CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY nr, .-^-. Cornell University Library PR 5182.02 1893 Danfly Dick; a play in three acts, by Arthu 3 1924 013 536 408 Cornell University Library The original of tinis bool< is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013536408 DANDY DICK A. W. PI NERO^ S PLAYS, PLEASE READ CAREFULLY. The acting rights of the following plays have been reserved by the author. Performance is strictly forbidden unless the express consent of the author's agents has first been obtained; and attention is called to the penalties provided by lavif for the infringement of his rights, as follows : " Sec. 4966 : Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition, for which copyright has been ob- tained, without the consent of the proprietor of said -dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs or assigns, shall be liable for dam- ages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." — U. S. Revised Statutes, Tii/e 60, C/iap. 3. Permission to perform these plays privately and by amateur players may be obtained from the publishers on payment, in advance, oi a royalty of $10.00 for each performance. Persons wishing to present them professionally and for a number of per- formances should apply to Mr. Dan''l Frohman, Lyceum Theatre', New York, for such permission and for terms. The Amazons. The Notorious Mrs. Ebbsmith. The Cabinet Minister, The Profligate. Dandy Dick. The Schoolmistress. The Hobby Horse. The Second Mrs. Tanqoeray. Lady Bountiful. Sweet Lavender. The Magistrate. The Times. The Weaker Sex. Any of the above sent, fost ^aid, on receipt of price (50 cents each) by BAKER, 5 HAMILTON PLACE, BOSTON. DANDY DICK ^ (pfWg tn't^tee ^da ARTHUR PINERO AUTHOR OF "SWEET LAVENDER," "THE TIMES, "THE CABINET MINISTER, " LADY BOUNTIFUL," ETC. All rights reserved. Performayice forbidden, and right of representation reserved. Ap- plication for the right of performing this piece must be made to the publishers. BOSTON 1898 COPYHIGHT, 1893, eV ARTHUR PINERO lA// rights reserved'l INTRODUCTORY NOTE. " Dandy Dick " was the third of the farces which Mr. Pinero wrote for the old Court Theatre — a series of plays which, besides giving playgoers a fresh source of laughter, and the English stage a new order of comic play, brought plentiful prosperity to the joint management of Mr. Arthur Cecil and the late Mr. John Clayton, But a kind of melancholy interest attaches to " Dandy -Dick," for this play was, as it were, the swan-song of the old theatre and of the Clayton and Cecil partnership ; and it was the piece in which Mr. Clayton was acting when death overtook him, to the, general grief. The production of "Dandy Dick" may be con- sidered as something of a tour deforce in its way. " The Schoolmistress " was at the end of its success- ful run, and Mr. Pinero was under contract to supply its successor by a certain date, when Mr. Clayton one day went down to Brighton, where the dramatist was then at work, to hear him read the two com- pleted acts of the new play. To Mr. Clayton's con- sternation, however, Mr. Pinero announced that he was dissatisfied with his work, and proposed to begin an entirely new play, as he had a more promising 6 INTE OD UCTOB Y NO TE. idea. But time was pressing, and a successor to " The Schoolmistress " was an immediate necessity. However, Mr. Pinero's idea of writing a play round a dean, who, while being a paragon of dignity and decorum, should be driven by an indiscreet act into a most undignified dilemma, appealed to Mr. Clayton, and hastening back to London with the sketches for the requisite scenes, he left Mr. Pinero to set to work at once upon the new scheme. And within a few weeks, indeed by the time the scenery was ready, the new play was completed, the rural constable of a village adjacent to Brighton having suggested the character of Noah Topping. " Dandy Dick " was produced at the Court Theatre on January 27th, 1887, and, meeting with a most favorable initial reception, it settled down imme- diately into a complete success. The following is a copy of the first-night programme : — ROYAL COURT THEATRE, SLOANE SQUARE, S.W. Lessees and Managers : Mr. JoHif Clayton and Mr. Akthue Cecii,. Programme THIS EVENING, THIJESDAT, JANUARY 27, ^t 8,30 punctually, INTBODUGTOBY NOTE. DANDY DICK. AN OEIGINAl FAECE, IN THKBB ACTS, BY A. W. PINEEO. The Very Eev. Augtjstin Jedd, D.D. (Deanof St. Marvell's) . . Sir Teistram Mabdon, Bart . . . — ^th Hussars, Majok Taevek Mb. Daebet quartered at Durnstone, near St. Mar- vell's Bloeb (Butler at the Deanery) . Noah Topping (Constable at St. Marvell's) Hatcham (Sir Tristram's groom) . Geoegiana Tidman (a Widow, the Dean's sister) . . . . Salome Sheba the Dean's Daughters Hannah Topping (formerly in Ser- vice at the Deanery) . Mr. John Clayton. Mr. Edmund Maueice. Mr. F. Kbee. Mr. H. EvEBsriELD. Mr. Aethdb Cecil. Mr. W. H. Denny. Mr. W. Lugg. Mrs. John Wood. Miss Mabie Levies. Miss NOBEEYS. Miss Latjea Linden. ACT I. AT THE DEANEET, ST. MAEVELL'S. (MOENING.) ACT II. THE SAME PLACE, (Evening.) INTBODUCTOBY NOTE. ACT III.— The Next Day. Scene 1: — " The Strong Box," St. MarvelVa. Scene 2. — The Deanery again. The curtain will be lowered for a few minutes between the two scenes. Kew Sceneby bt Mb. T. W. Hall. Peeceded, at Eight o'clocb^, by "THE NETTLE." An Original Comedietta by EENEST WAEREN". "Dandy Dick " was performed 171 times between the first night and the 22d of July, when, the old theatre being demolished, Mr. Clayton took a tem- porary lease of Toole's Theatre, and transferred the play thither, where it ran 75 nights more. A company had already been sent out, under the auspices of the Court management, to perform " Dandy Dick " in the provinces ; but, when the play was withdrawn from the London boards, Mr. Clay- ton set out himself with a company, and it was during this tour that he died at Liverpool. In America Mr. Daly produced " Dandy Dick." with Miss Ada Rehan in Mrs. John Wood's part, but no very great success was achieved ; whereas in Australia its reception was so enthusiastic that it INTBOnUCTOBT NOTE. 9 ran for quite an unusual time both in Melbourne and Sydney. In the character of the Dean, Mr. G. W. Anson achieved perhaps the greatest of his Austra- lian successes, and Mr. Robert Brough made his mark as the policeman. Malcolm C. Salaman. Decemlier, 1892. DANDY DICK. THE FIRST ACT. The morning-room in the Deanery of St. Marvells, with a large arched opening leading to the library on the right, and a deeply-recessed window open- ing out to the garden on the left. It is a bright spring morning, and an air of comfort and serenity pervades the place. Salome, a tall, handsome, dark girl, of ahout three- and-twenty, is sitting with her elbows resting on her knees, staring wildly into vacancy. Sheba, a fair little girl of about seventeen, wearing short petticoats, shares her despondency, and lies pros- trate upon the settee. Salome. Oh ! oh my ! oh my ! oh my ! Sheba. \_8itting uprigJit.'] Oh, my gracious goodness, good- ness gracious me ! [ They both walk about excitedly. Salome. There's only one terrible word for it — it's a fix! Sheba. It's -worse than that ! It's a scrape ! How did you ever get led into it ? 12 DANDY DICK. Saloieb. How did we get led into it ? Halves, Sheba, please; Sheba. It -was Major Tarver's proposal, and I believe, Salome, that it is to you Major Tarver is paying attention. Salomb. The Fancy Dress Masked Ball at Durnstone is pro- moted by the Officers of the Hussars. I believe that the young gentleman you have impressed calls him- self an officer, though he is merely a lieutenant. Sheba. \^Indignantly.'\ Mr. Darbey is certainly an officer — a small officer. How dare you gird at me, Salome? Salome. Very well, then. "When to-night we appear at the Durnstone Athenaeum, unknown to dear Papa, on the arms of Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey, I consider that we shall be equally wicked. Oh, how can we be so wrong? Sheba. Well, we're not wrong yet. We're only going to be wrong; that's a very different matter. Salome. That's true. Besides, there's this to remember—- we're inexperienced girls and have only dear Papa . But oh, now that the Ball is to-night, I repent, Sheba, I repent I Sheba. I sha'n't do that till to-morrow. But oh, how I shall repent to-morrow 1 DANDY DICK. 13 Salome. [^ Taking an envelope from her pocket, and almost crying.'] You'd repent now if you had seen the account for the fancy dresses, Sheba. Has it come in ? Salome. Yes, the Major enclosed it to me this morning. You know, Sheba, Major Tarver promised to get the dresses made in London, so I gave him our brown paper patterns to send to the costumier. Sheba. {^Shocked.'] Oh, Salome, do you think he quizzed them? Salome. ITo ; I sealed them up and marked outside " To be opened only by a lady." Sheba. That's all right. I hate the plan of myself in brown paper. Salome. "Well, of course Major Tarver begged to be allowed to pay for the dresses, and I said I couldn't dream of permitting it, and then he said he should be most unhappy if he didn't, and, just as I thought he was going to have his own way, [bursting into tears'] he cheered up and said he'd yield to a lady. [ Taking a large account from the envelope.] And oh ! he's jdelded. Sheba. Read it I Don't spare me 1 14 DANDY DICK. Salome. [^Readinff."] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen,' Bow Street. One gown— period French Kevolution, 1798 — Fifteen guineas! " Sheba. [^iSinMnff on her knees, clutching the table.'\ Oh ! Salome. " Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Seven guineas ! " Sheba. {Hysterically.'] Yah! Salome. That's mine ! Sheba. [Putting her fingers into her ears."] Now for mine, oooh! Salome. [Heading.'] " One skirt and bodice — flower girl — period uncertain — Ten guineas." Sheba. Less than yours ! What a shame ! Salome. "Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Five guineas ! Extras, Two guineas. Total, Forty i^ounds, nineteen. Ladies' own brown paper i^atterns mis- laid. Terms, Cash ! " [They throw themselves into each other's arms. Salome. Oh, Sheba ! BANDY DICK. 15 Sheba. Salome! Are there forty pounds in the wide world ? Salome. My heart weighs twenty. "What shall we do ? Sheba. If we were only a few years older I should sug- gest that we wrote nice notes to Papa and committed suicide. Salome. Brought up as we have been, that's out of the question ! Sheba. Then let us be brave women and wear the dresses ! Salome. Of course we'll do that,but — the bill ! Sheba. We must get dear Papa in a good humor and coax him to make us a present of money. He knows we haven't been charitable in the town for ever so long. Salome. Poor dear Papa! He hasn't paid our proper dressmaker's bill yet, and I'm sure he's pressed for money. Shbba. But we can't help that when we're pressed for money — poor dear Papa ! Salome. Suppose poor Papa refuses to give us a present ? 16 DANDY DICK. Sheba. Then we must play the piano when he's at work on his Concordance — poor dear Papa ! Salome. However, don't let us wrong poor Papa in advance. Let us try to think how nice we shall look. Sheba. Oh yes — sha'n't I ! Salome. Oh, I shall ! And as for stealing out of the house with Major Tarver when poor dear Papa has gone to bed, why, Gerald Tarver would die for me ! Sheba. So would Nugent Darbey for me ; besides I'm not old enough to know better. Salome. You're not so very much younger than I, Sheba ! Sheba. Indeed, Salome! Then why do you keep me in short skirts ? Salome. Why ! you cruel girl ! You know I can't lengthen you till I'm married ! [Bloee, the hutler, a venerable-loohing per- son, with rather a clerical suggestion about his dress, enters by the window. Bloee. {^JBenignly."] The two soldier gentlemen have just rode hup, Miss Salome. [ The girls clutch each other'' s hands. BANDY DICK. 11 Saiome. You mean Major Tarver ? Shbba. And Mr. Darbey. They have called to inquire after poor Papa. Salome. Poor Papa ! Bloee. Shall I show them hin, Miss Sheba ? Sheba. Yes, Blore, dear, and hang your h's on the hat- stand. [Bloee laiighs sweetly at Sheba and shakes his fingers at her playfully. Bloee. [ Vindictively, behind their backs.'\ 'Ussies ! [_JIe goes out. Salome. Am I all right, Sheba ? Sheba. Yes. Am I ? Salome. Yes. {Looking out at window."] Here they are ! How well Gerald Tarver dismounts ! Oh ! Sheba. He left his liver in India, didn't he ? Salome. No — only part of it. 18 DANDY DICK. Sheba. Well — part of it. Salomb. And that he gave to his Queen, brave fellow ! Sheba. \_Seati7i(/ herself in an artificial attitude.'] Wher-e shall we be — here ? Saxome. \_Bunning to the piano.] All right; you be ad- miring my voice ! Sheba. Oh, I dare say ! Salome. Here they are, and we're doing nothing ! Sheba. Let's run away and then come in unconsciously. Salome. Yes — ^unconsciously. [ They run off through the Library. Bloee shows w Major Taevek andl&R. Daebey, who are both in regimentals. Majoe Tae- VEE is a middle-aged, tall, an gxdar officer, with a thin face, yellow complexion, and red eyes. He is alternately m a state of great excitement and depression. Mr. Daebey is a mere boy, but with a pompous, patronizing manner. Daebey. The Dean's out of the way, eh ! DANDY DICK. 19 Bloeb. Yes, sir, he his. Taevee. Eh ? How is the Dean ? Never miad — perhapc Miss Jedd is at home ? Bloee. Yes, sir, she his. Taevee. It would be discourteous to run away without askkig Miss Jedd after her father. Daebbt. [Throwing himself on the settee.'] Deuced bad form! Bloee. The ladies were 'ere a minute ago. [Salome and Sheba walk in together. Sa- lome has her arm round her sister's waist and looks up to her with a sweet, trusting smile. They start in confusion on see- ing Taevek and Daebet. Salome. Major Tarver. Sheba. Mr. Darbey. Taevee. [ Taking Salome's hand eagerly.] My dear Miss Jedd! Daebet. [Rising and putting a glass to his eye.'] Hah yah 1 Hah yah ! 