:i|l||.;„;%,^'l|f//'^ CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY ENGLISH COLLECTION THE GIFT OF JAMES MORGAN HART PROFESSOR OF ENGUSH arV1197 Phoenixiana- Cornell University Library "3""i924 031 223 609 olin,anx Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924031223609 Note. —This autograph may be relied on as authentic, as it was written by one of Mr. Squibob's most intimate friends. PHCENIXIANA; SKETCHES AND BURLESQUES. BY JOHN PHCENIX. "In the name of the Prophet — Figs." NEW YORK: D. APPLETON" AND OOMPANT, 846 & 848 BEOADWAT. 1856. Entered according to Act of Congress, iu the year 1855, by D. APPLETON & COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the TTnitcd States for the Soathem District of New York. TO DR. CHARLES M. HITCHCOCK, OF SAN FRANOISCO, MY EAELIEST, KINDI3T, AND MOST CONSTANT FBIEND, Bf)tse Sifittcfieii AKE AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED Br THE AUTHOE. PKEFACE. This book is merely a collection of sundry sketches, recently puMished in the newspapers and magazines of California. They were received with approval, sep- arately, and it is to he hoped they may meet with it on their appearance in a collected form. When first published, the Author supposed he had seen and heard the last of them, but circumstances entirely beyond his control have led to their republication. The Author does not flatter himself that he has made any very great addition to the literature of the age, by this performance ; but if his book turns out to be a very bad one, he wiU be consoled by the reflec- tion that it is by no means the first, and probably will not be the last of that kind, that has been given to the Public. Meanwhile, this is, by the blessing of 6 Divine Providence, and through the exertions of the Immortal Washington, a free country ; and no man can be compelled to read any thing against his inclina- tion. With unbounded respect for every body, The Author remains, JOHN PHGENIX. Sak Feanoisoo, July 15, 1855. A WORD TO THE READER. It is proper to state, that while the following pages are collected with the permission of the Author, and thus pre- sented in a book-form, he has yet himself not been consulted in any manner in relation to the order of arrangement of its contents ; and it is quite probable, that his severer taste and better judgment might have operated to exclude some things which are here embraced. The Editor can only say, that preparing the volume hastily for the press, he has done the best he could in the premises ; and only begs that the sin of omission or of commission that may be observable in these pages, should not be visited upon the head of the Author. J. J. A. &AJS Dmao, Gal., October, 1855. CONTENTS, •-•-• FAGB OrFiciAL Bepoet of Peofessor John Phcekix, A. M 13 Of a Military Snrvey and Eeconnoissanoe of the Eoute ftom San Fran- cisco to the Mission of Dolores, made with a view to ascertain the practicability of connecting those points by a Bailroad. A New System of English Grammar, 32 Musical Eeview Exteaordinaey, 42 Theatrical Criticism— The Performance of Tarbox's " Ode Symphonic," " The Plains," at the San Diego Odeon. LEcrimES on Astronomy, 51 Introductory— Chapter I. The Sun. Chapter II. Mercury, Yenus, the Earth, the Moon. Pistol Shooting — A Cocnter Challenge 67 Antidote for Fleas 71 Fhcenix at the Mission Dolores, 73 Sqcibob in Benicia, 78 Squibob in Sonoma, 85 10 CONTENTS. FA OB Squibob in San Francisco, 89 Phcenix Installed Editor of the San Diego Herald, 96 Hia Salutatory— Mr. Kerren aad the Chaplain— The Squire's Story— Ad- vertises for a Library— The Comedy of Errors— Interview between Governor Bigler and Judge Ames— The Ban Diego Boys run forty- eight hours — Phoenix advertises for a Servant — An apt Quotation — Charley Poole's Water—" Many a Slip 'tween the Cup and the Lip " — ^Discourses on Matters Political — Receives a Communication from "Leonidaa"— Comments thereon— An incident of the Election— A Game of Poker— Courageous Attack on a Spaniard— A Syllogism— Eeturn of the Editor — Phoenix's Valedictory— Defends his erratic Ed- itorial course, and finally turns Democrat — Interview between the Editor and Phoenix — Desperate Personal Encounter, in which both parties get badly beaten — The matter amicably settled " without pre- judice to the honor of either party." Illustrated Newspapers, ^ 116 Phcenix issues an Illustrated edition of the Herald — Magnificent and costly engravings, including the celebrated first interview between Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe and the Duchess of Sutherland — Landseer's View of a San Diego Sanch. SANDYAQO — ^A SOLOQUTj 124 Fourth of July Celebration in San Diegjo, 126 Procession— Oration — Dinner, &c Melancholy Accident, 129 Dea,th of a Toung Man— Mr. Mudge's Durge on the Deth of the Same — Also an EpitafT. Second, Third and Fourth Editions of the Pictorial Herald, 133 A Full Account of the Formation of the San Francisco An- tiquarian SociEi'Y, AND California Academy of Arts and Sciences, X38 CONTENTS. 11 PAOB The Ladies' Relief Soceity, 146 Extraordinary Proceedings— Strong-minded Women — Phcenix horror- stricken at finding his wife among them— He swoons— la discovered and is unceremonioiisly kicked, out of the Eoom. Inauguration op the New Collector of Customs, in San Fran- cisco. Tremendous Excitement! *- 151 Squibob "Down on" Street Introductions 161 Squibob at the Play, 166 "What be saw and heard there— Another Squibob ia the Field— The origi- nal is killed by the Evening Journal — An Instructive Fable. The Literary Contribution Box, 172 Lines to Lola Montes, A Very Mournful Chapter, 176 Giving the particulars of Squibob's Death— A Spiritual Medium ex- perimenting with the Corpse — Judge Edmonds thrown completely in the shade— Startling Manifestations — Squibob Resurrected I— His Last Words— lie expires for the last time " positively without re- 3erve.'' Return of the Collector from Stockton, 181 Thrilling and Frantic Excitement among OflQce-Seekers — Procession and Speech. Ph ^'^""'-P- A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH aEAMMAK. I HAVE often thought that the adjectives of the English lan- guage were not sufficiently definite for the purposes of de- scription. They have but three degrees of comparison — ^a very insufficient number, certainly, when we consider that they are to be applied to a thousand objects, which, though of the same general class or quality, differ from each other by a thousand different shades or degrees of the same peculiarity. Thus, though there are three hundred and sixty-five days in a year, all of which must, from the nature of things, differ from each other in the matter ^of climate, — we have but half a dozen expressions to convey to one another our ideas of this inequality. We say — " It is a fine day; " " It is a very fine day;" "It is the j^wes^ day we have seen;" or, "It is an unpleasant day;" "A very unpleasant day;" "The most unpleasant day we ever saw." But it is plain, that none of these expressions give an exact idea of the nature of the day ; and the two superlative expressions are generally untrue. I A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 33 onoe heard a gentleman remark, on a rainy, snowy, windy and (in the ordinary English language) indescribable day, that it was " most preposterous weather." He came nearer to giving a correct idea of it, than he could have done by any ordinary mode of expression ; but his description was not sufficiently definite. Again : — we say of a lady — " She is beautiful ; " " She is very beautiful," or " She is perfectly beautiful; " — descrip- , tions, which, to one who never saw her, are no descriptions at all, for among thousands of women he has seen, probably no two are equally beautiful ; and as to ^perfectly beautiful woman, he knows that no such being was ever created — un- less by G. P. R. James, for one of the two horsemen to fall in love with, and marry at the end of the second volume. If I meet Smith in the street, and ask him — as I am pretty sure to do — " How he does ? " he infallibly replies — " TdleraMe, thank you " — ^whioh gives me no exact idea of Smith's health — for he has made the same reply to me on a hundred different occasions — on every one of which there must have been some slight shade of difference in his physi- cal economy, and of course a corresponding change in his feelings. To a man of a mathematical turn of mind — to a student and lover of the exact sciences these inaccuracies of expres- sion — this inability to understand exactly how things are, must be a constant source of annoyance ; and to one who, like myself, unites this turn of mind to an ardent love of truth, for its own sake — ihe reflection that the English 2* 34 A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. language does not en^ible us to speak the truth with exact- ness, is peculiarly painful. For this reason I have, with some trouble, made myself thoroughly acquainted with every ancient and modern language, in the hop? that I might find some one of them that would enable me to express precisely my ideas ; but the same insufficiency of adjectives exist in all except that of the Flathead Indians of Puget Sound, which consists of but forty-six words, mostly nouns ; but to the constant use of which exists the objection, that nobody but that tribe can understand it. And as their literary and scientific advancement is not such as to make a residence among them, for a man of my disposition, desirable, I have abandoned the use of their language, in the belief that for me it is hyas. cuUus., or as the Spaniard hath it, no me vale nada. ^ Despairing, therefore, of making new discoveries in foreign languages, I have set myself seriously to work to reform our own ; and have, I think, made an important dis- covery, which, when developed into a system and universally adopted, will give a precision of expression, and a consequent clearness of idea, that will leave little to be desired, and will, I modestly hope, immortalize my humble name as the pro- mulgator of the truth and the benefactor of the human race. Before entering upon my system I will give you an ac- count of its discovery (which, perhaps I might with more modesty term an adaptation and enlargement of the idea of another), which will surprise you by its simplicity, and like A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 35 the method of standing eggs on end, of Columbus, the inven- tions of printing, gunpowder and the mariner's compass — prove another exemplification of the truth of Hannah More's beautifiiUy expressed sentiment : " Large streams from little fomitaias flow, Large aches from little toe-corns grow." During the past week my attention was attracted by a large placard embellishing the corners of our streets, headed in mighty capitals, with the word " Phrenology," and illus- trated by a map of a man's head, closely shaven, and laid off in lots, duly numbered from one to forty-seven. Beneath this edifying illustration appeared a legend, informing the inhabitants of San Diego and vicinity that Professor Dodge had arrived, and taken rooms (which was inaccurate, as he had but one room) at the Gyascutus Houge, where he would be happy to examine and furnish them with a chart of their heads, showing the moral and intellectual endowments, at the low price of three dollars each. Always gratified with an opportunity of spending my money and making scientific researches, I immediately had my hair cut and carefully combed, and hastened to present myself and my head to the Professor's notice. I found him a tall and thin Professor, in a suit of rusty, not to say seedy black, with a closely buttoned vest, and no perceptible shirt- collar or wristbands. His nose was red, his spectacles were blue, and he wore a brown wig, beneath which, as I subse- quently ascertained, his bald head was laid off in lots, marked 36 A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GKAMMAR. and numbered with Indian ink, after the manner of the dia- gram upon his advertisement. Upon a small table lay many little books with yellow covers, several of the placards, pen and ink, a pair of iron callipers with brass knobs, and six dollars in silver. Having explained the object of my visit, and increased the pile of silver by six half-dollars from my pocket — ^whereat he smiled, and I observed he wore false teeth — (scientific men always do; they love to encourage art) the Professor placed me in a chair, and rapidly manipu- lating my head, after the manner of a sham jpooji (I am not certain as to the orthography of this expression), said that my temperament was "lymphatic, nervous, bilious." I remarked that " I thought myself dyspeptic," but he made no reply. Then seizing on the callipers, he embraced with them my head in various places, and made note? upon a «nall card that lay near him on the table. He then stated that my " hair was getting very thin on the top," placed in my hand one of the yellow-covered books, which I found to be an almanac containing anecdotes about the virtues of Dodge's Hair Invigorator, and recommending it to my perusal, he remarked that he was agent for the sale of this wonderful fluid, and urged me to purchase a bottle — ^price two dollars. Stating my willingness to do so, the Professor produced it from a hair trunk that stood in a corner of the room, which he stated, by the way, was originally an ordinary pine box, on which the hair had grown since " the Invigorator " had been placed in it — (a singular fact) and recommended me to be cautious in wearing gloves while rubbing it upon my head, A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH SRAMMAK. 37 as unhappy accidents had occurred — ^the hair growing freely from the ends of the fingers, if used with the bare hand. He then seated himself at the table, and rapidly filling up what appeared to me a blank certificate, he soon handed over the following singular document. " Pheenoloqioal Chart of the head of M. John Phcenix, by Flatbroke B. Dodge, Professor of Phrenology, and inventor and proprietor of Dodge's celebrated Hair Invigorator, Stimulator of the Oonsoienoe, and Arouser of the Mental Faculties : Temperament, — LympJiathic, Wervous, Bilious. Size of Head, 11. Imitation, 11. Amativeness, 11^. Self-Esteem, i. Caution, 3. Benevolence, 12, Combativeness, 2^. Mirth, 1. Credulity, 1. Language, 12. Causality, 12. Firmness, 2. Conscientiousness, 12. Veneration, 12. Destrnctiveness, 9. Philoprogenitiveness, 0. Hope, 10." Having gazed on this for a few moments in mute aston- ishment — during which the Professor took a glass of brandy and water, and afterwards a mouthful of tobacco — It turned to him and requested an explanation. " Why,'' said he, " it's very simple ; the number 12 is the maximum, 1 the minimum ; for instance, you are as benevolent as a man can be — therefore I mark you, Benevolence, 12. You have little or no self-esteem — Whence I place you. Self- esteem, |. You've scarcely any credulity — don't you see?" I did see I This was my discovery. I saw at a flash how the English language was susceptible of improvement, and, fired with the glorious idea, I rushed from the room and OS A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. the house ; heedless of the Pofessor's request that I would buy more of his Invigorator ; heedless of his alarmed cry that I would pay for the bottle I'd got ; heedless that I tripped on the last step of the Gryaseutus House, and smashed there the precious fluid (the step has now a growth of four inches of hair on it, and the people use it as a door-mat) ; I rushed home, and never grew calm till with pen, ink and paper before me, I commenced the development of my system. This system — shall I say this great system — ^is exceeding- ly simple, and easily explained in a few words. In the first place, ^'figures wonH lie." Let us then represent by the number 100, the maximum, the ne plus ultra of every human quality — ^grace, beSiuty, courage, strength, wisdom, learning — every thing. Let perfection, I say, be represented by 100, and an absolute minimum of all qualities by the number 1. Then by applying the numbers between, to the adjectives used in conversation, we shall be able to arrive at a very close approximation to the idea we wish to convey ; in other words, we shall be enabled to speak the truth. Glorious, soul- inspiring ideal For instance, the most ordinary question asked of you is, " How do you do ? " To this, instead of re- plying, " Pretty well," " Very well," « Quite well," or the like absurdities — after running through your mind that per- fection of health is 100, no health at all, 1 — you say, with a graceful bow, " Thank you, I'm 52 to day ; " or, feeling poor- ly, "■ I'm 13, I'm obliged to you," or " I'm 68," or « 75," or " 87J," as the case may be ! Do you see how very close in this way you may approximate to the truth ; and how clearly A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GHAMMAE. 39 your questioner will understand what he so anadously wishes to arrive at — ^your exact state of health ? Let this system be adopted into our elements of grammar, our conversation, our literature, and we become at once an exact, precise, mathematical, truth-telling people. It will apply to every thing but politics ; there, truth being of no account, the system is useless. But in literature, how admi- rable ! Take an example : As a 19 young and 76 beautiful lady was 52 gaily trip- ping down the sidewalk of our 84 frequented street, she ac- cidently come in contact — 100 (this shows that she came in close contact) with a 73 fat, but 87 good-humored looking gentleman, who was 93 (i. e. intently) gazing into the window of a toy-shop. Grracefully 56 extricating herself, she re- ceived the excuses of the 96 embarrassed Falstaff with a 68 bland smile, and continued on her way. But hardly — 7 — ^had she reached the corner of the block, ere she was overtaken by a 24 young man, 32 poorly dressed, but of an 85 expres- sion of countenance ; 91 hastily touching her 54 beautifully rounded arm, he said, to her 67 surprise — " Madam, at the window of the toy-shop yonder, you dropped this bracelet, which I had the 71 good fortune to observe, and now have the 94 happiness to hand to you." Of course the expression " 94 happiness " is merely the young man's polite hyperbole.) Blushing with 76 modesty, the lovely (76, as before, of course), lady took the bracelet — ^which was a 24 magnificent diamond clasp— (24 magnificent, playfully sarcastic; it was 40 A NEW STSTEM OP ENGLISH GKAMMAK. probably not one of Tucker's) from the young man's hand, and 84 hesitatingly drew from her beautifully 38 embroidered re- ticule a 67 port-monnaie. The young man noticed the action, and 73 proudly drawing back, added — " Do not thank me; the pleasure of gazing for an instant at those 100 eyes (perhaps too exaggerated a compliment), has already more than compensated me for any trouble that I might have had." She thanked him, however, and with a 67 deep blush and a 48 pensive air, turned from him, and pursued with a 33 slow step her promenade. Of course you see that this is but the commencement of a pretty little tale, which I might throw ofF, if I had a mind to, showing in two volumes, or forty-eight chapters of thril- ling interest, how the young man sought the girl's acquaint- ance, how the interest first excited, deepened into love, how they suffered much from ,the opposition of parents (her parents of course), and how, after much trouble, annoyance, and many perilous adventures, they were finally married — their happiness, of course, being represented by 100. But I trust that I have said enough to recommend my system to the good and truthful of the literary world ; and besides, just at present I have something of more immediate importance to attend to. You would hardly believe it, but that everlasting (100) scamp of a Professor has brought a suit against me for steal- ing a bottle of his disgusting Invigorator ; and as the suit comes off before a Justice of the Peace, whose only principle A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAK. 41 of law is to find guilty and fine any accused person whom he thinks has any money — (because if he don't he has to take his costs in County Scrip,) it behooves me to " take time by the fore-lock." So, for the present, adieu. Should my sys- tem succeed to the extent of my hopes and expectations, I shall publish my new grammar early in the ensuing month, with suitable dedication and preface ; and should you, with your well known liberality, publish my prospectus, and give me a handsome literary notice, I shall be pleased to furnish a presentation copy to each of the little Pioneer children. P. S. I regret to add that having just read this article to Mrs. Phoenix, and asked her opinion thereon, she replied, that " if a first-rate magazine article were represented by 100, she should judge this to be about 13 ; or if the quintessence of stupidity were 100, she should take this to be in the neighborhood of 96." This, as a criticism, is perhaps a little discouraging, but as an exemplification of the merits of my system it is exceedingly flattering. How could she, I should like to know, in ordinary language, have given so exact and truthful an idea — ^how expressed so forcibly her opinion (which, of course, difiers from mine) on the subject ? As Dr. Samuel Johnson learnedly remarked to James Boswell, Laird of Auchinleck, on a certain occasion — " Sir, the proof of the pudding is in the eating thereof." MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDmAEY. Sah Dibgo, July lOtb, 1854 As your valuable work is not supposed to be so entirely identified with San Franciscan interests, as to be careless what takes place in other portions of this great hedntry, and as it is received and read in San Diego with great interest (I have loaned my copy to over four different literary gentle- men, most of whom have read some of it), I have thought it not improbable that a few critical notices of the musical per- formances and the drama of this place might be acceptable to you, and interest your readers. I have been, moreover, en- couraged to this task by the perusal of your interesting mu- sical and theatrical critiques on San Francisco performers and performances ; as I feel convinced that, if you devote so much space to them, you will not allow any little feeling of rivalry between the two great cities to prevent your noticing ours, which, without the slightest feeling of prejudice, I must consider as infinitely superior. I propose this ffiobth to call your attention to the two grea,t events in ouf theatrical and MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINART. 43 musical world — the appearance of the talented Miss Pelican, and the production of Tarbox's celebrated " Ode Sympho- nie " of " The Plains." The critiques on the former are from the columns of The VaMecetos Sentinel, to which they were originaljy contributed by me, appearing on the respective dates of June 1st and June 31st. ^om the VaUeeetoa Sentinel^ Jwnt \tA. Miss Pblioau. — Never during our dramatic experience, has a more exciting event occurred than the 'sudden bursting upon our theatrical firmament, fuU, blazing, unparalleled, of the bright, re- splendent and particular star, whose honored name shines reful- gent at the head of this article. Coming among ug unheralded, almost unknown, without claptrap, in a wagon drawn by oxen across the plains, with no agent to get up a counterfeit enthusi- asm in her favor, she appeared before us for the first time at the San Diego Lyceum, last evening, in the trying and diffloult char- acter of Ingomar, or the Tame Savage. We are at a loss to describe our sensations, our admiration, at her magnificent, her superhuman efforts. We do not hesitate to say that she is by far the superior of any living actress ; and, as we believe hers to be the perfection of acting, we cannot be wrong in the belief that no one hereafter will ever be found to approach her. Her conception of the character of Ingomar was perfection itself; her playful and ingenuous manner, her light girlish laughter, in the scene with Sir Peter, showed an appreciation of the savage character, which nothing but the most arduous study, the most elaborate training could produce ; while her awful change to the stern, unyielding, uncompromising father in the tragic scene of Duncan's murder, was indeed nature itself. Miss Pelicau is about seventeen years of age, of miractilons beauty, and most thrilling voice. It is needless to say she di-esses admirably, as in fact we have said all we can say when we called her most 44 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTEAORDINARY. truthfully, perfection. Mr. John Boots took the part of Par- thenia very creditably, etc., etc. From, the VallecOoa Senimel, Jwne Zlst. Miss PEUOAif. — ^As this lady is about to leave us to com- mence an engagement on the San Francisco stage, we should regret exceedingly if any thing we have said about her, should send with her a prestige which might be found undeserved on trial. The fact is. Miss Pelican is a very ordinary actress ; in- deed, one of the most indifferent ones we ever happened to see. She came herefrom the Museum at Port Laramie, and we praised her BO injudiciously that she became completely spoiled. She has performed a round of characters during the last week, very miserably, though we are bound to confess that her performance of King Lear last evening, was superior to any thing of the kind we ever saw. Miss Pelican is about forty-three years of age, singularly plain in her personal appearance, awkward and em- barrassed, with a cracked and squeaking voice, and really dresses quite outrageously. She has mucih to learn — -poor thing ! I take it the above notices are rather ingenious. The fact is, I'm no judge of acting, and don't know how Miss Pelican will turn out. If well, why there's my notice of June the 1st; if ill, then June 31st comes in play, and, as there is but one copy of the Sentinel priated, it's an eaey matter to destroy the incorrect one ; both canH he wrong; so I've made a sure thing of it in any event. Here follows my musical critique, which I flatter myself is of rather superior order : The Plains. Ode Stmphonie pae Jabez Tarbox. — This glorious composition was produced at the San Diego Odeon, on the 31st of June, ult., for the first time in this or any other country, by a very full orchestra (the performance MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDmART. 45 taking place immediately after supper), and a chorus composed of the entire " Saner Kraut- Verein," the Wee Gates Associa- tion," and choice selections from the " Gyascutus " and " Pike- harmonic " societies. The solos were rendered by Her Tu- den Links, the recitations by Herr Von Hyden Schnapps, both performers being assisted by Messrs. John Smith and Joseph Brown, who held their coats, fanned them, and fur- nished water during the more overpowering .passages. " The Plains " we consider the greatest musical achieve- ment that has been presented to an enraptured public. Like Waterloo among battles ; Napoleon among warriors ; Niagara among falls, and Peck among senators, this magnificent com- position stands among Oratorios, Operas, Musical Melodra- mas and performances of Ethiopian Serenaders, peerless and unrivalled. Ilfrappe toute chose parfaitment f raid. " It does not depend for its success " upon its plot, its theme, its school or its master, for it has very little if any of them, but upon its soul-subduing, all-absorbing, high-faluting effect upon the audience, every member of which it causes to experience the most singular and exquisite sensations. Its strains at times remind us of those of the old master of the steamer McKim, who never went to sea without being un- pleasantly affected ; — a straining after effect he use to term it. Blair in his lecture on beauty, and Mills in his treatise on logic, (p. 31,) have alluded to the feeling which might be produced in the human mind, by something of this transcen- dentally sublime description, but it has remained for M. Tar- box, in the production of The Plains, to call this feeling forth. '«> »>. 46 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTK.AOE.DINARY. The symphonie opens upon the wide and bonndless pbdns, in longitude 115° W., latitude 35° 21' 03" N., and about sixty nules &om the west bank of Pitt Kiver. These data are beautifully and clearly expressed by a long (topographi- cally) drawn note from an E flat clarionet. The sandy nature of the soil, sparsely dotted with bunches of cactus and artemiraa, the extended view, flat and unbroken to the horizon, save by the rising smoke in the extreme verge, de- noting the vicinity of a Pi Utah village, are represented by the bass drum. A few notes on the piccolo, calls the atten- tion to a solitary antelope, picMiig up mescal beans in the foreground. The sun having an altitude of 36° 27', blazes down upon the scene in indescribable majesty. " Grradually the sounds roU forth in a song " of rejoicing to the Grod of Day. " Of thy intensity And great immensity Now then yre sing ; Beholding in gratitnde Thee in this latitude, Carious thing." Which swells out into " Hey Jim along, Jim along Josey," then decrescendo, mas o Tnenos, poco pocita, dies away and dries up. Suddenly we hear approaching a train from Pike County, consisting of seven fiunilies, with forty-six wagons, eadh drawn by thirteen oxen ; each family consists of a man in butternut-colored clothing driving the oxen ; a wife in but- ternut-colored clothing riding in the wagon, holding a butter- MUSICAL REVinW EXTRAORDINARY. 47 nut baby, and seventeen butternut children running promis- cuouely about the establishment ; all are barefooted, dusty, and smell unpleasantly- {AU these circumstances are ex- pressed by pretty rapid fiddling for some minutes, winding up ■with a puff from the orpheclide, played by an intoxicated Teuton with an atrocious breath — ^it is impossible to mis- understand the description.) Now rises o'er the plains in mellifluous accents, the grand Pike County Chorus. " Oh we'll soon be thar In the land of gold, Through the forest old, O'er the mounting cold, With spirits bold — Oh, we come, we come. And we'll soon be thar. Gee up BoUy ! whoo, up, whoo haw t The train now encamp. The unpacking of the kettles and mess-pans, the unyoking of the oxen, the gathering about the various camp-fires, the frizzling of the pork, are so clearly expressed by the music, that the most untutored savage could readily comprehend it. Indeed, so vivid and lifelike was the representation, that a lady sitting near us, involuntarily ex- claimed aloud, at a certain passage, " thar, that porli's burning I " and it was truly interesting to watch the gratified expression of her face when, by a few notes of the guitar, the pan was removed from the fire, and the blazing pork ex- tinguished. This is followed by the beautiful aria : — " b ! marm, I want a pancake I " 48 SIUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAOHDDJAEY. Followed by that touching recitative : — " Shet up, or I will spank you 1 '' To which succeeds a grand crescendo morement, repre- senting the flight of the child, with the pancake, the pursuit of the mother, and the final arrest and summary punishment of the former, represented by the rapid and successive strokes of the Castanet. The turning in for the night follows ; and the deep and stertorous breathing of the encampment, is well given by the bassoon, while the sufferings and trials of an unhappy father with an unpleasant infant, are touchingly set forth by the cornet d piston. Part Second — The night attack of the Pi TJtahs; the fearful cries of the demoniac Indians; the shrieks of the females and children ; the rapid and effective fire of the rifles ; the stampede of the oxen ; their recovery and the final re- pulse ;' the Pi Utahs being routed after a loss of thirty-six killed and wounded, while the Pikes lose but one scalp (from an old fellow who wore a wig, and lost it in the scuffle), are faithfully given, and excite the most intense -interest in the minds of the hearers ; the emotions of fear, admiration and delight, succeeding each other in their minds, with almost painful rapidity. Then follows the grand chorus : " Oh ! we gin them fits, The Ingen Utahs. With our six-shooters — We gin 'em pertiokuler fits." MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARy. 49 After 'which, we have the charming recitative of Herr Tuden Links, to the infant, which is really one of the most charming gems in the performance : " Now, dern your skin, carlt you be easy ? " Morning succeeds. The sun rises magnificently (octavo flute) — ^breakfast is eaten, — in a rapid movement on three sharps ; the oxen are caught and yoked up — ^with a small drum and triangle ; the watches, purses, and other valuables of the conquered Pi Utahs, are stored away in a camp-kettle, to a small movement on the piccolo, and the train moves on, with the grand chorus : — " We'll soon be thar. Gee up BoUy ! Whoo hup ! whoo haw 1 " The whole concludes with the grand hymn and chorus : — " When we die we'll go to Benton, Whup ! Whoo, haw ! The greatest man that e'er land saw, Goel Who this little airth was sent on Whup 1 Whoo, haw ! To tell a ' hawk from a hand-saw 1 ' Gee!" The immense expense attending the production of this magnificent work ; the length of time required to prepare the chorus ; the incredible number of instruments destroyed at each rehearsal, have hitherto prevented M. Tarbox from placing it before the American public, and it has remained for San Diego to show herself superior to her sister cities of 3 50 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. the Union, in musical taste and appreciation, and in high- souled liberality, by patronizing this immortal prodigy, and enabling its author to bring it forth in accordance with his wishes and its capabilities. We trust every citizen of San Diego and Vallecetos will listen to it ere it is withdrawn ; and if there yet lingers in San Francisco one spark of musical fervor, or a remnant of taste for pure harmony, we can only say that the Southerner sails from that place once a fortnight, and that the passage money is but forty-five dollars. LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. INTEODUCTOEY. The following pages were originally prepared in the form of a course of Lectures to be delivered before the Lowell Institute, of Boston, Mass., but, owing to the unexpected circumstance of the author's receiving no invitation to lec- ture before that institution, they were laid aside shortly after their completion. Receiving an invitation from the trustees of the Valle- cetos Literary and Scientific Institute, during the present summer, to deliver a course of Lectures on any popular sub- ject, the author withdrew his manuscript from the dusty shelf on which it had long lain neglected, and, having some- what revised and enlarged it, to suit the capacity of the eminent scholars before whom it was to be displayed, re- paired to Vallecetos. But, on arriving at that place, he 52 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. learned with deep regret, that the only inhabitant had left a few days previous, having availed himself of the opportunity presented by a passing emigrant's horse, — and that, in conse- quence, the opening of the Institute was indefinitely post- poned. Under these circumstances, and yielding with re- luctance to the earnest solicitations of many eminent scientific friends, he has been induced to place the Lectures before the public in their present form. Should they meet with that success which his sanguine friends prognosticate, the author may be induced subsequently to publish them in the form of a text-book, for the use of the higher schools and universi- ties ; it being his greatest ambition to render himself useful in his day and generation, by widely disseminating the in- formation he has acquired among those who, less fortunate, are yet willing to receive instruction. JOHN PH(ENIX. San Diego Obbbetatokt, September 1, 1854 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY.