisself alluz hez an effeck for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv course Secretary Welles thinks so to. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor. TO BOSTON. 446 CXLIV. THE BOSTON EXCURSION. '■1 Tremont House, Boston (wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets), June 25, 1867. The Raleigh trip scarcely over, His Serene Highness deter- mined upon acceptin the Boston invitashen. His corjel recep- shen in North Karliny give him a sort uv appetite for popler applause, and he determined upon tryin it in the North agin. At the Cabinet meetin beld to discuss the question, Seward expressed a desire to go. Welles follered Seward; but Ran- dall opposed it. " But," sed Johnson, " I feel ez though I must make one more effort to save our errin Southren brethren." " Mr. President," retortid Randall, " I recently went to raise a corner-stun to the memry nv yoor lamentid lather, who deceest in 1812, onto wich wuz engraved these words: — ' Jacob Johnson ; died from the Effex uv a Disease superin-^ doost by a over Effort to save Ms Friends from drownin.' " Now, ef yoo persist in 3'oor loonacy, I shel be compelled, after a time, in my quiet Wisconsin home, where an apprecia- tive constitooency will permit me to forever stay, to indite an epitaff for the corner-stun over j'our politikle grave, wich I shel do thus : — ' Hie Jacet Andrew Johnson, Who died from the Effex uv a Disease superindoost by over Effort in a great many Attempts to save his Politikle Friends from bein strangle I. • Po kript. — Tlie Friends wuzn't \tmth the savin.' " But upon sekond thot I've no objeckshun to this toor. Yoo kin do us no damage ef yoo deliver only sich speeches ez The Masonic bodies could not dedicate their magnificent teinple without inviting tlie President of the United States to participate in the ceremonies. As usunl lie tried to turn the visit to New England to account. He was treated with respect, and that was all. 446 RANDALL'S OPINION. we determine upon beforehand. Yoo go thro Delaware, which is ourn ; Noo Jersey yooVe bin thro wunst, and they know wat to expect ; Noo York will give a enthoosiastic re- cepsbun ef Morrisy and Wood will take bolt uv it, and in Con- necticut yoor certain uv a corjel resepshen. That State is full uv demoralized Yankee Dimocrats, who hev bin out to Michi- gan, and left there all ther Puritanism, bringin back with em, in its stead, all the cussidnis indigenous to that soil, wich cussidness, grafted onto ther natral cutenis, makes em rather enterprisin in ther worthlisnis. In Boston itself, the prospeck is good. There'll be a immense crowd present to dedicate the Masonik Temple, wich we shell claim the credit uv bringin, ez we did the throngs which come to see us on tbe toor North, but wich wood persist in hoUerin ' Grant ! ' The trooly good men uv Boston are Ablishnists; but there's some thousands wich want offices, and them, with a sprinklin uv -Demokrats and Conservatives, ought to make us a handsome recepshen. There is yet men in Boston who used to return fugitive slaves, and ther is besides the eminently respectable gentlemen who are so conservative that they hold onto sin becoz it's old and established by precedent, and so aristocratic that they won't do right, jist becoz doin rite is a common thing in that seckshun ; who hold onto the cote-tale uv progress, and holler ' Stop ! ' and who, ef they tie theirselves to a good cause, load it down with their dignity. Like the 2d Lootenants uv '61, their baggage is worth more'n tbey are. But the trip won't hurt us. You can't make the Ablishnists more Ablishn, and them ez foller us for the loaves and fishes we dispense, wood still foller us, ef the road we took led ez strate through perdishen ez a pigeon wood fly. It may be that it's the method by wich we shel finally carry Noo England. Pope sez, — ' Vice is a monster uv such hidjus mien, That to be hated needs but to be seen.' " Now, ef we follered the poet no further, we shood never go, but each one wood keep ez close in his respective apart- ment ez possible. But, knowin mankind, he goes on : — ' But seen too oft, familiar with its face, We first endoor, then pity, then embrace.' IN NEW YORK. 447 " That's it. We must be seen too oft. We must make em familiar with our face. Ef we stay long enufif", I don't despair uv seein Boston give yoo an ovashen, and seein yoo locked in the arms uv Wendell Phillips. Ef they commence pityin you, the reackshen will take them to the embracin, and it seems ez though they ought to be at that pint by this time. And then ef yoo make this toor, and say nothing ideotik, the very novelty uv it will bewilder the people." And so it wuz decided to go. Thro Maryland the resep- shens wuz all that we desired, and in Delaware the people come in crowds to greet us ; tho the cheers partook so much uv the nacher uv the cheerful yells wich the Confedrit soljers employed when they charged, that Sekretary Seward's nerves wuz somewat shockt. Ez Philadelphy didn't offer us the hospitalities uv the city, we didn't stop ther at all. The trane run around it, the President's nose bein elevatid all the time ez tho he smelt suthin. When it hed finally passed, Mr. Ran- dall announst the fact, and the Presidenshel face assoomed its yoosual benine expression ez we glided into the' sacred soil uv Noo Jersey. In Noo York, Morrissy hed done his part. Ther wuz specta- ble bodies uv cheerers at the pints agreed upon, and, ez they hed bin paid librally, the spontaneous enthoosiasm wuz ez good in quality ez it wuz large in quantity. Occasionally a cheerer, wich hed taken too much uv his wages in advance, wood yell for Jeff'son Davis, but it wuzn't notist. It didn't mar the pleasant uniformity uv the proceedins, or strike any- body ez bein singler. They tried terrible hard to git a speech out uv us, and the President wuz willin ; but Randall, seein reporters present, supprest him, and got him off to bed com- paratively sober, and very early. Arrivin at Boston, I wuz surprized at the length, depth, and breadth uv the enthoosiasm wich greeted us. Ez ef to show ther greef at the death uv Presidents, we notist everywhere the portraits of our predecessor, Linkin, draped in mournin, at wich the President dropt a teer, sayin, " See how they mourn us wen we're everlastinly gone ! " Ther wuz a sort uv subdood enthoosiasm, a kind uv half-monrnin gladnis, ef I may say so, wich wuz gratifyin. 448 A MASSACHUSETTS GOVERNOR. We wuz receeved by Gov'nor Bullock, whose speech wuz a noble triboot to the President. " I welcome yoo," sed he, " to Massachoosits. Many Presidents hev visited Noo England, and this visit, like theirn, excites devoshen to the Yoonion, and respeck for them, wich, in their ofEshel posishen, respeck the government uv the whole country. Our desire is to manifest our regard for those who, in offishel capacity, respeck the Nashnel Yoonion, wich is to say, we respeck the Nashnel Yoonion. I trust the President will stay long enuif to enable us to manifest our high regard for — (here the President's face brightened up) yoor offis ! (the President turned frightfully red, wich Bullock, whose principles wuz a rasslin a back holt with his politeness, notist, and he added) — and to yoo PERSONALLY ! " Ez them last words ishood slowly and despritly, the Presi- dent's face lighted up. He tendered him thanks for the resepshun. He woodent undertake to conceel emoshens which agitated him at this personel welcome upon the soil uv Massar choosits. It wuzn't necessary for him to go into the histry uv Massachoosets ez he wuz in the habit uv doin further South, ez those afore him wuz probably ez familyer with it ez he wuz ; but he wood ashoor em, for their encouragement, that the histry uv Massachoosits, in conneckshn with the histry uv these States, hez become a part uv the histry uv the country ; and therefore, in visitin Massachoosits under sich pekoolyer circumstances, it is pekoolyerly gratifyin to receeve sich a welcome. In regard to yoor remarks tetchin the preservashen uv these States, I trust I may say without egotism, a vice wich I hev never bin accused uv, and from wich I may say no one is more singlerly free than myself, I yield to no patriot, livin or dead, in my devoshen, to that purpose. I dislike speekin, ez I kin trooly say that I am not loquaslms ; but when trooth, wich I love, and the cause uv humanity, wich I tie to, is at stake, I hev spoke. I may say, without egotism, that 1 live for principle ; and I thank the people uv Massachoosits, wich my visit hez drawd to Boston, for the outburst uv regard wich greets me. Without egotism I may say, that it's a out- burst ekalled by few and excelled by none ever given a Presi- dent in the Yoonited States or elsewhere ; and it is my pra3'-er A PBECATJTIONAET MEASURE. 449 that coniin in contact with me will do the people uv Boston good. Yoor remarks, _ not referrin directly to me, on the Rous' in purchis, and a more economical collecshin uv the internal revenue, also meets my corjel approbashen, lovin ez I do my common country." Randall pulled at his coat-tale, when the President remarkt that he might say, without egotism, that he didn't desire to make a speech, and stopt. We brought him off in compara- tively good order. We stopt at the Tremont House. It is a good hotel, and the waiters are, ez they ought to be, niggers. It's soothin to a troo Dimekrat to be waited on by a nigger. You kin damn a nigger waiter, but put a white man in that posishen and yoo feel a delicacy about it. When we retired, the President insisted that I shood sleep lyin across the doorway uv his room. " Why ? " asked I. " I am in Boston," replied he, " wher they stun the prophets. Boston dislikes me. Boston wears to-day a smilin face ; but wat kind uv a hart does that smilin face conceal ? Sumner lives in Boston, and so does Phillips. In Boston they elect ' niggers to the Legislacher, and are tryin to stop the sale uv whiskey. Wat kind uv a place is that for a Dimekratic Presi- dent to trust hisself into ? Yoo sleep across my doorway, and ef a band uv Ablishnists, deemin me their foe, shood strive to enter, they wood hev to first sheath their daggers in yoor body. Meanwhile I wood escape, and continyoo to live for my lovd country. Yoo cood, by preparin beforehand a few im- pressive last words, make a gorjus death uv it, and do the coz good. For instance, ez Sumner stuck yoo, yoo cood gasp, " Slay me, but spare A. J., the hope uv the Republic." Or, ez Wilson struck yoo down with a bludgeon, yoo mite exclaim, " I die willinly for the Constitooshen with 36 stars onto it." Any little quotashen from any uv my speeches, joodiciously throwd in under sich circumstances, wood do good. Yoo will sleep ther to-night ; and remember, in case you are called upon to die, the proper quotashens." Seward concurred, but Randall objectid. He didn't antici- pate any sich danger. Ef Boston wants to git rid uv the President, they hev a shorter way than assassinashen. Rash 29 450 AXOTHEB DREAM. politislmns only assassinate them wich they can't find causfe to impeach. But he wuzn't afraid uv Boston. We stood a better chance uv dying of excessive hospitality in Boston than uv bein stabbed. Our stumicks mite protrude in Boston, but our bowels never. Boston wood feast us, for ther are enuff men in Boston who want posishsn to keep us a goin a year or two. He feared dyspepsia more than daggers, and hed no fears uv the wine bein pizened. Nevertheless, I wuz forced to sleep in that posishen, wich I did, wakin up in the mornin ez sore and stiff ez a plow-hoss. I don't know how far the trip will be extended. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor. CXLV. MR. NASBY DREAMS A DREAM. Tremont House, Boston (wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets) June 29, 1867, t8),f • ) Last nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram, in wich be desired me to ascertain whether or no there wuz eny bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy. Captain McPelter sed the Northern Dimocrisy wus strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky throo, while Pollock, the lllinoyer, swore the Northern Dimoc- risy hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves than they hed bin able to accomplish for somS time — that in a pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv much akkount, ef it wuz a big one. With this letter in my hand I fell asleep, and dreemed. Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gatherin uv the Faithful, The more sagacious of the Southern Democracy were for a long time anxious to submit to the inevitable results of the war, but the masses were kept in a state of turmoil by the promises of the Northern Democracy to carry them through. And these promises were made in fall view of their inability to carry any of tlie Northern States. THE DYING GIANT. 451 who wuz called together for the purpose of considrin wat to do. Sum few wuz in favor uv submission, and hed got the majority uv the Southern people to agree with em that ther wuz IK) yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist about to so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood, Toucey, Morrissey, Voorhees, and a score or two more uv that kind, rushed in and begged uv em to hold out. " Why submit ? " sed Vallandig- ham. " We'll sustain yoo. Northern Dimocrisy is a giant wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime, and strong enuff yit to carry yoo throo twice the troubles wich threatens yoo. Depend onto us — we'll carry yoo." And the Southerners whopped over to their side and yelled fiercely, " No submission ! " and immejitly the entire bilin uv em startid North with these men, to ascertain the strength and carryin capacity uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the party travelled until they come to a vast plain in Kentucky, onto wich wuz extendid the prostrate form uv a Giant. It was a Giant, immense in statoo, but emaciated to. the last degree. His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his trunk massive ; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz pegged out, and a look at its face showed why it wuz so. Dissipation had redoost him to helplessnis. His face wuz bloatid and bloo, his eyes wuz sot and ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken, his legs like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he drawd his breath with a effort. He lay a groanin and a groanin. Eandall wuz a tenderly feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled " Appintments," which appeared to give him temprary strength ; but the effect of that wuz lost by President Johnson's dosin him with an offensiv smellin mixter, labelled " Policy," every swaller uv wich wood throw him into a spasm. Governor English was rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave him, and hed succeeded in gittin up a little circulation in it. "Wat is this?" askt the Southerners. " Northern Dimocrisy ! " sed English, rubbin away vigrously. " Is this the Giant which is to carry us ? " said the Southern gentleman, viewin the disgustin objict doubtfully. " Certainly 1 " sed Johnson. " Now can't you git up ? " sed 452 THE HEAVY LOAD. he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very large swaller out uv his bottle. The Giant made an effort, but flopped down agin like a dish-rag. " Gentlemen ! " sed Vallandigham, " we shel hev to call upon you to assist in settin him onto his feet, and then it'll be all rite with him. He's bin this way afore." Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around him to lift him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked respectively Connec- ticut and Delaware, and his legs Maryland and Kentucky, and in them there wuz strength, for ez soon ez the innocent South- erners got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em, and sed, " Lift ! " " We can't," sed they. " Yoo must," sed he ; " I got into this condishen fightin yoor battles, and doin yoor work. I was strong and vigorous until I got to runnin after yoor harlots ; and for yoor sake I wuz druv out uv my native States into this accussid region. Yoo must carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist rae ! " Those caught coodent get away, and the others generously come to ther aid, and makin a terrible effort, they raised the half-dead bein onto their shoulders, holdin their noses mean- while, and prepared to start. Es the percession wuz about to move, Vallandigham remarked, " Stop a minit, gentlemen ! " and, loaded ez he wuz with his war record, he clambered up ther shoulders and took a seat on the carkiss. Voorhees, jist ez badly encumbered, did likewise, and so did the Woods, and Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey, and a hundred or so more, the unfortunit bearers sweatin under this addishnal load. " Is all ready ? " sed they. " One moment ! " sed Johnson, and him, and Randall, and Seward climbed up. This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev staggered off under the carkiss, and them wich climbed onto it first, but this last addishn to ther burden wuz friteful. It finisht em. Groanin under the weight, they swa3'ed like a leaf in the wind, — like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled a minit to maintain themselves — but in vain. A breef strug- gle — a d esprit gasp — thej' give up, and ther knees doublin up, the whole concern come to the earth with a squashin sound, THE CATASTROPHE. 453 and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell apart. Raymond and Thurlow Weed, wich hed bin hangin round, got out from under jist in time to save theirselves. The Southerners got out from under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv it, ez they had bin around it. It staggered Johnson some, but he hed bin accustomed to suthin approximatin very closely to it in the old times, and it didn't serously affect him ; but poor Randall, Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died. I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when the effort I wuz makin awoke me. , I ain't altogether certain but that that dream means suthin. When I think of it, it is rather preposterous for us to hope the Northern Dimocracy will carry us, when they can't carry a single State uv their own ; jist about ez preposterous ez it is for them to look to us for help, when all uv us ez wood jine em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's remark, — " In a puUin match, a corpse ain't of muck akkount, even ef it is a big one," — weighs onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin ; tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come out uv suthin. Bf we cood git — but, pshaw ! we can't. Thank the Lord, we kin hold the Post oflSses two years yit. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and Professor. CXLVI. THE NEGRO QUESTION. — THE CHANGE. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ^ (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), >• July 19, 1867. ) The Radikel party hed bin forst into takin nigger suffrage into their embrace, and methinks we hev em now. To aid our friends in the North, we hev taken the step backward, and ^re now where we started from. The directors uv the college 454 THE GBEAT CHANGE. met and changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the " Southern Military and Classikle Institoot," and the Corners wuz itself agin. Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years hed bin hfted off him. " How pleasant 'tis," sed he, " to walk erect agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass em ez tho they wuz niggers ! 0, ef I cood only wallop one wunst more, methinks I cood die happy ! " The trouble is, we oppose nigger suflFrage from too many stand-pints. Some oppose it on the skore uv the inferiority of the Afrikin ; but our people may hev assented to it outwardly, but in ther own minds they objected. " Bf," sed a reliable Dimokrat to hisself,," ef that's the rool, wat in thundee is to BECOME uv ME 1 " Likewise the idea uv onfitness. " They can't read nor rite ! " shreeks a injoodishus cuss, speekin to a audience, two thirds uv wich go to him reglerly to reed their ballots to em, and who, when they sign promissory notes, put an M atween their first and last names. Anuther speeker quotes Noah to em, and boldly asserts that the nigger is the descendant uv Ham, and that he is the identi- kle indivijjle wich wuz cust by Noah ; but he runs agin the fact that the rest uv em, wich is in Afrika yet, hev managed to dodge the cuss, ez they ain't servin ther white brethren, and them wich wuz brot here to be Chrischinized hev busted ther bonds, and are jest about ez free ez anybody. I want a Convenshun uv the lights uv the party to set forth authoritively why we oppose nigger suffrage — to give a reason for it, that all our people may act together, ez do other well-regulated machines. I hev made up my mind wot platform to lay down. I shel go back on Ham, Hager, and Onesimus. I shel turn from the inferiority idea, and take the broad ground that the nigger is a beast; tha'lie ain't a man at all; and consekently he hez no more rites than anj' other animal. I put my foot onto him by authority of the decree that unto man wuz given dominion over the beasts ; that we are men; and they are beasts. Ef they admit the first proposishen, they will the last. I shel assert boldly and brodly his onfitnis to mingle with us, becoz his fizzikle structure bein different, goes to show that he wuz A SIMPLE PROPOSITION. 455 uv a different origin, and nv a lower origin. I shel plant myself on the stoopenjus, yet simple proposishen, that the Almity made him at a different time and for a different pur- pus, wich I shel show by citin the color uv his skin, the length uv his foot, the shape uv his head, and sich other matters as I kin git together in time tor the Convenshen. Uv course this doctrine will meet with objectors. We hev a few thin-skinned perfessers uv religion, whose piety service in our ranks hezn't quite obliterated, who will say that these dog- mas undermines the Christian religion. To this I shel ansM^er, Uv wot comparison is any religion a Orthodox Dimocrat liez to a triumph uv the party ? Wot hez Dimocrisy to do witli r,eligion anyhow ? It hez never permitted it to mix in its pollytix. Dimocrisy bleeves in keepin Church and State ez far apart ez possible. Shood the Ablishnists pint to niggers wich reed and write, I say to-wunst that there is different degrees uv instink, — that ez one dorg hez more instink than another, that so one nigger hez more than another ; and then I shood wind this answer up by askin him, " Sir, wood you force yoor dawter to marry a nigger, even ef he cood reed and write ? " This hez alluz done good service, partikelerly ef yoo walk hurridly away before there is time for an answer. Ther is one pint wich is a stumper — but only one. One man to whom I unfolded this theory, asked me, sneerinly, wat I wuz a goin to do with a mulatter who wuz half white and half black — half man and half beast — half instink, wich dies with him, and half sole, wich wuz to be saved and fitted for the skies, or lost? When a mulatter dies, wat then ? Does the half sole uv the half man drag the instink uv the beast behind it in a limpin, lop-sided fashion, into heaven? or does the instink drag the sole into the limbo for animals ? " Ef this latter idea be correct," sed he, " in that limbo how much South- ern sole is floatin about, held in solooshen in animal instink ! " We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger question, wich wood hev resultid in great good, and hed a powerful inflooence towards strengthenin the hands uv our brethren in the North, who are fightin the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed it not bin for that irritashen, Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler. 456 A TEST CASE. I hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with much effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quotashen from Agassiz, which demonstrated the radicle difference there is atween the Afriiiin and the proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv his heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so forth, that the nigger vvuz totally unfit to exercise the rites uv free men. I wuz applauded vociferously, and by none more than Pollock and Joe Bigler. Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the per- spirashen from my classikle brow, feelin that I hed settled that question. Pollock riz, and desired to say a few words. " I hev listened with interest to the elokent speeker, and am happy to say I hev learned fax wich is new to me. Ef I hev ever doubted the inferiority uv the nigger, them doubts are removed, pervidin alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is troo, uv wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker is a sufSshent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever he sez." I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom sich com- pliments wuz a every-day aflair, wich they ain't, by no means ; on the contrary, quite the reverse. " But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen uv the most obtoose. I want rite here a measurement uv the average Afrikin and the average white man, that all the world may know the difference. I move that it be did." I acceded. " Let it be done," sed I, " that the vexed ques- tion may be settled forever." Joe Bigler sed he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich wunst belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience. " Napo- leon," sed he, " will yoo contribbit yoorself to the great science uv ethnology ? Ain't yoo willin to let us yoose yoo a while to demonstrate the grate and growin trooth, that yoor grandfather wuz a monkey? Step up. Napoleon." Napoleon stept up, and Pollock and I measured him, with this result : — Height .... 5 feet 8 inches Weight .... 150 lbs. averdupoise Length uv foot 12 inches Breadth uv foot 5 inches Length uv hand 8A inches A MATHEMATICAL DEMONSTRATION. 457 Breadth uv hand ..... Length uv forearm Length uv bone from ankle to knee Projeckshun uv heel .... Capassity uv skull, wich, bein the top or cap uv the vertebral column, so to speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a trodly scientific Greek, a very impor- tant bone for pretty much all uv the races . 4 inches. 11 inches. 6 inches. 4 inches. 66 cubic inches. " Now," sed Pollock, " let us examine in the same way a avrage specimen uv the Oaucashen race, ez he is found in this delectable spot. Will Issaker Gavitt be good enuff to step forrerd ? I perpose to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the Caucashen with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie." Issaker stept up and wuz measured : — Height Weight . Length uv hand Breadth uv hand Length uv foot Breadth uv foot Projeckshen uv heel Length uv forearm . Length uv bone from ankle to knee Capassity uv skull . 5 feet 8 inches. 150 lbs. 7i inches; 3^ inches. 11 inches. 4^ inches. H inches. 10 inches. 15 inches. 97 cubic inches. Pollock wuz delited ! " Here," sed he, " it is in a nut^shell. Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more narrer hand, a shorter and narrerer foot, and his heel projecks less than the nigger's by 2i- inches ! Good Lord, how I hev bin deseeved ! Wat errors I hev bin nussin ! How kin a human bein hev intelleck whose heel projecks four inches ? How rejoict am I that I am at last set rite on these important pints ! " I smiled beninantly onto him. Bigler riz. " I, too," sed he, " am satisfied that the nigger is not wat we, who wuz disposed to consider him fit to exercise 458 THE INTELLECTUAL DIFFERENCE. rites, supposed him to be. I held firm when the measurement uv his hands and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose leg isn't set in his foot better than that. I shel persoo this investigashen. Hevin now a startin-pint, — a heel, ez I may say, to stand on, — I shel go on to prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With that heel for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, pro- ceed to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry confooshen into Boston. I shel assoom tha,t Napoleon is a average speci- men uv the lower, or unintellcctooal Afriken type. Is it so ? " " It is ! It is ! " yelled we all, delited at the happy turn the thing wuz takin. " I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a avrage uv the higher or intellectooal Caucashen type. Is it so ? " ' " Certinly ! Certinly ! " " Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets ! Napoleon, kin yoo read ? " I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin hastily, protestid that the examinashen hed bin carried far enuff, but Bigler swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with shame. " Kin yoo read. Napoleon ? " "Yes, sah ! " " Read this, then," sed Bigler, handin him a noosepaper. The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England skool marm, wich well he mite, ez he learned it from one uv em. " Kin yoo write ? " " Certinly ; " and takin a pencil he writ half uv the Declara- shen uv Independence. " Set down. Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor heels is so long ; otherwise yood be credited with hevin intellek. Now Issaker, my bold Caucashen, kin yoo read?" " I protest ! " shreeked I, in agony. " Issaker, don't answer the skoffer at ethnology ! " But Issaker, white ez a sheet, and tremblin under the eye uv Bigler, stuttered " No ! " " Kin yoo rite, my gay desendant uv the sooperior race ? " « No ! » " Kin yoo cipher ? " THE TERRIBLE RESULT. 459 " What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when the old man alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin ? " " Set down, Issaker. We're done with you. There's an error sumwher. The nigger's capassity uv skull is less by sevral cubic inches, but he seems to hev made a lively yoose uv wat he hez. But it's all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and the nigger shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualificashen for votin down here, any way. Possibly the seat uv the intellek is in the heel instead uv the brain, wich accounts for the nigger's hevin the most uv it." And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present, left the meetin-house, laflSn uproarously. I doubt whether the result uv the investigaahen will help our friends North. The fact is, it wuz overdone. It wuz carried too fur. There is a pint at wich facts ought to stop — Dimekratic facte in partikeler. In this instance, the investiga^ shen shood never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it stopt there, wo wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the radical pint to wich Bigler and Pollock took it, the foundashen we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin. Pet'eoleum V,. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CXLVII. A CONSULTATION AT THE CORNERS, FOLLOWED BY A DREAM. Post Ofpis, Confedeit X Boads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 1, 1867. Last nite there wuz a convocashen uv the saints connected with the Institoot, to take sweet counsel together onto matters connected with the institooshen uv learnin, the success uv The Democracy in 1867 really contemplated the nomination of General Grant for the Presidency ; indeed, the leaders went so far as to intimate to him that he could have the position if he would accept it. 460 CONFERRING DEGREES. wich is so dear to all uv us. The coiiversashen happened to turn upon the conferrin uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram sed that he hed notist that all the leadin colleges uv the country hed a practis uv conferrin titles, sich as " M. D.," " A. B.," " LL. D.," and sich, onto distinguished men, though he wuz free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they meant, or wat they wuz good for ; but he hed notist in a noospaper that no college hed yet conferred anj'' sich onto Androo John- son. He wood sejest that ez a rebook to the hide-bound insti- tooshens uv the North, this college do to-wunst confer all uv em, and ez meny more ez there is, onto Mr. Johnson. Bascom remarkt that he didn't kno whether the President wood feel comphmentid. " You kno, Deekin," sed he, " that this ain't much uv a college." " Troo, " sed the hlessid old peece uv innosence, " troo, troo ; but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't much of a President, yoo kno." And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and notis thereof wuz sentjiim immejitly. From this the question uv the next nominee uv the party for President came up. Bas- com, who isn't a far-seein man, asserted that it wood be neces- sary to nominate Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought it wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He didn't bleeve, in the first place, that it become a Peace party, or at least a party wich, ef it dipped its hands in gore at all, did it mostly in Northern gore, to take up a Northern Genei-al, wich hed dun his best towards sendin many thousands of Southners to their long homes ; and besides, the General wouldn't take it. Various opinions wuz expressed by various persons, when, without oomin to any conclusion, we separatid. I retired that nite earlier than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell into a troubled sleep and dreamed a dream. Methawt gathered in front uv the White House wuz a galliant array uv our friends. There wuz Franklin Peerce,and Bookanan, and Vallandigum, and the Woods, and Magoffin, and Monroe, and Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at the White DISGUISING THE LION. 461 House, and wonderin how and by wat means thej' cood git in. Johnson, blessins on his head, stood onto the portico wavin to 'em to come, but alass ! guardin the passage stood a mighty host uv Abhshnists, armed and clad in armor, and in such force ez to make the stormin uv it hopelis. " How shall we get in ? " sighed Belmont. " Ah, indeed, how ? " ansered Henry Clay Dean. " That's the great question ? " ekoed Wood. " My iriends," sed Thurlow Weed, " it's easy enufF. When you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the snake. Sorein is preferable, but crawlin will do at a pinch. Is there not the Lion uv the Republic? Can't j'ou git him out and mount him? The Ablishnists hev a regard for that same Lion, and will never discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his back, for fear uv killin him. Besides, yoor ridin him will in some degree doo away with the prejoodis they hev agin j'oo." '■' But how kin we mount him ? " said they. " Trust to us for that," said Weed, and him and Raymond trotted off together. The}' got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his eyes onto the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck terror into their soles, and lashed the ground with his tail, and cast up dust with his claws, in a manner fearful to behold. " He'll never stand it ! " said Weed, " onless he's blind- folded ; " and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like a wet dish-rag over his eyes ; and that done, him and Randall pared his nails and blunted his teeth (so that ef the bandage should wriggle off, and he shood see wher he wuz, he coodent hurt anybody), and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very innocent Lion indeed, so that his appearance woodent startle them not used to his fiercenis, and in that condishen they led him very quietly down to the crowd and give the word to mount. Wat a scramble ther wuz ! They piled on from the tip uv his ears to the end uv his tale ; and them wich coodent git on for lack uv room, hung to the feet uv them wich had got on, until it wuz nothin less than a pirrymid of Democrats. Finallj', when all wuz loaded, the word wuz given, and the Lion moved off. They wuz delited. He hed strength enuff to carry em, and he wuz a carryin em strate to the White House, and at a good pace, too. 462 AND HIS DEATH. Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishn defenders uv the place opened onto em. " Hold ! " said Weed, " wood you destroy the Lion uv the Republic ? " " Stay yoor hands ! " shreeked Raymond. " The savior uv the country is under us." But thej' lafFt them to scorn. " It's Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et settry, we'rq firin at," shreekt they, singin, as they fought, " The Battle Cry av Freedom," " John Brown's body lies a mouldin in the grave ! " and sich other sacriligious odes. " It's them we see, and them we'll kill." And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz stretched dead and dyin on the plain. Then they came up and began to turn over the corpses, one by one, until at last they came to the body uv the Lion, which, peerced thro and thro, wuz ez dead ez any uv em. "My God!" sed they, "it is the Lion after all!" " And we've slayed him ! " sed another. " Well ! " remarkt a third, " we coodent help it. He was so kivered up with this carrion that I coodent make out what it wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us give him a decent burial for the good he hez done, and forget, ef we kin, the company he died in." And at this kritikle juncture I awoke. I hev an idea I can see a sort uv awarnin in this dream. It occurs to me, — 1st. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest him uv his mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the identical qualities wich makes him valuable to us. 2d. That with us on his back, we will probably succeed in killing him without savin us. Grant might deodorize a dozen or two uv us, but the whole party ! Faugh ! It wood be a pint of cologne to a square mile uv carrion. 3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the people wood- ent be able to see him anyhow, and wat good wood he do us? Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the nomination. Besides, I doubt whether all the Weeds and Raymonds in the country kin so manipulate him ez to bring him quietly into our THE AMNESTY PROCLAMATION. 463 ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and thus git the privilege of votin for him, but wherefore ? How about the ofEsisthen? Ef the Ablishnists vote for him, and we vote for him, the obligation is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt wich he'd chose ? I don't want to take sich chances. I'm opposed to the movement. 1 care not what others may do, but ez for me, give me straightout Dimocrisy or nothin. McClellan wuz a vencher wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv under- takin to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful lambs into green pasters. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CXLVIII. AN AMNESTY PROCLAMATION. Post Offis, Conpedrit X Eoads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), C September 10, 1867. ) I WUZ brot to Washinton by a despatch. His Eggslency bed at last determined to put his foot down — to assert his power, and to take measures sich ez wood bring to the top, where they properly belong, that large class uv the citizens uv the Republic who wuz engaged in the little onpleasantuis, wich the Ablishnists took advantage uv to deprive em uv their rites, and to keep em from exercisin the inflooence in the government they are, and alluz wuz, entitled to. In short, ez Congress wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be got together till November, the President wuz convinced that it wuz his dooty to improve his time, and be reelly President. The liberal and shrewd use of patronage was all that saved the President from impeachment. There were Republican Senators who were opposed to it on legal grounds, but there were others who were too deeply indebted to the President to vote for impeachment. 464 THE president's confidence. The consultation over the Proclamation wnz long and pain- ful. Binckley, who is now runuin the government mostly, hed written the whereases, wich is the most uv the document. Seward bed taild onto em the Proclamation proper, wich wuz so small ez to give it a tad-pole appearance, and it wuz to be discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. Ez anxious ez I wuz for the liberashen uv our friends in the Southern States ; ez anxious ez I wuz to give that , blessid saint, Deekin Pogram, a chance to wallop a nigger agin afore he died, with- out bein interfered with by a bloo-coated hirelin, I still hed a dread. " Dare yoo," sed I, " go further in this biznis ? Isn't impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo stir up this matter? And with Wade in the Presidenshel chair — my God ! Pollock wood hev my postoffis ! My liege, 1 hed a dream last nite. Methawt — " " Go on with the dream," sed His Bggslency. " Go on, and I will be yoor Joseph to interpret it." " Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph, and carry it out," sed Randall, " with Mrs. Cobb in Washinton ? " This interupshen preventid me from narratin my dreem, so I resoomed at the pint at wich I wuz interruptid. " And my opinion is the opinion uv all yoor appintees. The offis-holder is naterally a Conservative. Agitashun, my liege, mite shake us out uv our places. On yoo we hang, — yoo are our hope, our anker, and our cheefest trust." ' And my remarks, wich I delivered with a tremblin voice, and with teers rollin down my furrowed cheeks, — 1 felt the solem- nity uv the occasion, for wat cood I do ef turned out into the cold world at my age ? — wuz receeved with peals uv lafture. " My deer sir 1 " sed A. J., " yoor innosence surprises me. Impeach me 1 Never, so long ez filial and family love is a dis- tinguishin carakteristic uv the leedin minds uv America, — never, so long ez a senator hez a nephew to provide for, or a brother who wants a place. Ah ! that love uv blood rela- shuns ! Wat a beautiful thing it is ! And how strong is the marriage relation wich prompts a man, when ho hez promised to love, cherish, and protect a wife, to go cherishin and pro- tectin all her brothers' and her sisters' children — the love goin frekently, like leprosy, to the third generashun ! Thank the LETTERS. 465 Lord for it ! It's my only holt ! Set yoor mind at eeze b_v peroozin these," and he tost me a bundle uv letters, neatly done up, and labelled " Letters from Radicle Members uv the House itnd Senit." A lite dawned onto me ez I opened the first one. It wuz from a distinguished Senator, and read, ez near ez I kin remember now, thus : — " Senit Chamber, March 6, 1867. " To THE President : Notwitbstandin the slite diiference uv opinion that may egzist between us on certin minor questions uv public policy, and despite the unguarded expressions I may hev indulged in in the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I hev ever cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood uv yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, and the purity uv yoor motives. I bev a nephfew in my Slate who desires the posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Reveuoo. He is capable and honest ; and while he hez alluz voted the Republican ticket, he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be ohjeckshenable to those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz accoosed, and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candidate for Congress who wuz a supporter uv yoor policy, wich, tho I do not in all respecks accept, hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to recommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood esteem his nominashen a persnal favor. " With sentimence uv the most profound respect and esteem, " I remain admirinly, yours, " P. S. It is, I trust, onnecessary for me to state that I regard all projecks of impeachment ez wild, visionary, onneces- sary, and dangerous ; and no sich projeck kin ever reseeve my support. I forgot to menshen that a brother uv mine, who hez never taken a part in politics, and hez, therefore, his opinyuns to organize, wood gladly accept any posishen under the Gov- ernment, and a brother-in-law woodent be averse to simlar employment. It's a matter uv no consekence to yoo, uv coorse, but I shel oppose the reassemblin uv Congress till the regler time in December. I am inflexibly opposed to establishin 30 466 THE president's strategy. dangerous precedents. Shood yoo make the appintments 1 desire, I kin git em confirmed by the Senit, ez well ez an ekal number uv yoor own appintments. In matters uv this kind ther must be compromises." / In my surprise I uttered a prolonged whistle. " Them appintments wuz made," sed His Eggslency, with a sardonicle smile. " Them appintments wuz made. Read another — there's a varied and well-selected assortment uv em. The Senit is my fish-pond. I drop my hook therein, baited with a Assessorship, and bless me, how they bite at it ! Go on." " Senit Chamber, March 7, 1867. " To the President : I am, ez yoo are aware, known ez a Radical ; but between generous foes there kin be none of that terrible spirit uv blind hate which characterizes some uv my associates, who shel be here nameless. I will say, however, that ef the Senators from Massachoosets, and some others I cood menshun, wood resine or die, they wood confer a favor upon the country. I oppose you becoz I differ with yoo, ez does my State ; but that opposishen hez never lessened my high admirashen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich shine out so conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy successor uv the first A. J. I hed not intended to mix things persnel to mj'self in this friendly triboot, but will do violence to my feelins by observin that the posishun uv Collector at is admirably adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a lawyer hez never bin appreciated by those who know him best. He agrees with me that impeachment is not to be thot uv, and that sessions uv Congress, other than reglar ones, is uselis. Shood yoo be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it woodent be askin too much, a son uv mine wood be glad to serve his country ez a Inspector uv Revenoo. Inheritin from me devo- sliun to our common country, he burns to devote himself to her service. '• With sentiments uv profound respect, " I am, yours, as ever. * AND HIS CONFIDENCE. 467 " Them appintments wnz made also," sed the great man, " and three or four more throwd in when he found how cheep he cood get em. He visited me after I hed given him all he asked for, and we hed a frendly interchange uv views. He persisted in differin with me ; but ez we partid, I askt him ef ther wuzn't jist one more appintment he wanted ? Jist one more ? Throwin himself en my neck, he exclaimed, ' Not one ! Not one ! My brothers, my brothers-in-law, mj' nephews, and the doubtful members uv the Legislacher wich finally con- clooded to vote for me, are all provided for.' Bless the Lord for the appintin power ! The biznis uv tradin birth-rites for messes uv pottage begiin with Esaw ; but, thank Heven, it didn't end with him." It wuz unnecessary for me to read more. I hed seen enuff to satisfy me that the integrity uv one third uv the Senit wuz rather honey-combed, and, like a rusty muskit, not strong enufF at the breech to bear a severe trial without danger uv bustin. I saw precisely wat wuz the rock on wich we stood, and what a citadel it wuz. Kin these men, with these letters in the hands uv our respected cheef, and ther relatives all a drawin rashens, turn and rend the hand wich feeds em ? Cood I do it ? — and ain't they even ez I am ? So the proclamashen wuz ishood, and I went home a feelin good. We shall yet wallop niggers in Kentucky ; we shel yet redoose em to ther normal speer ; our afflicted brethren in Tennessee will yet vote, and them not amnestied will be speshly pardoned ez ther superior merits deserve, and withal ther will be no impeachment. For wher the carkis is, ther will be the buzzards also, and we hev the control uv the carkis. Some uv the buzzards are so gorged with carkis that their eyes is shut — enufF uv em to inshoor our posishen till the end uv our term. It is well with us. Peteoleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 468 IN OHIO. CXLIX. MR. NASBY IN A I>EMOCRATIC COUNTY IN SOUTHERN OHIO. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads y (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), y September 20, 1867. ) Last week I wuz iDvited to go into Ohio to assist my breth- ren uv that State. The Massedonian cry reached me, " Come and help us ! " and ez the cry wuz coupled with the asshoor- ance that I shood be pervided for, I heeded it. Couple Masse- donian cries with whiskey, and I can't resist em. 1 never try. I knowd there wuzn't much difference atween the Dimocrisy uv Ohio and Kentucky, but I wuz onprepared for the strikin resemblance I found. Twins is not more similar. My first appintment wuz in a purely Dimekratic County. It wuz a settlement after my own heart, and the minit my practist eye restid onto it, my sole leaped for joy. It wuz a town wich hed bin some day the seat uv bizniss, but a ralerode runnin some nine miles to one side uv it hed cut off its trade, and the inhabitants hevin nothin to do, the better part uv em went with the trade. Nacher abhors a vacuum, and there rushed in sich as found it difSkult to live elsewhere. The whole popula- tion, hevin much leisure, fell to pitchin coppers, wich, to make the game excitin, they pitched for drinks. Pitchin for drinks soon rendered em incapable uv more violent exercise ; and in a year from the time the trade left em, it wuz the strongest and most intense Democratic town in the State. Ez they must eat suthin, and ez the groseries coodent run perpetooally with- out money, they hed occasional spasms uv labor. Then wood their feelins be lasseratid. Then wood they look over to the Kentucky shore, and see thousands uv jest sich men ez their- selves a spendin their lives in one unendin round uv copper- pitchin, hoss-racin, and poker-playin, the nigger meanwhile a sweatin to furnish the means, and they wood break out into murmurin at the crooel fate wich cast their lot where every man wuz forst to sweat for hisself, and the cuss of labor coodent be filled by proxy. Their proximity to Kentucky THE EXCITED POPULACE. 469 tantalized em. They wood hev all gone there cood they hev raised enuff to buy a nigger apeece, but they coodent. There wuz a most deliteful look uv serene repose about tlie place wich charmed me. Nothin stood uprite. The sign-post uv the tavern hed bin leaned agin so much that it hed contracted the same habit ; the bosses, from a too rigid economy in the matter uv oats, wuz leanin agin the side uv the barns : the shutters on the groseries hung cornerin across the winders, in conse- keuce uv the lower hinges bein broke ; the clapboards on the houses all hangin by a single nail at one end, presented any but a reglar appearance ; and the men were all either sittin on store boxes, or leanin agin watever possessed suffishent strength to keep em up. , I wuz enthoosiastically reseeved. The town wuz excited on two questions. 1. Taxation. 2. Nigger Equality. The Cheer- man uv the deputashun wuz the most cheerin style uv Dimo- krat I hed seen for years. His independent hair hed pushed its way thro the top uv his hat and bristled in all directions, biddin defiance to the world ; his toes protroodin from his shoes, and his trowsers ' hangin lop-sided by one suspender, indicated a sovereign contempt for appearances. He begged me, with tears streemin down his eyes, to rouse the people agin the dangers wich threaten em. " Think," sed he, " uv the hundreds uv thousands uv millions, wich we, the people, are forced to pay in taxes to the General Government, and rouse em to the necessity uv ackshen ! " " I will," sed I, " I will. State to me the amount uv taxes paid the tyranikle government in this Arcajen spot, that I niay hev the data from wich to speek." " Taxes ! " returned this patriot, with an amazed look onto his countenance, " taxes ! We don't pay any taxes here. The Assessor came here two years ago, and findin nothin to assess, hezn't considered it worth while to come since. But, good Lord, our hearts bleeds for these unfortunit victims uv Ablishn policy wich hev suthin, and is forced to pay onto it ! The people is bein ground into dust by taxashen." And the old man wept bitter tears at the miseries uv the sitooashen uv the people. What tetchin benevolence ! On the question uv nigger ekality, I found em at a most 470 PAINFUL EXPERIENCE. deliteful heat. They hed seen the terrors uv it, and know'd whereof tjiey spoke. Niggers hed come from Kentucky across the river to em, and instid uv acceptin their normal speer, and yieldin quietly to the irresistible decrees uv Heven, wich made em the inferiors uv the white, they hed, the moment they accumulatid suthin to live on, assoomed the airs uv ekality. They refoosed to keep their places. The Cheerman remarkt, ez showin the stubborn cussidness uv the race, that one uv em lived some months next to him. He (the Cheerman) bor- rered pork on sevral occashens uv him, twict a bakin uv flour, and, on one occashen, nine dollars uv the misrable rags wich we are forst, by a tyranikle Government, to accept ez money. That nigger hed the soopreme impudence to insist on bein pade ! and even talked uv sooin for it. But, on consultin a lawyer, he didn't, owin to the oncertainty ez to who wood hev to pay the costs. Another instance. " A nigger, wich wuz neerly white, settled in the visinity. He hed not only a daughter, but a farm. My son sores. Labor he despises, as a occupashen only fit for serfs. He proposed to woo this nig- ger's daughter. It wuz a. struggle with me. My son marryin a female wich hed the accursed blood uv Ham in her vanes ! But Jimuel, my son, sir, threw dirt in my eyes. About sixty akers uv dirt. I thot uv the pleasant time I cood hev a livin on that farm — uv the days devoid uv labor, and the evenins filled with ease, and after a severe ethnologikle struggle with my feelins, I consented. I wantid to take keer uv that nigger. Pityin him ez an inferior bein, loaded, in his abnormal condi- shen, with responsibilities wich he cood not be expected to dis- charge, I wood liev taken charge uv his affares. I wood — my son Jimuel and I — hev managed his farm, and his stock, and sich. Alas ! Jimuel menshund the matter to the Ethiopian, sir, and with wat result ? He wuz ignominiously kickt out uv the house, sir. He wuz d — d, sir, for a drunken broot, by a nigger, wich threatened, ef he ever showed his pimpled — pimpled wuz the word — face about there agin, he'd break every bone in his body. Sir, this is becomin unsupportable. They must be dragged down to our level. My pr.oud Cau- cashen blood revolts. There must be a inferior race, and it's us or the nigger. The Injen is out uv the question, ez there AN UNPLEASANT DENOUEMENT. 471 ain't any uv them here to be inferior. I woodent mind the Injen, but there ain't none. It's the nigger or nothin. Give him the ballot, sir, and what'll distinguish us ? Speek with a angel's tongue onto this theme, I beg." The meetin wuz a glorious one, and my speech one uv my most movin efforts. My perorashen moved me to teers. It wuz on nigger suif'rage. Depictin its untold horrors, I begged em to organize — to rally wunst more agin this common enemy. " There is," sed I, '• seven thousand nigger males in the State uv Ohio. Shel we peril the liberties uv the State by permittin them to approach the ark uv our safety — the ballo1>box ? Shel we raise em to the pint uv bein our ekals ? Shel we marry em and give em in marriage ? Shel we contaminate the pure streem uv Anglo-Saxon blood by muddlin it with the turbid streem uv Bthiopy ? " I finisht my speech there. The meetin then resolved they , wuz better than niggers ; that they never wood consent to be taxed for the benefit uv purse-proud aristocrats ; that the bonds shood be taken up with greenbax ; that there shood be a return to specie payment to-wunst ; and that they were willin to give millions, ef need'be, to resist usurpashen, but not one cent in taxes in a unconstitooshnel manner. This resolooshn wuz passed, when a coUeckshn wuz taken up to pay for the candles. But, alas ! There wuzn't nary a cent in the house, and I hed to pay for em myself Another little incident didn't please me. The State Central Committee hed furnisht me, ez it does all its speakers, with a twenty dollar gold piece and a fifty dollar bond, wich I wuz to exhibit, to show the difference atween Ablishn and Democratic money. I shoved em at the people, and it excited em to madnis. I laid em on the table afore me. When the. meetin wiiz ad- journed they wuz gone ! Who took em ? 1 know not, but this I do know, that the Cheerman uv the meetin hed, next mornin, a new pair uv shoes and a hat, and wuz a talkin doubtfully uv the propriety uv taxin bonds. I go from here to Pennsylvania, to fill some appintments in that State. Peteoleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 7- ) 472 ANTIETAM. CL. THE ANTIETAM DEDICATION. Post Ofpis, Confedrit X Roads, (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 30, 1867. From Ohio to Washington ! Ther is nary peace for .me ! The sole uv my foot knows no rest. Wher Democrisy is in dan- ger, ther I am. I wuz called to Washinton to consult with the friends uv the President in regard to the Anteetam Dedicashun. The part his Eggslency wuz to take in that affair — wat he wuz to say — wat others wuz to say, ez well ez who wuz to say it, wuz a matter wich required not only profound thought, but the most careful considerashun. Hence I wuz called. I found assembled the entire Cabnet, with the addishen av Binckley ; a gentleman recently arrived from a foreign mission, named McCracken : Govenor Swann uv Maryland, Ex-Governor Bradford ; the poet of the day, General McPoun- der, late uv Lee's staff, now uv the Maryland Melishy ; Kernel Screw, and twenty more who hed held posishens uv trust and profit under the Confedracy, and who wuz now holdin cofre- spondin posishens under the Govner uv Maryland, all uv wich wuz a discussin the various pints involved in this matter. The President hed prepared a speech wich kivered thirty-eight pages uv legle cap paper, and it was segested that he reed it. In the impressive manner for which he is celebrated he began : — " Fellow Countrymen — " '•■ I object to that fraze," said General McPounder. " It's liable to misconstriicshun. Sposin that upon that stand shood be them wich, doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich lost me my niggers, wuz in the Pedral army ? I object to bein considered the fellows uv sich." The objeckshun wuz finally got over by the President's agreein to turn, ez he uttered the words, to the Maryland delegashun ; wich satisfied em, ez the most ultra felt it wuz enuflf ef the President shood address himself excloosively to Maryland Dimokrats ez his countrymen. He perceeded : — MORE CORRECTIONS. 