20 BANDY DICK. SALOJrE. [ With her hand on her heart.'] You quite startled us. Taevee. \_In an agony of contrition.'] Oh, did we? Daebbt. Awfully cut up to hear it. Sheba. We never dreamt of finding two visitors for Papa. Bloee. Why, you told me to show the gentlemen hin, Miss Sheba ! \_The two girls start guiltily and glare at Bloee. Salome. [ With suppressed rage.] You needn't wait, Blore ! Bloee. [ To himself.] Let 'em 'ang that on the 'atstand ! [Bloee goes out. Daebey and Sheba stroll together into the Library. Taevee. [ To Salome.] We thought we'd ride over directly after parade to make the final arrangements for to- night. Have the costumes arrived ? Salome. Yes, they came yesterday in a hamper labeled "Miss Jedd, Secretary, Cast-off Clothing Distribu- tion League." DANDY DICK. 21 Taevee. That was my idea — came to me in tlie middle of fclie niglit. Salome. Dear Major Taryer, surely tliis terrible strain on your nerves is very, very bad for you with your — your — Taevee. My liver — say the word, Miss Jedd. Salome. \_Drooping her head.'] Oh, Major Tarver ! Taevee. It is frightfully injurious. Of course I'm excited now, and you see me at my best, but the alternating fits of hopeless despondency are shocking to witness and to endure ! Salome. Oh! Taevee. It's all that damned India! Oh! what have I said ! You will never forgive me. Salome. Indeed, indeed I will I Taevee. Never. Oh, Miss Jedd, my forgetfulness has brought me — one of my — terrible attacks — of depres- sion! Salome. Major Tarver ! ^She leads him to a chair into which he sinks in a ghastly state. Daebby strolls in from the Library with Sheba. 22 DANDY DICK. Daebet. [ To Sheba.] Your remarks about the army are extremely complimentary. On behalf of the army I thank you. We fellows are not a bad sort, take us all round. Sheba. There's a grand future before you, isn't there ? Daebet. "Well, I suppose there is if I go on as I'm going now. Taevee. \^To Salome.] Thanks, the attack has passed. Now about to-night ; at what time is the house entirely quiet ? Salome. Poor dear Papa goes round with Blore at half-past nine — after that all is rest and peacefulness. Taevee. Then if we're here with the closed carriage at ten — ! [ They go together into the library. Daebey. [Tb Sheba. J Some of us army men can slave too. Tarver's queer livah has throAvn all the arrange- ments for the Fancy Ball on my shoulders. [Salome and Taevee re-enter.'] Look at him — that's when he's enjoying life ! Taevee. \IjWu,gMng convulsively.] Ha ! ha ! ha ! ho ! he ! he ! Good, eh, Miss Jedd ? Salome. But suppose dear Papa should hear us crunching down the gravel path 1 DANBT DICK. 23 Taevee. Oh ! \_H'e sinks on to the settee with a vacant stare, his arms hanging helplessly. Daebet. [ To Sheba.] There — now his career is a burden to him! Sheba. Oh! Salome. Would you like a glass of water, Major Tarver ? Taetee. [7'a^^■?^^ Salome's handJ] Thank you, dear Miss Jedd, with the least suggestion of cayenne pepper in it. Sheba. \JLooMng out at window.] Oh, Salome ! Papa ! Papa! Taevee. The Dean? Daebet. The Dean! [ 7%ey Oill collect themselves in a fluster. The two girls go tomeet their father, who enters at the window with his head bowed and his hands behind his back, in deep thought. The Dean is a portly man of about fifty, with a dignified demeanor, a suave voice and persuasive manner, and a noble brovj surmounted by silver-gray hair. Bloee follows The Deak, carrying some books, a small bunch of flowers, and an umbrella. 24 DANDY DICK. SaloSib. [ Tenderly. 1 Papa ! Sheba. Papsey! [The Dean rouses himself, discovers his chil- dren and removes his hat. The Dean-. [T'o Salome.] Salome! \_To Sheba.] My toy- child! \^IIe draws the girls to him and embraces them, then sees Taever and Daebey.] Dear me ! Strangers ! Taeteb and Daebey. [ Coughing uncomfortably.] H'm I Salome. \_Reproachfully, taking his hat from him."] Papa! Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey have ridden over from Durnstone to ask how your cold is. [Sheba taJees the gold-rimmed pince-nez which hangs upon The Dean's waist- coat and places it before his eyes. The Dean. Dear me ! Major ! Mr. Garvey. Sheba. ^ Mr. Darbey 1 The Dean. Darbey ! How good of you ! [ With his girls still embracing him he extends a hand to each of the men.'] My cold is better. [Bloee goes out through the Li- brary.] Major — Mr. Garvey — these inquiries strike me as being so kind that I insist — no, no, I beg that you will share our simple dinner with us to-night at six o'clock ! DANDY DICK. 25 Taevee. [^Disconcerted.2 Oh ! Daebet. H'm! The DEAiiT. Let me see — Tuesday night is- Salome. Leg of mutton, Papa ! The Dean. Thank you. Mutton, hot. Sheba. And custards, Papsey. The Dean. Thank you, toy-child — custards, cold. And a wel- come — ^warm. Takvek. [^Looking to Salome.] "Well, I — ah — [Salome nods her head to him violently.'] That is, certainly. Dean, certainly. Daebet. Delighted, my dear Dean — delighted ! The Dean gives Daebet a severe look, and with an important cough walks into the Library. The men and the girls speak in undertones. Taevee. \_Depressed.'] Now, what will happen to-night? 26 DANDY DICK. Salome. Wliy, don't you see, as you will have to drive over to dine, you will both be here, on the spot, ready to take us back to Durnstone ? [The Dean sits at his desk in the Library. Daebet. Of course ; when we're turned out we can hang about in the lane till you're ready. Taeveb. Yes, but when are we to make our preparations ? It'll take me a long time to look like Charles the First ! Sheba. We can drive about Durnstone while you dress. Salome. [ To Taevek, admiringly. \ Charles the First ! Oh, MAjor ! Daebey. iThat was my idea — Charles the Martyr, you know. Tarver's a martyr to his liver — see ? Sheba. Oh ! sha'n't we all look magnificent ? Salome. Oh! Taevee. Grand idea — the whole thing ! Daebet. Regular army notion ! \_They are all in a state of great excitement when The Dean re-enters., with an anx- ious look., carrying a bundle of papers. DANDY DICK. 27 Salome. Here is Papa ! [ They rush to various seats, allin constrained attitudes. Taeveb. [ To The Dean.] We waited to say — good-morn- ing. The Dean. \_Tahing his hand, abstractedly.'] How kind! Good- morning ! Daebby. Six o'clock sharp, Dean? The Dean. At six, punctually. Salome, represent me by escorting these gentlemen to the gate. [Salome, Taevek, and Daebey go out. Sheba is following slyly when The Dean looks up from his papers.] Sheba ! Sheba. Papsey ! The Dean. Check me in a growing tendency to dislike Mr. Garvey. At dinner, Sheba, watch that I carve for him fairly. Sheba. Yes, Papsey ! [The Dean turns away and sits on the settee. ■ Sheba, with her head down and her hands folded, walks towards the door, and then bounds out. The Dean. \_Turning the papers over in his hand, solemnly.] Bills ! [jHe rises, walks thoughtfully to a chair, sits 28 DANDY DICK. and examines papers again."] Bills ! \_ire rises again, walks to another chair, and sinks into it with a groan.] Bills! Salome and Sheba re-enter. Salome. [ To Sheea, in a whisper.] Papa's alone ! Sheba. A beautiful opportunity to ask for that little present of money. Poor dear Papa ! Salome and Sheba. Poor dear Papa ! [ The-g link their hands together and walk as if going out through the Library. The DEAif. \_Looking up.] Don't go, children ! l_IIe rises, the girls rush to him, and laugh- ing with joy they turn him like a top, dancing r'ound Mm. \_Panting.] Stop, children ! Sheba. Papsey's in a good humor ! SALOirE. \_Pinching his chin.] He always is ! Sheba. Papsey will listen to our little wants ! [ They force him into a chair. Salome sits on the ground embracing his legs, Sheba lies on the top of the table. BANDY DICK. 29 The Deak. Oh dear, oh dear ! Your wants are very little ones. What are they, Salome? What are they, toy-child? Salome. Papa ! Have you any spare cash ? The Dbast. Spare cash ! Playful Salome ! Sheba. £ — s — d, Papsey, or £ — s, Papsey, and never mind the — d. The Dean. Ha! ha! I am glad, really glad, children, that you have hroken through a reserve which has existed on this point for at least a fortnight — and babhled for money. Sheba and Salome. {Laughing with delight.'] Ha ! ha ! The Deabt. It gives me the opportunity of meeting your de- mands with candor. Children, I have love for you, solicitude for you, but — I have no spare cash for any- body. \IIe rises and walks gloomily across to the piano, on the top of which he commences to arrange his hills. In horror Salome scrambles up from the floor, and Sheba wriggles off the table. Simultaneously they drop on to the same chair and Middle together. Salome. [ To herself] Lost ! 30 DANDT DICK. Sheba. [ To herself.'] Done for ! The Dean. And now you have so cheerily opened the subject, let me tell you with equal good humor [^emphatically flourishing the bills'] that this sort of thing must be put a stop to. Your dressmaker's bill is shocking ; your milliner gives an analytical record of the feverish beatings of the hot pulse of fashion ; your general draper blows a rancorous blast which would bring dismay to the stoutest heart. Let me for once peal out a deep paternal bass to your childish treble and say emphatically — I've had enough of it ! [He paces up and down. The two girls utter a loud yell of grief. Sheba. [ Through her tears.] We've been brought up as young ladies — ^that can't be done for nothing ! Salome. Sheba's small, but she cuts into a lot of material. The Dean. My girls, it is such unbosomings as this which pre- serve the domestic unison of a family. Weep, howl, but listen. The total of these weeds which spring up in the beautiful garden of paternity is a hundred and fifty -six, eighteen, three. Now, all the money I can immediately command is considerably under five hundred pounds. Salome. Oh, Papa 1 DANDY DICK. 31 Sheba. Oh! what a lot! The Dean. Hush ! But read, Salome, read aloud this paia- graph m " The Times " of yesterday. There, mj child. [.He hands a copy of " The Times " to Sa- lome with his finger upon a paragraph. Salome. \_Reading.'\ " A Munificent Offer. Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvells, whose anxiety for the preser- vation of the Minister Spire threatens to undermine his health, has subscribed the munificent sum of one thousand pounds to the Restoration Fund." {^Indig- nantly. '\ Oh! Sheba. Oh ! and we gasping for clothing! The Dean. Read on, my child. Salome. {Reading. '\ " On condition that seven other donors come forward, each with the like sum." Salome. And will they ? The Dean. {Anxiously. ] My darling, times are bad, but one never knows. Sheba. If they don't! 32 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Then you will have your new summer dresses as usual. Sai/Ome. [Hoarsely.] But if they do ! Speak, Father ! The Dean. [ Qloomily.] Then we will all rejoice ! Sheba awf^SAxraiE. Rejoice ! The Dean. And retrench. Two R's, little ones. Retrench and Rejoice. [ The tv}0 girls cling to each other as Bloee comes from the Lihrary with two letters on a salver. Bloee. The second post, sir — just hin. The Dean. \Blandly.\ Thank you. Bloee. \Hearing Salome aw(7 Sheba crying.] They've 'ail a scolding, 'ussies. Let 'em 'ang that on the 'at- stand ! \_IIe is going out. The Dean. [ Opening letters.] Oh, Blore ! This note from ;Mi'. Hodder, the Secretary of " The Sport and Relaxa- tion Repression Guild," reminds me that to-morrow is the first day of the Races — ^the St. Marvells Spring Meeting, as it is called. DANDY DICK. 33 Bloee. Hindeed, sir — fancy that ! And I not know it ! The Dbat!T. All our servants may not resemble you, Blore. Pray remind them in the kitchen and the stable of the rule of the house Bloeb. No servant allowed to leave the Deanery, on hany pretence, while the Races is on. The Dean. \^Iundli/.'} While the races are on — thank you, Blore. [ Opens his second letter. Blore. Thank you, sir. \_To himself.'] Oh, if the Dean only knew the good thing I could put him on to for the Durnstone Handicap ! [.He goes out. The Deaw. Children ! Salome ! Sheba ! Here is good news 1 Salome. \_Run7iing to him."] Good news ! Sheba, What is it? The Deax. Your Aunt ! Sheba. Left us some money ? The Dean. Your Aunt is coming to live with us. 3 34 DANDY DICK. Sheba. To what? Salome. To live with us ! What Aunt ? The Deak. My dear widowed sister, Georgiana Tidman. Salome. What's she like ? Sheba. We don't want her. The Dean. Good gracious ! Georgiana and I reconciled after all these years ! She will help us to keep the ex- penses down. ' Salome. Keep the expenses down ! The Dean. \^Embracing his daughters.