— PART I. CHAPTER L The term Astronomy is derived from two Latin words, Astra, a star, and onomy, a science; and literally means the science of the stars. « It is a science," to quote our friend Dick (who was no relation at all of Big Dick, though the latter occasionally caused individuals to see stars), '' which has, in all ages, engaged the attention of the poet, the phi- LECTDEES ON ASTRONOMY. 53 losopher, and the divine, and been the subject of their study and admiration." By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of modern times, we ascertain that upwards of several hundred millions of stars exist, that are invisible to the naked eye — the nearest of which is millions of millions of miles from the Earth ; and as we have every reason to suppose that every one of this inconceivable number of worlds is peopled like our own, a consideration of this fact — and that we are un- doubtedly as superior to these beings, as we are to the rest of mankind — is calculated to fill the mind of the American with a due sense of his own importance in the scale of ani- mated creation. It is supposed that each of the stars we see in the Hea- vens in a cloudless night, is a sun shining upon its own cur- vilinear, with light of its own manufacture ; and as it would be absurd to suppose its light and heat were made to be diffused for nothing, it is presumed farther, that each sun, like an old hen, is provided with a parcel of little chickens, in the way of planets, which, shining but feebly by its reflected light, are to us invisible. To this opinion we are led, also, by reasoning from analogy, on considering our own Solar System. The Solar System is so called, not because we believe it to be the sole system of the kind in existence, but from its principal body the Sun ; the Latin name of which is Sol. (Thus we read of Sol Smith, literally meaning the son of Old Smith.) On a close examination of the Heavens we perceive 54 LECTUEES ON ASTRONOMY. numerous brilliant stars which shine with a steady light (differing from those which surround them, which are always twinkling like a dew-drop on a cucumber-vine), and which, moreover, do not preserve constantly the same relative dis- tance from the stars near which they are first discovered. These are the planets of the Solar System, which have no light of their own — of which the Earth, on which we reside, is one, — which shine by light reflected from the Sun, — and which regularly move around that body at different intervals of time and through different ranges in space. Up to the time of a gentleman named Copernicus, who flourished about the middle of the Fifteenth Century, it was supposed by our stupid ancestors that the Earth was the centre of aU creation, being a large flat body, resting on a rook which rested on another rock, and so on " all the way down;" and that the Sun, planets and immovable stars all revolved about it once in twenty-four hours. This reminds us of the simplicity of a child we once saw in a railroad-car, who fancied itself perfectly stationary, and thought the fences, houses and fields were tearing past it at the rate of thirty miles an hour ; — and poking out its head, to see where on earth they- went to, had its hat — a very nice one with pink ribbons — ^knocked off and irrecoverably lost. But Copernicus (who was a son of Daniel Pernicus, of the firm of Pernicus & Co., wool-dealers, and who was named Co. Pernicus, out of respect to his father's partners) soon set this matter to rights, and started the idea of the present Solar System, which, greatly improved since his day, is occasionally LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 55 called the Copemican system. By this system we learn that the Sun is stationed at one focus (not hocus, as it is rendered, without authority by the philosopher Partington) of an ellipse, where it slowly grinds on for ever about its own axis, while the planets, turning about their axes, revolve in elliptical orbits of various dimensions and different planes of inclina- tion around it. The demonstration of this system in all its perfection was left to Isaac Newton, an English Philosopher, who, seeing an apple tumble down from a tree, was led to think thereon with such gravity, that he finally discovered the attraction of gravitation, which proved to be the great law of Nature that keeps every thing in its place. Thus we see that as an apple originally brought sin and ignorance into the world, the same fruit proved thereafter the cause of vast knowledge and enlightenment ; — and indeed we may doubt whether any other fruit but an apple, and a sour one at that, would have produced these great results ; — for, had the fallen fruit been a pear, an orange, or a peach, there is little doubt that New- ton would have eaten it up and thought no more on the sub- ject. As in this world you will hardly ever find a man so small but that he has some one else smaller than he, to look up to and revolve around him, so in the Solar System we find that the majority of the planets have one or more smaller planets revolving about them. These small bodies are termed secondaries, moons or satellites — the planets themselves being called primaries. 56 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. We know at present of eighteen primaries, viz : Mercury, Venus, the Earth, Mars, Flora, Vesta, Iris, Metis, Hebe, Astrea, Juno, Ceres, Pallas, Hygeia, Jupiter, Saturn, Her- schel, Neptune, and another, yet unnamed. There are dis- tributed among these, nineteen secondaries, all of which, except our Moon, are invisible to the naked eye. We shall now proceed to consider, separately, the dif- ferent bodies composing the Solar System, and to make known what little information, comparatively speaking, science has collected regarding them. And, first in order, as in place, we come to THE SDK. This glorious orb may be seen almost any clear day, by looking intently in its direction, through a piece of smoked glass. Through this medium it appears about the size of a large orange, and of much the same color. It is, however, somewhat larger, being, in fact 887,000 miles in diameter, and containing a volume of matter equal to fourteen hundred thousand globes of the size of the Earth, which is certainly a matter of no small importance. Through the telescope it appears like an enormous globe of fire, with many spots upon its surface, which, unlike those of the leopard, are con- tinually changing. These spots were first discovered by a gentleman named G-alileo, in the year 1611. Though the Sun is usually termed and considered the luminary of day, it may not be uninteresting to our readers to know that it certainly has been seen in the night. A scientific friend of ours from New England (Mr. E.. W. Emerson) while travel- LECTURES ON ASTKONOMY. 57 ing through the northern part of Norway, with a cargo of tinware, on the 21st of June, 1836, distinctly saw the Sun in all its majesty, shining at midnight ! — in fact, shining all night! Emerson is not what you would call a superstitious man, by any means — ^but, he left ! Since that time many per- sons have observed its nocturnal appearance in that part of the country, at the same time of the year. This phenomenon has never been witnessed in the latitude of San Diego, however, and it is very improbable that it ever will be. Sacred history informs us that a distinguished military man, named Joshua, once caused the Sun to " stand still ; " how he did it, is not mentioned. There can, of course, be no doubt of the fact, that he arrested its progress, and possibly caused it to "stand siiZZ;" — ^but translators are not always perfectly accurate, and we are inclined to the opinion that it might have wiggled a very little, when Joshua was not looking directly at it. The statement, however, does not appear so very incredible, when we reflect that seafaring men are in the habit of actually bringing the Sun down to the horizon every day at 12 Meri- dian. This they effect by means of a tool made of brass, glass and silver, called a sextant. The composition of the Sun has long been a matter of dispute. By close and accurate observation with an excellent opera- glass, we have arrived at the conclusion that its entire surface is covered with water to a very great depth ; which water, being composed by a process known at present only to the Creator of the Universe and Mr. Paine of Worcester, Mas- sachusetts, generates carburetted hydrogen gas, which, being 3* 58 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. inflamed, surrounds the entire body with an ocean of fire, from which we, and the other planets, receive our light and heat. The spots upon its surface are glimpses of water, obtained through the fire ; and we call the attention of our old friend and former schoolmate, Mr. Agassiz, to this fact ; as by closely observing one of these spots with a strong refracting telescope, he may discover a new species of fish, with little fishes inside of them. It is possible that the Sun may burn out after awhile, which would leave this world in a state of darkness quite uncomfortable to contemplate, -but even under these circumstances it is pleasant to reflect, that courting and love-making would probably increase to an indefinite ex- tent, and that many persons would make large fortunes by the sudden rise in value of coal, wood, candles, and gas, which would go to illustrate the truth of the old proverb, " If s an ill wind that blows nobody any good." Upon the whole, the Sun is a glorious creation ; pleasing to gaze upon (through smoked glass), elevating to think upon, and exceedingly comfortable to every created being on a cold day ; it is the largest, the brightest, and may be considered by far the most magnificent object in the celestial sphere ; tiough with all these attributes it must be confessed that it is occasionally entirely eclipsed by the moon. CHAPTEE II. We shall now proceed to the consideration of the several planets. MERCUBT. This planet, with the exception of the asteroids, is the LECTUKES ON ASTRONOMY. 59 smallest of the system. It is the nearest to the Sun, and, in consequence, cannot be seen (on account of the Sun's superior light), except at its greatest eastern and western elongations, which occur in March and April, August and September, when it may be seen for a short time immediately after sunset and shortly before sunrise. It then appears like a star of the first magnitude, having a white twiniling light, and resembling somewhat the star Regulus in the con- stellation Leo. The day in Mercury is, about ten minutes longer than ours, its year is about equal to three of our months. It receives six and a half times as much heat from the Sun as we do ; from which we conclude that the climate must be very similar to that of Fort Tuma, on the Colorado River. The difficulty of communication with Mercury will probably prevent its ever being selected as a military post ; though it possesses many advantages for that purpose, being extremely inaccessible, inconvenient, and, doubtless, singularly uncom- fortable. It receives its name from the Grod, Mercury, in the Heathen Mythology, who is the patron and tutelary Di- vinity of San Diego County. This beautiful planet may be seen either a little after sunset, or shortly before sunrise, according as it becomes the morning or the evening star, but never departing quite 48° from the Sun. Its day is about twenty-five minutes shorter than ours ; its year seven and half months or thirty- two weeks. The diameter of Venus is 7,700 miles, and she 60 LECTURES ON ASTEONOMT. receives from the Sun thrice as much light and heat as the Earth. An old Dutchman named Schroeter spent more than ton years in observations on this planet, and finally discovered a mountain on it twenty-two miles in height, but he never could discover any thing on the mountain, not even a mouse, and finally died about as wise as when he commenced his studies. Venus, in Mythology, was a Goddess of singular beauty, who became the wife of Vulcan, the blacksmith, and we re- gret to add, behaved in the most immoral manner after her marriage. The celebrated case of Vulcan vs. Mars, and the consequent scandal, is probably still fresh in the minds of our readers. By a large portion of society, however, she was considered an iU-used and persecuted lady, against whose high tone of morals, and strictly virtuous conduct not a shadow of suspicion could be cast; Vulcan, by the same parties, was considered a horrid brute, and they all agreed that it served him right when he lost his case and had to pay the costs of court. Venus still remains the Goddess of Beauty, and not a few of her pratigis may be found in California. THE EARTH. The Earth, or as the Latins called it, Tellus (from which originated the expression, " do tell us)," is the third planet in the Solar System, and the one on which we subsist, with all our important joys and sorrows. The San Diego Herald LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 61 is published weekly on this planet, for five dollars per annum, payable invariably in advance. As the Earth is by no means the most important planet in the system, there is no reason to suppose that it is particularly distinguished from the others by being inhabited. It is reasonable, therefore, to conclude, that all the other planets of the system are filled with living, moving and sentient beings ; and as some of them are su- perior to the Earth in size and position, it is not improbable that their inhabitants may be superior to us in physical and mental organization. But if this were a demonstrable fact, instead of a mere hypothesis, it would be found a very difficult matter to per- suade us of its truth. To the inhabitants of Venus, the Earth appears like a brilliant star, very much, in fact, as Venus appears to us; and, reasoning from analogy, we are led to believe that the election of Mr. Pierce, the European war, or the split in the great Democratic party produced but very little excitement among them. To the inhabitants of Jupiter, our important globe ap- pears like a small star of the fourth or fifth magnitude. We recollect some years ago gazing with astonishment upon the inhabitants of a drop of water, developed by the Solar Micro- scope, and secretly wondering whether they were or not rea- soning beings, with souls to be saved. It is not altogether a pleasant reflection that a highly scientific inhabitant of Jupiter, armed with a telescope of (to us) inconceivable form, may be pursuing a similar course of inquiry, and in- dulging in similar speculations regarding our Earth and its 62 LECnjRES ON ASTROKOMY. inhabitants. Grazing with curious eye, his attention is sud- denly attracted by the movements of a grand celebration of Fourth of July in New York, or a mighty convention in Baltimore. " God bless my soul," he exclaims, " I declare they're alive, these little creatures, do see them wriggle ! " To an inhabitant of the Sun, however, he of Jupiter is probably quite as insignificant, and the Sun man is possibly a mere atom in the opinion of a dweller in Sirius. A little reflection on these subjects leads to the opinion, that the death of an individual man on this Earth, though perhaps as important an event as can occur to himself, is calculated to cause no great convulsion of Nature or disturb particularly the great aggregate of created beings. The Earth moves round the sun from west to east in a year, and turns on its axis in a day ; thus moving at the rate of 68,000 miles an hour in its orbit, and rolling around at the tolerably rapid rate of 1,040 miles per hour. As our readers may have seen that when a man is galloping a horse violently over a smooth road, if the horse from viciousness or other cause suddenly stops, the man keeps on at the same rate over the animal's head; so we, supposing the Earth to be suddenly arrested on its axis, men, women, children, horses, cattle and sheep, donkeys, editors and mem- bers of Congress, with all our goods and chattels, would be thrown off into the air at a speed of 173 miles a minute, every mother's son of us describing the arc of a parabola which is probably the only description we should ever be able to give of the affair. LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 63 This catastrophe, to one sufficiently collected to enjoy it, would, doubtless, be exceedingly amusing ; but as there would probably be no time for laughing, we pray that it may not occur until after our demise ; when, should it take place, our monument will probably accompany the movement. It is a singular fact, that if a man travel round the Earth in an east- wardly direction, he will find, on returning to the place of departure, he has gained one whole day ; the reverse of this proposition being true also, it follows that the Yankees who are constantly travelling to the "West, do not live as long by a day or two as they would if they had staid at home ; and sup- posing each Yankee's time to be worth $1.50 per day, it may be easily shown that a considerable amount of money is an- nually lost by their roving dispositions. Science is yet but in its infancy ; with its growth, new discoveries of an astounding nature will doubtless be made, among which, probably, will be some method by which the course of the Earth may be altered and it be steered with the same ease and regularity through space and among the stars, as a steamboat is now directed through the water. It will be a very interesting spectacle to see the Earth " rounding to," with her head to the air, off Jupiter, while the Moon is sent off laden with mails and passengers for that planet, to bring back the return mails and a large party of rowdy Jupi- terians going to attend a grand prize fight in the ring of Saturn. Well, Christopher Columbus would have been just as much astonished at a revelation of the steamboat, and the lo- 64 LECTUEES ON ASTRONOMY. comotive engine, as we should be to witness the above per- formance, which our intelligent posterity during the ensuing year, A. D. 2,000, will possibly look upon as a very ordinary and common-place affair. Only three days ago we asked a medium, where Sir John Franklin was at that time ; to which he replied, he was cruis- ing about (officers and crew all well) on the interior of the Earth, to which he had obtained entrance through Symkes' Hole ! With a few remarks upon the Earth's Satellite, we con- elude the first Lecture on Astronomy ; the remainder of the course being contained in a second Lecture, treating of the planets. Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune, the Asteroids, and the fixed stars, which last, being " fixings," are, accord- ing to Mr. Charles Dickens, American property. THE MOON. This resplendent luminary, like a youth on the 4th of July, has its first quarter ; like a ruined spendthrift its last quarter ; and like an omnibus, is occasionally full, and new. The evenings on which it appears between these last stages are beautifully illumined by its clear, mellow light. The Moon revolves in an elliptical orbit about the Earth in twenty-nine days twelve hours forty-four minutes and three seconds, the time which elapses between one new Moon and another. It was supposed by the ancient philosophers that the Moon was made of green cheese, an opinion still enter- tained by the credulous and ignorant. Kepler and Tyco Brahe, however, held to the opinion that it was composed of LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 65 Charlotte Eusse, the dark portions of its surface being sponge cake, the light hlanc mange. Modern adyances in science and the use of Lord Kosse's famous telescope, have demon- strated the absurdity of all these speculations by proying con- clusively that the Moon is mainly composed of the Ferro — sesqui — cyanuret, of the cyanide of potassium I Up to the latest dates from the Atlantic States, no one ha§ succeeded in reaching the Moon. Should any one do so hereafter, it will probably be a woman, as the sex will never cease making an exertion for that purpose as long as there is a man in it. Upon the whole, we may consider the Moon an excellent institution, among the many we enjoy under a free, republican form of government, and it is a blessed thing to reflect that the President of the United States cannot veto it, no matter how strong an inclinationhe may feel, from principle or habit, to do so. It has been ascertained beyond a doubt that the Moon has no air. Consequently, the common expressions, " the Moon was gazing down with an air of benevolence," or with " an air of complacency," or with " an air of calm superiority," are incorrect and objectionable, the fact being that the Moon has no air at all. The existence of the celebrated " Man in the Moon " has been frequently questioned by modern philosophers. The whole subject is involved in doubt and obscurity. The only authority we have for believing that such an individual ex- ists, and has been seen and' spoken with, is a fragment of an old poem composed by an ancient Astronomer of the name of Goose, which has been handed down to us as follows : 66 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. " The man in the Moon, came down too soon To inquire the way to Norwich ; The man in the South, he humed his month, Eating cold, hot porridge." The evidence conveyed in this distich is however jejected by the sceptical, among modem Astronomers, who consider the passage an allegory. " The man in the Sonth," being supposed typical of the late John C. Calhoiin, and the " cold, hot porridge," alluded to the project of nullification. END OF LBCTUEE FlSfiT. Note by the Author. — ^Itinerant Lecturers are cautioned against making use of the above production, without obtaining the necessary authority from the proprietors of the Pioneer Mag- azine. To those who may obtain such authority, it may be well to state, that at the close of the Lecture it was the intention of the author to exhibit and explain to the audience an orrery, ac- companying and interspersing his remarks by a choice selection of popular airs on the hand-organ. An economical orrery may be constructed by attaching eighteen wires of graduated lengths to the shaft of a candlestick, apples of different sizes being placed at their extremities to repre- sent the Planets, and a central orange resting on the candlestick, representing the Sun. An orrery of this description is however liable to the objec- tion, that if handed around among the audience for examination, it is seldom returned uninjured. The author has known an in- stance in which a chUd four years of age, on an occasion of this kind, devoured in succession the planets Jupiter and Herschel, and bit a large spot out of the Sun before he could be arrested. J. P. PISTOL SHOOTING— A COUNTEE OHALLENG-E. Ban Diego, Cal., iSept. 1, 18S4. I COPY the following paragraph from the Spirit of the Times, for July 15th : " PISTOL SHOOTIIfGi— A CHALLENGE. Owing to the frequent and urgent solicitations of many of my friends, I am induced to make the following propositions: 1. 1 will fit a dollar to the end of a twig two iaohes long, and while a second person wiU hold the other end in his mouth, so as to hring the coin within an inch and a half of his face, I en- gage to strike the dollar, three times out of five, at the distance of ten paces, or thirty feet. I will add in explanation, that there are several persons wUling and ready to hold the twig or stick descrihed above, when required. 2. 1 wiU hit a dollar, tossed in the aii', or any other object of the same size, three times out of five on a wheel and fire. 3. At the word, I will spht three halls out of five, on a knife blade, placed at the distance of thirty feet. 4. I will hit three birds out of five, sprung from the trap, standing thirty feet from the trap when shooting. 5. I wlU break, at the word, five common clay pipe stems out of seven, at the distance of thirty feet. 68 PISTOL SHOOTING ^A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 6. I engage to prove, by fair trial, that no pistol-shot can be produced who mil shoot an apple off a man's head, at the dis- tance of thirty feet, oftener than I can. Moreover I ■will produce two persons willing and ready to hold the apple on their heads for me, when required to do so. 7. I wUl wager, lastly, that no person in the United States can be produced who will hit a quarter of a dollar at the distance of thirty feet, oftener than I can, on a wheel wndfire. I am willing to bet $5,000 on any of the above propositions, one fourth of that amount forfeit. So soon as any bet will be closed, the money shall be deposited in the Bank of the State of Missouri, until paid overby the judges, or withdrawn, less forfeit. I will give the best and most satisfactory references that my share win be forthcoming when any of my propositions are taken up. Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions must ad- dress me by letter, through the St. Louis Post Office, as the ad- vertisements or notices of newspapers might not meet my eye. Propositions wiU be received until the first of September next. Edmuhi) W. Paul, 140 Sixth Street, between Franklin Avenue and Morgan Street, St. Louis, Missouri. 1 am unable to see any thing very extraordinary in the above propositions, by Mr. Edmund W. Paul. Any person, acquainted with the merest rudiments of the pistol, could certainly execute any or all of the proposed feats without the slightest difficulty. " Owing " to my entertaining these opinions, " without solicitation from friends, and unbiassed by unworthy mo- tives," / am induced to make the following propositions : — 1. I will suspend two dollars by a ring from a second person's nose, so as to bring the coins within three fourths of an inch from his face, and with a double barrelled shot- PISTOL SHOOTING A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 69 gun, at a distance of thirty feet, will blow dollars, nose and man at least thirty feet further, four times out of five. I will add, in explanation, that, San Diego containing a rather intelligent community, I can find, at present, no one here willing or ready to have his nose blown in this manner ; but I have no manner of doubt I could obtain such a person from St. Louis, by Adams &. Co.'s Express, in due season. 2. I will hit a dollar, or any thing else that has been tossed in the air (of the same size), on a wheel, on a pole or axletree, or on the ground, every time out of five. 3. At the word, I will place five balls on the blade of a penknife, and split them all ! 4. I will hit three men out of five, sprung from obscure parentage, and stand within ten feet of a steel-trap (properly set) whUe shooting! 5. I will break at the word, a whole box of common clay pipes, with a single brick, at a distance of thirty feet. 6. I engage to prove by a fair trial, that no pistol-shot (or other person) can be produced, who will throw more apples at a man's head than I can. Moreover, I can produce in this town more than sixty persons willing and ready to hold an apple on their heads for me, provided they are al- lowed to eat the apple subsequently. 7. I will wager, lastly, that no person in the United States can be produced, who, with a double barrelled shot- gun, while throwing a back-handed summerset, can hit 70 PISTOL SHOOUNG A COUNTER CHALLENGE. oftener, a dollar and a half, on the perimeter of a revolving wheel, in rapid motion, than I can. Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions, will address me through the columns of The Pioneer Magazine. Propositions will be received on the first of April next. JOHN PHCBNIX. 1884 Seyentcenth Street, Vidleoitos. " Se compra oro aqui, up stairs." P. S. Satisfactory references given and required. A bet from a steady, industrious person, who wiU be apt to pay if he loses, will meet with prompt attention. J. P. ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. The following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found useful to your readers : In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of annoyance, any metliod which will alleviate them becomes a desideratum. It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which I am assured has been tried with efficacy. Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Eemove the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless ; but it will soon form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely neces- sary to retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed every three or four weeks. This remedy 72 AMTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. is sure, and having the advantage of simplicity and economy, should be generally known. So much for Miss More. A stUl simpler method of pre- venting the attacks of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself; — in theory only — I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of a flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of the bite. You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was stUl extravagantly fond of whisky, though he was constantly "running it down." I inquired after his wife. " She is dead, poor creature," said he, " and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was only so, so." PH(ENIX AT THE MISSION DOLOKES. Mission of Doloees, 15th January, 1855. It was my intention to furnish you, this month, with an elaborate article on a deeply interesting subject, but a serious domestic calamity has prevented. I aUude to the loss of my stove-pipe, in the terrific gale of the 31st December. There are few residents of this city whose business or inclination has called them to the Mission of Dolores, that have not seen and admired that stove-pipe. Eising above the kitchen chimney to the noble altitude of nearly twelve feet, it pointed to a better world, and was pleasantly sugges- tive of hot cakes for breakfast. Erom the window of my back porch, I have gazed for hours upon that noble structure ; and watching its rotary cap, shifting with every breeze, and pouring forth clouds of gas and vapor, I have mused on poli- tics, and fancied myself a Politician. It was an accomplished stove-pipe. The melody accompanying its movements, in- aptly termed creaking by the soulless, gave evidence of its 4 74 PHOENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. taste for Music, and its proficiency in Drawing was the wonder and delight of our family circle. It had no bad habits — it did not even smoke. I fondly hoped .to enjoy its society for years, but one by one our dearest treasures are snatched from us : the soot fell, and the stove-pipe has followed soot. On the night of the 31st of Dec, a gale arose, perfectly unexampled in its ter- rific violence. Houses shook as with tertian ague, trees were uprooted, roofs blown off, and ships foundered at the docks. A stove-pipe is not a pyramid — ^what resistance could mine oppose to such a storm ? One by one its protecting wires were severed; and as it bowed its devoted head to the "fury of the blast, shrieks of more than mortal agony attested the desperate nature of its situation. At length the Storm Spirit fell upon the feeble and reeling structure in its wrath, and whirling it madly in the air with resistless force, break- ing several tenpenny nails, and loosening many of the upper bricks of the chimney, dashed it down to earth. But why harrow up the feelings of your readers' by a continuation of the distressing narrative. The sufiering that we have en- dured, the tears that have been shed since this loss will be understood, and commiserated, when I add — the next morn- ing the kitchen chimney smoked, and has been doing it in- termittently ever since ! Since my last, scarcely a gleam of fun has come to illu- mine the usual dull monotony of the Mission of Dolores, — " The days have been dark and dreary It rains, and the wind is never weary.'' PHCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 75 A little occurrence at the toll-gate, the other day, is worthy of notice, perhaps, as betokening " the good time a-coming." A well-known gentleman of your city, who frequently drives forth on the Plank Koad, perched on one of those little gigs that somebody compares to a tea-tray on wheels, with the reins hanging down behind, like unfastened suspenders, in an absent frame of mind, drore slowly past the Kubicon without bifurcating the customary half-dollar. Out rushed the en- thusiastic toll-gatherers, shouting, " Toll, sir, toll ! you've forgot the toll!" "Oh! don't bother me, gentlemen," re- plied the absent one, in a lachrymose tone, and with a most wofol expression, " Fm an orphan boy ! " This appeal to the sympathies of the toll-men was effective; their hearts were touched, and the orphan went on his way rejoicing. It is amusing to observe the shifts a maker of Poetry will resort to, when compelled to make use of an irrelevant sub- ject to eke out his rhyme to convince himself and his readers that the favx pas was quite intentional, the result of study, and should be admired rather than criticised. In a poem ' called " Al Aaraaf," by Edgar A. Poe, who, when living, thought himself, in all seriousness, the only living original Poet, and that all other manufacturers of Poetry were mere copyists, continually infringing on his patent — occurs the fol- lowing passage, in which may be found a singular instance of the kind alluded to : " Ligcia ! Ligeia ! My beautiful one ! Whose barsliest idea Will to melody run : 76 PHffiNIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. Oh is it thy will, On the hreezes to toss ; Or capricionsly still, Like the lone Albatross, Incnmhent on Night, (As she on the aor), To keep watch with delight On the harmony there ? '.' Observe that note : " The Albatross is said to deep- on the wing." Who said so? I should lite to know. Buffon didn't mention it ; neither does Audubon. Coleridge, who made the habits of that rare bird a study, never found it out ; and the undersigned, who has gazed on many Albatrosses, and had much discourse with ancient mariners concerning them, never suspected the circumstance, or heard it elsewhere remarked upon. I am inclined to believe that it never occurred to Mr. Poe, until having become embarrassed by that unfortunate word " toss," he was obliged to bring in either a hoss, or an albatross ; and preferring the bird as the more poetical, in- vented the extraordinary fact to explain his appearance. The above lines, I am told, have been much admired ; but if they are true poetry, so are the foUowmg : Highflier! Highflier! My long-legged one ! Whose mildest idea Is to kick np and ran : Oh, is it thy will Thy switch-tail to toss ; Or caper viciously stiU, Like an old sorrel horse, [prm. " hoss,"^ PHCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLOEES. 