473 " Gathered together onto a field wich the valor uv , loyal arms made forever memorable — " Governor Swann objected. He wuz for oonsiliation. How cood our Southern brethren who had taken the oath be con- siliated, ef tiie fact that they wuz wolloped wuz bein continu- ally flung at em ? Besides, the word '' loyal " wuz offensive to the heft uv the Democracy. I sustained the objeckshun, and it wuz stricken out. The President resoomed ; — " Feelin this day an uncommon solemnity, standin, ez we do, over the mortal remains uv the thousands wich died in the sacred cause uv Liberty, and in defence uv the flag uv our coun — " " Hold ! " sed the impetuous Maryland General, " I protest. In the name of Maryland I protest. Shel the Conservatives uv that glorious State be insulted by alloosions to liberty uv wich they are deprived, and to the flag wich is the symbol uv oppression, and under wich we didn't fight ? " I sustained the objeckshun, and that wu# struck out. He went on : — " When I cast my eye over this field, and let it rest for a instant on this spot where the impetuous foemen wuz driven southward by our brave troops — " Governor Swann remarked that on sich an occasion it wood be perhaps better not to menshun the partikeler direckshun in wich anybody wuz driven. Let it read, I wood say, thus : " On this spot where the impetuous foeman wuz driven by our brave troops." Left thus it woodent be espeshally offensive to anybody. It wood read ez well South ez North, for in that encounter both sides wuz, at times, driven. I sustained the amendment, and the President went on : — "In fucher years the pilgrim to the shrine uv Liberty will paws a moment on this spot, to drop a tear over the graves uv them who here checked the advance uv the hosts uv the rebeUion, and — " Governor Swann was averse to this. It wuzn't soothin to the party wich wuz checked. It wood be better to reed, " drop a teer over the spot onto wich fraternal blood wuz shed." Seein no objection to the amendment, I hed it done. He went on : — 474 THE SPEECH COMPLETED. " The widder in her northern home may weep, but she may console herself that her husband died for his country. She may ■ — " Governor Swann broke in. " Sposn," sed he, " you should say, ' The widder in her Northern or Southern home, ez the case may be, may weep,' &c. Woodn't it be better?" I thot so, and it wuz altered accordinly. The President per- ceeded : — " Here, upon this spot, the armed hosts of rebellion were met and hurled back by — " Governor Swann sejested that that be omitted. The word " rebellion," when applied to a brave people, who wuz strugglin for wat they deemed their rites, wuz, to say the least, too harsh. It wuz struck out, and the President went on : — " Upon this spot, amid the roar uv cannon, the rattle uv musketry, and the clash uv contendin arras, thousands uv the brave sons uv patriotic sires gave up their lives." There wuz nothin in this objectionable. It cood apply to either side or to both, but ez everythin before it hed been stricken out, and ez there wuz alloosions follerin it that wood hev to be, it wuz advisable to bust it, and accordinly I drew my pencil over it. The President then wanted to know wat in thunder he shood say. Feelin that he must say suthin, I prepared for him the follerin remarks : — " My Feilow-Countrymen : I appear afore you, not for the purpose uv makin any lengthy remarks : I simply desire to express my approbashn uv the ceremonies which hev taken place. My appearance is the speech wich I will make. I cood make a speech wich wood tech yoor feelins, but my thots is in communion with the dead — uv both sides — whose deeds we are here to commemorate. 1 shel not attempt to give utterance to the feelins and emoshuns inspired bj'^ the ceremo- nies uv the day. Not any. I shel attempt no sicli thing. I am here to give countenance to the perceedins — to offishally beam upon em — but I must be permitted to hope that we may foller the example set ua by the illustrious dead — uv both sides — and think uv the brave men — uv bolii sides — who fell in the fierce struggle uv battle, and who sleep silent in their AN OBJECTION OVERRULED. 475 graves, yes — who sleep in silence and peace after the conflict hez ceased. Would to God that w^e iiv the livin cood emulate their example ez they lay sleepin in the tombs. Wood that we cood live, ez do the silent dead, in peace and friendship. Yes, in peace and friendship, ez do the silent dead — uv both sides. You, my fellow-coxintrymen, hev my earnest wishes, ez yoo hev hed my efforts in times gone by, in the most tryin perils, to restore peace and harmony to our distracted and divided country, and yoo shel hev my last efforts in vindicatin uy the flag uv the Republic, and the Constitooshn uv our Fathers." I endeavored in this to preserve, ez nearly as possible, the singularly beautiful and loocid style uv the President, that the assembled thousands who shood hear it mite recognize it to-wunst ez hizzen. The last sentence wuz objected to. The Marylanders didn't know whether they cood sit in silence and hear sich talk about the " Flag uv the Republic " and the " Constitooshun uv our Fathers." But they wuz overruled. It wuz held, and properly, I think, that the Constitooshun uv our Fathers shood be understood ez.meanin that instrooment afore the Ablishnists hed knocked out uv it all that made it lovely in the eyes of Maryland — the nigger — and the flag ez it wuz at that period. They wuz finally satisfied with it, and Binckley teched up the speech in some miner pints for delivery. I didn't stay to the celebrashuu, for I hed biznis elsewhere. I writ the President's speech, so I knew that wuz rite ; I heard Bradford's orashen read, and wuz pleased with it. It wuz a powerful apology for the Northern soldiers, and must hev had a good effeck onto the Southern mind. Feelin that it wuz all rite, I left agin for my feeld uv labor. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 476 IN OHIO. CLI. MR. NASBY ASSISTS IN THE OHIO ELECTION. — THE DEFEAT OF THE AMENDMENT. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky October 12, 1867- ' ) 57. ) Fbelin- that the time hed arrived which wuz to decide whether 7,000 degradid niggers wuz to grind 500,000 proud Caucashens into the dust, I felt that ef I shood fail in my dooty now," I shood be forever disgraced. Accordingly, I put in the eleckshun day at a Dimocratic town in Ohio — the battle-field — the identikle place into wich I made a speech doorin the campane. I arrived ther on the mornin uv the elekshun, an found that comperhensive arrangements hed bin made for defeatin this most nefarus and dangerous proposishen. Paradin the streets ez early ez 7 A. M. wuz a wagon containin 25 virgins, runnin from 27 to 39, the most Uv em ruther wiry in texture, and over their heads wuz banners, with the followin techin inscriptions: " Fathers, save us from Nigger Ekality ! " '' White Husbans or none ! " It wood hev bin better, I thot, hed they bin some- what younger. Ther wuz suthin preposterous in the ijee uv females uv that age callin upon fathers to save em from any- thin, when in the course of nacher their fathers must hev bin a lyin in the silent tomb for several consecutive years, onless, indeed, they marrid young. Ef still livin (I judged from the aged appearance uv the damsels), their parents must be too far advanced in yeers to take an activ part in biznis. In another wagon wuz a collekshun uv men wich hed bin hired from the railrode, twelve miles distant, whose banners read, " Shel ignerent Niggers vote beside intelligint Wite men ? " Hangin over the polls wuz a broad piece uv white muslin, onto wich was painted, in large letters, " Caucashuns, Respeck yer Noses Ohio, the most radical of the Western States, voted down the Amendment striking the word " white " out of her constitution by an enormous majority. The result was as mortifying to the liberal men of the United States as it was gratifying to the rebels and their Northern coadjutors. r,i:.A!.!, lii- ■riiio ViiiGiNS. P.i,i.':i' !7! THE ANTI-NEGRO FEELING. 477 — the nigger stinks ! " Then I knowed it wuz safe. That odor hez never yet bin resisted by the Democrasy, apd it hez its inflooence over Republikins. I never saw sich enthoosiasm, or more cheerin indicashuns nv the pride nv race. Ez evidence uv the deep feeling that pervaded that community, I state that nine paupers in the poor- house demanded to be taken to the polls, that they mtght enter their protest agin bringin the nigger up to a ekality with em, wich wuz nine gain with no offsets, ez ther wuzn't an Ablish- nist in the iustitooshun. Two men, in the county jale for petty larceny, wuz, at their own rekest, taken out of doorence vile by the Sheriff uv the county, that they mite, by the ballot, protest agin bein degraded by bein compelled, when their time wuz out, to acknowledge the nigger ez their ekal. One enthoosiastic Dimekrat, who cost us |5, hed to be carried to the polls He hed commenced early at one uv the groseries, and hed succumbed afore votin. We found him sleepin peace- fully in a barn. We lifted the patriotic man, and in percession marched to the polls. We stood him on his feet, two men sup- portin him — one on either side. I put a straight ticket into his fingers, and takin his wrist with one hand, held his fingers together with tother, and guided his hand to the box. Ez it neared the winder, he started ez ef a electric shock hed struck him, and, straightenin up, asked, '' Is it the sthrate ticket ? Is Constooshnel Amindmint No ! onto it? " Ashoorin him that it wuz all rite, he suffered me to hold his hand out to the Judge uv Eleckshun, who took the ballot and deposited it in the box. " Thank Hivin ! " sed he, " the nagnr is not yet my ayquil ! " and doublin up at the thigh and knee- joints, he sank, limber-like, and gently, onto the ground. Ez he hed discharged the dooty uv an Amerikin freeman, we rolled him out to one side uv the house, wher the drippin uv rain from the roof wood do suthin toward soberin him off, and left him alone in his glory. The amendment got but a very few votes in that locality. The Republikins jined us in repudiatin it, mostly upon ethno- logikle grounds. One asserted that he hed bin in favor uv emancipashen in time uv war, becoz the Afrikin cood thereby be indoost to fite agin their Southern masters, and it wood hev 478 INTELLIGENCE. the efFeck uv makin the drafts come lighter in his township. He wuz a humanitarian hkewise. He opposed crooelty toward em. He wept when he heerd uv the massacre at Fort Filler, becoz in the army the nigger wuz ez much a man ez anybody', and sicli wholesale slaughters tendid to make calls for " 500,000 more " more frekent. But when it come to givin uv em the privijege'uv votin beside him, it coodent be thot uv. He coed never consent that a race whose heels wuz longer than hizzen shood rool Ameriky. " My God ! " sed this ardent Republikin, " ef you give em the ballot, wat kin prevent em from bein Congrismen, Senators, Vice-Presidents, and even Presidents ? I shudder when I think uv it ; " and he hurried in his vote. I didn't quite see the force uv his objecshen, for it never okkurred to me that bein sent to Congris wuz the nateral consekence uv votin. I hev voted for thirty years, at many elections four or five times, but I hev never bin to Congris. Wher is the constituency wich wood elect me ? But it wuzn't my biznis to controvert his posishen. It made no difference to me wat his reason wuz for votin ez I desired him to vote. The nigger-lovers beat up one man to vote for the Amend- ment, wich, I saw by his dissatisfied look, hed bin over-per- swadid. " Sir ! " sed I, " do yoo consider a Afrikin suffishently intelligent to be trustid with so potent a weapon ez the ballot ? " Bustin away from them wich hed him in charge, he ex- claimed, " No, I don't ! I can't vote for it. They ain't intelligent enuff. Sir, scratch off the ' Yes ' from my ballot, and put onto it ' No ! ' " " Here is a pensil," sed I. " Do it yerself," sed he ; " I can't write." And I did it. Sich is the effeck uv a word in season. Words fitly spoken is apples uv gold, set in picters uv silver. One man woodent listen to me, but votid the Amendment. He hed bin a soljer, and for eleven months pertook uv the hospitality uv the Confedrits at Andersonville. Escapin, he wuz helped to the Pedral lines by a nigger, who wuz flogged almost to death, in his site, for not betrayin wher he wuz hid. I mite ez well hev talked to a lamp-post, or whispered Gray's THE EFFECT IN KENTUCKY. 479 Elegy into the ears uv a dead mule, wich is the deadest thing I ever see. Ez he shoved in his ballot, he remarkt suthin about he'd ruther see a nigger vote than a d — d rebel, any time. From the direckshun uv his eye-site, I persoom he referred to me. I left for home ez soon ez the votes wuz counted, and the result wuz made known, only waitin till the poll-books wuz made out, and the judges uv eleckshun hed got ther names written by the clerks, and hed made their marks to em. On my way home I wuz gratified to see how the nateral antipathy to the nigger hed revived. At Cincinati, the nite \iv the eleckshn, they wuz bangin uv em about, the patriotic Deraoc- risy goin for em wherever they cood find em, and the next day, ez I saw em at the ralerode stashens, they hed, generally speekin, ther heds bandaged. It wuz cheerin to me, and I gloated over it. Full uv gladnis, I entered Kentucky, and joyfully I wendid my way to the Corners. I wuz the bearer uv tidins uv great joy, and my feet wuz pleasant onto the mountins. Ez I walked into Bascom's, they all saw in my face suthin uv importance. " Wat is it ? " sed Deekin Pogram. " Is it weal or woe ? " " Is the proud Caucashen still in the ascendant in Ohio, or hez the grovelin Afrikin ground him into the dust ? " askt Issaker Gavitt. " My friend," sed I, takin up the Deekiu's whisky, wich, in the eggscitement uv the moment, he didn't observe, " the Constitooshnel Amendment, givin the nigger ekal rites, hez bin votid down by the liberty-lovin freemen uv Ohio. Three cheers for Ohio." They wuz given with a will. The wildest enthoosiasm wuz awakened. Bascom put a spigot in a fresh barl, and the church bells wuz set a ringin. The niggers wore a dismayed look, and got out uv the way ez soon ez possible. A meetin wuz to-wunst organized. Deekin Pogram felt that this wuz a proud day. Light wuz breakin. The dark clouds uv fanaticism wuz breakin away. We hed now the Afrikin in his normal posishen in Ohio, and we will soon hev him likewise in Kentucky. He moved the adopshen uv the follerin resolooshens : — 480 EESOLUTION. " "Warbas, Noer oust Canan, and condemned him to be a servant onto his brethren, thereby cleerly indikatin the status uv the race for all time to be one uv inferiority ; and, " Wareas, To further ehow to the eyes uv the most obtoose that a difference wuz intended, the Almighty gave the nigger a diiferent anatomicle struckter, for full partikelars uv wich see the speeches uv the Demokratic stumpers doorin the late campaign ; and, '■ Wareas, The attempt to place the nigger on ■ an ekality with the white in votin ez well ez taxashun, we consider the sappin uv the very foundashun uv civil liberty, ez well ez uv the Crischen religion ; therefore, " Resolved, That the Constooshnel and Biblikle Democracy uv Kentucky send greetin to their brethren uv Ohio, with thanks for their effectooal squelchin uv nigger superiority. " Resolved, That to the Eepublikins uv Ohio, who voted agin suffrage, our thanks is due, and we congratulate em that now they, ez well ez us, are saved from the danger uv marryin niggers ; and likewise do we asshoor em, that in a spirit uv mutual forbearance, we care not wat particular creed they perfess, so long ez they vote our principles. " Resolved, That the will uv the people havin bin cleerly indikated, we demand the insershun uv the word 'white ' in the Constitooshun uv the Yoonited States. " Resolved, That we ask the colored voters uv Tennessee, and other States where colored men hev votes, to observe how they are treated in Ohio, where the Ablishnists don't need em. In them States we extend to em a corjel invitashun to act with us." The fakulty uv the Institoot met next mornin, for the purpus uv revisin the Scripters. It wuz decided that the word " white " should be insertid wherever necessary, and that that edishen only be yoosed by the Dimocracy and Conservativ Republikins. We made progress, the follerin bein a few uv the changes : — " ' So God created a white man in his own image.' " ' Whosoever, therefore, shall confess me before white THE WORD " WHITE." 481 " ' Suffer little white children to come unto me, for uv sich is the kingdom uv Heaven.' " Wich last is comfortin, ez it shows that the distincshen is kept up through all eternity. I give these merely ez samples. We shel hev it finisht in a few days, and, ef funds kin be raised, shel publish it. Sich a vershun uv the Skripters is needid. Peteoleum v. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 7- ) CLII. A MEETING AT THE CORNERS. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 30, 1867. I wuz a sittin in the Post OfBs, a cogjtatin over the results uv the Ohio and Pennsylvany elections, and hopin for an ekally good report from Noo York, thinkin that ef my hopes wuz reahzed, and sich a Constitooshnel Dimokrat ez Seymour shood be elected, I mite, in considerashun uv my long, and I bleeve valuable services, aspire to suthin more profitable than a Post OfBs. I do not complain, for the posishen hez bin the means uv establishin a credit upon wich I hev lived thus far comfort- able ; but yet 1 shood prefer a place where the salary wood be sufBshent to give me enuff so that I cood lay up suthin for old age. I felt good over the victory, and it seemed to me ez tho we ought to speak, ez Kentuckians, to our brethren North, in- structin uv em how to hold the Staits wich they hev won for us. I give notis, that the Corners wood assemble at the tootin uv the horn, for the purpose uv sendin forth the voice uv Kentucky to the Staits North. The evenin come, and the 31 482 THE REGULAR SPKECH. entire Corners wuz there. Deekin Pogram wuz in his regler seat; Issaker Gavitt wuz in his sainted father's place, wich hez gone hentz. Kernel McPelter wuz there, and also the others who made up the male population uv the Corners, and their wives. It wuz a glorious meetin, and I wuz a rubbin my hands and feelin good at the prospeck uvan improvin occashun, when, to my utter disgust, I saw the door open, and Joe Bigler, who wuz born to be my pest, come in, with Pollock, and twenty or twenty-five niggers, old and young, male and female, white, yaller, and black, and all uv em took seats together in the corner uv the church. I knowd by the meek look uv the nig- gers, and the eggstreem quietood uv Bigler hisself, that suthin wuz up, wich wood develop itself. Bigler and Pollock gen- erally develop. 1 opened the meetin by reraarkin that " the times wore an auspishus look. The power uv the nigger in Amerikin politics bed bin demonstrated. The nigger hed bin so manipulated in Ohio and Pennsylvany ez to give us these States, which we cood hold. But the Dimocrisy uv Ohio and Pennsylvany hed a worj?; to do, wich they cannot neglect with safety. They hed declared the uigger inferior to the Caucashen, and they must keep him so. The nigger must be kept jist wher he is, to serve ez a irritant to Dimocrisy. Ohio gives the niggers uv that State certain facilities for learnin to reed and write ; accomplishments wich no laborin class wich is to be guided, controlled, and worked excloosively by a sooperior class, needs or hez any biznis with. So soon ez a man begins to reed he begins to hev an inquirin mind, and begins to feel a dissatisfac- tion with his speer. Let Ohio repeel these laws to-wunst, that the niggers may not — " "Reverse the arrangement," s'ed Bigler, "and git to be sooperior to the white. Is that it, Perfesser?" " Not eggsackly that," returned I, not knowin wat he wuz drivin at, " but ez Hevin ordained the niggers to be inferior CO us, and serve us, it looks rather dangerous to — " " Give him a chance to rise ? That's wat yoor gettin at, I see. I am a Dimocrat, ez yoo know ; but I don't shudder from that cause — not any. I hev faith in the Lord, wich yoo ap- pear to lack, wich is strange, considerin yoor profeshun. Ef AND THE REGULAR INTERRUPTION. 483 my colored friends here wuz ordained by the Almighty to alluz okkepy an inferior position to us, why, they'll do it anyhow, onless, indeed, we degrade ourselves below ther level. Bf I understand yoor idea, it is that the proud Caucashen is the only favored race wich fixes its own posishen itself, and tjiat all the other races hed places assigned them, wich Godalmity hevin fixed, they can't pass. That bein the case, wat's the yoose, Perfesser, uv our foolin away our time a tryin to strengthen his laws by any act uv ours? Ef the Almighty fixed it, kin we do it any better than he ? " " But spos'n the nigger, ef we don't keep him down by law, shood rise above us ? " " I shood unanimously conclood that ther hed bin a mistake in the figgers, and that we wuz, after all, the sons uv Ham and they uv Japheth. How wood yoo like that ? But that ain't wat ails us. There ain't where our danger is. Dimocrisy, like a man with a tape-worm, carries the elements uv its own destruckshen. Missegenashun is wat's sappin the fouuda- shuns uv the party. Agreein with yoo that the nigger's place is fixed, and that the Dimocrisy coodent git along with- out the nigger, I here utter my solemn warning agin the con- tinyooal lessenin uv the race, becoz that race is our rock, and onto that we stand. Wat sense is there in wastin our capital, or ruther dilutih it ? " " Wat do yoo mean ? " askt I, not gittin at the drift uv wat he wuz drivin at. " Mean ! My meanin is plain. The blacker the nigger is, the further he is below us ; the whiter he is, the nearer our ekal he is. In this calculashun we don't take intelligence, or virchoo, or anything of the kind into account, but perceed upon the hypothesis that a devilish mean white man is consid- erable better than a smart and honest nigger. Therefore, any drop uv white blood in a nigger's veins makes him just one drop less objectionable. Look at the specimens wich I hev brought with me to illustrate my pint. The lighl^colored nig- gers will rise." And every cussed one uv em got up, ez ef by majic, and I saw to-wunst wat he wuz goin for. " You see, Perfesser, I hev here twenty-two spiled niggers. 484 THE TROUBLED SISTERS. Every one uv them ought to hev bin the son or daughter uv two pure niggers, but they ain't. Tliis one's mother, for instance," and he laid his hand upon the shoulder uv a likely quadroon uv eighteen years, " wuz wunst the property uv Deekin Pogram, w^ich circumstance accounts for her hevin the Pogram nose and general cast uv countenance to an alarmin degree, and — " Ther wuz a piercin shreek heard, and Mrs. Pogram v?as carried out faintin, and the Deekin turned ez red ez a lobster, while Bigler, ez solemn ez a judge, went on : — " This girl wuz wunst the property uv Deekin McGrath, who is, I notis, here to-nite. Melissy, stand up," sed he, and a likely mulatto woman ariz. "You will notis," sed he, "that Melissy is rather dark, while her girl, wich yoo see afore yoo, is a half lighter. The race bleached out considerable on Dee- kin McGrath's place. I hev ten or fifteen more, uv various shades, who hev the McGrath face, but — " Mrs. Deekin McGrath, utterin a shreek uv rage, swung out of the church, while the Deekin to-wunst assoomed the color uv his fellow Deekin, Pogram. " I mite go on ; but wherefore ? Yoo all see the pint. I kin show yoo, in this coUeckshun, wich I hev picked up, the pecoolyer feachers uv the Dingeses, .the McPelters, the Bas- coms, and every family around these parts, — tiiat is, the feechers uv the male members uv em. But sence the emanci- pashun I hev notist that this thing hez come to a sudden endin. I hev notist that sence the niggers hev owned theirselves, there ain't no more uv this mixter. Yoo purpose, I suppose, agin redoosin uv em to their normel condishun, and makin uv em men-servants and maid-servants. Ef this is done, let me entreet yoo, brethren, to stop the bleechin process. Ef yoo hev any regard for the Dimocrisy, don't tolerate it no more. The moment a half white nigger is born, yoo can't enslave only half uv him ; for only half comes under the cuss, and only half under the laws agin niggers. That one half keeps down to the Ham level, but tother sores to the Japhet place in nacher. Yoo can't whale a mulatto with only half the intensity 3'oo kin a clear-blooded nigger ; and when they keep bleachin out, and out, and out, ontil they are almost white, what then ? When a JOY AT THE CORNERS. ^85 nigger is nine tenths Pogram, and only one tenth nigger, what then? Kin the Deekin be so deaf to the voice uv nacher — so bare uv impulse ez to oppress so much Pogram for the sake uv gettin his foot on so little nigger ? I can't beleeve it. Be- sides, when it's all run out — when the nigger don't show at all — then wat is to prevent em from walkin off alone, and settin up biznis for themselves ez white meu ? What will become uv the Dimocrasy then?" All this time the niggers wuz titterin, and the white women wuz gaspin for breath, and the men wuz turnin red and white by turns. I arose to rebuke him, when Bigler remarkt tfiat he guest enuff hed bin sed, and that probably the meeting hed better be adjourned. And the audacious cuss give us two minutes and a half to get out uv the buildin. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLIII. THE NOVEMBER ELECTION. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), )- November 10, 1867. ) The Corners wuz prostrated with joy last nite at the receet uv the news uv. the November elecshuns. Ther Wuz nothin demonstrative about our joy, ez thei-e hed bin on occasions uv less interest. No ! the result wuz too great, too overwlielrainly great ! Our nachers wuz filled with joy, and it bubbled up to the eyes, and slopt over in floods uv teers. Deekin Pogram's dawter Mirandy borrered a tamborine, wich wood answer for a timbrel, and attempted to dance down the street, after the fashion uv Miriam, singin, " Shout the glad tidens," et settry, The hope of the Southern people that they would finally get pay for their negroes did not leave them till after the election of General Grant in 1868. livery Democratic victory in the North revived it. 486 A MEETING. but we rebookt her. Sich exultashen seemed to us inadekate. The Deekin met me, and fallin onto my neck, wept perfoosely down my back, wich I stood ez long ez I cood bear the mois- ture. Gently disengagin him, I led him to Bascom's, fearin that so great a waste uv flooids wood cut short the old saint's life, unless that waste cood be repaired. We supplied the deficiency to-wunst. Never saw I sich a picter. The blessid old man sittin onto a bench, a glass uv hot whiskey in his hand : his white hair a fallin scantily about his temples, and tears a running in rapid succession adown his frost-bitten nose, and, glitterin a moment on the tip, droppin, like strings uv pearls, into the space below ! It wuz tetchin ! The citizens met that evening, not to rejoice, but to adopt sich measures for turning the victry to account ez the occasion seemed to demand. The Deekin wuz there, and I beleeve every white male citizen uv the Corners wuz in his seet afore the glad peals uv the bell hed ceased pealin. 1 assoomed the chair, and stated the object uv the meetin. Noo York hed spoken, and Noo Jersey, the blessed State uv which 1 hed the honor to be a native, hed returned to her fust love. I wuz not now ashamed to own that I wuz a native uv Noo Jersey. I am proud uv it, and were it not for the fact that I owe neerly half uv her citizens, in sums rangin from a half dollar up to eighteen, I wood return there to-wunst. But I won't. It wood awaken expectations in their buzzums wich wood never be fulfilled, and I'm too tender-hearted, too considrit uv the feelins uv others, to lasserate them feelins. J can't properly express my emoshuns. Thank Heaven the nigger is ourn. The Northern States hev spoken, and in thunder tones. The Ethiopian wunst wuz on the top wave, but wher is he now ? Two years ago he wuz needed — but now wher is he? The Ablishnists don't need him no more to fill up ther quotas, they don't need him no more to take ther places in the next draft, and thank the Lord he's the same d — d nigger he alluz wuz ! The stink uv the nigger hez overcome ther gratitood to him — ther good feelin hez bin swamped by ther prejoodis. The Dimocrasy uv the two sections uv the Yoonion hez rusht into each other's arms, the nigger wuz between em, and conse- kently is under our feet. What happinis for Kentucky ! The DEACON POGRAM'S CLAIM. . 487 nigger can't go North with^the elecsheii returns starin him in the face, and ef he stays here he must stay on pur terms. Thank the Lord. Deekin Pogram sed that he hednt felt so good seuce his first wife died. He felt too good to speek, and the brethren wood excuse him ef his remarks shood be breef. (We will ! We will ! with great yoonanimity.) Four weeks ago, when we heard from Ohio and Pennsylvany, he hed to-wunst drawd up a skedule uv the loss that hed bin inflicted onto him by the tyranical edict uv the lUinoy Goriller, a copy uv wich he wood reed: — YOONITED STATES UV AMERIKY, In Account with Gabebl Pogbam, Dr. To 1 nigger, Sam, 26 years old . . $1,500 00 1 " Pompey, 30 " . . 1,300 00 1 " Scip, 30 " . . 1,400 00 1 " Peter, 40 " . . 1,000 00 To one lot misselaneous niggers, 22 in number, mostly crippled, and not uv much akkount, hevin bin flogd and chawd by dorgs, and in- joored by being knockt about the head and back, a dissiplinin uv em, at, say, $500 each, 11,000 00 To one nigger gal, Jane, 18 years old, nearly white, with bloo eyes and curly hair, for wich I bed bin ofiFered $2,500 to go to Noo Orleans, 2,500 00 To other wenches, uv all shades and ages, 12 in number, averagin, say, $500, . . . 6,000 00 $24,700 00 This bill he determined to put in, becoz uv this property he hed bin robbed. Last nite he heerd uv the result uv the Noo York and Noo Jersey elecshuns, aad he felt that more yit wuz due him from the uncOnstooshnel government under wich we are forst to live. He wanted pay, not only for his twenty- four thousand dollars' worth uv nigger, biit legle interest on the amount, from Emancipashen to date, incloodin wat he paid to hev the calculation made, and the interest figgered onto it. 488 , A DISCUSSION. and he wanted it in gold, ez he considered greenbax jist ez unconstooshnel ez emancipashen. Issaker Gavitt remarkt, that he hed a chiim on the oppress- ors. He hed made out no bill ez yit, ez the nigger wich alluz did the figgerin for his father got to be impudent, and woodent do it no more. But he shood get somebody who cood write to copy the Deekin's bill, wich wood answer, ez the two farms workt about the same number iiv hands, tho uv fancy stock his father hed alluz kept the most, wich accountid for his bein more bald-headed than the Deekin. Kernel McPelter wantid no pay. He wantid his niggers. To accept pay wood be to acknoUege the right uv a Illinoy goriller to releese em, wich he wood never do. He hed one — he saw her to-day — wich he wood hev back agin. Her and her husband, wich hed bin married sence they wuz torn from him, hed purchist ten akers uv ground up toards Garretts- town, and wuz a livin onto it. Uv course, ezthe eraancipashun wuz illegal, the produx uv their labor sence that time wuz hizzen, jest the same ez though they remained in their normal condishen. The ten akers woodent make him good, but they hed two children born to em sence, wich, ef niggers brot any price, wood do suthin toards it. Bascom perferred to hev ^Government pay ther valyoo, and let em stay free. They all hed some property now — least- ways they could do wat they pleased with their money. Troo, the heft uv the proceeds uv their labor went to Pollock for dry goods, and groceries, and sich, but he bleeved that they wuz a imitative race. Ef they followed the eggsample sot em by their white sooperiors, they wood, in time, leave the heft uv it at his bar. He hed a few uv em under trainin now, and he notist that they wuz better customers than the whites, ez they didn't ewaller their rashens and tell him to "jist chalk it down." A sense uv the meetin wuz then taken, and a majority voted to fust try to redoose them to their normal condishen, and ef thafr wuz decided to be impracticable, then we cood, with still better grace, demand their valyoo uv the Government. " Yes," exclaimed Kernel McPelter, " and for this great work ther is no better time than now. ' The Yoonyun ez it wu? I ' Foller me ! " AN EFFORT AND A FAILURE. 489 And forthwith the entire congregashun piled out, rushing toward the nigger settlement on the Garrettstown road. Arrivin at the settlement, a consultasiien wuz held. It wuz desided that I shood advance to the doors uv the houses and demand surrender, but I declined. Kernel McPelter volunteered, and we all waited the result. He knocked at the door uv the first house. " Wha' d'ye want ? " exclaimed a voice. " 1 want yoo," sed the Kernel. " Wa' foah ? " " My friend," sed the Kernel, impressively, " ef I recognize yoor dulcet tone, yoor my nigger. Four yeai-s ago yoo wuz set free, joo sposed, by Linkin ; but we've done away with that. Come forth, and give yoorself up ; you shel, ef yoo go peaceably, bev yoor old quarters agin, and be treated ez uv old." " Go away, white man, and stop yoor foolin. Dis nigga's in bed ! " " Break down the doors ! " yelled the Deekin, " and hev done with it!" and a. rush wuz made. The doors wuz broke down, and in a miuit the nigger and his_wife, and two children, wuz out in the street, bound, and the Kernel hed the furnitoor packt, ready to take to his own house. In the mean time assaults hed bin made on two other houses, with ruther different results. Deekin Pogram led one on the house uv a former slave uv hizzen, and wuz disabled by a charge uv shot in his leg, and the infooriated nigger threw open the winder and swore that he'd empty tother barrel into the head uv the first man who came within range. The whole settlement wuz by this time alarmed, and lites sprang up, and we cood hear the click uv cocks uv muskets, and the pilin up uv furnitoor afore the doors. It wuz desided that the attempt to. re-enslave em be given over for that nite, and carryin the Deekin, who wuz weak from loss uv blood, we made our way to the Corners agin. The result demonstrated to me the impossibility uv the two races livin together in harmony. There is a natral antagonism between em wich must result inevitably in a war uv races, onless their status is fixed by law. So long ez tliey are among 490 REGULATING A SCHOOL. US, SO long shel we be tempted to subdoo em, and sich sole- harrowin scenes ez that uv last nite will result. Ez I heer the groans uv that prostrated saint, Deekin Pogram (this is written at his bedside in the intervals uv feedin him likker with a spoon), I feel ez tho I must vindicate my birth by goin out and killin a nigger. Nothin but the oncertainty ez to who wood be killed restrains me. Thank Heaven, next yeer, when Seymore is President, and the unconstitooshnel acts uv a Rump Con- gress is done away with, all this will be fixed. It is this that soothes the Deekin, and enables him to endoor his sui3f'erins. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLIV. MR. NASBY REGULATES A SCHOOL. Post Ofpis, Conpedrit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), C November 25, 1867. ) When the Almighty made niggers, he ought to have made em so that mixin with the sooperior race would have been an impossibility. I rite these hues, propped up in bed at my boardin house, my face beaten to a jelly, and pefeckly kivered with stickin plaster ; my nose, alluz the beauty and glory uv my (ace, is enlarged to twict it fair proporshens : my few remainin teeth hev bin knockt down my throat, my lips resem- ble sausages, my left ear is forever no more, and wat little hair wuz a hangin about my venerable temples is gone, my head is ez bald as a billyard ball, and twict its normal size. It come about thus : — There was trouble in one of the Southern counties uv Ohio. In a reliably Democratic township in that county is a settle- A zealous Democratic school trustee did tlirust the daughter of r, Democrat out of school in Monroe County, Ohio, supposing her to be the dauuliter of a negro, the real object of his dislike sitting quietly in her seat meanwhile. THE DISTURBER LETT. 491 ment uv niggers, who, in the old time, ran away from Kentucky, and settled there where they could hev wat they earned, wich was jest so much swindled out uv Kentucky. Uv course comin from Kentucky, these niggers are, many uv em, ez near white ez they can be. One uv em who, carried with him the name uv his master, and, ez he says, father Lett, is ez near a white man ez may be, and ez he married a wench who wuz a shade whiter than he, their children are jist a touch whiter than both uv em. Uv these he hed three daughters, i-angin from sixteen to twenty. Now this Lett is a disturber. He hed a farm uv perhaps 200 akers, and wuz taxed heavy for skool purposes, but his chil- dren wuzn't uv course allowed to attend the skool. None uv the nigger children were. But Lett got the ijee into his hed that there wuzn't no propriety in his payin taxes without en- joyin the benefits arizin from em, and aided and abetted by other niggers, who were wicked enough to complain uv payin taxes to the support uv white skools, he sent his daughters to the skool, directin them to present theirselves boldl}', take their seats quietly, and study perseverinly. They did so, the skool- marm, who wuz a young huzzy, with black eyes and nateral curls, from Noo Hampsheer, where they persekoot the saints, not only assented to recevin em, but gave' em seats and put em into classes — think uv that — with white children. There wuz trouble in that township. I wuz sent for to-wunst, and gladly I come. I wuz never so gratified in my life. Had smallpox broken out in that skool, there woodent hev bin half the eggscitement in the township. It wuz the subjick uv yooniversal talk everywhere, and the Democrisy wuz a bilin like a pot. I met the trustees uv the township, and demsinded ef they intended tamely to submit to this outrage ? I askt em whether they intended to hev their children set side by side with the decendants uv Ham, who wuz condemned to a po- sishen uv inferiority forever? Kin you, I asked, so degrade yourselves, and so blast the self-respeck uv yoor children ? And bilin up with indignashen, they answered "never!" and yoonanimously requested me to accompany em to the skool- house, that they mite peremptory expel these disgustin beins who hed obtrooded themselves among those uv a sooperior race. 492 THE EXPULSION. On the way to the skoolhouse, wich wuz perhaps a mile dis- tant, I askt the Board ef they knowed those girls by site. No^- they replied, they hed never seed em. " I hev bin told," sed I, " that they are nearly white." " They are," sed one uv em, " quite white." " It matters not," sed I, feelin that there wuz a good opportoonity ibr improvin the occashen, " it matters not. There is suthin in the nigger at wich the instink uv the white man absolootly rebels, and from wich it instinktivel^' recoils. So much experience hev I had with em, that put me in a dark room with one uv em, no matter how little nigger there is in em, and that unerrin instink wood betray em to me, wich, by the way, goes to prove that the dislike we hev to em is not the result uv prejudis, but is a part uv our very nacher, and one uv its highest and holiest attriboots." Thus communin, we entered the skoolhouse. The skool- marm wuz there, ez brite and ez crisp ez a Janooary mornin ; the skolers wuz ranged on the sects a studyin ez rapidly ez possible. " Miss," sed I, " we are informed that three nigger wenches, daughters of one Lett, a nigger, is in this skool, a minglin with our daughters ez a ekal. Is it so ? " " The Misses Lett are in this skool," sed she, ruther mis- cheeviously, " and I am happy to state that they are among my best pupils." " Miss," sed I sternly, " pint era out to us ! " " Wherefore ? " sed she. " That we may bundle em out ! " sed I. " Bless me ! " sed she, " I reely coodent do that. Whv expel em ? " " Becoz," sed I, " no nigger she! contaminate the white chil- dren uv this- deestrick. No sech disgrace shel be put on to em." " Well," sed this aggravatin skoolmarm, wich wuz from Noo Hamshire, " yoo put em out." " But show me wich they are." " Can't yoo detect em, sir ? Don't their color betray em ? Ef they are so neer white that you can't select em at a glance, it strikes me that it can't hurt very much to let em stay." THE WRONG GIRLS. 493 I wuz sorely puzzled. There wuzn't a girl in the room who looked at all niggery. But my reputashun wuz at stake. Noticin three girls settin together who wuz somewat dark complectid, and whose black hair waved, I went for em and shoved em out, the cussid skoolmarm almost bustin with latter. Here the tragedy okkerred. At the door I met a man who rode four miles in his zeal to assist us. He hed alluz bed an itchin to pitch into a nigger, and ez he cood do it now safoly he proposed not to lose the chance. I wuz a puttin on em out, and hed jist 'dragged em to the door, when 1 met him enterin it. " Wat is this ? " sed he, with a surprised look. " We're puttin out these cussed wenches, who is contaminatin yoor children and mine," sed I. ' Ketch hold uv that pekoo- lyerly disgustin one yonder," sed I. " Wenches ! You d — d skoundrel, them girls are my 1 " girli And without waitin for an explanashen, the infooriated monster sailed into ine, the skoolmarm layin over on one uv the benches explodin in peels uv lafter. The three girls, indig- nant at bein mistook for nigger wenches, assisted their parent, and between em, in about four minutes I wuz insensible. One uv the trustees, pitj'in mj' woes, took me to the neerest rail- road stashen, and somehow, how I know not, I got home, where I am at present recooperatin. I hev only to say that when I go on sich a trip again, I shel require as condislien precedent that the Afrikins to be put out shel hev enufi Afrikin into em to prevent sich mistakes. But, good Lord, wat hevent I suflered in this cause ? Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 494 A FEARFUL SIGHT. CLV. THE ALABAMA CONVENTION. — THE WOES OF JOHN GUTTLE, JR. Montgomery, Ala., December 1, '67. It is possible that this world may continyoo to exist — that the heavenly orbs may continyoo to roll about on each other's axises, and move in harmonious cycles into their respec- tive spheres — that comits may continyoo to wheel and turn thro the speer assigned em in the grand economj' in celestyel space, but I doubt it. Ef sich a disorganizashen ez 1 am now witnessin doesn't overturn that order wich is Heaven's first law, all I kin say is, nacher is so constitooted ez to stand stun- ners of no ordinary magnitood. I am in Montgomery, in attend- ance on the " Constooshnel Convenshen," ez it is called, now in session in this accussed town. It wuz curiosity wich brot me hither. I hed heard uv this piebald body — uv this black and tan gatherin, in wich niggers and white men — niggers in wich the white blood predominated, and white men in wich the nigger blood predominated — wuz gathered and sittin side by side, the same ez tho Noer hed never oust Ham, and ez tho the nigger wuz not a beast, and not our inferior at all. Ez 1 gazed I sed to myself, — " The times is out uv joint, oh cussed spite. That I wuz ever born to set em rite." I entered the hall with the son nv my old friend, John Guttle. John is a chip uv the troo Guttle block. When I arrived I found him a leanin on the bar uv a small grosery, a smoakin a cigar and a lookin ez disconsolate ez mortal cood. Shakin hands with him, a momentary gleam uv joy shot athwart his careworn face, ez he invited hisself to drink with me. Not feelin it rite to deprive him uv one little ray uv contentment, I stood the drinks not only for him but for a dozen more wich The planters of tlie Gulf States were at loss what to do when the negroes left them, for the idea that they could work never entered their heads. The refusal of the negro to labor unless his pay was assured, and the election of many of them to oflBce, were the two great troubles of the period. THE TROUBLES OP GUTTLE. 495 I found leanin on their elbows on the bar, all uv em with a cigar atween their teeth, uv wich the lite hed gone out in consekence uv their bein too much discouraged to draw em. I knowd the most uv these young men in the happy days uv yore. They wuz all the sons uv planters in the vicinity — all uv em uv the first families uv Alabama, whose fathers hed wunst owned their thousand akers apeece, and hed brot em up ez the troo shivelry viv the South wuz alluz brot up. Ther wuzn't wun uv em but hed worn the most magnificent broad- cloth, and, in his day, won and lost his thousands at faro. Ther wuzn't wun uv em but wuz up in all the ennoblin sports wich wuz the delite uv the shivelry uv the South, sich ez pitchin dollars, draw poker, and horse racin, and scarcely wun but hed fought dooels in his time ; and every man uv em l.ed slaughtered his hecatoms uv Yankees in the late war. Yet here they stood, out at elbows, with naplis hats, and all in the last stage uv seedinis. The young men wuz in a dredful state uv dilapidashun, and their murmnrin wuz more like the lamentashens uv Job than any thin I hed heard for a long time. '' Why," sed John Guttle, Jr., " the old man left me a thou- sand akers uv land, but wat wuz it good for ? I hed no nig- gers ! The whelps refoosed to work without wagis, and that I woodent pay em on prinsiple. Finally they commenst makin ofi'ers for the land, in patches uv from ten to fifteen akers, and crooel necessity compelled me to accept it. The money I re- seeved I wuz compelled to live on, ontil my paternal akers wuz redoost to a scant hundred. The produx uv a hundred akers wood support me, but it won't perdoose. I hev no labor — wher kin I git the labor ? " " Yes," exclaimed all uv the dozen young men, roUin over onto the tother elbow, " Guttle's case is our own. We all hev land, but wher's the labor ? " I wuz about to commisserate em when the bar keeper struck in. He wood sejest, that possibly under the circumstances, it wood be better if instid uv layin on ther elbows, askin, " wher's the labor ? " they shood go and do a little uv. it themselves. Troo, if they shood do it he woodent see so much uv em, but they wood be able to pay suthin for the likker they consoomed. 496 THF CONVENTION. John Guttle and I wended our way to the hall in wich the Convenshun wuz a sittin. In the hall wuz a site ! On the rite wuz a nigger on the floor and makin a speech ; on the left wuz a nigger of majestic presence, with his feet cocked up onto a desk, abslootly readin a noosepaper, and another wuz jist a comin in towards his seat with ez much composure ez tho he hed never did anythin in his life but be a member uv consti- tooshel convenshuns. All about the hall in varius attitoods sot niggers uv varius shades, and all uv em well dresst, self-pos- sessed, and without a particle uv that hoomility wich the race hed alluz displayed wen in the presence uv their sooperiors. " Good God ! " sed I to Guttle, after I hed recovered from my astonishment, " am I awake, or am I dreamin ? Tell me, please, who are these niggers ? " " Dost see that nearly white nigger on the floor offerin a resolution ? " sed Guttle, hoarse with emoshun. " That ni^gger is my property. His mother wuz sold to Orleans twenty years ago, onaccount uv a resemblance wich my mother fancied she saw in him to my lamented father. I kept him ez my servant, and the yaller cuss somehow learned to read. He owns a part uv a place the old man hed in the North uv the State. That one to the rite who is bizzy writin, is another — a blacksmith, wich the old man bot on purpose to do his repairin, coz the white blacksmith wich wuz located near us cost too much. He wnz cheep at $2500, coz uv his bein a sooperior workman, and I am told that the incapable bein hez a shop now uv his own, and hez a pile uv money in the Savins Bank, while I — his nateral sooperior — hev to depend onto the chance liber- ality uv a comparative stranger like 3^00 for the very drink wich I now parch for want uv." And the onfqrtnit young man busted into teers, wich we went out and assuaged. Returnin, he resoomed : — " That mulatto on the left, by the double winder, is a carpen- ter. He bot uv me fifty akers uv land, and when delegates wuz to be electid to this yere Convention he run agin me, and beat me four to one, the ongrateful niggers which we hed worked all our lives absolutely preferrin him to me, to legislate for em," and he bustid into teers agin. " Wat," sed I, " is to be the end uv all this ? " RUIN AHEAD. 4j7 " God only knows," sed he, '' I don't There is nothin but rooin ahead and on each side uv us. These niggers and the crazy whites in league with em, hev now sole control uv Ala- bama, and they are mashin down the 'spectable old barriers wich kept the races in their places. They are passin ordi- nances pervidin for skools. They hev given themselves the ballot and hev disfranchised us who served the Confederacy, so that the power will be theirn for all time to come. The result is already foreshadered in wat they hev done. Out near my place, they hev a village, and a skoolhouse in wich they are taught reedin, ritin, arithmetic, and all sorts uv devilment, by a skoolmam sent by the Freedmen's Commission. They refoose to work for us onless we pay in advance, and consekentlj', ez we can't git labor, our farms is runnin to weeds. And to make matters wuss, the Convenshen is makin labor a lien upon the crops, and so hamper us that it does seem to me that they intend 1o delibretly rooin us. They are establishin skools and churches, and villages everywhere ; and wat is pertikelerly oppressive, we hevn't the power to stop em in their mad career. Politikle power we hev none, and when it comes to force, the beast Pope stands here sekoor behind the bayonets he controls. Good Lord, I — but let's drink." Wich we, did, I payin for it. I shel leave here to-morrer. I kin never bear to hev niggers pass me clothed in broadcloth, with papers stickin out uv ther pockits. I kin never bear the degredation uv hevin niggers pass me without takin off their hats ' and steppin respect- fully off uv the sidewalk. Thank God that Kentucky did not openly rebel. There, at least, we kin keep him in his nor- mal speer. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). y). ^ 498 THE MAETYES. CLVI. A CONVENTION OF SUFFERERS. Post Offis, Confedkit X Roads (wich is in tlie Stait uv Kentucky) January 8, 1868 NoTiciN that Vallandygum hed called a convenshun uv those who hed suffered imprisonment for holdin the opinion, doorin the war, that the South wuz rite in secedin, and for doin wat tliey cood to further the rite, to review their sufferins, I, uv course, expectid to be invitid to attend. Ez no invitashun came, I resolved to spare em the stigma uv havin gone back lonto a fellow-sufferer, and, hencely, I wrote the followin letter, ■wich I shel hev publisht in all the noosepapers. I feel it a ■dooty to call the attenshun uv the party to my sufferins jest DOW, it bein jist afore a new deal takes place : — To C. L. Fcdlandygum, Edson B. Olds, and others, Committee : Your movin note uv the 13th inst., invitin me to be present at a meetin uv those wich hed suffered for conshence sake doorin the late croosade, and to mingle my teers with them, is, receeved. Ez I reseeved yoor note and red it, my sufferins comeback to my mind^o vividl}' that the fountains uv the grate deep wuz onseeled, and I wept scaldin teers. I wept ez I thot how I suffered, how I hed wasted in Baateels the time 1 so much needed in furthen'n the grate coz in wich we wuz all engaged ; when I thot how, for three long weeks, I wasted away, pinin for the free air outside uv my prison walls ; how, for all that time, I wuz exposed to the horror uv seein around me feends in human form, clad in the bloo I alluz detested ; how I wuz compelled to listen, perpetooally, to sich songs ez : A number of Nortliern rebels who were arrested for disloyalty during the war, proposed a convention of " sufferers from the tyranny of a despotic govern- ment," which was, however, never held. The "martyrs" had already aired their grievances too many times to make .such a gathering profitable. Edson B. Olds, of Ohio, was confined a short time in Fort W^arren, and Mulligan and Bowles, two citizens of Indiana, were also restrained for complicity in the troubles in that State. A BRIEF HISTORY. 499 " We'll rally round the flag, boys, We'll rally wunst agin, Shoutin the battle cry uv Freedom ! " And that other detestable air, wich I never hear without a thrill uv horror — " John Brown's body lies a moldin in the grave. But his sole is a marchin on." Wich it is. And also how for three long weeks I wuz com- pelled to live — no, not live, but eggist — with not a drop uv anything stronger or more revivifyin than coffee ; endoorin the namelis horrors wich toilers the sudden takin away uv that on wich we live, and wich our moral, ez well ez physikil, nachers depend. But' out uv regard to my feelins, I close these har- rowin reflecshens. Shood I dwell onto em, I shood be entirely onmanned. When I think of them three weeks without whis- key, reason totters onto her throne, and I wonder that I am still alive. Trooly I am a spared monument. It wood not be out uv place in this conneckshiin for me to dwell for a moment upon the sacrificis I hev made and the torters to wich I hev bin subjectid. I hev suffered probably more than any uv the glorious company uv martyrs, for right- eousnis' sake. My first taste uv Pedral tyranny wuz in 1862. Well do I remember the day. A draft wuz impendin. The tyrannical Linkin, ravelin in the gorgus halls uv despotic power at Washinton, hed isshood his oppressive decree for " three hundred thousand more." I went, confidently, to the eggsaminer's offis for my eggsempshen, but in the face uv the most positive ashoorence on mj' part that I hed bronkeetis and liver complaint at that time, and hed hed at different times uv my life delirum tremens, I wuz laft to scorn, and pernounst ez sound ez a brick. I determined not to imbrue my hands in the blood uv my brethren uv the South. I shuddered at two ijees. First, at being punctured myself, and, second, at puncturin any uv my friends uv the Confederacy. Therefore, I made my way ez best I mite to that refuge from the persekutor, Canady. Need I dilate onto the terrors uv that passage? Need I state how I walked from my then place uv residence 500 THE TRIALS OF A SAINT. to Detroit, and how I swam across the river at that pint on a log, and how, when on strikin the sacred soil, I struck a tabloo and shook my fist at the stars and stripes^ wich I saw wavin on the tother side? No. For all uv yoo hev done it, ef not in Canady, somewhere else. The draft wuz over, and I returned, supposin it wuz all rite. Skarcely hed I reached my humble home, when I wuz arrestid, and dragged to a military camp. I hed bin drawd, and I wuz taken ez a deserter. I did not serve tho. Ruther than to carry a Fedral muskit, I desertid in ernist, and wat military life I did see, I saw in the Confedrit ranks. But that wuz short. The Kernel uv my regiment appreciatin my style, ordered me to be discharged, on the skore that I cood do the Confedrisy more good operatin with the Dimocrisy uv the North than I cood carryin muskits in the ranks uv her brave defenders. He wuz pleased to say that I wuzn't worth a d — n ez a soljer, anyhow ! My second inkarserashen wuz uv a more tryin nacher. I hed bin called to organize and drill a county wich hed deter- mined they never wood, under eny cirkumstances, submit to be dragged to fight in a coz wich they didn't beleeve in. They hed resolved in their meetins to die in their own door yards a thousand times each, ruther than submit to the drafts wich wuz impendin too often, or to the onconstitooshnel taxes wich the Government wnz a levyin. We wuz in camp, 900 strong, when a company uv soljers wuz sent agin us. Wun by wun the defenders uv their rites bethot themselves uv biznis wich they had at home. Wun's wife wuz momentarily expect- ed to be confined, another hed forgotten to feed his cattle, and a third's oldest son wuz to be marrid that nite. Eggsortin uv us to fite bravely for our rites, and die rite there before sub- mittin, they left, fust wun at a time, then five in a squad, then ten, then a hundred, ontil all wuz gone but me and nineteen others. I wuz restrained by pride ; the nineteen others cooden't git away, owin to a barl uv new whiskey wich hed bin rolled onto the ground, and wich they hed monopolized atween era with the only tin cup we hed in the camp. They were, ez a reward for their heroism and the sufi^erins that ensood, all elected to oflSs that fall. I wuz treated with frightful severity. I wuz kept on the AND ITS EEWAED. 501 ordinary rashens uv a private soljer, and wuz compelled, afore bein released, to take the oath uv allegiance to the Federal Government. And wot hev I got for it? Good Lord, I shudder when I think uv the ongratefulnis uv man ! The party for wich I suf- fered all this never so much ez gave me a thing. I wuz never made the recipient uv nothin ontil a reformed Ablishnist wuz made President, who hed to hev a party, and wlio hed to take only sich ez wuz for sale. But for this fortunate circumsta,nce I mite now be forst to beg my bread. I spare joo more detales. Suffice it to say, I approve uv the meetin. It won't do me ez much good ezit will yoo ; yoor sores ain't heeled ; yoo hev bin smart enuff to keep a irritatin uv em. Yoo hev kept a proddin uv em with rusty nales, and tearin uv em open with yoor fingers, afore aujences and in the noosepapers, ontil they hev reely come to be a stench in the nostrils. Let us unwrap em agin. Let the cold wind uy ingratitood blow onto em ontil they get so inflamed that they will attract attenshen. Let Vallandigum onwind his bandages and show the hole the envi- ous Burnside made. Yoo, Olds, repeet the piteous tale uv how yoo wuz deprived uv yoor Bible ontil yoo hed well nigh forgotten Ham, Hager, and Onesimus, and that even waste paper wuz denied yoo. Yoo, Milligen and Bowles, repeet agin the story uv yoor captivity and release, and see to it that yoo get j'oor hair dyed white, and that yoo come into the Conven- shun leanin onto a cane, or, if possible, onto the shoulders uv two young men who wuzn't imprisoned. I probably shan't be there myself, for I want nothin. I am pervided for. But ez a man who suffered even ez yoo did, and for the same coz, my sympathies are with you. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 3- ) 502 A FALLEN PILLAR. CLVII. THE DECEASE OP ELDER PENNIBACKER. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 25, 1868. WuN by wtin we go ! Wtin by wun the tall oaks totter and fall ! We view their prostrate forms a second, they sink into the earth and are lost to site, tho to memry dear, forever. Then around the old stump the young sprouts grow up more vigorouser than ever. I ain't slingin these moral reflecshuns for nothin. I never waste the pathetics. Whenever a man is pulled drowndid from the creek in this visinity, wich happens frekently, there bein three distilleries onto it, I never weep until I see whether he belongs to my congregrashun. It requires too much uv an effort to weep, to do it on all okkashuns. Elder Abslum Pennibacker, to-wunst the strength and prna- ment uv the meetin house uv wich I hev bin for two yeers the pastor, departid this life at 2 P. M. this afternoon. For him I weep, for him the teers is flowin over the paper onto wich these lines is penned. I am writin em in the presence uv the wife and children uv the deceest, and it does em good to see me affectid. When one kin confer satisfaction at so little trouble ez carryin an onion in his pocket handkerchief, he wood be a broot indeed ef he did not prove hisself ekal to the occasion. Elder Pennibacker wuz born in Pennsylvany, uv real old Democratic stock. He wuz born amid the scenes uv the war uv Independence, and he growed up with Revolooshenarj- memries inspiriu him. His father fought in the Revolooslien, havin come all the way across the Atlantic to do it. He wuz a Hessian, and therefore wuzn't penshuned' by the Amerikin Government. But at the Fourth uv Jooly celebrashens, the old man wuz invited to sjt on the stand, the yomanry uv that secshun not knowin that it made any difference ez to the side be took in the struggle. Young Abslum growd up amid exslent inflooences. Ther HIS MANY VIRTUES. 