^ A second mother to my girls. She will implant the precepts of retrench- ment if their father camiot ! Salome. But, Papa, who is Aunt what's-her-name ? Sheba.. Who is she? The Dean. My dears — a mournful, miserable history ! [ With his head bent he walks to a chair, and holds out his hands to the girls, leho go to him and kneel at his feetJ] When you were infants your Aunt Georgiana married an individual whose existence I felt it my sad duty never to recognize. DASDY DICK. 35 S^VIiOME. A bad man ? The Dea>-. He died ten years ago, and, therefore, we will say a misguided man. He was a person who bred horses to run in races for amusement combined with profit. He was also what is called a Gentleman Jockey, and it was your aunt's wifely boast that if ever he vexed her she could take a stone off his weight in half an hour. In due course his neck was dislocated. Sheba. By Aunt ? The Deax. Hush, chUd, no ! You will be little wiser when I tell you he came a cropper ! Salome. How awful it all sounds ! The Dean. Left a widow, you would think it natural that Georgiana Tidman would have flown to her brother, himself a widower. Not at all. Maddened, I hope, by grief, she continued the career of her misguided husband, and for years, to use her own terrible words, she was " the Daisy of the Turf." Sheba. What's that? The Deax. I don't know, toy-child. But at length retribution came. Ill luck fell upon her — her horses, stock, everything, came to the hammer. That was my hour. " Come to me," I wrote, " my children yearn for you." 36 DANDY DICK. SiiEBA mid Salome. [ With wry faces.] Oh ! The Dean'. " At the Deanery of St. Marvells, with the cares of a household, and a stable which contains only a thir- teen-year-old pony, you may obtain rest and forget- fulness." And she is coming ! Sheba and Salome, When? Oh! when? The Dean. She merely says, " Soon." Sheba and Salosie. \_Stainping with vexation.] Ugh! The Dean. Salome, Sheba, you will, I fear, find her a sad broken creature, a weary fragment, a wave-tossed, derelict. Let it be your patient endeavor to wir. back a flickering smile to the wan features of thir. chastened widow. Bloee enters with a telegram. Bloee. A telegram, sir ! [The Dean opens telegram.. Sheba. N"o Aunt Tidman flickers a smile at me ! Salome. I wouldn't be in her shoes for something ! Sheba. Salt in her bed, Salome I DANDY DICK. 37 Salome. Yes, and the peg out of the rattling window ! [ Thej/ grip hands earnestly. The Dean. Good gracious! Bless me! Girls, your Aunt Georgiana slept at the " Wheatsheaf," at Durnstone, last night, and is coming on this morning ! Saxome and Sheba. To-day ! The Dean. Blore, tell "Willis to get the chaise out. [Bloee hurries out. The Dean. Salome, child, you and I will drive into Durnstone — we may be in time to bring your Aunt over. My hat, Sheba ! Quick ! [ The dang of tlie gate hell is heard in the distance.'] The bell ! ^Looking out of windov}.'] No— yes — it can't be! \_!Sx>ealdng in an altered voice.] Children ! I wonder if this is your Aunt Georgiana ? [Blore appears with a halffrightened, sur- prised look. Blore. Mrs. Tidman. Georgiana Tidman enters. She is a jovial, noisy woman, very " horsey " in maimers and appear- ance, and dressed in pronounced mascidine style, with billy cock hat and coaching coat. The gi?-ls cling to each other ; The Dean recoils. Georgiana. Well, Gus, my boy, how are you? 38 DANBY DICK. The Dean. [^Shocked.'] Georgiana! GEOEttlANA. [Patting The Deaist's cheeks.'] You're putting on too much flesh, Augustin ; they should give you a ten-miler daily in a blanket. The Dean. [ With dignity.] My dear sister ! Georgiana. Are these your two-year-olds ? \_To Salome. J Kiss your Aunt ! \_She kisses Salome with a good hearty smack.] [T'oSheba.] Kiss your Aunt ! \_She embraces Sheba, then stands hetteeen the two girls and .surveys them critically., touching them alternately viith the end of Jier cane.] Lord bless you both ! What names do you run under ? Salome. I — I am Salome. Sheba. I am Sheba. Georgiana. [Looking at Siieba.J Why, little 'un, your stable companion could give you a stone and then get her nose in front ! The Dean. [ Who has been im,patiently fuming.] Georgiana, I fear these poor innocents don't follow your well- intentioned but inappropriate illustrations. Georgian A. Oh, we'll soon wake 'em up. Well, Augustin, my DANDY DICK. 39 boy, it's nearly twenty years since you and I munched our corn together. The Dean. Our estrangement has been painfully prolonged. Georgian A. Since then we've both run many races, though we've never met in the same events. The world has ridden us both pretty hard at times, Gus, hasn't it ? "We've been punished and pulled and led down pretty often, but here we are [tapping him sharply in the chest with her cane'], sound in the wind yet. You're doing well, Gus, and they say you're going up the hill neck-and-neclf with your Bishop. I've dropped out of it — the mares don't last, Gus — and it's good and kind of you to give me a dry stable and a clean litter, and to keep me out of the shafts of a " Shrewsbury and Talbot." Sheba. [In a whisper to Salome.] Salome, I don't quite understand her — but I like Aunt. Salome. So do I. But she's not my idea of a weary frag- ment or a chastened widow. The Dean. My dear Georgiana, I rejoice that you meet me in this affectionate spirit, and when — pardon me — when you have a little caught the tone of the Dean- ery Geokgiana. Oh, I'll catch it ; if I don't the Deanery will a lit- tle catch my tone — the same thing. [Sheba laughs. 40 BANDY DICK. The Dean-. \_Iteprovingly.'\ Toy-child ! Geokgiana. Trust George Tidd for setting things quite square in a palace or a puddle. The Dean. George Tidd ! Who is George Tidd ? Geoegiana. I am George Tidd — -that was my racing name. Ask after George Tidd at Newmarket — they'll tell you all about me. My colors were crimson and black diamonds. There you are. \_Producin(j her pocket-handkerchief, which is crimson, and black. The Deai^. Dear me ! Very interesting ! Georgiana, my dear. One moment, children. [ The girls go into the Library . The DEAif. \^Tapping the handkerchief.'] I understand dis- tinctly from your letter that all this is finally abandoned ? Gboegiana. Worse luck ! They'll never see my colors at the post again ! The Deak. And the contemplation of sport generally as a mental distraction ? DANDY DICK. 41 Geoecjiana. Oh, yes — I dare say you'll manage to wean me from that, too, in time. The Dean. In time ! Well, but — Georgiana ! [ The gate bell is heard again, the girls re-enter. Geoegiana. There's a visitor. I'll tootle upstairs and have a groom down. [ 7'o Salome and Sheba.J Make the running, girls. At what time do we feed, Augustin? The Deak. There is luncheon at one o'clock. Geoegiana. Right. The air here is so fresh I sha'n't be sorry to get my nose-bag on. \_She stalks out,accompanied by the girls. The Dean. My sister, Georgiana — my widowed sister, Geor- giana. Dear me, I am quite disturbed. Surely, surely the serene atmosphere of the Deanery will work a change. It must ! It must ! If not, what a grave mistake I have made. Good gracious ! No, no, I won't think of it ! Still, it is a little unfortunate that poor Georgiana should arrive here on the very eve of these terrible races at St. Marvells. Bloee enters with a card. The Dean. Who is it, Blore ? \Iteading the card.'] " Sir Tris- tram Mardon." Dear, dear ! Certainly, Blore, cer- 42 DANDY DICK. tainly. [Bloee goes out.] Mardon— why, Mardon and I haven't met since Oxford. [Bloee re-enters, showing in Sir Teistram Maedon, a well-preserved man of about fifty, with a ruddy face and jovial manner, the type of the thorough English sporting gentleman. Bloee goes out. SiE Teisteam. Hullo, Jedd, how are you ? The Deast. My dear Mardon — are we boys again ? SiE Teisteam. \_Boisterously.] Of course we are ! Boys again ! \_IIe hits The Dean violently in the chest. The Deak. [^Breathing heavily — to himself."] I quite forgot how rough Mardon used to be. How it all comes back to me! SiE Teisteam. Think I'm changed ? The DsAif. Only in appearance ! SiE Teisteam. I'm still a bachelor — got terribly jilted by a woman years ago and have run m blinkers ever smce. Can't be helped, can it ? You're married, aren't you ? The Dean. [ With dignity.] I have been a widower for fifteen years. DANDY DICK. 43 Sir Tkisteam. Oh lor' ! awfully sorry — can't be helped though, can it? \_Seizing The Dean's hand and squeezing itj\ Forgive me, old chap. The- Dean. [ Withdrawing his hand with pain.] 0-o-oh! SiE Tristram. I've re-opened an old wound — damned stupid of me! The Dean. Hush, Mardon ! Please ! Sir Tristram. All right. What do you think I'm down here for ? The Dean. For the benefit of your health, Mardon ? Ste Tristram. Ha ! ha ! Never had an ache in ray life ; sha'n't come and hear you preach next Sunday, Gus. The Dean. I do not preach next Sunday ! Sir Tristram. You'd better not ! No, I'm here for the races. The Dean. The races ! Hush, my dear Mardon, my girls Sir Tristram. Girls ! May I trot 'em into the paddock to-mor- row? 44 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Thank you, no. SiE Teisteam. Think it over. You've seen the list of Starters for the Durnstone Handicap ? The Dean. No, I haven't. SiE Teistkam. Not ! Look here ! Sir Tristram Mardon's Dandy Dick, Nine stone two, Tom Gallawood up I What do you think of that ? The Dean. I don't think of anything like that ! Sie Teisteam. \^I>igging The Dean in the ribs.'\ Look out for my colors — black and white, and a pink cap — first past the post to-morrow. The Dean. Really, my dear Mardon Sie Teisteam. Good heavens ! Jedd, they talk about Bonny Betsy. The Dean. I grieve to hear it. The tongue of scandal- Sie Teisteam. [^TakingTii'E Dean's arm and waUci/if/ him about.'] Do you imagine, sir, for one moment, that Bonny Betsy, with a boy on her back, can get down that hill with those legs of hers ? DANDT DICK. 45 The Dean. Another horse, I presume ? SiE Teisteam, No, a bay mare. George Tidd knewwhat she was about when she stuck to Dandy Dick to the very last. The Dbais^. [Aghast.'] George— Tidd ? SiE Teisteam. Georgiana Tidman. Dandy came out of her stable after she smashed. The Dean. Bless me ! SiE Teisteam. Poor old George ! I wonder what's become of her. The Dean. My dear Mardon, I am of course heartily pleased to revive in this way our old acquaintance. I wish it were in my power to offer you the hospitality of the Deanery — ^but SiE Teisteam. Don't name it. My horse and I are over the way at " The Swan." Come and look at Dandy Dick ! The Dean. Mardon, you don't understand. My position in St. Marvells SiE Teisteam. Oh, I see, Jedd. I beg your pardon. You mean that the colors you ride in don't show up well on the hill yonder or in the stable of the " Swan " Inn. 46 DANDY DICK. The Deax. You must remember SiE Teistkam. I remember that in your young days you made the heaviest book on the Derby of any of our fellows. The Dean. I always lost, Mardon ; indeed, I always lost ! SiE Teistram. I remember that you once matched a mare of your own against another of Lord Beckslade's for fifty pounds ! The Dean. Yes, but she wasn't in it, Mardon — I mean she was dreadfully beaten. SiE Teistram. \_ShaMng his head sorrowfully. ] Oh Jedd, Jedd — other times, other manners. Good-bye, old boy. The Dean. You're not — you're not offended, Mardon.? SlE T-1ISTKAM. \^Taking The Dean's hand^ Offended! No — only sorry. Dean, damned sorry, to see a promising lad come to an end like this. [Geoegiana enters with Salom3: on one side of her and Siieba on the other — all three laughing and chatting, ajipurenth/ the best of friends.'] By Jove ! No ! what— Tidd ?' Geoegiana. Hullo, Mardon ! \_They shake hands warndy. DANDY DICK. 4/ Sir Teisteam. Of all places in the world, to find " Mr. Tidd! " [^Roaring with laughter.'] Ho ! ho ! ho ! ■ Gboegiana. \_Laughing.] Ha ! ha ! SiE Teisteam. Why, Dean, you've been chaffing me, have you ? The Dean. No! SiE Teisteam. Yes, you have — you've been roasting your old friend ! The Dean. [ With dignity.'] Mardon ! SiE Teisteam. Tidd is a pal of yours, eh ? Ho ! ho ! Geoegiana. Ha! ha! The Deax. Sir Tristram Mardon, Mrs. Tidman is my sister. SiE Teisteam. Your sister ? Geoegiana. Yes, I've been running a bit dark, Mardon, but that stout, well-seasoned animal over there and this skittish creature come of the same stock and were foaled in the same stable. [Pointing to Salome and Sheba.] There are a couple of yearlings here, you don't know. My nieces — Salome and Sheba. 