77 Incumbent on thee, As on him, to rear, \j»- CALIFORNIA ACADEMY OF AETS AND SCIENCES. PuasuANT to notice, a large and respectable nnmber of those of our citizens interested in the advancement of the arts and sciences in California, assembled in the large hall over the Union Hotel, at 8 o'clock on Thursday evening, the 3 1st of June ult. The meeting having come to order, was organized by our distinguished fellow-citizen. Dr. Keensarvey, being called to the chair, and the appoiutment of A. Cove, Esq. as Secretary. The chairmaa then rose, and in that lucid style which ever characterizes his public Addresses, briefly explained the object of the meeting : — ^It had been urged, he said, and he feared with too much justice, by our scientific friends in the Eastern States, that the inhabitants of California, residing in a country which opens to the Geologist, the Ethnologist, the Mineralogist, the Botanist, the Taxidermist, the Antiquarian, THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 139 the Historian, the Philosopher and, in short, the Savant, the richest and most unexampled field on the face of the globe, or elsewhere, for their labors, were entirely regardless of their privileges in this respect, utterly absorbed in the pur- suit of gain ; and while excavating from the bowels of the earth its auriferous deposits in sufficient quantity, they cared not, to use a forcible illustration, the execration of a tinker, for those sciences in the pursuit of which they could alone find a rational manner of expending their accumulated wealth. Was it possible that this could be the case ? Had we not among us men of science, of liberality, of intelligence ? (Cries of " Yes, Yes ! " from the meeting, and " Si Senor " from a Castilian Savant in a glazed hat and judicious state of spiritual elevation.) Had we not in our midst many who, having acquired a sufficiency of worldly wealth, now wished to find among the treasures of science, that calm satisfaction which the possession of no amount of " dinero " can possibly afford ? (Tumultuous shouts of " Yes, yes ! Seguro ! Si Senor," and a voice, " Whar is he ? ") — Yes, gentlemen, it was the pride and pleasure of the Chairman to believe that such was the case ; and it was in the hope of being able to hurl back the aspersions of the Savants of the east, that this meeting was called together ; it was with the hope of forming a per- manent, scientific, California Association, composed of such material as cannot be found elsewhere, and whose researches and transactions should be read with mingled emotions of astonishment, delight and envy, by every enlightened lover of 140 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQT7A£IAN SOCIETY. science, from the eastern end of the North Farraleone Island, proceeding easterly, to the western end of the same. (Load applause — cries of "Good! bon! bueno!" broke from the meeting, and a deep moan of acquiescence from the CastUian Savant, who, with the glazed hat partially shrouding his massive intellectual developments, had become sUghtly som- nolent.) The applause consequent upon this beautifol effort of the Chairman having subsided, Mr. B. S. Bags rose toad dress the Chair : — He had not the advantage of an early education — ^not much, he hadn't ; but he read a good deal, and liked it ; and he dare say now, that if the truth had been found out, he knowed a great deal more than some of those filosifers at the east. He wanted to see science go on in California. He had a considerable interest in the place, and expected to spend his days thar. He was now fifty-three years old ; he come out here twenty-three years ago as Steward of a Whale ship, and he run away and turned Doctor. (Laughter ; cries of " Hush, hush ! ") But he married a Califomy widder, with a large ranch ; and he had, when the gold mines broke out, made his " pile " — he had over three hundred thousand dollars, and he didn't care who knowed it. He meant to devote the in- terest of the same to learning science. (Uproarious applause — cries of " GrO it ! that's the pint ! " and " Carrambas ! ") He had three daughters, and he meant each on em should be a scientific man (loud applause) ; one of em wore green specs now, (immense applause accompanied by a cry of " Hep — ah ! " THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQTJABXAN SOCIETT. 141 from a person in a white hat and blue blanket coat, who hav- ing evidently mistaken his place, was requested by the Chair to leave at once — but he didn't do it). Order being restored, Mr. Bags went on to say, that he had money enough, and had gin up trading stock, and began to study science for it- self. He had bought a " Mahomedon," and could teU how hot it was any time ; he had examined the " Ah teasing " well in the square, and knew something about Hydrocianics from a contemplation of scientific structures. By reading the papers daily, particularly the " Alta California," he found all sorts of new matters which he supposed give him considera- ble idea of " New Mattix; " but above all, having seen in the papers from the States an account of the " BosUist pendulum " and its application to the Bunker Hill Monument, by which it showed how the earth turned round from east to west, he had ever since for three hours each day, watched the Flag- staff on the Plaza, and he could assure the meeting that when the flag was trailed it always flew out to the West, and when it was histed the rope always bent out to the East — (" Hear ! Hear !) — Gentlemen might say it was the wind that did it, but what made the wind ? If any gentleman here had ever rid out to the Mission on a calm day (" Hear ! " from a Savant who kept a Livery Stable in Kearney Street), he must have felt a breeze blowing in his face. WeU ! he made that wind, he did, agoing 1 and it was the earth that made the wind by turning around in just the same way. (Deep impres- sion produced : low remarks, " we must examine this ! Bags is a trump, &c.") 142 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOdETY. Mr. Bags concluded that he had took up a good deal of time, but he hoped that a society would be formed, and that he would pay his share towards it (applause), and more too (loud applause) ; he hoped he would be able to do more : — ^he was now reading a paper in Silliman's Journal on the " Hor- izontal Paralysis " with its effects on the " Cellular system," and he hoped to get some ideas out of it which he would adapt to California; and Lf he should, the society should have the benefit of it. Mr. Bags here sat down amid prolonged and continued cheering. Barney Braglagan was now loudly called for, but not ap- pearing, the meeting was addressed by several of our most scientific citizens, the tendency of whose remarks was entire- ly and unreservedly in favor of the formation of a permanent society; and the meeting being wound up to the highest state of scientific excitement, it was unanimously — Resolved : That this meeting resolve itself into a permanent scientific association, to be known as the "San Francisco Antiqua- rian Society and California Academy of Arts and Sciences," and immediately enter into correspondence with all learned and scientific associations on the face of the earth. Immediately after the passage of the above resolution, a committee, consisting of Dr. Keensarvey, A. Cove, and James Calomel, M. D., were appointed to prepare a constitution for the society. Leaving the hall, they immediately repaired to the saloon of the California Exchange ; when returning in seven minutes and five seconds (mean solar time), they sub- mitted the following draft of a constitution, which was adopted by acclamation : THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 143 Article I. The officers of this Society shall consist of a President, Corresponding Secretary, Recording Secretary, Treasurer and Librarian, who shall be elected annually, by ballot. Article II. The objects of this Society shall comprise inquiries into every thing in the remotest degree scientific or artful. Article III. The Society shall consist of members, corresponding members and honorary members. The first to be persons residing in California; the two last to include both persons and residents of any other place on the face of the globe, or elsewhere. Article IV. There shall be an annual payment of one hundred dollars, in City, County, or State scrip, by each member residing in the City of San Pranscisco, or its vicinity. The Society now proceeded to the election of officers for the ensuing year, with the following result : President, Dr.- Keensarvey; Vice-President, M. Quelque Chose; Cor- responding Secretary, G. Squibob ; Recording Secretary, A. Cove; Treasurer, Buck S. Bags; Librarian, the Consul for Ireland, ex-off. On motion, the Treasurer received permission from the Society to apply to the City Council for liberty to stack the scrip forming the funds of the association upon the Plaza uader cover of a Tarpaulin. On motion, committees were appointed to report at the first meeting of the Society, on the following subjects 144 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUAEIAN SOCIETY namely: 1st. Antiquity; 2d. Geology; 3iL Toxicology; 4th. Ethnology ; all as applicable to California. On motion the proceedings of this meeting, and the future transactions of the Society shall be published in the San Francisco Daily Alta Californian, Silliman's Journal, the Boston Olive Branch, and the extra documents accom- panying the President's annual message. On motion, the Society adjourned to hold its first regular meeting on Thursday evening, July 15, in the remains of the old Adobe building anciently standing on the north-west comer of the Plaza. Immediately on adjournment the several committees entered with zeal upon their various duties : The Committee on Antiquities left at once, in the night boat, for Vallejo, the residence of their Chairman, who had informed them of the existence at that place of some speci- mens of a substance termed " Old- Monongahela " lately dis- covered by a scientific gentleman residing at the Capitol; — the Committee on Geology were seen eagerly inquiring for the omnibus for Terba Buena Island ; that on Ethnology appointed a sub-committee for the City of San Francisco, and made arrangements for the departure of its main body to the upper counties of the State, for the purpose of holding interviews with the primitive inhabitants, while the Castilian savant in the glazed hat, who had been appointed Chairman of the Committee on Toxicology, repaired incontinently to a drinking saloon, where he commenced a series of experiments in hydrostatics, with the endeavor to ascertain the quantity THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 145 of fluid possible to be raised from a glass in a given time, by a straw applied to his moutb, which resulted so much to his satisfaction that he was seen to emerge therefrom at four o'clock on the following morning, in a high state of pleasur- able excitement, chanting huskily as he meandered down the street, that highly refreshing Mexican anthem — " Oastro viene — en poce tiempo Ouidado los Americanos.'' Gr. Squibob, Gor. Sec. S. F. A. 8. and 0. A. A.'S. San Francisco July 10, 1851 A. COVE, Sec'y pro tern. THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY. EXTRAORDINARY PROCEEDINGS !!— SCANDALOUS TREAT- MENT OF " OUR REPORTER ! " Editor of the San FfiANOiaoo, July 12. Learning that a meeting of the " Ladies' Relief Society " was to be held this morniiig, at Pine Church, on Baptist Street, your Reporter, actuated by a desire to discharge his duty to the public by collecting valuable information, and incited by a laudable curiosity to ascertain what on earth the ladies desired to be relieved from (on which last point he obtained the most complete satisfaction, as wUl appear), re- paired to that sacred edifice, and ensconsing himself in a pew conveniently situated, in case of a sudden retreat be- coming expedient, near the door, patiently awaited the com- mencement of the proceedings. At half past nine, A. M, precisely, as I ascertained by reference to the magnificent silver watch, valued at $18, which I did not draw in Tobin and Duncan's grand raffle. THE ladies' relief SOCIETY. 147 yesterday, but which, " on the contrary, quite the reverse," was bestowed on me by my deceased Grandmother (excuse the digression ; I am approaching a painful subject and like to do it gradually), the ladies began to assemble in their beauty, and, I regret to add, their strength. From the somewhat inconvenient position which, from motives of delicacy and a desire to avoid the appearance ot intrusion, I had assumed on the floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the " sweeten- ers of our cup of human happiness," of every age, figure and appearance. There was the maid of blushing sixteen, and there was the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable styles of colors — white hats, red shawls, chip bonnets, green aprons and pink colored boots. The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, and as I lay perdue, like an innocent (green) snake among the flowers, listening to the merry laugh and innocent playful gurglings of delight that fell from their hundred and four lips." — How'd do, dear ? " " My ! what a love of a bonnet ! " " What did you draw, Fanny ? " " Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow ? " &c., I thought that " my lines were cast in very pleasant places, and that I had a goodly heritage." How painfully was I undeceived ; how totally was I engulfed ! (a prefer- able mode of expression — that ' engulfed ' — to the common but indelicate one of " sucked in)." but I will not anticipate. As the town clock struck ten, the doors were closed, and a lady of mature age and benign though unyielding expres- sion (I do you justice, Madam, though you havn't used me well), ascended the steps of the pulpit, and taking from the 148 THE ladies' relief society. desk a fireman's speaking trumpet that laid thereon, she smote an awful blow upon a copy of the sacred scriptures, and vociferated through the brazen instrument, " Order ! " Conversation ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the ex- ception of an irrepressible murmur and a subdued snicker from your reporter, as some charming being exclaimed, sotto voce, " don't pinch me," silence reigned profound. " Ladies," said the President, "you are aware of the object of this meet- ing. Tied down by the absurd prejudices of society ; tram- melled by the shackles of custom and unworthy superstition; we have found it necessary to form ourselves into a society, where, free from the intrusion of execrable man; aloof from his jealous scrutiny, whether as father, brother, or that stiU more objectionable character of husband, we may throw off restraint, exert our natural liberty, and seeh relief from the tedious and odious routine of duty imposed upon us in our daily walk of life. Any motion is in order." At this instant, while my wondering gaze was attracted by an elderly female in a Tuscan bonnet and green veil, who, drawing a black pint bottle from the pocket of her dress, proceeded to take a " snifter " therefrom, with vast appa- rent satisfaction, and then tendered it to the lady that sat next (a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with cherry-colored rib- bons), a lady rose and said — " Mrs. President : I move that a committee of one be appointed to send a servant to Batty and Parrens, for fifty-two brandy smashes.'''' A thrill of hor- ror ran through my veins ; I rose mechanically to my feet ; exclaimed " gracious goodness ! " and fell, in a fainting con- THE ladies' relief SOCIETY. 149 dition, against the back of the pew. H was my Susan I ! You remember the instant that intervenes between the flash of the lightning and the ensuing thunder clap : — for an in- stant there was silence, dead silence — you might have heard a paper of pins fall — then " at once there rose so wild a yell," " a man ! a man ! " they cried, and a scene of hubbub and confusion ensued that beggars description. The venerable female in the Tuscan shyed the pint bottle at my head — the little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back-handed wipe with a parasol, and for an instant my life was in positive danger from the shower of fans, hymn-books and other missiles that fell around me. " Put him out, Martha," said an old lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an adjacent pew — " I shan't," was the reply, " I haven't been introduced to him." " "Wretched creature," said the President in an awful voice, " who are you ? " " Reporter for the AMa " rose to my throat, but my lips refused their utterance. " What do you want ? " she continued, — " I want to go home," I feebly articulated. " Put him out ! " she rejoined ; and before I could think, much loss expostulate, I was pounced upon by two strong-minded women, and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist street, with the impression of a number three gaiter boot on my cloth- ing about ten inches below the two ornamental buttons upon the small of my back. From this latter circumstance, I have formed the impression that the little thing with the Dunsta- ble and cherry-colored ribbons assisted at my elimination. And now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think of this ? Does it not give rise to very serious reflections, that a society 150 THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY. should exist in our very midst of bo nefejious ^but indig- nation is useless. " I cannot do justice to the subject." Ruffled ia disposition, wounded to the heart in the best and most sacred feelings of my common nature, I can only subscribe myself, Your outraged Reporter, INAUGUEATION OF THE NEW COLLEC- TOR !— TREMENDOUS EXCITEMENT. ! ! Oriental Hotel^ San Fbangisoo. Pasbing up Montgomery street yesterday afternoon, between 3 and 4 o'clock, my attention was attracted by a little gentle- man with a small moustache, who rushed hastily past me, and turning down Commercial street sought to escape observation by plunging among the crowd of drays that perpetually tan- gle up Long Wharf. Though slightly lame, he had passed me with a speed that may have been equalled, but for a man of his size could never have been excelled ; and his look of frantic terror — ^his countenance, wild, pallid with apprehen- sion, as I caught for an instant his horror-stricken gaze, I shall never forget. I had turned partly axound to watch his flight, when with a sudden shook I was borne hurriedly along, and in an instant found myself struggling and plung- ing in the midst of a mighty crowd who were evidently in hot pursuit. There were old men young men and maidens, — ^at 152 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW OOLLECTOE. least I presume they were maidens, but it was no time for close scrutiny ; — there were Frenchmen, Englishmen, China- men, and every other description of men ; gentlemen with spectacles and gentlemen who were spectacles to behold ; men with hats and men without hats ; an angry sea of moustaches, coat-tails and hickory shirts, with here and there a dash of foam in the way of a petticoat; and all pouring and rushing down Long Wharf with me in the midst, like a bewildered gander in a mill race. There was no shouting — a look of stern and gloomy de- termination sat on the countenance of each individual ; and save an occasional muttered ejaculation of " There he goes ! " " I see him ! " we rushed on in horrid silence. A sickly feeling came over me as the conviction that I was in the midst of the far-famed and dreaded Vigilance Committee, settled on my mind ; here was I, borne along with them, an involuntary and unwilling member — I, a life member of the Anti-Capital Punishment Scociety, and author of the little work called " Peace, or Directions for the use of the Sword as a Pruning Hook," who never killed a fly in my life — ^here I was, probably about to countenance, by my presence, the summary execution of the unhappy little cul- prit with the small moustache, who, for aught I knew to the contrary, might be as immaculate as Brigham Young him- self What would Brother Greeley say to see me now ? But it was no time for reflection. " Onward we drove in dreadful race, pursuers and pursued," over boxes, bales, drays and INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 153 horses ; the Jews screamed and shut their doors as they saw us coming; there was a shower of many-bladed knives, German silver pencils, and impracticable pistols, as the show- cases flew wildly in the air. It was a dreadful scene. I am not a fleshy man — that is, not particularly fleshy — but an old villain with a bald head and spectacles, punched me in the abdomen ; I lost my breath, closed my eyes, and remem- ber nothing further. On recovering my faculties, I found myself jammed up flat against a sugar box, like a hoe cake, with my head protruding over the top in the most uncomfort- able manner, and apparently the weight of the whole crowd (amounting by this time to some six thousand) pressed against me, keeping me inextricably in my position. Here for an instant I caught a gUmpse of a Stockton boat just leaving the wharf ; — then every thing was obscured by a sudden shower of something white, and then burst from the mob a deep and melancholy howl, prolonged, terrific, hideous. I wrenched myself violently from the sugar box, and confronted a seedy- looking individual with a battered hat ; in his hand he held a crumpled paper, and on his countenance sat the gloom of des- pair. " In the name of heaven," I gasped, " what is this ? " " He has escaped," he replied, with a deep groan. " What has he done ? " said I ; " who is the criminal ? " " Done," said he of the seedy garments, turning moodily away, " noth- ing — it is the new Gollector ! 1 1 He's off to Stockton." The crowd dispersed ; slowly and sadly they all walked off. I looked over the side of the wharf. I am not given to exag- geration. You will believe me when I tell you that the sea 154 INAirGirK.ATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. was white with letters that had been thrown by that crowd ; for miles it was white with them, and far out in the stream her wheels filled with letter paper, her shafts clogged with dissolv ing wafers, lay the Stockton boat. On her upper deck, in a frenzied agony, danced the Pilot, his hand grasping his shat- tered jaw. An office-seeker had thrown a letter attached to a stone, which had dislodged four of his front teeth ! As I gazed, the steamer's wheels began to move. At her after- cabin window appeared a nose above a small moustache, a thumb and fingers twinkled for an instant in the sun-light, and she was gone. I walked up the wharf, and gazed rue- fully on my torn clothing and shattered boots, which had suffered much in this struggle of democracy. " Thank God ! Oh, Squibob," said I, " that you are a fool, or what amounts to the same thing in these times — a Whig — and have no of- fices to dispense, and none to seek for. Verily, the aphorism of Scripture is erroneous: It should read, It is equally cursed to give as to receive." I repaired to my own room at the Oriental. Passing the chamber of the Collector, I espied within, the chambermaid, an interesting colored person named Nancy. Now I used to have an unworthy prejudice against the colored race ; but since reading that delightful and truthful work, "Uncle Stowe's Log," my sympathies are with them, and I have rather encouraged a Platonic attachment for Nancy, which had been engendered between us by numerous acts of civility on my part and amiability on hers. So I naturally stopped to speak to her. She stood up to her midcOs in unopened INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLEOTOK. 155 letters. There must have been on the floor of that room eighteen thousand unopened letters. The monthly mail from the East would be nothing to it. " Mr. Squibob," said Nancy, with a sweet smile, "is you got airy shovel? " " No, Nancy," said I ; " why do you want a shovel ? " " To clar out dese yere letters," said she; " de CoUccker said I muss frow dem all away; he don't want no such trash about him." A thought struck me. I hastened to my room, seized a slop-pail, returned and filled it with letters, opened them, read them, and selected a few, which strike me as pe- culiarly deserving. If the Collector reads the Herald — and I know he " does nothing else " — these must attract his atten- tion, and the object of the writers will be attained. Here they are. Of course, I suppress the dates and signatures ; the authors will doubtless be recognized by their peculiar styles ; and the time and place at which they were written is quite immaterial. NO. I. Mv Dear Friend : — I presume you will be perfectly surrounded this morning, as usual, by a crowd of heartless office-seekers ; I therefore fake this method of addressing you. I thank God, I want no office for myself or others. Tou have known me for years, and have never known me to do a mean or dishonorable action. I saw W up at Stock- ton the other day, and he is very anxious that I should be appointed Inspector of Steamboats. He said that I needed It, and deserved it, and that he hoped you would give it to 156 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. me ; but I told bim I was no office-seeker — I should never ask you for any office. He said he would write to you about it. Please write to me as soon as you receive this, care of Parry & Batten. Your affectionate friend P. S. — My friend John Smith, who you know is a true Pierce & King man, is anxious to get the appointment of Weigher and Guager of Macaroni. He is an excellent fel- low, and a true friend of yours. I hope, whether you can spare an Inspectorship for me or not, you will give Smith a chance. NO. n. My Dear Sir : — Allow me to congratulate you on your success in obtaining your wishes. I have called twice to see you, but have not been able to find you in. Tou were kind enough to assure me, before leaving for Washington, that I might depend upon your friendship. I think it very im- probable that I shall be re-nominated. The water-front Ex- tension project has not been received with that favor that I expected, and what with Roman and the Whigs and that d d Herald, I feel very doubtful. You will oblige me by retaining in your possession, untU after the Convention, the office of to the Custom House. I must look about me to INAUGURATION OP THE NEW COLLECTOR. 157 command the means of subsistence. I will see you again on this subject. Very truly yours, P. S. — My young friend, Mr. John Brown, wishes to be made Inspector of Vermicelli. He is a pure Democrat dyed in the wool, and I trust in making your appointments you will not overlook his claims. Brown tells me he con- siders himself almost a relative of yours. His aunt used to go to school with your father. She frequently writes to him, and always speaks of you with great esteem. NO. III. MoN Amis : — I ave been ver malade since that I hav ar- rive> I ver muche thank you for you civilite on la vapor which we come ici, juntos. The peoples here do say to me, you si pued give to me the littel offices in you customs house. I wish if si usted gustan you me shall make to be Inspectors de cigarritos. Je F entends muy bien. Come to me see. Countess de Mister Jos6 Jones he say wish to be entree clerky. You mucho me oblige by make him do it. 158 INAUGUKATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. NO. IV. The foUowiDg was evidently dictated by some belligerent old Democrat to an amanuensis, who appears not to have got precisely the ideas intended : Sie: — I have been a dimocrat of the Jackson School thank Crod for twenty years. If you sir had been erected to an orifice by the pusUlanimons sufferings of the people as I was onst I would have no clam but sir you are appointed by Pierce for whom I voted and King who is dead as Julia's sister and I expectorate the office for which my friends will ask you sir I am a plane man and wont the orifice of Prover and taster of Brandy and wish you write to me at the Nian- tic where I sick three days and have to write by a young gentleman or come to see me before eleven o'clock when I generally get sick Tours P. S. My young man mr. Peter Stokes I request may be made inspector of pipes. NO. V. Mr. Colected H . Detor Elizer Muggins fore dosen peaces $12 . . Keceat pament. INAUGUK.ATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOK. 159 Mister Colected My husban Mikel Muggins mil wish me write you no matur for abuv if you maJie him inspector in yore custom hous, he always vote for Jackson and Scott and all the Dimocrats and he vote for Bugler and go for ex- tension the waser works which I like very much. Tou will much oblige by call and settel this one way or other. ELIZIE MUGGINS. Mike wants Mr. Timothy flaherty, who was sergent in Pirces regiment and held PLrces hoss when he rared and throwed him to be a inspector too hes verry good man. E. M. NO. VI. SiK : — ^I have held for the last four years the appointment of Surveyor of Shellfish in the Custom House, and have done my duty and understand it. I have been a Whig, but never interfered in politics, and should have voted for Pierce — it was my intention — ^but a friend by mistake gave me a wrong ballot, and I accidentally put it in, having been drinking a little. Dear sir, I hope you .will not dismiss me ; no man in this city understands a clam as I do, and I shall be very much indebted to you to keep my office for the present though have much finer ofiers but don't wish at present to accept. Very respectfully, 160 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. P. S. — My friend Mr. Thomas Styles wishes to keep his office. Dsar sir, he is Inspector of Raoeoon Oysters ; he is an excellent gentleman, and though they call him a Whig I think dear sir, there is great doubt. I hope you'll keep us both ; it's very hard to get good Inspectors who understand shell-&h. So much for to-day. If any gentleman incited by a laud- able curiosity wishes to peruse more of these productions, let him proceed to Telegraph Hill, and on the summit of the tower at the extremity of the starboard yard-arm, in the dis- charge of his duty will be found, always ready, attentive, courteous and obliging, SQUIBOB. SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUC- TIONS. No matter of local interest having occurred, worthy the pen of history, since the return of the " Congressional Rifles " from their target excursion at San Mateo, I propose to devote a few moments to the reprobation of an uncom- fortable custom prevalent in this city, to an alarming extent, and which if persisted in, strikes me as calculated to destroy public confidence, and, to use an architectural metaphor, shake the framework of society to its very piles. I allude to the pernicious habit which every body seems to have adopted, of making general, indiscriminate and public introductions. You meet Brown on Montgomery street : " Good morning. Brown; " " How are you. Smith? " " Let me introduce jou to Mr. Jones " — and you forthwith shake hands with a seedy individual, who has been boring Brown for the previous hour, for a small loan probably — an individual you never saw be- 162 SQUIBOB ABHOB.S STREET INTEODnCTIONS. / fore, never had the slightest desire to see, and never wish to see again. Being naturally of an arid disposition, and per- haps requiring irrigation at that particular moment, you unguardedly invite Brown, and your new friend Jones of course, to step over to Parry and Batten's, and imbibe. What is the consequence ? The miscreant Jones introduces you to fifteen more equally desirable acquaintances, and in two minutes from the first introduction there you are, with seventeen newly formed friends, aU. of whom " take sugar in their'n," at your expense. This is invading a man's quarters with a vengeance. But this is not the worst of it. Each gentleman to whom you have been introduced, wherever you may meet thereafter, in billiard room, tenpin alley, hot house or church, introduces you to somebody else, and so the list increases in geometrical progression, like the sum of money, which Gobnan in his arithmetic informs us the gentleman paid for the horse, with such a number of nails in his shoes — a story which in early childhood I remember to have implicitly believed. In this manner you form a crowd of acquaintances, of the majority of whom you recollect neither names nor faces, but being con- tinually assailed by bows and smUes on all sides, from un- known gentlemen, you are forced, to avoid the appearance of 'rudeness, to go bowing and smirking down the street, like a distinguished character in a public procession, or one of those graven images at Tobin & Duncan's, which are eternally wagging their heads with no definite object in view. This custom is peculiarly embarrassing in other respects. If you SQUIBOB ABHORS STRKET INTRODUCTIONS. 