503 wuzn't no skools in the visinity in his infancy, and jisl ez he mite hev bin contaminated by em, his father moved to Ken- tucky, wher he wuz safe from all sich. The old gentleman dyin, Abslum inherited the paternal akers, and paternal nig- gers, and become a man among men. The genius uv the man now began to develop. Untrameled by the narrer views nv his paternal ancester, he boldly launcht out for hisself. He early distinguished hisself by his inventive genius, wich took the real Kentucky shoot. Twas him wich conceeved the idea uv braidin small wire into the lashes uv nigger whips ; and not satisfied with that, he, after a month's hard study brought out the improvement in the nigger-paddle uv borin holes into it. He hed a desprit struggle to get it adoptid. The blind planters nv the neighborhood hed faith in the old paddle, plain, and the Elder wuz forst to demonstrate, by actooal experiment on his niggers, its sooperiority. He killed two in doin it, but he tri- umphed. It wuz found that more chastisement cood be in- flicted with it in a given time, than by the old method, and that it lasted longer. I need not say wat his politics wuz. He wuz never nothin but a Dimocrat. He commenst his career votin three times for Jackson, and the candidates wich foUered in succession hed no cause 'to complain uv his zeel. Under Bookanan his faithfulnis wuz rewardid. The postoffis wich I now hold wuz given him, and he discharged the dooties faithfully and to the best uv his ability. Ez he coodent read, he put wat letters wich arriv out into a box outside, lettin every one who come take one ef they wantid to. The paper wich come to the oflSs for Deekin Pogram he learned to distribbit in two weeks. The out-goin mail he dumped into a Looisville bag, feelin a great load wuz off his mind when it departid. He held the ofBs till they wanted him to make out a quarterly report. He wuz non- plussed. He either hed to buy a nigger who cood read and write, or resign, and he resigned. The Elder wuz the happy possessor uv three hundred nig- gers. They wuz probably the best lot uv niggers in Kentucky. He hed three shades uv color. The trader cood find anything in the line uv a nigger, up to these three, that he wantid, on his plantashen. There wuz the pure Congo, the agil mulatto, 504 HIS LAST ILLNESS. and the comely quadroon, Ther wuz no higher mix than the quadroon, for it will be remembered the family hedn't bin slave-owners but two generashens. They hed accomptished a great deal, however, for the time they lied hed em. The Elder hed bin in failin health ever since 1862. In that year he embarkt into a speculashun wich bid fair to make him Wun uv the wealthiest men in the State, and wood, hed things bin continyood normal. Ther avuz niggera runnin to the Fed- ral camps from all parts uv the State, and the Elder conceeved the idea uv goin to the sed camps and claimiu uv em. The ofEser in command wuz so anxious to consiliate him that he wood gladly give em up, without bein pertikiler about proofs, and the Elder gathered, in that way, in two months, over a hundred. It required a good deel of ridin, and that fatigue, combined with the exposure incident to bushwhackin Fedral pickets, wich wuz guardin his fences and sich, brought on a «spell uv sickness from which he never fully recovered. The Emancipashen Proclamashen nearly finisht him, and he lingered along, a broken man, ontil Johnson's 22d uv Febrooary speech, wich acted ez a tonic onto him. He revived, but the effeck wuz temporary. Ez the Conservatives made headway, he came up, and ez Congris triumphed, he went down, and thus he lived like a candle in a tin lantern, flickrin or quiet, ez the wind blowd. He pluckt up amazinly after the eleckshuns last fall, but alas, the treachery uv Meade and the re-instatement uv Stanton wuz two blows from wich he cood not hope to recover. And so, yesterday at 2 P. M., wich in this case means post mortem, he died, " Send in Sairey ! " sed he, and a favorite mulatto woman uv hizzen who, owin to the fact uv her havin eight children who wuz quadroons, hed stayed onto the place, wuz sent for. She sot on the bed, and the Elder's head wuz placed in her lap. <' Give me my munney," sed he, and a box uv Confedrit scrip wuz given him. And so, with his head in Sairey's lap, fingerin Confedrit scrip and takin likker out uv a spoon, he passed ' gently away. It wuz a troo Kentucky deparcher. " This is the eend of life ! " sed I. " May my eend be like his," mur- mured Deekin Pogram, and all m'uz o'er. There wuz trouble imraejitly. When the Elder's will wuz A GENERAL DISAPPOINTMENT. 505 read I wuz disappointed to find that he hed not remembered me, and Mrs. Pennibacker wuz also disappointed to find that the Elder hed left the half uv his estate to Sairay ; and his wife, Sairey, and the people uv the Corners to wich he wuz indebted in small sums, wuz disappinted to find that Basconj hed a mortgage on everything the Elder possessed, uv quite its valyoo. Bascom, I bleeve, hez a mortgage onto every foot uv ground within ten miles uv here. He wood hev a mortgage onto my property, I make no doubt, ef I hed any. But I ain't, halleloogy ! We buried the Elder to-day. It wuz a large funeral. In the front wuz his children, by his wife, then the entire Corners ; and back uv them more than forty yaller niggers, who hed bin hizzen. Wat drawd em to his tomb ? Wuz it instink ? Who kin tell ? But a pillar hez fallen; I am too sad to write more. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). ^K>®^Ti6^©*"'-^ CLVIII. THE PENDLETON THEORY IN KENTUCKY. Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > February 1, 1868. ) A FEW days ago Bascom come into the offis, and remarked that he thought it wuz time the Corners spoke. " Onto wot pertikeler subjeck wood you hev the Corners speek, my cherub?" sed I. " The Corners hez exercised her throat onto almost everything up to date." " Troo," sed G. W., " but there's one subjeck onto wich the Corners hezn't sed her ^ay, namely, the crushin wate uv taxa- shen, and the question uv payiu the bonds in greenbax." " That's probably becoz," remarkt I, " the Corners pays nary tax ; and becoz, also, not hevin any bonds nor greenbax, she don't care, to speek after the manner uv men, a d — n about it. Isn't that the case ? " 506 MR. bigler's grief. " Probably it is, but at the same time we ought to extend a helpin hand to our brethren North, who are makin a valyent fite on this thing. Parson, we must hold a meetin on this question, and resolve. ' Willin to accommodate Bascom, I called the meetin, and last nite it took place. It wuz an enthoosiastic gathrin. Skasely hed the horn tooted afore the church wuz filled. It wuz curiosity wich brot em. None uv em but Bascom, Captain McPelter, and myself, knowed wat a bond wuz, and they wantid to find out. I wuz called upon to state the objeck uv the gathrin. I opened with a movin appeal to the people who wuz groanin under a load uv taxashen, for the benefit uv the lordly bond-holders uv the country ; whose very life blood wuz a bein sucked out uv em by the bond-aristocrats uv the country. At this pint Joe Bigler, who wuz uv course in the aujence, commenst weepin perfoosely, but disgustinly loud. He fairly bellered, and displayed altogether too much emoshun. " Mr. Bigler," sed I, " woodent a little less violent sorrer anser ? >' " Parson," sed he, " never hevin paid a cussid cent uv taxes in my life, I never knowd afore how much 1 wuz bein op- pressed. But I'll contane myself if I kin. I'll cork up my woes if they bust me." I then went on to explane the Pendleton ijee. First, the Government owes about four hundred thousand millions uv dollers, more or less, wich is borrowed. The Ablishn ijee is to pay this ofi" ez it falls due, in gold, and in the mean time to pay interest onto the bonds ez per agreement on the face uv em. But this is oppressive. This payin interest is wat's eatin us up. Therefore, Pendleton proposes to pay these bonds by ishooin four hundred thousand million uv greenbax. When these greenbax wear out. so that they ain't passable no more — so that Bascom won't take em for drinks, f(M- instance, — why, then \^e'll print more greenbax and give em new ones. I don't see that the debt is paid off any, but we git out uv the intrest. We ishoo a non-bearin intrest note wich the greenback is, for an intrest-bearin note wich the present bond is, and compel the bond-holders to take em, thus releevin us, the tax payers, uv the weight uv taxashen we are now compelled to carry. This AN UNEXPECTED RESULT. 507 ijee is not, however, original with Pendleton. He's bin a steelin my thunder. I subsisted many years in Noo Jersey by the same expedient. Whenever I owed a man I gave him my note, and felt that a great load wuz off my mind. When it became doo, ef it made the creditor eny easier in bis mind, I took it up by givin him another, and so on, pervided he wuz willin and hed faith enuff to pay for the stamps. It wuz an ea.=iy and simple method uv gittin on in the world without onpleasantnis. Captain McPelter, late uv the Confedrit army, wantid to know ef the greenback wuz good enuff for the soljer, ef it wuzn't good enuff for the bondholder ? Bascom endorsed all that hed bin sed, and demandid resoloo- shens, moovin ones, wich he presentid, and they wuz passed. At this pint occurred suthin wich wuzen't down in the bill. Skasely hed the resolooshens passed, when Joe Bigler stepped forward and remarkt that he hed votid for them resolooshens becoz he beleeved in em. But he wantid the ijee carried fbrerd to its logical couclooshen. He owed Bascom eighty odd dollars, wich wuz bearin interest, and hed bin for some time, and wood, probably, for some time to come. Now, what is justis in governmental matters, is ekally so in privit life. He demanded uv Bascom that note, and that he accept in its stead one wich bore no interest. He hed borne this burden too long, and it wuz high time that he be releeved. Deekin Pogram felt that he must agree with Mr. Bigler. Bascom held his note for $190, wich hed bin runnin on intrest for a long time, and he felt that he cooden't stand it no — • " Why, blarst yer eyes," sez Bascom, " I lent yoo that money to save yer farm from bein sold out from under yer feet ! " " Troo, but there's a principle in it. I can't toil to pay interest to yoo no more than I kin to the Government. Let us be consistent, G. W., watever we are." At this junctor every man in the buildin rose to his feet very excitedly, all uv em in korious commenst. " Bascom holds a note uv mine, wich bears interest, and I — " And Bascom, badgered ez he was, flung himself out uv the church in disgust. The aujence who hed, however, got an 508 bascom's triumph. ijee, wuz not disposed to give it up. They follered him with- out eny formal adjournment to his grosery, but he hed antici- pated that, and hed locked it. But all nite they hung around the place, yellin, " Give me my note ! Give me my note ! " and they hed faith that they finally wood bring him to terms. But along about seven o'clock the people began to change their toon. It wuz time for their morniu bitters, and they ex- claimed ez one man, '' Bascom ! why don't yoo open out ? Let us in ! " All uv a sudden the door wuz flung open, and there wuz re- veeled to the gaze uv the Corners the most impressive tabloo ever witnest. In the centre uv the room stood Bascom, with a burnin pine knot in his hand, wildly wavin it over his head ; afore him stood a barl uv whisky, on end, with the head out. We growd pale. " Ha ! ha ! " laft he, with the most malignant and feendish expression upon his countenance, " it wuz yoor turn last nite ; this mornin its mine. Ther ain't a drop in the Corners cept wat is in this barl, and not a drop uv this shel yoo hev for love or money ! Ha ! ha ! who hez the inside track now. I'll burn it the minit the first one crosses the threshhold." " Make a rush," yelled Bigler ; " it won't burn, coz he's bin a waterin it for a week." " Ha ! too troo ! but I hev yoo yit. I'll overturn the barl ! " I seed the pint to-wunst. A cold chill crept over me, and Deekin Pogram shook like an aspen leaf. None cood be pro- koored this side uv Looisvill, three days at least 1 Spose the recklis man shood carry out his threat ! The Deekin and I threw ourselves into the breech. We saw that Bascom wuz in dead earnest. The crowd saw things ez wo did, and softened down. It wuz finally proposed ez a comper- mise that the rekords uv the meetin shood be destroyed, and that the ijee uv exchangin notes with Bascom shood be aban- doned, and Bascom on his part to go on ez yoosual. This set- tled, we all took our regeler stiifners, and thus the Corners bridged the greatest danger that ever threatened her. Ther is peece here now. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). LETTER FROM BELMONT. 509 CLIX. THE IMPEACHMENT MATTER. Washington, D. C, March 8, 18G8. The fnost affectin time I ever'eggsperienced wuz in Wash- inton last nite. His Eggslency telegrafft me to come to Wash- inton. I hevn't tied much to him recent!}', but I coodent for- git that he first gave me the offis I live on, that his honored name is at the bottom of the commission I hold, and I felt that I ought at least to be with him while he wuz dissolutin. I de- termined that he should draw his last offishel breath onto my buzzum. I arrived late, and at wunst perceeded to the Executive Manshen. It wuz a familyer sceen. Ther wuz Seward, Ran- dall, Secretary Welles, and the President, and all uv em graver than the saintly raven uv the stately days uvyore. The Presi- dent wuz a tryin to keep a stiff' upper lip, but I cood see teers a follering each other adown his holler cheeks in rapid succes- sion. " He's a goner ! " thot I ; "no man kin stand that drain on his flooids. No matter how much he may take in, that pace will kill any one." The President wuz a readin telegrams and letters, and they wuz not uv a carikter to pleeze him. The first wuz from Belmont, and read thus : — " I hev, ez yoo know, the highest possible regard for yoor Eggslency, and shel regret exceedinly to see yoo deprived uv yoor high offis ; but, reely you kin scarcely eggspect the Dimocracy to embarrass themselves by espousin yoor coz. The fact is, no party hevin a fucher before it kin tie itself to a ded past. The teemster draws a sigh over a ded mule, but ez a ded mule can't draw his cart, he naturally turns his eyes onto them still possest uv vitality. I hope yoo see the pint without my explainin it. Excuse me for comparin yoo to a ded muie, but the simile wuz the first that segested itself to me. " With profound respect, I am, &c. The Democracy treated Johnson with contemptuous coolness in his last days. His failure to divide the Eepublican party made hira of no use to them. 510 LETTER FROM PIERCE, " P. S. Should biznis call me to Tennessee, I sliel do myself the honor to call on yoo in yoor dignified retirement." The President wiped an avalauche uv teers wich foUered the reedin uv tliis unfeelin letter, and the next waz opened. " Maysville, Ky., February 30, '68. " Wood a regiment uv Iri^h raised in this place h* uv any servis? Anser ! J. A." " Hell ! " sed Randall, " the whple county only polls 800 votes, and that cnss hez bin borin me for a place in the depart- ment for over a year. Drive on." The next letter wuz from Vallandygum : — " Since the disgraceful exhibishen yoor friends made uv theirselves at the Philadelphia Convenshen, I didn't consider myself bound to yoo. I, ez yoo know, never took any stock in halt-and-half mixters. My defeet by Thurman hezn't increased my love for yoo and yoors. I hev no objecshen to yoor holdin yoor seet to the end uv yoor term, but reely it's a matter uv but little consekence to me. Shood you pass thro Dayton on yoor way to Tennessee, I shood be glad to extend the hospitali- ties uv my humble house to yoo." The next one wuz from Franklin Peerse, and dated at Concord, N. H. : — " I feel for _yoo ; that is, I feel for yoo on general principles. (Thad Stevens, permit me to say, in parenthesis, hez been feelin for yoo, and hez at last, I am satisfied, found yoo.) I feel for yoo ez I do for every man who hez a offis and is obliged to leeve it. Nevertheless, I can't help you. 1 wood, but yoo see we hev all we kin do to help oiirselves. Uv course yoo don't expect the Dimocracy to take any part in the struggle between yoo and Congriss. Elected ez a Republikin, with Republikins in yoor Cabinet, the Dimocrisy, while they applaud wat 3-00 hev done, can't uv course make j'oor quarrel theirs. When yoo leave Washington for Tennessee can't yoo take Concord in yoor way ? I hev no objecshen tominglin teers with yoo." The next wuz from a Western politishen, lately appinted Postmaster : — " Sir : I return the appintment yoo gave me last month AND OTHERS. 511 with loathin and skorn. I survived the Noo Orleans and Memphis massacres, yoor opposition to the will of Congris, and all the other damnin inqnities uv yoor most damnable administration, but this last attempt to hist Stanton I can't endorse. Therefore I bolt. Your successor will, I hope, do me justis, and likewise the Senit." ''Lord !" sed Randall, " that cuss bored me for better nor a yeer for the appintment, but the Senit won't confirm him. 0, Wade, what hevent yoo to undergo? 0, Johnson, from what hev yoo escaped ! " A prominent Eastern Dimocrat wrote ez follows : — " Defy Congriss, and let em impeech yoo. Dare em to do their dirty d — dest. Ef they shood hist yoo, all the better. It will be an immense help toward the election uv McClellan. Think how much yoo kin do for the coz in this way, and stand firm. Visit Hartford on yoor way to Tennessee." A Western Democrat wrote : — " Be firm — be firm. The impeachment uv 3'oorself will raise sich a storm uv indignashun in the North, and sich sym- pathy for Southern Dimokrats, ez to make the nominashun uv even sich men ez Breckinridge certin. Yoo are, now, uv vast yoose to the coz ! I will meet yoo at Looisville, and accompany yoo to Tennessee." " McClellan ! Pendleton ! Breckinridge ! "' shouted the Presi- dent ; " wat uv me ! Am I to bleed solely for their good ? I don't want to go to Tennessee, nor I won't. Am I to go out impeached for their benefit? Never!" And Androo, who isn't quite ez much uv a philosopher as Sokratees, bustid into ■ teers, swearin that he'd see em blest afore he'd sakrifis a minit uv his term for any body's yoose but his own. The next wuz from a Assessor in IlJinoy, who went on to remark that he wood be glad to support him, but a decent re- gard for the interests uv his family indikated a different course. He hed espoused the cause uv the President agin Congris for the sake uv the position, and the President cood well under- stand that it wuz no more diflScuit to change now to keep a offis, than it wuz to change two years ago to git one. He wuz at this time bizzily engaged in supportin Congris. 512 MR. RANDALL'S CONCLUSION. " Call it not ingratitood," sed he ; " I wuz in the market then, and am now, percisely ez wuz all them wich yoo led captive out uv the Republikin party. He is a eggregis ass who wor- ships the settin sun, when by turnin around he kin let the golden rays uv the risin orb beam onto him." At this pint, and long afore the afflicted President hed re- covered from these blows, Welles's nephew, who hed bin out on a scout, returned with a report. Fust, he hed notist that every durned one uv the cusses who hed bin beseegin the White House for appintments for months past, wuz now doggin Senator Wade around ; that they waited in-doors, at the door uv the Senit Chamber, and that they beseeged his hotel. Sec- ondly, that the Constooshnel Yoonyun Club wuz then in session, and wuz jest debatin the question whether to change the name uv the Club to the " Ekal Rites Assosiashen," or the " Radikle Brotherhood ! " Third, that the conservative clerks in the Departments wuz all organizin theirselves in Grant clubs, and that already one uv the Department clubs hed ordered 4000 Grant medals, turnin in the old Johnson medals they hed bin wearin as part pay. " Good Heavens ! " sed His Eggslency. " Wat else cood yoo expect ? " retortid Randall : " we bot em cheap, and they are cheap men. I maj'' do the same thing afore nite. The experiment uv buyin up a party at so much a head hez bin tried afore, and hez alluz failed, very much like the ijee uv perpetual moshen. Yoo ken git considerable enthoosiasm ez long ez yoor provender holds out, but then — The fact is yoo dident get no Republikins worth hevin, and yoo ain't uv no yoose to the Democrisy, becoz yoo coodent carry enuff uv them Republikins over to do em any good. My deer sir, j'oor in a tite place. We're retired physicians, whose sands uv Hfe hev neerly run out. I see afore me a long vista uv private life. I sold myself ruther cheep, but I don't complain. I hev about filled the measure uv my ambishen — people forgit in a few years, and ef they didn't, Amerikin people won't be crooel enuflf to hold my children responsible for wat I hev done. Some uv em — I hev keerfully kept em away from Washington for neerly three years — may yet redeem the name uv Randall, even ez worthy men by the name uv Arnold hev managed to live and POLLOCK VS. BIGLEE. 513 be respected — their virchoos more than balancin the un- fbrtiiiit name they wuz cust with. But, A. Johnson, yoor time is sliort. The Republikins is furious, and the Dimocrisy hed rather see it than not. I, too, will visit yoo in yoor retire- ment in Tennessee." ■' More joy A. Johnson in his eggsile feels, Than 'fore the Senit laid him by the heels." By the time he wuz done talkin, the balance uv em hed all left the room, and when he wuz done he went too, leavin no one but me. The sceen wuz aifectin. Droppin his head onto mj' buzzum, the ecaldin teers a runnin down his cheeks, he ex- claimed, in a holler voice, " One by one they go. Mrs. Cobb fust, and the balance immejitly after. 0, wata world is this !" I draw the curtain over his greef. I may hev to financeer somewhat to hold my place, but I alluz respeck manly emoshn. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). — s=ft®^ai&i«®*aiB^@*< — CLXIV. THE IMPEACHMENT FAILURE. — THE PEELING AT THE WHITE HOUSE. Washington, D. C., May 19, 1868. The happiest hours I hev enjoyed for years past over me last nite. The failyoor to impeech filled me with joy inexpressible. Thank Hevin ! Halleloogy ! Ef I wuz David I shood re- string my harp, ef I wuz Miriam I shood order a fresh timbrel, After the failure to impeach President Johnson, the Democracy turned their eyes towards Chief Justice Chase as the most available man to lead them. It was a most curious thing to see Chase and Voorhees in communion sweet. CONGRATULATOEY DESPATCHES. 529 ef I wuz Herodias I shood dance afore the King ! For we hev pervaled. Our shepherd boy hez met this Goliath uv Radical- ism, and with weapons wich he took from his pouch hez con- kered him. This rapsody hez reference to impeechment ex- cloosively. When the vote wuz announced ther wuz the wildest en- thoosiasm manifested. The streets wuz immejitly filled with the faithful. Baltimore and the cities furthfer South hed vom- itid all over Washinton. Mrs. Cobb, no longer in teers, hed returned, the pardon-brokers, whisky-spBkilaters, and those who hed difficulties with courts on account uv irregularities in the currency they manufactured, wuz all here, and joyful. Confedrit Captains, Kernels, and Brigadiers forgot their re- spective ranks and embraced each other in the public streets ; the gray coats wich hed seen servis at Anteetam and Harper's Ferry made their appearance agin, the drinkin saloons filled up ez ef by magic, in fact, the sceen remindid me very much uv the revival uv the coz on the 22d uv Febrooary, 1866. At the White House there wuz the most terrific exhilerashun. The President sat smilin serenely, Sekretary Welles (blessins on his frosty pow) wuz ez lively ez the Dunderberg, and Patterson wuz normal. The room wuz crowded with persons to congratoolate the President on his sucpess, and every minit congratulatory despatches wuz bcin reseeved, uv wich the foUerin is samples : — Concord, N. H., 19th. The Diraocris}'^ uv Noo Hampsheer send greetin to Noo Hampsheer's noblest son, Salmon P. Chase. We forgive and welcum him. F. Peerce. Noo Orleans, 19th. The city is ablaze with enthoosiasm. My old poleece is now paradin the streets, a cheerin for Chase. Ez I write they are givin nine cheers and a tiger ez they pass the spot at wich Dostie wuz shot. Judge Abell desires me to add his congratu- lashuns. Monroe, Ex-Mayor. Peory, III., 19th. The circle wich hez a interest in the handlin nv ardent sperits at this place, congratulates the President on his triumph 34 530 THE COOLNESS OP RANDALL. over his (and our) enemies. Ther confidence in the integrity uv the Senit wuz not misplaced. They consider the money they contributed to bring about this result well spent, and will promptly honor any draft made upon em lor means to carry His Eggslency safe thro the remainin ten articles. By order uv the Circle. The President promptly answered this telegram, statiu that no more money was' needed to be yodsed for impeachment pur- poses, ez the contract with Senators kivered the entire eleven articles. There were others from Morrissey, Vallandigham, and others, all breethin the same sperit uv thankfulnis for the result, and all acknowledgin indebtednis to the noble Republikins wich hed brot it about. These come from my old Kentucky home : Halleloojy ! I'll hev my niggers agin ! Thank Hevin ! My son Josier is even now findin out ther whereabouts. The Lord be praised ! Hev already subjoogated three uv em. Selah 1 Bells is ringin and bonfires is blazin. Pogram. The Corners congratulates yoo and the President. I com- mence work to-morrer on the enlargement uv my distillery, wich wuz suspended when the impeachment onpleasantnis wuz begun. All hale ! McPeltek. " Wh)"-," sed I to Randall, who sat moody and alone, " don't yoo and the President share in the general exileration ? He doesn't seem to be the least eggscited." " Why shood we ? " retorted he. " Doth the shepherd go into spasms over the sheep he hez safe in his fold ? The fact is, our eggscitin time wuz several weeks ago, while we wuz a buyin uv em, and arrangin for this. The Black Crook is ruther startlin to the beholder from the front, but to the managers who contracted for the legs at so much a pair, and arranged the tablo it ain't so startlin." " Thinkst thou the new programme will result ez the Presi- dent hopes ? " " No ; the new party can't succeed, no more than our last vencher did. It ain't made up uv the right material. There's more intelleck than sole in it — more bowels than heart. There's Chase, Pessenden, Trumbull, and Grimes. Chase hez A DREAM. 531 ambition, Grimes hate, and Trumbull and Fessenden dyspepsia, making the engregencies in the new organization half ambition and hate and half dyspepsia. Never trust a man whose stnmick is out of order; take no stock in him whose bowels is unsound^ Intelleck is nothin, heart is nothin, onless there's a stnmick under em on wich to build. Chase hez no conshense, Trumbull and Fessenden no gastric joose. Sich men alluz conspire and alluz fail. Still, I'm glad the thing occurred." '• Ef it amounts to nothin, why glad ? " " Becoz it lets Johnson and me out. When Arnold went back on his countrymen, his countrymen forgot Joodis Iskariot ; when Aaron Burr ariz, they to-wunst forgot Arnold ; Pierce drove Burr out uv the public mind, Bookanan made em forget Pierce, Johnson made em forget Bookanan, and now Chase will make em forget Johnson and me. That's what I wuz drivin at. Under the storm I shell leeve for my quiet Wisconsin home and live in peece, for beside these latter cusses I shel loom up into comparative respectability. Good nite. All is well." At a late hour I retired to my virchus couch, and fallin into the deep sleep wich only visits the pillers juv them whose bon- shences ain't bothered much, uv whom I am wich, ez my con- shence sheds convickshen uv wrath to come ez a duck does spring rain, I dreemed a most curis dreem. Methawt the Presidenshel course wuz reely and trooly a race course, and the candidates hed to run that course, the winner uv the race to be glorified. At one end uv the track wuz a weighin stand and at the other the winner's post, which wuz the White House. The runners wuz to carry the candi- dates for Vice President, and sich other weights ez their backers sliood put onto em. The Republicans hed Grant on the ground, promptly and ready for the race. He come up splendid. He wuzn't so mighty immense, but he wuz clean-limbed, decently developt all over, and showed first-rate in the back and loins. Colfax vaulted onto his shoulders, and he wuz ready. Our people hed some difficulty in selectin a man to run agin him. Finally Chase wuz selected to run, and he wuz brot to the -weighin stand. To the naked eye he wuz a splendid specimen, and he come up to the stand so galliant, that not with- 532 STRIPPING THE EACEES. standin he carried in his hand a silver pitcher wich the niggers uv Cincinnati give him for defendin a fugitive from Kentucky, our people cheered him vociferous. Tall, strong, and muscular- *lookin, in good flesh, deep-chested, broad-shouldered, strong- backt, he wuz ez perfect a specimen ez I ever beheld, and all felt confident that he wood hev no trouble in beatin his oppo- nent out uv site. At this pint Vallandygum, Peerse, Vorhees, Morrissey, and Wood, who hed charge uv our arrangements, took him in hand. " We must prepare our man," sed they. " Take orf this Abliahn coat," sed Voorhees. " And this imparshel suffrage vest," sed Morrissey ; " the nigger hezn't the moral qualificashens for the ballot." " And this free soil shirt," sed Wood. * " And that anti-fugitive slave law wig," sed Voorhees. " And them ekal justice shoulder-braces," sed Peerse. '■> And them humanitarian pants," shreeked Wood. " We can't abide. none uv these things," yelled the crowd. " Peel ! All uv these yoo got from the Ablishnists, free-soilers, and Republicans. We'll none uv era." The silver pitcher he carried in his hand thej' trampled into the mud, and one by one the obnoxious garments wuz pulled off from him. Heavens ! wat a change ! Ez they wuz removed he shrunk. Wlien the coat wuz taken off he wuzn't so broad and massive ; when the vest wuz gone he wuz positively flat- chested ; when the shoulder-braces wuz removed he became hump-backed ; and when the pants wuz snaked off he stood afore us the merest skeleton I ever beheld — a weak, shaky, Avheezin skeleton. Our folks looked disappointed, but it wuz too late to change. A loose two-sided wrapper, wuz thrown over him, Gov. English climbed onto his shoulders, Vallan- dygum jumped into one pocket and Pernandy Wood into the other, the brass band tooted, the crowd yelled, he made one convulsiv start, but in vain. The stiffnin wuz all out uv him. His poor, weak knees gave way, his back doubled up, and he came to the ground, every bone in him ratthn ez he fell, while Grant made the race serenely. " My God," sed Morrissey, lookin at the poor wreck, " what he got from the Ablishnists wuz all ther wuz uv him, after all 1 " THE CHICAGO CONVENTION. 533 At this pint I awoke, and wuz saddened. There's where our trouble lies. We hev to strip these fellows, when they come to us, uv all that gives era any strength. Chase, without his Ablishnisrn. can't get a Ablishen vote, and the Democracy will vote for their own men in preference. Names ain't worth a d — n any more, and men without principles ain't uv tlie slightest account. And that's what's the matter with Democracy. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLXV. THE CHICAGO CONVENTION. — MR. NASBY GETS ON A HEAVY DISGUST. Post Ofpis, Confedeit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), y May 24, 1868. ) I WUZ at Chicago one day. My ears wuz stunned with 'rors for Grant ; the bands wuz all plaj'in the Star Spangled Banner and.sich, and even the street organ grinders hed attooned^their lyres to the same Ablishun melodies. On my arrival I askt a vishus boy (wich I knowd wuz Dime- kratic, from the fact that his little shirt wood hev hung out uv his little pants ef he'd hed any shirt), ef he cood show me where the Ablishun Convenshun wuz a holdin itself. " Certinly I kin," sed he. '' It's in that yer bildin," pintiii to a ruther gorgus edifice with a steeple to it. I entered it, and wuz surprised at the fewness uv the dole- gates on the floor, and at ther pecoolyer appearance. They didn't look like delegates to any Convenshun I hed ever at- tended. Ther noses wuzn't uv the color I hed ben accustomed to. They wuz all solemn lookin chaps, with gold spectacles, black coats, high foreheds, and white neckerchers. At this pint I turned to a man sittin beside me, and in an undertone askt wich wuz abed on the last ballot, Colfax or Wade? 534 IN THE WRONG PEW. '< Sir," sed he, " are yoo a Johnson postmaster ? " " I am," Bed I, defiantly. " How didst determine that pint ? " " By yoor breath," sed he. " Yoor mistaken in the place, my friend. This is a Methodist Conference." That wicked and perverse boy bed intensbnelly deceeved me. Unable to obtane admission into the Opera House, I whiled away the rosy hours a visitin the delegashen rooms. The Inge- any delegashen offered me water when 1 intimated I wuz athirst. The Ohio delegashen knew me on site and rekested me to dust, and the Californy delegashen, uv wich I expected better things, bed the impudence to offer me wine ! Wine ! Wine ! to feed sich a nose ez I carry about. Wine to satisfy the cravins uv sich a stumick ez mine ! Faugh ! Disgusted at the thinness uv the beverages, I retired into a friendly hos- telry kept by Dennis O'Shaughnessey, and at his hospitable bar, solaced myself with three fingers uv Kentucky ^is- tenance. There wuz no enthoosiasm among the citizens uv Chicago wich I naterally fell among. The s'loon keepers, wich in re- membrance uv the Demokratic Convenshun uv 1864 had made extra preparashuns, wuz gloomy, sad, and disappointed. These places, garnisht for the occasion, wuz sad and lonely. There wuz an entire absence uv that gentle gurgle wich to. me is so pleasin ; there wuz none uv the generous noses and faces ligh'ted up with the radiance born uv the bai'l, wich I am so accustomed to. It's the last Republican convenshen I shel ever attend. The idea uv a confrence sittin in the same city with a convenshen ! The idea uv minglin politics with religion ! Will there be confrences in Noo York in Jooly ? On my return, we wuz a settin in Bascom's a discussin the nominashens. Deekin Pogram wuz indignant. " Good Heavens ! " said he, with horror in his sainted face, " kin it be that men perfessin nashnel views wood offer sich a insult to Kentucky ez to nominate sich a man ez Grant, who, sword in hand, devastated her fertile fields, and piled the bodies of her nootral sons who resisted his advance mountains high ? Kin it be that — " , " Easy, Deekin," replied I ; " stiddy ! stiddy ! Don't ta.ke a A JUDICIOUS PAUSE. 535 posishen rashly. It ain't improbable that we may hev to nomi- nate Hancock, or some other soljer. In that event — but I've eed enuff." '• Well, at all evence," sed the Deekin, " it's a most hoomiliatin thing to hev thrown in our faces a infamous propo&ishen to pay a debt inkurred in a infamous attempt to subjoogate us — to pledge our labor to pay a debt unconstitooshnally inkurred, and un — " " Deekin," sed I, " yoor zeel I do admire, but yoor reely indiscreet. It may be found necessary in order to carry Noo York to nominate Belmont's man, who will be pledged to this very thing. Go a little slow." " Well, however that may be, it's a burnin shame to throw into Kentucky's face a Abolishnist — two uv em in fact — and • — " " Deekin " (I spoke this time severely), " yoor very indiscreet to-day. It's possible, and I may say probable, that that noble patriot, Cheef Justice Chase, who hez bin a iriteful Ablishnist, and who, ef he runs, will, for obvius reasons, make us swaller at the beginnin a porshen uv his heresies, may be our candi- date. Say uothin, Deekin, that yoo'I hev to take back." Feelin that rite here wuz a splendid chance for an improvin discourse on the nacher, objicks, and aims uv Democracy, I opened out onto em. " Dimocrisy," I remarkt, " is distinguished cheefly for its elasticity in adaptin means to ends. One wood suppose that Postoffis is its cheef end. In one sense it is. Dimocrisy is willin to sacrifice anything wich it hez for PostofEs. It mite raise Deekin Pogram's ire to sejest the nominashen uv Han- cock, on akkount uv his slawterins, or Belmont's candidate on nkkount uv his insistin on payin off the Nashnel debt, or Chase, who hez bin in his day suspected uv bein tainted with Ablish- inism. But, my brethring, let it be remembered that success is the main objick. Success is wat Bascom wants, that I, bein continyood in offis, may hev the means to pay for the likker I coosoom, and to avoid the necessity uv bein continyooally rekested to chalk it down, which practis he esteems disgustin, and one wich greatly increases his labors. Captain McPelter wants success, that he may continyoo to hev Assessors, Col- 536 THE GREAT IDEA. lectors and Revenoo offisers with wicli he kin divide the profits uv the $2.00 tax on the whisky he makes, and Deekin Pugrani wants success that he may hev his niggers agin, or at least that he may hev the privilege uv hirin em for $4 per month, deductin 25 cents per day for each day's absense, withoutvno Burow offiser or other military satrap hangin about to molest or make iiiVaid. Success is the main pint, and ef Hancock is the way, walk ye in it ; ef Chase or Seymour is the way, walk ye ditto, for with either iiv these men all these things we'll hev. When they come to us they leave ther former selves behind. But methinks I hear one say, Hancock is a soljer, Seymour a anti-repudiator, and Chase a Ablislmist ! Wat uv that ? They may be wat they like when they go into offis, — assosi- ashen with us fetches em sooner or later. The road down is a easy one to travel. It's easier to slide than. to climb, wich is the reason why so many more are damned than saved. De- mocracy, like Bascom's new likker, holds a man when it gits him. Johnson wuz a good enuff Ablishnist till he called onto us for help, and then he wuz lost. Let Chase stay with us a week and he'd forgit all his old ideas, yoo bet. Shood yoo poke that silver pitcher at him the niggers give him at Cincin- nati, for defendin a fugitive, and he'd swear like Peter he never saw it — only differin from Peter in that he'd stick to it. And there is no goin back, for the principal ones. Ther remorse kind o' drives em deeper and deeper, till they finally are worse than ez tho they originally wuz uv us. Let us, my brethren, never reject any help we kin git. Let it come in any shape and from any source, it'll finally assimilate to us and be uv us. Ez I conoiooded my remarks, my circle all agreed that it wuz safe to take whatever we cood git from the enemy, and we retired, I feelin that whatever other localities mite do, the Corners wuz safe. Wat an outrage it is, though, that the Ab- lishnists nominated sich a man for Vice-President ez to make Grant perfectly safe from bein removed ez Linkin wuz. Ef he's elected he'll serve out his time sure. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). A PROPER NOMINEE. 537 CLXVI. THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. Post Offis, Confedeit X Roads ) (wich is in tlie Stait uv Kentucky), y .June 1, 1868, ) The matter uv a Presidenshl candidate hez opprest me, and hez also exercised the gigantic intellex who congregate at the Corners. We hev desided that Cheef Jnstis Chase won't do. We kin support him cheerfully, for his method uv conduktin the impeachment trial hez satisfied us uv his hankerin for a staudin in our party. Besides this, havin made a start, we con- sider him safe anyhow. The man wich kin take a nominashen at our hands, or identify hisself with us, may alluz be countid onto. The Ablishnists never forgive sich, and ther ain't no other place to go. When Johnson and Doolittle and that crowd left the Ablishnists, I knew where they would land better than they did. Facilis descensus averni, wich bein translated into the vulgar tongue, means, the road to hell is macadamized. Hancock won't do, becoz our Southern breth- ren hev a prejoodis agin the flag he drawd his sword under. Pendleton wood anser the West, but the Bast is opposed to him. I therefore, after givin the matter matoor considerashen, hev desided to propose for the posishen the name uv Jethro L. Kippins, uv Alexander county, Illinoy. I hev the follerin reasons for insistin on his nominashen: — 1. He's geographically level. By lookin on the map, it will be seen that that county in Illinoy is the extreme south-west- erly part uv the State. It is a Northern county with South-_ ern ideas. Across the river is Kentucky, west is south-east- ern Missoury, ^nd east is lower Injeany. They grow tobacco there, and yearn after slave labor ez intensly ez we do across the river. 2. Nobody knows him. The name uv Jethro L. Kippins, hez never filled the soundin trump uv fame. With him on our tikkit several pints wood be gained. On all the questions on 538 JETHEO L. KIPPENS. wich there is a doubt in the minds uv the Democracy, Jethro L. Kippens is uncommitted. He is unembarrassed with views, and on troublesome questions hez nary an opinyun. The trouble Pendleton hez with the greenbax wood not affect him, neither wood any uv them other questions wich are ruther embarrassin than otherwise. He hez but one political princi- ple, wich he holds is enuff for any one man, and that is Democ- racy, ez it hez bin, ez it is, and ez it may be. He beleeves firmly in the cuss uv Canaan, he holds close to Onesimus and Hagar, and hez sworn a solemn oath that no nigger shel ever marry a daughter uv hizzen. This noble sentiment, wich alluz strikes a responsive cord in every buzzum, wood be emblazoned on the Kippins banner. 3. Jethro L. Kippinses posishen on the war question is happy. He opposed all the steps wich led to it, and when it finally broke out, he proposed the only troo Demokratic way uv stoppin it. It wuz his opinyun that we hed no rite to coerce the South — that there wuz no warrant in the Constitooshen for any sich perceedin. " Ef Boregard fires onto~ Major Anderson," sed he, " let Major Anderson go afore the nearest Justice uv the Peece and hev him bound over to keep the peece, and ef the Justis can't enforce his warrant, why that ends it. We can't go beyond the Constitooshn." After hostilities actooally begun, his posishen wuz eminently satisfactory to both sides. He wuz in favor uv the war, but opposed to its prosecooshen. He re- niarkt that the South hed committed a indiscreshen, but were he in Congris ho shoodn't vote for nary man nor dollar for carryin on a war agin em. His two sons served in the war, one in the Confedrit servis and one in the Fedral — both ez sutlers. The war bore heavy on him — he made great sacri- fices. Three other sons he supported in Canada doorin the continyooance uv the unnachrel strife. 4. Jethro L. Kippins hez all the elements uv popularity. He wuz born in a log cabin ; he studied DaboH's Arithmetic by the lite uv a pine knot, held for the purpose by his mother ; he drove boss on the canal, wuz a salt boiler in Southern Ohio, a wagon boy on the Nashnel Road, wuz left an orphan when six weeks old, swept a store in his early yooth, went down the HIS QUALIFICATION. 539 Mississippi on a fiat boat, wuz in the Mexikin war, and hez a consoomin pashen for horses. He hez, in this, the advantage of Grant, ez his pashen wuz so contioomin that it got him into a temporary difficulty, wich required 12 naen, a Judge, and two lawyers to settle, one uv the lawyers bein the State's Attorney uv the county. These facts in his biography I got from his own lips. Bf there's any discrepancies, uv course the committee on biography will reconcile em. It may be that he may hev done too much — wich is to say, ef all he sez is tioo, he wood be two or three hundred years old. Ef so, it will hev to be pared down. He hez bin justis uv the peece ten years in his native township, wich gives him a splendid knowledge uv constooshnel law. 5. He's trooiy nashnel in his views. He knows no North, no South, no East, no West, no nothin. That last qualificashen mite prejudis some agin him, but to me its his chief holt. For with sich a man in the Presidenshel chair I wood be safe. We hev an abundance uv sich men ez Wood, Seymour, Vallan- dygum, et settry, who kin manage a President, but who are too odorous to be electid very much to that posishen them- selves. Therefore, it's necessary that precisely sich a man ez I hev described be electid ; and the fact that Chase knows too much, is the objection I hev to him. Polk wnz manageable, Pierce eminently so, and poor old Bookannon was wonderfully pliable. Sich is the candidate wichi I present. There are manj^ pints in his favor. Our people wood to-wunst exclaim, " Who'n thunder is Kippins?" and before they cood find out, the day uv election wood be on em, and they'd vote him. His hevin no record is also in his favor. Wat wood Pendleton, Vallan- dygnm, Seymour, and Wood give ef tho_y hed no record? A record is like a tin kittle to a dog's tale — it's a noisj' appen- dage, wich makes the dog conspicuous, and invites everybody to shy a brick at him. I heyent menshund in this, nor shel I, who would be a proper man for the seckund place on the ticket. T hev my opinion. Kentucky is deservin uv recognishun — that's all I shel say. The modesty wich is characteristic uv me prevents 540 ON THE WAY TO NEW YORK. me from segestin the partickeler citizen uv Kentucky who ought to be thus honored. We shal see whether or not repub- lics is ongrateful. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). P. S. The fact that Jethro L. Kippius holds my note for $18.63, with interest for two yeers, hez no inflooence in my segestin his name. I am inflooenced by no mercenary con- siderashuns. CLXVII. MR. NASBY A DELEGATE TO NEW YORK. Niiw York (at a cheep boardin } house), July the 4, 18C8. \ Ef I hed knowd just wat 1 hed to go thro with, I never wood figgered for the posishen I now okkepy. Hed I knowd the troubles wich was to beset me, the Corners mite hev gone onrepresented, and the Democrisy mite hev nominatid a candi- kate without my help. I am at a cheep boardin house, wich is sahibrusly sitooated on an alley, the landlady bein one uv the anshent Kings uv Ireland, wich her name is O'Shaughnessy. I coodent get rooms at the Aster, nor the St. Nicholas, ez I coodent git a clerk to look at me. And that insult mite be added to injoory, the unfeelin woman who presides over the manshen I inhabit, peremptorily refoozed to reseeve me ontil I paid in advance. I tried sevral places, but ez I hedn't no baggage, the pervailin opinyun seemed to be that advance payment wood be better, and I wuz forst to return to her. My advenchers on the route were noomerous, if not pleasant. At some pint in Ingiany, wher we changed cars, I found the trane we hed to take full uv delegates. In lookin around for a seet, I diskivered but one that hadn't two in it, and that one hed in it a disgustin nigger, who hed the impoodence to be ASSAULTS A NIGGER. 541 well drest, and bed a carpet sack beside him. My Demokratic blood riz to-wunst. Feelin that in a car filled with Demokratic delegates, anything I shood do to a nigger wood be safe, I stawkt proudly up to him, holdin my nose. " Good Lord ! " sed I, " wat a smell." " Good Lord ! " ekoed the delegates wich got on at that stashen, " wat a terrible smell." " ^ly gentle Afrikin frend," sed I, seezin him by the collar, " I regret the necessity uv sayin disagreeable things, but yoor impudence in gittin into a car uv white gentlemen, with the disgustin odor inseparable from the Afrikin race, is too much. And more especially do I wonder at yoor keepin yoor sect, while I and other white gentlemen are standin." " Out with the nigger ! " yelled the lately arrived delegates ; " hustle the stinkin cuss." " Merciful Hevens, wat a smell ! " sung cut others uv em. " Hist him ! " " Hist him ! " Seein myself thus backed, and feelin that a little zeal wood be safe, ez niggers can't vote, I knockt his hat out uv the winder, and follered up that demonstrashen with a serious attempt at liftin him out uv the seat. I wood hev succeeded, but the nigger resisted vigorousl}', to-wit : he knockt three uv my front teeth down my throte, pulled out wat little there wuz left uv the hare that hangs in scanty festoons about my venrablt; temples, and blackt both my eyes. I wuz lyin on my back in the passage, somewat astonished, the nigger a standin over me, with his boot heel over my face, when some gentlemen came in from another car and restrained him. " Mr. Williams," sed they, " let him up. He's poor white trash, and not worth wastin yoor indignashen onto. Let him up, Mr. Williams, let him up." " Sirs," sed I, risin to my feet, tremulous with rage, " is this the treatment I am to expect all the way to Noo York ? Am I to be pounded to jelly by a nigger, — a stinkin nigger, sirs, whose odor oven now makes the car ontenable to gentlemen uv refined sensibilities, — and to heer the nigger addresst ez " Mister " after that, instid uv bein tored to pieces by the infuriated spectators ! shame, where is thy blush ? " "You mizable cuss," sed one uv these gentlemen, "apolo- 542 AND DISCOVEES THAT HE IS A DELEGATE. gise to-wunst to this gentleman for ycor insultin roodnis, or we'll chuck yoo out uv the cars. Apologize, sir, to Mr. Josef Williams, Delegate at Large for the State uv Tennessee ! " I almost fainted. This nigger, then, wuz a delegate ! He wuz a regler delegate, armed and equipped with regler cre- denshels to a Demokratic Convenshen, and I hed been guilty, in my zeel, uv assaultin uv hira ! Gladly I apologyzed, and further, I humbly begged permission to sit beside him; wich he accordid with a graciousnis I never saw ekalled. It wuz astonishin the change that crept over the Tnjeany delegates. They crowded around us, and shook him by the hand ; thej' didn't smell any odor at all any more ; on the contrary, they seemed to like him. They addrest him ez " Mister," and sevral uv em, introdoocin him to ther friends who got on at various stashens, j'oosed tho prefix " Honorable." It's wonderful wat a difference it makes with a nigger to have a vote, and also how he votes ! Hed that Williams bin infected with Ablishinnism, I make no doubt that the stench wich I reely fancied I smelt when I fust undertook to snbjoogate him, wood hev continyood to the end uv the trip. In olden times it wuz observed that slave niggers didn't smell — it wuz only the free ones. It is a settled fact now that Demokratic niggers are inodorous ! I mite hev known, however, that the nigger wuz a free nigger, by the way he pitched into me. No nigger in a state uv servitood wood ever hev did sich a thing. That much they owe-to the war, anyhow. My principal object in goin to Noo York wuz to do wat I cood toward secoorin the nominashen of Jethro L. Kippins. I found the delegates badly tore up. The offers made for votes wuz so rediculously low that there wuz much disgust man- ifested. The trouble wuz, that the markit wuz over-stockt. Hed the Convenshen bin pretty ekally divided, and the balance uv power held by a few clost mouthed souls, they cood hev made a good thing of it. But where a whole Convenshen is in the markit, and all ther inflooenshel fi-iends, no candidate can afford to buy. I withdrew Mr. Kippens to-wunst, for he hez but a small farm, and that mortgaged to a grocery keeper. I wuz on the Committee on Resolooshens, or ruther wuz in the room ez a sort uv advisory committee while the resoloo- THE RESOLUTIONS. 543 shens wuz bein draftid. General Forrest, uv Tennessee, wuz partiklerly anxshiis that a resolooshen sbood be adoptid do- nouncin the Radicals, who wuz, with unholy hands, a strivin to destroy the best government the sun ever shone upon, and one the destruction uv wich wood be a calamity wich unborn millions wood shed teers over. He desired a resolooshen pledgin the Dimocrisy to stand by the old Stars and Stripes, wich flag bed braved a thousand breezes, and wuz synonomouri, et settry. Mr. Woolley, Mr. Cobb (Mrs. Cobb's husband), and Perry Fuller, pertikelerly desired a resolooshen demandin the turnin out uv office uv corrupt men, that the government mite be administered with suthin like the purity wich distinguished it doorin the administration uv the late lamented Bookannon,at the menshen uv whose name every delegate present held a hankercher to his eyes for five consecutive minits, ez tho a grate greef hed fallen onto him. Cheef Justis Chase wuz espeshelly anxyus for a resoloshun denounsin in the severest terms them onprincipled, fanatikal Eadikels, who for years hed bin laborin to subvert the govern- ment, by interferin with the persuns and property uv citizens, and also pledgin the Convenshen to that wise conservatism without wich ther cood be no permanance in our government. I dropt into the Soljers' and Sailers' Convenshun, but I didn't stay long. Them whose noses 'svuzn't red, wanted to be either President or cabinet orfisers ; and uv the balance uv em, the leastest sed the better. My sole indignated ez I saw seated among em the very sutler who refoosed me credit when I wnz servin ez a drafted man in 1862 ; and also a claim agent, who got $10 uv me, on the promis uv getin my bounty ; which, when he got it he absorbed in fees, costs, and commissions. Ther wuz, uv coorse, some troo men. Ther wuz soljers ther wich resigned early in the war on akkount uv its bein a d — d Ablishin war, and others who left becoz Linkin wnzn't rapid enuff in makin uv Major Generals. Ther wuz no limit to ther speekin. Every wun hed the speech wich lie delivered at the Cleveland Convenshun in 1866 carefully preserved, and they all insisted on deliverin em, wich ez I left they were doin, all to themselves. Ef they kin stan it I am willin. We are agoin to hev a Soljers' Convenshen in Richmond to ratify the nom- 54 I DETERMINED TO BE SUITED. inashens, wich will amount to suthin. We shel hev Forrest there, Boregard, and Breckenridge, and their speeches will count. We will hev the flags uv the two governments en- twined, and we will hev the moosic uv both seckshens played. Sich a Convenshen will amount to suthin. Wat the platform will be, or who the candidates will be, the Lord only knows. I am prepared for anythin, and so are all the delegates. Ef it's Pendleton, on a repoodiashen platform, well and good ; ef its Seymour, on a Nashenel Bank platform, jest as good. I shood be happy to see Breckinridge the choice uv the party, and delighted ef Hancock shood be chosen. I kin hurrah for Chase, and with ekal vigger kin swing my hat for Vallandygum, and I tind all the delegates similerly affected. The Post OflSce is the lean kine wich swallers up all the others. We are willin to sink everythin in Post Office. That my sin- cerity may not be doubted, let it be remembered that I have rid with a nigger from Ingeany to Noo York ; hev bin whaled by one, and hev felt good over it ; hev bin hurrahin for an old line Abolishnist, and swearin the while I liked it. Bf any other evidence uv flexibility is needed, I feel ekal to the task. Po- litically, I am ekal to. all emergencies. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). — H>:»>3i C <« e , July 31, 1868. ) We hed last nite a ratification meeting at the Corners, wich started out gloriouslj'', but didn't end so happily ez it mite. I Probably there never was a more unsatisfactory ticket, or a more contradic- tory one, than that nominated by the Democracy in 1868, and the platform was quite as absurd and contradictory as the ticket. SEYMOUR AND BLAIR. 545 hed gone to a good deal uv trouble about it, and bed made all arrangement for a feast uv reason and flow uv sole, ekalled by few ratifications and surpassed by none. The blessed Deacon, McPelter, and Issaker Gavitt, who ex- pect respectively to hold the posishens uv Assessor, Collector, and Whiskey Inspector for this district, come down handsomely with the funds, enuff to enable me to dekorate the post offis with flags and transparencies, and myself with a pare uv ready made pants, wich I muddied considerable to make em look old, so that they shood not suspect ther funds hed bin applied in that way. Human nacher is a inscrutable mystery. They wood objeck did they know I hed clothed myself with ther money instead uv wastin it on taller candles and sich, wich burn out and leave nothin behind. I wuz economikle in my expenditoors, or rather little expense was nessary. Desirin to wake the enthoosiasm uv the Democ- risy, I procoored a parsel uv Confedrit battle flags, wich the returned heroes hed brot home with em, and hed the talismanic words, " Seymour and Blare," painted across em. The effeck wuz gor^us ! Ez nite approacht I hed the transparencies, saved over from a celebrashen wich hed bin held after Cliicka- mauga, lighted up. The enthoosiasm, ez the populace saw these, and listened to Captin McPelter, ez he red em to em, wuz overpowerin. How they cheered ez the words flasht out into the nite, " Southern Rites, Southern Men, and a Southern Government 1 " " Death to Northern Hirelins ! " " Down with the gorilla Linkin ! " " JeS" Davis and the Confedracy for- ever ! " " No quarter to Fedral invaders ! " And when I5ore- gard's black flag, onto wich " Seymour and Blair " wuz painted in red letters, wuz unfurled, ther arose sich cheers for the nominees uv the Noo York Convenshun ez 1 hed norer heerd before, nor expect to again. At this time, jist ez everythin wuz a gitin red hot, the trouble commenced. Pennibacker, wich runs our biggest and best distillery, jumped onto the platform, at my suggestion, and pro- posed three cheers for Seymour and Greenbacks, and three groans for the bloated bondholders. The crowd, with troo Dimokratic docility, wuz asroin to cheer, when Bascom, who hez some 5.20's. riz, and swore that he'd be d — d ef that shood 35' 546 TROUBLE. bo. " Governor Seymour is in favor of payin, the Nashnel indebtedness, principal and interest, in gold. Reed his speech at the Cooper Institoot." " Is he ? Is he ? " shoutid Pennibacker, springing onto the platform, " Is he ? Reed the platform wich he accepts ! " " Don't Belmont, and the eastern bankers, support him ? " veiled Bascom. " Don't Vallandygum, Pendleton, and. dirty shirt Dean sup- port him ? " yelled Pennibacker. " Yoor doctrin," sed Bascom, excitedly, " is a d— d swindle — a peace uv theevin, wich a Arab wood be ashamed uv, and Seymour sed so." " Yoor proposishen is a outrage onto opprest people, a grindin uv em into the earth under the heels uv bloated aristo- crats and pampered sons uv luxury, and the platform Seymour stands onto says so," shouted Pennibacker. "Yoor a swindler!" excitedly yelled Bascom; whereupon they clinched and rolled orf the platform titely huggin, and making extraordinary physikle efforts at injoorin each other. To direct the attenshun uv the populis from this untoward circumstance, I rekested Issaker to sing out three cheers for Blare ! " Three cheers ,for Blare ! " sung out Issaker, " the Missouri statesman, who will rid us uv Freedman's Burows and military rool." " Three cheers for Blare ! " yelled Punt, — "a Ablishnist and Linkin hirelin, wich shot my unkle in Missomy, and burnt my grandmother's house near Vixburg ! " " He ain't no Ablishnist ! " exclaimed Issaker ; " reed his letters." " It's difficult to say wat he is to-day, but I'll swear to it he wuz three years ago ; but it makes no difference. I swore four year ago to lick any man who hurrahed for any member uv the Blare family." And this infooriated wretcli pounced onto Issaker, and the)' rolled off the stand to join Bascom and Pennibacker, who hadn't settled their onpleasantnis yet. Before it ended Deekin Pogram and Kernel McPelter got to arguin ez to the propriety uv recognizin niggers in the ranks THE TERRIBLE ENDING. 547 uv the party, the Deekin takin one side and McPelter the other. The passions uv these estimable gentlemen wuz rouzed some- wat, and before I cood interfere they hed each other by the throte, and rolled orf onto the ground beneath the platform. 1 sprang down to separate em, when McPelter turned upon me, and- wood hev sacrificed me on the spot, but the Corners rusht, ez a man, to save me. Ez I owe the most uv em, I am entirely safe here, and ez I shel be ontil I pay my debts, I shel never die uv violence. At this pint the fite became general. Some uv the people sided with Bascom, some uv em with Pennibacker (akkordin ez they bought whisky by the barl or by the drink), and the balance uv em assisted Bigler and Issaker Gavitt, ez ther incli- na^ihun promptid em. In the melee the platform, flag, and transparencies" wuz tore down, nearly breakin my leg, for wich I wuz insuffishently remuneratid by the handkerchers I borrered from the prostrate combatants, under cover of assistin uv em to rise. After the scrimmage wuz over, Pollock and Bigler came, with three niggers, into Bascom's, where we wuz repairin dam- ages, wich remarkt that they hed held a meetin, and hed passed resolooshens thankin the Lord deyoutedly for havin releeved the Republikin party uv the Blare family, and sympathizin with the Democrisy wich hed reseeved em ; and also acknowledging the obligashen the colored men uv the nashen were under to the Democrisy for the handsome manner in wich they hed treated Joe Williams, the Afrikin delegate to the Noo York Convenshen, ez the selectin uv a nigger ez a delegate, and assosiatin with him on terms uv ekality, wuz a step in the direction uv yooniversal Brotherhood, wich wuz cheerin. This insultin message, delivered to men wich wuz a patchin up ther faces and washin orf the blood uv a politikle conflict, wuz the' reverse uv soothin. The ratificashun wuzn't altogether a success, but we shel try it agin after time hez softened the asperities engendered by the recent conflict, and the candidates hev hed time to fit theirselves and ther records to the platform. The Corners kin be counted on. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. , (wich is Postmaster). 548 THE ELECTION OF GRANT. CLXIX. THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. Post Offis, Confedrtt X Roads ") (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), v November5, 1868. ) Bad news travels fast. We hev heerd from enufF uv the States to know that the butcher Grant — he wich wunst afore stood in the way uv the Confedracy — hez been elected Presi- dent, and that Seymore and Blare, our gellorious standard- bearers, hev bin defeated ignominously. This ends it ! This finishes it ! There iz no longer hope for Democrisy. Our star is sot in gloom. Never shel I forgit the gastly appearance uv Deekin Pogram's face ez the fatal nooze wuz told him. A single tear rolled from his left eye, down his furrowed cheek ; it glittered for a brief moment on the tip uv his brillyent nose, and plunged ofi" into 'space ! How like our hopes ! Never a word sed he, but sadly beckoned me to foller. Sadly he walked to the square, mournfuUy he pulled down the Confedrit flag which hez waved from the pole in front of Bascom's, tenderly he folded it, and placed it under tlie barl uv whisky in the bar. " Thar let it rest," gasped he in a husky tone ; " it will never kiss the breezes no more." And overcome with emoshun, the good old man busted in a flood uv tears, wich saved his life. The drain uv moisture from his system made it necessary for him to take suthin to fill its plase, and that suthin wuz strengthnin. To save him I took suthin strengthnin too. I won't say a word ez to the causes uv this most terrible defeat. Seymore wood make speeches, wich hez alluz bin fatle to Presidenshul aspirants, and IBlare wood rite terrible letters, wich is just ez bad. Besides, Blare fairly represents us, wich druv off all the decent people, and Seymore ruther prides his- self on hein a gentleman, wich chilled the ardor of our party. The nominashuns were unforchnit, but I don't reproach em. It's fate. I hev reason to sigh. For Pollock will git the Post OfSs after all. Tho hiz hands are contaminated by bein taken into THE DARK FUTURE. 549 the hands uv niggers, — his hands wich handles kaliker and draws molasses, and iz consekently degraded by earnin his own livin, — his l:ands will pass out to Deekiu Pogram the paper wich the Corners takes ! The Deekin, ez he thot uv this, bust into teers agin. " I shel stop that paper," sez he, " and the Corners shel go back into the darkness uv ignerance. 1 shell never go agin for a letter, nor will I hev one written for me to any body. When,a Ablishn face is at the general delivery 1 shel stop paternizen the Post Offis ! " Will the new Administrashun deprive a whole community uv a paper merely to give one uv its supporters a posishun ? We shel see. But I cood endoor the loss uv my posishen ; for principle I kin look marterdom squarely in the face ; but I see other ^and more terrible results foUowin this catastrophe. Wat uv the niggers? Wat uv us. We shel hev niggers votin at the Corners ! We shel hev, at our poles, all uv the black cusses who live between here and Garretstown, a votin ez regler ez though they wuz white men. We shel hev em defilin the sakred ballot-box ez tho they wuz not uv a cu.ssid race. I see dark lines afore our poor State. They will here- after hold the land wich they hev bought, and wich they live on, by a sure tenure, and they will increase and multiply. Pollock will buy ther prodoos, and they will work and git mone}'. This money they will lend to us, — fbr we must hev it to sustain life, — and they will take mortgages onto onr land. (When I say our, I mean Deekin Pogram and sich.) Ez we never work ourselves, and will not hev, under the present arrangement, the means of compellin the labor necessary to our support, we kin never pay : and the result will be, this beautiful land uv ourn wich we so deeply love, will pass out uv the hands uv the stronger and better race into the control uv a weaker and less powerful people. The Deekin was re- markin suthin to this effect, when Joe Bigler remarkt in reply, that the Deekin bed better throw himself onto the sympathy uv his sons. " Why, they can't work any more than I kin," sed the Deekin. " I don't mean yoor white sons ! " sed this terrible Bigler. 550 A PROPHECY. " They ain't uv no akkount. But in the nigger settlement at Garrettstown yoo hev more than twenty who wood — " The poor Deekin rushed ouL uv the room, while Bigler laft his most feendish laff. The people will be deprived uv their innocent amoosements. This Grant will send on armed hirehns, clothed in ojus bloo, with muskets and sich, who will prevent our shootin niggers, and who will protect on ther farms and in ther houses the ojus Northerners who hev settled in our midst. We shel see the glorious Southern system decline stidily and shoorly. The whipping posts will rot and the stox will decay ; the yelp uv dorgs will no more be heard, and the cheerful crack uv the pistol and the shreek uv the man wat has got his gruel will no more be heerd in the land. Bascom, after he hez the few farms still unmoi'tgaged in the visinity, will close, and go to Looisville and embark into the wholesale grosery trade and jine the church, and give librerly to Sunday skools ; his grosery will fall into dekay, and the sine will h^ng by one hinge. We shell see churches and skool houses, factrys and villages every- where. The Pogram place uv 2,000 akers will be divided up into twenty farms, and onto them will be the bustlin Noo Yorker, the cool, calculating Yankee, the stiddy, hard-workin German, who will display his grovelin nacher by working himself instid uv forcin niggers to do it for him. We shel be run over with skool-marms, deluged with acadamies, plastered over with noosepapers, stunned with machinery, drove crazy by the whirr, crash, and clash of mowin machines and reapers. And there will be cheese made at the Corners. Pennibacker's distillery will be turned into a cheese factry, and weak whey will run wher now the generous high wines flash along the troughs. Ther will be no rectifyin at the Corners ; the hog pens will be abolished, and in ther sted will be skool houses. And methiuks I see in my mind's eye, Horasho, the speerit, the ghost uv the departed Pogram (for he won't survive it long), a hoverin over the scene, ez Hamlick's father did. The blessed shade will look in vain for his house — on the spot wher it stood will be an academy. He will turn to Bascom's, but ther he will find a deestrict skule. " To Pennibacker's ! " he will gasp, in a speerit whisper, and A CHANGE OP BASE. 551 with a eperitooal smack uv his speritooal lips he will hover over it, but the smell uv cheese in the place uv the strengthen- in odors in wich he delites, will send a speritooal shudder thro him. A ghost uv a tear will run down his speritooal nose, linger for a minit at the tip, like a dew drop on the rose, and fall ! Then will the' dissatisfied ghost demand to be taken back to purgatory, a place less tryin to his nerves. All is up with me and us. I shel stay in Kentucky for the present, tho wat may become uv me the Lord only knows. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLXX. MR. NASBY GOES TO NEW YORK AND ESTAB- LISHES HIMSELF IN 'BUSINESS. Post Offis, Confedkit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), j- December 31, 1868. ) The undersigned hez made a great leap. He located in Noo York in pursooance uv an ijee wich he hez cherished long. His career in Noo York wuz brilliant ef it was short. It lastid twenty-four consecutive hours, that being the average length uv time a honist man kin exist in that city. One of the classic poits speeks uv the awkardnis uv bein in hell without claws ; iied he substitooted Noo York for hell he wood hev hit it closer. The citizens uv the Corners held a consultation ez to wat wuz to be done with me when A. Johnson shood shuffle orf the mortal coil uv offishal life. I broacht to em my ijee uv goin to Noo York, to wich they acceeded with an alacrity wich wuz not so complementary ez it mite hev bin. I thot I de- tectid in ther eagernis to pervide for me, at a distance, more uv a desire to get rid uv me than a solissitood for my well- 552 THE OUTFIT. bein. Indeed, wlien Deekiii Togram askt " Wher sbel we fix him ? " Bascom onfeelingly remarkt, " Any wher — anywher ! " But sich is life. Republics hev alluz bin ungrateful. Homer begged his bread, and A. Johnson wuzn't nominated for the Presidency by the Dimocriey. When 1 statid that I desired to go to Noo York, and that all that prevented it wuz capital enuff to start a grosery, Bascom to-wunst remarkt that that shoodn't stand in the way. " I mite ez well give yoo two barrils to-wunst," sed he, " and be done with it, ez to hev yoo prolong it, a drink at a time, for six months. Indeed it wood be more economical, ez it wood save me the labor uv drawin it. I give two barrils uv whisky to git rid uv — that is, to establish — our friend in a new field uv labor." McPelter and Pennibacker eontributid money enuff to pay the freight onto the likker, and to provide the necessary fixters for a bar, and that nite I left the Corners, hopin never to be compelled to return. But feelin the truth uv the proverb that there's many a slip betwixt the cup and lip, I didn't resine the Post Offis, but lockt it, leavin directions with the boy who carries the mail to leave Deekin Pogram's paper at his house. On my way to Noo York I indulged in the most pleasin dreams. I fancied myself behind my own bar; gittin my own likker at wholesale ; uv hevin a back room into wich caucuses shood be held • hevin a suffishent run uv biznis, and the consekent control uv enuff votes to be on speakin terms with Governor Huffman and Mayor Hall ; uv bein nominatid for Alderman ; uv havin contrax ; uv buildin a house on Fifth Avenoo, and bein a ginooine Noo York aristocrat ; uv havin my carriage, with the coat uv arms uv the Nasby family onto the panels ; uv goin to Congris, in the place uv Morrisy, and so on. It wuz a lovely dream, but I wuz destined to a sad awakenin. I rentid a grosery store in a convenient corner uv 6th Ward, and put over it, in bold letters, the legend, " Michael O'Nasby," with the harp wich wunst thro Tara's halls, its sole uv moosic 'shed, paintid conspicyons ; and bein a troo Amerikin, I bed the green flag uv ould Ireland paintid rite above the Stars and Stripes, THE OPENING. 553 In two days I wuz ready for biznis. My establishment reely looked well. I bed my two barrils conveniently mounted ; I bed thirty glasses in a pan ; and a plate uv crackers back uv em, to show, merely, ez no one yooses them in the 6th Ward. In the mean time I bed made many pleasant acquaintances. Two Aldermen and four or five gentlemen connected with the city government bed lookt in, and interdoosed theirselves, and exprest theirselves pleased at my comin. Bein a stranger in the city, they gave some valuable advise. " The first thing to do," sed one uv em, " is .to make ac- quaintances. I wood suggest that you bev a formal openin. We will, ef the idea strikes yoo, take the trouble to invite a few friends in, say to-nite, to save you the trouble, that you may establisli j-ourself. Is it a go ? " Overjoyed, I remarked, " Certainly^'' Fatal remark ! That remark, short ez it wuz, wuz my undooin. My friends come, and with em their friends, to the number uv perhaps thirty. I rejoist when I saw em. There wuzent a whole pair uv pants in the party, and a more gorgeous assortment uv noses eyes never rested onto. Every man uv em wuz a staunch Dimo- krat, and ez' they looked at them freshly tapped barrels, they swore eternal love for me. Uv course I invited them to take a drink, wich invitashen wuz responded to with alacrity. Mj' friends, the Aldermen, immejitly insisted that the party drink with them. Joyfully I sot out the tumblers, the Alder- men drinkin out uv tin cups, with the remark that they wuzn't proud. The cup held more'n three tumblers. Immejitly one uv the gentlemen who wuz connected with the city govern- ment remarkt, " Set em up ! " wich I did, they insistin that T drink with em every time. Then one uv the friends insistid that it wuz his time ; then another, and another, and another. By this time I wuz off my balence. Bascom bed not watered the whiskey, supposin I knew enufF about keepin bar to do it, and I hed not done it, sposin that he had done it. In my frenzy I invited' all uv em to take suthin, and then the rest seemes to me like a horrid dream. I remembered frantically insistin on everybody drinkin with me ; I remember the crowd kept growin bigger and bigger ; the Aldermen and two uv the 554 THE ENDING. gentlemen connected with the city government vaulted behind the bar, and actid ez dispensers, I hevin rolled conveniently under the bar, and then conshusnis left me. ***** I awoke in the mornin — I alluz do — but wat an awakenin ! The doors wuz open ; there wuz not a drop of likker in the house ; the friends, the Aldermen, and the gentlemen connectid with the city government, hed stolen the tumblers, the barrils, and all the moveables in the institooshen ; it wuz ez bare ez the Treasury wuz after Bookannan retired from offis ! They hed even stolen the sign over the door and the stove out uv the room, my boots, hat, and coat. Ez a matter of course I coodn't start agin. I not only had no whiskey, but I hed nothin to pour it out into. I wuz bustid. My openin wuz altogether too gorgeous. It wood hev ansered hed I possessed the capital to start agin, but that I lacked. Agin I wuz floored for want uv means. Agin my impecuni- osity prevented me from makin a rise in the world. How long, oh, how long, shel I be thus hampered ! I shel never divulge how I got back to the Corners. I shel never wring the public buzzum with a narrashen uv the trials and troubles uv that long walk ! I shel never recount how I wuz ignominously tumbled off uv cars ; how I hed to gobble at free lunches, et setry. Suffise it to say I got home at last. But I shel not stay here. My faiiyoor in Noo York shel not deter me. I shel go back there. With sich a constittooency at one's back, and so much wealth to tax, it must be a good field for me. I shel try it agin. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). A DISCUSSION. 555 CLXXI. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS CONSIDER THE QUESTION OF BREAD AND BUTTER. Post Offis, Confedeit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 13, 1869. The question " Wat kin I do with myself? " is not solved. My return from Noo York so ignomiously, on foot, wuz a seri- ous disappointment to my friends at the Corners. They felt when I left em that they had me fixed for life, and their sorrer at my ontimely return wuz genuine. Bascom, ez soon ez he saw me enter his bar, weary and foot-sore, remarked, with a profane ejaculashen, that I'd be his. rooin yet. I am a man uv ackshun. To-wunst I called a meetin uv my friends to consider the situashen, and to arrange for another ven,cher. I remarkt to em that I had not lost faith in Noo York; that I wuz certin that that wuz my field. I proposed that another outfit shood be furnished me, the same ez before, and that I shood hev one more trial. But the}' unanimously declined, feelin that I hedn't sufEshent control uv my own appetite for a grocery keeper, and that investments in that direcshun wood be a waste uv capital which the Corners cood not afford. Various methods uv makin a livin were sejested, but none met my approval. One wood sejest this thing in San Fran- cisco ; another in Alaska ; and each one wood swear that every one wuz the very thing. Their readiness to agree, and the numerousnis uv the miles the places wuz away, satisfied me that distance was the main pint with em. That misable wretch, Joe Bigler, happened in at a moment when they wuz a discussin the feasibility uv a. conductership on a street railfoad in Noo Orleans, — ez tho the directors uv the companies hadn't all got dissipated nephews to fill sich responsilble places, — when he remarkt that the obtoosenis uv humanity wuz one uv the wonders uv the nineteenth century. " Make uv him," sed Josef, " a Dimokratic organ grinder, saw off his rite leg, dress him in bloo, git him an instrooment 55G JOE BIGfLEE'S SUGGESTIONS. wich will play ' Dixie,' the ' Bonnie Bloc Flag,' and sicb toons, and plant him on the side walks uv Louisville, Noo York, or any other Dimekratic city, and his fbrchoon is made." " But why dress me in bloo ? Why not in gray, ef I play Confedrit toons ? " " Innocense ! Didn't the Diraocrisy always wear hloo while they wuz whistlin Confedrit toons ? Even in the North they don't object to a bloo coat, so that they know that there's a Confedrit heart under it ? " " But," replied I, " I wuzn't a soljer ; wich is, only ez a draftid man, and then only for a short time." "That don't matter," remarkt Josef; "no more wuz the heft uv Dimocrisy. The bulk uv em wich served, did so as draftid men. But that circumstance is in yoor favor. The regler organ grinders, them wich wuz volunteers, put onto a placard wich hangs onto their iustrooment words to tliis effect : — " ' Enlisted July 10, 1862 — shot thro the leg at Anteetam.' " Yoo kin put onto yourn this proud inscripshen : — " ' Draftid September 6, 1863 — desertid September 30, 1863 ; lost rite leg in an encounter with Provost Marshels, October 10, 1863.' " Sich an inscripshen wood melt the heart uv everj' Dim- okratic passer-by, and they'd fill your cigar-box with coppers. Wich uv em cood resist such an appeal ? Think uv wat a harvest yoo'd reap in Louisville when Breckinridge comes home, and in Frankfort when he is inoggeratid Governor of Kentucky ! It's the dodge for yoo, Parson." I thot the matter over for a minnit, and it pleased me. The life uv an organ grinder is by no means to be despised. It's a dreamy, poetical, contemplative sort uv eggistence. Ez tlier ain't no manyool labor in it beyond the mere turnin uv a crank, I am satisfied that it wood soot me. Then one sees so much uv life. Constantly before yoo is a ever changin panorama ; yoo see humanity in all its phases ; and when nite comes how sweet the rest, how inspirin the likker, wich yoo hev honestly earned by yoor manly exertions ! " Is it neccessary that I shel hev a leg ampitatid ?" askt I. " Certainly ! " replied Josef. AN OBSTACLE. 557 " Then I decline ! " sed I. " Aside from the pain, I hev regard for them legs. They saved my life in all the skirmishes I wuz in doorin my breef term uv servis ez a drafted man in '63. I will not pai't with one uv em." " This is triflen with your friends, sir ! " ejaculatid Bascom. " Yoo hev the way opened for a honist livin, and yoo refoose to walk ye into it. This cannot be permitted." " It cannot be permitted ! " ekkoed McPelter, Pennibacker, and the rest uv em. " Joseph, hev yoo suflSshent skill to ampetate a limb ? " askt Bascom. '^ hev," replied Joseph, " ef yoo will furnish me a carvin 'knife and handsaw. I've seen it done in Confedrit hospitals. Troo, the victims didn't most alluz survive. Ef yoo do stand it. Parson, think uv the glorious life organ-grindin is ; ef yoo die under it, console yourself by thinkin how much organ-grindin yoo've escaped ! Bring the knife and saw, and somebody twist a handkercher about his leg." And forthwith they ceazed me, throwd me onto the bar, and tied me there, and brot a dull knife and handsaw, and that cuss wood hev hackt into my leg hed it not bin for Deekin Pogram. "Joseph Bigler ! " sed this more than sainf, " trooly tell us the chances uv his survivin this operashen?" " About one in a thousand, I shood say ; and that's why I am so anxious to commence ! " promptly replied Joseph, sharpnin the knife vishusly onto the sole uv his boot. " Then let him up ! " ejaculated the Deekin hastilj'^ ; " let him up. He owes me thirty-seven dollars, with interest, sence the second day of his arrival in this place, wich he borrered. Ef he dies its gone ; ef he lives he may strike suthin that'll enable him to pay it." " Slash away, Bigler ! " remarkt Bascom, vishusly ; " he owes me seven hundred dollars for drinks sence he's bin here, and ef he lives he'll double it in a year." There wuz an animatid discussion, ez to whether he sliood go on or stay his eager hand. Fortunately I owed every one uv the bystanders, and wat wuz more fortunate, the most uv em wuz better fixed than Bascom. The heft uv my indebted- 558 ■ A NEW BUSINESS. ness to the others wnz for borrered money, clothin, and sicli things wich a man kin git along without. Bascom knows that ez long ez I live I must hev his goods, money or no money ; and hence his desire to see. me either git luc^rative erapdoymenl or die. But the majority wuz agin him ; he yeelded, and I wuz saved. Thank Heaven for debt. Hed 1 bin less hefty on the borrer, I wood now be a oold corpse. 1 must git out uv this ez soon ez possible. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLXXII. MR. NASBY FINDS A NEW BUSINESS WHICH PROMISES AMPLE PROFITS. Post Ofpis, Confedrit X Roads, ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentuoky), >■ January 20, 18G9. ) I HEV it at last ! I see a lite ! A grate lite ! a brite lite ! I shall not go to Noo York, nor shall I be forced to leave the Cor- ners, at least permanently. I hev at last struck ile ! I shel live like a gentleman ; I shel pay for my likker, and be on an ekal footin with other men. Bascom, whose smile is happiness, but whose frown is death, will smile onto me wunst more. To Miss Soosan Murphy I owe my present happiness. The minnit I notist that she hed put in a claim agin the Govern- ment for property yoosed doorin the war by Fedral soljery, I to-wunst saw where my finanshel salvaslien wuz. Immejitly I histed my shingle ez a agent to prossekoot claims agin the Government for property destroyed or yoosed doorin the late onpleasantnis, by Fedral troops. That shingle hedn't bin out A Miss Susan Murphy filed a claim against the Government, in 1869, for property destroyed by the Federal armies. Had it been allowed, every rebel in the South would have followed her example promptly. A PROSPEROUS BEGINNING. S59 an hour before Joe Bigler bed red it to half the citizens uv the Corners, and in two hours I lied biznis on my hands, and money in my pockets. Ez a matter uv course, I insisted upon a retainin fee uv ten dollars in each case. Issaker Gavitt and his two younger brothers wuz the first clients I hed. Their case is one uv pekoolyer hardship, and I feel ashoored that Congris will to-wunst afford em the releef they ask. The property destroyed wuz a barn and its' contents, wich wuz destroyed by Buel in the second yeer uv the war; that is, the contents wood hev bin destroyed only they wuzn't in the barn, ez they hed bin sold jist previously to the Con- fedracy. But ez the Elder, peace to his ashes, took Confedrit munny for sed contents, wich munny he, in a moment uv en- thoosiasm,»invested in Confedrit bonds, wich finally got to be worth nothin, we put in a claim for the valyoo uv the contents ez well ez uv the barn. Bein 70 years uv age when the war broke out, he did not volunteer in the Confedrit service, and consequently never fired a shot at the Old Flag. His two youngest sons did, it is troo, but .the Elder can't be held responsible for them boys. The estate is entitled to damage jist the same ez tho the Eider wuz alive. Elder Pennibacker hez also claims to a considerable amount, wich is for fences, crops, barns, and sich, destroyed by Fedral armies. The Elder is not quite certain but that the fences wuz destroyed by order uv a Confedrit General, wich wuz retreetin, and it is possible that the crops, barns, and sich, wuz yoosed up at the same time. It wuz doorin the war, at any rate, and ez the Fedral Government wuz, in his opinyun, to blame for the war, wich never wood hev bin carried on hed it yeelded ez it ought to hev done, why the Fedral Government ought to pay all these losses. Uv course I shan't put all the Elder's talk into the petishpn. Miss Jane McGrath's case, wich is the one I shel push the hardest, is one wich, ef Congris does not consider favorably, it will show that Congris hez no bowels. Miss McGrath is a woman. TJv course doorin the war she wuz loyal, ez she understood loyalty. She beleeved in her State. She hed two brothers wich went into the Confedrit servis, and she gave em both horses. But wood any sister let her brother go afoot? 560 A HISTORY OP THE CLAIMS. Them horses must be set down to the credit uv her sisterly affeckshun. It will be showed, 1 make no doubt, that when her oldest brother's regiment (he wuz a Colonel) left for the seat uv war, that Miss McGrath presented to it a soot uv colors wich she made with her own hands, wich soot included a black flag with skull and cross-bones onto it. Sposin she did ? It wuz loyalty to wat she considered her State. And the fact that doorin the war she rode twelv.e miles to inform a Confedrit officer that four Fedral soljers wich hed escaped from Anderson- ville wuz hid in her barn,' shood not operate agin her. Onto her piano ther wuz a choice collection uv Southern songs, and ther is a rumor, that in Louisville wunst she did spit in the face uv a Fedral offiser ; but wat uv that ? Is a great Govern- ment goin to inquire closely into sich trifles ? Miss- McGrath give me the names uv three Fedral Generals who campt on her place doorin the last year uv the war, wich wood certify to her loyalty, wich, ef they didn't, wood show that there wuzn't any gratitood in humanity. Deekin Pogram hez uv course a claim. The Deekin's horses wuz all taken b3^a Fedral offiser, wich wuz the more agravatin, ez the Deekin lied, in addishen to his own, jist bought 25, wich he wuz to hev delivered to General Morgan, nv the Confedracy, the next day, who wuz to hev paid for em in gold. They were gobbled. For these horses the Deekin claims payment. He wuz, doorin the war, strictly nootral. Kentucky did not secede, neither did the Deekin. His boys went into the Confedrit service, and on several occasions he mite hev cleaned his trusty rifle and gone out at nite to git a crack at Fedral pickets. Habit is strong, aijid ez ther were no schoolmasters to shoot, the Deekin must shoot somethin. He considered the war a great misforchoon. and many a time hez the old patriark, with teers streemin down his cheeks, exclaimed, '• Why won't Linkin withdraw his troops and let us alone ? " He hez bin since the close uv the struggle a hankerin arter Peece. " Let us hev Peece ! " is his cry. " Give me back my niggers ; let me hev things ez they wunce wuz, and I shel be soothed into quietood." He voted for Micklellan in 1864, and for Seymour in 1868, but that uv course won't count agin hirii in the matter uv the claim. The minnit he decided to put in the claim he ANOTHER OUTRAGE. 561 withdrew from the Ku-Klux, uv wich associashun he hez bin chief for this seckshun. He's sorry now that he shot any niggers since the close of the war. He is an inoffensive old man, whose pathway to the tomb needs' soothin. The horses he lost he counts worth $10,000, and he uv course wants remuneration to the amount uv $10,000 more for the anguish he suffered seein uv em go. Almost every white citizen uv the Corners bez a claim, uv wich I shel hev the prosekootin ; that is them wich kin raise the retainin fee. Some hundred or more who never bed any- thing before or doorin the war, and who are in the same con- dishen now, hev put in claims for sums rangin from $10,000 to $20,000, offerin me the half I git. 1 may take em. They kin swear to each other's loyalty, wich will redoose the cost uv evidence to a mere nominal sum. I shel hie me to Washinton and get Mrs. Cobb to take hold with me, giving her a share. Ef she succeeds with Congris ez well ez she did with the President, the result will be all that I kin desire. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLXXIII. THE LAST OUTRAGE UPON KENTUCKY. — PASSAGE OF THE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT BY THE HOUSE. I i Post Ofpis, Confedrit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky, 1- February 7, 1869. ) The die is mostly cast — gloom hez settled like a dark pall onto Kentucky. The last vestige uv Constitooshnel liberty is swept away, leavin us nothin but the name thereof, wich is holler mockery. Ef the Senit goes on and concurs with the House, — wich it will do, — and the rekisit number of States ratify the ackshen of them two accussid bodies, — wich they 36 562 A PLEASANT PICTURE. will do, — why, then all is over. Nip^gers will vote in Ken- tucky' the same ez white men, and the star uv liberty is sot forever ! They may go so far, ez they will be in a majority, ez to disfranchise the brave men who served in the Confedrit army. Ez might liev bin expectid, the intelligence affectid the Cor- ners profoundly. We wuz all a settin in at Bascom's ez happy ez we cood be. A new barrel hed bin tapped. Deekin Po- gram had money, and I wuz not altogether unprovided, ez a letter hed bin dropped into the Post OflBs that mornin wich contained a remittance uv six dollars to a lottery concern in Noo York. Ez I beleeve lotteries to be swindles, and demoral- izin in tlieir nacher, I opened the missive and confiscatid the contents. 1 will never be the means uv leadin young men to rooin thro tlie agency of lottries — never. It wuz a pleasant scene. The fire wuz a burnin brightly, wich reflectin on our respective noses, gave the room a more than usual briteness ; Bascom wuz behint the bar, his elbows leanin onto it, waitin for the orders wich he knew wood be made ; Captain McPelter wuz a smokin his pipe, peacefly, a watchin the clouds that ariz, formin a sort uv halo about his head ; while Deekin Pogram and myself wuz just in the act uv takin suthin hot wich hed bin fixed for us. At this moment Pennibacker's boy rode up on Bascom's mule and hove a paper at me wich contained the fatal intelligence. I read it aloud. There wuz no more innocent mirth thatnite. Deekin Pogram's hand relaxed its holt onto the glass and it fell to the floor, the precious flooid wastin itself thro the cracks, and the old Saint fell from his chair in a swoon'. I hed more pi-esence uv mind — I drank mine with one convulsive gulp, and then dropped the empty glass. The eflecK, so far ez manifestin greef wuz concerned, wuz the same ez tho I hed dropped it, likker and all, and it wuz better for me. The glass wuz Bascom's — the sensashen in my bowels perdoosed by the likker wuz mine. Tliat, even constitooshnel amendments can't take away from me. It didn't take long to figger how this outrage, ef it is con- summatid, will effect the Corners. Ther ia in this peeceful township sixty -three loyal white voters, uv wich number thirty- HOW IT WAS. 563 nine vindicated their manhood in the Confedrit servis, the others bein. too old, ceptin Pollocic, wich is from Illinoy, and uv Ablishen proclivities. Garrettstown is in this township, and countin them in, ther is two hundred and forty-four adult male niggers, and ther wood hev bin a hundred more had nig- gers all bin born bullet and rope proof So king ez these nig- gers wuz in their normal condishen uv servitood they wuz indispensable sence they wuz crooelly wrested from us, we hev made em a most ez yo'oseful to us by hevin the law into our own hands. They hev, ez a rool, accumulated suthiii, for they labor. We uv course held the offises. Issaker Gavitt is Assessor, and Deekin Pogram Treasurer, and the niggers hev bin made to pay all the taxes that hev bin paid. Thej' cood- ent help theirselves, for the law hez terrors when weeldid by strong and willin hands, and the hands uv our offishels are both strong and willin. But for these niggers the township government wood be a mere nothin. Issaker didn't dare to assess Bascom for fear he'd stop supplies onto him, nor wood Bascom hev anj'^ uv the white citizens taxed, for watever they shood pay in"taxe8, that went either into the County or State Treasury, wuz so much lost to him. He wuz anxious to hev the niggers sweat, for uv the money coUectid uv them he got a large per cent., either through the Collector or Treasurer, wich wuz clear gain, ez they don't patronize him anyhow. In various other ways we hed em. Pennibacker is Justis uv the Peece, and hez bin for yeers, and he' held the scales firmly. The niggers wood occasionally labor in plantin time or in harvest for the white citizens who owned land, and, filled with the idea that they wuz free citizens, they wood, in the most insolent manner, demand pay for their services. Uv course they wood be refoosed, whereupon they wood bring soot before Pennibacker. The result uv their venchur it is onnecessary for me to state. " What biznis hez a nigger in this yer court?" wood the in- dignant embodiment uv the majesty uv the law thunder forth, with a face as black as a cloud. And dismissin the soot, he wood promptly ishoo an execooshen agin em for costs. Ten or twenty niggers who sood white men wuz sold out, bob and 564 HOW IT WILL BE. sinker, by the court for costs in sich soots, and when the costs didn't take all they hed, the Justis wood fine em for contempt uv court for comin before him at all. The niggers, after a few experiments, declined to seek justis at that fountain-head nv the article. Then agin in case uv assault and battery, and inquests on the ded bodies uv niggers, it wuz nessary to hev Pennibacker Justis. Niggers wich wuz found ded hanging on a tree, and Vvitli bullet holes into em, wuz reglerly found guilty uv dyin by visitation uv Providence. Ez thej' hedn't votes, uv course none uv the ofEshels wuz afraid uv em. I heard one uv em, wunst, who hed bin fined twenty dollars for striking Issaker Gavitt, wich hed in a playful mood chased his daughter thro the Corners, groaninly exclaim that he wisht he'd bin born in Ireland instid uv Ameriky. But now how will it be with us ? They will vote, and they hev a majority. Pollock will be made Justis uv the Peace, Joe Bigler Assessor, and a nigger constable. Wat sekoority hev we ? Niggers will soo us and git judgment, and the nigger constable will serve execooshens onto us. Why, Deekin Po- gram owes enuff to niggers to swamp every aker he holds, and Bascom wood sweat severely. And when we punch one uv their heads for insolence to us, then to be arrestid by a nig- ger, and taken afore a Justis elected by niggers, and be fined or perchance imprisoned ! It's too much. When this happens, will the Corners, I ask, be a place for gentlemen uv pride and culcher ? Nay. And to this it must come. I see one weak spot in the amendment, viz. . It provides that no State shel disfranchise anybody becoz of race or color, but don't say that people can't be disfranchised for other causes, and I eagerly seezed hold uv that ez a shipwreckt mariner does to a plank. " Wat good will that do us ? " groaned the Deekin. " Why, we kin disfranchise em on the skore of ignorance !' remarked I ; " the niggers can't all read ? " " No more kin I," replied Isaaker Gavitt, mournfully. '' I'd be cut out with em." And upon givin the matter matoor reflection, I saw tkat ther wuz no bottom to that hope. By makin readin a test, the THE END OF JOHNSON. 565 sooperior class at the Corners wood be more hurt than the in- ferior class. Thank Heaven, ten States kin block this game, and save us this torment. O, that they n:ay do it ! 0, that Ihat bitter draft may be spared us ! May the Dimocrisy uv tlie North put forth their strength, and save us this last degradntion. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich means Postmaster). CLXXIV. THE LAST CABINET MEETING. — THE END OP THE JOHNSON REIGN. Washington, D. C, March 5, 1869. The agony is over ! A. Johnson, spurned by an ungrateful people, wich didn't deserve so sweet a boon, is wunst more a privit citizen, and uv no more account than I am — not ez much, for I am still a Postmaster. Ez I wuz in at the birth uv the Johnson party, so it wuz my painful dooty to be in at the death. I wuz present at the first and the last uv its Cabinet meetins. The first wuz an eggsiler- atin scene ; the last the most mournful I ever witnist. At the first we startid out with high hopes ; fresh in our offisis, with a.Treasury to draw on wich seemed to us to hev no bot- tom, and with sich men ez Raymond, Weed, et al., to give us character, and the voices uv the tliousands uv patriots, wich wantid offis, biddin us God-speed ; at the last there wuz left only those who hed become so fixed that they couldn't ge]t away, and every one uv em conshus that the next day at 1 2 M. they wuz forever lost. The harlot commencin her career with vouth, beauty, strength, and store . clothes, is one thing : tlie same bein holler-eyed, sunken-cheeked, dirty, and drabbled, turned out to die on a dunghill, ain't so -pleasant to look at. The meetin wuz held in the same old room, in wich I hev seen more weepin than ever fell to the lot uv one man. (The 566 THE CALM PRESIDENT. administrashun uv A. Johnson will be known in histry ez the moist Administration.) It wuz in this room that we decided to veto the Freedman's Buro and Civil Rites Bill, and all the other acts uv the 39tli and 40th Congress ; it wuz in this room that we received the news uv the eleckshens uv 1866, '67, and '68 ; it wuz in this room that the Philadelphia Convenshen wuz determined upon, and the tetchin march uv Couch and Orr, arm in arm, up the aisle wuz arranged, the President writin at the same time his little speech, in wich he mentioned the fact that ez he read the account thereof he couldn't restrain his emoshun, but bustid into a flood uv teers ; it wuz in this room that the spontaneous triboots uv respeck toward His Eggslency at various times and places wuz arranged, and the details thereof fixed up ; in short, it wuz in this room that all the acts wich gild the memry uv the late administrashen wuz decided upon and evenchually wept over. Ez I entered it, for the last time probably, I bust into teers on the threshold, and jined the other weepers who bed bin distilin briny grief for some hours. Indeed, so long bed they bin weepin that one friend uv the President, who hed a Kentucky countenance, howled piteously for some liquid to replace that wich he hed lost. A bottle wuz handed him, and he wept no more. I tried it to strengthen me agin the waste that I knowd must ensoo. Ingratitood is not my failure. Till A. Johnson gits back to Tennessee my eyes shall not be dry. The President wuz terribly calm and composed. " Weep ! my friends ! " sed he, " weep. I can't blame you, for you are about to be deprived of me ! But in this tryin hour I will be calm. I hev swung around the entire circle uv ofEshel honor. I hev bin — " At this pint his voice trembled and his eyes wuz suffoosed. " But, no ! I will be myself Sekretary Seward, is there any more acts uv an unconstitutional Congress to veto ? " " No — pockitin uv em ansers the purpose." " Is there anybody to pardon ? " " No one — but stay. Now that I think uv it, two counter- feiters, one whisky speculator, a Confedrit officer or two, and wat's left uv the assassination party, still linger in Basteels or in exile." THE LEAVE TAKING. 567 •' I must finish my work. Hand me them blank pardons 1 " He wrote with a firm hand, a fillin uv em out, wich only took a second, ez he hez blanks printed for a;ll the various offences man kia be guilty uv. " Now then my dooties is accomplished, and I cheerfly resine the power wich I wood hev laid down long ago but for the sake uv my bleedin country. I wood hev saved my native land — Enough. Admit our friends." Mayor Munro, uv Noo Orleans, Mrs. Cobb, a score or more uv Confedrit officers, and a flood uv unforchenet men who bed bin accoosed uv tamperin with an unconstooshnel currency, and a hundred, more or less, uv Federal offis-holders, filed in and shook the President corjelly by the hand, dropin a silent, elokent teer ez they passed. There wuz, in addishen to these, several hundred poor wretches who bed bin layin about Wash- ington for months waitin for posishens, but who hedn't got em. They hed no monej' to get home with, and they insisted that the President must and shood furnish em means. One uv em demanded uv Randall $500, but that great man finally got rid uv him by loanin him a clean shirt and a box uv paper collars. The man wuz deprest, though still hopeful. " This," sed he, wavin the shirt in air, '• this is all I hev to start on agin ; when I embarkt into Johnsouism my friends fell off. In remorse I took to likker, and step by step went down till I became the loathsome objick yoo behold. But I ehel now reform, and try to be somebody. Disguised in this shirt I may inspire confidence and find a holpin hand. But don't none uv yoo speek to me on the street." Ez I saw him the next evenin, in a state uv hilarity, hangin to a lamp-post, repeatin porshens uv the late President's fare- well address to passers by without any clean shirt on. I judged remorse hed overcome him again, and that the clean shirt hed bin pawned, poor fellow ! ^ Then come the most saddest scene uv all. The President hed to bid adoo to his Cabinet. " My tried and trustid friends," he commenced, when Randall broke in with the onfeelin remark, that he'd better say " trustid friends " without the " tried." 568 THE CABINET. " My liege, ' your tried friends ' wiiz in the gang uv counter- feiters which jist left the presence. They wuz not only tried, but convicted." Sekretary Seward wuz vizably effected. That afternoon he had heerd uv an Island for sale, the principal volcano on wich hed mostly stopped gushin, and he wept to think he hedn't time to complete negociashens for it. It wuz offered for $20,000,000, and he considered the price a mere bagatelle. Sekretary Welles wuz the only cheerful one in the party. He hed no idea that he avuz to stop bein Sekretar}' uv the Navy; he expectid to go along ez tho nothin hed happened. Seward and Randall hed bin tryin for an hour to make him comprehend the sitooashen — that tber wuz to be a change — but to no purpose. He coodent get it thro him. I undertook to impress it onto his intelleck, but my efforts wuz futile. Huggin to his buzzum a model uv a Erie canal boat wich he had determined to re-model into a revenoo cutter, he kept on sayin, " Why — why shood I go out ? I wuz under Linkin and then Johnson. There ain't no more difference between Linkin and Johnson than there is between Johnson and Giant — is there ? I agreed with Linkin and with Johnson, and I shel agree with Grant, doubtless. Why shood I differ with Grant ? " Randall smiled a sardonicle smile at the aged infant, and remarkin that he (Randall) hed hed a good time uv it anyhow, the recolleckshen whereof the d — d Abolishnists coodent rob him uv, shook hands with A. J-, addin that he didn't bear him any ill will. *' I'm a rooined man," continyood Randall, " but I'm ez much to blame ez yoo are. I shel go into histry coupled with yoo. My bloomin boys, when they arrive at man's estate, will apply to the Legislaohers uv their respective States to hev their names changed to suthin else. I'm young, and can't die in a few yeers, ez Welles kin, and must therefore drag out a longer eggsistance, but I don't blame yoo. I went into it, takin the chances, and I stand the hazzard uv the die. I shel serve the ambishus youth uv this country ez an Awful Eggsample." But little remained to be done. Randall and Johnson ar- ranged to hev Welles absent from Washington for the week WHAT THEY WILL DO. 569 follovvin tbe inaugurashen, knowin that otherwise he'd hev to be carried out uv the Department by force. They appiutid a committee uv Connecticut men to keep him busy till after his successor wuz installed, and shakin hands all around, each sheddin a manly tear, the last Cabinet meeting uv A. Johnson's administration passed into histry, Uv the inauguration uv Grant the next day, I hev not the heart to write. Suffice it to say that niggers participatid in it. Niggers wuz on the sfdewalks, not ez in the olden time, humble and meek, but in chairs, waitin to see the procession pass, amoosin theirselves the while readin noospapers. Deekin Pogram, who wuz with me, called my attenshen to this, askin ef it wuz possible for a Kentuckian whose eyes beheld sich a site to hev any further faith in republikin in- stooshens ? The old saint shuddered visibly ez a nigger in a dress coat, plug hat, and shiny boots passed us, nearly knockin us into the gutter in their haste, his wife onto liis arm, dressed in the heighth uv fashion, with a panyer. He smiled feebly and in a bewildered way, but sed nothin. The tite uv a nigger regiment marchin in the perceshun finished the Deekin. He grew so faint that I hed to take him to his lodgins. He left the same evenin for the Corners. The members uv the late Administrashen hev not decided wat to do. Browning will probably go into a claim agenc3'^ in Noo York. Randall remarkt that ef Sammy Cox and Jack Rogers cood succeed in Noo York, he thot he cood. Mrs. Cobb will go to Noo York, and probably the pardon brokers, lobby, ists, and sich, will do likewise. A dozen or two Faro banks packed up to-nite, and others will speedily follow em. In con- sekence uv this breakin up in the Administrashen and its supporters, the poleece force uv Washington hez bin already lessened. I shel accompany the late President to Tennessee, and take my leave uv him then. He will want some faithful friends to console him on that dreary passage, and who so fit for the offis ez the undersined ? I shel see him entombed in Greenville, and then sadly turn my steps to Kentucky and await tiie ishoo uv evence. I shel uv course be turned out uv offis, and wat will follow I know not. A. J. may conclood to stump Tennessee 570 AN lEISH PROCESSION. for the governorship, ez Brownlow hez the paralysis ; if so, 1 shel go to his rescue. I can't now go to Noo York, for that city will be overrun. With Browning, Randall, and the thou- sands who go out uv oflBs with them, in that city, wat chance wood there be for me ? Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster.) P. S. — The press, wich is now substdized, is animadvertin upon ex-President Johnson for not appearin at the inaugura- shen. His Eggslency preferred to avoid the display. " Let Grant start fair," he nobly said ; " 1 will not mortify him by giving the throng wich hez flocked here to pay triboots uv respeck for me an opportoonity to hurrah for me ez the perces- sion passes. I hev swung around the entire circle uv offishel honor, and kin afford to be magnanimous. Let him hev the entire credit uv wat enthoosiasm is manifested." Good any- thing be more noble ? P. V. N. OLXXV. ME. NASBY WITNESSES A PROCESSION OP THE SONS OP ERIN. Post Opfis, Conpeurit X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), C March 20, 1869. ) I HAPPENED to be in Albany, wich is in the State uv Noo York, on St. Patrick's Day, and wuz a gratified and pleased observer uv the percession in honor uv the patron saint uv the Green Isle. It wuz a gorgeous site, and one wich warmed my heart. There wuz men in cockt hats on horseback, with green sashes onto em; there wuz officers uv the various societies in carriages, with green sashes onto em ; there wuz the sturdy sons uv Erin on foot, with green sashes onto em, all walkin or ridin, serene in the knowledge uv the fact that, no matter what cussed macheens mite be invented for diggin on rail- THE ENTHUSIASM. 571 roads, or carryin brick and mortar to the tops uv buildins, none ,uv em sed macheens cood ever vote. Then the enthoosiasm uv the Dimocratic ofEs-hoIders uv Albany exceeded anythin I ever witnest. The Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher, and the state and county offishiis, wuz all in conspikuos posish- ens, the high ones bowin urbanely, and the low ones cheerin vociferously. I wuz at a winder uv the Delevan House, — at wich, ez I hed no baggage, I bed taken the precaution to pay in advance, for fear I mite, absent-mindedly, leave without payin my board, wich I did at the suggestion uv the gentle- manly and urbane clerk, — when I wuz roodly pusht aside by an impetuous gentleman. Noticin that he wuz a small man, I seized him, and demanded wat in blazes he meant by pushin me. " My dear sir," sed he, in agony, " please give me yoor place — do give me yoor place ! I am a candidate for alderman next spring ! " Pityin him, I yeelded, and in a minit he wuz a wavin a green flag from the winder, and shoutin '• Rah ! •' with all the venom that wuz in him. Ez I lookt at him and the other expectants, I cood not help thinkin wat a happiness it must be to be an Irishman in Ameriky. The next mornin I opened the paper, and read the account uv the banquet the previous eveuin. My respeck for the Celtic race increased largely ez I read. I learned from the speeches made at that banquet by invited Dimocratic guests who wuz present, and the letters from distinguished Dimo- erats who hed been invitid but who wuz not present, that the Irish not only diskivered Ameriky, but that they won the in- dependence uv the colonies, beat the British in 1812, carried on the Mexikin war, and finally, alone and unaided, put down the late onpleasantnis. One speeker, who expects to be May- or uv Albany, expresst it ez his beleef that the magnetic needle, gunpowder, and the telegraff wuz the invenshun uv Irishmen. The letters written by the leadiu Dimoci-ats uv the State, to be read at the banquet, tetched me. Governor Hoffman paid a fittin triboot to St. Patrick, and remarkt that it wuz the first time for years that he hed omitted to take some part in the celebrashen uv St. Patrick's Day, and the thought cut him to the quick. Champlain, the Attorney-General uv Noo York, remarkt that ez Irishmen hed- borne so honorable a part in 572 A DKEAM. everything that hez tended to increase the moral, intellectooal, and physikle strength uv the country, his sympathy twines closter and closter around em, and that he consekently shud- dered at the prospeckt uv any obstruction being placed in the way uv their bein made citizens ez fast ez possible. The other letters from distinguisht Noo Yorkers wuz mostly uv the same tenor. Ez I wuz readin this, and thinkin to myself how the leadin Dim- ocrats uv Noo York never forget that there's an eleckshen ahead, I fell asleep, and in that sleep I hed a most curious vision. Methawt I wuz set ahead twenty years. The fifteenth amendment lied bin passed, and the niggers wuz all voters. I wuz sittin by my winder in the Delevan House, when the sound uv brass moosic broke the fearful stillnis that yoosually pervades the streets uv that city. A percession hove in site, and, to my horror, they wuz niggers! There wuz niggers in cockt hats on horseback, niggers in carriages with banners, and niggers on foot. " Wat is this ? " askt I, in indignashen. " Why, it's a celebration uv the birthday uv St. Gumbo, the patron saint uv Afriky ! " remarkt a Dimocratic alderman, who stood beside me. " Hurrah ! Hurrah ! " shreeked he, pushin me asside, and bendin his head out uv the winder so ez to be seen, wavin vociferously a black flag, wieh I learned hed bin adopted ez the nashnel color uv the Afrikins in Ameriky. The enthoosiastic alderman wuz rewarded for his eggsertions with a grashus smile from a pekoolerly disgustin black nigger with a sash onto him, who wuz seeted in a baroosh. " Rah ! Rah ! " shouted the Dimocrisy from all the winders ez the percession filed by. Ez they wound their way up to the Capitol, I notist the entire buildin wuz decorated with black flags in honor uv the day, and to my disgust I wuz informed that the state officers wuz all Dimocrats. In my dream I picked up the Dimocratic papers the next morning, and read an account uv tire banquet that took place that evening. I notist some familyer names appended to ruther familyer-looking letters. Hoffman, who hed got to be a Senator, addrest the Chairman uv the Committee on Invitashens ez " Ceezer Squash, Esq. : LETTEES OP REGRET. 573 My deer sir " ! and remarkt that it wuz the first time for years that he'd not taken some part in the celebrashen uv " St. Gum- bo's Day," but biznis preventid. He regrettid deeply that he cood not be present and jine in the festivities. " Convey to the noble sons of Afrik}' present," he w,eni on to say, " my sense uv the honor conferred upon me, and ray ashoorance that ez my heart beats, it shel beat in yoonison with theirn. I rec- ognize the valyoo uv the Afrikin populashen to our common country, and yeeld to no one in admirashen uv their noble qualities. I am, sir, yoor most obedient servant." Smotherin my disgust at this performance, I read on. Champlain, who wuz by this time Governor uv Noo York, hevin receeved all the nigger votes, and wuz a candidate for re-elekshun, remarkt in his letter that offishel biznis prevented him from attendin. " It is most nateral," he remarkt, " for Amerikins to yoonite with Afrikins everywhere, and he felt it the more ez he thought uv the honorable part the Afrikins hed borne in all that hez tendid to increase the moral, intellectooal, and physikle strength uv our grow n country." The other letters and toasts were ez much like these ez two peas. They all expressed highest devoshen for the Afrikin race, and the most ardent admirashen for the Afrikin character. One enthoosiastic Dirr.ocrat, who was a candidate for Prison Inspector, or suthin, went so far ez to remark that he had a rite to be present, ez he wuz proud to say his grandmother, oi? his father's side, hed Afrikin blood in her veins, and out uv re- gard for her he hed named his two darlin children respectively Pompey and Phillis. He loved the Afrikin race, and wuz proud that he cood lay his hand on his heart and say, " I too am an Afrikin ! " Another lamentid that he cood not say he hed Afrikin blood in his veins, and Pernandy Wood, who still wantid to be Mayor uv Noo York, proposed the health uv the late Pred Douglas, to wich Jim Brooks respondid. John Morrissey proposed the memry uv Fred Douglas, and Ben Wood the health uv William Wells Brown. In lact so ardent wuz the admirashen uv the grate lites'iiv the Dimocrisy for the Afrikin, that, in my dream, I regretted that I hed not bin born in Afriky. 574 A CEOWNTNG DISGRACE. At this pint I woke, pleased at findin tliat wat I bed scon and read wuz all a dream, that the paper I held in my hand cortainedan account nv an Irish and not a nigger celebrashen, and that the names uv Hoffman and Champlain wuz appended to letters addressed to Irishmen onlj'. But I wuz sad after all. When the cussid amendment is a part of the soopreme law uv the Imd, and the niggers hev votes, will not these men court em and fondle em the same ez they do other men with ballots? thonght I. Will there not be then the same reason for slob- berin Pompey that there now is for slobberin Patrick ? Will not the ardent Dimocrat in pursoot uv votes forgil that he is nv the proud Caucashen race, and stoop to caress an inferior? I fear me I Petroleum V. Nasbt, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). CLXXVI. THE CORNERS OUTRAGED. Post Offis, Conpedkit X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), j * April 9, 1869. Ep the Dimocrisy uv the North arn't satisfied by this time that the ultimate intehshen uv the Ablishnists is to subjoogate em and redoose em to the level uv the nigger, the voice uv one risin from the dead woodn't avail nothin. Yesterday the last outrage wich a- cliivalrous people has been compelled to bear was perpetrated onto a citizen of the Corners. A Nigger IS NOW an offis-holder at the Corners ! I shel state the case calmly. The posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo for the Dees- trick uv wich the Corners is the centre, hez bin held by Cap- tain Hugh McPelter, late uv Morgan's cavalry, C. S. A. That he' hez filled the posishen to the satisfaction uv the citizens uv the Corners, no one denies. He is a distiller — in fact he and Elder Pennibacker run the two distilleries in the town, and A NIGGER ASSESSOR. 575 they hev did a thrivin biznis. McPelter wiiz Assessor, and Pennibacker Collector, and ez a consekenoe none uv the capi- tal uv the Corners hez bin substracted and carried to Wash- ington to feed the Ablishen theeves there. Ez no tax hez ever bin paid on the whiskey at this place, Bascom hez bin enabled to continyoo to sell it at five cents per drink, while everywhere else the regler price is ten and fifteen. There wuz other ad- vantages in havin^the Assessorship and Collectorship in their hands By simpl}' hintin to em that it wuz my dooty ez a Fedril offis-holder to investigate their modes uv doin the gov- ernment biznis, I hev not only bin the happy recipient uv, scores uv two gallon jngs, but I hev bin enabled at divers and sundry times to prokoor loans uv em uv various amounts, the lowest bein $1.75, and the highest reachin $20. This happy condishun uv affairs is bustid. Gabrel Babcock, a nigger — that is, a half nigger — formerly the property uv Deekin Pogram, and who looks enuff like the Deekin's oldest son, Jehiel, to be his half-brother, wuz last week appinted and confirmed Assessor in the place uv Captain McPelter, and im mejitelj' he entered onto the discharge uv his dooties. There are many feechers pekoolyerly aggravatin in the ap- pintment. To begin with, this Babcock wuz notoriously ob- noxyus to the Corners dooi'in the late onpleasantnis. At the beginnin thereof he run away from Deekin Pogram and entered the Pedral servis. He wuz partikerly activ and cussid. His knowledge uv tlie country made him yooseful to the Fedral offisers ez a guide and scout, and at least one Pedral' victory is chargeable direct to the information he brot. Then his wife wuz knowd to hev hid five Pedral soljers who hed escaped from Andersonville. When he finally fell into the hands uv Captain McPelter at Fort Pillow kin it be wondered at that he wuz left for dead ? or kin it be wondered at that the people uv the Corners wuz surprized when he appeared among em at the close uv the war with one leg off and one arm stiff? Not much. Captain McPelter wuzn't in the habit uv half doin his work, and the appearance uv this nigger who hed passed through his hands ruther astonished the captin. Doorin his absence he hed learned to read and write, and he wuz made a teecher in the Freedmen's Skool wich wuz es- 576 THE POWER HE WIELDED. tablisht in this place, and now he's Assessor, with Pollock on his bond. Ez a matter nv course we despair uv the republic. Wat freedom kin there be for us with a nigger in offishel posishen to tyranize over us ? Wat man uv culcher, uv ejucashen, uv refinement, kin afford to live in a community where a disgustin mulatto is made not only our ekal but our sooperior? Deekin Pogram said this indignant!}' to Joe Bigler, who im- mejitly askt the Deekin whether or not he didn't count Bab- cock's mother his ekal thirty j^ears ago ? Wich question, wich was askt in the presence uv the Deekin's wife, who hez a tem- per, wuz the occasion uv severe remarks between the worthy pair. Joe Bigler delites in openin old sores. The first act uv this Babcock in his offishl capassity wuz the shuttin up uv McPelter's and Pennibacker's distilleries, and Baseom's bar, on the skore that none uv em hed ever taken out licenses, or even paid any taxes. There wuz the most ter- rific ebulishn uv feelin at this act of tyranny that it hez ever bin my lot to witness. "Kill the d— d nigger!" " Hang the' black cuss ! " " Down with the Afrikin despot ! " Shoutid the infuriated citizins. With a refinement uv crooel- ty wich cood only be the offspring uv a most depraved and vishus mind, he shut up these places at seven o'clock in the mornin, before one uv the citizens hed hed his mornin bitters ! Hed he postponed it an hour we might hev fought it out, for some one else would hev prokoored a supply before noon, and things would hev gone on normal. But here wuz the entire populashen uv the Corners at 7 A. M., with throats like lime- kilns, and nary a drop to be hed for love or money. The skeem wuz well considered and successful. The citizens cood hold out bnt fifteen minits, and they surrendered. They gave bonds, to wich they all appended their marks, to indemnify the government for back taxes, and compelled Bascom to take out license. This done, the nigger, who wuz backt up by Bigler and Pollock, opened his doors, and the multitood surged in and wuz satisfied, '^o think uv a nigger holdin the destinies uv the Corners in his hands ! A BLIND GOVERNMENT. 