48 DANDY DICK. SiE Tristram. [£owinff.] How do you do? [ITeartily taking Georgiana's hand again.] Well, I don't care whose sister you are, but I'm jolly glad to see you, George, my boy. Georgian A. Gracious, Tris, don't squeeze my hand so ! The Dean. [in horror.] Salome, Sheba, children! I must speak to you. Excuse me, Mardon. [ To himself.] Oh, what shall I do with my widowed sister ? \_ire goes into the garden. Sheba. \_To Salome.] That's like pa, just as we were getting interested. Salome. We'll come back in a minute. [ They go out by the window. Sir Tristram. Lord! How odd! You know your brother and I were at Oxford together, George ? Georgiana. Were you, Tris ! Then are you putting up here ? Sir Tristram. He won't have me. Georgiana. Won't have you ! Sir Tristram. Because I'm down here racing. You see, he's a Dean. DANDY DICK. 49 Geoegiana. Is he? Well, then, you just lay a thousand sovereigns to a gooseberry that in this house I'm a Dean, too ! SiE Teisteam. I suppose he's thinking of the Canons — and the Bishop — and those chaps. Geoegiana. Lord bless your heart, they're all right when you (iheer them up a bit ! If I'm here till the autumn meeting you'll find me lunching on the hill, with the Canons marking my card and the dear old Bishop mixing the salad. So say the word, Tris — I'll make it all right with Augustin. SiE Teisteam. No, thanks, old fellow. The fact is I'm fixed at the " Swan" with — what do you think, George? — with Dandy Dick. Geoegiaita. Oh ! my old Dandy ! SiE Teisteam. I brought him down with me in lavender. You know he runs for the Durnstone Handicap to-mor- row. Geoegiana. Know ! There's precious little that horse does that I don't know, and what I don't know I dream. Is he fit? SiE Teisteam. As a fiddle — shines like a mirror — ^not an ounce too much or too little. He'll romp in ! 4 50 DANDY DICK. Geoegiana. He'll dance in ! Tris Mardon ! Sir Tbisteam. Eh? Geoegiana. [Ifi/steriously.] Tris, Dandy Dick doesn't belong to you — not all of him. SiE Teisteam. No — I've only a half share. At your sale he was knocked down to John Fielder the trataer. The other half belongs to John. Geoegiana. Nojit doesn't, it belongs to me/ SiE Teisteam. George ! Geoegiana. Yes, directly I saw Dandy Dick inarched out be- fore the auctioneer I asked John Fielder to help me, and he did, like a Briton. For I can't live M'ithout horseflesh, if it's only a piece of cat's meat on a skewer. But when I condescended to keep company with the Canons and the Bishop liere I promised Augustin that I wouldn't own anything on four legs, so John sold you half of Dick, and I can swear I don't own a horse — and I don't — not a whole one. But half a horse is better than no bread, Tris — and we're partners. SiE Teisteahf. \_Itoaring luith laughti'r.'\ IIo ! ho ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Geoegiana. What are you laughing at, man ? DANDY DICK. 51 Sir Tristram. Oh, the Dean ! the Dean ! Salome and Sheba enter unperceived. Sir Tristram. [Still laughing."] I — ho ! ho ! — I beg your pardon, George — ^ha ! ha ! "Well, now you know he's fit, of course, you're going to back Dandy Dick for the Durnstone Handicap. Gborgiana. Back him ! For every penny I've got in the world. That isn't much, but if I'm not a richer woman by a thousand pounds to-morrow night I shall have had a bad day. Salome. Oh, Sheba ! [ The girls come towards the lAbrary. Georgiana. [Discovering them.l Hush ! [To the girls."] Hallo ! Sheba. It's only us, Aunt. [ The girls go into the Library. Sir Tristram. I'll be off. Georgiaita. Keep your eye on the old horse, Tristram. Sir Tristram. Don't fear. Good-morning, George ! 52 DANDY DICK. Gbobgiana. Good-morning, partner! [Sie Teisteam hursts out laughing again, she joining in the laughter. '\ Oh, do be quiet ! Sir Teisteam. Ho ! ho ! ho ! Ha ! ha ! Oh, say good-bye for me to the Dean! \_She gives him a push and he goes out. Sheba and Salome immediately re-enter from the Library. Sheba. Aunt — dear Aunt Geoegiana. Well, girls ? Sheba. Aunt — Salome has something to say to you. Salome. No, it's Sheba. Gecegiana. "Why, you're shivering all over. [ Catching hold of Sheba.] Hallo, little 'un ! Sheba. Aunt — dear Aunt Georgiana — we heard you say something about a thousand pounds. Geoegiana. You've been listening ? Sheba. No — we only merely heard. And, oh. Aunt, a thousand pounds is such a lot, and we poor girls want such a little. DANDY DICK. 53 Gboegiana. Money? Shbba. Yes. Salome has rather got into debt. Geoegiana. My gracious ! Salome. I haven't, any more than you have, Sheba. Sheba. Well, Tm in debt too, but I only meant to beg for Salome ; but now I ask for both of us. Oh, Aunt Tidman, papa has told us that you have known troubles. Geoegiana. So I have — Cheaps of them. Sheba. Oh, I'm so glad. Because Salome and I are weary fragments too — we're everything awful but chastened widows. We owe forty pounds unknown to Pa I Salome. Forty pounds, nineteen. GEOEGLA.NA. Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, you girls! Sheba. We are I Salome. We are I 54 DANDY DICK. Gbokgiana. To cry and go on like this about forty pounds ! Sheba. But we've only got fifteen and threepence of our own in the world! And, oh, Aunt, you know some- thing about the Races, don't you ? Geoegiana. Eh? Sheba. If you do, help two poor creatures to win forty pounds, nineteen. Aunt Georgiana, what's " Dandy Dick " you were talking to that gentleman about ? Geoegiana. Child ! Dandy Dick's a horse. Sheba. We some thought so. money. Then let Dandy Geokgiana. Dick win ns No, no ! I won' t hear of it I Oh, do, do '. Sheba. Oh, do, do, do ! Salome. Geoegiana. Go away — I won't. I say decidedly, I will notl Sheba. Oh, do, do ! HANDT DICK. 55 Salome. Do ! Do, and we'll love you for ever and ever, Aunt Georgiana. Geoegiana. You will ! \^She embraces them, heartily.'] Bless your little innocent faces! Do you want to win forty pounds ? Salome and Shbba. Yes, yes! Geoegiana. Do you want to -wax fifty pounds ? Shbba and Salome. Oh, yes, yes ! Geoegiana. [ Taking her hetting hook from her pocket."] Very well, then, put your very petticoats on Dandy Dick! [ The girls stand clutching their skirts, frightened. Salome. Oh! Sheba. Oh' END OF THE FIEST ACT. 56 DANDY DICK. THE SECOND ACT. The morning-room at the Deanery, with the fire and the lamps lighted. It is after dinner. Shbba is playing the piano, Salome lolling upon the settee, and GY.ORaiA.TS a 2) ouring out tea. They are ifi evening dress. Geoegiana. Sugar, Sally? I call you Sally, Salome — the evening's too short for your name. Salome. All right, Aunt George — two lumps, please. Georgian A. [ToSheba.J Little 'un? Sheba. Two lumps and one in the saucer, to eat. Geoegiana. Quite a relief to shake off the gentlemen, isn't it ? Salome. Do you think so. Aunt? Sheba. Oh, Z don't think so. DANDY DICK. 57 Geoegiana. H'm ! Now I understand why my foot was al- ways in the way under the dinner -table. [^/She holds out two cups, which the girls take from her. Salome. I thought the dinner was an overwhelming suc- cess. Sheba. All our dinners are at the Deanery. Geoegiana. Awfully jolly. Mutton was overdone. Salome. That's our new cook's one failing. Geoegiana. But the potatoes weren't — ^they rattled. Sheba. Cook never can manage potatoes. Geoegiana. "What was wrong with the custards ? Salome. "Well, it was Cook's first attempt at custards. Geoegiana. However, they served one useful end. Now we Jcnov} the chimney wants sweeping. Salome. But it was a frightfully jolly dinner— take it all round. 58 DANDY DICK. Sheba. Yes, take it all round. One has to take things all round. Geoegiana. "What made us all so sad and silent — taking us all round ? Sheba. Dear Papa was as lively as an owl with neuralgia. Geoegiana. Major Tarver isn't a conversational cracker. y Salome. Gerald Tarver has no liver — to speak of. Geoegiana. He might have spoken about his lungs or some- thing, to cheer us up. Sheba. I fancy Mr. Darbey was about to make a witty remark once. Geoegiana. Yes, and then the servant handed him a dish and he shied at it. So we lost that. Salome. Still, we ought to congratulate ourselves upon a — upon a Sheba. Upon a — ^upon a Geoegiana. Upon a frightfully jolly dinner. [ Taking her bet- ting hook from her pocket.'] Excuse me, girls. I've DANDY DICK. 59 some figures to work out. If Dandy Dick hasn't fed better at the " Swan " than we have at the Dean- ery, he won't be in the first three. [Beckoning.'] Let me see. Salome. [To Sheba.] All's settled, Sheba, isn't it? Sheba. [To Salome.] Yes — everything. Directly the house is silent we let ourselves out at the front, door. Salome. How do we get in again ? Sheba. By this window. It has a patent safety fastening, so it can be opened with a hairpin. Salome. We're courageous girls, aren't we? Sheba. Yes, I don't consider we're ordinary young ladies, at all. Salome. If we had known Aunt a little longer we might have confided in her and taken her with us. Sheba. Poor Aunt — ^we mustn't spoil her. Daebet. [Speaking outside.] I venture to differ with you, my dear Dean. 60 DANDY DICK. Geoegiana. Here come the wax- works ! [_She joins the girls as Daebbt enters through the Library .^patronizing The Dea:\, who accompanies him. Daebey. Haw ! I've just been putting the Dean right about a little army question, Mrs.^Mrs. I can't catch your name. Geoegiana. Don't try — you'd come out in spots, like measles. [Daebey stands by her, blankly, then attempts a conversation. The Deaw. [ To Salome and Sheba.J Children, it is useless to battle against it much longer. Salome. Against what, Papa ? The Dean". A feeling of positive distaste for Mr. Darbey. Sheba. Oh, Papsey— think what "Wellington was at hisi age. Majoe Taevee enters, pale and haggard. Salome meets him. Salome. Major ! Taevee. . [ With a gasp.J Oh 1 DANDY DICK. 61 Salome. Not well again ? Taevee. Indigestion. I'm always like this after dinner. Salome. But what would you do if the trumpet summoned you to battle ? Taevee. Oh, I ■ suppose I should pack up a few charcdal biscuits and toddle out, you know. Geoegiawa. [ To Daebet. J I've never studied the Army Guide. Daebet. You're thinking of Geokgiana. The Turf Guide — beg pardon. I mean, the Army keeps a string of trained nurses, doesn't it ? Daebet. There are Army nurses. Geoegiana. Certainly. I Avas wondering whether your Colonel will send one with a perambulator to fetch you at about half-past eight. \_/She leaves Daebey and goes to The Dean. ShebaJoi'ws Daebet at the piano. Geoegiana. Well, Gus, my boy, you seem out of condition. 62 DANDY DICK. The Dean. I'm rather anxious for the post to bring to-day's " Times." You know I've offered a thousand pounds to our Restoration Fund. Geoegiaj^a. What! The Dean. Hush— I'll tell you. • \_Theij talk iit undertones. Bloee enters to remove the tea-tray. Taevek. [Jumping up excitedly — to Salome.] Eh? Oh, certainly — delighted! \_Singing to himself.'] "Come into the garden, Maud, for the black bat- — " Salome. Now you're yourself again. Taever. I'm always dreadfully excited when I'm asked to sing. It's as good as a carbonate of soda lozenge to me to be asked to sing. [TbBLORE.] ]\Iy music is in my overcoat pocket. [Bloeb crosses to the door. Sheba. And Mr. Darbey has brought his violin. Taevee. [In a rage, glaring at Daebey.] Hah ! There now ! Daebet. [To Bloee.] You'll find it in the hall. [Bloee goes out. The Dej\:x doses in a chair. Salome and Sheba talk to Geoegiaxa at the table. DANDY DICK. 63 Taevek. [ To himself.'} He always presumes with his con- founded fiddle when I'm going to entertain. He knows that his fiddle's never hoarse and that I am, sometimes. D ABBEY. [To himself.'] Tarver always tries to cut me out with his elderly Chest C. He ought to put it on the Retired List. Taevee. I'll sing him off his legs to-night — I'm in lovely voice. [_ire walks into the Library and is heard trying his voice., singing " Come into the garden, MaudP Daebey. [ To himself.'] He needn't bother himself. While he was dozing in the carriage I threw his music out of the window. Taevee re-enters triumphantly. Bloeb re-enters, carrying a violin-case and a leather m,usic roll. Daebey takes the violin-case, opens it, and produces his violin and music. Bloke hands the tnusic roll to Taevee and goes out. Taevee. [ To Salome, trembling with excitement.] My tones are like a beautiful bell this evening. I'm so glad, for all our sakes. \_As he takes the leather m,usic roll from Bloee.] Thank you, that's it. Salome. What will you begin with? 64 DANDY DICK. Taevbe. " Come into the garden, Maud." I've begun with " Come into the garden, Maud" for years and years. [He opens the music roll — it is em2)ty.'] Oh! Miss Jedd, I've forgotten my music! Salome and Shbba. Oh ! Major Tarver ! [Tarvek with a groan of despair sitiks on to the settee. Sheba. Never mind — Mr. Darbey will play. Daebey. [ Tuning his violin.] Will you accompany me ? Shbba. [liaising her eyes."] To the end of the world. \_Shesits at the piano. Daebet. My mother says that my bowing is something like Joachim's, and she ought to know. Sheba. "Why? Daebey. Oh, because she's heard Joachim. \T>A.n'SEY plays and Sheba accompanies him. Salome sits beside Tarvee. Geoegiana. [ To herself.'] Well, after all, George, my boy, you're not stabled in such a bad box ! Here is a regular pure, simple, English Evening at Home ! DANDT DICK. 66 The Deak. {^Mumhling to himself.'] A thousand pounds to the Restoration Fund and all those bills to settle — oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ? Salome. [ To herself.'] I hope my ball-dress wiLl drive all the other women mad ! Taevee. [ To himself — glariny at Daebey. J I feel I should like to garrote him with his bass string. Geoegiana. [Frowning at her betting SooZ;.] I think I shall hedge a bit over the Crumbleigh