163 are so unfortunate as to possess an indifferent memory for names, and a decided idiosyncrasy for forgetting faces, you are continually in trouble as to the amount of familiarity with which to receive the salutation of some unknown indi- vidual to whom you have been introduced, and who persists in remembering aU about you, though you have utterly for- gotten him. Only the other day, at the Oriental Hotel, I met an elderly gentleman, who bowed to me in the most pleasant maimer as I entered the bar-room. I wasn't quite sure, but I thought I had been introduced to him at Pat Hunt's ; so, walking up, I seized hinn familiarly by one hand, and slapping him on the shoulder with the other, exclaimed, " How are you old cock ? " I shall not soon forget his suspicious glance, as muttering, " Old Cock, sir! " he turned indignantly away; nor my confusion aj; learning shortly after, that I had thus irreverently addressed the Rev. Aminadab Sleek, Chairman of the " Society for Propagating the Heathen in California," to whom I had brought a letter of introduction from Mis. Harriet Bitcher Stowe. On the same day I met and ad- dressed, with a degree of distant respect almost amounting to veneration, an individual whom I afterwards ascertained to be the husband of my washerwoman — a discovery which I did not make until I had inquired most respectfully after his family, and promised to call at an early day to see them. There are very few gentlemen in San Francisco, to whom I should dislike to be introduced, but it is not to gentlemen alone, unhappily, to whom this introduction mania is confined. 164 SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. Everybody introduces everybody else ; your tailor, your barber, and your shoemaker, deem it their duty to introduce you to all their numerous and by no means select circle of acquaintance. An unfortunate friend of mine, T — ^hf — ^1 J a, tells me that, stopping near the Union Hotel the other day to have his boots blacked by a Frenchman, he was introduced by that exUe, during the operation, to thirty-eight of his compatriots, owing to which piece of civility he is now suffering with a cutaneous disorder, and has been vi donc-ed, icid, and g d ever since, to that degree that he hates the sight of a French roll, and damns the memory of the great Napoleon. My own circle of acquaintance is not large ; but if I had a dollar for every introduction I have received during the last six weeks I should be able to back up the Baron in one of his magnificent schemes, or purchase the entire establish- ment of the Herald office. But I have said quite enough to prove the absurdity of indiscriminate introductions. Hoping, therefore, that you wiU excuse my introduction of the subject, and that Winn won't make an advertisement out of this article, I remain, as ever, yours faithfully. SQDIBOB AT THE PLAY. .\NOTHEE SQTJIBOB IN THE FIELD. Sah Feanoisoo, Juiio 10, 1S53. The sympathies of the community have been strongly ex- cited within the last few days in favor of an unfortunate gentleman of the Hebrew persuasion, on whom the officers of the Grolden Grate perpetrated a most inhuman atrocity, during her late trip from Panama. I gather from informa- tion of indignant passengers, and by contemplation of an affecting appeal to the public, posted in the form of a hand- bill at the corners of the streets, that this gentleman was forced, by threats and entreaties, to do violence to his feel- ings and constitution, by eating his way through a barrel {not a half barrel, as has been stated by interested individuals, anxious to palliate the atrocious deed) of clear pork ! The hand-bill alluded to is headed by a graphic and well-exe- cuted sketch by Solomon Ben David, a distinguished artist of this city, and represents the unhappy sufferer as he 166 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. emerged from the barrel after his oleaginous repast, ia the act of asking, very naturally, for a drink of water. The offence alleged, I find from a hasty perusal of the resolu- tions contained in the hand-bill, was simply that this gen- tleman, whose name appears to have been Oliver, was heard inquiring for Colonel Moore, our well known and respected Ex-Postmaster. My friend Saul Isaacs, who keeps the " any- thing on this table for a quarter " stand, tells me that on " doflSng his cask," the miserable Oliver was found com- pletely bunged up, and that he is now engaged in compos- ing a pathetic ode, describing his sufferings, to be called " The Barrel," with a few staves of which he favored me on the spot. It was truly touching. But it is needless to ring the chimes farther on this subject. But one side of the story has yet been heard, and as the officers promise a fiiU and com- plete explanation, it is to be hoped that public opinion may be suspended for a few months, tUl they can be heard from. I attended the American Theatre last evening, and had the pleasure of seeing several admirable pieces capitally per- formed, by the largest and finest assemblage of dramatic talent ever collected on one stage ia San Francisco. The occasion was the benefit of the Hebrew Benevolent Society, a very worthy and respectable charity, and the house was absolutely crammed from pit to dome. The aisles and lob- bies were thronged with gentlemen who were unable to obtain seats, and who could obtain but hasty and imperfect glimpses of the stage from their uncomfortable positions. Through the kindness of the box-keeper I was furnished with a chair, SQUEBOB AT THE PLAT. 167 from which, planted in the middle aisle of the parquette, I had an admirable view of the audience and the drop-curtain. The dress circle was crowded with the fair daughters of Zion and other localities, with silken hair darker than the driven charcoal, " and bright eyes that flashed on eyes that shone again." Above the second circle appeared a dense forest of black whiskers, and curvilinear proboscis; while from the gallery, that paradise of miners and minors, rang as from >a dragoon stable the never-ceasing cry of hay! The curtain rose on San Francisco's Pet — the accomplished Caroline Chapman — who appeared in one of her favorite pieces, a pretty little burletta, called the " Actress of All Work," in which she sustained, it is needless to say, most admirably, five distinct characters. She was greeted on her first entrance with tremendous and long-continued applause, which followed her throughout the piece, at the conclusion of which she was called before the ctirtain, when with one of her sweet smiles she sufficiently rewarded the audience for their just apprecia- tion of her talent, and her legion of admirers for the beau- tiful bouquets which fell around her. To say that she was the " bright particular star " of the evening's entertainment, would perhaps appear invidious ; but for pure, fresh, natural acting, ever-graceful, sparkling, and all-pretty as she appeared, she certainly could not be excelled, in her peculiar line of character — and she wasn't. The audience admired thee, Caroline ! and the humble hat of Squibob is at thy disposal for ever ! Miss Chapman was assisted by Mr. Hamilton, a veteran and most worthy actor, who did himself much credit, 168 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. as he always does in any part he undertakes. Then . came Miska Hanser, who with his violin " went up higher, and came down lower," and performed variations to that extent you couldn't distinguish the original tune more bewilderingly, and made it to squeal, and to bray, and to groan, and to whistle, and to grunt, and looked fiercer at the audience while he was doing it, than any concentrated number of musicians ever collected by that regal lover of harmony, the convivial Cole, could possibly have efiected. He was received with roars of applause by the audience, who made him do it all over again ; but as I am somewhat like a corn-field, with plenty of ears but no particular idea of music, I was not perhaps as ecstati- cally delighted as I ought to have been. Then Madame la Comtesse de Landsfeldt appeared in the second act of the pantomime of Telva, in which she delighted the audience with her artistic delineations of the character of an artless and affectionate dumb girl, and was most enthusiastically received and applauded. After which a comic song was given and encored by W. B. Chapman, well known as a comic actor of great celebrity, who enjoys a reputation in his style of per- formances only inferior to Burton and Placide. After this Mr. and Mrs. Baker acted very admirably, a very singular piece, neither farce or comedy, but rather suggestive of a school dialogue, which though not deficient in wit, and abound- ing in sparkling repartee, lacks adaptation to the stage, and would perhaps hare seemed tiresome, had it not been for the talent of the performers. Mr. and Mrs. Baker were received with a tempest of applause, and on being called before the SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 169 curtain at the conclusion of the dialogue, a large bouquet, or small conservatory of flowers, was thrown upon the stage, as a tribute of admiration and regard. The performance closed with the dance of " Le OUe " by the bewitching Lola, which she performed with inimitable grace and elasticity and very much to the satisfaction of the audience, if I may judge by the roars that rent the air as she appeared before the curtain in response to their call. Thus finished the entertainment of the evening, with which I, murmuring a kind ajew, retired to my virtuous bed, perfectly satisfied, as I presume did the Hebrew Benevolent Society generally, as their receipts must have been between, three and four thousand dollars, with which I hope they will do as much good as I should, if I had it. As I walked up the street on my return home, I noticed a lady who passed me in happy unconsciousness of a small placard adhering to what a sailor would call the afterpart of her shawl, on which, in capital letters, appeared the significant word — TAKEN. As she walked between two gentlemen, holding an arm of each, the notice was not altogether inappropriate. She had evidently sat upon one of the little placards so liberally dis- tributed every night over the front seats at the American, and it had adhered to her dress. Who is the witty individual that has adopted my time- honored signature in the Evening Journal. Funny beggar ! He certainly, he ! he ! he ! does get off, ha ! ha ! ha ! the drollest things, ho ! ho ! ho ! that I ever, ever heard. I was taking my dinner at the Oriental when that capital hit at the 170 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. Japan Expedition met my eye, and was borne &om the room by two strong waiters, choking with half a glass of watei imbibed the wrong way, kicking violently in the air with con- vulsions of laughter and delight, and exclaiming, oh ! d r it ; thus losing my repast, and forfeiting for ever the esteem of a grave and elderly gentleman with green spectacles, who sits opposite me, and has made strenuous efforts for my conver sion, with great hope of ultimate success. Adopt anothei name, fanny man, and do not continue to enhance thus unde servedly, the literary reputation of SQUIBOB. Editor of the THE PARABLE OF THE FOX AND ASS. Sait Frascisoo, June 12. I would respectfully call the attention of the Hvenini Jbumdl to the following fable, to be found in Esop's coUec tion, page 194 : " THE FOX AND THE ASS." " An ass, finding a Lion's skin, disguised himself therein and ranged about in the forest. After he had diverted him self for some time, he met a Fox, and being desirous t astonish him, he leaped at bim with some fierceness, an( endeavored to imitate the roaring of a Lion. ' Your humbl servant, sir,' said the Fox, ' if you had held your tongue, might have taken you for a Lion, as others did, but now yoi bray, / know who you are.'' SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 171 " We perceive from this fable how proper it is for those to hold their tongues who would not discover the shallowness of their understandings." I rather think it would be "painting the lily" to attempt any improvement on this beautiful and instructive parable, by any crude remarks of my own. SQUIBOB. THE LITEEARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. LINES TO LOLA MONTES. San Fbahoisoo, Jane 13tb, 1358. On assuming the responsible position of poetical critic for the Herald, I applied to my friend Mr. Parry for permission to place in one corner of his San Francisco renowned establish- ment, a cigar-box, with a perforated sliding cover, for the reception of poetical contributions, a request which that gentleman most urbanely granted. Knowing that " Parry's " was the favorite resort of the wits, literati and savans of the city, I hoped and believed that this enterprise would be crowned with the success that it merited; but either our city poets are unable to find quarters in that establishment, or there is dearth of that description of talent at present ; for with the exception of two or three contributions of " old soldiers " and a half-dollar deposited by an inebriated mem- THE LITEEARY CONTEIBUTION BOX. 173 ber of the last Legislature, on the representation of his friends that the box was placed there for the relief of dis- tressed Chinese women, nothing has come of it. Diurnally, after imbibing my morning glass of bimbo (a temperance drink, composed of " three parts of root beer and two of water-gruel, thickened with a little soft squash, and strained through a cane-bottomed chair)," have I gazed mournfully into that aching void, and have turned away to meet the sympathetic glance of Batten, who, being a literary man himself, feels for my disappointment, and shakes his head sadly as in reply to my mute inquiry, he utters the significant monosyllable " Nix." But this morn- ing my exertions were rewarded : " I had a bite." In my box I found the following contribution, and feeling de- lighted at my success, and to encourage others who may dread criticism, I shall publish it without remark or an- notation, merely premising that I know nothing whatever of M. W., but that he appears to be a worthy and impulsive young fellowi who, having become possessed of five dollars, invested it very properly in the purchase of a ticket at the American Theatre, where he incontinently fell in love with Mrs. Heald (as possibly others may have done before him), and where he hastily "threw off" the following lines, written doubtless on the back of a playbill, immediately after the conclusion of the Spider Dance, when he probably found himself in a sweet state, compounded of love, excitement and perspiration, caused by a great physical exertion, in pso- ducing the encore. Here it is : 174 THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. "TO LOLA MONTES. "Fair Lola! " I cannot belieye, as I gaze on thy face, And into thy sonl-speaking eye, There rests in thy bosom one lingering trace Of a spirit the world should decry. No, Lola, no! I read in those eyes, and on that clear brow, A Spirit — a Win — it is true ; I trace there a Sonl — ^kind, loving, e'en now; But it is not a wanton I yieyr, No, Lola, No! I will not believe thee cold, heartless and vain ! Man's mctm thou ever hast been ! With thee rests the sorrow, on thee hangs the chain ! Then on thee should the world cast the sin i No, Lola, no. M.W." Now isn't this but I proniised not to criticise. Tiy it again, M. W. — you'll do ! Winn, who is looking over my shoulder, and is a connoisseur in this description of poetry, says it is very fair — ^but he will persist in inquiring " what chain is alluded to in the last line but one ? " He thinks " there is a link wanting there to complete the connection." But never mind this, M. W. ; he would be glad enough to reward you liberally for a similar article laudatory of buckwheat cakes and golden syrup. Don't be dis- THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. 175 heartened! Just you go on and fill the cigar box, con- fident of deserving the " smiles " of Parry, the " cheer " of Batten, and the appreciation, with a " first-rate notice," of your admiring SQUIBOB. A VERY MOUENFUL CHAPTER. DEATH AND SPIRIT RESUBBECTION OF SQDIBOB. [Storied iy Im friend Skeu^xilL] 8ah FsAifoisoo, June 15tb, 1853. Editor Herald — It becomes my melancholy duty to in- form you of the decease, under most painful circumstances, of your friend and contributor, the unfortunate " Squibob." It has been evident to the public for some days past that his faculties were becoming much impaired, and his friends had noticed, with regret, growing evidences of imbecility, evinced by a disposition to mate unnecessary and inappropriate puns, and a tendency to ridicule the Board of Aldermen, the code of duelling, and other equally serious subjects and sacred institutions. Hopes were still entertained of his rallying, and many believed that he would yet be spared to us ; but, on the 13th instant, he was seized with a violent attack of the Evening Journal — a species of intermittent epidemic, which made its appearance regularly at four o'clock each A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 177 afternoon, and under the influence of which he rapidly sunk. He sent for me late yesterday evening, and I had the mournful satisfaction of being with him in his last moments, and of closing one of his eyes. I say one of his eyes, for the other persisted in remaining partly open, and his inter- esting countenance, even in death, preserves that inefiable wink of intelligence which so eminently characterized him while among the living. I found hini suffering much from physical and mental prostration, but evidently well aware of his approaching end, and calm and resigned in the con- templation of that event. Some idea may be formed of his condition " from a remark that he made : " "I sent to the cook for a hroiled pork chop," he feebly articulated, " and he sent me & fried one. It is satisfactory, in one's last moments thus to receive the consolations of religion from a San Fran- ciscan Friar.'''' I could not resist an expression of horror at this sad evidence of the alarmingly low state to which he had been brought. He smiled sadly, an(J said, with inefiable sweetness, " Never mind — ^it's better so. My friends have aU advised me to die, and it is my safest course. If I had continued in the papers, some bellicose individual would have ' called me out,'' and the Herald would have been ' rifled of its sweets.' " He was here seized with an alarming paroxysm, during which his hands were extended in a right line from the tip of his nose, the fingers separated and " twiddling " (if I may be allowed the expression) in a convulsive manner. On recovering, his eye feU on a copy of- the Evening Jour- nai. He shuddered, and muttering, in an incoherent manner, 8* 178 A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. " I am done Brown," turned away. I then gave him a glass of " Bimbo," which appeared to arouse his energies, and he requested that his daguerreotype of " Greene," in his great character of Sir -Harcourt Courtly, might be shown him. As I held before him the representation of that artist, a barrel organ in the street below struck up his favorite tune, " The Low-Backed Car." As the well-known sound struck on his ear, a light spread over his countenance. Sitting up in bed, he seized the miniature and clasped it to his breast. " Where is M. W. ? " he screamed. " Give it me quick ! quick ! ! " I hastily handed him yesterday's Herald. His eye fell on the lines. Gazing alternately on them and the miniature, and eagerly listening to the organ — " Poetry ! Music ! and the Drama ! " he exclaimed — ", Farewell ! fare- well, for ever ! " The light passed from his visage, his eye glazed, and falling back upon his pillow, his gentle spirit passed away without a struggle. I had left the room to give directions to the weeping Nancy, with reference to the disposal of the body, when re- turning, judge of my surprise at finding him sitting up in bed. "Look here, old fellow," said he, "By George! I quite forgot my last words — " This is the last of earth / — I siiU Uve I I 1 WISH THE CONSTITUTION TO BE PRESERVED ! ! ! HERE'S LUCK ! ! ! F" Then lying down, and closing one eye, with a wink, the intense meaning of which beggars all A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 179 description, he expired — this time "positively without re- serve." P. S. — The funeral ceremonies will take place to-morrow, at 11 o'clock, at " Patty and Barren's," when the public gene- rally are invited to attend (with rifles). The " Tangarees " (of which association the deceased was a member), and the " Moral Eeform Society," will form around the bier (lager), and accompany the body to its last resting place. Winn is now busily engaged in the melancholy duty of modelling his features in soft gingerbread. A copy of the bust in candy hjB promises shall be sent to the offices of the Serald and the Evening Journal. A Spiritual Medium (one of the tipping ones) has just been experimenting in the room with the remains. The following questions were put, eliciting the following an- swers — Question. — " Is the spirit of Squibob present ? " Answer. — " Slightually." Question. — " Are you happy ? " Answer. — " Rather." The Spirit here asked, through the Medium, the follow- ing question — " Are the public generally glad I am dead ? " A regard for veracity compelled every person in the room to reply : " Very ! " — ^when the table on which the experi- ments were being conducted was violently capsized, and the remains, sitting up in bed, threw a boot at the Medium, which broke up the meeting — the Medium very properly 180 A ViJfi MOUE.NFDL CHAPTER. remarking, that " it would be bootless to prosecute the in- quiry farther." Should any thing further of interest transpire, I wiU take much pleasure in informing you. Tours respectfully, SKBWBALL. KETUEN OF THE COLLEOTOK. THRILLING AND FRANTIC EXCITEMENT AMONG OFFICE- SEEKERS. PROCESSION AND SPEECH. Intelligence having reached the city yesterday morning that the new Collector might be expected by the Sophie from Stockton, at an early hour in the afternoon the crowd of office-seekers began to assemble, and by eight o'clock last evening, every avenue of approach to Long Wharf was entirely closed, and the wharf itself so densely packed with human beings, that the merchants and others compelled to resort thither, were obliged to step from the corner of Mont- gomery and Commercial streets upon the heads of the crowd, and proceed to their places of business over a living pavement. Much suffering having been caused by- the pas- sage of loaded drays and other carriages over the shoulders of the crowd, and many serious, accidents having occurred to individuals — among which we can only notice the unfor- 182 KETURN OP THE COLLECTOR. tunate case of a plethoric elderly gentleman, who, slipping on a glazed hat, fell down and broke himself somewhere — our worthy Mayor, ever alive to the calls of humanity, throwing aside all political prejudice, caused plank to be laid over the heads of the assembly from.Sansome street to the extremity of the wharf, which in a great measure allevi- ated their suflFering. There was no fighting or disorder among the crowd, for so closely were they packed that no man could move a finger ; one unfortunate individual who at an early stage of the proceedings had inadvertently raised his arm above his head, remained with it immutably fixed in that position. Like an East Indian Fakir, who had taken a vow to point for ever toward heaven, that melancholy hand was seen for hours directed towards the nearest bonded warehouse. Some idea of the amiable feeling existing among the mul- titude may be gathered from the statement of Capt. J. B , familiarly known as " Truthful James." He informs me that early this morning the keeper of a restaurant on the wharf picked up no less than seven hundred and eighty- four ears and three peck baskets full of mutilated fragments ! To use the words of James, as with horror-stricken counte- nance he made me this communication, " they had been chawed sir ! actilly chawed off! " Such horrible barbarity makes humanity shudder ! But I forbear comment, the business of your reporter is to state facts, not to indulge in sentiment. At half-past nine o'clock an electric shock ran through RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 183 the vast assemblage at the well-known sound of the Sophie's bell. All the agony and suflfering of ^he past few hours was forgotten : for an instant Long Wharf quivered like an aspen leaf, and then rose to heaven a mighty shout, which shook every building in the city to its foundations. The Sophie approached the wharf, the Collector and her other passen- gers disembarked, and in a few moments a procession was formed and proceeded in the following order to the Oriental. THE NEW COLLECTOR, In a carriage drawn by two horses, lashed to their utmost speed, tearing along Battery street towards the Hotel. All the male inhabitants of Stockton (except one reck- less and despairing old Whig, who, knowing he had no chance, and being confined to his bed by sickness, remained behind to take charge of the city) running eight abreast, at the top of their speed. THE POLICE OF SAN FRANCISCO, On a dead run, and much Mown. Candidates for office in the Custom House who had known the Collector in his early youth, ten abreast, bearing a ban- ner with the following motto : " Don't you remember the path where we met, long, long ago ? " A fire company, who had inadvertently turned into 184 RETURN OP THE COLLECTOE. Battery street, were driven fariously along with the proces- sion, and were wondering how the d — 1 they were ever to get out of it. Candidates for office who had lately become acquainted with the Collector, twelve abreast. Banner — " We saw him but a moment, but methinks we've got him now." Candidates who fervently wished to the Lord they could get acquainted with him. Candidates who had frequently heard of him — forty-five abreast. THE TJ. S. AEMT, Consisting of a discharged sergeant of the 9th infantry slightly inebriated, one abreast, desiring the Deputy Col- lectorship, or the Porterage, or that the Collector would give him four bits— didn't care a d — ^n which. MUSIC, By an unhappy dog, trodden under foot by the crowd and giving vent to the most unearthly yells. All the members of the Democratic party in California who did not wish for an office in the Custom House, consist- ing of a fortunate miner who had made his pile and was going home on the first of the month. Gentlemen who had the promise of appointments from influential friends, and were sure of getting them, walking RETURN OP THH COLLECTOR. 185 arm in arm with gentlemen without distinction of party, who were confident of drawing the Diamond watch in Reeve's Lottery. This part of the procession was four hours in passing a given point. M. L. WINN, Bearing in his right hand a pole from which floated a Bill of Fare three hundred and twenty-six feet in length, and in his left, a buckwheat cake glittering with golden syrup. MR. BRANCH, Supporting the other extremity of the Bill of Fare. CITIZENS GENERALLY, The procession having moved with great rapidity, soon arrived at the Oriental, but not as soon as the Collector, who rushing hastily into his room, locked and barricaded the door, having previously instructed the Landlord to in- form all persons who might inquire for him, that he was dead. Meanwhile the multitude had completely surrounded the hotel, and signified their impatience and disgust at find- ing the doors, closed by angry roars, uttered at half-second intervals. Finding their cries disregarded, a sudden move- ment took place among them, and for a few moments I feared the hotel was to be carried by storm, when a window on Bush street opened, and a gentleman, whom the darkness 186 RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. of the erening prevented my completely identifying, but who, I religiously belicTe to have been the Collector, appeared, and amid the most profound silence, made the following beautiful and touching address : " Gentlemen — I wish to Grod you would all go to bed ; you have worried and annoyed me beyond endurance. I am not to be caught by you as was General Scott, for I actually have no time to remove any portion of my clothing. I do not love brogue ; I be- seech you, therefore, to retire and allow me a little repose." The address here concluded with some allusion to the Deity and a reference to the eyes of the crowd, which being pro- nounced indistinctly, your reporter was not able entirely to comprehend, and with a sudden slam the window closed. The scene without now beggared description: roars, yells, frantic cries for " ladders ! " " ladders ! " rent the air. Within the hotel all was alarm and confusion — ^the ladies screamed, children cried, the alarmed proprietor spoke of sending for the Mary Ann Eifles, when — ^the scene suddenly changed. Upon the piazza of the house appeared a gentle- man, walking slowly with his hands in the pockets of a shawl dressing-gown ; he wore a brown wig, and an enormous pair of false whiskers framed his well-rouged cheeks. In a word, he was dressed in the character of Sir Harcourt Courtly. Turning slowly towards the crowd, he withdrew one hand from the pocket of the shawl dressing-gown, and slowly and awkwardly extending it, said : — " Cool ! " It was sufficient. For an instant, a shudder ran through the mob — ^then, with cries of " Ifs him, I v&s Greene I " they broke and dispersed RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 187 in every direction — ^up Bush and down Battery, through Stockton street and over the sand-hills, they fled like fright- ened deer. The earth seemed to have opened and swallowed them up, so sudden and complete was the dispersion. In one moment, where stood a mob of fifteen thousand, re- mained but two individuals. Above, with a sidelong bow and melancholy smile, slowly retired Sir Harcourt, and on the earth below, with open mouth and distended eyes, his admiring gaze fixed upon that extraordinary man with reverential awe, stood PHCBNIX. SATDTiDAT MOKHESa. P. S. " Truthful James " has just rushed up in a frantic state to inform me that the Collector did not arrive last night after all. When I made my report, I did not know whether he had or not, but I am inclined now to think he might have done so. I don't know that it makes any difier- ence. If he did arrive, my report is all true now — if he did not, why, when he does arrive, it will be all true then ; and those who read it this morning, and find it false, will have the pleasure of reading it again, when it becomes the history of an actual occurrence. Of course you won't publish this. PH(ENIX. PH(ENIX TAKES AN AFFECTIONATE LEAVE OF SAN FBANOISCO. 8ak Diego, Aug. 10, 1853. It was about 7^ A. M., on the first day of this present month of August, that I awaked from a very pleasant dream in the great city of San Francisco, to the very unpleasant conviction that it was a damp and disagreeable morning, and that my presence was particularly required in the small city of San Diego. So, having shaken hands with Frink, taken an affec- tionate leave of the chaimbermaid, and, lastly, devoured a beefsteak at the Branch of Alden, which viand, in perfect keeping with the weather, was both cold and raw, I shoul- dered my cane with a carpet bag suspended at each end, " a la Chinois," and left the Tehama House without " one linger- ing hope or fond regret." When a man is going down, every body lends bim a kick, an aphorism which I came very near realizing in my own proper person, for as I went on my way down Long Wharf, I accidentally grazed a mule, who being in LEAVING OF SAN FRANCISCO. 189 an evil frame of mind and harnessed to a dray might be con- sidered as passionately attached to that conveyance. This in- teresting animal, fancying from my appearance that I was " going down," " lent me a kick,'' which, had his legs been two inches longer, would have put a stop to my correspond- ence for ever. As it was I escaped, and hurried on down the wharf, thinking with a shudder on the mysterious prophecy of my friend little Miss B., who had told me I was " sure to be kicked " before I left San Francisco, and wondering if she was really " among the prophets." The Northerner, like the steamboat runners, was lying at the end of the wharf, blow- ing off steam, and as usual when a steamer is about to leave for Panama, a great crowd surrounded her. What made them all get up so early ? Out of the three or four hundred people on the end of that wharf I don't believe fifty had friends that were about to saiL No ! they love to look upon a steamer leaving. It brings to their minds recollections of the dear ones at home to whom she is speeding with fond tidings, and they love to gaze and wish to Heaven they were going in her. The usual mob of noisy fruit venders encom- passed the gangway plank ; green pears they sold to green- er purchasers ; apples, also, whereof, every thing but the shape of an apple had long since departed, and oranges, the recollection of one of which, doth to this day abide by me and set my teeth on edge ; but high above their din, the roar of the steamer and the murmuring of the crowd, rang the shrill cry of the newsboy in his unknown tongue, Here's the AUeruldnigunUmes Heup ! I stepped across the plank ar.d 190 LEAVING OP SAN FHANOISOO. found myself in the presence of three fine bullocks. How fat and sleek they looked ; uneasy though, as if they smeUed mis- chief in the wind. A tali gaunt specimen of Pike County humanity stood re- garding them approvingly, his head thrown slightly back, to get their points to better advantage. It was the tomb gaz- ing on its victim. As I paused for a moment to look on the picture. Pike yawned fearfully, his head opening like the top of an old-fashioned fall-back chaise. The nearest buUock, turning, caught his eye. I thought the unhappy animal shud- dered and nudged his companion, as who' should say, " Ye liv- ing, come and view the grave where you shall shortly lie." It was quite a touching little scene. On deck all was bustle and excitement. The sailors, apparently in the last extremity of physical suffering, judging by their agonized cries, were heaving away at mysterious ropes. The mate, Mr. Dall, was engaged in busy, not tender dalliance with the breast lines, while Burns the Purser exhibited an activity and good na- ture only to be accounted for by the supposition that he had eaten two boxes of Russia salve (which is good for Burns — see your advertising columns) for his breakfast. As the last line fell from the dock, and our noble steamer with a mighty throb and deep sigh, at bidding adieu to San Francisco, swung slowly round, the passengers crowded to the side to exchange a farewell salutation with their friends and acquaintances. " Grood bye, Jones," " Good bye. Brown," " God bless you old fellow, take care of yourself! " they shouted. Not seeing any one that I knew, and fearing the LEAVING OF SAN FRANCISCO. 