577 Ez a matter uv course, Elder Pennibacker will follow next ; " indeed he wants to resign now, for, sez he, with the Assessor- ship in hostile hands uv wat avail is it to be Collector? " And then, how long will my head stay on my shoulders ? Is a nig- ger to take my place ! Already Bascom hez raised his price to 10 cts. per drink, and notified me that likker from this time out is cash, and already hez Pennibacker and McPelter re- foozed to lend me a cent ! My kingdom is crumblin. The eleckshen uv Grant wuz the wedge wich is rivin me from stem to stern. I shel be compelled to go hentz a broken man. Good Hevings, why coodn't I hev died while Johnson wuz still President! The blindness uv this present Adrainistrashen is trooly astonishen. Things wuz settlin rapidly at the Corners. Mc- Pelter wuz becomin pacified, and Deekin Pennibacker like- wise. They wuz not satisfied with the Government, nor did they approve uv anything it did, but they were passive. Now the old sores is opened. Now McPelter is breathin slaughter, and is for lettin slip the dorgs uv war. And wat hez Grant got in return? Why, a nigger who wuz already hi zzen, and the two whites at the Corners who voted for him last fall, and will agin, anyhow. General Grant evidently don't mean to pacify us — he ain't on the soothe, nor hez he a clear idea uv wat is needed to conciliate. I shel go next. There is to be a meetin held next week to protest agin these changes, but it won't avail nothin. We are all marked. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich means Postmaster). 37 578 THE CARPET-BAG QUESTION. CLX:5tVII. THE CORNERS HAVE A DISCUSSION AS TO THE MATTER OF CARPET-BAGGERS. Post Office, Confedrit X Koads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), V May 8, 1869. ) The presence uv Pollock, the Illino}' store-keeper, at the Corners, hez alluz bin a source uv uneasiness to the old set- tlers — the bloo blooded chivalry, who hev alluz bin born here, and who hev lived here from time immemorial. An Illinoyan by birth, an Ablislinist by perfesion, and a Storekeeper by practis, he hez, from liis originel advent here, bin an unmitiga- ted thorn in tlie side uv the Kentuckians wich live at the Cor- ners, wich thorn hez rankled and rankled, till it hez festered and finally broke. There are sevral reasons why he hez bin unpopler. He credited the citizens uv the Corners, on his first arrival, for sich goods ez they needed, and hed the impoodence to insist upon pay. Deekiu Pogram, in less than two months from the openin, wuz in his debt suthin over a hundred dollars, and the wretch not only insisted on payment, but abslootly sood him, and wood hev recovered the amount, hed Squire Gavitt, who wuz then Justis uv the Peace, ishooed papers. Findin that the officers uv the law uv the Corners wood not interfere in favor uv a disturber, he refoozed to sell another dollar's worth save for cash, and from that time he hez rigidl}' adliered to that rool. Ez he keeps the onl}' stock uv dry goods there is in the Corners, the citizens are obliged to paternize him, and they hev to pay. This iron hez bin entrin their soles for years, and finally it wuz decidid to hist him, and take the chances uv somebody else comin in his place. The ackshen uv citizens wuz hastened, bj' tlie fact that two friends uv liizzen wuz comin from his old home in Illinoy, to start a Wagon and a Cooper shop in the Corners, wich wuz an increase uv just that number uv carpet-baggers, besides wat hands they mite bring with em. This alarmed our citizens, and it wuz felt nessary to take JOE BIGLER INTERFERES. 579 steps to stop it. Accordin a meetin wuz called uv the natives, wich met last nite at the church. In assoomin the chair (I am ex-oiBsho chairman uv all meet- ins held at the Corners), I remarkt that the exigencis uv the times demanded that suthin be done. The peece and yoo- nanimity uv feelin uv the Corners coold not be disturbed by the influx of carpet-baggers. The trooly Southern sole wuz wrung, the Southern heart wuz bleedin, but there wuz a pint beyond wich the Southern sole and heart cood not go, and that pint wuz carpet-baggers. The Southern heart loathed the spawn of the North, and the chivelroiis Southern sole cood not and wood not bear to hev Northern agitators okkopyin their places and bringin with em their ijees, wich were alluz in opposishen to ourn. Ef sich wuz to be the case, farewell the sunny South and her instooshens. I ask in conclooshin for an expresion uv opinyun from the citizens assembled. To my consternashin, Joe Bigler riz, tho where he came from I can't say. He commenst by remarkin that attachment to one's native soil, and a desire to hold office in it, wuz one uv the highest and holiest instinks uv our fallen nachers. He cood and did sympathize with the chairman uv the meetin fully, and agreed with him in everything he had said. He did not beleeve that needy advencherers from the cold and frozen North shood come here and possess theirselves uv the soil to the excloosion uv them native and to the manor born. Never ! never ! never ! He hed a Southern heart and a Southern sole, and he wood never consent to be crowded out by them alien to us. He hed drawd up resolooshens, which he begged to submit, viz. : — Mesolved, That the native born citizens uv the Confedrit Cross Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, denounces ez disturbers, interlopers, and carpet-baggers, wich can't be toler- ated, all those within her borders wich wuz not born there. Resolved,, That when sich a person ez is contemplated in tho above resolution holds an offis or asks for one, his presence is pertikelerly unsufferable. Resolved, That we do towunst clean out uv the Corners all sich persons, quietly ef, possible, but by force ef needs be. The resolooshens struck the citizens favorably, and they 580 AN UNEXPECTED TURN. wuz about to pas8 om, Bigler's niggers uv course all votin for em, when an idee struck me. I saw the strategy uv the de- testable wretch to-wunst. It wuz me he wuz aimin at. I wuz the mark uv his infernal mashenashens. I remembered, for the first time in four years, that I wuz not a native uv Ken- tucky ; that I wuz a Northner, and that I had come to Ken- tucky an advencherer ! In agony I arose and protested, but too late ! The resolooshens passed yoonanimusly, and Joe Bigler stood grinuin at me like a feend. " Now," sed he, " now that I kin act by authority, now that I kin wunst more act in accordance with the wishes uv my fellow-citizens, from whom I hev bin so long unhappily separa- ted, 1 perpose to go for a carpet-bagger. Parson, your time hez come ! " And the wretch made for me vishusly, and bed me by the throte in less than a second. Immejitly Bascom, and Pennebacker, McPelter, and the rest interfered, and dragged the villin away. ^' Wat does this mean ? " they askt. " Why this assault? " " Why ? Isn't the Parson afore us a carpet-bagger ? " askt Bigler. " Wuz he born at the Corners ? Hez he a rite to stan on the soil uv Kentucky, and say, thank Hevin, I too am a Kentuckian ! Possibly I may hev misunderstood the tenor uv the resolushens wich I writ, and wich yoo passed. Ef so, forgive my zeal." " But, Josef," sed Deekin Pogram, " the Parson is not, ac- cordin to our idee, a carpet-bagger." " Too troo," said Bigler, in reply ; " he hed no carpet-bag when he came." " That isn't percisely wat I mean. The Parson is a Con- stooshnel Democrat. He agrees with us in sentiment, and — " " A lite breaks in onto me," remarkt Bigler. " I see a dis- tinkshen. We denounce men ez carpet-baggers and interlopers and sich, not becoz they are carpet baggers and interlopers, but becoz they don't interlope accordin to yoor noshens. The Parson isn't objectionable to the Corners, becoz the Parson kin punish ez much sod corn whiskey ez any uv yoo, and votes the Demokratic ticket with fearful regularity; Pollock is objectionable becoz he don't do these things, and happens to A DEFINITION. 581 be somewat Ablishen in his tendencies. Thank the Lord, 1 now understand wat a carpe.t-bagger is. Parson, I beg pardon for my violence, and I move this resolooshn ez a substitute for the one yoo so inconsiderately passed. " Resolved, That while the citizens uv tiie Corners bleeve in perfect freedom uv thot and speech, and desire it above all things, they nevertheless view with alarm the comin hither uv Northerners who are Republikins and won't patronize Bascom, and we pledge ourselves to bust the heads uv sich. " Resolved, That we bust the heads only uv disturbin carpet- baggers. " Resolved, That all Northern Republikins comin here is car- pet-baggers, and all Northern Dimokrats is not. " This," sed Josef, " makes the matter plaili to the dullest comprehension. Let em pass." I objected, but Bigler, stubborn ez a pair uv mules, insisted, and ez by this time the church wuz half iiill uv niggers, which he insisted shood vote, ez they wuz not only native born Ken- tuckians, but many uv em hed the best blood uv Kentucky runnin in their veins, it wuz passed over our heads, and the meetin adjourned, Bigler and Pollock, follered by their ad- herents, goin off in high glee. That cuss seems to take a delite in spilin everything that the rest uv us undertake to do. Ther's many short corners in Dimocrisy that must be ttirned skillfully, and it's awkward to hev a man like him bustin thro em like a bull in a china shop. But he can't live alluz. Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 582 THE LABOR MOVEMENT. CLXXVIII. MR. NASBY NUESES THE LABOR MOVEMENT AT THE CORNERS. Post Offis, Confedkit X Eoads f (wicli is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >- May 28, 1869. ) The agitashen uv the question uv niggers labrin with white men in Washington reached the Corners four weeks ago, and perdoost, ez mite hev bin expectid, most profound feelin. Our white artisans assembled to-wunst and passed resolooshens in sympathy with their brethren in Washington, and urgin uv em to hold out to the bitter end rather than compermise their dignity by lowerin themselves to the level uv the greasy Afri- ken. The meetin wuznt a large one, for we hev only five mechanics uv the hawty Caucashen race at the Corners, but it wuz enthoosiastic. Three uv the five hed bin at Bascom's four days, heviu bin jist paid off by a new-comer, for a house they hed repaired for him, and they wuz in a frame uv mind for most anything that wuz eggscitin. I directed the attenshun uv these men to the fact that a nig- ger plasterer wuz even at that time employed in plasterin a house between the Corners and Garrettstown, and I askt em ef they wuz content to lay still and see an inferior race take the bread out uv their mouths in that way ? I implored em, ez labrin men, to preserve the dignity uv labor. Shel niggers invade yoor okkepashens ? They wuznt none uv era plasterers, but they replied, " Never ! Never ! " and demanded, with the utmost promptitood, to be showd the wretch, that they mite go for him. But I restraned em till I hed organized em into a Free Labor Unjmn, which perhibited anybody from workin at anythin which didn't jine it, and wich perhibitid niggers from jinin it. This preliminary work accomplished, I remarkt, " Follow me I " They did it with alacrity. On reachin the house we halted, and there our eyes rested onto a site wich blarsted em. There wuz a nigger, a full- blooded nigger, with a cap onto him, and overalls, plasterin THE NIGGEE PLASTERER. 583 away, whistlin and singin (sometimes one, sometimes another, and then agin both to-wuust)" Methodist hymns. And ever and anon the unthiukin man of inferiority wood stop and exe- coot a breakdown, and laff to hisself, so that he could be heard a mile. The disgustin wretch displayed his grovelin nacher by drinkin water out uv a bucket wich he hed handy by him. We made short work uv it. We informed him that the laborers uv the Corners hed organized a Union, and that no one cood be permitted to work within its boundaries ceptin members thereof. " Berry well ! " remarkt the Afrikin cuss, calmly puttin on a dab uv mortar and smoothin it, " berry well ! I'll jine the Yoonyun." " But you can't. No nigger can be admitted." " Den I specks I shel hev to go on arid work widout bein a member. De ole woman and de babies must hab dar bread, yoo know." Sich insolence cood not, uv course, be tolerated. We hed stated the case to him calmly and dispassionately. We hed informed him uv the laws we hed made, and this wretch de- liberately defied us, by insistin that he sliood go on with his work ! Ther wuz but one course to take, and we took it. We snaked the platform out from under him ; we tore up his mortar bed ; we broke his trowel and other tools, and notified him ofiishelly that any attempt at resoomin work would result in lynchin uv him. The next day we found that the nigger hed in trooth quit plasterin, but hed found employment ez a striker in a black- smith shop. Uv course sich an outrage on the pure Caucashen employed in that shop, wich his name wuz O'TooIe, cood not be permitted, and ez O'Toole refoosed to work with him, he wuz discharged. The next day I notist him on the streets, rather pale and haggard than otherwise, carryin home a shin bone uv beef wich he hed bought. The next day after I ob- served that he lookt better, and I diskivered that he hed found employment at last on a turnpike road wich is bein built east uv the town. Issaker Gavitt and me, the two champions uv labor for this seckshun (ez we don't work we hev time to 584: HIS FATE. attend to it), sejested to the noble Celts employed on the job the hidjusnis uv compellin em to work on an ekality with a nigger, and they struck agiti it with the yoosual result. The nigger wuz discharged. He made but one or two more efforts. He undertook to git work at various places, but by this time it wuz well enuff knowd that the citizens uv the Corners wuz inflexibly opposed to the recognisin uv em in any capassity, and he yeelded. He got very thin, and pale, and haggard, and his large family likewise. It wuz evident that they wuznt feelia very well at home. Notis the nateral result of freedom ! He AB^LOOTLY BEGGED ! But UV course the Corners wood give nothin to a nigger. Then the instinktiv nateral cussidnens uv the nigger — the infernal depravity wich is inherent into all uv em — began to display itself. He demoralized rapidly, and in a week became a most disgustin objick. He stole chickens uv Deekin Pogram, leastways Deekin Pogram's chickens wuz missin, and who should hev stole em but this nigger ? He stole corn uv Elder Pennebacker, and wuz finally detected takin a ham from Bascom's smoke-houso. There wuz no doubt ez to his guilt ; he wuz taken in the act, with the fatal ham in his possession. He hed taken it home, and his wife wuz fryin large slices uv it. There cood be but one endin to sich a succession uv crimes. The citizens were too much incensed to await the uncertain ackshen uv the law, and they hung him at site. The Corners will never tolerate a nigger theef in their midst,'no how. • Uv course I improved the occasion. Ez his body wuz a swingin in the air, I askt our people to behold the fruits of Radicalism and Panatycism. That nigger wuz wunst the happy slave uv a happy owner ; there wuz ntween em a nateral re- lashen. The nigger workt, and his owner eat, and thus wuz fulfilled the entire dooties uv life. He wuz not hung then, for ne wuz worth too much money to hang. How hed it bin with him sense ? He demanded to be made a free man : he wuz made a free man, and here he is. I told em that there wuz no need uv sayin more ; that body a danglin in the air, wich its sole wuz a marchin on, wuz the most elokent sermon wich cood be preacht. The man whose house the nigger wuz a plasterin wuz in A COMMERCIAL CONVENTION. 585 town yesterday, tryiu to get Caucasliin plasterers to finish the job : but ez ther ain't none uv em here, he isn't succeedin very ■well. He probably won't get into liis new quarters this fall. I am not certain wot become uv his family. There wuz a nigger woman's bodj' pulled out uv the dam a day or two after- wards, wich somebody remarkt wuz the wife uv the deceast, and Captain McPelter remarkt that when he went to tlie cabin uv the deceest nigger to secoor his share of the furnitoor, tliut two leadin niggers from Garrettstown were notist raakin aiT with the children. But there's no tellin whether there's any trooth in these rumors or not. I think I shel go to Washington, and put myself at the head uv the aiiti-nigger lalioi- movemi nt now bein inogurated there. Petroleum V. Nasby, F. M. (wich is Postmaster). — ^-OS^^SE^^O-^ — ' CLXXIX. MR. NASBY AND HIS CONFRERES HOLD A COM- MERCIAL CONVENTION AT THE CORNERS. Post Orris, Confedrit X Roads \ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > June 3, 1869. ) Confedrit x Roads cannot be said to be, in the Northern sense of the term, a prosperous town. The fact is, its railroad facilities are not uv the best, the nearest one to us bein some twelve miles away, and its other roads are not so gorgious ez cood be desired. They are passable for wagons in Joon, July, and August ; for mules in April, May, September, and October: and the balance uv the time they mite possibly be navigated by flat boats, ef the citizens bed anything in pertikeler to leave the town for, or ef anybody pertikelerly desired to come to it. The citizens, now that they are onct agin in full akkord with the General Government, and bein thoroughly reconstructid, 586 THE DELEGATES AND OFFICERS. felt that they hed borne neglect uv their interests in silence ez long ez they cood be expected uv the impetuous Southern nacher ; and also, that the time hed come when the leadin cities uv the South shood make some effort to avail themselves uv the nateral advantages uv their position, and wrest from the North the full share uv the trade uv the Continent, to which they are entitled. We uv the Cross Roads felt that we hed too long acceptid a second rate commershel posishen, and we felt that we cood not endoor it longer. It wuz therefore re- solved to hold a coiiunershel convenshen at the Cross Roads, to take these matters into considerashen, with sich others as mite suggest therselves. Invitashens wuz sent to all the principal leaders uv the Southern masses, and uv em it wuz confidently expected that Breckinridge, Lee, and Boregard wood be present. The convenshen assembled on the day sot. It was one uv the largest and most enthoosiastic it hez ever been my lot to attend. There was delegates preserit from Secessionville, Davistown, Boregard, and all the towns in that section uv the State, representin the intelligence and wealth uv the real old Kentucky stock uv those localities. General McDingus, late C. S. A., uv Secessionville, wuz made President, with thirty-two Vice Presidents, wich comprised all the delegates present. This wuz done, ez all uv em seemed to want to be officers. General McDingus stated the object uv the convenshen to be the devisin uv means to increase the commercial importance of the section, to develop her resources, to increase her manu- fakterin interests, and to show the recooperative power the South possesses. Kentucky wants manufakters, Kentucky wants populashen, and to devise means uv gittin these is the objick uv our assemblin. He begged the members to com- mence to-wunst. Kernel McPelter, from the Committee on Invitashens, wuz about to perceed to read letters he hed received from promi- nent Southerners, when Captain Podgers, of Davistown, begged leave to offer a resolooshen. He saw sittin in the convenshen, with ez much ashoorence ez tho he hed a rite there, a wretch, with whose name he woodent sully his mouth, who hed come BLACK SHEEP. 587 from Massychoo — no, he woodent sully his mouth with the name uv that State — from a ablishn State, and hed startid in Davis- towu a factory for makin pig iron ! employin therein tliirty-five men, which hed bot a plantashen uv a distrest planter, and put thereon twenty houses, a skool-house, and a church ! He stig- matized this man ez a carpet-bagger. He hed been repeetedly warned by the citizens uv Davistown to leave, but he hed laflft at the waruin. On threatenin his factory, he hed armed his operatives with double-barrelled shot guns, and with those hed held the citizens at bay. This man hez strength enuff to keep up his factry, but he shel not sit in convenshen with Southern gentlemen. Major Bangum remarkt that at Boregard they hed a diiirent way uv meetin these difficulties. A carpet-bagger from Penn- sylvany undertook to start a store at Boregard, but we nipt it in the bud at the beginnin. We gave him twe/nty-fbur hours to leave, and he left. Hed Captain Podgers commenst in time, afore the evil took root, it cood hev bin eradicated. Deekin Pograra statid that an attempt hed bin made to plant a cotton factry on a Water-power at Confedrit X Roads, and give in detail the method adoptid to prevent it, both speeches bein receeved with cheers, which showd that tlie Southern heart wuz still ez Southern ez ever. Captain Podgers offered the foUowin resolooshen : — Resolved, That all carpet-baggers be requested to leave the Hall doorin the session uv the Convenshen. It was carried with loud applause, after which Captnin Mc- Pelter read the letters he hed received, or rather passed over em to me to read, ez I do the most uv it for the Corners. Jefferson Davis — President Davis, I exclaimed, ez I kist the letter — regretted that he could uot be present. His heart still beats for the Sunny South — I cood get no further with the readin uv this epistle. The most enthusiastic and vociferous cheers it hez ever bin my lot to hear broke from the throng in the buildin. Captain McPelter endin with the genooine Southern chargin yell, at wich the niggers in the vicinity uv the buildin grew pale and took to the woods. They'd heard it before, and not bein advised that the meetin wuz purely a Commershal Convenshen, they wuz seriously affrighted. 588 THE WORK DONE. General Boregard regretted that he cood not be present, but — Agin I wuz interruptid by cheers, wich made the very roof' shake, and the members uv the Convenshen threw up their hats to an extent wich fairly darkened tlie air. Letters wuz attempted to be read from other noted leaders uv the South in the late nnpleasantnis with the vandals uv subjugatin States, but at the menshen uv each uv their names the cheerin wuz so extraordinarily vociferous ez to prevent anything bein heard. At this pint, while the enthusiasm wuz at its highest pitch, Deekin Pogram riz, and remarkt that Confedrit X Roads wuz, he wuz awaro, painfully defishent in many things. They hed but one store, and that wuz run by a despicable carpet-bagger, and Bascom's whiskey wuz not ailu'z uv the best; but one thing she could boast uv, namely, her wimmen. " Stand up. Mi- randy ! " he remarkt to that gushin damsel ; '■ and the others in the gallery may ez well rise likewise," wich they all did, wavin Confedrit flags, and bustin out into that ever-inspirin anthem, " The Bonny Bloo Flag." " There," remarkt the Deekin, " there is our jewels. Three cheers for our daugh- ters ! ■•' The efieck uv this was somewhat spiled by a dozen or more quadroons, risin with Mirandy and the rest uv em ! That ojus, demoralizin villin, Joe Bigler, who delites in spilin tetchin tabloos, hed em snug in the gallery all the time, and he sprung em onto us thus crooelly ! General Belter, uv Boregard, offered a resolooshen denouncin the reconstrucksiien measures. President Grant and his Cabi- net, the oppressive Nashnel debt, carpet-baggers, and the Republican party; Major Flair offered one, implorin the Northern Dimocracy to stand firm agin the constooshnei amendment ; Captain McPelter one, insistin on the revokashen uv all laws bearin onto those who had served on the side uv State rites doorin the recent collision uv States ; all of wich was adopted enthoosiastically, when the convenshen adjourned, sine die. The delegates, congratulatin each other on the noble work that hed bin done for the South that day, took a partin drink at A SINGULAR OMISSION. 589 Bascom's at the expense uv our citizens, wich Bascom wood not set it out till some responsible citizen, wich hed land with not more than two mortgages on, wood make hisself responsible for em, and wuz a gittin into the wagons to dust out to their respective homes, when one uv em remarkt — " We've forgot one thing ! " " No we hevint," remarkt General Dingus. " We've done every thing that's yoosual at Southern commercial convenshens. We've cheered for Davis and Boregard ; we've admired the women, deuounst the ablishen party, and demanded our rites — wat more wuz there to do ? '' " We haint sed a cussid word about commerce." " Thunder ! " remarkt the General, " it's a fact. D— d ef it didn't slip my memry entirely. We must assemble agin." And the meetin was again convened. The work was accomplished in short order. Resolooshens wuz passed demandin the buildin uv a railroad by the ginral Government from Davistown to Secessionville, and four differ- ent lines uv road to the Pacific, with branches endin at Con- fedrit x Roads, Secessionville, Davistown, Boregard, and sich other towns ez mite consider it to their interest to hev em. In addition to these it wuz demandid that dredges be taken from the harbors on Lake Erie and other Northern waters, and kept twelve months in the year at work in Camp Run to keep it navigable to the Ohio river for boats uv all classes. A reso- looshen wuz offered demandin uv the Government the buildin of a levee around Deekin Pogram's farm, a part uv wich is frekently overflowed in the spring and fall, and also the gravlin or plankin uv the roads in the county, but it wuz considered best to withdraw these, ez they didn't feel like askin too much to-wunst. Other resolooshens wuz passed, demandin recom- pense for the loss uv niggers, and property destroyed doorin the war, in order that there might be that harmony so fhuch to be desired between the Government and Kentucky', and the meetin adjourned, this time for keeps. Ef these acts uv justis is done, well and good ; ef not, Kentucky protests. The Con- venshen hez hopes uv results follerin its ackshen. .» Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 590 OUT OF OFFICE. CLXXX. MR. NASBY AT LAST LOSES HIS POST OFFICE. On a Fakm, Thkee Miles from Confedrit X Roads ^ (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), V- June 29, 1869. ) The die is cast ! The guilloteen hez fallen ! I am no longer Po8tmaster at Confedrit X Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky. The place wich knowd me wunst will know me no more forever ; the paper wich Deekin Fogram takes will be handed out by a nigger ; a nigger will hev the openin uv let- ters addressed to parties residin hereabouts, containin remit- tances ; a nigger will hev the riflin uv letters addrest to lottry managers, and extractin the sweets therefrom ; a nigger will bo. — But I can't dwell upon the disgustin theme no longer. I hed bin in Washington two weeks assistin the Caucashens uv that city to put their foot upon the heads uv the cussid niggers who ain't content to accept the situashen a,nd remain ez they alluz hev bin, inferior beins. To say I hed succeeded, is a week expreshen. I organized a raid onto em so effectoo- ally ez to drive no less than thirty uv em out uv employment, twenty-seven uv wich wuz compelled to steel their bread, wich give us a splendid opportoonity to show up the nateral cussid- ness uv the Afrikin race, wich we improved. On my arrival at the Corners, I knew to-wunst that suthin' wuz wrong. The bottles behind the bar wuz draped in black ; the barrels wuz festooned gloomily (wich is our yoosual method of expressin grief at public calamities), and the premises gen- erally wore a funeral aspeck. " Wat is it ? " gasped I. Bascom returned not a word, but waved his hand towards the Post Offis. Rushin thither, I bustid open the door, and reeled almost agin the wall. At the general delivery wuz the grinnin PACE UT A NIGGER ! and settin in my chair wuz Joe Bigler, with Pollock beside him, smokin pipes, and laflSn over suthin in a noosepaper. The Guillotine has Fallen on Fostmastek Nasuy. I'age 590. A PROCESSION. 591 Bigler caught site of too, and dartin out, pulled me inside them hitherto sacred precinks. " Permit me," sed he, jeerinly, " to iuterdoose you to yoor successor, Mr. Geezer Lubby." " My successor ! Wat does this mean ? '' " Show him, Geezer ! " And the nigger, every tooth in his head shinin, handed me a commishn dooly made out and signed. I tiaw it all at a glance. I hed left my biznis in the hands uv a depetty. It arrived the day after I left, and Isaker Gavitt, who distribbited the mail, gave it to the cuss. Pollock made out the bonds and went onto em himself, and in ten days the commishn come all regler, whereupon Bigler backt the nigger and took forcible posses- sion uv the ofBce. While 1 wuz absent they hed hed a perces- sion in honor uv the joj'ful event, sed perceshn consistin uv Pollock, Bigler, and the new Postmaster, who marched through the streets with the stars and stripes, banners and sich. Bigler remarkt that the percession wuzn't large, but it wuz talented, eminently respectable, and extremely' versateel. He (Bigler) carried the flag and played the fife ; Pollock carried a banner with an inscrip.-hen onto it,. " Sound the loud timbrel o'er Egypt's dark sea," and played the bass drum ; while the nigger bore aloft a banner, inscribed, " Where Afric's sunny fountins roll down the golden sands," with his commis- sion pinned onto it, playin in addishen a pair uv anshent cym- bals. Bigler remarkt further that the perceshun created a positive sensashun at the Corners, wich I shood think it wood. . '■ It wuzn't," sed the tormentin cuss, " very much like the grand percession wich took place when yoo received yoor commishn. Then tbe whites at the Gorners wuz elated, for they spectid to git wat yoo owed em in doo time, and the nig- gers wuz correspondinly deprest. They slunk into by-ways and side-ways ; they didn't hold up their heads, and they dusted out ez fast ez they cood git. At this percession there wuz a change. The niggers lined the streets ez we passed, grinnin exultinly, and the whites wuz deprest correspondinly. It's singler that at the Corners the two races can't feel good both at the same time." My arrival hevin become known, by the time I got back to 592 TROUBLE. Bascom''b fill my friends hed gathered there. There wuznt a dry eye among em ; and ez I thot iiv the joys once tastid, but now forever fled, mine moistened likewise. There wuz a visi- ble change in their manner towards me. They regarded me with solisitood, but 1 cood discern that the solisitood wuz not so much for me ez for themselves. " Wat shel I do ? " I askt. " Suthiu must be devised, for I can't starve." " Pay me wat yoo owe me ! " ejakelatid Bascom. " Pay me wat yoo owe me ! " ejakelatid Deekin Pogram, and the same remark wuz made by all uv em with wonderful yoo- nanimity. Watever differences uv opinyun ther mite be on other topics, on this they wuz all agreed. " Gentlemen ! " I commenced, backing out into a corner, " is this generous ? Is this the treatment I hev a rights to expect? Is this — " I shood hev gone on at length, but jist at that minnit Pol- lock, Joe Bigler, and the new Postmaster entered. " I hev biznis ! '■' sed the Postmaster ; " not agreeable biznis, but it's my offishel dooty to perform it." At the word " offishel," comin from his lips, I groaned, wich wuz ekkoed by those present. , " I hev in my hand," continyood he, " de bond giben by my predecessor, onto wich is de names uv George W. Bascom, Elkauah Pogram, Hugh McPelter, and Seth Pennibacker, ez sureties. In dis oder hand I hold a skedool ob de property belongin to de 'partment wich wuz turned ober to him by his predecessor, consistin of table, chairs, boxes, locks, bags, et , settry, wid sundry dollars worf of stamps, paper, twine, &c. None ob dis post offis property, turned over to my predecessor by his predecessor, is to be found in de offis. and de objick ob dis visit is to notify yoo dat onless immejit payment be made uv the amount thereof, I am directed by de 'partment to bring soot to-wunst against the sed sureties." Never before did I so appreciate A. Johnson, and his Postraaster-General Randall. Under their administrashen wat Postmaster wuz ever pulled up for steelin anythin? Eko ansers. This wuz the feather that broke the camel's back. DESPAIR. 593 " Wat ! " exclaimed Bascom, " shel I lose wat yoo owe me, and then pay for wat yoo've stole ? " " Shel 1 lose the money," sed Pogram, " wich I lent yoo, and in addishen pay a Ablishen government for property yoo've confiscated ? " " But the property is here," I remarkt to Bascom ; " yoo've got it all. Why not return it, and save all this trouble." " Wat wood I hev then for the whiskey yoo've consoomed ? " he ejakelated vishusly. " It's all I've ever got from you ; and I've bin keepin yoo for four years." " Didn't that property pay yoo for the likker ? " I asked ; but Bascom wuz in no humor for figgers, and he pitched into me, at wich pleasant pastime they all follered soot. But for Joe Bigler, they wood hev killed me. Ez it wuz they blackt both my eyes, and rolled me out onto the sidewalk, shuttin the door agin me. Ez I heard that door slam to, I felt that all wuz lost. No offis ! no money ! and Bascom''s closed agin me ! Kin there be a harder fate ? I passed the nite with a farmer three miles out, who, bein sick, hedn't bin to the Corners, and consekently knowd nothin uv the changes. I heard the next day the result uv the ruckshun. Bascom returned sich uv the property ez hedn't been sold and con- soomed, wiclT consisted uv the boxes. The chairs hed bin broken up in the frekent shindies wich occur at his place ; the locks hed bin sold to farmers who yoozed em on their smoke houses ; the bags hed bin sold for wheat, and so on. The stamps, paper, twine, and sich, figgered up three hundred and forty-six dollars, wich wuz three hundred more dollars than there wuz in the Corners. Bascom advanced the forty-six dol- lars, and the three hundred wuz borrowed uv a banker at Secessionville, who took mortgages on the farms uv the impru- dent bondsmen for sekoority. Uv course I can't go back to the Corners under eggsistin circumstances. It wood be un- comforta,ble for me to live there ez matters hev terminated. I shel make my way to Washinton, and shel see if I can't git myself electid ez Manager of a Labor Assosiation, and so make a livin till there comes a change in the Administrashen. I 38 594 A LETTER FROM HOME. wood fasten myself on A. Johnson, but unfbrchnitly there ain't enuff in him to tie to. I would ez soon think uv tyin myself to a car wheel in a storm at Bea. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Post Master). CLXXXI. MR. NASBY RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS STEADFAST FRIEND. Pepper's Tavern, Holmes Co., O., August 22, 1869. 1 I LEFT the Corners the day after I lost my position, and, without any speshal purpose, wandered up into my old stampin grounds in Ohio. I wuz received with a corjality wich affected me profoundly. Them wich hed bin turned out uv ofEses cood sympathize with me, and them wich hed never got em, felt it still more deeply, ez they eggsaggerate the benefit to be derived from ofEshl posishen, and actilly wonder how a man wich ever held an offis kin survive decapitashen. I hed no difficulty in borrowin enuff dollars uv the stu.dy yeomanry uv this section to not only keep me afloat here for a time, but to pervide again a passage thi'ough an Ablishn country, ef sich need be. My expenses here will be light, ez I am boardin and drinkin on tick exclusively. I told the land- lord the first day to mark it down, ez it wuz inconvenient to make change fifty times per day. He possibly may wish he hed taken the trouble to make change. The sceen reminds me uv Bascom's so much that I actilly shed teers. Democrasy is alike everywhere. Ther wuz the bar, with the big-bellied bottle with tansy in it, and the big- beUied bottle without tansy in it ; ther wuz the box uv pipes, the two lemons wich are doomed never to be yoosed, ez lemon- joose weakens likker ; ther wtiz Pepper, the landlord, with his sleeves rolled up, a leanin onto his elbows onto the bar ; be pepper's. 595 hind him a portrate uv Jackson, on his fomin steed, wavin his sword towards the British, beside it a hand-bill for a mass Con- venshun uv the Deestrick last year, commensin with the trooly orthodox line, " Do you want to marry a nigger?" in large, black type, with a picter uv Wendell Phillips kissin a wench, at wich the Democrasy hev indignated reglerly for ten yeers. Seetid on bustid cheers, empty nail kegs, and leaning on the bar, wuz a groop wich was simply a dooplikit uv the X Roads, and so akkerit that I caught myself sayin " Deekin " lots uv times. I sed " Captain " to a man who wuz so near like McPelter, ez to justify the suspicion that the father uv the present Hugh hed many yeers before bin a citizen uv that visinity, but I wuz keerfnl not to do so agin. Ketchin me by the throte, he sternly remarkt, " Sir ! don't put any uv them titles onto me, sir. I wuz no Captain, thank Heven." He wuz passified when I told him that his remarkable resemblance to a Confedrit Captin occasioned the mistake, wich pleased him so that he to-wunst askt me to take suthin. This opened a new field to me, wich I worked. I diskivered to-wunst an amazin resemblence between all uv em and distinguisht Southern commanders. We fell to talkin uv the old times wich tried men's soles, in the earlier years uv the war. Pepper, the landlord, gave a most afi'ectin reminiscence uv the shootin uv two returned veterans, in the very room in wich w_e sot. The spot on which they fell he hed put the stove over, that it mite be kept sakred. Mr. Bortle, an old saint, whose nose wuz lightin his pathway to the toom, hed a more tragide tale to tell. He wuz one uv them wich sholdered his fowlin peece to resist the draft up in this County, and wuz taken by bloo-coated hirehns and carted off to Camp Chase, where he wuz kept in doorance vile for weeks, with nothin watever to live onto but the yoosual rashens uv a soljer ! One old relic uv the war, wich his name it wuz Babbitt, accompanied Vallandygum through the lines, wich lines wuz commandid by Rosecrans. He wuz present when that accursed villain — that tool uv the despotic ape, Linfcin — hed the impudense to aboose our martyred Saint, and his blood biled ez he heered it. The foUowin epistle reached me yesterday. I received it 596 TROUBLE IN KENTUCKY with mingled emoshuns. Ez I gazed at the familyer stamp onto the envelope, wich 1 hed yoozed so many times, I kissed it in extacy ; ez I thot that it wuz inflicted onto the paper by the hand iiv a nigger, indignashen seezed me. But passin this, I read ez follows : — CoNFEDRiT X Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ) August the 19tli, 1869. 5 My dear, dear Friend : Absence, it is sed, conkers love, but that won't work in your case. I had tried to forget yoo, and hed well nigh succeeded, but in overhaulin some papers yesterday, I happened to come across some uv yoor notes of hand for small amounts borrowed uv me at different times, and I realized to-wunst the force of the old line, — " Tho lost to site, to memry dear," and I bust out into a flood uv tears. Crops is a totle failyoor here. The season hez bin favorable, but we hev bin so entirely without labor that we put in but very little seed. At the time we ought to hev hed our corn plantid, Issaker Gavitt, Kernel McPelter, Elder Pennibacker, and our gons wuz scourin the country to get enuff niggers to plant for us, but ez they each hed land uv their own, they woodent do it. So uv course there wuz none uv any account put in. The little that wuz put in won't amount to nothin, ez we coodeut git niggers enuff to tend it durin the growin sea- son, and the weeds took possession uv it entirely. Joe Bigler sejested that ef we'd spend half the time plantin uv it that we did holdin meetins to devise ways to get nigger labor, we'd hev a bustin crop. But yoo know Josef; he's a lost carikter ; he works with his own hands. One uv the most tetchin sites I ever beheld wuz at Bascom's early in May, jist after our committee had returned from a frootlis search after hands to do our plantin. The entire Corners wuz present ; but there wuz a settled gloom onto their faces, wich even the refresh- ments they wuz consooming coodent entirely dissipate. They wuz grooped about the bar-room ez yoosual. Elder Penni- backer wuz a leanin in a chair, with his back on a table, in the corner, and the others wuz a sittin on kegs in various parts uv the room. THE LACK OF LABOR. 597 " Wo is US ! " sighed the Eider, puttin his feet onto a iieg, that he mite rest easier, and pensively squirtin tabacco jooce at a fly on the wall opposite, " where is the labor to plant the corn ? We shel starve ! " " Alas ! " sighed the Deeken, shiftin his seat to get so that he Good cock his feet agin the wall. " Alas ! the minits is creeping on ; day succeeds day, and no corn in yet." " Yes," replied Issaker Gavitt, rollin over onto his belly, and histin hisself up onto his elbows, " this is the froots uv Ablishnism. Ten years ago, when we bed our niggers, wo hed our corn all in by this time, and wuz ready to put em to plowin on it out. Now that we are dependent onto our labor — " And Issaker groaned, and rolled over onto his back. And so we sot, and sot, aud mourned. The result uv wich is, that there ain't an acre uv good corn in the entire section. Wood that the Ablishnists, wich brot all this onto us, cood see the rooin they hev wrought. The prevailin topic uv discussion sence yoo left us hez bin the trouble with Pollock and a Ablishn frend uv hizzen who lives in Springfield, Illinoy, the restin place uv that human goriller, A. Lmkin, growin out uv the bond question. Yoo remember three years ago the Corporashen ishood its bonds, bearin 6 per cent, for $2,000, to bild a lock-up ; and a yeer later, when it wuz found nessary to gravel the road betwixt the Corners and the stashen at Secessionville, so ez to redoose the freight on the whiskey consumed by us, we ishood bonds bearin eight per cent., to the amount of $4,000, both ishoos runnin twenty-five years. These bonds were taken by Pollock and this frend uv hizzen. Last yeer we paid the interest on these bonds, but this year the people felt that the burden wuz too heavy. They could not reconcile theirselves to the idea uv sweatin to support in idle luxury the bloated bond-holders, and the populis murmured agin it. Wat to do we didn't know, till finally Elder Penne- backer, who borrows my paper reglerly, remarked, " Eureker — I've got it ! " He hed bin readin the Dimocratic proposition to tax bonds, and a lite dawned onto him. " We'll tax these bonds of Pollock's ! " sed the Elder, " and 598 THE BOND QUESTION. thus releeve ourselves uv this thraldom to the money power. Thank Heaven, the people hevn't yet parted with all their power." The segestion wuz acted on to-wunst. The Council wuz assembled, and by a yoonanymous vote an ordinance wuz passed levyin a tax uv eight cents onto the dollar on all bonds ishood by the corporashun for moneys borro\yed uv all sorts. Pollock wuz away when the ordinance wuz passed, and it so happened that he returned the very day that his interest wuz due. Immejitly he proceeded to the Trezier's office, wich is Captin McPelter's, with his coopons. Captin McPelter re- ceeved him blandly, and, puttin the coopons away, tendered him in loo thereoff a receipt for $320 taxes on them sed bonds. " Wat is this ? " ejackilated the astonished Pollock. " Taxes ! " returned McPelter, smilingly. '■ We hev assessed a tax onto our bonds uv eight cents onto the dollar, wich, it happens, is just wat yoor interest is. We skorn repudiation — we shel pay principal and interest — but we hev the rite to tax bonds, and tax em we will." •' Is the tax eight cents on the dollar on all bonds uv the corporashen ? " asked Pollock. " Trooly it is," sed McPelter. " I hold also the bonds ishood a year before these for buildin a lock-up, but wich only bear six per cent. The tax pays the interest and two per cent, over ; what will you do with that two per cent. ? " " Do with it ? " exclaimed McPelter. " Why, we shel apply it to the payment uv the principal, uv course. Tiie entire revenoo uv the corporation is pledged to the extinguishment uv its debt, and we shel not be recreant to our trust." Pollock went away, but McPelter hed a new idea. He im- mejitly called the Council together, and sejested that the tax on the bonds ought to be twelve instead uv eight per cent., ez that tax would not only pay the interest on the 8 per cent bonds, but would extinguish the bonds theirselves. The six per cent, bonds wood not only be eaten up, but would leave Pollock in debt to the corporashen long before they wuz doo. The way uv escape from our troubles wuz so very plain that HOW IT WAS MET. 599 the Council to-wuast acceeded to it ; and notis wuz given Pol- lock uv the new ackshen. Immejetly the craven wretch wantid to sell the bonds to the city at half ther face, but the proposition wuz rejected with skorn. The Council passed a resolooshn rebooken him for intimatin that the Corners wood not live up to its obliga- tions. " Ez much ez we loathe yoo," remarked Elder Pennibacker, the Municipal President, " we shall pay yoor bonds, dollar for dollar, principal and interest ; requiring yoo, however, to bear sich taxation ez may be levied onto yoo." '" But ez the tax eats up both interest and principal, what do I get for my money ? " askt the stiff-neckt man. " The protection uv our laws ! " thundered Pennibacker. The people wuz so indignant at this Ablishnist meddler for his objectin to so ekitable a proceedin that they mob\)ed his store, and wood hev hung him, but fer the interference uv Joe Bigler, who is alluz where he ain't wantid. Ez it wuz, he wuz arrestid for breedin disturbances, and fined $20. He tendered, in payment uv his fine, a corporashun bond, but the Justis refoozed, very properly, to take it, and held him till he shelled out a greenback from his ill-gotten hoards. Pollock feels sore, but we don't. Eeleved from these bonds, the Corners will hev no taxes to pay, and we confidently ex- pect a return uv the prosperity to wich we hev bin so long a stranger. Yours, with affeckshun, Elkanah Pogram. P. S. — Ef you get into a good thing and kin spare it, do remit a porshen at least uv wat you owe me. Times is tite here. E. P. Ez I finisht his movin epistle, I cood not help thankin the Lord t^at in one spot at least the Democracy practis wat they preach. Thank Heaven for Kentucky. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Postmaster). 600 THE DEMOCRACY OP NEW YORK. CLXXXII. MR. NASBY ATTENDS A CONVOCATION OF THE DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK. Noo York, November 20, 1869. I ATTENDiD, by speshl invitashun, a meetin uv the" infloo- enshl workin Democrats uv Noo York, wich wuz called to lay out the work for the incomin Legislacher. The meetin wuz held at Hiberny Hall, wich, ez the occasion wuz one relatin to the Government uv the State and city uv Noo York, wuz-per- foosely decorated Vith the green flag uv Ireland, harps, sun- bursts, and other emblems uv a patriotic nacher, while a brass band on the platform enlivened the perceedins b^' plnyin, at regler intervals, " The Wearin \\v the Green." Dennis Macarthy wuz called to the chair, and Patrick Malonej' wuz made secretary. Some one sejested a man named Biggins for secretarj', urgin that Biggins cood rite ; but his name wuz agin him, and Maloney wuz yoonanimusly chosen. It wuz afterwards discovered that Biggins wuz really an Irishman, and they immejitly made him assistant secretarj'. A committee, consistin uv Messrs. O'Doherty, O'Malley, O'Grady, O'Toole, and O'Shaughnessy, reported ez committee on resolushens, Messrs. McShane, McDonoho, McGragan, McEvy, and McVaj', wich reported ez follows : — That, representin the Deraocrasy uv Noo York, we demand uv the new Legislacher the immejit repeel uv the Excise Law, all the laws bearin on whiskey, all the laws takin control uv the city uv Noo York out uv the hands uv the Democrisy uv the . city, the repeel uv all the Metropolitan poleece laws, and the restorashen uv the appintin uv the poleece to the Mayor, where it ought to be ; in short, the repeel uv all the laws passed by the Ablishun Legislachers uv the past ten years. Mr. Patsy O'Brannon urged the passage uv the resolooshens yoonanimusly. He shood, uv course, be a sargent in the new poleece force, and in addishen to that he hed a brother wich landid the day before the eleckshon, wich brother, like a troo Amerikiu, votid four times, wich must hev a place on the force. \ WHAT THEY WANTED. 601 He (Mr. O'Brannon) felt that he eoodent support him much longer, and onless he got his brother a place soon he wood hev to go to work. Mr. O'Shaughnessy wantid to know ef men landid in Novem- ber, and who hed only voted at one eleckslmn, wuz to step in and take office over the heads uv vetrans wich hed bin here two and three years ? Ef sich things — Mr. Baldwin moved that no man be recognized ez eligible for an offis, or even contrack, wich hed bin in the country less than three months. Mr. McShane shood vote agin that inoi^hen. He hed one brother to whom he lied written to ciime to-wuiist, who wood be cut out for three months if the moshen passed, and he (McShane) coodeht afford to board hiui so long. Mr. McGrath should also oppose it. Anticipatin a i-epecl uv the ojus laws wich hampered the' Diraocrisy uv Noo York, ho hed got a trend to write to two brothers and four cousins to sail immejitly, to fill posisheus uv poleecemen and skool direc- tors and sich, and he hed another brothei- who wood come ez soon ez his time wuz out in the prison at Liverpool, who must be provided for. He wood vote for no sicii moshen. It wuz lost. Mr. O'Shaughnessy wanted a moshen instructin the Legisla- cher to not only put the ap_pintin power in the hand uv the Mayor, but to immejitly double the poleece force uv the cities uv the State wich hev Democratic majorities. Mr. McCoole moved to amend, by requirin all sich cities to commence to-wunst the buildin uv Court Houses, in which shape it wuz carried. Mr. McGeoghegan wished to call the attenshen uv the meet- in to the fact that the Mayor uv the city hed appinted two janitors in the City Hall, one uv wich wuz born in Connecticut, and the other in Noo Jersey. A committee wuz about to be appinted to call upon the Mayor to remonstrate, when it wuz made known that the places hed bin originally given to two brothers named McGrath, who hed sold em to these men, and the subjick wuz dropped. Before the explanashen wuz made there wuz much feelin manifested, but when the facts were made known three hearty cheers wuz given the Mayor. 602 A NEW HOME. Mr. O'Sullivan desired tu know whether, with a Dimocratic Legislacher, there wood be hangin for kilhn naygurs ? Mr. O'Shea remarked, in answer, that he didn't see wat the Legislacher hed to do with that matter. Ther never bed bin hangin in Noo York for nigger-killin, the Lord be praised, and he hed no fears ther ever wood be. Mr. O'SuUivan wuz pleased to know it. He hed bin in the country but a short time, and did not fully understand the customs. He rentid his house uv a naygur, but he shood pay rent no more. It wuz acknowledgin ther superiority. It wuz also resolved that to prevent mistakes and errors, when the appintments fqr the different offises in the city come to be made, that each applicant be required to state wich county uv Ireland he comes from. After some other bizness the meetin adjourned. Wunst on a time a native uv a Western State, lookin at a Democratic procession in this city, remarked ef he hed enuff iniiooence at Washinton he wood ask to be appinted Amerikin Consul to Noo York. I see now the pint to the remark. Ef I conclood to stay here I shel change my name to Michael, practise the shellalab, and take to short pipes. 0, why wuzn't I born in Cork ? Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Postmaster). CLXXXIII. SETTLED AT LAST. —THE CITY OF NEW YORK TO BE HIS FINAL RESTING-PLACE. In the 6th Ward uv Noo York, ) December 10, 1869. | The dove wich Noah sent out come back to the Ark becoz the waters kivered the land ; when the dove found a dry spot it come back no more. I am a dove. I wuz sent out from the Corners, but the prevalence uv water druv me back, time and THE " HARP UV ERIN." 603 agen. Now, thank Heaven, I hev found a spot wher ther is no water (at least I've never seen any used here for any purpose), and here I stay. My foot hez found a restiu-place. I am tiie sole? proprietor uv the "Harp uv Erin " saloon. The original proprietor uv the " Harp uv Erin " died the evenin uv the last eleckshun, much regretted by his politikle assoshates. He hed only voted thirteen times, when in an argyment techin the merits uv his candidate, ez compared with his opponent for the nominashen, he wuz hit with a brick- bat, and died with his day's work half done. The man who struck him wuz expelled from the society to wicii he be- longed for killin an able-bodied Democrat before the closin uv the polls. How I got possesshen uv the s'loon I shel not state. Suffice it to say, it became mine, and the stock likewise, and that I shel never hev occashen to leave it. Here I shel live, and here I shel die. Uv course I!ve decorated it to soot the tastes uv my patrons. I took down the portrate uv Jackson, and cut off uv the bottom the words, " The Yoonyun, it must and shel be preserved ! " and substitootid, " He serves his party best who votes the most," wich I read to those who drop in ez the last words uv the Hero uv Noo Orleens. I hev an Irish flag turned round an Irish Harp over the bar, and portrates uv the Head Centres uv the Fenian Brotherhood, properly wreathed, all about the room. On the end uv the bar, in the spot where in other neyborhoods the water-pitcher stands, I hev a box with a hole in the top uv it, inscribed, " Contribu- shens for the benefit uv our siiffrin brethren in English Basteels may be dropped in here." That box more than pays my rent. Then I hev quite a cabinet uv sakred relics. I hev a piece uv the rope wich hung John Brown ; the identicle club wich killed the first nigger in the riots uv July, 1863 ; a bullit fired at the Triboon offis at that time, with other sooveneers dear to the Democratic heart, wich attract many. These hang onto the walls, and underneath them I hev the prices uv drinks in- scribed, with the stern, cold words, " No Trust." I inoggeratid my establishment last Wednesday nite. Re- memberin the terrible endin uv all my other innogerashens, I declined at fust to make any formal openin ; but my friends in- 604 A SUCCESSFCL OPENING. sisted that it wuz the custom uv the ward, and that I must do it. " Nobody will buy yoor Hkker," sed one, " ef '■ yoo don't make a regler openin." " Bf I make a regler openin," sed I, " 1 won't hev a drop to sell em. Stay — I hev it. I'll go before a Justis uv the Peece and take a solemn oath not to drink anything myself that nite." " ' Twon't do," sed my friend. " Oaths don't count in this ward." Various plans were sejestid. One gentleman proposed that I shood be tied down so that I coodn't git at the likker, and that he shood do the honors. His nose wuz agin him, and I declined his pruposishen." Finally I hit upon a plan. I calki- lated that twenty gallons wood anser, and I put that amount in a barrel. The balance uv the stock I locked in a room, and then put the key away in a drawer. " There," sed I, triumphantly, " afore that twenty gallons is eggsausted I shel be too far gone to know where the key to the room holdin the balance uv the stock is. Saved ! saved ! " It resultid ez 1 anticipatid. At first we hed speeches and toasts. Mr. O'Rafferty replide to the toast, " Our adoptid country." He sed the term, '■ Our adoptid country','' wuz a happy one, fur so fur ez Noo York wuz conserned, the sons uv Erin hed adoptid it. He hed bin charged with a lack uv love fur this country. He repelled the charge with skorn. Why shoodn't he love this country ? In wat other country wuz votes worth a dollar apeece? Where else cood sicli a man ez he hev so high a posisheu ez Alderman, and onl}' two yeers on the grounds. Mr. O'Toole jined in the sentiment. Where else under the canopy cood a man like hisself, who coodn't read, be a skool direcktor? He hed often bin thankful that he hed turned his face toward Ameriky the minit his time wuz out in the prison at Liverpool. Ther wuz less risk in holdin offis in Noo York than in burglary in England, and the results \vuz shoorer. Ther wuzn't much more speech-makin. The drinkin went on fast and furious tho, and ez I antissipatid, before the twenty gallons wuz eggsaustid I wuz very drunk, and incapable uv any effort, mental or physikle, and the others were in very THE NEW ESTABLISHMENT. 605 much the same predicament. Four or five nv em did try to rouse me to git more, but it wuz uv no use ; they mite ez well hev whispered Grey's elegy in the ear uv a dead mule. The most uv em slept, ez I did, on the floor till mornin. I shel be happy here. I hev the steddy patronage uv two Aldermen, three skool direcktors, and four contractors, and when the Mayor gits the appintin uv the poleece there will be twelve poleeceraen whose trade I kin count on. There in my back room is where the preliminary caucuses fnr the ward is held, and I shel be paid fur wat the managers drink till I git an offis myself. At last my lines is cast in pleasant places. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz P. M.). CLXXXIV. MR. NASBY GIVES A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF HIS NEW ESTABLISHMENT. 6th Ward, Noo York, ) December 22, 1869. S I AM perfectly and entirely happy ; for I hev formed a num- ber uv deliteful acquaintances in this trooly grate city, wich makes my pathway pleasant and cheerful. I hev added to the decorashuns uv my bar portrates uv Sammon P. Chase, Fernandy Wood, and Pendleton, one uv wich is shnre to be our standard-bearer in the next contest, wich colleckshun I shel keep addin to ez I git the means. I hev a stiddy run uv trade, and I am seldom alone, which soots me exactly. But few men like to be alone. A man is bad company for hisself, for he alone is the only one who knows percisely how cussed mean he is. The two Aldermen who paternizes me pay ez they drink, wich paternage alone is almost suffishent to support me, ez they are conscienshusly industrious drinkers. They pay, not becoz they hev any particular prejoodis in that direckshun, but becoz money costs em nothin, and becoz, llkin my face, tliey hev a desire to keep me among em. One of em was pleased GOG MR. O'SDLLIVAN. to compliment me yesterday. " Nasby," Sed he, '■ tliat nowe uv yoors indicates more certenly }-oor politicks than wat yoo say. The heart is deceetful, and the tongue otttimes speeks what the heart doth not prompt ; the nose kin never lie. It's alluz safe to approach sich a nose with a cash offer to do dooty ez a repeeter. Two more hot whiskeys, and one for yoorself while yoo are at it." Isn't it a pleasure to mix drinks for one who combines shrewd knowledge uv human nacher, whiskey, and ready pay, in sich correct proportions ? Uv course it is. But my buzzum friend is Terrence O'Sullivan, who is perhaps the most regular customer I hev. Mr. O'Sullivan is one uv the oldest Demo- crats in Noo York, it hevin bin three years sence he left Cork. It is not known wat he wuz before he left Ireland. Ther wuz a pockitbook and a watch mixed up in it, the pertickelers uv wich I never got. On his release, Mr. O'Sullivan perceeded to- wunst to Noo York, and commenst life ez a laborer on an excavashun on Broadway. Forchunitly six weeks after he landed an eleckshun took place, and he immejietly got employ- ment ez a repeeter. Doorin the war he was engaged in enlistin hisself under varius names fur the bounty, the monot- ony of wich ockkupashun he varied by occasional burglaries and operations in the street on intoxicated Western men. He hez bin second and bottle-holder in man}' prize-fights, and hez an interest in two unpretendin faro banks and one lottery shop. Uv course Mr. O'Sullivan holds office. Hevin one hundred and sixty-three votes at his control, he is skool direcktor, in- speckter uv Boa Constrictors in Central Park, clerk to three boards, and in addishen, hez a sub-contract for street cleanin. Ez ther ain't no Boa Constrickters and no Boards, and ez the streets are never cleaned, why, Mr. O'S. hez a tolerable soft thing uv it, or wood hev were it not that he hez to divide his salaries up among so many. But, nevertheless, he lives com- fortably and happy. Mr. O'Sullivan hez a brother who is at this time an inmate uv the State Prison at Sing Sing, for highway robbery, and last Monday we went up to Sing Sing to see him. We arrived jist ez the convicts was a marchin in to dinner, and took posi- MR. O'SULLTVAN'S BROTHER. 