Stakes. Daebet. \_As he plays, glancing at Takvee. j I wonder how old Tarver's Chest C likes a holiday. Sheba. \^As she plays.] We must get Pa to bed early. Dear Papa's always so dreadfully in the way. Geoegiana. {^Looking around.] No — there's nothing like it in any other country. A regular, pure, simple, English Evening at Home J Bloee enters quickly, cutting " The Times" with a paper-knife as he enters. Bloee. The paper's just arrived. \_The music stops abruptly — all the ladies glare at Bloee and hush him down. Geoegiana, Salome, and Sheba. Sssssh 1 5 66 DANDY DICK. The Dean. [ Taking the paper from Bloee.] This is my fault — there may be something in "The Times" of special interest to me. Thank you, Bloee. [Bloee goes out. Taevek. Ha, ha, ha ! spoilt his pianissimo ! The Dean. [Scanning the paper."] Oh, I can't believe it! Geoegiana. "What's the matter ? Salome and Shbba. Papa! Taevbe and Daebey. The Dean ! The Dean. Children ! Georgiana ! Friends ! My munificent ofEer has produced the desired result. Salome and Sheba. Oh I The Dean. Seven wealthy people, including three brewers, have come forward with a thousand pounds apiece in aid of the restoration of the Minster Spire ! Salome and Sheba. IMorrified.] Ah! Georgiana. That means a cool thousand out of your pocket, Gus. DANDY DICK. 67 The Dean. Tes. \_Iteading.'] " The anxiety to which The Dean of St. Marvells has so long been a victim -will now- doubtless be relieved." {_With his hand to his head.'] I suppose I shall feel the relief to-morrow. Geoegiana. ■ What's wrong with the Spire ? N"obody sleeps in it? The Dean. It is a little out of repair — but hardly suflftciently so to warrant the presumptuous interference of three brewers. Excuse me, I think I'll enjoy the fresh air for a moment. \_IIe goes to the window and draws back the curtains — a bright red glare is seen in the s%.] Bless me ! Look there ! Geoegiana, Salome, and Sheba. Oh! what's that? The Dean. It's a conflagration ! Salome. [ Clinging to Tabvee. J Where is it ? Are we safe ? Sheba. \_CKnging to Daebey.] Where is it? Are we safe? Geoegiana. Where is it ? Bloee enters with a scared look. The Dean, [ To Bloke.] Where is it ? 68 DANDY DICK. All. Where is it ? Bloeb. The old Swan Inn's a-flre ! [The gate-bell is heard ringing violently in the dis- tance. Blore goes out. Geoegiana. [ Uttering a loud screech.'] The Swan Inn ! [Madlg.] You girls, get me a hat and coat. Somebody fetch me a pair of boots ! [Salome, Shbba, and Taevee go to the windoio. The Dean. Georgiana ! Gboegiana. Don't talk to me ! [ To Taevee.] Lend me your boots ! Taevee. I daren't. If I once get cold extremities Gboegiana. Ah! \_She is going, The D-ea.^ stops her. The Deait. Respect yourself, Georgiana — where are you going ? Geoegiana. Going! I'm going to help clear the stables at The Swan ! The Deax. Remember what you are— my sister — a lady ! DANDY DICK. 69 Geoegiaita. I'm not. George Tidd's a man, every inch of her ! [SiK Teisteam rushes in breathlessly. Geoegiana rushes at him arid clutches his coat.^ Tris Mardon, speak ! Sib, Teisteam. l^xhausted.2 Oh ! Geokgiawa. The horse ? The horse ! You've got him out ? SiE Teisteam. Yes, safe and sound. Geoegiaxa. Safe and sound ! That old horse has backed him- self to win the handicap. l^She sinks into a chair. Taevee and Daebet with Salome and Sheba stand looking/ out of the window. SiE Teisteam. George, his tail is singed a bit. Geoegiana. The less weight for him to carry to-morrow. \_Beginning to cry.'] Dear old Dandy, he never was much to look at. Sm Teisteam. The worst of it is, the fools threw two pails of cold water over him to put it out. Geoegiana. Oh ! that's done him ! 70 DANDY DICK. The Dean^. Now, my dear Georgiana ! what is a horse ? Georgiana. A living example to a Dean. [The Dean goes dis- tractedly into the Library. '\ Where is the animal ? SiE Teisteam. My man Hatcham is running him up and down the lane here to try to get him warm again. Georgiana. Where are you going to put the homeless beast up now ? Sir Teisteam. I don't know. Georgiana. [^Starting up.] I do though ! The Dean. Madwoman ! What are you going to do? Georgiana. Bring Dandy Dick into our stables ! The Dean. No, no ! Sir Teisteam. The very place ! The Dean, Georgiana, pray consider tne.^ Geoegiana. So I will, when you've had two pails of water thrown over you. [The Djban walks about in despair. DANDY DICK. 71 The Deai^^. Mardon, I appeal to t/ou ! SiE Teistkam. Oh, Dean, Dean, I'm ashamed of you ! Geoegiasta. [To SiE Teisteam.] Are you ready? SiE Teisteam. yTakes off his coat and throtos it over Geoegiana's shoulders.'] George, you're a brick ! Geoegiana. A brick, am I ? [ Quietly to him.'] One partner pulls Dandy out of the Swan — ^t'other one leads Dandy into the Deanery. Quits, my lad ! \_They go out together. The Dean. What is happening to me ! It will be in all the sporting papers. " Sir Tristram Mardon's Dandy Dick reflected great credit upon the Deanery Stables ! " " The Sporting Dean ! " \_IIe walks into the Ziibrary, where he sinks into a chair, as Salome, Taevee, Daebet and Sheba 'come from the window. Taevee. They're getting the flames under. If I had had my goloshes with me I should have been here, there, find everywhere. Daebet. Where there's a crowd of Civilians the Military fixercise a wise discretion in restraining themselves. 72 DANDY DICK. Sheba. [ To Taevee awc?DAEBET.] You had better go now; then we'll get the house quiet as soon as possible. Poor Papa looks worried. Sheba and Salome. Poor Papa ! Taevee. We will wait with the carriage in the lane. Salome. Yes, yes. [ Callmg.'] Papa, Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey must go. \_She rings the hell. The Dean comes from the Library. The Dean. Dear me, I'm very remiss ! Taetee. \_8haking hands. ^ Most fascinating evening ! Daebey. \_Shaking hands.'\ Charming, my dear Dean. Bloee enters. Salome. Major Tarver's carriage. Bloee. Hat the gate, Miss Salome. Salome. Don't risk the cold. Papa. [Bloee goes out, followed hy Sheba, Salome, and Taevee. Daebet is going., when he returns to The Dean. BANDT DICK. 73 Darbey. By-the-bye, my dear Dean — come over and see me. We ought to know more of each other. Say Mon- day. The Dean. \^Jiestraimng Ms anger.] I will not say Monday ! Daebey. Any time you like. Oh — and I say — let me know Avhen you preach, and I'll get some of our fellows to give their patronage ! [.Se goes out. The Dean. [ Closing the door after him with a bang.] Another moment — another moment — and I fear I should have heen violently rude to him, a guest under my roof! [Me walks up to the fireplace and stands looking into the fire, as Dakbey, having forgotten his violin, returns to the room.] Oh, Blore, now understand me, if that Mr. Darbey ever again presumes to present himself at the Deanery I will not see him ! Daebey. [ With his violin in his hand, haughtily.] I've come back for my violin. [ Goes out with dignity. The Dean. [ITorrifed.] Oh, Mr. Darbey ! Hear an explana- tion, Mr. Darbey ! [ITe runs out after Daebey. Geoegiana and Sir Teisteam etiter by the window. Geoegiana. Don't be down, Tris, my boy ; cheer up, lad, he'll be fit yet, bar a chill ! Aha ! he knew me, he knew lae when I kissed his dear old nose ! 74 DANDY DICK. Sir Tristram. He'd be a fool of a horse if he hadn't felt deuced flattered at that. Georgian A. He's no fool. He knows he's in the Deanery too. Did you see him cast up his eyes and lay his ears hack when I led him in ? Sir Tristram. Oh, George, George, it's such a pity about his tail ! Georgiana. [ Cheerily. '\ Not it. You watch his head to-mor- row — that'll come in first. [Hatcham, a groom, looks in at the window. Hatcham. Are you there, Sir ? Sir Tristram. What is it ? Hatcham. I jest run round to tell you that Dandy is a feedin' as steady as a baby with a bottle. Georgiana. Don't you close your eyes all night. Hatch A jr. Not me, mum. And I've got hold of the constable 'ere, Mr. Topping — he's going to sit up with me, for company's sake. Sir Tristram. The constable ? BANDY DICK. 75 Hatcham. Yes, Sir Tristram. '\_Coming forward myste- riously.] Why, bless you and the lady, sir — supposin' the fire at the " Swan " warn't no accident ! Geoegiana. Eh? Hatcham. Supposin' it were inciderism — and supposin' our 'orse was the hobject. Sib Teisteam. Goo4gcacious ! Hatcham. That's why I ain't goin' to watch sin^&-handed. SiK Teisteam. Get back then — get back ! [Sie Teisteam and Geoegiai^ a joace up and down excitedly. Hatcham. Right, Sir. There's only one mortal fear I've got about our Dandy. Geoegiana and Sie Teisteam. What's that? Hatcham. He 'asn't found out about 'is tail yet, sir, and when he does it'll fret him, as sure as my name's Bob Hatcham. Sie Teisteam. Keep the stable pitch dark — he mayn't notice it. . Hatcham. Not to-night, sir, but he's a proud 'orse and what'll 76 BANBT DICK. he think of 'isself on the 'ill to-morrow ? You and me and the lady, sir — it 'ud be different with us, but how's our Dandy to hide his bereavement ? [Hatcham goes out of the window vdth Sir Teistkam as The Dean enters, followed by Bloeb, who carries a lighted lantern. The Dean. [^Looking reproachfully at Geokgiana.J You have returned, Georgiana ? Geoegiana. Yes, thank ye. The Dean. And that animal ? Geoegiana. In our stables,. safe and snug. The Dean. [ With a groan."] Oh ! Geoegiana. You can sleep to-night with the happy conscious- ness of having sheltered the outcast. The Dean. We're locking up now. The poor children, ex- hausted with the alarm, beg me to say good-night for them. The fire is quite extinguished. Bloee. Yes, sir; but I hear they've just sent into Durn- stone basking for the Military to watch the ruins in case of another houtbreak. It'll stop the wicked Ball at the Hathanseum, it vnW I [^Drawing the vrhido'in citrfaiiDi. DANDY DICK. 77 SiE Teistram. [^JTavinff re-entered.'] I suppose you want to see the last of me, Jedd. The Dean. Mardon ! Geoegiana. Don't be unkind, Tris. Where shall we stow the dear old chap, Gus, my boy ? The Dean. Where shall we stow the dear old chap ! I really don't know. Geoegiana. Let me see. We don't want to pitch you out of your loft if we can help it, Gus. SiE Teisteam. 'No, no — we won't do that. The Deax. Don't consider me in this manner. But there's Sheba's little cot still standing in the old nursery. SiE Teisteam. Just the thing for me — the old nursery. Geoegiana. The old nursery. Toys to play with if you wake early. The Dean. \_LooMng round."] Is there anyone else before we lock up ? [Bloee has fastened the window and drawn the Qurtain, . 78 DANDY DICK. Gboegiana. Put Sir Tristram to bed carefully in the nursery. Blore. SiE Teisteam. [Grasping The Dean's hand.'] Good-night, old boy. I'm too done for a hand of Piquet to-night. The Dean. I never play cards. SiE Teisteam. \^Slapping him, on the back^ I'll teach you during my stay at the Deanery. The Dean. \_ITelplessly to himself.'] Then he's staying with me! SiE Teisteam. Good-night, George. Geokgiana. Good-night, partner. Heaven bless the little inno- cent in his cot. [Sie Teisteam goes out with Bloee. Geoegiana. [ Calling after him.] Tris ! You may talte your pipe up with you. We smoke all over the Deanery. The Dean. [ To him,self] I never smoke ! Does she ? Geoegiana. [ Closes the door, hum,m,ing a tune merrilij.] Tra la, tra la ! Now, Mr. Tidd, we'll toddle. Tra la ! tra la! \_8he stops, looking at The Dean,wAo is mut- tering to himself] Gus, I don't like your looks, I DANDY DICK. 79 shall let the Vet see you in the morning. What's wrong with you ? [The Dean shakes his head mournfully, and sinks on the settee. Geoegias^a. Money ? The Deast. There are bills, which, at a more convenient time, it will be my grateful duty to discharge. Geobgiana. And you're short ? The Deast. Short? Geoegiana. stumped — out of coin — run low. What'U square the bills ? The Dean. Very little would settle the bills — but — but — Geoegiana. I know — the Spire. Why, Gus, you haven't got that thousand. The Dean. There is a very large number of estimable worthy men who do not possess a thousand pounds. With that number I have the mournful pleasure of en- rolling myself. Geoegiana. When's the settling day ? The Dean. Eh? 80 DANDY DICK. Geoegiana. When will you have to fork out ? The Deax. Unless- the restoration is immediately commenced the spire will certainly crumble. Geoegiana. Then it's a match between you and the spire which parts first. Gus, will you let your little sister lend you a hand ? The Deax. My dear Georgiana, impossible ! Geoegiaxa. No, no — not out of my own pocket. Come here. \_She takes his arm and vihispers in his ear.'] Can you squeeze a pair of ponies ? The Dean. Can I what ? Gboegiana. Can you raise fifty pounds ? The Dean. Certainly. More than fifty pounds. Geoegiana. No — no, don't be rash ! That's the worst of you beginners. Only fifty by to-morrow morning. The Dean. Most assuredly. Geoegiana. Very well then — clap it on to Dandy Dick ! DANDY DICK. 81 The Dean. [ With horror.] What ! Gboegiana. He's a certainty — if those two buckets of water haven't put him off it ! He's a moral — if he doesn't think of his tail coming down the hill. There's nothing like him at the weight. Keep it dark, Gus — don't breathe