191 passengers might think I had no friends, I shouted " Good bye, Muggins,'' and had the satisfaction of having a shabby man much inebriated, reply as he swung his rimless hat, " Grood bye, my brother." Not particularly elated at this recogni- tion, I tried it again, with, " Good bye. Colonel," whereat thirty-four respectable gentlemen took off their hats, and I got down from the position that I had occupied on a camp stool, with much dignity, inwardly wondering whether my friends were all aids to Bigler, in which case their elevated rank and affection for me would both be satisfactorily ac- counted for. Away we sped down the bay, the captain standing on the wheel-house directing our course. " Port, Port a little. Port," he shouted. " What's he a calling for ? " inquired a youth of good natured but unmistakable verdancy of appearance, of me. " Port wine," said I, " and the storekeeper don't hear him ,• you'd better take him up some." " I will," said Innocence ; " Iv'e got a bottle of first rate in my state room." And he did, but soon returned with a particularly crest-fallen and sheepish appearance. " Well, what did he say to you,'' inquired I. " Pointed at the notice on that tin," said the poor fellow. " Passengers not allowed on the wheel-house." " He is, though, ain't he ? " added my friend with a faint attempt at a smile, as the captain in an awful voice shouted, " Starboard ! " " Is what ? " said I, " Lovd on the wheel house I " Good God ! I went below. At 9 o'clock in the evening we arrived at Monterey, where our modest salute was answered by the thundering 192 LEAVING OP SAN FKANCISCO. response of a 24-pounder from the fort. This useful defen- sive work, which mounts some twenty heavy guns and eon- tains quarters for a regiment, was built in 1848, by Halleck, Peachy & Billings. It is now used as a hermitage by a lone- ly officer of the U. S. Army. The people of Monterey have a wild legend concerning this desolate recluse. I was told that he passes the whole of his time in sleep, never by any chance getting out of bed until he hears the gun of a steamer, when he rushes forth in his shirt, fires off a 24-pounder, sponges and reloads it, takes a drink and turns in again. They never have seen him ; it's only by his semi-montMj reports they know of his existence. " Well," said I to my informant, a bustling little fellow named Bootjacks, who came off on board of us, " suppose, some day a steamer should arrive and he should not return her gun ? " " WeU sir," re- plied Bootjacks, with a quaint smile, " we should conclude that he was either dead, or out of powder." Logical deduc- tion this, and a rather curious story, altogether; how I should like to see him! Bootjacks kindly presented me with the following state of the markets, &c. in Monterey, which will give you a better idea of the large business and commercial prosperity of that flourishing city, than any thing that I can write On those subjects. MONTEEET MARKETS. The arrival of a stranger by the Maj. Tompkins from San Francisco, during the past week, with specie to the amount of $4 87|, most of which has been put in circulation, has produced LEAVING OP SAN PKANCISCO. 193 an unprecedented activity among our business men. Confidence is in a great measm-e restored, and our merchants have had no reason to complain of want of occupation. The following is the state of our market, for the principal articles of domestic con- sumption : I^ouK — Twenty-five pounds, imported by Boston, & Oo. per Major Tompkins, still in first hands ; flour in small quantities is jobbing readily at 15 @ 18 cents ^ ft . "We notice sales of 10 ft by Boston, & Co., to Judge Merritt, on private terms. PoEK — The half bbl. imported by Ool. Russell, in March last, is nearly aU in the hands of jobbers ; sales of 4 ft at $1, half cash ; remainder in note at 4 months. A half bbl. expected by Boot- jack & Co., early in September, will overstock the market. Oandt — Sales of 6 sticks by Boston & Co. to purser of Maj. Tompkins, on private terms ; the market has a downward ten- dency ; candy is jobbing in sticks at 6 @ 8 cents. Potatoes — "We notice arrival of 10 ft from the Santa Cruz ; no sales. Dry Goods — Sales of two cotton pocket hdkfs. by Mo Kinley & Oo. at 62^ @ 75 cents ; indorsed note at 6 months. Lively place this. Thank Hedven my lot is not cast there — it was once, but the people sold it for taxes. Having taken on board the U. S. mail, containing one letter (which I believe must have been the resignation of the Collector), our noble steamer bore away to the Southward. Four bells tinkled from the little bell aft; four bells chimed from its deep-toned brother forward, and being of a retiring disposition, I retired. 9 PH(ENIX IS ON THE SEA. Bright and beautiful rose the sun, from out the calm blue sea, its early rays gleaming on the snow-white decks of the Northerner, and "gilding refined gold" as they pene- trated the state-room "A," and lingering, played among the tresses of the slumbering McAuburn. It was a lovely morn- ing, " the winds were all hushed, and the waters at rest," and no sound was heard but the throbbing of the engine and the splash of the paddle wheels as the gallant old Northerner sped on her. way, " tracking the trackless sea." Two sailors engaged in their morning devotions with the holy stones near my room, amused me not a little. One of them, either acci- dentally or with " malice prepense," threw a bucket of water against the bulwark, which ricocheting, struck the other on his dorsal extremity, as he leaned to his work, making that portion of his frame exceedingly damp and him exceedingly angry. " Tou just try that again, your soul," exclaimed the offended one, " and I'll slap your chops for you." " Oh, PHffiNlX IS ON THE SEA. 195 yes you will," sarcastieaUy rejoined he of the water bucket ; " IVe heard of you afore 1 FoitVe old chop-slapper's son, aint you? Father went round slapping people's chops, didn't he? " Then followed a short fight, in which, as might have been expected, " Old chop-slapper's son " got rather the worst of it. There was no excuse for being sick that morning, so our passengers, still pale, but with cheerful hope depicted in their countenances, soon began to throng the deck, segars were again brought into requisition, and we had an opportunity of ascertaining " whether there was any Bourbon among us." A capital set of fellows they were. There was Moore, and Parker, and Bowers (one of Joe Bowers' boys), and Sarsa- parilla Meade, and Freeman, which last mentioned gentle- men, so amusing were they, appeared to be travelling expressly to entertain us. And there were no ladies, which to me was a blessed dispensation. " Oh, woman ! in onr hours of ease Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; When pain and anguish fmng the hrow, A ministering angel thou." Certainly : but at sea. Woman, you are decidedly disa- greeable. In the first place, you generally bring babies with you, which are a crying evil, and then you have to have the best state-room and the first seat at the table, and monopolize the captain's attention and his room, and you make remarks to one another about us, and our segars and profanity, and 196 PH(BNIX IS ON THE SEA. accuse us of singing rowdy songs, nights ; and you generally wind up by doing some scandalous thing yourself, when half of us take your part and the other half don't, and we get all together by the ears, and a pretty state of afiairs ensues. No, woman ! you are agreeable enough on shore, if taken homeopathically, but on a steamer, you are a decided nuisance. We had a_ glorious day aboard the old Northerner; we played whist, and sang songs, and told stories, many of which were coeval with our ancient school-lessons, and like them came very easy, going over the second time, and many drank strong waters, and becoming mopsed thereon, toasted " the girls we'd left behind us," whereat one, who, being a tem- perance man, had guzzled soda-water until his eyes seemed about to pop from his head, pondered deeply, sighed, and said nothing. And so we laughed, and sang, and played, and whiskied, and soda-watered through the day. And fast the old Northerner rolled on. And at night the Captain gave us a grand game supper ia his room, at which game we played not, but went at it in sober earnest ; and then there were more songs (the same ones, though, and the same stories too, over again), and some speechifying, and much fun, until at eight bells we separated, some shouting, some laughing, some crying (but not with sorrow), but all extremely happy, and so we turned in. But before I sought state-room A that night, I executed a small scheme, for insuring undisturbed repose, which I had revolved in my mind during the day, and which met with the most brilliant success, as you shall hear. You remember the two snobs that every night, in the PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 197 pursuit of exercise under difficulties, walk up and down on the deck, arm in arm, rigbt over your state-room. Tou remember how, when just as you are getting into your first doze, they commence, tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! right over your head ; then you " hear them fainter, fainter still ; " you listen in horrible dread of their return, nourishing the while a feeble-minded hope that they may have gone below — when, horror ! here they come, louder, louder, till tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! they go over your head again, and with rage in your heart, at the conviction that sleep is impossible, you sit up in bed and despairingly light an unnecessary segar. They were on board the Northerner, and the night before had aroused my indignation to that strong pitch that I had determined on their downfall. So, before retiring, I proceeded to the upper deck, and there did I quietly attach a small cord to the stanchions, which stretching across, about six inches from the planking, formed what in maritime matters is known as a " booby trap.'' This done, I repaired to my room, turned in and calmly awaited the result. In ten minutes they came, I heard them laughing together as they mounted the ladder. Then commenced the exercise, louder, louder, tramp ! tramp ! — thump ! (a double-barrelled thump) down they came together, " Oh, what a fall was there my countrymen." Two deep groans were elicited, and then followed what, if published, would make two closely printed royal octavo pages of pro- fanity. I heard them d — ^n the soul of the man that did it. jjft was my soul that they alluded to, but I cared not, I lay there chuckling; " they called, but I answered not again," 198 PHOENIX IS ON THE 8EA. and when at length they limped away, their loud profanity, subdued to a blasphemous growl, I turned over in a sweet frame of mind and, falling instantaneously asleep, dreamed a dream, a happy dream of " home and thee " — Susan Ann Jane ! The next morning bright and early, the Coronados hove in sight, and at 10 o'clock we rounded Point Loma and ran alongside the coal hulk Clarissa Andrews, at the Playa of San Diego — just forty-nine hours from San Francisco. The captain (he is the crew also) of the Clarissa Andrews, the gallant Bogart, stood on her rail ready to catch our flying line, and in a few moments we were secured alongside, our engine motionless and my journey ended. It was with no small regret that I bade adieu to our merry passengers and our glorious captain. Noble fellow ! I don't wonder enthusiastic passengers get up subscriptions and make speeches and present plate and trumpets, and what not to such men. It's very natural. A good captain is sure to have a good ship ; a voyage with him becomes an agreeable matter ; he makes his passen- gers happy and they very naturally fall in love with him, and seek some method of displaying their attachment and " trum- peting his praise abroad." Our captain was one of this sort; kind, courteous and obliging, and " every inch a sailor," heis as much beloved and respected by his passengers as Dick Whiting of the Galifornia (who to my mind is the ne plus uUra of steamboat men), and when I say that the first letter PHOENIX IS ON THE SEA. 199 of his name is Isham, I'm sure every body that ever travelled with him, will agree with me. The Northerner, too, is a splendid and most comfortable ship, as which of. the Pacific Mail boats are not ? however. And this subject brings to my mind a little circumstance which took place the day before I left San Francisco. A shabby-genteel individual, with a pale face, in the cen- tre of which shone a purple nose that couldn't be beat (though it resembled the vegetable of that name), called on me, and drawing from his coat-tail pocket, with an air of mystery, a voluminous manuscript, spread it solemnly before me and requested my signature. It was a petition to Con- gress, or Mr. Pierce, or John Bigler, or somebody, to trans- fer the contract for carrying the mails, from the " Pacific Company" to " Vanderbilt's Line,'' and was signed by Brown & Co., Jones & Co., Smith & Brothers, Noakes, Stiles & Thompson, and ever so many more responsible firms, whereof I recognized but one, which deals in candy nightly at the cor- ner of Commercial and Montgomery streets, and pays no taxes, and whose correspondence with the Eastern States I suspect is not large. I love to sign my name. It is a weakness that most modest men have. I love to write it, and cut it, and scratch it in steeples, and monuments, and other places of public resort. Most men do. It looks pretty, passes away the time, perpetuates their memory among posterity, and costs nothing. I frequently buy something that I don't want at all, just for the pleasure of signing my name to a check — (I bought a ridiculous buggy the other day for no other reason 200 PHOENIX IS ON THE SEA. that I can imagine.) But I had no inclination to append my autograph to fhat petition, and I declined, positively and per- emptorily — declined. My friend with the nose rolled up his eyes and rolled up his paper, pocketed it, and was about to withdraw. " Stop ! " said I, as a vivid recollection flashed across my mind ; " what are you going about with that paper for ? Didn't I see you a few months ago marching down the street at the head of a long procession, bearing a big banner with " Vanderbilt's Death Line ! " in great letters thereon, and giving vent to aU sorts of scurrility against the Nica- ragua route ? " The red nose grew redder, as he muttered something about " a man's being obliged to get a living," and he retired. I saw him go and get his boots blacked by a Frenchman right opposite, give him a quarter, and get him to sign his name, which that exile did and thought it was a receipt for the money, and I laughed heartily. But it is no laughing matter. Having taken leave of all on board the dear old North- erner, and shaken hands twice all round, during which process the mate sang out, " Bare a hand there," and I mechanically took off my glove, McAuburn and I were transported to the shore, where, whUe waiting for a wagon to take us to the old town of San Diego, we stopped at the little public house of the Playa, kept by a civil fellow named Donahoo, whomi the Spaniards here, judging from his name {DonH know who), believe to be the son of old " Quien sabe " himself What befell us there and thereafter I will shortly inform you. PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. The Bay of San Diego is shaped like a boot, the leg forming the entrance from the sea, and the toe extending some twelve miles inland at right angles to it, as a matter of course, points southward to the latter end of Mexico, from which it is distant at present, precisely three miles ! The three villages then, which go to make up the great city of San Diego, are the " Playa," " Old Town," and " New Town," or " Davis's Folly." At the " Playa " there are but few buildings at present, and these not remarkable for size or architectural beauty of design. A long, low, one-storied tenement, near the base of the hills, once occupied by rol- licking Captain Magruder, and the officers under his com- mand, is now the place where Judge Witherby, like Matthew, patiently " sits at the receipt of customs." But few customers appear, for with the exception of the mail steamers once a fortnight, and the OoUah and Ohio, two little coasting steamers that wheeze in and out once or twice a month, the 9* 202 PHffiNIX IN SAN DIEGO. calm waters of San Diego Bay remain unruffled by keel or cutwater from one year's end to another. Such a thing as a foreign bottom has never made its appearance to gladden the Collector's heart ; in this respect, the harbor has indeed proved bottomless. Two crazy old hulks riding at anchor, and the barque Clarissa And/rews (filled with coal for P. M. S. S. Co.), wherein dwells Captain Bogart, like a second Robinson Crusoe, with a man Friday, who is mate, cook, steward and all hands, make up the amount of shipping at the "Playa." Then there is the "Ocean House" (that's Donahoe's), and a store marked Gardiner & Bleeker, than the inside of which nothing could be bleaker, for " there's nothing in it," and an odd-looking little building on stilts out in the water, where a savan named Sabot, in the employ of the U. S. Engineers, makes mysterious observations on the tide ; and these with three other small buildings, unoccupied, a fence and a grave-yard, constitute all the " improvements" that have been made at the " Playa." The ruins of two old hide-houses, immortalized by Dana in his " Two Tears before the Mast," are still standing, one bearing the weather-beaten name of Tasso. We examined these and got well bitten by fleas for our trouble. We also examined the other great curiosity of the Playa — a natural one — ^being a cleft in the adjacent hills, some hundred feet in depth, with a smooth, hard floor of white sand, and its walls of indurated clay, per- forated with cavities, wherein dwell countless numbers of great white owls, from which circumstance. Captain Bogart calls it " Owldom " PHOiNDC IN SAN DIEGO. 203 Through this cleft we inarched into the bowels of the land without impediment, for nearly half a mile, when being brought to a stand still by a high, smooth wall, MoAuburn did proceed to carve thereon a name. But as he laid out his work on too extensive a scale, the letters being about three feet in length — though he worked with amazing energy — he got no farther than this — JO, when his knife broke and the inscription remained incomplete. Whether, therefore, it was intended to perpetuate to posterity the memory of the great Joseph Bowers, or one of his girls, we may never know, as Mac showed no disposition to be communicative, and indeed requested me to " dry up," when ,1 questioned him on the subject. From present appearances, one would be little dis- posed to imagine that the " Playa " in five or six years might become a city of the size of Louisville, with brick buildings, paved streets, gas lights, theatres, gambling houses, and so forth. It is not at all improbable, however, should the great Pacific Railroad terminate at San Diego, an event within the range of probability, the " Playa " must be the depot, and as such will become a point of great importance. The land- holders about here are well aware of this fact, and conse- quently affix already incredible prices to very unprepossessing pieces of land. Lots of one hundred and fifty feet front, not situated in particularly eligible places either, have been sold within the last few weeks for five hundred dollars apiece. " Be gustibus," &c. At present I confess I should prefer the money to the real estate. While at the Playa, I had the pleasure of forming an acquaintance with the Pilot, Captain 204 PHtENIX IN SAN DIEGO. Wm. Q. Oliver, as noble a specimen of a sailor as you would wish to see. He was a lieutenant in the Texas navy, under the celebrated Moore, and told me many yarns concerning that gallant Commander. Grreat injustice, I think, has been done in not giving to these officers the rank to which they are entitled in our service. Captain Oliver would do honor to any navy in the world, for beside being a thorough seaman he is an accomplished and agreeable gentleman. Leaving the Playa in a wagon drawn by two wild mules, driven at the top of their speed, by the intrepid Donaho, Mac and I were whirled over a hard road, smooth and even as a ball-room floor, on our way to " Old Town." Five miles from the " Playa " we passed the estate of the Hon. John Hays, County Judge of San Diego, an old Texian, and a most amiable gentleman. The judge has a fine farm of eighty or one hundred acres, under high cultivation, and what few gen- tlemen in California can boast of — a private fish pond ! He has enclosed some twenty acres of the flats near his residence, having a small outlet, with a net attached, from which he daily makes a haul almost equalling the miraculous draught on the Lake Gennesaret. The old town of San Diego is pleasantly situated on the left bank of the little river that bears its name. It contains, perhaps, a hundred houses, some of wood, but mostly of the "Adoban'' or "Grresan" order of architecture. A small Plaza forms the centre of the town, one side of which is occu- pied by a little adobe building used as a court room, the " Colorado House," a wooden structure, whereof the second PHOENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 205 story is occupied by the San Diego Herald, as a vast sign bearing that legend informed us, and the Exchange, a hos- telry, at which we stopped. This establishment is kept by Hoof (familiarly known as Johnny, but whom I once chris- tened Cloven), and Tibbetts, who is also called Two litis, in honorable distinction from an unworthy partner he once had, who obtained unenviable notoriety as " Picayune Smith.'''' On entering, we found ourselves in a large bar and billiard room fitted up with customary pictures and mirrors. Here I saw Lieut. Derby, of the Topograpical Engineers, an elderly gentleman of emaciated appearance, and serious cast of features. Constant study and unremitting attention to his laborious duties have reduced him almost to a skeleton, but there are not wanting those who say that an unrequited attachment in his earlier days, is the cause of his care-worn appearance. He was sent out from Washington some months since, " to dam the San Diego River," and he informed me with a deep sigh and melancholy smile, that he had done it (mentally) several times since his arrival. Here, also, I made the ac- quaintance of Squire Moon, a jovial, middle-aged gentleman from the State of Georgia, who replied to my inquiries con- cerning his health, that he was " as fine as silk, but not half so well beliked by the ladies." After partaking of supper, which meal was served up in the rear of the billiard room, alfresco, from a clothless table, upon an earthen floor, I fell in conversation with Judge Ames, the talented, good-hearted but eccentric editor of the San Diego Herald, of whom the 206 PHCENEC IN SAN DIEGO. poet Andrews, in his immortal work, " The Coeopa Maid," once profanely sang as foUows : " There was a man whose name was Ames, His aims were aims of mystery ; His story odd, I think by ■ Would make a famous history." I found "the Judge" exceedingly agreeable, urbane and well informed, and obtained from him much valuable informa- tion regarding San Diego and its statistics. San Diego con- tains at present about seven hundred inhabitants, two-thirds of whom are " native and to the manor born," the remainder, a mixture of American, English, Grerman, Hebrew and Pike County. There are seven stores or shops in the village, where any thing may be obtained from a fine-tooth comb to a horse rako, two public houses, a Catholic church which meets in a private residence, and a Protestant ditto, to which the Rev. Dr. Reynolds, chaplain of the military post six miles distant, communicates religious intelligence every Sunday afternoon. San Diego is the residence of Don Juan Bandini, whose mansion fronts on one side of the Plaza. He is well known to the early settlers of California as a gentleman of distin guished politeness and hospitality. His wife and daughters are among the most beautiful and accomplished ladies of our State. One of the latter is married to Mr. Stearns, a very wealthy and distinguished resident of Los Angelos, another to Col. Oouts, late a Lieutenant in the first regiment of U. S. dragoons, and another to Mr. Charles Johnson, who for a PH(ENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 207 long time was the agent of the P. M. S. S. Company at this place. The whole family is highly connected and universally respected. Having smoked the pipe of contemplation, and played a game of billiards with a young gentleman who remarked, " he could give me fifty and beat me,'' which he certainly did, with a celerity that led me to conclude " he couldn't do any thing else," I retired for the night, but not to sleep, as I fondly imagined. Fleas ? rather I I say nothing at present ; my feelings of indignation against those wretched insects are too deep for utterance. On another occasion, when in a milder mood, I intend to write a letter concerning and condemnatory of them, and publish it. Yes, by Heaven, if I have to pay for it as an advertisement ] The next morning, bright and early, I parted with my young military friend McAuburn, who was about to join his company at the Gila Eiver. " Good bye. Phoenix,'' says he, " God, bless you, old fellow ! And look here, if you go to San Francisco, tell her — no, by George ! you always make fun of every thing. Good bye." So he wrung my hand and galloped away, and I stood looking after him till his prancing horse and graceful figure were hid by the projecting hiUs of the old Presidio. " Blessings go with you my boy 1 " said I, " for a fine, honest, noble-hearted young chap, you haven't many superiors in the U. S. Army ; and happy, in my opinion, is the woman who gets you." How I went to a Baile, and visited " New Town," and rode forth to the Mission, and attended a Fiesta, and the ex- 208 PHCBNIX IN SAN DIEGO. traordinary adventures that befell me there, shall form the subject of a future epistle ; at present my time is too much occupied, for lo, I am an editor ! Hasn't Ames gone to San Francisco (with this very letter in his pocket), leaving a notice in his last edition, " that during his absence an able literary friend will assume his position as editor of the Herald," and am I not that able literary friend ? (Heaven save the mark.) " You'd better believe it." I've been writing a " leader " and funny anecdotes all day (which will account for the dryness of this production), and such a " leader,'' and such anecdotes. I'U send you the paper next week, and if you don't allow that there's been no such publication, weekly or serial, since the days of the " Bunkum Flagstaff," I'll craw fish, and take to reading Johnson's Dictionary. Fraternally — ahem ! Yours. CAMP REMINISOENOES. Perhaps, you will not object to a few short military yarns which I have hastily twined for your edification. And if the interesting, fair-haired, blue-eyed (or otherwise) son of the reader, now sitting on his knee, on heading them, should look confidingly into his parent's face, and inquire — " Is that true. Papa ? " reply, oh reader, unhesitatingly — '' My son, it is." Many years since, during the height of the Florida war, a company of the Second Infantry made their camp for the night, after a rainy day's march, by the bank of a muddy stream that sluggishly meandered through a dense and un- wholesome everglade. Dennis Mulligan, the red-haired Irish servant of the commanding officer, having seen his master's tent comfortably pitched, lit a small fire beneath a huge palmetto, and having cut several slices of fat pork from the daily ration, proceeded to fry that edible for the nightly repast. 210 CAMP REMINISCENCES. In the deep gloom of the eyening, silence reigned un- broken but by the crackling of Dennis's small fire and the frizzling of the pork as it crisped and curled in the mighty mess-pan, when suddenly, with a tremendous " whoosh," the leaves of the palmetto were disturbed and a great barred owl, five feet from tip to tip, settled in the foliage. Dennis was superstitious, most Irishmen are, and startled by the disturbance, he suspended for an instant his culinary opera- tions, and frying-pan in hand, gazed slowly and fearfully about him. Persuading himself that the noise was but the effect of imagination, he again addressed himself to his task, when the owl set up his fearful hoot, which sounded to the horrified ears of Dennis, like, " Who — coohs — -for you — all ? Again he suspended operations, again gazed fearfully forth into the night, again persuaded himself that his imagination was at fault, and was about to return to his task, when accidentally glancing upward he beheld the awful countenance and glaring eyes of the owl turned downward upon him, and from that cavernous throat in hollow tones, again issued the question, " Who — who — coohs— for you — all ? " " God bless your honor," said poor Dennis, while the mess-pan shook in his quivering grasp, and the unheeded pork poured forth a molten stream, which, falling upon the flames, caused a burst of illu- mination that added to the terrors of the scene, " God bless your honor,/ cooks for Captain Eaton, but I don't know sir, who cooks for the rest of the gintlemen." A burst of fiendish laughter followed — ^from those who had witnessed the in- CAMP REMINISCENCES. 211 cident unseen, and " Dennis's Devil " became a favorite yarn in the Second Infantry, from that time forth. In New Mexico, at some time during the last two years, Capt. A. B. of the lirst Dragoons, commanding Company, had been stationed about forty miles from a small post commanded by Lieut. 0. B. of the Infantry. One day Capt. B. concluded to ride over and give his neighbor a caU ; so throwing himself athwart a noble horse, he started, and after a hard gallop — forty miles is a respectable ride you know — he arrived at 0. B.'s tent just as the drummer was performing that popular air, " Oh, the roast beef of Old England." Reining in his horse and shaking hands with 0. B., who came forth to greet him, " on hospitable thought intent," Tie said, " Well, Lawrence, been to dinner ? " " No, I haven't," was the reply, "just going, come in, come in; " ^" Devilish glad of it," said Capt. B. dismounting, " never was so hungry in all my life." " Well, come in," said 0. B., and they went in accordingly, and took seats at a small uncovered pine table, on which a servant shortly placed a large tin pan full of boiled rice, and a broken bottle half full of mustard. The Captain looked despairingly around — there was nothing else. " Abe," said 0. B., as he drew the tin pan towards him, " are you fond of boiled rice ? " " Well, no," said Abe, somewhat hesitatingly, " I can't say that I am — very — Lawrence." " Ah," replied Lawrence, coolly, " well just help yourself to the mustard/" "He was from South Carolina," said B., 212 OAMF REMINISOENOES. when he told this story, " and they eat rice down there some-what." For the following, Lieut. W. of the Engineers is re- sponsible. He told it to me in 1852, at the Caf6 of Do- minico, in Havana. Old Col. Tom S. of the Infantry, a very large, burly, red- faced gentleman, with a snow-white head and a voice like a bass trombone, has an unfortunate habit of thinking out loud. While stationed temporarily in Washington, the old gentle- man one Sunday morning, took it into his head to go to church, where he took a seat in a pew beneath the pulpit, and, prayer-book in hand, attentively followed the clergyman through the service. It happened to be the 17th day of the month ; but in giving out the Psalms for the day, the Eev. Mr. P. made a mistake and announced — " The 16th day of the month, morning prayer, beginning at the 79th Psalm." When to the astonishment of the congregation, Old Col. Tom in the pew below, in a deep bass voice ihought aloud — " The nth day of the month, by Jupiter I " The clergyman im- mediately corrected himself — "Ah! the 17th day of the month, morning prayer, beginning at the 86th. Psalm." When the propriety of the assembly was immediately dis- turbed by another thought from Old Tom, who in the same deep tone remarked, " Sad himthere! " He had, certainly, and the congregation also. Two years ago, when the gallant Col. Magruder, of con- vivial memory, commanded the U. S. forces at the Mission of San Diego, it entered into that officer's head to execute a CAMP REMINISCENCES. 