607 shen where we cood see em, so that Mr. O'S. cood point out his unforchunit relative to me ez they passed. " There he is — good Hevins ! " " Wat agitates you, my friend ? '' I asked. " Look ! " sed he, " the fourth man in the file." I saw at onct wat agitated him. His brother was the fourth man in the sixth file, and side by side M'ith that brother, a white man, wuz — A NIGGER ! both dressed exactly alike. " Hevins ! " ejackilated O'SuUivan, " is this thing permitted in the Democratic State uv Noo York ? Hev we fought nig- ger ekality at the polls so many years to hev it practised here, in a Democratic State under Democratic ofiishls ? " " And here, too, where only Democrats is degraded by it ! " I put in. We sought out the Warden, and demandid that the infamous practis be changed. The Warden sympathized with us, but sed it coodn't be. There wuz no provision in the laws govern- in the prisons uv the State for keepin niggers separate. " You see," he remarked, " it's only now and then that any uv the degradid race git here, and there's no provision made for em. It can't be helped." " Then," sed O'Sullivan, " do I understand, that the Democrisy uv Noo York city is to be continyooaliy threatened with nigger ekality ? " " They are till the Legisiacher changes it," retorted the Warden. We left the prison shortly after that, Mr. O'Sullivan in a most raelankoll}' mood. " Nasby," sed he finally, after a silence uv perhaps half an hoor, doorin wich time he wuz plunged in the deepest thought, " Nasby, it's all up with me. I shel never break into a house, or pick a pocket, or go through a drunken man agin. Wat I have seen to-day hez determined me. I shel never agin take a chance uv goin to Sing Sing. Why, it mite be my forchoon to be put beside that nigger ! " And a shudder uv ill-concealed anguish agitated his frame, and the strong man wept bitter teers. I comforted him ez best I cood. I told him that should he be arrestid for, say a murder, be tried and convicted, and sent to the penetenshary, and be forced to march side by side with 608 A RAY OP LIGHT. a nigger, " the disgrace," I sed, " won't be yoors, 'twill be the infamous retches who put yoo there. If yoo shood, of your own free will, put yourself on a level with a nigger, — for in- stance, ef yoo shood buy of or sell to an Ethiopian, — then the degredashen wood be yoors, for yoo mite hev asserted yoor sooperiority. But in the case uv State's Prison, I reely think yoo put too much stress onto it. In that case a sooperior power compels yoo to this, and yoo ain't responsible. Were I in yoor place — hed I sich promisin prospecks ez yoorn — I don't think I shood permit this to stop me." But Mr. O'SuUivan wnz inflexible. He shood quit all prac- tices wich pinted in the direckshun uv a penetenshary, for it would kill him to be compelled for a minit to eat, work, or walk beside a nigger, even tho he wuz compelled to do it. Then an idea struck me ! Brilliant idees alluz do come to me precisely the rite time. " Why, yoo cussed jackass ! " sed I, fallin onto his neck, " why do we talk uv this. Now that the Democracy hez the Legislacher, and will hev the control uv the city in all its departments, no Democrat who hez a dozen votes back uv him will go to the penitenshary. But few of em did afore, when the Ablishnists hed the poleece, but now that we hev Judges, poleece, and all — why, my deer sir, the chances is ez one to a million. Go on with yoor burglary, my sweet Terence ; go in and win, with no gaunt fear stalkin like a spectre beliina yoo." Mr. O'SuUivan returned to the city with me, comforted, that is ez to hisself. But he is determined that the wrong shel be remedied.. He declares it his purpose to petishn to the Legislacher to pass an act makin seprit prizens ibr niggers, that Democrats uv the city may not be perpetooally menaced with the possibility that they may be compelled to assoshate with em ; or wot wood be still better, they wood hev hangin made the only punishment for niggers, wich wood finish the cusses to-wunst, and end all anxiety on their account. Sich a petition is now iiangin in my bar, and I read it to all who cum in, and in no case hez any one uv em refoosed to make his mark onto it. This will be the first reform the new Legislacher will be called upon to make. Petroleum "V. Nasby (wich wuz P. M.). THE FIPTEKNTH AMENDMENT. 609 CLXXXV. THE FRIENDS OF MR. NASBY HOLD A MEETING AND INDULGE IN A WAIL OVER THE PASSAGE OF THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT BY THE OHIO LEGISLATURE. 6th Ward, Noo York, j January 24, 1870. ) The paasige uv the 15th Amendment by the Ohio Legis- lacher created a profound sensashen in this immejit visinity. The news reached us in the afternoon, and that evenin a large meetin wuz held in the back room uv my grosery to express our views on the topic, the elect uv the Democrisy uv the ward bein present. I wuz uv course called to the chair, and Tom- my Mick Farland, who wuz wunst a reporter, till an overpowerin fondnis for likker preventid him from dischargin his dooties, and who, ez he kin write, hez since made a livin by actin ez Sekre- tary uv Dimekratic meetins in this ward, wuz made Sekretary. Terence O'Grath, who is an under waiter at the Astor House, remarked that his sole wuz filled with woe. The pas- sage uv the Amendment, by the Ohio Legislacher, settled the question uv nigger suffrage. From this time forward a menial race, only fitted by nacher to do menial ofiices for others, wood be placed on a ekality with him. It wuz degradin to the race uv freemen to wich he belonged, and for one he wood never, no, nevei' submit. Mr. O'Grath wood hev continyood his remarks, but he wuz cut short by the entrance uv the head waiter, who cussed him viggerusly for bein away from his place, and ordered him instantly to leeve. " Who's brushin the gentlemen's coats, and pullin off their boots, and sich, while yoor here blatherin?" indignantly ejackilated the head man, ez Mr. O'Grath meekly left the room. Timmy Brannon, a drayman, remarkt that he wuz entirely discouraged. Only last week he hed bin arrestid and fined for beatin his boss over the head with a dray pin, and now kin nothin be dun to check these outrages ? Thomas Patterson, Esq-., a gentleman known in pugilistic circles ez " Patty the Lifter," wantid to know whether he wuz 39 610 THE EFFECT IN NEW YORE. to be compelled to go to the polls twenty times a day beside niggers ? " Blast my lieyes," remarkt Mr. Patterson, vehe- mently, " I'll go back to Hold Hingland first ! " Mr. Phelim Malloy remarkt that so far ez Noo York wiiz con- cerned he didn't know ez 'twood make any dilErence. He wuz entirely shoor that no nigger wood ever vote in the Sixth Ward, anyhow, ez we don't allow only sich white men to vote ez we want to hev vote. But — " " But s'posen they'll all vote the Dimocrathic tikket?" sung out an Alderman. " That wooden't do us any good," retorted Mr. Malloy. " So long ez we kin repate ez often ez needs be, and stuff into the boxes ez man}'' votes ez we want, wat do we want uv more voters ? What he wnz about to say wuz, that while it wooden't affect us in Noo York, his sole run out in pity towards the Dimocrisy in the Ablishen distriks, who wood be compelled to vote with niggers, — compelled to stan by helplis, and see the ballot-box thus degradid." At this pint there wuz a gineral expreshun uv joy, okkashund by the entrance uv Mr. John Sykes, who hed jist arrived from Sing Sing, where he hed been incarcerated two years for bur- glary, which wuz complicatid with shootin the individjooel whose house lie wuz burglin. His bein convicted and sentenced wuz owin to the fact that he hed opposed the nominashen ov the Judge afore whom he wuz tried. Mr. Sykes wuz, uv course, indignant at the unfair treetment he had experienced, but he wuz more profoundly affectid at the politikle sitooashen than he wuz at his privit w^rongs. " Thunder ! To think," sed he, " uv sich a mass uv ignorence, vishusness, and crime bein ele- wated up to us. Ef 'twant for some little matters connectid with a half dozen house-breakins in Lunnun, I'd go back on the next steamer ez sails." And Mr. Sykes actilly wept. At this pint an unfortunit difference occurred. Alderman O'Fallon wuz offerin a rcsolooshen protestin agin the assoshatin uv fr^e men with the lower and more vishus classes ez tendin to corrupt the sanctity uv the ballot, when Mr. Patsey Carney entered. " Pay me the money ye 'promised me for the ten votes I brot ye off the emigrant ship last fall, ye spalpeen ! " AN INTERRUPTION. 611 " I've paid it twice, ye blaggard ; and, be gorra, ther^ wuz only nine uv em, and one uv them wuz a legal voter, for wich ye lied no right to ask pay for ! " retortid O'Fallon. " To the divil wid yez ! " remarkt Carney, goin fo^ him. Uv course the entire meetin jined in the scrimage. It lastid twen- ty minits, resultin in the breakin uv every chair in the room, a two-gallon jug, and twelve or fourteen heads. That relic uv Ablishen misrool, the Metropolitan Poleece, kum in and stopt the row, takin away ten men, nine uv wich I knowd hed money in their pockets, wich, hed they stayed an hour, I shood hev got. It wuz exasperatin. Two uv my stiddy customers,_who hed bin overcome early in the afternoon, and who hed jist got up out uv the straw which I keep in a room for the accommodashen uv sich, insistid that thej^'d never consent to givin uv polittickle power to the degradid wretches. They felt that the very proposishen was a outrage. " Besides," one uv em remarked, " wat effeckt will the makin uv sich an army uv new voters hev upon the price uv votes ? Ef they vote at all in this city they'll hev to vote with us. Will they immejitly demand their share uv the offi- ces ? Imagine my bein arrestid for vagrancy by a nigger po- leceman ! " And the very thought so shockt him that he rusht out into the bar-room and took a whisky strate, forgettin, in his excite- ment, to pay 'for it. Resolooshens were introdoost and passed, denounsin the ackshen uv Ohio, and exhortin Noo York to stand firm in her rescindin uv the ratificashn. Addishnel resolooshens wuz passed, demandin uv the Legislacher uv Noo York a stricktly Democratic government. We insisted upon the immejit repeel uv the Excise Law, the Metropolitan Poleece laws, the laws pre- ventin crooelty to animals, the health laws, the dividifi uv the Skool Fund among the Catholic churches, and all the laws which tend to keep Ablishnists in office, to the injoory uv the s'loon keepers uv Noo York. This last mentioned class wuz added at my instance. Ef the poleecemen on this beat wuz all taken from my patrons, ez they will be when the change finally comes, wat a good thing I wood hev uv it. Imagine twenty or thirty men, all on good salaries, and with power to arrest and go 612 DESPONDENCY. through jest sich ez they please, and all uv em spendin half or three quarters uv their time in my bar-room ! Majestic pros- peck ! Governor Hoffman wood insist upon hurryin up this thing ef he realized how much we who electid him are losin by his non-ackshen. My biznis is tollable only. My customers are gettin in the habit uv remarkin to me, " jist mark it down," after takin a drink, which, sence I stand inside uv a bar, I find to be a most disgustin thing. And then my custom is bein divided. Sence the, Democratic victory in November makes a change in the control uv the city certin, five stores in the immejit visinity uv my place hev bin changed into s'loonp, and each one draws off suthin from me. But yit I make no doubt I shel git along. My landlord will be a candidate for Alderman next spring, and he can't afford to bother me very much for rent, and I am bizy establishin a credit at half a dozen wholesale lickker stores. I shel worry along. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Postmaster). — m;^ — CLXXXVI. MR. NASBY IN A DESPONDENT FRAME OF MIND. LooisviLLE (wich is in the State of Kentucky), > February 9, 1870. \ I don't know that reely there's any more yoose in livin on this earth. The Fifteenth Amendment is adoptid, and a nig- ger Senator' will take the seat in the Senit wunst okkepied by that marter, Jeffson Davis. It's about time for me to go hentz — I hev no desire to remane. I wood like to stay long enough to consoom the contents uv a red-headed barrel in the back- room uv my blessid grosery in Noo York, into wich I hain't, ez yet, put no water, and probably I will. I think I shel go home, shut myself up in tliat back room, drink that partikeler barrel dry, and fall dead across it. Like Sardanapulus, my kingdom being gone, my funeral pile shel be my throne. A KENTUCKY CONFERENCE. 613 I came on to Keatucky to aid by my counsel the Dimoorisy uv.that State in the present crisis. The nigger Revel hez a seat in the Senit uv the Yoonited States, and, uv course, no white Kentucky Dimocrat kin so degrade hisself ez to set in that body beside him. I expected, uv course, that Garret Davis and McCreery wood immejitly resine, and ez uo native born Kentucky Dimocrat wood take the place, and ez Ken- tucky could not afford to be representid by a Ablishnist, it okkurred to me that possibly there mite be a chance for me. I am a Northern Dimocrat by birth, and Northern Dimocrats have alluz done sich work for the Southerners ez the South- erners countid too dirty for em. The only thing wich cood stand in the way wuz the fact that I left Kentucky a year ago, and am now a citizen of Noo York. But wat uv that? I kin swear I am a citizen uv Kentucky — I hev bin in Noo York politics enuff to be able to swear to anything. At all events I went on to my old State, and got together a caucus uv the Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher to con- sider this thing. The Chairman uv the caucus remarkt that the signs uv the times indikated trouble. Kentucky, ef that nigger wuz ad- mitted to the Senit, wuz virchually disfranchised, for uv course Davis and McCreery cood not remain in their seats beside him. No Kentucky gentleman wood disgrace his proud State by practically takin to his buzzum a male member uv an inferi- or race — acknollegin his equality, and workin quietly with him. Never ! Sooner than see this he wood be willin to see the States further South inoggerate another struggle for their rites, in the event uv wich, Kentuckj', troo to the Yoonyun, ez before, wood preserve a strict and dignified nootrality by sellin horses and provender impartially to both armies. He hoped the gentlemen wood express their views freely. A gentleman from the eastern part of the State offered the following preamble and resolushen : — " Wareas, The Senit of the Yoonited States is about to admit to a seet in that body a nigger ; and, " Wareas, No Kentucky Dimocrat wood degrade hisself by sittin beside a nigger ; therefore, " Besolved, That Hon. Garret Davis be instructed to resine to-wunst." 614 TROUBLE. The resolooshuns passed to-wunst, without a dissentin voice, and were sent by telegraph to the Senators at Washington, after wich I begged permission to offer a remark. I sed that uv course no Kentuckian cood be found to take them places made vacant by the two eminent men who wuz about to leeve the Senit, but nevertheless Kentucky coodent afford to go un- represented. Is there no Northern man uv Kentucky princi- ples who will rush to the front at this crisis ? Twenty gentlemen sprang to their feet. The one who got the eye uv the chairman remarkt that Kentucky shood alluz be represented by Kentuckians. Davis and McCreery cleerly ought not to stay. They shood resine to-wunst ez a protest agin this outrage, but ef Kentuckians cood be found who wood accept the places they should be found. Takin em, ez they wood, ez a necessity, there woodent be the stigma attached to em that there wood be to the present incumbents ef they shood remane, and possibly sich mite be found. The Chairman doubted whether there wuz a Kentuckian who hed so little respeck for hisself. Ef a Kentuckian wuz selected, it should be from the membership uv the Legislacher. He felt that it wuz the dooty uv some two uv em to sacrifice theirselves on the altar uv their State. It wood be a bitter degredashun for a man, filled with the memories uv the past, to choke down nateral pride, and take a seet by a nigger, but some one must do it. He wood sejest that the members pro- ceed with system in this matter. Let us designate, by ballot, our wishes. Let us vote for a man to fill the place to be made vacant by G. Davis, and let the member upon whom this dooty devolves accept the sacrifice in the troo Kentucky sperit. Gentlemen, prepare your ballots for a successor to Davis, and get ready to shed a friendly teer over the fate uv the man upon whom the degredashun falls. This wuz agreed to, each member remarkin that no matter who wuz chosen, there wuz no law to compel him to be electid and set beside a nigger. The members each voted ; the votes were counted out, and, horror ! each member hed precisely one vote, and the loosenis uv the hand-writin on the tikkits made it painfully certin that each member hed votid for hisself ! Ez my hopes wuz bustid, DISAPPOINTMENT. 615 I coodeut help singin out that a more self-sacrificin body uv men I never saw ! Then commenst the most fearful squabble I ever witnest. Gentlemen got by the ears, and pistols wuz drawd, but jist ez they were gettin ready for a sekkond ballot, a dispatch wuz received from Davis and McCreery, statin that while they ap- preshiated the degredashen uv their sitooashen, and felt it keenly, nevertheless, ez Kentucky must be represented in the Senit, they rather thought they woodent resine at all ! Ef they knowd their own hearts they thought they'd hold on to their seets. They might as well be sacrificed as anybody. The gentlemen mostly remarked " H — 1 ! ", as this epistle wuz read to em, and disperst without the formality uv an ad- journment. I hevent ez much faith in Dimocrisy ez I yoost to hev. 1 eposed that when that nigger wuz finally admitted, that evry Democrat in the Senit wood resine ; but wat do I find ? Not one hez done it, and whole Legislachers uv Democrats are willin to ta:ke seats beside him ! Wat kin we expect when men are so recreant to their man- hood ? Is it any wonder that / 1 am tired uv life ? I shel go home to Noo York to-wunst. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz P. M.). CLX^XVII. THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT. Harp nv Erin S'loon, 6th Ward, ) Noo York, April 2, 1870. \ The proclamation uv the President announcin the ratification uv the Fifteenth Amendment prodoosed a profound sensashen in this Ward. It wuz told to our people by a reporter uv a daily paper at 11 o'clock this mornin, and it got pretty well around among us 616 A MEETING. by 3 this afternoon, wicl) wnz toUably rapid, considerin that intelhgence in this Ward hez to be conveyed orally. In the afternoon it wuz resolved that a meetin be held in the evenin to consult ez to wat ackshen the Dimocrisy sliood take in the matter, wich wuz akkordingly so done. I hed the back room lit up, the barrels moved into a safe place under the strongesi kind uv locks, and the bar closed and draped in mournin in token uv the hoomiliashen wich I felt had fallen onto the peo- ple in consekence uv this outrage. I hung crape onto the door ; I put crape around the portraits uv Jaxon, Chief Justis Chase, Bookannon, and Fernandy Wood, and likewise around the bottles and over the red-headed barrel, wich gave the establishment a highly funereal and mournful look wich wuz entirely satisfactory. In the evenin the Dimocracy assembled, and a more enraged gatherin I never saw. They wuzn't jist clear ez to wiit the President hed done ; indeed the most uv em wuz labrin under the impreshn that the enfranchisement uv the nigger wuz the work uv the Democratic Legislacher at Albany, and ther wuz indicashens uv a determinashen to go thro some of the houses uv the Dimocratic members in this city, but I stopt em by tellin em the strate uv it. I asoomed the chair, uv course, and hed, in addishen, to do the dooties uv Sekretary, bein the only one then in the meetin who cood write. Teddy McGinnis remarked that he felt a hoomiliashen wich wuz actooally beyond expreshen. The dirty nagur wuz now his ekal. The only difference between em hed bin removed by this infamus law. Does any one spose that he'd iver consint to vote all day beside niggers ? Niver ! He called upon the Dimocracy to jine him in a eroosade agin em. " Fol- low me," sed Teddy, " and in Noo Yorrick, at least, we won't be bothered with nagur suffrage, be gorra." Pat McLaughhn held simlar views. Sooner than vote beside nagurs, he'd relinquish the biznis uv votin altogether, and go to sawin wood. Repeetin is a good enuff biznis, and the small conthract wich he hed, ez a reward thereof, wuz betther, but he coodent stand nagurs, nor woodent. His voice wuz for killin uv em. ACTION ARRESTED. 617 The others made similar speeches, when Sandy MoGuire offered a resolooshen that the offerin uv a vote by a nagur be considered ez a declarashen uv war agin tho Democracy uv Noo York, and that they then be immegitly exterminated. Sandy wuz for no half-way measures. -He. remembered the glorious Jooly days in 1863, when the Democracy uv Noo York assertid itself. He hed assisted in destroyin the nagur orphan asylum ; with this good rite hand he hed beat out the brains uv two nagurs, to say nothin uv the wirain and children wich he didn't consider worth countin. He longed to get at em agin. The meetin bein all so yoonanimus in tlieir feelin I wrote the follerin re^>olooshens : — "Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, considerin iuid beleevin the nigger to bo a beast, a burlesk on lioomanity, and incapable uv dischargin any uv the dooties uv oitizensliip, do hereby protest agin his bein give the ballot on an ekaliiy with white men. "Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, ruther Ihan submit to this degredashen, pledges itself to the extermina- shen uv the accussid race." The resolooshens wuz adoptid without a dissentin voice, and the enthoosiastic McGuire, brandishin a shillala, rushed out and attackt a couple uv niggers wich wuz passin, and knockin em down, stamped onto em vigrously with his'boots, exclaimin the while, " Want to vote, do yez ! " The meetin wuz about to break up, when Tini O'Grady, a man uv Fernandy Wood's, come rushin in. He hed heard uv the meetin, and come immejitly to see about it. I told him in a breath wat. hed bin done. " Thunder ! " he remarkt to me in a whisper, " this won't do. Yoo eggrejis old ass, the niggers hev votes, and will vote now in spite uv us. We must git em, for without em, with all the rebels disfranchised, wat kin we do in the Southern States? Call the meetin to order agin." I didn't like the tone uv his alloosion to me, but I called the meetin to order onct more. O'Grady remarked to em that there hed bin a misunderstand- in. He felt ashoored that the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, alluz 618 A NEW DEPARTURE. the friends uv the oppressed and down trodden, wood now genrously extend a helpin hand to our colored brethren jist elevated to full citizenship. The Dimocrisy hed not assisted in their elevashen, but they hed no feelin agin our brethren uv color. When om- colored brethren come to analyze the matter, they wood love the Dimocrisy the more for not doiu uv it. He wood move the substitooshen uv the follerin resoloo- shen for the one wich hed bin unadvisedly passed : — " Resolved, That the Democrisy uv Noo York hail with a feelin uv pleasure wich we hev no words to express, the elevashen uv our colored fellow-citizens to full citizenship, and that we pledge ourselves to pertect em in the enjoyment uv ther newly-found rites." The meetin didn't want to pass it. Tlie feelin agin em wuz too deep sot to be rooted out in a minit, but O'Grady wuz determined. 0, wat a minit wuz that ! Wuz the niggers to be killed by us, or wnz they to be taken to our buzzums. Ther fate hung tremblin in the balance? Finally it wuz put to vote, and the niggers wuz safe. By one majority the reso- lushen wuz passed. At that minit a groan wuz heard outside. " What is that," asked O'Grady. " Some uagurs I jist now bate ! " remarks MoGuire. " Beatin niggers ! " sed O'Grady. " Good Lord, bring em in." And he rushed out and brought in the two unfortunates. They were badly banged up about the face, and breast, and stumick, and legs, but O'Grady wuz ekal to the emergency. He washed their wounds, and revived em with whiskey, and bound up ther sores, and finally sot em on ther feet. " McGuire ! " sed he, when he hed the w.ork finished, ''McGuire, embrace em." McGuire hed his shiilala in his hand. Never did I see a man so torn with contendin emoshens. Nateral instinks compelled him to drop that shiilala on their beds ez usual, but the politikle considerashens restraned him. Twict under O'Grady's eye he lowered it, until at last he dropt it, and fell sobbin with emoshen onto their buzzums. I took the crape off the door, bottles, and picters, and immejitly illoominated in honor uv the event, and the next AFTER THE ETHIOPIAN. 619 morDin I put up a placard at my door, " No distinkslien at this bar on account uv color. Ekal rites ! " Tiie ward committee is takiii prompt and vigerous ackshen to secoor this vote. They hev adoptid the same means they yoose to control ther other vote. They hev already startid ten s'loons, run by colored men, to wich they give all the profits, and are arrangin ten more. There will be a nigger or two put onto the police to-wunst. The force will be increased enufl'to make room ior these new ones, ez we darsn't discharge any uv the Irish. I'm goin for em also. Those wich I kin git to drink my likker will vote my tikket. It will fetch em sure. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Postmaster). CLXXXVIII. MR. NASBY ATTEMPTS TO GET POSSESSION OF THE NEGRO VOTE. Harp uv Erin S'loon, in the Sixth Ward, ) Noo York, April 12, 1870. J The Noo York World, in a recent ishoo, remarkt that the Nigger vote must come to us, becoz the Dimocrisy had alluz hed success in managin the ignerant and degradid classes. This determined us to set about sekoorin the vote uv the nig- ger populashen in our ward immejitly. Father McGrath in- sisted that it be done to-wunst, becoz the minit they become Dimokrats the way wuz paved for their comin under tlie sper- itooal direckshen uv the Catholic Church; Timmy McGee in- sisted that it shood be done bocoz the element, ef opposed to us, mite become dangerous ; Timmy 0'R3'an, becoz we hed either to incorporate em into our ranks or kill em, and be didn't beleeve it ■vjrood pay to raise another riot jist now; and I wantid em attached to our party becoz I wantid em in front uv my bar reglerly. We decided that the shoorest way to git at em wood be to 620 AN ETHIOPIAN SECURED, git one nigger interestid with us, who wood serve ez a decoy duel? to bring in the others. We wantid a nigger to assoshate with ; to embrace and sich ; to show other niggers that we cood and wood affilyate with em. We hed a terrible time a gittin uv it startid, however. We got one uv that race in my back room, and attempted to argoo the questions uv the hour with him, confident in our ability to crush him by facts into submishen to our doctrines, but the mizable devil pulled out uv his pockit a copy uv the Constooshn, and askt Teddy the Lifter to read and constroo a sentence therein, which finisht that pertikler effort. Teddy, and Patsy O'Rourke, and Micky Doolan, who hed him in hand, startid back at the site uv that book ez tho they hed been shot. The cuss cood read, and wat cood any uv era do with sich a man? We caught a sick nigger, and hed him in tow three days. We nussed him, and fed him, and hed in a doctor for him, wich doctor give iiim medicine and Dimocrisy in ekal doses, all uv wich he seeminly gulped down with ease. We got him on the skore uv gratitood, and he went away, promisin that he wood jine us, but the second day he came back, and laid down on the bar twenty dollars, with the remark that that sum wood pay for all the cost and trouble we hed been to on his account. "What do yoo mean?" sed I, sternly, sweepin the money into the drawer, however, to make sure uv tliat. Bustin into a paroxysm uv teers, he remarkt that ez low and mean a nigger ez he wuz, he coodent reely jine us. It wuz un- fair in us, he sed, to take advantage uv his illness to put him under obligashens to us. " I can't be a Dimokrat," he sobbed, claspin his hands pit- eously, " I can't, reely. I hev a gray-haired mother livin, and a younger sister ! I can't ! I can't ! for I'm spectably con- nected ! " And he rushed out. It wuz forchnit for him that I wuz alone at that time. All our efforts to sekoor a Ethiopian to our standard seemed to come to naught, and we wuz just on the confines uv despair, when one mornin Johnny O'Shoughnessy came rushin in, ex- claimin, " I've got it — I've got it ! " AND PREPARED. 621 "Gotwat?"Iaskt. " The nigger we want. In the Polece Court there's a nig- ger up for drunkenness, vagrancy, steelin, assault and battery, and some other things, and ez he hezn't a blasted cent, uv course he'll be sent up in short metre. We kin git him shoor, ef we go about it quickly. I got the Judge to hold on a bit till I cood see you." To-wunst I seed a lite. Eiishin frantically down to the court-room, I gave myself ez bail ff)r his appearance, wich the Judge, who is a politikle friend of mine, acceptid, without question, and seezin the nigger by the coat collar, I hustled him off to my place in triumph. Tim Doolan spoke up. " Will yoo," sez Tim, " ef we get yoor discharge, promise to alluz vote the Dim — " " Hold ! " sez I quickly, for I wuz afeerd Tim's thoughtless precipitancy mite rooin all. " Hold ! He ain't in condishen to hev that question put to him. Wait a minnit. I Understand wat's required to make a convert better than yoo do." And seezin a bottle from behind the bar I put it to his lips. The nigger drank with a eagernis wich gave me hope. Teddy spoke up agin, — " Will yoo promise to alluz vote — " " Hold ! " sed I. " He hain't enough. Drink ! " And the nigger emptied the bottle. '•' Now," sed I, " are yoo willin to promise to alluz vote the Dimocratic tikkit; to labor with your colored brethren to bring em into the fold uv the Dimocrisy, and to do your level best to promote the interests uv the Dimocratic party, now and forever? " The nigger, by this time crazy drunk (the likker wuz from my own private bottle and unwatered), swore that he would promise all tliis. " Gib me some mo' dat whiskey," he shrieked. I gave him another bottle, and in fifteen minits he wuz sleepin the deep sleep wich the tite man only knows. In about four hours he awoke, and I thought it time to ap- proach him on the main question. " Ceezer," I remarkt, " you must commence yoor work to- nite. We shel git up a meetin uv colored men at this -place for the purpose uv organizin a Colored Democratic Club, and you must address em." 622 THE FAILURE. " Must I indoose em to jine a Dimocratic Club ? " he asked. " Certinly." " Did I promise to do it? " " Certinly," I replied ; " and, my buck, yoo'd better keep that promise or I'll hev yoo back in the dock at the Polece Court in a jiffy." " I'll do it," sed he, with the desperate air uv one who hed determined that life ain't worth livin for, and is prepared for anything. " I'll do it, but I must hev likker enuffto drown my con— wich is to say, give me nerve." " Certinly," I replied, " all the likker you want, but speek yoo must." The nite come, and there wuz a decent show uv niggers in the back room. But the speeker ! Alas ! he wuz too far gone to speek, and I hed to dismiss em. The next mornin he swore he never wood do it ; and to git him to the pint uv consentin I give him more likker, and he got drunk again, and so on it went, all the week. The fix we wuz in wuz suthin like this : — 1. We coodent approach a nigger who hed any standin or inflooense. 2. When we capcherd sich a wun, he woodent hev anything to do with us when he wuz sober ; and to hold him, we hed to keep him drunk. 3. When drunk enuff to stay with us, he wuz too drunk to do-wat we wantid. After squandrin on this poor wretch at least a half barrel of ez good likker ez ever soothed my shrinkin sole, I wuz com- pelled to hev him re-arrested and sent up for a year or two. I coodent stand no sich drain on m}' finances, nor cood I bear to see so much likker wastid on a nigger. The cuss took his sentence joyfully. " It's hard," he sed, " but it's better than wat yoo perposed." This nigger question is the problem uv the age. How it will be solved puzzles me. May Heaven send us wisdom. Petroleum V. Nasby (wich wuz Postmaster). " FAREWELL." 623 CtXXXIX. A TEW LAST WORDS. — THE WRITER HEREOF BIDS HIS READERS FAREWELL, AND HURLS A TRIFLE OF EXHORTATION AFTER THEM. CoNFfiDKiT X Roads ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), r May 12, 1870. ) Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejiis to enoo- merate, that " farewell " is the saddist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are spozed to be a continyooally carryin about witii em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich ; but I hev never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo saj' it, under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancj', I wuz inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Jersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my posses- sion (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly asshoored em that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I 'hed bin guilty uv bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes of che- root cigars, I asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence, — hevin bin fed on bread and water, — the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Pen- itentiary, after an elokent speech, in M'ich I reviewed the whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in the rpatter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen of my beloved country, — that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that ray conshence wood not be easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evrl, — when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot of 624 THE NIGGER VOTES. close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say " Farewell " to the grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way wuz captivity ? Nary. These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I ^ hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite ! I ginerally went in the nite, — " Foldin my tent like the Arab, And ez silently steelin away," hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony of landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Ktiowin the softnis uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins. I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in sich a state uv abject cussi- tood. The Northern States have slipt from our grasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the black banner uv Ablishinism ; and the States which we kin control hevent got strength enuflf to do any more than to send a few Senators and Representatives to Congress, wich don't do us no good. They are very like the itch, — they irritate, but don't kill. The Fifteenth Amendment is now a law, and the nigger votes. The Nigger Votes ! Ther ain't no doubt about it. The Dimocrat uv Kentucky, uv Ohio, uv Noo York, and Inje- any must, from this time hentzforth and forever, go to the poles beside niggers, and must stand by calmly, and put his ballot into the box beside theirn ! Wat degredaslien ! Lovejoy wuz killed in vain, and the mobbins uv Garrison, and Baily, and the other apossels uv Ablishnism goes for naught. Methinks 1 see the gosts uv Lovejoy, and Lundy, and John Brown, a hoverin in the air, and clappin their sperit hands, and shoutin in sperit voices, Halleloojy 1 Methinks 1 see over agin em the THE HOPE OP DEMOCRACY. 625 gosts uv Wigfall, and Mason, and the other worthies, wringin their sperit hands, and sheddin speritooal tears ! Niggers at the ballot-box — niggers on joories — niggers in offis — nig- gers on railroads — niggers in churches — niggers every- where ! Thank Heaven I am an old man, and can't live long, anyhow. I hev fought a good fight — but, Heavens ! how I hev bin walloped. Nevertheless, Dimocrisy will not die. It hez endoored sich defeats afore, and hez survived. So it will this time. It is passin through the valley and the shadder now, but it will emerge yit in the sunlite uv victry. Suthin will come in time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certintj^ now ^tate ; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective indi- vidooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin their own thinkin, and therefore it could not be brot into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz wat they called a prinsipple at stake ; and on that prinsipple they elected Lin- kin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern brethren decided to commence operashens for the new gov- erment it hed so long desired ; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough to see that thro. But now that question is settled. The nigger — cuss him — is free, and hez the legitimit result of freedom, the ballot. The iron bond wich held em together is gone, and they will split, and our openin is made. We bev a solid phalanx, wich they can't win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for Jaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeo- manry who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls ! don't know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go bare- foot in winter, wiiile their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and 40 C26 THE OLD GUARD, damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev tKe patriotic citizins whose noses blossom liite the lobster, and we hev Ireland. There is ships a sailin the bloo sea forever, and so long ez a Irishman kin git to the coast witli money enuff to pay a passage to Ameriky, so long we kin depend on reinforce- ments. The Pope uv Rome is oiir friend, and so long ess ther is a Pope and a distillery, so long will there be a Dimokratic party in the Yoonited States.. These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't tetcb. They alluz hev ben ourn, and they alluz will. In this country ther will alluz be two parties, and these elements will alluz act with us, becoz they are naterally ourn. They belong to our organizashen, and woodent be comfortable anywhere else. They will be with us in obejence to that law in Nacher wich puts evrything in its proper place. We hev the proper asso- siashens for these classes, and no others. Nacher never wastes nothin — she gives us all we kin enjoy. The bird that soars into the bloo empyrium wuz made to soar into the bloo em- pyrium, and consekently avuz provided with holler bones and wings. Sposn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into the bloo empyrium (I like that word — its hefty), woodent it be continyooaliy mizable becoz it coodent sore into the bloo empyr- ium? Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man lean and thin. Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher shood gjve a mean man the entrales and stumick uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't you see that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and the desires appertainin, and the meanness that prevented his fillin em, wood make liim mizable ? So, ez nacher didn't give him the disposition to fill stumick and entrales, she didn't aiso give him the stumick and entrales to fill. All uv wich goes to show that he who is fitted to be a Dimekrat will be a Demo- krat, and that ez the Millenium is a long way off, there will alluz be enuff so fitted to make a tollably strong party. The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will, but not yet. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em with, in gun-shot uv one ? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when WORDS OP GOOD CfHEER. 627 the}" can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our re- sources yet. ' When the wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us. It isn't certin that we won't control him even- cliooally. They ain't educated ez yit, and Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners ; they hev Delaware and Maryland ; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy ; and ef we kin git at him afore he reaches the spellin-book, he's ourn beyond peradvenclier. Then there's new territory to be acquired, wich is full uv material for us. There is Mexico a ripenin for us. That country wood cut' up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood hold for years. Mas^achoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers there with their spellin-books, they'd end their labors by lettin a knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put a check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees lower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers, but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry em without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves. Mexico affords us room for hope ; we never shel run out uv material for Dim- ocratic votes until she is convertid, and but few mishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her. Therfore 1 say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer ! Ther's a brite day a dawnin. Ef we are laid out agin and agin, we kin console ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it, and we kin go on hopin for the good time that must come. Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoa to run, hopin even- tooally to be glorified. Let us-still cherish the faith that even- chooally the American people will not refooze the boon we offer em, and persevere even unto the perfeck end. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and ornament for thiiiy years, triumph, and layin off the armor of actooal warfare, I sliel rest in that haven uv worn-out patriots, — a perpetooal Post OflSs, May the day be hastened .! Farewell ! Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M, (wich wuz Postmaster). **CU8SII) BE CANAAN!'* A LECTURE DELIVERED AT MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 22, 1867. We are all descended from grandfathers. Nearly a century ago the grandfathers of some of us, in convention assembled, uttered as doctrine, which they believed could not be gain- sayed, these words : " We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal ; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights : that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."' Thomas Jefferson was the particular grandfather who wrote these high-sounding words, and, as a consequence, he has been ever since hailed as the father of the only political party which never believed in them. My particular mission is to show that Jefferson was a most shallow person, which opinion of Jeffer- son is very general in the South. True, the Democracy claim him as its father ; but when we remember that the same party claim Jackson, the strangler of secession, as another father, we can easily see how that can be. We have claimed these men as ancestors only since they departed this life. Should thoy rise from the dead, and be blessed with a view of their reputed sons, particularly the branch of the family that has taken up its residence, in the city of New York, they would, I doubt not, hold up their hands in horror, and exclaim, " It's a wise father who knows his own child." It was well enough for Jefferson to assert the equality of men before there was profit in inequality ; but had he been really a prophet, he would have done no such thing. In his 629 630 HOW THE DECLARATION SHOULD READ. day Slavery was unprofitable, and, consequently, not the holy thing it has been since. The slaves were burdens instead of aids, for the planters were compelled to provide for them. The hogs ate the corn, and the negroes ate the hogs, leaving the poor owners only what they left. But happily there came a change. An ingenious Yankee invented the cotton gin, slave labor became -valuable, and, presto ! the doctrine of the equality of men was consigned to the limbo for worn-out and useless rubbish, and Jefferson went out of fashion. Had he been really desirous of being held up as the prophet of the people who afterwards claimed him as such, we should not have had the forcible sentences I have read. £Ie would have diluted them into something like this : " We hold these sup- posed truths to be tolerably self-evident, that, as a rule, all white men are created equal ; that they are endowed by their Creator with divers and sundry rights, which may be con- sidered inalienable ; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of niggers ! " It^will be observed that the two Declarations differ some- what. One is as Jefferson wrote it, and the other is the ver- sion we use at Confedrit X Roads. Jefferson was in fault in his lack of appreciation, and strange omission of the word " white." The same omission is painfully observable in all the literature of the world. I have searched faithfully the realms of poetry and history, and am compelled to acknowledge that nowhere outside of the Constitutions of certain States is the word " white " made a necessary prefix to the word " man." And against this 1 protest. Literature should conform to law, and to the great Caucasian idea. The term employed to designate responsible beings in the Constitu- tions of our States being " white male," I insist that we go through all our books, and substitute " white male " for " man " wherever the word occurs. Thus we shall make Sir Walter Scott say, — " Breathes there a white male, with soul so dead." Addison shall say, in Cato, — " When vice prevails, and impious white males bear sway, The post of honor is the private station." AND THE BIBLE. 631 111 Macbeth, the murderers shall say, — " We are white males, my liege." And Macbeth shall answer, — , " Aye, in the catalogue ye go for white males." And Othello, before the senators, — '• Sh.e swore, i' faith, 'twas stranjje — 'twas passing strange ; — 'Twas pitiful 5 'twas wondrous pitiful. She wished she had not heard it, yet she wished That Heaven had made her suoh a wliite male." But in the Bible the improvement would shine out in a clearer and stronger light. In our Caucasian — our white men's Bibles — we shall have such words as these : — 1 SamueL 13 : 14, — ' ' A white male after his own heart." 2 Samuel 12:7,— " And Nathan said unto David, Thou art the white male." Psalms 37 : 37, — " Mark the perfect white male, and behold the upright; for the end of that white male is peace." " Thou shalt love the Lord thy God, and thy white male fellow-citizen as thyself." And in the mouth of our Saviour we shall put these words : — " Suffer little white children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of sucli is the kingdom of heaven." This passage would be especially grateful to us of Kentucky, showing as it would that the distinction between the races would be kept up through all eternity. But, unfortunately, the Books do not so read. The American people, when slave 1 ibor became of value, forsook Jefferson, put the word " white " into their laws, and painted the word "nigger" on their ban- ners, which word has been a political Shibboleth ever since. It is this Nigger which we shall investigate to-night. I am the more anxious that the people shall understand the nature of this being, and the absurdity of the attempt to elevate him into manhood, for the reason that an effort to that end is agkwSmftgmade. The insane agitators, who deny the truth of Kentucky theology, are resisting us in our efforts to put him in his old place. "In the face of our desires, they insist upon 632 " NIGGER " AND NEGRO. deluging the country with Massachusetts, and making of the South a second New England, — factories, farms, churches, school-houses and all. Upon the 957th page of the Dictionary you will find the word '• negro '' defined as follows : " One of the black, woolly- headed, thick-lipped, flat-nosed race of men inhabiting Africa." The Negro of the Dictionary is not the individual of whom 1 shall speak. The Negro I know nothing about; the Nigger I have spent much time in investigating, and flatter myself I understand it thoroughly. I say it of the Nigger, and Mm of the Negro, for there is a wide difference between them. The Negro is a man, born in Africa, or descended from natives of that country ; the Nigger is an idea, which exists^ only in the imagination of persons of the haughty Caucasian race resi- dent in the United States. It is an idea which sways men, and influences their action, without having being; a myth, which influences the world, without possessing form or shape. It is possessed of many attributes, is many-sided, many-shaped, vastly endowed, and fearfully and wonderfully made. To clear up as I go, I may as well specify some of the peculiarities of the Nigger. For instancs, it is firmly believed that he could never provide for himself; but those so contending, also de- clare that the wealth of the country is dependent upon him, and that without him weeds would grow in the streets of our cities. It was asserted that he would not labor ; yet the same men undertook the large job of conquering the North, that they might continue to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He was said to be so stupid as to be incapable of receiving even the rudi- ments of an education, and yet we found it necessary, in our States, to pass stringent laws, with fearful penalties attached, to prevent him from doing it ! It was held by eloquent speakers that he would invade the North, and, as he was too indolent to work, he %vould fill our almshouses and jails ; and the same speakers would assert a moment later, with equal eloquence, that, accustomed as he always had been to labor, he would work for less pay than white men, and throw them all out of employment. This last assertion, I have noticed, was ah^ays made by gentlemen in the vicinity of bar-rooms, whose noses were solferino-hued, whose hats were crownless, and whose THE HATERS OF NIGGEU EQUALITY. 633 wives, for amusement probably, took in washing to feed the children. It is an unfortunate fact for us, that men who labor in earnest have never been afraid of the competition of the Nigger. Lower down in the scale of creation than the baboon, they were fearful he would, if not restrained by law, teach their schools, sit as judges, and be elected to Congress ; so repulsive in appearance had they painted him, with his thick lips, black face, and kinky hair, that the very thought of one would make a white damsel shudder ; neveitheiess they demanded the enactment of laws in States where women may choose their husbands unrestrained, to prevent these same white damsels from marrying them. Immeasurably beneath them in every particular, they felt called upon to perpetually cr}', " Protect us from nigger equality ! " — Aud so on. Jefferson's fault was the result of a lack of knowledge. He knew all about the Negro, but nothing about the Nigger, and it was well' for him, therefore, that he lived in the year of our Lord 1776. Had lie lived ninety years later, and enunciated the same doctrine, we should have shot him, as we did Love- joy. Were he alive now, he could not have been elected to Congress in the district represented by the Hon. John Mor- risey ! No, indeed ! The gentlemen who left their native soil because of the scarcit}' of this equality (and of potatoes), the men who would have been carpet-baggers but for the lack of carpet-bags, — those who have kindly taken charge of the politics of several of the Atlantic cities, — these men are the sharp sticklers that the distinctions between man and man which drove them from the land of their bjrth be kept up here. Their motto is, " One man is as good as another ; " but when their eyes rest upon a black man, they very properly add, "and better too!" This class have cultivated such a delightful hatred of the Nigger that they won't even drink with one, unless, indeed, the Nigger pays for the fluids. This makes some difference. And that this distinction may be kept np, we have interpolated into Jefferson's Declaration the word " white," and assert, vehemently, that both Scripture and science, of which we know much, justify the interpolation. In Kentucky, we don't take the Declaration of Independence as we do our whiskey, straight, but we sweeten it to our taste. 634 THE AFFAIR OF NOAH. We have all the passages of Scripture relating to it at our tongues' end. At the Corners, you can hear at any time those whose appearance hardly denotes erudition, whose noses blossom as the lobster, whose hair asserts impatience of re- straint by obtruding itself through the corners of their hats, whose toes manifest themselves through their ventilated shoes, and to whose perpendicularity posts are necessary, exclaim, unctuously, " And Noer planted a vineyard, and drank of the wine, and was drunken. Cussid be Canaan." Having dwelt as long as is profitable upon the attributes of this interesting being, I pass to an examination of his origin; It is found in the 9th chapter of Genesis. Tiie world, sunk in wickedness, was destroyed by a flood. But it was not the design of the Almighty to exterminate the race. I will not stop here to argue whether it would have been better to have made clean work of it or not. I was in New York a few weeks ago, and thought, perhaps, it would. Be that as it may, one family he preserved in an ark, and when the tempests that had wrought His judgments had subsided, and the puri- fied earth was again fit for the occupancy of man, this family left their floating home, and went out upon its face. The Book gives a short, though satisfactory account of what fol- lowed. Noah, six hundred years old at the time, having seen nothing but water for nearly twelve months, wanted a change. He planted a vineyard, pressed the grapes, drank the wine therefrom, and was drunken ; which was a very indiscreet per- formance for one at his age. Had he ■been a mere infant of one or two hxmdred, years, it wouldn't have been so singular, but a mature man of six hundred ought to have known better. It has always been a mystery at the Corners how Noah could become inebriated on so thin a drink as new wine. Deacon Pogram remarked that Noah wuzn't a seasoned vessel. In that condition he lay down within his tent with insufficient clothing upon him. As it was in the beginning, so it is now, and ever shall be. To this day the man who drinks will sooner or later get down with too little clothing upon him. Ham, his youngest son, saw him, and laughingly told his brethren. Shem and Japheth reproved Ham for his levity, and took their garments upon their shoulders, and going back- WHO ARE WHITE MEN. 635 ward, laid them upon him. When Noali awoke, he knew what. Ham had done, and he cursed him in these words : " Cursed be Canaan ; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren." Upon this one act of our common lather hung momentous results. That one draught of wine set in motion a succession of events that affected the fate of the greatest nation of the world, in all conceivable ways, from the election of constables to the fighting of gre^t battles. For in that cup of wine was Democracy, — then and there it was born, and tiiat cup of wine gave that party its Nigger — all the capital it ever had. The temperance people tell us that in every cup of wine there is a devil ; in this cup you will acknowledge there was a large and particularly lively one. The drinking of this wine, and the drunkenness that it pro- duced upon the inexperienced Noah, was the cause of a divis- ion of the human race into two classes, — white men and niggers. Under the head of white men, we class the red man of America, with his aquiline nose, coppery complexion, and straight hair ; the Mongolian, with his olive colored skin, black hair, and flat nose; the Caucasian, with his fair com- plexion, hair of all colors, and features of all shapes ; the Celt, with his variable features ; and — Democrats. A Democrat is counted a white man, no matter what his complexion may be ; no matter what the color of his hair — or nose. All tlie rest of the human family — and Radiciils — we set down as Niggers. To the white race we ascribe all the glory of the South — to the others nothing. This elevation of the white race, and consequent degrada- tion of the black, is justified by the few of us who read the Bible, by the sin of Ham; though, by the way, we have noth- ing to say in particular of the sin of Noah, which preceded and led to it, Noah's sin being one that we are compelled, for obvious reasons, to look upon with much leniency. To be frank, I have never believed that poor Ham was fairly dealt with. 1 have always pitied Ham. He was, doubtless, a gfeat, good-natured fellow, with a keen appreciation of the ludicrous, and was vastly amused at the condition of his sire. Drunkenness was not so common in that day as to excite dis- gust ; and as he saw the old navig?itor on his back, his face 636 THE ORIGIN OP THE NIGGER. twisted with inebriety, his snores waking the echoes, and the walls of his tent swaying from his hard breathing, he doubtless thought he had, as the slang-users of this day would say, " a good thing on the old man." But if it was a laughing matter with the foolish Ham, it was not so with the shrewd Shem and Japheth. They pierced the future. To get into the good graces of their father, they turned their backs upon his sin and folly (as we do nowadays upon the sin and folly of those from whom we want favors), and, precisely as we do, cast over his sin their garments. The only parallel to this we have in modern times occurred in Washington a few years ago. Andrew Johnson was very much in the condition of Noah upon one memorable 22d of February,' and a small army of patriots, who had assessorships, post offices, and collectorships in their eyes, made haste to cast their garments over him. But they did not succeed in cover- ing him. Noah awoke, and in the ill-humor which alwa3'^s follows excess, cursed poor Ham, and condemned his son Canaan to be the servants of his uncles forever. This was the beginning of Democracy. Drunkenness brought exposure, exposure shame, shame a curse, and thus cursed, Ham went out a Nigger. Drunkenness made Nigger, Nigger made Democracy, and the two have been running the machine ever since. We have now plainly before us the origin of the Nigger, and have, therefore, a starting point for our investigations. Here were three brothers, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, with a curse upon Ham, condemning his children to serve the others. We, the whites, claim to be the descendants of the other two, and consequently assert the right to own and work the chil- dren of our unfortunate uncle. The claim is a comfortable one. Labor is something all men dread ; and if it can be positively fixed that Noah did curse Ham, and that he spoke by authority, and that the negro is really the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants of Japheth, we have really a good thing of it. We of Kentucky have always desired to fulfil the great law of labor, as our particular friends at the North served in the army — > by substitute. One cup of wine, and a curse after it, made a difference in the history of the world. , WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. 