a word to any of your Canons or Archdeacons, or they'll rush at it and shorten the price for us. Go in, Gus, my boy — take your poor widowed sister's tip and sleep as peacefully as a blessed baby ! \_She presses him warmly to her and hisses him,. The Dean. {^Extricating himself.'] Oh ! Mrs. Tidman ! Go to your room ! Gboegiana. Augustm ! The Deast. In the morning I will endeavor to frame some verbal expression of the horror with which I regard your proposal. For the present, you are my parents' child and I trust your bed is well aired. Georgian A. Oh, very well, Augustin. I've done all I can for the Spire. Hon soir, old boy ! The Dean. Good-night. Geokgiana. , If you're wiser in the morning just send Blore on to the course and he'll put the money on for you. 6 82 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Blore! My poor devoted old servant would be lost on a race-coui'se. Gboegiana. "Would he ! He was quite at home in Tattersall's Ring when I was at St. Marvells last summer. The Dean. Blore ! Gboegiana. Blore. I recognized the veteran sportsman the moment I came into the Deanery. The Dean. What was my butler doing at St. Marvells Races ? Bloee enters with his lantern. Georgiana. Investing the savings of your cook and housemaid, of course. You don't think your servants are as narrow as you are ! The Dean. Oh! Bloee. I beg your pardon, sir, shall I go the rounds, sir ? [The Dean gives Bloee a fierce look, hut Bloee beams sioeetly. Geoegiana. Blore ! Bloee. Mum? DANDY DICK. 83 Geokgiaxa. Breakfast at nine, sharp. And pack a hamper with a cold chicken, some French rolls, and two bottles of Heidsieck— label it " George Tidd," and send it on to the Hill. I'll stand the racket. Good- night. [She goes out. The Deajst sinks into a chair and clasps his forehead. Bloeb. A dear, 'igh-sperited lady. [Leaning over The Dean.] Aren't you well, sir ? The Dean. Serpent! Bloee. Meania' me, sir ? The Dean. Lock up ; I'll speak to you in the morning. Lock up. r^^^ — — __ [Bloee goes into the Library, turns out the larnp there, and disappears. What dreadful /wave threatens to engulf the Deanery ? What has come to us in a few fatal hours ? A horse of sporting tendencies contaminating my stables, his equally vicious owner nestling in the nursery, and my omti widowed sister, in all proba- bility, smoking a cigarette at her bedroom window with her feet on the window-ledge! [Listening.'] What's that? [He peers through the loindow ciir- toins.] I thought I heard footsteps in the garden. I can see nothing — only the old spire standing out against the threatening sky. [Leaving the window shudderingly.'\ The Spire ! My principal creditor ! 84 DANDT DICK. My principal creditor, the most conspicuous object in the city ! Bloee re-enters vdth his lantern, carrying some hanJc-notes in his hand. Bloeb. \Ijaying the notes on the table.] I found these, sir, on your dressing-table — they're bank-notes, sir. The Dean. [ Talcing the notes.] Thank you. I placed them there to be sent to the Bank to-morrow. [ Counting the notes.'] Ten — ten — twenty — five — five, fifty. Fifty . pounds ! The very sum Georgiana urged me to — oh ! [ To Blore, vmving him away.] Leave me — go to bed — go to bed — go to bed ! [Bloee is going ^ Blore ! Bloee. Sir? The Deajt. "What made you tempt me with these at such a moment ? Bloee. Temp' you, sir ! The window was hopen, and I feared they might blow away. The Dean. \_Gatching him hy the coat collar.] jMan, what were you doing at St. Marvells Races last summer? Blore. [ With a cry, falling on his Jmees.] Oh, sir ! Oh, sir ! I knew that 'igh-sperited lady would bring grief and sorrow to the peaceful, 'appy Deanery ! Oh, sir, I 'aye done a little on my hown account from time to time on the 'ill, halso hon commission for the kitchen J DANDY DICK. 85 The Dean. I knew it — I knew it ! Bloeb. Oh, sir, you are a old gentleman — turn a charitable 'art to the Races ! It's a wicious institution what spends more ready money in St. Marvells than us good people do in a year. The Dean. Get up, Blore — get up. Oh, Edward Blore, Ed- wai'd Blore, what weak creatures we are ! Bloee. We are, sir — we are — 'specially when we've got a tip, sir. Think of the temptation of a tip, sir. The Dean. I do, Blore — I do. Bloeb. I confess heverything, sir. Bonny Betsy's bound for to win the 'andicap. The Dean. No, no — she isn't. Bloeb. She is, sir. The Dean. I know better ; she can never get down the hill with those legs of hers. Bloeb. She can, sir — what's to beat her? The Dean. The horse in my stable — Dandy Dick ! 86 DANDY DICK. Bloee. Dandy Dick! That old bit of ma'ogany, sir. They're layin' ten to one against him. The Dean. [ With hysterical eagerness.] Are they ? I'll take it ! I'll take it ! Bloee. Lord love you, sir — fur how much ? The Deax. Fifty ! There's the money. \_Impulsively he crams the notes into Bloee's hand and then recoils in horror.'] Oh ! \_Sinks into a chair vnth a groan. Bloee. [7"w a ichisper.] Lor', who'd 'ave thohght the Dean was such a ardent sportsman at 'art? He dursn't give me my notice after this. [ To The Dean.] Of course it's understood, sir, that we keep our little weaknesses dark. Houtwardly, sir, we remain re- spectable, and, I 'ope, respected. [_P'iitt!ng the notes into his pocket.] I wish you good-night, sir. \^IIe vmlhs to the door. The Deax muhes an effort to rvcidl him but fails.] And that old man 'as been my pattern and example for years and years! Oh, Edward Blore, your hidol is shattered! [_Ti(riiiiig to The Dean.] Good-night, sir. May your dreams be calm and 'appy, and may you have a good run for your money ! [Bloee goes out — The Dean gradually re- covers his self-possession. The Dean. I — I am upset to-night, Blore. Of course you leave this day month. I — 1 [looking round.] Biore ! He's DANDY DICK. 87 gone ! If I don't call him back the Spire may be richer to-morrow by five hundred pounds. I won't dwell on it. I'll read — I'll read. [/Snatches a hooh at haphazard from the bookshelf. There is the sound of falling rain and distant thunder. ] Rain, thunder. How it assimilates with the tempest of my mind ! I'll read. Bless me ! This is very strange. [Bead- ing.'] " The Horse and its Ailments, by John Cox, M'. R. C. V. S." It was with the aid of this volume that I used to doctor my old mare at Oxford. A leaf turned down. [Reading.] " Simple remedies for chills — the Bolus." The helpless beast in my stable is suffering from a chill. Good gracious ! If I allow Blore to risk my fifty pounds on Dandy Dick, surely it would be advisable to administer this Bolus to the poor animal without delay. [Referring to the hooh hastily.] I have these drugs in my chest. There's not a moment to be lost ! [ G-oing to the hell and ring- ing.] I shall want help. I'll fetch my medicine chest. [He lays the book upon the table atid goes into the JAbrary. Bloeb enters. Bloeb. [Looking round.] Where is he? The bell rang. The Dean's puzzling me with his uncommon be- havior, that he is. [The Dean comes from the Library, carrying a large medicine chest. On encountering Bloee he starts and turns away his head, the picture of guilt. The Dean. Blore, I feel it would be a humane act to admin- ister to the poor ignorant animal in my stable a simple Bolus as a precaution against chill. I rely 88 BANDY DICK. upon your aid and discretion in ministering to any guest in the Deanery. Bloee. \_In a whisper.] I see, sir — you ain't going to lose half a chance for to-morrow, sir — you're a knowin ' one, sir, as the sa;yin' goes ! The Dean. \_Shrinking from Bloee with a groan,] Oh! \_IIe places the medicine chest on the table and takes up the booJc. Handing the book to Bloee with his fingm- on a page.] Fetch these humble but necessary articles from the kitchen — quick. I'll mix the Bolus here. [Bloee goes out quickhj.] It is exactly seven and twenty years since I last approached a horse medi- cally. [^He takes off his coat and lags it on a chair, then rolls his shirt-sleeves up above his elbows and puts on his glasses.] I trust that this Bolus will not give the animal an unfair advantage over his competitors. I don't desire that! I don't desire that ! [Bloee re-enters (xi.rri/ing a tray, on which are a small flour-barrel and roJling-pin, a white china basin, a carafe of water, a napkin, and the book. The Dean recoils, then gniltilg takes the tray from Bloee and puts it on the table.] Thank you. Bloee. \_IIolding on to the 'irindnir curtain and, 'iratchinq The Dean.] His eyes is awful ; I don't seem to know the 'appy Deanery when I see such proceedings a'goin' on at the dead of night. \_There is a heary roll of thunder — The Dean ni.i'.i-es a pudding and stirs it with the rolling-pin. DANDY DICK. 89 The Deak. The old half-forgotten time returns to me. I am once again a promising youth at college. Blore. [ To himself.'] One would think by his looks that he was goin' to poison his family instead of — Poison ! Poison ! Oh, if hanything serious 'appened to the hanimal in our stable there would be nothing in the way of Bonny-Betsy, the deservin' 'orse I've trusted with my 'ard -earned savings ! The Dean. I am walking once again in the old streets at Oxford, avoiding the shops where I owe my youthful bills. Bills ! \_IIe pounds away vigorously with the rolling-pin. Blore. [ To himself.'] Where's the stuff I got a month ago to destroy the hold black retriever that fell hill ? The Deajst. Bills ! Blore. The dog died — ^the poison's in my pantry — it couldn't have got used for cooking purposes. The Deat^t. I see the broad meadows and the tall Spire of the college — ^the Spire ! Oh, my whole life seems made up of Bills and Spires ! Bloee. [ To himself] I'll do it ! I'll do it ! [ Unseen by The Dean he quickly and quietly steals out by the door. 90 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Where are the drugs — the drugs ? [ Opening the medicine chest and bending down over the bottles he pours some drops from a bottle into the basin.'] [Connting.'] Three — four — five — six. \_IIe replaces the bottle and takes another.] How fortunate some animals are ! [ Counting.] One — two — three, four. It's done ! \_Tahing up the medicine chest he goes with it into the Library. As he disappears Bloee re-enters stealthily fingering a small pjaper packet. Bloee. \_In a whisper.] Strychnine ! [ There is a heavy roll of thunder — Bloee darts to the table., empties the con- tents of the packet into the basin., and stirs vigorously with the roUhig-pin.] I've cooked Dandy Dick! I've cooked Dandy Dick ! \_IIe moves from the table in horror^ Oh ! I'm only a hamatoor sportsman and I can't afford a uncertainty. \_As The Dean returns, Bloee starts up guiltily.] Can I help you any more, Sir? The Dean. No, remove these dreadful things, and don't let me see you again to-night! \_Sits leith the basin on his knees., a }ul pro- ceeds to roll the paste. Bloke. \_Eemoving the tray.] It's only an 'orse — it's only an 'orse ! But after to-morrow I'll retire from the Turf, if only to reclaim 'im. \_Ife goes out. DANDY DICK. 91 The Dean. Inputting on his coat.'] I don't contemplate my hu- mane task with resignation. The stable is small, and if the animal is restive we shall be cramped for room. [ The rain is heard.] I shall get a chill too. \_Seeing Sie Teisteam's coat and cap lying upon the settee.] I am sure Mardon will lend me this gladly. ^Putting on the coat, ichich completely envelojys him.] The animal may recognize the garment, and receive me with kindly feeling. [JPutting on the sealskin cap, which almost conceals his face.] Ugh ! why do I feel this dreadful sinking at the heart ? [ Taking the basin and turning out the lamp.] Oh ! if all followers of the veterinary science are as truly wretched as I am, what a noble band they must be ! \_The thunder rolls as he goes through thewindovj curtains. Sie Teisteam, then enters quietly, smoking, and carrying a lighted candle. Sie Teisteam. All right ; Are still burning. \_Blowing out the candle.] I shall doze here till daybreak. What a night ! I never thought there was so much thunder in these small country places. [Geoegiana, looking pale and agitated, and wearing a dressing-gown, enters quickly, carrying an umbrella and a lighted candle. Geoegiana. Which is the nearer way to the stable? I must satisfy myself — I must — I must! [Going to the door.] Sie Teisteam. [Rising suddenly.] Hullo ! 