213 serenade for the behoof of certain fair ladies then honoring JNew Town with their presence. Accordingly all the officers of the mess who conld sing, play, or beat time, were pressed into the service, and one night about 12 o'clock, a jolly crowd loft the Mission for New Town, in a large wagon plentifully furnished with guitars, flutes, and other arangements of a musical nature. Among the rest, a jovial young surgeon, attached to the command, had installed himself on the back seat, with his instrument ; which happened on this occasion to be a bottle of whiskey, and on which he played during the ride with such effect as to have raised his spirits on the ar- rival at New Town, considerably above the fifth ledger line. Tou may remember a Bowery song, rather popular in those days, the chorus of which ran — " Oil my name is Jake Keyser, I was bom in Spring Garden, To make me a preacher, my father did try ; Bnt if s no use a blowing, for I am a hard one, And I am bound to be a butcher, by Heavens, or die." This unfortunate song had somehow or other occurred to the Doctor, he couldn't get rid of it, he couldn't help singing it ; and accordingly when the whole party were duly ranged beneath the window and with flutes and voices upraised, were solemnly bleating forth " Oft in the stilly night," the entertainments were disagreeably varied ; for far louder 214 CAMP REMINISCENCES. than ihe " stilly night," rang the wild medical chant, only varied by an occasional hie, " Oh my name is Jake Keyser," &c. This was not to be borne ; so turning fiercely on the de- linquent Esculapius, Col. Magruder commanded him to desist from the interruption, and to " thenceforth hold his peace." With admirable strategy the Doctor backed up against an adjacent fence, where he could deliver himself safely and to advantage, and with most intense dignity replied — " Col. Magrudger, I'm rofficer of the arry, when I'm ath' Mission, I'm under your orrers ; consider se'f so — and — obey 'im ; But, when I'm down here sir ! serrerading — " Oh, I'm hound to he a hutcher, by Heavens,, or die ! whoop ! " and after per- forming an extempore dance, of a frantic description, during which he fell to the earth, the Doctor was borne by main force to the wagon, where he slept at intervals during the re- mainder of the serenade, occasionally waking as some flourish of extra shrillness or power occurred, to mutter incoherently, that his " name was Jake Keyser." My last sheet of paper is exhausted, so I presume is your patience. I have glanced hastily over my work to see if there is any thing that Miss Pecksniff may object to ; I see nothing. A little blank swearing, to be sure, but I grieve to say that it is difficult to relate stories without, for since the days of Uncle Toby and the Flanders campaign CAMP REMINISCENCES. 215 there is no question but what the army have sworn terribly ; but I really believe that " they don't mean any thing by it, it's just a way they've got," which is a remark made by an affectionate father, when told that his seven children had all been seized with the measles in one night. — Adieu. " When other lips and other hearts," &o. Tours respectively. JONN PH(ENIX TO THE PIONEER San Biseo, Gal., April 20tta, 1854. On receiving my long-promised file of The Pioneer, accom- panied by your affecting entreaty to " Come over into Mace- donia and help us," deeply impressed with the importance of the crisis, I rushed about this village as wildly as a fowl de- capitated, but with purpose more intent. Hastily collecting our Improvisatori, including "the Squire," " his Keverence," and the funny " Scheherazade," I besought them in the name of humanity, and by the mem- ory of Miller, to tell me quickly their choicest anecdotes, their raciest puns, and newest conundrums, that I might collate them for your benefit, and San Diego assume its prop- er literary positioji at (not under) your editorial table. My success was encouraging, and I herewith present you a choice selection of the anecdotes accumulated, which have at least the merit claimed by the late Ben Jonson for an original piece of blank verse ; for " Poetry or not poetry, they're true by JOHN PHCENIX TO THE PIONEER. 21T Heavens." In the course of my researches, I collected many quite new and particularly shocking sayings of blasphemous little children ; but I shall not tell you these, for with all due deference to the taste of those who have rendered this style of literature fashionable of late, I cannot refrain from ex- pressing the opinion that the subject has been rather " insert- ed in the earth ; " and if that wicked old Clark, of the Knickerbocker, don't roast hereafter for starting it, we're go- ing to have a much easier time in the next world than my knowledge of the Scriptures gives reason to believe. " De gustibus non est disputandum," as the old lady remarked with an affectionate simper, when she kissed her cow. Here are the stories — mira. In 1849, " Jacks & Woodruff" kept on Clay street, just above Kearney, one of the largest jewelry establishments in San Francisco. Jacks (who, by the way, is one of the fun- niest men that ever lived), being well-known and universally popular, in order to let new arrivals among his home ac- quaintances know that he was round, had his name, Pulaski Jacks, painted in big capitals on a sheet of tin, and nailed up beside the door. One day a tall, yellow-haired, sun-burned Pike, in the butternut-colored hat, coat and so forths " of the period," entered and accosted Woodruff, who was behind the counter, with, " Say, stranger, I want to take a look of them new-fangled things of yourn." " What things, sir ? " " Why them Pulashi Jacks ! " " Why that," said Woodruff, laughing, " is my partner's name. Jacks & Woodruff; name's Pulaski— Pulaski Jacks— see ? " " No 1 " said Pike, " is it ! " 10 218 JOHN PHCENIX TO THE PIONEEB. Well, looks like ; darned if I knowed it though ; I swar I didn't know as they was loot-jacks or jack-asses ; ho ! ho ! " And taking another good long look at the object of his curios- ity, he travelled. Jacks took that tin thing down. — Sug- _ gestive, this is, of a story told us not long since by Maj. E. of the army, which we are not aware ever appeared before in print ; " least-ways," we never saw it. A solemn-looking fel- low, with a certain air of dry humor about the corners of his rather sanctimonious mouth, stepped quietly one day, into the tailoring establishment of " Call & Tuttle," Boston, Mass., and quietly remarked to the clerk in attendance, " I want to tuttle.'''' " What do you mean, sir ? " inquired the astonished official. " Well," rejoined he, " I want to tuttle — noticed your invitation over the door, so I called, and now I should like to tuttle I " He was ordered to leave the establishment, which he did, with a look of angry wonder, grumbling, sotto voce, that it seemed devilish hard he couldn't be allowed to tuttle after an express invitation. — And this again reminds us of a facetious performance of the late J. P. Squibob, who, " once on a time," while walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, was sorely mysti- fied by a modest little sign, standing in the window of a neat little shop on the left-hand side as you go down. The sign bore, ingayly painted letters, the legend, " Washington Ladies' Depository." Flattening his nose against the window, Squi- bob descried two ladies, whom he describes as of exceeding beauty, neatly dressed and busily engaged in sewing, behind a little counter. The fore-ground was filled with lace caps, babies' stockinga, compresses for the waist, capes, collars and JOHN PHffiNIX TO THE PIONEER. 219 other articles of stiU life. Hat in hand, Squibob reverently- entered, and with intense politeness, addressed one of the ladies as follows : " Madam, I perceive by your sign that this is the depository for Washingion ladies ; I am going to the North for a few days, and should be pleased to leave my wife in your charge — But I don't know, if by your rules you could receive her, as she is a Baltimore woman ! " " One of the ladies," says Squibob, " a pretty little girl in a blue dress^ sewing on a thing that looked like a pillow-case with arm- holes, turned very red, and holding down her head, made the remark ' fo Ae / ' But the elder of the twain, after making as if she would laugh, but by a strong-minded effort holding in, replied, ' Sir, you have made a mistake ; this is the place where the society of Washington ladies deposit their work, to be sold for the benefit of the distressed natives of the Island of Fernando de Noronha,' or words to that effect." Gravely did the wicked Squibob bow, all solemnly begged her pardon, and putting on his hat, walked off, followed by a sound from that depository, as of an autumnal brook, gurgling and babbling gayly over its pebbly bed in a New England forest. My stock is my no means exhausted, but " Demasiado de una cosa huena es demasiado," as Don Juan remarked when he took twenty-four Brandreth's pills and his wife earnestly solicited him to swallow the box. Next month, Deo volente, you shall hear from me again j till then adieu. EEVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. PREPARED BY JOHN PHCENIX. IA,fe and Times of Joseph Bowers the Elder. GoUatedfrom Urvpublished Papers of the Late John P. Squibob. By J. Bowers, Jr. Vallecitos : Hyde & SeeHm, 1854. Many of your readers will doubtless remember to have been occasionally mystified, when, struck by the remarkable beauty of some passing female stranger, or by the flashes of wit sparkling from the lips of some gentlemanly unknown, on making the inquiry, " Who is that ? " the reply has been given, ' Oh that is one of old Joe Bowers' girls," or boys, as the case may have been ; and they will also remember that when about to propound the naturally succeeding question, " Who is Old Joe Bowers ? " they have been deterred from so doing, by a peculiar smile, and an indefinable glance of the eye, ap- proximating to what is vulgarly termed a wink, on the part of their informant. REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 221 Such persons, and indeed all who seek to improve their minds by indulging a wholesome curiosity as to the private history of the good and great of earth, will be glad to hear that this (question of " Who is Joseph Bowers ? " is about to be definitely answered. , Through the kindness of Messrs. Hyde and Seekim of Val- lecitos, we have been permitted to glance over the proof-sheets of their forthcoming work, the title of which is given above, and to make therefrom such selections as we may deem suf- ficient to interest the public in promoting the filial design of the younger Bowers, to transmit the name and virtues of his honored sire to posterity. Joseph Bowers the elder (or as he is familiarly known, " Old Joe Bowers "), we learn from this history, was born in Tpsilanti, Washtenaw county, Michigan, on the first day of April, 1776, of "poor but honest parents." His father, during the troubles of the revolutionary struggle, was en- gaged in business as a malefactor in western New York, from which part of the country he .was compelled to emigrate, by the prejudices and annoyances of the bigoted settlers among whom he had for many years conducted his operations. Emi- grating suddenly, in fact " with such precipitation," says the narrator, " that my grandfather took nothing with him of his large property, but a single shirt, which he happened to have about him at the time he formed his resolution," he found himself after a journey of several days, of vicissitude and suf- fering, upon the summit of a hill overlooking a beautiful val- ley in the fertile State of Michigan. Struck by the beauty 222 REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. of the surrounding scenery, he leaped from the ground in his enthusiasm, and cracking his heels twice together while in the air (" by which " says the narrator, with much naivete, " my grandfather didn't mean anything, it was just a way he'd got "), he uttered the stirring cry of " Yip ! — silanti I " from which memorable circumstance the place thereafter took its name. Here he finally settled, and marrying afterward a young lady whom the author somewhat obscurely speaks of as " one of 'em," had issue, the subject of this narrative, and finally ended his career of usefulness, by falling from a cart in which he had been standing, addressing a numerous audi- ence, and in which fall he unfortunately broke his neck. Our limits will not permit us at present to do more than glance hastily over the stirring incidents in the life of the elder Bowers. He appears to have been connected in some way with almost every prominent event of the times in which he lived. We find him a servant and afterwards a confiden- tial friend and adviser of Gen. Cass ; consulted on matters of religion by Gen. Jackson ; an admirer of one of Col. Dick Johnson's daughters (by the way it was Bowers who slew Tecumseh !), an ardent admirer and intimate friend of Mr. Tyler; Gen. Pillow's military adviser; special messenger from Mr. Polk to Santa Anna ; professional adviser of Mr. Corwin in the matter of the Gardner Claim ; the first to nominate Mr. Pierce for the Presidency, and after his arri- val in California, the agent of Limantour ; friend and Secre- tary of Pio Pico ; adviser of Walker ; amanuensis for Peck ; owner of a great part of the extended Water Front of San REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 223 Francisco, and a partner in a celebrated Candy Manufactory on Long Wharf, with a Branch in Washington street. His literary labors and success have been great ; few of your readers but have seen his signature (Anon.) in Newspapers, Magazines, the New Header and First Class Books ; he has edited several of our City papers, and we add it in a whis- per, is The author of Idealina. We may hereafter revert to these incidents in his event- ful life ; at present, as we before remarked, our limits forbid our enlarging upon them, as we wish to make room for a few extracts from the work, which, exhibiting the great man's manner of thought and expression, will do more toward giv- ing our readers an insight into his character, than would pages of his biography, — ^we quote from p. 45, vol. 1 : " My father had been much annoyed by reading' certain let- ters from New York to the Alta Oalifornia, signed ' V.' The plagiarisms and egotistic remarks of which they were made up disgusted him. They remind me, he said — expectorating upon the carpet, a habit he had when much offended — of the back of a lady's dress ; they are all hooks and I's. I ventured to ask him, why he did not reply to them ? Sir, said he, making a beautiful adaptation that I have never heard equalled, ' Where impudence is wit, ''tis folly to reply .'"' Comment is unnecessary ; let us proceed, p. 47, vol. 1. " On arriving at Nevada, we unsaddled and turned out our horses, and taking our saddles and blankets beneath our arms, re- 224 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. paired to the Inn. My father was exceedingly fatigued by the joumey, and hastened to throw himself into the first chair that offered. As he did so, I thoughtlessly drew the chair from under him, and much to my sorrow and chagrin he fell with great vio- lence upon the floor. The shock with which he came down dis- composed him not a little, and a paper of pump tacks which had fallen from the table and scattered over the floor exactly where he was seated, materially increased his uneasiness. " I shall not soon forget his indignant reproof. ' Joseph, my son,' said he, 'never, never again attempt a practical joke; it is a false, unfeeling, traitorous amusement. Remember, sir,' said he, as he painfully rose, and reached to the table for a small claw hammer to draw the tacks, ' remember the fate of the first prac- tical joker and profit thereby ; ' I ventured humbly to ask him who this was ; ' Judas Iscariot,' he replied with bitterness, ' he sold his master, and yon know well what came of it.' I was overpowered with remorse." This is very affecting. On p. 49, we find the following : " We were much disturbed during the night by the hoarse braying of a donkey in the stable-yard. I remarked to my father that he (the donkey) was suffering with a bronchial complaint ; and on his inquiring why, replied, that he had an ass-ma, subse- quently explaining the intended play upon the word asthma. Upon comprehending with some difficulty my meaning, my father immediately rose, and taking his blanket, in indignant silence left the room and the house, passing the night, as I afterwards learned, in angry meditation beneath a tree in the Plaza." Very properly we think. The following is rather amusing, p. 108, vol. 1: " After his second interview with Senator Peck, I endeavored to learn from my father the result of his proposal. ' Peck talks REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 225 a great deal,' said he, ' but it ia very difflonlt to tell what he is going to do ; or to what dde he belonga. In fact I begin to be- lieve he is all talk and no cider P " Precisely the opinion expressed by a number of others. Turning back to page 82, vol. 1, we find the following: " I turned to my father and asked him why it was that women were so frequently robbed by pick-pockets, in public carriages ; 'they must,' I observed, ' be conscious that the rogues are feeling about them.' 'Yes,' he replied, 'but ' a feUow feeling makes them wondrous kind.' ' I was struck by the force of this re- mark." Probably. Thus much for young Joe. On taking up the second volume, we find it mainly filled with incidents in the life of the elder Bowers, from the pen of the lamented J. P. Squibob, who, it appears, during his life, contemplated getting up, himself, the work which young Bowers has completed. We make a few extracts in which the style of the lamented S. will be readily recognized. •"'No man,' said Bowers, sententiously, 'should indulge ia more than one bad habit at a time. If I am a drunkard, it is no reason why I should ruin my character by gambling or licentious- ness ; or, if I love the ladies inordinately,' and here the old fel- low looked indescribably waggish, 'why should I add to the enormity by indulging also in cards and liquor ? No,' added he, ' one bad habit is enough for any man to indulge in.' " " ' And why, Mr. Bowers,' said Jones, ' have you given up smoking ? ' "'Because I ehews,^ replied the old fellow, with a quiet chuckle, ' and therein I carry out my principle." 10* 226 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. " Jones pondered a minute, but he couldn't ' see it,' and shak- ing his head musingly, he slowly dispersed." — p. 19. Mr. Bowers mentioned to me as deserving the commisera- tion of the charitable and benevolent, the distressing case of a journeyman shoemaker who had lost his liiMe awl. — ^p. 31, vol. 2. The following smacks, to us, slightly of " Jeems : " " It was on a lovely morning in the sweet spring time, when ' two horsemen might have been seen ' slowly descending one of the gentle acclivities that environ the picturesque village of San Diego. It was a bright and a sunny day, and the shrubbery and trees around were alive with the harmonious warbling of the feathered songsters of the grove. ' And oh ! ' sighed the younger of the twain, ' would that my existence might be like that of these fair birds — one constant, unwearying dream of love.' ' Aye,' responded the elder, a man of years and of experience, known to the readers of this history as Joseph Bowers the elder, ' Aye, my brave youth, they are iadeed a happy race, and the spring is to them their happiest season, for they are now engaged in pairing.' "'And where, my father,' inquired the curious youth, 'do they go to pair ? ' " ' Up into the pear-trees, probably,^ rejoined old Joe, with a quaint smile. " The son, with the air of one who has acquired a curious and useful piece of information, rode quietly on, and the silence that ensued was unbroken, but by his asking his parent for the tobacco, until they arrived at the village." — p. 47. Young Bowers was reading to the author of his existence, some passages from Lickspittle's life of G-eneral Pierce, of whom (the general, not the author) old Joe is a great admirer. REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 227 On arriving at that affecting anecdote of the liberality of the General in bestowing a cent upon a forlorn boy to enable him to purchase candy like his playmates, Bowers commanded his offspring to pause. Young Joe reverently obeyed. " 'The General,' said Joseph dogmatically, ' should never have mentioned that circumstance, never." " ' And why, my father? ' asked his son. " ' Because,' replied the philosopher, ' Silence gives a cent, or I've read my Bible to very little purpose.' • " And acknowledging the apphcation of Scripture by a con- curring nod, young Joe resumed his literary labors, and his father the pipe, which he had withdrawn for the enunciation of his sentiments." — p. 81, vol. 2. With the following exquisite morgeau from the pen of old Joe Bowers himself, it being the commencement of a tale, which concludes the book, we must conclude our extracts. The tale is entitled " The Dun Filly of Arkansas, or Thereby Hangs a Tail." " Many a long year ago, when the ' Child's Own Book ' was all true — when fairies peopled every moonlit glen, and animals enjoyed the power of conversation, in a sequestered dell, beneath the shadow of a mighty oak, upon a carpet of the springiest and most verdant moss, disported a noble horse of Arabian blood, and his snow- whits bride,' The Lily of the Prairie.' " ' And oh I my noble lover,' said the Lily, as in playful ten- derness she seized and shook between her teeth, a lock of his coal- black mane, 'may I indeed believe thy vows ? Hast thou forgot- ten for aye, the dun filly of Arkansas? And wilt thou ever, ever be faithless to me again ?' " ' Nay, dearest,' he replied. " And she neighed." 228 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. From these extracts, the reader will get an idea of the nature of the forthcoming work, which we trust will find a place on their centre-tables, in their libraries and reading- rooms. We subjoin a few notices from the southern press, handed us by Mr. Bowers ; the marks in the margin of each having been made with a pencil, probably by himself : "The most elegant book of the season — with greater attrac- tions for the eye of taste and the enlightened mind than any other." — Valleoitoa Sentinel. $1,26, pd. " These volumes will have a permanent and increasing- value, and will adorn the libraries and centre-tables of American fami- lies 33 long as American literature continues to be read." — San Isabel Vaquero. $3 pd.for two insertions, and another notice for two iottles of wMshey." — J. B. " This superb and elegant affair is the book of the season un- questionably. — Fenasquitas Picwon. 4=s. two drinhs, and invited Mm to dinner." — J. B. " The typography of these volumes is all that could be de- sired. Nothing superior to it has been issued from the American Press. Bowers will be among American classics, what Goldsmith is among those of Fatherland. It is an elegant edition of the works of our foremost writer in the telles lettres department of literature." — Soledad Filibuster. $5, drinh, string of fish, and half-pig when I Mil. — J. B. PH(ENIX AT BBNICIA. Beniou, Gal., 10th Jane, 1355. I OBSERVED your pathetic inquiry as to my whereabouts. I'm all right, sir. I have been vegetating for two or three weeks in this sweet (scented) place, enjoying myself, after a manner, in " a tranquil cot, in a pleasant spot, with a distant view of the changing sea." Howbeit, Benicia is not a Paradise. In- deed, I am inclined to think that had Adam and Eve been originally placed here, the human race would never have been propagated. It is my impression that the heat, and the wind, and some other little Benician accidents, would have been too much for them. It would have puzzled them, moreover, to disobey their instructions ; for there is no Tree of Knowledge, or any other kind Ln Benicia ; but if they had managed this, what, in the absence of fig-leaves, would they have done for clothing ? Maybe tul6 would have answered the purpose — there's plenty of that. I remarked to my old friend. Miss Wiggins, the other day, in a conversation on Benicia, its ad- vantages and its drawbacks, that there was not much society 230 PHCENIX AT BENICIA. here. " Wal," replied the old lady, " thar's two, the Meth- odists and Mr. Woodbridge's, but I don't belong to nuther." " I don't either," said I, and the conversation terminated. I hardly know what to write to you ; I remind myself of the old Methodist Elder, way down on the French Broad, in Tennessee, who was unexpectedly called upon to address a Camp-Meeting. He slowly rose and ejaculated, " Brutherin," — here an idea struck him — "Brutherin," said he, " the term Brutherin arose from an old custom of the Apostles, who used to go up to the tabernacle and breathe therein I Hence the term, Brutherin. But my brutherin," he went on, " I'm not a going to take my text from any particular part of the Bible -to-night. I'll tell you,'' said he, with a pleasant smile, as he warmed to his work, " I'll tell you all about old brother Paul — who went down to Corinth and got into an all-fired scrape — and was knocked down — and drug out — and left thar for dead — all of which is written by Hellicar- nassus, up the Archipelago — bless-ed be the Lord!" Now, like this " ancient worthy," who by the way went on and made a very effective speech of it, I'm not going to take my text from any thing in particular, but I will commence this rambling epistle by an anecdote of " old Brother " Tush- maker, which I think extremely probable has never yet been published. Dr. Tushmaker was never regularly bred as a physician, or surgeon, but he possessed naturally a strong mechanical -genius and a fine appetite ; and finding his teeth of great ser- vice in gratifying the latter propensity, he concluded that he PHCENIX AT BENICIA. 231 oould do more good in the world and create more real happi- ness therein by putting the teeth of its inhabitants in good order, than in any other way ; so Tushmaker became a den- tist. He was the man that first invented the method of placing small cog-wheels in the back teeth for the more per- fect mastication of food, and he claimed to be the original discoverer of that method of filling cavities with a kind of putty, which, becoming hard directly, causes the tooth to ache so grievously that it has to be pulled, thereby giving the dentist two successive fees for the same job. Tushmaker was one day seated in his office, in the city of Boston, Mas- sachusetts, when a stout old fellow named Byles presented him- self to have a back tooth drawn. The dentist 'seated his patient in the chair of torture, and opening his mouth, dis- covered there an enormous tooth, on the right-hand side, about as large, as he afterwards expressed it, " as a small Polyglot Bible." I shall have trouble with this tooth, thought Tushmaker, but he clapped on his heaviest forceps, and pulled. It didn't come. Then he tried the turn-screw, exerting his utmost strength, but the tooth wouldn't stir. " G-o away from here," said Tushmaker to Byles, " and return in a week, and I'll draw that tooth for you, or know the rea- son why." Byles got up, clapped a handkerchief to his jaw, and put forth. Then the dentist went to work, and in three days he invented an instrument which he was confident would pull any thing. It was a combination of the lever, pulley, wheel and axle, inclined plane, wedge and screw. The cast- ings were made, and the machine put up in the office, over an 232 PHCBNIX AT BENICIA. iron chair, rendered perfectly stationary by iron rods going down into the foundations of the granite building. In a week old Byles returned ; he was clamped into the iron chair, the forceps connected with the machine attached firmly to the tooth, and Tushmaker stationing himself in the rear, took hold of a lever four feet in length. He turned it slightly Old Byles gave a groan, and lifted his right leg. Another turn ; another groan, and up went the leg again. " What do you raise your leg for ? " asked the doctor. " I can't help it," said the patient. " Well," rejoined Tushmaker, " that tooth is bound to come now." He turned the lever clear round, with a sudden jerk, and snapped old Byles' head clean and clear from his shoulders, leaving a space of four inches between the severed parts ! They had a post mortem exam- ination — the roots of the tooth were found extending down the right side, through the right leg, and turning up in two prongs under the sole of the right foot ! " No wonder," said Tushmaker, " he raised his right leg." The jury thought so too, but they found the roots much decayed, and five surgeons swearing that mortification would have ensued in a few months, Tushmaker was cleared on a verdict of "justifiable homicide." He was a little shy of that instrument for some time afterward ; but one day an old lady, feeble and flaccid, came in to have a tooth drawn, and thinking it would come out very easy, Tushmaker concluded, just by way of variety, to try the machine. He did so, and at the first turn drew the old lady's skeleton completely and entirely from her body, leaving her a mass of quivering jelly in her chair ! Tush- PHCENIX AT BENIOIA. 233 maker took her home in a pillow-case. She lived seven years after that, and they called her the " India- Kubber Woman."' She had suffered terribly with the rheumatism, but after this occurrence never had a pain in her bones. The dentist kept them in a glass case. After this, the machine was sold to the contractor of the Boston Custom-House, and it was found that a child of three years of age could, by a single turn of the screw, raise a stone weighing twenty-three tons. Smaller ones were made, on the same principle, and sold to the keepers of hotels and restaurants. They were used for boning tur- keys. There is no moral to this story whatever, and it is possible that the circumstances may have become slightly exaggerated. Of course, there can be no doubt of the truth of the main incidents. The following maritime anecdote was related to me by a small man in a pea-jacket and sou'-wester hat, who had salt standing in crusts all over his face. When I asked him if it were true, he replied, " The jib-sheet's a rope, and the helm's a tiller.'' I guess it's all right. Many years ago, on a stormy and inclement evening, " in the bleak December," old Miss Tarbox, accompanied by her niece, Mary Ann Stackpole, sailed from Holmes's Hole to Cotuit, in the topsail schooner Two Susans, Captain Black- ler. " The rains descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon " that schooner, and great was the tossing and pitching thereof; while Captain Blaokler, and his hardy crew, " kept her to it," and old Miss Tarbox and her niece rolled about in their uncomfortable bunks, wishing 234 PHCENIX AT BBNICU. themselves back in Holmes's Hole, or any other hole, on the dry land. The shouts of Captain Blaokler as he trod the deck, conveying orders for " tacking ship," were distinctly audible to the aflBicted females below ; and " Oh ! " groaned old Miss Tarbox, during a tranquil interval of her internal economy, as for the fifteenth time the schooner " went in stays," " what a drefful time them pore creeturs of sailors is a having on't. Just listen to Jim Blackler, Mary Ann, and hear how he is ordering about that pore fellow, Hardy Lee. I've heerd that creetur hoUered for twenty times this blessed night, if I have onst." " Yes," replied the wretched Mary Ann, as she gave a fearful retch to starboard, " but he ain't no worse off than poor Tav/psle Hall — ^he seems to ketch it as bad as Hardy." " I wonder who they be," mused old Miss Tarbox ; " I knowed a Miss Hall, that lived at Seekonk Pint oncet — mebbe it's her son." A tremendous sea taking the " Two Susans " on her quarter at this instant, put a stop to the old lady's cogitations ; but they had an awful night of it — and still above the roaring of the wind, the whistling and clashing of the shrouds, the dash of the sea, and the tramp of the sailors, was heard the voice of stout Captain Blackler, as he shouted, " Stations ! Hard a lee ! ^qp'sle haul ! Let go and haul," — and the " Two Susans " went about. And, as old Miss Tarbox remarked years afterward, when she and Mary Ann had discovered their mistake, and laughed thereat, " Anybody that's never been to sea, won't see no pint to this story." Circumstances over which I have no control, will soon FHOINIX AT BENICIA. 235 call me to a residence in Washington Territory, a beautiful and fertile field of usefulness, named for the " Father of his Country," who, I am led to understand, was " first in peace, first in war, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." As the Kentuckian remarked, " I may be heered on again, but I stand about as much chance as a bar going to — — the in- fernal regions (not to put too fine a point on it) without any claws." Before I go, however, I will endeavor to give you a little history of the rise, progress and decline of " My San Diego Lawsuit," which I think you and your readers will find curious, if not amusing. Adieu. P. S. — ^You think this a stupid letter, perhaps ? Think of my surroundings, young man ! 'Tis not often you get a good thing out of Nazareth. Oh, Benicia, Benicia, " don't you cry for me," for I positively assure you, the feeling will not be reciprocated. LECTURES ON ASTEONOMY. CORRESPONDENCE. San Fsakciboo, Oct 10, 1854. - To Peofessok John Phcbnix, Esq., San Diego Observatory. Dear Sir : — ^Perceiving by perusal of your interesting article on Astro- nomy, that you have an organ which it is presumed you would like to dis- pose of, I am instructed by the vestiy of the meeting-house on street, to enter into a negotiation with you for its purchase. Please state by re- turn of mail, whether or no the organ is for sale ; if so, the price, and if it is in good repair, and plays serious tones. Very truly yours, A. S1.EEK SnGGms, Ruling Elder and Agent for the sale of Stiggins' Elder Blow Tea. Pkof. Phcenix has the honor to acknowledge the receipt of Mr. Stiggins' polite communication, and regrets to in- form him that the organ alluded to has been disposed of to a member of the Turn-verein Association. Owing to some "fatidty or crookedness of mind" on the part of the manu- facturer, the organ never could be made to play but one LECTiniES ON ASTRONOMY. 237 tune, " The Low Backed Car," which Prof. Phoenix con- siders a most sad and plaintiye melody, calculated to fill the mind with serious and melancholy emotions. Prof. P. takes occasion to inform Mr. S., that he has a bass trombone in his possession, ivhich, with a double convex lens fitted in the mouth-piece, he has used in his observations on the stars. This instrument will be for sale at the conclusion of this course of lectures, and if adapted to Mr. Stiggins' purpose, is very much at his service. LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY— PART H. This planet may be easily recognized by its bright, ruddy appearance, and its steady light. It resembles in size and color the stars Arcturus, in Bootes, and Antares, in Scorpio ; but, as it is not like them, continually winking, we may con- sider it, in some respects, a body of superior gravity. Our readers will be pleased to learn that Mars is an oblate spheroid, with a diameter of 4,222 miles. It is seven times smaller than the Earth ; its day is forty-four minutes longer than ours, and its year is equal to twenty-two and a half of our months. It receives from the sun only one half as much light and heat as the Earth, and has no moon ; which, in some respects, may be considered a blessing, as the poets of Mars cannot be eternally writing sonnetg on that subject. 