637 How differently history would have been written had Noah started a temperance society at the beginning, or had the Maine liquor law been in operation in that country. Or had he, taken up any other branch of agriculture ! Had he planted corn instead of grapes, or gone into sheep or poultry ; had a frost blighted his grapes, or a mildew struck them, or had the screw of his press broken ; had any one of these things hap- pened, he would not have become inebriated ; Ham would not have seen him ; there would have been no curse, no Nigger, no Democracy. For who can imagine a Democracy without a Nigger to be kept in subjection ! Or, suppose that all of Ham's children had died of diphtheria ! Had any one of these things happened, the whole course of political events would have been changed. We never should have seen at political meetings in the West, wagon-loads of ancient females, with banners ovBr their venerable heads, and inscribed thereon this agonizingly touching appeal : " Fathers, protect us from negro equality ! " as though they were not old enough, as a rule, to protect them- selves. Or, this heroic declaration : " White husbands or none ! " which, taken in connection with their age and single condition, would indicate that if they had ever had offers they must have come from black men. In the East, the gentlemen who sent the Hon. John Morrisey to Congress from New York, would have been spared the crimes of arson and murder, for there would have been no nigger orphan asylums to awaken their righteous indignation ; no adult male niggers to hang to lamp posts. But as any one of these things would have changed the complexion of affairs, and prevented the unfortu- nate change in Ham's complexion, and as they did not happen, we are bound to admit that Providence intended the negro to be kept down, and in the eternal fitness of things, arranged for an organization to keep him down. This curse is the great pivotal fact upon which American politics has turned for years. But we found many difficulties in it. The first difficulty which occurred to me, is the fact that all of Ham's children did not suffer in consequence of their father's little indiscretion. It ought to have fallen upon ail alike, but it did not. Nimrod was a descendant of Ham, but he was not the servant of anybody, very much. On the 638 WEAK SPOTS. contrary, quite the reverse. He was a mighty Ininter before the Lord ; and mighty hunters have never been servjuits. The man strong enough to struggle' with the lion and to overcome the tiger, and brave enough to dare the dangers ot tiie chase for the fierce delight it aiFords, is not the man to liumbly hump his shoulders, and to a mere man say that most liatef'ul ot^all words, '' Mastei-." Besides, Nimrod built cities and established king- doms, which is not the work of servants. We were forced to the conclusion, therefore, that the curse held to Canaan only ; that Nimrod's children mingled with the sons of Shem and Japheth, and that their descendants are to-day wl:ite men. This troubles ns ; for, counting it a trufh, we were associating with those having the blood of the cursed Ham in their veins ; and besides, if one of the descendants of Ham escaped the curse, may not others got out from under it at the same place? Again; if the negroes of Africa,. from which country we procured the stock we are blessed with, are really the descendants of Canaan, the son of Ham, the curse which Noah imposed upon them lost its adhesive power for m'any centuries. The breth- ren separated, and each went about his business. I have spent sleepless nights upon this question, but I must confess that I can find no proof that Canaan, or any of his descendants, were, until a comparatively recent date, the servants oi any- body ! Can it be that the curse was as temporary in its effects as the wine that produced it? Did it evaporate with the fumes thereof? Did it pass away with Noah''s headache the next morning? Did Noah make over to Shem and Japheth property for which he had no title ? Unfortunately Shem's descendants are said to have stayed in Asia, Ham's went to Africa, and Japheth's peopled Europe. Here is the difficulty that besets me. How could Ham's de- scendants serve their- brethren, they staying in Africa, while the brethren were comfortably established in Europe and Asia? It may be answered that they went after them; but, alas! they had no need of that. The strong Shemites found enough weak Shemites to enslave without going after their cousins, and the same is true of the Japhethites.- The Tartars made servants of the Chinese, the Normans of the Saxons, and the Romans had a cheerful habit of gobbling up all the weaker peo- MORE DIFFICULTIES. 639 pie within their reach. Among these, T regret to say, were the ancestors of those before me — your fathers and mine. The curse was in existence, and had power, but someliow it was demoralized. When Noah fired it off, it missed its aim. It scattered like a poor shot-gun, and liit where he did not intend it. For in all ages of the world slavery has existed. There never has been a time when strong men were not too lazy to work ; never a time when there were not brutes and imbeciles — the two classes necessary to the sy.stem. The strong enslaved the weak witlioiit regard to Noah. They did it in a manly way, too. The enslavers did not ask the person they wished to enslave for their family record ; they did not attempt to ascertain whether or not he was descended from Canaan. Not they. If they -wanted a servant, they sought out a man weaker than they ; they knocked him down, in the old-fash- ioned way, with a club ; they beat him till the original man was pretty much pummelled out of him, and then, reduced to the condition of a beast, he was the individual they desired. Histor)' is full of these instances, and Jefferson had this kind of history in his mind when lie wrote the Declaration ; which would have been well enough had he put the word " white " in its proper place, that there might be no doubt as to his meaning. As he left it, it applies to black as well as white, and strictly construed robs us of our Nigger. We could never find any testimony in the Scriptures that the dusky sons of Africa were the descendants of Canaan; and this is another difficulty. To be a servant, as our people understand it, one ought to be an inferior ; and we held that the negro was our inferior, and ought to be our servant, be- cause of the curse. Behold the snag upon which our boat runs. Our conservative brethren oppose the conferring of any rights upon these people, because we dread the supremacy of the negro ! That sweet boon to an oppressed people, Andrew Johnson, in his annual messages, always devoted a chapter to the danger of this race taking possession of the government, and conducting it themselves ; and I am not certain but that I have seen the same fear expressed in the reports of Secretary Welles, as he said regularly whatever the 640 THE EXTENT OF THE CURSE. President has said. Seward once dwelt upon it at length, but I do not like to quote him. The distance from Abraham Lincoln to Andrew Johnson was so great, that the leap from the one to the other broke his moral back. He has never stood upright since. The friends of the race jeeringly say that if the negroes should take the government in their own handp, they hope they will conduct it to better advantage than the late President has, for if they do not, it would prove to the satisfaction of everybody that the curse was a reality, and that they are not fit, as yet, to be intrusted with political rights. Now we have in the United States four millions of these people, all told, and thirty millions of whites. It is as certain as the multiplication table that if laws are necessary to prevent them from governing us, they must be the superior and we the inferior race. If, in a clear field, the four millions can con- trol the thirty millions, it must certainly be because of the superiority of the four millions. It troubles us to reconcile this pet fear of ours with our claims of superiority. I have never been able, from the Book, to determine just how far that curse extended. Noah's words were, " Cursed be Canaan ; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren." I ask especial attention to the wording of this text, as it affords a complete justification of the practice of amalgamation, so common in the South under the old system. The Canaanites were condemned to be servants unto their brethren. Not unto the stranger, but their brethren. How, except through this, let me'ask, could the slaves of the South be brethren unto their masters ? But wo have full faith that the curse was intended to include not only Canaan, but his descendants. If it was only to cover Canaan, and was to die with him, of what use would it have been to us ? Had it died with Canaan, we of Kentucky would have been doing our own work to-day, and we might have put on its tombstone the epitaph written for the kitten which died too young : " If I was so soon to be done for, What was I begun for?" It may bo well ^ere to consider briefly the question of color, which has worried and perplexed all of us. We are white, or THE QUESTION OF COLOR. 641 copper-colored, and the negroes, such of them as stayed at the North, are black. The question is, " Why black ? " One theory is, that color is the result of climate, diet, habits of life, and other conditions, which, persevered in for many generations, will change the appearance of families of men. The people of my State know better. They ascribe it to the curse of Noah ; that Ham, being the brother of Shem and Japheth, was originally white, even as they were, but that he went out from the presence of his father with this mark of his displeasure, not only upon his face, but spread all over his body. The ver3' name to us is significant of color. The curee changed at once his physical nature, and the change took place suddenl}'. When Ham got to his room that morning, and gazed at himself in his mirror, he called, in astonishment, for Shem and Japheth, that he might be introduced to himself. Noah, when he changed Ham's style and shape, had doubt- less a glimpse of the future, and he made of him precisely the kind of man that the future required. As he was to be the menial of his brethren for all time, he considerately gave him a complexion suited to his condition ; one that would not show dirt. To further fit him for the discharge of the duties that were to be his, his nose was flattened, that it could never be turned up in scorn at anything ; his arms were elongated, his shoulders were broadened, his forehead was driven backward, and his hair, long and straight like ours, was converted into wool, that he should waste no time in dressing it, and also that we, his masters, might have a better hold for our fingers. These are the physical characteristics of the race in America, and we affirm that the negro must and ought to be a slave, because the Almighty, working through Noah, made him exactly of the shape and stjde necessary to that condition. There ma}' be a mistake here. It is possible, as I once heard a philosophical son of Ham say, that those who hold these views have been all along mistaking their own work for the Almighty's. He had the impudence to say that it was possible that when the first negro was landed upon our shores he was neither flat-nosed, long-heeled, or large-handed. He was, however, forthwith set at work grubbing land in Virginia; his nose was being continually flattened by the fist of his 41 642 THE SHAPE OF THE NIGGER. chivalrous master ; his shoulders were broadened by the bur- dens piled upon them ; his hands were widened by constant holding of the hoe, and his heel was providentially lengthened to enable him to maintain his equilibrium under the loads he was compelled to carry. Had they been shorter, he would, when overloaded, have fallen backward. His receding- fore- head he accounted for in this way : '' Of what use," said he, " would a head shaped to hold brains be to one who had no brains to hold ? and why should he have brains who has no occasion to use them?" But I noticed that this particular nigger, who had learned to read and write, had a head shaped very much like those of ordinary people of intelligence, and that his children, who could not only read and write, but cipher, were still more so. He had put out his one talent to usury, and it had become ten in his descendants. We of the South feared this. We would not fly in the face of the Lord on any account. Zealous to fulfil his word, and determined that for his glory Canaan should forever be a servant unto his brethren ; and fearful that if they should gain knowledge they might give the Lord the slip, and be their own men, we with- held knowledge from them. Piousl}'^, therefore, we enacted laws making the teaching of these foreordained slaves to read the sacred word of God a penitentiary offence. And in our determination that they should not be unfitted for their destiny, we did hang very many meddlesome Yankees who doubted it all, and proposed to do something towards elevating them above the condition of beasts. In those happy days, south of the Ohio River, it only required twenty minutes of time to arrest, try, hang, and divide the clothes of a Northern school teacher. And when one of these Noah cursed men demonstrated, by opposing the will of his master, that he had brains, the matter was pleasantly and peremptorily settled by knocking them out. A great deal of brain has been thus disposed of in the Southern States. Another trouble that besets us, is the fact that the curse remained inoperative and in abeyance for centuries after it was pronounced. The children of Ham, it is supposed,- occupied Africa all by themselves. They fell, as did their cousins in Europe and Asia, into vice ; their vices being just as much THE MATTER OF HEAT. 643 more detestable than those cultivated by their cousins as the climate of their country is hotter. Vice, like vegetation, attains its greatest perfection in hot climates. The farther south 3'ou go, the less orthodox you find mankind. Vermont, where man wrestles with Nature, and wrests a subsistence from an unwilling soil by main strength, has never faltered in her devotion to humanity. Louisiana, on the other hand, where Nature yields her treasures at the asking, is as true to the Democracy as the needle to the pole, or the Kentuckian to his whiskey : two examples of fidelity equalled by nothing else in this world. Where men find a living ready made, they have too much time upon their hands to be good. The Ten Com- mandments have but little chance where labor is unnecessary. Had South Carolina been blessed with a month of sleighing each year, she never would have passed an ordinance of seces- sion. No climate less hot than that of Mississippi could develop such a man as Jeff" Davis ; and Salisbury, Ander- sonville. Belle Isle, and General Forrest were only poSsiye where the thermometer stands at one hundred for months together. It may be, indeed it has been said by a few soldiers who survived Andersonville, that the heat in which the men I have mentioned, exist, was not meant to afi'ect the moral natures, but was intended by a kind Providence, who foreknew their destination, to prepare them, in some slight measure, for the still greater heat to which they are certain to be subjected in the future. The Japhethites harried, murdered, and plundered each other in Europe, and the Shemites fell to a still deeper depth of barbari.sm, as did our African brother. In Europe the Japhethites built large castles, and rode about upon horses, clad absurdly in cast iron, with inverted pots upori their heads, killing each other with iron spears, and the Africans were doing the same things, on a smaller scale, with spears pointed with fish-bones. i But the sons of Canaan had not been as yet introduced to the curse, unfortunately. There were slaves in Africa, but they were slaves not unto Japheth's children, but unto them- selves, precisely as the children of Shem and Japheth en- slaved men of their own race. When Ceesar conquered a 644 LOCATION. nation at war with Rome, he made slaves of his captives ; and when Gumbo Quashee, prinoe of Borriaboola Gha, led his hosts of warriors , against a neighboring king, he dragged back captives in his train, who were at once enslaved. If Gumbo met defeat, the only diiference was, he took his turn at the mill. The enslaved have always been the victims of a curse, not of the drunken Noah, but of that more terrible curse, weakness. There is another ugly point in this matter of the curse that is hardly worth referring to, but it may be as well. The fact is (and this hurts us), the Africans, the woolly-headed, thick- lipped, dark-skinned, Africans, of whom we have made slaves under the curse, are not the descendants of Canaan, upon whom the curse fell, at all. Unfortunately for us, who have risked our all upon this, the Scriptures are explicit upon this point. Canaan begat Sidon and Heth, and their descendants were the Jebusites, tlie Amorites, the Girgashites, and — sights of other tribes. The Book tells us precisely where they are located. Too lazy and shiftless to move any distance, they pre-empted the ground upon which .Jerusalem stands, their territory includ- ing those New Yorks of the old M'orld, Sodom and Gomorrah. They were not a nice people to have for nest door neighbors. They had many disagreeable habits. They were a com- pound of Brigham Young and Kidd the Pirate, and it is sup- posed that Salt Lake City and New York were modelled after their principal towns as near as may be. It will be remem- bered that these two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, came to a sudden end. Notwithstanding the love I bear the metropolis, because of its politics, the reading of the account of the destruction of these cities, and knowing that wliat has been may, for the same cause, occur again, has deterred me from investing very largely in real estate in New York. But these Canaanites did not go to Africa ; they stayed in Asia ; and as we have been enslaving only Africans, it is clear that there has been a mis- take somewhere, and that we have been innocently enslaving the wrong race all this time. You all remember the venerable story of the tub. An old woman brought suit once upon a time WHY THE CURSE WAS BELIEVED IN. 645 for the value of a tub which she had loaned, and which had been returned to her piece by piece, the hoops having all dropped off. The defence set up by the borrower was com- prehensive. First, and to begin with, the defendant never borrowed the tub. Secondly, she returned it with the hoops all'on, and, thirdly, the plaintiff never had a tub. It is abont so with tliis pet curse of ours. It wasn't good for much at best, it didn't stick to the people at whom it was levelled, and the Africans, upon whose shoulders we have piled it, are not Canaanites. Our ancestors did not believ,^ this, however. They believed in this curse, with the cliild- like simplicity of a pawnbroker. It is very easy for us to believe in anything that holds out promise of personal benefit. Men whose love for gain cannot be satisfied with six days of labor, very generally question the sanctity of the Sabbath ; and we all insist that laws shall be made to fit our desires, rather than to bring our desires to fit laws. These ancestors of ours were a greedy set. They hungered after a life of no labor, and they believed, therefore, that the Lord directed Columbus across the untried waste of waters that rolled between Spain and America solely that this long retired and almost forgotten curse might be revived and put in force. It had been a failure thus far ; but as they looked out upon the new world, and saw how magnificently they could live, if they could only get their labor for nothing, their faith in it revived. They found here field and forest, gold and water, everything but labor. The emigrant might, it is true, have done the labor himself, but then this cherished curse of ours would have been still floating around the world, like the dove of the eminent naviga- tor who uttered it, with no place to rest the sole of its foot. Besides, they did not want to do the labor. The first settlors of Virginia, from whom the chivalry of that State claim descent, never labored at home, and why should they here ? The settlers of Carolina were men to whom labor was as distasteful as it has ever been to their descendants. The negro was precisely what they wanted. The original decree was, " In the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread." They were determined that the decree should be fulfilled, but they wanted the dividing of it. 646 ITS CONVENIENCE. They were perfectly willing to do the eating, but they wanted the negro to do the sweating ; and had he been content with this division of the decree, all would have been smooth to-day. They prayed, " Give us this day our daily bread ; " but they added to the petition, " and furnish us a nigger to feed it to us." Of course they believe in the curse. The planter on the banks of the James felt the convenience of an arrangement which would obviate the first curse of labor, by a second curse ; of having the sin brought into the world through the agency of the apple, done away with by another sin which had its origin in the grape. They found it a blessed thing to have a being rich in muscle to perform their share of the penalty of the first curse, giving them wasteful sximmers at Saratoga, and ample time and means for the cultivation of the Southern Christian graces — gam- bling, horse-racing, pistol-shooting, and the like. It was a glo- rious life they led ! Did the proud Caucasian master have an ill run of luck at cards ? a nigger on the block made it all right the next morning. Did madam, his wife, mourn, and refuse to be comforted, because a thousand dollar shawl was not? the matter was easily arranged. The tearing apart of a husband and wife, and the sale of one ; the condenming of a quadroon of her own sex to a life of shame, was all that was necessary. Did they desire to entertain their friends sumptu- ously ? Why should they not ? There was no sordid counting of cost, as it was farther North ; for were there not niggers to sweat? Virginia hospitality was celebrated. Vermont hospitality might have been, had Vermont fostered this curse, and partaken of its benefits. It's easy enough to be hospitable with a hundred negroes, more or less, sweating for you gratis. We did not invent reapers or sewing machines, for we didn't need them. Flesh and blood was to be bought in any market, and it was cheaper than iron and steel. We down South were happily circumstanced. We had black slaves at home to do our labor, and white serfs up North, just as humble, to do our voting. Nature kindly furnished us a race white enough to vote, und low enough to be owned. THE ATTEMPT TO KILL THE CUESE. 647 Interpreting the curse to include all Africa, our pious fathers set about bringing as many of its inhabitants as possible under its operations. They sent out missionaries, whom a censorious world was wicked enough to stigmatize as pirates and slavers, clad in red shirts, with pistol at belt and cutlass by side, bearded like pards, and full of strong oaths. These evange.- lizers, full of zeal and rum, -sailed up the rivers of Africa, and surprised villages of these accursed people, killing the accursed men and women too old to work, and the accursed children too young to work, but selecting out carefully the able-bodied ones of both sexes. Packing these in the holds of their vessels like herrings, they turned their prows homeward, throwing overboard, from day to day, the bodies of those who had so little regard for the curse of Noah as to die on the way to the fulfilment thereof. And so at last the curse was fulfilled. On the cotton plantations, in the rice swamps, in the cane and tobacco fields, the supposed sons of Ham toiled on, expiating the stupidity of their supposed father, who, a great many centuries before, hadn't any more sense than to look in upon his father when he was drunk. But just as this convenient and comfortable curse got into good working order it was killed. Abraham Lincoln smote it under the fifth rib, and it died the death. The nation, in deadly peril, called upon our black cousitis to aid in its deliverance, and it gave up the ghost. The sons of Ham, inferior as they were in all other respects, were discovered to be able to pull a trigger or push a bayonet with anybody, and to the astonishment of those who stood before them, they had the will to do it. They dared to stand in battle array before the chivalry of the South. We very soon accounted, for the daring. When Lincoln put the musket in the hands of the Southern negroes, it was Greek against Greek, brother against brother. The blood of the old cavaliers, which gave courage and daring ■ to the Beauregards, Lees, Masons, and Hamptons, made cavaliers also of Scipio, Pompey, and Caesar, their half-brothers; and why not. The Federals turned against the Confederates twenty thousand men having the best blood of the South 64:8 THE AUDACITY OP THE CANANITES. coursing through their veins, and inspiring them to h^gh chivalrous deeds. Then the struggle became literally fratricidal. Anotlier thing made theBe.f'ellows fight. They had treasured up that old , saying of Jefferson, and they rejoiced when the firing upon Sumter gave them promise of the glad day when it should be a reality. When they were satisfied that the nation was really divorced from slaver}', they flew to arms to prove themselves worthy of the future they hoped for. We must confess that they fought bravely and died grandly. ' The swart hero in the death-trap at Petersburg, on the plain at Port Hudson, and in the enclosure at Fort Pillow, showed an example of heroism that any people might be proud of The slave who remained on the plantation, who risked life to feed, nurse, and guide the flying fugitive from Andersonville, showed a devotion the like of which the world never witnessed before. We of the South were whipped, and by their aid. I do not say that we would not have been beaten bad they not thrown themselves into the breach, but it was done the easier because of them. They stopped bullets at least. The bullet that let out the life of tiie negro soldier at Nasiiviile, might, had he not stood in its way, made life-long sadness in your home ; and many a son of a Northern mother who came home laurel crowned, owes his life to the unknown black man who' lies in an unhonored grave upon the fields from which he plucked honor. These poor deluded Canaanites, as we shall term them, be- lieved that they had earned 'their promotion to a higher rank, and reallj' expected it. But we knew better. Down in Kentucky we held a con- Bultation on this very question. That blessed saint and keen observer of men, Deacon Pogram, remarked sagely, " that men and women was the most ungrateful members of the human family." Said he further on this head, " The sense of gratitood the Fedrals feel will die out with the peals of the bells which celebrate the viotrys the nigger allies helped to win. They endured the nigger because they needed him ; but now, thank the Lord, they don't need him no more, and, halleloogy, he'll be the same cussed nigger he alluz wuz." I use the Deacon's exact words. THEIR INGRATITUDE. 649 He was right. The wholesome prejudice against color swallowed up gratitude, and the pride of race swallowed jus- tice. The negro stepped one foot upon the threshold of the Tem- ple of Liberty, but we rudely pushed bim back. They wanted not only freedom, but the elective franchi-se, the ungrateful wretches not being satisfied with what we had given thein. They had been provided for generously. We of tlie South accepted the situation, and acltnowledged their freedom, but we felt that it was necessary that they be regulated. And so we decreed that they should not leave the plantations on which they were employed without passes from their emploj'- «rs, under penalty of being shot at sight. They should have the riglit of suing any one — of their own color — if they could give white bail for costs; and liere was a privilege — they were to have tlie uiirestrictod riglit of being sued the same as white men. They should m.t purchase or lease real estate outside of any incorporated city or village ; and as large bodies of them were considered dangerous, they should not purchase or lease. real estate within any incoiporated city or village. As we. fixed their wages at ibur dollars per month, they boarding themselves, these laws relating to the purchase of real estate might seem unnecessary. But we wanted to be on the safe side. And we proposed to give them the ballot, in time. Of other men we required no preparation, but we felt it necessary of these. We only required them to pass a creditable examination in Greek, Latin, embroidery, French, German, and double-entry book- keeping, and to facilitate their acquiring these branches we burned all their school-houses. These regulations were made in Mississippi. In my State of Kentucky it was not necessary to do anything in the matter, for Kentucky did not rebel. We preserved a strict neutrality. That estimable pillar in the Church at the Corners, Elder Gavitt, who has since gone to his reward, remarked that " no one cood be more nootraller than he was." He loyally stayed at home all day, and bixshwhacked Federal pickets all night, and after battles he robbed the dead and wounded of both sides impartially. For thus remaining neutral we have l>eeu per- mitted to manage our 'niggers in our own way. 650 THE CURSE ABANDONED. The curse was by this time abandoned, but the hankering after cheap labor remained. We found at once a new reason for degrading this race — a new theory for keeping them down. We discovered, just in the nick of time, that they' were not men at all. And this suited our friends of the North. They had always objected to the theory that the ne- gro was a man, and that he was enslaved because of his infe- riority. They murmured to themselves, " If the stronger shall own the weaker, if the intellectually superior shall hoM in slavery the intellectually inferior, God help us! We might as well select our masters at once." When Lee surrendered at Appomattox Court House, we felt that all was gone. We felt as grateful, as men of our stamp could feel, that our lives were not forfeit, that we bad yet our property, save and except our niggers. But this feeling wore off. Andrew Johnson became suddenly tired of the r81e of Moses, or rather he changed his Israelites. He led the aston- ished Africans into the Red Sea, and left them there ; and putting himself at the head of their Egyptian pursuers, he pulled them out of the troubled waters they had fallen into. We were not slow to take advantage of this changed condition of affairs. There is a modesty in the Southern character, but it does not crop out very much. We began to talk oi our rights ; our niggers, and our system. We felt that all was not lost so much as it had been. True, they were free, but had we not legislatures ? Congress, in its wisdom, left them in our hands after all. They could " vote by law, and by law some of us could not ; but what of law, so long as we had the executing of it? We were admitted to the Georgia legislature, and we at once expelled enough of our black imemies to give us the control of that body. Elsewhere force — the rifle, the pistol, tlie knife — gave us the control we wanted, and by a liberal use of these peculiarly Southern agencies, the doomed sons of Canaan were practically as far from freedom as ever. They were by law competent to vote in Louisiana, but of what avail to them was that privilege so long as the power was iu the hands of our people, who by force controlled one election, that they might use the power thus gained to disfranchise them forever, and reduce them to the old status ? THE NEGRO >0T A. MAN. 651 It was jiecessary to satisfy ouv friends of the North that we were right in this matter. We had no trouble to do it. Our learned men measured their arms, legSj hands, and skulls, and finding' a difference, held it was right and proper that all polit- ical rights be denied tliem. Smelling committees 4were ap- pointed, who discovered that the nigger was possessed of an odor not perceptible in the white, and forthwith that odor took the entire conservative part of the people by the nose, and led them at its own sweet will. It was not as agreeable as Night- blooming Cereus, and it was decided that therefore he ougiit not to vote. His color was next critically considered, and io a new light. It was not like ours; and should a man presume to exercise the- rights of 'freemen whose complexion rivalled charcoal ? Their heels protruded more than ours, and there- fore they must be deprived of all privileges save that of liv- ing, and that only by sufferance. This rule we find to be weak in some respects. The first objection that occurs to me to this method of de- termining a man's qualifications for the exercise of the great privilege of a freeman is the uncertainty of its application. We will suppose a white man to have arms, legs, and skull, of the average negro shape and measurement ; does that unfit him for the ballot ? We must admit this, if these measure- ments are to be the test. Or, suppose, from inattention to personal cleanliness, he should carry with him an odor unpleas- ant to persons of refined sensibilities, would that unfit him? The adoption of this rule would require boards of election to smell of each elector who offered a ballot ; and that there might be uniformity in the matter, which is necessary in a republic, the government would be forced to establish a bureau of per- fumery. Ignorance we. would urge as a disqualification ; but alas, we have a most excellent reason for sailing clear of that. A very large per cent, of those who oppose giving the ballot to the negroes, because of their ignorance, put a cross to their names when they sign a promissory note, and accomplish that simple feat with much difficulty and running out of tongue. Fielding, the great English novelist, gave us a moat amus- ing picture of a terror occasioned in a small English village on 652 THE TROUBLES ENCOUNTERED. the coast, by a rumor that the French had landed. at a time when the pugnacious Gauls were threatening an invasion of that country. At the grated window of a debtor's prison ap- pears the face of a person who had been incarcerated for many years for a debt which he could never hope to pay, and whose imprisonment was therefore like to be perpetual. With an ex- pression of the most earnest indignation upon his faded face, he exclaims, from behind the bars, " Zounds ! are the French coming to deprive us of our liberties?" Even so. I must admit that the men who tremble the most for their country, when they contemplate the ignorant negro possessing the ballot, are those who cannot read, and the pat- riot who sells his vote for a drink of rum, is the identical fel- low who talks the loudest of the danger of giving the ballot to a mass of people whose votes can be so easily influenced. Several other reasons prevented us from making all that we hoped for out of the ignorance of the negroes, particularly of the South. Did we point to the ignorant field hand, and ask triumphantly if such as he was fit to vote ? Forthwith our opponents held up. as an offset, the degraded brutes cf our Northern cities. Did we point to the vicious negroes? They could and did point to the roughs of New York, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. And they rather troubled us when they as- serted that the ballot in the hands of ignorant white men was just as dangerous as in the hands of ignorant black men ; that the ballot, ignorantly or viciously cast, is what hurts us, not the color of the man who casts it. They asserted that he who says " Stand off" to the colored man because he cannot read his ballot, ought to say " Stand off" to the white man equally ignorant. There is no denying this. "Were intelligence made the test, it would scarcely be worth while to open polls in half the districts of New York city, and one fourth of our entire strength would fade out like frost under a May sun. Finally we adopted as ground upon which we could stand, the theory that there were many creations instead of one ; that Adam was not the Simon pure, original man ; that the nigger is a different being altogether from us — a beast, a sort of superior baboon ; and being a beast, that we have the right to own and work him, as we have the horse or ox. THE BEAST THEORY. 653 This position seemed to many of us impregnable ; but it didn't stand a minute. Miscegenation or amalgamation knocked the support out from under us. Up stepped a pert abolition- ist, and asked, " What will you do with the mulatto — he who is half man and half beast? And here is a difficulty. If we count them as beasts, we do the man that is in them injustice ? If we count them as men, we profane manhood, by elevating with it the lower creation. And when such a one dies, what then ? Does the man half, for which Christ died, claiming its inheritance in his blood, go into the next world on an equality with us, dragging with it the half that is beast? Or should there be ever so slight a preponderance of beast, does the hybrid topple over in a lop- sided waj^ into the limbo for departed animals, dragging with it the half that is man? If so, 0, my Kentucky friends, how much of Kentuck}' soiil and Kentucky spirit is there in that limbo, held in solution by the animal surroundings into which your gross sensuality has condemned it ? That unmitigated wretch, Joe Bigler, it will be remembered, reproached that old saint. Deacon Pogram, for walloping one of these -nearly white negroes who had the Pogram nose. " Deacon," said he, " liow kin yoo bear to thrash so much Po- gram for the sake of walloping so little nigger? " Another ob- jection to this theory is the fact, that while treating them as beasts in the matter of voting, we treat them very much like men in the matter of tax-paying. I have known men who grew furious at the idea of being jostled at the polls b}' a negro, do violence to the theory lay standing side by side, quietly and without a murmur, with a very black one in the rush to pay taxes at the treasurer's of3Sce ! And during the late unpleasantness, what pian of all our people object- ed to having the name of the blackest and most offensive negro in his township or ward written jnst before his own on the draft enrolment? That was what hurt us, for during its continuance we heard nothing of this hatred of race. The nigger of 1861, when we didn't want him, softened down won- drously into the " colored man " in 1863, when we did want him. The negro's face, black aS it was, looked well to our friends of the North under a blue cap, and he was a very 654 THE COWARDICE OF THE REPUBLICANS. Apollo in their eyes when they wanted their quotas filled. O.urs was a white man's government ; but -^e were all won- drous willing that black men should die for it in our stead. If I remember aright, I have, in the course of these re- marks, referred to the Democracy once or twice. I cannot avoid making mention of their competitors, the Republican party, and here acknowledging the assistance it has been to us. In 1856 that party got hold of an idea that for many years was too large for it. They grasped it by the tail, and they have been trying to manage it from that end ever since until this minute. They never dared to look it in the face. The crusade upon siav.ery, squarely made years ago by Wen- dell Phillips, Lovejoy, Garrison, Giddings, and the few terrible agitators who were bent upon turning the world upside down, which they did, was entered into by those who followed them afar off, only when they were compelled to. And how I'eeble their assent ! They endeavored not to pierce its centre, its weakest point, but to flank it. They commenced the movement against it by declaring, tlieir willingness that it should continue to exist in the States — that the slave-pens, under the shadow of the Capitol at Washington, should continue to show forth the beauties of a republican form of government, and that they themselves, free men, should continue to be used as bloodhounds, with United States marshals to set tliem on, to hunt down the fugitives from bondage. They made haste to announce in advance their determination not to interfere with it wiiere it existed, and they never did till they were com- pelled to. They frittered away the first two years of the war before they were manly enouglr to tie themselves to what they believed to be a truth, and permit it to drag them to vic- tory. Forced by circumstances they could not control, they mustered up courage at last to declare the only friends they had in the South free : but what followed ? They started in affright at the spectre they had raised. The Republican party was brave enough to face the armies of the rebellion, but it was not brave enough to face a prejudice. From the close of the war up to this winter, in the very flush of the victories they had won by the aid of the strong hands of their black allies, they coolly betrayed them. So magnanimous were they, A PHILOSOPHICAL TRUTH. 655 SO generous were they to their enemies, that they forgot their friends. They gave us, their late master;*, the right to dis- franchise them at any time. The}' gave Southern legislatures the power to reduce them again to serfdom, and even those in the Northern States were denied their rights. How much these foolisli people have made by tiieir motion, how much they have of safety, how much of the rights they have earned, how much they have of citizenship, let Memphis, New Orleans, and the Georgia legislature answer. The Republican party lacked the courage, and we knew it would, to follow to its logical conclusion the idea upon which it was based. Too many of its members shuddered at the Nigger as soon as the Nigger was of no use to them. And there is a reason for this. It is a soothing thought to too many men that there is somebody lower down in the scale of humanity than themselves. Such men have an uncontrollable desire to look down upon some- body, and hence their desire to keep the negro down, as that is the only portion of the race they can, with anj^ show of truth, claim to be above. And feeling the danger of his ris- ing above them if let alone, they seek to keep him down b}'' piling upon his head the dead weight of unfriendly legislation. It is a philosophical truth this. The more despicable the man, the more anxious he is to have it understood that somebody is lower still. The most ardent defenders of slavery eight j'ears ago were those who hadn't a particle of interest in it, — those who, if negroes had been selling at five cents apiece, could not have raised money enough to have purchased the paring of one's finger nail ; and to-day those most bitterly opposed to Nigger suffrage are those whose stolid ignorance and inwrought brutality makes any attempt at further degmdation a hopeless task. They can be got lower — by digging a hole. How shall we dispose of the negro. He was ever a disturb- ing element in American politics, and ever will be so long as left in the position he has occupied. The curse theory is worthless, and the beast theory leaks like a sieve. If there ever was anything in the curse it has all faded out, and if he is not a man, he is a most excellent imitation. We have aban- doned the Nasbyan theory, and have fallen back upon Jeff'er- 656 WHAT TO DO. son. Now that the government is in a transition state, now that we can make of it what we will, suppose that we rebuild upon a safe and sure foundation. Suppose we overhaul the laws of the country, and strike out the word " white," leav- ing standing alone -the all-sufficient word man. We are trying now the experiment of being a genuine republic. Suppose that there may be no longer a dispute upon this head, that we insist upon incorporating into the Constitution — the supreme law of the land — the Jeflfersonian Declaration, that all men are equal. I want, and insist upon it, that the Declaration of Independence shall be no longer a " glittering generality," as that meanest of all mean things God ever created, a Massa- chusetts pro-slavery man, once said, but a living, robust truth, possessed of as much vitality as any other truth which has blessed the world. Wliat stands in the way ? Prejudice ! Only this, and noth- ing more, and that may be overcome. New England did it, and New York, years ago, took one step in that direction. In New York, the negro who owns a mule worth two hundred and fifty dollars, votes, no matter what his other qualifications may be, while he who lacks that, does not, no matter how well he is fitted for the exercise of the right in other respects. This is not well, but it is something. By this rule the mule votes, not the man ; and the late election in that State shows tlie mules to have been largely in the majority. Until this principle is adopted our republic is no republic, and our boasted freedom is a hollow sham. We must have no more of this inequality. We must make all men before the law equal. We must not leave the rights of a single citizen in the hands of timid legislatures, interested oligarchies, and ex-slave- holders. The rights of the negro must be secured by law, above the reach of tsx-slaveholders ; men who, to live a life of luxurious idleness, would garrote the Goddess of Liberty for the white robe.s sire wears. We must make him not only free in name, but in reality, and must give him that potent weapon, the ballot, that he may maintain and defend his free- dom. I want all distinctions based upon color wiped out in all the States. T want all the rbots of this bitterness eradi- ciited. I want the great principle upon which a republic NEGROES IN OFFICE. 657 should be founded incorporated into the Constitution. If, now that it can be done, we do less than this, we are cowards and faithless men. I want them to have all privileges enjoyed by other classes. " Do you want niggers in office ? " shudderingly asks the member of Congress, who sees in his mind's eye one sitting beside him. I answer, " Certainly, if the people desire it, not otherwise ; " and they are a part of the people. I have no particular care in the matter ; I only insist that they shall be eligible. Whether they are elected to official position or not, is something that is entirely within your control. If you return a man a horse that is his, it does not follow that you must give him also silver- plated harness and a carriage. If you pay a debt, it does not follow that you must likewise marry into the family of your creditor. You have in this city an overwhelming .majority of whites — it is for you to choose. Where they have a majority, I presume they will do as we have done — elect men of their own race ; and I should advise them to. But there is no law to compel you to elect black men, or men of any other color, to official position. You have a right to vote for whom you please. I am not certain but that the good of the public would be subserved by substituting some negroes I know of for some white officials. For instance, were I a citizen of New York, I would most gladly exchange John Morrisey for Frederick Douglass, and rather than spoil the trade, I would throw in Fernando Wood and his brother Ben, and esteem the bargain a most excellent one at that. But our conservative friends do not so see it. " My God ! " said one of them, with horror in his countenance, " think of my being tried afore a nigger jury for hoss-stealin ! " The people elect, or ought to elect, men to office to serve them. If you desire whitewashing done, do you look at the color of the artist to whom you intrust the purifying of your walls and ceilings ? No ; you select the man who has ^he most skill. Why not so in official positions ? If you have among you negroes who have ability superior to the whites, if you have those who can better fill the offices, you as tax-payers, do yourselves gross injustice by not electing them. It does not follow that vou must therefore take them to your bosoms "42 658 "MAN." as social equals. You have, under the Constitution of the United States, the blessed privilege of choosing your own associations. We do not care to associate with all white men, but all white men vote nevertheless. I would not make them superior to the white. I Avould do nothing more for them than I would for other men. But I would, not prevent them from doing for themselves. I would tear down all bars to their advancement. I would let them make of tliemselves all that they may. In a republic there should be no avenue to honor or well-doing closed to any man. If they outstrip me in the race, it proves them to be more worthy, and they are clearly entitled to the advantages re- sulting. There is no reason for this inequalitj'. Knowing how deep the prejudice is against the race, knowing how low down in our very natures its roots have struck, I demand, in our renewed and purified republic, the abrogation of all laws discriminating against them. I demand for them full equality with us before the law. Come what may, let it lead to what it. will, this demand I make. I make it as a worshipper of true Democracy ; as one who believes in the divine right of man — not white man, red man, or black man, but man, to self- government. I make it as one who will be free himself; and that he may be free himself, would have all others free. I demand it, not as a gracious gift to the colored man of somes thing we might, if expedient, withhold, not as a right he has earned by service done, but humbly, and with shame in my face at the wrong we have done, I would give it him as returning a right that was always his; a right to which he has a patent from God Almighty; a riglit that we had taken from him by brute force, and the taking of which by us was almost the unpardonable sin. I demand it, for until It is done our boasted freedom is a sham, and our pretence of republicanism a miserable lie. I demand it, for I would have no privileged classes in this government, for fear that some day my children may by force be deprived of the rights I enjoy by a class arrogating to themselves superiority. I demand it, because I believe governments were instituted on earth for the protection of the weak against the strong, and that in a republic the ballot is the weak man's only ALL MEN CREATED EQUAL. , 659 protection. I demand it, because we cannot afford to give the lie to our professions ; because we cannot afford to say to the world one thing and do another. What shall we do with the negro? Do by him what en- lightened Christianity commands us to do to all. Let us square our action in this, as in all other matters, by that sublime pre- cept, " Do unto others as ye would have others do unto you." Casting behind us, as unworthy of a moment's serious con- sideration, the miserable sophistries of the false teachers who have well nigh ruined the republic, let us dare to do right. Let us declare and crystalize our Declaration into unchange- able laws, that under the flag all men shall be men. Let us build an altar, the foundation of which shall be Reason, the topstone Justice, and laying thereon our prejudices, let them be consumed in the steady, pure flame of Humanity. The smell of that sacrifice will be a sweeter savor to the Father of all races than any since Abel's. Let us raise ourselves from the low, dead, flat plane of self-interest, and demonstrate our strength, not by trampling iipon the defenceless heads of those weaker and lower than ourselves, but bj'^ lifting them up to us. And then, when the flag has under its shadow only free men, when all men are recognized as men, we can look the world in the face, and repeat without a blush that grand old Declara- tion, that Magna Charta of human rights, that Evangel of Humanity : " We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal ; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights ; that among these are life, lib- erty, and the pursuit of happiness." « THE STBUOOLES OF A CONSERVATIVE WITH THE WOMAN QUESTION." A LECTURE DELIVEEED IN MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 16, 1868. I AM by nature a Conservative, for I was born one. In my infancy I was rocked in an old-fashioned cradle, for my parents would have nothing whatever to do with new-fashioned gim- cracks on springs. Whatever they used must be that which had the sanction of years. When my infantile stomach was agonized, I was soothed with Godfrey's Cordial. At the be- ginning, paregoric was the favorite anodyne ; but my mother one day happening to discover in a household book that her grandmother used Godfrey's Cordial, that was immediately substituted as being undoubtedly the best. Godfrey's Cordial was counted the most efficacious, because the bottles which contained it were quaint and old-fashioned, and the labels were printed in the characters and upon the paper used a century ago. It was good enough for the stomachs of my ancestors, and why not for mine ? It has been ever since a rule in our family that it is better for babies to die witli Godfrey's Cordial than to live with any other remedy. One brother of mine, whose head differed in shape from the others of the family, in being largest in front of the ears, suggested that the world had progressed since Godfrey's day, and that possibly science had produced a better combination. He was ordered to leave the house instantly. As a rebuke to him, my infant sister was given a double dose of Godfrey, and my father prayed earnest- ly against innovators and presumptuous men, and erased his 660 THE ANCIENTS. 661 name from the family Bible. The little sister died before morning ; my brother went away and invented an improve- ment ill steam engines, thus fiendishly inflicting a stab at the horse interest. Bnt I cannot dwell upon family matters. I have much to say, and Hfe is short and uncertain. I know that's so, for a life insurance man told me so }'esterday. I grew up with reverence for everything old. I ain not the man who caught hold of the coat-tail of Progress, and yelled '•' Whoa ! " 1 do not believe there ever was such a man. Prog- ress does not wear a coat ; he rushes by in his shirt sleeves ; and, besides, your true Conservative, of whom I am which, never gets awake in time to see Progress whistle by. I never think, for there's no necessity for thinking. All the trouble the world has ever seen has proceeded from pestiferous thinkers. I am content that men who departed this life some centuries ago, and were decently buried, and had their obitu- aries published in the newspapers, and their tombstones erect- ed, with as many virtues cut upon them as their administrators had money to pay for — I am content that these men, deceased as they are, should do my thinking for me. I study these men, and take their action as safe precedent to follow. With such men as I am, the thing that has been done is the right thing to do ; and the thing that has never been done, must therefore never be done. We have a poor opinion of ourselves. We, of the United States, believe that all the wisdom of the country died with the last member of the Continental Congress, and that our only hope is in following xilosely in the footsteps of the members of that body. Therefore we opposed the abolition of slavery, because they left us slavery. We opposed all attempts to sup- press intemperance, because intemperance was ; and such of us as professed Christianity, opposed Sunday schools, because Paul was not a superintendent of one, and because we could nowhere find it recorded that Luke had a Bible, or Martha an infant class. Irreverent men, it is true, puzzle our Christian Conservatives, by insisting that if all old things are good things, then we must all rush into murder, that cheerful vice being almost con- temporary with creation. 662 WHAT COULD WE HAVE DONE WITHOUT WOMAN? But we do not allow that to shake us. Conservatives are not, as a rule, logicians. They have an anchor in precedent, which holds them fast, while logic is a ship that sails out into unexplored seas. By doing only that which has been done, we hold fast to our ancestors ; and if they were not respectable people, who were ? I adore woman. 1 recognize the importance of the sex, and lay at its feet my humble tribute. But for woman, where would we have been '? Who in our infancy washed our faces, fed us soothing syrup, and taught us " How doth the little busy bee ? " Woman ! To whom did we give red apples in our boyhood ? for whom did we part our hair behind, and wear No. 7 boots when No. lO's would have been more comfortable ? and WITH WHOM did we sit up nights, in the hair-oil period ol our existence ? And finally, whom did we marry ? But for woman what would the novelists have done? What would have become of Sylvanus Cobb, Jr., if he had had no women to make heroines of? And without Sylvanus Cobb, Bonner could not have made the Ledger a success ; Everett would be remembered not as the man who wrote for the Ledger, but merely as an orator and statesman ; Beecher never would have written Norwood, and Dexter might to-day have been chafing under the collar in a dray ! But for woman George Washing- ton would not have been the father of his country, the Sun- day school teachers would have been short the affecting story of the little hatchet and the cherry tree, and half the babies in the country would have been named after some one else. Possibly they might have all been Smiths. But for woman Andrew Johnson never would have been, and future genera- tions would have lost the most awful example of depravity the world has ever seen. I adore woman, but I want her to keep her place. I don't want woman to be the coming man ! In considering this woman question I occupy "the Conservar tive standpoint. I find that from the most gray-headed times one half of the human race have lived and moved by the grace and favor of the other half From the beginning woman has occupied a dependent position, and has been only what man has made her. The Turks, logical fellows, denied her a soul, and made of her an object of barter and sale ; the American A BIBLICAL STATEMENT. 