92 DANDY DICK. Geoegiana. \_Shrieks with frif/ht.l Ah! Sir Teistkam. Hush! Geoegiana. \_IIolding out her umbrella.] Stand where you are or I'll flre ! \_Recognizing Sie Tkistkajm.] Tris ! SiE Teisteam. Why, George! Geoegiana. Oh, Tris, I've been dreaming ! {Fallbui helplcsKh/ ar/ainst Sir Teisteam, mAo deposits her in a cJiair.] Oh! oh! oh! Don't look at me ! I'm overtramed. I shall be on my legs again in a minute. \_She opens her umbrella and hides herself behind it, sobbing violently. Sie Teisteam. \_Standing over the umbrella in great concern.] ~Sly goodness ! George, whatever shall I do ? Shall I trot you up and down outside ? Geoegiana. Be quiet ! [/Sobbing.] What are you fooling about here for ? Why can't you lie quietly in your cot ? Sie Teisteam. Confound that cot ! Why, it wouldn't hold my photograph. Where are you going ? Geoegiana. Into the stable to sit with Dandy. The thunder's awful in my room ; when it gets tired it seems to sit HANBT DICK. 93 down on my particular bit of roof. I did doze once, and then I had a frightful dream. I dreamt that Dandy had sold himself to a circus, and that they were hooting him because he had lost his tail. There's an omen I SiE Teistram. Don't, 'don't — be a man, George, be a man ! Geoegiana. \_SJmtting her umbrella.] I know I'm dreadfully effeminate. There — Tidd's himself again ! Sir Teisteam. Bravo ! Gboegiats-a. Ah, Tris — don't think me soft, old man. I'm a lonely, Tinlucky woman, and the tail end of this horse 3 3 all that's left me in the world to love and to cling 1o! Sir Teisteam. No, by Jove ! I'm not such a mean cur as that ! kSwop halves and take his head, George, my boy. GEOEGIAliTA. Not I ! I'm like a doating mother to my share of Dandy, and it's all the dearer because it's an invalid. I'm off. SiE Teisteam. Come along ! [ Turning towards the window., she following him, he suddenly stops and looks at her, 'and seizes her hand.] George, I never guessed that you were so tender-hearted. Gboegiana. Well, I'm not. 94 DANDY DICK. Sir Tbisteam. And you've robbed me to-night of an old friend — a pal. Geoegiasta. I — what d'ye mean ? Sib Tbisteam. I mean that I seem to have dropped the acquaint- ance of George Tidd, Esquire, forever. Geoegiasta. Tris — no. SiE Teisteam. I have — but I've got an introduction to his twin- sister, Georgiana ! Geoegiana. \_8natching her hand away angrily.'] Stay where you are; I'll nurse my half alone. \_She goes to- wards the window, then starts back.~\ Hush ! SiE Teisteam. What's the matter ? Geoegiana. Didn't you hear something ? SiE Tbisteam. Where ? Geoegiana. \_Pointing to the wiiidoir.] There. SiE Tbisteaji. \_Peeping through the ci/rt'ii/is. [You're right. Some people moving about the garden. DANDY DICK. 95 Geoegiaka. Tris! The horse! SiE Teisteam. They're not near the stables. They're coming in here. Hush ! We'll clear out and watch ! [SiE Teisteam takes the candlestick and they go out, leaving the room in darkness. The curtains at the window are pushed aside, and Salome and Sheba e7iter ; both in their fancy dresses. Salome. \_2n a rage, lighting the candles on the mantelpiece.'] Oh! oh! oh! Sheba. Oh! oh! No ball after all ! Salome. If we only had a brother to avenge us ! Sheba. I shall try and borrow a brother to-morrow ! Salome. Cold, wretched, splashed, in debt — for nothing ! Sheba. To think that we've had all the inconvenience of being wicked and rebellious and have only half done it! Salome. This comes of stooping to the Military ! Sheba. It serves us right — we've been trained for clergy- men's wives. I hate Nugent Darbey. I hope he may grow bald early ! 96 DANDY DICK. Salome. Gerald Tarver's nose is inclined to pink — may it deepen and deepen till it frightens cows ! [ Voices are heard from the curtained witidow recess. Daebet. [Outside.'] Miss Jedd— Sheba! Taever. [ Outside.l Pray hear two wretched men ! Miss Jedd! Salome. [Jn a whisper."] There they are. Sheba. Shall we grant them a dignified interview ? Salome. Yes. Curl your lip, Sheba. Sheba. You curl your lip better than I — I'll dilate my nostrils. [Salome draws aside the curtain. Tarver ho loohs ex- tremely weakly. Taevee. Pardon this informal method of presenting our- selves. Salome. You do well, gentlemen, to intrude upon two feeble women at a moment of sorrow. Sheba. One step further, and I shall ask Major Tarver, who is nearest the bell, to ring for help. [Taevee sinks into a chair. Daebey. [^Standing by the side o/'Taevee.] There now. The fact is. Miss Jedd, that Tarver is m an exceedingly critical condition. Feeling that he has incurred your displeasure he has failed even in the struggle to gain the race-course. I have taken him to Dr. Middleton and I explained that Major Tarver loved with a pas- sion [looking at Sheba] second only to my own. Salojie. [Sitting comfortably on the settee.] Oh, we cannot listen to you, Mr. Darbey. Sheba. Go on, sir, if you can. [ The two girls exchange looks. DANDY DICK. 137 Daebet. The Doctor made a searching examination of the Major's tongue and diagnosed that, unless the Major at once proposed to the lady in question and was accepted, three weeks or a month at the seaside would be absolutely imperative. Shall I continue? Saloiee. Oh, certainly. I am helpless. Sheba. We are curious to see to what lengths you will go. Daebby. The pitiable condition of my poor friend speaks for itself. Salome. I beg your pardon — it does nothing of the kind. Taevee. [^Rising with difficulty and approaching Salome.] Salome— I have loved you distractedly for upwards of eight weeks. Salome. [ Going to him.'\ Oh, Major Tarver, let me pass ; \Jiolding his coat firmly] let me pass, I say. Taevee. Unless you push me, never ! Sheba. Spare me this scene, Mr. Darbey. VDarb^^ follows Sheba across the room. 138 DANDY DICK. Taever. To a man in my condition love is either a rapid and fatal malady, or it is an admirable digestive. Accept me, and my merry laugh once more rings through the Mess Koom. Reject me, and my collec- tion of vocal music, loose and in volumes, will be brought to the hammer, and the bird, as it were, will trill no more. Salome. And is it really I who would hush the little throaty songster ? Taevee.- Certainly. [ Taking a sheet of pajyer from his poc/cet.'] i have the Doctor's certificate to that effect. \_Jioth reading the certificate they walk into Library. Sheba. Oh, Mr. Darbey, I have never thought of marriage seriously. Daebey. People never do till they are married. Sheba. But think, only thmk of my age. Daebet. Pardon me, Sheba — but what is your age ? Sheba. Oh, it is so very little — it is not worth mention- ing. Cannot we remain friends and occasionally correspond ? DANDY DICK. 139 Daebet. Well, of course — if you insist Sheba. No, no, I see that is impracticable. It must be wed or part. All I ask is time — time to ponder over such a question, time to know myself better. Daebet. Certainly, how long ? Sheba. Give me two or three minutes. Hush! \_They separate as Taevee and Salome re- enter the room. Taevee is glaring excit- edly and biting his nails. Taevee. I never thought I should live to be accepted by anyone. I shall buy some gay songs. Er — when can I see the Dean ? Salome. Oh, don't! Taevee. Salome ! Salome. Papa has been out all night. Darbet and Taevee. All night? Salome. Isn't it terrible! Oh, what do you think of it. Mr. Darbey ? 140 DANDY DICK. Daebet. Shocking, but we oughtn't to condemn him un- heard. Salojee. Condemn my Papa ! Sheba. \_At the loindow.] Here's Aunt Georgiana ! Daebet. Eh ! Look out, Tarver. [ Goinij out quickly. Salome. [Pulling Taevbe after her.] Come this way and let us take cuttings in the conservatory. [ They go oict. Sheba. Mr. Darbey! Mr. Darbey, wait for me — I have decided. Yes. l^&'he goes out hy the door as Geoegiana enters excitedly at the window. Geoegiaxa. [ Waving her handkerchief.'] Come on, Tris ! The course is clear ! Mind the gate-post ! Hold him up ! Now give him his head ! SiE Teisteam and Hatoihaji eiiter by the vimloir carrying The Dean. They all look as though they have been recently engaged i7i a prolonged struggle. Sie Teisteam. Put him down ! Geoegiana. Put him down ! HANDY DICK. 141 Hatch AM. That I will, ma'aiii, and gladly. [ They deposit The Dean in a chair and Gboegiana and Sih Teisteam each seize a hand, feeling The Deaist's jow^se, while Hatcham puts his hand on The Dean's heart. The Dean. [ Opening his eyes. J Where am I now ? Geoegiana. He lives ! Hurrah ! Cheer man, cheer ! SiE Teisteam and Hatcham. [ Quietly.] Hurrah ! [ To Hatcham. J We can't shout here, go and cheer as loudly as you can in the I'oadway by yourself. Hatcham. Yes, Sir. [Hatcham runs out at the loindow. The Dean. [ Gradually recovering.] Georgiaua — Mardon. SiE Teisteam. How are you, Jedd, old boy ? Geoegiana. How do you feel now, Gus ? The Dean. Tom to fragments. Sib Teisteam. So you are. Thank heaven, he's conscious / 142 DANDY DICK. The Deax. I feel as if I had been walked over carefully by a large concourse of the lower orders ! Gborgiaxa. So you have been. Thank heaven, his memory is all right. [Hatcham's voice is heard in the distance cheering. They all listen. Sir Tristeam. That's Hatcham, I'll raise his wages. The Dean. Do I understand that I have been forcibly and illegally rescued ? Sir Tristram. That's it, old fellow. The Dean. Who has committed such a reprehensible act ? SiE Tristram. A woman who would have been a heroine in any age — Georgiana ! The Dean. Georgiana, I am bound to overlook it, in a rela- tive, but never let this occur again. Sir Tristram. Tell him. Georgiana. You found out that that other woman's plan went lame, didn't you ? DANDY DICK. 143 The Dean. I discovered its ineflftcacy, after a prolonged period of ineffectual whistling. Georgian A. But we ascertained the road the genial constable was going to follow. He was bound for the edge of the hill, up Pear Tree Lane, to watch the Races. Directly we knew this, Tris and I made for the Hill. Bless your soul, there were hundreds of my old friends there — welshers, pick-pockets, card-sharpers, all the lowest race-course cads in the kingdom. In a minute I was in the middle of 'em, as much at home as a Duchess in a Drawing-room. SiE Teisteam. A Queen in a Palace ! Georgiana. Boadicea among the Druids ! " Do you know me ? " I holloaed out. Instantly there was a cry of " Blessed if it 'aint George Tidd ! " Tears of real joy sprang to my eyes — while I was wiping them away Tris had his pockets emptied and I lost my watch. Sm Tristram. Ah, Jedd, it was a glorious moment ! Geoegiana. Tris made a back, and I stood on it, supported by a correct-card merchant on either side. "Dear friends," I said; "Brothers! I'm with you once again." You should have heard the shouts of honest welcome. Before I could obtain silence my field glasses had gone on their long journey. "Listen to 144 DANDY DICK. me," I said. "A very dear relative of mine has been collared for playing the three-card trick on his way down from town." There was a groan of sympathy. " He'll be on the brow of the Hill with a bobby in half-an-hour," said I, " who's for the res- cue ? " A dead deep silence followed, broken only by the sweet voice of a young child, saying, " What'll we get for it ? " "A pound a-piece," said I. There was a roar of assent, and my concluding words, " and possibly six months," were never heard. At that moment Tris' back could stand it no longer, and we came heavily to the ground together. \_Seizing The Dbast hy the hand and dragging him up.'] Now you know whose hands have led you back to your own manger. \_JEmbracing him.'] And oh, brother, confess — isn't there something good and noble in true English sport after all ? The Dean. Every abused institution has its redeeming charac- teristic. But whence is the money to come to reward these dreadful persons ? I cannot reasonably ask my girls to organize a bazaar or concert. Geoegiai^a. Concert ! I'm a rich woman. The Dean. Rich! Georgiana. Well, I've cleared fifteen hundred over the Handi- cap. The Dean. [Mecoiling.] No ! Then the horse who enjoyed the shelter of the Deanery last night Dandy Dick I Won! DANDY DICK. 145 Sir Teisteam, The Deait. Geoegiana. In a common canter ! All the rest nowhere, and Bonny Betsy walked in with the. policeman; The Dean. [ To himself.'] Five hundred pounds towards the Spire ! Five hundred! Oh, where is Blore with the good news ! SiE Teisteam. Look at him ! Lively as a cricket ! The Deaist. Sir Tristram, I am under the impression that your horse swallowed reluctantly a small portion of that bolus last night before I was surprised and removed. SiE Teisteam. By the bye, I am expecting the analysis of that concoction every minute. The Dbait. Spare yourself the trouble — the secret is with me. I seek no acknowledgment from either of you, but in your moment of deplorable triumph remember with gratitude the little volume of " The Horse and its Ailments" and the prosaic name of its humane author— John Cox. \_IIe goes out through the Library. Geoegiana. But oh, Tris Mardon, what can I ever say to you? 10 146 DANDT DICK. SiE Teisteam. Anything you like except " Thank you ! " Gboegiana. Don't stop me? Why, you were the man who hauled Augustin out of the cart by Ms legs ! SiE Teisteam. Oh, but why mention such trifles ? GEOEGIATfA. They're not trifles. And when his cap fell off, it was you — brave fellow that you are — who pulled the horse's nose- bag over my brother's head so that he shouldn't be recognized. SiE Teisteam. My dear Georgiana, these are the common cour- tesies of every-day life. Geoegiana. They are acts which any true woman would esteem. Gus won't readily forget the critical moment when all the cut chaff ran down the back of his neck — ^nor shall I. SiE Teisteam. 