238 LECTURES ON ASTEONOMY. Mare takes its name from the God of War, who was con- sidered the patron of soldiers, usually termed sons of Mars, though it was well remarked by some philosopher, that they are generally sons of pa's also. Macauley, however, in his severe review of " Hanson's Life of the E.ev. Eleazer Wil- liams," remarks with great originality, that " It is a wise child that knows its own father." Mars is also the tutelary divinity of Fillibusters, and we are informed by several of the late troops of the late Presi- dent William Walker, that this planet was of great use in guiding that potentate during his late nocturnal rambles through the late Eepublic of Sonora. The ruddy appearance of Mars is not attributed to his former bad habits, but to the great height of his atmosphere, which must be very favorable to the aeronauts of that region, where, doubtless, ballooning is the principal method of locomotion. Upon the whole, Mars is but a cold and ill-conditioned planet, and if, as some persons believe, the souls of deceased soldiers are sent thither, there can be little inducement to die in service, un- less, indeed, larger supplies of commissary whiskey and to- bacco are to be found there than the present telescopic ob- servations would lead us to believe. This magnificent planet is the largest body, excepting the Sun, in the Solar System. " It may be readily dis- tinguished from the fixed stars by its peculiar splendor and magnitude, appearing to the unclothed eye, almost as re- LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 239 splendent as Venus, although it is more than seven times her distance from the Sun." Its day is but nine hours, fifty- five minutes and fifty seconds ; but it has rather a lengthy year, equivalent to nearly twelve years of our time. It is about thirteen hundred times larger than the Earth. In consequence of the rapid movement of Jupiter upon his axis, his form is'^that of an oblate spheroid, very consider- ably flattened at its poles, and the immense centrifugal force resulting from this movement (26,554 miles per hour), would, undoubtedly, have long since caused him to fly asunder, were it not for a wise provision of nature, which has caused enormous belts or hoops, to encircle his entire surface. These hoops, usually termed belts, are plainly visible through the telescope. They are eight in number, and are supposed to be made of gutta percha, with an outer edge of No. 1 boiler iron. Owing to the great distance of Jupiter from the Sun, he receives but one twenty-seventh part of the light and heat that we do from that body. To preserve the great balance of Nature, it is therefore probable, that the whales of Jupiter are twenty-seven times larger than ours, and that twenty-seven times as much cord-wood is cut on that planet as on the Earth. The axis of Jupiter is perpendicular to the plane of its orbit ; hence its climate has no variation of seasons in the same latitude. It has four moons, three of which may be readily discerned with an ordinary spy-glass. By observa- tion on the eclipses of these satellites, the velocity of light 240 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. has been measured, and we find that light is precisely eight minutes and thirteen seconds in coming to us from the Sun. According to the poet, " the light of other days " has a con- siderably slow motion. Jupiter, in the Heathen Mythology, was the King of the Gods. As there can be no doubt that, with the progress of time, advancement in liberal ideas, and a knowledge of the immortal principles of democracy, has obtained among these divinities, it is probable that he has long since been deposed, and his kingdom converted iijto a republic, over whose destinies, according to the well-known principles of availability, some one-eyed Cyclops, unknown to fame, has probably been elected to preside. His repre- sentative will, however, always remain King of the Planets, while such things as kings exist ; after which he will become their undisputed president. Jupiter is the patron of Mon- archs. Presidents and Senators. It is doubtful, however, whether he pays much attention to State Senators, or even continues his patronage to him of the Congressional body who fails to be re-elected, although bent on being notorious, he may continue to vociferate that he " knows a hawk from a hand-saw," and was "not educated at West Pint." Whoever, during the present year, has had his attention attracted by that beautiful group, the Pleiades, or Seven Stars, may have noticed near them, in the constellation Taurus, a star apparently of the first magnitude, shining with a peculiarly white light, and beaming down with a gentle, LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 241 steady radiance Tipon the Earth. This is the beautiful planet Saturn, which, moving slowly at the rate of two minutes daily among the stars, may be readily traced from one constellation to another. Saturn is nearly nine hundred millions of miles from the Sun. His volume is eleven hundred times that of the Earth ; and while his year is equivalent to twenty-nine and a half of ours, his day is shorter by more than one-half. Eeceiving but one-nineteenth part of the light from the Sun that we do, it follows that the inhabitants of Saturn are not equally enlightened with us ; and supposing them to be phys- ically constituted as we are, stoves and cooking ranges un- doubtedly go off at a ready sale and pretty high figure among them. Saturn differs from all the other planets, in being surrounded by three rings, consecutive to each other, which shine by reflection from the Sun, with superior brilliancy to the planet itself. It is also attended by eight satellites. Many theories have been started to account for the rings of Saturn, but none of them are satisfactory. Our own opinion is that this planet was originally diversified, like the Earth, with continents of land and vast oceans of water. By the rapid motion of the planet upon its axis, the oceans were col- lected near the equatorial regions, whence by the immense centrifugal force, they were subsequently thrown clear from the surface, and remained revolving about the denser body, at that distance where the centrifugal force and the attraction of gravitation, from the other planets, were in equilibrio. The ships floating on the surface of the waters at the time of this great convulsion, of course, went with them, and it is 11 242 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. a most painful reflection to the humane mind, that their crews have undoubtedly long since perished, after maintaining for a while their miserably isolated existence on a precarious supply offish. It is a curious and interesting fact, much dwelt on in popular treatises on Astronomy, that were a cannon ball fired from the Earth to Saturn, it would be one hundred and eighty years in getting there. The only useful deduction that we are able to make from this fact, however, is, that the inhabitants of Saturn, if warned of their danger by the sight of the flash or the sound of the explosion, would have ample opportunity in the course of the one hundred and eighty years, to dodge the shot 1 Saturn was the father of all the Heathen Diviaities, and we regret to say, was a most disreputable character. It will hardly be credited that he had a revolting habit of devouring his children shortly after their birth, and it was only by a pious deception of his wife, who furnished him with dogs, sheep, buffalo, and the like, on these occasions, with assur- ances that they were his offspring, that Jupiter and his brothers were preserved from their impending fate. A per- son of such a disposition could never be tolerated in a civi- lized community, and there is little doubt that if Saturn were a resident of the Earth at the present time, and should per- sist in his unpileasant practices, he would speedily be arrested and held to bail in a large amount. LECTriRES ON ASTRONOMY. 243 We know little of this planet, except that with its six moons, it was discovered by Dr. Herschel, a native of the island of England (situated on the north-west coast of Europe), in 1781. It was named by him the " Greorgium Sidus," as a tribute of respect to a miserable, blind, old lunatic, who at that time happened to be king of the Island. Overlooking the sycophancy of the man, in their admiration for the services of the Astronomer, his philosophical contem- poraries re-named the planet, Herschel, by which title it is still known. An attempt made by the courtiers of the Eng- lish king to call it Uranus (a Latin expression, meaning " You reign over us"), happily failed to succeed. Herschel is supposed to be about eighty times larger than the Earth, and to have a period of revolution of about eighty-four years, but its diurnal motion has not yet been discovered. Was discovered by a French gentleman, named Le Ver- rier, in 1846. It is supposed to be about forty thousand miles in diameter, and to have a period of one hundred and sixty- four years. But of this planet, and another still more re- mote from the Sun, lately discovered (to which the literati and savans of Europe propose to give the name of Squibob, a Hebrew word signifying, " There you go with your eye out "), we know little from actual observation. That they exist, there can be no doubt, and it is possible, to use the ex- 244 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. pressive language of n modern philosopher, " There are a few more of the same sort left " beyond them. Neptune is the God of the Sea, an unpleasant element, full of disagreeable fish, horrible sea-lions, and equivocal ser- pents, the reflection on which, or some other reasons, gener- ally makes every one sick who ventures upon it. He mar- ried a Miss Amphitrite, who, unlike sailors' wives in general, usually accompanies her husband on all his voyages. Nep- tune is the tutelar deity of seamen, who generally allude to him as " Davy Jones," and speak of the ocean as his " lock- er " (a locker indeed, in which untold thousands of their worn-out bones are bleaching), and on crossing the Equinoc- tial line, it was formerly the custom among them to perform certain rites in his honor, which pagan ceremonial has gradu- ally passed out of date. THE ASTEROIDS. These are ten small planets, revolving about the Sun in different orbits, situated between those of Mars and Jupiter. They can seldom be seen without a powerful telescope ; and are of no great importance when you see them. Our friend, Dr. Olbers, who paid much attention to these little bodies, is of the opinion that they are fragments of a large celestial sphere, which formerly revolved between Mars and Jupiter, and which, by some mighty internal convulsion, burst into pieces. With this opinion we coincide. What caused the explosion, how many lives were lost, and whether blame could be attached to any one on account of it, are circum- LEOTUEES ON ASTRONOMY. 245 stances that -we shall probably remain in as profound igno- rance of as the unfortunate inhabitants of the planet found themselves after the occurrence. What purpose the Aster- oids now serve in the great economy of the Universe, it is impossible to ascertain ; it may be that they are reserved as receptacles for the departed souls of ruined merchants and broken brokers. As the Spaniard profoundly remarks, "QuienSahe?" CHAPTEE II. OF THE FIXED STAKS. For convenience of description, Astronomers have di- vided the entire surface of the Heavens into numerous small tracts, called constellations, to which have been given names, resulting from some real or fancied resemblance in the ar- rangement of the stars composing them, to the objects in- dicated. This resemblance is seldom very striking, but nomenclature is arbitrary, and it is perhaps quite as well to call a collection of stars that don't look at all like a scorpion, " The Scorpion," as to name an insignificant village, with two or three hundred inhabitants, a tavern, no church, and twenty-seven grog shops. Borne, or Carthage. We once knew a couple of honest people, who named their eldest child (a singularly pug-nosed little girl), Madonna, Ma- donna Smith — and that infant grew up and did well, and was lately married to a highly respectable young butcher. A zone 16° in breadth, extending quite around the Heavens, 8° on each side of the Ecliptic, is called Zodiac. 246 LECTUKES ON ASTRONOMY. This zone is divided into twelve equal parts or constella- tions, which are sometimes called the Signs of the Zodiac. The following are the names of these constellations, in their regu- lar order, and the number of visible stars contained in each ■ 1. Aries . . . The BydrauUa Ram, 66 2. Taurus . 8. Gemini , 4. Cancer 5. Leo 6. Virgo 7. Libra . 8. Scorpio . 9. Sagittarius . 10. Capricornus 11. Aquarius 12. Pisces 2%e Inah Bull, 141 The Sia/meae Twma 85 The Soft Shdled Orab, 88 T!ie Dandy Lion, .... .96 The Virago, 110 The Hay Scales 61 The N. Y. Eerald ...... 44 The Sparrow, 69 The BUhop, 61 The Decanter, 108 The Sardines, T8 To discover the position of these several constellations it is merely nesessary to have a starting point. On looking at the Heavens during the month of April, and considering the stars therein intently, the observer will at length find six bright stars arranged exactly in the form of a sickle. A very bright star is at the extremity of the handle. This is the star Regulus in the constellation Leo. Then some 30° further to the east, he will observe a very brilliant star, with no visible stars near it. This is Spica in the Virgin. Still further east, rises Libra, distinguished by two rather bright stars forming a parallelogram, with two rather dim ones, followed by Scorpio, whose stars resemble in their ar- rangement a kite, with a tail to it, and in which a brilliant red star, named Antares, forms the centre. Then Sagit- LECTURES ON ASTKONOMY. 247 tarius and Capricornus separately span 30° ; when rises Aquarius, in which the most careless observer will notice four stars, forming very plainly, the letter Y. Pisces, a loose straggling succession of stars, intervenes between this sign and that of Aries, which may be distinguished by two bright stars, about 4° apart, the brightest, to the N. E. of the other. Taurus cannot be mistaken — it contains two re- markable clusters, the Pleiades and the Hyades ; the latter forming a well-marked letter V. with the bright red star Aldebaran at the upper left-hand corner. Gemini contains two remarkably bright stars, Castor and Pollux ; — ^the for- mer much the most brilliant and the more northerly of the pair ; they are but 5° apart. Then follows 30° including Cancer, which contains no remarkably brilliant stars, and we return to our starting point. In the month of September, we would select as a starting point the star Antares, giving us the position of the Scorpion. Antares is of a remarkably red appearance, situated between, and equi-distant from, two other less brilliant stars with which it forms a curved line, which, extended by other stars, curve around at its ex- tremity like the tail of a flying kite, or if you please, like the tail of a scorpion. The fixed stars are classed according to their magnitude, first, second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. ; the stars of the fifth magnitude being the smallest that can be seen by the un- asMSted eye. It is by no means our intention, in this course of lectures, to convey a complete, and thorough knowledge of Uranography (we assure you, madam, that this word is 248 LEOTUB.ES ON ASTRONOMY. in the Dictionary) ; however great our ability or inclination, the limits prescribed us will not permit of it we shall, there- fore, confine ourselves to a brief description of the principal constellations, trusting that the interest awakened in the minds of our numerous readers on the subject, by our re- marks, may lead them to make it a study hereafter. For this purpose we would recommend as a suitable preparation a light course of reading, such, for instance, as " Church's Deferential and Integral Calculus," to be followed by " Bartlett's Optics,'' and Gummer's Elements of Astro- nomy." After this, by close and unremitting study of La Place, and other eminent writers, for twenty or thirty years, the reader, if of good natural ability, may acquire a super- ficial knowledge of the science. " The Great Bear " (which is spelled — ^Bear — and has no reference whatever to Powers' Greek Slave) is one of the most remarkable constellations in the Heavens. We cannot imagine why it received its name, unless indeed, because it has not the slightest resemblance to a great Bear, or any other animal. It may be distinguished by means of a clus- ter of seven brilliant stars, arranged in the form of a dipper (not a duch, but a tin dipper). Of these, the two, forming the side of the dipper, furthest from the handle, are named, the lower Merak, the upper Dubhe^ and are called the Pointers, from the fact, that in whatever position the con- stellation is observed, a line passing through these two stars and continued in the direction of Dvhhe for 28° passes through Cynosura, the North or pole star. To this re- LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 249 markable star — it was discovered some years since — a mag- netic needle will constantly point, a discovery which has done more for commerce, made more sailors and caused more fatigue to the legs of the author, than any other under heaven, Colt's pistols not excepted. It must not be under- stood that the needle points to the pole star, because the star possesses any particular attraction for it. Currents of electricity passing constantly from W. to E. about the earth, cause the needle to point N. and S., and it is merely in con- sequence of the star Cynosura lying exactly in the N., that it appears directed toward it. Immediately opposite to the Great Bear, beyond Cynosura, we observe the constellation Cassiopeia, which, instead of representing as it should, a re- spectable looking old woman sitting on a throne, takes the appearance of a chair, which, constantly revolving about the North star, is thrown into as many different positions as the chair used by the celebrated " India-rubber man," in his wonderful feats of dexterity. Near Cassiopeia, but further to the E., we find Andro- meda, which constellation, representing a young lady, chained to a rock, without a particle of clothing, we shall not attempt to point out more definitely. Perseus, near Andromeda, holds in his hand the head of Medusa, a glance from whose eyes turned the gazer into stone, which accounts for the ori- gin of the Stones, a numerous and highly respectable family in the United States. If we prolong the handle of the dip- per some 25°, we observe a brilliant star of the first magni- tude, of a ruddy appearance, called Arcturus ; which many 250 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. years since, a person named Job, was asked if he could guide, and he acknowledged he couldn't do it. The star is in the knee of the Bootes (which is pronounced Bootees ; he was the inventor and wearer of those articles), who, with two greyhounds, Asterion and Chara, is apparently driving the Bear forever around the pole. A beautiful star 30" E. of Arcturus, named Lyra, distinguished by two small stars with which it makes an equilateral triangle, points out the position of the Harp ; immediately beneath which is seen the Swan, distinguished by five stars forming a large and regular cross, the foot of which being turned up, prevents its being noticed, tmless closely examined. The bright star in the head of the cross is Deneb Cygni. Twenty degrees S. E. of Lyra, we observe the brilliant star Altair in the Eagle, equidistant from two other small stars, making with it a slight curve. The beautiful constellation Orion (which takes its name from the founder of the celebrated Irish family of 0'B.yan) may be easily distinguished by its belt, three bright stars, forming a right lin« about 3° in length ; with three smaller stars immediately below (forming an angle with it), which distinguish the handle of the sword. The brilliant star of the first magnitude, in the left shoulder of Orion, is called Betelguese, that in the right shoulder, Bellatrix ; the star in the right knee, is Saiph, that in the left foot, Kigel. Some 20° N. E. of the seven stars, the brilliant star Capella, in the Wagoner, may be recognized by three small stars, form- ing an acute-angled triangle, immediately below it. A very beautiful star, of peculiarly whitish lustre, named Formal- LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 251 haut, forms the eye of the Southern Fish ; it is about 30° S. E. of the Y in Aquarius and cannot be mistaken, as it is the only brilliant star in that part of the Heavens. We have now mentioned most of the principal constellations, but we suspect that the ardent curiosity and love of research of our readers will hardly allow them to rest contented with the meagre information thus conveyed, but that they will hasten to seek in the writings of standard authors, such a knowledge of this interesting subject, as the scope of these lectures wiU not permit us to attempt imparting. They will thus find the truth of Hamlet's statement, " that more things exist in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamed of" in their philosophy. Dragons, Hydras, Serpents and Centaurs, Big Dogs and Lit- tle Dogs, Doves, Coons and Ladies' Hair, will be exhibited to their admiring gaze, and they will also have their atten- tion directed to the remarkable constellation Phoenix (named for an ancestor of the present Johannes, but not in the least resembling him, or the family portraits), to which the modesty of the author has merely permitted him to make this brief allusion. On the subject of Comets, we should have desired to make a lengthy dissertation ; but Professor Silliman in his late efforts to throw light upon it, has decided that these bodies are nothing bftt GrAS ; which sets the matter at rest forever, and renders discussion useless. The lecture now closes, with an exhibition of the " Phan- tasmagoria''' (which is the scientific name of a tin Magic Lantern), showing the various Heavenly Bodies tranquilly revolving round the Sun, perfectly undisturbed by the ex- 252 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. travagant motions of these rampant comets, continually cross- ing their paths in orbits of impossible eccentricity, while the organ, slowly turned by the Professor with one hand (the other imparting motion to the planets), emits in plaintive tones that touching melody the " Low Backed Oar," giving an excruciating and probably correct idea of the " Music of the Spheres," which nobody ever heard, and, therefore, the correctness of the imitation cannot be disputed. This por- tion of the entertainment should be continued as long as pos- sible, as the author has observed, it never fails to give great satisfaction to the audience; any exhibition requiring a darkened room, being a "sure card" of attraction in a com- munity where there are many young people, which accounts for the wonderful success of Banvard's Panorama. Should the Professor's arm become wearied before the audience are entirely satisfied, it is easy to disperse them, by the simple process of shutting down the slide, stopping the organ, and inducing a small boy, by a trifling pecuniary compensation, to hoUa Fire I in the vicinity of the lecture room. The author acknowledges the receipt of " An Astronomi- cal Poem " from a " Young Observer," commencing " Oh, if I had a telescope with fourteen slides," with the modest request that he would " introduce " it in his second lecture ; but the detestable attempt of the " Young Observer" to make "slides" rhyme with "Pleiades" in the second line, and the fearful pun in the thirty-seventh verse, on " the Meteor by moonlight alone," compel him to decline LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 253 the introduction. The manuscript will be returned to the author, on making known his real name, and engaging to destroy it immediately. A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. CHAPTER I. It was evening at the Tehama. The apothecary, whose shop formed the south-eastern comer of that edifice, had lighted his lamps, which, shining through those large glass bottles in the window, filled with red and blue liquors, once supposed by this author, when young and innocent, to be medicine of the most potent description, lit up the faces of the passers-by with an unearthly glare, and exaggerated the general redness and blueness of their noses. Within the office the hands of the octagonal clock, which looked as though it had been thrown against the wall in a moist state and stuck there, pointed to the hour of eight. The apartment was nearly deserted. Frink, " the courteous and gentlemanly manager," and the Major, had gone to the Theatre; having season tick- ets, they felt themselves forced to attend, and never missed a performance. The coal fire in the office stove glowed with a hospitable warmth, emitting a gentle murmur of welcome to A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 255 the expected wayfarers by the Sacramento boats, interrupted only by an occasional deprecatory hiss, when insulted by a stream of tobacco juice. Overcoats hung about the walls, still moist with recent showers ; umbrellas reclined lazily in corners ; spittoons stood about the floor, the whole diffusing that name- less odor so fascinating to the married man, who, cigar in mouth and hot whiskey punch at elbow, sits nightly until twelve o'clock in the enjoyment of it, while the wife of his bosom in their comfortable home on Powell street, wonders at his absence, and unjustly curses the Know Nothings or the Free and Accepted Masonic Fraternity. Behind the office desk, perched on a high, three-legged stool, his head supported by both hands, the youthful but lit- erary John Duncan was deeply engaged in the exciting peru- sal of the last yeUow-covered novel, " Blood for Blood, or the Infatuated Dog." He knew that, in a few moments, eighty- four gentlemen " in hot haste," would call to inquire whether the Member of Congress had returned, and was anxious to find out what the " Robber Chieftain " did with the " Lady Maude Alleyne " before the arrival of the Sacramento boat. The only other occupant of the office, was a short, fleshy gen- tleman with a white hat, dark green coat with brass buttons, drab pantaloons, short punchy little boots and gaiters. These circumstances might be noted as he stood with his back to the door, gazing intently upon one of those elaborate works of art with which the spirited proprietor has lately seen fit to adorn the walls of the Tehama. It represented a lady in a ball dress, seated on the back of a large dray-horse (at 256 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. least eighteen hands high), and holding a parrot on her right forefinger, while at her horse's feet kneeled a man in the stage dress of Merciitio, doing something with five or six other parrots. The piece was called " Hawking," had a fine gilt frame and glass, and in certain lights, answered the pur- pose of a mirror, and was therefore a very pretty object to gaze upon. In fact, the short, stout gentleman was adjusting his shirt collar, which was of prodigious height, and had a per- verse inclination to turn down on one side, by its reflection. As he turned from this employment, he exhibited one of the most curious faces it is possible to conceive. Unlike most fat men, whose little eyes, round, red cheeks, wart-like noses and double chins, convey but little meaning or expression, this gentleman's face was all expression. He wore a con- stant look of the most intense curiosity. Inquisitiveness sat upon every lineament of his countenance. His small, green eyes protruding from his head, surmounted by thin but well- defined and very curvilinear eyebrows, looked like two notes of interrogation ; his nose, though small, was sharp at the end like a gimlet, and his little round mouth was constantly pursed up into an expression of inquiring wonder, as though the most natural sound that could fall from it, should be, " 0-0-0-0 ! come now, do tell." In fact he was one of those beings created by a wise but inscrutable Providence, for no other purpose apparently but " to meddle with other peo- ple's business," and ask questions. His name was Bogle, and w^ith Mrs. Bogle, whom he had married two years before, because, having exhausted all other A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 257 subjects of inquiry in conversation with her, he had finally asked her if she would haye him, and a little Bogle, who had made its appearance some three months since, and already " took notice " with an inquiring air painful to contemplate, he occupied, for the present, "Eoom No, 31." Bogle would have made a fortune in no time, if he had lived in the blessed era when the promise " Ask and ye shall receive " was fulfilled ; and so well was his disposition under- stood by the frequenters of the Tehama, that they invariably left the vicinity when he looked askant at them ; his presence cleared the room as quickly as a stream from a fire engine, or a mad dog could have done it. Brushing some remains of suns' from his snow white vest — Bogle took snuff inordinately — ^he said it sharpened up his faculties — ^he turned upon the hapless Duncan — who had just got the " Lady Maude " into the cave, where the skeleton hand dripped blood from the ceiling — " John, what time is it ? " John looked at the clock with a slight groan, " Eive minutes past eight, Mr. Bogle." " What time will the boat be in ? " " In a few moments, Mr. Bogle." " Will the General come down to-night ? " " I don't know, Mr. Bogle." " How old a man do you take him to be now ? " " Fontaine she screamed ! — that is, I don't know, Mr Bogle." " How much does he weigh ? " " The skeleton ! — indeed, I don't know, sir." 258 A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. The conTersation was here suspended by the sudden arri- val of a stranger. He was a large man, of stern and forbid- ding aspect, exceedingly dark complexion, with long, black hair hanging in unkempt tangles about his shoulders, and with a fierce and uncompromising moustache and beard, blacker than the driven charcoal, completely concealing the lower part of his face. His dress was singular ; a brown hat, brown coat, brown vest, brown neck cloth, brown pantaloons, brown gaiter boots. In his hand he carried a brown carpet bag, and beneath his arm a brown silk umbrella. Hastily he inscribed his name upon the Register, " General Tecumseh Brown, Brownsville," and, for an instant, seemed to fall into a brown study. Bogle was on the qui vive ; he looked over the General's shoulder. " From Sacramento, sir ? " said he. The General gazed at Bogle, sternly, for a moment, and replied, " I am, sir." " I see, sir," said Bogle with a cordial smile, '' you live in Brownsville ; may I inquire if you are in business there ? " The General gazed at Bogle more sternly than before, and shortly answered, ".You may, sir." " Well," said Bogle, " are you?" " Yes, sir," replied General Brown in a stentorion voice, at the same time advancing a step toward his fat little in- quisitor, " I have lately made a fortune there." " Oh ! " said Bogle, nimbly Jumping back as the General advanced, " How ? " "By minding my own business, sir/" thundered the A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 259 General, and turning to Duncan, who had forgotten the "Lady Maude" in the charms of this conversation, said, " Give me my key, sir, and the moment a young inan calls here to inquire for me, send him up to my room." So saying, and grasping the key extended to him. General Brown turned away, and, casting a look of fierce malignity at little Bogle, who tried to conceal his confusion by taking a pinch of snufiF, retired, taking with him as he went, the only brown japanned candlestick that stood among the numerous array of those articles, provided for the Tehama's guests." " Well," said Bogle, " of all the Brown — ^where did you put him, John?" " No. 32," replied that individual, returning to " the cave." " Thirty-two ! " exclaimed Bogle, " Goodness ! Gracious ! why that joins my room, and the partition is as thin as a wafer." CHAPTER n. Up stairs went Bogle, two steps at a time. The door of thirty-two slammed, as he reached the door of his apartment ; it slammed on a brown coat-tail, about half a yard of which remained on the outside ; there was a muttered ejaculation, then a deep growl, and — rip ! went the coat-tail, the frag- ment remaining in the door. " Gracious ! Goodness ! " said Bogle, '' what a passionate man ! he's torn it off I he's like Halley's comet ; no ! that 260 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. never had a tail ! he's like that fox," — and Bogle entered hia apartment. Here sat his interesting wife, rooking their offspring, and instilling into its infant mind the first lesson of practical economy, by singing that popular nursery refrain, " Bny low, Baty ; buy low, buy low.