663 Indians made of her a beast of burden. In America, since we extended the area of civilization by butchering the Indians, we have copied both. In the higher walks of life she is a toy to be played with, and is bought and sold ; in the lower strata she bears the burdens and does the drudgery of servants, with- out the ameliorating conditions that make other servitude tolerable and possible to be borne. But I am sure that her present condition is her proper condition, for it always has been so. Adam subjugated Eve at the beginning, and following pre- cedent Cain subjugated his wife. Mrs. Cain, not being an original thinker, imitated her mother-in-law, who probably lived with them, and made it warm for her, as is the custom of mothers-in-law, and the precedent being established, it has been so ever since. I reject with scorn the idea advanced by a schoolmistress, that Eve was an inferior woman, and therefore submitted ; and that Eve's being an inferior woman was no reason for classing all her daughters with her. " Had I been Eve," she remarked, " I would have made a different prece- dent ! " and I rather think she would. The first record we have of man and woman is in the first chapter of Genesis. " So God created man in his own image. And he made man of the dust of the earth." In the second chapter we have a record of the making of woman by taking a rib from man. Man, it will be observed, was created first, showing conclusively that he was intended to take precedence of woman. This woman, to whom I referred a moment since, denied the correctness of the conclusion. Man was made first, woman afterwards, ^ isn't it reasonable to suppose that the last creation was the best? "If there is anything in being first," she continued, "man must acknowledge the supremacy of the goose, for the fowl is first mentioned." And she argued further: " Man was made of the dust of the earth, the lowest form of matter; woman was made of man, the highest and most perfect form. It is clear that woman must be the better, for she was made of better material ! " But, of course, I look upon this as mere sophistry. I attempted to trace the relative condition of the sexes from the creation down to the fall of man, but the Bible is silent 664 EVE. upon the subject, and the files of the newspapers of the period were doubtless all destroyed in the flood. I have not been able to find that any have been preserved in the public libra- ries of the country. But it is to be presumed that they lived upon precisely the terms that they do now. I shall assume that Eve was merely the domestic servant of Adam — that she rose in the morning, careful not to disturb his slum- bers — that she cooked his breakfast, called him aifectionately when it was quite ready, waited upon him at table, arranged his shaving implements ready to his hand, saw him properly dressed — after which she washed the dishes, and amused her- self darning his torn fig leaves till the time arrived to prepare dinner, and so on till nightfall, after which time she impi-oved her mind, and, before master Cain was born, slept. She did not even keep a kitchen girl ; at least I find no record of any- thing of the kind. Probably at that time the emigration from Ireland was setting in other directions, and help was hard to get. That she was a good wife and a contented one 1 do not doubt. I find no record in the Scriptures of her throwing tea-pots, or chairs, or brooms, or anything of the sort at Adam's head, nor is it put down that at any time she intimated a de- sire for a divorce, which proves conclusively that the Garden of Eden was not located in the State of Indiana. But I judge that Adam was a good, kind husband. He did not go ito his club at night, for, as near as I can learn, he had no club. His son Cain had one, however, as his other son, Abel, discovered. I am certain that he did not insist on smoking cigars in the back parlor, making the curtains smell. I do not know that these things are so; but as mankind does to-day what man- kind did centuries ago, it is reasonable to assume, when we don't know anything about it, that what is done to-day was done centuries ago. The bulk of mankind have learned noth- ing since Adam's time. Eve's duties were not as trying as those piled upon her daughters. As compared with the fashion- able women of to-day, her lot was less perplexing. Society was not so exacting in her time. She had no calls to make, or parties to give and attend. Her toilet was much simpler, and did not require the entire resources of her intellect. If her situation is compared with that of the wives of poorer INTELLECTUAL POWER. 665 men, it will be found to be better. They had no meat to dress, flour to itnead, or bread to bake. The trees bore fruit, which were to be had for the picking ; and as tliey were strict vegeta- rians, it suflBced. I have wished that her taste in fruit had been more easily satisfied, for her unfortunate ci-aving after one particular variety brought me into trouble. But I have forgiven her. I shall never reproach her for this. She is dead, alas ! and let her one fault lie undisturbed in the grave with her. It is well that Eve died when she did.. It would have brokeu her heart had she lived to see how the most of her family turned out. I insist, however, that what labor of a domestic nature was done, she did. She picked the fruit, pared it and stewed it, like a dutiful wife. She was no strong-minded female, and never got out of her legitimate sphere. I have searclied tlie book of Oenesis taithf'ully, and I defy any one to find it re- corded therein that Eve ever made a public speech, or expressed any desire to preach, practise law or medicine, or sit in the legislature of her native State. What a crushing, withering, scathing, blasting rebuke to the Dickinsons, Stan- tons, Blackwells, and Anthonys of this degenerate day. I find in the Bible many arguments against the equality of woman with man in point of intellectual power. The serpent tempted Eve, not Adam. Why did he select Eve? Ah, why, indeed ! Whatever else may be said of Satan, no one will, I think, question his ability ! I do not stand here as his cham- pion or even apologist ; in fact, I am willing to admit that in many instances his behavior has been ungentleman]y,^but no one will deny that he is a most consummate judge of character, and that he has never failed to select for his work the most fit- ting instruments. In this, as in all other respects, save ability, A. Johnson was very like him. When America was to be be- trayed the first time, Satan selected Arnold ; when the second betrayal of the Republic was determined upon, he knew where Jefferson Davis, Floyd, and Buchanan lived ; and when he had other dirty work to do, with unfailing instinct, he clapped his claw on the shoulders of Chief Justice Chase, as he had before drafted Seward and Doolittle. When there is a fearful piece of jobbery to got through Congress or the New York legis'a^ 666 MORE BIBLICAL STATEMENTS. ture, he never fails to select precisely the right persons for the villany. Possibly he is not entitled to credit for discrimi- nation in these last-mentioned bodies, for he could not very well go wrong. He could find instruments in either, with both hands tied and blindfolded. But this is a digression. Why did Satan select Eve ? Because he knew that Eve the woman, was weaker than Adam the man, and therefore best for his purpose. This reckless female insisted that Satan ap- proached Eve first, because he knew that woman was not afraid of the devil ; but I reject this explanation as irrelevant, At this point, however, we must stop. Should we go on, we would find that Eve, the weak woman, tempted Adam, the strong man, with distinguished success, wliich would leave us in this predicament : Satan, stronger than Eve, tempted her te indulge in fruit. Eve's weakness was demonstrated by her falling a victim to temptation. Eve tempted Adam ; Adam yielded to Eve ; therefore, if Eve was weak in yielding to Satan, how much weaker was Adam in yielding to Eve ? If Satan had been considerate of the feelingo of the conservar tives, his best friends, by the way, in all ages, he would have tempted Adam first, and caused Adam to tempt Eve. This would have afforded us the edifying spectacle of the strong man leading the weak woman, which would be in accordance with our idea of the eternal fitness of things. But now that I look at it again, this would'nt do ; for it is necessary to our argu- ment that the woman should be tempted first, to prove that she was the weaker of the two. I shall dismiss Adam and Eve with the remark, that notwithstanding the respect one ought always to feel for his ancestors, those whose blood is the same as that running in his veins, I cannot but say that Adam's conduct in this transaction was weak. If Adam's spirit is listening to me to-night, I can't help it. I presume he will feel badly to hear me say it, but truth is truth. Instead of saying boldly, " I ate ! " he attempted to clear his skirts by skulking behind those of his wife's. " The woman thou gavest me tempted me and I did eat," he said, which was paltry. Had Adam been stronger minded he would have refused the tempting bite, and then only woman would have been amenable to the death penalty that followed. This would have killed the legal pro- INFBEIOB. 667 fession in Chicago, for what man who was to live forever would get a divorce from his wife wlio could live but eighty or ninety years at best? As a conservative, I oppose any advancement of woman, beca,use she is the inferior of man. This fact is recognized in all civilized countries, and in most heathen nations. The Hindoos, it is true, in one of their practices, aicknowledge a superiority of woman. In Hindostan, when a man dies, bis widow is immediately burned, that she may follow him, — an acknowledgement that woman is as necessary to him in the next world as in this. As men are never burned when- their wives die, it may be taken as admitting that women are abun- dantly able to get along alone ; or, perchance it may be because men in that country, as in this, can get new wives easier than women can get new husbands. The exit from this world by fire was probably chosen, that the wife might in some measure be fitted for the climate in which she might expect to find her husband. The inferiority of the sex is easy of demonstration. It has been said that the mother forms the character of the man so long, that the proposition has become axiomatic. If this be true, we can crush those who prate of the equality of women, by holding up to the gaze of the world the inferior men she has formed. Look at the Congress of the United States. Look at Garret Davis. By their works ye sliall know them. It won't do to cite me to the mothers of the good and great men whose names adorn American History. The number is too small. There's George Washington, Wendell Phillips, Abraham Lin- coln, and one other, whose name all the tortures of the Inquisi- tion could not make me reveal. Modesty forbids me. Those who clamor for the extension of the sphere of woman, point to the names of women illustrious in history, sacred and profane. I find, to my discomfiture, that some of the sex really excelled the sterner. There was Mrs. Jezebel Ahab, for instance. Ahab wanted the vineyard of Naboth, which Naboth refused to sell, owing to a prejudice he had against disposing of real estate which he had inherited. Ahab, who was not an ornament to his sex, went home sick, and took to his bed like a girl, and turned away his face, and would eat no 668 POCAHONTAS AND DELILAH. bread. Mrs. Ahab was made of sterner stuff. " Arise," said Mrs. A. ; " be merry. I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth the Jezrelite." And she did it. She trapped him as neatly as David did Uriah. She suborned two sons of Belial (by the way Behal has had a large family, and the stock has not run out yet), to bear false witness against him, saying that he had blasphemed God and the King, and they took him out and stoned him. Ahab got the vineyard. It is true this lady came to a miserable end, but she accomplished what she desired. Miss Pocahontas has been held up as a sample of female strength of mind. I don't deny that she displayed some decision of character, but it was fearfully unwomanly. When her father raised his club over the head of the astonished Smith, instead of rushing in so recklessly, she should have said, " Pleaf!e, pa, don't." Her recklessness was immense. Sup- pose Pocahontas had been unable to stay the blow, where would our Miss have been then? She never would have married Rolfe ; and what would the first families of Virginia have done for somebody to descend from ? When we remem- ber that all the people of that proud State claim this woman as their mother, we shudder, or ought to, when we contem- plate the possible consequences of her rashness. Delilah, whose other name is not recorded, overcame Samson, the first and most successful conundrum maker of his age, and Jael, it will be remembered, silenced Sisera forever. Joan of Arc conquered the English after the French leaders failed, and Elizabeth of England was the greatest of English rulers. I acknowledge all this, but then these women had opportuni- ties beyond those of women in general. They had as many opportunities as the men of their respective 'periods had, and consequently, if they were mentally as great as men, — no, that isn't what I mean to sa}', — if the men of the period were no greater mentally than they — no — if the circumstan- ces which surrounded them, gave them opportunities, which, being mentally as great as men — I have this thing mixed up somehow, and it don't result as it ought to — but this is true ; Delilah, Elizabeth, Joan of Arc — all and singular, unsexed themselves, and did things unbecoming ladies of refinement and cultivation. Joan's place was spinning flax in her father's (7 REBEKAH. 669 hut, and not at the head of armies. Had she followed the natural mode of feminine life she would not have been burned at the stake, and the English would not have been interrupted in their work of reducing France to the condition of an English province. Had I lived in Prance, I should have said, " Down with her ! Let us perish under a man rather than be saved by a woman ! " Joan should have been ashamed of herself — I blush for her. Had Elizabeth been content to entrust her kingdom to the hands of her cabinet, she would have left it in the happy condition of the United States at the close of Buchanan's administration, but she would have been true to our idea of the womanly life. There is, in the feminine character, a decisive promptness which we must admire. Eve ate the apple without a moment's hesitation, and the characteristic is more beautifully illustrated in the touching and well reported account of the courtship and marriage of Rebekah with Isaac. Abraham's servant was sent, it will be remembered, by such of you as have read the Bible, to negotiate for a wife for young Isaac among his kindred, as he had as intense a prejudice against the Canaan- ites as have the Democracy of the present day. This servant, whom we will call Smith, as his name unfortunately has not been preserved, and Laban, the brother of Rebekah, had almost arranged the matter. The servant desired to return with the young lady at once, but the mother and brother desired her to remain some days, contrary to modern practice, in that the parents now desire the young lady to get settled in her own house and off their hands as soon as possible. The servant insisted, whereupon the mother remarked, " We will call the damsel and inquire at her mouth.'' They called Rebekah and asked, '• Wilt thou go with this man ? " It is related of a damsel in Pike county, Missouri, who was being wedded to the man whose choice she was, when the minister ofBciating asked the usual question, " Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband ? " that dropping her long eyelashes, she promptly answered, " You bet ! " Even so with Rebekah. She neither fainted, simpered, or blushed. She did not say that she hadn't a thing fit to put on — that her clothes weren't home from the dressmakers. No ! Using 670 FEMININE THOUGHT. the Hebrew equivalent for " you bet ! " — for Eebekah was a smart girl, and young as she was, had learned to speak Hebrew — when the question was put to her, " Wilt thou go with this man ? " she answered, " I will," — and she went. 1 don't know that this proves anything, unless it be that women of that day took as great risks for husbands as they do now. Miss Re- bekah had scarcely been introduced to her future husband. It might be interesting to trace the history of this woman, but I have hardly the time. I will say, however, that she was a mistress of duplicity. To get the blessing of her husband for her pet son Jacob, she put false hair upon him to deceive the old gentleman, aad did it. Prom that day to this, women in every place but this, have deceived men, young as well as old, with false hair. The feminine habit of thought is not such as to entitle them to privileges beyond those they now enjoj'. No woman was ever a drayman ; no woman ever carried a hod : no woman ever drove horses on the canals of the country ; and what is more to the point, no woman ever shovelled a single wheel- barrow of earth on the public works. I triumphantly ask, Did any woman assist in preparing the road bed of the Pacific Railway? did any woman drive a spike in that magnificent structure ? No woman is employed in the forging depart- ment of any shop in which is made the locomotives that climb the Sierra Nevada, whose head-lights beam on the valleys of the Pacific coast — the suns of our commercial system. .Just as I had this arranged in my mind, this disturbing female, of whom I have spoken once or twice, asked me whether carrying hods, driving horses on canals, or shovelling dirt on railways, had been, in the past, considered the best training for intelligent participation in political privileges? She remarked, that judging from the character of most of the legislation of which she had knowledge, these had been the schools in which Legislators had been trained, but she hardly believed that I would acknowledge it. " Make these the qualifications," said she, " and where would you be, my friend, who have neither driven a spike, driven a horse, or shovelled dirt? It would cut out all of my class (she was a teacher) — indeed I know of but two women in America who would be FEMALE DISABILITIES. 671 admitted. The two women I refer to fought a prize fight in Connecticut recentlj', observing all the rules of the English ring, and they displayed as much gameness as was ever, shown by that muscular lawmaker, the Hon. John Morrissey. These wo- men ought to vote, and if, in the good time coming, women dis- tribute honors as men have done, they may go to Congress." I answered, that these classes had always voted, and there- fore it was right that they should always vote. " Certainly they have," returned she, " and as 1 have heard themiaddsessed a score of times as the embodied virtue, hon- esty, and intelligence of the country, 1 have come to the con- clusion that there must be something in the labor they do which fits them peculiarly for the duties of law-making." My fri,eiid is learned. She has a tolerable knowledge of Greek, is an excellent Latin scholar, and as she has read the Constitution of the United States, she excels in political lore the great majority of our representatives in Congress. But nevertheless I protest against her voting for several reasons. 1. She cannot sing bass ! Her voice, as Dr. Bushnell justly observes in his blessed book, is pitched higher than the male voice, whicli indicates feminine weakness of mind. 2. Her form is graceful rather than strong. 3. She delights in millinery goods. 4. She can't grow whiskers. In all of these points nature has made a distinction between the sexes which cannot be overlooked. To all of these she plead guilty. She confessed that she had not the strength necessary to the splitting of rails ; she con- fessed that she could neither grow a beard or sing bass. She wished she could grow a beard, as she knew so many men whose only title to intellect was their whiskers. But she said she took courage when she observed that the same disparity was noticeable in men. Within the range of her acquaintance she knew men who had struggled with mustaches with a per- severance worthy of a better cause, and whose existence had been blighted by the consciousness that they could not. Life was to them, in consequence, a failure. Others she knew who had no more strength than a girl, and others whose voices were pitched in a childish treble. If beards, heavy voices, 672 THE woman's peoposition. and physical strength were the qualifications for the ballot, she would at once betake herself to razors, hair invigorators, and gymnasiums. She went on thus : — " In many respects," she said,' " the sexes are alike. Both are encumbered with stomachs and heads, and both have bodies to clothe. So far as physical existence is concerned they are very like. Both are affected by laws made and enacted, and both are popularly supposed to have minds capable of weigh- ing the effect of laws. How, thrust into the world as I am, with a stomach to fill and limbs to clothe, with bgth Jiands tied, am I to live, to say nothing of fulfilling any other end ? " " Woman," I replied, " is man's angel." '• Stuff and nonsense," was her impolite reply. " I am no angel. I am a woman. Angels, according to our idea of angels, have no use for clothing. Either their wings are enough to cover their bodies, or they are so constituted as not to be affected by heat or cold. Neither do they require food. I cannot imagine a feminine angel with hoop skirts, Grecian bend, gaiters and bonnet; or a masculine angel in tight pantaloons, with a cane and silk hat. Angels do not cook dinners, but women do. Why do you say angels to us ? It creates angel tastes, without the possibility of their ever satisfying those tastes. The bird was made to soar in the upper air, and was therefore provided with hollow bones, wings, &c. Imagine an elephant or a rhinoceros possessed with a longing to soar into the infinite ethereal. Could an elephant, with his physical structure, be possessed with such a longing, the elephant would be miserable, because he could not. He would be as miserable as James Fisk, Jr., is, with an ungobbled railroad ; as Bonner would be if Dexter were the property of another man ; and as Salmon P. Chase is with the Presidency before him. It would be well enough to make angels of us, if you could keep us in a semi-angelic s|ate ; but the few thus kept only make the misery of those not so fortunate the more intense. No; treat us rather as human beings, with all the appetites, wants, and necessities of human beings, for we are forced to provide for those wants, necessi- ties and appetites." I acknowledge the correctness of her position. They must THE man's answer. 673 live ; not that they are of verj'- much account in and of" them- selves, but that the nobler sex may be perpetuated to bless and adorn the earth. Without woman it would take less than a century to wind up man, and then what would the world do ? This difficulty is obviated by marriage. All that we have to do is to marrj' each man to one woman, and demand of each man that he care for and cherish one woman, and the difficulty is got along with. And got along with too, leaving things as we desire them, namely, with the woman dependent upon the man. We proceed upon the proposition that there are just as many men as there are women in the world ; that all men will do their duty in this particular, and at the right time ; that every Jack will get precisely the right Jill, and that every Jill will be not only willing, but anxious, to take the Jack the Lord sends her, asking no questions. If there be one woman more than there are men, it's bad for that woman. I don't know what she can do, unless she makes shirts for the odd man, at twelve and a half cents each, and lives gorgeously on the proceeds of her toil. If one man concludes that he won't marry at all, it's bad for another woman, unless some man's wife dies and he marries again. That might equalize it, but for two reasons : It compels the woman to wait for a husband till she possibly concludes it isn't worth while ; and furthermore, husbands die as fast as wives, which brings a new element into the field — widows ; and pray what chance has an inexperienced man against a widow deter- mined upon a second husband ? I admit, that if there were as many men as women, and if they should all marry, and the matter be all properlj^ fixed up at the start, that our present system is still bad for some of them. She, whose husband gets to inventing flying machines, or running for office, or any of those foolish or discreditable employments, would be in a bad situation. Or, when the hus- band neglects his duty, and refuses to care for his wife at all ; or, to state a case which no one ever witnessed, suppose one not only refuses to care for his wife, but refuses to care for himself! Or, suppose he contracts the injudicious habit of returning to his home at night in a state of inebriation, and of breaking chairs, and crockery, and his wife's head, and other 43 674 EVERY WOMAN SHOULD MARRY. « trifles — in such a case I must admit that her position would be, to say the least, unpleasant, particularly as she couldn't help herself. She can't very well take care of herself; for to make woman purely a domestic creature, to ornament our homes, we have never permitted them to think for themselves, act for themselves, or do for themselves. We insist upon her being a tender ivy clinging to the rugged oak — if the oak she clings to happens to be bass-wood, and rotten at that, it's riot our fault. In these cases it's her duty to keep oh cHng- ing, and to finally go down with it in pious resignation. The fault is in the system, and as those who made the system are dead, and as six thousand brief summers have passed over their tombs, it would be sacrilege in us to disturb it. Cus- toms, like cheese, grow mitey as they grow old. Let every woman marry, and marry as soon as possible. Then she is provided for. Then the ivy has her oak. Then if her husband is a good man, a kind man, an honest man, a sober man, a truthful man, a liberal man, an industrious man, a manag- ing man, and if he has a good business and drives it, and meets with no misfortunes, and never yields to temptations, why, then, the maid promoted to be his wife, will be tolerablj' certain to, at least, have all that she can eat, and all that she can ^year, as long as he continues so. This disturbing woman of whom I have spoken once or twice, remarked that she did not care for those who- werei married happily, but she wanted something done for those who were not married at all, and those who were married unfortu- nately. She liked the ivy and the oak-tree idea, but she wanted the ivy — woman — to have a stiffening of intelligence and opportunity, that she might stand alone in case the oak was not competent to sustain it. She demanded, in short, em- ployment at anything she was capable of doing, and pay pre- cisely the same that men receive for the same labor^ provided she does it as well. This is a clear flying in the face of Providence. It is utterly impossible that any woman can do any work as well as men. Nature decreed it otherwise. Nature did not give them the strength. Ask the clerks at Washington, whose muscular frames, whose hardened sinews, are employed at from twelve THE QUESTION OF WAR. 675 htindred to three thousand dollars per annum, in the arduous and exhausting labor of writing in books, and counting money, and cutting out extracts from newspapers, and indorsing pa- pers and filing them, what they think of that? Ask the brawny young men whose manly forms are wasted away in the wearing occupation of measuring tape and exhibiting silks, what they think of it? Are women, frail as they are, to fill positions in the government offices? I asked her sternly, " Are you willing to go to war? Did you shoulder a musket in the late unpleasantness?" This did not settle her. She merely asked me if /carried a musket in the late war. Certainly I did not. I had too much presence of mind to volunteer. Nor did the majority of those holding official position. Like Job's charger, they snuffed the battle afar off — some hundreds of miles -^ and slew the haughty Southron on the stump, or by substitute. But there is this difference : we could have gone, while women could not. And it is better that it is so. In the event of an- other bloody war, — one so desperate as to require all the pat- riotism of the country to show itself, — I do not want my wife to go to the tented field, even though she have the requisite physical strength. No, indeed ! I want her to stay at home — with me ! In the matter of wages, I do not see how it is to be helped. The woman who teaches a school, receives, if she has thor- oughly mastered the requirements of the position, say six hundred dollars per year, while a man occupying the same position, filling it with equal ability, receives twice that amount, and possibly three times. But what is this to me? As a man of business, my duty to myself is to get my children educated at the least possible expense. As there are but very few things women are permitted to do, and as for every vacant place there are a hundred women eager for it, as a matter of coursQ, their pay is brought down to a very fine point. As I said some minutes ago, if the men born into the world would marry at twenty-one, each a maiden of eighteen, and take care of her properly, and never get drunk, or sick, or anything of that inconvenient sort, and both would be taken a;t precisely the same time with consumption, yellow fever, cholera, or any 676 THE QUESTION OP MARRIAGE. one of those cheerful ailments, and employ tlie same physician, that they might go out of the world at the same moment, and become angels with wings and long white robes, it would be well enough. The men would then take care of the women, except those who marry milliners, in wl)ich case the women take care of the men, which amounts to the same thing,'as the one dependent upon somebody else is taken care of. But it don't so happen. Men do not marry as they ought at twenty- one ; they put it off to twenty-five, thirty, or forty, and many of tii^m are wicked enough not to marry at all ; and of those who do marry there will always be a certain per cent, who will be dissipated or worthless. What then? I can't deny that there will be women left out in the cold. There are those who don't marry, and those who cannot. Possibly the number thus situated would be lessened if we permitted women to rush in and seize men, and marry them, nolens volens, but the superior animal will not brook that familiarity. He must do the wooing — he must ask the woman in his lordly way. Com- pelled to wait to be asked, and forced to marry that they may have the wherewithal to eat and be clothed, very many of them take fearful chances. They dare not, as a rule, refuse to marry. Man must, as the superior being, have the choice of occupations, and it is a singular fact that, superior as he is by virtue of his strength, he rushes invariably to the occupa- tions that least require strength, and which woman might fill to advantage. They monopolize all the occupations — the married man has his family to take care of — the single man has his back hair to support ; what is to become of these unfor- tunate single women — maids and widows? Live they must. They have all the necessities of life to supply, and nothing to supply them .with. What shall they do? Why, work of course. But say they, " We are willing to work, but we must have wages." Granted. But how shall we get at the wages — what shall be the standard? I must get my work doje as cheaply as possible. Now if three women — a widow, we will say, with five children to support; a girl who has to work or do worse; and a wife with an invalid husband to feed, clothe, and find medicine for — if these three come to my door, clam- oring for the love of God for something to do, what shall I, as LABOR. 677 a prudent man, do in the matter? There are immutable laws governing all these things — the law of supply and demand, Christ, whose lAission was with the poor, made other laws, but Christ is not allowed to have anything to do with business. Selfishness is older than Christ, and we Conservatives stick close to the oldest. What do I do? Why, as a man of busi- ness, I naturally ascertain whicli of the ttiree is burdened with the most crushing responsibilities and necessities. I ascertain to a mouthful the amount of food necessary to keep each, and then the one who will do my work for the price nearest star- vation rates gets it to do. If the poor girl prefers the pit- tance I otfer her to a life of shame, she gets it. If the wife is willing to work her fingers nearer the bone than the others, rather than abandon her husband, she gets it; and speculating on the love the mother bears her children, I see how much of her life tiie widow will give to save theirs, and decide accord- ingly. I know very well that these poor creatures cannot saw wood, wield the hammer, or roll barrels on the docks. I know that custom bars them out of many employments, and that the more manly vocations of handling ribbons, manipulating tele- graphic instruments, ; charit}' to its hole, — for it ended in a hole, — to find that lie paid the vil- lage editor twice the amount of the gift to have a circumstan- tial account of the transaction published to the world. I was more astonished and more grieved at unearthing the fact that he had arranged with the mendicant to fall where he did, that a crowd might be gathered to witness his generosity. I no- ticed also that the fifteen dollars had been well expended, for his store was crowded for a week. Bibney's wife belonged to the Presbyterian church, but he attended them ail. He had the reputation of giving liberally to all, but the acute man manage.d to rnaintain a reputation for liberality without giving to any. Tlie Presbj'terians never got anything, "for you know," he would say, "I have to give to all of them, and reall}'' it is too mxich of a tax." To the others he would plead his wife's membership with the Presbyterians, and the fact that it topk all that he could afford from other chari- ties to keep " our own church going." I saw him once walk a square out of his way for a week to avoid the necessity of dropping a small coin into the box of a disabled soldier, who was grinding a livelihood out of an exasperating hand-organ. I found an admirable contrast to Bibney in Mrs. Virginia Swan, the gifted writer of spiritual hymns. " There," said I to myself, "must be a perfect character. These outgushings of love for her kind, these verses swelling with love, gen- tleness, and goodness, can only flow from a pure soul. The fountain must be pure if the stream is." I found that this theory will do better in the matter of streams than in souls — that very barren souls are full of sentiment, and gush, and gush, and do nothing else. When I got to the "bottom of it I found that Mrs. Swan wrote her beautiful spiritual hymns in the coldest-blooded business way imaginable. She panted for fame, and had the knack of writing hymns. Determined to make a name, she commenced writing comic songs, and would have continued had she made a success. But she did not ; 710 MESSRS. BLACK AND KITT. and she attempted blood-and-thunder novels, till Sylvanus Cobb drove her from that field, when she struck the spiritual vein, and worked it to great advantage. She would have writ- ten bacchanaliau odes just as soon if it would have given her the same notoriety. The soul of the poetess would shed the sweetest charity, and pity, and love, and so forth, but the hand of the poetess never shed bread and meat and potatoes enough to keep her servant girl plump in her clothes. I was com- pelled to give her up. Spiritual hymns can't be offset against starving servant girls, until the reading of spiritual hymns will make them as plump as will the meat and potatoes they ought to have. The Reverend Blnathan Black, I thought, would help me out of my trouble, for he had always been to me the chief among ten thousand, and the one altogether lovely. I supposed him to be a perfect man, if such there could be on the face of the earth. But, alas ! I was mistaken in this as in everything else. A close examination — a little stripping off of veneering here, and a little digging out of putty there, showed me the ugliest and most ungainly piece of rapral furniture I had ever seen. He had plastered pretence over meanness, and his protesta- tions of goodness covered his daily violation of everything good. He wore his piety on the same principle that governed the Quaker when he said to his son, " John, if thee has a par- ticularly bad horse to trade off, put on thy broadest hat." The Elder always had a bad horse to trade off, and he wore, habit- ually, a broad hat, and an ugly looking sinner he was with- out it. Deacon Kitt served to prolong my investigation just a min- ute. Professing temperance in all things, he was a glutton, and carried a red nose. He took his rations regularly, but not honestly. He did not confess to himself that he really loved stimulants, but he was perpetually persuading himself that he had the dyspepsia, and needed it. He wasn't ingenious even in his excuses for drinking, for when reproached with taking liquor raw, he stammeringly replied that he didn't dare to put water in it for fear of dropsy. His entire devotion to drink I noticed the first time the unsophisticated man was given a mint jnlep, which he said he took for dyspepsia. With the POLITICAL SIN AT HOME. 711 taste of the delicious compound titillating his palate, — the coolness of the ice struggling with the genial warmth of the liquor, — the fragrance of the mint assailing one sense, while the other ingredients held mastery over the others, the poor man dropped his glass and burst into tears. *' And there ain't none of this in the next world," gasped he. " 1 never dreaded death as much as now." He was trying to deceive the world, and succeeded, as is alwaj's the case, in deceiving himself. His neighbors were certain of his being a confirmed drunkard, long before he began to suspect it. I was by this time in a state of disgust. I had gone abroad for sin, and had found it ; and I had found under my very nose almost every sin that had startled me abroad. But one thought gave me comfort — there could be no political iniquity in our community. Walking out one afternoon, I found myself in a crowd, who were listening to an orator, who proved to be none other than Cicero Leatherlungs, my cousin, who had served one term in Congress, and was a candidate for re-election. I had never given Cicero credit for being much of a patriot, and was therefore delighted at the amount of it he exhibited, as well as with the eloquence with which he adorned it. He de- nounced, in burning words, the corruption of which his op- ponent had been guilty — the said denunciation including not only the particular species of corruption his opponent was charged with practising, but all other kinds. Particularly was the use of money in elections denounced as anti republican, and calculated to sap the very foundations of the government. I was so delighted at this, that the very moment he had finished I rushed up to congratulate him. " Your noble sentiments," I said, — but I never finished the sentence. He hurried away to a tavern hard b}' to meet his committee. I followed and got inside just in time to see that pure patriot — that incorruptible man — pull from his breast pocket a plethoric pocket-book, and distribute money to the most villanous and brutish men I had ever seen, and of whose existence I had been ignorant up to this moment. He gave this one one hun- dred dollars to be offered Jones for the use of his doggery on election day ; that one fifty dollars to keep the Irish laborers 712 THE PURE CICERO. in Johnson's stone-quarry drunk till after they had voted ; another one hundred dollars for carriages and men to bring to the polls the idiots and lunatics from such of the county poor- houses as were under the control of his friends ; winding up with the remark, as he put up his pocket-book, that by the time he got the other four counties iixed, be would have spent every last cent of the money he got for his vote in favor of the Au/'ora Borealis Railroad Land Grant. These things had all been charged upon Cicero, and I dis- covered that the best and most intelligent of his supporters knew the charges to be true ; but they were supporting him nevertheless, for he was " our candidate." " But how came so bad a man to be our candidate ? " I asked ; the answer to which was, that when he was nominated the first time his worthlessnesa was not known ; thiit when his bad qualities were discovered, he declined to be dropped. He had the appointing of all the Federal officers in the Dis- trict; — these officials were strong and active enough to con- trol the conventions that nominate candidates for the elective offices, and these two classes of officials control the Congres- sional nominating convention. In short, I ascertained the important fact that, let a bad man once get into Congress, he can, if he is shrewd, stay there a long time, for the government kindly furnishes him the means to perpetuate his stay. By this time I had determined in my own mind that there wasn't a particle more of sin abroad than at home. Every sin that I discovered abroad, I found duplicated at home, and its growth was just as rank and vigorous. The plant was native to all soils: the only difference was in size, resulting from the strength or weakness of the soil in which it was planted. Grieved as I was, 1 took comfort in the thought that I, at least, was free from it. That thought gave me unspeakable happiness, and I determined that my household should be as free from it as myself. My wife was a woman, and I noticed that she nourished all the follies of the sex. She was as exti-avagant in dress as any of her friends, and I took her to task for it. I told her that there were thousands of suffering poor in the' world whose A wife's faults. 713 necessities could be relieved by a tithe of what she wore that was unnecessary. I reminded her of the fact that flounces, furbelows, jewelry, false hair, &c., were totally useless, and could be difipensed with as well as not, and how much better would it be to use the money they cost in chnritable works. And I showered over her much wisdom of this kind. She was an obedient wife, and bowing her head submissive!}', retired to her room, from whicli she emerged in a few minutes. She had carried out my wishes to the letter. She was without hoops, and her dress hung limp about her person. H(m- chignon, which was her crowning glory, was gone, and her natural iiair was twisted into a small and insignificant knot at the back of her head. She had no collar, no cuff's, no rings, pins, in i-hort she was divested of all those helps to figure and form which the sex know so well how to employ. Ordinarily she was counted a handsomo woman ; — as she stood before me in that shape, I confess I was astounded at her superlative ugliness. "Come," said she, meekly. " It is time we were on our way to the concert." I did not go to the concert with my wife in that guise. On the contrary, with much hemming and hawing, — -for no man likes to go back on himself, — I meekly asked her to resume her natural garb. My experiment at reform with the female part of my house- hold had the appearance of a failure. I was compelled to con- fess that, after all, we, the stronger sex, who rail at the extrava- gance of women, are in the main responsible for it ; that the average woman dresses herself more to please the average man than to please herself; and further, that the average man likes her a thousand times better for the additional betinty and grace that dress gives her, all of which she perfectly understands. Still I felt that the wants of the poor must be relieved, and that the relief ought to come out of our superfluities. I there- fore nerved myself to make a sacrifice. I sold my gold watch and purchased a silver one in its stead, and the difference — I invested in government bonds, which were at that time at a discount, with a certainty of a rise. 714 A CLOSER INVESTIGATION. My habit of investigation had got possession of me. While 1 was congratulating myself on my righteousness, and deploring every one else's sin, it so happened that 1 was bargaining for a piece of real estate adjoining my own. In the course of the making of the bargain, I caught myself deliberately underrate ing the property, and most zealously endeavoring to get it for less than I knew it to be worth. My late experience had given me a sharp scent for sin, and I had learned to detect it at sight. I was astonished at the richness of the vein I struck, even in myself 1 found that in my own case I had mistaken dys- pepsia for humility, obstinacy for devotion to principle, and conceit for righteousness generally. I found, for instance, that my sternness in withstanding public opinion was not so much the willingness to be sacrificed for the sake of right, as it was a mule-like disposition to stay where I had planted my hoofs, i'rom sheer stubbornness in refusing to admit that I had ever been or ever could be in the wrong. I recalled the con- versation I had with my neighbor on the subject of the land, and, to my horror, 1 found that within twenty-four hours I had told sixty lies direct ; one hundred and thirty by implication, and had made two hundred misrepresentations, which the recording angel doubtless counted as lies, though in this world of gigantic tklsification they hardly rise to that dignity. I lied because I coveted my neighbor's land — two sins in one. In what am I better than Robinson. The very next day I found myself paying too close attention to the wife of my neighbor Ames — Ames being in California, and Mrs. Ames being a beautiful woman ; and one more of the pillars of my self-righteousness was knocked out from under me. That same afternoon, in paying a note, 1 permitted a mistake made by the holder thereof in computing interest to go uncorrected, and I was compelled to confess myself a thief. The next day I tarried two hours and a half at dinner, which stamped me as much of a glutton as Kitt. When the blessing was asked, reference was made therein to Providence for Iiis good gifts. I only thought how good Providence was that gave us asparagus in the spring, then in succession green peas, strawberries, grapes, oysters, sparer! bs, hot whiskey, and THE MAN OF SIN FOUND. 715 SO on, an unending round of something good to eat and drink. 1 was no better ip this than Kitt — not a particle. That very evening I colored the statement of the trouble of a neighbor, whom I did not like, to his great disadvan- tage, and brouglit myself in guilty of bearing false witness against my neighbor; I caught mj'self in church estimating the probable profits of a business operation I had just concluded ; which satisfied me that I had other gods than the one Living One ; in short, I discovered the alarming fact, that every day of my life I committed all the sin's in the Decalogue. I had been horrified at the sin I had seen away ; more so at learning that all I had seen abroad was going on regularly at home ; and still more so to find that all I had found away and at home existed in full force and vigor in myself; that I cherished and practised in one form or another every sin that I had seen in anj'body else. And what humbled me was the fact, that the knowledge that 1 had all these moral blemishes was not confined to myself My discovery of the fact was recent — my neighbors had always known it. I at last found the man of sin. I was the man. I am now busily engaged in reforming, — not the world, but myself, — and I hope I am succeeding. I succeeded in checking myself in time to save lies only yesterday ; I am now correct- ing all errors in accounts that are in my favor ; in short, by dint of hard worfoand careful watching, I have got to a point of excellence where it is perfectly safe to say that I am no longer distinctively " the man of sin." My henrers, all of you who try hard enough and watch closely enough, may, in the course of a great many years, if you are gifted and have patienee, get to be as gqod as I am. I know you will shrink from a task so apparently hopeless, but I assure you the re- ward is great enough to justify the trial. APPENDIX OuB apology for inserting, just before the title in this volume, the page (if torn out by interested parties, as possibly it may be, we will supply it upon application) containing a caution to persons wishing to procure the work, and also for calling your attention to some matters i)ertaining to the business of publisliing and intro- ducing books, is, that we can devise no other means which we deem so effectual to jirotect our business from the aggressions of dishonest parties; and although this method may seem in bad taste, yet we feel warranted in using it, lioping hereby to aid in correcting certain existing evils pertaining to the business. In this country there arc two ways in wliich books are introduced to the public: one is, where tlieyare sold through bookstores, which is known as the trade method ; the other is, where they are sold only (or intended to be) by canvassing agents, which is called the subscription system. • ,We are engaged in t!ie latter; and what we complain of, not only in our own interest, but in the interest of others who have exhausted every expedient they could devise to keep tlieir publications from being sold in bookstores, is this : That some booksellers (there are many honorable exceptions), in collusion with dishonest general and sub-agents, or professed agents, for subscription books, are per- sistently and maliciously warring upon it by unfair and fraudulent means, with the avowed purpose of injuring the business of the sub- scription publishers as much as possible, and at the same time mak- ing a profit in the transaction. They recognize the fact that for introducing certain classes of books it possesses great adrantages over the other method, and hence should be strangled lest it takes too large a portion of the loaf they desire to monopolize ; and to do this they resort to various means that will not render them amenable to the law, without regard to fairness or honesty. That it does possess such advantages is best evidenced by the fact that almost every extensive trade publisliing house in America has brought out and introduced more or less books in this manner. As booksellers are able to procure most subscription works only through a dishonest channel, except possibly occasional second-hand ones, a few of them make tools of some general and sub-agents, or 716 APPENDIX. / 717 professed agents, and thus obtain this class of works with which-to supply the trade. These agents are usually the most culpable parties to the transaction, as they know the publishers of most, if not all, of such works intend them to be sold only by subscription, and generally these parties who betray subscription publishers, are either under bonds, or bound by a written or verbal agreement, to furnish the books only to bona fide subscribers, and not directly or indirectly to booksellers ; and the latter usually know the fact, but notwithstand- ing all this they have practised for years past this method of obtain- ing subscription publications to sell from their counters. We have known them, when unable to find an agent sufficiently pliable for their purposes, to induce a party engaged in another pursuit, and who had no intention of canvassing, to take the agency, under an assumed name, and though under agreement to sell the books only to bona fide subscribers, which they well knew, to represent to the publishers that he had secured many genuine orders, ]n-ocure of them a large number of books, and immediately turn them over to the instigators of this fraudulent transaction. We have also known them to induce a clerk, emj)loyed in their store, to take an agency, nnder a like agreement, for a sut)scription work published at some place remote from them (if too near home the danger of detection is so great as to check tRis practice), and to obtain the books and dis- pose of them in the same way. We have likewise known of a bookseller, who, under a fictitious name, secured an agency by representing that he wished to canvass, and then in due time pretending that he had many subscribers, to obtain the books and dispose of them in ]iart at retail in his store, and the balance to other booksellers. In fact, these and similar dis- honest expedients for obtaining this class of works to be sold in this manner, are continually ])ractised, and most of them so sold are thus obtainfd. We have known instances where agents were en- gaged in selling new and popular subscription books at the regular retail prices, and the same works at the same time and place were being conspicuously exposed for sale in bookstores, with labels on them ofl'ering them at a price fifty cents a volume less. We apprehend the profit in such cases was not the object the booksellers had in view, for they might just as readily have obtained the regular price, as the books were in great demand. This and othef facts induce ns to believe and affirm, that some booksellers are deliberately doing all they can to work injury to the subscription business. The chief reasons why we, and otheis likewise engaged, object to oui- publications being sold in bookstores, are, first, it negatives the theory on which the business is based; second, it seriously 718 APPENDIX. interferes with tlie success of canvassers liy greatly diminishing their sales, and otherwise ; and third, many of the best agents in the coun- try will only introduce a book while it is kept out of bookstores, and as soon as it gets to be generally on sale there, tliey decline longer to solicit for it. When this condition of affairs arises, the snb- scriiotion publisher not only loses many of his best agents, but is otherwise materially damaged. The public are also unfavorably affected in several ways. Aside from our own interests, we particularly desire, in the interest of our best agents, to keep our publications from being sold in book- stores. This class of canvassers never annoy people, but in all respects conduct their business as they should. It is the least efficient class — only those who do not understand their business — that render themselves offensive ; and the condition of things of which we complain tends to make such agents, and to sustain them. We protest against these unfair, disreputable, and dishonest prac- tices. If we expend thousands of dollars in making stereotype or electrotype plates of a book, we claim the right to introduce the book printed from them in the manner which the best interests of our business require, without interference from booksellers, who can only obtain them (unless they be second hanfl) through some one of these channels; not otherwise. Were it possible for our books to reach them through any honest channel, then they would of course be justified in selling them. As possibly the reader may infer from the position here taken by us, that we desire to deprive people of books they may wish to obtain, we will state that so far from that being the case, on the con- trary, we would gladly put our publications into every household in the country, but wish to do it in our own way, that the true interests of the public, as well as our own, may be subserved, j^ny person wishing a book has only to inform us, and we will request an agent to call and deliver it, and we have no doubt all subscription publish- ers will do the same. It was not our intention to press this matter farther; but lest any should get the impression that subscription books are sold at a higher price than trade books, and that on this account we are un- willing to compete with the trade in open market, we offer the fol- lowing facts, leaving the readers to form their conclusions. Books are i)rinte,d from stereotype or electrotype plates. The type is first set i\\\ and from it solid castings, called plates, are made of type-met!il, one to every page. The illustrations are designed by one class of artists, engraved by another, and castings from them also made. This is a very expensive process, the castings from which APPENDIX. 719 to print a well-illustrated subscription book, of ordinary size, costing' several thousand dollars. These castings, aside from their value for this purpose, are worth only their weight as old metal. Those cost- ing five thousand dollars are worth about a hundred dollars as metal; hence, speaking in a general way, the cost of these castings is money absolutely lost, if the book does not sell ; if it does, then the publisher must put such a price on it as will repay this outlay, in ad- dition to making a legitimate profit. Now, suppose the castings for a book to cost five thousand dollars, and ten thousand volumes to be sold through bookstores ; each book must i)ay a profit of fifty cents, to repay the original outlay. The same book, properly managed and sold by subscription,- if of the class suited to that business, can be given a sale five times as large (we speak much within bounds), and therefore the profit requisite to repay this outlay is but ten cents a volume, which makes a saving of forty cents on each book. Again, authors are paid a copyright, generally of a certain sum on every volume sold. They know the immense sale usually given a subscription book, and that they can better afford to receive a small copyright per volume, on a book so sold, than a large one were it introduced through bookstores. However, as the copyright is' usually the subject of a special bargain, varying, perhaps, with every book, we have no sufficient basis from which to draw absolutely correct conclusions ; but we think it fair to assume that an author whose book can be given by subscription a sale of fifty thousand volumes, when through bookstores it would only be ten thousand, will take a copyright of ten cents a volume, if sold in the fonner, as readily as he will thirty, were it sold in the latter way ; for even then his receipts will be nearly double. Here is a saving of twenty cents, making in all a saving of sixty cents a volume in favor of the subscription publisher. Further, a book introduced tlirough book- stores usually has to pay the following profits : First, that of the publisher; second, that of the jobber; third, that of the retailer; and often the publisher is compelled, at gi-eat cost, to advertise it ex- tensively, or it does not sell. Moreover, these parties generally oc- cupy fine stores, on popular thoroughfares, in expensive localities, besides employing high-salaried clerks. All these expenses* the book has to bear before it reaches the public. Now, contrast it with our subscription books. We make our profit, and so does the canvasser. Usually, the agent is the only party between the producer and consumer. The canvassers advertise our books by showing and explaining them, thereby saving us the expense of advertising in newspapers, which we do to a very limited extent, and then only for agents, and not to create a demand for our 720 APPENDIX. books. The agent lias no rent to pay for a place of business, and we occupy unostentatious warerooms, in comparatively inexpensive localities ; our business requires no better, for our dealings are most- ly with canvassers through tlie mails ; and, finally, we do not have to keep, to wait upon customers, a corps of clerks receiving good salaries, who are idle a part of the time. Besides all this, the sale of subscription books being so large, they can safely be manufactured in large editions, and a saving thus be made. We trust the reader can now understand how we can at least afford to give the public books as good in every respect, and at as low a price, as publishers who sell their works only through bookstores. We believe subscription publishers, if the works they issue are suited to that bijsiness, can aflford to give the community a better book for the same price, or one equally good for a lower price, than other publishers. To sum up, we will state our conviction that for introducing many classes of books the subscription system has numerous advantages over the other method. It is best for the author, because he knows that if he produces a valuable book, it will not only be published, but will be given a large sale, and his copyright will yield him a large sum ; hence, it acts as an incentive for him to produce the best work possible ; the better the book, the larger his returns. Best for the publisher, because he knows that if he has a good book, he can afford to illustrate it well, and bring it before the public in the most attrac- tive and desirable form, all of which will tend to increase its sale and his profits. Best for the agent, because it affords him a lucrative, honorable, and pleasant calling, that may be followed for life in a chosen territory, protected from intrusion by others. He not only gets the profit that -wenild otherwise go to the retail bookseller, but also a portion of the large sums that would be expended in adver- tising to bring it to the attention of the public. And finally, best for the buyer, for he gets many excellent books whose authors could not afford the time to write them, were they dependent on the sale through bookstores to be repaid for their labor — many first-class books, that otherwise would not be published, for no trade publisher would risk the necessary outlay of many thousands of dollars, and tiust to the sale through bookstores to reimburse him ; and, more- over, usually they are works of a better class, better written, more profusely and elegantly illustrated, and better gotten up generally, than many " trade books " that are sold for the same price. Besides, they are brought ti^ the door of the purchaser, which is a great con- venience to persons living in the rural districts. I. N. RICHARDSON & CO.