'Not shall I forget the way in which you gave Dandy his whisky out of a soda water bottle just before the race. Georgian A. That's nothing — any lady would do the same. SiE Teisteam. Nothing ! You looked like the Florence Nightin- gale of the paddock! Oh, Georgiana, why, why, why won't you marry me ? DANDY DICK. 147 Geoegiana. Why! Sir Tristeam. Why? GEOEGIAlSrA. Why ! Because you've only just asked me, Tris I [ G^oes to him cordially. SiE Teisteam. But when I touched your hand last night, you reared ! Gboegiana. Yes, Tris, old man, but love is founded on mutual esteem, last night you hadn't put my brother's head in that nose-bag. [They go together to the fireplace, he with his arm round her loaist. Sheba. [^Looking in at the door.] How annoying ! There's Aunt and Sir Tristram in this room — Salome and Major Tarver are sitting on the hot pipes in the con- servatory — where am I and Mr. Darbey to go? Papa ! Come back ! \_She withdraws quickly as The Dean enters through the Library carrying a paper in his hand ; he has now resumed his normal appearance. The Deats-. Home ! What sonorous music is in the word ! Home, with the secret of my sad misfortune buried in the bosoms of a faithful few. Home, with my family influence intact ! Home, with the sceptre of 148 DANDY DICK. my dignity still tight in my grasp ! What is this I have picked up on the stairs ? [^Heads with a horrified looJe, as Hatcham enters at the window. Hatcham. Beg pardon, Sir Tristram. SiE Teistkam. What is it ? Hatcham. The chemist has just brought the annah'sis. SiE Tkistkam. Where is he ? [Sir Teisteam and Geoegiana go oitt at the window, following Hatcham. The Dean. It is too horrible ! \_Readi7ig.] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen, Bow Street — Total, Forty pounds, nineteen ! " There was a fancy masked ball at Durnstone last night ! Salome — Sheba — no, no! Salome and Sheba. [Sounding in and rushing at The Dean.] Papa, Papa! Salome. Our own Papa ! Sheba. Papsey ! [Salome seizes his hands, Sheba 7iis coat-tails, and turn him round violently. Salome. Our parent returned 1 DANDY DICK. 149 Shbba. Papsey — come back ! The Deai^. Stop! Salome. Papa, why have you tortured us with anxiety? Sheba. Where have you been, you naughty man ? The Deatst. Before I answer a question, which, from a child to its parent, partakes of the unpardonable vice of curiosity, I demand an explanation of this disrep- utable document. [^Reading.'] "Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen." Oh! S.ALOMB and Sheba. [Sheba sits aghast on the table — Salome tractedly falls on the floor. The Dbak. I will not follow this legend in all its revolting intricacies. Suffice it, its moral is inculcated by the mournful total. Forty pounds, nineteen ! Imps of deceit! \_LooMng from one to the other.'] There was a ball at Durnstone last night. I know it. Sheba. Spare us ! Salome. Tou couldn't have been there, Papa! 150 DANDY DICK. The Dean. There! I trust I was better — that is, otherwise employed. \_Ref erring to the bill.'] Which of my hith- erto trusted daughters was a lady — no, I will say a person — of the period of the French Revolution ? [Shbba jooiwto to Saiome. The Dean^. And a flower-girl of an unknown epoch. [Salome points to Shbba.] To your respective rooms ! [ The girls cling together.] Let your blinds be drawn. At seven porridge will be brought to you. Salome. The Dean. Shbba. The Dean. Papa! Go! Papsey ! Go! Salome. Papa, we, poor girls as we are, can pay the bill. The Dean. You cannot — go ! Shbba. Through the kindness of our Aunt — Salome. We have won fifty pounds. The Dean. What ! Shbba. At the Races 1 DANDY DICK. 151 The Dean. l^HecoiUng.'] Tou too ! You too drawn into the vortex ! Is there no conscience that is clear — is there no guilessness left in this house, with the possible ex- ception of my own ! Sheba. [/Sobbing.'] We always knew a little more than you gave us credit for, Papa. The Deaw. {^Handing Sheba the bill.'] Take this horrid thing — never let it meet my eyes again. As for the scandal- ous costumes, they shall be raffled for in aid of local charities. Confidence, that precious pearl in the snug shell of domesticity, is at an end between us. I chastise you both by permanently withholding from you the reason of my absence from home last night. Go ! [ The girls totter out as Sie Teisteam enters quickly at the window, followed by Gkoegiana, carrying the basin containing the bolus. Sie Teistbam has an opened letter in his hand. Sie Teisteam. Good heavens, Jedd ! the analysis has arrived ! The Deam". I am absolutely indifferent ! Geoegiana and Sie Teisteam. Indifferent ! The Deak. [ To Geoegian-a.] How dare you confront me with- out even the semblance of a blush — ^you who have 152 DANDY DICK. enabled my innocent babies, for the first time ivi their lives, to discharge one of their own accountfi. Geoegiana. There isn't a blush in our family— if there were, you'd want it. [Shbba a?id Salome appear outside the window, looking in. SiE Teisteam. Jedd, you were once my friend, and you are to be my relative. The Deajst. \_LooMng at Geoegiana.] My sister ! [ To Sie Teis- team.] I offer no opposition. Sir Teisteam. But not even our approaching family tie prevents ray designating you as one of the most atrocious con- spirators known in the history of the Turf. The Deak. Conspirator ! Sie Teisteam. As the owner of one-half of Dandy Dick, I de- nounce you I Geoegiana. As the owner of the other half, I denounce you! The Dean. You! SiiEiiA and Salome enter, andremain standing in the recess, listening. BANDY DICK. 153 Sib Teisteam. The chief ingredient of your infernal preparation is known. The Deaist. It contains nothing that I would not cheerfully administer to my own children. GBOEGIAlfA. \_In horror'] Oh ! Sir Teisteam. I believe you. [Pointing to the paper."] Strychnine ! Sixteen grains ! Saxomb and Shkba. [ Clinging to each other terrified.] Oh ! The Dean. Strychnine ! Summon my devoted servant Blore, in whose presence the innocuous mixture was com- pounded. [Geoegiana rings the bell. The girls hide behind the window curtains.] This analysis is simply the pardonable result of over-enthusiasm on the part of our local chemist. Georgiana. You're a disgrace to the pretty little police station where you slept last night ! [Bloee enters and stands unnoticed. The Dean^. I will prove that in the Deanery Stables the com- mon laws of hospitality have never been transgressed. < iive me the bowl ! [Geoegiana hands The Dean the basin from the table.] A simple remedy for a chill. 154 DANDY DICK. Geoegiana and Sik Teisteam. Strychnine — sixteen grains ! The Dean. I, myself, am suffering from the exposure of last night. [ Taking the remaining bolus and opening his mouth!] Observe me ! Bloee. \Iiushing forward, snatching the basin from The Dbakt and sinking on to his knees.] No, no ! Don't, don't ! You woiildn't 'ang the holdest servant in the Deanery. The Dean. Blore ! Bloee. I did it ? I 'ad a honest fancy for Bonny Betsy, and I wanted this gentleman's 'orse out of the way. And while you was mixing the dose with the best ecclesiastical intentions, I hintroduced a foreign ele- ment. The Dean. [^Pulling Bloee up hy his coat collar.'] Viper ! Bloee. Oh sir, it was haU for the sake of the Dean. Sm Teisteam. The Dean? Bloee. The dear Dean had only Fifty Pounds to spare for sporting purposes, and I thought a gentleman of 'is 'igh standing ought to have a certainty. BANDT DICK. 155 Sir Teisteam. Jedd! Geoegiana. Augustin ! The Deait. I can conceal it no longer — ^I — I instructed this unworthy creature to back Dandy Dick on behalf of the Restoration Fund. Sir Teisteam. l^ShaJcing Bloeb.] And didn't you do it? Bloee. No. The Dean. Why not ? In the name of that tottering Spire, why not ? Bloee. Oh, sir, thinking as you'd given some of the mix- ture to Dandy I put your cheerful little offering on to Bonny Betsy. [Saxome and Shbba disappear. The Deak. Oh ! [ To Bloee.] I could have pardoned everything but this last act of disobedience. You are unworthy of the Deanery. Leave it for some ordinary house- hold. Bloee. If I leave the Deanery, I shall give my reasons, and then what'U folks think of you and me in our old age ? The DEAif. ' You wouldn't spread this tale in St. Marvells ? 156 DANDY DICK. Bloee. Not if sob^r, sir — but suppose grief drove me to my cups ? The Dean. I must save you from intemperance at any cost. Remain in my service — a sad, sober and, above all, a silent man ! [Salome and Sheba appear as Bloee ffoes out through the window. Salome. Papa! The Deait. To your rooms I I am distracted ! Salome. Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey ! The Dean. If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so. Sheba. No, no. Papa ; we have accidentally discovered that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if not to crime. The Dean. \_Staggering back.^ Oh 1 Sheba. "We are still young — the sooner, therefore, we are removed from any unfortunate influence the better. DANDY DICK. 157 Salome. We have an opportunity of beginning life afresh. Shbba. These two gallant gentlemen have proposed for us. The Dean. Then I am at home. Where are they ? \^ITe goes out rapidly, followed by Salome and Sheba. Directly they have disap- peared, Noah Topping, looking dishev- elled, rushes in at the window, with Hannah clinging to him. ISTOAH. [^Glaring round the room,.] Is this 'ere the Deanery ? [Gboegiana and Sib Tbisteam come to him. Hannah. Noahry, Noah, come back ! Noah. Theer's been a man rescued from my lawful cus- tody while my face was unofficially held downwards in the mud. The villain has been traced back to the Deanery. Sib Tbisteam. Go away ! Hannah. Come away ! Noah. The man was a unknown lover of my nooly made AVife ! 158 DANDY DICK. Gboegiana. You mustn't bring your domestic affairs here; this is a subject for your own fireside of an evening. [The Dean appears outside the ■diindow with Salome, Sheba, Taevek and Daebet. The Dean. [ Outside.2 Come in, Major Tarver — come in, Mr. Darbey ! Noah. That's his voice ! The Dean enters, followed hy Saloiie, Taevee, Sheba and Daebet. Noah. [ Confronting The Dean.] My man. Hannah. No, no, Noahry ! Geoegiana. You're speaking to Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvell's. Noah. I'm speaking to the man I took last night — the culprit as 'as allynated the affections of my wife. Sir Tristeam. Wait — one moment ! [ Going out at the windoto. [Salome and Taevee go into the Library and sit at the writing-table. Daebet sits in an arm-chair with Sheba on the arm. DANDY DICK. 159 The Dbak. [Mildly.^ Do not let us chide a man who is con- scientious even in error. [Loohing at Hannah.] I think I se6 Hannah Evans, once an excellent cook under this very roof. Hannah. I'm Mrs. Topping now, sir — bride o' the constable. And oh, do forgive him — he's a mass o' ignorance. Noah. Coom away ! [Hannah returns to Noah, as Sib Teisteam re-enters with Hatcham. SiE Teisteam. [ To Hatcham.] Hatcham — [pointing to The Dean] — Is that the man you and the Constable secured in the stable last night ? Hatcham. That, sir ! Bless your 'art, sir, that's the Dean 'imself. Sir Teisteam, That'll do. Hatcham. [To Noah.] Why, our man was a short, thin individual ! [Hatcham goes out at the window. The Dbait. [ To Noah.] I trust you are perfectly satisfied. Noah. [Wipinff Ms brow and looking puzzled.'] I'm doon. 160 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Don't trouble further. T withdraw unreservedly any charge against this unknown person found on my premises last night. I attribute to him the most innocent intentions. Hannah, you and your worthy husband will stay and dine in my kitchen. Good afternoon. Noah. Is it a 'ot dinner ? The Dbam". Hot — with ale. ISTOAH. \_Turning angrily to Hannah. J iSTow then, you don't know a real gentleman when you see one. Why don't 'ee thank the Dean warmly ? Hannah. \_Kissing The Dean's hands with a curtsey. \ Thank you, sir. The Dean. [JSenignly.] Go — go. I take a kindly interest in you both. \_They hack out., hovnng and curtseying. Gboegiana. Well, Gus, you're out of all your troubles. Are you happy ? The Dean. Happy! My family influence gone forever — my dignity crushed out of all recognition — the genial summer of the Deanery frosted by the winter of Deceit. DANDY DICK. 161 Geoegiana. Ah, Gus, when once you lay the whip about the withers of the horse called Deception he takes the bit between his teeth, and only the devil can stop him — and he'd rather not. Shall I tell you who has been riding the horse hardest? The Deak. Who? Geoegiana. The Dean, The Deak. Georgiana ! I'm surprised at you. [Sheba sits at the piano and plays a bright air softly — Daebey standing behind her — Salome a,nd Taevee staiid in the archway. Geoegiah^a. {^Slapping The Dean- on the back.'] Look here, Augustin, George Tidd will lend you that thousand for the poor, innocent old Spire. The Dean. [ Taking her hand.] Oh, Georgiana ! Geoegiana. On one condition — that you'll admit there's no harm in our laughing at a Sporting Dean. The Dean. No, no — I cannot allow it! Geoegiasta. Tris ! My brother Gus doesn't want us to be merry at his expense. [ They both laugh. 162 DANDY DICK. The Dean. - [ Trying to silence them.'] No, no ! I forbid it ! Hush! SiK Teisteam. Why, Jedd, there's no harm in laughter, for those who laugh or those who are laughed at. Gboegiana. Provided always — firstly, that it is Folly that is laughed at and not Virtue ; secondly, that it is our friends who laugh at us, [to the audience'] as we hope they all will, for our pains. THE END.