*" " Hush ! " said Bogle, as he entered on tip-toe, and, care- fully closing the door of thirty-one, held up a warning finger to the partner of his joys and sorrows. The lullaby ceased. It is said that all women become like their husbands after a certain time, both in appearance and disposition. Mrs. Bogle, who had been a Miss Artemesia Stackpole before mar- riage (Bogle said she was named for an elder sister, Mesia, who died, and she was called Arter-mesia), certainly did not at all resemble her husband in appearance. She was of the thread-paper order ; one of those gaunt, bony females of no particular age, who always, have two false eye-teeth, and wear brown merino dresses and muslin night-caps with a cotton lace border, in the morning. But in disposition she was his very counterpart. Curious, meddling, inquisitive, fond of gossip and indefatigable in " the pursuit of knowledge under difficulties," she was an invaluable coadjutor to Bogle, whom she had materially assisted many times in obtaining informa- tion, that even his prying nature had failed to accomplish. Eagerly she listened to his tale about the mysterious Brown and his tail, and, like a good and dutiful wife, all quietly she A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 261 nursed the oliye branch, while Bogle, seated in close prox- imity to the partition, listened with eager ear, intent, to the motions of their neighbor. Three times in as many quarters of an hour did that mysterious General ring the bell ; three times came up the waiter ; three times he replied to the General's anxious question, " that no one had called for him," and three times he went down again. After each interview with the waiter. Bogle listening at the partition, heard the General mutter to himself a large word, a scriptural word, but not adapted to common conversation ; it began with a capital D and ended with a small n. Each time that he heard it. Bogle said " Gracious ! Goodness ! " At length his patient exertions were rewarded. As the clock struck ten, a step was heard upon the stairs ; nearer and nearer it came. Bogle's heart beat heavily ; it stopped in front of " thirty-two ; " — ^he held his breath ; — a knock ; — ^the General's voice, " Come in ; " — he heard the door open, and the stranger commence with " Good evening, General," but before he could say " Brown," that gentleman exclaimed, " Charles, have you seen Fanny ? " Bogle, his ear glued to the wall, turned his eye toward his wife and beckoned. Artemesia approached, and seating herself on his knee, the infant clasped to her breast, listened with her husband. The stranger slowly replied, " I have." " And who was she with ?" " That Frenchman, as you supposed." " Good God ! " exclaimed the stricken Brown, as in agony 262 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. he paced the room with fearful strides. There was a mo- ment's silence. " Did you take her from him ? " " Yes, I persuaded her to accompany me to my room at 'The Union.'" " Why did you not bring her to me at once ? " " I knew yom- passionate nature, G-eneral, and I feared you would kill her." " I will I " growled the General, " By Heaven, I will ! — but not so — not as you think ; I'll poison her ! " Bogle, his face pallid with apprehension, his teeth chat- tering with fear, looked at Artemesia ; " — she met his horror- stricken gaze, and with a subdued shriek, clasped the baby ; — it awoke. The General, in a low, deep voice of concentrated pas- sion, continued ; — " I'll poison her, Charles ! " " Oh ! " he exclaimed with deep emotion, " how I have loved that—" Here the infant Bogle, who had been drawing in his breath for a cry, broke forth ; — " At once there rose so wUd a yell." Human nature could not stand it longer. " Smother that little villain ! " said Bogle in a fierce whisper; " I can't hear a word." Artemesia, with the look of Lucretia Borgia, withdrew with the child to the adjoining room, (No. 31, Tehama, contains two rooms, a small parlor and a bed-chamber), and administered a punishment thstt must have astonished it — A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 263 it was certainly struck aback. If babies remember any' thing, that youthful Bogle has not forgotten that bastinado — applied a little higher up than is customary among the Turks — to this day. " At length the tumult dwindled to a calm," and again Bogle clapped his ear to the wall. He heard but the concluding words of the murderous General — " Bring her up with you at ten o'clock to-morrow evening, and a sack ; after it is over, we will put her body in it, and carry her to Meiggs' wharf, where there are plenty of brick ; we can fiU the sack with them and throw her off." " Well, sir," replied the stranger, " if you are determined to do it, I will ; but poor Fanny ! " — ^here emotion choked his utterance. " You do as I tell you, sir ;" growled the General, "there's no weakness about me 1 " Here the door opened and closed. Bogle rose from his knees, the perspiration was running down his fat face in streams. — " No weakness,'' said he, " Goodness Gracious ! I should say not ; — what an awful affair; — coming so close, too, upon the Meiggs' forgeries, and the loss of the Yankee Blade ; — ^how providential that I happened to overhear it all ! Gracious Goodness ! " That night, in a whispered consultation with his Axte- mesia, Bogle's plan of action was decided upon. But long after this, and long after the horror-stricken pair had sunk into a perturbed slumber, the footsteps of the intended mur- derer might have been heard, as hour after hour he paced the floor of his solitary chamber, and his deep voice might 264 A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. have been heard also, occasionally giving vent to his fell determination — " Yes, sir I I'll-mur-der ! 1 1 ! 1 ! 1 ! I ! !— 1 CHAPTER III. / The next morning a great change might have been ob- served in our friend Bogle. He appeared unusually quiet and reserved — ^pallid and nervous ; — starting when any one approached him, he stood alone near the door of the Tehama; he sought no companionship — he asked no questions. Men marvelled thereat. " What has come over Bogle ? " said the Judge to the Major. " I haven't heaxd him ask a question to-day." " "Well," was the unfeeling reply, " he's been asking ques- tions for the last thirty years, and I reckon he has asked all there are." But Bogle knew what he was about. At three P.M. precisely. General Brown came majestically down stairs ; he passed Bogle' so nearly that he could have touched him; but he noticed not the latter's shuddering withdrawal ; he looked neither to the right or left, but, gloomy and foreboding, like an avenging genius, he passed into the apothecary's on the corner. " Give me an ounce bottle of strychnine," said he. "For rats, sir?" said the polite attendant. The General started ; he gave a fearful scowl. " Yes," he said, with a demoniac laugh, " for rats ! ha 1 ha I oh yes — for — rats ! " A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 265 Bogle heard this ; — he heard no more ; he started for the Police Office. Who was Fanny?—?? ????! ? ??- .??? That evening about ten o'clock, Bogle sat alone, or alone save his Artemesia, in No. 31. The baby had been put to bed; and silent and solemn in that dark apartment, for the lamp had been extinguished, sat listening that shuddering pair. A step was heard on the stairs, and closer drew the Bogles together, listening to that step, as it sounded fearfully distinct, from the beating of their own agitated hearts. As it drew near, it was evident that two persons were approaching ; for, accompanying the first distinct tread, was a light footfall like that of a young and tender female. " Poor thing ! " said Artemesia, with a suppressed gasp. The heavy tread of General Brown could be heard distinctly in No. 32. The parties stopped at his door; — a knock, and they were silently admitted. The voice of the G-eneral broke the silence — " Oh ! Fanny," he exclaimed in bitter anguish, how could you desert me ! " There was no articulate reply, but the Bogles heard from the unhappy female an expression of grief, which almost broke their hearts. " Fanny," continued the General, " you have been faith- less to me — ^fickle and false as your sex invariably are ! I 12 266 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. loved you, Fanny — I love you still ! — but my heart can no more be made the sport of falsehood ! You must die ! Take this!" " Hold — ^wretch ! " shouted Bogle. " Let me go, Arte- mesia ; " and throwing off his coat, the heroic little fellow threw open his own door, kicked down the door of thirty- two, and stood in the presence of the murderer and his victim — ^pistol in hand ! At the same instant the bell of thirty-one was violently rung, the doors on each side opened, and the gallery was filled with men. But what caused Bogle to falter ? Why did he not rush forward to snatch the vic- tim from her destroyer ? Near the centre-table, on which was burning an astral lamp, stood a remarkably fine looking young man, who gazed on Bogle's short, punchy figure with an inquiring smile. On the other side of the table, but nearer the door, his brow blacker than a thunder-cloud, sat Greneral Brown; in one hand he held a small piece of meat, the other retained between his knees a small but exceedingly stanch- looking dog, of the true bull-terrier breed. Both the Gen- eral and the dog showed their teeth ; — both were epitomes of ferocity, but the snarl of the dog was as nothing to the snarl of the General, as, half-rising from his seat, but still holding the dog down by the collar, he shouted — " How's this, sir?" Bogle staggered back — dashing back from his brow the perspiration, he dropped the pistol and leaning against the door, gasped rather than articulated — " It's a dog ! " A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 267 " Yes, sir ! " roared the infuriated General, rising from his chair — "and a she dog at that! what have you got to say about it ? " Bogle, almost fainting, stammered painfully forth, " Is her — ^name — Fanny ? " " D n you sir," screamed the General, " I'll let you know ! Sta-boy ! bite him. Fan ! " Like an arrow from a bow, like lightning from the cloud, like shot off a shovel, like any thing that goes quick, sprang the female bull-terrier on the unhappy Bogle. " Man is but mortal," and Bogle turned to flee. " It was too late ! " Why did he take off his coat ? — ah ! why wear such tight pantaloons ? Shrieking like a demon, the ferocious beast clinging to one extremity, his hair on end with fright, and horror at the other. Bogle rushed frantically down the passage, overturning in his mad career police officers, chambermaids, housekeeper and boarders, who, alarmed at his outcries, thronged tumul- tuously into the hall. The first flight of stairs he took at a jump ; — the second he rolled down from top to bottom, the bull-terrier clinging to him like a steel trap — ^first the dog on top, then Bogle ; — arrived at the bottom, he sprang forth into Sansome street, and reckless of Frink's alarmed cry — " Stop that man — ^he hasn't paid his bill ! " away he went on the wings of the wind. It was an awful sight to see that lit- tle figure, as, wild with horror, he ran adown the street, the stanch dog swinging from side to side, as he fled. It was a fearful race ! Never did a short pair of legs get 268 A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. over an equal space in an equal time, than on that trying oc- casion. At length a sailor on Commercial street, taking the dog for a portmanteau, with which he supposed Bogle was making off, stretched out a friendly leg and tripped him up. But his troubles were not ended. When a bull-terrier takes a hold — a fair hold — to get it off, one of two alternatives must obtain ; — either the animal's teeth must be drawn, or the piece must come out. They hadn't time to draw Fanny's teeth — I They brought Bogle home in a hand-cart, and put him to bed. He hasn't sat down since. As they took him up stairs to his room, surrounded by a clamorous throng, the door of No. 10, at the foot of the first flight of stairs, opened, and a gentleman of exceeding dignity, made his appearance in a dressing gown of beautifully embroidered pattern. " John," he said to Mr. Duncan, who, with an extensive grin on his countenance, and '' Blood for Blood " (somewhat dilapidated in the souffle) in his hand, was bringing up the rear of the procession with a candle, " what's all this row about ? " John briefly explained. " I thought it a fire," said the gentleman, "but, ' Partu- riuni monies, nascetur — ' " " A ridiculous muss," said the classic John Duncan. The gentleman retired ; so did the chambermaid ; so did the boarders generally ; so did General Brown, with his dog under his arm, swearing he would not part with her for five hundred dollars ; so did the policemen, somewhat scandalized that nobody was murdered after all. A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 269 Bogle left the house next day in a baby-jumper, swung to a pole between two Chinamen. Artemesia and the infant followed. I hear that he has lately increased his business, taken a partner, and attends to the examination of wills, marriage settlements, and other papers belonging entirely to other people's business. Sneak is the name of the partner ; he or Bogle may be seen daily at the " Hall of Kecords," from ten until two o'clock, overhauling something or other, that is no concern of theirs. They furnish all sorts of information gratis. It is like the wine you get where they advertise " All sorts of liquors at 12^^ cents a glass." Greneral Brown has settled in Grass Valley, Nevada County, and would have appointed every white male inhabi- tant of California a member of his staff with the rank of Lieutenant-colonel, had he not been anticipated. Fanny killed forty-four rats in thirty seconds, only last week — so Tom says. The Tehama House is still there. INTEEESTING OOEEESPONDENOE. [We have reoeiTed for putlioation the following correspondence, wMch is' more than rich ; it is positively luscious.] Washington, January 14, 1854. Lieut. , ?7.- S. A., San Diego, Gal. Sir : — An effort taving been made by me in connection with others, to obtain an act of Congress during its present ses- sion, by which army officers will receive the same allowances whilst they served in California and Oregon, as were grant- ed to Navy officers, I beg to call your attention thereto, and especially ask your approval of the contemplated attempt. You are aware that Congress, at its last session, granted in the Naval Appropriation bill, extra pay ($2 per diem), to the officers, and double pay to sailors and others, serving in the Pacific during the Mexican war, and up to the 28th of September, 1850. This allowance was based upon the sup- position that the officers of the army serving in California had received the same allowance, by previous acts of Con- gress, when in fact this extra pay had only been granted, them from the 1st July, 1850. There are a large number ,of army officers justly entitled to an additional allowance. INTERESTING- CORRESPONDENCE. 271 and for precisely the same reasons wliich has induced Con- gress to grant it to the Navy, and especially those who served there subsequent to the 1st January, 1848; when they were compelled to pay the most exorbitant prices for the necessaries of life, having no other alternative, and no means of leaving the country like the oflEicers of the Pacific squadron, who could have left the coast of California and gone to a cheaper station. I have been requested by a number of officers stationed in Texas, to solicit your co-operation in carrying out this desirable object, by contributing, in the event of success, the proportionable per centum, agreed upon by them, namely : five or ten per cent, on the amount that may accrue, to you, as a remuneration for services rendered. Your concurrence is therefore requested, and it is understood that if there should be a failure, which, however, is not anticipated, no charge of any kind shall be made. Soliciting your immediate attention, and early reply, I remain very respectfully, Tour ob'dt servant, CHARLES D . Sak Diego, 20th March, 1854. My dear Charles :— I have received your modest request of the 4th of January, that I will give you five or ten per cent, of any sum that Congress may hereafter, in its infinite 272 INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. beneficence, appropriate to my relief; a request which you state you make to me at the instance of " a number of offi- cers stationed in Texas." For the benefit of those gentlemen, as ■well as yourself, I have asked Mr. Ames to print your letter, and my answer, in the world-renowned San Diego' Herald — ^the only method I see of communicating with your advisers ; as a letter directed to " a number of officers stationed in Texas," might possibly never reach them, through the ordinary channels. Upon mature reflection, of nearly five minutes, I have come to the conclusion to decline acceding to your propo- sal. * This decision has resulted from several considerations. In the first place, I don't know you, Charles. I never heard of you before, in all my life. To be sure, I see by your card, which you so kindly enclosed, and which my wife has just stuck up in the corner of the cracked looking-glass that adorns our humble chamber, that you are a General Agent (which may be a new military rank for all I know created' with the Lieutenant-generalcy, and if it is, I beg your pardon and touch my hat, for I have a great respect for rank), and a Notary Public, and that you live on Seventh street, opposite the Odd Fellows' Hall, (why not move across the street ?) But all this does not amount to friendship, intimacy, or even common acquaintance; and I declare, Charles, I do not even know now whether you may not be some designing person, who, seeing that a bill is likely, to pass for the relief of certain distressed officers, seeks to levy a little black mail, say five or even ten per cent., on the INTERESTING OORKESPONDENCE. 273 scanty pittance, under the pretext of having influenced Congress in its humane decision; a thing that I believe all the Greneral Agents, Notary Publics, U. S. Commission- ers, and Commissioners of Deeds, that ever lived opposite or in Odd Fellows' Hall, would fail to accomplish, had not Congress made up its benevolent mind to do. it without con- sulting them. 2dly. Why should I promise to give you ten per cent, of that allowance ? (Oh, donH you wish you might get it — I hope / shall.) You say you have made an effort to get it for us. Ah, Charles, I love and honor you for doing so, if you have ; but how, when, and where — tell me where, did you make that effort. But if you did do so, what of it ? Perhaps you made an effort, too, to get me the pay I now receive. Perhaps — startling thought ! — ^you will be writing to me for "five or ten per cent." of that humble income ! Don't try it, Charles ; you wouldn't get it, I assure you. As to your making an effort, that's all nonsense. Every body makes efforts now-a-days. Every body that ever I read of, except Mrs. Dombey, made an effort ; and if my grandmother were to die and leave me a thousand dollars, you might, with equal propriety, inform me that you made an effort for that venerable person's decease, and claim " five or ten per cent." of that amount of property, as to humbug me with your making efforts to influence Congress, who, as I said before, I solemnly believe is independent of all the ef- forts of all the Notary Publics in all Washington. From these two considerations, I conclude that you have 274 IMTERBSTING COERESPONDENOE. no claim or shadow of a claim on me, but that your proposal is merely a request for charity, to the amount of " five or ten per cent." on the small sum that you, living in Washing- ton, and watching the signs of the times, begin to believe Congress is going to allow me. This charity I shall decline bestowing, for three good and sufficient reasons : 1st. I am very poor myself. 2d. I have a family to support on $89 83 a month, which isn't such a tremendous income, in a country where flour is $30 per barrel. 3d. I'll see you first, giving you full permission to fill the blank with any kind aspiration for your future well- fare and happiness, that may occur to you, and that you may deem appropriate. Farewell, Charles — remember me kindly to " a number of officers stationed in Texas," when you write. 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ISmo. 1 SO 15 ' 76 15 IS 1 50 2 2S • 1 60 , 1 00 6 00 1 60 J), APFLETON & GO:S PUBLICATIONS. Tbe most Authentic and Entertaining Life of Napoleon, Memoirs of Napoleon, HIS OOUKT AND FAMILY. BY THE DUCHESS D'ABRANTES. (Madame Junot.) Two Yolames, 8vo. 1184 pages. Price $4, 3^izi of %iiti HSnsrafitttiiH xontaiuilr (it i\\B BEIIujetratily sEtrittnit. KAPOLEON. JOSEPHINE. MAEIA LoineA, DUKE OF REICH8TADT, LTJOIBN BONAPARTE, MARSHAL JUNOT, OQARLES BONAPARTE, PAITLINE BONAPARTE, MADAME LAETITIA BONAPARTE, ELIZA BONAPARTE, OBARLES BONAPARTE, JEROME BONAPARTE, LOUIS BONAPARTE, CARDINAL FESCH, LOUISA, QUEEN OF PRUSSIA, JOSEPH EONAPAETE. Probably no writer has bad the same op- portunities for becoming acquainted with NAPOLEON THE GEE AT as the Dncbess D'Abrantes. ]Jer mother rocked him in his cradle, and when he quitted Brienne and came to Paris, she guid- ed and protected his younger days. Scarcely a day passed without his visiting her house during the period which preceded his depar- ture for Italy as COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. Abundant occasion was therefbre bad for watching the development of the great genius who afterwards became the master of the greater part of Europe. MARSHAL JUNOT, who became allied to the author of this work by marriage, was the intimate friend of Na- poleon, and figured in most of the BRILLIANT ENGAGEMENTS which rendered him the greatest military captain of the ^e. No interruption took place in the intimacy which she enjoyed, so that In all these scenes, embracing a period of nearly « THIRTY TEARS, the Duchees became familiar with all the secret springs of NAPOLEON'S ACTIONS, either through her husband or by her own personal knowledge and observation at the Court of Napoleon. JOSEPHINE, whose life and character so peculiarly attract the attention of all readers, occupies a great part of the first volume. The character and the deeds of THE EMPERORS AND KINGS, THE GREAT MEN OF THE DAY, THE MARSHALS OF THE EMPIRE, THE DISTINGUISHED LADIES OF THE COURT, are described with rainuteness, which pe^ sonal observation only admits of. The work is written in that FAMILIAR GOSSIPING STYLE, and so interspersed with anecdotes that the reader never wearies. She has put every thing in her book— great events and small, BATTLES AND BALLS, COURT INTRIGUES AND BOUDOIR GOSSIP, TEEA^-IES AND FLIRTATIONS, making two of the most charming volumer of memoirs, which will interest the reader in spite of himself. Opinions of the Press. "These anecdotes of Napoleon are the best yet given to tho world, because the most Intimate and fkmiliar." — London Literary Gazette. " We consider the performance now before us as more authentic and amusing than any cUier of its kind." — London Quarterly Review. " Every thing relating to Napoleon is eagerly sought for and read in this country as well M In Euiope, and this work, with its extraordinary attractions, will not fell to command » wide circulation. Madame Junot possessed qualiQcatlons for writing a semi-domestic hlBtory of the great Corslcan which no other person, male or female, could comnian'V— Idfe muatratea B, APFLETON good hert ^/bnnccta with it. In a free and graceful style, varying from deep soleniiiitj tn the most genial and lively tone, as befitsJiis range of subjects, be gives atteniion to wise 'houglita oa holy things, and homely truths. Uis volume will find mai y warm hearts io which \t trill address itself." — Christian Bhaaininer. D. APPLETON ^ C0:8 PUBLICATIONS. A Practical Book on the Breedingr of Fisli A COMPLETE TREATISE ON Artificial Fifli-Breeding : INCLUDING- THE EEPOKTS ON THE SUBJECT MADE TO THE FRENCD ACADEMY AND THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT, AND PARTICU- LAE8 OF THE DISCOVERY AS PURSUED IN ENGLAND. TEANSLATBD AND EDITED BY WM. H. FRY. ILLUSTRATED WITH ENGRAVINOS. One Volume. 12mo. Cloth. Price 75 cents. Opinions of the Press, "A very genial and entertaining, though practical and scientific book. No one who loves the existence in our rivers, brooks, or lakes, of trout and salmon, should be without It" — Broome BepuhUc. "In this little volume, the whole process of fish-culture is described so plainly and with 80 much minuteness that any person will have no difiiculty in informing himself sufhciently well to engage in the business ; provided he has the necessary facilities and leisure, with a good running stream or pond, and the proper attention, a great brood of fishes may be oatched from the eggs, and raised up for the market or the table; and such delicacies are trout and salmon, that it is evident that the business of producing them for sale may be made profitable."— Worcester Palladium. "This discovery Is treated as a matter of great public benefit hi France and England, where it is practised under the direction and patronage of Government, and is beginning to work its results in stocking rivers and lakes, with the finest species of fish, where few oi Qone have before existed for many years." — Ohio Cultivator.^ "Every farmer who has a stream fiowing through his land, or miller who wishes to turn ^is ponds to some account, should make himself acquainted with the details of tl^ book.^ —Nnwarh BaHy Advertiaer. V. APPLETON & CO:a PUBLICATIONS. Olaoloe 3^a'e-«7<7- 3E:xisl<>'33. FARMINGDALE, A TALK. BY CAROLINE THOMAS. Two volumee, 12mo.i paper covers, 75 cents, or 2 volumes in 1, cloth, $L **It is a story of New England life, skilfully told, i^ll of tender Intoiost, healthy In fti seutlments and remarkably graphic in its sketches of character. ^ Aunt Betsy ^ Is drawn fcothe life. "—/Tome Gazette. ' "Farmingdale is the best novel of the season." — Eve. Post. ** It will compare favorably with the ' Lamplighter,' by Miss Cummingfl, and the "Wide, Wide "World,' by Miss Warner, and in interest it is quite equal to either." — Boston Transcript. " ' Farmingdale,' the work to which we allude, in every page and paragraph, is redolent of its native sky. It is a tnle of New England domestic life, in its incidents and manners BO true to nature and so free from esagge ration, and in its impulses and motives throughout so throbbing with the real American heart, that we shall not bo surprised to hear of as many New England villages claiming to be tho scene of its story, as were the cities of Greece that claimed to be the birth-place of Homer." — Philadelphia Courier. "The story abounds in .scenes of absorbing interest The narration is every where de- .iffhtfnlly clear and straightforward, flowing forth towards its conclufion, lite a gentle and impid stream, between graceful hillsides and verdant meadows." — Home Journal. *' Tills is a story of country life, written by a hand whose guiding power was a living aoul. The pictures of life are speaking and effective. The story Is interestingly told and its high mo.'-al aim well sustained."— -S^'^acwse Chronicle. " ' Farmingdale,' while it has many points in common with some recent works of fic- tion, is yet highly ori^nal. The author has had the boldness to attempt a novel, the main Interest of which does not hinge either upon love or matrimony, nor upon complicated and entangled machinery, but upon a simple and apparently artless narrative of a ftiondless giri." — Philadelphia Eve. Mail. " The author studiously avoids all forced and unnatural incidents, and the equally Kishionable affectation of extravagant language. Her style and diction are remarkable Ust their purity and ease. In the conception and delineation of character she has shown her- self possessed of the true creative power." — Com, Adv. '- A simple yet beautiiUl story, told in a simple and beantifhl manner. The object Is ta show the devoted affection of a sister to a young brother, and the sacrifices which she made for him from childhood. There is a touching simplicity In the character of this interesting female that will please all readers, and benefit many of her sex." — Harlford- Courant ** The tale is prettily written, and breathes throughout an excellent moral tone.^'— iJtx^oit Daily Joii/rnal. '•^ We have read this book ; it is lively, spirited, and In some parts pathetic. Its sketohea cf life seem to us at once graceful and vivid." — Atbo/ny Argus. " The book is well written, In a simple, unpretending style, and the dialogue is nataral ftiid easy. It is destined to great popularity among all classes of readers. Parents who (^ject placing ' love tales ' in the bands of their children, may purchase this volame with- Qut fear. The oldest and tbe youngest will become interested in its fascinating pages, aad dose it with the impression that it Isa goodlnok, and d'^servlng of th s greatest popnlailtr.* — Woroeat6r PaUadium. D. Appleton & Ocnmpam.'y'i Publications. "A WORK ■ffHIOH BEAES THE IMPRESS OF GENIUS." KATHARINE ASHTON. By the author of "Amy Herbert," "Gertrude," Jce a V0I8. 12nio. Paper covers, $1 ; cloth, Si 50. Opinions of the Press. We tno V not where we will find purer morals, or more valuable " life-phllcsophy, iiMn in the pages of Miss Sewell. — Savannah Georgian. The style and character of Miss Sewell's writings are too well known to the reading public to need commendation. The present volume will only add to her reputation ai &D authoress. — Albany Transcript. Thip novel is admirably calculated to inculcate refined moral and religious senti xnenia.— Boston Herald. The lutsrest of the story is well sustained throughout, and it is altogether o^ie of thfl Dieasantest books of the season- — Syracuse Standard. Those wbo have read the former works of this writer, will welcome the appearanc* f.f this ; it is equal to the best of her preceding novels. — Savannah Eepublican. ~ Noble, beautiful, selfish, hard, and ugly characters appear in it, and each is so drawn ss to be felt and estimated as it deserves. — Co-inmonwaalth. A re-publication of a good English novel. It teaches self-control, charity, and a true estimation of life, by the interesting history of a young girl. — Sdrtford Oourant. Katharine Ashtou will enhance the reputation already attained, the story and the moral being equally commendable.— 5it^aZo Courier. Like all its predecessors, Katharine Ashton bears the impress of genius, consecrated to the noblest purposes, and should find a welcome in every family circle. — Manner of the Crosa. • No one can be injured by books like this ; a great many must be benefited. Few authors bave sent so many faultless writings to the press as she has done. — Worccf^ter PiiUiidium. The /lelf-deniffl of the Christian life, in its application to common scenes and cir cumstnnces; is happily Illustrated in the example of Katharine Ashton, in which there is much to admire and imitate — Soutliem Chwrdimmu Her present work is an interesting tale of English country life, is written with hei usual ability, and is quite free from any oifensive parade of her own theological tenets. — Bofiton Traveller. The field in which Miss Sewell labors, seems to be exhaustless, and to yield always a beautiful and a valuable harvest— Troy Daily Budget. D. APPLETON & COMPANY Have recently published the following interesting works by the same author. TBGE EXPERIENCE OF LIEE. 1 vol. 12mo. Paper, 50 cents; doth, 75 cents. THE EARL'S DAUGHTER. 1 vol. 12mo. Paper, 50 cents; clotli, 75 cents. GERTRUDE: a Tale. 1 vol. 12mo. Paper, 60 cts; cloth, 75 cts. AMY HERBERT: A Tale. 1 vol. 12mo. Paper, 50 cents; cloth 76 cents. ' I.ANETON PARSONAGE. 3 vols. 12mo. Paper, $1 5n, clotli, %1 25. MARGARET PEROIVAL. 2 vols. Paper, $1 ; cloth, $1 50. READING FOR A MONTH. 12mo. cloth, 75 cents. .\ .JOURNAI, KEPT DURING A SUMMER TOUR. 1 vol cloth, »l 00. WALTER LORTMER AND OTHER TALES. Cloth, 75 cents THE CHILD'S FIRST HISTORY OF ROME. 50 cents. PHK (^Hlin'S FIRST HISTORY OV aF?:ECE. (18 cents JJ. APPLETON & Go: 8 PUBLICATIONS. MES. COWDEN CLAEKE'S NEW ENGLISH NOVEL. The Iron Coufin, or Mutual Influence, BY MART COWDEN CLARKE, a tlior of " The Girlhood of Suakspeake's Heemnba "' the Oohfi:.ri Concordance to Shakrpeare," &q.. One handsomely printed volume, large 12mo. over 500 pages. Price $1.25- jloth " Mrs. Clarke lias given U3 one of tbe most deligbtful novels we have read for man; B day, and one -which is destined, we donbt not, to be much longer lived than the migorits' nt books of its class. Its chief beauties are a certain freshness in the style in which the in eidenta are presented to us— a healthftil tone pervading it— a completeness in most of tha characters — and a truthful power in the descriptions." — LoTidon Times. " We have found the volume deeply interesting— its characters arc well drawn, whih its tone and sentiments are well calculated to exert a purifying and ennobling influence apon all who read it." — Sa/vannah Repuhlica/n. "Tlie scene of the book is village life amongst the upper class, with village episodes, ffliich seem to have been sketched from the life— there is a primitive simplicity and gre&t- oess of heart about some uf the characters which keep up the sympathy and interest to tile end." — London Globe. "The reader cannot fail of being both charmed and i-,&tmcted by the book, and o< ■loping that a pen so able will not lie idle." — Pennsylvanian. " We fearlessly recommend it as a work of more than ordinary merit." — Bingluimptiyn Daily Republic, " The great moral lesson indicated by the title-page of this book runs, as a golden thread, through every part of it, while the reader is constantly kept in contact with the workiiwje of an inventive and brilliant mind."— ^Z&flny Ar^us. " We have read this fascinating story with a good deal of interest Human nature is well and faithfully portrayed, and wo see the counterpart of our story in character and disposition, in every village and district The book cannot fail of popular reception."— Albany and RocJieater Cowrier, "A work of deep and powerfhl Influence." — Herald. " Mrs. Oowden Clarke, with the delicacy and artistic taste of refined womanhood, has d dhis work shown great versatility of talent" " The story is too daeply Interesting to Mlow the reader to lay it down till he has retd It to the end." "The work is skilfhl In plan, graphic In style, diveisified in incident and true to nature. "The tale Is charmingly imagined. The incidents never exceed probability but seeic perfectly natural. In the style there is much quaintness, in the sentiment much tendernesfc'' " It Is a spirited, charming story, full of adventure, friendship and love, with characters nicely drawn and carefully discriminated. The clear style and spirit with which the story to presented and the characters developed, will attract a large constituency to the perusal." "Mrs. Cowden Clarke's story has one of the highest qualities of Action —it Is no flickering Bbadow, hut seems of real growth. It Is fall of lively truth, and shows nice perception o* tiie early elements of character with which we become acquainted In Its wholeness, and in the ripeness of years. The Incident is well woven : the color Is blood-warm ; a^'d tber© ti bh« presence of a sweet grace and gentle power " PA RK-SNS' ADVENTURES IN ABYSSINIA D. APrLETON & COMPANY, 346